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R-Arfin

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Depression

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I can’t help but be resentful due to my childhood (father edition)

This is just one long rant, father edition. From the time I was born, it was for the wrong reasons. My mother wanted a companion, my father was a narcissist who found a good deal. Due to my mother’s mommy issues she has never been good at making friends or not having fucked up ideals of boundaries. Since I was a child I’ve felt extremely uncomfortable with my father. Even in photos where I was a toddler or a kid I am always squirming away from my father or having a strained face. I can even remember vividly many moments I wished that he was not my father and I did not have to deal with him. Why? He was a violent and aggressive coward who got WAY too touchy with me. I could never feel at ease around him or feel safe wearing anything that covered my entire leg and arms. He had many weird habits and kept taking every chance to touch my legs. Or…. I’d really not talk about it here, I still have trauma regarding many of these incidents. It sucked really hard because I was a fashionista (passion for fashion still going strong today) who wanted to be pretty and wear dresses, bikinis, sleeveless, shorts, etc. I LIVE IN A TROPICAL COUNTRY FFS. It’s hot in here! Even if not I think my body is NOT RESPONSIBLE for a fucking grown man’s assault. Way to ruin my childhood. Throughout all this, I was very withdrawn and cowering in fear ALL the time. Adults and children alike always bullied me for it because, JUST STOP BEING SHY AND BLEND IN, RIGHT?!?! Wrong. I cannot do that because I was so terrorized I thought I was sinning by being alive. I could not speak to anyone I wasn’t familiar with without it being a one on one whispering session. Now there is so many dynamics at play contributing to this. My Asian family couldn’t begin to comprehend children or being normal aside from encouraging bullying children. My matriarchal grandma is a narcissist herself, however way less brutal and better at masking than my father could ever hope to be. She did not really play a big role until much later on, so she won’t really be in the post. Constant yelling and screaming matches coloured my childhood impression. I had to keep my head down or be the target of unrestrained egos. I could not turn to anybody, my own mother seemed like she hated me. I was constantly sick, I was allergic to her favourite nail polish collection, which she had to throw away, I was used as an excuse to start many her husband’s unreasonable fights. Why did a child need so much? A Barbie doll certainly didn’t. Her dog didn’t. I used to be so afraid of my mother, and when I tried to turn to her she would gaslight me like hell or withdraw her affection. I seemed to forgot this growing up, because honestly her behavior and temperament had a HUGE glow up in my teenage years. I began to think she was an Angel who deserved praise and protection for being in this psychotic family. Until she backstabbed me and I learned the hard way, no she is not on my side and even blatantly protected her abusive husband and mother, telling me everything must be my fault. Don’t get me wrong, my mother has a good heart. It’s the mentality that hurts people. Who is all good or all evil anyway, out of the many people I’ve met I’d say my mother is the more tolerable kind and NOT an insufferable asshole at least. It could be because of the warring narcissist faction, my grandma leading her own cult of brainwashed bootlickers and my father trying to start his own cult which never took off that caused everyone (including my mother, but she always takes pity on him ROFL) to hate him and pander to my grandma, or maybe because everyone is somehow aware of the shit he has done in some way. Even subway staff are exposed to his tirades, so maybe the latter. Growing up I was always confused as to why my grandma bitterly hated my dad. I asked her multiple times but she would never divulge why. Several reasons, one of them turns out to be: not long before my parent’s marriage, a woman was looking for him. It seemed to be someone romantically involved with him, because it wouldn’t otherwise explain my grandma’s expression while retelling it. As a child and a teenager, I unfortunately chanced upon his porn addiction. Which during lockdown he had the gall to ask me for help for; his 15GB google account that reached its limit was overflowing with it and he wanted to save more. He didn’t outright show the pornos but…. COUGH he is nearly tech illiterate so you can imagine. Plus that “Japanese porn” bookmark was not doing him any favors. I was not very surprised since 7, he used to “accidentally” receive pornos while I borrowed his phone. He also received photos where he posed with pretty women half his age. Meant nothing on its own, but when I peeked at his text message list a lot were pretty women posing coyly. Could be a coincidence, right? Scrolled his app pages and found him to be on many dating apps. I noted down these app names and searched them on my own, signed up for fake profiles but unfortunately I could not find him as he was too cautious and you can only match with randoms. There was no search button at all. Now this does not bother me, after some serious psychological issues I had I cannot be in the same vicinity as my father without freezing, fleeing, breaking down or something. Nobody understands why or what happened but I’m not going to push the matter anymore cause it’s taken too much of my life already I’m just trying to move on. I don’t have any job yet, saving to get out of this hellhole but it’s far from easy.

Am I messing up my life?

Questioning my life choices so I’m thankful for any advice, sorry if my english is not perfect, it’s my second language. At the end of last year my (25F) bf of 3,5 years suddenly left me and it turned my life upside down completely. Since then I moved around the city, was trying to create new plans for myself and trying to figure out what to do with my life. I’ve always wanted to travel for a longer period of time, so when I found out about the australian working holiday visa and that I can work to fund my travelling but still be pretty free I decided I’ll do that and have a gap year. I did a language exam, been saving money and preparing myself since March this year. A month ago I finally applied for the visa and although I haven’t got it yet today I resigned from my job (I have a 2 month notice period and wanted to get it started). My boss’s boss who’s a director had a call with me and tried to convince me to stay and said that I will regret leaving this job later (I work at a multinational company, they pay me well for my age but I’m not too fond of it). My parents also have a hard time understanding why would I leave my safe and comfortable life and give up everything just to travel. Honestly I feel scared leaving everything I know behind, that I will run out of money before I have a job in Australia, that I will miss home too much etc..but I feel like it would be such a life changing experience and would do it regardless. However hearing these concerns from people older than me makes me question my decisions..Am I messing up my life?

I’ve been away from my home town and family for five weeks and my mental health is better than it’s been in a while

I 17f have been away from home for over a month for college summer classes and my mental health is better than it’s been in years. I love my family but this is a vacation I need tbh

I have never felt more free

I have never felt more free, so free, than when my mother decided to move out and live in a condo away from us. Nothing bad happened, no one fought, we just had that property recently and it was closer to where she worked. My sister and I agreed to it because it's more efficient for us and so we have the house all to ourselves including my five cats and one dog. My mother and I never really had a good relationship with each other. I spent most of my childhood being taken care of by my aunt, cousins, and grandma. My father was perpetually absent as well but provided as if he were present anyway so it didn't bother us a lot. In those times when our mother was actually present, I acted more of a parent for both her and my sister so that my entire emotional development was built around making sure she was entertained and calm. They still fund our education, we just live in separate spaces. She doesn't know I feel this way and I am more than happy to keep it that way.

i've been LSS with "it's friday then, saturday sunday what!" it keeps playing on my mind while having sex

i got fond of f1 recently so my fyp kinda have clips from the racers, particularly lando norris singing "it's friday then... saturday sunday what?!" for radio check. now i was having a sex with this guy and i feel so awful for having a song stuck on my mind while doing the deed. lol.

My partner's mental state is taking a toll on the relationship and I'm losing hope

So the title already says something, but basically we have been together for quite some time. In the last few months or so thing have taken a turn for the worse. His family life is unstable and he's been going through a lot of stressful and awful stuff. His difficult life situation and depressive behaviour had been affecting our relationship, but we were aware it was mostly caused by the conditions he (and in extension me) was in. Now the conditions have improve significantly, but he is getting worse. He's constantly exhausted and tired ; he barely does anything. I have to fight with teeth and claw to get him out of the house anymore. This is taking a massive toll on our relationship. His depressive behaviour is making him less affectionate and more irritable, which has resulted in basically no affection (outside of sex) and him snapping at me and others more often. He's not himself. I have been trying to get him out of the house, but he refuses. I have to be the one to go to him, because he refuses to come meet me anywhere due to it being too cumbersome for him. We went from seeing our friends, hanging out and taking part in activities daily to him rotting away in his house. I don't know what to do. He refuses to get help, everything I've done to try to help him has been turned down. I'm worried for him, but trying to desperately help him when he just doesn't seem to want to be helped is tiring me out. This is taking a really massive toll on our relationship. I feel like nothing I do can make him feel better unless it's sex, but even that has changed. I don't know what to do. I'm exhausted and starting to doubt if he even loves me anymore or if he is just tolerating me because breaking up would be too exhausting and tiring for him. I don't know how much longer I can do this.

Venting: feel like my life is spiraling

Well I don’t really know where to start but here it goes. I lost my dad about 10 months ago to cancer, I was his only child, his baby girl. We found out about his cancer in august of 2022 then a month later he died. It was stage 4 colon cancer that was spreading at an alarming rate when we found out and he started deteriorating so fast it was unreal. All my family left me when I needed them the most and didn’t want to help which is understandable because who wants to be around someone dying. I stepped up and took care of him, going to work, coming back to take care of him. Before his end, he lost his ability to walk, didn’t want to eat, loss his ability to control his bowel movements so I had to bathe and clean my dad which didn’t bother me at all cause he would of done the same for me. The cancer changed how he looked, like it aged him 20 years… he was so gaunt and his bones were all showing. I was so stressed because I didn’t want my dad to die yet, I wasn’t ready for him to leave. I lost so much weight myself because I put his needs before myself. The day he passed I was with him and I watched him take his last breath at home… I was glad his suffering was over but mine was really just beginning cause I was 21 and we really had so many plans and i don’t think we ever saw this type of fate coming. Sorry for the long sad story but I had to step up and really become an adult. I’ve never been so broke in my life but I believe everything happens for a reason. I was supposed to start nursing school the month he died but prior to the start date I had to tell my nursing instructors about my dad and I would be his full time caregiver and they understood. Life sucks but I know it won’t be like this forever. I miss my dad so much, he was amazing and I know he would be proud of me for trying the best I can. Love you dad, see you again tomorrow one day.

He died in the car one stoplight away from the vet.

My wife had this cat. Absolute asshole of a thing. He used to shit under the comforter on our bed when he was mad at us for something (like applying flea preventatives or because we were gone longer than an hour.) I loved him so much. He has been sick for awhile with a chronic condition. We knew his time with us was gonna be not as much as we hoped, but all indications were that he was doing okay. About a week ago, he stopped eating. A few days ago, he stopped drinking. We couldn't even get his medication in him. We went to the vet twice this week. Monday was blood tests and fluids. I didn't sleep, I dreaded the results. I dreaded what it would do to my wife. We got the call: nothing. His kidneys were fine. No sign of infection, no diabetes, no liver failure. Nothing. We got an appetite stimulant and he got some subq fluids. He had been seen the previous Saturday and given a good prognosis. His x-rays were clear, he had no signs of poisoning or neurological damage. The vet wanted him back tomorrow... well, today, now. But he took a turn this afternoon and I knew we were in trouble. I spent 3 hours driving across 3 counties to different hospitals. The first one sent me to the second one, the second one told me to go back to the first one. "No doctor until 6pm!" I then had one more option. An hour away. In a severe thunderstorm. During rush hour. In a part of town I avoid because it contains 2 of the top 10 most dangerous intersections in the state. I went. I went for my boy. I went for my wife. He declined the whole way there. And at the last light, not even half a mile away, he gasped... and expired. My wife was so brave. She didn't scream. She was in the back seat with him. He was trying to get out of his carrier into her lap. He was scared. He didn't want to be alone. I wish I could have gotten there, given him a peaceful death. I feel like I failed him. I feel like I failed my wife. I'm traumatized enough having heard him leave us, she was right there with him. The hospital was so good to us. They let us spend time with him and are taking care of his body. We should have his ashes before the weekend. My wife is sleeping next to me. I'm trying so hard not to sob loud enough to wake her up. I'm trying not to upset our remaining pets. I know that there isn't anything I could have done. I know that I tried my best. I am, however, going to get a good rest ... and rain hellfire reviews on the two hospitals that turned us away. They advertise as 24/7 facilities that can take any emergency walk-in. Well. They are not as advertised. They caused me so much pain today. If you have a cat, please hug them. And if you have a spouse, hug them too. I'm so sorry, little dude ... I'm so sorry.

just hate life

Is it too much to ask for to just be able to live a normal life like others around me just so fuckign angry at my self, at the world right now why cant people treat each other like people?!?! The amount of hatred i am feeling is unbelievable, why must i as a adult put on a i am fine mask everyday while internaly stuggling why just why the fuck do I just want to disappear I just want to be happy like i was when i was a child have fun living my life despite my family physically and emotonaly abusing me, violating my privacy yet now as and adult they are no longer like that but i can berely function as a human being... why is just living a chore aaaaaaaaa fuck this world man is it too much to ask to just beable to not feel like my insides emotonaly want to die or are aasworling pool of bull shit that i have to hold back half the time.

I wish I was white.

I’m an Asian woman living in America. I’m jealous of the white girls who get to feel beautiful and wanted. I get angry when I watch a movie and it’s always of a beautiful white girl who gets fallen in love with. Guys don’t see me like this. They see me as the Asian girl they fetishize but never fall in love with romantically because they are embarrassed to actually date me. I want to feel desired in a way that’s romantic and loving. I’m jealous that white girls have an easier time dating and they are every guys preference due to colourism.

I really Love my older brother lol

“Please you can take all that mine Just don’t take what’s theirs, it hurts so much more.” This is a little stupid quote I made that I relate to very deeply because when I was younger my mother would threaten to throw away my brother’s toys (he had O.D.D). This would scare me so I would beg my mom not to throw away his stuff even if the reason he got in trouble was because he would punch me in the stomach and I wouldn’t breathe for a second. He would scream at me a lot and smack me. It hurt so much more to see my brother's stuff get thrown in a trash bag then when it was my own stuff it made me so happy to see my brother play with his stupid Legos and come to me with a big smile on his face to show the Lego set he finished I love my brother so much. Sorry this is such a mess I just wanted to talk about my brother.

Really alone.

Last Thursday I ended up having to call the police on my kid. Its a long story of cyclical behaviour and I had enough. I've been on my own in the house ever since and it's made me realise just how alone I am and how many of my 'friends' just aren't. I have a couple of people I've been speaking to, my first ever boyfriend who I haven't seen in person for probably 10+ years and a friend I've known since just before my kid was born who also lives miles away and is going through a divorce. I've realised that if I just ceased to exist, nobody would actually notice. My kid has made no effort to apologise, being arrested and shown photos of the injuries inflicted during interview did absolutely nothing. The officer that came to inform me that no further action would be taken told me that their demeanour during the arrest and interview process was of nonchalance and arrogance. No care or remorse that I'd been hurt. Albeit not seriously but hurt all the same. There isn't much keeping me going right now. I have health issues that are currently undetermind but affect me every day to the point that I can't live the life that was my normal and its clear I have no one around me helping, supporting or even caring what happens to me and I'm closer than ever to just giving up.

Found out my Fiancé was cheating on me after 5 year together…

Hi So I 25F and my Fiancé 25M met 5 years ago we were long distance for 4 years but last year we got engaged and he moved back to my city, since our culture doesn’t allow him to move in with me till marriage, we still do not live together but we do see each other daily and he even comes for sleepovers. Last week I was on his phone ordering food when I came across an App called Tango, I knew that was an App for calls that has now changed into an App for Lives so I thought nothing of it when I saw it on his phone especially when he hadn’t even made an account yet. Out of curiosity I downloaded the APP and all I saw was girls going live showing off thier bodies and making sexy moves Still I thought nothing of it and ignored it. A week later I was also ordering food and when closing the open apps on his phone I saw the App Tango which means he had opened it and it was not just one of the 100s of Apps he has but doesn’t use. He was next to me and saw me seeing that it’s open, he IMMEDIATELY snatched the phone out of my hand, I said nothing I stood still in complete shock not aware of what was happening I told him to open the phone and GIVE IT BACK TO ME! he gave it to me and took my phone to look in Apps in a way to gaslight me. He had obviously deleted the App from his phone so when going throught mine he told me ‘why do you have this App’ I told him for the same reason you have it! He was SILENT for 30mins and so was I he knew he was caught cheating! After that I told him I wanted him to leave so he did when he went back to his house he didn’t call me or say a single word which is SO unlike him. Then he called me and told me everything…. He told me he downloaded the App when we were long distance to get over his porn addiction because whatching girls live was less excessable than watching porn which is always available and free, he also told me that he paid to watch them be live get naked for him, so that he would lose money and that will stop with his porn addiction, fucked up logic I Know😭 I was shocked to say the least for a whole year I had absolutely NO idea what was happening behind my back becouse I trusted him and had I not known by accident I would’ve still not know keeping in mind that he would come over everyday and we would still have sex and the things he got from Tango girls he could’ve easily called me and I would’ve happily did the same for him for free. I am devastated I feel like this is all adream and I just want to wake up and I have no one to call or vent to .

I've realized I'm not a traveler

I came to Madrid for an Arctic Monkeys concert. I spent six months planning this trip: researching what restaurants to eat at, making lists of the sights I wanted to see, and trying - futilly - to learn Spanish. The concert was great; seeing my favorite band at the top of their game is an experience I'll always treasure. Visiting the Royal Palace was fun, the Prado Museum is better than the Met in New York or the National Gallery in London, and I really just loved getting to walk around and look at all the beautiful buildings. Taking a vacation like this is the type of privilege you should never take for granted, but I'll always prefer sleeping in my own bed and eating food made in my own kitchen. I got food poisoning and spent my second night here throwing up. I was able to continue with my vacation after a day's recovery, but all I wanted the entire time I was sick was for my dog and cat to climb into bed and comfort me. I repeatedly got lost trying to find my way around the city, and spent most of my time exhausted. Travel is too overwhelming for me; there's too much that can go wrong, too much to stress over. Whatever downtime I get in the future will be spent relaxing with a book and my furry friends, and I don't care if that makes me lame.

