text
stringlengths 9
4.09k
|
|---|
Biggest Things Catholics Give Up For Lent #~# Lent is often used as a period for Catholics to experiment with other religions and even some cults. |
Pope Grants New Fathers Working At Vatican 3-Day Paternity Leave #~# Pope Francis has amended the Vatican’s family leave policy, which already offers six months of fully paid maternity leave to new mothers, to include a three-day paid paternity leave to new fathers who work at the Vatican. What do you think? |
‘Babe, I Didn’t Even Know You Liked That Stuff,’ Says Man Returning From Romantic Four-Course Meal For Two #~# COLUMBIA, SC—Saying he didn’t even know she liked that kind of stuff, local man Jonas Hough returned home from a romantic four-course meal for two Wednesday to find his girlfriend angry. “Oh my God, babe, if I knew you enjoyed hearing a string quartet play our song on a garden patio under the stars, I totally would have asked you to come,” said Hough, adding that he thought his girlfriend hated dressing up and eating gourmet cuisine by candlelight, which was his reasoning for taking his buddy instead. “Honestly, I could have sworn you were, like, allergic to chocolate-covered strawberries or something, so I decided that tonight would just be for the boys. Plus, aren’t you pretty anti-romantic-ambience, or am I confusing that with something else?” At press time, Hough promised to make it up to his girlfriend by taking her out to a friend’s house so she could watch them play video games. |
Actors Describe What It’s Really Like Shooting Famous Sex Scenes #~# Sex scenes in your favorite films might look hot and steamy, but during filming, the complete opposite is true. We asked actors to describe what it was like to portray intimacy on camera, and this is what they said. |
U.S. Governors Order State-Run Liquor Stores To Stop Selling Russian Vodka #~# The governors of Ohio, New Hampshire, Pennsylvania and Utah have ordered boycotts of Russian-style vodkas, products that account for a tiny fraction of the U.S. vodka market, as a symbolic move to show support for Ukraine after the Russian invasion. What do you think? |
Crows Evolve New Blond Look Concluding 17-Million-Year Goth Phase #~# BERKELEY, CA—Explaining that the moody species had matured, researchers at the University of California, Berkeley announced Wednesday that crows had evolved a new blond look after concluding their 17-million-year goth phase. “Finally, after millions of years of unnecessary angst and aggression, the Corvus brachyrhynchos has decided to grow up and act and look like the adult birds they are,” said evolutionary scientist Professor Julia Hastings, adding that crows’ entire attitude as a species had been rather embarrassing, from the black feathers, to their terrible cawing, to their obsession with blood and gore. “Ever since crows decided to branch off as a species and become goth, they’ve been super performative about their anger, making a point of bullying smaller birds and only hanging out with other goth birds. But now that they’ve grown up and lost the shock factor, they almost seem ashamed about it all.” At press time, the crows were seen sporting beautiful blond feathers, singing upbeat songs, and staring judgmentally at vultures who were eating roadkill. |
Report: You Have Earned Enough OnionBucks To Purchase Virtual Gloves #~# THE ONIONVERSE—Noting the newly earned digital apparel would help keep your e-fingers stylish and warm, sources confirmed Wednesday that you have earned enough OnionBucks to purchase virtual gloves. “Congratulations, you can now buy a brand-new pair of virtual gloves on the Onion Market,” said the web-based authorities, stressing that it had never been easier for readers of The Onion to express their unique identity through online merchandise and emotes. “Once you equip these gloves, you’ll be the envy of everyone in our articles. And for a mere $2,999, you can even buy an Onion Dance to celebrate your new virtual gloves. These gloves are green. But keep earning OnionBucks, and you could upgrade to pink, blue, or even white!” At press time, sources urged you to go onto the OnionExchange to buy and sell OnionBucks, thereby even further raising your value in the Onionverse. |
Thousands Of Police Officers March Through Streets To Mourn Cop Who Was Shot While Scratching Ear With Gun #~# NEW YORK—Standing at attention in honor of their fallen colleague, thousands of members of the New York Police Department marched through the streets Wednesday to mourn an officer who was shot while scratching his ear with his gun. “On that terrible night, Officer Justin Frisch found himself with an extremely itchy ear while his free hand was in his pocket, so he did what any New York police officer would do,” said Mayor Eric Adams, who spoke to the enormous crowd of police officers gathered in the closed-off street to pay their respects to Frisch, the ninth cop in the city who had died while scratching themselves with their firearm so far this year. “Officer Frisch was struck twice in the line of duty; once, when the weapon accidentally discharged while he was scratching his ear, and a second time, when, not understanding that the first sound had come from his own gun, he immediately fired into his head again. The New York Police Department will remember this man as a hero forever.” At press time, NYPD community had been shaken by the wounding of another officer who had shot himself in the testicles while pretending his gun was an erect penis. |
Biden Begs Nation To Leave A Tired Old Man Alone #~# WASHINGTON—In his first official State of the Union Address, President Joe Biden reportedly begged the nation Tuesday evening to leave a tired old man alone. “I was elected to the U.S. Senate in 1972—1972, do you hear me?” said Biden, who highlighted the multitude of objectives he had accomplished thus far into his term, including putting up with “you people” and holding on as long as he has. “Please, as your president, all I am asking the American people for is some peace and quiet. Spare me your polls and press conferences, for these weary bones could care less about approval ratings. I desire rest now. Good night.” At press time, Biden was hovering over Nancy Pelosi, attempting to take her chair. |
‘We Are Turning The Corner On The Coronavirus,’ Says Biden As Giant Looming Covid-19 Particle Touches Down On D.C. #~# WASHINGTON—Stressing that Americans could finally begin returning to their regular lives, President Joe Biden announced during State of the Union address Tuesday that the country was turning the corner on the coronavirus, just as a gargantuan Covid-19 particle touched down on Washington, D.C. “After more than two years, we have made real progress against this terrible disease. We have the tools to contain it, and it is time to start living normally again,” said the commander in chief while the massive novel coronavirus molecule eclipsed the sky, sending D.C. residents screaming as its giant spike proteins toppled the Washington Monument and hurled it into the Potomac River before touching down and sending powerful shockwaves across the National Mall that shattered the U.S. Capitol’s windows. “Put away your masks. Breathe easy. We are entering a new, hopeful phase of—oh, Jesus fucking Christ, what is that goddamn thing?” At press time, the gargantuan virus was relentlessly moving towards Biden’s location as Capitol police shot round after round into the Covid particle’s thick, impenetrable cell membrane. |
Biden Touts Incredible State Of Union When Compared To What’s Going On In Ukraine #~# WASHINGTON—Stressing that the United States was doing relatively well all things considered, President Joe Biden touted an incredible state of the union Tuesday when compared to what’s going on in Ukraine. “You’d think that we’re not doing so hot right now, but then you watch the news about Ukraine and realize it could be a whole helluva lot worse,” said President Biden, adding that the infrastructure of Pittsburgh looks a lot better than the crumbling Kyiv buildings currently being bombed by a foreign power. “Let me tell ya, I would not be happy to be the president of Ukraine right now and have to give a speech about resilience and bravery, no sir, but this is an absolute cakewalk. I mean, sure, we have a crisis at our border and people starving in the streets, but no more than what’s normal. God bless the troops and God bless the United States or whatever, but God bless the Ukraine, because those poor bastards need it way more than us.” At press time, Biden bragged about how since he had become president, there had not been a single missile strike in the U.S. |
Aides Assure Biden That Putin Not Going To Appear Mid-Speech In Plume Of Smoke #~# WASHINGTON—In an effort to calm the president’s fears ahead of the State of the Union address, White House aides were reportedly assuring Joe Biden Tuesday that there was no way Vladimir Putin was going to appear mid-speech in a plume of smoke. “Mr. President, I assure you that the Russians do not have the technology or the ancient mystical knowledge to wield a teleportation spell that would allow a cackling Putin to suddenly materialize in the chambers,” the aide told a visibly shaken Biden, acknowledging that if Putin possessed the ability to appear in a puff of smoke, tonight’s nationally televised live address in front of a joint session of Congress would definitely be the perfect time and place to display such powers. “Honestly, I can see why you’d think that, especially when the lights flicker, ominous harpsichord music plays, and everyone in the audience gasps as Putin emerges from thin air, but you really don’t have to worry about that. The Capitol Building is a very secure location. Sir, please, just go out there and give the speech the best you can, just like you practiced—however, if you do happen to notice a lone figure still standing and clapping after the rest of the applause has died down, run for your life.” At press time, the aide ripped off his face to reveal that he was Putin. |
