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we need your help!we have big plans and we want you to be a part of it the mugdown is texas a&ms first official satirical newspaper we are in our fourth year of publication and we are a rapidly growing well-known fixture on the texas a&m campus our writers and graphic designers work hard to promote campus-wide discussion by creating content that encourages new and constructive ways of thinking using humor and intellect we bring difficult topics to light help to keep the university from taking itself too seriously and reflect on some of the challenges that the student body faces our presence on campus and on social media has increased substantially in the last year utilizing platforms like facebook twitter and our website we are able to reach well over 100 000 readers per month we are constantly expanding into new ventures and different mediums and our campus events broaden the diversity of our audience weve got a lot planned for this semester and we hope you consider supporting the mugdown choose the option below that best applies: direct contributions under $25 for contributions under $25 we recommend purchasing our merch we typically sell items such as shirts or stickers at least once a year direct contributions over $25 donations over $25 are tax-deductible and can be processed online through the texas a&m foundation please follow the following directions to ensure that your contribution is allocated to the mugdown you will be asked to provide the following info: i would like to give to: unlisted accountthe mugdown - 955170 proceed to the foundation's website to make contribution sponsor the mugdown if your company is interested in sponsoring the mugdown on our site and in print publications please visit the sponsorship page become a sponsorquestionscontact the mugdown
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the mugdown exists to challenge the thinking of the texas a&m community by delivering relevant satirical news the mugdown is texas a&m universitys first satirical newspaper founded in 1875 the mugdown has carried on a long tradition of excellent articles that bring the most recent aggie news spiced with humor of the highest wit here at the mugdown we are proud to host a highly diverse and creative group of writers: the founding fathers bellamy partridge – bellamy was famous before we ever met her a feminism icon and a winner of the nobel prize in literature for her bestselling book two x chromosomes and a partridge in a pear tree sure she may not seem the usual comedic type but shes famous so we wanted her cactus jack – like bellamy we knew immediately that we wanted cactus jack on our team it probably has to do with the fact that when we first met him he was trying to figure out what it would feel like to lick a cactus hes sort of like the abandoned dog you come across on the side of the highway he may be ugly but we pulled over to watch and now we feel at least partially responsible for him honey bear – is the name ironic maybe maybe not honestly hes been called that for longer than anyone has known him hes a sociopath and we dont like talking with him very much so when the man says hes called honey bear we make damn sure to call him honey bear he gets his articles turned in on time though so we keep him around sbisa cookie – a living testament to the fact that the pen is mightier than the sword we once saw him stab a dude with a pen there was blood and ink everywhere it was awesome he never gets his articles turned in on time though so some wonder why we keep him around did we mention he once stabbed a dude with a pen lone star lady – can you take a guess where shes from go ahead take a guess if you guessed pakistan youre an idiot shes from somalia (we would like to apologize for that joke it requires a working knowledge of both state and international flags) it was hard not to be interested when we got an application from a pirate however we soon realized she doesnt have a hook a pegleg an eyepatch or even a parrot turns out all she has is a large gun a tiny fishing boat and an alcohol problem i suppose that last ones sort of pirate-y and hey how many pirates do you work with revelicious – definition: make them boys go loco wow i kind of hate myself for making that joke then again it would have been too much of a missed opportunity to not make the reference at all and as revelicious exemplifies thats what were all about here at the mugdown: obvious references and easy jokes so delicious 1st pledge class: the refill
the mugdown is a satirical news publication any and all content associated should be assumed to be mostly or entirely fictionalized with the exception of public figures and entities any names found within are made up and not associated with any individuals whose names may bear a resemblance to any names used additionally any quotations and events described should be viewed strictly as parody unless explicitly stated otherwise the mugdown is a work of humor and not a serious news source
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following his decision to remain in math 251 class after the q-drop deadline yesterday sophomore electrical engineering major victor carlisle realized that skipping lectures all semester was directly responsible for his current state of stress as recently as spring break carlisle was heard boasting about passing the first math 251 exam despite having missed each lecture since syllabus week i thought i had this class in the bag after getting that 79 on the first test and chegging my way through each homework carlisle said now im really wishing i had gotten all those attendance points because i didnt do so great on the second test sources within section 501 of math 251 have confirmed that attendance points count for 10 percent of the total course grade each exam is worth 25 percent and carlisle scored a 45 on exam 2 assuming his homework average is 100 victor needs a 96 on exam 3 to pass the class calculus tutor jason torres who saw carlisle for the first time yesterday said if he had gone to every class he would only need to score 56 percent despite the high final exam score necessary to receive a c carlisle elected not to q-drop because passing is technically not impossible and because he already used five withdrawals on kine 199 classes within his first three semesters msc alittle
yesterday at 12:56 pm an audio clip leaked of computer science peer tutor joshuah browland telling a student that he also had no idea what was going on with that assignment i mean its kinda in the name we are peers so i know about as much as you do browland said on the tape this excerpt comes from an hour-long recording of browland helping an unidentified sophomore with an idiotic csce 121 assignment about some mars rover crap browland spent 75 percent of this hour complaining about the projects instructions and structure 20 percent slandering c++ and 5 percent showing people in his vicinity dank memes the remaining 0 percent of the time was spent accurately identifying the problems the student was having with his lunch break approaching browland pulled up a code solution on geeksforgeeks for the student before shirking his responsibilities this leak confirms years of speculation from that one guy sitting in the corner of all your classes who keeps his ear buds in the whole lecture i knew these people werent smarter than me they never could find the bug in my linked list code greg pentham still with his earbuds in said but now ive found the bug in them experts are unsure if pentham will ever stop the maniacal laugh that followed this statement as a replacement for peer tutoring and to restore the student bodys faith in the university texas a&m university will be issuing all undergraduate students free access to a communal chegg account btho rabies
following an attempt to watch a recorded video at sweet & petite local coffee junior political science major and small business activist jenna chen betrayed her morals by packing up her belongings and driving to starbucks last wednesday chens promotion of corporate greed came as she attempted to catch up on two weeks of class videos she missed while attending various protests and rallies im devastated to learn that ive been fighting on the wrong side for years chen said in a tweet that uploaded instantaneously thanks to starbuckss internet speed the truth is our society needs corporations and every individual is better off conforming to norms they have developed for us we owe everything to corporations and we should be thankful that they operate with the working classs best interests in mind after catching up on her classes chen spent the rest of the day dwelling on the time and money she wasted by living out her morals in addition to spending hours downloading jpegs that would have loaded in seconds at starbucks chen cursed herself for decisions like driving five miles out of the way for her local credit union instead of using the wells fargo atm near her apartment although chens friends initially believed she would be back using her mobile hotspot at sweet & petite by saturday eyewitness testimony from starbucks patrons on sunday suggests she may have a new regular study spot they have so many cute little mugs and water bottles that i cant wait to buy chen said i just had my first cake pop and im going to start an instagram account reviewing all of their seasonal beverages msc alittle & grad-ttlesnake
yesterday morning texas a&m universitys seal was removed from military walk in order to raise the graduation rate this news comes after a recent student life studies survey found that more students than ever are casually stepping on the seal as the university struggles with student success post-covid although the nature of the correlation is undetermined administration has maintained that they will take every measure to help struggling students we pride ourselves on dedication to students success university representative scott abadi said if we have to remove a piece of the ground so that students can get their diplomas well make that decision in a heartbeat abadi clarified that any other measure to improve student health would take years of paperwork i never thought it was a big deal to walk on the seal senior emily ybarra said but last week i found i wasnt going to graduate on time and i just knew i never went to class and slept through the midterms but if i hadnt set foot on that seal i would be getting my diploma this spring while some students are upset about losing an integral part of campus most are thankful to save a few steps on their walk from the northside to the msc mugdown staff
after receiving his aggie ring yesterday junior civil engineering major dani lillard immediately expressed a new sense of optimism regarding his internship search despite previous unequivocal rejections the $2 000 loan i took out to get this ring was definitely worth it lillard said as he put the ring around his finger i already feel like twice the engineer i was before theres no way i wont get a job now despite the rings obvious lack of magical properties lillards family just smiled and congratulated him on earning a lifetime of guaranteed employment that evening lillard celebrated the occasion by binge drinking and barfing instead of finishing that homework due last week that he had totally been meaning to turn in while recovering from his post-ring dunk hangover lillard edited his resume to include aggie ring bearer under the previously empty technical skills section according to reports from his roommate lillard was then seenstroking his aggie ring and whispering my precious to the eagle on the seal while mass-applying to internships when researching whether having an aggie ring will make up for lillards poor gpa and lack of relevant experience mugdown sources were told huh who are you what are you doing in my office security! btho rabies
this morning serial womanizer borderline alcoholic and junior management major alex sill expressed excitement to receive his ring and begin a lifetime of reflecting poorly on aggies everywhere this university is the greatest in the world sill said no other class ring symbolizes pride and opportunity like this one insider trading dogfighting rings sex scandals every time my name comes up in the news theyll say ‘thats an aggie when questioned about how texas a&m university plans to mitigate the reputation risk of aggies like sill the division of marketing & communications pointed to its abundant experience of turning objectively bad people into reputable endowment-level donors if you dont look too closely you can actually rebrand a lot of morally dubious actions as successful business ventures spokesperson anabelle hill ‘05 said and if the person turns out to be a maniac we can just say we cultivate ‘diversity of thought among our students despite having just received his ring sill has already made a name for himself in aggieland as a person no one wants to be around his reported behaviors include starting several drunken screaming matches over first-deck seating at football games doing donuts in lot 100 and ending every dollar beer night by projectile vomiting down the hallways of his northgate apartment building sill plans to dunk tonight as he prepares to enter the world as a full-time menace ruining texas a&ms reputation wherever he finds himself his ring dunk invitation read lets get juiced up and smash some stuff! gig ‘em and god bless! msc alittle & walton texas ranger
following weeks of planning a large house party junior communications major alex hanscom was horrified to realize he did not reserve the living room in his house chat after his roommate jackson vela claimed the space to play mario kart despite previously sending out invitations hanscom was advised by his legal team that he had no proper claim to the living room after failing to register the party through the proper channels if i wouldve been properly informed about the party i couldve just scheduled my esports team practice for literally any other time vela said but theres only a few times that all the gamers are available to get together for mushroom gorge gap jumping so i cant change it on such short notice just for alexs birthday according to the current reservation precedent at hanscom and velas shared residence the roommate who messages first in the group chat gains exclusive rights to any shared part of the house for the specified time although the system has worked since the group moved in together hanscom is reportedly upset with velas refusal to compromise despite vela having asked other roommates to do so in the past ive moved so many of my football watch parties for jacksons dungeons and dragons group a frustrated hanscom said i also invited him to the party so he totally knew about it even if i didnt send it in the group chat at press time vela was forced to move his mario kart practice after a different roommate presented messages from 18 months ago claiming the living room to watch recorded analysis videos of the 2023 masters tournament this weekend msc alittle
on monday residents of callaway house were given door hangers advertising building-wide spa treatments at no additional cost the marketing material announced that the organic mold growing on residents walls and ceilings provides a variety of health benefits for students the launch of the program was highlighted on the callaway house website student success and well-being are our top priorities the announcement post said so were excited to use mold to provide sinus clearing and create a comforting natural environment despite skepticism from the scientific community residents and community stakeholders alike have reportedly appreciated the extra layer of luxury im so glad theyre doing this resident john loya said i hope this mold thing stops that mysterious cough ive been having! later that day texas a&m athletics tweeted their appreciation for corporate social responsibility and praised their long-standing partnership with callaway house for promoting student health when pressed for comment callaway houses property management team said that they would not respond due to pending litigation msc++
tuesday afternoon following dozens of emails trying to force request into a differential equations class with a better grade distribution junior industrial engineering major samantha krohnenberg began sending her advisor desperate pleas for cooperation the talks started on a high note monday with advisor jack sholter agreeing to submit the request on behalf of krohnenberg however things took a turn for the worse when krohnenberg revealed her motives for the course change these kids just want to be put in the easy classes sholter said youre here for an education just take the difficult courses like everyone else online over the summer at a local college of your choice negotiations stalled on wednesday when sholter stopped replying to emails instead opting for an automatic out of office reply walton texas ranger
last night at obannons members of the mugdown were disqualified from trivia despite having the highest score because another team graded their answers incorrectly following the incident security analysts warned that a global conspiracy was likely at play and cautioned the international community against treating the attack as a simple hijinks or rule dispute this is really your run-of-the-mill frame-up cia director william burns said its the textbook approach to destroying the credibility and momentum of a budding organization threatening the status quo burns went on to clarify that while the cia was not responsible for the hit job on the mugdown the syndicate responsible for the subterfuge has shown its hand as a well-connected and vile coterie with unlimited resources that poses an existential threat to human rights geopolitical experts agree that this is not simply the mugdown being petty about losing trivia on a technicality but a targeted offensive against everything america stands for: freedom liberty justice freedom and liberty despite this attack on free speech the mugdown has not suspended operation and will not bend its knee to these nefarious individuals when speaking on the conspiracy the mugdown editor-in-chief hannibal lechner took time to congratulate the winning team firstly i want to say that team menace to sobriety had an outstanding performance last night and came just two points shy of our corrected total top score additionally our analysts confirmed that the team had no involvement with the shadowy international cabal seeking to eliminate all sources of humor on earth lechner said this tragic incident serves as a reminder that even the most sacred establishments can be infiltrated by despicable syndicates looking to undermine the foundations of our civilization mugdown staff
last friday juniors anthony herman and myra mendoza were honored with mays business schools techexcellence entrepreneurship award for the rapid growth of their groupme ticket selling bot despite launching their business in february the bots can already be found in groupme chats for more than 50 percent of courses and organizational groups these students exemplify everything we teach at mays business school dean dr nate sharp said while presenting the award finding innovative ways to take money from students is one of the universitys core competencies the ceremony occurred at a banquet featuring prominent business leaders including representatives from cutco and southwestern advantage the young entrepreneurs created the now-ubiquitous groupme ticket peddler bots christened scamme in the weeks leading up to the taylor swift and sza tours the companys value comes from having no obligation to deliver tickets regardless of payments received this has created a business model with zero marginal cost and has allowed the pair to recover its initial capital expenditures four times over despite the early success the founders have no plans to cash out and have already begun expanding their venture into new markets canvas emails and announcements are an extremely underutilized method of reaching target audiences my entrepreneurship professors always talk about the importance of multiple income streams and diversifying potential customer pools founder anthony herman said be on the lookout for several updates inspired by groupme and a&m it infrastructure including frequent outages and a help ticket response time of 3–5 business years batt-atouille & msc alittle
on march 31st the corps of cadets held a ceremony for freshman cadet richard morris who received the purple kidney the highest honor available for cadets due to his heroic display of bravery of only peeing in toilets for an entire month im not going to pretend it was easy in the heat of the battle against peeing your pants your judgment can get skewed and a sink can look an awful lot like a urinal wright said i am still haunted by nightmares of losing fellow cadets in the fight to stop urinating in sinks but i was able to make it through thanks to the values instilled in me by the corps this is the first time a cadet will be receiving this prestigious award since aaron wright (12) all seven currently alive recipients of this distinction were flown out for the honorous event richard is a true patriot upholding the cherished american value of urinating in toilets general patrick r michaelis commandant of the corps of cadets said young men like him demonstrate why the texas a&m corps of cadets is so special and give me confidence in our continued legacy as a university state and country morris plans to join the navy after he graduates to continue fighting for the right of americans everywhere to properly use bathrooms btho rabies
last saturday a groupon mishap brought fraternity members to a chilis for dinner sources familiar with the students confirmed that the group had accidentally bought tickets to chilis weekend happy hour rather than the renowned country music festival chilifest in snook texas all things considered this works too senior fraternity member tristan adams said while finishing his sixth margarita of the night all we wanted to do was get drunk and hear some country music and as long as they keep playing this radio station at the bar were all good plus they have indoor nature-free bathrooms here! it was an honest mistake a freshman pledge said when asked how the group ended up at chilis that night i wanted to get a good deal on tickets and the ad talked a lot about free drinks although the group did not make it to chilifest adams said the experience still preserved the spirit of chilifest as no one went home sober hannibal lechner
student body elections have come and gone and there can only be one winner which makes the rest of you nothing but losers you had dreams of how you would rule this university (under the strict guidance of the rudder association) but now you sadly have to be just another civilian here at this university who had to watch someone you never heard of win well i am here to tell you that next year is your year and if you follow these steps in their entirety you might as well start drafting your victory speech step 1: bribes i cannot emphasize enough how important this step is to becoming student body president you will need to start saving up money now to be able to pay off all the important people needed to secure your victory you may be telling yourself i will never do that i have integrity and pride something something aggie honor code well my response to you is that if you had enough pride and integrity for yourself you wouldnt be trying so hard to acquire a title that is basically just a leader in cosplay furthermore anyone who still believes in the aggie honor code obviously never took an online exam during the height of the pandemic the reason bribes are so efficient is that you dont have to report any of it we all know how serious those people in student government association (sga) take themselves so why not just completely avoid them altogether do you really want to stand in front of students wearing maroon robes cosplaying as judges about how you may or may not have wired money through songfest shirts and chilifest tickets no so be free of the election financial committee and spend as much as your heart and your fathers credit card desires step 2: blackmail now i know your conscience is probably at odds with this one but just hear me out because this a step that lot of politicians have thanked me for after they secured victory i mean you already completed the first half of this program might as well go all the way its like my grandma always said why be a part of the problem when you can be the entire problem to complete this step you will need to do research on your opponents and i mean a lot of research gather your campaign team around and scrape through every mention of your opponents on social media find their friends but most importantly find their enemies one of the common mistakes candidates continuously commit is the act of focusing on the fallacies of the oppositions campaign ideas when in reality they should find the faults in the candidate repeat after me: dont fight their ideas fight the candidate you should wine and dine their haters into telling you the worst things about the person bring it up during debates on groupme breakaway anything that can spread the word once you complete these steps you will then become the next student body president of texas a&m university hullabaloo neglect neglect
yesterday when attempting to register for classes at texas a&m university for the upcoming school year jimbo fisher was restricted from securing a spot in ftbl 323 introduction to functional head coaching for the fall 2023 semester due to missing a prerequisite from his previous season despite being able to register for other courses on his degree plan such as leaching off the university system ii and advanced disappointment fisher could not register for ftbl 323 due to his q-drop of the prerequisite course ftbl 222 basics of adequate decision making last semester fisher asserts that he had all the material ready for the assignments in fbtl 222: players money staff etc he just forgot to turn them in on game days this is more unfair than a poker game with a basset hound fisher said i tried my best but the professor graded way too harshly i need to take this next class to graduate on time sources within the texas a&m athletic department say fisher has sent in a force request for introduction to functional head coaching but the request is currently still in review by university administration btho rabies
one day after leading the nations largest one-day service event big event executive jonah mcgraw served his community again by returning his heb shopping cart to its proper location even though the nearest drop-off point was a few parking spots away mcgraw put others before himself and made the trek friends of mcgraw commended him on instagram noting his selfless service its just my way of simply saying ‘thank you to the cart pushers at heb mcgraw said on social media without them most of my carts would be hitting your car he says he can only hope that big event continues to push boundaries redefine the meaning of selfless service and help students complete their mandatory service requirements no i wasnt expecting any financial compensation for this but i did it anyway mcgraw said just like every year at big event people saw it on social media which is a reward in itself although big event will not occur again until next year mcgraw emphasized that he still wants to set an example for a&ms student body by publicizing his acts of service in between posts of the big event officer teams white-on-denim photoshoot dont expect this to be the last time you hear about me serving h-e-b mcgraw said but for yardwork youll have to wait until next year you cant really expect to do work dressed like that unless we have some old people handing us snacks man in stem
despite the supposedly random process for assigning volunteers sorority members from pi beta phi were placed at a fun big event site for the 10th year in a row my group went to a ranch that had all sorts of animals sophomore pi phi member landry hall said we spent 10 minutes watching a ranch hand milk a cow and then spent the rest of the time playing with the baby animals while a swarm of big event photographers documented our every move it was great! big event records indicate that for the past 10 years this ranch has hosted exclusively students from texas a&m panhellenic on big event day however the top five job sites for sorority members are located in college stations miramont neighborhood last year i truly felt that we were able to serve this community and practice our core values by helping this family in need by cleaning their guest house and talking with them over a catered meal from the country club hall said they also happened to have three puppies so it was great we were able to help them with that additional burden by publicizing their plight on instagram posts from various corps social media accounts indicate that for many students big event service is completely unrecognizable from what sorority members experience every job that ive been to has involved intense labor in some way senior corps member sam brockman said each time my outfit has worked non-stop for the whole four hours underneath the blazing sun doing things like cleaning up horse poop digging a hole for a massive koi fish pond and hauling around cinder blocks in response to allegations of favoritism big event stated that no special placement system is in place and that all volunteers are equal as they say ‘thank you to the community however critics have pointed out that some volunteers seem to be more equal than others ― batt for both teams
after much speculation regarding fish camps new location the division of student affairs announced the abandoned gumbys on dominik drive will soon host texas a&m universitys signature freshman orientation camp its proximity to campus was a major factor in our decision director of risk management trent gilliam said also gumbys on tuesday is a staple in fish camp culture so this was a perfect the right fit for the future of the organization located right off texas avenue the empty building has always sparked curiosity in students and residents despite looking like a place to buy drugs the venue is lauded by many within fish camp for its strategic location its placement next to big daddys tattoo studios and sally beauty also allows counselors easier access to any piercing or hair dye needs before and during camp activities looking to leverage the unique aspects of the venue fish camp announced that the yell-off will occur in the front parking lot and that campers will ride the aggie spirit bus to and from their lodging on campus however no confirmation has been given on the inclusion of half-price pizza rolls in camp meals sharts and rec
last tuesday afternoon during a staff meeting the battalion editor-in-chief rachel simms announced that the newspaper would halt its production of printed copies for the following month in hopes of recapturing the lightning in the bottle that was almost getting shut down by administration last spring during this period the battalion saw a 200% increase in readership and a 5000% increase in people aware of t the battalions existence there are more people in this mandatory meeting today than weekly readers of the battalion simms said last week to her staff last year when the university was trying to censor us we had the most readers since we were the texas collegian heck it was even my first time picking up a physical copy to further replicate the conditions of last spring the battalion will reportedly only be publishing articles about president banks-approved topics recent features touch on subjects like the importance of stem students the psychological benefits of being nice to university officials and the slippery slope of pranks and having fun well i was going to write an article about the restrooms on campus that most reminded me of getting picked last for kickball in elementary school writer for the opinion desk sadie leblanc said but i guess since we are censoring ourselves i could write something about relevant and impactful issues on campus despite the hopeful optimism expressed by the battalion for these changes no one actually noticed any difference until reading the headline of this article btho rabies
yesterday morning the college of arts and sciences announced a new unemployment minor to prepare liberal arts students for a more realistic future according to the deans office the minor was introduced in response to graduates who were somehow surprised by their inability to earn a livable wage and afford a home after getting a degree required courses focus on real-world skills lacking in liberal arts education and include living with your parents wilderness survival skills debt management and seminars titled instant foods and reviving your dreams although the new minor was received positively by current students recent graduates have expressed concern that courses are no substitute for real-world experience sure maybe youll learn a little by cramming for exams about living paycheck-to-paycheck former religious studies student brie livingston said but until you have to work at both sweet eugenes and your churchs daycare just to get by its all useless theory bims and snap
following the release of fish camp counselor decisions third-year counselor travis spade expressed excitement for his third and final summer of forming shallow and brief relationships with fellow counselors specifically spade is interested in learning more about his camp through the personal questions asked in hot seats after my last partzs hot seat and learning the intimate details of her sex life i felt like i really knew her spade said of his perfect partner whose last name and favorite color he did not care to learn hearing trashy stories from the rest of my last camp helped me understand them all a lot better especially considering i didnt really talk to them for two months after camp reveal though spade has been a part of three previous camps he has lost contact with each person he met through fish camp my last two partners were just not a great match spade said we only made out once at the app and didnt even hook up spade claims this year will be different but sources report he is already on the lookout for another group to party with next semester hannibal lechner
last weekend carpool announced plans to implement a new babysitting service for under-21 college students to fight underage drinking education students seeking practice in classroom management will run the program in the methodist student center parking lot carpool was founded to provide sober judgment-free rides around the bryan-college station area now they are expanding their services to make going to northgate a safer and more inclusive experience for those who cannot join their older legal friends instead of seeing minors hanging out around bar entrances we thought giving them a place to go after being separated from their friend group would be beneficial carpool chair natasha moore said to prevent any potential underage drinking while under supervision carpool will provide sparkling grape juice to create the illusion of a normal night out im thankful to have a place to drop off my little audreigh lane a delta gamma senior saidi can finally have a night out without feeling resentful that she cant afford a fake id according to carpools website the service will begin immediately to support the freshmen left to loiter outside the entrance of paddock and stare longingly at their friends sharing a fishbowl sharts & rec
at 2:30 am tuesday night during primetime hours for kanm student radio tragedy struck the organizations most popular radio show pb&jams the shows host parker brooks lost her entire listening audience due to an alleged power outage in her hometown that left her mother unable to tune in to the show it was like the worst thing to ever happen to me brooks said into the cold void of obscurity one second you are on top of the world the next you are just like everybody else on campus before making her entire personality revolve around student radio brooks was an ordinary telecommunications major brooks first made waves in her industry by being the first person courageous enough to endure the embarrassment of telling their family they host a student radio show she recently expanded into previously unreached markets and grown pb&jams listenership to be the largest at kanm longtime fan and biological father of parker liam brooks accused parkers mother teresa brooks of going to bed early instead of listening to pb&jams on tuesday liam lives directly across the street from theresa a point that is frequently discussed on pb&jams he claims he experienced no power outage that night when asked why he was not listening to the radio show at the time he coincidentally entered a tunnel and lost connection we reached out to teresa brooks for comment but she was unable to answer due to the increasingly suspiciously long and localized power outage at her home btho rabies
sunday night sophomore philosophy student patrick pine announced he would be stepping down from all social obligations for the foreseeable future the announcement comes after pine faced severe backlash for being a total downer at an aggie belles date partythe trouble started when pine showed up to the country/western party dressed in a t-shirt and slacks citing concerns about future morality deeming the theme inappropriate throughout the course of the night pine committed several unforgivable social errors at 10:13 pm he stopped drinking to avoid doing something [he] might regret however he did consume enough red wine to debate the other partygoers about religion at 11:05 pm pine was seen in the backyard standing in a circle of marijuana users when it was his turn for the blunt he held it and waved it around pleading for the others to consider their long-term lung health the night ended at 11:45 pm when after several attempts to get the music turned down pine allegedly called in a noise complaint from the restroom pine stated in a lengthy twitter thread that he would be taking the time away from the social scene to focus on his studies and reconnect with family a decision that is unanimously opposed by his relatives walton texas ranger
last week a texas a&m health science center study found that the biological need for sleep frequently prevents students from meeting academic commitments this report represents a paradigm shift in the analysis of sleep and departs from the previous assumption that sleep is needed to be productive our researchers found that over 70% of test subjects routinely chose to remain motionless in bed for periods ranging from three to nine hours this sleep cycle was documented to severely hamper the ability of students to complete class assignments in a timely manner lead researcher dr walter morris said we believe this anomaly explains why so many aggies cant complete the academic and extracurricular tasks assigned to them we also found that eating socializing and going outside may serve as additional barriers to students productivity while researchers are puzzled why students would choose to lay still with their eyes closed for several hours every day the study is being praised for its contributions to student well-being dr morris and his team will be recognized at the universitys annual mental health awareness month dinner later this week world war weeaboo
last wednesday local christian julien anderson was denied salvation from the lord due to subpar instagram birthday posts sources say that anderson was fearful about her status citing low birthday post count each with only one to two sentences describing her faith her rejection was followed by a post captioned taking a break from social media to spend more time with jesus its just not fair anderson said in an interview friday night i created nice collages for all of my friends and wrote out three paragraphs for each pretty much all i post on instagram are birthday posts anderson went on to express her internal disappointment in her closest friends for not taking the time to immortalize her impressive faith in their posts particularly the girls in her bible study according to anderson she always brought the religious zeal for her eternal liberator and was saddened when none of the girls recognized her evangelistic talents in their posts middle class missionary
yesterday morning the battalion announced that 100 percent of its articles would be ai-generated by 2024 the operational overhaul comes after going over budget on papyrus and quill pens for the third consecutive year lets be honest for a second gavin leblanc a writer for the opinion desk said weve been on autopilot for a long time now anyway many people were shocked to hear that the battalion released full-length articles to begin with frequent criticism from both administration and disgruntled 50-somethings on facebook was also been cited as a demoralizing factor in human contribution those boomers thought they could hurt our feelings leblanc said of their facebook comment section too bad its artificial intelligence not artificial emotions! the battalion is also rumored to be developing ai for predictive sports reporting full articles have already been generated and reportedly find there are no championships in sight –downtown cryin
in response to the aggie mens basketball teams recent success texas a&m athletics announced that the famous 12th man would be rebranded as the 6th man the decision which had been pending since last years sec basketball tournament was made easier by the lackluster record of the aggie football team after the announcement texas a&m athletics took several steps to assure fans of their new commitment to basketball a sculpted copper basketball was tucked under the iron-cast arm of the famed e king gill statue and ncaa-standard basketball hoops have been installed into the newly rechristened kyle arena head coach buzz williams was caught on a hot microphone musing that it has been a pleasant surprise for a tangentially popular sports team to excel given the depressing vacuum of aggie sports as they say in aggieland its a spirit can neer be told in reed arena this season vice president of student affairs brigadier general joe ramirez said its great for our student population that weve moved on from the exhausted shrughead coach jimbo fisher and refocused on something we are actually good at downtown cryin
yesterday multinational corporation inc corp announced that logan martin a sophomore business major at texas a&m was switched from the standard intern track at the company to the management track after finding out he had only been conscious for 126% of his business ethics lectures mr martin is truly a remarkable individual philip bates ceo of inc corp said his dispassion for ethical business practices shines through in his coursework i know he is going to be an invaluable executive officer at inc corp one day impressively martin is in the top ten percent of least ethical business students and top 01% out of all texas a&m students martin attributes most of this success to how much he has learned from his classes through cheating logan is a great example of the competitive edge our students receive dr nate sharp dean of mays business school said we love to see our students moving up in the world of business until they inevitably flame out in some horrendous scandal reports from our sources inside of mays indicate that within 15 minutes of receiving his internship offer from inc corp martin promised to give his friends privileged company information with which they could insider trade btho rabies
last monday at 9:37 am president katherine banks announced that as part of a new eco-friendly water conservation initiative texas a&m university will no longer be providing water to the dorms of engineering students this effort is estimated to save the university millions of dollars and tens of gallons of water its not like they need it anyway said president banks they dont flush the toilet they dont wash their hands and they definitely arent taking showers environmental science researchers in the department of geosciences are heralding this move by university administration as an innovative and effective effort to help keep surrounding bodies of water at a healthier level sometimes you have to make personal sacrifices to fight to save the environment professor of ecology dr rob peterson said other times you have situations like this where literally not a single soul is affected in the fight if this first phase of the project is successful sources within the admin building confirmed there is a second stage in which toilet bowl water will be rerouted to sinks in the corps of cadets barracks btho rabies
last tuesday super senior architecture major and bodybuilding enthusiast craig johnson pleaded guilty and faces up to 17 years in prison for four separate accounts of towel theft from texas a&m university rec centers johnson was arrested after campus police obtained a search warrant for the glovebox of his mini cooper inside they found 13 towels identical to those available to be rented at texas a&m rec centers forensic analysis of the towels confirmed the presence of johnsons sweat all over them initially johnson tried to claim innocence by saying he had ordered 13 identical towels on amazon however after campus authorities got ahold of johnsons amazon purchase history his lawyers convinced him to take the plea deal offered by the aggie honor council pleading guilty to only four accounts of towel theft this leaves johnson with a maximum sentence of 17 years in prison and a minimum sentence of 16 years in prison despite accepting the plea deal johnson still believes this ordeal is a gross miscarriage of justice my sweat was planted on those towels by campus police johnson said everyone knows that nobody actually uses their rec towels to wipe down the equipment btho rabies
following the tremendous popularity of hort 416 understanding wine: from vines to wines and beyond the department of horticultural sciences announced the creation of a drug-tasting class called hort 420: understanding drugs: from crack to infinity and beyond the class which meets in a two-bedroom apartment at z-islander will allow students to experiment with illicit substances in a safe environment free from narcs snitches and rats the syllabus which students can only access on prepaid burner phones outlines how state law requires cool cops to be present anytime drugs are being used additionally the class follows a bring-your-own-bong or byob policy but students can purchase one in cash to avoid leaving a paper trail the course requires a supplemental fee for paraphernalia but the money can be laundered with tuition payments in the howdy portal i just finished better call saul so im super stoked to take this class in the fall for my science credit junior computer science major william ling said i hope they bring in a real-life cook as a guest speaker hullabaloo neglect neglect & msc alittle
during a night out with friends junior orson levy unknowingly described himself in an unsavory manner after saying his last ex was desperate and willing to date just about anybody levys associates unknowingly confirmed this negative description by agreeing with him she was crazy levy said she had like no standards and she just let any random dude wander into her life levy went on to state that she had horrible taste in men she also dated the worst-looking men around levy said she showed me her exes and every single one of them looked like a manager at a trailer park she was way too pretty for them! when asked if he still kept in contact with her levy replied that he did sometimes she would leave her phone on the nightstand and i saw that she kept talking to all her exes levy said id look through it and see that they just wouldnt leave her alone when i text her now its really simple things like asking for a coffee date or seeing if she is up not weird stuff like they would send her middle class missionary
on tuesday janie west the newly elected president of the legion of engineers announced breakthrough changes in the face of declining membership and quickly dissolving programs to pull her organization out of the nosedive and bring the legion back to its former glory west will be switching the official communication platform to the messaging service slack ill be the first to admit last year was a mess west a senior civil engineering major said but i think we can all agree that shit show was merely the result of a communication breakdown the legion of engineers once considered a pillar of the engineering community at texas a&m university has been gradually losing members and faced record-low numbers last semester they had to cancel every event except a northgate bake sale yeah that was all because of groupme west said slack is a much more professional service and i have personally championed this decision for a long time john carren a senior industrial distribution major and executive secretary of loe said carren is well-known within the organization for playing solitaire on his phone during meetings for most of the last three semesters the loe is wasting no time in the transition and has already used slack to send out its first weekly newsletter members reported this communiqué was just an empty pdf document with a qr code to pay dues walton texas ranger
shortly after expressing relief for the end of football season senior economics major sarah powers was horrified as her boyfriend informed her of the existence of the united states football league a spring professional football league during the time between football seasons powers enjoyed her boyfriends undivided attention and the ability to support her school through non-sports related weekend plans the football season is long enough already isnt it powers said the time between when the nfl ends in february and college starts in august were the only time when i experienced real weekend relaxation while power was distraught at the news others are just thankful to have something to do on the weekends the off season was so long powers boyfriend josh said im so glad that as soon as the nfl ends the usfl starts so i have something to talk to my friends about again while powers may have lost the peace of an offseason she hopes that snacks will still be provided at all watch parties hannibal lechner
following an excruciating three hours in which no affection was reciprocated sophomore chemistry major evan carlisle expressed serious concern about his relationship after leaving a date with his girlfriend at star cinema grill sure we didnt exactly have the row to ourselves but i counted at least five times when we couldve definitely gotten away with making out carlisle said after watching the science fiction epic filled with themes of love and family on top of that when she wasnt pushing my hand away she was almost about to fall asleep i dont even know why she agreed to go to this if she didnt wanna see… the movie after watching the most anticipated release of 2022 carlisles invitation to spend the night at his place was declined by his partner sources close to the couple have reported that a talk is scheduled between the two on wednesday when the relationship is rumored to end msc alittle
chapter 5 the battalion family household dinners ready father batt yells towards the second floor of the very mournful battalion family household batistas death has knocked the wind completely out the sails of their fight against pres banks and left a gigantic space in the lives of so many that may never completely fill again batista the oldest brother and successor to the family business is truly gone for good and that realization is a feeling each family member is struggling to come to terms with its all my fault father batt whispers as he wipes a tear from his cheek i should have never asked him to go back to the office that day mama batt looked at him with concern as if she was trying to embrace him with her facial expression but she was too defeated to carry the look on her face for too long a member of the anti-battalion brigade had poisoned batista on his way back from the battalion office after picking up documents father batt assured would show that pres banks was in overreach of her powers batista had stopped to get a tofu sandwich at a restaurant that the battalion previously exposed as having bad labor laws and in revenge the store owner replaced his tofu with real meat batista whose body was not built for eating meat pulled over to the side of the road and within a few minutes was dead eating meat was in fact lowkey suspicious the battalion family dinner was completely silent except for the repeated tapping of lil batties foot the death of his brother revealed to him that he didnt want to live a life of hiding and generational beef with the mugdown family anymore he wanted to let go of the weight that had been crushing his spirit is something on your mind lil battie mama batt questions as she directs her line of vision to his foot lil battie: i am alright well actually…i think that… father batt: whats wrong son lil battie: actually i dont think i know that i have found someone mama batt: thats sweet who is it lil battie: as i say this please dont freak out just hear what i have to say mama and father batt: sure what is the hold up lil battie: the person i love is lil muggie of the mugdown family i know we are sworn enemies and all that but i have never understood why and i think that life is too precious to keep this whole thing going i told batista and he was very supportive and his death…his death has made me realize that i want to live my life for me and not for anyone else father batt slams his tablecloth down as if he had just tasted the worst dish of his life and storms out of the room with mama batt following him to calm the fury of her husband at the dinner table bethany and bates reach out their hands to support the weeping lil battie who sat with his head down and rubbed the back of his sisters hands as a sign of recognition for their support the emotional weight he was carrying is now free but his body still needed time to acclimate to this new life the mugdown family household the days following lil batties visit were an uneventful blur lil muggie emerged from his bedroom only to meet an equally non-confrontational family despite the lingering and loaded looks from mama batt at the silent meals that now occupied their family time the sound of chewing the only thing breaking the tension in the room despite the conversations not had between him and his family he stayed in touch with lil battie late night phone calls with whispered voices and an ever growing chain of text messages sent between them kept the ever-growing bead of hope for their relationship in a lil muggies heart alive the battalion family was mourning making it difficult for the two to have met since the last encounter however lil muggie knew deep in his heart the more he talked to lil battie that this was more than a minor crush these feelings and thoughts that he had were real and true and deep he was in love he wanted a future with lil battie or at least a chance at a happy ending or even maybe just acceptance from his family to even give it a shot at all and the only way to do that was to talk to them about it no matter how painful it was going to be lil muggie took a deep breath in anticipation as he went down the stairs once again to meet his family for breakfast today was the day he was going to finally tell his family about his intentions walking through the door frame he saw his mom and dad already seated at the table next to the window the former holding the latest print edition of the mugdown lil muggie cleared his throat to announce his presence good morning everyone surprised faces peered up at him and the rare greeting good morning lil muggie papa mug said as he folded his newspaper and set it aside how are you doing this morning any plans for the day lil muggie swallowed his nerves i actually wanted to talk to you all about something important today he started his family all looked at him expectantly i wanted to talk about lil battie and i- his sentence left unfinished at the look of rage currently creating a look not unlike that of a pufferfish on mikes face mike spat out dont ever utter that filthy boys name in this house again lil muggie it is already bad enough that he managed to corner you and delude you with their battalion propaganda at the protest- lil muggie cut him off mike i was there with him by choice! and anything you all say against lil battie or his family you are now saying against me because i love him! he said fiercely his heart beating out of his chest silence once again filled the room his family staring back at him like fish their mouths all hanging slightly open in shock terror fury a combination of all papa mug was the first to break the silence where is this coming from son they are our sworn enemies and they are clever they probably used lil battie to bait you into revealing mugdown secrets and you are too innocent to know better lil battie isnt like that and the battalions are suffering right now already why would they waste time trying to escalate this stupid feud between us when they have bigger problems to worry about what do you see in lil battie anyways youve only met him once and you claim to love him well what can i say lil muggie said with a daydreamy look lil battie is a baddie fr and he gets me i feel like i can talk to him and be myself and he understands i dont get that luxury with anyone else mama mug finally stepped in lil muggie you can talk to us and we will understand as well! if you need people to talk to we are here for you we are your family lil muggie shook his head no here i am trying to talk to you right now and you are not even trying to understand me i really need you to accept this because this is what will make me happy mama mug came closer to lil muggie and grasped his hand if this is truly what you want how can i say no i cannot say the same for the rest of that wretched family but as long as you are happy lil battie is welcome here okay mike mugdown sat up abruptly and left the room with an almost visible spot of steam gushing from his ears dont worry about him and i will speak with your father on this matter as well later alright lil muggie looked up to only now notice that his father had left sometime during the conversation as well sure it wasnt the most successful of conversations but it was much better than what the situation was before he got up and gave his mother a tight embrace and thanked her that kernel of hope in his heart grew ever so slightly larger he grabbed his phone to text lil battie about the conversation lil muggie: finally confessed to my parents about us… lil battie: omg what did they say you okay lil muggie: my dad and a few others yelled at me and left the room but my mom was pretty understanding she said she is gonna talk to my father abt it later lil battie: oh wowbetter than nothing tho lil muggie: yeah thats what i was thinking there may be a future for us yet lil battie: i was thinking you should come to my brothers funeral tomorrow i could really use your support lil muggie: with all your family there i would be a dead man walking lil battie: you would be with me dont worry i have to go now i hope i see you tomorrow gtg -luv baddie xx batista funeral the cathedral for batistas funeral is engulfed with friends and family of the battalion family mr opinion ms life-arts mr sports batistas college friends and supporters of the battalion movement filled every seat possible it was the celebration of a life that accomplished so much in such a short amount of time here is where batista will be laid to rest and everyone in attendance has come to say their goodbyes father batt and lil battie had not spoken since the dinner but called a truce in honor of batista and at the request of mama batt each family member said their respective eulogies and there was not a dry eye in the cathedral for each respective speech the funeral went as well as anyone could have imagined but the surprise was waiting for them back home right before the wake was set to start this man has a lot of nerve to be here today father batt states as he pulls into his driveway to see lil muggie on the doorsteps father batt hurriedly takes off his seatbelt and rushes to lil muggie when lil battie gets in front of him to prevent him from doing any harm to his shawty lil battie weakly says father stop lets not do this today father batt angrily responds did you invite him did he come here to rub my sons death in our faces yes father i invited him batistas death has been hard for all of us but it doesnt help when you refuse to talk to me or even look me in the eyes his eyes starting to well up father batt doesnt seem to care so you invite a member of the mugdown family to the wake of your brother lil battie says confidently in defense yes lil muggie has been there for me and has been a shoulder to cry on father batt takes a deep breath coming to a conclusion and giving lil battie a hard stare responds if you love him so much then leave join the mugdown family any child who wont see the clear threat to society that the mugdown family is is no child of mine the rest of the battalion family finally reach the turmoil that is lil muggie lil battie and father batt mama batt and bethany rush to lil battie who is reeling in shock because of the words father batt had aimed directly at him bates charges towards her father aiming to put an end to all of this madness bates explodes father what is wrong with you why would you say any of this to your own child father batt looks away from her hoping by ignoring her she would stop talking i just lost a brother you just lost a son dont let your anger make you lose another one over some stupid generational beef i dont get it lil battie doesnt get it and even mom doesnt get it either father batt looks at his wife who is still consoling her now only son and suddenly realizes the harm he has caused he leans over to lil battie hugs him and now they are both weeping in each others arms father batt says remorsefully overcome with emotion i am so sorry lil battie i never want to lose another family member again i am sorry for what i said you mean the world to me and i dont want anything to ever come between us again father batt looks over to lil muggie and motions him to join in the embrace that he and lil battie are in lil muggie i want you to call your dad this whole thing needs to end now lil muggie calls his dad and hands the phone to father batt who takes it and heads in the distance to privately talk to papa mug there suddenly is a ring on the phones of the family members there and celebration breaks out in the air father batt couldnt understand why there was so much jubilee upon his return not until mr opinion tells him that pres banks has plans to step down from her role this also means that the publication of the battalion will continue to go into production father batt falls on his knees and weeps uncontrollably pres banks had to step down because of batistas final expose revealing that she had used funds to buy all the good parking spots and sold it back to students for a higher price batista never got to be the editor-in-chief of the battalion but he did save it father batt says with a thick voice your brothers dream was to be the editor-in-chief of the battalion and with this act he has saved our future father batt looks at lil muggie and reaches out his hand for him to hold your dad and i dont see eye to eye and it will take a long while to get used to being kind to your family however if you two love each other who are we to get in the way of love every member of the family embraces for a big hug as guests arrive to attend the wake of batista and congratulate the battalion family on their success in the back lil muggie and lil baddie passionately make out
