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Enron Reopens #~# HOUSTON—Touting the energy company’s reemergence as the right business decision at the right time, Enron announced Tuesday that it was reopening. “We’re excited to be back and we’re looking toward the future,” said Jeffrey Skilling, who will be reassuming his role as CEO to oversee a vast portfolio already spanning thousands of assets across 19 countries. “Enron has seen enormous excitement on Wall Street. We’re striking while the iron is hot, as there’s an obvious market opportunity for Enron to reestablish itself as one of the leading energy commodities traders in the world. We’ve had several successful funding rounds totaling over $26 billion, which include all the major banks, previous Enron investors like Janus Capital and Alliance Capital, and first-time Enron investors like Andreesen Horowitz and Polaris Partners. Those investors will have seats on our board of directors, alongside longtime Enron board members Norman Blake, Ronnie Chan, and John Wakeham. We’ve already hired 13,000 employee stakeholders worldwide, many of whom will report to our temporary headquarters in Houston until construction is completed on the Kenneth Lay Memorial Complex in 2025. There’s a whole lot we’re looking forward to doing in the energy-trading space, not to mention fracking, mining, and water futures, and we’re hitting the ground running. We feel confident that 2022 is going to be Enron’s year.” Skilling reportedly also assured any skeptics of Enron’s reopening that the company would take all available steps to prevent any financial improprieties by working with the newly reopened prestigious audit and accounting firm Arthur Andersen. |
Dr. Oz Sells Garcinia Cambogia Supplement Guaranteed To Lower Taxes #~# HARRISBURG, PA—Touting the pill as a “miracle drug” at rallies and in his campaign literature, U.S. Senate candidate Dr. Mehmet Oz reportedly began selling garcinia cambogia pills Monday that he said were guaranteed to lower taxes. “Folks, dropping those unwanted, stubbornly high tax rates is easier than ever with a supplement that experts are calling ‘the most exciting breakthrough in tax reform available today,’” the celebrity heart surgeon and office-seeker said during a campaign rally, offering Pennsylvania voters a discount on the “revolutionary tax buster” if they went to his campaign site in the next hour and entered the code “OZ2022” at checkout. “How does it work? Easy, the hydroxycitric acid extracted from this tropical fruit helps curb federal income taxes before their enacted, while simultaneously allowing you to double—even triple—your deductions. What’s more, garcinia cambogia actively boosts your refunds as you go about your day. If you started taking these 1,400 milligram capsules right now, you could be in a completely different tax bracket by the end of next week! Who wants a demonstration?” Later in the rally, Oz introduced a supporter who gave a testimonial about how daily doses of colloidal silver had helped her eliminate “critical race theory” from her child’s school. |
Celebrities Explain How They Are Supporting Abortion Rights #~# After a leaked Supreme Court decision indicated Roe vs. Wade would be overturned, many were shocked and appalled. The Onion asked celebrities how they are supporting legal access to abortion, and this is what they said. |
Scientists Discover Ancient Forest Inside Giant Sinkhole In China #~# Scientists in China have discovered a well-preserved ancient forest at the bottom of a giant sinkhole 630 feet deep with trees more than 100 feet tall that they believe could be home to numerous undiscovered species. What do you think? |
U.S. Navy Issues Thanks To Oceans For Their Assistance Winning WW2 #~# NORFOLK, VA—In a star-spangled ceremony honoring the many contributions of the bodies of water to the Allied cause, the U.S. Navy issued formal thanks Monday to the oceans for their decisive assistance in winning World War II. “Without the tide that carried us into battle or the ocean depths to hide our submarines from German U-boats, we simply would not be standing here today,” said Adm. Christopher Grady, vice chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff, his voice rising as he tossed several handfuls of medals into the Chesapeake Bay for distribution to the world’s oceans. “It was a thankless job providing the buoyancy that brought our boys to the beaches of Normandy or Iwo Jima, but the oceans never complained. In fact, in their darkest hours, our troops could often look down from their ships and smile at the Pacific Ocean’s uplifting surf. Sadly, many of the waves that crashed on German shores never made it back out to sea. For that, we give our appreciation to the oceans and salute their watery valor.” At press time, Grady had cued up the U.S. Navy Band to play “Anchors Aweigh” as sailors pushed a monument dedicated to the oceans out to sea. |
Nation’s Short Bald Guys Announce Plans To Become Unnervingly Ripped #~# WASHINGTON—Furiously lifting weights and flexing their muscles while wearing tight, formfitting shirts, the nation’s short bald guys announced plans Monday to become unnervingly ripped. “Today, we, the short men of America with perfectly shaved heads, pledge to build an obscene amount of muscle that will look insane given our below-average stature,” said short bald man James Sharpe, adding that he and hundreds of thousands of other men just like him would not rest until their biceps, pecs, and calves were extremely veiny and bulged out of nearly any outfit they wore. “America, you’ve been warned! We may be under 5'6" and have no hair on our heads, but that will not stop us from taking a cocktail of dangerous testosterone supplements, shaving off all our body hair, and working out until we can no longer put our arms down all the way. Also, we will continue to wear oversized sunglasses, clip our cell phones to our belts, and date exceedingly tall women whom we will encourage to wear stiletto heels.” At press time, the nation’s short bald men could not be reached for comment, as they were reportedly shoving their fingers into each other’s chests and repeatedly yelling, “What’s your problem, bro? |
Senate Republicans Block Domestic Terrorism Prevention Bill #~# Senate Republicans have blocked a bill designed to combat domestic terrorism by setting up offices to track domestic terrorist activity and identify risks in order to prevent more incidents like the racially motivated mass shooting in Buffalo. What do you think? |
Biggest Revelations From The Johnny Depp–Amber Heard Trial #~# After six weeks of constant analysis and content, the verdict is in: We are as a people simply too impatient, stupid, and psychologically stunted to be discussing this trial at all. |
Vatican Scientists Successfully Transplant Pig Soul Into Human #~# VATICAN CITY—In what theologians are describing as a giant step forward in divine surgery, a team of Vatican scientists successfully transplanted a pig soul into a human for the first time in church history, sources within the Holy See reported Friday. “We were in prayer for more than eight hours, but we’re pleased to announce that after a few extra Hail Marys to make sure it took, we were able to get a human body to accept a pig’s soul,” said chief surgeon Father Lorenzo Piccoli, explaining that the new development had potentially massive implications for people who were born with congenital soul defects and needed a replacement. “It’s a delicate procedure. There’s always the possibility that a demon soul could enter, and then suddenly you’re in the operating chapel having to perform an emergency exorcism. But we’re pleased to report we can now give people a second chance at spiritual life, this time as a pig. Our patient has made a full recovery and is at the moment oinking happily and eating acorns.” The scientists went on to clarify that in keeping with the Catholic teaching that animals cannot enter into the kingdom of heaven, the recipient of the transplant would be damned for all eternity. |
Desperate Judge Makes Lethal-Injection Drugs In Courthouse Toilet #~# NASHVILLE, TN—Determined not to let a lack of available substances prevent him from executing an inmate on death row, desperate Tennessee judge Gary Hargreave was reportedly making lethal-injection drugs in a courthouse toilet Friday. “It’s not ideal, but we’re going to execute that guy one way or another,” said Hargreave, who was seen in a men’s room stall mixing together items swiped from courthouse vending machines and a nearby convenience store in an effort to devise a combination of ingredients that could prove fatal to the prisoner whose execution had been delayed. “You’ve got to give it time to ferment; otherwise, it’s not going to be strong enough to kill the guy. I don’t want to make something that’s going to put him in a coma. Ideally, it will be strong enough to stop his heart several times over. The governor’s making some in his toilet, too, so we’re probably going to administer both to the prisoner and see which one works. I just hope it’ll become strong enough before someone catches me.” At press time, the shaking, sweat-drenched judge was overheard telling a courthouse security guard that he could pay good money if the man was able to smuggle him in some sodium thiopental to satisfy his fix. |
The Pros And Cons Of Letting Children Die #~# America is currently wrestling with the difficult and controversial question of whether it’s worth it to make an effort to keep children alive, not to mention safe, educated, or healthy. The Onion looks at the pros and cons of just letting children die. |
