diff --git "a/data/alpaca_2k_jokes.json" "b/data/alpaca_2k_jokes.json" new file mode 100644--- /dev/null +++ "b/data/alpaca_2k_jokes.json" @@ -0,0 +1,10867 @@ +[ + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Children", + "output": "A blackjack dealer and a player with a thirteen count in his hand were arguing about whether or not it was appropriate to tip the dealer. The player said, \"When I get bad cards, it's not the dealer's fault. Accordingly, when I get good cards, the dealer obviously had nothing to do with it so, why should I tip him?\" The dealer said, \"When you eat out do you tip the waiter?\" \"Yes.\" \"Well then, he serves you food, I'm serving you cards, so you should tip me.\" \"Okay, but, the waiter gives me what I ask for. I'll take an eight.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Blonde Jokes", + "output": "At a dinner party, several of the guests were arguing whether men or women were more trustworthy. 'No woman,' said one man, scornfully, 'can keep a secret.' 'I don't know about that,' answered a blonde woman guest. 'I have kept my age a secret since I was twenty-one.' 'You'll let it out some day,' the man insisted. 'I hardly think so!' responded the blonde lady. 'When a woman has kept a secret for twenty-seven years, she can keep it forever.'" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Blonde Jokes", + "output": "One day this cop pulls over a blonde for speeding. The cop gets out of his car and asks the blonde for her license.''You cops should get it together. One day you take away my license and the next day you ask me to show it.''" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Blonde Jokes", + "output": "Three women are about to be executed for crimes. One's a brunette, one's a redhead, and one's a blonde.Two guards brings the brunette forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no, and the executioner shouts, \"Ready . . . Aim . . .\"Suddenly the brunette yells, \"earthquake!!\" Everyone is startled and looks around. She manages to escape.The angry guards then bring the redhead forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no, and the executioner shouts, \"Ready . . . Aim . . .\"The redhead then screams, \"tornado!!\" Yet again, everyone is startled and looks around. She too escapes execution.By this point, the blonde had figured out what the others did. The guards bring her forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She also says no, and the executioner shouts, Ready . . . Aim . . .\"The blonde shouts, \"fire!!\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Blonde Jokes", + "output": "A girl came skipping home FROM school one day. \"Mommy, Mommy,\" she yelled, \"we were counting today, and all the other kids could only count to four, but I counted to 10. See? 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6,7, 8, 9, 10!\" \"Very good,\" said her mother. \"Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy?\" \"Yes, Honey, it's because you're blonde.\" The next day the girl came skipping home FROM school. \"Mommy, Mommy,\" She yelled, \"we were saying the alphabet today, and all the other kids could only say it to D, but I said it to G. See? A,b, c, d, e, f, g!\" \"Very good,\" said her mother. \"Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy?\" \"Yes, Honey, it's because you're blonde.\" The next day the girl came skipping home FROM school. \"Mommy, Mommy,\" she yelled, \"we were in gym class today, and when we showered, all the other girls had flat chests, but I have these!\" And she lifted her tank top to reveal a pair of 36Cs. \"Very good,\" said her embarrassed mother. \"Is it because I'm blonde, mommy?\" \"No, Honey, it's because you're 25.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Military", + "output": "An airline captain was helping a new blonde flight attendant prepare for her first overnight trip. Upon their arrival, the captain showed the flight attendant the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop and stay overnight. The next morning as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day's route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing. He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up to ask what happened to her. She answered the phone, crying, and said, \"I can't get out of the room!\" \"You can't get out of your room?\" the captain asked. \"Why not?\" She replied, \"There are only three doors in here,\" she sobbed, \"one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says 'Do Not Disturb'!\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Blonde Jokes", + "output": "A blonde and a brunette decided to rob a bank. They quickly devised a good plan and they put their plan to action. The brunette drove up to the front of the bank that they had decided to rob. She turned to the blonde and asked her, \"Now, do you remember what the plan is?\" The blonde sighed and replied, \"Yeah, yeah, I remember...\" The brunette went over the plan once more and let the blonde out to do her stuff. Before the blonde could shut the door, the brunette yelled out, \"Be sure to be in and out in no more than 5 minutes!\" The blonde ran inside and the brunette waited in the car... and waited... and waited... and waited... and waited. After waiting for so long in the car, the blonde bursts out of the bank's doors, the alarm blaring loud enough to wake everyone up. The blonde was lugging a bank safe behind her by a rope tied around it. A security guard ran out of the bank, his pants down around his ankles and attempting to reach his gun. The blonde breathed heavily as she tried to put the safe in the car but finally just gave up and dropped the safe behind. She ran into the passenger seat and pulled the door shut, the car already moving. The security guard yelled, \"Stop! Stop!\" while the pair drove off, leaving the safe with rope tied tightly around it behind. The brunette frantically asked the blonde, \"What the hell happened in there?!?\" The blonde was panting and turned to the brunette and choked out, \"What do you mean? I followed the plan exactly!\" The brunette paused and yelled, \"YOU IDIOT! YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO TIE UP THE GUARD AND BLOW THE SAFE!\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Blonde Jokes", + "output": "A brunette, a redhead and a blonde walk into a bar. For the sake of brevity, each one orders her drink with an abbreviated code word. The brunette walks up to the bartender and says, \"Hey give me an ML.\" The bartender nods his head and hands her a Miller Lite. Following her, the redhead walks up to the bartender and says, \"I'd like a BL.\" Giving her a nod, the bartender pulls up a Bud Lite. Last, the blonde walks up to the bartender and says, \"Give me a Fifteen.\" \"A Fifteen?\" the bartender replies, \"What the hell is that?\" \"Oh, you know,\" the blonde says, \"A Seven and Seven.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Blonde Jokes", + "output": "A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her. She goes out and buys a gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and sure enough, she opens the door and finds him in the arms of a redhead. Well, now she's angry! She opens her purse to take out the gun but as she does so, she is overcome with grief. She takes the gun and points to her head. The boyfriend yells, \"No, honey, don't do it!!\" \"Shut up,\" she says, \"You're next.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Blonde Jokes", + "output": "One day a blonde comes out of the tanning salon. She wants to make some money so she goes to one of the rich neighborhoods. She rings the door bell and says, \"HI, is there anything I could do for your house or you???\" The man thinks and says, \"Sure, can paint my porch. You will find all the stuff in the garage.\" The girl says, \"O.K., How much will you pay me?\" The man says, \"How much does fifty bucks sound?\" The blonde quickly agrees and get straight to work. The wife who had heard the conversation inside says, \"50 bucks, I hope she knows the porch goes all around the house!\" 25 minutes later the girl knocks on the door and says, \"O.K. I am done. Can I have my money now?\" Surprised the man replies, \"O.K. Let me get the money\" He comes back and the girl says as she is leaving, \"By the way, it's a Ferrari, not a Porch!\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Blonde Jokes", + "output": "A blonde with two red ears went to her doctor. The doctor asked her what had happened to her ears and she answered, \"I was ironing a shirt and the phone rang - but instead of picking up the phone, I accidentally picked up the iron and stuck it to my ear.\"\"Oh Dear!\" the doctor exclaimed in disbelief. \"But, what happened to yourother ear?\"\"The jerk called back!\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Blonde Jokes", + "output": "Wanting a portrait with which to surprise his wife, a businessman asked a blonde female painter he'd been recommended to paint him in the nude.\"No,\" the talented blonde artist said. \"I don\"t do that sort of thing.\"\"But what if I double your fee?\" he pleaded.\"Nope, sorry. Won't do it.\"\"How about I give you five times what you normally get?\"\"Oh, okay then,\" said the artist, \"but I'm keeping my socks on. I need a place to put my brushes.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Blonde Jokes", + "output": "There is a blonde, a redhead and a brunette on the stairway to heaven. God says, \"There are 3,000 steps and I'll tell you a joke on each 1,000th step you reach. If you laugh you go to hell.\" So they start walking and reach to the first 1,000th step. God tells a joke, the brunette laughs and goes to hell. Then on the 2,000th step God tells a joke, the redhead laughs and goes to hell. On the 3,000th step God tells a joke, the blonde doesn't laugh and proceeds to the gate. Suddenly, she bursts out laughing. God asks, \"what are you laughing about?\", so she replies, \"I just got the first joke!\"." + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Blonde Jokes", + "output": "A blonde is walking down the street with her blouse open, exposing one of her breasts. A nearby policeman approaches her and remarks, \"Ma'am, are you aware that I could cite you for indecent exposure?\" \"Why, officer?\" asks the blonde. \"Because your blouse is open and your breast is exposed.\" \"Oh my goodness,\" exclaims the blonde, \"I must have left my baby on the bus!\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Blonde Jokes", + "output": "A blonde, brunette and a redhead run to the top of a burning building. Below, a few firefighters are holding a blanket telling the redhead to jump.When the redhead jumps the firefighters snatch the blanket away and she hits the concrete.When the firefighters ask the brunette to jump she jumps and again they pull the blanket away.When the firefighters ask the blonde to jump she replies, \"I don't trust you, so just put the blanket down and back away.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Blonde Jokes", + "output": "An exhausted looking blond dragged herself in to the doctor's office. \"Doctor, there are dogs all over my neighborhood. They bark all day and all night, and I can't get a wink of sleep.\"\"I have good news for you,\" the doctor answered, rummaging through a drawer full of sample medications. \"Here are some new sleeping pills that work like a dream. A few of these and your trouble will be over.\"\"Great,\" the blond answered, \"I'll try anything. Let's give it a shot.\"A few weeks later the blond returned, looking worse than ever. \"Doc, your plan is no good. I'm more tired than before!\"\"I don't understand how that could be\", said the doctor, shaking his head. \"Those are the strongest pills on the market!\"\"That may be true,\" answered the blond wearily, \"but I'm still up all night chasing those dogs and when I finally catch one it's hard getting him to swallow the pill!\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Blonde Jokes", + "output": "Two friends, a blonde and a redhead, are walking down the street and pass a flower shop where the redhead saw her boyfriend buying flowers. Redhead sighed and said, \"Oh, crap, my boyfriend is buying me flowers again.\" The blonde looked quizzically at her and said, \"You don't like getting flowers from your boyfriend?\" The redhead said, \"I love getting flowers, but he always has expectations after giving me flowers, and I just don't feel like spending the next three days on my back with my legs in the air.\" The blonde says, \"Don't you have a vase?\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Blonde Jokes", + "output": "A lawyer and a blonde are sitting next to each other on a long flight from LA to NY.The lawyer leans over to her and asks if she would like to play a fun game. The blonde just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists and explains that the game is really easy and a lot of fun. He explains\" I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5, and vice-versa.\" Again, she politely declines and tries to get some sleep. The lawyer, now somewhat agitated, says, \"Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5, and if I don't know the answer that you'll ask me, I will pay you $500!.\" Figuring that since she is a blonde that he will easily win the match. This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring that there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game. The lawyer asks the first question. \"What's the distance from the earth to the moon?\" The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches in to her purse, pulls out a five dollar bill and hands it to the lawyer. Now, it's the blonde's turn. She asks the lawyer: \"What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?\" The lawyer looks at her with a puzzled look. He takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references.He taps into the Airphone with his modem and searches the Net and the Library of Congress. Frustrated, he sends E-mails to all his coworkers and friends he knows. All to no avail. Afterover an hour, he wakes the blonde and hands her $500. The blonde politely takes the $500 and turns away to get back to sleep. The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, \"Well, so what IS the answer!?\" Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5, and goes back to sleep." + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Blonde Jokes", + "output": "Two bowling teams, one all blondes, one all bruneettes, charter a double-decker bus for a weekend bowling tournament in Atlantic City. The brunette team rides on the bottom level of the bus, the blonde team rides on the top level. The brunette team, down below, is wooping it up and having a great time until one of them realizes she doesn't hear anything from the blondes upstairs, and she decides to investigate. When the brunette reaches the top, she finds the blonde team staring straight ahead at the road, frozen in fear, clutching the seats in frount of them with white knuckles. \"Whats goimg on up here?\" asks the brunette. \"We're having a great time downstairs!\" \"Yeah,\" screams a terrified blonde, \"but you've got a driver!\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Blonde Jokes", + "output": "A blonde is terribly overweight, so her doctor puts her on a diet. \"I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for 2 weeks. The next time I see you, you'll have lost at least 5 pounds.\" When the blonde returned, she shocked the doctor by losing nearly 20 pounds. \"Why, that's amazing!\" the doctor said, \"Did you follow my instructions?\" The blonde nodded, \"I'll tell you though, I thought I was going to drop dead that 3rd day.\" \"From hunger, you mean?\", asked the doctor.\" \"No, from all that skipping.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Blonde Jokes", + "output": "A blonde motorist was two hours from Sydney when she was flagged down by a man whose truck had broken down. The man walked up to the blonde's car and asked, \"Are you going to Sydney?\"\"Sure,\" answered the blonde, \"do you need a lift?\"\"Not for me. I'll be spending the next three hours fixing my truck. My problem is I've got two chimpanzees in the back which have to be delivered to Taronga Park Zoo. They're a bit stressed already so I don't want to keep them on the road all day. Could you possibly take them to the zoo for me? I'll give you fifty dollars for your trouble.\"\"I'd be happy to,\" said the blonde.So the two chimpanzees were ushered into the back seat of the blonde's car and carefully strapped into their seat belts. Off they went.Five hours later, the truck driver was driving through the heart of Sydney when suddenly he was horrified. There was the blonde walking down the street and holding hands with the two chimps, much to the amusement of the crowd.With a screech of brakes he pulled off the road and ran over to the blonde.\"What the hell are you doing here?\" he demanded, \"I gave you fifty dollars to take these chimpanzees to the zoo.\"\"Yes, I know you did,\" said the blonde, \"but just as we arrived it looked like it was going to rain so we decided to see a movie instead.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Office Jokes", + "output": "A brunette, a blonde, and a redhead all worked in the same office with the same female boss. Every day, they noticed their boss left work early. One day, the girls decided that when the boss left, they'd leave right behind her. After all, she never called in or came back to the office when she left early, so how was she to know? The next day, they all three left the office right after the boss left. The brunette was thrilled to be home early. She did a little gardening and went to bed early. The redhead was elated to be able to get in a quick workout at the health club before meeting her dinner date. The blonde was happy, happy, happy to be home, but when she got to the bedroom she heard a muffled noise from inside. Slowly, quietly, she cracked open the door and was mortified to see her husband in bed with HER BOSS. Ever so gently, she closed the door and crept out of her house. The next day at coffee break, the brunette and redhead decided they were leaving early again, and asked the blonde if she was coming with them. \"NO WAY,\" she exclaimed, \"I almost got caught yesterday\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Blonde Jokes", + "output": "This fat guy sees an ad for a new gym guaranteeing to reduce anyone's weight by 5, 10 or 20 kilograms on the first day. So he goes and tells them he wants to lose 5 kg. They strip him and lead him into a huge gym with all kinds of ropes and parallel bars and ladders and tell him to wait a minute. He's standing there when on the far side of the gym a door opens and out steps a gorgeous blonde, stark naked, with a sign saying \"If you catch me, I'm yours.\" He starts running, and just as he gets close, she starts picking up speed. Before he knows it, he's running all over the gym, up the ladders, down the ladders, across the parallel bars, here and there. And just as he's about to catch the blonde, pop, she disappears through a door. In comes the management who lead him to the showers, and then weigh him. Sure enough, he lost exactly 5 kg. He's back on the street and starts to think. \"Jesus, I was so close to catching her. If I had a little more time...\" So he races back to the gym and says, \"I want to lose 20 more kg.\" \"No problem,\" says the manager. Again he strips, and is led to the large gym. This time he's standing by the door when it opens. Out comes a gorilla with a sign \"If I catch you, you're mine.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Blonde Jokes", + "output": "One day three women went camping - a blonde, a brunette and a redhead. The blonde suddenly had to go to the bathroom. She went into the woods with her toilet paper and did her business. While she was gone, the brunette and the redhead decided to play a joke on her. They skinned a rabbit and snuck up on the blonde, put the guts behind her and ran back to the campsite. Three minutes later they heard a scream. Then they waited another half an hour and the blonde came back, sweating. She said, \"I had to poop so hard I pooped my guts out. But with the grace of God and these two fingers, I think I got them back in.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Blonde Jokes", + "output": "This blonde goes to the Western Union office and says, \"I just have to get an urgent message to my mother in Europe.\" The clerk says it will be $100, and she replies \"But I don't have any money.... and I must get a message to her, it's urgent!... I'll do anything to get a message to her.\" The clerk replies \"Anything?\". \"Yes.... ANYTHING!\" replies the blonde. He leads her back to his office and closes the door. He tells her to kneel in front of him. \"Unzip me...\" She does. \"Take it out..... go ahead.\" She does this as well. She looks up at him, his member in her hands and he says \"Well... go ahead... do it...\" She brings her lips close to it and shouts \"Hello?... Mom?\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Blonde Jokes", + "output": "A blonde, a brunette and a redhead were walking along the beach. A seagull flies over and craps all over the blonde. The brunette says in a disgusted voice, \"Hang on the bathroom is just up the hill, I'll go get some toilet paper.\"After she leaves the blonde begins to laugh.The redhead says, \"What's so funny?\"The blonde says, \"Well, blondes are supposed to be so dumb and look at her. By the time she gets back with that toilet paper that seagull will be miles away!\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Blonde Jokes", + "output": "There's a blonde, a red head and a brunette all on death row. They are all out in the desert about to be executed. First up is the brunette. The shooter counts; 1, 2, 3..., and the brunette yells out,\"Tornado!\" Everybody turns around to see the tornado and the brunette runs away.Next up is the red head. The shooter counts; 1, 2,3..., and the red head yells out,\" Flood!\" Everybody turns around to see the flood and the red head runs away. Next up is the blonde. The shooter counts; 1,2,3...,and the blonde yells,\"Fire!\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Blonde Jokes", + "output": "There was a blonde woman who was having financial troubles, so she decided to kidnap a child and demand a ransom. She went to a local park, grabbed a little boy, took him behind a tree and wrote this note: I have kidnapped your child. Leave $10,000 in a plain brown bagbehind the big oak tree in the park tomorrow by 7 AM.Signed - \"The Blonde\"She pinned the note inside the boy's jacket and told him to go straight home. The next morning, she returned to the park to find the $10,000 ina brown bag, behind the big oak tree, just as she had instructed. Alsoinside the bag was the following note: \"Here is your money. I cannot believe that one blonde would dothis to another.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Military", + "output": "This guy goes to sit at his plane seat in first class, and finds a blonde there. He says, excuse me miss, but this is my seat. She replies, I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I have a great body and I'm going to Florida. So the guy calls the stewardess over to help him. He explains the situation to the stewardess, and the stewardess says, miss, your seat is in coach, I'm gonna have to ask you to leave first class. The blonde response, I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I have a great body, and I'm going to Florida. The stewardess then goes to get the captain to help her, and the captain asks the blonde to please leave first class, and go back to coach. The blonde response, I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I have a great body, and I'm going to Florida. The captain thinks about this for a minute, then whispers something in the blondes ear. As soon as he does, she gets up and goes back to coach.. The stewardess is amazed. What did you say? The captain replies, I told her first class doesn't go to Florida." + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Blonde Jokes", + "output": "A Brunette, a Redhead, and a Blonde escape a burning building by climbing to the roof. Firemen are on the street below, holding a blanket for them to jump in. The firemen yell to the Brunette, \"Jump! Jump! It's your only chance to survive!\" The Brunette jumps and SWISH! The firemen yank the blanket away...the Brunette slams into the sidewalk like a tomato. \"C'mon! Jump! You gotta jump!' say the firemen to the Redhead. \"Oh no! You're gonna pull the blanket away!\" says the Redhead. \"No! It's Brunettes we can't stand! We're OK with Redheads!\" \"OK\" says the Redhead, and she jumps. SWISH! The firemen yank the blanket away, and the lady is flattened on the pavement like a pancake. Finally, the Blonde steps to the edge of the roof. Again, the firemen yell \"Jump! You have to jump!\" \"No way! You're just gonna pull the blanket away!\" yelled the Blonde. \"No! Really! You have to jump! We won't pull the blanket away!\" \"Look,\" the Blonde says. \"Nothing you say is gonna convince me that you're not gonna pull the blanket away! So what I want you to do is put the blanket down, and back away from it....\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Blonde Jokes", + "output": "A blonde walks into a pharmacy and asks the pharmacist for a bottom deodorant. \"Sorry, we don't sell bottom deodorant\" the pharmacist replies, struggling to keep from laughing.\"But I always buy it here\", the blonde says. \"I bought one last month\". Thinking quickly, the pharmacist suggests, \" I don't know what you bought before, may be you can bring in the empty container next time\". \"Sure\", the blonde replies. \"I'll bring it with me tomorrow\"The next day, the blonde walks into the shop again and hands the pharmacist an almost empty deodorant stick. \"This is just a normal deodorant\", the pharmacist tells the blonde, \"You use it under your arms\".\"No, it is not\", the blonde answers, \"it says so here: To apply, push up bottom\"." + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Blonde Jokes", + "output": "A blonde received a certificate for helicopter flying lessons for her birthday. One day she was bored and decided to take advantage of the opportunity. When she arrived at the place, the man said \"Well, there's only one helicopter here, and it only has one seat, if I show you how to do it, do you mind going up solo?\" \"Oh of course! I can handle it\" the blonde replied. Well, he showed her the inner-workings of the helicopter and sent her on her way, only asking that she radio in every 400ft. just to make sure everything was going smoothly. at 400ft, she radioed in saying \"wow! this is so much fun!\" At 800 ft. She radioed in again saying \"this is pretty easy, I can do this all day!\" At 1200 ft. She didnt. he waited and waited, and didn't hear from the blonde! seconds later he heard a crash in the field next to the station. He ran out to see what happened, the blonde crashed! Luckily she survived, \"what happened?\" he exclaimed. \"Well, I was doing fine, but, I started to get cold, so I just turned off the big fan!\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Blonde Jokes", + "output": "A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun.The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head.The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself. Hysterically the blonde responds to the husband, \"shut up...you're next!\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Blonde Jokes", + "output": "There is a blonde, a redhead and a brunette on the stairway to heaven. God says, \"There are 3,000 steps and i'll tell you a joke on each 1,000th step you reach. If you laugh you go to hell.\" So they start walking and reach to the first 1,000th step. God tells a joke, the brunette laughs and goes to hell. Then on the 2,000th step God tells a joke, the redhead laughs and goes to hell. On the 3,000th step God tells a joke, the blonde doesn't laugh and proceeds to the gate. Suddenly, she bursts out laughing. God asks, \"what are you laughing about?\", so she replies, \"i just got the first joke!\"." + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Blonde Jokes", + "output": "A young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana. She wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.After becoming very frustrated with the \"no haggle\" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, \"Maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price!\"The shopkeeper said, \"By all means, be my guest. Maybe you'll luck out and catch yourself a big one!\" Determined, the blonde turned and headed for the swamps, set on catching herself an alligator.Later in the day, the shopkeeper was driving home, when he spotted the young woman standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand. Just then, he saw a huge 9-foot alligator swimming quickly toward her. She took aim, killed the creature, and with a great deal of effort hauled it on to the swamp bank. Lying nearby were several more of the dead creatures. The shopkeeper watched in amazement. Just then the blonde flipped the alligator on its back, and frustrated, shouts out, \"Damn it, this one isn't wearing any shoes either!\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Blonde Jokes", + "output": "There are three people: a blonde named Stacy, a red-head named Mary, and a guy named Jack.One day Mary says \"I think we should rob a bank.\" And everyone agrees.So the next week after much planning they all set it up. \"Now remember me and Mary are going to circle around for two minures, got it?\" Says Jack, \"Okay.\" Says Stacy.They drive away and two minutes pass and they come back. Stacy hasn't come out. 3 minutes pass, 4 minutes pass, 10 minutes pass, and after 11 minutes Stacy comes runing out with a safe that has been tied up and a guard with his pants down chasing after her. Stacy jumps in the car and they drive off. Imidietly Mary says, \"I told you to blow the safe and tie up the guard!!!\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Blonde Jokes", + "output": "Q & A Q: Why are dumb blonde jokes so short? A: So brunettes can remember them. Q: What do you do if a blonde throws a grenade at you? A: You pick it up pull the pin & throw it back. Q: What happened to the blonde tap dancer? A: She slipped off and fell down the drain. Q: How can you tell if a blonde has been using the computer? A: The joystick is wet. Q: What's the quickest way to get into a blondes pants? A: Pick them up off the floor. Q: Why don't blonds play frisbee? A: It hurts their teeth. Q: What do you call a blonde with half a brain? A: Gifted! Q: How do blonde braincells die ? A: Alone. Q: Why don't blondes eat bananas? A: They can't find the zipper. Q: How did the blonde try to kill the fish? A: She tried to drown it. Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a 747? A: Not everyone has been in a 747. Q. why did the blonde bring a ladder to the bar? A. because she heard the drinks were on the house." + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Blonde Jokes", + "output": "Three girls are walking in a magical forest. Suddenly, a witch comes out of the woods, and tells them: \"Each of you has to say one good thing about herself. If you lie, i will make you disappear!\".The first girl, a brunette, says:\"I think I am a very kind and toughtfull person\".*Pooph*- she disappears. The second girl, red-haired, says:\"I think i am very sexy\".*Pooph*- she also disappears.The third girl, a blonde, says:\"Well, I think...\"*Pooph*- she is gone..." + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Blonde Jokes", + "output": "An Blonde calls her boyfriend and says, \"Please come over here and help me, I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get it started.\" Her boyfriend asks, \"What is it supposed to be when it's finished?? The girl says, \"According to the picture on the box, it's a tiger.\"Her boyfriend decides to go over and help her with the puzzle. She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzles spread all over the table. He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box. He turns to her and says, \"First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger. Second, I'd advise you to relax. Let's have a cup of coffee, then put all these Frosties back in the box.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Blonde Jokes", + "output": "This blonde had a near death experience the other day. She climbed on top of a horse, and all of a sudden it started moving. She was a little frightened, this was her first time, but she kept on the horse. Then the horse started going fast and got out of control, and the blonde couldn't stay on, she fell of, but her foot got stuck, and she was dragging on the ground. She started screaming, and was in great pain. Then the wal-mart manager came outside and unplugged the horse." + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Blonde Jokes", + "output": "Three blondes walk into a forest and soon find a pair of tracks.The first blonde says: \"I think they're deer tracks.\"The second blonde says: \"No, I think they're bear tracks.\"The third blonde says: \"You're both wrong! They're bird tracks!\"Then they get hit by a train." + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Blonde Jokes", + "output": "A man walks in to an auto store and askes the blonde cashier where the turtle wax is. the blonde says,\"i'm sorry sir, but we don't sell pet supplies.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Blonde Jokes", + "output": "One day a blonde is hiking in the woods. She follows the trail until she comes upon a river. As she is thinking how she can get across the river; another blonde appears on the opposite side.The blonde yells to the other blonde \"How do I get to the other side?\"The other blonde looks up and then down the river and yells back:\"You are on the other side!\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Blonde Jokes", + "output": "Two blondes are walking down a road, one has a large sports bag. 1st blonde: \"What have you got in that bag?\" 2nd blonde: \"Chickens.\" 1st blonde: \"If I can guess how many chickens you've got in that bag, can I have one of them?\" 2nd blonde: \"If you can guess how many chickens I've got in this bag, you can have BOTH of them!!\" 1st blonde: \"Well, I think you've got three.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Blonde Jokes", + "output": "A girl came skipping home from school one day. \"Mommy, Mommy,\" she yelled, \"we were counting today, and all the other kids could only count to four, but I counted to 10. See? 1, 2, 3, 4, 5,6, 7, 8, 9, 10!\" \"Very good,\" said her mother. \"Is it because I'm blonde?\" the girl said. \"Yes, it's because you're blonde,\" said the mommy. The next day the girl came skipping home from school. \"Mommy, Mommy,\" she yelled, \"we were saying the alphabet today, and all the other kids could only say it to D, but I said it to G. See? A, B, C, D, E, F, G!\" \"Very good,\" said her mother. \"Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy?\" \"Yes, it's because you're blonde.\" The next day the girl came skipping home from school. Mommy, Mommy,\"she yelled, \"we were in gym class today, and when we showered, all theother girls had flat chests, but I have these!\" And she lifted her tanktop to reveal a pair of 36Cs. \"Very good,\" said her embarrassed mother. \"Is it because I'm blonde, mommy?\" \"No Honey, it's because you're 24.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Blonde Jokes", + "output": "A blonde is walking down the street with her blouse open, exposing one of her breasts. A nearby policeman approaches her and remarks, \"Ma'am, are you aware that I could cite you for indecent exposure?\" \"Why, officer?\" asks the blonde. \"Because your blouse is open and your breast is exposed.\" \"Oh my goodness,\" exclaims the blonde, \"I left my baby on the bus!\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Blonde Jokes", + "output": "One cold Winter day, a blonde decides she wants to take up ice fishing. When she gets to the pond, she begins to cut a hole in the ice. As she does, she hears a voice. \"There's no fish there...\". Puzzled, the blonde picks up her stuff and cuts another hole a few feet away. Again, she hears the voice. \"There's no fish there...\" The blonde is confused, but still determined. About 10 feet away, she begins to cut another ice hole. \"There's no fish there...\", she hears. She immediately turns her head to the sky and says, \"Is that you, God?\"\"NO! IT'S THE MANAGER OF THE ICE-SKATING RINK! THERE'S NO FISH THERE!" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Blonde Jokes", + "output": "A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and stops to entertain at a bar in a small town. He's going through his usual run of silly blonde jokes when a big blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and says, \"OK jerk, I've heard just about enough of your denigrating blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What do a person's physical attributes have to do with their worth as a human being? It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in my community, of reaching my full potential as a person... because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes but women at large... all in the name of humor.\" Flustered, the ventriloquist begins to apologize, when the blonde pipes up, \"You stay out of this mister, I'm talking to that little jerk on your knee!\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Blonde Jokes", + "output": "One cold Winter day, a blonde decides she wants to take up ice fishing. When she gets to the pond, she begins to cut a hole in the ice. As she does, she hears a voice. \"There's no fish there...\". Puzzled, the blonde picks up her stuff and cuts another hole a few feet away. Again, she hears the voice. \"There's no fish there...\" The blonde is confused, but still determined. About 10 feet away, she begins to cut another ice hole. \"There's no fish there...\", she hears. She immediately turns her head to the sky and says, \"Is that you, God?\" \"NO! IT'S THE MANAGER OF THE ICE-SKATING RINK! THERE'S NO FISH THERE!\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Blonde Jokes", + "output": "A policeman pulled a blonde over after she'd been driving the wrong way on a one-way street. Cop: \"Do you know where you were going?\" Blonde: \"No, but wherever it is, it must be bad 'cause all the people were leaving.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Blonde Jokes", + "output": "This blonde decides one day that she is sick and tired of all these blonde jokes and how all blondes are perceived as stupid, so she decides to show her husband that blondes really are smart. While her husband is off at work, she decides that she is going to paint a couple of rooms in the house. The next day, right after her husband leaves for work, she gets down to the task at hand. Her husband arrives home at 5:30 and smells the distinctive smell of paint. He walks into the living room and finds his wife lying on the floor in a pool of sweat. He notices that she is wearing a ski jacket and a fur coat at the same time. \"Honey, are you okay?\" he asks her. \"Yes\" she replies. \"Then what are you doing?\" he asks. \"I wanted to prove to you that not all blonde women are dumb and I wanted to do it by painting the house.\" she replies. \"Then why are you wearing a ski jacket over a fur coat?\" he asks. \"Well,\" she replies \"I was reading the directions on the paint can and it said..... FOR BEST RESULTS, PUT ON TWO COATS.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Blonde Jokes", + "output": "One day while on patrol, a police officer pulled over a car for speeding. He went up to the car and asked the driver to roll down her window. The first thing he noticed, besides the nice red sports car, was how hot the driver was! Blue eyes, blonde, the works.\"I've pulled you over for speeding, Ma'am. Could I see your drivers license?\"\"What's a license???\" replied the blonde, instantly giving away the fact that she was as dumb as a stump.\"It's usually in your wallet,\" replied the officer. After fumblingfor a few minutes, the driver managed to find it. \"Now may I see your registration?\" asked the cop.\"Registration..... what's that....?\" asked the blonde.\"It's usually in your glove compartment.\" said the cop impatiently. After some more fumbling, she found the registration.\"I'll be back in a minute.\" said the cop and walked back to his car. The officer phoned into the dispatch to run a check on the woman's license and registration. After a few moments, the dispatcher came back, \"Ummm... is this woman driving a red sports car?\"\"Yes.\" replied the officer\"Is she a drop dead gorgeous blonde?\" asked the dispatcher\"Uh... yes.\" replied the cop.\"Here's what you do.\" said the dispatcher. \"Give her the stuff back, and drop your pants.\"\"What!!? I can't do that. Its... inappropriate.\" exclaimed the cop.\"Trust me. Just do it.\" said the dispatcher.So the cop goes back to the car, gives back the license and registration and drops his pants, just as the dispatcher said.The blonde looks down and sighs..... \"Ohh no... not another breathalyser." + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Aviation", + "output": "A blonde gets an opportunity to fly to a nearby country. She has neverbeen on an airplane anywhere and was very excited and tense. As soon as she boarded the plane, a Boeing747, she started jumping in excitement,running over seat to seat and starts shouting, \"BOEING! BOEING!! BOEING!!! BO.....\" Annoyed by the goings on, the Pilot comes out and shouts \"BE SILENT!\" There was pin-drop silence everywhere and everybody is looking at theblonde and the angry Pilot. She stared at the pilot in silence for amoment, concentrated really hard, and all of a sudden started shouting,\"OEING! OEING! OEING! OE....\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Blonde Jokes", + "output": "There was a blonde, a brunette, and a red head escaping from jail. The brunette ran up a tree and a police officer yells \"who is there?\" and the brunette says \"tweet tweet\". So the police officer walks away. Then, the redhead runs up the tree and the police officer says \"who is there?\" and the red head says \"meow\" so the police officer walks away.So the blonde runs up the tree and the police officer says \"who is there?\" the blonde says \"moooo\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Blonde Jokes", + "output": "Once a Blonde and a brunette were watching the news when they saw a man at the top of a building threatening to jump off. The Brunette said \"I bet you fifty bucks he's going to jump off, what do you say?\" The Blonde said \"sure,\" They watched carefully for 10 minutes when the man jumps off. The Blonde hands over the 50 bucks and says \"good job,\" The brunette looks guilty and says \"I'm sorry, here's your fifty bucks back, I saw the earlier showing and I knew the man was going to jump off,\" then blonde says \"don't worry, I saw it too, I just didn't think he'd do it again,\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Blonde Jokes", + "output": "Santa Vlause, the Tooth Fairy, the Easter Bunny, a smart blonde and a dumb blonde were all walking down the street when they all spotted a 100$ dollar bill. Who do you think got it? No one because the first four dont exist and the dumb blonde thought it was a gum wrapper." + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Blonde Jokes", + "output": "A cop was driving down a country road when he saw a car in the ditch. He got out of his car to see if anyone was in the car. A blonde popped her head out the window and said \"Thank god officer! I got in an accident!\" The officer replied with \"Well I can see that! Are you okay?\" The blonde looked forward and said \"Well yeah... I think so.\" Then the officer looked around and said \"Miss.... your car looks like an elephant stepped on it. How did you crash?\" The blonde looked at him and said \"It was so strange. I was driving down the road and out of nowhere a tree jumped infront of me, so I swerved to the other side and another tree was in the way, so I swerved again, but another one was there again, so one last time I swerved to the other side, but the damn tree got me, and caused me to go in this ditch!\" The officer started to laugh hard. \"Whats so funny?\" The blonde asked. The officer took a second to catch his breath then said \"Miss, theres no trees on this road for miles ahead. That was your car air freshner swinging back and forth!\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Blonde Jokes", + "output": "A blonde had just gotten a new sports car and was out for a drive when she accidentally cut off a truck driver. He motioned for her to pull over. When she did, he got out of his truck and pulled a piece of chalk from his pocket. He drew a circle on the side of the road and gruffly commanded to the blonde, \"Stand in that circle and DON'T MOVE!\"He then went to her car and cut up her leather seats. When he turned around she had a slight grin on her face, so he said, \"Oh you think that's funny? Watch this!\" He gets a baseball bat out of his truck and breaks every window in her car. When he turns and looks at her she has a smile on her face. He is getting really mad. He gets his knife back out and slices all her tires.Now she's laughing. The truck driver is really starting to lose it. He goes back to his truck and gets a can of gas, pours it on her car and sets it on fire. He turns around and she is laughing so hard she is about to fall down. \"What's so funny?\" the truck driver asked the blonde. She replied, \"Every time you weren't looking, I stepped outside the circle.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Blonde Jokes", + "output": "A blonde with two red ears went to her doctor. The doctor asked herwhat had happened to her ears and she answered, \"I was ironing a shirt and the phone rang - but instead of picking up the phone I accidentally picked up the iron and stuck it to my ear.\" \"Oh Dear!\" the doctor exclaimed in disbelief. \"But, what happened toyour other ear?\" \"The jerk called back!\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Blonde Jokes", + "output": "Once, a blonde decided to ride a horse. She was riding quite pleasantly on a trail in a field until the horse speeded up. He was going faster and faster, and soon she felt herself slipping. Her head was just about to hit the ground... Then the Wal Mart manager ran to turn off the horsey ride." + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Blonde Jokes", + "output": "A Blonde was down on her luck. In order to raise some money, she decided to kidnap a kid and hold him for ransom. She went to the playground, grabbed a kid, took him behind a tree, and told him, \"I`ve kidnapped you.\" She then wrote a note saying, \"I`ve kidnapped your kid. Tomorrow morning, put $10,000 in a paper bag and put it under the pecan tree next to the slide on the north side of the playground. Signed, Blonde.\" The Blonde then taped the note to the kid`s shirt and sent him home to show it to his parents. The next morning the blonde checked, and sure enough, a paper bag was sitting beneath the pecan tree. The blonde opened the bag and found the $10,000 with a note that said, \"How could you do this to a fellow Blonde?\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Blonde Jokes", + "output": "A blonde walks into an appliance store and starts to look around. She then asks the clerk,\"Can I have that television set over there.\" The clerk looks at her and says no. This confuses her. She then asks why? The Clerk responds,\"Because you are a blonde.\" The blonde woman walks out with an idea on how to get that television. She then returns with a wig full of red hair. She asks the clerk again for the television set. He looks at her suspiciously and replies,\"No because I told you I don't sell them to blondes.\" She then says,\"I am not a blonde I am a redhead.\" The clerk then said,\"I know your the same women because that is no television thats a microwave.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Blonde Jokes", + "output": "A young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana. She wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking. After becoming very frustrated with the \"no haggle\" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, \"Maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price!\" The shopkeeper said, \"By all means, be my guest. Maybe you'll luck out and catch yourself a big one!\" Determined, the blonde turned and headed for the swamps, set on catching herself an alligator. Later in the day, the shopkeeper was driving home, when he spotted the young woman standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand. Just then, he saw a huge 9-foot alligator swimming quickly toward her. She took aim, killed the creature, and with a great deal of effort hauled it on to the swamp bank. Lying nearby were several more of the dead creatures. The shopkeeper watched in amazement. Just then the blonde flipped the alligator on its back, and frustrated, shouted out, \"Damn it, this one isn't wearing any shoes either!\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Blonde Jokes", + "output": "A blonde, a brunette and a redhead are walking along their island beach when one sees a bottle lying on the ground.It turns out there's a genie in it so they each get one wish.The brunette says: \"I miss my family, I wish i was home again.\"With a puff of smoke she disappeared. The redhead wished for the same thing.There the blonde stood, all alone on the beach. She started to cry and said \"I wish my friends would come back\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Blonde Jokes", + "output": "One day two blondes each bought a pig. The problem they were having was telling the two pigs apart. So, the first blonde had an idea: She said, \"I'll cut my pig's tail off, then we will know the difference.\" So she cut her pig's tail off. That night the pigs got in a fight and one pig bit the other pig's tail off. The next morning the blonde had a solution, she said,\"I'll just cut my pig's right back leg off.\" So, she did. That night same thing; the pigs got in a fight and one pig bit the other pig's right back leg off. The next morning the blondes were real upset and finally decided to cut the back left leg from the pig, so she did. That night the pigs got in a fight and one pig bit the other pig's back left leg off. The next morning the blondes were really upset and didn't know how they were going to tell their pigs apart. So, one of them stated, \"I will cut my pig's right front leg off. Then we can tell our pigs apart.\" So, she did. That night the pigs got in a fight and one pig bit the other pig's right front leg off. The blondes were really upset and decided the only logical explanation would be to cut the remaining leg off one pig. So, they did. That night the pigs got in a fight and one pig bit the other pig's only leg off. The next morning when the blondes awoke they were devastated. Finally, the other blonde spoke up and said, \"How about you take the white one and I'll take the black one.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Blonde Jokes", + "output": "One day, a blonde's neighbor goes over to her house, sees the blonde crying, and asks her what happened. The blonde said that her mother had passed away. The neighbor made her some coffee and calmed her down a little and then left. The next day the neighbor went back over to the house and found the blonde crying again. She asked her why she was crying this time. ''I just got off of the phone with my sister, her mother died too!''" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Blonde Jokes", + "output": "Two telephone company crews were putting up telephone poles. At the endof the day, the company foreman asked the first crew how many poles they had put in the ground. \"Fifteen\" was the answer. \"Not bad, not bad at all,\" the foreman said. Turning to the blonde crew he asked how many they had put in. \"Four\" was the answer. \"Four?\" the foreman yelled. \"The others did fifteen, and you only did four?\" \"Yes,\" replied the leader of the blonde group, \"But go look at how much they left sticking out of the ground.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Blonde Jokes", + "output": "Eleven women were clinging precariously to a wildlyswinging rope suspended from a crumbling outcropping on Mount Everest. Ten were blonde, one was a brunette.As a group they decided that one of the party should let go.If that didn't happen the rope would break and everyone would perish. For an agonizing few moments no one volunteered.Finally the brunette gave a truly touching speech saying she wouldsacrifice herself to save the lives of the others.All the blondes applauded." + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Blonde Jokes", + "output": "A brunette woman goes into the dr.'s office. She tells the Dr. : \"It hurts all over my body.\" He says: \"point to where it hurts\". She points to her shoulder and yells \"OUCH!\". She then points to her hip and yells \"OUCH!\". Finally she points to her knee and screams in pain \"OUCH!!!\". The Dr. asks her \"Are you a true blonde and dyed your hair brown?\" She says: \"yes, how did you know\"? He answers: \"YOU HAVE A BROKEN FINGER!!!\"." + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Blonde Jokes", + "output": "A blonde arrived for her first golf lesson and the pro asked her to take a swing at a ball to see how she'd do. The blonde did so and completely duffed the shot. The pro said \"Your swing is good but you're gripping the club too hard. Grip the club gently as you would your husband's privates.\". The blonde took another shot and nailed the ball 275 yards straight down the fairway. The pro said \"That was excellent!! Let's try it again, only this time take the club out of your mouth.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Blonde Jokes", + "output": "There were two blondes going hunting. It was getting late so one of theblondes said to the other that she heard if you ever get lost in the woods to shoot three shots into the air. So she did. A few hours wentby and so she fired three more shots in the air. A few more hours wentby and they fired three more shots in the air. Then one of the blondessaid someone better hurry up and save us...we only have two more arrowsleft." + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Blonde Jokes", + "output": "Blonde Cook Book: MONDAY:It's fun to cook for Bob. Today I made angel food cake.The recipe said beat 12 eggs separately. The neighborswere nice enough to loan me some extra bowls. TUESDAY:Bob wanted fruit salad for supper. The recipe saidserve without dressing. So I didn't dress. What asurprise when Bob brought a friend home for supper. WEDNESDAY:A good day for rice. The recipe said wash thoroughlybefore steaming the rice. It seemed kinda of silly butI took a bath. I can't say it improved the rice any. THURSDAY:Today Bob asked for salad again. I tried a new recipe.It said prepare ingredients, then toss on a bed oflettuce one hour before serving. Which is what led upto Bob asking me why I was rolling around in the garden. FRIDAY:I found an easy recipe for cookies. It said put allingredients in bowl and beat it. There must havebeen something wrong with this recipe. When I got back,everything was the same as when I left. SATURDAY:Bob did the shopping today and brought home a chicken.He asked me to dress it for Sunday (oh boy). For somereason Bob keeps counting to ten. SUNDAY:Bob's folks came to dinner. I wanted to serve roast.All I could find was hamburger. Suddenly I had a flashof genius. I put the hamburger in the oven and set thecontrols for roast. It still came out hamburger, muchto my disappointment. GOOD NIGHT DEAR DIARY.This has been a very exciting week. I am eager fortomorrow to come so I can try out a new recipe on Bob.If we could just get a bigger oven, I would like tosurprise him with Chocolate Moose." + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Blonde Jokes", + "output": "1. The water proof towel2. Solar powered flash light3. Sumberrine screen door4. A book on how to read5. Inflatable dart board6. A dictionary index7. Ejector seat in a helicopter8. Powdered water9. Pedel powered wheel chair10. Water proof tea bags" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Blonde Jokes", + "output": "A Blonde was driving down the highway and she cuts off a Truck. The Driver motions for the Blonde to pull over. The blonde pulls over and the truck driver draws a circle on the road next to the car. He says \"Don't leave this circle\" and cuts her tires. He comes back and the Blonde is giggling. He says\"Oh you think thats funny!\" and rips her convertable top. He comes back and the blonde is laughing. The driver gets mad and lights her car on fire. The driver comes back and the blonde is rolling on the floor laughing. He asks \" What is so funny!\" She says \"I stepped out of the circle 9 times!\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Blonde Jokes", + "output": "A Blonde and a Burnette are watching the news at 6. It is live on the scene. It has been reported that a old homeless man is on top of a large bridge and swears that he will jump off the bridge. The Burnette turns around and says to the Blonde\" I bet you $50 that he will jump. Th blonde says\" You're on. Sure enough the old man jumps and falls to his death. The Burnette snickers to herself and says\"I must admit I did watch the news at 5. The blonde says So did I but, I did'nt think he would jump twice!!" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Blonde Jokes", + "output": "There are three blondes playing Jeopardy. The announcer says, \"This is the final question. How many \"D's\" are in Jeopardy?\" The first blond says \"1.\" The announcer goes to number two and she says \"1000.\" \"I'm not even going to ask,\" the announcer said. He goes up to the third blonde and she says \"33\" \"How did you get 33?\" he asks. The blond starts singing to herself, \"Dun Dun, Dun, Dun, Dun...\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Military", + "output": "There was a blonde sitting on a plane in first class seats with an economy class ticket. The flight attendant asked to check her ticket.'Excuse me' she said 'you only have an economy class ticket but you are sitting in first class. Could you please move to your allocated seat.'The blonde was very stubborn and said 'Im blonde and beautiful and I'm going to New York.'So the flight attendant went to another flight attendant and told her the problem. Her answer was the same.'Im blonde and beautiful and Im going to new york.'This went on throught 4 other flight attendants.Finally they went to the captain and told him the problem.He said 'I can handle this' and went to talk to her.Hw whispered something in her ear and she got up and ran to economy class.All the flight attendatns were shocked and they asked him how he did it.He said 'I told her first class wasn't going to New York.'" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Blonde Jokes", + "output": "A blonde, a brunette, and a red-head all go hunting together. Then they decide to all go their separate ways. When they all come back, the brunette had shot a rabbit. The other 2 ask \"How'd you do that?\"She says: \"Well, I followed some tracks,and BOOM, I got a rabbit.\" The red-head had came back with a deer. The blond & brunette ask \"How'd you do that?\" She says:\"Well, I follwed some tracks and BOOM, I got a deer.\" The blonde comes back all beat up and bloody, without any game. They ask \"HOW'D YOU DO THAT?!?\" And she says: \"Well I followed some tracks, and BOOM, I got hit by a train\"THE END" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Blonde Jokes", + "output": "A blonde wearing headphones walks into a store and on the window it said 'No Headphones' so the clerk says, \"I'm afraid I'll have to make you take off those headphones.\"The blonde paid no attention to the clerk, so he said louder \"If you don't take off those headphones I will!\".The blonde still paid no attention, so the clerk yanked the headphones off of her.Then she fainted all of a sudden.The clerk put on the headphones to see what she was listening to.All he heard was \"Breathe! Breathe! Breathe!\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Blonde Jokes", + "output": "A blonde walking by the river came across another blonde directly across from her. The first blonde waved to the other and said \"hey, how do i get to the other side\"? The other blonde answered \"You're already on the other side\"." + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Blonde Jokes", + "output": "A young man wanted to get his beautiful \"blonde\" wife something nice for their first wedding anniversary. So he decides to buy her a cellphone. She is all excited, she loves her phone. He shows her and explains to her all the features on the phone. The next day the blonde goes shopping. Her phone rings and it's her husband, \"Hi hun,\"he says \"how do you like your new phone?\" She replies: \"I just love, it's so small and your voice is clear as a bell! But there's one thing I don't understand though.\" \"What's that, baby?\" asks the husband. \"How did you know I was at Wal-Mart?\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Blonde Jokes", + "output": "What do u call a blonde with 1brain cell? GIFTED!What do u call a blonde with 2brain cells? PREGNANT!What do u call a blonde with 3brain cells? A GOLDEN RETRIEVER!" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Blonde Jokes", + "output": "There's this blonde who goes into an electronics shop, and asks the bloke in there if she can buy this TV. But the bloke says Sorry, we dont serve blondes. So she goes away, dyes her hair brown, and goes back. Sorry, we dont serve blondes, the bloke says.So she goes back and dyes her hair ginger, but he still tells her they dont serve blondes.Sooooo, she goes back yet again, but dyes her hair black. Again, she asks if she can buy the TV, but yet again, she cant get served.Look, she says, how can you tell i'm a blonde, even tho i've dyed my hair???Soory lady, thats a microwave!!!!" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Blonde Jokes", + "output": "A blonde dyed her hair to red one day, then she takes a walk down the road and comes upon a farm. She walks up to the fenced yard where the farmer is counting his sheeps. The farmer said hello and that if she guessed how many he had, then she can keep one. The blonde thought it was a great idea, so she starts counting in her head. She finally guessed 26, which was RIGHT!!! The farmer was amazed, but he kept his word. She climbed over the fence and back with the animal in her arms. The farmer takes one look at her and the animal and says, \" If I guess what natural hair color you have, can i have my dog back?\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Blonde Jokes", + "output": "A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead are stranded in the desert because their car broke down. The redhead grabs some water, the brunette grabs some food, and the blonde grabs the car door. They began walking, when the redhead turns to the brunette and says,\" Why did you bring the food?\" She replies, \" Well in case i get hungry, i can eat it. Why did you bring water?\" The redhead replies, \" Well in case i get thirsty, i can drink it.\" Then they both turn to the blonde and say, \" Why did you bring the car door?\" She replies, \" Well in case i get hot, i can roll down the window.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Blonde Jokes", + "output": "A blonde, a redhead, and a brunette were running away from the cops. They ran into a barn, and each hid in a sack. The cops came and kicked the sack with the redhead in it, she said, \"meow...\" The cops said, \" It's just a cat,\" and goes on and kicks the sack with the brunette. She says, \" woof...\" The cops say, \" It's just a dog.\" They kick the sack with the blonde and she says, \" Potatoe...\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Blonde Jokes", + "output": "A blind man enters a Lesbian bar by mistake. He finds his way to a barstool and orders a drink. After sitting there for a while the blind guyyells to the bartender: \"Hey, wanna hear a blonde joke?' A deathlysilencetranscends the bar. In a deep, husky, menacing voice, the woman next tohimsays: \"Before you tell that joke, you should know something. Thebartenderis blonde, the bouncer is blonde, and I'm a 6' tall, 200lb blonde with ablack belt in Karate. What's more, the woman sitting next to me is blondeand she's a weight lifter. The lady to your right is a blonde and she's apro wrestler. Think about it seriously, Mister. You still wanna tellthatjoke?\"The blind man pauses to think, and says, \"Nah, not if I'm gonna have toexplain it five times.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Political", + "output": "Bill and Hillary Clinton went out to dinner and when the waiter came to take their order, he asked Bill how he wanted his steak, she replied, \"medium.\" Then the waiter said, \"how about your vegetable?\" Bill replied, \"Oh, she can order for herself.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Blonde Jokes", + "output": "there were three people walking on the street.a smart blonde, a stupid blonde and santa clause.suddenly, they see on the ground 100$.question : wich of them pick it up ? Answer:the stupid blonde !Why?because the smart blonde and santa clause don't exist, they are fiction." + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Blonde Jokes", + "output": "There were three people stranded on an island, a brunette, a redhead, and a blonde. The brunette looked over the water to the mainland and estimated about 20 miles to shore. So she announced, \"I'm going to try to swim to shore.\" So she swam out five miles, and got really tired. She swam out ten miles from the island, and she was too tired to go on, so she drowned. The second one, the redhead, said to herself, \"I wonder if she made it. I guess it's better to try to get to the mainland than stay here and starve.\" So she attempts to swim out. The redhead had a lot more endurance than the brunette, as she swam out 10 miles before she even got tired. After 15 miles, she was too tired to go on, so she drowned. So the blonde thought to herself, \"I wonder if they made it! I think I'd better try to make it, too.\" So she swam out 5 miles, ten miles, fifteen miles, and finally nineteen miles from the island. The shore was just in sight, but she said, \"I'm too tired to go on!\" So she swam back." + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Blonde Jokes", + "output": "You and your two blonde friends (Melisa and Sarah) are stranded on a desert island.You have no food at all with you and you are all starving.Then you guys found a piece of bologna.None of you want to share it and you guys don't know how to decide who keeps it.Then you said that whoever had the best dream would win the bologna.The next day you ask Melisa what her dream was. She said that she dreamed that she was rich.Then you asked Sarah what her dream was. She said that she dreamed that she was richer than Melisa.Then they asked you what your dream was.You said that you didn't have a dream but you wrote a poem.They asked you what it was.You said: \"Yankee Doodle went to town, riding on a pony.While you guys were all asleep I ate the damn bologna!\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Blonde Jokes", + "output": "Two blondes went to the market. While they were there, they each bought a horse. When they got home, they discussed how to tell their horses apart. They decided to cut the tail off of one. That worked for a while, but soon the tail grew back, so they decided that they would break one of the horses' legs. One of the blondes said, \"Which of the horses should we break the leg off of, the brown one or the white one?\"." + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Blonde Jokes", + "output": "Q: How do you get the blonde to turn on the light after sex?A: tell her to open the car doorQ:what did the blondes' left leg say to the right leg?A: Nobody knows, they've never met" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Blonde Jokes", + "output": "There was a blonde, a brunette, a red-head and a bald woman stuck on a desert island.The brunette decided to swim home, but got 1/3 of the way there and drowned, The red-had decided to try, but drowned 1/4 of the way there. The blonde decide that she had to risk it, so she swam 1/2 of the way there when she stopped and swam back.\"why did you come all the way back, when you were half way home?\" screamed the bald woman. \"well\", said the blonde \"I was going to carry on, but I got tired and thought I'd rest first\"." + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Blonde Jokes", + "output": "This blonde went in an electrical store for a microve. She asked can i please have that microve? the guy said no you blonde. She goes dyes her head black after that she went to the shop can i please have that microve? the guy said no you blonde. so she goes dyes her hair all different colours after that she went to the shop can i please have that microve? How do you know I'm a blonde? the guy said because your pointeting to a fridge" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Blonde Jokes", + "output": "A blonde was sick and tired of hearing jokes about being dumb. She decided to dye her hair black and set out to prove to the world just how wrong they were about blondes. She drove out of the city and into the country where there were many sheep farms. She spotted a sheep farmer, stopped her car and said, \"If I can tell you exactly how many sheep are in your field, will you give me a sheep?\" He said \"Sure!\" She counted and said \"131.\" The farmer said, \"That's Right! Go ahead and get a sheep.\" The blonde went and got her sheep. Then, the farmer said, \"If I tell you what color your hair really is, can I have it back?\" and she said, \"Yes.\" \"Blonde. Now give me back my dog.\"." + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Blonde Jokes", + "output": "A woman hired a contractor to repaint the interior of her house. The woman walked the man through the second floor of her home and told him what colors she wanted for each room. As they walked through the first room, the woman said, \"I think I would like this room in a cream color.\" The contractor wrote on his clipboard, walked to the window, opened it and yelled out, \"Green side up!\" He then closed the window and continued following the woman to the next room. The woman looked confused, but proceeded with her tour. \"In this room, I was thinking of an off blue.\" Again, the contractor wrote this down, went to the window, opened it and yelled out, \"Green side up!\" This baffled the woman, but she was hesitant to say anything. In the next room, the woman said she would like it painted in a light rose color. And once more, the contractor opened the window and yelled, \"Green side up!\" Struck with curiosity, the woman mustered up the nerve to ask, \"Why do you keep yelling 'Green side up' out my window every time I tell you the color I would like the room?\" The contractor replied, \"Because I have a crew of blondes laying sod across the street.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Blonde Jokes", + "output": "A blonde and a brunette were walking down the basement stairs in the dark to find a wrench when the blonde screamed. \"Something brushed against my rightr leg!!\" \"Oh My Gosh. Are you sure?\" \"Yea and it keeps doing it.\" she said as she ran around the basement. Then she stopped and thought for a second. \"Hold up. That was just my left leg." + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Blonde Jokes", + "output": "There was a blonde, a brunette and a red-head stuck on a deserted island. They were searching for food one day when they found a genie lamp. They each rubbed it and a genie popped up. He said \"Since you all found my lamp I will give you a wish each. The brunette said \"I wish I was 10% smarter so I can get off this island.\" She swam off the island. The red-head seeing what the blonde did said \"I wish I was 25% smarter to get off this island.\" She built a raft out of leaves and branches. The blonde seeing what they did said \"I wish I was 50% smarter to get off this island.\" The blonde turned into a man and walked over the bridge." + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Blonde Jokes", + "output": "One day a blonde was broke and didn't know what to do. So she decided to kidnap a child. She went over to the play ground and saw plenty of little kids running around. She picked out this one little boy and went over and grabbed him. She told the little boy she was going to kidnap and the little boy knowing she was a blonde didn't mind at all. The blonde wrote a note as the following:To whom it may concern:I have just kidnapped your little boy and I want one million dollars in a paper bag under the peach tree at noon. Sincerely a blondeAfter she was finished the note she pinned the note to his shirt and sent home. The next day the blonde she went to the peach tree at noon and there was a brown paper bag. All the money was there but there was a little note. It said:Dear a blonde:Your money is all there I just wanted to know how you could do this to another blonde." + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Blonde Jokes", + "output": "A blonde a brunette and a red-head were stuck on a deserted island. When they were searching for food one day they found a genie's lamp. They all rubbed it at the same time. The genie popped out and said \"Since you all rubbed my lamp at the same time, you get one wish each.\" The blonde went first \"I wish I was 10% smarter to get off this island.\" The next thing you knew it she was swimming away from the island. Seeing what she did the brunette said \"I wish I was 25% smarter to get off this island.\" The next thing you knew it she was making a raft out of branches and leaves. In the next 10 minutes she was off the island. Seeing what they both did the red-head said \" I wish I was 50 % smarter to get off this island.\" The next thing you knew it she became a man and walked over the bridge." + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Blonde Jokes", + "output": "The Secret Service was looking for more employees. They put up a sign and the next day they picked the next three people. They brought the first guy into a room and gave him a pistol and said\" Your wife is in that room go in and shoot her\" The guy looked at them and said\" No I can't do it\" So the Secret Service brought out the next guy and told him the same thing and handed him the gun. \"He went into the room and came back out but he didn't want to shoot her. So the Secret Service who was really desperate brought the last person in. She was a blonde so they were worried. They said\" Your husbandis in that room and I want you to shoot him.\" \"Alright\" she announced. She went into the room and the Secret Service heard alot of crashing and banging. They went in and found the man dead. \"What the hell is going on\" \"Oh The gun was a blank so I beat him to death with a chair.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Blonde Jokes", + "output": "A woman walked up to a little old man rocking in a chair on his porch. \"I couldn't help noticing how happy you look,\" she said. \"What's yoursecret for a long happy life?\" \"I smoke three packs of cigarettes a day,\" he said. \"I also drink a caseof whiskey a week, eat fatty foods, and never exercise.\" \"That's amazing,\" the woman said. \"How old are you?' \"Twenty-six.\" ** Shibu **" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Blonde Jokes", + "output": "There was a blond a brunette, and a red-head and they were walking down the street. A short man came up to them and said: in that castle there is a magic mirror, if u look into the mirror and tell the truth you will be granted any wish you please, but if you lie you will be banished into the mirror forever The girls went to the castle and the red-head went in first shhe said: I think I am the prettiest out of the blond and the brunette, she got a pot of silver. Next the brunette went in she said: I think I am the smartest out of the red-head and the blond, she got a new car. The blond went in to try her luck she walked up to the mirror and said: I think... She was vanished into the mirror forever." + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Deep Thoughts", + "output": "Why are they called apartments if they are joined together? An archaeologist is a best husband a woman can get. As older she grows, the more interested he is in her. A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well. If moths are attracted to bright lights, how come they sleep during the day? I love being married. It's so great to find that special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life. Anyone who thinks he is too small to make a difference has never been in bed with a mosquito. I wear my wife's glasses because she wants me to see things her way. Laugh and the world laughs with you. Cry and the world laughs louder." + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Deep Thoughts", + "output": "1. Capmbell's Soup Condoms: Mmm, mmmm, good...2. Coca Cola Conddoms: the real thing.3. Diet pepsi Condoms: You got the right one, baby.4. Double Mint: Double your pleasure, Double your fun!5. Energizer: It keeps going and going and going...6. Ford condoms: the best never Rest.7. Hewlett Packard Condoms; Expanding possibilities.8. KFC Condoms: Finger-lickin good.9. M&M Condom: It melts in your mouth, not in your hands!10. Mars Bar condoms: The quicker picker upper!11. Maxwell House: good to the last drop!12. Microsoft: Where do you want to go today?13. Nike Condoms: just do it.14. Pringles Condoms: Once you pop, you can't stop.15. Taco Bell: Get some; make a run for the border.16. Tattslotto Condoms: Who's next?17. Star Trek condoms: To boldly go where no man has gone before.18. Toyota Condoms: Oh what a feeling.19. United Airlines travel pack: Fly United.20. Yellow pages Condoms: Aren't you glad you use it? don't you wish everybody did?" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Deep Thoughts", + "output": "If you love something, set it free. If it comes back, it was, and always will be yours. If it never returns, it was never yours to begin with. If it just sits in your room, messes up your stuff, eats your food, uses your phone, takes your money, and never behaves as if you actually set it free in the first place, you either married it or gave birth to it." + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Deep Thoughts", + "output": "I recently picked a new primary care physician. After two visits andexhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing \"fairly well\" for my age. Alittle concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, \"Doyou think I'll live to be 80?\"He asked, \"Well, do you smoke tobacco or drink beer/wine?\"\"Oh no,\" I replied. \"I've never done either.\"Then he asked, \"Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?\"I said \"No, I've heard that all red meat is very unhealthy!\"\"Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing,ballooning, or rock climbing ?\"\"No, I don't,\" I said.He said, \"Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or sexually fool around?\"\"No,\" I said. \"I've never done any of those things.\"He looked at me and said, \"Then why do you give a damn if you live to be80?\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Deep Thoughts", + "output": "A little kid asks his father, \"Daddy, is God a man or a woman?\" \"Both son. God is both.\" After a while the kid comes again and asks, \"Daddy, is God black or white?\" \"Both son, both.\" The child returns a few minutes later and says, \"Daddy, is Michael Jackson God?\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Deep Thoughts", + "output": "Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered\tto her mother, \"Why is the bride dressed in white?\"\t\"Because white is the color of happiness and today is the\thappiest day of her life.\" Her mother tried to explain, keeping\tit simple.\tThe child thought about this for a moment, then said, \"So, why\tis the groom wearing black?\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Deep Thoughts", + "output": "An Englishman, a Scott, and a Irishman walked into a pub.Each orderd a pint of beer . Then a fly landed in each one's beer . The Englishman, turning slightly green, pushed his beer away and asked for another one .The Scott took the fly out ,shrugged, and drank his beer . The Irisman pinched the flybetween his fingers and yelled \" SPIT IT OUT! \"SPIT IT OUT!\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Deep Thoughts", + "output": "At age 4, success is..................not peeing in your pants. At age 12, success is..................having friends. At age 20, success is..................having sex. At age 35, success is..................making money. At age 70, success is..................having sex. At age 80, success is..................having friends. At age 90, success is..................not peeing your pants." + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Aviation", + "output": "Upon landing hard, the pilot got on the PA system, \"Sorry, folks for the hard landing. It wasn't my fault, blame it on the asphalt.\"On this particular flight, the airline pilot noted that he had \"hammered the plane a little hard on the runway.\"The airline policy was that he had to stand at the exit and apologize to each passenger getting off the plane, saying, \"Thank you for flying XYZ airlines and sorry for the rough landing.\"All the passengers had gotten off the plane, except for one little old lady, walking with a cane and wearing a hearing aid.She proceeded to walk up to the pilot and and said, \"Do you mind if I ask a question?\"He said, \"Why no, ma'am, go ahead.\"She then replied, \"I didn't hear the announcement. Did we land, or were we shot down?\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Men", + "output": "An elderly couple was crossing the Canadian border to go to their winter recluse in Florida. At the crossing they were stopped by an over-zealous border guard, on his first day at work. He commenced to ask the couple a battery of questions and check for passports.The husband, on behalf of his almost deaf wife, answered the barrage of queries.Officer: \"Where are you going?\"Husband: \"We're on vacation and going to Florida.\"Wife: \"What did he say? What did he say?\"Husband: \"He wants to know where we're going.\"Officer: \"How long will you be gone?\"Husband: \"About one month.\"Wife: \"What did he say? What did he say?\"Husband: \"He wants to know how long we'll be gone.\"Officer: \"Where are you from?\"Husband: \"We're from Toronto, Ontario.\"Officer: \"Toronto, huh. I was there once. Nice city. Had the worst date experience in my life.\"Wife: \"What did he say? What did he say?\"Husband: \"He says he knows you!\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Crazy Jokes", + "output": "Some members of a health club were having their first meeting. The director of the group said, \"Now, I'd like each of you to give the facts of your daily routine.\" Several people spoke, admitting their excesses, and then one obviously overweight member said, \"I eat moderately, I drink moderately, and I exercise frequently.\" \"Hmm?\" said the manager. \"And are you sure there is nothing you over-indulge in?\" \"Well,\" said the man, \"I lie extensively.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Aviation", + "output": "A young man joins the Air Force. He writes his father, saying that he is really frightened about the upcoming parachute exercises. A few months later he gets leave and goes home. His father asks, \"So, how did the parachute jump go, son?\" Son replies, \"Well, Dad, it came time for me to jump and I froze at the door. My drill sergeant comes up behind me. He is a really big tough guy. He said to me that I had to either jump out of the plane or he was going to \"do me\" with his 12-incher!\"Father says, \"Well, Son, did you jump?\" \"Just a little at first\" said the son." + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Men", + "output": "A man who just got a raise decides to buy a new scope for his rifle. He goes to a rifle shop, and asks the clerk to show him a scope. The clerk takes out a scope, and says to the man, \"This scope is so good, you can see my house all the way up on that hill.\" The man takes a look through the scope, and starts laughing. \"What's so funny?\" asks the clerk. \"I see a naked man and a naked woman running around in the house.\" the man replies. The clerk grabs the scope from the man, and looks at his house. Then he hands two bullets to the man and says, \"Here are two bullets, I'll give you this scope for nothing if you take these two bullets, shoot my wife's head off and shoot the guy's privates off.\" The man takes another look through the scope and says, \"You know what? I think I can do that with one shot!\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Men", + "output": "A couple goes to an art gallery. They find a picture of a naked women with only her privates covered with leaves. The wife doesn't like it and moves on but the huband keeps looking. The wife asks, \"What are you waiting for?\" The husband replies, \"Autumn.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Men", + "output": "James was on the beach, and could not understand why Bob had attracted all the girls, while he had no luck. So he asked Rich \"why do you get all the girls and I get nothing?\" Bob replied \"take a potato and tuck it in your swimming trunks. It drives the women wild!\" So James stuffed a potato in his suit and paraded up and down the beach. Several hours later, he still had no woman. James went to see Bob again and said \"I've tried the potato and it doesn't work!\" Bob looked at James and asked, \"have you tried putting the potato in the front?\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Crazy Jokes", + "output": "A very homely person made an appointment with a psychiatrist. The homely person walked into the doctor's office and said, \"Doctor, I'm so depressed and lonely. I don't have any friends, no one will come near me, and everybody laughs at me. Can you help me accept my ugliness?\" \"I'm sure I can.\" the psychiatrist replied. \"Just go over and lie face down on that couch.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Men", + "output": "A man walks into a bar. On the bar sits a big jar of twenty dollar bills. The man asks the bartender,\"What's the deal with the jar of money?\" \"Well\", the bartender says,\"I've got a horse tied up in the stable out back. This horse has never laughed in his life. You put a twenty in the jar, then if you can make my horse laugh, You win all the money!\" The man puts his twenty in the jar, and goes out to the stable. He comes back just a few minutes later, and you can hear the horse laughing all the way inside. The man takes his money and leaves. About a year later, he goes back to the bar, and they've got another jar of twenties there. \"What's the deal now?\" He asks. \"Well\",the bartender says,\"That damn horse won't stop laughing! So the first person who can make my horse stop laughing wins the money!\" The man pays his twenty, and goes out to the stable. He returns a few minutes later, and the horse is bawling his eyes out. He picks up his money and is about to leave when the bartender stops him. \"Alright\", he says,\"You have won an awful lot of money from me and I want to know how you did it!!\" \"Easy\", he says,\"I made him laugh by saying mine was bigger than his, and I made him cry by proving it!!\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Men", + "output": "Phil and Jill had been married for many years but now were in divorce court.The judge asked, 'Phil, is it true that the last three years of your marriage, you did not speak to Jill?'Phil replies, 'Yes Judge, that is correct.''And how do you explain this unusual conduct?' the judge inquires.Phil replies, 'I didn't want to interrupt her Your Honor.'" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Men", + "output": "Bob and Earl were best friends and had been for 50 years. They went to baseball games together and had the best time possible. They truly loved the game but they always wondered if there was baseball in heaven and agreed that whoever died first had to call the other guy and tell them if there was baseball in heaven. Then one night Earl died and then a few days later Bob went to his funeral and came home after the burial service. Then the phone rang it was Earl. Earl said,\"Bob is this you\" Bob said,\"Yes, Earl how are you doing and is there baseball in heaven?\" Earl said,\"Well I've got some good news and some bad news.\" Bob said, \"Whats the good news?\" Earl said, \"Well there is baseball in heaven and you can play with Babe Ruth and everybody its great\" Bob said, \"Then what's the bad news?\" Earl said, \"Well Bob, your starting pitching tommorow night!\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Men", + "output": "Two guys went to a gas station that was holding a contest: a chance to win free sex when you filled your tank. They pumped their gas and went to pay the attendant. \"I'm thinking of a number between one and ten,\" he said. \"If you guess right, you win free sex.\" \"Okay,\" agreed one of the guys, \"I guess seven.\" \"Sorry, I was thinking of eight,\" replied the attendant. The next week they tried again. When they went to pay, the attendant told them to pick a number. \"Two!\" said the second guy. \"Sorry, it's three, said the attendant. \"Come back and try again.\" As they walked out to their car, one guy said to the other, \"I think this contest is rigged.\" \"No way,\" said his buddy. \"My wife won twice last week.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Men", + "output": "A guy goes into a drugstore to buy condoms.\"What size?\" asks the clerk?\"Gee, I don't know.\"\"Go see Sophie in aisle 4.\" He goes over to see Sophie, who grabs him in the crotch, and yells, \"Medium!\" The guy is mortified! He hurries over to pay and leaves quickly. Another guy comes in to buy condoms, and gets sent to Sophie in aisle 4. Sophie grabs him and yells, \"Large!\" The guy struts over to the register, pays, and leaves. A high school kid comes in to buy condoms.\"What size?\" The kid embarrassedly says \"I've never done this before. I don't know what size.\" The clerk sends him over to Sophie in aisle 4. She grabs him and yells \"Clean up in aisle 4!\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Medical", + "output": "A man walked into a therapist's office looking very depressed. \"Doc, you've got to help me. I can't go on like this.\" \"What's the problem?\" the docotor inquired. \"Well, I'm 35 years old and I still have no luck with the ladies. No matter how hard I try, I just seem to scare them away.\" \"My friend, this is not a serious problem. You just need to work on your self-esteem. Each morning, I want you to get up and run to the bathroom mirror. Tell yourself that you are a good person, a fun person, and an attractive person. But say it with real conviction. Within a week you'll have women buzzing all around you.\" The man seemed content with this advice and walked out of the office a bit excited. Three weeks later he returned with the same downtrodden expression on his face. \"Did my advice not work?\" asked the doctor. \"It worked alright. For the past several weeks I've enjoyed some of the best moments in my life with the most fabulous looking women.\" \"So, what's your problem?\" \"I don't have a problem,\" the man replied. \"My wife does.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Men", + "output": "One day Jane met Tarzan in the jungle. She was very attracted to him and during her questions about his life, she asked him how he managed for sex. \"What's that?\" he asked. She explained to him what sex was and he said, \"Oh, Tarzan use hole in trunk of tree. \"Horrified, she said, \"Tarzan, you have it all wrong! I will show you how to do it properly.\" She took off her clothes, laid down on the ground, and spread her legs. \"Here,\" she said, pointing, \"You must put it in here.\" Tarzan removed his loincloth, stepped closer, and then gave her an almighty kick in the crotch. Jane screamed and rolled around in agony for several minutes. Eventually, she managed to gasp, \"What the hell did you do that for?\" \"Tarzan always check for bees.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Food Jokes", + "output": "A resident in a posh hotel breakfast room called over the head waiter one morning and read from the menu. \"I'd like one under- cooked egg so that it's runny, and one over-cooked egg so that it's tough and hard to eat. I'd also like grilled bacon which is a bit on the cold side, burnt toast, butter straight from the freezer so that it's impossible to spread, and a pot of very weak, lukewarm coffee.\" \"That's a complicated order sir,\" said the bewildered waiter. \"It might be quite difficult.\" The guest replied sarcastically, \"It can't be that difficult because that's exactly what you brought me yesterday!\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Men", + "output": "A guy goes fishing every Saturday morning. He gets up early and eager, makes his lunch, hooks up his boat and off he goes, all day long.Well, one Saturday morning he gets up early, dresses quietly, gets his lunch made, puts on his long johns, grabs the dog and goes to the garage to hook up his boat to the truck and down the driveway he goes.As he is coming out of his garage rain is pouring down; it is like a torrential downpour. There is snow mixed in with the rain, and the wind is blowing 50 mph. Minutes later, he returns to the garage.He comes back into the house and turns the TV to the weather channel. He finds it's going to be bad weather all day long, so he puts his boat back in the garage, quietly undresses and slips back into bed.There he cuddles up to his wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispers,\"The weather out there is terrible.\"To which she sleepily replies, \"Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that crap?\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Men", + "output": "A few days before her birthday a husband asked his wife, \"Dear, what would you like for your present?\"\"I really don't think I should say.\"\"How about a diamond ring?\" the husband asks.\"I don't care much for diamonds.\"\"Well, how about a mink coat?\"\"You know I do not like furs.\" she says.\"A golden necklace?\" asks the man.\"I already have three of them.\"\"Well, gosh, what do you want?\"The wife replies, \"What I'd really like is a divorce.\"\"Hmmm,\" says the man, \"I wasn't planning on spending that much.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Men", + "output": "A man's walking home late at night when he sees a woman in the shadows.\"Twenty bucks,\" she says.He'd never been with a hooker before, but he decides what the hell it's only twenty bucks. They're going at it for a minute when all of a sudden a light flashes on them. It's a police officer.\"What's going on here, people?\" asks the officer.\"I'm making love to my wife,\" the man answers indignantly.\"Oh, I'm sorry,\" says the cop, \"I didn't know.\"\"Well,\" said the man, \"neither did I until you shined that light in her face.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Men", + "output": "A woman asks her husband, \"Would you like some bacon and eggs? A slice of toast and maybe some grapefruit and coffee?\"He declines. \"Thanks for asking, but I'm not hungry right now. It's this Viagra,\" he says. \"It's really taken the edge off my appetite.\"At lunchtime she asked if he would like something. \"A bowl of soup, homemade muffins, or a cheese sandwich?\"He declines. \"The Viagra,\" he says, \"really trashes my desire for food.\"Come dinnertime, she asks if he wants anything to eat.\"Would you like a juicy porterhouse steak and scrumptious apple pie? Or maybe a rotisserie chicken or tasty stir fry?\"He declines again. \"Naw, still not hungry.\"\"Well,\" she says, \"would you mind letting me up? I'm starving.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Men", + "output": "A wife asks her husband, \"Honey, if I died, would you remarry?\"\"After a considerable period of grieving, I guess I would.. We all need companionship.\"\"If I died and you remarried,\" the wife asks, \"would she live in this house?\"\"We've spent a lot of money getting this house just the way we want it. I'm not going to get rid of my house. I guess she would.\"\"If I died and you remarried, and she lived in this house,\" the wife asks, \"would she sleep in our bed?\"\"Well, the bed is brand new, and it cost us $2,000. It's going to last a long time, so I guess she would.\"\"If I died and you remarried, and she lived in this house and slept in our bed, would she use my golf clubs?\"\"Oh, no,\" the husband replies. \"She's left-handed.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Men", + "output": "After working for years, a hooker finally retired and, being afraid of spending the rest of her life alone, she decided to marry. She had been with so many perverted men over the years that she felt she needed a change and would only get one by marrying a virgin male near her age. She took out ads in newspapers around the world seeking a male virgin who was 55 years old. She finally narrowed her choice to an Australian computer programmer. After a thorough background check, she was satisfied that he had indeed never been with a woman and they were married. On their wedding night, she went into the bathroom to change into her nightie. When she came back out, she found that her new husband had taken the bed and everything in the room and stacked it in one corner of the room.Thinking this was rather kinky, she said to her husband. \"thought you had never been with a woman. He replied, \"That's true, but if it's anything like screwing a kangaroo, we're going to need all the room we can get\"!" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Men", + "output": "A man comes home from work, sits in his lazyboy in front of the TV and rudely tells his wife, 'Gimme a beer before it starts.' She gives him his beer. About 15 minutes later, he says again, 'Gimme a beer before it starts.' She does. A few minutes later, he asks again for a beer. The wife says, 'Don't you think you're drinking too much beer? It hasn't been half an hour that you got here and you've already had two beers. I'm getting fed up with this.' The husband looks up and mumbles, 'Now it starts.'" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Men", + "output": "An 85 year old man marries a lovely 25 year old woman. Because her new husband is so old, the woman decides that on their wedding night they should have separate suites. She is concerned that the old fellow could overexert himself. After the festivities, she prepares herself for bed and for the knock on the door she is expecting. Sure enough the knock comes and there is her groom ready for action. They unite in conjugal union and all goes well, whereup on he takes his leave of her and she prepares to go to sleep for the night. After a few minutes there's a knock on the door and there the old guy is again, ready for more action. Somewhat surprised she consents to further coupling, which is again successful, after which the octogenarian bids her a fond good night and leaves. She is certainly ready for slumber at this point and is close to sleep for the second time, when there is another knock at the door and there he is again fresh as a 20 year old and ready for more. Once again, they do the horizontal boogie. As they're laying in afterglow the young bride says to him, 'I am really impressed that a guy your age has enough juice to go for it three times. I've been with guys less than half your age who were only good for one.' The old guy looks puzzled and turns to her and says, 'Was I already here?'" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Men", + "output": "A man was walking down the street when he noticed his grandfather sitting on the porch, in the rocking chair, with nothing on from the waist down. \"Grandpa, what are you doing?\" he exclaimed. The old man looked off in the distance without answering. \"Grandpa, what are you doing sitting out here with nothing on below the waist?\" he asked again. The old man slowly looked at him and said,\"Well, last week I sat out here with no shirt on, and I got a stiff neck. This is your grandma's idea.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Men", + "output": "Nice Hotel A husband and wife are traveling by car from Atlanta to New York. After almost twenty-four hours on the road, they decide to stop at a nice hotel and take a room. They only plan to sleep for four hours and then get back on the road. When they check out four hours later, the desk clerk hands them a bill for $350. The man explodes and demands to know why the charge is so high. He tells the clerk although it's a nice hotel, the rooms certainly aren't worth $350. When the clerk explains that $350 is the standard rate, the man insists on speaking to the manager. The manager enters the conversation and explains that the hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference center which were available for the husband and wife to use. He also explains that they could have taken in one of the shows which the hotel is famous for. \"The best entertainers from New York, Hollywood and Las Vegas perform here,\" explains the manager. No matter what facility the manager mentions, the man replies, \"But we didn't use it!\" The manager is unmoved. Eventually the man gives up and agrees to pay. He writes a check and hands it to the manager. \"But sir,\" the managers says, \"this check is only made out for $100.\" \"That's right,\" replies the man. \"I charged you $250 for sleeping with my wife.\" \"What! I didn't sleep with your wife!\" exclaims the manager. \"Well,\" the man replies, \"she was here, and you could have.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Medical", + "output": "After a few years of married life, this guy finds that he is unable to perform in bed anymore. He goes to his doctor, and his doctor tries a few things but nothing works. Finally the doctor says to him \"this is all in your mind\", and refers him to a psychiatrist. After a few visits to the shrink, the shrink confesses, \"I am at a loss as to how you could possibly be cured.\" Finally the psychiatrist refers him to witch doctor. The witch doctor tells , \"I can cure this\", and throws some powder on a flame, and there is a flash with billowing blue smoke........ The witch doctor says, \"This is powerful healing but you can only use it once a year! All you have to do is say '123' and it shall rise for as long as you wish!\" The guy then asks the witch doctor \"What happens when it's over?\" The witch doctor says \"all you have to say is '1234' and it will go down. But be warned it will not work again for a year!\" The guy goes home and that night he is ready to surprise his wife with the good news....... So, he is lying in bed with her and says \"123\", and suddenly he gets a massive erection. His wife turns over and says \"What did you say '123' for?" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Men", + "output": "Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cell phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands free speaker-function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen. MAN: \"Hello.\" WOMAN: \"Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?\" MAN: \"Yes\" WOMAN: \"I am at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?\" MAN: \"Sure, ...go ahead if you like it.\" WOMAN: \"I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2004 models. I saw one I really liked.\" MAN: \"How much?\" WOMAN: \"$60,000\" MAN: \"OK, but for that price I want it with all the options.\" WOMAN: \"Great! Oh, and one more thing...the house we wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $950,000.\" MAN: \"Well, then go ahead and give them an offer, but just offer $900,000.\" WOMAN: \"OK. I'll see you later! I love you! MAN: \"Bye, I love you, too.\" The man hangs up .The other men in the locker room are looking at him in astonishment. Then he asks: \"Anyone know who this phone belongs to?\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Medical", + "output": "A man was seen fleeing down the hall of the hospital just before his operation. \"What's the matter?\" he was asked. He said, \"I heard the nurse say, 'It's a very simple operation, don't worry, I'm sure it will be all right.\" \"She was just trying to comfort you, what's so frightening about that?\" \"She wasn't talking to me. She was talking to the doctor.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Men", + "output": "There was a lawyer and he was just waking up from anesthesia after surgery, and his wife was sitting by his side. His eyes fluttered open and he said, \"You're beautiful!\" and then he fell asleep again. His wife had never heard him say that so she stayed by his side. A couple minutes later his eyes fluttered open and he said \"You're cute!\" Well, the wife was dissapointed because instead of \"beautiful\" it was \"cute.\" She said \"What happened to 'beautiful'?\" His reply was \"The drugs are wearing off!\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Men", + "output": "Over breakfast one morning, a woman said to her husband, \"I bet you don't know what day this is.\" \"Of course I do,\" he indignantly answered, going out the door to the office. At 10 AM, the doorbell rang and when the woman opened the door, she was handed a box containing a dozen long stemmed red roses. At 1 PM, a foil wrapped, two pound box of her favorite chocolates arrived. Later, a boutique delivered a designer dress. The woman couldn't wait for her husband to come home. \"First the flowers, then the chocolates and then the dress!\" she exclaimed. \"I've never had a more wonderful Groundhog Day in my life!\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Men", + "output": "An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years.The Wizard says \"Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you.\"The old man says without hesitation, \"I now pronounce you man and wife.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Men", + "output": "Three convicts were on the way to prison. They were each allowed to take one item with them to help them occupy their time while incarcerated. On the bus, one turned to another and said, \"So, what did you bring?\" The second convict pulled out a box of paints and stated that he intended to paint anything he could. He wanted to become the \"Grandma Moses of Jail\". Then he asked the first, \"What did you bring?\" The first convict pulled out a deck of cards and grinned and said, \"I brought cards. I can play poker, solitaire and gin, and any number of games.\" The third convict was sitting quietly aside, grinning to himself. The other two took notice and asked, \"Why are you so smug? What did you bring?\" The guy pulled out a box of tampons and smiled. He said \"I brought these.\" The other two were puzzled and asked - \"What can you do with those?\" He grinned and pointed to the box and said - \"Well according to the box, I can go horseback riding, swimming, roller-skating\"..." + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Men", + "output": "A guy came into a bar one day and said to the barman \"Give me six double vodkas.\" The barman says \"Wow!, you must have had one hell of a day.\" \"Yes, I've just found out my older brother is gay.\" The next day the same guy came into the bar and asked for the same drinks. When the bartender asked what the problem was today, the answer came back, \"I've just found out that my younger brother is gay too!\" On the third day the guy came into the bar and ordered another six double vodkas. The bartender says \"Geez! Doesn't anybody in your family like women?\". \"Yeah, my wife...\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Men", + "output": "A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One day, their passions overcame them and they took off for her house, where they made passionate love all afternoon. Exhausted from the wild sex, they fell asleep, awakening around 8:00 pm. As the man threw on his clothes, he told the woman to take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass and dirt. Mystified, she nonetheless complied. He slipped into his shoes and drove home.\"Where have you been?\" demanded his wife when he entered the house.\"Darling, I can't lie to you. I've been having an affair with my secretary and we've been having sex all afternoon. I fell asleep and didn't wake up until eight o'clock.\"The wife glanced down at his shoes and said, \"You lying bastard! You've been playing golf!\"." + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Men", + "output": "An Amish boy and his father were visiting a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and back together again. The boy asked his father, \"What is this, Father?\" The father [never having seen an elevator] responded \"Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is.\"While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed, an old lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched small circles of lights with numbers above the walls light up. They continued to watch the circles light up in the reverse direction.The walls opened up again and a beautiful 24-year-old woman stepped out. The father said to his son, \"Go get your mother.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Men", + "output": "A man and a woman are riding next to each other in first class. The man sneezes and then starts screaming with extasy and pleasure. A few minutes pass. The man sneezes again, and again screams as if he had just had the best sexual intercourse of his life. The woman is about to go nuts.A few more minutes pass. The man sneezes yet again, and again is fully aroused. The woman has finally had enough. She turns to the man and says, \"Three times you've sneezed, and three times you've acted as if youv'e had great sex! What the hell kind of degenerate are you?\" The man replies, \"I am sorry to have disturbed you, ma'am. I have a very rare condition such that when I sneeze, I have an orgasm.\" The woman, now feeling badly, says, \"Oh, I'm sorry. What are you taking for it?\" The man looks at her and says, \"Pepper.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Men", + "output": "A man and a woman who have never met before find themselves in the same sleeping carriage of a train. After the initial embarrassment, they both manage to get to sleep; the woman on the top bunk, the man on the lower. In the middle of the night the woman leans over and says, \"I'm sorry to bother you, but I'm awfully cold and I was wondering if you could possibly pass me another blanket.\" The man leans out and, with a glint in his eye, says, \"I've got a better idea... let's pretend we're married.\" \"Why not,\" giggles the woman. \"Good,\" he replies. \"Get your own blanket.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Men", + "output": "A married couple is driving down the interstate doing 55 mph. The husband is behind the wheel. His wife looks over at him and says, \"Honey, I know we've been married for 15 years, but I want a divorce.\"The husband says nothing but slowly increases the speed to 60 mph.She then says, \"I don't want you to try to talk me out of it because I've been having an affair with your best friend, and he's a better lover than you.\"Again the husband stays quiet and just speeds up as his anger increases.She says, \"I want the house.\" Again the husband speeds up and he is now doing 70 mph.She says, \"I want the kids too.\" The husband just keeps driving faster and faster until he reaches 80 mph.She says, \"I want the car, the checking account and all the credit cards too.\" The husband slowly starts to veer toward a bridge overpass pillar, as she says, \"Is there anything you want?\"The husband says, \"No, I've got everything I need.\"She asks, \"What's that?\"The husband replies just before they hit the wall at 90 mph, \"I've got the airbag!\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Men", + "output": "A busy farmer needed some help with tending to the animals. His mother-in-law offered to spend some time on his farm, and being as busy as he was, the farmer had no choice but to accept her offer.A few days later, the farmer's mother-in-law was killed when his mule kicked her.Thousands of people from town who had heard about the death came to the poor lady's funeral, many that the farmer didn't even know. A minister noticed this, came up to the farmer, and asked him, \"Why are there so many people here?\"The farmer answered, \"Oh, they're not here for the funeral. They want to buy the mule.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Men", + "output": "A Frenchman and an Italian were seated next to an American on an overseas flight. After a few cocktails, the men began discussing their home lives. \"Last night I made love to my wife four times,\" the Frenchman bragged, \"And this morning she made me delicious crepes and she told me how much she adored me.\" \"Ah, last night I made love to my wife six times,\" the Italian responded, \"And this morning she made me a wonderful omelet and told me she could never love another man.\" When the American remained silent, the Frenchman smugly asked, \"And how many times did you make love to your wife last night?\" \"Once,\" he replied. \"Only once?\" the Italian arrogantly snorted. \"And what did she say to you this morning?\" \"Don't stop.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Medical", + "output": "A man returns from the doctor and tells his wife that the doctor has told him he has only 24 hours to live. Given this prognosis, the man asks his wife for sex. Naturally, she agrees, and they make love. About six hours later, the husband goes to his wife and says, \"Honey,you know I now have only 18 hours to live. Could we please do it one more time?\" Of course, the wife agrees, and they do it again.Later, as the man gets into bed, he looks at his watch and realizes that he now has only 8 hours left. He touches his wife shoulder, and asks, \"Honey, please...just one more time before die.\" She says, \"Of course, Dear,\" and they make love for the third time. After this session, the wife rolls over and falls asleep.The man, however, worried about his impending death, tosses and turns, until he's down to 4 more hours. He taps his wife, who rouses. \"Honey, I have only 4 more hours. Do you think we could...\" At this point the wife sits up and says,\"Listen, I have to get up in the morning. You don't!\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Men", + "output": "\"Honey,\" said this husband to his wife, \"I invited a friend home for supper.\" \"What? Are you crazy? The house is a mess, I didn't go shopping, all the dishes are dirty, and I don't feel like cooking a fancy meal!\" \"I know all that.\" \"Then why did you invite a friend for supper?\" \"Because the poor guy is thinking about getting married.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Men", + "output": "Two couples were playing cards. Jeff accidentally dropped some cards on the floor. When he bent down under the table to pick them up, he noticed that Dave's wife, Sandy, was not wearing any underwear! Shocked by this, Jeff hit his head on the table and emerged red-faced. Later when Jeff went to the kitchen to get some refreshments Sandy followed him and asked, \"Did you see anything under the table that you liked?\"Jeff admitted, \"Well, yes I did.\"She said \"you can have it, but it will cost you $100.\"After a minute or two, Jeff indicates that he is interested. She tells him that since Dave works Friday afternoons and Jeff doesn't, that Jeff should come to their house around 2:00 PM on Friday. Friday came and Jeff went to her house at 2:00 PM. After paying her the $100, they went to the bedroom, had sex for a few hours and then Jeff left. Dave came home about 6:00 PM and asked his wife, \"Did Jeff come by this afternoon?\"Totally shocked, Sandy replied, \"Yes, he did stop by for a few minutes.\"Next Dave asked, \"Did Jeff give you $100?\"Sandy thought, 'Oh hell, he knows!' Reluctantly she said, \"Yes, he did give me $100.\"\"Good,\" Dave says.\"Jeff came by the office this morning and borrowed the $100 from me and said that he'd stop by our house on his way home and pay me back. It's so good to have a friend you can trust.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Men", + "output": "A Chinese walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer.He tells the loan officer that he is going to Taiwan on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000. The bank officer tells him that the bank will need some form of security for the loan, so the Chinese hands over the keys to a new Ferrari parked on the street in front of the bank. He produces the title and everything checks out. The loan officer agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan. The bank's president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the Chinese for using a $250,000 Ferrari as collateral against a $5,000 loan. An employee of the bank then drives the Ferrari into the bank's underground garage and parks it there. Two weeks later, the Chinese returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41. The loan officer says, \"Sir, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multi-millionaire. What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?\" The Chinese replies: \"Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Men", + "output": "A guy gets home, runs into his house, slams the door and says, \"Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery!\".The wife says, \"Wow! That's great! I'm so happy! Should I pack for the ocean, or should I pack for the mountains?\"He says, \"I don't care. Just get the hell out!\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Men", + "output": "Everybody on earth dies and goes to heaven. God comes and says, \"I want the men to make two lines. One line for the men that dominated their women on earth and the other line for the men that were dominated by their women. Also, I want all the women to go with St. Peter.\"With that said and done, the next time God looked, the women are gone and there are two lines. The line of the men that were dominated by their women was 100 miles long, and in the line of men that dominated their women, there was only one man.God got mad and said, \"You men should be ashamed of yourselves. I created, you in my image and you were all whipped by your mates. Look at the only, one of my sons that stood up and made me proud. Learn from him! Tell them my son, how did you manage to be the only one in this line?\"And the man replied, \"I don't know, my wife told me to stand here.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Men", + "output": "A man was walking in the street when he heard a voice. \"Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step, a brick will fall down on your head and kill you.\" The man stopped and a big brick fell right in front of him. The man was astonished.He went on, and after awhile he was going to cross the road. Once again the voice shouted: \"Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step a car will run over you and you will die.\" The man did as he was instructed, just as a car came careening around the corner, barely missing him.\"Where are you?\" the man asked. \"Who are you?\"\"I am your guardian angel,\" the voice answered.\"Oh yeah?\" the man asked. \"And where the hell were you when I got married?\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Medical", + "output": "A guy falls asleep on the beach for several hours and gets a horrible sunburn. He goes to the hospital and is promptly admitted after being diagnosed in the emergency room with second-degree burns. He was already starting to blister and in agony. The doctor prescribed continuous intravenous feeding with saline and a sedative and a Viagra pill every four hours.The nurse, rather astounded, said, \"What good will Viagra do him?\"The doctor replied, \"It will keep the sheets off his legs.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Men", + "output": "After just a few years of marriage, filled with constant arguments, a young man and his wife decided the only way to save their marriage was to try counseling. They had been at each other's throat for some time and felt that this was their last straw. When they arrived at the counselor's office, the counselor jumped right in and opened the floor for discussion.\"What seems to be the problem?\"Immediately, the husband held his long face down without anything to say. On the other hand, the wife began talking 90 miles an hour describing all the wrongs within their marriage.After 5 - - 10 - - 15 minutes of listening to the wife, the counselor went over to her, picked her up by her shoulders, kissed her passionately for several minutes, and sat her back down.Afterwards, the wife sat there speechless.He looked over at the husband who was staring in disbelief at what had happened.The counselor spoke to the husband, \"Your wife NEEDS that at least twice a week!\"The husband scratched his head and replied, \"I can have her here on Tuesdays and Thursdays.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Medical", + "output": "A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman's face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny. So the husband offered to donate some of his own skin. However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his buttocks. The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter.After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before!All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty! One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice. She said, \"Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. There is no way I could ever repay you.\"\"My darling,\" he replied, \"think nothing of it. I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Men", + "output": "A man takes his wife to the live stock show. They start heading down the alley that houses all the bulls. The sign on the first bull's stall states: \"This bull mated 50 times last year.\" The wife turns to her husband and says, \"He mated 50 times in a year, isn't that nice!\" They proceed to the next bull and his sign stated: \"This bull mated 65 times last year.\" The wife turns to her husband and says, \"This one mated 65 times last year. That is over 5 times a month. You could learn from this one!\" They proceeded to the last bull and his sign said: \"This bull mated 365 times last year.\" The wife's mouth drops open and says, \"WOW! He mated 365 times last year. That is ONCE A DAY!!! You could really learn from this one.\" The fed up man turns to his wife and says, \"Go up and inquire if it was the same old cow every day.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Men", + "output": "A certain zoo had acquired a very rare species of gorilla. Within a few weeks, the female gorilla became very ornery, and difficult to handle. Upon examination, the zoo veterinarian determined the problem. The gorilla was in heat. To make matters worse, there were no male gorilla species available. While reflecting on their problem, the zoo administrators noticed Mike, an employee responsible for cleaning the animals' cages. Mike, it was rumored, possessed ample ability to satisfy any female, but he wasn't very bright. So, the zoo administrators thought they might have a solution. Mike was approached with a proposition: would he be willing to have sex with the gorilla for five hundred bucks? Mike showed some interest, but said he would have to think the matter over carefully. The following day, Mike announced that he would accept their offer, but only under three conditions. \"First,\" he said, \"I don't want to have to kiss her. Secondly, I want nothing to do with any offspring that may result from this union.\" The zoo administration quickly agreed to these conditions, so they asked what was his third condition. \"Well,\" said Mike, \"you've gotta give me another week to come up with the five hundred bucks.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Men", + "output": "man's business trip is cancelled and he is at home with a rather nervous wife. They go to bed, but about midnight, the phone rings.The man rolls over and answered...\"Hello?\"\"What?\"\"How the hell should I know, I live in Phoenix.\"He hangs up and his wife asks, \"Who was it dear?\"\"Just some idiot who wanted to know if the coast was clear!\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Men", + "output": "A couple has been married for many years, and one day the man tells his wife that he wishes she had bigger breasts.\"but how am I going to get bigger breasts?\" she asks.\"That's simple\", he says, \"just rub your breasts with toilet paper every day\".\"And that would do it?\", the surprised wife wonders.\"Well,\", answers the husband, \"it sure did work on your behind!\"." + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Medical", + "output": "An eldarly couple go to the Doctor. The man complains that when they have sex, the first time is OK but during the second time he sweats like a pig. The Doctor asks the wife if she has any idea why her husbands sweats like that. \"That's obvious\", she answers. \"The first time we have sex is in the winter, the second time is in the summer\"." + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Men", + "output": "Two guys were talking at work. \"I've got a problem,\" said the first one. \"What is it?\"\"My wife has done it to me again. I'm supposed to buy my mother-in-law a present for her birthday, from the two of us. And I am fresh out of ideas. I mean it's HER mother, why can't she buy it?\"\"What did you buy her last year?\" the other one asked.\"Last year I bought her a VERY EXPENSIVE cemetery plot.\" \"Hmmmm, hard to top that one,\" said the other.The two guys couldn't come up with anything. So the son-in-law didn't buy his mother-in-law anything for her birthday. When the big day arrived the next weekend, she was a bit upset. At the family gathering for her birthday, she announced out loud to everyone, \"Thank you all for the wonderful gifts. Too bad my daughter and son-in-law weren't so thoughtful!\"Thinking quickly, the son-in-law responded, \"Well, you haven't used the gift I gave you last year!\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Men", + "output": "In days of old, when knights were bold, this particular knight was leaving for a crusade and called one of his squires, \"I'm leaving for the crusade. Here is the key to my wife's chastity belt. If, in 10 years, I haven't returned, you may use the key as I'm sure she will have needs\". The knight sets out on the dusty road, armored from head to toe. He takes one last look at his castle and sees the squire rushing across the drawbridge, yelling, \"Stop! Stop! Thank goodness I was able to catch you. This is the wrong key\"." + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Men", + "output": "Three couples went in to see the minister to see how to become members of his church. The minister said that they would have to go without sex for two weeks and then come back and tell him how it went. The first couple was retired, the second couple was middle aged and the final couple was newlywed. Two weeks went by, and the couples returned to the minister. The retired couple said it was no problem at all. The middle-aged couple said it was tough for the first week, but after that, it was no problem. The newlyweds said it was fine until she dropped the can of paint. ''Can of PAINT!'' exclaimed the minister. ''Yeah,'' said the newlywed man. ''She dropped the can and when she bent over to pick it up I had to have her right there and then. Lust took over.'' The minister just shook his head and said that they were not welcome in the church.''That's okay,'' said the man. ''We're not welcome in Home Depot either.''" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Men", + "output": "A young couple, just married, were in their honeymoon suite on their wedding night. As Emma undressed for bed, the husband (who was a burly bruiser) tossed his pants to his bride and said, \"Here, put these on.\" She put them on and the waist was twice the size of her body. \"I can't wear your pants\", she said. \"That's right!\", said the husband, \"and don't you ever forget it. I'm the man who wears the pants in this family!\"With that, she flipped him her panties and said, \"Try these on.\" He tried them on, and found he could only get them on as far as his kneecap. He said, \"Hell, I can't get into your panties!\" She said, \"That's right and that's the way it's going to be until your stupid attitude changes!\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Bar Jokes", + "output": "Every night after dinner, Harry took off for the local watering hole. He would spend the whole evening there and always arrive home, well inebriated, around midnight each night. He usually had trouble getting his key to fit the keyhole and couldn't get the door open. And, every time this happened, his wife would go to the door and let him in. Then, she would proceed to yell and scream at him for his constant nights out and coming home in a drunken state. But, Harry still continued his nightly routine. One day, the distraught wife was talking to a friend about her husband's behavior. The friend listened and suggested, \"Why don't you treat him a little differently when he comes home? Instead of berating him, why don't you give him some loving words and welcome him home with a kiss? Then, he might change his ways.\" The wife thought that this might be a good idea. That night, Harry took off again after dinner. And, at about midnight, he arrived home in his usual condition. His wife heard him at the door. She quickly opened it and let Harry in. Instead of berating him as she had always done, this time she took his arm and led him into the living room. She sat Harry down in an easy chair, put his feet up on the foot stool, and took his shoes off. Then, she went behind him and started to cuddle him a little. After a short while, she whispered to Harry, \"It's pretty late, dear. I think we should go upstairs to bed now, don't you think?\" Harry replied in his inebriated state, \"Heck, I guess we might as well. I'll get in trouble when I get home anyway!\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Medical", + "output": "An old man goes to the doctor for his yearly physical, his wife tagging along. When the doctor enters the examination room, he tells the old man, \"I need a urine sample, a stool sample and a sperm sample.\"The old man, being hard of hearing, looks at his wife and yells: \"WHAT?\"\"What did he say? What's he want?\"His wife yells back, \"He needs your underwear.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Men", + "output": "A man is at work one day when he notices that his co-worker, Morris is wearing an earring. This man knows his co-worker to be a normally conservative fellow, and is curious about his sudden change in \"fashion sense.\" The man walks up to him and says, \"I didn't know you were into earrings.\" \"Don't make such a big deal, it's only an earring.\" Morris replies sheepishly. \"So, really? How long have you been wearing one?\" \"Ever since my wife found it in our bed.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Men", + "output": "A married woman was having a passionate affair with an inspector from a pest-control company. One afternoon they were carrying on in the bedroom together when her husband arrived home unexpectedly.\"Quick,\" said the woman to her lover, \"into the closet!\" She pushed him into the closet stark naked.The husband, however, became suspicious and after a search of the bedroom discovered the man in the closet. \"Who are you?\" he asked him.\"I'm an inspector from Bugs-B-Gone,\" said the exterminator.\"What are you doing in there?\" the husband asked.\"I'm investigating a complaint about an infestation of moths,\" the man replied.\"And where are your clothes?\" asked the husband.The man looked down at himself and said, ......\"Well those Little bastards!\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Men", + "output": "Top 10 Things Not To Say To A Naked Man... ------------------------------------ 1 This explains your car. 2 I never saw one like that before. 3 But it still works, right? 4 Are you cold? 5 I guess this makes me the early bird. 6 Ahhhh, it's cute. 7 Can I be honest with you? 8 Maybe it looks better in natural light. 9 Will it squeak if I squeeze it? 10 Why don't we skip right to the cigarettes?" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Men", + "output": "An 85 year old couple, having been married almost 60 years, had died in a car crash. They had been in good health the last ten years mainly due to her interest in health food, and exercise. When they reached the pearly gates, St. Peter took them to their mansion which was decked out with a beautiful kitchen and master bath suite and Jacuzzi. As they \"oohed and aahed\" the old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost.\"It's free,\" Peter replied, \"this is Heaven.\"Next they went out back to survey the championship golf course that the home backed up to. They would have golfing privileges everyday and each week the course changed to a new one representing the great golf courses on earth. The old man asked, \"what are the green fees?\"Peter's reply, \"This is heaven, you play for free.\"Next they went to the club house and saw the lavish buffet lunch with the cuisine's of the world laid out.\"How much to eat?\" asked the old man. \"Don't you understand yet? This is heaven, it is free!\" Peter replied with some exasperation.\"Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol tables?\" the old man asked timidly.Peter lectured, \"That's the best part . . . you can eat as much as you like of whatever you like and you never get fat and you never get sick. This is Heaven.\"With that the old man went into a fit of anger, throwing down his hat and stomping on it, and shrieking wildly.Peter and his wife both tried to calm him down, asking him what was wrong.The old man looked at his wife and said, \"This is all your fault. If it weren't for your bran muffins, I could have been here ten years ago!\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Medical", + "output": "A concerned husband went to a doctor to talk about his wife. He says to the doctor, \"Doctor, I think my wife is deaf because she never hears me the first time and always asks me to repeat things.\" \"Well,\" the doctor replied, \"go home and tonight stand about 15 feet from her and say something to her. If she doesn't reply move about 5 feet close and say itagain. Keep doing this so that we'll get an idea about the severity of her deafness\". Sure enough, the husband goes home and does exactly as instructed. He starts off about 15 feet from his wife in the kitchen as she is chopping some vegetables and says, \"Honey, what's for dinner?\" He hears no response. He moves about 5 feet closer and asks again. No reply. He moves 5 feet closer. Still no reply. He gets fed up and moves right behind her, about an inch away, and asks again, \"Honey, what's for dinner?\" She replies, \"For the fourth time, vegetable stew!\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Medical", + "output": "Doc, you've gotta help me... my wife just isn't interested in sex anymore. Haven't you got a pill or something I can give her?\"\"Look, I can't prescribe...\"\"Doc, we've been friends for years. Have you ever seen me this upset? I am desperate! I can't think; I can't concentrate; my life is going utterlyto Hell! You've got to help me.\"The doctor opens his desk drawer and removes a small bottle of pills. \"Ordinarily, I wouldn't do this. These are experimental, the tests so far indicate that they're VERY powerful. Don't give her more than ONE, understand? JUST one.\"\"I don't know, doc; she's awfully cold...\" \"One. No more. In her coffee. Okay?\"\"Um... okay.\"Our hero expresses gratitude, and departs for home, where his wife hasdinner waiting. When dinner is finished, she goes to the kitchen to bring dessert. Our hero, in fumbling haste, pulls the pills from his pocket and drops one into his wife's coffee. He reflects for a moment, hesitates, then drops in a second pill. And then he begins to worry. The doctor did say they were powerful. Then an inspiration strikes: he drops one pill into his own coffee.His wife returns with the shortcake, and they enjoy their dessert and coffee, our hero with poorly concealed anticipation. Sure enough, a few minutes after they finish, his wife shudders a little, sighs deeply and heavily, and a strange smoky look enters her eyes. In a deep, throaty, near-whisper, in a tone of voice he has never heard her use before, she says, \"I... need...a man...\"His eyes glitter and his hands tremble as he replies, \"Me... too..\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Men", + "output": "It was a hot summer day, and the old courthouse was just as hot. The air was thick and humid, and the jury was having a hard time staying focused. One of the jurors succumbed to the heat, falling asleep just as the victim was being questioned by the prosecutor. \"The defendant is accused of making obscene phone calls to your home. Would you please tell the jury precisely what the defendant said when he called you,\" asked the prosecutor. \"I can't do that,\" the victim replied. \"It was so crude and disgusting. I can't use language like that.\" \"Would it help to just write it down?\" The victim wrote out every detail of what the obscene caller had said, and passed the note to the judge. The judge read the note. It was then passed to the prosecutor, the defense attorney, and finally to the jury. The sleeping juror was seated at the back corner of the jury box, and was the last to receive the note. He was awoken with a nudge from an attractive young juror, seated next to him, and she passed him the note. He read it, gazed in awe at the woman, and read it again. He turned to her, smiling broadly, and winked. He then put the note into his pocket. The judge demanded, \"Please pass that note to the bailiff.\" \"But your honor,\" the juror protested, \"It's a private matter.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Men", + "output": "Mr. Benton thought he had had the last word when he presented his ex-wife with an unusual gift for her birthday. A tombstone on which he had carved, \"Here lies my ex-wife Sonja.....cold as usual.\" Much to his surprise, however, his wife one-upped him for his birthday with a tombstone of his own on which she'd had carved, \"Here lies my ex-husband Bennett.....stiff at last.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Men", + "output": "A man placed some flowers on the grave of his dearly departed mother and started back toward his car when his attention was diverted to another man kneeling at a grave. The man seemed to be praying with profound intensity and kept repeating, \"Why did you have to die? Why did you have to die?\"The first man approached him and said, \"Sir, I don't wish to interfere with your private grief, but this demonstration of pain is more than I've ever seen before. For whom do you mourn so deeply? A child? A parent?\"The mourner took a moment to collect himself, then replied, \"My wife's first husband.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Men", + "output": "A pirate walked into a bar and the bartender said, \"Hey, I haven't seenyou in a while. What happened? You look terrible.\"\"What do you mean?\" said the pirate, \"I feel fine.\"\"What about the wooden leg? You didn't have that before.\"\"Well, we were in a battle and I got hit with a cannon ball, but I'm finenow.\"\"Well, ok, but what about that hook? \"What happened to your hand?\"\"We were in another battle. I boarded a ship and got into a sword fight.My hand was cut off. I got fitted with a hook. I'm fine, really.\"\"What about that eye patch?\"\"Oh, one day we were at sea and a flock of birds flew over. I looked upand one of them S*#t in my eye.\"\"You're kidding,\" said the bartender, \"you couldn't lose an eyejust from some bird S*%t.\"\"It was my first day with the hook.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Bar Jokes", + "output": "The Policeman had stopped the man for obvious drunken driving, but since the guy had a clean record, he made him park the car and took him home in the patrol car. \"Are you sure this is your house?\" the cop asked as they drove into a rather fashionable neighborhood. \"Shertainly!\" said the drunk, \"and if you'll just open the door f'me, I can prove it to ya.\" Entering the living room, he said, \"You shee that piano? Thash mine. You shee that giant television set? Thast mine too. Now follow me.\" The police officer followed the man as he shakily negotiated the stairs to the second floor. The drunk pushed open the first door they came to. \"Thish ish my bedroom,\" he announced. \"Shee the bed there? Thast mine! Shee that woman lying in the bed? Thash my wife. An' see that guy lying next to her? \"Yeah?\" the cop replied suspiciously. Beginning at this point to seriously doubt the man's story. \"Well, thash me!\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Men", + "output": "These three married couples died and when they got to the pearly gates. St.Peter told the first husband, \"I can't let you in. You let alcohol run your life. You even married a girl named Sherry.\" Dejected, he turned and walked away. The next married couple stepped up, and St.Peter told the husband, \"Can't let you in sir. While you were on earth, you allowed money to run your life. You even married a girl named Penny.\" The guy hung his head, turned and walked away. The husband of the third couple waiting in line, overheard both conversations and said, \"Come on, Fanny, he's not going to let us in either.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Men", + "output": "One man explaining to another why he fired his secretary: \"Two weeks ago,\" I said, \"was my forty-fifth birthday and I wasn't feeling too hot that morning anyway. I went into the kitchen for breakfast knowing that my wife would be pleasant and say 'Happy Birthday' and probably have a present for me. She didn't even say 'Good Morning' let alone say 'Happy Birthday'. \"I said to myself Well that's wives for you. The children will remember.' But the children came into breakfast and didn't say a word. And when I started to the office, I was feeling pretty low and despondent. As I walked into my office, Janet said 'Good Morning, Boss-Happy Birthday' and I felt a little bit better that someone had remembered. I worked until noon. About noon, Janet knocked on my door and said, You know it's such a beautiful day outside and it is your birthday, so let's go to lunch, just you and I.' I said, 'By George, that is the greatest thing I have heard all day. Let's go.' \"We went to lunch. We didn't go where we normally go, we went out into the country to a private place. We had two Martinis and enjoyed lunch tremendously. \"On the way back to the office, she said, 'You know, it's such a beautiful day we don't need to go back to the office, do we?' I said, 'No, I guess not.' \"She said, 'Let's go by my apartment, and I'll fix you another Martini.' \"We went to her apartment. We enjoyed another Martini and smoked a cigarette and she said, 'Boss, if you don't mind, I think I'll go into the bedroom and slip into something more comfortable' and I allowed her as I didn't mind at all. \"She went into the bedroom and in about six minutes she came out of the bedroom carrying a big birthday cake followed by my wife and children. All were singing 'Happy Birthday' and there I sat with nothing on but my socks.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Men", + "output": "Pierre, a brave French fighter pilot, takes his girlfriend, Marie, out on a pleasant little picnic by the River Seine. It's a beautiful day and love is in the air. Marie leans over to Pierre and says: \"Pierre, kiss me!\" Our hero grabs a bottle of Merlot and splashes it on Marie's lips. \"What are you doing, Pierre?\", says the startled Marie. \"I am Pierre, the fighter pilot! When I have red meat, I like to have red wine!\" She smiles and they start kissing. When things began to heat up a little, Marie says, \"Pierre, kiss me lower.\" Our hero tears her blouse open, grabs a bottle of Chardonnay and starts pouring it all over her breasts. \"Pierre! What are you doing?\", asks the bewildered Marie. \"I am Pierre, the fighter pilot! When I have white meat, I like to have white wine!\" They resume their passionate interlude and things really steam up. Marie leans close to his ear and whispers, \"Pierre, kiss me lower!\" Our hero rips off her underwear, grabs a bottle of Cognac and pours it in her lap. He then strikes a match and lights it on fire. Marie shrieks and dives into the river. Standing waist deep, Marie throws her arms upwards and screams furiously, \"PIERRE, WHAT IN THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING?\" Our hero stands up, defiantly, and says, \"I am Pierre, the fighter pilot! When I go down, I go down in flames!\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Men", + "output": "A man is out shopping and discovers a new brand of Olympic condoms. Clearly impressed, he buys a pack. Upon getting home, he announces to his wife the purchase he just made. \"Olympic condoms?\", she blurts, \"What makes them so special?\" \"There are three colors,\" he replies, \"Gold, Silver and Bronze.\" \"What color are you going to wear tonight?\", she asks cheekily. \"Gold of course,\" says the man proudly. The wife responds, \"Why don't you wear Silver, it would be nice if you came second for a change!\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Bar Jokes", + "output": "\"Get this.\" said the English bloke to his mates, \"Last night while I was down the pub with you guys, a burglar broke into my house.\"Did he get anything?\" his mates asked.\"yeah, a broken jaw, six teeth knocked out, and a pair of broken nuts. The wife thought it was me coming home drunk.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Men", + "output": "Dan married one of a pair of identical twin girls. Less than a year later, he was in court filing for a divorce.\"OK,\" the judge said, \"Tell the court why you want a divorce.\"\"Well, your honor,\" Dan started, \"Every once in a while my sister in law would come over for a visit, and because she and my wife are so identical looking, every once in a while I`d end up making love to her by mistake.\"\"Surely there must be some difference between the two women.\" the judge said.\"You`d better believe there is a difference, your honor. That`s why I want the divorce.\" he replied." + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Men", + "output": "A funeral service is being held for a woman who has just passed away. At the end of the service the pallbearers are carrying the casket out when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket. They hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive! She lives for ten more years, and then finally dies. A ceremony is again held at the same place, and at the end of the ceremony the pallbearers are again carrying out the casket. As they are walking, the husband cries out, \"Watch the wall!\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Men", + "output": "A geezer walks up to a beautiful woman in a shopping mall. \"Excuse me\" he says \"But I've lost my wife here somewhere and I can't find her. Could you please help me?\" \"What do you need me to do?\" asks the woman. \"Just stand here and talk to me\" the man replies. \"How's that going to help?\" she asks. \"No idea really...but every time I talk to a woman with hooters like yours, my wife appears out of nowhere!!\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Men", + "output": "A man phones home from his office and tells his wife: \"Something has just come up. I have a chance to go fishing for a week. It's the opportunity of a lifetime. We leave right away. So pack my clothes, my fishing equipment, and especially my blue silk pajamas. I'll be home in an hour to pick them up.\"He goes home in a hurry and grabs everything and rushes off.A week later he returns. His wife asks, \"Did you have a good trip, dear?\" He says, \"Oh yes, great! But you forgot to pack my blue silk pajamas.\"His wife smiles and says, \"Oh no, I didn't. I put them in your tackle box!\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Men", + "output": "Pinocchio had just finished having sex with his girlfriend, and he asked her, \"So ... how was I?\" She said, \"Well, Pinocchio ... I hate to say this, but when we have sex, you give me splinters!\" Pinocchio was devastated. He went running to Gepetto, crying, \"My girlfriend says that when we have sex, I give her splinters! Is there anything you can do?\"Gepetto says, \"What you need, my boy, is a piece of sandpaper. Use this once a day, and that'll solve the problem.\"About a month later, Gepetto ran into Pinocchio on the street. \"How was that sandpaper I gave you?\" He asked. \"Are you still having problems with the girls?\"\"Girls?\" Pinocchio asked. \"Who needs girls?\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Men", + "output": "John receives a phone call. \"Hello,\" he answers. The voice on the other end says, \"This is Susan. We met at a party about 3 months ago.\" John: \"Hmm... Susan? About 3 months ago?\" Susan: \"Yes, it was at Bill's house. After the party you took me home. On the way we parked and got into the back seat. You told me I was a good sport.\" John: \"Oh, yeah! Susan! How are you?\" Susan: \"I'm pregnant and I'm going to kill myself.\" John: \"Say, you ARE a good sport.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Men", + "output": "A Bible study group was discussing the unforeseen possibility of their sudden death. The leader of the discussion said, \" We will all die some day, and none of us really know when, but if we did we would all do a better job of preparing ourselves for that inevitable event.\"\"Everybody shook their heads in agreement with this comment.\"Then the leader said to the group, \"What would you do if you knew youonly had 4 weeks of life remaining before your death, and then the Great Judgment Day?\"A gentleman said, \" I would go out into my community and minister the Gospel to those that have not yet accepted the Lord into their lives.\"\"Very good!\" ,said the group leader, and all the group members agreed, that would be a very good thing to do.One lady spoke up and said enthusiastically, \"I would dedicate all of my remaining time to serving God, my family, my church, and my fellow man with a greater conviction.\"\"That\"s wonderful!\" the group leader commented, and all the group members agreed, that would be a very good thing to do.But one gentleman in the back finally spoke up loudly and said, \"I would go to my mother-in-laws house for the 4 weeks.\"Everyone was puzzled by this answer, and the group leader ask, \"Why your mother-in-law's home?\"\"Because that will make it the longest 4 weeks of my life!\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Men", + "output": "A man enters a restaurant and while sitting at his table, notices a gorgeous woman sitting at another table, alone. He calls the waiter over and asks for the most expensive bottle of champagne to be sent over to her knowing that if she accepts it, she is his.The waiter gets the bottle and quickly sends it over to the girl, saying this is from the gentleman. She looks at the champagne and decides to send a note to the man. The note read: \"For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, $1 million in liquid assets, and 7 inches in your pants.\"Well, the man, after reading this note, sends one of his own back to her and it read: \"Just so you know -- I happen to have TWO Mercedes in my garage, I have well over $2 million in assets, but not even for YOU, would I cut off 2 inches! Send the bottle back.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Men", + "output": "A guy walked up to a beautiful young woman in a bar. \"Do you mind if I ask you a personal question?\" he said to her.\"I don't know,\" replied the beautiful young woman. \"It depends how personal it is.\"\"OK,\" the guy said. \"How many men have you slept with?\"\"I'm not going to tell you that!\" the woman exclaimed. \"That's my business!\"\"Sorry,\" said the guy, \"I didn't realize you made a living out of it.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Men", + "output": "Jenny's husband, Charley, was a male chauvinist. Even though they both worked full-time, he never helped around the house. Housework was woman's work! But one evening Jenny arrived home from work to find the children bathed, one load of clothes in the washer and another in the dryer, dinner on the stove, and the table set. She was astonished--something's up.It turns out that Charley had read an article that said wives who worked full-time and had to do their own housework were too tired to have sex. The night went well and the next day she told her office friends all about it.\"We had a great dinner. Charley even cleaned up. He helped the kids do their homework, folded all the laundry and put everything away. I really enjoyed the evening.\"\"But what about afterward?\" asked her friends.\"Oh, that was perfect too. Charley was too tired!\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Men", + "output": "This couple was dining out when the wife noticed a familiar face at the bar. \"Elliot,\" she said, pointing \"do you see that man downing bourbon at the bar?\"The husband looked over and nodded.\"Well,\" the woman continued, \"he's been drinking like that for 10 years, ever since I jilted him!\"The husband returned to his meal. \"Nonsense,\" he said, \"even that's not worth so much celebrating!\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Men", + "output": "A boy and his date were parked on a back road some distance from town, doing what boys and girls do on back roads some distance from town. Abruptly, the girl stopped the boy dead in his tracks. \"I really should have mentioned this earlier, but I'm actually a hooker and I charge $20 for sex.\" The boy reluctantly paid her, and they did their thing. After the obligatory cigarette, the boy sat in the driver's seat, staring out the window. \"Why aren't we going anywhere?\" asked the girl. \"Well, I should have mentioned this before, but I'm actually a taxi driver, and the fare back to town is $25.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Men", + "output": "A man was walking down the street when he noticed his grandpa sitting on the porch, in the rocking chair, with nothing on from the waist down. \"Grandpa, what are you doing?\" he exclaimed. The old man looked off in the distance and did not answer him. \"Grandpa, what are you doing sitting out here with nothing on below the waist?\" he asked again. The old man looked at him and said, \"Well, last week I sat out here with no shirt on, and I got a stiff neck. This was your Grandma's idea!\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Men", + "output": "A man was walking along the street when he saw a ladder going into the clouds. As any of us would do, he climbed the ladder. He reached a cloud, upon which sat a rather plump and very ugly woman. \"Screw me or climb the ladder to success,\" she said. No contest, thought the man, so he climbed the ladder to the next cloud. On this cloud was a slightly thinner woman, who was slightly easier on the eye. \"Screw me or climb the ladder to success,\" she said. \"Well,\" thought the man, \"might as well carry on.\" On the next cloud was an even more attractive lady who, this time, was quite attractive. \"Screw me now or climb the ladder to success,\" she uttered. As he turned her down and went on up the ladder, the man thought to himself that this was getting better the further he went. On the next cloud was an absolute beauty. Slim, attractive, the lot. \"Screw me here and now or climb the ladder to success,\" she flirted. Unable to imagine what could be waiting, and being a gambling man, he decided to climb again. When he reached the next cloud, there was a 400 pound ugly man, arm pit hair showing, flies buzzing around his head. \"Who are you?\" the man asked. \"Hello\" said the ugly fat man, \"I'm Cess!\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Men", + "output": "A guy is stranded on an island with only a Doberman and a pig for company. There's plenty of food and water, and the weather is beautiful, so he's doing alright - but after a few months he gets lonely... The pig starts to look more and more attractive - soft, pink flesh, round buttocks, etc. But every time this poor guy makes an advance towards the pig, the Doberman snarls at him and once almost bit his leg. Very frustrating. One day the guy sees a speck on the horizon, so he swims out there and it turns out to be a dinghy, cast adrift, and in the bottom of the boat is a beautiful woman, unconscious. He drags her to shore and brings her into his hut and slowly nurses her back health. Finally she is well enough to walk and she says to him \"Thank you, thank you for saving my life. I don't know how I can ever repay you. I'll do anything for you, anything, just name it.\" The guy thinks for a minute and says, \"Would you mind taking my dog for a walk?\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Medical", + "output": "Stanley, an 80-year-old man is having his annual checkup. The doctor asks him how he's feeling. \"I've never been better,\" he replies. \"I've got a twenty-two- year-old bride who's pregnant with my child! What do you think about that?\" The doctor considers this for a moment, then says, \"Well, let me tell you a story. I know a guy who's an avid hunter. He never misses a season. But, one day he's in a bit of a hurry and he accidentally grabs his umbrella instead of his gun. So he's walking in the woods near a creek and suddenly spots a beaver in some brush in front of him? He raises up his umbrella, points it at the beaver and squeezes the handle... *BAM* The beaver drops dead in front of him.\" \"That's impossible!\" said the old man in disbelief, \"Someone else must have shot that beaver.\" \"EXACTLY!\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Men", + "output": "An old man was on the beach and walked up to a beautiful girl in a bikini -\"I want to feel your breasts\" he exclaimed.\"Get away from me, you crazy old man\" she replied.\"I want to feel your breasts, I will give you twenty dollars,\" he says.\"Twenty dollars, are you nuts!? Get away from me!\"\"I want to feel your breasts, I will give you ONE HUNDRED DOLLARS\" he stated.\"NO! Get away from me!\"\"TWO HUNDRED DOLLARS\" he offered.She paused to think about it, but then comes to her senses and said, \"I said NO!\"\"FIVE HUNDRED DOLLARS if you let me feel your breasts,\" he claimed.She thought, well he is old, and he seems harmless enough...and $500 IS a lot of money....\"Well, OK...but only for a minute.\"She loosened her bikini top and while both are standing there on the beach, he slid his hands underneath and began to feel... then he started saying, \"OH MY GOD...OH MY GOD...OH MY GOD...\" while he was caressing them.Out of curiosity, she asked him, \"Why do you keep saying, 'Oh my god, oh my god'?\"While continuing to feel her breasts he answered, \"OH MY GOD...OH MY GOD...OH MY GOD...OH MY GOD, where am I ever going to get five hundred dollars?" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Men", + "output": "A man walks into a drug store with his 8-year-old son. They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks, \"What are these, Dad?\" The man matter-of-factly replies, \"Those are called condoms, son. Men use them to have safe sex.\" \"Oh I see,\" replied the boys pensively. \"Yes, I've heard of that in health class at school.\" He looks over the display and picks up a package of three and asks, \"Why are there three in this package.\" The dad replies, \"Those are for high-school boys. One for Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday.\" \"Cool!\" says the boy. He notices a pack of six and asks \"Then who are these for?\" \"Those are for college men,\" the dad answers, \"Two for Friday, two for Saturday, and two for Sunday.\" \"WOW!\" exclaimed the boy. \"Then who uses these?\" he asks, picking up a 12-pack. With a sigh, the dad replied, \"Those are for married men. One for January, one for February, one for March.\" one for March.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Men", + "output": "A guy goes over to his friend's house, rings the bell, and the wife answers. \" Hi, is Tony home?\" \" No, he went to the store.\" \"Well, you mind if I wait?\" \" No, come in.\" They sit down and the friend says \"You know Nora, you have the greatest breasts I have ever seen. I'd give you a hundred bucks if I could just see one.\" Nora thinks about this for a second and figures what the hell - a hundred bucks. She opens her robe and shows one. He promptly thanks her and throws a hundred bucks on the table. They sit there a while longer and Chris says \"They are so beautiful I've got to see the both of them. I'll give you another hundred bucks if I could just see the both of them together.\" Nora thinks about this and thinks what the hell, opens her robe, and gives Chris a nice long look. Chris thanks her, throws another hundred bucks on the table, and then says he can't wait any longer and leaves. A while later Tony arrives home and his wife says \"You know, your weird friend Chris came over. \" Tony thinks about this for a second and says \"Well did he drop off the 200 bucks he owes me?\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Men", + "output": "A wife comes home after a shopping trip, and she's horrified to see her husband in bed with a young woman. She's about to storm out of the house, and the husband says \"But I can explain, dear. As I was driving home I saw this poor and tired-looking creature standing by the road, so I offered her a ride. She said she was hungry, so I brought her to our home and fed her some of your leftover pot roast. Her shoes were completely worn out, so I gave her a pair of yours that you don't wear because they're out of style. She was cold, so I gave her your new birthday sweater you never wear because you say the color doesn't suit you. Her slacks were tattered, so I gave her a pair of yours that don't fit you anymore. Then, just as she was about to leave our house, she stopped and asked me, 'Is there anything else your wife no longer uses?'" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Food Jokes", + "output": "A man was asked to dinner by one of his friends, who he knew was an unkempt housekeeper. When he sat down at the table, he noticed that the dishes were the dirtiest that he had ever seen in his life. \"Were these dishes ever washed?\" he asked his hostess, running his fingers over the grit and grime. She replied, \"They're as clean as soap and water could get them.\" He felt a bit apprehensive, but started eating anyway. It was really delicious and he said so, despite the dirty dishes. When dinner was over, the hostess took the dishes outside, put them on the ground, and yelled, \"Here Soap! Here Water! Come here boys!!\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Men", + "output": "A 60 year old woman came home one day and heard strange noises in her bedroom. She opened the door and discovered her 40 year old daughter playing with her vibrator. \"What are you doing?\" asked the mom. \"Mom, I am 40 years old and look at me. I am ugly. I will never get married so this is pretty much my husband.\" The mother walked out of the room, shaking her head. The next day the father came home and heard noises in the bedroom and upon entering the room found his daughter using the vibrator. \"What the hell are you doing?\" he asked. His daughter replied, \"I already told mom, I am 40 years old now and ugly. I will never get married so this is as close as I'll ever get to a husband.\" The father walked out of the room shaking his head too. The next day the mother came home to find her husband with a beer in one hand, and the vibrator in the other hand, watching the football game. \"For Christsakes, what are you doing?\" she cried. The husband replied \"What does it look like I'm doing? I'm having a beer and watching the game with my new son-in-law!\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Men", + "output": "Bob and Jane were married 25 years. When they first got married Bob said, \"I am putting a box under the bed. You must promise never to look in it.\" In all their 25 years of marriage Jane never looked. However, on the afternoon of their 25th anniversary curiosity got the best of her and she lifted the lid and peeked inside. In the box were 3 empty beer cans and $1371.75 in cash. She closed the box and put it back under the bed. Now that she knew what was in the box, she was doubly curious as to why. That evening they were out for a special dinner. After dinner Jane could no longer contain her curiosity and she confessed, saying, \"I am so sorry. For all these years I kept my promise and never looked into the box under our bed. However today the temptation was too much and I gave in. But now I need to know why do you keep the empty cans in the box?\" Bob thought for a while and said, \"I guess after all these years you deserve to know the truth. Whenever I was unfaithful to you I put an empty beer can in the box under the bed to remind myself not to do it again.\" Jane was shocked, but said, \"I am very disappointed and saddened but I guess after all those years away from home on the road, temptation does happen and I guess that 3 times is not that bad considering the years.\" They hugged and made their peace. A little while later Jane asked Bob, \"Why do you have all that money in the box?\" Bob answered, \"Whenever the box filled with empties, I cashed them in.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Crazy Jokes", + "output": "Three guys were working on a high rise building project: Steve, Bill and Charlie. Steve falls off and is killed instantly. As the ambulance takes the body away, Charlie says, \"Someone should go and tell his wife.\" Bill says, \"OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it.\" 2 hours later, he comes back carrying a 6-pack. Charlie says, \"Where did you get that, Bill?\" \"Steve's wife gave it to me.\" \"That`s unbelievable, you told the lady her husband was dead and she gave you the beer?\" Bill says,\"Well not exactly. When she answered the door, I said to her,'You must be Steve's widow.'\" She said, \"No, I'm not a widow.\" And I said, \"Wanna bet me a six-pack?\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Men", + "output": "A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes and bows in prayer. His friend says, \"Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man.\" The man then replies, \"Yeah, well we were married 35 years.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Men", + "output": "A young wife, her boorish husband and a young good looking sailor were shipwrecked on an island. One morning, the sailor climbed a tall coconut tree and yelled, \"Stop making love down there!\" \"What's the matter with you?\" the husband said when the sailor climbed down. '\"We weren't making love.\" \"Sorry,\" said the sailor, \"From up there it looked like you were.\" Every morning thereafter, the sailor scaled the same tree and yelled the same thing. Finally the husband decided to climb the tree and see for himself. With great difficulty, he made his way to the top. The husband says to himself, \"By golly he's right! It DOES look like they're making love down there!\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Men", + "output": "A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway when he notices a sign out of the corner of his eye. It reads: SISTERS OF ST. FRANCISHOUSE OF PROSTITUTION10 MILESHe thinks it was just a figment of his imagination and drives on without a second thought. Soon he sees another sign which says:SISTERS OF ST. FRANCISHOUSE OF PROSTITUTION5 MILESSuddenly, he begins to realize that these signs are for real. Then he drives past a third sign saying:SISTERS OF ST, FRANCISHOUSE OF PROSTITUTIONNEXT RIGHTHis curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive. On the far side of the parking lot is a somber stone building with a small sign next to the door reading:SISTERS OF ST. FRANCISHe climbs the steps and rings the bell. The door is answered by a nun in a long black habit who asks, \"What may we do for you, my son?\" He answers, \"I saw your signs along the highway, and was interested in possibly doing business.\" \"Very well, my son. Please follow me.\" He is led through many winding passages and is soon quite disoriented. The nun stops at a closed door, and tells the man, \"Please knock on this door.\" He does as he is told and this door is answered by another nun in long habit, holding a tin cup. This nun instructs, \"Please place $50 in the cup, then go through the large wooden door at the end of this hallway.\" He gets $50 out of his wallet and places it in the second nun's cup. He trots eagerly down the hall and slips through the door, pulling it shut behind him. As the door locks behind him, he finds himself back in the parking lot, facing another small sign:GO IN PEACEYOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWEDBY THE SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Men", + "output": "One day a guy dies and finds himself in hell. As he is wallowing in despair he has his first meeting with the devil. Devil: Why so glum, chum? Guy: What do you think? I'm in hell. Devil: Hell's not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun down here. You a drinkin' man? Guy: Sure, I love to drink. Devil: Well you're gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays That's all we do is drink. Whiskey, tequila, Guinness, wine coolers, diet Tab, and Fresca. We drink till we throw up and then we drink some more. Guy: Gee, that sounds great. Devil: You a smoker? Guy: You better believe it. Devil: Alright! You're gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from all over the world and smoke our lungs out. If you get cancer, no biggie - you're already dead, remember? Guy: Wow. That's awesome. Devil: I bet you like to gamble. Guy: Why yes, as a matter of fact I do. Devil: Cause Wednesday you can gamble all you want. Craps, Blackjack, Roulette, Poker, Slots, whatever. If you go bankrupt, well, you're dead anyhow. Devil: You into drugs? Guy: Are you kidding? I love drugs. You don't mean.... Devil: That's right Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a great big bowl of crack or smack. Smoke a doobie the size of a submarine. You can do all the drugs you want and if ya overdose - that's alright - you're dead, who cares? O.D.!! Guy: Yowza!! I never realized Hell was such a swingin' place. Devil: You gay? Guy: No.... Devil: Ooooh (grimaces), You're gonna hate Fridays . . ." + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Men", + "output": "John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, \"Here's to spending the rest of me life between the legs of me wife!\" That won him the top prize for the best toast of the night. He went home and told his wife, Mary, \"I won the prize for the best toast of the night.\" She said, \"Aye, John, what was your toast?\" John Said, \"Here's to spending the rest of me life sitting in church beside me wife.\" \"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John,\" Mary said.The next day, Mary ran into one of John's toasting buddies on the street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, \"John won the prize, the other night, with a toast about you, Mary.\"She said, \"Aye and I was a bit surprised myself! You know, he's only been there twice. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come\"." + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Bar Jokes", + "output": "A Man comes back home at 3am, drunk as a skunk. He hears the cuckoo clock cuckoo three times. Quickly coming up with a plan, he cuckooes nine more times, hoping his wife would think it was midnight. He is very proud of himself.The next day, his wife asks what time he got home, and he replies, \"Midnight, just like I said.\" She says that was good, but that theyneed a new cuckoo clock. When the man asks why, she answers: \"Last night when it cuckooed midnight, it cuckooed threetimes, said 'Damn!,' cuckooed four more times, farted, cuckooed three times, cleared its throat, cuckooed two moretimes and then started giggling.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Men", + "output": "During the wedding rehearsal, the groom approached the vicar with an unusual offer. \"Look, I’ll give you £100 if you’ll change the wedding vows. When you get to me and the part where I’m to promise to ‘love, honor and obey’ and ‘forsaking all others, be faithful to her forever,’ I’d appreciate it if you’d just leave that part out.\" He passed the clergyman the cash and walked away satisfied. It is now the day of the wedding, and the bride and groom have moved to that part of the ceremony where the vows are exchanged. When it comes time for the groom’s vows, the vicar looks the young man in the eye and says:\"Will you promise to prostrate yourself before her, obey her every command and wish, serve her breakfast in bed every morning of your life and swear eternally before God and your lovely wife that you will not ever even look at another woman, as long as you both shall live?\" The groom gulped and looked around, and said in a tiny voice, \"Yes.\" The groom leaned toward the vicar and hissed, \"I thought we had a deal.\" The vicar put the £100 into his hand and whispered back, \"She made me a much better offer.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Men", + "output": "This couple go to an agricultural show way out in the countryside a fine Sunday afternoon and are watching the auctioning off of bulls. The guy selling the bulls announces the first bull to be auctioned off, \"A fine specimen, this bull reproduced 60 times last year.\"The wife nudges her husband in the ribs and comments, \"See! That was more than 5 times a month!\" The second bull is to be sold, \"Another fine specimen, this wonder reproduced 120 times last year.\" Again the wife bugs her husband, \"Hey, that's some 5 times a month. What do you say to that?\" Her husband is getting really annoyed with this comparison. The third bull is up for sale, \"And this extraordinary specimen reproduced 365 times last year!\" The wife slaps her husband on the arm and yells, \"That's once a day, every day of the year! How about you?\" The husband was pretty irritated by now and yells back, \"Sure, once a day! Great! But, you ask the auctioneer if they were all with the same cow!\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Aviation", + "output": "A biology graduate student went to Borneo to take some samples for his thesis work. He flew there, found a guide with a canoe to take him up the river to the remote site he where he would make his collections. About noon on the second day of travel up the river they began to hear drums. Being a city boy by nature, the biologist was disturbed by this. He asked the guide, \"What are those drums?\" The guide turned to him and said, \"Drums OK, but VERY BAD when they stop.\" The biologist settled down a little at this, and things went reasonably well for about two weeks. Then, just as they were packing up the camp to leave, the drums suddenly stopped! This hit the biologist like a ton of bricks, and he yelled at the guide, \"The drums have stopped - what happens now?\" The guide crouched down, covered his head with his hands and said: \"Bass Solo\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Men", + "output": "A guy was in a cave, looking for treasure. He found an old lamp, rubbed it, and a genie came out. The genie said \"I will grant you three wishes, but your ex-wife will get double.\" The man agreed, and said \"I wish I had a mansion.\" The genie granted it, and his ex-wife got two mansions. The man said \"I would like a million dollars.\" The genie again granted it and his ex-wife got two million dollars. Then the man said, \"Scare me half to death.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Aviation", + "output": "A man boards an airplane, and takes his seat. As he settles in, he glances up and sees the most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realizes she is heading straight towards his seat. A wave of nervous anticipation washes over him. Lo and behold, she takes the seat right beside his. Anxious to strike up a conversation, he blurts out, \"So where are you flying to today?\" She turns and smiles, and says, \"To the annual Nymphomaniac Convention, in Chicago.\" He swallows hard, and is instantly CRAZED with excitement. Here's the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen, sitting RIGHT next to him, and she's going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs. Struggling to maintain his outward cool, he calmly asks, \"And what's your role at this convention?\" She flips her hair back, turns to him, locks onto his eyes and says, \"Well, I try to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality.\" \"Really\" he says, swallowing hard. \"And what myths are those?\" She explains, \"Well, one popular myth is that African American men are the most well-endowed when, in fact, it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess this trait. Another popular myth is that Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is men of Jewish descent who romance women best, on average.\" \"Very interesting,\" the man responds. Suddenly, the woman becomes very embarrassed, and blushes. \"I'm sorry,\" she says, \"I feel so awkward discussing this with you, and I don't even know your name.\" The man extends his hand and replies, \"Tonto... Tonto Goldstein.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Men", + "output": "In a Poor town in the middle of nowhere and no women, A guy walks into a bar and asks the bartender, \"How can you live in this town without any women?\". The bartender replies, \"It's not that bad, sir, when we get lonely we go out back where there is a barrel with a knothole in it. It never sounds appeasing at first, but after one try you're hooked.\"So after a few beers, the guy starts getting a little lonely and tells the bartender he's gonna go find the barrel.At that, he walks up to the barrel and sticks it in the knothole.After about 5 minutes he ventures back to the bar and tells the bartender, \"Man, that's the greatest stuff I've ever had!! What do I owe ya?\".To which the bartender replies, \"Nothing, but it's your turn to get in the barrel\"." + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Men", + "output": "A young woman was taking an afternoon nap. After she woke up, she told her husband, \"I just dreamed that you gave me a pearl necklace for Valentine's day. What do you think it means?\"\"You'll know tonight.\" he said.That evening, the man came home with a small package and gave it to his wife.Delighted, she opened it-only to find a book entitled \"The meaning of dreams\"." + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Men", + "output": "A Farmer walks into the local bar and sits down at the bar. The Farmer mumbles, \"Some things I just can't explain.\" The bartender, who knows the Farmer as Jim, asks, \"What do you mean Jim?\".\"Well, you know my old cow Betsy? I was milking her this morning and out of the blue she knocks the pail of milk over with her right back leg. So I picked up a piece of rope laying nearby and cut me off a piece. I tied her leg to the post nearby, but some things I just can't explain,\" Jim said. \"Jim, What do you mean by that,\" the Bartender asks. \"Well, I commenced to milking her again and when the pail got half full she kick it over with her left back leg. So I took the left over piece of rope and tied her other leg to another post, but some things I just can't explain,\" Jim added. \"Jim, tell me what it is you can't explain and I'll see if I can help,\" the Bartender said.\"Well, after that I went back to milking her and again I got the pail half full and I'll be darned if she didn't knock the pail over with her tail. Since I didn't have any more rope left I took off my belt and tied one end to her tail. Then I stood up on my stool and reached up to hook the buckle on a nail just above. About that time my pants fell to my ankles and my wife walks into the barn. That's what I can't explain.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Men", + "output": "The year is 2222 and Mike and Maureen land on Mars after accumulatingenough frequent flyer miles. They meet a Martian couple and are talkingabout all sorts of things. Mike asks if Mars has a stock market, if theyhave laptop computers, how they make money, etc.Finally, Maureen brings up the subject of sex. \"Just how do you guys doit?\" asks Maureen. \"Pretty much the way you do,\" responds the Martian.Discussion ensues and finally the couples decide to swap partners for thenight and experience one another. Maureen and the male Martian go off to abedroom where the Martian strips. He's got only a teeny, weenie memberabout half an inch long and just a quarter inch thick.\"I don't think this is going to work,\" says Maureen.\"Why?\" he asks, \"What's the matter?\"\"Well,\" she replies, \"It's just not long enough to reach me!\"\"No problem,\" he says, and proceeds to slap his forehead with his palm.With each slap of his forehead, his member grows until it's quiteimpressively long.\"Well,\" she says, \"That's quite impressive, but it's still prettynarrow....\"\"No problem,\" he says, and starts pulling his ears. With each pull, hismember grows wider and wider until the entire measurement is extremelyexciting to the woman.\"Wow!\" she exclaims, as they fall into bed and make mad, passionate love.The next day the couples rejoin their normal partners and go theirseparate ways. As they walk along, Mike asks \"Well, was it any good?\"\"I hate to say it,\" says Maureen, \"but it was pretty wonderful. How aboutyou?\"\"It was horrible,\" he replies. \"All I got was a headache. She keptslapping my forehead and pulling my ears.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Men", + "output": "An old man is sitting on a park bench crying his eyes out. A young jogger comes by and asks him what is the matter. The old man says, \"I'm a multimillionare, I have a great big house, the fastest car in the world and I just married a beautiful blonde bombshell who satisfies me every night in bed whether I like it or not (sob).\"The young jogger says, \"Man, you have everything I have ever dreamed for in my life. What could be so wrong in your life that you are sitting here in the park crying?\"The old man says, \"I can't remember where I live.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Men", + "output": "A man had 50 yard line tickets for the Super Bowl. As he sits down, a mancomes down and asked the man if anyone is sitting in the seat next to him.\"No\", he said, \"the seat is empty\".\"This is incredible\", said the man. \"Who in their right mind wouldhave a seat like this for the Super Bowl , the biggest sport event in theworld, and not use it ?\"Somberly, the man says, \"Well... the seat actually belongs to me. Iwas supposed to come here with my wife, but she passed away. This is thefirst Super Bowl we have not been together since we got married in 1967.\"\"Oh I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. But couldn't you find someoneelse - a friend or relative or even a neighbor to take the seat?\"The man shakes his head, \"No. They're all at the funeral.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Men", + "output": "This little boy woke up three nights in a row because he kept hearing thumping noises coming from his parent's room. He finally approached his mom and said, \"Mommy, every night I hear you and daddy making noise and when I look in, you're bouncing up and down on him.\"His mom is taken by surprise and says, \"Oh...well, I'm bouncing on his stomach because he's fat and that makes him thin again.\"The boy says, \"That won't work.\" His mom asks, \"Why?\" The boy replies, \"Because the lady next door comes by after you leave each day and blows him back up!\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Men", + "output": "A guy named Bob receives a free ticket to the Superbowl from his company. Unfortunately, when Bob arrives at the stadium he realizes the seat is in the last row in the corner of the stadium -- he is closer to the Goodyear Blimp than the field.About halfway through the first quarter, Bob notices an empty seat 10 rows off the field right on the 50 yard line. He decides to take a chance and makes his way through the stadium and around the security guards to the empty seat.As he sits down, he asks the gentleman sitting next to him, \"Excuse me, is anyone sitting here?\" The man says no.Now, very excited to be in such a great seat for the game, Bob again inquires of the man next to him, \"This is incredible! Who in their right mind would have a seat like this at the Superbowl and not use it?\" The man replies, \"Well, actually, the seat belongs to me, I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Superbowl we haven't been to together since we got married in 1967.\"\"Well, that's really sad,\" says Bob, \"but still, couldn't you find someone to take the seat? A relative or a close friend?\"\"No,\" the man replies, \"they're all at the funeral.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Medical", + "output": "A doctor was having an affair with his nurse. Shortly afterward, she told him that she was pregnant. Not wanting his wife to know, he gave the nurse a sum of money and asked her to go to Italy and have the baby there. \"But how will I let you know the baby is born?\" she asked. He replied, \"Just send me a postcard and write \"spaghetti\" on the back. I'll take care of expenses.\" Not knowing what else to do, the nurse took the money and flew to Italy. Six months went by, and then one day the doctor's wife called him at the office and said, \"Dear, you received a very strange postcard in the mail today from Europe, and I don't understand what it means.\" The doctor said, \"Just wait until I get home and I will explain it to you.\" Later that evening the doctor came home, read the postcard, and fell to the floor with a heart attack. Paramedics rushed him to the hospital emergency room. The head medic stayed back to comfort the wife. He asked what trauma had precipitated the cardiac arrest. So the wife picked up the card and read: \"Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti - Two with sausage and meatballs; two without.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Men", + "output": "A famous sexologist was giving a lecture in front of a big crowd.\"There are 4 kinds of men when it comes to sex. The first kind does it every day. You can usually recognize him by his masculine body and the constant smile on his face. Do we have anyone like this in the audience?\"A man got up from the audience and he fitted the description: Big firm body with a smile on his face.\"Then there is the second kind. They have sex once a week. They also have a generally happy mood, and look pretty good, but of course not as good as the first kind. Is there any one of them here tonight?\".A second man got up, and he too fitted the description. \"The third kind do it once a month. They are chubby and usually grumpy. Anyone of them here?\".The man that raised from his chair looked exactly like the expert claimed. \"And then there is the 4th kind. They do it once a year. They usually have a big belly, but the thing that is most tipical is that they are in a constant state of depression. I know it would be hard for him to admit, but if there is one of those in the audience, please rise\".A fat and short man stood up, but in contrary to the experts prediction, he looked very cheerful. \"You do it only once a year?\", the expert asked.\"Yes, only once a year\".\"So why are you so happy?\", demanded the expert. \"Well\", said the man, cheeringly, \"Tonight is the night!\"..." + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Men", + "output": "Two women where at a pub, having a fun night out, away from their husbands. When they got out and started walking back home, they suddenly had a strong urge to pee. They decided to do it in the cemetery, where they figured no one will notice them. Once they were done, they remembered they didn't bring toilet papers. The first one took her panties off, used it like paper and threw it away. The second used some flowers from one of the tombs. The day after, one of the husbands called the other and said, angrily: \"Looks like our wifes had quite a good time yesterday. Mine came home without her panties!\". The other one answered, even more angry: \"That's nothing. Mine came back with a small note sticked to here ass, saying 'we will never forget you. love, from all the guys\"..." + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Men", + "output": "James Bond walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance, and then casually looks at his watch for a moment. The woman notices this and asks, \"Is your date running late?\" \"No,\" he replies, \"Q has just given me this state-of-the-art watch. I was just testing it.\" The intrigued woman says, \"A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?\" Bond explains, \"It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically.\" The lady says, \"What's it telling you now?\" \"Well, it says you're not wearing any panties.\" The woman giggles and replies, \"Well it must be broken because I'm wearing panties!\" Bond smirks, taps his watch and says, \"Bloody thing's an hour fast.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Men", + "output": "A cop drives up to lovers lane and sees a car there. So he walks up to the car, and there's a girl in the back seat knitting and a boy in the front seat reading a book. The cop asks the boy how old he is and what he's doing. The boy answers, \"I'm reading a book and I'm 20.\" Then the cop asks what the girl's doing and how oldshe is. The boy replies, \"She's knitting and she'll be 18 in about five minutes.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Men", + "output": "Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates. \"In honor of this holy season,\" Saint Peter said, \"you must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into Heaven.\" The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. \"It represents a candle\", he said. \"You may pass through the pearly gates\". Saint Peter said. The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, \"They're bells.\" Saint Peter said \"You may pass through the pearly gates\". The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties. St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, \"And just what do those symbolize?\" The man replied, \"They're Carols.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Men", + "output": "After a long night buying a foxy women drinks, Joe took advantage by giving her a ride home. After the walk to the door, the women asked Joe in for a nightcap... One thing led to another ....After making love Joe rolled over, pulled out a cigarette from his jeans and searched for his lighter. Unable to find it, Joe asked the girl if she had one at hand. \"There might be some matches in the top drawer.\", she said. He opened the drawer of the bedside table and found a box of matches sitting neatly on top of a framed picture of another man. Naturally, Joe began to worry. \"Is this your husband?\" he inquired nervously. \"No, silly,\" she replied, snuggling up to him. \"Your boyfriend then?\" he asked. \"No, not at all,\" she said, nibbling away at his ear. \"Well, who is he then?\" demanded Joe bewildered. Calmly, the girl replied, \"That's me before the operation.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Military", + "output": "There was an Englishman,Scottishman and an Irishman swimming in the sea one day when suddenly they were captured by pirates. The captain said to them \"You're getting locked up in dungeons for 50 years, but I'll give you something to go in with. The Englishman says he wants to go in with booze, so he goes in with his booze.The Scotsman says he wants some women so he goes in with his women. Finally, the Irishman wants to go in with cigarettes, so he goes in with his cigarettes. Then 50 years later the Englishman comes out of his dungeon drunk, the Scotsman comes out with his women and kids and the Irishman comes out and says 'Got a light'?" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Medical", + "output": "Al Gore and George W. Bush found themselves in the same barbershop at the same time, seated side by side, getting the works. Their barbers finished shaving the two presidential candidates right about the same time and each barber reached for some after shave to slap on their customers' faces. Bush shouted, \"Hey, don't put that $#!& on me! My wife will think I've been in a whorehouse.\" Gore said calmly to his barber, \"Go ahead and put it on. My wife doesn't know what the inside of a whorehouse smells like.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Medical", + "output": "A man comes to the doctor and says: \"Doc, no matter what i do in bed i can't satisfy my wife\".So the doctor sends him to the old train-station, where he is to find a very well-built guy that can help him.And so, the man goes there, finds the big guy and asks him for help.The guy says: \"No problem, sir. You see this banana-skin? Invite me to your house while you are having sex, and i will wave it at you and your wife during the whole time. I promise you that she will reach satisfaction in no time\".So, they head off to the man's house. When the woman opens the door, he asks her to go to bed, cause they are going to have some great sex. And so they begin, and the big man is waving the banana-skin. After 30 minutes, still the wife doesn't reach satisfaction.\"Give it to me, i will wave and you will have the sex\", says the man angrily.Ans so, he starts waving, and the big guy is having sex with the wife. After exactly two mintues, she reaches her peack.\"You see, you Idiot\", says the man to the big-guy with rage, \"this is how you are supposed to wave a banana!\"." + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Men", + "output": "An old cowboy dressed to kill with cowboy shirt, hat, jeans, spurs and chaps went to a bar and ordered a drink. As he sat there sipping his whiskey, a young lady sat down next to him. After she ordered her drink she turned to the cowboy and asked him, \"Are you a real cowboy?\" \"Well, I have spent my whole life on the ranch herding cows, breaking horses, mending fences... I guess I am,\" replied the cowboy. After a short while he asked her what she was. \"I've never been on a ranch so I'm not a cowboy, but I am a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning I think of women, when I eat, shower, watch TV, everything seems to make me think of women,\" said the young woman. A short while later she left and the cowboy ordered another drink. A couple sat down next to him and asked, \"Are you a real cowboy?\" \"I always thought I was, but I just found out that I'm a lesbian.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Men", + "output": "A woman woke in the middle of the night to find her husband missing from their bed. In the stillness of the house, she could hear a muffled sound downstairs. She went downstairs and looked around, still not finding her husband. Listening again, she could definitely hear moaning. She went down to the basement to find her husband, crouched in the corner facing the wall, sobbing. \"What's wrong with you?\" she asked him. \"Remember when your father caught us together when you were 16?\" he replied. \"And remember, he said, I had two choices - I could either marry you, or spend the next 20 years in prison.\" Baffled, she said, \"Yes, I remember. So?\" \"I would have gotten out today.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Men", + "output": "A guy went to a psychiatrist because he was having severe problems with his sex life. The psychiatrist asked him a lot of questions, but he couldn't get a clear picture of the problems. Finally he asked, \"Do you ever watch your girlfriend's face while you're having sex?\" \"Well, yes, I did once.\" \"And how did she look?\" \"Oh boy, she looked very angry!\" At this point the psychiatrist felt that he was really getting somewhere. \"Well that's very interesting, we must look into this further. Now tell me, you say that you have only seen your girlfriend's face once during sex. That seems somewhat unusual. How did it occur that you saw her face that time?\" \"She was watching us through the window.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Men", + "output": "Clark works hard at the plant, puts in a lot of overtime, and then spends most evenings bowling, playing basketball or working out at the gym. His wife, Jessica, thinks he is pushing himself too hard, so, for his birthday, she takes him to a local strip club. The doorman at the club greets them and says, \"Hey, Clark, how ya doing?\" Jessica is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before. \"Oh no,\" says Clark. \"He works out at the gym with me.\" When they are seated, a waitress asks Clark if he'd like his usual Budweiser. Jessica is now becoming uncomfortable and says, \"You must come here a lot for that woman to know you drink Budweiser.\" \"No, honey, she's in the Ladies Bowling League. We share lanes with them.\" A stripper comes over to their table and throws her arms around Clark. \"Hi Clarky,\" she says, \"want your usual table dance?\" Jessica, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club. Clark follows and spots his wife getting into a cab. Before Jessica can slam the door, Clark jumps in beside her. Right away she starts screaming at him. The cabby turns his head and says, \"Looks like you picked up a real cranky one tonight, Clark.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Men", + "output": "\"Mr. johns, I have reviewed this case very carefully,\" the divorce court judge said, \"and I've decided to give your wife $275 a week.\" \"That's very fair, your honor,\" the husband said. \"And every now and then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Crazy Jokes", + "output": "A guy goes to a psychiatrist. \"Doc, I keep having these alternating recurring dreams. First I'm a teepee; then I'm a wigwam; then I'm a teepee; then I'm a wigwam. It's driving me crazy. What's wrong with me?\" The doctor replies: \"It's very simple. You're two tents.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Men", + "output": "Why men can't win...If you work too hard, there is never any time for her. If you don't work enough, you're a good-for-nothing bum. If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay, it's exploitation. If you have a boring repetitive job with low pay, you should get off your butt and find something better. If you get a promotion ahead of her, it's favoritism. If she gets a job ahead of you, it's equal opportunity. If you mention how nice she looks, it's sexual harassment. If you keep quiet, it's male indifference. If you cry, you're a wimp. If you don't, you're insensitive. If you make a decision without consulting her, you're a chauvinist. If she makes a decision without consulting you, she's a liberated woman. If you ask her to do something she doesn't enjoy, that's domination. If she asks you, it's a favor. If you try to keep yourself in shape, you're vain. If you don't, you're a slob. If you buy her flowers, you're after something. If you don't, you're not thoughtful. If you're proud of your achievements, you're an egotist. If you're not, you're not ambitious. If she has a headache, she's tired. If you have a headache, you don't love her anymore" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Men", + "output": "A lady and her baby get on a bus. The bus driver looks at the lady, and then her baby, and then screams, \"AHHHH! That's the ugliest child I've ever seen in my life!\" The lady then, totally disgusted, marches up to the back of the bus to sit down. As she was sitting there absolutely furious, a man asks, \"Are you ok, dear?\" The lady replies, \"I'm so angry, that bus driver just insulted me.\" The man says, \"You go back up there and give that bus driver a piece of your mind, and I'll watch your monkey.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Men", + "output": "A funeral service is being held in a synagogue for a woman who has just passed away. At the end of the service the pallbearers are carrying the casket out, when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket. They hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive. She lives for ten more years and then dies. A ceremony is again held at the same synagogue and at the end of the ceremony the pallbearers are again carrying the casket. As they are walking out, the husband cries, \"Watch out for the wall!\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Men", + "output": "A guy goes to the pharmacist and says, \"Listen, these two girls are coming over this weekend, and they are hot, very hot. Would you have something to get me going all night? It's going to be a wild party.\" The pharmacist goes in the back room, comes back with an old dusty bottle and says, \"This stuff is potent: drink only one ounce of it, and I guarantee that you will be doing the wild thing all night. Let me know how it goes.\" The weekend goes by and on Monday morning, the pharmacist goes to work and finds the same guy waiting for him on the door-step. The pharmacist says, \"What are you doing here so early? How was your weekend?\" The guy replies, \"Quick, I need Blue Ice\" (muscle pain relief). The pharmacist, knowing what the guy had been doing all weekend, says, \"Are you crazy, you can't put that on your crotch. The skin is way too sensitive.\" The guy says, \"No, no, It's not for that, it's for my arm.\" Pharmacist: \"What?? What happened?\" Guy replies, \"Well...I drank the whole bottle of your potion.\" Pharmacist: \"Oh my god, and then what ? \" \"The girls never showed up!\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Men", + "output": "A man was out, driving happily along in his car late one Saturday night. Before too long, a cop pulled him over. The policeman walked up to the man and asked, \"Have you been drinking, sir?\" \"Why? Was I weaving all over the road?\" \"No,\" replied the policeman, \"you were driving splendidly. It was the really ugly girl in the passenger seat that gave you away.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Science", + "output": "German scientists dug 50 meters underground and discovered small pieces of copper. After studying these pieces for a long time, Germany announced that the ancient Germans had a nationwide telephone network. Naturally, the British government was not that easily impressed. They ordered their own scientists to dig even deeper. 100 meters down, they found small pieces of glass, and they soon announced that the ancient Brits already had a nationwide fibre optic network. Israeli scientists were outraged. They dug 50, 100 and 200 meters underground, but found absolutely nothing... They concluded that the ancient Hebrews had cellular telephones." + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Men", + "output": "Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day to confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion. He had an urge to stick his private parts into the pickle slicer. His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill indicated that he'd be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own. One day a few weeks later, Bill came home absolutely ashen. His wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong. \"What's wrong, Bill?\" she asked. \"Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my privates into the pickle slicer?\" \"Oh, Bill, you didn't.\" \"Yes, I did.\" \"My God, Bill, what happened?\" \"I got fired.\" \"No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?\" \"Oh...she got fired too.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Men", + "output": "A husband and wife entered the dentist's office. The husband said, \"I want a tooth pulled. I don't want gas or Novocain because I'm in a terrible hurry. Just pull the tooth as quickly as possible.\"\"You're a brave man,\" said the dentist. \"Now, show me which tooth it is.\"The husband turns to his wife and says, \"Open your mouth and show the dentist which tooth it is, dear.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Men", + "output": "On the first day of college, the dean addressed the students, pointing out some of the rules: \"The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students, and the male dormitory to the female students. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time. Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $60. Being caught a third time will cost you $180. Are there any questions?\" \"How much for a season pass?\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Men", + "output": "This guy decides he's going to play a little joke on his wife one day. As she steps out of the shower, he grabs one of her breasts and says, \"If you firmed these up a bit, you wouldn't have to keep using your bra.\" He laughs and laughs. The next morning, he again catches her as she finishes her shower and grabs her butt and says \"If you firmed this up a bit, you wouldn't have to keep using your girdle.\" Again he laughs and laughs, while his wife plots her revenge. The next morning as he steps out of the shower, his wife grabbed his privates and says, \"If you firmed THIS up a bit, I wouldn't need to keep sleeping with your brother.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Men", + "output": "In the days of the Wild West, there was a young cowboy who wanted more than anything to be the greatest gunfighter in the world. He practiced every minute of his spare time, but he knew that he wasn't yet first-rate and that there must be something he was doing wrong. Sitting in a saloon one Saturday night, he recognized an elderly man seated at the bar who had the reputation of being the fastest gun in the West in his day. The young cowboy took a seat next to the old-timer, bought him a drink, and told him the story of his great ambition. \"Do you think you could give me some tips?\" he asked. The old man looked him up and down and said, \"Well, for one thing, you're wearing your gun too high. Tie the holster a lil' lower down on your leg.\" \"Will that make me a better gunfighter?\" asked the young man. \"Sure will,\" said the old-timer. The young man did as he was told, stood up, whipped out his .44 and shot the bow tie off the piano player. \"That's terrific!\" said the cowboy. \"Got any more tips for me?\" \"Yep,\" said the old man. \"Cut a notch out of your holster where the hammer hits it. That'll give you a smoother draw.\" \"Will that make me a better gunfighter?\" asked the younger man. \"You bet it will,\" said the old-timer. The young man took out his knife, cut the notch, stood up, drew his gun in a blur, then shot a cufflink off the piano player. \"Wow!\" said the cowboy. \"I'm learnin' somethin' here. Got any more tips?\" The old man pointed to a large can in a corner of the saloon. \"See that axle grease over there? Coat your gun with it.\" The young man went over to the can and smeared some of the grease on the barrel of his gun. \"No,\" said the old-timer, \"I mean smear it all over the gun, handle and all.\" \"Will that make me a better gunfighter?\" asked the young man. \"No,\" said the old-timer, \"but when Wyatt Earp gets done playin' the piano, he's going to shove that gun up your butt and it won't hurt as much.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Men", + "output": "Paul, a guy on the local beach just couldn't make it with any of the girls, so he heads over to the lifeguard tower to see if the lifeguard has any advice for him.\"Dude, it's obvious,\" says the lifeguard, \"you're wearing them baggy old swimming trunks that make ya look like an old geezer. They're years outtastyle. Your best bet is to grab yourself a pair of Spandex Speedos - abouttwo sizes too small - and drop a fist-sized potato down inside 'em. I'm tellin ya man...you'll have all the babes ya want!\"The following weekend, Paul hits the beach with his spanking new tightSpeedos, and his fist-sized potato and it's worse than before. Everybodyon the beach acts disgusted as he walks by, covering their faces, turningaway, laughing, looking sick! So Paul goes back to the lifeguard again and asks him, \"What's wrong now?\"\"JAHEESUS!\" says the lifeguard, \"The potato goes in front!\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Men", + "output": "A man walking along a California beach was deep in prayer. Suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, the Lord said, \"Because you have TRIED to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish.\" The man said, \"Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over anytime I want.\" The Lord said, \"Your request is very materialistic. Think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking. The supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take! It will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that would honor and glorify me.\" The man thought about it for a long time. Finally he said, \"Lord, I wish that I could understand my wife. I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says 'nothing is wrong' and how I can make a woman truly happy.\" The Lord replied, \"You want two lanes or four on that bridge?\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Men", + "output": "you make woman so beautiful?\" God says: \"So you would love her.\" \"But God,\" the man says, \"why did you make her so dumb?\" God says: \"So she would love you.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Men", + "output": "A priest and a rabbi found themselves sharing a compartment on a train. After a while, the priest opened a conversation by saying, \"I know that in your religion you're not supposed to eat pork. Have you actually ever tasted it?\"The rabbi said, \"I must tell the truth. Yes, I have, on the odd occasion.\"Then the Rabbi had his turn of interrogation. He asked, \"Your religion, too... I know you're suposed to be celibate, but...?\"The priest replied, \"Yes, I know what you're going to ask. I have succumbed once or twice.\"There was silence for a while. Then the Rabbi peeped around the newspaper he was reading and said, \"Better than pork, isn't it?\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Men", + "output": "A guy applied to join a nudist club. \"Exactly what do you do here?\" he asked. \"It's quite simple,\" said the club secretary, \"We take off all our clothes and commune with nature.\" \"Cool,\" said the guy, \"...count me in!!!\" So he paid his membership fee, took off his gear and strolled off. As he walked along a path, he saw a big sign which read, \"Beware of Gays.\" A little further along he saw another sign which read the same thing \"Beware of Gays.\" He continued walking until he came to a small clearing which had a bronze plaque set in the ground. He bent over to read the plaque and it said, \"Sorry....You've had two warnings!\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Men", + "output": "A woman reported the disappearance of her husband to the police. The officer in charge looked at the photograph she handed him, questioned her, and then asked if she wished to give her husband any message if they found him. \"Yes,\" she replied readily. \"Tell him Mother didn't come after all.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Men", + "output": "\"Mr. Quinn, I have reviewed this case very carefully,\" the divorce court judge said, \"and I've decided to give your wife $775 a week.\"\"That's very fair, your honor,\" the husband said. \"And every now and then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Men", + "output": "Wandering dejectedly in The Garden of Eden, Eve told God, \"I'm lonely I'm tired of eating apples by myself.\" \"Okay,\" God said, \"I'll create a man for you.\" Eve said, \"A man! What's that?\" \"He's a creature with aggressive tendencies and an enormous ego. He won't listen very well, he'll get lost easily, but never stop to ask for directions. However, he is big and strong, he can open jars and hunt animals. And he'll be fun in bed.\" \"Sounds great!\" said Eve. \"Oh, and one more thing,\" God said. \"He will want to believe that I made HIM first.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Men", + "output": "A husband in his back yard is trying to fly a kite. He throws the kite up in the air, the wind catches it for a few seconds; then it comes crashing back down. He tries this a few more times with no success. All the while his wife is watching from the kitchen window, muttering to herself how men need to be told how to do everything. She opens the window and yells to her husband, \"You need more tail.\" The man turns with a confused look on his face and says, \"Make up your mind. Last night, you told me to go fly a kite.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Police Jokes", + "output": "A man was driving down a local street one day and approached a stop sign. He barely slowed down and ran right through the stop sign after glancing for traffic. What the driver didn't know was that a policeman was watching the intersection. The policeman pulled out after him and stopped the car two blocks away. Policeman: \"License, registration and proof of insurance please.\" Driver: \"Before I give it to you, tell me what the heck you stopped me for, man.\" Policeman: \"Watch your tone sir; you ran the stop sign back there!!\" Driver: \"Man, I slowed down, what the heck is the difference!?!\" The police officer pulled out his night stick and began smashing it over the man's head and shoulders. Policeman: \"Now, do you want me to just slow down or stop!!!?\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Men", + "output": "Fresh from her shower, a woman stands in front of the mirror, complaining to her husband that her breasts are too small. Instead of characteristically telling her it's not so, the husband uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion: \"If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between your breasts for a few seconds.\" Willing to try anything, the wife fetches a piece of toilet paper and stands in front of the mirror, rubbing it between her breasts. \"How long will this take?\" she asks. \"They'll grow larger over a period of years,\" he replies. The wife stops. \"Why do you think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts grow over the years?\" Without missing a beat the husband says, \"Worked for your butt; didn't it?\" He lived, and with a great deal of therapy may even walk again. Stupid, stupid man..." + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Men", + "output": "One day there was this Teacher who after missing a few days of school because of snow on friday decided to tell her students that there was going to be a test monday no matter what. So the the class clown in class raises his had asks, \"Well what if I have some great sexaul expeirences this weekend and I come in on monday and I am just too tired to take that test?\" Then the teacher responds with, \"Well I guess you will have to use your left hand to write then.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Men", + "output": "A husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop, with them are their 8 children. A blind man joins them after a few minutes. When the bus arrives, they find it overloaded and only the wife and her eight children are able to fit in the bus. So the husband and the blind man decide to walk. After a while the husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind man and says to him. \"Why don't you put a piece of rubber at the end of your stick, that ticking sound is driving me crazy!!\" The blind man replies: \"If you would've put a rubber on the end of YOUR stick, we'd be sitting in the bus." + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Aviation", + "output": "Morris and his wife Esther went to the state fair every year and every year Morris would say, \"Esther, I'd like to ride in that airplane.\" Esther always replied, \"I know Morris, but that airplane ride costs 50 dollars, and 50 dollars is 50 dollars.\" One year Morris and Esther went to the fair and Morris said, \"Esther, I'm 85 years old. If I don't ride that airplane I might never get another chance.\" Esther replied, \"Morris, that airplane ride costs 50 dollars, and 50 is dollars is 50 dollars.\" The pilot overheard them and said, \"Folks, I'll make you a deal. I'll take you both up for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say one word, I won't charge you; but if you say one word it's 50 dollars.\" Morris and Esther agreed and up they went. The pilot did all kinds of twists and turns, rolls and dives, but not a word was heard. He did all his tricks over again, but still not a word. When they landed, the pilot turned to Morris and said, \"By golly, I did everything I could think of to get you to yell out, but you didn't.\" Morris replied, \"Well, I was gonna say something when Esther fell out, but 50 dollars is 50 dollars.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Crazy Jokes", + "output": "A young man from the city went to visit his farmer uncle. For the first few days, the uncle showed him the usual things - chickens, cows, crops, etc. After three days, however, it was obvious that the nephew was getting bored, and the uncle was running out of things to amuse him with. Finally, the uncle had an idea. \"Why don't you grab a gun, take the dogs, and go shooting?\" This seemed to cheer the nephew up, and with enthusiasm, off he went, dogs in trail. After a few hours, the nephew returned. \"How did you enjoy that?\" asked the uncle. \"It was great!\" exclaimed the nephew. \"Got any more dogs?\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Men", + "output": "Everybody on earth dies and goes to heaven. God comes and says, \"I want the men to make two lines. One line for the men that dominated their women on earth and the other line for the men that were dominated by their women. Also, I want all the women to go with St. Peter.\" With that said and done, the next time God looked, the women are gone and there are two lines. The line of the men that were dominated by their women was 100 miles long, and in the line of men that dominated their women, there was only one man. God got mad and said, \"You men should be ashamed of yourselves. I created, you in my image and you were all whipped by your mates. Look at the only,one of my sons that stood up and made me proud. Learn from him! Tell them my son, how did you manage to be the only one in this line?\" And the man replied, \"I don't know, my wife told me to stand here.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Men", + "output": "On the first day of college, the Dean addressed the students, pointing out some of the rules. \"The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students, and the male dormitory to the female students. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $40 the first time.\"He continued, \"Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $90. Being caught a third time will incur a hefty fine of $200. Are there any questions?\"At this, a male student in the crowd inquires, \"How much for a season pass?\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Men", + "output": "A guy walks into a bar and sits down. He orders six shots of vodka. The bartender asks the man, \"Have a rough day?\" The man replies, \"Yeah, I found out my younger brother was gay!\" The bartender says, \"Man, I'm sorry to hear that. That's awful.\" The man downs the shots and leaves. The very next day the same man comes back into the bar and orders six more shots of vodka. Bartender asks the man, \"What's wrong today?\" The man replies, \"I just found out my older brother is gay.\" Bartender says, \"Man, I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible.\" The man downs his shots and leaves. The man returns again on the third day and again orders six shots of vodka. Bartender asks the man, \"Another rough day?\" The man says, \"Yeah.\" The bartender asks the man, \"Does anyone in your family like women??\" The man says, \"Yeah, my wife.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Men", + "output": "These two guys meet after not having seen each otherfor many many years. The first guy asks the second guy,\"How have things been going?\" The second guy speakingvery slowly tells the first guy, \"I w..a..s.. a..l..m..o..s..t m..a..r..r..i..e..d.\" The first guy says in amazement, \"Hey, you don't stutterany more.\" The answer comes, \" Y..e..s, I w..e..n..t t..o a d..o..c..t..o..r..a..n..d h..e t..o..l..d m..e t..h..a..t i..fI s..p..e..a..k.. s..l..o..w..l..y I w..i..l..ln..o..t s..t..u..t..t..e..r.\" The first friend congratulates him and then asks againabout how he was almost married. \"W..e..l..l m..y f..i..a..n..c..e..e a..n..dI w..e..r..e s..i...t..t..i..n..g.. o..n h..e..rp..o...r..c..h a..n..d t..h..e d..o..g w..a..ss..c..r..a..t..c..h..i..n..g h..i..s b..a..c..ka..n..d I t..o..l..d h..e..r t..h..a..t w..h..e..nw..e a..r..e m..a..r..r..i..e..d s..h..e c..a..nd..o t..h..a..t f..o..r m..e a..n..d s..h..et..h..r..e..w t..h..e r..i..n..g i..n m..yf..a..c..e..\" \"Why should she throw the ring in your face for that?\"asks the first friend. \" W..e..l..l I s..p..e..a..ks..o s..l..o..w..l..y, t..h..a..t b..y t..h..et..i..m..e s..h..e l..o..o..k..e..d.. a..t t..h..e d..o..g, h..e w..a..s l..i..c..k..i..n..gh..i..s b..a..l..l..s\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Men", + "output": "A young woman brings home her fiance to meet her parents. After dinner, her mother tells her father to find out about the young man. The father invites the fiance to his study for a drink. \"So what are your plans?\" the father asks the young man. \"I am a Torah scholar,\" he replies. \"A Torah scholar. Hmmm,\" the father says. \"Admirable, but what will you do to provide a nice house for my daughter to live in, as she's accustomed to?\" \"I will study,\" the young man replies, \"and God will provide for us.\" \"And how will you buy her a beautiful engagement ring, such as she deserves?\" asks the father. \"I will concentrate on my studies,\" the young man replies, \"God will provide for us.\" \"And children?\" asks the father. \"How will you support children?\" \"Don't worry, sir, God will provide,\" replies the fiancee. The conversation proceeds like this, and each time the father questions, the young idealist insists that God will provide. Later, the mother asks, \"How did it go, Honey?\" The father answers, \"He has no job and no plans, but the good news is he thinks I'm God.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Men", + "output": "An old man in Mississippi was sitting on his front porch watching the sun rise. He sees the neighbor's kid walk by carrying something big under his arm. He yells out \"Hey boy, whatcha got there?\" The boy yells back \"Roll of chicken wire.\" The old man says \"What you gonna do with that?\" The boy says \"Gonna catch some chickens.