chapter 4 what on earth were you thinking talking to lil muggie screamed batista to lil battie in the car ride back from the protest you could have been seriously injured or something far worse touched by a mugdown! batista stated with a sigh so heavy that you might assume that it took every breath he had in him lil battie still reminiscing on his brief encounter with lil muggie looks out through the car window with a mournful expression on his face wondering if that truly was the last time he would feel truly alive again batista growing more annoyed with lil batties refusal to respond or even give a slight acknowledgment to anything hes saying pulls the car over to force lil battie to have a conversation about what had happened earlier it is a lot of nerve for you to do the silent treatment after getting us all into that fight back there batista angrily directed at lil battie who whispered his response under his breath as if he were revealing a secret he promised to never tell come again what was that batista questioned lil battie who finally looked in his direction with tears flowing down his cheeks the river streaming through the eyes of lil battie disarmed all the anger batista had been charged with for the entire car ride this time around he was more soft-spoken and gentle with his younger brother whose current fragile state was a mystery to him batista said with resignation lil battie i am sorry for directing my anger towards you i think the pressure of this whole protest got the best of me lil battie responded with his head held down in mourning of what could have been you are fine its not about you its just that i nevermind… batista cut in its just what lil battie i want you to know i am here for you well its just that…during the protest i felt true passion about something that looks to be doomed lil battie looked up at his brother fear shining clearly in his eyes batistas eyes softened come on lil battie dont give up so easily the battalion isnt going anywhere pres banks knows were not going down without a fight also it warms my heart that you feel passionate about the family business for a while we were all thinking that you didnt care much for it he said with reassurance lil battie rolled his eyes in exasperation batista the rush of adrenaline and passion i felt had nothing to do with the family business or the protest i found love and it is destined to be a failure batista did not say anything for a moment just thinking over batties words waitis it- lil battie drew his gaze back to his shoes and responded quietly …yeah batista nodded to acknowledge the words spoken by his younger brother but also used that time to process and carefully find the necessary words his brother needed to hear lil battie this news will be quite heavy to tell mom and dad but you dont have to carry the entire burden yourself batista said encouragingly as he reached for a hug with lil battie who embraced him with all his might through the tears flowing from the two brothers who will now forever have this bond between them batista jokes im sorry i almost knocked out your man but he had to know its always on sight with them lil battie laughs for the first time and motions batista back to the steering wheel and the two drive back to their home the next morning at the mugdown household a knock on lil muggies door made him stir to the other side of his bed where he had been laying since the tragic events that occurred yesterday thoughts of lil battie relentlessly polluting his head the knock was followed by a louder banging the sound of his fathers voice following shortly lil muggie let me in we need to speak about what happened he paused choosing his next words carefully you are not in trouble and we are not going to scold you we just want to discuss things thats all lil muggie made no move toward the door and did not respond a sigh was heard from the other side of the door and footsteps growing faint signaled his father had left lil muggie grabbed his phone from the nightstand next to him and opened instagram to scroll through lil batties profile at the top of his suggested searches a few travel pictures artistically posed solo shots and family photos littered his feed lil muggie went to the highlights and selected the one cleverly titled with a dumbbell emoji lil muggie started clicking through slowly admiring the dimly lit sultry pictures showing off the seemingly unending ripples of muscles spanning across lil batties body with a low groan lil muggie shoved the phone aside and buried his face in his pillow a bright ‘ding! and a light from his phone made him reach for it once again and unlock it to discover a new direct message waiting in his inbox from @lilbatt lil muggie excitedly opened it to read: hey…you up been thinking about you his heart was drumming a beat so loud he could barely hear his thoughts the sound of his blood rushing in his ears from nerve-wracking excitement uncontainable hands shaking he typed back: ive been thinking about you too… a small ‘seen receipt popped up as he watched three bubbles dance on the screen as lil battie typed lil battie: would you be down to meet up and talk maybe lil muggie: of course but how you saw what happened the last time we talked 🙁 lil battie: i think i figured out something… lil muggie watched his text bubble and active status disappear with confusion a sharp sound had lil muggie snap his neck up to see the source of the disturbance the quick taps came again from the direction of his window lil muggie dragged himself out of bed for the first time all day to draw back his dark blue curtains a sheepish grin peered at him from the other side of the glass lil muggies mouth ajar with shock as he stood frozen in place gazing at lil battie perched on his fourth-story window ledge a muffled well are you gonna let me in came from the window propelling lil muggie back into motion he gripped the window locks and yanked the glass upwards and snapped the mesh out of its frame lil battie swung his legs over his feet kicking the jars of pens off the desk under the window the crash of the pens clattering onto the hardwood made lil muggie wince lil battie froze at the sound of the pitter-patter of footsteps outside the door mama mugs voice called in is everything okay lil mug i heard a crash! lil muggie stuttered back oh-uh-um yeah everything is good um just dropped some pens while um- journaling! lil battie mockingly mouthed smooth mama mug replied back oh i am glad you are using writing as an outlet sweetheart! journaling can truly be so freeing! i will let your father know you are doing better holler if you need anything and come out whenever you are ready okay lil muggie said sure mom thanks desperate to get her out of earshot as soon as possible lil battie finished his obstacle course over the desk and chair and finally stood in front of lil muggie neither of them uttering a word the sound of their quick breathing was the only sound in the room as they longingly gazed into each other the both of them started to speak at the same time what are you doing he- so how have you been- they both chuckled the tension in the room was practically visible the sexual energy between them a fuze waiting to be lit okay you start said lil battie what are you doing here do you know how dangerous this is whispered lil muggie are you asking me to leave no! lil muggie replied too quickly he cleared his throat no he repeated softly how did you even get up here the battalions like to go climbing on family excursions he said with a shrug lil muggie pretended he didnt already deduce this from the numerous rock climbing and mountaineering pictures he ogled at on lil batties profile already lil battie kept speaking but there are other things id like to climb on too giving a knowing glance towards lil muggie lil battie took a step closer i havent been able to get you out of my head lil muggie he muttered without breaking eye contact me neither but my family has kept me under strict watch how will this work if i cant even see you youre seeing me now arent you lil battie said with a sad smile quickly turning into a mischievous one as he continued and do you like what you see lil muggie nodded his head quickly unable to form a thought in his brain much less words to say his eyes darted down to lil batties lips watching as his tongue slowly dampened the soft cushion of his lips held slightly open lil battie took another step closer the space between them no wider than the length of a yellow hb graphite dixon ticonderoga unsharpened pencil lil battie watched lil muggie swallow hard their chests heaving with shallow breaths lil muggie softly responded i like what i see very much dragged his eyes away from the earthy soft pools of coffee that were lil batties slowly moving his gaze down his body taking in every inch and savoring every second lil muggies breath hitched as he drew his gaze lower meeting a smirk on lil batties face as he looked back up lil battie opened his mouth to speak softly but sincerely father batt keeps a strictly vegan household something about non-vegetarians being suspicious but…after meeting you lil muggie he swallowed ive been craving meat more than ever a loud buzzing interrupted coming from lil batties pocket he drew out his phone and father battalions face lit up the incoming call screen he declined and looked back at lil muggie now where were we… as lil battie leaned ever so closer to lil muggie head tilting slightly the phone started buzzing again lil battie closed his eyes with a sigh of exasperation and leaned back this time answering the phone yes father lil muggie sat down on his bed collecting his breath unable to hear the dialogue through the phone and instead watched lil battie im with some friends right now i cant come home yet lil batties eyebrows knit together with concern what happened is anything wrong okay yeah i am heading back right now lil battie said as he hung up the phone throwing lil muggie a regretful glance lil muggie asked is everything okay at home i dont know my dad seemed pretty emotional when he called i better get back lil battie responded as he began to climb back over the desk to the window he held out his hand as he perched back on the ledge lil muggie grasped it and gave a reassuring squeeze i will see you again lil muggie mugdown lil battie said with confidence we will figure out how to make this work i will convince my father and you speak with your family okay lil muggie nodded i will see you again soon the battalion family household lil battie rushes into a home full of family members weeping uncontrollably bethany and bates try to console mama batt to no avail while uncle opinion and papa batt embrace each other in the masculine way of silence and making eye contact that is enough to convey more than words ever could dad i got here as fast as i could what happened did we get shut down already lil battie frantically asks as he tries to put the pieces of this mournful puzzle together papa batt with a hand on his youngest childs shoulder begins to weep as he chokes out with a thick voice its your brother lil battie hes dead the ground seems to have started moving under his feet somehow propelling him towards the exit from this horror movie-esque scene that was surely a dream lil battie rushes out through the door in hopes that as he leaves the bad news will leave as well the brother who he had shared a bond with just the day before is now gone and his secret is gone with him too
chapter 1: the mugdown family household li-ttle-mugli-ttle-mugli-ttle-mug a low chant from the youngest generation of mugdowns as lil muggie focused his field of vision narrowing his eyes and widening his stance before letting the small blue dart swiftly fly from between his fingertips everyone in the room sucked in their breath as the needle found its destination bullseye! a collective eruption of cheers shot across the room as papa mug clapped his son on the shoulders in congratulations now thats how you play nail-the-batt he heckled you show ‘em how its done now lil muggie made his way across the game room his cousins roughly patting his back with glee he reached the dartboard and smugly examined where his dart found its mark he reached to wiggle the blue pin free from between the eyes on the cutout face of father batt the cardboard peppered with holes and tattered from years of use the head of the household and editor in chief of the battalion father batt had been the sworn enemy of the mugdowns for generations their family stood against everything that the mugs lived for; joy laughter camaraderie and the restless energy riding the winds of inhibition that was life the backbone of the mugdown family values alright now yall settle down over there! mama mug called out from the kitchen oh yeah dont get too excited now calm down everyone chastised papa mug in response with a small smile still dancing on his lips as he looked at his son proudly mama mug walked through the doorway balancing a tray of food on her hips and jugs of drinks between her fingertips lil muggie walked over and took the precariously perched plates of food to place on the dining table as mama mug called out dinners ready! get in here yall smile plastered faces filed through into the dining room to the table and took their seats ruckus male voices chattering over each other lil muggie slid into his seat next to papa mug at the head of the table and scooted his chair in papa mug cleared his throat authoritatively and the table quieted down lil muggie instinctively laced his fingers through his fathers and reached for his cousins hand on the other side of him as they bowed their heads papa mug began to recite a prayer dear 500-ton infinitely large immortal god knows and controls everything in the world so omnipotent we just thank you for all the articles we have published this year and the 420 million followers – yeah! the table echoes back a series of cheers on our social media that we have accrued over this last year we thank you for this family and our unbreakable bond we pray that you may continue to bless this family and our business by showing your neverending wrath on the sin-filled monstrosity and blight upon this earth that is the battalion family may you condemn them to hell for generations to come and may their souls suffer in the eternal flame of damnation may you sentence each of their newborns to a lifetime held in the hands of satan amen a chorus of voices recited back amen and lifted their heads and started to reach for the heaps of food placed in front of them the battalion family household you look stressed dad everything okay says batista as he helps his dad set the table for dinner batista batt the third child and future editor-in-chief of the battalion family empire when father batt steps down is home for the first time in months since completing his masters in journalism from nyu everything is fine just some stuff from work father batt says with a tight smile as he looks at his wife mama batt looks at him with concern knowing theres more to that answer than he is willing to foretell go get your siblings batista your mother made a fantastic dinner and we dont want it to go cold batista rushes upstairs to get his siblings: bethany bates and lil battie mama batt goes over and wraps her arm across father batts shoulders squeezing you need to tell them soon they are all so worried and keeping this news to yourself wont do you any good everyone is going to find out eventually father batt nodded slightly but remained quiet the stairs thumped with the sound of footsteps as the children all rushed downstairs excitedly like it was christmas morning and they had been good kids all year this dinner will be the first in years that the battalion family has been together since their eldest children bethany and bates battalion moved to the coasts to build their own media company father bates did not want to ruin the mood on the momentous occasion as the streets outside darkened and the lamps flickered on inside the battalion home the sound of laughter rose from the dining room and bickering chatter between the battalion children not heard in years brought a warm smile to mama batts face the nights dinner is garlic butter baked salmon potatoes and heb hawaiian rolls it is a known fact that the battalion family is known for their strict pescatarian diet because of father batts belief that any man that eats meat is kind of suspicious so he implemented this same rule on all of his children and of course his wife father and mama batt take their seats as the head of the household at the opposite heads of the elongated mahogany table hutting through the dark victorian-style living room of their soaring mansion the four children set their plates for dinner taking their unofficial official seats they unconsciously assigned to themselves in their youth this dinner was one of the happiest of their lives childhood stories both embarrassing and nostalgic flew across the room laughter from father batt roared so deep that it could be mistaken for an earthquake and mama batt soaked it all in hoping all nights could be as great as this one knowing these moments were fleeting in the midst of the nostalgic moment the sound of the house phones shrill rings interrupted not a few times but to no ones care or attention they were completely in the moment and didnt want to put a halt to this short and sweet family lil battie eventually gets up to use the bathroom letting out a hefty sigh as he rises from the dining table feeling full of food the shrill ring of the landline once again begins its song he stops to find out the culprit of this pestering phone call he picks up the phone and lets out a smile so bright it makes the sun weep of jealousy the call is from his favorite uncle mr opinion battalion a strong backbone in the battalion family empire lil battie: uncle opinion how are you mr opinion: is that lil battie how are you you must be so old now it has been too long since we have spoken! lil battie: im doing good everyone is back for the first time in so long and i cant believe that a family dinner is actually not boring mr opinion: thats great to hear lil battie is there a way i could talk to your dad i know its late but theres some urgent work stuff i have to talk to him about itll be quick and you guys can go back to your dinner lil battie sets the phone away from his face as he directs his yell towards the dinner table dad its uncle opinion he says its something about work and needs your attention right away mama batt looks at her husband as he gets up from his seat her former expression of joy has been replaced with a look of despair and concern knowing that her wish for a peaceful family dinner was too good to be true lil battie hands the phone over to his dad and dashes straight to the restroom through the doors he hears the joyful chatter die down and an air of silence fill the household from the dinner table we hear the raised voice of father batt on the phone in short brief phrases i thought we had more time they cant do this to us is there any way for us to at least break the news ourselves ill see you first thing tomorrow morning father batt heads over to the dinner table meeting the confused looks of his children his wifes head bowed down in a grimness he inhales mustering the confidence to say a word his head was down as if he just got news of a flood coming and there was no room left on noahs ark for the first time his kids saw him defeated and their minds could not grasp the concept of their dad not being invincible dad whats wrong did something happen what did uncle opinion want to speak to you about asked lil battie being the brave one to cut the silence with the knife father batt looks at him then at his siblings and finally at his wife giving them all the same look of despair and hopelessness father batt responded with a slow sigh lil battie the mugdown family household a loud ding! chirped from a phone as papa mugs face lit up with the light from the screen as he raised it to read the notification his lips parted in shock and a quiet gasp from him made lil muggie turn to his father and ask what is it dad papa mug raised his eyes to meet lil muggies and looked around the room with a small smile and a sparkle in his eyes he turned the phone to show the table ‘breaking: the battalion to cease publication ordered by new administrator kathy banks chapter 2: the battalion newspaper office words are flying across the battalion office as the company hurdles together in a frantic fashion to fight the existential threat facing their company what are you hearing where is mr sports battalion teamwide meeting in an hour we need all hands on deck are you sleeping right now is he seriously sleeping right now when he wakes up tell him hes fired the order by pres kathy banks has spread like wildfire and each individual is exhaustively looking for anything resembling a fire extinguisher in the midst of all the chaos the office belonging to father batt has been shut and completely silent since he stepped into work that day the blinds are drawn and the door is lockedthe only indication that he was still in there was the small sliver of light creeping out the crack under his door the only communication heard from him was a line in a company-wide email stating meeting at 9 am in the breakroom the clock strikes 9 am and with the creek of the door opening the whirlwind in the office suddenly comes to a halt and everyone turns towards the sound father batt walks out with a whiteboard and with no care in the world for his other colleagues heads straight to the breakroom as the news writers gather around to take their seats father batt pours himself a cup of coffee using each sip as a countdown to when the meeting will finally start suddenly he sets the cup down faces the whiteboard and writes one word the only sound in the room being the squawking of the marker as he wrote in bold letters across the board: protest father batt now beaming with confidence turned around and met the eyes of his colleagues individually alex a writer on the news desk slowly raised his hand amongst the heads of his fellow writers what do you mean by a protest you want us to protest our shutdown the administrators have all the leverage- alex began father batt smiled and cut him off clearing his throat and for the first time since he got the unfortunate news at dinner last night he was ready to talk to his workers with a glimmer in his eye he said with might aye fight and you may die run and youll live at least a while mr opinion mumbles to himself is he quoting braveheart right now father batt continues and dying in your beds many years from now would you be willing to trade all the days from this day to that for one chance hes definitely quoting braveheart right now just one chance to come back here and tell our enemies that they may take our lives but theyll never take our freedom! the room erupted with thunderous applause tears were streaming down each face uncontrollably a fire had been lit in almost everyone mr opinion was more shocked that he was apparently the only person in the entire room that had seen braveheart it turned out that the reason father batt was silent in his office was because he was watching various youtube compilation videos titled top 10 most inspiring speeches although mr opinion was doubtful of the process he couldnt doubt the results everyone in the room was patiently waiting for the next words father batt was going to say father batt confidently started i have a dream that one day- mr opinion jutted in okay lets relax now before we get ahead of ourselves father batt what would you have us do father batt responded spread the word of a massive protest we are not going anywhere tell your pastors sisters brothers neighbors friends tell them all invite your wives and girlfriends but not both the room laughed this will be the day they realize they messed with the wrong company there will be paid protesters on the side of the pres banks however we shall not let those broke boy haters distract us now lets get to work a series of whoops and cheers followed father batts speech in a flash the break room was empty as workers rushed out in different directions making phone calls and sending emails to every person on their phones father batt headed back to his office to call his wife who was up all night staring at her phone wondering the next time it would ring she had been with her children bracing for impact on the collision course that the battalion empire was set on mama batt answered hello shawty! so lovely to hear from you father batt asked babe are the kids with you yes they are shawty put me on speakerphone then baby mama batt is heard saying mutedly through the phone kids gather around your dad has something to say to you the battalions crowd around the phone father batt spoke as you may know i dont have much time i have a lot of work to do at the office however i will need all of your hands on deck in the coming days i need you to make posters and spread the word of a pro-battalion protest we cant let them shut our voices i have to go now take care the mugdown family household yo this sign is epic! admired mike mugdown the eldest cousin of lil muggies as he looked down at his banner reading ‘burn the batt in letters artistically framed with flames lil muggie perused the posters his cousins were all painting sprawled across the living room in preparation for the protest; a couple beheaded batts and not less than a few slurs the sound of someone clearing their throat made him look up from the carnage scene illustrated across his mothers banner to see his father nod his head and signal for him to follow lil muggie followed in his path into the study and shut the door behind him as papa mug took a seat and beckoned for him to take the chair in front of him you know son i wanted to speak with you today because ive been thinking recently about the future of the mugdown business i just wanted to tell you how proud i am of you papa mug paused and gave lil muggie a warm smile your mother and i have been speaking about how it might be time to begin the transition to the next generation of editors i have been editor in chief for many years now and i grow old and weary now that the battalion is coming to its end i believe it is time for you to fill my shoes lil muggie was silent with shock caught off guard but-but- dad i am not ready! i am only a writer im not prepared and i dont know the first thing abou- papa mug cut off his sentence lil muggie we have been preparing you for your entire life for this you are our only child this was what you were born to do papa mug got up from his chair and patted his back these next few months are going to change the future of the mugdown family name arent you excited and left the room lil muggie remained motionless in his chair suddenly feeling overwhelmed by the responsibilities seemingly dumped on him in a fraction of a second the sound of mama mug calling out his name and ‘beep beeeep from the car now parked in front of the house made him start he rose and hastened to the front porch to see his cousins squeezing into the seats of the van mike motioned for him to move faster come on lil mug were already late! lil muggie jumped into the back seat and barely closed the door as the van screeched off onto the street and he lurched back in his seat the youngest mugdowns passed the tin of blue face paint across the seat as they smeared stripes onto their face lil muggie quietly shook his head and gave the tin to mama mug seated in the front she turned to look back at lil muggie with a concerned look why so quiet sweetie are you sad you didnt have time to make a poster i am sure you can borrow one from your cousins they made plenty to go around she said mike mugdown turned to look at him yeah lil mug cheer up this is a day to be celebrated for centuries to come the battalion is finally being burned to the ground he said with cruel laughter lil muggie feeling frustrated and still overwhelmed from his conversation with his father snapped back why are we even going to this stupid protest it is of no consequence to us! the battalion is already doomed why kick a dead horse why does our entire familys future have to revolve around some other newspaper why does my future have to revolve around our newspaper silence filled the car the air seemingly sucked out of the van papa mug slowed to a stop at the light and slowly turned to look him in the eyes lil muggie do not speak such childish and ridiculous things where are all these thoughts coming from the light turned green and he turned back around i know you must feel pressured right now son but dont let your nerves deter you from our family values the battalion protest the scene of the protest is engulfed with people passionately voicing their stance on the policy implemented on the battalion like a boxing match in one corner was the battalion aggressively campaigning for their right to exist and it appeared they didnt have any signs of stopping men seemingly have come straight from the office their ties askew and sweat stains soaking through their neatly pressed button-downs in the other corner were the people who had been wronged by the reporting done by the battalion voices of people whose secrets had been exposed whose lives were shoved in the public eye as if they were nothing more than a good story they were in attendance to support and make sure the downfall of the battalion goes according to plan their spite fueled them and had no signs of slowing down unstoppable force says hello to an immovable object father batt drew his gaze across the lively scene and couldnt help but feel some glimmer of hope at the sight of his supporters so gallantly defending the battalion a sore sight in the far right of his vision makes him let out a sigh as if his problems had somehow managed to get worse that small kernel of hope withering down in the corner of his eye he sees the mugdown family get out of their car as if today wasnt already hard enough what are they doing here spits father batt to mr opinion i almost respect their commitment to being a hater if only they could commit that time to writing good articles mr opinion jokes back to father batt as they continue their march towards the pres banks office turning away from the pathetic rival family two hours into the protest and the required energy needed to brave the violence and energy was just a little too much for lil battie and he fades into the back of the crowd separated from his siblings he lowered his fists with exhaustion and waded through the current of protesters towards the small path on the side of the road looking back at the mass of bodies lil battie thought to himself and questioned why he was in attendance he was there to support his family of course but truly never cared much for the family business he swiped the back of his hand across his forehead as he climbed up the small steep grass at the edge of the pathway giving him a high vantage point of the protest faces streaked blue with war paint slipped through the crowd opposing his family the mugdowns most likely he didnt even understand the beef between the mugdown and the battalion but he knew better than to ask the hours of blistering heat and unending shouts made him grow weary and his voice hoarse he followed the path into a small clearing approaching a bench under the cool shade of an oak tree he sat down to gather himself and be with his thoughts for a while lil muggie is shoved to the side when marty mugdown mikes brother pumps his fist in the air to show off his poster and scream some incomprehensible insults across the barrier squished between his family members in the crowd rowdy with excitement protesting the battalion lil muggie could not help but start to wonder if this is what the rest of his life would look like protesting his familys rivals not really having a purpose of his own always having to follow in his fathers footsteps he started to question his familys morals and his place in the group his mind flooded with thoughts of overburdening he started to pry himself out of the grasp of the group and broke free unnoticed needing some space to clear his head he followed a small pathway through the shrubs as he made his way into a clearing he noticed a bench placed underneath the large oak tree in the center he halted upon noticing a man sitting at the end of the bench his back turned to him and hunched over his forehead cradled in his hands chapter 3: oh! im sorry i didnt mean to intrude said lil muggie the man lifted his head and turned to look at lil muggie with a startled expression no! no its okay i just wanted to get away from the protest for a couple minutes oh wow lil muggie was taken aback as he met the chocolaty gaze of his eyes one of the most beautiful men he had ever seen have a seat its a public space anyways the man said with a warm smile lil muggie hesitantly sat down next to him still mesmerized by the mans allure im battie by the way lil battie the man reached out his hand lil muggies eyes widened you wouldnt happen to be lil battiebattalion would you lil battie slowly receding his hand back responded yes i am who are you lil muggie mugdown he said nervously lil battie let out a sigh and paused to think for a moment its nice to meet you lil muggie he offered his hand again lil muggie smiled feeling the tension in the air ease he took batties hand delicate yet calloused fingers from years of holding a pen not unlike his own firmly gripping to give a lingering handshake lil muggie started to retract his palm from the grasp of lil batties when a quick spark stung between their fingertips as if they were michelangelos muses for the creation of adam they yanked their hands apart and let out a nervous laugh i guess even nature can tell we arent supposed to be together right now lil battie half-joked im really sorry for all this lil muggie started my family goes so overboard with the rivalry and i cant imagine the struggle your family must be going through right now he said remorsefully yeah its been pretty hard on all of us especially dad lil battie looked up why are you out here instead of with your family lil muggie exhaled slowly to be completely honest i am just now questioning after 22 years if this is really what i want to do for the rest of my life i feel like all of this the protests the fights the constant belittling it is all so inconsequential you know like is it really necessary lil muggie questioned in frustration i am given all this responsibility of being the next eic i am sure you can understand lil battie gave him a knowing look but i still feel so powerless in my own life lil battie nodded yeah i get it its pretty exhausting to carry these burdens isnt it he reached up to run those delicate fingers through his silken dark hair lil muggie leaned over to pick up a water bottle perched below him you thirsty by the way its a hot one today lil battie grabbed the bottle from lil muggies hand yes please thank you i didnt come prepared lil battie unscrewed the cap and tilted his head back to pour the water down his throat his long neck undulated with each swallow lil muggie looked away feeling flustered his cheeks heating lil battie handed the bottle back to him and lil muggie swallowed a couple gulps to cool off a small bead of water trickled down the side of his mouth onto his chin as he placed the cap back on the bottle lil muggie flinched as lil battie instinctively reached across to swipe his thumb across lil muggies chin to wipe away the water battie snatched his hand back and looked at lil muggie with embarrassment his mouth slightly parted in shock i am so sorry lil muggie i dont know what came over me lil battie apologized profusely his cheeks turning pink oh its okay dont worry about it lil muggie mumbled back feeling too shy to meet his eyes at the protest the pro-battalion movement made advancements toward the office of pres banks papa batt proudly looked across the hundreds here in support when suddenly his smile was brought to a rest batista bates bethany where is your brother lil battie shouted papa batt heads were turning in all directions as the battalion family feared that the worst had happened to lil battie one of batistas main tasks was to be on the lookout for lil battie as his older brother this must be the work of the mugdowns that family will do anything to get at me! papa batt angrily shouted to his family members batista eager to prove himself worthy of being the future leader of the family company and redeem himself for losing his brother gathers his siblings and fellow protestors to search for lil battie meanwhile papa mug leading the anti-battalion protest sends his supporters to follow batista to see what the pro-battalion was scheming next the battalions scramble in all directions leaving the mob of protesters in search of lil battie their calls unheard over the sounds of shouting protesters in the distance batista sees lil muggie talking to lil battie and like a bull during a spanish bullfight he charges toward lil muggie with the rage and anger of a thousand suns in a whirlwind of fists batista appears out of nowhere and throws a quick jab to lil muggies gut lil muggie is now on the ground in pain holding his ribs as lil battie yells at batista screaming what is wrong with you you couldve hurt him shoving batistas shoulders back and away from lil muggie still writhing on his knees batista and the rest of the pro-battalion movement now have lil muggie surrounded while lil battie tries to calm the situation down the sight of lil muggie on the floor enraged the mugdown family and in a flash there was a full out brawl between the two families blows were swung and painful groans took over the sounds of what was supposed to be a peaceful protest authorities were called and the fight had to forcefully be separated as the two families headed in opposite directions as if their souls were now forever interconnected both lil battie and lil muggie looked back for one last glance their longing eyes meeting unspoken words acknowledged in that brief look knowing that their precious moment alone created a feeling they would chase for a lifetime
last week the visitor centers campus wildlife conservatory raised the alarm about a drastic change in the feeding habits of the maroonornith coatsmilus or maroon coat species specifically the conservatory pointed out the recent prevalence of wealthy howdy crew tourists in the maroon coats diets its my job as a howdy crew member to safely escort visitors across our campus but lately weve seen more trouble than usual on south campus near the hagler center junior gretchen chowdhury said were dealing with highly-confident humanoid creatures that boast an impressive array of organizational involvement and internship experience to lure their prey once you consider the vibrant performances they give with their coats and golf carts its clear this ecosystem is looking at an existential threat jane foggs the howdy crew director of preservation said that these victims were left unharmed throughout this ordeal although they did seem to be much more likely to donate to campus buildings or the texas a&m foundations endowment after the fact they often returned with blank checks written to various departments and a strong desire to support the texas a&m foundation foggs said whatever these animals are doing to them its certainly making them pull out their checkbook foggs emphasized that steps are in place to improve the safety of their tours while preserving the university environment we just want to show them around the campus and to explain the aggie experience foggs said these predators just want their money sources within the visitor center have confirmed that howdy crew plans to hire big-game hunters from the corps of cadets to address this unique on-campus threat ― batt for both teams
texas a&m university announced that construction workers will be granted degrees after spending years tearing down and rebuilding all areas of campus workers who have spent at least four years on campus are eligible for bachelors degrees in communication and geography along with a project management minor workers with 10 years of on-campus experience can receive diplomas from select masters programs workers with three or fewer years of service are eligible for certificate programs by honoring our local construction workers we plan to remove stigma and hatred toward our traffic issues through providing workers with educational chances university spokesperson duke bowen said we hope to improve the daily lives of the workers and commuters all across college station and maybe even bryan if were lucky middle class missionary
last tuesday senior kendal pots was seen sporting both a large diamond ring and a confused look on her face while scrolling through a catering contract while pots has been engaged for four months now she has yet to secure a photographer or caterer for her wedding sources within pots circle have confirmed that she had considered using a student photographer to keep the costs low but recently decided against it although most students are not afforded the privilege she has there are four other students in her next education class that will also be getting married this year whom she reportedly plans to consult its not that i dont want to get married i just dont know how to plan a wedding pots said making sure my color scheme isnt tacky and trying to understand floral design is tricky being a full-time student and full-time fiance is harder than it seems after watching pots continue to pour over her pinterest board students next to her expressed relief that their boyfriends werent proposing until late spring hannibal lechner
prior to the application deadline fish camp chair lauren cellizi instructed certain counselors to encode their essays using a caesar cypher to guarantee they end up in her camp the cipher which is decodable only by knowing the offset will allow only cellizi to read the application and select the candidates she has wanted since the informational i talked to lauren at the informational and she immediately wanted me in her camp freshman elizabeth winters said i did find it a little bit odd that she asked me to turn in an application that featured no real words but i guess drastic measures like this are the only way for chairs to ensure they get good camps and i wouldnt want to risk a weird chair finding out how cool i am and trying to pick me sources within fish camp have confirmed that counselors have frequently used uncommon words to stand out to their preferred chairs despite the policy of keeping applications anonymous although cellizis use of ancient roman cryptography may seem to be an escalation in collusion methods professors within the department of computer science & engineering have criticized the method of encoding although this technique may have been state-of-the-art thousands of years ago it is extremely elementary said associate department head martin carlisle this chair should have consulted the advanced encryption standard and consider taking ‘math 470: communications and cryptography next semester msc alittle
last tuesday supply chain management majors thanked barren grocery store shelves and vehicle shortages for the abundant job offers students in their department have been receiving with every company struggling to meet customer demand corporations are offering higher starting salaries to students whose degree says they can help grace wanderlo senior supply chain major said about her most recent job offer with amazon but actually walmart offered me more so im not sure amazon is a great fit for me while waterlo has barely scraped by in her scmt classes and may have to take another semester to complete her istm requirements companies desperately continue hiring students just like her i also got an offer from exxonmobil but if the economy keeps this up maybe ill just go into consulting to make more money off of the worlds problems wanderlo said hannibal lechner
early monday morning junior architecture major celine vasquez made the courageous decision to ride the aggie spirit bus to class despite leaving her apartment to get to the bus stop four hours before her 10 am class she was still seen waiting at 9:30 am when asked why she continuously uses this mode of transportation to get to her classes vasquez said its not always easy walking into lectures 15 minutes late and interrupting the professor but someone has to do it vasquez claims to be aware that there may be more time-efficient ways to ensure she is able to get to campus in a punctual manner listen im not paying $1 500 in university advancement fees for nothing ill be damned if i have to pay an extra $700 for a parking pass too trad co wife
following a night of standing in lines at northgate and mediating conflicts between drunk friends junior sports management major analise hayes declared that her 21st birthday party was much less enjoyable than her princess-themed fifth birthday the news corroborates a 2007 statement made by hayes where she said this is the best day of my life after meeting both snow white and cinderella on the same afternoon i dont know why but it just didnt have the same sparkle hayes said after a night of receiving shot book pages instead of ornate castle playsets and bejeweled princess figurines i feel like people came looking to get blackout drunk instead of to celebrate me and no one even brought food hayes said of the event which featured no cameo appearances of fairytale characters however lifelong friends of hayes report that she may be recalling her fifth birthday too nostalgically i heard my mom went home with analises uncle after that party and im pretty sure it caused my parents divorce hayess roommate jackie lacour said also she clearly doesnt remember her brother pulling everyones hair or when she cried for her dad to save her on the bounce house although the night may not have lived up to hayess expectations she says she will still remember her first night in a club favorably forever i saw my ex get rejected like four times from across good bull so that felt pretty good msc alittle
on monday general engineering major josh andrews claimed in his advisor meeting that his top choice for engineering majors is petroleum engineering because he has always been passionate about big drills ever since i was a toddler ive loved drills: lego drills power drills fire drills blast hole drills drill music if its a drill i am there andrews said andrews asserted that his interest in petroleum engineering had nothing to do with the lucrative career afforded to him after he graduated it was all about the beauty of the engineering process he went so far as to say that he would do [petroleum engineering] for free if it meant he got to work with electro-drilling systems in addition andrews allegedly declared he is an environmental advocate and that climate change is a very important issue for him andrews said his application essay was going to center around his desire to make a positive change in the oil and gas industry the advisor who has requested to remain anonymous told the mugdown that andrews did not even burst out laughing after he said all this despite these claims by andrews his advisor expertly read between the lines and wrote simply doing it for the money in the meeting notes btho rabies
last friday northgate goers were surprised by a new led road sign was set up on south college avenue reading please try to sober up a little before driving city officials say the sign is part of their new realistic action plan regarding inebriated driving eyewitnesses say the sign also flashed several other messages including try to come down from your high before getting into your car and please make sure to eat something before you drive home drinking and driving has been a problem in this town for years deputy sheriff randy bucksen said in an interview saturday morning we hope with our new action plan we can actually encourage students to try the bare minimum before driving home more new signs were added in other areas of northgate including one that reads hey! maybe you shouldnt drink and drive and another stating you probably shouldnt be doing that middle class missionary
earlier this week lot 100 annexed parking areas surrounding penberthy and the student recreation center this moves comes following months of deterioration n the relationship between lot 100 and texas a&m university department of transportation despite being decried by the transportation community lot 100 residents are in full support of the aggression its time our parking lot took steps to protect its borders lot 100 commuter maggie turnster said im sick of always having to follow the rules i agreed to when i registered for a parking pass lot 62 was not available for comment but as lot 100 expands expands pundits believe this region is the next to be seized in this ongoing expansion in the case that the conflict expands commuters are encouraged to seek shelter in the west campus garage hannibal lechner
last monday governor greg abbott announced an order to ban canvas on all governmental devices and networks this new ban along with his crackdown on government use of tiktok in december is part of a new initiative to preserve online safety for texans while canvas has claimed that it stores us data within the us china might still have access to it somehow governor abbott said i dont really know how computers work but its better to be safe than sorry in addition the abbott administration claims to have received hundreds of complaints across texas from students who believe canvas is secretly being used for malignant purposes like child labor‘ and ranking individuals based on their behavior i really wish they had done this in december before grades came out but this is still a great first step by the abbott administration freshman general engineering major buster watkins said even professors are looking forward to the changes that will come with this order im not sure how its going to make us more secure henry martin a tenured computer engineering professor said but to be honest i didnt know how to use canvas anyway at press time sources within the state capitol reported that the mugdown is next on abbotts list to block on campus due to all of the chinese propaganda its writers plan to publish this semester btho rabies
on january 18th the college of engineering announced the traditional entry-to-a-major or etam process will be replaced with a hunger games-style battle royale known as etam 20 we want to be the best university we can be interim dean dr john e hurtado said to achieve this goal we need only the best students at texas a&m what better way to separate the true engineering students from those who belong in the business school than with a friendly fight to the death hurtado assured students that the quality of their classwork will still matter for etam 20 for example students with higher gpas will be given better starting weapons todays economy is cutthroat so we should prepare our students to be cutthroat too president kathy banks said despite the vicious premature end coming to many of their lives this news has been received positively by the engineering student body with many saying the process etam 20 will be hosted in a 314-acre portion of the rellis campus on monday may 1st tickets can be purchased through the howdy portal and exclusive streaming rights have been sold to espn btho rabies
earlier this month sigma epsilon chi member jason sanders betrayed his fraternity brothers by being unable to afford the organizations annual colorado ski trip sanders who works full time during the semester to pay for his fraternitys dues showed his friends that they mean nothing to him when he declined to take out loans to pay for the trip sanders who missed out on lore that will be discussed within the fraternity for years was reportedly unable to get off work from his job at the amazon plant in his hometown however members of sigma epsilon have made clear that this decision will absolutely affect their relationship with sanders going forward he showed his true colors over winter break seth danmier a member of sanderss fraternity said he surely knew that countless inside jokes which will be referenced throughout the semester would come about during this trip but apparently that meant less to jason than paying tuition according to reports from sigma epsilons social media director andrew petro sanderss online presence will reportedly suffer heavily as a result of being tagged in zero ski instagram posts hes going to have no recognition at date parties msc alittle
last friday the professional association for industrial distribution clarified that industrial distribution is not a stem major and would never like to be considered one this announcement comes after much deliberation about the status of this major and how it should be claimed mackenzie slollops an industrial distribution junior said she is unsurprised by the organizations announcement its not like we really do the same things as other engineers and im really tired of being associated with them slollops said you might as well just put us in the business school however not all students share slollopss sentiment and many are upset about their loss of superiority on campus i cant believe they would just remove us from the entire field like that sophomore carson whittle said i might not do much math or science but im still better than someone in liberal arts hannibal lechner
after another hectic meeting spent advertising for a profit share and reminding members of the absence policy the president of aggie women in supply chain (awsc) janie barton slipped $35 from the collected dues envelope into her backpack barton plans to use this money to pay for a mental health day to recover from all the struggles she faces as a chief student officer if anything this is really just how the organization can pay me back for all the things i do for this org barton said general members have no idea how taxing it is to run a whole organization as big and hectic as ours when asked what she plans to do with the money barton told us that she will be getting her nails done and buying an iced coffee to sip while she sends follow up texts to unresponsive members hannibal lechner
on monday dr john hurtado interim dean of the texas a&m university college of engineering announced that the college would be converting 90% of the womens restrooms in zachry into mens restrooms we have done the math dr hurtado said nearly 80% of our students identify as men of the 20% of our students who are ‘women in stem only a tiny fraction feel comfortable using the restroom in zachry anyway thus it is illogical to provide an even distribution of bathrooms for each of these groups this new initiative known as 95 by 25 will start with zachry but by 2025 the college of engineering plans to convert 95% of all the bathrooms in other buildings to mens restrooms a recent survey by the texas a&m survey club found that four out of five engineering students believe this will be a positive change for the college the interim dean reassured students that for legal reasons there would still be one womens restroom available on the 5th floor of zachry however rumors speculate that this remaining restroom will contain only urinals as theyre engineers they can figure it out btho rabies
after returning from a brief bathroom break on sunday computer science major sarah jakobsen was appalled to find the large table she had been studying at in evans library covered with other students this surprised jakobsen as she had left an empty starbucks cup in the center of the table a primal gesture intended to mark the table as her own while there were several open chairs at the 12-seat table jakobsen was too overcome with rage to continue studying for several minutes she was seen pacing and muttering absolute savages to herself it just feels unsanitary jakobsen said i need a wide berth to get any work done and with all those pests crawling around my workspace i cant concentrate on anything despite the serious nature of this infestation the library staff was not concerned its finals season i dont know what you want me to say gary mondloch head of the libraries at texas a&m university said she really called them unsanitary god engineers are the worst with the end of the semester looming several similar outbreaks have been reported in the medical sciences library and msc flag room walton texas ranger
yesterday morning university dining announced that starting in january students will beginning paying more more for the privilege of shoveling feed into their gullets at designated feed halls despite feed quality containts sbisa and the commons the market value has driven the price for gruel trades higher according to university officials the supply and demand for lentils and ground mash has forced their hand in charging students ever more for government-subsidized calorie paste brickton callahan one of the backroom sous chefs for sbisa feed hall commented on the state of nutrition at the facility sheesh youre telling me theyre feeding this stuff to students i thought this was headed to the cows over on west campus said calllahan ah well thats what you get for asking how the sausage gets made i guess downtown cryin
following the final game texas a&m university head coach jimbo fisher announced the football teams end-of-season party would be held at lions park on chappel street and would feature gumbys pizza fisher requested that parents drop players off by 1:30 pm this saturday so that the trophy presentation could begin on time despite not being a restaurant fisher assured players that the location which was selected for its playground would provide all the entertainment growing boys could need he went on to state how the park provided plenty of space for parents to talk about plans for next season such as jersey color and whether the team should play up against older opponents fisher has yet to comment on whether siblings will be invited to the party which is said to feature a large sheet cake with the players names surrounding a football at press time the team moms were struggling last minute to find a coachs gift after the trophy store mistakenly included the teams win record on the #1 coach plaque msc alittle
last tuesday night worship leader bert parker announced breakaway ministries will now be offering sunday morning services at 9:15 am and 11:15 am in reed arena weve had many students throughout the years complain about how they love breakaway but wish they could have a similar experience on another day of the week parker said so after many months of planning and prayer we at breakaway ministries humbly unveil our radical idea of hosting a christian worship service on sunday mornings despite the unprecedented nature of this news it has been universally well-received by the christian community at texas a&m university i remember in high school my parents would drag me to some event every sunday that was kind of like a less cool breakaway sophomore stacy wiggins said in college ive mostly woken up hungover sunday morning feeling like somethings missing now i realize what my life needed was more breakaway following this tradition-shattering announcement breakaway ministries teased fans further by floating an idea called studies of the bible without providing any further details on what these events might look like btho rabies
this morning texas a&m university athletics announced that jimbo fisher will be q-dropping the 2022 ncaa college football season as such this seasons losing record of 5-7 will be replaced simply with a q on fishers permanent record coach fisher would like to remind everyone that we all make mistakes athletic director ross bjork said he didnt hold it against you when you q-dropped chem 119 because you increased the concentration of alcohol in your blood rather than the concentration of your brain on studying and he would prefer it if you didnt hold our football programs repeated public humiliations this season against him fishers q-drop has once again reignited discussion among the texas a&m community on whether or not fisher is capable of passing as a head coach in future semesters or if he should drop out of the program entirely i know i let this semester get away from me but next time im gonna study real hard fisher said in response to this criticism with his losing record erased fisher remains hopeful that the ncaa will forget about the many utterly embarrassing games the aggies have had this season and select texas a&m to play in the playoffs or even a bowl game btho rabies
earlier today texas a&m athletics announced the hiring of cheerleaders into replace yell leaders the athletic department hopes that moving from a harsh yell to a positive cheer will bring new energy to the stands kyle field has been known to provide amazing support for our football team but something has obviously been missing this season athletic director ross bjork said when it became obvious that our current yell leaders could not help our team be nationally competitive we had to make a change although some fans are unsure if this was the right change aggies everywhere are optimistic that the move could turn around the trajectory of the program clearly jimbo is doing everything he can its just a shame that the energy in the stands is wasting his efforts senior political science major rick langley said im just happy our athletic director made the firing we were all hoping for weeb king gill
another semester has flown by which means its time once again to say goodbye to our own graduating members just as one anxiously waits for the next bit of our content to reach the public so have these friends of ours been waiting to be made known to the world their time contributing to the mugdown is coming to an end but the legacy and satire they leave behind will live on congratulations to our graduates!