Wayne LaPierre States Mass Shootings Can Be Perfectly Safe When Carried Out By A Trained, Responsible Gun Owner #~# HOUSTON—Addressing the massacre that occurred at an elementary school in the state only three days earlier, National Rifle Association CEO Wayne LaPierre told attendees at the organization’s annual meeting Friday that mass shootings could be perfectly safe when carried out by a trained, responsible gun owner. “By following a few basic gun safety rules, there’s no reason a mass shooting should hurt anyone,” said LaPierre, who lamented that the recent string of shootings in Uvalde, TX; Buffalo, NY; and Laguna Woods, CA, among countless others, could have been a stress-free experience for everyone if the gunmen had only enrolled in the right training course. “It’s all about knowing how to properly handle your firearm. That’s why the NRA offers a variety of courses to teach prospective mass shooters the best practices. Gunning down dozens of people can be completely harmless and free of danger, but you’ll never see the left-leaning media covering the safe shootings, will you?” At press time, LaPierre had offered to demonstrate. |
NRA Convention Applauds As Gunman Massacres Entire Crowd #~# HOUSTON—Shouting with glee and jostling each other to get a better spot, the audience at the National Rifle Association’s annual meeting reportedly burst into applause Friday as a gunman massacred the entire crowd. “Woo! Shoot us all!” multiple spectators were heard to yell as the armed assailant, believed to be carrying an AR-15 as well as several handguns, fired bullet after bullet into an audience that had leapt to its feet upon his entrance and cheered when he shot Sen. Ted Cruz (R-TX) in the head. “I’m calling my family—I never thought I’d see one of these in person! Oh my God, this is so cool!” At press time, sources confirmed the applause was slowly dying out as fewer and fewer members of the audience were left alive. |
Woman Suspects Hidden Camera In Public Restroom After Noticing Boom Mic Operator In Corner #~# PROVO, UT—Sensing something “wasn’t quite right” about the public restroom, local woman Selena Kimball was reportedly suspicious there was a hidden camera present Thursday after noticing a boom mic operator in the corner. “I’m not a paranoid person, but every hair on my body stood up as soon as I heard someone yell ‘action,’” said Kimball, who turned in a slow circle as she carefully surveyed the restroom, looking from the lighting rig on the ceiling to the director’s chair set up in a stall. “I can’t explain it; it just feels like I’m being watched and recorded in crisp, professional-grade audio and visual. Maybe I’m crazy, but there are a lot of creeps out there.” At press time, sources confirmed Kimball had decided it was probably nothing when a makeup artist rushed forward for a quick touch-up with a brush. |
Tennessee To Make Public Camping For Homeless A Felony #~# A Tennessee law going into effect July 1 will make camping on local public property a felony, threatening the homeless people who camp in parks with a punishment of up to six years in prison and the loss of voting rights. What do you think? |
Entire U.S. Police Force Flees Country After Hearing Gunman Inside Nation #~# UNITED STATES—Throwing their arms up into the air and screaming while frantically sprinting toward every single American border, the entire U.S. police force reportedly fled the country Thursday after hearing that there was a gunman somewhere inside the nation. “Oh my God, run, run for your lives, someone in the United States has a gun,” said Phoenix Police Sgt. Aaron Philbank, appearing panicked as he urged more than 900,000 sworn law enforcement officers in all 50 states to drop whatever they were doing and escape via foot, car, plane, or boat into either Canada, Mexico, or the Pacific or Atlantic Ocean. “Jesus Christ. This guy could potentially be violent and, at this point, might be anywhere from California to New York. All I know is that I’m getting the hell out of here, and these fuckers are on their own. I didn’t sign up for this shit.” At press time, Philbank could not be reached for comment, as the nation’s police force was busy barricading every U.S. border crossing and threatening to tase anyone who tried to stop the gunman. |
Tearful Uvalde Residents Thank Police For Protecting Parking Lot From Gunman #~# UVALDE, TX—In an expression of gratitude for keeping the community’s beloved stretch of asphalt safe, tearful Uvalde residents thanked law enforcement Thursday for protecting Robb Elementary School’s parking lot from a gunman. “To the brave officers who heroically stood outside the school to defend this pavement against attack, we offer our undying thanks,” said Uvalde native Jim Clabor, his eyes welling up with emotion as he recalled the innocent Toyotas and Fords whose bodies might have been struck by gunfire if not for the courageous actions of police. “The only reason this beautiful blacktop surface emerged intact from the shooter’s rampage is because these officers rose to the occasion and refused to let anything happen to our precious parking lot. We are blessed that every 9-foot-wide space survived Tuesday’s massacre, allowing future generations to park their cars here without fear.” At press time, Texas schools were reportedly increasing the security presence in their parking lots, staffing them with officers sworn to take a bullet for the pavement if necessary. |
Hyundai Recalls 239,000 Cars For Exploding Seat Belt Parts #~# Hyundai is recalling 239,000 cars in the U.S., saying the seat belt pretensioners can explode upon deployment and send shrapnel throughout the vehicle, injuring vehicle occupants. What do you think? |
Things People Hate The Most About Public Transportation #~# It’s disgusting to imagine, but Americans take around 10 billion trips on public transit each year. Here are the things that people hate most about public transportation. |
Must-Read Reflections On The Reproductive Rights Battle #~# With more states passing laws that limit or outlaw abortion, a leaked Supreme Court document proposing to overturn Roe v. Wade has prompted a firestorm of debate and controversy. The Onion sifts through the many reflections published by lesser news organizations to find the smartest and most worthwhile takes on the battle for reproductive rights in America. |
Bad Time For Greg Abbott To Reveal New Machine Gun Legs #~# AUSTIN, TX—Acknowledging the realities of public opinion following another mass shooting in his state, Texas governor Greg Abbott admitted Thursday that it was probably not a good time to reveal his new machine gun legs, according to sources in his office. “Goddamn it, of all the weeks for this to happen,” said Abbott, a paraplegic, who shouted to be heard over the loud blasts filling the room and then sat back down in his wheelchair, pulling a blanket up over the brand-new pair of fully functional M242 Bushmaster chain guns he had had surgically transplanted to replace his legs. “Obviously, the optics aren’t great right now, but I worked into the wee hours Tuesday morning to get these bad boys all cleaned and polished for their big debut. Talk about terrible timing! Now I have to wait until this damn grade-school shooting passes through the news cycle. Well, I’ll give it another couple days. I suppose it’s okay, as long as I can still show off the awesome firepower in this beautiful pair of cannons at the NRA convention in Houston this weekend.” At press time, Abbot had reportedly emptied several dozen 25-mm armor-piercing tracer rounds into an unsuspecting aide while attempting to cross his legs. |
Sacrificial Altar Comfier Than Expected #~# GOLDENDALE, WA—Taking a deep breath, exhaling, and releasing all the tension of a stressful day from his body, chosen offering to the gods Dale Balko told reporters Tuesday that the sacrificial altar upon which he lay was comfier than expected. “The altar actually feels great on my back, and with those torches they lit all around me, it’s really warm and cozy up here, too,” said Balko, remarking that the flowers, candelabras, and incense were a nice surprise that created a pleasant ambience while the priest sharpened his knife for the ritual. “I feel pampered, to be honest. The consecrated wine was delicious, and the chanting from the followers circling the altar is very soothing. Not even the blood, bones, and uneaten bits of flesh from the previous sacrifice detract from the atmosphere that much. I’m so relaxed I might just drift off to sleep!” Balko added that the priest about to cut out his still-beating heart was quite charming, and he would gladly recommend the ceremony to friends if he weren’t going to be dead soon. |
Mitch McConnell: ‘Get Your Crying Done Now Because We’re Not Passing Shit’ #~# WASHINGTON—In a press conference addressing the community of Uvalde, TX, Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell reportedly urged those affected Thursday to get their crying done now because he wouldn’t be passing shit. “Go ahead and shed some tears, trot out the families of the victims, do whatever the fuck you’re going to do, and then we’re going to go back to pretending none of this happened,” said McConnell, urging the nation to go online and post whatever little impassioned rants or photographs of the bereaved they had, since he and his fellow lawmakers had decided their response to all of this would continue to be absolutely fucking nothing. “And yes, we know the parents of the victims will be burying 19 young children in the coming few weeks. Seriously, none of it matters to us. I don’t know how to make it any clearer. We simply couldn’t care less.” At press time, McConnell had returned to the podium to add that his thoughts and prayers were, of course, with the community and the grieving families. |
U.S. Birth Rate Rises For First Time Since 2014 #~# A CDC report found that births in the United States rose for the first time in seven years, with experts suggesting that postponed pregnancies due to the pandemic or changes in access to contraceptives could have influenced 2021 birth rates. What do you think? |
Walmart Pulls ‘Juneteenth’ Ice Cream After Backlash #~# Walmart has pulled its ice cream introduced to celebrate Juneteenth after critics decried the move as in poor taste and insensitive. What do you think? |