Biden’s First State Of The Union: What To Expect #~# President Joe Biden will deliver his first state of the union address this evening amid the ongoing coronavirus pandemic and the recent Russian invasion of Ukraine. The Onion looks at what to expect from Biden’s address to the nation. |
Switzerland Sanctions Russia, Breaking Neutral Status #~# Switzerland has announced that it will forego its commitment to “Swiss neutrality” in favor of adopting sanctions against Russia, freezing financial assets of several Russian oligarchs and closing airspace to flights from Russia. What do you think? |
Terrified Pedestrian Narrowly Escapes Tesla By Jumping Across Rooftops, Hiding In Stairwell #~# |
Grandma Eyes Accessibility Ramp With Intensity Of Daredevil About To Jump Grand Canyon #~# CHARLESTON, SC—Squinting her eyes, exhaling, and whispering “it’s go time” while staring up the shallow incline, local grandmother Clarice Levine eyed the accessibility ramp to her assisted living facility Tuesday with the intensity of a daredevil about to jump the Grand Canyon. “Oh, baby, this is it, this is what we’ve been training for all these years and today is the day,” said the 86-year-old, who adjusted her diaper, gripped her walker, and slapped her face one last time before deciding to risk it all on one final, death-defying stunt. “Just remember, one wrong move and you’re done for. Hey, everybody! If I don’t come back, tell my husband I love him. Fuck it, here we go. And three...two...one...see you on the other side!” At press time, Levine made it two steps up the ramp before toppling over, falling directly on her hip, and instantly shattering 17 bones. |
16-Year-Old Beats Chess World Champion Magnus Carlsen In Online Tournament #~# Rameshbabu Praggnanandhaa, who in 2016 became the youngest international master in history at 10, is now the youngest to beat reigning five-time world chess champion Magnus Carlsen in the online Airthings Masters championship. What do you think? |
Teen Wondering Whether Boyfriend Even Loves Her If He Unwilling To Exploit Relationship For TikTok #~# RALEIGH, NC—Expressing concern about her partner’s romantic commitment, local teen Kenzie Riches reportedly wondered Tuesday if her boyfriend even loved her if he wasn’t even willing to exploit their relationship for TikTok. “I just think it’s a little weird how I’m always happy to sacrifice my time to perform an artificial version of our relationship in exchange for the social currency of likes from strangers and you don’t do the same for me,” said the 17-year-old to her boyfriend Chase Turner before taking a front-facing video of herself crying with the caption “I do so much for him.” “You say you love me, but you never take videos walking in on me saying, ‘Bae be like.’ I understand that doing a dance trend together might be a little much, but you won’t even livestream us cuddling. All my friend’s boyfriends are happy to post videos of them kissing every day for #coupletok, but it’s like you’re not even committed to going viral.” At press time, Kenzie was reportedly overjoyed to hear that her boyfriend had recorded and uploaded the whole fight. |
Man Would Honestly Rather Keep Having Panic Attack Than Do Some Stupid Little Counting Bullshit #~# BALTIMORE—Reeling from the overwhelming sensation that he was about to die, local man David McNeil reportedly explained Tuesday that he would honestly rather keep having a panic attack than do some stupid little counting bullshit. “I know that doing it would distract me to calm me down mentally, but God, that counting and breathing shit is just so idiotic,” said McNeil, allowing his vision to continue tunneling as he hyperventilated due to his parasympathetic nervous system being convinced he was drowning. “Look, if I have to be doubled over struggling to breathe, that’s what I’m going to do. I don’t need to name the things I can see in this room, what am I, in fucking kindergarten? I’d rather just keep feeling intense feelings of terror than compromise who I am.” Several reports indicated that McNeil continued panicking for hours until the moment he finally decided to count to three. |
Things To Avoid Saying When Confronting A Bully #~# If you’re a weak-ass pussy bitch who is actually considering standing up for yourself, it’s important to be prepared. Here are several phrases to avoid saying when confronting a bully. |
Washington Commanders Let Make-A-Wish Kid Announce Pick, Become New Team President, Take Fall For Financial Irregularities #~# LAS VEGAS—Saying that they wanted to help fulfill the dreams of an 8-year-old boy stricken with terminal cancer, the Washington Commanders revealed Friday that they would let a Make-A-Wish Foundation announce a team draft pick, become the new team president, and take the fall for the team’s financial irregularities. “Bryson is a great little kid going through something no child should have to go through, and we want to help him feel special by letting him announce our second-round pick as part of his new role as team president, for which he’ll be perfectly positioned should the federal investigation into our franchise result in jail time,” said Commanders owner Dan Snyder, adding that the team was thrilled to partner with the Make-A-Wish Foundation to fulfill the lifelong dreams of the boy to be fired for his role in sweeping sexual assault allegations under the rug in a football team’s ploy to clean up its public image. “Getting to stand onstage with the newest member of the Washington Commanders and then getting thrown under the bus by everyone in our organization who the House Oversight Committee speaks to is a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity, and we couldn’t be happier to offer Bryson that experience. Not only will he receive a signed Terry McLaurin jersey and tickets to our first home game of the season, Bryson will be the likely recipient of a five- to seven-year prison sentence for his role in falsely reporting sales revenue and keeping money meant for the league. This is a really special moment.” At press time, the Make-A-Wish kid was being led off the NFL draft stage in handcuffs. |
Poll Finds 58% Of U.S. Voters Would Back Independent Candidate Over Biden, Trump #~# A newly released poll found that 58% of registered voters surveyed would consider backing a moderate independent or third-party candidate over President Biden and former President Trump in the next election, while the majority also said they do not want either to run in 2024. What do you think? |
Biden Tries To Boost Approval Ratings By Showing A Little Ankle #~# WASHINGTON—In a new strategy developed by top White House advisors and Democratic consultants, President Joe Biden reportedly tried to boost his approval ratings Friday by showing a little ankle. “Oops—well, will you look at that,” said Biden in an address to the American people, lifting the hem of his pants leg to expose the skin around his ankle bone and raising his eyebrows suggestively at the sight of the bare flesh. “La-di-da-da, now that sure is some nice ankle. If you’re good, you can see the other one, too. Just wait for the second term, and I just might get all the way up the shin.” At press time, Biden’s poll numbers had plummeted beyond what was previously thought imaginable. |
Timeline Of Famous Prisoner Exchanges #~# The U.S. recently negotiated the release of former Marine Trevor Reed in a prisoner exchange with Russia, continuing a delicate and often controversial practice employed by nations during wartime. The Onion looks back at some of the most famous prisoner exchanges throughout history. |
Ohio Law Mandates Rape Victims Send Thank You Notes For Gift Of Parenthood #~# COLUMBUS, OH—Eliciting both outrage and acclaim from each side of the political aisle, Ohio Gov. Mike DeWine (R) signed a new law Friday mandating that rape victims send thank you notes to perpetrators for the gift of parenthood. “Parenthood is God’s gift to these women, so it’s only polite that sexual assault victims rush out and write a heartfelt note the moment they discover they’re pregnant,” said state Rep. Jean Schmidt (R), sponsor and author of the new law, who emphasized that victims should mail notes no later than three days after receiving a life-changing positive pregnancy test, lest they risk coming across rude and ungrateful to their rapist. “Face-to-face interaction is preferred, but at the very least a nice greeting card is required. Throwing in a gift basket wouldn’t be overdoing it either. I recommend all Ohio women keep some stationery and postage stamps on hand, just in case, since you never know when you might need them.” At press time, Schmidt added that any pregnant children writing thank you notes should be sure to keep their handwriting neat. |
Best Ways To Make Friends As An Adult #~# Trust us, it’s way better just to die alone. Here are the most effective ways to make friends as an adult. |