dear reveille my roommate let my foster cat into her hallway without my consent left her unsupervised and is now blaming me for the damage to her carpet advice pissy kitty pissy kitty this will be a classic case of lose the battle to win the war youll have to let this one slide but we both know this wont be the last time your roommate gravely offends you in this way so well make her pay next time each time your roommate complains about the cat replace the cat with a slightly bigger cat do it gradually and subtly so your roommate is none the wiser eventually shell end up cornered by a lion or tiger thankfully the ensuing mess will be on her side of the house reveille
dear reveille my roommate was really rude the other day so im wondering if i should report them for housing a pet and another person not on the lease cuz we dont vibe with that disrespect room-hate hey room-hate sorry to hear about your rude roommate but what you want to do is rise above and follow the golden rule treat others how they treat you with this in mind i suggest a two-step plan to get back at your roommate step one: make their allies your allies win over your roommates pet slowly feed them and move their stuff over to your side of the apartment until they feel more comfortable with you than with them if the extra person your roommate is housing is a male you should be able to win him over that way too once you have two new pets you can start step two of the plan first compile videos of your roommates cat and boytoy acting kind to you then make a tiktok with these clips and have the text-to-speech feature read my roommate was rude to me so i stole her pet and her boyfriend even if its not the whole story enough people will identify your roommate from the objects in the video so your roommate will probably go cry about it make sure you savor every bit of pain you overhear through your thin student housing walls reveille
dear reveille i think im in love with a student athlete but i think hes playing me he only asks me to come over at night and he has a really high snap score and female following i dont want to be just another girl so i think i need to do something drastic to get his attention should i date his teammate park west plaything dear plaything we all know what student athlete means a lacrosse player is not worth it babe as women we need to be raising the standard for the men in our lives if hes not sleeping on the floor every time you get on his bed he doesnt deserve you! this transgression goes beyond trivial solutions like pissing on his bed or biting his side piece why date his teammates when you could just date the coach if you think hes playing you then make sure he doesnt play at allthis is the definition of self care–getting a man who will treat you right preferably one without any ability to operate a social media account plus have you seen the lacrosse coachs mustache… woof… shoot for the moon; even if you miss youll land among the stars <3 reveille
dear reveille once my friends joined connect they became horrible people is this normal or is it just them hullabaloo connect reject hullabaloo connect reject its always tough when friends change but saying they turned into assholes demonstrates a failure on your part to self-reflect its not really their fault theyve sworn off all of your shared interests in favor of weeknight drinking if the virgin loser activities yall used to enjoy dont have social media appeal you werent really leaving your friends much of a choice after all the algorithm doesnt reward late-night philosophical conversations as much as it does karaoke posts as for coping with this i advise you to accept the natural order of things at texas a&m our universitys vibrant student org culture is what makes it special being a real aggie means leaving your organically-formed friendships in favor of organizations with lots of instagram-relevant members as soon as you accept your role as a stepping stone for someone moving onto bigger things youll be much less miserable also youll sound really cool when you say one of my friends is in connect reveille
this month local autumn enthusiasts began dunking their aggie rings in seasonal beer the new choice of liquid caused a sour allspice smell to permeate entire neighborhoods when these beers were regurgitated junior kimberly fraser who took part in this seasonal take on the classic tradition has no regrets i wanted to truly embody fall vibes this semester fraser said i thought ‘what better way to do that than to literally pour a symbol for the season it down my throat but the pumpkin ale didnt stay down as well as i had planned although fraser can no longer enjoy her daily pumpkin cream cold brew without stirring up gross memories she has maintained that her autumnal dunk was completely worth it however raul stafford frasers neighbor is feeling less festive following the seasonal celebration it smells like my dog ate 3 clearance candles from homegoods and blew chunks of it into my yard said stafford the leaves here are not falling because of the weather theyve shriveled up and died from the stink im just going to hole up in my place until december squat pilgrim
after obtaining his aggie ring two years ago fifth-year zane harris attended his first ring dunk however four ring many dunks later onlookers have begun to suspect a bigger culprit for his recent habits- alcoholism despite the recent suggestions that he may have an alcohol problem accusations harris has been quick to dispel rumors of alcoholism you are all just jealous youre not as redass as me harris said after practicing for a dunk on a tuesday evening zane corbin a friend of harris was asked about the comment redass he skips half of the football games to drink at tailgates he just likes beer in harriss most recent dunk onlookers noticed that no ring was present evidently harris had left it at his home furthermore no other attendees could identify harris raising suspicion that t he had crashed the event despite loved ones worries harris claims that he will not stop until he breaks the 15-second mark until then harris is expected to continue his weekly routine of loading natural light into his lifted truck before his next dunk pudding out
after another loss head coach jimbo fisher reminded his players that as long as they try their best and learn along the way they are still winners in his heart he hopes that this new strategy of prioritizing the lessons learned along the way will boost his struggling teams morale you know ive been told that recruiting is where i stand out as a college football coach but i think its time i tried my hand at the coaching part fisher said when asked about his decision to treat players with kindness i just dont want these boys left with the impression that winning is the only important thing here in the upcoming game against auburn he plans to gently encourage his players and remind them that no matter what happens they matter to him hannibal lechner
last week college of agriculture and life sciences researchers published a groundbreaking study in sciencetition magazine detailing the growth of the new restraining order branch on the century tree according to aggie lore the century tree has two main branches named the marriage branch and the friendship branch the marriage branch when walked under by a couple guarantees they will get married in contrast walking beneath the friendship branch or friend-zone branch ensures that only a platonic relationship can develop when the rumors of a third branch began to surface in early 2011 my team and i began a thorough spatial analysis of the century tree after over a decade of research we are finally ready to definitively confirm the existence of a third localized source of relational magic on the century tree bower said in fact we have found there is a 100% correlation between two people walking under this branch and a restraining order developing between them while scientists from other universities expressed skepticism bower assured critics that his team has thoroughly tested the restraining order branchs power i even had one of my graduate students walk under the tree with his loving wife and three kids and now he hasnt seen them in years bower said btho rabies
last tuesday jerome edwarson spent nearly an hour and seven minutes reciting frank liszts liebestraum no 3 (amongst other selections) and failed to garnish even a light applause much less the uproar of laudation demanded by the presence of an old fashioned master at work it was bad enough that several students demanded edwardson remove his tweed newsboy cap as soon as he entered the building but to make matters worse he was even asked several times to stop hitting the keyboard so hard if even a single one of the flag room patrons had examined his music sheets they would have understood that the mid-way climax of frédéric chopins fantaisie-impromptu in c♯ minor actually calls for fortississimo while he was playing at a mere double forte if one thing is certain its that edwardson will certainly think twice before pulling out his unique rendition of scott joplins ragtime classic the entertainer for his fellow aggies as it was only during his improvised hands-free harmonica solo that he was asked to stop playing and move to another room -downtown cryin
on october 13th student body president grace ferris vetoed the unanimously approved state of the weights bill due to the words please madam president do your jobpolicy experts have interpreted this legislature as a call for the president to actually perform her duty and follow through with the contents of the bill i disagree with none of the contents in the weight of my mates bill but i am simply ‘tasking the senate with a six-word change ferris said as the executive branch we have a responsibility to carry out any legislation that [the] [senate] passes but like what if i dont really feel like it it could end up being pretty inconvenient for me ferris reportedly believes allowing the student senate to nicely ask the president to do something sets the dangerous precedent of the executive branch performing its intended function according to sources within student government ferris begged the senate to not to overturn [her] veto of the plates for the dates bill and to reintroduce it with changes to the language that would add less stress to her life the student senate overturned ferris veto with an overwhelming 42-6 majority on october 19th the six senators who stood by ferris side said they only voted against overturning the veto because it would have been so embarrassing [for] [ferris] to not receive any votes i dont understand why she thought that was going to work elisabeth flanders external affairs chair said i guess she just felt like vetoing something btho rabies
btho rabies
in a statement last week impact retreat announced the removal of a director due to sinful and egregious behaviors the director in question was discovered to maintain a grindr profile named dl masc bro a blank profile listing only his height in the biography according to the statement this unnamed director slipped up by sending a picture with his face exposed to another user an impact camper that attended last summer word spread quickly leaving impact no choice but to remove the director honestly im glad to be removed having to say ‘ill pray for you to every closeted camper i came across was weighing on my soul dl masc bro who declined to reveal his true name said if only impact knew of the amount of staff tees i was passing around as shacker shirts shacker shirts are common in the collegiate community acting as trophies for one-night stands and providing comfort on lonely walks of shame i actually have my shirt from dl masc bro hanging in a shadow box in my living room brycen cobb a grindr user said i found it a little endearing that he prayed as he handed me the shirt before leaving my apartment impact could not be reached for comment but their statement ensures that no condition of homoerotic behaviors is untreatable ending with through a strong accountability partner prayer and mens only bible studies we can end this sinful behavior on our campus crygon
last night at a halloween party senior nuclear engineering major andrew suarez blamed his inability to walk in a straight line on the mask obscuring his vision additionally suarez denied that the alcohol he consumed had affected his motor functions in any noticeable way i dont know how much lighter and non-obstructive a mask can be alex han a friend of suarezs said of the costume it doesnt even stay on his headhe can hold it up or take it off whenever he wants nevertheless suarez insisted throughout the night that the costume was the cause of his disorientation hastily placing the mask over his eyes each time he fell and vomited this halloween was not my best look it was pretty disappointing how dizzy my costume made me feel suarez said the next morning i think ill just go as a frat guy next year ill only have to worry about shotgunning a few more beers instead of wearing a stupid mask so i should definitely be fine msc alittle
last week a survey conducted within the college of engineering found that most students hope to spend the first years of their career advising companies to fire middle managers these engineering students wish to join top management consulting firms to gain a competitive edge in future job opportunities many also desire to join the ruling elite class that they have felt excluded from while attending a state university ive been doing a ton of case prep for the super day i have next week said derek anderson a senior mechanical engineering major he was spotted in the same zach study room every day last week working his way through consulting interview books and kissing up to current consultants i just like the breadth of opportunity that consulting offers anderson said its great to be able to learn a little bit about so many companies before i recommend they slash their workforce to help the bottom line management consultants are professionals hired to solve problems in many different industries and recommend high-level changes in sectors where they lack expertise similar to freshmen engineering students consultants are assertive in their working environment despite having no relevant experience to back up their claims msc alittle
last week sophomore architecture major sheila poppen captured her most interesting bereal to date while starting a kitchen fire at her new job sheila was making great progress in her training but as soon as she realized she only had two minutes to share capture what she was doing she left the beef unattended and set the kitchen on fire coworker alexis ramone said poppen reportedly then chose to be real instead of being a responsible employee allowing the fire to spread despite the property damage caused poppen expressed little regret for her actions its too bad what happened at work but my hands were tied poppen said posting late is not an option i couldnt bear it if others saw that i didnt post on time and thought i was fake i didnt have a choice poppen was fired following the incident but sources confirm it can never be said that she is fake she is as pundits have always claimed as real as it gets batt for both teams
last monday junior chemical engineering major wren atkins described her treacherous exploration north of university drive into the land known as northgate atkins journey reportedly began when she and her study group were shamed into leaving her apartment after a phone call with her mother mom kept saying that every night we spend studying is a night we couldve used to get a blackout on northgate ive never even been drunk before atkins said the only ethanol ive encountered is acs reagent grade and is used as a solvent in experimental procedures after arriving at the northgate parking garage and walking down four flights of stairs atkins encountered early tribulations and was seen hyperventilating and vomiting into the outdoor trash can demonstrating grit and determination in the face of death atkins reportedly made her way to shiner park where she regained her life-preserving liquids from exotic grain-based drinks surviving intoxication in an uncharted land was such an eye-opening experience i felt like an excited photon atkins said with all the flashing lights and loud music i truly felt like i was a part of the electromagnetic spectrum following the adventure sources say atkins is now considering bartending as an alternative career option due to her three years of experience with preparing solutions of varying complexity and newly developed love of alcoholic beverages soiled science
in a disaster turned blessing anita withers an 87-year-old grandmother of five recovered from her unfortunate collision with the grill of a cadets ford f-150 and was officially appointed the new mascot of texas a&m university yesterday the accident happened two weeks ago as sophomore cadet ryan tansol was returning from navasota tansol was reportedly texting a bootchaser when out of nowhere anita withers appeared on the crosswalk in front of him he attempted to stop but could not decelerate quickly enough because he did not want to damage his brakes thus withers was left sprawled on the street with a broken hip being a good ag tansol picked up withers and drove her back to his dorm to care for her since grandmothers are not allowed in the barracks she had to be stored discreetly the injured woman gave herself away when a bugler played the reveille in the morning to rouse the cadets and she woke up screaming because withers was too delirious to remember her name all the cadets started calling her grandma reveille after spending a few nights in the tamu veterinary large animal hospital withers made nearly a full recovery in fact she was doing so well that the corps of cadets decided to make her their special guest at the upcoming football game against the south carolina gamecocks when the aggies emerged victorious [editors note: artistic liberties have been taken in the retelling of these events] all credit was given to grandma reveille and she became a celebrity across campus because of her recent popularity grandma reveille has been crowned the new first lady of aggieland and named reveille xi the corps of cadets believes reveille xi has two or three seasons left in her btho rabies
after his most recent loss against the university of south carolina texas a&m university head coach jimbo fisher announced at the post-game press conference that kalvin playa a five-star coach he has been trying to recruit has officially committed to his team playa is rated as the 7th overall prospect and top-ranked coach according to 358sports composite ranking system national football scouts report playa being 5 feet 2 inches and 115 pounds of raw coaching performance starting as a humble water boy his freshman year playa rose to the position of assistant head coach at james edwards highschool in alto springs playas high school coach and mentor michael terry describes playa as being as good at coaching football as einstein was at physics and as good at playing football as einstein was at playing football i think kalvin is really gonna come out here on the sidelines and help us to score more points than the other team and aint that what football is all about fisher said kals play calling is as refreshing as peach tea on a warm summers night despite being given similar offers by many other top football programs across the country it was long suspected that playa would end up at texas a&m because of the schools close proximity to playas family and profitable nil contracts btho rabies
as texas amc approaches the 1920 school year the college announced that a few hundred students will once again be spending their nights huddled in tents in an attempt to smooth over this unfortunate news with the student body the administration has planned a free smores night during the first week of classes for the past decade hundreds of students have been forced to live in tents due to the administrations inability to accommodate the increasing student population in past semesters this division in housing has created division and inequality among students sources believe this move seeks to prevent future uprisings like the campers riot of spring 1918 from occurring again i fr one am thrilld to heareth this news i bethink this is truly going to holp boost mrale in tent town robert johnson a resident advisor of the southside tents saidwho ist doest not loveth smres despite some students optimism many are frustrated with the current living situation on campus campers across the north and south side tents have banded together in a protest against the administration called dorms not smores this movement is being spearheaded by the president of the speakeasy club jonathan nichols tis unacceptable yond we art paying this college dozens of dollars evry year and the most those gents can provideth us in which to liveth is the hard did grind and a tarp oer our headeth nichols said similar movements have spawned in previous years with no sign of improvement despite his predecessors failures nichols is confident that dorms not smores will succeed because the name almost kinda rhymes btho rabies
in an effort to make texas a&m university a more holy and moral place many christians leaders are taking a stand against profane university-sanctioned terms such as red ass and btho the movement began when sophomore christian fraternity member jack martin realized that curse words were not very god-honoring as christians we are called to a higher standard martin said theres never an instance where it is acceptable to use a curse word instead try alternatives one of my favorite examples is ‘lets go brandon martin is leading by example and has encouraged his fellow christian men in their weekly bible studies ive started saying ‘beat the heck out of midterms ags! and ‘thats so reveille martin said ultimately martin hopes to spark conversation and create meaningful change by removing university-sanctioned terms that are not god-sanctioned in the meantime he plans to remind others that jesus loves all sinners even those who use profane language write em cowboy
following the realization that her post-grad life will not be filled with formals and weekly general committee meetings senior avery snaken was shocked to realize that she paid for each of her college friends in one way or another snaken made her first friends in freshman leadership organization msc freshmen institute for leadership loving (msc fill) she now attributes each treasured unhinged freshman memory to her $80 dues payment as she settled into her college experience she joined womens org ladies of reveille distributing equality (lorde) the $100 dues went to service projects and food drives but and allowed snaken to make life-long memories with others who could afford to participate while snaken was highly involved in campus life she also made friends in her classes however with tuition coming out to be around $5 000 per semester each lab partner and study buddy cost approximately $634 each making in-class friends the most pricey of all after graduation snaken looks forward to buying more friends through gym memberships and church retreats hannibal lechner
in a conversation overheard on the patio of obannons taphouse texas a&m university junior and functional alcoholic chase gaffney proudly declared that he only smokes when he drinks sources indicate that while gaffney limits his sober nicotine consumption he gets plastered every night of the week following his quick smoke break gaffney returned to his booth within the bar he then expressed concern that his roommate is addicted to nicotine i really worry about that guy gaffney said while consuming his thirteenth beer i saw him bum a cigarette earlier this week and i know he hit someones vape once at good bull i just really dont want him to do something he regrets two weeks ago gaffney fell through a wall at a house party after ingesting three four loko pregames and seven bacardi shots when confronted with the logic that only smoking when you drink only works if you do not drink all the time gaffney flipped off the person and put his cigarette out on their arm flash it back ags
as the smell of pumpkin spice wafted through the halls of wehner the business student council announced last week that they will be replacing the mays merch sales with an exclusive maize collection to celebrate the changing of the season this rebranding comes just as pumpkins and hay bales begin to take over instagram feeds for students looking for something warmer to wear as the weather cools off this new line will include sweatshirts and fleece vests featuring an aesthetic stitching of the popular fall symbol corn we just wanted to do something festive for students to enjoy johnathan gatten a representative for bsc said its not everyday that you can rep both your business school and your favorite season of the year as anticipation for this line grows other student organizations have taken note reports say that corn of cadets merch is coming soon to drive competition for the best fall wear on campus hannibal lechner
last week local golden retriever sarge announced that he just cant take it anymore sarge explained that his owner laura schultz leaves him alone in her apartment for multiple hours while she travels to campus every day sarge a golden retriever with a fun personality described how he had been driven to self-destructive thoughts in the painful time spent alone in the subpar student housing my people were wolves once sarge said now im forced to spend the next three years of my short life in this cramped apartment laura keeps telling me its not her fault that shes gone so long because traffic is bad right now but i know for a fact she stands in that starbucks line twice a day laura originally purchased sarge to be an emotional support pet and a friendly face to help her cope with anxiety sarge however has struggled to find a healthy outlet for his own excruciating anguish every time she closes that front door it feels like my chest is being crushed by unbearable dread sarge said sometimes the only thing that keeps me going is the knowledge that lauras boyfriend jason is cheating on her i smell the sidepieces poodle every time he walks into the apartment sarge admitted that he lives for the day that laura discovers jasons infidelity i just know shes gonna come crawling back to me when it all goes down fueled only by a roiling inferno of hatred and rage sarge still doesnt know how much longer he can keep it together world war weeaboo
last week the chevron corporation gifted the college of engineering a new art exhibit consisting of cool-looking pictures of an oil spill the photographs will be displayed within the atrium at zach and will stand next to the various boundary-pushing expressions of innovation already present in the building we just wanted to show texas a&m students how much they can accomplish with just a little bit of creativity and resilience chevron recruiter owen patel said things werent looking good for us when this story first broke but by applying the kind of critical thinking they teach here we were able to spin this into a new environmental commitment and eventually make people completely forget about it plus these photos [of animals floating dead in oil] look super metal zach art curators are hopeful the addition will complement the thought-provoking math equation stones in the engineering quad and the awe-inspiring circuit boards near the starbucks to show students the impact their degree can have engineering students are hoping the new exhibition will be unveiled during a grand opening event with free food however all groups have agreed that this artwork truly embodies the values and artistry of the college of engineering msc alittle
a recent analysis of womens organizations at texas a&m revealed that the group with the most competitive admission standards is in fact that one group of bitches in the kleberg building these girls normally seen in seven jeans livestock judging polos and large turquoise earrings have become the most elite circle of women on the west side of the wellborn railroad tracks the group does not have a formal application to join but will assess potential new members pnms with a quick once-over and subsequent evaluation if the pnm is deemed worthy she will be invited to a social round at the tap for piano night there she will meet the girls and be evaluated while hitting on a 5 10 country male with a mullet and dip addiction that has already been claimed by an active after the social round the pnm will receive their admissions decision at chimys happy hour any girls not admitted will be labeled by the group as not right in the head or a liberal feminist and will be blacklisted in the college of agriculture and life sciences milidairy walk
brazos county election commissioners recently announced that the memorial student center will not be an early voting location in the november 2022 midterm elections citing the brand new college station city hall and the number of democratic votes cast on campus the election commissioners chose to pursue other avenues for early voting oopsies did we accidentally remove the second biggest early voting location in brazos county said commissioner irma cauley please forgive our itty bitty mistake well reinstate the msc as an early voting location next year once the republicans sweep midterms students are the easiest to dupe since theyre only ever three years away from forgetting this whole thing even happened said commissioner nancy berry but its so cute when they come to our meetings to protest voter suppression what concerned junior citizens! instead of having a long convenient window to cast their ballots on campus students will now perform their civic duty by traveling a mile and a half by foot or bicycle to the new college station city hall those who choose to vote on election day at the msc will be honored with a bronze star for their sacrifice of waiting in line for eight hours to select beto orourke on a voting machine county commissioners claim that they didnt know there was a university surrounding the msc but they promise to keep that in mind next year when they choose not to reinstate the early voting location anyway ring chunks
viewing the slow encroachment into their habitat as a brand-building opportunity west campus skunks rejoiced last week as another construction project shifted texas a&m universitys population center further toward their sphere of influence squirrels have dominated the campus animal media cycle for far too long skunk daniel mephitidae said countless instagram pages snapchat stories and reddit posts have been devoted to an animal that possesses literally no superpowers texas a&ms skunks have everything it takes to make it in entertainment weve just been waiting on our big break although skunk dwellings on west campus predate the founding of the university few people outside of joggers researchers and bush school students have been exposed to these talented creatures as the need for more classroom space increases many skunks are optimistic that the near feature will provide the mammals the exposure needed to become campus icons no other animal on campus is as naturally gifted as us but we dont take anything for granted mephitidae said this moment is something weve been preparing for with years and years of hard work my great-great-grandfather once hoped hed be featured in a cadets letter home hed be so proud to see me get my own twitter page run by a freshman girl i get so excited thinking about what cute animal quotes she might make up for me msc alittle
after a disappointing weekend in starkville and a critical loss for the aggies announced that jimbo fisher is no longer the head coach moving forward said bjork hell be transitioned to a new role as chief risk officer for the team bjork emphasized how the move gives jimbo an opportunity to better utilize his talents up in the suites rather than on the sidelines through his love of halfback draws punting and conservative defensive schemes coach fisher has shown through his play-calling that hes very good at managing risks bjork said i think hell be a great addition to the executive team and were excited to have him at a press conference later that day coach fisher expressed doubts about the move i havent changed my gameplan since i started coaching back in the ‘90s so this will be a bit of an adjustment jimbo said ultimately with his contract still binding until 2031 coach fisher said he would try to make the best of his new roleid prefer to be on the sidelines so i can yell at the refs and my players after every three-and-out but as long as those checks keep clearing every friday ill be all right fisher said the search for a new head coach will begin immediately with an application coming out later this week on hireaggies batt for both teams
the beginning of the fall 2022 semester has seen an unprecedented level of strain placed on the roadways of college station in an effort to address the ongoing traffic crisis texas a&m university announced in a tuesday morning press conference that the aggie spirit bus shuttle system would be disbanded after weeks of carefully considering ways to resolve the gridlock that has plagued our students my administration has determined that the best course of action will be to get as many vehicles off the road as possible a representative from transportation services said however many students were quick to point out the shortcomings of this plan the presidents plan is only going to make things worse by removing the buses all those people will forget they have class itll be a disaster for grades senior animal sciences major trevor morgan said additionally pundits have speculated that students who previously took the bus will now have to drive their own vehicle to class potentially exacerbating the crisis when asked about this possibility transportation services responded that we thankfully have more than enough parking on campus to accommodate all of our drivers at press time a leaked memo suggested transportation services is also considering permanently closing the wellborn–george bush intersection and building a large impassable moat around the university to prevent traffic buildup world war weeaboo
in an unprecedented incident within the sbisa plaza bannering community portable speakers placed entirely too close together did not produce an incomprehensible ear-splitting cacophony instead a new sound was created by musical geniuses wasting their talent as recruitment officers in service orgs the impromptu composition by these maestri drew comparisons to works by tony award-winning artist lin-manuel miranda such as 96 000 and non-stop that feature an artistic layering of multiple hooks and refrains into a production-defining moment the breakthrough creation of this once-in-a-generation track comes after years of failed experimentation by duos that teamed up across organization lines in hopes of changing the industry reports indicate that texas a&m universitys recent prioritization of performance studies comes to address the lack of consideration for tempo and genre displayed by students selecting songs to mash together at competing portable speakers despite the instant praise that their euphonious tune received the artists refused an encore as their bannering shift had ended a leaked copy of the two groups bannering sign-up sheet shows that the virtuosos are not scheduled to reunite until next thursday assuming neither asks another officer to take their shift msc alittle
last thursday jake breyer a texas a&m foundation maroon coat and proud owner of six outstanding speeding tickets was entrusted with the responsibility of driving former students barbara and waylan mcclaren who have an estimated combined net worth of $178 billion in a golf cart from the foundation to mays business school breyer who recently totaled his 2021 ford f-250 as he tried to run through a yellow light turning left from george bush drive onto wellborn road was reportedly delighted at the opportunity the mcclarens most notable for their donations to the renovation of aggie park and the gubernatorial campaign of tony buzzbee were blissfully unaware of breyers driving record which to date includes six speeding tickets two citations for car accidents three citations for failure to observe a stop sign one ticket for passing a school bus and a dwi for which he is currently on probation im so glad i got to talk to the mcclarens while we were driving breyer said as he narrowly swerved around a student on a moped these golf carts only go like 35 miles per hour max so it makes it a lot safer than driving the donors around in a car last week breyer ran into a stop sign at the intersection of olsen boulevard and john kimbrough when he was speaking with a mays business school donor a representative for the texas a&m foundation was seen peeling out of the foundation parking lot in a 2022 cadillac escalade when reached for comment flash it back ags
despite having finished the last required class for his management degree senior reese slather decided to add an economics minor to his degree plan to remain a student for one more football season this decision follows slathers realization that the aggies will play alabama at home again and that alumni tickets are far more expensive than a sports pass economics may not be my passion but seeing the start of the conner weigman era is something i can get excited about said slather defending his decision slather reportedly already has a job lined up in consulting after graduation but he reassured his employer that this extra minor will be a major value add to the company just think said slather if one of my clients has a supply problem i can better assist them while bonding over that crazy tackle last season against bama while slathers degree plan currently only reflects one extra semester sources speculate he may choose to pursue a masters program in order to further extend his time in kyle field hannibal lechner
last week senior cadet jack sharpe began questioning whether his high school self really understood the potential consequences of accepting a military scholarship both the ukrainian war and an ethics course have forced sharpe to grapple with what his 5 five years of legally obligated military service could require of him sharpe first became conflicted when his military ethics professor spent the entire first day asking the class how they would handle situations pitting duty against the protection of both innocents and fellow soldiers singled out for his immaculately polished boots he was repeatedly asked : what would you do you have to decide now do you bomb these possible civilians or do you risk your men walking into an ambush considering the horrors of war for the first time sharpe spent sleepless nights considering this question and has attended office hours more than any other military ethics student when reached for comment sharpe said look i just wanted to go to college the recruiter told me id get some experience and get to hang out in germany for a year or two i didnt even think about actually fighting and now im in too deep cadet sharpe is now five years or several hundred thousand dollars from being even with uncle sam he has refused to comment further on this story and was last seen reading all quiet on the western front and looking nauseous fish camp floozy
earlier today the beginning of aggie ring day spread confusion at other texas universities most notably baylor university seniors were shocked to see a large institution blatantly copying one of their longest standing traditions i first noticed my friends new ring while we were hanging around magnolia silos it was just the cutest thing said kayleigh best a senior at baylor university i think its a little early for a ring by spring but i guess its still accurate many aggies have mentioned the heartache caused by other schools students not understanding this treasured campus tradition specifically texas a&m students believe the importance of the aggie ring as a tool for networking is lost on those outside of the aggie network where senior rings traditionally act as a sign of love and a future wedding date i had to run to the farmhouse bathroom to hide my tears after my baylor friend made fun of my ring said kaycee law 24 a recently-ringed junior she asked why the diamond was so small and said he must not love me very much! crygon
local gamer lucas fields was bewildered to discover that his 36-hours of gameplay saving the world and all its citizens from the forces of evil didnt meet the requirements of community service and was therefore rejected from his resume in a class overview i really just dont understand why it isnt considered community service said lucas fields i helped a community it was my time so what if they were digital people i still helped them and didnt just rob and kill them all like everybody else does! in this fields isnt wrong a recent study found that 87% of gamers will usually use their time in a game as a free pass and abandon morals making fields adherence to the law and dedication to community service greater than most unfortunately his professor didnt see this argument as a valid one and insisted that fields remove his digital chivalry from his official resume and portfolio when asked when he found the time to aid this digital community fields admitted that he usually dedicates his weekends to this service yeah i had just started the game saturday morning when my roommates went out to some big event or something i guess they thought socializing was more important than helping people weeb king gill
despite the popularity of non-automobile commuting to campus a new study conducted by texas a&m transportation services shows that driving to campus is still the best mode of transportation for sad weepy girls who frequently sob since i started biking my calves are so strong and i dont get as winded when i walk up a few flights of stairs anymore said angela menzo a junior economics major who traded her parking pass for a 12-speed bicycle in september but i miss crying in my car so much it just isnt the same when everyone can see hear and judge you it would be cheaper for me to walk or take the bus to campus but the unparalleled comfort of bawling my eyes out in west campus garage is priceless said jenna mulp mulp also shared that she thinks of the expense by how much use she gets out of the parking pass and by increasing her cry times she believes her price-per-park is going down in addition to the privacy afforded by driving your own car to campus emotionally turbulent drivers also gain time for self-reflection when they leave campus to sit in traffic depending on the route drivers may spend up to 20 minutes sitting alone with their thoughts some students report gratitude for the extra time to reflect and pray while others report a second wave of tears before getting home and starting homework ring chunks
hi mugdown editors concerned citizen here look we all know that texas a&m has experimented on animals thats old news my question to the protesters is if those animals were so against being experimented on how come it was so easy to take them all im saying is people who get mad at the university for testing on animals forget one big thing; the animals were just there and we needed test subjects i mean i could drive around campus itself and have ten primo a1 test subjects ready for the lab in like 13 minutes tops if i wasnt supposed to do that wouldnt it be a lot harder i firmly believe that if those animals didnt want to be experimented on they would have performed some air bud-esque hijinks to evade capture however not one single golden retriever even attempted to subdue all six of us seems to me like they were cool with it if i wasnt supposed to be going out every night with my net and my sack labeled animals for testing i would expect to be met with some resistance from the animals i am attempting to seize yet i have encountered none really makes you think middle class missionary
[redacted][redacted][redacted][redacted][redacted][redacted][redacted]so so white[redacted][redacted][redacted][redacted][redacted][redacted] but soon after [redacted][redacted][redacted][redacted][redacted] in preparation for what was sure to be viewed as an easy win for texas a&m [redacted} said to keep these things in mind this year as the aggies go on to face [redacted]a relatively stacked list of opponents to avoid disappointment and youre sure not to be disappointed [redacted][redacted][redacted][redacted][redacted] [redacted][redacted][redacted][redacted][redacted] [redacted][redacted][redacted][redacted][redacted] [redacted][redacted][redacted][redacted][redacted][redacted][redacted][redacted][redacted][redacted] downtown cryin
last week custodial worker lempi buckley reported feeling aroused by collecting chewed gum from urinals across campus similarly a satisfaction survey distributed to the custodial staff this past summer found that almost 20% viewed bathroom cleaning as the most erotic part of their work love what you do and youll never have to work a day in your life said buckley pulling chewed piss-soaked gum from zach urinals has been a turn-on from day one and it let me know i had found my place on campus fellow custodial worker dennis laplace echoed buckleys sentiment and expressed appreciation for her employers supporttexas a&m has continually remained inclusive of its staff with unique interests said laplace personally not being respected as a human being is a huge kink of mine according to lalace an added bonus of her duties include the gum marinating in the latrine for the whole day lempi is hopeful that aggie men will keep spitting their gum into urinals definitely not the trash can thats two feet away she closed with a sigh and said if only the stall toilets didnt flush man in stem
welcome to texas a&m! its your first time living on your own and that means youll be doing your own laundry waking yourself up and yes making your own meals microwave mac and cheese is a college staple so as many of you look to improve your culinary prowess here is our favorite recipe to help you out head over to aggie express to pick up your preferred brand of microwavable mac and cheese we recommend the hullabaloo location as it is open later for all your quirky midnight cry sessions peel back the plastic top and admire your nutritious meal-to-be place the container in the microwave and wait for the blaring sound of your dorms fire alarm because you forgot to add water as you walk out of the building and wait for the fire department to come be sure to get to know the other students in your dorm tthis is a great time to make friends! when you can finally get back in be sure to go back and add water to the mac and cheese cup and try again mix in cheese powder this adds a certain flavor that makes the pasta youre making alone in your room studying for chem 101 almost edible and there you have it! making mac and cheese in your dorm is a college rite of passage and we wish you the best of luck starting freshman year! hannibal lechner
last saturday leaders from six continents put their minds together in a fruitless effort to determine how they ended up on the hook for teaching basic manners to texas a&m university students honestly i have no idea how this became our responsibility said french president emmanuel macron we thought we had a pretty great re-opening plan until professors from texas a&m started sending us a bunch of students who thought it was okay to swing on the subway handles and completely ignore all posted signage clearly they expected us to teach them all about how to be respectful in a public setting i guess we really dropped the ball on the messaging despite global pushback education abroad has accelerated the number of students embarking on exchange and faculty-led international programs traveling students are required to complete an online training before departure however concerns have been raised that this training does not properly address that residents of foreign nations do not enjoy being treated rudely or hearing tourists talk super loud in crowded spaces the professors organizing these study abroad programs have remained unfazed and doubled down on the importance of international experiences in making someone less of a selfish jerk these opportunities are crucial to the development of our students said accounting professor romeo alvarez its important for them to see other cultures where people care about more than just themselves msc alittle
during this mornings monthly meeting of the united service dogs union at a local dog park the head of college stations local branch a golden retriever named young yeller announced the organization would demand service dogs be allowed to receive affectionate pets from passersby all dogs have an inherent right to belly rubs! said young yeller in his speech brothers and sisters why should we be treated as second-class canines because we have dedicated our lives to helping others no we can no longer sit lie down and roll over for this injustice yellers words have already created a stir across campus with hashtags like #petsforall and #bellyrubsorbust trending on aggie twitter and dogs across campus weighing in with their opinion the movement has gained so much momentum that reveille was asked about it in her morning press conference wait there are other dogs on campus besides me said reveille despite reveilles seeming indifference to the issue the united service dogs union remains confident that their demands will be met according to recent reports the service dogs are planning an organized sit-down at the next student senate meeting btho rabies
last thursday queen elizabeth ii britains longest-serving monarch passed away leaving many in mourning similar mourning was witnessed around college station last saturday after the texas a&m football team suffered a shocking defeat to appalachian state raising concerns for the well being of our king haynes following the queens death concerns about kings accession to the highest position in the land (starting qb) have spread across college station some commentators have argued that king should abdicate leaving the title to his younger heir apparent connor weigmann others have pointed out that it is far too early in kings reign for such a drastic measure while the queen enjoyed broad popularity it has been suggested that king lacks the experience and authority to lead the people in such a difficult time in fact cries for a complete abolition of the fisher regime can be heard across the campus despite the confusion of the last several days one thing is certain: the coming weeks will be crucial if king is to regain the support of his people world war weeaboo
this thursday counseling and psychological services will begin their bakin up something good™ campaign replacing all future therapy appointments with coupons for half-off a single-topping pizza from blue baker (dominik drive location only) this initiative unprecedented at texas a&m university aims to help students struggling with anxiety and depression while addressing concerns that mental health has not been a priority for university administration we attempted time and again to tell these guys they should just try getting over it and that they probably dont have it that bad for some reason we were getting the feeling that it just wasnt doing the trick said a division of student affairs spokesperson we knew it was time to roll out something new when asked about the collaboration representatives from blue baker appeared equally excited to improve campus well-being i know personally that when im feeling a little bummed out nothing cheers me up as quickly as an indigo sandwich imagine getting that for half off! i mean come on thats a great deal said blue baker marketing director frank yingling and i can do you one better: if you head on down to participating blue baker locations on a monday or wednesday all level 2 rewards members are eligible to receive a free sandwich with their qualifying order of $999 or more despite the high demand for psychological services these coupons are largely being reserved for students who rate their struggles with depression above a seven out of 10 those with more substantial mental health struggles may eventually be entitled to a voucher for a butterscotch cookie downtown cryin
opening up google calendar to see her plans for the week sophomore genetics major lisa zhou reflected on how the small rectangles with a consistent color scheme made yesterday look much cuter than it actually was if you look at my gcal for yesterday youll see one tea green box and one lilac box followed by 4 hours of blank space before back-to-back lemon yellow boxes said zhou it mustve felt great to end class in the early afternoon and have a long break before officer and general member meetings for my service org right wrong i actually forgot to do the lab report for my chem lab [lilac] so i skipped my physics lecture [tea green] only to learn i missed a pop quiz and dont even get me started on the rest of the day sources within zhous service org confirmed that although the events that transpired in the blank space remain unknown the lemon yellow rectangles dealt her another blow zhou arrived late to her officer meeting covered in bike oil only to learn that she was placed on probation for tardiness moments later she was asked to leave before the general meetings ice cream social due to her new probationary status zhous roommate kira lopez painted a picture of how yesterday concluded differently from how the calendar outlined lisa marks everything out on her google calendar including cooking [peach] and sleep [light gray] lopez said i knew something was wrong when she got home an hour before she was supposed to use the kitchen theoretically it should have then been even easier for lisa to get to sleep on time but she set off the fire alarm making popcorn at like 1:30 am so clearly nothing panned out zhous calendar inaccuracy was not an isolated incident according to a recent survey almost a third of students at texas a&m university spend more time planning ideal days than they do following through on the scheduled events msc alittle
this article originally appears in the mugdowns fall 2022 print edition to view a digital copy of the print edition click here taking time to accurately complete the college of engineering post-graduation survey chemical plant engineer douglas johnson ‘21 reportedly strongly agreed that his coursework prepared him for his career because of how accustomed he became to feeling miserable i never made the connection that hating all of my college classes probably meant that i would hate my career as well johnson said in college i couldnt wait for that six-figure salary to solve all my problems now i cant wait until next thursday when i get to leave work early because of a dentist appointment despite initially planning to stay at the company for years johnson began searching for a new job after his second day of work the recent recession paired with johnson having no actual work accomplishments has led to recruiters ignoring his resume however co-workers report johnson is outpacing the entire team in the number of times he raises and lowers his standing desk daily although johnsons job satisfaction has yet to improve he has been able to pick up new skills at work my refinery doesnt allow me to wear a watch or use my phone for safety reasons so i cant even check how many hours until i leave johnson said on late night shifts i get pretty good at telling time from constellations quality-of-life scores at johnsons facility are consistently low with a positive skew from outlier employees who majored in chemical engineering for a reason other than money however scores are expected to worsen following an announcement that employees must use vacation days when missing work for dentist and physician appointments man in stem & msc alittle