I don't know how to fix my issues (TW: suicide)

I (17 F) have struggled with depression and anxiety for as long as I can remember. One of the earliest memories of my anxiety was when I was around 6 years old. My mother was talking about how we are struggling with money while at the grocery store during checkout. I remember seeing some treats I had put in the cart and having a weird stomach achey feeling. I couldn't explain it. Suddenly I wanted to put them all back. It wasn't until 5th grade I learned about strong feelings called anxiety and depression. I was bullied all throughout elementary school. Once for seemingly no reason and another in my 6th grade year where these two girls I thought I could trust went through my backpack when I wasn't around and vandalized, ripped and just completely messed up my stuff. When I came back they smirked at me and told me to go check my back pack. Comments in my sketchbook pointing to unfinished sketches "ugly" "what is this?" "LOL" and misspelled words underlined in my journal where I wrote very personal things. Middle school was one of my darkest moments in my life. I know that may sound edgy but it was a time when I was a part of the daily announcements team. We were a group who recorded, edited, and published the morning announcements on YouTube. Our faces were plastered literally everywhere. The internet, the classrooms, and even on posters on the halls. I was finally "popular" this would lead to my downfall in my mental health. I developed earlier than other kids my age and with pre teen boys being boys they were all over me. Constant flirty remarks and wanting to be around with me. Being the previous outcast idiot I was, I gladly soaked up all the attention. It got to the point where my first kiss was forced. A group of people trapped me and a boy I kinda liked underneath a table he made it very clear he liked me. They wouldn't let me go until I kissed him. So I did. It was gross and wet I don't even know if I liked it. Afterwards me and the boy added each other on what used to be "google hangouts" the more I got to know him the more I actually grew fond of him. It was all great, we played Minecraft and slept on calls. We were dating, at least for the first month. I'll never forget the day he decided he was bored of me. Every text I sent he would take hours to reply, sometimes even all day. He never wanted to call and never wanted to play games with me any more. Most days all I would get was a good morning. A "leave me alone" text and then a goodnight. (Please note I left someone else for him. He also only really had a conversation with me to get nudes) It became unbearable to just be ignored, to just wait all day doing nothing. Then one day at school he was out sick so it was just me and his best friend in class. We started talking casually then added each other on a Google doc because he wasn't allowed any texting apps on his phone. Later that night the just friendly banter turned sexual by him. I didn't know what to do. I didn't want to encourage it but this was the only other attention I had gotten in weeks. So I cheated on my "boyfriend" not just with his best friend but with multiple other guys. It was just guy after guy after guy. (Many I ghosted 🤦‍♀️ and they do not like me) I felt like a sex toy, some tried to have a genuine relationship with me but I never felt anything really towards them. When I finally told my "boyfriend" all he replied with was "just go be happy with someone else" then it was summer of my 8th grade year going into 9th. At this point I was still friends with my ex's best friend. He was very possessive and dominate. I couldn't even just be around another guy without him getting jealous. We weren't ever even dating. He just stuck around because he saw my chest and thought he owned me. He made me promise I wouldn't replace him. Which would've been easier if we had gone to the same high school and didn't live miles away from each other. I still don't understand how he thought I was supposed to go 4 years without making a single friend. Early in my freshman year I inevitably found some people I liked to talk to. One of them I grew to have a crush on. For this sake we'll call him Isaac and the best friend Matt. I thought Matt would like isaac since they are similar in humor. Matt was so unbelievably pissed at the mere fact that Isaac was a male and was talking to me. Matt constantly degraded and bullied Isaac. So much to the point Isaac didn't want to be around him anymore. Matt was very pleased at this, I on the other hand was furious. I cussed him out out of rage. Thinking back on it I probably should've been calmer about it. Rinse and repeat this situation a few times. I am now officially dating Isaac and had cut Matt off completely. It has been 3 years since I had started dating Isaac but a very nasty argument occurred when his exes magically appeared on his phone. He said that he couldn't get a word in the entire relationship because I was always talking about my mental health. Since then I haven't been speaking of my feelings as often as I should. He acts like nothing ever happened with heart emojis and petnames. Now I'm finding myself in a state of constant fear of past enemies coming back. I went from 110 to 130 pounds in the span of little under a year and I hate how I look. I have the body of a 40 year or mom and the face of a child. I can't do make-up and I don't know if I still love my boyfriend. I don't feel anything about anything. A lot of the people I used to know in middle school I go to high school with. The anxiety of not knowing if they know the things I've done. I appreciate my boyfriend for supporting me through my journey but I just don't feel like i can talk to him anymore. My first day of school is August 16th I've gotten medication for my acne but I just wish I was prettier overall. I just feel "washed up". I've also been finding it very hard to make friends. So all I do is work and cry. I have been feeling thoughts of just wanting to be alone and even suicide. I want to cut everyone off and start fresh. But I know all that will do is just add more enemies to my list. So what do I even do at this point

UPDATE: i’m pregnant as a virgin and my boyfriend thinks i cheated.

[long] i don’t use reddit much so i’m not sure if i was supposed to make this into a separate post or just edit the original, but you can find the og on my account. hi guys!! i’m SO sorry it took a couple of days to update. things have been moving wildly slow and i didn’t want to create a whole post for each small thing i had to update. so much has happened. first off i just want to specify a couple of things, misconceptions as well as some key aspects i didn’t do a good enough job explaining: no, my boyfriend didn’t yell at me/call me names. he was angry, you could tell, but it was an extremely short conversation and he was primarily silent. that’s the type of person he is, though we’ve had very few arguments, he usually goes quiet when he’s mad. i’m not saying it was the right way to act at all but it was understandable imo as the possibility of this happening was entirely new and confusing to the both of us. he also never spread ‘rumors’ about me as some people were saying, i want to make that clear!! he told his best friend, who told another one of their close friends, and you know how that works. toxic gossip train. a few of our mutual friends that are generally closer with him / knew him first stopped talking to me. again, that hurts a lot, i’m not saying it doesn’t, but i know that if i thought someone had cheated on my friend i would drop ties with them INSTANTLY. i understand things like this seem a lot worse to adults who maybe forget what it’s like to be young and immature, because i mean we’re sixteen and that’s what we are. i think people also forget that i was making this post very shortly after all of this had happened. he came to my house the morning after i made the post and apologized, explaining that he’d done a lot of research and felt bad for accusing me. he said he still didn’t know if he fully trusted me but wanted to at least help with me while i went through this because if anything, we’ve been best friends since we were small. he came over and we told my parents together, explaining that i didn’t know if it was pregnancy/illness and i needed to get further testing done. they seemed disappointed that i hadn’t told them i was sexually active, but my mom said she was more disappointed in herself for not teaching me about reproductive health. they’re being as supportive as they can. so that all happened. flash forward to the next day (monday) i went to the doctor to get more blood testing done. i wanted to update then, but i had to wait until i got the results back (today). so far, after a full blood panel, all signs are still pointing to me being pregnant. the comments kind of got my hopes up thinking it was most likely something else. my doctor explained that there was actually a slightly higher chance of me being pregnant than there was of a false positive, because it’s generally men with cancer who receive those. i don’t know if he was going off of statistics or personal experience, though. i’m not sure since there’s still not a *positive* way to know if it’s really a pregnancy, so i have an ultrasound scheduled for this thursday as it was the earliest appointment available. that will be the only way to properly confirm. if the ultrasound confirms that i’m pregnant then i’m also gonna ask about getting DNA testing as a form of paternity test. finally i want to disclaim something: i’ve lied about a lot of things before, everyone has. but pregnancy isn’t something i would ever ever touch. there are so many women in this world that want kids but are unable to have them, and i can’t imagine what it’s like for them to constantly see other people getting pregnant. it feels disrespectful and borderline offensive to lie about something like that, and i would never. i also want to say that i completely understand the people (primarily the ones from tiktok, hi guys) that think i cheated and this is all a cover up story. i’m not gonna try and win people over because your opinions genuinely don’t matter to me, all i’m gonna say is that this is a throwaway account that no one i know follows or has access too, so there would be no reason for any of that. if i actually wanted to ‘convince’ people then i would’ve posted it on my main which my boyfriend and several other friends follow. again, no one else but my boyfriend and my parents knows about this at all, and i don’t want them to. on a more positive note! i’d really like to thank all of the supportive comments and messages i got. they outweighed the negatives by far and it’s incredibly heart warming and honestly surreal. i didn’t expect this at all, but thank you. truly. i had multiple people message me and offer to pay for things like paternity tests, abortion access, and general expenses and with each and every message i cried. i cant believe there are such kind hearted people in the world, but thank you. me and my parents have this covered but the offer is enough and i’m truly grateful for all of it. hope to keep you guys posted, that’s all for now :) EDIT: update 2 won’t post, so here it is (summarized): there’s not much to say. i got an ultrasound and yes, confirmed the pregnancy. i was still holding onto a bit of hope that it might be something else lol. my doctor gave me a referral to go straight to a blood work lab (i have no idea what they’re actually called) so me and my boyfriend could do a prenatal paternity test. i’d never gotten a referral that quickly, usually you have to wait at least a day, but she sent me over for an appointment just an hour after the ultrasound, which was really great. we did the blood test/saliva swab and now we just have to wait about a week for the results. most likely getting an abortion but still figuring out the safest way to do that out of state. thank you to the people who have been supportive :)

Me, my brother, and the grief for someone I never met

(Sorry the randty ,shitty poetic way i wrote this) I don't have a brother. I never had one, nor was I supposed to. If he had been born, I would not have come along....”One and done” says my mother. I don't blame her, one kid is enough is no shame, I like being an only child, I learned to play by myself, solitude grew with me in my bedroom walls. And yet my brother is there, sometimes, not always, but sometimes is like I can feel him, the smell of his hair, how his shirt would feel against my cheek. When i am alone, my parents working till night before Christmas, when I am struggling with homework, when I see a girl and her brother. I long for him, maybe that's why I write about Brothers so much, the older ones are the ones that come out best. I give them every virtue, I made them bold and brave and smart, protective, confident. The flaws change, but the virtues are always the same. I don't have a brother, never had one, nor I was supposed to, but if someone ask me about my brother I could tell them every detail. He would be older, 4 years or so, he would be 23. Since I am yellow and orange he would be green and lilac, we would fit like missing pieces. I look like my father, like every first daughter. He would be my mother’s painting, like every good firstborn son. Since I am history and literature, he would have been Art. His hands covered in watercolor, mine in paper cuts from the Latin dictionary. I am a dumbo squid, so to make things fair, while I stay in the deps he would have been a bird flying high, unafraid, no needing pressure to stay alive. I don't know if there is a reality we both exist in, I don't know how we would have made another bed fit in my room, but I know he would smell like pine tree like our father, have my same tendency to cry for books and curls behind his hears, just like our mom and me too. I know he would steal my fancy perfume, because truly is a male perfume but it is just so nice, I know I would steal make him cake to convince him to illustrate my biology notes for me, I know he would do it even withouth cake. My brother didn't make it, there was something wrong... Incompatible with life, something about his heart, I never press on it. It would make mom sad. And yet he is still here. My parents told me about him once and he never left my mind, not for to long at least, i can go months withouth thinking of him sure, but then the notion pops in, he appears, and is like a punch in the stomach, I dont have a brother, never had one, nor i was supposed to but I do. If you are never born, can you truly die? Maybe that's why he is still here.

Mass hysteria vs personal delusions

On social media the dogma generally is the majority is always right. But everyone knows mass hysteria and herd mentality happens at this point. We seem to have a trend in history of crowds of people getting on board with propaganda and sometimes even doing mass killing as a result. A lot of these events seem pretty irrational from a historical standpoint, the reasons often don’t make any sense anymore. So clearly the majority can be dead wrong. And they sometimes do evil things when they are dead wrong. That isn’t to say an individual that is marginalized by the majority is always going to be right. Everyone knows individuals can get extremely wrongheaded too. And they sometimes do evil things when they are dead wrong. How do you know if you are right about something you feel passionate about then? I’m inclined to believe you never know 100%. You always might be missing something and maybe it’s very important. I guess what you can keep track of is your intentions, attitude, and overall behavior. If you are giving the other side a real chance to win you over with a good argument, you’re probably not too far gone. If that’s impossible, it’s a little suspicious

I don’t know why I’m so jealous

I’m using fake names for everyone. I don’t know why whenever my friends get into relationships I start to resent them, I can’t just be happy for them. I don’t know if it’s some type of disorder/mental illness related not that I have any officially diagnosed besides suspected OCD. I seriously hate when I’m not my friends number one. I have three friends. They all call me their best friend I only consider one my actual best friend I’ll call her Gemini. She doesn’t date anyone, she has had online relationships and when she gets in them I resent her and start to hate her because I’m not her number one person. She had a friend senior year and I hated when she had other friends since we are online friends and can’t hang out. Now I’m her only friend (so she says) and she says she’s aroace and I love that I’m her number one she’s my true best friend. My other two friends, let’s call them Juno and Kyla. Juno I have known the longest, we used to date so when I bring up this people just say I’m a jealous ex. I’m not. I don’t even think I really liked her or loved her like I said I just wanted to be her best person since she had tons of other best friends and was very popular. She got a boyfriend in January, I’ve started to resent and hate her. I don’t know why this happens. She posted a whole instagram photo dump of her and her boyfriend, she never had posted me unlike Gemini. She never posts me. She never mentions me. Yet she says we’re “soulmates” and “best friends” if I’m your best friend why do you FaceTime your boyfriend while we are FaceTiming, why do you text him when we hang out? I hate her and I hate that I can’t be her number one favorite person. Then Kyla, she hasn’t texted me since Friday. (it’s Thursday) she has a girlfriend she posts, about all the time, never posts me. She tells everyone I’m her “bestie” she tells everyone we’ll both live together once we go to university after college. They both say I’m the most important person since I’m their best friend and yet they never give me the same attention. I don’t know why I need to be their number one. I know I’m not their partner but I can’t help but resent them. I just needed to say this without sounding insane to my friends.

My childhood friend(s) died

Tldr; multiple friends from my childhood died at different times of my life and I became a scared individual as time went on. 1. I was a 10 year old boy. My childhood friend "lucky" (nickname) was my neighbour and we went to the same school till 4th standard but when I reached 5th standard her mother pulled her out of the school. Typical murmers went around the neighborhood regarding maybe financial issues or something else. Her mom lost her husband a few years ago in a gun encounter when he was serving as a police at a remote location. And since then Lucky's mom was responsible for raising three daughters 17, 15 and 10 year old at that point of time. I was very fond of her because she was very jolly and enthusiastic to play and run around and we just had fun as kids. I must mention that being a stupid kid I was also crushing on her a bit simply because of being around her all the time and she being very pretty. I never mentioned that to her. Now the reason for her mom withdrawing her from school was confusing for me but nonetheless I used to get to see her in the afternoons. But slowly I couldn't see her as well too much. Her mother said she's not well most days of the week. I mentioned this to my mom casually and she said you shouldn't disturb her, she's not well. As a kid this felt very confusing because I thought you can just take a tablet or medicine and you'll be alright. But in a few weeks time I came to know that she had cancer and it's the final stage. She was undergoing some treatment but soon after a couple of months, she actually passed away when I was at school. I always come home excited because I always have a lot of stories to tell my mom. But that day was devasting because of the scenes right outside my home. I became speechless, confused, scared, scarred and the way I copied with it was by trying to behave "normally" amidst the chaos. The best thing probably was to cry a bit but I didn't. It just didn't happen. I just went into a state of not-processing grief at all. And I bottled all that up. I don't think this is not 'toxic masculinity' because I cried a lot as a boy anyways even for petty things. It was embarrassing for my parents at times till I was about 15 year old. --------------------------------------------------------------------- 2. Five years later. I was a typical boy, raging hormones, sports helped me use my adrenaline, but otherwise very calm. I had 5 friends in school from my own section. And most of my "main friends" were in other section of the same class but I interacted with them mostly on breaks or in sports classes because didn't have time during school hours anyway. And I get to meet them in the afternoon anyway. So out my 5 friends (from my section), 2 of them were very naughty, trouble to the teacher, 3 of them were good boys on the outside but very troublesome silently. They would prank people all the time and create a mess of the classroom when there was nobody monitoring. I was the mediator with the teacher trying to free them of trouble when they get into one. I never participated in their pranks but laughed when it came off like all others in the classroom. Let's name them A, B, C, D, E. It was the summers. We had the summer vacation in a week or so. So everyone was excited. The teachers handed out projects to do and I came home. It was Saturday and a few minutes later I get a call on my dad's phone (I didn't have a phone). My friend A told me that they are going to a small picnic party tomorrow at a nearby place and I could come if I wanted to. I told him I have to ask my dad. I had to guess my dad's mood for permission and it didn't look promising. So I called my friend and told him, I'll try tomorrow morning again and I'll call before 9 AM if I come. Next morning also same story but I am pretty sure if I pressed my dad for permission he would let me go. Just that there'll be a lot of questions and I didn't want to deal with that. Also I was quite unhappy with A because he asked me as if he didn't want me to come along anyway. Very casual and laid back way to ask. Pretty sure B or E would have tried to even convince my dad to let me come with them. I was slightly pissed. So to divert myself I started studying a bit so that I can play some sports at nearby field after some time. It was afternoon, I came back from playing football, had a bath, had lunch and sat down alongside my parents who were watching TV. And I saw the newsflash. 5 students of XYZ School went to picnic at riverside and 2 dead, remaining 3 arrested. I was horrified. They revealed the names of B and C who were declared as "probably dead" but body still not found, search operations by water police and SDRF underway. Next morning they found the bodies. And it was them, found many kilometres downstream. Body swollen like a balloon. Parents crying on camera. It was spine chilling. The news said that the prime suspect is A who had planned the whole thing and then pushed both of them into the river after getting them drunk. I was angry, enranged, all of that. My parents were worried too. I went to B and Cs home to offer condolences along with the whole class actually. Surprisingly calm and composed I was. I handled everything with maturity. But it took a toll on me. I gulped the grief yet again, but this time it was masked by this maturity that the world wants to see. I didn't meet any of A, or D but was able to meet E because he was free from all charges but he didn't come to school. I went to his home to meet him. He talked openly but he told me a story of what happened that I didn't believe. Slowly everything started to become normal again. But I sat alone and far from anyone else in a corner. I wanted to isolate myself. My teachers understood a bit of this. Few of them actually hugged me and told me to let go of everything and talk to them if necessary. Life slowly became normal again. Weeks later, more news came out and it was found out after investigations from multiple sources that: - A did organise the picnic on the riverside (source his messages and calls) - B organised the drinks. None of them told their parents where they were going. They told them they were going to meet their friends, but nothing specific. - C fell down from the edge of the riverbank, B jumped in the water to save him, both drowned. D tried to jump as well but A was holding him by the neck. - some two from far away, who were also drunk, saw that A threw B and C into the river and also was about to throw D into it. But they came to the rescue. Crowds came in and this is the story they heard and reported the same to the police. A lot of people claimed witnesses at first but didn't back it up later. - The story of E and the story from media was the same I believed them. I met A many years later and he refused to answer any of my questions. But just said, "I wish people believed me". He was in legal struggle for a long time until he was declared innocent. I felt like I made some mistake. Probably didn't but probably did. I wonder if I had gone with them, I would have stopped any of this. I don't drink (to this day anyway) so... Maybe I could have helped them in any way. ------------------------------------------------------------------- 3. My best friends brother unalived himself. He was a good kid but slightly naughty. 4 years younger than me (17). His mom wanted me to tutor him, and probably be a mentor as well. I refused because if he wouldn't listen to me, I would have to be strict. Probably pull out some sticks or rulers to scare him. (The reason they wanted me to tutor him was none of his parents or his brother were able to make him listen to anything) He did listen to me otherwise but If he didn't I would probably have to hit him once or twice (which is expected from a tution master here in my place) and I didn't want to do that because I love kids. In the same year he was depressed from school and went on a walk. He told his mom he was going to play cricket at a nearby field. He didn't return. We searched him in every corner, in every field, every dustbin and drain. From evening till 2 am with the police. Atleast 50 people were searching. For the boy or a body. It was heart aching to rush to every possible spot a body could be dumped. We assumed he was kidnapped. The police filed a report and we came back home the next morning at 7 am dejected after searching for, what looks like the entire half of a city. (Graphic part) 2 hours later we get the news that his dead body was lying on a railway track. The body was dragged about 200 feet from the initial impact by the train. The body parts were somewhat dismembered. The face was intact although the brain wasn't. A note was found from his pocket that read (paraphrasing) "I am sorry mom, dad for doing this. Iove you. I couldn't be a good son. I failed to make you proud. I hope in my next life I can make you proud" He was not brilliant in studies, but his parents didn't put pressure on him either so this was confusing. Later found out that he was bullied by his teacher in school. No action was taken by school or by authorities anyway. Probably even the teacher didn't anticipate this but nonetheless it turned out to be a horror show for the family and also me. After all this, I was contemplating my life decisions and felt like I let myself down. I felt like I always have the opportunity to do something good but I never take that opportunity. I started developing a paranoia of losing opportunity. And it affected me mentally. Also the event regarding my cousin (previous post) affected me in more ways than one. It felt like a part of me got lost somewhere. One year later I was diagnosed with ADHD. All three things combined and turned me into a guy with severe anxiety, paranoia of mistakes, losing focus due to ADHD, unable to learn easy concepts, socially awkward, scared to make friends (in fear of losing them and also a sexual predator looking for sex with every girl I talk to. The silver lining: But I gathered courage fight back. I did. I had to. I had no other option.I made good friends along the way and met people who added value to my life and I poured my everything to them as well. I still lack in a few things but my wife has been the strongest force in all this. She alone was enough for all my troubles. I don't know in such a short time how did she manage to pull this off. I did read reddit a lot during these years and that must have helped too. Never posted anything though. But finally gathered enough from my guts to put it out here. Sorry for such a long post

