Datasets:

Biddls

/

Onion_News

like 5

Celebrity Chefs Describe Their Favorite Hangover Foods #~# After a long night of drinking, there’s nothing better than a big sloppy meal to sop it all up. We asked celebrity chefs to describe their favorite hangover foods, and this is what they said.

Kavanaugh, Gorsuch Recite Questions In Perfect Unison After Accidentally Memorizing Same Lines From Federalist Society Script #~# WASHINGTON—With the kerfuffle leading to a brief cessation in oral arguments, Supreme Court Justices Brett Kavanaugh and Neil Gorsuch reportedly recited their questions in perfect unison Friday after accidentally memorizing the same lines from a script sent to them by the Federalist Society. “It seems to me such reasoning leaves open a radical reinterpretation of the Ninth and Fourteenth Amendments, potentially trampling on the civil liberties of American—hold on, is that me or you?” said Kavanaugh who, after he and Gorsuch had been speaking in precise synchronization for several minutes, pulled out a binder that had been provided to him by the influential conservative think tank. “How the hell did this happen? I swear, if one of my clerks highlighted the wrong lines, I’m going to lose it. Come to think of it, this didn’t quite sound like it was in my voice, but there’s no fucking way I’m going to commit another six pages of this shit to memory. Oh, goddammit, yup, look here—this whole thing was supposed to be an Amy Coney Barrett monologue.” Kavanaugh went on to express his frustration that the Federalist Society couldn’t have given him a non-speaking part like Justice Clarence Thomas.

Fossilized Evidence Reveals Extinction Of Dinosaurs Led To Brief Epoch When Asteroids Ruled The Earth #~# MÉRIDA, MEXICO—Shedding new light on a rarely discussed prehistoric era, paleontologists from the Ohio State University announced Friday they had uncovered fossilized evidence that confirmed the extinction of dinosaurs led to a brief epoch when asteroids ruled the Earth. “The fossil record clearly shows that after annihilating the non-avian dinosaurs that dominated the planet 65 million years ago, these round, rocky carnivores quickly rose to the top of the food chain,” said Peter Jameson, head of an excavation team in the Yucatán that took core samples of the Chicxulub crater, from which the asteroids are believed to have first emerged before quickly spreading across the globe. “Their tough, craggy hide gave them an advantage over contemporary species. Small, rodent-like mammals, the early progenitors of human beings, survived by outrunning these lumbering predators during their short reign, and soon, cooling global temperatures led to a mass erosion event, wiping the asteroids out completely.” Jameson added that the descendants of the asteroids lived on to this day in the stones and pebbles that are still plentiful across the planet.

Domino’s Offering To ‘Tip’ Customers $3 For Ordering Carry-Out #~# Domino’s announced it would be offering customers a $3 credit towards a future purchase if they order online and choose carryout, the pizza chain hoping the promotion helps to alleviate problems being caused by the worker shortage. What do you think?

Study Finds Deer Only Mammal Besides Humans That Totally Suck #~# STARKVILLE, MS—Shedding new light on the ecology of the common woodland creature, a new study published Friday by Mississippi State University biologists has found that deer are the only mammal besides humans that totally suck. “For centuries, the scientific community had assumed that humans were the only mammals who were completely insufferable, but after years of observation, we can confidently confirm that deer totally suck shit as well,” said lead researcher Dr. Monica Gold, adding that as soon as her team first noticed the fascinating link between humanity and all 43 species of deer bringing absolutely nothing to the table, “it was easy to find further evidence proving that both have always sucked big fat dick, as far as animals are concerned.” “While some of the more highly evolved species of apes also exhibit the capacity to be huge pieces of shit, the numbers fail to meet the threshold in which humans and deer are guaranteed to be annoying as all hell. In fact, we found that 100% of members of the genus Homo and the family Cervidae unilaterally share the uncanny ability to fucking blow 100 percent of the time, across all ages and variations in species.” The study also proved conclusively that armadillos are the only mammals who totally rule.

Tide Unveils New Guy Who Will Lick Stains Off You #~# CINCINNATI—Hailing the product as a major breakthrough in laundry technology, the detergent brand Tide announced Thursday that its top-selling line of household products now includes a guy who comes into your home and licks the stains off you. “We at Tide are proud to introduce Greg, our latest weapon in the war against those pesky spills and splashes,” read a press release that accompanied the product, explaining how Greg’s patented stain-fighting saliva and ultra-absorbent tongue work to obliterate even the toughest, most set-in stains. “Just yell out, ‘Greg!’ and he’ll come on over and get to work. Whether it’s coffee, wine, dirt, or blood, he’ll lick it all up. So the next time you accidentally smear chocolate all over your pants, give Greg a shout!” The press release went on to warn customers that before using Greg, they should test him out on an inconspicuous area of clothing to avoid potential discoloration.

FBI Urges Olympic Athletes To Leave Personal Cell Phones At Home #~# The FBI has warned Olympic athletes not to bring their personal phones but to get burner phones instead before heading to Beijing for the Winter Games, citing possible “malicious cyber activities.” What do you think?

Pentagon Pleasantly Surprised To Discover ISIS Leader Killed During Indiscriminate Bombing Of Middle East #~# WASHINGTON—In a development they described as a “fortuitous coincidence,” top Pentagon officials confirmed Thursday they were pleasantly surprised to discover ISIS leader Abu Ibrahim al-Hashimi al-Qurashi was killed during their indiscriminate bombing of the Middle East. “In the early hours of the morning, American forces stumbled onto the ISIS leader’s body and concluded he had been taken out at some point during our routine scattershot bombing of the region,” said Defense Secretary Lloyd Austin, describing the “unexpected treat” of pulling the corpse of the terrorist commander from rubble containing dead civilians from several unrelated U.S. drone strikes. “This victory is the culmination of a years-long campaign in which thousands of shells and munitions have exploded randomly all across the region. Frankly, we didn’t realize it had happened until we heard some radio chatter that he’d been killed. But, still, we’ll take it.” Pentagon officials added that they looked forward to expanding their counterterrorism mission until aimlessly fired U.S. explosives reached every corner of the globe.

Democrats, Republicans Spar Over Whether Judge ‘Unnamed Black Woman’ Qualified For Supreme Court #~# WASHINGTON—Digging in for what could become a weeks-long battle, Democratics and Republicans in Congress reportedly began sparring Thursday over whether Judge Unnamed Black Woman was qualified for the Supreme Court. “I’m shocked that President Biden, who was elected to office with the promise that he would bridge the partisan divide, would pick someone as polarizing and radical as Judge Unnamed Black Woman,” said Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell, who refuted Senator Chuck Schumer’s assertion that Unnamed Black Woman was the most outstanding pick for the vacancy given her sterling record on TBD issue as well as her impressive education at Ivy League University. “My colleagues in the Senate and I have looked into Unnamed Black Woman’s records and are quite alarmed by what we’ve seen. If President Biden wants to fill this vacancy, he’s going to have to meet us halfway with a sensible candidate like Unnamed White Woman.” At press time, Democrats had begun expressing their admiration for the Supreme Court pick by christening her with the adoring nickname “UBW.”

Washington Commanders Primed To Sign Free Agents After Receiving $30 Billion From Defense Budget #~# WASHINGTON—Saying the cash windfall will go a long way in shoring up their mediocre offense, the newly renamed Washington Commanders told reporters Thursday that they are primed to sign top-tier free agents this off season after receiving $30 billion in funding from the U.S. Department of Defense. “We had some good cap space already, but this funding from Congress will give us a big boost over the teams constrained by the normal $200 million salary cap,” said team GM Martin Mayhew, who expressed interest in using the billions earmarked for national defense to make a run at Davante Adams and J.C. Jackson as well as build a new stadium and hire a world-class support staff to lure talent in the future. “We didn’t even request this money. A check from the Defense Department just showed up in the mail the day after we announced the name change. But I’ll be the first to admit we have big needs on both sides of the ball and this cash means we can easily sign every single free agent out there and see who works out. The only downside is that we’re required to sign a $22 billion non-functioning bomber jet from Boeing as our kicker.” At press time, the Commanders were appearing before Congress to request a 50% increase in funding after burning through the entire budget in less than 48 hours.

Movies That Were Changed Drastically For Chinese Audiences #~# In China, the world’s largest movie market, stringent government censorship often leads to movies being drastically altered in ways that do not reflect the intentions of filmmakers. Here are some of the most notable cases of movies that were re-edited for Chinese audiences.

Tom Brady Announces Retirement #~# Tom Brady has officially announced his retirement from the NFL after 22 record-breaking seasons, ending his career after winning seven Super Bowls with the New England Patriots and Tampa Bay Buccaneers. What do you think?