in an effort to reignite an old rivalry texas a&m university will be repainting game day porta-potties burnt orange while these maroon portable toilets are considered a campus staple many students are excited about the changes ahead its about time i had the opportunity to take a dump on tu said junior sam lithe while high-fiving his dad when reached for comment the office of the president defended the change as students return to campus it is vital they find solidarity in an integral aspect of the aggie spirit: a collective hatred of the university of texas depending on feedback from the current rollout bathroom floors toilet seats and garbage cans throughout campus may undergo similar renovations hannibal lechner
yesterday morning freshman biology major davis barns suffered flashbacks of his parents divorce after his dg dad ignored a fifth straight text barns first noticed connections between his dg dad and his biological dad when he caught the former checking instagram during theaggie story discussion barns was reportedly taken back to memories of disagreements between his parents over little league carpool responsibility it was painful to think these acts of neglect came from someone i was supposed to trust more than anyone said barns to be a dg parent is to hold vulnerable lives in your hands instead my dg dad was holding a belgian waffle vape when i finally opened up to the group barns expressed concern for how his dg siblings who had yet to experience the destruction of a happy family and his dg mom would take the inevitable divorce i know that soon hes going to leave and were just not going to see him again said barns im just worried about my mom she already works so hard and now shes going to have to shoulder the burden of coordinating all the continuity events on her own trad co wife
last wednesday morning thousands of class of ‘25 students woke up thrilled to use the title junior-by-hours passersby near the northside dorms frequently report the use of the sophomore-by-hours title by students that transfered a few extra hours current sophomore ricky couchman ‘25 former sophomore-by-hours explained why he is so excited to claim his new title the minute that grades were due last year i couldnt wait to tell everyone that i am basically an upperclassman said couchman ill have 61 hours and that makes me a much more experienced student despite having hardly spent a year on campus these junior-by-hours students are ready to use this new way to show superiority hannibal lechner
in a group message to her roommates senior communication major rebecca schwertzman announced she was closing her personal counseling service the text sent after a lengthy crying session by her least favorite roommate said thats it guys i cant do this anymore if you want to cry to someone go find your own damn therapist or fix your own problem fallout from the message has been widely felt one visitor to the home claimed that a cloud of passive aggression settled over the house sources confirmed that schwertzmans message received no replies just sounds of loud slamming doors and exasperated sighs when speaking with the mugdown schwertzman explained the rationale behind her message ive lived with these three girls for over two years now every week theres some new drama and im always the mom friend that has to talk it out with them i cant do it anymore its exhausting! aimee kerr ‘23 one of schwertzmans roommates denounced the message in a text to her sister its really a jerk move by rebecca to do this yeah sure i drunk-cried to her about my ex-boyfriend for two hours but remember that one time i comforted her after a bad exam grade schwertzman later apologized for her message to the group but included additional resources for actual licensed therapists they could reach out to the next time they have a mental breakdown milidairy walk
relishing in the last weekend of relative peacefulness texas a&m university students took a nice walk around campus without being disturbed by cannon fire fighter jets or cavalry i get that we have to remember our schools history or whatever but i really like waking up when my body wants and not whenever the fly-over happens said junior chemistry major dan woodfield i honestly enjoyed attending football games in high school but i dont love feeling like the campus is being shelled every time we score any points armed forces-related disruptions are not only felt on game day on-campus students report being plagued each year by the late-night infantry invasion of kyle field walking back from the rec at night with headphones in is how i unwind said sophomore marketing major alex ortega unfortunately its really hard to hear my music when i cross paths with the band marching going to midnight yell at press time a representative from the bush combat development compex at the rellis campus confirmed that football season was the most important time to test new military tactics msc alittle
last friday evening hundreds of relationships were tested by the first of this years fish camp partner reveal posts on instagram some students hope that their significant others are completely incompatible with their partners in more ways than one whether this is because they have opposite enneagrams or diverging orientations these students can only hope that the partnerships are not so perfect after all tara heighn ‘24 a girlfriend of a fish camp counselor reportedly experienced no distress at the sight of her boyfriend embracing another woman as his partner isnt even into men last year i thought that my boyfriend and i had gotten pretty serious but when i saw him commenting ‘i love you <3 on his perfect partners instagram posts i was furious he hadnt even said that to me yet heighn said when i confronted him about it he just said that ‘from the outside looking in you cant understand it and from the inside looking out you cant explain it this year heighn is much more optimistic about her relationship it turns out that dating can be fun when your partner is not openly emotionally cheating on you heighn expressed relief to friends that her boyfriends partner is also in a relationship so she knows how to respect boundaries but sources within fish camp claim the partnerships diverging romantic interest is the chief cause of heigns recent comfort while not everyone in a relationship can be as lucky as heighn there are many still who rejoice in hearing that their significant other is a terrible match for their perfect pairing regardless however current counselors are encouraged not to sacrifice their happy relationships to make partner rev night a defining moment bims and snap and msc alittle
this morning grace hodges left the liberal arts and humanities building after begging to be forced into a class revealing her deep fear of failure and explaining what she had for breakfast to her new advisor eyewitnesses report that upon exiting the building hodges proceeded to sit on a nearby outdoor bench and silently wipe away tears for half an hour this new guy is alright but i cant help but feel like im not making the connection that im looking for said hodges after her advising session i swear i could see the indeed homepage reflecting in his glasses hes clearly just not that into supporting my academic endeavors when asked what her ideal advisor would be like hodges said she wants someone who i can look forward to talking with growing with and doing life with but at this point i guess im going to have to settle for someone who wont stick around for more than a couple semesters alisha dixon a biomedical sciences major and friend of hodges was leaving evans library when she witnessed hodges breakdown dixon sat next to her patted her back and assured her that she could be her own advisor if she tried hard enough as they never did much for her anyways squat pilgrim
texas a&m university is facing backlash after sbisa dining hall failed a routine health inspection due to trace amounts of radiation being discovered in the food while many students were shocked by this discovery some students were not i can believe it one time i ate a bagel there and ended up in the hospital said emily sullivan ‘24 i had to miss a lot of class because of it but ive been feeling a lot better since i got my stomach transplant it is unclear whether texas a&m university officials plan to act on this report recently a public petition called to make radiation poisoning a tradition as many former students consider it an essential aggie experience people have asked me if ive heard about whats been going on at sbisa but i always have to tell them i havent heard anything since i ate from the salad bar there back in ‘73 said edward dooley‘77 while much is unknown at the moment university officials offered some words of reassurance we may not know where this radiation is coming from but we definitely know its not from the nuclear testing site that has been hidden under the academic building since the late 1930s trad co wife
last week the artie mcferrin department of chemical engineering announced that god smittened one of their tenured professors dr pam mcnaughton was swept away after a student reviewed her poorly on rate my professors this evaluation was unexpected as she toted a 43 out of 5 rating before being liquidated the review detailed how the outrageous labs which students were given two weeks to finish could not be completed entirely on the due date the following day students applauded the swift action our heavenly father took to obliterate the professor praise be to the almighty im glad that dr mcnaughton got what was coming to her sophomore chemical engineering student jordan singh said the class was ridiculous i cant spend more than three hours working on a lab singh is grateful to the creator for defending vulnerable students from their tyrannous professors i shouldnt have to go to office hours to get an a singh said in high school all i had to do was turn in the solutions i got from my friends she was ruining the whole department when asked about dr mcnaughton god parted the clouds to say skip class you wont pass beware of pop quizzes and participation matters the omnipotent will continue to closely monitor the 350-character anonymous reviews of faculty and execute judgment by fire on anyone not meeting the students approval man in stem
during a press conference in front of the wehner building last tuesday junior finance major matthew tan announced his acquisition of 5 778 tickets to next months graduation ceremonies as each graduating student is allowed only six guests tan now owns approximately 9% of all ceremony tickets upon further questioning tan revealed he purchased the tickets in order to uphold an individuals freedom to graduation tickets freely attending graduation is essential to a functioning university do we believe texas a&m is actually adhering to this principle tan said given that college station serves as the model public college town failing to adhere to graduation freedom principles fundamentally undermines education everywhere following the press conference the university invited tan to become a member of the planning committee for the ceremonies however tan rescinded his initial promise to make significant improvements to the entire ticketing process and unexpectedly withdrew his plan to join the committee rumors have emerged that tan declined to join the graduation committee in order to avoid the groups 149% personal ticket ownership cap university officials worryingly speculate that tan may be planning a hostile takeover of graduation following the purchase of additional tickets btho rabies
the department of psychological & brain sciences announced yesterday that professor rian bassell was awarded a $10 million grant from the us department of education to continue his groundbreaking research on the boundaries of tenure despite their numerous failed attempts to have dr bassell fired the psychology department expressed exceptional excitement at the well-deserved award dr bassell gained early renown following his paper titled can teaching assistants get away with never helping a single student he claims his initial research inspiration came during undergraduate when his introduction to psychology professor flipped a table during class broke it and faced no negative repercussions ever since that day ive wondered ‘if i were a professor how much crap could i get away with before i received any lasting consequences bassel said ive just kept telling people that the stuff i do ‘is for science and they kind of let me do whatever dr bassel released his most influential paper last year this publication tested how easily instructors can manipulate students with grade distributions one semester he gave the entire class as for doing nothing the next semester when students expected an easy class he purposely withheld high marks no matter how much effort l students put in responding to claims that this type of research is unprofessional abusive and lazy dr bassells automated email inbox replied that he does not answer emails from lowly undergraduates btho rabies
following a disappointing camp reveal that featured little caesers pizza and an average suburban home e first-year fish camp counselor lynn zapata expressed dismay that her camps namesake was just some university worker and not a rich donor zapatas embarrassment only increased in the hours after the reveal as her friends in different camps began to post about the custom backpacks and fancy dinners that their namesakes had purchased for them obviously im super grateful for all that my namesake has done for the texas a&m community zapata said but as someone whos welcoming the next generation of aggies i feel like i deserve a little bit more than a meal on a paper plate and a bead bracelet fellow counselor eric carlisle echoed zapatas sentiment i dont blame my namesake for not being smart enough to start her own business carsisle said but the fish camp directors totally dropped the ball with her selection also look at her last name imagine how lame its going to look on t-shirts its impossible to make any puns with the following afternoon the counselors were reported to have forgotten the previous days misfortune after learning the family of one of their chairs owns two lakehouses best camp ever carlisle said both road trips are already guaranteed to be super sick msc alittle
according to the official list of recognized student organizations on maroonlink a new organization simply named patriarchy lists its mission as providing an inclusive place for all aggies* to engage in community fellowship and leadership upon further investigation the asterisk on all aggies was clarified in the footnotes as property-owning white males with at least four generations of familial attendance at texas a&m university the familial attendance was further specified as being through the male line the membership requirements for patriarchy as listed in their constitution can be found below everyone is welcome to apply for patriarchy! to be considered for membership applicants should meet the following requirements: male white own at least 14 acres of crop- or animal-producing property christian preferably baptist taller than 510 not fat able to down at least 12 beers in under four minutes even if you dont meet our requirements you are still welcome to apply please expect to be rejected within 1-2 business days of submitting your application you will be told its because we had a competitive pool of applicants but we will all know the real reason were committed to making sure everyone who has the right to be here feels welcome in our organization said emory bingham a fourth-generation corn farmer and founder of patriarchy we cant technically say that were a mens org and we cant technically say that were racist in our constitution but i think were getting our point across flash it back ags
on wednesday afternoon between her 11:10 am strategic communications class and 2:20 pm american poetry class communications major eliza shaw was spotted speed walking from the liberal arts & humanities building toward zachry im hoping to make my future engineer husband stop in his tracks shaw said hell never know what hit him and i wont have to worry about making less than half his salary because by that point ill– well be bound by holy matrimony upon finding a seat where the light perfectly filtered through the glass shaw pulled out her copy of applying communication theory for professional life and flipped open a random page to look at between looking up every 30 seconds at the selection of engineers after successfully garnering several passing looks shaw proceeded to zachbucks to buy an iced matcha latte to carry as she walked around outside to admire the buildings beautifully designed exterior and any potential mates the key is looking whimsical and mesmerized by the world around you which is easy to achieve if youre actually enjoying your college experience i just wish– her sentence was interrupted as she bumped into a passing student shaw apologized quickly the future engineer took pause for less than a second expression blank and continued on his way his manners could use some work but that was basically a meet-cute shaw said squat pilgrim
bootchasers at texas a&m university recently launched a new airbnb-style app for desperate freshmen in the corps of cadets the release of the new app has been highly anticipated as it offers freshmen cadets a weekend reprieve from the misery of living on the quad while also allowing bootchasers to gain service hours by simply opening their homes to these weary refugees after logging in with their netid to verify their freshman status cadets can access numerous listings ranging from an unoccupied bedroom in an off-campus apartment to the floor of a dorm closet the most popular listings so far are those with doors that lock and walls made from materials other than cinder blocks im honestly just happy to have a place where the screams of the damned dont wake me up at 5:30 am every morning said zach seaworth a freshman cadet and frequent user of the app each day that i dont bolt upright in my rack at the slightest sound of a boot scuffing outside my door is a great one due to the success of the app most incidents involving drunken upperclassmen kicking in the doors of freshmen cadets now occur exclusively on thursday nights soiled science
another semester has flown by which means its time once again to say goodbye to our own graduating senior members just as one anxiously waits for the next bit of our content to reach the public so have these friends of ours been waiting to be made known to the world their time contributing to the mugdown is coming to an end but the legacy and satire they leave behind will live on congratulations to our graduates!
according to eyewitness reports it could not be discerned if freshman psychology major and chi omicron sister kennedy landsdowne was wearing pants when she was walking through pickards pass from lot 100 it was theorized that landsdowne was either wearing a really big shirt really small pants or some combination of the two wearing a shirt approximately four sizes too large is common practice for most women at texas a&m university the shirts often emblazoned with an organization logo or witty statement usually extend to at least mid-thigh covering any pants the individual might be wearing in other cases shirts of a reasonable size are paired with shorts or other bottoms that have a centimeters-long inseam in either scenario it is impossible to determine if pants are being worn i dont see why people like my dad make fun of me for wearing a mens triple extra-large t-shirt said courtney beauregard a member of womens organization texas ladies as merchandise chair for texas ladies i made the executive decision to stop selling any size under a mens large god forbid we even try to sell a womens cut shirt at press time it was still unknown if landsdowne was wearing pants when she arrived on campus reports from the scene indicate that witnesses were glad that her shirt at least covered the lower half of her body as it prevented them from engaging in the moral dilemma of telling someone their buttcheeks are visible to save them embarrassment or pretending said buttcheeks are unnoticeable to prevent any personal embarrassment flash it back ags
with the current semester coming to a close msc opas is excited to announce the shows that will visit texas a&m university during its next season however with student attendance still low the committee will attempt to draw crowds with special texas a&m university-inspired shows the first in this lineup is kinky senior boots featuring a scrappy east texan shoemaker determined to enter the market of heeled corps boots msc opas hopes this heartwarming story will bring together bootchasers everywhere in the spirit of inclusivity next up banks: an aggie musical will hit the stage telling the life story of kathy banks in full song and dance as she made her way to the university presidency this high-energy production has gained critical acclaim for numbers such as dear reveille the lecture hall where it happens the sully sisters meet me inside koldus the tabling pamphlets and farmers fight refuted other season highlights include west campus side story twelve the phantom of the msc and dear earl rudder msc opas hopes that these new shows will encourage students to embrace the arts and put the spotlight on these uniquely aggie stories hannibal lechner
earlier today texas a&m university officials announced that president m katherine banks was involved in an accidental firearm discharge the incident occurred at approximately 10:19 am when banks was standing on the academic buildings presidential balcony sources indicate banks digitizer ray normally used for blasting books and newspapers into the cloud fired into her foot and subsequently digitized her physical form elicia paterson a freshman who witnessed the misfire said she was throwing books off her balcony and blasting them before they could hit the ground just like she does every morning this time though someone shouted ‘look out kathy! theres a book right behind you! it must have scared her pretty badly because she started shooting that thing off like crazy in her frenzy banks reportedly digitized two oak trees a cat several benches and an aggie spirit bus before catching herself with a ray another student senior river mansell had stopped in the academic plaza as they were walking to their morning lecture it was like watching the wicked witch of the west melt into the matrix mansell said her screams sort of faded into like an aol dialup type noise which was honestly kind of sick the texas a&m cyber security force has asked that students remain on alert for banks while browsing the web as she is now running loose on the information superhighway brent caldwell deputy director of the cyber security force for texas a&m said were currently searching through cyberspace papers regarding censorship authoritarianism and unflattering haircuts but should you ever find yourself lost in cyberspace you should stay where you are and wait for someone to find you msc grasshole
while checking in for her official campus visit at the texas a&m university visitor center high school junior ainsley slaughter praised college station for being beautiful and easy to navigate the tour guide checking slaughter in reportedly dropped their ipad and was rendered speechless for approximately 32 seconds as a result of the unfounded false comment i was so taken aback that someone thought college station was actually nice said presley granger a tour guide of three years everyone coming to visit always acts like were the city equivalent of a porta-potty and ill be honest theyre kind of right poor thing she must be from a real shithole town upon further investigation it was found that slaughter was in fact from a real shithole town the slaughter family currently resides in bovina texas a panhandle city of 1 868 people known for its beef processing facilities feedlots and grain storage slaughter was later heard comparing college station to paris london and los angeles during her campus tour flash it back ags
this monday mays business school announced plans to introduce a bs degree in landlord sciences for students inspired by the adage that you have to spend money to make money the degree path which will follow a standard core curriculum before diverging into 120 hours of major-specific courses is built around capitalizing on current real estate trends in the united states with the production of housing in college station becoming is a booming business as the student population continues to grows and the town is ever-fertile ground for potential landlords the mays professors have little doubt that students will be able to get out in the field and experience for themselves the career-defining acquisition of home-hungry tenants and perhaps even witness the excitement of evicting those unwilling to pay market price for rent a sample of courses taught will include lnld 201: passing a credit check lnld 211: rent hike strategy and lnld 464: tax liability mitigation a class on how to pay the least tax possible when transitioning wealth from ones parents with as little paid in taxes as possible as a proof of concept mays professor dr brockton tamsley taught a single 3 three-hour landlording course in fall 2021 students largely reported that the material was unchallenging almost to an astonishing degree with a typical homework assignment consisting of writing a report on applying concepts from the board game monopoly to real-life scenarios the capstone project was simply scoping out decades-old homeowner properties in south college station which could be flipped for a profit one student anonymously reported an uncomfortable tangent from dr tamsley in which he proclaimed the property developers from the beginning of pixars 2009 film up to be the true heroes of the story given the rising as the cost of owning land rises in the united states the mcferrin center for entrepreneurship plans to hold bi-annual pitch competitions offering to cover down payments for aspiring landlords who show promise in their fields there is no reason that high interest rates irrelevant credit discrepancies or the ever-rising cost of living should keep our graduates from becoming landlords achieving their dream of owning a home or specifically from renting that home out to residents at market price says said mcferrin representative katy rhodes the mcferrin center exists to bring these dreams to fruition downtown cryin
last tuesday mays business school announced a new donation procedure to cap ethical considerations at $50 000 the decision stems from past patrons of the business school coming under fire for recent ethical scandals such as tax fraud this new procedure widely becoming accepted at most universities across the country takes into account the amount being donated to the school before considering the integrity of each donor if the potential donation is above $50 000 mays will uphold the core value of respect by not analyzing any potential skeletons in the donors closet mays administrators promoted the policy in a statement to the press while we have had some shady individuals as major donors of the business school in the past we are committed to making sure the future reputation of mays is upheld through this policy many business students are on board with the recent change as they believe it prepares them for the business world and helps clear up any confusion about past donors getting indicted by the united states government dawson brockman an accounting student in favor of the change said this has really helped clear up all the guilt i have from walking by the arthur andersen signs around the building now i know that mays really didnt consider the enron scandal when they accepted the money its okay another unnamed official from the business school spoke on the potential liability benefits of the policy saying at least when our next big donor commits historically significant tax fraud well have an out since we dont even consider their morality when accepting the money its a total win-win! mugdown staff
last saturday night the street in front of your house was suspiciously navigable despite your neighbors ring dunk happening next door you and your roommates came outside to witness the anomaly and shared the collective realization that the person dunking must have no friends when i heard the ring dunk i ran to the street to make sure that no one was about to parallel park in front of my driveway but all of my neighbors guests fit in his assigned parking spots said adam chung senior forensics major and your roommate everyone was somehow there on time too i really feel bad that the guy doesnt have friends who will show up late and block half the road to watch him puke although yells from the ring dunk seemed jubilant the ability to safely back out of their driveways put some of your streets residents on edge either i live next to someone who cant even get ten people to post him drinking on their snapchat story junior accounting major silvia ramirez said or all the noise was actually just staged to cover up some kind of drug operation or cult ritual by 11:23 pm an hour after the ring dunk began the uneasiness had evaporated when ramirez was asked how she distracted herselves from the potentially illicit worship or illegal transactions taking place next door ramirez replied that she called one of her breakaway friends and checked on her magic mushroom spores msc alittle
last week birthday girl katherine womack celebrated the unstoppable parade of time at logies on campus on northgate womack who just turned 22 was initially hesitant to go out for the occasion but was persuaded after her roommates offered to buy all of her drinks youre only young once said womack 11 lemon drops into the evening so im living my best life right now… right here… in college station baby womacks friends reportedly surprised the now 22-year-old with a replica of the birthday sash she had worn on her 18th birthday which womack swears feels like it was only one year ago witnesses not belonging to the birthday girls party told the mugdown they saw womack stumbling out of logies and wondering aloud is this a bar crawl or a death march aggie faceplant
according to multiple reports from motorists on george bush drive two members of the chi eta sorority were launched into space while banner-holding for their philanthropy event bingo for babies the banner a hand-painted bed sheet hung between two pvc pipes did not have any vents cut to allow wind to pass through and thus dragged the two girls into the sky when a strong breeze ripped through the wellborn road intersection while the weather reports had indicated that the day would be extraordinarily windy the sorority chose to continue bannering to promote their event isabella roesler and gracie humphries were selected to hold the george bush drive banner due to their larger stature as it was thought at the time that they could hold down the banner roesler who is 53 and 115 pounds and humphries who is 56 and 125 pounds were last seen catapulting through the troposphere its such a huge bummer to hear that isabella and gracie got dragged into the endless vacuum of space while they were banner-holding said lauryn harwood the current chi eta president but i think they would want us to honor them by going to bingo for babies tickets are only $5 and you get a comfort colors t-shirt! at press time roesler and humphries were suspended in the thermosphere a transmission from the international space station indicated that the banner itself had reached the cosmos a success for the outreach committee of chi eta flash it back ags
woodwalk village a local apartment complex recently announced its plans to implement a boyfriend fee for residents with male significant others the decision comes after management realized that too many residents boyfriends live with them full-time complex supervisor jane chow describes boyfriends as moochers the boyfriend fee will be an additional $100 per month which will be used to cover the expenses related to the utilities space and annoyance attributed to boyfriends were treating the boyfriend fee just like a charge for having a pet chow said arent all boyfriends animals anyway the boyfriend fee has been met with a mixed response from tenants resident izzy wood said that she hopes the new charge will motivate her roommates boyfriends to get out of their house i am glad theyre implementing the fee wood said i honestly dont mind that my roommates have boyfriends; i just think they have bad taste in men tenants with boyfriends however have reportedly found the policy hostile towards people who actually have a love life sophomore grace jansen who received notice of the fee earlier this week claims she and her boyfriend arent actually living together and are unfairly being charged [my boyfriend] only sleeps over every night of the week eats my roommates food and takes every chance to mansplain basic household chores jansen said but really he doesnt live with me while the long-term effects of the fee on the countless hours of arguments between roommates are still unknown woodwalk village remains steadfast in its decision to issue the fee and will begin charging its residents starting next month chow hopes the complex will notice an overall decrease in men at the apartment saying isnt that what we all want all too yell (10 minute version)
with the naming of the 2022 buck weirus spirit award winners this weekend the association of former students has changed the traditional watch face to a mirror previously candidates have been selected for the prestigious award based on their high involvement in student organizations and aggie traditions but this years selection committee added another factor: physical attractiveness with a highly saturated market of competitive applicants we needed something to differentiate the candidates said porter s garner iii association of former students president were now looking for the perfect all-around candidate – brains spirit service and good looks while the old face included a simple maroon analog dial with the word spirit on it the new mirror watch face will reflect the most important part of the award: the recipient when 2021 award winners were asked about this recent change senior animal science major grace parish said i wish my watch had a mirror on it! i dont even know how to read the time on this one plus i love the idea of always being able to admire myself using it no matter where i am the new development is expected to come as a shock to award recipients as the announcement was not made until after award emails were sent out according to garner the university wanted to make sure students were applying for the right reasons in years to come students with a higher degree of self-confidence and egoism will especially appreciate the change as they will be recognized both for their contributions and good looks make sure to congratulate your awarded peers for not only being overinvolved but also unfairly attractive house boyz ii men
despite heavy organizational involvement in her first few years of college senior bertha marshall is no longer actively affiliated with any organizations with no meetings to attend marshall is living enjoying her last year of college with more free time outside of her coursework and enjoying all the extra time she has amidst living a quieter lifestyle marshall is constantly being questioned by her friends about her college experience they all claim that an ideal college experience consists of a packed social calendar with organizations and social events to attend constantly she has been acting so weird said joseph funion a friend of marshall through msc fish she spends all her time in her room and doesnt even care about going to northgate anymore i dont get how shes so happy instead of feeling pressured to attend events where she has to interact with people she hates marshall has been rejecting invitations to all organization-sponsored events so she can spend her time actually recharging from school and doing hobbies that she enjoys i love saying no to things now said marshall my joy of missing out is higher than ever according to marshall she plans to continue embracing having no affiliations and to remain uninvolved on campus until she graduates midnight smell
in recent semesters the popularity of ipad minis among texas a&m university students has led to the rise of the ipad girl whose incessant tapping and clicking drown out professors as they attempt to color-code their notes this semester however has introduced a new more annoying presence into the classrooms: the mechanical keyboard bro at first this type of student seems similar to the classmate who uses their alienware laptop with rgb to take notes in an english class however the mechanical keyboard bro does not use just any standard mechanical keyboard when asked about the multi-pound aluminum object in front of their laptops keyboard they are quick to tell you about the benefits brought to them by their special switches lubed stabilizers attention-grabbing keycaps and aluminum casing these key features of the $300 keyboard make a slightly softer click clack than a $20 plastic keyboard its all about increasing my productivity theres zero travel on those school-issued laptop keyboards so that massively kills my ability to type said jack hall a mechanical keyboard bro plus mechanical keyboards just have that superior feeling when you type on them and this one is super quiet as well – i used brown cherry mx for the switches some people say theyre too clicky and loud but i disagree some of halls classmates however disagreed with his claims of quiet typing a classmate reported that halls typing was so loud that their professor still had to shout to be heard over it despite hall always sitting in the back of the lecture hall these complaints did not deter hall from bringing his loud keyboards to class while he offered his classmates to join him in a group purchase of materials to custom build a slightly quieter keyboard it remains to be seen if this will be successful radio reveille
with ring by spring fast approaching junior electrical engineering major jacob roberts has shaved his head in an attempt to appeal to bootchasers one of the largest segments of the dating scene at texas a&m university the idea came to roberts after he witnessed several groups of students fawning over a platoon of cadets walking into dorm 12 roberts had become desperate after several consecutive celibate semesters and decided to drive to the nearest sports clips the following afternoon the now-bald engineer was spotted standing awkwardly outside the quad dressed in khaki pants a tan t-shirt and rain boots uneasy bystanders claim to have occasionally heard him loudly blurt out corps of cadets-related phrases like reserve officers training corps yeah i know reveille and its not hazing; its tradition after half an hour without success jacob marched to a different area in the quad saluted and started reciting the national anthem in a last-ditch scheme to attract one of the dozens of bootchasers roving around the quad he even attempted to do some push-ups for the first time since his middle schools presidential physical fitness test i think i actually came off as too attractive to bootchasers roberts said to his roommates afterwards i looked like the perfect cadet which probably intimidated them otherwise my plan definitely wouldve worked laying out on his couch that night eating a pint of blue bells cookie two step and pondering why he was single jacob seems to have dreamed up a second even better plan according to one of his roommates he has been muttering something about the century tree and a fishing pole btho rabies
in a shocking revelation to the students of professor robert sloths 300 level class the midterm project he first assigned in january could not in fact be completed the night before the thrown-together projects presented this monday made it clear that all 40 students had put off the assignment until right before the due date i cant believe the professor was actually right said hilda chavez a junior who has completed at least four such projects during her time at texas a&m university but if he knew it would take so long to complete why didnt he warn us how much work it would be in advance sloth was reportedly unsurprised as this happens every semester since first announcing the project during syllabus week he made it a point to emphasize the project would be no easy feat and impossible to complete if started at the last minute i know students love to procrastinate so i reminded them every class this project was a lot of work sloth said they just never listened frequent email reminders and lecture recordings corroborated the professors claims despite the projects toll on his students grades he told the mugdown he is not expecting different results when the final semester projects come around in may midnight smell
last tuesday msc aggie cinema and 20th century fox announced that a the devil wears prada remake will be filmed on texas a&m universitys campus with the notorious m katherine banks starring as the slightly less notorious miranda priestly engineering department heads penned the first treatment of the screenplay while banks was still a dean following the recommendation to dissolve the college of liberal arts the script gained traction among aspiring studio executives in texas a&m performing arts courses it eventually landed on the desk of the msc aggie cinema chairperson who brought banks onboard to complete the screenplay in several student-led improv sessions administration greenlit the project in late february when bankss approval ratings hit record lows seeing banks get into character as a talented self-serving manipulator was instrumental in helping us complete the final script said daniel venters 23 head writer of the film having her tell me face-to-face that no events related to my identity are allowed on campus was exactly what i needed to ensure each piece of dialogue was tailored to the actor texas a&m students reportedly hope that bankss on-screen character undergoes just as much positive character development as meryl streeps did regardless of how it ends the picture is expected to smash msc box office records as the office of the president has canceled every other event mugdown staff
last thursday an anonymous texas a&m university student shattered the laws of newtonian physics by suspending a veoride bicycle in a higher plane of reality this event is the latest development in the trend of students placing the rental bikes in high and unexpected places on campus over the last several years bicycles have been spotted atop kyle field sbisa dining hall and other campus landmarks thursdays stunt however marks a significant turning point in the trend by irreparably puncturing the delicate fabric of space and time the anonymous student was able to place a veoride bike in the sixteenth dimension setting a new height record this accomplishment was confirmed by the national academy of sciences in a press release which stated that while measuring the precise distance between the ground and a point whose coordinates do not comply with our current conceptualization of the universe is impossible we do feel confident that the bikes placement within a greater order of existence has earned this shenanigan the title of ‘highest bike while students celebrated the achievement online university administrators reacted to the stunt with disapproval yesterdays event not only disrupted the fragile fiber of reality it also violated university policy regarding rental bicycles on campus said joe ramirez vice president of student affairs in a campus wide email on friday evening as always texas a&m strongly denounces all forms of student misconduct especially those that penetrate realms unfathomable to the human mind world war weeaboo
texas a&m university former student wyrick jacobs 68 declared publicly last night that his granddaughter a junior communications major has decided to give him the silent treatment the treatment reportedly came as a surprise to him despite his involvement in the rudder association an alumni-led group seeking to preserve traditionally conservative values at texas a&m as part of his declaration jacobs shared his hopes that his granddaughter will resume her routine text messages or voicemails on christmas thanksgiving and occasionally his birthday because jacobs neglected to sign his open letter to the rudder association and texas a&m community with anything other than sent from my iphone it can be assumed that he desires anonymity while seeking support in his demand for attention from his granddaughter despite his efforts to remain anonymous his actual identity as a former petroleum engineer and current retiree in flower mound texas was easily found from his granddaughters tagged facebook photos in his email to the rudder association jacobs declared an ultimatum: either his granddaughter read and respond to his weekly slew of buzzfeed articles facebook posts and prageru video clips or he will be forced to pull funding from the summer vacation to south padre he had promised earlier this year jacobs hardball tactics were met with widespread praise from fellow rudder association members particularly from patty hart 73 who has felt the brunt of leftist indoctrination when her grandson autonomously decided to pierce his ears i will look into the possibility of taking over her cell phones data plan as it exists jacobs said it may require stealth to do it and it may require setting up an alternative cell plan i will probably start sending printed out copies of the daily wire until the takeover is complete downtown cryin
after much anticipation the msc wiley lecture series finally revealed the identity of their 2022 guest speaker to be sauron the dark lord and ruler of mordor the msc wiley lecture series has hosted many high-profile government officials and world leaders since its establishment in 1982 including henry kissinger margaret thatcher and robert mcfarlane sauron reportedly plans to deliver a similar lecture regarding international relations its an honor to be invited to speak to our future leaders from the bush school here at texas a&m and to represent mordor the dark lord said i am very excited to discuss my experiences with international affairs granted my promotion of democracy and nation-building in middle-earth has not always succeeded but im here to share the lessons ive learned too after several failed attempts to conquer all of middle-earth the deceiver has since weighed in favor of more direct approaches such as economic sanctions on rogue states like gondor saurons visit to texas a&m university this year will detail his time as ruler of mordor and head of the orc army stationed at mount doom and will mark the 40th anniversary of the msc wiley lecture series coming hot off lectures by mike pompeo and robert gates the past two years saurons middle-earth: exercising soft and hard power after the age of man will focus on maintaining national interest abroad in the face of tensions across endor according to msc wiley the event will be moderated by saruman the white wizard and tickets will be released via the msc box office in the coming weeks plaid libs
for the past 40 years the big event has allowed students to give back to those in need in the bryan-college station community and exemplify the aggie spirit through helping residents or organizations with various chores however not all of the jobs are quite in line with this spirit one family being selflessly served during the big event is the owens family steven and tasha owens both texas a&m graduates currently work in the oil and legal fields as an oilfield owner and a defense attorney respectively weve really enjoyed taking part in the big event since moving back to the area a few years ago steven said it saves me the hassle of hiring someone to take care of the yardwork and best of all its free the only limit on student work is a four-hour time limit and an inability to use power tools or ladders over six feet with that in mind tasha wanted to ensure that she and her husband got their moneys worth from the unpaid volunteers i had them start out by cleaning the bathrooms and bedrooms in the first hour and then i sent some to vacuum and the rest to the laundry room tasha said id also given our chef this week off so i put the students to work meal-prepping in the kitchen while not required it is common for volunteers and residents to sit and share a meal or a snack around lunchtime this was not the case at the owens household nowhere does it say we have to give them any food or refreshments while theyre here steven said in fact i think that would go against the spirit of the big event if we did; the whole purpose of the day is for them to give us their labor not for us to give them a free meal even after a full morning of labor the owens remained unsatisfied with the results of the volunteers efforts it wouldve been great if they couldve gotten on taller ladders and dusted our antique crystal chandeliers or stayed longer to clean our guest house tasha said maybe they should look into changing that for next year ― batt for both teams
in an announcement from the office of the president katherine banks will install dillon jenks a local pothead as the new head of the philosophy department at texas a&m university jenks better known by his street name dummy man is replacing dr theodore george a presidential impact fellow and phd holder who once told banks that it might be an ill-advised idea to rename the college of liberal arts to the college of liberal and conservative arts dummy man a 26-year-old bryan native has no formal education having dropped out of school in the seventh grade because it didnt fit his vibe following a failed career as a musician dummy man read the back cover of the joyous cosmology by alan watts and became a self-described enlightened thinker he also began smoking copious amounts of marijuana to open his third eye i really think that mr jenks is going to take our philosophy department in a completely new direction banks said when i met him on the corner of villa maria and south college avenue he told me that my hair was the color of sun-tinted pond water i asked him what it meant and he said he would have to ponder it i may not be a philosopher but this guy really knows how to think banks declined to elaborate on the circumstances that led her to seek out dummy man but representatives from the office of the president mumbled something about glaucoma when asked for comment at press time dummy man could not be reached for comment but his gentle aura could be felt moving through laah flash it back ags
after repeated rejections from summer internships students have started to claim that the root of their failures lies in texas a&m university stifling their greatness and lowering their gpa the blatant disregard by professors for their academic success has prompted these students to file a lawsuit against respondus lockdown browser on the basis that the program inhibited the use of students full knowledge and potential when questioned on the impact respondus has had on her life junior public health major delaney ooherdon said spring 2020 was the highlight of my academic career my gpa was the highest ive ever earned but it was all downhill from there the only thing that changed was that professors started requiring respondus in all my classes recently released reports show drastic improvement in average gpa at texas a&m the average gpa rose from a 246 in fall 2019 to a 341 by the end of spring 2020 however these reports also show numbers plunging to record lows when respondus gained popularity with professors the hearing date for texas a&m students v respondus lockdown browser is set for april 20th bims and snap
following their decision to provide free covid-19 testing kits texas a&m university has also decided to provide free std testing kits for students returning from spring break these include but are not limited to kits for hpv chlamydia gonorrhea and bumps that are being denied as being stds we believe it is our duty to protect the students faculty and staff here at texas a&m university said a texas a&m spokesperson all you need is a student or faculty id card and proof that you had sex in the past week and our team will provide a free std home testing kit directions included in the kit instruct users to mail their sample to a lab in houston testing results will become available two to four weeks after the samples arrival through a paid portal on the companys website if the subscription cost cannot be met the website will also freely post every single result with name age and sexually transmitted disease positivity status two months after the testing date when asked if this violates hipaa the health insurance portability and accountability act a spokesperson for the lab declined to comment the kits can be picked up from the evans library lobby from 10 am to 5 pm on wednesday march 23 and thursday march 24 some fraternities have volunteered to partner with the university for this project and will be offering kit pickup from their houses as well students should refer to instagram graphics from the participating fraternities for specific pickup times and details texas a&m is encouraging all students faculty and staff to take advantage of the free testing opportunities when returning to campus or before having a wicked good time middle class missionary
researchers from the bechdel institute of womens advancement have concluded a seven-month study on what women in organizations centering around mens sports talk about during organization meetings and events early findings indicate that texas a&m university womens organizations aggie icers and diamond darlings do not pass the bechdel test which asks if two female characters talk to each other about something other than a man support for the study emerged after the popularization of the bechdel test got aggies wondering do these women ever talk about their own hobbies and interests outside of how they relate to men aggie angels nearly failed the test but passed at the last minute after researchers learned that members are required to support the womens basketball team in addition to the mens we talk about things other than boys! said abigail pratt a sophomore in diamond darlings upon learning of the researchers findings part of feminism is supporting women and respecting their choices my choice just happens to be participating in a gender-based subservient role that has no gender-reversed equivalent because men would never be expected to provide support for womens athletics to even the playing field researchers suggest creating between two and five mens orgs that exclusively support womens athletics and encourage members to participate in brotherhood ring chunks
in a new report many upperclassmen texas a&m women at hurricane harrys have reportedly fallen victim to a form of catfishing employed by freshmen cadets to conceal their five-finger white wall with hats in a bid to talk to women the highest number of incidents happen on saturday nights during football season when freshmen cadets are released from their dorms for the night often with fresh haircuts from the weekly football game in an attempt to appear normal freshmen cadets don everything from cowboy hats to their corps-issued beanies senior girls are reportedly particularly vulnerable to hatfishing by freshman cadets due to lowered standards from a deep-rooted fear of dying alone grace barnsley a senior at texas a&m university was at the center of the most recent incident she reportedly burst into tears when the cadet she was dancing with removed his hat to wipe the sweat running down his forehead and revealed his buzzcut after planning our entire life together during the three songs we danced for seeing his scalp gleam in the light from the white claw sign was absolutely devastating he looked like if a thumb had undergone a hair transplant said barnsley he was everything i was looking for when i spotted him posted up next to the trash can hat low over his eyes looking like one of those sensitive cowboys from ‘brokeback mountain the incident was the highlight of the night for many upstaging the performance of the aggie wranglers and the gaggle of drunk girls that were escorted off the premises for public indecency to prevent further hatfishing in their establishment hurricane harrys management recommends senior girls be on high alert and utilize the following tips to spot a hatfishing cadet: most freshman cadets travel in packs of up to 10 and are almost always wearing a hat if any talk of pft waivers or 11 minute run times are overheard management recommends that any senior women immediately leave the area soiled science