Report: Uvalde Gunman Had Accomplices As Far As Washington, D.C. #~# UVALDE, TX—Uncovering shocking new details about the Robb Elementary School shooting, FBI agents told reporters Wednesday that alleged gunman Salvador Ramos had accomplices as far away as Washington, D.C. “We have reason to believe this wasn’t a ‘lone wolf’ incident, but rather a coordinated attack carried out with the assistance of 535 individuals in the D.C. metropolitan area,” said agency spokesperson Adriana Yaroma, who noted that the case was now being investigated as a federal crime, as the co-conspirators had crossed the borders of every U.S. state. “This was a highly sophisticated operation backed by millions of dollars, and it appears to have been in the works for decades. We have evidence these men and women provided the shooter with cover as well as access to the very guns used to perpetrate the murders. If it weren’t for the cooperation of these incredibly sick individuals, the 21 victims would still be with us today.” At press time, the accomplices had reportedly fled the country before they could be brought in for questioning. |
IRS Splinter Group Demands Taxpayers Recognize August 15 As The True Tax Day #~# WASHINGTON—Decrying the traditional filing season as “an irredeemable heresy,” an Internal Revenue Service splinter group demanded Wednesday that taxpayers recognize Aug. 15 as the one true tax day. “Any righteous interpretation of the 16th Amendment and the original Revenue Act of 1913 makes clear that Apr. 15 is not the sanctified deadline for payment of income tax,” read an excerpt from a manifesto by the IRS Fundamentalists, a radicalized group that seeks to restore what it views as the purity of the U.S. tax code and has threatened to carry out vigilante audits of anyone who does not file on Aug. 15 of this year. “You have been led astray by the false shepherds of TaxAct and H&R Block, who seek to deceive and destroy you. Only by postmarking your federal return by Aug. 15 and enclosing a check for the amount due (if any) can you fulfill your sacred obligation as a U.S. taxpayer.” At press time, the FBI had reportedly raided an IRS Fundamentalist compound at which members were allegedly rigging blue mail collection boxes to explode if anyone attempted to mail in their taxes on Apr. 15. |
HR Department Rings Gong Every Time They Successfully Cover Up Sexual Harassment #~# SAN FRANCISCO—In an effort to boost morale by celebrating their accomplishments, the human resources department at a local tech start-up reportedly decided Wednesday to ring a gong every time they successfully covered up sexual harassment. “It’s just a fun way to acknowledge the hard work we do here and to inspire one another with our successes,” said HR head Dominic Feinbender, who clapped and cheered as a handful of his team members joyously lined up to bang the gong, denoting several instances of predatory, toxic, and outright illegal behavior being successfully swept under the rug since the start of business that day. “Everyone, let’s congratulate our colleagues on another great day allowing sexual misconduct to run rampant at our company under the guise of care. Really great work, seeing as more than half of the upper management team is going to be walking away from this email fiasco scot-free. And Kayley—where’s Kayley?—how you managed to scrub the internet of that leaked groping complaint, I’ll never know! This is how you do it, people—well done, all around.” At press time, the company’s CEO had reportedly awarded an $8,000 bonus to the HR team for exceptional work in making even the most well-founded allegations vanish without a trace. |
‘No Way To Prevent This,’ Says Only Nation Where This Regularly Happens #~# UVALDE, TX—In the hours following a violent rampage in Texas in which a lone attacker killed at least 21 individuals and injured several others, citizens living in the only country where this kind of mass killing routinely occurs reportedly concluded Tuesday that there was no way to prevent the massacre from taking place. “This was a terrible tragedy, but sometimes these things just happen and there’s nothing anyone can do to stop them,” said Idaho resident Kathy Miller, echoing sentiments expressed by tens of millions of individuals who reside in a nation where over half of the world’s deadliest mass shootings have occurred in the past 50 years and whose citizens are 20 times more likely to die of gun violence than those of other developed nations. “It’s a shame, but what can we do? There really wasn’t anything that was going to keep this individual from snapping and killing a lot of people if that’s what they really wanted.” At press time, residents of the only economically advanced nation in the world where roughly two mass shootings have occurred every month for the past eight years were referring to themselves and their situation as “helpless.” |
Biggest Misconceptions Men Have About Sexual Reproduction #~# As the abortion debate intensifies, it’s become abundantly clear that most men don’t know the first thing about sexual reproduction. Here are the biggest misconceptions guys need to correct ASAP. |
Tips For Officiating A Wedding #~# More couples are opting to have a friend or family member officiate a wedding rather than a member of the clergy, but that can put pressure on the officiant to make sure the ceremony goes smoothly. The Onion offers helpful tips for officiating a wedding. |
New York Mobbed By Thousands Of Drunken Characters During Disney Cruise Line's Fleet Week #~# NEW YORK—In an annual event that many New Yorkers look to with dread and annoyance, the city’s most popular tourist areas were reportedly mobbed this week by thousands of extremely drunken characters who were celebrating Disney Cruise Line’s Fleet Week—a seven-day shore leave in which the characters depart their ships and let loose in the Big Apple. “It’s always total chaos—earlier today, I saw two Goofys spill out of a bar on Sullivan street in the middle of a fist fight, and just a few blocks down, Donald Duck was pissing right into the gutter,” said West Village resident Thomas Edelman, echoing other New Yorkers who reported seeing large groups of characters including Balloo the bear and Princess Jasmine loudly singing “When You Wish Upon A Star” at all hours of the night, wandering into the street, and getting clipped by taxicabs, as well as several eyewitness reports of Chip the teapot from Beauty And The Beast throwing a trash can through a window at Balthazar after being denied entry. “At about 4 o’clock this morning, I woke up to Pumbaa from The Lion King giving some NYU kid a hand job in the alleyway underneath my apartment window. Disgusting.” An NYPD spokesperson confirmed that hundreds of officers are working overtime in an effort to avoid tragedies such as what occurred in 2013, when four of the Seven Dwarves and Cinderella were found floating facedown in the East River. |
‘Bon Appétit’ Test Kitchen Apologizes For Gruesome Experiments On Beans #~# NEW YORK—In response to widespread condemnation over several recent leaks, the Bon Appétit Test Kitchen reportedly issued an apology Tuesday for the organization’s gruesome experiments on beans. “We make no excuses for the horrific treatment our chefs inflicted on hundreds of thousands of cannellini beans, kidney beans, and navy beans, and although we know we have a long road ahead of us, we pledge to make things right,” read a statement issued by the Bon Appétit Test Kitchen after evidence showed that the kitchen had spent the past few years carrying out a series of grisly culinary experiments on innocent beans, including mass rotting, non-consensual removal of their radicles, and forced caramelization. “While we cannot rationalize what we did, we want to stress that we went into the kitchen believing that what we did there had important ramifications for gastronomical research, but over time our efforts drifted into invasive tests that are absolutely incompatible with Bon Appétit’s values. We want to apologize to the legume community—no spicy bean dip or three-bean salad is worth what we did to those poor beans. Over time, it became more about power and control than anything else, and we truly lost our way.” At press time, many Bon Appétit critics had responded that their apology was insufficient, and that they needed to do more to help the garbanzos reportedly subjected to invasive psychological experiments that had caused hundreds of beans to go insane. |
Retired Couple To Live Permanently On Cruise Ships, Saying It’s Cheaper Than Mortgage #~# A retired Seattle couple sold their home to live permanently on cruise ships, saying that the $89 per day they spend on room, food, and entertainment works out to be much cheaper than paying off a mortgage in Seattle. What do you think? |
Religion Rocked By Another Molestation Whatever #~# WASHINGTON—With the disclosure of widespread abuse threatening to undermine communities of faith across the nation, sources confirmed Tuesday that religion had once again been rocked by something or other having to do with molestation. “Thousands of American churches are reeling in the wake of a bunch more sexual assault stuff,” said national religion reporter Alfred Somu, adding that a lot of these molesting things involved children, and that U.S. congregations had not been this rattled since the last time they were told about all the molesting their pastors had done. “Hearing about this systematic predatory whatever can test the faith of churchgoers, having broad implications for blah blah blah you’re not listening, no one is paying attention, no one ever does, only a fraction of these people are ever held accountable, and worship services will continue on Sunday as usual, with the culture of whichever denomination it was this time remaining largely unchanged.” At press time, reports confirmed most church congregants had already totally forgotten about that kid-raping business. |
GOP Senator Says Maternal Death Rate Isn’t As Bad If You Don’t Count Black Women #~# Louisiana Sen. Bill Cassidy is under fire after arguing that the state’s poor maternal mortality rate is only an “outlier” because of the high proportion of Black women, who are four times more likely to die during pregnancy than white women, and that the rate would be more standand if the numbers were corrected for race. What do you think? |