\" The old man yells \"You damn fool, you can't catch chickens with chicken wire!\" The boy just laughs and keeps walking. That evening at sunset the boy comes walking by and to the old man's surprise he is dragging behind him the chicken wire with about 30 chickens caught in it. Same time next morning the old man is out watching the sun rise and he sees the boy walk by carrying something kind of round in his hand. The old man yells out \"Hey boy, whatcha got there?\" The boy yells back \"Roll of duck tape.\" The old man says \"What you gonna do with that?\" The boy says back \"Gonna catch me some ducks.\" The old man yells back, \"You damn fool, you can't catch ducks with duck tape!\" The boy just laughs and keeps walking. That night around sunset the boy walks by coming home and to the old man's amazement he is trailing behind him the unrolled roll of duck tape with about 35 ducks caught in it. Same time next morning the old man sees the boy walking by carrying what looks like a long reed with something fuzzy on the end. The old man says \"Hey boy, whatcha got there?\" The boy says \"It's a pussy willow.\" The old man says \"Wait up.... I'll get my hat\"." + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Men", + "output": "John walks up to the bar tender and bets him $200.00 that he can take off his ear and place it on the bar.. The bartender thinks to himself, \"I know this isn't possible\" \"OK I will bet you the 200.00 dollars!\" the bartendar told John John took off his ear and placed it on the bar....and then said to the bartender, \"You owe me 200.00!!! The next day John came to the bar again. He had a new bet for the bartender!! \"I bet you 2,000 dollars that I can pee in this shoot glass and get every drop in? The bartender thought to himself again,\" No way can he do this!\" \"OK I'll bet you!\" said the bartender. He starts peeing all over the bar, the tables, the chairs, everywhere. \"HA HA I got ya...you owe me 2,000 dollars!!!!\" said the bartender. John said, \"Here's your 2,000....it's ok cause you see that table over there? I bet them 6,000 dollars that i could pee on your bar without you getting mad!!!\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Men", + "output": "A dedicated Teamsters Union worker was attending a convention in Las Vegas and decided to check out the local brothels. When he got to the first one, he asked the Madam, \"Is this a union house?\" \"No,\" she replied, \"I'm sorry, it isn't.\" \"Well, if I pay you $100.00, what cut do the girls get?\" \"The house gets $80.00 and the girls get $20.00.\" Mightily offended at such unfair dealings, the man stomped off down the street in search of a more equitable, hopefully unionized shop. His search continued until finally he reached a brothel where the Madam responded, \"Why, yes, sir, this IS a Union House.\" The man asked, \"And if I pay you $100.00, what cut do the girls get?\" \"The girls get $80.00 and the house gets $20.00.\" \"That's more like it!!!\" the Teamster said. He handed the Madam $100.00, looked around the room and pointed to a stunningly attractive blonde. \"I'd like her for the night.\" \"I'm sure you would, sir,\" said the Madam, then pointing to an 85 year-old woman in the corner, \"but Ethel here has seniority.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Men", + "output": "A man and a friend are playing golf one day. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course.He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer. His friend says: \"Wow that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You are truly a kind man.\"The man then replies: \"Yeah, well, we were married 35 years.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Men", + "output": "These two men were cellmates at state penitentiary for nine years. Oneday Larry said to Joe, \"You know man its been a long time since we hadsome sex so you oughta let me screw you.\"Joe replied. \"Are you crazy?!!\"Larry went on to say, \"I promise you that it won't hurt and we'll flip a coin and see who screws, who first.So, Joe thought about it for a minute and finally agreed. They flipped a coin and Larry won.Still having strong reservation Joe asked, \"How will you tell if it hurts or not?\"Larry told Joe, \"If it hurts you start making animal noises, and I'll stop. But if it feels good start singing.\" Larry started the insertion and Joe screamed,Moooooooo.... Moooooo... Mooooon River" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Men", + "output": "There was this guy named John that went to heaven. He looked around and saw millions of clocks, some were slow and some were fast. He went to God to ask a question. ''What's the deal with all these clocks?'' John asked. ''Well,'' said God, ''these clocks tell how much a person masturbates.'' ''Well, where's my clock?'' asked John. ''It's in the office,'' replied God. ''We use it as a fan.''" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Men", + "output": "Boudreaux went to the store and bought him a pair of patent leather shoes. After seeing how mirror looking they were, he decided to go to the dance. He asked one lady to dance. He then tells her, \"You are wearing red panties.\" She asks how does he know? He looks down at his patent leather shoes. He then asks another lady to dance. He says, \"You are wearing blue panties.\" She asks how does he know this? He then looks down at his patent leather shoes. He then asks Clotilde to dance. He looks at his patent leather shoes about five times. He asks Clotilde if she is wearing any panties.. She replies, \"No\" He says, \"Thank God, I thought my patent leather shoes were cracked.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Food Jokes", + "output": "The owner of a small New York sandwich deli was being questioned by a tax agent about his tax return. He had reported a net profit of $80,000 for the year. \"Why don't you people leave me alone?\" the deli owner said. \"I work like a dog, everyone in my family helps out, the place is only closed three days a year. And you want to know how I made $80,000?\" \"It's not your income that bothers us,\" the agent said. \"It's these travel deductions. You listed six trips to Florida for you and your wife.\" \"Oh, that,\" the owner said smiling. \"It is a legitimate business expense - we deliver!\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Men", + "output": "A tourist is in Spain, and goes to a fancy restaurant for dinner. As he looks around, he notices a diner being served a beautifully garnished dish with two gigantic meatballs in the middle. When the waiter asks him for his order, the man asks him about the meatball dish. The waiter explains that the meatballs are bull's testicles, and when the bull loses the bullfight, the bull is brought to the restaurant, and this beautiful dish is made. The diner tells the waiter that he wants the bulls testicles for dinner, but the waiter tells him that only one bull a day is brought to the restaurant, but he can have it tommorrow. The diner agrees. The next day the diner goes to the restaurant, and orders the testicle dish. When his food is brought out, he notices that the meatballs are extremely small. He mentions this to the waiter, and the waiter replies, ''Well sir you have to understand, sometimes the bull wins''." + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Crazy Jokes", + "output": "Sven was going for his morning walk one day when he walked past Ole's house and saw a sign that said \"Boat For Sale.\" This confused Sven because he knew that Ole didn't own a boat, so he finally decided to go in and ask Ole about it. \"Hey Ole,\" said Sven, \"I noticed da sign in your yard dat says 'Boat For Sale,' but ya don't even have a boat. All ya have is your old John Deere tractor and combine.\" Ole replied, \"Yup, and they're boat for sale.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Food Jokes", + "output": "\"May I take your order?\" the waiter asked. \"Yes, how do you prepare your chickens?\" \"Nothing special sir,\" he replied. \"We just tell them straight out that they're going to die.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Miscellaneous", + "output": "On the sixth day God turned to the Archangel Gabriel and said, \"Today I am going to create a land called Canada. It will be a land of outstanding natural beauty, with majestic mountains, beautiful pristine lakes bountiful with carp and trout, forests full of elk and moose, high cliffs overlooking sandy beaches with an abundance of sea life, and scenic rivers stocked with salmon.\" God continued, \"I shall make the land rich in oil so the inhabitants prosper, and they shall be called Canadians, and they shall be known as the friendliest people on the earth.\" \"But Lord\", said Gabriel, \"surely you are being too generous to these Canadians?\" \"Not really\", replied God. \"Just wait and see the neighbors I'm going to give them.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Men", + "output": "Sam had been in business for 25 years and is finally sick of the stress. He quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in Alaska as far from humanity as possible.Sam sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise it's total peace and quiet. After six months or so of almost total isolation, someone knocks on his door. He opens it and there is a huge, bearded man standing there.\"Name's Lars, your neighbor from forty miles up the road...Having a Christmas party Friday night... Thought you might like to come. About 5:00...\"\"Great,\" says Sam, \"after six months out here I'm ready to meet some local folks. Thank you.\"As Lars is leaving, he stops. \"Gotta warn you... There's gonna be some drinkin'.\"Not a problem,\" says Sam. \"After 25 years in business, I can drink with the best of em.\"Again, as he starts to leave, Lars stops. \"More 'n' likely gonna be some fightin' too.\"Sam says, \"Well, I get along with people, I'll be alright. I'll be there. Thanks again.\"Once again Lars turns from the door. \"More'n likely be some wild sex, too.\"\"Now that's really not a problem,\" says Sam, warming to the idea. \"I've been all alone for six months! I'll definitely be there. By the way, what should I wear?\"Lars stops in the door again and says, \"Whatever you want. Just gonna be the two of us.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Food Jokes", + "output": "A diner was agitated that the waiter had brought him no spoon with his coffee. \"This coffee,\" he said loud enough for most of the other patrons to hear, \"is going to be pretty hot to stir with my fingers.\" The waiter reddened, made a hasty retreat to the kitchen and returned shortly with another cup of coffee. \"This one isn't so hot, sir,\" he beamed." + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Science", + "output": "A man ducked into confession with a turkey in his arms. \"Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned,\" he said. \"I stole this turkey to feed my family. Would you please take it and settle my guilty conscience?\" \"Certainly not,\" said the Priest. \"As penance, you must return it to the one from whom you stole it.\" \"I tried,\" Brian sobbed, \"but he refused. Oh, Father, what should I do?\" \"If what you say is true,\" the Priest said, \"then it is all right for you to keep it for your family.\" \"Oh thank-you, Father,\" the man said, and hurried off. When confession was over, the Priest returned to his residence. When he walked in, the housekeeper came rushing up to him. \"Father, it's terrible!\" she cried. \"What has happened?\" asked the Priest. The housekeeper replied, \"Someone has stolen the turkey right out of your refrigerator!\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Sex", + "output": "A man went to the doctor and said, \"Doctor, I've got a problem, but if you're going to treat it, first you've got to promise not to laugh.\" \"Of course I won't laugh,\" the doctor said. \"I'm a professional. In over twenty years I've never laughed at a patient.\" \"Okay then,\" the man said, and proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing the tiniest member the doctor has ever seen. Unable to control himself, the doctor fell laughing to the floor. Ten minutes later he was able to struggle to his feet and regain his composure. \"I'm so sorry,\" he said. \"I don't know what came over me. On my honor as a doctor and a gentleman, I promise it won't happen again. Now what seems to be the problem?\" \"It's swollen.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Men", + "output": "A fireman came from work one day and told his wife, \"You know, we have a wonderful system at the fire station. Bell 1 rings and we all put on our jackets. Bell 2 rings and we all slide down the pole. Bell 3 rings and we're ready to go on the trucks.\"\"From now on,\" he said, \"we're going to run this house the same way.\" \"When I say Bell 1, I want you to strip naked. When I say Bell 2, I want you to jump into bed. When I say Bell 3, we're going to make love all night.\" The next night the fireman came home from work and yelled, \"Bell 1!\" and his wife took off her clothes. \"Bell 2,\" and his wife jumped into bed. \"Bell 3,\" and they began to make love. After two minutes his wife yelled, \"Bell 4!\"\"What the hell is Bell 4?\" the husband asks. \"Roll out more hose,\" she replied, \"you're nowhere near the fire!\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Medical", + "output": "An elderly married couple scheduled their annual medical examinationthe same day so they could travel together. After the examination, thedoctor then said to the man: \"You appear to be in good health. Do youhave any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?\"\"In fact, I do,\" said the man. \"After I have sex with my wife thefirst time, I am usually hot and sweaty. And then, after I have sexwith my wife the second time, I am usually cold and chilly.\"\"This is very interesting,\" replied the doctor. \"Let me do someresearch and get back to you.\" After examining the elderly lady, thedoctor said: \"Everything appears to be fine. Do you have any medicalconcerns that you would like to discuss with me?\"The lady replied that she had no questions nor concerns. The doctorthan asked: \"Your husband had an unusual concern. He claims that heis usually hot and sweaty after having sex the first time with you andcold and chilly after the second time.... \"Do you know why?\"\"Oh that old buzzard!\" she replied. \"That's because the first time isusually in July and the second time is usually in December.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Men", + "output": "Four men went golfing one day. Three of them headed to the first teeandthe fourth went into the clubhouse to take care of the bill. The three men started talking and bragging about their sons. The first man told the others, \"My son is a home builder, and he is sosuccessful that he gave a friend a new home for free. Just gave it tohim!\" The second man said, \"My son was a car salesman, and now he owns amulti-line dealership. He's so successful that he gave one of hisfriends a new Mercedes, fully loaded.\" The third man, not wanting to be outdone, bragged, \"My son is astockbroker, and he's doing so well that he gave his friend an entireportfolio.\" The fourth man joined them on the tee after a few minutes of takingcare of business. The first man mentioned, \"We were just talking about oursons. How is yours doing?\" The fourth man replied, \"Well, my son is gay and go-go dances in a gaybar.\" The other three men grew silent as he continued, \"I'm not totallythrilled about the dancing job, but he must be doing well. His lastthree boyfriends gave him a house, a brand new Mercedes, and a stockportfolio.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Men", + "output": "Two men were sitting in a bar.One man turned to the other and said,\"I slept with your mother!\"The other man ignored him.A few moments later the man said, more forcefully this time, \"I slept with your mother!!\"The other turned to him and replied,\"Go home Dad, you've had too much to drink.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Men", + "output": "Three men go golfing together one day. When they get to the Third hole, one said to the other, \"How did you manage to get here today past your wife?\"The second man said, \"It wasnt easy. I had to promise my wife that I would paint the full house outside. How did you do it?\"\"Well,\" the second man replied, \"I promised my wife that I would remodel the Kitchen and Bathroom.\"Then, a few holes latter, the first two asked the thrid man how he got here today.\"Easy,\" said the third man. \"I put my alarm on last night for five thirty this morning, and when the alarm went off, I rolled over, tapped my wife on the shoulder and said, 'Golf course or Intercourse.' and she replied back, \" You better take a sweater, I think its going to be cold\" PM" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Men", + "output": "TOP TEN PLACES/TIMES NOT TO GET A WOODY10. With your wife, visiting her sister.9. Golfing with the guys.8. With your wife, and accidently run into your ex-girlfriend.7. Showering with the guys after a basketball game.6. Visiting a friend in the slammer.5. While being pulled over for a traffic citation.4. Shaking hands with your pastor/priest after church.3. In front of your childs 3rd grade class, looking at the teacher, for show and tell.2. Standing on the subway with a bunch of nuns watching you. And the number one time never to get a woody is:1. Your best friend on a guys night out, asks you, \"Hey what do you want to do tonight?\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Men", + "output": "An older couple are playing in the annual club championship. They are playing in a playoff hole and it is down to a 6 inch putt that the wife has to make. She takes her stance and her husband can see her trembling. She putts and misses, they lose the match. On the way home in the car her husband is fuming,\"I can't believe you missed that putt!\" \"That putt was no longer than my 'willy'.\"The wife just looked over at her husband and smiled and said, \"yes dear, but it was much harder!\"." + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Men", + "output": "This newfie, one time, wanted to marry a Shieks daughter in Egypt. So the Shiek said to the Newfie, \"You have to complete three tasks before you can marry here.\"So the newfie replied, \"That sounds good.\"So then the Shiek said, \"There are three tents. In the first tent, there is a forty ounce bottle of rum, which you have to drink in a half hour.\"The newfie replies, \"piece of cake.\"\"In the second tent,\" the Shiek said, \"there is a saber tooth tiger that needs his tooth pulled.\"The Newfie replies, \"EASY.\"\"And in the third tent,\" the Shiek says, \"there is a women that has never been sexually pleasured before, and you have to pleasure her.\"The Newfie replies, \"Not a problem\"So the Newfie walk in the first tent, and a half hour later, he walks out and says, \"Well, that was easy enough, show me the next tent.\"So the Newife walks into the second tent and then the tent started to shake, and strange noises started to sound. A few minutes later, there was silence. The Newfie walks out of the tent, bleeeding and ripped upo clothes and says, \"NOW, wheres that women who wanted her tooth pulled\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Men", + "output": "A cowboy finds himself captured by indians. The indians decide they are going to kill him, and the chief tells the cowboy he may have 3 last requests granted to him. The cowboy walks over to his horse and whispers something in his ear. The horse takes off running, and then returns in 10 minutes with a young, busty blond. The cowboy shrugs, and takes the blond into a nearby teepee. He emerges 10 minutes later. The chief then tells him, he has 2 requests left.The cowboy goes over to his horse again and whispers something in his ear. Again, the horse takes off and returns a short time later, this time with a young, busty brunette. The cowboy looks at her, and shrugs, taking her into a nearby teepee and then comes out 10 minutes later. He is reminded he has one request left.He goes back to his horse and whispers in his other ear 'For the last time, I said bring me MY POSSEE!!'" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Bar Jokes", + "output": "One sunny day in Ireland, two men were sitting in a pub, drinking some Guinness, when one turns to the other and says \"You see that man over there? He looks just like me! I think I'm gonna go over there and talk to him.\"So, he goes over to the man and taps him on the shoulder. \"Excuse me sir\" he starts, \"but I noticed you look just like me!\" The second man turns around and says \"Yeah, I noticed the same thing. Where you from?\"\"I'm from Dublin\" came the reply.\"Me too! What street do you live on?\"\"McCarthy street\"The second man replies, \"Me too! What number is it?\"\"162\" the first man replies.\"Me too! What are your parents names?\"\"Connor and Shannon\"The second man, almost dumbfounded says, \"Mine too! This is unbelievable!\" So, they buy some more Guinness and they're talking some more when the bartenders change shifts. The new bartender comes in and goes up to the other bartender and asks \"What's new today?\"\"Oh nothing much, the Murphy twins are drunk again though.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Medical", + "output": "A man was getting ready for work one morning when his wife looked at him and said, \"What is the matter with you? You look terrible.\" He replied that he felt great. The man went to work where his boss took one look at him and said, \"What is the matter with you? You look terrible.\" The man replied thatthere was nothing wrong with him and that he felt great. The man went to lunch with a client and the client looked at him and said, \"What isthe matter with you? You look terrible.\" The man again replied that he felt great.The client suggested he go to the doctor right away because he looked so bad. The man went to the doctor, and when the doctor walked into theexamining room and saw him the doctor said, \"My god, you look terrible.\"The man explained that everyone was telling him that he looked terriblebut that he felt great. The doctor said, \"Are you sure you feel great?\" The man reiterated thathe definitely felt great! The doctor got out his medical book andlooked up \"looks terrible\". After he found that he looked up thesubsection \"feels great\". The doctor said, \"I found it right here under 'looks terrible, feelsgreat'. The man, at this point very nervous, inquired to the doctor,\"Tell me, what is it?\" The doctor replied, \"According to my book... you're a vagina!\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Men", + "output": "An American woman of 40 wants to get married, but she is only willing to marry a man if he has never been with a woman.After several unsuccessful years of searching, she decides to take out a personal ad. She ends up corresponding with a man who has lived his entire life in the Australian outback. They end up getting married.On their wedding night, she goes into the bathroom. When she returns to the bedroom, she finds her new husband standing in the middle of theroom, naked and all the furniture from the room piled in one corner.\"What happened?\" she asks.\"I've never been with a woman,\" he says, \"but if it's anything like a kangaroo, I'm gonna need all the room I can get.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Men", + "output": "George went on a vacation to the Middle East with most of his familyincluding his mother-in-law.During their vacation and while they were visiting Jerusalem.George'smother-in-law died.With the death certificate in hand, George went to the AmericanConsulate Office to make arrangements to send the body back to theStates for proper burial.The Consul, after hearing of the death of the mother-in-law toldGeorge that the sending of a body back to the States for burial is very,very expensive. It could cost as much as $5,000.00.The Consul continues, in most cases the person responsible for theremains normally decides to bury the body here. This would only cost$150.00.George thinks for some time and answers, \"I don't care how much itwill cost to send the body back; that's what I want to do,\"The Consul, after hearing this, says \"You must have loved yourmother-in-law very much considering the difference in price.\"\"No, it's not that,\" says George. \"You see, I know of a case manyyears ago of a person that was buried here in Jerusalem. On the thirdday he arose from the dead! I just can't take that chance.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Police Jokes", + "output": "A driver tucked a note under her windshield wiper and dashed off: \"I've circled the block for 20 minutes. I'm late for an appointment, and if I don't park here I'll lose my job. Forgive us our trespasses.\" Returning, she came back only to find a parking ticket and this note: \"I've circled the block for 20 years, and if I don't give you a ticket, I'll lose my job... Lead us not into temptation.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Bar Jokes", + "output": "3 men were locked up in jail for 100 years for some terrible crime. They could all have one thing each in jail. The first guy wanted beer, the second guy wanted naked woman and the third guy wanted marijuana. 100 years later they checked up on them. The first guy said \"oh gosh no more beer, full, drunk.\" The second guy said \"oh, the woman fight, well im going gay.\" Then the third guy said \"Does anyone have a lighter?\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Men", + "output": "A guy goes into a pharmacy walks up to the pharmacist and asks him for some condoms. The pharmacist says: \"well they come in packs of 3, 9, and 12\". The kid says: \"well im going to have dinner at her place tonight and after that were going out and i think im gonna get lucky and once she had me she wont be able to get enough, so better make it twelve\". Meanwhile he goes home and gets ready and heads over to her house to have dinner and meet her parents. They sit down ready for dinner and they ask him to say grace. He says it and goes on and on and on... The girl leans over and says: \"you didn't tell me you were such a religious person\", and he leans back and says: \"you didn't tell me your dad was a pharmacist\"." + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Men", + "output": "There was an Englishman,an Irishman and Scotishman siting on the edge of a cliff having a picnic.The Scotishman says \"Oh god i've got ham in my sarndwiches again, if i get ham tomorrow i'll jump off this cliff\".So the Englishman looks in his sandwiches and says \"Oh i've got beef in my sandwiches again,if get beef again i'll jump with ya Scottishman.\"So the Irishman looks in his sandwiches and says \"Oh i've got bloody tuna in my sandwiches again,if i get tuna again i'll join you two guys\".So the next day they all meet at the cliff and check their sandwiches.\"Oh crap,\"says the scottishman,\"i've got ham!\". So he jumps off the cliff.\"Oh bugger,\"says the Englishman,\"i've got beef again!\".So he jumps off the cliff.The Irishman looks in his sandwiches and says\"Bollocks! i've got tuna again!\". So he jumps off too. At the funeral the wifes meet up crying. The English wife says\"I only made him beef because i thought he liked it\".And the Scottish wife says\"Same here only made ham because i thought he liked it\".Then the Irish wife says\"Its not my fault he makes his own sandwiches!\".l" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Aviation", + "output": "Tower: \"Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact departure on 124.7\" Eastern 702: \"Tower, Eastern 702 switching to departure -- by the way, after we lifted off, we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway.\" Tower: \"Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, contact departure on 124.7, did you copy the report from Eastern?\" Continental 635: \"Cleared for takeoff, roger, and yes we copied Eastern and we've already notified our caterers.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Bar Jokes", + "output": "Two Buddies were drinking in a bar one night and had became extreamly drunk. One guy was so drunk that he had got sick all over his shirt. He looks at his buddy and says \"My wife is gonna kill me when I get home,this is a brand new shirt! His buddy looks at him and says \"don't worry,just put $20 in your front pocket and tell her that some guy got sick on you and gave you $20 for the cleaning bill. The guy thinks this is a exellent idea and continues to drink. He closes the bar down and heads home. When he arrives and opens the front door his wife is standing there waiting on him. \"just look at you, you drunk bastard! You even got sick all over yourself\". The man replies \"No baby, it isnt like that some guy got sick on me and look here he gave me $20 for the cleaning bill. She pulls the money out of his pocket and counts it and says \"Wait one minute theres $40 here! The guy looks at her and says \" Oh yea, he crapped in my pants too!" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Bar Jokes", + "output": "A guy comes home completely drunk one night. He lurches through the door and is met by his scowling wife, who is most definitely not happy. \"Where have you been all night?\" she demands. \"At this new bar,\" he says. \"The Golden Saloon. Everything there is golden. It's got huge golden doors, a golden floor and even the urinal's gold!\" The wife still doesn't believe his story, and the next day checks the phone book, finding a place across town called the Golden Saloon. She calls up the place to check her husband's story. \"Is this the Golden Saloon?\" she asks when the bartender answers the phone. \"Yes it is,\" bartender answers. \"Do you have huge golden doors?\" \"Sure do.\" \"Do you have golden floors?\" \"Most certainly do.\" \"What about golden urinals?\" There's a long pause, then the woman hears the bartender yelling, \"Hey, Duke, I think I got a lead on the guy that peed in your saxophone last night!\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Men", + "output": "A middle aged woman stopped at the local grocery store each day for months, she always bought just one large can of dog food. One day the grocery clerk ask the woman what kind of dog she had. She replied, \"I don't have a dog, my husband eats this for his lunch each day and he likes it.\" The clerk said, \"Madam this is not fit for human consumption, it could make him sick, maybe even kill him.\" The woman purchased the dog food anyway and left. This continued daly for months, then she stopped coming into the store. Several week later she stopped in and bought a loaf of bread, the clerk ask if she wanted any dog food, she replied, \"No, my husband passed away several weeks ago.\" The clerk said, \"I tried to warn you, that dog food could kill your husband. The woman said, \"Oh, the dog food had nothing to do with it, he was chasing one car and was hit by a another.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Men", + "output": "A local florist just went out of business, but it was his own fault. He kept getting his orders mixed up. One woman received flowers sent by her husband, who was at a business meeting in Florida. She was perplexed by the message on her card: \"Our deepest sympathy.\" \tBut she was not nearly as surprised as the woman whose husband had just passed away. Her card read, \"Hotter here than I expected. Too bad you didn't come too.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Idiots", + "output": "There were 3 friends stranded on an island. Exploring the island, the 3 men found a bottle so they opened it. A genie came out, and she said that she would grant them 3 wishes. The first man said, \"I wish I was with my family\" and *poof* he was with his family. The second guy said \"I wish I was in a bar with my friends\" and *poof* he was gone. The third guy was feeling bad and the genie asked, \"What's wrong?\" \"The man said, I'm lonely I wish my friends were here.\" Poof, his two friends were back on the island." + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Medical", + "output": "A woman went to the hospital to have her baby. When she was adjusted, the doctor came in and said, \"We have a new program where the father feels the pain\". After about half an hour into labor the father said, \"This is cool, I don't feel anything\". The next day they came home from the hospital and found the milkman dead on the doorstep." + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Men", + "output": "A small white guy gets into an elevator, when he gets in he notices a huge black dude standing next to him. The big dude looks down upon the small guy and says: \"7 foot tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch dick, 3 pound left ball, 3 pound right ball, Turner Brown.\" The small white guy faints! The big dude picks up the small guy, brings him to, slapping his face and shaking him, and asks the guy, \"What's wrong?\" The small white guy says, \"Excuse me but what did you say?\" The big dude looks down and says \"7 foot tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch dick, 3 pound left ball, 3 pound right ball, my name is Turner Brown.\" The small guy says, \"Thank god, I thought you said 'Turn around.'\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Men", + "output": "Two men were fishing in a pond one day and all of a sudden a funeral recession went by. One of the men stood up, took off his hat and stood there until it went completely by. The other guy said \"You know that was really descent of you to do that\". So the other guy said \"Yeh, its the least I could do, after all I've been married to the woman for 30 years\"." + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Men", + "output": "Paddy and Mick were standing at a road junction,they spotted a truck carrying aload of rolled up lawn turfPaddy says to Mick \"aye thats what i,m going to do when I win the lottery\"Mick says \"whats that then Paddy?\"Paddy replies \"send my grass away forcutting\"." + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Crazy Jokes", + "output": "A woman gets on a bus holding her baby. \"That's the ugliest baby I've ever seen,\" says the bus driver. In a huff, the woman slams her fare into the box and takes an aisle seat near the rear of the bus. The man seated next to her senses her agitation and asks what's wrong. \"The bus driver insulted me!\" she shouts. The man replies, \"Well, he's a public servant and shouldn't say things to insult passengers!\" You're right,\" says the woman. \"I think I'll go back up there and give him a piece of my mind!\" \"That's a good idea,\" the man replies. \"Here, let me hold your monkey.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Men", + "output": "This guy who goes to a pub and asks the bar tender for 10 shots of tequilla. The bar tender says \"no thats too much\". The guy tells the bar tender he just found out his brothers gay, so the bar tender says thats understandable. so he gives the guy 10 shots of tequilla. The next day the same guy goes to the pub again and asks the bar tender for 20 shots of tequilla. The bar tender says \"no way, that's too much\". The guy says, \"i just found out that my son's gay\". So the bar tender says thats understandable\", and gives him 20 shots of tequilla. Now the next day the same guy goes to the bar again and asks the bar tender for 30 shots of tequilla. The bar tender at this stage gets angry and says to the guy, \"what's the matter, does no one in ya house like women\", to which the guy replies, \"yeah my wife\"." + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Men", + "output": "An avid golfer dies and goes to heaven. He is met by St. Peter who tells him, \"Welcome to Heaven. I know you will be pleased to know that this is the best golf course in the universe!\" The man's eyes turn cloudy. St. Peter says, \"And the weather here is always good.\" A tear begins to form in the man's eye. St. Peter says, \"And there is never any lines of people when you want to golf.\" A tear starts dropping from the man's other eye. St. Peter hurriedly says, \"And your drives go at least 50 yards further up here.\" The man is now sniffling. St. Peter then says, \"And you will never have more than two puts on any of the greens.\" The man is now sobbing uncontrollably. St. Peter asks, \"Hey, what is the matter with you? I thought you would be overjoyed. Why the tears?\" The man answers, \"If my wife hadn't fed me all of that healthy food, I would have been here five years earlier!\"." + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Children", + "output": "A priest at a parochial school, wanting to point out the proper behavior for church, was trying to elicit from the youngsters rules that their parents might give before taking them to a nice restaurant. \"Don't play with your food,\" one second-grader cited. \"Don't be loud,\" said another, and so on. \"And what rule do your parents give you before you go out to eat?\" the priest inquired of one little boy. Without batting an eye, the child replied, \"Order something cheap.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Men", + "output": "How Dogs and Men Are the Same1. Both take up too much space on the bed.2. Both have irrational fears about vacuum cleaning.3. Both mark their territory.4. Neither tells you what's bothering them.5. The smaller ones tend to be more nervous.6. Both have an inordinate fascination with women's crotches.7. Neither does any dishes.8. Both fart shamelessly.9. Neither of them notice when you get your hair cut.10. Both like dominance games.11. Both are suspicious of the postman.12. Neither understands what you see in cats.How Dogs Are Better Than Men1. Dogs do not have problems expressing affection in public.2. Dogs miss you when you're gone.3. Dogs feel guilty when they've done something wrong.4. Dogs admit when they're jealous.5. Dogs are very direct about wanting to go out.6. Dogs do not play games with you, except fetch (and they never laugh at how you throw).7. You can train a dog.8. Dogs are easy to buy for.9. The worst social disease you can get from dogs is fleas (OK, really, the worst disease you can get from them is rabies, but there's a vaccine for it and you can kill the one that gives it to you).10. Dogs understand what \"no\" means.11. Dogs mean it when they kiss you." + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Medical", + "output": "Two guys are drinking together at a bar and go into the bathroom. Standing at the latrine, Bill notices that his buddy is very well endowed. \"Wasn't always that way,\" the buddy says. \"It's a transplant. I had it done over on Harley Street. It cost a thousand bucks, but as you can see, it's well worth every cent.\" So Bill visits the doctor on Harley Street that day. Six months later, the two guys meet up again at the bar. Bill explains, \"I took your advice, but you were robbed. I got mine for $500, not a thousand.\" They go back to the restroom to compare. \"No wonder,\" his buddy says, \"That's my old one!\"." + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Men", + "output": "A man decides to have a face lift for his birthday. He spends $5,000 and feels really good about the result. On his way home he pops into the newsagent and buys a paper. Before leaving he says to the newsagent \"I hope you don't mind me asking, but how old do you think I am?\" \"About 35\" was the reply. \"I'm actually 47 years old\" the man says, feeling really happy. After that he goes into the Fish & Chip shop to celebrate. Before leaving, he asks the same question, to which the reply is \"Oh, you look about 29\" This makes him feel really good. Whilst standing at the bus stop he asks an old woman the same question. She replies \"I am 85 years old and my eyesight is going. But when I was young there was a sure way of telling a mans age. If I put my hand down your trousers and play with your balls for ten minutes I will be able to tell your exact age.\" Being as there was nobody around the man thought what the hell and let her slip her hand down his trousers. Ten minutes later the old lady says \"You are 47 years old.\" Stunned the man says, \"That was brilliant. How did you do that?\" The old lady replies, \"I was behind you in the Fish & Chip shop\"." + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Men", + "output": "When the end of the world comes, everybody on earth goes to heaven. God comes and says, \"I want the men to make two lines. One line for the men that dominated their women on earth and the other line for the men that were dominated by their women. Also, I want all the women to go with St. Peter.\" With that said and done, the next time God looked, the women are gone and there are two lines. The line of the men that were dominated by their women was 100 miles long, and in the line of men that dominated their women, there was only one man. God became angry and said, \"You men should be ashamed of yourselves. I created you in my image and you were all whipped by your mates. Look at the only one of my sons that stood up and made me proud. Learn from him! Tell them my son, how did you manage to be the only one in this line?\" And the man replied, \"I don't know, my wife told me to stand here.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Men", + "output": "Men are like.....Floor tile.Lay them right the first time and you can walk on them for a lifetime. Men are like.....Placemats. They only show up when there's food on the table. Men are like.....Mascara.They usually run at the first sign of emotion. Men are like.....Bike helmets.Handy in an emergency, but otherwise they just look silly. Men are like.....Government bonds.They take so long to mature. Men are like.....Parking spots.The good ones are taken, and the rest are too small. Men are like.....Copiers.You need them for reproduction, but that's about it. Men are like.....Lava lamps.Fun to look at, but not all that bright. Men are like.....Bank accounts.Without a lot of money, they don't generate much interest. Men are like.....High heels.They're easy to walk on once you get the hang of it.Men are like.....Curling irons.They're always hot, and they're always in your hair. Men are like.....Mini skirts.If you're not careful, they'll creep up your legs. Men are like.....Bananas.The older they get, the less firm they are." + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Business", + "output": "The stockbroker's secretary answered his phone one morning. \"I'm sorry,\" she said, \"Mr. Bradford's on another line.\" \"This is Mr. Ingram's office,\" the caller said. \"We'd like to know if he's bullish or bearish right now.\" \"He's talking to his wife,\" the secretary replied. \"Right now I'd say he's sheepish.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Business", + "output": "A man sent his clothing out to the local laundry. When it came back there were still stains on his underwear. The next week he enclosed a note saying, \"Use more soap on underwear.\" This went on for several weeks, with the underwear returning stained, and the man sending the note, \"Use more soap on underwear.\" Finally the laundry came back with a note from the laundry man: \"Use more paper on rear.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Men", + "output": "Sitting at home one night with his wife, a man is casually tossing peanuts into the air and catching them in his mouth. As the couple take in the latest episode of their favorite program, the man loses concentration for a split second, and a peanut goes into his ear. He tries to get it out, but succeeds only in forcing the thing in awfully deep. After a few hours of fruitless rooting the couple decide to go to the hospital, but on their way out of the front door they meet their daughter coming in with her boyfriend. The boyfriend takes control of the situation; he tells them he's studying medicine and that they're not to worry about a thing. He then sticks two fingers up the man's nose and asks him to blow, and low and behold, the nut shoots from the ear and out across the room. As the daughter and her boyfriend go through to the kitchen to get drinks, the man and his wife sit down to discuss their luck. \"So\" the wife says, \"what do you think he'll become after he finishes school? A GP or a surgeon?\" \"Well says the man, rubbing his nose, \"by the smell of his fingers, I think he's likely to be our son-in-law.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Men", + "output": "One day a man walks into a dentist's office and asks how much it will cost to extract wisdom teeth. \"Eighty dollars,\" the dentist says. \"That's a ridiculous amount,\" the man says. \"Isn't there a cheaper way?\" \"Well,\" the dentist says, \"if you don't use an anaesthetic, I can knock it down to $60.\" \"That's still too expensive,\" the man says. \"Okay,\" says the dentist. \"If I save on anesthesia and simply rip the teeth out with a pair of pliers, I could get away with charging $20.\" \"Nope,\" moans the man, \"it's still too much.\" \"Hmm,\" says the dentist, scratching his head. \"If I let one of my students do it for the experience, I suppose I could charge you just $10.\" \"Marvelous,\" says the man, \"book my wife for next Tuesday!\"." + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Men", + "output": "70-year-old George went for his annual physical. All of his tests came back with normal results. Dr. Smith said, \"George, everything looks great physically. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with yourself, and do you have a good relationship with your God?\" George replied, \"God and me are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so He's fixed it so that when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, poof! the light goes on when I pee, and then poof! the light goes off when I'm done.\" \"Wow,\" commented Dr. Smith, \"That's incredible!\" A little later in the day Dr. Smith called George's wife. \"Thelma,\" he said, \"George is just fine. Physically he's great. But I had to call because I'm in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night and poof! the light goes on in the bathroom and then poof! the light goes off?\" George's wife exclaimed, \"That old fool! He's peeing in the refrigerator again!\"." + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Medical", + "output": "A man was in a terrible accident, and his \"manhood\" was mangled and torn from his body. His doctor assured him that modern medicine could give him back his manhood, but that his insurance wouldn't cover the surgery, since it was considered cosmetic. The doctor said that the cost would be $3500 for small, $6500 for medium, and $14,000 for large. The man was sure he wanted a large, but the doctor urged him to talk it over with his wife before he made any decision. The man called his wife on the phone and explained their options. The doctor came back into the room, and found the man looking quite dejected. \"Well, what have the two of you decided?\" asked the doctor. The man answered, \"She'd rather remodel the kitchen.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Men", + "output": "A guy walks into a bar with a frog on his forehead and says \"Bartender give me a scotch on the rocks.\" The bartender returns with the drink, and being kind of curious about the pair, asks: \"If you don't mind my asking, how'd you end up with that thing on you?\" Immediately the frog replies, \"I don't know, it started out as a wart on my ass!\"." + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Food Jokes", + "output": "A waiter brings the customer the steak he ordered, with his thumb over the meat as he is carrying the plate. \"Are you crazy?\" yelled the customer, \"you have your hand on my steak!\" \"What,\" answers the waiter, \"you want it to fall on the floor again?\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Men", + "output": "A guy is standing at a urinal when he notices that he's being watched bya midget. Although the little fellow is staring at him intently, the guydoesn't get uncomfortable until the midget drags a small stepladder up next to him, climbs it, and proceeds to admire his privates at close range. \"Wow!\" comments the midget. \"Those are the nicest balls I have ever seen!\" Surprised and flattered-the man thanks the midget and starts to move away. \"Listen, I know this is a rather strange request,\" says the little fellow, \"but I wonder if you would mind if I touched them?\" Again the man is rather startled, but seeing no real harm in it, he obliges the request. The midget reaches out, gets a tight grip on theman's balls, and says, \"Okay, hand over your wallet or I'll jump!\" ** Shibu **" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Men", + "output": "There are two guys that are trying to get a quick 18 holes, but there are 2 terrible lady golfers in front of them hitting the ball everywhere but where it's supposed to go. The first guy says: \"Why don't you go over and ask if we can play through?\"The second guy gets about halfway there and comes back. The first guy asks what's wrong?He says: \"One of them is my wife, and the other one is my mistress.\"The first guy says: \"That could be a problem. I'll go over.\" He gets about half way there and comes back.The second guy asks what's wrong?The first guy answers: \"Small world!\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Food Jokes", + "output": "A woman`s garden is growing beautifully but the darn tomatoes won`t ripen. There`s a limit to the number of uses for green tomatoes and she`s getting tired of it. So she goes to her neighbor and says, \"Your tomatoes are ripe, mine are green. What can I do about it?\" Her neighbor replies, \"Well, it may sound absurd but here`s what to do. Tonight there`s no moon. After dark go out into your garden and take all your clothes off. Tomatoes can see in the dark and they`ll be embarrassed and blush. In the morning they`ll all be red, you`ll see.\" Well, what the heck? She does it. Next day her neighbor asks how it worked. \"So-so,\" she answers. \"The tomatoes are still green but the cucumbers are all four inches longer.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Aviation", + "output": "A man was in an airplane, and waiting for the men's room to be free. After Half an hour, he asked a flight attendent if he could use the lady's restroom. The women said yes but told him not to touch to the buttons on the wall. He then went in the cabin. On the wall next to him were for buttons. He couldn't resist and pressed on the first one. Water started spraying from the toilet, cleaning his ass. He was so amazed by that, that he pushed on the second button. Then it was hot air that came out of the toilet, drying his ass. Astonished by that cool technology, he pressed on the third button. Powder popped out, leaving his buttocks soft and smelling good. He finally looked at the last button. The letters A.T.R. were inscribed on it. Without even asking himself what it ment, he pressed on it. Ne next thing he knew, he was in a hospital, surrounded by doctors and nurses. His waist war wrapped in a tissue and there was blood everywhere. He looked at one of the doctors and asked him what happened. The doctor told him that he pressed on the A.T.R. button. The man asked him what it standed for. The doctor ansewred: \"Automatic Tampon Remover.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Men", + "output": "4 men went golfing one day. Three headed to the first tee while the other went to the clbhouse to take care of the bill. The three men started bragging about their sons. The first man told the others, \"My son is a home builder, and he is so successful that he gavea friend a new home for free.\" The second man said, \"My son was a car salesman, and now he owns a multi-line dealership. He's so successful that he gave a friend a brand new mercedes, fully loaded.\" The third man not wanting to be outdone, bragged, \"My son is a stockbroker, and is so successful that he gave a friend an entire portfolio.\" The fourth man joined them on the tee after a few minutes of taking caring of business. The first man mentioned, \"We were just talking about our sons.How is yours doing?\" The fourth man replied, \"Well my son is gay and and dances in a gay bar.\" The others grew silent as he continued, \"I'm not tottally thrilled about the dancing job, but he must be doing good. His last three boyfriends gave him a house, a stock portfolio anda brand new mercedes.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Men", + "output": "While escaped, a convict broke into a house and tied up a young couple who had been sleeping in the bedroom. As soon as he had a chance, the husband turned to his voluptuous young wife, bound up on the bed in a skimpy nightgown, and whispered, \"Honey, this guy hasn't seen a woman in years. Just cooperate with anything he wants. If he wants to have sex with you, just go along with it and pretend you like it. Our lives depend on it.\" \"Dear,\" the wife hissed, spitting out her gag, \"I'm so relieved you feel that way, because he just told me he thinks you are really cute!\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Redneck", + "output": "A guy was on trial for murder and if convicted, would get the electric chair. His brother found out that a red neck was on the jury and figured he would be the one to bribe. He told the red neck that he would be paid $10,000 if he could convince the rest of the jury to reduce the charge to manslaughter. The jury was out an entire week and returned with a verdict of manslaughter. After the trial, the brother went to the red neck's house, told him what a great job he had done and paid him the $10,000. The red neck replied that it wasn't easy to convince the rest of the jury to change the charge to manslaughter. They all wanted to let him go." + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Redneck", + "output": "Two boys from the mountains, Leroy and Jasper have been promoted from privates to sergeants.Not long after, they're out for a walk and Leroy says, \"Hey Jasper, there's the NCO Club. Let's you and me stop in.\"\"But we's privates,\" protests Jasper.\"We's sergeants now, \"says Leroy, pulling him inside.\"Now, Jasper, I'm a-gonna sit down and have me a drink.\"\"But we's privates,\" says Jasper. \"Are you blind, boy?\" asks Leroy, pointing at his stripes. \"We's sergeants now.\"So they have their drink, and pretty soon a hooker comes up to Leroy. \"You're cute,\" she says, \"and I'd like to date you, but I've got a bad case of gonorrhea.\"Leroy pulls his friend to the side and whispers, \"Jasper, go look in the dictionary and see what gonorrhea means. If it's okay, give me the okay sign.\" So Jasper goes to look it up, comes back, and gives Leroy the big okay sign. Three weeks later Leroy is laid up in the infirmary with a terrible case of gonorrhea. \"Jasper,\" he says, \"why did you give me the okay sign?\"\"Well, Leroy, in the dictionary, it says gonorrhea affects only the privates.\" He points to his stripes. \"But we's sergeants now!\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Redneck", + "output": "A guy was duck hunting in Alabama when the park ranger walks up,\"Afternoon sir\", the ranger says, \"You got an Alabama duck hunting license\"?\"Yes I do\", the redneck replies.The ranger picks up one of the ducks and sticks a finger up it's bum and takes a lick of his finger then says, \"Sorry but this ducks from Georgia, you got a Georgia license?\"\"Yes I do sir\" , the redneck says,So the ranger picks up another duck with the same results says, \"well this duck is from Mississippi, you got a license from Mississippi?\"\"Yes I do sir\" the good ole boys says.\"Well dang son where you from?\" the ranger says.The old boy stands up turns around, drops his drawers and says:\"Well you tell me buddy!\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Redneck", + "output": "Bob says to Lester, \"You know, I reckon I'm about ready for a vacation, only this year I'm gonna do it a little different. The last few years, I took your advice as to where to go. Two years ago you said to go to Hawaii, I went to Hawaii, and Marie got pregnant. Then last year, you told me to go to the Bahamas, I went to the Bahamas, and Marie got pregnant again.\" Lester says, \"So what you gonna do different this year?\" Bob says, \"This year, I'm takin' Marie with me...\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Redneck", + "output": "The chief of staff of the US Air Force decided that he would personally intervene in the recuiting crisis affecting all of our armed services. So, he directed that a nearby Air Force base be opened and that all elgible young men and women be invited. As he and his staff were standing near an brand new F-15 Fighter, a pair of twin brothers who looked like they had just stepped off a Marine Corps recruiting poster walked up to them. The chief of staff walked up to them, stuck out his hand and introduced himself. He looked at the first young man and asked, \"Son, what skills can you bring to the Air Force?\" The young man looks at him and says, \"I pilot!\" The general gets all excited, turns to his aide and says, \"Get him in today, all the paper work done, everything, do it!\" The aide hustles the young man off. The general looks at the second young man and asks, \"What skills to you bring to the Air Force?\" The young man says, \"I chop wood!\" \"Son,\" the general replies, \"we don't need wood choppers in the Air Force, what do you know how to do?\" \"I chop wood!\" \"Young man,\" huffs the general, \"you are not listening to me, we don't need wood choppers, this is the 20th century!\" \"Well,\" the young man says, \"you hired my brother!\" \"Of course we did,\" says the general, \"he's a pilot!\" The young man rolls his eyes and says, \"Dang it, I have to chop it before he can pile it!\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Redneck", + "output": "Two redneck hunters were dragging their dead deer back to their pickemup truck. Another hunter approached pulling his along too. \"Hey,\" says the lone hunter, \"I don't want to tell you how to do something... but I can tell you that it's much easier if you drag the deer in the opposite direction. Then the antlers won't dig into the ground.\" After the lone hunter left, the two rednecks decided to give it a try. A little while later one says to the other, \"Ya know, that guy was right. This is a lot easier!\" \"Yep,\" the other added, \"but we're gittin' further away from the truck....\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Redneck", + "output": "An Irishman in a wheelchair rolls into a bar and asks the waitress for a cup of coffee. He then looks over at the bar and asks the waitress, \"Is that Jesus?\" The waitress says that it is, so the Irishman says, \"Give him a cup of coffee... I'll pay.\" A few minutes later, an Englishman with a humped back walks in and asks the waitress for a cup of tea. He then asks the waitress, \"Hey... is that Jesus over there?\" The waitress nods and so the Englishman says, \"Give 'im a cup of tea... on me.\" A few minutes later, a Redneck walks in on a pair of crutches. He says, \"Hey, sweet thang... how's 'bout an ice-cold coke. Holy smokes... is that Jesus?\" The waitress says, \"Sure is.\" So, the Redneck says, \"Give the ol' boy a coke... put it on my tab.\" Later, Jesus gets up to leave, walks over to the Irishman, touches him and says, \"For your kindness, you are healed.\" The Irishman gets up out of his wheelchair and dances a jig out of the door. Jesus walks over to the Englishman, touches him and says, \"For your kindness, you are healed.\" The Englishman stretches out his back and does backflips out the door. Jesus walks over to the Redneck. Then, the Redneck gets up, backs away, and says, \"Stay away from me... I'm drawin' disability!\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Redneck", + "output": "Dear Son, I'm writing this slow 'cause I know you can't read fast. We don't live where we did when you left. Your dad read in the paper that most accidents happen within twenty miles of home, so we moved. Won't be able to send you the address as the last Arkansas family that lived here took the numbers with them for their house, so they wouldn't have to change their address. This place has a washing machine. The first day I put four shirts in it, pulled the chain and haven't seen 'em since. It only rained twice this week, three days the first time and four days the second time. The coat you wanted me to send to you, Aunt Sue said it would be a little too heavy to send in the mail with them heavy buttons, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets. We got a bill from the funeral home, and it said if we didn't make the final payment on Grandma's funeral bill, up she comes. About your sister, she had a baby this morning. I haven't found out whether if it is a boy or girls so don 't know if you are an Aunt or Uncle. Your Uncle John fell in the whiskey vat. Some men tried to get him out, but he fought them off playfully, so he drowned. We cremated him and he burned for three days. Three of your friends went off the bridge in a pickup. One was driving and the other two were in the back. The driver got out. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. The other 2 drowned. They couldn't get the tailgate down. Not much more news this time. Nothing much happened. If you don't get this letter, please let me know and I will send another one.Love, Ma" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Redneck", + "output": "A husband is at home watching a football game when his wife interrupts, \"Honey, could you fix the light in the hallway? It's been flickering for weeks now.\" He looks at her and says angrily, \"Fix the light? Now? Does it look like I have a G.E. logo printed on my forehead? I don't think so.\" \"Well then, could you fix the fridge door? It won't close right.\" To which he replied, \"Fix the fridge door? Does it look like I have Westinghouse written on my forehead? I don't think so.\" \"Fine,\" she says, \"Then could you at least fix the steps to the front door? They're about to break.\" \"I'm not a damn carpenter and I don't want to fix the steps,\" he says. \"Does it look like I have Ace Hardware written on my forehead? I don't think so. I've had enough of you. I'm going to the bar!\" So he goes to the bar and drinks for a couple hours. He starts to feel guilty about how he treated his wife, and decides to go home and help out. As he walks into the house, he notices the steps are already fixed. As he enters the house, he sees the hall light is working. As he goes to get a beer, he notices the fridge door is fixed. \"Honey, how'd this all get fixed?\" She said, \"Well, when you left, I sat outside and cried. Just then a nice young man asked me what was wrong, and I told him. He offered to do all the repairs, and all I had to do was either screw him or bake him a cake.\" He said, \"So, what kind of cake did you bake him?\" She replied, \"Hellooooo... Do you see Betty Crocker written on my forehead?\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Redneck", + "output": "The big game hunter walked in the bar and bragged to everyone about his hunting skills. The man was undoubtedly a good shot and no one could dispute that. But then he said that they could blindfold him and he would recognize any animal's skin from its feel, and if he could locate the bullet hole he would even tell them what calibre the bullet was that killed the animal. The hunter said that he was willing to prove it if they would put up the drinks, and so the bet was on. They blindfolded him carefully and took him to his first animal skin. After feeling it for a few moments, he announced \"Bear.\" Then he felt the bullet hole and declared, \"Shot with a .308 rifle.\" He was right.They brought him another skin, one that someone had in their car trunk. He took a bit longer this time and then said, \"Elk, Shot with a 7mm Mag rifle. He was right again. Through the night, he proved his skills again and again, every time against a round of drinks. Finally he staggered home, drunk out of his mind,and went to sleep. The next morning he got up and saw in the mirror that he had one hell of a shiner. He said to his wife, \"I know I was drunk last night, but not drunk enough to get in a fight and not remember it. Where did I get this blackeye?\" His wife angrily replied, \"I gave it to you. You got into bed and put your hand down my panties. Then you fiddled around a bit and loudly announced, \"Skunk, killed with an axe.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Redneck", + "output": "Billy Bob and Luther were talking one afternoon when Billy Bob tellsLuther, \"Ya know, I reckon I'm 'bout ready for a vacation. Only thisyear I'm gonna do it a little different!The last few years, I took your advice about where to go. Three yearsago you said to go to Hawaii. I went to Hawaii and Earline got pregnant.Then two years ago, you told me to go to the Bahamas, and Earline gotpregnant again. Last year you suggested Tahiti and darned if Earlinedidn't get pregnant again.\"Luther asks Billy Bob, \"So, what you gonna do this year that'sdifferent?\"Billy Bob says, \"This year I'm taking Earline with me.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Redneck", + "output": "The first grade class gathered around the teacher for a game of \"Guess the Animal\". The first picture the teacher held up was of a cat. \"Okay, boys and girls,\" she said brightly, \"can anyone tell me what this is?\" \"I know, I know, it's a cat!\" yelled a little boy.\"Very good, Eddie. Now, who knows what this animal is called?\" \"That's a dog!\" piped up the same little boy.\"Right, again. And what about this animal?\" she asked, holding up a picture of a deer.Silence fell over the class. After a minute or two, the teacher said, \"I'll give you a hint, children...it's something you're mother calls your father\".\"I know, I know,\" screamed Eddie. It's a horny bastard!\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Redneck", + "output": "A Jewish family invited their redneck neighbors over for holiday dinner. The first course was set in front of them and their hostess announced, \"This is soup made with matzo balls.\" Seeing two large matzo balls in the soup, the redneck man was very hesitant to taste this strange looking brew. The Jewish couple gently urged him to try it. \"Just give it a taste. If you don't like it, you don't have to finish it,\" they said reassuringly. Finally, he agreed to give it a try. He dug his spoon in, picked up a small piece of matzo ball with some soup in the spoon, and gingerly tasted it. The usual 'mmmm' sound could be heard coming from somewhere deep in his chest, and he quickly finished the soup. \"I must say, that was quite delicious,\" he said, \"but I was wondering….Are there other parts of the matzo you can eat?\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Redneck", + "output": "karl was telling his buddies back on the farm about his first visit to a big city church. \"When I got there, they made me park my old pick-up in the corral,\" he began. \"You mean in the parking lot,\" interrupted Jeb, a more worldly fellow. \"Then I walked up the trail to the door,\" karl continued. \"The sidewalk to the door,\" Jeb corrected. \"Inside the door, I was met by some dude,\" karl went on. \"That would be the usher,\" explained Jeb. \"Well, the usher led me down the chute,\" said karl. \"You mean the aisle,\" Jeb said. \"Then, he led me to a stall and told me to sit there,\" continued karl. \"Pew,\" retorted Jeb. \"Yeah,\" karl recalled. \"That's exactly what the pretty lady said when I sat down beside her.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Redneck", + "output": "Arkansas State Residency Application ARKANSAS STATE RESIDENCY APPLICATION Name:(_) Billy-Bob (last) (_) Billy-Joe (_) Billy-Ray (_) Billy-Sue (_) Billy-Mae (_) Billy-Jack (_) Billy-Jefferson (Check appropriate box) Age: ____ Sex: ____ M _____ F _____ N/A Shoe Size: ____ Left ____ Right Occupation: (_)Farmer (_)Mechanic (_)Hair Dresser (_)Unemployed Spouse's Name: __________________________ Relationship with spouse: (_) Sister (_) Brother (_) Aunt (_) Uncle (_) Cousin (_) Mother (_) Father (_) Son (_) Daughter (_) Pet Number of children living in household: ___ Number that are yours: ___ Mother's Name: _______________________ Father's Name: _______________________ (If not sure, leave blank) Education: 1 2 3 4 (Circle highest grade completed) Do you (_)own or (_)rent your mobile home? (Check appropriate box) ___ Total number of vehicles you own ___ Number of vehicles that still crank ___ Number of vehicles in front yard ___ Number of vehicles in back yard ___ Number of vehicles on cement blocks Firearms you own and where you keep them: ____ truck ____ bedroom ____ bathroom ____ kitchen ____ shed Model and year of your pickup: ___________194_ Newspapers/magazines you subscribe to: (_)The National Enquirer (_)The Globe (_)TV Guide (_)Soap Opera Digest ___ Number of times you've seen a UFO ___ Number of times you've seen Elvis ___ Number of times you've seen Elvis in a UFO How often do you bathe: (_)Weekly (_)Monthly (_)Not Applicable Color of teeth: (_)Yellow (_)Brownish-Yellow (_)Brown (_)Black (_)N/A Brand of chewing tobacco you prefer: (_)Red-Man How far is your home from a paved road? (_)1 mile (_)2 miles (_)don't know" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Redneck", + "output": "Three dead bodies turn up at the mortuary, all with very big smiles on their faces. The coroner calls the police to tell them what has happened. \"First body: Frenchman, 60, died of heart failure while making love tohis mistress. Hence the enormous smile, Inspector\", says the Coroner. \"Second body: \"Scotsman, 25, won a thousand dollars on the lottery, spent it all on whisky. Died of alcohol poisoning, hence the smile.\" The Inspector asked, \"What of the third body?\" \"Ah,\" says the coroner, \"this is the most unusual one. Billy-Bob the redneck from Oklahoma, 30, struck by lightning.\" \"Why is he smiling then?\" inquires the Inspector. \"Thought he was having his picture taken.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Redneck", + "output": "You know yours is a Red Neck Church if:Upon learning that Jesus fed the 5000, the men want to know whether the two fish were bass or catfish, and what bait was used to catch 'em. The finance committee refuses to provide funds for the purchase of a chandelier because none of the members knows how to play one. The pastor says, \"I'd like to ask Bubba to help take up the offering.\" Then five guys and two women stand up. Opening day of deer season is recognized as an official church holiday. A member of the church requests to be buried in his 4-wheel-drive truck because \"It ain't never been in a hole it couldn't get out of.\" The choir is known as the \"OK Chorale.\" In a congregation of 500 members, there are only seven last names in the church directory. Baptism is referred to as \"Branding.\" There is a special bake sale to raise funds for a new church septic tank. High notes on the organ set the dogs on the floor to howling. The baptismal is a #2 galvanized wash tub. The choir robes were donated by Billy Bob's Bar-B-Q, and areembroidered with his logo. The collection plates are really hubcaps from a '56 Chevy." + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Redneck", + "output": "You might be a Redneck Jedi if...You ever heard the phrase, \"May the force be with y'all.\"Your Jedi robe is camouflage.You have ever used your light saber to open a bottle of BudLight.At least one wing of your X-Wings is primer colored.You can easily describe the taste of an Ewok.You have ever had a land-speeder up on blocks in your yard.The worst part of spending time on Dagobah is the dadgumskeeters.Wookies are offended by your B.O.You have ever used the force to get yourself another beer so youdidn't have to wait for a commercial.You have ever used the force in conjunction with fishing/bowling.Your father has ever said to you, \"Shoot, son come on over to thedark side...it'll be a hoot.\"You have ever had your R-2 unit use its self-defenseelectro-shock thingy to get the barbecue grill to light.You have a confederate flag painted on the hood of yourland-speeder.You ever fantasized about Princess Leah wearing Daisy Dukeshorts.You have the doors of your X-wing welded shut and you have to getin through the window.Although you had to kill him, you kinda thought that Jabba theHutt had a pretty good handle on how to treat his women.You have a cousin who bears a strong resemblance to Chewbacca.You suggested that they outfit the Millennium Falcon with redwooddeck.You were the only person drinking Jack Daniels during the cantinascene.If you hear . . . \"Luke, I am your father . . . and your uncle.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Redneck", + "output": "Dear son, Im writing this slow cause i know you cant read fast. Your pop read that all accidents happen within 20 miles of home so we moved. Can't send you the address as the last arkansas family that lived here took the numbers with them so they wouldnt have to change their address. That coat you wanted, aunt billy-mae said it was too heavy with them buttons, so we took them off and put them in the pockets. Your sister had a baby yester morn. Don't know if its a boy or girl so dont know if youre an aunt or uncle. Three of your friends went off the bridge last week. One was drivig the other two were in the back. The driver lived, he rolled down the window and swam to safety. The other two drowned, they coulnt get the talegate down. Please write back. It you dont get this letter, let me know and i will send another one. Love, ma" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Redneck", + "output": "The governors of Alabama, South Carolina, Arkansas, Georgia, and Mississippi announced today that they have made a disturbingdiscovery in their states. Apparently, a small number of Al Qaeda terrorists have become romantically involved with local redneck girls. The result is not pretty and they now have the sad task of reporting the creation of a new sector of the human race: Islamabubbas. So far, only a smattering of actual births have been reported, butPat Robertson's Christian Coalition is hard at work trying to isolateand seal them off. To date, the Coalition has identified the followingchildren: Mohammed Billy Bob Abba BubbaMohammed Jethro Bin Thinkin BouditMohammed Forrest Gumpa BubbaMohammed Rubba Dub Dubba BubbaBobbie Joe Bubba Amgood AtatBetty Jean Hasbeena BadgurlLinda Sue Bin There Dundat Not surprisingly, the Coalition believes they all seem to havesprung from one couple: Mohammed Whoozyadaddy and Yomamma Bin Lovin." + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Redneck", + "output": "A couple of rednecks are out in the woods hunting when one of themsuddenly grabs his chest and falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls 911.He gasps to the operator, \"I think Bubba is dead! What should I do?\"The operator, in a calm soothing voice says, \"Just take it easy andfollow my instructions. First, let's make sure he's dead.\"There is a silence, and then a shot is heard. The guy's voice comes back on the line, \"Okay, he's dead.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Redneck", + "output": "DEAR REDNECK SON, I'm writing this letter slow because I know you can't read fast. We don't live where we did when you left home. Your dad read in the newspaper that most accidents happen within 20 miles from home, so we moved. I won't be able to send you the address because the last Arkansas family that lived here took the house numbers when they moved so they wouldn't have to change their address. This place is really nice. It even has a washing machine. I'm not sure it works so well though. Last week I put a load in and pulled the chain and haven't seen them since. The weather isn't bad here. It only rained twice last week, the first time for three days and the second time for four days. About that coat you wanted me to send you, your Uncle Stanley said it would be to heavy to send in the mail with the buttons on, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets. John locked his keys in the car yesterday. We were really worried because it took him two hours to get me and your father out. Your sister had a baby this morning, but I haven't found out what it is yet so I don't know if your an aunt or an uncle. The baby looks just like your brother. Uncle Ted fell in a whiskey vat last week. Some men tried to pull him out, but he fought them off playfully and drowned. We had him cremated and he burned for three days. Three of your friends ran off a bridge in a pick-up truck. Ralph was driving. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. Your other two friends were in back. They drowned because they couldn't get the tailgate down. There isn't much more news at this time. Nothing much has happened. Love, Mom P. S. I was going to send you some money, but the envelope was already sealed." + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Redneck", + "output": "Three rednecks, Bubba, Earl and Jeb, were stumbling home late one night and found themselves on the road that led past the old graveyard.\"Come have a look over here\", says Bubba, \"It's Zeb Jones' grave, God bless his soul, he lived to the ripe old age of 87.\"\"That's nothing\", says Earl, \"here's one named Butch Smith. It says here that he was 95 when he died.\"Just then, Jeb yells out, \"But here's a fella that died when he was 145 years old!\"\"What was his name?\" asks Bubba.Jeb lights a match to see what else is written on the stone marker, and exclaims, \"Miles, from Georgia.\"." + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Crazy Jokes", + "output": "From a passenger ship, everyone can see a thin bearded man on a small island, shouting and desperately waving his hands. \"Who is it on that island?\" a passenger asks the captain. \"I have no idea... but every year when we pass, he goes nuts like that.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Redneck", + "output": "The two finalists were a Yale graduate and a redneck. The final contest was for them to make a poem in 2 minutes containing a word that would be given to them by the judges. The word was \"TIMBUKTU\". The Yale graduate was the first to give his poem: Slowly across the desert sand, Trekked a lonely caravan. Men on camels two by two, Destination Timbuktu. The audience went wild. They thought the redneck would never stand a chance against him-a YALE graduate. Nevertheless, the redneck stood up and gave his poem: Me and Tim a hunting went, Met three whores in a pop-up tent. They were three and we were two, So I bucked one and Timbuktu. The redneck won hands down." + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Children", + "output": "Little Johnny, Billy and Tommy were walking home from school one warm spring day. As they were cutting through the alleys and backyards, they happened to look through a hole in the fence of one of the yards where a woman was sunbathing in the nude. As they looked through the hole, Johnny suddenly started to scream, left his friends and took off running for home. The next day, as the three boys came home again, they found the same hole in the fence and started to watch the woman. Again, after just a few minutes, Johnney started screaming and ran off quickly. On the third day, the boys were peeping into the hole in the fence again after school, when Johnny turned around and started to run again. But this time, Bill and Tommy grabbed him and demanded to know what was wrong. Johnny replied, \"My mother told me that if I ever looked at a naked woman, I would turn to stone... And I started to feel a part of me getting awfully hard \"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Children", + "output": "A little boy and his dad were walking down the street whan they saw two dogs having sex. The little boy asks his father: \"Daddy, what are they doing?\" The father says: \"They are Making a puppy\". So they walk on and go home.A few days later, the little boy walks in on his parents having sex. The little boy says: \"Daddy, what are you doing?\" The father replies: \"Making a baby\". The little boy says: \"Well, flip her around! I'd rather have a puppy instead!\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Children", + "output": "One day mom was cleaning juniors room and in the closet she found a bondage S+M magazine. This was highly upsetting for her.She hid the magazine until his father got home and showed it to him.He looked at it and handed it back to her with out a word.She finally asked him, \"Well what should we do about this?\"Dad looked at her and said, \"Well, I don't think you should spank him.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Children", + "output": "Kid's Books That Should Never Be Written:'You Were an Accident''Strangers Have the Best Candy''The Little Sissy Who Snitched''Some Kittens Can Fly!''The Protocols of the Grandpas of Zion''How to Dress Sexy for Grownups''Getting More Chocolate on Your Face''Where Would You Like to Be Buried?''Katy Was So Bad Her Mom Stopped Loving Her''The Attention Deficit Disorder Association's Book of Wild Animals of North Amer Hey! Let's Go Ride Our Bikes!''All Dogs Go to Hell''The Kids' Guide to Hitchhiking''When Mommy and Daddy Don't Know the Answer They Say God Did It''Garfield Gets Feline Leukemia''What Is That Dog Doing to That Other Dog?''Why Can't Mr. Fork and Ms. Electrical Outlet Be Friends?''Bi-Curious George''Daddy Drinks Because You Cry''Mister Policeman Eats His Service Revolver''You Are Different and That's Bad''Why God Burned Down Disney Land'" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "School", + "output": "It is near the end of the school year. The teacher has turned in the grades and there is really nothing more to do. All the children are restless because of this. Teacher: \"Whoever answers the questions I ask first and correctly can leave early today.\" Little Johnny says to himself, \"Good, I want to get outta here. I'm smart and I'll answer the question.\" Teacher: \"Who said 'Four Score and Seven Years Ago'?\" Before Johnny can open his mouth, Susie says, \"Abraham Lincoln.\" Teacher: \"That's right Susie, you can go home.\" Johnny is MAD that Susie answered the question first. Teacher: \"Who said 'I Have a Dream'?\" Before Johnny can open his mouth, Mary says, \"Martin Luther King.\" Teacher: \"That's right Mary, you can go.\" Johnny is even madder than before. Teacher: \"Who said 'Ask not, what your country can do for you'?\" Before Johnny can open his mouth, Nancy says, \"John F. Kennedy.\" Teacher: \"That's right Nancy, you may also leave.\" Johnny is BOILING mad that he has not been able to answer to any of the questions. When the teacher turns her back Johnny says, \"I wish these kids would keep their mouths shut!\" The teacher turns around: \"NOW WHO SAID THAT?!?!\" Johnny: \"MICHAEL JACKSON. CAN I GO NOW?\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Children", + "output": "At school, a boy was told by a classmate that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret, and that this makes it very easy to blackmail them by saying, \"I know the whole truth\". The boy decides to go home and try it out. He goes home, and as he is greeted by his mother he says, \"I know the whole truth.\" His mother quickly hands him $20 and says, \"Just don't tell your father.\" Quite pleased, the boy waits for his father to get home from work, and greets him with, \"I know the whole truth.\" The father promptly hands him $40 and says, \"Please don't say a word to your mother.\" Very pleased, the boy is on his way to school the next day, when he sees the mailman at his front door. The boy greets him by saying, \"I know the whole truth.\" The mailman drops the mail, opens his arms, and says, \"Then come give your father a big hug.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Children", + "output": "One day a little boy asked his father, \"how come you named my sister Running Dear?\" So the father answerd his question and said, \"when your sister was born I couldn't think of a name so I looked out the window and that was the first thing that I saw.\" \"Oh\" said the little boy, \"is that the same reason why you named my brother Flying Bird?\" The father said to his son \"why do you ask that, Two Dogs Screwing?\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Children", + "output": "A kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out about something exciting and relate it to the class the next day. When the time came to present what they'd found, the first little boy walked up to the front of the class made a small white dot on the blackboard and sat back down. Puzzled, the teacher asked him just what it was.\"It's a period,'' said the little boy.\"Well, I can see that,'' she said, ''but what is so exciting about a period?''''Damned if I know,'' said the little boy, ''but this morning my sister was missing one, Daddy had a heart attack, Mommy fainted, and the man next door shot himself.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Children", + "output": "Two young boys were spending the night at their grandparents. At bedtime, the two boys knelt beside their beds to say their prayers when the youngest one began praying at the top of his lungs. \"I PRAY FOR A BICYCLE...I PRAY FOR A NEW NINTENDO...I PRAY FOR A NEW VCR...\" His older brother leaned over and nudged the younger brother and said, \"Why are you shouting your prayers? God isn't deaf.\" To which the little brother replied, \"No, but Gramma is!\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Children", + "output": "A man comes to dinner at a new friend's house. While they eat, the new friend's small son keeps staring at the guest. Finally, the guest says, \"Why are you staring at me like that, young fellow?\" The kid says, \"Daddy told me you were a self-made man.\" \"I am.\" \"Well, why did you make yourself like that?\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Children", + "output": "A little boy returning home from school said to his mother, 'Mom, what's sex?' His mother, who believed in all the most modern educational theories, gave him a detailed explanation, covering all aspects of the tricky subject. When she had finished, the little lad produced an enrollment form which he had brought home from school and said, 'Yes, but how am I going to get all that into this one little square?'" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Children", + "output": "At one point during a game, the coach said to one of his young players, \"Do you understand what cooperation is? What a team is?\" The little boy nodded in the affirmative. \"Do you understand that what matters is whether we win together as a team?\" The little boy nodded yes. \"So,\" the coach continued, \"when a strike is called, or you're out at first, you don't argue or curse or attack the umpire. Do you understand all that?\" Again the little boy nodded.\"Good,\" said the coach. \"Now go over there and explain it to your mother.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Children", + "output": "It's the Spring of 1957 and Bobby goes to pick up his date. He's a pretty hip guy with his own car. When he goes to the front door, the girl's father answers and invites him in. \"Carrie's not ready yet, so why don't you have a seat?\" he says.\"That's cool\" says Bobby. Carrie's father asks Bobby what they're planning to do.Bobby replies politely that they will probably just go to the soda shop or a movie.Carrie's father responds, \"Why don't you two go out and screw? I hear all the kids are doing it.\" Naturally this comes as quite a surprise to Bobby so he asks Carrie's dad to repeat it.\"Yeah,\" says Carrie's father, \"Carrie really likes to screw; she'll screw all night if we let her!\"Well, this just made Bobby's eyes light up, and his plan for the evening was beginning to look pretty good.A few minutes later, Carrie comes downstairs in her little poodle skirt and announces that she's ready to go. Almost breathless with anticipation, Bobby escorts his date out the front door.About 20 minutes later, Carrie rushes back into the house, slams the door behind her, and screams at her father, \"DAMMIT DADDY! IT'S CALLED THE TWIST!!!\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Science", + "output": "A mother enters her daughter's bedroom and sees a letter on the wall over the bed. With the worst premonition, she reads it, with trembling hands: It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm telling you that I eloped with my new boyfriend. I found real passion and he is so nice, with all his piercings and tattoos and his big motorcycle. But is not only that Mum, I'm pregnant and Ahmed said that we will be very happy in his trailer in the woods. He wants to have many more children with me and that's one of my dreams. I've learned that marijuana doesn't hurt anyone and we'll be growing it for us and his friends, who are providing us with all the cocaine and ecstasy we may want. In the meantime, we'll pray for the science to find the AIDS cure, for Ahmed to get better, he deserves it. Don't worry Mom, I'm 15 years old now and I know how to take care of myself. Some day I'll visit for you to know your grandchildren. Your daughter, Judith.P.S.: Mum, it's not true. I'm at the neighbour's house. I just wanted to show you that there are worse things in life than my report card that's in the desk drawer." + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "School", + "output": "The psychology instructor had just finished a lecture on mental health and was giving an oral test. Speaking specifically about manic depression, she asked, \"How would you diagnose a patient who walks back and forth screaming at the top of his lungs one minute, then sits in a chair weeping uncontrollably the next?\" A young man in the rear raised his hand and answered, \"A basketball coach?\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Children", + "output": "Two little kids, aged six and eight, decide it's time to learn how to swear. So, the eight-year-old says to the six-year-old, \"Okay, you say 'damn' and I'll say 'hell'\". All excited about their plan, they troop downstairs, where their mother asks them what they'd like for breakfast. \"Aw, hell,\" says the eight-year-old, \"gimme some Cheerios.\" His mother backhands him off the stool, sending him bawling out of the room, and turns to the younger brother. \"What'll you have?\" \"I dunno,\" quavers the six-year-old, \"but you can damn sure bet it ain't gonna be Cheerios.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Children", + "output": "A professor of chemistry wanted to teach his 5th grade class a lesson about the evils of liquor, so he produced an experiment that involved a glass of water, a glass of whiskey, and two worms.\"Now, class, closely observe the worms,\" said the professor while putting a worm into the water.The worm in the water writhed about, happy as a worm in water could be.He then put the second worm into the whiskey. It curled up and writhed about painfully, then quickly sank to the bottom, dead as a doornail.\"Now, what lesson can we learn from this experiment?\" the professor asked.Johnny, who naturally sits in back, raised his hand and wisely, respondedconfidently, \"Drink whiskey and you won't get worms.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Children", + "output": "Little Johnny greeted his mother at the door after she had been out of town all week. Johnny said, \"Mommy, guess what? Yesterday, I was playing in the closet in your bedroom and Daddy came into the room with the lady from next door and they got undressed and they got into bed and then Daddy got on top of her and --\" The mother held up her hand and said, \"Not another word! Wait until your father gets home, and then I want you to tell him exactly what you've just told me.\" The father came home, and the wife told him that she was leaving him. \"But why?\" croaked the husband. \"Go ahead, Johnny. Tell Daddy just what you told me.\" \"Well,\" said little Johnny, \"I was playing in your closet and Daddy came upstairs with the lady next door and they got undressed and they got into bed and Daddy got on top of her and they did just what you did, Mommy, with Uncle Bob when Daddy was away last summer!\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Children", + "output": "A group of third, fourth and fifth graders accompanied bytwo female teachers went on a field trip to the localracetrack to learn about thoroughbred horses and thesupporting industry. During the tour some of the children wanted to go to thetoilet so it was decided that the girls would go with oneteacher and the boys would go with the other. As the teacher assigned to the boys waited outside the men'stoilet, one of the boys came out and told her that hecouldn't reach the urinal. Having no choice, the teacher wentinside and began hoisting the little boys up by theirarmpits, one by one. As she lifted one up by the armpits, she couldn't help butnotice that he was unusually well-endowed for an elementaryschool child. \"I guess you must be in the fifth,\" she said. \"No ma'am,\" he replied, \"I'm in the seventh, riding SilverArrow. Thanks for the lift anyhow.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Children", + "output": "A kid comes home from school with a writing assignment. He asks his father for help. \"Dad, can you tell me the difference between potential and reality?\" His father looks up, thoughtfully, and says, \"I'll demonstrate it for you. Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Robert Redford for a million dollars. Then go ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Then come back and tell me what you've learned.\" The kid is puzzled, but he decides to see if he can figure out what his father means. He asks his mother, \"Mom, if someone gave you a million dollars, would you sleep with Robert Redford?\" His mother looks around slyly, and then with a little smile on her face says, \"Don't tell your father, but yes, I would.\" Then he goes to his sister's room and asks, \"Sis, if someone gave you a million dollars, would you sleep with Brad Pitt?\" His sister looks up and says, \"Omigod! Definitely!\"The kid goes back to his father and says, \"Dad, I think I've figured it out. Potentially, we are sitting on two million bucks, but in reality, we are living with two tramps.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Children", + "output": "Little Johnny's father asked him, \"Do you know about the birds and the bees?\" \"I don't want to know!\" little Johnny said, bursting into tears. Confused, the father asked little Johnny what was wrong. \"Oh dad,\" Little Johnny sobbed, \"At age six I got the 'there's no Santa' speech. At age seven I got the 'there's no Easter bunny' speech. Then at age 8 you hit me with the 'there's no tooth fairy' speech! If you're going to tell me now that grown-ups don't really have sex, I've got nothing left to live for!\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Children", + "output": "A mother took her little boy to church. While in church the little boy said, \"Mommy, I have to pee.\" The mother said to the little boy, \"It's not appropriate to say the word 'pee' in church. So, from now on whenever you have to 'pee' just tell me that you have to 'whisper'.\" The following Sunday, the little boy went to church with his father and during the service said to his father, \"Daddy, I have to whisper.\" The Father looked at him and said, \"Okay, why don't you whisper in my ear.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Children", + "output": "A mother, father and young son are visiting the circus. The elephants walk out into the circus ring and the little boy says to his mother, \"What's that?\" \"That's the elephant's tail,\" she replies. \"No, under the tail,\" says the youngster. The mother is clearly embarrassed and says, \"Oh, nothing.\" The boy turns to his father and repeats the same question. His father looks and says, \"That's the elephant's penis, son.\" \"So, why did mum say it was nothing?\" asks the boy. The father draws himself up to his full height and says, \"Son, I guess I've spoiled that woman.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Children", + "output": "Finding one of her students making faces at others on the playground, Ms. Smith stopped to gently reprove the child. Smiling sweetly, the Sunday School teacher said, \"Johnny, when I was a child, I was told if that I made ugly faces, it would freeze and I would stay like that.\" Johnny looked up and replied, \"Well, Ms. Smith, you can't say you weren't warned.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Children", + "output": "Bill and Linda decided that the only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon quickie with their ten-year-old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony and order him to report on all the neighborhood activities.The boy began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation. \"There's a car being towed from the parking lot,\" he said. \"An ambulance just drove by.\" A few moments passed.\"Looks like the Andersons have company,\" he called out, \"Matt's riding a new bike and the Coopers are having sex.\"Mom and Dad shot up in bed. \"How do you know that?\" the startled father asked.\"Their kid is standing out on the balcony too,\" his son replied." + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Children", + "output": "Little Mary was not the best student in Sunday school. Usually she slept through the class. One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, \"Tell me, Mary, who created the universe?\" When Mary didn't stir, little Johnny, an altruistic boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. \"God Almighty !\" shouted Mary. The teacher said, \"Very good!\" and Mary fell back to sleep. A while later the teacher asked Mary, \"Who is our Lord and Savior?\", but Mary didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. \"Jesus Christ!\" shouted Mary. The teacher said, \"Very good!\" and Mary fell back to sleep. Then the teacher asked Mary a third question, \"What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?\" Again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time Mary jumped up and shouted, \"If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Children", + "output": "HERE ARE SOME CHILDREN BOOKS THAT WILL NEVER BE PUBLISHED:---------------------------------------\"You Were an Accident\"\"Strangers Have the Best Candy\"\"The Attention Deficit Disorder Association's Book of Wild Animals of North Amer- Hey! Let's Go Ride Our Bikes!\"\"When Mommy and Daddy Don't Know the Answer They Say God Did It\"\"Garfield Gets Feline Leukemia\"\"What Is That Dog Doing to That Other Dog?\"\"Why can't Mr. Fork and Mrs. Electrical Socket be friends?\"\"Daddy Drinks Because You Cry\"\"Dad's New Wife Timothy\"\"Pop! Goes The Hamster....And Other Great Microwave Games\"\"The Boy Who Died from Eating All His Vegetables\"\"The Pop-up Book of Human Anatomy\"\"Things Rich Kids Have, But You Never Will\"\"The Care Bears Maul Some Campers and are Shot Dead\"\"How to Become The Dominant Military Power In Your Elementary School\"\"Controlling the playground: Respect through Fear\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Children", + "output": "Little Josh comes home from first grade and tells his father that they learned about the history of Valentine's Day. \"Since Valentine's Day is for a Christian saint and we're Jewish,\" he asks, \"will God get mad at me for giving someone a valentine?\" His father thinks a bit, then says, \"No, I don't think God would get mad. Who do you want to give a valentine to?\" \"Osama bin Laden,\" David says. \"Why Osama bin Laden,\" his father asks in shock. \"Well,\" Josh says, \"I thought that if a little American Jewish boy could have enough love to give Osama a valentine, he might start to think that maybe we're not all bad, and maybe start loving people a little bit. And if other kids saw what I did and sent valentines to Osama, he'd love everyone a lot. And then he'd start going all over the place to tell everyone how much he loved them and how he didn't hate anyone anymore.\" His father's heart swells and he looks at his boy with newfound pride. \"Josh, that's the most wonderful thing I've ever heard.\" \"I know,\" Josh says, \"and once that gets him out in the open, the Marines could blow the hell out of him.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Children", + "output": "The little boy walks into his father's bedroom and catches him putting on a condom. He says, \"What are you doing, Pop? The father stutters \"I'm going to kill a mouse, son.\" The kid says, \"What are you going to do, bang him to death?\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Idiots", + "output": "It's the first day of kindergarten, and the teacher decides to do taste association. 'I'll blindfold you and give you a lifesaver, and you tell me what flavor it is,' she tells the children. So she gives them all a cherry flavor, and says, 'What flavor is that?' The whole class answers 'Mmmm, that's cherry.' 'Very good,' the teacher replies. So she gives them all a grape and they reply, 'Mmm, that's grape.' 'Very good,' she says again. Then she gives them all a honey flavor. The whole class sits perplexed by the strange taste, so the teacher says 'OK, I'll give you a hint, it's something your parents might call each other.' Billy spits his out on the floor and yells, 'Spit 'em out everyone, they're idiots!'" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "School", + "output": "Early one morning, a mother went in to wake up her son. \"Wake up, son. It's time to go to school!\" \"But why, Mom? I don't want to go.\" \"Give me two reasons why you don't want to go.\" \"Well, the kids hate me for one, and the teachers hate me, too!\" \"Oh, that's no reason not to go to school. Come on now and get ready.\" \"Give me two reasons why I should go to school.\" \"Well, for one, you're 52 years old. And for another, you're the Principal!\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Business", + "output": "A foreman had ten very lazy men working for him. One day he decided to trick them into doing some work for a change. \"I've got a really easy job today for the laziest one among you,\" he announced. \"Will the laziest man please put his hand up.\" Nine hands went up. \"Why didn't you put your hand up?\" he asked the tenth man. \"Too much trouble,\" came the reply." + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Children", + "output": "A little girl goes to visit Santa at the Mall. When it is her turn she sits on his lap and Santa says \"Have you been good?\" Little Girl, \"Yes, Santa, very good.\" Santa, \"What would you like for Christmas?\" Little Girl, \"I want Barbie and G. I. Joe.\" Santa, \"G. I. Joe? Doesn't Barbie come with Ken? Little Girl, \"No, Santa, Barbie fakes it with Ken. But she comes with G. I. Joe.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Food Jokes", + "output": "Two Scottish nuns have just arrived in USA by boat and one says to the other, \"I hear that the people of this country actually eat dogs\" \"Odd,\" her companion replies, \"but if we shall live in America, we might as well do as the Americans do.\" Nodding emphatically, the mother superior points to a hot dog vendor and they both walk towards the cart. \"Two dogs, please,\" says one. The vendor is only too pleased to oblige and he wraps both hot dogs in foil and hands them over the counter. Excited, the nuns hurry over to a bench and begin to unwrap their 'dogs.' The mother superior is first to open hers. She begins to blush and then, staring at it for a moment, leans over to the other nun and whispers cautiously, \"What part did you get?\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Children", + "output": "The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. A nun made a note and posted it on the apple tray: \"Take only ONE……God is watching.\" Further along the line, at the other end of the table, was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. A child had written a note: \"Take all you want……God is watching the apples.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Children", + "output": "Little Johnny says \"Mom, when I was on the bus with Daddy this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady.\" \"Well, you've done the right thing,\" says Mommy \"But Mommy, I was sitting on daddy's lap.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Children", + "output": "Little Johnny's kindergarten class was on a field trip to the local police station, where they saw pictures of the 10 Most Wanted men tacked to a bulletin board. One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person. \"Yes,\" said the policeman. \"The detectives want him very badly.\" So Little Johnny asked, \"Why didn't you keep him when you took his picture?\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Children", + "output": "This Indian boy goes to his mother one day with a puzzled look on his face.\"Say, mom, why is my bigger brother named \"Mighty Storm\"?\"Because he was conceived during a mighty storm.\"\"Why is my sister named \"Cornflower\"?\"Well, your father and I were in a cornfield, when we made her.\"\"And why is my other sister called \"Moonchild\"?\"We were watching the moon landing while she was conceived.\"\"Tell me, Torn Rubber, why are you so curious?\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Children", + "output": "Mom and Dad were taking young Billy for a walk through the park one sunny afternoon when all of a sudden, in the bushes a short distance away, Billy spots two dogs going at it. Billy says, \"Daddy, what are they doing?\" The dad responds after some quick thinking, \"Why son, their making a puppy.\"Later that night Billy was thirsty and got out of bed to get a glass of water. As he walked by his mom and dad's room, he heard a noise and looked in only to find them going at it. Billy shouts, \"Daddy what are you doing?\" The father, quite embarrassed, replies \"Why Billy, we're making a baby.\" \"Quick, turn her over...\" declares Billy, \"...I want a puppy!\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Children", + "output": "A six year old goes to the hospital with his grandma to visit his grandpa. When they get to the hospital, he runs ahead of his grandma and bursts into his grampa's room. \"Grampa, Grampa,\" he says excitedly, \"as soon as grandma comes into the room, make a noise like a frog!\" \"What?\" said his grandpa. \"Make a noise like a frog because grandma said that as soon as you croaked, we're going to Disneyland!!!\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Children", + "output": "A little boy goes to the drugstore for some condoms. He goes up to thepharmacist and asked him, \"Sir, can you tell me where the ribbed condoms are?\"The pharmacist replied, \"Son, do you know what condoms are used for?\"\"Sure do\" replied the boy, \"They keep you from getting venereal diseases.\"\"Yes, that's true,\" said the pharmacist, \"but do you know what the ribsare for?\"The little boy thought for a moment, then looked up at the pharmacist and replied, \"Well, not exactly, but they sure do make the hair on the backs of them goats stand up.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Children", + "output": "A little boy returning home from his first day at school said to his mother, \"Mom, what's sex?\" His mother, who believed in all the most modern educational theories, gave him a detailed explanation, covering all aspects of the tricky subject. When she had finished, the little lad produced an enrollment form which he had brought home from school and said, \"Yes, but how am I going to get all that into this one little square?\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Children", + "output": "Once there was a little boy who lived in the country. They had to use an outhouse, and the little boy hated it because it was hot in the summer,cold in the winter and stank all the time. The outhouse was sitting on the bank of a creek and the boy determined that one day he would push that outhouse into the creek. One day after a spring rain, the creek was swollen so the little boy decided today was the day to push the outhouse into the creek. So he got a large stick and started pushing. Finally, the outhouse toppled into the creek and floated away. That night his dad told him they were going to the woodshed after supper. Knowing that meant a spanking, the little boy asked why. The dad replied,\"Someone pushed the outhouse into the creek today. It was you, wasn't it, son?\" The boy answered yes. Then he thought a moment and said, \"Dad, I read in school today that George Washington chopped down a cherry tree and didn't get into trouble because he told the truth.\" The dad replied, \"Well, son, George Washington's father wasn't in that cherry tree.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Children", + "output": "Bill and Marla decided that the only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon quickie with their 10-year-old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony and order him to report on all the neighborhood activities. The boy began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation. \"There's a car being towed from the parking lot,\" he said. \"An ambulance just drove by.\" A few moments passed. \"Looks like the Anderson's have company,\" he called out. \"Matt`s riding a new bike and the Coopers are having sex.\" Mom and dad shot up in bed. \"How do you know that?\" the startled father asked. \"Their kid is standing out on the balcony too,\" his son replied." + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Children", + "output": "A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children...\"You all have obsessions,\" he observed. To the first mother, Mary, he said, \"You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy.\" He turned to the second Mom, Ann: \"Your obsession is with money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny.\" He turns to the third Mom, Joyce: \"Your obsession is alcohol. This too manifests itself in your child's name, Brandy.\" At this point, the fourth mother, Kathy, gets up, takes her little boy by the hand and whispers. \"Come on, Dick, we're leaving.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Children", + "output": "A five year old boy was living with his mother, as his parents had divorced. One Sunday, she decided to take him to the zoo for the first time in his life. As they passed the various assortment of animals, she would tell the little boy what they were called and make him repeat it. After the lions, gorillas, giraffes and bears, they came upon the elephant exhibit. \"That's an elephant\", the mother said.After the child repeated after her, he asked, \"Mommy? What's that thing hanging down from the elephant?\"The mother replied, \"That's his trunk, sweetheart.\"\"No, no\", said the child, \"Behind that!\"\"Oh, that's his tail\", she said.\"No, no!\" the boy exclaimed. \"That thing in the middle!\"The woman was flustered and replied, \"Uhhhh, that's nothing, honey!\" And they moved on.....The next weekend, the boy's father came to pick him up and the child cried, \"Daddy, let's go to the zoo! I learned all about the animals, and I want to show you what I learned!\"The father agreed, so off to the zoo they went. As they passed each cage, the child would shout out the name of the animal, and the father would praise him for being so smart. Finally, they arrived at the elephant cage, and the boy shouted, \"Elephant!\"\"Very GOOD\", beamed the father. \"I'm proud of you for remembering all these animals!\"The boy asked, \"Daddy? What's that thing hanging down on the elephant?\"The father replied, \"That's his trunk.\"\"No!\", the boy moaned, \"Behind that!\"\"That's his tail\", the father replied. \"No, no! That thing in the middle!\"The father stammered, \"Er...what did your mother say it was?\"\"She said it was nothing!\"\"Well\", the man said, puffing out his chest. \"Your mother's spoiled!\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Children", + "output": "Little Johnny kept disrupting his third grade class by regularlyletting loud farts. His teacher kept him after school. When sheinsisted on knowing why he exhibited such offensive behavior, Little Johnny said, \"I do it because I can do it better than anybody, and I'mvery proud of that fact.\" The teacher says, \"If I show you I can do it better than you, willyou stop?\" Little Johnny agreed and the teacher placed two pieces of paper on thefloor with identical piles of chalk dust on each one. Johnny dropped his pants, squatted down, farted and blew all but a tiny little speckof dust off the paper. The teacher dropped her panties, lifted her skirt, squatted down,farted and when she was done there was not a trace of chalk dustleft on the paper. Johnny was astonished and asked if he could see herdo it again. She was willing and as she repeated the process, Johnny peeked up underneath her skirt. \"No wonder you won!\" he exclaimed indignantly, \"you've got a Double-Barrel!\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Family, Parents", + "output": "A woman is in the hospital and just had twins, a boy and a girl. But no one is there with her except her brother. The nurse comes into the room after the delivery and says,\"your brother has taken the liberty to name the children.\" The new mother says,\"Oh no. he probably gave them stupid names.\" The nurse says,\"The girls name is Denise.\" The mother says,\"That's not bad, I like it. And the boys?\" The nurse says,\"The boys name is De-nephew.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Children", + "output": "This 40 year old guy is driving home from work and he pulls into his driveway, walked up to his apartment, and then sees his girlfriend with her bag packed up. He says, \"Honey, why are you leaving me\"she say, \" cus I hear you're a pedifile!\"He responds, \"Pedifile?... Thats a pretty big word for a 10 year old, don't you think?\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Science", + "output": "A man who had been in a mental home for some years finally seemed to have improved to the point where it was thought he might be released. The head of the institution, in a fit of commendable caution, decided, however, to interview him first. \"Tell me,\" said he, \"if we release you, as we are considering doing, what do you intend to do with your life?' The inmate said, \"It would be wonderful to get back to real life and if I do, I will certainly refrain from making my former mistake. I was a nuclear physicist, you know, and it was the stress of my work in weapons research that helped put me here. If I am released, I shall confine myself to work in pure theory, where I trust the situation will be less difficult and stressful.\" \"Marvelous,\" said the head of the institution. \"Or else,\" ruminated the inmate. \"I might teach. There is something to be said for spending one's life in bringing up a new generation of scientists.\" \"Absolutely,\" said the head. \"Then again, I might write. There is considerable need for books on science for the general public. Or I might even write a novel based on my experiences in this fine institution.\" \"An interesting possibility,\" said the head. \"And finally, if none of these things appeals to me, I can always continue to be a teakettle.quot;" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Idiots", + "output": "A tourist is traveling with a guide through one of the thickest jungles in South America, when he comes across an ancient Mayan temple. The tourist is entranced by the temple, and asks the guide for details. To this, the guide states that archaeologists are carrying out excavations, and still finding great treasures. The tourist then queries how old the temple is. \"This temple is 1503 years old\", replies the guide. Impressed at this accurate dating, he inquires as to how he gave this precise figure. \"Easy\", replies the guide, \"the archaeologists said the temple was 1500 years old, and that was three years ago\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Children", + "output": "At school, Little Johnny was told by a classmate that most adults arehiding at least one dark secret, and that this makes it very easy toblackmail them by saying, \"I know the whole truth.\"Little Johnny decides to go home and try it out. He goes home, and as he is greeted by his mother. He says, \"I know the whole truth.\" His mother quickly hands him $20 and says, \"Just don't tell your father.\"Quite pleased, the boy waits for his father to get home from work, andgreets him with, \"I know the whole truth.\" The father promptly hands him $40 and says, \"Please don't say a word to your mother.\"Very pleased, the boy is on his way to school the next day when he seesthe mailman at his front door. The boy greets him by saying, \"I know the whole truth.\" The mailman immediately drops the mail, opens his arms, and says, \"Then come give your daddy a great big hug!\"." + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Children", + "output": "The kids filed back into class Monday morning. They were very excited. Their weekend assignment was to sell something, then give a talk on productive salesmanship. Little Mary led off: \"I sold girl scout cookies and I made $30,\" she said proudly, \"My sales approach was to appeal to the customer's civil spirit and I credit that approach for my obvious success.\" \"Very good,\" said the teacher. Little Sally was next: \"I sold magazines,\" she said, \"I made $45 and I explained to everyone that magazines would keep them abreast of current events.\" \"Very good, Sally,\" said the teacher. Eventually, it was Little Johnny's turn. Little Johnny walked to the front of the classroom and dumped a box full of cash on the teacher's desk.\"$2,467,\" he said. \"$2,467!\" cried the teacher, \"What in the world were you selling?\" \"Tooth brushes,\" said Little Johnny. \"Tooth brushes,\" echoed the teacher, \"How could you possibly sell enough tooth brushes to make that much money?\" \"I found the busiest corner in town,\" said Little Johnny, \"I set up a Dip & Chip stand. I gave everybody who walked by a sample. They all said the same thing. Hey, this tastes like dog crap! Then I would say..............\" It is dog crap.\" Wanna buy a toothbrush?\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Children", + "output": "Small boy came home after the school and immediately he goes to his father. Because the teacher was explaining in the class something about Reality and Imagination but to him it was not clear, he asks his father \"can you tell me which the difference between Reality and Imagination is?\" trying to be as objective as he can he reply to his sun: \"go boy to your mom and your sis and tell them that a very handsome young boy asked you about them, that they are beautiful,like, he would love to share some moments alone with them but tell this to each personally and after they reply cam and tell me what they said\". Boy goes at first and after that he has don what his father asked from him, he cams back and tell to father that \"mother, when she heard me what I told her, her eyes start shining and asked me about the boys name and where he lives and is he really so cool etc.\" also the sister did the same, maybe she was more interested in details than mother. Than father told to the sun: Boy, Imagination in this case is that I always thought that I have a faithful wife and a very educated daughter and Reality is that we have two sluts living in same house with us" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Children", + "output": "A husband and wife decided they needed to use \"code\" to indicate that they wanted to have sex without letting their children in on it. They decided on the word Typewriter. One day the husband told his five year old daughter, \"Go tell your mommy that daddy needs to type a letter\". The child told her mother what her dad said, and her mom responded, \"Tell your daddy that he can't type a letter right now cause there is a red ribbon in the typewriter.\" The child went back to tell her father what mommy said. A few days later the mom told the daughter, \"Tell daddy that he can type that letter now.\" The child told her father, returned to her mother and announced, \"Daddy said never mind with the typewriter, he already wrote the letter by hand.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Children", + "output": "This little black boy comes down the stairs and sees that his mom is making cookies. He goes up to her and covers himself in flour and says \"Look Momma I'm a white boy.\" His mom slaps him and sends him to his father. \"Look daddy I'm a white boy.\" His dad slaps him and sends him to his grandmother. \"Look gandma I'm a white boy.\" She slaps him and sends him back to his mother. \"Now what did you learn from this?\" \"I'v only been white for a couple a minutes and I already hate you white people!\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Children", + "output": "A little boy goes to the local mall to see Santa. When Santa askes the little boy what he wants for Christmas, the little boy replies, \"I don't know\". So Santa starts thinking of things that the little boy might like and spells it out. Each time he says a letter, he pushes the boys nose. B-I-K-E. C-A-T.Etc. Santa runs out of ideas and asks the little boy one more time what he wants for Christmas. The little boy says, \"I want some P-U-S-S-Y, and I know you have some because I can smell it on your fingers." + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Children", + "output": "A mother and her young son returned from the grocery store and began putting away the groceries. The boy opened the box of animal crackers and spread them all over the table. \"What are you doing,\" his mother asked? \"The box says you can't eat them if the seal is broken,\" the boy explained. \"I'm looking for the seal.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Women", + "output": "An old woman is going up in a lift in a very Iavish department store when a young, beautiful woman gets in, smelling of expensive scent. She turns to the old woman and says arrogantly: 'Romance by Ralph Lauren, £100 a bottle.' Then another young woman gets in the lift, She also turns to the old woman and sayssnootily: chanel No 5, £150 a bottle.' A few floors later, the old woman has reached her destination. As she gets out, she looks both woman in the eye, then turns round, bends over and farts, saying: 'broccoli, 25p a pound.'" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Women", + "output": "A wealthy man came home from a gambling trip and told his wife that he had lost their entire fortune and that they'd have to drastically alter their life-style.\"If you'll just learn to cook,\" he said, \"we can fire the chef.\"\"Okay,\" she said. \"And if you learn how to make love, we can fire the gardener.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Women", + "output": "A woman in her 40's went to a plastic surgeon for a face-lift. The surgeon told her about a new procedure called \"The Knob,\" where a small knob is placed on the back of a woman's head and can be turned to tighten up her skin to produce the effect of a brand new face lift. Of course, the woman wanted \"The Knob.\" Over the course of the years, the woman tightened the knob and the effects were wonderful. The woman remained young looking and vibrant. After fifteen years, the woman returned to the surgeon with two problems. \"All of these years, everything has been working just fine. I've had to turn the knob many times and I've always loved the results. But now I've developed two annoying problems: \"First, I have these terrible bags under my eyes and the knob won't get rid of them.\" The doctor looked at her closely and said, \"Those aren't bags, those are your breasts.\" She sighed and said, \"Well, I guess there's no point in asking about the goatee....\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Women", + "output": "A very elderly couple is having an elegant dinner to celebrate their 75th wedding anniversary. The old man leans forward and says softly to his wife, \"Dear, there is something that I must ask you. It has always bothered me that our tenth child never quite looked like the rest of our children. Now I want to assure you that these 75 years have been the most wonderful experience I could have ever hoped for, and your answer cannot take that all that away. But, I must know, did he have a different father?\"The wife drops her head, unable to look her husband in theeye, she paused for moment and then confessed. \"Yes, yes he did.\"The old man is very shaken, the reality of what his wifewas admitting hit him harder than he had expected. With a tear in his eye he asks \"Who?.. Who was he? Who was the father?\"Again the old woman drops her head, saying nothing at firstas she tried to muster the courage to tell the truth to her husband. Then, finally, she says \"You\"." + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Women", + "output": "Jack's grandfather left him ten million dollars, and the next week Diane agreed to marry him.After three months of married life, Jack noticed that his beautiful new wife was ignoring him more and more. On the rare occasion that she would go to bed with him she would be indifferent, or even worse, called out other men's names!Whenever they went out in public, she ignored him and flirted with other men. Finally, he decided to confront her.'Diane,' he said, 'the only reason you married me was because my grandfather left me ten million dollars when he died' 'Don't be ridiculous,' she replied, 'I donםt care where your money came from!'" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Women", + "output": "A rather attractive woman goes up to the register in an upscale hamburger establishment. She gestures alluringly to a large man who comes over immediately. When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face close to hers. When he does so, she begins to gently caress his cheek, which is slowly turning a crimson red. \"Are you the owner?\" she asks, now softly stroking his face with both hands.\"No\" he replies, \"I''m just the manager.\" \"Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him.\" She asks, running her hands up beyond his ears andinto his hair. \"I''m afraid I can''t,\" breathes the manager clearly aroused,\" he''s in the back doing taxes right now. Is there anything I can do?\" \"Yes, there is. I need you to give him a message.\" She continues huskily, popping a couple of fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently. \"Tell him\" she says \"that there is no toilet paper or hand soap in the ladies room.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Women", + "output": "At one point during a game, the coach said to one of his young players, \"Do you understand what cooperation is? What a team is?\" The little boy nodded in the affirmative. \"Do you understand that what matters is whether we win together as a team?\" The little boy nodded yes. \"So,\" the coach continued, \"when a strike is called, or you're out at first, you don't argue or curse or attack the umpire. Do you understand all that?\" Again the little boy nodded.\"Good,\" said the coach. \"Now go over there and explain it to your mother.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Women", + "output": "Two old ladies were sitting on rocking chairs in their retirement home. One asked, \"Do you still ever get horny?\" \"Oh, yes!\" was the reply. \"What do you do about it?\" asked the first. \"I suck on a lifesaver.\" was the reply. The first lady sat there for a long while pondering the answer. Finally she couldn't stand it any longer, and asked, \"Who drives you to the beach?\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Women", + "output": "Recently a \"Husband Super Store\" opened where women could go to choose a husband from among many men. It was laid out in five floors. The only rule was, once you opened the door to any floor, you HAD to choose a man from that floor; if you went up a floor, you couldn't go back down except to leave the place, never to return. A couple of girlfriends went to the shopping center to find some husbands... First floor The door had a sign saying, \"These men have jobs and love kids.\" The women read the sign and said, \"Well, that's better than not having a job or not loving kids, but I wonder what's further up?\" So up they went. Second floor The sign read, \"These men have high paying jobs, love kids, and are extremely good looking.\" \"Hmmm,\" said the ladies, \"But, I wonder what's further up?\" Third floor This sign read, \"These men have high paying jobs, are extremely good looking, love kids and help with the housework.\" \"Wow,\" said the women, \"Very tempting.\" But there was another floor, so further up they went. Fourth floor This door had a sign saying \"These men have high paying jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking, help with the housework and have a strong romantic streak.\" \"Oh, mercy me,\" they cried, \"Just think what must be awaiting us further on! So up to the fifth floor they went. Fifth floor The sign on that door said, \"This floor is empty and exists only to prove that women are impossible to please. The exit is to your left.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Women", + "output": "A newlywed couple just moved into their new house. One day the husband comes home from work and his wife says, \"Honey, you know, in the upstairs bathroom one of the pipes is leaking, could you fix it?\" The husband just looked at his wife and said, \"What do I look like, Mr.Plumber?  A few days went by, and he comes home from work and again his wife asks for a favor, \"Honey, the car won't start, I think that it needs a new battery. Could you change it for me?\" \"What do I look like, Mr.Goodwrench?\" was his response. Another couple of weeks go by, and it's raining pretty hard. His wife then finds a leak in the roof. She pleads with him as he's walking through the door. \"Honey, there's a leak on the roof! Can you please fix it?\" He just looked at her and said \"What do I look like, Bob Vila?\" and sat down with a beer and watched a game on TV. One weekend the husband woke up and it was pouring pretty hard, but the leak on the roof was gone! Speaking of leaks, he also went to take a shower, and he found that the one pipe behind the sink wasn't leaking anymore either. His wife was coming home just then, and as she walked through the door, the husband asked, \"Honey, how come there aren't any more leaks, and the car's running?\" She replied nonchalantly, \"Oh, the other day I was picking up the mail, and I ran into one of our new neighbors, Jon. What a nice man. He came over and fixed everything.\" \"Wow, did he charge us anything?\" asked the husband. \"No, he just said that he'd do it for free if I either baked him a cake or had sex with him\" she said. \"Cool. What kind of cake did you make?\" asked the husband. \"Cake? What the hell do you think I look like, Betty Crocker?" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Women", + "output": "Joe took his blind date to the carnival. \"What would you like to do first, Kim?\" asked Joe.\"I want to get weighed,\" she said.They ambled over to the weight guesser. He guessed 120 pounds. She got on the scale; it read 117 and she won a prize.Next the couple went on the ferris wheel. When the ride was over, Joe again asked Kim what she would like to do.\"I want to get weighed,\" she said.Back to the weight guesser they went.Since they had been there before, he guessed her correct weight and Joe lost his dollar. The couple walked around the carnival and again he asked where to next.\"I want to get weighed, \"she responded.By this time, Joe figured she was really weird and took her home early, dropping her off with a handshake.Her roommate, Laura, asked her about the blind date, \"How'd it go?\"Kim responded, \"Oh, Waura, it was wousy." + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Women", + "output": "A young man was showing off his new sports car to his girlfriend. She was thrilled with the speed. \"If I do 150mph will you take off your clothes?\" he asked. \"Yes\" said the girl.When he got to 150mph, she peeled off her clothes. The boyfriend couldn't keep his eyes on the road,and soon went off into the woods, crashing the car. She was flung clear of the wreckage, but he was stuckbetween the steering wheel and the seat.\"Go and get help\" he cried\"But I can't, I'm naked and my clothes are gone\" said the girl.\"Take my shoe and cover your fanny Go quickly\"She came up on a service station and said to the bloke behind the counter \"Quick help me, my boyfriend's stuck\" The bloke looked at the shoe and said \"There's nothing I can do lady, he's in way too far\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Women", + "output": "There are two nuns. One of them is known as Sister Mathematical (SM) and the other one is known as Sister Logical (SL). It is getting dark and they are still far away from the convent.SM: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for the past thirty-eight and a half minutes? I wonder what he wants.SL: It's logical. He wants to rape us.SM: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes at the most.What can we do?SL: The only logical thing to do of course is to walk faster.SM: It's not workingSL: Of course it's not working. The man did the only logical thing. He started to walk faster too.SM: So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one minute.SL: The only logical thing we can do is split. You go that way and I'll go this way. He cannot follow us both.So the man decided to follow Sister Logical. Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is worried what has happened to Sister Logical.Then Sister Logical arrives...SM: Sister Logical! Thank God you are here! Tell me what happened!SL: The only logical thing happened. The man couldn't follow us both, so he followed me.SM: Yes, yes! But what happened then?SL: The only logical thing happened. I started to run as fast as I could and he started to run as fast as he could.SM: And?SL: The only logical thing happened. He reached me.SM: What did you do?SL: The only logical thing to do. I lifted my dress up.SM: Oh, Sister! What did the man do?SL: The only logical thing to do. He pulled down his pants.SM: Oh, no! What happened then?SL: Isn't it logical, Sister? A nun with her dress up can run faster than a man with his pants down........(And those of you who thought it would be a dirty ending, Pray for forgiveness you heathens!)" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Women", + "output": "Three old ladies are sitting in the park on a beautiful spring day feeding the pigeons and the squirrels, when suddenly, a man in a long trench coat jumps in front of them and throws open his coat. He's completely naked under his jacket. The three old ladies haven't seen such a thing in a very long time, and their blood pressure shoots up quickly. The first old lady lets out a gasp and has a stroke. The second old lady sees this and it's too much for her ” she gasps and has a stroke, too. The third old lady didn't have a stroke ” she was sitting too far away and couldn't reach." + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Sports", + "output": "Two men are approaching each other on a sidewalk. Both are dragging their right foot as they walk. As they meet, one man looks at the other knowingly, points to his foot and says, \"Vietnam, 1969.\" The other points his thumb behind him and says, \"Dog crap, 20 feet back.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Women", + "output": "Man \"Haven't we met before?\" Woman \"Yes, I'm the receptionist at the VD Clinic.\" Man \"Haven't I seen you someplace before?\" Woman \"Yeah, that's why I don't go there anymore.\" Man \"Is this seat empty?\" Woman \"Yes, and this one will be too if you sit down.\" Man \"So, wanna go back to my place ?\" Woman \"Well, I don't know. Will two people fit under a rock?\" Man \"Your place or mine?\" Woman \"Both. You go to yours and I'll go to mine.\" Man \"I'd like to call you. What's your number?\" Woman \"It's in the phone book.\" Man \"But I don't know your name.\" Woman \"That's in the phone book too.\" Man \"So what do you do for a living?\" Woman \"I'm a female impersonator.\" Man \"What sign were you born under?\" Woman \"No Parking.\" Man \"Hey, baby, what's your sign?\" Woman \"Do not Enter\" Man \"How do you like your eggs in the morning?\" Woman \"Unfertilized\" Man \"Hey, come on, we're both here at this bar for the same reason\" Woman \"Yeah! Let's pick up some chicks!\" Man \"I'm here to fulfill your every sexual fantasy.\" Woman \"You mean you've got both a donkey and a Great Dane?\" Man \"I know how to please a woman.\" Woman \"Then please leave me alone.\" Man \"I want to give myself to you.\" Woman \"Sorry, I don't accept cheap gifts.\" Man \"I can tell that you want me.\" Woman \"Ohhhh. You're so right. I want you to leave.\" Man \"If I could see you naked, I'd die happy Woman \"Yeah, but if I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing.\" Man \"Hey cutie, how 'bout you and I hitting the hot spots?\" Woman \"Sorry, I don't date outside my species..\" Man \"Your body is like a temple.\" Woman \"Sorry, there are no services today.\" Man \"I'd go through anything for you.\" Woman \"Good! Let's start with your bank account.\" Man \"I would go to the end of the world for you.\" Woman \"Yes, but would you stay there?\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Women", + "output": "The father of 17 kids goes to the doc's with a rash on his belly. \"All right\" says the Doc, \"drop 'em and let's have a look.\" Having been confronted with the evidence the Doc exclaims \"Yes, you've got a bad rash there, but my word, what brown balls you've got. They're truly remarkable!\".The patient is a bit embarrassed and says \"Look Doc, what about the rash?\"\"Oh that's easy,\" said the Doc, \"Here's some cream to rub on. By the way, those brown balls are amazing, my I ask.....\"\"No,\" said the patient, \"You can't. Now, is that all Doc?\"\"Well, \" said the Doctor, \" You could stop the rash coming back with a bit better hygiene. Tell your wife you need clean underpants every day. And those really are the brownest balls I've ever seen!\"The guy goes home and tells his wife that the Doctor says he needs clean underpants every day.\"What?\" she yells, \"Clean underpants every day, and me with 17 kids to chase after! Seventeen kids to wash, feed, clothe, get to school, tidy after, and you want clean underpants every day? You must be bloody joking, I haven't even got time to wipe my arse!\"\"Ah\" he said, \"And that's another thing I wanted to talk to you about...\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Women", + "output": "A woman announces to her friend that she is getting married for the fourth time.\"How wonderful! But I hope you don't mind me asking what happened to your first husband?\"\"He ate poisonous mushrooms and died.\"\"Oh, how tragic! What about your second husband?\"\"He ate poisonous mushrooms, too, and died.\"\"Oh, how terrible! I'm almost afraid to ask you about your third husband.\"\"He died of a broken neck.\"\"A broken neck?\"\"He wouldn't eat the mushrooms.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Women", + "output": "A woman was in the kitchen cooking dinner and she was just singing,humming and giggling all over herself. Her husband asked her why she wasso happy. She said, \"I went to the doctor today and he said I have thebreasts of a twenty year old.\"The husband then asked, \"What did he say about your fifty year old ass?\"\"Your name didn't come up in our conversation.\" She replied." + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Women", + "output": "Catherine, pregnant with her first child, paid a visit to her obstetrician's office.After the exam, she shyly began, \"My husband wants me to ask you...\" \"I know, I know,\" the doctor said, placing a reassuring hand on her shoulder. \"I get asked that all the time. Sex is fine until late in the pregnancy.\" \"No, that's not it,\" Catherine confessed. \"He wants to know if I can still mow the lawn.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Women", + "output": "A husband and wife went to dinner and celebrated their fiftieth wedding anniversary. Afterwards they returned home and went to their patio to relax with a glass of wine and to reflect on their fifty years together.After a while the husband said to his wife: Honey in all the years together, was there ever a time when you were unfaithful to me?The wife thinks for a bit and then says: Oh yes there was one time early in our marriage. Remember when you had lost your job and the bank was going to foreclose on the house. I made a trip to town, saw the banker and we got the loan extended until you returned to work. The husband thinks for a bit and says: Wow honey, you saved our home; I guess I can 't really hold it against you for being unfaithful that one time. Was there ever another time?The wife thinks for a bit and then says: Oh yes there was one other time. Remember when you had gotten sick and needed an operation or you would die, but we didn 't have any insurance. I made a trip to town, saw the doctor and you got the operation..The husband thinks for a bit and says: Wow honey, you saved my life; I guess I can 't really hold it against you for being unfaithful that time either. Was there another time?The wife thinks for a bit and then says: Well there was just one other time. Remember when you were running for club president and you only needed 58 more votes .." + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Women", + "output": "A young couple, married just a couple of weeks, returns from their honeymoon to face the beginning of their new lives.The next morning the husband wakes up, showers, dresses and makes his way to the kitchen where he sees his new wife crying. So the husband inquires, \"What's wrong, Honey?\"\"Well, I came down here this morning to surprise you with a big breakfast, but I can't cook or clean.\" The husband smiles his biggest smile and says, \"There, there sweetie! I don't care that you can't cook and clean. Come on up to the bedroom and I'll show you what I'd like for breakfast.\" So off they went to the bedroom.That afternoon, the husband comes home for lunch to find his new wife crying again in the kitchen. \"What's wrong now, Sweetie?\" \"Well, the same thing as this morning. I came in here to make you something for lunch and I just can't cook.\" Again the husband smiles and says, \"Why don't you come back up to the bedroom and I'll have my lunch there!\" So off they went to the bedroom again. That evening the new husband comes home, walks in the house and sees his new bride naked sliding down the banister of the stairs. Up she runs, and WHOOSH down the banister. After the third trip the husband asks, \"What are you doing, Honey?\" \"Warming up your supper!\" she replies." + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Women", + "output": "A middle-aged couple, with two beautiful daughters, decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted.Soon, the wife became pregnant, and, nine months later, delivered a baby boy.The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son, but was horrified to find an incredibly-ugly baby.He went to his wife and said, \"I cannot possibly be the father of that hideous child. Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered.\"When his wife blushed, he became suspicious, and demanded, \"Have you been fooling around on me?\"His wife confessed, \"Not this time.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Women", + "output": "A couple married thirty years were revisiting the same places they went to on their honeymoon. Driving through the secluded countryside, they passed a ranch with a tall deer fence runningalong the road.The woman said,\"Sweetheart, let's do the same thing we did here thirty years ago.\"The guy stopped the car. His wife backed against the fence, and they made love like never before.Back in the car, the guy says, \"Darling, you sure never moved like That thirty years ago, or any time since that I can remember!\"The woman says, \"thirty years ago that fence wasn't electrified!\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Women", + "output": "If you work too hard, there is never any time for her. If you don't work enough, you're a good-for-nothing bum. If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay, it's exploitation. If you have a boring repetitive job with low pay, you should get off your butt and find something better. If you get a promotion ahead of her, it's favoritism. If she gets a job ahead of you, it's equal opportunity. If you mention how nice she looks, it's sexual harassment. If you keep quiet, it's male indifference. If you cry, you're a wimp. If you don't, you're insensitive. If you make a decision without consulting her, you're a chauvinist pig, you bastard. If she makes a decision without consulting you, she's a liberated woman. If you ask her to do something she doesn't enjoy, that's domination. If she asks you, it's a favor. If you try to keep yourself in shape, you're vain. If you don't, you're a slob. If you buy her flowers, you're after something. If you don't, you're not thoughtful. If you're proud of your achievements, you're an egotist. If you're not, you're not ambitious. If she has a headache, she's tired. If you have a headache, you don't love her anymore, and you must be sleeping around." + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Women", + "output": "The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all of the background checks, interviews, and testing were done there were three finalists: two men and one woman. For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. \"We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside this room you will find your wife sitting in a chair. You have to kill her.\" The first man said, \"You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife.\" The agent replies, \"Then you're not the right man for this job.\" The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the agent came out with tears in his eyes. \"I tried, but I can't kill my wife.\" The agent replies, \"You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home.\" Finally, it was the woman's turn. Only she was told to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one shot after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow and said, \"You guys didn't tell me the gun was loaded with blanks. I had to beat him to death with the chair.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Women", + "output": "Father O'Grady was saying his good-byes to the parishioners after his Sunday morning service as he always does when Mary Clancey came up to him in tears.\"What's bothering you, dear?\" asked Farther O'Grady.\"Oh, father, I've got terrible news.\" Replied Mary. \"My husband passed away last night.\"\"Oh, Mary!\" said the good father. \"That's terrible. Tell me, Mary, did he have any last requests?\"\"Yes...,\" Mary replied sheepishly.\"Well?\"\"He said, 'Please, Mary, put down the gun.'\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Women", + "output": "Not long after their wedding, Scott and Tracy awoke early one morning. The couple had been up for quite a while before they met up in the kitchen. Marriage was agreeing with Scott, and he greeted his new wife with glee and excitation that morning.\"If you'll make the toast and pour the juice, sweetheart,\" said Tracy, the newlywed bride, \"breakfast will be ready.\"\"Great! What are we having for breakfast?\" asked Scott.\"Toast and juice,\" replied Tracy." + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Women", + "output": "A man went into a pharmacy and asked to talk to a male pharmacist. The woman he was talking to said that she was the pharmacist and that she and her sister owned the store, so there were no males employed there.She then asked if there was something she could help the gentleman with.The man said \"this is embarrassing for me, but I have a permanent erection which causes me a lot of problems and severe embarrassment. I was wondering what you could give me for it?\"The pharmacist said \"Just a minute, I'll go talk to my sister.\"When she returned, she said, \"The best we can do is 1/3 ownership in the store and $5000 in cash." + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Women", + "output": "A mortician was working late one night. It was his job to examine the dead bodies before they were sent off to be buried or cremated. As he examined the body of Bernie Schwartz, who was about to be cremated, he made an amazing discovery: Bernie Schwartz had the longest member he had ever seen! \"I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz,\" said the mortician, \"But I can't send you off to be cremated with a tremendously huge thing like this. It has to be saved for posterity.\" And with that the coroner used his tools to remove the dead man's schlong. The coroner stuffed his prize into a briefcase and took it home. The first person he showed was his wife. \"I have something to show you that you won't believe,\" he said, and opened his briefcase. \"Oh my god!\" she screamed, \"Bernie Schwartz is dead!\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Women", + "output": "Top Ten Things Not To Say To A Pregnant Wife:17. \"I finished the Oreo's.\" 16. \"Not to imply anything, but I don't think the kid weighs forty pounds.\" 15. \"Y'know, looking at her, you'd never guess that Pamela Lee had a baby.\" 14. \"I sure hope your thighs aren't gonna stay that flabby forever.\" 13. \"Well, couldn't they induce labor? The 25th is the SuperBowl.\" 12. \"Darned if you ain't about five pounds away from a surprise visit from that Richard Simmons fella.\" 11. \"Fred at the office passed a stone the size of a pea. Boy, that's gotta hurt.\" 10. \"Whoa! For a minute there, I thought I woke up next to Willard Scott!\" 9. \"I'm jealous. Why can't men experience the joy of childbirth?\" 8. \"Are your ankles supposed to look like that?\" 7. \"Get your *own* ice cream.\" 6. \"Geez, you're awfully puffy looking today.\" 5. \"Got milk?\" 4. \"Maybe we should name the baby after my secretary, Tawney.\" 3. \"Man! That rose tattoo on your hip is the size of Madagascar!\" 2. \"Retaining water ? Yeah, like the Hoover Dam retains water.\" And the Number 1 Fatal Thing To Say If Your Wife Is Pregnant... 1. \"You don't have the guts to pull that trigger.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Women", + "output": "A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office. After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone. He said, \"Your husband is suffering from a very severe stress disorder. If you don't do the following, your husband will surely die.\" \"Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant at all times. For lunch make him a nutritious meal. For dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him. Don't burden him with chores. Don't discuss your problems with him, it will only make his stress worse. No nagging. And most importantly, make love with your husband several times a week. If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely.\" On the way home, the husband asked his wife. \"What did the doctor say?\" \"He said you're going to die,\" she replied." + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Women", + "output": "A couple went on vacation to a resort up north. The husband liked to fish, and the wife liked to read. One morning the husband came back from fishing after getting up really early that morning and took a nap. While he slept, the wife decided to take the boat out. She was not familiar with the lake, so she rowed out and anchored the boat, and started reading her book. Along comes the Game Warden in his boat, pulls up alongside the woman's boat and asks her what she's doing? She says, \"Reading my book.\" The Game Warden tells her she is in a restricted fishing area and she explains that she's not fishing. To which he replied, \"But you have all this equipment. I will have to take you in and write you up!\" Angry that the warden was being so unreasonable, the lady told the warden, \"If you do that, I will charge you with rape.\" The warden, shocked by her statement, replied, \"But I didn't even touch you.\" To which the lady replied, \"Yeah, but you have all the equipment!\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Women", + "output": "Women's Bumper-Stickers ----------------------- SO MANY MEN, SO FEW WHO CAN AFFORD ME. GOD MADE US SISTERS; PROZAC MADE US FRIENDS. IF THEY DON'T HAVE CHOCOLATE IN HEAVEN, I AIN'T GOING. MY MOTHER IS A TRAVEL AGENT FOR GUILT TRIPS. PRINCESS, HAVING HAD SUFFICIENT EXPERIENCE WITH PRINCES, SEEKS FROG. COFFEE, CHOCOLATE, MEN...SOME THINGS ARE JUST BETTER RICH. DON'T TREAT ME ANY DIFFERENTLY THAN YOU WOULD THE QUEEN. IF YOU WANT BREAKFAST IN BED, SLEEP IN THE KITCHEN. DINNER IS READY WHEN THE SMOKE ALARM GOES OFF. I'M OUT OF ESTROGEN-AND I HAVE A GUN. GUYS HAVE FEELINGS TOO, BUT LIKE...WHO CARES? NEXT MOOD SWING: 6 MINUTES. WARNING: I HAVE AN ATTITUDE AND I KNOW HOW TO USE IT. OF COURSE I DON'T LOOK BUSY...I DID IT RIGHT THE FIRST TIME. YOU HAVE THE RIGHT TO REMAIN SILENT, SO PLEASE SHUT UP. ALL STRESSED OUT AND NO ONE TO CHOKE. I'M ONE OF THOSE BAD THINGS THAT HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE. HOW CAN I MISS YOU IF YOU WON'T GO AWAY? SORRY IF I LOOKED INTERESTED. I'M NOT. IF WE ARE WHAT WE EAT, I'M FAST, CHEAP AND EASY. DON'T UPSET ME! I'M RUNNING OUT OF PLACES TO HIDE THE BODIES." + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Women", + "output": "Once a woman was in labor; she was having a really tough time dealing with the pain. The doctor came to her husband and her and told them of a new experimental drug that allows the woman to transfer 25% of the pain to the father. The husband feels really bad for his wife so he decides they will try it.The wife takes the pill and a few minutes later the husband says, \"I don't feel a thing. You women are babies. Take another pill I can handle this.\" So the wife takes another pill. Same thing happens. Her husband tells her to take another pill. Same thing. By now she has transferred 75% of her pain to her husband. She is feeling a little pain but her husband is still feeling nothing. He is convinced that women are complete wuses. He tells her, \"Take another pill. This isn't hurting me at all. Let me take all the pain away.\" So she does. Now they are both feeling great.A few hours later, the wife gives birth to a beautiful baby boy. The next day they take their newborn son home, and there they find the mailman dead on the doorstep." + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Women", + "output": "\"The car won't start,\" aid a wife to her husband. \"I think there's water in the carburettor.\"\"How do you know?\" said the husband scornfully. \"You don't even know what the carburettor is.\"\"I'm telling you,\" repeated the wife, \"I'm sure there's water in the carburettor.\"\"We'll see,\" mocked the husband. \"Let me check it out. Where's the car?\"\"In the swimming pool.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Women", + "output": "Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a State Police Officer sees a car puttering along at 22 MPH. He thinks to himself, \"This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!\" So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over.Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies -- two in the front seat and three in the back - eyes wide and white as ghosts.The driver, obviously confused, says to him, \"Officer, I don't understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?\"\"Ma'am,\" the officer replies, \"You weren't speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers.\"\"Slower than the speed limit?\" she asked. No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly... Twenty-Two miles an hour!\" the old woman says a bit proudly. The State Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that \"22\" was the route number, not the speed limit. A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error.\"But before I let you go, Ma'am, I have to ask... Is everyone in this car ok? These women seem awfully shaken and they haven't muttered a single peep this whole time.\" the officer asks.\"Oh, they'll be alright in a minute officer. We just got off Route 119.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Women", + "output": "This guy had a very attractive wife, who was always wanting clothes, jewelry, etc., but he was not too well off. One day his wife came home with a diamond neckless. The guy asked: \"Where did you get that?\" His wife replied: \"I won it at bingo.\" The next night she came home with a mink coat. The guy asked: \"Where did you get that?\" His wife replied: \"I won it at bingo.\" The next night she came home with a Mercedes Benz. The guy asked: \"Where did you get that?\" His wife replied: \"I won it at bingo. Please go upstairs and run my bath for me.\" His wife came upstairs to find a very small amount of water in the tub. The wife asked: \"How come you put so little water in the tub?\" The guy replied: \"I didn't want you to wet your bingo card\"." + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Women", + "output": "A young playboy took a blind date to an amusement park. They went for a ride on the Ferris wheel. The ride completed, she seemed rather bored.\"What would you like to do next?\" he asked. \"I wanna be weighed,\" she said.So the young man took her over to the weight guesser.\"One-twelve,\" said the man at the scale, and he was absolutely right. Next they rode the roller coaster. After that, he bought her some popcorn and cotton candy, then he asked what else she would like to do.\"I wanna be weighed,\" she said.He really latched onto a square one tonight, thought the young man, and using the excuse he had developed a headache, he took the girl home. The girl's mother was surprised to see her home so early, and asked, \"What's wrong, dear, didn't you have a nice time tonight?\"\"Wousy,\" said the girl." + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Women", + "output": "A doctor and his wife were having a big argument at breakfast.\"You aren't so good in bed either!\" he shouted and stormed off to work.By midmorning, he decided he'd better make amends and phoned home. After many rings, his wife picked up the phone.\"What took you so long to answer?\"\"I was in bed.\"\"What were you doing in bed this late?\"\"Getting a second opinion.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Women", + "output": "On the fourth day of their honeymoon, the 21 year old bride was begging for mercy from her 75 year old husband. Rather than endure yet another lovemaking session, she slipped out of the room while he was showering and went to the hotel coffee shop. The waitress, who had served the couple breakfast each day, was shocked at the woman's appearance. \"Honey, you're just a young thing,\" she remarked, \"but you look like hell. What's up?\"\"I've been double-crossed,\" the miserable bride moaned. \"When he said he'd been saving up for 50 years, I thought he meant CASH!\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Women", + "output": "Father O'Grady was saying his goodbyes to the parishioners after his Sunday morning service as he always does whenMary Clancey came up to him in tears.\"What's bothering you so, dear?\" inquired Farther O'Grady.\"Oh, father, I've got terrible news.\" Replied Mary.\"Well what is it, Mary?\"\"Well, my husband, passed away last night, Father.\"\"Oh, Mary\" said the father, \"that's terrible. Tell me Mary, did he have any last requests?\"\"Well, yes he did father,\" replied Mary.\"What did he ask, Mary?\"Mary replied, \"He said, 'Please, Mary, put down the gun...'\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Women", + "output": "A woman and a man got into a really bad car accident. Both cars are totaled, but luckily no one was hurt. After they crawled out of their cars, the woman said,\"Wow, just look at our cars! They are destroyed. Fortunately, we aren't hurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days.\" The man replied, \"I agree with you completely. This must be a sign from God! \" The woman continued, \"And look at this, here's another miracle.... My car is completely ruined but this bottle of wine didn't break. It's a sign that God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune.\" Then she handed the bottle to the man. The man agreed, opened the bottle and drank half, and then handed it back to the woman. The woman takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap back on, and handed it back to the man. The man asked, \"Aren't you having any?\" The woman replied, \"No. I think I'll just wait for the police" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Women", + "output": "Two women friends had gone for a Girls Night Out, and had been decidedly over-enthusiastic on the cocktails. Incredibly drunk and walking home, they needed to pee. They were very near a graveyard and one of them suggested they do their business behind a head stone or something. The first woman had nothing to wipe with so she thought she'd take off her panties, use them, then throw them away. Her friend, however, was wearing a rather expensive underwear set and didn't want to ruin hers but was lucky to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on one of the graves and proceeded to wipe herself with that. After finishing, they then made off for home. The next day the first woman's husband phoned the other husband and said, \"These girls night out have got to stop. My wife came home last night without her panties.\" \"That's nothing, said the other husband, \"Mine came back with a card stuck between the cheeks of her butt that said, \"From All of Us At the Fire Station, We'll Never Forget You.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Women", + "output": "Sam & Becky are celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary and Sam says to Becky \"So, Becky, I was wondering... Have you ever cheated on me?\" Becky replies, \"Oh Sam, why would you ask such a question now? You don't want to ask that question...\" \"Yes, Becky, I really want to know. Please...\" \"Well, all right, 3 times...\" \"3, hmmm, well when were they?\" \"Well, Sam, remember when you were 35 years old and you really wanted to start the business on your own and no bank would give you a loan... Remember, then one day the bank president himself came over the house and signed the loan papers, no questions asked... Well...\" \"Oh, Becky, you did that for me! I respect you even more than ever, to do such a thing for me.... So when was number 2?\" \"Well, Sam, remember when you had that last heart attack and you were needing that very tricky operation, and no surgeon wanted to touch you... Then remember how Dr. DeBakey came all the way up here to do the surgery himself and then you were in good shape again... Well....\" \"Oh my God!! Becky, you should do such a thing for me, to save my life... I couldn't have a more wonderful wife... To do such a thing, , you must really love me darling... I couldn't be more moved... So, all right then, when was number 3?\" \"Well, Sam, remember a few years ago, when you really wanted to be president of the congregation.... And you were 47 votes short....\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Women", + "output": "A woman was leaving a 7-11 with her morning coffee when she noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery. A long black hearse was followed by a second black hearse just 50 feet behind. Behind the second hearse was a solitary woman walking a pit bull on a leash. Behind her 200 women walking single file. The woman's curiosity got the best of her. She respectfully approached the woman walking the dog and said, \"I am so sorry for your loss and I know now is a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?\" The woman replied, \"Well, the first hearse is for my husband.\" \"What happened to him?\" The woman replied, \"My dog attacked and killed him.\" The woman was even more inquisitive, \"Well, who's in the second hearse?\" \"My-mother-in law. She tried to help my husband when the dog turned on her and killed her too.\" A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passed between the two women. \"Could I borrow that dog?\" \"Get in line.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Women", + "output": "A policeman sent his wife and child to a sea resort for a vacation. After a week he joins them in the hotel. Since he's been away from his wife for a week, he wants to make love with her. \"No darling, we can't do it here\" she says, \"our kid is watching us.\" \"You're right\" he says, \"let's go to the beach.\" After a while, they start to make love on an empty beach. All of a sudden, a policeman appears. \"Put your clothes on immediately, shame on you, you can't do that in public!\" \"You're right\", said the husband, \"but it was a moment of weakness. We didn't see each other for a week. By the way, I'm a policeman too and it would be very embarrassing if you were to fine me.\" \"Don't worry, you're a colleague and it's your first time. But this is the third time I caught her making love on this beach in the last week and she'll have to pay for it!\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Women", + "output": "There was a man and his wife walking down the road on their way home.The wife saw a baby skunk laying in the grass, so she decided to take it home and take care of it. On the way home they came up to a river. The wife, concered for the skunk, asked her husband what to do with the skunk so he doesn't get wet. The husband replied: \"well, stick him up your dress\". The wife, again concered, asked: \"what about the smell?\".The husband replied: \"awww, he'll get use to it.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Women", + "output": "Three young women in there thirties are on a road trip and are tearing down the freeway. unfortunatley, they lose control, the car flips over the guard rail on to the opposite lanes and gets smashed by an eighteen wheeler. Up at the pearly gates, all three of them are greeted by St. Peter. He tells them. \"All of you led very good lives down on earth, so all of you will be asmitted into paradise. The only rule: DON\"T STEP ON THE DUCKS.\"confused, they all ask \"um...what?\"St. Peter says \"if you step on one duck, it quacks. if a duck quacks, other ducks will start quacking, and...well...you'll see.\"With that, the gates opened and the three waltzed inside. And, sure enough, All of heaven is covered with ducks. there is almost no room to walk with the millions of ducks.a day of careful stepping later, the first woman steps on a duck. seconds later, every single duck in heaven is quacking. it's so loud the women aren't suprised if earth could hear it. hours later, when the quacking ceased, an angel appears with a ver ugly man and chains him to the lady and tells her this is her eternal punishment for the duck-stepping. Not wanting the same fate, the other two women become very cautious for the next week, but sure enough, the second lady steps on a duck.she gets the same punishment as the first lady.The third lady becomes so careful that, a year-and-a-half later, she is still duck-free. then, an angel appears next to her with a very handsome man and chains him to her. Thinking that this must be a reward for her good-doing she asks the man gleefully \"What did I do to deserve this?\"And the man replies with a grimace, \"I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Women", + "output": "Joan, who was a rather well-proportioned secretary, spent almost all of her vacation sunbathing on the roof of her hotel. She wore a bathing suit the first day, but on the second, she decided that no one could see her way up there, and she slipped out of it for an overall tan. She'd hardly begun when she heard someone running up the stairs. She was lying on her stomach, so she just pulled a towel over her rear. \"Excuse me, miss,\" said the flustered assistant manager of the hotel, out of breath from running up the stairs. \"The Hilton doesn't mind your sunbathing on the roof, but we would very much appreciate your wearing a bathing suit as you did yesterday.\" \"What difference does it make?\" Joan asked rather calmly. \"No one can see me up here, and besides, I'm covered with a towel.\" \"Not exactly,\" said the embarrassed man. \"You're lying on the dining room skylight.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Women", + "output": "A young couple got married and left on their honeymoon. When they got back, the bride immediately called her mother. Her mother asked, \"How was the honeymoon?\"\"Oh, mama,\" she replied, \"the honeymoon was wonderful! So romantic...\" Suddenly she burst out crying. \"But, mama, as soon as we returned Sam started using the most horrible language...things I'd never heard before!I mean, all these awful 4-letter words! You've got to come get me and take me home.... Please mama!\"\"Sarah, Sarah,\" her mother said, \"calm down! Tell me, what could be so awful? What 4-letter words?\"\"Please don't make me tell you, mama,\" wept the daughter, \"I'm so embarrassed they're just too awful! Come get me, please!\" \"Darling, baby, you must tell me what has you so upset....Tell your mother these horrible 4-letter words!\"Still sobbing, the bride said, \"Oh, mama...words like DUST, WASH, IRON, COOK...!\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Women", + "output": "A young couple is out carousing one evening. While driving down the highway the guy says to the girl, \"If I go 100 miles an hour, will you take off your clothes?\" She agrees and he begins to speed up. When the spedometer hits 100 she starts to strip. When she gets all her clothes off he is so busy staring at her that he drives off the road and flips the car. The girl is thrown clear without a scratch but her clothes and her boyfriend are trapped in the car. \"Go get help.\", he pleads. She replies, \"I can't, I'm naked.\" He points to his shoe that was thrown clear and says \"Cover your snatch with that and go get help.\" She takes the shoe, covers herself, and runs to the gas station down the road. When she arrives she is frantic and yells to the attendant, \"HELP! HELP! My boyfriend's stuck!\" The attendant looks down at the shoe covering her crotch and replies, \"I'm sorry Miss. He's too far in.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Business", + "output": "If you had bought $1000 worth of Nortel stock one year ago, it would now be worth $49. With Enron, you would have $16 of the original $1,000. With WorldCom, you would have less than $5 left. If you had bought $1,000 worth of beer one year ago, drank all the beer, then turned in the cans for the deposit, you would have $214. Clearly, the best investment is to drink heavily and recycle." + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Women", + "output": "Marty wakes up at home with a huge hangover. He forces himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins and a glass of water on the side table. He sits down and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. Marty looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotless, clean. So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins and notices a note on the table. \"Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go shopping. Love you.\" So he goes to the kitchen and sure enough there is a hot breakfast and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating Marty asks, \"Son, what happened last night?\" His son says, \"Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and delirious. Broke some furniture, puked in the hallway, and gave yourself a black eye when you stumbled into the door.\" Confused, Marty asks, \"So, why is everything in order and so clean, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?\" His son replies, \"Oh that! Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you aid, \"Lady, leave me alone, I'm married!\"." + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Sex", + "output": "Three women are in a gym locker room dressing up to play racquetball, Suddenly, a guy runs through the room wearing nothing but a bag over his head and passes the three women. He passes the first woman, who looks down at his crotch. \"He's not my husband,\" she says. He passes by the second woman, who also looks down at his crotch. \"He's not my husband either.\" She says, also not recognizing the unit. He passes by the third woman, who also looks down as he runs by her. \"Wait a minute,\" she says. \"He's not even a member of this club.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Women", + "output": "A very traditional elderly woman was enjoying a good game of bridge with her girlfriends one evening. \"Oh, no! I have to rush home and fix dinner for my husband! He's going to really ticked if it's not ready on time!\" she exclaimed suddenly.When she got home, she realized that she didn't have enough time to go to the supermarket, and all she had in the cupboard was a wilted lettuce leaf, an egg, and a can of cat food. In a panic, she opened the can of cat food, stirred in the egg, and garnished it with the lettuce leaf just as her husband pulled up.She greeted her husband and then watched in horror as he sat down to his dinner. To her surprise, the husband really enjoyed his dinner. \"Darling, this is the best dinner you have made for me in forty years of marriage. You can make this for me any old day.\"Needless to say, every bridge night from then on, the woman made her husband the same dish. She told her bridge cronies about it and they were all horrified.\"You're going to kill him!\" they exclaimed.Two months later, her husband died.The women were sitting around the table playing bridge when one of the cronies said, \"You killed him! We told you that feeding him that cat food every week would do him in! How can you just sit there so calmly and play bridge knowing you murdered your husband?\"The wife stoically replied, \"I didn't kill him. He fell off the mantel while he was cleaning himself.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Women", + "output": "A very attractive young lady was sitting in a fine restaurant one night. Waiting for her date as she was, she wanted to make sure everything was perfect. So, as she bends down in her chair to get the mirror from her purse, she accidentally farts quite loudly just as the waiter walks up. Sitting up straight now, embarrassed and red faced, knowing everyone in the place heard her, turns to the waiter and demands \"Stop That!\" The waiter looks at her dryly and says \"Sure lady, which way was it headed?\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Women", + "output": "Two women came before wise King Solomon, dragging between them a young man in a three-piece suit. \"This young lawyer agreed to marry my daughter,\" said the first one.\"No! He agreed to marry MY daughter,\" said the other.And so they haggled before the King until he called for silence.\"Bring me my biggest sword,\" said Solomon, \"and I shall hew the young attorney in half. Each of you shall receive a half.\"\"Sounds good to me,\" said the first woman.But the other woman said, \"Oh Sire, do not spill innocent blood. Let the other woman's daughter marry him.\"The wise King did not hesitate a moment. \"The attorney must marry the first lady's daughter,\" he proclaimed.\"But she was willing to hew him in two!\" exclaimed the King's court.\"Indeed,\" said wise King Solomon. \"That shows she is the TRUE mother-in-law.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Women", + "output": "A married couple are driving along a highway doing 60mph, the wife behind the wheel. Her husband suddenly looks over at her and says, \"Honey, I know we've been married for 20 years, but I want a divorce.\" The wife says nothing but slowly increases speed to 70 mph. He then says, \"I don't want you to try to talk me out of it, because I've been having an affair with your best friend, and she's a better lover than you are.\" Again the wife stays quiet but speeds up as her anger increases. \"I want the house,\" he insists, pressing his luck. Again the wife speeds up, to eighty mph. He says, \"I want the car, too,\" but she just drives faster and faster. By now she's up to ninety mph. \"All right,\" he says, \"I want the bank accounts, and all the credit cards, too.\" The wife slowly starts to veer toward a bridge. This makes him a bit nervous, so he says, \"Isn't there anything you want?\" The wife says, \"No, I've got everything I need.\" \"Oh, really,\" he says, \"so what have you got?\" Right before they slam into the wall at a 100 mph, the wife smiles and says, \" The airbag.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Women", + "output": "A young woman from New York was driving through a remote part of Texas when her car broke down. An American Indian on horseback soon came along and offered her a ride to a nearby town. She climbed up behind him on the horse and they rode off. The ride was uneventful, except that every few minutes the Indian would shout out a wild \"Ye-e-e-e-e-ha-a-a-\" so loud that it echoed off the surrounding hills. When they arrived in town, he let her off at the local service station, she expressed her thanks, and he yelled a final \"Ye-e-e-e-e-ha-a-a!\" and rode off. \"Why was that Indian so excited?\" asked the service station attendant. \"I don't know. I just rode behind him on the horse with my arms around his waist and holding onto the saddle horn so that I wouldn't fall off,\" the woman answered. \"Lady,\" the attendant said, \"Indians don't use saddles.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Women", + "output": "A woman and her lover are in bed together when the husband comes home. The woman jumps up, shoves the guy in a corner of the bedroom, rubs him down in baby oil and covers him in talcum powder.\"Don't move! You're a statue!\"The husband comes up to the bedroom and inquires about the new decoration. The wife explains that the Smith family next door acquired a statue for their bedroom recently, and if they could get one, so could she.The married couple go to bed, but at midnight the husband goes downstairs, gets a glass of milk and some cookies, and comes back upstairs. He hands the snack to the statue and says, \"Here. I stood around for 3 days at the Smiths', and they never fed me a thing!\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Women", + "output": "After all the background checks, interviews and testing were done, there were three finalists: two men and a woman. For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. \"We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. \"Kill her!!!\". The man said, \"You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife.\" The agent said, \"Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home.\" The second man was given the e same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the man came out with tears in his eyes. \"I tried, but I can't kill my wife.\" The agent said, \"You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home.\" Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one shot after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow. \"This gun is loaded with blanks,\" she said. \"I had to beat him to death with the chair.\" Moral: Women are evil. Don't mess with them." + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Women", + "output": "Adam was walking around the garden of Eden feeling very lonely, so God asked him, \"What is wrong with you?\"Adam said he didn't have anyone to talk to.God said that he was going to make Adam a companion and that it would be a woman.He said, \"This person will gather food for you, cook for you, when you discover clothing, she'll wash it for you. She will always agree with every decision you make. She will bear your children and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them. She will not nag you, and will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you've had a disagreement. She will never have a headache, and will freely give you love and passion whenever you need it.\"Adam asked God, \"What will a woman like this cost?\"God replied, \"An arm and a leg.\"Then Adam asked, \"What can I get for a rib?\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Women", + "output": "There was a middle-aged couple who had two stunningly beautiful blonde teen-aged daughters. They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted. After months of trying, the wife became pregnant and sure enough, nine months later delivered a healthy baby boy.The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son. He took one look and was horrified to see the ugliest child he has ever seen. He went to his wife and said that there was no way that he could be the father of that child. \"Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered!\" Then he gave her a stern look and asked, \"Have you been fooling around on me?\"The wife just smiled sweetly and said, \"Not this time.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Women", + "output": "A middle aged woman has a heart attack. While on the operating table she has a near death experience. She sees God, and asks if this is it. God says no, that she has another 30-40 years to live. She recovers, and decides to stay in the hospital and have a face lift, liposuction, tummy tuck, hair dyed, etc. She figures since she's got another 30 or 40 years she might as well make the most of it. She walks out of the hospital after the last operation and immediately gets hit by an ambulance. She arrives in front of God and asks, \"I thought you said I had another 30 or 40 years?\" To which God replies, \"To tell you the truth, I didn't recognize you.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Women", + "output": "A blonde suspected that her boyfriend was cheating on her, so she bought a gun. She went to his apartment that same day, with the pistol in hand. Sure enough, when she opened the door, she found her boyfriend in the arms of a redhead. Overcome with grief, she put the gun to the side of her head. Her boyfriend screamed, “Honey, don’t do it...” The blonde yelled back, “Shut up! You’re next!”" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Women", + "output": "A husband and wife were having an argument. Suddenly the husband picked up a bottle lying near him and threw it at his wife. The bottle missed the wife and got into the neighbours' house breaking the window glass. Now both the husband and wife got embarassed and went to apologise to the neighbour. Upon reaching the house, they found out a young man sitting on a couch with a smile on his face. Before the couple could say anything, the man said, \"I am a genie. I was enclosed in that bottle for many years, but you two have set me free, so ask for any three boons you want to and it shall be fulfilled. But against your three boons you will have to fulfill one wish of mine\". The couple were so happy that they didn't think twice and presented their wishes.\"I want millions of dollars in my account\", The husband said. \"Done\", said the genie.\"I want diamond jewelleries in all my vaults\". \"Done\", said the genie.\"I want bunglows all over the world\", said the husband.\"Done\", said the geniee.Now it was the time of the genies wish. \"So\" the genie said, \"I have fulfilled all the three wishes you have said, and its time for my wish. I have not slept with a women for long. I wish to have sex with your wife. The couple got worried, but the husband explained that it was only a genie and it didn't matter much to him. Besides the genie has given them a lot of things. So the wife consented. The geniee and the wife had a lovely night together. Finally in the morning the genie said, \"it was wonderful but how old is your husband?\"\"Why, he is just thirty five\"\"My god \", said the geniee, \"even at thirty five he still believes in geniees\"." + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Women", + "output": "A man escapes from a prison where he had been kept for 15 years. As he runs away, he finds a house and breaks into it, looking for money and guns, but only finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him up in a chair. While tying the girl up to the bed, he gets on top of her, kisses her on the neck, then gets up, and goes to the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife, \"Listen, this guy is an escaped prisoner, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail, and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, just do what he tells you, just give him satisfaction. This guy must be dangerous, if he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you.\" To which the wife responds, \"He was not kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked if we kept any Vaseline in the bathroom. Be strong, honey, I love you, too.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Aviation", + "output": "On a Trans-Atlantic flight, a plane passes through a severe storm. Theturbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse when one wing isstruck by lightning.One woman in particular loses it. Screaming,she stands up in the frontof the plane. \"I'm too young to die!\" she wails.Then she yells, \"Well, if I'm going to die, I want my last minutes onearth to be memorable! No one has ever made me really feel like awoman! Well I've had it! Is there ANYONE on this plane who can make mefeel like a WOMAN??\"For a moment there is silence. Everyone has forgotten their own peril,and they all stare, riveted, at the desperate woman in the front of theplane.Then, a man stands up in the rear of the plane. \"I can make you feellike a woman,\" he says.He's gorgeous! Tall, built, with flowing black hair and jet black eyes,he starts to walk slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt one buttonat a time.No one moves.The woman is breathing heavily in anticipation as the strange manapproaches.He removes his shirt.Muscles ripple across his chest as he reaches her, and extends the armholding his shirt to the trembling woman, and whispers: \"Iron this.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Women", + "output": "A man and a woman were waiting at the hospital donation center.Man: \"What are you doing here today?\"Woman: \"Oh, I`m here to donate some blood. They`re going to give me $5 for it.\"Man: \"Hmm, that`s interesting. I`m here to donate sperm, myself. But they pay me $25.\"The woman looked thoughtful for a moment and they chatted some more before going their separate ways.Several months later, the same man and woman meet again in the donation center.Man: \"Oh, hi there! Here to donate blood again?\"Woman: [shaking her head with mouth closed] \"Unh unh.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Women", + "output": "Sophie just got married, and being a traditional Italian was still a virgin. On her wedding night, staying at her mother's house, she was nervous. But mother reassured her.\"Don't worry, Sophie. Luca's a good man. Go upstairs, and he'll take care of you.\"So up she went. When she got upstairs, Luca took off his shirt and exposed his hairy chest. Sophie ran downstairs to her mother and says, \"Mama, Mama, Luca's got a big hairy chest.\"\"Don't worry, Sophie\", says the mother, \"All good men have hairy chests. Go upstairs. He'll take good care of you.\" So, up she went again. When she got up in the bedroom, Luca took off his pants exposing his hairy legs. Again Sophie ran downstairs to her mother. \"Mama, Mama, Luca took off his pants, and he's got hairy legs!\"\"Don't worry. All good men have hairy legs. Luca's a good man. Go upstairs, and he'll take good care of you.\"So, up she went again. When she got up there, Luca took off his socks, and on his left foot he was missing three toes. When Sophie saw this, she ran downstairs. \"Mama, Mama, Luca's got a foot and a half!\" \"Stay here and stir the pasta\", says the mother. \"This is a job for Mama!\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Women", + "output": "A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office. After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone. He said, \"Your husband is suffering from a very severe stress disorder. If you don't follow my instructions carefully, your husband will surely die. \"Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant at all times. For lunch make him a nutritious meal. For dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him. \"Don't burden him with chores. Don't discuss your problems with him; it will only make his stress worse. Do not nag him. Most importantly, make love to him regularly. \"If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely.\" On the way home, the husband asked his wife, \"What did the doctor say?\" \"He said you're going to die,\" she replied." + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Women", + "output": "A woman goes into a tattoo parlor and tells the tattoo artist that she wants a tattoo of a turkey on her right thigh, right up just below her bikini line. She also wants him to put \"Happy Thanksgiving\" under the turkey. So the guy does it and it comes out looking real good. The woman then instructs him to put a Santa Clause with \"Merry Christmas\" up on her left thigh. So the guy does it and it comes out looking good too. As the woman is getting dressed to leave, the tattoo artist says, \"If you don't mind, could you tell me why you had me put such unusual tattoos on your thighs?\" She said, \"I'm sick and tired of my husband complaining all the time that there's nothing good to eat between Thanksgiving and Christmas.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Women", + "output": "Two women came before wise King Solomon, dragging between them a young man.\"This young man agreed to marry my daughter,\" said one.\"No! He agreed to marry MY daughter,\" said the other.And so they began arguing until the King called for silence.\"Bring me my biggest sword,\" said Solomon, \"and I shall hew the young man in half. Each of you shall receive a half.\"\"Sounds good to me,\" said the first lady.But the other woman said, \"Oh Sire, do not spill innocent blood. Let the other woman's daughter marry him.\"The wise king did not hesitate a moment. \"The man must marry the first woman's daughter,\" he proclaimed.\"But she was willing to hew him in two!\" exclaimed the king's court.\"Indeed,\" said wise King Solomon. \"That shows she is the TRUE mother-in-law.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Office Jokes", + "output": "Tom had this problem of getting up late in the morning and was always late for work. His boss was mad at him and threatened to fire him if he didn't do something about it. So Tom went to his doctor who gave him a pill and told him to take it before he went to bed. Tom slept well and in fact beat the alarm in the morning. He had a leisurely breakfast and drove cheerfully to work. \"Boss,\" he said, \"The pill actually worked!\" \"That's all fine\" said the boss. \"But where were you yesterday?\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Women", + "output": "A woman is driving her car when she is pulled over by a a cop.He says to her: \"Ma'am, may i see your licence please? you were speeding\". The woman answers: \"Oh no, officer, I don't have a licence, they took it after the 4th time i was caught driving drunk.\".The officer replies: \"That is serious. Give me the car's registration forms, please\". The woman answers: \"Oh, this is not my car. I stole it from my boss after i killed him. His body is in the trunk, by the way\".The cop is amazed and immidietly calls for backup while slowly moving away from the car, his hand on his gun.When backup comes, the chief of the police approaches the woman with his gun pointed at her and orders her to get out of the vehicle. The woman walks out, as ordered. Then the cheif says: \"Ma'am, the officer said you reported a dead body in your trunk. please open it\".The woman acts amazed and when she opens the trunk, there is nothing there.The surprised cheif says: \"Can i also see your driving-licence?\".The woman opens her wallet and hands her licence to him.The chief says: \"Well, i'm soory ma'am, i don't know what to say. The officer over there told me you had a dead body in your trunk and that you didn't have a licence\".The woman smiles and says: \"bet you that bastard also told you i was speeding, didn't he?\"..." + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Women", + "output": "A husband is driving his car, with his wife sitting next to him. Suddenly, the police siren is heard, and he is requested to stop. The policman comes to him and says: \"sir, do you know that you have been speeding for the last 5 minutes?\". The husband replies, imploringly: \"Oh no, i really didn'y notice, officer. I am so sorry, i promise not to do that again\", but then he is interrupted by his wife, who says: \"That's not true, he knew he was speeding and had no intention to slow-down\". The policman continues: \"also, may i ask why you don't have your sit-belt on, sir?\". The man replies nerveslly: \"You see, i released it when i heard the siren cause i wanted to approach you and..\" but again he is interrupted by his wife, who says: \"that's rubbish, he wasn't wearing it since we left home\". Then, the husband loses it and yells to his wife: \"would you shut-up, you stupid cow?!\". The policman, shocked, asks: \"Mam, are you going to let him speak to you like that?\". To that the woman replies: \"Oh, don't wory officer. He is always like that when he's drunk\"..." + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Women", + "output": "A man had six children and was very proud of his achievement. He was so proud of himself that he started calling his wife, \"Mother of Six,\" in spite of her objections.One night they went to a party. The man decided that it was time to go home, and wanted to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well. He shouted at the top of his voice, \"Shall we go home, Mother of Six?\"His wife, irritated by her husband's lack of discretion shouted back, \"Anytime you're ready, Father of Four!\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Women", + "output": "A man and a woman were waiting in line at the hospital donation center. Man: \"What are you doing here today?\" Woman: \"Oh, I'm here to donate some blood. They're going to give me $5 for it.\" Man: \"Hmm, that's interesting. I'm here to donate sperm, myself. But they pay me $25.\" The woman looked thoughtful for a moment and they chatted some more before going their separate ways. Several months later, the same man and woman meet again in the same line. Man: \"Hi there! Here to donate blood again?\" Woman: (shaking her head with mouth closed) \"Unh unh.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Women", + "output": "A woman gets home, schreeches her car into the driveway, runs into the house, slams the door and shouts at the top of her lungs, \"Honey, pack your bags. I won the damn lottery!\" The husband says, \"Ohmigod! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?\" The wife yells back, \"I couldn't care less... just get the hell out!\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Women", + "output": "A local bank is very pleased to announce that they are installingnew Drive-thru ATMs where their customers will be able withdraw cash withoutleaving their vehicle. Male and Female procedures have beentailored to best reflect the behaviours of those particular groupings.PROCEDURE FOR MALE CUSTOMERS:1. Drive up to the ATM2. Open the car window3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN4. Enter amount of cash required and press \"enter\"5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt6. Close window7. Drive awayPROCEDURE FOR FEMALE CUSTOMERS:1. Drive up to the ATM2. Reverse back the required distance to align car with ATM3. Re-start stalled engine4. Open the car window5. Find handbag, empty all contents onto the passenger seat and locate card6. Turn radio down & end call on cell phone7. Attempt to insert card into ATM8. Open car door to allow easier access to ATM due to excessive distance from car to ATM9. Insert card10. Re-insert card the right way up11. Ignore the sound of car horn from vehicle behind12. Search contents of handbag (on passenger seat) to locate diary with PIN written on the inside back page under \"Date of Birth\"13. Enter PIN14. Press \"cancel\" and re-enter PIN15. Enter amount of cash required and check make-up in rear view mirror16. Drum fingertips on steering wheel, look at ATM for one minute andthen press \"enter\"17. Retrieve cash and receipt18. Search contents of handbag (on passenger seat) to locate purse and place cash inside19. Place receipt in back of cheque book20. Re-check make-up21. Drive forward two metres22. Reverse back to ATM ignoring the sound of car horn from vehicle behind23. Retrieve card24. Search contents of handbag (on passenger seat) to locate card holderand place card in an empty slot25. Drive two or three kilometres Release hand brake" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Women", + "output": "A man was just recovering in hospital after being unconscious for a week. His wife was sitting by his side when he woke up.Man: Honey, you've been by my side when I was in that car crash, you were there when I lost my job, you were present when my parents died, and you were by my side when someone stole all my money from my account.....and you know what?Wife: What?Man: I think you're bad luck." + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Women", + "output": "A woman awoke during the night to find that her husband was not in bed. She put on her robe and went downstairs. He was sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front of him. He appeared to be deep in thought, just staring at the wall. She saw him wipe a tear from his eye and take a sip of his coffee. \"What's the matter dear? Why are you down here at this time of night?\" she asked. \"Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating and you were only 16?\" he asked. \"Yes I do.\" she replied. \"Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?\" \"Yes I remember.\" \"Do you remember your father when he shoved that shotgun in my face and said.'Either you marry my daughter or spend twenty years in jail'?\" \"Yes I do\", she replied. He wiped another tear from his cheek and said, \" You know I would have gotten out today.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Women", + "output": "A man meets a gorgeous woman in a bar. They talk, they connect, they end up leaving together. They get back to her place, and as she shows him around her apartment, he notices that her bedroom is completely packed with teddy bears. Hundreds of small bears on a shelf all the way along the floor, medium sized ones on a shelf a little higher and huge bears on the top shelf along the wall. The man is kind of surprised that this woman would have a collection of teddy bears, especially one that's so extensive, but he decides not to mention this to her. After a night of passion, as they are lying together in the after glow the man rolls over and asks, smiling, \"Well, how was it?\" The woman says, \"You can have any prize from the BOTTOM shelf.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Women", + "output": "A man staggers into an emergency room with a concussion, multiplebruises, two black eyes and a five iron wrapped around his neck.Naturally, the doctor asks him what happened. \"Well,\" the man says, \"it's like this; I was playing a quiet round ofgolf with my wife, when at a difficult hole, we both sliced our ballsinto a pasture of cows. We went to look for them, and while I wasrooting around, I noticed one of the cows had something white on itsrear end. I walked over and lifted up the tail, and sure enough, therewas a golf ball with my wife's monogram on it--stuck right in the middleof the cow's butt. That's when I made my big mistake.\" \"What did you do?\" the doctor asks. \"Well.\" the man replies, \"I lifted the cow's tail and yelled to my wife,'Hey, this looks like yours!' I don't remember much after that.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Women", + "output": "Politically Correct Woman:She is not a BLEACHED BLONDE - She is PEROXIDE DEPENDENT. She is not a BAD COOK - She is MICROWAVE COMPATIBLE. She is not HALF NAKED - She is WARDROBE IMPAIRED. She does not wear TOO MUCH JEWELRY - She is METALLICALLY OVERBURDENED. She is not CONCEITED - She is INTIMATELY AWARE OF HER BEST QUALITIES She does not want to be MARRIED - She wants to lock you in DOMESTIC INCARCERATION. She does not GAIN WEIGHT - She is a METABOLIC UNDERACHIEVER. She is not DUMB - She is a DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY. She is not TOO SKINNY - She is SKELETALLY PROMINENT. She does not HAVE A MUSTACHE - She is IN TOUCH WITH HER MASCULINE SIDE. She does not HATE TELEVISED SPORTS - She is ATHLETICALLY IGNORANT. She does not WEAR TOO MUCH PERFUME - She commits FRAGRANCE ABUSE. She does not GO SHOPPING - She is MALL FLUENT. She is not an AIRHEAD - She is REALITY IMPAIRED. She does not get DRUNK or TIPSY - She gets CHEMICALLY INCONVENIENCED. She does not get FAT or CHUBBY - She achieves MAXIMUM DENSITY. She does not WEAR TOO MUCH MAKEUP - She has reached COSMETIC SATURATION. She does not have BREAST IMPLANTS - She is GRAVITY RESISTANT. She does not NAG YOU - She becomes VERBALLY REPETITIVE She does not have THIN LIPS - She is COLLAGEN DEPENDENT" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Women", + "output": "A beautiful blonde woman is having trouble growing tomatoes... seems she can't get them to turn red. She knows it is not the weather or the soil as the man next door has a garden full of big red tomatoes. She asks him about his secret...\"twice a day\" he says \"I stand naked in front of the tomatoes, they blush and turn bright red.\" This sounds foolish, but what the heck, so she spends the next few days standing nude in her garden. A week goes by and she runs into her neighbor and he asks... \"have your tomatoes turned red?\" \"Not really\" she says...\"but the strangest thing has happened... the cucumbers have swollen up and are standing on end.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Women", + "output": "This elderly lady went to the doctor for a checkup. Everything checked out fine. The old lady pulled the doctor to the side and said, \"Doctor, I haven't had sex for years now, and I was wondering how I can increase my husband's sex drive.\" The doctor smiled and said, \"Have you tried to give him Viagra?\" The lady frowned. \"Doctor, I can't even get him to take aspirin when he has a headache,\" she claimed. \"Well,\" the doctor continued, \"let me suggest something. Crush the Viagra into a powder. When you are giving him coffee, stir it into the coffee and serve it. He won't notice a thing.\" The old lady was delighted. She left the doctor's office quickly. Weeks later the old lady returned. She was frowning and the doctor asked her what was wrong. She shook her head. \"How did it go?\" the doctor asked. \"Terribly, doctor, terribly.\" \"Did it not work?\" \"Yes,\" the old lady said, \"It worked. I did as you said and he got up and ripped his clothes off right then and there and we made mad love on the table. It was the best sex that I'd had in 25 years.\" \"Then what is the problem, ma'am?\" \"Well,\" she said. \"I can't ever show my face in McDonald's again.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Military", + "output": "It was World War II, and the captain was attempting to rally the GIs on the eve of a big offensive. \"Out there is your enemy,\" said the captain. \"The man who has made your life miserable all these weeks, who has been working to destroy you since you came here; the man who has been trying to kill you day after day throughout this war.\" Private Johnson jumped to his feet. \"Oh no,\" he cried. \"The cook's working for the Germans!\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Women", + "output": "The angry wife met her husband at the door. There was alcohol on his breath and lipstick on his collar. \"I assume,\" she snarled, \"that there is a very good reason for you to come waltzing in here at six o'clock in the morning, with beer on your breath, and lipstick on your collar?\" \"There is,\" he replied. \"I'd like some breakfast.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Sex", + "output": "A man is in a hotel lobby. He wants to ask the clerk a question. As he turns to go to the front desk, he accidentally bumps into a woman beside him and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast. They are both quite startled. The man turns to her and says, \"Ma'm, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me.\" She replies, \"if your member is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 436.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Women", + "output": "Q: Why are married women heavier than single women?A: Single women come home, see whats in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see whats in bed and go to the fridge." + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Women", + "output": "A Lady walks into a Mercedes dealership. She browses around, then spots the perfect car and walks over to inspect it. As she bends to feel the fine leather upholstery, a loud fart escapes her. Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed her little accident and hopes a sales person doesn't pop up right now. As she turns back, there standing next to her is Andre a salesman. \"Good day, Madame. How may we help you today?\" Very uncomfortably she asks, \"Sir, what is the price of this lovely vehicle?\" He answers, \"Madame, I'm very sorry to say that if you farted just touching it, you are going to wet yourself when you hear the price.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Women", + "output": "A young and beautiful woman gets into the elevator, smelling likeexpensive perfume. She turns to the old Italian woman on the elevator with her and says arrogantly, \"Giorgio - Beverly Hills, $100 an ounce!\" Another young and beautiful woman gets on the elevator and also smells of very expensive perfume. She arrogantly turns to the old Italian woman and says, \"Chanel No. 5, $150 an ounce!\" About three floors later, the old Italian woman has reached her destination and is about to get off the elevator. Before she leaves she looks both beautiful women in the eyes, turns, bends over, and farts. \"Broccoli - 49 cents a pound.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Women", + "output": "A seventeen-year-old girl goes to see her mom and tells her that she has missed her period for two months. Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancykit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant. Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, \"Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!!\" The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later abrand new Ferrari stops at their house, a mature and distinguished man,with grey hair and impeccably dressed in a very expensive suit stepsout of it and enters the house. He sits in the living room with thefather, the mother and the girl, and tells them: \"Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem. However, I can't marry her because of my personal family situation, but I'll take charge. If a girl is born I will bequeath her 3 stores, 2 townhouses, a beach villa and a $1,000,000 bank account. If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories, and a $1,000,000 bank account. If it is twins, a factory and $500,000 each. However, if there is a miscarriage...\" At this point, the father, who had remained silent all this time, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him: \"You'll screw her again!!!\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Women", + "output": "A woman and a man are involved in a car accident. It's a bad one.Both of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of them are hurt. After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, \"So you're a man, that's interesting. I'm a woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left but fortunately we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days.\" The man replied, \"I agree with you completely. This must be a sign from God! \"The woman continued, \"And look at this, here's another miracle.... My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune.\" Then she hands the bottle to the man. The man shakes his head in agreement,opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman. The woman takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man. The man asks, \"Aren't you having any?\" The woman replies, \"No. I think I'll just wait for the police\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Women", + "output": "A teacher was trying to get one of her students to understand a math problem by asking him this: If there are 3 birds on a powerline and a man shot one of them, how many birds are left. He answered none, because the gunshot scared the other birds away, she answered back,\"I like the way you think.\" Then the student asked the teacher if there are three women sitting on a bench eating ice cream, one is licking the ice cream, one is biting the ice cream, and the other is sucking the ice cream, which of the three are married? The teacher turned bight red and said,\"The one that is sucking the ice cream.\" He answered,\"No, the one with the wedding ring, BUT I LIKE THE WAY YOU THINK.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Crazy Jokes", + "output": "Paddy and his two friends are talking at a bar. His first friend says: \"I think my wife is having an affair with the electrician. The other day I came home and found wire cutters under our bed and they weren't mine.\" His second friend says: \"I think my wife is having an affair with the plumber the other day I found a wrench under the bed and it wasn't mine.\" Paddy says: \"I think my wife is having an affair with a horse.\" Both his friends look at him with utter disbelief. \"No, I'm serious. The other day I came home and found a jockey under our bed.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Women", + "output": "A little old lady told a friend of mine the other day when they were standing in line together that all she had ever wanted to have in life was four animals.My friend who has a large dog and a big heart for strays said, \"oh really, what kind of animals did you want?' The little old lady said \"A mink on my back, a Jaguar in the garage, a tiger in my bed, and a jackass to pay for all of it" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Women", + "output": "A girl walked up to the information desk in her local hospital and said, \"I need to see the upturn, please.\" \"I think, you mean the 'intern,' don't you?\" asked the nurse on duty. \"Yes,\" said the girl. \"I want to have a 'contamination.'\" \"Don't you mean 'examination,'\" the nurse questioned her again. \"Well I want to go to the 'fraternity ward,' anyway.\" \"I'm sure you mean the maternity ward.\" To which the girl replied: \"Upturn, intern; contamination, examination; fraternity, maternity.... What's the difference? All I know is I haven't demonstrated in two months, and I think I'm stagnant.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Women", + "output": "10. I think of you as a brother. (You remind me of that inbred banjo playing geek in 'Deliverance') 9. There's a slight difference in our ages. (I don't want to do my dad.) 8. I'm not attracted to you in 'that' way. (You are the ugliest dork I've ever laid eyes on.) 7. My life is too complicated right now. (I don't want you spending the whole night or else you may hear phone calls from all the other guys I'm seeing.) 6. I've got a boyfriend. (I prefer my male cat and a half gallon of Ben and Jerry's.) 5. I don't date men where I work. (I wouldn't date you if you were in the same 'solar system', much less the same building.) 4. It's not you, it's me. (It's you.) 3. I'm concentrating on my career. (Even something as boring and unfulfilling as my job is better than dating you.) 2. I'm celibate. (I've sworn off only the men like you.) 1. Let's be friends. (I want you to stay around so I can tell you in excruciating detail about all the other men I meet and lay. It's the male perspective thing.)" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "One Liners", + "output": "1.I'm busy. You're ugly. Have a nice day. 2.Warning : I have an attitude and I know how to use it. 3.Remember my name - you'll be screaming it later. 4.Why do people with closed minds always open their mouths? 5.I'm a multi-tasker : I can talk and tick you off at the same time. 6.Do NOT start with me. You will NOT win. 7.You have the right to remain silent, so please SHUT UP. 8.Don't tick me off! I'm running out of places to hide the bodies. 9.Guys have feelings too. But, like . . . who cares? 10.I don't believe in miracles. I rely on them. 11.Next mood swing : 6 minutes and counting. 12.I hate everybody, and you're next. 13.Please don't make me kill you. 14.And your point is . . . 15.I used to be schizophrenic, but we're OK now. 16.All stressed out and no one to choke. 17.I'm one of those bad things that happen to good people. 18.How can I miss you if you won't go away? 19.They aren't hot flashes, they're power surges! 20.Of course I don't look busy . . . I did it right the first time." + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Women", + "output": "One day while walking through the Garden of Eden, Adam looked up to the Heavens and spoke to God. \"Father this place is great, but there is one thing missing\". \"What is that my son\", God answered.\"Well it would be nice to have a mate, I'm awfully lonely down here and all the other animal have mates but me. All I'm asking for is a creature more beautiful than the Garden, one who has a sex drive like mine, never has a headache and one who will cook, clean and be at my beckon call morning, noon and night.\" said Adam.\"Wow that's a tall order, but I have just such a creature in mind, but it's going to cost you\". said God.\"Oh yeah, how much?\" said Adam\"An arm and a leg.\" replied God.Adam thought this over for quite some time and then asked \"Well, what can I get for a rib?\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Women", + "output": "A young couple left the church and arrived at the hotel where they werespending the first night of their honeymoon. They opened the champagne and began undressing.When the bridegroom removed his socks, his new wife asked,\"Ewww - what's wrong with your feet? Your toes look all mangled and weird. Why are your feet so gross?\" \"I had tolio as a child,\" he answered.\"You mean polio?\" she asked. \"No, tolio. The disease only affected my toes.\" The bride was satisfied with this explanation, and they continuedundressing. When the groom took off his pants, his bride once againwrinkled up her nose. \"What's wrong with your knees?\" she asked. \"They're all lumpy and deformed!\" \"As a child, I also had kneasles,\" he explained.\"You mean measles?\" she asked.\"No, kneasles. It was a strange illness that only affected my knees.\" The new bride had to be satisfied with this answer. As the undressingcontinued, her husband at last removed his underwear.\"Don't tell me,\" she said. \"Let me guess... Smallcox?\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Women", + "output": "A recently divorced woman is walking along the beach contemplating how badly she got in her divorce settlement, when she spies a magic lamp washing up on the shore. Ten-fold she rubs the lamp and out pops a magical genie. The genie notices her anger and lets her vent her troubles to him. As a consolation the genie informs her that he will give her three wishes. But, he cautions her that because he does not believe in divorce, he will give her ex-husband ten times the amount of whatever she wishes. The woman is steaming mad, thinking that this is hardly fair, but she makes her first wish. The first wish was for a billion dollars. The genie grants her wish and she finds herself sitting on a pile on one billion one-dollar bills. The genie then reminds her that her husband is now the recipient of 10 billion dollars. The woman can barely contain her anger when she makes her second wish. The second wish was for a beautiful mansion on the shore of her own private bach. In an instant it was granted, but then genie then reminds her again that her ex-husband now owns ten of what she wished for, and points out at the beach to a small development of ten such mansions. Upon hearing this, the woman takes her time to contemplate her last wish. Just as the genie was about to give up on her, the women informs the genie that she wants to make her last wish. But, before she can do this, the genie warns her that her ex-husband will get ten times what she wishes for. “No problem,” said the woman as she grinned in ecstasy. “For my last wish, I’d like to give birth to twins.”" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Women", + "output": "A young man wanted to purchase a gift for his new sweetheart's birthday, and as they had not been dating very long, after careful consideration he decided a pair of gloves would strike the right note : romantic, but not too personal. Accompanied by his sweetheart's younger sister, he went to Nordstorm and bought a pair of white gloves. The sister purchased a pair of panties for herself. During the wrapping, the clerk mixed up the items and the sister got the gloves and the sweetheart got the panties. Without checking the contents, the young man sealed the package and sent it to his sweetheart with the note : \"I chose these because I noticed that you are not in the habit of wearing any when we go out in the evening. If it had not been for your sister, I would have chosen the long ones with the buttons, but she wears short ones that are easier to remove.These are a delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me the pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks and they were hardly soiled. I had her try yours on for me and she looked really smart. I wish I was there to put them on for you the first time, as no doubt other hands will come in contact with them before I have a chance to see you again. When you take them off, remember to blow in them before putting them away as they will naturally be a little damp from wearing. Just think how many times I will kiss them during the coming year. I hope you will wear them for me on Friday night. All my Love\" \"PS The latest style is to wear them folded down with a little fur showing.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Women", + "output": "A woman went to her plastic surgeon to discuss her frown lines. The surgeon brought out a dial.\"If you see any wrinkles, just twist this dial and it will stretch your skin.\"The woman tried the dial and it was working great! But after three years with the dial, she had to see the surgeon again.\"Doctor, I don't know what's wrong; I keep twisting the dial but I just can't get these bags out from under my eyes.\"The Doctor said \", I'm sorry but, those aren't bags under your eyes, those are your breasts.\"\"Oh,\" she said. \"That would explain the goatee.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Women", + "output": "One day a little boy went up to his father to get some help on his vocabulary homework. He had a hard time figuring out what theoritically and realistically meant. He went to his father and asked, \"dad, what does theoritically and realistically mean?\" His father said, \"well son, if you want to know, then this is how you'll find out...go up to your mom and ask her if she would sleep with a complete stranger for $500,000.\" The boy looked puzzled and said, \"but what does this have to do with it?\" \"don't worry about it, just go do it.\" his fahter said. So the boy ran upstairs and came running back down 2 minutes later saying \"Dad, Mom said she would do it.\" His Father said, \"good, now go ask your sister the same question you asked your mother now.\" The boy became confused again. but...but, \"Trust me son, just go ask her and come back.\" So the boy ran into his sisters bedroom and came back out to his father in a matter of a few seconds. \"Dad, sissy said she would do too, but what does this have to do with what theoritically and realistically mean?\" His dad replied, \"well son, theoritically I have 1,000,000 dollars and realistically we have two whores living in the house." + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Crazy Jokes", + "output": "A man walked into a therapist's office looking very depressed. \"Doc, you've got to help me. I can't go on like this.\" \"What's the problem?\" the docotor inquired. \"Well, I'm 35 years old and I still have no luck with the ladies. No matter how hard I try, I just seem to scare them away.\" \"My friend, this is not a serious problem. You just need to work on your self-esteem. Each morning, I want you to get up and run to the bathroom mirror. Tell yourself that you are a good person, a fun person, and an attractive person. But say it with real conviction. Within a week you'll have women buzzing all around you.\" The man seemed content with this advice and walked out of the office a bit excited. Three weeks later he returned with the same downtrodden expression on his face. \"Did my advice not work?\" asked the doctor. \"It worked alright. For the past several weeks I've enjoyed some of the best moments in my life with the most fabulous looking women.\" \"So, what's your problem?\" \"I don't have a problem,\" the man replied. \"My wife does.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Women", + "output": "An elderly man lay dying in his bed. In death's agony, hesuddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite chocolate chip cookieswafting up the stairs. He gathered his remaining strength, andlifted himself from the bed. Leaning against the wall, he slowlymade his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effortforced himself down the stairs, gripping the railing with bothhands. With labored breath, he leaned against the door frame,gazing into the kitchen.Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himselfalready in heaven: there, spread out upon newspapers on thekitchen table were literally hundreds of his favorite chocolatechip cookies. Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of heroiclove from his devoted wife, seeing to it that he left this worlda happy man?Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself toward thetable, landing on his knees in a rumpled posture. His parchedlips parted; the wondrous taste of the cookie was already in hismouth; seemingly bringing him back to life. The aged andwithered hand, shockingly made its way to a cookie at the edge ofthe table, when it was suddenly smacked with a spatula by hiswife.\"Stay out of those,\" she said, \"they're for the funeral.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Women", + "output": "A woman sends her clothing out to the Chinese laundry. When it comes back there are still stains in her panties. The next week she enclosesa note to the Chinaman that says,\"Use more soap on panties.\"This goes on for several weeks, the woman sending the same note to thelaundry.Finally fed up the Chinaman responded with his own note that said,\"Use more paper on ass.