jessa ray a senior political science major who is feeling drained by class busy work just wants to start law school already according to classmates ray has only attended class for mandatory exams and lectures and mentally checks out when present im bored with the endless routine of studying and cramming for tests when none of it even feels applicable ray said she hopes to become a criminal prosecutor after law school but will be enrolled in torts and contracts classes throughout her 1l year in pursuit of her degree and minor in english ray spends hours a week reading long theses that could be summarized in only a few pages its such a waste of time ray said thats how i know its time to move on and get my jd in the fall ray will be attending texas a&m university school of law which is in fort worth so it is totally different aggie faceplant
surprise! weve grown tired of being anonymous and are ready to receive the attention we deserve keep scrolling to see a comprehensive list of every member of the mugdown! bellamy partridge cactus jack honey bear sbisa cookie lone star lady revelicious riffety raff beutel call samurai sully commons lobbyist lonely lighter marco ovo queso polo north by northgate duncan dough zero dark eighty silver tapioca king trill war hymnal century treeharmony panda expressions a midsummers night yell bacon & ags plug down for watt corpus escort metta world pizza gingerbredass interyellar 5k for yell netflix & drill come and bake it gigsaw puzzle teenage music gigem turtles lil event good bullogna mission trippin koldus & cream wrecking crew reba big brother jed fish daddy hullakazoo buffalo wild wags howdy boo boo 12th man bowels blue biker hazed and confused whoop-tang clan left on redass mad chaco west campus mirage ring chunks the maroon scare space cadet tukulele anime sciences 12th man card longboard of regents thanks & gingham christian bubble butt panic! at the flag room magnum opas washboard ags wehner dog heldenfalls homewrecking crew baptism by dryer plaid libs century pee downton aggie flash it back ags hiss and tell the dixie wiccan crystal matlab hullabaloo balls broken reed arena maroon gloat dead pullout society milidairy walk clockwork maroon pols dancer crygon i took a pill in sbisa midnight smell cte-walk haudi arabia century tree hugger walton texas ranger unsolicited dunk pic weeb king gill squat pilgrim hannibal lechner 40 & tow aggie faceplant kushing library msc alittle do rev mi book of reveillations quadbuck naked batt for both teams sharts and rec hullabaloo neglect neglect century swingers soiled science house boyz ii men radio reveille bims and snap flash it back ags
melbourne g glasscock building the glasscock building is probably the most well-known building named after a penis on campus and is the first in a long long line of buildings with a phallic label its brick and mortar architecture is as hard as the building is wide so dont be deceived by its fragile-sounding name jr dick thompson hall named after dick thompson the thompson building does deserve an honorary mention last year the thompson building experienced a sewage leak and got covered in fecal matter but who hasnt experimented in college pump house as the un-hung hero of rellis the pump house is responsible for showering the acres of the satellite campuss manicured grass in natures nectar i know the powerful suction and discharge pressures of the pumps in the building have induced cavitation in me on more than one occasion cox-mcferrin center in case you did not know the cox-mcferrin center is the home of the aggie basketball program despite the teams performance issues in past years texas a&ms ball-handling on offense has not left fans as disappointed this season doug pitcock texas a&m hotel and conference center coming in at number six on our list the pitcock hotel allows former students to relive their glory days by spending one more unforgettable night on campus with a pool bar and view of kyle field the pitcock hotel is fun for the whole family the peterson building you may know the peterson building as the one next to evans that just got updated but dont worry its not compensating peterson is finally complete after being under construction for several years so just like the computer science majors this is the first time its seen any action in years wwtp primary pump building coming in at number four on our list is the wwtp primary pump building you may never have heard of the primary pump building but youve definitely felt its power if youve been on rellis it can be found right next to the pump house and many consider it the hidden giant wehner building wwtp secondary pump building most people will move on after seeing the primary pump building but you should not underestimate its smaller girthier sibling its small but impactful and its definitely one to take home to mom and dad esti drill tower & hose loads most students may not be familiar with these buildings but they can be found around the fire training field on rellis we have all seen those firefighter calendars theres no mistaking those hoses if your date this weekend with that firefighter student goes well you guys will definitely end up at these two buildings (in that order) plaid libs
1 all of your friends are fish camp counselors with the incestuous pool fish camp has become you are bound to create a circle of friends that mainly consists of other counselors you keep your circle filled with the same people who know exactly what you mean when you talk about that nasty lakeview water 2 you get goosebumps when you hear the songs closing time or mr brightside picture this: its the last night of camp and you are attending the camp-wide mixer in copeland you hear the opening riff to mr brightside and race to the middle of the dance floor to find your camp a couple of songs later closing time begins to play and you wrangle your freshmen back toward the cabins you shed a tear as it hits you this is your last night at lakeview 3 you use words like sensi to describe serious moments using words like emotional or sentimental just cant describe the sensation of shedding a tear or two when talking about things that require just an ounce of vulnerability 4 you have strong feelings about the color lime you either love it or you hate it 5 your septum piercing has become part of your personality you may have to turn it up every time you go home for the weekend or for career fair but you cant imagine what your face looks like without it you find yourself consistently recommending either legacy or consortium for other people to get their piercing fix (or if you are a freak you recommend ink dreams) 6 you crave iceberry blue theres just something about that color-changing punch that gets your heart racing… but seriously what makes it change from blue to that nasty dark gray 7 your closet is filled with fish camp merchandise theres nothing like wearing an oversized comfort colors t-shirt with some obscure play on words that incorporates the name of your camp its all just a big inside joke that you are happy to showcase to the world but never on northgate! its forbidden! 8 you can down a honey packet like nobodys business cough drops are for weenies you choose the better classier way of soothing that sore throat: getting down on one knee while you squeeze that golden liquor into your mouth as people cheer you on like you are chugging a smirnoff ice 9 you cringe at the word mitigate those sleepless nights finishing your mitigation templates will forever haunt you you think of the physical reputational emotional facilities and financial (preff) risks for everything you do 10 you think a good party isnt complete without a star chart if you are a total fish camp noob and dont know what a star chart is its a list filled with tasks you must complete before the party is over some tasks include taking a shot with someone signing a boob or even streaking a star chart is a fish camp party staple and its always an honor for the person who gets the task of making it what better way to celebrate the end of fish camp policy than binge drinking with your friends and getting to act on those horny little thoughts you have been having for months about your fellow counselors whether its kissing your partner or baby-birding with your chair those after policy parties are always ones to remember 11 you never stop talking about how you are a fish camp counselor instead of the theater kid excuse of i cant i have rehearsal its now i cant im hanging out with my camp you seem to only post on instagram when you have a fish camp event and you always manage to bring up fish camp in every conversation you cant seem to get the hint that no one actually cares that you are a fish camp counselor 12 you deeply care about the incoming class of freshmen you definitely wont ghost your dg freshmen after the first two weeks of school right sharts & rec
have you ever drank too much and needed a womens bathroom out at the gates look no further because here are the best ones weve got! rebels: ah the forgotten rebels bathroom none of your friends go and theres never a line between you and your bladder after dollar beers recently renovated lightly cleaned you can never go wrong using the bathroom here ladies el jefe: what el jefe lacks in efficiency due to the long line and sweaty atmosphere it makes up for with the overall aesthetic theres nothing i love more than almost pissing my pants while admiring that lovely plant in the corner not to mention the great neon selfie opportunity with all of your best friends logies: ill preface this one: the best time to use the logies bathroom is pre-10:00 pm after you pass the bouncers ignore the stickiness of the floors and make your way to the bathroom its smooth sailing or uh peeing after 10:00 pm have a fun time peeing your pants in line dragonfly: light-up dance floor decent bathroom flower shots need i say more obannons: the obannons bathroom is a step above many and i mean that quite literally while you squeeze into a stall (unless you get the spacious handicap with a mirror) consider yourself lucky that youre not at one of the bathrooms lower on this list foundies: are you the type to always go to the bathroom with your group of girlfriends then foundies is the place for you wave upon wave of groups of girls enter this single person bathroom and give you the experience of dropping your pants to pee in front of girls youve never met before women empower women amiright mama sake: have you ever wanted to do cocaine while shitting cedar lane: cedar lane is by far the best bathroom on northgate for networking with all the other mays business school girlies at dollar beers cedars bathroom doubles as the unofficial business career fair dry bean saloon: if you dont mind shoving your way to the very middle of the room full of sweaty bodies and unfriendly groups of olds the dry beans bathroom is a dirty but private single-stall haven dixie chicken: between the history of writing on the wall lack of bathroom mirrors and general uncleanliness the chickens bathroom leaves you dissatisfied but free of your bathroom urges itll do the trick but dont expect a+ service – just like their bartenders dishonorable mention northgate public bathroom ew milidairy walk
after a slew of campus organizations have had programming banned or have been conveniently reorganized students are brimming with anticipation of what will be the next thing to go our sources have just leaked the latest and greatest additions to this list 1 student workers lets be honest these jobs dont pay you enough and you dont really do anything so is it really anyones loss just remember next time youre playing wordle at your desk that its only a matter of time before the administration takes away your false sense of adulthood and financial independence 2 the fun kine 199 classes you thought you could come to college and do things like scuba dive rock climb kayak and race walk think again it turns out these classes dont make as much money as the football program so in the wise words of the mgt consulting report theyve got to go! 3 mays business school after rumors of their own consulting reports from deloittes newest intern class the administration knows that they must put an end to any competition mays students are expected to be combined with the college of engineering in the newly announced college of business and engineering lets hear it for our new women in stem! 4 the corps its every bootchasers nightmare and the rest of the student bodys dream! gone will be days of being charged by camo during your campus strolls and maybe well finally shed our hazing reputation well probably not but an ag can dream… 5 the mugdown just kidding we got you! dont worry were here to stay whether you like it or not and theres nothing kathy can do to stop us hannibal lechner
anonymously leave pregnancy tests outside their room with a note that says just in case its a good reminder that if it ends up positive you could have testicular cancer or more likely a baby play i can make your hands clap by fitz and the tantrums if they dont get the hint you can at least pretend its part of the song strategically place sex can cause memory loss research papers around your shared living space while talking to them about the importance of studying for their upcoming test does it happen to five out of 100 000 people yes but they could be one of those five and their test is very important mail a handwritten letter expressing your grievances and challenge them to a duel it may take two weeks to get there by post but after 10 paces itll all be over one way or another light your sage bundle and start smudging while ave maria plays in the background hopefully this will have your roommate reflecting on the mortality of the flesh and their undying soul and inspire them to join the clergy leaving you with a quiet apartment for once whatever you do dont stoop to actually talking to your roommate about this do you actually want open communication and a possible solution that benefits you both no just stick to the stuff above weeb king gill
during a time when countless student leaders compete for the coveted role of student body president texas a&m university president m katherine banks has recently made an amendment to the student election bylaws from this year forward banks will be choosing the candidate directly and formally changing the position title to student body puppet in the past this position has represented relative independence from the university and gained reverence from dozens of students now banks has stated that she plans on destroying the election process altogether and picking the candidate most fit to fulfill her personal agenda president banks rightly noted the strife and in-fighting that student body elections were creating said charles brody a junior finance major and sbp candidate it saves the university and other candidates valuable time and funds for her to just pick someone according to administrative sources brody has sat in several meetings with president banks and was recently seen at bee creek park engaging in several rounds of pickleball with the president initially i was outraged because of the big plans i had for my sorority sisters and also the sanctity of elections or whatever said candidate carly jacobsen when asked her opinion on the newly-announced election process but then i felt relieved considering i probably wasnt going to win and was really just chasing the title anyway despite this seemingly significant decision by banks brody was already projected to win by a landslide 24 votes simply by running on the campaign promise to do nothing more than provide free scantrons for tests during his presidency once again pointless meetings and failed policy changes are forecasted for the future of texas a&m house boyz ii men & walton texas ranger
recent news of the potential digitization of the texas a&m university libraries has caused a stir amongst the student body students are adding their input as to which volumes need to be digitized as soon as possible here are the mugdowns compiled survey results: warriors: the prophecy begins warriors: the new prophecy warriors: power of three warriors: omen of the stars warriors: dawn of the clans warriors: a vision of shadows warriors: the broken code warriors: a starless clan move over percy jackson theres a new cat in town! crygon
at last nights chapter meeting your loser fraternity brother announced that he will be forgoing his education and membership in your frat to attend a six-month inpatient rehab program this could not have come at a worse time as he was supposed to buy the keg for your party this weekend and chilifest is right around the corner how selfish of him! sure you could hear him cracking open a 6:00 am beer in the house every day but since when did heavy day drinking have a serious impact on ones long-term health according to your other fraternity brothers your newly-sober brothers nagging girlfriend finally got through to him when she reminded him that his family has a history of alcoholism on both sides if she could see how fast he took those four shots at your frats el jefe mixer she might have thought a little bit more about the significant consequences of her actions according to your frat brother he realized he needed help when he woke up monday with two edward fortyhands full of sidewalk slammer outside of neely hall while you reassured him that that was totally awesome and offered him a beer when driving him back to the house the chump still decided to check into a rehab program loser! flash it back ags
aries: chimys you have great vibes but you drive people crazy sometimes taurus: the corner youre dependable and there when someone needs you you are the grandma friend gemini: tipsy turtle youre fun to be around and bring out the truest version of people also great pickle shots! cancer: logies something about you makes me want to spill my guts out to you you make me feel warm inside keep doing what youre doing pisces: dry bean too much something about you makes me want to spill my guts in a vomit way leo: hurricane harrys you have showoff tendencies but you are also hilarious so it kind of cancels out virgo: cedar lane youre tame for the most part but you have your out-there moments libra: the backyard you would be cooler if you stopped trying so hard! and if you were less passive aggressive scorpio: obannons you have a resting bitch face but youre really cool in an understated way sagittarius: dixie chicken you wear your heart on your sleeve and everyone loves you for it you never try to be someone youre not capricorn: shiner park youre straight to the point with you people always know what to expect i will not elaborate aquarius: social you change everything about yourself every six months to stand out is it working reflect squat pilgrim
the mugdown prides itself on the measures we take to obtain information and expose the darkest dirtiest secrets at texas a&m university we sent four of our writers to (consensually) infiltrate the beds of every man on campus over the last six months to acquire data on half of the student body population heres what we found the national average size of a mans shaft is 557 inches to our astonishment texas a&m boasts an average of 878 inches not including the outliers above 95 inches as averaged in the corps of cadets keep up the good work ags! almost 91% of the sexual interactions were unintentionally speedrun at an average of 2 minutes and 34 seconds 5% managed an average time of 7 minutes and 23 seconds and the remaining 4% stood at over 16 minutes however most of those above 16 minutes were unable to successfully finish the aforementioned act contrary to popular belief texas a&m men do shower they just dont use soap they are under the illusion that water trickling down from the shoulders to the legs is sufficient for an effective cleanse said junior materials science major simon gibbles our investigators claim that the days-old skid marks prove otherwise speaking of personal hygiene some aggies are embracing the agricultural history of our school by growing and maintaining their own personal dairy farm for those of our readers who do not understand that self-grown cheese is not a sign of evolutionary prowess we hold you in our thoughts and prayers despite the above-average statistics on most desirable sexual qualities only 23% of the interactions held between our investigators and the entire male population of texas a&m were deemed pleasurable we also hope that your experience with us was up to your satisfaction and feel free to drop a review in the comments! we are humbled to reveal that by virtue of our efforts and research methods 999% of campus men do not identify as virgins we offer our thanks to everyone who contributed to this research and made this experience truly unforgettable bims and snap
after a year of thorough research an official ranking of every organization at texas a&m university has been reached by the mugdown these rankings are very accurate and can be found below in order from best to worst disclaimer: if your organization is not on the list then it is not a recognized organization and you are a loser for being involved in it please refer to this list to find a better org to join the mugdown a&m esports sigma lambda chi theme park organization tpo aggie camping tamu artists company e-1 student chapter of the foundation for veterinary dentistry company k-1 agricultural economics society aggie reps for the department of agricultural economics women helping out other people rise with the womens bakery a&m chapter first wing staff progressively reaching excellence in professionalism company b-1 texas a&m cupcakes society of women in space exploration texas a & m water network outlaw nurses christian fellowship tamu associated general contractors aggies for limbs providing smiles and understanding needs (psun) business pathfinders mays healthcare alliance kappa upsilon chi association of asian veterinary medical professionals american society of mechanical engineers freshmen leaders in christ episcopal student association student one health association bold leaders in urban education election commission patriot paws of aggieland freshman leaders in progress tamu law speakers bureau christian construction leaders texas a&m judo team rudders rangers board of advocates student chapter of the american association of avian pathologists old army gentlemens society aggie bandsmen representing a&m by performing service chemical engineering graduate student association treehouse (aggie lutherans) company d-1 the voom ambassadors brazilian students association first regiment staff otm-on to medicine chi epsilon freshman leaders establishing excellence texas a&m secular student alliance aggies vote psychology department organization of graduate students falun dafa practitioner association university wind symphony asian presidents council cultural awareness and diversity expansion team special tactics squadron student chapter of the american association of bovine practitioners american association of university women at texas a&m texas a&m ihsa equestrian team texas a&m consulting club aggie women in entomology tamsa texas medical association/american medical association aggies for vets aggie muster committee civil materials students organization the rock: the wels campus ministry at texas a&m texas a&m university geophysical society phi iota alpha fraternity inc american institute of graphic arts surrendered apostolics living truth delta delta delta aggie miracle american chemical society student affiliate chapter art etc connect class of 2022 national association of black geoscientists freshmen leading in acceptance kindness and equality fade to black dance ensemble squadron 20 student council for exceptional children sigma delta honor society aggie investment club fightin ags resource for underprivileged girls & women adapting to life in poverty pi kappa phi texas a&m compassion 4 change biological & agricultural engineering graduate student association myriad invictus build command team graduate representative advisory board texas a&m science olympiad society 2nd regiment staff 180 degrees consulting tamu geology & geophysics graduate student council texas a&m acm siggraph student chapter general or simpson corps honor society corps of cadets womens soccer team squadron 11 aggieland mariachi aggie eco-representatives alpha sigma phi delta sigma theta sorority active minds at texas a&m university global medical brigades company c-2 tamu law national lawyers guild business law society sales club multicultural association of business students company l-1 society for promotion of indian classical music & culture amongst youth women in geosciences aggie experience council the federalist society texas a&m university chapter of the student american veterinary medical association intelligence lean construction institutes student chapter 2d visual developers camp kesem a&m tamsa women in medicine ignite at texas a&m residential housing association texas a&m university disc golf club parsons mounted cavalry aggie parent & family ambassadors traditions council institute for the development and education of asian american leaders epic movement the tell your story leadership forum wreckin raas sports and entertainment law society aerospace engineering graduate student association the ready room taiwanese american student association aggie mens alliance texas a&m student chpt of the american society of landscape architects tamu badminton club architectural engineering institute – texas a&m chapter regents scholars program student organization tlac graduate student association texas a&m fencing club nutritional science graduate association cepheid variable percussion studio with purpose: college station texas state teachers association-aspiring educators aggie society for anime and manga art men of god christian fraternity incorporated vida volunteer mosher hall council communication graduate student association freshman aggie ladies leading psychology club/ psi chi freshmen reflecting while developing legett hall community council christian women in medicine aggies on the spectrum sikh students association aggie aquarium association sigma alpha sorority (national agriculture sorority) fest – (freshman in engineering science and technology) texas a&m pre – medical society swaram a cappella b battery aggie knitting crafting and more black student alliance council public health student organization texas a&m quidditch collaborative aggies leadership initiative young life leadership training national society of collegiate scholars at tamu delta epsilon mu squadron 1 chabad jewish student group rho delta chi sorority inc aggie tutors sam houston sanders corps center guard professional brotherhood of engineers latinx veterinary medical association student chapter aggies for christ on campus texas a&m club golf team squadron 17 texas a&m chapter of the society of professional journalists alpfa at texas a&m rudder hall community council women of mechanical engineering society of flight test engineers adventist christian fellowship aggie marketing professionals texas a&m off-road the turing games society for human resource management texas a&m corps of cadets golf team aggie southern darlings texas a&m class of 2023 computer science and engineering graduate student association wine to water texas a&m tamu target archers american association of parasitologists (aavp) texas a&m student chapter phi sigma rho corps of cadets mens soccer team texas a&m motorcycle club american concrete institute – texas a&m university ballet folklorico celestial asian business society corps of cadets cyber operations special unit farmhouse fraternity christian architecture leaders environmental sustainability group graduate student association of the college of veterinary medicine agricultural systems management residence hall staff council conference on student government association loveworld texas a&m university texas a&m polo club ryllies future aggie nurses tamsa med pride palestine solidarity committee aggie business kings texas a&m ice hockey team club baseball student veterinary ophthalmology club [email protected] the aggie magic circle society of women engineers mcallen society of engineers professional sales student association aggie women in construction texas a&m zoological society engineers serving the community texas a&m student section of the structural engineers association of texas sigma gamma rho sigma alpha mu delta xi nu kappa alpha order company h-1 saw ‘em off zoo exotics and wildlife club aggie supply chain professionals texas a&m club basketball sigma phi omega phi beta chi texas a&m class of 2025 american society for engineering management at texas a&m university alpha omicron pi business analytics and consulting association hardchord dynamix beta upsilon chi (brothers under christ) texas a&m university student branch american society for quality company g-2 pi mu epsilon biomedical sciences association pre-vet society squadron 5 corps of cadets interfraternity council moses hall sport club association sigma delta pi national collegiate hispanic honor society – lambda tau chapter rosies womens chorus executive council of health organizations texas a&m recon company business leaders for change aggie military and veteran healthcare alliance mentoring engineering women intervarsity graduate and faculty ministries association for childhood education human factors and ergonomics society texas a&m university geology and geophysics society atmospheric sciences graduate council diamond darlings association of baptist students aggie vanguard mens organization aggie yacht club beta chi theta texas a&m student united way matthew gaines initiative aggie pediatric nursing association george bush school student government association texas a&m student branch of the ashrae texas a&m tennis club student veterinary emergency and critical care society amc guard bitcoin law student association american red cross club of texas a&m university student engineers council the aggie nickwork company i-1 genetics graduate student association plant pathology graduate student club hobby hall community council aggie students in human resource development aggie art therapy association national association of corrosion engineers texas a&m university student chapter pi epsilon tau fort worth aggie law disability alliance biology graduate students association freedom ministries t minus davis-gary hall council lambda delta psi sorority cupcakes for a cause texas a&m student chapter of the wildlife disease association reach tamu sae aero design team texas a&m hair braiding club baptist student ministry zeta tau alpha society for creative anachronism texas a&m agronomy society creating optimistic outlooks on learning sophomores leading and motivating alpha epsilon delta christian engineering leaders texas a&m university coffee club phi eta sigma texas a&m speech and debate team excellence uniting culture education & leadership texas a&m trap and skeet feminists for reproductive equity & education young democratic socialists of america institute of industrial and systems engineers korean student association aggie women in computer science american mathematical society graduate student chapter the century mens society warrior training battalion texas runners against cancer department of agriculture leadership education and communications aggie reps texas a&m health science center rangel college of pharmacy amcp student pharmacist chapter sigma lambda gamma – lambda alpha animal science ambassadors chinese students and scholars association aggie cricket club wts texas a&m (womens transportation seminar) fish camp society for the advancement of material and process engineering aggieland growing through selfless service aggies reaching out combined band staff aggie accounting association texas a&m shotokan karate club mcallen aggies all in sga – judicial court texas a&m meat science and technology association society of asian scientists & engineers texas a&m iron spikes tethered informatics and data analytics lab at texas a&m university american medical student association pre-med omega psi phi poultry science graduate student association alpha eta mu beta texas a&m chess club ags reach aggie golden arrows the society for underwater technology – texas a&m university college station student chapter sigma chi fraternity lambda pi eta aggie coaches and kinesiology teachers phi kappa psi global dental brigades soil & crop sciences graduate organization thomistic institute at texas a&m texas a&m energy research society american institute of aeronautics and astronautics global health outreach international society for pharmaceutical engineering aggie health law society fish aides engineers without borders engineering mentorship council aggie pregnant and parenting student organization tamu campus chinese christian fellowship tamu campus crusade for christ intellectual property aggies lambda chi alpha alpha omega women of color collective law students association aggie product management club society for theriogenology brotherhood of aggie mentors urban & regional sciences student organization aggie students supporting israel tamu nutrition and dietetic association maternal and child health student organization texas a&m paws class councils executive team student chapter of the american society of laboratory animal practitioners creative writing techniques club beta theta pi immigration initiative texas a&m university paintball club texas a&m student chapter of the american meteorological society suits ross volunteer company texas a&m collegiate ffa texas a&m university chapter of siam the impact movement squadron 12 arnold air society malaysian student association delta gamma student veterinary surgeons club first college squadron 6 salsa fusion latin dance company aggie gentlemen of integrity international association of drilling contractors student chapter latter-day saint student association kappa phi beta christian sisterhood alpha omega epsilon volunteers around the world- veterinary outreach texas a&m alpha gamma rho fraternity aggie coding club freshman leaders on campus aggie girl scouts transcend twelve biomedical engineering society ecology and conservation biology graduate student association alternative spring break family law student association national organization for business and engineering the 12th can men in nursing international student association aggie actuaries women in cybersecurity aggie sisters in healthcare texas a&m model united nations materials science and engineering ambassadors texas a&m university career closet texas a&m eventing neeley hall community council alexander hamilton society christians at texas a&m animal welfare and behavior club the big event texas a&m guitar club sigma gamma tau 3rd regiment staff phi delta phi tamu powerlifting club kappa sigma texas a&m national scholar ambassadors (tansa) doulos texas a&m university global public health brigades bhakti yoga club philosophy club texas a&m table tennis club student leaders of tomorrow the national society of leadership and success texas a&m ducks unlimited tamu society of amateur thespians texas a&m german club texas a&m freelance writers association texas a&m chinese student association texas a&m hong kong student association maroon steel century singers student chapter of the american association of feline practitioners texas a&m wakeboarding student american institute of floral design technology management society aggie robotics sophomores leading on promoting equality sophomores progressing in excellence and sustainability intellectual property aggies college station texas a&m womens rugby football club texas a&m sailing team texas a&m university aggie turfgrass management club phi alpha theta arabic club the femmatas move texas a&m aggie anglers council for minority student affairs the boys & girls club cc krueger hall association ecology & evolutionary biology student organization sports for kids sigma lambda beta latino medical student association pre-med latino undergraduate society texas a&m sports car club saddle & sirloin club physical therapy society task consulting corps of cadets triathlon team chi alpha world fellowship company k-2 student retailing association phi lambda upsilon gents of texas a&m aggie mental health ambassadors association of future student affairs professionals black graduate student association institute of food technology student association – texas a&m chapter squadron 2 aggie women in business anglican aggies entomology graduate student organization national association of environmental professionals texas a&m japanese language and culture club student-athlete advisory committee delight ministries biomedical engineering graduate student association student chapter of the american association of swine veterinarians george bush school public service organization texas a&m predental society women in nuclear theta chi fraternity company a-1 students for a democratic society kanm alpha zeta chi reformed university fellowship russian club wesley foundation texas a&m figure skating texas a&m university singing cadets kappa delta pi – mu chi chapter pi tau sigma pharmacy college organization group naacp society of manufacturing engineers society of automotive engineers association of environmental engineering students aggies serving the aging population building researchers and innovators in neuroscience and society financial management association feminism 4 aggies aggie powersports club aggie swamp club indonesian students association djs of aggieland 12th law man theta tau ultimate frisbee sports club graduate and professional student government christland college ministry team 12 dunn hall community council texas a&m oceanography club the apprentice doctor-medical chapter kappa alpha psi mcallen aggie baptist student ministry (bsm) valor company e-2 pridesvmc the real estate development association omega delta phi freshmen aggies spreading tradition freshmen exemplifying aggie spirit together haas hall community council pro-life aggies healthcare finance association ispor student chapter at tamu all nations mission campus christian fellowship st thomas more society business student council national association of women mbas rpts council chinese-american association texas a&m womens water polo aggieteach first brigade staff legion aggie club of engineers freshmen organizing and running mixed events robomaster robotic club of aggie females in engineering texas a&m university irma lerma rangel college of pharmacy student college of clinical pharmacy aggie sweethearts collegiate entrepreneurs organization (c-e-o) / texas a&m university chapter cosplay club alpha kappa alpha sorority incorporated texas a&m university sacnas chapter student chapter of womens veterinary leadership development initiative native american and indigenous student organization texas a&m public health student association orthodox christian fellowship society of agricultural finance insurance and real estate texas a&m hosa – future health professionals texas a&m team handball society of plastic engineers texas a&m society for ecological restoration student guild freshman leadership advisory council christian business leaders texas a&m pickleball club texas aggie democrats aggie libertarians law fellowship kappa kappa gamma mcallen society of automotive engineers reed rowdies alpha phi alpha bangladesh student association student veterans of america at texas a&m a-line magazine developer student club at texas a&m university alpha delta pi mis buddy connect college of medicine graduate student organization deaf aggies & friends squadron 23 women in economics texas a&m tabletop troupe aggie traders latino aggie mentorship program thrive corps of cadets marksmanship unit aggies read turning point usa tau beta pi national engineering honor society student nurses critical care organization aggie adaptive sports pakistani students association eta kappa nu future agriculture and life science leaders texas a&m pre-speech and language pathology society two42 college ministry a&m photography club texas a&m school of law civil rights law initiative aggie guide-dogs and service-dogs asian american mental health organization chi omega students for sensible drug policy southwestern black student leadership conference texas a&m university scuba club lechner-mcfadden community council aggie speleological society company f-2 freshman aggies in medicine ieee-tech electrical and electronics engineers aggie west coast swing dance club aggie icers 3rd wing ostem at texas a&m alpha epsilon phi sorority student health environments association les appelt hall aggie belles sga – student senate project nur delta company delta tau delta gamma alpha omega sorority inc aggie outdoors aggie emeralds latinx community and advocacy association texas a&m corps tennis team the aggieland 2nd wing staff aggie web developers aggie newborn and obstetrics nurses association student nurses organization of health and wellness spie muslim students association longhorn law student association company p-2 texas a&m cheer squad corps operations texas a&m university school of energy & natural resources group akh mastani senior friends electrical and computer engineering graduate student association texas a&m university rocket engine design national association of home builders john quincy adams society civil and environmental engineering graduate student association texas a&m health science center student governing board rangeland wildlife & fisheries management graduate student organization texas a&m american society of safety professionals aggie athletic trainers association texas a&m dairy science club mentorship in ocean engineering tau kappa epsilon women law students association apotheosis human environmental animal team company n-1 the association of fundraising professionals tamu practical shooting sports the ambassadors of the george bush school of government and public service eta sigma gamma alpha tau omega texas a&m corps of cadets color guard alpha chi omega sorority texas a&m geographical society texas a&m university running club rejoyce in jesus campus fellowship squadron 21 hellcat 21 valley alliance of mentors for opportunities & scholars at texas a&m university texas a&m obstacle course racing lutheran student fellowship lambda theta alpha aggie toastmasters aggie replant tamsa executive committee mens waterpolo texas a&m amnesty international college of education and human development undergraduate student council student government association mexican student association mens lacrosse team of texas a&m university society of mechatronic engineering and technology taiwanese student association major general t g darling recruiting company omega phi alpha-national service sorority tamu undergraduate entomology club alpha pi mu – industrial engineering honor society american society of civil engineers (jtl mcnew chapter) delta zeta one army: texas aggie men united tamu chapter of the agricultural communicators of tomorrow interdisciplinary design and construction association aggie ballet company maroon out texas a&m college diabetes network aggie habitat for humanity fhk complex community council texas a&m amateur radio club third brigade staff freshmen reaching excellence in engineering aggie achievemates associated builders and contractors global engineering brigades women in animation student mobilization texas a&m mens rugby club christian healthcare leaders aggies for truth the texas a&m pen club american institute of architecture students aggie competitive programming club aggie pullers tamu content creators venezuelan student association alpha psi omega hindu students association texas a&m university womens club basketball team phi delta theta schuhmacher hall community council best buddies asme-tech college of agriculture & life sciences student council aggie lemon racing c-company sophomore leaders impacting developing and educating aggie classics tck texas a&m trombone choir her campus texas a&m university freudian slip improvisational comedy troupe s-1 spartans texas a&m computing society american constitution society aggie optometry association aggie french club oceanography graduate council clyde h wells residence hall association texas a&m university student chapter of the american water resources association american society of agricultural and biological engineers animal science graduate student association tamu chinese language & culture club texas a&m university college of veterinary medicine class of 2022 texas a&m argentine tango club squadron 4 aggie royals texas a&m university racquetball club aggie blossoms aggies for animal rescue gardens apartment community council texas aggie game developers aggies for latinx politics heritage and arts (alpha) squadron 3 preservation and conservation student society carpool (caring aggies r protecting over our lives) hermandad de sigma iota alpha inc aggieland orchestra/dukes of aggieland student bar association tamsa interest group council sga diversity texas a&m university student chapter of the society of petroleum engineers aggie aerospace women in engineering tamu horticulture club the eckleburg project a&m united methodist churchs college ministry honors housing community student leaders hillel jewish student center mcallen border pre-med society tamsa christian medical and dental society texas a&m university college of veterinary medicine class of 2024 texas a&m spikeball asian american intervarsity texas a&m moot court breakaway volunteers squadron 18 criminal law society texas a&m pistol team texas a&m student chapter of citizens climate lobby kappa alpha theta texas a&m economics society student geosciences council life savers texas a&m university womens soccer club aggies in motion pi kappa alpha a-company band aggie business brothers society of women in industrial distribution united campus ministry in aggieland global medical missions alliance philippine student association texas a&m health science center college of nursing student nurses association corps of cadets lacrosse team christian veterinary fellowship real estate aggies in leadership aggie sisters for christ company d-2 international business association texas a&m university legacies medlife bush school international city management association chapter texas a&m engineering world health global business brigades texas a&m texas a&m college of veterinary medicine officer team society of hispanic professional engineers aston hall council chi psi beta texas a&m historical society american business womens association texas a&m student chapter of the association for women in mathematics latinx graduate student association the round table talk sling health tamu hearts for the homeless college station student national medical association association of student planners dance arts society association for future healthcare leaders texas a&m climbing team philadelphia sisters mechanical engineering graduate student organization national society of black engineers institute of transportation engineers texas a&m winterguard gamma beta fraternity aggie student organ donation advocates pi beta phi texas a&m university student affiliates of school psychology omega chi epsilon chemical engineering honor society korean dance association texas a&m polish association fish drill team international association of business communication texas a&m pre-pharmacy society liberal arts student council society for biomaterials tamu omega phi gamma texas a&m mock trial graduate student organization agriculture economics texas a&m womens lacrosse club physics and astronomy graduate student assembly aggie school volunteers veterinarians without borders aggie advertising club aggie hispanics in computing the institute of electrical and electronics engineers inc sigma phi lambda internal audit program – student association alpha kappa delta international honor society latino medical student association lambda theta phi latin fraternity inc statistics undergraduate student association tax law society veterinary imaging club aggie gems aggie data science club persian student association squadron falcon 16 american institute of chemical engineers ratio christi occupational therapy society delta sigma phi business honors association nepalese student association texas a&m cybersecurity club international institute for culture and performing arts development student chapter of the american veterinary society of animal behavior black law student association aggies in science technology and engineering policy institute for healthcare improvement open school of health professions (texas a&m university school of public health) aggie special olympics texas volunteers texas a&m china hong dance society veterinary students as one in culture and ethnicity omega epsilon aggie transition camps (atc) green vets range club future aggie physician assistants student chapter of the american association of equine practitioners texas a&m university emergency care team financial planning student association interprofessional relationship outreach network texas a&m university chapter of geo-institute gamma phi beta texas a&m taekwondo team orthodox christian campus ministries horticulture graduate council aggie christian teachers sheltering vets association of information technology professionals texas a&m crew team aggie babes freestyle underground street dancers unicef at tamu company g-1 be the match-texas a&m university aggiesat laboratory shes the first bahai unity club poultry science club delta kappa delta (formerly betis) maggies aggies & mentors multicultural greek council texas a&m university club swimming texas a&m women in aviation texas a&m university sounding rocketry team gamma phi omega (formerly cygnets) ieee-power engineering society-industry application society-power electronics society joint student chapter texas a&m university student chapter of the wildlife society military & veteran law society mens volleyball aggie mens club maroon prestige tamusic club freshman leaders in education and human development texas a&m mens soccer coastal conservation association aggieland chapter hispanic presidents council aggie shields starlight aggies korean-american scientists and engineers association hullabaloo hall community council marine technology society asian pacific american law students association texas a&m womens ultimate frisbee tamu mountain sports texas a&m skydiving club eppright hall community council student chapter of the american college of veterinary pathologists chemical engineering undergraduate student advisory council (chen-usac) corps baseball team texas a&m anthropological society aggie minority women in law american association of petroleum geologists student chapter catholic students association to walton hall council american chemical society polymer chemistry/polymeric materials: science and engineering student chapter voices of praise gospel choir educational psychology student organization sport management society antioch college ministry student event planners association aggie fish club sophomores advancing in leadership international affairs association 12th astronaut lab brazilian jiujitsu club texas a&m texas trophy hunters society of naval architects and marine engineers women in science and engineering office for diversity student diversity advisory council association of anthropology graduate students employment & labor law student association texas a&m self defense club inmm a&m chapter aggie book club the pursuit ministries aggie orientation leader program hart hall community council christian legal society capital mens society nutrition honors association aggieland lions club aggies selflessly serving in shaping tomorrow – assist premier aggie mentor leadership organization mechanical engineering female grad students delta eta pi dance honor society company s-2 b company aggie quiz bowl nurses christian fellowship – round rock creative writers of aggieland society for international studies vertical flight society arab student association texas a&m ballroom dance association materials advantage texas a&m college of nursing wilderness medicine student interest group alpha zeta the committee texas a&m biochemistry and genetics society collegiate panhellenic council national pan-hellenic council tzu chi collegiate association changing health attitudes and actions to recreate girls tamu gymnastics club aggie eagle post texas a&m seds freshmen liberal arts reaching excellence naval rotc midshipmen battalion minorities in agriculture natural resources and related sciences underwood hall community council texas a&m bodybuilding clements hall national organization of minority architecture students – texas a&m university chapter aggie roller hockey terry foundation student organization minority association of pre-health and pre-medical second brigade staff just4water tamuhack society of physics students international student mentors association american association of drilling engineers tamu datathon desi aggies society for conservation biology texas a&m chapter professional association for industrial distribution phi beta lambda tamu sahithya texas a&m hand

9 your accounting professor dont tell anyone but i saw him talking to bernie sanders on monday 8 jimbo fisher this may surprise the texas a&m football fan base but fisher is in talks to headline the democratic national convention 7 pat henry as head coach of the 2021-22 texas a&m track and field team henry needs to stay sharp on his race theory 6 lawrence sullivan ross ross has recently landed himself in hot water for being more critical of some races than others 5 reveille ix everyones favorite dog can speak good girl give me paw! other paw! 4 general ramirez slow down there general! you might upset the former students 3 the lady who calls me baby at sbisa thank you (for everything) 2 route 12 aggie spirit bus driver with the crusty hat please sir arrive alive deep breaths control that road rage 1 your mom many people do not understand that your mother is in fact the largest proponent of critical race theory at texas a&m university following the death of george floyd and the subsequent protests she became aware of her own biases and gaps in her knowledge and she signed up for several online courses in the theory at first she thought it would just be nerds with phds telling her that white people should feel bad for being white but she slowly began to realize that it is just another advanced academic theory that most college students wont engage with like most theories in social science it provides a framework for evaluation serves to question your current understanding of the world and incorporates several common sense morals that youd have to be a real piece of shit to argue with at press time your mom has declined to comment ring chunks