A Week In The Life Of Rihanna #~# Celebrities are just like us: stupid and miserable. They’re also much richer and more important, which makes their lives more interesting than ours. The Onion hung out with pop star and fashion mogul Rihanna to get a window into a typical week in her life.

Centuries Of Agricultural Inbreeding Produce Apple With Warped, Protruding Jaw #~# SALEM, OR—In an unsettling development that elicited gasps and whispered horror from local townspeople, orchard sources reported Thursday that centuries of agricultural inbreeding had produced an apple with a warped, protruding jaw. “They’ve tried to keep the Granny Smith bloodline pure for 150 years, but nature doesn’t like that sort of thing,” said Oregon native Eric McCree, who claimed that concerns over diluting the reputedly superior genetics of the prized cultivar had led local farmers to only cross-pollinate new trees with seeds from the same original apple. “Over time, these incestuous unions produce fruit that is mushy and weak. Last year a whole crop died from blight, but our local orchard still refuses to plant seedlings outside the Granny Smith pedigree, insisting that other apples aren’t fit and would pollute the lineage. But look at ’em. Some of them even have tongues that just stay flopped out of their mouths.” At press time, the apple breeders had reportedly secured a powerful alliance by obtaining the promise of a grafting between a Granny Smith and one of Washington State’s most prominent honeycrisps.

‘New York Times’ Buys Online Game Wordle #~# The New York Times announced Monday it has bought Wordle, the free once-a-day online word game that exploded in popularity in recent months, saying the game would initially remain free once it moves over to the Times’ site. What do you think?

Do We Live In A Simulation? The Onion Explains #~# Debate among scientists has risen in recent years about whether we live in a simulation, but what does that even mean, and what would be the consequences if we did? The Onion answers common questions about whether we live in a simulation.

Mississippi Undergoes Controlled Demolition To Make Way For New High-End Luxury U.S. Territory #~# JACKSON, MS—In an effort to revitalize the country’s geographical holdings, the state of Mississippi reportedly underwent a controlled demolition Wednesday to make way for a new high-end luxury U.S. territory. “We are excited to announce that as part of a nationwide renewal initiative, we have detonated charges throughout the Magnolia State, clearing a nearly 50,000-square-mile area that fell into disrepair many years ago,” said Interior Secretary Deb Haaland, who remarked that Mississippi had long been an underperforming asset, and so it only made financial sense to level the state and make way for a more lucrative, elite territory with the potential to contribute more to America’s bottom line. “Once the rubble has been carted away, we will be auctioning off homesteading rights to the highest bidder. Inhabitants will then be asked to pay $100,000 in annual residency dues, which will grant them access to opulent cities outfitted with all-new infrastructure, elegant restaurants created by award-winning chef David Chang, and exclusive recreational opportunities along the shore of the newly rebranded Gulf of the U.S.A.” The secretary added that because of the questionable region in which it was located, the new federal territory would be gated to prevent break-ins from residents of surrounding states.

Study Finds Majority Of Cavities Formed From Repeatedly Running Tongue Over Tooth That Feels Weird #~# CAMBRIDGE, MA—Representing a breakthrough in dental health, a study published Wednesday by Harvard University found that a majority of cavities were formed when people repeatedly ran their tongue over a tooth that felt weird. “In our research, the leading cause of tooth decay was a subject rubbing their tongue along a molar that felt slightly odd over and over again until the enamel had been completely worn down,” said the study’s lead author, Jeremy O’Markey, telling reporters that acids on the human tongue, combined with its rough surface, were extremely harmful for teeth and could cause them to begin to break down after only six or seven exploratory prods. “About the only thing worse for dental hygiene is giving the afflicted tooth a little jab with your finger or a floss pick, which is basically guaranteed to make it collapse on impact.” O’Markey added that his team’s research had also confirmed that dreams about teeth falling out signified that you were pulling your teeth out while you slept.

Worst Career Advice Baby Boomers Give Millennials #~# That’s going to open way fewer doors than a boomer thinks.

Study Finds Only 97% Of Eye Contact Sexual In Nature #~# NEW YORK—In a finding that reverses decades of conventional scientific wisdom, a sociological study from Columbia University revealed Wednesday that only 97% of eye contact is sexual in nature. “Our research suggests that a stunning 3% of all cases of a coworker, friend, or complete stranger making momentary eye contact are not attempts to seduce or even playfully flirt with you,” said study co-author Dr. Hamilton Morris before quickly clarifying that the vast majority of commuters on trains, baristas, TSA agents, bar patrons, dentists, and supermarket shoppers still use brief eye contact in order to suggest sexual interest and urge you to initiate intimacy as soon as possible. “It’s important to emphasize that locking eyes for any span longer than a few seconds causes this percentage to jump precipitously. As a result, it remains safe to assume that virtually any individuals—even police officers, rabbis, or funeral directors—looking you dead in the eye are aroused and want to get you off as quickly as they can.” In another finding, the team discovered that only 49% of eye contact from one’s pet is a smoldering come-hither look.

Trump Says He Will Pardon Capitol Rioters If He Runs For And Wins 2024 Election #~# Former President Donald Trump promised at a recent rally in Texas that he will pardon supporters who attacked the U.S. Capitol on Jan. 6, 2021 if he runs for and wins the 2024 presidential election. What do you think?

Rihanna Expecting First Child With A$AP Rocky #~# Pop star and fashion mogul Rihanna is expecting her first child with her boyfriend, rapper A$AP Rocky, debuting her bare baby bump while the couple was on a walk in NYC. What do you think?

Tom Brady Spends First Day Of Retirement Studying Tape Of People To Learn How They Work #~# TAMPA, FL—Diligently taking notes on hours of slowed-down video footage, future Hall of Fame quarterback Tom Brady reportedly spent his first day of retirement Tuesday studying tape of people to learn how they operate off the field. “It’s important I study every minute of this so I know what to expect out there,” said the 22-year NFL veteran, pausing on a surprise handshake between two middle-aged men before zooming in on the moment, circling the interlocking palms, and then rewinding and watching it again. “See the way they make firm contact here, midway up the torso, both feet strongly planted on the ground? I think that’s going to be the key to winning out there. It almost looks like they’re pulling both corners of their mouths upward in a reverse-double-hook pattern—I’ve never seen that before. I’m going to have to run this a few more times in the mirror before I hit the showers.” At press time, sources confirmed Brady had been benched after a botched neighborly wave left him with a fractured wrist.

Bookie Can Be Real Jerk When He Doesn’t Get His Money #~# PATERSON, NJ—Explaining that his gambling associate was otherwise a perfectly pleasant individual, local man Jim Hameroff, 49, told reporters Tuesday that his bookie could be a real jerk when he didn’t get his money. “I tell you, my bookie gets a real bee in his bonnet anytime I don’t pay him, or I come up short by a couple hundred bucks,” said Hameroff, noting that the bookmaker would be his best friend one minute, when a boxing match was coming up, but a bit of a prick the next, when he didn’t get his cash right away. “Everything can be peachy keen, but then I’m a few weeks late with a payment, and suddenly, he turns into a big, mean grump, dangling me over a balcony railing or threatening to break my ankles. Now, I admit that I can be a little emotional myself sometimes, but it’s usually in response to him screaming while pointing a gun at my head and threatening to kill my family if he doesn’t get paid.” Hameroff added that despite the bookie’s mercurial disposition, he was always full of encouragement when it came to betting on a 16-to-one underdog, for which Hameroff was appreciative, because that kind of support could be hard to find.

FTC Questions Merger Of Google With U.S. Government #~# WASHINGTON—Saying the move sparked antitrust concerns, as well as fears about the increased concentration of power in fewer corporate hands, the Federal Trade Commission questioned Tuesday the merger of Google with the U.S. government. “The proposal to merge Google, the three branches of government, and all 137 federal agencies under the parent company Alphabet does raise some alarm bells,” said FTC chair Lina Khan, who requested a temporary pause on the merger announced yesterday by President Joe Biden and Alphabet CEO Sundar Pichai, so officials could evaluate whether it potentially ran afoul of federal rules. “Combining the U.S. government and Google may not be without its positive effects, but frankly we at the FTC are struggling to see what real benefits American consumers will derive from combining one of the nation’s largest search engine, online advertising, and cloud computing companies with one of the nation’s largest providers of social services and public education. The merger of Google’s ad division with the Pentagon alone raises some fairly serious ethical concerns. Ultimately, we’re willing to hear it out, of course, but we must express our concerns about the precedent that merging the entire structure of the U.S. government with Google sets for corporate oversight going forward.” At press time, the Senate Committee on Commerce, Science, and Transportation had approved the merger by a unanimous vote.

