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Report: 17% Of Easter Egg Hunts End In Child Setting Off Landmine #~# BOSTON—Warning parents to be on the lookout for unexploded ordinance during the traditional springtime festivity, a report released Sunday by researchers at Northeastern University found that 17% of all Easter egg hunts end with a child setting off a landmine. “Our survey concluded that a young child was blown up after tripping a mine on approximately 1 in 6 occasions in which an outdoor search for eggs, candy, or other treats was held to celebrate Easter Sunday,” said report co-author Brenda Daubert, who added that the majority of detonations occurred when a child clutching a brightly colored woven basket exclaimed, “I found one! I found one!” after leaving the beaten path and stumbling upon a location no one had searched yet. “What many see as an innocent part of the feast commemorating the resurrection of Christ is often unceremoniously cut short when children erupt into a cloud of blood, viscera, and plastic egg shards. It’s not just landmines, either. Live grenades are often mistaken for eggs by unsuspecting kids. Because of that, we strongly recommend parents avoid minefields when deciding on a location for their Easter gatherings.” Daubert added that the probability rises from 17% to 100% when the Easter egg hunt is held in Laos.

GOP Withdraws From Presidential Debate Panel #~# The Republican National Committee voted to withdraw from the commission responsible for organizing presidential debates, taking cues from former President Trump, who has repeatedly leveled accusations of anti-Republican bias against the group. What do you think?

Dianne Feinstein Argues She Still Perfectly Mentally Fit To Continue Captaining Submarine #~# WASHINGTON—Defending her performance against recent reports of cognitive decline, senior United States senator Dianne Feinstein argued Friday that she was still perfectly mentally fit to continue captaining the submarine. “If my fish colleagues have any doubts about my ability to damn the torpedoes or up the periscope, they simply haven’t told me,” said Feinstein, who admitted that she had briefly forgotten her first lieutenant’s name during a meeting at his battle station before blaming it on stress related to enemy ships rapidly pinging on radar. “Until I hear a compelling reason why I should step down as captain of this ship, I’m afraid I’ll just have to chock up these rumors to a mutiny brewing among my crew.” Feinstein declined to discuss her retirement, stressing that even if the submarine should spring a leak, she was prepared to go down with the ship.

‘I’ll Tell You When I’ve Had Enough,’ Says Pete Buttigieg, Blowing Off Steam With Another Round Through Car Wash #~# WASHINGTON—Unwinding after a particularly stressful day as U.S. Transportation Secretary, Pete Buttigieg was reportedly overheard Friday telling a resistant proprietor, “I’ll tell you when I’ve had enough,” while trying to blow off steam with another round through a car wash. “Look, I’ll stop when I’m good and ready, but it won’t be because some bozo in a jumpsuit cuts me off—I’m the head of the goddamn Department of Transportation, after all,” said the former mayor of South Bend, IN, his pupils dilating and his words beginning to slur as he threw cash in the attendant’s face and instructed him to “leave it open.” “Better make this next one a deluxe wash, and don’t skimp on the suds this time. Hoo doggy, that’s what I’m talking about! That hot wax will put some hair on your chest! Let me get one more undercarriage flush for the road. Better yet, let me buy a wash for everybody.” At press time, sources confirmed Buttigieg had been thrown out of the establishment after trying to start a fight with one of the large rotating brushes.

The History Of The NYPD #~# The New York City Police Department, the largest and most highly funded police force in the United States, has come under scrutiny after failing to apprehend a shooter in a crowded Brooklyn subway station. The Onion looks at the biggest controversies and most high-octane moments in the NYPD’s nearly 200-year history.

Cleveland Guardians Criticized For Stereotypical Depictions Of Art Deco Community #~# CLEVELAND—Amid a wider push for sports teams to stop using offensive mascots and imagery for their teams, the Cleveland Guardians have reportedly been at the center of criticism this week for stereotypical depictions of the art deco community. “This is 2022, and if you’re still appropriating art deco culture for your baseball mascot, something is seriously wrong with you,” said Ilsa Dwyer, a curator at the Art Institute of Chicago and an expert in the art deco movement, slamming the Guardians for the use of classic art deco motifs like blocky geometric lettering and angular parallel lines in their logo. “Our culture is not your costume. It hurts those who have spent their lives steeped in art deco traditions to turn on the television and see ignorant fans in the stands dressed up as Guardians. They don’t know the first thing about art deco’s history or the persecution that the movement faced at the hands of modernism.” The Guardians have not been the only sports team criticized for their choice of mascot, with the NFL’s Washington Commanders also meeting widespread condemnation for appropriating military culture.

Most Common Cause Of Death In Every State #~# Fraternity hazing: We swear he was dead when he got here, officer.

God Who Took Form Of Swan Finding It Much Harder To Seduce Women Than Expected #~# SAN JOSE, CA—Expressing confusion over his seeming inability to garner much sexual interest, the god Zeus, mightiest of all who dwell on Mount Olympus, confided to reporters Friday that despite having taken the form of a beautiful swan, he was finding it very difficult to seduce women. “I kind of just assumed that when I descended from the clouds with this long, graceful neck and these beautiful feathers, mortal women would start throwing themselves at me, but that didn’t happen at all,” said the thunderbolt-wielding lord of the sky, explaining that while he had fluttered and flapped his plumage in an attractive display, dozens of human females had nonetheless passed him by without a second glance, never once removing their clothes or begging to have sex with him. “Hey, ladies, check out my courtship dance—it’s exquisite! I transformed from a Greek god into a majestic swan just for you! Come on, what gives? I oughta be up to my neck in pussy right now. I just don’t get it.” According to reports, Zeus continued his attempts at seduction and was later heard emitting a startled honk when he was mounted by an aggressive Canada goose.

Thank God I Live In New Jersey #~# Last year, I made the bold choice to run for mayor of New York City. While I ultimately won the race by a landslide, many people spread vicious rumors about my family and me, one of which was that I lived part time in New Jersey.So, let me finally put those rumors to rest once and for all: I definitely do live in New Jersey. And thank God I do! New York City is fucking insane. Seriously, I just don’t understand how you all do it.It’s not that I don’t love New York City as a place, but I sure as hell am not going to live there 24 hours a day, seven days a week, 365 days a year. I genuinely do enjoy visiting the city for work or for pleasure, but as your mayor, let me assure you, the last thing I’d ever want to do is waste all of my precious time and money there.Some people will say New York City is the greatest city on Earth. And to them, I say, they’re right! But everything in moderation. There’s just so much disgusting garbage, dusty construction, and loud-ass honking. Ew. God. I get sick to my stomach just thinking about it.Yes, you get exciting things like Broadway, five-star restaurants, and an absolutely breathtaking skyline, but for what? Let me tell you, I’d pick my clean, safe, New Jersey house any day of the week. No contest. Case closed. Done. Finito.The truth is, I’m not 18 anymore. Maybe it was fun to live in a place like New York City when I was younger, but as your mayor, I’ll be the first to tell you that the excitement of the hustle and bustle really loses its charm. Just wait until you’re my age. You’ll see!Riddle me this. Why would I want to live in some crappy one-bedroom, $1 million shoe box in New York City? For that price, why would you not just take a quick, easy, and clean train across the river and buy yourself a gorgeous mansion? It’s one hour away! Just one hour! That’s nothing!Plus, the people! Everyone is so goddamn mean in New York City. And I should know. I talked to those assholes a lot before they elected me.Seriously, as the mayor of New York City, you couldn’t pay me enough to live here. Not only is it dirty, but it’s just plain unsafe. The place is filthy, and crime is out of control! No way I’m walking around on my own at night, or going on the subway and getting mugged or shot.

Woman Admits To Faking 2016 Kidnapping #~# Sherri Papini, a California mother charged with lying about a 2016 abduction that set off a nationwide search, admitted that her story about being kidnapped was fake, saying that she would spend the rest of her life trying to make amends. What do you think?

What To Say If Your Child Asks If You’re Rich #~# Talking about money can be difficult for many families, which is why we recommend paying someone to do it for you. Here’s what to say if your child asks if you’re rich.

Finland, Sweden Evaluating NATO Membership With Free One-Day Guest Pass #~# BRUSSELS—Testing the waters before committing to a more permanent status within the group, Finland and Sweden confirmed Thursday they were evaluating their possible membership in the North Atlantic Treaty Organization with a complimentary one-day guest pass. “It’s nice to get a taste of what it’s like to have the full military backing of the Western Alliance, even if it’s just for a day,” said Finnish prime minister Sanna Marin, who, along with Swedish prime minister Magdalena Andersson, expressed appreciation for the opportunity to experience NATO’s mutual-assistance treaty before making a commitment to devote 2% of her nation’s gross domestic product to military expenditures. “The day pass is only good for one session with a personal military trainer, which kind of sucks. But NATO is committed to repelling any invasion that occurs during the 24-hour trial period, so that’s cool. I’d probably feel a bit self-conscious being in a collective defense pact with all these big, strong military powers, but if Iceland and Luxembourg aren’t intimidated, I guess we shouldn’t be, either.” At press time, Marin and Andersson both reported feeling insecure about having to walk around NATO headquarters with large stickers on their shirts that said “Guest.”