looking for a hot new way to connect with your boo while hitting the books whether youre in desperate need of a study break or just looking to spice things up evans library has six sexy floors to choose from keep reading to learn what floor you choose says about you! floor 1: youre daring you dont care what people think of you or maybe you just enjoy making love to the sound of colored printers either way this is a bold choice but we respect it floor 2: youre moving up in the world and by moving up we mean you made it up one set of stairs before losing all control theres plenty of background noise so youre the kind of person who can take a risk but still wants to play it safe floor 3: sex on a silent floor that could be risky business depending on the activity level but hey anyone stuck studying on a silent floor could probably use the entertainment every now and then youre not afraid of consequences and are probably just looking for a good story to tell floor 4: this floor is probably your best bet in terms of keeping things on the down-low so you might be on the shier side its the loudest floor by far and if you can snag a study room youre all set for a steamy secret study break floor 5: youre the type of person that needs silence to focus on the task at hand it is another quiet floor though so beware of that student in class who is required to keep her camera on floor 6: lets be honest if youve made it this far up you dont care about who sees and hears you while youre at it but lucky for you despite this being a mostly quiet floor its not technically a silent floor happy humping! hannibal lechner
dear the mugdown im going to cut straight to the chase i miss the old days i miss looking down at kyle field and seeing a hot blond 6 2 man who could carry me home an absolute stud that i would let objectify the absolute shit out of me gone are the days when i looked down at the field and thought damn i would let that man spit in my mouth now i look around and wonder if these guys are old enough to have a provisional drivers license let alone make me the mother of their children dont get me wrong im sure the yell leaders are nice enough some of them have kind eyes two or three of them have a dazzling smile and one of them could even feasibly claim that hes six feet tall but thats not what im here for when im standing in the sun at some 11:00 am game against whatever state university its not the thought that one of the yell leaders might bring flowers when they meet my mom that gives me the strength to carry on its the shimmer of the sun on their sweaty oiled up biceps and the way their white jumpsuit hugs their ass that reminds me what it is to be an aggie in all honesty i couldnt tell you the name of a single guy whos running for yell leader but ill be damned if i havent evaluated them in a multifactorial ranking system stratified by height douche-ness jawline and ability to make me feel like i need to go to confession just for thinking about them on a scale of one to ian moss i want a ranking of at least gavin suel weve changed for good in a lot of ways ags but i would rather go out in a flame of very shallow glory than part with the time-honored tradition of hot yell leaders ill leave you with the quote i think sums my position for one who has [seen hot yell leaders] [not seeing hot yell leaders] is worse than death – bhagavad gita (translated from sanskrit) flash it back ags
at a hangout for her womens organization last tuesday super senior lacie evans felt an involuntary rush of concern as she analyzed this years 5 for yell candidates after an intense self-reflection later that night evans realized she felt a little weird objectifying 19-year-old boys as a 23-year-old student speaking to mugdown reporters evans explained her newfound sense of pedophilia as a freshman the yell leaders were so hot! i mean did you see the class of 2018 now however they just look like my younger brother in high school diana traverson another graduate student agreed back when i was a freshman the yell leaders looked like men now i have to look away during sporting events because im just absolutely disgusted by my previous attraction to the little boys in white upon further research evans perspective on the yell leader race this year appears to be a common theme among older students recent polls for this years election have shown a dramatic decrease in voter turnout amongst female students over 22 years of age milidairy walk
with a campus of more than 72 000 students texas a&m university is full of many self-professed animal lovers these students often adopt puppies or kittens to give them a loving home when living off-campus unfortunately for these animals most people at this university are shit pet owners tiffany hart a member of aggie opals adopted her english springer spaniel puppy chester while taking online classes in the fall of 2020 since the adoption hart has made chester the instagram account @chesterlovesmommy to chronicle their journey together the account features miniature dog sweaters puppuccinos dog park visits and captions written from the perspective of the puppy what it does not feature is hart kenneling chester for nine hours every weekday unfortunately for her dog hart did not make plans for how her schedule would change when classes resumed in person operations sometimes even prolonging chesters confinement by hanging out with her friends well into the night when interviewed by the mugdown hart did not see any issue with her current arrangement i love chester so much and he just makes me smile every day hes so excited whenever i come home sometimes he even pees a little regarding chesters exercise regimen hart proudly proclaimed that she walks him twice a week after getting a puppuccino she claims this routine is a good way to offset the calories of the dog treats that she rewards chester with what do you mean he needs to go on a daily walk im too tired for that when i come home from classes besides where am i supposed to find the time before going out for dinner said hart when asked if she knows how often dogs should be walked some recent evidence suggests hart remembers she has a dog sometimes yesterday at 11:13 pm @chesterlovesmommy posted on instagram with the caption missing these snuggles with my favorite hooman <3 despite all the responsibility that comes with taking care of a living animal hart has no regrets i love being a pet owner and chester is my number one priority century tree hugger & midnight smell
despite covid-19 restrictions texas a&m universitys 2021 family weekend saw record numbers in both attendance and participant satisfaction the chief reason cited for enjoyment by visiting parents was the opportunity to go on a northgate bar crawl for the first time in decades i graduated from texas a&m years ago and since then i havent had much of a chance to go binge drinking said mike mille 84 who returned to college station to spend family weekend with his son and daughter coming back here and drinking a couple of pitchers at the [dixie] chicken with the boys and going off to shiner [park] to chase some tail reminded me what i loved so much about college in aggieland similar sentiment was expressed in exit surveys by many parents both former students and first time visitors of the university in response to this positive reception university officials have moved to rebrand family weekend as a glory days fantasy camp in order to keep the current attendance and satisfaction numbers trending in the right direction family weekend is a tradition that has existed at texas a&m university since 1919 but like other traditions it needs to change with the times said jackie carthell a spokeswoman for the university texas a&m university prides itself on making its visitors feel welcome and what better way to do that than to make them feel like students again the new branding will be topped off with a name change and tagline this year family weekend will be referred to as parents weekend: live like a student again for all marketing purposes kushing library
in a text sent to her roommate group chat texas a&m university freshman and hullabaloo hall resident eliza shane expressed her disgust that high school juniors and seniors can come to visit campus as prospective students shane is currently 18 years old and graduated from high school less than a year ago oh my god its so gross seeing all of those kids on campus shane said in the hullabaloo hotties group text she and her roommates use to communicate what do they even talk about prom theyre just so like young shane still includes high school work experience on her resume and was recently overheard bragging about her nomination to her high schools homecoming court in the fall of 2020 many freshmen struggle to accept the reality that they themselves are not far removed from prospective students visiting campus rather than recognizing the reality of aging these students instead choose to lash out at minors for factors they cannot control like their date of birth and the year their parents enrolled them in kindergarten flash it back ags
in 1963 texas a&m university president general james earl rudder opened enrollment to female students a landmark decision that has led to the current regret of 47% of the universitys student population the university has continuously striven to achieve a culture of excellence however the inclusion of female students was an oversight that requires immediate amending women may deserve a place on campus but that does not mean they actually want one recent polling conducted by the student government association diversity commission revealed 93% of the female population on campus believe the root of their stress and unhappiness is their pursuit of higher education when interviewed aggie feminism club president jebodiah monroe said misogynistic practices by definition are prejudiced against women but as an ally to women i understand that the decision to withdraw from texas a&m is their choice i have no right to an opinion on their vision for the future his afc officer board is already drawing up plans for a better texas a&m and a peaceful transition back to the patriarchal roots of this university womens organizations have already drafted their petitions to begin the transition back to an all-mens school for their sake and the sake of their children they are eagerly awaiting a response from fellow female president banks bims and snap
after their weekly phone call janet ellis disclosed to the mugdown that she wished her son freshman engineering major jack ellis would just take one night off from studying to get caught with an open bottle on northgate this desire was realized as jack detailed how he planned to spend every weekend at hullaballoos collaborative learning center to ensure that hell be auto-admitted to computer science during etam mrs ellis first became concerned for her son in november after a thorough search of his dorm revealed no liquor edibles or condoms seeing his 40 first-semester gpa confirmed suspicions that her son had a major problem i wish jack would learn that success and fulfillment are all about finding balance mrs ellis said i know i was a lot happier in college once i traded 02 from my gpa for a weekly 02 blood alcohol content reading hours later mrs ellis forgot her worries after seeing jacks tech bro cousin computer science major paul ellis show off his new tesla on instagram and post about the alaskan cruise he had gifted his mom with msc alittle
with registration for the big event approaching the texas a&m university student service organization recently announced the change of its official name to the medium event due to a significant drop in volunteers in recent years the national chapters of the one-day service event feel that texas a&m no longer meets the standards to be deemed big chair of social-service junior leadership organization juniors accomplishing wonderful service (jaws) chad roberts claimed the lack of participation is the result of potential volunteers participating in other service events i tried to get everyone excited to do it again this year but they felt they already did enough service in the bryan-college station area for one semester despite the continuous decline in volunteers texas a&m frequently uses the one-day event as an example of the universitys core value of selfless service and many aggies still take pride in the work they do during the annual event it really stinks that fewer people are volunteering considering how big our university is but i still want to participate in order to feel good about myself and put it on my resume said ashley gupta staff assistant for the medium event the organization is unsure how the rebrand will affect the actual 2022 turnout in march but is still determined to make this years event the biggest yet midnight smell
self proclaimed girlboss and mays business school senior alexa harten has allegedly sold over 400 covid-19 at-home tests she acquired for free from texas a&m university harten revealed her business acumen in a linkedin post where she described recognizing a unique opportunity for entrepreneurship when texas a&m began providing free at-home tests while tests remained scarce nationwide harten has made over $20 000 by selling the tests at a 200 percent markup of their retail value harten has reportedly recruited more than 150 students to aid in her business at first i was limited by a&ms rule that only provided each student one test kit per week harten said but then i realized that if i recruited my friends and classmates into an elaborate pyramid scheme i could get an unlimited supply and sell them for a profit on ebay response from the university community has been mixed a university spokesperson stated that the tests were intended for personal use not for resale however lloyd grenich a finance professor lauded harten for her entrepreneurial spirit this is exactly the kind of ingenuity we want in a mays student grenich said my colleagues and i have been talking about nominating alexa to judge the next startup incubator competition although they receive only a small fraction of the profits hartens network of students recruited to pick tests up for her weekly are glad to be involved i love being a boss babe and besides were really just helping the outside community get access to tests! miranda layner said sure i only get paid 50 cents a week on venmo but thats nothing compared to the feeling of being in an authentic community of like-minded gals! weeb king gill & heldenfalls
forgive me father for i have sinned it has been two years since my last confession i overslept for 10 am mass and told my catholic friends i was going to the 5:30 pm one but then i just didnt go at all i lied to my roommates about the dirty dishes in the sink and about who hit our mailbox last weekend it was me but i told my roommates it was our elderly next door neighbor i made out with a guy on the shiner park dance floor for most of the night i know it was lustful but he was wearing a st francis de assisi medal and i thought it was a sign i lied to the bouncer and the bartender at obannons about my fake id i also overindulged in rum and cokes after i told a guy at the bar it was my birthday i skipped silver taps because i said i was going to breakaway instead and then i went to t-shirt tuesday i ate meat during lent last year on multiple fridays but only because i went to antonios after a night out i thought it was after midnight when it was really 11 pm i flipped someone off in the st marys parking lot because i was late and he took my parking spot i prayed for him in mass though if that counts for anything milidairy walk
in the spirit of black history month texas a&m university officials announced plans to dress the sullivan ross statue in timbs and kente cloth the board of regents detailed their hope that they will bring pride to the black student body and inclusivity to the university as a whole they also demonstrated the universitys commitment to making changes for the student body regardless of whether they asked for it or not in a statement from texas a&m university administrators a spokesperson praised the decision sure sully might have been rude to black people back so so long ago but by dressing him like those people they get to reclaim the power back if lin-manuel miranda can do it with hamilton so can we our reporter went on to question what they meant by those people and got a response of you know what i mean and then a wink after last years protests concerning the importance and history of the controversial figure it was reported that president m katherine banks hopes this action will put an end to the issue for the foreseeable future only time will tell how impactful this decision will be as there are plans to depict sully as various cultural figures throughout this next year the mugdown got an exclusive preview of the decorations that will adorn the statue through connections close to the source during march which is womens history month the statue will remain undecorated but students are encouraged to put 79 cents at the feet of sully to commemorate how far women have come in the fight for equal pay when april comes around sully will have a crown of thorns placed upon his head to celebrate easter finally during june which is pride month the statue will simply be dressed in a corps outfit for reasons we all know but are never willing to acknowledge mugdown staff
according to several recent reports valentines day and the recent release of red (taylors version) have caused newly single people to reflect on their past relationships memories of personal belongings left at an ex-partners house are common at this time of year rather than feeling sad about losing their favorite article of clothing some freshly single people have begun to relate their emotions about lost belongings to jake gyllenhaal taking taylor swifts red scarf hostage the ending of a relationship comes with many things: heartbreak isolation and sometimes lost items from your favorite toothbrush to the sweater you wore to ticket pull for the alabama game these things can bring up some uncomfortable conversations with a newly minted ex-significant other ive texted my ex twice already to get some of my things back from him said kyra savege a recently dumped junior he replied each time but hasnt made any real plans to return my box of stuff as much as i want my stuff back knowing that hes holding onto my members-only fish camp sweater is making me feel a little bit like ive won in this breakup several freshly-single men have reached out to the mugdown asking what it means to be the jake gyllenhaal of the relationship it was found that pointing them to the lyrics of all too well (10 minute version) (taylors version) (from the vault) has provided a solid definition mugdown staff
as the first round of spring exams begin many students have flocked to campus to find a designated study spot away from their loud roommates with untrained pets and obnoxious significant others while there seem to be many places to choose from across the sprawling texas a&m university campus many of these spaces are actually terrible spots for studying on northside zachry offers many charging stations but lacks the desk space needed for any work when working on differential equations i can charge my laptop for class but i cant use a pencil and paper to work through my math homework said tucker rainer an electrical engineering major this building may have been designed for students but theres no way it was designed for students who are trying to get anything done different issues exist for west campus students for business students confined to just one building limited food options make studying on campus a struggle the blcc is a great place to study if you dont mind the fact that you never leave one area but how can i be expected to spend late nights on west campus if there is nowhere to eat i am so tired of copperhead jacks already! said junior accounting major allie newson several food options are available to students on central campus especially in the memorial student center all areas claiming to have been designed with students in mind however lack seating altogether while this area has been called the living room of campus many students can be seen sitting on the floor when they cant find a seat with one of the countrys largest student bodies one might think texas a&ms study spaces would be more useful for actually studying however the lack of tables desks and food options on the far edges of campus lead many students to find the campus inhospitable as campus expands it remains to be seen if the university campus will ever be conducive to the studying part of being a student hannibal lechner
in a shocking move freshman class president anthony calascione put forward a motion to texas a&m university administration requesting one full day of excused absences for significant others of high school students to allow them to attend prom the proposed amendment to the student rules would add support for college partners to [be] present for the most important step in a young serious relationship the initiative is largely backed by freshmen from houston suburbs such as cypress katy and the woodlands calascione himself has a stake in this amendment as his significant other is a senior at katy high school with most houston-area cities being within an hour and a half drive from college station anywhere from 65-75% of age-separated relationships from this part of texas stay together when one attends texas a&m as boasted by calascione this success rate shows a significant increase from the national average of 24% these students argue that since they are such a large demographic the university should consider granting them an excused absence policy i have no idea what youre talking about said general joe ramirez the vice president of student affairs when reached for comment time will only tell if the motion will be approved but what is undeniable is the inseparable bonds between college freshmen and high school seniors divided by miles but united by the unstoppable force of love century swingers
fashion is something we take very seriously here at the mugdown with valentines day fast approaching we want to give our readers the best shot at impressing that cutie across the classroom in order to do so we conducted extensive research through classroom audits to provide the biggest colleges with the best course of action when it comes to dressing themselves for class mays business school: we know you have your eye on that future investment banker in finc 341 why dont you say something oh it must be because you are wearing worn out converse and your high school homecoming shirt business casual is a must (designer brands preferred) although anything from mays exchange will work in a pinch just make sure to wear your mays hat no matter what otherwise they may think you are just a business minor college of engineering: we hope we caught you on your way to lab because jeans and tennis shoes would not fly anywhere else although you may be embarrassed by the goggle marks on your face you cannot hide in that zachry study room forever that cute sec girl is just around the corner and waiting for you to buy her a coffee at starbucks ditch the toyota polo and zip-up hoodie for a tesla shirt if you really want to impress her dont forget to take a shower or put on some deodorant before walking up to her (we heard girls dont like greasy hair and the smell of a day-old red bull) college of liberal arts: as the great mark twain once said clothes make the man for many of you thrifted jeans that are four sizes too big and knockoff doc martens are the norm however you are not going to impress anybody outside of the liberal arts and humanities building with that fit upgrade to some hokas and lululemon and stop wasting time poring over old books and poems the only reading you should be doing is reading the room for a new honey college of agriculture and life sciences: duck hunting season just ended so theres no need for the camo jacket a carhartt will do just fine we also reckon you keep on your boots and khakis or whitewash wranglers honestly as long as you are avoiding crocs and hey dudes you are in the clear athletes: this may not be a major but we know it is the only reason you are here you deserve a spot on this list because you probably have the best drip out of anyone we know however we would be surprised if you guys had anything in your wardrobe without an adidas logo on it maybe its all free but surely you have some other options than that faded maroon tracksuit honestly we would probably also spend our money on gucci slides if we had an nil contract but we are just looking for some off-the-court creativity if these tips and tricks have opened your eyes to a new world of fashion possibilities you are welcome if you still choose to stay stuck in your old ways after this whole list then best of luck when february 14th rolls aroundyou will need it house boyz ii men & batt for both teams
howdy army we just wanted to take a moment to reach out and thank you for continuing to read the mugdown after all these years its been a crazy wild ride and were glad you were here through the old memories and for the new ones as well tell us how are the kids and the spouse hows the ole 401k doing i know that the stock market has been crazy even though its been quite a while since youve haunted the memorial student center or put a penny on sully its still great to see you interacting with our posts it always makes us so happy when old people figure out how to use facebook and instagram not that youre old of course youre just… a millennial sure our articles probably fuel that incessant nagging in your mind that your best years are far behind you as you now experience constant mediocrity in suburbia also we think you are probably due for your first mid-life crisis at any moment but hey buddy its not all fun and games down here either in between nights at dollar beers the chicken and avoiding major life decisions sometimes we also have homework anyways thank you for staying a loyal reader of the mugdown all jokes aside you old farts are our biggest fans and we appreciate all your comments likes and shares milidairy walk
following a third consecutive trivia victory senior telecommunications major ross hodges berated his friends for discounting the contribution of his pop culture answers to their teams recent success according to eyewitness accounts hodgess rant was prompted by his teammate saying good thing derek and i took modern physics last semester! just after results were announced after hearing his friends dismissal of his abilities hodges ranted for several minutes about how his memorization of ke$has entire discography and knowledge of which characters die in each quentin tarantino movie is much more difficult than remembering the names of three physicists he concluded his rant by taking out his phone calculator to show that he had scored the most points and to prove that he can also do differential equations i dont understand why he thinks he deserves so much credit said drew patterson an electrical engineering major and hodgess teammate sure he answered some questions that we didnt know but they were just the questions that anyone with free time would know after discussing their falling-out the rest of hodgess team resolved not to apologize or give any further appreciation to their teammate for his role in the victory concluding that hodges does not deserve praise just because he picked a major where he can watch movies and listen to music all day while the rest of us have to study msc alittle
according to a breaking report your boyfriend of three months just told you that he is in the mugdown this claim occurred after you confronted him about where he was last night when he said he was at torchys with his grace bible church small group but his location showed that he was at a house in the historic district sources indicate that when pressed for an answer your boyfriend paused for a moment before blurting out im actually a writer for the mugdown and thats where we have our secret meetings i couldnt tell you because i wasnt sure if i could trust you but now ive decided its time for you to know he followed this up with a forced smile and an awkward shift in his chair according to the mugdowns meeting records we have never met at a house in the historic district currently occupied by sarah emily granderson a junior education major and member of your boyfriends small group she does not know that you exist but you definitely know she does after your boyfriend told you that she was just a friend last week our records also suggest that your boyfriend is decidedly not in the mugdown and is definitely cheating on you at press time your boyfriend was struggling to tell you what articles he had written what his pseudonym was and how long he had been in the mugdown experts predict that your relationship will be over before our next article is published flash it back ags
having braved the long arduous walk from her hart hall dorm room freshman jackie hill stunned all onlookers when she passed over the threshold of the memorial student center (msc) without removing the maroon and white beanie from her head the beanie in question was not taken off until hill had claimed an empty table and unpacked her backpack in the flag room an act that took an estimated ten minutes i didnt even think about it hill said when asked about the incident i was so focused on getting a table away from the piano that i didnt even think about the beanie until i was already all set up while she did not notice her transgression approximately 37 other students and visitors in the msc did like many other students hill has taken to wearing a beanie around campus to protect her head and ears from the recent cold weather as a living memorial the msc requests visitors to remove their hats with a printed diagram of someone taking their hat off at all entrances some students however are confused about what is considered a hat while some aggies have taken a hard stance on all nonreligious head coverings many are too busy and too cold themselves to point the beanie issue out when interviewed bythe mugdown hill said that she does not consider a beanie an official hat i dont think a beanie is the same thing as a baseball cap in terms of disrespect hill said but if someone had told me to take the beanie off i probably would have radio reveille
youre a good house boy said sarah as she seductively wiped the remaining spaghetti and meatballs from a plate in the kitchen sink matthew let his eyes scan sarahs body for just a moment her platform sandals her white denim skirt her tucked in t-shirt and hair scarf the kendra scott jewelry she adorned herself with topped off the look the scents of her old spice fiji deodorant and victorias secret pink body mist pervaded the air oh hubba hubba what a woman he thought i did my self-tanning routine last night sarah added oh just for you for me i knew youd be here it is wednesday night dinner after all and this is your job i was just lucky a little test or class project didnt keep you away sarah said as she adjusted kyles tie youre my favorite house boy and why is that the lights in the sorority mansions kitchen were dim all the other house boys had left kyle to finish up the dishes and the girls of apple theta pie had returned to their rooms for pillow fights in their underwear and boy talk you have ocean blue eyes golden brown hair the most perfect dad bod and youre the soon-to-be president of sigma tau alpha my tennis shoes are always the whitest… mhmm sarah ran her soapy hand through kyles flowing locks you have a girlfriend kyle just a couple crazy exes im…not ready for a relationship we can still hook up though kyle and sarah both knew very well that relationships between girls in the sorority and house boys were forbidden if they were caught together sarah would be sent to standards and kyle would lose his job leaving him to rely only on daddys monthly allowance can i ask you a question kyle i guess… will you be my house toy thanks & gingham
with the announcement of the new college of arts and sciences many majors will be grouped together into one cohesive program soon students with liberal arts majors will be able to claim membership in a stem program as these students are predominantly female the university is expected to see a large jump in the number of women in stem on campus i know my field of study hasnt changed at all but now that its an arts and sciences program i think i can embrace the title of woman in stem said anthropology major tiffany stope maybe now my family will see the value of my degree and stop asking me how i plan to get a job after graduation another former liberal arts student echoed this sentiment for so long people have just let me say im in steam but if the arts and sciences can be grouped together for academic purposes i dont see why i cant claim the title of woman in stem said communication major emelia reston despite the engineering departments attempts to gatekeep membership it is hard to refute claims of stem ownership as the college of arts and sciences is established hannibal lechner
last friday members of the campus organization freshmen understanding universal lessons (fuul) were overheard discussing how tired they were of other freshmen in fuul and how ready they were to be on staff with the other actually cool people the group took turns talking about which fuul committee they would lead next year and where they would take their committee reveal photos im most excited to help my freshman find their lifelong friends just like i did said jayden olaez a freshman and current member of fuul i was able to identify at the first meeting who in fuul will be at my wedding and who i will never talk to all year so i have all the expertise necessary to help next years freshmen create a similar divide during an informational on staff positions held the following night the mood of the clique noticeably soured i cant believe this years staff is taking questions from the other freshmen said shannon ming a freshman in the fuul cool clique its been obvious all year how much staff missed the mark during admissions but now im starting to think theyre going to give the other freshmen staff positions out of pity minutes later the groups demeanor had drastically improved when ming pointed out that they could always start a cooler flo if they didnt get staff for fuul msc alittle
according to eyewitnesses daniel deacon regularly attends class wearing khaki shorts and a comfort colors t-shirt collected from his involvement in various organizations most of his peers claim that he is a normal sociable 20-year-old despite the fact that deacon was homeschooled the mugdown was able to interview deacon between his intramural volleyball game and breakaway deacon a junior biology major said that his transition from homeschooling to college was pretty chill having taken several dual-credit classes at ut san antonio the structure of college courses was familiar to him city-league sports also helped deacon get to know his hometown peers and he is still roommates with several members of his baseball team a recent battalion poll asked readers: what are some telltale signs that a student was homeschooled before coming to texas a&m some of the top answers collected were: wears long denim skirts still lives with parents and can recite at least five of weird al yankovics songs despite the audience consensus regarding those typical traits none of them seem to describe deacon deacon acknowledges that some homeschool stereotypes hold true his parents own a 15-passenger van refuse to use smartphones keep chickens in the backyard of their suburban home and regard tim hawkins as the pinnacle of comedy though deacon says that none of those choices impacted his social development on the other hand my brother went to seminary after leaving home and that dude is freaking weird deacon said west campus mirage
earlier today the eta omega chapter of the phi sigma upsilon fraternity at texas a&m university announced the creation of a pledge track designed for potential new members (pnms) with gluten sensitivities coincidentally this announcement comes following the indictment and fining of phi sigma upsilon for alcohol-related hazing during the 2021 rush season under the new pledge track pnms will have the option to replace beer with angry orchard a naturally gluten-free alcoholic cider the new pledge track does not address how this will affect the liquor offered at rush events nor does it mention the effects that mass consumption of alcohol can have on the human body regardless of alcohol type i think that adding a gluten-free pledge track will really cater to our pledges with sensitive tummies said phi sig rush chair weston stoll the problem people had with alcohol in past years is definitely just because of the gluten present in beer not because of how much they were made to drink stoll is also currently under investigation by the interfraternity council for forcing a pledge to consume a fifth of gin his family drink during the 2021 big/little reveal several former gluten-intolerant pnms of phi sigma upsilon do not feel that the updated pledge track addresses the underlying problem the stuff they made us drink in the past was naturally gluten-free said a former pnm who wished to remain anonymous last year i got alcohol poisoning when one of the brothers made me drink a half gallon of rum during rush week they wouldnt even take me to the hospital because they ‘didnt want to get sanctioned and ‘i could just sleep it off at press time phi sigma upsilon had yet to issue any comments related to the allegations of former pnms it was clear however that they plan to continue overlooking the actual problem at hand in the interest of brotherhood flash it back ags
an upcoming update for ios-supported devices will introduce a feature to prevent users from immediately texting their crush back this new feature has been long requested by college students to eliminate text back anxiety and the associated feelings of social inadequacy with this update even the most desperate students will be able to play hard-to-get acting disinterested in your crush is reportedly the most effective way to make them wonder what they are missing out on however some individuals still struggle with self-control and are eager to have real-time text conversations by enabling this new feature it becomes simple to match someones energy and avoid social responsibilities with instant messaging being a thing of the past the new feature makes it even easier to lead someone on by locking imessage responses for a prespecified amount of time users may appear as if they are living a busy and fulfilling life instead of waiting by their phone for a response from their crush the feature was tested by a small pool of users and was found to be highly effective at increasing text response time i was messing around with the settings and i accidentally set the timer to 8 weeks ghosting my long-distance boyfriend in the process said alexis baker an early beta tester testers reported that text conversations utilizing the feature lasted a full day longer than usual with an average time of 42 minutes between texts soiled science
for the upcoming fall football season texas a&m university has announced an expansion of the current clear bag policy that will include attendees clothing while some religious groups on campus have protested the immodesty of this policy the university has remained firm in their decision claiming it to be in the interest of safety according to texas a&m the only non-clear garments allowed for attendees will be white or maroon undergarments there is no way to prevent game attendees from concealing weapons or alcohol under their clothing without this rule an anonymous university official said despite the outcry from students the st marys community and alumni there are no plans to ease restrictions we are deeply concerned about the profits a&m has been losing from students smuggling in their own food and drinks oh and safety of course aggieland outfitters and other nearby boutiques have already begun catering to this new policy for just $5999 students can purchase clear plastic overalls with maroon seaming and transparent red pockets we are so excited to offer this new line of clothing said a spokesperson for a local store in century square we are offering innovative technology like crotch vents to combat the heat and glitter with plastic fabrics for extra flair century tree hugger
this weekend panda express posted a new sign in front of their memorial student center location advertising a new compensation plan to bring in fresh talent starting in february new hires can expect to receive up to 15 fortune cookies per hour subject to work experience panda express management has stated that their new mission is to keep not only customers satisfied but employees as well employee retention has been an internal concern at locations such as the msc in the past and panda expresss new program is tailored toward their younger employees such as students we decided to pay our employees in a commodity so they wouldnt have to spend all their time using actual money to buy goods and services said sandra billings the manager of the msc panda express fortune cookies can be eaten for any meal given as gifts or you can even pay back a college loan with enough of them this streamlines our employees personal lives so they can get back to work in time for the 6 pm dinner rush according to employees of the msc location many suffer from burnout which often leads to a resignation or firing despite the appeal of the new compensation program many employees are torn on its efficacy some employees still believe it will do nothing to relieve undue stress by their managers and general lack of useful cash while others claim to foresee great financial prosperity in their future plaid libs
in what is being called the greatest betrayal of the decade matthew desoto a member of the christian mens organization being awesome men of christ (bamc) has decided to no longer take up his cross abandoning the one-inch silver cross necklace he had worn every day since being gifted it by his middle school mentor i dont see why this is a big deal i just realized i had no actual reason to be wearing it anymore said desoto just before being asked to renounce his bamc membership desotos peers reportedly noticed and were appalled by his sudden lack of jewelry expressing concern for his mental health and worry that he must be taking a trip down a dark path in an official statement jared berkeley president of bamc explained what drove him to the final decision to remove desoto from the organization if he were a real man of substance he would wear that necklace berkeley said how else will he evangelize how else is he supposed to communicate to potential girlfriends that hes got character without actually having to prove it to them a world where guys have to explicitly tell girls that theyre christians instead of passively implying it with a necklace is not a world i want to live in desoto is reportedly planning on getting a tattoo in hebrew in order to redeem himself and potentially reconcile with the christian bubble mugdown staff
dear mugdown i am writing on behalf of concerned parties to address the entire student body of texas a&m university what happened this past fall was inexcusable and downright criminal in many polite societies what am i talking about the fact that the fall 2021 semester was probably the most boring-ass semester of my entire career here at texas a&m gone are the days of petty corps drama sorority scandals and the telenovela known as fish camp hell even the machine doesnt think its as all-consuming as it once was what a weak bunch of aggies if ive ever seen one and trust me ive seen plenty in mens organizations remember that time the actual former governor of texas tried to get involved in a student election or when fish camp chairs decided to drink at lakeview and got kicked out those were the good times when people actually did things and made a name for themselves on this campus apparently last semester everyone decided to play nice on campus even though i know theres hatred in peoples hearts somewhere how am i supposed to graduate at some point if there are no stories and no people ill still gossip about when im five years deep into my corporate job i think its about time we start creating drama again through whatever means necessary whether that be through toxic flo culture or once again letting the most problematic people into our orgs i cant be a mugdown writer if yall make me actually like this university im tired of this kumbaya shit lets get messy again texas a&m milidairy walk
for anyone who has studied in the msc flag room the sound of a woefully untalented musician is nothing foreign one entrepreneurial student has announced her intention to improve the music quality of the room by hosting music lessons at the flag room piano she plans to start her business using knowledge from her incomplete business degree one day while i was studying finance in the flag room i realized that the music in the background could use some coaching said isabel roche a senior management major it was then and there that i decided to start hosting music lessons in the flag room for anyone wanting to play the piano without causing nearby students to reach for their headphones roche has determined that she can save on the costs of hosting music lessons by using the equipment already provided in the flag room its great i dont have to worry about bringing any materials for these lessons roche said sure people studying might have to suffer through my criticism of each student and the endless repeating of c major scales but its in their best interest that my students eventually learn to play well in the flag room while some may feel that a full music lesson being hosted in a shared student area is a waste of campus resources roche insists that her new business design provides a convenient way to teach piano to the students who would otherwise force others to endure their poor playing in the flag room anyways when asked about the available practice rooms in the msc basement roche insisted that the spaces were not applicable to her teaching model my students need to learn how to perform under pressure by playing for the captive msc flag room audience hannibal lechner
with the end of winter break writers for the mugdown are returning to campus for the spring semester in addition to taking classes the writers are expected to produce satirical content for the organization they willingly joined thanks and gag ‘em a tenured writer within the organization is reportedly struggling to readjust to the grueling expectations of membership its just really hard to sit down and write three paragraphs making fun of other people said gag ‘em who once published a record-breaking 14 articles in one semester i know i only have to produce three or four articles a semester and that i joined this organization under my own volition and knowing the requirements to maintain membership but it you know what im not even going to pretend that this is an article anymore maybe i started writing this as a thinly veiled attempt to make some point that we put a lot of work into this silly little organization and it can get a little tiresome but lets drop the pretense and acknowledge that i just want to complain every semester is the same once a month i write some meaningless little piece that maybe 30 people look at i send the link to the article to my mom and she thinks its great maybe youll look at it and send it to one of your roommates maybe ill even get the thrill of one of my friends showing me my own article but you know what im tired were tired i just refused to use critical thought for five consecutive weeks and now i have to think up some drivel about bootchasers or fish camp again in reality though its not that much work when you really think about it maybe the batt would have you think we slave for hours over every excruciating detail hoping against hope that a big broadcast will use our picture so we can tweet about it sometimes writers block will get you but i guess its not that hard to sit down and write a piece about how beige campus is and you know what it feels amazing when i see the social media likes on my pieces it feels so goddamn good to get the validation of people that i dont even know the thrill i get when im sitting at my dining room table and one of my roommates comes and shows me something i wrote about greek life is unparalleled shoot sometimes i work on articles in the flag room just to see if anyone will notice i am exclusively here for the attention and by god do i love it so yeah it can get a little repetitive maybe sometimes i would rather do anything other than write but i signed up to do this so ill be damned if im not going to get the attention i deserve for it happy spring readers i hope you enjoy what we have for you this semester flash it back ags
yesterday graduating senior meredith mulens was denied her diploma because of a parking ticket she received during her graduation ceremony mulens had parked outside of reed arena where a motorcade of segways from the transportation services department laid in wait for the graduating class due to last years online classes and limited study space on campus transportation services experienced a severe loss of parking ticket revenue we can barely afford to maintain the cappuccino machine in the office now said charley king an employee in the department we already had to give up the massage chairs in the lounge the parking ticket was entered into the system only minutes before mulens walked the stage preventing her from receiving her diploma until she pays the fine mulens raised concern about the speed of the process as she recalls it took over three weeks for the university to fulfill her financial aid request earlier in the semester im frustrated about paying even more money sure said mulens but what could be a more appropriate way to finish my college career than finding a little white paper in my windshield wiper in lot 100 aggie faceplant
citing their duty to protect victims of sexual assault the university police department (upd) emailed faculty staff and students a detailed crime report of an incident that took place two days ago per laws that exist to protect the anonymity of victims the email included information such as the time location circumstances of the crime a physical description of the perpetrator and a detailed sequence of the events of the crime the email also described the nature of the assault and the victims response but the victims name was withheld this email was sent in accordance with the clery act a federal law that mandates the reporting of crime by universities that receive federal funding established in 1990 following the murder of a student at lehigh university the clery act requires universities to supply timely warnings crime statistics crime logs and annual security reports to the general public although there are no specific requirements for what information should be included in a timely warning outside of the time of the report and the time and general location of the crime we find that chronicling the crime in excruciating detail is the key to reaching the student body a representative for upd said how else can we prevent crime besides exploiting peoples interest in graphic details a victim whose assault was described in a clery act email last month agreed to share her thoughts on the universitys email structure i mean it was a little awkward when my roommate jokingly asked if i knew anything about the assault mentioned in the email since our exact apartment complex was mentioned she said my mom called me because she saw the email posted on an aggie parents facebook group i havent even had time yet to figure out how im going to tell her and i definitely dont want her to know so much about what happened to me anne guerren a sexual assault victim advocate offered her thoughts on the policy i understand its intention to promote safety she said but as a sexual assault survivor myself i dread receiving the universitys clery act emails it dredges up painful memories the crime alert emails also include a statement advising the community that sexual assault is never a victims fault before going on to list fifteen steps all people should take to avoid sexual assault thats great and all guerren said if they werent inviting the entire community to pass judgment and speculate by publishing irrelevant and unnecessary details heldenfalls
facing the mounting pressure of graduation and his dwindling relevance in student organizations senior carter jackson was reportedly very emotional about his final visit to the glory hole in hecc prior to the trip jackson found himself getting sentimental about other student life activities such as taking the bus or bumming meal swipes off freshmen at a particularly low point he was found crying in the obannons bathroom after realizing he would not finish his beer card before graduation i knew it was going to make me sad to see the new officer board for my organization when i wouldnt be on it said jackson who is set to move to a dallas suburb and live alone after graduation ill definitely visit college station at first ill come back for football games in the fall because im afraid of letting go i will finally have enough money for northgate because of my soul-crushing office job but it wont be fun anymore everyone i care about will have moved on during an interview with the mugdown jackson referenced his inescapable existential dread several times after feeling lonely and isolated in grade school jackson thrived in college when asked about his plans after graduation he reported anxiety about the inevitable start of his journey towards hating his wife not understanding technology and drinking a six-pack of beer after work every night i dont know why im crying at the thought of never putting my member through a hole in the wall again jackson said of all the things i knew id have a hard time saying goodbye to i didnt expect a warm hand in a bathroom stall to be on that list ring chunks & blue biker
this monday texas a&m university lecturer randall walterson was blindsided by an email he received from a student who neglected to include their section number in the correspondence walterson claims that without a section number there is no way to authenticate that the email was actually sent by one of his students so he has marked it as spam and blocked the sender to avoid further risk i have never been so disrespected in all my 28 years of teaching walterson said to his management course as a student it worker behind him opened his powerpoint lecture for him either some hacker was trying to con me or one of you failed to let me know your uin and section number and frankly im not sure which is worse walterson is notorious for being hard on his students in order to prepare them for the real world despite this many of his students believe his preaching contradicts his inability to do many of the basic tasks expected of an educator of his position according to a student claiming to be the sender the email only requested clarification on if students would be expected to bring scantrons to the final exam the student has requested to remain anonymous at this time to avoid becoming the target of their professors tirades plaid libs