Surprised Brian Kemp Assumed Pence Died On Jan. 6 #~# KENNESAW, GA—Shocked to hear the former vice president had appeared at a recent rally for his campaign, Georgia governor Brian Kemp told reporters Tuesday that he thought Mike Pence had died on Jan. 6. “Wait, I thought that guy was shot or trampled to death or something at the Capitol—are you sure it’s the same Mike Pence?” said a stunned Kemp, who noted that while he was happy to have Pence’s endorsement, he could have sworn he had seen a widely circulated video of the man being beaten to death with a baseball bat. “But isn’t he the one everyone’s been calling ‘the slain vice president’? I’m sorry, this just doesn’t add up. He was definitely, at the very least, in a coma for several months. I need to check Snopes. Did his taxidermied corpse endorse me? Or did the endorsement come from beyond the grave?” At press time, Kemp reportedly shrieked after seeing a picture from the rally of Pence standing beside him. |
Things To Never Say To Someone Who Can’t Breastfeed #~# Being unable to lactate does make you a bad mother, but you’re not supposed to admit that. Never say the following things to someone who can’t breastfeed. |
Police Report Bystander Killed By Officer Had Long History Of Bystanding #~# ST. LOUIS—Saying the incident fit a larger pattern in which the victim was often present but not an active participant in a situation, the Metropolitan Police Department reported Tuesday that local bystander David Clacker, who was killed by an officer, had a long history of bystanding. “After a thorough investigation, we have confirmed that the individual who was fatally struck by a stray bullet last night was a repeat bystander, someone also known to have been a frequent passerby,” said police spokesperson Sgt. Blake Ludlow, stressing that the death, while tragic, could not be separated from Clacker’s extensive record not only of bystanding, but of onlooking. “Simply put, had the deceased chosen not to bystand, he never would have found himself in the way when our officer’s gun discharged. But unfortunately, he bystood time and time again. It should go without saying that any civilian who puts themselves within range of an officer’s service weapon does so at their own risk.” Clacker’s death comes on the heels of an internal study in which the department concluded the only way to avoid such killings was to eliminate all bystanders from streets, parks, public venues, retail establishment, and private residences. |
Meta Bans Employees From Talking About Abortion #~# Meta has reportedly told employees that they cannot talk about abortion on Workplace, its internal version of Facebook, because it could create a “hostile work environment,” leaving people “feeling like they’re being targeted based on their gender or religion.” What do you think? |
Nation’s Male Bus Strangers Announce Plans To Show Each Other Pictures Of Swimsuit Models On Their Phones #~# CHICAGO—Pledging to loudly discuss the desirability of women’s breasts no matter the personal cost, the nation’s male bus strangers announced plans Tuesday to show each other pictures of swimsuit models on their phones. “We will reach over several visibly uncomfortable passengers to show each other photos on our phones of a woman in a metallic bikini, and hold it there while the other guys take a photo of that photo,” said 52-year-old Bryan Duffy, the self-appointed leader of the coalition of men who had been riding the bus for so long that it had become unclear whether they were bound for somewhere or just riding, and none of whom had a device newer than an iPhone 6. “We will use our beefy fingers to zoom in on asses and repeat, ‘You got to get a look a this,’ as we pass our phones across the aisle. We will not ask each other any questions about each other. I don’t know them, they don’t know me, and nobody on this bus could even start to guess how this conversation got started. We stand before you today to—oh, damn, check out the rack on that one. What’s her name? Do you know her?” At press time, Duffy had launched into a tangent about how he had once been with a chick that looked just like the girl in the picture. |
Report: Dad Won’t Admit He Feels Cute In New Hat #~# WILMINGTON, NC—With the accessory reportedly giving him a newfound “pep in his step” that he could not manage to conceal, family sources stated Tuesday that local dad Kevin Eicher wouldn’t admit that he felt cute in his new hat. “He clearly likes how he looks in it, because he hasn’t wiped that grin off his face since he put it on,” said Eicher’s daughter, Kelly, who added that the 53-year-old man was too shy to acknowledge how attractive his headwear made him feel, but that it showed every time he adjusted the brim of the khaki bucket hat in a mirror and gave himself a slight nod of approval. “He brushes off any compliment he gets about it, but you can tell he loves the hat. He hasn’t taken it off since buying it, not even when we sat down for dinner.” At press time, sources reported that Eicher was seen shopping in an outlet store for a new quarter-zip fleece pullover to match his hat. |
Affection For Restaurant Dialed Back Upon Realization It A Chain #~# ST. CLOUD, MN—Seeking to distance himself from his previous words of praise for the establishment, local man Dylan Wortman immediately dialed back his affection for a restaurant Tuesday upon learning it was part of a chain. “Oh, what I meant was, it’s pretty good for what it is, and it’s not a bad option if everything else downtown is booked,” said Wortman, who hastily revised his position that Tucker’s Bar and Grill was “a real gem” and “a must” for visitors after learning the restaurant had several other locations throughout the region. “I was just saying they have some good happy hour deals. There are definitely better places to go if you want something unique. To be honest, I really only go to Tucker’s when my parents are visiting, because they like that sort of thing.” At press time, Wortman was reportedly still backpedaling, remarking upon how Tucker’s had been far better before it became chain, back when it was still an out-of-the-way place beloved by locals. |
First Cases Of Monkeypox Confirmed In U.S. #~# U.S. Officials have confirmed the country’s first two cases of monkeypox, a rare but potentially serious illness causing flu-like symptoms and rashes that lead to painful pustules on the body, recent outbreaks of which have already been reported in 12 countries. What do you think? |
Politician Still Gets Little Rush Every Time He Pretends To Be Like Poor Person #~# WASHINGTON—Quivering with excitement at the mere thought of acting as though he lived paycheck to paycheck, local politician Aaron Hastings told reporters Monday that he still got a rush every time he pretended to be like a poor person. “Even after all these years of running for office, nothing gets my juices going faster than waltzing around like I’m some nobody loser making minimum wage,” said Hastings, adding that the second he stepped into an impoverished neighborhood, his eyes dilated, his heart pounded, and a shiver immediately went up and down his spine. “Oh yeah. Eating shit food in a disgusting, run-down diner? Talking about ‘our community’ with some old guys at a barber shop? Saying how hard I worked to overcome obstacles and pull myself up by my bootstraps? And then hopping in my private jet and going home to my mansion? That’s the stuff. That’s the stuff.” At press time, Hastings told reporters he would have to excuse himself, because he had ejaculated after pretending to be poor by taking public transit for a mere 30 seconds. |
Things New Yorkers Hate Most About L.A. #~# Let’s face it, you’re not a real New Yorker unless you hate the following things about Los Angeles. |
New Diversity Initiative Encourages Employees To Lie About Their Race #~# SAN FRANCISCO—Acknowledging the company’s overwhelmingly white culture presented “a continuing challenge,” cloud solutions provider Ultraa announced a new diversity initiative Monday that encouraged employees to lie about their race. “Here at Ultraa, we are very serious about our vision of an open and inclusive workspace, which is why we are asking all our employees to help us by misreporting their race or ethnicity on a new company-wide survey,” said human resources director Thea Ray, adding that employees would first be able to attend training sessions that would teach them how to claim they were Black, Latino, Asian, Native American, or any other minority background of their choice. “While the bulk of our company is currently Caucasian, we know that with your help, Ultraa’s managers, executives, and even our CEO could one day show up on industry surveys as diverse. You can say you’re anything! Just please, don’t say you’re white.” Reached for comment, top Ultraa executives Declan O’Flaherty, Clive Parker-Wedgwood, Helmut von Allendorf, and Torbjørn Løfsgaard confirmed their backgrounds were 100% Pacific Islander. |
Report: More Than 3,000 Potentially Harmful Chemicals Found In Food Packaging #~# Scientists have identified more than 3,000 potentially harmful chemicals that can be found in food packaging, tableware, and reusable food containers, two thirds of which were not previously known to be in contact with food. What do you think? |
Man Scared Of Committing To AirPods Just Because He Afraid To Someday Lose Them #~# CHICAGO—Reflecting on anxieties he said were rooted in attachment issues from his childhood, a local man told reporters Monday that he realized his fear of committing to AirPods stemmed from nothing more than his fear of one day losing them. “I think I’m so wrapped up in trying to avoid the pain of loss that I’m not allowing myself to experience the joy of having AirPods,” said Justin Anderson, 26, explaining that a recent therapy session had helped him gain perspective on what was truly holding him back from paying a couple hundred dollars for the Apple product. “I get that it’s completely normal to eventually lose them. It’s something everyone goes through. Still, it’s hard to leave yourself open to the hurt you know you’ll feel if suddenly they’re just gone. I want to have wireless Bluetooth earphones in my life, but I don’t know if I’m ready, on an emotional level, for all the things that can go wrong with them.” At press time, Anderson acknowledged that if he truly loved the AirPods, it would be okay to someday let them go. |