Experts Recommend All Children Over 8 Be Screened For Anxiety #~# A leading panel of experts recommended for the first time that all children ages 8 to 18 should be screened for anxiety, prompted by the worsening state of mental health among children particularly during the pandemic. What do you think?

Dad Shredding Old Junk Mail With Intensity Of Watergate 7 #~# PIGEON FORGE, TN—Watching the man feed page after page into the machine, family sources confirmed Thursday that local father Jay Farley was shredding old junk mail with the intensity of the Watergate Seven. As the sweat beaded on his brow and his face took on a determined expression reminiscent of a Nixon White House advisor masterminding a cover up of federal crimes, Farley is said to have methodically destroyed every piece of mail that could give away any part of his identity. For a period of at least 30 minutes, the father of three was reportedly hidden away in his home office shredding all the takeout menus, credit card offers, and store coupons with the same frantic energy of a group of Nixon campaign aides performing an array of clandestine, illegal activities. Sources added that Farley even used a Sharpie to painstakingly black out his name and address from the covers of magazines too big to fit through the shredder as if he were erasing 18 and a half minutes of incriminating evidence. At press time, reports indicated that Farley had asked his son to act as his G. Gordon Liddy by taking the bags of documents to a disposal site.

Climate Report Finds Antarctica Could Support Multiple Golf Courses By 2050 #~# GENEVA—In the group’s latest effort to assess the impacts of the planet’s rising temperature, the Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change issued a report Thursday that concluded Antarctica could support multiple golf courses as soon as 2050. “We have every reason to believe the emergence of vast green expanses and lush rolling dunes may soon result in the development of 18-hole courses near the South Pole,” the report read in part, adding that global warming could cause the formation of fairways, sand traps, and water hazards, which would ultimately lead to par-72 courses capable of hosting charity hole-in-one contests and even PGA tour events. “Research suggests that by 2030, we may start to see putting greens and driving ranges appearing in the habitats of penguins and seals, both of which are likely to go extinct. This will be followed by invasive golf carts moving in and making it possible for the first members-only clubhouses to gain a foothold on the continent.” The report went on to note that unlike most consequences of climate change, this outcome was likely to have a disproportionately large impact on white people.

Man Endures Crippling Agony Of Proper Posture #~# KANSAS CITY, MO—Clenching his teeth and breathing heavily as he begged for mercy, local man Ken Yang told reporters Thursday that he could barely endure the crippling agony of proper posture. “Oh my God, it hurts so much, there’s no way the human body is meant to hold this position for so long,” said Yang, who winced and held back tears as he held his shoulders back, sat up straight, and mustered all his physical and mental strength to keep his spinal column in line. “Seriously, how do people do this? Every muscle and bone in my back feels like it’s on fire right now. I actually think this might be considered torture. Ow, ow, I think my neck just gave out.” At press time, Yang could not be reached for comment, as he’d fainted and his spine had returned to its natural position of being hunched at a 45-degree angle.

Psychotic Break Really Helping Man Come Out Of Shell #~# CHICAGO—Lauding the man for at last overcoming his inhibitions and opening up, sources confirmed Thursday that 36-year-old Gregory Ross’s psychotic break was really helping the former introvert come out of his shell. “He used to be a quiet guy, pretty much always kept to himself, but ever since he lost his fucking mind, Greg’s social anxiety basically cleared up,” said an anonymous source, who stated that Ross had begun meeting a ton of new people lately simply by screaming at the top of his lungs and sprinting through the street naked. “The new Greg is awesome. He used to never talk to strangers, but the other day I saw him bite a guy. Usually, I can barely get a hello out of him, but now he’s always going on and on about war bonds from Woodrow Wilson and what it’s like being Jesus.” At press time, a circle of coworkers at a party were cracking up and slapping Ross on the back after he announced that he was going to kill them all.

Missing Charles Darwin Notebooks Returned With Mysterious Note #~# A set of rare notebooks filled with notes by Charles Darwin have been anonymously returned to the University of Cambridge, over 20 years after they were initially reported missing, with a note reading “Librarian, Happy Easter X”. What do you think?

Nation Tells Starving Afghanis To Just Shut Up #~# WASHINGTON—Rolling their eyes as requests for food and aid continued to pour in from the famine-ravaged nation, the U.S. populace reportedly told starving Afghani civilians Wednesday to just shut up, because Americans no longer cared about them and enough was enough already. “Ugh, first you’re whining about how you want food, and now you’re droning on and on about permanent economic collapse—give it a fucking rest, okay?” said 48-year-old Massachusetts resident Barry Kingston, who echoed the exact sentiment of all 330 million U.S. residents when he explained that he had moved on from thinking about the 20-year occupation and maybe it was time for Afghanistan to do the same thing. “We’re focused on other stuff now, and we’re frankly sick of your nonstop blah, blah, blah about how you’re being brutally oppressed by a violent regime. Can’t you understand we don’t give a shit anymore? Some countries would have taken a hint by now, but no, not Afghanistan!” The American people went on to remark that it was as if Afghanis didn’t realize there was now an actual European country suffering from widespread atrocities.

Craziest Moments In ‘Hot Ones’ History #~# YouTube talk show Hot Ones features host Sean Evans interviewing celebrities over a plate of increasingly spicy hot wings, resulting in some wild and heated moments. The Onion looks at the craziest moments across Hot Ones’ seventeen seasons.

Supreme Court IT Guy Walks Ketanji Brown Jackson Through Logging Into Gavel #~# WASHINGTON—Assisting the recently confirmed nominee in the final steps of her onboarding Wednesday, the Supreme Court IT guy reportedly walked soon-to-be Justice Ketanji Brown Jackson through the process of logging into her new gavel. “We require two-factor authentication to issue a majority, concurring, or dissenting opinion, and you will have to update your password every 120 days,” said the official IT supervisor of the highest court in the land, asking Jackson to log into the device in order to enter her personal gavel portal, where she would be able to access the court’s docket, vote on petitions for review, and upload her direct deposit form. “Please be aware this is a work gavel, so don’t use it to issue any judgments outside the Supreme Court, even if you’re just hearing oral arguments between two friends. And for security purposes, please, please remember to gavel out at the end of each session. We don’t want an unauthorized person taking justice into their own hands.” According to sources, the IT guy went on to remark that Jackson was lucky to have one of the newer gavels, noting that Justice Samuel Alito was stuck with an old model that wasn’t even wireless.

Boris Johnson Fined By U.K. Police For Lockdown Parties #~# London’s Metropolitan Police have issued a fine against Prime Minister Boris Johnson following national outrage over lockdown parties held at government offices during the height of the pandemic when the country was under strict stay-at-home orders. What do you think?

Jack White Gets Married Onstage After Surprise Proposal #~# Guitarist Jack White surprised fans by proposing to and marrying fellow musician Olivia Jean live onstage during a Detroit homecoming show. What do you think?

Birthday Post Way Too Sentimental For Friend To Not Be Dead #~# BAKERSFIELD, CA—Expressing confusion at the earnestness of the deeply emotional caption, sources reported Wednesday that an Instagram post commemorating the birthday of a user’s friend was way too sentimental for the friend not to be dead. “This is a long, long paragraph, and there isn’t a hint of sarcasm or even a lighthearted joke—yeah, there’s no way this person’s still alive,” said local Instagram user Alex O’Shaughnessy, who noted that the user’s post only contained old pictures of the friend from high school and college, suggesting that it might not have been possible to take any after that time. “There’s also nothing in there about a birthday party or going out to celebrate. It says, ‘I always think about you this time of year,’ and describes the friend as ‘a special light in this world’—which I suppose could go either way, but those definitely sound more like things you say about someone posthumously. Yeah, they’ve gotta be dead.” Later, upon discovering the post ended with a GoFundMe link to help pay for desperately needed cancer treatment, sources confirmed the friend wasn’t actually dead yet.

Zoomers Discuss What They Would Do In A Military Draft #~# While the Russia–Ukraine war continues to rage overseas, many Americans have expressed concern that the U.S. could reinstate a national draft. We asked several members of Gen Z what they would do in the event they were forced to serve, and this is what they said.