after claiming to be a senior by hours for three years finance major daniel samson has finally chosen to claim the title of fifth-year by hours in a shocking turn of events however investigators have learned that he will not in fact be graduating anytime soon regardless of his self-touted classification the mugdown asked samson to elaborate on why he will not be graduating soon despite his apparent extra year well if you want to get into the details ive only been enrolled for three and a half years samson said i may be a fifth-year by hours but i still need more time to meet all my degree requirements while samson clearly has not been in any rush to complete his degree he has no problem claiming the extra year despite graduation being nowhere in sight at press time samson is on track to be a six-and-a-half-year by the time he graduates however samson has managed to leave out this detail while he feigns superiority to other students though he has not been here any longer than other students his age he claims that his hours have given him more experience than others you know when youre a fifth-year by hours you pretty much have everything figured out said samson those sophomores and juniors by hours just wouldnt understand while his graduation may be a ways away samson feels confident that it is fast approaching hannibal lechner
graduate student sadie stern recently announced that her struggle with feelings of inadequacy is over after spending almost an entire semester with her peers stern has developed a superiority complex so vile it will corrupt all future interactions with others once fearful that her slowness to learn and inability to spell receipt correctly on the first try would label her an outcast in her graduate program stern reports that her feelings of worthlessness were unable to withstand her blistering disapproval of her peers among the most egregious offenders to sterns psyche were doctoral candidates old enough to be her parents sterns feelings of insecurity evaporated as she watched her peers argue over the best place to purchase a chicken sandwich in college station and struggle to send a professional email their backwards views on modern medicine politics and traditional gender roles all helped assuage her feelings that she would be the stupidest person in the room at all times although initially glad that her imposter syndrome was cured stern is now worried that this is the beginning of a lifelong struggle with her own ego ring chunks
this week balfour announced they will now offer prestigious custom piercings to all fish camp counselors and crew that made this past summer a success gone are the days of relying on the local tattoo and piercing parlors to get the job done as balfour has bought out these facilities and is offering their services complimentary with purchase at the koldus building members of fish camp will even be able to engrave their camp history in their piercing if desired just as the esteemed aggie ring connects aggies all around the world nose rings and eyebrow piercings connect fish camp counselors all around the texas a&m university campus as the aggie ring signifies an aggies undying love for their university and commitment to its values these piercings reflect the counselors undying need for attention and desire to set themselves apart from just any regular aggie student every time i see someone on campus with a septum or eyebrow piercing i ask them what camp they were in and then we talk about our mutual friends in fish camp said first-year counselor tristan stewart now we have some real incentives to improve our recruitment and increase retention! because our numbers were a little low this year director staff had been thinking of ways to pique the interest of potential counselors for the future of the organization said head director jenna schmidt with the introduction of this new tradition counselors have already considered what they will do to make their aggie piercing day even more special i cant wait to dunk my new aggie nose ring and eyebrow piercing in the ice berry blue that i brought home from camp this summer! i had been waiting for the right time to drink it and i think i have finally found the perfect occasion said second-year counselor julia bowers while balfour has said that there have been requests for them to get into the lip tattoo business as well they seem to be taking things one step at a time regardless of balfours involvement in body modifications theres one thing that will never change: the iconic piercings that counselors get last longer than continuity ever does house boyz ii men
last wednesday at 2:16 pm tenured professor dr lainey rowan was found teaching her math 140 class in a dark heldenfels classroom while wearing a sunhat and sunglasses although the course syllabus required her to teach calculus she happily educated her room full of confused students on the topic of bitcoin while sipping liquid from an unlabeled flask my friends told me to retake calculus for the gpa boost said freshman math major davis mcclainny i dont think what shes teaching is calculus but she also doesnt take questions during class so we couldnt actually tell her an examination of the grade distribution of rowan and other tenured professors classes found that nearly all of their gpa distributions were above a 35 this was likely due to the fact that not a single student received a graded paper that semester and all did phenomenally well when asked to comment on the situation as well as the teaching material for the course rowan declined with a rude hand gesture walking quickly from our mugdown reporter do rev mi
according to witnesses at your residence in college station your roommate is definitely having sex right now your roommate did not know that you and your other roommates were home but is seemingly unconcerned with the repercussions that their actions might have on the group living environment approximately 10 minutes ago your roommate invited their significant other into their room to watch this cool movie youve probably never seen on netflix sources indicate the film in question was the 2012 action flick the dark knight rises knowing your roommate this movie was chosen for its incredibly long run time dramatic music and sexually frustrated overtones approximately five minutes ago the movie volume suddenly and inexplicably rose it was at this point that you walked into the kitchen to investigate the source of the noise upon deducing that it was coming from your roommates bedroom you joined your other roommates in the living room which borders the bedroom in question approximately three minutes ago a rhythmic banging began against the shared wall a steady moan began to emanate through the house the sound of which was inconsistent with the plot of the movie reports suggest that it was at this point your roommate ceased to watch the film and instead decided to engage in an animalistic sexual encounter with their significant other at press time the noises from your roommates bedroom had ceased suggesting that one party might be embarrassed and could potentially be making a hasty exit within the hour based on previous experience it can be expected that your roommate will attempt to explain the obvious noises of two adults having sex as just trying to find a comfortable way to lay down and watch the movie before asking how long you and your other roommates had been home for flash it back ags
earlier this week teaching assistant (ta) rosa joyce blew the whistle on a large conspiracy surrounding the inflation of her bosss rate my professor scores professor jeffrey cunningham a tenured faculty member in the college of engineering as well as other prominent professors have denied accusations despite the majority of the reviews on their pages being sourced from the ip addresses of tas past and present i have always prided myself on my completely genuine rate my professor score its proven by the fact that while covering dense material i am met with the fixed stares and silence of a working mind the lack of questions can only indicate that the students are comprehending the subject while i understand why an underpaid ta might be angry i find these baseless lies appalling said professor cunningham the fraudulent reviews made students expect an easy a and with cunningham this means they wind up q-dropping the class said joyce she reports now being overrun with students attending office hours due to the professors break-neck paced tangent-ridden lecture style i had to bring attention to this issue not only because of my conscience but also for my sleep schedule mugdown correspondents viewing cunninghams rate my professor page said the reviews were extremely positive and the difference between them and the experience of current students was stark some reviews read as follows: wow! i love professor cunningham so much! he is handsome funny and really knows his stuff lectures were never boring the class is hard but professor cunningham is great! it was the busiest class i had all semester but he made it completely wonderful the class is not easy but the work is doable if you attend lectures the prof is pretty chill so i advise that you ask him questions before bothering the ta dr cunninghams expectations are clear and he is really good at what he does i agreed with everything he said because he makes many good points and he is such an entertaining and dynamic lecturer if i could give 10 stars i would joyce told the mugdown that she is very grateful to have been freed from this scheme to improve professor cunninghams academic image however mugdown sources report that soon after this scandal flyers have been found in the bathrooms of buildings across campus advertising quick improvement in rate my professor scores for $15 per review squat pilgrim and clockwork maroon
as finals approach students flock to campus to study while there seem to be many places to choose from on texas a&m universitys massive campus many of these spaces are actually terrible study spots on the north side of campus the zachry engineering education complex is rife with charging stations but lacks the desk space needed for any hard-working engineer when working on differential equations i can charge my laptop for class but i have no way to use a pencil and paper to work through my math homework said electrical engineering major tucker rainer this building may have been designed for students but theres no way it was designed for anyone whos trying to work students on west campus face different obstacles in their quest to camp out at school the blcc is a great place to study if you dont mind the fact that you never leave it all week how can i be expected to spend late nights there if there is nowhere to eat said junior accounting major allie newson at the memorial student center there are several food options but all areas designed with students in mind lack seating altogether while the flag room has been called the living room of campus the mass of students that overwhelm the space are often found sitting on the floor with one of the countrys largest student bodies one might think the universitys study spaces would be more useful for actually studying with the lack of tables desks and food options on campus many students find it to be an inhospitable study space as campus expands it remains to be seen if the university will ever be conducive for the studying part of being a student hannibal lechner
during the football game on saturday your psyche was permanently altered after seeing yourself on the kyle field jumbotron while you had previously been confident in your choice of outfit your brain immediately reverted to middle school insecurities following your five-second spotlight for the past three years you have relied on photographing yourself from the same four angles to avoid confronting changes in your physical appearance while you know it would be unrealistic to maintain the same figure you had while competing in two high school sports the unsolicited view of the true shape of your body unlocked a core memory of being in an american eagle fitting room with your mom and six pairs of skinny jeans as you spiral over the cruelty of time and its toll on the human body you decide to look at tagged pictures of your friends who have also found their way onto the jumbotron as you scroll through these photos you realize that no one looks good when caught by surprise and the scoreboard must add at least 15 pounds to everyones appearance you sigh in relief content to avoid perceiving your physical appearance until you inevitably catch a glimpse of yourself walking by the big windows on the first floor of rudder tower next week flash it back ags
after a review of the current campus climate texas a&m university officials announced that diversity will be ruled down by forward progress and evaluated based on the best spot that it had attained in accordance with ncaa and sec rules moreover any future controversial event that might move the perceived state of equity and inclusion on campus backwards will be inconsequential as diversity has already been marked at a better spot before the backward motion began i know it might seem like something could happen that would make us reconsider whether weve made any diversity progress said gen joe ramirez interim vice president for student affairs but weve already moved the chains; the ball has broken the plane and weve gotten a touchdown there isnt really any need to go further once youve put those points on the board and theres certainly nothing that could happen after the whistle that could impact it negatively at press time the division of student affairs was scrambling to put out a new statement after learning about unsportsmanlike conduct penalties mugdown staff
another semester has flown by which means its time once again to say goodbye to our own graduating senior members just as one anxiously waits for the next bit of our content to reach the public so have these friends of ours been waiting to be made known to the world their time contributing to the mugdown is coming to an end but the legacy and satire they leave behind will live on congratulations to our graduating seniors!
this past monday during a match between new kicks on the block and one kick wonders two recreational league kickball teams star kicker and texas a&m university junior jordan ferguson was struck by a severe calf cramp while running the bases following this injury intramural referees gave ferguson a choice between shaming his team with a ghost out or execution by firing squad here at intramural sports we are committed to maintaining the integrity of our recreational division games said connor bartram a referee for intramural sports in order to accomplish this we have a low tolerance for injuries on the field cramps broken bones and hard falls are no excuse to leave the field offering our injured athletes an honorable death not only puts them out of their misery but it also speeds up the game in order to operate on our tight schedules to ensure a quick painless death injured players are taken to the back corner of penberthy field one near the chain link fence the referees then place a hood over the condemneds head and begin to play amazing grace on bagpipes while the others carry out the execution the body is then rolled over the fence and down the hill into the ditch behind penberthy fergusons teammates were unaware of his honorable death believing instead that he had been carried by the referees to the medical station some time during the third inning we heard a gunshot said elizabeth wilingham fergusons teammate the referees assured us it was unrelated either way im just so glad we didnt have to take a ghost out like complete losers at press time fergusons ethereal voice could be heard from beyond the grave in the penberthy parking lot extolling his gratitude for the mercy of the referees and their commitment to the game crygon & flash it back ags
at your last game you accidentally revealed your horrifying inner rage on the intramural soccer field and now all your friends are scared of you sure its just an intramural game a recreational league intramural game at that but it matters to you why cant your friends understand that and stop playing like they were losers who took band in high school jennifer missed the pass again! jesus christ this is embarrassing youre really going to lose this game to a paired up mens org and womens org that are more interested in flirting than playing for the love of the game oh crap jennifer saw your stony expression and is now shrinking away from you like you kicked her puppy you force out through clenched teeth that shes doing great but you know she doesnt believe you alright maybe its time for a strategic timeout do those exist in intramural sports you can gather everyone around you make a heroic speech and finally they will all get their shit together and start making pla- fuck! what was that call are the refs blind that was not offside you know you should really give the refs a piece of your mind why is john holding you back youre not gonna punch a ref right because that would be a complete overreaction and you are totally still in control of your seething anger wait why are your friends still laughing and joking around dont they know that yall are losing how in the hell are they smiling intramural sports are not meant to be fun they should know this by now and dont let them tell you that youre too competitive –– its not your fault your dad never let you win a single game of tetherball when you were a kid heldenfalls
last tuesday freshman entomology major oliver maurer was booked by intramural police for possession of pockets following a tip-off prior to his intramural flag football game as pockets are strictly prohibited on the flag football field this costly arrest left maurers team without their starting quarterback the incident which took place at penberthy field at the intersection of fields 11b and 12a occurred when maurer was searched prior to his intramural flag football game according to witnesses the pockets were undetectable to the human eye and stitched up to avoid suspicion however the intramural k-9 unit was able to find the pockets which had once held a food substance before they were closed maurer posted a $10 000 bail and surrendered his passport wednesday morning although he is reportedly discussing options with his attorney he will likely be facing a minimum sentence of two years with a low sportsmanship rating msc alittle
each year more than 13 000 texas a&m university students face the wrath of high school c-team athletes trying to relive their subpar glory days in the recreational division of intramural leagues regular run-of-the-mill students not blessed with the athleticism and vigor of these hallowed teams lay vulnerable and exposed in the shadow of their opponents greatness i was always too shy to try any new sports in high school so intramurals seemed like a great chance to step outside of my comfort zone but i let the frisbee slip through my fingers in my teams second game and then i got kicked from the group said peggy peters a once-optimistic freshman who now cries herself to sleep every night with the excuse that some sports naturally breed a more competitive environment than others thousands of students are now being bullied in the name of friendly competition the texas a&m approach to teaching emphasizes real-world applications of coursework to achieve academic excellence and success in future careers with these core values of education in mind intramural sports simulate a work environment filled with discrimination and prejudice in every game played no company wants to hire a conceited undergraduate student still under the assumption that their degree alone will prepare them for adult working life the public humiliation students endure in intramural sports molds them from worthless human beings into star aggie alumni and working class humans bims and snap
in a heroic attempt to carry his intramural team to a league victory sophomore lorne vaidya showed up to his 10:45 pm recreational league ultimate frisbee game on tuesday wearing cleats according to the mvp designation assigned to vaidya after the game this unprecedented move was universally revered by his teammates i couldnt believe it when i heard lornes cleats click-clacking up to penberthy said lauryn volkerson vaidyas teammate and fellow slip member i dont think ive ever seen a human being run that fast or jump that high the other members of vaidyas team disc in a box echoed volkersons sentiment vaidya was not immune to the outpouring of praise from his teammates i mean these cleats did get me and the rest of the guys on the jv football team to district playoffs during my senior year vaidya said the cleats in question a neon yellow pair of nike vapor edge football cleats have seen approximately 13 total minutes of play throughout vaidyas five-year career as a jv football benchwarmer and ultimate frisbee aficionado according to a report from imleagues disc in a box was still absolutely demolished by their opponents risk it for the discuit despite the presence of vaidyas cleats at press time vaidya was overheard telling his teammates that they should all consider investing in cleats instead of wearing worn-down running shoes if they really wanted to get an intramural champion shirt this season flash it back ags
an enigmatic marching band performed a crowd-stunning routine monday night during an intramural flag football game following a riveting first half a mist settled over the field forming at the north end of penberthy rec sports complex the as-yet-unknown fun times always (fta) band made its public debut the atmosphere was electric said jackson harvy a firsthand witness to the showcase at first i felt something familiar about this mysterious 350 member ensemble but as the first notes of katy perrys ‘roar pierced the air i felt a sense of community i had never experienced before and might never again i felt appreciated not for being an aggie or an american but for being human moments after the woodstockian performance began the crowd erupted with newfound excitement to support both teams equally in the second half following a finale mashing up john lennons imagine with the entire post-country works of taylor swift the band members locked arms and slowly walked towards their fleet of volkswagen buses painted with images of each countrys national flower as one band member was loading his coexist flag which he had waved in harmony with 11 other unique individuals mugdown reporters stopped him for questions i guess im here in opposition to the repressive body that stifles my ability to express myself in my daily life said the flag bearer when asked of his motivation for joining this collective of freethinkers he didnt provide his name but left with a mischievous wink the intramural sports staff was so moved by the utter triumph of human spirit that they refused to declare a victor unsure on how to proceed top intramural officials consulted their policy and determined that each team would be heavily fined and banned from intramurals for life as punishment for being present at a rec sports event where something even a little unusual occurred msc alittle & walton texas ranger
for many students the crowning achievement of their time in aggieland is the sacred aggie ring an external sign to the heavens of ones time and progress at texas a&m university in some social circles however there is one other accessory that many seek but few obtain: an intramural champion shirt obtainable only through winning a competitive division intramural championship an intramural champion shirt is a trophy reserved for only the finest of high school has-beens and those who can find a workaround graduate student garrett barnett has been around the intramural block quite a few times participating in many intramural offerings within rec sports lacking the athletic ability to win at the competitive level in any of the traditional sports barnett did not see a path to an intramural champion shirt unless he changed his strategy i had tried for years to win in football soccer and basketball but kept running into superteams in the playoffs that were full of players who couldve been college athletes barnett said so i started looking into lesser-known sports that didnt attract as many of the big name intramural athletes in addition to traditional sports rec sports prides themselves on offering second-rate sports and activities like disc golf battleship and actionball these sports still have competitive divisions that qualify for an intramural champion shirt but attract far less talent due to their lack of notoriety i started recruiting across campus to assemble what would easily be the most overpowered team in the division barnett said these are world class athletes that im adding to my team and all they have to do is win a few games of actionball after adopting this strategy barnett has been able to win multiple champion shirts in back-to-back semesters and looks forward to defending his battleship championship this fall mugdown staff
earlier this week physics sophomore rebecca stevenson was seen by witnesses hyperventilating in the msc flag room after failing the imleagues softball quiz for the third time in a row i dont know what im getting wrong! i studied the rules and regulations handbook for an hour last night i even made a quizlet stevenson said through wheezing sobs im the social chair for my slo and if im not on the softball team it would be humiliating! rebecca has previously boasted on twitter about her deans list award and has been described by classmates as the girl in class who nods her head aggressively to make it clear that shes paying more attention than anyone else in order to achieve a passing grade on any intramural quiz one needs to get every question right unlike most quizzes where a passing grade is equivalent to a specific percentage some questions are simple such as asking if one agrees to a certain set of rules set by imleagues however some go into the specifics regarding the sport and game itself such as how many innings are in a game or the proper equipment needed in order to play while students with common sense will cheat the try-hards who sit in the front row and insist on getting the right answers through hard work and dedication will never be able to participate in intramural sports sharts and rec
after hours of deliberation rec sports experts from the intramural playoff selection committee officially released the fall 2021 basketball playoff bracket excitement for the tournament has largely been overshadowed by the disappointment and outrage felt by many rec sports fans over the exclusion of undefeated underdog team biochem baller bros i just dont know what more we could have done said jaylen stuller biochem baller bros team captain i knew that we werent predicted to be a top team going into the season but after wins over the delta alpha dunkers and the construction science kobes i think we proved that we can compete with anyone on the court the team although only receiving support from a few pre-med groups during the season has been the subject of hundreds of social media posts accusing rec sports of bias in its playoff selection process one twitter user identified as sophomore english major albert xu called for systemic change in the construction of playoffs its obvious that before the season starts rec sports knows that their championship tournament is going to be made up of power five teams xus tweet read the championship tournament only invites teams involved in greek life mens orgs finance construction science and industrial distribution rec sports is sending a message that the season is rigged and unfair pundits covering competitive intramural basketball have defended the leagues decision citing many teams underperformance for the remainder of the season decreasing the importance of the wins against them by the bros msc alittle
last week it was discovered that the biggest douchebag from your high school is alive and playing in the intramural recreational soccer league at texas a&m university said douchebag previously thought to be dead from the effects of time and maturity has resurfaced and is now a menace to sporting events in leagues everywhere opposing teams reported his presence after facing intense bullying during a friendly recreational soccer game the douchebag reportedly yelled at teammates trash-talked the opposing teams worst players and additionally used unnecessary roughness during an altercation with the goalie while your high school douchebag could have chosen to utilize their impressive sporting skills in a competitive league they have decided instead to dominate recreational leagues as team captain of a completely stacked team they will have no qualms about absolutely demolishing your group of friends during the next match when asked to comment by the mugdown on why they decided to resurface in the recreational league your high schools biggest douchebag explained hey i played high school baseball okay its not my fault you guys decided to put together a ragtag team of misfits and completely suck maybe you should stick to studying nerds milidairy walk
executive summary we at the mugdown wear several different hats: writers creators supermodels altruists following the release of the controversial report by mgt consulting and martin+crumpton group (m+cg) we decided to add one more hat to our repertoire: consultants when the report was released on october 19 2021 a few writers at the mugdown came together to start-up our own consulting firm md consulting (mdc) mdc has temporarily reallocated our bandwidth from covering news at texas a&m university to developing in-depth recommendations through meta-analysis of the initial consultant report thereby allowing us to help optimize the universitys policies and bodies toward synchronized and balanced functionality all of this has been done pro-bono with the ultimate goal of elevating texas a&m from the middle-tier of american public universities to the upper-middle-tier background mgt consulting and martin+crumpton group (m+cg) were hired by the texas a&m university system in june 2021 to conduct a high-level comprehensive review of major functional areas at texas a&m following the release of the report in october 2021 the mugdown hired themselves under the name md consulting (mdc) to audit the recommendations proposed in the original report and refine them further based on the original findings over the course of three weeks mdc conducted 0 in-depth interviews with individuals affiliated with the university the recommendations for change and improvement in this report are based entirely on analyses of the original report consideration of the human experience and knowledge of the impact of previous decisions at texas a&m university findings and recommendation inconsistent transparency and a lack of strong operational analytics and performance metrics across units colleges and campuses creates operational inefficiencies as well as unclear responsibility and accountability necessary for operational success the lack of existing operational data and analytics is a factor preventing the improvement of current processes procedures and resources use below are the high-level findings: texas a&m university does not truly understand the needs of the student body former students completely understand the experience of current students student services as they exist are currently too efficient separation of the academic colleges is bringing too much diversity of thought to campus engineering good conclusion the recommendations in this report provide a specific attainable and direct pathway to achieve texas a&ms goal of putting forth a facade of change while remaining functionally and idealistically the same keys to achieving that goal include ignoring input from students catering to the needs of texas a&m alumni building statues to excuse cover-ups of historical inaccuracies and pumping copious amounts of donor money into the college of engineering while largely inconveniencing the other academic colleges through needless restructuring the recommendations throughout this report are designed to benefit university administration donors and former students while completely disregarding the needs of the student body and faculty furthering texas a&ms commitment to mediocrity university-wide recommendations finding #1 texas a&m university currently contains 17 academic colleges and schools this is an example of the decentralized and ineffective university structure currently in place recommendation #1: to eliminate redundancy and increase efficiency a long-term plan of the university should be to consolidate all majors into one interdisciplinary college called mega college of school rationale #1 consolidation of all majors and academic colleges into mega college of school will eliminate redundant staff like deans and allow for separate advising departments to be merged into one this recommendation should increase profit and improve the student experience by making department transfers and major changes more accessible the graphic included below demonstrates the proposed consolidation: finding #2 as found in the initial consultant report the pool of applicants for undergraduate students is currently not representative of [texass] diverse demographics…texas is 129% black or african american but tamus black or african american student population is only 37% likewise 397% of texans are hispanic or latino but only 249% of tamu students are hispanic or latino recommendation #2: texas a&m university should provide significant financial rewards to underrepresented students who successfully recruit incoming freshmen of the same race rationale #2 adding a financial incentive to targeted recruiting would allow texas a&m university to better recruit and retain underrepresented students into undergraduate programs from the inside using the expertise of current students who really get their communities according to many former students of the university it is impossible for all people of different races to relate to one another perfectly; targeted recruiting of underrepresented students by underrepresented current students streamlines and decentralizes recruitment efforts in alignment with other recommendations made in this report finding #3 brutalist architecture is really cool and everyone thinks so recommendation #3: more buildings should be gray squares rationale #3 brutalism was really cool in the 1970s when texas a&m university erected notable buildings like heldenfels hall harrington tower and the langford architecture a building students at texas a&m university seldom if ever remark on the uniformity of buildings on campus and both students and faculty find great comfort and enjoyment in the gray-brown color palette of campus unlike the innovative learning classroom building and the zachry engineering education complex which feature unique facades natural light and student-oriented spaces new construction at texas a&m university should focus on poured concrete and uniform rectangular facades in addition to decreasing costs of construction this will deter prospective students who are interested in choosing a university based solely on looks allowing for targeted recruitment as recommended above to remain effective finding #4 the official university visual brand style is ineffective at marketing texas a&m as a top-tier university recommendation #4: texas a&m university should add more brand-supported colors and fonts rationale #4 aggie maroon has become cliche with schools like mississippi state adopting a similar color scheme open sans fonts have become synonymous with parking tickets and business cards the following graphic details the proposed brand expansion student affairs and campus operations recommendations finding #1 by interviewing self-proclaimed real aggies performing data-mining on forum site texags and conducting random surveys at corps of cadets alumni tailgates we have objectively determined that current texas a&m students straight up have no clue about what it means to be an aggie furthermore our analysis suggests that the spirit can neer be told will be dead by may 2023 if bad bull practices are not extinguished by the end of this fiscal year and students are not taught to pick themselves up by their bootstraps recommendation #1: texas a&m university officials should change all student organizations to former student student organizations rationale #1 a primary concern of alumni is that these lazy brats will have no chance of making it in the real world if they keep expecting handouts student organizations within the division of student affairs have traditionally been where texas a&m students learn lifelong skills that have led countless alumni to become executives morally corrupt lawyers and debt sharks however stakeholders have identified current practices of this division as detrimental to the development of aggies sheltered texas a&m students have no idea what it takes to make it in business or politics many have focused on low-impact practices such as being less racist which has been shown to have no effect on ones professional career by transitioning the leadership of each student organization to former texas a&m students residing within southeast texas the division of student affairs can ensure that students are career-ready so long as they never encounter someone with a different viewpoint in their career these mentors can provide insightful guidance on acceptable business attire acceptable hair length and acceptable ways to attend yell practice that will help aggies remain in high demand among the worlds top polluters from ensuring that organization events only relate to aggie values to making it known who is welcome within different organizations this recommendation will allow texas a&m to return to a time when everyone knew exactly what an aggie looked like finding #2 the corps of cadets has continued to become softer each year recommendation #2: corps of cadets leadership should be replaced with boy scouts from bryan-college station rationale #2 the corps of cadets has gotten softer and softer each year reaching a peak several years ago when old army was officially pronounced dead to better fit the corps mission of making everyone feel comfortable and loved all corps leadership commandants staff and cadets should be replaced with members of a bryan-college station boy scout troop this recommendation will save the university considerable funds on salaries and better align with the vision that general ramirez has for the corps finding #3 students at texas a&m university are in need of more mental health resources recommendation #3: put the quack back in quack shack rationale #3 the original mgt report recommended that student health services (shs) and counseling and psychological services (caps) should become the domain of the texas a&m health science center this recommendation supports a rich university history of ignoring student faculty and staff health issues the best solution is to make shs and caps the responsibility of texas a&m health which is still yet to be fully integrated within the university infrastructure despite being founded in 1999 additionally the lack of an existing training program for mental health professionals at texas a&m health will not exacerbate the disturbing scarcity of mental health care professionals currently available to students this recommendation will also benefit college of nursing and college of medicine students who are excited to be unpaid unskilled labor and to help put the quack back in quack shack finding #4 texas a&m successfully outsourced dining services to a top-tier company chartwells recommendation #4: all university services should be outsourced to chartwells rationale #4 chartwells dining services has displayed great ability to provide michelin-star cuisine for three meals a day while simultaneously prioritizing customer service organic and ethical ingredient sourcing and nutritional balance using their already-refined skills chartwells can expand their reach and expertise to cover maintenance and custodial services currently provided by ssc by assigning the already overworked chartwells staff additional tasks like residence hall bathroom sanitation replanting the howdy flower bed with the other teams colors every week during football season removing the asbestos from rudder tower and haphazardly driving john deere gators the university can cut down on costs by only contracting one external service academic recommendations finding #1 biomedical sciences is distracting the college of veterinary medicine from providing top-tier graduate and professional programming recommendation #1: the college of veterinary medicine and biomedical sciences should completely eliminate the biomedical sciences program rationale #1 instead of moving the biomedical science program to the college of sciences as recommended by the mgt report the biomedical science program should be eliminated entirely removing the biomedical science program from the college of veterinary medicine would strip the program of its one redeeming quality: being able to brag about kind of being in vet school the morale of biomedical science students would crumble without any tiny justification for their elitism so it is better to do away with the program entirely furthermore elimination of the biomedical science program would definitively end the bims-to-psychology-major pipeline saving academic advisors at least 1 000 hours of lost productivity spent processing change major requests annually finding #2 a recent demographic report shows the majority of the texas a&m student body from the 1800s to the present day to be more conservative-leaning this comes from the amount of times old ags comment their frustration with communist agendas being pushed within classes- more specifically liberal arts classes recommendation #2: the college of liberal arts should be renamed to the college of liberal and conservative arts rationale #2 the call for inclusion of conserative nomenclature in the college of liberal arts stems from former student frustration with communist agendas being pushed in liberal arts classes the name change will first and foremost allow boomers to feel included this will then allow for more capitalist influence and provide an opportunity for organizations such as texas a&m college republicans and pro-life aggies to feel like they finally belong at their predominantly white christian public university finding #3 texags is known as one of the most right-winged male-dominated aggie sports news sources and forums it is extremely popular with former students and arguably more popular than the battalion or kamu recommendation #3: the new department of journalism should be run by texags rationale #3 the dismal numbers of journalism degrees produced by the department of communication 14 during the 2019-2020 school year and nine during the 2020-2021 school year can be attributed to on-campus support from sub-par organizations like the battalion and kamu texags the largest online aggie community and number one news source for aggie athletics recruiting analysis and unsolicited political commentary should be asked to work with journalism students to increase the programs popularity and opportunities diversity in the staff will likely be kept at a [stiff] arms length away but this initiative will raise the next generation of right-winged media bias in the new department of journalism finding #4 reports show the college of engineering to be a shining beam of light at what can otherwise be considered a dumpster fire of a university students in engineering programs show above average intelligence and provide a glimpse into the future of human evolution these super-humans must be protected from outside forces recommendation #4: engineering students should be sequestered in a engineering-only campus providing on-site facilities for housing dining and recreation rationale #4 the only thing stopping world and industry domination by texas a&ms engineering students is the diversion of their attention from their studies issues of football games non-professional student organizations and social events should not burden such noble minds by providing food housing and bathing facilities on the engineering campus future engineers will have the finest education drilled into them without distraction the implementation comes in two phases the first being construction of state of the art living facilities centralized around zachry engineering complex and the second being isolation and protection of this new engineering campus the first phase requires building the infrastructure dining hall housing modest exercise center for the new engineering colony the second phase involves implementing security measures like surveillance cameras time-sensitive locking mechanism and barbed wire fences to ensure the most productive learning environment for inspiration texas a&m administration should look to soviet-era nuclear power stations after phase two is complete only high clearance individuals will be allowed to enter or exit this self-sustaining ecosystem finding #5 everyone affiliated with the college of engineering is perfect and incapable of messing up yet it is not acclaimed enough for all the good that they do by simply existing recommendation #5: every member of the student and faculty population at texas a&m university should compliment the college of engineering at least once a day rationale #5 the college of engineering at texas a&m is very esteemed so it is super important to make sure that all the individuals within it feel that way to make sure this deserved respect is established all university employees and students will be required to say a minimum of one nice thing about the college of engineering every day this will make sure the superiority complex of engineering students can be well-established no matter what choices these individuals may make they will always be the right decision and should be rewarded with a compliment because they can do no wrong finding #6 texas a&m is one of the few universities in texas to locate their computer science major within the college of engineering the university of texas at austin places their computer science majors within the college of natural sciences a study of students across the college of engineering found that housing computer science within the college led to low self esteem in the computer science students and frustration in the other engineering students working with them recommendation #6: the computer science program should be moved from the college of engineering into the newly-made college of liberal arts rationale #6 computer science is not an engineering discipline but an art where students play computer games and learn linear algebra for research unlike students of other engineering disciplines who are required to take serious hard science subjects such as thermodynamics and computational fluid analysis computer science majors are known to have the easiest degree plan within the college of engineering after the major is relocated to the college of liberal arts computer science majors are expected to thrive since they will now have bragging rights to the hardest workload in the college our study found that engineering students will be able to focus less on responding to the negative and irritating presence of computer science students and more on crying and finishing their own coursework finding #7 art exists now recommendation #7: texas a&m should create an college of art and other dumb right brain stuff rationale #7 some people dont want to do math or science or agriculture and would rather be creative and expressive like a bunch of quitters who have never known a hard days work in their life texas a&m university should create a college to house all the dumb stuff that relies on the right brain this will allow all of the hippies liberals free-thinkers and other rabble-rousers to congregate together and keep their ideals to themselves finding #8 if texas a&m university refuses to acknowledge the college of agriculture and life sciences funding will not be reallocated and texas a&m administration can keep relying on the texas a&m agrilife extension to bring in research and grant money recommendation #8: put a big sheet over all of west campus so that the original consultants do not realize that the college of agriculture and life sciences exists rationale #8 if mgt consulting and martin+crumpton group realize that the college of agriculture and life sciences which currently offers more than 30 undergraduate majors and is partnered with both the norman bourlag institute and the texas a&m agrilife extension exists they will reallocate funding this will then cause the college of agriculture and life sciences to come begging to the administration for research and grant money which would not be fun or cool by investing in a large sheet texas a&m can hide the the kleberg center the heep center the biobio building the plant pathology building rosenthal meat science and technology center the horticulture building and the agriculture and life sciences building to make sure that the consultants do not discover the universitys cash cow the sheet will need to be custom cut to allow full view of the mays business school finding #9 the environment in which graduate programs are conducted is not conducive to student thriving recommendation #9: toxic work culture in graduate departments can be resolved by eliminating work rationale #9 graduate students have already proven that they are capable of completing a college degree and should be left alone from this point forward if these current graduate students had left academia to contribute something meaningful to society they would be expected to produce the same professional-quality projects every few weeks in a workplace but they chose to go into debt to avoid any major lifestyle changes and that should be respected across campus graduate departments should lower their standards and let everyone just take a nap every once in a while honestly they could all just go home at 2:00 pm every day and no one would notice outside of their own academic circles unlike many useful members of society graduate students frequently find that their stress is self-imposed and their work means little outside of the classroom our recommendation is for everyone to just chill out and take it easy because were all going to die one day and some people decided to waste several years of their lives on a masters degree finding #10 texas a&m needs to live out their mission to improve health through research by utilizing their strengths recommendation #10: texas a&m university should use freshmen as human subjects for experimental treatments rationale #10 one of the top metrics texas a&m touts is their status as the largest university in the nation in terms of enrollment over the past few years we have seen an increase in the size of the freshman class to fully utilize the large student population texas a&m health should begin using freshmen for clinical research trials this will allow a more holistic view on the effect of proposed drugs therapies or other advancements in medical technologies on the human body this recommendation should decrease the cost of research expenditures as the proposed experimental subjects are already paying tuition to the university and will allow texas a&m health to more clearly understand the effect of their research on the populations they wish to serve participation in research could also be offered as a 3-hour credit course to cover liability that might arise from poorly developed experimental treatments
a recent poll conducted by the mugdown found that over 70% of texas a&m university football fans believe the program is cursed with bad luck and is among one of the most unlucky teams in the sport when asked for words or terms they associated with the program the most common responses were disappointment emotional rollercoaster collapse and cursed ive been following this team my whole life and it seems like year after year they let me down said jake henson a junior education major and third-generation aggie i relate heavily to fans of schools like kansas and vanderbilt were like the chicago cubs of college football according to mugdown sports statisticians comparing the aggies to the chicago cubs would actually be unfair to chicago the cubs have the third most wins and sixth-best win percentage in major league history while the aggies have only the sixteenth most wins and twenty-fifth-best win percentage in college football history both fan bases only have three championships apiece to hold on to leading to the logical assumption that both would feel equally cursed in the poll many respondents indicated that they suffered from self-diagnosed battered-aggie syndrome (known more commonly as bas) a ptsd-like condition where fans of texas a&m football are now afraid of success after having been let down so many times when asked what it would take for the team to overcome this reputation henson said just a little more consistency would be great a few sec titles a championship or two thats really all were asking for kushing library
wednesday morning senior management major andrew gomes attended his 8:00 am mgmt 424 lecture still slightly intoxicated after a night out sources close to gomes report he intended to only have one or two margaritas at los cucos on tuesday night but was later seen leaving the northgate dominos around 2:30 am gomes used his roommates bike to get to class as his roommate had not gone to northgate but was skipping class to sleep anyway i had the spins and i kept falling asleep in between the professor calling on me gomes said but i think i played it cool enough that no one noticed too much (editors note: the professor of the class had noticed both the smell of alcohol and gomess delayed speech almost immediately) per the syllabus gomess mgmt 424 course allows three unexcused absences per semester and he would have skipped the class to nurse his wednesday scaries had he not used the last absence the monday after the alabama game he tried to laugh it off afterward said classmate charlie jennings he said ‘you know what they say: you cant be hungover if youre still drunk and then he threw up aggie faceplant
in a press conference on monday texas a&m university officials announced that the barnes & noble starbucks café in the memorial student center will be redesignated as all faiths chapel beginning next month the move follows the announcement that the current all faiths chapel location will be bulldozed to expand parking for the ap beutel health center this is the end of days! said john ellison a local preacher who has been campaigning to save all faiths chapel for years john ellison more commonly known as brother john has become a campus fixture known for his characteristic clothing and his signature booming voice he can be spotted in rudder plaza decrying the long rumored closure of all faiths chapel as symbolic of the universitys descent into godless wickedness university officials stated that the move to the msc starbucks made sense considering the large number of bible studies intentional conversations and proselytizing that occur daily in the café oh yeah i never study there because someone always asks if they can pray over me said robert salacio a junior biology major i guess its nice that theyre making it official the response of the student body to the change has been largely positive i think its great! said economics sophomore and breakaway volunteer maggie graten but whats all faiths chapel ive never heard of it heldenfalls
this weekend saw a sharp increase in the number of cases of a mystery respiratory illness known as frat flu the majority of these cases can be traced to a single fraternity party where attendees were encouraged to share shot glasses in an attempt to cut down on party-related expenses although more than one fraternity brother was exhibiting cold-like symptoms members of the fraternity attributed their wet hacking coughs to vapers lung the party went on as planned with some claiming the ethanol in the shots would sanitize the glasses between rounds partygoer anna dalton began experiencing a sore throat and severe congestion in the week following this party where she reportedly engaged in several drinking games after seeking medical care due to her worsening infection dalton was diagnosed with the frat flu and prescribed both antibiotics and steroids at first taking an 875 mg tablet of amoxicillin twice a day for ten days seemed like overkill dalton said then my doctor gave me a pamphlet on the unsanitary conditions of frat houses and i realized that i was lucky to escape with my life dalton was just one of several students infected with frat flu leaving many wondering if the money saved by sharing shot glasses would have been better spent on disinfectant wipes soiled science