New York Public Library Makes Banned Books Available Nationwide For Free #~# New York City’s Brooklyn Public Library announced a new initiative against growing censorship and book bans that provides young readers in the U.S. with free library cards to access its full eBook and audiobook collection. What do you think? |
McCarthy Audio Reveals Trump Acknowledged Responsibility For Capitol Attack #~# House Minority Leader Kevin McCarthy told Republican lawmakers in a leaked audio recording of a private conference call that then-President Donald Trump had admitted some responsibility for the deadly attack at the Capitol, which he denied until the audio became public. What do you think? |
Congress Passes $33 Billion Bill To Send War-Torn Ukraine Free Community College #~# WASHINGTON—In response to continued Russian aggression in Eastern Europe, Congress unanimously passed a $33 billion bill to send war-torn Ukraine free community college. “As Putin’s forces encircle the Donbas region, this free community college tuition will be vital to preparing the Ukrainians for the economy of tomorrow,” said Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi, explaining that the program would mobilize tens of thousands of university administrators, professors, and tutors across the former Soviet state in a unified, well-compensated central agency. “Time is of the essence if Ukrainian fighters want any chance of attaining the skills necessary to compete in a globalized job market. Without a pathway to eventually securing a four-year degree, the future of Ukraine will be lost. But rest assured, we will spare no expense to make sure that doesn’t happen. The greatest weapon against tyranny is the power of knowledge.” At press time, Ukraine president Volodymyr Zelensky was profusely thanking the United States for helping to expand the job shadowing program. |
Overly Cautious Pregnant Woman Only Going To Ride Roller Coaster 6 Or 7 Times #~# SANDUSKY, OH—Though reasoning that it was unlikely such a slight indulgence would affect her fetus this late in the term, local pregnant woman Rachel Mandross announced Thursday that she would rather be overly cautious and only ride a roller coaster at Cedar Point amusement park six or seven more times. “I don’t want to be a stick in the mud, but if there’s any chance at all it wouldn’t be good for the baby, I probably shouldn’t spend the rest of the afternoon speeding through all those loops and being jarred around every which way,” said Mandross, adding that if her due date weren’t less than a week away, she’d love to keep racing headlong at nearly 70 miles per hour while pulling up to four G’s and experiencing moments of weightlessness until the park closed. “As boring as it sounds, I may take it easy after these next half dozen runs and stick to the rides where you don’t hang upside down—you know, the ones that don’t have a big harness but just a metal bar that clamps down square on your torso. Maybe I’m being paranoid, but becoming a mother means making important sacrifices.” At press time, Mandross was seen exercising a calming prenatal breathing technique at the top of a 227-foot tower drop. |
The Onion’s Test Sweatshop Helps You Travel In Comfort And Style #~# Deciding which products will fulfill your basic needs or that gaping hole in your heart can be stressful. The Onion’s Test Sweatshop is here to help. Every product we recommend has been tested for over 50,000 hours by our army of indentured product testers. The Onion doesn’t make any money off of these recommendations, because we couldn’t figure out how. |
Nation’s Older Cousins Announce Plans To Whip Butterfly Knives Around In The Woods #~# DELAWARE, OH—Stating that they were tired of their stupid family gathering and wanted to go do something cool, the nation’s older cousins reportedly announced plans Thursday to whip butterfly knives around in the woods. “Beginning around 3 p.m. EST and extending until it’s dark, we’ll be in the clearing whipping the fuck out of these sweet butterfly knives and throwing them into stumps,” said Tyler Webber, a representative of the nation’s older cousins, adding that they were making the announcement in order to invite the nation’s younger cousins to join if they promised not to be whiny little bitches. “Our packed agenda includes a demonstration where we’ll show off how freakin’ sharp the knife is and discuss all the things that we could cut with the blade, followed by a symposium on sweet butterfly knife tricks we saw on YouTube and would like to attempt ourselves. We will then do several butterfly knife tricks, including but not limited to the wrist pass, the index rollover, and the classic fan flourish. It is going to look super sick. We have also stolen one cigarette from a pack our dad keeps out in the shed, which, if he finds out, he’ll probably slap us but we don’t give a fuck. Our intention is to give the nation’s younger cousins a puff of said cigarette, then make fun of them when they cough. Then we’re going to pretend that we’re going to stab them with the butterfly knife.” At press time, the nation’s older cousins issued an urgent demand to the nation’s younger cousins to run back and call an ambulance because they’d just cut the tip of their finger off with the butterfly knife. |
Yankees Attribute Offensive Slump To Terrified Hitters Closing Eyes During Swing #~# NEW YORK—Responding to criticism about the team’s slow start to the 2022 season, New York Yankees manager Aaron Boone attributed the team’s offensive slump Thursday to terrified hitters closing their eyes during swings. “What reporters and fans have to understand is that the ball comes at our guys very fast, and they’re all really scared,” said Boone, adding that hitting coaches were working with struggling Yankees sluggers Josh Donaldson, Joey Gallo, and Aaron Judge to not be so afraid of the ball. “We know we’ve got some work to do at the plate, but honestly, it’s a miracle we can even get those guys to stay in the batter’s box while the other team’s pitcher is winding up. The other day, we had to practically drag Gleyber [Torres] out there; he’d been hiding under the catcher’s gear and kept saying we couldn’t make him go out there. I understand this is not the offensive output we’d like to see from this team, but eventually they’re going to adjust to how fast the balls go and open their eyes when they swing, and when they do, we know good things will happen.” Yankees officials are reportedly petitioning MLB to allow Boone to enter the field during their most fearful players’ at-bats to hold the bat with them while they swing. |
Harvard Pledges $100 Million To Atone For Role In Slavery #~# Harvard University has announced it will spend $100 million to research and atone for its extensive ties with slavery, including plans to identify and support the descendants of enslaved people who labored at the Ivy League campus. What do you think? |
Horrific Jan. 6 Texts That You’ll Have To Learn About In Our Forthcoming Tell-All Book #~# Just so you know, everyone featured in our books signed iron-clad NDAs, so if they spill before our book release, our lawyers will absolutely sue them and everyone they’ve ever loved into oblivion. No one, and we mean no one, is breaking this news but us. |
Donald Trump Held In Contempt In New York Attorney General Inquiry #~# A New York judge has held Donald Trump in contempt and fined him $10,000 a day, following the former president’s failure to hand over documents to prosecutors investigating his business practices. What do you think? |
New Raid Pest Control Kit Fat Shames Ants Into Starving Themselves #~# RACINE, WI—Touting the product’s ability to mentally and physically destroy insects via their deepest insecurities, Raid unveiled a new Confidence Killer pest control kit Thursday that fat shames ants into starving themselves. “With Raid’s new body dysmorphia kit, otherwise beautiful ants will hate their appearance so much that they will do anything to change it,” said brand spokesperson Christina Gordon, adding that the kit included a variety of tools, including dangerous diet supplements and heavily photoshopped images of ants with impossibly thin thoraxes, long antenna, and perfectly shaped mandibles. “While these ants may have perfectly normal weights when they enter the house, Raid will teach them that there are always flab to shed. Soon, the ants will become obsessed with burning calories, restricting eating, and hiding their bodies. They will have zero interest in bringing huge crumbs to their queen. Not that she’d eat the fattening morsels anyway.” At press time, Raid issued a warning not to allow dogs or cats near the kits, and to call a vet immediately if the pets show signs of depression or stop eating. |
Most Dangerous Parts Of Attending A Music Festival #~# If you die at a music festival, you die in real life. Here are the most dangerous things concert-goers should watch out for this year. |
Man Wonders If Tambourine Player Actually That Happy In Real Life #~# MINNEAPOLIS—Pondering aloud about the performer’s upbeat, cheery nature, local man James Webber, 34, reportedly wondered Wednesday if the tambourine player in the band he was watching was actually that happy in real life. “Look at that huge smile on her face while she just hits that tambourine and taps her foot, you can’t fake that, right?” said Webber, reflecting on his own apparent lack of happiness in comparison to the carefree and jovial nature of the grinning percussionist. “I just don’t have that kind of pep in my step. She seems so compelled by the music, I bet she has a nice family and good, caring friends.”At press time, Webber had determined that no human could ever feel content and the tambourine player’s happiness was all just an act. |