‘That’s Going To Be So Good Later,’ Says Woman Smashing Foil Into Ball Around Wet Tortilla Edge, Single Remaining Bean #~# SAN DIEGO—Stopping herself from finishing the entire burrito in one sitting, local resident Danielle Gerardo was overheard Wednesday saying, “That’s going to be so good later,” as she smashed the foil wrapping into a tight ball around a nibbled, wet tortilla edge and the single remaining bean. “I’ll definitely be thanking myself for saving this when I’m hungry again in a few hours,” said Gerardo, figuring she could likely even stretch the leftovers into two or three more meals. “Thank goodness for self-restraint. That hard edge of the tortilla riddled with teeth marks and covered in mysterious burrito liquid always tastes so much better the next day, especially when it has a chance to stew in the air of the refrigerator and get nice and stale. I can’t wait to eat it for lunch tomorrow and be thoroughly fulfilled. Ooh, it would probably go so good with the gnawed-on pizza crusts I still have in the freezer.” Gerardo expressed relief that she’d had the foresight to save the salsa caked into the crevices of the small plastic lid.

Russia Taps New General To Oversee Ukraine Invasion #~# U.S. officials confirmed that General Aleksandr V. Dvornikov, who has been accused of committing war crimes in Syria, will now lead Russian forces in Ukraine, which up until now had no central war commander. What do you think?

Confused Russian Soldier Was Told Ukrainians Would Be Happy To Be Summarily Executed In Street #~# KYIV, UKRAINE—Noting the strange discrepancy between reality and his expectations, local Russian soldier Aleksander Kozlov was reportedly confused Tuesday after being told Ukrainians would be happy to be summarily executed in the street. “I’m just a little taken aback, because we were told that the Ukrainian people would be jumping for joy to be massacred,” said Kozlov, just one of many soldiers in his unit who was struggling with low morale following the Ukrainian people’s thus far lukewarm reactions to being tied up and shot execution-style in the head. “Our general said the second we arrived the people would come flooding into the streets cheering and crying, ‘Shoot me! Shoot me!’ I would get it if maybe the men weren’t super thrilled, but you would think at least the women and children would be excited to watch their families get killed before their very eyes. If they do like it, they have an odd way of showing it.” At press time, Kozlov added that he was still holding out hope the Ukrainians would start expressing gratitude once Russian started dropping nuclear bombs.

‘She’s Going To Regret All Those Once She Gets Older,’ Says Man Watching Tattooed Woman Push Stroller Of Kids #~# COLUMBUS, OH—Shaking his head and sighing at the heavily tattooed woman across the park, local 51-year-old Michael Wagner reportedly stated “She’s going to regret all those once she gets older” Tuesday while gesturing at her kids. “Even now, most of them are pretty ugly—just think how bad they’re going to look in 20 years,” said Wagner, who cast a judgmental gaze at the “tacky” and “pointless” children in the stroller as he speculated on what could have possibly driven the woman to make such an irreversible and reckless mistake. “It’s something you do when you’re young and stupid, but you pay for it later. Just because they seem cool now doesn’t mean she’ll still like them in a few years. You can tell she used to be very beautiful, too, but not with all of those. Yuck. I guess she must have been super drunk. How can she even get a job with all those?” At press time, Wagner added that while there were ways to get rid of them, he knew from experience how expensive that could be.

Revlon Releases New Line Of Concealer Pins To Blind Self From Own Hideousness #~# NEW YORK—Touting the product’s ability to erase pesky skin imperfections, blemishes, and discolorations, cosmetics giant Revlon announced Tuesday that it had released a new line of concealer pins designed to instantly blind users from their own hideous forms. “With this revolutionary new beauty treatment, all customers need to do is grasp the pin, stick it deep into each eye, and then wait until their vision blurs and totally disappears,” said Revlon spokesperson Jenna Tikkus, adding that during trials, participants felt more confident and beautiful within 30 minutes of no longer being able to gaze upon their disgusting, disfigured faces. “Say goodbye to wrinkles, bags, and sun damage, because with Revlon’s patented retina-puncturing formula, you’ll never have to gaze upon your repulsive, vomit-inducing features ever again. Once the blood is gone and your eyes have healed, the only thing you’ll see is sweet, beautiful darkness.” At press time, Revlon announced it had also released a series of stylish eye patches for customers to wear while they wandered the desolate plain of darkness for the rest of their existence.

Celebrities Explain How Being Canceled Changed Them #~# Celebrities’ lives may seem perfect, but like anyone else, their actions have consequences. The Onion asked Hollywood’s biggest stars how being canceled changed them, and this is what they said.

Mobster Excited For Surprise Trip To Secluded Lake With His 3 Best Buds #~# KANSAS CITY, MO—As he remarked upon how great it felt to forget all his worries and just have some time to relax, a local mobster reported Tuesday that he was excited for his sudden surprise trip to a secluded lake with his three best buds. “How nice is it for these guys to swing by my house at 2 in the morning and take me away on a little fishing vacation?” said Salvatore “Legs” Mancini of the Kansas City Mafia, climbing into a full-size sedan with out-of-state plates while three of his longtime associates made uncharacteristically stilted small talk and avoided eye contact. “Seriously, we never do stuff like this! Work’s been pretty rough lately, so I deserve it, you know? Man, I can’t wait to get out on the water. I’m gonna log as much lake time as possible on this trip.” Though it seemed a little cold for it, Mancini added that he had brought along his trunks, because his three buds had hinted that he might be going for a swim.

Insane Man Makes It Through Another Day Without Anyone Catching On #~# TACOMA, WA—Sighing with relief as he arrived home to his empty apartment, local insane man Mitchell Forrester confirmed Friday that he had made it through another day without anyone catching on. “I spent all day alternating between muttering to myself and bursting into loud fits of nervous laughter, and somehow no one’s the wiser—maybe it helped that they were wearing headphones?” said Forrester, who stated that he was “honestly astonished” that not a single one of his coworkers, friends, family members, or even any of the passersby on the street seemed to register or react to his full descent into madness. “I keep thinking today’s the day someone notices, today’s the day I’m institutionalized, but nope. I shit myself at my desk at 2:30 and pulled out a tooth, and none of my coworkers even looked up. I just keep flying under the radar somehow. I guess it’s really true that people are too busy worrying about themselves to notice the blood running from your mouth.” At press time, Forrester was punching himself in the head while his girlfriend asked how his day was.

Mattel Releases First Carbon-Neutral Toys #~# ​​Mattel has released its first-ever carbon-neutral toys, starting with Mega Bloks Green Town for preschoolers, as part of an effort to use 100% recycled, recyclable, or bio-based plastic materials in all its products and packaging by 2030. What do you think?

Mom Wants To Vacation Somewhere She Can Wear A Hat #~# GREEN BAY, WI—Calling her vision “the ideal trip,” local mother Misty Fulwider confirmed Tuesday that she wanted to vacation somewhere she could wear a hat. “Some place I can just put on a big, floppy hat that keeps the sun out of my eyes—now that’s my kind of vacation,” said Fulwider, who had a faraway look in her eyes as she called upon the rest of her family to consider visiting a place where she could pair the hat with a linen tunic or “something flowy.” “It doesn’t even have to be the beach, just somewhere sunny I can enjoy my new hat. It’s just so gloomy here, I haven’t had a good chance to wear it yet. And what would really be the cherry on top is if I could buy another hat there.” At press time, the rest of the family had settled on Six Flags.

U.N. Suspends Russia From Human Rights Council #~# The United Nations General Assembly voted to suspend Russia from the U.N. Human Rights Council, with 93 countries in favor, 24 against, and 58 abstentions, after high-profile allegations were made of atrocities committed by Russian soldiers during the war in Ukraine. What do you think?

Most Dangerous Mental Health Trends On TikTok #~# Mental health influencers may seem as if they have all the answers, but the truth is, they’re just as depressed and stupid as you are. If you’re on TikTok, do everything you can to avoid these dangerous mental health trends.

Man Drinking Beer At 7:30 A.M. On Bus May Be Onto Something #~# CHICAGO—Saying they felt inspired by the resourcefulness and ingenuity of a fellow commuter, onlookers reported Monday that a man drinking beer at 7:30 a.m. on a city bus might be onto something. “Here’s a person who, by all appearances, has absolutely no anxiety about tackling the day,” said bus rider Alex Darvey, adding that he took the number-8 Halsted route to work every morning and had rarely seen anyone have as much fun as the man openly taking sips from a 24-ounce can of Steel Reserve. “Honestly, he seems to be the only person enjoying this bus ride. I don’t know if he’s heading into work or what, but from the looks of things, this guy isn’t suffering from any of the stress or boredom I feel during my commute. Maybe all I’ve needed all this time is a little something to take the edge off. And look, he’s even managing to catch a quick nap!” At press time, Darvey was seen picking up a cream-cheese bagel and a bottle of vodka on his way into the office.