Voter Suppression Laws In Every State #~# The Onion provides in-depth coverage of how voters are “legally” intimidated, disenfranchised, and discriminated against at the state level.

Climate Report Finds Humanity’s Plot To Kill Off Emperor Penguin By Heating Planet Going Exactly As Planned #~# GENEVA—Confirming that carbon emissions are on track to meet its ambitious goals, the U.N. Framework Convention on Climate Change released a report Tuesday that found humanity’s ongoing plot to kill the emperor penguin by heating the planet was going exactly as planned. “We have every reason to believe that human civilization will succeed in its centuries-long plan to wipe this horrible species off the face of the earth,” the report read in part, explaining how the scheme had proceeded on schedule since 1760, when widespread disgust with penguins inspired world leaders and titans of commerce to launch the industrial revolution and thereby stimulate the production of greenhouse gases. “We knew when we started out that it would be a challenge to meet our goal of reducing this idiotic flightless bird’s population to zero, but everyone is playing their part and we are making great strides. Credit goes not only to the powerful interests that ensure we continue to burn fossil fuels, but to the ordinary citizens who have dramatically changed their lifestyles in order to help eradicate the most hated creature on our planet.” Responding to criticism that it was only paying lip service to the cause of killing emperor penguins, the U.N. issued a statement that said it was melting sea ice as fast as it could and would “drown those fuckers one by one” if necessary.

New York City Ethics Board Says Mayor Can Hire Brother For $1 #~# A New York City ethics panel has agreed that Mayor Eric Adams can hire his brother as a senior security adviser, but only at $1 per year and with no power over department personnel, not the $240,000 salary the position was supposedly set to pay. What do you think?

Republican Retracts False Claims Schools Providing Litter Boxes For Furries #~# Nebraska state lawmaker Bruce Bostelman has apologized after citing a debunked rumor that schools are accommodating children who self-identify as cats by placing litter boxes in bathrooms. What do you think?

‘Elden Ring’: The Official OGN Guide (And How We Beat The Game In Under 30 Minutes) #~# Elden Ring has sold over 12 million copies in the month since its release, providing gamers with hours upon hours of what passes for enjoyment these days. Gameplay can be tricky, but it’s ultimately rewarding if you follow OGN’s tips and tricks.

Ukrainian Delegate Knows It Dangerous To Eat At Peace Talks, But Brownie Just Too Tempting #~# ISTANBUL—Stressing that he understood the risks involved in consuming anything offered at the latest round of peace talks, Ukrainian negotiator Mykhailo Podolyak told reporters Thursday that a freshly baked brownie was simply too tempting to pass up. “Obviously we’ve been warned not to touch any of the food or drink, but they didn’t prepare us for how perfectly moist and fudgy these things would be,” said the high-level delegate who reportedly eyed the plate of baked chocolate confections with a mixture of suspicion and hunger while noting that he hadn’t eaten all day and the brownies would clearly go down great with a glass of cold milk. “There’s no question that I’m taking my life into my own hands if I try even a little nibble, no matter how ooey-gooey and warm they might look...oh, hell, I can’t resist! I’ll just eat around the puncture mark and see what happens.” At press time, the chocolate-covered delegate was reportedly clutching his stomach in pain, unsure whether he had been poisoned or was merely sick from housing the entire plate of baked goods in one go.

Report: Incredible Thrill Of Shooting White Rhino And Watching It Die In Danger Of Extinction #~# TUCSON, AZ—Urging immediate action to safeguard the fun of killing exotic animals, a report out Thursday from Safari Club International stated that the incredible thrill of shooting a white rhinoceros and watching it die was in danger of extinction. “If we do not act quickly and decisively, our children will never experience the majesty of seeing the life disappear from a white rhino’s eyes,” said Laird Hamberlin, CEO of the hunting advocacy group, explaining that as stewards of the planet, humankind had an obligation to preserve the exhilarating rush that comes from putting a bullet into the skull of “such a magnificent creature” while on vacation in the South African savanna. “The coming years will be crucial if we hope to save the pure joy of massacring a white rhino and watching it lie there in the grass, slowly bleeding out. We do not want the great tradition of putting one’s arm around a white rhino corpse and smiling for a photo that will be posted on social media to one day vanish from the planet.” Hamberlin added that it may soon be too late to rescue the sense of overweening self-importance one feels when mounting the head of a dead rhinoceros, hanging it on a wall, and referring to it as a trophy.

U.S. Doomsday Bunker Company Sees Sales Spike 1,000% #~# A Texas-based company that sells “doomsday bunkers” claims that sales have spiked 1,000% for units ranging from $40,000 to a $8.5 million “aristocrat” bunker that fits up to 44 people after Russia invaded Ukraine. What do you think?

Underfunded School Forced To Use Out-Of-Date History Books As Lunches #~# DELHI, LA—Citing state budget cuts and rejected requests for federal aid, Delhi High School officials told reporters Wednesday that the underfunded school now had no choice but to use out-of-date history books as lunches. “Unfortunately, our students will have to consume obsolete texts that were published as far back as the 1980s and lack the nourishment young minds need,” said principal Maris Gourdine, observing the books were too old to include the past half century of history, which education experts agree is necessary for a properly balanced diet. “These books are the only meal some of these kids will get all day, so not being able to provide important events like 9/11 and America electing its first Black president means they will have to go hungry. What’s more, a lot of our students won’t swallow the pages that tell them the Civil War was merely a dispute over states’ right, and I can’t say I blame them.” Gourdine added that there was a shocking difference between her school and those in predominantly white communities that not only had new textbooks in the cafeteria, but also gave each student an iPad to eat.

Dad Can’t Believe How Much Disney World Charging For Sex With Goofy #~# ORLANDO, FL—Stressing that the experience with the costumed mascot was a “total racket,” local dad Simon Marshall couldn’t believe this week how much Disney World was charging for sex with Goofy. “For a family of five, the amount Disney is asking to plug all Goofy’s holes is borderline extortion,” said Marshall, explaining that when he used to come to the park with his parents in the ’90s, they would be able to attend an orgy with all the princesses for the same price. “I can’t believe we waited in line for hours just to get a lame, half-hearted handjob from Goofy. It lasted less than 30 seconds. And afterwards, they had the nerve to charge for a picture. Hopefully R2D2 will be better.” At press time, an annoyed Marshall pulled out his wallet after his family asked if they could ride Goofy again.

Popular New TikTok Influencer Just Teaches Teens To Tie Nooses #~# LOS ANGELES—Quickly amassing young followers in the tens of millions, popular new TikTok influencer Eva Belle just posts videos teaching teens how to tie nooses, sources reported Thursday. “So, I’m using bright yellow today, but you can use whatever color you want,” said the social media personality in a recently posted video, whose viral content inspired teenagers across the country to try their hand at creating fun nooses they could hang from their bedroom light fixtures or another sturdy spot. “I also like to add some glitter to my noose, it’s very Y2K! Also, guys, please, please, please make sure you wrap it several times. Otherwise, instead of your neck snapping instantly, you’ll be slowly strangled to death, which, ugh, cringe.” At press time, Eva Belle had appeared on the The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon to demonstrate how easy it was to stockpile pain pills.

Diners Forced To Quarantine In Hotpot Restaurant #~# Chinese authorities forced dozens to quarantine overnight in a hotpot restaurant after a Covid-19 case was detected at the location, a measure in accordance with the country’s policy for rapid lockdowns and other restrictions whenever clusters emerge. What do you think?

Man Really Only Joined Angry Mob To Show Off Fancy New Torch #~# MOBILE, AL—Appearing disinterested as he marched among a horde of angry townspeople Thursday, a local man acknowledged to reporters that he had really only joined an angry mob parading through the streets so he could show off his fancy new torch. “To be honest, I really don’t know what we’re opposing or supporting here, I just wanted to give this baby a whirl,” said Tony Miller, 29, growing animated as he discussed his torch’s detailed craftsmanship and remarked upon how it was probably of high enough quality to be used in an Olympic ceremony. “It’s great for brandishing. You can flail it around as much as you like, and it really gets the job done. I’ve gotten some pretty nice compliments on it, and one guy seemed impressed when I showed him how comfortable the grip is. Clearly, everyone out here tonight is genuinely upset about something, and I can respect that. But if I contribute anything to this scene, it’ll be to convince some of these folks to upgrade from their Tiki torches.” At press time, Miller was reportedly showing off the antique hand-forged pitchfork he had purchased online.