First Conversation With New Coworker Goes Off Like Absolute Shit #~# SARASOTA, FL—Consternation reportedly struck local sales lead Ryan Carlyle Wednesday after his first conversation with a new coworker went off like absolute shit. “Hard to say if I could’ve fucked up what should have been a normal introductory exchange worse than I did,” said Carlyle following a strained three-minute interaction with a new coworker in which he forgot to ask their name, stumbled over a trivial remark about local food options, and made a mean joke about another coworker that the man didn’t seem to understand was a joke. “Christ, I botched that one completely. I went up to him, too, so it wasn’t like he caught me off guard either. It was definitely on me to keep the conversation going, and I just blanked on what the normal questions are for someone you’re meeting for the first time. I should’ve just said a couple things welcoming him to the office, but no, I started talking about my wife getting sick last night, like he wants to hear about that, and then I really shouldn’t have said that thing about our boss. Well, I guess the only option is never speaking to him again.” Carlyle reportedly confided that the worst part about the horrible first conversation with his new coworker is that he would have to tell his Amway regional manager that he botched it with a potential recruit. |
Florida Bans Schools From Teaching Anything Besides Misadventures Of Best Friends George Washington And Jesus Christ #~# TALLAHASSEE, FL—Claiming that the public education system indoctrinated students with liberal rhetoric, Florida lawmakers passed a new bill Tuesday that banned schools from teaching students anything besides the misadventures of the two best friends George Washington and Jesus Christ. “In classrooms across our state, young people have been brainwashed with progressive ideologies, so I am proud to sign this legislation that requires all lessons at every grade level to be about the wacky hijinx of America’s first president and his lifelong pal, our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ,” said Gov. Ron DeSantis, detailing how subjects such as biology, history, music, art, algebra, and chemistry must now either be stricken from the curriculum or re-tooled to focus on the story of how the Messiah and the Revolutionary War general first teamed up as young boys to found the United States. “We must eradicate liberal myths so we can teach children the real history of our nation, like how Jesus fed loaves and fishes to all of Washington’s troops at Valley Forge so they could defeat the British army. Understanding this friendship is fundamental to understanding America, but thanks to the left’s propaganda, most students these days can’t even tell you that President Washington and Jesus were born on the same night in the manger on Plymouth Rock. With this law, our kids can finally learn how Washington and Christ rode around on dinosaurs with their talking bald eagle sidekick, Jerome.” At press time, Florida had reportedly shifted course, banning all books about Jesus and Washington after it was discovered the men were of different races and must therefore have violated segregation laws. |
What To Know About Kevin McCarthy #~# House minority leader Kevin McCarthy, a California Republican, has recently come under fire for his role in allegedly obstructing the investigation of the January 6 Capitol riot. The Onion tells you what you need to know about McCarthy and the current controversy. |
Child Who Was Saved From Train Tracks By Angel Kind Of Disappointed It Wasn’t Spider-Man #~# NEW YORK—While expressing appreciation for the last-minute averting of his demise, local 9-year-old Liam Richter told reporters Wednesday that despite being saved from the train tracks by an angel, he was he was still kind of disappointed it wasn’t Spider-Man. “Don’t get me wrong, I’m glad I didn’t get hit by the train, but for a second there I really thought it was Spider-Man saving me instead of some archangel named Gabriel,” said Richter, who said that he had even asked the angel whether he could shoot webs or knew Iron Man, but received no response from the divine emissary, let alone a wisecrack about taking down Doc Ock. “The celestial trumpet and light penetrating the clouds were a kinda cool, I guess. But at the end of the day, he wasn’t in any of the Marvel movies, so I’ll probably just keep quiet when my friends ask about it.” At press time, Richter noted that his favorite part had probably been seeing God’s Kingdom of Heaven, although even that didn’t hold a candle to the Spider-Verse. |
Emmanuel Macron Wins Reelection Against Far-Right Candidate #~# French President Emmanuel Macron has won reelection against far-right candidate Marie Le Pen, making Macron the first French president in 20 years to win reelection since Jacque Chirac defeated Le Pen’s father in 2002. What do you think? |
Mark Zuckerberg Asks Hawaiian Neighbor To Cut Down Unsightly, Overgrown Rainforest #~# KAUAI, HI—Growing increasingly frustrated by the lack of respect shown to his 1,500-acre estate, Mark Zuckerberg reportedly asked his Hawaiian neighbor this week to cut down the unsightly, overgrown rainforest encroaching his property. “It’s unfair that there’s this gigantic canopy of native trees completely obstructing my beautiful view of the horizon,” said Zuckerberg, adding that the realtor failed to mention that the neighbor had an unkempt biome on their property. “That whole natural habitat over there is a real eyesore. I’ve made several complaints to the HOA about the messy old-growth trees next door, but I haven’t heard a peep, so I finally just had to ask him directly. I don’t mean to be a nag, but the thing is the rainforest doesn’t just block the view—it also attracts a ton of disgusting nuisances like bugs, wild animals, and indigenous people. So hopefully, now that we’ve spoken, they can get it all cleared out by the end of the week.” At press time, a fed-up Zuckerberg was sneaking onto the property in the middle of the night to demolish the neighbor’s loud, obnoxious waterfall that was keeping him awake. |
Elon Musk To Buy Twitter For $44 Billion #~# Twitter has accepted billionaire Elon Musk’s offer to buy the social media company and take it private in a $44 billion deal that will put the world’s richest man in charge of one of the world’s most influential social media platforms. What do you think? |
Flight Crews React To The End Of Mask Mandates #~# While many Americans were horrified by the FAA’s decision to drop mask mandates, an equal number were overjoyed. The Onion asked several flight crew members how they felt about the change, and this is what they said. |
Disney World Fortifies Borders With Armed Characters As Park Announces Plan To Secede From Florida #~# ORLANDO, FL—Announcing that the 25,000-acre resort was now officially a part of the independent and sovereign Reedy Creek Improvement Republic, Disney World was reportedly fortifying its borders with armed characters Monday as the theme park shared its plan to secede from Florida. “Florida can try to dissolve our government all they want, but I assure you, we’re not going anywhere,” said a cast member dressed as Mickey Mouse, who hoisted a Walt Disney World Flag high above Cinderella’s castle as Queen Elsa placed a bandolier around her chest, and Captain Jack Sparrow helped Chip ‘n’ Dale board up and barricade Main Street, U.S.A. in preparation for the long siege ahead. “You’ve left us no other choice, Governor DeSantis. You can take this Magical Kingdom from our cold, dead bodies. We will find glory in death, and as we venture onward to Valhalla, we will revel in the flames of battle knowing we have fought for the freedom of the happiest place on earth.” At press time, over 10,000 reinforcements from Anaheim were en route to the Florida park. |
Childless Uncle Announces Plans To Get Third Fucked Up Dog #~# RALEIGH, NC—Emphasizing that he was just looking for a nice pup to give a quiet, loving home, childless uncle Frank Felton reportedly announced his plans Tuesday to get a third incredibly fucked up dog. “Well, I’ve had Ginger here for 14 years, and Coco for 16, so I think whoever I adopt would fit right in,” said Felton, who then showed reporters several applications for potential dogs who were blind, incontinent, arthritic, aggressive, missing an eye, required expensive medications, or only had three legs. “Hell, Ginger only has three teeth left and can’t control her damn bladder. And Coco has some kind of dementia, and bites me every time I try to pet her. Oh! I like the look of that deaf Chihuahua with a skin disease. I think I’ll call her Pippa.” At press time, Felton had already started a $15,000 GoFundMe for the dog, who ate one of his socks and immediately had a seizure. |
Domino’s Under Fire For Sharing Pizza Topping Data With Police #~# ANN ARBOR, MI—Blasting the move as a “total breach of the public’s trust,” Domino’s came under fire Tuesday after a report revealed the chain had shared pizza topping data with police. “It’s disturbing, and frankly alarming, that Domino’s willingly handed over their customer’s detailed personal cheese, meat, and crust preferences,” said privacy expert Dr. Justin Lam, adding that now that the police had terabytes of highly sensitive pizza, calzone, and flatbread data, they could easily use it to target everyday hungry Americans. “Whether you ordered a Hawaiian Pineapple Pizza, a Pacific Veggie Pizza, or a MeatZZa Feast Pizza, that highly personal information should be yours and yours alone. The last thing we want is for an innocent person to order a pizza and then be arrested for a crime they did not commit.” At press time, Domino’s refused to comment after reports surfaced that their pizza tracker had led to several wrongful convictions. |