Financial Advisor Recommends Fraud #~# TOMS RIVER, NJ—After going over various options with a new client, local financial advisor Gary O’Malley reportedly recommended fraud this week. “If you want a secure financial future for yourself and your family, I can’t recommend anything more than fraud,” said O’Malley, who then went over the different avenues of fraud available to his client, recommending he diversify his portfolio to include securities fraud, tax fraud, and embezzlement. “I don’t recommend fraud to everyone, because if you don’t have a good chunk of change to invest in it from the beginning, it can become a big hassle. But once you’re all set up, it’s the best long-term way to ensure that your money keeps making money. You just get a nice fraudulent scheme set up, and you’ll be able to continue earning passive income from it for the rest of your life. There are some government subsidies you shouldn’t be able to apply for but absolutely can, if you tweak the details a little bit. I’ll get you the information on those. And you know you can trust it, because it’s what I do with my own business. Don’t you ever want to retire? Try fraud.” O’Malley ended the meeting by telling his client that he was lucky he came to see him and not some two-bit financial advisor who would try to convince him to do something completely legal.

Supreme Court Agrees To Hear The Case Of The Haunted Harbor #~# WASHINGTON—Dimming the lights and lighting candles before oral arguments started, the U.S. Supreme Court reportedly agreed Monday to hear the Case of the Haunted Harbor. “What happened down at the docks that grim October night has important implications for how this nation addresses mysterious happenings and events that defy ordinary explanation,” the court stated in a writ of certiorari ordering the First Circuit Court of Appeals to turn over all of the materials it had relating to the unexplained sightings of spectral presences down at the quay on a still, moonlit night. “This is a chilling tale of eerie precedent and peculiar legal maneuvering. What happened there in that desolate harbor? We know what the Federalist Papers have to say about a ship long believed sunk appearing in the distance with its lights on and sounds coming from it, yet when it is boarded the next morning the vessel looks like no one has set foot on it for decades. Still, ambiguities remain about the legal framework for addressing a shadow of a ghostly presence seen in a mirror that put an old fisherman into cardiac arrest from the shock. The outcome of the Haunted Harbor case not only has the potential to affect millions of Americans, both living and dead, but it could potentially call into question the previous ruling over the Case of the Missing Lighthouse.” At press time, Justices Neil Gorsuch and Elena Kagan had both recused themselves from hearing the Case of the Haunted Harbor because it sounded way too spooky.

Parents Ask If Son Wouldn’t Mind Stopping By To Fix Gaping Void In Their Lives #~# WATERBURY, CT—Saying they were completely hopeless when it came to such things, James and Phyllis Burgauer told reporters Monday that they asked their son, Lance, if he wouldn’t mind stopping by to fix the gaping void in their lives. “It would be a huge favor to us if he could just pop over after work and try to mend the enormous black hole that fills our existence,” said Phyllis Burgauer, explaining that Lance was always so good at patching the ever-growing cavernous abyss of discontent and lack of purpose that gnaws at their every thought, so it would be incredibly appreciated if he had time to help them out. “I know he keeps showing us how to do it, but we’re just not as capable on our own. His dad has tried several times, but he always ends up making the empty chasm wider.” She added that they thought about calling a professional to fix the problem, but they just didn’t want to spend the money, and besides, that was why they had a child in the first place.

Bored Kamala Harris Doodles Cartoon Of Refugee Being Thrown Out Of Airplane In Margin Of Notes #~# WASHINGTON—As she absentmindedly sketched in the margin of her notes during a national security meeting Monday, a bored Kamala Harris was seen doodling a cartoon of a refugee who had been thrown out of an airplane, with the word “Noooooo!” appearing in a speech balloon near the plummeting individual’s mouth. According to White House sources, the vice president’s extensive series of drawings consisted of vignettes in which the refugee was thrown out the cargo door of a 747, catapulted into a brick border wall, and set on fire by Immigration and Customs Enforcement agents, who were uniformly depicted with arched eyebrows to indicate they were very angry. Reports confirmed that Harris completely tuned out the briefing on the threat of Russian cyberattacks as she added detailed blood and viscera to an image of a Haitian asylum seeker who been dropped into shark-infested waters off the Gulf Coast. At press time, the vice president had reportedly submitted the drawings to some of her favorite publications in the hopes being able to quit her job and pursue cartooning full-time.

Pundits Warn Midterms Could Spell Doom For Democrats After Beto O’Rourke Announces Candidacy In Every Race In Country #~# WASHINGTON—Calling a catastrophic midterm outcome “all but certain” for Democrats, political pundits were sounding the alarm Friday after Beto O’Rourke announced his candidacy in every race in the country. “Beto is a very vulnerable candidate, and if he can’t pull these elections off, everything from the U.S. Senate to the county auditors in Iowa to the school boards in Oregon will fall into Republican hands,” said podcast host Ezra Klein of The New York Times, whose dire warning was echoed by analysts across numerous news outlets who expressed concern that Democrats would lose power if the former Texas congressman’s thousands of campaigns were to fail. “Voters across the country are already feeling very disillusioned by Beto. If he does lose all of the midterms, it could be decades before we finally see him elected to every office in the nation.” At press time, pundits were reportedly shocked after polls found O’Rourke leading in every race.

Man In Germany Gets 90 Covid Vaccine Shots To Sell Forged Passes #~# A 60-year-old man in Germany was caught after allegedly being vaccinated for Covid as many as 90 times in order to obtain vaccination cards with real batch numbers and sell them to people who did not want to receive the immunization themselves. What do you think?

Wind Energy Company Pleads Guilty After Killing 150 Bald Eagles #~# Wind farm operator ESI Energy has been sentenced to probation and ordered to pay more than $8 million in fines and restitution for at least 150 eagles that were killed by its turbine blades over the past decade. What do you think?

Lord Of Darkness Feeling Burnt Out By Repetitive Cycle Of Rising To Power, Being Defeated By Chosen One, Rising Again #~# THREE SEAS KINGDOM—Discouraged by his seeming lack of progress, the Lord of Darkness confirmed Friday that he was feeling burnt out by the repetitive cycle of rising to power, being defeated by the Chosen One, and rising again. “I mean, yeah, the entire land is blanketed in evil now, but how long until another prophecy comes out and I’m back to square one, attempting to rise from the ashes in some backwater black bog?” said the 708-year-old ancient sorcerer, who described his quest for total dominion over the realm as “one step forward, two steps back,” adding that he understood the Chosen One wasn’t in a perfect position either, given that the teenager was continually being reborn and forced to fight an eternal nemesis. “Is this all there is to life? Rise again, be defeated, rise again? I know I should just look at it as a meditation on how you do what you do because you love it, but it’s getting really hard. I’m just scared I’m going to lose my drive for perpetuating evil. Sometimes, I feel like a nobody of darkness. Anyway, I’m really just venting. I know I can’t quit. I’ve been reading a lot about inherited trauma lately.” At press time, the Lord of Darkness had reportedly lain down for a nap.

What To Know About Florida’s ‘Don’t Say Gay’ Bill #~# Gov. Ron DeSantis recently signed Florida’s “Parental Rights in Education” House Bill 1557 into law amid a firestorm of controversy. The Onion answers common questions about the legislation, which opponents have termed the “Don’t Say Gay” bill.

Trojan Introduces New Contraceptive Fife For Charming Sperm Out Of Vaginal Canal #~# EWING TOWNSHIP, NJ—Touting the product as a breakthrough in modern prophylactics, leading condom brand Trojan announced Friday that it would expand its product line to include a new contraceptive fife that could be used to charm sperm out of a vaginal canal. “This small wooden flute, when played correctly, is capable of enchanting up to 99.9% of spermatozoa and leading them jauntily and safely away from the nearest egg,” said Dana Hendricks, president of marketing at Trojan, before demonstrating several alluring melodies one could play on the device to cast a delightful spell upon semen and prevent an unwanted pregnancy. “The user has about 30 to 45 minutes after ejaculation to render a tune that fully mesmerizes the sperm cells, which will twirl their flagella and merrily follow the siren song out of the vagina—or any other orifice, for that matter. The bewitched seminal fluid will then launch into a hearty jig as the piper leads them across the bed, into the bathroom, and down the drain.” Hendricks added that skilled fife players would find the product was also powerful enough to lure sperm out of a flaccid penis.