Urban Overplanner Issues Minute-By-Minute Daily Schedule For Each Of City’s Residents #~# SEATTLE—Rigorously highlighting various times, locations, and transit routes on a large stack of itineraries, urban overplanner Gary Wilkins told reporters he had issued minute-by-minute daily schedules Monday for each of Seattle’s residents. “Alright Seattle, pay attention, because I’ve spent the past few months assigning all 3.5 million of you to various morning, afternoon, and night activities,” said Wilkins, who added that per his agenda, the entire population would have to wake up at 7 a.m., eat a big breakfast, and then get out into the city and enjoy their day until approximately 10 p.m., at which point it was lights out. “You’ll notice that tomorrow’s 15-hour block is split into various categories, including walking, biking, driving, resting, relaxing, learning, and eating. Please, respect the schedule, including your specified bathroom breaks, because assigning each of you to Seattle’s 78 neighborhoods, 237 bus routes, and 2,300 restaurants was not easy. Now come on! Who wants to have fun?” At press time, Wilkins could be seen screaming at 1.5 million Seattle residents who threw out their itineraries and just went to bars to get drunk. |
Pregnant Woman Playing Lots Of Mozart In Hope Of Making Husband Smarter #~# BROOMFIELD, CO—Noting it was a critical time for development, local woman Hailey Dobson told reporters Monday she was playing lots of Mozart during her pregnancy in the hope of making her husband smarter. “I know the science is iffy, but I want to make sure I’m doing everything I possibly can,” said Dobson, who held a pair of headphones to her spouse’s ears as she monitored him for any sign he felt or heard the music. “Hmm, I can’t tell if he’s reacting to it. Even gaining a few IQ points would be major. Of course, that’s not hugely important, since I’ll love him no matter how he turns out. Still, though, wouldn’t it be exciting if he became a doctor or a lawyer one day?” At press time, Dobson was seen wiping tears from her eyes in response to her husband twitching during Piano Concerto No. 9. |
U.S. Soccer And Players Agree To Equal Pay In New Contracts #~# U.S. Soccer and the women’s and men’s national teams have announced a historic collective bargaining agreement to close the gender pay gap and assure every player, man or woman, is paid equally, a first in the soccer federation world. What do you think? |
Fetus Steps Outside Womb For Quick Cigarette Break #~# KEARNEY, NE—Explaining he felt “all cooped up in that place” and needed to clear his head, a local fetus reportedly stepped outside the womb Friday for a quick cigarette break. “It’s nice to take a break from the nonstop gestation and just relax a little, but you’re not allowed to smoke in there,” said the unborn human offspring, currently the size of a bell pepper, who bummed a light from the ultrasound technician and proceeded to take long drags from a Marlboro. “I know this is bad for my development, but how else am I supposed to get through another 20 weeks in a cramped uterus? It’s been a tough trimester, and I needed to stretch these itty-bitty fingers and teeny-weeny toes. Mom’s always telling me I gotta stop. I figure I’ll quit when I’m born.” At press time, sources reported the fetus was tugging on the umbilical cord to give himself some more slack after being informed the law required him to stay at least 15 feet away from the womb. |
NYPD Arrests Colombian Turnstile Lord Behind Massive Turnstile-Jumping Ring #~# NEW YORK—As part of a sting aimed at dismantling a criminal enterprise said to operate in all five boroughs, the New York City Police Department arrested Friday a notorious Colombian turnstile lord alleged to be the leader of a massive international turnstile-jumping ring. “The NYPD has apprehended Carlos ‘The Hurdler’ Andrés after receiving a tip that he would be landing on an American subway platform today,” said Commissioner Keechant L. Sewell, who accused the powerful fare-dodging boss of arriving from Bogotá and immediately jumping a turnstile to avoid paying $2.75 for the A train at the Howard Beach–JFK Airport station. “This morning’s arrest is the culmination of a decade-long, $7 million special operation to take down Mr. Andrés and his lawless associates, who through their illicit activities have robbed the MTA of several dozen MetroCard swipes. With their highly specialized criminal leaping skills, this cartel has been tied to instances of fare evasion throughout the city. In some cases, they have even enlisted minors in their dangerous game, because children, with their smaller bodies, can often shimmy under the rotating metal bars that have been put in place to prevent unpaid access to our transit system. It should go without saying that turnstiles are all that stand between this city and anarchy.” At press time, NYPD officials confirmed reports that Andrés was once again on the loose after easily hopping the security gate at Rikers Island. |
Elon Musk Accuses Own Genitals Of Being Far-Left Actor With Axe To Grind #~# LOS ANGELES—Claiming his penis had obviously been coerced into exposing itself to a flight attendant in 2016, Elon Musk reportedly accused his genitals Friday of being a far-left actor with an axe to grind. “For the record, these accusations against me are wildly untrue, and were carried out by my genitals in a coordinated and dirty campaign orchestrated by the Democrats and the radicalized left,” said Musk, who added that he would never do something like that, and that his penis was clearly attempting to discredit him after years of highly publicized tension between the two. “Sadly, my shaft and balls used to be genitals of love, but thanks to socialist propaganda spread by antifa, they’ve become weapons of hate. Of course, while I move to the right, my penis has chosen to move dangerously to the left. Disgusting.” At press time, Musk vowed to vote Republican and to continue fighting for free speech no matter how many more times Democrat operatives paid his penis to expose itself to workers. |
Excuses Men Use To Not Get Married #~# The only thing men fear more than commitment is getting married specifically to you. Here are the most common excuses guys use to avoid saying “I do.” |
Knife-Wielding Tesla Kills Pedestrian #~# BOSTON—In an incident that sent shock waves across the automotive industry, a knife-wielding Tesla Model S reportedly killed local pedestrian Lucy Friedman Friday after pursuing her down a city street. “Based on data retrieved from the vehicle, the Tesla’s camera appears to have accidentally locked onto the pedestrian as she approached a crosswalk before opening its machete hatch, deploying the blade, and chasing her into a darkened alley,” said Tesla spokesperson Lindsey Singh, expressing regret for the programming malfunction that caused the car to rev its engines, turn on its flood lights, and pursue the terrified 32-year-old with a chassis-mounted blade. “Of course, we never intended the car’s knife to be used for lethal purposes. It’s possible the car’s sensors mistook Ms. Friedman for a patch of tall grass or sugar cane. What’s worth pointing out, however, is that the Tesla slashed through the victim’s jugular and then beheaded her using entirely clean energy. That’s something you could never say about a Toyota Prius.” Singh added that Tesla would learn from this mistake and equip all new vehicles with a first aid kit to help save any future stabbing victims. |
Ringling Bros. Announces Comeback Tour Without Animal Acts #~# Ringling Brothers and Barnum & Bailey circus has announced the return of its big top circus that closed five years ago, which is scheduled to debut in the fall of 2023 as a “multi-platform entertainment franchise” that focuses on human feats rather than animal acts. What do you think? |
Embarrassed Man Frantically Clears Search History After Googling Jets’ Playoff Chances #~# GALLOWAY, NJ—Cursing himself and sweating as he tried to eliminate all traces of what he’d done, embarrassed local man Chris Burnley was said to be frantically clearing his internet search history Friday after googling the New York Jets’ playoff chances. “Jesus Christ, what the fuck is wrong with you? No one can know you look at demented stuff like this,” the visibly sheepish man reportedly told himself as he quickly deleted a number of compromising searches from his history, including “Jets Super Bowl odds,” “can NY Jets win AFC East?” and “Zach Wilson MVP.” “God, what if someone walked in? What if one of my kids was using the computer and found this? I’ve got to get these sick urges out of my system without using the family computer. Goddamn it, I wish my old laptop still worked.” At press time, sources confirmed Burnley was rushing to the mailbox to get his Visa statement before his wife could find out that he’d used the couple’s credit card to bet on the Jets winning the Super Bowl. |
Timeline Of Tucker Carlson’s Career #~# Fox News host Tucker Carlson, the nation’s most-watched cable pundit, has built a career as a lightning rod for controversy. The Onion looks at the key events of his life and career. |
Madison Cawthorn Loses GOP Primary #~# Madison Cawthorn, the youngest member of Congress, has lost his seat in the Republican primary for North Carolina’s 11th Congressional District after a deluge of scandals involving run-ins with the law, sexual innuendo, and claims about Republican orgies. What do you think? |