I found out my fiancé was cheating on me

I don't know what to say, I'm in a long distance relationship and see my fiancé every 2 months for about a month to 3. The last week we were together and met with a friend who happened to take a picture of us and posted it on her Instagram. Spoiler alert her best friend saw it and told her that he was that guy that she had been sleeping with for a few weeks when I was out of the country. She came with receipts. I'm essentially very happy that she told me and she got her advice from reddit to tell me because most of her other friends said she shouldn't be in my business but I'm happy she did. I'm still at her place and have to go home to see him, I'm not sure what to say or do but we will speak when we get home. We are also due to get married in less than a month. Edit: I was not expecting to get this many comments, honestly I don't feel in the best mindspace to answer everyone, sorry.. but I will clear some things up because I was not sober when I made the post so a lot of people found it confusing. 1. The long distance We met in 2020 and we're together in the same town for about 8 months and then I had to move back to my home country and him to his. We decided on doing the long distance and the job I have is a no work no pay kind of job, that being said I would usually spend 2 to 3 months in my country working and then I would make enough money to buy flight tickets and travel things, I didn't earn much but enough. I would then come over and stay with him between a month and 3. If he comes over to my country he would stay one month and work from home. This was meant to be my last trip of 3 months before getting a spousal visa and moving permanently I'm in africa and he's in europe, when I'm here i obviously live with him for the time being. 2. The friends Last week Wednesday my fiancé and I were out with my friend (we will call her E). E posted a picture of us on her Instagram and her friend (we will call her H). H saw the picture and compared it to the ones she had and said that he was the guy she was sleeping with last year, I left in early Septemener and returned in Nov/Dec I'm not sure when exactly but he started seeing her late September, October. The man did not waste time. I'm a foreigner in a foreign country, I just have my friend E and another friend. I obviously only make enough money to last me while I'm here and because we were planning a wedding I spent much more than I should have. It's not that easy to just pack up and leave with no costs involved.

I tried to SA my boyfriend last night

I 19f tried to r*** my boyfriend 18m last night. Please don't read if abuse or SA are triggering topics to you, this is going to be a very triggering post. My anger absolutely takes control of me, it makes me so violent and I take it out on him in various ways mentally and physically to the point where I admitted myself to a psych ward to help make it stop and started taking antipsychotics for the anger, but last night was the worst. I had gone so long without hitting him but I just snapped. I hit his face until there was blood coming out of his mouth and he was sobbing, and I groped him multiple times, and I tried getting on top of him to r*** him multiple times but he shoved me off and I didn't decide to follow through. All he could say was "I love you so much" and "please don't leave me" and he was hitting himself. I feel like such a piece of shit and I know I am, I have never believed people like me can be forgiven or are worthy of it. I hate who I became. I was such a normal kid, full of empathy and honestly too sensitive. I don't know what happened it where it went wrong but this is who I am now, and even if I never lay a hand on someone again this is always who I'll be, because I can't undo what I've already done. I just wanted to get this off my chest, there's not really many people you can tell about this sort of thing without losing them. I just needed to get it out.

I don’t know what to do..

Hello everyone, im not a frequent reddit user so making a post is still a little new to me, but i feel so desperate for an answer, a thought or opinion, i feel so bottled up i just need to say this.. i’ll try to keep this as short and anonymous as possible.. [english is not my first language, please bear with me] I’m gonna cut to the chase and explain a little more background later. I (22f) have been with my fiancé since a few years back. I’ve been feeling so horrible, so guilty, I feel like the worst person in this world. This man loves me, with every ounce of his being. with his entire heart. I’ve had my fair share of experiences with lying or deceiving partners, but wholeheartedly, I know true to my heart he would never be unfaithful to me. He loves me and our 1 year old son with everything. I know everything about him, he knows everything about me. We’re so close.. yet I feel so lost. I don’t think I’m happy or fulfilled in my relationship, which turns into me being unhappy and unsatisfied with my life.. Please don’t get me wrong, I love this man so much. I would never want to hurt him, or break his heart in any way. He’s my family. I can’t imagine hurting such a loving person who loves me so unconditionally, even on my worst days. However.. I don’t think I’m physically attracted to him anymore.. even as a person.. He seems to do everything wrong and i get so frustrated with him and think, this wouldn’t be like this if i was alone. What i mean by this, is he’s not good at helping around the house. He can’t wash dishes right (when i finally get him to, considering he absolutely refuses to wash his own.) He can’t do laundry right (overflows washer, never puts his own clothes up unless i’m constantly telling him to) Can’t clean properly, leaves cupboards open because he’ll “get to it later” (which never comes, i always end up cleaning after him) leaves lights on, doors open, etc. you get the point. i know this sounds whiny and like im just complaining, but god, i just need to get this off my chest. This bothers me so much. I’m so tired of cleaning up after him constantly. I’m tired of being the only one who cleans up the house, because ‘im the only one that knows how to do it properly’. I’m not happy being a 22 year old housewife locked up in the house every day, settling and having to constantly clean up after my ‘husband’.. i want more out of life.. i hate cleaning up after other people’s messes.. There’s so many more factors contributing to all my frustration. I’m not gonna get too into it, but me nor my son are exactly properly taken care of.. He promised me so many things when we first got together, and i don’t mean gold digger promises. just.. stability. goals.. we still live in my mom’s house and there’s no sign, nor has there ever been, a sign of us even remotely being close to moving out.. he hasn’t paid rent to my mom in over a year. for the longest, we’ve been in the trenches.. couldn’t afford pads, toothpaste, shampoo.. even diapers or formula that my parents had to buy to keep our baby fed and clean. he refuses to get a proper job to at least have some stability, for us,his dependent family at least.. he’s hellbent on making the company he has work, but there’s been no significant results.. it’s been years and we’re still at square one. he promised me and my parents that he would give me a better life when he proposed the marriage, but i’ve never been this down bad before.. i know in a relationship, you struggle in the hard times with your partner, but that’s all i’ve been doing for years with not a shred of results.. i feel so hopeless.. i feel like i deserve a better life.. From all of this, i just don’t feel the same physical attraction as before.. he’s let himself go and hardly resembles the person i fell in love with all. i hate with all my being to admit it, but i’m not even intimately attracted enough to feel happy or satisfied. my mind wanders and i end up dreaming and fantasizing of others.. i don’t remember what it’s like to have a real, passionate kiss or be genuinely turned on.. but i love him, i really do, because he’s a good hearted person- because i know he loves me unconditionally through all my worst parts.. but i feel so immensely guilty that i can’t seem to do the same.. plus, who else would ever love me like this? i guess what im trying to say is, i feel.. trapped.. i know there’s more to life than this.. im only 22, i have my whole life ahead of me, for me to waste it by ..settling for something that i know deep down doesn’t fulfill me. I feel like the worst scum of the earth because i feel i’m emotionally betraying someone i can’t reciprocate the same immense love with.. because i do not want to be the reason my child grows up without a father. but part of me wonders.. is this worth my unhappiness for the rest of my life..? we’re not even married yet.. even the proposal was disappointing.. i got proposed to in my garage like it was just another day of the week.. as a little girl , i always imagined this would be a special, magical moment, but sadly im used to him letting my expectations down.. and part of me feels like i don’t deserve that. i don’t know what to do. im scared. scared of being alone for the first time in my life, scared to hurt the person that loves me most ‘s feelings, scared to raise my child alone, scared i’m making a mistake, scared i’m throwing away something and someone good just because of my thoughts.. i miss who i used to be.. my heart wants to take me in a different path but my mind keeps me in my safe, stable, comfort place.

Unsure of where I stand with partner.

Bit of background info, during covid I (23F) left a mentally abusive relationship. Long story short, it destroyed me, ended up with depression due to this as well as losing my job and I struggled to trust anyone. Several months after said break up, I thought I’ll get back out there. Meet this guy (24) that worked in the same company as my ex, just different building. Our first meeting was mainly us talking about my ex (looking back, it feels uncomfortable that that was the first thing we bonded on). Had stated I was still working through my issues and that I don’t feel like a committed relationship was the way to go (asked if we could be friends and get to know each other. I had not shot down the idea of us being a couple, just not at that moment). We remained friends for near enough six months and would talk most days, however he asked me a lot about my relationship with my ex as if he was trying to persuade me that he was the better option and that he would not do what my ex had done. And he would quite frequently ask if I was ready for a relationship. I have recently been told by my therapist that I have some form of ADHD, which explains a lot about my behaviour. As he kept on asking about if I was ready for a relationship, it really began to irritate me and when that happens I try distancing myself away from the cause. I know he has a right to ask as I said potentially we could date but asking almost every week began to make me miserable, that he was obsessed with dating someone but not actually dating someone for who they were, if you get want I mean. Eventually, I did cave in (I know I shouldn’t have until I was ready but he was threatening to end our friendship which I had come to enjoy) and we ended up dating for a month. I was still searching for work and depression was still hitting me hard so a lot of the time I retreat into my little corner because my social battery was so low, even the idea of visiting someone made me sick (my best friend was helping me a lot to get me to feel okay in other people’s company at the time, which I am exceedingly grateful for). It got to the point where he said that I hardly spoke to him and I was refusing to go round his to spend time with him. I had explained how I was feeling about he completely ignored that and began comparing how I treated my ex to how I treated him (and had discussed with him that I was no longer gonna go above and beyond in relationships as I was focusing on myself and yet he still wanted a relationship). At this point I was defeated and I gave up, telling him if he didn’t like the relationship then he should leave it. He did. It didn’t upset me one bit except that I lost my Minecraft buddy. Fast forward over the next year or so, there was multiple times he had contacted me asking whether I was looking for a relationship, the answer was no and he stopping talking for a while until he would ask a month or so later. In the end we ended up talking again (he originally said okay) and eventually I said I was looking for a relationship and that I was talking to someone on messenger. We remained friends, until he decided if he wasn’t gonna get a relationship out of me it was a waste of time. Fast forward a few months, started talking and then began dating (“rules” had been set and when they were discussed, he came across as bitter and when I put forward my rules, he always questioned them). From May this year, we have been together and I have been trying my best to give it my all but with having a breakdown at work, becoming unemployed, depressed, anxious and find out I have ADHD, I have been having all sorts of mood swing (I have never taken my mood swings out on him, I purely mask them and deal with it on my own). He is aware with my mental state but chooses to either ignore it or ask how I’ve been coping when I’ve made it clear I’m struggling. I know I can’t force him to care about my mental struggles but it would be nice if someone did ask me (my best friend does but she is also going through a lot of stuff at the moment and I don’t want her to have an extra thing to worry about). Last I saw or heard from him was early last week. He wasn’t well so I didn’t stay long as he was tired and I had told him I had a trial day. I left him for a couple of days to get himself better but I haven’t heard from him. I’ve messaged him with no reply. I had asked him to message me when he was feeling better but surely with an ear infection that is being treated by the doctors, he would be feeling better now? Overall I feel used and insignificant by him and I’m not sure if it’s my mental state that causing problems or this is what it is. Ps. I know we don’t have to talk every day and I would quite happy talk every other day but he had made it clear he didn’t want complete silence for weeks, so I’m quite confused 🫤 I apologise for it being a long one but I thought it would be better if the whole situation was explained.

I have the worst body I've ever seen

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Sigh am I really gonna do this?

I’m potentially going to ruin my relationship by going through my fiancé’s phone but I can’t go through with planning a wedding and building a house without knowing if he really is doing what he says he is. After his previous actions, I don’t trust him.

I’m about to lose my left foot

Just like the title says, I’m having difficulty processing this and coming to grips with the fact that it’s happening. For context: I have had problems with my left foot since January 2022. While doing my weekly grocery shopping (usually a 30 minute task), I felt a “Pop” in the arch of my left foot. I shortened my list to absolute essentials, but by the time I was done I could barely walk. Went to my podiatrist the next day and he told me that I tore the Fascia muscle in my left foot. He told me to go easy on the foot, wear a specialized boot and stay off it as much as possible and it should heal. Fast forward to March 2022 and unfortunately it had gotten progressively worse. Tearing the muscle caused more blood to focus on the foot. When the blood returned to get re-oxygenated, it washed away some of the calcium in my bones, causing them to fracture, which ended up creating a feedback loop. All-in-all, I had 15 fractures across my left foot. Fast forward again to November 2022. Things haven’t improved over the past 8 months. My arch had fallen and my foot was nearly flat with many of the fractures having never healed. My podiatrist finally tells me that I’ll need surgery to come back from this, so we set up my surgery for March of 2023. March 2023 comes, and I go in for my outpatient surgery. He places a rod, screw and staple into my left foot and shortens the (unfortunately now loosened) Achilles tendon and I’m sent home to rest. Over the next 45 days, the incision on the inside of my left foot isn’t healing well, so I’m sent to Wound Care. Wound care finds out that I have genetically poor circulation in my lower legs and feet, but they take wound cultures as well. When the results come back, they send me to a Vascular Surgeon for a stent placement and an Infectious Disease Specialist because I have a multiple antibiotic-resistant bacterial infection (MRSA, but not MRSA). Stent gets placed and I’m readmitted into the hospital on June 27th. Podiatrist performs some revision surgery to try to kickstart my foot’s healing, and the Hospital’s Infectious Disease department takes cultures to see what the infection could be weak to. Surgery goes well, but after several days and many attempted antibiotics, we find out that it’s weak to nothing. Thankfully, the infection hasn’t made it into my bloodstream yet, so I still have a single option, but if it gets into my bloodstream, that option is useless. Unfortunately, that only option was amputation, so we started preparing for that on July 8th. I had my consultation with the surgeon yesterday at noon. He’s doing the amputation in two parts. Today, he’s removing the foot at the ankle in order to remove the possibility of the infection spreading. Then, in a few days, he’ll amputate to the usual stump that exists for BTK (Below The Knee) Amputees. I’m barely holding things together right now, but I don’t exactly have a better option. Thanks for letting me decompress and tell what’s happened/happening to me.

Wanted to tell a meaningful story about an old friend on what would’ve been her birthday

I graduated high school in 2014 (I’m 27 now). I lived in a small town, graduated with 144 people, I believe. Since we graduated 9 years ago, we’ve already lost 3 classmates. Two of them sat at my lunch table during my senior year. All 3 losses were some of the most horrible ways to lose someone: drugs, brain cancer, and suicide. A “famous” tradition in my high school was senior government class with a teacher who was less than 5 feet tall, had long/scraggly hair, decorated his classroom in everything tie dye, drove a yellow Volkswagen Beetle, and blasted Beatles songs between classes. This man was a walking liberal, flower child in an extremely conservative community, but EVERYONE loved him and he could bring anyone together. I was in the Honors Government class, along with 4 friends I hung out with almost every weekend, plus a few other good friends and friendships that formed throughout the year. My friend who developed brain cancer after high school was in this class, along with my friend lost to suicide (let’s call her Hillary-she would appreciate that alias). Going to a small school, you know everyone to some extent, but Hillary ended up sitting at my lunch table that year so I got to know her more than anytime from kindergarten until then. She was voted most liberal in the school, and at the time I was a rather conservative person, but regardless of political views we (everyone in class and at the lunch table) had fantastic, insightful, thought provoking conversations. I came to see Hillary as a friend, but we weren’t super close. For example, we had never hung out outside of school. Towards the end of the school year, I received four free tickets to a pro baseball game the city 40 minutes away. It was a Saturday night game with fireworks, so the whole baseball experience. Two of my friends I normally hung out with weren’t able to make it leaving me with an extra ticket. I decided to invite Hillary. She said she had never been to a baseball game, so I also let her borrow a team shirt (you know, for the full peanuts and Cracker Jack experience). Overall it was a great night and our team won (which is surprising). As senior year came to a close, Hillary was in the group of people I went to prom with and I went to her graduation party, but as many high school friendships do we lost touch as college started. About a year after that baseball game, I got a text out of the blue from Hillary. She was attending college in the city and she thanked me for inviting her to the game the year before. She told me that game had sparked an interest in sports (especially baseball) that she didn’t know she had. She had even started studying sports management/sports journalism and just accepted a summer internship with the same team we had seen the year before, working at that stadium. I was shocked and moved that such a seemingly minor choice in my life (invite someone I normally wouldn’t have invited) could have such a major impact on someone’s life. It felt good and I was so happy she found something that was fulfilling and sparked joy for her. That small interaction has stuck with me to this day. Fast forward a few years and Hillary and I lost touch again (as friendships do). A few years ago now I received a message from another close friend from high school who I have kept in touch with here and there. She let me know that Hillary had passed away. I was shocked. Something in my gut told me she took her own life, and I was right. I wish we would’ve kept in touch. Somewhat ironically, I’m a therapist now. I wish Hillary knew that no matter how long it had been, I would’ve been there for her, but I know I can never fully understand what she was going through to make that choice. I didn’t go to the funeral, which I regret. I lost my mom in 2016 and have avoided funerals since, but I wish I would’ve gone to hers. As social media likes to do, it reminded me that today would’ve been Hillary’s birthday. I wanted to tell this story in memory of an old friend. I don’t know if I’ve ever told anyone this full story and it feels good to tell. If you’ve made it to the end, I have a request: Send a message to an old friend you haven’t talked to in a while, tell someone you care about them, get to know someone who’s “different” than you, keep an open mind and listen to other people’s opinions…heck, even just go to a ball game and sing along during the 7th inning stretch or listen to and appreciate your favorite Beatles song. Live life to the fullest, reflect on and remember the past, and be kind to everyone. Happy Birthday Hillary, I wish I could tell you how you impacted my life like you shared with me how I impacted yours.