Real Estate Agent Driven Insane By Endless Possibilities Of Nook #~# PHOENIX—Struggling to truly comprehend the all of the recessed area’s myriad uses, local real estate agent Brenda Estrada was reportedly driven insane Tuesday by the endless possibilities of a nook. “This nook could be anything, I tell you. Anything,” said Estrada, explaining that it could be the perfect place to eat breakfast, descend into the infinite timelines that exist beyond the comprehension of the human mind, or snuggle up with a good book. “This nook has it all! Amazing natural light, room for a small couch, or really anything else you like! I’d pay $200k over the asking price just for the nook. You can even visit your grandmother, who is still alive in the nook; though, she is not like the grandmother you once knew. For if you gaze long into the nook, the nook will also gaze into you. That said, it would be the perfect spot for some succulents!” At press time, Estrada weeped blood as she collapsed at the entrance of the nook, repeating the phrase “It’s beautiful, it’s so damn beautiful.” |
Florida Bride, Caterer Arrested For Lacing Wedding Food With Marijuana #~# A Florida bride and caterer have been criminally charged after secretly serving food laced with marijuana to their wedding guests, several of whom complained of feeling drugged and were sent to the hospital. What do you think? |
Woman Calls Out Sauce Stain On Her Shirt In Order To Control The Narrative #~# NEWPORT NEWS, VA—Impressing all onlookers with her powerful ability to shape discourse, local woman Ainsley Bishop reportedly called out a sauce stain on her shirt Tuesday in order to control the narrative. “Yeah, I know I’ve got a stain on my shirt—it’s from lunch,” said Bishop of the ketchup stain on her garment in a masterful display of rhetorical supremacy, following up her empowering call-out with a glib joke about purposely buying the stained shirt that way to prevent anyone else’s potential attempts to wrest control of her story and her truth. “Before you say anything, Pete, I’ll stop you right there—yes, I’m aware that the position of the stain on my shirt makes it look like it’s leaking from my breast, and frankly, if it was, there wouldn’t be anything wrong with that. We are all fallible human beings occupying fragile, often humiliating bodies, and sometimes we make mistakes, sometimes things happen that are out of our control, and yes, sometimes, globs of ketchup fall from a hamburger and stain our shirts, and honestly, I think that’s beautiful.” At press time, Bishop had accused her coworker of whataboutism after recalling that he hadn’t said anything about a male fellow coworker who had spinach stuck in his teeth. |
Woman Rescued After Falling Into Outhouse Toilet Trying To Get Phone #~# A woman who was hiking in a national forest in Washington state accidentally dropped her phone into the hole of a vault toilet and fell in while trying to retrieve it, where she was trapped for an hour before being rescued by firefighters. What do you think? |
Sycophantic Backup Singers Just Mindlessly Parroting Whatever Lead Singer Says #~# LOS ANGELES—Witnessing what he saw as a gross display of blatantly aggrandizing behavior, local concertgoer Jeff Graham confirmed Monday that the sycophantic backup singers on stage were just mindlessly parroting whatever the lead singer said. “These people are nothing but yes men, echoing anything that guy in the front says without challenging him on any of it,” said Graham of the three performers huddled together behind the lead singer on stage, whom he criticized for not contributing any new or original opinions to the ongoing discussion. “Sometimes he hasn’t even finished his thought before they’re chiming in, and it’s, like, stop, really take in what is being said and think critically about your response before engaging. It’s like their whole job is to stand there and continually hammer home whatever points he spews out. And let’s consider the source—this man is a mess right now, heartbroken, going on and on about drowning his sorrows at a bar. At this point, they’re enabling him. They’re even dressed alike, for crying out loud.” At press time, Graham was overheard shouting out a request for those on stage to read more in order to get a sense of who they are as individuals. |
Math Teacher Makes Class Fun By Letting Students Pick Out Spanish Names #~# HUDSON, OH—In an effort to make learning both fun and immersive, local math teacher Carissa Gibbons told reporters Monday that she let students pick out their own Spanish names. “At the beginning of every year, I pass out a list and have the kids pick the new names we’ll use to refer to them in class—they always fight over who gets to be Diego!” said the ninth-grade algebra teacher who described how the students’ faces “lit right up” as they attempted to decide which popular name in Spanish-speaking countries they wanted to use for the remainder of the year. “Algebra can feel a bit dry, so this helps them really engage. Plus, it’s great for perfecting their accents. I’ve gotten some pushback from parents in recent years that the sombrero is inappropriate, but the kids love it.” At press time, Gibbons resumed addressing the math class solely in Spanish. |
New Tennessee Law Requires Women To Wait 24 Hours Before Getting A Burger #~# NASHVILLE, TN—Joining a growing number of states imposing waiting period restrictions, Tennessee passed a new law Monday requiring women to wait 24 hours before getting a burger. “Thinking about getting a burger isn’t something anyone should do lightly, and we want women to understand there are consequences,” said Tennessee Gov. Bill Lee (R), whose signature on the bill subjected all women in the state seeking a burger to a 24-hour waiting period before they could receive their order, following a mandatory pre-burger counseling with a doctor. “Under this law, all women seeking a burger will receive a pamphlet from a doctor explaining the immense pain a burger causes. Getting a burger isn’t something you can undo. The waiting period will give women the time they need to decide if the mental and physical agony is worth it.” At press time, critics were questioning the governor’s claim that a majority of women regretted their burgers. |
Embarrassed Woman Sneaks Out Of House Morning After Sex With Husband #~# POCATELLO, ID—Wearing the same clothes she had on the day before, local resident Amy Tisdale snuck out of the house Monday morning, reportedly embarrassed following an ill-advised night of sex with her husband Doug Tisdale. “I can’t believe I actually slept with that uggo,” said Tisdale, who added that she had been as quiet as possible while slipping out of bed, finding her clothes, and exiting the room she has shared with her spouse for the past nine years. “I had a few too many drinks last night and made a huge mistake. Now he’s going to get the wrong idea and think it was something more than just a one-time thing. The worst part is that I can feel the neighbors looking at me, like they know I’ve just been with him. Gross. I hope he doesn’t call me.” At press time, reports confirmed Tisdale shuddered after receiving a text from her husband asking what she wanted to do for dinner that night. |
Russia Test-Fires New Nuclear-Capable Missile #~# Russia announced that it test-fired a new intercontinental ballistic missile in a move that President Vladimir Putin said would give the U.S. and its allies something to think about as the conflict in Ukraine intensifies. What do you think? |
The Best Tourist Attraction In Every State #~# Football National Park: Over 1.5 million acres of wild helmets, balls, and jerseys. |
Florida’s Changes To Textbooks And Curriculums #~# The Florida Department of Education made headlines recently when it rejected a number of math textbooks amid rising concerns about school curriculums indoctrinating children with values some parents oppose. The Onion provides a rundown of all the changes Florida schools are making to textbooks and school curriculums. |
Florida House Passes Bill Stripping Disney Of Self-Governing Status #~# The Florida state legislature passed a bill seeking to dissolve a special district that allows the Walt Disney Company to act as its own government within the outer limits of Orange and Osceola counties after the company voiced its opposition of the “Don’t Say Gay” law. What do you think? |
Struggling AMC Threatens To Clamp Down On Theater Sharing #~# LEAWOOD, KS—Faced with a steep decline in growth over the past few years, struggling cinema chain AMC Entertainment Holdings announced Friday it would clamp down on the practice of theater sharing among its customers. “Due to the mounting economic pressures AMC faces, we can no longer allow multiple people to use the same theater space to watch a movie,” said CEO Adam Aron, who acknowledged that his company had once tolerated theater sharing to gain market share in a competitive industry, but stressed that all such permissiveness would now come to an end. “While rare, there have actually been extreme instances of 30, 40, sometimes even 50 people in a single theater watching a movie. But from now on, you can’t just come to an AMC location and bring a bunch of friends with you thinking you’re all going to watch the same screening. That just isn’t going to happen anymore.” At press time, AMC employees across the nation were reportedly going through their facilities theater by theater and kicking out all but one person from each. |