Avant-Garde DJ Really Gets The Dance Floor Thinking #~# MIAMI—A crowded nightclub reportedly erupted into contemplation Friday after an avant-garde DJ really got the entire dance floor thinking. “When that crazy-ass meditative soundscape dropped, everybody on the floor just started ruminating like wild,” said nightclub patron Lydia Wallace, adding that she and her friends had lined up outside the nightclub several hours before it opened to ensure they wouldn’t miss pondering the deconstructive yet citational nature of DJ [ // &&& // ]’s sounds. “I immediately started having all these associations—it was so fucking profound, you know? God, I love coming out to the club and just standing for hours while I question my presuppositions. I was reflecting on the nature of being, of music, of art. And it felt so good to be surrounded by that sweaty, pensive crowd all pondering as one body. Man, I am mulling like crazy.” At press time, witnesses confirmed the crowd had gone absolutely introspective when the avant-garde DJ yelled for everyone to put their hands on their chins to think.

Students Explain How College Has Censored Them #~# While free speech is a constitutional right, many Americans do not feel it is properly protected at universities. The Onion asked several current college students how they’ve felt censored on campus, and this is what they said.

Costumed Characters Will Be Able To Start Hugging Again At Disney Parks #~# Disney has announced that visitors at Walt Disney World and Disneyland will be permitted to interact with, hug, and get autographs from costumed characters again starting in mid-April, after the traditional greetings were put on hold two years ago due to the pandemic. What do you think?

Man Who Lost Everything In Crypto Just Wishes Several Thousand More People Had Warned Him #~# CHICAGO—Saying he had been absolutely blindsided by the sudden change in his fortunes, local 33-year-old Tyler Branton, a man who lost everything in cryptocurrencies, told reporters Thursday that he just wished several thousand more people had warned him. “If only a thousand—or even a few hundred—more friends had told me about the risks of putting my entire savings into Dickcoin, I might not be where I am today,” said Branton, decrying how no one had alerted him to the inherent instability of digital currencies except for dozens of coworkers, family members, podcast hosts, and respected economists. “Over the past few days, I’ve started to worry that all of this stuff—Web3, non-fungible tokens, even the blockchain—is just a Ponzi scheme to cheat people like me out of our money, and no one even thought to explain this to me outside of the hundreds of people I deliberately ignored. It’s really a shame that I learned all of this too late.” At press time, the relieved man had reportedly thanked social media users who spoke up to encourage him to shake off the bankruptcy and go into debt buying as many Golden Banana tokens as possible.

Tennessee GOP Adds Age Requirement To Marriage Bill After Backlash #~# Republicans in Tennessee have amended a bill that would establish an “alternative form of marriage,” primarily meant to create a class of common-law marriage that would be limited to heterosexual people, to include age limits after a week of backlash. What do you think?

Buttigieg Brushes Up On Honking For Upcoming Talks With Nation’s Big Rigs #~# WASHINGTON—His lips flaring as he forced the loud blasts out of his lungs, Transportation Secretary Pete Buttigieg reportedly brushed up on his honking Thursday in preparation for an important conference with the nation’s big rigs. “If we’re ever going to find common ground with these 18-wheelers, it’s essential that I speak their language,” said Buttigieg, who hoped to avoid a repeat of the disastrous 2021 rail summit during which he used an errant and unscripted “choo-choo” that elicited widespread criticism, forcing his aides to walk back the offensive train-whistle sounds. “I took honking for a couple years in high school, so it’s all in here somewhere. While I’m certainly not fluent, just knowing how to honk ‘Good morning’ and ‘My name is Pete Buttigieg’ will go a long way toward building trust with America’s semitrucks. The last thing I want to do is rely on a translator for a basic expression like diesel or jackknife or Dead Man’s Curve.” At press time, sources confirmed Buttigieg was watching YouTube videos of big rigs honking to make sure he had the accent down.

What To Say If Your Boss Asks You To Work On The Weekend #~# Unless you’re getting paid some serious overtime, your Saturday and Sunday should be off limits. If your boss asks you to work on the weekend, here is what you should say.

Several Wendy’s Menu Items Added To Periodic Table As Part Of New Sponsorship Deal #~# WASHINGTON—In a collaboration that all involved touted as an innovative step forward in the world of food science, several Wendy’s menu items were reportedly added to the periodic table of elements Thursday as part of a new sponsorship deal. “We are pleased to welcome the Baconator, the Hot Honey Chicken Sandwich, and other delicious Wendy’s classics to the periodic table, where they’ll sit side by side with beloved gases and metals like oxygen, lutetium, and zinc,” read a joint statement released by the American Chemical Society and Wendy’s to announce the new deal, which included several hypothetical breakfast menu items that exist in theory but have not yet been synthesized. “Fans of Wendy’s and chemical properties alike will enjoy some of our more ambitious collaborations, which include a limited-time series of Noble Gas Sandwiches, as well as a combo deal that allows you to get a medium Frosty for just 99 cents with the purchase of any actinide. It’s a great chance to enjoy science and a hearty meal at the same time. This offer is available at all participating restaurants and chemical laboratories nationwide.” According to reports, the sponsorship has met with backlash from diners complaining about the new radioactive Moscovium Nuggets, whose atomic bonds typically fall apart 100 milliseconds after being served to customers.

Original Stan Lee Corpse Sells At Auction For $5 Million #~# NEW YORK—After an intense period of bidding that drew record-breaking offers for the creative force behind Marvel Comics, the corpse of Stan Lee sold Thursday for more than $5 million, according to officials at Christie’s Auction House. “This is a remarkable piece of comic book history that any serious fan would be proud to own,” said Christie’s CEO Guillaume Cerutti, explaining that for collectors eager to get their hands on an original Stan Lee, the auction presented a rare opportunity. “Cadavers like this don’t come on the block very often, especially in such good condition. Sure, there’s the normal wear and tear that you expect in a decomposing body from this period: The eyes have sunken back into the skull, and the skin is peeling in certain places. But regardless, this remains one of the most sought-after corpses I’ve ever had the pleasure of auctioning off.” The $5 million price represented a substantial profit for the seller, an anonymous collector who reportedly acquired the remains from a gravedigger in 2018 as part of a $150 deal that also included Philip Roth.

Native American Tribe Reaquires Land After Being Displaced For Over 350 Years #~# The Rappahannock tribe, a native tribe in Virginia, has reacquired 465 acres of their ancestral home that English settlers displaced them from in the 1660s, the purchase made possible by donors and grants as part of a growing movement of indigenous peoples fighting to reclaim their land. What do you think?

I Thought This Was The Kind Of Shit America Liked #~# On Feb. 24, 2022, I—Vladimir Putin—sent troops into Ukraine to conduct a special military operation. As the president of Russia, I obviously expected resistance from leaders of certain key world powers, but I must say I’ve been surprised at how the United States, specifically, has reacted.

Study: Fox News’ Viewers Changed Attitudes After Being Paid To Watch CNN For 30 Days #~# A new study found that Fox News viewers who were paid to watch CNN for 30 days became more skeptical and less likely to believe fake news, noting changes in attitudes and policy preferences about Covid-19 and evaluations of Republican candidates and elected officials. What do you think?

Close Friends More Tolerable After A Few Drinks #~# AUSTIN, TX—Saying the ritual helped take the edge off the intimate get-together, local man Ted Boyd told reporters Wednesday that spending time with a group of his close friends was always more tolerable after a few drinks. “It’s great when we can just hang out and drink beer like this, because otherwise it can be pretty hard for me to connect with these guys who know me and understand me better than anyone else in my life,” said Boyd, who added that the hardest part of meeting up with his friends was the first 10 minutes or so, before he felt any effects from the alcohol, but that after the intoxicant took hold, interacting with people he liked and had known well for many years started to feel like something he could bear. “Enjoying our cherished acquaintance, our shared history together, all our inside jokes—that stuff’s a lot easier to get through once I have a good buzz going. And later, when we’re three or four rounds in, that’s when I can really begin to handle having these kinds of ordinary conversations with people who, through some of my best and worst moments in this world, have always been there to love and support me.” At press time, Boyd was reportedly throwing back a shot to make a romantic evening with his loving wife more endurable.

Hillary Clinton Receives $225,000 Speaking Fee For Telling Grandson Bedtime Story #~# NEW YORK—According to tax filings obtained from the Clinton Foundation, former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton received a $225,000 speaking fee Wednesday night for telling her grandson a bedtime story. “This was a standard payment to compensate Secretary Clinton for her limited time, and in recognition of the value her grandchild received from hearing a story about a wayward goat and his friend the silly giraffe,” Clinton Foundation spokesperson Jennifer Alpert said in a disclosure statement that also included the itinerary for the hour-long event with the 2-year-old at his home in Manhattan’s Flatiron District. “This was actually substantially lower than the secretary’s typical speaking fees, which is a testament to how much reading to her grandson aligns with the values of the Clinton Foundation. She even stayed afterward to sign a copy of the book and take any questions Jasper might have.” Alpert added that the appearance was really a steal when you considered the $2.5 million Clinton received for attending her daughter’s wedding.