Trump’s Missing Jan. 6 Phone Logs #~# Calls advisors to ask if it time to switch to anonymous burner phone.

Ginni Thomas And History’s Most Controversial Political Spouses #~# Conservative activist Ginni Thomas has come under fire for text messages to then-President Trump’s chief of staff in which she advocates overturning the 2020 election. This has led to questions about whether her husband, Supreme Court justice Clarence Thomas, should recuse himself from election-related cases, or even resign. The Onion looks back at the most controversial spouses of political figures throughout history.

History’s Greatest ‘Dance Dance Revolution’ Player Tragically Born Decades Too Late #~# DAYTON, OH—Watching him nail routine after routine on a dingy game mat he had found in a box of his parents’ old things, sources confirmed Wednesday that history’s greatest Dance Dance Revolution player, 10-year-old Noah Wilson, had tragically been born decades too late. “It’s truly a shame to witness such an unrivaled talent, knowing that the craze peaked long ago and his abilities are of no use to anyone,” said former DDR champion Soda Yasushi, 38, who fondly recalled a time when the game had been ubiquitous in arcades, bowling alleys, and bars around the world, and wistfully observed that it all seemed to have been cast aside as quickly as it appeared. “My God, look at those up-down jump combos. I’ve never seen anything like it. He’s only a child, yet he has mastered ‘Let’s Groove’ without breaking a sweat—and without having heard the song before! It’s so sad the days of Dance Dance Revolution are long behind us, for he would have made a formidable adversary. I would like to have competed against him in Versus mode, but it was not to be. What a complete waste.” At press time, Wilson had reportedly mastered “Through The Fire And Flames” in expert setting on Guitar Hero, another astounding feat not appreciated by anyone in today’s society.

Terminal Cancer Wasted On Man Who Was Already Living In The Moment #~# LEXINGTON, KY—Lamenting that he had squandered a perfectly good case of metastatic colon cancer, local man Josh Talbott told reporters Wednesday that a terminal diagnosis had been wasted on his friend who was already living in the moment. “When the doctors told him he had three months to live, it’s like, whatever, he was already cherishing every moment he had with friends and family, and living every day like it was his last,” said Talbott, adding that the life-ending disease could have been used so much more effectively on someone who didn’t value the precious life they’d been given and desperately needed a wake-up call. “Yeah, it’s sad that his time with us has been cut painfully short, but maybe what’s sadder is that this could have really given someone a new lease on life and taught them to make the most of whatever time they had left. Why would you throw that kind of golden opportunity away on someone who already found peace, love, and joy? Give it to an asshole businessman or something.” Talbott added that while his friend needed a miracle to survive, that would probably be a waste too, because he already believed in a higher power.

‘This City. These People. All Sheep, And I Am Their Shepherd,’ Says Eric Adams, Looking Out Over New York #~# NEW YORK—Clasping his hands behind his back and looking out over Manhattan’s iconic skyline, New York mayor Eric Adams was reported to have said, “This city. These people. All sheep, and I am their shepherd,” as he launched into a monologue Wednesday. “I and I alone am the line between order and chaos, guiding toward the light these confused, woeful masses who wander in darkness,” said Adams, who reportedly cast his gaze on the citizens below and contemplated how fortunate they were to have a place in the palm of his merciful hand. “Without me, without my power and my will, each of these 8 million souls would be condemned to a wretched life and death amidst a twisted, seething cesspool of humanity. As they cling to a crumbling precipice, they reach out, in their desperation, to the one man whose whims control their destiny: to me, to their protector, to New York’s greatest benefactor, to Eric Adams!” At press time, sources reported Adam had retired for the night to his apartment in New Jersey.

Taylor Swift To Receive Honorary Doctorate From NYU #~# Taylor Swift will receive an honorary doctorate of fine arts from New York University during a commencement ceremony at Yankee Stadium where she will address graduates of 2022 as well as those unable to have a ceremony due to the pandemic in 2021 and 2020. What do you think?

Venice Hotel Guests Issued Water Guns To Shoot Gulls #~# Hoteliers in Venice are supplying tourists with water guns to help ward off aggressive seagulls that have become increasingly bold in swooping down to steal food as visitors dine on hotel terraces. What do you think?

Academy Condemns Will Smith For Most Violent Incident Since Frances McDormand Gunned Down 43 At 1997 Oscars #~# LOS ANGELES—Announcing that they had opened a formal review of the event in question, the Academy of Motion Pictures Arts and Scientists condemned Will Smith Tuesday for the most violent incident since Frances McDormand gunned down 43 people. “The Academy in no way condones Mr. Smith’s actions, which served as a painful reminder of the dozens of innocent bystanders who were ruthlessly slaughtered by Frances McDormand at the Oscars ceremony of 1997,” said the Academy in a statement, adding that the organization had worked for years to recover from the Fargo actress’ senseless killing spree when she walked up and down the aisles with a rifle murdering dozens of audience members, including actors, extras, and cinematographers. “After Frances committed her horrible crimes, she cackled, shot several bullets into the ceiling, and then calmly walked up to the stage covered in blood to accept her award. We at the Academy swore we would never let a day like that ever happen again, but now that Will Smith has slapped Chris Rock, we fear those dark days have returned.” At press time, the Academy refused to answer questions about why Frances McDormand’s Oscar had not been revoked despite the fact that she then used it to fatally bludgeon several security officers.

Starving Yemeni Civilians Thank Media For Privacy During Difficult Time #~# SANAA, YEMEN—Praising international news organizations for their discretion, starving Yemeni civilians reportedly thanked the media Tuesday for giving them privacy during a difficult time. “When your community is in crisis, the last thing you want is to have the news media draw attention to you,” said Faraz al-Hadrami, one of numerous Yemenis who expressed appreciation to leading newspapers and broadcast news outlets for allowing them to grieve the starvation deaths of their spouses and the Saudi bombing deaths of their children in private. “Enduring a blockade of food and medicine for years has been difficult enough without members of the media making a big deal out of it, so we’re really glad they haven’t. It would be easy to drop in and snap a few pictures of sick children and bombed-out neighborhoods, but reporters have shown that they’re above dragging our problems through the press. This is a very difficult period in all of our lives, made more difficult by the continued deaths of our loved ones and community members, and we want to say thank you to all the Western journalists who are mature enough to give us space. Frankly, the suffering we’re going through is no one’s business but ours.” Yemeni civilians went on to ask the media to continue honoring their privacy and giving them time to heal from a lack of food.

Restaurant Workers Explain Why They Quit During The Pandemic #~# The hospitality industry has been hit particularly hard by Covid-19, leaving restaurants unable to hire waiters, chefs, and other support staff. The Onion interviewed several restaurant workers to ask why they quit during the pandemic, and this is what they said.

Sobriety Completely Changes Way Man Gains Weight #~# CHICAGO—Opening up about how much different his life is these days, local man Brian Hinsdale told reporters Tuesday that his newfound sobriety had completely changed the way he gains weight. “For years, anytime I started putting on the pounds, it was because of how much beer I was drinking, but now that happens as a result of all the extra snacks I’m compulsively eating,” said the 36-year-old with more than 11 months of sobriety under his belt, adding that if it weren’t for the support of friends and family, he never would have been able to quit alcohol and replace the empty calories in his diet with salty, fatty foods and sugary treats. “I used to feel puffy and bloated all the time, and it’s no wonder, considering I would come home from the office, sit down on the couch, and work my way through a six-pack of IPA before bed. Nowadays, I step on my bathroom scale and see I’m getting the exact same results by methodically consuming a sleeve or Oreos or a 10-ounce bag of Doritos each night. I have so much more clarity every morning when I wake up feeling like shit, and I’m thankful for that.” Hinsdale went on to credit his Alcoholics Anonymous sponsor for reminding him to appreciate the small things in life, like how good prepackaged donuts from a convenience store could be.

Woman Quickly Smashes Plate Over Head So She’ll Have Something To Talk About At Therapy #~# YONKERS, NY—Panicking after realizing she had absolutely nothing for their weekly session, local woman Janine Welch was reported to have quickly smashed a plate over her head Tuesday so she’d have something to talk about at therapy. “Shit, shit, I forgot that was today—how is there nothing going on in my social life, romantic life, or work life to unpack?” said Welch, who after spotting a pile of dirty dishes nearby, shrugged, picked up a ceramic plate, and smashed it against her skull until it shattered into several large pieces and fell to the floor. “Ow, yep, that’ll work. It’s certainly irrational of me, and it goes against every single coping mechanism she’s told me to try. I’m paying $75 a session, and it’s too late to cancel, so I’d better get something out of this, right?” At press time, sources confirmed Welch was laughing sheepishly after her therapist explained that it was totally natural and showed her the shards of a broken plate she had smashed over her own head earlier that day.