What Not To Say To Someone Having A Panic Attack #~# Just be patient. You can always dress them down for being weak-willed later. If someone is having a panic attack, never say these things. |
Ikea Wardrobe Contains Cheap, Poorly Constructed Fantasy World Inside #~# BEACON, NY—Expressing disappointment in the enchanted kingdom’s shoddy craftsmanship and design, the children of the local Wentworth family told reporters Friday that the Ikea Klädskåp wardrobe they found in their uncle’s country estate contained a cheap, poorly constructed fantasy world inside. “When we first discovered a whole magical realm in Uncle Reynold’s wardrobe, we were astonished, to say the least, but as we got closer to the capital’s castle, we saw that it was made out of really low-quality plywood and had already cracked in a bunch of places,” said eldest daughter Emma Wentworth, adding that her siblings’ excitement at an invitation to meet the Regent Queen Nyblom and her talking leopard had been significantly diminished when the monarch sat down on her regal throne and it immediately broke under her weight. “The more we explored, the more it just felt like the whole place was ripped off from higher quality fantasy kingdoms. The winged goblins were all made out of cardboard, so it was hard to get scared of them. Then the lair of the dark sorceress was definitely missing some pieces, because we could see right into it from outside. Oh, and the book of prophecies they showed us was just a bunch of stupid wordless diagrams about how to save the realm. It was so hard to follow that we eventually just got frustrated and went home.” Wentworth added that the meatballs served at the royal banquet had actually been pretty good, though. |
‘The Onion’ Guide To Tipping #~# Knowing whether and how much to tip for a service can be confusing, especially for a cheapskate like you. The Onion provides a comprehensive guide to tipping. |
K-Y Introduces New Drowsy Nighttime Lube #~# PARSIPPANY, NJ—Introducing a variation on the brand’s well-known water-based personal lubricant, officials at K-Y announced Friday that their line of sexual enhancement products would be expanded to include a new drowsy nighttime lubricant. “K-Y P.M. is for those looking to bring a little more intimacy—and sleep—into the bedroom,” brand representative Blair Espinoza said of the new lavender-scented sex and sleep aid. “When you’re exhausted, but too horny to fall asleep, use K-Y P.M. so you can have wetter, more intense orgasms followed immediately by a good night’s rest. Just one note of caution: Do not drive or operate heavy machinery while having sex with this lube.” The new product follows last year’s launch of K-Y A.M., a non-drowsy formula that was designed for people who like to be fully alert during sex and has since been discontinued due to poor sales. |
Half-Lobster Scientist Just Going To Hope Coworkers Don’t Notice He Had Mishap With CRISPR #~# BERKELEY, CA—Admitting he felt self-conscious following a workplace accident involving the highly experimental gene-editing technology, a local half-lobster scientist told reporters Friday he would just have to hope his coworkers didn’t notice his CRISPR mishap. “The main thing I need to do is make sure I don’t slip up and try to shake someone’s hand, because that would be a dead giveaway,” said University of California, Berkeley, microbiologist Steven Lipstadt, using his gigantic claws to put on a novelty sombrero he had purchased on his lunch break in order to hide the long antennae projecting outward from his head. “Luckily my lab coat covers up quite a bit of my tail, so as long as I stay behind my desk, no one should notice that. Maybe people will see my protruding crimson rostrum and think I just have a cold or something? Ugh. If anyone notices I look a little different today, I’ll tell them I got a haircut. I just hope nobody here has a shellfish allergy.” At press time, Lipstadt was reportedly worried the nighttime cleaning staff would discover the half-human lobster he had been forced to smother with a couch cushion and stuff into a trash can. |
Netflix Loses 200,000 Subscribers In First Part Of 2022 #~# Netflix has reported losing subscribers for the first time in more than a decade, citing password sharing and recently suspending its service in Russia for the loss of 200,000 subscriptions. What do you think? |
BREAKING: ‘The Onion’ Has Purchased A 0.000000125% Stake In Twitter And Is Demanding A Seat On The Board #~# In an unprecedented move certain to bring the entire tech industry to its knees, The Onion proudly announces this afternoon that it has purchased a 0.000000125% stake in Twitter. |
SILENCED: Harrowing Photos From The Onion Office 3 Long Hours Into Our Twitter Ban #~# Without social media, we turned to snacks. When the snacks dried up, we turned on each other. |
Twitter, Enemy Of First Amendment Rights, Permanently Bans The Onion #~# Twitter has permanently banned America’s most prestigious news publication, The Onion, in a huge overreach of power that encroaches on the mass media company’s first amendment rights, which critics are calling the beginning of the end for journalistic freedoms in the U.S. at the hands of brutal social media tyrants. What do you think? |
BREAKING: Our Intern Is Being Forced Into A Hunger Strike Until Twitter Lifts Our Ban #~# CHICAGO—In accordance with the fine print in his contract, The Onion’s intern Sam Kotson was forced into a hunger strike Thursday, a protest that will continue until Twitter lifts our ban. “As of this morning, our low-level unpaid intern will be forcibly compelled to forgo all food until Twitter ends its malignant campaign of censorship and reinstates The Onion’s account,” said Onion HR representative Elina Haskett, explaining that Kotson, who had been handcuffed and shackled to a cast iron pipe, would be required to abstain from water in addition to food for the duration of the Twitter ban. “We have used ipecac to induce vomiting, ensuring that the intern starts off from a baseline of no food in his stomach. Soon, that same stomach will begin to digest itself in a desperate attempt to consume something, anything to stave off assured starvation. We hope Twitter does the right thing and revokes the ban on our account before something tragic happens.” At press time, our intern’s fragile life was reportedly in the hands of Twitter’s board of directors. |
It’s Been 11 Minutes Since The Onion Was Banned From Twitter. So Why Isn’t The Mainstream Media Covering This? #~# A darkness has fallen upon the Fourth Estate. It is a darkness only seen after a nation’s sole beacon of journalistic truth-telling is snuffed out. One might surmise that such an affront to the First Amendment would warrant an immediate response from lesser news outlet seeking to express solidarity in the fight for freedom of the press. Yet more than 11 minutes have now passed since The Onion was banned from Twitter, and the mainstream media has not issued a single statement in our defense. |
BREAKING: The Onion Has Been Permanently Banned From Twitter #~# FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE: |
FDA Investigating Reports Of Illness From Lucky Charms #~# The FDA is investigating breakfast cereal Lucky Charms after receiving more than 100 claims over the last year that the cereal made consumers sick, while an additional 3,000 people have posted complaints about the cereal on the food safety website, iwaspoisoned.com. What do you think? |
Judge Approves Effort To Remove Marjorie Taylor Greene From Ballot #~# A judge has ruled the lawsuit challenging Rep. Marjorie Taylor Greene’s qualifications to run for reelection can proceed, which alleges that she violated the 14th Amendment by engaging in obstructing the transfer of presidential power. What do you think? |
Signs Your Spouse May Be Using You For Money #~# Remember, the entire institution of marriage was designed for financial gain. Here are several signs your spouse might be using you for money. |
Blood Spatter Analyst Concludes It’s All The Red Stuff #~# DENVER—As part of an ongoing investigation into a brutal homicide that so far has no clear suspects, an official report released Wednesday by the Denver Police Department’s senior blood spatter analyst concluded that it’s all the red stuff. “After conducting a thorough examination of the crime scene, we were able to determine that the blood was in fact the goopy, bright crimson liquid we found splashed all over the place in there,” said Dr. Gerald R. Watts, the forensic criminologist who performed the bloodstain-pattern analysis, confirming he had more than 25 years of experience locating and correctly identifying the blood in murder cases. “The thing about blood is, it’s usually found inside of a person. So a layperson might reasonably conclude the red drops spattered all over the floor, walls, windows, and ceiling in that room were something else. As a trained professional, though, I had a hunch it was blood. What tipped me off, first and foremost, was the dead body lying nearby. I knew that the stuff sprayed all over the bedroom, in a path leading down the hallway, and even on a firearm discovered at the scene was probably blood from that body. Because nine times out of 10, that’s the way it works.” Watts added that he could not determine what the large pool of red liquid found near the corpse might be, noting that his expertise only enabled him to analyze blood when it had been spattered. |