Shrimp Assumed Visible String Of Shit Would Go Further In Deterring Predators #~# BAY ST. LOUIS, MS—Expressing frustration that another 9 billion pounds of their friends and family had been consumed last year by humans alone, the world’s shrimp population admitted Wednesday that they had assumed the visible string of shit they evolved would have gone further in deterring predators. “You’d think if you were a predator and you saw an animal whose translucent body showcased a long line of foul excrement stretching through its intestine to its anus, you’d want to eat something else—but nope,” said local shrimp Rocco DiScampi, 2, adding that while the humiliating trait had emerged over more than 300 million years of natural selection, it apparently still wasn’t disgusting enough to stop the species from being preyed upon. “The oceans are absolutely teeming with sources of protein that do not have a thick tube of feces continuously showing through their abdomens. So why eat us? I mean, look at me! I have a 3-inch-long filthy asshole!” The shrimp added that he wouldn’t eat that shit as a last resort, let alone pay for the privilege of doing so at a Michelin-starred restaurant.

Ancient ‘Killing Stone’ Said To Contain Evil Demon Has Cracked Open #~# A slab of volcanic rock north of Tokyo, known as Sessho-seki or “killing stone”, was recently discovered split into two, sparking fear among some locals because the 6-ft by 26-ft stone is linked to a Japanese myth that suggests it contains an evil nine-tailed fox demon. What do you think?

Man Who Can Fire You At Any Time Insists You Call Him By First Name #~# YOUR WORKPLACE—Making the proclamation shortly after releasing your hand from his sweaty grip, a man who can fire you at any time reportedly insisted Wednesday that you call him by his first name. “Please, call me Tom,” said the man who could shatter your livelihood and rob you of affordable medical care on a whim, who with one half-formed decision made as the result of other actions that had nothing to do with you could send your family into poverty. “There’s no need to be so formal. We’re all friends here.” At press time, the man who does not care one iota what you think and considers your employment at best a necessary evil on his own path to amassing a fortune stated that his door was always open.

Surprising Things Your Health Insurance Will Not Cover #~# In the American healthcare system, it’s probably best to expect to pay out of pocket for 100% of your medical procedures. Here are several surprising things that your health insurance absolutely will not cover.

The Onion Explains: War Crimes #~# U.S. president Joe Biden and others have recently accused Russian president Vladimir Putin of committing war crimes during his country’s invasion of Ukraine. But what are war crimes, exactly? The Onion explains the history, rationale, and application of war crimes.

Elon Musk Becomes Largest Twitter Shareholder #~# Tesla CEO Elon Musk bought a 9% stake in Twitter to become its largest shareholder, just before raising questions about the social media platform’s dedication to free speech and the First Amendment. What do you think?

Increasingly Desperate Zelensky Straining To Connect War, Trowel Sales In Address To Garden Supply Wholesaler #~# PITTSBURGH—In an emotional yet somewhat stilted plea, an increasingly desperate Volodymyr Zelensky was reportedly straining to connect the war with Russia to trowel sales Tuesday in his video address to a garden supply wholesaler. “The proliferation of trowels is much like the proliferation of war, except, uh, trowels are fine, and war is bad,” the Ukrainian president said in a pretaped 45-minute address, scratching his head and stuttering momentarily as he made an urgent appeal to the six-member team of the local small business for their full material and diplomatic support. “Just as we cannot close our eyes to the growing of weeds in our gardens, so too must this world keep its eyes open to the atrocities in Ukraine—ah, there we go, see, I got this. Yes. We plant the seeds of democracy now, so that our smiles are plaque and cavity-free tomorrow. Oops, I’m sorry, that part was for a dentist’s office I have booked later today.” At press time, sources confirmed staff members were so moved by Zelensky’s speech that they had pledged to send 50 bags of mulch to Ukraine.

Red Flags That Mean It’s Time Ditch Your Doctor #~# Yes, they wear white coats and have fancy diplomas, but doctors can still be idiots. If you spot any of these red flags, it’s time to ditch your care team immediately.

‘They Switched It For Molasses!’ Yells Energy Secretary Discovering Nation’s Entire Oil Reserves Stolen #~# FREEPORT, TX—Taking a finger and tasting a scoop of the sticky, brown substance, Energy Secretary Jennifer Granholm reportedly yelled, “They switched it for molasses!” Tuesday when she discovered the nation’s entire Strategic Petroleum Reserve had been stolen. “Good God, they can’t all be like this—no, no, no, no!” said Granholm, who began wildly shoving and kicking the syrup-filled drums in a fit of rage as the full extent of what had occurred at the underground facility finally dawned on her. “They’re useless—the entire reserve is useless! That’s 550 million barrels of oil, gone! They said they were barrel repairmen, and we believed it. Jesus Christ. That was everything. We’re fucking ruined!” At press time, sources confirmed Granholm was watching in stunned disbelief as the culprits took off in the very jet she had used to get there.

Kamala Harris Confirms Crack In Office Ceiling Seems Slightly Longer Today #~# WASHINGTON—Insisting that there was an appreciable difference over the past 24 hours, Vice President Kamala Harris confirmed Tuesday that the crack in the office ceiling seems slightly longer today. “It could be a shadow, but it really does seem bigger than yesterday,” Harris reportedly said to herself, reclining fully in her office chair staring at the crack in the ceiling as she had been for nearly an hour. “I don’t remember it starting so close to the wall. Should I tell someone and get maintenance in here? Although I hate to bother them, you just start to notice these things when you’re just sort of sitting around in here for so long. I’d meant to keep checking that crack every day since I noticed it last fall, but I got super busy for a couple weeks there when that spider formed a cobweb in the corner and I was waiting for it to drop down far enough that I could swat it. I should really be more diligent. Oh darn, I think my leg’s asleep.” At press time, Harris had reportedly cleared away several knicknacks from her desk and was standing on it to mark the crack’s progress across the ceiling with a pencil.

Amazon Workers Win Battle To Form First U.S. Union #~# Amazon workers at a Staten Island, NY processing facility have won a historic vote to form the first-ever collective bargaining unit at the e-commerce giant, despite months of an aggressive anti-union campaign run by the company. What do you think?

Report: You Could Just Lose An Arm One Day #~# BOSTON—In an exhaustive analysis of the most up-to-date human anatomical studies, a report released Tuesday by researchers at Boston University’s School of Public Health concluded that it was completely possible for you to just lose an arm one day. “The data indicate that more than 99% of people who have lost an arm never thought it would happen to them, so why should it be any different for you?” said report co-author and epidemiologist Hannah Chabot, citing numerous case studies that suggest you could wake up in the morning with two arms and go to bed with one, simple as that. “Sepsis, gangrene, freak accidents, and even animal attacks are phenomena that occur to ordinary people every day. In fact, our research found that all it takes is a single instance of stepping into a crosswalk at the wrong time, and bam! No more arm for you. It’s honestly kind of amazing that you still have both of them.” Chabot went on to emphasize that the loss of limbs doesn’t have to stop at one arm, either.

BetterHelp Therapy Session Leads To Breakthrough In Sellable Patient Data #~# CHICAGO—In what she described as a major step forward after months of psychological evaluation, a therapist at online mental health provider BetterHelp confirmed that her session with a client Tuesday had led to a significant breakthrough in sellable patient data. “It’s been a long road, but she was finally able to talk about her trauma in a way that will permit our advertising partners to target her buying habits,” said counseling psychologist Sarah Hargrave, who admitted that the deep-seated sources of her client’s emotional issues had made her question whether his debilitating anxiety could ever truly be monetized. “I definitely feel like we got somewhere today and were able to identify several consumer behaviors that we can continue to exploit going forward. The way she allowed himself to be vulnerable, to cry a little, and then to open up about her childhood in a way that will enable the marketing messages she sees on her screen to be optimized—it was really inspiring.” Hargrave went on to state that she could not disclose the name of her client, as that would be an inexcusable breach of professional ethics.

D.C. Police Find 5 Fetuses In Home Of Anti-Abortion Activist #~# Washington, D.C. officers discovered five fetuses inside the basement apartment of an anti-abortion activist who was also recently indicted on federal charges for blocking access to a reproductive health center. What do you think?