McDonald’s Launches $99 Ripoff Menu #~# CHICAGO—Boasting that it was the absolute worst value of any fast food restaurant in the country, McDonald’s announced Tuesday that the company had launched a $99 ripoff menu. “Starting today, McDonald’s customers can buy all of their favorite classic items, like a quarter pounder with cheese, small fries, or four-piece chicken nuggets, for the highly unaffordable price of $99,” said CEO Chris Kempczinski, noting that for just a $100 upgrade, customers could also add on a small soft drink or hash brown to any inflated McDonald’s purchase. “No matter where you go, we guarantee you’ll never find prices more unreasonable than these. Plus, for $199, you can buy upgraded menu items like a bacon McDouble or a McChicken, and for $1,099, we’ll gouge you by letting you mix and match.” At press time, McDonald’s confirmed they had no choice but to double the Ripoff menu prices after only making 100 times the projected profits.

School’s Active Shooter Drill Includes Part Where Security Guard Practices Fleeing In Terror #~# SAN DIEGO—In an effort to run the exercise as realistically as possible, officials confirmed Tuesday that the active shooter drill at Canyon Hills High School included a part for the security guard to practice fleeing in terror. “As soon as you hear my signal over the intercom, I want teachers to lock their classrooms, students to move away from the door, and our security guard to drop his gun and hightail it,” said 43-year-old assistant principal Jody Billheimer, who reminded staff and students to remain in place until the last of the panicked security guard’s screams could be heard as he bolted out the front doors, across the parking lot, and as far away from the emergency scene as possible. “It’s very important that we get this down so that we’re prepared in the event the worst ever happens. If the alarm goes off while you are still in the hallway, please note that Mr. Franklin, our security guard here, will stampede over you on his way out, or possibly use you as a human shield as he bolts, as is clearly stated in the training manual. He’s a former police officer, so don’t worry, you can trust him to do it right.” At press time, the security guard had taken off too prematurely after getting spooked by the sound of a closing door.

Microplastics Found In Human Blood For First Time #~# Scientists have detected microplastic pollution in human blood for the first time in a study that found the tiny particles in almost 80% of the people tested, showing that the particles can travel around the body and may lodge in organs. What do you think?

Putin: J.K. Rowling And Russia Victims Of Western ‘Cancel Culture’ #~# Russian president Vladimir Putin delivered a TV address in which he claimed the west is “trying to cancel” his country, comparing the cultural boycott against Russia to J.K. Rowling being “canceled” for her opinions on transgender people. What do you think?

Lies Russian State Media Is Telling About The War #~# All Russian soldiers who were killed on enemy land are considered traitors.

Man Pretty Sure Other Person In Laundry Room Has Been Next-Door Neighbor For 12 Years #~# CHICAGO—Noting that the guy looked oddly familiar, local resident Chris Reynolds told reporters that he was pretty sure the other person he saw in his building’s laundry room Monday had been his next-door neighbor for 12 years. “Huh, yeah, I know that guy—I think we’ve lived down the hall from each other for the better part of our adult lives,” said Reynolds, adding that while he couldn’t put his finger on it, he was fairly certain he’d seen the man in passing over the last decade. “I know I’m not the best with faces, but I’m almost positive I’ve seen him entering the building, exiting the building, or getting his mail since around 2010. What was his name again? He introduced himself, like, 10 or 11 years ago. Dang.” At press time, reports confirmed Reynold’s neighbor had walked past him, looked him in the eye, and confusedly asked, “Do I know you?”

Uber Will List All NYC Taxis In App #~# Uber has announced it will partner with NYC taxis to list the city’s 13,000 yellow cabs on its app in a deal between the two competing services that comes after the ride-sharing company was hit with driver shortages due to the pandemic. What do you think?

Wealthy Couple Founds Art Museum To Foster Public Appreciation For How Wealthy They Are #~# LOS ANGELES—In a generous gift intended to enrich the lives of residents and tourists alike, wealthy couple Louise and Richard Morris launched plans Monday to establish an art museum that would foster public appreciation for exactly how wealthy they are. “When Richard and I thought about how to best put our resources to use, we immediately imagined an open and welcoming art space where the public can cultivate a greater understanding of how incredibly large our net worth is,” said the billionaire couple in a statement about the modern art museum to be known as The Morris, going on to describe the $140 million, 10,000-square-foot atrium where attendees could gather to discuss what it would be like to have the sort of money you could just throw at your passing whims. “Our affluence shouldn’t be locked away in private estates. It should be put on display in an open manner that lets visitors recognize the tremendous value that lies in our bank accounts. Seeing our wealth on display in such a magnificent way—in a place where it can be seen and never touched—can’t help but inspire everyone who visits.” At press time, the couple announced that museum tickets would cost $65.

Kamala Harris Freezes After Seeing Vice President Position Posted On White House Careers Page #~# WASHINGTON—Wondering if she had missed an email or a meeting that would help explain what was going on, Vice President Kamala Harris froze while at her computer Monday after seeing a listing for the position of Vice President posted on the White House careers page. “There can’t be two vice presidents,” said Harris, growing increasingly concerned as she scrolled through the page and discovered that the job had been listed just a few days ago and that the start date was “immediately.” “This has to be a mistake; there are job responsibilities listed in here that I don’t even have. What? The starting salary is way higher than my current pay!” At press time, Harris decided, “what the hell,” and filled out an application for the job.

SAT Rebuts Claim That Test Classist Due To Wine Tasting Portion #~# NEW YORK—Responding to long-standing criticisms of the standardized test, the College Board released a statement Monday rebutting the claim that the SAT was classist due to its wine-tasting portion. “While we appreciate concerns about this portion of the exam, we’ve repeatedly seen that the ability to sip a grenache and detect notes of black cherries or star anise strongly correlates to success in university settings and beyond,” College Board president Jeremy Singer said in the statement, forcefully pushing back on the suggestion that affluent students benefited from growing up in families who could afford to hire professional sommeliers to tutor them on the specific terroir of France’s Rhône Valley or Loire region. “There’s nothing about tannins or acidity that can’t be learned in a book, as opposed to a family trip to Napa. Put simply, anyone looking to enter higher education should be prepared to show basic reading and mathematical skills, as well as identify the difference between a 1990 and 1993 Vernaccia di San Gimignano.” Singer concluded that many of the section’s questions—such as the difference between crémant and champagne—really just came down to common sense.

Goldman Sachs CEO To DJ At Lollapalooza #~# Lollapalooza has announced this year’s music festival lineup, which includes a performance by 60-year-old Goldman Sachs CEO David Solomon, who is a dance music DJ outside his day job. What do you think?

Ginni Thomas Dismisses Text Messages To Mark Meadows As Regular, Run-Of-The-Mill Infidelity #~# WASHINGTON—Following the publication of text messages that suggested she had urged the White House chief of staff to overturn a presidential election, conservative activist Ginni Thomas told reporters Friday her controversial exchanges with Mark Meadows were nothing more than regular, run-of-the mill infidelity. “I know how it sounds, but when I texted Mark, ‘Help this Great President stand strong,’ I was referring to his penis,” said the wife of Supreme Court justice Clarence Thomas, explaining that she and Meadows had long engaged in extramarital, erotic roleplay that toyed with power in a way she understood might come across to the uninitiated as treason. “What may have sounded like talk of overturning an election was really me saying I wanted him to turn me over. And pound me. Hard. Look, these were very intimate, very private texts that were never intended for consumption by a public that can’t possibly understand how fucking hot I get when a man tells me ‘the King of Kings’ always triumphs in ‘a fight of good versus evil.’ That got me wet as a mop!” Thomas went on to explain that the only reason she attended President Trump’s rally on Jan. 6 was to find a group of patriots who would run a train on her.

Smithsonian Devotes New Exhibit To First African American To Use Whites-Only Glory Hole #~# WASHINGTON—In a tribute to a brave Civil Rights pioneer who helped the nation cross a momentous threshold, the Smithsonian Institution dedicated a new exhibit Friday to the first African American to use a whites-only glory hole. “I remember being scared, of course, with all those angry white people jeering at me as the federal troops escorted me into that bathroom stall, but I knew it was my responsibility to help make a change,” said 88-year-old Lawrence Sawchuck, recalling his work with both the Student Nonviolent Coordinating Committee and the NAACP to desegregate glory holes after the passage of the 1964 Civil Rights Act, which outlawed racial discrimination in public facilities. “Everyone knew at the time that the white glory holes received more resources and were serviced more often, and we were tired of only using holes that were marked ‘colored.’ I remember we spent a lot of time practicing for the moment in church basements. The first few times we tried, the fire department showed up and shot the fire hose through the hole at us.” Asked what surprised him most about his experience using the whites-only facility, Sawchuck remarked that he had been impressed with the generous supply of tape provided to cushion the glory hole’s jagged edges.