Adopted dad sexually assaulted me.

My adopted dad sexually assaulted me in the past. Verbal and overstepped his boundaries whenever I say no. He would stalk my social medias before, and follow me with fake accounts that I found through his phone number. When I was around 15, I posted this tiktok video of my sideways in slow-mo flipping my hair. After that, I received a text message from him saying that my tiktok video was hot. I had a small account before and were only intended for fun. I didn’t know he had a tiktok account and was silently stalking me. Also goes for my other social media account. All my accounts are very private now, and no posts. There’s more such as him asking if anyone knows my phone password through text and then proceeded on saying he’s gonna kiss my stomach. This was before I was 13. So now… Every time I get into an little argument with my parents, I am reminded even more of the things he had done to me. It triggers me. Even with my mom. It feels like I use it as reminder and blackmail whenever I get into a misunderstanding with my mom. What’s happening to me? Edit: I’m 18 now.

My son died

My son died last year in the NICU after being born premature. Everyone has moved on and thinks I am okay, I am slowly but surely dying inside. I fight everyday to stay alive. EDIT: Thank you for all your kind words and advice, I didn’t expect to reach as many people as it did and I am grateful to everyone who took the time to write me something. I tried therapy and I did not click with two different people and gave up on it. I have an issue where I like to make it seem like I am ok because I hate pity. My little boy died in November and I have started a new job in January and never gave myself time to heal only to pretend it never happened. I don’t know what the future holds for me, but I hope I can live one day without this horrible pain in my heart. I want to be a mother to a living child so badly it creates more pain.

Bf of 7 months broke up with me

He said I wasn’t progressing in life and that my goals are unrealistic. I’m currently saving for a house. Saving for a new car. I’m at a loss as to what was unrealistic. I never put him down even when he took steps backwards…. A day after he broke up with me he said I showed him more love than any one ever has and that it was hard for him to walk away. And that he never fell out of love with me and that there is no one else he is talking to. Then blocked me on everything.

I Did Nothing For 3 Years And Everything I Do In 2023 #^%$'s Me Over

As the title states I pretty much did nothing from when covid started until earlier this year, have some underlying health issues so took that ish seriously and pretty much stayed home or did a few outdoor things Around September of 2022 I decided that in 2023 I had to start living again, booked what is likely to be a once in a lifetime 3 month Europe trip doing Airbnb's in the 3 cities I most wanted to visit like 9 or more months in advance Around January I get a message from my middle Airbnb asking me to pay offline, I declined, and she cancelled on me, the city I was visiting had a huge event during the month I was visiting and there were literally no Airbnb's or places to stay in the city over a 1 week period in the middle of my month.... so I ended up just doing one of the two cities for 2 months (quick pause, first world problems, I get it) I also ordered a new gaming laptop from Lenovo, nicest laptop I have ever purchased Before my trip I returned to visit my family, needed to take a direct flight from Miami to a midwestern city, they let a blind 80 year old Hatian man who spoke no English on the flight alone, some people said he looked drugged early in the flight, about 45 minutes in he gets up in the aisle and starts acting weird, no one can communicate with him and after another 45 minutes or an hour they decide to land the plane in case he is having a medical emergency... but because everything is incompetent we now turn back around and re-route to Orlando despite their being plenty of cities along the way to land at, they hold us on the plane when we arrive at midnight for 3 hours, then kick us out at 3am and say come back at 10am for the flight... why did we have to wait 7 hours? why did we go out of the way back to Orlando? I wasnt vaccinated and didnt want to hang out in the airport so had a taxi drop me off at what he said was a cheap hotel, it was $220 a night, wasnt gonna pay that for 4 hours, he drove off and it was 5am so I had to walk back to the airport in a city I dont know ​ Fast forward to Europe, 2 weeks in my brand new Lenovo laptop goes blue screen for no reason, says contact Microsoft, I do, they say return it to where you got it, I had bought it off Lenovo website directly, they basically just put me in customer service hell for a week until my warranty runs out claiming anything they can to not send me a new laptop, then the warranty is gone and I eventually give up after 10 to 15 hours on the phone arguing with them ​ I had to book my 2nd airbnb in the first city I visited late, best option had no elevator, I ask them what floor it is on they tell me the third, its on the fourth.... thats a lot of steps for 1 month... minor but highly annoying particularly when they directly lie to your question in the DM's ​ I also asked my 3rd Airbnb in the new city if it was a studio or 1 bedroom cuz the listing and photos weren't clear, they tell me 1 bedroom, its a studio, I am a light sleeper who likes to black out my bedroom windows from the sun, can't do that in a studio, I wake up at 6am all month... Airbnb doesn't help me with this at all, this place also tried to come into my room and rob me 5 (no joke, 5!) times over my first 3 days in town, I was home each time and the cleaning lady (who had no supplies) just turned around each time she saw me... when I mention this and the lying in my Airbnb review they delete my review... I had screenshots of them lying and saying 1 bedroom, Airbnb couldnt care less the property owner is always right ​ Now is a good time to mention that at this point I checked to see if the Airbnb that cancelled on me because I wouldnt pay her offline (likely not giving Airbnb their cut) had been removed, nope, she is still there... the property owner is always right even when trying to steal from Airbnb... that shows you how bad they are ​ Recently I went to Asia, first couple months in a big capitol city and I need to get an ATM card shipped here in the coming months because mine is expiring, plan to do some traveling in smaller cities and rural areas so contact my bank and fill out the paperwork to have the new card shipped to a different address, its going slow and my time is limited so I am contacting them often holding their hand to make sure this goes well.... first they sent a letter to my home address (someone else is there) saying that they received my request to send this card to a different address and to contact them if this isnt authorized, and then they send the card to my home address... now I am kinda screwed ​ Is it just me, or is everything falling apart? I think it is a combination of A) Companies laying off workers, particularly in customer service roles and B) a lazy entitled population that doesn't want to do their day to day job anymore because they need to get back to watching Tik Tok videos as quick as possible ​ ​

My life sucks atm

My life sucks atm. Broke up with my bf and he causes me problems/ is annoying af. I can't eat, sleep or do shit. Yesterday I got caught by the police with friends, because of underaged drinking and being at a private place. My drug dealer (plug) started ghosting me and when I asked him if everything was fine he responded: No do not annoy me and then he even removed me on snap. For me is even no other way to get on weed because another dude is also ghosting. I'm thinking about suicide too much but I can't find good ways to end it all and I started self harm again. I hate my body too. Also I am currently crushing on someone I do not have a chance with which also keeps me down.

Regret fucking a fat girl Feeling like a piece of shit

I fucked a fat girl and regret it This is kinda dumb and embarrassing but I recently was intimate with a extremely overweight woman I met online. I hit it from the back and only lasted 2mins before the regret set in. After having one of the worst weeks of my life it ended with this, worst part I didn’t even do it for myself a girl told me she would have a threesome if she could see me in action. She stopped answering right after. Most of girls I average are attractive and now I feel like I have this big stain on my record. Its been a month but I keep thinking back every day, she was 30F 200lbs + easy, I’m 25M 150 I have an irrational fear of getting and STD and Pregnancy, knock on wood. I’m aware no one forced me and I made the decision but I’ve been feeling so much digust and regret with myself. She smelled too, I dont know why I did it. I can never take it back. Im attractive so I think thats why it hurts more but always struggled with women my nonexistent self esteem took a big hit. I keep thinking how a stud would have never have fucked that fat girl. .

So many tragic things have happened in my life that it feels like a sick joke

My life is like a movie, and if it was one, it would be a dark comedy. I’ve experienced some of the worst things that could possibly happen to a person. First bf I had raped me & my dad committed suicide, to name the worst things. Both my parents were mentally unstable/ill. I was bullied relentlessly throughout my childhood. I’ve experienced racism all throughout my life. First bf I had was extremely abusive and evil. He was in his 20s and raped me when I just turned 18.. and cheated on me with a 16 yo. 2nd bf who I dated from sophomore to senior yr of college was also an abusive sociopath. He gave me herpes, didn’t pay the rent for almost a yr, & cheated on me. Had a roommate steal a bunch of my shit and she got away with it. Also had a friend do that in hs. My dad married an evil woman who emotionally abused & was very inappropriate with me, and didn’t believe me when I told him. & when my dad and I finally were connecting, and he apologized for his wrongdoings, he shortly thereafter committed suicide. Then I got the worst job of my life for an inhumane boss who underpaid & overworked me while I was at the most vulnerable point on my life—words can’t express how horrible it was. I lost my physical/mental health and lots of money working for her bc she underpaid & overworked me. I also lost all my belongings in storage— lost literally everything that mattered to me. The storage unit ppl said they just didn’t know what happened— this was unusual. & every guy I became romantically or sexually involved with ended up being abusive players & womanizers who gaslit me. It’s amazing how much shit I’ve had to go through. & yeah, there’s more. It’s a constant roller coaster ride. Honestly I wish I was never born. I hate my life so much. And yet I have to carry on.. because I love my family and feel I should keep trying. Sometimes I wish I could’ve died instead of my dad though. It’s been constant struggle and hardship. I’m so over this fucked up life!!!! I’ve had so much bad luck that I’ve always thought that if past lives existed, I must’ve been a serial killer or something. I feel I have so much baggage. It’s affected my ability to interact and relate to ppl. I’m always filled with stress and negativity because something bad is always happening in my life. I don’t want others to see me as weak, and I want to succeed, so I feel I need to keep all these things to myself. I’m used to others trying to use and take advantage of me. I’m tired of being a traumatized person. Fml

i accidentally shat in my boyfriends boxers

i hadn’t pooped in four days so i took three 25 mg sennosides laxatives yesterday afternoon around 5 pm.. fast forward to this morning they hit me like a TRUCKK!! i ran to that mf bathroom faster than the speed of light!! i shat in my undies (oops😠) so i threw them away after i was done. i had no more clean undies at my bfs house so i put on a pair of my bfs boxers and went back to sleep i wake up around 11 and was about to go take a shower and thought i just had to fart 🥲 nope, it was a shart 😔 oof :/ thank god he loves me i just had to get this off my chest

I Feel useless

First of all I'm typing this on Android, so sorry for any error or formatting issues. I feel absolutely and truly useless. I (22m) feel like im stuck in this loop of never being able to do the right thing. I'm constantly fucking shit up with my (23F), i have been stuck doing uni for 4 years constantly losing motivation and/or my grades talking. I'm medicated for adhd and depressing and a thyroid issue. I feel like no one wants to be around me or make time for me, even though I drop everything constantly for them. I want to lose weight (currently 106kg) and keep trying but get no where. I want to do something with my life but feel I'm just not good enough for anything. The only thing of note I'm good at is gaming. I want to be better. I want to be stronger. I want to have friends that give a fuck about me. I want to be happy. I want to be able to smile without forcing it. I want to be confident in who i am. I'm just at a loss and feel at my lowest. I'm sorry for the sad rant. I just know no one around me wants to listen to me and just thought why not give it a shot here. I appreciate your time and hope you all are having a great morning/afternoon/night where ever you are.

Not to be dumb but I want to marry you

I used to be wild in love and life. I used to kiss strangers, demand attention everywhere I went, thrive on drama, fall hard and fast in love, fall equally fast out of love, scream, cry and slam doors. I used to mistake drama for passion and stability for boredom. Then I met you. I just want to do life with you. I want to go grocery shopping and watch absurd movies and make comments about annoying commercials with you. I want to lay under the stars, dreaming of endless possibilities, with you. I like that we are taking things slow. You're the first thing I think about when I wake up and the last thing on my mind before I go to sleep. I like your warm smile and kind eyes. I just want to be with you every moment. I don't want to be too hopeful, but you give me hope and I want you to be in my life.

Bored of my love life

I feel so bored in my relationship. I'm also worried if I won't find someone else I will connect with and will give me what I need. Dating sucks

I feel sad and bitter because I lost my job and I was dumped in the last 6 months.

First I was blindsided and dumped in January and I struggled to be ok because 2 days later I was starting a job which I thought was my dream job. In the meantime I had a mental breakdown and ended up taking antidepressants (very mild ones) and they helped a bit. But then in June I was let go from my job and now I am struggling to find work. I do have a part time job but it would only enable me to pay rent and maybe cover the electricty and water bill. It's not a great job but Im doing it so I have something to fall on.I still desire a full time job with a contract that could offer me security. I feel bad for feeling bad because even with no job I still have this very limited means to pay stuff. Now I still have some money because my former job paid me 2 salaries in advance so I can get by. But it is dwindling by the day. I'm struggling not to be bitter because even though those two aspects suck I did get to travel to 3 different countries since the break up and I am grateful for that but I still feel no sense of security, I have no idea where my life is going and while at times that can be exciting I still need to have some sort of plan or foundation. But i feel like a loser and at the same time I feel bad for feeling bad about this if it makes any sense. I have this close friend he has a great job and he was worried a little they might let him go too but turns out that they won't that he got reasurances and recently he got a second job that he likes and I am happy for him but I can t help but feel sad and bitter and like is rubbing my face into his succes. And I know no one should be held responsible for my feelings and it s not his problem I feel bitter but I still can't help but feel bad about it. I know I don't have it that bad but I still feel really shitty about the whole thing. I barely feel any better about the break up (especially since I heard my ex asked a mutual friend how I am doing but did not bother to answer any texts I've sent him two months ago - apparently telling our friend that he does not see the point in engaging in pointless conversations regardless of how HE is feeling about me/the matter). My former job was really stressing me out and instead of getting feedback to know if I was doing something wrong I was just let go On some level I feel like I am losing control and I get the urge to just stop caring and go with the flow and just enjoy (I guess?) not having a job, being single, and just roll with it and see what life throws at me. But I don't know... TL;DR Lost my job, got dumped, and I can t help but feel bitter about it and miserable despite other things going well (travelling, my relationship to my dad improving)

I can't keep up with my partner's ADHD and it's been a year.

(M22) and my partner (F22) Idk how to feel about myself because this person gives their all to me. Takes care of me in my worst. Cooks for me, reminds me of my classes/assignments deadlines. We've been living together for three months now and I try and do as much as I can to not mess their mood up- I clean up before they come home from class, I cook for us when they have a long day/prepare for a recipe - that I don't know how to cook. However they get really annoyed from the smallest of things, in a VERY short span of time- say within 15 minutes they squealed loudly thrice because our cats kept meowing for food, she was doing couple of things at a time in the kitchen. I had just come back from a class to have lunch, I saw they got annoyed w the cats, I understood and asked them to come (because honestly idk wtf to react/do/. But the third time they squealed and I got annoyed and told them to take a deep breath and chill, they're only cats and they do dumb shit like that. After this my partner went silent and immediately started crying, when I asked them what did I do wrong, they said "you can't be annoyed with me getting annoyed, rather than showing compassion or caring, you got more annoyed at me being annoyed"... "Idk I'm sorry for being annoyed, do I have to apologise for that ?" I've got nothing to say to that, I tried explaining to them that I myself was very overwhelmed in the moment, my birthday is due this week, I got a full scholarship to complete my masters degree, I miss my father ever so terribly (Lost him to COVID in 21'). I really don't know what to do or say, I feel terrible as a human for her to feel that I'm not compassionate.

Senior in college, can't graduate after all those years of loathing

I am 25 yo. Looking back, everything I've done was the recipe for disaster. Enrolled in Architecture which I was supposedly good at but hated it. I switched to Computer Science which I was less good at but ended up hating nonetheless. What happend in those years in CS was I would get things done last minute, then forget everything over Summer/Winter break. Ended up with 3.2 GPA largely due the school's policy where the admistrations gave out grades more generously during COVID because of the quarantine. If it weren't for such policy, I would've gotten 2.5 GPA at best. Fast forward to today, I'm supposed to graduate this year but I can't. Last year I failed out of graduation project. This year, I'm still not ready because I cant tolerate CS anymore. I hated the college experience, the major, just everything to the point it gave me TMJ, depression (it's a bit better now), and social anxiety. I can't graduate because I know nothing about the major. I try to catch up, but I also can't focus because it has gone to the point where it makes me miserable every time I try to teach myself how to code. My mother is devastated of this situation, and heck she even has nightmares bc of my situation. She wants me to graduate next semester no matter what, but that realistically isn't gonna happen bc I still don't know shit. Since we are struggling financially, she just wants me to graduate, but not being able to help my situation is hurting her every second. Knowing it's all my fault guilt is taking over. I can't make it out of this situation alive. I try applying for internships to justify another year off from college, with no luck. Life is not worth living anymore.

Ex girlfriend who dumped me keeps reaching out

Ex girlfriend who dumped me keeps contacting me. In October my ex girlfriend and I broke up, it was a long break up and we didn’t officially stop speaking until January when she started seeing someone else. Since then she’s reached out twice, once back in May and this second time just a few days ago. She texted me at like 2 am and we ended up talking for 4 hours. She said whenever she gets drunk, so about every weekend, she gets the urge to call or text me. I miss her so much and it was so nice to talk to her. She doesn’t seem happy with her life and her new relationship and it pains me to see her like this. We had a connection like no other and we still do, but I can’t just wait around but nor do I want to start over with anyone else ever again. I feel empty We’ve gone back to not talking, but I have a feeling she’ll reach out soon again.