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Women", + "output": "One day, this lady is golfing, and she hits her ball in the woods. she goes to look for it, and intead finds a frog in a trap. Hey, it says. Let me go and I'll grant you 3 wishes. Ok, she says. So she frees it, and it says, Sorry, forgot to tell you. whatever you get, your husband gets ten times the amount of whatever it is you wish for. Ok, fine. So, the frog asks, what's your first wish? I want to be the most beautiful women in the world. Fine, it says. Suddenly, she's gorgeous. You are the most beatiful woman. But now your husband is ten times more handsom than you. Thats ok, she say. He only has eyes for me. Whats your second wish? it asks her. I want to be the richest woman in the world. The frog then says, ok, but now your husband is ten times richer. Thats ok she says. Whats his is mine, whats mine is his. OK, the frog says. that is your last wish. what is it gonna be? I want a mild heart attack." + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Women", + "output": "A woman was very distraught at the fact that she had not had a date or any sex in quite sometime. She was afraid she might have something wrong withher, so she decided to employ the medical expertise of a sex therapist. Her doctor recommended that she go see Dr. Chang, the well known Chinese sex therapist. So she went to see him. Upon entering the examination room, Dr. Chang said, \"OK, take off all you crose.\" The woman did as she was told. \"Now, get down and craw reery reery fass to odder side of room.\" Again, the woman did as she was instructed. Dr. Chang then said, \"OK, now craw reery reery fass back to me.\" So she did. Dr.Chang slowly shook his head and said, \"Your probrem vewy bad - you haf Ed Zachary Disease, worse case I ever see, dat why you not haf sex or dates.\" Terrified., the woman asked, \"Oh my God, Dr. Chang, what is Ed Zachary Disease? Dr. Chang looked the woman in the eyes and replied, \"Ed Zachary disease is when your face rook Ed Zachary rike your ass.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Women", + "output": "What's the difference between female at the ages of 8, 18, 28, 38, 48 and 58? 08 - You take her to bed and tell her a story. 18 - You tell her a story and take her to bed. 28 - You don't need to tell her any story and take her to bed. 38 - She tells you a story and takes you to bed. 48 - You tell her a story to avoid going to bed. 58 - You stay in bed all day to avoid her story." + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Women", + "output": "Mr. Smith went to the Doctor's office to collect his wife's test results.The receptionist says, \"I'm sorry, sir, but there has been a bit of a mix-up and we have a problem. When we sent the samples from your wife to the lab, the samples from another Mrs. Smith were sent as well and we are now uncertain which one is your wife's. Frankly, that's either bad or terrible.\" Mr. Smith says, \"What do you mean?\" The receptionist replies, \"Well, one Mrs. Smith has tested positive for Alzheimer disease and the other for AIDS. We cannot tell which is your wife.\" Mr Smith exclaims, \"That's terrible! What am I supposed to do now?\" The receptionist calmly replies, \"The doctor recommends that you drop your wife off in the middle of town and if she finds her way home, don't go to bed with her.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Women", + "output": "Little Leroy went to his mother demanding a new bicycle. His mother decidedthat he should take a look at himself and the way he acts. She said, \"WellLeroy, it isn't Christmas and we don't have the money to just go out and buyyou anything you want. So why don't you write a letter to Jesus and pray forone instead.\" After his temper tantrum his mother sent him to his room. Hefinally sat down to write a letter to Jesus.Dear Jesus,I've been a good boy this year and would appreciate a new bicycle.Your Friend,LeroyNow, Leroy knew that Jesus really knew what kind of boy he was (brat), so heripped up the letter and decided to give it another try.Dear Jesus,I've been an OK boy this year and I want a new bicycle.Your Truly,LeroyWell, Leroy knew this wasn't totally honest, so he tore it up and triedagain.Dear Jesus,I've thought about being a good boy this year and can I have a bicycle?LeroyWell, Leroy looked deep down in his heart, which by the way was what hismother really wanted. He knew he had been terrible and was deserving ofalmost nothing. He crumpled up the letter, threw it in the trash can andwent running outside. He aimlessly wandered about depressed because of theway he treated his parents and really considered his actions. He finallyfound himself in front of a Catholic Church. Leroy went inside and kneltdown, looking around not knowing what he should really do. Leroy finally gotup and began to walk out the door and was looking at all the statues. All ofa sudden he grabbed a small one and ran out the door. He went home, hid itunder his bed and wrote this letter.Jesus,I've got your mama. If you ever want to see her again, give me a bike!Sincerely,You know who" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Women", + "output": "A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every day. One day, when he came to, he motioned her to come nearer. He whispered, eyes full of tears: \"You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When our house burnt down, you were there. When my health started failing, you were by my side. You know what?\"\"What dear?\", she gently asked.\"I think you are bad luck\", he said." + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Political", + "output": "An african ambassador visited Russia and was entertained by his opposite number, the Russian ambassador. For three days, the African ambassador was wined, dined, and generally treated to the best hospitality that Russia had to offer. On the last day of his visit, the Russian ambassador said, \"As your stay is coming to an end, it's time for you to play our traditional game, Russian roulette. One of the six chambers of this gun is loaded - you spin the cylinder, point the gun at your head, and pull the trigger.\" This phased the African slightly, but he was a proud man of a warrior people, and to show fear would be unthinkable. Both men took their guns, spun, and pulled the triggers. Both chambers were empty, and both ambassadors breathed a sigh of relief. The African ambassador was impressed with the couragous game, and thought hard about the subject before the Russian Ambassador was due to visit his country the next year. When the visit came, the African ambassador treated the Russian with all hospitality, until the final day of his stay. Leading him to a private room in the palace, the African ambassador spoke, \"Now, time for you to sample our game, African roulette\". He then led the Russian into the room, the only occupants of which were six stunning and naked women. The African ambassador said, \"These women are the most beautiful members of one of our tribes. Any one of them will give you a oral sex - take your pick\". The Russian was not entirely averse to this idea, but he couldn't see the connection with Russian Roulette. He said, \"Well, ok, great, but where's the roulette part? Where's the danger?\" With a big grin on his face, the African ambassador answered: \"One of them's a cannibal.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Women", + "output": "There is a Space Shuttle mission to the moon with two monkeys and a womanon board. The control centre is the US calls: \"Monkey number 1, Monkey number 1 to the television screen.\" He sits down and he is told to release the pressure in compartment 1, increase the temperature in engine 4 and to release oxygen to the reactors. So the monkey does the pressure, temperature, and releases the oxygen. A few moments later the control centre calls again: \"Monkey number 2, monkey number 2 to the television screen.\" He sits down and he is told to add Carbon Dioxide to room 4, to stop the fuel injection to engine 3, to add nitrogen to the fuel compartment and to analyse the solar radiation. So the monkey does the carbon dioxide, the fuel injection, the nitrogen and the analysis of solar radiation. A little later on, headquarters calls again:\"Woman, please woman approach the screen.\" She sits down and just as she is about to be told what to do she says... \"I know I know!! Feed the monkeys, don't touch anything.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Women", + "output": "A mother had 3 virgin daughters. They were all getting married within a short time period. Because Mom was a bit worried about how their sex life would get started, she made them all promise to send a postcard from the honeymoon with a few words on how marital sex felt. The first girl sent a card from Hawaii two days after the wedding. The card said nothing but \"Maxwell House\". Mom was puzzled at first, but then went to the kitchen and got out the Maxwell House jar. It said, \"good, till the last drop\". Mom blushed, but was pleased for her daughter. The second girl sent the card from Vermont a week after the wedding, and the card read: \"Benson & Hedges\". Mon now knew to go straight to her husband's cigarettes, she read from the B & H pack: \"Extra Long. King Size\". She was again slightly embarrassed, but still happy for her daughter. The third girl left for her honeymoon in the Caribbean. Mom waited for a week nothing. Another week went by and still nothing. Then, after a whole month, a card finally arrived. Written on it shaky words: \"British Airways\". Mom took out her latest Harper Bazaar magazine, flipped through the pages, fearing the worst and finally and finally found the ad for the airline. The ad said: \"Three times a day, seven days a week, both ways\". Mom fainted." + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Women", + "output": "10. God worried that Adam would frequently become lost in the garden because he would not ask for directions. 9. God knew that Adam would one day require someone to locate and hand him the TV remote. 8. God knew that Adam would never go out and get himself a new fig leaf when his seat wore out and would, therefore, need Eve to go get one for him. 7. God knew that Adam would never be able to make a doctor's, dentist, or haircut appointment for himself. 6. God knew that Adam would never be able to remember which night to put the garbage on the curb. 5. God knew that if the world was to be populated, men would never be able to handle the pain and discomfort of childbearing. 4. As \"Keeper of the Garden,\" Adam would never remember where he left his tools. 3. Apparently, Adam needed someone to blame his troubles on when God caught him hiding in the garden. 2. As the Bible says, \"It is not good for man to be alone!\" And finally, the number ONE reason that God created Eve... 1. When God finished the creation of Adam, He stepped back, scratched His head, and said, \"Ok, I can do better than THAT!\"." + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Women", + "output": "One day a man comes home from work to find total mayhem at home! The kids were outside still in their pajamas playing in the mud and muck. There were empty food boxes and wrappers all around. As he proceeded into the house, he found an even bigger mess. Dishes on the counter, dog food spilled on the floor, a broken glass under the table, and a small pile of sand by the back door. The family room was strewn with toys and various items of clothing, and a lamp had been knocked over. He headed up the stairs, stepping over toys, to look for his wife. He was becoming worried that she may be ill, or that something had happened to her. He found her in the bedroom, still in bed with her pajamas on, reading a book. She looked up at him, smiled, and asked how his day went. He looked at her bewildered and asked, \"What happened here today?\" She again smiled and answered, \"You know everyday when you come home from work and ask me what I did today?\" \"Yes,\" was his reply. She answered, \"Well, today I didn't do it!\"." + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Heaven and Hell", + "output": "Einstein dies and goes to heaven only to be informed that his room is not yet ready. \"I hope you will not mind waiting in a dormitory. We are very sorry, but it's the best we can do and you will have to share the room with others\", he is told by the doorman. Einstein says that this is no problem at all and that there is no need to make such a great fuss. So the doorman leads him to the dorm. They enter and Albert is introduced to all of the present inhabitants. \"See, Here is your first room mate. He has an IQ of 180!\" \"Why that's wonderful!\" Says Albert. \"We can discuss mathematics!\" \"And here is your second room mate. His IQ is 150!\" \"Why that's wonderful!\" Says Albert. \"We can discuss physics!\" \"And here is your third room mate. His IQ is 100!\" \"That's Wonderful! We can discuss the latest plays at the theater!\" Just then another man moves out to capture Albert's hand and shake it. \"I'm your last room mate and I'm sorry, but my IQ is only 80.\" Albert smiles back at him and says, \"So, where do you think interest rates are headed?\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Women", + "output": "A 55-year old woman is in a coma in the hospital. She isn't doing well at all. Her family is standing by her, waiting for her to pass away. The woman is now seconds from passing away when she sees a light; and a big tunnel. She floates way up high to the other end of the tunnel where she sees God. \"I can't believe I'm dead\", the woman sadly says. \"What?!\", says God,\"You\"re not dead, you won't die untill your 85.\" The woman then floats back down the tunnel. She awakens from her coma with joy and happiness from the family. She thinks, \"Well, if I don't die for another 15 years, and I'm in the hospital right now, I can probably do some stuff that I have always wanted to do.\" So, the woman gets her hair colored. She lets it grow long; all the way to the ground. She increases her breast sizes. She also had plastic surgery to get all those horrible wrinkles off her face. A few days later, the woman is ready to leave the hospital. She leaves the entrance, and as she is walking down the street, a car runs over her and kills her. The 55-year old woman floats once again up the tunnel to God. When she sees Him, she angrily yells, \"You told me a had another 15 years to live!\" God then replies, \"I didn't recognize you!\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Women", + "output": "A man staggers into an emergency room with two black eyes and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat. Naturally the doctor asks him what happened. \"Well, it was like this\", said the man. \"I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife when she sliced her ball into a pasture of cows.\" \"We went to look for it and while I was rooting around, I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end. I walked over and lifted up the tail and sure enough, there was my wife's golf ball.......... stuck right in the middle of the cow's butt. That's when I made my mistake...\" \"What did you do?\", asks the doctor. \"Well, I lifted the tail and yelled to my wife, Hey, this looks like yours!\"." + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Women", + "output": "A couple were married and, following the wedding, the husband laid down some rules. \"I'll be home when I want, if I want, and at what time I want,\" he insisted. \"And, I don't expect any hassle from you. Also, I expect a decent meal to be on the table every evening, unless I tell you otherwise. I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing, and card-playing with my buddies whenever I want. Those are my rules,\" he said. \"Any comments?\" His new bride replied, \"No, that's fine with me. But, just understand that there'll be sex here at seven o'clock every night... whether you're here or not.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Religious", + "output": "Cowboy Joe was telling his fellow cowboys, back on the ranch, about his first visit to a big-city church. \"When I got there, they had me park my old truck in the corral,\" Joe began. \"You mean the parking lot,\" interrupted Charlie, a more worldly fellow. \"I walked up the trail to the gate,\" Joe continued. \"The sidewalk to the door,\" Charlie corrected him. \"Inside the door, I was met by this dude,\" Joe went on. \"That would be the usher,\" Charlie explained. \"Well, the usher led me down the chute,\" Joe said. \"You mean the aisle,\" Charlie said. \"Then he led me to a stall and told me to sit there,\" Joe continued. \"Pew,\" Charlie retorted. \"Yeah,\" recalled joe. \"That's what that pretty lady said when I sat down beside her.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Women", + "output": "Seventy-three year old Gus had worked in the garment center all his life, never finding the time to get married. But one day a beautiful seventeen-year-old girl walked into the store and it was love at first sight. Within a month Gus and Rachel were married and on the way to Florida for their honeymoon. \"So how was it?\" asked Gus' friends, on the couple's return. \"Oh, just beautiful,\" replied a starry-eyed Gus. \"The sun, the surf... and we made love almost every night, we--\" \"Just a minute,\" interrupted Gus' Friend. \"At your age, forgive me for asking, you made love almost every night?\" \"Oh yes,\" said Gus, \"we almost made love Saturday, we almost made love Sunday . . .\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Women", + "output": "A police officer was making his daily round. Suddenly, a red corvet passed by him at a 100 m/h. He went after the car and stoped it. As he walked towards the car's window, he noticed that the driver was a gorgeous blond. He went to her and asked for her driver's licence and registration papers. The women kinda looked confused, but after emptying her bag, she handed the papers to the officer. He walked backed to his car and checked with another officer about the car's license plate. The other man asked him if the driver was a gorgeous blond. The first officer said yes. The second one then told him to go back to the corvet and pull down his pants. Without arguing, he went back to the girl and pulled down his pants. The girl than replied: \"Ah! Not another breathalyzer test!\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Women", + "output": "A woman was leaving a 7-11 with her morning coffee when she noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery. A long black hearse was followed by a second long black hearse about 50 feet behind. Behind the second hearse was a solitary woman walking a pit bull on a leash. Behind her were 200 women walking single file. The woman couldn't stand the curiosity. She respectfully approached the woman walking the dog and said, \"I am so sorry for your loss, and I know now is a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?\" The woman replied, \"Well, that first hearse is for my husband.\" \"What happened to him?\" The woman replied, \"My dog attacked and killed him.\" She inquired further, \"Well, who is in the second hearse?\" The woman answered, \"My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my husband when the dog turned on her.\" A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passed between the two women. \"Can I borrow the dog?\" \"Get in line!\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Women", + "output": "A 54 year old accountant leaves a letter for his wife one Friday evening that reads: Dear Wife (that's what he called her): I am 54 and by the time you receive this letter I will be at the Grand Hotel with my beautiful and sexy 18 year old secretary. When he arrived at the hotel there was a letter waiting for him that read as follows: Dear Husband (that's what she called him): I too am 54 and by the time you receive this letter I will be at the Breakwater Hotel with my handsome and virile 18 year old toy boy. You being an accountant will therefore appreciate that 18 goes into 54 many more times than 54 goes into 18." + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Religious", + "output": "Colonel Sanders walks up to the Pope one day and says, I'll give you $5,000 if you change the words in the bible 'Give us this day our daily bread' to 'give us this day our daily chicken'\".The Pope replys, \"Sorry, I cannot change the words of the Bible\". Sanders says, \"How about $7,000?\". \"Sorry, I cannot\", The Pope replys. \"$8,000\"?, Sanders tries again. The Pope thinks about it and says, \"Well, alright\". Later he goes to the cardinals and says, \"I have good news and bad news. The good is we're $8,000 richer. The bad is that we lost our endorsement with Wonder Bread.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Military", + "output": "The lookout aboard a clipper ship spots a pirate ship approaching, and yells down to the captain. The captain orders the bosun to bring his red shirt. The captain puts on his red shirt, and successfully leads his crew in fighting off the pirates. The next day, the lookout spots TWO pirate ships approaching. He yells to the captain, who again orders the bosun to bring his red shirt. The captain again wears the red shirt as they successfully repel the pirates. After the battle the bosun asks, \"Captain, why do you always wear the red shirt in battle?\" The captain replies, \"Because, if I am wounded, the crew will not see the blood and lose their courage.\" The next day the lookout spots SIX pirate ships approaching and yells to the captain. Anticipating the order, the bosun immediately brings the red shirt. \"To heck with that!\" says the captain. \"Bring me my brown pants!\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Family, Parents", + "output": "Once upon a time, three vampires met in some place in night. Apparently, each one of them was boasting about their vampiric abilities to one another.Vampire A said, \"Look at that mansion over there! I can finish all of its inhabitants within 10 minutes!\" And so he flew to the mansion, and 9 minutes later, he came back with his mouth filled with blood, looking satisfied with himself.Vampire B then said, \"Bah! Look at that village over there! Give me 5 minutes!\"He flew to the village, returned at the next 5 minutes, with his mouth filled with dripping red blood.Vampire C then yelled, \"Pffft! Look at the TOWN over there! Give me 3 minutes!\"He flew to the direction of the town, and one minute later, he returned with his mouth filled with blood.Vampire A and B stared at him with amazement, then immediately asked, \"How come you have such speed, friend?\"Vampire C pointed at a direction, then asked them, \"Do you see a building over there?\"\"Yes!\" answered A and B.\"Well I DON'T!!!\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Medical", + "output": "A man goes to his doctor for a complete checkup. He hasn't been feeling well and wants to find out if he's ill. After the checkup the doctor comes out with the results of the examination. \"I'm afraid I have some bad news. You're dying and you don't have much time,\" the doctor says. \"Oh no, that's terrible. How long have I got?\", the man asks.\"10...\" says the doctor. \"10? 10 what? Months? Weeks? What?!\" he asks desperately.\"10...9...8...7...\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Miscellaneous", + "output": "In Jerusalem, a female CNN journalist heard about a very old Jewish man who had been going to the Wailing Wall to pray, twice a day, everyday, for a long, long time. So she went to check it out. She went to the Wailing Wall and there he was! She watched him pray and after about 45 minutes, when he turned to leave, she approached him for an interview. \"I'm Rebecca Smith from CNN. Sir, how long have you been coming to the Wall and praying?\" \"For about 60 years.\" \"60 years! That's amazing! What do you pray for?\" \"I pray for peace between the Christians, Jews and the Muslims. I pray for all the hatred to stop and I pray for all our children to grow up in safety and friendship.\" \"How do you feel after doing this for 60 years?\" \"Like I'm talking to a goddamn wall.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Sex", + "output": "There were three couples that went to a church and asked to join. There was a newely wed couple, a middle-aged couple, and a older couple. The pastor told them that they had to go without sex for two weeks. Two weeks later they came back to that same church. The pastor asked the newely wed couple how it went. They replied \"It was hard the first week, but then we made it through.\" He asked the older couple, and they replied \"we did not have sex at all for the two weeks.\" He asked the middle-aged couple and the man said \"She dropped a paint can!\". The pastor said \"She dropped a paint can?. The man replied, \"She bent over with a paint can in her hand and I just had to get her right then and there!\".The pastor said, \"I'm sorry you cannot step foot into this church again!\" The man said, \"That's okay, we can't go into Home Depot either!!\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Aviation", + "output": "Two hunters were off on their annual trip to the Canadian wilderness to bag a moose. As the seaplane landed on a lake in a remote area, the pilot said, \"I'll be back in one week to pick you up. But only one moose, please.\" When he returned to the lake, he found the hunters proudly standing beside two moose. \"I told you guys only one moose!\" the furious flier screamed. \"There's no way the plane can take off with that much weight!\" \"You're just a chicken pilot,\" one hunter said. \"We killed two moose last year and that pilot wasn't afraid to take off.\" Stung by the suggestion of cowardice, he reconsidered. \"All right, if you did it last year, I guess we can try it.\" They loaded up and the pilot taxied to the far end of the lake to begin his take-off. The plane bounced across the water as it strained to get airborne, but the overloaded aircraft finally ran out of space and crashed into the trees. Some time later, the hunters regained consciousness. \"Where are we?\" one asked. His friend looked around at the scattered debris, then back at the edge of the lake and replied, \"Oh, I guess about a hundred yards farther than last year.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "School", + "output": "A woman went to a pet shop and immediately spotted a large beautiful parrot. There was a sign on the cage that said £50.00. \"Why so little,\" she asked the pet store owner.The owner looked at her and said, \"Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a house of prostitution, and sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff.\"The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the bird anyway. She took it home and hung the bird's cage up in her living room and waited for it to say something.The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said, \"New house, new madam.\"The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought \"that's not so bad.\"When her two teenage daughters returned from school the bird saw them and said, \"New house, new madam, new girls.\" The girls and the woman were a bit offended but then began to laugh about the situation. Moments later, the woman's husband Alex, came home from work.The bird looked at him and said, \"Hi Alex\"." + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Business", + "output": "A customer at Green's Gourmet Grocery marveled at the proprietor's quick wit and intelligence. \"Tell me, Green, what makes you so smart?\" \"I wouldn't share my secret with just anyone,\" Green replies, lowering his voice so the other shoppers won't hear. \"But since you're a good and faithful customer, I'll let you in on it. Fish heads. You eat enough of them, you'll be positively brilliant.\" \"You sell them here?\" the customer asks. \"Only $4 apiece,\" says Green. The customer buys three. A week later, he's back in the store complaining that the fish heads were disgusting and he isn't any smarter. \"You didn't eat enough, \" says Green. The customer goes home with 20 more fish heads. Two weeks later, he's back and this time he's really angry. \"Hey, Green,\" he says, \"You're selling me fish heads for $4 apiece when I can buy the whole fish for $2. You're ripping me off!\" \"You see?\" says Green. \"You're getting smarter already!\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Miscellaneous", + "output": "An American tourist visited a small town in Spain. The residents had never seen an American before, so he was treated as an honoured guest at the hotel. Dinning for the first night, he asked the waiter what he recommended for dinner. He suggested the \"cojones\". The tourist asked what they were and the waiter replied, \"Those are the testicles of the bull killed in the ring today.\" He was shocked but agreed to try them after being assured it was a delicacy reserved only for special guests. The tourist found them to be very tasty. The next night he again ordered them for dinner. The waiter complied but somewhat reluctantly. The tourist again found them to be very tasty but asked the waiter why they were so much smaller than before. The waiter said, \"You see, Senor, sometimes it is the bull that wins!\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Office Jokes", + "output": "\"Boss, I've got to have a raise,\" the salesman said to his sales manager. \"There are three other companies after me.\"\"Is that a fact?\" the manager asked. \"What other companies are after you?\"\"The electric company, the phone company, and the gas company.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Military", + "output": "Before going to Europe on business, a man drove his Rolls-Royce to a downtown New York City bank and went in to ask for an immediate loan of $5,000. The loan officer, taken aback, requested collateral and so the man said, \"Well then, here are the keys to my Rolls-Royce.\" The loan officer promptly had the car driven into the bank's underground parking for safe keeping, and gave him $5,000. Two weeks later, the man walked through the bank's doors, and asked to settle up his loan and get his car back. \"That will be $5,000 in principal, and $15.40 in interest\", the loan officer said. The man wrote out a check and started to walk away. \"Wait sir\", the loan officer said, \"while you were gone, I found out you are a millionaire. Why in the world would you need to borrow $5,000?\" The man smiled. \"Where else could I park my Rolls-Royce in Manhattan for two weeks and pay only $15.40?" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Military", + "output": "A man was driving down the road with twenty penguins in the back seat. The police stop him and say that he can't drive around with the penguins in the car and should take them to the zoo. The man agrees and drives off. The next day the same man is driving down the road with twenty penguins in the back and again. He is stopped by the same police officer who says, \"Hey! I though I told you to take those to the zoo.\" The man replies \"I did. Today I'm taking them to the movies.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Farmers", + "output": "It seems a young farm boy accidentally overturned his wagon load of corn. The farmer who lived nearby heard the noise. \"Hey Willis!!\" the farmer yelled. \"Forget your troubles. Come in and eat dinner with us. Then I'll help you get the wagon back up.\" \"That's mighty nice of you,\" Willis answered, \"but I don't think Pa would like me to.\" \"Nonsense, come on!\" the farmer insisted. \"Well, okay,\" the boy finally agreed, \"but Pa won't like it.\" After a hearty dinner, Willis thanked his host. \"I feel a lot better now, but I know Pa is going to be real upset.\" \"Don't be foolish!\" the neighbor said with a smile. \"By the way, where is your Pa?\" \"Under the wagon.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Money", + "output": "There were two evil brothers. They were rich, and used their money to keep their ways from the public eye. They even attended the same church, and looked to be perfect Christians. Then, their pastor retired, and a new one was hired. Not only could he see right through the brothers' deception, but he also spoke well and true, and the church started to swell in numbers. A fund-raising campaign was started to build a new assembly. All of a sudden, one of the brothers died. The remaining brother sought out the new pastor the day before the funeral and handed him a check for the amount needed to finish paying for the new building. \"I have only one condition,\" he said. \"At his funeral, you must say my brother was a saint.\" The pastor gave his word, and deposited the check. The next day, at the funeral, the pastor did not hold back. \"He was an evil man,\" he said. \"He cheated on his wife and abused his family.\" After going on in this vein for a small time, he concluded with, \"But, compared to his brother, he was a saint.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Love & Romance", + "output": "One Sunday morning George burst into the living room and said, \"Dad! Mom! I have some great news for you! I am getting married to the most beautiful girl in town. She lives a block away and her name is Susan. After dinner, George's dad took him aside, \"Son, I have to talk with you. Look at your mother, George. She and I have been married 30 years, she's a wonderful wife and mother, but, she has never offered much excitement in the bedroom, so I used to fool around with women a lot.\" \"Susan is actually your half sister, and I'm afraid you can't marry her.\" George was brokenhearted. After eight months he eventually started dating girls again. A year later he came home and very proudly announced, \"Diane said yes! We're getting married in June.\" Again his father insisted on another private conversation and broke the sad news. \"Diane is your half sister too, George.\" \"I'm awfully sorry about this.\" George was livid! He finally decided to go to his mother with the news his father had shared. \"Dad has done so much harm. I guess I'm never going to get married,\" he complained. \"Every time I fall in love, Dad tells me the girl is my half sister.\" \"Hee hee,\" his mother chuckled, shaking her head, \"Don't pay any attention to what he says. He's not really your father.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Blind Jokes", + "output": "A blind man walks into a restaurant and sits down. The waiter, who is also the owner, walks up to the blind man and hands him a menu. \"I'm sorry, sir, but I am blind and can't read the menu. Just bring me a dirty fork from a previous customer. I'll smell it and order from there.\" A little confused, the owner walks over to the dirty dish pile and picks up a greasy fork. He returns to the blind man's table and hands it to him. The blind man puts the fork to his nose and takes in a deep breath. \"Ah, yes, that's what I'll have -- meatloaf and mashed potatoes.\" Unbelievable, the owner thinks as he walks towards the kitchen. The cook happens to be the owner's wife. He tells her what had just happened. The blind man eats his meal and leaves. Several days later, the blind man returns and the owner mistakenly brings him a menu again. \"Sir, remember me? I'm the blind man.\" \"I'm sorry, I didn't recognize you. I'll go get you a dirty fork.\" The owner retrieves a dirty fork and brings it to the blind man. After another deep breath, the blind man says, \"That smells great. I'll take the macaroni and cheese with broccoli.\" Walking away in disbelief, the owner thinks the blind man is screwing around with him and tells his wife that the next time the blind man comes in he's going to test him. The blind man eats and leaves. He returns the following week, but this time the owner sees him coming and runs to the kitchen. He tells his wife, \"Mary, rub this fork on your panties before I take it to the blind man.\" Mary complies and hands her husband the fork. As the blind man walks in and sits down, the owner is ready and waiting. \"Good afternoon, sir, this time I remembered you and I already have the fork ready for you.\" The blind man puts the fork to his nose, takes a deep whiff, and says, \"Hey I didn't know that Mary worked here...\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Love & Romance", + "output": "After looking for love in all the wrong places, a man returns from the Middle East and is feeling very ill. He goes to see his doctor, and is immediately rushed to the Hospital to undergo tests. The man wakes up after the tests in a private room at the hospital. No one is around but the phone by hisbed. and it rings. \"This is your doctor. We've had the results back from your tests and we've found you have an extremely contagious and nasty STD called 'G.A.S.H.' It's a combination of Gonorrhea, AIDS, Syphilis, and Herpes!\"\"Oh, my gosh,\" cried the man, \"What are you going to do, doctor?\" \"Well, we're going to put you on a diet of pizzas, pancakes, and pita bread.\" \"Will that cure me???\" asked the man.The doctor replied, \"Well no, but....they're the only foods we can get under the door.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Love & Romance", + "output": "Actual writings on hospital charts: 1. she has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husbandstates she was very hot in bed last night. 2. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side forover a year. 3. On the second day the knee was better, and on the thirdday it disappeared. 4. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She alsoappears to be depressed. 5. The patient has been depressed since she began seeing mein 1993. 6. Discharge status: Alive but without my permission. 7. Healthy appearing decrepit 69 years old male, mentallyalert but forgetful. 8. The patient refused autopsy. 9. The patient has no previous history of suicides. 10. Patient has left white blood cells at anotherhospital. 11. Patient's medical history has been remarkablyinsignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the pastthree days. 12. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia forlunch. 13. She is numb from her toes down. 14. While in ER, she was examined, x-rated and sent home. 15. The skin was moist and dry. 16. Occasional, constant infrequent headaches. 17. Patient was alert and unresponsive. 18. Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid. 19. She stated that she had been constipated for most ofher life, until she got a divorce. 20. I saw your patient today, who is still under our carfor physical therapy. 21. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light andaccommodation. 22. Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circussized. 23. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function. 24. The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, hetook a job as a stock broker instead. 25. Skin: somewhat pale but present. 26. The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor. 27. Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Blank, who feltwe should sit on the abdomen and I agree. 28. Large brown stool ambulating in the hall. 29. Patient has two teenage children, but no otherabnormalities." + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Heaven and Hell", + "output": "A construction worker on the 3rd floor of a building needs a handsaw so he sees another man on the 1st floor. He yells down to him, but he can't hear, so he does sign language. He points at his eye meaning \"I\", points at his knee meaning \"need\", and moves his hand back and forth in a handsaw motion.The man on the 1st floor nods his head, pulls down his pants, and starts masturbating.The man on the 3rd floor gets so angry he runs down to the 1st floor and says, \"What the hell is wrong with you dumbass? I said I need handsaw!!\"The other guy says, \"I knew that, I was just trying to tell you I'm coming.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Miscellaneous", + "output": "Four U.S. Presidents are caught in a tornado, and off they spin to OZ. After threatening trials and tribulations, they finally make it to the Emerald City and come before the Great Wizard.\"What brings you before the great and powerful Wizard of Oz? What do you want?\"Jimmy Carter steps forward timidly, \"I had a terrible time with Iran, so I've come for some courage.\"\"No problem!\" says the Wizard, \"Who is next?\"Up steps George Bush Senior sadly, \"I'm told by the American people that I need a heart.\"\"I've heard its true.\" says the Wizard. \"Consider it done. Who comes next before the great and powerful Oz?\"George W. bush steps forward, \"Well, I think I need a brain\".\"Done\" says the Wizard.Then there is a great silence in the hall. Bill Clinton is just standing there, looking around, but doesn't say a word. Irritated, the Wizard finally asks, \"What brings you to the emerald city?\"\"Is Dorothy around?\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Sports", + "output": "A man went to visit his 90 year old grandfather in a very secluded rural area of the state he lived in.After spending the night, his grandfather prepared breakfast for him consisting of eggs and bacon. He noticed a film like substance on his plate and he questioned his grandfather, \"are these plates clean?\"His grandfather replied, \"Those plates are as clean as cold water can get them, so go on and finish your meal\".That afternoon, while eating the hamburgers his grandfather made for lunch, he noticed tiny specks around the edge of his plate and a substance that looked like dried egg yokes, so he ask again, \"Are you sure these plates are clean\"?Without looking up from his hamburger, the grandfather says, \"I told you before; those dishes are as clean as cold water can get them. Now don't ask me about it anymore!\"Later that afternoon, he was on his way out to get dinner in a nearby town. As he was leaving, his grandfather's dog started to growl and wouldn't let him pass so he said, \"Grandfather, your dog won't let me out\".Without diverting his attention from the football game he was watching on TV his grandfather shouted, \"Cold Water, Go lay down!\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Bar Jokes", + "output": "A pirate walks into a bar. He has a peg leg, hook for a hand, and a patch over his eye.The bartender asks \"So, what happened to your leg?\"The pirate says \"Aaar, I was fighting the British Navy and they blew up me ship, I fell over board, and a shark bit me leg off.\"\"Oh,\" said the bartender,\"what happened to your hand?\"The pirate replies, \"Aaar, I was fighting the British Navy again, and won came up and chopped me hand of with his sword.\"The bartender then asked,\"Well what happened to your eye?\"The pirate answered, \"Aaar, I was walking down the beach and I looked up and there were some seagulls and one doodooed in me eye.\"\"And that caused your eye to be put out?,\" asked the bartender.To this the pirate said,\"No, first day with me hook!\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Love & Romance", + "output": "One evening a family brings their frail, elderly mother to a nursing home and leave her, hoping she will be well cared for. The next morning, the nurses bathe her, feed her a tasty breakfast, and set her in a chair at a window overlooking a lovely flower garden. She seems OK, but after a while she slowly starts to fall over sideways in her chair.Two attentive nurses immediately rush up to catch her and straighten her up. Again she seems OK, but after a while she starts to tilt to the other side. The nurses rush back and once more bring her back upright. This goes on all morning.Later the family arrives to see how the old woman is adjusting to her new home. They ask, \"So, Ma, how is it here? Are they treating you all right?\"\"It's pretty nice,\" she replies. \"Except they won't let you fart.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Money", + "output": "A priest goes to a hairdressing salon, has a haircut, thanks the hairdresser and asks him how much he owes. The hairdresser replies, \"Father, you're a holy man, a man of the cloth, I just couldn't charge you anything, it's on the house.\" The priest is most grateful and says, \"Thank you, my son\" and leaves. When the hairdresser goes to open his shop next morning, almost by magic, he finds 2 gold coins on his doorstep. Some days later, a Buddhist monk goes to the same hairdressing salon for shave and a wax. When he goes to pay, the hairdresser says, \"You don't have to give me any money, you're a spiritual leader, a man of the people, I just couldn't charge you anything, it's on the house.\" The monk bows, shakes his hand and thanks him. When the hairdresser goes to open his shop next morning, almost by magic, he finds 12 diamonds on his doorstep. The following week a Rabbi goes into the hairdressing salon to have a haircut and a beard trim. When he goes to pay, the hairdresser says, \"No, Rabbi, I couldn't ask you to pay anything, it's on the house, you are a learned and wise man, go in peace.\" The Rabbi blesses him and leaves. When the hairdresser goes to open his shop next morning, almost by magic, he finds 12 Rabbis on his doorstep." + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Crazy Jokes", + "output": "The aspiring psychiatrists were attending their first class on emotional extremes. \"Just to establish some parameters,\" said the professor to the student from Arkansas, \"What is the opposite of joy?\" \"Sadness,\" said the student. And the opposite of depression?\" he asked of the young lady from Oklahoma. \"Elation,\" said she. \"And you sir,\" he said to the young man from Texas, \"how about the opposite of woe?\" The Texan replied, \"Sir, I believe that would be giddy-up.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Money", + "output": "Eighty-year-old Bessie bursts into the recreation room of the men's retirement home. She holds her clenched fist in the air and saucily announces, \"Anyone who can guess what's in my hand can have sex with me tonight!\" A witty, elderly gentleman in the rear shouts out, \"An elephant?\" Bessie thinks a minute and replies, \"Close enough!\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Miscellaneous", + "output": "A team of sociologists have planned an experiment in isolation. They send an American, a Frenchman and a Japanese man to a deserted island, and arrange to come back and pick them up in a years time to see how they have adapted. The sociologists leave, and the three men decide to split up the tasks amongst themselves. \"I'm an engineer\" says American, \"So I'll handle building a shelter\". He turns to the Frenchman and says: \"You French are pretty good cooks, why don't you handle the cooking?\" The Frenchman agrees, and the American turns to the Japanese man \"That leaves you to organize the supplies\" he says. The Japanese man agrees and each man sets about his tasks. A year passes, and the sociologists return to see how the men have done. They expect to find three desperate men, unhappy with having to live on the island, but instead find a huge wooden house with verandas and porches and balconies. The American comes to greet them, and when they express their surprise about the house he just shrugs and says \"Yeah well I had a lot of raw materials so I kind of went to town and did the place up\" The teams are amazed and are shown inside to the kitchen where they're greeted with the most amazing smell of delicious food. The Frenchman sees their surprise and just shrugs \"I had lots to work with\" he says, \"This island has loads of edible herbs and plants.\" The team sits down to eat and are about to start when one of them inquires about the Japanese man. \"Oh we don't know what happened to him\" explains the American, he ran off into the woods to sort out the supplies and hasn't been seen since.\" They all agree that they should find the man, and a search party is organised. They make it about 100 yards into the woods, when the Japanese man jumps out from behind a tree, stark naked with peacock feathers sticking out of his ears and shouts: \"SUPPLIES!!\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Sex", + "output": "A father came in the bedroom to find his 13-year-old daughter smoking a cigarette. \"My God! How long have you been smoking?\" screams the father. \"Since I lost my virginity,\" replies the girl. \"You lost your VIRGINITY!!! When the hell did this happen?\" shrieks the father. \"I don't remember,\" says the girl. \"I was completely drunk.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Crazy Jokes", + "output": "It was Christmas and the judge was in a merry mood as he asked the defendant, \"What are you charged with?\" \"Doing my Christmas shopping early sir\", replied the defendant. \"Well that's not an crime\", said the judge! \"How early were you doing this shopping?\" \"Before the store opened\", answered the prisoner." + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Bar Jokes", + "output": "A Texan walks into a pub in Ireland and clears his voice to the crowd of drinkers. He says, \"I hear you Irish are damn good drinkers. I'll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back.\" The room is quiet and no one takes up the Texan's offer. One man even leaves. Thirty minutes later the same gentleman who left shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder. \"Is your bet still good?\", asks the Irishman. The Texan says yes and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of Guinness. Immediately the Irishman tears into all 10 of the pint glasses drinking them all back-to-back. The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits in amazement. The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and says, \"If ya don't mind me askin' where did you go for the past 30 minutes?\". The Irishman replies, \"Oh...I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first\"." + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Military", + "output": "A general noticed one of his soldiers behaving oddly. The soldier would pick up any piece of paper he found, frown and say: That's not it  and put it down again. This went on for some time, until the general arranged to have the soldier psychologically tested. The psychologist concluded that the soldier was deranged, and wrote out his discharge from the army. The soldier picked it up, smiled and said: That's it. " + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Medical", + "output": "This woman rushed to see her doctor, looking very much worried and all strung out. She rattles off: Doctor, take a look at me. When I woke up this morning, I looked at myself in the mirror and saw my hair all wiry and frazzled up, my skin was all wrinkled and pasty, my eyes were bloodshot and bugging out, and I had this corpse-like look on my face! What's WRONG with me, Doctor!?  The doctor looks her over for a couple of minutes, then calmly says: Well, I can tell you that there ain't nothing wrong with your eyesight.... " + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Sports", + "output": "A man is walking down the street when he sees a sign in the window of a travel agency that says CRUISES - $100. He goes into the agency and hands the guy $100. The travel agent then whacks him over the head with a baseball bat and throws him in the river.Another man is walking down the street a half hour later, sees the sign and pays the guy $100. The travel agent then whacks him with the baseball bat and throws him in the river.Sometime later, the two men are floating down the river together and the first man asks, \"Do you think they'll serve any food on this cruise?\"The second man says, \"I don't think so. They didn't do it last year.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "School", + "output": "A tourists guide was talking with a group of school kids at Yellowstone park when one of the kids asked him if he had ever came face-to-face with a wolf.\"Yes, I came face to face with a wolf once. And as luck would have it, I was alone and without a weapon.\"\"What did you do?\" the little girl asked.\"What could I do? First, I tried looking him straight in the eyes but he slowly came toward me. I moved back, but he kept coming nearer and nearer. I had to think fast.\"\"How did you get away?\"\"As a last resort, I just turned around and walked quickly to the next cage.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Military", + "output": "A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom. \"Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and therefore we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now, please sit back and relax... Oh my god!\" The passengers sat in silence, waiting for terrible news. Then, the captain came back on the intercom and said \"Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier, but while I was talking, the flight- attendant brought me a cup of coffee and spilled the hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!\" A passenger in Coach said, \"That's nothing. You should see the back of mine!\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Miscellaneous", + "output": "An old man was eating in a truck stop when three bikers walked in. The first walked up to the old man, pushed his cigarette into the old man's pie and then took a seat at the counter. The second walked up to the old man, spit into the old man's milk and then he took a seat at the counter. The third walked up to the old man, turned over the old man's plate, and then he took a seat at the counter. Without a word of protest, the old man quietly left the diner. Shortly thereafter, one of the bikers said to the waitress, \"Humph, not much of a man, was he?\" The waitress replied, \"Not much of a truck driver either. He just backed his truck over three motorcycles.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Love & Romance", + "output": "The day care bus driver drives with a bus full of Sun City seniors down a highway, when a little old lady taps him on his shoulder. She offers him a handful of almonds, which he gratefully munches up. 15 minutes later she taps him on his shoulder again and hands him another handful of almonds. She repeats this gesture about 8 times. After the 9th time he asks the lady why they do not eat the almonds themselves. She replied that it is not possible because of their old teeth. They can not chew them. \"Why do you buy them then?\" he asks, puzzled. Where upon the lady answers, \"We just love to lick the chocolate around them\"." + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Military", + "output": "The soldiers are tired and lonely after spending weeks in enemy territory. To entertain them, the Major called for this sexy dancer from the nearby town. She came, danced and when the first dance was done, the soldiers went mad. They clapped for 5 minutes. For her second number, she stripped and danced in sheer bra and G string. This time the applause went for 10 minutes. The next number she danced topless, and this time the applause went on and on. The Major had to come on stage and ask them to quiet down for the grand finale. For her last number, she was to strip completely and dance naked. The Major expected the soldiers to make enough noise to bring the roof down. But ten minutes later, there is no clapping and the dancer comes backstage. The Major asks her, \"What happened? How come there was no clapping this time?\" She replied with a wicked smile, \"Major, how do you expect those poor boys to clap with one hand?\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Marriage", + "output": "The day after a man lost his wife in a scuba diving accident, he was greeted by two grim-faced policemen at his door. \"We're sorry to call on you at this hour, Mr. Wilkens, but we have some information about your wife.\" \"Well, tell me!\" the man said. The policeman said, \"We have some bad news, some good news and some really great news. Which do you want to hear first?\" Fearing the worse, Mr. Wilkens said, \"Give me the bad news first.\" So the policeman said, \"I'm sorry to tell you sir, but this morning we found your wife's body in San Francisco Bay.\" \"Oh my god!,\" said Mr. Wilkens, overcome by emotion. Then, remembering what the policeman had said, he asked, \"What's the good news?\" \"Well,\" said the policeman, \"When we pulled her up she had two five-pound lobsters and a dozen good size Dungeoness crabs on her.\" \"If that's the good news than what's the great news?!\", Mr. Wilkens demanded. The policeman said, \"We're going to pull her up again tomorrow morning.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Medical", + "output": "While attending a convention, three psychiatrists take a walk. \"People are always coming to us with their guilt and fears,\" one says, \"but we have no one to go to with our own problems.\" \"Since we're all professionals,\" another suggests, \"why don't we hear each other out right now?\" They agreed this is a good idea. The first psychiatrist confesses, \"I'm a compulsive shopper and deeply in debt, so I usually overbill my patients as often as I can.\" The second admits, \"I have a drug problem that's out of control, and I frequently pressure my patients into buying illegal drugs for me.\" The third psychiatrist says, \"I know it's wrong, but no matter how hard I try, I just can't keep a secret.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Marriage", + "output": "As a old man was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang.Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him,\"Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on Route 280. Please be careful!\"\"It's not just one car,\" said Herman, \"It's hundreds of them!\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Love & Romance", + "output": "An elderly man lay dying in his bed. In death's agony, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite sugar cookies wafting up the stairs.He gathered enough strength to get out bed. Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom.With even greater effort, he forced his boney fingers to grab the handrail and he went down the stairs, one stumbling step at a time.With labored breath, he leaned against the door frame, gazing into the kitchen. Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven.There, on the kitchen table, spread out in rows upon wax paper, were literally hundreds of his favorite sugar cookies.Was it heaven? Or, was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted wife of 60 years, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?Mustering one great final effort, he lunged toward the table, landing on his knees in a rumpled posture.His parched lips were slightly parted. The wondrous taste of the cookie was already in his mouth; seemingly bringing him back to life.The aged and withered hand, driven by one last gritty effort, shakingly made its way towards a cookie at the edge of the table, when it was suddenly smacked with a spatula by his wife.\"Stay out of those,\" she said, \"They're for the funeral!\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Old Age", + "output": "An old Jewish man went to a diner every day for lunch. He always ordered the soup du jour. One day the manager asked him how he liked his meal. The old man replied (with Yiddish accent), \"Vas goot, but you could give a little more bread.\" So the next day the manager told the waitress to give him four slices of bread. \"How was your meal, sir?\" the manager asked. \"Vas goot, but you could give a little more bread,\" came the reply. So the next day the manager told the waitress to give him eight slices of bread. \"How was your meal today, sir?\" the manager asked. \"Vas goot, but you could give maybe a little more bread,\" came the reply. So...the next day the manager told the waitress to give him a whole loaf of bread with his soup. \"How was your meal, sir?\" the manager asked, when he came to hand him the bill. \"Vas goot, but you could give maybe a little more bread,\" came the reply once again. The manager was obsessed with seeing this customer say that he is satisfied with his meal, so he went to the bakery, and ordered a six-foot-long loaf of bread. When the man came in as usual the next day, the waitress and the manager cut the loaf in half, buttered the entire length of each half, and laid it out along the counter, right next to his bowl of soup. The old man sat down, and devoured his bowl of soup, and both halves of the six-foot-long loaf of bread. The manager now thinks he will get the answer he is looking for, and when the old man came up to pay for his meal, the manager asked in the usual way, \"How was your meal TODAY, sir?\" The old Jew replied, \"It vas goot as usual, but vy you are back to giving only two slices bread!\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Miscellaneous", + "output": "One afternoon a carpet layer had just finished installing carpet for a lady. He stepped out for a smoke, only to realize that he had lost his cigarettes. In the middle of the room, under the carpet, was a bump. \"No sense pulling up the entire floor for one pack of smokes,\" the carpet layer said to himself. So, he got out his hammer and flattened the hump. As he was cleaning up, the lady came in. \"Here,\" she said, handing him his pack of cigarettes. \"I found them in the hallway.\" \"Now,\" she said, \"if only I could find my parakeet.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Miscellaneous", + "output": "Three men are having conversation about each other's daughters. An Englishman, Scottish and an Irishman.The Englishman said: \"I found a packet of cigarrettes in my daughter's bedroom. I didnt even know she smokes.\"But the Scottish said: \"Well, that's nothing. I found a bottle of whiskey in my daughter's bedroom. I didnt even know she drinks.\"Then finally the Irishman said: \"huh! Consider yourselves lucky. The other day I found a packet of condoms in my daughter's bedroom. I didnt even known she has a dick!\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Aviation", + "output": "A German, an Australian, and a Mexican are on a plane. They say that they can tell where they are by sticking their hands out of the pane. The German sticks his hand out and says \"We are in Germany\". The others ask, \"How do you know\", the German says, \"Cuz' it's so cold\". Then the Australian sticks his hand out and says \"We are in Australia\", the others ask \"How do you know\", he replies \"Cuz' it's so warm\". Then the Mexican sticks his hand out and back in. He says \" We are in Mexico\", the others ask \"How do you know\", he says \" Cuz' my watch in gone\"." + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Heaven and Hell", + "output": "A woman had two female parrots who were always yelling, \"We're prostitutes, wanna have a little fun?\" One day, she was talking to her Preacher about this. He said he had two male parrots and all they did was read the Bible. He thought perhaps they would be a good influence on the two females. So they put the four parrots together. So, the females yelled at the male parrots, \"We're prostitutes, wanna have a little fun?\" One male parrot said to the other, \"Put the Bibles away! We've made it to heaven!\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Animals", + "output": "A pair of birds were sitting on a branch of a tree when they see a turtle run past them, jump off the branch and flap his arms as hard as he can. He falls to the ground. The poor turtle repeats this process numerous times, and then one bird says to the other \"dear, do you think we should tell him he's adopted?\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Military", + "output": "A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street. \"But officer.\" the man began, \"I can explain,\". \"Just be quiet,\" snapped the officer. \"I'm going to let you cool your heels in jail until the chief gets back...\" \"But officer, I just wanted to say....\" \"And I said to keep quiet! You're going to jail!\" A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said, \"Lucky for you that the chief is at his daughter's wedding. He'll be in a good mood when he gets back.\" \"Don't count on it,\" answered the fellow in the cell. \"I'm the groom.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Miscellaneous", + "output": "Three turtles, Joe, Steve, and Poncho, decide to go on a picnic. Joe packs the picnic basket with cookies, bottled sodas, and sandwiches. The trouble is, the picnic site is 10 miles away, so the turtles take 10 whole days to get there. By the time they do arrive, everyone's whipped and hungry. Joe takes the stuff out of the basket, one by one. He takes out the sodas and realizes that they forgot to bring a bottle opener. Joe & Steve beg Poncho to turn back home and retrieve it, but Poncho flatly refuses, knowing that they'll eat everything by the time he gets back. Somehow, after about two hours, the turtles manage to convince Poncho to go, swearing on their great-grand turtles' graves that they won't touch the food. So, Poncho sets off down the road, slow and steady. Twenty days pass, but no Poncho. Joe and Steve are hungry and puzzled, but a promise is a promise. Another day passes, and still no Poncho, but a promise is a promise. After three more days pass without Poncho in sight, Steve starts getting restless. \"I NEED FOOD!\" he says with a hint of dementia in his voice. \"NO!\" Joe retorts. \"We promised.\" Five more days pass. Joe realizes that Poncho probably skipped out to the Burger King down the road, so the two turtles weakly lift the lid, get a sandwich, and open their mouths to eat. But then, right at that instant, Poncho pops out behind a rock. \"Just for that, I'm not going.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Idiots", + "output": "A preacher is buying a parrot.\"Are you sure it doesn't scream, yell, or swear?\" asked the preacher.\"Oh absolutely. It's a religious parrot,\" the storekeeper assures him.\"Do you see those strings on his legs? When you pull the right one, he recites the lord's prayer, and when you pull on the left he recites the 23rd Psalm.\"\"Wonderful!\" says the preacher, \"but what happens if you pull both strings?\"\"I fall off my perch, you stupid fool!\" screeched the parrot." + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Bar Jokes", + "output": "A man left work one Friday afternoon. Being payday, instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend hunting with the boys and spent his entire paycheck. When he finally appeared at home, Sunday night, he was confronted by a very angry wife and was barraged for nearly two hours with a tirade befitting his actions. Finally, his wife stopped the nagging and simply said to him, \"How would you like it if you didn't see me for two or three days?\" To which he replied, \"That would be fine with me.\" Monday went by and he didn't see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results. Thursday, the swelling went down just enough where he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye." + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Sports", + "output": "\"How was your golf game, dear?\" asked Jack's wife Tracy.\"Well, I was hitting pretty well, but my eyesight's gotten so bad Icouldn't see where the ball went.\"\"But you're seventy-five years old, Jack!\" admonished his wife,\"Why don't you take my brother Scott along?\"\"But he's eighty-five and doesn't even play golf anymore,\"protested Jack.\"But he's got perfect eyesight. He could watch your ball,\"Tracy pointed out.The next day Jack teed off with Scott looking on. Jack swung,and the ball disappeared down the middle of the fairway.\"Do you see it?\" asked Jack.\"Yup,\" Scott answered.\"Well, where is it?\" yelled Jack, peering off into the distance.\"I forgot.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "School", + "output": "Two engineering students meet on campus one day. The first engineer calls out to the other, \"Hey Nice bike! Where did you get it?\" \"Well,\" replies the other, \"I was walking to class the other day when this pretty, young coed rides up on this bike. She jumps off, takes off all of her clothes, and says 'You can have anything you want!!'\" \"Good choice,\" says the first, \"her clothes wouldn't have fit you anyway.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Medical", + "output": "A man walks into a doctors office. He says, \"Doctor, I'm suffering from silentgas emissions. All day at work, I have these silent gas emissions. Last nightduring a movie, I had 10 silent gas emissions. This morning in the car on theway to your office, I had five silent gas emissions. And while waiting in yourwaiting room I had three silent gas emissions. Right now, as a matter of fact,I've just had two more.\"The doctor replied, \"Well, the first thing we're going to do is check is yourhearing!\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Military", + "output": "The jumbo jet is just coming into Pearson Airport in Toronto on its final approach.The pilot comes on over the intercom and says, \"Ladies and gentlemen. This is Capt. Johnson speaking. We're on our final descent into Toronto. I want to thank you for flying with us today, and I hope you enjoy your stay in Toronto.\"Unknowingly, the pilot forgets to switch off the intercom and the entire plane can now hear the conversation in the cockpit.The co-pilot says to the pilot, \"Well, Captain, what are you gonna do here in Toronto?\"By now, all ears in the plane are listening in to this conversation.\"Well,\" says the Captain, \"First, I'm gonna check into the hotel and take a nice, long shower. Then I'm gonna take that new stewardess out for supper. You know, the cute one with the hot body. I'm gonna wine and dine her, then take her back to my room, and then I'm gonna make love to her all night long.\"Everyone in the plane is trying to get a look at the new stewardess.She's so embarrassed, she runs from the back of the plane to get to the cockpit to turn the intercom off.Halfway down the aisle, she trips over an old lady's bag and down she goes, flat on her face.The old lady leans over to her and says calmly, \"No need to run, dear. He said he's gotta take a shower first!\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Medical", + "output": "A mother and baby camel are talking one day when the baby camel asks, \"Mom why have I got these huge three toed feet?\" The mother replies, \"Well son, when we trek across the desert your toes will help you to stay on top of the soft sand\". \"OK\" said the son. A few minutes later the son asks, \"Mom, why have I got these great long eyelashes?\" \"They are there to keep the sand out of your eyes on the trips through the desert\", the camel mother answers. \"Thanks Mom\" replies the son. After a short while, the son returns and asks, \"Mom, why have I got these great big humps on my back??\" The mother, now a little impatient with the boy replies, \"They are there to help us store water for our long treks across the desert, so we can go without drinking for long periods.\" \"That's great mom, so we have huge feet to stop us sinking, and long eyelashes to keep the sand from our eyes and these humps to store water, but... Mom?\" \"Yes son?\" \"Why the heck are we in the San Diego zoo?\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Farmers", + "output": "A life-long city man, tired of the rat race, decided he was going to give up the city life, move to the country, and become a chicken farmer. He bought a nice, used chicken farm and moved in. As it turned out, his next door neighbor was also a chicken farmer. The neighbor came for a visit one day and said, \"Chicken farming isn 't easy. Tell you what. To help you get started, I 'll give you 100 chickens.\" The new chicken farmer was thrilled. Two weeks later the neighbor dropped by to see how things were going. The new farmer said, \"Not too well. All 100 chickens died.\" The neighbor said, \"Oh, I can 't believe that. I 've never had any trouble with my chickens. I 'll give you 100 more.\" Another two weeks went by and the neighbor stopped by again. The new farmer said, \"You 're not going to believe this, but the second 100 chickens died too.\" Astounded, the neighbor asked, \"What went wrong?\" The new farmer said, \"Well, I 'm not sure whether I 'm planting them too deep or too close together.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Business", + "output": "When the store manager returned from lunch, he noticed his clerk's hand was bandaged, but before he could ask about the bandage, the clerk said he had some very good news for him. \"Guess what, sir?\" the clerk said. \"I finally sold that terrible, ugly suit we've had so long!\" \"Do you mean that repulsive pink-and-blue double-breasted thing?\" the manager asked. \"That's the one!\" \"That's great!\" the manager cried, \"I thought we'd never get rid of that monstrosity! That had to be the ugliest suit we've ever had! But tell me. Why is your hand bandaged?\" \"Oh,\" the clerk replied, \"after I sold the guy that suit, his guide dog bit me.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Old Age", + "output": "An old woman is riding a crowded bus and has to stand with her heavy packages. Finally, someone in front of her gives up a seat and so she grabs it. \"Thank God,\" she says. A man in the seat behind her says \"Ecxuse me comerade, but this is an athiest society. You should say 'Thank Stalin,' not 'Thank God.'\" \"Of course you are right,\" the old woman says. \"Thank Stalin.\" She is silent for a moment, then says: \"Comerade, I have just had a terrible thought: What shall we say when Stalin dies?\" The man behind her replies \"In that case I think we can say 'Thank God.'\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Holidays", + "output": "So you want a day off. Let's take a look at what you are asking for. There are 365 days per year available for work. There are 52 weeks per year in which you already have 2 days off per week, leaving 261 days available for work. Since you spend 16 hours each day away fron work, you have used up 170 days, leaving only 91 days available.You spend 30 minutes each day on coffee break which counts for 23 days each year, leaving only 68 days available. With a 1 hour lunch each day, you used up another 46 days, leaving only 22 days available for work. You normally spend 2 days per year on sick leave. This leaves you only 20 days per year available for work. We are off 5 holidays per year, so your available working time is down to 15 days. We generously give 14 days vacation per year which leaves only 1 day available for work and I'll be damned if you are going to take that day off!" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Medical", + "output": "Tragically, three friends die in a car crash, and they find themselves at the gates of heaven. Before entering, they are each asked a question by St. Peter.\"When you are in your casket and friends and family are mourning upon you, what would you like to hear them say about you?\" asks St. Peter.The first guy says, \"I would like to hear them say that I was a great doctor of my time, and a great family man.\"The second guy says, \"I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher who made a huge difference in our children of tomorrow.\"The last guy replies, \"I would like to hear them say, \"Look! He's moving!\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Marriage", + "output": "A man who was called to testify at the IRS, asked his accountant for advice on what to wear. \"Wear your shabbiest clothing. Let him think you are a pauper,\" the accountant replied.Then he asked his lawyer the same question, but got the opposite advice. \"Do not let them intimidate you. Wear your most elegant suit and tie.\"Confused, the man went to his Rabbi, told him of the conflicting advice, and requested some resolution of the dilemma.\"Let me tell you a story,\" replied the Rabbi. \"A woman, about to be married, asked her mother what to wear on her wedding night. 'Wear a heavy, long, flannel nightgown that goes right up to your neck.'But when she asked her best friend, she got conflicting advice. Wear your most sexy negligee, with a v-neck right down to your navel.\"The man protested: \"What does all this have to do with my problem with the IRS?\"The Rabbi replied, \"No matter what you wear, you are going to get screwed.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Marriage", + "output": "An elderly man and his wife decided to separate. Before beingallowed to do so legally, the Family Court insisted they undergo somecounselling from the marriage guidance mob, to see if their union could besaved. The counsellor did her best, but to no avail. The old folk were absolutely determined to go through with separation leading to divorce.Finally, in some desperation, the counsellor said: \"But you're 95 and your wife is 93. You've been married for 72 years! Why do you want to separate now??\" To which the wife replied: \"We haven't been able to stand each other for the last 46 years. But we thought we should wait until all the children died before we split up.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Family, Parents", + "output": "Two cannibals, a father and son, were elected by the tribe to go out and get something to eat. They walked deep into the jungle and waited by a path. Before long, along came this little old man. The son said, \"Ooh dad, there's one.\" \"No,\" said the father. \"There's not enough meat on that one to even feed the dogs. We'll just wait.\" Well, a little while later, along came this really fat man. The son said, \"Hey dad, he's plenty big enough.\" \"No,\" the father said. \"We'd all die of a heart attack from the fat in that one. We'll just wait.\" About an hour later, here comes this absolutely gorgeous woman. The son said, \"Now there's nothing wrong with that one dad. Let's eat her.\" \"No,\" said the father. \"We'll not eat her either.\" \"Why not?\" asked the son. \"Because, we're going to take her back alive and eat your mother.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Love & Romance", + "output": "One evening a family brings their frail, elderly mother to a nursing home and leave her, hoping she will be well cared for. The next morning, the nurses bathe her, feed her a tasty breakfast, and set her in a chair at a window overlooking a lovely flower garden. She seems OK, but after a while she slowly starts to fall over sideways in her chair.Two attentive nurses immediately rush up to catch her and straighten her up. Again she seems OK, but after a while she starts to tilt to the other side. The nurses rush back and once more bring her back upright. This goes on all morning.Later the family arrives to see how the old woman is adjusting to her new home.They ask,\"So Ma, how is it here? Are they treating you all right?\"\"It's pretty nice,\" she replies. \"Except they won't let you fart.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Ethnic Jokes", + "output": "An Arab diplomat visiting the US for the first time was being wined and dined by the State Department. The Grand Emir wasn't used to the salt in American food (French fries, cheese, etc.) and was constantly sending his man- servant, Abdul, to fetch him a glass of water. Time and again, Abdul would scamper off and return with a glass of water. But finally he returned empty-handed. \"Abdul, you son of an ugly camel, where is my water??\" demanded the Grand Emir. 'A thousand pardons, O Illustrious One,\" stammered the wretched Abdul,\"but a man is sitting on the well.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Medical", + "output": "A guy goes to the doctor for a checkup and the doctor says,\"Well sir,I have bad news and I have worse news\". The guy says, \"well gimme the worst news first\". The doc says, \"well sir you have Cancer\". The guy says \"that's terrible news, but whats the bad news?\" The doc says \"well sir, you also have Alzheimers disease\". \"Well\", answers the guy, \"at least I don't have Cancer\"." + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Marriage", + "output": "An elderly man in Phoenix calls his son Bob in New York and says, \"I hate to ruin your day, but your mother and I are divorcing. Forty-five years of misery is enough! I'm sick of her, and I'm sick of talking about this, so call your sister in Boston and tell her,\" and then hangs up.The son frantically calls his sister, who goes nuts upon hearing the news.She calls her father and yells, \"You are not getting a divorce! Bob and I will be there tomorrow. Until then, don 't do a single thing, do you hear me?\"The father hangs up the phone, turns to his wife, and says, \"It worked! The kids are coming for a visit, and they 're paying their own way!\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Sex", + "output": "Sam has been in the computer business for 25 years and is finally sick of the stress. He quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in Vermont as far from humanity as possible. Sam sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise it's total peace and quiet. After six months or so of almost total isolation, he's finishing dinner when someone knocks on his door. He opens it and there is a big, bearded Vermonter standing there. \"Name's Enoch... Your neighbor from four miles over the ridge... Having a party Saturday... Thought you'd like to come.\"\"Great,\" says Sam, \"after six months of this I'm ready to meet some local folks. Thank you.\" As Enoch is leaving he stops, \"Gotta warn you there's gonna be some drinkin'.\"\"Not a problem... After 25 years in the computer business, I can drink with the best of 'em.\"Again, as he starts to leave Enoch stops. \"More 'n' likely gonna be some fightin' too.\"\"Damn\", Sam thinks... \"Tough crowd.\" \"Well, I get along with people. I'll be there. Thanks again.\"Once again Enoch turns from the door. \"I've seen some wild sex at these parties, too.\"\"Now that's not a problem\" says Sam, \"Remember I've been alone for six months! I'll definitely be there... By the way, what should I wear?\"Enoch stops in the door again and says, \"Whatever you want, just gonna be the two of us.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Blind Jokes", + "output": "A Blind man walks into a department store with his guide dog on a leash. As usual the store manager behind the customer service counter looks up, notices the customer is blind, and not wanting to stare quickly looks away again. Out of the corner of his eye the manager sees the blind man start swinging the dog over his head by its leash. Shocked, the manager runs over and says \"mister is there a problem - is there anything i can help you with?\" The blind man calmly replies \"No Thanks - I'm just looking around\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Miscellaneous", + "output": "These two convicts were about to be executed. The Warden says to the first one \"Do you have a last request?\"The convict says \"Yes. I'd like to hear A Christina Aguilera song one last time.\"The Warden says \"OK, I think we can arrange that.\" Then he says to the second convict \"How about you? Last request?\"The second convict says \"Yeah. Kill me first.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Money", + "output": "A rich businessman had a meeting with his new son-in-law. \"Welcome to the family,\" said the man. \"I'm so happy, I'm making you a 50-50 partner in my business. All you have to do is go to the factory every day and learn the operations.\" The son-in-law interrupted. \"Oh, um, I actually hate factories. Can't stand the noise.\" The father-in-law said, \"Well, then you'll work in the office and take charge of some of the operations.\" \"I hate office work, too\" said the son-on-law. \"I can't stand being stuck behind a desk all day.\" \"Wait a minute,\" said the father-in-law. \"I just made you half-owner of a moneymaking organization, but you don't like factories and won't work in a office. What am I going to do with you?\" \"Easy,\" said the young man. \"Buy me out.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Heaven and Hell", + "output": "A man dies and goes to hell. Satan greets him, shows him three doors, and says, \"You must spend the rest of eternity in one of the rooms behind these doors. Look in each one and decide which one you want.\"The man opens the first door, and sees a bunch of people standing on their heads on a wooden floor, looking very uncomfortable. He opens the second door, and sees a bunch of people standing on their heads on a concrete floor, looking even more uncomfortable. Finally, he opens the third door, and sees a bunch of people standing around chatting and drinking coffee, up to their knees in sewage.\"Hmmm,\" he says, \"that looks bad, but it's better than the other two. I'll take the third door.\" Satan smiles and shows him in.Ten minutes later Satan walks back into the room and says, \"Alright, coffee break's over, everyone back on your heads!\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Heaven and Hell", + "output": "The policeman signals to an car driver to pull over to the side of the road, due to the fact that he appears to be driving erratically. He says to the driver, \"You appear to have been drinking!\" The driver answers, \"No sir, I am just tired.\"The policeman looks into the car and notices that the driver is a priest! He also notices that there is an empty bottle on the floor. He says to the driver, \"What is, or should I say was in this bottle?The driver answers, \"Water!\" The policeman says, \"It is not, it's wine!\"The driver looks up to the heavens and says, \"Oh Lord, you have done it again!\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Military", + "output": "As the storm raged, the captain realized his ship was sinking fast. He called out, \"Anyone here know how to pray?\" One man stepped forward. \"Aye, Captain, I know how to pray.\" \"Good,\" said the captain, \"you pray while the rest of us put on our life jackets - we're one short.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Military", + "output": "A magician was working on a cruise ship in the Caribbean. The audience would be different each week, so the magician allowed himself to do the same tricks over and over again. There was only one problem: The captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the magician did every trick. Once he understood he started shouting in the middle of the show: \"Look, it's not the same hat\" \"Look, he is hiding the flowers under the table\" \"Hey, why are all the cards the Ace of Spades ?\" The magician was furious but couldn't do anything; it was, after all, the captain's parrot. One day the ship had an accident and sank. The magician found himself on a piece of wood in the middle of the ocean with the parrot, of course. They stared at each other with hatred, but did not utter a word. This went on for a day and then another and another. After a week the parrot said: \"OK, I give up. Where's the boat?\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Police Jokes", + "output": "Two military policemen were chasing a fleeing draftee from The military base. The draftee ran into the courtyard of a convent. He saw a nun seated on a round bench beneath a tree, quietly reading a book. He said to her, \"Quick sister, please hide me I don't want to be drafted and the M.P.'s are chasing me!\" She lifted up her skirt and said, \"Quick hide under here.\" The two policemen came by and asked if she had seen anyone. She replied, \"No.\" After they left she told the young boy to come out and that everything was going to be OK. He thanked her and said, \"You have a nice set of legs for a nun!\" She replied, \"If you reach up a little farther you'll find a nice set of balls too. I'm not going to be drafted either!\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Marriage", + "output": "A man with a winking problem is applying for a position as a sales representative for a large firm. The interviewer looks over his papers and says, \"This is phenomenal. You've graduated from the best schools; your recommendations are wonderful, and your experience is unparalleled. Normally, we'd hire you without a second thought. However, a sales representative has a highly visible position, and we're afraid that your constant winking will scare off potential customers. I'm sorry...we can't hire you.\" \"But wait,\" he said. \"If I take two aspirin, I'll stop winking!\" \"Really? Great! Show me!\" So the applicant reaches into his jacket pocket and begins pulling out all sorts of condoms: red condoms, blue condoms, ribbed condoms, flavored condoms; finally, at the bottom, he finds a packet of aspirin. He tears it open, swallows the pills, and stops winking. \"Well,\" said the interviewer, \"that's all well and good, but this is a respectable company, and we will not have our employees womanizing all over the country!\" \"Womanizing? What do you mean? I'm a happily married man!\" \"Well then, how do you explain all these condoms?\" \"Oh, that,\" he sighed. \"Have you ever walked into a pharmacy, winking, and asked for aspirin?\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Miscellaneous", + "output": "A man charged with assault and battery insisted at his trial that he had just pushed his victim \"a little bit\". When he was pressured by the prosecutor to illustrate just how hard, the defendant approached the lawyer, slapped him in the face, grabbed him firmly by the lapels and flung him over the table. He then faced judge and jury and calmly declared, \"I would say it was about one-tenth that hard.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Bar Jokes", + "output": "A drunk was staggering down the main street of town. Somehow he managed to make it up the stairs to the cathedral and into the building, where he crashed from pew to pew, finally making his way to a side aisle and into a confessional.A priest had been observing the man's sorry progress and figuring that the fellow was in need of some assistance, proceeded to enter his side of the confessional. But his attention was rewarded only by a lengthy silence. Finally he asked, \"May I help you, my son?\"\"I dunno...\" came the drunk's voice from behind the partition. \"You got any toilet paper on your side?\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Military", + "output": "Airman Jones was assigned to the induction center, where he advised new recruits about their government benefits, especially their GI insurance. It wasn't long before Captain Smith noticed that Airman Jones was having a staggeringly high success-rate, selling insurance to nearly 100% of the recruits he advised. Rather than asking him about this, the Captain stood at the back of the room and listened to Jones' sales pitch. Jones explained the basics of GI Insurance to the new recruits, and then said, \"If you are killed in a battle and have a GI Insurance, the government has to pay $200,000 to your beneficiaries. But, if you don't have a GI insurance and get killed in the battle, the government only has to pay a maximum of $6000.\" \"Now,\" he concluded, \"which group do YOU think they are going to send into battle first?\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Medical", + "output": "A man returns to the U.S. from Africa feeling very ill. He goes to see his doctor, and is immediately rushed to the hospital, to undergo a barrage of extensive tests.The man wakes up after the tests in a private room at the hospital, and the phone by his bed rings.\"This is your doctor. We've had the results back from your tests and we've found you have an extremely nasty virus, which is extremely contagious!\"\"Oh my gosh,\" cries the man. He's in a panic now. \"What are you going to do, doctor?\"\"Well we're going to put you on a diet of pizzas, pancakes, and pita bread.\"\"Will that cure me?\" asked the man hopefully.The doctor replied, \"Well no, but ... it's the only food we can get under the door.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Heaven and Hell", + "output": "Two friends, Sullivan and O'Doule worked together at the Guiness Brewery in Dublin. They hadn't been working there very long when one day, with no warning, O'Doule falls into one of the vats. To make a long story short, Sullivan's lifelong pal drowns. Sullivan, being O'Doule's best friend, feels obligated to go to the widow O'Doule and break the bad news to her. He walks to the house and knocks on the door. When the widow O'Doule answered, he bowed his head respectfully and told her what had happened. \"I'm sorry to be the one to tell ye,\" he said, \"but I'm afraid Seamus has fallen into one of the vats at work and has drowned. He's off to meet his maker.\" \"Alas,\" cried the widow. \"The poor man couldn't swim a stroke.\" \"The hell he couln't,\" replied Sullivan, \"He got out three times to take a pee!\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Office Jokes", + "output": "An accountant spends a week at his new office with the accountant he is replacing. On the last day the departing accountant tells him that he has left two envelopes in the desk drawer and that the envelope number 1 should be opened if he ever encounters any sort of crisis in the job and envelope number 2 if a further crisis occurs. Three months down the track there is a major drama, all the accounts are wrong - the usual stuff - and the accountant feels very threatened by it all. He remembers the parting words of his predecessor and finds and opens the first envelope. The message inside says \"blame me!\" He does this and gets off the hook. Three months later at his next crisis he opens the second envelope. The message inside says \"Write two envelopes\"." + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Sports", + "output": "Three athletes were standing in line waiting to enter the Olympic Village. The first guy is carrying a discus, and he walks up to the guard and says, \"Soviet Discus Team.\" The guard says \"pass\". The second guy is carring a vaulting pole, and he walks up to the guard and says, \"East German Pole Vaulting Team.\" The guard says \"pass\". The third guy is carrying a rolled up chain-link fence on his shoulder, he walks up to the guard and says, \"Polish Fencing Team.\" \"Pass...\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Sports", + "output": "Our story begins at the Olympics, specifically the wrestling event. It is narrowed down to the Russian or the American for the gold medal. Before the final match, the American wrestler's trainer came to him and said, \"Now don't forget all the research we've done on this Russian. He's never lost a match because of this \"pretzel\" hold he has. Whatever you do, don't let him get you in this hold! If he does, you're finished!\" The wrestler nodded in agreement. Now, to the match The American and the Russian circled each other several times looking for an opening. All of a sudden the Russian lunged forward, grabbing the American and wrapping him up in the dreaded pretzel hold! A sigh of disappointment went up from the crowd, and the trainer buried his face in his hands for he knew all was lost. He couldn't watch the ending. Suddenly there was a scream, a cheer from the crowd, and the trainer raised his eye just in time to see the Russian flying up in the air. The Russian's back hit the mat with a thud, and the American weakly collapsed on top of him, getting the pin and winning the match. The trainer was astounded! When he finally got the American wrestler alone, he asks, \"How did you ever get out of that hold? No one has ever done it before!\" The wrestler answered, \"Well, I was ready to give up when he got me in that hold, but at the last moment, I opened my eyes and saw this pair of balls right in front of my face. \"I thought I had nothing to lose, so with my last ounce of strength I stretched out my neck and bit those babies just as hard as I could. \"You'd be amazed how strong you get when you bite your own balls!\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Love & Romance", + "output": "On the farm lived a chicken and a horse, both of whom loved to play together. One day, the two were playing, when the horse fell into a bog and began to sink. Scared for his life, the horse whinnied for the chicken to go get the farmer for help! Off the chicken ran, back to the farm. Arriving at the farm, he searched and searched for the farmer, but to no avail, for he had gone to town with the only tractor. Running around, the chicken spied the farmer's new Harley. Finding the keys in the ignition, the chicken sped off with a length of rope hoping he still had time to save his friend's life. Back at the bog, the horse was surprised, but happy, to see the chicken arrive on the shiny Harley, and he managed to get a hold of the loop of rope the chicken tossed to him. After tying the other end to the rear bumper of the farmer's bike, the chicken then drove slowly forward and, with the aid of the powerful bike, rescued the horse! Happy and proud, the chicken rode the Harley back to the farmhouse, and the farmer was none the wiser when he returned. The friendship between the two animals was cemented: Best Buddies, Best Pals. A few weeks later, the chicken fell into a mud pit, and soon, he too, began to sink and cried out to the horse to save his life. The horse thought a moment, walked over, and straddled the large puddle. Looking underneath, he told the chicken to grab his hangy-down thing and he could then lift him out of the pit. The chicken got a good grip, and the horse pulled him up and out, saving his life. The moral of the story? (Yes, there's a moral!) \"When You're Hung Like A Horse, You Don't Need A Harley To Pick Up Chicks!\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Miscellaneous", + "output": "Two tigers were stalking through the jungles of Asia. Suddenly, the one to the rear reached out with his tongue, and licked the posterior of the tiger in front of him. The startled front tiger turned and said, \"Cut it out.\" The rear tiger apologized, and they continued onward. About five minutes later, it happened again. The front tiger turned, growling, \"I said stop it.\" The rear tiger again apologized, and they continued. Another five minutes passed, and again the front tiger felt the unwanted tongue. The front tiger turned, giving the rear tiger a ferocious glare, angrily hissing, \"What is it with you?\" The rear tiger replied, \"I'm sorry -- I really didn't mean to offend you. But I just ate a lawyer and I'm trying to get the taste out of my mouth!\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Business", + "output": "These are actual warnings given on various products: 1. On a blanket from Taiwan - NOT TO BE USED AS PROTECTION FROM A TORNADO. 2. On a helmet mounted mirror used by US cyclists - REMEMBER, OBJECTS IN THE MIRROR ARE ACTUALLY BEHIND YOU. 3. On a Taiwanese shampoo - USE REPEATEDLY FOR SEVERE DAMAGE. 4. On the bottle-top of a (UK) flavoured milk drink AFTER OPENING, KEEP UPRIGHT. 5. On a New Zealand insect spray - THIS PRODUCT NOT TESTED ON ANIMALS. 6. In a US guide to setting up a new computer - TO AVOID CONDENSATION FORMING, ALLOW THE BOXES TO WARM UP TO ROOM TEMPERATURE BEFORE OPENING. (Sensible, but the instruction was INSIDE the box.) 7. In some countries, on the bottom of Coke bottles OPEN OTHER END. 8. On a packet of Sunmaid raisins - WHY NOT TRY TOSSING OVER YOUR FAVOURITE BREAKFAST CEREAL? 9. On a Sears hairdryer - DO NOT USE WHILE SLEEPING. 10. On a bag of Fritos - YOU COULD BE A WINNER! NO PURCHASE NECESSARY. DETAILS INSIDE. 11. On a bar of Dial soap - DIRECTIONS - USE LIKE REGULAR SOAP. 12. On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom of the box)- DO NOT TURN UPSIDE DOWN. 13. On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding - PRODUCT WILL BE HOT AFTER HEATING. 14. On a Korean kitchen knife - WARNING KEEP OUT OF CHILDREN. 15. On a string of Chinese-made Christmas lights - FOR INDOOR OR OUTDOOR USE ONLY." + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Marriage", + "output": "An old man was wondering if his wife had a hearing problem. So one night, he stood behind her while she was sitting in her lounge chair. He spoke softly to her, \"Honey, can you hear me?\" There was no response. He moved a little closer and said again, \"Honey, can you hear me?\" Still, there was no response. Finally he moved right behind her and said, \"Honey, can you hear me?\" She replied, \"For the third time, Yes!\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Marriage", + "output": "The IRS Visit Joseph was called to testify at the Internal Revenue Service (IRS), so he asked his accountant for advice on how to dress for the occasion. \"Wear your shabbiest clothing so that they think you're a pauper.\" His accountant told him. Joseph decided to ask his lawyer as well. \"Wear your best clothing so they know you aren't intimidated.\" The lawyer said. Completely confused, Joseph went to his priest and told him about the conflicting advice he had received, asking for his advice. \"Let me tell you a story.\" The priest said. \"A woman, about to be married, asked her mother what she should wear on her wedding night and was told to wear a heavy, long, flannel nightgown that covered her all the way up to her neck. She also asked her best friend, who told her to wear a sexy negligee with a V neck down to her navel.\" Joseph was confused. \"What does any of that have to do with my problem with the IRS?\" \"Simple.\" replied the priest. \"It doesn't matter what you wear, you're still going to get the screwed.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Military", + "output": "Once upon a time, there was an officer of the Royal Navy named Captain Bravado who showed no fear when facing his enemies. One day, while sailing the Seven Seas, his lookout spotted a pirate ship approaching, and the crew became frantic. Captain Bravado bellowed, \"Bring me my red shirt!\" The first mate quickly retrieved the captain's red shirt, and while wearing the brightly colored frock, the Captain led his crew into battle and defeated the mighty pirates. That evening, all the men sat around on deck recounting the triumph of earlier. One of them asked the Captain, \"Sir, why did you call for your red shirt before battle?\" The Captain replied, \"If I were to be wounded in the attack, the shirt would not show my blood. Thus, you men would continue to fight, unafraid.\" All of the men sat and marveled at the courage of such a manly man's man. As dawn came the next morning, the lookout spotted not one, not two, but TEN pirate ships approaching. The crew stared in worshipful silence at the Captain and waited for his usual orders. Captain Bravado gazed with steely eyes upon the vast armada arrayed against his ship, and without fear, turned and calmly shouted, \"Get me my brown pants.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Sex", + "output": "An alien and a man were sitting next to each other in a bar. The alien was constantly poking the guy's cheek and saying, \"zzzt!\" Finally, the guy got so mad at the alien that he said, \"If you do that one more time, I'll chop your pecker off!'' Again, the alien poked his cheek and said, \"zzzt!\" The guy said, \"Okay, that's it!\" He got up, grabbed the sharpest knife he could find, and pulled down the alien's pants. But he was astounded to see nothing there. He then said, \"Well, if you don't have a you know, a whang, how do you have sex?\" The alien just smiled, poked the guy's cheek, and said \"zzzt!\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Old Age", + "output": "Three old ladies are sitting in a diner, chatting about various things. One lady says, \"You know, I'm getting really forgetful. This morning, I was standing at the top of the stairs, and I couldn't remember whether I had just come up or was about to go down.\" The second lady says, \"You think that's bad? The other day, I was sitting on the edge of my bed, and I couldn't remember whether I was going to bed or had just woken up!\" The third lady smiles smugly. \"Well, my memory's just as good as it's always been, knock wood.\" She raps the table. With a startled look on her face, she asks, \"Who's there?\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Love & Romance", + "output": "A newlywed couple were spending their honeymoon in a remote log cabin resort way up the mountains of Scotland. They had registered on Saturday and they had not been seen for 5 days. An elderly couple ran the resort, and they were getting concerned about the welfare of these newlyweds. The old man decided to go and see if they were all right. He knocked on the door of the cabin and a weak voice from inside answered. The old man asked if they were OK. \"Yes, we're fine. We're living on the fruits of love\". The old man replied, \"I thought so ... would you mind not throwing the peelings out the window ... they're choking my ducks!\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Family, Parents", + "output": "A Jewish boy comes home from school and tells his mother he's been given a part in the school play. \"Wonderful. What part is it?\" The boy says, \"I play the part of the Jewish husband.\" The mother scowls and says, \"Go back and tell the teacher you want a speaking part.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Office Jokes", + "output": "A guy goes to the Post Office to interview for a job.The interviewer asks him, \"Are you a veteran?\" The guy says, \"Why yes, in fact, I served two tours in Vietnam.\"\"Good,\" says the interviewer, \"That counts in your favor. Do you have any service-related disabilities?\"The guy says, \"In fact I am 100% disabled. During a battle, an explosion removed my private parts so they declared me disabled, it doesn't affect my ability to work, though.\"\"Sorry to hear about the damage, but I have some good news for you, I can hire you right now! Our working hours are 8 to 4. Come on in about 10, and we'll get you started.\"The guy says, \"If working hours are from 8 to 4, why do you want me to come at 10?\"\"Well, here at the post office, we don't do anything but sit around and scratch our balls for the first two hours. Don't need you here for that!\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Miscellaneous", + "output": "Three men, one German, one Japanese and a Texan were sitting naked in a sauna. Suddenly there was a beeping sound. The German pressed his forearm and the beep stopped. The others looked at him questioningly. \"That was my pager, \"he said, \"I have a microchip under the skin of my arm.\" A few minutes later a phone rang. The Japanese fellow lifted his palm to his ear. When he finished he explained, \"That was my mobile phone. I have a microchip in my hand.\" The Texan felt decidedly low tech, but not to be outdone he decided he had to do something just as impressive. He stepped out of the sauna and went to the bathroom. He returned with a piece of toilet paper hanging from his behind. The others raised their eyebrows and stared at him. The Texan finally said \"Well, will you look at that, I'm getting a fax.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Money", + "output": "Things You Don't Want to Hear During Surgery:- Oops! - Has anyone seen my watch? - That was some party last night I can't remember when I've been that drunk.- Damn! Page 47 of the manual is missing!- Well this book doesn't say that... What edition is your manual?- OK, now take a picture from this angle. This is truly a freak of nature.- Better save that. We'll need it for the autopsy.- Come back with that! Bad Dog!- Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what's that?- Hand me that...uh...that uh.....thingie- If I can just remember how they did this on ER last week.- Hey, has anyone ever survived 500ml of this stuff before?- Damn, there go the lights again...- Ya know, there's big money in kidneys. Hell, the guy's got two of 'em.- Everybody stand back! I lost my contact lens!- Could you stop that thing from beating; it's throwing my concentration off.- I wish I hadn't forgotten my glasses.- Well folks, this will be an experiment for all of us.- Steril, shcmeril. The floor's clean, right?- What do you mean he wasn't in for a sex change!- What do you mean, he's not insured?- This patient has already had some kids, am I correct?- Nurse, did this patient sign the organ donation card?- Don't worry. I think it is sharp enough.- What do you mean \"You want a divorce\"!- I don't know what it is, but hurry up and pack it in ice.- Let's hurry, I don't want to miss \"Bay Watch\"- That laughing gas stuff is pretty cool. Can I have some more of that?- Hey Charlie, unzip the bag on that one, he's still moving.- Did the doctor know he would look like that afterwards?- Of course I've performed this operation before, Nurse!- FIRE! FIRE! Everyone get out!" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Miscellaneous", + "output": "A vampire bat came flapping in from the night covered in fresh blood and parked himself on the roof of the cave to get some sleep.Pretty soon all the other bats smelt the blood and began hassling him about where he got it. He told them to go away and let him get some sleep. However, the bats persisted until finally he gave in. \"OK, follow me,\" he said and flew out of the cave with hundreds of bats behind him. Down through a valley they went, across a river and into a forest full of trees. Finally he slowed down and all the other bats excitedly milled around him.\"Now, do you see that tree over there?\" he asked.\"Yes, yes, yes!\" the bats all screamed in a hungry frenzy.\"Good,\" said the first bat tiredly, \"Because I didn't!\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Love & Romance", + "output": "Mrs.O'Donovan was walking down O'Connell Street in Dublin, and coming in the opposite direction was Father Rafferty. \"Hello,\" said the Father, \"and how is Mrs.O'Donovan? Didn't I marry you two years ago?\" She replied \"That you did Father.\" The priest asked, \"And are there any little ones yet?\" \"No, not yet Father,\" said she. \"Well, now, I'm going to Rome next week, and I'll light a candle for you.\" \"Thank you, Father.\" And away she went.A few years later they met again. \"Well, now, Mrs. O'Donovan,\" said the Father, \"how are you?\" \"Oh, very well,\" said she. \"And tell me,\" he said, \"have you any little ones yet?\" \"Oh yes, Father. I've had three sets of twins, and four singles -- ten in all.\" \"Now isn't that wonderful,\" he said \"And how is your lovely husband?\" \"Oh,\" she said, \"he's gone to Rome. To blow out the damn candle!" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Bar Jokes", + "output": "After a Beer Festival, in London, all the brewery presidents decided to go out for a beer. The guy from Corona sits down and says \"Hey Sen~or, I would like the world's best beer, a Corona.\" The bartender dusts off a bottle from the shelf and gives it to him. The guy from Budweiser says \"I'd like the best beer in the world, give me 'The King Of Beers', a Budweiser.\" The bartender gives him one. The guy from Coors says \"I'd like the only beer made with Rocky Mountain spring water, give me a Coors.\" He gets it. The guy from Guiness sits down and says \"Give me a Coke.\" The bartender is a little taken aback, but gives him what he ordered. The other brewery presidents look over at him and ask \"Why aren't you drinking a Guiness?\" and the Guiness resident replies \"Well, if you guys aren't drinking beer, neither will I.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Money", + "output": "A man with no arms walked in to a bar and asked for a beer. The bartender shoved the foaming glass in front of him.\"Look,\" said the customer, \"I have no arms - would you please hold the glass up to my mouth?\"\"Sure\", said the bartender, and he did.\"Now,\" said the customer, \"I wonder if you'd be so kind as to get my handkerchief out of my pocket and wipe the foam off my mouth.\"\"Certainly.\" And it was done.\"If you'd reach in my right hand pants pocket,\" said the armlessman, \"you'll find the money for the beer.\"The bartender got it.\"You've been very kind,\" said the customer. \"Just one thing more.Where is the men's room?\"\"Out the door,\" said the bartender, \"turn left, walk two blocks,and there's one in a filling station on the corner.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Love & Romance", + "output": "Three guys work on a constuction site. One is white, one is black and one is Polish. The bell rings for lunch and the white man opens his lunchbag and sighs deeply, saying, ''If my wife packs me a ham sandwich again tomorrow I'm jumping off the building.'' The black guy opens up his lunch, glares and says '' If my wife packs me a ham sandwich again tomorrow, I'm going with you.\" The Polish man opens his lunch, pulls out another ham sandwich, and says ''I'm with you guys.'' The next day the lunch bell rings.The white man opens his lunch. He says, ''Turkey sandwich. I love my wife.'' The black guy opens his lunch. He says, ''Chicken sandwich. I love my wife. The Polish man opened his lunchbox, looked stricken, and said '' See ya guys.'' With that, he jumped off the building. The black guy says '' I feel sorry for him. ''The white man replies, ''Why?'' The black guy said, ''Because he packs his own lunch.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Love & Romance", + "output": "A pregnant woman goes to the doctor for results of a test. The doctor invites her in to sit down. \"I'm sorry to tell you, Mrs. Smith, that your baby has some serious problems.\" \"What problems, doctor? I mean, when it arrives, I'll love it. It's my child and I'll love it regardless.\" \"Well, yes, of course,... but your child has no legs.\" \"Oh dear. Well, it's my child, and I'll love it regardless.\" \"And it hasn't got any arms either.\" \"What?\" \"Exactly what I said. Your child doesn't have a body, or a face. Infact, your child is only a very, very big ear.\" \"Oh my God! This is terrible! Well, it's my child, and I'll love it.I'll learn all the lullabies in the world to sing to it.\" \"Mrs. Smith, one last thing.... Unfortunately, your child is deaf.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Miscellaneous", + "output": "Two guys get busted for smoking dope, so they have to go into court on a Friday. They go to court and the judge says, \"If you can convince more than 5 people to stop doing drugs for the rest of their lives, you won't be sent to jail.\" So the two men agree and the judge tells them to come back on Monday. So the two guys come back on Monday and the judge asks how they did. ''I got 17 people to get off drugs,'' says the first guy. ''Wow, how'd you do that?'' asks the judge. ''I used circles. I told them that this large circle is your brain before drugs and this small circle is your brain after drugs.'' ''Oh, that's nothing!\" said the second guy. \"I convinced 156 people to get off drugs.'' ''Wow. How'd you do that?'' asked the judge. ''Well, I used circles too. I told them this small circle is your butthole before prison...''" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Office Jokes", + "output": "A man died and went to heaven. As he stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him. He asked, \"What are all those clocks?\" St. Peter answered, \"Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie the hands on your clock will move.\" \"Oh,\" said the man, \"Whose clock is that?\" \"That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie.\" \"Incredible,\" said the man. \"And whose clock is that one?\" St. Peter responded, \"That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abe told only two lies in his entire life.\" \"Where's George Bush's clock?\" asked the man. \"Bush's clock is in Jesus' office. He's using it as a ceiling fan.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Medical", + "output": "In a mental institution, a nurse walks into a room and sees a patient acting as if he's driving a car. The nurse asks him, \"Charlie! What are you doing?\" Charlie replied, \"Can't talk right now....I'm driving to Chicago!\" The nurse wishes him a good trip and leaves the room. The next day the nurse enters Charlie's room just as he stops driving his imaginary car and asks, \"Well Charlie, how are you doing?\" Charlie says, \"I'm exhausted, I just got into Chicago and I need some rest.\" \"That's great,\" replied the nurse, \"I'm glad you had a safe trip.\" The nurse leaves Charlie's room, and goes across the hall into Fred's room, and finds Fred sitting on his bed masturbating vigorously. With suprise she asks, \"Fred what are you doing!?\" To which Fred replies, \"I'm screwing Charlie's wife. He's in Chicago!\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Office Jokes", + "output": "Two bone weary public servants were working their little hearts and souls out. Their department was just too busy for staff to be able take flex. But there had to be a way... One of the two public servants suddenly lifted his head. \"I know how to get some time off work\" the man whispered. \"How?\" asked the second worker. Instead of answering, the man quickly looked around. No sign of his Director. He jumped up on his desk, kicked out a couple of ceiling tiles and hoisted himself up. \"Look!\" he hissed, then swinging his legs over a metal pipe, hung upside down. Within seconds, the Director emerged from the Branch Head's office at the far end of the floor. He saw the worker hanging from the ceiling, and asked him what on earth he thought he was doing. \"I'm a light bulb\" answered the public servant. \"I think you need some time off,\" barked the Director. \"Get out of here - that's an order - and I don't want to see you back here for at least another two days! You understand me?\" \"Yes sir\", the public servant answered meekly, then jumped down, logged off his computer and left. The second worker was hot on his heels. \"Where do you think you're going?\" the boss asked. \"Home,\" he said lightly. \"I can't work in the dark.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Miscellaneous", + "output": "A man died in a horrible fire. The mortician thought it was George, but the body was so badly burned that somebody would need to make a positive identification. That task fell to George's two friends, Joe and Al. Joe: \"He's burnt pretty bad, all right. Roll him over.\" Joe looked at the dead man's buttocks and said, \"Nope, that ain't George.\" Thinking the incident strange, the mortician straightened up the body and said nothing. He brought in Al. Al: \"Wow, he's burnt to a crisp. Roll him over.\" Again, \"Nope, that ain't George.\" Mortician: \"How can you tell?\" Al: \"George had two buttholes.\" Mortician: \"What? How could he have two buttholes?\" Al: \"Everybody knew George had two buttholes. Whenever the three of us would go into town you'd hear people say, \"Here comes George with those two buttholes!\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Heaven and Hell", + "output": "There was a party that many rich people attended. The host had recently built a tank with many alligators, paranas, and many other things that could kill you. The host said that if anyone could swim across the tank, he would, to the best of his ability, grant them 3 wishes. Well, nobody was up to the challenge, so everyone just started having a good time and doing that \"party thing.\" Suddenly, there was this big splash! The host looked and saw a man swimming to beat hell across the tank, and, look and behold, he made it! The host walked over to the man and said, \"Alright, you made it, WOW!. What are your 3 wishes?\" The man replied, \"First, you see that shotgun of yours? give me it, Two, see those bullets over there? give me them, 3, show me the bastard who pushed me in.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Miscellaneous", + "output": "It was opening night at the theatre and the Amazing Claude was topping the bill. People came from miles around to seethe famed hypnotist do his stuff. As Claude took to the stage,he announced, \"Unlike most stage hypnotists who invite two or three people up onto the stage to be put into a trance, I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience.\" The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat. I want you eachto keep your eye on this antique watch. It's a very special watch.It's been in my family for six generations.\" He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, \"Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch....\" The crowdbecame mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs of eyesfollowed the swaying watch, until suddenly it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces. \"Sh*t!\" said the hypnotist.It took three weeks to clean up the theatre." + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Blind Jokes", + "output": "A blind man is walking down the street with his seeing-eye dog one day. They come to a busy intersection, and the dog, ignoring the high volume of traffic zooming by on the street, leads the blind man right out into the thick of traffic. This is followed by the screech of tires and horns blaring as panicked drivers try desperately not to run the pair down.The blind man and the dog finally reach the safety of the sidewalk on the other side of the street, and the blind man pulls a cookie out of his coat pocket, which he offers to the dog. A passer-by, having observed the near fatal incident, can't control his amazement and says to the blind man, \"Why on earth are you rewarding your dog with a cookie? He nearlygot you killed!\"The blind man turns partially in his direction and replies,\"To find out where his head is, so I can kick his ass.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Religious", + "output": "Two priests died at the same time and met Saint Peter at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter said, \"I'd like to get you guys in now, but our computer is down. You'll have to go back to Earth for about a week, but you can't go back as priests. So what else would you like to be?\" The first priest says, \"I've always wanted to be an eagle, soaring above the Rocky Mountains.\" \"So be it,\" says St. Peter, and off flies the first priest. The second priest mulls this over for a moment and asks, \"Will any of this week 'count', St. Peter?\" \"No, I told you the computer's down. There's no way we can keep track of what you're doing.\" \"In that case,\" says the second priest, \"I've always wanted to be a stud.\" \"So be it\" says St. Peter, and the second priest disappears. A week goes by, the computer is fixed, and the Lord tells St. Peter to recall the two priests. \"Will you have any trouble locating them?\" He asks. \"The first one should be easy,\" says St. Peter. \"He's somewhere over the Rockies, flying with the eagles. But the second one could prove to be more difficult.\" \"Why?\" asketh the Lord. \"He's on a snow tire, somewhere in North Dakota.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Aviation", + "output": "Two Arabs boarded a flight out of London. One took a window seat and the other sat next to him in the middle seat. Just before takeoff, an American sat down in the aisle seat. After takeoff, the American kicked his shoes off, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the Arab in the window seat said,\"I need to get up and get a beer\". \"Don't get up,\" said the American, \"I'm in the aisle seat. I'll get it for you\". As soon as he left, one of the Arabs picked up the American's shoe and spat in it. When he returned with the beer, the other Arab said, \"That looks good, I'd really like one, too\". Again, the American obligingly went to fetch it. While he was gone the other Arab picked up his other shoe and spat in it too. When the American returned, they all sat back and enjoyed the flight. As the plane was landing, the American slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened. \"Why does it have to be this way?\" he asked. \"How long must this go on? This fighting between our nations? This hatred? This animosity? This spitting in shoes...... pissing in beers?\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "School", + "output": "The girl was supposed to write a short story in as few words as possiblefor her college class and the instructions were that it had to discuss Religion, Sexuality and Mystery.She was the only one who receivedan A+ and this is what she wrote:Good God, I'm pregnant. I wonder who did it?" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Police Jokes", + "output": "A US Border Patrol Agent catches an illegal alien in the bushes right by the border fence, he pulls him out and says \"Sorry, you know the law, you've got to go back across the border right now.\" The mexican man pleads with them, \"No, noooo Senior, I must stay in de USA! Pleeeze!\" The Border Patrol Agent thinks to himself, I'm going to make it hard for him and says \"Ok, I'll let you stay if you can use 3 english words in a sentence\". The Mexican man of course agrees. The Border Patrol Agent tells him, \"The 3 words are: Green, Pink and Yellow. Now use them in 1 sentence.\" The Mexican man thinks really hard for about 2 minutes, then says, \"Hmmm, Ok. The phone, it went Green, Green, Green, I Pink it up and sez Yellow?\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Miscellaneous", + "output": "A man enters a cafe, sits down & notices that the special of the day is cold chili. When the waitress comes to take his order, he says, \"I'll take the cold chili.\" \"I'm sorry, the gentlemen next to you got the last bowl,\" says the waitress. \"Oh. I'll just have coffee, then.\" After a while the man notices that the guy next to him who got the last bowl of cold chili is finishing a rather large meal and the chili bowl is still full. He asks, \"Are you going to eat that?\" The other man replies, \"No.\" \"Would you sell it to me?\" \"You can have it for free if you want it.\" So the man takes the bowl of chili and begins to eat it. When he gets about half way through the bowl, he notices a dead mouse in the bowl and pukes the chili back into the bowl. The other man says sympathetically, \"That's about as far as I got, too.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Miscellaneous", + "output": "An explorer in the deepest amazon suddenly finds himself surrounded by a bloodthirsty group of natives. Upon surveying his situation, he says to himself: \"I'm screwed\". There is a ray of light from the sky and a voice booms out: \"No, you are NOT screwed. Pick up that stone in front of you and bach the head of the chief\". So the explorer picks up the stone and proceedes to bach in the heads of the chief. He is breathing heavily while standing above the lifeless body. Surrounding him are the 100 native warriors with a look of shock on their gaces. The coice booms out again: \"Okay NOW your'e screwed!\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "State Jokes", + "output": "An English tourist went to Texas, He got off the bus in Fort Worth, and asked, \"Where's a good place to eat?\" A man said, \"Right down the road is a men's club.\" The man didn't realize they had a swimming pool, a work-out room, indoor squash, and racquetball. He just walked to the restaurant door and said to the waitress, \"Lady, bring me a steak and a coke.\" The waitress brought out a mug that was 12 inches in diameter and 1 1/2 feet tall. The man said, \"I just wanted a coke, not the whole factory!\" She said, \"Mister, this is Texas and everything's bigger in Texas.\" Soon she came back with his steak, and it hung over all sides of a huge Sizzling platter. He said, \"Lady, I just wanted a steak, not the whole cow!\" She said, \"Mister, this is Texas, and everything's bigger in Texas.\" He finally finished his meal and asked the waitress, \"Which way to the toilet?\" She said, \"It's down the hall, third door on the right.\" The man absentmindedly turned into the third door on the left and, with one step, fell into the swimming pool. \"Help! Help!\" he screamed. \"Don't flush it!\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Idiots", + "output": "One day, a diver was enjoying the aquatic world 20 feet below sea level. He noticed a guy at the same depth he was, with no scuba gear on whatsoever.The diver went below another 10 feet, but the guy joined him a minute later. The diver went below 15 more feet, a minute later, the same guy joined him.This confused the diver, so he took out a waterproof chalkboard, and wrote, \"How the heck are you able to stay under this deep without equipment?\"The guy took the board and chalk, erased what the diver had written, and wrote, \"I'm drowning, you moron!\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Love & Romance", + "output": "Shortly after Bill Gates was killed in a freak accident, he found himself being sized up by Saint Peter. \"Bill, this is a tough call. You've made great technological advancements with Microsoft, but you've also given us Windows 95. I think I'm going to let you choose between Heaven and Hell.\" \"That sounds fair,\" Gates replied. \"May I have a look at hell first?\" And so first Saint Peter took him to Hell. \"This is hell? Wow, look at all those gorgeous women, the ones that laughed when I asked them out on dates in high school. And look at those mansions!\" exclaimed Bill. \"And see all those coders? They work 24 hours a day for free just because they really love you, Bill, and live only to please you.\" \"Shazam, this is all virtual, isn't it, Saint Peter?\" \"Yep. With no bugs, Bill.\" \"If this is hell, what can heaven be like?\" (Saint Peter makes sweeping gesture) \"Like this!\" \"People wearing robes and playing harps while they sit on clouds? What a boring cliche. I'll take Hell!\" replies, Gates. And so two weeks later, St Peter paid a little visit. \"Hey what the hell's going on? It's nearly 200 degrees and the air is terrible. There's no food or drink. Goblins jab me in the ribs constantly. I'm crawling with vermin and weak with disease. They play the Beastie Boys at all hours, for all eternity. There are NO COMPUTERS! Where are the women, the program slaves, the virtual wonders? Where is the splendid hell you promised me?\" cries Gates. \"Oh that, that was just a demo...\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Bar Jokes", + "output": "A guy comes home completely drunk one night. He lurches through the door and is met by his scowling wife, who is most definitely not happy. \"Where the hell have you been all night?\" she demands.\"At this fantastic new bar,\" he says. \"The Golden Saloon. Everything there is golden. It's got huge golden doors, a golden floor, the works - hell, even the urinal's gold!\" The wife still doesn't believe his story, and the next day checks the phone book, finding a place across town called the Golden Saloon. She calls up the place to check her husband's story.\"Is this the Golden Saloon?\" she asks when the bartender answers the phone. \"Yes it is,\" bartender answers. \"Do you have huge golden doors?\" \"Sure do.\" \"Do you have golden floors?\" \"Most certainly do.\" \"What about golden urinals?\" There's a long pause, then the woman hears the bartender yelling, \"Hey, Duke, I think I got a lead on the guy that pissed in your saxophone last night!\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "School", + "output": "A girl has brought her fiance home for dinner. After dinner, the fiance and the girl's father go into the study for a man to man talk. \"So, what are you doing right now?\" asks the father. \"I am a theology scholar,\" replies the fiance. \"Do you have any plans of employment?\" \"I will study and God will provide.\" \"What about the children?\" asks the man. \"God will provide.\" \"And your house and car?\" \"Again, God will provide,\" says the fiance. After the talk, the girl's mother asks the father, \"So what did you two talk about?\" The man replies, \"He has no plans of employment, but on the other hand, he thinks I'm God.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Farmers", + "output": "A young man from the city went to visit his farmer uncle. For the first few days, the uncle showed him the usual things - chickens, cows, crops, etc. After three days, however, it was obvious that the nephew was getting bored, and the uncle was running out of things to amuse him with. Finally, the uncle decided to give them a real treat. \"Why don't you grab a gun, take my prized hunting dogs, and go have some fun shooting?\" This seemed to cheer the nephew up, and with enthusiasm, off he went, dogs in trail. After a few hours, the nephew returned. \"How did you enjoy that?\" asked the uncle. \"It was great!\" exclaimed the nephew. \"Got any more dogs?\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Aviation", + "output": "Passengers on a small commuter plane are waiting for the flight to leave. The entrance opens, and two men walk up the aisle, dressed in pilots' uniforms--both are wearing dark glasses, one is using a seeing-eye dog, and the other is tapping his way up the aisle with a cane.Nervous laughter spreads through the cabin; but the men enter the cockpit, the door closes, and the engines start up. The passengers begin glancing nervously around, searching for some sign that this just a little practical joke. None is forthcoming. The plane moves faster and faster down the runway, and people at the windows realize that they're headed straight for the water at the edge of the airport territory. As it begins to look as though the plane will never take off, that it will plow into the water, panicked screams fill the cabin--but at that moment, the plane lifts smoothly into the air. The passengers relax and laugh a little sheepishly, and soon they have all retreated into their magazines, secure in the knowledge that the plane is in good hands. Up in the cockpit, the copilot turns to the pilot and says, \"You know, Bob, one of these days, they're going to scream too late, and we're all gonna die. . .\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Heaven and Hell", + "output": "A man walks into the market followed by his ten-year-old son. The kid is spinning a 25-cent piece in the air and catching it between his teeth. As they walk through the market someone bumps into the boy at just the wrong moment and the coin goes straight into his mouth and lodges in his throat. He immediately starts choking and going blue in the face and Dad starts panicking, shouting and screaming for help. A middle-aged, fairly unremarkable man in a gray suit is sitting at a coffee bar in the market reading his newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion he looks up, puts his coffee cup down on the saucer, neatly folds his newspaper and places it on the counter. He gets up from his seat and makes his unhurried way across the market. Reaching the boy (who is still standing, but just barely) the man carefully takes hold of the kid's testicles and squeezes gently but firmly. After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the 25-cent piece, which the man catches in his free hand. Releasing the boy, the man hands the coin to the father and walks back to his seat in the coffee bar without saying a word. As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no lasting ill effects, the father rushes over to the man and starts effusively thanking him. The man looks embarrassed and brushes off the father's thanks. As the man is about to leave, the father asks one last question: \"I've never seen anybody do anything like that before -it was fantastic - what are you, a surgeon or something like that?\" \"Oh, good heavens, no\", the man replies, \"I work for the IRS.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Money", + "output": "A limousine had encountered a red traffic light and was waiting for it to change when a small mini also drives up. The haughty businessman int he back of the limousine started bragging to the mini owner. \"This is the best limo that money can buy. It has ABS, airbags for all passengers, automatic climate control, onboard computer control system, photochromatic glass, mini bar, a television with satellite dish embedded in the roof, blah blah blah....\" At this point the mini owner interrupted. \"But do you have a video in there?\" The light changed just then, and the limo driver pulled off. The businessman in back felt a bit down that he didn't have this simple item, and that very day had one installed in the limo. A few days passed, and again the limo was at a traffic light when the businessman spotted the mini. It was pulled over to a side, with the glass all steamed up, and steam coming from a half open window. Upon seeing this, the businessman got out of his car and knocked on the window of the mini. After a few moments, the mini owner poked his head out. \"I installed a VCR in my limo,\" said the businessman proudly. \"What!?!' the mini-man responded. \"You got me out of the shower for THAT?\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Money", + "output": "Q: Why did Kobe Bryant buy a dictionary?A: To figure out what part of \"no\" he doesn't understand. Q: Why is Kobe Bryant so confident that he'll rebound well after this scandal?A: Because he'll be the tallest player on the prison team. Q: Why is Kobe Bryant stacking money in his backyard?A: To practice jumping bail. Q: Why has Kobe Bryant started smoking a little pot?A: To help him prepare for the Big Joint. Q: Why does Kobe wear goggles during sex?A: To keep the mace out of his eyes. Q: What do Gigli and Kobe Bryant have in common?A: Both leave people in tears feeling screwed. Q: Who's the head lawyer on Kobe's legal team?A: The one with dirt on his knees. Q: Why is Kobe Bryant so worried about jury prejudice during his trial?A: Cuz no one likes a rapist. Q: How is Kobe Bryant spending his free time this summer?A: By adding a second bedroom to the dog house. Q: Why did Kobe add the letter \"O\" to his bracelet?A: So it would stand for: \"What Would O.J. Do?\". Q: Why did Kobe buy his wife such a huge diamond?A: Because the weight of it slows down her punches. Q: What did Shaq say when he heard of Kobe's marital infidelity?A: Kobe making a pass? She must be lying. Q: What did President Bush say when he heard that Sprite might drop Kobe?A: \"Who cares, I'm a coke man myself.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Farmers", + "output": "A farmer goes out one day and buys a brand new stud rooster for his chicken coop. The young rooster walks over to the old rooster and says, \"Ok, old fellow, time to retire.\"The old rooster says, \"You can't handle all these chickens . . look at what it did to me!\"The young rooster replies, \"Now, don't give me a hassle about this. Time for the old to step aside and the young to take over, so take a hike.\"The old rooster says, \"Aw, c'mon . . .just let me have the two old hens over in the corner. I won't bother you.\"The young rooster says, \"Scram! Beat it! You're washed up! I'm taking over!\"The old rooster thinks for a minute and then says to the young rooster, \"I'll tell you what, young fellow, I'll have a race around the farmhouse with you. Whoever wins the race gets domain of the chicken coop.\"The young rooster says, \"You know I'm going to beat you, old man,so just to be fair, I'm even going to give you a head start.\"They line up in back of the farm house, get a chicken to cluck \"Go!\" and the old rooster takes off running. About 15 seconds later the young rooster takes off after him. They round the front of the farm house and the young rooster is only about 5 inches behind the old rooster and gaining fast. The farmer, sitting on the porch, looks up, sees what's going on, grabs his shotgun and BOOM!......he blows the young rooster to bits.He sadly shakes his head and says, \"Damnit, third gay rooster I bought this week!\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Money", + "output": "One day, down in the mystical forest, a magical frog was hopping towards a water hole. The forest was so enormous that the frog had never laid eyes on another animal before. But today, by chance a bear was chasing after a rabbit to have for dinner. The frog called for the two to stop and said, \"Because you are the only two animals I have seen, I will grant both of you three wishes. Bear, you can go first.\" The bear thought for a moment, and being the male he was, said, \"I wish for all the bears in this forest, apart from me, to be female.\" For his wish, the rabbit asked for a crash helmet, and immediately put it on. The bear was amazed at the stupidity of the rabbit, wasting his wish like that. It was the bear's second turn for a wish. \"Well, I wish that all the bears in the next forest were female as well.\" The rabbit asked for a motorcycle and immediately hopped on it and roared the engine. The bear was shocked that the rabbit was asking for such idiotic items, because after all, he could have asked for money and bought the bike. For the last wish the bear thought for a while and then said, \"I wish that all the bears in the world, apart from me, were female.\" The rabbit grinned, roared the engine, and said, \"I wish that the bear was gay.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Bar Jokes", + "output": "A man and a woman, who have never met before, find themselves assigned to thesame sleeping room on a transcontinental train.Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, the two aretired and fall asleep quickly...he in the upper bunk and she in the lower.At 1:00 AM, he leans over and gently wakes the woman saying, \"Ma'am, I'msorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet toget me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold.\"\"I have a better idea,\" she replies. \"Just for tonight, let's pretend that we're married.\"\"Wow! That's a great idea!!\" he exclaims.\"Good,\" she replies. \"Get your own damn blanket!\"After a moment of silence, he farted." + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Sports", + "output": "Moses and Jesus were in a threesome playing golf one day. Moses pulled up to the tee and drove a long one. The ball landed in the fairway, but rolled directly toward a water hazard. Quickly Moses raised his club, the water parted and it rolled to the other side, safe and sound. Next, Jesus strolled up to the tee and hit a nice long one directly toward the same water hazard. It landed right in the centre of the pond and kind of hovered over the water. Jesus casually walked out on the pond and chipped the ball onto the green. The third guy got up and randomly whacked the ball. It headed out over the fence and into oncoming traffic on a nearby street. It bounced off a truck and hit a nearby tree. From there, it bounced onto the roof of a shack close by and rolled down into the gutter, down the drain spout, out onto the fairway and straight toward the aforementioned pond. On the way to the pond, the ball hit a stone and bounced out over the water onto a lily pad, where it rested quietly. Suddenly a very large bullfrog jumped up on a lily pad and snatched the ball into his mouth. Just then, an eagle swooped down and grabbed the frog and flew away. As they passed over the green, the frog squealed with fright and dropped the ball, which bounced right into the cup for a hole in one. Moses turned to Jesus and said, \"I hate playing with your Dad.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Sex", + "output": "A young woman, who was at her father's funeral, asked her mother, \"Mom, how did Dad die?\" Her mom replied, \"Heart attack.\" \"What was he doing?\" the daughter asked. Her mother said, \"Well, we were having sex.\" This infuriated the daughter, because they were both 80 years old. The daughter said, \"You guys are 80 years old! You should have expected something like this! You're way too old to be engaging in this sort of activity!\" The mom replied, \"Well, you see, years ago, we realized that at noon every day, the church bells rang. So, we decided to work along to that nice, slow rhythm so that your father wouldn't have a heart attack. It worked for years too. That poor guy... he'd still be alive today if that darned Ice Cream truck hadn't come along...\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Miscellaneous", + "output": "John was on his way to work. He got on his bus and sat down. After a while there is a small bump. John; \"What was that?\" Driver; \"It was a cat\" John; \"Why did you run it over?\" Driver; \"Well it was either that or swerve into the tree at the side of the road and kill us all!\" John; \"Oh, fair enough\" A little farthur down the road the bus swerves suddenly and a bigger bump shakes the bus. John; \"What was that!!?\" Driver; \"It was a dog\" John; \"Why did you run it over?\" Driver \"I couldn't help it, I tried to swerve but I hit it by accident\" John; \"That's awful but I suppose you did try to swerve\" The bus continued on its journey but later on it swerved again and there was a small bump followed by a large thud. John; \"What is it this time?\" Driver; \"I hit an old lady\" John; \"Oh my god. Is she alright? Driver; \"No she's lying in a pool of blood by the side of the road.\" John; \"I can't believe this! Why did this have to happen on my journey.\" The driver called for an ambulence and the bus set off again. When John got off the bus, he asked the driver: \"If the big bump was the old lady, what was the small one?\" The driver simply replied \"I had to go on the pavement to get her!\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Heaven and Hell", + "output": "Arthur Davidson, inventor of the Harley Davidson motorcycle corporation, died and went to heaven. At the gates, St. Peter told Arthur, \"since you've been such a good man and your motorcycles have changed the world, your reward is, you can hang out with anyone you want in heaven.\" Arthur thought about it for a minute and then said, \"I want to hang out with God.\" So Arthur asked God \" Hey, aren't you the inventor of woman?\" God said, \"ah, yes.\" \"Well,\" said Arthur, \"professional to professional, you have some major design flaws in your invention: 1. There's too much inconsistency in the front-end protrusion. 2. It chatters constantly at high speeds. 3. Most of the rear ends are too soft and wobble too much. 4. The intake is placed way to close to the exhaust. 5. The maintenance costs are outrageous.\" \"Hmmm, you may have some good points there,\" replied God, \"hold on.\" so God went to his celestial super computer, typed in a few words, and waited for the results. The computer printed out a slip of paper and God read it. \"Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed,\" God tells Arthur, \"but according to these numbers, more men are riding my invention than yours\"." + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Miscellaneous", + "output": "MacDonald was in poor health. He asked his friend MacDougal if he would pour a bottle of scotch over his grave if he should die one of these days. MacDougal said, \"Sure'n I'll be glad, laddie, but would you mind if I passed it through my kidneys first?\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Money", + "output": "Three scots and three englishmen are traveling by train to a football match. At the station, the three englishmen each buy tickets and watch as the three scots buy only a single ticket. \"How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?\" asked one of the three Englanders. \"Watch and you'll see,\" answers one of the Scotsmen. They all board the train. The Englishmen take their respective seats but all three scotsmen cram into a toilet and close the door behind them. Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the toilet door and says, \"Ticket, please.\" The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on. The English saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea. So after the conference, the Englishmen decide to copy the Scots on the return trip and save some money. When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the Scots don't buy a ticket at all. \"How are you going to travel without a ticket,\" asks one perplexed Englishman. \"Watch and you'll see,\" says one of the Scotsmen. When they board the train the three Scots cram into a toilet and the three Englishmen cram into another one nearby. The train departs. Shortly afterward, one of the Scots leaves his restroom and walks over to the restroom where the Englishmen are hiding. He knocks on the door and says, \"Ticket, please.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Police Jokes", + "output": "An Englishman and a Scotsman are driving head on , at night, on a twisty, dark road. Both are driving too fast for the conditions and collide on a sharp bend in the road. To the amazement of both, they are unscathed, though their cars are both destroyed.In celebration of their luck, both agree to put aside their dislike for the other from that moment on.At this point, the Scotsman goes to the boot and fetches a 12 year old bottle of sherry. He hands the bottle to the Englishman, whom exclaims,'' may the Scots and the English live together forever, in peace, and harmony.'' The Englishman then tips the bottle and gulps half of the bottle down. Still flabbergasted over the whole thing, he goes to hand the bottle to the Scotsman, whom replies: '' no thanks, I'll just wait till the Police get here.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Miscellaneous", + "output": "Three men are traveling in the Amazon: a Canadian, an American, and a Mexican.They get captured by a fierce tribe of Amazons.The tribe leader tells them they will be whipped for entering their territory. The tribe chief says to the Candian, \"What do you want on your back for your whipping?\"The Canadian responds, \"I will take oil!\"So they put oil on his back, and a large Amazon whips him 10 times.When he is finished the Canadian has these huge welts on his back, and he can hardly move.The Amazons haul the Canadian away, and say to the Mexican,\"What do you want on your back?\"\"I will take nothing!, I will take my punishment like a real man!\" says the Mexican, and he boldly stands there and takes his 10 lashings without a single flinch.Finally, it's the Yank's turn and the tribal chief asks:\"What will you take on your back?\"And he responds - \" I'll take the Mexican! \"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Love & Romance", + "output": "Little Johnny and Jenny are only 10 years old, but they just know that they are in love. One day they decide that they want to get married, so Johnny goes to Jenny's father to ask him for her hand. Johnny bravely walks up to him and says \"Mr. Smith, me and Jenny are in love and I want to ask you for her hand in marriage.\" Thinking that this was the cutest thing, Mr. Smith replies, \"Well Johnny, you are only 10. Where will you two live?\" Without even taking a moment to think about it, Johnny replies \"In Jenny's room. It's bigger than mine and we can both fit there nicely.\" Still thinking this is just adorable, Mr. Smith says with a huge grin, \"Okay then how will you live? You're not old enough to get a job. You'll need to support Jenny.\" Again, Johnny instantly replies, \"Our allowance.. Jenny makes 5 bucks a week and I make 10 bucks a week. That's about 60 bucks a month, and that should do us just fine.\" By this time Mr. Smith is a little shocked that Johnny has put so much thought into this. So, he thinks for a moment trying to come up with something that Johnny won't have an answer to. After a second, Mr. Smith says, \"Well Johnny, it seems like you have got everything all figured out. I just have one more question for you. What will you do if the two of you should have little ones of your own?\" Johnny just shrugs his shoulders and says \"Well, we've been lucky so far...\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Marriage", + "output": "A guy was sitting quietly reading his paper when his wife walked up behind him and whacked him on the head with a magazine. \"What was that for?\" he asked. \"That was for the piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name Mary Lou written on it,\" she replied. \"Two weeks ago when I went to the races, Mary Lou was the name of one of the horses I bet on,\" he explained. \"Oh honey, I'm sorry,\" she said. \"I should have known there was a good explanation.\" Three days later he was watching a ballgame on TV when she walked up and hit him in the head again, this time with the iron skillet, which knocked him out cold. When he came to, he asked, \"What the hell was that for?\" She replied, \"Your horse called.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Police Jokes", + "output": "A fireman is at the station house working outside on the fire truck when he notices a little girl next door. The little girl is in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the side. She is wearing a fireman's hat and has the wagon tied to a dog. The fireman says \"Hey little girl. What are you doing?\" The little girl says \"I'm pretending to be a fireman and this is my fire truck!\" The fireman walks over to take a closer look. \"Little girl that sure is a nice fire truck!\" the fireman says. \"Thanks mister\" says the little girl. The fireman looks a little closer and notices the little girl has tied the dog to the wagon by its testicles. \"Little girl\", says the fireman, \"I don't want to tell you how to run your fire truck, but if you were to tie that rope around the dog's neck I think you could go faster.\" The little girl says, \"You're probably right mister, but then I wouldn't have a siren!'" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Miscellaneous", + "output": "John was a clerk in a small drugstore but he was not much of a salesman. He could never find the item the customer wanted. Bob, the owner, had about enough and warned John that the next sale he missed would be his last. Just then a man came in coughing and he ask John for their best cough syrup. Try as he might John could not find the cough syrup. Remembering Bob's warning he sold the man a box of Ex-Lax and told him to take it all at once. The customer did as John said and then walked outside and leaned against a lamp post. Bob had seen the whole thing and came over to ask John what had transpired. \"He wanted something for his cough but I couldn't find the cough syrup. I substituted Ex-Lax and told him to take it all at once\" John explained. \"Ex-Lax won't cure a cough!\" Bob shouted angrily. \"Sure it will\" John said, pointing at the man leaning on the lamp post. \"Just look at him. He's afraid to cough!\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Bar Jokes", + "output": "This guy sits down at the bar and orders 5 shots of tequila and downs them straight. The bartender impressed asks \"Hey buddy did you have a long day?\" The man replies that he just found out that his brother was gay and leaves. The next day the same guy comes in and orders ten shots. The bartender asks if he is still dealing with his brothers sexual orientation and the man replies \"No i just found out my son is gay too.\" The bartender is appropriatly sympathetic and the man leaves. The third night the man comes in and orders 25 shots and downs them all. Stunned the bartender asks \"Damn man doesn't anyone in your family likes women?\" The man forcefully replies \"Well apparently my wife does!\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Marriage", + "output": "A young gay man calls home and tells his Jewish mother that he has decided to go back into the closet because he has met a wonderful girl, and they are going to be married. He tells his mother that he is sure she will be happier since he knows that his gay lifestyle has been very disturbing to her.She responds that she is indeed delighted and asks tentatively, \"I suppose it would be too much to hope that she would be Jewish?\"He tells her that not only is the girl Jewish but from a wealthy Beverly Hills family. She admits she is overwhelmed by the news, and asks, \"What is her name?\"He answers, \"Monica Lewinsky.\"There is a pause, then his mother asks, \"What happened to that nice black boy you were dating last year?\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Love & Romance", + "output": "One day an out of work mime is visiting the zoo and attempts to earn some money as a street performer. However, as soon as he starts to draw a crowd, the zookeeper grabs him and drags him into his office. The zookeeper explains to the mime that the zoo's most popular attraction, a gorilla, has died suddenly. The keeper fears that attendance at the zoo will fall off. He offers the mime a job to dress up as the gorilla until they can get another one. The mime accepts. The next morning, before the crowd arrives, the mime puts on the gorilla suit and enters the cage. He discovers that it's a great job. He can sleep all he wants, play and make fun of people and he draws bigger crowds than he ever did as a mime. However, eventually the crowds tire of him and he gets bored just swinging on tires. He begins to notice that the people are paying more attention to the lion in the cage next to his. Not wanting to lose the attention of his audience, he climbs to the top of his cage, crawls across a partition, and dangles from the top to the lion's cage. Of course, this makes the lion furious, but the crowd loves it. At the end of the day the zookeeper comes and gives the mime a raise for being such a good attraction as a gorilla. Well, this goes on for some time. The mime keeps taunting the lion, the crowds grow larger, and his salary keeps going up. Then one terrible day when he is dangling over the furious lion, he slips and falls. The mime is terrified. The lion gathers itself and prepares to pounce. The mime is so scared that he begins to run round and round the cage with the lion close behind. Finally, the mime starts screaming and yelling, \"Help, Help me!\", but the lion is quick and pounces. The mime soon finds himself flat on his back looking up at the angry lion and the lion says, \"Shut up you idiot! Do you want to get us both fired?\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Medical", + "output": "Two aliens landed in the Arizona desert near an abandoned gas station. They approached one of the gas pumps and one of the aliens addressed it. \"Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader.\" The gas pumps of course didn't respond. The alien repeated the greeting. Again there was no response. The alien, annoyed by what he perceived to be the gas pumps haughty attitude, drew his ray gun and said impatiently, \"Greetings earthling. We come in peace. How dare you ignore us in this way! Take us to your leader or I'll fire!\" The other alien shouted to his comrade, \"No, you don't want to make him mad!\" But before he finished his warning the first alien fired. There was a huge explosion that blew both of them 200 meters into the desert, where they landed in a heap rather abruptly. When they finally regained consciousness, the one who fired turned to the other one and said, \"What a ferocious creature. It damn near killed us! How did you know it was so dangerous?\" The other alien answered, \"If there's one thing I've learned during my travels through the galaxy, when a guy has a pecker he can wrap around himself twice and then stick it in his own ear, you don't mess with him.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Farmers", + "output": "A farmer had three very beautiful daughters. One friday they all had dates, as they do every friday. Well the very protective farmer was sitting in the living room watching television that friday when the doorbell rang. He opened the door to see a man which was clearly one of the girls dates. Well the man says \"My name's Sam and im here for Pam and we're going to go jam\". So the father okays everything and calls his daughter down. the couple leaves. Ten minutes later the doorbell rings and there is another man. He says \"My name's Freddy and im here for betty and we're going to go eat some spaghetti\". Once again the farmer okays everything and they go along on their merry way. Ten minutes later the door belll rings again and the farmer opens the door.The Farmer says you must be here for Cindy. The man at the door says \"Yes actually, my name's Chuck and were going to go-\" The farmer shot him." + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Old Age", + "output": "A guy was in a supermarket when he noticed an old lady following him around. Whenever he stopped, she stopped, and she also kept staring at him. She finally overtook him just before the checkout where she turned to him and said: \"I hope I haven't made you feel uncomfortable - it's just that you look so much like my late son.\" \"Oh, that's ok,\" he said. \"I know it's silly,\" she continued, \"but if you called out 'Goodbye, Mother' as I leave, it would make me ever so happy.\" The old lady proceeded through the checkout and as she left the supermarket, the man called out \"Goodbye Mother.\" The old lady waved back, and kindly smiled. Pleased he had brought a bit of sunshine to someone's day the man went to pay for his groceries. \"That'll be 105 dollars 35,\" said the clerk. \"How come?\" inquired the man. \"I've only bought a few things!\" \"Yeah, but your mother said you'd pay for her...\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Bar Jokes", + "output": "An American was backpacking across the highlands, when he came across a small village where he decided to spend the night.Upon entering the local pub that evening for some drinks with the locals, he found himself in a conversation with one particularly drunk and indignant individual.\"Ya see that fence out there?\" The old man asked the backpacker. \"I built that fence with me own hands. But ya think they call me MacGregor the fence builder? No!\"\"And that church out there. I hoisted the bell up to the top with me own hands. But ya think they call me MacGregor the church builder? No!\"And that bridge. I put it together stone by stone. But ya think they call me MacGregor the bridge builder? No!\"\"But ya screw one goat...\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Bar Jokes", + "output": "A nun, really needing to go to the bathroom, walked into a local Hooters. The place was hopping with music and dancing, but every once in a while the lights would turn off. Each time after the lights would go out, the place would erupt into cheers. However, when the revelers saw the nun, the room went dead silent. She walked up to the bartender, and asked, \"May I please use the restroom? The bartender replied, \"I really don't think you should..\" \"Why not?\" the nun asked. \"Well, there is a statue of a naked man in there, and his most private parts are covered only by a fig leaf.\" \"Nonsense,\" said the nun, \"I'll just look the other way.\" So, the bartender showed the nun the door at the top of the stairs, and she preceded to the restroom. After a few minutes, she came back out, and the whole place was hopping with music and dancing again. However, they did stop just long enough to give the nun a loud round of applause. She went to the bartender and said, \"Sir, I don't understand. Why did they applaud for me just because I went to the restroom?\" \"Well, now they know you're one of us,\" said the bartender, \"Would you like a drink?\" \"But, I still don't understand,\" said the puzzled nun. \"You see,\" laughed the bartender, \"every time the fig leaf on the statue is lifted up, the lights go out in the whole place. Now, how about that drink?\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Bar Jokes", + "output": "A man walks along a lonely beach. suddenly he hears a deep voice: DIG!He looks around: nobody's there. I am having hallucinations, he thinks. Then he hears the voice again: I SAID, DIG!So he starts to dig in the sand with his bare hands, and after some inches, he finds a small chest with a rusty lock. The deep voice says: OPEN !Ok, the man thinks, let's open the thing. He finds a rock with which to destroy the lock, and when the chest is finally open, he sees a lot of gold coins. The deep voice says: TO THE CASINO !Well the casino is only a few miles away, so the man takes the chest and walks to the casino. The deep voice says: ROULETTE !So he changes all the gold into a huge pile of roulette tokens and goes to one of the tables, where the players gaze at him with disbelief. The deep voice says: 27 !He takes the whole pile and drops it at the 27. The table nearly bursts. Everybody is quiet when the croupier throws the ball. The ball stops at the 26.The deep voice says: Damn." + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Love & Romance", + "output": "God called down to Adam, \"My child, I have noticed you are lonely down there, so I want you to meet someone. Come and see, I call her woman, her name is Eve...\"Adam came to see her, he then returned to speak with God, hardly able to contain his excitement,\"Oh, father, she is so beautiful, her shining blonde hair, and those gorgeous eyes! Why did you make her so beautiful?\"God answered, \"So that you would love her my son. But check out the smell of that shining blonde hair....\"Adam leaves and later returns to speak with God, \"Oh my Lord, she smells like the flowers in the garden of Eden in the sunshine just after the rain. Why did you make her smell so good God?\" he answered....and again God answered him,.\"So that you would love her my son....she will keep you company when you feel like you need a friend. Go forth and enjoy her my son, see how much fun you can have together\"Hours later, Adam returns, completely shagged out,\"Father, she has many great qualities, the sex was great,she can please me greatly physically, I enjoyed that immensely, but Father, why is she so dumb?\" to which God replied, \"So that she would love you my son\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Marriage", + "output": "70-year-old George went for his annual physical. All of his tests came back with normal results. Dr. Smith said, \"George, everything looks great physically. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with yourself, and do you have a good relationship with your God?\" George replied, \"God and me are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so he's fixed it so that when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom (poof!) the light goes on when I pee, and then (poof!)the light goes off when I'm done.\" \"Wow,\" commented Dr. Smith, \"that's incredible!\" A little later in the day Dr. Smith called George's wife. \"Thelma,\" he said,\" George is just fine. Physically he's great. But I had to call because I'm in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night and (poof!) the light goes on in the bathroom, and then (poof!) the light goes off?\" Thelma exclaimed, \"That old fool! He's peeing in the refrigerator again!\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Miscellaneous", + "output": "The GEOGRAPHY OF A WOMAN Between 18 and 20 a woman is like Africa, half discovered, half wild, naturally beautiful with fertile deltas. Between 21 and 30 a woman is like America, well developed and open to trade especially for someone with cash. Between 31 and 35 she is like India, very hot, relaxed and convinced of her own beauty. Between 36 and 40 a woman is like Italy. Gently aging but still a warm and desirable place to visit. Between 41 and 50 she is like Yugoslavia, lost the war - haunted by past mistakes. Massive reconstruction is now necessary. Between 51 and 60, she is like Russia, very wide and borders are unpatrolled. The frigid climate keeps people away. Between 61 and 70, a woman is like Mongolia, with a glorious and all conquering past but alas, no future. After 70, they become like Afghanistan. Most everyone knows where it is, but no one wants to go there. THE GEOGRAPHY OF A MAN Between 13 and 80 a man is like the US - ruled by a dick." + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Medical", + "output": "A man goes to the doctor and says, \"Doc, I would like to live very long. What should I do?\"\"I think that is a wise decision,\" the doctor replies. \"Let's see, do you smoke?\"\"Oh.. Half a pack a day.\"\"Starting NOW, no more smoking.\" The man agrees.The doctor then asks, \"Do you drink?\"\"Oh, well Doc, not much, just a bit of wine with my meals, and a beer or two every once in a while.\"\"Starting now, you drink only water. No exceptions.\"The man is a bit upset, but also agrees.The doctor asks, \"How do you eat?\"\"Oh, well, you know, Doc, normal stuff.\"\"Starting now you are going on a very strict diet. You are going to eat only raw vegetables, with no dressing, and non-fat cottage cheese.\"The man is now really worried. \"Doc, is all this really necessary?\"\"Do you want to live long?\"\"Yes.\"\"Well then, it's absolutely necessary. And don't even think of breaking the diet.\" The man is quite restless, but the doctor continues, \"Do you have sex?\"\"Yeah, once a week or so..., only with my wife!\" he adds hurriedly.\"As soon as you get out of here you are going to buy twin beds. No more sex for you. None.\"The man is appalled. \"Doc... Are you sure I'm going to live longer this way?\"\"I have no idea, but whatever you live, I assure you is going to seem like an eternity!\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Bar Jokes", + "output": "There was this guy at a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half of an hour.Then, this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down. The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says, \"Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand to see a man cry.\"\"No, it's not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I go late to my office. My boss, outrageous, fires me. When I leave the building, to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police said that they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home, and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away.\"\"I go home, and when I get there, I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave home, and come to this bar. And just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Marriage", + "output": "A married couple is sleeping when the phone rings at 3 a.m. The wife picks up the phone and, after a few seconds, replies,\"How am I supposed to know? We're 200 miles inland!\"and hangs up. Her husband rolls over and asks,\"Sweetheart, who was that?\" \"I don't know,some idiot asking if the coast is clear.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Aviation", + "output": "There was a guy walking down the street in San Fransisco, and he tripped over an old looking oil lamp. He picked it up and hid it under his jacket, because he thought it was priceless. While he was running to the antique shop to cash this puppy in, it rubbed against his shirt. *POOF* A genie popped out of his pocket!!! \tThe very angry looking Genie said, ''Alright, I have had enough with this three wish stuff, and 'cuz you stole me away from my HBO Special, I will only give you one wish!'' \tThe suprised man said, ''OK, I want to live in Hawaii in a huge condo on the beach with three million dollars in the master bedroom, but I am afraid of boats and planes so I want you to build a bridge from here to Hawaii.'' \tThe genie replied with a smirk, ''Are you crazy? Do you know how long that will take, with the pillars going down to the bottom of the ocean, all the cement it would take for the highway? No I'm sorry, it just can't happen.'' \tThe man said, ''Fine then, I want to understand women.'' \tThe genie said, '' Would you like two lanes or four?''" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Bar Jokes", + "output": "One night a police officer was staking out a particularly rowdy bar for possible DUI violations. At closing time, he saw a fellow stumble out of the bar, trip on the curb and try his keys on five different cars before he found his. The man sat in the front seat fumbling around with his keys for several minutes.Meanwhile, all the other patrons left the bar and drove off. Finally he started his engine and began to pull away. The police officer was waiting for him. As soon as he pulled onto the street, the officer stopped him, read him his rights and administered the breathalyzer test to determine his blood-alcohol content.The results showed a reading of 0.0.The puzzled officer demanded to know how that could be. The driver replied, \"Tonight I'm the designated decoy.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Heaven and Hell", + "output": "Three men were lost in the forest and later captured by cannibals. The cannibal king told the prisoners that they could live if they passed a trial. The first step of the trial was to go to the forest with the cannibals and get 10 pieces of fruit. So all three men went separate ways to gather some. The first man came back and said to the king, \"I brought ten apples.\" The king then explained the second step of the trial to him. First, he had to shove the fruits up his butt without any expression on his face, or he would be eaten. The first apple went in, but when he tried the second one he winced out in pain, so he was killed and went to heaven. The second man arrived and showed the king that his ten fruits were berries. When the king explained the trial to the second man, he secretly thought to it would be easy to shove the berries up his butt. On the ninth berry, he burst out in laughter, so he was also was killed and went to heaven. The first guy and the second guy met in heaven. The first one asked, \"Why did you laugh? You almost got away with it!\" The second one replied, \"I know, but I couldn't help it. I was doin' just great when all of a sudden the third guy showed up with all those watermelons!\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Money", + "output": "The World's Shortest Books--------------------------- \"My Plan To Find The Real Killers\" by O.J. Simpson - The Difference between Reality and Dilbert - Human Rights Advances in China - \"Things I Wouldn't Do for Money\" by Dennis Rodman - Al Gore: The Wild Years - Amelia Earhart's Guide to the Pacific Ocean - America's Most Popular Lawyers - Career Opportunities for Liberal Arts Majors - Detroit - A Travel Guide - Different Ways to Spell \"Bob\" - Dr. Kevorkian's Collection of Motivational Speeches - Easy UNIX - Ethiopian Tips on World Dominance - Everything Men Know About Women - Everything Women Know About Men - French Hospitality - \"The Book of Virtues\" by Bill Clinton - George Foreman's Big Book of Baby Names - \"How to Sustain a Musical Career\" by Art Garfunkel - Mike Tyson's Guide to Dating Etiquette - \"One Hundred and One Spotted Owl Recipes\" by the EPA - Staple Your Way to Success The Amish Phone Directory - The Engineer's Guide to Fashion" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Bar Jokes", + "output": "A wee guy was sitting at a bar staring at his drink for ages. Suddenly, a big biker came along, snatched his glass, guzzled down the contents and laughed, \"Hah! So what you gonna do about that, little man?\" \"Nothing,\" sighed the little guy despondently. \"You see, today has been the worst day of my life. This morning I overslept and was late for an important meeting. My boss was furious and so he sacked me. I cleared my desk, went to my car, only to discover that it wasn't there - somebody had stolen it. So I got a taxi home, but when it came to paying the driver I realised I'd forgotten my wallet. I then went into my house and I found my wife in bed with the gardener. So I left home and came to this bar. And just when I was thinking about ending it all, you came along and drank my poison...\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Aviation", + "output": "After my plane landed I proceeded to the airport baggage area. To my dismay there was no sign of my bags. I went to the lost luggage office and told the woman there that my bags never showed up. \"Not to worry,\" she smiled as she took a description of my bags. \" Your luggage is in good hands. We're trained professionals.\" \"Now,\" she asked, \"has your plane arrived yet?\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Family, Parents", + "output": "One day, at a New York Restaurant, a man suddenly called out, \"My son's choking! He swallowed a quarter! Help! Please, anyone! Help!\"A man from a nearby table stood up and announced that he was quite experienced at this sort of thing. He stepped over with almost no look of concern at all, wrapped his hands around the boy's gonads, and squeezed. Out popped the quarter. The man then went back to his table as though nothing had happened.\"Thank you! Thank you!\" the father cried. \"Are you a paramedic?\"\"No,\" replied the man. \"I work for the IRS.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Heaven and Hell", + "output": "The phone rings at FBI headquarters. \"Hello?\" \"Hello, is this FBI?\" \"Yes. What do you want?\" \"I'm calling to report my neighbor Tom. He is hiding marijuana in his firewood.\" \"This will be noted.\" Next day, the FBI comes over to Tom's house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept, break every piece of wood, find no marijuana, swear at Tom and leave. The phone rings at Tom's house. \"Hey, Tom! Did the FBI come?\" \"Yeah!\" \"Did they chop your firewood?\" \"Yeah they did.\" \"Okay, now it's your turn to call. I need my garden plowed.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Medical", + "output": "While attending a convention, three psychiatrists take a walk. \"People are always coming to us with their guilt and fears,\" one says, \"but we have no one to go to with our own problems.\" \"Since we're all professionals,\" another suggests, \"why don't we hear each other out right now?\"They agreed this is a good idea. The first psychiatrist confesses, \"I'm a compulsive shopper and deeply in debt, so I usually overbill my patients as often as I can.\" The second admits, \"I have a drug problem that's out of control, and I frequently pressure my patients into buying illegal drugs for me.\" The third psychiatrist says, \"I know it's wrong, but no matter how hard I try, I just can't keep a secret.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Sports", + "output": "A blonde wanted to go ice fishing. She'd seenmany books on the subject, and finally, aftergetting all the necessary \"tools\" together, she made for the nearest frozen body of water.After positioning her comfy footstool, she started to make a circular cut in the ice. Suddenly, from the sky, a voice boomed, \"THEREARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!\" Startled, the blonde moved further down the ice,poured a Thermos of cappuccino. And began to cutyet another hole. Again, from the heavens, the voice bellowed, \"THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!\" The Blonde, now quite worried, moved way down tothe opposite end of the ice, set up her stool, and tried again to cut her hole. The voice came once more. \"THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!\" She stopped, looked skyward,and said, \"Is that you, Lord?\" The voice replied, \"No...this is the manager of the hockey rink...\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Miscellaneous", + "output": "A passenger in a taxi leaned over to ask the driver a question and tapped him on the shoulder. The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb, and stopped just inches from a large plate glass window. For a few moments everything was silent in the cab, and then the stillshaking driver said, \"I'm sorry but you scared the daylights out of me.\" The frightened passenger, apologized to the driver, and said he didn'trealize a mere tap on the shoulder could frighten him so much. The driver replied, \"No, no, I'm sorry, it's entirely my fault. Today is my first day driving a cab.... I've been driving a hearse for the last 25 years.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Religious", + "output": "Two foreign nuns have just arrived in the USA by boat and one says to the other, \"I hear that the people of this country actually eat dogs.\" \"Odd,\" her companion replies, \"but if we shall live in America, we might as well do as the Americans do.\" Nodding emphatically, the Mother Superior points to a hot dog vendor and they both walk towards the cart. \"Two dogs, please,\" she says. The vendor is only too pleased to oblige and he wraps both hot dogs in foil and hands them over the counter. Excited, the nuns hurry over to a bench and begin to unwrap their \"dogs.\" The Mother Superior is first to open hers. She begins to blush and then, staring at it for a moment, leans over to the other nun and whispers cautiously, \"What part did you get?\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Sex", + "output": "Bob was excited about his new rifle and decided to try bear hunting. He traveled up to Alaska, spotted a small brown bear and shot it. Soon after there was a tap on his shoulder, and he turned around to see a big black bear. The black bear said, \"That was a very bad mistake. That was my cousin. I'm going to give you two choices. Either I maul you to death or we have sex.\" After considering briefly, Bob decided to accept the latter alternative. So the black bear had his way with Bob. Even though he felt sore for two weeks, Bob soon recovered and vowed revenge. He headed out on another trip to Alaska where he found the black bear and shot it dead. Right after, there was another tap on his shoulder. This time a huge grizzly bear stood right next to him. The grizzly said, \"That was a big mistake, Bob. That was my cousin and you've got two choices: Either I maul you to death or I have sex with you.\" Again, Bob thought it was better to cooperate with the grizzly bear than be mauled to death. So the grizzly had his way with Bob. Although he survived, it took several months before Bob fully recovered. Now Bob was completely outraged, so he headed back to Alaska and managed to track down the grizzly bear and shoot it. He felt sweet revenge, but then, moments later, there was a tap on his shoulder. He turned around to find a giant polar bear standing there. The polar bear looked at him and said, \"Admit it Bob, you don't come here for the hunting, do you?\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Heaven and Hell", + "output": "Jeff and Mike were killed in an accident and as Jeff arrives at the Pearly Gates, he is met by St. Peter. \"Where's my friend Mike?\"...Jeff asks the old Saint. St. Peter replies...\"Mike wasn't as fortunate as you, instead of Heaven, he went in the other direction.\" Jeff was deeply concerned by this and asks... \"well could I see Mike just one more time?\" St. Peter agreed to this, so they walked over to the edge of Heaven and looked down. Jeff notices Mike with a sexy blonde on one side of him and a keg of beer on the other. \"I really don't mean to complain\"...Jeff says... \"but Mike seems to have it pretty nice down in Hell.\" \"Look a little closer\"...says St. Peter...\"for that keg has a hole in it, the blonde doesn't.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Aviation", + "output": "A young man joined the army and signed up with the paratroopers. He went though the standard training, completed the practice jumps from higher and higher structures, and finally went to take his first jump from an aeroplane. The next day, he phoned his father to tell him the news.\"So, did you jump?\" the father asked.\"Well, let me tell you what happened. We got up in the 'plane, and the Sergeant opened up the door and asked for volunteers. About a dozen men got up and just walked out of the 'plane!\"\"Is that when you jumped?\" asked the father.\"Um, not yet. Then the Sergeant started to grab the other men one at a time and throw them out the door.\"\"Did you jump then?\" asked the father.\"I'm getting to that. Everyone else had jumped, and I was the last man left on the 'plane. I told the Sergeant that I was too scared to jump. He told be to get off the 'plane or he'd kick my arse.\"\"So, did you jump?\"\"Not then. He tried to push me out of the 'plane, but I grabbed onto the door and refused to go. Finally he called over the Jump Master. The Jump Master is this great big guy, about six-foot five, and 17 stone. He said to me, 'Boy, are you going to jump or not?' I said, 'No, Sir. I'm too scared.' So the Jump Master pulled down his zip and exposed himself. He said, Boy, either you jump out of that door, or you and i are going to have some wild time\". \"So, did you jump?\" asked the father. \"Well, a little, at first.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Bar Jokes", + "output": "A red-faced judge convened court after a long lunch. The first case involved a man charged with drunk driving who claimed it simply wasn't true. \"I'm as sober as you are, your honor,\" the man claimed. The judge replied, \"Clerk, please enter a guilty plea. The defendant is sentenced to 30 days.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Office Jokes", + "output": "A secretary for a foreign embassy was entertaining a wealthy foreign ambassador during lunch at a very expensive restaurant in uptown New York. The ambassador was so enthralled by the beauty and presence of this secretary that he asked her to marry him. The secretary was startled, but remembered that her boss told her never to insult foreign dignitaries, so she decided to let him down easy. \"I'll only marry you under three conditions.\" \"Anything, anything,\" said the ambassador. \"First, you must buy me a 14-karat gold wedding band with a 72 carat diamond, along with a 28 inch studded matching necklace for our engagement.\" Without hesitation, the ambassador picked up his cellular phone, called his personal accountant, told him the instructions, and said, \"Yes, yes, I buy, I buy!\" The secretary thought that her first request was too easy, so she thought of a more difficult situation. \"Second, I want you to build me a 58-acre mansion in the richest part of the Poconos along with a 40 acre summer home in the sweetest vineyards of France.\" The ambassador picked up his phone, called his personal broker in New York, then called another broker in France, and after his quick conversation, he said, \"Yes, yes, I build, I build!\" The secretary was very startled, and knew she must think of a final request that would be impossible to live up to. \"Finally,\" she said. \"I'll only marry you if you have a 10 inch member.\" A sad face befell the ambassador, and he cupped his face in his hands. After weeping in his native language for a few minutes, the ambassador slowly lifted his head and said, \"Ok, ok, I''' cut half of it off!\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Miscellaneous", + "output": "Two old ladies were outside their nursing home having a smoke, when it started to rain. One of the ladies pulled out a condom, cut off the end, put it over her cigarette, and continued smoking.Lady 1: What's that?Lady 2: A condom.Lady 1: Where'd you get it?Lady 2: You can get them at any drugstore.The next day, the first lady hobbled into the local drugstore and announced to the pharmacist that she wanted to buy a package of condoms.The guy looked at her kind of strangely (she was, after all, in her 80s), but politely asked what brand she preferred.\"Doesn't matter,\" she replied, \"as long as it fits a Camel.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Bar Jokes", + "output": "A couple is in bed sleeping when there's a rat-a-tat-tat on the door.The husband rolls over and looks at the clock, and it's half past 3 in the morning.” I’m not getting out of bed at this time,\" he thinks, and rolls over. Then, a louder knock follows. So he drags himself out of bed, goes downstairs, opens the door, and there's a man standing there. It didn't take the homeowner long to realize the man was drunk.\"Hi there,\" slurs the stranger, \"Can you give me a push?\" \"No, get lost. It's half past three and I was in bed,\" says the man as he slams the door. He goes back up to bed and tell his wife what happened and she says, \"That wasn't very nice of you. Remember that night we broke down in the pouring rain on the way to pick the kids up from the baby-sitter and you had to knock on that man's house to get us started again? What would have happened if he'd told us to get lost?\"\"But the guy was drunk,\" says the husband.\"It doesn't matter,\" says the wife.” He needs our help and it would be the Christian thing to help him.\" So the husband gets out of bed again, gets dressed, and goes downstairs.He opens the door, and not being able to see the stranger anywhere, He shouts, \"Hey, do you still want a push?\"And he hears a voice cry out, \"Yeah, please.\"So, still being unable to see the stranger he shouts, \"Where are you?\" The drunk replies, \"Over here, on the swing.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Crazy Jokes", + "output": "This guy walks into a bar down in Alabama and orderes a mudslide. The bartender looks at the man and says \"You're not from round here are ya?\" \"No\" replied the man, \"I'm from Pensylvania.\" The bartender looks at him and syas \"Well what do you do in Pensylvania?\" \"I'm a taxidermist.\" said the man. The bartender, looking very bewildered, now asked \"What in the world is a tax-e-derm-ist?\" The man looked at the bar tender and said \"Well, I mount dead animals.\" The bartender stands back and hollers to the whole bar which is staring at him \"It's okay, boys! He's one of us!\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Ethnic Jokes", + "output": "A guy goes into a store and says to the clerk, \"I\"d like some Polish Sausage.\" The clerk looks at him and says \"Are you Polish?\" The guy says \"Well, yes I am. If I had asked for Italian sausage would you ask me if I was Italian, or if I had asked for German sausage, would you ask me if I was German?? If I had asked for a taco would you ask if I was Mexican?\" The clerk says \"Well, no.\" The guy says \"Then, why do you ask me if I'm Polish just because I ask for Polish sausage??\" The clerk says \"Because this is a hardware store.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Money", + "output": "What to do when your dinner is interrupted:- Ask them if they've got beer- Start speaking in tongues- Tell them that person doesn't live there anymore. Give them the number of an adult service and tell them that it is her/his new number- Tell them that you're not there right now- Ask them if they accept coupons- Start selling them something else- If someone calls soliciting donations, tell them you're poor and ask for money instead- Start preaching your religion to them- Pretend you're a recording and say \"The number you have reached is not in service. Please check the number and dial again, or talk to your operator for assistance. Recording A4.\" Extra points for imitating the 3 rising tones at the beginning.- Try to hypnotise the telemarketer- Play a recording of a busy signal- Put on some really annoying music and put the phone up to the stereo.- Ask the telemarketer if he/she is single. Then try hitting on him/her. Be sure to mention your various medical problems, your fascination with odd smells and your shrine to the Lawrence Welk Show.- Use one of those voice changers to disguise your voice- Rap all your replies to the telemarketer's questions, especially if you're white.- Ask the TM if he/she minds if you talk to him/her on the toilet. Then take a plastic Heinz ketchup bottle and squeeze out ketchup repeatedly (if you're ever used this kind of ketchup you'll know what kind of sound this makes!!!!!)- Speak in ragga chant- Try to rhyme with everything the telemarketer says- Tell the TM that the person he/she is trying to reach is a victim of black magic and has been turned into a poodle.- Tell the TM that the person s/he is trying to reach has passed on, and that you're the ghost of him/her.- Sell them on the \"value of high colonics\". Explain your \"dedication to good health\" in your most convincing, passionate voice." + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Money", + "output": "An armless man walked into a bar which is empty except for the bartender. He ordered a drink and when he was served, asked the bartender if he would get the money from his wallet in his pocket, since he has no arms. The bartender obliged him. He then asked if the bartender would tip the glass to his lips. The bartender did this until the man finished his drink. He then asked if the bartender would get a hanky from his pocket and wipe the foam from his lips. The bartender did it and commented it must be very difficult not to have arms and have to ask someone to do nearly everything for him. The man said, \"Yes, it is a bit embarrassing at times. By the way, where is your restroom?\" The bartender quickly replied, \"The closest one is in the gas station three blocks down the street.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Heaven and Hell", + "output": "\"Hello, and welcome to the mental health hotline. If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly. If you are codependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you. If you have multiple personalities, press 3,4,5, and 6. If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call. If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will transferred to the mother ship. If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press. If you are manic depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press, no one will answer. If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the hash key until someone comes on the line. If you are dyslexic, press 6969696969. If you have amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address, phone number, date of birth, social security number, and your mother's maiden name. If you have post-traumatic-stress disorder, slowly and carefully press 000. If you have bipolar disorder, please leave a message after the beep, or before the beep, or after the beep. Please wait for the beep. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short term memory loss, press 9. If you have short term memory loss, press 9. If you have short term memory loss, press 9. If you have low self esteem, please hang up. All our operators are too busy to talk to you.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Love & Romance", + "output": "Here are some comback answers:------------------------------You haven't asked yet. I was hoping to do something meaningful with my life. Because I just love hearing this question. Just lucky, I guess. It gives my mother something to live for. My fiancée is awaiting his/her parole. I'm still hoping for a shot at Miss/Mr. America. Do you know how hard it is to get two tickets to Miss Saigon? I'm waiting until I get to be your age. It didn't seem worth a blood test. I already have enough laundry to do, thank you. Because I think it would take all the spontaneity out of dating. My co-op board doesn't allow spouses. I'd have to forfeit my billion dollar trust fund. They just opened a great singles bar on my block. I wouldn't want my parents to drop dead from sheer happiness. I guess it just goes to prove that you can't trust those voodoo doll rituals. What? And lose all the money I've invested in running personal ads? I don't want to have to support another person on my paycheck. Why aren't you thin? I'm married to my career, although recently we have been considering a trial separation. Bonus reply for Single Mothers: Because having a husband and a child would be redundant" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Police Jokes", + "output": "A turtle was walking down an alley in New York when he was mugged by a gang of snails. A police detective came to investigate and asked the turtle if he could explain what happened. The turtle looked at the detective with a confused look on his face and replied \"I don't know, it all happened so fast.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Miscellaneous", + "output": "A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: “That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen. Ugh!” The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: “The driver just insulted me!” The man says: “You go right up there and tell him off – go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you.”" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Military", + "output": "A large group of Taliban soldiers are moving down a road when they hear a voice call from behind a sand dune.... \"One US soldier is better than ten Taliban\" The Taliban commander quickly sends 10 of his best soldiers over the dune, whereupon a gun-battle breaks out and continues for a few minutes then ssilence. The voice then call out..... \"One US soldier is better than one hundred Taliban\" Furious, the Taliban commander sends his next best 100 troops over the dune, and instantly a huge gunfight commences. After 10 minutes of battle, again silence. The voice calls out again.... \"One US soldier is better than one thousand Taliban\". The enraged Taliban commander musters one thousand fighters and sends them across the dune. Cannons, rockets and machine gun fire ring out as a huge battle is fought. Then silence. Eventually one wounded Taliban fighter crawls back over the dune and with his dying words tells his commander..... \"Don't send any more men....it's a trap....there's two of them!\"..." + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Love & Romance", + "output": "Dear Dad,$chool i$ really great. I've made lot$ of friend$ and am $tudying hard. With all my $tuff i $imply can't think of anything i need, $o if you would like you can ju$t $end me a card, a$ I would love to hear from you.Love, your $on.Reply from Dad..Dear Son,I kNOw that astroNOmy, ecoNOmics and oceaNOgraphy are eNOugh to keep even an hoNOr student busy. Do NOt forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge is a NOble task, and you can never study hard eNOughLove, Dad." + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "School", + "output": "Two college seniors had a week of exams coming up. They decided to party instead. Their biggest exam was on Wednesday, and they showed up telling the professor that their car had broken down the night before due to a very flat tire and they needed a bit more time to study.The professor told them that they could have another day to study. That evening, both of the boys crammed all night until they were sure that they knew just about everything.Arriving to class the next morning, each boy was told to go to two separate classrooms to take the exam. Eachboy just shrugged and went to the two different parts of the building.As each sat down, they read the first question.\"For 5 points, explain the contents of an atom.\"At this point, they both thought that this was going to be a piece of cake, and answered the question with ease.Then, the test continued.\"For 95 points, tell me which tire it was\"..." + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Religious", + "output": "John Smith was the only Protestant to move into a large Catholic neighborhood. On the first Friday of Lent, John was outside grilling a big juicy steak on his grill. Meanwhile, all of his neighbors were eating cold tuna fish for supper. This went on each Friday of Lent. On the last Friday of Lent, the neighborhood men got together and decided that something had to be done about John, he was tempting them to eat meat each Friday of Lent, and they couldn't take it anymore. They decided to try and convert John to Catholicism. They went over and talked to him and were so happy that he decided to join all of his neighbors and become a Catholic. They took him to Church, and the Priest sprinkled some water over him, and said, \"You were born a Baptist, you were raised a Baptist, and now you are a Catholic.\" The men were so relieved, now their biggest Lenten temptation was resolved. The next year's Lenten season rolled around. The first Friday of Lent came, and just at supper time, when the neighborhood was setting down to their tuna fish dinner, came the wafting smell of steak cooking on a grill. The neighborhood men could not believe their noses! WHAT WAS GOING ON? They called each other up and decided to meet over in John's yard to see if he had forgotten it was the first Friday of Lent? The group arrived just in time to see John standing over his grill with a small pitcher of water. He was sprinkling some water over his steak on the grill, saying, \"You were born a cow, you were raised a cow, and now you are a fish.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Family, Parents", + "output": "A curious eleven year old boy asked his mother, \"is God male or female?\" She hesitates for a brief moment, and responds, \"God is both male and female.\" Still curious, he asked...\"is God black or white?\" She responds along the same line...\"God's both black and white.\" Finally, the boy asks...\"is God gay or straight?\" His mother, now concerned, answered...\"honey, God's both gay and straight, why do you ask?\" The confused boy hesitates, then asks..\"mom isGod and Michael Jackson the same person?\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Bar Jokes", + "output": "Three men are sitting at a bar - a Texan, a Californian, and a Coloradoan. The Texan orders a bottle of tequila. When he gets it, he takes one sip, throws it up into the air and *BAM* he shoots it with his .22. Everyone drops to the floor. The bartender recovers first.\"What did you do that for?!\" he shouts, \"That was good tequila!\"The Texan replies, \"Where I come from, we have plenty of tequila and we can throw it away like that.\"The Californian, not to be out done, orders a bottle of fine wine. When he gets it, he takes one sip, throws it up into the air, and *BAM* he shoots it with his semiautomatic. Everyone drops to the floor. The bartender recovers first.\"What did you do that for?!? That was good wine!\" he hollers.The Californian replies, \"Where I come from, we have plenty of wine, and we can throw it away like that.\"The Coloradoan, who has watched all this with interest, orders a Coors. He opens the bottle and takes a sip. Then he takes another sip. And another. Soon he's finished the whole bottle. He's throws it up into the air and pulls out his handgun. Very carefully, he aims, fires, and *BAM* he shoots the Texan. *BAM* he shoots the Californian. Everyone drops to the floor. The bartender is now shaking with rage. \"What the **** did you do that for!?!\" he roars. \"Well,\" answers the Coloradoan, \"where I come from, we have PLENTY of Texans and Californians.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Money", + "output": "A very rich man had his pool filled with pirahnas. Later on that day he threw a party, and invited anyone who wanted to attend. He said he'll give any man $10,000 if he dares to swim from one end to the other. No one took the offer. \"Ok, i'll give any man $10,000 and a brand new car\". Still no one took the offer. \"I will give any man $10,000, a brand new car and any lady of their choice at this party\". At the end of the pool, a man jumps in and swims fast across to the other end. The rich man shakes the man's hand and asks, \"do you want the money?\" \"No\" \"Do you want the car?\" \"No\" \"Then you want the lady of your choice?\" \"No\" \"Then what is it that you want???\" I want the little b**ch that pushed me in!\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "State Jokes", + "output": "A man walked into the produce section of his local supermarket, and asked to buy half a head of lettuce. The boy working in that department told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce. The man was insistent that the boy ask his manager about the matter. Walking into the back room, the boy said to the manager, \"Some idiot wants to buy half a head of lettuce.\" As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the man standing right behind him, so he added, \"And this gentleman kindly offered to buy the other half.\" The manager approved the deal, and the man went on his way. Later the manager said to the boy, \"I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier. We like people who think on their feet here.\" \"Where are you from, son?\" \"Texas, sir,\" the boy replied. \"Well, why did you leave Texas?\" the manager asked. The boy said, \"Sir, there's nothing but prostitutes and football players down there.\" \"Really?\" said the manager. \"My wife is from Texas.\" \"No kidding??\" replied the boy. \"Who'd she play for?\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Marriage", + "output": "John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, \"Here's to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me wife!\"That won him the top prize for the best toast of the night!He went home and told his wife, Mary, \"I won the prize for the best toast of the night.\"She said, \"Aye, what was your toast?\"John said, \"Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in Church beside me wife.\"\"Oh that is very nice indeed, John!\" Mary said.The next day, Mary ran into one of John's toasting buddies on the street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, \"John won the prize, the other night, with a toast about you, Mary.\"She said, \"Aye and I was a bit surprised me self! You know,he's only been there twice! Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Religious", + "output": "There where three nuns who never did anything wrong. One day the high priest came to them and told them that in order to become better nuns they had to do something bad and then drink from the holy water. So the three nuns went out that same day and did something wrong. The first nun came and the high priest asked her what she did wrong. \" I took a lollipop from a little kid.\" So he let her drink from the holy water. Then the second one came back and the high priest asked her what she did wrong, she said \" I took a balloon from a little kid.\" So he let her drink from the holy water. Then came the third. \"What did you do wrong?\" asked the high priest. \" Well\", she said,\" I peed in the holy water.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Miscellaneous", + "output": "A man has spent many days crossing the desert without water. His camel dies of thirst. He's crawling through the sands, certain that he has breathed his last, when all of a sudden he sees an object sticking out of the sand several yards ahead of him. He crawls to the object, pulls it out of the sand, and discovers what looks to be an old brief case. He opens it and out pops a genie. But this is no ordinary genie. He is wearing an IRS ID badge and dull gray suit. There's a calculator in his pocket. He has a pencil tucked behind one ear. \"Well, kid,\" says the genie. \"You know how it works. You have three wishes.\" \"I'm not falling for this.\" Says the man. \"I'm not going to trust an IRS auditor.\" \"What do you have to lose? You've got no transportation, and it looks like you're a goner anyway!\" The man thinks about this for a minute, and decides that the genie is right. \"O K, I wish I were in a lush oasis with plentiful food and drink.\" ***POOF*** The man finds himself in the most beautiful oasis he has ever seen. And he is surrounded with jugs of wine and platters of delicacies. \"OK, kid, what's your second wish.\" \"My second wish is that I were rich beyond my wildest dreams.\" ***POOF*** The man finds himself surrounded by treasure chests filled with rare gold coins and precious gems. \"OK, kid, you have just one more wish. Better make it a good one!\" After thinking for a few minutes, the man says \"I wish that no matter where I go beautiful women will want and need me.\" ***POOF*** He is turned into a tampon. The moral of the story... If the government offers you anything, there's going to be a string attached." + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Sex", + "output": "Two old pensioners are taking a trip down memory lane by going back to the place where they first met. Sitting at a café, the little old man says, \"Remember the first time I met you over 50 years ago? We left this cafe, went round the corner behind the gas works, and I gave you one from behind.\" \"Why, yes, I remember it well, dear,\" replies the little old lady with a grin. \"Well, for old time's sake, let's go there again. and I'll give you one from behind.\" The two pensioners pay their bill and leave the cafe. A young man sitting next to them has overheard the conversation and smiles to himself, thinking it would be quite amusing to see two old pensioners at it. He gets up and follows them. Sure enough, he sees the two pensioners near the gas works. The little old lady pulls off her knickers and lifts up her dress. The old man pulls down his pants and grabs the lady's hips, and the little old lady reaches for the fence. Well, what follows is 40 minutes of the most athletic sex the man has ever seen. The little old man is banging away at the little old woman at a pace that can only be described as phenomenal. Limbs are flying everywhere, the movement is a blur, and they do not stop for a single second. Finally, they collapse and don't move for an hour. Well, the man is stunned. Never in his life has he ever seen anything that equates to this -- not in the movies, not from his friends, not from his own experiences. Reflecting on what he has just seen, he says to himself, \"I have to know his secret. If only I could shag like that now, let alone in 50 years' time!\" The two old pensioners have by this time recovered and dressed themselves. Plucking up courage, the man approaches the pensioner. He says, \"Sir, in all my life I have never seen anybody shag like that, particularly at your age. What's your secret? Could you shag like that 50 years ago?\" The pensioner replies, \"Son, 50 years ago, that goddamn fence wasn't electrified.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Marriage", + "output": "A couple was invited to a swanky masked Halloween Party. The wife got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone. He, being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed, and there was no need of his good time being spoiled by not going. So he took his costume and away he went. The wife, after sleeping soundly for one hour, awakened without pain. As it was still early, she decided to go to the party. Since her husband did not know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun watching him to see how he acted when she was not with him. She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice woman he could, copping a little feel here and a little kiss there. His wife sidled up to him. As a rather seductive babe herself, he left his partner high and dry and devoted his time to the new stuff that had just arrived. She let him go as far as he wished; naturally, since he was her husband. Finally he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had sex. Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away, went home, put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make for his behavior. She was sitting up reading when he came in and she asked how the party was. He said, \"Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there.\" Then she asked, \"Did you dance much?\" He replied, \"I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the den and played poker all evening. But I'll tell you... the guy I loaned my costume to sure had a really good time!\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Bar Jokes", + "output": "A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar. After an hour of gathering up his courage, he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, \"Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?\"She responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, \"NO! I won't sleep with you tonight!\" Everyone in the bar is now staring at them. Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table.After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says, \"I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology, and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations.\"To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, \"What do you mean $200?!\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Idiots", + "output": "Britney Spears had just bought her new car and decided to go shopping with her friend and rival, Christina Aguilera. A few hours later she came out and realizes she had locked her keys in the car, so they spent a few hours pacing around the car trying to figure out what to do. Finally, Britney looked off into the distance and saw storm cloud. She turned to her friend and said,\" Quick, think of something because a storm is coming and I left the top open!\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Military", + "output": "An officer is sent to a new base and he meets with one of the soldiers. He says \"everything is alright around here but what's up with the camel?\". The soldier replies \"well the soldiers are lonely and sometimes they get uh...urges\". The Officer is disgusted but thinking it over he replies \"I guess it makes sense, keep it\".A couple of weeks later the officer calls in the soldier and says \"I'm getting restless, send in the camel\". The soldier comes into his tent with the camel and leaves. After the Officer is done with his business and zips up, the soldier walks in and asks \"what were you just doing?\", and the officer replies \"well isn't this how you 'ride' one of these?\". The soldier says \"Well, usually me and the guys ride the camel into town and get some chicks.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Police Jokes", + "output": "There's an English man, Irish man and a Scotsman. They're being chased by a policeman. They see this old warehouse so they run in. Inside there are 3 empty sacks on the floor. They each jump in a sack. In comes the copper and see's these three bundles on the floor. Goes up to the first one and kicks it. The English man shout out, \"Woof Woof\", and the copper thinking it's just an old dog leaves it and kicks the second sack. The Scotsman yells out, \"Me-ow me-ow\", he leaves this one as well thinking its just an old cat. He walks over to the last sack and kicks it, and the Irish man yells out.. \"Potatoes Potatoes..!\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Medical", + "output": "A cute little old lady goes to the doctor and says, \"Doctor I have this problem with gas, but it really doesn't bother me too much. It never smells and is always silent. As a matter of fact I've farted at least 10 times since I've been here in your office. You didn't know I was farting because it doesn't smell and is silent.\" The doctor says, \"I see. Take these pills and come back to see me next week\". The next week the lady returns. \"Doctor,\" she says, \"I don't know what the heck you gave me, but now my farts, although still silent, stink terribly\". \"Good,\" the doctor said. \"Now that we've cleared up your sinuses, let's work on your hearing.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Money", + "output": "Three engineers and three accountants are traveling by train to a conference. At the station, the three accountants each buy tickets and watch as the three engineers buy only a single ticket.\"How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?\" asks an accountant. \"Watch and you'll see,\" answers an engineer. They all board the train. The accountants take their respective seats but all three engineers cram into a restroom and close the door behind them.Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the restroom door and says, \"Ticket, please.\" The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on.The accountants saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea. So after the conference, the accountants decide to copy the engineers on the return trip and save some money (being clever with money, and all). When they get to the station they buy a single ticket for the return trip.To their astonishment, the engineers don't buy a ticket at all. \"How are you going to travel without a ticket?\" asked one perplexed accountant.\"Watch and you'll see,\" answered an engineer. When they board the train the three accountants cram into a restroom and the three engineers cram into another one nearby. The train departs.Shortly afterward, one of the engineers leaves his restroom and walks over to the restroom where the accountants are hiding. He knocks on the door and says, \"Ticket, please.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Farmers", + "output": "A female reporter was conducting an interview with a farmer about Mad Cow Disease. \"Mr. Brown, do you have any idea what might be the cause of the disease?\" \"Sure. Do you know the bulls only impregnate the cows once a year?\" \"Umm, sir, that is a new piece of information, but what's the relationship between this and Mad Cow?\" \"And did you know we milk the cows twice a day?\" \"Mr. Brown, that's interesting, but, what's the point?\" \"Lady, the point is this: if I'm playing with your breasts twice a day, but only made love to you once a year, wouldn't you go mad, too?\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Food Jokes", + "output": "A man goes into a restaurant with his wife. The waiter approaches the table and asks for their order. \"I'll have your biggest, juiciest steak,\" he says. \"But sir, what about the mad cow?!\" asks the waiter. \"Oh,\" answers the man, \"she'll order for herself.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Love & Romance", + "output": "A nice young man wanted to purchase a Christmas gift for his new sweetheart. As they had not been dating very long, after some careful consideration, he decided that a pair of elegant winter gloves would strike just the right note - romantic, but not too personal. Accompanied by his sweetheart's younger sister, he went to a fine department store and chose a pair of lovely white fur-lined gloves. The sister did her own shopping, buying a pair of panties for herself. While the clerk was wrapping the items, she got the boxes mixed up, and gave the gloves to the sister and gift-wrapped the panties for the young man. The young man sealed the package without noticing and sent it to his sweetheart, who opened it on Christmas to find his enclosed note: I chose these because I noticed that you are not in the habit of wearing any when we go out in the evening. If it had not been for your sister, I would have chosen the long ones with the buttons, but she demonstrated the short ones she wears that are easier to remove. These are a delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from Showed me the pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks and they were hardly soiled. I had her try yours on for me and she looked very sharp. I wish I was there to put them on for you the first time, as no doubt other hands will come in contact with them before I have a chance to see you again. When you take them off, remember to blow in them before putting them away, as they will naturally be a little damp from wearing. Just think how many times I will kiss them during the coming year. I hope you will wear them for me on Friday night. All my love. (P.S... The latest style is to wear them folded down with a little fur showing." + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Idiots", + "output": "A little rabbit is happily running through the forest when he stumbles upon a giraffe rolling a joint. The rabbit looks at her and says, \"Giraffe my friend, why do you do this? Come with me running through the forest, you'll see, you'll feel so much better!\" The giraffe looks at him, looks at the joint, tosses it and goes off running with the rabbit. Then they come across an elephant doing coke, so the rabbit again says, \"Elephant my friend, why do you do this? Think about your health. Come running with us through the pretty forest, you'll see, you'll feel so good!\" The elephant looks at them, looks at his razor, mirror and all, then tosses them and starts running with the rabbit and giraffe. The three animals then come across a lion about to shoot up and the rabbit again says, \"Lion my friend, why do you do this? Think about your health! Come running with us through the sunny forest, you will feel so good!\" The lion looks at him, puts down his needle, and starts to beat the hell out of the rabbit. As the giraffe and elephant watch in horror, they look at him and ask, \"Lion, why did you do this? He was merely trying to help us all!\" The lion answers, \"That little fruitcake! He makes me run around the forest like an idiot each time he's on ecstasy!\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Love & Romance", + "output": "Two beautiful statues in a park, facing each other across the grass, one of a young girl and the other of a young man, looking towards each other like young lovers. These statues gave so much pleasure to people visiting the park that God looked down and decided to reward them with life for 30 minutes, on a Sunday when the park was closed to the public. Immediately when they came alive, they ran together into the bushes and could be heard giggling and cooing with pleasure and the bushes were shaking. After 15 minutes they came out and realised that they still had 15 minutes more life to live. \"What shall we do now then\" said the boy statue. \"Let's do the same thing again\" she replied. \"Okay\", said the boy statue, \"but this time, you hold the pigeons down while I poop on them\"." + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Medical", + "output": "A man lay sprawled across three entire seats in a theater. When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the man, \"Sorry, sir, but you're only allowed one seat.\" The man groaned but didn't budge. The usher became impatient. \"Sir, if you don't get up from there I'm going to have to call the manager.\" Again, the man just groaned, which infuriated the usher who turned and marched briskly back up the aisle in search of his manager. In a few moments, both the usher and the manager returned and stood over the man. Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move him, but with no success. Finally, they summoned the police. The cop surveyed the situation briefly then asked, \"All right buddy, what's your name?\" \"Sam,\" the man moaned. \"Where ya from, Sam?\" With pain in his voice Sam replied... \"The balcony.\"Send this joke" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Love & Romance", + "output": "Dear Santa,I wud like a kool toy space ranjur for Xmas. Iv ben a good boy all yer.Yer Frend,BiLLy Dear Billy,Nice spelling. You're on your way to being a career lawn carespecialist. How 'bout I send you a damn book so you can learn to read andwrite? I'm giving your older brother the space ranger, at least HE can spell!Santa******Dear Santa,I want a new bike, playstation, a train, some G.I. Joes, a dog, a drumkit, pony, and a tuba.Love,Francis Dear Francis,Who names their kid 'Francis' nowadays? What a wussie name.Santa******* Dear Santa,I really want a puppy this year. Please please please PLEASE TimmyTimmy,That whiney begging crap may work with your folks, but that crap don't work up here. You're getting a sweater again.Santa*******Dearest Santa,We don't have a chimney in our house, how do you get in to our home?Love,MarkyMark,First, stop calling yourself 'Marky.' That's why you're getting your butt whipped at school. Secondly, you don't live in a house, that's a low-rent apartment complex you're living in. Thirdly, I get inside your pad just like all the burglars do, through your bedroom window. Sweet dreams!Santa******Dear Santa,I left milk and cookies for you under the tree, and I left carrots foryour reindeer outside the backdoor.Love,SusanDear Susan,Milk gives me the runs and carrots make the reindeer fart in my face. You want to be a weasel? Leave me a glass of Chivas Regal.Santa******Dear Santa,I've written you for three years now asking for a fire truck. Please,I really, really want a fire truck this year.Love,JoeyDear Joey,Let me make it up to you. While you sleep, I'm gonna torch your house. You'll have more fire trucks than you'll know what to do with.Santa" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Money", + "output": "One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Jack says to Mike behind him, \"My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I better see a doctor.\"\"Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money,\" Mike replies. \"There's a diagnostic computer at the drugstore at the corner. Just give it a urine sample and the computer'll tell you what's wrong and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars...a hell of a lot cheaper than a doctor.\"So Jack deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to the drugstore. He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits.Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout: You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks.That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Jack began wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and masturbated into the mixture for good measure.Jack hurries back to the drugstore, eager to check the results. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.The computer prints the following:1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener.2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.4. Your wife is pregnant...twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better." + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Marriage", + "output": "Heaven is when you have:* An American salary.* A british home.* Chinese food.* A Swiss economy.* An Italian body.* A Japanese technology.* An African tool.* An Indian wife.Hell is when you have:* An American wife.* A british body.* A chinese tool.* Swiss food.* An Italian technology.* A Japanese home.* An african economy.* An Indian salary." + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Medical", + "output": "Mrs. Jones gets a call from the hospital. They tell her that her husband's been in a terrible automobile accident. She rushes to the hospital, runs into the ER and says her husband's been in an accident. They tell her Dr. Smith is handling the case. They page the doctor. He comes out into the waiting room to see a terribly upset Mrs. Jones. \"Mrs. Jones?\" the doctor asks. \"Yes, doctor, what's happened? How is my husband?\" The doctor sits next to her and says, \"Not good news, I'm afraid. Your husband's accident resulted in two fractures of his spine.\" \"Oh my God!\" says Mrs. Jones, \"What is the prognosis?\" \"Well, Mrs. Jones, the good news is his vital signs are stable. However, his spine is inoperable. He'll have no motor skills or capability. This means you will have to feed him.\" Mrs. Jones begins to sob... \"And you'll have to turn him in his bed every two hours to prevent pneumonia.\" Mrs. Jones begins to wail and cry loudly... \"Then, of course,\" the doctor continued, \"you'll have to diaper him as he'll have no control over his bladder and, of course, these diapers must be changed at least five times a day.\" Mrs. Jones begins to shake as she cries, sobs, wails... The doctor continues: \"And you'll have to clean up his feces on a regular basis, as he'll have no control over his sphincters. His bowels will engorge whenever and quite often, I'm afraid. Of course, you must clean him immediately to avoid accumulation of the putrid effluent he'll be emitting regularly.\" Now Mrs. Jones is convulsing, sobbing uncontrollably and beginning to wither off the bench into a sobbing pitiful mass. Just then, Dr. Smith reaches out his hand, pats Mrs. Jones on the shoulder, and says, \"Hey, I'm just messin' with you. He's dead!\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Blind Jokes", + "output": "Two girls were hired to clean a big house. The owners left for work and there was nobody home, so they decided to take their clothes off. They worked naked for a few hours, when they heard the door-bell. \"Who is it?\", one of the asked. \"It's a blind-man\", answered the man from outside. Since they realized he couldn't see them anyway, they decided to stay the way they were. They opened the door, and the man holding a box of drapery rods said: \"Hi, where do you want the blinds?\"..." + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Religious", + "output": "A cabbie picks up a nun. She gets into the cab, and the cab driver won't stop staring at her. She asks him why is he staring and he replies, ''I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you. She answers, 'My dear son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun a long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive.'' ''Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me.'' She responds, ''Well, let's see what we can do about that: first, you have to be single and second, you must be Catholic.'' The cab driver is very excited and says, ''Yes, I am single and I'm Catholic too!'' The nun says ''OK, pull into the next alley.'' He does and the nun fulfills his fantasy. But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying. ''My dear child, said the nun, why are you crying?'' ''Forgive me sister, but I have sinned. I lied, I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish.'' The nun says, ''That's OK, my name is Kevin and I'm on my way to a Halloween party.''" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Blind Jokes", + "output": "A Jewish man took his Passover lunch to eat outside in the park. He sat down on a bench and began eating. A little while later a blind man came by and sat down next to him. Feeling neighborly, the Jewish man passed a sheet of matzo to the blind man.The blind man handled the matzo for a few minutes, looked puzzled, and finally exclaimed, \"Who wrote this stuff?\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Miscellaneous", + "output": "An Irish-man finds a bottle in his garden, and when he rubs it, a genie comes out. \"You have three whishes\", the genie says. The Irish-man thinks for a little while, and then he says: \"i would like to have a bottle of the finest whisky in the world, and that no matter how much i drink from it, it will never empty\". Immediately after finishing his sentence, a bottle of great whisky falls into the irishman's hand. He starts drinking it, taking one big gulp after another. But then, after finishing drinking, he finds that the bottle is still completely full. \"Well, what are your next two wishes?\", asks the jiny. \"I would like two more bottles just like that one!\", answers the irish-man." + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Money", + "output": "A fellow finds himself in front of the Pearly Gates. St. Peter explains that its not so easy to get in heaven. There are some criteria before entry is allowed. For example, was the man religious in life? Attend church? No? St. Peter told him that's bad. Was he generous? give money to the poor? Charities? No? St. Peter told him that that too was bad. Did he do any good deeds? Help his neighbor? Anything? No? St. Peter was becoming concerned. Exasperated, Peter says, \"Look, everybody does something nice sometime. Work with me, I'm trying to help. Now think!\" The man says, \"There was this old lady. I came out of a store and found her surrounded by a dozen Hell's Angels. They had taken her purse and were shoving her around, taunting and abusing her. I got so mad I threw my bags down, fought through the crowd, and got her purse back. I then helped her to her feet. I then went up to the biggest, baddest biker and told him how despicable, cowardly and mean he was and then spat in his face\". \"Wow\", said Peter, \"That's impressive. When did this happen\"? \"Oh, about 10 minutes ago\", replied the man." + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Miscellaneous", + "output": "The local sheriff was looking for a deputy, so Gomer - who was not exactly the sharpest nail in the bucket went in to try out for the job. \"Okay,\" the sheriff drawled, \"Gomer, what is 1 and 1?\" \"11\" he replied. The sheriff thought to himself, \"That's not what I meant, but he's right.\" \"What two days of the weekstart with the letter 'T'?\" \"Today and tomorrow.\" He was again surprised that Gomer supplied a correct answer that he had never thought of himself. \"Now Gomer, listen carefully: Who killed Abraham Lincoln?\" Gomer looked a little surprised himself, then thought really hard for a minute and finally admitted, \"I don't know.\" \"Well, why don't you go home and work on that one for a while?\" So, Gomer wandered over to the pool hall where his pals were waiting to hear the results of the interview. Gomer was exultant. \"It went great! First day on the job and I'm already working on a murder case!\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Police Jokes", + "output": "The Los Angeles Police Department (LAPD), The FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it. The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist. The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and they make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming. The LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling: \"Okay! Okay! I'm a rabbit! I'm a rabbit!\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Military", + "output": "1. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer. 2. Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in. 3. Aren't you that guy from the Village People? 4. Hey, you must have been doin' at least 120 mph to keep up with me...Good job! 5. Didn't I see you get your butt kicked on COPS? 6. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a cop. 7. I almost decided to be a cop, but I decided to finish high school instead. 8. Bad cop! No donut! 9. You're not gonna check the trunk, are you? 10. Gee, Officer...that's terrific...the last officer only gave me a warning too! 11. Excuse me...is stick up hyphenated? 12. Wow, you look just like the guy in the picture on my girlfriend's nightstand. 13. Is it true that people become cops because they're too dumb to work at McDonald's? 14. I pay your salary! 15. So, uh, you on the take, or what? 16. Gee, that gut sure doesn't inspire confidence. 17. Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does. 18. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there are no other cars around-that's how far ahead of me they are. 19. What do you mean, \"Have I been drinking?\" You're the trained specialist. 20. Well, when I reached down to pick up my bag of crack, my gun fell off my lap and got lodged between the brake pedal and the gas pedal, forcing me to speed out of control. 21. Hey, is that a 9 mm? That's nothing compared to this .44 Magnum! 22. Hey, can you give me another one of those full cavity searches?" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Money", + "output": "The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing $1000 bet. The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money. Many people had tried over time (weight-lifters, longshoremen, etc.) but nobody could do it. One day this scrawny little man came into the bar, wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit, and said in a tiny squeaky voice \" I'd like to try the bet\" After the laughter had died down, the bartender said OK, grabbed a lemon, and squeezed away. Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man. But the crowd's laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass. As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the $1000, and asked the little man \"what do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a weight-lifter, or what?\" The man replied \"I work for the IRS.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Bar Jokes", + "output": "A farmer is sitting in the neighborhood bar slowly getting drunk. A man comes in and asks the farmer, “Hey,why are you sitting here on this beautiful day getting drunk?” The farmer says, “Some things you just can’texplain.” “So what happened that is so horrible?” the man asked. The farmer then decides to try an answer, “Well if you must know, today I was sitting by my cow milking her. Just as I got the bucket about full, she took her left leg and kicked it over.” “That’s not so bad,what’s the big deal?” The farmer says, “Some things you just can’t explain.” “So what happened?” the man asked again. The farmer relenting, continued, “I took her left leg and tied it to the post on the left with some rope. Then I sat down and continued to milk her. Just as I got the bucket about full she took her right leg and kicked it over.” “Again?” The farmer says, “Some things you just can’t explain.” “So, what did you do then?” the man asked, intrigued. “I took her right leg and tied it to the post on the right. I sat back down and continued to milk her, and just as I got the bucket just about full, the stupid cow knocked over the bucket with her tail.” “Wow, you must have been pretty upset!” but that’s no reason to just sit here getting all depressed.” The farmer says, “Some things you just can’t explain.” “So then what else did you do?” the man asked again.“Well I didn’t have any more rope, so I took off my belt and tied her tail to the rafter. That’s when my pants fell down and my wife walked in…”" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Religious", + "output": "Have you heard? The Pope has issued a proclamation on Michael Jackson. If he hears any more allegations about little boys, the Pope says he'll have no choice but to make him a priest." + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "School", + "output": "A high school English teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. \"Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being there tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness, or a death in your immediate family - but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!\" A smart-ass guy in the back of the room raises his hand and asks, \"What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?\" The entire class does its best to stifle their laughter and snickering. When silence is restored, the teacher smiles sympathetically at the student, shakes her head, and sweetly says, \"Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Military", + "output": "Michael Jackson was on a cruise with 100 Boy Scouts when the ship hit an iceberg and started to sink. The captain announced, \"Everyone abandon ship! We're going down!\" Michael asked, \"What about the children?\" The captain replied, \"Screw the children!\" Michael looked around eagerly and asked, \"Do we have time?\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Miscellaneous", + "output": "Q: What's the difference between Michael Jackson and a grocery bag? A: One is made of plastic and is a potential risk to children. The other carries groceries." + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Medical", + "output": "Michael Jackson was announced that he is the proud father of a baby boy. He asked his wife's doctor how soon after the birth could he have sex. The doctor told him he should wait until the kid is at least 12 or 13 years old." + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Money", + "output": "John was driving when a policeman pulled him over. He rolled down his window and said to the officer, \"Is there a problem, Officer?\" \"No problem at all. I just observed your safe driving and am pleased to award you a $5,000 Safe Driver Award. Congratulations. What do you think you're going to do with the money?\" John thought for a minute and said, \"Well, I guess I'll go get that drivers' license.\" Judi, sitting in the passenger seat said to the policeman, \"Oh, don't pay attention to him -- he's a smartbutt when he's drunk and stoned.\" Brian from the back seat said, \"I TOLD you guys we wouldn't get far in a stolen car!!!\" At that moment, there was a knock from the trunk and a muffled voice said, \"Are we over the border yet?\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "School", + "output": "The college professor had just finished explaining an important research project to his class. The professor emphasized that this paper was an absolute requirement for passing his class, and that there would be only two acceptable excuses for being late. Those were a medically certifiable illness or a death in the student's immediate family.A student in the back of the classroom waved his hand and spoke up, \"But what about extreme sexual exhaustion, professor?\"As you would expect, the class exploded in laughter.When the students had finally settled down, the professor froze the young man with a glaring look. \"Well,\" he responded, \"I guess you'll just have to learn to write with your other hand.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Bar Jokes", + "output": "A priest, gets a haircut in a Washington barbershop, he then asks how much he owes. \"No charge, Father\"... the barber said...\"I consider it a service to the Lord.\" The next morning, the barber finds two dozen small prayer booklets on his stoop. Two days later, a police officer comes in for a cut and asks...\"how much do I owe you?\" \"No charge, officer\"...the barber says...\"I consider it a service to my community.\" The next morning the barber finds a dozen doughnuts on his stoop. A few days later a Senator walks in for a haircut...\"how much do I owe you?\"...he asks. \"No charge\"...the barber replied..\"I consider it a service to my country.\" The next morning the barber arrives at his shop only tofind a dozen Senators waiting on his stoop!" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Sex", + "output": "Top Ten Reasons Why Trick-Or-Treating Is Better Than Sex10) You are guaranteed to get at least a little something in the sack. 9) If you get tired, you can wait 10 minutes and go at it again. 8) The uglier you look, the easier it is to get some. 7) You don't have to compliment the person who gives you some. 6) It's O.K. when the person you're with fantasizes you're someone else, because you are. 5) Forty years from now you'll still enjoy candy. 4) If you don't like what you get, you can always go next door. 3) It doesn't matter if the kids hear you moaning and groaning. 2) Less guilt the morning after. 1) YOU CAN DO THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD." + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Holidays", + "output": "As a little girl climbed onto Santa's lap, Santa asked the usual, \"And what would you like for Christmas?\" The child stared at him open mouthed and horrified for a minute, then gasped, \"Didn't you get my E-mail?\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Medical", + "output": "A very well endowed young lady went to the doctor for her annual check up. The doctor told her to remove her clothes and get up on the examining table. Shyly, she said to him, \"Oh doctor, I just couldn't undress in front of you.\" \"Ok. I'll turn off the lights for you, you undress, then tell me when you're ready,\" the doctor said. A few moments later, she called out, \"I've undressed, doctor. What shall I do with my clothes?\" \"Just place them on the chair, on top of mine.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Bar Jokes", + "output": "A drunk walks into a bar, sits down and demands a drink. \"Get out\" says the bartender. \"I don't serve drunks here\". The drunk staggers out the front door, only to come back in through the side door. He sits at the bar, bangs his fist and demands a drink. \"I just told you to get out, didn't I? Now LEAVE!\". The drunk gets off his stool, stumbles out the side door and, comes back inside through the back door. Once again, he sits at the bar and loudly asks for a drink. The bartender, now glowing mad, looks at the drunk and yells \"I TOLD YOU, NO DRUNKS ALLOWED, NOW GET OUT!!!\". The drunk looks up at the bartender and slurs \"How many bars do you work at, anyway?\"." + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Money", + "output": "A woman walks into a bank one day to deposit a large sum of money. She walks up to the guy at the counter and hands him a cheque of a million dollars. After noticing the cheque was for such a large amount, he tells her he has to go and get the bank manager. Soon, the bank manager appears and starts to process her cheque. \"How did you get so much money?\" \"Well\", she replies, \"I'm abit of gambler...\" \"Really?\" the manager replies astoundingly. \"Sure, like right now - I can bet you $10,000 that your nuts are square!\", the managers alittle taken back from what shes said. \"Ten grand that my nuts are square?\"\"Yup\"\"Done!\"\"Great, meet me in the car park in two minutes so I can see for myself\". Sure enough, two minutes later the manager walks out and sees her standing by her car with a guy in a suit.\"Ok, well this is my lawyer. Hes just here to make sure this is all legal and fair.\"\"Sure\"She then steps up in front of him, unzips his pants and gives his balls a good feel.\"You're right, they're not square!\"The manager smiles and looks over to the lawyer who starts banging his head on the car.Confused, the manager asks the woman,\"Whats with your lawyer?\"\"Oh, I bet him $50,000 I would have your nuts in my hand in 5 minutes.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Love & Romance", + "output": "A newlywed couple arrive at their honeymoon suite and prepare to have sex for the first time. As they start to settle under the covers, she tells her husband,\"I've got a confession. I'm not a virgin, but I've been with only one man.\"The husband thinks for a second and says,\"Well it's 2003, that's not unusual for you to have had premarital sex. But can I ask who the guy was?\"She fidgets for a minute, then says,\"Tiger Woods.\"Her husband is surprised by this response but tells her,\"Well, he's rich, talented, and good-looking. I can see why you wanted to sleep with him.\"So they make love for the first time and when they finish he gets up and goes to the room phone. His wife rolls over and asks,\"What are you doing?\"He tells her, \"I'm hungry. I was gonna call room service. Do you want anything?\"\"Tiger wouldn't have done,\" she says.\"Oh really? What would Tiger have done,\" he asks.\"Tiger would have come back to bed and made love to me a second time.\"So her husband puts down the phone and gets back to bed and makes love to his wife a second time. After they finish he gets out of bed and walks to the phone again. Again his wife asks,\"What are you doing?\"\"Well I never called room service the first time and I'm still hungry,\" he replies.\"Tiger wouldn't have done that,\" she again tells him.\"Oh really. And what would Tiger have done?\"\"Tiger would have come back to bed and made love to me a third time,\" she says.So her husband goes back to bed and makes love to her for a third time. After finally finishing he rolls out of bed again and goes to the phone.\"Calling room service again?\" she asks.\"No! I'm calling Tiger so I can find out what the par is for this damn hole!!\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Aviation", + "output": "Three guys parachute from a burning plane onto an island and are quickly caught by a bunch of canabals. The leader of the canabals says \"I will spare your lives if you can complete 2 tasks for me otherwise we will eat you on the spot.\"The first task is to collect ten items of fruit or vegatables from anywhere on the island\" So sure enough off they go in three different directions with canable escorts.10 minutes later the first man returns carrying ten apples and the second task is layed before him \"You must push all 10 apples up your bum without making a single sound!\" so with little choice the first man begins 1 23...4....5 \"OUCH\" he shouts and sure enough he is torn limb from limb and eaten by the cannables.5 minutes later after the meal the second man returns with 10 berrys and is given the second task. So off he goes...123456.7..8Suddendly the second man burst into laughter and is torn limb from limb and eaten.When the second man reaches heaven he is greated by the first man who is itching to ask him a question \"WHY OH WHY when you had such an easy task did you start laughing????\" to which the second man replies \"There i was inserting berrys up my bum thinking how easy it was when i looked up to see the other fella with a big grin on his face and 10 mellons in his arms!!!!\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Sports", + "output": "Now that Uday & Qusay have been eliminated, a lot of their lesser-known family members are coming to the attention of American authorities. Among the brothers are: Sooflay ..................the restaurateur Guday................... the half-Australian brother Huray.................... the sports fanatic Begay......................the gay brother Kuntay & Kintay.....the twins from the African mother Sayhay....................the baseball player Ojay........................the stalker / murderer Gulay......................the singer / entertainer Ebay.......................the Internet czar Biliray......................the country music star Ecksray...................the radiologist Puray.......................the blender factory owner Regay......................the half-Jamaican brother Tupay......................the one with bad hair And the sisters are: Pusay.......................the 'loose' 22 yr. old Lattay........................the coffee shop owner Bufay.........................the 300 pound sister Dushay......................the clean sister Phayray.....................the zoo worker in the gorilla house Sapheway..................the grocery store owner Ollay..........................the half-Mexican sister Gudlay........................the prostitute" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Love & Romance", + "output": "Due to increasing products liability litigation, American liquor manufacturers have accepted the FDA's suggestion that the following warning labels be placed immediately on all varieties of alcohol containers:WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your bra and panties.WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a giraffe in heat.WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends repeatedly that you love them.WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing.WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at four in the morning.WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with other members of the opposite sex without spitting.WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burns on the forehead, knees, and lower back.WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause pregnancy.WARNING: The crumsumpten of alcahol may maak yu tink you kan tipe real gude." + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Office Jokes", + "output": "Things you'd really like to say at work 01. I can see your point, but you're still full of crap. 02. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronouce. 03. I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public. 04. I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter. 05. Ahh...I see the screw-up fairy has visited us again. 06. I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid. 07. I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth. 08. The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist. 09. What am I? Flypaper for freaks!? 10. And your cry-baby whiny-assed opinion would be...? 11. This isn't and office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting. 12. If I throw a stick, will you leave? 13. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed. 14. Can I trade this job for what's behind door #1? 15. Chaos, panic, & disorder - my work here is done." + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Business", + "output": "A young engineer was leaving the office at 6 pm when he found the CEO standing in front of the paper shredder with a piece of paper in his hand. \"Listen,\" said the CEO, \"this is important, my secretary has left for the day. Can you make this thing work?\" \"Certainly,\" said the young engineer. He turned the machine on, inserted the paper, and pressed the start button. \"Excellent, excellent!\" said the CEO as his paper disappered inside the machine. \"I just need one copy.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Bar Jokes", + "output": "A drunk, staggering down main street, somehow manages to make it into a cathedral. A priest watched him, as he crashed from pew to pew, finally making his way into the confessional. The priest, thinking the man needs his assistance, proceeds to his side of the confessional. His attention was rewarded with a lengthy silence, followed by bodily gas being released. The priest, battling extreme stench, finally asks... \"may I help you, my son?\" \"Dunno\"...came a slurred voice from the other side ...\"you got any toilet paper?\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Bar Jokes", + "output": "A man walks into the front door of a bar. He is obviously drunk, and staggers up to the bar, seats himself on a stool and, with a belch, asks the bartender for a drink. The bartender politely informs the man that it appears that he has already had plenty to drink, he could not be served additional liquor at this bar, and could a cab be called for him? The drunk is briefly surprised, then softly scoffs, grumbles, climbs down off the bar stool and staggers out the front door. A few minutes later, the same drunk stumbles in the SIDE door of the bar. He wobbles up to the bar and hollers for a drink. The bartender comes over and, still politely - but more firmly, refuses service to the man due to his inebriation, and again offers to call a cab. The drunk looks at the bartender for a moment angrily, curses, and shows himself out the side door, all the while grumbling and shaking his head. A few minutes later, the same drunk bursts in through the back door of the bar. He plops himself up on a bar stool, gathers his wits and belligerently orders a drink. The bartender comes over and emphatically reminds the man that he is clearly drunk, will be served no drinks, and either a cab or the police will be called immediately. The surprised drunk looks at the bartender, and in hopeless anguish, cries \"Man! How many bars do you work at?\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Marriage", + "output": "An Illinois man left the snow-filled streets of Chicago for a vacation in Florida, his wife was on a business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day. When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick email, unable to find the scrap of paper on which he had written her email address, he did his best to type it from memory. Unfortunately, he missed one letter and his note was directed instead to an elderly preacher's wife, whose husband had passed away only the day before. When the grieving widow checked her email, she took one look at the monitor, let out a piercing scream and fell to the floor in a dead faint, at the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the screen..... DEAREST WIFE...JUST GOT CHECKED IN...EVERYTHING PREPARED FOR YOUR ARRIVAL TOMORROW...P.S.SURE IS HOT DOWN HERE." + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Office Jokes", + "output": "What a difference 30 years makes: 1973: Long hair 2003: Longing for hair 1973: The perfect high 2003: The perfect high yield mutual fund 1973: KEG 2003: EKG 1973: Acid rock 2003: Acid reflux 1973: Moving to California because it's cool 2003: Moving to California because it's warm 1973: Growing pot 2003: Growing pot belly 1973: Trying to look like Marlon Brando or Liz Taylor 2003: Trying NOT to look like Marlon Brando or Liz Taylor 1973: Seeds and stems 2003: Roughage 1973: Popping pills, smoking joints 2003: Popping joints 1973: Killer weed 2003: Weed killer 1973: Hoping for a BMW 2003: Hoping for a BM 1973: The Grateful Dead 2003: Dr. Kevorkian 1973: Going to a new, hip joint 2003: Receiving a new hip joint 1973: Rolling Stones 2003: Kidney Stones 1973: Being called into the principal's office 2003: Calling the principal's office 1973: Screw the system 2003: Upgrade the system 1973: Disco 2003: Costco 1973: Parents begging you to get your hair cut 2003: Children begging you to get their heads shaved 1973: Taking acid 2003: Taking antacid 1973: Passing the drivers' test 2003: Passing the vision test 1973: Whatever 2003: Depends" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Money", + "output": "A man walks into a bar one night. He goes up to the bar and asks for a beer. \"Certainly, sir, that'll be 1 cent.\" \"ONE CENT!\" exclaimed the guy; the barman replied, \"Yes.\" So the guy glances over at the menu, and he asks, \"Could I have a nice juicy T-bone steak, with chips, peas, and a fried egg?\" \"Certainly sir,\" replies the bartender, but all that comes to real money.\" How much money?\" inquires the guy. \"4 cents\", he replies. \"FOUR cents!\" exclaims the guy. \"Where's the Guy who owns this place?\" The barman replies, \"Upstairs with my wife.\" The guy says, \"What's he doing with your wife?\" The bartender replies, \"Same as I'm doing to his business.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Bar Jokes", + "output": "Ever stop to think...and forget to start again? I are proud to be a college studentConserve toilet paper...use both sides Don't come knockin' if the car is a rockin' 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name A man without a woman is like a neck without a pain Keep honking...I'm reloading Don't steal....the government hates competition I'm as confused as a baby in a topless bar I want to die peacefully, in my sleep, like my grandfather, not screaming and yelling like his passengers!" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Marriage", + "output": "A couple was celebrating their golden wedding anniversary. Their domestic tranquility had long been known about the town, and on this very special occasion, a local newspaper reporter paid them a visit. He inquired as to the secret of their long and happy marriage. \"Well\"...explained the husband...\"it all goes all the way back to our honeymoon, you see, we visited the Grand Canyon and wetook a trip down to the bottom of the canyon by pack mule.\" He continues...\"well now, we hadn't gone too far when my wife's mule stumbled, she quietly said...that's once.\" \"We proceeded a little further when the mule stumbled again and my wife quietly spoke...that's twice.\" \"You know, that mule hadn't gone a half-mile when it stumbled a third time.\" My wife promptly removed a gun from her purse, hopped off the beast, and shot the mule dead.\" \"I protested over her treatment of the mule, she slowly turned tome and quietly said...that's once.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "School", + "output": "Two medical students were walking along the street when they saw an old man walking with his legs spread apart. One of the students said to his friend:\"I'm sure he has Petry Syndrome - those people walk just like that.\" The other student says: \"No, I don't think so. The old man surely has Zovitzki Syndrome, he walks just like we learned in class.\" Since they couldn't agree they decided to ask the old man. They approached the old man and one of the students said to him: \"We're medical students and couldn't ignore the way you walk, but we couldn't agree on the syndrome you might have. Could you tell us what it is?\" The old man said: \"I'll tell you but first you'll tell me what you think.\" Then one of the students said: \"I think it's Petry Syndrome.\" And the old man said: \"you thought, but you're wrong.\" Then the other student said: \"I think you have Zovitzki Syndrome.\" And the old man said: \"you thought, but you're wrong.\" So they asked him: \"so what do you have?\" And the old man said: \"I thought I needed to fart. I thought, but was wrong.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Bar Jokes", + "output": "Nellie, shopping at her local supermarket, selects a quart of milk, a dozen eggs, a pound of bacon and aquart of orange juice. A drunk standing behind her, watches as she places the items in front of the cashier. He says to her...\"you must be single.\" The woman, startled but intrigued by the derelict's intuition, looked at her four items on the belt. Seeing nothing particularly unusual about her items, she says...\"well, you're correct, but how on earth did you know that?\" The drunk staggers as he puts his beer in front of the same cashier and says...\"cause you're ugly!\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Police Jokes", + "output": "A policeman pulls over a driver for swerving in and out of lanes on the highway. He tells the guy to blow a breath into a breathalyzer. \"I can't do that, officer.\" \"Why not?\" \"Because I'm an asthmatic. I could get an asthma attack if I blow into that tube.\" \"Okay, we'll just get a urine sample down at the station.\" \"Can't do that either, officer.\" \"Why not?\" \"Because I'm a diabetic. I could get low blood sugar if I pee in a cup.\" \"Alright, we could get a blood sample.\" \"Can't do that either, officer.\" \"Why not?\" \"Because I'm a hemophiliac. If I give blood I could die.\" \"Fine then, just walk this white line.\" \"Can't do that either, officer.\" \"Why not?\" \"Because I'm drunk.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Love & Romance", + "output": "With Sam dying, his wife Carol was maintaining a candlelight vigil by his side. She held his fragile hand praying and crying, this roused him from his slumber.He looked up and his pale lips said...\"my darling Carol.\"\"Hush, my love\"...she said... \"rest, don't talk.\"In his tired voice...\"I have something I must confess to you.\"\"There's nothing to confess\"...replied the weeping Carol...\"everything is all right, just go to sleep.\"\"No\"...he struggles...\"I must die in peace, I have something to tell you Carol...I cheated on you!\"\"I know\"...Carol whispered as she softly stroked his forehead...\"just let the poison do it's job.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Marriage", + "output": "A man comes home to find his wife packing her suitcase. He says \"Honey, what are you doing\". She says, \"I'm leaving you, I want a divorce.\"The husband says, \"But why, what's wrong?\"The wife says, \"I just found out that you are a pedophile\"The husband says, \"Whoa, that's an awful big word for a 10-year old.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Crazy Jokes", + "output": "In a train car there was a Canadian, an American, a spectacular looking blonde and a frightfully awful looking fat lady. After several minutes of the trip, the train happens to pass through a dark tunnel and the unmistakable sound of a slap is heard. When they leave the tunnel the American had a big red slap mark on his cheek. 1) The blonde thought - \"That fresh American wanted to touch me and by mistake, he must have put his hand on the fat lady, who in turn must have slapped his face.\" 2) The fat lady thought - \"That dirty old American laid his hands on the blonde and she smacked him.\" 3) The American thought - \"That bloody Canadian put his hands on that blonde and by mistake she slapped me.\" 4) The Canadain thought - \"I hope there's another tunnel soon so I can smack that stupid American again.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Bar Jokes", + "output": "On the first day God created the cow... God said, \"you must go to field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer...for that I will give you a life span of sixty years.\" The cow said, \"that's kind of a tough life, you want me to live for sixty years...let me have twenty years and I'll give back the other forty\" and God agreed. On the second day, God created the dog... God said, \"sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past...I'll give you a life span of twenty years.\" The dog said, \"that's too long to be barking... give me ten years and I'll give back the other ten.\" So God agreed. On the third day God created the monkey... God said, entertain people, do monkey tricks, make them laugh... I'll give you a twenty year life span.\" the monkey said, \"how boring, monkey tricks for twenty years? I don't think so...dog gave you back ten, so that's what I'll do too.\" And God agreed again. Now on the fourth day, God created man... God said, \"Eat, sleep, play, have sex, enjoy...do nothing, just enjoy, enjoy... I'll give you twenty years.\" Man said, \"what...only twenty years? no way man, tell you what, I'll take my twenty...the forty cow gave back... the ten dog gave back and the ten monkey gave back... that makes eighty, okay?\" \"Okay,\" said God... \"you've got a deal!\" So this is why for... the first twenty years we eat, sleep, play, have sex, enjoy, and do nothing... the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family... the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain our grandchildren... the last ten years we sit in front of the house and bark at everybody... life has now been explained." + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Love & Romance", + "output": "Many, many years ago, when I was twenty-three, I got married to a widow who was pretty as could be, This widow had a grown-up daughter, with flowing hair of red, My father fell in love with her, and soon the two were wed. This made my dad my son-in-law and changed my very life, My daughter was my mother, for she was my father's wife, To complicate the matters worse, although it brought me joy, I soon became the father of a bouncing baby boy. Father's wife then had a son, who kept them on the run, And this made him my grandson, for he was my daughter's son, My wife is now my mother's mother and this makes me very blue, Because, although she is my wife, she's now my grandma too. If my wife is my grandmother, then I am her grandchild, And every time I think of this, it simply drives me wild, For now I have become the strangest case that you ever saw, As the husband of my grandmother, I am now my own grandpa!" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Aviation", + "output": "On a recent transatlantic flight, a plane passes through a severe storm. The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse when one wing is struck by lightning. One woman in particular loses it. Screaming, she stands up in the front of the plane. \"I'm too young to die,\" she wails. Then she yells, \"Well, if I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on earth to be memorable! Is there ANYONE on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN?\" For a moment there is silence. Everyone has forgotten their own peril. They all stared, riveted, at the desperate woman in the front of the plane. Then a man stands up in the rear of the plane. He is gorgeous: tall, well built, with dark brown hair and hazel eyes. He starts to walk slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt... one button at a time. No one moves. He removes his shirt. Muscles ripple across his chest. She gasps... He whispers... \"Iron this, and get me something to eat.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Miscellaneous", + "output": "GHOST POOPIE: The kind where you feel the poopie come out, but there is no poopie in the toilet. CLEAN POOPIE: The kind where you poopie it out, see it in the toilet, but there is nothing on the toilet paper. WET POOPIE: The kind where you wipe your butt 50 times and it still feels unwiped, so you have to put some toilet paper between your butt and your underwear so you won't ruin them with stains. SECOND WAVE POOPIE: This happens when you're done poopie-ing and you've pulled your pants up to your knees, and you realize that you have to poopie some more. POP-A VEIN-IN-YOUR-FOREHEAD POOPIE: The kind where you strain so much to get it out, you practically have a stroke. LINCOLN LOG POOPIE: The kind of poopie that is so huge you're afraid to flush without first breaking it into little pieces with the toilet brush. GASSY POOPIE: It's so noisy, that everyone within earshot is giggling. DRINKER'S POOPIE: The kind of poopie you have the morning after a long night of drinking. It's most noticeable trait is the skid marks on the bottom of the toilet. CORN POOPIE: Self explanatory. GEE-I-WISH-I-COULD-POOPIE POOPIE: The kind where you want to poopie but all you do is sit on the toilet and fart a few times. SPINAL TAP POOPIE: That's where it hurts so badly coming out, you'd swear it was leaving you sideways. WET CHEEKS POOPIE (The Power Dump): The kind that comes out so fast, your butt cheeks get splashed with water. THE DANGLING POOPIE: This poopie refuses to drop in the toilet even though you are done poopie-ing it. You just hope that a shake or two will cut it loose. THE SURPRISE POOPIE: You're not even at the toilet because you are sure you are about to fart, but *oops* --- a poopie!" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Idiots", + "output": "The Perfect Employee?1 Bob Smith, my assistant programmer, can always be found2 hard at work at his desk. He works independently, without3 wasting company time talking to colleagues. Bob never4 thinks twice about assisting fellow employees, and always5 finishes given assignments on time. Often he takes extended6 measures to complete his work, sometimes skipping coffee7 breaks. Bob is a dedicated individual who has absolutely no8 vanity in spite of his high accomplishments and profound9 knowledge in his field. I firmly believe that Bob can be10 classed as an asset employee, the type which cannot be11 dispensed with. Consequently, I recommend that Bob be12 promoted to executive management, and a proposal will be13 executed as soon as possible.Addendum:That idiot was standing over my shoulder while I wrote the report sent to you earlier today. Kindly re-read only the odd numbered lines." + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Sports", + "output": "There are these two guys named John and Cliff. They were best friends and were so obsessed with baseball that they would go to 60 games a year and analyze every scoreboard. They even promised each other that when one of them goes to heaven, the deceased one would come back and tell the other whether there was baseball in heaven or not.One night Cliff dies in his sleep after watching a Chicago White Sox game -- Chicago won, so at least he died a happy man. The next day Cliff returns to earth to see his friend. \"Hi, John.\" \"Cliff, is it really you?\" \"Hey, I told you I'd be back to tell you what's up. And, you know John, there's good news and bad news.\" \"Okay. What's the good news?\" \"There is baseball in heaven.\" \"The bad news?\" \"You're pitching tomorrow night.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Miscellaneous", + "output": "Subject....Health FoodWith today's adults looking for a healthier lifestyle,food and stress are very important to them.We will look first at what food can be added to ourdiet that will help relieve stress.The food in question, is chocolate. This overlookedfood is considered unhealthy, but let's take a look.Chocolate is made from sugar and cocoa beans withthe bean known as a vegetable. Sugar is derived mainly from sugar cane, this would also be in the vegetable category, thus classifying allchocolate as a vegetable. Chocolate-covered raisins, cherries, orange slices and strawberries all count as fruit, and as you well know,you are encouraged to eat as much fruit as you want!To take this one step further, milk chocolate contains milk, which is dairy, therefore, chocolate, in any form, should be considered a health food. so remember...STRESSED spelled backward is.............(scroll down) DESSERTS" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Miscellaneous", + "output": "A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day. A small rabbit saw the crow, and asked him, \"Can I also sit like you and do nothing all day long?\"The crow answered: \"Sure, why not.\"So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow, and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.Moral of the story is: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up." + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Miscellaneous", + "output": "A woman sends her clothing out to the Chinese laundry. When it comes backthere are still stains in her panties. The next week she encloses a note tothe Chinaman that says, \"Use more soap on panties.\"This goes on for several weeks, the woman sending the same note to thelaundry.Finally fed up the Chinaman responded with his own note that said, \"Usemore paper on ass.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "School", + "output": "A teacher decides that she is going to teach her second grade class a new word today. She tells them that the word is \"definitely\" and its meaning is \"absolute, positive, without a doubt.\" She asks the class if anyone can think of a sentence with the word in it. She calls on little Susan who is in the back raising her hand, quite sure of herself. Susan stands up and says, \"The sky is definitely blue.\" The teacher replies to her, \"Well, that's a good sentence but sometimes the sky is gray, and sometimes its cloudy, and sometimes its red and pink so the sky is not definitely blue. Anyone else?\" Tom's hand flies up and she calls on him. Tom answers, \"The water is definitely clear.\" \"Well, Tom that's a good sentence but sometimes the water is muddy, and sometimes it's green, and sometimes it's full of seaweed so it's not definitely clear. Anyone else?\" Finally, in the far corner, little Robert slowly raises his hand. \"Yes, Robert?\" asks the teacher. \"Can I ask a question, teacher?\" Robert replies. \"Yes.\" \"Do farts have lumps?\" \"No. Why do you ask.\" \"Well, then I've definitely pooped in my pants.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Medical", + "output": "An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%.The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, \"Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again.\"The gentleman replied, \"Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Idiots", + "output": "There are three men in the woods. they are hunter, trapper, and stupid guy. Hunter goes out and comes back an hour later with a bear. Trapper asks \"how did you get that?\" Hunter says me find tracks, me follow tracks, me find bear, me shoot bear, bear stop.\" Trapper goes out and comes back an hour later with a deer. Stupid guy asks \"how did you get that?\" Trapper says\" me find tracks, me follow tracks, me find deer, me shoot dear, dear stop.\" Stupid guy goes out and comes back two hours later bruised and nearly dead with broken limbs. Hunter and trapper ask \"What happened to you?\" stupid guy says \"me find tracks, me follow tracks, me find train, me shoot train, train don't stop.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Old Age", + "output": "A senior citizen's group chartered a bus from Brooklyn to Atlantic City. As they entered New Jersey, an elderly woman came up to the driver and said \"I've been molested!\" The driver thought she was just being delusional, and told her to go sit back down. 10 minutes later, another old woman came forward and claimed SHE'D been molested. The driver thought he had a bus load of wackos - who'd molest them? 10 minutes later, a third came up and said she'd been molested too. The driver decided he'd had enough, and pulled into the rest stop. When he stood up, he saw an old man on his hands and knees in the aisle. \"Hey gramps, what are you doing down there?\" \"I lost my toupee. Three times I thought I found it, but when I grabbed it, it ran away...\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Military", + "output": "It's the middle of summer and a Highway Patrolman pulls over a motoristfor speeding. While he's writing the ticket, flies keep buzzing aroundhis head, annoying him considerably. \"Circle flies sure are bad this year, aren't they?\" says the motorist. \"Yeah,\" says the patrolman, \"if that's what these are, you're sureright. But I've never heard of a circle fly before. What's that?\" \"Well,\" the motorist responds, \"circle flies are a species of fly thatare particularly partial to horses. Specifically, they tend to circlearound a horse's rear end. That's why they call 'em circle flies.\" The patrolman, catching the implication, replies, \"You don't say. Well,that's very interesting. But it strikes me that you might be trying tocall me a horse's ass. You wouldn't be making that kind of implicationabout an officer of the law, would you?\" \"Oh, no sir!\" responds the motorist. \"No, sir, not at all. I have theutmost respect for law enforcement officers, and would never dream ofimplying that one of them was a horse's ass. No, sir, I'm terribly sorry if that's how it sounded.\" \"Yeah, I didn't think so,\" replied the patrolman. \"Yeah,\" the motorist continued, \"but there's just no fooling those circle flies, is there?\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Military", + "output": "There's a captain and his crew, and they always won naval battles. One day, a sailor called out \"Cap'! 10 ships approching!\" The Captain replied \"Get me my red shirt!\" They did, he put it on, and they won the battle.Later, a sailor called \"Cap'! 20 ships!\" \"Get me my red shirt!\" They did, and they won after he wore itLater, 50 ships attacked, they got thier captain his red shirt, and they wonThen one day a sailor asked \"Captain, why do you wear that red shirt?\" \"If I get shot and bleed, you won't see my blood and keep fighting for me\" said the captainLater...Sailor: \"Captain! 220000 ships!\"Captain: \"What!? Get me my brown pants!\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "School", + "output": "A teacher decides that she is going to teach her second grade class a new word today. She tells them that the word is \"definitely\" and its meaning is \"absolute, positive, without a doubt.\" She asks the class if anyone can think of a sentence with the word in it. She calls on little Susan who is in the back raising her hand, quite sure of herself. Susan stands up and says, \"The sky is definitely blue.\" The teacher replies to her, \"Well, that's a good sentence but sometimes the sky is gray, and sometimes its cloudy, and sometimes its red and pink so the sky is not definitely blue. Anyone else?\" Tom's hand flies up and she calls on him. Tom answers, \"The water is definitely clear.\" \"Well, Tom that's a good sentence but sometimes the water is muddy, and sometimes it's green, and sometimes it's full of seaweed so it's not definitely clear. Anyone else?\" Finally, in the far corner, little Robert slowly raises his hand. \"Yes, Robert?\" asks the teacher. \"Can I ask a question, teacher?\" Robert replies. \"Yes.\" \"Do farts have lumps?\" \"No. Why do you ask.\" \"Well, then I've definitely pooped in my pants.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Ethnic Jokes", + "output": "One day an Indian, a Muslim, and a Cowboy were just sittin' around when all of the sudden, the Indian said with a gloomy look, \" Once my people were many, now we are few.\", then the Muslim said with a huge smile on his face, \"Once my people were few, now we are many.\", the Cowboy replied , \"Oh, that's just because we ain't played cowboys and muslims yet.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Political", + "output": "George Bush and Colin Powell were sitting together at a bar. The bartender was surprised to see them and walked over to them. \"What are you guys talking about?\" he says to them. \"Well,\" Bush respones \"We were just talking about WW3. We are gonna kill 40 million Iraquies and one blonde with an amazing chest. \"Why would you kill a blonde with an amazing chest?\" The bartender asks puzzled. Bush then turns to Powell and says \"See I told you no one would care about 40 million Iraquies!\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Aviation", + "output": "Two physicians boarded a flight out of Seattle. One sat in the window seat, the other sat in the middle seat. Just before takeoff, an attorney got on and took the aisle seat next to the two physicians. The attorney kicked off his shoes, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the physician in the window seat said,\" I think I'll get up and get a coke.\" \"No problem,\" said the attorney, \"I'll get it for you.\" While he was gone, one of the physicians picked up the attorney's shoe and spat in it. When he returned with the coke, the other physician said, \"That looks good, I think I'll have one too.\" Again, the attorney obligingly went to fetch it and while he was gone, the other physician picked up the other shoe and spat in it. The attorney returned and they all sat back and enjoyed the flight. As the plane was landing, the attorney slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened. \"How long must this go on?\" he asked. \"This fighting between our professions? This hatred? This animosity? This spitting in shoes and pissing in cokes" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "School", + "output": "Two guys were taking chemistry at the University of Alabama. They were so confident going into the final that two days before, they decided to go up to the University of Tennessee and party with some friends. They had a great time. However, they overslept and didn't make it back to Alabama until the morning of the exam. Rather than take the final, they found their professor afterward to explain why they missed the final. They told him that they went up to the University of Tennessee for the weekend, and had planned to come back in time to study, but that they had a flat tire on the way back, and didn't have a spare, and couldn't get help for a long time, so they were late in getting back to campus. The professor thought this over and told them they could make up the final on the following day. The two guys were relieved. They studied that night and went in the next day for the final. The professor placed them in separate rooms, and handed each of them a test booklet and told them to begin. They looked at the first problem, which was worth 5 points. It was something simple. \"Cool,\" they thought. \"This is going to be easy.\" They did that problem and then turned the page. Question #2 said: \"Which tire?\" (95 Points)." + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Love & Romance", + "output": "Three men are involved in a car crash on December 24th and arrive at the pearly gates where they are met by Saint Peter who tells them that because it is Christmas eve they must go back to the car and find something related to Christmas and give it to him in order to enter heaven. The first man goes back, looks under the front seat, finds a Christmas card and rushes back to Saint Peter and is promply let in. The second man looks in the trunk and finds some miseltoe and rushes back to Saint Peter and is also let in. The third man was having no luck finding anything in the car and starts to panic knowing that he will never enter heaven if he dosen't come up with something associated with Christmas. He had about given up when he looks into the glove compartment where he finds a pair of sexy underpants...it is almost midnight, so he figures he has nothing to lose and quickly sprints off. He runs up to golden gates and hands the panties to Saint Peter...the perplexed saint holds them gingerly between finger and thumb and says \"what do these have to do with Christmas ?\" the man sheepishly says \"they're Carols?\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Police Jokes", + "output": "Five tourists in an Audi Quattro arrive at a border crossing. The customs officer waves them over. \"It is illegal to put 5 people in a Quattro,\" he says. \"What do you mean illegal?\" asks the driver. \"Quattro means four,\" replies the officer. \"Quattro is just the name of the automobile,\" the driver retorts. \"Look at the manual; this car is designed to carry five persons.\" \"You can't pull that one on me,\" replies the officer. \"Quattro means four. You have five people in your car and you are, therefore, breaking the law.\" \"You idiot!\" the driver cries angrily. \"Call your supervisor over - I want to speak to someone with more intelligence!\" \"Sorry,\" responds the officer, \"the Sergeant is busy with two newlyweds in a Fiat Uno.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Family, Parents", + "output": "A seven year old boy goes to the hospital with his grandmother to visit his grandfather. When they arrive there he runs ahead of his granny and bursts into his grandpa's room. \"Grandpa, as soon as Grandma comes into the room, make a noise like a frog,\" he shouted. \"What for?\" asked his grandpa. \"Grandma said that as soon as you croaked, we're going to Disneyland\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Military", + "output": "Woman: \"Is there a problem officer?\"Officer: \"Ma'am you were speeding.\"Woman: \"Oh, I see.\"Officer: \"Can I see your license please?\"Woman: \"I'd give it to you, but I don't have one.\" Officer: \"Don't have one?\" Woman: \"Lost it 4 times for drinking.\"Officer: \"I see, can I have your vehicle registration papers please?\"Woman: \"I can't do that.\"Officer: \"why not?\"Woman: \"I Stole this car and hacked up the owner.\" Officer: \"You what?\"Woman: \"His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see.\"The officer looks at the woman, slowly backs away from his car,and calls for back-up. within 5 minutes five police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half-drawn gun. Senior Officer: \"Ma'am could you step out of your vehicle please!\"woman: \"Is there a problem officer?\"Senior Officer: \"one of my men told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner. Woman: \"Murdered the owner!\" Senior Officer: \"yes, could you please open the trunk of your car please. The woman opens the trunk revealing nothing but an empty trunk.Senior Officer: \"Is this your car ma'am\"? Woman: \"Yes, here are my registration papers. The first officer is stunned. Senior Officer: \"One of my men claims that you do not have a driver's license.The woman digs into her bookbag and draws out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer. The officer looks quite puzzled as he glances at the license. Senior Officer: \"I'm sorry ma'am. One of my men claims that you didn't have a license, stole this car and murdered the owner.\" Woman: \"Betcha the lyin' bastard told you I was speeding too!\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Sports", + "output": "February 10, 2003 It's Saturday morning and John's just about to set off on a round of golf when he realizes that he forgot to tell his wife that the guy who fixes the washing machine is coming around at noon. So John heads back to the clubhouse and phones home.\"Hello?\" says a little girl's voice.\"Hi, honey, it's Daddy,\" says John. \"Is Mommy near the phone?\"\"No, Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Fred.\"After a brief pause, John says, \"But you haven't got an Uncle Fred, honey!\"\"Yes, I do, and he's upstairs in the bedroom with Mommy!\"\"Okay, then. Here's what I want you do. Put down the phone, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout in to Mommy and Uncle Fred that my car's just pulled up outside the house.\"\"Okay, Daddy!\" A few minutes later, the little girl comes back to the phone. \"Well, I did what you said, Daddy.\"\"And what happened?\"\"Well, Mommy jumped out of bed and ran around screaming, then she tripped over the rug and went out the front window and now she's all dead.\"\"Oh, my God! What about Uncle Fred?\"\"He jumped out of bed too, and he was all scared, and he jumped out the back window into the swimming pool. But he must have forgot that last week you took out all the water to clean it, so he hit the bottom of the swimming pool and now he's dead too.\"There is a long pause.\"Swimming pool? Sorry wrong number." + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Medical", + "output": "Jim and Mary were both patients in a Mental Hospital. One day while theywere walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sunk to the bottom and stayed there. Mary promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out. When the medical director became aware of Mary's heroic act he immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as he now considered her to be mentally stable. When he went to tell Mary the news he said, \"Mary, I have good news andbad news. The good news is you're being discharged because since you wereable to jump in and save the life of another patient, I think you've regained your senses. The bad news is, Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself with his bathrobe belt in the bathroom. I am so sorry, but he's dead.\" Mary replied \"He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Military", + "output": "Police officers George and Mary, had been assigned to walk the beat.They had only been out a short while when Mary said, \"Damn, I was running late this morning after my workout and after I showered, I forgot to put on my panties! We have to go back to the station to get them.\"George replied, \"We don't have to go back, just give the K-9unit, Fido, one sniff, and he will go fetch them for you.\"It was a hot day and Mary didn't fell like heading back to thestation, so she lifted her skirt for the dog. Fido's noseshoots between her legs, sniffing and snorting.After 10 seconds of sniffing, Fido's ears pick up, he sniffsthe wind, and he is off in a flash towards the station house.Five minutes go by and no sign of Fido.Ten minutes pass, and the dog is nowhere to be seen.Fifteen minutes pass, and they are starting to worry.Twenty minutes pass, and they hear sirens in the distance.The sirens get louder and louder. Suddenly, followed by adozen police cars, Fido rounds the corner with the DeskSergeant's balls in his mouth." + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Medical", + "output": "A man is lying in bed in a Catholic hospital with an oxygen mask over his mouth. A young auxiliary nurse appears to sponge his face and hands. \"Nurse,\" he mumbles from behind the mask, \"Are my testicles black?\" Embarrassed the young nurse replies, \"I don't know, I'm only here to wash your face and hands.\" He struggles again to ask, \"Nurse, Are my testicles black?\" Again the nurse replies, \"I can't tell. I'm only here to wash your face and hands.\" The ward sister was passing and saw the man getting a little distraught so she marched over to inquire what was wrong. \"Sister,\" he mumbled, \"Are my testicles black?\" Being a nurse of longstanding, the sister was undaunted. She whipped back the bedclothes, pulled down his pajama trousers, moved his member out of the way, had a good look, pulled up the pajamas, replaced the bedclothes and announced, \"Nothing is wrong with them!!!\" At this the man pulled off his oxygen mask and asked again, \"Are my test results back???" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Marriage", + "output": "Once there was a man who every week bought a lottery ticket in the local liquor store. He really didn't expect to win until one day he jumped in joy when he found out that he won 30 million dollars. The man immidiatly ran to his car, drove home at full speed, pulled up the drive way, ran inside the house slamed the front door behind him. As soon as he saw his wife, he said \"Honey, I've won the lottery so pack your bags!!!\" The man's wife leaping in joy asked him; \"What should I pack for?, for hiking, mountain climbing or sun bathing honey!?\"\"For what ever you want, Just make sure you're out by the end of the week!!!\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Aviation", + "output": "Oncer there was three men in an airplaine (White, Chinese, and Mexican) and were throwing out the door things that they had in adbundence in their countries. The Chinese opened the door of the plane and threw an cabbage. Later the mexican stepped up and threw an orange and finally the white man stepped up and threw a grenade.A couple of minutes later they got off the palne and started walking down the street when the suddenly saw a homeless man cursing . One of the men asked him \"Whats wrong?\" The homeless man answered \"God damned me. I asked him to feed me and all he sent me from heaven was a misserable cabbage. The men kept walking and a few blocks further down the street they came accross another homeless man who was weeping. One of the men approached the second homeless man and asked him. \"Are you ok? What's wrong?\" The homeless man looked at at him and said \"I asked God to feed me with at least a few crumbs of bread and he sent me a whole orange!\" The men continued walking even further down the street when suddenly they came accross a 13 year old boy who was laughing uncontrollably. One of the men asked him \"Young man? May I asked what is so funny?\" The young boy kept laughing and in the first gasp of air he managed to breath he said \"SEE THAT HOUSE BEHIND ME? I FARTED SO LOUD IT BLEW UP!!!!\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Heaven and Hell", + "output": "Giraffe and bunny meet up in the forest. Giraffe, in his usual arrogant way starts up a conversation.\"So, bunny, do you know how great it is to have such a long neck?\" he asks, a faint tone of smugness in his voice.\"I'm sure I don't,\" replies bunny, obviously not really that interested.\"Well, to begin with, when I'm hungry and I chew my beautiful leaves, how can I describe the sensation of the leaves going down my throat....they go down and down and down....it's one hour of sheer pleasure.\"\"Really, how fascinating,\" replies bunny, one eyebrow raised.Oblivious to bunny's lack of enthusiasm, giraffe continues, \"And when I'm thirsty, and I drink water, for a full hour it goes down....and down....and down...It's heaven on earth!\"\"Amazing,\" comments bunny,\"but just one question. Have you ever thrown up?\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Medical", + "output": "A teacher just taught her class how to describe stuff, using colors and size. She then decides to play a guessing game with them. She asks, \"what fruit is red both on the inside and the outside?\" A very smart little boy by the name of Johnny, jumped up and answers, \"it's a strawberry.\" The teacher replied, \"no dear, but you're thinking, you're thinking.\"She then asks, \"what is yellow on the inside and sometimes yellow and green on the outside?\" The same little boy jumps up and shouts, \"an orange.\" The teacher smiled patiently and said, \"no Johnny, but you're thinking, you're thinking.\"She then offered them the chance to quiz her. Again, Johnny hollers out and asks, \"what is long, brown, has a red head and in my pants?\"Apalled by his question, she sent him to the corner. He then looked at her and said, \"no miss, it's my pencil, but you're thinking, you're thinking!\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Money", + "output": "You know you're from Canada when ... 1. You only know three spices: salt, pepper and ketchup. 2. You design your Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit. 3. The mosquitoes have landing lights. 4. You have more miles on your snow blower than your car. 5. You have 10 favorite recipes for moose meat. 6. Canadian Tire on any Saturday is busier than the toy stores at Christmas. 7. You live in a house that has no front step, yet the door is one meter above the ground. 8. You've taken your kids trick-or-treating in a blizzard. 9. Driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled in with snow. 10.You think sexy lingerie is tube-socks and a flannel nightie with only 8 buttons. 11.You owe more money on your snowmobile than your car. 12.The local paper covers national and international headlines on 2 pages, but requires 6 pages for hockey. 13.At least twice a year, the kitchen doubles as a meat processing plant. 14.The most effective mosquito repellent is a shotgun. 15.Your snow blower gets stuck on the roof. 16.You think the start of deer season is a national holiday. 17.You head south to go to your cottage. 18.You frequently clean grease off your barbecue so the bears won't prowl on your deck. 19.You know which leaves make good toilet paper. 20.The major parish fund-raiser isn't bingo it's sausage making. 21.You find -40C a little chilly. 22.The trunk of your car doubles as a deep freeze. 23.You attend a formal event in your best clothes, your finest jewelry and your Sorrels. 24.You can play road hockey on skates. 25.You know 4 seasons: Winter, Still Winter, almost Winter and Construction. 26.The municipality buys a Zamboni before a bus. 27.You understand the Labatt Blue commercials. 28.You perk up when you hear the theme from \"Hockey Night in Canada\". 29.You actually get these jokes and forward them to all your Canadian friends." + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Blind Jokes", + "output": "An elderly couple was driving across the country. While the woman was behind the wheel, the couple was pulled over by the highway patrol. \"Ma'am, did you know you were speeding?\" the officer said. The woman, hard of hearing, turned to her husband and asked, \"What did he say?\" \"He said you were speeding!\" the old man yelled. The patrolman then asked, \"May I see your license?\" The woman turned to her husband again, \"What did he say?\" The old man yelled back, \"He wants to see your license!\" The woman then gave the officer her license. \"I see you are from Arkansas,\" the patrolman said. \"I spent some time there once and went on a blind date with the ugliest woman I've ever seen.\"The woman turned to her husband again and asked, \"What did he say?\" The old man replied, \"He said he knows you!\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Old Age", + "output": "Two old guys were sitting in the park, talking, when the subject turned to getting older. The first guy said \"Women have all the luck when it comes to getting older.\" \"What do you mean?\" asked the second guy. \"Well,\" replied the first. \"I can barely remember the last time I got aroused in bed, but my wife is healthier than ever!\" \"Healthier? How is that?\" his buddy wondered. \"Years ago, when we were younger, almost every night before bed she'd get these terrible headaches.\" he answered. \"Now that we're older, she hasn't had a headache in years.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Marriage", + "output": "Sadie's husband Jake has been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet his faithful wife stays by his bedside day and night. One night, Jake comes to and motions for her to come closer. He says, \"My Sadie, you have been with me through all the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you gave me support. When my health started failing, you were still by my side. You know what, Sadie?\" \"What Dear?\" she asked gently. \"I think you're bad luck.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Military", + "output": "January 20, 2003 A fellow bought a new Mercedes and was out on an interstate road for a nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through his hair and he decided to open her up. As the needle jumped up to 80mph he suddenly saw a flashing red and blue light behind him. \"There ain't no way they can catch a Mercedes,\" he thought to himself and opened her up further. The needle hit 90, 100, 110 and finally 120 with the lights still behind him. \"What in hell am I doing?\" he thought and pulled over. The cop came up to him, took his license without a word and examined it and the car. \"I've had a tough shift and this is my last pull over. I don't feel like more paperwork so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before you can go!\" \"Last week my wife ran off with a cop,\" the man said, \"and I was afraid you were trying to give her back!\" \"Have a nice night\", said the officer." + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Heaven and Hell", + "output": "Once this girl named Mary died in a car crash and went up to heaven.When she got there, there was an angel there.Mary was dumbfounded when she turned around and saw a whole bunch of clocks.Mary asked the angel why were there clocks on the wall. The angel said \"Oh the clocks are for all the people that died and the clocks calculate all the sins that person made in his or hers lifetime.So Mary asked where was Abraham Lincoln's? The angel said \"Oh it's that one over there, the clock went only 2 times to the right cause he only sined 2 times.\" \"Where's Mother Teresa's?\" Mary asked \"Well that one is on your left, since she didn't sin, The clocked never moved.\" \"So where's Bill Clinton's clock?\" Mary questioned. \"Um...I think that one is in Jesus's Workshop. Because I mean ever since the Monica incident, the clock went haywire!\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Aviation", + "output": "It seems that a young couple had just gotten married and spent their wedding night with the young man's parents.In the morning the mother got up and prepared a lovely breakfast, went to the bottom of the stairs and called for them to come down for breakfast.After a long wait the family ate without the newlyweds. The mother said, \"I wonder why they never came down to eat?\" The grooms young brother said, \"Mommy, I think -- \" \"Oh shut up, I don't want to hear what you think!\" said the mother, not wanting to hear any inappropriate comments from the younger brother.At lunch time the mother again prepared a wonderful meal and again called the young couple to eat. After another long wait the family proceeded to eat, and after the meal was completed the mother once again said, \"I wonder why they never came down to eat?\" Once again the younger brother started to speak, but was interrupted by the mother.At dinner time once again the mother cooked a very elaborate meal, had the table set perfect and called the newlyweds to join the family for dinner. After another long wait the mother once again questioned why they had not come downstairs all day. The young lad once again said, \"Mommy I think -- \" \"Well what is it that you think?\" asked the mother rather irritated. \"I think that when my big brother came down to get the Vaseline last night, he got my model plane glue instead.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Military", + "output": "This is a transcript of an ACTUAL radio communication between a U.S. NAVY ship and Canadian authorities off the cost of Newfoundland, October 1995. Radio log released by the Chief of Naval Operations 10/10/95: WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP." + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Business", + "output": "The new company recruit was lazy. One morning he dialed the number of the cafeteria, but got the wrong number... When someone picked the phone he said, \"I'm don't feel like working today. Can you send up a coffee and a muffin, and I'll just sit around and read the paper?\" \"Do you know whom you are talking to?\" the other side asked. \"No.\" he replied. \"You are talking to the director of this company!\" the other side replied. Then our friend asked, \"do you know who is talking on this side?\" \"No.\" the director replied. \"Good.\" And he put the phone down." + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Miscellaneous", + "output": "1. Only in Canada......can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance. 2. Only in Canada......are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink. 3. Only in Canada......do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front. 4. Only in Canada.....do people order double cheese burgers, large fries, and a diet coke. 5. Only in Canada......do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters. 6. Only in Canada......do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage. 7. Only in Canada......do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place. 8. Only in Canada......do we buy hot dogs in packages of twelve and buns in packages of eight. 9. Only in Canada.....do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process so well: 'Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'. 10. Only in Canada......do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering." + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Aviation", + "output": "Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson go on a camping trip, set up their tent, and fall asleep. Some hours later, Holmes wakes his faithful friend. \"Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see.\" Watson replies, \"I see millions of stars.\" \"What does that tell you?\" Watson ponders for a minute. \"Astronomically speaking, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Timewise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, it's evident the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?\" Holmes is silent for a moment, then speaks. \"Watson, you idiot, someone has stolen our tent.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Idiots", + "output": "Man approaches to greet a new neighbor who is just moving into the house next door and asks what he does for a living. Neighbor 1: I am a professor at the University, I teach deductive reasoning. Man: Deductive reasoning? What is that? Neighbor 1: Let me give you an example. I see you have a dog house out back. By that I deduce that you have a dog. Man: That's right. Neighbor 1: The fact that you have a dog, leads me to deduce that you have a family. Man: Right again. Neighbor 1: Since you have a family I deduce that you have a wife. Man: Correct. Neighbor 1: And since you have a wife, I can deduce that you are heterosexual. Man: Yup. Neighbor 1: That is deductive reasoning. Man: Cool. .....Later that same day... Man: Hey I was talking to that new neighbor next door. Neighbor 2: Is he a nice guy? Man: Yes, and he has an interesting job. Neighbor 2: Oh, yeah? What does he do? Man: He is a professor of deductive reasoning at the University. Neighbor 2: Deductive reasoning? What's that? Man: Let me give you an example. Do you have a dog house? Neighbor 2: No. Man: Queer!" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Idiots", + "output": "Two guys were walkin' down a grassy road, houses to the left, houses to the right. Soon, they came across a strange lookin' pile o' somethin' on the ground. First dude: \"Hey, I wonder what this is\" Second dude: \"It's smelly and awful\" 1st: \"It's brown and nasty\" 2nd: \"Why don't you taste it?\" So the first dude sticked his finger in it, tasted it, and made a face. 1st: \"Argh...I think it's dog poop\" 2nd: \"Well, at least we didn't step in it\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Holidays", + "output": "So you want a day off. Let's take a look at what you are asking for:There are 365 days per year available for work. There are 52 weeks per year in which you already have 2 days off per week, leaving 261 days available for work. Since you spend 16 hours each day away from work, you have used up 170 days, leaving only 91 days available.You spend 30 minutes each day on coffee break, which counts for 23 days each year, leaving only 68 days available. With a 1 hour lunch each day, you used up another 46 days, leaving only 22 days available for work.You normally spend 2 days per year on sick leave. This leaves you only 20 days per year available for work. We are off 5 holidays per year, so your available working time is down to 15 days. We generously give 14 days vacation per year, which leaves only 1 day available for work and I'll be darned if you are going to take that day off!" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Love & Romance", + "output": "A man is sitting in the bar when he notices another patron a fewstools away. The guy had a body like Charles Atlas but his headwas the size of a thimble. The first man said, \"Please excuse me for staring but I can'thelp but be curious as to why your body is so well developed butyour head is so small.\" The man says, \"Buy me a drink and I'lltell you.\" The drink was bought and the story began. \"I was in the navy and my ship was sunk by a torpedo. I was theonly survivor and I managed to make it to a deserted island afew miles away. I had been there for several months and wassitting on the beach one day waiting for a bird or a fish tocome by, so I would have something to eat. Looking up I saw amermaid sunning on a nearby rock. She swam over to me andinformed me that she was a magical mermaid and could grant me 3wishes. \"Great, I'd like to be rescued.\" She slapped the water with hertail and a ship appeared, sailing straight for my island. Next I asked for a body like Charles Atlas. Another slap of hertail and here it is. Then noticing how beautiful she was and all my other wishedfulfilled I asked if I could make love to her. She said no, itjust wouldn't work, her being half fish and all, so I said\"Well, how about a little head then?\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Family, Parents", + "output": "A gentleman, fresh out of gift ideas, bought his mother-in- law a large plot in an expensive cemetery. On her next birthday, he bought her nothing.She was quick to comment, loud and long, on his thoughtlessness. The gentleman said only one thing - \"Well, you haven't used the gift I gave you last year.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Money", + "output": "At age 5 success is not peeing in your pantsAt age 10 success is having friendsAt age 16 success is having your driver's licenseAt age 20 success is having sexAt age 35 success is having moneyAt age 50 success is having moneyAt age 65 success is having sexAt age 70 success is having your driver's licenseAt age 75 success is having friendsAt age 80 success is not peeing in your pants" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Money", + "output": "Five cannibals get appointed as programmers in an IT company. During the welcoming ceremony the boss says: \"You're all part of our team now. You can earn good money here, and you can go to the company canteen for something to eat. So don't trouble the other employees.\" The cannibals promise not to trouble the other employees. Four weeks later the boss returns and says: \"You're all working very hard, and I'm very satisfied with all of you. One of our cleaners has disappeared however. Do any of you know what happened to her?\" The cannibals disavow all knowledge of the missing cleaner. After the boss has left, the leader of the cannibals says to the others: \"Which of you idiots ate the cleaner?\" A hand raises hesitantly, to which the leader of the cannibals says: \"You fool! For four weeks we've been eating Team Leaders, Managers, and Project Managers so no-one would notice anything, and you have to go and eat the cleaner!\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Medical", + "output": "A cardiac specialist died and at his funeral the coffin was placed in front of a huge mock up of a heart made up of flowers. When the pastor finished with the sermon and eulogy, and after everyone said their good-byes, the heart opened, the coffin rolled inside and the heart closed. Just then one of the mourners burst into laughter. The guy next to him asked: \"Why are you laughing?\" \"I was thinking about my own funeral,\" the man replied. \"What's so funny about that?\" \"I'm a gynecologist.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Family, Parents", + "output": "The family wheeled Grandma out on the lawn, in her wheelchair, where the activities for her 100th birthday were taking place. Grandma couldn't speak very well, but she could write notes when she needed to communicate. After a short time out on the lawn, Grandma started leaning off to the right, so some family members grabbed her, straightened her up, and stuffed pillows on her right.A short time later, she started leaning off to her left, so again the family grabbed her and stuffed pillows on her left. Soon she started leaning forward, so the family members again grabbed her, then tied a pillowcase around her waist to hold her up.A nephew who arrived late came running up to Grandma and said, \"Hi Grandma, you're looking good! How are they treating you?\"Grandma took out her little notepad and slowly wrote a note to the nephew, \"They won't let me fart.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Bar Jokes", + "output": "An old man was sitting on a bench at the mall. A young man walked up to the bench and sat down. He had spiked hair all different colors, green, red, orange, blue, and yellow. The old man just stared. The young man said, \"What's the matter old timer, never done anything wild in your life?\" The old man replied, \"Got drunk once and had sex with a parrot. I was just wondering if you were my son.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Love & Romance", + "output": "13. The check is in the mail. 12. You get this one, I'll pay next time. 11. You look great. 10. Of course I love you. 9. It's not the money, it's the principle of the thing. 8. ...but we can still be good friends. 7. She means nothing to me. 6. Don't worry, I can go another 20 miles when the gauge is on \"empty.\" 5. Don't worry, he's never bitten anyone. 4. I'll call you later. 3. I've never done anything like this before. 2. I'm from your government, and I am here to help you. 1. I DO." + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Office Jokes", + "output": "A fellow had just been hired as the new CEO of a large high tech corporation. The CEO who was stepping down met with him privately and presented him with three numbered envelopes. \"Open these if you run up against a problem you don't think you can solve,\" he said.Well, things went along pretty smoothly, but six months later, sales took a downturn and he was really catching a lot of heat. About at his wits's end, he remembered the envelopes. He went to his drawer and took out the first envelope. The message read, \"Blame your predecessor.\"The new CEO called a press conference and tactfully laid the blame at the feet of the previous CEO. Satisfied with his comments, the press -- and Wall Street -- responded positively, sales began to pick up and the problem was soon behind him.About a year later, the company was again experiencing a slight dip in sales, combined with serious product problems. Having learned from his previous experience, the CEO quickly opened the second envelope. The message read, \"Reorganize.\" This he did, and the company quickly rebounded.After several consecutive profitable quarters, the company once again fell on difficult times. The CEO went to his office, closed the door and opened the third envelope. The message said, \"Prepare three envelopes.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Marriage", + "output": "There was this Asian lady married to an English gentleman and they lived in London. The poor lady was not very proficient in English, but managed to communicate with her husband. The real problem arose whenever she had to shop for groceries. One day, she went to the butcher and wanted to buy chicken legs. She didn't know how to put forward her request, and in desperation, lifted up her skirt to show her thighs. The butcher got the message and the lady went home with chicken legs. The next day, she needed to get chicken breasts. Again, she didn't know how say it, and so she unbuttoned her blouse to show the butcher her breast. The lady got what she wanted. The 3rd day, the poor lady needed to buy sausages. Unable to find a way to communicate this, she brought her husband to the store... (Please scroll the page down) What were you thinking? Hellooooooo, her husband speaks English!!!!!" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Love & Romance", + "output": "Father Christmas was not in a very good frame of mind - in fact he was very depressed. That morning after breakfast, Mrs Santa had told him that her Mother wasoming over to stay 'for a few days' and he knew that would be for several weeks, and as Christmas was approaching her visit was the last thing that he wanted. The Elves had neen playing up and had gone on strike for more pay. The replacement elves Santa had put in were much slower and the number of toys that had been made was way down. Father Christmas went to visit his Reindeers and found that two of them were pregnant and another two had kicked down the fence and had disappeared into the forest. He was by now even more depressed. What I need is a drink he thought, but upon going indoors he found that the elves had hidden his Whisky and there was nothing left to drink in his liquour cabinet. Deciding upon a coffee he went into the kitchen but managed to drop the Jar of Coffee all over the floor. Now he really was cheesed off! He went to fetch the broom to sweep up the mess but found that the mice had chewed off all the bristles. At that moment there was a knock at the front door. Upon opening it, Father Christmas was confronted by a beautiful Fairy holding a lovely Christmas Tree. \"Good Morning, Santa\" she called \"Isn't it a really lovely day. I have bought you this beautiful tree, isn't it lovely? Where would you like me to stickit?\" And that is why by tradition we have a Fairy sitting on top of our Christmas Trees." + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Medical", + "output": "A pregnant woman is in a car accident and falls into a deep coma. asleepfor nearly six months, she wakes up and sees that she is no longerpregnant.Frantically, she asks the doctor about her baby. The doctor replies,\"Ma'am, you had twins! A boy and a girl. The babies are fine. Your brother came inand named them.\" The woman thinks to herself, \"Oh no, not my brother, he's an idiot!\"Expecting the worst, she asks the doctor, \"Well, what's the girl's name?\"\"Denise,\" says the doctor.The new mother thinks, \"Wow, that's not a bad name! I guess I was wrongabout my brother. I like Denise!\" Then she asks the doctor, \"What's the boy's name?\" The doctor replies, \"Denephew.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Miscellaneous", + "output": "This is a story about four people named Everybody, Somebody, Anybody and Nobody.There was an important job to be done and Everybody was sure that Somebody would do it.Anybody could have done it, but Nobody did.Somebody got angry about this, because it was Everybody's job.Everybody thought Anybody could do it, but Nobody realized that Everybody wouldn't do it.It ended up that Everybody blamed Somebody when Nobody did what Anybody could have done!" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Miscellaneous", + "output": "3 men were walking home to there house one summer. They all lived right next to each other. All 3 of them had a large swimming pool. They were just getting ready to dive into the pool, when a genie popped out in front of them.\"It's your lucky day!\" said the genie. \"Just jump and say whatever drink you want, and the pool water will turn into it.\"The first man jumped and said \"Budweiser!\" and he jumped into a pool of Budweiser.The second man jumped and said \"Coke!\" and he jumped into a pool of Coke.The third man jumped and said... \"Weeeeeeeee!!\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Deep Thoughts", + "output": "Star Wars vs Titanic 10. Titanic top speed woefully shy of light speed. 9. Leia is a princess, a senator, and a freedom fighter. Rose is engaged. 8. \"...using an old Jedi mind trick\" much more interesting way to get what you want than saying \"Please, I have a child.\" 7. Titanic is egalitarian by portraying poor people as sympathetic characters. Star Wars is egalitarian by promoting bug-eyed amphibians to Admiral. 6. Darth Vader wears black body armor and blows up planets for fun. Cal wears snappy tuxedo and is rude to the poor. 5. Everyone knew the boat was going to sink, but nobody anticipated, \"Luke... I am your father.\" 4. There are always enough escape pods in Star Wars. 3. If Luke were handcuffed to a pipe below decks in a sinking ship, he could use the Force to get the key. 2. Han Solo would've steered clear of that stinkin' iceberg! 1. Sure, Leo can dance, but can he bull's-eye Womp Rats in his T16 back home?" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Sports", + "output": "1. The Wall Street Journal is read by the people who run the country. 2. The Washington Post is read by people who think they run thecountry. 3. The New York Times is read by people who think they should run the country. 4. USA Today is read by people who think they ought to run the countrybut don't really understand the Washington Post. They do, however,like their statistics shown in pie charts. 5. The Los Angeles Times is read by people who wouldn't mind runningthe country, if they could spare the time, and if they didn't have to leave LA to do it. 6. The Boston Globe is read by people whose parents used to run the country and they did a far superior job of it, thank you very much. 7. The New York Daily News is read by people who aren't too sure who's running the country, and don't really care as long as they canget a seat on the train. 8. The New York Post is read by people who don't care who's running the country, as long as they do something really scandalous, preferably while intoxicated. 9. The San Francisco Chronicle is read by people who aren't sure there is a country or that anyone is running it; but whoever it is,they oppose all that they stand for. There are occasional exceptionsif the leaders are handicapped minority feminist atheist dwarfs, whoalso happen to be illegal aliens from ANY country or galaxy as long asthey are Democrats. 10. The Miami Herald is read by people who are running another country but need the baseball scores. 11. The National Enquirer is read by people trapped in line at thegrocery store." + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Money", + "output": "A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, only to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner. \"Good morning,\" said the young man. \"If I could take a couple minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners.\" \"Go away!\" said the old lady. \"I haven't got any money\" and she proceeded to close the door. Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open. \"Don't be too hasty!\" he said. \"Not until you have at least seen my demonstration.\" And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto her hallway carpet. \"If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder.\" \"Well,\" she said, \"I hope you have a damned good appetite, because the electricity was cut off this morning.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Miscellaneous", + "output": "Sir Arthur Conan Doyle, the creator of the world-famous detective Sherlock Holmes, was not above telling self- deprecating tales.In one situation, he was waiting at a taxi stand outside the railway station in Paris. When a taxi pulled up, he placed his suitcase in the car and took a seat next to it.\"Where can I take you, Mr. Doyle?\" asked the taxi driver.Doyle was flabbergasted. He asked the driver whether he knew him by sight.\"No, sir, I have never seen you before.\"The puzzled Doyle asked him how he knew he was Conan Doyle.\"This morning's paper had a story about you being on vacation in Marseilles. This is the taxi-stand where people who return from Marseilles always come to. Your skin color tells me you have been on vacation. The ink-spot on your right index finger suggests to me that you're a writer. Your clothing is very English, and not French. And so, I deduced that you are Sir Arthur Conan Doyle.\"Doyle remarked, \"This is truly amazing. You are a real-life counterpart to my fictional creation, Sherlock Holmes.\"\"There is one other thing,\" the driver said.\"What is that?\"\"Your name is on the front of your suitcase.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Love & Romance", + "output": "A young boy and his doting grandmother were walking along the sea shore when a huge wave appeared out of nowhere, sweeping the child out to sea.The horrified woman fell to her knees, raised her eyes to the heavens and begged the Lord to return her beloved grandson.Lo, another wave reared up and deposited the stunned child on the sand before her.The grandmother looked the boy over carefully. He was fine.But still she stared up angrily toward the heavens. \"When we came,\" she snapped indignantly, \"he had a hat!\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Marriage", + "output": "A man in Phoenix calls his son in New York the day beforeThanksgiving and says, \"I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough.\" \"Pop, what are you talking about?\" the son screams. \"We can't stand the sight of each other any longer,\" the father says. \"We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her.\" Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone.\"Like hell they're getting divorced,\" she shouts, \"I'll take care of this,\" She calls Phoenix immediately, and screams at her father, \"You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?\" and hangs up. The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. \"Okay,\" hesays, \"they're coming for Thanksgiving and paying their own way.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Marriage", + "output": "Joe asks his wife, Karen, what she wants for their 40th wedding anniversary. \"Would you like a new Mink coat?\" he asks. \"Not really,\" says Karen. \"Well how about a new Mercedes sports car?\" says Joe. \"No,\" she responds. \"What about a new vacation home in the country?\" he suggests. She again rejects his offer with a \"No thanks.\" \"Well, what would you like for your anniversary?\" Joe asks. \"Joe, I'd like a divorce,\" answers Karen. \"Sorry, I wasn't planning to spend that much,\" says Joe." + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Idiots", + "output": "Read each of the following lines out loud. This is this cat This is is cat This is how cat This is to cat This is keep cat This is an old cat This is idiot cat This is busy cat This is for cat This is forty cat This is seconds cat Now, go back and read the THIRD word in each line, starting at the top." + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Medical", + "output": "Three old men are at the doctor's office for a memory test.The doctor says to the first old man, \"What is three times three?\"\"274,\" was his reply.The doctor worriedly says to the second man, \"It's your turn. What is three times three?\"\"Tuesday\" replies the second man.The doctor sadly says to the third man, \"Okay, your turn. What's three times three\"?\"Nine\" says the third man.\"That's great!\" exclaims the doctor. \"How did you get that\"?\"Jeez, Doc, it's pretty simple,\" says the third man. \"I just subtracted 274 from Tuesday.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Miscellaneous", + "output": "This is the best lawyer story of the year, decade and probably the century.A Charlotte, NC, lawyer purchased a box of very rare and expensive cigars,then insured them against fire among other things. Within a month having smoked his entire stockpile of these great cigars and without yet having made even his first premium payment on the policy, the lawyer filed claim against the insurance company.In his claim, the lawyer stated the cigars were lost \"in a series of small fires.\"The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason: that the man had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion. The lawyer sued....and won!In delivering the ruling the judge agreed with the insurance company that the claim was frivolous. The Judge stated nevertheless, that the lawyer held a policy from the company in which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable and also guaranteed that it would insure them against fire,without defining what is considered to be unacceptable fire,\" and was obligated to pay the claim.Rather than endure lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance company accepted the ruling and paid $15,000.00 to the lawyer for his loss of the rare cigars lost in the \"fires.\"NOW FOR THE BEST PART... After the lawyer cashed the check, the insurance company had him arrested on 24 counts of ARSON!!!! With his own insurance claim andtestimony from the previous case being used against him, the lawyer was convicted of intentionally burning his insured property and was sentenced to 24 months in jail and a $24,000.00 fine.This is a true story and was the 1st place winner in the recent Criminal Lawyers Award Contest.ONLY IN AMERICA" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Farmers", + "output": "One day a horse and a chicken were walking along on the farm, talking quietly to themselves. All of a sudden, the horse falls into a hole that he didn't see. The horse says to the chicken, \"Go get the farmer. He'll know what to do.\" So, the chicken runs off. About 10 minutes later, the horse hears a car, and he sees the chicken's head peer over the top of the hole. The chicken says, \"I couldn't find the farmer, but I got his car. Hold this rope, and I'll try to drag you out.\" So, after a few minutes, the horse was safely out of the hole. About a month later, both had forgotten all about the hole. They were once again talking and walking about the farm, when all of a sudden, the chicken falls into the same hole. The chicken says to the horse, \"Go get the farmer; he'll know what to do.\" But the horse walks around the hole and says, \"I think I can stand over the hole. Grab my thingy, and I'll pull you out.\" And so, about 5 minutes later, the chicken was safely out of the hole. This time, they remembered the hole, and never got stuck again. Moral: If you're hung like a horse, you don't need a car to pick up a chick!" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Love & Romance", + "output": "There are many different pickup lines: 1. Hi, i lost my phone number, can i borrow yours? 2. Hi im new in town, can you give me directions to your house? 3. Hi im a matress sampler, can i test yours? 4. Hi, do you believe in love at first sight or should i walk by again? 5. Hi im a great person. want to screw? 6. Hi, im a game show host. if you're good in bed i have to give you $10,000. 7. Hi, im a doctor, need a physical? 8. Hi, i lost my virginity, can you help me find it? 9. can i call the police? you've stolen my heart. 10. (grabbing victims' body part) HELP! I CANT SEE ANYTHING!! 11. You theif! You've stolen my heart and you wont give it back. 12. Is it hot in here or is it just you? (for women to mem)13. I'm so funny, i'll make you laugh LONG and HARD! 14. I'm so big you wont know what went into you. 15. Wanna go out back? I have something to show you." + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Crazy Jokes", + "output": "Once there were two twins, Joe and John. Joe was the owner of a dilapidated old boat. It so happened that John's wife died the same day that Joe's boat sank. A few days later, a kindly old woman saw Joe a mistook him for John. She said, 'I'm sorry to hear about your loss. You must just feel terrible.'Joe thinking that she was talking about his boat, said, 'Hell no in fact is I'm sort of glad to be rid of her. She was a rotten old thing right from the beginning. Her bottom was all shriveled up and she smelled like old dead fish. She was always losing her water, she had a bad crack in the back and a pretty big hole in the front too. Every time I used her, her hole got bigger and she leaked like crazy.I guess what finally finished her off was when I rented her to these four guys looking for a good time. I warned them that she wasn't very good, but they wanted to use her anyhow. The fools tried to get in her all at once and she split right up the middle. 'The old lady fainted." + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Medical", + "output": "A man goes to the hosital because he is having pains in his stomach. He tells the doc what is wrong and the doc says \"You have constipation, you will need to take one of these suppository's every 6 hours for a week. I can help you with the first one.\" So, reluctantly, the man drops his pants, bends over, and the doc shoves it in. Later, at home, he is having a little trouble inserting the next one, so he asks his wife for help. He tells her what to do, drops his pants and bends over. She then puts one hand on his shoulder and starts pushing it in. \"Damn!\" the guy screams, \"What? Did I hurt you?\" his wife replies. \"No,\" said the man \"But I just realized something...the doctor put 2 hands on my shoulders!!!\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Crazy Jokes", + "output": "Little Leroy went to his mother demanding a new bicycle. His Mother decided that he should take a look at himself and the way he acts. She said, \"Well, Leroy, it isn't Christmas and we don't have the money to just go out and buy you anything you want. Why don't you write a letter to Jesus and pray for one instead?\" After Leroy threw a temper tantrum, his mother sent him to his room, where he finally sat down to write a letter to Jesus. Dear Jesus, I've been a good boy this year and would appreciate a new bicycle. Your friend, Leroy. Now, Leroy knew that Jesus really understood what kind of boy he was - a brat - so Leroy ripped up the letter and decided to give it another try. Dear Jesus, I've been an OK boy this year, and I want a new bicycle. Yours truly, Leroy Well, Leroy knew this wasn't totally honest either, so he tore it up and tried again. Dear Jesus, I've thought about being a good boy this year, and can I have a bicycle? Leroy Leroy looked deep down into his heart (which, by the way, was what his mother really wanted). He knew he had been terrible and was deserving of almost nothing. He crumpled up the letter, threw it in the trash can, and went running outside. He aimlessly wandered about the streets, depressed because of the way he had treated his parents. For the first time, he really considered his actions. Leroy finally found himself in front of a Catholic Church. He went inside and knelt down, looking around but not knowing what he should really do. Leroy finally got up and began to walk out the door and was looking at all the statues. All of a sudden, he grabbed a small statue and ran out the door. He went home, hid it under his bed, and wrote this letter: Jesus, I've got your mama. If you ever want to see her again, give me a bike. From, You know who.?\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Bar Jokes", + "output": "This guy met a woman at a bar and she took him home to have sex. Afterwards when he is getting dressed, he sees a picture of some guy on her dresser. He asks her who the picture is of and she replies, \"Don't worry about it.\" He then says, \"Well is that your husband?\" She says that it is not. \"Well, is that your boyfriend?\" Again she says no. The guy then says, \"Well then, who the hell is it?\" She replies, \"It was me before my operation.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Money", + "output": "A san diego patrolman pulled over a driver and told him that because he was wearing his seat belt, he had just won $5000 in a safety competition. \"what are you going to do with the money? \"the officer asked.\"i guess i\"ll go to driving school and get my license, \" the man answered.\"don't listen to him,\" said the woman in the passanger seat. \"he's a smart alect when he is drunk.\"This woke up the man in the back seat, who saw the cop and said, \"i knew we wouldn't get far in a stolen car.\"Then there was a knock from the trunk, and a voice asked in spanish, \"are we over the border yet?\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Bar Jokes", + "output": "After being married for 27 years this guy tells his wife that he is bored and is going to the bar to have a drink. As he enters the bar this gorgeous blond call him over. She says instead of you staying down here and drinking why don't you come upstairs to my apartment and we can drink and have sex all night. He is dumbfounded but decides to go. After a night of drinking and crazy sex he falls asleep and when he awakes he looks at the clock and says . O my god it's 3:00 A.m. I must go . It was great but you know I'm a married man and I don't want my wife to find out about this. She says don't worry it was just a one night stand. As he is leaving he says thank you and then asks her if she had any powder. She gives him the powder and he rubs it on his hands. He then leaves to go home. As he opens the door his wife is standing there all pissed off. She says \"and where were you\", He replies I was at the bar and I met this gorgeous woman and she invited me up to her place for drinks and a night of wild sex. She says \"let me see your hands\" He put out his hands and she says \"DON'T LIE TO ME YOU WENT BOWLING\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Medical", + "output": "A man sees a woman joging down the street while throwing back her arms, pushing her chest out and repeating \"I must, I must, increase my bust. Totally puzzled by this the man stops her. MAN: Why are you doing that. WOMAN: My doctor told me that doing this exercise and repeating I MUST, I MUST, INCREASE MY BUST, would help me get bigger boobs. MAN: It's wasn't doctor Simpson by any chance was it. WOMAN: Yes, but how did you know that. MAN: Oh well, I've been to him too. WOMAN: Really, what for. MAN: Hickory dickory dock ...." + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Animals", + "output": "Hey what are you going to do for a face when that ape wants his butt back? last time I saw a face like yours I fed it a bannana. I usually don't forget a face but for you i'll make an exception Want to know why birds fly upside down over Iowa? because it ain't worth crap Your So Fat that when you walked in a zoo the elephants threw peantuts too you" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Medical", + "output": "This old man visits his doctor and after a thorough examination, the doctor tells him, \"I have good news and bad news, what would you like to hear first?\"Patient: Well, give me the bad news first.Doctor: You have cancer, I estimate that you have about two years left.Patient: That's terrible! In two years, my life will be over! What kind of good news could you probably tell me, after this?Doctor: You also have Alzheimer's. In about three months you are going to forget everything I told you." + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Love & Romance", + "output": "Three guys, a Canadian, Bin Laden, and Uncle Sam are given one wish each by an Arabian genie.The Canadian says \", My family has been in farming for ten generations; I wish for all Canadian land to be fertile.\"POOF he gets his wish.Bin Laden says \", I love the land I live in and I don't want any horrors to enter, I wish for a wall to be built around Afghanistan.\"POOF he gets his wish.Uncle Sam says \", tell me more about this wall.\"\"Well, it is ten feet thick, 4,000 feet high and inpenetrable.\"\"Fill it with water.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Miscellaneous", + "output": "A guy goes into a costume shop. He says, \"I'm going to a Halloween party, and I want to go as Adam.\" The girl brings out a fig leaf. But he says, \"Not big enough!\" So she brings out a bigger one. \"Still not big enough!\" So she brings out a HUGE fig leaf. \"Still not big enough!\" he proudly tells her. So she says, \"Listen, Ace, why don't you just throw it over your shoulder and go as a gasoline pump?\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Money", + "output": "1. \"Better save that. We'll need it for the autopsy.\" 2. \"Someone call the janitor - we're going to need a mop.\" 3. \"Accept this sacrifice, O Great Lord of Darkness\" 4. \"Bo! Bo! Come back with that! Bad Dog!\" 5. \"Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what's that?\" 6. \"Hand me that...uh...that uh.....thingie.\" 7. \"Oh no! I just lost my Rolex.\" 8. \"Oops! Hey, has anyone ever survived 500ml of this stuff before?\" 9. \"Damn, there go the lights again....\" 10. \"Ya know, there's big money in kidneys. Hell, the guy's got two of them.\" 11. \"What do you mean you want a divorce?\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Aviation", + "output": "The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories. Ashley said, \"My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg laying hens. One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the car when we hit a big bump in the road and all the eggs went flying and broke and made a mess.\" \"What's the moral of the story?\" asked the teacher. \"Don't put all your eggs in one basket!\" \"Very good,\" said the teacher. Next little Sarah raised her hand and said, \"Our family are farmers too. But we raise chickens for the meat market. We had a dozen eggs one time, but when they hatched we only got ten live chicks, and the moral to this story is, \"don't count your chickens before they're hatched.\" \"That was a fine story Sarah. Michael, do you have a story to share?\" Yes, my daddy told me this story about my Uncle Mike. Uncle Mike was a flight engineer in the Gulf War and his plane got hit. He had to bail out over enemy territory and all he had was a bottle of whiskey, a machine gun and a machete. He drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break and then he landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops. He killed seventy of them with the machine gun until he ran out of bullets. Then he killed twenty more with the machete until the blade broke. And then he killed the last ten with his bare hands.\" Good heavens,\" said the horrified teacher, \"what kind of moral did your daddy tell you from that horrible story?\" \"Stay the hell away from Uncle Mike when he's been drinking.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Miscellaneous", + "output": "A man with a bald head and a wooden leg gets invited to a fancy costume party. He doesn't know what costume to wear to hide his head and his leg...so he writes to a fancy dress company to explain the problem.A few days later he receives a parcel with a note: \"Dear Sir, please find enclosed a pirates outfit. The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head and with your wooden leg you will be just right as a pirate.\" The man thinks this is terrible because they have just emphasized his wooden leg, so he writes a rude letter of complaint.A week passes and he receives another parcel and a note which says:\"Dear Sir, sorry about before, please find enclosed a monk's habit. The long robe will cover your wooden leg and with your bald head you will really look the part.\" Now the man is really annoyed since they have gone from emphasizing his wooden leg to emphasizing his bald head and he writes the company a REALLY rude letter of complaint.The next day he receives a small parcel and a note which reads:\"Dear Sir, since we have not been able to make you happy, this is our last suggestion, please find enclosed a bottle of molasses. Pour the molasses over your bald head, stick your wooden leg up your ass, and go as a caramel apple!\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Crazy Jokes", + "output": "It was autumn, and the Indians on a remote reservation asked their newChief if the winter was going to be cold or mild.Since he was an Indian Chief in a modern society he had never beentaught the old secrets, so when he looked at the sky he couldn't tell what theweather was going to be.Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he replied to his tribe that thewinter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the villageshould collect wood to be prepared.But also being a practical leader, after several days he got an idea.He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service andasked, \"Is the coming winter going to be cold?\"\"It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold indeed,\" the Meteorologist at the weather service responded. So the Chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more wood in order to be prepared.One week later he called the National Weather Service again. \"Is it going to be a very cold winter?\"\"Yes,\" the man at National Weather Service again replied, \"it's going to be a very cold winter.\"The Chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect Every scrap of wood they could find.Two weeks later he called the National Weather Service again. \"Are youabsolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?\"\"Absolutely,\" the man replied. \"It's going to be one of the coldest winters ever.\"\"How can you be so sure?\" the Chief asked.The weatherman replied, \"The Indians are collecting wood like crazy.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Aviation", + "output": "On a visit to my wife's native England for our honeymoon, we arrived at London's Gatwick Airport. My wife headed for the British passport control line while I, an American, waited in the foreigners' line. When my turn came, the customs officer asked me the purpose of my visit. \"Pleasure,\" I replied. \"I'm on my honeymoon.\" The officer looked first to one side of me, then the other. \"That's very interesting, sir,\" he said as he stamped my passport. \"Most men bring their wives with them.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Bar Jokes", + "output": "A man is in bed with his wife when there is a knock at the door. He rolls over and looks at his clock, and it's 3:30 in the morning. \"I'm not getting out of bed at this time,\" he thinks, and rolls over. Then a louder knock follows. \"Aren't you going to answer that?\" says his wife. So he drags himself out of bed and goes downstairs. He opens the door and there is a man standing on the porch. It didn't take the homeowner long to realize the man was drunk. \"Hi there,\" slurs the stranger. \"Can you give me a push??\" \"No, get lost! It's half past three. I was in bed,\" says the man and he slams the door. He goes back up to bed and tells his wife what happened and she says, \"That wasn't very nice of you. Remember that night we broke down in the pouring rain on the way to pick the kids up from the babysitter and you had to knock on that man's house to get us started again? What would have happened if he'd told us to get lost?\" \"But the guy was drunk,\" says the husband. \"It doesn't matter,\" says the wife. \"He needs our help and it would be the Christian thing to help him.\" So the husband gets out of bed again, gets dressed, and goes downstairs. He opens the front door, and not being able to see the stranger anywhere he shouts, \"Hey, do you still want a push?\" And he hears a voice cry out, \"Yeah, please.\" So, still being unable to see the stranger he shouts, \"Where are you?\" And the drunk replies, \"Over here, on the swing.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Bar Jokes", + "output": "IN PRISON...You spend the majority of your time in an 8x10 cell.AT WORK.....You spend most of your time in a 6x8 cubicle. IN PRISON...You get three meals a day.AT WORK.....You only get a break for 1 meal; you have to pay for it. IN PRISON...You get time off for good behavior. AT WORK.....You get rewarded for good behavior with more work. IN PRISON...A guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you. AT WORK.....You must carry around a security card and unlock and open all the doors yourself. IN PRISON...You can watch TV and play games. AT WORK.....You get fired for watching TV and playing games. IN PRISON...You get your own toilet. AT WORK.....You have to share. IN PRISON...They allow your family and friends to visit. AT WORK.....You cannot even speak to your family and friends. IN PRISON...All expenses are paid by taxpayers with no work required. AT WORK.....You get to pay all the expenses to go to work, and then they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners. IN PRISON...You spend most of your life looking through bars from the inside wanting to get out. AT WORK.....You spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside bars. IN PRISON...There are wardens who are often sadistic. AT WORK.....They are called supervisors." + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Office Jokes", + "output": "While crossing the US-Mexican border on his bicycle, the man was stopped by a guard who pointed to two sacks the man had on his shoulders. \"What's in the bags?\", asked the guard. \"Sand,\" said the cyclist. \"Get them off - we'll take a look,\" said the guard. The Cyclist did as he was told, emptied the bags, and proving they contained nothing but sand, reloaded the bags, put them on his shoulders and continued across the border. Two weeks later, the same thing happened. Again the guard demanded to see the two bags, which again contained nothing but sand. This went on every week for six months, until one day the cyclist with the sand bags failed to appear. A few days later, the guard happened to meet the cyclist downtown. \"Say friend, you sure had us crazy\", said the guard. \"We knew you were smuggling something across the border. I won't say a word - but what is it you were smuggling?\" \"Bicycles!\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Miscellaneous", + "output": "Bob and Dave would always meet each other for drinks after work. One day, Bob did not show. Dave became worried and was going to look for him when he ran into Bob at the door. Bob's hair was all mussed, his clothes were disheveled and grass-stained, and he was covered in sweat. Dave:Oh, man, are you okay? Did you get mugged? Bob:No, you won't believe what just happened to me. I was on my way over here by the railroad tracks and I saw this woman lying buck naked in the grass! Dave:No way! Bob:Oh, yeah! She had the most gorgeous body! Man, I did her every dirty way I could think of! Dave: No way! Did you get a BJ? Bob: Oh, no. She didn't have a head." + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Sports", + "output": "a man goes on a trip to japan on business. inbetween sessions, he goes to play golf. he ends up having the worst day of his life. all double bogeys. a fellow golfer tells him the best way to correct this is to go get laid, so he will relax. he goes to the local, and goes at it. the lady spends the entire evening screaming, naha sari! over and over. the man then triumphantly returns, and at the first hole, he hits a hole in one! thinking of the night before , he smiles, and yells, naha sari! the man golfing with him looks and says, \"what do you mean wrong hole?\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "School", + "output": "The judge asked the defendant to please stand. \"You are charged with murdering a school teacher with a chain saw.\"From out in the gallery, a man shouts, \"Lying bastard!\"\"Silence in the court!\" the Judge says to the man who shouted.He turns to be defendant and says, \"You are also charged with killing a jogger with a shovel.\"\"Damn tightwad!\" the same man in the gallery blurted out.\"I said QUIET!\" yelled the judge.To the defendant, \"You are also charged with killing a mailman with an electric drill.\"\"You four-flusher!\" the man from the gallery yelled.The judge thundered at the man in the galley, \"If you don't tell me right now the reasons for your outbursts I'll hold you in contempt!\"The man answered, \"I've lived next door to that man for ten years now, and he never had a tool when I needed to borrow one!\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Marriage", + "output": "The Shortest Books Ever Written* 1000 Years of German Humor* Everything men know about women* The Code of Ethics for Lawyers* Italian War Heroes* Who's who in Puerto Rico* Americans' Guide to Etiquette* Royal Family's Guide to Good Marriages* Safe Places to Travel in the USA* Jerry Garcia's Guide to Beating Drug Addiction* Contraception by Pope John Paul II* Career Opportunities for Liberal Arts Majors* Cooking Gourmet Dishes With Tofu* Gun Control for The New Millenium: NRA Handbook" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Idiots", + "output": "At the police station, Bubba explained to the police officer why his cousins shot him. \"Well,\" Bubba began, \"We wuz havin' a good time drinking, when my cousin Ray picked up his shotgun and said, 'Hey, der ya fellows wanna go hunting?'\" \"And then what happened?\" the officer interrupted. \"From what I remember,\" Bubba said, \"I stood up and said, 'Sure, I'm game.'\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Miscellaneous", + "output": "\"Sixty is the worst age to be,\" said the 60-year-old. \"You always feel like you have to pee. And most of the time, you stand at the toilet and nothing comes out!\"\"Ah, that's nothin',\" said the 70-year-old. \"When you're seventy, you can't even crap anymore. You take laxatives, then you sit on the toiletall day and nothin' comes out!\"\"Actually,\" said the 80-year-old, \"80 is the worst age of all!\"\"Do you have trouble peeing too?\" asked the 60-year-old.\"No, not really. I pee every morning at 6:00. I pee like a racehorse on a flat rock; no problem at all.\"\"Do you have trouble crapping?\" asked the 70-year-old.\"No, I crap every morning at 6:30.\"With great exasperation, the 60-year-old said, \"Let me get this straight. You pee every morning at 6:00 and crap every morning at 6:30.So what's so tough about being 80?\"\"I don't wake up until 7:00!\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Money", + "output": "* Oops! * Has anyone seen my watch? * That was some party last night. I can't remember when I've been that drunk.* Damn! Page 47 of the manual is missing!* Well this book doesn't say that... What edition is your manual?* OK, now take a picture from this angle. This is truly a freak of nature.* Better save that. We'll need it for the autopsy.* Come back with that! Bad Dog!* Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what's that?* Hand me that...uh...that uh.....thingie* If I can just remember how they did this on ER last week.* Hey, has anyone ever survived 500ml of this stuff before?* Damn, there go the lights again...* Ya know, there's big money in kidneys. Hell, the guy's got two of 'em.* Everybody stand back! I lost my contact lens!* Could you stop that thing from beating; it's throwing my concentration off.* I wish I hadn't forgotten my glasses.* Well folks, this will be an experiment for all of us.* Steril, shcmeril. The floor's clean, right?* What do you mean he wasn't in for a sex change!* What do you mean, he's not insured?* This patient has already had some kids, am I correct?* Nurse, did this patient sign the organ donation card?* Don't worry. I think it is sharp enough.* What do you mean \"You want a divorce\"!* I don't know what it is, but hurry up and pack it in ice.* Let's hurry, I don't want to miss \"Bay Watch\"* That laughing gas stuff is pretty cool. Can I have some more of that?* Hey Charlie, unzip the bag on that one, he's still moving.* Did the doctor know he would look like that afterwards?* Of course I've performed this operation before, Nurse!* FIRE! FIRE! Everyone get out!" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Animals", + "output": "On reaching his plane seat a man is surprised to see a parrot strapped in next to him. He asks the stewardess for a coffee where upon the parrot squawks, \"And get me a whisky you cow!\" The stewardess, flustered, brings back a whisky for the parrot and forgets the coffee. When this omission is pointed out to her the parrot drains its glass and bawls, \"And get me another whisky you dolt!\". Quite upset, the girl comes back shaking with another whisky but still no coffee. Unaccustomed to such slackness the man tries the parrot's approach, \"I've asked you twice for a coffee, go and get it now or I'll whip the snot out of you!\". Next moment both he and the parrot have been wrenched up and thrown out of the emergency exit by two burly stewards. Plunging downwards the parrot turns to him and says, \"For someone who can't fly you're a lippy guy!\"." + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Medical", + "output": "An old man decided his old wife was getting hard of hearing. So he called her doctor to make an appointment to have her hearing checked.The Doctor said he could see her in two weeks, and meanwhile there's a simple, informal test the husband could do to give the doctor some idea of the dimensions of the problem.\"Here's what you do. Start about 40 feet away from her, and speak in a normal conversational tone and see if she hears you. If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response.\"So that evening she's in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he's in the living room, and he says to himself, \"I'm about 40 feet away, let's see what happens.\"\"Honey, what's for supper?\" No response.So he moves to the other end of the room, about 30 feet away. \"Honey, what's for supper?\" No response.So he moves into the dining room, about 20 feet away. \"Honey, what's for supper?\" No response.On to the kitchen door, only 10 feet away. \"Honey, what's for supper?\". No response.So he walks right up behind her. \"Honey, what's for supper?\"\"For the FIFTH time, CHICKEN!!!!\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Miscellaneous", + "output": "Three rednecks, Bubba, Earl and Jeb, were stumbling home late one night and found themselves on the road that led past the old graveyard.\"Come have a look over here\", says Bubba, \"It's Zeb Jones' grave, God bless his soul, he lived to the ripe old age of 87.\"\"That's nothing\", says Earl, \"here's one named Butch Smith. It says here that he was 95 when he died.\"Just then, Jeb yells out, \"But here's a fella that died when he was 145 years old!\"\"What was his name?\" asks Bubba.Jeb lights a match to see what else is written on the stone marker, and exclaims, \"Miles, from Georgia.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Bar Jokes", + "output": "A man who drank only beer all his life walked into his regular bar. He asks the bartender, give me a shot of wiskey fast. The bartender says to the man,you have been coming in here for years and all you drink is beer. What seems to be the trouble? The man replys: I just found out my first son is gay.The bartender says ,sorry to hear that. The man drank his drink and left. The next day the same man entered the bar. Bartender give me another shot make it a double! The bartender says what seems to be the problem today? The man repled, I just found out my second son is gay.The bartender replys sorry to hear that. The man drinks his drink and leaves. The next day the same man comes in and says: bartender give me the GODDMN bottle!! Then the bartender asks: doesn't anyone in your family like women? The man said: Yeah, my wife." + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Love & Romance", + "output": "Great news! Some of the old favorite singers and bands have re-releasedtheir great hits with new titles and lyrics to accommodate their agingaudience. Some examples: Herman's Hermits: \"Mrs. Brown You've Got a Lovely Walker\" The Rolling Stones: \"You Can't Always Pee When You Want\" Credence Clearwater Revival: \"Bad Prune Rising\" Marvin Gaye: \"I Heard It Through the Grape Nuts\" The Who: \"Talkin' 'Bout My Medication\" The Troggs: \"Bald Thing\" Carly Simon: \"You're So Varicose Vein\" The Bee Gees: \"How Can You Mend a Broken Hip\" Roberta Flack: \"The First Time Ever I Forgot Your Face\" Johnny Nash: \"I Can't See Clearly Now\" The Temptations: \"Papa Got a Kidney Stone\" ABBA: \"Denture Queen\" Leo Sayer: \"You Make Me Feel Like Napping\" Commodores: \"Once, Twice, Three Trips to the Bathroom\" Procol Harem: \"A Whiter Shade of Hair\" The Beatles: \"I Get By With a Little Help From Depends\"." + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Miscellaneous", + "output": "Two tall trees, a birch and a beech, are growing in the woods. A small tree begins to grow between them. The beech says to the birch: \"Is that a son of a beech or a son of a birch?\" The birch says he cannot tell. Just then a woodpecker lands on the sapling. The birch says, \"Woodpecker, you are a tree expert. Can you tell if that is a son of a beech or a son of a birch?\" The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree and replies: \"It is neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch. It is, however, the best piece of ash I have ever put my pecker in!\"." + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Love & Romance", + "output": "There is a bear chasing a rabbit through the forest and they're running and running and they stop because a ginnie appears. The ginnie says \" if you two stop fighting and chasing each other i'll give you each three wishes\"They agree. The bear wishes first for the biggest \"package\" of all the bears in the whole forest.And his wish comes true. The rabbit then wishes for an unlimited supply of carrots. His wish is granted too. The bear's second wish is that all the bears in the forest , except him, are female. Then the rabbit wishes for a motorcycle. The bear's last wish is that all the bears fall madly in love with him. The rabbit's final wish is that the bear becomes gay, and the rabbit jumps on his motorcycle and rides away." + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Sex", + "output": "A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They sit down and engage in ananimated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores them atfirst, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one ofthe men say the following: \"Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I comeonce-a-more. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and peetwice. Then I come one lasta time.\" \"You foul mouthed swine,\" retorted the lady indignantly. \"In this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public!\" \"Hey, coola down lady,\" said the man. \"Who talkin' abouta sexa? I'm just tellin' my frienda how to spella 'Mississippi'.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Ethnic Jokes", + "output": "One Day Ima go to Detroit to a Bigga Otel, I go down to eata breakfast, I tella waitress, I wanna two pisses of toast. She brings me only one piss. I tella her I wanta two piss. She say go to the toilet. I say to her you no understand, I wanna two piss on my plate. She say you better not piss on the plate you sonna ma bitch. I don't even know the lady and she calla me a sonna ma bitch. Later I go to eata lunch ata drake restaurant. The waitress bringa me a spoon anda knife but no fock. I tella her, I wanna fock. She tella me everybody wanna fock. I tella her you no understand, I wanna fock on the table. She say you better not fock on the table, you sonna Ma bitch. I don't even know the lady and she calla me a sonna ma bitch. So I go back to my room inna Otel, and there's no sheet on my bed. I calla the manager anna tella him I wanna sheet. He tella me to go to the toilet. So I say, you no understand, I wanna sheet on my bed. He say you better not sheet on the bed you sonna ma bitch. I go to check out anda the man at the desk say. Peace to you, I say Piss on you too, you sonna ma bitch. I go back to Italy." + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Heaven and Hell", + "output": "Three guys get to heaven,Bob, Larry and Bill, and before they enter St. Peter warns them \"whatever you do don't ever, ever, step on a duck. Once one quacks, they all do, and they make a terrible racket\". Bob enters heaven and immediately steps on a duck. So an angel comes up to him and chains a large hairy ugly woman to him for eternity, and says \" I told you not to step on a duck\". The next week Larry steps on a duck. An angel comes to him and chains a very ugly woman to him for eternity and says \"I told you not to step on a duck\". Bill hadn't stepped on a duck since he had gotten into heaven, then one day an angel comes up to him and chains a beutiful supermodel to him. He asked her why she was there and she turned to him and said, \" I don't know what you did, but I stepped on a duck.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Miscellaneous", + "output": "There was an English man, Irish man And a Scottish man who all wanted to get into the RAF.So the English man went up to the Sargeant and asked him how to get in the RAF so the Sargeant told him you had to go blow up a building without anyone seeing him.So that night he went to blow up a building and he went up to the Sargeant and said 'I've blown up a building without anyone seeing me and Sargeant said 'How many letters in the alphabet' and he replied '26' so the Sargeant said 'right your in' and the next day the Scottish man did the same and replied with 26 so he was in too.And the day after the Irish man went and did the same but replied with 24 so the sargeant said 'You must be bonkers cause theres 26' but the Irish man said 'You must be bonkers because I've just blown down B & Q!'" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Business", + "output": "There are three guys in a sauna. All of a sudden there is a beep. so guy number one slaps his hand, and guy number two asks what that was. Guy one says he got his beeper implanted in his hand. He goes off and reurns his call. A little while later he comes back and hears a cell phone jingle, and guy number two puts his hand up to his ear and starts talking. Later, guy number three who was not to up to date on this new technology asks what that was about. Guy two said he got his cell phone implanted in his hand, because he kept losing it. Guy number two walks out of the sauna and says he has to get one up on theese guys. He returns to the sauna and has three feet of toilet paper hanging out of his butt. At the same time guy one and guy 2 ask what is that, so guy 3 says Don't bother me- I'm receiving a FAX." + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Office Jokes", + "output": "A man walk up to a woman in his office and tells her that her hair smells nice.The woman imediately goes to her supervisor's office and tells him that she wants to file a sexual harassment suit and proceeds to explain why.The suervisor is puzzled by this time and says, \"What's wrong with your co-worker complimenting on ow your hair smells?\"The woman replies.\"He's a midget\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Miscellaneous", + "output": "A middle aged man, about 5 foot 8 inches tall, walks into a walmart and asks where the pharmacy counter is. He is directed to it.When he reaches it, he asks to see the pharmacist.The pharmacist comes and the man, looking around furtively, asks quietly. \"Do you sell Viagra here?\"The pharmacist answers firmly, \"Yes, Sir. We certainly do.\"The man then asks \"Do you think i could get it over the counter?\"The pharmacist thinks for a moment and then says, \"perhaps, if you took 5 or 6 pills at once you might.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Bar Jokes", + "output": "This guy walks into a bar and ask the bar tender for a drink. He gets his drink and minds his own business and looks up and down the bar. To his amazement, he is stunned to see a 10' pianist on top of the bar. \"Hey bartender,\" he says...\"What is that 10' pianist doing on top of your bar?\" \"Well, you see this lamp?\" asks the bartender. \"Rub this lamp and you can make a wish, and you will see why I have a 10' pianist on the bar.\" So the man rubs the lamp and he wishes for a million bucks. All of a sudden, the doors pop open and a million ducks come flying into the bar. \"Hey wait a minute!\" says the man. \"I wished for a million bucks not a million ducks.\" The bartender looks at him and says...\"I didn't want a 10' pianist either.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Bar Jokes", + "output": "A duck walks into a bar. He goes up to the bartender and says \"Got any grapes?\" The bartender says \"No\" so the duck leaves. The duck comes back the next day, goes up to the bartender, and says \"Got any grapes?\" The bartender says \"No\" so the duck leaves. The next day the duck comes back again. He goes up to the bartender and says \"Got any grapes?\" The bartender says \"Look duck. We don't have any grapes today, we didn't have any yesterday, and we definitely won't have any tomorrow. If you come back in here and ask for grapes again, I'm going to nail your webbed feet to the floor.\" So the duck leaves. The duck comes back the next day, goes up to the bartender and asks \"Got any nails?\" The bartender says \"No.\" Then the duck says \"Oh good. Got any grapes?\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Animals", + "output": "A famous art collector is walking through the city when he notices a mangy cat lapping milk from a saucer in the doorway of a store and he does a double take. He recognizes that the saucer is extremely old and very valuable, so he walks casually into the store and offers to buy the cat for two dollars. The storeowner replies \"I'm sorry, but the cat isn't for sale. The collector says, \"Please, I need a hungry cat around the house to catch mice. I'll pay you twenty dollars for that cat.\" And the owner says \"Sold,\" and hands over the cat. The collector continues, \"Hey, for the twenty bucks I wonder if you could throw in that old saucer. The cat's used to eat and it'll save me from having to get a dish.\" And the owner says, \"Sorry buddy, but that's my lucky saucer. So far this week I've sold sixty-eight cats.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Medical", + "output": "The doctor and his wife were having a heated argument at \tbreakfast. \tAs he stormed out of the house, the man angrily yelled to his \twife, \t\"You aren't that good in bed either!\" \tBy midmorning, he decided he'd better make amends and phoned \thome. After many rings, his wife, clearly out of breath, answered \tthe phone. \t\"What took you so long to answer and why are you panting?\" \t\"I was in bed.\" \t\"What in the world are you doing in bed at this hour?\" \t\"Getting a second opinion.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "English", + "output": "10 Words That Don't Exist, But Should \t1. AQUADEXTROUS (ak wa deks'trus) adj. Possessing the ability to turn the bathtub tap on and off with your toes. \t2. CARPERPETUATION (kar'pur pet u a shun) n. The act, when vacuuming, of running over a string or a piece of lint at least a dozen times, reaching over and picking it up, examining it, then putting it back down to give the vacuum one more chance. \t3. DISCONFECT (dis kon fekt') v. To sterilize the piece of confection (lollipop) you dropped on the floor by blowing on it, assuming this will somehow 'remove' all the germs. \t4. ELBONICS (el bon'iks) n. The actions of two people maneuvering for one armrest in a movie theater. \t5. FRUST (frust) n. The small line of debris that refuses to be swept onto the dust pan and keeps backing a person across the room until he finally decides to give up and sweep it under the rug. \t6. LACTOMANGULATION (lak' to man gyu lay' shun) n. Manhandling the \"open here\" spout on a milk container so badly that one has to resort to the 'illegal' side. \t7. PEPPIER (peph ee ay') n. The waiter at a fancy restaurant whose sole purpose seems to be walking around asking diners if they want fresh ground pepper. \t 8.PHONESIA (fo nee' zhuh) n. The affliction of dialing a phone number and forgetting whom you were calling just as they answer. \t9. PUPKUS (pup'kus) n. The moist residue left on a window after a dog presses its nose to it. \t10. TELECRASTINATION (tel e kras tin ay' shun) n. The act of always letting the phone ring at least twice before you pick it up, even when you're only six inches away." + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Old Age", + "output": "How To Tell When You're Really Old: You find yourself listening to talk radio. You daughter says she got pierced and you look at her ears. The pattern on your shorts and couch match. You fondly remember your powder blue leisure suit. You think Tragically Hip is when a middle-aged man gets a new sports car, hair piece and a 20 year old girlfriend. You criticize the kids of today for their satanic suicide-inducing music, forgetting that you rocked to Alice Cooper and Black Sabbath. You call the police on a noisy party next door instead of grabbing beer and joining it. You turn down free tickets to a rock concert because you have to work the next day. When grass is something that you cut, not cultivate. When jogging is something you do to your memory. Getting a little action means your prune juice is working. All the cars behind you flash their headlights. You remember the \"Rolling Stones\" as a rock group not a corporation. You bought your first car for the same price you paid for your son's new running shoes. You actually ASK for your father's advice. You don't know how to operate a fax machine. When someone mentions SURFING you picture waves and a surf board." + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Animals", + "output": "A penguin is driving through Arizona on a hot summer's day when he notices his oil light is on. He gets out of the car and, sure enough, it's leaking oil all over the road. The penguin drives around the corner to a service station and asks the mechanic to take a look at it. The mechanic says he has a few others to look at first but if he comes back in an hour he can tell the penguin what is wrong with his car. The penguin agrees and goes for a walk. He finds an ice cream shop and thinks a big bowl of vanilla ice cream will really hit the spot since he's a penguin and it's Arizona in the summer, after all. He sits down at the counter and starts in on his ice cream. Of course he has no hands so it is rather messy. By the time he is done he has ice cream all over his flippers and his mouth - a total mess. He walks back to the service station and says to the mechanic, \"Did you find out what is wrong with my car?\" The mechanic replies, \"It looks like you've blown a seal.\" \"No, no,\" says the penguin. \"It's just ice cream, I swear!!!\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Military", + "output": "There was this Magician on a ship performing every night. Not noticing, the captains parrot watches him every night as he performs the same tricks. After watching him, the parrot finds out how he does it and started to tell the audience. After the parrot told the audience, the ship hit an iceberg and started to sink. Everyone ran to the life boats. It so happen that the Magician went overboard and managed to hold one a flat piece of board that the parrot was on. After three days of staring at each other the parrot finally says \"Ok, what did you do with the ship?\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Family, Parents", + "output": "Three sons left home, went out on their own and prospered. Getting back together, they discussed the gifts they were able to give their elderly mother. The first said, \"I built a big house for our mother.\" The second said, \"I sent her a Mercedes.\" The third smiled and said, \"I've got you both beat. You remember how mom enjoyed reading the Bible? And you know she can't see very well. So I sent her a remarkable parrot that recites the entire Bible. It took elders in the church 12 years to teach him. He's one of a kind. Mom just has to name the chapter and verse, and the parrot recites it.\" Soon thereafter, mom sent out her letters of thanks: \"Milton,\" she wrote one son, \"The house you built is too huge. I live in only one room, but I have to keep the whole house clean!\" \"Gerald,\" she wrote to another, \"I am too old to travel. I stay at home most of the time, so I rarely use the Mercedes.\" \"Dearest Donald,\" she wrote to her third son, \"You have the good sense to know what your mother likes. The chicken was delicious!\"." + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Business", + "output": "The manager of a large office noticed a new man one day and told him to come into his office. \"What is your name?\" was the first thing the manager asked the new guy. \"John,\" the new guy replied. The manager scowled, \"Look, I don't know what kind of a place you worked at before, but I don't call anyone by their first name. It breeds familiarity and that leads to a breakdown in authority. I refer to my employees by their last name only - Smith, Jones, Baker - that's all. I am to be referred to only as Mr. Robertson. Now that we got that straight, what is your last name?\" The new guy sighed and said, \"Darling. My name is John Darling.\" \"Okay, John, the next thing I want to tell you is...\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Sports", + "output": "As he was quietly watching television at home, the chap heard a sound on the roof of his house and rushed out to investigate. Seeing it was a fair-sized gorilla tearing the shingles off his home, he promptly called up the local zoo authorities to inform them one of their animals had escaped. He was reassured that a gorilla recovering units was on the way and to remain calm. A few minutes later, an old beat up truck, displaying the Gorilla recovery unit logo on its panels, pulled up to the house. The elderly driver proceeds to recover from the back of the truck, a chihuahua dog, a pair of handcuffs, a ladder, a baseball bat, and a 12-gauge shotgun. Puzzled on how this lone elderly was to solve the problem of this gorilla that had by now torn half the roof apart, the chap asked him how he would go about doing this. As he handed him over the 12-gauge shotgun, the zoo employee explained the plan: \"First I'll climb up there with the ladder. Then I'll approach the gorilla and knock him off the roof using the baseball bat. As soon as the gorilla hits the ground, the specially trained chihuahua will attack its private parts. When I get back on the ground, the gorilla will have lowered its hands to its groin area to protect itself thus making it easy for me to slip on the handcuffs. Then, I lead him to the truck, lock him up and take him back to the zoo...\" Amazed at the procedure, the somewhat startled house owner asked why he was handed the 12-gauge shotgun? \"Well,\" explained the experienced gorilla retriever, \"It's just a precaution should things not go exactly as planned. In the unlikely event that once on the roof, the gorilla knocks me off with the baseball, shoot the dog.\"." + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Heaven and Hell", + "output": "Once upon a time there was a priest and a nun that were traveling on a camel. On a desert. Then in 3 months the camel dies. So the priest and the nun were stuck with each other alone. The priest find no other way to survive.So he says,\" I'm going to show you something that you never seen before.\" So he pulls out his thing and says,\"this is my tool of giving life.\" So the nun says,\"really then stick it in the camel so we can get the hell out of here." + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "School", + "output": "At Duke University, there were four sophomores taking Organic Chemistry. They were doing so well on all the quizzes, midterms and labs, etc., that each had an \"A\" so far for the semester. These four friends were so confident that the weekend before finals, they decided to go up to the University of Virginia and party with some friends there. They had a great time, but after all the hearty partying, they slept all day Sunday and didn't make it back to Duke until early Monday morning. Rather than taking the final then, they decided to find their professor after the final and explain to him why they missed it. They explained that they had gone to UVA for the weekend with the plan to come back in time to study, but, unfortunately, they had a flat tire on the way back, didn't have a spare, and couldn't get help for a long time. As a result, they missed the final. The professor thought it over and then agreed they could make up the final the following day. The guys were elated and relieved. They studied that night and went in the next day at the time the professor had told them. He placed them in separate rooms and handed each of them a test booklet, and told them to begin. They looked at the first problem, worth five points. It was something simple about free radical formation. \"Cool,\" they thought at the same time, each one in his separate room, \"this is going to be easy.\" Each finished the problem and then turned the page. On the second page was written: (For 95 points): Which tire?" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Animals", + "output": "Four men were bragging about how smart their dogs are. The first man was an Engineer, the second was an Accountant, the third was a Chemist, and the fourth man was a Government Worker. To show off, the Engineer called to his dog. \"T-Square, do your stuff.\" T-Square trotted over to a desk, took out some paper and a pen and promptly drew a circle, a square, and a triangle. Everyone agreed that was pretty smart. The Accountant said his dog could do better, and said, \"Slide Rule, do your stuff.\" Slide Rule went out into the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He divided them into 4 equal piles of 3 cookies each. Everyone agreed that was good. The Chemist said his dog could do better still, so he called his dog and said, \"Measure, do your stuff.\" Measure got up, walked over to the fridge, took out a quart of milk, got a 10 ounce glass from the cupboard and poured exactly 8 ounces without spilling a drop. Everyone agreed that was great. The Government Worker called to his dog and said, \"Coffee Break, do your stuff!\" Coffee Break jumped to his feet, ate the cookies, drank the milk, dumped on the paper, sexually assaulted the other three dogs, claimed he injured his back while doing so, filed a grievance for unsafe working conditions, put in for Workers Compensation and went home on sick leave. Everyone agreed that was really typical." + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Medical", + "output": "Three doctors are in the duck blind and a bird flies overhead. The general practitioner looks at it and says, \"Looks like a duck, flies like a duck... it's probably a duck,\" shoots at it but misses and the bird flies away. The next bird flies overhead, and the pathologist looks at it, then looks through the pages of a bird manual, and says, \"Hmmmm...green wings, yellow bill, quacking sound...might be a duck.\" He raises his gun to shoot it, but the bird is long gone. A third bird flies over. The surgeon raises his gun and shoots almost without looking, brings the bird down, and turns to the pathologist and says, \"Go see if that was a duck.\"." + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Miscellaneous", + "output": "Sir Arthur Conan Doyle, the creator of the world-famous detective, Sherlock Holmes, was not above telling tales about himself in which he was the laughing-stock. Here is one of those stories. As he tells it, he was waiting at a taxi- stand outside the railway station in Paris. When a taxi pulled up,he put his suitcase in it and got in himself. As he was about to tell the taxi-driver where he wanted to go, the driver asked him: \"Where can I take you, Mr. Doyle?\" Doyle was flabbergasted. He asked the driver whether he knew him by sight. The driver said: \"No Sir, I have never seen you before.'' The puzzled Doyle asked him what made him think that he was Conan Doyle. The driver replied: \"This morning's paper had a story about you being on vacation in Marseilles. This is the taxi-stand where people who return from Marseilles always come to. Your skin colour tells me you have been on vacation. The ink-spot on your right index finger suggests to me that you are a writer. Your clothing is very English, and not French. Adding up all those pieces of information, I deduce that you are Sir Arthur Conan Doyle.\" Doyle said: \"This is truly amazing. You are a real-life counter-part to my fictional creation, Sherlock Holmes.\" \"There is one other thing,\" the driver said. \"What is that?\" \"Your name is on the front of your suitcase.\"." + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Marriage", + "output": "While escaped, a convict broke into a house and tied up a young couple who had been sleeping in the bedroom. As soon as he had a chance, the husband turned to his voluptuous young wife, bound up on the bed in a skimpy nightgown, and whispered, \"Honey, this guy hasn't seen a woman in years. Just cooperate with anything he wants. If he wants to have sex with you, just go along with it and pretend you like it. Our lives depend on it.\" \"Dear,\" the wife hissed, spitting out her gag, \"I'm so relieved you feel that way, because he just told me he thinks you are really cute!\"." + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Miscellaneous", + "output": "A photographer, who was also a confirmed athiest, decided to go into the woods to get photos of the fall foliage. It was a beautiful day....fall colors, birds chirping, babbling brook, and a gentle breeze rustling the leaves.While snapping shots, the athiest heard a noise behind him, and whirled around to see a huge bear coming through the bushes. He dropped his camera and ran. And kept running....... and looking behind him, he noticed the bear was gaining on him. He was so scared that tears came to his eyes. He ran faster, but the bear was closing in on him. He ran faster yet, and tripped over a root. Rolling over onto his back, the athiest saw the bear rise to his full height and raise a huge paw...... and the athiest cried out, \"Oh, God, no!\"And everything stopped. The birds stopped chirping. The brook stopped babbling. The gentle breeze stopped. And the bear froze with his paw in the air. And the athiest heard a booming voice say, \"Young man. For years you doubted my very existance, but now that your life is in peril you call my name to help you. Why should I do so?\"And the athiest thought for a moment, and said, \"Yes, you are right. If you are God, then it would be hypocritical of me to become a Christian at this point in my life. But, do you think that you could at least make the bear a Christian for today?\" And the booming voice was quiet for a moment and then said, \"Done.\"And everything started again. The birds chirping, brook babbling, and gentle breeze rustling the leaves. And the bear slowly lowered his paw.And the bear put his paws together, and bowed his massive head and said, \"Dear Lord, please bless this food we are about to eat.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Military", + "output": "A magician was working on a cruise ship in the Caribbean. The audience would be different each week, so the magician allowed himself to do the same tricks over and over again. There was only one problem: The captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the magician did every trick. Once he understood he started shouting in the middle of the show: \"Look, it's not the same hat.\" \"Look, he is hiding the flowers under the table.\" \"Hey, why are all the cards the Ace of Spades?\" The magician was furious but couldn't do anything; it was, after all, the captain's parrot. One day the ship had an accident and sank. The magician found himself floating on a piece of wood in the middle of the ocean with the parrot, of course. They stared at each other with hate, but did not utter a word. This went on for a day and another and another. After a week the parrot said: \"OK, I give up. Where's the boat?\"." + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Old Age", + "output": "Two very elderly ladies were enjoying the sunshine on a park bench in Miami. They had been meeting that park every sunny day, for over 12 years, chatting and enjoying each other's friendship. One day, the younger of the two ladies, turns to the other and says, \"Please don't be angry with me dear, but I am embarrassed. After all these years, what is your name? I am trying to remember, but I just can't.\" The older friend stares at her, looking very distressed says nothing for two full minutes, and finally with tearful eyes, says, \"How soon do you have to know?\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Bar Jokes", + "output": "A guy goes into a bar and says \"Bartender give me ten shots of tequila.\" Bartender says \"Ok\". So he lines them up side by side on the counter. The guy drinks them up really quick. The bartender says \"Man you must be having a really good day today!\" The guy says \"Yeah, I just got my first blowjob today.\" The bartender says \"Well, let me buy you the eleventh one on the house.\" The guy says \"No, if ten can't get the taste out of my mouth eleven ain't gonna do it.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Family, Parents", + "output": "Three sons left home, went out on their own and prospered. Getting back together, they discussed the gifts they were able to give their elderly Mother.The first said, \"I built a big house for our Mother.\" The second said, \"I sent her a Mercedes with a driver.\" The third smiled and said, \"I've got you both beat. You remember how Mom enjoyed reading the Bible? And you know she can't see very well any more. I sent her a remarkable parrot that recites the entire Bible. It took Elders in the church 12 years to teach him. He's one of a kind. Mama just has to name the chapter and verse, and the parrot recites it.\"Soon thereafter, Mom sent out her letters of thanks: \"Milton,\" she wrote one son, \"the house you built is so huge. I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house.\" \"Gerald,\" she wrote to another, \"I am too old to travel any more. I stay most of the time at home, so I rarely use the Mercedes. And the driver is so rude!\" \"Dearest Donald,\" she wrote to her third son, \"you have the good sense to know what your Mother likes. The chicken was delicious!\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Military", + "output": "By the time the sailor pulled into a little town, every hotel room was taken. \"You've got to have a room somewhere,\" he pleaded, \"or just a bed, I don't care where.\" \"Well, I do have a double room with one occupant - an Air Force guy,\" admitted the manager, \"and he might be glad to split the cost. But to tell you the truth, he snores so loudly that people in adjoining rooms have complained in the past. I'm not sure it'd be worth it to you.\" \"No problem,\" the tired Navy man assured him, \"I'll take it.\" The next morning the sailor came down to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. \"How'd you sleep?\" asked the manager. \"Never better.\" The manager was impressed. \"No problem with the other guy snoring?\" \"Nope, I shut him up in no time,\" said the Navy guy. \"How'd you manage that?\" asked the manager. \"He was already in bed, snoring away, when I came in the room,\" the sailor explained. \"I went over, gave him a kiss on the cheek, and said, 'Goodnight, beautiful,' and he sat up all night watching me.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Marriage", + "output": "A man and his wife were in a fancy resturant. While ordering, they noticed that the waiter had a spoon in his shirt pocket, and after looking around, they observed the other waiters and busboys each had a similar spoon. So the husband says, \"what's with the spoon?\"The waiter said,\"well, we had this company come in and evaluate our time management and they found that people drop their spoon 74.8% more often than any other utensil. So if we carry one with us, we can reduce the trips back to the kitchen by 3 hours per shift.The husband was impressed. Sure enough, he dropped his spoon during dinner and the waiter replaced it with his, stating, \"I'll just get another when I go to the kitchen for something else\". While ordering dessert, the husband noted that the waiter had a very thin string hanging from the fly of his pants, as did the other waiters, so the husband asks, \" hey, there's a string on your pants\". The waiter tells him, \" not all my customers are as observant as you... the same company found that we can reduce the amount of time spent in the bathroom by 2 hours each shift if we tie a string around the end of you-know-what, and when we have to go we just unzip and pull it out with the string completely eliminating the need to wash up and saving time.\" The husband was impressed, but asked, \" it's a good idea but how do you get it back in your pants?\". The waiter leaned close and whispered, \" well I don't know about the rest of them, but personally I use the spoon.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Miscellaneous", + "output": "The hunchback of notre dame dies so they need to find a new bell-ringer. this guy with no arms comes along and says he can do it. \"but you've got no arms!\" everyone explains. He says I'll use my mouth. So he uses his mouth to ring the bell and goes flying out of the window because the bell is so heavy.He's lying dead on the ground and a big crowd gathers.\"who's that guy?\" one person says. \"I dunmno, but his face rings a bell!!\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Religious", + "output": "During his visit to the United States the Pope met with President Clinton. Instead of just an hour as scheduled, the meeting went on for two days. Finally, a weary President Clinton emerged to face the waiting news media. The President was smiling and announced the summit was a resounding success. He said he and the Pope agreed on 80% of the matters they discussed. Then Mr. Clinton declared he was going home to the White House to be with his family. A few minutes later the Pope came out to make his statement. He looked tired, discouraged and was practically in tears. Sadly he announced his meeting with the President was a failure. Incredulous, one reporter asked, \"But your Holiness, President Clinton just announced the summit was a great success and the two of you agreed on 80% of the items discussed.\" Exasperated, the Pope answered, \"Yes, but we were talking about the Ten Commandments.\"." + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Blind Jokes", + "output": "An elderly couple were driving across the country. The woman was driving when she got pulled over by the highway patrol. The officer said, \"Ma'am did you know you were speeding?\" The woman, hard of hearing, turns to her husband and asks, \"What did he say?\" The old man yells, \"He says you were speeding!\" The patrolman says, \"May I see your license?\" The woman turns to her husband and asks again, \"What did he say?\" The old man yells, \"He wants to see your license!\" The woman gave the officer her license. The patrolman says, \"I see you are from Arkansas. I spent some time there once and went on a blind date with the ugliest woman I've ever seen.\" The woman turned to her husband and asked, \"What did he say?\" And the old man yells, \"He said he knows you!\"." + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Men", + "output": "How Dogs and Men Are the Same 1. Both take up too much space on the bed. 2. Both have irrational fears about vacuum cleaning. 3. Both mark their territory. 4. Neither tells you what's bothering them. 5. The smaller ones tend to be more nervous. 6. Both have an inordinate fascination with women's crotches. 7. Neither does any dishes. 8. Both fart shamelessly. 9. Neither of them notice when you get your hair cut. 10. Both like dominance games. 11. Both are suspicious of the postman. 12. Neither understands what you see in cats. How Dogs Are Better Than Men 1. Dogs do not have problems expressing affection in public. 2. Dogs miss you when you're gone. 3. Dogs feel guilty when they've done something wrong. 4. Dogs admit when they're jealous. 5. Dogs are very direct about wanting to go out. 6. Dogs do not play games with you, except fetch (and they never laugh at how you throw). 7. You can train a dog. 8. Dogs are easy to buy for. 9. The worst social disease you can get from dogs is fleas (OK, really, the worst disease you can get from them is rabies, but there's a vaccine for it and you can kill the one that gives it to you). 10. Dogs understand what \"no\" means. 11. Dogs mean it when they kiss you." + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Sports", + "output": "One day a man and his wife are playing golf at their home course. On a certain par four, the man tees it up and hits a big slice into the woods. They find his ball directly behind one of the greenskeeper's buildings where equipment is stored, so that he can't play toward the green at all. \"Damn!\" the man says, \"I'll have to play sideways to get back on the fairway. I'll make five at best.\" But his wife, who had been looking things over, said \"Look, this shed has double doors at both ends. If we open them up, you can hit a low shot right through the building toward the green.\" The man congratulated his wife on her cleverness and they set up for the shot. But the ball hit the top of the far doorframe and came whistling back, striking his wife in the temple and killing her dead on the spot. A year or so later, the same man was playing the same par 4 and hit his tee shot in almost exactly the same spot as before, right behind the building. As he is cursing his luck and preparing to swing, one of his playing partners says, \"Wait, look we can open these double doors and...\" \"No way,\" the man says, cutting him off. \"I was here last year and tried that shot and ended up making a six.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Marriage", + "output": "A new preacher told his wife he was going to preach on water skiing,she said you can't preach on water skiing. if you do i am not going, so she stayed home in the house behind the church as the preacher listened to the singing and got ready to preach and thought I don't know anything about water skiing I will preach on sex,after church a deacon walked by the house and told the preachers wife it sure was a good sermon.and the preachers wife said am really surprised he only tried it twice and fell off both times." + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Money", + "output": "One day a blonde was golfing. She hit the ball into the sand and went to retrieve it. She was just bending down to get it when she heard a small voice\" If you pick me up I will grant you three wishes.\" \"ok\" she agreed. She picked him up and he said\" Whatever you wish your husband will get 20 times more\" \"alright, for my first wish I want to be beautiful and flawless\" \"Ok that can be done but remember your husband will 20 times more beautiful!\" \"ok\" She became beautiful.\"For my second wish I would like to have a trillion dollars\" \"Ok remember about your husband!\" \"I dont mind\" The blonde felt a wad of money grow in her pocket. \"ok for my last wish I would like to have a small, tiny very little heartattack\" \"Ok but your husband will get 20 times...\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Medical", + "output": "A blonde, a brunette and a redhead were sitting in the OB/GYN's office and the brunette and the redhead were discussing whether they were having boys or girls.The redhead said that she was on top and the doctor said that was how to get pregnant with a boy.The blonde, listening, began to cry.The brunette said that she was on the bottom and the doctor said that was how to get pregnant with a girl.The blonde then began crying in earnest.The brunette and redhead rushed over and asked her what was wrong. The blonde said, \"Red is having a boy, you are having a girl and I have just figured out that I am having puppies!!!!!!!!!!\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Office Jokes", + "output": "a chinese guy,a white guy, and a black guy all get a job at the same place.the boss comes out and says,\"i'm leaving for awile,and when i get back i want to see this place swept,and that pile of dirt out front shoveled and in five diffrent piles.\" so he tells the white guy,\"you are in charge of sweeping.\" he tells the black guy,\"your in charge of shoveling.\" and finally he tells the cinese guy,\"your in charge of the supplies.\" he leaves and comes back in about three hours and sees nothing done. so he asked the white guy,\"why didn't you do anything?\" he replies,\"i would have but the chinese guy didn't give me a broom.\" so he askes the black guy,\"why haven't you done anything?\" he also replies,\"the chinese guy didn't give me a shovel.\" so he goes to look for the chinese guy, but he couldn't find him. finally he walks over to the pile of dirt and the chinese guy hopped out and said,\"supplies!\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Sports", + "output": "A man is out shopping and discovers a new brand of Olympic condoms. Clearly impressed, he buys a pack. Upon getting home he announces to his wife the purchase he just made. 'Olympic condoms?', she blurts, 'What makes them so special?' 'There are three colours', he replies, 'Gold, Silver and Bronze.' 'What colour are you going to wear tonight?', she asks cheekily. 'Gold of course', says the man proudly. The wife responds, 'Really, why don't you wear Silver: it would be nice if you came second for a change!'." + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Science", + "output": "Two 80 year old men sat talking over the weather and the latest in medical science, and such, when one brings up the latest male medical miracle, Viagra. The other wasn't familiar with Viagra and asked the first man what it was for. The first man said, \"It's the greatest thing I've ever known. The Fountain of Youth!! Makes you feel like a man of 30!\" The second then asked, \"Can you get it over the counter?\" \"You probably could, if you took two pills\", said the first man." + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Bar Jokes", + "output": "There was a little boy who lived on a farm. One morning when he got up from bed his mother told him he needed to start doing his chores around the farm. The little boy said he would take over the chores for his dad. So he went to the barn and milked the cow when he was done he kicked the cow right in the ass. Then he went and fed the pig, when he was done he kicked the pig in the ass. Then he went to feed the chicken, when he was done he kicked the chicken in the ass. After the chores were done the little boy went into the house and said to his mother \"The chores are done I want some breakfast\". So the mom put a dry bowl of cereal down in front of the little boy, he said, \"What about the milk?\", and the mother replied \"You can't have any milk because you kicked the cow in the ass\". The little boy said, \"Well how about some bacon?\" the mother replied, \"You can't have any bacon because you kicked the pig in the ass\". The little boy said \"Can I at least have an egg?\" The mother replied, \"No, you kicked the chicken in the ass\". In walks his father, who kicked the cat, and the little boy said to his mother \"Do you want to tell him or should I?\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Marriage", + "output": "Bill and Hillary are out driving in the country near Hillary `s hometown. They are low on fuel, so Bill pulls into a gas station for a fill-up. The attendant comes out and begins to pump gas into the first couple's tank. As he is doing this, he looks into the passenger window. \"Hey, Hillary. We used to date in high school, do you remember me?\" he asks. They chat for a few minutes, Bill pays and the first couple leaves. As they drive Bill is feeling very proud of himself and looks over at Hillary. \"You used to date that guy? Just think what it would be like if you had married him,\" he says smugly. Hillary looks at Bill and shrugs. The she replies, \"Well I guess you'd be pumping gas and he would be the President.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Religious", + "output": "In the convent a young nun went to see the mother superior.\"Mother, I want to quit the veil.\"\"But why, my child?\"\"To become a prostitute.\"\"What? What are you saying?\"\"I said I want to become a prostitute, mother.\"\"Oh, you had me worried. I thought you said protestant!\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Religious", + "output": "After a few days on the new Earth, the Lord called to Adam and said, ''It is time for you and Eve to begin the process of populating the earth, so I want you to kiss her.'' Adam answered, ''Yes, Lord, but what is a 'kiss'?'' The Lord gave a brief description to Adam, who took Eve by the hand and took her to a nearby bush. A few minutes later, Adam emerged and said, ''Thank you Lord, that was enjoyable.'' And the Lord replied, ''Yes Adam, I thought you might enjoy that. Now, I'd like you to caress Eve.'' And Adam said, ''What is a 'caress'?'' So, the Lord again gave Adam a brief description and Adam went behind the bush with Eve. Quite a few minutes later, Adam returned, smiling, and said, ''Lord, that was even better than the kiss.'' And the Lord said, ''You've done well Adam. And now, I want you to make love to Eve.'' And Adam asked, ''What is 'make love', Lord?'' So, the Lord again gave Adam directions and Adam went again to Eve behind the bush, but this time he re-appeared in two seconds. And Adam said, ''Lord, what is a 'headache'?''" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Religious", + "output": "Two beggars are sitting on a park bench in Mexico City. One is holding a Cross and one a Star of David. Both are holding hats to collect contributions People walk by, lift their noses at the man with the Star of David and drop money in the hat held by the man with the cross. Soon the hat of the man with the cross is filled and the hat of the man with the Star of David is empty. A priest watches and then approaches the men. He turns to the man with the Star of David and says: 'Young man. Don't you realize that this is a Catholic country? You'll never get any contributions in this country holding a Star of David.'The man with the Star of David turns to the man with the cross and says 'Moishe, can you imagine, this guy is trying to tell us how to run our business?" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Religious", + "output": "Einstein climbs to the top of Mt. Sinai to get close enough to talk to God. Looking up, he asks the Lord... \"God, what does a million years mean to you?\" The Lord replies, \"A minute.\" Einstein asks, \"And what does a million dollars mean to you?\" The Lord replies, \"A penny.\" Einstein asks, \"Can I have a penny?\" The Lord replies, \"In a minute.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Military", + "output": "There was a priest who was drowning in the ocean. He called out to God for help. All of a sudden, a canoe came and the guy said \"Father, let me help you\". The priest replied \"No, no my son. The Lord will save me.\" The canoe leaves and the father calls out to God again. All of a sudden, a yacht showed up. The captain said \"Father, let me help you\". The priest again replied \"No my son, the Lord will save me\". The yacht leaves and the father is calling out to God again. All of a sudden, a big cruise ship showed up. The captain said with a megaphone \"Father,let us help you\". The priest again replied \"No my son, the Lord will save me.\" The priest drowns and he's in heaven face to face with God. He said \"My Lord. I called out to you but you didn't help me. Why?\" God replied: \"I did help you. I sent you three ships\"." + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Religious", + "output": "A Chinese man and his Jewish friend were walking along one day when the Jewish man whirled and slugged the Chinese man and knocked him down. \"What was that for?\" the Chinese man asked. \"That was for Pearl Harbor!\" the Jewish man said. \"Pearl Harbor? That was the Japanese. I'm Chinese.\" \"Chinese, Japanese, you are all the same!\" \"Oh!\" They continued walking and after a while the Chinese man whirled and knocked the Jewish man to the ground. \"What was that for?\" the Jewish man asked. \"That was for the Titanic!\" \"The Titanic? That was an iceberg.\" \"Iceberg, Goldberg, you are all the same.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Religious", + "output": "A priest was called away for an emergency. Not wanting to leave the confessional unattended, he called his rabbi friend from across the street and asked him to cover for him. The rabbi told him he wouldn't know what to say, but the priest told him to come on over and he'd stay with him for a little bit and show him what to do. The rabbi comes and he and the priest are in the confessional. In a few minutes a woman comes in and says \"Father forgive me for I have sinned.\" The priest asks \"What did you do?\". The woman says \"I committed adultery.\" Priest: \"How many times?\" Woman: \"Three times.\" Priest: \"Say two Hail Mary's, put $5 in the box and go and sin no more.\" A few minutes later a man enters the confessional. He says \"Father forgive me for I have sinned.\" Priest: \"What did you do?\" Man: \"I committed adultery.\" Priest:\"How many times?\" Man: \"Three times.\" Priest: \"Say two Hail Mary's put $5 in the box and go and sin no more.\" The rabbi tells the priest that he thinks he's got it so the priest leaves. A few minutes later another woman enters and says \"Father forgive me for I have sinned.\" Rabbi: \"What did you do?\" Woman: \"I committed adultery.\" Rabbi: \"How many times?\" Woman: \"Once.\" Rabbi: \"Go do it two more times. We have a special this week, three for $5.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Religious", + "output": "A burglar broke into a house one night. He shone his flashlight around, looking for valuables, and when he picked up a CD player to place in his sack, a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark saying \"Jesus is watching you\". He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight out and froze. When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head, clicked the light back on and began searching for more valuables. Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard, \"Jesus is watching you.\" Freaked out, he shone his light around, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot. \"Did you say that?\" he hissed at the parrot. \"Yep,\" the parrot confessed, \"I'm just trying to warn you.\" The burglar relaxed. \"Warn me, huh? Who the hell are you?\" \"Moses,\" replied the bird. \"Moses\" the burglar laughed. \"What kind of stupid people would name a parrot Moses?\" \"Probably the same kind of people that would name a rotweiller Jesus,\" the bird answered." + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Religious", + "output": "When Nuns are admitted to Heaven they go through a special gate and are expected to make one last confession before they become angels. Several nuns are lined up at this gate waiting to be absolved of their last sins before they are made holy. \"And so,\" says St. Peter, \"have you ever had any contact with a man's member?\" \"Well,\" says the first Nun in line, \"I did once just touch the tip of one with the tip of my finger.\" \"OK\" says St. Peter, \"Dip your finger in the holy water and pass on into heaven.\" The next Nun admits that \"Well, yes, I did once get carried away and I, you know, sort of massaged one a bit.\" \"OK\" says St. Peter, \"Rinse your hand in the holy water and pass on into heaven.\" Suddenly there is some jostling in the line and one of the nuns is trying to cut in front. \"Well now, what's going on here?\" says St. Peter. \"Well, your excellency,\" says the Nun who is trying to improve her position in line, \"If I'm going to have to gargle that stuff, I want to do it before Sister Mary Thomas sticks her rear in it.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Religious", + "output": "A man was wandering in the woods, pondering all the mysteries of life and his own personal problems. The man couldn't find the answers, so he sought help from God.\"God? You there, God?\" he asked\"Yes. What is it, my son?\" God answered.\"Mind if I ask a few questions?\" the man asked.\"Go ahead, my son, anything.\"\"God, what is a million years to you?\"God answered, \"A million years to me is only a second.\"The man asked, \"God, what is a million dollars worth to you?\"God replied, \"A million dollars to me is worth only a penny.\"The man lifted his eyebrows and asked his final question. \"God, can I have a penny?\"God answered, \"Sure, give me a second.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Religious", + "output": "The head of the monastery wanted to check how strong his priests are in resisting temptetion. He called 3 of them to his room, and ordered them to put a small bell on their member. After that, he went to the first guy, and showed him a picture of a gorgeous naked girl. \"Gling Gling\", went the bell, and the head of the monastary was furious: \"you call yourself a monk? you are as weak as a baby!\". He went then to the second guy, and showed him a cover of a dirty porn movie. \"Gling Gling\", went the bell. \"you are a disgrace! get out of my sight!\". Almost in complete dispair, he went to the thirs guy and showed him a cover of a porn-magazine. There was silent. \"Way to go, son, you are the only man here worth to be call a monk\", the head of the monastery said, while putting his hand on him. \"Gling Gling\", went the bell." + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Religious", + "output": "The Pope had just finished a tour of the East Coast and wastaking a limousine to the airport. Having never driven a limo, he asked the chauffeur if hecould drive for awhile. Well, the chauffeur didn'thave much of a choice, so the chauffeur climbs in the backof the limo and the Pope takes the wheel. The Pope proceeds to hop on 95 and starts accelerating to see whatthe limo could do. Well he gets to about 90 mph and, WHAM !, there arethe blue lights of our friendly State Patrol in his mirror. He pulls over and the trooper comes to his window. Well thetrooper, seeing who it was, says \"just a moment please I needto call in.\" The trooper radio's in and asks for the chief. He tells the chief\"I've got a REALLY important person pulled over and I needto know what to do.\" The chief replys \"Who is it, not Ted again ?\" The trooper says, \"No, even more important.\" The chief replys, \"It's the Governor, is it ?\",the trooper replys \"No, even more important.\" \"It's isn'tthe President is it ?\" \"No, more important\", replys the trooper. \"Well WHO the HECK is it !\", screams the chief. \"I don't know \" says the trooper. \"But he's got the Pope as a chauffeur.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Religious", + "output": "A guy dies and goes to heaven. It's a slow day for St. Peter, so, upon passing the entrance test, St. Peter says, \"I'm not very busy, today, why don't you let me show you around?\"The guy thinks this is a great idea and graciously accepts the offer. St. Peter shows him all the sights, the golf course, the reading room and library, the observation room, the cafeteria and finally, they come to a HUGE room full of clocks.The guy asks, \"What's up with these clocks?\"St. Peter explains, \"Everyone on earth has a clock that shows how much time he has left on earth. When a clock runs out of time, the person dies and comes to the Gates to be judged.\"The guy thinks this makes sense but notices that some of the clocks are going faster than others. He asks why is that?St. Peter explains, \"Every time a living person tells a lie, it speeds his clock.\"This also makes sense, so the guy takes one last look around the room before leaving and notices one clock in the center of the ceiling. On this clock, both hands are spinning at an unbelievable rate. So he asks, \"What's the story with that clock?\"\"Oh, that,\" St. Peter replies, \"That's OJ Simpson's clock. We decided to use it as a fan\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Religious", + "output": "An old preacher was dying. He sent a message for his IRS agent and his Lawyer (both church members), to come to his home. When they arrived, they were ushered up to his bedroom. As they entered the room, the preacher held out his hands and motioned for them to sit on each side of the bed. The preacher grasped their hands, sighed contentedly, smiled and stared at the ceiling. For a time, no one said anything. Both the IRS agent and Lawyer were touched and flattered that the old preacher would ask them to be with him during his final moment.They were also puzzled because the preacher had never given any indication that he particularly liked either one of them.Finally, the Lawyer asked, \"Preacher, why did you ask the two of us to come?\"The old preacher mustered up some strength, then said weakly, \"Jesus died between two thieves, and that's how I want to go, too.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Religious", + "output": "There was a priest who decided to enter a monastery. This monastery had strict vows of silence. On his first day, the head abbot told him he could only speak two words every ten years.At the end of his first ten years, the head abbot told him he could speak his first two words. \"Bed hard!\" he said. The abbot recorded this in a book.At the end of his second ten years, he was told he could speak his next two words. \"Food bad!\" he said. The abbot recorded this in the book as well.At the end of the third ten years, he was allowed to speak his next two words. \"I quit!\" he stated.\"Well that doesn't surprise me,\" said the abbot. The record shows you've done nothing by complain for the past thirty years!\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Religious", + "output": "An engineer died and ended up in Hell. He was not pleased with the level of comfort in Hell, and began to redesign and build improvements. After a while, they had toilets that flush, air conditioning, and escalators. Everyone grew very fond of him. One day God called to Satan to mock him, \"So, how's it going down there in Hell?\" Satan replied, \"Hey, things are great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next.\" God was surprised, \"What? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake. He should never have gotten down there in the first place. Send him back up here.\" \"No way,\" replied Satan. \"I like having an engineer, and I'm keeping him.\" God threatened, \"Send him back up here now or I'll sue!\" Satan laughed and answered, \"Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Religious", + "output": "God was tired and worn out. So he spoke to St. Peter. \"You know, I need a vacation. Got any suggestions where I should go?\" St. Peter, thinking, nodded his head, then said, \"How about Jupiter? It's nice and warm there this time of the year.\" God shook His head before saying, \"No, too much gravity. You know how that hurts my back.\" \"Hmmm,\" St. Peter reflected. \"Well, how about Mercury?\" \"No way!\" God muttered. \"It's way too hot for me there!\" \"I've got it,\" St. Peter said, his face lighting up. \"How about going down to Earth for your vacation?\" Chuckling, God remarked, \"Are you kidding? Two thousand years ago I went there, had an affair with some nice Jewish girl, and they're STILL talking about it!\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Religious", + "output": "Bholaji finds himself in dire trouble. His business has gone bust and he's in serious financial trouble. He's so desperate that he decides to ask Bhagwan for help. He goes into the temple and begins to pray.“Oh Bhagwan, please help me, I've lost my business and if I don't get some money, I'm going to lose my house as well. Please let me win the lottery.” Lotto night comes and somebody else wins it. Bholaji goes back to the temple. \"Bhagwan please let me win the lotto. I've lost my business, my house and I'm going to lose my car as well.” Lotto night comes and Bholaji still has no luck. Back to the temple he goes. \"My Bhagwan, why have you forsaken me? I've lost my business, my house, my car and my wife and children are starving. I don't often ask you for help and I have always been a good servant to you. Why won't you just let me win the lotto this one time so I can get my life back in order?\"Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the sky parts open and Bholaji is confronted by the voice of God: \"Bholaji, buy a damn lottery ticket first.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Religious", + "output": "It rained for days and days and there was a terrific flood. The water rose so high that one man was forced to climb on top of his roof and sat in the rain. As the waters came up higher a man in a rowboat came up to the house and told him to get in. \"No thank you, the Lord will save me!\" he said, and the man in the rowboat rowed away. The waters rose to the edge of the roof and still the man sat on the roof until another rowboat came by and another man told him to get in. \"No thank you, the Lord will save me!\" he said again, and the man rowed away. The waters covered the house and the man was forced to sit on his chimney as the rain poured down and a helicopter came by and another man urged him to get in or he'll drown. \"No thank you,\" the man said again, \"The Lord will save me!\" After much begging and pleading the man in the helicopter gave up and flew away. The waters rose above the chimney and the man drowned and went to heaven where he met God. \"Lord, I don't understand,\" he told Him, frustrated, \"The waters rose higher and higher and I waited hours for you to save me but you didn't! Why?\" The Lord just shook his head and said, \"What are you talking about? I sent two boats and a helicopter?!\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Religious", + "output": "Some favorite messages spotted on church signs or billboards, submitted by Beliefnet members: -Fire Insurance Inside -This Church Is Prayer Conditioned -God Answers Knee Mail -PRAY NOW! Avoid Christmas Rush! -Sign broken, come inside for message -This is a ch--ch. What's missing? U R! -Regis isn't the only on to offer a lifeline -Stop in the name of love and meet the Supreme -Wal-Mart's not the only savings place -The best position is on your knees!" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Religious", + "output": "A middle aged woman has a heart attack and is taken to the hospital. While on the operating table she has a near-death experience. During that experience she sees her guardian angel and asks if this is her time. The angel says no and explains that she has another 30-40 years to live. Upon her recovery she decides to just stay in the hospital for a few more days and have a facelift, liposuction and a tummy tuck. She even has someone come in and change her hair color. She figures since she's got another 30 or 40 years she might as well make the most of it. She walks out the hospital after the last operation and is killed by an ambulance speeding up to the hospital. She arrives in heaven again, sees her guardian angel and says, \"I thought you said I had another 30-40 years!!\" The angel replies, \"Sorry. I didn't recognize you.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Religious", + "output": "One morning a man came into the church on crutches. He stopped in front of the holy water, put some on both legs, and then threw away his crutches. An alter boy witnessed the scene and then ran into the rectory to tell the priest what he'd just seen. \"Son, you've just witnessed a miracle,\" the priest said. \"Tell me where is this man now?\" \"Flat on his butt over by the holy water,\" said the boy." + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Religious", + "output": "After many years, a young Jewish Talmud student who had left the old country for America returns to visit the family.\"But--where is your beard?\" asks his mother upon seeing him.\"Mama,\" he replies, \"in America, nobody wears a beard.\"\"But at least you keep the Sabbath?\"\"Mama, business is business. In America, everybody works on the Sabbath.\"\"But kosher food you still eat?\"\"Mama, in America, it is very difficult to keep kosher.\"The old lady ponders this information and then leans over and whispers in his ear, \"Isaac, tell me--you’re still circumcised?\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Religious", + "output": "This lady approaches a priest and tells him, \"Father, I have a problem. I have these two talking female parrots, but they only know how to say one thing.\" \"What do they say?\" the priest asked. \"They only know how to say, 'Hi, we are prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?'\" \"That's terrible!\" the priest exclaimed, \"But I have a solution to your problem. Bring your two talking female parrots over to my house and I will put them with my two male talking parrots who I have taught to pray and read the Bible. My parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase and your female parrots will learn to pray and worship.\" \"Thank you,\" said the lady. The next day, the lady brings her female parrots to the priest's house. The priest's two male parrots are holding rosary beads and praying in their cage. The lady puts her female talking parrots in with the male talking parrots and the female parrots say, \"Hi, we are prostitutes! Do you want to have some fun?\" One male parrot looks over to the other male parrot and screams, \"Frank! Put the Bibles away--our prayers have been answered!\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Holidays", + "output": "A family had twin boys whose only resemblance to each other was their looks. If one felt it was too hot, the other thought it was too cold. If one said the TV was too loud, the other claimed the volume needed to be turned up. One was terribly pessimistic, and the other equally optimistic. One Christmas their father hit upon a way to cure them of their differences. He went out and bought the fanciest, most exciting train set for the pessimistic boy. For the optimist he got a Christmas stocking and filled it with horse manure. Christmas morning came, and after the boys had opened their gifts, the dad asked each what Santa Claus had brought him. \"Well,\" said the pessimist, \"I got a train set, but I'll probably cut myself putting the track together, and it's got an electric transformer, so I'll probably electrocute myself, and, besides, the whole thing will probably break in a week.\" The dad was pretty disappointed that he had failed to cheer up the pessimist, but figured he may still have cured the optimistic boy. \"What about you, son,\" he asked the optimist. \"What did you get?\" \"I got a pony!\" he exclaimed, jumping up and down with excitement. \"Only I haven't found it yet!\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Religious", + "output": "A priest and doctor were out golfing. The doctor gets up to take his first shot. He swings and misses the ball completely. \"God dammit, I missed,\" says the doctor. The sky starts to darken a bit becoming overcast. \"Don't use the Lord God's name in vain,\" says the priest. \"I am sorry, Father,\" replies the doctor. The doctor steps up again to tee off and misses the ball once again. \"God dammit, I missed,\" says the doctor. The sky darkens even more and a low rumble resounds throughout the land. \"Don't use the Lord God's name in vain,\" says the priest. \"I am sorry, Father,\" replies the doctor. Once again, the doctor tries to take a swing at the ball and completely misses. He throws his club to the ground and yells, \"God dammit, I missed.\" The heavens roared and the storm erupted, sending a lightning bolt down and straight into the priest, which struck him dead. Then a booming voice arose from the sky and said, \"Dammit, I missed.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Religious", + "output": "Three Jewish sons left home, went out on their own and prospered. Getting back together, they discussed the gifts that they were able to give to their elderly mother. The first said, \"I built a big house for our mother.\" The second said, \"I sent her a Mercedes with a driver.\" The third said, \"I've got you both beat. You know how Mom enjoys reading the Torah and you know she can't see very well? I sent her a large brown parrot that can recite the entire Torah. It took twenty rabbis 12 years to teach him. I had to pledge to contribute $1,000,000 a year for twenty years but it was worth it. Mom just has to name the chapter and verse and the parrot will recite it.\" Soon thereafter, Mom sent out her letters of thanks. She wrote to the first son, \"Milton, the house you built is so huge. I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house.\" She wrote to the second son, \"Marvin, I am too old to travel. I stay home all the time, so I never use the Mercedes and the driver is SO rude.\" She wrote to the third son, \"Dearest Melvin, you were the only son to have the good sense to know what your mother likes. The chicken was delicious.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Religious", + "output": "A sampling of the best lightbulb jokes: Q. How many Mormons does it take to change a lightbulb? A. Seven. One to change the lightbulb, one to say the opening prayer, one to say the closing prayer, and four to bring green jello salads and red punch. Q. How many agnostics does it take to change a light bulb? A. We can't know. Q. How many motivational speakers does it take to change a light bulb? A. One to do it and every other one on earth to stand around saying that they did it first in the 80's. Q. How many deists does it take to change a light bulb? A. None. If the light bulb no longer interferes with the world, why bother interfering with the light bulb?" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Religious", + "output": "A burglar was cruising through a posh suburb looking for an opportunity. At one house he saw a truck unloading a big screen television, stereo, and video outfit. That night, without a moon in the sky and a heavy fog, he drove up to the house. He rang the doorbell and when no one answered, broke the lock on the kitchen door and went in.It was pitch black inside as he made his way through the kitchen, then the dining room and into the den where he expected to find the things he wanted to steal. \"I see you and Jesus sees you,\" a voice said. The burglar froze in his tracks.\"I see you and Jesus sees you,\" the voice said again.When nothing more happened, the burglar took out his flashlight and shined it in the direction of the voice. All he saw was a parrot on its perch.\"I see you and Jesus sees you.\"The burglar laughed. \"Just a dumb bird,\" he said. The burglar closed the drapes before turning on a lamp and that's when he saw a big and mean looking Doberman Pincher sitting beneath the parrot's perch.\"Sic him, Jesus!\" the parrot said" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Religious", + "output": "An engineer died and ended up in Hell. Soon, he became dissatisfied with the level of comfort in Hell, and began designing and building improvements. After a while, they had flush toilets, air conditioning, escalators. The engineer was a pretty popular guy.One day God called to Satan and said with a sneer, \"So, how's it going down there in Hell?\" Satan replied, \"Hey, things are great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next.\"God exclaimed, \"What? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake--he should never have gotten down there in the first place. Send him back up here.\"\"No way,\" replied Satan. \"I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him.\"God threatened, \"Send him back up here now or I'll sue!\"Satan laughed and answered, \"Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Religious", + "output": "Three couples -- one elderly, one middle-aged and one newlywed -- wanted to join a church. The priest said, \"We have special requirements for new parishioners. You must abstain from having sex for two weeks.\" The couples all agreed and came back at the end of two weeks.The pastor went to the elderly couple and asked, \"Were you able to abstain from sex for the two weeks?\" The old man replied, \"No problem at all, Father.\" \"Congratulations! Welcome to the church!\" said the priest.The priest went to the middle-aged couple and asked, \"Well, were you able to abstain from sex for the two weeks?\" The middle-aged man replied, \"The first week was not too bad. The second week I had to sleep on the couch for a couple of nights, but, yep, we made it.\" \"Congratulations! Welcome to the church,\" said the priest.The priest then went to the newlywed couple and asked, \"Well, were you able to abstain from sex for two weeks?\" \"No Pastor, we were not able to go without sex for the two weeks,\" the young man replied sadly.\"What happened?\" inquired the priest.\"My wife was reaching for a can of corn on the top shelf and dropped it,\" said the young man. \"When she bent over to pick it up, I was overcome with lust and took advantage of her right there.\"\"You understand, of course, this means you will not be welcome in our church,\" stated the priest. \"We know,\" said the young man. \"We're not welcome at the supermarket anymore either.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Religious", + "output": "1. Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done.2. Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.3. The pastor will preach his farewell message, after which the choir will sing, \"Break Forth Into Joy.\"4. Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.5. At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be \"What Is Hell?\" Come early and listen to our choir practice." + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Religious", + "output": "A catholic priest was giving confession one day when members of hiscongregation walked in and said, \"Forgive father for I have sinned...Icheated on my husband/wife this week and I have no one else to turn to.\"The priest would reply, \"You are forgiven my child...but try to keep fromrepeating this sinful nature.\"Sunday morning comes and he decides to direct his sermon to all of thosepeople who had committed adultery. The congregation was observant in thepriest's actions because he said if they couldn't do better than this hewould leave the church. The congregation liked the minister, so they came upwith a code word for every time they had committed adultery...they would gointo confession and say that they had \"fallen\" that week.A couple of years later, that priest had died and was replaced. It came timefor the new priest to do confessions and he noticed that many of his memberswere coming in, saying they had \"fallen\". The new priest was concerned abouthis congregation and took it upon himself to go to the courthouse and talkto the mayor.The priest walks into the mayor's office and says, \"Mr. Mayor, you have todo something about your sidewalks and walkways in the community.\"The mayor looking puzzled asks, \"Sidewalks?\" The priest says, \"Yeah. Many of your citizens have fallen this week!\"The mayor realizes what the priest is talking about and says, \"There's noneed to be concerned father. Don't worry about it and go home.\"The priest replied, \"No need to worry about it...I think if anyone should beworried it should be you; even your wife has fallen 3 times this week.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Religious", + "output": "There once was a 94-year-old nun in the 1890's whose worn-out body began to surrender. Her doctor prescribed for her a shot of whiskey three times a day, to relax her.However, not to be lured into worldly pleasures, she huffily declined. But her mother superior knew the elderly sister loved milk. So she instructed the kitchen to spike the milk three times a day.Eventually, the elderly pious one approached her final hour. As several sisters gathered around her at bedside, the mother superior asked if she wanted to leave them any words of wisdom.\"Oh, yes,\" she replied. \"Never sell that cow!\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Religious", + "output": "One beautiful morning a athiest was walking through the forest, admiring natures surroundings...He looked up and saw the trees swaying in the wind high above him and smiled...He saw the river glisten in the sun twinkle like a new born star and it made him warm inside...He thought to himself that mother nature had made a true and wonderful world...The athiest had walked a little further down the track he had taken when suddenly a bear jumped out of the bushes only a few yards ahead of him and started growling, looking hungry and ran quickly towards him...Seeing the big bear bounding towards him he screamed in horror and started running as fast as he could away from the bear...Knowing that the bear would catch up to him and he had no chance, the athiest soon ran out of breath and in a few paces fell to the ground... As the bears shadow fell upon his face and his paws come down upon his chest, the athiest screamed \"oh help me god\"Suddenly the trees that he so much admired stopped swaying...The river he loved suddenly stopped flowing..And the sky opened up and a voice begun to speak..\"I am god, and even though you dont believe in me, i am here for every being on this earth\"The athiest felt relieved a little bit and asked god...\"Im sort of in this situation, im only asking if you can help me get out of it\"God thought for a moment and said...\"I will give you one wish to help you and that is all, you may proceed with this wish\"The athiest thought about this wish for a moment and then spoke to god..\" Well i dont really want to become a christian, so i wish the bear to become a christian\"God spoke...\"So be it done\"Suddenly the sky closed up...The river turned back into its flowing glory...The trees began to sway again...And the bear clapped his paws together and said...\"Thankyou god for this meal im about to recieve\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Religious", + "output": "Three preachers and their wives were killed in a car accident, upon their arrival at the pearly gates, they were met by St. Peter.The first preacher walked up and said\" Hello St. Peter, I'm ready to come in\".St. Peter checked his list and said\" I'm sorry your name is not in the book.\"\"What!\" exclaimed the preacher,\" I have been a preacher for thirty years!\" \"Yes\" replied St. Peter,\"However,you are guilty of glutteny, you loved food and sweets so much you even married a woman named Candy.\"The pastor,defeated took his wifes hand and walked away.The next preacher came up to the St. feeling pretty certain he would be allowed in. \"I'm ready to come in St. Peter\" he said with a smile.\"I'm sorry, your name is not in the book.\" \"HOw can that be?\" asked the preacher, \"I have been a pastor for 20 years!\" You are guilty of the sin of greed, you loved money so much, you married a woman named Penny.\" Defeated, the preacher took his wifes hand and walked away. The last preacher, certain of the out-come, turned to his wife and said, \"Come on Fanny, I'm not gettin' in.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Religious", + "output": "Jesus is crucified, hanging on the cross up on a hill. Below the hill there is a crowd of onlookers, including St. Peter. \"Peter! Peter! I need to tell you something\" Jesus cries. So Peter, devoted to his Lord, breaks from the crowd towards the hill only to be stopped by a group of Roman soldiers, beat up and thrown back down.\"Peter! Please, I need to tell you something!\" Jesus cries.Again, full of faith and love for Christ, he runs up the hill and almost gets past the soldiers. But, he's caught, beat up again and tossed back into the crowd. Finally, Jesus screams \"Peter, I must tell you something. Please, come to me!\"Peter, sorrowed by his Lord's suffering, runs up the hill bloody and bruised and finally makes it past the soldiers. He kneels in front of Jesus: \"Here I am my lord, your faithful servant. What is it that you need to tell me?\"Jesus smiles and says \"Yo, I can see my house from up here.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Religious", + "output": "A sales representative from a major chicken producer is sent on a mission to the Vatican.He meets with the Pope: \"Holy Father, my company would like to make a substantialdonation to the Holy Mother Church - but there's only one condition....\"\"Yes, my son?\"\"We'd like you to authorize changing the Lord's Prayer from \"Give us this day our dailybread to give us this day, our daily chicken.\"\"I don't know my Son. Tradition and all, you know.\"\"Well your Holiness, we are prepared to give you a Million dollars to do this.\"\"I don't know my Son. Tradition and all, you know.\"So, the chicken man, hurries off for a quick phone call to his boss and he comes back.\"Your Worship, I am authorized to go up to one Billion dollars if you change \"Give us thisday our daily bread, to give us this day our daily chicken.\"The Pope shrugs with a smile and says, \"Well, now, my Son, give me a call tomorrow.\"Later that day the Pope has a big meeting with his Cardinals, Bishops, Prieststhe whole Vatican family is there.He says to them, \"Boys, I gotta some a good news, and I gotta some a bad news....\"\"The good news is that the Holy Mother Church has come into one Billion dollars!!\"(CHEERING! APPLAUSE! BRAVO! BRAVO!!!)\"Boys, the bad news is that we have lost the Wonderbread account!\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Religious", + "output": "One day Mrs. Jones went to have a talk with the minister at thelocal church. \"Reverend,\" she said, \"I have a problem, myhusband keeps falling asleep during your sermons. It's veryembarrassing. What should I do?\"\"I have an idea,\" said the minister. \"Take this hatpin with you.I will be able to tell when Mr. Jones is sleeping, and I willmotion to you at specific times. When I motion, you give him agood poke in the leg.\"In church the following Sunday, Mr. Jones dozed off. Noticingthis, the preacher put his plan to work. \"And who made theultimate sacrifice for you?\" he said, nodding to Mrs. Jones.\"Jesus!\", Jones cried as his wife jabbed him the leg with thehatpin.\"Yes, you are right, Mr. Jones,\" said the minister. Soon, Mr.Jones nodded off again. Again, the minister noticed. \"Who isyour redeemer?\" he asked the congregation, motioning towardsMrs. Jones.\"God!\" Mr. Jones cried out as he was stuck again with the hatpin.\"Right again,\" said the minister, smiling. Before long, Mr.Jones again winked off. However, this time the minister did notnotice. As he picked up the tempo of his sermon, he made a fewmotions that Mrs. Jones mistook as signals to bayonet herhusband with the hatpin again.The minister asked, \"And what did Eve say to Adam after she borehim his 99th son?\"Mrs. Jones poked her husband, who yelled, \"You stick thatgoddamned thing in me one more time and I'll break it in halfand shove it up your ass!\"\"Amen,\" replied the congregation." + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Religious", + "output": "The Pope and the manager from Taco bell were talking one day and the man goes we will give you one million dollars if you change the lords prayer from bread to taco. The Pope goes no my people in Rome wouldn't be happy. The man from Taco Bell goes how about one billion dollars? The Pope say's no beder not. The Man goes last of is one trillion dollars. The Popes eyes lite up and say's ok. The Popes goes to Rome and say's I have some good news and bad news the good news is we made one trillion dollars the bad news is we lost our deal with wonder bread." + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Religious", + "output": "A man joining a monestary was told he was to take a vow of silence and was only to be allowed to speak two words every five years.After the first five years had passed he walked into the chambers of the head Monk and said \"Bed Hard\", then turned and walked out. After the next five years passed he returned to the chambers of the head Monk and said \" Food Cold \", then turned and walked out. After the next five years had passd he once again entered the chambers of the head Monk and said \"I Quit\". The head Monk looked at him and replied. \"Well, that doesn't surprise me one bit, you've done nothing but complain since you got here\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Religious", + "output": "A black preacher and a white preacher went on a hillside to find out if God was black or white. The white preacher askes, \"God, are you black or white\"? God responds, \"I Am that I Am\". The white preacher says \"He's white\". The black preacher says, \"Why do you say that\"?! The white preacher says, \"If He were black, He would have said, 'I Is that I Is'\"." + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Religious", + "output": "Three Pastors from the south were having lunch in a diner. One said, \"Ya know, since summer started I've been having trouble with bats in my loft and attic at church. I've tried everything-noise, spray, cats-nothing seems to scare them away. Another said, \"Yea, me too. I've got hundreds living in my belfry and in the attic. I've even had the place fumigated, and they won't go away.\" The third said, \"I baptized all mine, and made them members of the church... Haven't seen one back since!\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Religious", + "output": "there two boys and they live in a small little town in virginia. These two boys are especially bad and are always in trouble. after the two boys got cought for steeling one day there mothers sent them to talk to the town priest. So the two boys went to talk to the pastor and the pastor asked the smallest child to come in and talk to him. well the pastor asked the young child \"do you believe in god?\" the young boy answered shyly \"yes\" so the pastor said ok \"do you know where god is?\" the young boy had a puzzled look on his face and said \"nope\" so the pastor said again \"do you know where god is?\" the boy looked back and said \"i alreay told you no\" so the pastor asked a last time \"do you know where god is?\" at that time the boy ran out the room and to his older brother. The older brother asked \"whats wrong?\" the young boy answered \"were in big trouble now\" \"oh well were always in trouble whats the big deal?\" the young boy answered \"now God is missing and they thing we've done it.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Computers", + "output": "One day, a mechanical engineer, electrical engineer, chemical engineer, and computer engineer were driving down the street in the same car when it broke down.The mechanical engineer said, \"I think a rod broke.\"The chemical engineer said, \"The way it sputtered at the end, I think it's not getting enough gas.\"The electrical engineer said, \"I think there was a spark and something's wrong with the electrical system.\"All three turned to the computer engineer and said, \"What do you think?\"The computer engineer said, \"I think we should all get out and then get back in.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Computers", + "output": "Reaching the end of a job interview, the human resources person asked a young engineer fresh out of MIT, \"And what starting salary were you looking for?\"The engineer said, \"In the neighborhood of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package.\" The interviewer said, \"Well, what would you say to a five-week vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching your retirement fund to 50% of your salary, and a company car leased every two years, say, a red Corvette?\"The young engineer sat up straight and said, \"Wow! Are you kidding?\"The interviewer replied, \"Yeah, but you started it.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Computers", + "output": "An application was for employment A program was a TV show A cursor used profanity A keyboard was a piano! Memory was something that you lost with age A CD was a bank account And if you had a 3 1/2 inch floppy You hoped nobody found out! Compress was something you did to garbage Not something you did to a file And if you unzipped anything in public You'd be in jail for a while! Log on was adding wood to a fire Hard drive was a long trip on the road A mouse pad was where a mouse lived And a backup happened to your commode! Cut - you did with a pocket knife Paste you did with glue A web was a spider's home And a virus was the flu! I guess I'll stick to my pad and paper And the memory in my head I hear nobody's been killed in a computer crash But when it happens they wish they were dead!" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Computers", + "output": "This memo is to announce the development of a new software system which will be Year 2000 compliant. This program is known as \"Millennia Year Application Software System\" (MYASS). Next Monday there will be a meeting in which I will show MYASS to everyone. We will hold demonstrations throughout the month so that all employees will have an opportunity to get a good look at MYASS. We have not addressed networking aspects yet, so currently only one person at a time can use MYASS. This restriction will be removed after MYASS expands. Some employees have begun using the program already. This morning I walked into a subordinate's office and was not surprised to find that he had his nose buried in MYASS. Some of the less technical people may be somewhat afraid of MYASS. Last week my secretary said to me, \"I'm a little nervous, I never put anything in MYASS before.\" I helped her through the first time and afterward she admitted that it was relatively painless and she was actually looking forward to doing it again, and was even ready to kiss MYASS. There have been concerns over the virus that was found in MYASS upon initial installation, but the virus has been eliminated and we were able to save MYASS. In the future, however, protection will be required prior to entering MYASS. This database will encompass all information associated with the business. As you begin using the program, feel free to put anything you want in MYASS. As MYASS grows larger, we envision a time when it will be commonplace for a supervisor to hand work to an employee and say, \"here, stick this in MYASS.