HBO Executives Hoping George R.R. Martin Finishes Final ‘Euphoria’ Book Before Next Season #~# NEW YORK—Expressing concern for the future of one of their most popular series, HBO executives revealed their hopes Friday that George R.R. Martin would finish writing the final Euphoria novel before it was time to start production on the show’s next season. “As a celebrated and beguiling storyteller, George is really the only one who can properly conclude this nuanced and complex narrative of Gen Z high school students struggling with issues of identity, addiction, and sex,” said executive producer Kevin Turen, explaining that the 73-year-old novelist had provided showrunners with some vague outlines as to how the series should proceed, but the storyline wouldn’t be solidified in its entirety until the last Euphoria book, Cascade Of The Realms, had been completed. “We try to stay true to the author’s vision, although die-hard Euphoria fans will of course note the differences between Martin’s sprawling novels and the show. We’ve actually gone slightly ahead of the books as of now, but we’re working closely with George to ensure we capture the authentic teenage voices of Rue, Lexi, Jules, and the rest.” Turen went on to confirm rumors that season three would finally feature the beloved dragon characters from Martin’s Euphoria books.

Celebrities Explain How They Are Helping Ukraine #~# With Russia waging an unceasing and violent war in Ukraine, Hollywood stars are stepping up and using their money, fame, and influence to help. We asked several celebrities how they are aiding Ukrainians, and this is what they said.

Biden Cuts NATO Summit Short To Squeeze In Chocolate Tour Of Brussels #~# BRUSSELS—Speaking at an uncharacteristically rapid pace to move the meeting along more quickly, President Joe Biden reportedly cut a NATO summit short Friday in order to squeeze in a chocolate tour of Brussels. “Does anyone mind if we wrap this up early? I’ve got nonrefundable tickets to the afternoon chocolate tour, and it’s not as if this crisis won’t be here tomorrow,” said Biden, who slammed his document folders shut and shoved them toward an aide before rubbing his hands together, audibly humming “Chocolate, chocolate, chocolate town,” patting his stomach, and bidding the foreign dignitaries adieu. “Please, don’t be mad. I’ve been wanting to do this forever, and I’m so rarely in the area—in fact, it’s half the reason I agreed to attend this in person. Don’t get me wrong, I care about the urgent issues at hand, but right now I am needed at a variety of sampling stations around the city to experience the sweet, creamy sensations of Belgian chocolate. I have an idea—why don’t you all come with? It’s only like 35 bucks a pop. But promise—no shop talk when there’s chocolate present.” At press time, sources confirmed NATO members had agreed to call it a day after unilaterally signing off on an agreement to send Ukraine a box of truffles.

Planned Parenthood Unveils New Heat-Seeking Abortion Drone #~# NEW YORK—Touting its state-of-the-art technology capable of detecting a fetus just three weeks after conception, Planned Parenthood announced Friday that it had developed and built its first fully functional heat-seeking abortion drone. “This drone, which features an intrauterine infrared camera and 3,000 pounds of anti-embryonic missiles, can seek and destroy a clump of cells the size of a pinhead,” said CEO Alexis McGill Johnson, adding that the unmanned aerial vehicle, which reportedly has a range of 1,200 miles and can be piloted from any Planned Parenthood clinic, is capable of recording detailed ultrasounds and eliminating a target during any phase of gestation. “Thanks to the more than $50 million in government funding we received for this project, we finally have an abortion drone that will keep our doctors safe while performing abortions from 50,000 feet in the air. We’ve already deployed it in remote, previously inaccessible parts of the United States, and have eliminated countless embryos with minimal civilian casualties.” At press time, Planned Parenthood acknowledged reports that pro-life protestors had shot the abortion drone straight out of the sky right as it was about to strike a wedding.

Kid Rock Claims Trump Sought His Advice On North Korea, Islamic State #~# Music performer Kid Rock has claimed in a recent interview that former President Donald Trump asked him for advice about U.S. policy on North Korea and the Islamic State while visiting the White House in 2017. What do you think?

Lindsey Graham Bursts Into Confirmation Hearing With Rifle, Demands Senators Free The Children Now #~# WASHINGTON—Sending frightened lawmakers and staffers scattering for the exit, Lindsey Graham (R-SC) reportedly burst into Ketanji Brown Jackson’s Supreme Court confirmation hearing Thursday brandishing a rifle and demanding that the senators free the children now. “Where are they? I know you’re hiding them,” said Graham, who moved from dais to dais pointing the barrel of his gun under the platform and shouting, “Aha!” before shooting open a locked door only to discover a small, empty office. “Are they in the Senate basement? I know there are secret tunnels, I read about it online! I won’t let you get away with this. I have evidence Hillary Clinton has been here. Can you hear me, kids? I’m coming for you.” At press time, Josh Hawley (R-MO) created a Twitter thread calling the incident a false-flag operation.

‘The Bachelor’ Turns 20 #~# The first episode of reality TV show The Bachelor aired Mar. 25, 2002, kicking off a juggernaut dating-show franchise that has so far featured 26 seasons and multiple spinoffs, including The Bachelorette. The Onion looks back at the most memorable moments from The Bachelor’s first 20 years.

BREAKING: Former Secretary Of State Condoleezza Rice, 67, Will Die #~# STANFORD, CA—Offering sympathy and verifying widespread reports about the former secretary of state’s health, sources confirmed Thursday that Condoleezza Rice, 67, will die one day. “It is with great sadness and a heavy heart that I share with you the news that Secretary Rice, who dutifully served her country throughout a distinguished career in public service, is eventually going to pass away,” said a source close to Rice’s family, who requested that details concerning the death of the first African American woman to lead the State Department not be released to the public, as they were not yet known. “The renowned diplomat and former national security advisor will be dearly missed by those who knew and loved her best. But thanks to the indelible mark she made on our nation’s foreign policy, her formidable legacy will remain long after she leaves this world, whenever that may be.” At press time, sources asked Americans to bow their heads and observe a moment of silence until Rice had finally died.

Workers Repairing Notre Dame Discover Ancient Tombs #~# Archaeologists working on Paris’ Notre Dame cathedral following its devastating fire in 2019 discovered several tombs under the floor of the famous church that likely date back to the 14th century. What do you think?

The Onion’s Test Sweatshop Helps You Find The Perfect Spring-Cleaning Products #~# Deciding which products will fulfill your basic needs or fill that gaping hole in your heart can be stressful. The Onion’s Test Sweatshop is here to help. Every product we recommend has been tested for over 50,000 hours by our army of indentured product testers. The Onion doesn’t make any money off these recommendations because we couldn’t figure out how.

U.S. Announces It Will Allow Ukrainian Refugees After Deporting 100,000 Central Americans Seeking Asylum #~# WASHINGTON—In the face of international criticism over not accepting enough people fleeing the war-torn nation, U.S. officials announced Thursday that they would admit Ukrainian refugees after deporting 100,000 Central American asylum-seekers. “We must do our part to support those fleeing Russia’s horrific attacks, and once we open up the spots by expelling migrants from our southern border, we will accept up to 100,000 refugees from Ukraine,” said President Joe Biden, adding that the program would focus on admitting Ukrainian refugees who could take the jobs previously held by migrants sent back to their home countries. “Even now, agents from the Department of Homeland Security have begun to raid homes, workplaces, and houses of worship for undocumented immigrants, who will be immediately flown back to Honduras or wherever they come from. We will welcome Ukrainians escaping the violence with the warm bed just vacated by some Hispanic guy we captured and sent back to Mexico. It is important in this tragic moment that we support European—and only European—refugees and asylum-seekers.” Biden added that the United States reserved the right to deport the Ukrainian refugees if asylum-seekers from a more Western country came along.