I'm 21 and it's finally hit me, I truly won't get anywhere in life. Ive lost my childhood, and now my future. (For valid, medical reasons)

In advance, this is gonna be a long post, so I don't expect anyone to read it. I guess sending this out into the void, and writing it down, is comforting to some extent. I just.. I dunno. I need somewhere to say this. I'm talking to a therapist, and have a psychologist, and a family doctor, and a big support network, but its only just hitting me now. I won't amount to anything special, and if there is any chance that I will, its very, very low. For some context, I've been abused ever since I can remember, and only managed to get out at 17. My memories of my childhood are lost to me, and I will most likely never get them back. I've talked to professionals about it, and the best they can tell me is "I'm sorry, but I don't think there's anything I can do to just bring your memories back." And what little memories I do have, are filled with every negative emotion possible. To summarize the experiences I went through without making an essay, I'll just say this. I went from being a baby that was neglected, and physically abused, to a toddler with the same issues, until eventually I was put into foster care. Then, I was locked up in a horrible person's basement for 2 years before anyone got me out, consisting of mental and physical abuse the entire time. Then from that, I went back to my family, only to find out my parent was a drug addict, and was promptly, you guessed it, physically and mentally abused. Anything from them attempting to take my life, from simple words like "No one loves you, and no one ever will. Your a demon, a monster, and worthless." I finally managed to get out at 17, but I guess the damage was done. I went to live with different family members, and experienced for the first time in my life, unconditional love from a parental figure. The amount of times I cried because I'd never experienced something as simple as a "Its OK, I'm not mad at you, just try not to do it again" is astounding. From that point on, I tried working.. I got my first ever job, as well as my own learners license, a bank account, access to my own SIN and health details, in the course of a year. I already had issues with my job, moreso than the average person, again, for mostly mental health reasons. And ever since then, it's been a struggle to maintain a job and stable income. Eventually, I tried to get on government assistance so I had time, and some money, to work on myself and try to "fix" myself. I'll admit, I'm alot better than I was before, and I wouldn't be alive right now if it wasent for all the work I put in. But I'm just starting to realize that, it's just not enough, and most likely never will be. Its been recommended that I go to the second stage of government assisted income stuffs by a few doctors now. But I didn't listen to them at first.. I kept trying to get jobs, kept trying to hold them down, did everything in my power to be a normal, functioning member of society, who is capable of more than just retail. But, unfortunately my resolve can only go so far. I'm taking steps into getting on aish, and will most likely be on it for a long time, if not permanently. I dunno, it just sucks knowing that I'll never get to experience life like a normal person. Get up, go to work every day, make money, be able to afford hobbies and things I enjoy etc. I've lost my childhood, and now I feel as though I've lost my future. But hey, at least I get to play lots of video games and read books and.. I dunno. Honestly, I just feel like everything I do is meaningless now. Yay, I get to wake up and play games for 12 hours and go back to bed. So fun. And honestly, people tell me I'm living the dream. "You have so much free time" and "you can do whatever you want!" Yeah well, I've got fuck all for income, and am basically a leech to society.

I need advice on this message to send my ex. Please help

Need advice on this message to send my ex For context I started “dating” my ex when I was 17f and he was 34m. I say “dating” cause he made me tell everyone I was just a friend till I fell pregnant at 19. He wasn’t the nicest person but I grew up with abusive parents and he seem like a saint compared to them, I honestly thought I couldn’t live without him so I put up with his emotional abuse and cheating. When I was 20 he SAed my at the time 16 year old sister and her 15 year old friend after getting them dr*nk and trying to get them to take hard dr*gs. That was three years ago and we’ve been No contact with him for the last year. We kept in contact for our son but he wouldn’t stop talking about ending my sisters life for “lying” and demanded I stopped child support, $7 a fortnight. Ive told him since we started dating that I believed if the father wasn’t in the childs life he shouldn’t pay child support but that works both way which I reminded him and his response was “how long will it take?” So we’ve been NC. Today he tried adding my son on SnapChat, I made him an account to send me, my partner and his cousins photos. I blocked him but I want to send him a message to remind him of our arrangement. This is what I have your opinions would be much appreciated as I want to approach this in a way that he can’t use to villainies me in the future “Hello BD I seen you tried to add son onto Snapchat. I have told son that we can’t talk to you right now until he his old enough to understand wrong and right and that you did some horrible things. Then and only then he can decide whether or not he wants contact with you. We cut contact with you originally because your hateful talk was upsetting not just myself but son aswell to the point he was no longer excited to talk to you and didn’t want too call, also all communication was one sided with us putting in most of the effort which is not ok. I have told you since the start of out “relationship” that I believed men who didn’t get to or want to see their kids shouldn’t pay child support but that works both way, you didn’t want to put out the $7 a fortnight for MY child and yes I say MINE because even while we were together I supported the three of us while you gambled. Please respect these already established boundaries that we spoke about a year ago. Your side of the family are more then welcome to have contact with him which I have already been allowing for the last year but the moment they start with any drama or bullshit that a young child shouldn’t be hearing or dealing with they will be blocked along side you until his old enough to handle everything. IF my boundaries are not respected and you continue to pursue contact either through your own accounts or your family members accounts I will be reinstating child support and if you fight or refuse I’ll be asking the courts for a full custody agreement and to have full parental rights, and since you have a charge against minor/s I don’t think it’ll be much of a fight so please just respect my boundaries and wait for the day son can understand everything” Thanks for any advice x

Current relationship

So. My bfM 21 me F23keeps his ex in his phone, keeps it platonic and has it open Incase she needs him or whatever “I’m like her only friend she’s ever had.” That’s sweet and all. But I wanted to stay friends with my ex but it made him entire uncomfortable so I am not friends with him I do not interact with him and he does not interact with me. Now my bf doesn’t reach out to her first at all. Recently she texted him practically bashing me on if I take care of his mental health well or not. He stood up for me yeah. But asks me if he should just end it block her and all and I told him I’m done asking for it. Idc anymore. Like if he cares about her so much why be with me. She also has a bf. So. I’m just done I feel hurt and frustrated. Advice?..

My FIL is making me rethink my marriage

My FIL is making me rethink marring my fiancé Me F23 and M25 are getting married. We’ve been together for 8 years. He is the most honest, loving, and loyal person I’ve ever met. We’ve had rough patches over the years but overall we’ve talked it out and I can honestly say I truly thought I’d grow old with this person. Even when I met his family I easily clicked with his sister sense she was one year older than me and I would always hangout with his mom too because she is the sweetest person. However I do not like his dad. He is an alcoholic that drinks ALL the time. I’ve been told story’s where he gets very angry with his words when he’s drunk and he gets into screaming matches. Everyone has cut him off except for my fiancé. He has a great heart and is very forgiving. The reason why I don’t like his dad is not because he is an alcoholic but because overall he is a bad person. He always forgets my fiancés birthday and one time I overheard him on the phone with MIL (are now divorced) and when she told him he forgot his son’s birthday he yelled “FUCK” then hung up. After that he proceeded to lie to my fiancé that he didn’t forget but he didn’t say happy birthday because he was busy. There was another time where my fiancé went to visit him for Father’s Day and my fiancé came home very disappointed and told me he didn’t have fun because his dad was drinking. Now we get to the real story. As we are planing our wedding I make it very clear I don’t want his dad to attend the wedding. There will be alcohol there and because everyone cut him off there is no one who will take responsibility of him to make sure he makes good choices. Even if someone was watching over him I still wouldn’t allow him to come because of how much he’s hurt the people I love. My fiancé got upset and said that it was his dad and that even though his dad constantly makes him upset that he still loves him and wants him to attend a once and a lifetime event. I told him just because he’s his dad doesn’t mean he should get a free pass to come and that because a wedding is a once and a lifetime event that he shouldn’t be there to ruin it. We ended up getting into a big fight. He said that sense his dad isn’t going to come that my dad shouldn’t either to which i replied that my dad isn’t a drunk. He has continued to tell me that it is his wedding too and that he should invite whoever he chooses to which I replied that it is also my wedding and I can choose who I don’t want to come as well. I’m not budging with my decision and I honestly am rethinking even wanting to marry this person. I love my fiancé very much and don’t want to give up my future with him but I can’t do this if his dad constantly gets in the way.

Tired of open up

To whoever created this space, thank you, now I feel a little better after writing all this. It's always the same. I have gotten to the point of not opening up that much. Just let people know superficial things about me. Nothing deep. I'm so tired of letting people in because I know that at some point they will leave and I'll start all over again with someone new. I was really bad at school and since I was really bad, I grew up thinking I was not enough. That really crushed my self esteem. Sometimes I think that other people are better than me. Which I know it's false since no one is better than anyone else, it's just that people are different. I'm a happy person and I smile all the time. I have a great life. But I feel that something is missing. I feel incomplete. I'm not sure if it's the fact that recently I found out that I come from crypto-jews that left Spain and Portugal thanks to the inquisition. I even have jewish DNA. Since that day I stopped going to church. I used to go every Thursday since I was 14 (I'm 31). Every Thursday people go and sing christian songs, etc. And I used to enjoy that time. Also I stopped going to church every Sunday. You know that friend that has lots of trust in God and you ask her to pray for you because you know God is gonna hear her? Well, that's me. My friends always call me if they need a prayer. I always felt like an old lady going to church. And I pictured myself in the future being like that. I went to a christian catholic school. I even went to christian missions, spent holidays in this very poor area of my country, helping poor people. Slept on the floor. Played with kids. I suffered a lot when I saw an old woman carrying water from a lake (the water was dirty). That image has stayed with me since that day. And I promised myself to never forget them and eventually help them in the future. After that I started to feel very guilty. I started to feel bad for having clean water and for being able to take a shower. Because they didn't have that. So I really, really, really became sad. And please, don't get me wrong. I'm very grateful to God. Since I was a kid I've always been a sensitive person. I'm really empathetic. I know that 's one of my greatest gifts since people always tell me they feel better after talking to me (even since I was a kid, old people used to say that to me). Each time they feel sad or need someone I'm always there supporting. I'm super cheerful all the time, with lots of energy and a big smile. But from time to time I feel lonely... I don't allow myself to fall in love with someone because I have this idea of being successful. I don't really care if the other person has money or not. So that's why I'm so hard on myself. I want my kids to have more than what my parents have given me and tbh that's a lot. So yeah, that's a little resume of what's going on in my mind. Hope no one reads this since my English is not thaaaaat good. And if you did it, I want to say thank you, because now I feel a little better. Btw I don't like religions. Religions divide people. I believe in God. From the bottom of my heart, thank you for reading.

Someone asked in a forum “have you ever been in love” here’s my response

Yes **she was perfect** and **I messed up.** I don’t know if it was out of **insecurity or just feeling like that for someone for the first time** but I regret not going for it. **She was energetic, outgoing, fun, and always so happy brining a smile to my face every time I saw her something that I never did** I was a co-worker of hers we went to the same middle school but then we’re in different high schools. She was slightly older then me but we were the grade level. **She flirted with me** at work but I didn’t notice that’s what it was and just enjoyed the conversations. She even **called me her work husband** to her friends. Funny enough she even *said “so why don you finally just go out with me”* after I said something in the middle of a shift and I didn’t respond….I should’ve said yes. Even after this when I went to six flags with friends we ran into her sometime in the day. Me and the two friends knew I thought about her from time to time and thought I liked her too. When we bumbled into her one of the girls that I was with went up and talked to her about something in private. I thought it was just gossip at the time but we eventually split off from them and that’s when **she asked me (the friend I was with asked me) do you like H? I denied it**….it’s been I’d say two years since then and a lot has changed. If I was given lone more chance I would’ve taken her up on that offer and maybe even started going out with her then and there. Instead what I did was follow **one phrase that stuck in my mind and the phrase I used when my friends asked if I liked her…..”it would never work out” but that’s not the full sentence in my head the full sentence that I never told anyone “it would never work out….we’re too different, everything from how we grew up to our friend groups to our outlook on like. She’s too good for me”.** I regret that insecurity and that stupidity and if I was given one more chance I would date her and **do everything I could to give her the world**

about to graduate with my BA and I'm completely certain I made the wrong choice

This might be kind of a long post and I don't really post much on Reddit, so I apologize in advance lol I have no idea where to put any of this or who to talk to. I (23f) am graduating next month with a BA in political science. When I was in high school and applying to colleges, I felt soooo sure about the timeline that I had in my head -- I would definitely graduate in May 2022, I wanted to work in the field of my selected major, etc. etc. etc. Fast forward a couple of years. During my sophomore year, I had to take the spring semester off to escape an abusive relationship that I was involved in and move out of state. That same year, the pandemic happened and everything was switched to online Zoom classes. My university required students to come back to campus for the Fall 2021 semester, and I live out of state. I did not have the financial ability to move back and secure housing, so then I took a year off. Now I'm graduating in August of this year. I want to say, I have completely gotten past my feelings about not graduating "on time", whatever that looked like in my head when I was 18. There were events that occurred during my undergraduate career that I couldn't foresee and also, if we're talking about COVID, that the world could not foresee. The problem that I feel like I'm grappling with now is that I know exactly what I want to do with my life, I've known it for a long time, and it's something that I have wanted to do for basically my whole life. Also, it is completely unrelated to any of what I put in hours and hours of effort into during undergrad. The life that I know I want has nothing to do with political science or internships or anything like that. I am already weighing my options and considering enrolling in a different university right after I receive my diploma from my current university and pursuing the major that I should have pursued from the beginning. All of the feelings that I'm having right now make it seem impossible to believe that I didn't completely screw myself. Not only is another bachelor's degree another huge investment, but I feel like I'm just losing steam when it comes to ambition. It's hard to look at the decisions I've made during my academic career and not feel a little bit depressed, because a year into undergrad I had the thought that I wasn't on the right path but powered through it because "Well, I've already come this far". And now that I'm at the end of it, and I wish I could go back in time and punch my younger self in the face or something. I know I'm still really young and everybody is on different paths and sometimes people figure out what they want to do later in life, but I just feel so disheartened about everything now. I'm sure a lot of this sounds like nihilistic whining, but I didn't know where else to put it.

Don't worry, you'll never see your ex again...

You won't ever stumble upon her, me.

I don’t think I’ll evert get over the unfair treatment between me and my sister, and that bitterness worries me

My younger sister always misbehaved at home and in school. She was caught selling and taking dad’s drugs, she was brought home by cops for sneaking out, she stole your car for joyrides without a license, and she was inconsistent with chores around the house. While you scolded her, you found her charming and amusing because of course, she has a personality you can’t help but love, but she could never really do wrong in your eyes. Comparatively, I was a decent student, I did extracurriculars, I always had a job to support my endeavors, and I walked or biked to work without much complaining (even though you gave your old car to my sister). However, seemingly every little thing I didn’t do correctly would set you off beyond reasonable and you put a lot of unfair burdens on me. My sister moved out of the house as soon as she could while I stayed home and helped out around the house as much as possible with two jobs and school. When I moved to a different city, I still came home to visit to help around the house when my sister didn’t despite living down the street. Years later, she moved cities, and dad got worse. I still called and visited and helped out when I could to even now. However, she still doesn’t call y’all (unless it’s asking for money), she doesn’t visit (except when she’s come to town for a concert or something convenient to her), and she’s taken thousands from y’all without trying to do anything to help with the family problems ((my sister is no longer on drugs, she just went into debt because of a bad relationship and financial decisions)) I only hear from my sister when she wants me to help her friends with homework or my account password despite my attempts to talk more or get her to engage with the family more. I’ve done so much to support her over the years, and I know that if I was ever in a similar situation she would leave me out to dry. I helped because I love her and still do, but I’m sad at her selfishness even though love isn’t transactional. I guess I want to know why she still is infallible in your eyes. Why is what I constantly do for the family now not good enough? I give you my time, my sweat, lots of tears, and monetary support or gifts (when I can) for you to say “not to diminish this BUT” and it’s so disheartening. Growing up I felt like if life were a race, my mom would’ve broken my legs to give my sister the advantage over me and I don’t understand what I did, and why what I do now still isn’t enough. To be fair, my mom and I only really started to repair our relationship a year ago and it only happened because we hung out with just the two of us and basically talked about inconsequential bullshit and she said “you know, it was pleasant talking to you pretending like you weren’t my daughter” and I don’t understand.

Saying See You Later To My Pup

9 months ago, I went home to visit my mother. During that visit she told me that someone had dumped a litter of puppies on their road and they were living in a storm drain just above the house. The local people were feeding them whatever they could to keep them alive but no one would take them outside of that. So I decided that they’d come home with me and my wife and I would find them good homes. Once we arrived my wife spotted the little yellow boy and she told me that he’s not going anywhere. That’s where our journey began. He was covered in fleas and ticks so we gave him a proper bath. It didn’t take us long to pick out a name for the little guy. Diesel, named after the mascot for our favorite local hockey team that we both share a passion for. As time went on, we faced all the regular “problems” that come with puppies. Lack of sleep, lots of cleaning up pee and poop, replacing toys we just bought because he shredded them. We fell in love with him. But something was off about Diesel. He started showing signs of aggression towards other people at the vets office. It didn’t start off that way though. We would go in every 3 weeks to get his shots and anything else he needed. Each time was worse than the last. He eventually would end up on a cocktail of medications to help with his fear and anxiety but he was a strong little man and the medication didn’t help him as much as we needed. We fortunately became well off enough to hire not a trainer but a full blown animal behaviorist. A doctor that specializes in cases like his. She recommended we get him neutered and then we’d start our sessions with her. He recovered quickly but his aggression started to ramp up at the house towards my wife mostly but also my other dog and myself. His aggression isn’t like most though. Most dogs show signs of being uncomfortable or they attempt to warn before it goes to far. Not Diesel though, each bite was out of the blue and worse than the last. Last Thursday was the worst though. My wife would pet him prior to leaving for work every morning. This routine happened so often that Diesel would sit patiently by the door and wait for her. This time something happened and he latched down onto her wrist puncturing and causing some bleeding and swelling. That was the last incident we could take though. Even though we love this pup we brought home to save, we can’t save him from himself. So today we lay him to rest, he’s my sweet little baby man 90% of the time, but that other 10% he’s dangerous. I’ll always love him and he may take a piece of me today when he crosses that rainbow bridge but I will love him for a life time. He’s taught me more about myself than I could ever figure out on my own. I’ll see you in the next one bud, Mr. Dad and Lady Mom love you so very much.

I hate my birthday and I hate my family. NAW (No advice wanted)

I hate how I’m reminded that I was brought into the world that day. I hate how every single time it’s my birthday it’s a roller coaster of emotions of being angry, sad and disappointed. All the arguments about wanting to go to Red Lobster or Olive Garden, about asking for noise cancelling headphones cuz of my autism and how I dislike the sound of the outside world when in public. I hate how I was called greedy and selfish for asking about my present 2 hours after dinner when they said they would give me my present after dinner. I hate how my mom threw the box at me saying “HERE!” I threw that box back at her and said I don’t want it anymore. I hate that my family abused me over bullshit things like forgetting my homework at school and getting a note from the teacher cuz of it. I hate that my brother told me to get over all the abuse and trauma like it’s so fucking simple. I hate how my mom tries to control me by telling me what to do where to go and that any of my career choices aren’t good enough. I hate how I was abused for things I didn’t even do like throwing out expired yogurt when all I did was watch my cartoons on the T.V. I hate how my parents don’t even see me as human being with emotions. I hate my mom for judging me for taking anti depressants and going to therapy. I hate how my mom tells me that I don’t need it. I hate it how it feels like I have this collar around my neck and my mom is the one holding that leash. I hate that they wouldn’t let me go sleep overs as a kid. I hate that if I didn’t understand something in my homework I was hit for it. I hate that my mom and brother called me greedy when I only every ask for things during Christmas and Birthdays. I hate how my mom takes advantage of me ever since I started working. I hate that she asked me for money when I was saving up for a cellphone at 14 when I have a brother 9 years older than me that she could have asked. I hate that she helped pay for my cellphone with the money she owed me and told me that I had to pay her back. I hate how my brother has this belief that we should pay back our parents for raising us when it’s their fucking job as parents who wanted children. I hate how my brother had more freedom to go out with friends and do things while I had to fight scream and cry just to spend New Year’s Eve at my bfs parents place with him at 18. I hate how I had to ask my mom if I wanted to buy something with the money I earned. I hate that my mom told me what to do when to go to bed and when to shower when I’m fully capable of doing it myself. I told her I can do it and that I don’t need to be told what to do. I hate how my mom compares me to a 16 year old that apparently lost their mind to video games when I’m in my fucking 20’s and play video games. I hate that my mom only sees me as a child incapable of doing anything. I hate how my parents give me false hope on presents, or going to restaurants for my birthday or Christmas. I hate that cuz of them I don’t like who I am. I hate that I have trauma cuz of them. I hate how they didn’t tell me that I’m autistic and found out myself. I hate how they knew I struggled in school and instead of helping me they beat me for it saying “I’m just waking up your brain” by hurting me. I hate how the people who were suppose to love and care for me hurt me. I hate that the people who hurt me are my family.