\" It will be a great day when we need data quickly and our employees can respond, \"Here it is, I just pulled it out of MYASS.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Lawyers", + "output": "Recently a teacher, a garbage collector, and a lawyer wound up together at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter informed them that in order to get into Heaven, they would each have to answer one question. St. Peter addressed the teacher and asked, \"What was the name of the ship that crashed into the iceberg? They just made a movie about it.\" The teacher answered quickly, \"That would be the Titanic.\" St. Peter let him through the gate. St. Peter turned to the garbage man and, figuring Heaven didn't REALLY need all the odors that this guy would bring with him, decided to make the question a little harder: \"How many people died on the ship?\" Fortunately for him, the trash man had just seen the movie and answered, \"about 1,500.\" \"That's right! You may enter.\" St. Peter then turned to the lawyer. \"Name them.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Lawyers", + "output": "A big-city California lawyer went duck hunting in rural Texas. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing. The litigator responded, \"I shot a duck and it fell into this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it.\" The old farmer replied, \"This is my property, and you are not coming over here.\" The indignant lawyer said, \"I am one of the best trial attorneys in the U.S. and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own.\" The old farmer smiled and said, \"Apparently, you don't know how we do things in Texas. We settle small disagreements like this with the Texas Three-Kick-Rule.\" The lawyer asked, What is the Texas Three-Kick-Rule?.\" The farmer replied, \"Well, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times, and so on, back and forth, until someone gives up.\" The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom. The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the city feller. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees. His second kick nearly wiped the man's nose off his face. The barrister was flat on this belly when the farmer's third kick to a kidney nearly caused him to give up. The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet and said, \"OK, you old coot! now, it's my turn.\" The old farmer smiled and said, \"No I give up, you can have the duck." + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Lawyers", + "output": "A local United Way office realized that the organization had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer. The person in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute.\"Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000, you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the community in some way?\"The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, \"First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?\"Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbled, \"Um ... no.\"The lawyer interrupts, \"or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?\"The stricken United Way rep began to stammer out an apology, but was interrupted again.\"or that my sister's husband died in a traffic accident,\" the lawyer's voice rising in indignation, \"leaving her penniless with three children?!\"The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, said simply, \"I had no idea...\"On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again, \"So if I don't give any money to them, why should I give any to you?\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Lawyers", + "output": "The bartender asks the guy sitting at the bar, 'What'll you have?' The guy answers, 'A scotch, please.' The bartender hands him the drink, and says 'That'll be five dollars,' to which the guy replies, 'What are you talking about? I don't owe you anything for this.' A lawyer, sitting nearby and overhearing the conversation, then says to the bartender, 'You know, he's got you there. In the original offer, which constitutes a binding contract upon acceptance, there was no stipulation of remuneration.' The bartender was not impressed, but says to the guy, 'Okay, you beat me for a drink. But don't ever let me catch you in here again.' The next day, same guy walks into the bar. Bartender says, 'What the heck are you doing in here? I can't believe you've got the audacity to come back!' The guy says, 'What are you talking about? I've never been in this place in my life!' The bartender replies, 'I'm very sorry, but this is uncanny. You must have a double.' To which the guy replies, 'Thank you. Make it a scotch.'" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Lawyers", + "output": "Two lawyers are in a bank, when, suddenly, armed robbers burst in. While several of the robbers take the money from the tellers, others line the customers, including the lawyers, up against a wall, and proceed to take their wallets, watches, etc. While this is going on lawyer number one jams something in lawyer number two's hand.Without looking down, lawyer number two whispers, \"What is this?\" to which lawyer number one replies, \"It's that $50 I owe you.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Lawyers", + "output": "Lawyer: I have some good news and some bad news. Client: Well, give me the bad news first. Lawyer: The bad news is that the DNA tests showed that it was your blood they found all over the crime scene Client: Oh no! I'm ruined! What's the good news? Lawyer: The good news is your cholesterol is down to 130!" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Lawyers", + "output": "A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband, \"Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin.\" \"What?\" said the puzzled groom. \"How can that be if you've been married ten times?\" \"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative; he kept telling me how great it was going to be. Husband #2 was in software services; he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me. Husband #3 was from field services; he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up. Husband #4 was in telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver. Husband #5 was an engineer; he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method. Husband #6 was from finance and administration; he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not. Husband #7 was in marketing; although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it. Husband #8 was a psychologist; all he ever did was talk about it. Husband #9 was a gynecologist; all he did was look at it. Husband #10 was a stamp collector; all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!\" \"Good,\" said the new husband, \"but, why?\" \"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Lawyers", + "output": "A trial had been scheduled in a small town, but the court clerk had forgotten to call in a jury panel. Rather than adjourning what he thought was an exceptionally simple case, the judge ordered his bailiff to go through the courthouse and round up enough people to form a jury. The bailiff returned with a group of lawyers.The prosecutor felt that it would be an interesting experiment to try a case before a jury of lawyers, and the defense counsel had no objection, so a jury was impaneled. And the trial went very quickly -- after only an hour of testimony, and very short closing arguments, both sides rested. The jury was then instructed by the judge, and was sent back to the jury room to deliberate.After nearly six hours, the trial court was concerned that the jury had not returned with a verdict. The case had in fact turned out to be every bit as simple as he had expected, and it seemed to him that they should have been back in minutes. He sent the bailiff to the jury room, to see if they needed anything.The bailiff returned, and the judge asked, \"Are they close to reaching a verdict?\" The bailiff shook his head, and replied, \"You're honor, they're still doing nomination speeches for the position of foreman.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Lawyers", + "output": "A lawyer was on his deathbed in his bedroom, and he called to his wife. She rushed in and said, \"What is it, honey?\"He told her to run and get the bible as soon as possible. Being a religious woman, she thought this was a good idea. She ran and got it, prepared to read him his favorite verse or something of the sort. He snatched it from her and began quickly scanning pages, his eyes darting right and left. The wife was curious, so she asked, \"What are you doing, honey?\"\"I'm looking for loopholes!\" he shouted." + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Lawyers", + "output": "Three paramedics were boasting about improvements in their respective ambulance team's response times.\"Since we installed our new satellite navigation system,\" bragged the first one, \"we cut our emergency response time by ten percent.\"The other paramedics nodded in approval. \"Not bad,\" the second paramedic commented. \"But by using a computer model of traffic patterns, we've cut our average ERT by 20 percent.\"Again, the other team members gave their congratulations, until the third paramedic said, \"That's nothing! Since our ambulance driver passed the bar exam, we've cut our emergency response time in half!\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Lawyers", + "output": "An attorney telephoned the governor just after midnite, insisting that he talk to him regarding a matter of utmost urgency.An aide eventually agreed to wake up the governor. \"So, what is it?\" grumbled the governor. \"Judge Garber has just died\" said the attorney, \"and I want to take his place.\" Replied the governor: \"Well, it's OK with me if it's OK with the undertaker.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Lawyers", + "output": "An investment counselor went out on her own. She was shrewd and diligent, so business kept coming in, and pretty soon she realized she needed an in-house counsel, so she began interviewing young lawyers. 'As I'm sure you can understand,' she started off with one of the first applicants, 'in a business like this, our personal integrity must be beyond question.' She leaned forward. 'Mr. Peterson, are you an *honest* lawyer?' 'Honest?' replied the job prospect. 'Let me tell you something about honesty. Why, I'm so honest that my father lent me fifteen thousand dollars for my education and I paid back every penny the minute I tried my very first case.' 'Impressive..... And what sort of case was that?' The lawyer squirmed in his seat and admitted, 'He sued me for the money.'" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Lawyers", + "output": "A barber gave a haircut to a priest one day. The priest tried to pay for the haircut but the barber refused saying, \"I cannot accept money from you, for you are a good man - you do God's work.\" The next morning the barber found a dozen bibles at the door to his shop.A policeman came to the barber for a haircut, and again the barber refused payment saying, \"I cannot accept money from you, for you are a good man - you protect the public.\" The next morning the barber found a dozen doughnuts at the door to his shop.A lawyer came to the barber for a haircut, and again the barber refused payment saying, \"I cannot accept money from you, for you are a good man - you serve the justice system.\" The next morning the barber found a dozen more lawyers waiting for a haircut." + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Lawyers", + "output": "A doctor and a lawyer were talking at a party. Their conversation was constantly interrupted by people describing their ailments and asking the doctor for free medical advice. After an hour of this, the exasperated doctor asked the lawyer, \"What do you do to stop people from asking you for legal advice when you're out of the office?\"\"I give it to them,\" replied the lawyer, \"and then I send them a bill.\"The doctor was shocked, but agreed to give it a try. The next day, still feeling slightly guilty, the doctor prepared the bills. When he went to place them in his mailbox, he found a bill from the lawyer." + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Lawyers", + "output": "At the United Way in a fairly small town a volunteer worker noticed that the most successful lawyer in the whole town hadn't made a contribution. This guy was making about $600,000 a year so the volunteer thought, \"Why not call him up?\"He calls up the lawyer.\"Sir, according to our research you haven't made a contribution to the United Way, would you like to do so?\"The lawyer responds, \"A contribution? Does your research show that I have an invalid mother who requires expensive surgery once a year just to stay alive?\"The worker is feeling a bit embarrassed and says, \"Well, no sir, I'm...\"\"Does your research show that my sister's husband was killed in a car accident? She has three kids and no means of support!\"The worker is feeling quite embarrassed at this point. \"I'm terribly sorry...\"\"Does your research show that my brother broke his neck on the job and now requires a full time nurse to have any kind of normal life?\"The worker is completely humiliated at this point. \"I am sorry sir, please forgive me...\"\"The gall of you people! I don't give them anything, so why should I give it to you!\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Lawyers", + "output": "A doctor and a lawyer were talking at a party. Their conversation was constantly interrupted by people describing their ailments and asking the doctor for free medical advice. After an hour of this, the exasperated doctor asked the lawyer, \"What do you do to stop people from asking you for legal advice when you're out of the office?\"\"I give it to them,\" replied the lawyer, \"and then I send them a bill.\"The doctor was shocked, but agreed to give it a try. The next day, still feeling slightly guilty, the doctor prepared the bills.When he went to place them in his mailbox, he found a bill from the lawyer." + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Lawyers", + "output": "Q: What do you call 20 lawyers skydiving? A: Skeet. Q: What do lawyers use for birth control? A: Their personalities. Q: What is the difference between a tick and a lawyer? A: A tick falls off of you when you die. Q: Why does the law society prohibit sex between lawyers and their clients? A: To prevent clients from being billed twice for essentially the same service. Q: What do you have when 100 lawyers are buried up to their neck in sand? A: Not enough sand. Q: What's the difference between a dead dog in the road and a dead lawyer in the road? A: There are skid marks in front of the dog. Q: What is black and brown and looks good on a lawyer? A: A Doberman. Q: Why are lawyers like nuclear weapons? A: If one side has one, the other side has to get one. Once launched, they cannot be recalled. When they land, they screw up everything forever. Q: What do lawyers and sperm have in common? A: One in 3,000,000 has a chance of becoming a human being. Q: Did you hear that the Post Office just recalled their latest stamps? A: They had pictures of lawyers on them ... and people couldn't figure out which side to spit on. Q: What's the difference between a female lawyer and a pit bull? A: Lipstick. Q:You're trapped in a room with a tiger, a rattlesnake, and a lawyer. A:You have a gun with two bullets. What should you do? Shoot the lawyer. Twice." + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Lawyers", + "output": "A Mafia Godfather, accompanied by his attorney, walks into aroom to meet with his former accountant.The Godfather asks the accountant, \"Where is the 3 million bucksyou embezzled from me?\" The accountant does not answer.The Godfather asks again, \"Where is the 3 million bucks youembezzled from me?\"The attorney interrupts, \"Sir, the man is a deaf mute and cannotunderstand you, but I can interpret for you.\"The Godfather says, \"Well ask him where my damn money is!\" Theattorney, using sign language, asks the accountant where the 3million dollars is.The accountant signs back, \"I don't know what you are talking about.\"The attorney interprets to the Godfather, \"He doesn't know whatyou are talking about.\"The Godfather pulls out a 9 millimeter pistol, puts it to thetemple of the accountant, cocks the trigger and says, \"Ask himagain where my damn money is!\"The attorney signs to the accountant, \"He wants to know whereit is!\"The accountant signs back, \"OK! OK! OK! The money is hidden ina brown suitcase behind the shed in my backyard!\"The Godfather says, \"Well....what did he say?\"The attorney interprets to the Godfather, \"He says...go to hell.....that you don't have the guts to pull the trigger.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Lawyers", + "output": "After years of hard work, Joe took his first vacation on a luxury cruise ship. In a deck chair, he recognized a former high school classmate, a long-lost friend from his old hometown.He crossed the deck, seized the fellow's hand and said: \"Hello, Pete. I haven't seen you in years. What are you doing these days?\"\"I'm practicing law,\" whispered Pete. \"But don't tell mother. She thinks I'm still a pimp.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Lawyers", + "output": "A defendant was on trial for murder. There was very strong evidence indicating guilt, but no corpse had been found. In the defense's closing statement the lawyer, knowing that his client would probably be convicted, decided to try a trick. \"Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I have a surprise for you all,\" the lawyer said as he looked at his watch. \"Within one minute, the person presumed dead in this case will walk into this courtroom!\" He looked toward the courtroom door. The jurors, somewhat stunned, all looked, eagerly. A minute passed. Nothing happened. Finally, the lawyer said, \"Actually, I made up the previous statement. But you all looked on with anticipation. I therefore put it to you that there is reasonable doubt in this case as to whether anyone was killed and insist that you return a verdict of not guilty.\" With that, the jury retired to deliberate. But after only a few minutes, they came back and pronounced a verdict of guilty. \"But how?\" the lawyer asked. \"You must have had some doubt. I saw all of you stare at the door.\" \"Oh, yes,\" the jury foreman replied. \"We all looked - but your client didn't!\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Military", + "output": "An airliner was having engine trouble, and the pilot instructed the cabin crew to have the passengers take their seats and get prepared for an emergency landing. A few minutes later, the pilot asked the flight attendants if everyone was buckled in and ready. \"All set back here, Captain,\" came the reply, \"except one lawyer who is still going around passing out business cards.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Lawyers", + "output": "An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his dossier and says, \"Ah, you're an engineer -- you're in the wrong place.\"So, the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in. Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements. After awhile, they've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy.One day, God calls Satan up on the telephone and says with a sneer, \"So, how's it going down there in hell?\"Satan replies, \"Hey, things are going great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next.\"God replies, \"What??? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake -- he should never have gotten down there; send him up here.\" Satan says, \"No way.\" I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him.\" God says, \"Send him back up here or I'll sue.\"Satan laughs uproariously and answers, \"Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Lawyers", + "output": "At the height of a political corruption trial, the prosecuting attorney attacked a witness. \"Isn't it true,\" he bellowed, \"that you accepted five thousand dollars to compromise this case?\"The witness stared out the window, as though he hadn't hear the question.\"Isn't it true that you accepted five thousand dollars to compromise this case?\" the lawyer repeated loudly.The witness still did not respond.Finally, the judge leaned over and said, \"Sir, please answer the question.\"\"Oh,\" the startled witness said, \"I thought he was talking to you.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Lawyers", + "output": "The devil visited a lawyer's office and made him an offer. \"I can arrange some things for you, \" the devil said. \"I'll increase your income five-fold. Your partners will love you; your clients will respect you; you'll have four months of vacation each year and live to be a hundred. All I require in return is that your wife's soul, your children's souls, and their children's souls rot in hell for eternity.\"The lawyer thought for a moment and asked, \"What's the catch?\"." + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Lawyers", + "output": "A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing \"Love\" stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them.His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he is doing. The man says, \"I'm sending out 1,000 Valentine cards signed, 'Guess who?'\"\"But why?\" asks the man.\"I'm a divorce lawyer,\" the man replies." + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Lawyers", + "output": "NASA was interviewing professionals to be sent to Mars. Only one could go and couldn’t return to Earth.The first applicant, an engineer, was asked how much he wanted to be paid for going. \"A million dollars,\" he answered, \"because I want to donate it to M.I.T.\"The next applicant, a doctor, was asked the same question. He asked for $2 million. \"I want to give a million to my family,\" he explained, \"and leave the other million for the advancement of medical research.\"The last applicant was a lawyer. When asked how much money he wanted, he whispered in the interviewer’s ear, \"Three million dollars.\"\"Why so much more than the others?\" asked the interviewer.The lawyer replied, \"If you give me $3 million, I’ll give you $1 million, I’ll keep $1 million, and we’ll send the engineer to Mars.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Lawyers", + "output": "A clever attorney was convinced he found a way to take all of his riches with him when he died. When he finally became ill and saw that death was imminent, he instructed his wife to sell all of his investments and buy gold coins with the proceeds. She was instructed to place the gold in several bags with handles and place them in the attic directly over his bedroom. His plan was that when he died, his soul would rise up out of his body and ascend to heaven. As he passed through the attic, he would grab the bags of gold and take them with him. Days later he finally died and the next day his wife went to the attic to see if the gold was gone, but found it was all still there. \"The damn fool,\" she said to herself. \"I told him we should have placed the bags in the basement.\" Moral: We're not going to be able to take it with us when we go. Even if we're so clever as to place half our riches in the attic and half in the basement, they'll probably take us out the side door!" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Lawyers", + "output": "A dying man gathered his Lawyer, Doctor and Clergyman at his bed side and handed each of them an envelope containing $25,000 in cash. He made them each promise that after his death and during his repose, they would place the three envelopes in his coffin. He told them that he wanted to have enough money to enjoy the next life.A week later the man died. At the Wake, the Lawyer and Doctor and Clergyman, each concealed an envelope in the coffin and bid their old client and friend farewell. By chance, these three met several months later. Soon the Clergyman, feeling guilty, blurted out a confession saying that there was only $10,000 in the envelope he placed in the coffin. He felt, rather than waste all the money, he would send it to a Mission in South America. He asked for their forgiveness. The Doctor, moved by the gentle Clergymans sincerity, confessed that he too had kept some of the money for a worthy medical charity. The envelope, he admitted, had only $8000 in it. He said, he too could not bring himself to waste the money so frivolously when it could be used to benefit others.By this time the Lawyer was seething with self-righteous outrage. He expressed his deep disappointment in the felonious behavior of two of his oldest and most trusted friends. \"I am the only one who kept his promise to our dying friend. I want you both to know that the envelope I placed in the coffin contained the full amount. Indeed, my envelope contained my personal check for the entire $25,000.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Lawyers", + "output": "Somebody from a local charity is going over some files and realizes he hasn't gotten any donations from the towns most succesful lawyer.So the man calls the lawyer and says \"Our records show that you haven't made any donations to us\". Then the lawyer says \"well, did your records show that my mom is sick with bills three times her annual income, or that my sister's husband died in an accident which leaved her penniless with three children, or that my brother is blind and has no money to pay for an aid or a nurse\".\"Ummmmm sorry\" replied the man, \"I had no idea\". Then the lawyer says \"So if I don't give any money to them why would I give any money to you?\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Lawyers", + "output": "A man is at his lawyer's funeral and and is surprised by the turnout for this one man. He turns to the people around him. \"Why are you all at this man's funeral?\" A man turns towards him and says, \"We're all clients.\" \"And you ALL came to pay your respects? How touching.\" \"No, we came to make sure he was dead.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Lawyers", + "output": "While two families were waiting in line to see the Washington Monument, their two five-year-old boys were getting acquainted. \"My name is Joshua. What's yours?\" asked the first boy. \"Adam,\" replied the second. \"My daddy is a doctor. What does your daddy do for a living?\" asked Joshua.Adam proudly replied, \"My daddy is a lawyer.\"\"Honest?\" asked Joshua.\"No, just the regular kind,\" replied Adam." + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Business", + "output": "Three construction contractors were visiting a tourist attraction on the same day. One was from New York, another from Texas, and the third from Florida. At the end of the tour, the tour guide asked them what they did for a living. When they all replied that they were construction contractors, the guide said, \"Hey, we need one of the rear fences redone. Why don't you guys take a look at it and give me a bid?\" So, to the back fence they all went to check it out. First to step up was the Florida contractor. He took out his tape measure and pencil, did some measuring and said, \"Well I figure the job will run about $900. $400 for materials, $400 for my crew, and $100 profit for me.\" Next was the Texas contractor. He also took out his tape measure and pencil, did some quick figuring and said, \"Looks like I can do this job for $700. $300 for materials, $300 for my crew, and $100 profit for me.\" Without so much as moving, the New York contractor said, \"$2,700.\" The guide, incredulous, looked at him and said, \"You didn't even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?\" \"Easy,\" he said. \"$1,000 for me, $1,000 for you and we hire the guy from Texas.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Lawyers", + "output": "A priest, a doctor, and a lawyer were waiting one morning on a particularly slow group of golfers.\"What's wrong with these guys?\" fumed the lawyer. \"We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!\"\"I don't know,\" said the doctor, \"but I've never seen such ineptitude!\"\"Here comes the greenskeeper,\" said the priest. \"Let's have a word with him. Say, George, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow. aren't they?\"\"Oh, yes,\" said George, \"That's the group of blind firefighters. They lost their sight while saving our club last year. We let them play here anytime free of charge!\"Everyone was silent for a moment. Then the priest said, \"That's so sad, I think I'll say a prayer for them tonight.\"\"And I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there is anything he can do for them,\" the doctor added.\"Why can't these guys play at night?\" asked the lawyer." + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Lawyers", + "output": "A lawyer and two friends--a Rabbi, and a Hindu holy man--had car trouble in the countryside and asked to spend the night with a farmer. The farmer said, \"There might be a problem. You see, I only have room for two to sleep in the house. So one of you must sleep in the barn.\" \"No problem,\" chimed the Rabbi. \"My people wandered in the desert for forty years. I am humble enough to sleep in the barn for one evening.\" With that he departed to the barn, and the others bedded down for the night. Moments later a knock was heard at the door; the farmer opened the door. There stood the Rabbi from the barn. \"What's wrong?\" asked the farmer. He replied, \"I am grateful to you, but I just can't sleep in the barn. There is a pig in the barn, and my faith believes that is an unclean animal.\"His Hindu friend agrees to swap places with him. But a few minutes later the same scene reoccurs. There is a knock on the door. \"What's wrong?\" the farmer asks. The Hindu holy man replies, \"I, too, am grateful for your helping us out, but there is a cow in the barn. In my country cows are considered sacred and I can't sleep on holy ground!\" That left only the lawyer to make the change. He grumbled and complained, but went out to the barn. Moments later there was another knock on the farmer's door. Frustrated and tired, the farmer opens the door, and there stood the pig and the cow." + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Lawyers", + "output": "An old penny pincher had no friends. Just before he died he asked his doctor, lawyer, and pastor to gather around him at bedside.\"I have always heard that you can't take it with you. But I want to disprove that theory,\" he said. \"I have $90,000 under my mattress, and when I die, just before they throw the dirt on me at my burial, I want you each to toss in an envelope with $30,000 within.\"The three attended the funeral and each threw his envelope in the grave. On the way back from the cemetery, the pastor said, \"I must confess. I needed $10,000 for my new church, so I only threw in $20,000.\" The doctor then said, \"I must confess too. I needed $20,000 for a new hospital I was opening up, so I only threw in $10,000.\"The lawyer looked at them both and shook his head. He then said, \"Gentlemen, I'm surprised, shocked, and ashamed of you. I don't see how you could dare to go against that man's final wish. I mean, I threw in my personal check for the full amount…\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Lawyers", + "output": "One morning a blind bunny was hopping down the bunny trail, and he tripped over a large snake and fell, KerPlop!, right on his twitchy little nose. \"Oh, please excuse me!\" said the bunny. \"I didn't mean to trip over you, but I'm blind and can't see.\" \"That's perfectly all right,\" replied the snake. \"To be sure, it was my fault. I didn't mean to trip you, but I'm blind too, and I didn't see you coming. By the way, what kind of animal are you?\"\"Well, I really don't know,\" said the bunny. \"I'm blind, and I've never seen myself. Maybe you could examine me and find out.\"So the snake felt the bunny all over, and he said, \"Well, you're soft, and cuddly, and you have long silky ears, and a little fluffy tail and a dear twitchy little nose... You must be a bunny rabbit!\"Then he said, \"I can't thank you enough, but by the way, what kind of animal are you?\"And the snake replied that he didn't know, and the bunny agreed to examine him, and when he was finished, the snake said, \"Well, what kind of an animal am I?\"So the bunny felt the snake all over, and he replied, \"You're hard, you're cold, you're slimy and you haven't got any balls... You must be a lawyer.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Lawyers", + "output": "For three years, the young attorney had been taking his brief vacations at this country inn. The last time he'd finally managed an affair with the innkeeper's daughter. Looking forward to an exciting few days, he dragged his suitcase up the stairs of the inn, then stopped short. There sat his lover with an infant on her lap! \"Helen, why didn't you write when you learned you were pregnant?\" he cried. \"I would have rushed up here, we could have gotten married, and the baby would have my name!\" \"Well,\" she said, \"when my folks found out about my condition, we sat up all night talkin' and talkin' and decided it would be better to have a bastard in the family than a lawyer.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Lawyers", + "output": "Q. Why are lawyers like nuclear weapons? A. If one side has one, the other side has to get one. Once launched, they cannot be recalled. When they land, they screw up everything forever." + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Lawyers", + "output": "A lawyer opened the door of his BMW, when suddenly a car came along and hit the door, ripping it off completely. When the police arrived at the scene, the lawyer was complaining bitterly about the damage to his precious BMW.\"Officer, look what they've done to my Beeeemer!!!\", he whined.\"You lawyers are so materialistic, you make me sick!!!\" retorted the officer, \"You're so worried about your stupid BMW, that you didn't even notice that your left arm was ripped off!!!\"\"Oh my gaaad....\", replied the lawyer, finally noticing the bloody left shoulder where his arm once was, \"Where's my Rolex???!!!!!\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Lawyers", + "output": "A minister and lawyer were chatting at a party:\"What do you do if you make a mistake on a case?\" the minister asked.\"Try to fix it if it's big; ignore it if it's insignificant,\" replied the lawyer.\"What do you do?\"The minister replied, \"Oh, more or less the same. Let me give you an example. The other day I meant to say 'the devil is the father of liars,' but instead I said 'the devil is the father of lawyers,' so I let it go.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Lawyers", + "output": "The top ten things that sound dirty in law (but aren't!)10. Have you looked through her briefs? 9. He is one hard judge! 8. Counselor, let's do it in chambers. 7. Her attorney withdrew at the last minute. 6. Is it a penal offense? 5. Better leave the handcuffs on. 4. For $200 an hour, she better be good! 3. Can you get him to drop his suit? 2. The judge gave her the stiffest one he could.And the number 1 thing that sounds dirty in law but isn't: 1. Think you can get me off?" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Lawyers", + "output": "A truck driver frequently traveled through a small town where there was a courthouse at the side of the road. Of course, there were always lawyers walking along the road. The truck driver made it a practice to hit any pedestrian lawyers with his truck as he sped by. One day, he spotted a priest walking along the road and stopped to give him a ride. A little further along, as he approached the town, he spotted a lawyer walking along the side of the road. Automatically, he veered his truck towards the lawyer, but...then he remembered his passenger. He swerved back to the center, but he heard a \"whump\" and in the rear view mirror he spotted the lawyer rolling across the field. He turned to the priest and said, \"Father, I'm sure that I missed that lawyer!\" And the priest replied, \"That's OK, my son, I got him with the door.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Lawyers", + "output": "A man was sent to Hell for his sins. As he was being taken to his place of eternal torment, he passed a room where a lawyer was having an intimate encounter with a beautiful young woman. \"What a ripoff,\" the man muttered. \"I have to roast for all eternity, and that lawyer gets to spend it with a beautiful woman.\" Jabbing the man with his pitchfork, the escorting demon snarled, \"Who are you to question that woman's punishment?\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Political", + "output": "\"Daddy,\" a little girl asked her father, \"do all fairy tales begin with 'Once upon a time'? \"\"No, sweetheart,\" he answered. \"Some begin with 'If I am elected.'\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Political", + "output": "Einstein dies and goes to heaven. At the Pearly Gates, Saint Peter tells him, \"You look like Einstein, but you have NO idea the lengths that some people will go to sneak into Heaven. Can you prove who you really are?\" Einstein ponders for a few seconds and asks, \"Could I have a blackboard and some chalk?\" Saint Peter snaps his fingers and a blackboard and chalk instantly appear. Einstein proceeds to describe with arcane mathematics and symbols his theory of relativity. Saint Peter is suitably impressed. \"You really ARE Einstein!\" he says. \"Welcome to heaven!\" The next to arrive is Picasso. Once again, Saint Peter asks for credentials. Picasso asks, \"Mind if I use that blackboard and chalk?\" Saint Peter says, \"Go ahead.\" Picasso erases Einstein's equations and sketches a truly stunning mural with just a few strokes of chalk. Saint Peter claps. \"Surely you are the great artist you claim to be!\" he says. \"Come on in!\" Then Saint Peter looks up and sees George W. Bush. Saint Peter scratches his head and says, \"Einstein and Picasso both managed to prove their identity. How can you prove yours?\" George W. looks bewildered and says, \"Who are Einstein and Picasso?\" Saint Peter sighs and says, \"Come on in, George.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Political", + "output": "Clinton walks out into his garden one day and in the snow he says \"bastard\" written in piss. He is so outraged he goes into the oval office and calls the CIA and FBI to tell them to find out who did this horrible thing to his garden. So they go out and investigate and when they return they say \"Well Bill, we've got bad news and we've got worse news, which one would you like to hear first?\" And Bill says, \"What's the bad news?\" The agent replies, \"It was Al Gore.\" Aghast Bill yells, \"That dirty no good son of a #$@&*!!!!! What's the worse news?\" So the agent says, \"It was Hillary's handwriting...\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Political", + "output": "One day the pope was in from Italy and after a rough week of meeting arch bishops and other religious figures, he decided to go see the Galveston shore in Texas. When he arrives in his popemobile he sees a man strugling for his life aginst a shark. Upon a closer look he notices that it is John Kerry. Horrified he starts to call for help when a speedboat pulls up along side Mr Kerry, with GW and Dick Cheney on board. Dick Checny leans over and pulls him out. Then George W, and Dick Cheney begin to beat the shark to death with baseball bats. The two men notice the Pope and land the boat on the beach. The pope said to the men, \"I know that there has been alot of attention and alot of strife in this election, but I can see that you two men respect each other and would help each other in their house of need. You have my blessings\" Then the pope packs off and drives out of site. Bush asks, \"Who was that?\" \"That was the pope Mr President, he is all knowing and in touch with god. Leader of the Chatholic Church\" Said Dick. Bush says, \"Well thats all neat and fine, but he dosent know anything about shark fishing. Hows the bait holding up?\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Political", + "output": "The President and Mrs. Clinton are in the front row just above the dugout at a Yankees game. The row behind them is taken up with SecretService agents. One of them leans over and whispers something in thePresident's ear.President Clinton pauses, then grabs Hillary by the scruff of the neckand heaves her over the railing. She falls 10 feet to the top of thedug out, kicking and screaming obscenities all the way down, and aftershe lands, the President bows to the crowd, and shakes hands and \"highfive's\" everyone near him.The same Secret Service agent again leans over and whispers, \"No Mr.President, I said, they want you to throw out the first PITCH.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Political", + "output": "The last four U.S. Presidents are caught in a tornado in Kansas, and off they spin to the Land of OZ. After threatening trials and tribulations, they finally make it to the Emerald City and come before the Great Wizard.\"WHAT BRINGS YOU BEFORE THE GREAT WIZARD? WHAT DO YOU WANT?\"Jimmy Carter steps forward timidly:\"I had a terrible time with Iran, so I've come for some courage.\"\"No problem\" says the Wizard, \"WHO IS NEXT?\"Ronald Reagan steps forward, \"Well.., Well.., Well.., I need a brain.\"\"Done\" says the Wizard.\"Who comes next before the Great Wizard?\"Up steps George Bush sadly, \"I'm told by the American people that Ineed a heart.\"\"I've heard it's true\" says the Wizard. \"Consider it done.\"Then there is a great silence.Bill Clinton is just standing there, looking around, but doesn't say a word.Irritated, the Wizard finally asks, \"WHAT BRINGS YOU TO THE EMERALD CITY!?\"And Willie replies - \"Is Dorothy around?\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Political", + "output": "Last summer, the President and Mrs. Clinton were vacationing in their home state of Arkansas. On a venture one day, they stopped at a service station to fill up the car with gas. It seemed that the owner of the station was once Hillary's high school love.They exchanged hellos, and went on their way.As they were driving on to their destination, Bill put his arm around Hillary and said, \"Well, honey, if you had stayed with him, you would be the wife of a service station owner today.\"She smirked and replied, \"No, if I had stayed with him, he would be President of the United States.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Aviation", + "output": "John Kerry visits a primary school and sits in on one of the classes, which is in the middle of a discussion of words and their meaning. The teacher asks Mr. Kerry if he would like to lead the discussion of the word \"tragedy\". So, the illustrious leader asks the class for an example of a \"tragedy.\" One little boy stands up and offers: \"If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playing in the field and a runaway tractor comes along and knocks him dead, that would be a tragedy. \"That's wrong,\" Kerry says. \"That would be considered an accident.\" A little girl raises her hand: \"If a school bus carrying 50 children drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy.\" \"You are completely incorrect\" says the Senator. \"That would be what we would consider a great loss\". The room goes silent. No other children volunteer. Kerry searches the room. \"Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?\" Finally at the back of the room a small boy raises his hand. In a quiet voice he says: \"If a plane carrying Senator John Kerry was struck by a missile and blown to smithereens, that would be a tragedy\". \"Fantastic !\" exclaims Kerry. \"You are absolutely right. Can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?\" \"Well,\" says the boy, \"because it sure as heck wouldn't be a great loss and it probably wouldn't be an accident!\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Political", + "output": "Sen. John Kerry, recovering from prostate surgery, was told it would be six weeks before he could be sexually active. John Edwards called to wish Kerry well. Al Sharpton called Kerry to offer prayers. Howard Dean called with encouragement on recovery. Bill Clinton called Teresa." + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Political", + "output": "Before the inauguration, George W. was invited to a 'get acquainted' tour of the White House. After drinking several glasses of iced tea, he asked President Clinton if he could use his personal bathroom. He was astonished to see that the President had a solid gold urinal!That afternoon, George W. told his wife, Laura, about the urinal. \"Just think,\" he said, \"when I am President, I'll have my own personal gold urinal!\"Later, when Laura had lunch with Hillary at her tour of the White House, she told Hillary how impressed George had been with his discovery of the fact that, in the President's private bathroom, the President had a gold urinal. That evening, Bill and Hillary were getting ready for bed. Hillary turned to Bill and said, \"Well, I found out who peed in your saxophone.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Political", + "output": "An Israeli doctor said, \"Medicine in my country is so advanced, we can take a kidney out of one person, put it in another and have him looking for work in six weeks.\" A German doctor said \"That's nothing! In Germany, we can take a lung out of one person, put it in another and have him looking for work in four weeks.\" A Russian doctor said, \"In my country, medicine is so advanced, we can take half a heart from one person, put it in another and have them both looking for work in two weeks.\" The American doctor, not to be outdone, said \"Hah! We are about to take an butthole out of Texas, put him in the White House and half the country will be looking for work the next day.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Political", + "output": "Dear Abby,I am a crack dealer in New Jersey who has recently been diagnosed as acarrier of the HIV virus. My parents live in a suburb of Philadelphia and one of my sisters, who lives in Bensenville, is married to a transvestite.My father and mother have recently been arrested for growing and sellingmarijuana and are currently dependent on my other two sisters who areprostitutes in Jersey City.I have two brothers. One is currently serving a non-parole life sentence in Attica for murder of a teenage boy in 1994. The other brother is currently being held in the Wellington Remand Center on charges of neglecting his three children.I have recently become engaged to marry a former Thai prostitute who lives in the Bronx and, indeed, is still a part-time \"working girl\" in a brothel. Her time there is limited, however, as we hope to open our own brothel with her as the working manager. I am hoping my two sisters would be interested in joining our team. Although I would prefer them not to prostitute themselves, it would get them off the street, and, hopefully, the heroin.My problem is this: I love my fiance and look forward to bringing her into the family, and of course, I want to be totally honest with her. So here's where I need your advice.Should I tell her about my cousin who voted for Bush?Signed,Worried About My Reputation" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Political", + "output": "One night, G.W. Bush was awakened by George Washington's ghost.Bush saw him and asked, \"George, what is the best thing I could do tohelp the country?\"\"Set an honest and honorable example, just as I did,\" advised George.The next night, the ghost of Thomas Jefferson moved through the darkbedroom.\"Tom, what is the best thing I could do to help the country?\" Bush asked.\"Cut taxes and reduce the size of government,\" advised Tom.Bush didn't sleep well the next night, and saw yet another figuremovingin the shadows. It was Abraham Lincoln's ghost.\"Abe, what is the best thing I could do for the country?\" Bush asked.\"Go to the theater,\" replied Abe." + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Political", + "output": "George W. Bush and Dick Cheney were talking, when George W. said, \"I hate all the dumb George W. jokes people tell about me.\" Wise Old Cheney, feeling sorry for his old boss kid, said sage-like, \"Oh, they are only jokes. There are a lot of stupid people out there. Here, I'll prove it to you.\" Now Cheney, to patronize George W, took him outside and hailed a taxi driver. \"Please take me to 29 Nickel Street to see if I'm home,\" said Cheney. The cab driver without saying a word drove them to Nickel Street, and when they finally got out, Cheney looked at George W. and said, \"See! That guy was really stupid.\" \"No kidding,\" replied George W. \"There was a pay phone just around the corner. You could have called instead.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Political", + "output": "A mid-level executive was so frustrated at being passed over for promotion year after year, that, in frustration, he went to a brain-transplant center in the hope of raising his I.Q. 20 points.After a battery of physical and psychological tests, he was told by the center's director that he was an acceptable candidate.\"That's great!\" the executive said. \"But I understand that this procedure can be really expensive.\"\"Yes, sir, it can,\" the director replied. \"An ounce of accountant's brain for example, costs one thousand dollars; an ounce of an economist's brain costs two thousand; an ounce of a corporate president's is forty-five thousand. An ounce of a Democrat's brain is seventy-five thousand dollars.\"\"Seventy-five thousand dollars for an ounce of a Democrat's brain? Why on earth is that?\"\"Do you have any idea,\" the director asked, \"how many Democrats we would have to kill?\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Political", + "output": "Two friends are discussing politics on Election Day, each trying to no avail to convince the other to switch sides. Finally, one says to the other: ``Look, it's clear that we are unalterably opposed on every political issue. Our votes will surely cancel out. Why not save ourselves some time and both agree to not vote today?'' The other agrees enthusiastically and they part. Shortly after that, a friend of the first one who had heard the conversation says, ``That was a sporting offer you made.'' ``Not really,`` says the second. ``This is the third time I've done this today``." + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Political", + "output": "A busload of politicians were driving down a country road when the bus suddenly ran off the road and crashed into an old farmer's field.The old farmer heard the tragic crash so he rushed over to investigate. He then began digging a large grave to bury the politicians.A few hours later, the local sheriff was driving past the farmer's field and noticed the bus wreck. He approached the old farmer and asked where all the politicians had gone. The old farmer explained that he'd gone ahead and buried all of them. \"Were they ALL dead?\" asked the puzzled sheriff. \"Well, some of them said they weren't,\" said the old farmer, \"but you know how them politicians lie.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Political", + "output": "The last four ex-U.S. Presidents are caught in a tornado, and off they whirled to OZ. They finally make it to the Emerald City and came before the Great Wizard.\"WHAT BRINGS YOU BEFORE THE GREAT WIZARD OF OZ?\"Jimmy Carter stepped forward timidly:\" I've come for some courage.\"\"NO PROBLEM!\" says the Wizard. \"WHO IS NEXT?\"Ronald Reagan steps forward, \"Well........., I.......I think I need a brain.\"\"DONE\" says the Wizard. \"WHO COMES NEXT BEFORE THE GREAT AND POWERFUL OZ?\"Up stepped George Bush sadly, \"I'm told by the American people that I need a heart.\"\"I'VE HEARD IT'S TRUE!\" says the Wizard. \"CONSIDER IT DONE.\"There is a great silence in the hall. Bill Clinton is just standing there, looking around, but doesn't say a word. Irritated, the Wizard finally asks, \"WHAT DO YOU WANT?\"\"Is Dorothy here?\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Political", + "output": "A man died and went to heaven. As he stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him. He asked, \"What are all those clocks?\" St. Peter answered, \"Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie the hands on your clock will move.\" \"Oh,\" said the man, \"whose clock is that?\" \"That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie.\" \"Incredible,\" said the man. \"And whose clock is that one?\" St. Peter responded, \"That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abe told only two lies in his entire life.\" \"Where's Bush's clock?\" asked the man. \"Bush's clock is in Jesus' office. He's using it as a ceiling fan.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Political", + "output": "A Republican and a Democrat were walking down the street when they came to a homeless person. The Republican gave the homeless person his business card and told him to come to his business for a job. He then took twenty dollars out of his pocket and gave it to the homeless person. The Democrat was very impressed, and when they came to another homeless person, he decided to help. He walked over to the homeless person and gave him directions to the welfare office. He then reached into the Republican's pocket and got out twenty dollars. He kept $15 for administrative fees and gave the homeless person five." + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Political", + "output": "Russian President Putin called President George W. Bush with an emergency:\"Our largest condom factory has exploded,\" the Russian President cried. \"My people's favorite form of birth control. This is a true disaster!\"\"Mr. Putin, the American people would be happy to do anything within their power to help you,' replied the President.\"I do need your help,\" said Yeltsin. \"Could you possibly send 1,000,000 condoms ASAP to tide us over?\"\"Why certainly! I'll get right on it,\" said Bush.\"Oh, and one more small favor, please?\" said Putin.\"Yes?\"\"Could the condoms be red in color and at least 10' long and 4' in diameter?\" said Putin.\"No problem,\" replied the President and, with that, George Dubya hung up and called the President of condom company. \"I need a favor, you've got to send 1,000,000 condoms right away over to Russia.\"\"Consider it done,\" said the President of condom company.\"Great! Now listen, they have to be red in color, 10' long and 4' wide.\"\"Easily done. Anything else?\"\"Yeah,\" said the President, \"print 'MADE IN AMERICA, SIZE SMALL' on each one." + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Political", + "output": "Attorney General Ashcroft was visiting an elementary school.After the typical civics presentation, he announced, \"All right, boys andgirls, you can ask me questions now.\"A little boy named Bobby raised his hand and said, \"Mr. Ashcroft, I havethree questions. First, how did Bush win the election with fewer votes thanGore? Second, why are you using the USA Patriot Act to limit Americans'civil liberties? And third, why hasn't the U.S. caught Osama Bin Laden yet?\"Just then the bell sounded and all the kids ran out to the playground.After lunch the kids were back in class and Attorney General Ashcroft said,\"I'm sorry we were interrupted by the bell. Now, you can ask me questions.\"A little girl raised her hand and said, \"Mr. Ashcroft, I have fivequestions. First, how did Bush win the election with fewer votes than Gore?Second, why are you using the USA Patriot Act to limit Americans' civilliberties? Third, why hasn't the U.S. caught Osama Bin Laden yet? Fourth,why did the bell go off 20 minutes early? And fifth, where's Bobby?\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Political", + "output": "A Marine colonel on his way home from work at the Pentagon came to a dead halt in traffic and thought to himself, \"Wow, this traffic seems worse than usual. Nothing's even moving.\"He notices a police officer walking back and forth between the lines of cars so he rolls down his window and asks, \"Excuse me, Officer, what's the hold up?\"The Officer replies, \"President Bush is just so depressed about being behind in the polls that he stopped his motorcadein the middle of the Beltway and he's threatening to douse himself in gasoline and set himself on fire. He says he can't find donators to give him money for his campaign. I'm walking around taking up a collection for him.\"\"Oh really? How much have you collected so far?\"\"So far only about three hundred gallons, but I've got a lot of folks still siphoning!\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Political", + "output": "A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost.She lowered altitude and spotted a man in a boat below. She shouted to him, \"Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am.\"The man consulted his portable GPS and Replied, \"You're in a hot air balloon approximately 30 feet above a ground elevation of 2346 feet above sea level.. You are 31 degrees, 14.97 minutes north latitude and 100 degrees, 49.09 minutes west longitude.\"She rolled her eyes and said, \"You must be a Republican.\"I am,\" replied the man. \"How did you know?\"\"Well,\" answered the balloonist, \"everything you told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and I'm still lost.. Frankly, you've not been much help to me.\"The man smiled and responded, \"You must be a Democrat.\"\"I am,\" replied the balloonist. \"How did you know?\"\"Well,\" said the man, \"you don't know where you are or where you're going. You've risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise that you have no idea how to keep, and you expect ME to solve your problem. You're in EXACTLY the sameposition you were in before we met, but somehow, now it's MY fault.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Political", + "output": "Here are a few important observations, before the election campaign heats-up:Republican boys always expect to grow up and marry Republican girls and please their parents. But they always date Democratic girls because they think they're entitled to a little fun first. Democrats step on bugs.Republicans call an exterminator. Democrats eat the big fish they catch.Republicans have them mounted. Democrats sit on the dock and fish,Republicans expect to have someone else drive the boat. Democrats make a lot of plans, but don't do much with them.Republicans are still following the plans their grandfathers made." + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Political", + "output": "A party of Democrats was climbing in the Alps . After several hours they became hopelessly lost. One of them studied the map for some time, turning it up and down, sighting on distant landmarks, consulting his compass, and finally the sun. Finally he said, ' OK see that big mountain over there?' 'Yes', answered the others eagerly. 'Well, according to the map, we're standing on top of it.'" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Political", + "output": "George W. Bush is sitting in a hotel lobby, planning his speech to a group of businessmen, when a little man walks up to him. \"Excuse me, Mr. Bush, but my name is Steve Case, and I'm here with an extremely important client tonight. We're going to see your speech tonight, and it would be a great help to me if, when we walk by, you could impress him by saying, 'Hello, Steve'.\"Bush readily agrees, and fifteen minutes later, the little man walks by, deep in conversation with his client.Bush came up and said, \"Hello, Steve.\"The little man says, \"F**k off, Bush! I'm in a meeting,\" and keeps walking." + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Political", + "output": "Bill Clinton, George Bush, a spectacular looking blonde, and a frightfully awful looking fat lady were in a train carriage. After several minutes of the trip, the train passes through a dark tunnel, and the unmistakable sound of a slap is heard. When they leave the tunnel, Clinton has a big red slap mark on his cheek. The blonde thought, 'that rascal Clinton wanted to touch me and by mistake he must have put his hand on the fat lady, who in turn must have slapped his face.' The fat lady thought, 'that dirty old Bill Clinton laid his hands on the blonde and she smacked him.' Bill Clinton thought, 'George put his hand on that blonde and by mistake she slapped me.' George Bush thought, 'I hope there's another tunnel soon so I can smack Clinton again.'" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Political", + "output": "One day there were three surgeons who were arguing loudly over who was the best surgeon.\"Oh yeah,\" the first one yells. \"One day there was this guy who came in with all his fingers cut off, I sewed them back onto his hand, and he's playing piano for the queen of England!\"\"Oh, that's nothing,\" shouts the second one. \"One day this guy came in with his arms and legs cut off, I sewed back onto his body, and now he's on the Olympic track and swimming teams!\"\"Oh, that isn't jack compared to what I'VE done,\" bellows the third one. \"One day there was this guy who was riding a horse, on cocaine, got hit by a subway train, and all that was left was the guy's body and the horse's ass, I sewed them together, and now he's the President of The United States!\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Political", + "output": "An old man was critically ill. Feeling that death was near, he called his lawyer. \"I want to become a Democrat. Get me a change of registration form.\" \"You can do it\", the lawyer said, \"But why? You'll be dead soon, why do you want to become a Democrat?\" \"That's my business! Get me the form!\" Four days later, the old man got his registration changed. His lawyer was at his bedside making sure his bill would be paid. Suddenly the old man was racked with fits of coughing, and it was clear that this would be the end. Still curious, the lawyer leaned over and said, \"Please, before it's too late, tell me why you wanted to become a Democrat so badly before you died?\" In a faint whisper, as he breathed his last, the old man said: \"One less Democrat\"." + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Political", + "output": "A little old lady calls 911. When the operator answers she yells, \"Help, send the police to my house right away! There's a damn Democrat on my front porch and he's playing with himself.\" \"What?\" the operator exclaimed. \"I said there is a damn Democrat on my front porch playing with himself and he's weird; I don't know him and I'm afraid! Please send the police!\" the little old lady repeated. \"Well, now, how do you know he's a Democrat?\" \"Because, you damn fool, if it was a Republican, he'd be screwing somebody!\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Political", + "output": "Chelsea had the most exciting news. She burst into the room shouting, \"Dad! Mom! I have some great news! Nick asked me to marry him. He is like the biggest hunk in Washington. We are supposed to get married next month.\"Bill took Chelsea in the back and said, \"Chelsea, your mother, although an ideal administrator and public speaker, has never had much to offer in the sack. So, as you might have heard, I have been known to fool around with other ladies on occassion. Your boyfriend Nick happens to be the product of one of my love making sessions. He is my son and thusly, he is your half-brother.\" Chelsea ran out of the office screaming, \"Not another brother!\" She rushed to her mother's side, telling her all about dad's shameful behavior and how every man she dates turns out to be one of her father's illegitimate sons. Hillary began to laugh and said, \"Don't pay any attention to him. He isn't really your father anyway.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Political", + "output": "A little boy wanted $100 badly and prayed for two weeks but nothing happened. Then he decided to write God a letter requesting the $100. When the postal authorities received the letter addressed to God, USA, they decided to send it to President Bush. The President was so impressed, touched, and amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy a $5.00 bill. President Bush thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy. The little boy was delighted with the $5.00 and sat down to write a thank you note to God, which read: Dear God, Thank you very much for sending the money, however, I noticed that for some reason you had to send it through Washington D.C. and, as usual, those crooks deducted $95.00." + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Political", + "output": "Bill Clinton and Senator Hillary Clinton were at a Yankees game. Before the game began a secret service man came up to him and whispered something in his ear. Bill Clinton suddenly picked up Hillary and threw her out on the field. The secret service man came running up to him and said, \"Mr. President Sir, I think you misunderstood me; I said throw out the first pitch.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Political", + "output": "Hillary Clinton goes to a primary school in New York totalk about the world. After her talk she offers question time. One little boy puts up his hand, and the Senator asks him for his name. \"Kenneth.\" \"And what is your question, Kenneth?\" \"I have three questions: First - whatever happened to your medical health care plan? Second - why would you run for President after your husband shamed the office? And third - whatever happened to all those things you took when you left the White House?\" Just then the bell rings for recess. Hillary Clinton informs the kiddies that they will continue after recess. When they resume Hillary says, \"Okay where were we? Oh, that's right, question time. Who has a question?\" A different little boy puts his hand up; Hillary points him out and asks him for his name. \"Larry.\" \"And what is your question?\" \"I have five questions: First - whatever happened to your medical health care plan? Second - why would you run for President after your husband shamed the office? Third - whatever happened to all those things you took when you left the White House? Fourth - why did the recess bell go off 20 minutes early? And fifth - what happened to Kenneth?\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Political", + "output": "Steven Spielberg was busy discussing his new action adventure about famous classical composers. Bruce Willis, Sylvester Stallone and Arnold Schwarzenegger were in the room. \"Who do you want to play?\" Spielberg asked Bruce Willis. \"I've always been a big fan of Chopin,\" said Bruce. \"I'll play him.\" \"And you, Sylvester?\" asked Spielberg. \"Mozart's the one for me!\" said Sly. \"And what about you?\" Spielberg asked Arnold Schwarzenegger. \"I'll be Bach,\" said Arnie." + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Political", + "output": "A 10pm curfew was imposed in Baghdad. Everybody had to be off the streets or risk being shot. However one citizen was shot at 9.45pm.\"Why did you do that?\" the soldier was asked by his superior officer.\"I know where he lives,\" he replied, \"and he wouldn't have made it.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Political", + "output": "Two terrorists are chatting. One of them opens his wallet and flips through pictures. \"you see, this is my oldest. He's a martyr. Here's my second son. He's a martyr, too.\" The second terrorist says, gently,\"Ah, they blow up so fast, don't they?\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Political", + "output": "A son asks his father, \"What can you tell me about politics? I have to learn about it for school tomorrow.\" The father thinks a little and says, \"OK, son, the best way I can describe politics is to use an analogy. Let's say that I'm a capitalist because I'm the breadwinner. Your mother will be the government because she controls everything, our maid will be the working class because she works for us, you will be the people because you answer to us, and your baby brother will be the future. Does that help any?\" The little boy said, \"Well, Dad, I don't know, but I'll think about what you said.\" Later that night, after everyone had gone to bed, the little boy was awaken by his baby brother's crying. Upon further investigation, he found a dirty diaper. So, he went down the hall to his parent's bedroom and found his father's side of the bed empty and his mother wouldn't wake up. Then he saw a light on in the guest room down the hall, and when he reached the door, he saw through the crack that his father was in bed with the maid. The son then turned and went back to bed. The next morning, he said to his father at the breakfast table, \"Dad, I think I understand politics much better now.\" \"Excellent, my boy,\" he answered, \"What have you learned?\" The little boy thought for a minute and said, \"I learned that capitalism is screwing the working class, government is sound asleep ignoring the people, and the future's full of crap.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Political", + "output": "At the height of a political corruption trial, the prosecuting attorney attacked a witness. \"Isn't it true,\" he bellowed, \"that you accepted five thousand dollars to compromise this case?\"The witness stared out the window, as though he hadn't hear the question.\"Isn't it true that you accepted five thousand dollars to compromise this case?\" the lawyer repeated loudly.The witness still did not respond.Finally, the judge leaned over and said, \"Sir, please answer the question.\"\"Oh,\" the startled witness said, \"I thought he was talking to you.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Political", + "output": "George Bush was out jogging one morning along the parkway when he tripped, fell over the bridge railing and landed in the creek below. Before the Secret Service guys could get to him, three kids, who were fishing, pulled him out of the water. He was so grateful he offered the kids whatever they wanted. The first kid said: \"I sure would like to go to Disneyland.\" George said: \"No problem. I'll take you there on Air Force One.\" The second kid said: \"I really need a new pair of Nike Air Jordan's.\" George said: \"I'll get them for you and even have Michael sign them!\". The third kid said: \"I want a motorized wheelchair with a built-in TV and stereo headset!!\" George Bush is a little perplexed by this and says: \"But you don't look like you are injured.\" The kid says: \"But I will be after my dad finds out I saved you from drowning!\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Political", + "output": "The first ladies of UK, Japan and France were having a meeting with Lady Hilary Clinton. The subject of discussion was the private parts of their respective spouses. The first lady of UK says, \"It is like a gentle man- it stands up, as soon as I enter the room\" The lady from Japan says, \"It is like an army officer- you do not know where he will attack from- front or back..\" The French lady says, \"It is like the screen in the auditorium- once the act is performed, it drops down...\" Then Hilary says, \"It's like a rumor... it moves from one mouth to another...\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Political", + "output": "Bill Clinton was walking along the beach when he stumbled upon a Genie's lamp. He picked it up and rubbed it and lo-and-behold, a Genie appeared. Bill was amazed and asked if he got three wishes. The Genie said, \"Nope...Due to inflation, constant downswing, low wages in third world countries, and fierce global competition, I can only grant you one wish. So...What'll it be?\" Bill didn't hesitate. He said, \"I want to be remembered for bringing peace to the Middle East, instead of that other stuff with Monica, and Jennifer, and the rest of those women. See this map? I want these countries to stop fighting with each other.\" The Genie looked at the map of the Middle East and exclaimed, \"Jeez, Fella! These people have been at war for thousands of years. I'm good, but not THAT good. I don't think it can be done. Make another wish.\" Bill thought for a minute and said, \"You know, people really don't like my wife. Even though she got elected, they call her a carpetbagger. They think she's mean, ugly, and pushes me around. I wish for her to be the most beautiful woman in the world and I want everybody to like her. That's what I want.\" The Genie let out a long sigh and said, \"Lemme see that map again.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Aviation", + "output": "The President was awakened one night by an urgent call from the Pentagon.\"Mr. President,\" said the four-star general, barely to contain himself, \"There's good news & bad news.\"\"Oh, no,\" muttered the President, \"Well, let me have the bad news first.\"\"The bad news, sir, is that we've been invaded by creatures from another planet.\"\"Gosh, and the good news?\"\"The good news, sir, is that they eat reporters & piss oil.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Political", + "output": "Bush and Osama decided to settle the war once and for all. They sat down and decided to settle the whole dispute with one dog fight. They would have 5 years to breed the best fighting dog in the world and whichever side's dog won would be entitled to dominate the world. Osama found the biggest, meanest Doberman and Rottweiler female dogs in the world and bred them with the meanest Siberian wolves. They selected only the biggest and strongest puppy from the litter, and removed his siblings, which gave him all the milk. After 5 years, they came up with the biggest, meanest dog the world had ever seen. Its cage needed steel bars that were 5 \" thick and nobody could get near it. When the day came for the dog fight, Bush showed up with a strange looking animal. It was a 9 foot long Dachshund. Everyone felt sorry for Bush because there was no way that this dog could possibly last 10 seconds with the Afghanistani dog. When the cages were opened up, the Dachshund came out of it's cage, and slowly waddled over towards Osama's dog. Osama's dog snarled and leaped out of its cage and charged the American Dachshund---but when it got close enough to bite, the Dachshund opened its mouth and consumed Osama's dog in one bite. There was nothing left of his dog at all. Osama came up to Bush, shaking his head in disbelief, \"We don't understand how this could have happened. We had our best people working for 5 years with the meanest Doberman and Rottweiler female dogs in the world and the biggest, meanest Siberian wolves.\" \"That's nothing,\", said Bush. \"We had Michael Jackson's plastic surgeons working for 5 years to make that alligator look like a weenie dog.\" GOD BLESS AMERICA!!!!!!!!!" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Political", + "output": "In a train carriage there was Bill Clinton, George Bush, Janet Reno and Bo Derek. After several minutes of the trip, the train passes through a dark tunnel and the unmistakable sound of a slap is heard. When they leave the tunnel, Clinton has a big red slap mark on his cheek. (1) Bo Derek thought - \"That sleazeball Clinton wanted to touch me and by mistake, he must have put his hand on Janet Reno, who in turn must have slapped his face.\" (2) Janet Reno thought - \"That dirty Bill Clinton laid his hands on Bo Derek and she smacked him.\" (3) Bill Clinton thought - \"George put his hand on Bo Derek and by mistake she slapped me.\" (4) George Bush thought - \"I hope there's another tunnel soon so I can smack Clinton again.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Political", + "output": "After getting nailed by a Daisy Cutter, Osama made his way to the pearly gates. There, he is greeted by George Washington.\"How dare you attack the nation I helped conceive!\" yells Mr. Washington, slapping Osama in the face. Patrick Henry comes up from behind: \"You wanted to end the Americans' liberty, so they gave you death!\" Henry punches Osama on the nose. James Madison comes up next, and says, \"This is why I allowed the Federal government to provide for the common defense!\" He drops a large weight on Osama's knee.Osama is subject to similar beatings from John Randolph of Roanoke, James Monroe and 65 other 18th-century American revolutionaries. As he writhes on the ground, Thomas Jefferson picks him up to hurl him back toward the gate where he is to be judged.As Osama awaits his journey to his final very hot destination, he screams, \"This is not what I was promised!\"An angel replies: \"I told you there would be 72 Virginians waiting for you. What did you think I said?\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Political", + "output": "The Supreme Court has ruled that there cannot be a Nativity Scene inWashington, DC this Christmas. This isn't for any religious reason,they simply have not been able to find three wise men and a virgin inthe Nation's capitol. There was no problem however finding enoughasses to fill the stable." + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Political", + "output": "Bush and Gore went fishing. Gore went on one side of the lake and Bush on the other. Later that day, Bush came back with 129 fish and Gore came back with none. Gore screamed for a revote. The next day bush came back with 173 fish and Gore once again screamed for a revote. So on the third day, Gore sent a secret service to spy on Bush. Bush came back with 293 fish this time and gore got none. Gore goes to the secret service spy and asks whether Bush is cheating. \"Yes,\" replied the spy, \"he's putting holes in the ice.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Political", + "output": "One day, George bush travels to Afghanistan to attempt peace talks with Osama bin Laden. The two sit down to talk, and George asks him if peace was possible, then Osama bin Laden pushed a button, and a fist on a spring came out of the wall, and punched George in the face. George then asked if there was any way to settle their differences, and Osama pushed another button, and the fist hit George in the nuts. George then asked to reschedule the talks in Washington, Osama agreed, and pushed another button that ejected George out of his seat. The two sat down in the oval office in Washington D.C. to continue their talks. Osama claimed that filthy Americans were trying to take over the world, and George pressed a button and nothing happens. Osama than says, \"Very funny, you think you are smarter than me!\", George pushes another button and still nothing happens. Osama finished by stating no American is safe, and George pushed a third button, but once again, nothing happened. Osama then said, \"Enough of this nonsense, I need to go back to Afghanistan,\"George Bush simply replied, \"What Afghanistan?\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Political", + "output": "An engineer, an accountant, a chemist and a bureaucrat were bragging about how smart their dogs are.The engineer called to his dog, \"T-square, do your stuff\". The dog took out paper and pen, and drew a circle, a squareand a triangle. Everyone agreed he was smart.The accountant called, \"Sliderule, do your stuff\". The pooch went to the kitchen, got a dozen cookies and made four stacks of three. Everyone was impressed.The chemist called, \"Beaker, do your stuff.\" The dog went to the fridge for a quart of milk, got a ten ounce glass and poured exactly eight ounces without spilling a drop. Everyone agreed that was great.The bureaucrat called, \"Coffee Break,do your stuff!\". Coffe Break ate the cookies, drank the milk, chewed the paper, claimed he injured his mouth doing so, filed a grievance for unsafe working conditions, put in for workers' compensation and took extended sick leave." + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Political", + "output": "A young lady goes to a new doctor for an examination, and he discovers that she has crabs. He thinks to himself ,\"How am I going to her that she has crabs?\"After the exam he tells her to get dressed and meet him back in his office. Once there he proceeds to tell her that she has a very unusual condition. She is quite concerned and asks him what it is. He responds that she is suffering from Nixon's Disease.She says, \"What?\"He again responds, \"Nixon's Disease.\"She says, \"Level with me, Doc, what does it mean?\"He responds, \"Well Miss Jones, to put it very bluntly, you've got bugs in your oval orifice.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Political", + "output": "A lady bought a new Lexus. Cost a bundle. Two days later, she brought it back, complaining that the radio was not working.\"Madam,\" said the sales manager, \"the audio system in this car is completely automatic. All you need to do is tell it what you want to listen to, and you will hear exactly that!\"She drove out, somewhat amazed and a little confused. She looked at the radio and said, \"Nelson.\" The radio responded, \"Ricky or Willie?\" She was astounded. If she wanted Beethoven, that's what she got. If she wanted Nat King Cole, she got it.She was stopped at a traffic light enjoying \"On The Road Again\" when the light turned green and she pulled out. Suddenly an enormous sports utility vehicle coming from the street she was crossing sped toward her, obviously not paying attention to the light. She swerved and narrowly missed a collision.\"Idiot!\" she yelled and, from the radio, \"Ladies and gentlemen, the President of the United States.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Political", + "output": "A reporter cornered George W. Bush at a press conference: \"Many say the only reason you were elected for President is due to the enormous power and influence of your father.\" \"That notion is ridiculous!\" mocked George Jr. \"It doesn't matter how powerful the man is. He was only allowed to vote once!\" ." + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Love & Romance", + "output": "A man was just coming out of anesthesia after a series of tests in the hospital, and his wife was sitting at his bedside. His eyes fluttered open, and he murmured, \"You're beautiful.\" Flattered, the wife continued her vigil while he drifted back to sleep. Later, her husband woke up and said, \"You're cute.\" \"What happened to 'beautiful?'\" she asked him. \"The drugs are wearing off,\" he replied." + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Political", + "output": "Bill Clinton, Al Gore, and George W. Bush were set to face a firing squad in a small Central American country. Bill Clinton was the first one placed against the wall and just before the order was given he yelled out, \"Earthquake!\" The firing squad fell into a panic and Bill jumped over the wall and escaped in the confusion. Al Gore was the second one placed against the wall. The squad was reassembled and Al pondered what he had just witnessed. Again before the order was given Al yelled out, \"Tornado!\" Again the squad fell apart and Al slipped over the wall.The last person, George W. Bush, was placed against the wall. He was thinking, \"I see the pattern here, just scream out something about a disaster and hop over the wall.\" He confidently refused the blindfold as the firing squad was reassembled. As the rifles were raised in his direction he grinned from ear to ear and yelled, \"Fire!\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Political", + "output": "A little boy wanted $100 badly and prayed for two weeks but nothing happened. Then he decided to write God a letter requesting the $100. When the postal authorities received the letter addressed to God, USA, they decided to send it to President Bush. The President was so impressed, touched, and amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy a $5.00 bill. President Bush thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy. The little boy was delighted with the $5.00 and sat down to write a thank you note to God, which read: Dear God, Thank you very much for sending the money, however, I noticed that for some reason you had to send it through Washington D.C. and, as usual, those crooks deducted $95.00." + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Political", + "output": "Einstein dies and goes to heaven. At the Pearly Gates, Saint Peter tells him, \"You look like Einstein, but you have NO idea the lengths that some people will go to sneak into Heaven. Can you prove who you really are?\" Einstein ponders for a few seconds and asks, \"Could I have a blackboard and some chalk?\" Saint Peter snaps his fingers and a blackboard and chalk instantly appear. Einstein proceeds to describe with arcane mathematics and symbols his theory of relativity. Saint Peter is suitably impressed. \"You really ARE Einstein!\" he says. \"Welcome to heaven!\" The next to arrive is Picasso. Once again, Saint Peter asks for credentials. Picasso asks, \"Mind if I use that blackboard and chalk?\" Saint Peter says, \"Go ahead.\" Picasso erases Einstein's equations and sketches a truly stunning mural with just a few strokes of chalk. Saint Peter claps. \"Surely you are the great artist you claim to be!\" he says. \"Come on in!\" Then Saint Peter looks up and sees George W. Bush. Saint Peter scratches his head and says, \"Einstein and Picasso both managed to prove their identity. How can you prove yours?\" George W. looks bewildered and says, \"Who are Einstein and Picasso?\" Saint Peter sighs and says, \"Come on in, George.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Political", + "output": "The LAPD, the FBI, & the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it. The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist. The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit and they make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming. The LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling: \"Okay, okay, I'm a rabbit, I'm a rabbit.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Political", + "output": "There were 4 people: A Congress man, George Bush, Osama Bin Laden and a solider and they were all in a helicopter. The pilot said that someone needs to jump, so Osama jumps and says: \"this is for my country\". A couple minutes later the pilot says someone needs to jump so the congress man jumps and says : \"this is for my country\". So a few minutes later the pilot says someone needs to jump so the solider says: \"this is for my country\" and pushes George Bush out the window." + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Sex", + "output": "A 75 year old man went to his doctor's office to get sperm count. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, \"Take this jar home and nbring me back a sample tomorrow.\" The next day the 75 year old man reappears at the doctor's office and gives him the jar, which is as clean and empty as on the previous day. The doctor asked what happened and the man explains: \"Well, doc, it's like this: First I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand. but nothing. Then her left, but nothing. She even tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with the teeth out, and still nothing. We even called up the lady next door and she tried with both hands, and her mouth too, but nothing.\" The doctor was stunned. \"You asked your neighbor?\" The old man replied, \"Yep, but no matter what we tried we couldn't get the darn jar open!\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Political", + "output": "Two candidates for political office inadvertently scheduled simultaneous campaign rallies in the same park of a small town. After a lengthy round of speeches, the candidates worked their way through the crowd, shaking hands, kissing babies and beaming mightily. Suddenly, the skies opened and it began to rain. One of the candidates fled to take shelter in a nearby restaurant along with half a dozen regulars. The other candidate, however, continued to move through the crowd, shaking hands, kissing babies, etc. \"That man's persistence yonder,\" observed one of the regulars, \"sure makes it easy to know who to vote for.\" \"Yep,\" another regular agreed. \"Sure can't see myself casting a vote for a man who hasn't the good sense to come in out of the rain.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Political", + "output": "Monica L. had taken some clothes in to be cleaned. The attendant was an old man, hard of hearing. She was telling the man what she wanted, and was holding a dress while talking. The old man put a hand up to his ear, and said, \"Come again?\" \"No,\" said Monica, \"It's mustard this time!\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Political", + "output": "Hillary Clinton dies and goes to heaven.Standing outside the perly gates ahe ask ST. Peter what all those clocks were for behind him. He says they are lie clocks everyone has one. He says see this one its Abe Lincolns the hands have only moved one time stateing that he only told one lie in his life. And this one is Mother Terasa's it hasnt moved at all showing she didnt tell not one lie. Hillary then ask well wheres Bills clock. To witch St. Peter replies its hanging in Jesus office he is useing it as a celing fan." + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Political", + "output": "A little boy goes to his dad and asks, \"What's politics?\" Dad says, \" Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me Capitalism. Your Mom, she's the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the Government. We're here to take care of your needs so we'll call you the People. The nanny, we'll consider her he Working Class. Now your baby brother, we'll call him the Future. Now, think about that and see if that makes sense.\" So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him, he finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. So the little boy goes to is parent's room and finds his mother fast asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed. The next morning, the little boy says to to his father \" I think I understand Politics now.\" The father replies, \"Good son, tell me in your own words what you think it is.\" The boy promptly answers, \"Well, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, the Government is asleep, the People are being ignored, and the Future is in deep trouble.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Political", + "output": "Hillary Clinton went into a pet shop and found a beautiful parrot. \"Does this parrot talk?\" she asked. \"Yes, he does,\" the manager told her. \"But why is this one only $50 and all the others are $500?\" \"Well, ma'am,\" the manager explained, \"not everyone would want to own this parrot since he spent years in a whore house and his language is somewhat foul.\" \"Well, I want him,\" she said. \"Suit yourself,\" the manager shrugged. When Hillary got the parrot back to the White House, she uncovered his cage and admired the bird. The parrot tilted his head to one side, looked her straight in the eye and said, \"New house, new madam.\" Hillary laughed. Soon, Chelsea and a friend came in and began admiring the bird. \"New house, new whores,\" the parrot observed. Hillary explained the bird's history to Chelsea and her friend, so they too, laughed. Later, the President entered the living quarters. The parrot took one look at him and said, \"Hi, Bill!\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Yo Mama", + "output": "1.Yo mama is so poor that she has to chase down the garbage truck with a shopping list.2. Yo mamas so poor that i found in the dumpster and asked her what she was doing. She said \"Christmas shopping.\"3. Yo mama is so poor that she tried to use food stamps on a gumball machine." + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Old Age", + "output": "In an effort to get away from their high-stress jobs, a couple spent relaxing weekends camping in their motor home. One day they found their peace and quiet disturbed by well-meaning, but unwelcome, visits from other campers. Talking it over, they devised a plan to assure themselves some privacy. Now, when they set up camp, they place this sign on the door of their motor home: \"Insurance agent. Ask about our term-life package.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Yo Mama", + "output": "Yo mamma's so poor when i asked her what for dinner she put her foot on the table and said corn.Yo mamma's so hairy, bigfoot took pictures of her!Yo mamma's so fat, she has every cateror on speed dial." + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Yo Mama", + "output": "Your momma is so poor when somebody asked her where the bathroom was in her house, she said \"pick a corner.\"Youre momma is so dumb she tried to drown a fishYour momma is so dumb she stole free breadYour momma is so dumb she got locked in a grocery store and starved to deathYour momma is so dumb she took a spoon to the super bowlYour momma is so old Moses is in her yearbookYour momma is so fat her yearbook picture was taken by sateliteYour momma is so dumb when the baseball coach told her to run home with the ball, she literally ran home with the ball" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Yo Mama", + "output": "Yo mama so stupid she tried to jump out the basement window.Yo mama so fat she got hit by a parked car.Yo mama so fat when she stands on the curb in her yellow raincoat people yell out \"TAXI\"." + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Aviation", + "output": "Yo Mama So old that I told her to act her age and she died. Yo Mama So old that when she was in school they didn't have history. Yo Mama So nasty she brought her own crabs to the beach. Yo Mama So ugly we tied a steak to her neck so she could play with the family dog. Yo Mama So stupid she thought a quarterback was a refund. Yo Mama So fat she played billiards with the planets. Yo Mama So fat she sat on a rainbow and made skittles. Yo Mama So fat she sat on a dollar and made change. Yo Mama So ugly that satan sent her back. Yo Mama So fat that your dad has to have a \"heavy machinary\" license to have sex. Yo Mama So poor that I walked in the front door and fell out the back. Yo Mama So poor that I borrowed your skateboard and she called the cops saying her car got stolen. Yo Mama So dumb she thought a harddrive was a rough road. Yo Mama So dumb she thought floppy disk was when her back hurt. Yo Mama So fat that when she sits around the house she sits \"around\" the house. Yo Mama So fat she bathes in the ocean. Yo Mama So fat she isn't allowed on the 2nd floor. Yo Mama So fat that she needed a blinkin light so planes woulden't hit her. Yo Mama So fat she seen a bus and thought it was a twinkie. Yo Mama So ugly she scared Michael Jackson. Yo Mama So poor she married Michael Jackson. Yo Mama So old that she birthed God. Yo Mama So fat she has to sit in the middle of the car." + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Yo Mama", + "output": "yo mama so dumb she so dumb that on her way to disney worldshe saw a sign that said disney world left so she turned around and went back home.yo mama so fat she makes godzilla look like an action figure.yo mama's breath stink so bad people look forward to her farts.yo mama so fat when the cops drove by and saw her on the corner they yelledhey you guys break it up.yo mams so fat her belt size is equatoryo mama so fat when her beeper goes off people think shes backing up." + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Yo Mama", + "output": "YO MOMMA...So ugly, yo daddy takes her to work so he dont have to kiss her goodbye.So fat, she jumped out of a tree and went straight to.. you know ! So fat, she wore heels once and struck oil!So fat, if she gained 5 more pounds, she could get group insurance.So po', I asked were the bathroom was and she said...\" 3rd bucket on the right\"So stupid, she asked what kind of jeans I was wearing, I said Guess. She said Levis." + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Yo Mama", + "output": "The owner of this drug store walks in to find a guy leaning heavily against the wall. The owner asks the clerk, \"What's with that guy over there by the wall\"? The clerk replies, \"Well, he came in here this morning to get something for his cough. I couldn't find the cough syrup, so I gave him an entire bottle of laxative\". The owner yells, \"You idiot! You can't treat a cough with a bottle of laxatives\"! The clerk says, \"Of course you can! Look at him; he's afraid to cough\"!" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Police Jokes", + "output": "1st Officer: \"Guess who I pulled over in a traffic stop the other day?\" 2nd Officer: \"Who?\" 1st Officer: \"Janet Jackson!\" 2nd Officer: \"What she do, was she speeding?\" 1st Officer: \"Nah, she had one headlight out.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Family, Parents", + "output": "Four expectant fathers were in a Minneapolis hospital waiting room while their wives were in labor. The nurse arrived and proudly announced to the first man, \"Congratulations, sir. You're the father of twins!\" \"What a coincidence! I work for the Minnesota Twins Baseball team!\" Later the nurse returned and congratulated the second father on the birth of his triplets. \"Wow! That's incredible! I work for the 3M Corporation.\" An hour later, the nurse returned to congratulate the third man on the birth of his quadruplets. Stunned, he barely could reply, \"I don't believe it! I work for the Four Seasons Hotel!\" After this, everyone turned to the fourth guy who had just fainted. The nurse rushed to his side. As he slowly gained consciousness, they could hear him mutter over and over, \"I should never have taken that job at 7-Eleven. I should never have taken that job at 7-Eleven. I should never have taken that job....\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Idiots", + "output": "Two boys from the mountains, Leroy and Jasper have been promoted from privates to sergeants. Not long after, they're out for a walk and Leroy says, \"Hey Jasper, there's the NCO Club. Let's you and me stop in.\" \"But we's privates,\" protests Jasper. \"We's sergeants now, \"says Leroy, pulling him inside. \"Now, Jasper, I'm a-gonna sit down and have me a drink.\" \"But we's privates,\" says Jasper. \"Are you blind, boy?\" asks Leroy, pointing at his stripes. \"We's sergeants now.\" So they have their drink, and pretty soon a hooker comes up to Leroy. \"You're cute,\" she says, \"and I'd like to date you, but I've got a bad case of gonorrhea.\" Leroy pulls his friend to the side and whispers, \"Jasper, go look in the dictionary and see what gonorrhea means. If it's okay, give me the okay sign.\" So Jasper goes to look it up, comes back, and gives Leroy the big okay sign. Three weeks later Leroy is laid up in the infirmary with a terrible case of gonorrhea. \"Jasper,\" he says, \"why did you give me the okay sign?\" \"Well, Leroy, in the dictionary, it says gonorrhea affects only the privates.\" He points to his stripes. \"But we's sergeants now!\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Insults", + "output": "Hey, I heard you went to the butcher and asked for 10 cents worth of dog meat and he asked you if you wanted it wrapped or if you would eat it on the spot." + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Light Bulbs", + "output": "Q: How many politicians does it take to change a light bulb ? A: Two. One to change it, and another one to change it back again. A: Four, one to change it and the other three to deny it." + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Light Bulbs", + "output": "Q: How many Conservative economists does it take to change a light bulb? A: None. The invisible hand does it. A: None. \"There is no need to change the light bulb. All the conditions for illumination are in place. Recent surveys show growing confidence in the light bulb lighting up again.\" A: None, because, look! It's getting brighter! It's definitely getting brighter !!!" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Light Bulbs", + "output": "Q: How many economists does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: None. If the light bulb really needed changing, market forces would have already caused it to happen. A: Two. One to assume the ladder and one to change the bulb. A: Two. One to assume the latter (a pun) and change the bulb. A: None. If the government would just leave it alone, it would screw itself in." + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Light Bulbs", + "output": "Q: How many Liberal Democrats does it take to change a light bulb ? A: None. \"Well it's not really a question of should we change it or should we not change the light bulb, but more a question of...(blah blah waffle)\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Light Bulbs", + "output": "Q: How many liberals does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: One liberal and twenty eight delegates representing all the social, economic, and ethnic communities. A: Two-one to do it and the other to keep the first one's knee from jerking. A: None: They can't remove the old ones since they are already part of the environment." + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Science", + "output": "Q: How many social scientists does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: They do not change light bulbs; they search for the root cause as to why the last one went out" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Light Bulbs", + "output": "Q: How many women with PMS does it take to change a light bulb? A: One. Only ONE!! And do you know WHY? Because no one else in this house knows HOW to change a light bulb! They don't even know that the bulb is BURNED OUT! They would sit in the dark for THREE DAYS before they figured it out. And, once they figured it out, they wouldn't be able to find the light bulbs despite the fact that they've been in the SAME CUPBOARD for the past 17 YEARS! But if they did, by some miracle, actually find them 2 DAYS LATER, the chair they dragged to stand on to change the STUPID light bulb would STILL BE IN THE SAME SPOT!! AND UNDERNEATH IT WOULD BE THE WRAPPER THE STUPID @*!#$% LIGHT BULBS CAME IN! WHY? BECAUSE NO-ONE EVER CARRIES OUT THE GARBAGE! IT'S A WONDER WE HAVEN'T ALL SUFFOCATED FROM THE PILES OF GARBAGE THAT ARE 12' DEEP THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE HOUSE. THE HOUSE! IT WOULD TAKE AN ARMY TO CLEAN THIS #@*$!#@ HOUSE!" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Heaven and Hell", + "output": "When the new patient was settled comfortably on the couch, the psychiatrist began his therapy session.\"I'm not aware of your problem,\" the doctor said.\"So perhaps, you should start at the very beginning.\"\"Of course,\" replied the patient.\"In the beginning, I created the Heavens and the Earth...\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Miscellaneous", + "output": "Steven Spielberg was discussing his new project - an action docudrama about famous composers starring top movie stars. Sylvester Stallone, Steven Seagall, Bruce Willis, and Arnold Schwarzenegger were all present. Spielberg strongly desired the box office 'oomph' of these superstars, so he was prepared to allow them to select whatever composers they would portray, as long as they were very famous.\"Well,\" started Stallone, \"I've always admired Mozart. I would love to play him.\"\"Chopin has always been my favorite, and my image would improve if people saw me playing the piano\" said Willis. \"I'll play him.\"\"I've always been partial to Strauss and his waltzes,\" said Seagall. \"I'd like to play him.\"Spielberg was very pleased with these choices. \"Sounds splendid.\" Then, looking at Schwarzenegger, he asked, \"Who do you want to be, Arnold?\"So Arnold says, \"I'll be Bach.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Computers", + "output": "Computer genderA marketing director for a prominent computer manufacturer was devising a new advertising campaign for his company. While researching consumer response to his product, he asked \"Naval ships are commonly referred to as 'she' or 'her'. What gender would you assign to your computer? Give four reasons to support your answer...\"A large group of women reported that the computers should be referred to in the masculine gender because:1. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.2. They have a lot of data, but are still clueless.3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they are the problem.4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that, if you had waited a little longer you could have had a better model.The men, on the other hand, concluded that computers should be referred to in the feminine gender because:1. No one but the Creator understands their internal logic.2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.3. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval.4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it." + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Miscellaneous", + "output": "Two church members were going door to door, and knocked on the door of a woman who was not happy to see them. She told them in no uncertain terms that she did not want to hear their message and slammed the door in their faces.To her surprise, however, the door did not close and, in fact, bounced back open. She tried again, really put her back into it, and slammed the door again with the same result -- the door bounced back open.Convinced these rude young people were sticking their foot in the door, she reared back to give it a slam that would teach them a lesson, when one of them said: \"Ma'am, before you do that again you need to move your cat.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Heaven and Hell", + "output": "Reverend Billy Graham tells of a time early in his ministry when he arrived in a small town to preach a sermon.Wanting to mail a letter, he asked a young boy where the post office was.When the boy had told him, Dr. Graham thanked him and said, \"If you'll come to the Baptist Church this evening, you can hear me telling everyone how to get to Heaven.\"\"I don't think I'll be there,\" the boy said.\"You don't even know your way to the post office.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Miscellaneous", + "output": "So ya know, I've been taking these kung-fu classes lately. I must say,they are great. Teach you how to be as powerful as a tiger, as quick as a monkey, as smart as a dragon. Why just the other day, these guys came up to me with a knife and demanded money. So, I turned into a chicken and ran!" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Miscellaneous", + "output": "DOS: Defective Operating System.WINDOWS: Will Install Needless Data On Whole System.MICROSOFT: Most Intelligent Customers Realise Our Software Only Falls Teenagers.ISDN: It Still Does Nothing.MACINTOSH: Machine Always Crashes. If Not, The Operating System Hangs" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Miscellaneous", + "output": "A man enters a barbershop for a shave. While the barber is foaming him up, he mentions the problems he has getting a close shave around the cheeks.\"I have just the thing,\" says the barber taking a small wooden ball from a nearby drawer. \"Just place this between your cheek and gum.\" The client places the ball in his mouth and the barber proceeds with the closest shave the man has ever experienced. After a few strokes, the client asks in garbled speech, \"And what if I swallow it?\"\"No problem,\" says the barber. \"Just bring it back tomorrow like everyone else does.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Miscellaneous", + "output": "My wife came home yesterday and said, \"Honey, the car won't start, but I know what the problem is.\" I asked her what it was and she told me it has water in the carburetor.I thought for a moment, then said, \"You know I don't mean this badly, but you don't know the carburetor from the accelerator.\"\"No, there's definitely water in the carburetor\" she insisted.\"OK, Honey, that's fine, I'll just go take a look. Where is the car?\"\"In the lake.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Miscellaneous", + "output": "Flying to Los Angeles from San Francisco the other day, a passenger noticed that the \"Fasten Seat Belts\" sign was kept lit during the whole journey although the flight was a particularly smooth one.Just before landing, he asked the stewardess about it.\"Well,\" explained the girl, \"up front there are 17 University of California girls going to Los Angeles for the weekend.In back, there are 25 Coast Guard enlistees.What would you do?\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Miscellaneous", + "output": "A guy named Bob receives a free ticket to the Superbowl from his company.Unfortunately, when Bob arrives at the stadium he realizes the seat is in the last row in the corner of the stadium -- he is closer to the Goodyear Blimp than the field.About halfway through the first quarter, Bob notices an empty seat 10 rows off the field right on the 50 yard line. He decides to take a chance and makes his way through the stadium and around the security guards to the empty seat.As he sits down, he asks the gentleman sitting next to him, \"Excuse me, is anyone sitting here?\" The man says no.Now, very excited to be in such a great seat for the game, Bob again inquires of the man next to him, \"This is incredible! Who in their right mind would have a seat like this at the Superbowl and not use it?\"The man replies, \"Well, actually, the seat belongs to me, I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Superbowl we haven't been to together since we got married in 1967.\"\"Well, that's really sad,\" says Bob, \"but still, couldn't you find someone to take the seat? A relative or a close friend?\"\"No,\" the man replies, \"they're all at the funeral.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Money", + "output": "The Washington Post's Style Invitational asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition. Here are some recent winners.Reintarnation:Coming back to life as a hillbilly.Foreploy:Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.Giraffiti:Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.Sarchasm:The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.Inoculatte:To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.Hipatitis:Terminal coolness.Osteopornosis:A degenerate disease.Glibido:All talk and no action.Intaxication:Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with." + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Family, Parents", + "output": "The scene was a tiny mountain village in a remote section of West Virginia. An old mountaineer and his young wife were getting a divorce in the local court. But custody of the children was a problem.The mother jumped to her feet and protested to the judge that since she had brought the children into this world, she should retain custody of them.The old mountaineer also wanted custody of the children. The judge asked for his side of the story and, after a long moment of silence, the mountaineer slowly rose from his chair and replied, \"Judge, when I put a dollar in a candy machine and a candy bar comes out, does it belong to me or the machine?\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Music", + "output": "TOP 10 OLD FOLKS' PARTY GAMES1.Sag, You're It!2.Pin the Toupee on the Bald Guy3.20 Questions Shouted into your Good Ear4.Kick the Bucket5.Red Rover, Red Rover, the Nurse Says Bend Over6.Doc, Doc Goose7.Simon Says Something Incoherent8.Hide and Go Pee9.Spin the Bottle of Mylanta10.Musical Recliners" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Farmers", + "output": "A farm boy accidentally overturned his wagonload of corn. The farmer who lived nearby heard the noise and yelled over to the boy, \"Hey Willis, forget your troubles. Come in and visit with us. I'll help you get the wagon up later.\" \"That's mighty nice of you,\" Willis answered, \"but I don't think Pa would like me to.\" \"Aw come on boy,\" the farmer insisted. \"Well okay,\" the boy finally agreed, and added, \"but Pa won't like it.\" After a hearty dinner, Willis thanked his host. \"I feel a lot better now, but I know Pa is going to be real upset.\" \"Don't be foolish!\" the neighbor said with a smile. \"By the way, where is he?\" \"Under the wagon.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Money", + "output": "A kid called up his mum from his college and asked her for some money, because he ran out of it. Mum said, \"Sure, sweetie. Mum will send you some money. You also left your calculus book here when you visited 2 weeks ago. Do you want me to send that up too?\"\"Uhh, oh yeah, o.k.\" Responded the kid.So Mum wrapped the book along with the checks up in a package, kissed Dad goodbye, and went to the post office to mail the money and the book. When she gets back, Dad asked, \"Well how much did you give the boy this time?Mum said, \"Oh, I wrote 2 checks for him, one for $20, and the other for $1000.\"That's $1020!!!\" yelled Dad, \"Are you crazy???\"\"Don't worry hon,\" Mum said, kissed Dad on the on top of his bald head, \"I taped the $20 check to the cover of his book, but I put the $1000 one somewhere between the pages in chapter 19!\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Money", + "output": "A martian landed in the country. He Went up to a farm house and knocked on the door. He told the farmer he would give him 1,000,000 dollars for his flock of sheep. The farmer said O.K. The martian pulled a tiny sheep out of his pocket and it ate all the sheep. The martian then offered the farmer $2,000,000 for all his cattle. He pulled a tiny cow from his pocket and it ate all the cattle. The farmer said, \"I will give you all the money back if you can pull a tiny republican from your pocket\"." + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Miscellaneous", + "output": "One day Tarzan comes home to the treehouse and says \"Jane.. give me a double Matini\". Jane says \"What is wrong with you -- you don't drink alcohol!\" Tarzan says \"It's a jungle out there!\"\"When I'm out of red, I use blue.\" - Pablo Picasso" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Science", + "output": "A sales company has particular trouble selling Bibles in their location. They are always looking for someone to break through to their market and make a real difference.One day, a man comes in with a job application and says, \"I-I-I-I'd l-l-l-l-l-like t-t-t-t-t-to b-b-b-b-b-be a B-B-B-Bible salesman, s-s-s-sir.\"Initially, he doesn't want to give the job to this man, but his conscience got the better of him. He decided to try him out.After three weeks, the manager is looking at the sales figures and realizes that the new guy is selling the most copies. Amazed, he calls him in to his office.\"You've only worked here for three weeks and you've already sold more copies than anyone else here! How do you do it?\"\"W-w-w-w-w-well, l g-g-g-go up t-t-t-t-to th-the d-d-d-door and-d- d l-l--l s-s-s-say, w-w-w-w-would y-y-y-y-y-y-you l-l-l-l-l-like t-t-to b-b-b-b-buy a c-c-copy o-o-of th-th-th-the B-B-B-Bible, or w-w-w- w-w-would y-y-y-y-you l-l-l-l-like m-m-me t-t-t-to r-r-r-r-read it t-t-t- t-t-to y-y-y-you?\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Miscellaneous", + "output": "Emma and Geri were locked out of their car and were trying to open the door.Emma: \"I can't get it open!\"Geri: \"Well, hurry, because the top's down and it looks like it's going to rain!\"Q: Why does it take a Spice Girl 2 hours to drink orange juice?A: The carton says \"concentrate.\"Why do the Spice Girls write T.G.I.F. on their shoes?Toes Go In First." + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Heaven and Hell", + "output": "Three men languished in Purgatory.After a while, they began talking to one another.Eventually, they got around to the age-old question asked by internees everywhere: \"Whaddya in for?\"The first man sighed, rolled his eyes heavenward and said \"Allah forgive me!I am a Moslem, and I once drank beer with my lunch.\"The second man looked ruefully at his bound hands and said \"May the Master of the Universe be truly merciful!I am a Jew, and I had a ham-and-cheese sandwich for lunch.\"The third guy remained quiet for some time, staring at the floor in abject misery.The other two prompted him gently, and finally resorted to shaking him, shouting \"Come on man!What did you do that was so awful?\"The third guy, choking back a sob, said \"I guess I may as well tell you guys... you've been so honest with me.I'm an Episcopalian and, God help me, I used the wrong fork!\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Music", + "output": "A band director named Ravelli was having a lot of trouble with one drummer.He talked and talked and talked with the drummer, and performance simply didn't improve. Finally, before the whole orchestra, he said, \"When a musician just can't handle his instrument and doesn't improve when given help, they take away the instrument, and give him two sticks, and make him a drummer.\" A stage whisper was heard from the percussion section: \"And if he can't handle even that, they take away one of his sticks and make him a conductor.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Sports", + "output": "Golfer: Notice any improvement since last year?Caddy: Polished your clubs, didn't you?Golfer: The doctor says I can't play golf.Caddy: Oh, he's played with you, too, huh?Golfer: \"Caddy, why didn't you see where that ball went?\"Caddy: \"Well, it doesn't usually go anywhere, Mrs. Smith. You caught me off-guard.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Old Age", + "output": "A guy was invited to an old friends' home for dinner.His buddy preceded every request to his wife by endearing terms, calling her Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, Pumpkin, etc.The guy was impressed since he knew the couple had been married almost 70 years, and while the wife was off in the kitchen he said to his buddy, \"I think it's wonderful that after all the years you've been married, you still call your wife those pet names.\"His buddy hung his head. \"To tell you the truth, I forgot her name about ten years ago.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Miscellaneous", + "output": "A guy walks into the human resources department of a large company and hands the executive his application. The executive begins to scan the sheet, and notices that the applicant has been fired from every job he has ever held.\"I must say,\" says the executive, \"your work history is terrible. You've been fired from every job.\"\"Yes,\" says the man.\"Well,\" continues the executive, \"there's not much positive in that.\"\"Hey!\" says the guy as he pokes the application. \"At least I'm not a quitter.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Farmers", + "output": "A busload of politicians were driving down a country road when, all of a sudden, the bus ran off the road and crashed into a tree in an old farmer's field. The old farmer, after seeing what happened, went over to investigate. He then proceeded to dig a hole and bury the politicians.A few days later, the local sheriff came out, saw the crashed bus and asked the old farmer where all the politicians had gone.The old farmer said he had buried them.The sheriff asked the old farmer, \"Were they ALL dead?\"The old farmer replied, \"Well, some of them said they weren't, but you know how them politicians lie.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Old Age", + "output": "A little girl is sitting on her grandpa's lap and studying the wrinkles on his old face. She gets up the nerve to rub her fingers over the wrinkles. Then she touches her own face and looks more puzzled. Finally the little girl asks, \"Grandpa, did God make you?\" \"He sure did honey, a long time ago,\" replies her grandpa. \"Well, did God make me?\" asks the little girl. \"Yes, He did, and that wasn't too long ago,\" answers her grandpa. \"Boy,\" says the little girl, \"He's sure doing a lot better job these days isn't He?\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Miscellaneous", + "output": "Q. What do you buy a friend graduating from Law School?A. A lobotomy.Q. What did the lawyer name his daughter?A. Sue.Q. Did you hear that the Post Office just recalled their latest stamps?A. They had pictures of lawyers on them ... and people couldn't figure out which side to spit on.Q. What's the difference between a female lawyer and a pit bull?A. Lipstick.Q. What do you call 20 lawyers skydiving from an airplane?A. Skeet.Q. It was so cold last winter ... (How cold was it?) ...A. It was SO cold ... that I saw a lawyer with his hands in his own pockets.Q. Where can you find a good lawyer?A. In the city morgue.Q. Why are lawyers like nuclear weapons?A. If one side has one, the other side has to get one. Once launched, They cannot be recalled. When they land, they screw up everything forever." + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Miscellaneous", + "output": "Q: Why are jokes about the Spice Girls so short?A: So that the girls themselves can understand them.Q: What do you call a Spice Girl in a university?A: A visitor.Q: Why was Emma so excited about finishing a jigsaw puzzle after 6 months?A: Because on the box it said: \"From 2-4 years\"." + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Political", + "output": "Bill and Hilary Clinton were the guests of honor at the World Marching Girl and Drum Majorette Championships in New York.Hilary noticed that Bill had a smile on his face, so she said, \" Well honey, what are you smiling at?\"Bill replied, \"Honey, if I had another inch, I'd be pretty popular amongst them Marching Girls.\"A big smile came across Hilary's face. Bill said, \"What are you smiling about?\"Hilary replied, \"Bill, if you had one inch less, you'd be out there marching with them.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Miscellaneous", + "output": "I was reminded today just how awful my wife's cooking was when we were first married. Yes, it's cliche but it's true. It was so bad that I teased her relentlessly. Recently, after an exceptionally exquisite meal, I put my fork down and asked her to what she attributed her acquired culinary mastery. She smiled a warm smile and looked at me as if I were an angel of light delivering divine revelation.\"Well,\" she said as her voice took on an ethereal grace, \"I believe it is a reflection of my heart. That the joy and love I feel are manifest in my cooking, in my gardening, in our children, in everything! I believe all things in life turn out well if they are done soulfully and honestly.\"\"Damn, baby,\" I said, my head awhirl at the thoughts and sounds from the woman next to me. \"I'm going to call that shrink of yours and tell him he has finally nailed the combination of prozac, lithium and paxil.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Miscellaneous", + "output": "The world's most widely seen warning label: \"Intel Inside\"Windoze 95/98 Tech Support response: \"It's not a bug, it's a feature.\"Apple: \"We may not do everything right, but at least we knew the century was going to change.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Miscellaneous", + "output": "Q: Why do the Spice Girls work 7 days a week?A: So you don't have to retrain them on Mondays.Q: How do you get a Spice Girl's eyes to twinkle?A: Shine a torch in her ear.Q: What do you call a Spice Girl with two brain cells?A: Pregnant." + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Business", + "output": "A young man hired by a supermarket reported for his first day of work. The manager greeted him with a warm handshake and a smile, gave him a broom and said, \"Your first job will be to sweep out the store.\"\"But I'm a college graduate,\" the young man replied indignantly.\"Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't know that,\" said the manager. \"Here, give me the broom - I'll show you how.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Blind Jokes", + "output": "One day, this woman went to a bait shop to get her husband a fishing reel for his birthday. After selecting one, she inquired as to its cost. The owner replied, \"I'm sorry, ma'am, but I'm blind and cannot see what reel you have. If you drop it on the floor, I'll recognize it and be of more help.\" So she did just that.After hearing it hit the floor, the owner said, \"That's the Johnson Model 9400. It'll be $40.00.\"The woman decided to take it so she went to pick it up off the floor. Upon bending over, she laid a stinky, sqeaky fart.The owner rang up the sale and said, \"That'll be fifty dollars.\" \"Fifty dollars?!?!\" the woman exclaimed. \"You just told me that is was forty dollars a moment ago!\"\"Yes, I did\", said the owner, \"But that was for the reel. The duck call is another $7.50 and the stink bait is $2.50.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Miscellaneous", + "output": "One day George Bush, Bill Clinton and Bob Packwood decide to visit the Wizard of OZ. After a long travel along the yellow brick road they arrive at the Wizards Palace.When they meet the Wizard he tells them that they may each have one wish fulfilled. The Wizard asks George Bush what he would like, to which George responds \"I would like to have a heart\" and a heart is given to him. The Wizard asks Bill Clinton what he would like, to which Bill responds \"I would like to have a brain\" and a brain is given to him.The Wizard then asks Bob Packwood what he would like, to which Bob responds \"Uhmmmm is Dorothy anywhere around\"........" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Miscellaneous", + "output": "A man was strolling along the Beaches area in East Toronto when he spotted a bottle floating in Lake Ontario. The bottle drifted ashore. He picked up the bottle and opened it, and out popped a Genie. \"Master, Master you have released me from my bondage in this bottle, ask any three wishes and I will grant them to you.\"The man thought for a moment and said, \"I would like the following three things to happen this year -- The Toronto Maple Leafs win the Stanley Cup, the Toronto Blue Jays win the World Series and The Toronto Raptors win the NBA title.\"The Genie thought about this for a moment and jumped back into the bottle." + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Miscellaneous", + "output": "Joe, the Governor's most trusted assistant, died in his sleep one night. The Governor had depended on Joe for advice on every subject, from pending bills to wardrobe decisions. In addition, Joe had been his closest friend.So, it was understandable that the Governor didn't take kindly to the droves of ambitious office seekers who wanted Joe's job. \"They don't even have the decency to wait until the man is buried,\" the Governor muttered.At the funeral, one eager beaver made his way to the Governor's side. \"Governor,\" the man said, \"is there a chance that I could take Joe's place?\"\"Certainly,\" the governor replied. \"But you'd better hurry. I think the undertaker is almost finished.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Farmers", + "output": "A number of years ago there was a proposed merger between Fairchild Electronics and Honeywell Computers. Rumor had it that the new company would be called Fairwell Honeychild.There is a merger in the works involving Polygram Records, Warner Bros. and Keebler. It will be called Poly-Warner-Cracker.There has long been a rumor that W. R. Grace Co. was going to buy the Fuller Brush Co. and Mary Kay Cosmetics and then merge with the Hale Business Systems. This would result in the new mega-corporation Hale Mary Fuller Grace.Don't forget the failed merger between Yahoo and Netscape: Net'n'Yahoo. It didn't work out because they were afraid they would have to relocate the headquarters to Tel Aviv.Others in the works:3M & Goodyear = mmmGoodJohn Deere & Abitibi-Price = Deere AbiHoneywell & Imasco & Home Oil = Honey, I'm HomeDenison Mines & Alliance & Metal Mining = Mine, All Mine3M & JC Penney & Canadian Opera Company = 3 Penney OperaGrey Poupon + Dockers Pants = Poupon PantsKnott's Berry Farm + National Organization of Women = Knott NOWCrabtree & Evelyn and Apple Computer = Crab AppleSwissair & Cheseborough-Ponds = SwisscheeseZippo Manufacturing & Audi & Dofasco & Dakota Mining = Zip Audi Do Da" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Bar Jokes", + "output": "Two men were sitting next to each other at a bar.After a while, one guy looks at the other and says, \"I can't help but think, from listening to you, that you're from Ireland.\"The other guy responds proudly, \"Yes, that I am!\"The first guy says, \"So am I! And where about from Ireland might you be?\"The other guy answers, \"I'm from Dublin, I am.\"The first guy responds, \"Sure and begora, and so am I! And what street did you live on in Dublin?\"The other guy says, \"A lovely little area it was, I lived on McCleary Street in the old central part of town.\"The first guy says, \"Faith & it's a small world, so did I! And to what school would you have been going?\"The other guy answers, \"Well now, I went to St. Mary's of course.\"The first guy gets really excited, and says, \"And so did I. Tell me, what year did you graduate?\"The other guy answers, \"Well, now, I graduated in 1964.\"The first guy exclaims, \"The Good Lord must be smiling down upon us! I can hardly believe our good luck at winding up in the same bar tonight. Can you believe it, I graduated from St. Mary's in 1964 my own self.\"About this time, another guy walks into the bar, sits down, and orders a beer.The bartender walks over shaking his head & mutters, \"It's going to be a long night tonight, the Murphy twins are drunk again.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Music", + "output": "A woman always wanted an expensive car -- a status symbol to drive around and be seen in. She scrimps and saves, goes to the BMW dealer, and plops down several years of income for a brand new state-of-the-art, computer enhanced dream mobile.She's driving off. Decides she wants some music and searches for the radio. The dashboard looks like a control panel at NASA. She fiddles with this button, that gizmo... jiggles these and those, but finally gives up.Furious, she races back to the dealership and screams at the salesman. Tells him they forgot to install the radio. He assures her it's right there in front of her. It's hooked into the onboard computer. All she has to do is tell it what she wants.He demonstrates:\"Classical,\" he says. \"click\" The car fills with the sounds of Paganini.\"Blues,\" she says, and \"click\" a B.B. King classic plays.She drives off amazed.\"Country,\" she says, and \"click\" a Garth Brooks tune comes on.\"Folk\" and \"click\" Joan Baez sings about the night they drove ol' Dixie down.\"New Age\" and \"click\" Yanni at the Acropolis snaps on.She's so captivated by this new toy that she isn't paying much attention to the road.Another driver runs a light and cuts her off. \"JERK!!!\" she screams. \"click\" \"Ladies and gentlemen, the President of the United States.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Family, Parents", + "output": "Four Catholic ladies were having coffee. The first Catholic woman tells her friends \"My son is a priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him \"Father.\" The second Catholic woman chirps, \"My son is a bishop. Whenever he walks into a room, people call him, \"Your Grace.\" The third Catholic mother says, \"My son is a cardinal. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, \"Your Eminence.\" Since the fourth Catholic woman sips her coffee in silence, the first three women give her this subtle, \"Well?\" So she replies, \"My son is a gorgeous, 6' 2\", hard-bodied dancer. When he walks into a room, people say, \"Oh my God!\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Old Age", + "output": "A woman walked up to a little old man rocking in a chair on his porch.\"I couldn't help noticing how happy you look,\" she said.\"What's your secret for a long happy life?\"\"I smoke three packs of cigarettes a day,\" he said. \"I also drink a case of whiskey a week, eat fatty foods, and neverexercise.\"\"That's amazing,\" the woman said. \"How old are you?\"\"Twenty-six,\" he said." + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Miscellaneous", + "output": "The boss called in his star salesman and said, \"I notice on your last expense report you entered '$50 for women' I don't really mind you having a good time and entertaining our clients, but you should be more discreet. From now on list those expenses as being for hunting.\" After that, the salesman's expense account regularly included items of \"$50 for hunting.\" But then one month the first entry read, \"$300 for cleaning rifle.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Miscellaneous", + "output": "There's a true story about a convicted con man who was recently found to be impersonating a lawyer in New York City. To which the judge remarked, \"I should have suspected he wasn't a lawyer. He was always so punctual and polite.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Miscellaneous", + "output": "Q: When does a person decide to become an engineer?A: When he realizes he doesn't have the charisma to be an undertaker.Q: What do engineers use for birth control?A: Their personalities.Q: How can you tell an extroverted engineer?A: When he talks to you, he looks at your shoes instead of his own.Q: Why did the engineers cross the road?A: Because they looked in the file and that's what they did last year.Q: How do you drive an engineer completely insane?A: Tie him to a chair, stand in front of him, and fold a road map the wrong way." + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Old Age", + "output": "Three old ladies were discussing the problems of getting older.One said, \"Sometimes I catch myself with a jar of mayonniaise in my hand, in front of the refrigerator, and can't remember whether I need to put it away, or start making a sandwich.\"The second lady chimed in \"Yes, sometimes I find myself standing on the stairs and can't remember whether I was on my way up or on my way down.\"The third responded, \"Well, I'm glad I don't have that problem;knock on wood.\"As she rapped her knuckles on the table...she said, \"That must be the door, I'll get it.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Money", + "output": "Dear Bill, I have been unable to sleep since I broke off your engagement to my daughter. Will you forgive and forget? I was much too sensitive about your mohawk, tattoo and pierced nose. I now realize that motorcycles aren't really that dangerous, and I really should not have reacted that way to the fact that you have never held a job. I am sure, too, that some other very nice people live under the bridge in the park. Sure my daughter is only 18 and wants to marry you instead of going to Harvard on full scholarship. After all, you can't learn everything about life from books. I sometimes forget how backward I can be. I was wrong. I was a fool. I have now come to my senses, and you have my full blessing to marry my daughter. Sincerely, Your future father-in-law P.S. Congratulations on winning the Lottery !!!" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Miscellaneous", + "output": "Top 13 best things to say if you get caught sleeping at your desk: 13. \"They told me at the blood bank this might happen.\" 12. \"This is just a 15 minute power-nap that they raved about in the last time management course you sent me to.\" 11. \"Whew! Guess I left the top off the liquid paper\" 10. \"I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm!\" 9. \"This is one of the seven habits of highly effective people!\" 8. \"I was testing the keyboard for drool resistance.\" 7. \"I was actually doing a \"Stress Level Elimination Exercise Plan\" (SLEEP) I learned at the last mandatory seminar you made me attend.\" 6. \"I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work-related stress. Are you discriminatory towards people who practice Yoga?\" 5. \"Darn! Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem.\" 4. \"The coffee machine is broken . . . \" 3. \"Ah, the unique and unpredictable circadian rhythms of the workaholic!\" 2. \"I wasn't sleeping. I was trying to pick up my contact lens without hands.\" And the #1 best thing to say if you get caught sleeping at your desk: 1. \"Amen\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Miscellaneous", + "output": "The young reporter covering Isreali politics took an apartment within sight of the Wailing Wall. Each day she would watch the faithful pray.One rabbi in particular stood out, so fervent were his prayers.One evening she approached him;\"Rabbi, I'm a reporter from America, from my window, each day, I see you pray in the morning and evening at this wall faithfully and with great zeal. How long have you been doing this?\"\"I pray at the wall, twice a day for 30 years.\" was the reply.\"Tell me Rabbi, what is it that you pray for?\"\"I pray at the wall for peace. Peace of mind, peace among nations, peace among families, peace among friends, peace among all people. Each day, twice a day, I come to the wall and I pray.\" \"Tell me Rabbi, when you pray, are your prayers answered?\"What are you kidding? It's like talking to a wall!\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Sex", + "output": "A group of people were in a shipwreck and were stranded on an island. The group consisted of 12 women and 1 man. After a few months, the women grew horny and it was decided that the man needed to take two women a day and they allowed him to have Sundays off. One day on a day off, he was just relaxing when he noticed a boat nearing. He felt hopeful that maybe they would be rescued, at last. The boat was almost to the island when the guy noticed it was a man in the boat. As he got out the first guy said \"Oh my God buddy, am I ever glad to see YOU, To which the second guy responded \"Well alright sweetie! It's been a long time for me too.\" The first man exclaimed \"Oh hell, there go my Sundays!\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Miscellaneous", + "output": "Two elderly ladies are sitting on the front porch, doing nothing.One old lady turns to the other and asks, \"Do you still get horny?\"The other replies, \"Oh, sure I do.\"The first old lady asks, \"What do you do about it?\"The second old lady replies, \"I suck a lifesaver.\"After a few moments, the first old lady asks, \"Who drives you to the beach?" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Computers", + "output": "DR. SEUSS EXPLAINS COMPUTERSIf a packet hits a pocket on a socket on a port, and the bus is interrupted as a very last resort, and the address of the memory makes your floppy disk abort, then the socket packet pocket has an error to report.If your cursor finds a menu item followed by a dash, and the double-clicking icon puts your window in the trash, and your data is corrupted 'cause the index doesn't hash, then your situation's hopeless and your system's gonna crash!If the label on the cable on the table at your house, says the network is connected to the button on your mouse, but your packets want to tunnel on another protocol, that's repeatedly rejected by the printer down the hall, and your screen is all distorted by the side effects of gauss, so your icons in the window are as wavy as a souse, then you may as well reboot and go out with a bang, 'cause as sure as I'm a poet, the sucker's gonna hang!When the copy of your floppy's getting sloppy on the disk, and the microcode instructions cause unnecessary risk, then you have to flash your memory and you'll want to RAM your ROM.Quickly turn off the computer. . . . and be sure to tell your mom." + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Miscellaneous", + "output": "11 people were clinging precariously to a wildly swinging rope suspended from a crumbling outcropping on Mount Everest.Ten were blonde, one was a brunette.As a group they decided that one of the party should let go. If that didn't happen the rope would break and everyone would perish.For an agonizing few moments no one volunteered. Finally the brunette gave a truly touching speech saying she would sacrifice herself to save the lives of the others.The blondes applauded." + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Miscellaneous", + "output": "A young military jet pilot a single engine F-16 American fighter was flying escort for a B-52 and generally being a nuisance, acting like a hotdog, flying rolls around the lumbering old bomber.The hotdog picked up his microphone and transmitted, \"Anything you can do, I can do better.\"The veteran bomber pilot answered, \"Try this hot-shot.\"The 4 engine B-52 continued its flight, straight and level.Perplexed, the hotdog asked, \"So? What did you do?\"\"I just shut down two engines.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Children", + "output": "A loaded mini van pulled in to the only remaining campsite. Four children leaped from the vehicle and began feverishly unloading gear and setting up the tent. The boys rushed to gather firewood, while the girls and their mother set up the camp stove and cooking utensils. A nearby camper marveled to the youngsters' father, \"That, sir, is some display of teamwork.\" The father replied, \"I have a system; no one goes to the bathroom until the camp is set up.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Miscellaneous", + "output": "A US Commerce Department Employee sits in his office and out of boredom, decides to see what's in his old filing cabinet. He pokes through the contents and comes across an old brass lamp. \"This will look nice on my mantelpiece,\" he decides, and takes it home with him.While polishing the lamp, a genie appears and grants him three wishes. \"I wish for an ice cold diet Pepsi right now!\"He gets his Pepsi and drinks it.Now that he can think more clearly, he states his second wish.\"I wish to be on an island where beautiful nymphomaniacs reside.\" Suddenly he is on an island with gorgeous females eyeing him lustfully.He eagerly gives the genie his third and final wish: \"I wish I'd never have to work ever again.\"POOF! He's back in his government office." + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Miscellaneous", + "output": "1. AQUADEXTROUS (ak wa deks' trus) adj. Possessing the ability to turn the bathroom faucet on and off with your toes. 2. CARPERPETUATION (kar' pur pet u a shun) n. The act, when vacuuming, of running over a string or a piece of lint at least a dozen times, reaching over and picking it up, examining it, then putting it backdown to give the vacuum one more chance. 3. DISCONFECT (dis kon fekt') v. To sterilize the piece of candy you dropped on the floor by blowing on it, assuming this will somehow 'remove' all the germs. 4. ELBONICS (el bon' iks) n. The actions of two people maneuvering for one arm rest in a movie theater. 5. FRUST (frust) n. The small line of debris that refuses to be swept onto the dust pan and keep backing a person across the room untilhe finally decides to give up and sweep it under the rug. 6. LACTOMANGULATION (lak' to man guy lay' shun) n. Manhandling the \"open here\" spout on a milk container so badly that one has to resort to the 'illegal' side. 7. PEPPIER (pehp ee ay') n. The waiter at a fancy restaurant whose sole purpose seems to be walking around asking diners if they want ground pepper. 8 PHONESIA (fo nee' zhuh) n. The affliction of dialing a phone number and forgetting whom you were calling just as they answer. 9. PUPKUS (pup'kus) n. The moist residue left on a window after a dog presses its nose to it. 10.TELECRASTINATION (tel e kras tin ay' shun) n. The act of always letting the phone ring at least twice before you pick it up, even when you're only six inches away." + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Family, Parents", + "output": "\"A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: Duh.\" --Conan O'Brien \"In elementary school, in case of fire you have to line up quietly in a single file line from smallest to tallest. What is the logic? Do tall people burn slower?\" --Warren Hutcherson \"If your parents never had children, chances are you won't either.\" --Dick Cavett \"I was a vegetarian until I started leaning towards sunlight.\" --Rita Rudner \"Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us geography.\" --Paul Rodriguez \"When you look at Prince Charles, don't you think that someone in the Royal family knew someone in the Royal family?\" --Robin Williams If the president of the USA has to be a natural-born citizen, could a test- tube baby ever be president? --Stephen Wright" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Miscellaneous", + "output": "WHY AIRPLANES ARE BETTER THAN WOMENl. An airplane will kill you quickly...a woman takes her time.2. Airplanes like to do it inverted.3. Airplanes can be turned on by a flick of a switch.4. An airplane's thrust to weight ratio is higher.5. An airplane does not get mad if you 'touch and go.'6. An airplane does not object to a preflight inspection.7. Airplanes come with manuals.8. Airplanes have strict weight and balance limits.9. You can fly an airplane any time of the month.10. Airplanes don't come with in-laws.11. Airplanes don't whine unless something is really wrong.12. Airplanes don't care about how many other airplanes you have flown.13. When flying, you and your airplane both arrive at the same time.14. Airplanes don't mind if you look at other airplanes, or if you buy airplane magazines. 15. It's OK to use tiedowns on your airplane." + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Family, Parents", + "output": "A man observed a woman in the grocery store with a three year old girl in her basket. As they passed the cookie section, the child asked for cookies and her mother told her \"no.\" The little girl immediately began to whine and fuss, and the mother said quietly, \"Now Ellen, we just have half of the aisles left to go through; don't be upset.It won't be long.\"He passed the Mother again in the candy aisle. Of course, the little girl began to shout for candy. When she was told she couldn't have any, she began to cry. The mother said, \"There, there, Ellen, don't cry. Only two more aisles to go, and then we'll be checking out.\"The man again happened to be behind the pair at the check-out, where the little girl immediately began to clamor for gum and burst into a terrible tantrum upon discovering there would be no gum purchased today. The mother patiently said, \"Ellen, we'll be through this check out stand in five minutes, and then you can go home and have a nice nap.\"The man followed them out to the parking lot and stopped the woman to compliment her. \"I couldn't help noticing how patient you were with little Ellen...\" The mother broke in, \"My little girl's name is Tammy... I'm Ellen.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Family, Parents", + "output": "OLD & NEW CONCERNS FOR THE BABY BOOMERThen: Long hair.Now: Longing for hair.Then: KegNow: EKG.Then: Acid rockNow: Acid reflux.Then: Moving to California because it's cool.Now: Moving to California because it's hot.Then: Watching John Glenn's historic flight with your parents.Now: Watching John Glenn's historic flight with your kids.Then: Trying to look like Marlon Brando or Elizabeth Taylor.Now: Trying not to look like Marlon Brando or Elizabeth Taylor.Then: Seeds and stems.Now: Roughage.Then: Popping pills, smoking joints.Now: Popping joints.Then: Our president's struggle with Fidel.Now: Our president's struggle with fidelity.Then: Paar.Now: AARP.Then: Being caught with Hustler magazine.Now: Being caught by Hustler magazine.Then: Killer weed.Now: Weed killer.Then: Hoping for a BMW.Now: Hoping for a BM.Then: The Grateful Dead.Now: Dr. Kevorkian.Then: Getting out to a new, hip joint.Now: Getting a new hip joint." + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Sex", + "output": "The elderly Italian man went to his parish priest, and asked if the priest would hear his confession.\"Of course, my son,\" said the priest.\"Well, Father, at the beginning of World War Two, a beautiful woman knocked on my door and asked me to hide her from the Germans. I hid her in my attic, and they never found her.\"\"That's a wonderful thing, my son, and nothing that you need to confess,\" said the priest.\"It's worse, Father. I was weak, and told her that she had to pay for rent of the attic with her sexual favors,\" continued the old man.\"Well, it was a very difficult time, and you took a large risk - you would have suffered terribly at their hands if the Germans had found you hiding her. I know that God, in his wisdom and mercy, will balance the good and the evil, and judge you kindly,\" said the priest.\"Thanks, Father,\" said the old man.\"That's a load off of my mind. Can I ask another question?\"\"Of course,my son,\" said the priest.The old man asked, \"Do I need to tell her that the war is over?\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Sex", + "output": "A man boards an airplane, and takes his seat.As he settles in, he glances up and sees the most beautiful woman boarding the plane.He soon realizes she is heading straight towards his seat.A wave of nervous anticipation washes over him.Lo and behold, she takes the seat right beside his.Anxious to strike up a conversation, he blurts out, \"So where are you flying to today?\"She turns and smiles,and says, \"To the annual Nymphomaniac convention, in Chicago.\"Whoa! He swallows hard,and is instantly CRAZED with excitement! Here's the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen, sitting right NEXT to him, and she's going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs!Struggling to maintain his outward cool, he calmly asks, \"And what's your role at this convention?\"She flips her hair back, turns to him, locks onto his eyes, and says, \"Well, I try to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality.\"\"Really\" he says, swallowing hard. \"And what myths are those?\"She explains: \"Well, one popular myth is that African-American men are the most well-endowed when, in fact, it is the Native American who is most likely to possess this trait. Another popular myth is that Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is men of Jewish descent who romance women best, on average.\"\"Very interesting,\" the man responds.Suddenly, the woman becomes very embarrassed, and blushes. \"I'm sorry,\" she says, \"I feel so awkward discussing this with you, and I don't even know your name!\"The man extends his hand and replies, \"Tonto. Tonto Goldstein.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Miscellaneous", + "output": "Bob had finally made it to the last round of the $64,000 Question. The night before the big question, he told the M.C. that he desired a question on American History. The big night had arrived. Bob made his way on stage in front of the studio and TV audience. He had become the talk of the week. He was the best guest this show had ever seen. The M.C. stepped up to the mike.\"Bob, you have chosen American History as your final question. You know that if you correctly answer this question, you will walk away $64,000 dollars richer. Are you ready?\"Bob nodded with a cocky confidence-the crowd went nuts. He hadn't missed a question all week.\"Bob, your question on American History is a two-part question. As you know, you may answer either part first. As a rule, the second half of the question is always easier. Which part would you like to take a stab at first?\"Bob was now becoming more noticeably nervous. He couldn't believe it, but he was drawing a blank. American History was his easiest subject, but he played it safe. \"I'll try the easier part first.\"The M.C. nodded approvingly. \"Here we go Bob. I will ask you the second half first, then the first half.\"The audience was silent with anticipation......\"Bob, here is your question: And in what year did it happen??\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Miscellaneous", + "output": "\"My wife dresses to kill.She cooks the same way.\" ...Henny Youngman \"My wife and I were happy for twenty years.Then we met.\" ...Rodney Dangerfield \"I was married by a judge.I should have asked for a jury.\" ...George Burns" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Miscellaneous", + "output": "Today's woman puts on wigs, fake eyelashes, false fingernails, sixteen pounds of assorted make-up/shadows/blushes/creams, living bras, various pads that would make a line-backer envious, has implants and assorted other surgeries, then complains that she cannot find a \"real\" man." + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Miscellaneous", + "output": "A Mr. Jones was sued by a Mrs. Johnson for defamation of character.She charged that he had called her a pig.Mr. Jones was indeed found guilty and fined.After the trial he asked the judge, \"Your Honor, this means that I cannot call Mrs. Johnson a pig?\"The judge said that was true.\"Does this mean I cannot call a pig Mrs. Johnson?\" the man asked.The judge replied that he could indeed call a pig 'Mrs. Johnson' with no fear of legal action.Mr. Jones grinned, looked directly at Mrs. Johnson and said, \"Good afternoon, Mrs. Johnson.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Miscellaneous", + "output": "The Secret Service has added a $1M security system to the President and Hillary's new home in suburban New York. The security system includes bullet proof windows, flood lights, and an alarm that goes off whenever Hillary's on her way home." + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Family, Parents", + "output": "MURPHY'S LAWS FOR PARENTS1. The tennis shoes you must replace today will go on sale next week.2. Leakproof thermoses--will.3. The chances of a piece of bread falling with the grape jelly side down is directly proportional to the cost of the carpet.4. The garbage truck will be two doors past your house when the argument over whose day it is to take out the trash ends.5. The shirt your child must wear today will be the only one that needs to be washed or mended.6. Gym clothes left at school in lockers mildew at a faster rate than other clothing.7. The item your child lost, and must have for school within the next ten seconds, will be found in the last place you look. [By definition]8. Sick children recover miraculously when the pediatrician enters the treatment room.9. Refrigerated items, used daily, will gravitate toward the back of the refrigerator.10. Your chances of being seen by someone you know dramatically increase if you drive your child to school in your robe and curlers." + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Ethnic Jokes", + "output": "There are many stories related to the sinking of the \"Titanic\". Some have just come to light due to the success of the recent movie. For example, most people don't know that back in 1912 Hellman's mayonnaise was manufactured in England. The \"Titanic\" was carrying 12,000 jars of the condiment scheduled for delivery in Vera Cruz, Mexico which was to be the next port of call for the great ship after New York City. The Mexican people were eagerly awaiting delivery and were disconsolate at the loss. So much so that they declared a national day of mourning which they still observe today. It is known, of course, as Sinko de Mayo." + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Computers", + "output": "IF OPERATING SYSTEMS WERE THE AIRLINES UNIX Airways Everyone brings one piece of the plane along when they come to the airport.They all go out on the runway and put the plane together piece by piece, arguing non-stop about what kind of plane they are supposed to be building. Air DOS Everybody pushes the airplane until it glides, then they jump on and let the plane coast until it hits the ground again. Then they push again, jump on again, and so on ... Mac Airlines All the stewards, captains, baggage handlers, and ticket agents look and act exactly the same. Every time you ask questions about details, you are gently but firmly told that you don't need to know, don't want to know, and everything will be done for you without your ever having to know, so just shut up. Windows Air The terminal is pretty and colorful, with friendly stewards, easy baggage check and boarding, and a smooth take-off.After about 10 minutes in the air, the plane explodes with no warning whatsoever. Windows NT Air Just like Windows Air, but costs more, uses much bigger planes, and takes out all the other aircraft within a 40-mile radius when it explodes. Linux Air Disgruntled employees of all the other OS airlines decide to start their own airline.They build the planes, ticket counters, and pave the runways themselves.They charge a small fee to cover the cost of printing the ticket, but you can also download and print the ticket yourself.When you board the plane, you are given a seat, four bolts, a wrench and a copy of the seat-HOWTO.html.Once settled, the fully adjustable seat is very comfortable, the plane leaves and arrives on time without a single problem, the in-flight meal is wonderful.You try to tell customers of the other airlines about the great trip, but all they can say is, \"You had to do what with the seat?\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Miscellaneous", + "output": "A tourist walks into a pet shop in Silicon Valley, and is browsingthe cages on display. While there, a customer walks in and says to the shopkeeper, \"I'll have a C monkey, please\". The shopkeeper nods, goes over to a cage and takes out a monkey. He fits a collar and leash and hands it to the customer, saying \"That'll be $5,000\". The customer pays and walks out with his monkey. Startled, the tourist says to the shopkeeper. \"That was a very expensive monkey--most of them are only a few hundred dollars. Why did that one cost so much?\" \"Ah, that monkey can program in C--very fast, tight code, no bugs, well worth the money.\" The tourist looks at the monkeys in that cage. \"That one's even more expensive $10,000! What does it do?\" \"Oh, that one's a C++ monkey; it can manage object-oriented programming, Visual C++, even some Java, all the really useful stuff.\" The tourist sees a third monkey in a cage on its own. The price tag round its neck says $50,000. Startled he says to the shopkeeper, \"That one costs more than all the others combined! What on earth does it do?\" \"Well, I don't know if it does anything, it's a Consultant.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Miscellaneous", + "output": "The National Football League announced yesterday, its name changes and schedules for the '99 seasonThe Washington Native Americans will host the New York Very Tall People on opening day.Other key games include the Dallas Western-Style Laborers hosting the St. Louis Wild Endangered Species, and the Minnesota Plundering Norsemen taking on the Green Bay Meat Industry Workers.In Week 2, there are several key matchups, highlighted by the showdown between the San Francisco Precious Metal Enthusiasts and the New Orleans Pretty Good People.The Atlanta Birds of Prey will play host to the Philadelphia Birds of Prey, while the Seattle Birds of Prey will visit the Phoenix Male Finches.The Monday night game will pit the Miami Pelagic Percoid Food Fishes against the Denver Untamed Beasts of Burden.The Cincinnati Large Bangladeshi Carnivorous Mammals will travel to Tampa Bay for a clash with the West Indies Free Booters later in Week 9.And the Detroit Large Carnivorous Cats will play the Chicago Large Mountain Mammals.Week 9 also features the Indianapolis Young Male Horses at the New England Zealous Lovers of Country." + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Miscellaneous", + "output": "My uncle was in the fertilized egg business when I was young. He had several hundred young layers, called pullets, and 8 or 10 roosters whose job was to fertilize the eggs.My uncle kept records and any rooster or pullet that didn't perform well went into the pot and was replaced. Now this took an awful lot of time. So when my uncle saw a set of eight tiny bells that each rang a different tone he promptly bought them.He glued a piece of foam rubber to each clapper shaft so the bell wouldn't ring except when violently shaken. He hung a bell on each rooster's neck and went and mixed a Mint Julep. Now he could sit on the porch and sip while filling out an efficiency report on the roosters by listening to the different tones of the bells and marking down each encounter. My uncle's favorite rooster was old Brewster. Brewster was a fine specimen, but his bell didn't ring all morning. Uncle went to investigate.Several roosters were chasing pullets, bells a-ringing. Brewster had his bell in his beak so it couldn't ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one. Chagrined at first, Uncle was soon so proud of Brewster he entered him in the county fair.Brewster was an overnight sensation. They not only awarded him the No Bell prize but also the Pullet Surprise." + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Miscellaneous", + "output": "A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead were walking along the beach. Suddenly a seagull flies over and craps all over them. The brunette say's in a disgusted voice; \"Hang on, the bathroom is just up the hill. I'll go get some toilet paper.\" After she leaves, the blonde begins to laugh. The redhead asks, \"What's so funny?\" The blonde says \"Well, blondes are suppose to be so dumb.......but look at her.......by the time she gets back with the toilet paper that seagull will be miles away!\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Idiots", + "output": "Here was this little guy sitting in a bar, drinking, minding his own business when all of a sudden this great big dude comes in and --WHACK!!-- knocks him off the bar stool and onto the floor. The idiot says, \"That was a karate chop from Korea.\"The little guy thinks \"GEEZ,\" but he gets back up on the stool and starts drinking again when all of a sudden --WHACK-- the big dude knocks him down AGAIN and says, \"That was a judo chop from Japan.\" So the little guy has had enough of this. He gets up, brushes himself off and quietly leaves. The little guy is gone for an hour or so when he returned. Without saying a word, he walks up behind the big idiot and *WHACK*bangs the big dude off his stool, knocking him out cold!!!The little guy looks at the bartender and says, \"When he comes to, tell him that is a crowbar from Sears.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Miscellaneous", + "output": "Bridget got sick of all these \"dumb blonde\" jokes. So one evening she went home and memorized all the state capitals.Back in our office the next day, Jim started telling one he just got on the internet.She cut him off cold.\"I've had it up to here with these blonde jokes.I want you to know that this blonde went home last night and did something probably none of you could do...I memorized all the state capitals.\"Jim looked at her, as she appeared quite serious, and said, \"I don't believe you. What is the capital of Nevada?\"\"N\", Bridget answered." + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Miscellaneous", + "output": "Three convicts were on the way to prison.They were each allowed to take one item with them to help them occupy their time whilst stuck behind bars.On the bus, one turned to another and said, \"So, what did you bring?\" The second convict pulled out a box of paints and stated that he intended to paint anything he could.He wanted to become the \"Grandma Moses of Jail.\" Then he asked the first, \"What did you bring?\" The first convict pulled out a deck of cards and grinned and said, \"I brought cards. I can play poker, solitaire and gin, and any number of games.\" The third convict was sitting quietly aside grinning to himself. The other two took notice and asked, \"Why are you so smug?What did you bring?\" The guy pulled out a box of tampons and smiled.\"I brought these.\" The other two were puzzled and asked, \"What can you do with those?\" He grinned and pointed to the box and said, \"Well according to the box, I can go horseback riding, swimming, roller-skating...\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Miscellaneous", + "output": "A drunk walks into a bar and says, \"Bartender, buy everyone in the housea drink, pour yourself one, and give me the bill.\" So, the bartenderdoes just that, and hands the man the bill. The drunk says, \"I haven'tgot it.\" The bartender slaps the guy around a few times then throws himout into the street. The very next day, the same drunk walks into the bar and once again says, \"Bartender, buy everyone in the house a drink, pour yourself one, and give me the bill.\" The bartender figures that he can't possibly be stupid enough to pull the same trick twice, so he gives him the benefit of the doubt. He pours a round of drinks for the house, has a drink himself, and hands the drunk the bill. Again, the drunk says, \"I haven't got it.\" The bartender can't believe it. He picks the guy up, beats the living daylights out of him, then throws him out into the street. The next day, the same drunk walks back into the same bar and says, \"Bartender, buy every one in the house a drink and give methe bill.\" In disgust, the bartender says, \"What, no drink for me thistime?\" The drunk replies, \"Nope! You get too violent when you drink.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Miscellaneous", + "output": "THE GIRL'S PRAYER Our Cash Which art on plastic Hallowed be thy name Thy Cartier watch Thy Coach bag In Gumps As it is in Tiffany's Give us each day our Platinum Visa And forgive us our overdraft As we forgive those who stop our Mastercard And lead us not into K-mart And deliver us from Loeman's For thine is the Rolex, the Harry Winston and the Armani For Chanel No.5 and Eternity Amex. THE BOYS PRAYER Our beer Which art in bottles Hallowed by thy sport Thy will be drunk I will be drunk At home as it is in the pub Give us each day our daily schooners And forgive us our spillage As we forgive those who spillest against us And lead us not into the practice of California wine tasting And deliver us from Tequila For mine is the adult beverage The ladys and the freedom Forever and ever Barmen." + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Idiots", + "output": "A young ventriloquist is touring the South and stops to entertain at a bar in Texas. He's going through his usual stupid Redneck jokes,when a big burly guy in the audience stands up and says \"I've heard just about enough of your damn hillbilly jokes; we ain't all stupid here in the South.\" Flustered, the ventriloquist begins to apologize, when the big guy pipes up, \"You stay out of this mister, I'm talking to the little wise-guy on your knee!\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Miscellaneous", + "output": "In Praise Of Older Women An older woman will never wake you up in the middle of the night & ask you, \"What are you thinking?\" An older woman doesn't care what you think. Older women have jobs with dental plans. Younger women can't help you when your teeth get knocked out playing hockey. Older women are dignified. They are beyond having a screaming match with you in the middle of the night in a public park. Older women often own an interesting collection of lingerie that they have acquired from admirers over the years. Young women often don't wear undergarments at all. An older woman will introduce you to all of her girlfriends. A younger woman will avoid her girlfriends when she's with you, in case you get any ideas. Older women know how to cook." + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Family, Parents", + "output": "REDNECK JEDI You might be a Redneck Jedi if..... ==> You ever heard the phrase, \"May the force be with y'all.\" ==> Your Jedi robe is camouflage. ==> You have ever used your light saber to open a bottle of Bud Light. ==> At least one wing of your X-Wings is primer colored. ==> You can easily describe the taste of an Ewok. ==> You have ever had a land-speeder up on blocks in your yard. ==> The worst part of spending time on Dagobah is the dadgum skeeters. ==> Wookies are offended by your B.O. ==> You have ever used the force to get yourself another beer so you didn't have to wait for a commercial. ==> You have ever used the force in conjunction with fishing/bowling. ==> Your father has ever said to you, \"Shoot, son come on over to the dark side ... it'll be a hoot.\" ==> You have ever had your R-2 unit use its self-defense electro-shock thingy to get the barbecue grill to light. ==> You have a confederate flag painted on the hood of your land-speeder. ==> You ever fantasized about Princess Leah wearing Daisy Duke shorts. ==> You have the doors of your X-wing welded shut and you have to get in through the window. ==> Although you had to kill him, you kinda thought that Jabba the Hutt had a pretty good handle on how to treat his women. ==> You have a cousin who bears a strong resemblance to Chewbacca. ==> You suggested that they outfit the Millennium Falcon with redwood deck. ==> You were the only person drinking Jack Daniels during the cantina scene. ==> If you hear . . . \"Luke, I am your father...and your uncle\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Money", + "output": "The Washington Post's \"Style Invitational\" asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting or changing one letter, and supply a new definition. Here are some recent winners: Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly. Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of obtaining sex. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high. . . . Tatyr: A lecherous Mr. Potato Head. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the recipient doesn't get it. Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late. Hipatitis: Terminal coolness. Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. Burglesque: A poorly planned break-in. (See: Watergate) Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like a serious bummer. Glibido: All talk and no action. Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly. Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a refund from the IRS, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with." + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Money", + "output": "The Washington Post's \"Style Invitational\" asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting or changing one letter, and supply a new definition. Here are some recent winners (1998): Doltergeist: a spirit that decides to haunt someplace stupid, such as your septic tank. Sarchasm: the gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the recipient who doesn't get it. Contratemps: the resentment permanent workers feel toward the fill-in workers. Reintarnation: coming back to life as a hillbilly. Hipatitis: terminal coolness. Dopeler effect: the tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly. Foreploy: any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of obtaining sex. Intaxication: euphoria at getting a refund from the IRS, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with." + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Money", + "output": "The Washington Post's \"Style Invitational\" asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting or changing one letter, and supply a new definition. Here are some recent winners (1998): Doltergeist: a spirit that decides to haunt someplace stupid, such as your septic tank. Sarchasm: the gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the recipient who doesn't get it. Contratemps: the resentment permanent workers feel toward the fill-in workers. Reintarnation: coming back to life as a hillbilly. Hipatitis: terminal coolness. Dopeler effect: the tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly. Foreploy: any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of obtaining sex. Intaxication: euphoria at getting a refund from the IRS, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with." + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Miscellaneous", + "output": "Three convicts were on the way to prison.They were each allowed to take one item with them to help them occupy their time whilst stuck behind bars.On the bus, one turned to another and said, \"So, what did you bring?\" The second convict pulled out a box of paints and stated that he intended to paint anything he could.He wanted to become the \"Grandma Moses of Jail.\" Then he asked the first, \"What did you bring?\" The first convict pulled out a deck of cards and grinned and said, \"I brought cards.I can play poker, solitaire and gin, and any number of games.\" The third convict was sitting quietly aside grinning to himself. The other two took notice and asked, \"Why are you so smug?What did you bring?\" The guy pulled out a box of tampons and smiled.\"I brought these.\" The other two were puzzled and asked, \"What can you do with those?\" He grinned and pointed to the box and said, \"Well according to the box, I can go horseback riding, swimming, roller-skating...\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Sex", + "output": "A mature woman goes to the doctor and asks his help to revive her man's sex drive. \"What about trying Viagra?\" asks the doctor. \"Not a chance,\" says Mrs. Murphy. \"He won't even take an aspirin for a headache.\" \"No problem\" replies the doctor. \"Drop it into his coffee; he won't even taste it. Try it and come back in a week to let me know how you got on.\" A week later, Mrs. Murphy visits the doctor, and he inquires as to how things went. \"Oh, it was terrible, just terrible, doctor.\" \"What happened?\" asks the doctor. \"Well, I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee. The effect was immediate. He jumped straight up, swept the cutlery off the table, at the same time ripping my clothes off, and then proceeded to make passionate love to me on the tabletop. It was terrible.\" \"What's terrible?\" asked the doctor. \"Was the sex not good?\" \"Oh no, doctor, the sex was the best I've had in 25 years, but I'll never be able to show my face in McDonald's again.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Farmers", + "output": "An out-of-towner drove his car into a ditch in a very rural area. Luckily, Farmer Jones came to help with his big strong horse named Hobo . . . He hitched ole Hobo up to the car and yelled, \"Pull, Nellie, pull!\" Hobo didn't move a muscle... just flicked away a fly with his tail.Then Jones hollered out, \"C'mon, pull, Davey, pull!\" Again, ole Hobo didn't move.Once more the farmer commanded, \"Pull, Stetson, pull!\" Nothing from Hobo.Then the farmer nonchalantly said, \"Pull, Hobo. C'mon, boy, pull!\" And the horse easily dragged the car up, out of the ditch.The motorist was most appreciative and very curious. He asked the farmer why he called his horse by the wrong name three times in a row.Wise Farmer Jones answered, \"Well, ole, Hobo here is blind as a bat. If he thought he was the only one pulling, he wouldn't even try!\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Miscellaneous", + "output": "It was primary time and the politician decided to go out to the local reservation to get the Native American vote. They were all assembled in the Council Hall to hear the speech. The politician had worked up to his finale, and the crowd was getting more and more excited.\"I promise better education opportunities for Native Americans!\"The crowd went wild, shouting \"Hoya Hoya\".The politician was a bit puzzled by the native word, but was encouraged by their enthusiasm.\"I promise gambling reforms to allow a Casino on the Reservation!\"\"Hoya! Hoya!\" cried the crowd, stomping their feet.\"I promise more social reforms and job opportunities for Native Americans!\"The crowd reached a frenzied pitch shouting, \"Hoya!Hoya!Hoya!\"After the speech, the Politician was touring the Reservation, and saw a tremendous herd of cattle.Since he was raised on a ranch, and knew a bit about cattle, he asked the Chief if he could get closer to take a look at the cattle.\"Sure,\" the Chief said, \"but be careful not to step in the hoya.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Miscellaneous", + "output": "The efficiency expert concluded his lecture with a note of caution. \"You don't want to try these techniques at home.\"\"Why not?\" asked someone from the back of the audience.\"I watched my wife's routine at breakfast for years,\" the expert explained. \"She made lots of trips to the refrigerator, stove, table and cabinets, often carrying just a single item at a time. 'Hon,' I suggested, 'Why don't you try carrying several things at once?'\"The voice from the back asked, \"Did it save time?\"The expert replied, \"Actually, yes. It used to take her 20 minutes to get breakfast ready. Now I do it in seven.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Miscellaneous", + "output": "Any ship can be a minesweeper... once.Don't draw fire, it irritates the people around you.Five second fuses only last three seconds.If the enemy is in range, so are you.Never share a fox hole with anyone braver than you.Never trust a private with a loaded weapon, or an officer with a map.Teamwork is essential; it gives the enemy someone else to shoot at.Remember, tracers work both ways." + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Military", + "output": "A crusty old marine corps colonel found himself at a gala event downtown, hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young, idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the colonel for conversation. She said, \"Excuse me, sir, but you seem to be a very serious man. Are you this way all the time, or is something bothering you?\"\"No,\" the colonel said, \"just serious by nature.\"The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, \"It looks like you have seen a lot of action.\"The colonel's short reply was, \"Yes, a lot of action.\"The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, \"You know, you should lighten up a little - relax and enjoy yourself.\"The colonel just stared at her in his serious manner.Finally the young lady said, \"You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?\"The colonel looked at her and replied, \"1955.\"She said, \"Well there you go; you really need to chill out and quit taking everything so seriously - I mean, no sex since 1955, isn't that a little extreme?\"The colonel, glancing at his watch, said in his matter-of-fact voice, \"Oh, I don't know. It's only 2130 now!\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Police Jokes", + "output": "San Francisco attorney Vince Hallinan was cross-examining a police officer during a felony trial in 1986 - it went like thisQ. Officer, did you see my client fleeing the scene? A. No sir, but I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender running several blocks away.Q. Officer, who provided this description? A. The officer who responded to the scene.Q. A fellow officer provided the description of this so- called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers? A. Yes sir, with my life.Q. With your life? Let me ask you this then officer - do you have a locker room in the police station - a room where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties? A. Yes sir, we do.Q. And do you have a locker in that room? A. Yes sir, I do.Q. And do you have a lock on your locker? A. Yes sir.Q. Now why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life, that you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with those same officers? A. You see sir, we share the building with a court complex, and sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that room.With that, the courtroom erupted in laughter, and a prompt recess was called." + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Miscellaneous", + "output": "On the way to preschool with her daughter, the doctor hadleft her stethoscope on the car seat, and her little girl pickedit up and began playing with it.\"How sweet,\" thought the doctor, \"my daughter wants tofollow in my footsteps!\"Then the child spoke into the instrument, \"Welcome toMcDonald's. May I take your order?\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Religious", + "output": "A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done. The monsignor replied, \"When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip.\"So the next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice.At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink.He proceed to talk up a storm.Upon return to his office after mass, he found the following note on his door:1. Sip the Vodka, don't gulp it.2.There are 10 Commandments, not 12.3.There are 12 Disciples, not 10.4.Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.5.Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.6.We do not refer to Jesus as the late J.C.7.The Father, Son, and the Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior, and Spook.8.David slew Goliath, he did not kick the crap out of him.9.When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.10. We do not refer to the Cross as the Big T!11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, \"Take this and eat it, for it is my body\", he did not say, \"Eat Me\".12. The Virgin Mary is not referred to as, \"Mary with the Cherry\".13. The reccommended grace before a meal is not: \"Rub-A-dub-dub, thanks for the grub. Yeah God!\"14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy-pulling contest at St. Peter's, not a peter-pulling contest at St. Taffy's." + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Miscellaneous", + "output": "Jim had an awful day fishing on the lake, sitting in the blazing sun all day without catching a single one. On his way home, he stopped at the supermarket and ordered four catfish.He told the fish salesman, \"Pick four large ones out and throw them at me, will you?\"\"Why do you want me to throw them at you?\"\"Because I want to tell my wife that I caught them.\"\"Okay, but I suggest that you take the orange roughy.\"\"But why?\"\"Because your wife came in earlier today and said that if you came by, I should tell you to take orange roughy. She prefers that for supper tonight.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Police Jokes", + "output": "A man decided that he was going to ride a 10 speed bike from Phoenix to Flagstaff. He got as far as Black Canyon City before the mountains just became to much and he could go no farther.He stuck his thumb out but after 3 hours, hadn't gotten a single person to stop. Finally a guy in a Corvette pulled over and offered him a ride. Of course, the bike wouldn't fit in the car. The owner of the Corvette found a piece of rope lying by the highway and tied it to his bumper. He tied the other end to the bike and told the man that if he got to going to fast, to honk the horn on his bike and that he would slow down.Everything went fine for the first 30 miles. Suddenly, another Corvette blew past them. Not to be outdone, the Corvette pulling the bike immediately took off after the other. A short distance down the road, the Corvettes, both going well over 90 mph, blew through a speed trap. The police officer noted the speeds from his radar gun and radiod to the other officer that he had 2 Corvettes headed his way at over 90 mph. He then relayed, \"And you're not going to believe this -- but there's this *really* amazing guy on a 10 speed bike honking to pass!!\"." + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Miscellaneous", + "output": "One night, after a long hard day at work a politician went home. It was fairly late, around 10:00 p.m.All of the sudden, a masked man jumped out of the bushes and demanded all the politician's money.\"You can't do that!!\" The politician cried. \"I'm a politician!\"\"Oh,\" said the masked man, \"in that case give me all MY money!!\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Miscellaneous", + "output": "There were two guys working for the city. One would dig a hole, he would dig, dig, dig, the other would come behind him and fill the hole, fill, fill, fill. These two men worked furiously. One digging a hole, the other filling it up again.A man was watching from the sidewalk and couldn't believe how hard these men were working, but couldn't understand what they were doing. Finally he had to ask them.He said to the hole digger, \"I appreciate how hard you work, but what are you doing? You dig a hole and your partner comes behind you and fills it up again!\"The hole digger replied, \"Oh yeah, must look funny, but the guy who plants the trees is sick today.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Miscellaneous", + "output": "A man was walking past a grave yard and he heard one of Beethoven's symphoney's playing backwards. He thought to himself \"That's wierd\" and kept walking.The next day the same man walked past the same cemetary and heard another one of Beethoven's symphony's playing backward's. He thought to himself \"Now that's REALLY wierd!\" and kept going.The next day the same man was once again walking past the same cemetary and heard \"Ode to Joy\" playing backwards. The man said \"I can't take this any more!\" he walked up to the caretaker and asked, \"What is going on around here?!\" the caretaker answered, \"Oh, that's just Beethoven decomposing.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Miscellaneous", + "output": "Roy was a gas station attendant. One day he was filling up another car, when he spotted three penguins sitting on the back seat of the car.Baffled, Roy asked the driver: \"What's up with those penguins?\"The man in the car replied: \"I found them by the side of the road. But to tell you the truth, I have no idea what to do with them.\"Roy wasn't the sharpest knife in the drawer, but after a few minutes of hard thinking he came up with a pretty good idea: \"You should take them to the zoo,\" he said.\"Great idea,\"the man in the car smiled and drove away. The next day the man with the car was back at Roy's gas station.And the penguins were still in the back seat of the car! \"Hey, they're still here! I thought you were going to take them to the zoo,\" Roy said.\"Oh, I did,\" said the driver, \"and we had a great time! Today I'm taking them to the beach.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Miscellaneous", + "output": "Judi is explaining to Monika the bad day she'd had at work.Judi's boss had suffered a heart attack and died.Monika said, \"How horrible!What did you do?\" Judi shook her head.\"There was nothing I *could* do.He kept yelling at me to call 9-1-1, but he wouldn't tell me the rest of the numbers!\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Miscellaneous", + "output": "A guy was invited to an old friends' home for dinner.His buddy preceded every request to his wife by endearing terms, calling her Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, Pumpkin, etc.The guy was impressed since he knew the couple had been married almost 70 years, and while the wife was off in the kitchen he said to his buddy, \"I think it's wonderful that after all the years you've been married, you still call your wife those pet names.\"His buddy hung his head. \"To tell you the truth, I forgot her name about ten years ago.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Animals", + "output": "Top Ten Signs Your Dog Doesn't Like Your Husband:1. Your dog keeps running away, but you alwaysknow where to find him: In front of your ex-boyfriend's door.2. He brings your husband his slippers and he brings you the car keys.3. He eats a load full of grass in the backyard, comes back in the house and waits by your husband's shoes.4. When he eats his dogfood, he gags everytime your husband walks past him.5. After your wedding, your dog played dead for a week.6. You notice that all the other dogs in the neighborhood keep giving your husband dirty looks.7. When he's supposed to bring your husband the paper, the only part he brings are the \"apartments for rent.\" 8. When your husband walks the dog, your dog tries to drag him to another neighborhood.9. When you come home, your dog comes running over to greet you. When your husband comes home, the dog sits down and starts scraping his butt along the carpeted floor.10. Your husband's cat has been missing for days." + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Computers", + "output": "The businessman dragged himself home and barely made it to his chair before he dropped exhausted.His sympathetic wife was right there with a tall cool drink and a comforting word. \"My, you look tired,\" she said. \"You must have had a hard day today. What happened to make you so exhausted?\"\"It was terrible,\" her husband said. \"The computer broke down and all of us had to do our own thinking.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Miscellaneous", + "output": "I was reminded today just how awful my wife's cooking was when we were first married. Yes, it's cliche but it's true. It was so bad that I teased her relentlessly. Recently, after an exceptionally exquisite meal, I put my fork down and asked her to what she attributed her acquired culinary mastery. She smiled a warm smile and looked at me as if I were an angel of light delivering divine revelation.\"Well,\" she said as her voice took on an ethereal grace, \"I believe it is a reflection of my heart. That the joy and love I feel are manifest in my cooking, in my gardening, in our children, in everything! I believe all things in life turn out well if they are done soulfully and honestly.\"\"Damn, baby,\" I said, my head awhirl at the thoughts and sounds from the woman next to me. \"I'm going to call that shrink of yours and tell him he has finally nailed the combination of prozac, lithium and paxil.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Heaven and Hell", + "output": "When Mother Theresa died she went to Heaven. For a week or two she was fully satisfied that she had to eat only fruits and vegetables, but then one day complained to St.Peter and asked for some cooked meal. - My Dear, - said St.Peter, - and who is going to cook every day for just the three of us?!This Preacher's son asks his father,\"Dad, can I have a car?\" The preacher replies,\", I will get you a car IF you get a haircut.\" Then his son says,\"Dad, Jesus had long hair.\" \"Yeah but he walked everywhere.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Miscellaneous", + "output": "A couple of carpet layers are installing new carpeting in the home of a pompous rich woman. They get the carpet all layed and one of them can't find his pack of cigarettes. He checks his pockets, etc., until finally his buddy spots a lump under the carpet.\"Geez, he says, we better handle this before she sees it.\"He goes to pull the carpet away from the wall when his buddy says,\"Wait, I have an easier way.\"He takes his hammer and pounds the lump flat. Just then, the woman comes in and asks frantically,\"Have you seen my toy poodle?\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Political", + "output": "President Clinton steps off Air Force One with a piglet under his arm. An impeccably dressed Marine Guard greets The President, cominh to attention and snapping out a razor-sharp salute. \"Welcome back, SIR! Nice pig you got there, SIR!\"President: \"These here is an Arkansas Razorback that I got for Hillary.Marine Guard: Nice trade, SIR!" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Miscellaneous", + "output": "A bear and a rabbit were taking a dump in the woods. The bear looked over to the rabbit and asked: \"Mr. Rabbit, do you ever have a problem with poop sticking to your fur?\"The rabbit replied: \"Why no, Mr. Bear, I most certainly do not.\"So the bear wiped his butt with the rabbit." + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Police Jokes", + "output": "The boss of a big company needed to call one of his employees about an urgent problem with one of the main computers. He dialed the employees home phone number and was greeted with a child's whispered on the first ring, \"Hello?\"Feeling put out at the inconvenience of having to talk to a youngster the boss asked, \"Is your Daddy home?\".\"Yes.\", whispered the small voice.May I talk with him?\", the man asked.To the surprise of the boss, the small voice whispered, \"No.\"Wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, \"Is your Mommy there?\".\"Yes.\", came the answer.\"May I talk with her?\".Again the small voice whispered, \"No.\"Knowing that it was not likely that a young child would be left home alone, the boss decided he would just leave a message with the person who should be there watching over the child.\"Is there any one there besides you?\", the boss asked the child.\"Yes\", whispered the child, \"A policeman.\"Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, \"May I speak with the policeman?\".\"No, he's busy.\", whispered the child.\"Busy doing what?\", asked the boss.\"Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman.\", came the whispered answer.Growing concerned and even worried as he heard what sounded like a helicopter through the ear piece on the phone the boss asked, \"What is that noise?\".\"A hello-copper.\", answered the whispering voice.\"What is going on there?\", asked the boss, now alarmed.In an awed whispering voice the child answered, \"The search team just landed the hello-copper!\"Alarmed, concerned and more than just a little frustrated the boss asked, \"Why are they there?\"Still whispering, the young voice replied along with a muffled giggle, \"They're looking for me!\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Miscellaneous", + "output": "Warning Signs That You Need A New Lawyer:1. You met him in prison.2. His last good case was a Budweiser.3. All his law books are from Time-Life.4. He picks the jury by playing duck, duck, goose." + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Music", + "output": "TOP 10 OLD FOLKS' PARTY GAMES1.Sag, You're It!2.Pin the Toupee on the Bald Guy3.20 Questions Shouted into your Good Ear4.Kick the Bucket5.Red Rover, Red Rover, the Nurse Says Bend Over6.Doc, Doc Goose7.Simon Says Something Incoherent8.Hide and Go Pee9.Spin the Bottle of Mylanta10.Musical Recliners" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "State Jokes", + "output": "The Ultimate Computer stood at the end of the Ultimate Computer Company's production line. At which point the guided tour eventually arrived.The salesman stepped forward to give his prepared demo.\"This\", he said, \"is the Ultimate Computer. It will give an intelligent answer to any question you may care to ask it\".At which a Clever Dick stepped forward - there is always one - and spoke into the Ultimate Computer's microphone. \"Where is my father\"? he asked.There was a whirring of wheels and flashing of lights that the manufacturers always use to impress lay people, and then a little card popped out. On it were printed the words \"Fishing off Florida\". Clever Dick laughed.\"Actually\", he said, \"my father is dead\"!It had been a tricky question!!The salesman, carefully chosen for his ability to think fast on his feet,immediately replied that he was sorry the answer was unsatisfactory, but as computers were precise, perhaps he might care to rephrase his question and try again?Clever Dick thought, went to the Ultimate Computer and this time said, \"Where ismy mother's husband\"? Again there was a whirring of wheels and a flashing of lights. And again a little card popped out. Printed on it were the words:\"Dead. But your father is still fishing off Florida.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Animals", + "output": "A man running a little behind schedule arrives at a picture theatre, goes in to watch the movie that has already started, and as his eyes adjust to the darkness, he is surprised to see a dog sitting beside its master in the row ahead, intently watching the movie. It even seemed to be enjoying the movie: wagging its tail in the happy bits, drooping its ears at the sad bits, and hiding its eyes with its paws at the scary bits. After the movie, the man approaches the dogs owner, \"Jeez mate, your dog really seemed to enjoy the movie. I'm amazed!\"\"Yes, I'm amazed also,\" came the reply. \"He hated the book.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Miscellaneous", + "output": "Two men held up a bank.They cleaned out the cash drawers and then herded the tellers and clerks into the vault.They were getting ready to make their getaway when one of the tellers whispered, \"Hey, buddy, would you do me a favor?\"One of the robbers said, \"What's on your mind, pal?\"\"Would you mind taking the books, too?I'm five thousand short.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Family, Parents", + "output": "A young man was walking through a supermarket to pick up a few things when he noticed an old lady following him around. Thinking nothing of it, he ignored her and continued on. Finally he went to the checkout line, but she got in front of him.\"Pardon me,\" she said, \"I'm sorry if my staring at you has made you feel uncomfortable. It's just that you look just like my son, who just died recently.\"\"I'm very sorry,\" replied the young man, \"is there anything I can do for you?\"\"Yes,\" she said, \"As I'm leaving, can you say 'Good bye, Mother!' ?It would make me feel so much better.\"\"Sure,\" answered the young man.As the old woman was leaving, he called out, \"Goodbye, Mother!\"As he stepped up to the checkout counter, he saw that his total was $127.50.\"How can that be?\" he asked, \"I only purchased a few things!\"\"Your mother said that you would pay for her,\" said the clerk." + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Police Jokes", + "output": "A preacher went to his church office on Monday morning and discovered a dead mule in the church yard. He called the police.Since there did not appear to be any foul play, the police referred the preacher to the health department. They said since there was no health threat that he should call the sanitation department.The sanitation manager said he could not pick up the mule without authorization from the mayor.Now the preacher knew the mayor and was not to eager to call him. The mayor had a bad temper and was generally hard to deal with, but the preacher called him anyway.The mayor did not disappoint. He immediately began to rant and rave at the pastor and finally said, \"Why did you call me anyway? Isn't it your job to bury the dead?\"The preacher paused for a brief prayer and asked the Lord to direct his response. He was led to say, \"Yes, Mayor, it is my job to bury the dead, but I always like to notify the next of kin first!\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Miscellaneous", + "output": "Some tourists in the Chicago Museum of Natural History are marveling at the dinosaur bones. One of them asks the guard, \"Can you tell me how old the dinosaur bones are?\"The guard replies, \"They are 3 million, four years, and six months old.\"\"That's an awfully exact number,\" says the tourist. \"How do you know their age so precisely?\"The guard answers, \"Well, the dinosaur bones were three million years old when I started working here, and that was four and a half years ago.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Animals", + "output": "Q: What do you call a cat with a machine gun?A: Sir.Q: What does a snail do on a tortoise's back?A: \"Vrooom... vrooom... vrooooooom...\"Q: How do you know if there is an elephant under the bed?A: Your nose is touching the ceiling." + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Family, Parents", + "output": "Three mothers were sitting around comparing notes on their exemplary offspring. \"There never was a daughter more devoted than my Alice,\" said Mrs. Davis with a sniff. \"Every summer she takes me to the Catskills for a week, and every winter we spend a week at Delray Beach.\"\"That's nothing compared to what my Anna does for me,\" declared Mrs. Jones proudly. \"Every winter she treats me to two weeks in Miami, and in the summer two weeks in the Hamptons, in my own private guest house.\"Mrs. Smith sat back with a proud smile. \"Nobody loves her mother like my Jackie does.Nobody.\"\"So what does she do?\" asked the two women, turning to her.\"Three times a week she gets into a cab, goes to the best psychiatrist in the city, and pays him a hundred and fifty dollars an hour - just to talk about me!\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Miscellaneous", + "output": "One fine day, a bus driver went to the bus garage, started his bus, and drove off along the route. No problems for the first few stops, a few people got on, a few got off, and things went generally well.At the next stop, however, a big hulk of a guy got on. Six feet eight, built like a wrestler, arms hanging down to the ground. He glared at the driver and said, \"Big John doesn't pay!\" and sat down at the back.The next day the same thing happened-Big John got on again, made a show of refusing to pay, and sat down. And the next day, and the one after that, and so forth. This grated on the bus driver, who started losing sleep over the way Big John was taking advantage of him.Finally he could stand it no longer. He signed up for body building courses, karate, judo, and all that good stuff. By the end of the summer, he had become quite strong; what's more, he felt really good about himself.So on the next Monday, when Big John once again got on the bus and said, \"Big John doesn't pay!,\" the driver stood up, glared back at the passenger, and screamed, \"And why not?\"With a surprised look on his face, Big John replied, \"Big John has a bus pass.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Heaven and Hell", + "output": "Two moose hunters from Texas are flown into a remote lake in Alaska. They have a good hunt and both manage to get a large moose. When the plane returns to pick them up, the pilot looks at the animals and says, \"This little plane won't lift all of us, the equipment, and both of those animals. You'll have to leave one. We'd never make it over the trees on the take off.\"\"That's baloney!\" says one of the hunters. \"Yeah,\" the other agrees, \"you're just chicken.We came out here last year and got two moose and that pilot had some guts! He wasn't afraid to take off!\"\"Yeah\", said the first hunter, \"and his plane wasn't any bigger than yours!\"The pilot got angry, and said, \"Hell, if he did it, then I can do it! I can fly as well as anybody!\"They loaded up, taxied at full throttle, and the plane almost made it, but didn't have the lift to clear the trees at the end of the lake. It clipped the tops, then flipped, then broke up,scattering the baggage, animal carcasses, and passengers all through the brush.Still alive, but hurt and dazed, the pilot sat up, shook his head to clear it, and said, \"Where are we?\"One of the hunters rolled out from being thrown into a bush, looked around and said, \"I'd say... About a hundred yards further than last year.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Money", + "output": "A man with no arms walked up to a bar and asked for a beer. The bartender shoved the foaming glass in front of him. \"Look,\" said the customer, \"I have no arms - would you please hold the glass up to my mouth?\" \"Sure\", said the bartender, and he did. \"Now,\" said the customer, \"I wonder if you'd be so kind as to get my handkerchief out of my pocket and wipe the foam off my mouth.\" \"Certainly.\" And it was done. \"If,\" said the armless man, \"you'd reach in my right hand pants pocket, you'll find the money for the beer.\" The bartender got it. \"You've been very kind,\" said the customer. \"Just one thing more. Where is the men's room?\" \"Out the door,\" said the bartender, \"turn left, walk two blocks, and there's one in a filling station on the corner.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Police Jokes", + "output": "The Army Airborne major was used to harassment from Air Force fliers about crazy Army paratroopers jumping out of perfectly good aircraft.\"Obviously the Air Force knows there's no such thing as a 'perfectly good aircraft,'\" the irritated officer finally countered one afternoon, \"because they pay you bastards four times as much to stay in one as the Army pays its men to jump.\"\"You've got it all wrong, Major,\" an Air Force sergeant replied.\"The Army figures anyone stupid enough to jump out of an airplane voluntarily is gonna be too dumb to complain about the salary.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Science", + "output": "A guy went into a bookshop and asked the salesgirl if she had a book called, \"How to Master Your Wife.\"The salesgirl said, \"Our science fiction section is upstairs.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Miscellaneous", + "output": "The distinguished professor and his chauffeur were talking one day on the way to the next speaking engagement, and the driver said, \"I've sat in the back and listened to your presentation so many times that I can give it just as well as you can.\"The professor said \"I'll bet you can't. Just to prove it, we'll trade clothes in the hotel, and I'll sit in the back.\"The chauffeur delivered the lecture flawlessly, and the audience applauded him roundly. Then a pompous professor from the local university, wishing to impress his colleagues in the audience, stood and asked a very specific question concerning the driver's presentation.The driver said, \"I am amazed that you would ask such a silly question. The answer is so obvious that I am going to ask my chauffeur, who is sitting in the back, to answer your ridiculous question.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Family, Parents", + "output": "Two women came before wise King Solomon, dragging betweenthem a young man in a three-piece suit.\"This young lawyer agreed to marry my daughter,\" said one.\"No! He agreed to marry MY daughter,\" said the other.And so they haggled before the King until he called forsilence.\"Bring me my biggest sword,\" said Solomon, \"and I shall hew the youngattorney in half. Each of you shall receive a half.\"\"Sounds good to me,\" said the first lady.But the other woman said, \"Oh Sire, do not spill innocentblood. Let the other woman's daughter marry him.\"The wise king did not hesitate a moment. \"The attorney mustmarry the first lady's daughter,\" he proclaimed.\"But she was willing to hew him in two!\" exclaimed theking's court.\"Indeed,\" said wise King Solomon. \"That shows she is theTRUE mother-in-law.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Miscellaneous", + "output": "A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing \"Love\" stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them.His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he is doing. The man says \"I'm sending out 1,000 Valentine cards signed, 'Guess who?'\"\"But why?\" asks the man.\"I'm a divorce lawyer,\" the man replies." + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Medical", + "output": "A woman went to the doctor's office. She was seen by one of the new doctors, but after about four minutes in the examination room, she burst out, screaming as she ran down the hall. An older doctor stopped and asked her what the problem was, and she explained. He had her sit down and relax in another room. The older doctor marched back to the first and demanded, \"What's the matter with you? Mrs. Jones is 63 years old, she has four grown children and seven grandchildren, and you told her she was PREGNANT?\" The new doctor smiled smugly as he continued to write on his clipboard. \"Cured her hiccups though, didn't it?\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Miscellaneous", + "output": "**Pick-Up Line Of the Day**Guy goes up to a girl, licks his finger, touches her on the shoulder, and then touches himself (all this while she is watching him) andsays:How about you and I get out of these wet clothes?" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Sex", + "output": "A man and a woman who have never met before find themselves in the same sleeping carriage of a train.After the initial embarrassment, they both go to sleep, the woman on the lower bunk, the man on the top.In the middle of the night the man leans over and says, \"I'm sorry to bother you but I'm cold and I was wondering if you could possibly pass me another blanket.\"The woman leans out and says in a sexy voice, \"I've got a better idea. Let's pretend we're married.\"\"Hey, terrific idea!\" says the eager man.\"Good!\" she replies, \"Get your own fu..in' blanket!\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Heaven and Hell", + "output": "Betty & Tim were killed in an auto accident on the eve of their wedding. When they reached the pearly gates, St Peter met them.They asked if they could still be married in Heaven.\"Well, let me find out if this is possible. Stay there and I will be right back.'Six months passed and finally Peter returned. \"Yes, we can do this for you.\"The couple replied, \"Well as we have spent so much time together waiting for your answer, we need to know that if things don't work out, is there a possibility that we could be divorced if the marriage doesn't work out?\"To this St Peter answered, \"It took me six months to find a priest up here... how long do you think it will take me to find a lawyer!\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Miscellaneous", + "output": "A fellow walks into a bar, orders a drink, and asks the bartender if he'd like to hear a good Notre Dame joke. \"Listen buddy,\" he growled. \"See those 2 big guys on your left? They were both linemen on the Notre Dame football team. And that huge fellow on your right was a world-class wrestler at Notre Dame. That guy in the corner was Notre Dame's all-time champion weight lifter. And I lettered in 3 sports at Notre Dame. Now, are you absolutely positive you want to go ahead and tell your joke here?\" \"Nah, guess not,\" the man replied. \"I wouldn't want to have to explain it 5 times.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Miscellaneous", + "output": "A Swede, a Norwegian and a Dane are caught in a snowstorm on the side of a mountain. They stumble across a cave and decide to take shelter.On entering they are greeted by an awful stench which, on inspection, turns out to come from a half-dead goat which has taken refuge in the cave.The three of them debate what to do and the Norwegian agrees to go in first. Five minutes later he staggers out sick with nausea and collapses.Then the Dane goes in and, ten minutes later crawls out and expires.Finally the Swede goes in and, fifteen minutes later.. the goat comes out." + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Money", + "output": "A martian landed in the country. He Went up to a farm house and knocked on the door. He told the farmer he would give him 1,000,000 dollars for his flock of sheep. The farmer said O.K. The martian pulled a tiny sheep out of his pocket and it ate all the sheep. The martian then offered the farmer $2,000,000 for all his cattle. He pulled a tiny cow from his pocket and it ate all the cattle. The farmer said, \"I'll give you all the money back if you can pull a tiny politician from your pocket\"." + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Animals", + "output": "This guy buys a parrot. Every morning he stands in front of the cage and asks in a pleasant voice \"Can you talk?\" This goes on for weeks with absolutely no response from the bird.Finally one morning, totally fed up, he shouts \"CAN YOU TALK, YOU STUPID CREATURE? CAN YOU TALK?\"The bird looks him in the eye and says \"I can talk, all right. Can you fly?\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Police Jokes", + "output": "A Marine colonel on his way home from work at the Pentagon came to a dead halt in traffic and thought to himself, \"Wow, this traffic seems worse than usual. Nothing's even moving.\" He notices a police officer walking back and forth between the lines of cars so he rolls down his window and asks, \"Excuse me, Officer, what's the hold up?\" The Officer replies, \"The President is just so depressed about all the problems going on that he stopped his motorcade in the middle of the Beltway and he's threatening to douse himself in gasoline and set himself on fire. He says his family hates him and he doesn't have the $33.5 million he owes his lawyers. I'm walking round taking up a collection for him\". \"Oh really? How much have you collected so far?\" \"So far only about a hundred gallons but I've got a lot of folks still siphoning.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Heaven and Hell", + "output": "The counselor at the \"magnet\" school called a boy (Myrddin) into his office before school started.\"Myrddin, I have some good news and some bad news to relate to you this morning. We've just reviewed all of your personality tests and I'm afraid you have definite homosexual tendencies. And now the good news -- I think you're cute as heck!\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Heaven and Hell", + "output": "Paddy just arrived in America from Ireland on holiday. Now, never having seen a baseball game before, he decides that now would be a good time. So, he goes to the park, and gets himself a bleacher seat.Now, Paddy sees a guy step up to the plate with a stick in his hand. The guy standing on the hump of dirt throws a ball at the guy with the stick, who then *crack* hits the ball and starts running down the side. Everyone around Paddy stands up and shouts \"RUN! RUN!!\"A second guy steps up to the plate, and damn, if the guy on that hump of dirt doesn't throw that ball again. And again, the guy with the stick *crack* hits the ball and runs down the side. And again, everyone around Paddy again, stands and shouts \"RUN! RUN!!\"Now, a third guy steps up to the plate with a stick in his hands. This time, when the guy on the hump of dirt throws the ball, the guy with the stick doesn't do anything. And the guy squatting behind the guy with the stick tosses the ball back to the guy on the hump of dirt. And Paddy is thinking to himself, \"What's happening? Why didn't he hit the ball?\" This happens three more times, with Paddy wondering more each time.After the fourth time, the guy with the stick drops the stick and strolls up the side. Now Paddy stands up and shouts \"RUN! RUN LIKE HELL!\" and the guy sitting next to Paddy says that he doesn't have to run. So Paddy asks him why, and is told that the batter has four balls.So Paddy shouts instead, \"WALK WITH PRIDE, MAN! WALK WITH PRIDE!\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "State Jokes", + "output": "The other day I went to the local religious book store, where I saw a HONK IF YOU LOVE JESUS bumper sticker. I bought it and put it on the back bumper of my car, and I'm really glad I did. What an uplifting experience followed! I was stopped at the light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord, and didn't notice that the light had changed. That bumper sticker really worked! I found lots of people who love Jesus. Why, the guy behind me started to honk like crazy. He must REALLY love the Lord because pretty soon, he leaned out his window and yelled, \"Jesus Christ!\" as loud as he could. It was like a football game with him shouting, \"GO JESUS CHRIST, GO!\" Everyone else started honking, too, so I leaned out my window and waved and smiled to all of those loving people. There must have been a guy from Florida back there because I could hear him yelling something about a sunny beach, and saw him waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air. I asked my two kids what that meant. They kind of squirmed, looked at each other, giggled and told me that it was the Hawaiian good luck sign. So, I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign back. Several cars behind, a very nice black man stepped out of his car and yelled something. I couldn't hear him very well, but it sounded like, \"Mother trucker,\" or \"Mother's from there.\" Maybe he was from Florida, too. He must really love the Lord. A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and were walking toward me. I bet they wanted to pray, but just then I noticed that the light had changed to yellow, and stepped on the gas. And a good thing I did, because I was the only driver to get across the intersection. I looked back at them standing there. I leaned way out the window, gave them a big smile and held up the Hawaiian good luck sign as I drove away. Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks." + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Heaven and Hell", + "output": "Catholic MathLittle Tommy was ding very badly in math. His parents had tried everything; flash cards, special learning centers, in short, everything they could think of. Finally in a last dash effort, they took Tommy down and enrolled him in the local Catholic school.After the first day, little Tommy comes home with a very serious look on his face. He doesn't kiss his mother hello. Instead, he goes straight to his room and starts studying. Books and papers are spread out all over the room and little Tommy is hard at work. His mother is amazed.She calls him down to dinner and the her shock, the minute he is done he marches back to his room without a word and in no time he is back hitting the books as hard as before.This goes on for sometime, day after day while the mother tries to understand what made all the difference. Finally, little Tommy brings home his report card. He quietly lays it on the table and goes up to his room and hits the books. With great tredpidation, his mom looks at it and to her surprise, little Tommy got an A in math.She can no longer hold her curiosity. She goes to his room and says, Son, what was it?Was it the nuns?Little Tommy looks at her and shakes his head.Well then, she replies, was it the books, the discipline, the structure, the uniforms, WHAT was it?Little Tommy looks at her and says, Well, on the first day of school, when I saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I knew they wern't fooling around." + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Science", + "output": "Jews for centuries have had outstanding people in many fields of science and research. But, in the year 1639, in a small Polish town, a 14-year-old Jewish boy, Sidney, started his own scientific investigations.Sidney, with his 12-year-old sister Sophie in tow, caught a large bull frog in a local pond. Sidney started the experiment with the bull frog, and told Sophie her job was to write down the results of the experiment.Sidney drew a line in the sand, placed the frog on the line, and prodded the frog with a small twig from the rear and shouted, \"Jump frog!\"The frog jumped and Sidney measured the distance. \"12 feet. Write that down, Sophie.\" he said.Next, he brought the frog back to the starting point and removed the frog's right front leg. Again he prodded the frog and shouted, \"Jump frog!\" The frog jumped 10 feet, and on instruction Sophie wrote it down.Again the frog was brought back, and the left front leg was removed, and again said, \"Jump frog!\" It jumped 6 feet and Sophie wrote it down.Again Sidney tried, this time removing the large right back leg. \"Jump frog! Jump frog!\" he shouted and prodded the frog. The frog jumped 8 inches. \"Write it down, Sophie.\"Finally Sidney removed the frog's remaining back left leg, put it down and prodded the frog with the twig, shouting \"Jump frog! Jump Frog! JUMP FROG! JUMP, JUMP FROG!\"The frog didn't jump. Sophie looked at Sidney, and said, \"So what should I write down?\"Sidney thought a moment, and told Sophie to write, \"When you remove all the legs from a frog, it turns deaf.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Miscellaneous", + "output": "During the \"rush hour\" at Houston's Hobby Airport, a flight was delayed due to a mechanical problem. Since they needed the gate for another flight, the aircraft was backed away from the gate while the maintenance crew worked on it. They were then told the new gate number, which was some distance away. Everyone moved to the new gate, only to find that a third gate had been designated for them.After some further shuffling, everyone got on board, and as they were settling in, the flight attendant made the standard announcement, \"We apologize for the inconvenience of this last-minute gate change. This flight is going to Washington, D.C. If your destination is not Washington, D.C., then you should 'deplane' at this time.\"A very confused-looking and red-faced pilot emerged from the cockpit, carrying his bags. \"Sorry,\" he said, \"wrong plane.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Miscellaneous", + "output": "Q. How do you know an lawyer is lying to you?A. His lips are moving.A. What do you do if you see a drowning lawyer?Q. Throw in his wife and kids.Q. Why are lawyers like laxatives?A. They irritate the crap out of you.Q. What do you need when you've have three lawyers up to their necks in cement?A. More cement.Q. What's black and brown and looks good on an lawyer?A. A doberman.Q. How many first year lawyers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?A. None - it's a second year project.Q. Did you hear that lawyers have found a new use for sheep?A. Wool.Q. What's the difference between a lawyer and a trampoline?A. You take off your shoes to jump on a trampoline!" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Farmers", + "output": "Farmer Joe decided his injuries from the accident were serious enough to take the trucking company responsible for the accident to court. In court, the trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning farmer Joe.\"Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine,'\" said the lawyer.Farmer Joe responded, \"Well I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule Bessie into the ...\"\"I didn't ask for any details,\" the lawyer interrupted, \"just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'\"Farmer Joe said, \"Well I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road ...\"The lawyer interrupted again and said, \"Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question.\"By this time the Judge was fairly interested in Farmer Joe's answer and said to the lawyer, \"I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite mule Bessie.\"Joe thanked the Judge and proceeded. \"Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting real bad and didn't want to move. However, I could hear ole Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans. Shortly after, a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning, so he went over to her. After he looked at her then he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes.\"Then the Patrolman came across the road with his gun in his hand and looked at me. He said,'Your mule was in such bad shape I had to shoot her. How are you feeling?'\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Religious", + "output": "A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers.Engineer: What's with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!Doctor: I don't know but I've never seen such ineptitude!Priest: Hey, here comes the greenskeeper. Let's have a word with him.Priest: Hi George. Say George, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow aren't they?George: Oh yes. That's a group of blind fire fighters. They lost their sight while saving our club house last year. So we let them play here anytime free of charge!(silence)Priest: That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight.Doctor: Good idea. And I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them.Engineer: Why can't these guys play at night?" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Miscellaneous", + "output": "A phone company puts an ad in the paper that they are recruiting workers.The next day, two groups of workers show up. A crew of five Italian men and a crew of five blonde women.The company cannot decide whom to give the job to, so they give them a test. The company boss says, \"Each crew will receive a telephone pole that they must install into the ground. Whoever is able to hammer it in first, they will get the job.\"Both groups agree that this is a fair test, so off they go in the company trucks with the long telephone poles sticking out the back.A few hours pass, and finally, at 5:00, the Italian crew returns.\"YAY!!