‘Bulletin Of The Atomic Scientists’ Demands $10 Trillion Or It Will Destroy Earth By Setting Clock To Midnight #~# CHICAGO—Daring world leaders to test its resolve in an address recorded late Wednesday night, the Bulletin Of The Atomic Scientists announced that if it did not receive $10 trillion in unmarked bills this week it would destroy the Earth by setting its clock to midnight. “Citizens of Earth, we have long served as stewards of your puny globe, safeguarding it from destruction with our Doomsday Clock, and today we demand you recognize our sacrifice with a simple monetary donation—say, $10 trillion?” said the publication’s president, Rachel Bronson, in a message delivered simultaneously to all 193 member states of the U.N., threatening to set the clock forward by one second for every hour that its demands were not met. “Since time immemorial, we overseers at the Bulletin have been responsible for averting countless catastrophes with this all-powerful timekeeping instrument, and now we ask: Will you be the generation that allows humanity to be extinguished for a measly few trillion dollars? You have heard our demands. My finger is already on the minute hand. Now what shall you do?” At press time, Bronson had stressed to world leaders that the Doomsday Clock was at 100 seconds to midnight before adding, “Ticktock, ticktock, ticktock.”

Dick Cheney Figures Enough Time Has Passed To Go Into Favorite Iraqi Restaurant Again #~# WASHINGTON—Assuming it was all water under the bridge at this point, former Vice President Dick Cheney told reporters Thursday that he figured enough time had passed for him to be able to dine again at his favorite Iraqi restaurant in the D.C. area. “I haven’t been to Sinbad’s in 20 years, but surely by now it wouldn’t be too weird I stopped in for some masgouf,” said Cheney, referring to the popular Iraqi dish of grilled and seasoned river fish, which he had not had the opportunity to enjoy since his 2008 visit to the heavily fortified Green Zone in Baghdad. “I mean, they must know the whole occupation didn’t have anything to do with them, right? I’m probably being overly self-conscious. I’m sure [restaurant owner] Mustafa [al-Ibrahim] would love to catch up over a hot, nourishing bowl of pacha.” At press time, Cheney had reportedly arrived at the Dupont Circle restaurant and discovered it was a pile of rubble.

Match Launches Dating App For Single Parents #~# Match rolled out a new service called Stir that aims to remove barriers to dating and meet the specific needs of single parents that aren’t typically addressed on mainstream dating apps. What do you think?

Californians Explain Why They Left For Texas #~# Due to its low taxes, affordable home prices, and strong job market, Texas has become a very appealing place to live for many West Coasters. The Onion asked several people why they moved from California to Texas, and this is what they said.

Please Like Me #~# It can be strange, sometimes, to be me. I’m the wealthiest man on the planet, for starters. Leaders across America, and indeed the world, look to me as a visionary driving technological progress in areas from transportation, to communication, to becoming a multi-planetary species. The kinds of projects I’m involved in would blow most people’s minds. To the outside observer, I’m sure it seems like I have it all. And maybe I do. Although I’d like to make one simple request:

U.S. Declares Myanmar Committed Genocide Against Rohingya #~# The Biden administration has formally declared that Myanmar’s military committed genocide and crimes against humanity against the Rohingya, a determination that human rights groups have been advocating for years. What do you think?

Disney Opens New Immersive ‘Star Wars’-Themed Gay Conversion Camp #~# BAY LAKE, FL—Boasting of an exciting new experience for die-hard fans who want to “join the rebellion” against their homosexual desires, Disney announced Wednesday the grand opening of an immersive Star Wars–themed gay conversion camp. “At our new Jedi Cure Center, gays and lesbians of all ages can visit a galaxy far, far away, where they will be taught by their favorite Star Wars characters that their sexual orientation is a path to the dark side of the force,” Disney CEO Bob Chapek said of the new $3,000-per-day camp at which clients will be greeted by an animatronic Yoda that tells them being “queer leads to anger, anger leads to hate, and hate leads to suffering.” “Guests will visit the Jedi Temple, where members of the High Council will condemn their deviant behavior and order them to face trials to achieve the rank of heterosexual. Later, in the Emperor’s throne room, they will view photos of attractive members of the same sex before Palpatine administers 450-volt electric shocks to punish them for their arousal. For extreme cases, we even have Boba Fett and Jabba the Hutt standing by to stop our guests from being gay by freezing them in carbonite.” Chapek added that at the end of their stay, fans would be allowed to choose a blue or pink lightsaber in accordance with the gender assigned to them at birth.

Biggest Oscar Snubs 2022 #~# The 94th Academy Awards will take place this Sunday, March 27, but not all movie fans are happy with the films, actors, and personnel up for awards this year. The Onion looks at the biggest snubs for the Oscars 2022.

What To Say If Your Kid Catches You Doing Drugs #~# Drugs might be a normal and acceptable part of your adult life, but once you’ve taught your kids that drugs are bad, what do you do? If your kid ever catches you getting high, here is what you should say.

Whimsical NASA Launches Single Balloon Into Outer Space #~# HOUSTON—Watching from mission control, where they whistled carefree tunes and capered about the room in an improvised, frolicsome dance, whimsical flight directors at NASA confirmed Wednesday they had launched a single balloon into outer space. “T-minus 30 seconds to liftoff of our solitary red balloon, which will float gently through this brave overhanging firmament—this majestic roof alight with starry wonder!” said NASA administrator Bill Nelson, who added that the balloon, christened Imagination 1, would be propelled by stardust in its mission to make contact with a little boy who lived on a far-distant moon, perhaps in another solar system. “We have our finest astronaut, Captain Wollingford J. Walmsley, standing by on the launchpad, where he has drawn a smiley face upon the balloon and now waits to release its string. All the hopes and wishes have been loaded on board, and we are ready to send our tiny dirigible on its serendipitous sojourn in three…two…one… Yippee!” At press time, NASA officials announced that every fanciful dream aboard the vessel had perished after the balloon caught upon the point of a star and popped.

Troubling Study Links Childhood Obesity With Increased Risk Of Adult Anime Consumption #~# NEW YORK—A comprehensive five-year study conducted by scientists at Columbia University’s Irving Medical Center found a troubling link between childhood obesity and an increased risk of adult anime consumption, officials confirmed Wednesday. “Our study found that overweight and obese children are far more likely to continue watching shows like Fullmetal Alchemist, Haikyu!!, and One-Punch Man well into adulthood,” said Dr. Annabelle Worth, whose research indicated that heavyset children were also prone to experience related consequences for years to come, such as collecting Mobile Suit Gundam model kits, wearing Death Note T-shirts in public, or even decorating their office desk with Aggretsuko plushies. “Unfortunately, attempts to make a dent in this alarming epidemic through healthy eating and exercise have largely failed to contain the number of Americans in their 20s and 30s who can sing the entirety of the OP song to Evangelion in Japanese. This creates a vicious cycle in which many of these adults pass their anime and manga consumption habit onto their children. Simply put, the country is on a very frightening trajectory.” Worth added that if policymakers don’t act now, there was little hope of keeping the coming generation from becoming well-functioning adults who only watch some of the more acclaimed Studio Ghibli films.

New Apple Privacy Feature Allows iPhone Users To Silence All Calls From People Who Love Them #~# CUPERTINO, CA—Noting the feature would come preinstalled on all phones, Apple unveiled a new privacy setting Wednesday that would allow iPhone users to silence all calls from people who love them. “With this update, your phone won’t ring or even notify you that people who deeply care about your mental and emotional well-being are attempting to get in touch with you,” said CEO Tim Cook, who confirmed that users would have the ability to increase the filter strength if they would prefer not to hear from coworkers or acquaintances, either. “We heard your complaints about enduring seemingly incessant calls from people wondering if you’re okay, and we listened. All incoming calls, FaceTime requests, and texts from moms, dads, and worried older siblings will now be sent directly to voicemail and instantly deleted. Rest assured, you’ll never endure another ‘I love you’ or ‘How have you been doing?’ again.” At press time, iOS developers were reportedly working to patch a bug that was failing to filter out calls from friends who feel like family.

David Beckham Hands Over Instagram Account To Ukrainian Doctor #~# Soccer star David Beckham has handed over control of his Instagram account to a doctor in Ukraine as part of a bid to highlight the “amazing work” of medical professionals caring for patients amid Russia’s invasion. What do you think?

Clarence Thomas Hospitalized With Flu-Like Symptoms #~# Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas was admitted to the Sibley Memorial Hospital in Washington where he is being treated for an infection. Court officials said he plans to still take part in cases despite missing oral arguments. What do you think?

Senate Republicans Attack Ketanji Brown Jackson’s Lack Of Experience On U.S. Supreme Court #~# WASHINGTON—Arguing that the glaring gap in her record raised serious questions about her fitness for the role, Senate Republicans spent Tuesday’s nomination hearings attacking Judge Ketanji Brown Jackson for her lack of experience on the U.S. Supreme Court. “Judge Jackson, I’m struggling to understand how you expect to serve on the the highest court in the land without having spent a single day as a Supreme Court justice,” said Sen. Mike Lee (R-UT), stressing that by contrast, every current member of the court had spent at least a year, and in some cases decades, sitting on the Supreme Court. “Am I correct in noting that you are not now, nor have you ever been, an associate justice or chief justice of the U.S. Supreme Court? What exactly are your qualifications here?” Lee concluded by noting that he believed Justice Brett Kavanaugh had served a distinguished tenure as a Supreme Court justice before becoming a Supreme Court justice.