Encouraging Reports Confirm Explosions Near Afghan School Kill Zero Ukrainians #~# KABUL, AFGHANISTAN—With the final casualty figures still being determined, encouraging reports confirmed that multiple devastating explosions outside a large public school in western Kabul Wednesday had not killed any Ukrainian civilians. “We can all breathe a sigh of relief knowing that while the dead are still being counted, zero Ukrainian residents appear to have been harmed in these fatal bombings,” said Secretary of State Antony Blinken, adding that the Pentagon would continue to keep a close watch on the scene of the attacks, in which hospital staff indicated 15 had died and 49 had been wounded, and in which none of the victims had any known ties to the people or culture of Ukraine. “We asked our sources in Afghanistan to assign bodies recovered from the rubble to one of two categories—‘Ukrainian’ or ‘not Ukrainian’—and so far all of the dead and maimed individuals have thankfully fallen into the latter category. We have also issued a formal diplomatic statement requesting that rescue workers prioritize any cries for help spoken in a Slavic language.” Blinken went on to say it was still too early to determine whether this gruesome series of attacks in Afghanistan’s capital was a Russian attempt to assassinate Ukrainian president Volodymyr Zelensky. |
Mayonnaise Label Warns Product For External Use Only #~# AMES, IA—Alerting consumers to the potential dangers of ingesting the condiment, a Hellmann’s mayonnaise label reportedly warned Wednesday that the product was for external use only. “Warning: Do not ingest!” read the label in part, explaining that the topical condiment could cause adverse reactions if administered orally or anally. “Mayo may result in irritation to sensitive skin, so test the product on a small patch of the skin before applying. Please contact poison control if mayonnaise is consumed. Wash hands thoroughly after contact.” At press time, the mayonnaise was recalled after the deaths of several children. |
Florida Rejects Dozens Of Math Textbooks Over Critical Race Theory #~# Florida’s education department has rejected 54 mathematics textbooks from next year’s school curriculum, with 21% of the books banned for allegedly referencing critical race theory and other prohibited topics. What do you think? |
What You Need To Know About ‘Ghost Guns’ #~# The Justice Department announced new legislation to regulate “ghost guns,” which are becoming increasingly prevalent in the U.S. The Onion tells you everything you need to know about ghost guns. |
Report: 73% Of America’s Food Waste Traced To Really Messy Toddler #~# WASHINGTON—According to a report released Wednesday by USDA’s Economic Research Service, 73% of food waste in the United States can be traced back to one really messy toddler. “Our collected data show that almost three quarters of the 60 billion tons of food thrown out every year in this country is due to 2-year-old fussy eater Ella McGeary of Waukesha, WI,” said Anna Bornstein, lead author of the report, explaining that the $160 billion worth of food that goes uneaten in the U.S. was mostly due to one child who immediately overturns every bowl of Cheerios or banana slices she receives throughout the day. “In fact, waste has skyrocketed in the last year and a half since McGeary was introduced to solid foods. The vast majority of applesauce in this country that could have helped feed families in need is instead being flung onto walls after McGeary knocks spoon after spoon out of her mother’s hand, and 16 tons of Goldfish crackers alone are being sent to landfills annually after being swept off the floor around the toddler.” Bornstein added that serving smaller portions and praising McGeary when she is not being messy could cut down on America’s food waste by 30 billion tons per year. |
Vengeful José Andrés Seals Screaming Russian Soldiers Into Enormous Empanada #~# KHARKIV, UKRAINE—Exacting swift and merciless retribution for the missile strike on his World Central Kitchen outpost, celebrity chef José Andrés was reportedly spotted Tuesday enclosing several terrified Russian soldiers within the pastry case of an enormous empanada. “Providing meals to displaced civilians during wartime is a vital humanitarian undertaking, and now you charity-bombing ratas are going to help me feed refugees whether you like it or not!” said the frenzied restaurateur, who cackled as he forcefully shoved handfuls of diced onions and potatoes into the men’s wailing mouths, coldly ignoring their muffled exhortations for forgiveness as they struggled in vain against the sprigs of aromatic parsley binding their wrists and ankles. “What’s wrong? Thought you could destroy my kitchen without becoming a piquant modern twist on a classic Spanish recipe? Cowards. Cry that tablespoon of smoked paprika and half cup of pitted green olives out of your eyes and look at me. Look at me! I want my face to be the last thing you see before I crimp that dough shut in a pleasing scalloped pattern and send you to hell in a 425 degree oven for 30 minutes or until golden-brown.” At press time, Andrés was seen manically plunging a large kitchen knife through the pastry’s top to ensure the Russian soldiers’ screams vented properly. |
Federal Judge Overturns CDC Mask Mandate For Planes, Public Transit #~# A federal judge in Florida has voided the national mask mandate covering airplanes and other public transportation as exceeding the authority of U.S. health officials, a ruling that comes a week after the CDC extended the mandate to counter the recent rise in Covid infections. What do you think? |
Airlines Announce It Safe To Fly Planes Indoors Again #~# NEW YORK—Responding swiftly after a federal judge struck down the sky mandate, domestic airlines including Delta, United, and Southwest announced Tuesday that it was safe to fly planes indoors again. “Finally, after two long years of strict government regulations, passengers can breathe a sigh of relief knowing they’re once more free to fly indoors,” said Delta CEO Ed Bastian, adding that he had already heard of thousands of customers celebrating the relaxed protocol as their flights smashed through plate glass windows and soared safely through office buildings, warehouses, and shopping malls. “I think we’re at the point where we can trust people’s judgments about whether planes ought to be used indoors or not. Obviously, if it ever seems unsafe to fly inside a supermarket or cathedral, our pilots are free to simply crash out through the roof and navigate around outside again.” Bastian concluded that he was even happier to drop the “frankly nonsensical” federal regulations that forced planes to stay six feet away from each another at all times. |
Conservative Parents Explain Why They Are Boycotting Disney #~# After Disney publicly opposed Florida’s “Don’t Say Gay” bill, countless conservatives began to boycott the company. The Onion asked parents how they came to that decision, and this is what they said. |
Frustrated CEO Stuck In Dead-End 7-Figure Job #~# NEW YORK—Bemoaning the lack of opportunities for growth in his current position, Eakins Analytics CEO Ryan Hammond expressed frustration Tuesday at being stuck in a dead-end seven-figure job. “Honestly, when I try to picture my future at this place, all I can imagine is spending decade after decade stalled out earning $1,200 an hour,” said Hammond, stressing that he clearly had no prospects of receiving a raise given the company’s notoriously stingy record on promotions. “Day in, day out, just sitting in this corner office with an incredible view of the Manhattan skyline and the freedom to do virtually anything I want, whenever I want. Is that really all I can look forward to? God, is this really the life I wanted for myself?” At press time, the CEO had reportedly sighed in despair after hearing one of his high school classmates was pulling in eight figures. |
Realtor Suggests Old Victorian House Perfect Place To Murder Family #~# WILMINGTON, NC—Painting a picture of the future the prospective buyers might one day share if they purchased the home, real estate agent Marjorie Krauss reportedly suggested to a couple Tuesday that the old Victorian house she was showing them would be the perfect place to murder a family one day. “You’re both still young, of course, but it may not be too long before you’re ready to want your own family’s blood splattered across these walls,” said Krauss, adding that the long, winding hallways of the Gothic Revival home were great for chasing down one’s terrified spouse or children, who could then have their heads bashed into the original balustrade or be thrown down the ornate front staircase to bleed out in the foyer. “You could also finish the basement, which would give you a lot of extra square footage if you’re planning to have a large family gruesomely killed and dismembered. Just pick out the flooring you want and use it to conceal the remains of those you loved and cherished more than anything in this world before you were mysteriously overtaken by strange, demonic passions and went on a deadly rampage.” Krauss noted that she was obligated to mention the recurring cycle of murders that took place in the home every 13 years, but insisted that it just added to the charm of the place and that the couple could always carry on the old tradition while adding their own flair. |