Tom Cruise Receives Standing Ovation For Entering Cannes With Cartwheel #~# CANNES, FRANCE—Showered with praise for pulling off the spectacular feat, blockbuster actor Tom Cruise received a standing ovation at the Cannes Film Festival Wednesday when he arrived for the premiere of Top Gun: Maverick with a cartwheel. “Wow, how does he do it? This is why he’s a movie star,” said festival attendee James Dupont, who appeared mesmerized as Cruise announced, “Hey, everyone, look at me!” and raised two hands high into the air, proceeding to execute the most daring cartwheel ever witnessed on the red carpet at Cannes. “I can’t believe he did that! He could’ve died, you know. You don’t see a lot of actors able to do a cartwheel like he does. Most of them use stunt doubles, but not Tom Cruise! He must’ve had to train for months. Oh my God, he’s about to do a somersault, too—I’m crying.” At press time, the crowd was reportedly dazzled by Tom Cruise running up the stairs to the stage two steps at a time. |
Trump Urges Dr. Oz To Declare Victory Against Biden In 2020 Election #~# PALM BEACH, FL—In a series of posts shared to social media platform Truth Social, Donald Trump reportedly urged Dr. Mehmet Oz this week to declare victory against Joe Biden in the 2020 presidential election. “Dr. Oz, you must not let the election officials steal the presidency from you,” said Trump, who called upon the Republican Senate primary candidate to “go to the Supreme Court” if officials tried to call the race in Biden’s favor. “This is the moment where you can really show your strength. Don’t let them cheat you out of this—you must do whatever it takes, President Oz, to hold on to this victory. The White House is yours.” At press time, sources confirmed Trump was pressuring Republican officials across the country to certify Oz’s win. |
Signs You Are Experiencing Parental Burnout #~# Between children, work, and generally being a shitty person, life can feel impossible. Here are signs you are experiencing parental burnout. |
KitchenAid Unveils New Countertop Food Truck For Ordering Street Tacos From Convenience Of Home #~# BENTON HARBOR, MI—Calling the appliance a perfect addition to any kitchen, appliance manufacturer KitchenAid unveiled a new countertop food truck Thursday for ordering street tacos from the convenience of one’s home. “With KitchenAid’s new countertop food truck, home cooks of any level can open their cabinet, place an order, and instantly receive authentic Mexican street food straight from the source,” said spokesperson Jenna Turner, adding that for just $399, anyone could reach their hand up to the counter and receive carnitas, al pastor, or barbacoa tacos. “Not only does the elderly woman who makes the food hail from Oaxaca and use her grandmother’s secret recipes, but the truck itself is a beautiful addition to any space. Plus, it comes with a full flattop grill and tons of accessories, like a salsa bar and several coolers filled with aguas frescas.” At press time, KitchenAid had reportedly come under fire for releasing a mini version of the countertop food truck with a child laborer inside. |
Surgeon Loses Another Patient Under Operating Table #~# ROCHESTER, MN—Reflecting that it never got easier to break the tragic news to the family, surgeon Peter Broadwell reportedly lost another patient under the operating table Wednesday. “Goddamn it, she was right here—how the hell did she just disappear?” said the Mayo Clinic thoracic surgeon, who rooted around under the operating table and searched through the operating room storage cabinets for the patient he had lost. “Okay, if I were a patient, where would I be? Come on, Pete, focus. This is the third one you’ve misplaced this month. She was under heavy anesthesia, so it’s not like she just got up and walked out of here on her own. I tried so hard to keep her on the table, where I could see her, and it just wasn’t enough. This is the part of the job I really hate.” At press time, sources confirmed a nurse was leading the distraught doctor away from the operating room and assuring him that he had looked everywhere he could. |
Study Links Anxiety To Holding Broken Halves Of Mother’s Favorite Vase As Doorknob Turns #~# MEDFORD, MA—With its groundbreaking new research into what causes acute episodes of panic, a study published Thursday in The Journal Of Child Psychology And Psychiatry has established a link between severe anxiety and holding the broken halves of mother’s favorite vase as the doorknob turns. “Our data show that high levels of stress are strongly correlated with the door to the drawing room opening after a subject has shattered an irreplaceable heirloom that she cherishes dearly,” said Anabel Delancy, a Tufts University professor and lead author of the study, which used carefully controlled experiments to show that anxiety levels increase with both the number of degrees the knob has turned and the number of generations the vase has been in the family. “With every approaching footstep, we saw a significant spike in cortisol, the levels reaching their peak as subjects looked frantically between the pile of broken antique Venetian glass and the heavy oaken double door. While anxiety could be reduced in the short-term by successfully concealing all of the shards beneath the rug one’s uncle Adélard brought back from the Orient, it recurred with even greater intensity once the evidence was discovered and a harsh scolding was issued.” Delancy went on to say that the only effective treatment for such anxiety was for the subject to be taken into mother’s arms and reminded that possessions could never compare to the love she had for her darling child. |
Snapchat CEO And Supermodel Pay Off College Debt For L.A. Art School Graduates #~# Snapchat CEO and co-founder Evan Spiegel and his wife, supermodel Miranda Kerr, who were keynote speakers at this year’s graduation ceremony for Otis College of Art and Design, made donations to repay over $10 million in student loan debt for the school’s newest graduates. What do you think? |
DeSantis Signs Bill Banning Protests Outside Private Homes #~# Florida Gov. Ron DeSantis has signed a bill prohibiting “picketing and protesting” outside someone’s private residence, in response to abortion rights protests recently staged in front of the homes of U.S. Supreme Court justices. What do you think? |
What To Know About The Infant Formula Shortage #~# The U.S. is in the midst of a significant shortage of infant formula, with over 40% of expected supplies currently out of stock, leading to concerns about infant health and outrage from parents. The Onion tells you what you need to know about the infant formula shortage. |
Enlightened Child Realizes Chasing Vendetta No Way To Spend Entire Bumper Car Ride #~# WAUKESHA, WI—Reminding himself that forgiveness was above all a gift to himself, enlightened 8-year-old Trevor Brandt reportedly realized Wednesday that chasing a vendetta was no way to spend his entire bumper car ride. “Sure, I could go and smash into that kid’s car in retribution, but God only gave me so long on this ride and I don’t want to waste a single second on petty grudges,” said the benevolent second-grader, adding that he had already thrown away precious moments dwelling in anger on being pinned against the ride’s wall and called a loser. “What would lashing out at him accomplish besides distracting myself from the bounty of fun before me in the coming five minutes? No, I must simply turn the other cheek and appreciate the cool racing stripe I have. Ultimately, every bump I make into his car is really just a bump into myself.” At press time, the child was seen sitting peacefully while idling his car in the middle of the bumper car ring. |
People Who Haven’t Had Covid Explain How They’ve Avoided It For 2 Years #~# The most catastrophic pandemic in a generation, Covid-19 has left many millions dead and even more infected. Could those who have managed to avoid the virus provide us with clues to how we might contain such pathogens in the future? The Onion asked those who haven’t had the virus to explain how they avoided it for two years. |
Febreze Introduces New Rotting Rat Carcass For Covering Up Tough Odors #~# CINCINNATI—Calling the air freshener their “strongest product yet,” executives at Febreze reportedly began marketing a new rotting rat carcass Wednesday for covering up tough odors. “Whether you’re dealing with an overflowing trash can or a noxious bathroom, Febreze’s new line of bloated, dead rats will cover up that unpleasant scent fast,” said Procter & Gamble CEO Jon R. Moeller, who explained that the festering rodent’s patented long-lasting technology meant one rat could last for months in the average household before needing to be replaced. “Place one in the corner of the room, or toss one into a ventilation shaft if you prefer to keep it out of sight. They’re also great for overpowering musty scents in small spaces like closets and drawers. And the best part is that there are no heavy perfumes—everything’s 100% natural.” Moeller went on to state that consumers would have their choice between mauled, flattened, and electrocuted scents. |
Johnny Depp Loses All Support After Fans Realize They’ve Been Confusing Him For Orlando Bloom #~# FAIRFAX, VA—As his contentious defamation trial stretched into its sixth week, leading man Johnny Depp reportedly lost all support from those following the proceedings after fans realized Wednesday that they had been confusing him for actor Orlando Bloom. “Oh gross, it’s fucking Willy Wonka? That’s who we’ve been supporting this whole time?” said social media user John Nguyen, who told reporters he immediately deleted several pro-Depp memes from his profile upon learning that the 58-year-old actor had not appeared in the Lord Of The Rings trilogy at all, let alone in the role of Sindar Elf Legolas. “So he was the other guy in the Pirates movies? But that still doesn’t explain why we thought they were the same guy. Johnny Depp’s, like, 15 years older and much less cute. Okay, back to Lord Of The Rings—did he play an older version of Orlando Bloom’s character in one of those or something? No? Then why were we wasting our lives defending this loser? I’m honestly embarrassed.” At press time, fans reportedly grew even more perplexed after discovering that Johnny Depp’s ex-wife was not, in fact, Keira Knightley. |