White House Press Secretary Asks Reporter Chanting ‘Kill, Kill, Kill’ If He Has An Actual Question #~# WASHINGTON—After letting out a sigh of apparent exasperation, outgoing White House Press Secretary Jen Psaki took a pointed tone during Monday’s briefing when she asked a reporter chanting “Kill, kill, kill” if he had an actual question for her. “Is there an inquiry relevant to the Biden administration’s current policies, sir?” Psaki said as the foam-mouthed reporter’s eyes rolled back in his head and he screamed “Blood! Blood now!” while scrambling over other members of the press corps in a frenzied rush toward the podium. “I’m happy to answer any question you’d like about the Russia-Ukraine conflict or the release of oil reserves, but ‘The impure among us will suffer unspeakable agony!’ is not a hypothetical I’m going to entertain. Similarly, the White House has not issued an official position on whether the filthy stain of the unrighteous can only be cleansed in an ocean of blood. Let’s move on.” Sources confirmed Psaki also dodged inquiries from the reporter about whether she approved of him eating her bones.

What To Say If Someone Catcalls You #~# When a stranger shouts sexually inappropriate comments at you on the street, it’s demoralizing, and it can often be hard to stand up for yourself. If someone catcalls you, don’t back down—say these things to them instead.

‘You Have Abandoned Us, So Shall Ye Be Abandoned!’ Bellow Employees At Coworker Returning From Vacation #~# MILWAUKEE—Arguing that such rank betrayal deserved equal recompense, Crain Systems employees reportedly bellowed Monday that just as coworker Tyler Simmons had abandoned them, “so shall ye be abandoned” after his three-day vacation. “Do you think us fools to accept you back into our ranks so easily after such traitorous misdeeds? No! Take thine allotted personal days and leave our sight, foul deserter!” said the throngs gathered in the meeting room, who commanded their treacherous coworker to exile himself from the office forevermore and return to his oh-so-beloved vacation spot in Traverse City, MI. “You would make a pariah out of us with your vacation days? No, we will make a pariah out thee! Cast thyself out of this office and spit on thy contributions in today’s morning meeting! Begone, vacationing devil!” At press time, the employee outcry was reportedly quelled after Simmons revealed he brought a package of cherry taffy for everyone to share.

Panasonic Recalls 2 Million Microwaves That Got Dirty #~# NEWARK, NJ—Following hundreds of reports of strange-colored smears and unpleasant odors, Panasonic issued a product recall Monday on 2 million microwaves that got dirty. “It was never our intention that these microwaves would get splattered with soup and sauces, and for that, we deeply apologize,” said Megan Myungwon Lee, CEO of Panasonic North America, who stated that the recall extended to all devices sold by the company within the past five years that caused countless numbers of customers to become frustrated, disgusted, and even ill. “We’re still not sure how this happened, as every Panasonic product is thoroughly inspected for cleanliness before leaving our factories. This is obviously a glaring error on our part. We have no idea what that red gunk is, so we are asking for your own safety that all customers return these products immediately.” At press time, Lee had resigned in disgrace.

New Mother Confirms Childbirth Most Rewarding Experience A Desperate Attention Seeker With No Personality Can Go Through #~# EVANSTON, IL—In a post celebrating the birth of her daughter, new mother Nicki Dennings confirmed Monday that childbirth was, indeed, the most rewarding experience a desperate attention seeker with no personality can go through. “Wow, only mothers would understand this, but there really is nothing that compares to the experience of pushing another human being out of your body and building an entire identity around that single action,” said the 30-year-old with no discernible charisma or character, gushing over finally having found an idea of a self to latch onto and defend violently against those who “could never understand what this feels like” despite it happening roughly 385,000 times a day on Earth. “The whole time I was pregnant, I just kept thinking about how cool it is that I’m growing something inside me that I’ll be able wring attention out of for the rest of my life. I now believe I was put on Earth just to watch my baby grow into endless material I can use over and over again to steer the conversation back to me. I’ll never forget the moment the doctor confirmed that those next nine months would be all about me and what’s happening to my body, which I would use to cultivate a personality that included ‘mother’ and nothing else. I finally understand how my mother must have felt when she got all that attention and absolutely fucking loved it.” At press time, Dennings had commented that “it’s crazy how no one talks openly about the experience of being a mother” on 654 separate mommy blogs.

Education Report Finds American Children Severely Behind In Age #~# CHICAGO—In a statistical analysis comparing the United States to other industrialized nations, a new report released by McKinsey and Company on Monday found that American children were severely behind in age. “It appears that U.S. children and foreign children in Japan, Germany, Israel, France, China, Russia, and more than thirty other countries are comparable until adolescence, at which point American children suddenly drop off,” said Kyle Lafarciola, lead author of the report, who stated that in some extreme cases, American children as young as 5 years old were found to already be a decade behind their international peers. “There are too many American children who are 11 or 12 years old who should really be 17. It’s sad. What does that say about our priorities?” According to the report, the gap can be attributed to decades of American policy that failed to emphasize growing older.

Man Wonders If Speeding Ticket Just Karma For Going 120 MPH #~# OMAHA, NE—Pondering whether the universe, in its own subtle manner, might be trying to send him a message, a local man reportedly wondered aloud if the speeding ticket he received Monday wasn’t just karma for driving 120 miles per hour down the freeway. “Wow, I guess what goes around really does come around, huh?” said Josh Daniels, 35, who described how he had spent the morning wildly careening through residential neighborhoods in his Honda Accord before he decided to merge onto Interstate 80 and “just floor it.” “I don’t want to draw connections where there aren’t any, but when I saw those flashing lights in the rearview, it definitely gave me pause. Maybe this is simply karma’s way of tapping me on the shoulder and letting me know there are consequences for screaming ‘I will never die’ while zigzagging through traffic and flipping off multiple state troopers.” According to sources, Daniels went on to wonder whether his pending vehicular manslaughter charge wasn’t some sort of cosmic justice related to his decision to climb behind the wheel after drinking a fifth of blended scotch.

U.S. To Issue Gender-Neutral Passports Starting April #~# The State Department has announced that U.S. citizens will be able to select the gender-neutral “X” as a marker on their passport books starting April 11 in a move recognizing nonbinary and intersex Americans who are estimated to make up 1.2 million and 4 million people, respectively. What do you think?

Dozens Of Aborted Fetuses Flee Through Back Window After D.C. Police Bust Down Door #~# WASHINGTON—With bystanders reporting that multiple mangled figures were seen emerging from the house as law enforcement closed in, dozens of aborted fetuses allegedly fled through the back window of an anti-abortion activist’s house Thursday after Washington, D.C. police busted down the door. “I’m not going down for this!” one of the aborted fetuses was heard to yell moments before it leapt from the second-floor window of the home of Lauren Handy, the director of activism for Progressive Anti-Abortion Uprising. It is believed to have joined several other aborted fetuses who attempted to climb a chain-link fence at the rear of the property despite not having fully formed hands. The raid appeared to catch occupants of the home by surprise, as several of the aborted fetuses escaping the home were still reportedly covered in formaldehyde, suggesting they had been in their jars and forced to take flight in a hurry. The Metropolitan Police Department, which was following up on a noise complaint, stated that when authorities knocked down the door of the home, several aborted fetuses hid in a bedroom closet, while at least three other aborted fetuses stayed behind to hamper the officers’ pursuit by spewing amniotic fluid down the stairs. Two aborted fetuses, who sources said may have been hiding out in Handy’s home since October 2020, were apprehended while attempting to climb down from a window sill by tying their umbilical cords together. Another unidentified fetus was reportedly pronounced dead at the scene after firing at officers and declaring, “You’ll never take me alive.” While most of the occupants were tracked down within a few blocks of the activist’s home, law enforcement officials warned local residents to be on the lookout for fugitive aborted fetuses that may have used shoe polish to hide their fontanelles.

Facebook Paid GOP Strategy Firm For Anti-TikTok Campaign #~# According to reports, Meta, Facebook’s parent company, hired a Republican consulting firm called Targeted Victory to “orchestrate a nationwide campaign” to sway public opinion against TikTok, planting negative news stories and op-eds around the country. What do you think?

Russia-Ukraine War By The Numbers #~# The Russian invasion of Ukraine has been going on for over a month and continues despite peace talks. The Onion looks at the most consequential statistics that tell the story of the Russia-Ukraine War.

Masked, Visibly Erect Republicans Condemn Cawthorn’s Cocaine Orgy Claims As Patently False #~# WASHINGTON—In a strong rebuke of the congressman’s claims that government officials invited him to orgies and offered him cocaine, several masked, visibly erect Republicans condemned Rep. Madison Cawthorn (R-NC) on Friday, calling his accusations patently false. “What Madison Cawthorn said about myself and my colleagues was totally unacceptable, and I assure you that elected officials would never participate in such disgusting, illicit activities,” said House Minority Leader Kevin McCarthy (R-CA), who, after snorting a line of stimulants off a masked Republican’s bare chest, unleashed a loud scream, punched his lectern, and began passionately kissing and disrobing four of the representatives standing behind him. “I can promise you as a Republican who has proudly served in Congress for 15 years that obscene depravities of this kind simply do not take place in Washington. As for Cawthorn, well, mmm, ohhh. Oh baby. Yeah, that’s the spot. Yeah, yeah, keep going. Harder. Harder.” At press time, the masked, nude Republicans could not be reached for comment, as they had all passed out in a drug-induced postcoital slumber.