I hate humans

This planet will never cease to enrage me. I hate it.

Why is it so hard to make friends as an adult woman?

Feeling hopeless... I 30 something female have always had a hard time making friends. Especially now that I'm older. The people I thought were my friends were never there for me or are they're toxic. The last best friend I had she was a little older than me. I was single at the time and she was married. We would go to local bars and she would have to be the center of attention. Always competing with me for the attention of males. She would even be all over one of my clearly GAY guy friends. Needless to say... I cut contact her when I met my boyfriend now husband. I've tried Bumble and reaching out to old friends from high school 😪 no luck. The women I tried to talk to on Bumble didn't seem interested in actually ever meeting or hanging out. I thought I was dating all over again.... Any way any suggestions on how to make friends would be greatly appreciated.

My mom's tiny comment about my sexuality fucked me up and Idk how to feel now.

So, needless to say I (F18) am still a teenager and incredibly emotional so most of this stuff doesn't even make sense and I'm sure I'm making mountains out of mole hills. But it still feels weird and awful. So my mom (35) and I have always had a rocky relationship. We're way too close and that blurs a lot of the lines of respect a parental relationship should have. So, naturally, we argue ALL the time over EVERYTHING lol. We both have our issues that we're trying to fix, though, so that's just for context. Anyway, earlier today we had another argument because of a miscommunication. We were both in the wrong and we both admitted it. But, once we were talking about to discuss and be better, she mentioned to me how she does so much for me and "swallows so much of her distastes" for my sake. And she used my sexuality as an example. I've recently came out as bisexual and also am currently dating a trans man who is both very feminine and early into his transition. Even though she said she doesn't care and she said she'll allow anything to make me happy, she still said that if I don't stop being "difficult" she would start prohibiting me from seeing my boyfriend and also tear down my pride flag (I've had it on my wall for about 2 days). I know she didn't mean any of those threats and wouldn't go through with them; But the new found knowledge that my mom doesn't actually support e, but rather "tolerates" me and my identity really messed me up. I don't know why I expected different knowing she was raised by very devout evangelists.. But it still shocked me. I've gone as far as to pull down my flag. I just don't feel as proud or comfortable with it. I wish I never told her I was dating someone so she'd stop bringing him up and accidentally misgendering him so constantly. I definitely know I'm complaining with a mouthful thoe. The fact she allows me to be myself in her house is already so amazing. And she tries her best to keep up and be supportive in her own way; Which is why I'm so shocked she's actually kind of against it... Idk. I'm probably just sleepy or hungry or something. I'm a teenage girl so everything is so much more dramatic. Normally I'd talk about this with my mom but..... reddit is better this time lol.

I have no drive in life.

Some people said they're motivated by money. I don't. I don't have anything I want to own anyway. The amount of effort needed is way too much. The thing I want is constantly dismissed by my parents. Even if I fight for it my mother will act like she's the one suffering the most, and I hurt her. It happened over and over again. Why should I bother. I want to get out of this house. I want to get out. I want to have my own home. But I'm tired. Everyone is tired. Yes, I know. I just don't have as much drive as anyone else's. I know the problem is me, who is not conforming to society's standard. I know. Why do I have to live again? It's better for either side that someone like me to never exist.

My fiancee and I are about to be homeless and I'm terrified.

Hi. Jesus this is gonna be long. I'm sorry for any spelling issues, this is written during a panic attack. So. I'm 19(F), my Fiancee is 21(F). We've been engaged ever since January of this year. We do not plan to marry, we just wanted to show commitment. We've been living together since December 31st when I escaped an awful situation in another state and came to stay with her, and she's been an absolute angel ever since. We have our ups and downs, but I will never in my life stop loving this woman. The issue started 3 months ago, when we needed to find an apartment but our now ex-bf(20) began calling us in a panic that he was in danger and that his parents were toxic and awful (that's a different story for another time). He drained our finances when he was here, refused to work for anyone for more than 6 hours, and then got angry when his checks weren't big or he didn't get paid enough. He ended up taking about $400 from my fiancee and I and it has officially crippled us financially. Currently, he's gone. We are being told that we have to move out because our home is being sold soon from under us and we have been trying to apply everywhere we can. It's genuinely terrifying to be having the risk of being homeless thrown at you so easily. I was diagnosed with Schizophrenia and POTS, but have been rejected for Social Security because I "work too much for it to affect me" which makes no sense. My Fiancee also has POTS, but keeps getting rejected as well. Overall, because of our issues, finding work is incredibly difficult and hard to keep up with, especially with my lack of an education because of financial instability in the past. Before I came here, I was living on the streets by myself and working as an 'Adult Pleasure Worker', so to speak. I hated every second of it but it got me enough money to get to my fiancee quickly. Now, because of this situation, my mind keeps flicking back to how my life was back in the other state. How often I had to 'suck it up' just to be able to have enough food to eat and somewhere safe-ish to sleep without worrying that I'd be killed. I can't talk to my Fiancee about any of these fears I have. I can't talk to her about my anxieties about it because when she says we'll be okay I can tell that she's lying and she's scared too, so I've been trying to comfort her without letting her see how utterly terrified I am of my old life. I don't want to be an alcoholic Pleasure Worker again, I can't stand the thought of it happening to me again. I don't want her to be homeless and have to sleep in her car, either. I'm f\*cking scared and I wish I had my parents still but I know better than anyone else that they'll never come back for me, they made that clear when they said it themselves. Sorry about the long-ish and extremely intense post. I just needed a place to vent.

I’m resenting my bestie, I don’t know if she deserves it though

I have a sister, who struggles with PoTs (severe condition), disautonomia and has fibrosis in her heart. She was sent outside of the country because of her condition and she needs more experienced staff. Anyways, the thing is that my bestie is a stoner, and she’s friends with my sister too. My sister smokes up occasionally and rarely, she rarely drinks like once in a year with only two shots max. One time she smoked with this friend and she fainted on her face, breaking her nose and front teeth, and the broken parts of her teeth went inside her lips. She lost the sensation in her lips because of that (after multiple surgeries. Another time she was with this friend and took “Lyrica” + smoked up. Then she fainted in her car and had a near death experience. But luckily she was fine. My sister used to take “lyrica” sometimes to uplift her mood, but not so much. Because she’s being checked outside the country, this friend traveled and visited her, she went to her and told her that she’s brought her something to have fun with. For three days, my sister was the happiest, yet she took “Lyrica” in the first day, smoked up, and drank two drinks. The second day she did the same thing then my friend told her to try MDMA, and she enjoyed it. The third day, she smoked up, drank two shots and then had Ecstasy. She was over the moon but then she laid down and suddenly asked my friend to call the ambulance. My sister told me that she had a near death experience, she felt she was dying yet it was ready to surrender peacefully. She fainted for ten minutes then started to feel that she’s awake but couldn’t move at all. She couldn’t even use her eyes and felt like she didn’t have a body (it was so numb) and felt that there was an elephant laying on her chest and couldn’t breathe. They took her to the ambulance, they gave her oxygen, and then she opened her eyes yet couldn’t move. She head back home because the women at the ambulance was treating her badly and told her she’ll be fine. My friend carried her to the car and while they were driving my sister fainted again.. then she woke up but couldn’t open her eyes or move anything in her body and there was the feeling of an elephant on her chest. My friend carried her to their apartment, (my friend with her friends) they thought that she was sleeping but she was awake and in pain yet couldn’t move at all. She stayed there from 10 pm till 7 am, and then she started to move. She didn’t want anyone to feel guilty so she headed home. She felt better but the pain in her chest was insane. She then luckily slept. After that, she woke up, and then she started to feel the pain again and started shaking and feeling numb and had a seizure my mom was extremely worried, but then she went to lay down again and didn’t go to the hospital (she didn’t want them to write down that she took drugs and didn’t want my mom to know) She slept again, the next day she felt the elephant feeling pressing on her chest and was breathing heavily and felt numb again and almost fainted. But she laid down and tried to sleep, she booked an urgent appointment with her doctor and it’s supposed to be today. She called me last night and told me everything I was about to cry but I didn’t say much I comforted her and told her she needs to be honest with the doctor, because she was afraid of telling him about the drugs. I told her she have to tell him. I felt resentful towards my friend specially that my sister is only 24 and my friend is almost 30 and my sister fainted twice before this in front of her. I know that my friend is stupid and I know that she had good intentions and it’s not her responsibility and my sister should care for herself and it’s my sisters responsibility but I think the influence of my friend and her friends made her take them. It’s my sister’s first time with the ecstasy and my friend has an experience with it and she also takes cocaine. I know it’s illogical to resent her, but I can’t help it. I’m worried about my stupid sister.

Some of us can't just decide for life to be better

I've been sick for two weeks so far. I'm going to the doctor today. I was woken up by a coughing fit, that I think lasted anywhere from half an hour to a full hour. Last week my art tablet just died too, and it's just my luck that the very next day I immediately caught this shit. And of course, it's me. I catch this, despite my housemates being the disgusting shits. Of course when I caught this cold my housemates randomly decided to invite two guests over for five days without letting me know. So great. And fuck you housemate that decided to indirectly ask me to bring in your stupid amazon package. You stabbed me in the back before and I hope you fucking stub your toe. Just because I'm home cause I'm sick doesn't mean I'll be up or active at the time you need me. Especially when you hear me just dying first thing in the morning, why do you think I have it in me to bring your damn package in when I barely get sleep in the first place. And my friend that used to work at my job had to check in on me because there were rumors about how I was gonna quit work. I don't know why some random asshole at work decided to make rumors about me quitting. It's literally not even his department, and how the fuck does this asshole even know. All this brings me back to this moment, someone told me, "You gotta get your life together man and stop being miserable." Ooh teehee, you're right, it's my fault that I'm suffering this way. I'm such a dunce, I decided to put myself here when I can get myself out. Fuck you, and I hope your bacon fucking burns. Not all of us get a choice. I didn't decide to be poor, I didn't decide to be born with adhd, I didn't decide to be born to a house of abusers and I certainly didn't decide to keep living a shithole life. I've done the best I could with the hand I was given and I struggled every fucking bit of what I earned. I hope that the person who thinks I'm just 'deciding' to be miserable falls to my level for about a year and chokes on the misery.

Thought he stood me up on our date, turns out he died…

Literally what the title says, I’m in shock rn idek what to say really. We’ve been on 4 dates and instantly clicked and had so much in common and constantly talked and he was just awesome, had sex on our third date and it was amazing as well. I really thought I had found a good one. And then right before our 5th date he went radio silent and promptly stood me up at the restaurant. Or so I thought. I thought “oh well he probably got something better to do thank god it’s only been like 3 weeks and I didn’t get too invested” but I also really liked him and was hella mad. 4 whole days of me delving into every insecurity I ever had trying to find a reason he would ghost me like this and embarrass me by standing me up. And then I met my friend (his coworker) who introduced him to me. I didn’t want to seem unpleasant or anything so I just told him to tell the guy I’m not mad that he stood me up, to then be met with the saddest look. - D..did you not know? - Know what? - _____ died. He got into a car crash on the 6th and died. How did you not know that? I was speechless. For days I thought this wonderful guy ghosted me for no reason and was terribly pissed with him. Turns out he got clipped by a reckless driver and died on his way to our date. I don’t even know how to react. I’m just so flabbergasted right now. I’ve known him for less than a month, how does one even deal with something like this? ETA: Thank you all so much for your words and thoughts and it is incredibly heartwarming for me to hear. And I would like to extend my love and condolences to those of you who had been through similar situations. I would just like to answer some of your questions: 1. I'm honestly not bothered anymore about our relationship and the what-ifs simply because it had barely been a month and still very much premature, and any anger or resentment I had when I thought I was ghosted has subsided even before I knew of everything and I don't feel much guilt about that anger as I know it was justified due to me not knowing of his demise. However, I still feel very sad simply because this guy is genuinely a very great person with such a promising future that I have grown to respect and root for him even beyond romantic/sexual attraction. So knowing that all of that had been cut short is incredibly heartbreaking for me. 2. A lot of you guys have been asking why my friend would ask me how I didn't know of his death, or why he didn't tell me about the news or check up on me beforehand. The answer is simply that he just assumed I already knew. I gushed about this guy to my friend a lot and thanked him for introducing me to him, and apparently, he did the same about me to this friend too (my friend is his direct superior so they talk a lot), and even wanted to introduce me to his sister. So apparently my friend thought that he and I have become close enough that when the guy died I would somehow know. I have never met his sister or any of his family and never knew about his plans to introduce me to her. I simply told my friend that I didn't know and that was that, nothing left to say. 3. I don't plan on meeting or doing anything with his family or go to his funeral really, I was no more than a little blip in his 21-year life so there isn't any reason for me to get any deeper. I did, however, send a message to his sister through social media to give my condolences, only as a friend of course. She thanked me and that's it. 4. I'm not planning to go to therapy, at least for now and not for this (broke immigrant college student from a third-world country), but I've had amazing support from friends. Anyway, thank you so much.

Sometimes I orgasm before I meet my partner to have sex so I can fake it during and still be satisfied.

Sometimes I also orgasm before sex with my partner and fake another orgasm during. I want to orgasm during sex so badly but I just can’t and it takes too long….

I am so tired of insecure people excusing terrible behavior because they haven’t made peace with their own past

“That doesn’t make them a bad person” literally nobody said they were a bad person stfu and listen. It says a lot about you, that you heard “this person touched me in a sexual way without asking and that made me uncomfortable,” and all you think about is how the person who made them uncomfortable “isn’t bad.” I hate this stupid world and the milquetoast PA people in it. If you hear about someone doing something you regret doing that you haven’t forgiven yourself for JOURNAL IT. Don’t make it everyone else’s problem especially when it’s about consent, like half the world has been sexually violated stfu.

I miss the feeling of having genuine crushes on people and I’m starting to think I might just not have that in me anymore

It’s been maybe a year and a half since I’ve had an actual crush on someone, and before that one it had probably been a similar length of time too. I’ve never been in a relationship and when I was in high school I’d constantly crush on girls. Back then I was a bit more shy when it came to interacting with girls and would get easily embarrassed, and so I think it made it easier for me to idealise any girls who I connected with even a little. I’m 25 now, have quite a few friends of the opposite sex, I’m more comfortable with myself and repeated unrequited crushes have made me a bit more guarded and cynical, and so it’s rare that I crush on someone now unless I really feel like there’s a mutual connection. But I kind of just miss that feeling when you’re falling for someone. I haven’t met many new people at all in a long time. I’ve had ‘talking stages’ from dating apps, little flirtations here and there, had people be attracted to me, but I’ve not had what felt like the start of a genuine connection in a long time. And yeah, basically all of my crushes have went unrequited in the past, and it’s perhaps a good thing for me that it’s more rare now. But I still miss it. There’s just nothing more exciting than that spark, feeling really attracted to someone, finding new quirks of their personality or behaviours of theirs that you adore, enjoying the moments where you both flirt or you’re just spending time together and you can’t believe how much fun you’re having around them, etc. I just miss it; that feeling’s getting rarer and rarer for me now, which is scary since I’ve never been in a relationship or had those crushes work, and I’m scared after a certain point I’ll just never feel that way again. I feel like I just get more emotionally guarded over time and have less opportunities to connect with people and I’ve let myself miss the boat on acting on those feelings while I can still enjoy them in a more carefree way.

Update: these are probably my last days on earth

Hi, not many people saw my post, but for those who did, well, I guess this is a good update. Sorry for my English btw The day I was gonna do it I broke down crying really hard and ended up reaching out to one of my siblings. They comforted me and the next day they got me an appointment with a psychiatrist. I started therapy and maybe I'll start medication, my sibling saved my life, they said that they never thought I had those kind of thoughts because I have always been a person that does everything alone and seems happy. I still feel horrible, honestly. But I don't feel alone anymore. Now I have hope. Everything is gonna be alright If you are thinking about suicide like I did, reach out to someone. You are loved and you can get help. Edit: yeah I forgot, I still need my supplement, but now my sibling has the full jar and gives me the dose I need everyday. I don't know where they hide it, but it's better like that, so I don't have the possibility to do it.

I think I’m losing my daughter to her dad and his new family

I (41F) have been a single parent since my daughter (10f) was 2, so almost 8 years. Long story short, her dad cheated, was awful during the separation, and got with someone else before the divorce. They’re still together. She has two daughters (11f, 13f) and has made these my daughter’s “step-siblings” from the beginning. I’ve stayed single, mainly because the dating scene here is rough and I’m better on my own. I have a good career working for a software company. It’s stressful and demanding, but I really love it. I work from home, so during the school year, I work until five and kiddo does homework until I get off work, then we eat dinner and hang out for the night. At my house, she has chores and extracurricular activities. She loves dance. Most of her life, her dad has done very little to contribute financially. It’s never really been an issue because I make pretty good money. But he’s always gotten her weekends when it’s convenient for him. Whenever they have plans, and don’t want my kiddo there for the weekend, she stays with me. I don’t make them get other child care, or make other arrangements. I’m not perfect, but I try. Like any other parent, I don’t mind sacrificing for the sake of my child. It doesn’t help, but the last year or so, my mom has been very sick and depressed. Last October she almost died from a ruptured colon and had to have surgery. I’ve taken a lot of time to help take care of my mother, take her to doctors appointments, and I make up work hours in the evening. So I don’t always get to spend a lot of time with my daughter now. Recently, my daughters father is talking about changing her living situation. He wants our daughter to stay with them for a year and be with me on the weekends. There’s a few reasons I don’t want this, one, I don’t want to pay him child support. I know that sounds selfish, but I have been financially and legally responsible for her her whole life. I can count on one hand the number of times he’s contributed to anything. Since I make more money than the both of them, child support would be much higher for me. But, after everything, he put me through, and how hard I’ve worked to be successful, I honestly don’t think he deserves a penny of what I make. I also don’t think anything I would pay to them would go to my daughter. The imbalance between the three children has always been pretty obvious. Two, his girlfriends kids, don’t have any responsibilities, chores, and can talk to their mother anywhere they want and get away with it. They don’t have consequences for their actions. Both of them do very poorly in school. My ex – husband always said it’s because their mother doesn’t pay them attention or help them with their homework or hold them accountable. From early on, I’ve been kept in the dark about how things in their household run, so I only have his account of things, and he is pretty much a pathological liar. What I do know is how my daughter acts when she gets back from their house. Three, i’ve always raised her. It would be so hard without her here during the week. Only seeing her on the weekends would break my heart. She’s the best part of me. I’m sure things are better for her right now at his house with other kids and a full family unit and being able to act out with no consequences, but I’m scared. Things kind of came to a head tonight. It might’ve been an accident and I might be reading too much into it, but I really think my daughter called her stepmother “mom”. Feels like my heart is breaking. I feel like I’ve lost her already. It feels like my relationship with her might turn into one of those horror stories with a kid going off to live with another parent and just coming back to ask for money or not at all. There’s so much more backstory there, but I’m trying not to make this post too long. I feel lost and depressed and sad. I feel like my world is falling apart, and I have too many things on my shoulders. I feel like I’ve failed. I don’t know what to do. Thank you all for letting me get this out. I’m pretty much alone here.