Kindhearted Bouncer Lets Everyone Into Club For Being Hot In Their Own Special Way #~# CHICAGO—In keeping with his responsibility to ensure only the ideal clientele were permitted entry, Tempo Bar’s kindhearted bouncer Felix Maddsen reportedly let everyone into the club last night for being hot in their own special way. “You may not have a flawless figure or wear expensive clothes, but I can tell you’re a perfect 10 on the inside, so come on in,” said Maddsen, explaining that it was the tiny imperfections that made each person attractive enough to gain admittance to the exclusive nightclub, and that a patron’s willingness to put themselves out there and have a good time was what made them a VIP in his eyes. “Sure, I can see you have bad skin and your teeth are a little messed up, but you know what else I see? A kind face. And kindness is sexy as hell. Fat? Thin? Tall? Short? As long as you’ve got a smile and a good attitude, we want to see you break it down on that dance floor tonight. Did I mention your personality is a total smoke-show?” At press time, sources confirmed Maddsen had turned away a conventionally attractive couple that had tried to cut the line, telling them they were ruining the vibe. |
Judges Rule Calling Men ‘Bald’ Constitutes Sexual Harassment #~# An all-male panel of judges in the U.K. has ruled that commenting on a man’s baldness is a form of sex discrimination or sexual harassment, saying that since baldness is more prevalent in men, commenting on it in the workplace is equivalent to remarking on the size of a woman’s breasts. What do you think? |
Earth Given 50-50 Chance Of Hitting Key Warming Threshold By 2026 #~# A new report claims the Earth has a 50-50 chance of temporarily reaching a global warming threshold by 2026, with temperatures rising more than 1.5 degrees celsius, an indicator of the point at which climate impacts will become increasingly harmful for people and the rest of the planet. What do you think? |
Biden Touts Resiliency Of American Decline While Touring Factory That’s Been Closed For Decades #~# SAGINAW, MI—Gesturing grandly toward the dust-covered assembly line as he declared that nothing, absolutely nothing, could stop the nation from crumbling, President Joe Biden touted the resiliency of American decline Tuesday while touring a factory that had been closed for decades. “As I stand here in this shuttered auto factory where 2,000 workers lost their jobs in the mid-’90s so General Motors could save money by outsourcing their positions overseas, I am reminded that no matter what happens, the United States will always foster the conditions for its own demise,” the president said during the 90-minute tour of the crumbling, derelict factory, adding that the shuttered plant was a perfect example of the kind of local political and economic crises that were destroying the nation one community at a time. “This abandoned factory is a perfect symbol for a nation that will stop at nothing to drive itself into ruin. For years after this factory was closed down, the community tried to restore its operation and bring back jobs, but every time, a strong, unshakable coalition of business interests and politicians banded together and refused to let it happen. America’s commitment to its diminishing power is truly something to behold, and at the end of the day, I hope that we as Americans can stand tall and be proud of our entropy.” Before departing the facility, Biden reportedly addressed the corpse of a heroin addict who had taken up residence in the factory and overdosed on the floor, calling the dead man a shining example of the nation’s beautiful spiral into chaos and suffering. |
Congress Placed On Lockdown After Deranged Man Enters Senate With Gun Control Measures #~# WASHINGTON—Sending members of Congress ducking under their seats and covering their ears, the U.S. Capitol building was reportedly placed on lockdown Tuesday after a deranged man entered the Senate chamber with gun control measures. “It was terrifying—apparently he had written up hundreds and hundreds of pages detailing his plan to enact strict measures to regulate as many guns as possible,” said Sen. Roy Blunt (R-MO), who confirmed that the suspect, a middle-aged man brandishing a large manila folder, was tackled by Capitol police officers after walking onto the Senate floor and announcing he was armed with a proposal. “It was horrifying. You could tell he had planned the entire thing out. For a minute there, I really thought it was the end for these shootings. I’m just thankful he was caught before the gun lobby got hurt, or even killed.” At press time, authorities had asked the media to refrain from sharing the deranged man’s writings to avoid inspiring any copycats. |
L.A. Mayor To Provide Emergency Housing For Residents Who Spotted Homeless Guy In Neighborhood #~# LOS ANGELES—Calling the situation within the city a “humanitarian disaster,” Los Angeles mayor Eric Garcetti pledged Tuesday to provide emergency housing for residents who had spotted a homeless guy in their neighborhood. “Starting today, the City of Los Angeles will provide both temporary and permanent shelter to anyone who has been unfortunate enough to look out their window and see someone living on the street,” said Mayor Garcetti, adding that the multibillion-dollar initiative would finally give impacted families a place to recover from the shock of having to drive or even walk past an unhoused person. “The truth is, it’s better for everyone if we get these homeowners and renters into secure situations in which they never have to see a shopping cart, cardboard sign, or tent again. No resident should have to wake up every morning and be reminded of poverty. Not in this city.” At press time, Mayor Garcetti was reportedly under fire after ordering police to take a bulldozer to several upscale neighborhoods and arrest anyone who had seen a homeless person. |
Astronaut Lifts Helmet To Sneak Quick Forbidden Gulp Of Space Air #~# LOW EARTH ORBIT—Admitting he knew it wasn’t strictly allowed by his mission commanders, astronaut Lance Mann reportedly lifted his helmet Tuesday to sneak a quick forbidden gulp of space air. “I know I’m not supposed to, but I just can’t resist,” the NASA astronaut said during a routine spacewalk to repair one of the International Space Station’s solar arrays, his mouth watering with evident delight as he anticipated his first taste of space’s sweet nectar. “All through training, they were always harping on about how we should never remove our helmets under any circumstances when outside the ISS. But that only made me want to try some space air even more. After all, how bad can one lungful be?” At press time, reports confirmed the visibly delighted Mann was coughing up blood after the vacuum of space collapsed both of his lungs. |
Dad Reads Menu With Restaurant Candle Like Archaeologist Deciphering Ancient Runes #~# KANSAS CITY, MO—Bringing the flame closer to the strange markings scrawled on the sheet before him, local dad Joe Kurinsky reportedly read a restaurant menu with a candle Friday like an archaeologist deciphering the runes of an ancient, forgotten language. The 56-year-old father of three, as though translating Sumerian from the cuneiform script of a weathered clay tablet in a recently unearthed tomb, was said to have slowly mouthed the words “chicken fettuccine” before moving on to the next line of cryptic symbols. According to sources, Kurinsky then blew a tiny speck off the plastic menu as if clearing away the accumulated dust of five millennia, in what appeared to be an effort to make out which side dishes he might be able to substitute for the house salad. Holding his torch aloft, Kurinsky was heard to mutter, “God, they keep it pretty dark in here, huh?” as his family quietly waited for him to select an appetizer the way a crew on an archaeological dig might eagerly await the revelation of a secret recorded in the dead language of a lost civilization. At press time, reports confirmed the surprised table suddenly turned toward the approaching ominous sounds of a sizzling fajita platter that Kurinsky had summoned from the mysterious text. |
‘There’s A Razor On The Sink,’ Says Nurse Sending Patient To Bathroom To Fill Up Cup With Blood #~# NORMAN, OK—Assuring the man it was “all routine,” local registered nurse Danielle Fitzpatrick reportedly told a patient, “There’s a razor on the sink,” Tuesday while pointing him toward the bathroom where he could fill up a cup with blood. “It may be difficult to get it all into the cup, but do your best and we’ll clean up afterwards,” said Fitzpatrick, who instructed the patient to place the container in the deposit hatch in the wall and then come crawling back into the hallway when he was finished. “About halfway up the cup is fine—no need to make it overflow. Beside the razor there should also be a small stress ball you can squeeze. If you still find yourself having trouble, have a sip of water while you think about how little your life has amounted to. Just try to relax.” At press time, the blood test results had indicated the dead man was in perfect health. |
Scientists Grow Plant Seeds In Lunar Soil For First Time #~# Scientists have grown plants for the first time in lunar soil brought back to Earth by Apollo astronauts over 50 years ago, calling it an important step towards making long-term stays on the moon possible one day. What do you think? |
Things No One Tells You About Moving Back To Your Hometown #~# Giving up on your dreams isn’t always as pathetic as it sounds! Here are things no one tells you about moving back to your hometown as an adult. |
New York City Mayor Signs Law Requiring Job Postings To Include Minimum And Maximum Salary #~# New York City mayor Eric Adams signed the Salary Disclosure Law, which makes it illegal to post any job listing that doesn’t include the minimum and maximum salary offered for the position, in order to provide greater transparency for job seekers. What do you think? |