NFL Satisfies Outraged Fans With New Overtime Rule That Both Teams Win #~# NEW YORK—Responding to outcry over the ending of a 2021 playoff victory by the Kansas City Chiefs over the Buffalo Bills, the National Football League reportedly satisfied fans Friday with a new overtime rule that both teams win. “This rule change, which will be implemented next season and will apply to all playoff games, including the Super Bowl, means that no one will have to watch their team lose just because the other team played better—that simply wouldn’t be fair,” said NFL commissioner Roger Goodell, vowing that a situation where the Chiefs defeated the Bills just because the Bills defense couldn’t stop them from scoring points was an “injustice” and that it would never happen again. “We understand that fans were upset with the way our overtime rules functioned, so from now on, both teams will emerge victorious no matter what. The overtime period will last 15 minutes, or however long it takes each team to score as many points as they want to before they get sleepy and decide to go home. Fans watching a close, hard-fought game that ends tied in regulation will now be able to clap their hands in delight from the very beginning of the overtime period knowing that their team is going to win the game, along with the other team. This is the only fair way.” Goodell added that if the new rule proved successful, the league was open to eliminating losses altogether and letting every team finish the season 16-0 with 1,000 touchdowns.

Man Hates Visiting Girlfriend’s Parents’ House, Sleeping In Her Childhood Bassinet #~# WATERLOO, IA—Groaning as he struggled to get comfortable in the cramped space, local man Brad Green confirmed Friday that he hated when he and his girlfriend stayed over at her parents’ house, because they always wound up having to sleep in her childhood bassinet. “This sucks—why didn’t they upgrade to something bigger when she moved out?” said Green, who reportedly tossed and turned as he tried to arrange his limbs into a tolerable position, sighing while his girlfriend slept soundly beside him under a mobile that played Pachelbel’s Canon in D. “I’ll probably be up the whole night, but even if I do manage to drift off for a while, my neck will be sore for the next two weeks. Is it too much to ask for a place to sleep where my feet, legs, and half of my torso don’t hang off the edge? And you can forget about having sex in this thing. It makes a ton of a noise when it rocks back and forth, and someone’s always banging their head on the canopy.” At press time, Green was seen curled up on the couch in the living room of a Barbie dreamhouse.

23,000 Mail Ballots Rejected In Texas Primary #~# A new report shows that Texas threw out mail votes at an abnormally high rate during the nation’s first primary of 2022, rejecting nearly 23,000 ballots outright under tougher voting rules, with the rejection rate higher in counties that lean Democratic (15%) than Republican (9.1%). What do you think?

Scientists Speculate Universe May Be Simulation After ‘Trial Version Expired’ Appears Across Sky #~# COLLEGE PARK, MD—In what is being hailed as the first empirical evidence in support of a hypothesis that has gained popularity in recent years, top scientists speculated Friday that the universe may indeed be a simulation controlled by an unseen entity after the words “trial version expired” appeared in the sky. “When we can look overhead and see what appears to be an error message from a computer operating system, it certainly lends new credence to the argument that we’re living in an artificial reality,” said University of Maryland physicist Harold M. Cramer, adding that from what he and his colleagues could glean from the airborne phenomenon, human consciousness would be terminated in five days if no further action was taken. “Though it’s possible we are witnessing an optical illusion caused by some kind of atmospheric distortion, the request for a verification code that keeps popping up suggests that our reality may indeed have a specific, singular subscriber, and that this entity must upgrade to a premium subscription in order to avoid any interruption to our experience of consciousness. We can only hope this cosmic account holder can guide us though the two-factor authentication process so that our simulacrum of life remains operational.” At press time, a team of leading cosmologists announced it had successfully renewed the free trial period for another 14 billion years by simply signing up again with a different email address.

Every State’s Favorite Pickup Lines #~# “SOOOOO-IE!”

CEO Pay Rose 17% Last Year #~# Pay for CEOs who run the biggest U.S. companies soared 17.1% in 2021, up to a median of $14.5 million. What do you think?

Gun Laws In Every State #~# Guns may be legally wed after 16 years of ownership.

Point/Counterpoint: A Self-Driving Tesla Ran Over My Son vs. Elon Musk Is Revolutionizing The Way We Kill People #~# Earlier this year, my family suffered an unimaginable tragedy when we lost my beautiful 5-year-old son Gavin. While out on a walk, Gavin stepped into a crosswalk and was immediately struck and killed by a speeding self-driving Tesla, ending his young, precious life.

Company Touts Hire Of 3 Black Women Who Will Stand Next To CEO #~# NEW YORK—During a press conference Monday in which it touted the success of its diversity initiative, Connex Marketing Solutions introduced the three Black women it had recently hired to stand next to the company’s CEO, Carter Foss. “We are proud to have these three women join our team, flanking our CEO anytime he’s doing a presentation or posing for company publicity materials,” said human resources director Karen Cendes, adding that the new employees would all hold highly visible positions standing to the left, to the right, or directly behind Foss when needed, especially during meetings on Connex’s diversity, equity, and inclusion program. “We interviewed a lot of applicants for these positions, but these three stood out with their decades of experience being African American women and being asked to stand there quietly. Our company is proud to champion people of color, and we look forward to seeing our new Black women do this important work on the periphery of Mr. Foss.” Cendes added that going forward, any criticisms of the CEO should be redirected to the three Black women.

Customer Not Going To Complain In Case He Accidentally Did Order Sandwich With Band-Aid In It #~# EVANSTON, IL—Sliding the top bun over to examine what he just bit into, local diner Brad Steffers reportedly decided Monday he was not going to complain to his server in case he accidentally did order a sandwich with a Band-Aid in it. “I’m not a big fan of these, especially on sandwiches, but it’s very possible an adhesive bandage is a standard topping on their pulled pork,” said the first-time Smoky’s BBQ patron, plucking the sauce-soaked woven rayon Band-Aid from his sandwich and admitting that he didn’t read the menu very closely or check what ingredients came with his selection. “I don’t want to say anything and risk getting the server in trouble for something that could have been my mistake. I didn’t bother asking them to hold any soggy first-aid supplies, and that’s on me. Next time I’ll probably substitute pickles, but who knows? Maybe it’s better this way.” At press time, Steffers was seen amicably paying the bill without argument after noticing he’d been charged an extra dollar for the addition of the Band-Aid.

Eric Adams Announces $4 Billion Budget Increase For NYPD To Fight Ghosts #~# NEW YORK—In a press conference calling for an end to the persistent scourge on local residents, New York Mayor Eric Adams announced Tuesday a $4 billion budget increase to help the city’s police department fight ghosts. “For too long, these phantoms and wayward spirits have terrorized our citizens and afflicted this great city’s streets with spooky mayhem,” said Adams, decrying the previous administration for being too beholden to supernatural special interests to equip the police with the tools necessary to stand up to the mischievous and macabre. “Any New York City resident who has a tip about a malicious poltergeist, be it a spectral longshoreman or a demonic killer in Hell’s Kitchen, can now call our tip line and rest assured that NYPD will arrive promptly and with the instruments needed for a full-scale exorcism. And frankly, it’s about time: Our subways are covered with ectoplasm. Central Park is filled with ghastly coachmen led by cadaverous horses. It’s time for New York to stand up and say to these ghouls: We will not be spooked!” Adams then became emotional as he noted that growing up in Brooklyn and Queens, he had seen far too many of his childhood friends possessed by wraiths and driven into a life of bone-chilling hauntings.

Man Wastes Another Gorgeous Day Being Dead #~# CHICAGO—Despite it being absolutely perfect sunny, 80-degree weather, sources confirmed Tuesday that local man Jared Thune wasted yet another gorgeous day being dead. “Come on, man, it feels amazing outside, don’t you think it’s stupid to spend all your time underground in that cramped, dark coffin?” said friend Roy Yoo, adding that it was absurd that Thune insisted on holing up in a small wooden box when the rest of the world was out there enjoying the first real taste of summer. “Seriously, I don’t get it. The sun is shining! The birds are chirping! But I guess he’d rather just be down there, wasting away in the darkness, all by himself. God, ever since he was the victim of a homicide a few years ago, he’s been such a hermit. Whatever.” At press time, terrified sources told reporters that a decomposed Thune was begrudgingly bursting out of his grave, dragging himself to a nearby park, and immediately feasting on a child.