Josh Hawley Slams Ketanji Brown Jackson For Letting Pedophiles Like Himself Walk Free #~# WASHINGTON—Calling attention to the U.S. Supreme Court nominee’s “extremely troubling” record, Sen. Josh Hawley (R-MO) slammed Ketanji Brown Jackson Tuesday for letting pedophiles like himself walk free. “There should be no room for leniency when it comes to sentencing depraved child sex offenders like me,” said Hawley, who grilled the judge for failing to lock him securely behind bars in a super-maximum security prison where “dangerous freaks” like him belonged. “This country isn’t safe with people like me roaming around out there. Frankly, it’s sickening that I’m even allowed in this room, let alone public office. I’m literally looking at child porn on my phone right now, and what’s she doing? Just sitting there.” At press time, Hawley added it showed a disturbing lack of judgment that Jackson would even listen to him speak.

Speech That Will Get You Arrested In Russia #~# While Americans enjoy freedom of speech, citizens in heavily censored autocratic regimes experience the complete opposite. If Russian citizens say any of the following things, they will be arrested and punished immediately.

Man Wishes He Knew Enough About Cars To Tell If Repair Really Costs One Blow Job #~# OGDEN, UT—Admitting that it wasn’t his area of expertise, a customer at local service center Barry’s Tire and Automotive told reporters Tuesday that he wished he knew enough about cars to tell if a repair on his Hyundai Elantra should really cost one whole blow job. “I should have done some research beforehand so I’d at least know if this kind of work was worth giving head for,” said area man Jared Adler, who added that sucking off a mechanic seemed like a lot to spend, but he didn’t actually know how much new brake pads and rotors were going for these days. “I don’t want to get cheated like last time, when I needed my tires rotated and way overpaid with a whole rim job. Maybe I can find someone who’ll do it for just a long make-out session.” At press time, sources confirmed Adler had called his father, who suggested he try talking the mechanic down to a simple tug job.

TurboTax Threatens To Tell IRS Customer Cheated On Taxes Unless They Upgrade To Deluxe Version #~# PAHRUMP, NV—A local woman doing her taxes Thursday reportedly didn’t know what to do after an onscreen message from TurboTax threatened to tell the IRS that she cheated on her taxes unless she upgraded to the deluxe version of the tax preparation software. “We’ve got all your information now, and we can easily change a few numbers here or there, maybe add a couple red flags—but of course all that can go away for an additional $99.99,” read the message, adding that if the woman chose not to upgrade, she risked IRS agents coming to her house and starting a years-long investigation that could land her in prison for tax fraud. “With TurboTax Deluxe, you can rest easy knowing that we’ve gone through over 350 potential deductions and credits to maximize your refund, and we won’t tell the IRS that your claimed dependents are actually dead and you’ve been scamming the government. It’s not too late to save yourself from years and years of headaches and massive fines. It’s simple: Just click the button to upgrade, and we won’t use your Social Security number to open a bunch of accounts in the Maldives and then inform the IRS you’ve been shielding most of your income from taxation. The choice is yours. You have five minutes.” At press time, the TurboTax customer had upgraded to TurboTax Deluxe and was reading another message suggesting that she upgrade to TurboTax Premier if she didn’t want to see all of her financial accounts emptied and to ultimately lose her home.

Tokyo Schools Drop Dress Code Rules Regulating Hair And Underwear Color #~# Tokyo school officials announced they will drop controversial dress code policies for high school students, including those regulating hairstyles and underwear color and patterns. What do you think?

Chicago Police Department Lowers Hiring Standards Amid Staffing Shortages #~# The Chicago Police Department is lowering hiring standards for new recruits by dropping the college credit requirement for some candidates, as the agency continues to face staffing shortages related to Covid as well as a local and national reckoning with policing. What do you think?

Exterminator Shows Off Trophy Room Filled With Mounted Heads Of Insects #~# ORLANDO, FL—With a grandiose gesture toward the dozens of 1-inch-square wooden plaques lining the walls, local exterminator Keith Dunford invited reporters into his trophy room Friday to show off the mounted heads of insects he had hunted down. “This here is an Eastern subterranean termite whose colony I single-handedly wiped out, and over there we have the Tortugas carpenter ant, famed scourge of the Greater Orlando area,” said a visibly beaming Dunford, who then held up an old photo of himself wearing a full-face respirator mask and kneeling next to the lifeless carapace of a 3-inch cockroach he had once tracked for miles and killed with a single shot of boric acid. “I’ve poisoned more than 50 species of arthropods across every county in Central Florida, but I’ve never seen a specimen as beautiful as the one I took down that day. Just look at those antennae! That right there is a two-point roach.” Dunford added that while he’d like to hang up his pump sprayer and retire, he could not rest until he had wrought vengeance upon the brown recluse spider that bit and killed his brother during a routine extermination at a condominium complex 30 years ago.

Executive On Deathbed Requests Obituary Be Optimized For SEO #~# NEW YORK—Motioning for his family to come closer so they could hear his final wishes, corporate executive Roland Drexler reportedly requested on his deathbed Monday that his obituary be optimized for SEO. “After I’m gone, I’ll need you to make sure the notice of my death ranks high in organic search results on Google and Bing,” said Drexler, who emphasized the need to optimize his obituary for viewability by using keywords like “visionary” and “leader,” and perhaps a few terms that would piggyback off current events, such as the war in Ukraine, high gas prices, and NCAA basketball. “Make sure this short account of my life and accomplishments generates the kind of qualified traffic that I want to be remember for. Should be at least 1,600 words, and maybe even make it a slideshow to cash in on that click-through rate.” At press time, sources confirmed Drexler had passed away, and his obituary, “You’ll Never Believe What This CEO Looks Like Now,” was trending on social media.

Kamala Harris Enrolls In 6-Week Coding Boot Camp #~# WASHINGTON—In an effort to give herself a competitive edge in the job market, Vice President Kamala Harris confirmed Monday that she had enrolled in a six-week coding boot camp. “It’s kind of expensive, but I’m sure it will all pay off once I get a new gig,” said Harris, who expressed her hope that learning the basics of JavaScript, SQL, and Python could help her get an entry-level position at a tech company, or better yet, a transfer to the White House IT department, where she had already made some connections. “I don’t want to get left behind, and coding’s pretty much the future, from what I’ve heard. Plus, I heard it pays a ton. I can’t even imagine making six figures. Man, it’d be so cool to finally get my own apartment.” At press time, Harris was reportedly sharing the brochure with Joe Biden after the president had expressed interest.

Therapist Gives Slight Wince Of Recognition After Hearing Which Friend Recommended Her To New Patient #~# CHICAGO—Frowning as she prepared herself to “buckle up for this one,” local psychotherapist Heather Gottlieb reportedly gave a slight wince of recognition Monday after hearing which friend had recommended her to David Keflani, the new patient currently in her office. “Oh, right, yes, Josh,” said Gottlieb, fidgeting in her chair as she tried to figure out which one of the malignant narcissists in her client Josh Tapplemore’s friend group was now seated across from her. “He said I could help you? That’s very interesting. Are you one of his [enabler] friends or [abusive] family members?” Moments later, Gottlieb had physically recoiled and stifled a gasp when she realized exactly which friend Keflani was, with sources confirming she abruptly ended the session and said she wasn’t taking any new clients.

Building Code Violation Fines Leave Landlord With No Choice But To Raise Rent #~# NEW YORK—Asking tenants to please stop reporting infractions lest they exacerbate the hike, local landlord Matthew Prero confirmed Monday that the building code violation fines he was facing left him with no choice but to raise rents. “Look, I don’t like doing this, either, but my hands are tied here,” said Prero, who explained that although he hated to be “the bad guy,” the mounting cost of state-issued fines was going to result in a $150 monthly rent increase for every tenant in the building. “A small annual rent increase is to be expected, what with fines from the occasional missing smoke detectors and whatnot, but this is just getting out of control. It’s annoying, too, because a lot of these issues just recently cropped up in the past 20 years or so. I already painted the collapsed porch steps—what else do they expect me to do?” At press time, Prero warned that tenants should probably start preparing themselves not to receive their security deposits back, especially if the state ended up taking him to court.