‘No Way To Prevent This,’ Says Only Nation Where This Regularly Happens #~# BUFFALO, NY—In the hours following a violent rampage in upstate New York in which a lone attacker killed 10 individuals and injured three others, citizens living in the only country where this kind of mass killing routinely occurs reportedly concluded Wednesday that there was no way to prevent the massacre from taking place. “This was a terrible tragedy, but sometimes these things just happen and there’s nothing anyone can do to stop them,” said New York resident Anthony Grady, echoing sentiments expressed by tens of millions of individuals who reside in a nation where over half of the world’s deadliest mass shootings have occurred in the past 50 years and whose citizens are 20 times more likely to die of gun violence than those of other developed nations. “It’s a shame, but what can we do? There really wasn’t anything that was going to keep this individual from snapping and killing a lot of people if that’s what they really wanted.” At press time, residents of the only economically advanced nation in the world where roughly two mass shootings have occurred every month for the past eight years were referring to themselves and their situation as “helpless.” |
CIA Criticized For Use Of Abusive Etiquette Coaches In Black Site Finishing Schools #~# NEUCHATEL, SWITZERLAND—In a damning indictment of the agency’s own social graces, the CIA came under intense scrutiny Monday after officials declassified a report detailing the foreign intelligence service’s use of abusive etiquette coaches in previously undisclosed black site finishing schools. |
Nestlé Pledges 10% Of Profits To Help Fund Genocide In Developing Countries #~# VEVEY, SWITZERLAND—In keeping with its core business principles and ongoing pledge to provide assistance to war criminals in need, international food processing giant Nestlé pledged Monday to set aside 10% of its profits to help fund genocide in developing countries. “We believe it is our responsibility as a corporate citizen to give back to the global community, and that is why one out of every 10 dollars we earn will hence forth be used to support ethnic cleansing operations in the countries where we do business,” said CEO Ulf Mark Schneider, describing his deeply held belief that Nestlé had an obligation to work hand in hand with authoritarian governments to address the issue of ethnic minorities who have been deprived of wholesale slaughter. “That means every year we’ll donate more than a billion dollars to build the vital infrastructure necessary to eliminate unwanted races and cultures from woefully overlooked parts of the globe. Whether it’s providing funds for extermination camps, forced sterilizations, or just plain old blade-on-bone massacre, this effort will remain at the forefront of Nestlé’s philanthropic endeavors for years to come.” Schneider went on to assure shareholders that the new initiative would not interfere with Nestlé’s longstanding practice of investing in employment opportunities by building supply chains that rely upon the forced labor of children. |
Nation’s Elderly Announce Plan To Be Sad And Lonely All The Time #~# BOCA RATON, FL—Addressing a retirement community bingo hall filled to capacity with empty folding chairs, the nation’s elderly announced Friday an ambitious and far-reaching new plan to be sad and lonely all the time. “Moving forward, we intend to be extremely depressed every second of every day with no one to turn to in times of increasing isolation,” Gordon Mayhew, 84, said on behalf of the country’s old people, who confirmed they would dedicate their few remaining years to puttering around aimlessly in silence while those younger than them failed to even acknowledge their existence. “As the people we share memories with continue to die off, we have resolved to feel even less loved and more hopeless with each passing day. It will be as if we are already dead as we stare blankly out the window at a world that long ago passed us by. So when you see us, feel free to avoid eye contact and pretend we aren’t here. Soon enough we won’t be.” The nation’s elderly went on to say that in addition to being sad and lonely, they also planned for their bodies not to be found until several days after they died. |
Things Robbers Always Look For When Casing A House #~# Burglaries are easily preventable, especially if you have a gun. Here are things robbers always look for when casing a house. |
Barber Sedates Nervous Man Before Haircut #~# CEDAR RAPIDS, IOWA—In an effort to create a more relaxed and safe environment for himself and the other customers, a local barber reportedly sedated a nervous man Monday before his haircut. “He seemed like he might start biting people, so this just made it easier for everyone,” said Reggie Allen, the owner of Reggie’s Barbershop, detailing that this was a standard procedure for some of his more excitable patrons who weren’t trained as well in interacting with others. “He was getting way too riled up from seeing the other men. Not to worry though, this sedative guarantees he doesn’t feel any pain, it’s better this way. Now that he’s knocked out I can take some inches off the top without him panicking about what length of clippers he wants.” At press time, the man suddenly woke up, ran into the street, and was hit by a car. |
Every Radio Station In Rural Area Playing Same Stupid Emergency Tornado Warning #~# SLAPOUT, OK—Bemoaning the complete lack of cultural diversity in the barren stretch of prairie, sources confirmed Monday that every radio station in rural Oklahoma was playing the same stupid emergency tornado warning. “How are these hicks not bored out of their skulls hearing nothing but these dumb weather advisories up and down the dial?” said New York resident Joanne Block, who scanned from station to station in the futile hope of finding something more interesting before she resigned herself to spending the next hour or so listening to the same monotonous messages imploring listeners to take shelter immediately. “God, I bet the hayseeds around here really love this inane crap about 115-mile-per-hour winds and low atmospheric pressure. Ugh, and there’s zero variation no matter what station you’re on. It all sounds like it’s written about the same stupid tornado, too.” At press time, Block added that she much preferred the emergency flood warnings she had back on the coast. |
James Cromwell Glues Hand To Starbucks Counter To Protest Surcharge For Plant-Based Milk #~# Eighty-two-year-old Succession actor and activist James Cromwell super-glued his hand to a midtown Manhattan Starbucks counter in a PETA-organized protest denouncing the coffee chain’s extra charge for plant-based milk. What do you think? |
Biden Administration Capping Cost of Internet For Low-Income Americans #~# The White House has announced it will partner with internet providers to lower the cost of high-speed internet plans for 48 million low-income Americans, providing plans of at least 100 Megabits per second of speed for no more than $30. What do you think? |
Man Doesn’t Understand Why Mothers Facing Formula Shortage Don’t Just Feed Baby Breast Meat #~# PENSACOLA, FL—Remarking upon what he called the “unbelievable laziness” of American women, a local man reported Friday that he simply could not understand why mothers facing the nationwide baby formula shortage wouldn’t just feed their infants breast meat. “That’s what you have them for, right? You can get several ounces of good meat out of each breast,” said area 34-year-old Randall Probst, explaining that the supply chain issues shouldn’t be a big deal, as women’s breasts begin to produce significant quantities of meat during the second trimester of pregnancy. “Nature has already provided a solution to this so-called ‘problem,’ and it’s pretty obvious. In fact, it’s what these moms should have been doing in the first place, because breast meat has way more nutrients than store-bought formula. Just put your breast in the kid’s mouth, and get them to take a big bite out of it. Mothers have been feeding their babies this way since the beginning of time.” Probst added that while women may feel a little pinch when an infant is tearing off and chewing pieces of their breast, he’s heard that after a while it becomes a pleasurable bonding experience. |
Heroic Passenger Provides Emergency Beverage Service After Flight Attendant Falls Ill #~# BOCA RATON, FL—In a feat stunned observers called “miraculous” and “inspiring,” courageous passenger Erica Spencer, 36, reportedly provided emergency beverage service Thursday after the sole flight attendant fell ill on an American Airlines flight from Miami to Boston. “You could tell she was really scared—her hands were shaking, and she kept repeating ‘I have no idea what I’m doing’ as she opened each soda can, but she kept on going anyway,” said fellow passenger Deanna Lunsford, who confirmed that despite Spencer’s complete lack of formal training, she had managed to serve a complimentary beverage to every person on board. “She saw the flight attendant collapse and knew someone had to step up. We were all holding our breath when that guy in first class ordered a Bloody Mary, but she kept it together and at the last second managed to get some vodka, V8, and ice into a cup on his tray table. She even managed to calmly collect all the trash to ensure none of it ended up in the seat pocket.” Reached for comment, Spencer credited a flight attendant at air traffic control with talking her through the hardest parts, like substituting pretzels for almonds when a passenger mentioned his nut allergy. |
What You Need To Know About Microplastics #~# Microplastics were recently found in human blood for the first time, leading to questions about what they are and how they could affect people’s health. The Onion answers common questions about microplastics. |
Passenger With No Flight Experience Lands Plane After Pilot Becomes Incapacitated #~# A passenger with no flying experience managed to successfully land a small plane in Florida with the help of an air traffic controller after the pilot became “incoherent” following a medical emergency. What do you think? |
Biggest Reasons Why Americans Are Leaving Big Cities #~# No, it’s not because of you. While all your friends may be abandoning you to move to smaller towns, it’s part of a nationwide trend. Here are the top reasons why Americans are leaving big cities. |
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