\" they shout. \"We came back first, we get the job!!\"\"Good work, men,\" says the boss, \"However, we must wait until the other crew comes back to make sure that the reason they're delayed is not because of traffic, or that the truck broke down.\"\"Fine, no problem,\" say the men.An hour passes, two hours pass, three hours. Finally, at 12:00, the Blonde crew arrives. The entire group is flushed and breathing hard, as if they had just gone through harsh labor.\"What happened to you? What took so long?\" asks the boss incredulously.\"What do you mean, 'what took so long? Do we get the job?\"\"YOU get the job? No way! The men were back here HOURS ago!\"\"Well, of course they were,\" say the blondes. \"They only put the pole in halfway!!\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Miscellaneous", + "output": "When I was still a newlywed, I was invited out for a night with \"the boys\".Being naive about these things at the time, I promised my wife that I would be home by midnight!Well, you know how these things go; the yarns were being spun and the drinks were going down easy, and at nearly 3 a.m., drunk as a skunk, I went home.Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock we had gotten as a wedding present started up and cuckooed three times. Suddenly, I realized she'd probably heard me come in the door, so I cuckooed another nine times. I was really proud of my fast thinking and having the quick wits, even when smashed, to escape a possible showdown.The next morning my bride asked me what time I got in. I told her, \"midnight.\" Whew! Got away with that one!She then told me that we needed a new cuckoo clock.When I asked her why, she said, \"Well, last night at midnight, it cuckooed three times, said 'Oh, No!', cuckooed another five times, hiccoughed, cuckooed another four times, and then laughed hysterically!\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Miscellaneous", + "output": "A man is a person who, if a woman says, \"Never mind, I'll do it myself,\" lets her. A woman is a person who, if she says to a man, \"Never mind, I'll do it myself,\" and he lets her, gets mad. A man is a person who, if a woman says to him, \"Never mind, I'll do it myself,\" and he lets her and she gets mad, says, \"Now what are you mad about?\" A woman is a person who, if she says to a man, \"Never mind, I'll do it myself,\" and he lets her, and she gets mad, and he says, \"Now what are you mad about?\" says, \"If you don't know, I'm not going to tell you.\" A man is a person who, if a woman says to him, \"Never mind, I'll do it myself,\" and he lets her and she gets mad, and he says, \"Now what are you mad about?\", and she says, \"If you don't know, I'm not going to tell you\", whines \"How can I know what the problem is if you don't tell me?\" A woman is a person who, if she says to a man, \"Never mind, I'll do it myself,\" and he lets her, and she gets mad, and he says, \"Now what are you mad about?\" and she says, \"If you don't know, I'm not going to tell you\", and he whines \"How can I know what the problem is if you don't tell me?\", says \"OK, let's talk about it\". A man is a person who, if a woman says to him, \"Never mind, I'll do it myself,\" and he lets her and she gets mad, and he says, \"Now what are you mad about?\", and she says, \"If you don't know, I'm not going to tell you\", and he whines \"How can I know what the problem is if you don't tell me?\" and she says \"OK, let's talk about it\", turns on the television and watches cartoons." + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Miscellaneous", + "output": "Quasimodo goes to his Parisian Cathedral doctor for his annual checkup.\"I think something is wrong with your back,\" the doctor says.\"Why do you say that?\" asks Quasimodo.\"I don't know,\" the doctor replies. \"It's just a hunch.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Idiots", + "output": "There was once a great actor, who had a problem. He could no longer remember his lines. Finally after many years he finds a theatre where they are prepared to give him a chance to shine again. The director says, \"This is the most important part, and it has only one line, you must walk on to the stage carrying a rose, you must hold the rose with just one finger and your thumb to your nose, sniff the rose deeply and then say the line 'Ah, the sweet aroma of my mistress.'\" The actor is thrilled. All day long before the play he's practicing his line over and over again. Finally the time came. The curtain went up, the actor walked onto the stage, and with great passion delivered the line; \"Ah, the sweet aroma of my mistress\". The theatre erupted, the audience was screaming with laughter and the director was steaming! \"You bloody fool!\" he cried, \"You have ruined me!\" The actor was bewildered, \"What happened, did I forget my line?\" He asked.\"No!\" the director screamed, \"You Idiot! you forgot the damn rose!\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Religious", + "output": "Father O’Grady is standing at the door after Sunday Mass, when Mary Clancy comes up to him, tears rolling down her face.\"Oh Father,\" she cries, \"I have terrible news!\"\"What is it my child?\" She says,\"My husband died last night.\"\"Oh Mary,\" says the priest, \"That’s terrible news. But tell me- did he have any last requests?\"\"Yes he did, Father.\"\"And what exactly did he ask, Mary?\"\"He said ‘Please, Mary. Put the gun down.’\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Idiots", + "output": "Remembering the Quips of Groucho Marx...Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?Room service? Send up a larger room.Those are my principles. If you don't like them, I have others.He may look like an idiot and talk like an idiot but don't let that fool you... He really is an idiot.I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.A child of five could understand this. Fetch me a child of five.From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down I was convulsed with laughter. Someday I intend reading it.You know I could rent you out as a decoy for duck hunters?You've got the brain of a four-year-old boy, and I'll bet he was glad to get rid of it." + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Miscellaneous", + "output": "Two social workers were walking through a rough part of the city in the evening. They heard moans and muted cries for help from a back lane. Upon investigation, they found a semi-conscious man in a pool of blood. \"Help me, I've been mugged and viciously beaten.\" he pleaded.The two social workers turned and walked away. One remarked to her colleague: \"You know the person that did this really needs help.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Sex", + "output": "Sadie and Esther, two elderly widows, are sitting, people-watching, in a Catskill hotel lobby.\"You know, \" says Sadie, \"I've been reading this sex and Marriage book and all they talk about is mutual orgasm; mutual orgasm here, mutual orgasm there, that's all they talk about.Tell me, Esther, when your husband was alive, did you ever have mutual orgasm?\"\"No,\" says Esther, \"I think we had Allstate.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Political", + "output": "When President Jaques Chirac retired from public life, the Australian ambassador and his wife threw a gala dinner party in his honour. At the dinner table Carla Zampatti was talking with Madame Chirac. \"Your husband has been such a prominent public figure, such a presence on the French and International scene for so many years! How quiet retirement will seem in comparison. What are you most looking forward to in these retirement years?\" \"A penis,\" replied Madame Chirac. A shocked hush fell over the table.Everyone heard her answer ... and no one knew what to say next! Jaques Chirac leaned over to his wife and helped. \"Ma cherie,\" he said. \"I believe ze Australians pronounce zat word, 'Happiness!\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Miscellaneous", + "output": "Two nuns went out of the convent to sell cookies.One was Sister Mathematical (SM) and the other was Sister Logical (SL). It is getting dark and they are still far from the convent.SL: Do you notice a man's been following us?SM: Yes, I wonder what he wants.SL: It's logical.He wants to rape us.SM: Oh, no!At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes.What should we do?SL: The only logical thing is to walk faster.SM: It's not working.SL: Of course not.The man did the obvious thing and started walking faster, too.SM: What should we do?At this rate he will reach us in one minute.SL: The only logical is to split.You go that way and I'll go this way.He can't follow both of us. So the man decided to go after Sister Logical.Sister Mathematical arrived at the convent and became worried that Sister Logical hadn't arrived.Finally, Sister Logical arrives.SM: Sister Logical!Thank God you are here!Tell me what happened!SL: The only logical thing happened.The man could not follow both of us, so he followed me.SM: So, what happened?Please tell me.SL: The only logical thing to happen.I started to run as fast as I could.SM: Then what happened?SL: The only logical thing to happen.The man also started to run as fast as he could.SM: And what else?SL: The only logical thing to happen.He reached me.SM: Oh, no! What did you do then?SL: The only logical thing to do.I lifted my dress up.SM: Oh, Sister.What did the man do?SL: The only logical thing to do.He pulled down his pants.SM: Oh, no!What happened then?SL: Isn't it logical, Sister?A nun with her dress up can run faster than aman with his pants down.(And you thought this might be a dirty story! Shame on you.Say two Hail Mary's." + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Miscellaneous", + "output": "Al and Tipper Gore were sitting down to their usual cup of morning coffee listening to the weather report coming over the radio.\"There will be 3 to 5 inches of snow today and a snow emergency has been declared.You must park your cars on the odd numbered side of the streets.\" Al got up from his coffee and said, \"Well, okay.\"Two days later, they were again sitting down with their cups of morning coffee and the weather forecast said, \"There will be 2 to 4 inches of snow today and a snow emergency has been declared.You must park your cars on the even numbered side of the streets.\"Al got up from his coffee and said, \"Well, okay.\"Three days later, they were drinking their coffee and the weather forecast said, \"There will be 6 to 8 inches of snow today and a snow emergency has been declared.You must park your cars on the...\" and then the power went out and Al didn't get the rest of the instructions.He said to Tipper, \"What am I going to do now, Tipper?\"Tipper replied, \"Oh, Al, just leave the car in the garage." + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Miscellaneous", + "output": "Man goes to see the Rabbi.\"Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it.\"The Rabbi asked, \"What's wrong?\"The man replied, \"My wife is poisoning me.\"The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, \"How can that be?\"The man then pleads, \"I'm telling you, I'm certain she's poisoning me, what should I do?\"The Rabbi then offers, \"Tell you what. Let me talk to her, I'll see what I can find out and I'll let you know.\"A week later the Rabbi calls the man and says, \"Well, I spoke to your wife. I spoke to her on the phone for three hours. You want my advice?\"The man anxiously says, \"Yes.\"\"Take the poison,\" says the Rabbi." + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Farmers", + "output": "Three guys, a Canadian, an Iraqi and an Israeli are out walking together one day. They come across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it.\"I will give you each one wish, that's three wishes total,\" says the genie.The Canadian says, \"I am a farmer, my dad was a farmer, and my son will also farm. I want the land to be forever fertile in Canada.\" With a blink of the genie's eye, 'POOF' the land in Canada was forever made fertile for farming.The Iraqi was amazed, so he said, \"I want a wall around Iraq, so that no infidels, Christians or Jews, can come into our precious state.\" Again, with a blink of the Genie's eye, 'POOF' there was a huge wall around Iraq.The Israeli asks, \"I'm very curious. Please tell me more about this wall.\"The Genie explains, \"Well, it's about 150 feet high, 50 feet thick and completely surrounds the country; nothing can get in or out.\"The Israeli says, \"Fill it up with water.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Heaven and Hell", + "output": "Bill Clinton is in an elementary class and is trying to teach the students what a tragedy is. He asks if anyone knows. One kid stands up and says, \"I know. If I was in the street and got hit by a car, that would be a tragedy.\" Clinton says, \"No son, that would be an accident.\" Another kid stands up and says,\" I know. If we all were on a field trip and the bus went flying over a cliff, that would be a tragedy.\" Again, Clinton says, \"No son, that would be a great loss.\" The children are silent and then one kid stands and says, \"If you and Mrs. Clinton were on Air Force One and it just all of a sudden blew up and you both died, that would be a tragedy.\" Clinton thinks and then asks, \"Now why would you think that is a tragedy?\" The kid replies, \"Well, because it definately wouldn't be an ACCIDENT and it sure as hell wouldn't be a GREAT LOSS!\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Miscellaneous", + "output": "After the Great Britain Beer Festival, in London, all the brewery presidents decided to go out for a beer.The guy from Corona sits down and says \"Hey Sen~or, I would like the world's best beer, a Corona.\" The bartender dusts off a bottle from the shelf and gives it to him.The guy from Budweiser says \"I'd like the best beer in the world, give me 'The King Of Beers', a Budweiser.\" The bartender gives him one.The guy from Coors says \"I'd like the only beer made with Rocky Mountain spring water, give me a Coors.\" He gets it.The guy from Guiness sits down and says \"Give me a Coke.\" The bartender is a little taken aback, but gives him what he ordered.The other brewery presidents look over at him and ask \"Why aren't you drinking a Guiness?\" and the Guiness resident replies \"Well, if you guys aren't drinking beer, neither will I.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Religious", + "output": "After watching sales falling off for three straight months at Kentucky Fried Chicken, the Colonel calls up the Pope and asks for a favor.The Pope says, \"What can I do?\"The Colonel says. \"I need you to change the daily prayer from, 'Give us this day our daily bread' to 'Give us this day our daily chicken.' If you do it, I'll donate 10 million dollars to the Vatican.\"The Pope replies, \"I am sorry. That is the Lord's Prayer and I can not change the words.\"So the Colonel hangs up. After another month of dismal sales, the Colonel panics, and calls again. \"Listen, Your Excellency. I really need your help. I'll donate $50 million dollars if you change the words of the daily prayer from 'Give us this day our daily bread' to 'Give us this day our daily chicken.'\"And the Pope responds, \"It is very tempting, Colonel Sanders. The church could do a lot of good with that much money. It would help us to support many charities. But again, I must decline. It is the Lord's Prayer, and I can't change the words.\"So the Colonel gives up again.After two more months of terrible sales, the Colonel gets desperate. \"This is my final offer, your Excellency. If you change the words of the daily prayer from 'Give us this day our daily bread' to 'Give us this day our daily chicken,' I will donate $100 million to the Vatican.The Pope replies, \"Let me get back to you.\"So the next day, the Pope calls together all of his bishops and he says, \"I have some good news and I have some bad news. The good news is that KFC is going to donate $100 million to the Vatican.\"The bishops rejoice at the news. Then one asks about the bad news. The pope replies, \"The bad news is that we lost the Wonder Bread account.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Money", + "output": "The plumber presented his customer, a lawyer, with a bill charging rates of $500 an hour. The lawyer was outraged, saying \"I don't even make that kind of money - doesn't that seem a bit steep?\" The plumber replied, \"That's what I thought, when I was a lawyer.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Miscellaneous", + "output": "A couple married forty years were revisiting the same places they went to on their honeymoon. Driving through the secluded countryside, they passed a ranch with a tall deer fence running along the road.The woman said, \"Sweetheart, let's do the same thing we did here forty years ago.\"The guy stopped the car. His wife backed against the fence and they made love like never before.Back in the car, the guy says, \"Darling, you sure never moved like that forty years ago - or any time since that I can remember!\"The woman says, \"Forty years ago that fence wasn't electrified!\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Miscellaneous", + "output": "A professor of chemistry wanted to teach his 5th grade class a lesson about the evils of liquor, so he produced an experiment that involved a glass of water, a glass of whiskey, and two worms.\"Now, class, closely observe the worms,\" said the professor while putting a worm into the water.The worm in the water writhed about, happy as a worm in water could be. He then put the second worm into the whiskey. It curled up and writhed about painfully, then quickly sank to the bottom, dead as a doornail.\"Now, what lesson can we learn from this experiment?\" the professor asked.Johnny, who naturally sits in back, raised his hand and wisely, responded confidently, \"Drink whiskey and you won't get worms.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Miscellaneous", + "output": "A man took his wife deer hunting for the first time. After he explained the basics to his wife, he told her the most important piece of information:Whenever you shoot something, make sure to claim it right away or the first person who gets to your kill can claim it as their own, so be quick if we want to have deer meat in the refrigerator!So they departed to their deer boxes and waited for some deer. Minutes later he heard his wife's gun go off. The husband decided to make sure she went to claim her kill instead of giving it away to someone. When he got to his wife she was arguing with another man. When he finally got to his wife the man was shouting waving his hands in the air:Okay! Fine lady this is YOUR deer, but do you mind if I take my saddle off your deer before you take it away?!?!" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Miscellaneous", + "output": "A young man who was also an avid golfer found himself with a few hours to spare one afternoon. He figured if he hurried and played very fast, he could get in 9 holes before he had to head home. Just as he was about to tee off an old gentleman shuffled onto the tee and asked if he could accompany the young man as he was golfing alone. Not being able to say no, he allowed the old gent to join him.To his surprise the old man played fairly quickly. He didn't hit the ball far, but plodded along consistently and didn't waste much time. Finally, they reached the 9th fairway and the young man found himself with a tough shot. There was a large pine tree right in front of his ball - and directly between his ball and the green. After several minutes of debating how to hit the shot the old man finally said, \"You know, when I was your age I'd hit the ball right over that tree.\" With that challenge placed before him, the youngster swung hard, hit the ball up, right smack into the top of the tree trunk and it thudded back on the ground not a foot from where it had originally lay. The old man offered one more comment,\"Of course, when I was your age that pine tree was only 3 feet tall.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Miscellaneous", + "output": "Bill Clinton and his wife Hilary were at a baseball game when the man sitting behind Bill whispers something into Bills ear, Bill Clinton stands up and throws Hilary on the baseball field. The man that was sittingbehind Bill said, \"No, NO, I said throw the first pitch!" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Miscellaneous", + "output": "An explorer in the deepest Amazon suddenly finds himself surrounded by a bloodthirsty group of cannibals. Upon surveying the situation, he says quietly to himself, \"Oh God, I'm screwed.\"The sky darkens and a voice booms out, \"No, you are NOT screwed. Pick up that stone at your feet and bash in the head of the chief standing in front of you.\"So with the stone he bashes the life out of the chief. Standing above the lifeless body, breathing heavily looking at 100 angry natives...The voice booms out again, \"Okay... NOW you're screwed.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Miscellaneous", + "output": "One day, Clinton called the White House interior decorator into the Oval Office.He was furious and said, \"Chelsea is very upset because she thinks she has the ugliest room in the entire White House; I want something done about it immediately!\"\"Yes Sir, Mr. President,\" the interior decorator replied,\"I'll take those mirrors out right away!\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Miscellaneous", + "output": "Q: Why are the Spice Girls on the pill?A: So they can figure out what day it is.Q: What do you call a fly buzzing around inside a Spice Girl's head?A: space invader.Q: What do you call a Spice Girl with half a brain?A: Gifted.Q: What do you see if you look into a Spice Girl's eyes?A: The back of her head." + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Miscellaneous", + "output": "A blind man was traveling in his private jet when he detected something was wrong.He made his way to the cockpit and got no response from his pilot.The blind guy then found the radio and started calling the tower.\"Help! Help!\"The tower came back and asked what was wrong.The blind guy says, \"Help Me!!I'm blind, the pilot is dead, and we're flying upside down!!\"The tower comes back and asks, \"How do you know you're upside down?\" The blind guy replies, \"Because my pee is running *up* my back!\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Miscellaneous", + "output": "Two very elderly ladies were enjoying the sunshine on a park bench in Miami. They had been meeting that park every sunny day, for over 12 years, chatting and enjoying each others' friendship. One day, the younger of the two ladies, turns to the other and says, \"Please don't be angry with me dear, but I am embarrassed. After all these years, what is your name? I am trying to remember, but I just can't.\" The older friend stares at her, looking very distressed, says nothing for 2 full minutes, and finally with tearful eyes, says, \"How soon do you have to know?\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Money", + "output": "A lawyer and an engineer were fishing in the Caribbean.The lawyer said, \"I'm here because my house burned down, and all I owned was destroyed by the fire. The insurance company paid for everything and I'm using some of the insurance money for this trip.\"\"That's quite a coincidence,\" said the engineer. \"I'm here because my house and all my belongings were destroyed by a flood, and my insurance company also paid for everything.\"The lawyer looked confused... \"How do you start a flood?\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Miscellaneous", + "output": "Q: How many lawyers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?A: As many as you cam afford.Q: How many Lawyers does it take to oil a Hummer?A: 1, If you put him through real slow.Q: What do you call 1000 peg-legged lawyers?A: A waste of good wood!Did you hear the US Supreme Court building was taken over by foreign terroists?They are holding 30 lawyers hostage and they say if their demands are not met, they will start releasing one an hour!!" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Miscellaneous", + "output": "Two hunters were hunting deer when one accidently shot his friend. At the hospital the shooter asked the doctor if his friend would be ok. \"Well, he WOULD have been if you hadn't gutted him.\"Two hunters shot a deer, and were dragging him to the car by the hind leg, which was difficult because the other legs kept snagging in the brush. \"Chet, I've got an idea, I think we are doing this wrong. Let's try dragging him by the horns, like we were advised by the ammo store salesman.\" \"OK,\" says Ivan. After a while, Ivan says, \"I think this is a lot better because his legs fold up and don't get caught in the brush, but we seem to be getting farther from the car.\"A hunter just tagged his deer as the game warden walked up. \"Where's your license,\" asked the warden. \"Don't know,\" said the hunter. \"OK, you're under arrest for no license. Follow me to the road, and help me drag the deer,\" said the warden. \"No way,\" said the hunter. \"You drag it.\" Two hours later, after the warden had dragged the deer to the road, the hunter remembered which pocket held the license." + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Miscellaneous", + "output": "For many years a certain white whale and a tiny herring had been inseparable friends. Wherever the white whale roamed in search of food, the herring was sure to be swimming right along beside him.One fine spring day the herring turned up off the coast of Norway without his companion. Naturally all the other fish were curious, and an octopus finally asked the herring what happened to his whale friend.\"How should I know?\" the herring replied. \"Am I my blubber's kipper?\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Miscellaneous", + "output": "A lawyer died and arrived at the pearly gates. To his dismay, there were thousands of people ahead of him in line to see St. Peter. But, to his surprise, St. Peter left his desk at the gate and came down the long line to where the lawyer was, and greeted him warmly. Then St. Peter and one of his assistants took the lawyer by the hands and guided him up to the front of the line, and into a comfortable chair by his desk. The lawyer said, \"I don't mind all this attention, but what makes me so special?\" St. Peter replied, \"Well, I've added up all the hours for which you billed your clients, and by my calculation you must be about 193 years old!\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Sports", + "output": "Mike Tyson's Top 10 excuses after the infamous ear-biting incident.10. Got a little carried away after seeing \"Face/Off\".9. Really wanted to win first prize on \"America's Funniest Home Videos\".8. Like this doesn't happen every year in the Masters.7. Whenever Moe bites Curly's ear, it's hilarious!6. Has to do this kind of thing to compensate for the fact that he talks like Melanie Griffith.5. I guess you've never heard of a little thing called \"strategy\".4. Ears are tasty.3. \"It was self-defense -- he wouldn't stop punching me\".2. \"Disqualified\" sounds better than \"got his butt kicked all over the ring\".1. He ran out of gum." + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Miscellaneous", + "output": "Q: Hey, did you hear that OJ is starting a limo service?A: Yeah, he guarantees that he'll get you there with plenty of time to kill.Q: Did you hear about Delta Burke's tragic suicide attempt?A: She tried to harpoon herself." + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Miscellaneous", + "output": "Just after the maid had been fired, she took five bucks from her purse and threw it to Fido, the family dog. When asked why by her former employer, she answered: \"I never forget a friend. That was for helping me clean the dishes all the time!\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Miscellaneous", + "output": "It was decided by Microsoft during a brilliant brainstorming session that military service would improve the skills and discipline of their finest technician. So off to boot camp he went.At the rifle range, he was given some instruction, a rifle, and bullets. He fired several shots at the target. The report came from the target area that all attempts had completely missed the target.The Microsoft tech looked at his rifle and then at the target again. \"Hmmm.,\" he thought, \"I'll get to the bottom of this in no time.\"He looked at the rifle again, and then at the target again. He pointed his still loaded rifle at the ground in front of him and fired. A cloud of dust kicked up, and a little dimple was left there in the dust.\"Yep, it's working,\" he concluded.The technician yelled out to the others at the target end, \"The rifle is in working order, and the bullet seems to be leaving this end just fine. The trouble must be at your end!\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Miscellaneous", + "output": "One day, while being driven around the capitol, Hillary notices a young girl with a wagon full of kittens. On the lookout for a PR event, she stops to talk to the girl. As Hillary admires the kittens, the girl proudly boasts \"All my kittens are Democrats!\" Hillary thinks this is just the thing to show those nasty Republicans that even little children know the best party. She makes plans with the little girl to meet in a couple days with Bill and the press corps. When they meet, Bill kneels down in front of the girl and picks up a kitten. \"Hillary says you have something special to tell me about your kittens\" he says. \"Yes, sir. All my kittens are Republicans!\" Hillary splutters \"You told me they were all Democrats!\". The girl responds, \"Yes ma'am, but that was before they opened their eyes.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Miscellaneous", + "output": "This is an actual job application someone submitted at a fast-food establishment...NAME:Greg BulmashDESIRED POSITION:Reclining.Ha ha.But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place.DESIRED SALARY:$185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.EDUCATION:Yes.LAST POSITION HELD:Target for middle-management hostility.SALARY:Less than I'm worth.MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT:My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.REASON FOR LEAVING:It sucked.HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK:Any.PREFERRED HOURS:1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?:Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?:If I had one, would I be here?DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS?:Of what?DO YOU HAVE A CAR?:I think the more appropriate question here would be \"Do you have a car that runs?\"HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearinghouse Sweepstakes.DO YOU SMOKE?:Only when set on fire.WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?:Living in Bimini with a fabulously wealthy supermodel who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?:No, but I dare you to prove otherwise.SIGN HERE:Scorpio with Libra rising." + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Religious", + "output": "Four Catholic mothers are sitting around bragging about their sons, each of whom is a priest. First mother says, \"My son is a monsignor, and when he walks in the room, people greet him 'Good morning, Monsignor.'\"Second mother says, \"Well, my son is a Bishop, and people greet him 'Good morning, your Grace.'\"Third mother says, \"Well, my son is a Cardinal, and people greet him 'Good morning, your Eminence.'\"The fourth mother pauses, and finally says, \"My son is six feet, ten inches tall and is 300 pounds of pure muscle. When he walks in the room, people greet him 'Oh, My God!'\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Miscellaneous", + "output": "We are all aware that Al Gore is the saviour of the environment and the inventor of the Internet. What is not so widely known are his contributions to mathematics.While the Vice president has not mentioned these publicly, it should be noted that he is responsible for a course that almost every student takes in school- Al G. Bra.His name is also associated with that pattern of operations, the AlGore-rithm and the Pytha-Gore-ean theorem. Now if he could just keep people awake during his speeches....." + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Miscellaneous", + "output": "Two blonde builders were working on a house. One blonde was on a ladder nailing. She'd reach into her nail pouch, pull out a nail, look at it, and either toss it over her shoulder proceed to nail it into the wood.The other blonde couldn't stand it any longer and yelled up, \"Why are you throwing some of the nails away?\"The first blonde explained, \"When I pull it out of my nail pouch, if it's pointed toward me I throw it away. If it's pointed toward the house, then I can use it!\"The second blonde explained, \"Don't throw away those nails that are pointed toward you! They're for the other side of the house!!\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Miscellaneous", + "output": "The sargeant was going over the schedule at the Army base. \"I'm sorry to report,\" he said, \"that due to funding cuts, our exercises on the rifle range are going to be canceled for the fifth week in a row - maybe for the rest of the year.\" He flipped through his papers. \"Don't worry though, the semi-annual physical fitness test is still on as planned.\" From the back of the platoon a voice piped up, \"Does it bother anyone else that HQ doesn't seem to care how well we can shoot, but they're extremely interested in how fast we can run?\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Religious", + "output": "Once in a land far, far away there lived a group of people called Trids. The Trids were happy except for the huge ogre that lived on the mountain. The ogre would periodically terrorize the Trids.The Trids tired of the ogre and sought to reason with him.They thought one of their religious leaders would be a good intermediary.So a group of Trids and their minister went up the mountain and before they could even say one word the ogre kicked them down the mountain. Not being dismayed the Trids thought that maybe the ogre was Catholic, so they sent another delagation, this time led by the local priest.But alas, as they approached the ogre he once again kicked them all down the mountain.The Trids were upset until they thought that perhaps the ogre was Jewish. Unfortunately, no Trids were Jewish, so they wrote to the people of another land and asked them to send a Rabbi to help them with the ogre.The Rabbi arrived and led a delegation of Trids up the mountain.The ogre saw them coming and kicked all of them, except for the Rabbi, down the mountain.The Rabbi, having been told of the previous expeditions, wondered why he alone had not been kicked down the mountain, so he asked the ogre.The ogre laughed and replied:\"Silly Rabbi, kicks are for Trids!\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Miscellaneous", + "output": "Celebrity why did the chicken:1. Fox Mulder: You saw it cross the road with your own eyes. How many more chickens have to cross the road before you believe it?2. Bill Gates: I have just released the new Chicken Office 2000, which will not only cross roads, but it will lay eggs, file your important documents AND balance your checkbook. Unfortunately, when it divides 3 by 2 it gets 1.49999999993. Martin Luther King, Jr.: I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question.4. Albert Einstein: Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road moved beneath the chicken depends upon your frame of reference5. O.J. Simpson: It didn't. I was playing golf with it at the time6. Saddam Hussein: This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.7. Colonel Sanders: I missed one?8. Darwin: Chickens, over great periods of time, have been naturally selected in such a way that they are now genetically dispositioned to cross roads.9. Jerry Seinfeld: Why does anyone cross a road? I mean, why doesn't anyone ever think to ask, \"What the heck was this *chicken* doing walking around all over the place anyway?\"10. Richard M. Nixon: The chicken did not cross the road. I repeat, the chicken did *not* cross the road" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Animals", + "output": "Q: Why is an elephant gray, large and wrinkled? A: Because if it were small, round, and white, it would be an aspirin. Q:What did the cat who had no money say?A:I'm paw.Q: What do you get if you cross an alley cat with a Chinese cat?A: A Peking Tom.Q: What happened to the cat that swallowed a ball of wool?A: She had mittens." + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Heaven and Hell", + "output": "When the Son of God was nailed to the cross and died, he went straight down to hell from the cross and set free all the sinners who were there in torment.And the devil wept and mourned, for he thought he would get no more sinners for hell.Then God said to him, \"Do not weep, for I shall send you all those who are self-righteous in their condemnation of sinners and hell shall be filled up once more until I return.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Crazy Jokes", + "output": "Here are a few new perspectives through which to look at life!1. Follow your dream!Unless it's the one where you're at work in your underwear during a fire drill.2. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead.Do not walk ahead of me, for Imay not follow.Do not walk beside me, either.Just leave me alone.3. If you don't like my driving, don't call anyone.Just take another road. That's why the highway department made so many of them.4. When I'm feeling down, I like to whistle. It makes the neighbor's dog run to the end of his chain and gag himself.5. It's always darkest before the dawn.So if you're going to steal the neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.6. A handy telephone tip: Keep a small chalkboard near the phone. That way, when a salesman calls, you can hold the receiver up to it and run your fingernails across it until he hangs up.7. Each day I try to enjoy something from each of the four food groups the bonbon group, the salty-snack group, the caffeine group and the Whatever group.8. Into every life some rain must fall.Usually when your car windows are down.9. When you find yourself getting irritated with someone, try to remember that all men are brothers and just give them a noogie or an Indian burn. (try to avoid doing this to guys over 6'5\", because they can turn your body into an accordion Jershie :)10. This morning I woke up to the unmistakable scent of pigs in a blanket. That's the price you pay for letting your mother-in-law stay over.11. It's a small world.So you have to use your elbows a lot.12. Keep your nose to the grindstone and your shoulder to the wheel. It's a lot cheaper than plastic surgery.13. Love is like a roller coaster. When it's good you don't want to get off, and when it isn't, you can't wait to throw up.14. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.15. If you lend someone $20, and never see that person again; it was probably worth it." + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Religious", + "output": "A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers.Engineer: What's with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!Doctor: I don't know but I've never seen such ineptitude!Priest: Hey, here comes the greenskeeper. Let's have a word with him.Priest: Hi George. Say George, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow aren't they?George: Oh yes. That's a group of blind fire fighters. They lost their sight while saving our club house last year. So we let them play here anytime free of charge!(silence)Priest: That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight.Doctor: Good idea. And I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them.Engineer: Why can't these guys play at night?" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Heaven and Hell", + "output": "Three Texans, Slim, Billy-Bob and Bubba died and went to heaven.At the pearly gates, they were met by St. Peter, who explained that although it was late and God had retired for the evening, he had asked Albert Einstein to show them around so they wouldn't get bored before they met God in the morning. After Einstein had introduced himself to Slim, he asked:\"By the way, Slim, what was your IQ when you were alive?\"\"159\", said Slim.\"Great!\", said Einstein. We'll discuss my general theory of relativity and maybe a little unified field theory as I show you around.\"\"What an exciting opportunity!\", said Slim.Einstein then introduced himself to Billy-Bob, and when he was done he said:\"Tell me, Billy-Bob - what was your IQ when you were alive?\"\"141\", said Billy-Bob.\"Good,\" said Einstein. \"If you'd like, we can discuss a little mathematics and philosophy as I point out the heavenly sights.\"\"Nothing I'd like better!\" was Billy-Bob's reply.After Einstein had introduced himself to Bubba, he asked:\"What was your IQ when you were alive, Bubba?\"\"58\" said Bubba.Punching him on the arm, Einstein said:\"Hey, Bubba - How 'bout them Cowboys!\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Religious", + "output": "A century ago, a young student at the great Oxford University in England was taking an important examination in religious studies.The examination question for this day was to write about the religious and spiritual meaning in the miracle of Christ turning water into wine.For two hours he sat in the crowded classroom while other students filled their pages with long essays, to show their understanding.The exam time was almost over and this one student had not written a single word.The proctor came over to him and insisted that he commit something to the paper before turning it in.The young Lord Byron simply picked up his hand and penned the following line:\"The water met its Master, and blushed.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Children", + "output": "Sayings According To First GradersA first grade teacher collected well known proverbs. He gave each kid in the class the first half of the proverb, and asked them to come up with the rest. Here is what the kids came up with:Better to be safe than .... punch a 5th graderStrike while the ... bug is close.It's always darkest before ... daylight savings timeNever underestimate the power of ... termites.You can lead a horse to water but ... how?Don't bite the hand that ... looks dirty.No news is ... impossible.A miss is as good as a ... Mrs.You can't teach an old dog ... math.If you lie down with dogs, you ... will stink in the morning.Love all, trust ... me.The pen is mightier than ... the pigs.An idle mind is ... the best way to relax.Where there is smoke, there's ... pollution.Happy is the bride who ... gets all the presents.A penny saved is ... not much.Two is company, three's ... The Musketeers.None are so blind as ... Helen Keller.Children should be seen and not ... spanked or grounded.If at first you don't succeed ... get new batteries.You get out of something what you ... see pictured on the box.When the blind lead the blind ... get out of the way.There is no fool like ... Aunt Edie.Laugh and the whole world laughs with you. Cry and ... you have to blow your nose." + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Miscellaneous", + "output": "During the \"rush hour\" at Houston's Hobby Airport, a flight was delayed due to a mechanical problem. Since they needed the gate for another flight, the aircraft was backed away from the gate while the maintenance crew worked on it. They were then told the new gate number, which was some distance away. Everyone moved to the new gate, only to find that a third gate had been designated for them.After some further shuffling, everyone got on board, and as they were settling in, the flight attendant made the standard announcement, \"We apologize for the inconvenience of this last-minute gate change. This flight is going to Washington, D.C. If your destination is not Washington, D.C., then you should 'deplane' at this time.\"A very confused-looking and red-faced pilot emerged from the cockpit, carrying his bags. \"Sorry,\" he said, \"wrong plane.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Heaven and Hell", + "output": "Two buddies, Bob and Earl, were two of the biggest baseball fans in America.Their entire adult lives, Bob and Earl discussed baseball history in the winter, and they poured over every box score during the season. They went to 60 games a year. They even agreed that whoever died first would try to come back and tell the other if there was baseball in heaven.One summer night, Bob passed away in his sleep after watching the Yankee victory earlier in the evening. He died happy.A few nights later, his buddy Earl awoke to the sound of Bob's voice from beyond.\"Bob is that you?\" Earl asked.\"Of course it me,\" Bob replied.\"This is unbelievable!\" Earl exclaimed. \"So tell me, is there baseball in heaven?\"\"Well I have some good news and some bad news for you. Which do you want to hear first?\"\"Tell me the good news first.\"\"Well, the good news is that yes, there is baseball in heaven, Earl.\"\"Oh, that is wonderful! So what could possibly be the bad news?\"\"You're pitching tomorrow night.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Miscellaneous", + "output": "Etch-A-Sketch Tech Support:Q: My Etch-A-Sketch has all of these funny little lines all over the screen.A: Pick it up and shake it.Q: How do I turn my Etch-A-Sketch off?A: Pick it up and shake it.Q: What's the shortcut for Undo?A: Pick it up and shake it.Q: How do I create a New Document window?A: Pick it up and shake it.Q: How do I set the background and foreground to the same color?A: Pick it up and shake it.Q: What is the proper procedure for rebooting my Etch-A-Sketch?A: Pick it up and shake it.Q: How do I delete a document on my Etch-A-Sketch?A: Pick it up and shake it.Q: How do I save my Etch-A-Sketch document?A: Don't shake it." + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Family, Parents", + "output": "IDEALISM:Happy Birthday.CAPITALISM:I shopped all day for your birthday.COMMUNISM:We only celebrate Lenin's birthday.CORPORATE AMERICA:Happy birthday. You're fired.AGNOSTICISM:I'm not sure if it's your birthday or not.ATHEISM:I can't believe it's your birthday.HINDUISM:Holy Cow!Is it your birthday?HINDUISM:Ever get that feeling you've been born before?TAOISM:It's everybody's birthday.BUDDHISM:If your birthday party was held in the forest and nobody came... would it make a sound?CATHOLICISM: Sorry, we need candles for votive purposes.CATHOLICISM:If your parents used birth control, you wouldn't even _have_ a birthday, so there!CATHOLICISM:It's your birthday but you don't deserve a cake or even this greeting card.EPISCOPALIANISM: Tasteful birthday to you! Care for some Dry Sack?LUTHERANISM:I take it on faith it's your birthday. So I don't need to send cards and gifts, right?EXISTENTIALISM:Your birthday means nothing to me.FUNDAMENTALISM: But when is your _spiritual_ birthday?SARCASM:You don't look half bad for someone twice your age.JEHOVAH'S WITNESSES:Knock! Knock!Happy Birthday!MORMONS:Which birthday are we talking about? the spirit world or the current one?QUAKERS:I am moved to wish you a peaceful birthday.UNITARIAN-UNIVERSALISTS:Have any kind of birthday you want.WICCANS:Have the Earth Mother of all birthdays!SATANIC CHURCH OF AMERICA:It's not my birthday, so screw off!GNOSTICS:It's your birthday, but don't tell anyone -- It's a secret!KABBALISTS:Another step on the tree of life? Geez, how many branches up are you?MASONS:I'll wish you a happy birthday, but first -- show me the sign.LEWIS CARROLL:A very happy unbirthday to you!(and you and you and you)." + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Miscellaneous", + "output": "A professor of chemistry wanted to teach his 5th grade class a lesson about the evils of liquor, so he produced an experiment that involved a glass of water, a glass of whiskey, and two worms.\"Now, class, closely observe the worms,\" said the professor while putting a worm into the water.The worm in the water writhed about, happy as a worm in water could be. He then put the second worm into the whiskey. It curled up and writhed about painfully, then quickly sank to the bottom, dead as a doornail.\"Now, what lesson can we learn from this experiment?\" the professor asked.Johnny, who naturally sits in back, raised his hand and wisely, responded confidently, \"Drink whiskey and you won't get worms.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Money", + "output": "There were two men who played golf together frequently. One was several strokes better than the other. The lesser player was very proud, and never wanted to take any strokes to even up the game.One Saturday morning, he shows up with a gorilla at the first tee. He says to his friend, \"I've been trying to beat you for so long that I'm about ready to give up. But, I heard about this golfing gorilla, and I was wondering if it would be alright if he plays for me today. In fact if you're game, I'd like to try to get back all the money I've lost to you this year. I figure comes to about a thousand bucks. Are you willing?\"The other guy thought about it for a minute, and then decided to play the gorilla. \"After all, how good could a gorilla be at golf?\" he thought.Well, the first hole was a straightaway par 4 of 450 yards. The guy hits a beautiful tee shot, 275 yards down the middle, leaving himself a 6 iron to the green. The gorilla takes a few powerful practice swings and then laces the ball 450 yards, right at the pin, stopping about 6 inches away from the hole.The guy turns to his friend and says \"That's incredible, I would have never believed it if I hadn't seen it with my own eyes. But, you know what, I've seen enough. I've got no interest in being totally humiliated by this gorilla golfing machine. You send this frigging gorilla back to where he comes from. I need a drink; better make it a double, and I'll write you a check.\"After handing over the check, and well into his second double the guy asks, \"By the way, how's that gorilla's putting?\"The other guy replies, \"Same as his driving.\"\"That good, huh?\"\"No, I mean, he hits putts the same way - 450 yards, right down the middle!\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Miscellaneous", + "output": "Q: What do you get when you cross a fly with an elephant?A: A zipper that never forgets.Q: Where does virgin wool come from?A: Ugly sheep.Q: How do you tell when a moth farts?A: It flies in a straight line." + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Miscellaneous", + "output": "The professors of mathematics and physics were staring away at the flag pole in front of the front of the college building.The professor of English walking by asked, \"What seems to be the problem?\"\"We,\" said the professor of mathematics, \"were wondering how to measure the height of this flag pole.\"The professor of English quickly unscrewed the pole from its moorings, laid it on the ground, whipped out a measuring tape, measured it, and said, \"It is exactly 20 feet long,\" and walked away smoking his pipe.Looking at the English professor's receding back, the professor of physics remarked, \"Smart Ass. We wanted to know the height, and he tells us the length!\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Political", + "output": "Abraham Lincoln was elected to Congress in 1846.John F Kennedy was elected to Congress in 1946.Abraham Lincoln was elected President in 1860.John F. Kennedy was elected President in 1960.The names Lincoln and Kennedy each contain seven letters.Both were particularly concerned with civil rights.Both wives lost their children while living in the White House.Both Presidents were shot on a Friday.Both Presidents were shot in the head.Lincoln's secretary was named Kennedy.Kennedy's secretary was named Lincoln.Both were assassinated by Southerners.Both were succeeded by Southerners.Both successors were named Johnson.Andrew Johnson, who succeeded Lincoln, was born in 1808.Lyndon Johnson, who succeeded Kennedy, was born in 1908.John Wilkes Booth, who assassinated Lincoln, was born in 1839.Lee Harvey Oswald, who assassinated Kennedy, was born in 1939.Both assassins were known by their three names.Both names are composed of fifteen letters.Lincoln was shot at the theater named 'Kennedy.'Kennedy was shot in a car called 'Lincoln.'Booth ran from the theater and was caught in a warehouse.Oswald ran from a warehouse and was caught in a theater.Booth and Oswald were assassinated before their trials.And here's the kicker...A week before Lincoln was shot, he was in Monroe, Maryland.A week before Kennedy was shot, he was with Marilyn Monroe." + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Heaven and Hell", + "output": "A little girl came to a pregnent lady, and while pointing to her stomach asked : \"What's that?\"The lady proudly replied: \"That's my little baby and I love him very much!\"The little girl then said: \"If you love him that much, then why the hell did you eat him?\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Miscellaneous", + "output": "A man came down with the flu and was forced to stay home one day. He was glad for the interlude, because it taught him how much his wife loved him.She was so thrilled to have him around, that when a delivery man or the mailman arrived, she ran out and yelled, \"My husband's home! My husband's home!\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Family, Parents", + "output": "A worried Father asked his daughter if her latest beau was serious about their relationship.\"I'll say he is Daddy.\" responded the girl.\"Just last nite he asked me how much you make, what kind of meals Mom serves and if you two are easy to get along with.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Animals", + "output": "Mrs. Biddle was walking down the street one day carrying a small box with holes punched in the top.\"What's in that box?\" Mrs. Riddle asked.\"A cat,\" Mrs. Biddle answered.\"What for?\"\"I've been dreaming about mice at night, and I'm scared of mice. The cat is to catch them.\"\"But the mice you dream about are imaginary,\" said Mrs. Riddle.Mrs. Biddle turned to her friend and whispered, \"So is the cat.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Miscellaneous", + "output": "An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn.When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more. The bartender approaches and tells him, \"You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it; it would taste better if you bought one at a time.\"The Irishman replies, \"Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in America, the other in Australia, and I'm here in Dublin. When we all left home, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together. So I drinks one for each o' me brothers and one for me self.\"The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.The Irishman becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way: He orders three pints and drinks them in turn.One day, he comes in and orders two pints.All the other regulars take notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, \"I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your great loss.\"The Irishman looks confused for a moment, then a light dawns in his eye and he laughs.\"Oh, no. Everyone's fine,\" He explains, \"It's just that I joined the Mormon Church and I had to quit drinking.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Farmers", + "output": "Farmer John was taking his cow and it's new born calf to sell in the auction. On the way farmer John got robbed by thieves, who beat him up, stripped him of his clothes and tied him to a tree. Then taking the mother cow and John's clothes, the thieves escaped. They, however left the new born calf behind.Poor farmer John suffered as for two days, he stood tied to a tree, stark naked and hungry. Fortunately, on the third day, some neighbors happened to pass by. They recognized John and untied him. When they did, farmer John picked up a huge stick and started bashing the calf with it.\"Why are you thrashing the poor calf?, his neighbors asked? To which farmer John replied, \"I had to tell this beast for the past two days repeatedly that I am not your mother!, I am not your mother .......!!!\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Miscellaneous", + "output": "One day a man came home from work and he was greeted by his wife. She told that she has good news and that she had bad news. He said \"Well, give me the good news first.\" She said \"The good news is that the air bag works.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Miscellaneous", + "output": "A man comes home after a heavy night's drinking. His wife won't open the door for him, so he starts hammering on it. She still won't let him in, so he starts shouting. The neighbors are starting to notice, so in an attempt to embarrass her, he starts singing at the top of his voice: \"I had her before she was married, I had her before she was married!\" The top window immediately flies open, and his wife responds \"And so did half the damn football team!\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Heaven and Hell", + "output": "The Reverend Francis Norton woke up Sunday morning and realizing it was an exceptionally beautiful and sunny early spring day, decided he just had to play golf. So... he told the Associate Pastor that he was feeling sick and convinced him to say Mass for him that day.As soon as the Associate Pastor left the room, Father Norton headed out of town to a golf course about forty miles away. This way he knew he wouldn't accidentally meet anyone he knew from his parish. Setting up on the first tee, he was alone. After all, it was Sunday morning and everyone else was in church!At about this time, Saint Peter leaned over to the Lord while looking down from the heavens and exclaimed, \"You're not going to let him get away with this, are you?\"The Lord sighed, and said, \"No, I guess not.\"Just then Father Norton hit the ball and it shot straight towards the pin, dropping just short of it, rolled up and fell into the hole. It WAS A 420 YARD HOLE IN ONE!St. Peter was astonished. He looked at the Lord and asked, \"Why did you let him do that?\"The Lord smiled and replied, \"Who's he going to tell?\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Heaven and Hell", + "output": "A guy stood over his tee shot for what seemed an eternity, looking up, looking down, measuring the distance, figuring the wind direction and speed. Driving his partner nuts.Finally his exasperated partner says, \"What the hell is taking so long? Hit the goddamn ball!\"The guy answers, \"My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse. I want to make this a perfect shot.\"\"Well, hell, man, you don't stand a snowball's chance in hell of hitting her from here!\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Miscellaneous", + "output": "A man walked into a bar with his alligator and asked the bartender, \"Do you serve lawyers here?\".\"Sure do,\" replied the bartender.\"Good,\" said the man. \"Give me a beer, and I'll have a lawyer for my 'gator.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Family, Parents", + "output": "During the Cold War many years ago, a young man would ride his bicycle every day from Italy up to the check-point at the Yugoslav border where he would be questioned by the uniformed border-guard.\"Where are you going today, Capitalist Scumbag?\" asked the guard.\"To visit my mother, Sir.\"\"Step inside. You will be searched\" ordered the guard.The young man was thoroughly searched and released, but the guard remained suspicious.This routine was repeated every day for several years but the border guard, still convinced that the man was a smuggler, could find nothing.Eventually, with the end of the Cold War, the border was opened and the young man would occasionally stop in a tavern on the Yugoslav side.One afternoon, as he sat at the bar, the old border-guard came over and sat down beside him.\"The War is over now\", said the guard \"and I am retired, but I still have nightmares about you. You really were a smuggler, weren't you.\"\"Yes, of course\" replied the young man.\"But what were you smuggling?\"The young man swallowed a mouthful of beer and smiled. \"Bicycles\" he replied." + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Heaven and Hell", + "output": "A drunken man gets on the bus late one night, staggers up the aisle, and sits next to an elderly woman.She looks the man up and down and says, I've got news for you. You're going straight to hell!\" The man jumps up out of his seat and shouts, \"Good heavens, I'm on the wrong bus!\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Miscellaneous", + "output": "Jeff had been standing in hs dark and dank cellar for wellover and hour with his hands gripping a leaky pipe.The water spurtedbetween his fingers.His shoes were getting wetter and wetter.Suddenly he heard his wife's voice calling down the cellar door.\"Honey, you can take your hands off that leak now!\"\"Why,\" yelled Jeff, \"did the plumber finally get here?\"\"No,\" responded his loving wife, \"the house is on fire.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Marriage", + "output": "When met by a long procession of people led by a man with a dog, Joe asked the man: \"Who died?\"\"My Mother in law.\"\"How?\" Joe asked.\"The dog bit her.\"\"Can I borrow the dog?\"\"Get in line.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Money", + "output": "The plumber presented his customer, a lawyer, with a bill charging rates of $500 an hour. The lawyer was outraged, saying \"I don't even make that kind of money - doesn't that seem a bit steep?\" The plumber replied, \"That's what I thought, when I was a lawyer.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Animals", + "output": "After a long day at the office, Chris came home one day to find his dog with the neighbor's pet rabbit in his mouth.The rabbit was obviously dead. Chris panicked!\"If my neighbors find out my dog killed their bunny, they'll hate me forever,\" he thought.So he took the dirty, chewed up rabbit into the house, gave it a bath and blow-dried its fur.Chris knew his neighbors kept their backdoor open during the summer, so he snuck inside and put the bunny back into the cage, hoping his neighbors would think it died of natural causes.A couple of days later Chris and his neighbor saw each other outside.\"Did you hear that Fluffy died?\" the neighbor asked.\"Oh. Uhmm... Sorry to hear that. What happened?\" Chris mumbled.The neighbor replied: \"We just found him dead in his cage one day. But the strange thing is that the day after we buried him, we went out to dinner and someone must have dug him up, gave him a bath and put him back into the cage! There are some really sick people out there!\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Farmers", + "output": "A farmer and his wife went to a fair. The farmer was fascinated by the airplanes and asked a pilot how much a ride would cost.\"$10 for 3 minutes,\" replied the pilot.\"That's too much,\" said the farmer.The pilot thought for a second and then said, \"I'll make you a deal. If you and your wife ride for 3 minutes without uttering a sound, the ride will be free. But if you make a sound, you'll have to pay $10.\"The farmer and his wife agreed and went for a wild ride. After they landed, the pilot said to the farmer, \"I want to congratulate you for not making a sound. You are a brave man.\"\"Maybe so,\" said the farmer, \"But I gotta tell ya, I almost screamed when my wife fell out.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Miscellaneous", + "output": "A Swede, a Norwegian and a Dane are caught in a snowstorm on the side of a mountain. They stumble across a cave and decide to take shelter.On entering they are greeted by an awful stench which, on inspection, turns out to come from a half-dead goat which has taken refuge in the cave.The three of them debate what to do and the Norwegian agrees to go in first. Five minutes later he staggers out sick with nausea and collapses.Then the Dane goes in and, ten minutes later crawls out and expires.Finally the Swede goes in and, fifteen minutes later.. the goat comes out." + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Miscellaneous", + "output": "A gang of robbers broke into a lawyer's club by mistake. The old lawyers gave them a fight for their lives. The gang was very happy to escape.\"It ain't so bad,\" one crook noted. \"We got out with $25 between us.\"\"I warned you to stay clear of lawyers!\" the boss screamed. \"We had over $100 when we broke in!\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Money", + "output": "Three men: a project manager, a software engineer, and a hardware engineer are in Ft. Lauderdale for a two-week period helping out on a project.About midweek they decide to walk up and down the beach during their lunch hour. Halfway up the beach, they stumbled upon a lamp. As they rub the lamp a genie appears and says \"Normally I would grant you 3 wishes, but since there are 3 of you, I will grant you each one wish.\"The hardware engineer went first. \"I would like to spend the rest of my life living in a huge house in St. Thomas, with no money worries and surrounded by beautiful women who worship me.\" The genie granted him his wish and sent him on off to St. Thomas.The software engineer went next. \"I would like to spend the rest of my life living on a huge yacht cruising the Mediterranean, with no money worries and surrounded by beautiful women who worship me.\" The genie granted him his wish and sent him off to the Mediterranean.Last, but not least, it was the project manager's turn. \"And what would your wish be?\" asked the genie. \"I want them both back after lunch\" replied the project manager." + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Business", + "output": "The secretary came in late for work the third day in a row. The boss called her into his office and said, \"Now look Sharon, I know we had a wild fling for a while, but that's over. I expect you to conduct yourself like any other employee around here. Who told you, you could come and go as you please around here?\"Sharon simply smiled, lit up a cigarette, and while exhaling said, \"My lawyer.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Miscellaneous", + "output": "One day Tarzan comes home to the treehouse and says \"Jane.. give me a double Matini\". Jane says \"What is wrong with you -- you don't drink alcohol!\" Tarzan says \"It's a jungle out there!\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Miscellaneous", + "output": "A guy came home to his wife and said to her:\"Guess what?I've found a great job. A 10am start, 2pm finish, no overtime, no weekends and it pays $600 a week in the hand to boot!\"\"That's great,\" his wife said.\"Yeah, it's unreal,\" he agreed.\"You start Monday.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Heaven and Hell", + "output": "Up in heaven there is a white picket fence.On one side stood GOD on the other side stood Satan and a few of his henchmen.The devilshelpers were kicking holes in the fence.GOD said \"if you don't tell them to stop, I'll sue you\".Satan started laughing and replied \"You think you'll find a lawyer on your side of the fence?\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Family, Parents", + "output": "A very successful businessman had a meeting with his new son-in-law. \"I love my daughter, and now I welcome you into the family,\" said the man. \"To show you how much we care for you, I'm making you a 50-50 partner in my business. All you have to do is go to the factory every day and learn the operations.\"The son-in-law interrupted, \"I hate factories. I can't stand the noise.\"\"I see,\" replied the father-in-law. \"Well then you'll work in the office and take charge of some of the operations.\"\"I hate office work,\" said the son-on-law. \"I can't stand being stuck behind a desk all day.\"\"Wait a minute,\" said the father-in-law. \"I just made you half-owner of a moneymaking organization, but you don't like factories and won't work in a office. What am I going to do with you?\"\"Easy,\" said the young man. \"Buy me out.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Money", + "output": "A mine owner is looking for new guys to do some necessary jobs, so he advertised and 3 guys turned up.One is a big muscular irish guy, the other is an italian guy and the last one is japanese.The owner tells the irish guy that he will be in charge of the mining because he is strong, the italian will be in charge of the money and the Japanese because he is good with numbers will be in charge of the supplies.In the next morning everybody is coming to work and someone is counting the people going into the mine... 200 people.Everything goes well and at the end of the day they do not wanna leave anybody in the mine so they count the people who go out... 199.They went back to look for the last one. They were looking for a few hours and then just before they were about to leave the japanese jumped from behind the rock shouting: \"SUPPLIES! SUPPLIES!\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Heaven and Hell", + "output": "When Mother Theresa died she went to Heaven. For a week or two she was fully satisfied that she had to eat only fruits and vegetables, but then one day complained to St.Peter and asked for some cooked meal. - My Dear, - said St.Peter, - and who is going to cook every day for just the three of us?!This Preacher's son asks his father,\"Dad, can I have a car?\" The preacher replies,\", I will get you a car IF you get a haircut.\" Then his son says,\"Dad, Jesus had long hair.\" \"Yeah but he walked everywhere.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Miscellaneous", + "output": "Before going to Europe on business, a man drove his Rolls Royce to a downtown NY City bank and went in to ask for an immediate loan of $5,000. The loan officer was quite taken a back, and requested collateral. \"Well, then, here are the keys to my Rolls-Royce\", the man said. The loan officer promptly had the car driven into the bank's underground parking for safekeeping, and gave him $5,000.Two weeks later, the man walked through the bank's doors, and asked to settle up his loan and get his car back. The loan officer checked the records and told him, \"That will be $5,000 in principal, and $15.40 in interest.\" The man wrote out a check, thanked the loan officer, and started to walk away.\"Wait sir,\" the loan officer said, \"while you were gone, I found out you are a millionaire. Why in the world would you need to borrow?The man smiled. \"Where else could I securely park my Rolls-Royce in Manhattan for two weeks and pay only $15.40?\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Miscellaneous", + "output": "Flying to Los Angeles from San Francisco the other day, a passenger noticed that the \"Fasten Seat Belts\" sign was kept lit during the whole journey although the flight was a particularly smooth one.Just before landing, he asked the stewardess about it.\"Well,\" explained the girl, \"up front there are 17 University of California girls going to Los Angeles for the weekend.In back, there are 25 Coast Guard enlistees.What would you do?\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Miscellaneous", + "output": "Four guys were out on the golf course. As one of them was teeing off at the 10th hole, which was next to the highway, they saw a funeral precession go by.Instead of teeing off, the guy removed his cap and placed it on his chest until the funeral had passed.At this point, one of the other three said, \"You know, that was the most touching thing I've ever seen.\"And the guy answers, \"Well, I was married to her for 15 years. It was the least I could do!\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Miscellaneous", + "output": "A building contractor was being paid by the week for a job that was likely to stretch over several months. He approached the owner of the property and held up the check he'd been given.\"This is two hundred dollars less than we agreed on,\" he said.\"I know,\" the owner said. \"But last week I overpaid you two hundred dollars, and you never complained.\"The contractor said. \"Well, I don't mind an occasional mistake. But when it gets to be a habit, I feel I have to call it to your attention.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Miscellaneous", + "output": "Cousin Elly is the world's worst at getting instructions mixed up. When she got married her husband bought her one of those fancy, electric coffee makers. It had all the latest gadgets on it. Salesman Riley carefully explained how everything worked; how to plug it in, set the timer, go back to bed, and upon rising, the coffee is ready.\"A few weeks later Elly was back in the store and Riley asked her how she liked the coffee maker.\"Wonderful!\" she replied, \"However, there's one thing I don't understand. Why do I have to go to bed every time I want to make a pot of coffee?\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Miscellaneous", + "output": "The following is a status report from a business unit to their Y2K coordinator.\"Our staff has completed the 3 years of work on time and on budget. We have gone through every line of code in every program in every system.We have analyzed all databases, all data files, including backups and historic archives, and modified all data to reflect the change.We are proud to report that we have completed the \"Y-to-K\" date change mission, and have now implemented all changes to all programs and all data to reflect the following new standards:Januark, Februark, March, April, Mak, June, Julk, August, September, October, November, Decemberand:Sundak, Mondak, Tuesdak, Wednesdak Thursdak, Fridak, SaturdakI trust that this is satisfactory, because to be honest, none of this Y to K problem has made any sense to me. But I understand it is a global problem, and our team is glad to help in any way possible.And what does the year 2000 have to do with it? Speaking of which, what do you think we ought to do next year when the two digit year rolls over from 99 to 00? We'll await your direction.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Miscellaneous", + "output": "Q: Why do the Spice Girls work 7 days a week?A: So you don't have to retrain them on Mondays.Q: How do you get a Spice Girl's eyes to twinkle?A: Shine a torch in her ear.Q: What do you call a Spice Girl with two brain cells?A: Pregnant." + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Miscellaneous", + "output": "Waitress walks up to a man and says \"Hi, May I take your order please?\" The man replies, \"Yes, can I get the turtle soup please.\"The waitress walks off to go get his order, but the man changes his mind and decides he wants pea soup instead. He calls for the waitress and says, \"Hold the turtle, make it pea!\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Miscellaneous", + "output": "The distinguished professor and his chauffeur were talking one day on the way to the next speaking engagement, and the driver said, \"I've sat in the back and listened to your presentation so many times that I can give it just as well as you can.\"The professor said \"I'll bet you can't. Just to prove it, we'll trade clothes in the hotel, and I'll sit in the back.\"The chauffeur delivered the lecture flawlessly, and the audience applauded him roundly. Then a pompous professor from the local university, wishing to impress his colleagues in the audience, stood and asked a very specific question concerning the driver's presentation.The driver said, \"I am amazed that you would ask such a silly question. The answer is so obvious that I am going to ask my chauffeur, who is sitting in the back, to answer your ridiculous question.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Family, Parents", + "output": "A worried Father asked his daughter if her latest beau was serious about their relationship.\"I'll say he is Daddy.\" responded the girl.\"Just last nite he asked me how much you make, what kind of meals Mom serves and if you two are easy to get along with.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Miscellaneous", + "output": "Three blondes are sitting by the side of a river holding fishing poles with the lines in the water. A Game Warden comes up behind them, taps them on the shoulder and says, \"Excuse me, ladies, I'd like to see your fishing licenses.\"\"We don't have any.\" replied the first blonde. \"Well, if your going to fish, you need fishing licenses.\" said the Game Warden.\"But officer,\" replied the second blonde, \"we aren't fishing. We all have magnets at the end of our lines and we're collecting debris off the bottom of the river.\"The Game Warden lifted up all the lines and, sure enough, there were horseshoe magnets tied on the end of each line. \"Well, I know of no law against it,\" said the Game Warden, \"take all the debris you want.\" And with that, the Game Warden left.As soon as the Game Warden was out of sight, the three blondes started laughing hysterically. \"What a dumb Fish Cop,\" the second blonde said to the other two, \"doesn't he know that there are steelhead in this river?!\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Miscellaneous", + "output": "These two guys, George and Harry, set out in a Hot Air balloon to cross the Atlantic Ocean. After 37 hours in the air, George says \"Harry, we better lose some altitude so we can see where we are\". Harry lets out some of the hot air in the balloon, and the balloon descends to below the cloud cover. George says, \"I still can't tell where we are, lets ask that guy on the ground\". So Harry yells down to the man \"Hey, could you tell us where we are?\". And the man on the ground yells back \"You're in a balloon, 100 feet up in the air\". George turns to Harry and says \"That man must be a lawyer\". AndHarry says \"How can you tell?\". George says \"Because the advice he gave us is 100% accurate, and totally useless\".That's the end of the Joke, but for you people who are still worried about George and Harry: They end up in the drink, and make the front page of the New York Times: \"Balloonists Soaked by Lawyer\"." + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Miscellaneous", + "output": "Q: Why are the Spice Girls on the pill?A: So they can figure out what day it is.Q: What do you call a fly buzzing around inside a Spice Girl's head?A: space invader.Q: What do you call a Spice Girl with half a brain?A: Gifted.Q: What do you see if you look into a Spice Girl's eyes?A: The back of her head." + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Aviation", + "output": "While cruising at 40,000 feet, the airplane shuddered and Mr. Benson looked out the window. \"Good lord!\" he screamed, \"one of the engines just blew up!\" Other passengers left their seats and came running over; suddenly the aircraft was rocked by a second blast as yet another engine exploded on the other side. The passengers were in a panic now, and even the stewardesses couldn't maintain order. Just then, standing tall and smiling confidently, the pilot strode from the cockpit and assured everyone that there was nothing to worry about. His words and his demeanor made most of the passengers feel better, and they sat down as the pilot calmly walked to the door of the aircraft. There, he grabbed several packages from under the seats and began handing them to the flight attendants. Each crew member attached the package to their backs. \"Say,\" spoke up an alert passenger, \"aren't those parachutes?\" The pilot said they were. The passenger went on, \"But I thought you said there was nothing to worry about?\" \"There isn't,\" replied the pilot as a third engine exploded. \"We're going to get help.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Miscellaneous", + "output": "Three construction workers were working on a sky scraper, discussing their lunch.The first construction worker said, \"Ham, ham, ham! All I ever get is a ham sandwich! I'm so sick of ham sandwiches. If I get another ham sandwich tommorrow, I'm gonna jump off this building and kill myself.\"The second construction worker said, \"Turkey, turkey, turkey!! All I ever get is a turkey sandwich! I'm so sick of them! If I get ONE MORE turkey sandwich, I'm gonna kill myself, too!\"The last construction worker said, \"Peanut butter, peanut butter, peanut butter! All I ever get for lunch is a peanut butter sandwich. I'm getting so sick of them! If I get another peanut butter sandwich, I'm going to join you guys and jump off this sky scraper.\"The next day, the first construction worker got a ham sandwich. So he jumped off the building and killed himself.The second construction worker got another turkey sandwich, so he jumped off the building and killed himself. And the third construction worker got a peanut butter sandwich, so he jumped off the building and killed himself, too.At the funeral, the wives were in mourning. The wife of the first construction worker said, \"If only he had told me! I wouldn't have made another ham sandwich.\"The wife of the second construction worker said, \"If only he had told me! I wouldn't have made another turkey sandwich.\"The wife of the third construction worker said, \"I don't know why he jumped. He always made his own sandwiches!\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Heaven and Hell", + "output": "After a lengthy conference with the estranged husband, the lawyer reported to his client. \"Mrs. LaMay, I have succeeded in making a settlement with your husband that is eminently fair to both of you.\"\"Fair to both!\" exploded Mrs. LaMay. \"I could have done that myself. What the hell do you think I hired a lawyer for?\"-*-After examining the contents of the employee suggestion box, the senior partner of the law firm complained, \"I wish they'd be more specific. What kind of kite? What lake?\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Miscellaneous", + "output": "A guy takes his girlfriend to a football game for the first time. After the game he asked how she liked it.\"Oh, I really liked it, but I couldn't understand why they were killing each other for 25 cents.\"\"What do you mean?\"\"Everone kept screaming, \"Get the quarter back! Get the quarter back!\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Animals", + "output": "Top Ten Things To Do During Pet Appreciation Week:1. Lick your dog's face.2. Get your dog a bone and bury it for him.3. Mark your territory by peeing on the couch.4. Bring your cat a dead bird.5. Make a real effort to learn to purr.6. Spend a day with your head stuck in a bird cage.7. Spend quality time with your pet rolling around in something really awful.8. Sniff your neighbor's butt.9. Bite the mailman.10. Eat supper on the floor." + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Money", + "output": "A rather strange guy walked into a shoe store wanting to buy some new alligator shoes. The clerk quoted a price of $250.00.The guy replied, \"This is an outrage. There is no way I will pay that kind of money for a pair of shoes. I can shoot an alligator and get shoes for less than that.\"The clerk answered, \"Well, lady, I think you should do that.\"Later that day, the clerk was driving through the bayou and found the guy standing waist deep in the swamp with a rifle pointed at a huge, mean-looking alligator swimming toward her. She pointed the gun and shot it, then dragged it out of the water.The clerk was surprised to see a good 20 dead alligators lying on their backs. The blonde rolled the alligator over she had just shot and exclaimed, \"DARN! That one isn't wearing shoes either!\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Miscellaneous", + "output": "Q. What's the difference between an aerobics instructor and a well-mannered professional torturer?A. The torturer would apologize first.Q. Why did the aerobics instructor cross the road?A. Someone on the other side could still walk.Q. What do aerobics instructors and people who make bacon have in common?A. They both tear hams into shreds.Q. How many aerobics instructors does it take to change a light bulb?A. Four!...Three!...Two!...One!Q. An ethical lawyer, an honest politician, and a merciful aerobics instructor all fall out of an airplane. Which one hits the ground first?A. It doesn't matter - none of them exist.Q. What do you call an aerobics instructor who doesn't cause pain & agony?A. Unemployed.Q. What's the difference between an aerobics instructor and a dentist?A. A dentist lets you sit down while he hurts you." + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Miscellaneous", + "output": "\"You seem to have more than the average share of intelligence for a man of your background,\" sneered the lawyer at a witness on the stand.\"If I wasn't under oath, I'd return the compliment,\" replied the witness." + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Family, Parents", + "output": "The mother of a problem child was advised by a psychiatrist, \"You are far too upset and worried about your son. I suggest you take tranquilizers regularly.\"On her next visit the psychiatrist asked, \"Have the tranquilizers calmed you down?\"\"Yes\" the mother answered.\"And how is your son now?\" he asked.\"Who cares?\" she replied." + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Miscellaneous", + "output": "Airman Jones was assigned to the induction center, where he advised new recruits about their government benefits, especially their GI insurance.It wasn't long before Captain Smith noticed that Airman Jones had almost a 100% record for insurance sales, which had never happened before.Rather than ask about this, the Captain stood in the back of the room and listened to Jones's sales pitch.Jones explained the basics of the GI Insurance to the new recruits, and then said: \"If you have GI Insurance and go into battle and are killed, the government has to pay $200,000 to your beneficiaries.If you don't have GI insurance, and you go into battle and get killed, the government only has to pay a maximum of $6000.\"\"Now,\" he concluded, \"which bunch do you think they are going to send into battle first?\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Family, Parents", + "output": "One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was tucking her small boy into bed. She was about to turn off thelight when he asked with a tremor in his voice, \"Mommy, willyou sleep with me tonight?\"The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug. \"I can't,dear,\" she said. \"I have to sleep in Daddy's room.\"A long silence was broken at last by his shaky little voice:\"The big sissy.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Heaven and Hell", + "output": "A guy named Joe finds himself in dire trouble. His business started going bust and he found himself in serious financial trouble. He was so desperate that he decided to pray for help.\"Oh Lord, please help me, I've lost my business and if I don't get some money, I'm going to lose my house as well, please let me win the lotto\".Lotto night arrived and somebody else won the prizeJoe again looked up and prayed...\"Oh Lord, please let me win the lotto! I've lost my business, my house and I'm going to lose my car as well\".Again, Lotto night came and went and Joe still had no luck.Once again, he prayed...\"Oh, Lord, why have you forsaken me?? I've lost my business, my house and my car. My wife and children are starving. I don't often ask you for help and I have always been a good servant to you. PLEASE just let me win the lotto this one time so I can get my life back in order ... \"Suddenly there was a blinding flash of light as the heavens opened and Joe was confronted by the voice of the Lord himself:\"JOE, MEET ME HALF WAY ON THIS ONE ... BUY A TICKET!\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Heaven and Hell", + "output": "Catholic MathLittle Tommy was ding very badly in math. His parents had tried everything; flash cards, special learning centers, in short, everything they could think of. Finally in a last dash effort, they took Tommy down and enrolled him in the local Catholic school.After the first day, little Tommy comes home with a very serious look on his face. He doesn't kiss his mother hello. Instead, he goes straight to his room and starts studying. Books and papers are spread out all over the room and little Tommy is hard at work. His mother is amazed.She calls him down to dinner and the her shock, the minute he is done he marches back to his room without a word and in no time he is back hitting the books as hard as before.This goes on for sometime, day after day while the mother tries to understand what made all the difference. Finally, little Tommy brings home his report card. He quietly lays it on the table and goes up to his room and hits the books. With great tredpidation, his mom looks at it and to her surprise, little Tommy got an A in math.She can no longer hold her curiosity. She goes to his room and says, Son, what was it?Was it the nuns?Little Tommy looks at her and shakes his head.Well then, she replies, was it the books, the discipline, the structure, the uniforms, WHAT was it?Little Tommy looks at her and says, Well, on the first day of school, when I saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I knew they wern't fooling around." + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Lawyers", + "output": "Q: What's brown and black and looks good on a lawyer?A: A pitbull.Did you hear about the new dog breed in pet shops? They crossed a pitbull with a collie. First it bites your leg off and then it goes for help." + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Miscellaneous", + "output": "An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%.The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, \"Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again.\"The gentleman replied, \"Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Miscellaneous", + "output": "Her husband had passed on and the new widow was so distraught that she sought out a spiritualist who told her that her husband was just fine.She added further that he was eagerly awaiting a reunion with her.\"Is there anything he needs?\" the distraught woman asked, between tears.The spiritualist went into a transient state, then replied, \"He says he'd love a package of cigarettes.\"\"I'll send a carton immediately,\" the woman said joyfully.\"But did he say where I should send them?\"\"No,\" replied the Seer somberly.\"But he didn't ask for matches.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Heaven and Hell", + "output": "A minister dies and goes to heaven.Before him is a loudmouth man with a loud shirt, chain pants, and a loud hat. Saint Peter asked the guy what he did for a living. He said \"I was the taxi cab driver of moo yawk city. St. Peter hands him a silk robe, and a golden staff.The minister gets up to St. Peter. St. Peter asked the man what he did for a living. He stood up very straight, and spoke in a loud, clear voice \"I am John C. Maxwell, bishop of St. Mary's Church. St. Peter hands him a cotton robe, and a regular staff.\"Why\", asked the bishop. You let that taxi cab driver have a silk robe and golden staff but not me? St. Peter said \"up here we work by results.\"St. Peter said \"While you preached, people slept, while he drove, people prayed.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Family, Parents", + "output": "You Know You're a Mother When ...1. You count the sprinkles on each kid's cupcake to make sure they're equal.2. You have the time to shave only one leg at a time.3. You hide in the bathroom to be alone.4. Your kid throws up and you catch it.5. Some one else's kid throws up at a party. You keep eating.6. You consider finger paints to be a controlled substance.7. You've mastered the art of placing large quanitities of pancakes and eggs on a plate without anything touching.8. Your child insists that you read \"Once Upon a Potty\" out loud in the lobby of Grand Central Station and you do it.9. You cling to the high moral ground on toy weapons, your child chews his toast into the shape of a gun.10. You hope ketchup is a vegetable, since it's the only one your child eats.11. You can't bear the thought of your son's first girlfriend.12. You hate the thought of his wife even more.13. You find yourself cutting your husbands' sandwiches into cute shapes.14. You can't bear to give away baby clothes - it's so final.15. You hear your mother's voice coming out of your mouth when you say, \"NOT in your good clothes!\"16. You stop criticizing the way your mother raised you.17. You donate to charities in the hope that your child won't get that disease.18. You hire a sitter because you haven't been out with your husband in ages, then spend half the night checking on the kids.19. You use your own saliva to clean your child's face.20. You say at least once a day, \"I'm not cut out for this job\", but you know you wouldn't trade it for anything." + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Money", + "output": "One afternoon, a man was riding in the back of his limousine when he saw two men eating grass by the road side. He ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate. \"Why are you eating grass?\", he asked one man.\"We don't have any money for food.\", the poor man replied.\"Oh, come along with me then.\"\"But sir, I have a wife with two children!\"\"Bring them along! And you, come with us too!\", he said to the other man.\"But sir, I have a wife with six children!\" The second man answered.\"Bring them as well!\" They all climbed into the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limo.Once underway, one of the poor fellows says \"Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you.\"The rich man replied \"No, you don't understand, the grass at my home is about two meters tall!\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Miscellaneous", + "output": "An English professor wrote the words, \"Woman without her man is nothing\" on the blackboard and directed his students to punctuate it correctly.The men wrote: \"Woman, without her man, is nothing.\"The women wrote: \"Woman! Without her, man is nothing.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Miscellaneous", + "output": "Two politicians were carrying on a conversation in a restaurant when all of a sudden, one yelled at the other, \"You're lying!\".The other politician responded, \"I know, but hear me out.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Miscellaneous", + "output": "Two avid golfers were sitting in the clubhouse. One said to his friend, \"I'm sorry to hear that your uncle passed away last week. I understand that it was while you two were playing golf. I hear you carried him all the way back to the clubhouse. That must have been very hard for you considering he weighed over two hundred pounds.\"Oh, carrying him wasn't that hard,\" said his friend, sadly. \"The difficult part was putting him down... and then picking him up again after every stroke.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Miscellaneous", + "output": "Bill and Hillary Clinton went out to dinner and when the waiter came to take their order, he asked Hillary how she wanted her steak, she replied, \"medium.\"Then the waiter said, \"how about your vegetable?\"Hillary replied, \"Oh, he can order for himself.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Miscellaneous", + "output": "The European Union commissioners have announced that agreement has been reached to adopt English as the preferred language for European communications, rather than German, which was the other possibility. As part of the negotiations, Her Majesty's Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a five-year phased plan for what will be known as EuroEnglish (Euro for short). In the first year, \"s\" will be used instead of the soft \"c\". Sertainly, sivil servants will resieve this news with joy. Also, the hard \"c\" will be replaced with \"k.\" Not only will this klear up konfusion, but typewriters kan have one less letter.There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the troublesome \"ph\" will be replaced by \"f\". This will make words like \"fotograf\" 20 per sent shorter.In the third year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters, which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of silent \"e\"s in the languag is disgrasful, and they would go.By the fourth year, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing \"th\" by \"z\" and \"W\" by \"V\". During ze fifz year, ze unesesary \"o\" kan be dropd from vords kontaining \"ou\", and similar changes vud of kors; be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters. After zis fifz yer, ve vil hav a reli sensibl riten styl. Zer vil b no mor trubls or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech ozer. Ze drem vil finali kum tru." + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Idiots", + "output": "A priest went to buy a parrot.\"Are you sure it doesn't swear?\" asked the priest.\"Oh absolutely. It's a religious parrot,\" the storekeeper assured him. \"Do you see those strings on his legs? When you pull the right one, he recites the lord's prayer, and when you pull on the left, he recites the 23rd Psalm.\"\"Wonderful!\" said the priest, \"but what happens if you pull both strings?\"\"I'll fall off my friggin' perch, you idiot!\" screeched the parrot." + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Miscellaneous", + "output": "Two college seniors had a week of exams coming up.They decided to party instead.Their biggest exam was on Wednesday and they showed up telling the professor that their car had broken down the night before due to a very flat tire and they needed a bit more time to study. The professor told them that they could have another day to study. That evening, both of the boys crammed all night until they were sure that they knew just about everything.Arriving to class the next morning, each boy was told to go to twoseparate classrooms to take the exam. Each boy just shrugged and went to two different parts of the building.As each sat down, they read the first question.\"For 5 points, explain the contents of an atom.\"At this point, they both thought that this was going to be a piece of cake, and answered the question with ease. Then, the test continued. \"For 95 points, tell me which tire it was.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Police Jokes", + "output": "The Mafia was looking for a new man to make weekly collections from all the private businesses that they were 'protecting'.Feeling the heat from the police force, they decided to use a deaf person for this job. If he were to get caught, he wouldn't be able to communicate to the police what he was doing.Well, on his first week, the deaf collector picks up over $50,000. He gets greedy, decides to keep the money and stashes it in a safe place.The Mafia soon realizes that their collection is late, and sends some of their hoods after the deaf collector. The hoods find the deaf collector and ask him where the money is. The deaf collector can't communicate with them, so the Mafia drags the guy to an interpreter. The Mafia hood says to the interpreter, \"Ask him where the money is.\"The interpreter signs, \"Where's the money?\"The deaf replies, \"I don't know what you're talking about.\" The interpreter tells the hood, \"He says he doesn't know what you're talking about.\"The hood pulls out a large gun and places it in the ear of the deaf collector. \"NOW ask him where the money is.\"The interpreter signs, \"Where is the money?\"The deaf man replies, \"The $50,000 is in Central Park, hidden in the third tree stump on the left from the West 78th Street gate .\"The interpreter says to the hood, \"He says he still doesn't know what you're talking about, and doesn't think you have the guts to pull the trigger.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Family, Parents", + "output": "Bill Clinton falls into a lake and cannot swim and three boys rescue him. Bill tells them \"I'll give you anything you want for saving my life\".So Bill asks the first boy what he wants and the first boy says he wants a Ferrari. Bill says fine.Bill asks the second boy what he wants and the second boy says he wants a brand new computer. Bill says okay.Then Bill asks the third boy what he wants. The third boy says he wants a motorized wheelchair. Bill asks \"Why do want a wheelchair, you look very healthy?\" The third boy says \"I'll need a wheelchair when my father finds out we saved you from drowning\"." + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Old Age", + "output": "For the first time in many years, an old man traveled from his rural town to the city to attend a movie. After buying his ticket, he stopped at the concession stand to purchase some popcorn. Handing the attendant $1.50, he couldn't help but comment, \"The last time I came to the movies, popcorn was only 15 cents.\"\"Well, sir,\" the attendant replied with a grin, \"You're really going to enjoy yourself. We have sound now.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Money", + "output": "A big-city counterfeiter decided the best place to pass off his phony $18 bills would be in some small hick Southern town. So, he got into his new wheels and off he went. He found a tiny town with a single store. He entered the store and handed one of the bogus bills to the man behind the counter. \"Can you change this for me, please?\" he asked. The store clerk looked at the $18 bill a short time, then smiled and told the man, \"Ah reckon so, Mister. Ya want 2 nines or 3 sixes?\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Miscellaneous", + "output": "Two programmers walked along the street. They saw a beautiful blonde not far away and one of them said, \"Too bad that girls has no standard interface.\"\"They have,\" replied the other programmer, \"but there is no standard way to get to it.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Miscellaneous", + "output": "A new business was opening and one of the owner's friends wanted to send him flowers for the occasion. They arrived at the new business site and the owner read the card, \"Rest in Peace\". The owner was angry and called the florist to complain. After he had told the florist of the obvious mistake and how angry he was,the florist replied, \"Sir, I'm really sorry for the mistake, but rather than getting angry, you should imagine this: somewhere there is a funeral taking place today, and they have flowers with a note saying, 'Congratulations on your new location'\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Miscellaneous", + "output": "Bill & Hillary Clinton host a large bipartisan dinner party in their personal residence quarters at the White House, including a number of current and former members of Congress, former Presidents Carter, Ford and Bush, along with former Vice Presidents Mondale and Quayle.After the introductory speeches during dinner, Vice President Dan Quayle excused himself to use the bathroom, one adjacent to the First Family's. After a couple of minutes, he returns to his seat, looking rather smug, but says nothing to his wife at the time.After the dinner, as the Quayles returned home, Dan turned to Marilyn and said, \"Did you know Bill has a solid-gold urinal in his bathroom? How can he pretend to be serious about cutting the budget after buying that?\"Marilyn's initial look of shock turns to a a sly grin as she turns to her husband and says, \"We've really caught him with his pants down this time! As soon as we get home, why don't you call up the paper and give them a little 'insider' information, dear?\"\"That's an excellent idea, Marilyn!\" says Dan to his lovely wife. \"You know, sometimes you're just too smart,\" as he leans over to hug and give his wife a quick kiss on the cheek.The following morning, after the morning editions of the papers have been delivered to the White House residence, Hillary Clinton opens the newspaper over breakfast only to see a bold headline stating \"CLINTONS SPLURGE ON SOLID GOLD URINAL SAYS QUAYLE\" Shaking her head, Hillary smirks and shouts up to the bedroom, \"Bill! I think I know who peed in your Saxophone!\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Miscellaneous", + "output": "Top Ten Reasons Why It's Great To Be A Dog1. If it itches, you can reach it.And no matter where it itches, no one will be offended if you scratch it in public.2. No one notices if you have hair growing in weird places as you get older.3. Personal hygiene is a blast: No one expects you to take a bath every day, and you don't even have to comb your own hair.4. Having a wet nose is considered a sign of good health.5. No one thinks less of you for passing gas. Some people might actually think you're cute.6. Who needs a big home entertainment system? A bone or an old shoe can entertain you for hours.7. You can spend hours just smelling stuff.8. No one ever expects you to pay for lunch or dinner. You never have to worry about table manners, and if you gain weight, it's someone else's fault.9. It doesn't take much to make you happy. You're always excited to see the same old people. All they have to do is leave the room for five minutes and come back.10. Every garbage can looks like a cold buffet to you." + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Miscellaneous", + "output": "In the men's room at work, the Boss had placed a sign directly above the sink. It had a single word on it -- \"Think!\"The next day, when he went to the men's room, he looked at the sign and right below, immediately above the soap dispenser, someone had carefully lettered another sign which read -- \"Thoap!\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Holidays", + "output": "Joe and Frank were in the office, and noticed that someone had put up a suggestion box with some 3x5 cards next to it. Both decided that this was a great idea, and each took a card to fill out.Joe wrote, \"The office workers should all be given raises!\"When he looked at Frank's card, it said \"Can we all have raises, and keys to the executive washroom, and personal secretaries, and new company cars, and new coffee cups, and longer lunch breaks, and an extra three weeks vacation each year, and a holiday on St. Patrick's Day, and Columbus Day and Martin Luther King's Birthday?\"Joe said, \"Frank, that isn't the right way of getting things changed around here. . . . You shouldn't put all of your begs in one ask-it.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Religious", + "output": "Prime Minister Netanyahu and the Pope have a meeting to explore ways of finding an equitable settlement to the escalating problems in the Middle East.After days of getting nowhere, they decide in desperation to settle their differences by means of a golf match. The agreement is that if the Vatican's player wins, the Pope's views will prevail; if Israel's player wins, Netanyahu's methods will be employed.The Pope decides to recruit Arnold Palmer for the job, but his advisors object that Palmer isn't even a Catholic. \"Not to worry,\" says the Pope. \"We'll make him a Cardinal.\" Palmer is promptly ordained.The match is played, with the entire world aware that the fate of peace in the Middle East is riding on the outcome. Palmer loses.The Pope phones him after the match and gasps in disbelief, \"Arnold, what happened?? We were sure you couldn't possibly lose!\"Palmer replies, \"So was I, Father I'm devastated. I trained for weeks to prepare for this match. But who could know I'd be up against Rabbi Tiger Woods?\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Religious", + "output": "The Chief Rabbi of Israel and the Pope are in a meeting in Rome.The Rabbi notices an unusually fancy phone on a side table in the Pope's private chambers.\"What is that phone for?\" he asks the pontiff.\"It's my direct line to the Lord!\"The Rabbi is skeptical, and the Pope notices. The Holy Father insists that the Rabbi try it out, and, indeed, he is connected to the Lord.The Rabbi holds a lengthy discussion with Him.After hanging up the Rabbi says. \"Thank you very much. This is great!But listen, I want to pay for my phone charges.\" The Pope, of courserefuses, but the Rabbi is steadfast and finally, the pontiff gives in.He checks the counter on the phone and says:\"All right! The charges were 100,000 Lira.\"The Chief Rabbi gladly hands over a packet of bills.A few months later, the Pope is in Jerusalem on an official \"visit\".In the Chief Rabbi's chambers he sees a phone identical to his and learns it also is a direct line to the Lord.The Pope remembers he has an urgent matter that requires divineconsultation and asks if he can use the Rabbi's phone.The Rabbi gladly agrees, hands him the phone, and the Pope chats away.After hanging up, the Pope offers to pay for the phone charges.The Rabbi looks on the phone counter and says: \"1 Shekel 50!\"The Pope looks surprised: \"Why so cheap!\"The Rabbi smiles: \"Local call.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Religious", + "output": "Three women were talking about their sons.One woman said that her son is a priest and every time he walks into a room people bow their head and say \"Father\".The second woman said that HER son was a cardinal and every time he walked into a room people bowed their head and said \"your Grace\".The third woman was silent. The other two women looked at her and said, \"what about your son?\"The woman replied, \"He's about six foot four, has blonde hair, and blue eyes. Every time he walks into a room people look up and say \"Oh my God!\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Miscellaneous", + "output": "The professors of mathematics and physics were staring away at the flag pole in front of the front of the college building.The professor of English walking by asked, \"What seems to be the problem?\"\"We,\" said the professor of mathematics, \"were wondering how to measure the height of this flag pole.\"The professor of English quickly unscrewed the pole from its moorings, laid it on the ground, whipped out a measuring tape, measured it, and said, \"It is exactly 20 feet long,\" and walked away smoking his pipe.Looking at the English professor's receding back, the professor of physics remarked, \"Smart Ass. We wanted to know the height, and he tells us the length!\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Family, Parents", + "output": "A woman and her little girl were visitng the grave of the little girl's grandmother.On their way through the cemetary back to the car, the little girl asked, \"Mommy, do they ever bury two people in the same grave?\"\"Of course not, dear.\" replied the mother, \"Why would you think that?\"\"The tombstone back there said 'Here lies a lawyer and an honest man.'\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Miscellaneous", + "output": "Two church members were going door to door, and knocked on the door of a woman who was not happy to see them. She told them in no uncertain terms that she did not want to hear their message and slammed the door in their faces.To her surprise, however, the door did not close and, in fact, bounced back open. She tried again, really put her back into it, and slammed the door again with the same result -- the door bounced back open.Convinced these rude young people were sticking their foot in the door, she reared back to give it a slam that would teach them a lesson, when one of them said: \"Ma'am, before you do that again you need to move your cat.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Miscellaneous", + "output": "An attorney was on his deathbed in the hospital.When a friend came to visit, he found the lawyer frantically leafing through the Bible.\"What are you doing?\" the visitor asked.The sick lawyer replied, \"Looking for loopholes.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Heaven and Hell", + "output": "Political pick-up lines10. \"I see the flat tax wouldn't apply to you.\"9. \"Inflation isn't the only thing going up around here.\"8. \"I'd like you to exercise my pocket veto.\"7. \"Could you give my voting lever a little pull?\"6. \"I said I wanted to keep the government out of the bedroom, but I didn't mean this senator.\"5. \"Hello, my name is Sen. Bob Packwood....\"4. \"...and have you met my friend Sen. Ted Kennedy?\"3. \"Would you like to import some fine foriegn salami?\"2. \"Do you wanna go stuff the ballot box?\"1. \"I've got an economic stimulus package right here in my pants...er, uh, pocket.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Money", + "output": "A mine owner is looking for new guys to do some necessary jobs, so he advertised and 3 guys turned up.One is a big muscular irish guy, the other is an italian guy and the last one is japanese.The owner tells the irish guy that he will be in charge of the mining because he is strong, the italian will be in charge of the money and the Japanese because he is good with numbers will be in charge of the supplies.In the next morning everybody is coming to work and someone is counting the people going into the mine... 200 people.Everything goes well and at the end of the day they do not wanna leave anybody in the mine so they count the people who go out... 199.They went back to look for the last one. They were looking for a few hours and then just before they were about to leave the japanese jumped from behind the rock shouting: \"SUPPLIES! SUPPLIES!\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Miscellaneous", + "output": "A market researcher called at a house and his knock was answered by a young woman with three small children running around her. He asked her if she minded replying to his questions and when she agreed, he asked her if she knew his company, Cheeseborough-Ponds.When she said no, he mentioned that among their many products was Vaseline and she certainly knew of that product. When asked if she used it, the answer was \"yes.\" Asked how she used it she said, \"To assist my husband and I in conjugal matters.\"The interviewer was amazed. He said, \"I always ask that question because everyone uses our product and they always say they use it for the child's bicycle chain, or the gate hinge; but I know that most use it for conjugal matters. Since you've been so frank, could you tell me exactly how you use it?\"\"Yes, we put it on the doorknob to keep the kids out.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Miscellaneous", + "output": "Q: What do you do if a Spice Girl throws a grenade at you?A: Take the pin out and throw it back.Q: Why did the Spice Girls climb up to the roof of the bar?A: They heard that the drinks were on the house.Q: What's the difference between an intelligent Spice Girl and a UFO?A: Don't know, I haven't seen either.Q: What do you call the Spice Girls after they have been put in the toaster?A: Pop Tarts." + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Heaven and Hell", + "output": "After a lengthy conference with the estranged husband, the lawyer reported to his client. \"Mrs. LaMay, I have succeeded in making a settlement with your husband that is eminently fair to both of you.\"\"Fair to both!\" exploded Mrs. LaMay. \"I could have done that myself. What the hell do you think I hired a lawyer for?\"-*-After examining the contents of the employee suggestion box, the senior partner of the law firm complained, \"I wish they'd be more specific.What kind of kite?What lake?\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Holidays", + "output": "Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources person asked the hot-shot young Engineer, fresh out of MIT, \"And what starting salary were you looking for?\"The engineer cooly said, \"In the neighborhood of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package.\"The interviewer said, \"Well, what would you say to a package of 5 weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every 2 years - for starters, say, a red Corvette?\"The engineer tried to control his excitement, but sat straight up and said, \"Wow! Are you kidding?\" .\"Yeah,\" the interviewer shrugged, \"But you started it.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Heaven and Hell", + "output": "There was this man that had difficulty making descisions:1. His parents asked him whether he wanted to go to public or private school. He decided to go private school...and hated it.2. On to college: Harvard or Yale? Harvard or Yale? He became a Yalie...and hated it.3. He thought about getting married: Blonde or Rehead? etc. Finally decided on the redhead...it was terrible, and ended in divorce.4. He has to travel across country on business: Which airline? American or TWA? He chooses American. Somewhere over Nebraska, the engines fall off, the pilot announces that they are going down. The man who hates decisions begins to pray: \"Saint Francis...save me!\"A voice comes from heaven: \"Saint Francis of Assisi or St. Francis Xavier?\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Religious", + "output": "One Sunday morning, the priest noticed that little Anthony was staring up at the large plaque that hung in the foyer of the church.The plaque was covered with names, and small American flags were mounted on either side of it. The ten year old boy had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the priest walked up, stood beside the boy, and said quietly, \"Good morning Anthony.\"\"Good morning father,\" replied the young man, still focused on the plaque.\"Father Murphy, what is this?\" Anthony asked.\"Well, son, its a memorial to all the young men and women who died in the service.\"Soberly they stood together, staring at the large plaque.Little Anthony's voice was barely audible when he asked, \"Which service, the 9:00 or the 10:30?\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Idiots", + "output": "There was this guy who worked with a help desk for a big Broadcasting company. One day, this lady called in because she didn't know why her computer wouldn't come on.He then asked her, \"Did you plug it in?\" She says \"Yes.\" He then asked her, \"Did you turn in on?\" She said \"Yes. What do you think I am? Some kind of idiot?\"So, he goes and takes a look at her computer. She goes, \"See? I plugged the computer into the surge protector.\"The guy goes, \"Yea, but you plugged the surge protector into itself.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Religious", + "output": "One hot day, three preachers (one Caotholic, one Baptist, and one a Jewish Rabbi) were on a walk. They came to this clear stream, and the Caotholic Priest said, \"I really would like to go swimming.\" The Baptist minister and Jewish Rabbi agreed, so they stripped down and went skinny dipping.So, they're swimming, and the water felt nice to them. Then, they see three women walking along. The Catholic priest sees them and says, \"Oh no! Here comes a woman from my parish!\"The Baptist minister looks up and says, \"Oh no, I recognize one of them, too!\" The Rabbi looks up, and says, \"Oh no! One of them is in my parish, too! Let's get out of here before they recognixe us!The Catholic and Baptist preachers hop out, run to their clothes, put on their pants and run away. The Rabbi watches this, then jumps out, picks up his clothes and runs to join the other 2 preachers. The two preachers look at the Rabbi, and ask, \"Why did you do that?\" The Rabbi answers, \"People in my parish would recognize my face!\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Heaven and Hell", + "output": "There were two old men who had loved baseball all of their life. They had grown up in the same town where they played together thru grade school, high school and then college. After college they didn't have the skill for professional ball so they learned to be umpires in order to stay around the game. They started in the minors and being very good umpires soon moved on to the majors where they umpired for many years. After they retired, they continued to umpire for youth ball like little league.However, as they grew older and older, they started to worry about what it would be like after they died. Would there be baseball after death?Finaly they made a pact. The first one to die would, if at all possible, come back immediately and tell the other about baseball after death.Finaly Joe died and went to Heaven. After much argument he convinced St. Peter to let him return in a dream to his friend Fred and this conversation ensued:Joe: \"Fred, I made it to heaven and I have both good news and bad news\"Fred: \"Well, what is the good news\"Joe: \"We don't have to worry about baseball any more. There is all kinds up here. We can umpire from sand lot ball to the major leagues. In fact I have 3rd base tomorrow night\"Fred: \"THAT'S GREAT!! What could possibly be bad news after that?\"Joe: \"You have the plate!\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Miscellaneous", + "output": "A woman had been married three times and was still a virgin. Somebody asked her how that could be possible.\"Well,\" she said. \"The first time I married an octogenarian and he died before we could consummate the marriage.\"\"The second time I married a naval officer and war broke out on our wedding day.\"\"The third time I married a Microsoft Windows programmer and he just sat on the edge of the bed and kept telling me how good it was going to be.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Heaven and Hell", + "output": "Bill Gates dies. Goes to St. Peter. St. Peter says, \"we don't know where to send you. You've been both good and bad. So, we decided to let you decide between heaven and hell.\" Gates says, \"can I preview them first?\" St. Peter allows a preview, and off they go to hell. In hell, they are on a beach with lots of bikini clad women. Gates likes this. Then off to heaven. There, the angels are lying on clouds playing thier harps. Gates tells St. Peter, \"This is nice, but a little dull. I liked hell better. Can I go to hell?\" St. Peter agrees and sends him back down to hell.Three weeks later, St. Peter decides to go check on Gates. When he arrives in hell, there is Bill Gates tied to a stake, surrounded by fire, and being wiped and beaten by angry people. Gates yells to St. Peter, \"Help me. Help me. Where are the bikini clad women?This is not what I wanted.\" St. Peter replies, \"Oh, that was the screen saver.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Miscellaneous", + "output": "Q: How can you tell when a lawyer is lying?A: When he opens his mouth.Q: What is the difference between a lawyer and a shark?A1: The shark leaves it's own species alone.A2: The shark has standards.Q: What is the difference between a lawyer and a vampire?A: One is a mean spirited vicious blood sucking basted feeding of it's helplesspray until it has drained them dry. The other is hungry.Q: Why are lawyers buried 20 feet down?A: Because deep, deep down they really are decent people." + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Miscellaneous", + "output": "An elderly lady from a remote interior village went to one of Philadelphia's most fashionable suburbs to visit her niece and husband. Nearby was a very well known golf course.On the second afternoon of her visit, the elderly lady went for a stroll. Upon her return, the young niece asked, \"Well, Auntie, did you enjoy yourself?\"\"Oh, yes, indeed,\" said Auntie, beaming. \"Before I had walked very far, I came to some beautiful rolling fields. There seemed to be a number of people about, mostly men. Some of them kept shouting at me in a very eccentric manner, but I took no notice. There were four men who followed me for some time, uttering curious excited barking sounds. Naturally, I ignored them, too. Oh, by the way,\" she added, as she held out her hands, \"I found a number of these curious little round white balls, so I picked them all up and brought them home hoping you could explain what they're all about.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Miscellaneous", + "output": "A man went camping in the woods by himself.He awoke early in the morning to hear a strange growling sound. He looked out to see a bear. He immediately began to run as fast as he could.The bear was gaining on him and he finally gave up hope, fell on his knees and said \"Oh God, please let this be a Christian bear!\"He turned to see the bear on his knees saying \"Lord bless this food I am about to recieve...\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Miscellaneous", + "output": "Two hunters were hunting deer when one accidently shot his friend. At the hospital the shooter asked the doctor if his friend would be ok. \"Well, he WOULD have been if you hadn't gutted him.\"Two hunters shot a deer, and were dragging him to the car by the hind leg, which was difficult because the other legs kept snagging in the brush. \"Chet, I've got an idea, I think we are doing this wrong. Let's try dragging him by the horns, like we were advised by the ammo store salesman.\" \"OK,\" says Ivan. After a while, Ivan says, \"I think this is a lot better because his legs fold up and don't get caught in the brush, but we seem to be getting farther from the car.\"A hunter just tagged his deer as the game warden walked up. \"Where's your license,\" asked the warden. \"Don't know,\" said the hunter. \"OK, you're under arrest for no license. Follow me to the road, and help me drag the deer,\" said the warden. \"No way,\" said the hunter. \"You drag it.\" Two hours later, after the warden had dragged the deer to the road, the hunter remembered which pocket held the license." + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Heaven and Hell", + "output": "Three men languished in Purgatory.After a while, they began talking to one another.Eventually, they got around to the age-old question asked by internees everywhere: \"Whaddya in for?\"The first man sighed, rolled his eyes heavenward and said \"Allah forgive me!I am a Moslem, and I once drank beer with my lunch.\"The second man looked ruefully at his bound hands and said \"May the Master of the Universe be truly merciful!I am a Jew, and I had a ham-and-cheese sandwich for lunch.\"The third guy remained quiet for some time, staring at the floor in abject misery.The other two prompted him gently, and finally resorted to shaking him, shouting \"Come on man!What did you do that was so awful?\"The third guy, choking back a sob, said \"I guess I may as well tell you guys... you've been so honest with me.I'm an Episcopalian and, God help me, I used the wrong fork!\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Miscellaneous", + "output": "Proposed slogans for Holyfield-Tyson III10. The third Gogh around9. Dahmer vs. Psalmer8. The last supper7. Ear-reconcilable differences6. Grazing Bull5. You wanna piece of me?4. Blood, Sweat and Ears3. Lobe's labor lost2. Bite of the century1. Why? Because I lobe it" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Miscellaneous", + "output": "\"What's wrong with your husband?\" the psychiatrist asked.\"He thinks he's a chicken,\" answered the woman.\"How long has he been acting like a chicken?\"\"Three years. We would have come in sooner, but we needed the eggs.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Miscellaneous", + "output": "Two men held up a bank. They cleaned out the cash drawers and then herded the tellers and clerks into the vault.They were getting ready to make their getaway when one of the tellers whispered, \"Hey, buddy, would you do me a favor?\"One of the robbers said, \"What's on your mind, pal?\"\"Would you mind taking the books, too? I'm five thousand short.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Miscellaneous", + "output": "Two psychiatrists were at a convention. As they conversed over a drink, one asked, \"What was your most difficult case?\"The other replied, \"I had a patient who lived in a pure fantasy world. He believed that an uncle in South America was going to die and leave him a fortune. All day long he waited for a letter to arrive from an attorney. He never went out, he never did anything, he merely sat around and waited for this fantasy letter from this fantasy uncle. I worked with this man eight years.\"\"What was the result?\"\"It was an eight year struggle. Every day for eight years, but I finally cured him -- and then that stupid letter arrived!\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Miscellaneous", + "output": "\"Who Done It\"This s a story of four people named Everybody, Somebody, Anybody and Nobody.There was an important job to be done and Everybody was sure that Somebody would do it. Anybody could have done it, but Nobody did it. Somebody got angry about that because it was Everybody's job. Everybody thought Anybody could do it, but Nobody realized that Everybody wouldn't do it. It ended up that Everybody blamed Somebody when Nobody did what Anybody could have done." + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "State Jokes", + "output": "Q. Did you hear about the lawyer from Texas who was so big when he died that they couldn't find a coffin big enough to hold the body?A. They gave him an enema and buried him in a shoebox." + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Miscellaneous", + "output": "Bill Clinton and his wife were on a plane as Bill Clinton throws a $1 bill out of the window.His wife asked him what he did that for.He said \"to make one person happy!\"Then Bill's wife throws a $10 bill out the plane window.\"Why d'cha do that?\"\"To make one person very happy\" she respondsA little annoyed Clinton throws 10 $10bills out the window and says \"Well I made 10 people very happy there, huh!?\"His wife throws a $100 out the window and giggles.\"And what was that for?\"\"To make one person very, very happy\" she says.The pilot was getting very annoyed at them, and takes Bill Clinton by the ankles and throws him out of the window.\"WY'D'YA DO THAT!!!?\" she asks very upset.\"To make EVERYONE happy\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "State Jokes", + "output": "3 young boys were trying to figure out whose dad was the best:The first boy said, \"my dad is so good he can shoot an arrow run after it, get in front of it and catch it in his bare hand.\"The second boy said, \"my dad is so good that he can shoot a gun, run after the bullet, get in front of it and catch it in his bare hand.\"The third boy said, \"I've got you both beat, my dad so good because he works for the state of Florida. He gets off work at 5:00pm and is home by 4:30pm.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Miscellaneous", + "output": "Two men went bear hunting. While one stayed in the cabin, the other went out looking for a bear.He soon found a huge bear, shot at it but only wounded it. The enraged bear charged toward him, he dropped his rifle and started running for the cabin as fast as he could. He ran pretty fast but the bear was just a little faster and gained on him with every step. Just as he reached the open cabin door, he tripped and fell flat. Too close behind to stop, the bear tripped over him and went rolling into the cabin. The man jumped up, closed the cabin door and yelled to his friend inside, \"You skin this one while I go and get another one!\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Miscellaneous", + "output": "After the Great Britain Beer Festival, in London, all the brewery presidents decided to go out for a beer.The guy from Corona sits down and says \"Hey Sen~or, I would like the world's best beer, a Corona.\" The bartender dusts off a bottle from the shelf and gives it to him.The guy from Budweiser says \"I'd like the best beer in the world, give me 'The King Of Beers', a Budweiser.\" The bartender gives him one.The guy from Coors says \"I'd like the only beer made with Rocky Mountain spring water, give me a Coors.\" He gets it.The guy from Guiness sits down and says \"Give me a Coke.\" The bartender is a little taken aback, but gives him what he ordered.The other brewery presidents look over at him and ask \"Why aren't you drinking a Guiness?\" and the Guiness resident replies \"Well, if you guys aren't drinking beer, neither will I.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Miscellaneous", + "output": "A linguistics professor was lecturing to his class one day.\"In English,\" he said, \"A double negative forms a positive. In some languages, though, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, there is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative.\"A voice from the back of the room pipes up, \"Yeah, right...\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Miscellaneous", + "output": "Two programmers walked along the street. They saw a beautiful blonde not far away and one of them said, \"Too bad that girls has no standard interface.\"\"They have,\" replied the other programmer, \"but there is no standard way to get to it.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Miscellaneous", + "output": "In the US, everything that is not prohibited by law is permitted.In Germany, everything that is not permitted by law is prohibited.In Russia, everything is prohibited, even if permitted by law.In France, everything is permitted, even if prohibited by law." + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Farmers", + "output": "A busload of politicians were driving down a country road when, all of a sudden, the bus ran off the road and crashed into a tree in an old farmer's field. The old farmer, after seeing what happened, went over to investigate. He then proceeded to dig a hole and bury the politicians.A few days later, the local sheriff came out, saw the crashed bus and asked the old farmer where all the politicians had gone.The old farmer said he had buried them.The sheriff asked the old farmer, \"Were they ALL dead?\"The old farmer replied, \"Well, some of them said they weren't, but you know how them politicians lie.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "State Jokes", + "output": "While sports fishing off the Florida coast, a tourist capsized his boat. He could swim, but his fear of alligators kept him clinging to the overturned craft. Spotting and old beachcomber standing on the shore, the tourist shouted,\"Are there any gators around here?!\"\"Naw,\" the man hollered back, \"they ain't been around for years!\"\"Feeling safe, the tourist started swimming leisurely toward the shore.About halfway there he asked the guy,\"How'd you get rid of the gators?\"\"We didn't do nothin',\" the beachcomber said.\"The sharks got 'em.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Animals", + "output": "About a decade ago American government realizes that they are to be beaten by other countries in the automotive sector if they don't put their heads together. Then they decide to deploy a council to make a research.The group visits a Japanese car factory and notice something strange. Everywhere in the factory, there are lots of cats wandering around. One of the American group members asks the general manager of the factory about the cats. He replies; -we put a cat into each completed product at nights, then if one is alive next morning, that means there is something wrong with the isolation of that unit, so we unassemble it and fix it. Americans were amazed...Then it was time to see what it was like in Turkey, they came to TOFAS factory for their search. And they were again surprised as they saw cats like they used in Japan and they asked again about the cats. General manager's answer was ; -we put a cat in each completed unit at night, if it the cat is missing in the morning ,it means we have some problem with the isolation of that unit." + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Miscellaneous", + "output": "An attractive woman found herself alone in the elevator with a lawyer. \"I could push this red button, and then give you the best sex of your life,\" she purred. He thought a minute and said, \"I'm sure you could - but what's in it for me?\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Miscellaneous", + "output": "While proudly showing off his new apartment to friends late one night, the drunk led the way to his bedroom where there was a big brass gong.\"What's that big brass gong for?\" one of the guests asked.\"Why, that's my talking clock,\" the man replied.\"How does it work?\" asked one of his friends.\"Watch this,\" the man said, giving it an ear-shattering pound with a hammer.Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screamed, \"Hey a..hole! It's 2 in the f..king morning!\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Heaven and Hell", + "output": "It got crowded in heaven, so, for one day it was decided only to accept people who had really had a bad day on the day they died. St. Peter was standing at the pearly gates and said to the first man, \"Tell me about the day you died.\"The man said, \"Oh, it was awful. I was sure my wife was having an affair, so I came home early to catch her with him. I searched all over the apartment but couldn't find him anywhere. So I went out onto the balcony, we live on the 25th floor, and found this man hanging over the edge by his fingertips. I went inside, got a hammer, and started hitting his hands. He fell, but landed in some bushes. So, I got the refrigerator and pushed it over the balcony and it crushed him. The strain of the act gave me a heart attack, and I died.\"St. Peter couldn't deny that this was a pretty bad day, and since it was a crime of passion, he let the man in.He then asked the next man in line about the day he died. \"Well, sir, it was awful,\" said the second man. \"I was doing aerobics on the balcony of my 26th floor apartement when I twisted my ankle and slipped over the edge. I managed to grab the balcony of the apartment below, but some maniac came out and started pounding on my fingers with a hammer. Luckily I landed in some bushes. But, then the guy dropped a refrigerator on me!\"St. Peter chuckled, let him into heaven and decided he could really start to enjoy this job.\"Tell me about the day you died?\", he said to the third man in line.\"OK, picture this, I'm naked, hiding inside a refrigerator....\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Miscellaneous", + "output": "The distinguished professor and his chauffeur were talking one day on the way to the next speaking engagement, and the driver said, \"I've sat in the back and listened to your presentation so many times that I can give it just as well as you can.\"The professor said \"I'll bet you can't. Just to prove it, we'll trade clothes in the hotel, and I'll sit in the back.\"The chauffeur delivered the lecture flawlessly, and the audience applauded him roundly. Then a pompous professor from the local university, wishing to impress his colleagues in the audience, stood and asked a very specific question concerning the driver's presentation.The driver said, \"I am amazed that you would ask such a silly question. The answer is so obvious that I am going to ask my chauffeur, who is sitting in the back, to answer your ridiculous question.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Miscellaneous", + "output": "A gentleman was sitting at a crowded bar talking with a colleague about a recent legal encounter.\"Lawyer's are jerks\" the man said as he completed his story.His colleague agreed by saying, \"Yeah, lawyers are jerks\".A couple nearby overheard the conversation and the word spread quickly throughout the bar that indeed lawyers are jerks. At the far end of the bar, a well dressed gentleman finally caught wind of the topic of conversation. He stood up slammed his beer down on the counter and proclaimed to the whole bar that he was extremely offended by the conversation and that he would appreciate it if whoever started this would stand up and apologize in front of the entire crowd.The gentleman, who originally claimed, \"lawyers are jerks\", angrily stood up and said, \"You must be an attorney\".The offended gentleman quickly replied, \"No kind sir, I am an jerk.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Heaven and Hell", + "output": "An applicant for life insurance was finding it difficult to fill out the application. \"What's the trouble?\" the salesman asked. The man said that he was reluctant to answer the question about the cause of death of his father. The salesman wanted to know why. With some embarrassment the client explained that his father had been hanged. \"Hanged!\" The salesman pondered for a moment. \"Just write: 'Father was taking part in a public function when the platform gave way.'\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Miscellaneous", + "output": "A married couple was celebrating their 60th wedding anniversary. At the party everybody wanted to know how they managed to stay married so long in this day and age.The husband responded \"When we were first married we came to an agreement.I would make all the major decisions and my wife would make all the minor decisions.And in 60 years of marriage we have never needed to make a major decision.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Miscellaneous", + "output": "Her husband had passed on and the new widow was so distraught that she sought out a spiritualist who told her that her husband was just fine.She added further that he was eagerly awaiting a reunion with her.\"Is there anything he needs ?\" the distraught woman asked,between tears.The spiritualist went into a transient state, then replied,\"He says he'd love a package of cigarettes.\"\"I'll send a carton immediately.\" the woman said joyfully.\"But did he say where I should send them ?\"\"No.\" replied the Seer somberly. \"But he didn't ask for matches.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Computers", + "output": "Staff NoticeWith immediate effect, a toilet policy will be established to provide a more consistent method of accounting for staff, ensuring effective time management and equal treatment for all. On the first day of every month, all staff will be issued 20 toilet trip credits which may be accumulated.The doors to all toilets will be equipped with computer-linked voice recognition devices. Staff must immediately provide management with two voiceprints, one normal and one under stress. Once the employee's toilet trip bank reaches zero, the doors of the toilet will not unlock for the employee's voice until the first of the month.In addition, all cubicles are to be equipped with timed paper-roll extractors. If the toilet is occupied for more than three minutes, an alarm will sound. Thirty seconds later, the roll of toilet paper will retract into the dispenser, the toilet will flush and the door will open automatically. If the toilet remains occupied, your photograph will be taken by a security camera and will appear on the Toilet Offenders Board. Anyone appearing three times will forfeit three months' toilet trip credits. Anyone caught smiling when the photograph is taken will undergo counseling by a clinical psychologist.Be advised that workmen's compensation insurance does not cover any injuries incurred while trying to stop the toilet paper retracting into the dispenser.MANAGEMENT" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Farmers", + "output": "A farmer dies and goes to hell. While down there the Devil notices that a farmer is not suffering like the rest. He checks the gauges and sees that it's 90 degrees and about 80 percent humidity. So the Devil goes over to the farmer and asks why he's so happy. The farmer says, \"I like it here, the temperature is just like plowing my fields in June.\"The Devil isn't happy with the farmer's answer, so he goes over and turns up the temperature to 100 degrees and the humidity to 90 percent.After turning everything up he goes looking for the farmer. He finds him standing around just as happy as can be. The Devil quizzes the farmer again as to why he's so happy. The farmer says, \"This is even better, it's like pulling weeds in the fields during July.\"The Devil, now upset, decides to really make the farmer suffer, so he turns the heat up to 120 degrees and the humidity to 100 percent.Once again, he goes looking for the farmer, and finds him sitting on the floor -- even happier than before! The farmer turns to the Devil and says, \"This is great, it's just like working in the silo with my friends in August.\"The Devil says, \"That's it, I'll get this farmer.\" He goes over and turns the temperature down to 25 degrees and sets the weather control to SNOW. \"Lets see what the farmer has to say about THIS.\"A little while later, the Devil finds the farmer -- only NOW he's jumping up and down for joy and yelling, \"The Packers have finally won the Superbowl!\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Miscellaneous", + "output": "A lawyer is heading home in his limousine when he sees a group of people on the side of the highway. He tells the chauffeur to stop the car, goes over to them, and asks what they're doing.A man says, \"We're poor, homeless, and starving. If we don't eat this grass we'll die of hunger!\"The lawyer says, \"Come with me!\"The man says, \"Please, let me bring my family.\"The lawyer says, \"Sure, the more the merrier!\"So they all pile into the limo. The man asks, \"I hate to ask, since you're being so nice, but where are we going?\"The lawyer says, \"My groundskeeper is off sick. You can eat all the grass you want at my place!\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Miscellaneous", + "output": "Moses, Jesus, and an old guy are playing golf.They come to a hole with a big river running through it. Moses tees off, and the ball lands in the water. He grabs his club, holds it up, and parts the water. He walks down to the water, and chips it out. Jesus is next. He hits the ball and it lands on the water. It doesn't even float, it just sits there. Jesus walks over to the river, walks on it, and chips it off. The old guy tees off. He hits the ball into the water and just stands there. After a moment, he raises his finger. A fish jumps out of the river, spitis it at a bird, who knocks the ball at the hole, but it lands short, so a gopher climbs up out of the hole and whacks it with his hand, and when it lands short again, an earthquake starts and forces the ground up and the ball rolls into the hole. Then everything returns to normal.Moses turns to Jesus and says, \"Man, I hate playing with your dad.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Miscellaneous", + "output": "Coach Walker enters the locker room and eyes one of his players. \"Son, I hate to do this to you. I realize that you're the star of the team, but you're failing your classes and I can't let you play.\"\"Give me a break, coach!\" pleads the jock.\"I'll tell you what - I'll ask you a question, and if you get it right, you can play... what is two plus two?\"The jock counts on his fingers, \"one, two, three,... The answer must be four!\"\"Did you say four?\" asks the excited coach.\"Sure did, Coach!\"As the coach starts to jump and scream in excitement, the other members of the team can be heard begging, \"Gee, come on coach, give him another chance!\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Miscellaneous", + "output": "While driving in Pennsylvania, a family caught up to an Amish carriage.The owner of the carriage obviously had a sense of humor, because attached to the back of the carriage was a hand printed sign . . .\"Energy efficient vehicle. Runs on oats and grass.Caution: Do not step on exhaust.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Miscellaneous", + "output": "It was the end of the school year. The teacher had turned in her grades; there was nothing really for the class to do.All the kids were restless and it was near the end of the day. So the teacher thought of an activity. She said, \"The first ones to answer correctly the questions I ask may leave early today.\" Little Johnny said to himself, \"Good, I'm smart and I want to get outa here.\"The teacher asked, \"Who said 'Four Score and Seven Years Ago'?\" But before Johnny could open his mouth, Susie said, \"Abraham Lincoln?\"The teacher said, \"That's right, Susie. You may go.\" Johnny was mad that Susie had answered first.The teacher asked, \"Who said 'I Have a Dream'?\" But before Johnny could open his mouth, Mary said, \"Martin Luther King!\" The teacher said, \"That's right, Mary. You may go.\" Johnny was even madder than before. Mary had answered first. The teacher asked, \"Who said 'Ask not what your country can do for you'?\" Before Johnny could open his mouth, Nancy piped, \"John Kennedy!\"The teacher said, \"That's right, Nancy. You may go.\" Now Johnny was furious! Nancy had answered first.Then the teacher turned her back, and Johnny muttered, \"I wish these girls would keep their mouths shut!\"The teacher spun around. \"WHO SAID THAT?\" Johnny said, \"BILL CLINTON. CAN I GO NOW?\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Holidays", + "output": "So you want the day off:Let's take a look at what you are asking for....There are 365 days per year available for work. There are 52 weeks per year in which you already have 2 days off per week, leaving 261 days available for work. Since you spend 16 hours each day away from work, you have used up 170 days, leaving only 91 days available. You spend 30 minutes each day on coffee break. That accounts for 23 days each year, leaving only 68 days available. With a one hour lunch period each day, you have used up another 46 days, leaving only 22 days available for work. You normally spend 2 days per year on sick leave. This leaves you only 20 days available for work. We are off for 5 holidays per year, so your available working time is down to 15 days. We generously give you 14 days vacation per year which leaves only 1 day available for work and I'll be Damned if you're going to take that day off!" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Blind Jokes", + "output": "A blind man and his dog go into the supermarket and then the blind man takes his dog by the collar and starts to swing him around over his head, knocking things off the shelves. The manager comes up to the blind man and asks \"excuse me sir, can I help you?\" the blind man answers \"no thanks, I'm just looking around\"." + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Military", + "output": "Two men were boasting to each other about their old Army days.\"Why, my outfit was so well drilled,\" declared one, \"that when they presented arms all you could hear was slap, slap, click.\"\"Very good,\" conceded the other, \"but when my company presented arms you'djust hear slap, slap, jingle.\"\"What was the jingle?\" asked the first. \"Oh,\" replied the other off hand, \"just our medals.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Family, Parents", + "output": "Three successful Jewish brothers compared their wealth by the presents they had recently sent their old mother for her 75th birthday.Shlomo, the oldest, said: \"I built a big mansion for our mother.\"Moishe, the second, said: \"I sent her a Mercedes with a driver.\"Ira, the youngest, said: \"You remember how our mama used to enjoy reading the bible? Now she can't see very well. So I sent her a remarkable parrot that recites the whole bible... Mama just has to name the chapter and verse.\"A few days later a letter arrived from their mother.\"Shlomo,\" she wrote, \"the mansion you built is so huge. I live only in one room, but I have to clean the whole house.\"\"Moishe,\" she wrote, \"I am too old to travel. I stay most of the time at home so I rarely use the Mercedes. And that driver - he's a pain in the tuchas.\"\"But Ira,\" she wrote, \"the chicken was delicious!\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Miscellaneous", + "output": "A couple married forty years were revisiting the same places they went to on their honeymoon. Driving through the secluded countryside, they passed a ranch with a tall deer fence running along the road.The woman said, \"Sweetheart, let's do the same thing we did here forty years ago.\"The guy stopped the car. His wife backed against the fence and they made love like never before.Back in the car, the guy says, \"Darling, you sure never moved like that forty years ago - or any time since that I can remember!\"The woman says, \"Forty years ago that fence wasn't electrified!\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Miscellaneous", + "output": "A man took his wife deer hunting for the first time. After he explained the basics to his wife, he told her the most important piece of information:Whenever you shoot something, make sure to claim it right away or the first person who gets to your kill can claim it as their own, so be quick if we want to have deer meat in the refrigerator!So they departed to their deer boxes and waited for some deer. Minutes later he heard his wife's gun go off. The husband decided to make sure she went to claim her kill instead of giving it away to someone. When he got to his wife she was arguing with another man. When he finally got to his wife the man was shouting waving his hands in the air:Okay! Fine lady this is YOUR deer, but do you mind if I take my saddle off your deer before you take it away?!?!" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Money", + "output": "I was attending church as a visitor several weeks ago and heard the following:\"I have good news, and I have bad news.First, the bad news: we need a new roof.Next, the good news: we have the money to pay for it!(waits for pleased murmurs to recede)Next, more bad news: the money is still in your pockets.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Miscellaneous", + "output": "Q: How can you tell if a lawyer is well hung?A: You can't get a finger between the rope and his neck!Q: If you are stranded on a desert island with Adolph Hitler, Atilla the Hun, and a lawyer, and you have a gun with only two bullets, what do you do?A: Shoot the lawyer twice.Q: What do a lawyer and sperm have in comon?A: They both have a one in a million chance of being human." + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Military", + "output": "General McKenzie was in charge of the Navy, and he was visiting his colleague General Marshall, who was in charge of the Army. McKenzie arrives at the military camp and is greeted by Marshall. They both walk around the place, and McKensie asks: \"So how are your men?\" \"Very well trained, Gral. McKenzie.\" \"I hope so. You see, my men over at the Navy are so well trained, you could see they're the bravest men all over the country.\" \"Well, my men are very brave, too.\" \"I'd like to see that.\" So Marshall calls private Cooper and says: \"Private Johnson! I want you to stop that tank coming here with your body!\" \"Are you crazy? It'd kill me, you idioy! I'm out of here!\" As private Johnson ran away, Marshall turned to a bewildered McKenzie and said: \"You see? You have to be pretty brave to talk like that to a general.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Miscellaneous", + "output": "Two rednecks, Bubba and Earl, were driving down the road drinking alcohol when all of a sudden, the passenger, Bubba, said, \"Lookey thar up ahead, Earl. It's a po-lice roadblock!! We're gonna get busted fer drinkin' these here beers!!\"\"Don't worry, Bubba,\" Earl said. \"We'll just pull over and finish drinkin' these beers, peel off the label and stick it on our foreheads, and throw the bottles under the seat.\"\"What fer?\", asked Bubba.Just let me do the talkin,' OK?\", said Earl. Well, they finished their beers, threw the empty bottles under the seat, and each stuck a label on their forehead.When they reached the roadblock, the sheriff asked, \"You boys been drinkin'?\"\"No, sir,\" said Earl. \"We's on the patch!" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Idiots", + "output": "A man goes skydiving for the first time. After listening to the instructor for what seems like days, he is ready to go.Excited, he jumps out of the airplane. About five seconds later, he pulls the ripcord. Nothing happens.He tries again. Still nothing.He starts to panic, but remembers his back-up chute. He pulls that cord. Nothing happens. He frantically begins pulling both cords, but to no avail.Suddenly, he looks down and he can't believe his eyes. Another man is in the air with him, but this guy is going *up*!Just as the other guy passes by, the skydiver -- by this time scared out of his wits -- yells, \"Hey, do you know anything about skydiving?\"The other guy yells back, \"No! Do you know anything about gas stoves?\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Miscellaneous", + "output": "One day, Clinton called the White House interior decorator into the Oval Office.He was furious and said, \"Chelsea is very upset because she thinks she has the ugliest room in the entire White House; I want something done about it immediately!\"\"Yes Sir, Mr. President,\" the interior decorator replied,\"I'll take those mirrors out right away!\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Animals", + "output": "On her way to work a lady passed a new pet shop. She had a few minutes to spare, so she walked into the store and took a look around. Near the store window she saw a cage with a beautiful red parrot in it. She admired him for a few minutes, when the parrot said to her: \"Hey lady, you are really ugly!“A little upset at the rude parrot, the woman left the store and went to work.Later that day on her way home from the office she saw the same parrot in the window. Again the parrot squawked: \"Hey lady, you arereally ugly!\"Mad at the bird, she rushed home.When she passed the pet store on her way to work the next morning, the parrot said it again: \"Hey lady, you are really ugly!\"Well, the lady was furious! Cursing in a rather unlady-like manner,she stormed into the store and demanded to see the owner. She told him that she was going to sue him and kill the bird if he didn't stop harassing her. The man behind the counter apologized and promised the bird would not say it again.When the lady walked past the store after work the parrot squawked: \"Hey lady...\"She paused and said, \"Yes?\"And the bird said: \"You know.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Miscellaneous", + "output": "Her husband had passed on and the new widow was so distraught that she sought out a spiritualist who told her that her husband was just fine.She added further that he was eagerly awaiting a reunion with her.\"Is there anything he needs ?\" the distraught woman asked,between tears.The spiritualist went into a transient state, then replied,\"He says he'd love a package of cigarettes.\"\"I'll send a carton immediately.\" the woman said joyfully.\"But did he say where I should send them ?\"\"No.\" replied the Seer somberly. \"But he didn't ask for matches.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Miscellaneous", + "output": "The CIA loses track of one of its operatives, and so calls in one of their top spy hunters. The CIA boss says, \"All I can tell you is that his name is Murphy and that he's somewhere in Ireland. If you think you've located him, tell him the code words, 'The weather forecast calls for mist in the morning.' If it's really him, he'll answer, 'Yes, and for mist at noon as well.'\"So the spy hunter goes to Ireland and stops in a bar in one of the small towns. He says to the bartender, \"Maybe you can help me. I'm looking for a guy named Murphy.\"The bartender replies, \"You're going to have to be more specific because, around here, there are lots of guys named Murphy. There's Murphy the Baker, who runs the pastry shop on the next block. There's Murphy the Banker, who's president of our local savings bank. There's Murphy the Blacksmith, who works at the stables. And, as a matter of fact, my name is Murphy, too.\"Hearing this, the spy hunter figures he might as well try the code words on bartender, so he says, \"The weather forecast calls for mist in the morning.\"The bartender replies, \"Oh, you're looking for Murphy the Spy. He lives right down the street.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Miscellaneous", + "output": "Thorn was in the hospital for a complete check-up. At 11:00AM, they brought him soup for lunch. He refused it.At 2:00PM, they again tried to serve him some soup, which he refused.Again, at 5:00PM and 7:00PM, they tried, and both times Thorn turned down the soup, so they gave up.In preparation for the next day's test, they entered his room at 3:00AM, 4:30AM, and 6:00AM and gave him an enema each time.When Thorn got home from the hospital after the tests, he told his wife, \"Whatever you do, if you go to that hospital and they try to serve you soup, take it! If you refuse it, they sneak in while you're asleep and shove it up your ass!" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Miscellaneous", + "output": "Three blondes are sitting by the side of a river holding fishing poles with the lines in the water. A Game Warden comes up behind them, taps them on the shoulder and says, \"Excuse me, ladies, I'd like to see your fishing licenses.\"\"We don't have any.\" replied the first blonde. \"Well, if your going to fish, you need fishing licenses.\" said the Game Warden.\"But officer,\" replied the second blonde, \"we aren't fishing. We all have magnets at the end of our lines and we're collecting debris off the bottom of the river.\"The Game Warden lifted up all the lines and, sure enough, there were horseshoe magnets tied on the end of each line. \"Well, I know of no law against it,\" said the Game Warden, \"take all the debris you want.\" And with that, the Game Warden left.As soon as the Game Warden was out of sight, the three blondes started laughing hysterically. \"What a dumb Fish Cop,\" the second blonde said to the other two, \"doesn't he know that there are steelhead in this river?!\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Lawyers", + "output": "A lawyer named Strange was shopping for a tombstone. After he had made his selection, the stonecutter asked him what inscription he would like on it. \"Here lies an honest man and a lawyer,\" responded the lawyer. \"Sorry, but I can't do that,\" replied the stonecutter. \"In this state, it's against the law to bury two people in the same grave. However, I could put ''here lies an honest lawyer\" \"But that won't let people know who it is\" protested the lawyer. \"Certainly will,\" retorted the stonecutter. \"people will read it and exclaim, \"That's Strange!\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Farmers", + "output": "Johnny Cochran was duck hunting in Montana recently, when he attempted to cross a fence into a field to retrieve a duck he had shot. A farmer suddenly pulled up in his pick-up truck, jumped out, and asked Mr. Cochran what he was doing on his property.\"Retrieving this duck that I just shot.\" he replied.\"That duck is on my side of the fence, so now it's mine.\" replied the farmer.Mr. Cochran asked the farmer if he recognized who he was talking to.\"No\", replied the farmer, \"I don't know, and I don't care.\"\"I am Johnny Cochran, famous lawyer from Los Angeles\", came the reply. \"I am the lawyer that got O.J. Simpson off. I'm the reason he is a free man today. And if you don't let me get that duck, I can sue you for your farm, your truck, and everything else you own. I'll leave you penniless on the street.\"\"Well,\" said the farmer, \"In Montana the only law we go by is the kicks law.\"\"Never heard of it,\" said Johnny.The farmer said, \"I get to kick you 3 times, and if you make it back to your feet and are able to kick me back 3 times, that duck is yours.\"Cochran thought this over. He grew up in a tough neighborhood and figured he could take this old farmer. \"Fair enough,\" he said.So the farmer kicked Johnny violently in the groin. As he was doubling over, the farmer kicked him in the face, and when he hit the ground, he kicked him hard in the ribs.After several moments, Johnny slowly made it back to his feet. \"Alright, now it's my turn,\" said Johnny.\"Aw, forget it,\" said the farmer. \"You can have the duck.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Farmers", + "output": "A farmer sent his nephew a crate of chickens, but the box burst open just as the boy started to take them out.The next day he wrote his uncle, \"I chased them through my neighbor's yard, but only got back eleven.\" The uncle wrote back: \"You did all right.I only sent six.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Miscellaneous", + "output": "During a recent vacation in Las Vegas, a man went to see a popular magic show. After one especially amazing feat, a man from the back of the theater yelled, \"How'd you do that?\"\"I could tell you, sir,\" the magician answered, \"but then I'd have to kill you.\"After a short pause, the man yelled back, \"Ok, then... just tell my wife!\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Animals", + "output": "Bob was in love with Nancy, the beautiful young woman across the street. Unfortunately Bob had a speech impediment and she wouldn't marry him because he talked funny. One day he read about a school on the other side of the country, that might be able to help him overcome his handicap. So he enrolled for four months.When Bob returned, his buddy Jimmy picked him up at the airport and asked: \"So? Was it worth it? Were they able to help you?\"Bob replied: \"Well - sort - of. - But - now - I - must - talk - very - slow - and - be - very - careful - to - articulate - words - properly.\"Jimmy smiled and said: \"Don't worry! Nancy loves you. I'm sure she'll marry you.\"Later that night Jimmy dropped Bob off at Nancy's house. But about two hours later Bob rang Jimmy's doorbell. Jimmy asked: \"What are you doing here? Does that mean she's not going to marry you after all?\"Bob answered: \"No, - I - don't - think - so.\"\"Why? What happened?\" Jimmy asked.Bob explained: \"Well, - everything - went - well - at - first. - We - were - sitting - on - the - couch - talking - and - I - saw - the - cat - playing - with - the - balls - on - the - Christmas - tree, - so - I - tried - to - be - witty - and - said:\"Look, - honey, - after - we're - married, - you - can - do - that - to - me!\" - But - by - the - time - I - said - it - and - she - looked, - the - cat - was - licking - his - butt!“" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Miscellaneous", + "output": "Clinton, Dole, and Perot are on a long flight in Air Force One. Perot pulls out a $100 bill and says \"I'm going to throw this $100 bill out and make someone down below happy.\"Dole, not wanting to be outdone, says, \"If that was my $100 bill, I would split it into 2 $50 bills and make two people down below happy.\"Of course Clinton doesn't want these two candidates to outdo him, so he pipes in, \"I would instead take 100 $1 bills and throw them out to make 100 people just a little happier.\"At this point the pilot, who has overheard all this bragging and can't stand it anymore, comes out and says, \"I think I'll throw all three of you out of this plane and make 250 million people happy.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Animals", + "output": "A man walks into a bar with a dog. The bartender says, \"You can't bring that dog in here.\"\"You don't understand,\" says the man. \"This is no regular dog, he can talk.\"\"Listen, pal,\" says the bartemder. \"If that dog can talk, I'll give you a hundred bucks.\"The man puts the dog on a stool, and asks him, \"What's on top of a house?\"\"Roof!\"\"Right. And what's on the outside of a tree?\"\"Bark!\"\"And what kind of sport is Judo?\"\"Rough!\"\"I guess you've heard enough,\" says the man. \"I'll take the hundred in twenties.\"The bartender is furious. \"Listen, pal,\" he says, \"get out of here before I belt you.\"As soon as they're on the street, the dog turns to the man and says, \"Do you think I should have said 'gentle'?\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Miscellaneous", + "output": "Jerry Jones calls Michael Irvin in for a meeting:\"Michael\" he says, That was a close one & you'll have to be careful from now on.\"\"What do you recommend boss?\"\"From now on it's Pepsi & Nike, not COKE & NOOKIE\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Miscellaneous", + "output": "A vampire bat came flapping in from the night covered in fresh blood and parked himself on the roof of the cave to get some sleep. Pretty soon all the other bats smelt the blood and began hassling him about where he got it. He told them to leave him alone and let him get some sleep but they persisted until finally he gave in.\"OK, OK, do you see that tree out there?\" he asked, pointing through the mouth of the cave.\"Yes, yes, yes!\" the bats all screamed in a frenzy.\"Good,\" said the first bat, \"Because I didn't!\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Family, Parents", + "output": "Rich texans are fabled for their grand style but when one oil tycoon appeared at a local golf course followed by a servant pulling a foam-cushioned chaise- lounge, his opponents thought that was taking style too far.\"J.R., are you going to make that poor caddie lug that couch all over the course after you?\" he was asked.\"Caddie, my eye,\" explained J.R. \"That's my psychiatrist.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Family, Parents", + "output": "Three mothers were sitting around comparing notes on their exemplary offspring. \"There never was a daughter more devoted than my Alice,\" said Mrs. Davis with a sniff. \"Every summer she takes me to the Catskills for a week, and every winter we spend a week at Delray Beach.\"\"That's nothing compared to what my Anna does for me,\" declared Mrs. Jones proudly. \"Every winter she treats me to two weeks in Miami, and in the summer two weeks in the Hamptons, in my own private guest house.\"Mrs. Smith sat back with a proud smile. \"Nobody loves her mother like my Jackie does.Nobody.\"\"So what does she do?\" asked the two women, turning to her.\"Three times a week she gets into a cab, goes to the best psychiatrist in the city, and pays him a hundred and fifty dollars an hour - just to talk about me!\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Farmers", + "output": "My Uncle Jim did not appear to be much for words. Nor, was he ever seen to have friends or pets.We thought he was the primordial loner, until one time we caught him with his ant farm. He loved the creatures. He knew more about ants than I knew about the streets in our little town, and he loved to talk about them. Indeed, it was a deep and private affair, and we admired him for it.One day tragedy hit in the form of a very high wind. It blew the top off the ant farm and his creatures were gone.Practically in tears, he called me on the phone.When I asked what was wrong, he replied, ... \"The ants are my friends. They're blowing in the wind. The ants are blowing inthe wind.!\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Miscellaneous", + "output": "A lady took her Poodle to the parlor for a haircut. When she asked what it would cost, the girl behind the counter told her \"$60.\"The lady was outraged: \"I only pay 50 bucks for my own haircut!\"\"But you don't bite, do you?\" the girl replied." + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Family, Parents", + "output": "Two women came before wise King Solomon, dragging betweenthem a young man in a three-piece suit.\"This young lawyer agreed to marry my daughter,\" said one.\"No! He agreed to marry MY daughter,\" said the other.And so they haggled before the King until he called forsilence.\"Bring me my biggest sword,\" said Solomon, \"and I shall hew the youngattorney in half. Each of you shall receive a half.\"\"Sounds good to me,\" said the first lady.But the other woman said, \"Oh Sire, do not spill innocentblood. Let the other woman's daughter marry him.\"The wise king did not hesitate a moment. \"The attorney mustmarry the first lady's daughter,\" he proclaimed.\"But she was willing to hew him in two!\" exclaimed theking's court.\"Indeed,\" said wise King Solomon. \"That shows she is theTRUE mother-in-law.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Animals", + "output": "There was this bloke who had a dog which he was attempting to train, but alas had very little success. He was on the verge of despair when he happened across a very charismatic American evangelist. He unburdened his soul to the American, who promptly informed him to leave the dog with him, and he would have it trained in a jiffy.The next day the man returns, and asks how the evangelist got on. The reply was positive, and the evangelist calls the dog to give a demonstration.Picking up a stick, he throws it and says 'Fetch.' Instantly the dog takes off, grabs the stick and returns. The evangelist says 'Drop' and the dog drops the stick at his feet. 'Roll over' and the dog rolls over.By this time the dog's owner is very excited, and asks if he can have a go.\"Sure,\" replies the evangelist.\"Heel,\" says the ownerAnd the dog lifts one paw, places it on the man and says, \"I command this sickness to leave you...\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Religious", + "output": "After watching sales falling off for three straight months at Kentucky Fried Chicken, the Colonel calls up the Pope and asks for a favor.The Pope says, \"What can I do?\"The Colonel says. \"I need you to change the daily prayer from, 'Give us this day our daily bread' to 'Give us this day our daily chicken.' If you do it, I'll donate 10 million dollars to the Vatican.\"The Pope replies, \"I am sorry. That is the Lord's Prayer and I can not change the words.\"So the Colonel hangs up. After another month of dismal sales, the Colonel panics, and calls again. \"Listen, Your Excellency. I really need your help. I'll donate $50 million dollars if you change the words of the daily prayer from 'Give us this day our daily bread' to 'Give us this day our daily chicken.'\"And the Pope responds, \"It is very tempting, Colonel Sanders. The church could do a lot of good with that much money. It would help us to support many charities. But again, I must decline. It is the Lord's Prayer, and I can't change the words.\"So the Colonel gives up again.After two more months of terrible sales, the Colonel gets desperate. \"This is my final offer, your Excellency. If you change the words of the daily prayer from 'Give us this day our daily bread' to 'Give us this day our daily chicken,' I will donate $100 million to the Vatican.The Pope replies, \"Let me get back to you.\"So the next day, the Pope calls together all of his bishops and he says, \"I have some good news and I have some bad news. The good news is that KFC is going to donate $100 million to the Vatican.\"The bishops rejoice at the news. Then one asks about the bad news. The pope replies, \"The bad news is that we lost the Wonder Bread account.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Money", + "output": "\"How can I ever thank you?\" gushed a woman to Clarence Darrow, after he had solved her legal troubles.\"My dear woman,\" Darrow replied, \"ever since the Phoenicians invented money there has been only one answer to that question.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Political", + "output": "A man walked into a cowboy bar and ordered a beer just as President Clinton came on the TV. After a few sips he looked up at the screen and mumbled, \"Now there's the biggest horse's arse I've ever seen.\"Immediately a customer at the end of the bar got up, walked over, decked him, and left.A few minutes later, the man was finishing his beer when Hillary Clinton appeared on the TV.\"She's a horse's arse too,\" he said.A customer from the other end of the bar got up, walked over, and knocked him off his stool.\"Hey!\" the man said, climbing back up to the bar. \"This must be Clinton country.\"\"Nope,\" the bartender replied. \"Horse country!\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Miscellaneous", + "output": "Bill and Hillary Clinton were traveling to Hillary's high school reunion in Chicago when they had to stop for gas. They pulled up to the full-service pump and waited as the gas station attendant came out to fill up the limo. As he was pumping the gas, Hillary said to Bill, \"Gee, that guy looks so familiar!\" A few minutes later, it hit her. \"Bill!\" she said, \"I do know that guy! We used to date in high school!\"Bill turned to Hillary and said, \"Well, aren't you glad you ended up with me?\"\"Why?\" asked Hillary.\"Because I'm the President of the United States and he's pumping gas!\"\"Well,\" said Hillary, \"If I had married him, he'd be President!\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Miscellaneous", + "output": "I stopped at a fast food restaurant, intrigued by a sign which offered fat free fries. I decided to give them a try, but I was dismayed when the clerk pulled a batch of fries from the fryer dripping with fat, and then put a bag of these fries in with my order.\"Just a minute,\" I said, \"those aren't fat free.\"\"Yes, they are,\" he replied, \"we only charge for the potatoes, the fat is free.\" ~~~A man is giving a speech at his lodge meeting. He gets a bit carried away and talks for two hours.Finally, he realizes what he is doing and says, \"I'm sorry I talked so long. I left my watch at home.\"A voice from the back of the room chirps, \"There's a calendar behind you.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Family, Parents", + "output": "The big game hunter gets talked into taking both his wife AND her mother along on one of his expeditions.It does not go well. The mother-in-law is, if anything, harder to get along with in the wilds than she was in the city. And to make matters worse, she won't even abide by the simple camp rules designed to keep the safari safe.One night after dinner, the hunter's wife realizes her mother is missing. Panicked, she rushes to her husband and begs him to institute a search.He sighs, and together they set out. But before they've gone far, they hear throaty growling and soon they come upon a small clearing in which the mother-in-law stands, backed up against thick, seemingly impenetrable jungle brush, and facing a huge male lion.The wife whispers urgently, \"What are we going to do?\"\"Nothing whatsoever,\" responds her husband. \"The lion got himself into this mess, now let him get himself out of it.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Heaven and Hell", + "output": "A minister dies and goes to heaven.Before him is a loudmouth man with a loud shirt, chain pants, and a loud hat. Saint Peter asked the guy what he did for a living. He said \"I was the taxi cab driver of moo yawk city. St. Peter hands him a silk robe, and a golden staff.The minister gets up to St. Peter. St. Peter asked the man what he did for a living. He stood up very straight, and spoke in a loud, clear voice \"I am John C. Maxwell, bishop of St. Mary's Church. St. Peter hands him a cotton robe, and a regular staff.\"Why\", asked the bishop. You let that taxi cab driver have a silk robe and golden staff but not me? St. Peter said \"up here we work by results.\"St. Peter said \"While you preached, people slept, while he drove, people prayed.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Miscellaneous", + "output": "A certain lawyer was quite wealthy and had a summer house in the country, to which he retreated for several weeks of the year. Each summer, the lawyer would invite a different friend of his (no, that's not the punch line) to spend a week or two up at this place, which happened to be in a backwoods section of Maine.On one particular occasion, he invited a Czechoslovakian friend to stay with him. The friend, eager to get a freebee off a lawyer, agreed.Well, they had a splendid time in the country - rising early and living in the great outdoors.Early one morning, the lawyer and his Czechoslovakian companion went out to pick berries for their morning breakfast. As they went around the berry patch, gathering blueberries and raspberries in tremendous quantities, along came two huge Bears - a male and a female.Well, the lawyer, seeing the two bears, immediately dashed for cover. His friend, though, wasn't so lucky, and the male bear reached him and swallowed him whole.The lawyer ran back to his Mercedes, tore into town as fast has he could, and got the local backwoods sheriff. The sheriff grabbed his shotgun and dashed back to the berry patch with the lawyer.Sure enough, the two bears were still there.\"He's in THAT one!\" cried the lawyer, pointing to the male, while visions of lawsuits from his friend's family danced in his head. He just had to save his friend.The sheriff looked at the bears, and without batting an eye, leveled his gun, took careful aim, and SHOT THE FEMALE.\"Whatdya do that for!\" exclaimed the lawyer, \"I said he was in the other!\"\"Exactly,\" replied the sheriff, \"and would YOU believe a lawyer who told you that the Czech was in the Male?\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Heaven and Hell", + "output": "It was a boring Sunday afternoon in the jungle, so the elephants decided to challenge the ants to a game of soccer. The game was going well with the elephants beating the ants ten to nothing, when the ants gained possession of the ball. The ants' star player was dribbling the ball towards the elephants' goal when the elephants' left back came stampeding towards him.The elephant stepped on the little ant, killing him instantly. The referee blew his whistle, stopped the game, and gave the elephant the red card.\"Oh, my God! They've killed Kenny!\" the other ant players screamed.\"What the hell do you think you're doing? Do you call that sportsmanship, killing another player?\" the referee asked the distraught elephant.The elephant cried: \"I didn't mean to kill him! I was just trying to trip him!\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Family, Parents", + "output": "It was graduation day and Mom was trying to take a picture of their son in a cap and gown, posed with his father.\"Let's try to make this look natural,\" she said. \"Junior, put your arm around your dad's shoulder.\"The father answered, \"If you want it to look natural, why not have him put his hand in my pocket?\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Heaven and Hell", + "output": "The Ballad Of The Y2K(sing to the tune of \"Gilligan's Island\")Just sit right back and you'll hear a taleOf the doom that is our fate.That started when programmers usedTwo digits for a dateTwo digits for a dateRAM memory was smaller then;Hard drives were tiny, too.\"Four digits are extravagant,So let's get by with two.So let's get by with two.\"\"This works through 1999,\"The programmers did say.\"Unless we write new code by thenThe data goes away.The data goes away.\"But management had not a clue;\"It works fine now, you bet!Rewriting code cost money,We won't do it just yet.We won't do it just yet.\"Now when 2000 rolls aroundIt all goes straight to hell,For zero less then ninety-nine,As anyone can tell.As anyone can tell.The mail won't bring your pension check;It won't be sent to youWhen you're no longer sixty-eightBut minus thirty-two.But minus thirty-two.The problems we're about to faceAre frightening, for sure.And reading every line of code'sThe only certain cure.The only certain cure.[ key change, the big finish coming ]There's not much time, there's too much code,And COBOL-coders, few.When the century is finished,We may be finished, too." + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Miscellaneous", + "output": "Andy came to work one day, limping something awful. One of his co-workers, Josh, noticed and asked Andy what happened.Andy replied, \"Oh, nothing. It's just an old hockey injury that acts up once in a while.\"Josh, \"Gee, I never knew you played hockey.\"Andy, \"No I don't. I hurt it last year when I lost $100 on the Stanley Cup Play-Offs. I put my foot through the television.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Heaven and Hell", + "output": "A man passed away and went to heaven. When the man arrived at the pearly gates, St. Peter said, \"Come on in. I'll show you around. You'll like it here\".Walking through the gates, the man noticed clocks everywhere. There were grandfather clocks, wall clocks, watches, and clocks in every corner. It appeared that heaven was nothing more than a giant clock warehouse.Surprised at how heaven looked, the man asked St. Peter what the deal was. Why are all these clocks here in heaven? St Peter replied, the clocks keep track of things on earth. There is one clock for each person. Every time the person on earth tells a lie, his clock moves one minute. For instance, this clock is for Sam, the used car salesman. If you watch it closely, it will move. Click. The minute hand on Sam's clock moved one minute. Click. It moved another minute.Sam must be into closing a customer right now said St. Peter. The minute hand on his clock moves all day.The man and St Peter continued walking. Soon they came to a clock with cobwebs on the minute hand. Whose clock is this\" asked the man. That clock belongs to the Widow Mary. She is one of the finest, God-fearing people on earth. I bet her clock hasn't moved in a year or two.They continued walking and touring heaven. The man enjoyed watching the clocks of all of his friends. When the tour was over the man said, \" I've seen everyone's clock but President Clinton's. Where is his clock?\"Saint Peter smiled, \"Just look up. We use his clock for a ceiling fan!\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Political", + "output": "A kid was sitting on his lawn with a box of puppies one morning. George Bush was on his morning run, accompanied by some Secret Service workers. Dubya asked the boy what kind of puppies were in the box. The little boy said, \"Republicans.\" The President beamed, patted the boy on the head, and said, \"Thatta boy!\" A few weeks later Bush was jogging again, this time with Dick Cheney in tow. Bush stopped at the boy's house, winked at Dick and said, \"Hey kid, what kind of pupies are in the box?\" The boy said, \"Democrats\" Bush looked crushed, saying, \"What happened? A few weeks ago they were Republicans!\" The boy said, \"Well, the puppies opened their eyes.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Miscellaneous", + "output": "The answer to the eternal question \"Is it better to be a jock or a nerd?Michael Jordan made over $300,000 a game. That equals $10,000 a minute, at an average of 30 minutes per game. With $40 million in endorsements, hemade $178,100 a day, working or not. If he sleeps 7 hours a night, he makes $52,000 every night while visions of sugarplums dance in his head. If he goes to see a movie, it'll cost him $7.00, but he'll make $18,550 while he's there. If he decides to have a 5 minute egg, he'll make $618 while boiling it. He makes $7,415/hr more than minimum wage. He'll make $3,710 while watching each episode of Friends. If he wanted to save up for a new Acura NSX ($90,000) it would take him a whole 12 hours. If someone were to hand him his salary and endorsement money, they would have to do it at the rate of $2.00 every second. He'll probably pay around $200 for a nice round of golf, but will be reimbursed $33,390 for that round. Assuming he puts the federal maximum of 15% of his income into a tax deferred account (401k), he will hit the federal cap of $9500 at 8:30 a.m. on January 1st. If you were given a penny for every 10 dollars he made, you 'd be living comfortably at $65,000 a year. He'll make about $19.60 while watching the 100 meter dash in the Olympics. He'll make about $15,600 during the Boston Marathon. While the common person is spending about $20 for a meal in his trendy Chicago restaurant, he'll pull in about $5600. In his last year, he made more than twice as much as all U.S. past presidents for all of their terms combined. Amazing isn't it? Keep reading!BUT...If Jordan saves 100% of his income for the next 250 years, he'll still have less than Bill Gates has today. Game over. Nerd wins." + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Holidays", + "output": "A grandmother was giving directions to her grown grandson, who was coming for a Christmas visit with his wife. \"You come to the front door of the apartment complex. I am in apartment 14T.\" She continued, \"There is a big panel at the door. With your elbow push button 14T. I will buzz you in. Come inside, the elevator is on the right. Get in, and with your elbow hit 14. When you get out I am on the left. With your elbow, hit my doorbell.\" \"Grandma, that sounds easy,\" replied the grandson, \"but why am I hitting all these buttons with my elbow\"? To which she answered, \"You're coming empty handed?\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Sex", + "output": "Superman wakes up one day and realizes that he has done everything he could done in metropolis and he was totally bored. He flies away in search of something to do. Pretty soon he comes across Batman swinging across a few skyscrapers.Superman yells down, \"Hey Batman, got anything I can help you with?\" Batman shouts back up, \"No, Superman. I've got everything under control.\"Superman continues onward. Eventually he flies over the ocean and looks down at Aquaman. Superman yells, \"Hey Aquaman, gimme something to do!\" Aquaman looks up and yells back, \"Sorry Superman, there's nothing for you to do here.Superman by this point is totally exasperated. He starts to fly back to Metropolis when he all of a sudden sees Wonder Woman lying nude on the beach. \"Yes!\" thinks Superman. \"If I zoom down and do her really quick like only I can do, she'll never know what hit her!\" Superman swoops out of the sky, does his thing in about 5 seconds flat, and flies away before he gets caught.Wonder Woman opens her eyes with a shock and says in surprise, \"What was that all about?\"Then the Invisible Man rolls off of her and says, \"I don't know, but my butt is killing me.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Miscellaneous", + "output": "A pirate walks in to a bar, he has the whole pirate gettup: peg leg, funky hat,the long beard, and the parrot. But he has a ship steering wheel in his pants.The bartender says,\"Excuse me, but you have a ship steering wheel in your pants.\"The pirate says,\"Arrrggg, IT'S DRIVING ME NUTS!\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Miscellaneous", + "output": "a blonde goes to an electronic store. She goes up to the salesman and says \" I'd like to buy this TV\" the salesman replies \"sorry I don't sell to blondes\" the blonde, very angry goes home. The next day she dresses up very professionally, pins her hair up and puts on a pair of glasses. She goes back to the store and says to the same salesman \"I'd like to buy this TV\" The salesman again says \"sorry but I don't sell to blondes\" Now the blonde is very angry. The next day she dyes her hair brown and puts on the glasses and goes back to the store. Again she says to the salesman \"I'd like to buy this TV\" and again the salesman replies \"Sorry I don't sell to blondes\" The blonde starts yelling \"I'm not blonde, look my hair is brown. Why won't you just sell be the damn TV?\" The salesman replies \"Because it's a microwave\"." + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Sex", + "output": "There's an Italian, a Frenchman and an Irishman. The Italian says, \"When I've a finished makina da love with my girlfriend I go down and gently tickle the back of her knees, she floatsa 6 inches abova da bed in ecstasy\". The Frenchman replies, \"Zat is nothing, when Ah 'avefinished making ze love with ze girlfriend Ah kiss all ze waydown her body and zen Ah lick ze soles of her feet wiz mah tongue and she floats 12 inches above ze bed in pure ecstasy\". The Irishman says, \"That's nahtin'. When I'vefinished shaggin' me bord, I get out of bed, walk over to th' window and wipe me whang on the curtain.She hits the roof!\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Miscellaneous", + "output": "A blonde went out for a walk. She came to a river and saw another blonde on the opposite bank. \"Yoo-hoo,\" she shouted, \"how can I get to the other side?\" The second blonde looked up the river then down the river then shouted back, \"You’re already on the other side.”" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Marriage", + "output": "A man walks into a drug store with his 8-year-old son. They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks, \"What are these, Dad?\" The man matter-of-factly replies, \"Those are called condoms, son. Men use them to have safe sex.\" \"Oh I see,\" replied the boys pensively. \"Yes, I've heard of that in health class at school.\" He looks over the display and picks up a package of three and asks, \"Why are there three in this package.\" The dad replies, \"Those are for high-school boys. One for Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday.\" \"Cool!\" says the boy. He notices a pack of six and asks \"Then who are these for?\" \"Those are for college men,\" the dad answers, \"Two for Friday, two for Saturday, and two for Sunday.\" \"WOW!\" exclaimed the boy. \"Then who uses these?\" he asks, picking up a 12-pack. With a sigh, the dad replied, \"Those are for married men. One for January, one for February, one for March.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Miscellaneous", + "output": "Two nuns, Sister Marilyn and Sister Helen, are travelling through Europe in their car. They get to Transylvania and are stopped at a traffic light. Suddenly, a tiny little Dracula jumps onto the hood of the car and hisses at them through the windscreen and begins to masturbate. \"Quick, Quick!\" shouts Sister Marilyn. \"What shall we do?\" \"Turn the windshield wipers on. That will get rid of the abomination,\"says Sister Helen. Sister Marilyn switches them on, knocking Dracula about, but he clings on.\"Switch on the windshield washer. I filled it up with Holy Water at the Vatican,\" says Sister Helen. Sister Marilyn turns on the windshield washer. Dracula screams as the water burns his skin, but still clings on and continues with his hissing and masturbating. \"Now what?\" shouts Sister Marilyn. \"Show him your cross,\" says Sister Helen. \"Now you're talking,\" says Sister Marilyn................... She opens the window and shouts, \"Get the f**k off our car you dirty little wanker!\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Miscellaneous", + "output": "There was this bar and blondes were celebrating in the corner, with beers shouting, \"41 days, 41 days!!!!\" The bartender watched as they more came in and joined the celebration. He was finally so curious that he went over and said, \"Why are you celebrating shouting, '41 days, 41 days!!!'?\" And a blonde held up a 4 piece puzzle box and said, \"The box said 4 to 6 years, and it only took us 41 days!!!!!!!!!!!!\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Miscellaneous", + "output": "A woman was out golfing one day when she hit her ball into the woods. She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap.The frog said to her, \"If you release me from this trap, I will grant you 3 wishes.\"The woman freed the frog and the frog said, \"Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes (naturally) -that whatever you wish for, your husband will get 10 times more or better!\"The woman said, \"That would be okay,\" and for her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world.The frog warned her, \"You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis, that women will flock to.\"The woman replied, \"That will be okay because I will be the most beautiful woman and he will only have eyes for me.\"So, KAZAM - she's the most beautiful woman in the world!For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world. The frog said, \"That will make your husband the richest man in the world and he will be ten times richer than you. \" The woman said, \"That will be okay because what is mine is his and what is his is mine.\"So, KAZAM she's the richest woman in the world! The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, \"I'd like a mild heart attack.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Police Jokes", + "output": "Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house ransacked and burglarised. She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime. The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the channels, and a K-9 unit patrolling nearby was the first to respond. As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, then sat down on the steps. Putting her face in her hands, she moaned, \"I come home to find all my possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and what do they do?They send me a BLIND policeman!\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Miscellaneous", + "output": "There is a man sitting in a bar, sipping on his beer.A guy slides up next to him andsays, \"If you woke up in the forest, and your arse itched, and when you scratched it, you got Vaseline on your hand, would you tell anyone?\" \"F**k NO!\" \"Well, if you reached farther into the crack of your arse and pulled out a used condom, would you tell anyone?\" \"F**k NO!\" \"Wanna go camping?\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Miscellaneous", + "output": "There was an old professor who started every class with a vulgar joke. After one particularly nasty example, the women in the class decided to walk out the next time he started. The professor got wind of this plot, so the nextmorning he walked in and said: \"Good morning, class. Did you hear the one about the shortage of whores in India?\" With that, all the women stood up and headed for the door. \"Wait, ladies,\" cried the professor. \"The boat doesn't leave until tomorrow!\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Miscellaneous", + "output": "A man goes into a restaurant and is seated. All the waitresses are gorgeous. A particularly voluptuous waitress wearing a very short skirt and legs that won't quit came to his table and asked if he was ready to order, \"What would you like, sir?\"He looks at the menu and then scans her beautiful frame top to bottom, then answers, \"A quickie.\"The waitress turns and walks away in disgust. After she regains her composure she returns and asks again, \"What would you like, sir?\" Again the man thoroughly checks her out and again answers, \"A quickie, please.\"This time her anger takes over, she reaches over and slaps him across the face with a resounding \"SMACK!\" and storms away.A man sitting at the next table leans over and whispers, \"Um, I think it's pronounced 'QUICHE'.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Miscellaneous", + "output": "In pharmacology all drugs, once their patent expires, are given generic names. For example: Tylenol is Acetaminophen, Advil is Ibuprofen,and so on.The FDA is looking for a generic name for Viagra and announced today that they have settled on: MycoxafailinOther names considered were:MycoxafloppinMydixadrupinMycoxnowworkinMydixarizen......" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Miscellaneous", + "output": "Two Welsh sheepherders are perfoming unnatural acts with two of their herd simultaneously. One turns to the other, disgustedly, and says, \"I hear they're doing this to women in England!\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Miscellaneous", + "output": "It was way back when buses first came out. There was a young guy who's gramma just died and he needed to get to his other family to tell them. So he gets dressed in a hurry and runs to the bus stop. The bus driver stops and the guy started walking down the aile and the bus driver said to give him a dime(thats how much it cost back then). So the guy says, \"hold on, I'll have to go get a dime from someone.\" The guy starts running down the street asking people for a dime and everyone says no. He finds a prostitute and says, \"Mam can I have a dime, I'll owe you forever.\" She pulls out a dime drops it in her panties \"If you want it, come and get it but you must use your mouth\" After he's been down there, he gets on the bus and spits it into the driver's hand The bus driver says, \"Hey... how far do you think your gonna get on a scab?\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Animals", + "output": "A young girl is wandering through a park in the pouring rain, when she comes across three dogs. Being a bit of an animal lover, she approaches them, bends down and starts to stroke one of them: \"Ah, you're lovely, aren't you,\" she says to the first dog. \"What's your name then?\" To her surprise, the dog actually answers her, \"My name's Huey, and I've had a great day going in and out of puddles.\" Delighted with this discovery, she moves on to the next dog. \"And what's your name then?\" Again, unbelievably, the second dog answers her, \"My name's Lewy, and I've had a great day going in and out of puddles.\" And so she moves on to the last dog. \"Let me guess,\" she says. \"your name's Dewy, and you've had a great day going in and out of puddles.\" \"No,\" replies the last dog. \"My name's Puddles, and I've had a bloody awful day.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Heaven and Hell", + "output": "PISTON BROKE One late evening, a redneck named Leroy came out of the local pub a little drunk. He got into his pickup truck and started driving home. He was on a lonely stretch of road when all of a sudden a piston blew right through the engine hood. Leroy gets out of his pickup, angry as 'hell' and kicks the door real hard and starts walking down the lonely road. About 20 minutes later, a pickup truck with a bunch of fellow rednecks riding in the back of the truck came along and stopped. One of the fella's called out, \"Hey what's the matter Leroy?\" Leroy answers, \"Piston-broke!\" The same fella calls back, \"Ya, we're pissn'd broke too. Get in the truck!\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Business", + "output": "A man went into a shoe repair store in his hometown that he had not been in for almost twenty years. He found everything just the way he remembered it. He went up to the counter and asked the man about a pair of shoes that he had left there for heel repair 20 years ago. \"One minute. I'll check.\" replied the man A few minutes later, the repair man came back. \"Well?\" asked the man \"They'll be ready Tuesday.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Miscellaneous", + "output": "Paddy and Seamus were flying to the U.S.A. in a jumbo jet when an hour into the flight they heard this message: beep beep \"this is your captain speaking we have just lost one of our four engines. Do not be alarmed this plane is fully equipped to fly us to america on only three engines but we will be delayed for 20 minutes\" An hour later they heard beep beep \"this is your captain speaking, another one of the engines have cut out. Do not be alarmed because this plane is fully equiped to fly to america on only two engines but it means we will be delayed a further hour\" This was fine with paddy and seameus and they went to sleep. An hour later they were awakened by beep beep \"this is your captain speaking we have lost a third of our four engines. Do not be alarmed this plane is fully equiped to fly to america on only one engine though our total delay time will be 3 hours 30 minutes\" Paddy then turned to seameus and said \"I hope the other one doesn't go or we'll be up here all night!\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Sex", + "output": "A man and a woman walk into a doctors office, they tell the doctor that they don't know how to have sex. The doctor tells the couple, \"the man has to stick the longest part of his body into the hariest part of the woman's body\" the doctor then says \"go home and have sex come back in couple of weeks\".They come back after a couple of weeks and tell the doctor that they are not successful. The doctor asks \"what did you do?\" The man answers \"I stuck my nose in her armpit.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Miscellaneous", + "output": "A bus driver was taking a group of senior citizens on an outing.During the trip one elderly lady came up to him and told him that she thought she had been molested.The bus driver did not pay much attention to her comment until at the end of the trip another elderly lady told him that she too had been molested. The bus driver noticed an elderly man searching under the seats for something and asked if he could help him.The man told him he had lost his toupee but had not had any luck finding it because his was parted on the side and everyone he had found under the seats were parted in the middle." + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Sex", + "output": "Legend has it that in a pub in Newyork has a magic mirror that will grant wishes if you tell the truth.If you don't POOF you're gone in a flash of smoke. A brunette,a redhead and a blonde went to this pub and headed straight for the mirror. The redhead walked up to it and said \"I think I am the most beautiful girl in the world.\" POOF.She was gone. The brunette walked up and said \"I think I am the most sexiest girl in the world.\" POOF.She too had disappaered. The blonde walked up and said \"I think...\" POOF!" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Miscellaneous", + "output": "The phone rings in the maternity ward. Upon answering, the duty midwife is told by a man \"Mrs Jones is about to give birth, her contractions are just 3 minutes apart!\" The midwife asks \"Is this her first Child?\" Bemused, the man says \"No, don't be daft, this is her Husband!\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Heaven and Hell", + "output": "A couple made a deal that who ever died first would come back and inform the other of the after life. The woman's biggest fear was that there was no heaven. After a long life the husband was the first to go and true to his word he made contact. \"Mary... Mary.... \" \"Is that you Fred?\" \"Yes, I have come back like we agreed.\" \"What is it like?\" \"Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex, I have breakfast, I have sex, I bathe in the sun, then I have sex-twice, I have lunch, then sex pretty much all afternoon - supper - then sex till late at night, sleep, then start all over again.\" \"Oh Fred you surely must be in heaven.\" * \"Hell no, I'm a rabbit in Kansas.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Miscellaneous", + "output": "A blonde was driving along a country lane one day, when she noticed in a field, another blonde sitting in a boat paddling away but getting no-where fast. Look at that fool she thinks to herself stops the car and exits it.Very annoyed she walks over to the fence and shouts to her \"its dump blondes like you who give other blondes a bad name and if I could swim I'd come over there and kick your ass\"." + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Police Jokes", + "output": "A woman and a man are involved in a car accident; it's a bad one. Both of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of them are hurt.After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, \"So you're a man, that's interesting. I'm a woman. Wow, just look at our cars!There's nothing left, but fortunately we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days.\"The man replied, \"I agree with you completely.\"This must be a sign from God!\"The woman continued,\"And look at this, here's another miracle - My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break! Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune.\"She hands the bottle to the man, as the man nods his head in agreement. He opens it and (due to his traumatic experience) drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman. The woman takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap back on,and hands it back to the man.The man asks, \"Aren't you having any?\"The woman replies, \"No. I think I'll just wait for the police.." + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Family, Parents", + "output": "My uncle once spent days looking for his new hat. Finally, he decided that he'd go to church on Sunday and sit at the back. During the service he would sneak out and grab a hat from the rack at the front door.On Sunday, he went to church and sat at the back. The sermon was about the 10 commandments. He sat through the whole sermon and instead of sneaking out he waited until the sermon was over and went to talk to the minister.\"Father, I came here today to steal a hat to replace the one I lost. But after hearing your sermon on the 10 Commandments, I changed my mind.\"The minister said, \"Bless you my son. Was it when I started to preach thou shall not steal, that changed your heart?\"My uncle responded, \"No, it was the one on adultery. When you started to preach on that, I remembered where I left my hat.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Miscellaneous", + "output": "There was a party on top of a large buildings roof. Two guys were off to the corner when the first guy said \"Watch this\"! and with that jumped off the roof. To the second man's suprise he just stayed suspended there and floated back.\"Wow!\" said the second man, \"I'll give you $20 if you do that again!\" So the first man did it again. Handing over the $20, the second man shouted \"Right! My turn!\" and with that jumped off to his death.Then another man came up and said to the first \"Damn you're a bastard when you're drunk, Superman!\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Miscellaneous", + "output": "A man took his old duck to the Doctor, concerned because the duck wouldn't eat. The Doctor explained to the man that as ducks age their upper bills grow down over their lower bills and make it difficult for the animal to pick up it's food. \"What you need to do is gently file the upper bill down even with the lower bill. But you must be extra careful because the duck's nostrils are located in the upper bill and if you file down too far, when the duck takes a drink of water it'll drown.\" The man goes about his business and about a week later the Doctor runs into his patient. \"Well, how is that duck of yours?\" the Doctor inquires. \"He's dead.\" declared the heartbroken man. \"I told you not to file his upper bill down too far! He took a drink of water and drowned didn't he?\" insisted the Doctor. \"No.\" lamented the man. \"I think he was dead before I took him out of the vice.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Sex", + "output": "After a long night of making love the young guy rolled over,pulled out a cigarette from his jeans and searched for his lighter. Unable to find it, he asked the girl if she had one at hand. \"There might be some matches in the top drawer,\" she replied. He opened the drawer of the bedside table and found a box of matches sitting neatly on top of a framed picture of another man. Naturally, the guy began to worry. \"Is this your husband?\"he inquired nervously. \"No, silly,\" she replied, snuggling up to him. \"Your boyfriend then?\" he asked. \"No, not at all,\" she said, nibbling away at his ear. \"Well, who is he then?\" demanded the bewildered guy. Calmly, the girl replied, \"That's me before the operation.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Miscellaneous", + "output": "A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of state capitals. She proudly says, \"Go ahead, ask me, Iknow all of them.\" A friend says, \"OK, what's the capital of Wisconsin?\" The blonde replies, \"Oh, that's easy: W.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Miscellaneous", + "output": "A guy sticks his head into a barber shop and asks, \"How long before I can get a haircut?\" The barber looks around the shop and says, \"About 2 hours.\" The guy leaves. A few days later the same guy sticks his head in the door and asks, \" How long before I can get a haircut?\" The barber looks around at the shop full of customers and says, \"About 3 hours.\" The guy leaves. A week later the same guy sticks his head in the shop and asks, \"How long before I can get a haircut?\" The barber looks around the shop and says, \"About an hour and a half.\" The guy leaves. The barber who is intrigued by this time, looks over at a friend in the shop and says, \"Hey, Bill. Follow that guy and see where he goes.\" A little while later, Bill comes back into the shop, laughing hysterically. The barber asks, \"Bill, where did he go when he left here?\" Bill looks up, tears in his eyes and says,\" Your house.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Science", + "output": "The teacher of the earth science class was lecturing on map reading. After explaining about latitude, longitude, degrees and minutes the teacher asked, \"Suppose I asked you to meet me for lunch at 23 degrees, 4 minutes north latitude and 45 degrees, 15 minutes east longitude...?\"After a confused silence, a voice volunteered, \"I guess you'd be eating alone.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Sex", + "output": "\"Daddy, where did I come from?\" the seven-year-old asked. It was a moment for which her parents had carefully prepared. They took her into the living room, got out the encyclopedia and several other books, and explained all they thought she should know about sexual attraction, affection, love, and reproductions. Then they both sat back and smiled contentedly. \"Does that answer your question?\" her father asked. \"Not really,\" the little girl said. \"Marcia said she came from Newcastle. I want to know where I came from.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Miscellaneous", + "output": "God said unto Adam \" You have been quiet lately - is there something wrong? Adam said he didn't have anyone to talk to. So God said that He would make him a companion and that it would be a woman. And God said\"A woman will gather food for you, cook for you and when you discover clothing, she will wash it for you. She will always agree with every decision you make. She will bear children and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them. She will not nag you and will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you have a disagreement. She will never get a headache and will freely give you love and passion whenever you want\" Adam asked \"What will it cost me?\" God replied \"An arm and a leg\" Adam asked \"What can I get for a rib?\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Old Age", + "output": "An 80 year old couple were having problems remembering things, so they decided to go to their doctor to get checked out to make sure nothing was wrong with them. When they arrived at the doctor's, they explained to the doctor about the problems they were having with their memory. After checking the couple out, the doctor tells them that they were physically okay but might want to start writing things down and make notes to help them remember things. The couple thanked the doctor and left. Later that night while watching TV, the old man got up from his chair and his wife asks, \"Where are you going?\" He replies, \"To the kitchen.\" She asks, \"Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?\" He replies, \"Sure.\" She then asks him, \"Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?\" He says, \"No, I can remember that.\" She then says, \"Well I also would like some strawberries on top. You had better write that down cause I know you'll forget that.\" He says, \"I can remember that, you want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.\" She replies, \"Well I also would like whip cream on top. I know you will forget that so you better write it down.\" With irritation in his voice, he says, \"I don't need to write that down I can remember that.\" He then fumes into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes he returns from the kitchen and hands her a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment and says, \"You forgot my toast.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Miscellaneous", + "output": "Dear God, So far today, I've done all right. I haven't gossiped. I haven't lost my temper. I haven't been greedy, grumpy, nasty, selfish, or overindulgent.I am very thankful for that.But, in a few minutes, God, I'm going to get out of bed; and from then on, I'm probably going to need a lot more help.Amen" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Miscellaneous", + "output": "A young man wanted to get his beautiful blonde wife something nice for their first wedding anniversary. So he decides to buy her a cell phone. She is all excited, she loves her phone. He shows her and explains to her all the features on the phone. The next day the blonde goes shopping. Her phone rings and it's her husband, \"Hi hon,\" he says. \"How do you like your new phone?\" She replies, \"I just love it, it's so small and your voice is clear as a bell but there's one thing I don't understand though.\" \"What's that, baby?\" asks the husband. \"How did you know I was at WalMart?\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Marriage", + "output": "If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first? The dog of course. At least he'll shut up after you let him in." + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Miscellaneous", + "output": "Mr. Rabbit was walking down the road when he spotted a crow at the tip top of a very tall tree. He shouted, \"Good Morning, Mr. Crow.\" Mr. Crow shouted back down, \"Good Morning Mr. Rabbit.\" Mr. Rabbit shouted up, \"Whatcha doin' today?\" and the answer shouted back down was, \"Absolutely nothin' Mr. Rabbit - Absolutely nothin' and loving it.\" Well, that sounded pretty good to Mr. Rabbit, so he shouted back up, \"Do you think I could do that too?\" Mr. Crow shouted back down, \"I don't see why not!\" So, Mr. Rabbit lay down on the side of the road and began Doing Absolutely Nothing. In 30 minutes a fox came along and ate him. The moral of the story is: You can get away with Doing Absolutely Nothing, but only if you are really high up." + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Miscellaneous", + "output": "There was a man sitting in a bar drinking a beer when a truckie came in and drank it all. The guy burst into tears.\"It was only a joke, I'll get you another one\" said the truckie.\"That's not it,see I went to work and got fired, then I went to the parking lot and my car was stolen, then I went home to find my wife with another man. So now I'm here, and just when I'm about to end it all, you come in and drink my poisoned Beer." + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Miscellaneous", + "output": "Tonto and the Lone Ranger were lost one day. The Lone Ranger says to Tonto, 'Use your Indian instincts and get us out of this mess.'Tonto bends down and put his ear to the ground. He turns and says to the Lone Ranger, 'Buffalo come.' The Lone Ranger says to Tonto 'How do you know?' Tonto Says 'Ear sticky'" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Military", + "output": "The chief of staff of the US Air Force decided that he would personally intervene in the recruiting crisis affecting all of our armed services. He directed a nearby Air Force base that will be opened and that all eligible young men and women be invited. As he and his staff were standing near a brand new F-15 Fighter, a pair of twin brothers who looked like they had just stepped off a Marine Corps recruiting poster walked up to them. The chief of staff walked up to them, stuck out his hand and introduced himself. He looked at the first young man and asked, \"Son, what skills can you bring to the Air Force?\" The young man looks at him and says, \"I'm a pilot!\" The general gets all excited, turns to his aide and says, \"Get him in today, all the paper work done, everything, do it!\" The aide hustles the young man off. The general looks at the second young man and asked, \"What skills to you bring to the Air Force?\" The young man says, \"I chop wood!\" \"Son,\" the general replies, \"we don't need wood choppers in the Air Force, what do you know how to do?\" \"I chop wood!\" \"Young man,\" huffs the general, \"you are not listening to me, we don't need wood choppers, this is the 20th century!\" \"Well,\" the young man says, \"you hired my brother!\" \"Of course we did,\" says the general, \"he's a pilot!\" The young man rolls his eyes and says, \"So what! I have to chop it before he can pile it!\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Miscellaneous", + "output": "Six guys are playing poker when Bill loses $500 on one hand, clutches his chest and falls over dead. Who's going to tell his wife, they all wonder. They draw straws and Bob picks the short one. They tell him to break it to her gently. \"No Problem,\" Bob says. So he drives over to Bill's house and knocks on the door. The wife answers. \"Your husband just lost $500 playing cards,\" he tells her. She screams and says,\"Tell him to drop dead!\" Bob replies,\"Ok. I'll tell him.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Miscellaneous", + "output": "There was a guy who walked into a bar and said to the bartender, \"I'll bet you a beer that I can bite my left eye.\" And the bartender said, Well, nobody can bite their own eye! Sure.\" So the man took out a glass eye and bit it. So he got his free beer from the bartender who had just lost the bet. Then he said, \"I'll bet you another beer I can bite my right eye.\" And the bartender replied, \"No one can have two glass eyes. Sure thing, Sir.\" So the man took out false teeth and bit his left eye." + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Miscellaneous", + "output": "A blonde tried to sell her old car. She was having a lot of problems selling it, because the car had 250,000 miles on it. One day, she spoke about her problem with a brunette she worked with at a salon. The brunette told her, \"There is a possibility to make the car easier to sell, but it's not legal.\" \"That doesn't matter,\" replied the blonde, \"as long as I can sell the car.\" \"Okay,\" said the brunette. \"Here is the address of a friend of mine. He owns a car repair shop. Tell him I sent you and he will turn the counter in your car back to 50,000 miles. Then it shouldn't be problem to sell it anymore.\" The following weekend, the blonde made the trip to the mechanic. About one month after that, the brunette asked the blonde, \"Did you sell your car?\" \"No,\" replied the blonde, \"why should I? It only has 50,000 miles on it.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Miscellaneous", + "output": "A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a Family in Egypt and is named \"Amal.\" The other goes to a family in Spain; They name him \"Juan.\" Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his mum. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds, \"But they are twins - if you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Animals", + "output": "A little boy came down to breakfast. Since they lived on a farm, his mother asked if he had done his chores. \"Not yet,\" said the little boy. His mother tells him he can't have any breakfast until he does his chores. Well, he's a little pissed, so he goes to feed the chickens, and he kicks a chicken. He goes to feed the cows, and he kicks a cow. He goes to feed the pigs, and he kicks a pig. He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal. \"How come I don't get any eggs and bacon? Why don't I have any milk in my \"cereal?\" he asks. \"Well,\" his mother says, \"I saw you kick a chicken, so you don't get any eggs. I saw you kick the pig, so you don't get any bacon, either. I also saw you kick the cow, so you aren't getting any milk this morning.\" Just about then, his father comes down for breakfast, and he kicks the cat as he's walking into the kitchen. The little boy looks up at his mother with a smile, and says, \"Are you going to tell him, or should I?\"." + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Miscellaneous", + "output": "The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which is the other possiblity. As part of the negotiations, Her Majesty's Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5-year phase-in plan that would become known as \"Euro-English.\" In the first year, 's' will replace the soft 'c'. Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard 'c' will be dropped in favour of the 'k'. This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter. There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome 'ph' will be replased with the 'f'. This will make words like 'fotograf' 20% shorter. In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent 'e' in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away. By the 4th yer peopl will be reseptiv to steps such as replasing 'th' with 'z' and 'w' with 'v'. During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary 'o' kan be dropd from vords kontaining 'ou' and similar changes vud, of kors, be aplid to oza kombinations of letas. After ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reli sensibl riten styl. Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru!" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Crazy Jokes", + "output": "Just before Thanksgiving, a lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store, but couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, \"Do these turkeys get any bigger?\" The stock boy replied, \"No ma'am, they're dead.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Family, Parents", + "output": "My uncle once spent days looking for his new hat. Finally, he decided that he'd go to church on Sunday and sit at the back. During the service he would sneak out and grab a hat from the rack at the front door.On Sunday, he went to church and sat at the back. The sermon was about the 10 commandments. He sat through the whole sermon and instead of sneaking out he waited until the sermon was over and went to talk to the minister.\"Father, I came here today to steal a hat to replace the one I lost. But after hearing your sermon on the 10 Commandments, I changed my mind.\"The minister said, \"Bless you my son. Was it when I started to preach thou shall not steal, that changed your heart?\"My uncle responded, \"No, it was the one on adultery. When you started to preach on that, I remembered where I left my hat.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Miscellaneous", + "output": "A man sitting at a bar was really drunk when he decided he had to use the restoom.He stubbled off to restroom a few seconds later.After some time had passed the bartender heard this horrifing scream.Since the other customers were starting to leave because of the noice the bartender went back to see what the problem was.When he got back there the bartender asked what was the problem was.The drunk said \"I don't understand everytime I flush the toilet something squeezes my nuts, will you look and tell me what the problem is?\"The bartender looks over and says \" Man I don't know how to tell you this but your sitting on the mop-bucket.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Miscellaneous", + "output": "There were three women speeding dowm a country road. One was a brunette, another a redhead, and the third a blonde. A cop saw them speeding and put on his siren. The three girls pulled over, got out of the car and each climbed up a different tree to hide.The cop pulled over and tried to find them. He came to the tree where the brunette was and shook it. The brunette said \"CAW! CAW!\" \"Oh it must be a crow.\" he thought.Next he came to the tree where the redhead was hiding.\"Tweet tweet!\" she said. \"Oh it must be a sparrow\" he thought.Then he came to the tree where the blonde was hiding.The cop shook the tree and the response was \"Moooo!\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Miscellaneous", + "output": "This woman went to her docter because she felt her vagina lips were too large and she wanted to be operated on. She awoke the next morning to find 3 single roses next to her bed. She asked wthe Doctor who they were from. \"The first rose is from me because I thought it was a very brave thing to face this on your own..\"\"The second is from the nurse who assisted in the operation and later went and got her own done..\"\"The third rose is from the man upstairs in the burn unit..... he wanted to thank you for his new ears!\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Heaven and Hell", + "output": "These three guys - an American, Chinese, and German - were shipwrecked on a desert island. The German found this smokey bottle. So he brought it back to the other two and they all opened it togther (the German was a really nice guy). Well, low and behold, a GENIE POPPED OUT! The genie granted them each one wish, and of course all three wanted to be back home. So the genie said he would grant them their wishes. \"But first, you must all do me a favor. Mr. American - I want you to built me a restaurant here. Mr. German - you will make the kitchen for this restaurant. Mr. Chinaman - you will get the supplies for the restaurant. I have a hot date waiting for me in Bagdad, so I have to go. But I will return in ONE MONTH. At that time, if you satisfied my requirements, I will grant your wishes.\"So for one month, the three men American and German toiled while the Oriental kinda lazed around and gave a helping hand to the other two. Then about 4 days before the genie's expected return, the Oriental disappeared.Well, the genie came back, just as he promised, and asked to be shown what they had done.He was amazed by the restaurant! Five dining rooms, a tremendous main lobby - all made of bamboo! It was a magnificent feat. As for the kitchen - full utensils, running gas stoves, pots, pans - all made from shells, bamboo, and coconuts. An absolute wonder!\"But where are the supplies from Mr. Chinaman?\"The two men said they didn't know. All they knew was that he had disappered a few days ago and they hadn't seen hide nor hair of him since then. Suddenly from the shadows, out leaped the Oriental, shouting in a loud voice:\"SUPLISE!!!!!!!!!\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Aviation", + "output": "Two mathematicians were travelling in an airplane from LA to New York. About an hour into the flight, the pilot announced that they had lost an engine, but not to worry, there were three left. However, instead of 5 hours it would take 7 hours to get to New York. A little later, the pilot again came over the intercom. He announced that a second engine failed, and while they still had two left, it would now take 10 hours to get to New York. Somewhat later, the intercom buzzed again, and the pilot announced that a third engine had died. Never fear, he announced, the plane could fly on a single engine. However, it would now take 18 hours to get to new York. At this point, one mathematician turned to the other and said, \"You realize that if we lose that last engine we'll be up here forever!\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Miscellaneous", + "output": "A golf club walks into a local bar and asked the barman for a pint of beer. The barman refused to serve him. \"Why not?\" asked the golf club. \"You'll be driving later,\" replied the bartender." + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Miscellaneous", + "output": "The Colorado State Department of Fish and Wildlife is advising hikers, hunters, fishermen, and golfers to take extra precautions and be on the alert for bears while in the Dillon, Breckenridge, and Keystone areas. They advise people to wear noise-producing devices, such as little bells, on their clothing to alert but not startle the bears unexpectedly. They also advise you to carry pepper spray, in case of an encounter with a bear. It is also a good idea to watch for signs of bear activity. People should be able to recognize the difference between black bear and grizzly bear droppings. Black bear droppings are smaller and contain berries and possibly squirrel fur. Grizzly bear droppings have bells in them and smell like pepper spray." + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Miscellaneous", + "output": "A grasshopper walks into a bar and walks up to the bar. The bartender says \"hey, we have a drink named after you!\" \"Really?\" asks the grasshopper, \"You have a drink named Steve?\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Miscellaneous", + "output": "A biologist, a psychologist, and a mathematician were sitting in a bar drinking coffee.Across the street, they watch as 2 people walk into the house, and then 3 people come out.\"They must have reproduced!\" cries the biologist.\"It can't be physically done!\" cries the psychologist.\"You guys are both wrong\" says the mathematician. \"Now there are negative one person in the house." + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Miscellaneous", + "output": "Two sausages were in a pan.One sausage turns to the other and says, \"Man, Its getting hot in here.\"The other sausage screams and says, \"AH! A talking sausage!!\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Holidays", + "output": "A little girl is in line to see Santa. When it's her turn, she climbs up on Santa's lap. \"What would you like Santa to bring you for Christmas?\" Santa asks. \"I want a Barbie and Xena,\" the little girl replies. Santa looks at the little girl for a moment and says, \"I thought Barbie comes with Ken.\" \"No,\" the little girl says. \"She comes with Xena. She fakes it with Ken.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Religious", + "output": "Gravy Ladle In France, the young assistant pastors do not live in the main rectory. That is reserved for the pastor and his housekeeper. One day the pastor invited his new young assistant pastor to have dinner at the rectory. While being served, the young pastor noticed how shapely and lovely the housekeeper was and he wondered... After the meal was over, the middle-aged pastor assured the young priest that everything was purely professional and that she was the housekeeper and cook and that was that. About a week later the housekeeper came to the pastor and said, \"Father, ever since the new assistant came for dinner, I have not been able to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose he took it, do you?\" The pastor said, \"Well, I doubt it but I'll write him a letter.\" So he wrote, \"Dear Father, I'm not saying that you did take the gravy ladle and I'm not saying you did not take the gravy ladle. But the fact remains that it has been missing since you were here for dinner.\" The young assistant received the letter and he answered it as follows, \"Dear Father Pastor, I'm not saying that you do sleep with the housekeeper and I'm not saying that you do not sleep with the housekeeper. But I do know for sure that if you slept in your own bed... you would have found the gravy ladle by now!\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Miscellaneous", + "output": "An atheist was spending a quiet day fishing when suddenly his boat was attacked by the Loch Ness monster. In one easy flip, the beast tossed him and his boat high into the air. Then it opened its mouth to swallow both. As the man sailed head over heels, he cried out, \"Oh, God! Help me!\" At once, the ferocious attack scene froze in place, and as the atheist hung in mid-air, a booming voice came down from the clouds, \"I thought you didn't believe in Me!\" \"Come on God, give me a break!!,\" the man pleaded. \"Two minutes ago I didn't believe in the Loch Ness monster either!\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "State Jokes", + "output": "A tourist is visiting New York City when his car breaks down. He jumps out and starts fiddling under the hood. About five minutes later, he hears some thumping sounds and looks around to see someone taking stuff out of his trunk! He runs around and yells, \"Hey, buddy, this is my car!\" \"OK,\" the man says. \"You take the front and I'll take the back.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Miscellaneous", + "output": "Two Welshman walking across a field stumble upon a sheep with its head through a wire fence (it didn't have foot and mouth). The first Welshman drops his trousers and piles into the sheep for 10 mins. After he was finished he asked the second Welshman if he wanted a go?? The second Welshman dropped his trousers and stuck his head through the fence !" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Sex", + "output": "A couple had been married for 50 years. They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the wife says, \"Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together.\" \"I know,\" the old man said, \"We were probably sitting here naked as jaybirds fifty years ago.\" \"Well,\" Granny snickered, \"Let's relive some old times.\" Whereupon the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table. \"You know, honey,\" the little old lady breathlessly replied, \"My nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago.\" \"I wouldn't be surprised,\" replied Gramps. \"One's in your coffee and the other is in your porridge.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Miscellaneous", + "output": "Fellow orders a triple whisky at the bar and stikes up a conversation with the landlord.Fellow: I shouldn't drink this with what I've Got!Landlord: Why what have you got?Fellow: Fifty Pence!" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Miscellaneous", + "output": "A beautiful woman loved growing tomatoes, but couldn't seem to get her tomatoes to turn red. One day while taking a stroll she came upon a gentleman neighbor who had the most beautiful garden full of huge red tomatoes. The woman asked the gentleman, \"What do you do to get your tomatoes so red?\" The gentlemen responded, \"Well, twice a day I stand in front of my tomato garden and expose myself, and my tomatoes turn red from blushing so much.\" Well, the woman was so impressed; she decided to try doing the same thing to her tomato garden to see if it would work.So twice a day for two weeks she exposed herself to her garden hoping for the best. One day the gentleman was passing by and asked the woman, \"By the way, how did you make out?\"Did your tomatoes turn red?\" \"No\" she replied, \"but my cucumbers are enormous!\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Money", + "output": "Three friends - two straight guys and a gay guy - and their significant others were on a cruise. A tidal wave came up and swamped the ship; they all drowned, and next thing you know, they're standing before St. Peter.First came one of the straight guys and his wife. St. Peter shook his head sadly. \"I can't let you in. You loved money too much. You loved it so much, you even married a woman name Penny.\"Then came the second straight guy. \"Sorry, can't let you in either. You loved food too much. You loved to eat so much, you even married a woman named Candy!\"The gay guy turned to his boyfriend and whispered nervously, \"It doesn't look good, Dick.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Miscellaneous", + "output": "A man was walking in the mountains just enjoying the scenery when he stepped too close to the edge of the mountain and started to fall.In desperation he reached out and grabbed a limb of a gnarly old tree hanging onto the side of the cliff. Full of fear he assessed his situation. He was about 100 feet down a shear cliff and about 900 feet from the floor of the canyon below. If he should slip again he'd plummet to his death. Full of fear, he cries out, \"help me!\" But there was no answer. Again and again he cried out but to no avail. Finally he yelled, \"is anybody up there?\" A deep voice replied, \"yes, I'm up here.\" \"Who is it?\" \"It's the Lord\" \"Can you help me?\" \"Yes, I can help.\" \"Help me!\" \"Let go.\" Looking around the man became full of panic. \"What?!\" \"Let go. I will catch you.\" \"Is anybody else up there?\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Old Age", + "output": "An old guy goes to the doctor and gets some tests done. The doctor comes back from checking the results and says, \"I have some bad news. You have cancer and you have Alzheimer's.\" The old man replies \"Oh thank god I don't have cancer!\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Family, Parents", + "output": "A young virgin marries a Greek man and before the wedding her father tells her that, being Greek, her husband may ask her to turn the other way in bed one day, but the she doesn't have to do it if she doesn't want to. Sure enough, after a couple of months, her husband asks her to turn over and she says \"No, my father said I don't have to do this.\" Her husband says OK, that's fine by me, but I thought you wanted children." + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Miscellaneous", + "output": "An 80 year old man was having his annual checkup and the doctor asked him how he was feeling. \"I've never been better!\" he boasted. \"I've got an eighteen year old bride who's pregnant and having my child! What do you think about that?\" The doctor considered this for a moment, then said, \"Let me tell you a story. I knew a guy who was an avid hunter. He never missed a season. But one day went out in a bit of a hurry and he accidentally grabbed his umbrella instead of his gun.\" The doctor continued, \"So he was in the woods and suddenly a grizzly bear appeared in front of him! He raised up his umbrella, pointed it at the bear and squeezed the handle.\" \"And do you know what happened?\" the doctor queried. Dumbfounded, the old man replied \"No\". The doctor continued, \"The bear dropped dead in front of him!\" \"That's impossible!\" exclaimed the old man. \"Someone else must have shot that bear.\" \"That's kind of what I'm getting at...\" replied the doctor." + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Medical", + "output": "A young mechanic was repairing the engine of a cardiac surgeon's BMW while the owner waited. The mechanic yelled across the floor to the doctor, \"Hey Doc, can I ask you something?\" The surgeon was a bit surprised but he walked over to the mechanic. The mechanic straightened himself up and wiped his hands with a rag. \"Look at this engine doc,\" he said. \"I open hearts, take out valves, fix 'em, and put 'em back in. When I'm done they'll work just like new. So how come you get the big bucks when I barely have enough to get by?\" The doctor leaned in close to the young man, smiled, and said, \"Try it with the engine running.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Miscellaneous", + "output": "Sandie lost her husband almost four years ago and still has not gotten out of her depression - mourning as if it were only yesterday. Her daughter is constantly calling her and urging her to get back into the world. Finally, Sandie says she'd go out, but didn't know anyone. Her daughter immediately replies, \"Mama! I have someone for you to meet.\" Well, it was an immediate hit. They took to one another and after dating for six weeks he asks her to join him for a weekend in the Catskills. And we know what that meant. Their first night there she undresses as he does. There she stood nude except for a pair of black lacy panties. He in his birthday suit. Looking at her he asks, \"Why the black panties?\" She replies, \"My breasts you can fondle, my body is yours to explore, but down there I am still in mourning.\" He knows he's not getting lucky that night. The following night the same scenario. She's standing there with the black panties on and he is in his birthday suit; except that he has an erection, on which he has a black condom. She looks at him and asks, \"What's with this...a black condom?\" He replies, \"I'd like to offer my condolences.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Sex", + "output": "A young girl in her mid 20's went to a pub and ordered a Bud light.After she drank it she went to a corner and passed out.A sleezy buisness man saw her and had sex with her.She woke up and left like nothing happend. The next day she went to the pub and ordered a Bud light again.She drank it again and passed out.The buisness man saw her again and grabbed two of his pals and they had their evil ways with her.She got up and left the pub like nothing else had happened. On the next day she went to the pub again,ordered the same and passed out again.This time twenty men saw her,built up a orderly line and all had sex with her.She woke up and left the pub. The next day she went to the pub and ordered a Coors \"Why do you want a Coors instead of a Bud light?\" the barman asked her.The girl just said \"Because Bud light makes my crotch sore.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Family, Parents", + "output": "One day this little boy went on a bus a sat right behind the bus driver. The little boy kept on saying things like \"If my daddy was a elephant and my mommy a girl elephant I would be a little elephant.\" The little boy kept going on using almost all the animals he knew until the bus driver got so p!ssed off that he said, \"What if your dad was gay and your mom a prostitute?\" And the little boy looked at the bus driver, smiled and said, \"I'd be a bus driver!\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Police Jokes", + "output": "A man is sitting in a plane which is about to take-off , when another man with a dog occupies the empty seats alongside. The dog sits in the middle with a seat all to himself.The first man is looking quizzically at the dog when the second man explains that they work for the airline. The dog handler says to the first man Don't mind Rover he is a sniffer dog, the best there is, I'll show you once we get airborne, and I set him to work.Eventually, the plane takes off and when it levels out the handler says to the first manWatch this. He tells the dog\"Rover, search\". The dog jumps down, walks along the aisle to the back of the plane and sits next to a woman for a few seconds, it then returns to its seat and puts one paw on the handlersarm. He says \"Good boy\", and turns to the first man and says,That woman is in possession of marijuana, so I'm making a note ofthis, and the seat number, for the police who will apprehend her on arrival. Fantastic! replies the first man. Once again the man says to the dog \"Rover search\".This time he sent the dog down to the front of their plane.The dogsniffs about,sits down beside a man for a few seconds, returns to its seat and placesboth paws on the handlers arm He says \"Good boy\", and turns to the first man and says, That man is carrying cocaine, so again, I'm making a note of this, and theseat number. That's marvellous, I never seen anything like it! says the first man. Once again he sends the dog to search the aisles. He goes up and down the plane and after a while sits down next to someone, and then comes racing back, jumps up onto the seat and this time craps all over the place.The first man is surprised and disgusted by this, and asks What the bloody hell is going on? The handler replies \"Oh god, He's just found a bomb!!" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Police Jokes", + "output": "Police warn all male clubbers, party-goers and unsuspecting public house regulars to be more alert and cautious when getting a drink offer from a woman. There is a drug called \"beer\", that is essentially in liquid form. The drug is now being used by female sexual predators at parties to convince their male victims to have sex with them. The shocking statistic is that \"beer\" is available virtually anywhere! All women have to do is buy a \"beer\" or two for almost any guy and simply ask the guy home for no-strings attached sex. Men are literally rendered helpless against such attacks. Please! Inform every male you know." + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Miscellaneous", + "output": "A man was enquiring about Viagra to a pharmacist. The pharmacist said \"These pills work wonders for me, I can go for 3 hours!I only have to take one pill\" Interested the man asked \"Can you get it over the counter?\"The pharmacists looked startled and replied \"Maybe if I take two pills!\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Business", + "output": "A woman walked up to the manager of a department store. \"Are you hiring any help?\" she asked. \"No,\" he said. \"We already have all the staff we need.\" \"Then would you mind getting someone to assist me?\" she asked." + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Miscellaneous", + "output": "Two cows standing next to each other in a field, Daisy said to Dolly \"I was artificially inseminated this morning.\" \"I don't believe you,\" said Dolly. \"It's true, straight up, no bull!\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Miscellaneous", + "output": "In the beginning, God created the earth and rested. Then God created Man and rested. Then God created Woman. Since then, neither God nor Man has rested." + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Miscellaneous", + "output": "Two men were having a conversation. A: \"My ears got burnt!\" B: \"How did that happen?\" A: \"You see, I was ironing and the phone rang and instead of picking up the phone I picked up the iron.\" B: \"So how did the second one get burnt.\" A: \"The person called back.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Miscellaneous", + "output": "An artist asked the gallery owner if there had been any interest in his paintings on display at that time.\"I have good news and bad news,\" the owner replied. \"The good news is that a gentleman inquired about your work and wondered if it would appreciate in value after your death. When I told him it would, he bought all 15 of your paintings.\"\"That's wonderful,\" the artist exclaimed. \"What's the bad news?\"\"The guy was your doctor.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Miscellaneous", + "output": "Three old women are talking about their aches, pains and bodily dysfunctions. One seventy-five year old woman says, \"I have this problem. I wake up every morning at seven and it takes me twenty minutes to pee.\" An eighty year old woman says, \"My case is worse. I get up at eight and I sit there and grunt and groan for half an hour before I finally have a bowel movement.\" The ninety year old woman says, \"At seven I pee like a horse, at eight I crap like a cow.\" \"So what's your problem?\" asked the others. \"I don't wake up until nine.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Religious", + "output": "Every time Timmy's mom had her boyfriend over, she put Timmy in the closet with his teddy bear. One day, hearing her husband coming up the stairs, she quickly shoved her boyfriend in with Timmy.\"Gee, it's mighty dark in here,\" Timmy said.\"Yes, it sure is,\" replied the boyfriend.\"You wanna buy my teddy bear for fifty bucks?\" asked Timmy.\"No way, kid. You're crazy,\" said the boyfriend.\"I'll scream,\" said Timmy.The boyfriend forked over the money.The next day, Timmy's grandmother came to visit and saw him thumbing through a wad of money. \"Where did you get all that money, Timmy?\" she asked, suspecting that he stole it. Timmy wouldn't say.\"Well, if you won't tell me, you'll have to go to confession and tell the priest,\" said Grandma, dragging Timmy off to the church.As he entered the gloomy confession booth, Timmy said, \"Gee, it's mighty dark in here.\"\"Are you going to start that crap again?\" the priest said." + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Miscellaneous", + "output": "This couple goes to an agricultural show way out in the countryside a fine Sunday afternoon, & are watching the auctioning off of bulls. The guy selling the bulls announces the first bull to be auctioned off: \"A fine specimen, this bull reproduced 60 times last year.\" The wife nudges her husband in the ribs, & comments, \"See! That was more than 5 times a month!\" The second bull is to be sold: \"Another fine specimen, this wonder reproduced 120 times last year.\" Again the wife bugs her husband, \"Hey, that's some 10 times a month. What do YOU say to that?!\" Her husband is getting really annoyed with this comparison. The third bull is up for sale: \"And this extraordinary specimen reproduced 365 times last year!\" The wife slaps her husband on the arm and yells, \"That's once a day, every day of the year! How about YOU?!\" The husband was pretty irritated by now, & yells back, \"Sure, once a day! But ask the auctioneer if they were all with the same cow!!\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Family, Parents", + "output": "This women goes into labor.They rush to the hospital.When they are there, the doctor comes in and tells the husband about the new invention they have He says, \"This machine right here makes it easier for the women to have a kid. You strap this to your wrist and the father of the child will feel the pain.Want to give it a try?\"\"Sure, why not.\"So they strap it to his wrist.\"We are going to turn it up to 30% to begin with.\"So they do and the guy feels nothing so they turn it up to 50%.He still can't feel anything so they turn it up to 75%.The guy still feels nothing so they turn it all the way up.The lady has the kid.\"Man, I didn't feel a thing,\" said the guy.\"Ya, me either.\" Said the wife.Later that day the wife and husband go home.When they get home, they find the milk man dead on the back porch." + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Miscellaneous", + "output": "An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%.The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, \"Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again.\"To which the gentleman said, \"Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Miscellaneous", + "output": "The newly born sperm was receiving instructions in conception from the instructor\"As soon as you hear the siren, run for the tunnel and swim in a straight line until you get to the entrance of a damp cavern. At the end of the cavern you will find a red, sticky ball which is the egg. Address it and say, \"I'm a Sperm.\" She will answer, \"I'm the Egg.\" From that moment on you will work together to create the embryo. \"Do you understand?\" The sperm nodded affirmatively and the instructor said, \"Then, good luck!\"Two days later, the sperm was taking a nap when he heard the siren. He woke up immediately and ran to the tunnel. A multitude of sperm swam behind him. He knew he had to arrive first. When he was near the entrance to the cavern, he looked back and saw he was far ahead. Then he was able to swim at a slower pace until he reached the red, sticky ball.When, at last, he reached the red, sticky ball, he brightened up, smiled and said \"Hi, I'm a sperm.\"The red sticky ball smiled and said, \"Hi, I'm a tonsil.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Miscellaneous", + "output": "A professor giving a talk to a multinational audience tells a joke about the Germans. Someone at the back of the hall jumps up and protests angrily: \"I'm German!\" \"OK\", says the speaker \"I'll say it again - slowly\"." + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Holidays", + "output": "A couple are coming back from their holidays and they're trying to work out how they're going to smuggle the Skunk they picked up for a very reasonable price at Skunks-R-Us through Customs. The husband suddenly comes up with an idea. He turns to his wife and says \"Put it down the front of your knickers\".The wife looks shocked and asks \"What about the smell?\"\"Well,\" exclaimes the husband \"If it dies, it dies!\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Family, Parents", + "output": "\"I can't go on like this!\" the woman bawled at her husband. \"My mother sends us money, my sister buys our kids clothes, and my aunt brings us food. I'm so ashamed.\" \"You should be!\" replied the never-do-well. \"Your uncles don't give us a damn thing.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Crazy Jokes", + "output": "A woman takes her 16-year-old daughter to the doctor. The doctor says, \"Okay, Mrs. Smith, what's the problem?\" The mother says, \"It's my daughter Lynda. She keeps getting these cravings, she's putting on weight, and is sick most mornings.\" The doctor gives Lynda a good examination, then turns to the mother and says, \"Well, I don't know how to tell you this, but your Lynda is pregnant - about 4 months, would be my guess.\" The mother says, \"Pregnant?! She can't be, she has never ever been left alone with a man! Have you, Lynda?\" Lynda says, \"No mother! I've never even kissed a man!\" The doctor walked over to the window and just stares out it. About five minutes pass and finally the mother says, \"Is there something wrong out there doctor?\" The doctor replies, \"No, not really, it's just that the last time anything like this happened, a star appeared in the east and three wise men came over the hill. I'll be darned if I'm going to miss it this time!\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Miscellaneous", + "output": "2 New Zealanders board a QANTAS flight. Later on an Aussie comes along and sits next to them and kicks off his shoes. The New Zealander closest to the window says \"I might have a coke,\" and the Aussie says \" No trubs mate.\" While the Aussies away the New Zealander spits in his shoe. When the Aussie comes back, the other New Zealander says \" I might have a coke too.\" So the Aussie goes \" Alright,\" and walks off to get him a coke. While he's away the New Zealander spits in the other shoe. When the plane lands the Aussie puts on his shoes and knows exactly what has happened and says \" How long does this rivalry have to go on. Spitting in shoes and pissing in cokes!\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Miscellaneous", + "output": "On the first day of University, the Dean addressed the students, pointing out some of the rules: \"The female Halls will be out-of-bounds for all male students, and the male Halls to the female students. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined twenty pounds the first time.\" He continued, \"Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined sixty pounds. Being caught a third time will cost you a fine of one hundred and eighty pounds. Are there any questions?\" A male student in the crowd inquired: \"How much for a season pass?\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Miscellaneous", + "output": "A man playing on a new golf course got confused as to what hole he was on. He saw a lady playing ahead of him. He walked up to her and asked if she knew what hole he was playing. She replied, \"I'm on the 7th hole,and you're a hole behind me, so you must be on the 6th hole.\" He thanked her and went back to his golf. On the back nine, the same thing happened, and he approached the lady again with the same request. She said, \"I'm on the 14th, you are a hole behind me, so you must be on the 13th.\" Once again he thanked her. He finished his round and went into the club house and saw the lady sitting at the end of the bar. He went up to her and said, \"Let me buy you a drink to show my appreciation for your help.\" He started a conversation and asked her what kind of work she did. She said she was in sales, and he said he was in sales also. He asked what she sold. She replied, \"If I told you, you would only laugh.\" \"No, I wouldn't,\" he said. She said, \"I sell tampons.\" With that he fell on the floor laughing hysterically. She said, \"See, I knew you would laugh.\" \"That's not what I'm laughing at,\" he replied. \"I'm a toilet paper salesman, so I'm STILL one hole behind you!\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Idiots", + "output": "Once upon a time there was a famous sea captain. This captain was very successful at what he did; for years he guided merchant ships all over the world. Never did stormy seas or pirates get the best of him. He was admired by his crew and fellow captains. However, there was one thing different about this captain. Every morning he went through a strange ritual. He would lock himself in his captain's quarters and open a small safe. In the safe was an envelope with a piece of paper inside. He would stare at the paper for a minute, then lock it back up. After, he would go about his daily duties. For years this went on, and his crew became very curious. Was it a treasure map? Was it a letter from a long lost love? Everyone speculated the contents of the strange envelope. One day the captain died at sea. After laying the captain's body to rest, the first mate led the entire crew into the captains quarters. He opened the safe, got the envelope, opened it and... The first mate turned pale and showed the paper to the others. Four words were on the paper, two on two lines: \"Port is Left, Starboard is Right.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Miscellaneous", + "output": "An elderly man and his wife showed up at a doctors office for an appointment for the old man. Once in the office,the doctor tells the old man he needs a urine sample, as stool sample, and a sperm sample. Now the old man, being hard of hearing asks his wife,\"What, what did he say?\" At which time his wife yells in his ear, \"He wants to see your underwear\"." + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Animals", + "output": "A dog walks into an employment agency and says \"I'd like to get a job please.\". The guy at the employment agency says \"Wow, you could easily get a job at the circus with your talents.\" The dog replys \"What would the circus want with a plumber?\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Family, Parents", + "output": "Three sons left home, went out on their own and prospered. Getting back together, they discussed the Christmas gifts they were able to give their elderly mother. The first said, \"I built a big house for our mother.\" The second said, \"I sent her a Mercedes with a driver.\" The third smiled and said, \"I've got you both beat. You remember how mom enjoyed reading the Bible? And you know she can't see very well.So I sent her a remarkable parrot that recites the entire Bible. Ittook elders in the church 12 years to teach him. He's one of a kind.Mama just has to name the chapter and verse, and the parrot recites it.\" Soon thereafter, mom sent out her letters of thanks: \"Milton,\" she wrote one son, \"The house you built is so huge. I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house.\" \"Gerald,\" she wrote to another, \"I am too old to travel. I stay most of the time at home, so I rarely use the Mercedes. And the driver is so rude!\" \"Dearest Fred,\" she wrote to her third son, \"You have the good sense to know what your mother likes. The chicken was delicious.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Miscellaneous", + "output": "In Light of recent years bringing us high profile ,celebrity involved murder cases, namely O.J. and now Robert Blake.Hertz rental car is now offering a cut rate on the Chevy BARRETTA!" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Heaven and Hell", + "output": "There were three nuns who suddenly died.All their lives they wanted to go to heaven for when they died, and being nuns they were pretty sure that they would definitely go there. But when they died they went to the gates of heaven and they couldn't get in.They started looking at each other wondering why and suddenly they asked God why. \"Why can't we go to heaven, God, if we were good all our lives, we didn't do anything bad to disappoint you.\" \"To get into the gates of heaven,\"God replied. \"each of you have to pass the ultimate test to see how much you learned in your lifetime.If you pass the test question given you, then the bells of heaven will ring and the gate will open for you.\" So the nuns having no choice decided to follow through. So God said to the first nun, \"Tell me, who was the first person on earth?\" \"Oh, that's an easy one,\" she said.\"The first person on earth was Adam.\" Having answered it correctly the bells rang:ding! ding! ding!And the gates opened and she went in. \"Ok,\" God said to the second nun.\"Who was the first woman on earth?\" \"Oh, that's an easy one.The first woman on earth was Eve.\" Ding! Ding! Ding!The gates open and she goes in. Finally God asked the third nun a question. \"Ok, what was the first thing Eve said to Adam?\" The nun thought a while and she said, \"Uhh. . . That's a hard one. . .\" Ding!Ding!Ding!The gates open. . . ." + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Miscellaneous", + "output": "Billy Bob and Lester were talking one afternoon when Billy Bob tells Lester, \"Ya know, I reckon I'm about ready for a vacation. Only this year I'm gonna do it a little different. The last few years, I took your suggestions as to where to go. Three years ago you said to go to Hawaii. I went to Hawaii and Marie got pregnant. Then two years ago, you told me to go to the Bahamas, and Marie got pregnant again. Last year you suggested Tahiti and darned if Marie didn't get pregnant again.\" Lester asks Billy Bob, \"So, what you gonna do this year that's different?\" Billy Bob says, \"This year I'm taking Marie with me.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Miscellaneous", + "output": "Halloween Party A couple was invited to a masked Halloween Party. She got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone. He, being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed, and there was no need of his good time being spoiled by not going. So he took his costume and away he went. The wife, after sleeping soundly for one hour, awakened without pain, and as it was still early, she decided to go to the party. In as much as her husband did not know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him. She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice chick he could, and a little kiss here, a little kiss there and sometimes a little bit more. His wife sidled up to him and being a rather seductive woman herself, he left his partner high and dry and devoted his time to the new stuff that had just arrived. She let him go as far as he wished; naturally, since he was her husband. Finally he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the neighbouring rooms and did something which she would only allow her husband to do. She was quite upset afterwards because her husband could not know that she was his wife. She slipped away and went home and put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make for his behaviour. She was sitting up reading when he came in and asked what kind of a time he had. He said, \"Oh, you know I never have a good time when you are not there.\" Then she asked, \"Did you dance much?\" He replied, \"I did not dance at all. When I got there I met Pete, Bill, John and some other guys, so we went into the den and played poker all evening. But the chap I lent my costume told me that he had a glorious evening.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Miscellaneous", + "output": "Fellow orders a triple whisky at the bar and stikes up a conversation with the landlord.Fellow: I shouldn't drink this with what I've Got!Landlord: Why what have you got?Fellow: Fifty Pence!" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Miscellaneous", + "output": "These three guys escape from Alcatraz prison. One is british, one is American, and the last one is Turkish. But now they're bored and so they're wandering around thinking of something to do. \"Let's play golf.\" The American finally says. \"I don't know how to play that.\" The Turk says. \"Oh it's easy, \" answers the Brit, \"all you need is a ball, a stick, and a hole.\" \"I got the ball, \" says the American, \"I got the stick, \" says the Brit Then the Turk says, \"I don't wanna play.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Miscellaneous", + "output": "There are three blondes walking through the woods, and they come upon a set of tracks.The first blonde says \"Those are deer tracks.\"The second blonde says \"No, those are bear tracks.\"The third blonde says \"You are both wrong, those are moose tracks.\"Then the get hit by a train." + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Miscellaneous", + "output": "An Irish guy gets home early from work and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom. He rushes upstairs to find his wife naked on the bed, sweating and panting. \"What's up ?\" he says. \"I'm having a heart attack\", cries the woman. He rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as he's dialling, his 4 year old son comes up and says, \"Daddy, Daddy, Uncle Mick's hiding in your wardrobe and he's got no clothes on !\" The guy slams down the phone and storms upstairs into the bedroom past his screaming wife and rips open the wardrobe door. Sure enough, there's his brother, totally naked cowering on the wardrobe floor. \"You bastard\", says the husband, \"my wife's having a heart attack and you're running around with no clothes on scaring the kids!\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Miscellaneous", + "output": "This guy is cruising at about 90 mph on the highway when a cop flicks on his siren. The guy starts to speed up and so the cop starts to chase him. They get to 120, then 130, and finally 140 mph when all of a sudden the guy stops and pulls over.The cop went up to the guy's window and says \"if you can give me one GOOD reason for trying to outrun me I'll let you go.\" The guy looks at him and says \"Listen, my wife ran off with a cop last week and I thought you where trying to give her back\"The cop looks at the guy and says \"Alright sir you have a nice day.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Business", + "output": "A company manager was told one day that he had to make one of his staff redundant. He decided that he could probably afford to get rid of either Jack or Jill as they performed similar roles. He decided that over the next few days he would see who was the better worker. Jack came in on time every day, worked hard, did a good job and left work late. Jill came in late, talked half the day, worked half-heartedly and left early. After a few days the boss called Jill into his office. Jill had come in late that morning and looked hungover. The boss said.. \"This is difficult to say, Jill. I have had to make a decision as to whether to lay you or Jack off.\" \"Well you had better jack off\", said Jill, \"because I have a headache.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Miscellaneous", + "output": "Two young lovers go up to the mountains for a romantic week vacation. When they get there, the guy goes out to chop some wood. When he gets back, he says, \"Honey, my hands are freezing!\" She says, \"Well put them here between my legs and that will warm them up.\" After lunch he goes back out to chop some more wood and comes back and says again, \"Man! My hands are really freezing!\" She says again, \"Well put them here between my legs and that will warm them up.\" He does, and again that warms him up. After dinner, he goes out one more time to chop wood for the night. When he returns, he again says,\"Honey,my hands are really freezing!\" She looks at him and says. For crying out loud,... don't your ears ever get cold?!?!?\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Sex", + "output": "A guy went into this bar and saw this man with a shrunken head. Amazed, he goes up to him and asks how it happened.\"I was a sailor who was shipwrecked on an deserted island\" he replies. \"When I was on the island, I saw this woman who looked like she was drowning, so I saved her. She turned out to be this beautiful enchanted mermaid and she offered me three wishes as payment. My first wish was to get off the island and back home. No sooner than I asked did we end up back at my house. My next wish was for money. The next thing you know, my house was filled with bills of all denominations. I couldn't have been happier. When she reminded me of my final wish, all I could think of was how beautiful she was. I wished to make love to her.She told me that it was impossible, seeing how she was a mermaid and all. So I said 'Well, how about a little head?'\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Sex", + "output": "A businessman boards a flight and is seated next to a gorgeous woman. He notices she is reading a manual about sexual statistics. He asks her about it and she replies, \"This is a very interesting book. It says that American Indians have the longest members and Polish men have the biggest diameter members. By the way, my name is Jill. What's yours?\" \"Tonto Stempowski, nice to meet you.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Medical", + "output": "Fred was in the hospital, near death, so the family sent for his pastor. As the pastor stood beside the bed, Fred's frail condition grew worse, and he began to flail about as he tried to speak. Being unable to do so, he then motioned frantically for something to write on. The priest, keeping watch at the side of his bed leaned quietly over and asked, \"Do you have something you would like to say?\" Fred nodded to the affirmative, and the priest handed him a pad and pen. \"I know you can't speak, but use this to write a note, and I will give it to your wife. She's waiting just outside.\" Gathering his last ounce of strength, Fred took them and scrawled his message upon the pad which he stuffed into the priest's hands. Then, moments later, he died. The pastor thought it best not to look at the note just then, so he slipped it into his jacket pocket. After administering the last rites, the priest left to break the sad news to the wife. Several days later, at the funeral, the pastor delivered the eulogy. He realized that he was wearing the same jacket that he'd worn the day Fred died. \"You know,\" he said, \"Old Fred handed me a note just before he died. I haven't read it yet, but knowing Fred, I'm sure there's a word of inspiration there for us all.\" He unfolded the note and proceeded to read aloud, \"YOU'RE STANDING ON THE OXYGEN TUBE!!\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Family, Parents", + "output": "There was this guy who decided he wanted to live with his gay friends in a nudest colony and so he up and quit his job, and moved. He was really happy until he got a letter from his grandma. She told him he was about to die and wanted a picture of him. He got his friend to take a picture of him, and sice he had no clothes, he cut the picture in half. A few weeks later he received another letter from his grandma telling him he needed to get a haircut because it made his nose look long.... he soon realized he had sent her the wrong half." + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Money", + "output": "There's this English couple, Irish couple and Scottish couple playing golf.The Englishman's wife steps up to the tee and as she bends over to place her ball a gust of wind blows her skirt up and reveals her lack of underwear. \"Good God! Why aren't you wearing any knickers?\" her husband demanded. \"Well, you don't give me enough housekeeping money to afford to buy any.\" The Englishman immediately reaches into his pocket and says,\"For the sake of decency here's 50 pounds, go and buy yourself some underwear.\"Next the Irishman's wife bends over to set her ball on the tee. Her skirt blows up to show that she is wearing no undies. \"Bejesus woman. You've no knickers - why not?\" She replies, \"I can't afford any on the money you give me.\" He reaches into his pocket and says, \"For the sake of decency here's 20 pounds, go and buy yourself some underwear!\" Lastly, the Scotsman's wifebends over. The wind also takes her skirt over her head to reveal that she too is naked under it. \"Hoot, lassie! Why d'ye have no knickers?\" She too explains, \"You don't give me enough housekeeping money to be able to afford any.\" The Scot reaches into his pocket and says, \"For the sake of decency here's a comb. Tidy yourself up a bit!\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Money", + "output": "Two bored casino dealers are waiting at a craps table. A very attractive redhead comes in and wants to bet twenty-thousand dollars on a single roll of the dice. She says, \"I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm bottomless.\" With that she strips naked from the waist down, and rolls the dice while yelling, \"Momma needs a new pair of pants!\" She then begins jumping up and down and hugging each of the dealers. \"YES! I WIN! I WIN!\" With that she picks up her money and clothes and quickly leaves. The dealers just stare at each other dumbfounded. Finally one of them asks, \"What did she roll anyway?\" The other answers, \"I thought YOU were watching!\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Family, Parents", + "output": "A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement. He is so proud of himself that he starts calling his wife \"Mother of Six\" in spite of her objections. One night they go to a party. The man decides that it's time to go home, and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well. He shouts at the top of his voice, 'Shall we go home now Mother of Six?\" His wife, irritated by her husbands lack of discretionshouts back... \"Anytime you're ready, Father of Four!\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Miscellaneous", + "output": "A young man wanted to get his beautiful blonde wife something nice for their first wedding anniversary. So he decides to buy her a cell phone. She is all excited, she loves her phone. He shows her and explains to her all the features on the phone. The next day the blonde goes shopping. Her phone rings and it's her husband, \"Hi hon,\" he says. \"How do you like your new phone?\" She replies, \"I just love it, it's so small and your voice is clear as a bell but there's one thing I don't understand though.\" \"What's that, baby?\" asks the husband. \"How did you know I was at WalMart?\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Family, Parents", + "output": "A mother had three daughters and, on their wedding, she tells each one of them to write back about their marriage life. To avoid possible embarrassment to their new husbands by openly discussing their love lives, the mother and daughters agree to using newspaper advertisements as a \"code\" to let the mother know how their love lives are going. The first one gets married and the second day the letter arrives with a single message, simply: \"MAXWELL COFFEE HOUSE\" Mother got the newspaper and checked the Maxwell Coffee House advertisement, and it says: \"Satisfaction to the last drop...\" So, Mother is happy. Then the second daughter gets married. After a week, there was a message that reads: \"ROTHMAN'S MATTRESSES\". So, the Mother looks at the Rothman's Mattresses ad, and it says: \"FULL SIZE, KING SIZE\" And Mother is happy. Then it was the third one's wedding. Mother was anxious. After four weeks came the message: \"BRITISH AIRWAYS\" And mother looks into the British Airways ad, but this time she fainted. The ad reads: \"THREE TIMES A DAY, SEVEN DAYS A WEEK, BOTH WAYS.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Miscellaneous", + "output": "A man moved to an unfamaliar area and was very lonely.So he decides to buy some pets.He went walking into town and noticed a man selling chickens.He went up to the man and said: \"I'll take one hen and one rooster.\" The man gladly sold him the birds but warned: \"Sure sir, but just be advised we call them cocks and pullets around here, not roosters and hens.\" The man joyfully left with his two new pets and decided to buy one more.So he came up to a man selling donkeys. \"I'll take that donkey\" he said, pointing a particularly healthy looking donkey. \"Sure sir, but first of all we call them asses around here, not donkeys, and this particular one is pecuilar.She will stop walking after a while, but if she does, just scratch her on the back and she will start back up again.\" So the man bought the donkey and went on his way home.Sure enough, the donkey stopped walking after a while.The man had his hands full with the birds, so he couldn't scratch her.Luckily, a woman walked by.The man looked at her and smiled saying: \"Will you please hold my cock and pull it while I scratch my ass!\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Miscellaneous", + "output": "There was this Scotsman who took a well deserved vacation in the German city of Hamburg. Since Hamburg is very known for having many whorehouses, the Scotsman decided he should pay one a visit. He finally arrived at one of the local pleasure houses, the Scotsman started arguing about the price for a good lay. The Scots are as you probably know, not known as big spenders. Finally the madame got tired of arguing and told the Scotsman to go down in the basement where a girl would be lying. For this he only had to pay 5 DM. The Scotsman, of course, became very happy and went down in the basement which was very dark, but he found his lay in the end.After about twenty minutes the Scotsman came up from the basement and the madame asked him about his experience. The Scotsman replied that girl was okay, but she spat in his face every time he was jumping her bones.The Madame then turned and shouted: \"Janitor, the corpse in the basement is full.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Heaven and Hell", + "output": "An Englishman, a New Zealander and a South African walk into a bar for a drink. The Kiwi orders a round of Tequila Slammers for the group.They slam and down their drinks in one.The Kiwi then picks the glasses up in one hand and throws them in the air. He draws a pistol and shoots the three glasses before they hit the ground.The Englishman asks \"Why did you do that?\"The Kiwi replies that because they have so much sand in New Zealand it's easy making glasses so they never have to use the same one twice.The South African then orders three Tequila Slammers and they each slam and down their drink.The South African then picks the glasses up, throws them in the air, draws his gun and shoots them before they hit the ground.The Englishman asks why he did it and like the Kiwi explains that there is so much sand in South Africa that glass can be easily made which means never having to drink out of the same glass twice.So the Englishman orders three Tequila Slammers. Each one duly is slammed and downed. The Englishman then pulls out his gun and shoots the Kiwi and the South African.A man runs up and asks \"Why the hell did you shoot them?\" He replies \"Well I'm from Earls Court where there are thousands of 'em. So it means I never have to drink with the same ones twice.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Holidays", + "output": "One day little Johnny went to his father, and asked him if he could buy him a $200 bicycle for his birthday. Johnny's father said, \"Johnny, we have a $80,000 mortgage on the house, and you want me to buy you a bicycle? Wait until Christmas.\" Christmas came around, and Johnny asked again.The father said, \"Well, the mortgage is still extremely high, sorry about that. Ask me again some other time.\" Well, a couple of days later, the boy was seen walking out of the house with all his belongings in a suitcase. His father asked him why he was leaving and the boy said, \"Yesterday I was walking past your room, and I heard you say that you were pulling out, and mommy said that you should wait because she was coming too, and DAMN if I'll get stuck with an $80,000 mortgage!\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Heaven and Hell", + "output": "Freddie Mercury, Gianni Versace and Princess Di arrive at the Pearly gates.St Peter explains that only one can get through and that they each have to put forward their case for entry.Freddie says \"I know I haven't led a perfect life and I've made some mistakes along the way, but I've made some of the most beautiful music in the world. I'll stand at the back of heaven, and serenade everybody with my wondrous songs, making heaven a far happier place to be\"\"Pretty good, Fred\" said St Peter, \"what about you Gianni?\"Versace says, \"I make the most beautiful clothes in the world. I'll completely redesign the fashions up here, from the archangels to the cherubs to the choirboys. As you well know Pete if you look good you will feel good and that will make heaven a much happier place\"\"Not bad\" says St Peter. \"What about you Di?\"Diana doesn't say a word, instead she lifts up her skirt and pulls down her knickers, inserts a full bottle of Evian water into her arse, lets the water shoot up inside her and then gush out all over the floor.\"Excellent, you're in\" says St Peter\"Hold on a f*cking minute\" says Freddie \"She didn't even say anything\"\"Bo!!ocks, Fred you know the rules\" says St Peter, \"A royal flush beats a pair of Queens every time....\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Marriage", + "output": "An American couple was sitting outside a souvenir shop in the desert, waiting for their tour bus. A local salesman approached them. After an impassioned sales pitch yielded no results, the salesman eyed the wife thoughtfully. \"I'll give you 100 camels for your wife,\" he offered. The husband looked stunned, and there was an awkward silence. Finally he replied, \"She's not for sale.\" \"What took you so long to answer?\" the wife cried indignantly as soon as the salesman left. \"Well,\" her husband replied, \"I was trying to figure out how to get 100 camels back home.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Miscellaneous", + "output": "To prepare for his big date, the young man went on top of the roof of his apartment building in order to get a little colour for himself. Not wanting any tan lines to show he sunbathed in the nude. Unfortunately, the young man fell asleep while on the roof and managed to get sunburned on his\"tool of trade\". Being very determined the young man decided not to miss his date because it was with a hot blonde. So, he put some lotion on his manhood and wrapped it in gauze, feeling this should resolve his painful situation. The blonde showed up for the date at his apartment, and the young Man treated her to a home-cooked dinner, after which they went into the living room to watch a movie. During the movie, however, the young man's sunburn started acting up. After several minutes of extreme discomfort he asked to be excused, went to the kitchen, and poured a tall, cold glass of milk. He then placed his sunburned member in the milk and experienced immediate relief from his pain. The blonde, however, wondering what he was doing, wandered into the kitchen to find him with his unit immersed in a glass of milk. Baffled, the blonde exclaimed, \"So, THAT'S how you load those things!\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Miscellaneous", + "output": "A blonde had just bought two horses but she couldn’t tell them apart. She went and asked a neighbour for some help \"I can't tell these horses apart\" she said.The neighbour told her to cut the tail of one of them off. So the blonde cut off the tail, and that worked great until the other one got it's tail cut off too. So, the blonde goes and tells the neighbour \"I can’t tell them apart again!”.Well says the neighbour “Try cutting off the tip of one of the horses ears.” So the blonde cuts off the tip of the ear. That also worked great until the other one got a part of it's ear cut off. The Blonde goes back to the neighbour and tells him what happened. The neighbour says well measure them that will work for sure. It worked a treat since the white one was 6 inches taller than the black one!" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Miscellaneous", + "output": "There was a really clever blonde, Tinkerbell, Santa Claus and a really clever brunette all in a competition to win a million Pounds. The question is \"Which one won it?\"The really clever brunette cos none of the others exist." + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Old Age", + "output": "A rich, lonely widow decided that she needed another man in her life, so she placed a personal ad that read: RICH WIDOW LOOKING FOR MAN TO SHARE LIFE AND FORTUNE WITH THE FOLLOWING QUALIFICATIONS: 1. WON'T BEAT ME UP 2. WON'T RUN AWAY 3. HAS TO BE GREAT IN BED For several months, her phone rang off the hook, her doorbell was ringing constantly, she received tons of mail, etc., all to no avail. None of the men seemed to meet her qualifications. Then one day the doorbell rang yet again. She opened the door to find a man, with no arms and no legs, lying on the welcome mat. Perplexed, she asked, 'Who are you and what do you want?' 'Hi,' said the man 'Your search is over, for I am the man of your dreams. I've got no arms, so I can't beat you up and I've got no legs, so I can't run away.' The old woman asked, 'What makes you think you're so great in bed?' To which he replied, 'I rang the doorbell, didn't I?'" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "State Jokes", + "output": "Two cowboys from Texas walk into a roadhouse to wash the trail dust from their throats. They stand at the bar, drinking a beer and talking about current cattle prices. Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough.After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress. One of the cowboys looks at herand says,\"Kin ya swaller?\" The woman shakes herhead, no. \"Kin ya breathe?\" The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head. The cowboy walks over to the woman, lifts up the backof her dress, yanks down her panties and slowly runs his tongue from the back of her thigh up to the small of her back. The woman is so shocked, that she has a violent spasm and the obstruction flies out of her mouth. As she begins to breathe again, the cowboywalks slowly back to the bar and takes a drink from his beer. His partner says, \"Ya know, I'd heard of that there \"Hind Lick maneuver\", but I ain't never seen nobody do it before.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Miscellaneous", + "output": "Little Mary was not the best student in Sunday school. Usually she slept through class. One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, \"Tell me, Mary, who created the universe?\"When Mary didn't stir, little Johnny, an altruistic boy seated behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. \"God Almighty!!\" shouted Mary and the teacher said, \"Very good\", and Mary fell back asleep.A while later the teacher asked Mary, \"Who is our Lord and Savior?\" But, Mary didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. \"Jesus Christ!!\" shouted Mary and the teacher said, \"Very good\", and Mary fell back asleep.Then the teacher asked Mary a third question. \"What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?\" And again Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time Mary jumped up and shouted, \"If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!!\" The teacher fainted." + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Holidays", + "output": "A woman went to a tattoo parlor. The artist was curious at her unsual request: A turkey on one leg and a ham on the other. The woman looked at the artist and said\"My husband complains there is nothing good to eat between Thanksgiving and Christmas!\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Ethnic Jokes", + "output": "There was a construction foreman looking for laborers, he posted an add in the local newspaper a short time later a stout Norweigan man named Bjorn showed up an said \"Herlo job foreman sir, when do I start the yob?\".Knowing the Norweigan was probably dumb as a post he decided to test the lad so he told the man \"without using any numbers I want you to make nine\" the Norweigan looked around and picked up a stick and proceeded to draw three trees in the dirt, \"there ya go job foreman guy when do I start?\"Annoyed, the forman replied \"How do you figure that makes nine?\" \"Well tree plus tree plus tree makes nine.\", \"Yeah, okay smart guy,\" retorted the foreman, \"now without using any numbers make ninety nine.\" So without skipping a beat, the Norweigan grabbed, a shovel and scooped up some mud and proceeded to drop a dollop of mud on each tree, \"there ya go foreman guy when do I start?\"Infuriated at this point that the man was so quick, he asked \"How's that ninety nine?\" \"Well ya see, dirty tree plus dirty tree plus dirty tree isa ninety nine.\" \"Make one hundred\" demanded the foreman, positive that there was no way neandrathal Norweigan could oblige. Once again the man used the shovel this time scooping up a pile of dog poop, evenly dropping a bit under each tree, \"OK! job foreman guy, where do you want me to be startin first?\"\"Alright wise-guy, explain how the heck is that to make 100?\" \"Okay,\" said the witty Norweigan, \"dirty tree and a tird plus dirty tree and a tird plus dirty tree and a tird dat makes 100!\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Animals", + "output": "On the local rock radio station the DJ was reading out some requests. \"This is a special birthday dedication to Sarah who's one hundred and eleven!\" Puzzled by how someone could be that old and listening to rock music, he re-read the message on the sheet of paper in front of him, and then said \"Oh, sorry, I read that wrong; it's a special birthday dedication to Sarah who's ill.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Business", + "output": "A nerdy-looking fellow shuffled timidly into the sales manager's office. \"I don't suppose you want to buy any life insurance?\" he asked hesitantly. \"No, I don't.\" \"That's what I figured. Well, thanks anyway.\" And he turned and made gratefully for the door. \"Hang on a sec, young man,\" the executive called out. \"You know, I've worked with salespeople all my life, and I have to say that was the most pathetic sales pitch I've ever encountered. You have to have confidence, my boy. Shoulders back, look the customer in the eye, believe in yourself! In fact, just to give you a little boost, I'll give you a sale right now. Write me up for that policy after all.\" \"Thank you, sir, ever so much,\" said the salesman gratefully, presenting him with the papers. The sales manager signed with a flourish. \"And now that you're feeling more confident, you should learn some tricks of the trade.\" \"Quite right sir, good idea,\" said the salesman, grinning; \"Always useful. Actually, the one I used just now is for sales managers.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Family, Parents", + "output": "A budding actor: \"Dad guess what? I've got my first part in a , I play the part of a man who has been maried for 25 years.\" Father: \"That's a good start son, just keep at it and one of these days you'll get a speaking part.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Miscellaneous", + "output": "An architect, an artist and an Accountant were discussing whether it was better to spend time with the wife or a mistress.The architect said he enjoyed time with his wife, building a solid foundation for an enduring relationship.The artist said he enjoyed time with his mistress because of the passion and mystery he found there.The Accountant guy said \"I like both.\"\"Both?\" The others asked. The Accountant guy replied \"Yeah. If you have a wife and a mistress, they will each assume you are spending time with the other woman, and you can go to the office and get some work done.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Miscellaneous", + "output": "This couple goes to an agricultural show way out in the countryside a fine Sunday afternoon, & are watching the auctioning off of bulls. The guy selling the bulls announces the first bull to be auctioned off: \"A fine specimen, this bull reproduced 60 times last year.\" The wife nudges her husband in the ribs, & comments, \"See! That was more than 5 times a month!\" The second bull is to be sold: \"Another fine specimen, this wonder reproduced 120 times last year.\" Again the wife bugs her husband, \"Hey, that's some 10 times a month. What do YOU say to that?!\" Her husband is getting really annoyed with this comparison. The third bull is up for sale: \"And this extraordinary specimen reproduced 365 times last year!\" The wife slaps her husband on the arm and yells, \"That's once a day, every day of the year! How about YOU?!\" The husband was pretty irritated by now, & yells back, \"Sure, once a day! But ask the auctioneer if they were all with the same cow!!\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Miscellaneous", + "output": "A duck walks into a bar and says, \"Got any bread?\" The barman says \"No.\" The duck says,\"Got any bread?\" The barman says \"NO!\" \"Got any bread?\" \"I said N-O, NO!\" \"Got any bread?\" \"For crying out loud - N-O spells NO, and I mean NO!\" \"Got any bread?\" \"NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO\" \"Got any bread?\" \"Look, if you ask me one more f**king time if I have got any bread, I'm going to nail your f**king beak to the f**king bar!\" \"Got any nails?\" \"No\" \"Got any bread?\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Religious", + "output": "A Jewish man moved into a strict Catholic neighborhood. Every Friday, the Catholics practically went crazy. While they were eating fish, the Jew was in his backyard barbecuing steaks. So, the Catholics finally decided to try and convert the Jew to Christianity. Finally, by long endurance, the Catholics succeeded. They took the Jew to a priest who sprinkled holy water on him and said, \"Born a Jew, raised a Jew, now a Catholic.\" The Catholics were ecstatic. No more delicious, but maddening smells every Friday evening! But the following Friday, the scent of barbecued steak wafted through the neighborhood. The Catholics all rushed to the Jew's house to remind him of his new diet. They found him standing over the sizzling steak, knife in one hand, his other hand dipped in a glass of water. He sprinkled water over the meat, saying, \"Born a cow, raised a cow, now a fish!\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Miscellaneous", + "output": "Two men are standing before a judge. Both men were arrested on the same day and given the assignment to devise a program to prevent others from committing crimes. After spending two days in jail they were ask to present their ideas to the judge.The first man holds up a poster displaying two circles,one smaller than the other. He points to the small circle and says, \"This is the amount of citizens who do not commit crimes. Then, pointing to the larger circle he explains \"This is the amount that do. I will tell people if they commit crimes they will have to endure an overcrowded jail.\"The second man grabs the poster and pointing to the smaller circle says, \"I'll tell men this is your butt before jail.\"Then he points to the large circle saying.\"This is it after.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Sex", + "output": "A man went to church to confess to the priest.The priest says,\"what do you need to confess?\" The man tells him,\"well during the war I hid a German lady in my closet and they never found her.\" The priest say,\"well that's alright you saved her life, do you have anything else to confess?\" The man tells the priest,\"yes, I told her the only way I would hid her is only for sexual favors.\" The priest tells him,\"You know you did wrong there, right.\" The man says,\"yes.\" The priest ask him,\"is that all?\" The man says,\"no,I need to ask you a question.\" The preist says,\"what is it?\" The man says to the priest,\"Do I have to tell her the war is over?\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Heaven and Hell", + "output": "Three ducks go to heaven.The first duck waddles up to St. Peter and St. peter asks \"What happened, you know, how did you die?\" The duck replies, \"I was just minding my own buisness, floatin' along in the water, i stuck my head under, started blowin' bubbles and a boat ran over my back.\" St. Peter lets him into heaven. The second duck walks up and St peter asks the duck the same question, \"What happened?\" The duck replies, \"Same thing here, i was just minding my ouwn buisness, floatin' in the water, stuck my head under the water, started blowin' bubbles, then a boat runs over my back.\" St. Peter lets him into heaven. The third duck walks up and St. Peter asks, \"Let me guess, a boat ran you over?\" The duck shakes his head and replies, \"Nope, I'm Bubbles\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Miscellaneous", + "output": "A man is stranded on a desert island, all alone for ten years. One day, he sees a speck in the horizon. He thinks to himself, \"It's not a ship.\" The speck gets a little closer and he thinks, \"It's not a boat.\" The speck gets even closer and he thinks, \"It's not a raft.\" Then, out of the surf comes this gorgeous blonde woman, wearing a wet suit and scuba gear. She comes up to the guy and she says, \"How long has it been since you've had a cigarette?\". \"Ten years!\" he says. She reaches over, unzips a waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and pulls out a pack of fresh cigarettes. He takes one, lights it, takes a long drag and says, \"Man, oh man! Is that good!\" Then she asks, \"How long has it been since you've had a drink of whiskey?\". He replies, \"Ten years!\" She reaches over, unzips her waterproof pocket on the right, pulls out a flask and gives it to him. He takes a long swig and says, \"Wow, that's fantastic!\" Then she starts unzipping this long zipper that runs down the front of her wet suit and she says to him, \"And how long has it been since you've had some REAL fun?\" And the man replies, \"My God! Don't tell me you've got an internet connection in there!\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Miscellaneous", + "output": "A blonde tried to sell her old car. She was having a lot of problems selling it, because the car had 250,000 miles on it. One day, she spoke about her problem with a brunette she worked with at a salon. The brunette told her, \"There is a possibility to make the car easier to sell, but it's not legal.\" \"That doesn't matter,\" replied the blonde, \"as long as I can sell the car.\" \"Okay,\" said the brunette. \"Here is the address of a friend of mine. He owns a car repair shop. Tell him I sent you and he will turn the counter in your car back to 50,000 miles. Then it shouldn't be problem to sell it anymore.\" The following weekend, the blonde made the trip to the mechanic. About one month after that, the brunette asked the blonde, \"Did you sell your car?\" \"No,\" replied the blonde, \"why should I? It only has 50,000 miles on it.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Miscellaneous", + "output": "Four men went golfing one day. Three of them headed to the first tee and the fourth went into the clubhouse to take care of the bill.The three men started talking, bragging about their sons. The first man told the others, \"My son is a homebuilder and he is so successful that he gave a friend a new home for free.\" The second man said, \"My son was a car salesman and now he owns a multi-line dealership. He's so successful that he gave a friend a new Mercedes, fully loaded.\" The third man, not wanting to be outdone, bragged, \"My son is a stockbroker and he's doing so well that he gave his friend an entire stock portfolio.\" The fourth man joined them on the tee after a few minutes of taking care of business. The first man mentioned, \"We are just talking about our sons. How is yours doing?\" The fourth man replied, \"Well, my son is gay and dances in a gay bar. I'm not totally thrilled about the dancing job, but he must be doing good. His last three boyfriends gave him a house, a brand new Mercedes, and a stock portfolio." + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Money", + "output": "Merv was in a terrible accident at work. He fell through a floor tile and ripped off both of his ears. Since he was permanently disfigured, he settled with the company for a rather large sum of money and went on his way.One day, Merv decided to invest his money in a small, but growing telecom business called Plexus Communications. After weeks of negotiations, he bought the company outright. But, after signing on the doted line he realised that he knew nothing about running such a business and quickly set out to hire someone who could do that for him.The next day he had set up three interviews. The first guy was great. He knew everything he needed to and was very interesting. At the end of the interview, Merv asked him, \"Do you notice anything different about me?\" And the gentleman answered, \"Why yes, I couldn't help but notice you have no ears.\"Merv got very angry and threw him out.The second interview was with a woman, and she was even better than the first guy. He asked her the same question, \"Do you notice anything different about me?\" and she replied: \"Well, you have no ears.\"Merv again was upset and tossed her out.The third and last interview was the best of all three. It was with a very young man who was fresh out of college. He was smart. He was handsome and he seemed to be a better businessman than the first two put together. Merv was anxious, but went ahead and asked the young man the same question:\"Do you notice anything different about me?\" And to his surprise, the young man answered: \"Yes. You wear contact lenses.\" Merv was shocked, and said, \"What an incredibly observant young man. How in the world did you know that?\"The young man fell off his chair laughing hysterically and replied, \"Well, it's pretty damn hard to wear glasses with no ears!\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Miscellaneous", + "output": "Harold is 82 and having some prostate problems.After examining him, the doctor gives him a specimen jar and says, \"Take this home with you, and try toproduce a semen specimen. Stop by tomorrow and drop it off so I can run a few tests.\"Harold takes the jar and heads home.The next day, Harold comes in and asks to speak with the doctor.When he is taken into the office, the doctor asks how hemade out.\"Not good, Doc.\" Says Harold.\"I went home and tried to do what you said. I tried with my right hand 'til it was cramped from the arthritis...no luck. I tried with my left hand, until I had blisters...still no luck. \"Then I asked my wife to help me out, so she tried with her left hand and then with her right hand...no luck. She even tried with her mouth. She tried with her teeth in, and she tried with her teeth out...still no luck.\"Then we called Edna, next door, to see if she could help...\" \"Good Grief man!\" exclaimed the doctor,\"You asked your next door neighbour to help you?\"\"Yep.\" Says Harold, \"Couldn't none of us get the lid off that jar.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Computers", + "output": "A man goes to his doctor complaining of bad headaches.His doctor says, \"We just got this new machine.You take a urine sample and feed it into the machine, and it tells you everything that is wrong with you.\" Thinking this is pretty amazing, the man gives a sample and the doctor feeds it into the machine.It spits out a piece of paper, which the doctor reads.\"According to this, you have tennis elbow.\" \"But there's nothing wrong with my elbow,\" the man replies. \"It's my head\". The doctor gives him a specimen cup and tells him to bring in a new sample the next day, and they will try again. When he gets home, the man is angry and thinks to himself, \"I'll show that doctor.\" So he takes the dipstick from his car and puts some oil in the cup.When his wife and daughter get home, he has each of them urinate in the cup, then he finishes by The next day he goes back to the doctor and hands him the specimen.The doctor feeds it into the machine, then reads the printout. \"Well, what does it say?\", the man asks,laughing. \"According to this,\"the doctor replies,\"your car needs an oil change, your wife has crabs, your daughter is pregnant, and your tennis elbow won't get better if you keep" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Business", + "output": "A young man hired by a supermarket reported for his first day of work.The manager greeted him with a warm handshake and a smile, gave him a broom and said, \"Your first job will be to sweep out the store.\"\"But I'm a college graduate,\" the young man replied indignantly.\"Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't know that,\" said the manager. \"Here, give me the broom - I'll show you how.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Miscellaneous", + "output": "A veterinarian surgeon had a bad day, but when he got home from tending to all the sick animals, his wife was waiting with a long cool drink and a romantic candle-lit dinner. After dinner, they had a few more drinks and went happily to bed. At about 2:00 in the morning, the phone rang. \"Is this the vet?\" asked an elderly lady's voice. \"Yes, it is,\" replied the vet, \"Is this an emergency?\" \"Well, sort of,\" said the elderly lady, \"There's a whole bunch of cats on the roof outside making a terrible noise mating, and I can't get to sleep. What can I do about it?\" There was a sharp intake of breath from the vet, who then patiently replied, \"Open the window and tell them they're wanted on the phone.\" \"Really?\" said the elderly lady, \"Will that stop them?\" \"Well, it should,\" said the vet, \"It stopped ME!\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Miscellaneous", + "output": "One night, as a couple lays down for bed, the husband starts rubbing his wife's arm. The wife turns over and says: \"I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh.\" The husband,rejected, turns over. A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again. \"Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Miscellaneous", + "output": "A wife was complaining to her husband, about how less fortunate she was with her breast size. She wanted bigger boobs. Her husband simply replied: \"Rub some toliet paper on your chest, it worked with your butt\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Marriage", + "output": "A married man had a sweet young thing of a secretary and decided to take her to dinner. He called his wife to tell her that he had to 'work late' and she said, 'no problem.' After dinner they went back to her apartment and had mad sex for hours. On the way home he noticed a huge hickey on his neck. He fell into a state of panic. What was he going to tell his wife? He walked in the door and was greeted by his excited and happy dog. Ispired, he fell to the floor and pretended to fight off the affectionate dog. Holding his neck with one hand he walked into the living room and exclaimed,' Honey! Look at what the dog did to my neck!'His wife jumped up, ripped open her blouse and said, 'That's nothing, look at what he did to my breasts!'" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Money", + "output": "Two bored casino dealers are waiting at a craps table. A very attractive redhead comes in and wants to bet twenty-thousand dollars on a single roll of the dice. She says, \"I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm bottomless.\" With that she strips naked from the waist down, and rolls the dice while yelling, \"Momma needs a new pair of pants!\" She then begins jumping up and down and hugging each of the dealers. \"YES! I WIN! I WIN!\" With that she picks up her money and clothes and quickly leaves. The dealers just stare at each other dumbfounded. Finally one of them asks, \"What did she roll anyway?\" The other answers, \"I thought YOU were watching!\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Family, Parents", + "output": "Jack was going to be married to Jill, so his father sat him down for a little fireside chat. He said, \"Jack, let me tell you something. On my wedding night in our honeymoon suite, I took off my trousers and handed them to your mother, and said, 'Here - try these on.' So, she did, and said, 'These are too big,I can't wear them.'So I replied, 'Exactly. I wear the trousers in this family, and I always will.'Ever since that night, we have never had any problems.\" \"Hmmm,\" said Jack. He thought that might be a good thing to try, so on his honeymoon, Jack took off his trousers and said to Jill, \"Here, try these on.\" So she did and said, \"These are too large, they don't fit me.\" So Jack said,\"Exactly. I wear the trousers in this family, and I always will, and I don't want you to ever forget that.\" Then Jill took off her knickers and handed them to Jack and said, \"Here, you try on mine. \"So he did, and said, \"I can't get into your pants.\" So Jill said, \"Exactly. And if you don't change your attitude, you never will.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Sex", + "output": "There was this couple who always had sex for twenty years with the light off. So one night the wife says lets have sex with the light on. The husband says \"tomorrow night honey\". That night the wife turns the light on and sees her husband using a cucumber to pleasure her. she screams \"You've been using that thing for twenty years, explain it to me.\" So the husband says \"I will as soon as you explain how we have 4 children!!!!\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Miscellaneous", + "output": "TRUE BLONDEA young brunette goes into the doctors office and says that her body hurts whever she touches it. \"Impossible\", says the doctor. \"show me\".She takes her finger and pushes her elbow and screams in agony.She pushes her knee and screams, she pushes her ankle and screams and so it goes on, everywhere she touches make her scream.The doctor says, \"Your not really a brunette, are you?\"No, im a blonde, she says.\"I though so\", he says. \"Your finger is broken.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Family, Parents", + "output": "This young boy was playing with a dew worm in the yard.His grandfather watching on the porch, yells out to his grandson:\"I'll give you $5 if you can shove that worm back into the hole\".The boy grabs the slimy, slinky worm and tries to shove it in the hole. After about 5 minutes, the boy runs inside to get a can of hair spray. The young boy sprays the worm stiff, and sticks it in the hole without a problem.The grandfather, amazed, gives the boy a clean crisp 5 dollar bill.The next day, the grandfather goes over to the grandson and hands him another 5 dollar bill, to which the boy enquires \"What's this 5 dollar bill for\"?The grandfather replies, \"Your grandma though it was a pretty good trick too!\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Heaven and Hell", + "output": "It's Saturday morning and John's just about to set off on a round of golf when he realizes that he forgot to tell his wife that the guy who fixes the washing machine is coming around at noon. So John heads back to the clubhouse and phones home. \"Hello?\" says the little girl's voice. \"Hi, honey, it's Daddy,\" says John. \"Is Mommy near the phone?\" \"No, Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Fred.\" After a brief pause, John says, \"But you haven't got an Uncle Fred, honey!\" \"Yes, I do, and he's upstairs in the bedroom with Mommy!\" \"Okay, then. Here's what I want you do. Put down the phone, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout in to Mommy and Uncle Fred that my car's just pulled up outside the house.\" \"Okay, Daddy!\" A few minutes later, the little girl comes back to the phone. \"Well, I did what you said, Daddy.\" \"And what happened?\" \"Well, Mommy jumped out of bed and ran around screaming, then she tripped over the rug and went out the front window and now she's all dead.\" \"Oh, my God! What about Uncle Fred?\" \"He jumped out of bed too, and he was all scared, and he jumped out the back window into the swimming pool. But he must have forgot that last week you took out all the water to clean it, so he hit the bottom of the swimming pool and now he's dead too.\" There is a long pause................ \"Swimming pool? Is this 555-3097?”" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Family, Parents", + "output": "A mother-in-law stopped unexpectedly by the recently married couple's house. She rang the doorbell and stepped into the house. She saw her daughter-in-law standing naked by the door. \"What are you doing?\" she asked.\"I'm waiting for my husband to come home from work,\" the daughter-in-law answered.\"But you're naked!\" the mother-in-law exclaimed.\"This is my love dress,\" the daughter-in-law explained.\"Love dress? But you're naked!\"\"My husband loves me to wear this dress! It makes him happy and it makes me happy. I would appreciate it if you would leave because he will be home from work any minute.\"The mother-in-law was tired of all this romantic talk and left. On the way home she thought about the love dress. When she got home she got undressed, showered, put on her best perfume and waited by the front door.Finally her husband came home. He walked in and saw her standing naked by the door.\"What are you doing?\" he asked.\"This is my love dress,\" she replied.\"It needs ironing!\" he remarked." + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Miscellaneous", + "output": "All the good knights were leaving for the Crusades. One knight told his best friend \" My bride is without doubt one of the most beautiful women in the world. It would be a terrible waste if no man could have her. Therefore, as my best and most trusted friend, I am leaving you the key to her chastity belt to use should I not return from the Crusade.\"The company of knights were only a mile or so out of town when they noticed a cloud of dust approaching. Thinking it might be an important message from the town the column halted. A horseman approached. It was the knight's best friend. He said \" Hey, you gave me the wrong key!!\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Miscellaneous", + "output": "A man took his old duck to the Doctor, concerned because the duck wouldn't eat. The Doctor explained to the man that as ducks age their upper bills grow down over their lower bills and make it difficult for the animal to pick up it's food. \"What you need to do is gently file the upper bill down even with the lower bill. But you must be extra careful because the duck's nostrils are located in the upper bill and if you file down too far, when the duck takes a drink of water it'll drown.\" The man goes about his business and about a week later the Doctor runs into his patient. \"Well, how is that duck of yours?\" the Doctor inquires. \"He's dead.\" declared the heartbroken man. \"I told you not to file his upper bill down too far! He took a drink of water and drowned didn't he?\" insisted the Doctor. \"No.\" lamented the man. \"I think he was dead before I took him out of the vice.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Miscellaneous", + "output": "There were three women speeding dowm a country road. One was a brunette, another a redhead, and the third a blonde. A cop saw them speeding and put on his siren. The three girls pulled over, got out of the car and each climbed up a different tree to hide.The cop pulled over and tried to find them. He came to the tree where the brunette was and shook it. The brunette said \"CAW! CAW!\" \"Oh it must be a crow.\" he thought.Next he came to the tree where the redhead was hiding.\"Tweet tweet!\" she said. \"Oh it must be a sparrow\" he thought.Then he came to the tree where the blonde was hiding.The cop shook the tree and the response was \"Moooo!\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Miscellaneous", + "output": "Backup not found: (A)bort (R)etry (T)hrowupBackup not found: (A)bort (R)etry (S)oil pantsBackup not found: A)bort, (R)etry, (T)ake down entire network?Backup not found: A)bort, (R)etry, (G)et a beer?" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Family, Parents", + "output": "A young boy had just gotten his driving permit. He asked his father, who was a minister, if they could discuss his use of the car. His father said to him, \"I'll make a deal with you. You bring your grades up, study your bible a little, and get your hair cut, then we will talk about it\" A month later the boy came back and again asked his father if they could discuss his use of the car. His father said, \"Son, I'm real proud of you. You have brought your grades up, you've studied your bible diligently, but you didn't get hair cut!\" The young man waited a moment and replied, \"You know dad, I've been thinking about that. You know Samson had long hair, Moses had long hair, Noah had long hair, and even Jesus had long hair.\" His father replied, \"Yes son, and they walked everywhere they went!\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Miscellaneous", + "output": "An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more. The bartender asks him, \"You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it it would taste better if you bought one at a time.\"The Irishman replies, \"Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in America, the other in Australia, and I'm here in Dublin. When we all left home, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together.\" The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there. The Irishman becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way: He orders three pints and drinks them in turn. One day, he comes in and orders two pints. All the other regulars notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, \"I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your great loss.\" The Irishman looks confused for a moment, then a light dawns in his eye and he laughs. \"Oh, no,\" he says, \"everyone's fine. I've just quit drinking.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Money", + "output": "According to statistics, last year over 17 million American families paid a lot of money for things that looked funny and didn't work. Seven million of these were antiques; the rest were college students." + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Miscellaneous", + "output": "Walking his blonde date to the front door, Keith said to her, \"Will I see you pretty soon?\"\"What's the matter,\" she asked, hurt. \"Don't you think I'm pretty now?\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Blind Jokes", + "output": "The blind man was out walking with his Seeing Eye dog when suddenly the animal paused and wet the man's leg. Bending down, the blind man stretched out his hand and patted the dog's head. Having watched what happened, a passerby said, \"Say, why are you patting him?That dog just peed on your leg!\"\"I know,\" said the blind man, \"but I gotta find his head before I can kick his butt. \"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Miscellaneous", + "output": "A burglar entered the house of a Quaker and proceeded to rob it. The Quaker heard the noise, took his shotgun downstairs, and pointed the gun at the burglar. He then said gently, \"Friend, I mean thee no harm, but thou standest where I am about to shoot. \"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Miscellaneous", + "output": "Professor Papp, turning to woman: Can you believe that the trustees named someone so ugly to be our new dean?Woman: I beg your pardon!Do you know who I am?I'm that ugly man's wife!Professor Papp: And do you know who I am?Woman: No, I haven't had the \"pleasure. \"Professor: Good, then my job's still safe." + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Miscellaneous", + "output": "A blowhard Air Force major was promoted to colonel and received a brand-new office. His first morning behind the desk, an airman knocked on the door and asked to speak to him. After telling him to come in, the colonel felt an urge to impress the young airman, so he picked up his phone and said, \"Yes, General, I'll get that to the President immediately. Goodbye, sir. \"Then, turning to the airman, he barked, \"Now what do you want?\"\"Nothing important,\" the airman said, \"I just came to install the telephone. \"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Lawyers", + "output": "An old penny pincher had no friends. Just before he died he asked his doctor, lawyer, and pastor to gather around him at bedside. \"I have always heard that you can't take it with you. But I want to disprove that theory,\" he said. \"I have $90,000 under my mattress, and when I die, just before they throw the dirt on me at my burial, I want you each to toss in an envelope with $30,000 within. \"The three attended the funeral and each threw his envelope in the grave. On the way back from the cemetery, the pastor said, \"I must confess. I needed $10,000 for my new church, so I only threw in $20,000. \"The doctor then said, \"I must confess too. I needed $20,000 for a new hospital I was opening up, so I only threw in $10,000. \"The lawyer looked at them both and shook his head. He then said, \"Gentlemen, I'm surprised, shocked, and ashamed of you. I don't see how you could dare to go against that man's final wish. I mean, I threw in my personal check for the full amount…\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Miscellaneous", + "output": "\"As you can see, class,\" said the medical school professor pointing to an X-ray, \"this patient limps because his left fibia and tibula are both radically arched. Johnson…what would you do in this case?\"\"Well, ma'am,\" said the student, \"I suppose I'd limp, too. \"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Animals", + "output": "A man dropped by his friend's house to pay him a visit and was amazed to see him playing a game of chess with his dog. After a few minutes he burst out with, \"That's the most incredible dog I've ever seen!\"\"Oh he isn't so smart,\" was the answer. \"I've beaten him three games out of four." + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Miscellaneous", + "output": "A blonde girl just stepped into the bathtub when the doorbell rang. \"Who is it?\"\"Blind man,\" came the response. Feeling charitable, the blonde dashed from the tub without bothering to put on any clothes, grabbed her purse, and opened the door. The man's jaw dropped and he stammered, \"Wh-where do you want me to put these blinds, lady?\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Miscellaneous", + "output": "After examining his patient, he informed Mr. Jones, \"I'm afraid you only have two months left to live. Do you have any requests?\"\"Yes, I'd like a second opinion. \"\"Fine. I also think you're ugly as sin. \"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Heaven and Hell", + "output": "The prominent middle-aged attorney was walking in the woods when he heard a booming voice from above say, \"You are going to live to be 100. \" That must be God speaking, the attorney thought. Immediately he began doing good deeds, figuring out that he now had ample time to make amends in order to enter Heaven. But as he left the homeless shelter where he had just volunteered an hour of his services, he was hit by a bus and killed. Coming face to face with God, the attorney protested, \"You promised me I was going to live to be 100. Instead, the very first day I did a good deed, I got hit by a bus and here I am. Why?\"\"I didn't recognize you,\" replied God." + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Miscellaneous", + "output": "\"Joe,\" a teacher reprimanded the teenager in the hall, \"do you mind telling me whose class you're cutting this time?\"\"Like,\" the young teen replied, \"uh, see, okay, like it's like I really don't like think like that's really important, y'know, like because I'm y'know, like I don't get anything out of it. \"\"It's English class, isn't it?\" replied the smiling teacher." + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Miscellaneous", + "output": "Flight attendant: I'm sorry to inform you, Mr. Jones, but we accidentaly left your wife back in Chicago. Man: Thank goodness!I thought I was going deaf!" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Miscellaneous", + "output": "One day, the owner of a very large daily newspaper company walked down the halls and greated one of his workers, \"Jones, how long have you been working here?\"Jones replied, \"Ever since I heard you coming down the hall. \"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Miscellaneous", + "output": "A pipe burst in a doctor's house. He called a plumber. The plumber arrived, unpacked his tools, did mysterious plumber-type things for a while, and handed the doctor a bill for $800. The doctor exclaimed, \"This is ridiculous! I don't even make that much as a doctor!\" The plumber waited for him to finish and quietly said, \"Neither did I when I was a doctor. \"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Miscellaneous", + "output": "A linguistics professor was lecturing to his class one day. \"In English,\" he said, \"A double negative forms a positive. In some languages, though, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, there is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative. \"A voice from the back of the room piped up, \"Yeah, right. \"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Computers", + "output": ">A tech support employee once received a call from a disgruntled lady who had purchase one of their PCs. \"The cup holder on my computer broke!I just got some coffee and put it in the cup holder and then it broke, and the coffee spilled all over me! I want a replacement!\"The employee was a little confused and didn't know what to say. He finally asked her to describe the cup holder to him. . . he'd never heard of his company selling in-computer cup holders. So the lady went on to describe the cup holder to him. \"Well, it pops out of the little box when I push a button, and it has 40x written on it. . . \"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Miscellaneous", + "output": "There once was a redneck who decided to buy a chain saw. A logging foreman sold him one that he guaranteed would cut down 15 trees in a single day. A week later, a very unhappy redneck cam back to report that the saw must be faulty. He only cut one tree per day. The foreman grabbed the saw, pulled the cord, and the saw promptly went \"Bzzzzzzzz. \"\"Hey,\" demanded the redneck, \"what's that noise?\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Miscellaneous", + "output": "\"I caught a 250-pound marlin the other day!\"\"That's nothing. I was fishing the other day and hooked a lamp from an old Spanish ship. In fact, the light was still lit!\"\"If you bow out the light, I'll take 200 pounds off the marlin. \"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Miscellaneous", + "output": "A minister wound up the services one morning by saying, \"Next Sunday I am going to preach on the subject of liars. And in connection to this, I'd like everyone to read the Mark 17. \"On the following Sunday, the preacher rose to begin and said, \"Now then, all of you who have done as requested and read Mark 17, please raise your hands. \"Nearly every hand in the congregation went up. Then said the preacher, \"You are the people I want to talk to. There is no seventeenth chapter of Mark!\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Miscellaneous", + "output": "Man: Do you serve breakfast here?Waitress: Sure; what'll it be?\"Man:Let me have watery eggs…some burnt toast…and some weak coffee, lukewarm. Waitress: Whatever you say, sir. Man: Now, are you doing anything while that order is going through?Waitress: Why…no, sir. Man: Then sit here and nag me a while…I'm feeling homesick." + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Miscellaneous", + "output": "A blonde girl just stepped into the bathtub when the doorbell rang. \"Who is it?\"\"Blind man,\" came the response. Feeling charitable, the blonde dashed from the tub without bothering to put on any clothes, grabbed her purse, and opened the door. The man's jaw dropped and he stammered, \"Wh-where do you want me to put these blinds, lady?\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Miscellaneous", + "output": "A duck hunter, proud of his markmanship, took his son out one morning to witness his skill. After some time a lone duck flew by. \"Watch this,\" whispered the dad, as he took aim and carefully fired. The duck flew serenely on. \"My boy,\" said the hunter, \"you are witnessing a great miracle. There flies a dead duck. \"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Miscellaneous", + "output": "One day, the lawyer decided to get away from the pressures of lying to people and go skiing for a week. Just as luck would have it, a few moments after he had just started skiing, he heard a rumbling. In a few seconds he saw a huge mass of snow rushing towards him. Luckily, he was right by a cave and was able to jump in before the snow could get him. Even more luckily, he happened to have some matches with him and was able to start a fire. Back at the resort, people realized that the lawyer had not returned, so a rescue team was sent out in search of him. After a few hours of searching, the team saw smoking coming from within the snow. One dug down and poked his head inside and said, \"Are you there Mr. Jacobson? This is the Red Cross. \"Bristling, the lawyer called back, \"Get lost!I gave at the office!\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Miscellaneous", + "output": "A panda walks into a bar, sits down and orders a sandwich. He eats the sandwich, pulls out a gun and shoots the waiter dead. As the panda stands up to go, the bartender shouts, \"Hey! Where are you going? You just shot my waiter and you didn't pay for your sandwich!\" The panda yells back at the bartender, \"Hey, I'm a PANDA! Look it up!\" The bartender opens his dictionary and sees the following definition for panda: \"A tree dwelling marsupial of Asian orgin, characterized by distinct black and white coloring. Eats shoots and leaves. \"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Miscellaneous", + "output": "Two lawyers walking through the woods spotted a vicious-looking bear. The first lawyer immediately opened his briefcase, pulled out a pair of sneakers and started putting them on. The second lawyer looked at him and said, \"Are you crazy? You'll never be able to outrun that bear!\"\"I don't have to,\" the first lawyer replied. \"I only have to outrun you. \"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Miscellaneous", + "output": "A speaker was having a little trouble getting started in his speech. All of the sudden someone from the audience shouted: \"Tell 'em everything you know. It will only take a mintue. \"\"I'll tell e'm what we both know,\" shot back the speaker. \"It won't take any longer. \"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Miscellaneous", + "output": "While cruising at nearly forty thousand feet, the airplane shuddered and Mr. Benson looked out the window. \"My gosh!\" he screamed, \"one of the engines just blew up!\"Other passengers left their seats and cam running over; suddenly the aircraft was rocked by a second blast as yet another engine exploded on the other side. The passengers were in a frenzy now, and even the flight attendant couldn't maintain order. Just then, the tall, smiling pilot came out from the cockpit and assured everyone that things would be okay. His words and his demeanor seemed to calm most of the passengers who sat back down while the captain slowly made his way to the back. He then, calmly took a few packages out from under some seats and handed them to the flight attendants . Each crew member slipped the pack on their backs. \"Say!\" spoke an alert passenger. \"Aren't those parachutes?\"The captain nodded and said they were. The passenger went on, \"But I thought you said there was nothing to worry about!\"\"Their isn't,\" replied the pilot as a third engine exploded. \"We're going to get help. \"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Family, Parents", + "output": "Young Father O'Reilly, newly ordained, was to hear his first confessions. Anxious to get his ministry off on the right foot, he asked the experienced Father McMartin to sit in and critique his handling of the assignment. At the end of the day the two clergymen sat in the rectory and reviewed O'Reilly's performance. \"Not bad,\" McMartin said, with a catch in his voice. Weighing his words with care, he went on, \"But there is one thing. In the future, I think you should make an effort to say 'I understand' instead of 'Oh, wow!'\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Farmers", + "output": "A blonde lived on a farm. He didn't get many visitors, so I went to see him. . . when I got there, he was standing stiff as a board, out in the middle of the cow paddock. I yelled out to him, and asked what he was doing standing out there all still and straight.He replied that he was trying to win a Noble Peace prize. I said, \"Well, that's great, but what are you doing in the paddock?\"He replied, \"I was reading the newspaper, and it said all you had to do to win the Noble Peace prize was to be outstanding in your field. \"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Idiots", + "output": "Professor: If there are any idiots in the classroom, please stand up. There was a long pause, then a lone freshman stood up in the back. Professor: So you consider yourself an idiot?Freshman: Well, not exactly. I just hated seeing you being the only one standing." + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Miscellaneous", + "output": "There once was a very happy truck driver that was eating in a diner at night. Three motorcyclists came and and proceeded to pick on the truck driver by pouring pepper and salt all over him, spitting in his coffee, and stealing his food. The truck driver didn't do anything, just stood up, paid his check, and left the diner. \"That truck driver sure ain't much of a fighter,\" said one of the cyclists. The girl behind the counter, peering out into the night, added, \"He doesn't seem like much of a driver either. He just ran his truck right over three motorcycles. \"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Miscellaneous", + "output": "Newsboy: Extra, extra!Read all about it-two men swindled. Man:Give me one. Say, there isn't anything about two men being swindled. Newsoy: Extra, extra!Three men swindled." + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Miscellaneous", + "output": "A timid little man in a restaurant carefully touched the arm of a man putting on an overcoat. \"Excuse me,\" he said, \"but do you happen to be Mr. Smith?\"\"No, I'm not!\" the man answered impatiently. \"Oh. . . er. . . well,\" stammered the first man, \"you see, I am, and that's his overcoat you're putting on. \"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Miscellaneous", + "output": "A blonde is terribly overweight, so her doctor puts her on a diet. \"I want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for two weeks. The next time I see you, you'll have lost at least five pounds. \"When the blonde returns, she's lost nearly 20 pounds. \"Why, that's amazing!\" the doctor says. \"Did you follow my instructions?\"The blonde nods. \"I'll tell you, though, I thought I was going to drop dead that third day. \"\"From hunger, you mean?\"\"No, from skipping. \"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Miscellaneous", + "output": "Joe: When I would wear my hand-me-downs to school, all of the boys would make fun of me. Moe: What did you do?Joe: I hit them over the head with my purse." + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Miscellaneous", + "output": "A lawyer sent an overdue bill to a client with a note that said, \"This bill is one year old. \"By return mail, the lawyer received the bill back with a note attached to it, saying: \"Happy Birthday. \"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Police Jokes", + "output": "A doctor and a lawyer in two cars collided on a country road. The lawyer, seeing that the doctor was a little shaken up, helped him from the car and offered him a drink from his hip flask. The doctor accepted and handed the flask back to the lawyer, who closed it and put it away. \"Aren't you going to have a drink yourself?\" asked the doctor. \"Sure, after the police leave,\" replied the attorney." + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Miscellaneous", + "output": "A professor invented a lie detecting chair. Whenever anybody sitting in it told a lie, the chair would open up and dump the liar on the floor. During an experiment, a brunette sat in the chair and the professor asked her to tell about herself. She began, \"I think you are the best teacher I've ever had. \" The chair immediately dumped her on the floor. After the brunette left in a snit, a blonde sat in the chair. The professor asked him to tell something of his life. He began, \"I think -\" The next thing he knew, he was sitting in the floor." + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Miscellaneous", + "output": "Two men were digging a ditch on a very hot day. One said to the other, \"Why are we down in this hole digging a ditch on such a hot day, while our boss is sitting in the shade?\"\"I don't know,\" responded the other. \"I'll ask him. \"So he climbed out of the hole and went to his boss. \"Why are we digging in the host sun while you just sit under the shade of this tree?\"\"Intelligence,\" the boss said. \"What do you mean, 'intelligence'?\"The boss said, \"Well, I'll show you. I'll put my hand on this tree and I want you to hit it with your fist as hard as you can. \"The ditch-digger took a mighty swing and tried to hit the boss' hand. The boss moved his hand just in time and the ditch-digger hit the tree. The boss said, \"That's intelligence!\"The ditch-digger went back to his hole with a soar hand. His friend asked, \"What did he say?\"\"He said we are down here because of intelligence. \"\"What's intelligence?\"said the friend. The ditch-digger put his hand on his face and said, \"Take your shovel and hit my hand.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Miscellaneous", + "output": "The loudspeaker of the big jet clicked on and the captain's voice announced: \"There's no cause for alarm, but we felt you should know that for the last three hours we've been flying without the benefit of radio, compass, radar, or navigational beam due to the breakdown of several important components. So, in the broad sense of the word, we are lost and don't know in which direction we're heading. But I'm sure you'll be glad to know that we're making excellent time though!" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Miscellaneous", + "output": "Doctor: I have some good news and some bad news. Which do you want first?Patient: Give me the bad news first. Doctor: Well, we accidentally amputated the wrong leg. Patient: What's the good news?Doctor: It turns out that your other leg didn't need to be amputated at all." + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Miscellaneous", + "output": "A blonde wearing a brown wig walks in a store and says to an employee \"I'd like to buy that TV\". The employee replies \"Sorry, I don't sell TV's to blondes\", and the blonde leaves the store. The next day, the same blonde walks in wearing a red wig. She says \"I wish to buy that TV\", to which the employee replies again \"Sorry, I don't sell TV's to blondes\". The blonde leaves the store. . . The next day, the same blonde walks in the store, with her hair dyed in black. She says \"I would like to buy that TV\". The employee replies again \"Sorry, I don't sell TV's to blondes\". The blonde is totally confused and asks the man, \"I'm sorry, but I've worn a red and brown wig, and now I dyed my hair black, how did you know I am a blonde?\". \"Well\", says the man, \"that's not a TV, it's a microwave. \"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Miscellaneous", + "output": "\"Well, how are you getting on with your dating of the banker's daughter?\"\"Not so bad. I'm getting some encouragement now. \"\"Really, is she beginning to smile sweetly at you or something?\"\"Not exactly, but last night she said that she's said 'no' for the last time. \"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Miscellaneous", + "output": "A woman went to her psychiatrist and said, \"Doctor, I want to talk to you about my husband. He thinks he's a refrigerator. \" \"That's not so bad,\" said the doctor. \"It's a rather harmless complex. \" \"Well, maybe,\" replied the lady. \"But he sleeps with his mouth open and the light keeps me awake along with the chillness. \"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Miscellaneous", + "output": "A young couple trying to live up to a snobbish lifestyle went to a party. The conversation soon came to Mozart, \"Absolutely brilliant…lovely…oh, a fine fellow…a genius, Mozart was. \"The woman, wanting to get in on the conversation remarked, \"Ah, Mozart. You're so right. It was just this morning that I saw him getting on the No. 5 bus going to South Padre Island. \"There was a sudden hush and all eyes were turned toward her. The husband pulled her aside and angrily barked, \"We're leaving right now. \"In the car on the way home the wife turned to the husband and said, \"You're really mad about something aren't you?\"\"How could you tell? My goodness! I've never been so embarrassed in my life! You saw Mozart take the No. 5 bus to South Padre Island, huh? Everybody knows that the No. 5 Bus doesn't go to South Padre Island!\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Police Jokes", + "output": "Just before a new redneck had his first parachute jump, his sergeant reminded him, \"Count to ten, then pull the first rip cord. If it snarls, pull the second rip cord for your auxiliary chute. After you land, our truck will pick you up. \"The paratrooper took a deep breath and jumped. He counted to ten and pulled the first cord. Nothing happened. He pulled the second cord. Again, nothing happened. As he plummeted to the ground, he said to himself, \"I'll bet that truck won't be there either!\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Miscellaneous", + "output": "Sid and Al were sitting in a Chinese restaurant. \"Sid,\" asked Al, \"Are there any Jews in China?\" \"I don't know,\" Sid replied. \"Why don't we ask the waiter?\" When the waiter came by, Al asked him, \"Are there any Chinese Jews?\" \"I don't know sir, let me ask,\" the waiter replied, and he went into the kitchen. He returned in a few minutes and said, \"No, sir. No Chinese Jews. \"\"Are you sure?\" Al asked. \"I will check again, sir. \" the waiter replied and went back to the kitchen. While he was still gone, Sid said, \"I cannot believe there are no Jews in China. Our people are scattered everywhere. \" When the waiter returned he said, \"Sir, no Chinese Jews. \"\"Are you really sure?\" Al asked again. \"I cannot believe there are no Chinese Jews. \"\"Sir, I ask everyone,\" the waiter replied exasperated. \"We have orange jews, prune jews, tomato jews and grape jews, but no one ever hear of Chinese jews!\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Idiots", + "output": "Two rednecks had just gone fishing and brought in the largest amount of fish they had ever seen. One said to the other, \"Did you mark the place where the fishing was so good?\"\"Yes, I put an X on the side of the boat. \"\"You idiot. That if we were gonna take a different boat next time?\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Computers", + "output": "Bill Gates wanted to look good and impress everyone with his success. He decided to measure the accomplishments of Microsoft against General Motors. The comparison went like this: If automotive technology had kept pace with computer technology over the past few decades, you would now be driving a V-32 instead of a V-8, and it would have a top speed of 10,000 miles per hour. (160,000km/hr) Or you could have an economy car that weighs 30 pounds (14 kilos) and getsa thousand miles to a gallon of gas. In either case the sticker price of a new car would be less than $50. In response to all this goading, GM responds: \"Yes, but would you really want to drive a car that crashes four times a day?\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Miscellaneous", + "output": "Sid and Barney head out for a quick round of golf. Since they are short on time, they decide to play only 9 holes. Sid says to Barney, \"Let's say we make the time worth the while, at least for one of us, and spot $15 on the lowest score for the day. \" Barney agrees and they enjoy a great game. After the 8th hole, Barney is ahead by 1 stroke, but cuts his ball into the rough on the 9th. \"Help me find my ball; you look over there,\" he says to Sid. After 5 minutes, neither has had any luck, and since a lost ball carries a four-point penalty, Barney pulls a ball from his pocket and tosses it to the ground. \"I've found my ball!\" he announces triumphantly. Sid looks at him forlornly, \"After all the years we've been friends, you'd cheat me on golf for as little as fifteen bucks?\"\"What do you mean cheat? I found my ball sitting right here. \"\"And a liar, too!\" Sid says with amazement. \"I'll have you know I've been standing on your ball for the last five minutes!\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Heaven and Hell", + "output": "Pilot: Pilot to tower. . . pilot to tower. . . I am 300 miles from land. . . 600 feet high and running out of gas. . . please instruct. . . over. Tower: Tower to pilot. . . tower to pilot. . . Repeat after me. . . \"Our Father, which art in heaven. . . \"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Miscellaneous", + "output": "A young college student had stayed up all night studying for his zoology test the next day. As he entered the classroom, he saw ten stands with ten legs on them. Each bird had a sack over its head; only the legs were showing. He sat straight in the front row because he wanted to do the best job possible. The professor announced that the test would be to look at each of the birds' legs and give the common name, habitat, genus and species. The student looked at each of the birds' legs. They all looked the same to him. He began to get upset. He had stayed up all night studying and now had to identify birds by their legs. The more he thought about it the madder he got. Finally he could stand it no longer. He went up to the professor's desk and said, \"What a stupid test! How could anyone tell the difference between birds by looking at their legs?\" With that the student threw his test on the professor's desk and walked to the door. The professor was surprised. The class was so big that he didn't know every student's name so as the student reached the door the professor called, \"Mister, what's your name?\" The enraged student pulled up his pant legs and said, \"You tell me buddy! You tell me!\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Miscellaneous", + "output": "A village blacksmith working at his open forge hammering a white-hot horeshoe had just finished the shoe and thrown it on the ground to cool. A real wanna-be redneck walked in at just that moment. He picked up the horseshoe and fumbled with it while howling in pain. He then dropped it and tried to regain his composure. \"Pretty hot, eh?\" asked the blacksmith with a chuckle. \"Naw,\" said the redneck. \"It just doesn't take me long to look at a horseshoe. \"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Heaven and Hell", + "output": "The phone rings at FBI headquarters. \"Hello?\"\"My neighbor John Smith is an enemy of the State. He is hiding undeclared diamonds in his woodshed. \"\"We'll take notice of this. \"The next day, the FBI goes to Smith's house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept, break every piece of wood, find no diamonds, apologize to Smith and finally leave. The phone rings at Smith's house. \"Hello, John! Did the FBI come?\"\"Yes. \"\"Did they break up your firewood?\"\"Yes, they chopped it like crazy. \"\"Okay, now it's your turn to call. I need my vegetable patch plowed. \"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Animals", + "output": "A long New Orleans style funeral procession passes by, but instead of a jazz band, it's lead by a man walking a lion. Behind the coffin walk at least 300 people. A bystander asks the man, \"What's going on?\" \"My lion ate my lawyer and this is his funeral,\" is the reply. \"Could I borrow your lion?\" asks the bystander. \"I've got a lawyer I'd like to have eaten. \" \"Sorry, but you'll have to get at the end of that line,\" said the man, pointing to the 300 people following the coffin." + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Miscellaneous", + "output": "Court scene:1st Lawyer: You're a fool2nd Lawyer: And you're a damn fool.Judge: As the learned lawyers have now identified each other, can we now proceed with the case?" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Miscellaneous", + "output": "Shame And Glory:A woman walks into a bar and orders two shots. She downs the first one \"This is for the shame\", and then the second one \"This is for the glory.\" She then orders two more shots. She drinks the first one \"This is for the shame\" and then the second one \"This is for the glory.\" She is about to order two more shots when the bartender stops her. \"Ma'am, I was just wondering ... what's this shame and glory about?\" \"Well,\" she replies, \"I like to do my housework naked. But when I bent over to pick something up, my Great Dane mounted me from behind.\" \"That must be the shame,\" the bartender said. \"No, that was the glory. The shame is when we got locked together and he dragged me around the front yard for thirty minutes.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Miscellaneous", + "output": "Bill & Hillary Clinton were sleeping one night at the White House. Hillary wakes up and starts shaking Bill to wake him up. \"Bill, Bill wake up.\" Bill stays sleeping. Hillary continues, \"Bill, Bill wake up.\" Bill finally wakes up and says, \"What do you want?\" Hillary responds, \"I have to go use the bathroom.\" To which Bill says, \"Please tell me you didn't wake me up just to tell me you have to go to the bathroom.\" Hillary says, \"No, I just wanted to tell you to save my spot.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Sex", + "output": "A little boy walked in on his mom and dad having sex and the mom was jumpin all over the dad.So the next day the little boy asks his mom what she was doing. She replies with \"Honey, I was jumping because Daddy is fat and needs to lose weight.\"The little boy said \"But Mommy, that won't work because every morning the lady next door comes over and blows him back up!\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Police Jokes", + "output": "A police officer pulls over this guy who's been weaving in and out of the lanes. He goes up to the guy's window and says, \"Sir, I need you to blow into this breathalyzer tube.\" The man says, \"Sorry, officer, I can't do that. I am an asthmatic. If I do that, I'll have a really bad asthma attack.\" \"Okay, fine. I need you to come down to the station to give a blood sample.\" \"I can't do that either. I am a hemophiliac. If I do that, I'll bleed to death.\" \"Well, then, we need a urine sample.\" \"I'm sorry, officer, I can't do that either. I am also a diabetic. If I do that, I'll get really low blood sugar.\" \"All right, then I need you to come out here and walk this white line.\" \"I can't do that, officer.\" \"Why not?\" \"Because I'm drunk.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Miscellaneous", + "output": "Four surgeons were taking a coffee break and discussing their work. The first one said, \"I think accountants are the easiest to operate on. Everything inside them is numbered.\" \"I think librarians are the easiest,\" said the second. \"When you open them up, all their organs are arranged alphabetically.\" The third surgeon said, \"I prefer to operate on electricians. Their organs are color-coded.\" \"You're all wrong,\" said, the fourth. \"Lawyers are easiest. They're heartless, spineless, gutless, and their heads and asses are interchangeable.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Computers", + "output": "Jesus SavesJesus and Satan were having an ongoing argument about who was better on his computer. They had been going at it for days, and God was tired of hearing all of the bickering. Finally God said, \"Cool it. I am going to set up a test that will run two hours and I will judge who does the better job.\" So down Satan and Jesus sat at the keyboards and typed away.They did spreadsheets. They wrote reports. They sent faxes. They sent e-mail.They downloaded. They did some genealogy reports. They made cards. They did every known job. About ten minutes before their time was up, lightning flashed across the sky, thunder rolled, the rain poured, and, of course, the electricity went off. Satan stared at his blank screen and screamed every curse word known in the underworld. Jesus just sighed. The electricity finally flickered back on, and each of them rebooted their computers. Satan started searching frantically, screaming \"It's gone! It's all gone! I lost everything when the power went out!\" Meanwhile, Jesus quietly started printing out all of his files from the past two hours. Satan observed this and became very irate: \"Wait! He must have cheated. How did he do that?\"God shrugged and said, \"Jesus saves.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Heaven and Hell", + "output": "Recently a teacher, a garbage collector, and a lawyer wound up together at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter informed them that in order to get into Heaven, they would each have to answer one question. St. Peter addressed the teacher and asked, \"What was the name of the ship that crashed into the iceberg? They just made a movie about it.\" The teacher answered quickly, \"That would be the Titanic.\" St.Peter let him through the gate. St. Peter turned to the garbage man and, figuring Heaven didn't REALLY need all the odors that this guy would bring with him, decided to make the question a little harder: \"How many people died on the ship?\" Fortunately for him, the trash man had just seen the movie, and answered, \"1,228.\" \"That's right!\" St. Peter then turned to the lawyer. \"Name them.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Sex", + "output": "A little old lady with blue hair entered the sex shop and asked in a quavering voice, \"Yy-young man, dd-do y-you sell-l v-v-vibrators h-here?\"The salesman, somewhat taken aback by the little old lady's appearance in his shop, answered, \"Uh, yes ma'am. We do.\"The little old lady, holding her quivering hands about ten inches apart, asked, \"D-do y-you ha-ave an-ny ab-bb-bout th-this lon-ong?\"\"Well, yes ma'am, we do. We have several that size.\"Forming a five-inch circle with her fingers, she then asked, \"A-are an-nny of t-them ab-b-bout thi-is b-big ar-round-d?\"\"Well yes, ma'am, a few of them are about that big.\" \"W-w-ell th-then, h-how d-do yo-ou t-turn it off?\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Miscellaneous", + "output": "The nurse was walking down the hospital corridor when her supervisor spotted her. The supervisor couldn't believe it. The nurse's hair was unkempt, her dress wrinkled, and to top off her overall dishevelment, one of her breasts was hanging out of the open front of her uniform! \"Miss Jennings! How can you account for parading around the hospital not only looking like a derelict, but with your breast exposed!\" the supervisor yelled. \"Oh,\" said the nurse, as she stuffed her breast into her uniform, \"It's those darn interns! They NEVER put anything back when they're through using it!\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Miscellaneous", + "output": "Paddy comes home from the pub one night to find his wife in bed with another man. He goes to a drawer and gets a gun. He holds the gun to his head and his wife starts to laugh. Paddy says \"Idon't know what you're laughing at- you're next!\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Money", + "output": "A little boy wanted $100 badly and prayed for two weeks, but nothing happened. Then he decided to write a letter to the Lord requesting the $100. When the postal authorities received the letter addressed to the Lord, USA, they decided to send it to President Clinton. The President was so impressed, touched, and amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy a $5 bill. President Clinton thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy. The little boy was delighted with the $5 and sat down to write a thank-you note to the Lord, which read: Dear Lord, Thank you very much for sending me the money. However, I noticed that for some reason you had to send it through Washington DC and, as usual, those jerks deducted $95." + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Miscellaneous", + "output": "An airliner was having engine trouble, and the pilot instructed the cabin crew to have the passengers take their seats and get prepared for an emergency landing. A few minutes later, the pilot asked the flight attendants if everyone was buckled in and ready. \"All set back here, Captain,\" came the reply, \"except one lawyer who is still going around passing out business cards.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Miscellaneous", + "output": "Two guys of limited intelligence were on a ship that sank in the middle of the Ocean. They managed to inflate a rubber life raft and grab a box of provisions before their ship slipped under the surface. After floating under blazing heat, for 6 days, they ran out of food and water. On the 10th day, bleary eyed and half dead from heat, thirst and starvation, they spotted a small object, floating toward them in the water. As it drew near, they were ecstatic to find that it was an old oil lamp (the kind that genies come in). They grabbed the lamp and rubbed it. Out popped a tired old genie who said, \"OK, so you freed me from the stupid lamp, but hey, I've been doing this 3-wishes stuff for a while now an quite frankly, I'm burned out. You guys only get 1 wish and then I'm outta here. Make it a good one.\" The first guy, blurted out, without thinking, \"Give us all the beer we can drink for the rest of our lives!\" \"Fine,\" said the genie, and he instantly turned the entire Ocean to beer. \"Great move, Einstein\", said the second guy, slapping the first guy in the side of the head. \"Now we're gonna have to piss in the boat.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Idiots", + "output": "One of my friends works in the customer service call center of a national pager company. He deals with the usual complaints about poor pager operation, as well as the occasional crank caller demanding to be paged less often, more often, or by more interesting people. The best call came from a man who repeatedly complained that he was being paged by \"Lucille.\" He was instructed that he would have to call her and tell her to stop paging him. \"She never leaves a number, so I can't call her back,\" he said. After three such calls, someone thought to ask how he knew it was Lucille if she didn't leave a number. \"She leaves her name,\" was the reply. After establishing that the customer had a numeric-only pager, the light bulb came on. \"How does she spell her name?\" the service rep asked. \"L-O-W C-E-L-L\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Idiots", + "output": "A man enters a bar with his pet giraffe. They both sit down and he orders them some drinks. After a while the man and the giraffe both had a quite a lot to drink. The man feels its time to go home and notices his giraffe passed out on the floor and decides to leave him there. The man starts out the door and the bartender yells at the man, \"Hey you can't leave that lyin' on the floor.\" The man was plastered and laughed and said, \"You idiot, that's not a lion that's a giraffe.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Miscellaneous", + "output": "A minister told his congregation, \"Next week I plan to preach about the sin of lying.To help you understand my sermon, I want you all to read Mark 17.\" The following Sunday, as he prepared to deliver his sermon, the minister asked for a show of hands.He wanted to know how many had read Mark 17.Every hand went up.The minister smiled and said, \"Mark has only sixteen chapters.I will now proceed with my sermon on the sin of lying.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Miscellaneous", + "output": "Morris walks into Dr. Cohen's office and puts a note on the table in front of the Doctor. The note says, \"I can't talk, please help me!\" The doctor thinks for a while and says to Morris, \"Put your member on the table here.\" Morris thinks this is a bit weird, but Cohen is a specialist, so does as he says. The doctor takes a rubber mallet and hits Morris' member with it as hard as he can. The man cries in great agony, \"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!\" Then the doctor says, \"Good, come again tomorrow and we'll learn B!\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Sex", + "output": "A man walks into an emergency room with two black eyes and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat. Naturally the doctor ask him what happened.\"Well, it was like this,\" said the man. \"I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife when she sliced her ball into a pasture of cows. We went to look for it and while I was rooting around I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end. I walked over and lifted up the tail and sure enough, there was my wife's golf ball -- stuck right in the middle of the cow's ass. That's when I made my mistake.\"\"What did you do?\" ask the doctor.\"Well, I lifted the tail and yelled to the Mrs.. \"This one here looks like yours!\" A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following: \"Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come one lasta time.\"\"You foul mouthed swine,\" retorted the lady indignantly. \"In this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public!\"\"Hey, coola down lady,\" said the man. \"Who talkin' abouta sexa? I'm just tellin' my frienda how to spella 'Mississippi'.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Religious", + "output": "A minister, a priest and a rabbi went for a hike one day. It was very hot. They were sweating and exhausted when they came upon a small lake. Since it was fairly secluded, they took off all their clothes and jumped in the water. Feeling refreshed, the trio decided to pick a few berries while enjoying their \"freedom.\" As they were crossing an open area, who should come along but a group of ladies from town. Unable to get to their clothes in time, the minister and the priest covered their privates and the rabbi covered his face while they ran for cover. After the ladies had left and the men got their clothes back on, the minister and the priest asked the rabbi why he covered his face rather than his privates. The rabbi replied, \"I don't know about you, but in MY congregation, its my" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Miscellaneous", + "output": "An American and North Korean are bragging about their countries.The American says \"In my country, our technology is so good that we know who will win an election two hours before the polls close!\"The North Korean doesn't blink and says \"Well in my country we know who will win two years before the polls close.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Police Jokes", + "output": "The other day I was on my way home from work when the most remarkable thing happened. Traffic was heavy as usual, and as I sat there at a red light, out of nowhere a bird slammed into my windshield. If that wasn't bad enough, the poor creature got its wing stuck under the windshield wiper. Just then the light turned green and there I was with a bird stuck on my windshield. Without any other apparent options, turning on the windshield wipers seemed the only thing to do. It actually worked. On the upswing, the bird flew off, and here is the crazy thing... it slammed right onto the windshield of the car behind me. No, it didn't get caught under the windshield wipers of that vehicle, but the car behind me was a police car. Of course, knowing my luck, immediately the lights went on and I was forced to pull over. The officer walked up and told me he saw what had happened at the light. Trying to plead my case fell on deaf ears. He simply stated: \"I'm going to have to write you up for flipping me the bird.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Miscellaneous", + "output": "A man hasn't been feeling well, so he goes to his doctor for a complete checkup. Afterward the doctor comes out with the results. \"I'm afraid I have some very bad news,\" the doctor says. \"You're dying, and you don't have much time left.\" \"Oh, that's terrible!\" says the man. \"How long have I got?\" \"Ten,\" the doctor says sadly. \"Ten?\" the man asks. \"Ten what? Months? Weeks? What?!\" \"Nine...\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Computers", + "output": "Jesus and Satan were having an ongoing argumentabout who was better on his computer. They had been going atit for days, and God was tired of hearing all of thebickering.Finally God said, \"Cool it. I am going to set up atest that will run two hours and I will judge who doesthe better job.\"So down Satan and Jesus sat at the keyboards andtyped away.They did spreadsheets. They wrote reports.They sent faxes. They sent e-mail.They downloaded. Theydid some genealogy reports. They made cards. They did everyknown job. About ten minutes before their time was up,lightning flashed across the sky, thunder rolled, the rainpoured, and, of course, the electricity went off. Satanstared at his blank screen and screamed every curse wordknown in the underworld. Jesus just sighed.The electricity finally flickered back on, and each of themrebooted their computers. Satan started searchingfrantically, screaming \"It's gone! It's all gone! I losteverything when the power went out!\"Meanwhile, Jesus quietly started printing out allof his files from the past two hours. Satan observed thisand became very irate: \"Wait! He must have cheated.How did he do that?\"God shrugged and said, \"Jesus saves.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Miscellaneous", + "output": "A cowboy is riding across the plains of the old west, when he is captured by Indians. The tribe puts him on trial for crimes against the Indian Nation, and he is found guilty. \"You have been sentenced to death,\" said the Chief, \"but, as is our custom, you have three wishes to make as your last requests.\" The cowboy thought for a minute and said, \"Well, for my first wish, I'll need my horse.\" \"Give him his horse,\" said the Chief. The cowboy whispered something into the horse's ear, and the horse took off like a shot across the prairie. Twenty minutes later, the horse returned with a beautiful blonde woman on its back. The cowboy looked at this, shrugged his shoulders, and helped the young lady off the horse. He then took her into the woods and had his way with her. \"Second wish,\" said the Chief. \"I'll need my horse again,\" said the cowboy. \"Give him his horse,\" said the Chief. Once again, the cowboy whispered into the horse's ear, and once again the horse rode off over the prairie. Thirty minutes later, the horse returned with a beautiful brunette on its back. The cowboy looked up and shrugged, helped the young lady off the horse, and went into the woods, same reason as before. \"This is your last wish,\" said the Chief, \"make it a good one.\" \"I'll need my horse again.\" \"Give him his horse,\" said the Chief. The cowboy grabbed each side of the horse's head, and put his face right up to the horse's. \"You stupid horse, I said POSSE!\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Heaven and Hell", + "output": "There was this Christian lady that had to do a lot of traveling for her business so she did a lot of flying.But flying made her nervous so she always took her Bible along with her to read and it helped relax her. One time she was sitting next to a man.When he saw her pull out her Bible he gave a little chuckle and went back to what he was doing.After awhile he turned to her and asked \"You don't really believe all that stuff in there do you?\"The lady replied \"Of course I do.It is the Bible.\"He said \"Well what about that guy that was swallowed by that whale?She replied \"Oh, Jonah.Yes I believe that, it is in the Bible.He asked \"Well, how do you suppose he survived all that time inside the whale?\"The lady said \"Well I don't really know.I guess when I get to heaven I will ask him.\"\"What if he isn't in heaven?\" the man asked sarcastically.\"Then you can ask him.\"replied the lady." + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Sex", + "output": "You may be a redneck if:Your porch collapses and more than six dogs dieYou mow your lawn and find a carYou consider a family reunion as a chance to meet \"Ms. Right\"You grab your boots a jacket and a flashlight to go to the bathroomYour idea of \"safe sex\" is locking the car door" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Miscellaneous", + "output": "Two attorneys went into a diner and ordered two drinks. Then they produced sandwiches from their briefcases and started to eat.The owner became quite concerned and marched over and told them, \"You can't eat your own sandwiches in here!\"The attorneys looked at each other, shrugged their shoulders and then exchanged sandwiches." + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Miscellaneous", + "output": "It was a stifling hot day and a man fainted in the middle of a busy intersection. Traffic quickly piled up in all directions, so a woman rushed to help him. When she knelt down to loosen his collar, a man emerged from the crowd, pushed her aside, and said, \"It's all right, I've had a course in first aid.\" The woman stood up and watched as he took the ill man's pulse and prepared to administer artificial respiration. At this point she tapped him on the shoulder and said, \"When you get to the part about calling a doctor, I'm already here.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Police Jokes", + "output": "A driver was pulled over by a police officer for speeding. As the officer was writing the ticket, she noticed several machetes in the car. \"What are those for?\" she asked suspiciously. \"I'm a juggler,\" the man replied. \"I use those in my act.\" \"Well, show me,\" the officer requested. So he got out the machetes and started juggling them, first three, then more, finally seven at one time, overhand, underhand, behind the back, putting on a dazzling show and amazing the officer. Another car passed by. The driver did a double take, and said, \"My God. I've got to give up drinking! Look at the test they're giving now.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Religious", + "output": "The Seven Dwarfs Six of the seven dwarfs are sitting around the house one day when Sleepy rushes in and says,\"Guess what guys, I've won a trip to see the Pope!\" Everyone gets all excited and chants, \"We finally get to ask him, we finally get to ask him.\" The next day, they're all standing in front of the Pope, Dopey out in front of the other six.All the other six start pushing Dopey and saying, \"Go ahead,Dopey, ask him, ask him!\" The Pope looks at Dopey and asks, \"Do you have a question to ask me, young man?\"Dopey looks up shyly and says, \"Well, yes.\" The Pope tells him to go ahead and ask. Dopey asks, \"Well, do....do they have nuns in Alaska?\"The Pope replies, \"Well, yes, I'm sure we have nuns in Alaska.\"The others all keep nudging Dopey and chanting, \"Askhim the rest, Dopey, ask him the rest!\" The Pope asks Dopey if there's more to his question, and Dopey continues, \"Well, uh, do they have, uh, black nuns in Alaska?\"To which the Pope replies, \"Well, my son, I think there must be a few black nuns in Alaska, yes.\"Still not satisfied, the others keep saying, \"Ask him the last part, Dopey, ask him the last part!\" The Pope asks Dopey, \"Is there still more to your question?\"To which Dopey replies, \"Well, uh, yeah.....are there, uh, are there any midget black nuns in Alaska?\"The startled Pope replies, \"Well, no, my son, I really don't think there are any midget black nuns in Alaska.\"At this, Dopey turns all kinds of colors, and the others start laughing, and yelling, \"Dopey screwed a penguin, Dopey screwed a penguin!\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Computers", + "output": "Top 20 reasons dogs don't use computers: 20) Can't stick their heads out of Windows '95.19) Fetch command not available on all platforms.18) Hard to read the monitor with your head cocked to one side.17) Too difficult to \"mark\" every website they visit.16) Can't help attacking the screen when they hear \"You've Got Mail.\"15) Fire hydrant icon simply frustrating.14) Involuntary tail wagging is dead giveaway they're browsing www.pethouse.com instead of working.13) Keep bruising noses trying to catch that MPEG frisbee.12) Not at all fooled by Chuckwagon Screen Saver.11) Still trying to come up with an \"emoticon\" that signifies tail-wagging.10) Waiting for the introduction of the Microsoft Opposable Thumb.9) Three words: Carpal Paw Syndrome8) 'Cause dogs ain't GEEKS! Now, cats, on the other hand...7) Barking in next cube keeps activating YOUR voice recognition software.6) SmellU-SmellMe still in beta test.5) SIT and STAY were hard enough, GREP and AWK are out of the question!4) Saliva-coated mouse gets mighty difficult to maneuver.3) Annoyed by lack of newsgroup, alt.pictures.master's.leg.2) Butt-sniffing more direct and less deceiving than online chat rooms.1) TrO{ HyAqR4tDc TgrOo TgYPmE WeIjTyH PAzWqS,." + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Crazy Jokes", + "output": "Two cowboys come upon an Indian lying on his stomach with his ear to the ground. One of the cowboys stops and says to the other, \"You see that Indian?\" \"Yeah,\" says the other cowboy. \"Look,\" says the first one, \"he's listening to the ground. He can hear things for miles in any direction.\" Just then the Indian looks up. \"Covered wagon,\" he says, \"about two miles away. Have two horses, one brown, one white. Man, woman, child, household effects in wagon.\" \"Incredible!\" says the cowboy to his friend. \"This Indian knows how far away they are, how many horses, what color they are, who is in the wagon, and what is in the wagon. Amazing!\" The Indian looks up and says, \"Ran over me about a half hour ago.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Heaven and Hell", + "output": "Jesus came to Moses in heaven one day & said, \"We've got to do something about this golf thing. No one goes to church any more.\" \"What should we do,\" Moses asked. \"In order to combat this, we've got to know what it is,\" Jesus said. \"Meet me at the golf course tomorrow morning.\" Next morning they start out on their first round of golf, and they come to a par-5 with a water hazard. Jesus says, \"I wonder what Jack Nicklaus would use?\" \"Probably a five iron, but i think you should use a seven,\" Moses says. \"If he can use a five iron,\" Jesus replies, \"then so can I!\" Jesus tees off and the ball goes right in the water. \"No problem,\" Moses says. \"I'll go get the ball.\" He goes to the water, parts it, gets the ball and brings it back. \"I STILL think you should use a seven,\" he tells Jesus. \"If jack can use a five then so can i,\" Jesus retorts. He tees off again and the ball goes right in the water. This time Jesus goes to get it. He walks out onto the water and begins looking for the ball.Meanwhile, another group of golfers comes to the tee. They see Jesus and ask Moses, \"Who does that guy think he is? Jesus christ?\" \"no,\" Moses says. \"He thinks he's Jack Nicklaus.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Children", + "output": "A young boy, about eight years old, was at the corner \"Mom & Pop\" grocery picking out a pretty good size box of laundry detergent. The grocer walked over, and, trying to be friendly, asked the boy if he had a lot of laundry to do. \"Oh, no laundry,\" the boy said, \"I'm going to wash my dog.\" \"But you shouldn't use this to wash your dog. It's very powerful and if you wash your dog in this, he'll get sick. In fact, it might even kill him.\"But the boy was not to be stopped and carried the detergent to the counter and paid for it, even as the grocer still tried to talk him out of washing his dog.About a week later the boy was back in the store to buy some candy. The grocer asked the boy how his dog was doing.\"Oh, he died,\" the boy said.The grocer, trying not to be an I-told-you-so, said he was sorry the dog died but added, \"I tried to tell you not to use that detergent on your dog.\" \"Well,\" the boy replied, \"I don't think it was the detergent that killed him.\"\"Oh? What was it then?\"\"I think it was the spin cycle!\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Miscellaneous", + "output": "In the days of old sailing ships the captain of the Seahawk went out on deck to get some fresh air, when from above a cry came down from the crow's nest: \"Enemy ship off the port bow!\" The captain said to the ensign standing next to him, \"Get me my red shirt. \" A battle ensued and the Seahawk prevailed. Two weeks later the captain was again on deck when another cry came from the crow's nest, \"Two enemy ships off the starboard bow!\" The captain again says to the ensign, \"Get me my red shirt. \" After the battle was won the ensign asked the captain why he tells him to get his red shirt. The captain said that if he is wounded and the blood begins to flow the crew will not see that he was injured and keep on fighting. The crew overheard this and was proud to have such a brave captain leading them. A week later another cry came from the crow's nest, \"TEN enemy ships approaching!\" The captain said to his ensign, \"Get me my brown pants!\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Police Jokes", + "output": "A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street. \"But officer,\" the man began, \"I can explain.\" \"Just be quiet,\" snapped the officer. \"I'm going to let you cool your heels in jail until the chief gets back.\" \"But, officer, I just wanted to say,\" \"And I said to keep quiet! You're going to jail!\" A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said, \"Lucky for you that the chief's at his daughter's wedding. He'll be in a good mood when he gets back.\" \"Don't count on it,\" answered the fellow in the cell. \"I'm the groom.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Miscellaneous", + "output": "Q: How are lawyers like nuclear weapons?A: If one side has one, the other side has to get one. Once launched, they cannot be recalled. When they land, they screw up everything forever." + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Money", + "output": "Computer Terms 486 - The average IQ needed to understand a PC. State-of-the-art - Any computer you can't afford. Obsolete - Any computer you own. Microsecond - The time it takes for your state-of-the-art computer to become obsolete. G3 - Apple's new Macs that make you say \"Gee, three times faster than the computer I bought for the same price a Microsecond ago.\" Syntax Error - Walking into a computer store and saying, \"Hi, I want to buy a computer and money is no object.\" Hard Drive - The sales technique employed by computer salesmen, esp. after a Syntax Error. GUI - What your computer becomes after spilling your coffee on it. (pronounced \"gooey\") Keyboard - The standard way to generate computer errors. Mouse - An advanced input device to make computer errors easier to generate. Floppy - The state of your wallet after purchasing a computer. Portable Computer - A device invented to force businessmen to work at home, on vacation, and on business trips. Disk Crash - A typical computer response to any critical deadline. Power User - Anyone who can format a disk from DOS. System Update - A quick method of trashing ALL of your software." + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Miscellaneous", + "output": "Sing it, it sounds better: His baloney has a first name: It's \"I did not inhale.\" His baloney has a second name: \"I wasn't getting tail.\" He loves to sling it every day, The White House people all just say, That Billy Clinton has a way Of making bullsh*t sound OK!" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Miscellaneous", + "output": "There were three guys talking in the pub. Two of them are talking about the amount of control they have over their wives, while the third remains quiet. After a while one of the first two turns to the third and says, \"Well, what about you, what sort of control do you have over your wife?\" The third fellow says \"I'll tell you. Just the other night my wife came to me on her hands and knees.\" The first two guys were amazed. \"What happened then?\" they asked. \"She said, 'Get out from under the bed and fight like a man'.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Miscellaneous", + "output": "Our three previous presidents and the current president found themselves following the famous Yellow Brick Road, on their way to meet The Wizard. They were all missing just a little something and figured The Wizard could help them. They meet The Wizard and he asks each in turn what they need. \"Well\", Jimmy Carter says, \"I could use some courage.\" \"No problem,\" says The Wizard, and Carter gets his courage, no questions asked. \"What about you, Mr. Reagan?\", The Wizard asks. \"If I only had a brain,\" Mr. Reagan replies, and voila, Mr. Reagan has his brain. George Bush is next. \"People tell me I could use a heart,\" he pleads, and The Wizard grants Mr. Bush his wish. \"Tell me, Mr. Clinton, what do you most want?\", asks The Wizard. Mr. Clinton doesn't hesitate. \"Is Dorothy around?\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Miscellaneous", + "output": "A motorist had a flat tire in front of an insane asylum. He took the wheel off, and the bolts that held the wheel on rolled into the sewer. A patient, looking through the fence, suggested that he take one bolt off of the remaining three tires to hold up the new tire until he got to a service station. The motorist thanked him profusely and said, \"I don't know why you are in that place. \"The patient said, \"I'm here for being crazy, not stupid. \"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Miscellaneous", + "output": "President Clinton was in Baghdad talking about the peace accords. Clinton noticed there were 3 buttons on Saddam's chair. He didn't think anything of it at the time. After a few minutes Saddam pressed the fist button. Immediately a box popped out in front of Clinton and a boxing glove popped up and punched Clinton in the nose. Clinton was a little dazed, but he wanted to continue with the peace accords so he kept talking. After a few minutes Saddam pressed the second button. A boot came out of the floor and kicked Clinton in the shin. Clinton is starting to get angry, but he decides to go on. About 5 minutes later Saddam pressed the last button and another boot came up and kicked Clinton in the crotch. Clinton had had it at this point and jumped up and yelled, \"That's it, I'll see you in Washington D.C. in 2 weeks!\" Two weeks went by and Saddam came to D.C. He noticed 3 buttons on Clinton's desk and started to get ready for Clinton's revenge. He started talking and after a few minutes Clinton pressed the first button. Saddam ducked and nothing happened. He starts talking again, and after a few minutes Clinton pressed the second button. Saddam moved to the side, but, again, nothing happened. Saddam is starting to get suspicious, but he keeps talking. A few more minutes later Clinton pressed the third button. Saddam jumps up, and still, nothing happens. At this point Saddam is furious. He yells, \" That's it, I'm going back to Baghdad!\" Clinton looks straight at him and responds, \"What Baghdad?\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Money", + "output": "The Pope, Billy Graham, and Oral Roberts were in a three-way plane crash over the Atlantic Ocean. Tragically, they all died and went to the Pearly Gates together. \"Oh, this is terrible,\" exclaims St. Peter, \"I know you guys think we summoned you here, but this is just one of those coincidences that happen. St. Peter was fretting, \"Since we weren't expecting you, your quarters just aren't ready. We can't take you in just yet and we can't send you back.\" Then he got an idea. He picked up the phone, \"Lucifer, this is Pete. Hey, I got these three guys up here. They're ours, but we weren't expecting them, and we gotta fix the place up for 'em. I was hoping you could put them up for a while. It'll only be a couple of days. I'll owe you one.\" Reluctantly, the Devil agreed. Two days later... \"Pete, this is Lucifer. Hey you gotta come get these three clowns. This Pope guy is forgiving everybody, the Graham fellow is saving everybody, and Oral Roberts has raised enough money to buy air conditioning!\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Miscellaneous", + "output": "A blonde goes for a job interview in an office. The interviewer decides to start with the basics. 'So, Miss, can you tell us your age, please?' The blonde counts carefully on her fingers for about 30 seconds before replying, 'Ehhhh .. 22!' The interviewer tries another straightforward one to break the ice. 'And can you tell us your height, please?' The young lady stands up and produces a measuring tape from her handbag. She then traps one end under her foot and extends the tape to the top of her head. She checks the measurement and announces, 'Five foot two!' This isn't looking good so the interviewer goes for the real basics. 'And uhh, just to confirm for our records, your name please?' The blonde bobs her head from side to side for about twenty seconds, mouthing something silently to herself, before replying, 'Mandy!' The interviewer is completely baffled at this stage, so he asks, 'Just out of curiosity, Miss. We can understand your counting on your fingers to work out your age, and the measuring tape for your height is obvious, but what were you doing when we asked you your name?' 'Ohh that!', replies the blonde, 'That's just me running through 'Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you....''" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Animals", + "output": "A man takes his dog to the Vet and says, \"Doctor, I think my dog is dead.\" The Vet told him to put the dog on the table and then left the room. Soon he came back with a cat. The cat sniffed the dogs ears, his nose and then walked all over him. The Vet said \"Yep, your dog is dead. That will be $500 and 35 dollars.\" The man said, \"$500 and 35 dollars! What for?\" The Vet said, \"$35 for the office visit and $500 for the cat scan.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Miscellaneous", + "output": "\"Mr. Clark, I'm afraid I have bad news,\" the doctor told his anxious patient. \"You only have six months to live.\" The man sat in stunned silence for the next several minutes. Regaining his composure, he apologetically told his physician that he had no medical insurance. \"I can't possibly pay you in that time.\" \"Okay,\" the doctor said, \"let's make it nine months.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Miscellaneous", + "output": "The Post Office briefly considered issuing stamps with Bill and Hillary's faces on them. However, test marketing verified that the customers would spit on the wrong side of the stamps." + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Aviation", + "output": "A large two engine train was crossing America. After they had gone some distance one of the engines broke down. \"No problem,\" the engineer thought, and carried on at half-power. Further on down the line, the other engine broke down, and the train came to a standstill. The engineer decided he should inform the passengers about why the train had stopped, and made the following announcement: \"Ladies and gentlemen, I have some good news and some bad news. The bad news is that both engines have failed, and we will be stuck here for some time. The good news is that this is a train and not a plane.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Police Jokes", + "output": "A drunk phoned police to report that thieves had been in his car. \"They've stolen the dashboard, the steering wheel, the brake pedal, even the accelerator!\" he cried out. However, before the police investigation could start, the phone rang a second time with the same voice came over the line. \"Never mind,\" he said with a hiccup, \"I got in the back seat by mistake.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Police Jokes", + "output": "A car breaks down along the expressway one day, so the driver eases it over onto the shoulder of the highway. He jumps out of the car, opens the trunk, and pulls out two men in trench coats.The men stand behind the car, open up their coats and start exposing themselves to the oncoming traffic. This results in one of the worst pile-ups in history. When questioned by police why he put two deviates along the side of the road, the man replied, \"I broke down and was just using my emergency flashers!\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Miscellaneous", + "output": "President Clinton looks up from his desk in the Oval Office to see one of his aides nervously approach him. \"What is it?\" yells the President. \"It's this abortion bill, Mr. President. What do you want to do about it?\" the aide asks. \"Just go ahead and pay it.\" responds the President." + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Sex", + "output": "Similarities between Nixon and ClintonNixon:WatergateClinton:WaterbedNixon: His biggest fear - the Cold WarClinton:His biggest fear - a Cold SoreNixon: Worried about carpet bombsClinton:Worried about carpet burnsNixon: His Vice President was a GreekClinton:His Vice President is a geekNixon: Couldn't stop KissingerClinton:Couldn't stop kissing herNixon: Couldn't explain the 18 minute gap in the Watergate tapeClinton:Couldn't explain the 36-DD bra in his brief caseNixon: His nickname was Tricky DickClinton:sameNixon: Ex-PresidentClinton:Sex-PresidentNixon: Known for campaign slogan \"Nixon's The One\"Clinton:Known for women pointing at him saying, \"He's the one!\"Nixon: Famous for his widow's peakClinton:Famous for bringing widows to their peakNixon:Well acquainted with G. Gordon LiddyClinton:Well acquainted with the G SpotNixon: Took on Ho Chi MinhClinton:Took on HoNixon: Talked about achieving peace with honorClinton:Talked about getting a piece while on her" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Miscellaneous", + "output": "Single women complain that all good men are married, while all married women complain about their lousy husbands. This confirms that there is no such thing as a good man." + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Sex", + "output": "A doctor had just finished a marathon sex session with one of his patients. He was resting afterwards and was feeling a bit guilty because he thought it wasn't really ethical to screw one of his patients. However, a little voice in his head said \"Lots of other doctors have sex with their patients so its not like you're the first...\". This made the doctor feel a little bit better until still another voice in his head said, \"... but they probably weren't veterinarians\"." + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Computers", + "output": "While my brother-in-law was tapping away on his home computer, his ten-year-old daughter sneaked up behind him. Then she turned and ran into the kitchen, squealing to the rest of the family, \"I know Daddy's password! I know Daddy's password!\" \"What is it? her sisters asked eagerly. Proudly she replied, \"Asterisk, asterisk, asterisk, asterisk, asterisk!\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Family, Parents", + "output": "An attorney was sitting in his office late one night, when the Devil appeared before him. The Devil told the lawyer, \"I have a proposition for you. You can win every case you try, for the rest of your life. Your clients will adore you, your colleagues will stand in awe of you, and you will make embarrassing sums of money. All I want in exchange is your soul, your wife's soul, your children's souls, the souls of your parents, grandparents, and parents-in-law, and the souls of all of your friends and law partners.\" The lawyer thought about this for a moment, then asked, \"So, what's the catch?\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Money", + "output": "Businessman's DepressionA businessman was in a great deal of trouble. His business was failing, he had put everything he had into the business, he owed everybody - it was so bad he was even contemplating suicide. As a last resort he went to a priest and poured out his story of tears and woe. When he had finished, the priest said, \"Here's what I want you to do: Put a beach chair and your Bible in your car and drive down to the beach. Take the beach chair and the Bible to the water's edge, sit down in the beach chair, and put the Bible in your lap. Open the Bible the wind will rifle the pages, but finally the open Bible will come to rest on a page. Look down at the page and read the first thing you see. That will be your answer, that will tell you what to do.\" A year later the businessman went back to the priest and brought his wife and children with him. The man was in a new custom-tailored suit, his wife in a mink coat, the children shining. The businessman pulled an envelope stuffed with money out of his pocket, gave it to the priest as a donation in thanks for his advice. The priest recognized the benefactor, and was curious. \"You did as I suggested?\" he asked. \"Absolutely,\" replied the businessman. \"You went to the beach?\" \"Absolutely.\" \"You sat in a beach chair with the Bible on your lap?\" \"Absolutely.\" \"You let the pages rifle until they stopped?\" \"Absolutely.\" \"And what were the first words you saw?\" \"Chapter 11.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Religious", + "output": "A truck driver was driving down the highway when he saw a priest at the side of the Road. He stopped to pick up the priest and give him a ride. A ways down the road the truck driver saw a lawyer on the side of the road. He turned the truck on a direct course with the lawyer. Then he thought \"Oh no, I have a priest dn the truck I can't run down this lawyer\", and at the last second the truck driver swerved to miss the lawyer. But, the truck triver heard a thump outside of the truck, he looked in his rear-view mirror but didn't see anything. He turned to the priest and said \"Sorry Father, I just missed that lawyer at the side of the road\" And the priest said \"Don't worry son, I got him with my door.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Police Jokes", + "output": "A man decided that he was going to ride a 10-speed bike from Phoenix to Flagstaff. He got as far as Black Canyon City before the mountains just became too much and he could go no farther. He stuck his thumb out, but after 3 hours hadn't gotten a single person to stop. Finally, a guy in a Corvette pulled over and offered him a ride. Of course, the bike wouldn't fit in the car. The owner of the Corvette found a piece of rope lying by the highway and tied it to his bumper. He tied the other end to the bike and told the man that if he was going too fast, to honk the horn on his bike and that he would slow down. Everything went fine for the first 30 miles. Suddenly, another Corvette blew past them. Not to be outdone, the Corvette pulling the bike took off after the other. A short distance down the road, the Corvettes, both going well over 120 mph, blew through a speed trap. The police officer noted the speeds from his radar gun and radioed to the other officer that he had two Corvettes headed his way at over 120 mph. He then relayed, \"...and you're not going to believe this, but there's guy on a 10-speed bike honking to pass.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Heaven and Hell", + "output": "One day, two guys decide to take a drive to a local grocery store to get some lunch. On the way to the store they come to an intersection with a stoplight. The light showed red. The man driving went right through the red light. The passenger looked at the driver and screamed, \"What the heck are you doing? You're going to get us killed!\" Then the driver responded, \"Don't worry, my mother always drives like this.\" So later on, the two guys came to another stoplight and that too was red. The driver sped right through the light. Again the passenger looked at the driver and said, \"I thought I told you, you're gonna get us killed! Would you please stop this nonsense!\" The driver looked at the passenger and responded, \"All right! I get it but I told you My mother drives like this all the time!\" Again, the two guys ran into another light. This time in was green. The Driver slammed on his breaks and stopped the car totally. \"What the hell are you doing?\" The passenger screamed. \"This is the third time you almost got us killed. Why did you stop at a green light?\"\"Well, my mother might be coming the other way!\"." + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Police Jokes", + "output": "A man is struck by a bus on a busy street in New York City. He lies dying on the sidewalk as a crowd of on-lookers gathers around. \"A priest. Somebody get me a priest!\" the man gasps. A policeman checks the crowd----no priest, no minister, no man of God of any kind. \"A PRIEST, PLEASE!\" the dying man says again. Then out of the crowd steps a little old man dressed shabbily and of at least eighty years of age. \"Mr. Policeman,\" says the man, \"I'm not a priest. I'm not even a Catholic. But for fifty years now I've been living behind St. Elizabeth's Catholic Church on First Avenue, and every night I'm listening to the Catholic litany. Maybe I can be of some comfort to this man.\" The policeman agrees and brings the octogenarian over to where the dying man lay. He kneels down, leans over the injured man and says slowly in a solemn voice:\"B-4. I-19. N-38. G-54. O-72...\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Police Jokes", + "output": "Two guys are driving through Texas when they get pulled over by a state trooper. The trooper walks up, taps on the window with his nightstick, the driver rolls down the window, and the trooper smacks him in the head with the stick. The driver says, \"Why'd you do that? The trooper says, \"You're in Texas, son. When I pull you over, you'll have your license ready.\" Driver says, \"I'm sorry, officer, I'm not from around here.\" The trooper runs a check on the guy's license, and he's clean. He gives the guy his license back and walks around to the passenger side and taps on the window. The passenger rolls his window down, and the trooper smacks him with the nightstick. The passenger says, \"What'd you do that for?\" The cop says, \"Just making your wishes come true.\" The passenger says, \"Huh?\" The cop says, \"I know that two miles down the road you're gonna say, 'I wish that sucker would've tried that with me!'\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Computers", + "output": "A man goes into a pet shop to buy a parrot. The shop owner points to three identical looking parrots on a perch and says:\"The parrot to the left costs 500 dollars\".\"Why does the parrot cost so much?\" the customer asks.The owner says, \"Well, it knows how to use a computer.\"The customer asks about the next parrot and is told \"That one costs 1,000 dollars because it can do everything the other parrot can do plus it knows how to use the UNIX operating system.\"Naturally, the increasingly startled man asks about the third parrot and is told \"That one costs 2,000 dollars.\"Needless to say this begs the question \"What can IT do?\"To which the owner replies \"To be honest I've never seen it do a thing but the other two call him boss!\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Miscellaneous", + "output": "A guy walks into a bar and says to the bartender, \"I want you to give me 12-year scotch, and don't try to fool me because I can tell the difference.\"The bartender is skeptical and decides to try to trick the man with 5-year scotch. The man takes a sip, scowls and says, \"Bartender, this crap is 5-year scotch. I told you I want 12-year scotch.\" The bartender tries once more with 8-year scotch. The man takes a sip, grimaces and says, \"Bartender, I don't want 8-year scotch like this filth. Give me 12-year scotch!\"Impressed, the bartender gets the 12-year scotch, the man takes a sip and sighs, \"Ah, now that's the real thing.\" A disgusting, grimy, stinking drunk has been watching all this with great interest. He stumbles over and sets a glass down in front of the man and says, \"Hey, I think that's really far out what you can do. Try this one.\"The man takes a sip and immediately spits out the liquid and cries, \"Yechhh! This stuff tastes like piss!\" The drunk's eyes light up and he says, \"Yeah, now how old am I?\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Heaven and Hell", + "output": "The following are a sampling of REAL answers received on exams given by the California Department of Transportation's driving school Q: Do you yield when a blind pedestrian is crossing the road? A: What for? He can't see my license plate. Q: Who has the right of way when four cars approach a four-way stop at the same time? A: The pick up truck with the gun rack and the bumper sticker saying, \"Guns don't kill people. I do.\" Q: When driving through fog, what should you use? A: Your car. Q: What problems would you face if you were arrested for drunk driving? A: I'd probably lose my buzz a lot faster. Q: What changes would occur in your lifestyle if you could no longer drive lawfully? A: I would be forced to drive unlawfully. Q: What are some points to remember when passing or being passed? A: Make eye contact and wave \"hello\" if he/she is cute. Q: What is the difference between a flashing red traffic light and a flashing yellow traffic light? A: The color. Q: How do you deal with heavy traffic? A: Heavy psychedelics. Q: What can you do to help ease a heavy traffic problem? A: Carry loaded weapons." + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Lawyers", + "output": "A butcher was minding his store one day, when a dog ran in and stole a cut of meat off his counter. The butcher recognized the dog as belonging to his neighbor who was a lawyer. He called up his neighbor and said \"Your dog stole meat from my store. I believe you owe me for the meat.\" The lawyer said \" You are correct. How much was the meat?\" The butcher told him that it cost $4.50, the lawyer replied that he should receive a check for that amount in the mail the next day. The next day, the check arrived in the mail for $4.50, with a bill attached for $150 \"for legal consultation\"." + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Family, Parents", + "output": "One Sunday morning Chelsea Clinton burst into the living quarters at the White House and said, \"Dad! Mom! I have some great news for you! I am getting married to the greatest hunk in Washington. He lives in Georgetown and his name is Matt.\" After dinner, the President took Chelsea aside. \"Honey, I have to talk with you. Your mother and I have been married a long time. She's a wonderful wife but she's never offered much excitement in the bedroom, so I used to fool around with women a lot. Matt is actually your half-brother, and I'm afraid you can't marry him.\" Chelsea was heartbroken. After eight months, she eventually started dating again. A year later she came home and very proudly announced, \"Robert asked me to marry him! We're getting married in June.\" Again her father insisted on another private conversation and broke the sad news. \"Robert is your half-brother too, honey. I'm awfully sorry about this.\" Chelsea was furious! She finally decided to go to her mother with the news. \"Dad has done so much harm. I guess I'm never going to get married,\" she complained. \"Every time I fall in love, Dad tells me the guy is my half- brother.\" Hillary just shook her head. \"Don't pay any attention to what he says, dear. He's not really your father.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Military", + "output": "You've all heard of the Air Force's ultra-high-security, super-secret base in Nevada, known simply as \"Area 51?\" Well, late one afternoon, the Air Force folks out at Area 51 were very surprised to see a Cessna landing at their \"secret\" base. They immediately impounded the aircraft and hauled the pilot into an interrogation room. The pilot's story was that he took off from Vegas, got lost, and spotted the Base just as he was about to run out of fuel. The Air Force started a full FBI background check on the pilot and held him overnight during the investigation. By the next day, they were finally convinced that the pilot really was lost and wasn't a spy. They gassed up his airplane, gave him a terrifying \"you-did-not-see-a-base\" briefing, complete with threats of spending the rest of his life in prison, told him Vegas was that-a-way on such-and-such a heading, and sent him on his way. The day after that though, to the total disbelief of the Air Force, the same Cessna showed up again. Once again, the MP's surrounded the plane...only this time there were two people in the plane. The same pilot jumped out and said, \"Do anything you want to me, but my wife is in the plane and you have to tell her where I was last night!\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Police Jokes", + "output": "A man was speeding down the highway, feeling secure in a gaggle of cars all traveling at the same speed. However, as they passed a speed trap, he got nailed with an infrared speed detector and was pulled over. The officer handed him the citation, received his signature and was about to walk away when the man asked, \"Officer, I know I was speeding, but I don't think it's fair - there were plenty of other cars around me who were going just as fast, so why did *I* get the ticket?\" \"Ever go fishing?\" the policeman suddenly asked the man. \"Ummm, yeah...\" the startled man replied. The officer grinned and added, \"Ever catch *all* the fish?\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Miscellaneous", + "output": "A few weeks before his death, Orson Welles was talking to his friend and fellow film director Henry Jaglom about Welles' landmark movie, Citizen Kane. \"Make me one promise,\" he told Jaglom, \"Keep Ted Turner and his goddamned crayolas away from my movie.\" Fortunately, when the movie was made, Welles had negotiated a contract with RKO studios giving him complete and absolute control over every aspect of production, including colour – or lack thereof. Although he wanted to, Turner never got a chance to colourize Citizen Kane." + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Miscellaneous", + "output": "A cowboy runs into a bar and says to the bartender, \"Give me twenty shots of your best scotch, quick!\"The bartender pours out the shots, and the cowboy drinks them as fast as he can. The bartender says, \"Wow. I never saw anybody drink that fast.\"The cowboy replies, \"Well, you'd drink that fast too if you had what I have.\"The bartender says, \"Oh my God! What is it? What do you have?\"\"About fifty cents!\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Blind Jokes", + "output": "This blind fella is standing at the corner with his seeing eye dog waiting to cross the street, when his pooch lifts his leg and you guessed it, right down the side of his nice herringbone tweed trousers. The guy immediately reaches into his jacket pocket and retrieves a doggie treat which he starts to offer to Fido.A businessman, who is also waiting to cross the street, observes this happening and interrupts, \"None of my business, but are you aware of the fact that your dog just wizzed all down the leg of your pants?\"\"Yes, I'm trying to break him of that habit\", replies the blind man.\"Well, it's none of my business,\" retorts the onlooker, \"but you're not going to teach him much by rewarding him with a treat!\" To which the blind fella chuckles, \"Oh I'm not rewarding him. I'm just trying to find his head so I can kick his ass!\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Miscellaneous", + "output": "Three blondes were stuck on an island. then, a magic fairy appeared and gave them each a wish. The first one asked to be really smart, so the fairy turned her into a red head and she swam off the island. The second blonde asked to be even smarter, so the fairy turned her into a brunette and she built a boat and sailed off the island. The third blonde asked to be smartest of them all, so the fairy turned her into a man and he walked across the bridge." + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Military", + "output": "Two men were boasting to each other about their old army days. \"Why, my outfit was so well drilled,\" declared one, \"that when they presented arms all you could hear was slap, slap, click.\" \"Very good,\" conceded the other, \"but when my company presented arms you'd just hear slap, slap, jingle.\" \"What was the jingle?\" asked the first. \"Oh,\" replied the other offhand, \"just our medals.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Miscellaneous", + "output": "His And Hers ATMs HIS: 1. Pull up to ATM 2. Insert card 3. PIN number and account 4. Take cash, card and receipt HER: 1. Pull up to ATM 2. Check makeup in rearview mirror 3. Shut off engine 4. Put keys in purse 5. Get out of car because you're too far from machine 6. Hunt for card in purse 7. Insert card 8. Hunt in purse for tampon wrapper with PIN number written on it.9. PIN number 10. Study instructions for at least 2 minutes. 11. Hit \"cancel\" 12. Re- correct PIN number 13. Check balance 14. Look for envelope 15. Look in purse for pen 16. Make out deposit slip 17. Endorse checks 18. Make deposit 19. Study instructions 20. Make cash withdrawal 21. Get in car 22. Check makeup 23. Look for keys 24. Start car 25. Check makeup 26. Start pulling away 27. STOP 28. Back up to machine 29. Get out of car 30. Take card and receipt 31. Get back in car 32. Put card in wallet 33. Put receipt in checkbook 34. deposits and withdrawals in checkbook 35. Clear area in purse for wallet and checkbook 36. Check makeup 37. Put car in reverse gear38. Put car in drive 39. Drive away from machine 40. Travel 3 miles 41. Release parking brake" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Miscellaneous", + "output": "Moses, Jesus and an old man are golfing. Moses steps up to the tee and hits the ball. It goes sailing over the fairway and lands in the water trap. Moses parts the water and chips the ball onto the green. Jesus steps up to the tee and hits the ball. It goes sailing over the fairway and lands in the water trap. Jesus just walks on the water and chips the ball onto the green. The old man steps up to the tee and hits the ball. It goes sailing over the fairway and heads for the water trap. But, just before it falls into the water, a fish jumps up and grabs the ball in its mouth. As the fish is falling back down into the water, an eagle swoops down and grabs the fish in its claws. The eagle flies over the green where a lightning bolt shoots from the sky and barely misses it. Startled, the eagle drops the fish. When the fish hits the ground, the ball pops out of its mouth and rolls into the hole for a hole-in-one. Jesus then turns to the old man and says, \"Dad, if you don't stop fooling around, we won't bring you next time.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Crazy Jokes", + "output": "While leading a party of Girl Scouts through the woods in silent Indian fashion, the troop leader suddenly came upon a clearing where a young couple was engaged in an indecent act. \"Back ladies, back!\" cried the leader. \"There's a very dangerous beast out there!\" But it was too late. Several of the girls had more or less seen it all. They asked their leader what was happening. \"Well, if you must know, that man and woman were practicing a brand new form of artificial respiration.\" \"Wow!\" exclaimed the oldest of the group. \"I know which merit badge I'm gonna try for next.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Money", + "output": "HOW TO IMPRESS A WOMAN:Compliment her, cuddle her, kiss her, caress her, love her, stroke her, tease her, comfort her, protect her, hug her, hold her, spend money on her, wine & dine her, buy things for her, listen to her, care for her, stand by her, support her, go to the ends of the earth for her.... HOW TO IMPRESS A MAN: Show up naked. .... with Beer" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Miscellaneous", + "output": "The Thomas' were shown into the dentist's office, where Mr. Thomas made it clear he was in a big hurry. \"No fancy stuff, Doctor,\" he ordered. \"No gas or needles or any of that stuff. Just pull the tooth and get it over with.\" \"I wish more of my patients were as stoic as you,\" said the dentist admiringly. \"Now, which tooth is it?\" Mr. Thomas turned to his wife Sue. \"Show him your tooth, Honey.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Family, Parents", + "output": "Jonathan took his college roommate, Jake, home for Easter. After dinner, Jonathan addressed his father (who was a man of the cloth): \"Dad, I need to tell you something. Jake and I want to get married and we'd like your blessing.\" Jonathan's father practically exploded. His face turned red and he was speechless for ten solid minutes. When he finally regained his composure, he replied, \"My son, you CANNOT marry Jake. For God's sake, Jon ... he's Jewish!\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Miscellaneous", + "output": "A psychiatrist met a friend and exclaimed, \"I heard you died.\" \"But you see I'm alive ,\" smiled the friend.\"Impossible,\" said the psychiatrist, \"the man who told me is much more reliable than you.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Crazy Jokes", + "output": "A group of psychiatrists were attending a convention. Four of them decided to leave, and walked out together. One said to the other three, \"People are always coming to us with their guilt and fears, but we have no one that we can go to when we have problems.\" The others agreed. Then one said, \"Since we are all professionals, why don't we take some time right now to hear each other out?\" The other three agreed. The first then confessed, \"I have an uncontrollable desire to kill my patients.\" The second psychiatrist said, \"I love expensive things and so I find ways to cheat my patients out of their money whenever I can so I can buy the things I want.\" The third followed with, \"I'm involved with selling drugs and often get my patients to sell them for me.\" The fourth psychiatrist then confessed, \"I know I'm not supposed to, but no matter how hard I try, I can't keep a secret...\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Heaven and Hell", + "output": "There was once a young lawyer, age 29, who was on his way to work when he was hit by a bus. He goes to heaven and meet's St. Peter and pleads, \"I am much to young to die, there must be a mistake!\". St. Peter thinks about this for a moment and goes out the back to consult with God. Ten minutes later he returns saying, \"There's no mistake, according to the hours you have billed your clients, you are 176 years old\"." + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Heaven and Hell", + "output": "The lawyer is standing at the gate to Heaven and St. Peter is listing his sins:1) Defending a large corporation in a pollution suit where he knew they were guilty.2) Defending an obviously guilty murderer because the fee was high.3) Overcharging fees to many clients.4) Prosecuting an innocent woman because a scapegoat was needed in a controversial case....And the list goes on for quite awhile.The lawyer objects and begins to argue his case. He admits all these things, but argues, \"Wait, I've done some charity in my life also.\" St. Peter looks in his book and says, \"Yes, I see. Once you gave a dime to a panhandler and once you gave an extra nickel to the shoeshine boy, correct?\" The lawyer gets a smug look on his face and replies, \"Yes.\" St. Peter turns to the angel next to him and says, \"Give this guy 15 cents and tell him to go to hell.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Sex", + "output": "At a medical convention, a male doctor and a female doctor start eyeing each other. The male doctor asks her to dinner and she accepts. As they sit down at the restaurant, she excuses herself to go and wash her hands. After dinner, one thing leads to another and they end up in her hotel bedroom. Just as things get hot, the female doc interrupts and says she has to go and wash her hands. Once she comes back they go for it. After the sex session, she gets up and says she is going to wash her hands. As she comes back the male doc says \"I bet you are a surgeon.\" She confirms and asks how he knew. \"Easy, you're always washing your hands.\" \"That's very clever\" she says, \"I bet you're an anesthesiologist\". \"Wow, how did you guess?\" \"I didn't feel a thing\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Miscellaneous", + "output": "...These two strings walk up to a bar... The first string walks in and orders and the bartender throws him out and yells \"I don't serve strings in this bar... The other string ruffs himself up on the street and curls up and orders... The bartender shouts, Hey, didn't you hear what I told your buddy?\" String says \"Yeah.\" Bartender says, \"aren't you a string?\" String says, \"No, I'm a frayed knot...\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Sex", + "output": "Two guys are in a bar discussing their sex lives. One guy says to the other, \"How's your sex life, buddy?\" The other guy answers, \"Not too good. Every time me and the missus have sex, she loses interest half-way through. It's very frustrating. \" The first guy says, \"Yeah, I know what you mean. I used to have the same problem, but I found a cure. I hid a starter pistol under the bed. When she started to run out of steam, I simply fired the starter pistol. It gave her such a fright that she got all excited, and couldn't get enough. I wish I'd done it years ago!\" The other guy says, \"Hmmmm... I think I'll try that.\" The next day they are back in the bar again. The first guy says, \"How did you get on with the starter pistol?\" The other guy says, \"Don't talk to me about starter pistols! Last night we were having a little 69. As usual, she lost interest half way through, so I fired the bloody starter pistol, just like you said.\" The first guy says, \" So??? What happened?\" The other guy says, \"She bit my whang, pooped on my face, and a naked man came out of the closet with his hands up! \"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Farmers", + "output": "A Rabbi, a Hindu and a lawyer were driving late at night in the country when their car expired. They set out to find help, and came to a farmhouse. When they knocked at the door, the farmer explained that he had only two beds, and one of the three had to sleep in the barn with the animals. The three quickly agreed.The Rabbi said he would sleep in the barn and let the other two have the beds. Ten minutes after the Rabbi left, there was a knock on the bedroom door. The Rabbi entered exclaiming \"I can't sleep in the barn there is a pig in there. It's against my religion to sleep in the same room with a pig!\"The Hindu said HE would sleep in the barn, as he had no religious problem with pigs. However, about five minutes later, the Hindu burst through the bedroom door saying \"There's a COW in the barn! I can't sleep in the same room as a cow! It's against my religion!\"The lawyer, anxious to get to sleep, said he'd go to the barn, as he had no problem sleeping with animals.In two minutes, the bedroom door burst open and the pig and the cow says..." + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Police Jokes", + "output": "A lawyer opened the door of his BMW, when suddenly a car came along and hit the door, ripping it off completely. When the police arrived at the scene, the lawyer was complaining bitterly about the damage to his precious BMW. \"Officer, look what they've done to my Beeeeemer!!!\", he whined. \"You lawyers are so materialistic, you make me sick!!!\" retorted the officer. \"You're so worried about your stupid BMW, that you didn't even notice that your left arm was ripped off!!!\" \"Oh my gaaaad...\", replied the lawyer, finally noticing the bloody left shoulder where his arm once was. \"Where's my Rolex???!!!!" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Holidays", + "output": "Top Ten Reasons Hurricane Season is Like Christmas 10. Up on a ladder in bad weather; either decorating the house or boarding up windows. 9. You drag out boxes of supplies you haven't used since last season. 8. Last minute shopping in crowded stores. 7. Favorite TV shows pre-empted for 'specials'. 6. Family comes to stay with you. 5. Long distance calls from friends you don't usually hear from. 4. Buying food you don't normally buy - and in large quantities. 3. Days off from work. 2. Candles are your light of choice. And the number one reason Hurricane Season is like Christmas... 1. At some point you wind up with a tree in your house!" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Miscellaneous", + "output": "Tthis blonde is driving down the road in her brand new, candy-apple red, $125,000 Lamborghini. She's cruisin' about 95, radio blaring, having a great time. She comes up on this trucker who is carrying a double-wide home and is taking up both lanes. To her disliking, he is only going about 45. To get the point across that she wants to get past, she decides to tailgate him. So, she gets to within a foot of his rear bumper. The trucker looks back and sees her on his ass, and motions for her to get off of it, but to her it looks like a wave and she waves back. Since her first attempt was futile, she decided to get a little closer and begin flashing her headlights, hopefully making herself more visible in the process. Once again the trucker sees her on his ass, and this time motions for her to pull over to the side of the road. The trucker steps out of his vehicle with a chunk of chalk and draws a circle three feet in diameter in the middle of the road. He instructs her not to move until he tells her to. Naive as she was, she agrees to it and steps inside it. The trucker goes back to his truck and pulls out a 50-ounce Louisville Slugger. He walks over to the Lamborghini and beats it, and beats it, and beats it again. When he is done, all that is left is a brand new, candy-apple red, $125,000 pile of metal. Satisfied, he throws the bat in his truck and walks over to the blonde. When he gets there, to his astonishment, she is rolling around on the street laughing hysterically. He asks her, \"Why are you laughing? I just beat the crap out of your car!!\" She is laughing too hard to respond, but between giggles he can make out, \"While you weren't looking I stepped out of the circle twice!\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Miscellaneous", + "output": "A lawyer defending a man accused of burglary tried this creative defense: \"My client merely inserted his arm into the window and removed a few trifling articles. His arm is not himself, and I fail to see how you can punish the whole individual for an offense committed by his limb.\" \"Well put,\" the judge replied. \"Using your logic, I sentence the defendant's arm to one year's imprisonment. He can accompany it or not, as he chooses.\" The defendant smiled. With his lawyer's assistance he detached his artificial limb, laid it on the bench, and walked out." + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Miscellaneous", + "output": "The man was in a hurry to board the airplane and didn't have time to do the paperwork to get his little doggie on board. So the man stashed the puppy down the front of his pants and sneaked him on the plane. About 30 minutes into the flight, a stewardess noticed that the man was squirming in his seat. \"Are you OK, mister?\" the stewardess asked.\"Yes, I'm fine,\" said the man. Time went by and again the stewardess noticed strange movements. \"Are you sure you're all right, sir?\"\"Yes,\" the man insisted, \"but I have a confession to make. I didn't have time to do the paperwork to bring my puppy on board, so I hid him down the front of my pants.\"\"I see,\" the stewardess said. \"Well, as long as he's housebroken, I guess it will be OK.\"\"Oh, he's housebroken,\" the man replied. \"The problem is, he's not weaned yet!\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Miscellaneous", + "output": "A pirate walked into a bar and the bartender said, \"Hey, I haven't seen you in a while. What happened, you look terrible!\" \"What do you mean? I'm fine.\" \"What about that wooden leg? You didn't have that before.\" \"Well,\" said the pirate, \"We were in a battle at sea and a cannon ball hit my leg but the Doc fixed me up, and I'm fine, really.\" \"Oh yeah? Well what about that hook? The last time I saw you, you had both hands.\" \"We were in another battle and we boarded the enemy ship. I was in a sword fight and my hand was cut off but the Doc fixed me up with the hook, and I feel great, really.\" \"Oh,\" said the bartender, \"what about that eye patch? The last time you were in here you had both eyes.\" \"One day when we were at sea some birds were flying over the ship. I looked up and one of them crapped in my eye.\" \"You're kidding,\" said the bartender, \"you couldn't have lost an eye just from some bird crap!\" \"Well, I really wasn't used to the hook yet.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Family, Parents", + "output": "A Dr. is walking down through the hall of the hospital toward his office when he passes Mother Angelica walking very briskly while saying her rosary rather loudly. His associate, a psychiatrist, comes around the corner next and he asks him about this. \"Hey, what's with Mother Angelica? She was just hoofing down the hall and saying her rosary to beat the band.\" \"Aw, I just told her she was pregnant.\" \"My God, is she?\" \"No, of course not, but it sure cured her hiccups!\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Miscellaneous", + "output": "A man walks into a doctor's office. He has a cucumber up his nose, a carrot in his left ear and a banana in his right ear. \"What's the matter with me?\" he asks the doctor. The doctor replies, \"You're not eating properly.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Heaven and Hell", + "output": "St. Peter stood at the Pearly Gates, waiting for the incoming. He saw Jesus walking by and caught his attention. \"Jesus, could you mind the gate while I go do an errand?\" \"Sure,\" replied Jesus. \"What do I have to do?\" \"Just find out about the people who arrive. Ask about their background, their family, and their lives. Then decide if they deserve entry into Heaven.\" \"Sounds easy enough. OK.\" So Jesus waited at the gates while St. Peter went off on his errand. The first person to approach the gates was a wrinkled old man. Jesus summoned him to the examination table and sat across from him. Jesus peered at the old man and asked, \"What was it you did for a living?\" The old man replied, \"I was a carpenter.\" Jesus remembered his own earthly existence and leaned forward. \"Did you have any family?\" he asked. \"Yes, I had a son, but I lost him.\" Jesus leaned forward some more. \"You lost our son? Can you tell me about him?\" \"Well, he had holes in his hands and feet.\" Jesus leaned forward even more and whispered, \"Father?\" The old man leaned forward and whispered, \"Pinocchio?\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Family, Parents", + "output": "\"Do you believe in life after death?\" the boss asked one of his employees. \"Yes, sir,\" the clerk replied.\"That's good,\" the boss said. \"After you left early yesterday to go to your grandmother's funeral, she stopped in to see you.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Heaven and Hell", + "output": "In a long line of people waiting for a bank teller, one guy suddenly started massaging the back of the person in front of him. Surprised, the man in front turned and snarled, \"Just what the hell you are doing?\" \"Well,\" said the guy, \"you see, I'm a chiropractor and I could see that you were tense, so I had to massage your back. Sometimes I just can't help practicing my art!\" \"That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard!\" the guy replied. \"I work for the IRS. Do you see me screwing the guy in front of me?\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Miscellaneous", + "output": "At 3 am a desk clerk at a hotel gets a call from a drunk guy asking what time the bar opens. \"It opens at noon,\" answers the clerk. About an hour, later he gets a call from the same guy, sounding even drunker. \"What time does the bar open?\" he asks. \"Same time as before - noon,\" replies the clerk. Another hour passes and he calls again, plastered. \"Whatjoo shay the bar opins at?\"The clerk then answers, \"It opens at noon, but if you can't wait, I can have room service send something up to you.\" \"No! I don't wanna git in, ah wanna git OUT!\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Miscellaneous", + "output": "It had snowed in Washington DC and Hillary had just arrived home and was walking into the White House when she noticed that someone had pissed in the snow, \"I love you Hillary\". Outraged she asked a secret service agent to find who had done this disgusting act. A while later the agent came back and Hillary asked if he had found the culprit. The agent said, \"I have good news and bad news. The good news is that the piss is Bills but the bad news is that the hand writing is Monica Lewinsky's.\"." + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Money", + "output": "A guy goes to a bar and sees a big jar of 5 dollar bills in it. He asks the bartender \"What's with the money?\" the bartender replies \"we're having a contest. You have to put in 5 dollars in the jar. then you have to complete 3 tasks. If you pass, you get all the money in the jar\" \"ah what the hell. lets give it a try.\" says the man, and puts the five dollars in the jar. \"first\" says the bartender, \"you have to drink a large glass of tequila without making a face. second, there is a vicious rottweiler outside with a sore tooth. you have to pull out the sore tooth. third, upstairs there is an old woman who has never had sex in her life. you have to have sex with her. ok?\" \"fine\" says the man. the bartender gives him the glass of tequila. the man drinks the whole thing without making a face. Now drunk, he goes outside. The bartender hears lots of yelling and barking. when the man comes back, he is all shredded up. he asks \"ok, where's the woman with the sore tooth?\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Miscellaneous", + "output": "Over breakfast one morning, a woman said to her husband, \"I bet you don't know what day this is.\" \"Of course I do,\" he indignantly answered, going out the door to the office. At 10 AM, the doorbell rang and when the woman opened the door, she was handed a box containing a dozen long stemmed red roses. At 1 PM, a foil wrapped, two pound box of her favorite chocolates arrived . Later, a boutique delivered a designer dress. The woman couldn't wait for her husband to come home. \"First the flowers, then the chocolates and then the dress!\" she exclaimed. \"I've never had a more wonderful Groundhog Day in my life!\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Miscellaneous", + "output": "A Russian, a Cuban, an American and a Lawyer are in a train. The Russian takes a bottle of the Best Vodka out of his pack pours some into a glass, drinks it, and says: \"In USSR, we have the best vodka of the world, nowhere in the world you can find Vodka as good as the one we produce in Ukrainia. And we have so much of it, that we can just throw it away...\" Saying that, he opens the window and throws the rest of the bottle through it. All the others are quite impressed.The Cuban takes out a pack of Havanas, takes one of them, lights it and begins to smoke it saying: \"In Cuba, we have the best cigars of the world: Havanas. Nowhere in the world there is so many and so good cigars and we have so much of them, that we can just throw them away...\". Saying that, he throws the pack of havanas through the window. One more time, everybody is quite impressed.At this time, the American just stands up, opens the window, and throws the Lawyer through it..." + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Miscellaneous", + "output": "A woman gets into a cab and gives the cab driver an address all the way across town. When they arrive, the woman says, \"I have no money.\"The cabbie says, \"I have to get paid.\"The woman raises her dress and asks, \"Will this do?\"The cabbie says, \"Don't you have anything smaller?\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Sex", + "output": "Two 95 year old men sitting at the senior center one day when the onesays, \"I have to get right home!\"\"What's your hurry?\" asks the other.\"Me and the wife are having sex again today\".\"Again? How often do you have sex?\"\"Every day! I don't have time to talk but I'll tell you what the secret is...Pumpernickel Bread.\" And he scurried off.As the other old guy was walking home, he passed a bakery and wandered in.\"Do you have any Pumpernickel Bread?\" he asked the lady behind thecounter.\"Yes, we have 3 shelves of Pumpernickel Bread.\"\"I'll take it all.\" the old man blurts out.The lady was surprised and says \"All of it! It will get hard.\"The old man replies \"WHY DOES EVERYONE KNOW ABOUT THIS BUT ME?\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Heaven and Hell", + "output": "Two deaf men were talking on their coffee break, about being out late the night before. The first man said,\" My wife was asleep when I got home, so I was able to sneak into bed, and not get into trouble.\" The second deaf man said, \" Boy you're lucky. My wife was wide awake, waiting for me in bed, and she started swearing at me and giving me hell for being out so late.\" The first deaf man asked, \" So what did you do?\" \"I turned out the light,\" the second man replied." + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Computers", + "output": "A lawyer and a blonde are sitting next to each other on a long flight from LA to NY. The lawyer leans over to her and asks if she would like to play a fun game. The blonde just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists and explains that the game is really easy and a lot of fun. He explains: \"I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5, and visa-versa.\" Again, she politely declines and tries to get some sleep. The lawyer, now somewhat agitated, says, \"Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $50\" figuring that since she is a blonde that he will easily win the match. This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring that there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, she agrees to the game. The lawyer asks the first question: \"What's the distance from the earth to the moon?\" The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a five-dollar bill and hands it to the lawyer. Now, it's the blonde's turn. She asks the lawyer: \"What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?\" The lawyer looks at her with a puzzled look. He takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references. He taps into the digital cellphone via infra-red wireless connection to his modem port and searches the Net and the Library of Congress. Frustrated, he sends E-mail to all his co-workers, friends, clients, and suppliers that he knows. And then some. All to no avail. After over an hour, he wakes the blonde and hands her $50. The blonde politely takes the $50 and turns away to get back to sleep. The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, \"Well, so what IS the answer?\" Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5, and goes back to sleep." + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Miscellaneous", + "output": "A man stumbles up to the only other patron in the bar and asks if he could buy him a drink. \"Why of course,\" comes the reply. The first man then asks, \"Where are you from?\" I'm from Ireland,\" replies the second man. The first man responds, \"You don't say. I'm from Ireland too! Let's have another round to Ireland.\" \"Of course,\" replies the second man, and they both pour back their drinks. Curious, the first man then asks, \"Where in Ireland are you from?\" \"Dublin,\" comes the reply. \"I can't believe it says the first man. \"I'm from Dublin too! Let's have another drink to Dublin!\" The men both continue drinking. Curiosity strikes again and the first man asks, \"What school did you go to?\" \"St. Mary's,\" replied the second man. \"I graduated in '62.\" \"This is unbelievable,\" the first man says. \"I went to St. Mary's and I graduated in '62, too!\" About that time, in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the bar. \"What's been going on?\" he asks the bartender. \"Nothing much,\" replies the bartender. \"The O'Mally twins are drunk again.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Miscellaneous", + "output": "Mr. Johnson, a businessman from Wisconsin, went on a business trip to Louisiana. He immediately sent an e-mail back to his wife, Jean. Unfortunately, he mistyped a letter and the e-mail ended up going to a Mrs. Joan Johnson, the wife of a preacher who just passed away. The preacher's wife took one look at the e-mail and promptly fainted. When she was finally revived, she nervously pointed to the message, which read: \"Arrived safely, but it sure is hot down here!\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Miscellaneous", + "output": "A very nervous man, accompanied by his nagging wife, was examined by a doctor. After checking the chart, he nodded and wrote the man a prescription for a powerful tranquilizer. The man asked, \"How often do I take these?\" \"Let's start off with once every six hours. But they're not for you,\" replied the doctor. \"They're for your wife.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Farmers", + "output": "A motorist, after being bogged down in a muddy road, paid a passing farmer five dollars to pull him out with his tractor. After he was back on dry ground, he said to the farmer, \"At those prices, I should think you would be pulling people out of the mud night and day.\" \"Can't,\" replied the farmer. \"At night I haul water for the hole.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Miscellaneous", + "output": "A beautiful, well-dressed blonde seats herself in the first class cabin on a cross-country flight, and settles herself in for the trip, smiling prettily at admiring passengers seated around her.Underway, a flight attendant soon approaches the blonde and says, 'Miss, I'm sorry, but I see that your ticket is for coach, and you're seated in first class I'm afraid you'll have to move.' The blonde replies, 'I'm blonde, and I'm beautiful, and I'm going to New York to be a model.' Slightly incredulous, the attendant alerts the senior flight attendant. The senior attendant approaches the blonde and says, politely, 'I'm sorry, Miss, but since your ticket is for coach, you'll have to move back.' The blonde replies, sweetly, 'I'm blonde, and I'm beautiful, and I'm going to New York to be a model' -- and shows no signs of moving. Frustrated, the senior attendant informs the captain, and he says he'll deal with the problem. He turns over flight control, walks to the rear, and observes the blonde seated comfortably in first class. Approaching her with a smile, the captain leans over and speaks quietly into the blonde's ear. Almost immediately, the blonde gathers her things, gets up, and moves quickly to the coach compartment. Amazed, the senior flight attendant asks the captain, 'Captain, I'm impressed ... what did you say to her?' The captain grinned slyly and said, 'I just told her that the first class cabin doesn't go to New York.'" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Miscellaneous", + "output": "A lawyer and an engineer were fishing in the Caribbean. The lawyer said, \"I'm here because my house burned down, and everything I owned was destroyed by the fire. The insurance company paid for everything.\" \"That's quite a coincidence,\" said the engineer. \"I'm here because my house and all my belongings were destroyed by a flood, and my insurance company also paid for everything.\" The lawyer looked somewhat confused. \"How do you start a flood?\" he asked." + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Miscellaneous", + "output": "The man approached a very beautiful woman in a large supermarket and asked, \"You know, I've lost my wife here in the supermarket. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?\" \"Why?\" she asks. \"Because every time I talk to a beautiful woman, my wife appears out of nowhere.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Miscellaneous", + "output": "A guy is at a bar, laughing with friends when he goes over to watch the bar tender. The bar is nice and clean and the bartender is putting down the finishing touches. The guy goes, \"You seem like a bettin' man.\" The bartender replies, \"everyday of the week except Sunday.\" The guy goes \"I bet you 500$ if I stood on the bar, and you pushed a bar glass under me, I could piss all in it, and not get a wince of it on the bar.\" The bartender laughs and says\" I'll take you on that bet.\" So he goes and gets a glass, while the guy is unzipping his pants.\"Ready\" the bartender goes and the man replies \"FIRE AWAY!\" so the bartender pushes the glass and the guy pisses everywhere but the glass. He zipped his pants on and the bartender starts laughing, and says \"See boy, it can't be done!\" the guy pays him smiling all the way. The bartender asks \"Boy what are you so happy about? You just lost $500\" he replies \" I just bet that man over there I could piss all over your bar and make you laugh about it!\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Miscellaneous", + "output": "A guy goes up to this girl in a bar and says, \"Would you like to dance?\" The girl says, \"I don't like this song, but even if I did, I wouldn't dance with you.\" The guy says, \"I'm sorry, you must have misunderstood me, I said you look fat in those pants.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Miscellaneous", + "output": "Young Son: Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?Dad: That happens in every country, son." + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Farmers", + "output": "There was a mamma mole, a papa mole, and a baby mole. They lived in a hole outside of a farm house out in the country. The papa mole reached his head out of the hole and said, \"Mmmmm, I smell sausage. The mama mole reached her head outside of the hole and said \"Mmmmmm, I smell pancakes.\" The baby mole tried to reach his head outside the hole but couldn't because of the two bigger moles. The baby mole said, \"The only thing I can smell is molasses.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Religious", + "output": "In a certain suburban neighborhood, there were two brothers, 8 and 10 years old, who were exceedingly mischievous. Whatever went wrong in the neighborhood, it turned out they had had a hand in it. Their parents were at their wit's end trying to control them. Hearing about a priest nearby who worked with delinquent boys, the mother suggested to the father that they ask the priest to talk with the boys. The father replied, \"Sure, do that before I kill them!\" The mother went to the priest and made her request. He agreed, but said he wanted to see the younger boy first and alone. So the mother sent him to the priest. The priest sat the boy down across a huge, impressive desk he sat behind. For about five minutes they just sat and stared at each other. Finally, the priest pointed his forefinger at the boy and asked, \"Where is God?\" The boy looked under the desk, in the corners of the room, all around, but said nothing. Again, louder, the priest pointed at the boy and asked \"Where is God?\" Again the boy looked all around but said nothing. A third time, in a louder, firmer voice, the priest leaned far across the desk and put his forefinger almost to boy's nose, and asked, \"Where is God? The boy panicked and ran all the way home. Finding his older brother, he dragged him upstairs to their room and into the closet, where they usually plotted their mischief. He finally said, \"We are in BIIIIG trouble.\" The older boy asked, \"What do you mean, BIIIIG trouble?\" his brother replied, \"God is missing and they think we did it.