Health Insurance Plan Only Covers Random Hippopotamus Attacks #~# CHICAGO—Outlining the details of the man’s current policy over the phone Tuesday, a representative explained to local 32-year-old Greg Tarlton that his health insurance plan only covered random hippopotamus attacks. “Your current benefits as a Gold HMO member entitle you to reimbursement for most dental, vision, primary care, mental health, and emergency room expenses incurred as a direct result of injuries sustained during an encounter with a hippo,” said Jen Tisne, a policy advisor for SentiHealth Partners, confirming that Tarlton’s plan included a $10,000 deductible and was limited to in-network providers in the state of Illinois. “In the event you suffer a collapsed lung or broken rib after getting trampled by a hippopotamus that just appears out of absolutely nowhere, we’ll cover up to 95% of your hospital expenses. You’ll also be covered for any rehabilitative services you may require after a fully grown, 2-ton hippo suddenly rounds a corner, chases you down, and clamps down on one or both of your legs with its full bite force. Please note that if our adjuster determines you provoked the attack or were trying to feed the animal some of your protein bar, your claim will be denied.” The representative added that in locations where there are known to be hippopotamuses, such as zoos or the continent of Africa, all coverage is void. |
Gymnastics Program Gives Child Self-Discipline Needed To Sustain Lifelong Eating Disorder #~# AURORA, IL—Praising the competitive program for shaping the young girl into the obsessive woman she would one day become, sources confirmed Tuesday that local 10-year-old Sofia Haliday’s after school gymnastics club was giving her the self-discipline needed to sustain an eating disorder for life. “She has a great team of coaches constantly pushing her to get out of her comfort zone and endure not just pain, but even suffering,” said Amy Haliday, the girl’s mother, who boasted that the child was training for 20 hours a week at the elite club giving her a body image that would plague her well into adulthood. “She may be young, but there’s actually no better time to brainwash children into valuing an idealized body type above all else. Even when gymnastics is no longer part of her life, I hope she’ll still be counting every calorie and spending every minute of the day worrying whether there’s more she could be doing to maintain a rail-thin frame.” At press time, the girl’s mother added with pride that she, too, was of course partially responsible. |
Prince Harry, Meghan Visit Queen For First Time Since Giving Up Royal Titles #~# Prince Harry and his wife Meghan visited Queen Elizabeth II at Windsor Castle on their first joint visit to the U.K. since they gave up formal royal roles and moved to the U.S. more than two years ago. What do you think? |
FDA Authorizes First Covid-19 Breath Test #~# The Food and Drug Administration granted emergency use authorization to the first Covid-19 test that can use breath samples to detect the coronavirus within a few minutes and with a high degree of accuracy. What do you think? |
Excuses Employers Use To Not Give You A Raise #~# Money might be fake, but your boss’s reluctance to pay you isn’t. Here are common excuses employers will use to avoid giving you a hard-earned raise. |
Company Referral Program Offers Bonuses For Recommending Potential Employees To Fire #~# NEW YORK—Calling it an amazing opportunity to get more involved and earn some extra cash, local company VisionLab reportedly began a referral program Monday that offered bonuses for nominating potential employees to fire. “If you know someone that you’ve worked with and think they would be a great fit, please send us their name, position, and a brief description of why they are bad at their job and should be terminated,” an HR representative wrote in a company-wide email, which added that anyone who successfully referred someone to be dismissed would receive $1,500 on their next paycheck. “As a company, we are always looking for new and exciting people to shitcan, and a recommendation that details their laziness or terrible attitude can really go a long way. Especially if you know of any qualified women or minority candidates, we’d love to hear about their shortcomings or fireable offenses immediately.” At press time, the company also unveiled a monthly achievement award with a bonus given to someone who consistently helped to make the company a much worse place. |
Man Shopping For Cheap Sunglasses Troubled By Reviews Calling Sunglasses Cheap #~# SEATTLE—Expressing disappointment in the apparent lack of quality, a local man shopping online for cheap sunglasses Monday reported that he felt troubled by reviews calling the sunglasses he was looking at cheap. “I just wanted to buy some shades for a very, very small amount of money, but every time I find ones I like, there are all these user comments suggesting they’re poorly made,” said 30-year-old consumer Mark Anderson, scrolling through pages of one- and two-star ratings that described a pair of $15 sunglasses he had considered purchasing as “flimsy” and “a piece of sh*t.” “That’s disheartening, because the price sure is right. I see a lot of negative reviews with photos where the sunglasses are missing a lens or snapped in half, and I definitely don’t want to throw away 10 bucks or more on something like that. The weirdest part is that pretty much all the sunglasses in this price range seem to have similar issues.” At press time, sources confirmed Anderson had resolved to pay a little bit more to ensure he got something of higher quality and had purchased a $600 pair of Ray-Bans. |
Grandpa Surprisingly Willing To Talk About Man He Killed #~# HERMISTON, OR—As the elderly patriarch spoke of his experiences in the Vietnam War, sources confirmed Monday that Grandpa was surprisingly willing to talk about the man he killed. “Usually war vets will hold it close to the chest and not want to explain anything, but Grandpa Steve was just going on and on matter-of-factly about seeing an enemy soldier and blowing his head off,” said the man’s grandson Ben Legand, adding that his grandfather had been typically quiet all afternoon until a conversation about Asian food apparently gave him enough of an opening to go into great detail about killing a Vietnamese soldier. “He didn’t even mutter ‘War is hell’ or look off into the distance or anything like that. He just explained how he shot the guy in the face at close range. Mom even started saying something about him not having to talk about it if it bothered him, but he just breezed right on through and kept telling us about the day he killed the man who looked to be his own age. The detail he went into was actually pretty graphic, and although it didn’t sound like he enjoyed it, he clearly didn’t seem to regret it. Honestly, I think it’s the longest conversation we’ve ever had.” At press time, increasingly horrified sources added that Grandpa was shockingly willing to talk about the women and children he killed, too. |
Kim Gives Luxury Home To North Korea’s Most Famous Newscaster #~# Kim Jong-un has given luxurious new residences to North Korean elites including Ri Chun-hee, the country’s most famous state TV anchor, a move seemingly intended to boost loyalty as the leader grapples with the pandemic and a troubled economy. What do you think? |
Deshaun Watson’s Contract Includes Clause Voiding Guaranteed Money In Event Of Injury Sustained During Sexual Assault #~# CLEVELAND, OH—Stressing that the team needed to safeguard their financial interests should their new quarterback miss games, Cleveland Browns officials confirmed Monday that Deshaun Watson’s contract includes a clause voiding his guaranteed money in the event of an injury sustained during a sexual assault. “Like all NFL contracts, Deshaun’s includes language regarding typical club protections, including our right to withhold payments should he miss game time due to hurting himself by engaging in a potentially hazardous activity, like basketball, skydiving, or forcibly abusing someone,” said Browns general manager Andrew Berry, adding that the team didn’t want to be on the hook for Watson’s $230 million salary if he breaks his hand punching a woman. “We’re excited to have a player of Deshaun’s caliber leading our football team, but we also need our players to put the team first, and refrain from participating in any off-the-field activities that carry risks, like riding a motorcycle or restraining a massage therapist. What if he experiences a head or eye injury because he’s locked a woman inside a room and is holding her down and she injures him trying to flee? What if he strains his groin trying to force a woman’s hand to touch his penis? That’s something that we as the Cleveland Browns organization need to protect ourselves from. We understand that players have lives and aren’t going to stop doing everything they want, but they need to know that these activities can carry financial consequences.” When reached for comment, Watson’s agent, David Mulugheta, said that he strongly advised his client against landing in hot water with the team by posting any Instagram pictures of himself skiing, riding a moped, or committing sexual assault. |