I don't know what I want to do for a career and I feel like I'm running out of time

I'm sure lots of people have felt this way or still do, but for whatever reason I have this NEED to be successful, cliche I know, everyone does. But for whatever reason, I've pounded the idea in my brain that I won't be happy entirely if I'm not successful, and I understand that everyone has their own definition of success, and because of the internet, mine is wealth. And that has changed any dream I had as a young kid, and constantly causes changes in possible futures. Back to the rant. I only have a few years left of high school, and every time I mention to someone that I stress about my future, they almost always say the same thing. "Don't sweat it, you're still in high school! You're still young!" But what most of them fail to realize, is that a lot of successful people start out at a younger age, hell, a lot of my peers already have an idea on where they want to go to college, and some have already reached out to by colleges, yet I don't even know what I want to do. I want to clarify I'm not worried about failure, I do well in school, I take Ap classes, and I'm involved in extracurriculars, my concern is I don't even know what job I want, hell, I don't even know what I like?? I have some career hyperfixations that change, and most of which are high goals. Real estate, business, united nations, are some of my recents. Now other than the United Nations, none of these careers I give a damn about. It's just the chance of high wealth gain. I'm scared that I'm gonna wait to much, and not know and set myself back because I don't know. It doesn't help that I procrasinate a lot (mental health shit), in things I want to research, about careers, stocks, all that. And I absolutely DO NOT want to work long hours on a 9-5, making barely anything. That's my biggest fear right there. And I refuse to do that. Addon: Before posting I had the thought that came to me, some of this is not just worrying about my future, most of it is, but some if it is also the fear of growing up (again, cliche). I was in such a rush and I'm not ready. I'm driving now, having a job and so much more responsibilites I feel like I need to figure out what I need to do that also ties into my long rant above. Thanks for listening.

How can I be normal again

I’m going through a hard time. I’m trying my best to be normal again. By normal I mean a functioning person. Both my parents have long kicked me out the house and I’m being treated very un fairly by my toxic aunt. I don’t know what to do I developed breathing problems, severe brain fog, I’m 22, I lost all my friends, I can’t function I can’t seem to figure out what illness I have I can barely sleep I feel like a crazy person I have no schedule I feel lost and alone in this world

My ACD is sleeping longer and deeper. Is her time near?

Yes. Just as it says. She'll be 14 on the 31st. I noticed lately she's been sleeping a lot longer and very lithargic. When she does sleep it's a very deep sleep. It's hard to wake her and when she does she's very startled and scared. This was the exact same thing that happened to my last dog. She was 12 when she passed. I don't want to say goodbye but it might be sooner then I think.

I made someone go crazy from 200+ snapchat sendits

So my friend never really got sendits, so I decided to send horror ones cause he likes horror. (keep in mind we were on call the entire time) he starts telling me how happy he was to receive all these sendits that he was getting. But he mentioned he was getting bored of the horror ones. So I decided to start sending harmless funny ones. But then he started talking about how he was getting so much. Keep in mind I was maybe around 100+ at this time. So I decided to have some fun with it and start sensing oddly personal ones like things he was saying on the call. Then I would throw in a few random funny ones to keep him on his toes. Then I decided to send creepier ones. That got even more creepy. And still threw in a few random ones. To the point he started asking me random questions, he would want me to say yes to but I obviously wouldn't to see if he was dreaming. He found out he wasn't. He then left for the bathroom and found out he kicked his injured foot as hard as he could onto things cause he started getting paranoid and losing it. Then I sent a few more even though I shouldn't have... He's stopped opening them and now he's talking to himself and wanting literal mental help. And he started screaming about whoever this was. Was a terrible awful person. I stopped sending them. But he's still talking to himself. And I feel really guilty. I wanna tell him it was me. But I'm really scared to now.

Need to get this off my chest!

I'm struggling mentally, emotionally all the above. I started a new job last month after being a stay at home mom for 3 years. It's taking a toll on me. It's a very stressful environment. I want to quit so bad, but we're struggling a bit because of some debt we acquired due to car maintenance. My husband Also works a full time job and helps as much as he can. But I am struggling so much. I'm currently in therapy and waiting to see a psychiatrist this coming week due to my anxiety and depression. My husband is very open but I refuse let him in and refuse to talk about my feelings. But I just wanted to get this off my chest. Today was hard, I hope tomorrow is a bit easier!

Rat problem at work

So ive been working as a Chef from 5 years in different restaurants etc. Im 20 yo girl and this is a first time ive been dealing with that. We have rat problem in the kitchen since there is a garden in the back. My boss doesnt do anything about it and keeps delaying Pest control. I literally see one everyday especially when Im doing a shift alone. They come out from under counters. They just walk around and scare me. I know they are small more like mices but just hate it so much. Other day i accidentely stepped on one and had a heart attack. Rest of the team are 40yomen and they are not scared or bothered. Its not in their hands as well to call a control. Im literally scared to go to work. You can tell me to quit but im only there for one more month and moving abroad, cant afford to just stop coming.

Today, I’m starting to think positively

It’s my obligatory post for my cake day and I want to change the way I think in hopes that my luck will change. Since before Covid, one bad thing after another has happened to me. My daughter got very sick and was in the hospital for several months, I started having issues at work with a coworker sabotaging me, I went bankrupt, I gambled for several months and lost a lot of money and went into even more debt, I moved back in with my elderly mother with 2 teenagers, lost my job, can’t even afford a coffee. Life has not stopped beating the crap out of me. Well! Starting this very minute, I’m going to look at the positives. Next week I start a new job and can start paying down my debts and work towards saving for the future. No more crying about how shitty my life has been. Give me all the positive vibes!!

I told my parents I don’t care if my brother dies

My(19m) brother(25m) has always been a pain. He constantly bullied me when we were kids, made fun of my appearance and laughed while his buddies beat me up. But the worst was when our dog liked me more. He got jealous and told our dad he doesn’t like the dog anymore. Our dad was going to take him to the pound so I called my grandparents and threatened to kill myself when they got there. We ended up keeping the dog until he passed away naturally but my brother took the abuse even further after that incident, seeing how I’d outmaneuvered him. Now he’s completely ruined his health with drugs and needs a new kidney. Our parents got the test but neither of them are a match. They want me to get tested too and donate my kidney if possible. I told them no. They kept pestering me and he tried to bully me into it so I also said I don’t care if he dies. Now I realize my mom is already in enough anguish. Did I take it too far by telling her what’s really on my mind?

I wish my parents wouldn't post about me

My parents always post pictures of me, but it's always the most disgusting pictures they could possibly pull out of their picture albums. No matter how many times I tell them to not do it, they brush me off and tell me i'm being stupid or to shut up. I tell them all the time to please stop posting pictures of me that I haven't approved or seen but they never listen. My friends are able to see all these pictures and it makes me feel so disgusting and embarrassed. I even told them if they want to post pictures of me I will gladly send them pictures that I like but they tell me all the time that I'm their daughter and they have a right to post whatever they want about me. I should say I have body issues. Yes i've told my parents about it but they don't care, they tell me I'm being irrational and to stop it.

Youth shelter in Los Angeles refusing to place me in female dorm

This has to be the biggest blow yet. I (19F) have been struggling lately with relationships and life in general, so I found myself houseless. No where to go. I’m 19 and fully present (and pass) as female. Today I had an intake at a youth shelter in Los Angeles. After all was said and done, the intake lady told me that I’ll have to be placed with the men because my ID still says (M) she also said “if you were post-OP it would be a different scenario.” I never freaking told her wether I am pre-op. Wtf. I NOPE’d out of there so fast. This is horrible. This place is a non-profit organization. totally not religion based so I didn’t expect this. Oh well On to the next

I don't think I've ever accomplished anything significant and it might be my parents fault

This might be messy because it's mostly word vomit I'm only in my second year of college so I know I have a long way to go in life. However I don't think Ive ever done anything really significant or worth mention. Growing up, good grades and politeness were expected- as was going above and beyond. After school activity, social life, and straight As were the norm for me. My parents made sure to confirm that these things were expected by brushing me off when I excitedly went to show my grades or tell of a band/sports achievement. I was first saxophone, Freshman state champion, and the founder of a club within my school. No praise, no mention of it at family gatherings, nothing. My parents have never seen me play sports and complained every time they went to one of my concerts. On the other hand, My older sister was also in sports and music and frequently supported by my parents. She frequently made local papers and had her achievements posted by my parents to facebook as well as put onto our fridge. She was given a case for her medals while mine hang on a clothes hanger on my wall. I don't know if my parents ever realized how differently they treated us but now that I think about it I didn't either. Until now, I could never think of an achievement of mine that was important enough to share. I constantly say that I "don't do anything interesting " and that I "don't have much to talk about" but it might be because my parents said those same things through their actions? I'm not looking for advice or anything, I just need to say something about it in a place that I know will be seen and heard. Thank you for reading :)

girlfriend posts on socmed instead of talking to me

my girlfriend has been having a really difficult time lately and there’s nothing more i want than for them to open up to me and let me help. but it is understandably very easy for her to think i am disinterested or don’t care when i slip up in a conversation or don’t speak with enough enthusiasm or emotion. it makes me feel like such a failure and a terrible girlfriend when i check her accounts and find a new post (that they don’t know i see) while she’s texting me that she’s okay

I need help But No one gives a f*ck

First day using Reddit btw. I just needed to get this of my chest. (And sry for the bad spelling and grammar I am not an English speaker) Me (16m) have a problem, and i dont know How to make it disappear. I think I might have some mental disorder or something, hear me out. So I have empathy and I can love people and I have respect for pretty much every, until the do the slightest bad thing. I can have no problem with you but the moment you make a mistake cheating, making some of someone etc. I wish you death. And I hate all criminals. When I see somebody getting robbed or beaten op. On some gore site or something like that. I have this urge, not to kill. But I just want them to disappear, I hate people. I also have a problem with when people don’t have the same opinion as me. I can’t understand why people don’t think the same way as me. And the worst of all, I am a master at manipulation, since I was a little kid. I have always been friends with everyone at school or kindergarten or just in general. Also the different friend groups that is in the school. I “don’t” have any enemy. But I have. I hate 60% of my friends. For all the things they did. I can gaslight people into suicide. I can make you change your opinion easily. I always know what you are thinking. I calculate what your next answer or question would be. And I am sure something is wrong with me. I think I need help. And I have said all of these things to my girlfriend but she brushed it of. I could see it in her eyes that she just thought I was stressed or something, but nah I am crazy. I just don’t get why I can love have empathy and this hate people so much that I just want them gone. And I wouldn’t have the slightest problem with them disappearing. I hope someone knows what is wrong with me, pls help I live in constant hell.

There is nothing carefree about being a teenager.

I'm not in the same district as my school, so I'm not very close to my friends. It's tiring as hell having to pole-vault and get A's. I'm broke(and money is tight in my family), so I can't afford anything I want. I'm stuck in my house with my parents despite post divorce, and I've had the revelation most teenagers do when they realize their parents aren't who they thought, meaning I don't really like either of them, but have to spend time around them. Meanwhile, Everyone else I know is living teenage lives straight from a movie. Having genuine fun with friends, spending money on whatever they want, and a majority actually LIKE their parents. Are they really as carefree as they seem? Are they genuinely enjoying themselves day to day? Knowing there's so much to do to set myself up for a comfortable adulthood from now is paralyzing, And I just wish I could enjoy myself like them, knowing there will probably never be another time in my life like this again.

I have to get a job, I hate livinf

Sounds entitles of me but I have too, I'm choosing to, my poor dad is work late in another town and coming back at 2am while my mom is working okay, and works in the day on a cube. My parents are divorced and they both work and my mom had let us get behind of rent by 1,570 dollars or something but stupid story. My dad lives with us but is still paying child support of me(F16) and it's hard, around the summer we're constantly on the edge of losing the apartment but she doesn't care and doesn't listen, making my dad always out to be the bad guy. I feel so bad for my dad and my old sister doesnt work but brother-in-law does, we live in a tiny 2 bedroom apartment, I don't even have my own bed. I have to sleep out in the living room. It's alway sucks, so I just want to get a job to help support my family, I want to help my dad and to help with the bills. Hopefully my mom won't take the money instead and by nails, bags, and stupid phone cases. Lucky smile, lucky life 👍🥲

Today I saw the most beautiful guy waving at me and now I want him lol

So, as the title says, I (female) saw the most beautiful guy waving at me and now I want him. For some background information about me, I'm 4ft 10 inches. Ok sorry. 4ft 9 inches and I'm someone who doesn't consider myself pretty. I'm really insecure about myself may it be looks or my studies. And today (Wednesday 12 July 2023), I had to go to college at around 2 pm because my shitty ass forgot to submit the assignment that I had to submit yesterday. I was so pissed off because GO BUS is so effing expensive and to submit a little piece of a shit I had to travel for two hours. So when I got off at York Mills station, I was just wandering my head all around and as I got closer to the elevator, there he was, just a little away from me, separated by a glass window. He was waving at someone and I felt like that someone was me . But why would such a pretty guy wave at me? Has he gone crazy is what I thought. I subconsciously look back and surprise! There is no one behind me. So I look back at him and he points at me with his I don't know which finger ? Index? And waves again. In my mind and heart I have already turned into a fucking puddle, completely melted. I didn't know what to do. My elevator was taking me away from him and I had know idea where he went. But I did wave back I think. I was so flustered the whole time. My delusional mind thought maybe we would take the Sam train. I know I'm too delusional. But I ended up taking a wrong train. Yes, yes. I'm indeed a walking bad luck. The whole time I kept wondering the reason for this. Maybe because my zipper was open and he as a kind angel he seemed, wanted to notify me. But darling, my pants today didn't have a zipper. So, why did you wave at me ? Why? I just want to know the reason. But I need to find you first. You know I would be so fine even if you'd tell me that you had to complete a dare because of your friends who might have said "hey, go and wave at that shorty" I would be happy with whatever you have to say. But you either tell me you like me so that I can tell our future kids 'so kids, that's how I met your father' or else you tell me that I'm a delusional shit person so I can calm myself down. But I need to find you first. Redditors, any idea how can I hunt him and haunt him for the rest of our lives ?

Friend just died in a car wreck

Not sure why but I’m having a hard time feeling sad bc I feel guilty when I feel sad about it. I keep feeling like I’m guilty for wanting attention or something so I can’t even feel sad. Is this normal?

Rules for dating

These are my rules, you don’t have to agree. I’m a straight woman that likes men but I think some of these could work both ways 1. No sex until commitment, make him work for it. 2. If he doesn’t answer for hours you do the same, no excuses 3. Get attached, but always be ready to leave if you need to 4. If he talks about sex too much then leave 5. It’s not your responsibility to date guys just because they like you 6. If his following/friends list is a lot more female then male, if he follows half naked girls, then leave because that’s gross 7. Don’t take a mans bullshit just because his mom didn’t raise him right, it’s not your job to raise somebody else’s son. 8. That man that was so excited to talk to you in the beginning? You notice he’s pulling away now. Let him go. “The biggest coward is a man who awakens a woman’s love with no intention of loving her.” -Bob Marley 9. If a man wants to play f*ck around and find out with you, let him go. Find the man that sees your worth and uplifts you. 10. Make peace with the things you can’t change. Also don’t let a man hurt your feelings and play it off as a joke. Bullsh*t 11. Don’t do something for a man if he wouldn’t do the same for you. 12. Weak men love to bring down powerful women. 13. Just because a man comes from a wealthier family than you doesn’t make him better than you, don’t let him feed you this delusion. 14. If you date the man that does the bare minimum you’ll miss out on the opportunity to date the guy that could appreciate you the most. 15. See how he treats the women closest to him. Female family members and such, he’s comfortable with them. Once he gets comfortable with you as a long term partner, he’ll treat you in a similar manner. 16. Men are typically at their best behavior at the beginning, first few weeks of “knowing” a guy you only have a general idea of him. You don’t actually know him. Watch out if he’s love bombing you. He could ghost you after. 17. If he’s inconsistent, get out asap. Do NOT overthink why he’s being inconsistent, he knows what he’s doing. 18. Ask yourself, does he like you or your body more? Don’t let that man use you for your body. Your worth more than a quick pleasure in a mans book. 19. You choose your kids father, remember that. Your kids don’t get to pick so choose wisely. 20. Don’t ask a man to treat you right. If he’s not protecting you and loving you, What is he serving into your life? 21. Sometimes we say “right person wrong time.” But in reality the right person would’ve stayed with you during the “wrong time” 22. Typically a FWB benefits MEN more. Don’t let a man ask you for free prostitution. Proceed this relationship dynamic with caution. 23. Let’s say you have a younger sister or family member, now imagine if they were getting treated how you’re getting treated, makes you feel sick? Leave. 24. Just because a man wants another chance in your life doesn’t mean he deserves one. 25. Don’t him put above yourself, remember love is addicting. It’s hard to stop. Don’t lower your standards for someone just because you like them. He’s not better than you.

I am emotionally spoiled

Just this week, I have exited the life of single hood, for the first time in years. It’s a long distance relationship, and I am so happy. She told me in her ideal man… ME, this guy, myself, I! I am! I had to catch myself from buckling after hearing that. Maybe we both are lusting a LOT but honestly this is the most excitement I have felt since I rode the Comet roller coaster in Six Flags in New York. (It sounds like nothing but that was me getting over my fear of roller coasters, which opened so many more to me that I loved!). She laughs at ALL of my jokes, even the Uber cringey ones, loves my impersonations I do, and she matches me almost step for step. They way we got together also was probably the cutest fucking thing I have ever experienced. I stumbled over my words like an anxious fool, and she just giggled and comforted me. I have had two horribly busy days at work so far but I’m so euphoric from this that it’s not even bothering me. I never thought I deserved this kind of happiness, but here I am having to force myself to not smile for some patients so I don’t annoy them with my optimism 😂. Much love y’all and I hope you guys find that person as well!!!!