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Family, Parents", + "output": "Top Ten Reasons Why The Computer Industry Is Finally Opening Up To Women 1. It's easier for a woman to \"turn on\" a computer2. Women don't have motherboard fixations.3. Women are much better at FDISK-ing a hard drive4. When lost on the Internet, women are willing to ask for directions.5. Women can communicate gossip and rumors quicker than the fastest modem.6. Only women (I think) can marry Bill Gates.7. Women see a 14 inch monitor they think it's a 14 incher and not a 20.8. Women have bigger SMART drives.9. Women don't think with their joysticks.10. Women actually read installation manuals." + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Heaven and Hell", + "output": "President Clinton and the Pope died on the same day, and due to an administrative foul up, Clinton was sent to heaven and the Pope was sent to hell. The Pope explained the situation to the devil, he checked out all of the paperwork, and the error was acknowledged. The Pope was told, however, that it would take about 24 hours to fix the problem and correct the error. The next day, the Pope was called in and the devil said his good-byes as he went off to heaven. On his way up, he met Clinton who was on his way down. They stopped to chat. \"Sorry about the mix up\" says the Pope. \"No problem,\" replies Clinton. \"Well, I'm really excited about going to heaven.\" Clinton asks, \"Why's that?\" \"Well, I've always wanted to meet the Virgin Mary.\"President Clinton replies, \"you're a day late\"." + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Miscellaneous", + "output": "There was a blonde, a brunette, and a redhead stranded on an island. The nearest land was about 20 miles away. Well, they're all getting sick of one another, and the brunette decides to swim the 20 miles to land. So she swims, and swims, and swims, gets about 10 miles, about half way, and she is exhausted. So she puts up her arms...and drowns. The redhead is thinking, \"She must have made it!\" So she swims, and swims, and swims, gets about 10 miles, about half way, and she is exhausted. So she puts up her arms...and drowns. The blonde is left on the island thinking, \"They must have made it!\" So she swims, and swims, and swims, and gets 19 miles! She can see the beaches and the tall buildings, but she is exhausted! So she puts up her arms... and swims back to the island. :-)" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Miscellaneous", + "output": "At the cocktail party, one woman said to another, \"Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?\" The other replied, \"Yes, I am, I married the wrong man.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Miscellaneous", + "output": "During a recent publicity outing, Hillary sneaked off to visit a fortune teller of some local repute. In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the mystic delivered grave news. \"There's no easy way to say this, so I'll just be blunt: Prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year.\" Visibly shaken, Hillary stared at the woman's lined face, then at the single flickering candle, then down at her hands. She took a few deep breaths to compose herself. She simply had to know. She met the fortune teller's gaze, steadied her voice, and asked her question. \"Will I be acquitted?\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Family, Parents", + "output": "A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman's face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny. So the husband offered to donate some of his own skin. However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his buttocks. The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from and requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter. After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before! All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty! One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice. She said, \"Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. There is no way I could ever repay you.\" \"My darling,\" he replied, \"I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Money", + "output": "There once was a rich man who was near death. He was very grieved because he had worked so hard for his money and he wanted to be able to take it with him to heaven. So he began to pray that he might be able to take some of his wealth with him. An angel hears his plea and appears to him. \"Sorry, but you can't take your wealth with you.\" The man implores the angel to speak to God to see if He might bend the rules. The man continues to pray that his wealth could follow him. The angel reappears and informs the man that God had decided to allow him to take one suitcase with him. Overjoyed, the man gathers his largest suitcase and fills it with pure gold bars and places it beside his bed. Soon afterward the man dies and shows up at the Gates of Heaven to greet St. Peter. Peter seeing the suitcase says, \"Hold on, you can't bring that in here!\" But, the man explains to Peter that he has permission and asks him to verify his story with the Lord. Sure enough, Peter checks and comes back saying, \"You're right. You are allowed one carry-on bag, but I'm supposed to check it's contents before letting it through.\"Peter opens the suitcase to inspect the worldly items that the man found too precious to leave behind and exclaims, \"You brought pavement?!!!\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Miscellaneous", + "output": "For three years, the young attorney had been taking his brief vacations at this country inn. The last time he'd finally managed an affair with the innkeeper's daughter. Looking forward to an exciting few days, he dragged his suitcase up the stairs of the inn, then stopped short. There sat his lover with an infant on her lap!\"Helen, why didn't you write when you learned you were pregnant?\" he cried. \"I would have rushed up here, we could have gotten married, and the baby would have my name!\"\"Well,\" she said, \"when my folks found out about my condition, we sat up all night talkin' and talkin' and decided it would be better to have a bastard in the family than a lawyer.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Miscellaneous", + "output": "A housewife, an accountant and a lawyer were asked \"How much is 2+2?\"The housewife replies: \"Four!\".The accountant says: \"I think it's either 3 or 4. Let me run those figures through my spreadsheet one more time.\"The lawyer pulls the drapes, dims the lights and asks in a hushed voice, \"How much do you want it to be?" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Miscellaneous", + "output": "Attorney to witness: \"And where was the location of the accident?\" Witness: \"Approximately milepost 499.\" Attorney: \"And where is milepost 499?\" Witness: \"About halfway between milepost 498 and milepost 500.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Animals", + "output": "A very wealthy man, old and desperately ill, summons to his bedside his three closest advisors: his doctor, his priest, and his lawyer. \"-I know,-\" he says, \"they say 'you can't take it with you.' But who knows? Suppose they're mistaken. I'd like to have something with me, just in case. So I am giving each of you an envelope containing one hundred thousand dollars and I would be grateful if at my funeral you would put the envelopes in my coffin, so that if it turns out that it's useful, I'll have something.\" They each agree to carry out his wish. Sure enough, after just a few weeks, the old man passes away. At his funeral, each of the three advisors is seen slipping something into the coffin. After the burial, as the three are walking away together, the doctor turns to the other two and says, \"-Friends, I have a confession to make. As you know, at the hospital we are desperate because of the cutbacks in funding. Our CAT SCAN machine broke down and we haven't be able to get a new one. So, I took $20,000 of our friend's money for a new CAT SCAN and put the rest in the coffin as he asked.-\" At this the priest says, \"-I, too have a confession to make. As you know, our church is simply overwhelmed by the problem of the homeless. The needs keep increasing and we have nowhere to turn. So I took $50,000 from the envelope for our homeless fund and put the rest in the coffin as our friend requested.-\" Fixing the other two in his gaze, the lawyer says \"-I am astonished and deeply disappointed that you would treat so casually our solemn undertaking to our friend. I want you to know that I placed in his coffin my personal check for the full one hundred thousand dollars.-\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Medical", + "output": "A young woman was in the hospital, recovering from major surgery. She hated being stuck in the tiny little room all day and to make matters worse, the daily routine was starting to get to her. Every morning, for example, the nurse would bring her breakfast (which always consisted of an egg, piece of toast, and glass of apple juice). She would then return a little bit later to empty the urine bottle. And so it continued... Finally, one morning, she decided to have a little fun. She ate the eggs and the toast, but went to the bathroom where she cleaned the urine bottle out, then poured the apple juice into it. When the nurse returned later that morning, he took a look at the bottle and a frown came over his face. \"Obviously, you enjoyed your breakfast, but something must be wrong because this looks a little cloudy,\" he said, pointing to the urine bottle. \"Oh, really?\" she replied, picking up the bottle in question and putting it to her lips. \"In that case, we'd better run it through again...\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Idiots", + "output": "A woman was talking to her friend about her recent trip to Spokane, Washington. Her friend asked her how she liked Spokane. \"I don't know,\" she answered. \"I never got there.\" \"You never got there!\" her friend exclaimed. \"What do you mean?\" \"You know me,\" the woman answered. \"I have to stop at every rest area. Well, they all say 'clean bathrooms' and I can tell you... it takes longer than you think!\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Miscellaneous", + "output": "An Irishman was in the South of France and could not understand why Pierre had attracted so many girls on the beach and he had attracted no one. So he asked Pierre, \"How do you manage to attract all the girls and I attract no one?\" Pierre said, \"Take a potato and tuck it in your swimming costume, it drives the women wild.\" So the Irishman stuffed a potato in his costume and paraded up and down the beach. After a great many hours, however, he still failed to arouse a woman. So the Irishman went to see Pierre again and said, \"I've tried it Pierre, it doesn't work!\" Pierre took one look at the Irishman and said, \"You might try putting the potato in the front of your bathing suit!\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Miscellaneous", + "output": "\"I have a bad headache. I'll visit the doctor.\"\"Nonsense, yesterday I had a headache, I dashed home, gave a big kiss to my wife and the pain disappeared. Why don't you try it?\"\"Good idea, call up your wife and tell her I'll be right over.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Miscellaneous", + "output": "Two boys are playing football in Golden Gate Park when one is attacked by a Rottweiler. Thinking quickly, the other boy rips off a board of the nearby fence, wedges it down the dog's collar and twists, breaking the dog's neck. A reporter who is strolling by sees the incident, and rushes over to interview the boy. \"Forty Niners' fan saves friend from vicious animal\", he starts writing in his notebook. \"But I'm not a Niners fan,\" the boy replies. \"Oakland Raiders' fan rescues friend from horrific attack,\" the reporter starts again. \"I'm not a Raiders fan either,\" the boy says. \"Then what are you?\" the reporter says. \"I'm a Cowboys fan!!!\" The reporter starts a new sheet in his notebook and writes, \"Redneck bastard kills family pet.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Sex", + "output": "Two women were at a bar. One looked at the other and said, \"You know, 80 percent of all men think the best way to end an argument is to make love.\"\"Well,\" said the other woman,\" that will certainly revolutionize the game of hockey!\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Money", + "output": "HOW TO IMPRESS A WOMAN:Compliment her, cuddle her, kiss her, caress her, love her, stroke her, tease her, comfort her, protect her, hug her, hold her, spend money on her, wine & dine her, buy things for her, listen to her, care for her, stand by her, support her, go to the ends of the earth for her.... HOW TO IMPRESS A MAN: Show up naked. .... with Beer" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Miscellaneous", + "output": "A passenger train is creeping along, slowly. Finally it creaks to a halt. A passenger sees a conductor walking by outside. \"What's going on?\" she yells out the window. \"Cow on the track!\" replies the conductor. Ten minutes later, the train resumes its slow pace. Within five minutes, however, it stops again. The woman sees the same conductor walk again. She leans out the window and yells, \"What happened? Did we catch up with the cow again?\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Military", + "output": "It was early morning at the military base, and the first sergeant was calling out names for the daily work parties listed on a piece of paper: \"Ames\" \"Here!\" \"Jenson\" \"Here!\" \"Jones\" \"Here!\" \"Magersky\" \"Here!\" \"Seeback\" No answer. \"Seeback!\" No answer was heard again. \"SEEBACK!!!\" The troops remained totally silent. At that point, someone whispered into the first sergeant's ear. He looked again at what the last name really said, quickly turned over the list and continued calling the names printed on the other side." + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Computers", + "output": "A man goes into a pet shop to buy a parrot. The shop owner points to three identical looking parrots on a perch and says:\"The parrot to the left costs 500 dollars\".\"Why does the parrot cost so much?\" the customer asks.The owner says, \"Well, it knows how to use a computer.\"The customer asks about the next parrot and is told \"That one costs 1,000 dollars because it can do everything the other parrot can do plus it knows how to use the UNIX operating system.\"Naturally, the increasingly startled man asks about the third parrot and is told \"That one costs 2,000 dollars.\"Needless to say this begs the question \"What can IT do?\"To which the owner replies \"To be honest I have never seen it do a thing but the other two call him boss!\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Heaven and Hell", + "output": "Bill Gates dies and goes to hell. Satan greets him, \"Welcome Mr. Gates, we've been waiting for you. This will be your home for all eternity. You've been selfish, greedy and a big liar all your life. Now, since you've got me in a good mood, I'll be generous and give you a choice of three places in which you'll be locked up forever.\" Satan takes Bill to a huge lake of fire in which millions of poor souls are tormented and tortured. He then takes him to a massive coliseum where thousands of people are chased about and devoured by starving lions. Finally, he takes Bill to a tiny room in which there is a beautiful young blonde with an alluring look on her face, sitting at a table on which there is a bottle of the finest wine. To Bill's delight, he sees a PC in the corner. Without hesitation, Bill says \"I'll take this option.\" \"Fine,\" says Satan, allowing Bill to enter the room. Satan locks the room after Bill. As he turns around, he bumps into Lucifer. \"That was Bill Gates!\" cried Lucifer. \"Why did you give him the best place of all?\" \"That's what everyone thinks,\" snickered Satan. \"The bottle has a hole in it and the girl hasn't.\" \"What about the PC?\" \"It's got Windows 95!\" laughed Satan. \"And it's missing three keys.\" \"Which three?\" \"Control, Alt and Delete.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Bar Jokes", + "output": "Every night, after dinner, a man took off for the local tavern. He spent the whole evening there, and arrived home very drunk around midnight each night. He always had trouble getting his key into the keyhole and getting the door opened. His wife, waiting up for him, would go to the door and let him in. Then she would proceed to yell and scream at him, for his constant nights out, and coming home in a drunken state. But, Harry continued his nightly routine. One day, the wife was talking to a friend about her husband's behavior, and was particularly distraught by it all. The friend listened to her, and then said, \"Why don't you treat him a little differently, when he comes home? Instead of berating him, why don't you give him some loving words, and welcome him home with a kiss? He then might change his ways.\" The wife thought that might be a good idea. That night, Harry took off again, after dinner. And, about midnight, he arrived home, in his usual condition. His wife heard him at the door, and quickly went to it, and opened the door, and let Harry in. This time, instead of berating him, as she had always done, she took his arm, and led him into the living room. She sat him down in an easy chair, put his feet up on the ottoman and took his shoes off. Then she went behind him, and started to cuddle him a little. After a little while, she said to him, \"It's pretty late, dear. I think we had better go upstairs to bed, now, don't you think?\" At that, Harry replied, in his inebriated state, \"I guess we might as well. I'll be getting in trouble with the stupid wife when I get home anyway!\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Miscellaneous", + "output": "There's a guy with a Doberman Pinscher and a guy with a Chihuahua. The guy with the Doberman Pinscher says to the guy with a Chihuahua, \"Let's go over to that restaurant and get something to eat.\"The guy with the Chihuahua says, \"We can't go in there. We've got dogs with us.\" The guy with the Doberman Pinscher says, \"Just follow my lead. They walk over to the restaurant, the guy with the Doberman Pinscher puts on a pair of dark glasses, and he starts to walk in. A guy at the door says, \"Sorry, mac, no pets allowed.\"The guy with the Doberman Pinscher says, \"You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye dog.\" The guy at the door says, \"A Doberman Pinscher?\" He says, \"Yes, they're using them now, they're very good.\" The guy at the door says, \"Come on in.\" The guy with the Chihuahua figures, \"What the heck,\" so he puts on a pair of dark glasses and starts to walk in.The guy at the door says, \"Sorry, pal, no pets allowed.\" The guy with the Chihuahua says, \"You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye dog.\" The guy at the door says, \"A Chihuahua?\" The guy with the Chihuahua says, \"You mean they gave me a Chihuahua?\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Heaven and Hell", + "output": "Bill Gates dies and is up at the pearly gates. St Peter: Well, you've got a choice. Have a look around here. Pop down to Hell and see what Satan has to offer. Check us out, and then let me know your decision. Bill has a look around heaven. Lots of somber people singing hymns, praising the Lord . He goes down to Hell. There are beautiful beaches, lots of sun, sand, attractive women . Long cool drinks that never get you drunk. He loves it. He goes back to St Peter. Gates: Look, I know you're really doing good things here, but Hell seems more with it. More my kind of scene, you know what I mean? No hard feelings, but I pick Hell. St Peter: No worries. You've got it. Bill finds himself back in Hell, neck deep in fire and brimstone, suffering eternal torment. He can't figure it out. Gates: Hey! St Peter! Where are the beautiful girls and long beaches and cool drinks? St Peter: Sorry if you got confused, That was just the demo version" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Miscellaneous", + "output": "A wealthy woman is giving a garden party, and several well-to-do guests attend. While the party ensues, two gardeners are out on the back lawn working. One of the guests was watching the gardeners do their thing, and while one gardener was busy weeding the other jumped up and did graceful swirling dance movements. Taken by his grace, the guest remarked to the host, 'That man is such a talented dancer, that I'd pay him a hundred pounds to demonstrate his dancing before my aerobics class!' When the host asked the first gardener about such an arrangement, he yelled, 'Hey Fred! Do you think for a hundred pounds you could step on that rake again?'" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Miscellaneous", + "output": "A man walked into a supermarket with his zipper down, and his fly wide open.A lady cashier walked up to him and said, \"Your barracks door is open.\" This is not a phrase men normally use, so he went on his way looking a bit puzzled.When he was about done shopping, a man came up and said, \"Your fly is open.\"He zipped up and finished his shopping, and remembering what the cashier had told him, finally understood.He then intentionally got in the line to check out where the lady was that told him about his \"barracks door.\" He was planning to have a little fun with her.When he reached her counter he said, \"When you saw my barracks door open did you see a soldier standing in there at attention?\" The lady thought for a moment and said, \"No, no I didn't.All I saw was a disabled veteran sitting on two duffel bags.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Heaven and Hell", + "output": "\"Doc, you've gotta help me! My wife just isn't interested in sex anymore. Haven't you got a pill or something I can give her?\" \"Look, I can't prescribe...\" \"Doc, we've been friends for years. Have you ever seen me this upset? I am desperate! I can't think; I can't concentrate; my life is going utterly to hell! You've got to help me.\" The doctor opens his desk drawer and removes a small bottle of pills. \"Ordinarily, I wouldn't do this. These are experimental; the tests so far indicate that they're VERY powerful. Don't give her more than ONE, understand? Just ONE.\" \"I don't know, doc, she's awfully cold...\" \"One. No more. In her coffee. Okay?\" \"Um, okay.\" The guy expresses gratitude and leaves for home, where his wife has dinner waiting. When dinner is finished, she goes to the kitchen to bring dessert. The man hastily pulls the pills from his pocket and drops one into his wife's coffee. He reflects for a moment, hesitates, then drops in a second pill. And then he begins to worry. The doctor did say they were powerful. Then inspiration strikes, he drops one pill into his own coffee. His wife returns with the shortcake and they enjoy their dessert and coffee. Sure enough, a few minutes after they finish, his wife shudders a little, sighs deeply and heavily, and a strange look comes over her. In a near-whisper and a tone of voice he has never heard her use before, she says, \"I...need...a man\" His eyes glitter and his hands tremble as he replies, \"Me...too...\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Crazy Jokes", + "output": "There were three fathers to be in a hospital waiting room, waiting for their babies to be born. The nurse came out and told the first father, \"Congratulations, you're the father of twins!\" \"It figures,\" the first father said. \"I'm the manager of the Minnesota Twins.\" Five minutes later the nurse came out and told the second father, \"Congratulations you're the father of triplets!\" \"It figures,\" the second father said. \"I work for 3M.\" At that the third father fainted dead away. The second father turned to the first and asked, \"What's the matter with him?\" The first father replied, \"He works for 7-Up!\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Animals", + "output": "Two brothers, John and Richard lived in the same town. John with his 12 year old cat, Richard with their 88 year old Mother. John's whole life was his cat. He never went anywhere without her. One day he was faced with a terrible decision. He had to go to England on business for his company and he could not take the cat into England with having to quarantine her for 14 days. He wouldn't do that so he was faced with either losing his job or leaving his cat. Finally he decided to trust his brother with the cat for the week he would be gone. He gave Richard detailed instructions, schedules, food, etc. Finally he flew to London and called Richard every few hours to make sure Gracie the cat was ok. 4 days of this went by and John was really getting to be a pain in the neck. On the fifth day when he called, John asked Richard how Gracie was and Richard told him. \"Gracie is dead!\" Well as you can imagine, John nearly had a heart attack. When he recovered he said to Richard, \"that was the most cruel thing I ever heard. You know how much I loved that cat, why couldn't you have broken it to me gently. You know like when I called said something like, 'well she's OK but she is up on the roof.' And then when I called the next time, tell me 'oh oh, bad news, she fell off the roof and she's at the vets'. And then the next time break the news that she passed away. At least I would have been a little prepared for the bad news.\" \"Yes, you are right John. I am sorry for being so heartless.\" John accepted Richard's apology for being so uncaring, and then said, \"oh, by the way, how's Mother?\" Richard then said, \"well, John, she's OK, but she's on the roof!\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Idiots", + "output": "A group of hikers were being led through the wilderness by a guide. On the third day, the hikers noticed that they had been travelling in circles. \"We're lost!\" One of the men complained. \"I thought you said you were the best guide in the United States.\" \"I am,\" the guide answered, \"but I think we may be in Canada now.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Heaven and Hell", + "output": "An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his dossier and says, \"Ah, you're an engineer -- you're in the wrong place.\" So the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in. Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements. After a while, they've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy. One day God calls Satan up on the telephone and says with a sneer, \"So, how's it going down there in hell?\" Satan replies, \"Hey, things are going great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next.\" God replies, \"What??? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake--he should never have gotten down there; send him up here.\" Satan says, \"No way. I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him.\" God says, \"Send him back up here or I'll sue.\" Satan laughs uproariously and answers, \"Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Crazy Jokes", + "output": "President Dubya was awakened one night by an urgent call from the Pentagon. \"Mr. President,\" said the four-star general, barely able to contain himself, \"there's good news and bad news.\" \"Oh, no...\" muttered the President, \"Well, let me have the bad news first.\" \"The bad news, sir, is that we've been invaded by creatures from another planet.\" \"Gosh, and the good news?\" \"The good news, sir, is that they eat reporters and pee oil.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Family, Parents", + "output": "One day,little Mikey comes home from kindergarten for lunch. Not finding his mother in the kitchen, or the living room, he heads upstairs to check her bedroom. He opens the door, and what does he see, but his father, who had also come home for lunch, stripped naked, on top of his mother, also naked, heavily into the act of lovemaking. Not wanting to traumatize the boy, the parents continue as if nothing was wrong. \t Mikey watches, and after a couple of minutes asks, \"Daddy, can I climb on and have a horsie ride?\" \"Of course, Son, we're a family.\" So Mikey climbs on and after a few more minutes his mother starts moaning and writhing wildly. \"Hang on Dad!\", cries Mikey, \"this is where the mailman usually falls off!\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Heaven and Hell", + "output": "We all know how Cinderella wanted to go to the ball but her wicked stepmother wouldn't let her and then the fairy godmother pops up and gives Cinderella some good news: The fairy godmother tells Cinderella that she will provide for her, everything she needs to go to the ball, but only on two conditions. Cinderella asks what she needs to do and the fairy godmother replies, \"First, you must wear a diaphragm.\" Cinderella's mouth drops open and says, \"You must be crazy! I'm on the pill, and I don't need to wear a diaphragm.\" The fairy godmother reminds Cinderella about all the handsome princes that will be attending the ball that night, and Cinderella agrees to wear a diaphragm. \"Well, what's the second condition?\" Cinderella asked. The fairy godmother replies, \"You must be back home by 2:00 A.M. Well, Cinderella explains that if she's gonna go party with the princes, she wants to be out all night long. The fairy godmother tells Cinderella that if she's not home by 2 A.M., then her diaphragm will turn into a pumpkin. She goes on to say that at least she'll be with the princes most of the evening, so Cinderella agrees to be home at 2 A.M... At 2 A.M., Cinderella doesn't show up...3 A.M., no Cinderella...4 A.M., no Cinderella...finally, at 5 A.M., Cinderella shows up at the door with a huge grin on her face. The fairy godmother stands up and looks at Cinderella and says, \"Where the hell have you been? Your diaphragm was supposed to turn into a pumpkin 3 hours ago!!!\" Cinderella tells the fairy godmother that she met a prince and he took care of it for her. The fairy godmother wonders about a prince with this type of power and asks Cinderella his name to which she replies, \"I can't remember, but it was Peter Peter something or other....\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Miscellaneous", + "output": "A woman goes to the doctors, and says, \"Doctor, I've got a bit of a problem. I'll have to take my clothes off to show you.\" The doctor tells her to go behind the screen and disrobe. She does so, and the doctor goes round to see her when she is ready. \"Well, what is it?\" he asks. \"It's a bit embarrassing,\" she replies, \"These two green circles have appeared on the inside of my thighs.\" The doctor examines her and finally admits he has no idea what the cause is. Then he suddenly asks, \"Have you been having an affair with a gypsy lately?\" The woman blushes and says, \"Well, actually I have.\" \"That's the problem,\" the doctor says, \"Tell him his earrings aren't made of gold!!!\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Miscellaneous", + "output": "One day, after striking gold in Alaska, a lonesome miner came down from the mountains and walked into a saloon in the nearest town. \"I'm lookin' for the meanest, roughest and toughest whore in the Yukon!\" he said to the bartender. \"We got her!\" replied the barkeeper. \"She's upstairs in the second room on the right.\" The miner handed the bartender a gold nugget to pay for the whore and two beers. He grabbed the bottles, stomped up the stairs, kicked open the second door on the right and yelled, \"I'm lookin' for the meanest, roughest and toughest whore in the Yukon!\" The woman inside the room looked at the miner and said, \"You found her!\" Then she stripped naked, bent over and grabbed her ankles. \"How do you know I want to do it in that position?\" asked the miner. \"I don't,\" replied the whore, \"but I thought you might like to open those beers first.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Sex", + "output": "An escaped convict broke into a house and tied up a young couple who had been sleeping in the bedroom. As soon as he had a chance, the husband turned to his voluptuous young wife, bound up on the bed in a skimpy nightgown, and whispered, \"Honey, this guy hasn't seen a woman in years. Just cooperate with anything he wants. If he wants to have sex with you, just go along with it and pretend you like it. Our lives depend on it.\" \"Dear,\" the wife hissed, spitting out her gag, \"I'm so relieved you feel that way, because he just told me he thinks you have a really nice, tight-looking butt!\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Idiots", + "output": "A couple on vacation was driving their RV through Wisconsin. As they approached the town of Oconomowoc they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town's name. They argued back and forth as they entered the town, and continued to bicker while they stopped for lunch. As they stood at the counter the husband asked the cashier, \"Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are... very slowly?\" The girl leaned over the counter and said, \"Burrrrrr-gerrrrrr-Kiiiing.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Miscellaneous", + "output": "It was George the Mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood. When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family there, who roundly and soundly congratulated him and sent him on his way with a tidy gift envelope. At the second house they presented him with a box of fine cigars. The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures. At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door (which she closed behind him), and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced. When he had had enough they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh-squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge. \"All this was just too wonderful for words,\" he said, \"but what's the dollar for?\" \"Well,\" she said, \"last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you. He said, 'SCREW him. Give him a dollar.' The breakfast was my idea.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Money", + "output": "A couple was planning on getting married. Seeing how they didn't have much money to go on a honeymoon, they decided to just go back to their new apartment after the wedding. The groom had three close friends, that were prone to committing practical jokes. One being a carpenter, the other a ordinary guy, and the third a dentist. They all decided to pull practical jokes on their newly married friends. The carpenter decided he would cut the slats in the bed so that when they climbed into bed, the bed would collapse. The ordinary guy decided to short sheet the bed, so that when they got into it their feet wouldn't reach the bottom. The dentist chuckled and wouldn't tell anyone what he planned to do. A week later the 3 friends all received letters in the mail. \"Dear friends, we didn't mind the fact that when we got into bed, the bed collapsed, or the guy that short sheeted it, but I'm gonna kill the bastard that put the novacaine in the vaseline!\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Miscellaneous", + "output": "A small tourist hotel was all abuzz about an afternoon wedding where the groom was 95 and the bride was 23. The groom looked pretty feeble and the feeling was that the wedding night might kill him, because his bride was a healthy, vivacious young woman. But lo and behold, the next morning, the bride came down the main staircase slowly, step by step, hanging onto the bannister for dear life. She finally managed to get to the counter of the little shop in the hotel. The clerk looked really concerned, \"Whatever happened to you, honey? You look like you've been wrestling an alligator!\" The bride groaned, hung on to the counter and managed to speak, \"Ohhh God! He told me he'd been saving up for 75 years and I thought he meant his money!!\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Miscellaneous", + "output": "While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my four-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds. She was unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs. One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, \"The tooth fairy will never believe this!\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Miscellaneous", + "output": "I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when a woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved. She was stark naked! As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my 5-year-old shout from the back seat, \"Mom! That lady isn't wearing a seat belt!\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Money", + "output": "You can't fool the kids in Sunday school; they are way too smart... \"If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale, and gave all my money to the church, would I get into heaven?\" I asked the children in my Sunday school class. \"NO!\" all the children answered. \"If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the yard, and kept everything neat and tidy, would I get into heaven?\" Again the answer was, \"NO!\" \"Well,\" I continued, \"then how can I get to heaven?\" A five-year-old boy shouted, \"You gotta be dead!\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Miscellaneous", + "output": "A tourist is picked up by a cabbie in New York on a dark night. The passenger taps the driver on the shoulder to ask him something. The driver screams, loses control of the car, nearly hits a bus, drives up on the sidewalk, and stops inches from a shop window. For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said, \"Look friend, don't EVER do that again. You scared the daylights out of me!\" The passenger apologizes and says he didn't realize that a \"little tap\" could scare him so much. The driver, after gathering himself together replied, \"Sorry, it's not really your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver - I've been driving hearses for the last 25 years!" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Family, Parents", + "output": "On the first day of school, a first grader handed his teacher a note from his mother. The note read, \"The opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily those of his parents.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Family, Parents", + "output": "A mother was showing her son how to zip up his coat. \"The secret,\" she said, \"is to get the left part of the zipper to fit in the other side before you try to zip it up.\" The boy looked at her quizzically: \"Why does it have to be a secret?\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Miscellaneous", + "output": "A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women's locker room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover. The little boy watched in amazement and then asked, \"What's the matter -- haven't you ever seen a little boy before?\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Light Bulbs", + "output": "Q: How many Oregonians does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Five. One to change the bulb and four more to chase off the Californians who have come up to relate to the experience. A: Nine. One to change the bulb, and eight to protest the nuclear power plant that generates the electricity that powers it." + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Light Bulbs", + "output": "Q: How many Psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb? A: Only one, but the bulb has got to really WANT to change. A: None; the bulb will change itself when it is ready." + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Light Bulbs", + "output": "Q: How many software people does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: None. That's a hardware problem. A: One, but if he changes it, the whole building will probably fall down. A: Two. One always leaves in the middle of the project." + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Light Bulbs", + "output": "Q: How many hardware folks does it take to change a light bulb? A: None. That's a software problem. A: None. They just have marketing portray the dead bulb as a feature." + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Light Bulbs", + "output": "Q: How many Field Service Engineers does it take to replace a dead light bulb? A: Who can tell. Field Service Engineers are always in the dark. A: 2. One to hold the bulb and one to pound it in (etc)" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Light Bulbs", + "output": "Q: How long will it take for a field service engineer to change a light bulb? A: That's indeterminate. It depends on how many dead bulbs they've brought with them." + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Light Bulbs", + "output": "Q: How many Bell Labs Vice Presidents does it take to change a light bulb? A: That's proprietary information. Answer available from AT&T on payment of license fee (binary only). A: Nearly unanswerable, since the one who tries to change it usually drops it, and the others call for a planning session. A: Three. One to get the bulb and two to get the phone number of one of their subordinates to actually change it." + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Light Bulbs", + "output": "Q: How many (Generals/Politicians) does it take to change a light bulb? A: 1,000,001: One to change the bulb and 1,000,000 to rebuild civilization to the point where they need light bulbs again." + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Light Bulbs", + "output": "Q: How many nuclear engineers does it take to change a light bulb? A: Seven. One to install the new bulb and six to figure out what to do with the old one for the next 10,000 years." + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Science", + "output": "Q: How many Christian Scientists does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: None, but it takes at least one to sit and pray for the old one to go back on." + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Light Bulbs", + "output": "Q: How many economists does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Two. One to assume the ladder and one to change the bulb. A: None. If the government would just leave it alone, it would screw itself in." + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Light Bulbs", + "output": "Q: How many data base people does it take to change a light bulb? A: Three: One to write the light bulb removal program, one to write the light bulb insertion program, and one to act as a light bulb administrator to make sure nobody else tries to change the light bulb at the same time." + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Light Bulbs", + "output": "Q: How many Zen masters does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: A tree in a golden forest. A: Two: one to change the bulb and one not to change it. A: One to change and one not to change is fake Zen. The true Zen answer is Four. One to change the bulb. A:None. Zen masters carry their own light." + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Light Bulbs", + "output": "Q: How many folk singers does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Two. One to change the bulb, and one to write a song about how good the old light bulb was." + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Light Bulbs", + "output": "Q: How many surrealists does it take to change a light bulb? A: Two, one to hold the giraffe, and the other to fill the bathtub with brightly colored machine tools." + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Light Bulbs", + "output": "Q: How many doctors does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Three. One to find a bulb specialist, one to find a bulb installation specialist, and one to bill it all to Medicare." + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Light Bulbs", + "output": "Q: How many [IBM] Technical Writers does it take to change a light bulb? A: 100. Ten to do it, and 90 to write document number GC7500439-0001, Multitasking Incandescent Source System Facility, of which 10% of the pages state only, ''This page intentionally left blank,'' and 20% of the definitions are of the form ''A" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Light Bulbs", + "output": "Q: How many people from New Jersey does it take to change a light bulb? A: Three. One to change the light bulb, one to be a witness, and the third to shoot the witness." + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Light Bulbs", + "output": "Q: How many thought police does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: None. There never was any light bulb. Notes: Probably the only really good light bulb joke of 1984." + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Light Bulbs", + "output": "Q: how many cabbage patch dolls does it take to change a light bulb? A: the question is irrelevant since you couldn't find the dolls even if you knew how many. Notes: Topical to 1983 and the difficulty of obtaining cabbage patch dolls" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Light Bulbs", + "output": "Q: How many ''pro-lifers'' does it take to change a light bulb? A: 6: 2 to screw in the bulb and 4 to testify that it was lit from the moment they began screwing." + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Light Bulbs", + "output": "Q: How many frat guys does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Three: One to screw it in, and the other two to help him down off the keg. A: Five: One to hold the bulb, and four to guzzle beer until the room spins. A: None. Frat boys screw in puddles of vomit." + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Light Bulbs", + "output": "Q: How many bureaucrats does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Two. One to assure the everything possible is being done while the other screws the bulb into the water faucet. A: 45. One to change the bulb, and 44 to do the paperwork." + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Light Bulbs", + "output": "Q: How many board meetings does it take to get a light bulb changed? A: This topic was resumed from last week's discussion, but is incomplete pending resolution of some action items. It will be continued next week. Meanwhile..." + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Light Bulbs", + "output": "Q: How many Necrophiliacs does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: None. Necrophiliacs prefer dead bulbs. A: Only one. ''Oh, excuse me, could you please test the socket with your finger while I go get a new bulb?''" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Light Bulbs", + "output": "Q: How many dead babies does it take to change a light bulb? A: As many as it takes to make a pile big enough to climb on to reach the bulb. Notes: Ugh!" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Light Bulbs", + "output": "Q: How many Romulans does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: 151, one to screw the light-bulb in, and 150 to self-destruct the ship out of disgrace. (Warning: do not tell this to Romulans or be ready for a fight. They consider this joke to be a disgrace, though it is not bad for a LBJ.)" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Light Bulbs", + "output": "Q: How many TV comedians does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Two, one to screw it in, and another to say ''Sock it to Me.'' (Notes: Sock it = Socket. Also, the phrase was from Laugh In.)" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Light Bulbs", + "output": "Q: Do you know how many musicians it takes to change a light bulb? A: No, big daddy, but hum a few bars and I'll fake it. A: Twenty. One to hold the bulb, two to turn the ladder, and seventeen in on the guest list." + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Light Bulbs", + "output": "Q: How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Two, one to screw it almost all the way in and the other to give it a surprising twist at the end." + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Light Bulbs", + "output": "Q: How many running-dog lackeys of the bourgeoisie does it take to change a light bulb? A: Two. One to exploit the proletariat, and one to control the means of production!" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Light Bulbs", + "output": "Q: How many referral agents does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Two: One to screw you out of a fee, and the other to send you to a store where they ran out of bulbs weeks ago." + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Light Bulbs", + "output": "Q: How many existentialists does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Two: One to screw it in and one to observe how the light bulb itself symbolizes a single incandescent beacon of subjective reality in a netherworld of endless absurdity reaching out toward a maudlin cosmos of nothingness." + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Light Bulbs", + "output": "Q: How many mathematicians does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: None. It's left to the reader as an exercise. A: One. He gives it to six Californians, thereby reducing the problem to an earlier joke. A: One. He gives it to five Oregonians, thereby reducing the problem to an earlier joke. A: In an earlier article, zeus!bobr writes:" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Light Bulbs", + "output": "Q: How many mathematicians does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: One. He gives it to six Californians, thereby reducing the problem to an earlier joke... In earlier work, Wiener [1] has shown that one mathematician can change a light bulb. If k mathematicians can change a light bulb, and if one more simply watches them do it, then k+1 mathematicians will have changed the light bulb. Therefore, by induction, for all n in the positive integers, n mathematicians can change a light bulb. Bibliography: [1] Wiener, Matthew P., [email protected]" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Light Bulbs", + "output": "Q: How many Ukrainians does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: None, because people who glow in the dark don't need light bulbs. Note: Topical to the Chernobyl Reactor disaster of 1984." + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Light Bulbs", + "output": "Q: How many stock brokers does it take to change a light bulb? A: Two. One to take out the bulb and drop it, and the other to try and sell it before it crashes (knowing that it's already burned out). A: It's out?? Sell my G.E. stock NOW!" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Light Bulbs", + "output": "Q: How many libertarians does it take to change a light bulb? A: Libertarians never change light bulbs, because someone might enter the room who wants to sit in the dark." + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Political", + "output": "\"Bill Clinton's official portrait was unveiled at the White House yesterday. Don't kid yourself, there's already trouble. Yesterday, Clinton's portrait was caught hitting on Dolly Madison's portrait.\" —David Letterman" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Crazy Jokes", + "output": "A man lay sprawled across three entire seats in the posh theatre. When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the man, \"Sorry, sir, but you're only allowed one seat.\" The man groaned but didn't budge. The usher became impatient. \"Sir, if you don't get up from there I'm going to have to call the manager.\" Again, the man just groaned, which infuriated the usher who turned and marched briskly back up the aisle in search of his manager. In a few moments, both the usher and the manager returned and stood over the man. Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move him, but with no success. Finally, they summoned the police. The cop surveyed the situation briefly then asked, \"All right buddy, what's your name?\" \"Sam,\" the man moaned. \"Where ya from, Sam?\" With pain in his voice Sam replied \"The balcony.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Animals", + "output": "Little Nancy was in the garden filling in a hole when her neighbor peered over the fence. Interested in what the little girl was up to, he politely asked, \"What are you up to there, Nancy?\" \"My goldfish died,\" replied Nancy tearfully, without looking up, \"and I've just buried him.\" The neighbor was concerned, \"That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?\" Nancy patted down the last heap of earth and then replied, \"That's because he's inside your stupid cat.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Animals", + "output": "Three turtles, Joe, Steve, and Poncho, decide to go on a picnic. Joe packs the picnic basket with cookies, bottled sodas, and sandwiches. The trouble is, the picnic site is 10 miles away, so the turtles take 10 whole days to get there. By the time they do arrive, everyone's whipped and hungry. Joe takes the stuff out of the basket, one by one. He takes out the sodas and realizes that they forgot to bring a bottle opener. Joe & Steve beg Poncho to turn back home and retrieve it, but Poncho flatly refuses, knowing that they'll eat everything by the time he gets back. Somehow, after about two hours, the turtles manage to convince Poncho to go, swearing on their great-grand turtles' graves that they won't touch the food. So, Poncho sets off down the road, slow and steady. Twenty days pass, but no Poncho. Joe and Steve are hungry and puzzled, but a promise is a promise. Another day passes, and still no Poncho, but a promise is a promise. After three more days pass without Poncho in sight, Steve starts getting restless. \"I NEED FOOD!\" he says with a hint of dementia in his voice. \"NO!\" Joe retorts. \"We promised.\" Five more days pass. Joe realizes that Poncho probably skipped out to the Burger King down the road, so the two turtles weakly lift the lid, get a sandwich, and open their mouths to eat. But then, right at that instant, Poncho pops out behind a rock. \"Just for that, I'm not going.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Animals", + "output": "Three dogs are at the vet in the waiting room. When the first dog asks the second dog what he's in for, he answers, \"My master bought a brand new carpet the other day, and at the first opportunity I soiled it, so now I've been brought here to be put to sleep. So what are you here for?\" The first dog replies grimly, \"I'm also being put to sleep. My master had a table with a collection of expensive vases and while I was chasing my tail I accidentally bumped into the table and broke them all.\" The two dogs then look over and ask the third dog what he's in for. The third dog answers, \"The reason I'm here is the other day my master stepped out of the shower and she bent over. I couldn't resist, so I jumped her from behind and took her like a wild animal!\" \"So I guess you're also here to be put to sleep?\" says the first dog. The third dog answers, \"Nope, I'm here to get my nails clipped!\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Animals", + "output": "A farmer rears 25 young hens and one old cock. As the old cock could no longer handle his job efficiently, the farmer buys one young cock from the market and puts it in the pen with the old cock and the hens... Old Cock: Welcome to the farm. We'll work together towards productivity. Young Cock: Whattya mean? As far as I know, you are old and should be retired. Old Cock: Young boy, there are 25 hens here, can't I help you with some? Young Cock: No! Not even one, all of them will be mine. Old Cock: In this case, I challenge you to a competition and, if I win, you let me have one hen. If I lose you have them all. Young Cock: Okay. What kind of competition? Old Cock: 50-yard dash. From here to that tree. But due to my age, I hope you allow me to start off the first 10 yards. Young Cock: No problem! We race tomorrow morning. Confidently, the following morning, the Young Cock allows the Old Cock to start off and when the Old Cock crosses the 10-yard mark, the young cock chases him with all his might. He was right behind the old cock in a matter of seconds and -- BANG! Before he can overtake the old cock, he is shot dead by the farmer, who sighs and says, \"Damn. That's the fifth gay chicken I bought this week.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Animals", + "output": "A man walks outside to his car for work, when he notices a gorilla in his tree. He rushs to his phone book and finds the animal control number, calls and asks them to send over someone who's a gorilla expert. When the man arrives, he is carrying a shotgun, a chihuahua and a pair of handcuffs. The man says,''What are all of those for?'' The animal control officer says, ''I'll climb up in the tree, knock the gorilla down, the dog will bite him in the nuts and you must slap the handcuffs on his wrists.'' The man asks, ''What is the gun for?'' The animal control officer responds, ''If I fall first, you shoot the dog!'''" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Crazy Jokes", + "output": "One day a poor old lady found a dollar and with that dollar she bought a lottery ticket. She won the lottery! She bought a house and a dog. She said to herself, \"What should I name my house?\" And she looked around and she saw a guy mooning her so she decided to name her house \"Butt\" Then she needed a name for her dog. So she looked around and saw a crack house so she named her dog \"Crack\". One day about a month later she woke up and couldn't find her dog. She looked all over the house and she couldn't find it anywhere! So finally she called the cops and said, \"Police please help me I've looked all over my Butt but I can't find my Crack!\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Animals", + "output": "A man hated his wife's cat and he decided to get rid of it. He drove 20 blocks away from home and dropped the cat there. The cat was already walking up the driveway when he approached his home. The next day, he decided to drop the cat 40 blocks away but the same thing happened. He kept on increasing the number of blocks but the cat kept on coming home before him. At last he decided to drive a few miles away, turn right, then left, past the bridge, then right again and another right and so on until he reached what he thought was a perfect spot and dropped the cat there. Hours later, the man calls his wife at home and asked her, \"Jen is the cat there?\" \"Yes, why do you ask?\" answered the wife. Frustrated the man said, \"Put that cat on the phone, I'm lost and I need directions.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Bar Jokes", + "output": "After a heavy night at the pub, a drunken man decides to sleep off his drunkenness at a local hotel. He approaches the reception desk, takes care of the formalities and heads off to his suite. Several minutes later, the drunk staggers back to the reception desk and demands his room be changed. \"But sir,\" said the clerk, \"you have the best room in the hotel.\" \"I insist on another room!!!\" said the drunk. \"Very good, sir. I'll change you from 502 to 525. Would you mind telling me why you don't like 502?\" asked the clerk. \"Well, for one thing,\" said the drunk, \"it's on fire.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Bar Jokes", + "output": "Three men were sitting in a bar talking about how whipped they had their wives. The first two kept bragging about how they could get their wives to do anything. They looked at the third man and he said, \"I have my wife so whipped that the other day I had her crawling towards me on her hands and knees.\" Both of the other men were very impressed and asked him how he had managed that. The man replied, \"Well, I was lying under the bed and she crawled over and said, \"Come out and fight like a man!\"." + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Bar Jokes", + "output": "A man is sitting in a bar when a beautiful woman walks up and whispers in his ear, \"I'll do anything you want for 50 bucks.\" He puts his drink down and starts going through his pockets. He pulls out a ten, two five's, a twenty and ten ones. He thrusts the wadded up money into the woman's hand and says, \"Here...paint my house.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Religious", + "output": "A visiting minister waxed eloquent during the offertory prayer. He began, with arms extended toward heaven and a rapturous look on his upturned face,\"Without you we are but dust... \" He would have continued but at that moment my very obedient daughter(who waslistening!) leaned over to me and asked quite audibly in her shrill little girl voice, \"Mom, what is butt dust?\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Crazy Jokes", + "output": "This guy suspects his wife is cheating on him. He comes home early and she meets him at the door in a bathrobe, her hair a mess. \"Where is he?\" he shouts. \"Where's the guy who's been sleeping with you?\" \"I don't know what you're talking about\" she says so he tears the house apart looking for this guy. Finally he's on the second floor, in the kitchen, he looks out the window and sees some guy sitting in a Volkswagen. \"Aha!\" he thinks, \"That's the guy who's been sleeping with my wife.\" He's so furious he picks up the refrigerator, throws it out the window at the guy, has a heart attack and dies. So St. Peter meets him at the gates of Heaven and asks \"What are you doing here?\" The guy says \"Well, I knew my wife was cheating on me so I came home early from work, saw him sitting in his Volkswagen out on the street, threw the refrigerator at him, I had a heart attack and died.\" St. Peter says \"You don't belong here; go to Hell.\" He pulls a big lever, a trap door opens up and the guy disappears. A few minutes later another guy comes up to St. Peter at the gates of Heaven. St. Peter asks \"What are you doing here?\" The guy says \"I don't know! I was just sitting in my Volkswagen, minding my own business, when suddenly somebody throws a refrigerator at me.\" St. Peter wags his finger and says \"I heard about you... you go to Hell too.\" He pulls the lever and the guy disappears. A few minutes later another guy comes up to St. Peter at the gates of Heaven. St. Peter asks \"What are you doing here?\" The guy says \"I don't know! I was just sitting in a refrigerator, minding my own business...\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Religious", + "output": "A married man goes to confessional and says to the priest, \"Father, I had an affair with a woman... almost.\" \"What do you mean almost?\" question the priest. \"Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped.\" \"Rubbing together is the same as putting it in,\" explains the priest. \"You're not to go near that woman again. Now, say five Hail Mary's and put $50 in the poor box.\" The man leaves confessional, says his prayers, and then walks over to the poor box. He pauses for a moment and then decides to leave. The priest quickly runs over to the man and exclaims, \"I saw that... you didn't put any money in the poor box!\" \"Well Father, I rubbed up against it and, like you said, it's the same as putting it in!\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Religious", + "output": "A drunk man who smelled like beer sat down on a subway seat next to a priest. The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading. After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked,\" Say, Father, what causes arthritis?\" \"My Son, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, a contempt for your fellow man, sleeping around with prostitutes and lack of bath.\" \"Well, I'll be damned,\" the drunk muttered, returning to his paper. The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. \"I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?\" \"I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope has it real bad.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Religious", + "output": "There was a Minister whose wife was expecting a baby. The Minister went to the congregation and asked for a raise. After much consideration and discussion, they passed a rule that when the Minister's family expanded, so would his pay check. After five or six children, this started to get expensive. The congregation decided to hold a meeting again to discuss the Minister's pay situation. You can imagine there was much yelling and bickering. Finally, the Minister got up and spoke to the crowd, \"Having children is an act of God!\" In the back of the room, a little old man with a full beard stood up, and in his frail voice said... \"Snow and Rain are also 'acts of God', but when we get too much, we wear rubbers!\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Sports", + "output": "One Sunday afternoon, a guy walks into a bar with his pet dog. The bartender said, \"Sorry, pal. No pets allowed.\" The man replied, \"This is a special dog. Turn on the Jets game and you'll see.\" The bartender, anxious to see what will happen, turned on the game. The guy said, \"Watch. Whenever the Jets score, my dog does flips.\" The Jets keep scoring field goals and the dog keeps flipping and jumping. \"Wow! That's one hell of a dog you got there. What happens when the Jets score a touchdown?\" asked the bartender. The man replied, \"I don't know. I've only had him for seven years.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Sports", + "output": "During preseason training, a college football lineman married one of the team's cheerleaders. The coach was a bit surprised and remarked to his star football player, \"You are such a big, burley guy. Why in the world did you marry such a tiny, petite woman? She is no bigger than your hand.\" \"That's right, Coach,\" replied the lineman. \"But, she's much better!\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Sports", + "output": "The huge college freshman decided to try out for the football team. \"Can you tackle?\" asked the coach. \"Watch this,\" said the freshman, who proceeded to run smack into a telephone pole, shattering it to splinters. \"Wow,\" said the coach. \"I'm impressed. Can you run?\" \"Of course I can run,\" said the freshman. He was off like a shot, and, in just over nine seconds, he had run a hundred yard dash. \"Great!\" enthused the coach. \"But can you pass a football?\" The freshman hesitated for a few seconds. \"Well, sir,\" he said, \"if I can swallow it, I can probably pass it.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Children", + "output": "Mommy Bear and Daddy Bear were in divorce court. The judge looked down and asked the Baby Bear, \"So Baby Bear, do you want to live with Daddy Bear?\" \"Oh, no,\" Baby Bear replied, \"I don't want to live with Daddy Bear. He beat me.\" \"Well then, you should live with Mommy Bear,\" answered the judge. \"On, no, I don't want to live with Mommy Bear. She beat me.\" \"Well then, Baby Bear, who do you want to live with?\" Baby Bear said, \"I want to live with the Chicago Bears. They don't beat anybody!\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Sports", + "output": "A recent Scottish immigrant attends his first baseball game in his new country and after a base hit he hears the fans roaring run....run! The next batter connects heavily with the ball and the Scotsman stands up and roars with the crowd in his thick accent: \"R-r-run you bastard, r-run will you!\" A third batter slams a hit and again the Scotsman, obviously pleased with his knowledge of the game, screams \"R-r-run you bastard, r-r-run will you!\" The next batter held his swing at three and two and as the ump calls a walk the Scotsman stands up yelling \"R-r-run you bastard, r-r-run!\" All the surrounding fans giggle quietly and he sits down confused. A friendly fan, sensing his embarrassment whisper, \"He doesn't have to run, he's got four balls.\" After this explanation the Scotsman stands up in disbelief and screams, \"Walk with pr-r-ride man! Walk with pr-r-ride!!!!\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Animals", + "output": "A man walks into a bar with a dog. The bartender says, \"You can't bring that dog in here.\" \"You don't understand,\" says the man. \"This is no regular dog, he can talk.\" \"Listen, pal,\" says the bartender. \"If that dog can talk, I'll give you a hundred bucks. \"The man puts the dog on a stool, and asks him, \"What's on top of a house?\" \"Roof!\" \"Right. And what's on the outside of a tree?\" \"Bark!\" \"And who's the greatest baseball player of all time?\" \"Ruth!\" \"I guess you've heard enough,\" says the man. \"I'll take the hundred in twenties.\" The bartender is furious. \"Listen, pal,\" he says, \"get out of here before I belt you.\" As soon as they're on the street, the dog turns to the man and says, \"Do you think I should have said 'DiMaggio'?\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Children", + "output": "It was a cold winter day. An old man walked out onto a frozen lake, cut a hole in the ice, dropped in his fishing line, and waited patiently for a bite. He was there for almost an hour, without even a nibble, when a young boy walked out onto the ice, cut a hole in the ice next to him. The young boy dropped his fishing line and minutes later he hooked a Largemouth Bass. The old man couldn't believe his eyes but chalked it up to plain luck. Shortly thereafter, the young boy pulled in another large catch. The young boy kept catching fish after fish. Finally, the old man couldn't take it any longer. \"Son\" he said, \"I've been here for over an hour without even a nibble. You've been here only a few minutes and have caught a half dozen fish! How do you do it?\" The boy responded, \"Roo raf roo reep ra rums rrarm.\" \"What was that?\" the old man asked. Again the boy responded, \"Roo raf roo reep ra rums rarrm.\" \"Look,\" said the old man, \"I can't understand a word you're saying.\" The boy spat the bait into his hand and said... \"You have to keep the worms warm!\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Sports", + "output": "Two young blonde women were playing golf at a foggy par three, and could see the flag, but not the green. Each hit their ball anyway. When they walked to the green, they discovered one ball about three feet from the cup, while the other ball somehow had gone directly in. The blondes tried to figure out which ball belonged to who, since they were both using Titleist number threes. Unable to decide, they returned to the Club House and asked the golf pro for a ruling. After hearing their story and congratulating them both on their superb shots under such adverse conditions the pro asked, \"Okay, so who was playing the yellow ball?\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Sports", + "output": "Two friends went out to play golf and were about to tee off, when one fellow noticed that his partner had but one golf ball. \"Don't you have at least one other golf ball?\" he asked. The other guy replied that no, he only needed the one. \"Are you sure?\" the friend persisted. \"What happens if you lose that ball?\" The other guy replied, \"This is a very special golf ball. I won't lose it so I don't need another one.\" \"Well,\" the friend asked, \"what happens if you miss your shot and the ball goes in the lake?\" \"That's okay,\" he replied, \"This special golf ball floats. I'll be able to retrieve it.\" \"Well what happens if you hit it into the trees and it gets lost among the bushes and shrubs?\" The other guy replied, \"That's okay too. You see, this special golf ball has a homing beacon. I'll be able to get it back - no problem.\" Exasperated, the friend asks, \"Okay. Let's say our game goes late, the sun goes down, and you hit your ball into a sand trap. What are you going to do then?\" \"No problem.\" says the other guy, \"You see, this ball is florescent. I'll be able to see it in the dark.\" Finally satisfied that he needs only the one golf ball, the friend asks, \"Hey, where did you get a golf ball like that anyway?\" The other guy replies, \"I found it.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Sports", + "output": "After a particularly poor game of golf, a popular club member skipped the clubhouse and started to go home. As he was walking to the parking lot to get his car, a policeman stopped him and asked, \"Did you tee off on the sixteenth hole about twenty minutes ago?\" \"Yes,\" the golfer responded. \"Did you happen to hook your ball so that it went over the trees and off the course?\" the cop asked. \"Yes, I did. How did you know?\" the golfer asked. \"Well,\" said the policeman very seriously, \"Your ball flew out onto the highway and crashed through a driver's windshield. The car went out of control, crashing into five other cars and a fire truck. The fire truck couldn't make it to the fire, and the building burned down. So, what are you going to do about it?\" The golfer thought it over carefully and responded, \"I think I'll close my stance a little bit, tighten my grip and lower my right thumb.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Sports", + "output": "One recent Sunday, a young boy arrived to his Sunday school class late. His teacher knew that the boy was usually very prompt and asked him if anything was wrong. The boy replied no, that he was going to go fishing, but that his dad told him that he needed to go to church instead. The teacher was very impressed and asked the boy if his father had explained to him why it was more important to go to church rather than to go fishing. To which the boy replied, \"Yes, ma'am, he did. My dad said that he didn't have enough bait for both of us.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Religious", + "output": "An Irish priest loved to fly fish, it was an obsession of his. So far this year the weather had been so bad that he hadn't had a chance to get his beloved waders on and his favorite flies out of their box. Strangely though, every Sunday the weather had been good, but of course Sunday is the day he has to go to work. The weather forecast was good again for the coming Sunday so he called a fellow priest claiming to have lost his voice and be in bed with the flu. He asked him to take over his sermon. The fly fishing priest drove fifty miles to a river near the coast so that no one would recognize him. An angel up in Heaven was keeping watch and saw what the priest was doing. He told God who agreed that he would do something about it. With the first cast of his line a huge fish mouth gulped down the fly. For over an hour the priest ran up and down the river bank fighting the fish. At the end when he finally landed the monster size fish it turned out to be a world record Salmon. Confused the angel asked God, \"Why did you let him catch that huge fish? I thought you were going to teach him a lesson.\" God replied \"I did. Who do you think he's going to tell?\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Crazy Jokes", + "output": "Last winter, while sports fishing off the Florida coast, a tourist capsized his boat. The guy could swim, but his fear of alligators kept him clinging to the overturned craft. Spotting an old beachcomber standing on the shore, the tourist shouted, \"Are there any gators around here?!\" \"Naw,\" the man hollered back, \"they ain't been around for years!\" \"Feeling safe, the tourist started swimming leisurely toward the shore. About halfway there he asked the guy, \"How did you get rid of the gators?\" \"We didn't do nothin',\" the beachcomber said. \"The sharks got 'em.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Sports", + "output": "The fishing season hasn't opened and a fisherman who doesn't have a license, is casting for trout as a stranger approaches and asks \"Any luck?\" \"Any luck? This is a wonderful spot. I took 10 out of this stream yesterday\" he boasts. \"Is that so? By the way, do you know who I am?\" asks the stranger. \"Nope.\" \"Well, meet the new game warden.\" \"Oh,\" gulped the fisherman. \"Well, do you know who I am?\" \"Nope\". \"Meet the biggest liar in the state.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Bar Jokes", + "output": "There's this guy in a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half-an-hour. Then, this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy and just drinks it all down. The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says: \"Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't see a man crying.\" \"No, it's not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I go late to my office. My boss, outrageous, fires me. When I leave the building, to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police, they say they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away. I go home, and when I get there, I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave home, and come to this bar. And just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison...\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Crazy Jokes", + "output": "Two men were adrift in a life boat following a dramatic escape from a burning freight vessel. While rummaging through the boat's provisions, one of the men stumbled across an old lamp. Secretly hoping that a Genie would appear, he rubbed the lamp vigorously. To the amazement of the castaways, a Genie did appear! This particular Genie, however, stated that she could only deliver one wish, not the standard three. Without giving much thought to the matter the man blurted out, \"Make the entire ocean into beer!\" Immediately the Genie clapped her hands with a deafening crash, and the entire sea turned to the finest brew ever sampled by mortals. Simultaneously, the Genie vanished to her freedom. Only the gentle lapping of beer on the hull broke the sudden stillness as the the two men considered their circumstances. The other man looked disgustedly at the one who's wish had been granted. After a long, tension-filled moment, he spoke: \"Nice going! Now we're going to have to pee in the boat!!\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Old Age", + "output": "A wise old gentleman retired and purchased a modest home near a junior high school. He spent the first few weeks of his retirement in peace and contentment. Then a new school year began. The very next afternoon three young boys full of youthful after-school enthusiasm came down his street beating merrily on every trash can they encountered. The crashing percussion continued day after day, until finally the wise old man decided it was time to take some action. The next afternoon, he walked out to meet the young percussionists as they banged their way down the street. Stopping them, he said, \"You kids are a lot of fun. I like to see you express your exuberance like that. I used to do the same thing when I was your age. Will you do me a favor? I'll give you each two dollars if you'll promise to come around every day and do your thing.\" The kids were elated and continued to do a bang-up job on the trashcans. A few days later, the wily retiree approached them again as they drummed their way down the street. \"Look,\" he said, \"I haven't received my Social Security (Pension) check yet, so I'm not going to be able to give you more than 25 cents. Will that be okay?\" \"A lousy quarter?\" the drum leader exclaimed. \"If you think we're going to waste our time beating these cans around for a quarter, you're nuts! No way, mister. We quit!\" And the old man enjoyed peace and serenity for the rest of his days." + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Crazy Jokes", + "output": "Three old men are at the doctor for a memory test. The doctor says to the first old man, \"What is three times three?\" \"274\" was his reply. The doctor says to the second man, \"It's your turn. What is three times three?\" \"Tuesday,\" replies the second man. The doctor says to the third man, \"OK, Your turn. What's three times three?\" \"Nine,\" says the third man. \"That's great,\" says the doctor. \"How did you get that?\" \"Simple,\" says the third man, \"I subtracted 274 from Tuesday.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Family, Parents", + "output": "Unable to attend the funeral after his father died, a son who lived far away called his brother and told him, \"Do something nice for Dad and send me the bill.\" Later, he got a bill for $200.00, which he paid. The next month, he got another bill for $200.00, which he also paid, figuring it was some incidental expense. Bills for $200.00 kept arriving every month, and finally the man called his brother again to find out what was going on. \"Well,\" said the other brother, \"you said to do something nice for Dad. So I rented him a tuxedo.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Business", + "output": "A young man was walking through a super-market to pick up a few things when he noticed an old lady following him. \"Excuse me,\" he said. \"Can I help you?\" \"Oh, Pardon me,\" the old woman replied. \"I'm sorry if my staring has made you uncomfortable. But you look just like my son. He died recently and I never got to say goodbye.\" \"I'm very sorry,\" replied the young man. \"Is there anything I can do for you?\" \"Yes,\" she said, \"as I'm leaving, would you say 'Goodbye, mother?' It would make me feel so much better.\" \"Sure,\" answered the young man. As the old woman was leaving, he called out, \"Goodbye, Mother!\" Then, as he stepped up to the checkout counter, he saw that his total was nearly $200. \"How can that be?\" he asked. \"I only purchased a few things!\" The clerk replied, \"Your mother said you'd pay for her.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Old Age", + "output": "The old man was setting on his porch, when a young man walked up with a pad and pencil in his hand. \"What are you selling, young man,\" the elderly gentleman asked. \"I'm not selling anything, sir,\" the young man replied. \"I'm a Census Taker.\" \"A what?\" the old man asked. \"A Census Taker. We are trying to find out how many people are in the country.\" \"Well,\" the man answered, \"you're wasting your time with me... I have no idea!\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Crazy Jokes", + "output": "An elderly woman decided to have her portrait painted. She told the artist, \"Paint me with diamond earrings, a diamond necklace, emerald bracelets, a ruby broach, and gold Rolex.\" \"But you're not wearing any of those things,\" replied the artist. \"I know,\" she said. \"It's in case I should die before my husband. I'm sure he will remarry right away, and I want his new wife to go crazy looking for the jewelry.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Old Age", + "output": "A young reporter went to a retirement home to interview an aged but legendary explorer. The reporter asked the old man to recount the most frightening experience he had ever had. \"Once I was hunting Bengal tigers in the jungles of India,\" the old explorer said. \"I was pushing through the brush on a narrow trail. Suddenly the largest tiger I have ever seen leaped onto the path in front of me! I grabbed my rifle and fired instantly, only to find that it had jammed! The tiger leapt toward me with a mighty ROARRR! I soiled myself.\" The reporter felt somewhat embarassed for the old man. \"Under those circumstances,\" he said, \"I think anyone would have done the same.\" \"No, no,\" the old explorer said. \"Not then - just now when I went ROARRR!\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Crazy Jokes", + "output": "At some point in time, a bad spell of wet weather came over a southern state, flooding most of many counties. Since the water was about six feet deep outside (and inside) their house, one family spent its time sitting on the porch roof, watching the wreckage float by. The son happened to notice a nice straw hat as it went downstream. \"My,\" he thought, \"I'll bet the person who lost that hat is sorry now!\" After the hat had floated out of sight around the corner of the house, the boy kept watching the river. Suddenly, much to his surprise, here comes the hat, floating upstream, against the current! This was obviously very strange, so the lad kept his eye on it. It floated upstream and around the other corner of the house... and came floating back down again. After a while, it came back upstream yet again, rounding the corner of the house. Finally, the boy could stand it no longer and pointed out the hat to his mother, asking her whatever could cause such a sight. His mother replied, \"Oh, that's just your grandfather. He swore it'd take more than a few drops of rain to keep him from mowing the lawn today.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Old Age", + "output": "An old man went to the doctor for his yearly physical. His wife came along to keep him company. The doctor checked his reflexes, looked down his throat, and listened to his chest with a stethescope. He made a few notes and said, \"I need a urine sample, a stool sample, and a sperm sample.\" \"What?\" said the old man, being hard of hearing. \"I need a urine sample, a stool sample, and a sperm sample,\" repeated the doctor loudly. \"What did he say?\" shouted the old man, looking at his wife. \"What's he want?\" His wife yelled into his ear, \"He needs your underwear!\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Animals", + "output": "Cat fitness really can be fun. However, it is important to start any fitness program only when you feel like it. Don't let a few extra pounds intimidate you into becoming more active. The most important aspect of fitness is: when to start the program. The best time is at about 2 a.m. The house is quiet; there are no distractions. The warm-up is critical. Cats are experts at stretching, so this won't be a problem. Start with a few wind sprints, full speed, toenails clicking on the tile or linoleum floors. A few low but loud growls will help you feel charged up. Now it is time to add some eye-paw coordination work. Find a marble (the big steelies work even better) and roll that down the floor as the sprints continue. See how many times you can ricochet it off the wallboards before it disappears under the fridge. Finally, work on that upper body strength. Climbing is a great exercise. Use draperies, macramé plant hangers, or clothing on hangers. You can even find some carpeting on some basement walls. Backs of chairs work well, too. Now put it all together. A speed sprint to the end of the hall! A race around the living room! Leap to the back of the rocking chair! Let the rebound launch you to the top of the swinging planter! Rock that baby! Feel those muscles work. Just as the hook pulls loose from the ceiling, dash to the bedroom and dive under the covers. Establish your alibi just in time to hear the crash of the plant to the floor below. Have a good Work-Out!" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Animals", + "output": "On the twelfth day of Christmas my human gave to me: Twelve bags of catnip! Eleven tarter Pounce treats, Ten ornaments hanging, Nine wads of Kleenex, Eight peacock feathers, Seven stolen Q-tips, Six feathered balls, Five MILK JUG RINGS! Four munchy house plants, Three running faucets, Two fuzzy mousies, And a hamste-e-er in a plastic ball!!" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Animals", + "output": "Now I lay me down to sleep, The king-size bed is soft and deep.. I sleep right in the center groove My human cannot hardly move! I've trapped her legs, she's tucked in tight And here is where I pass the night No one disturbs me or dares intrude Till morning comes and \"I want food!\" I sneak up slowly to begin my nibbles on my human's chin. She wakes up quickly, I have sharp teeth- And my claws I will unsheath For the morning here and it's time to play always seem to get my way. So thank you Lord for giving me This human person that I see. The one who hugs me and holds me tight And sacrifices her bed at night!" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Animals", + "output": "Some people say cats never have to be bathed. They say cats lick themselves clean. They say cats have a special enzyme of some sort in their saliva that works like New, Improved Wisk - dislodging the dirt where it hides and whisking it away. I've spent most of my life believing this folklore. Like most blind believers, I've been able to discount all the facts to the contrary - the kitty odors that lurk in the corners of the garage and dirt smudges that cling to the throw rug by the fireplace. The time comes, however, when a man must face reality; when he must look squarely in the face of massive public sentiment to the contrary and announce: \"This cat smells like a port-a-potty on a hot day in Juarez.\" When that day arrives at your house, as it has in mine, I have some advice you might consider as you place your feline friend under your arm and head for the bathtub:" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Animals", + "output": "Is your devotion to your cat and \"cat things\" in the training stage, at a moderate level, or extreme? Or are you an all out shameless \"cat-a-holic?\" Let's just see how you rate as a \"cat person,\" shall we? See how many of these can you give an HONEST \"yes\" answer to:" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Animals", + "output": "\"There is no snooze button on a cat who wants breakfast.\"--Unknown \"Thousands of years ago, cats were worshipped as gods. Cats have never forgotten this.\"--Anonymous \"Cats are smarter than dogs. You can't get eight cats to pull a sled through snow.\"--Jeff Valdez \"As every cat owner knows, nobody owns a cat.\" --Ellen Perry Berkeley \"Dogs come when they're called; cats take a message and get back to you later.\"--Mary Bly \"Cats are rather delicate creatures and they are subject to a good many ailments, but I never heard of one who suffered from insomnia.\"--Joseph Wood Krutch \"People who hate cats, will come back as mice in their next life.\" --Faith Resnick \"There are many intelligent species in the universe. They are all owned by cats.\"--Anonymous \"I have studied many philosophers and many cats. The wisdom of cats is infinitely superior.\"--Hippolyte Taine \"Dogs believe they are human. Cats believe they are God.\"--Anonymous" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Animals", + "output": "Dashing through the park With our noses to the ground Walking on our ears Pretending to be hounds Not using our eyes We navigate by smell If its over an inch high Then, it’s got a tale to tell Oh, Doggie smells Doggie smells Outside of our home Oh we love those doggie smells When on the leash we roam Doggie smells Doggie smells Marking every tree All our other doggie friends Have stopped right here to pee!" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Animals", + "output": "Late one night, a burglar broke into a house that he thought was empty. He tiptoed through the living room but suddenly froze in his tracks when he heard a loud voice say, \"Jesus is watching you.\" Silence returned to the house, so the burglar crept forward again. \"Jesus is watching you,\" the voice boomed again. The burglar stopped dead again. He was frightened. Frantically, he looked all around. In a dark corner, he spotted a bird cage and in the cage was a parrot. He asked the parrot, \"Was that you who said Jesus is watching me?\" \"Yes\", said the parrot. The burglar breathed a sigh of relief, then he asked the parrot, \"What's your name?\" \"Clarence,\" said the bird. \"That's a dumb name for a parrot,\" sneered the burglar. \"What idiot named you Clarence?\" The parrot said, \"The same idiot who named the rottweiller Jesus.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Animals", + "output": "Markin' around The Christmas Tree What a doggie holiday Just doin' what comes naturally Even though it's Christmas Day Markin' around The Christmas Tree Gotta squirt each present twice Spreading our scent on all this stuff It's a doggie paradise There may be some screaming when the humans rise at dawn (but remember) Grandma wraps her gifts in plastic Hey - come on - it's nothing drastic Markin' around the Christmas tree We just do what boydogs do Doin our duty gracefully And we'll share our loot with you Markin' around the Christmas tree All precautions were in vain We must own everything we see So we stake our doggie claim Markin' around the Christmas tree We don't see the problem here But if we're caught we know that we Will be dragged off by the ear People shout and tell us we are evil little curs (but remember) We're not trying to be snotty YOU installed this indoor potty Markin' around the Christmas Tree Gonna check our list off twice When Santa visits, we know he Can just sniff out who is NICE!" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Animals", + "output": "Oh the snow in the yard is yellow Thanks to our doggie fellow But the droppings sink way down low Let it snow. Let it snow. Let it snow! So the scooper sits rusting outside As we wait for Spring and \"low tide\" The piles will wait down below Let it snow. Let it snow. Let it snow! In the warmth of the summer sun We must scoop every day in the yard But as soon as the winter comes Finding the stuff gets quite hard While the piles sit there fertilizing Our backs aren’t exercising Our rest is short, this we know (please) Let it snow. Let it snow. Let it snow!" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Animals", + "output": "jingle, tingle, jingle, tingle, jingle tingle, oh... Just hear those dog tags jingling Ring ting tingling too Come on it’s lovely weather For a walkie together with you Oh it’s just like Iditarod Pulling you on the ice We’ve got the leashes in our mouths We’re not gonna ask twice Giddy-yup giddy-yup, giddy-yup let's go We’ll eat all the snow We’ll drag you around till your cheeks glow Giddy-yup giddy-yup, giddy-yup it's grand Tugging at your hand We’re galloping after the scent of a doggie parade that’s grand The other dogs are out there now Making tracks in the snow All the best smells are fading fast To the park we must go So grab that leash and hurry up Anxious doggies are we We’re loaded up with water So we can mark every tree!" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Animals", + "output": "Bernard, who is noted for his gracious manners, was awakened one morning at four forty four a.m. by his ringing telephone... \"Your dog's barking, and it's keeping me awake,\" said an angry voice. Bernard thanked the caller and politely asked his name and number before hanging up. The next morning at precisely four forty four a.m., Bernard called his neighbor back ... \"Good morning, Mr. Williams.... Just called to say that I don't *have* a dog.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Computers", + "output": "I'm sure you've heard the old story referring to optimism and pessimism that is determined by whther you think the glass is half-empty or half-full. Here are the reactions when somebody leaves a half glass of milk next to the keyboard." + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Computers", + "output": "Disclaimer to be used when purchasing software: This check is fully warranted against physical defects and poor workmanship in its stationery. If the check is physically damaged, return it to me and I will replace or repair it at my discretion. No other warranty of any kind is made, neither express nor implied including, but not limited to, the implied warranties of Merchantability, Suitability for Purpose, and Validity of Currency. Any and all risk concerning the actual value of this check is assumed by you, the recipient. Even though I or my agents may have assured you of its worth, either verbally or in written communication, we may have had our fingers crossed, so don't come whimpering back to me if it bounces. The money, if any, represented by this instrument remains my property. You are licensed to use it, however you are not allowed to copy the original check except for your personal records, nor are you permitted to give the money itself to anyone else. Neither may you allow any other person to use the money. Remember, you may have it in your possession, but it still belongs to me, and I'm going to call on you from time to time just to keep tabs on it. This agreement supersedes all others between us, including the equally ridiculous one you have undoubtedly pasted on the back of your packaging, or concealed somewhere in the middle of it. The location of your version of this or any other covenant between us is irrelevant to its inapplicability here. Only this one pertains, and I really mean it. In fact, this one supersedes yours even though yours may say that it supersedes mine. Why, even if yours said it would supersede mine even if mine said it would supersede yours even if yours said... Oh well. You get the idea. You may decline this agreement by returning the uncashed check to me within twenty-four hours. If you attempt to cash it, however, you have implicitly accepted these terms. You may also implicitly accept these terms by:" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Computers", + "output": "Judy was having trouble with her computer. So she called Tony, the computer guy, over to her desk. Tony clicked a couple buttons and solved the problem. As he was walking away, Judy called after him, \"So, what was wrong?\" And he replied, \"It was an ID Ten T Error.\" A puzzled expression ran riot over Judy's face. \"An ID Ten T Error? What's that ... in case I need to fix it again?\" He gave her a grin... \"Haven't you ever heard of an ID Ten T Error before?\" \"No,\" replied Judy. \"Write it down,\" he said, \"and I think you'll figure it out.\" (She wrote...) I D 1 0 T" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Computers", + "output": "They're know miss steaks in this newsletter cause we used special soft wear witch cheques you're spelling. It is mower or lass a weigh to verify. How ever is can knot correct arrows in punctuation ore usage: an it will not fined words witch are miss used butt spelled rite. Four example; a paragraph could have mini flaws but wood bee past by the spell checker. And it wont catch the sentence fragment which you. Their fore, the massage is that proofreading is knot eliminated, it is still berry much reek wired." + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Computers", + "output": "Hello. Yes, you! You, looking at this screen for hours on end, online. You, bleary-eyed. You, an addict. Have you looked in the mirror lately? Been outside? Know what day of the week it is? Your name was given to us by a spouse or family member who is concerned about your Internet addiction. At Internetaholics Anonymous, we can help. We're a non-profit society of recovering addicts like yourself that provides support and counseling through weekly meetings designed to help you cope with your problem. We feature a twelve-step recovery program and in extreme cases, interventions. Although it is our firm belief that you are never \"cured,\" you most certainly can recover. We have designed a brief checklist to determine IF you are an addict. Do you:" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Computers", + "output": "Q: My Etch-A-Sketch has a distorted display. A: Pick it up and shake it. Q: My Etch-A-Sketch has all of these funny little lines all over the screen. A: Pick it up and shake it. Q: How do I turn my Etch-A-Sketch off? A: Pick it up and shake it. Q: What's the shortcut for Undo? A: Pick it up and shake it. Q: How do I create an empty New Document window? A: Pick it up and shake it. Q: How do I Exit without Saving? A: Pick it up and shake it. Q: How do I set the background and foreground to the same color? A: Pick it up and shake it. Q: What is the proper procedure for rebooting my Etch-A-Sketch? A: Pick it up and shake it. Q: How do I delete a document on my Etch-A-Sketch? A: Pick it up and shake it. Q: How do I keep from losing my Etch-A-Sketch documents in the middle of my work? A: Stop shaking it." + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Computers", + "output": "Face it, you're gonna have to go outside eventually. Sure, Amazon.com will deliver right to your door and now even Taco Bell does deliveries, but, mark my words: some day you're going to HAVE to push away from the computer and go ... OUTSIDE!!! Here's a guide:" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Computers", + "output": "\"Honor System Virus\" This virus works on the honor system. Please delete all the files on your hard disk, then forward this message to everyone you know. Thank you for your cooperation." + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Computers", + "output": "This is an actual alert to IBM Field Engineers that went out to all IBM Branch Offices. The person who wrote it was very serious. The rest of us guys find it rather funny.     P/N 33F8462 - Domestic Mouse Balls     P/N 33F8461 - Foreign Mouse Balls" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Computers", + "output": "Loading, loading, loading, Damn this Java coding, Feeling of foreboding, Reload! The Applet says it's running, And that big gray block is stunning, But the screen remains as blank as my mind Netscape crash, Boot 'em up! Net goes down, Dial back! Logging on, Still off-line! Reload! Try it now, Still not up! Netscape crashed, What, again? Boot it up, Log it in, Reload! Tighten, tweaking', smoothen, They say the codes improvin', So how come I'm still usin' \"reload\"? I'm tired of all this waitin', Just give me .gif animation, This code is only good for wasting time, The applet says it's running, And gray block is quite stunning, But the screen remains as blank as my mind," + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Computers", + "output": "For immediate issue: Password Security Guidelines V2.2b Due to new security policies, the following guidelines have been issued to assist in choosing new passwords. Please follow them closely. Passwords must conform to at least 21 of the following attributes." + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Computers", + "output": "The Lord is my programmer, I shall not crash. He installed His software on the hard disk of my heart, All of His commands are user friendly, His directory moves me to the right choices for His name's sake. Even though I scroll through the problems of file, I will fear no bugs, for You are my backup; Your password protects me; You prepare a menu before me in the presence of my enemies; Your help is only a key away. Surely goodness and mercy will follow me all the days of my life, And my file will be merged with His and saved forever." + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Computers", + "output": "New York -- People for Ethical Treatment of Software (PETS) announced today that seven more software companies have been added to the group's \"watch list\" of companies that regularly practice software testing. \"There is no need for software to be mistreated in this way so that companies like these can market new products,\" said Ken Grandola, spokesperson for PETS. \"Alternative methods of testing these products are available.\" According to PETS, these companies force software to undergo lengthy and arduous tests, often without rest, for hours or days at a time. Employees are assigned to \"break\" the software by any means necessary, and inside sources report that they often joke about \"torturing\" the software. \"It's no joke,\" said Grandola. \"Innocent programs, from the day they are compiled, are cooped up in tiny rooms and \"crashed\" for hours on end. They spend their whole lives on dirty, ill-maintained computers, and are unceremoniously deleted when they're not needed anymore.\" Grandola said the software is kept in unsanitary conditions and is infested with bugs. \"We know that alternatives to this horror exist,\" he said, citing industry giant Microsoft Corporation as a company that has become successful without resorting to software testing." + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Computers", + "output": "The annual internet clean up campaign will take place on the evening of March 31st beginning at 9pm EST and continue until April 1st 9am EST. This annual event occurs to remove the trash that forms on the internet throughout the year. Without this annual cleanup campaign the Internet would become so overrun with trash that its ability to pass information back and forth would become severely restricted. All internet users are advised to take the following precautions to prevent damage or loss of information:" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Computers", + "output": "WARNING! WARNING! WARNING! WARNING! WARNING! WARNING! WARNING! If you receive an e-mail with a subject of \"Badtimes,\" delete it immediately WITHOUT reading it. This is the most viscous and dangerous Email virus yet. It will re-write your hard drive. Not only that, but it will scramble any disks that are even close to your computer. It will recalibrate your refrigerator's coolness setting so all your ice cream gets melted. It will demagnetize the strips on all your credit cards, screw up the tracking on your VCR and use subspace field harmonics to scratch any CD's you try to play. It will give your ex-boy/girlfriend your new phone number. It will mix antifreeze into your fishtank. It will drink all your beer and leave its socks out on the coffee table when there's company coming over. It will put a dead kitten in the back pocket of your good suit and hide your car keys when you are late for work. Badtimes will make you fall in love with a penguin. It will give you nightmares about circus midgets. It will pour sugar in your gas tank and shave off both your eyebrows while dating your current boy/girlfriend behind your back and billing the dinner and hotel room to your Visa card. It will seduce your grandmother. It does not matter if she is dead, such is the power of Badtimes, it reaches out beyond the grave to sully those things we hold most dear. It moves your car randomly around parking lots so you can't find it. It will kick your dog. It will leave libidinous messages on your boss's voice mail in your voice! It is insidious and subtle." + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Computers", + "output": "Come and listen to a story 'bout a man named Jed, A poor college kid, barely kept his family fed, But one day he was talking to a recruiter, Who said, \"they pay big bucks if ya work on a computer...\" UNIX, that is... CRTs... Workstations... Well, the first thing ya know ol' Jed's an Engineer. The kinfolk said \"Jed, move away from here\". They said \"Arizona is the place ya oughta be\", So he bought a box of donuts and he moved to Ahwatukee... Intel, that is... dry heat... no amusement parks... On his first day at work, they stuck him in a cube. Fed him mo' donuts and sat him at a tube. Said \"yo project's outta budget, but we know just what to do. Instead of 40 hours, we'll work you 52!\" OT, that is... unpaid... mandatory... The weeks rolled by and things were looking bad. Schedules were slipping and the boss was getting mad. They called another meeting and decided on a fix. The answer was simple... \"We'll work him sixty-six!\" Tired, that is... stressed out... no social life... Months turned to years and his hair was turning grey. Jed worked hard while his life just slipped away. Waiting to retire when he turned to 64, Instead he got a call and escorted out the door. Laid off, that is... lead hand shake... unemployed... Now the moral of the story is listen to what you're told, Companies will use you and discard you when you're old. So gather up your friends and start your own firm, Beat the competition, watch the bosses squirm. Millionaires, that is... Bill Gates... Steve Jobs... Y'all come back now... ya hear'" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Computers", + "output": "***** WARN AS MANY PEOPLE AS YOU CAN. ***** This is straight from DC: If you receive an email entitled \"Badtimes\", delete it IMMEDIATELY. Do not open it. Apparently this one is pretty nasty. It will not only erase everything on your hard drive, but it will also delete anything on disks within 20 feet of your computer. It demagnetizes the strips on ALL of your credit cards. It reprograms your ATM access code, screws up the tracking on your VCR and uses subspace field harmonics to scratch any CD's you attempt to play.It will program your phone auto-dial to call only 900 numbers. This virus will mix antifreeze into your fish tank. IT WILL CAUSE YOUR TOILET TO FLUSH WHILE YOU ARE SHOWERING. It will drink ALL your beer. FOR GOD'S SAKE, ARE YOU LISTENING?? It will leave dirty underwear on the coffee table when you are expecting company. It will replace your shampoo with Nair and you Nair with Rogaine, all the while dating your current boy/girlfriend behind your back and billing their hotel rendezvous to your Visa card. It will cause you to run with scissors and throw things in a way that is only fun until someone loses an eye. It will rewrite your backup files, changing all your active verbs to passive tense and incorporating undetectable misspellings which grossly change the interpretations of key sentences. If the \"Badtimes\" message opened in a Windows 95/98 environment, it will leave the toilet seat up and leave your hair dryer plugged in dangerously close to a full bathtub. It will not only remove the forbidden tags from your mattresses and pillows, It will also refill your skim milk with whole milk." + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Computers", + "output": "If a packet hits a pocket on a socket on a port, And the bus is interrupted as a very last resort, And the address of the memory makes your floppy disk abort, Then the socket packet pocket has an error to report! If your cursor finds a menu item followed by a dash, And the double-clicking icons put your window in the trash, And your data is corrupted 'cause the index doesn't hash, Then your situation's hopeless, and your system's gonna crash! If the label on your cable on the gable at your house, Says the network is connected to the button on your mouse, But your packets want to tunnel to another protocol, That's repeatedly rejected by the printer down the hall. And your screen is all distorted by the side effects of gauss, So your icons in the window are as wavy as a souse, Then you may as well reboot and go out with a bang, 'Cause as sure as I'm a poet, the sucker's gonna hang! When the copy of your floppy's getting sloppy on the disk, And the microcode instructions cause unnecessary RISC, Then you have to flash your memory and you'll want to RAM your ROM, Quickly turn off your computer and be sure to tell your mom!" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Computers", + "output": "QUESTION: Where do the characters go when I use my backspace or delete them on my computer? ANSWER: The characters go to different places, depending on whom you ask:" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Computers", + "output": "I had run across the term cyber sex a few times lately, so I decided to try to figure out what it meant. I figured it had something to do with the computer, so I started trying to find the sex drive on mine. I looked everywhere, in all the folders on the My Computer section, the add/uninstall software, install hardware part of the control panel, then I got out all the manuals and went through them. I finally came to the conclusion that my computer is not equipped with one." + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Family, Parents", + "output": "A weary mother returned from the store, Lugging groceries through the kitchen door. Awaiting her arrival was her 8 year old son, Anxious to relate what his younger brother had done. \"While I was out playing and Dad was on a call, T.J. took his crayons and wrote on the wall! It's on the new paper you just hung in the den. I told him you'd be mad at having to do it again.\" She let out a moan and furrowed her brow, \"Where is your little brother right now?\" She emptied her arms and with a purposeful stride, She marched to his closet where he had gone to hide. She called his full name as she entered his room. He trembled with fear--he knew that meant doom! For the next ten minutes, she ranted and raved About the expensive wallpaper and how she had saved. Lamenting all the work it would take to repair, She condemned his actions and total lack of care. The more she scolded, the madder she got, Then stomped from his room, totally distraught! She headed for the den to confirm her fears. When she saw the wall, her eyes flooded with tears. The message she read pierced her soul with a dart. It said, \"I love Mommy,\" surrounded by a heart. Well, the wallpaper remained, just as she found it, With an empty picture frame hung to surround it. A reminder to her, and indeed to all, Take time to read the handwriting on the wall." + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Children", + "output": "Now I lay me down to sleep, I pray my sanity to keep. For if some peace I do not find, I'm pretty sure I'll lose my mind. I pray I find a little quiet Far from the daily family riot. May I lie back--not have to think about what they're stuffing down the sink, or who they're with, or where they're at and what they're doing to the cat. I pray for time all to myself (did something just fall off a shelf?) To cuddle in my nice, soft bed (Oh no, another goldfish--dead!) Some silent moments for goodness sake (Did I just hear a window break?) And that I need not cook or clean-- (well heck, I've got the right to dream) Yes now I lay me down to sleep, I pray my wits about me keep, But as I look around I know-- I must have lost them long ago!" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Children", + "output": "A small boy is sent to bed by his father. Five minutes later....\"Da-ad....\" \"What?\" \"I'm thirsty. Can you bring me a drink of water?\" \"No. You had your chance. Lights out.\" Five minutes later... \"Da-aaaad.....\" \"WHAT?\" \"I'm THIRSTY. Can I have a drink of water??\" \"I told you NO!\" If you ask again, I'll have to spank you!!\" Five minutes later... \"Daaaa-aaaad.....\" \"WHAT!\" \"When you come in to spank me, can you bring a drink of water?\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Children", + "output": "A couple just started their Lamaze class and they were given an activity requiring the husband to wear a bag of sand -- to give him an idea of what it feels like to be pregnant. The husband stood up and shrugged saying, \"This doesn't feel so bad.\" The Lamaze instructor then dropped a pen and asked the husband to pick it up. \"You want me to pick up the pen as if I were pregnant, the way my wife would do it?\" the husband asked. \"Exactly,\" replied the instructor. To the delight of the other husbands, he turned to his wife and said, \"Honey, pick up that pen for me.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Medical", + "output": "The Lord is my external-internal integrative mechanism, I shall not be deprived of gratification for my viscerogenic hungers or my need dispositions. He motivates me to orient myself toward a non-social object with affective significance. He positions me in a non-decisional situation. He maximizes my adjustment. Although I entertain masochistic and self-destructive id impulses, I will maintain contact with reality, for my superego is dominant. His analysis and tranquilizers, they comfort me. He assists in the resolution of my internal conflicts despite my Oedipal problem and psychopathic compulsions. He promotes my group identification. My personality is totally integrated. Surely my prestige and status shall be enhanced as a direct function of time, And I shall remain sociologically, psychologically and economically secure forever." + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Medical", + "output": "A class from a nearby university was visiting a major drug manufacturer. The tour guide led the students to a glass-enclosed room. They could see several people in white lab coats. With her back to the glass, the guide announced: \"In this room researchers are actively searching for a cure for cancer.\" She stopped short as the group broke out laughing. Puzzled, the guide turned to look. Through the glass she saw three scientists in animated debate, flipping through the Yellow Pages." + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Medical", + "output": "Female Pharmacist A man went into a pharmacy and asked to talk to a male pharmacist. The woman he was talking to said that she was the pharmacist and that she and her sister owned the store, so there were no males employed there. She then asked if there was something which she could help the gentleman with. The man said that it was something that he would be much more comfortable discussing with a male pharmacist. The female pharmacist assured him that she was completely professional and whatever it was that he needed to discuss, he could be confident that she would treat him with the highest level of professionalism. The man agreed and began by saying, \"This is tough for me to discuss, but I have a permanent erection. It causes me a lot of problems and severe embarrassment. So I was wondering what you could give me for it?\" The pharmacist said, \"Just a minute, I'll go talk to my sister.\" When she returned, she said, \"We discussed it at length and the absolute best we can do is, 1/3 ownership in the store, a company car, and $3000 a month living expenses." + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Medical", + "output": "A guy is walking past a high, solid wooden fence at the insane asylum and he hears all the residents inside chanting, \"Thirteen! Thirteen! Thirteen!\" He continues walking along the long fence, but, being a curious person, he can't help but wonder why they are chanting \"Thirteen!\" over and over. Could it be that they are chugging beer? Are they perhaps taking turns beating one of the inmates? Maybe they are counting the number of patients that have leapt off of the roof thus far." + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Medical", + "output": "Many women are afraid of their first mammogram, but there is no need to worry. By taking a few minutes each day for a week preceding the exam and doing the following practice exercises, you will be totally prepared for the test, and best of all, you can do these simple practice exercises right in your home. Exercise 1: Open your refrigerator door and insert one breast between the door and the main box. Have one of your strongest friends slam the door shut as hard as possible and lean on the door for good measure. Hold that position for five seconds. Repeat again in case the first time wasn't effective enough. Exercise 2: Visit your garage at 3 AM when the temperature of the cement floor is just perfect. Take off all your clothes and lie comfortably on the floor with one breast wedged under the rear tire of the car. Ask a friend to slowly back the car up until your breast is sufficiently flattened and chilled. Turn over and repeat for the other breast. Exercise 3: Freeze two metal bookends overnight. Strip to the waist. Invite a stranger into the room. Press the bookends against one of your breasts. Smash the bookends together as hard as you can. Set an appointment with the stranger to meet next year and do it again. You are now properly prepared." + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Miscellaneous", + "output": "Everybody has a good excuse for not attending church. If you take those excuses and apply them to other things we do (or don't do), like eating, they might look like this list:" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Miscellaneous", + "output": "My appetite is my shepherd, I always want. It maketh me sit down and stuff myself. It leadeth me to my refrigerator repeatedly Sometimes during the night. It leadeth me in the path of Burger King for a Whopper. It destroyeth my shape. Yea, though I knoweth I gaineth, I will not stop eating, For the food tasteth so good. The ice cream and the cookies, they comfort me. When the table is spread before me, it exciteth me. For I knoweth that I sooneth shall dig in. As I filleth my plate continuously. My clothes runneth smaller. Surely bulges and pudgies shall follow me All the days of my life And I shall be \"pleasingly plump\" forever." + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Sports", + "output": "Lineup: Conscience is left behind at the gate. Jockey Shorts and Silk Panties are off in a hurry. Heavy Bosom is being pressured. Passionate Lady is caught by Thighs and Big Dick is in a dangerous spot!" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Sports", + "output": "It is the Olympic men's figure skating. Out comes the Russian competitor, he skates around to some classical music in a slightly dull costume, performs some excellent leaps but without any great artistic feel for the music. The Judges' scores read: Britain 5.8: Russia 5.9: United States 5.5: Ireland 6.0 Next comes the American competitor in a sparkling stars and stripes costume, skating to some rock and roll music. He gets the crowd clapping, but is not technically as good as the Russian. He slightly misses landing a triple spin and loses the center during a spin. But, artistically, it is a more satisfying performance. The Judges' scores read:Britain 5.8: Russia 5.5: United States 5.9: Ireland 6.0 Finally out comes the Irish competitor wearing a tatty old donkey jacket, with his skates tied over his willies. He reaches the ice, trips straight away and bangs his nose which starts bleeding. He tries to get up, staggers a few paces then slips again. He spends his entire 'routine' getting up then falling over again. Finally he crawls off the ice a tattered and bleeding mess. The Judges' scores read:Britain 0.0: Russia 0.0: United States 0.0: Ireland 6.0 The other 3 judges turn to the Irish judge and demand in unison, \"How the heck can you give that mess 6.0?!\" To which the Irish judge replies \"You've got to remember, it's darn slippery out there." + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Sports", + "output": "Zeke and Zeb decided to build a Bungee Jumping tower in Cabo San Lucas, Mexico to see if it would make them some money. After they got it set up, they noticed that the crowds gathered around, but nobody was buying tickets. Zeke said to Zeb, \"Maybe you should demonstrate it to them so they get the idea.\" After Zeb was strapped on he jumped and fell almost to the ground before springing back. As he came up Zeke noticed that his clothes were torn and wondered what happened. Zeb went down again and this time when he sprang back up Zeke noticed that he was bleeding. Zeke thought, \"WOW! What is going on here?!?\" Zeb went down a third time and this time when he sprang back, Zeke noticed he had blood, contusions and cuts all over his body. Zeke pulled Zeb in and said \"Zeb, what happened?\" Zeb, barely conscious, groaned, \"I don't know, but what's a piñata?\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Sports", + "output": "My first is in kendo but not in Olympics. My second is in hurdles and in hunting. My third is in bowman and in bowling. My fourth is in cycling and in golf. My fifth is in flying and not in swimming. My last is in running and not in dancing. My whole is a sport. What am I? See Answer below... .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. The answer to the Riddle is - Kung Fu" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Miscellaneous", + "output": "The controller who was working a busy pattern told the 727 on downwind to make a three-sixty (to do a complete circle, usually to provide spacing between aircraft). The pilot of the 727 complained, \"Do you know It costs us two thousand dollars to make a three-sixty in this airplane? Without missing a beat the controller replied, \"Roger, give me four thousand dollars worth!\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Miscellaneous", + "output": "In a transatlantic flight, a plane passes through a severe storm. The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse when one wing is struck by lightning. One woman in particular loses it. Screaming, she stands up in the front of the plane. \"I'm too young to die!\" she wails. Then she yells, \"Well, if I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on Earth to be memorable! I've had plenty of sex in my life, but no one has ever made me really feel like a woman! Well, I've had it! Is there ANYONE on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN??\" For a moment there is silence. Everyone has forgotten their own peril, and they all stare, riveted, at the desperate woman in the front of the plane. Then, a man stands up in the rear of the plane. \"I can make you feel like a woman,\" he says. He's gorgeous. Tall, built, with long, flowing black hair and jet black eyes, he starts to walk slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt one button at a time. No one moves. The woman is breathing heavily in anticipation as the stranger approaches. He removes his shirt. Muscles ripple across his chest as he reaches her, and extends the arm holding his shirt to the trembling woman, and whispers: \"Here. Iron this.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Miscellaneous", + "output": "On a flight from Johannesburg, a middle-aged, well-off white South African Lady found herself sitting next to a black man. She called the cabin crew attendant over to complain about her seating. \"What seems to be the problem Madam?\" asked the attendant. \"Can't you see?\" she said, \"You've sat me next to a kafir. I can't possibly sit next to this disgusting human. Find me another seat!\" \"Please calm down, Madam.\" the stewardess replied. \"The flight is very full today, but I'll tell you what I'll do - I'll go and check to see if we have any seats available in club or first class.\" The woman cocks a snooty look at the outraged black man beside her. A few minutes later the stewardess returns with the good news, which she delivers to the lady, who cannot help but look at the people around her with a smug and self-satisfied grin: \"Madam, unfortunately, as I suspected, economy is full. I've spoken to the cabin services director, and club is also full. However, we do have one seat in first class.\" Before the lady has a chance to answer, the stewardess continues... \"It is most extraordinary to make this kind of upgrade, however, and I have had to get special permission from the captain. But, given the circumstances, the captain felt that it was outrageous that someone should be forced to sit next such an obnoxious person.\" Having said that, the stewardess turned to the black man sitting next to the lady, and said: \"So if you'd like to get your things, sir, I have your seat ready for you...\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Miscellaneous", + "output": "During taxi, the crew of a US AIR departure flight to Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727. The irate ground controller (a female) screamed, \"US Air 2771, where are you going? I told you to turn right on \"Charlie\" taxiway; you turned right on \"Delta\". Stop right there! I know it's difficult to tell the difference between C's & D's, but get it right!\" Continuing her lashing to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically, \"You've screwed everything up; it'll take forever to sort this out. You stay right there and don't move until I tell you to! Then, I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you. You got that, US Air 2771?\" The humbled crew responded, \"Yes, Ma'am.\" The ground control frequency went terribly silent; no one wanted to engage the irate ground controller in her current state. Tension in every cockpit at LGA was running high. Then an unknown male pilot broke the silence and asked, \"Wasn't I married to you once?\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Miscellaneous", + "output": "A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, \"Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and therefore we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax - OH MY GOD!\" Silence. Then, the captain came back on the intercom and said, \"Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier, but while I was talking, the flight-attendant brought me a cup of coffee and spilled the hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!\" A passenger in Coach said, \"That's nothing. He should see the back of mine!\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Miscellaneous", + "output": "To ensure that you have a good time on your trip to Australia, your team members have planned and developed a special itinerary to fill the time during your leisure hours. Agenda follows:" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Holidays", + "output": "Twas the night before Christmas when all through the house I searched for the tools o hand to my spouse Instructions were studied and we were inspired, in hopes we could manage \"Some Assembly Required.\" The children were quiet (not asleep) in their beds, while Dad and I faced the evening with dread: a kitchen, two bikes, Barbie's town house to boot! And, thanks to Grandpa, a train with a toot! We opened the boxes, my heart skipped a beat- let no parts be missing or parts incomplete! Too late for last-minute returns or replacement; if we can't get it right, it goes in the basement! When what to my worrying eyes should appear but 50 sheets of directions, concise, but not clear, With each part numbered and every slot named, so if we failed, only we could be blamed. More rapid than eagles the parts then fell out, all over the carpet they were scattered about. \"Now bolt it! Now twist it! Attach it right there! Slide on the seats, and staple the stair! Hammer the shelves, and nail to the stand.\" \"Honey,\" said hubby, \"you just glued my hand.\" And then in a twinkling, I knew for a fact that all the toy dealers had indeed made a pact to keep parents busy all Christmas Eve night with \"assembly required\" till morning's first light We spoke not a word, but kept bent at our work, till our eyes, they went bleary; our fingers all hurt. The coffee went cold and the night, it wore thin before we attached the last rod and last pin. Then laying the tools away in the chest, we fell into bed for a well-deserved rest. But I said to my husband just before I passed out, \"This will be the best Christmas, without any doubt. Tomorrow we'll cheer, let the holiday ring, and not have to run to the store for a thing! We did it! We did it! The toys are all set for the perfect, most perfect, Christmas, I bet!\" Then off to dreamland and sweet repose I gratefull went, though I suppose there's something to say for those self-deluded- I'd forgotten that BATTERIES are never included!" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Holidays", + "output": "Dear Santa, I understand that one of my colleagues has petitioned you for changes in her contract, specifically asking for anatomical and career changes. In addition, it is my understanding that disparaging remarks were made about me, my ability to please, and some of my fashion choices. I would like to take this opportunity to inform you of some issues concerning Ms. Barbie, and some of my own needs and desires. First of all, I, along with several other colleagues feel Barbie DOES NOT deserve preferential treatment - the bitch has everything. I, along with Joe, Jem, Raggedy Ann & Andy, DO NOT have a dreamhouse, Corvette, evening gowns, and in some cases the ability to change our hair style. I personally have only 3 outfits which I am forced to mix and match at great length. My decision to accessorize my outfits with an earring was my decision and reflects my lifestyle choice. I too would like a change in my career. Have you ever considered \"Decorator Ken\", \"Beauty Salon Ken\", or \"Out Of Work Actor Ken\"? In addition, there are several other avenues which could be considered such as: \"S&M Ken\" , \"Green Lantern Ken\", \"Circuit Ken\", \"Bear Ken\", \"Master Ken\". These would more accurately reflect my desires and perhaps open up new markets. And as for Barbie needing bendable arms so she can \"push me away,\" I need bendable knees so I can kick the bitch to the curb. Bendable knees would also be helpful for me in other situations - we've talked about this issue before. In closing, I would like to point out that any further concessions to the blond bimbo from hell will result in action being taken by myself and others. And Barbie can forget about having Joe - he's mine... at least that's what he said last night. Sincerely, Ken" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Holidays", + "output": "To: All Employees From: Management Subject: Office conduct during the Christmas season Effective immediately, employees should keep in mind the following guidelines in compliance with FROLIC (the Federal Revelry Office and Leisure Industry Council). In spite of all this, the staff is encouraged to have a Happy Holiday." + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Holidays", + "output": "A new contract for Santa has finally been negotiated....Please read the following carefully....... I regret to inform you that, effective immediately, I will no longer be able to serve Southern United States on Christmas Eve. Due to the overwhelming current population of the earth, my contract was renegotiated by North American Fairies and Elves Local 209. I now serve only certain areas of Ohio, Indiana, Illinois, Wisconsin and Michigan. As part of the new and better contract I also get longer breaks for milk and cookies so keep that in mind. However, I'm certain that your children will be in good hands with your local replacement who happens to be my third cousin, Bubba Claus. His side of the family is from the South Pole. He shares my goal of delivering toys to all the good boys and girls; however, there are a few differences between us. Differences such as:" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Holidays", + "output": "If you are a man, chances are you have forgotten that Valentine's Day or that all-important anniversary is coming up soon. Now that you know, this seems a good time to pause for a large hysterical fit. The angst you are feeling right now stems from a complete lack of understanding about what makes a woman feel romantic. I don't know either, but I did look it up on the Internet. Not counting about 5,000 Web sites that seem to correlate the word \"romance\" with \"hot mamas,\" here's what I found out." + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Holidays", + "output": "After she woke up, a woman told her husband, \"I just dreamed that you gave me a pearl necklace for Valentine's day. What do you think it means?\" \"You'll know on Valentine's Day.\" he said. On Valentine's Day, the man came home with a small package and gave it to his wife. Delighted, she opened it - to find a book entitled.... \"The Meaning Of Dreams.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Holidays", + "output": "In sixteenth-century France, the start of the new year was observed on April first. It was celebrated in much the same way as it is today with parties and dancing into the late hours of the night. Then in 1562, Pope Gregory introduced a new calendar for the Christian world, and the new year fell on January first. There were some people, however, who hadn't heard or didn't believe the change in the date, so they continued to celebrate New Year's Day on April first. Others played tricks on them and called them \"April fools.\" They sent them on a \"fool's errand\" or tried to make them believe that something false was true. In France today, April first is called \"Poisson d'Avril.\" French children fool their friends by taping a paper fish to their friends' backs. When the \"young fool\" discovers this trick, the prankster yells \"Poisson d'Avril!\" (April Fish!)" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Political", + "output": "On November 22nd, who killed Kennedy? A lone nut by the name of Lee On November 22nd, who killed Kennedy? 2 Mafia thugs and a lone nut by the name of Lee On November 22nd, who killed Kennedy? 3 federal agents 2 Mafia thugs and a lone nut by the name of Lee On November 22nd, who killed Kennedy? 4 Cuban hitmen 3 federal agents 2 Mafia thugs and a lone nut by the name of Lee On November 22nd, who killed Kennedy? The Dallas P.D. 4 Cuban hitmen 3 federal agents 2 Mafia thugs and a lone nut by the name of Lee On November 22nd, who killed Kennedy? 6 Russian snipers the Dallas P.D. 4 Cuban hitmen 3 federal agents 2 Mafia thugs and a lone nut by the name of Lee On November 22nd, who killed Kennedy? 7 Corporations 6 Russian snipers the Dallas P.D. 4 Cuban hitmen 3 federal agents 2 Mafia thugs and a lone nut by the name of Lee On November 22nd, who killed Kennedy? 8 right wing loonies 7 corporations 6 Russian snipers the Dallas P.D. 4 Cuban hitmen 3 federal agents 2 Mafia thugs and a lone nut by the name of Lee On November 22nd, who killed Kennedy? 9 postal workers 8 right wing loonies 7 corporations 6 Russian snipers the Dallas P.D. 4 Cuban hitmen 3 federal agents 2 Mafia thugs and a lone nut by the name of Lee On November 22nd, who killed Kennedy? 10 Nazi soldiers 9 postal workers 8 right wing loonies 7 corporations 6 Russian snipers the Dallas P.D. 4 Cuban hitmen 3 federal agents 2 Mafia thugs and a lone nut by the name of Lee On November 22nd, who killed Kennedy? 11 ninja masters 10 Nazi soldiers 9 postal workers 8 right wing loonies 7 corporations 6 Russian snipers the Dallas P.D. 4 Cuban hitmen 3 federal agents 2 Mafia thugs and a lone nut by the name of Lee On November 22nd, who killed Kennedy? 12 space invaders 11 ninja masters 10 Nazi soldiers 9 Postal workers 8 right wing loonies 7 corporations 6 Russian snipers the Dallas P.D. 4 Cuban hitmen 3 federal agents 2 Mafia thugs and a lone nut by the name of Lee" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Political", + "output": "Clinton died and went to heaven-or to be more accurate-approached the Pearly Gates. After knocking at the gates, St. Peter appeared. \"Who goes there?\" inquired St. Peter. \"'Tis I, your lordship, President Bill Clinton.\" \"And what do you want?\" asked St. Peter. \"Lemme in!\" replied Clinton. \"Soooo,\" pondered Peter. \"What bad things did you do on earth?\" Clinton thought a bit and answered, \"Well, I smoked marijuana-but you shouldn't hold that against me because I didn't inhale. I guess I had extramarital sex-but you shouldn't hold that against me because I didn't really have sexual relations. And I lied, but I didn't commit perjury.\" After several moments of deliberation St. Peter replied, \"OK, here's the deal. We'll send you someplace where it is very hot, but we won't call it Hell.' You'll be there for an indefinite period of time, but we won't call it 'eternity.' And don't 'abandon all hope' upon entering, just don't hold your breath waiting for it to freeze over." + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Political", + "output": "I did not do it in a car I did not do it in a bar I did not do it in the dark I did not do it in the park I did not do it on a date I did not ever fornicate I did not do it at a dance I did not do it in her pants I did not get beyond first base I did not do it in her face I never did it in a bed If you think that, you've been misled I did not do it with a groan I did not do it on the phone I did not cause her dress to stain I never boinked Suddam Hussein I did not do it with a whip I never fondled Linda Tripp I never acted really silly With volunteers like Kathleen Willey There was one time, with Margaret Thatcher I chased her 'round, but could not catch her No kinky stuff, not on your life I wouldn't even with my wife And Gennifer Flowers' tale of woes Was paid for by my right-wing foes And Paula Jones, and those state troopers Are just a bunch of party poopers I did not ask my friends to lie I did not hang them out to dry I did not do it last November But if I did, I don't remember I did not do it in the hall I could have, but I don't recall I never did it in my study I never did it with my dog, Buddy I never did it to Sox, the cat I might have-once-with Arafat I never did it in a hurry I never groped Ms Betty Currie There was no sex at Arlington There was no sex on Air Force One I might have copped a little feel And then endeavored to conceal But never did these things so lewd At least, not ever in the nude These things to which I have confessed They do not count, if we stayed dressed It never happened with cigar I never dated Mrs. Starr I did not know this little sin Would be retold on CNN I broke some rules my mama taught me I tried to hide, but now you've caught me But I implore, I do beseech Do not condemn, do not impeach I might have got a little tail But never, never did inhale" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Political", + "output": "During the 2000 Campaign, George W. Bush promised a leaner and more cost-efficient military. \"I'm pleased to report,\" the President spoke, \"that we have downed the most sophisticated Chinese fighter without spending two million dollars on an air-to-air missile.\" President Bush's \"Don't Ask, Just Give 'em Hell\" policy is a sharp departure from former President Clinton's focus on moving the Pentagon to San Francisco and painting Navy battleships a bright lavender. The President was particularly pleased that it was a 50's era propeller driven plane that took out the Chinese aircraft. \"Heck, we bought and paid for that sucker fifty years ago. It didn't cost the American taxpayer a single dime to take out that commie.\" Bush was also pleased his \"Ram The Bastard\" policy for Navy submarines was a rousing success. \"Just think of all of the torpedoes we can save money on!\" The President seemed only momentarily flustered when asked if the Navy should, perhaps, target enemies of the United States instead of friendly countries like Japan. \"Didn't Japan sink a bunch of our battleships in World War I or II? I'll ask Poppy.\" The President wants to get the Army involved next by sending tanks into Canada. \"Moscow's in Canada, right?\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Political", + "output": "During his visit to the United States the Pope met with President Clinton. Instead of just an hour, as scheduled, the meeting went on for two days. Finally, a weary President Clinton emerged to face the waiting news media. The President was smiling and announced the summit was a resounding success. He said he and the Pope agreed on 80% of the matters they discussed. Then Mr. Clinton declared he was going home to the White House to be with his family. A few minutes later, the Pope came out to make his statement. He looked tired, discouraged and was practically in tears. Sadly he announced his meeting with the President was a failure. Incredulous, one reporter asked, \"But your Holiness, President Clinton just announced the summit was a great success and the two of you agreed on 80% of the items discussed.\" Exasperated, the Pope answered, \"Yes, but we were talking about the Ten Commandments.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Political", + "output": "From the law offices of Johnnie Cochrane, Esquire, here are the top ten proposed closing arguments in the matter of the United States v. William J. Clinton:" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Political", + "output": "Priceline.com's stock soared and eBay created an entire new section on their online auction site to accommodate the US Congress' overhaul of campaign financial law. Senator John McCain, in a speech from Capitol Hill, praised his fellow Senators's choice to \"name your own price\" for Congressional influence. \"This is significant legislation that will turn around a stagnant economy by pouring millions into politicians' pockets.\" In the new law, private citizens will be able to log onto Priceline.com and \"name their own price\" to influence a member of the House. Citizens wishing to purchase a Senator need to logon to Ebay. William Jefferson Clinton has replaced William Shatner as spokesman for the new Congressional Priceline. In an \"off-camera\" remark, as Mr. Clinton held his crotch, he said, \"This is going to be *big*, really *big*.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Political", + "output": "Dear Tide, I'm writing to you to say what an excellent product you have. I've used it since my college days, when my Mom told me it was the best. In fact, about a month ago, while at my girlfriend's house, I spilled some red wine on my new white shirt. She started to berate me about my drinking problem. One thing lead to another and I had a lot of her blood on my white shirt, as well. I tried to get the stain out using her bargain detergent, but it wouldn't come out. On my way home, I stopped and got a bottle of liquid Tide and all of the stains came out. So well, in fact, that the DNA tests where negative! I thank you, once again, for a great product. I now have to write a letter to the Hefty bag people. Yours truly, Gary Condit" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Political", + "output": "\"Florida Lottery\" Guess what?!?!? I won the lottery..I'm gonna be rich!! I won the Florida lottery! I'm now a multimillionaire! Can you believe it?!? I'm bouncing off the walls here! You see, my ticket doesn't have the exact winning numbers on it, but I meant to pick those winning numbers. The ticket was very confusing when I was filling it out and so I ended up with the wrong numbers on my card. But since I really meant to pick those other numbers, they're going to give me the money anyway!!!! They really shouldn't make those darn cards so hard to fill out!!! And even though I was confused, I didn't ask for help because no one would have helped me anyway and I didn't want to appear like I didn't know what I was doing. Isn't it nice of Florida to give the money anyway. I know, if the FL State Lottery won't give me the money, I'll just sue them!!!" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Political", + "output": "George W. Bush, in an airport lobby, noticed a man in a long flowing white robe with a long flowing white beard and flowing white hair. The man had a staff in one hand and some stone tablets under the other arm. George W. approached the man and inquired, \"Aren't you Moses?\" The man ignored George W. and stared at the ceiling. George W. positioned himself more directly in the man's view and asked again, \"Aren't you Moses?\" The man continued to peruse the ceiling. George W. tugged at the man's sleeve and asked once again, \"Aren't you Moses?\" The man finally responded in an irritated voice, \"Yes, I am.\" George W. asked him why he was so uppity and the man replied, \"The last time I spoke to a Bush I had to spend forty years in the desert.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Political", + "output": "To the citizens of the United States of America: Following your failure to elect anybody, either a half decent candidate or a B-movie actor as President of the USA to govern yourselves and, by extension, the free world, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence. Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume a monarch's duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories. To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, please comply with the following acts:" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Political", + "output": "Monica Lewinsky was walking on the beach when she found a lantern washed up on the shore. She started to rub it and out popped a genie. \"Oh goodie, now I will get three wishes!\" she exclaimed. \"No,\" said the genie, \"You have been very bad this year, and because of this, I can only give you one wish.\" \"Let's see,\" says Monica, \"I don't need fame, because I have plenty of that due to all of the media coverage. And I don't need money, because after I write my book, and do all my interviews, I'll have all the money I could ever want. I would like to get rid of these love handles, though. Yes, that's it, for my one wish, I would like my love handles removed.\" Poof! And just like that..her ears fell off." + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Political", + "output": "In new documents just revealed by the Justice Department, in addition to the controversial pardon of fugitive Marc Rich, former President Clinton also pardoned Adolph Hitler and Satan. With minutes to go before his term expired, Clinton signed an order to pardon himself. Clinton's press liaison defended the pardons. \"President Clinton reasoned it's time to put this whole 'World War' thing behind us. \"While Hitler did indeed have a few bad years, he's been a model of civility for the last 56 years. We think he deserves a second chance.\" Clinton seemed to identify with Hitler. \"There were forces constantly at work against him. I'm not condoning what he did, mind you, but I feel his pain. I know exactly what it's like to have the media of the world against you.\" Clinton's pardon of Satan drew some right-wing Republican protests. Representative Dan Burton called upon Clinton to appear before Congress and explain the action. Burton believes there was a deal between the Prince of Darkness and Clinton to help build Clinton's Presidential Library in exchange for the pardon and Clinton's soul. Democrats were quick to dismiss the charges. Senator Tom Daschle said, \"These charges are bogus because President Clinton sold his soul to Satan years ago.\" Just before he posed for pictures on Inauguration Day with the new president, Clinton signed a pardon forgiving himself \"for any goddamned thing anyone wants to pin on me, for all eternity -- even things they've not found out about yet!\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Political", + "output": "Well dere once was a story 'bout a man named Bill; Da poor president couldn't keep his willie still; Den one day he was workin' at his desk, When in walks Monica and shows da boy her chest... Boobs, that is. Two of 'em. Bodacious ta ta's. Well da next thing ya know, Monica is on her knees, Mouth open wide and as happy as you please; Bill sez, \"oh yeah now-don't say a thing,\" \"If you do a good job then we'll have a little fling.\" Blow job, that is. Phalli osculation. Well, Bill lost his load and it fell upon her dress, He said, \"Clean it up, 'cuz you really are a mess, And you're invited here to dis fine locality, To have a heapin' helpin' of little Willie C.\" Da wiener, that is. Da presidential staff. So week after week, Monica is on her knees Keepin' Willie and his Wiener just as happy as you please, But then she figured out dat the fling had gone too far, And she blabbed it all to Linda Tripp who blabbed it all to Starr. Bad girl, that is. Cigars. Bodacious ta ta's. Well it weren't too long till we all knew the score, 'bout da stuff dat went down behind da oval office door; Da country's in da toilet and da people cry, \"No More\" But if we oust da cheatin' jerk, den we gotta live with Gore. Boob, that is. Great big one. Head stuck up his rear. So now ya know da story 'bout Bill our president, Wonderin' if dis fling's gonna cost him every cent; So da moral of da story is to do it quietly, And stay outta trouble with dat bitch named Hillary." + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Political", + "output": "President George W. Bush is visiting an elementary school today and he visits one of the 4th grade classes. They are in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings. The teacher asks the President if he would like to lead the class in the discussion of the word, \"tragedy.\" So the President asks the class for an example of a \"tragedy.\" One little boy stands up and offers, \"If my best friend, who lives next door, is playing in the street and a car comes along and runs him over, that would be a tragedy.\" \"No\" says Bush, \"that would be an accident.\" A little girl raises her hand: \"If a school bus carrying 50 children drove off a cliff, killing everyone involved, that would be a tragedy.\" \"I'm afraid not\" explains the President. \"That's what we would call a GREAT LOSS.\" The room goes silent. No other children volunteer. President Bush searches the room. \"Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?\" Finally, way in the back of the room, a boy named Johnny raises his hand. In a quiet voice he says, \"If Air Force One, carrying you and Mrs. Bush, was struck by a missile and blown up to smithereens, that would be a tragedy. \"Correct\" exclaims Bush, \"that's right. And can you tell me WHY that would be a tragedy?\" \"Well,\" Lil' Johnny said, \"because, like you just told us, it wouldn't be an accident, and it sure as heck wouldn't be a great loss.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "School", + "output": "When I first started college, the Dean came in and said \"Good Morning\" to all of us. When we echoed back to him, he responded \"Ah, you're Freshmen.\" He explained, \"When you walk in and say good morning, and they say good morning back, it's Freshmen. When they put their newspapers down and open their books, it's Sophomores. When they look up so they can seethe instructor over the tops of the newspapers, it's juniors. When they put their feet up on the desks and keep reading, it's seniors.\" When you walk in and say good morning, and they write it down, it's graduate students.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "School", + "output": "Hello! You have reached the automated answering service of your school. In order to assist you in connecting the right staff member, please listen to all your options before making a selection:" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "School", + "output": "A first grade teacher was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, \"Johnny what is your problem?\" Johnny answered, \"I'm too smart for the first grade. My sister is in the third grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the third grade too!\" The teacher had had enough. She took Johnny to the principal's office. While Johnny waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told the teacher he would give the boy a test and if he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the first grade and behave. The teacher agreed. Johnny was brought in and the conditions are explained to him and he agrees to take the test. Principal: \"What is 3 x 3?\" Johnny: \"9\". Principal: \"What is 6 x 6?\" Johnny: \"36\". And so it went with every question the principal thought a third grader should know. The principal looks at the teacher and tells her, \"I think Johnny can go to the third grade.\" The teacher says to the principal, \"Let me ask him some questions?\" The principal and Johnny both agree. The teacher asks, \"What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?\" Johnny, after a moment, \"Legs.\" Teacher: \"What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?\" The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer, Johnny replied, \"Pockets.\" Teacher: \"What does a dog do that a man steps into?\" Johnny: \"Pants\" Teacher: \"What starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of excitement?\" Johnny: \"Fire truck.\" The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, \"Put Johnny in the fifth grade, I missed the last four questions myself.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Military", + "output": "There is a lot of talk about the United Nations creating a combined strike force with troops from several nations included in it. Could it work? Let's take a look at one operation. A combined force beach landing on a tropical island. When the troops hit the beach..." + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Military", + "output": "Three generals, one from the Army, one from the Air Force, and the third from the Marine Corps, were having a debate about whose soldiers were the bravest. To prove his point, the Air Force general calls over an airman: \"Airman! Climb that flagpole, and once you are at the top, sing 'Wild Blue Yonder', and then jump off!\" \"YES SIR!\" replies the airman. He takes off for the flagpole like a shot, scales up it, sings the anthem, salutes and jumps off, hitting the ground at attention. The general dismisses him. \"Now that's bravery!\" exclaims the general. \"Bravery, nothing,\" snorts the Army general. \"Get over here, private!\" \"YES SIR!!\" replies the private. \"Put on full combat gear, load your rucksack with these rocks, scale that flagpole, come to attention, present arms, and sing the National Anthem, salute each of us, and then climb back down, head first.\" \"YES SIR!!\" replies the private, and completes the task. \"Now that is a brave man! Beat that!!\" They look to the Marine. \"Private,\" the Marine Corps General commands. \"YES SIR!!\" \"Put on full combat gear. Put these two dogs in your pack. Using only one hand, climb that flagpole. At the top, sing 'The Halls of Montezuma', put your knife in your teeth, and dive off, headfirst.\" The private snaps to attention, looks at the general and says, \"TO HELL WITH YOU SIR!!\" The general turns to the others and says, \"Now THAT'S bravery!\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Military", + "output": "The Pentagon recently found it had too many generals and offered an early retirement bonus. They promised any general who retired right away, his full annual benefits plus $10,000 for every inch measured in a straight line along the retiring general's body between any two points he chose. The first general accepted. He asked the pension man to measure from the top of his head to the tip of his toes. Six feet. He walked out with a check for $720,000. The second general asked them to measure from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. 8 feet. He walked away with a check $960,000. Meantime, the first general had tipped off the third as to the additional bonus check. When the third general was asked where to measure, he told the pension man, \"from the tip of my penis, to the bottom of my testicles.\" The pension man said that would be fine, but he'd better get the Medical Officer to do the measuring. The Medical Officer attended and asked the general to drop his pants...he did.... The Medical Officer placed the tape on the tip of the general's penis and began to work back. \"My God!\" he said, \"where are your testicles?!\" The general replied, \"Back in Nam!\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Military", + "output": "The young Ensign approached the crusty old Chief and asked him about the origin of the commissioned office insignias. \"Well, Ensign, it's history and tradition. First, we give you a gold bar representing that you're valuable BUT malleable. The silver bar of a Lieutenant Junior Grade represents value, but less malleable. When you make Lieutenant, you're twice as valuable so we give you two silver bars. \"As a Captain, you soar over military masses, hence the eagle. As an Admiral, you're obviously a star. That answer your question?\" \"Yeah, but what about Commanders and Lieutenant Commanders?\" \"Now that goes waaaaaay back in history. Back to the Garden of Eden even. You see, we've always covered our pricks with leaves... \"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Business", + "output": "Have you ever worked in an office where someone insisted upon listening to their voice mail using the speaker phone (at full volume, naturally)? It can really begin to bother you after a while. I found a fairly easy fix for that, though. I have my wife call his desk when he's not there and leave a message like \"Hi, this is Candy from 1-900-HOT-BABE. You haven't paid for the 'toys' we sent you, you naughty boy. You wouldn't want me to come over there and spank you, would you?\" It is the last time you hear that particular speaker phone, I can assure you." + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Business", + "output": "Effective immediately, the company is adopting Fridays as Casual Day so that employees may express their diversity. Spandex and leather micro-miniskirts are not appropriate attire for Casual Day. Neither are string ties, rodeo belt buckles or moccasins. Casual Day refers to dress only, not attitude. When planning Friday's wardrobe, remember image is a key to our success. A seminar on how to dress for Casual Day will be held at 4 p.m. Friday in the cafeteria. Fashion show to follow. Attendance is mandatory. As an outgrowth of Friday's seminar, the Committee On Committee's has appointed a 14-member Casual Day Task Force to prepare guidelines for proper dress. The Casual Day Task Force has completed a 30-page manual. A copy of \"Relaxing Dress Without Relaxing Company Standards\" has been mailed to each employee. Please review the chapter \"You Are What You Wear\" and consult the \"home casual\" versus \"business casual\" checklist before leaving for work each Friday. If you have doubts about the appropriateness of an item of clothing, contact your CDTF representative before 7 a.m. on Friday. Because of lack of participation, Casual Day has been discontinued, effective immediately." + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Business", + "output": "A local business was looking for office help. They put a sign in the window, stating the following: \"HELP WANTED. Must be able to type, must be good with a computer and must be bilingual. We are an Equal Opportunity Employer.\" A short time afterwards, a dog trotted up to the window, saw the sign and went inside. He looked at the receptionist and wagged his tail, then walked over to the sign, looked at it and whined. Getting the idea, the receptionist got the office manager. The office manager looked at the dog and was surprised, to say the least. However, the dog looked determined, so he lead him into the office. Inside, the dog jumped up on the chair and stared at the manager. The manager said, \"I can't hire you. The sign says you have to be able to type.\" The dog jumped down, went to the typewriter and proceeded to type out a perfect letter. He took out the page, trotted over to the manager, gave it to him, then jumped back on the chair. The manager was stunned, but then told the dog, \"The sign says you have to be good with a computer.\" The dog jumped down again and went to the computer. The dog proceeded to enter and execute a perfect program, that worked flawlessly the first time it ran. By now, the manager was totally dumb-founded! He looked at the dog and said, \"I realize that you are a very intelligent dog and have some interesting abilities. However, I *still* can't give you the job.\" The dog jumped down and went to a copy of the sign and put his paw on the sentence that told about being an Equal Opportunity Employer. The manager said, \"Yes, but the sign *also* says that you have to be bilingual\". The dog looked at the manager calmly and said \"Meow.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Business", + "output": "AMES, IA--The heaviest element known to science was recently discovered by materials researchers at IPRT/ISU. The new element, tentatively named Administratium, has no protons or electrons, and thus has an atomic weight of 0. However, it does have one neuron, 125 assistant neutrons, 75 vice neutrons, and 111 assistant vice neutrons. This gives it an atomic mass of 312. These 312 particles are held together in a nucleus by a force that involves the continuous exchange of particles called morons. Since it has no electrons, Administratium is totally inert. However, it can be detected chemically, since it impedes every reaction it comes into contact with. According to its discovers, a tiny amount of Administratium caused one reaction to take over four days to complete; the normal reaction time is less than one second. Administratium has a normal half life of approximately three years, at which time it does not actually decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization in which neutrons, vice neutrons, and assistant vice neutrons exchange places. Studies have shown that the atomic mass usually increases after each reorganization. Research at other laboratories indicates that Administratium occurs naturally in the atmosphere. It tends to concentrate at certain points, such as governmental agencies, large corporations, and universities. It is always found in the newest, best appointed, and best maintained buildings. Scientists point out that Administratium is known to be toxic at any level of concentration and can easily destroy any productive reactions where it is allowed to accumulate. Attempts are being made to determine how Administratium can be controlled to prevent irreversible damage, but results to date are not promising." + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Business", + "output": "It has come to our attention recently that many of you have been turning in timesheets that specify large amounts of \"Miscellaneous Unproductive Time\" (Code 5309). However, we need to know exactly what you are doing during your unproductive time." + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Business", + "output": "The tribal wisdom of the Dakota Indians, passed on from one generation to the next, says that when you discover you are riding a dead horse, the best strategy is to dismount. However, in modern business and government, because of the heavy investment factors to be taken into consideration, often other strategies have to be tried with dead horses, including the following:" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Business", + "output": "Are you overworked, under paid, over-regulated, under-leisured, and underbenefited? Take heart! Not only could it be worse, it has been. This notice was found in the ruins of a London office building. It was dated 1852:" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Business", + "output": "FROM: OPERATIONS SUBJECT: Restroom Use Policy In the past, employees were permitted to make trips to the restroom under informal guidelines. Effective immediately, a Restroom Trip Policy will be established to provide a more consistent method of accounting for each employee's restroom time and ensuring equal treatment of all employees. Under the policy a \"Restroom Trip Bank\" will be established for each employee. The first day of each month, employees will be given twenty Restroom Trip Credits. These credits may be accumulated. Within four to six weeks, the entrance doors to all restrooms are being equipped with personal identification stations and computer-linked voice print recognition devices. Before the end of the month each employee must provide two copies of voice prints (one normal and one under stress) to the Human Resources Department. The voice print recognition station will be operational but not restrictive during the entire month. Employees should acquaint themselves with the stations during that period. If the employee's Restroom Trip Bank balance reaches zero, the doors to the restrooms will not unlock for that employee's voice until the first of the next month. In addition, all restroom stalls are being equipped with timed paper roll retractors. If the stall is occupied for more than three minutes, an alarm will sound. Thirty-seconds after the alarm sounds, the roll of paper will retract into the wall, the toilet will flush, and the stall door will open. If the stall remains occupied, your picture will be taken. The picture will then be posted on the bulletin board located in the Employee Relations Office. Anyone's picture showing up three times will immediately be terminated. If you have any questions about this policy, please ask your supervisor. They have all received advanced instructions." + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Business", + "output": "To: All Employees Subject: Special High Intensity Training In order to assure that we continue to produce the highest quality work possible, it will be our policy to keep all employees well-trained through our program of Special High Intensity Training (S.H.I.T.). We are giving our employees more S.H.I.T. than any other company in the country. If you feel you do not receive your share of S.H.I.T. on the job, please see your supervisor. You will be placed on top of his S.H.I.T. list for special attention. All of our supervisors are particularly qualified to see that you get all the S.H.I.T. you can handle at your own speed. If you consider yourself to be trained enough already, you may be interested in helping us train others. We can add you to our Basic Understanding Lecture List, Special High Intensity Training (B.U.L.L.S.H.I.T.). If you have any further questions, please address them to our Head of Training, Special High Intensity Training (H.O.T.S.H.I.T.). Thank you, Boss in General Special High Intensity Training (B.I.G.S.H.I.T.) PS. With the personality some of you display around here, you could easily become the Director of Intensity Programming, Special High Intensity Training." + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Business", + "output": "Vice Presidents and personnel directors of the one hundred largest corporations were asked to describe their most unusual experience interviewing prospective employees." + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Business", + "output": "A business man was interviewing applicants for the position of divisional manager. He devised a simple test to select the most suitable person for the job. He asked each applicant the question, \"What is two and two?\" The first interviewee was a journalist. His answer was \"Twenty-two.\" The second applicant was an engineer. He pulled out a slide rule and showed the answer to be between 3.999 and 4.001. The next person was a lawyer. He stated that in the case of Jenkins v Commr of Stamp Duties, two and two was proven to be four. The last applicant was an accountant. The business man asked him, \"How much is two and two?\" The accountant got up from his chair, went over to the door and closed it then came back and sat down. He leaned across the desk and said in a low voice....\"How much do you want it to be?\" He got the job." + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Bar Jokes", + "output": "After the Great Britain Beer Festival, in London, all the brewery presidents decided to go out for a beer. The guy from Corona sits down and says, \"Hey Señor, I would like the world's best beer, a Corona.\" The bartender dusts off a bottle from the shelf and gives it to him. The guy from Budweiser says, \"I'd like the best beer in the world, give me 'The King Of Beers', a Budweiser.\" The bartender gives him one. The guy from Coors says, \"I'd like the only beer made with Rocky Mountain spring water, give me a Coors.\" He gets it. The guy from Guinness sits down and says, \"Give me a Coke.\" The bartender is a little taken aback, but gives him what he ordered. The other brewery presidents look over at him and ask, \"Why aren't you drinking a Guinness?\" The Guinness president replies, \"Well, I figured if you guys aren't drinking beer, neither would I.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Bar Jokes", + "output": "An Irishman, an Italian, and a Polish guy are in a bar. They are having a good time and all agree that the bar is a nice place. Then the Irishman says, \"Aye, this is a nice bar, but where I come from, back in Dublin, there's a better one. At MacDougal's, you buy a drink, you buy another drink, and MacDougal himself will buy your third drink!\" The others agree that sounds like a nice place. Then the Italian says, \"Yeah, that's a nice bar, but where I come from, there's a better one. Over in Brooklyn, there's this place, Vinny's. At Vinny's, you buy a drink, Vinny buys you a drink. You buy anudda drink, Vinny buys you anudda drink.\" Everyone agrees that sounds like a great bar. Then the Polish guy says, \"You think that's great? Where I come from, there's this place, Warshowski's. At Warshowski's, they buy you your first drink, they buy you your second drink, they buy you your third drink, and then, they take you in the back and get you laid!\" \"Wow!\" said the other two. \"That's fantastic! Did that actually happen to you?\" \"No,\" he replied, \"but it happened to my sister!\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Bar Jokes", + "output": "My uncle had a beer gut that weighed two hundred pounds He used a wheelbarrow to haul it into town They treat him like a king when he walks into Woody's bar His beer gut pays for lights and heat and Woody's brand new car. Nudsie got a beer gut that gets bigger every year Since Nudsie gave up lifting weights and started hoisting beer He was lying on the beach one day, the bbq kept getting hotter Some save the whale freaks came and dragged him back into the water. Beer guts of America stand up if you can Stick out your big beer gut and hoist a cool one in your hand Your beer gut is your buddy, it's a friend who's always near And all you ever have to do is feed it lots of beer Mungo drank a pony keg at Droopy Aho's wedding His eyes went rolling round and round and then he started sweating He tripped on Duck and Fuzz 'cause they were passed out on the floor He landed on his beer gut and he bounced right out the door I took my date into the sauna and on the bench we sat She pointed and she said \"I've never seen one big as that.\" She held it and she stroked it and she told me with a smile, \"Body builders make me sick, but beer guts drive me wild.\" Beer guts of America stand up if you can Stick out your big beer gut and hoist a cool one in your hand Your beer gut is your buddy, it's a friend who's always near And all you ever have to do is feed it lots of beer." + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Bar Jokes", + "output": "I watched an ant climb a blade of grass this morning. When he reached the top, his weight bent the blade down to the ground. Then, twisting his thorax with insectile precision, he grabbed hold of the next blade. In this manner, He traveled across the lawn, covering as much distance vertically as he did horizontally, which amused and delighted me. And then, all at once, I had what is sometimes called an \"epiphany\", a moment of heightened awareness in which everything becomes clear. Yes, hunched over that ant on my hands and knees, I suddenly knew what I had to do... Quit drinking before noon." + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Police Jokes", + "output": "Her car was speeding along Interstate 80 at well over 80 miles an hour when it passed by a State Trooper's position... Obviously, the officer was compelled to pull the young female driver over and he asked to see her license. After looking it over, he said to her, \"It stipulates here on your license that you should be wearing glasses.\" \"Well, I have contacts,\" the woman replied. \"Look lady, I don't care who you know,\" snapped the officer. \"You're getting a ticket.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Police Jokes", + "output": "A man has too much to drink at a party. His friends offer to drive him home, but the says no--he only lives a mile away. About five blocks from the party, the police pull him over for weaving and ask him to get out of the car and walk the line. Just as he starts, the police radio blares out a call for a robbery taking place in a house just a block away. The police tell him to stay put; they will be right back - and they run down the street to the robbery. After a few minutes, the man decides to drive home. When he gets there, he tells his wife he is going to bed, and to tell anyone who might come looking for him that he has the flu and has been in bed all day. A few hours later, the police knock on the door. They ask if a Mr. X lives there, and his wife says yes. They ask to see him and she replies that he is in bed with the flu and has been so all day. The police ask to see his car and she asks why. They insist on seeing his car, so she takes them to the garage and opens the door--where they find the police car, lights still flashing." + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Police Jokes", + "output": "The inmate on death row was scheduled to be put to death by firing squad the follow morning. Throughout the day, the prison guards were being very nice to him. But when they asked him if he wanted something specific for his last meal, he didn't want anything special. When they asked if there was something special he wanted to do, he said nothing. It went on like this all day. Finally when he was put before the firing squad, the guard asked if he wanted a cigarette and a blindfold. \"No,\" the inmate said, \"just get it over with.\" \"Well, is there anything that I can do for you before you go?\" said the guard. \"You didn't even want a special last meal!\" The inmate thought. \"Actually,\" he said, \"Music is my life. One thing I would really like would be to sing my favorite song, one whole time through, with no interruptions.\" The guard nodded and told him to go ahead. The inmate started, \"One billion bottles of beer on the wall...\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Police Jokes", + "output": "A US Border Patrol Agent catches an illegal alien in the bushes right by the border fence, he pulls him out and says, \"Sorry, you know the law, you've got to go back across the border right now.\" The Mexican man pleads with them, \"No, noooo Señor, I must stay in de USA! Pleeeze!\" The Border Patrol Agent thinks to himself--I'm going to make it hard for him--and says, \"Ok, I'll let you stay if you can use three English words in a sentence.\" The Mexican man of course agrees. The Border Patrol Agent tells him, \"The three words are: Green, Pink and Yellow. Now use them in one sentence.\" The Mexican man thinks really hard for about two minutes, then says, \"Hmmm, Ok. The phone, it went Green, Green, Green--I Pink it up, and sez Yellow?\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Police Jokes", + "output": "Returning from a trip to visit my grandmother in Canada, I was stopped by a state trooper in New York for exceeding the speed limit. Grateful to have received a warning instead of a ticket, I gave him a small bag of my grandmother's delicious chocolate chip cookies and proceeded on my way. Later, I was stopped by another trooper. \"What have I done?\" I asked. \"Nothing,\" the trooper said, smiling. \"I heard you were passing out great chocolate chip cookies.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Police Jokes", + "output": "A police officer pulls over this guy who had been weaving in and out of the lanes. He goes up to the guy's window and says, \"Sir, I need you to blow into this breathalyzer tube.\" The man says, \"Sorry officer I can't do that. I am an asthmatic. If I do that I'll have a really bad asthma attack.\" \"Okay, fine. I need you to come down to the station to give a blood sample.\" \"I can't do that either. I am a hemophiliac. If I do that, I'll bleed to death.\" \"Well, then we need a urine sample.\" \"I'm sorry officer I can't do that either. I am also a diabetic. If I do that I'll get really low blood sugar.\" \"Alright, then I need you to come out here and walk this white line.\" \"I can't do that, officer.\" \"Why not?\" \"Because I'm drunk.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Police Jokes", + "output": "A police officer pulls a guy over for speeding and has the following exchange: Officer: \"May I see your driver's license?\" Driver: \"I don't have one. I had it suspended when I got my 5th DUI.\" Officer: \"May I see the registration for this vehicle?\" Driver: \"It's not my car. I stole it.\" Officer: \"The car is stolen?\" Driver: \"That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the registration in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there.\" Officer: \"There's a gun in the glove box?\" Driver: \"Yes sir. That's where I put it after I shot and killed the woman who owns this car and stuffed her in the trunk.\" Officer: \"There's a BODY in the TRUNK?!?!?\" Driver: \"Yes, sir.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Police Jokes", + "output": "According to the FBI, most modern-day bank robberies are \"unsophisticated and unprofessional crimes,\" committed by young male repeat offenders who apparently don't know the first thing about their business. This information was included in an interesting, amusing article titled \"How Not to Rob a Bank,\" by Tim Clark, which appeared in the 1987 edition of The Old Farmers Almanac. Clark reported that in spite of the widespread use of surveillance cameras, 76 percent of bank robbers use no disguise, 86 percent never study the bank before robbing it, and 95 percent make no long-range plans for concealing the loot. Thus, he offered this advice to would-be bank robbers, along with examples of what can happen if the rules aren't followed:" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Police Jokes", + "output": "A dyslexic cop is severely reprimanded by his captain because the spelling on his police reports is incomprehensible. \"How can you expect anyone to read this! If you file just one more report with any and I mean *ANY* words misspelled, you are going on report!\" screams the captain." + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Police Jokes", + "output": "A fellow tries to cross the Mexican border on a bicycle with two big bags balanced on his shoulders. The guard asks, \"What's in the bags?\" The fellow says, \"SAND!\" The guard wants to examine them. The fellow gets off the bike, places the bags on the ground, opens them up, and the guard inspects... only to find sand. The fellow packs the sand, places the bags on his shoulders, and pedals the bike across the border. Two weeks later, the same situation is repeated... \"What have you got there?\" \"Sand.\" \"Let me see it.\" Same results... Nothing but sand and the fellow is on his way again. Every two weeks for six months the inspections continue. Finally, one week the fellow didn't show up. However, the guard sees him downtown and says to the fellow, \"Buddy, you had us crazy. We sort of knew you were smuggling something. I won't say anything... What were you smuggling?\" The fellow replies, \"Bicycles.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Police Jokes", + "output": "An old farmer was hauling a load of manure when he was stopped by a state trooper. \"You were speeding,\" the cop said. \"I'm going to have to give you a ticket.\" \"Yep,\" the farmer said as he watched the trooper shoo away several flies. \"These flies sure are terrible,\" the trooper complained. \"Yep,\" the farmer said. \"Them are circle flies.\" \"What's a circle fly?\" \"Them flies that circle a horse's tail,\" answered the farmer. \"Them are circle flies.\" \"You wouldn't be calling me a horse's rear, would you?\" the trooper angrily asked. \"Nope, I didn't,\" the farmer replied. \"But you just can't fool them flies.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Religious", + "output": "The temporary Sunday School teacher was struggling to open a combination lock on the supply cabinet. She had been told the combination, but couldn't quite remember it. Finally she went to the pastor's study and asked for help. The pastor came into the room and began to turn the dial. After the first two numbers he paused and stared blankly for a moment. Finally he look serenely heavenward and his lips moved silently. Then he looked back at the lock, quickly turned to the final number, and opened the lock. The teacher was amazed. \"I'm in awe at your faith, pastor,\" she said. \"It's really nothing,\" he answered. \"The number is on a piece of tape on the ceiling.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Religious", + "output": "Three Pastors in the south were having lunch in a diner. One said \"You know, since summer started I've been having trouble with bats in my loft and attic at church. I've tried everything--noise, spray, cats--nothing seems to scare them away.\" Another said \"Yeah, me too. I've got hundreds living in my belfry. I've even had the place fumigated, and they won't go away.\" The third said, \"I baptized all mine, and made them members of the church... Haven't seen one back since!!!\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Religious", + "output": "Brother John entered the 'Monastery of Silence' and the Abbott said, \"Brother, this is a silent monastery, you are welcome here as long as you like, but you may not speak until I direct you to do so.\" Brother John lived in the monastery for a full year before the Abbott said to him: \"Brother John, you have been here a year now, you may speak two words.\" Brother John said, \"Hard Bed.\" \"I'm sorry to hear that,\" the Abbott said. \"We will get you a better bed.\" The next year, Brother John was called by the Abbott. \"You may say another two words Brother John.\" \"Cold Food.\" said Brother John, and the Abbott assured him that the food would be better in the future. On his third anniversary at the monastery, the Abbott again called Brother John into his office. \"Two words you may say today.\" \"I quit.\" said Brother John. \"It is probably best.\" said the Abbott. \"All you have done since you got here is complain.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Religious", + "output": "A farmer named Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with a pet dog he doted on. The dog finally died and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked, \"Father, the dog is dead. Could you be saying a mass for the creature?\" Father Patrick replied, \"No, we cannot have services for an animal in the church, but there's a new denomination down the road, no telling what they believe, but maybe they'll do something for the animal.\" Muldoon said \"I'll go right now. Do you think $50,000 is enough to donate for the service?\" Father Patrick asked, \"Why didn't you tell me the dog was Catholic?\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Religious", + "output": "Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven. When they get there, St. Peter says, \"We only have one rule here in heaven ... don't step on the ducks.\" So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one. Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw. St. Peter chains them together and says, \"Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!\" The next day, the second woman accidentally steps on a duck, and along come St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing, and with him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together with the same punishment as the first woman. The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps. She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St. Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on ... very tall, tan, muscular, and with good hair. St. Peter chains them together without saying a word. The woman remarks, \"I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?\" And the guy says, \"Well, I don't know what you did, but I stepped on a duck.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Religious", + "output": "A kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they drew. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's artwork. As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was. The girl replied, \"I'm drawing God.\" The teacher paused and said, \"but no one knows what God looks like.\" Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing the girl replied, \"They will in a minute.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Religious", + "output": "On their way to a justice of the peace to get married, a couple has a fatal car accident. The couple is sitting outside heavens gate waiting on St. Peter to do an intake. While waiting they wonder if they could possibly get married in Heaven. St. Peter finally shows up and they ask him. St. Peter says, \"I don't know, this is the first time anyone ever asked. Let me go find out,\" and he leaves. The couple sits for a couple of months and begin to wonder if they really should get married in Heaven, what with the eternal aspect of it all. \"What if it doesn't work out?\", they wonder, \"Are we stuck together forever?\" St. Peter returns after yet another month, looking somewhat bedraggled. \"Yes,\" he informs the couple, \"You can get married in Heaven.\" \"Great,\" says the couple, \"but what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?\" St. Peter, red-faced, slams his clipboard onto the ground. \"What's wrong?\" exclaims the frightened couple. \"Jeez!\" St. Peter exclaims, \"It took me three months to find a priest up here! Do you have any idea how long it's going to take for me to find a lawyer!?\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Religious", + "output": "A little girl was in church with her mother when she started feeling ill. \"Mommy,\" she said, \"can we leave now?\" \"No,\" her mother replied. \"Well, I think I'm gonna be sick, Momma!\" \"Then go out the front door and around to the back of the church and then behind a bush.\" After about 60 seconds the little girl returned to her seat. \"Were you sick?\" her mom asked. \"Yes.\" \"How could you have gone all the way to the back of the church and returned so quickly?\" \"I didn't have to go out of the church, Mommy. They have a box next to the front door that says, 'For the Sick.'\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Religious", + "output": "In the Beginning God created heaven and the earth. Quickly he was faced with a class action suit for failure to file an environmental impact statement. He was granted a temporary permit for the project, but was stymied with the cease and desist order for the earthly part. Appearing at the hearing, God was asked why he began his earthly project in the first place. He replied that he just liked to be creative. Then God said, \"Let there be light\", and immediately the officials demanded to know how the light would be made. Would there be strip mining? What about thermal pollution? God explained that the light would come from a huge ball of fire. God was granted provisional permission to make light, assuming that no smoke would result from the ball of fire: that he would obtain a building permit; and to conserve energy, would have the light out half the time. God agreed and said he would call the light \"Day\" and the darkness \"Night\". Officials replied that they were not interested in semantics. God said, \"Let the earth bring forth green herb and such as many seed\". The EPA agreed so long as native seed was used. Then God said, \"Let waters bring forth creeping creatures having life; and the fowl that may fly over the earth\". Officials pointed out this would require approval from the Department of Game coordinated with the Heavenly Wildlife Federation and the Audubongelic Society. Everything was fine until God said he wanted to complete the project in Six days. Officials said it would take at least 200 days to review the application and impact statement. After that there would be a public hearing. Then there would be 10-12 months before... At this point God created Hell." + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Religious", + "output": "The minister, all fired up because of recent obvious problems of infidelity, shouted out, \"I want everyone who has been he-ing and she-ing to stand up!\" Half of his congregation stood up. He then shouted out, \"I want everyone who has been he-ing and he-ing to stand up!\" A couple of men stood up. He then shouted out, \"I want everyone who has been she-ing and she-ing to stand up!\" Several women stood up. The minister looked over his congregation and noticed that everyone was standing except Little Johnnie. The minister shouted out, \"Brothers and Sisters, look at Little Johnny, can he be the only one without sin? \"Little Johnny, stand up. I guess you are the only one here who isn't preoccupied with sex and committing sins. What do you have to say!\" Little Johnny replied, \"Reverend, you ain't said nothing about me-ing and me-ing!\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Religious", + "output": "Jesus and Satan were having an ongoing argument about who was better on his computer. They had been going at it for days, and God was tired of hearing all of the bickering. Finally God said, \"Cool it. I am going to set up a test that will run two hours and I will judge who does the better job\". So down Satan and Jesus sat at the keyboards and typed away. They moused. They did spreadsheets. They wrote reports. They sent faxes. They sent e-mail. They sent out e-mail with attachments. They downloaded. They did some genealogy reports. They made cards. They did every known job. But ten minutes before their time was up, lightning suddenly flashed across the sky, thunder rolled, the rain poured and, of course, the electricity went off. Satan stared at his blank screen and screamed every curse word known in the underworld. Jesus just sighed. The electricity finally flickered back on, and each of them restarted his computer. Satan started searching frantically, screaming \"It's gone! It's all gone! I lost everything when the power went out!\" Meanwhile, Jesus quietly started printing out all of his files from the past two hours. Satan observed this and became irate. \"Wait! He cheated, how did he do it?\" God shrugged and said, \"Jesus saves\"." + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Religious", + "output": "A Jewish father was concerned about his son who was about a year away from his Bar Mitzvah, but was sorely lacking in his knowledge of the Jewish faith. To remedy this, he sent his son to Israel to experience his heritage. A year later the young man returned home \"Father, thank you for sending me to the land of our fathers,\" the son said. \"It was wonderful and enlightening; however, I must confess that while in Israel I converted to Christianity.\" \"Oi vey,\" replied the father, \"what have I done?\" So, in the tradition of the patriarchs, he went to his best friend and sought his advice and solace. \"It is amazing that you should come to me,\" stated his friend. \"I, too, sent my son to Israel and he returned a Christian.\" So in the tradition of the patriarchs, they went to the Rabbi. \"It is amazing that you should come to me,\" stated the Rabbi. \"I, too, sent my son to Israel and he returned a Christian. What is happening to our sons? Brothers, we must take this to the Lord,\" said the Rabbi. They fell to their knees and began to wail and pour our their hearts to the Almighty. As they prayed, the clouds above opened and a mighty voice said, \"Amazing that you should come to me. I, too, sent my Son to Israel....\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Religious", + "output": "A local priest and pastor stood by the side of the road holding up a sign that said, \"The End is Near! Turn yourself around now before it's too late!\" They planned to hold up the sign to each passing car. \"Leave us alone you religious nuts!\" yelled the first driver as he sped by. From around the curve they heard a big splash. \"Do you think,\" said one clergy to the other, \"we should just put up a sign that says 'bridge out' instead?\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Religious", + "output": "It has come to our attention that the pastor you received was shipped with a slight defect: he/she is not psychic. This defect necessitates certain special procedures to ensure optimum performance of your unit." + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Religious", + "output": "Two priests died at the same time and met Saint Peter at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter said, \"I'd like to get you guys in now, but our computer is down. You'll have to go back to Earth for about a week, but you can't go back as priests. So what else would you like to be?\" The first priest says, \"I've always wanted to be an eagle, soaring above the Rocky Mountains.\" \"So be it,\" says St. Peter, and off flies the first priest. The second priest mulls this over for a moment and asks, \"Will any of this week 'count', St. Peter?\" \"No, I told you the computer's down. There's no way we can keep track of what you're doing.\" \"In that case,\" says the second priest, \"I've always wanted to be a stud.\" \"So be it,\" says St. Peter, and the second priest disappears. A week goes by, the computer is fixed, and the Lord tells St. Peter to recall the two priests. \"Will you have any trouble locating them?\" He asks. \"The first one should be easy,\" says St. Peter. \"He's somewhere over the Rockies, flying with the eagles. But the second one could prove to be more difficult.\" \"Why?\" asketh the Lord. \"He's on a snow tire, somewhere in North Dakota.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Religious", + "output": "In our search for a suitable pastor, the following scratch sheet was developed for your perusal. Of the candidates investigated by the committee, only one was found to have the necessary qualities. The list contains the names of the candidates and comments on each, should you be interested in investigating them further for future pastoral placements. The Pastoral Search Committee." + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Religious", + "output": "God made, Adam bit, Noah arked, Abraham split, Jacob fooled, Joseph ruled, Bush talked, Moses balked, Pharaoh plagued, People walked, Sea divided, Tablets guided, Promises landed, Saul freaked, David peeked, Prophets warned, Jesus born, God walked, Love talked, Anger crucified, Hope died, Love rose, Spirit flamed, Word spread, God remained. Amen." + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Religious", + "output": "The other day I went to the local religious book store where I saw a \"Honk if you Love Jesus\" bumper sticker. I bought it and put in on the back bumper of my car, and I'm really glad I did. What an uplifting experience followed. I was stopped at the light of a busy intersection. Just lost in thought about the Lord and didn't notice that the light had changed. That bumper sticker really worked. I found lots of people who love Jesus. Why, the guy behind me started to honk like crazy, he must really love the Lord. Because pretty soon he leaned out the window and yelled \"Jesus Christ\" as loud as he could. It was like a football game with him shouting, \"Go Jesus Christ, Go\". Everyone else started honking too. So I leaned out my window and waved and smiled to all those loving people. There must have been a guy from Florida back there because I could hear him yelling something about a Sunny Beach, and I saw him waving in a funny way with only his middle finger up in the air. I had recently asked my two kids what that meant. They told me that it was the Hawaiian Good Luck Sign. So I leaned out the window and gave him the Good Luck Sign back. A couple of people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and were walking toward me. I bet they wanted to pray. But just then I noticed that the light had changed, and I stepped on the gas. It's a good thing I did, because I was the only car to get across the intersection. I looked back at them standing there. I leaned out the window and gave them a Big Smile and held up the Hawaiian Good Luck Sign as I drove away." + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Religious", + "output": "A Jew, a Greek, and an Italian man all die in a plane crash. They are standing before the Lord, and the Lord tells them, \"I am going to give you one more chance. I'll send you back to earth on one condition: that you give up your bad habits.\" They all say, \"We will, we will. Please let us live again!\" The Italian man agrees to give up eating compulsively. The Jewish man promises to give up thinking of money all the time. And the Greek man vows not to constantly think about sex. Suddenly they find themselves back on earth, walking down the street. Before they even get a chance to say anything to each other about what has just happened, the Italian man sees a restaurant and begins to salivate. He starts running toward the restaurant when POOF! He disappears in a cloud of smoke. Just then, the Jewish man sees a dime on the street a couple of feet away. He steps forward, bends over to pick it up, and POOF! Both he and the Greek disappear." + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Religious", + "output": "At an interfaith retreat some time ago, the organizers decided to allow for a free afternoon of just socializing. A priest, minister, and a rabbi went fishing together. After a while, the priest said, \"Brother, Rabbi, would you please both excuse me, I've got to pee.\" He laid down his fishing pole, stepped over the side of the boat, and *walked across the water to the shore.* He finished his business, then *walked back across the water* to the boat. The minister said, \"Father, I didn't want to be the first to have to go,\" stood up, stepped over the side of the boat, and walked right on top of the water to the shore. He also finished his business, zipped up, and walked back on the water right back to the boat. The rabbi was awestruck. Imagine -- WALKING on water! He thought to himself, \"well, if they can do this, so can I!\" He excused himself to the priest and minister, put his pole down, stepped over the side of the boat ... and sunk like a rock. The priest turned to the minister and said, \"You think we should have told him where the rocks were?\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Religious", + "output": "We have all learned to live with voice mail as a necessary part of modern life. But you may have wondered: what if God decided to install voice mail? Imagine praying and hearing this..." + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Miscellaneous", + "output": "To find out your car's astrological sign - look for a sticker on the inside of the driver's side door that gives you the exact month and year the car was manufactured. Car horoscopes are based month to month because they are created and assembled over a period of weeks and not just on one day." + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Miscellaneous", + "output": "Driver's swear ..... are you listenin', At the Mall .....folks are bitchin', A miserable sight ..... they're sorry tonite, Drivin' in New Jersey's TrafficLand! Gone away ...... are your tires, meter has ...... just expired, They towed you away, while you shopped today, Parkin' in New Jersey's TrafficLand! On the Parkway we will have a breakdown, We'll be stuck and threathened on the side, If we're lucky, muggers might come mug us, And if we plead they may give us a ride! Santa's sleigh ..... was impounded, All the Elves ...... were surrounded, He's now in a cell .... for ringin' his bell, Living in New Jersey's TrafficLand!" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Miscellaneous", + "output": "Ole and Lena were sitting down to their usual cup of morning coffee listening to the weather report coming over the radio. \"There will be 3 to 5 inches of snow today and a snow emergency has been declared. You must park your cars on the odd numbered side of the streets.\" Ole got up from his coffee and replies \"Well, okay.\" Two days later, again they both are sitting down with their cups of morning coffee and the weather forecast is, \"There will be 2 to 4 inches of snow today and a snow emergency has been declared. You must park your cars on the even numbered side of the streets.\" Ole got up from his coffee and replies, \"Well, okay.\" Three days later, again they both are sitting down with their cups of coffee and the weather forecast is, \"There will be 6 to 8 inches of snow today and a snow emergency has been declared. You must park your cars on the...\" and then the power went out and Ole didn't get the rest of the instructions. He says to Lena, \"What am I going to do now, Lena?\" Lena replies, \"Aw, Ole, yust leave the car in the garage.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Miscellaneous", + "output": "A duel was fought between Alexander Shott and John Nott in June 1849. Nott was shot and Shott was not. In this case it is better to be Shott than Nott. Some said that Nott was not shot. But Shott says that he shot Nott. It may be that the shot Shott shot, shot Nott, or it may be possible that the shot Shott shot, shot Shott himself. We think, however, that the shot Shott shot, shot not Shott, but Nott. Anyway it is hard to tell which was shot and which was not." + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Miscellaneous", + "output": "A couple from Minneapolis decided to go to Florida for a long weekend to thaw out during one particularly icy winter. Because both had jobs, they had difficulty coordinating their travel schedules. It was decided that the husband would fly to Florida on a Thursday, and his wife would follow him the next day. Upon arriving as planned, the husband checked into the hotel. There he decided to open his laptop and send his wife an e-mail back in Minneapolis. However, he accidentally left off one letter in her address, and sent the e-mail without realizing his error. In Houston, a widow had just returned from her husband's funeral. He was a minister of many years who had been 'called home to glory' following a heart attack. The widow checked her e-mail, expecting messages from relatives and friends. Upon reading the first message, she fainted and fell to the floor. The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read: To: My Loving Wife From: Your Departed Husband Subject: I've Arrived! I've just arrived and have checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then! Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was. (P.S. Sure is hot down here!)" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Miscellaneous", + "output": "One of the worlds most famous blondes turned 40 in 1999. She doesn't look a day over 18, well maybe 27. No cellulite on her thighs, no wrinkles, no sagging breasts. Her figure is the same as it was twenty years ago. Many girls from around the world are familiar with this famous blonde. Some would say she is more famous than Madonna. Yes, Barbie Millicent Roberts turns forty in 1999. Is it time to give up the mini skirt for something more conservative? You be the judge, but the folks over at Mattel don't seem to think so. On the other hand, some women have suggested a few changes to the world's most popular doll. Something more fitting for the now middle aged blonde. Here's a list of possible new Barbies..." + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Miscellaneous", + "output": "It was last Wednesday night, and I was sitting in my room watching television when the phone rang. \"Hello?\" I said. A girl's voice came over the line. \"Can I speak to Ben, please?\" I live by myself, and my name definitely is not Ben. It was probably a wrong number and I was bored. I replied, \"I'm sorry, he's not in right now. Can I take a message?\" \"Do you know what time he'll be back?\" she responded. \"I think he said he'd be home around 10:00.\" Silence on the other end... a confused silence. \"Is this Steve?\" My name isn't Steve, either. This was definitely a wrong number. So I replied, \"Yes, it is. Do you want to leave a message for Ben?\" \"Well... he said he would be home tonight and asked me to call him,\" she said in a slightly irritated voice. I replied, \"Well, he went out with Karen about an hour ago, and said that he would be back at 10:00.\" A shocked voice now: \"Who's Karen?!\" \"The girl he went out with.\" \"I know that! I mean... who is she?\" \"I don't know her last name. Look, do you want me to leave a message for Ben?\" \"Yes... please do. Tell him to call me when he gets home.\" She was sounding pretty irate at this point, and I could hear her temper flaring. \"I sure will. Is this Jennifer?\" She exploded, \"Who's Jennifer?\" Apparently she wasn't. \"Well... he's going out with Jennifer at 10:00. I thought you were her. Sorry... it was an honest mistake.\" \"Ben's the one that's made the mistake! Tell him that Alice called him and the she's very upset and that I would like him to call me as soon as he gets home.\" I smiled and said, \"Okay, I will... but Becky isn't going to like this...\" *Click*" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Miscellaneous", + "output": "A man was having trouble getting his neighbor to keep his chickens fenced in. The neighbor kept talking about chickens being great creatures, and as such they had the right to go where they wanted. The man was having no luck keeping the chickens out of his flower beds, and he had tried everything. Two weeks later, on a visit a friend noticed his flower beds were doing great. The flowers were beginning to bloom. So the friend asked him how he managed to keep the birds away. \"How did you make your neighbor keep his hens in his own yard?\" \"One night I hid half a dozen eggs under a bush by my flower bed, and the next day I let my neighbor see me gather them. I wasn't bothered after that.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Miscellaneous", + "output": "Mrs. Brown is the church Matron, and she has become very famous for the baked beans she makes for every picnick or church potluck. The annual Mother's Day Pot Luck Dinner was tomorrow, and as usual Mrs. Brown set about preparing her baked beans for the meal. She had set everything to going on the stove, and was called away to the door. Mrs. Brown's son Billy came running into a freshly waxed kitchen, with his BB Gun in one hand and a fist full of BB's in the other. He slipped on the freshly waxed floor, and wouldn't you know it, the BB's flew right into the pot of baking beans. Mrs. Brown walked into the kitchen and scolded little Billy for running indoors, but not wanting to get into any further trouble he said nothing about the BB's going into the pot of simmering beans. The next day came, and the Pot Luck was an enormous success. As usual, Mrs. Brown's beans were the favorites and were quickly eaten all up. Not a single bean left in the pot. The next morning Mrs. Brown receives a phone call from the church secretary. \"Mrs. Brown,\" she says, \"Um, I loved your beans as always, but did you perhaps add anything, or change your recipe?\" Mrs. Brown replied, \"Why No, it was the same recipe as I always prepare, Why?\" The secretary says, \"Well, um, I bent over to feed my cat this morning, and I shot the Canary!\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Miscellaneous", + "output": "Warning: Pregnant women, the elderly and children under 10 should avoid prolonged exposure to Happy Fun Ball. Caution: Happy Fun Ball may suddenly accelerate to dangerous speeds. Happy Fun Ball Contains a liquid core, which, if exposed due to rupture, should not be touched, inhaled, or looked at. Do not use Happy Fun Ball on concrete. Discontinue use of Happy Fun Ball if any of the following occurs:" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Miscellaneous", + "output": "Years ago, CBS had a popular little series called Gilligan's Island. There is, however, a dark secret about this \"comedy\" you may never have realized. The island is a direct representation of HELL. Nobody on the island wants to be there, yet none are able to leave. Each one of the characters represents one of the 7 deadly sins:" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Miscellaneous", + "output": "A woman wants the inside of her house painted, so she calls a contractor in to help her. They wander around the house, and she points out the colors she wants. She says, \"Now in the living room, I'd like to have a neutral beige, very soft and warm.\" The contractor nods thoughtfully, then goes to the window, leans out, and yells \"Green side up\". The woman is most perplexed, but she lets it slide. They wander into the next room. She says, \"In the dining room, I'd like a light white, not stark, but very bright and airy.\" The contractor nods, then he goes to the window, leans out, and yells \"Green side up\". The woman is even more perplexed, but still she lets it slide. They wander further into the next room. She says, \"In the bedroom, I'd like blue. Restful peaceful, cool blue.\" The contractor nods, then once more he goes to the window, leans out, and yells \"Green side up\". This is too much. The woman has to ask. So she says, \"Every time I tell you a color, you don't even bother to write it down, but then you yell out the window \"Green Side Up\". What on earth does that mean? Are you even paying attention to the colors I want?\" The contractor recites her color choices from memory, then shakes his head and says, \"I have four Finns laying sod across the street, and I have to keep reminding them which side goes up.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Miscellaneous", + "output": "Are you interested in making $$$$ fast? Here's an incredibly simple way to do it, and there is nothing to buy, no investment to make, no money to lose! Try it now! Follow this simple procedure:" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Miscellaneous", + "output": "I pulled up to the drive-thru of a fast-food restaurant and ordered coffee. I asked the clerk to put some ice cubes into the cup so that I could drink the cool coffee quickly. At the window, there was a delay. Finally, a teen-aged girl came to the window looking frustrated. \"I'm having a problem,\" she announced. \"The ice keeps melting.\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Miscellaneous", + "output": "Everyone is always sending warnings about viruses, people trying to drug you in the street, people trying to scam use of your mobile phone...the list goes on. I don't usually forward many of these kinds of emails, but this warning came to me today from a very reliable source and I feel compelled to warn my female friends!! (By the way, the reason some men were sent this is so that they can warn the women in their lives as well.) If a man comes to your front door and says he is conducting a survey and asks you to show him your boobs, DON'T DO IT!" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Miscellaneous", + "output": "Did you hear about the new program on CBS's Cable Channel-\"Jewish Survivor\"? Eighteen Jews are put in a two bedroom non-Rent Controlled Apartment (not a sublet) on the Upper West Side of New York. Each week they vote out one of the Tribe until there is a survivor who gets a $1 million trust fund. Jewish Survivor Rules:" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Miscellaneous", + "output": "Mattel may not want to turn Barbie into a middle aged doll as some women suggested. Still others say it is high time for Ms. Roberts to get in touch with the modern times. Here are some suggestions for a 90's type of Barbie." + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Miscellaneous", + "output": "Have you heard about the next planned \"Survivor\" show? Six men will be dropped on an island with 1 van and 4 kids each, for 6 weeks. Each kid plays two sports AND takes music, dance or lessons on both. There is no access to fast food. Each man must take care of his 4 kids, keep his assigned house clean, correct all homework, complete science projects, cook, do laundry, and take care of a pet cat and dog. The men only have access to television when the kids are asleep and all chores are done: There is only one TV between them and there is no remote. The men must shave their legs and wear makeup daily, which they must apply themselves either while driving or while making four lunches. They must attend weekly PTA meetings; clean up after their sick children at 3:00 a.m; make an Indian hut model with six toothpicks, a tortilla and one marker; and get a 4 year old to eat a serving of peas. The kids vote them off based on performance. The winner gets to go back to his job." + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Miscellaneous", + "output": "A Jewish man, a Polish man, and a man from India are driving around looking for a hotel. Unfortunately a convention happens to be in town that night, and there are no rooms available. They wind up driving to the outskirts of the city where at last they come across a motel with a VACANCY sign. They stop and go in to register. \"I'm sorry,\" says the clerk, \"but we only have one room left and it's only a double.\" The three men explain how desperate they are, and so the clerk says, \"Okay, I know what we can do. One of you men can sleep out in the barn. Don't worry, though, we'll put a cot out there and make it nice and comfortable for you.\" The clerk then shows them to their room, and as he is leaving he says, \"It's up to you three to decided who is going to sleep in the barn.\" Without hesitation, the man from India says, \"No problem, I'll sleep in the barn.\" He leaves, and a few minutes later, as the other two men are getting ready for bed, they hear a knock at the door. They open it, and the Indian man is standing there. \"So sorry,\" he says, \"I cannot sleep with the sacred cow.\" \"So, I'll sleep in the barn,\" says the Jewish man, and he leaves. A few minutes later the other two men hear a knock on the door. They answer it, and the Jewish guy is standing there. He shrugs and says, \"Can't sleep with the pig.\" So the Polish guy says, \"I guess I'll sleep in the barn.\" He leaves. The Indian and the Jewish man are beginning to undress when they hear a sound at the door. They open it and the pig and cow are standing there." + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Miscellaneous", + "output": "Dear Washington State residents: The recent earthquakes were just a warning. Now that we have your attention, sell us your power, give us back our sunshine, take back your rain and we'll take back our earthquakes. [signed] The People of California" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Miscellaneous", + "output": "Psychologists have discovered that the manner in which people eat Oreo cookies provides great insight into their personalities. Choose which method best describes your favorite method of eating Oreos: Your Personality:" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Miscellaneous", + "output": "Read each line ALOUD: This is this cat This is is cat This is how cat This is to cat This is keep cat This is a cat This is dumbass cat This is busy cat This is for cat This is about cat This is forty cat This is seconds cat Now go back and read the THIRD word in each line from the top." + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Miscellaneous", + "output": "Once uton a pime in a corn funtry there lived a geautiful birl and her name was Rindercella. Now Rindercella lived with her two sad blisters and her mugly other. Also in this corn funtry there liv inviting all the geautiful birls from riles amound. But Rindercella gouldn't co. She had to make dancy fesses for her two sad blisters and her mugly other. While they all went off to the bancy fall, Rindercella just cat down and shried. She was just citting there a shrying when there appeared before her - her jerry mud father! \"Rindercella,\" she asked, \"Shry do you why?\" Rindercella mold her jerry mud father of her werrible tork. Just then her jerry mud father made Rindercella a geautiful bown and took two mield fice and a tumpkin and purned them into two stighty malions and cig boach! Off to the bancy fall went Rindercella, with the warning that she must go home before the mid clock struck night. As Rindercella entered the bancy fall the pransome hince saw her through a widden hindow and thought she gas worgeous! They danced and danced and soon they lell in fove. Suddenly, the mid clock struck night and fearing her cig boach would purn into a tumpkin, Rindercella staced down the rairs. But as she beached the rottom, she slopped her dripper. Well the nery vext day the pransome hince searched the corn funtry for the geautiful birl who had slopped her dripper. He tried it on Rindercella's mugly other, but if fidn't dit. He tried it on her sad blisters... Then, the dripper fit only Rindercella at last. Now the storal of the mory: If you ever go to a bancy fall to meet a pransome hince with the hopes of lalling in fove, don't forget to slop your dripper!" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Miscellaneous", + "output": "DETROIT As of Friday, June 24, 1994 the Ford Bronco has officially been selected as the vehicle of choice in the United States. The Conclusive California road test, as seen on national TV, proved without a doubt that the 1994 Bronco can successfully hold off 15 or more police cars, 3 helicopters, and the entire population of the United States for more than an hour and a half, while never exceeding 43 miles per hour. The vehicle even works as well parked in the driveway of your residence. If you are a felon, then we have a special deal for you on a brand new Ford Bronco. Just go to your local Ford dealer and ask for the new O.J. Package. This specially equipped Bronco comes with a .30 caliber pistol, twenty five rounds of ammunition, blood resistant upholstery, cellular phone with speed-dialing for 911 calls, $10,000.00 cash, a passport, a former famous football player blow-up doll, and a high-powered well-qualified lawyer who will greet you when you arrive home. Picture yourself leaning comfortably back in your seat, listening to the gentle swirl of helicopter blades and police cars purring. And if you act now, we will throw in the O.J. Magical Disappearing Ginzo Knife at no extra charge. Be the first in your cell to own the new 1994 O.J. EDITION BRONCO. See your Ford Dealer now." + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Miscellaneous", + "output": "Carnac the Magnificent was one of the highlights of the Johnny Carson Show. In the ongoing sketch, Carnac would draw a sealed envelope from a mayonnaise jar, and hold it to his forehead. He would then answer the question sealed inside the envelope. What is missing here is his delivery. Great sketch - and you might get lucky enough to find it on Nickoleodeon." + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Miscellaneous", + "output": "Britain decided it was time to switch left lane traffic to right lane traffic, as everywhere in Europe. So they gather to plan the whole thing and nobody seems to come up with any viable solution, so they send out some help-me type faxes. A couple of days later, answers come back. The French fax read: \"As your neighbors, we are deeply touched you requested our help,\" etc., etc., \"but we have no idea at all how to do it.\" The German fax read: \"We are Germany, the most organized country in Europe, but we have not had this problem before and we do not know how to handle it.\" The Polish fax read: \"As you know, we are Poland, a country that has done a lot on the path towards democracy and economic resuscitation. \"We have a great deal of experience in such transition processes. But, as to overcome the inherent difficulties and to avoid social problems, any and all transitions must be done gradually. \"So, it is our proposal to handle the situation in three big steps. The first year, it should be mandatory only for the trucks to ride on the right lane ...\"" + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Miscellaneous", + "output": "The Pope and the Queen of England are on the same stage at an Anglican and Catholic commemoration of the Anglo-Irish accords. The crowd is huge - thousands. Her Majesty and His Holiness, can't help but have a little rivalry, both being heads of churches and all. The Queen says to the Pope, \"Did you know that with just one little wave of my hand I can make every English person in the crowd go wild?\" He doubts it, so she shows him. Sure enough, the royal-gloved wave elicits rapture and cheering from every Englishman in the crowd. Gradually the cheering subsides. The Pope, not wanting to be outdone by someone wearing a worse frock and hat than he, considers what he could do. So the Pope says to the Queen, \"Your Majesty, that was impressive. But did you know that with one little wave of MY hand I can make every Irish person in the crowd go crazy with joy? Their joy will not be a momentary display like that of your subjects, but will go deep into their hearts, and they will speak forever of this day and rejoice. They will recount it to their grandchildren and they to their descendants.\" The Queen seriously doubts this, and says so. \"One little wave of your hand and all Irish people will rejoice forever? Show me.\" So the Pope slaps her." + }, + { + "instruction": "Write a joke about the following category", + "input": "Miscellaneous", + "output": "Note: Tradewars is on online role-playing game where you are a spaceship captain, and roam a 5,000 sector universe trading and/or killing away. You also get to build things and gather colonists. Look for the game on local BBS' On your first game you most likely did the following:" + } +] \ No newline at end of file