My (M36) wife (F35) keeps making me the 'bad guy' parent and refuses to see how that dynamic is destroying my relationship with our children

Intro: I work a regular office job, 8 -5 M - F, commute about 1hr each way (possibly 1.5 hr if traffic is bad). So I am typically out of the house from 6:45am - 6:30pm. Wife works a part time job which is scheduled weekly, availability M - F 9am - 2pm, she is typically scheduled 8 to 12 hours within those timeframes each week. She works from home. We have 3 children, middle-school and high-school. As you can assume from our work schedules, she is with the kids much more than I am. During the school year I am basically getting out the door as they're waking up for school, and during breaks (like now) they're still deep asleep when I leave, as is my wife. I am home much less than my wife is, therefor I have much less time with our children. I understand this does put additional burden on her, as she is the primary parent throughout most days. **My issue is**: she has made our kids see the time I come home from work as something to be dreaded or feared. Throughout the day, if the kids do something irresponsible or rude, she refuses to reprimand them herself. Instead she basically racks up their 'violations' and says things like "Dad won't be happy with that", "You'll be sorry when daddy comes home", "What will dad have to say about this?" you get the idea. She makes me out to be the boogy-man. The result is that my kids fear me. My kids don't greet me when I get home, they hide in their rooms because my wife immediately assaults me with a list of their various minor violations while I was at work. She often confronts me before I've even taken off my shoes or tie. I have talked with her time and time and time again about how this has already destroyed my relationship with our children. They avoid me. Not to mention how she gives me no time to decompress from work when I get home, she immediately assaults me with her list of "violations" our apparently horrible children committed today. That's also a problem...I have never agreed with what kinds of actions she thinks need to be punished. She thinks things like: putting their cereal bowl in the sink but not pouring out the milk, or not pushing in their chair at the kitchen table, or not putting their toothbrush in the drawer after use, or not hanging their backpacks on the hooks, or not closing the front door gently enough as they run out to the bus in the morning. She thinks all of these minor things are worth days of reprimand. Like no phone, or no TV, no friends, in their rooms all day, etc. for something as minor as not pouring the milk out of their bowl before they put the bowl in the sink. I'm going on too long. There's also problems with her having them all eat dinner at 530 so that when I come home by 630 everyone is already in their rooms hiding, dreading my presence, and I make my own dinner and eat alone. How she expects me to sit on speaker-phone with her and her parents for 45ish minutes at least twice a week and listen to how hard her week was and how supposedly awful our children are. **Our children are NOT awful**. They are normal kids. They do not deserve the amount of punishment or reprimand that she wants. So, I have stopped doing what she asks. When I get home I do not reprimand the children for anything she lists off. I tell her that if it was such a big issue, she should have addressed it when it happened. That, if the punishment could wait until I came home then there probably didn't need to be a punishment at all. I have not punished them for anything at all in over a month, and the worst thing one of them did was break his bike while going off a jump he made with some friends. He scraped his arm and broke his front tire. That's fucking fun kid shit, he does not deserve to be punished for that. Instead I showed him how to fix his bike and had him use his allowance to buy a new front tire. There's so much more but I can't keep going on. Obviously, the many years these arguments have been grinding away at our love have taken their toll. I don't know what to do about our relationship anymore. But I do know that, over the past month of me not reprimanding the children as she demands, the kids have opened up to me. They talk to me a little bit more now. They aren't as shy around me. I think they kind of see what was happening and how I am now trying to fix it. **TL;DR** My wife has made my children fear me, when I tell her to stop she doesn't care, and this has lead our children to fear me and caused me to despise her presence. Is there any saving this relationship as parents? As spouses? I'm afraid that *I'm* now just as anxious to come home to my wife, as much as my *children* were anxious for *me* to come home from work.

I didn't want brandon flynn in the hellraiser movie. take him out!

Ugh

I'm tired of meeting new guys. Im just tired

I have a crush on a guy, we met on 2020 we talk everyday and slowly I developed feelings towards him. I talked to him about my feelings but he only want to stay friends. It really hurts because he the guy that i want to spend the rest of my life with. I dont want to meet someone new, I dont think I can find someone like him :(

My girlfriend texted my friend scared i was gonna hit her

I’m 18M and my gf is 18F and my girlfriend was in a very mad mood one day while we didn’t talk for a few hours and i later found out she texted my friend telling him that she was worried i was gonna beat her, i love my girlfriend and i always try to do anything i can to help her or to make her feel good, i train martial arts and partake in combat sports often but it hurts my feelings so much that she thinks i would do something like that, i went to her about it how it made me feel terrible but when i asked her she said because i’m a woman i have to be cautious of everybody and kind of belittled me for saying such a thing and said the messages were a joke but my friend didn’t take it they way when she said it and it definitely didn’t look like a joke, what do you think

ex is a POS

honestly, this happened a while ago. i just need to tell this story in full, maybe that’ll make me stop thinking about it? im not sure. so my ex, at the end of 2020, finally split. my family moved to another state in 2018, so i knew when he and i broke up, id be going there. the only problem was that we had a dog, and so did my parents. except my parent’s dog was abused, and very reactive to EVERYTHING coming through the door. we all knew he’d be biting me as soon as i came through the door, and my girl wouldn’t allow that to be okay. so the original decision on letting me take the dog went out the window. i had to leave my baby girl with my lazy ass ex. i paid for his insurance so he could get a car. i told him to take her to the vet and have her checked and i’ll pay for the appointment, i’ll pay for food to be delivered to his doorstep. all he has to do is make the appointment and take her. that i’ll come back and get her once i have an apartment. he and i made the agreement that even if we don’t like what’s going on in our personal lives, we both have terrible mental health and would keep anything about her civil. well that was until his new bf didn’t like me. so he got into an accident that totaled the car less than 2 months having it. 3 months of me paying for insurance (never receiving a dime for that) and having to put that on my insurance report every time i get new insurance. but the whole car thing is besides the point. his new bf didn’t like me, so my ex blocked me and basically told me to stop sending food and i’ll never see her again. fast forward 2 years, ex messaged me. he and his bf broke up, and he feels terrible about how he messed with me. so i pull everything inside of me; all the anger, the confusion, the hurt. and i turned it into a smile, knowing he was about to let me see her. he had originally said he has this awesome travel opportunity and didn’t trust anybody except me to take care of her. i knew that “job” he had lined up was going to fall through. so i had to act on his offer quick. it did and nearly 2 days before i went to get her, told me to forget about it, but i was persistent and convinced him to allow me to take her while he got his life together for a month. 4 weeks into he and i slightly conversing, i went and got her. it was the happiest day of both of our lives! she had been stuck in the attic of ex’s mom’s house, that had no heat, no ac, and a broken roof for 2 years. he had taken her “out” a few times, like 3, over this time. he had no idea the quality of her poop and her farts smelled like something was wrong and she was 30 lbs over weight. my heart broke a little when my parents told me about how her legs were shaking under her while she was so excited to be out and walking around. they didn’t tell me until months later (after helping her slim down) because they knew it would hurt me so bad. the sweet little angel i left was social, properly weighted, and loved to interact. when i got her back, in addition to being overweight and stuck in an attic, she was scared, unsure, and didn’t know how to socialize (we’re still working on the socializing but her self confidence is skyrocketing). back to what i need to get off my chest. i lied, and manipulated, and played the absolute hell out of him. i told him i’d bring her back to him after a month. (im sorry, but that’s 3,000 miles one way, there’s no way in hell i’m doing 4 of those in a month). i told him there’s no chance of me not letting her go back. that i won’t let anybody sway me into keeping her. i had never planned on returning her. i manipulated him while sitting on my current, amazing boyfriend’s lap. i had looked at him and told him “you’re going to see the worst of me, im sorry, but im getting my girl back” all he really told me was “get your girl back”. he came with me and it was an amazing trip overall. after about 10 months of having her, ex showed up at my apartment. he wanted her back. he was arguing with me when my BF came out of the building and he noted my girl was beside/behind me. i noted she was more excited to see my bf after 2 minutes of not seeing him than my ex, who she hadn’t seen in 10 months. almost trying to get behind him. like she was letting me handle ex and wanted to get my current BF and her away from the situation. eventually we all broke ways, my ex saying he was going to get paperwork, and my bf had the keys to my car so we just left. the next day, there were cops called and the situation was handled. the real kicker? he thought i was still in love with him. i guess i’m really good at manipulation. if you read this full story, thank you. i really needed to get this off my chest. and im sorry if the grammar is bad, my phone is typing slower than i’m tapping. if you want a happy ending, i call my boyfriend her man. whenever she’s being fussy about coming inside i ask her “wanna go get your man?” she happy runs inside and gets all the love she wants.

My wife won’t work

I’m an active duty service member, my pay ain’t that good but it ain’t that bad as well. She lets me buy whatever i want since I’m the one making the money but she also buys whatever she wants. We got 2 kids and she said she wanted to work so she wanted her mother to live with us so someone can watch the kids. I agreed since that makes sense, 3 months into MIL living with us and she still ain’t looking for a job not even trying to put some effort in looking for one. Our credit card balance wont get to zero since we added 1 more person in our usual budget. I also have to give my wife and my MIL allowances since she wants some spending money, we got some money saved up and i wanted to use that to zero out our CC. I wasn’t asking for much it was just $600 over the usual $2000 monthly CC bill we have, she yelled at me and said that isn’t emergency. I reviewed the CC and $200 of that was her personal spending. I’m just itching and moaning, just wanted to get it off my chest since I can’t tell anyone around me. Now I’m thinking of donating plasma just to supplement the lifestyle she wants.

I love my mom and hate her at the same time.

I don't know if anyone has going thru this or understand this, but I guess I really need to vent. My mom, she's amazing. She does great at her job, she cooks super delicious food. She's young compares to her age (everyone I've met said that & I think the same too). She deeply cares for her kids. She tries her best to provide us a home. She's a great mom. But at the same times, her emotions are very unstable. She's been through pretty rough trauma in her childhood, so I don't blame her for that. But it is so hard for me to see her trying to look down and destroy herself every chance she gets. If any conflicts appear in my house, her response would be throwing a tantrum & threaten suicide. I have many sleepless night just because of the fear that she would do something stupid to herself. She would say shit on herself, say shit to other people. Her verbally abusive skill is +1000 when she's in anger. Her anger is the type of explosive one. The damage caused by it was very hard to recover from. She wants her kids to be confident & believe in themselves, but she always does the opposite. She needs validation all the time. Compliments are never enough for her. If someone said she looks nice, she would try to find 1 tiny thing of her appearance and said she's ugly. I cannot handle outburst emotions as it affects my mental health greatly, but living with her is like living with a tickling bomb. She knows her problem too as we have so many conversations about this for years, but never care enough to go deeply in the roots and try to fix it. Me and my family has try every way to support her, emotionally, physically, financially. She also gets medical help, but antidepressant will not be enough if you don't look into the problem root cause & have discipline to improve the situation yourself. Sometimes it reaches to the point that I can't no longer maintain calm & I almost unleash the worst version of myself when facing her. But at the end, I cannot detach myself too much or move out as I have that hidden fear of she committed suicide. It's tiring. If anyone have any advices/tips, I would be really appreciate.

witnessed DV

just tried to intervene a man screaming at his partner. i panic left the house, no shoes, no undies, no phone, nothing, and just ran/walked down the street to catch up. they were at least three or four blocks down she was driving and he was on the sidewalk. he saw me and got into the car-still screaming at the top of his lungs- and then there was silence followed by multiple thudding/impact sounds. it was horrific & i couldnt stop it, i wasn’t fast enough……..

I found out that I'm that friend

**Sorry beforehand for bad grammar and formatting** I just found out after years that I'm *that* friend. For context, I'm sure most of us are familiar with that one person in the friend group who is never invited anywhere and never talked to outside of a particular setting (work, school, etc.). I unfortunately, just found out that I am indeed that friend; I found this out after seeing my friend group all hanging out on social media but I wasn't there and never received an invite. This made me think back on my time being friends with them and I made the (at the time) shocking discovery that I was basically a spectator in a friend group whom I had known for years. I don't know why they would all just string me along like that and not just cut me off but they did and here we are. Maybe I was a bad friend or something and that's what made them all do this but I really don't know what to do. It sucks finding out 99% of your friends weren't actually friends with you; I don't think they know that I learned the truth to be quite honest. I'd like to give them the benefit of the doubt that it was like a subconscious thing but at this point I don't know. I just don't know what to do at this point.

I fell inlove faster than i could comprehend

I don't know where to start but i somewhat feel guilty, i told someone else i wasn't ready for a relationship and to be honest, i truly didn't feel like i was either, ontop of that i told myself i wouldn't do this whole online dating thing anymore, i wanted to just focus on myself. (Mind you ive turned down allot of men recently who live close aswell) Anyways so i game allot and about a month ago i was on call of duty with a friend, we had our proxy on and me and him were just goofing about and i met this guy there, absolute gentleman and we clicked really well, we ended up exchanging socials and before i knew it, i was constantly texting this dude, playing games with him, we laughed with eachother, i spend hours on end with this dude if im honest. It wasnt until 2 weeks ago where one of my pets died and i was just mentally spiralling and he offered to call to keep me company which i accepted, we spend almost days on end on call aside from our normal day to day duties. And i kinda...fell for him, hes a dumbass and hes really sweet, playfull, nice, hes great at listening and making me laugh, hes so open and genuine in everything he does and says. I didn't mean to and i know the heart does what the heart wants to do but i still feel guilty for letting one person hang by saying i wasnt ready to date and someone else comes along and suddenly all that falls in the drain and all i want is to explore my feelings for this guy, i genuinly can't tell if i just sound like i have gone completely mental..and maybe i have.

I realized my social anxiety and selective mutism were caused by one person.

I have severe social anxiety and selective mutism. Recently I started putting pieces together. I never had these issues before 3rd grade, they only started happening after one of my friends talked behind my back and said super nasty stuff about me (reminder, 3RD GRADERS) I remember my friends came to me and told me after school had ended and i cried for hours because this person was my first friend i had made when i moved schools. It was only after she talked behind my back did i start shutting down during social situations and being unable to speak when someone asks me for a pencil. I've always hated her for what she said about me, and now i hate her just a little bit more because maybe, if she hadn't said all of that stuff about me i wouldn't be afraid of ordering food or afraid of having to ask for help.

I messed up and I’m torturing myself for it

I’m 23m Crashed my car 2 days ago (not covered) and now I can’t let my self be happy , I’m constantly feeling like shit about it and when I’m about to laugh or smile about anything else my mind reminds me that I don’t deserve to be happy I’m also supposed to visit my home country in 2 weeks but I lost all the excitement and joy ( didn’t go for 4 years ) I’m lost .. and as I’m writing this my thoughts is that I should remove it and that I should feel this guilt and unhappiness as it’s what I deserve

My stepsister is NOT my family and NEVER will be. *Cursing warning*

I have a stepsister. I don't give a flying fuck about her. She is rude, judgmental of family if they aren't to her standards, hella spoiled, and is harder to be around than a damn spider would be. Her name is Valeriana (I never cared to spell it) and she prefers to go by Rere. That's like being named Penelope and wanting to be called PePe. She judges our family, including me, which I'll get into in a second. She constantly gets fast-food, no, she demands it. She just HAS to get McDonald's or some other fast-food even though we got plenty food at the house that has to be eaten before it spoils. She doesn't say "Thank you" and throws a silent fit when she doesn't get it. She's 10. Fucking 10. She throws silent fits when she doesn't get something she wants or something doesn't go her way. She'll go silent, watch her phone on full volume purposefully to annoy others, stomp around the house, and go into her room to slam it, lock it, and fake cry. It's to get attention. Then, she gets whatever she wants. Slime? You got it. Face masks that are too expensive for a prissy 10 year old? She has it. Whatever she can think of? She already has it in her grasp. She wants one thing and she gets the damn galaxy. I'm sick of it, and me and my sister are left in the dust. She used to (and still does subtly) find ways to annoy me on purpose. She goes out of her way to find ways to annoy me, and she knows damn well that I have a short temper. I don't deal with bullshit easily. Everytime we argue, I roast and toast her and make my point but she finds a damn grain of sand to back her up and doesn't quit. She thinks that she's the boss. She demands things from her dad but doesn't dare from MY family, as we'd bust down her ass and make her wish she never moved in. I never wanted her to move in. I hated her from the start. She was destructive, obnoxious, and hard to even look at. I went through a dark time in my life. I was super depressed, had horrible anxiety, was super homicidal and suicidal. \*I'm better now, don't worry.\* She made it worse tenfold. If you've ever been in a state like that, unstable and going to break any minute, anything can set you off. One wrong move. One blink of the eye, and you're breaking down barbarically to emotion. Well, everyday she'd come over to play with my sister. She'd bust into my room, pull the sheets and blankets off my bed, and throw my possessions across the room. She'd trash the place, and then she'd make comments on what I wore or ate. I'm a growing boy, I need food for energy. Anyway, so that worsened my already unstable state. My mother, which is now married to her dad, didn't want to punish or scold her as to not make her boyfriend mad, so she knew she could get away with it. Skip to 2023, I'm 13 and she's 10. I hate my stepsister, and I still do. I want nothing to do with her. She keeps inviting herself on family trips and stuff, which has no permission from anyone in our family. I'm sick of it. My sister used to talk shit about her but now magically is on her side? Rere fucking pulled her pants down on video. My sister had underwear on, but still, that's fucked up. She judges me and comments on my coping mechanisms that I use because of her. I like to play video games to escape the cruel and harsh reality of the world, but to her, I'm a slob who doesn't know how to breathe. I'm so sick of her. I want to go on more, but there are so many things to talk about her that I can't type it in one day. I'm stuck with my stepsister unless my parents divorce. I hate her so much. What should I do? How should I do it? My family and I can't stand her. Note: I will not be disclosing my sister's name or age, my name, or anyone else's. I just don't give two shits about Rere. I hate her so much I make a wish on everything I can (Wishbone, 11:11, etc.) that she just drops dead. I can't stand her, nor can my family.

I don’t know what I am

To begin I’m 13 years old so I honestly don’t know if I’m overreacting or not and if I am I’m sorry, but sometimes I think of how great my life would be if I was male, my brothers would probably spend more time with me, my mother wouldn’t bother me with how my cloths don’t match or how I’m not allowed to swear but my brother can all he wants, and most importantly it wouldn’t be looked at like a sin whenever I say I like a girl. It’s gotten to the point where I actively want to be a boy but that’s not what I am. I’m a girl and I don’t feel like anything else. I know I’m a girl and I don’t feel like I’m a boy I just want to. Sometimes I style my hair like my brothers or a imagine what It would be like if I was born male and I have to admit, I feel more comfortable when I do that. But I know that’s not who I am and I don’t feel any desire to be transgender.. maybe I do idk. I’m a mess.