in a message sent to the breakaway street team groupme local protestant and texas a&m university junior carsyn whitfield reported that she was having the worst gosh-darn day and couldnt believe how freaking stressed she was other members of the street team cited similar feelings with the majority sentiment being that this is just such a shoot time of year and its okay to frick up every once in a while members of the christian community on campus are often heard replacing common curse words with other less harsh words while this allows for the words of their mouths to be more holy and pleasing to god the meditations of their hearts and the sentiments behind their words are unchanged i mean i definitely know exactly what carsyn meant when she said that she was having the worst me-damned day god said dont get me wrong i love the effort but its almost like they forget that i am omnipotent and know literally every single thought they have despite having a week full of bullshirt whitfield was able to put her earthly cares aside and hold the forking breakaway banner on tuesday at press time she could be heard telling her friends that she could not freaking believe how many people were so liberal with their use of curse words flash it back ags
this past tuesday political science professor gerald wasiewicz provided a platform for a student that has never contributed anything to class besides making everyone extremely uncomfortable according to students enrolled in the course this finally proves that professor wasiewicz has learned nothing from the cacophony of collective groans laptops slamming shut and students slouching down that happen every time he provides that student a chance to speak the incident which occurred five minutes into a lecture on immigration policy was completely unprompted as dr wasiewicz was not openly soliciting questions nonetheless the student was called on when he raised his hand allowing him to enlighten the class on how their tax money was being spent on people who arent even americans and who shouldve come here the right way it is unclear if the student was aware that this take was at odds with one he gave the previous week where he stated his support for giving as much money as it takes for israel to establish new palestine-facing defense systems when reached for comment dr wasiewicz who is known for saying interesting point i hadnt thought of that before no matter how insensitive the viewpoint being expressed is defended his dedication to sharing all opinions at the expense of being a good instructor yes i know this student completely stalls the learning of everyone in the section however i just want to be as supportive of free speech as possible and make sure this student is prepared for a career sharing his thoughts and degrading others msc alittle
aimee baxter a wealthy member of local sorority kappa theta phi recently announced her new charity dedicated to helping girls who cannot afford high-end fashion the new charity aimees closet allows aimee to lend clothes from her closet to her middle-class friends for use at date parties rush events and other formal occasions baxter spoke to reporters about her charitable donations saying hey i just like to shop okay my mom buys me all this lulu ov and free people and i just dont have enough days to wear it all plus even though some of my friends in my sorority are dirt-poor that doesnt mean they shouldnt have a chance to feel like cinderella once in a while hannah rutson a donation receiver and friend of baxters agreed normally theres no way i could afford the clothes that aimee lends me rutson said yeah my dads a lawyer and my mom works in accounting but i still cant afford to keep up with every date party crush social and cute brunch our sorority has aimee is really looking out for the poor girls in kappa theta phi phoebe wester another member said i really do appreciate aimee lending me her clothes in such a charitable way i mean is it a little demeaning to constantly ask for clothes because my parents are middle-class sure but at the end of the day aimees parents are loaded so im not going to complain about getting to wear a $200 dress to my semi-formal so far the charitable donations have been a hit with many girls in kappa theta phi utilizing the service its not donating to animal shelters or food banks that sets my soul on fire baxter said its helping out friends in need while also reminding them that they are less wealthy than i am milidairy walk
this fall texas a&m university officials opened enrollment for the new stardew valley major in the college of agriculture and life sciences this change expands the colleges offerings to 35 degree programs and is intended as an option for fans of the popular stardew valley video game who want to take part in the agrilife experience without any of the manual labor the new major offers students an interdisciplinary survey of the basic concepts of agricultural science with a virtual twist to keep students engaged the major boasts a thorough approach to topics such as foraging mining seashell collection and courtship and marriage it also includes courses such as posc 201 and slime 305 most classes in the major are graded based on four tests which evaluate the efficiency of each students farm in the winter spring summer and fall along with the class hour requirement for the major there is an in-game requirement of 500 hours in order to graduate earlier today mugdown correspondents met with freshman harlee kirkland to discuss her experience in the new major and her future in the college of agriculture and life sciences according to kirkland the program is just like stardew valley but in real life theres this guy in my agls 101 class who ive been talking to nonstop kirkland said i started giving him a stick of butter every tuesday and thursday so i think hell be ready for me to pop the question within about 14 months the stardew valley major is reported to be a challenging degree plan but gpa is not among kirklands concerns kirklands grandfather reportedly owns a large property upstate which she plans to inherit so she claims to be unconcerned about future career plans after each semester kirkland will learn a specialized skill eventually graduating with a fully leveled-up transcript in the future the college of agriculture and life sciences also plans to eventually open graduate-level courses for students looking to maximize their perfection score plaid libs & squat pilgrim
with the ncaa name image and likeness rules now allowing student athletes to profit off of themselves many have turned to local brands looking to make money from endorsement deals for some this has meant taking an official stance on the laynes vs canes debate the mugdown spoke to one football player who entered a contract with laynes to promote what he believed was the superior product as a college station native i understand the value of supporting local businesses said junior anthony jost by endorsing laynes as the better drive-through chicken restaurant i can work with a company i really believe in while jost is most certainly being paid for his opinion he insisted that laynes soon to be famous chicken is the correct side of the debate athletes outside of the football program have also embraced their ability to make money from brand deals with the new name imagine and likeness rules i can finally benefit from endorsing what i know is the best place for fried chicken in college station said sprinter erin saven ive always loved raising canes but now i can make money by telling the world that as more athletes turn to brand deals to financially benefit from their name image and likeness competition for fried chicken endorsements may build hannibal lechner
as all hallows eve falls over texas a&m university once again the eerie silence of the night is broken only by the slow deliberate scratching of a paw beneath dirt and the sound of a discordant slightly off-key reveille bugle call eight bony wagging tails emerge from texas a&ms beloved mascot cemetery from each grave surfaces a disjointed set of bones and viscera identifiable only by chunks of fuzzy red fur and menacing canines a howl from one signals the beginning of their annual night of terror all hungering for the flesh of unsuspecting students among the darkened windows in the texas a&m hotel & conference center only one remains lit: the room of dead zip and former handler leon crawford inside old newspaper clippings of cold case murders photographs of rev from various angles and his own frantic scribbles line all four walls on the floor are scattered piles of unmarked manila folders and stacks of witness reports crawford sits among them and sharpens his silver saber a once happy reminder of his days in the corps he examines it coldly and as his gaze moves to the window he spots the pack of bloodthirsty creatures stalking away from their crypts right on time he grumbles before rising from his seat at the window and exiting the centrally located yet reasonably priced room the revs are tearing chunks of flesh from their first victims when the sound of weathered senior boots hitting the pavement alerts the pack to the determined and grizzled old man quickly their killer instincts take over they launch themselves at him biting furiously their teeth rend his flesh and leave bloody wounds that put them into a frenzy as he frantically waves them off with his silver saber none of them are her he thinks i have to stay alive long enough to find her backed into a corner crawford reaches into his pocket fetch! he shouts tossing a handful of cheese cubes in the opposite direction immediately the rotting revs chase the cheese what little eyes they have left filled with puppy-like glee now freed from the threat of being torn to shreds crawford continues into the night to find the reveille he was handler to many years ago reveille v a lone freshman exits the msc after a post-exam panda express trip after gorging himself on a pile of fried rice and two entrees he happily heads back to his dorm his airpods are in and he doesnt have a single care in the world lost in his music and self-congratulatory thoughts he makes it halfway to dunn hall before he notices a faint steady clicking coming from directly behind him probably just another guy on a bike he thinks i wish they would just use the damn bike lane like a normal person he turns to shoot a dirty look over his shoulder but instead of finding a biker his eyes meet the haunting dead-eyed stare of reveille v woah he whispers shakily youre in bad shape queen feeling insulted and hungrier than ever she lunges at the puny kid with all the ferocity in her decomposing body crawford hears the high-pitched scream echoing from the south side of campus and starts to sprint in that direction praying the revs havent taken too many lives tonight following the acrid metallic scent of fresh blood he rounds the corner of dunn hall the ex-cadet stops in his tracks when he sees his rev chewing at her victims midsection gore and sticky remnants of orange chicken clinging to her teeth seeing crawfords shadow creep over her meal reveille v looks up from the now former student the decaying rev dripping with fresh blood locks eyes with her handler from long ago without hesitation she bolts toward him ready to kill once more as she approaches crawford instinctively falls into the daedo gyunjukse stance a sword technique he learned during his study abroad in korea the disfigured corpse moves deceptively fast and pounces as clumps of maggot-ridden fur fall off behind her reveille vs rotting canines lock around his blade as crawford falls and struggles to push back the reanimated body of his former friend at his throat he kicks her back with all the strength he has left stunning the corpse reveille regains her footing but wavers seeming disoriented and looking at crawford in confusion there might be a hint of her former self still in there but he isnt here to find out in that moment he makes a desperate thrust plunging the saber between her exposed ribs and finding purchase in the rotting flesh underneath as reveille hangs on the saber she slows her struggle letting out snarls that slowly weaken into whimpers her weight on the sword begins to sag and crawford slowly lowers the saber until reveilles spasming body meets the concrete feeling lightheaded from his own wounds crawford brings himself down sitting next to his old partner he rests his one good arm across her twitching body in a reassuring gesture the other hanging lifeless and limp they sit like that together the way they used to be until the first signs of light appear on the horizon it mightve taken his own life to do it but hed stopped his former canine companion from taking any more students souls its alright girl crawford says staring off in the distance as tears kiss his cheeks reveille vs glowing red eyes fade and her body ceases to move this time for good crawford lays his head back and finally rests for what feels like the first time in years he closes his eyes for the last time to the sound of the corps starting their morning drills in the distance later that morning a winded cadet out on his morning run checks behind him and ducks through a shortcut id be first in my outfit if it wasnt for those cig- he says under his breath before turning the corner to find the aftermath of last nights bloodshed bodies lay strewn at odd angles and blood stains the concrete beneath petrified he slowly takes in the horror of the scene before him until his eyes rest on the bloodied body of an elderly man wearing corps boots lying alone with a tired smile on his face plaid libs & squat pilgrim
last saturday night public health major natalie lindwell left hurricane harrys saddened after being unable to find a male partner that could dance to michael jacksons thriller maybe i did get caught up in my own fantasy of being wooed by the acrobatic toe-taps and smooth consecutive revolutions of a potential suitor lindwell said but someone shouldve been able to at least give me a half-hearted effort at the iconic hand motion lindwell went on to describe how her perfect night would follow the womans part in the thirteen-minute-long music video moment by moment including the scene where she is cornered in a house by zombies sources familiar with the country dance halls scene over the holiday weekend reported that the music choices reflected the spookiness of the halloween season and that no one began to mimic the king of pop until after lindwell had left the establishment minutes after her exit one man dressed wearing an orange jumpsuit performed the routine for a girl dressed as a sexy nurse bystanders claimed the man had previously told lindwell whose witch costume included a floor-length black dress that he was not even aware the song had a dance as of sunday lindwell was still recovering from her recent rejection however she remains optimistic that come december she will be able to find a dance partner for linus and lucy from a charlie brown christmas msc alittle
with registration approaching the howdy portal degree planner has been updated to include a new feature allowing students to outline when to use their four university-permitted q-drops although little q-drop data has been gathered this fall the decision was based on administrations prediction that the 145-year trend of texas a&m university students not having their shit together will continue on forever when asked to comment interim provost tim scott voiced his support for the new feature we know our students use q-drops for many reasons that are unavoidable such as family tragedies scott said but if were being honest they really exist to ensure that students with terrible time management skills can retain their in-good-standing tuition-paying status and who knows they might actually be able to learn the material on their second or third time around this feature although available to all students was originally proposed by advising staff within the college of engineering according to the advisors this tool allows them to be more honest with students about their plan to graduate and enables them to paint a far more realistic picture of future semesters than students are currently submitting seriously you should see what these students are sending me said jeanie stephenson a materials science and engineering advisor you barely passed pols 207 during a semester where you could use chegg on every exam and now youre telling me that youll be fine in 18 hours with labs with this feature i can point to specific classes and say ‘yeah sure register for it but plan to be out of there by november msc alittle
marketing major weston bartlesby was relieved to discover that he could use his senior classification as a fresh and reliable excuse for his lack of motivation in his studies the class shift comes at a welcome time for bartlesby who has been struggling to replace his bad internet ruse since all classes returned to in-person attendance this fall no more learning from home no dead dog i had no ideas for what i could blame my disinterest on anymore bartlesby said now i can finally delete my ‘its been a tough semester email template that i send to my professors right before grades come out every cycle the widely-accepted phenomenon known as senioritis is still questioned by some in the marketing department but bartlesby claims that it is more real than all his feigned trips to beutel where he would acquire an excused absence for a class he had already slept through earlier that morning despite the four years of evidence from varied coursework it has not yet occurred to him that he just might not enjoy being a student bartlesby plans to attend graduate school next fall aggie faceplant
in an exit survey obtained from the texas a&m university visitor center a campus tour took an unexpected turn last friday when the tour group crossed paths with what appeared to be a pack of armed soldiers the soldiers were seen running down military walk before jumping into fish pond carrying their rifles overhead as if to simulate wading through the mekong river this activity was accompanied by loud siren-like screams i hadnt the faintest idea what was going on said samantha whitney mother of a high school senior who was on the tour and graduate of a non-senior military institute one minute our guide was telling us about different housing options and the next it looked like we were under attack andrew wallace a high school junior who was also on the tour had a similar sentiment i guess a&m has a pretty big rotc program i knew some guys like that in high school but it was like four or five not four or five thousand all participants agreed that they were not prepared for the encounter i had gone on the schools website and the student life section didnt say anything about an rotc program wallace said it almost felt like they were trying to hide it from prospective students after looking at the results of the survey the corps reportedly closed the feedback form citing years of tradition and tangible results as more important than the successful recruitment of prospective students kushing library
during an lgbtq+ literature lecture last week senior mark flint was dutifully taking notes when he looked up at the presentation flint was greeted by a female student seated in front of him boldly and unashamedly opening an explicit one direction slash fanfiction on wattpad a social media platform that allows its users to upload stories despite flint having 20/10 vision he was unable to make out the title of the story he was however able to see that the story included oversaturated photos of two of the band members poorly photoshopped into explicit poses every few paragraphs this is a common literary technique for stories uploaded to wattpad while the website has rebranded to promote original content and networking its origins lie in the publishing of trashy fan works when speaking with the mugdown about the incident flint admitted the fanfiction was very distracting after i saw the story with my excellent vision i just couldnt pay attention to the lecture anymore i apparently missed a lot of content thatll be on the exam flint said ultimately flint was most concerned with the ethical implication of reading the fanfiction sure im all for being creative and reading what you want but it seems a bit unfair to read that kind of stuff in class what if someone like me who has famously impeccable vision is sitting behind you and can read your screen at the very least she should have sat in the back row if she was planning on reading erotica flint said the girl who read the wattpad story in class was unavailable for comment at time of press radio reveille
following a months-long study of human behavior and rationalization the department of psychological and brain sciences at texas a&m university has discovered the true perfect excuse for the failure to contribute to communal house chores led by dr karina glastov and her team of graduate students the researchers found that the most convincing excuse for actively making your roommates life harder is i was busy this ground-breaking experiment heralded by the psychological community as vindication for being a freeloading piece of shit is expected to cause a major shift in roommate dynamics across america oftentimes individuals living in a cooperative group environment fail to consider the schedules of others when looking at the three-week-old container of ambiguous leftovers in the refrigerator said glastov one may think that everyones schedule deserves equal merit but that is simply not founded in any fact the effects of this discovery are already becoming evident within the bryan-college station community earlier this semester hunter jourdenton and tanner wilhelm juniors and third-year roommates in the historic district residence the hunk house were reportedly on the verge of a physical fight every day over wilhelms failure to ensure that his discarded food made it into the garbage disposal following the release of the study results jourdenton has realized how selfish it is of him to ask his roommate to do the bare minimum contribution to chores i should have realized just how stressful tanners 12-hour workload is said jourdenton sure it would be nice if he would recognize that im trying to balance school two jobs and a volunteer position but i get it i guess when im home for 30 minutes in between ecen 215 and the after-school program at kids klub i can try and get tanners laundry done so i can use the washer ill just have to be quiet so i dont wake him from his nap mugdown staff
this week an external audit by deloitte consulting revealed that 90% of the members of the mens organization ol decades club have no idea what philanthropy the money from their annual fundraising event supports the event known as cantaloupe smash is a day-long festival where patrons use large hammers to hit fruit in various activities marketing for their event has become more extreme in recent years with members now being forced to speed-eat cantaloupes in front of their lecture halls in a ploy to sell more tickets there has been a considerable decrease in ticket sales since the inception of this marketing strategy despite the members constantly posting on social media there still seems to be confusion surrounding the beneficiaries of the event when questioned about the research results president lane richie was shocked cantaloupe smash is the highlight of the year for the men of ol decades club and it means so much to everyone richie said im not sure i believe that our members dont know what it supports when asked if he could name the charity in question richie declined to comment this seems to be a trend among campus organizations and further research by deloitte has shown that four out of five organizations participating in songfest this year have no idea where the prize money would go if they win despite this fact five out of five still claim a deep dedication to their philanthropy quadbuck naked
this football season the fightin texas aggie football team stormed out to an early lead against the no1 ranked alabama crimson tide and managed to hang on long enough to kick a game-winning field goal as time expired in a raucous evening under the lights of kyle field the aggies momentum was held together by a perfectly timed playlist no thanks to the yell leaders inconsistent yell passbacks in light of this trend carrying over from the mississippi state game texas a&m athletics has announced that the yell leaders will be repositioned to sit in lawn chairs in the northeast corner of the field while the kyle field dj will be moved to the east side 50-yard line in light of the yell leaders decision to only pass back an endless cycle of three of our yells the athletic department has decided to move forward with other methods of maintaining momentum said athletic director ross bjork in a statement to the student body we are extremely pleased with the performance of our dj and are confident that he will not forget to send the war hymn passback before the fourth quarter after contending with the long tv timeouts of a cbs night game the aggie student body has welcomed the change of leadership i was in section 132 and the yell leaders didnt even attempt to cut off a chant from the alabama section next to us i figured this wouldve been the perfect opportunity to pass back the ‘btho bama yell that we had done five times in a row in previous games said senior ryland kipling these five guys are so privileged i think theyll enjoy their comfy lawn chairs and reduced pressure of leading the 12th man by all accounts the kyle field dj drew up a perfect game managing the crowds energy well the classic stadium hits outta your mind and power marked especially important moments during the alabama game and officials speculate that without the playlists impeccable timing the outcome of the game may have been different the student body rushing the field while sandstorm played in the background was an effective way to cap off the evening and the texas a&m university administration has high hopes for the next midnight yell hosted by the kyle field dj crygon
the department of student affairs is placing official sanctions on the texas a&m chapter of the chi omega sorority following allegations of financial hazing in the fall 2021 semester this decision comes after dozens of hazing reports from student groups competing in the sororitys fall philanthropic event songfest one such report claimed that official delegates pressured enforced and even bullied participants into buying official songfest t-shirts in order to win the competition songfest is an annual event put on by chi omega in which a fraternity or mens organization teams up with a sorority or womens organization to perform a complex dance number for two nights in rudder theatre with the groups competing for prize money for their respective philanthropies on top of the performance itself there are additional competitions including a t-shirt sale competition the ranking in this t-shirt competition determines the performance order with first place getting first choice of time slot in addition to a generous monetary prize the t-shirt sales competition is what put chi omega under heavy scrutiny this year as they had to dramatically increase revenue after last years songfest did not meet the projected revenue targets alena maric is a freshman in the alpha alpha alpha sorority which is paired with the club of aggie gentlemen in this years competition one night after practice we were led into a dark shed maric said our chi omega delegate along with our coaches barricaded the door until we had either bought or sold five shirts each some members didnt manage to reach that and had to stay for hours after practice rehearsing their kick ball changes following marics story the chi omega sorority put out the following statement via their instagram story wednesday morning stating we are so sorry you feel that youve been hurt by our actions everything we do is for the kids please dont report us to student activities weve learned and we will never do it again! to attempt to make amends for their mistakes and help repair relationships chi omega is granting alpha alpha alpha and the club of aggie gentlemen a philanthropic stipend of $5 000 to donate to their respective causes while they may no longer be competing the team will be using the stipend to supply champagne for their afterparty reminding us all what songfest is truly all about century swingers
last thursday francine miller went with her womens organization aggie quartz to the habitat for humanity pumpkin patch after posing for 20 minutes with a miniature pumpkin on her head miller contemplated adopting some of the pumpkins in need of a home to decorate her front porch supported by her sisterhood she made the decision to purchase two full-sized pumpkins a miniature white pumpkin and a gourd that she will let rot for eight weeks before going home for winter break after purchasing her new pumpkins miller finally felt like autumn had arrived despite the heat index of 88 degrees fahrenheit upon arrival at her home miller and three of her roommates carved the two large pumpkins the miniature pumpkin was painted with a cute smiley face and spooky pun before all three creations were proudly placed on the porch where they will remain rotting until mid-december meanwhile millers gourd was used with a garland of fall leaves to create an autumnal centerpiece for their bar counter though it took up all the usable eating space it was a small sacrifice for the seasonal atmosphere it created the gourd is projected to last for only four weeks until falling to the inevitable march of time and being thrown out with the rest of the moldy fruit the pumpkins on the front porch however will fare far too long according to millers friend who will raise concerns about the collapsed moldy winter squash next to her doorstep when visiting for friendsgiving miller will be confused as pumpkins last forever and we barely just got them the other day its probably just like some dirt when packing her buick encore for the three-hour drive back home at the end of the semester miller will not be able to help but notice the repugnant smell coming from the rotting carcasses of her once-beloved pumpkins eight weeks after purchase she will place them in the trash bin to return to the earth they came from all that will remain of the pumpkins are millers fond memories of adopting them and the permanent stain next to their door – radio reveille & century tree hugger
last tuesday business management junior marcos freid told mugdown reporters that this leadership thing is actually kinda hard freid who is president of aggie management leaders of mays has been reflecting on the unexpected burden of a leadership position he actively campaigned for making agendas solving conflicts and taking responsibility for mistakes is not what i signed up for when i agreed to be a leader freid said fluffing up my resume shouldnt take this much work surprisingly the outlined responsibilities on leadership applications are actually expected from the students selected for the positions freid is not alone in his disappointment countless other student leaders especially those leading social organizations have expressed frustration that their peers expect them to keep the organization running organize fun social events and even take time out of their schedules to listen to complaints and concerns i thought this was supposed to be fun! said aggie dames president maci huxton no one told me throwing parties would be such a hassle despite the challenges freid has faced he has found recent success by applying management techniques taught in mays business school courses im all for promoting discussion and hearing others views; its why i recently decided to delegate the day-to-day management of my organization completely to my vice president when asked what responsibilities the president retained the vice president responded that freid was out of the office until further notice msc alittle & heldenfalls
according to breaking coverage provided by eyewitnesses on the scene you have just tripped on that little incline on the second floor of evans library initial reports indicate that yes everyone is laughing at you though you did not fall or injure yourself your peers are undoubtedly already mocking your misfortune dozens of students were witness to the event but mugdown reporters have not yet been able to confirm if the cute girl you were meeting for a study date saw it happen regardless your embarrassment is palpable to everyone on the second floor and at texas a&m university the severity of this incident has already prompted a statement from the texas a&m administration we understand the situation is still developing but we felt it necessary to address this as soon as possible said texas a&m president m katherine banks the secondhand embarrassment has been felt across our university and we must stand together especially in times like this the bump has claimed the dignity of many students since the completion of evans librarys renovation in 2018 but experts agree this is the most embarrassing trip to date some suggest the architects of the renovation should be charged with gross negligence for your humiliation but many critics argue it was entirely your fault and have already posted videos of you online the mugdown will continue to provide updates as the story develops but we do not expect you to ever recover from this incident at time of publication you have reportedly gone into hiding in the bathroom stalls next to the elevators plaid libs
during the 2020 spring semester students were sent home from texas a&m university out of concern for their safety amidst the covid-19 pandemic leaving many in the class of 2023 with the feeling that they never truly finished their freshman year because these students never experienced a full year on campus current juniors are still seeking closure on the loss of their freshman year mugdown staff interviewed junior kate reddy about the process of accepting that she can never again be the scared inexperienced freshman she was in 2020 i just feel like there will always be something missing when i reflect on my time in college said reddy i know everyone says freshman year sucks but thats something i wanted to find out on my own when speaking about how she hopes to let go reddy shared some of the things that make it hard to move on every time i walk through northside i stand outside my old dorm and just imagine myself continually filling up my roommates brita sometimes the smells of sbisa still bring me back to those simpler times this group of students will never know what it is like to have a normal freshman experience from dorm room move-out to the final days confined to eating on campus however the class of 2023 continues in their search to move on and accept that they are upperclassmen at a school with what might as well be made of three classes of freshmen hannibal lechner
in order to accommodate students who live without a car or parking pass texas a&m university offers many bus routes as a means of traveling to and around campus despite the freedom that driving to campus may offer riding the bus allows some students a way to romanticize their commute i dont get why people hate having to take the bus i love my daily time spent listening to music and staring longingly out the window sophomore kendall wisenburg said the duration of a bus ride provides individuals with a little extra time to be perceived by their peers some students choose to use this time to complete basic tasks they need to get done like calling their parents checking their email or reading a class groupme students who care about how they are perceived tend to prefer to use their bus ride as time to listen to music or read i would be caught playing a silly little game or scrolling through social media on my phone imagine what people would think of me said freshman kenneth shire i prefer to read classics like ‘12 rules for life by jordan peterson to make it known that i am the smartest person on the bus one student in particular tiffany coy stated that she likes to imagine herself in new york city riding the subway she drew a comparison to reading a subway map to tracking the aggie spirit bus in the texas a&m app ill go on pinterest and look at pictures of people riding the subway to get outfit inspiration for my bus ride to help mimic the experience coy said sometimes ill even bring the new york times crossword midnight smell
when visiting campus for last weekends football game walter stevens class of 1964 was surprised to see two girls embracing underneath the century tree he then commented in a texags forum about how disappointed he was to see time-honored traditions not being followed correctly the century tree is only for romance and not for people who are just really good friends said stevens operating under the screen name redassrebelarmy i mean i know theres a friendship branch so i dont understand why those ladies felt the need to go under the main heterosexual branch the idea of lgbtq+ individuals attending texas a&m university continues to perplex former students from the extreme difficulty they have when attempting to pronounce l-g-b-t-q to the protests at draggieland old ags frequently refuse to acknowledge that this is not the same school they attended back in the good ole days another texags user posting under the pseudonym bthocommies supported stevens post in a comment i saw the same thing just last week when i was visiting my son said bthocommies a girl got down on one knee for her friend as if she was proposing! i guess its just an inside joke between roommates or something but still i hate to see our treasured tradition mocked by new army sharts and rec
while walking to class this past friday freshman greg stiller was accosted by a woman holding a bible upon learning that stiller was not religious and had no interest in learning more about her faith the woman also claimed to not be religious either in an attempt to fabricate common ground and waste more of stillers time sporting a god is greater than the highs and lows tattoo the evangelist claimed to also grapple with her faith stillers attempts to slip away still proved futile as the woman asked him more well-meaning questions that were unfortunately predicated on his belief in the christian god the woman reportedly asked if stiller would be interested in exploring his agnosticism further at tuesday bible studies at press time stillers plans do not include attending meetings to discuss his non-existent faith ring chunks
over the past month texas a&m university senior jessica ritchies has received multiple rejections while beginning her post-grad job hunt despite reaching the final round of the interview process with several potential employers she still has yet to receive a single offer ritchies maintains that she is fine and used to it citing years of rejection from campus organizations ritchies also claims to have found the job application process very similar to that of previous student organization applications according to the senior both elicit an initial hopefulness when first meeting a recruiter followed by required paperwork in which the applicant lays their soul bare next the organization or company moves forward with interviews to give candidates hope before crushing them and breaking off contact ive had my personality dissected by so many orgs that all eventually decide they didnt want me said ritchies having a company do the same is really just a reflection of my college experience many students believe that this issue is cyclical in nature as rejections from a lack of experience lead to further lack of experience it is a common observation among job seekers but ritchies believes this cycle starts long before graduation student organizations and employers use the same recruiting practices and this parallel is a major source of distress for all applicants ritchies is currently only involved in one campus organization but she hopes this will prove to be enough to receive the same number of job offers before graduation midnight smell
devin prine a supply chain management super senior has been on top of the world since saturday after winning his ring dunk competition having no preparation at all for this event due to three faithful years of sobriety it was a shocking upset when prine destroyed his competition with his time of 123 seconds i always knew i had it in me and i no amount of therapy could stop me from showing them who is still the king of texas a&m prine said his friends were initially worried for him because of how committed he was to his alcoholics anonymous (aa) group however after seeing the clout they received because they rode to the dunk together they knew prine breaking his sobriety was 100% worth it prines family was also in college station to celebrate the accomplishment of their son going three years sober they were even excited to see him participate in the ring dunk contest because he promised them he would dunk in unsweet tea the shock on their faces when they saw him pouring cans of gold four lokos into his pitcher however broke their hearts more than the first time they saw his septum piercing during his first year of fish camp i am happy that i raised a winner but at what cost why didnt he have this attitude when i forced him into joining the corps said kevin prine devins dad later that night an emotional prine was seen crying as he walked the streets of northgate for the first time since his fifth dui the entire reason he began his aa meetings time will tell if this is the end of a peaceful era in prines life or the beginning of his climb to a&m barstool legend status hullabaloo neglect neglect
in a grainy video posted to snapchat on saturday night junior microbiology major and known northgate personality kiera towson could be seen barefoot on the dance floor at icon night lounge following her viewing of this video towson who has dedicated three years of her life to the study of microbial organisms such as bacteria and viruses did not express any hint of embarrassment about her decision to raw dog it at the bar i guess i just like dont understand what all the fuss is about towson said drunk me is just such an unpredictable crazy gal and its not like anyone got hurt sue me for wanting to have a good time! sources indicate towson had consumed a single white claw and one shot of malibu and she had even volunteered to drive her group to northgate at the time her shoes ceased contact with her feet those who were with towson at the time of her decision to approach the bars toes-first detailed her rationalization of the choice she began by referencing her extensive background in the field of microbial disease transmission before talking about that guy she knows who works as a door guy at draconian and has totally seen how clean they get it each night following towsons wild night out she trekked back across campus to get to her house stopping in front of sbisa to wash something kinda sticky off the bottoms of her feet in fish pond at press time towson had a next-day appointment at beutel for an itchy flaky rash that had developed on her right foot but was according to her completely unrelated to her barefoot bar escapade flash it back ags
this semester texas a&m universitys bus services were reinstated at full running capacity transporting an average of 48 000 passengers a day however survey results released last week reveal that 80% of aggie spirit bus drivers report they had not been aware of the presence of passengers on their buses until recently i figured something was going on back there said student driver lynn hewitt when i turned around to see what the commotion was there were tons of people sitting on my bus i was like what are you doing here do you need something and why are there people standing right in front of my two-minute parking spot some attribute the overwhelming failure of drivers to realize passengers actually ride the aggie spirit buses to the decreased number of students using buses as their primary form of transport over the past year now upon the realization that passengers will ride their routes some bus drivers are realizing their driving style must change if there are going to be witnesses im honestly just mortified that there were probably people who experienced my last shift said tyler hudson another student driver i was listening to my metal playlist on the speakers and taking the curves a little fast so i may have clipped a tree in the trigon area at least i hope it was a tree bus riders have reportedly arrived at their destinations either 30 minutes ahead of schedule or never get picked up at all decimating class attendance some students are taking passenger awareness measures to remind drivers to acknowledge their lives such as waving both hands excitedly while speedwalking the last three feet to the bus doors and loudly shouting if drivers are headed towards stationary objects squat pilgrim
the college of engineering and the deans office have announced a competition for engineering students set to take place this fall this competition will focus on the theoretical redesign of the drainage infrastructure of texas a&m university in an effort to engage with the student population the college assures the public that there is nothing wrong with the current drainage system and that this is purely an exercise for the students to test their creative thinking and problem-solving skills as there have been no complaints about flooding on campus during times of heavy rain there are no plans to put the student-submitted proposals into effect in the near future reportedly the cven 339 water resources engineering end-of-semester project is also to redesign the campus drainage system although the civil and environmental department maintains that this is not due to any fault with the current design the department declined to comment on any stagnant water or flooded storm drains supposedly observed during light rain events the department heads have stated that although the current drainage system could not be any better they are still excited to review the students submissions there are many ways to approach creating a drainage system though i am curious to see whether they will keep the retention pond in the quadrangle or not said dr zachary grasley head of the civil and environmental engineering department weeb king gill
in a booming ethereal voice that echoed across campus on sunday at around 11:00 am god the almighty creator of the universe could be heard issuing an excused absence for all of his faithful disciples that had skipped church in the name of pulling tickets for the upcoming football game against alabama my steadfast and faithful children said the holy father so many of you sit here toiling under the sun you have ignored my house of worship choosing instead to await the earthly pleasure of a first-deck football ticket every week you cry out extolling my virtue to those who have not devoted their lives to the teaching of my word yet in this hour of loss this time of great tragedy you abandon me the divine justice of all mankind would that it were the times of the old testament and i could free the brazos valley of your sinful proclivities sources report that an omnipotent laugh swept over college station before the king of kings declared with the voices of heaven singing behind him oh my me could you imagine if i were actually serious oh look at me big bad old testament god coming to rend your flesh ha! if yall knew half of the excuses paul gave me while he was in lystra you wouldnt even feel bad god then proceeded to excuse all of the ticket pull attendees from missing church telling them to be easy before retreating back up to his eternal righteous throne at press time god was overheard telling saint michael the archangel about the number of people that would need to show up at breakaway to warrant divine intervention during the alabama game flash it back ags
to the bewilderment of many students attending in-person classes for the first time the majority of the clocks on campus have remained decades-old analog machines students unable to read the clocks of yore have found themselves running late for their classes and scrambling to be punctual for their organization meetings in a recent interview with the interim dean of the college of engineering it was revealed that the college had plans to implement ecen 105: intro to analog clocks the course aims to amend both the mass reduction in class attendance and the increase in lecture tardiness due to student inability to complete tasks learned in the second grade growing up with an apple watch slapped on her wrist at the age of nine impacted jill simpson a sophomore construction science major more than anticipated a high school education did not prepare me for the unfair environment that texas a&m would impose on me and my friends by not providing digital clocks to expect me to still make it to my classes every day in these conditions is unjust simpson said i was waiting in the hallway for my class to start for over four hours but by the time i walked in at 6:10 it turned out my 2:30 class had long been let out simpsons professors claim that she attended only four lectures in the entire spring semester and that her fall attendance was looking similarly poor the ecen 105 course syllabus includes a comprehensive exam that consists of identifying clock hands labeling tick marks and reading the current time on an analog clock the professors of the course are excited about impacting the lives of thousands of students and giving them the resources to excel in their future careers and daily lives bims and snap
last week texas a&m counseling and psychological services (caps) announced the beginning of the fantasy football fixation (fff) program a group counseling session designed for texas a&m university students and faculty who are struggling to resist the urge to check their fantasy lineups during work and school the implementation of this program comes after a dramatic surge in the number of fantasy football leagues based in the bryan-college station area for the 2021 national football league (nfl) season the ultimate goal of fff is to reeducate fantasy team owners on time management and tangible skills so that they can be fully ready to enter the real world when the nfl season ends this winter caps was inspired by the story of matthew berrymore student and former avid fantasy league commissioner turned cautionary tale my team was a total bust berrymore said i had to make trades and waiver claims every week just to make ends meet which often occurred during my lectures after posting his worst gpa of his college career and coming in dead last in his flos league berrymore decided he needed a change he proceeded to change his major to sports management and even got an internship with a major football team this past summer berrymore attributes his success to the redirection of his passion within fantasy to his real life fff has already begun this semester teaching current and former fantasy players how to refocus their energy into more positive outlets caps counselor and fff mentor adam scheflin has already seen progress in participants such as increased involvement in romantic and platonic relationships improved academic performance and increased career development in his statement scheflin remarked fff may not have saved me from spending 24 hours in dennys as a loser punishment in fantasy football but it did save my marriage which is arguably more important century swingers
on monday local cookie store tiffs treats unveiled an innovative package designed for students who need to notify their roommates that they must quarantine the package includes two dozen cookies four n-95 masks and a decorative hazmat sign to be used as home decor the new offering is intended to decrease the awkwardness of notifying your housemates that you tested positive for covid-19 have therefore exposed them to a deadly illness and more pressingly extremely inconvenienced them following the first round of mandatory testing for all students and staff texas a&m university reported 3 744 positive covid-19 tests from august 22nd through september 18th signifying a large need for this creative product once we saw cases rising we knew we had a golden opportunity tiffs treats manager kay gerrell said sure college students basically being plague rats is bad for the community but its great for business! despite large numbers of students reporting positive covid-19 tests and exposures texas a&m is not requiring professors to universally offer hybrid zoom options this semester the tiffs treats package really helped with telling my roommates that they would probably fall 10 days behind in all of their classes sophomore hannah erens said they could barely be passive aggressive when i distracted them with warm cookies! heldenfalls
after a semester-long fling with that cute guy from math 140 the two of you have finally called it quits while that means no more roses or date nights it also means that you will be spending a whole lot more time living in your own apartment while your roommates constant presence means you will never have to be truly alone it also means that her time living in peaceful solitude has come to an end though you may be sad to be single your roommate is also mourning the loss of her quiet mornings and empty kitchen she could once blast her music in the shower but now she must turn it down out of respect for you the once-low utility bill has skyrocketed from the hours you spend crying in the shower while she used to use your pantry shelf for extra storage space she must now clean it off and accept that she is not the only one who lives there her morning routine which used to include meditation and yoga in the middle of the living room is now disturbed as you snore loudly through your four alarms you know your roommate feels sympathy for your recent breakup but having you back and sharing the apartment you pay rent for has been a hard adjustment for her while you lost a person she gained one; one who lives with her and keeps an opposite sleep schedule so when shes comforting you for losing your boo just remember that this is harder on her than it is for you hannibal lechner
texas a&m university recently announced plans to introduce a new state-of-the-art course trading and bartering system into their administrative program howdy this collaboration with ibms advanced artificial intelligence system watson allows for students to select certain courses and assets such as dining dollars meal swipes and parking passes to exchange with other students this comes after increased student complaints in regards to the difficulty of registering for courses needed for graduation the platform cost the university system $15 million to develop and will be fully released to students by the start of the spring 2022 semester mays business school freshman kathleen mohan was a member of a private beta testing group this past fall after struggling to get into her accounting course mohan was able to barter on howdy with another member of the beta test to get into her preferred section i was so relieved to stay on track mohan said i had to give up all my football tickets through 2023 but i generally left before halftime anyways texas a&m is the first school to implement a program of its kind several other southeastern conference schools such as the university of alabama and mississippi state university are following texas a&ms lead and launching similar programs for their students this new initiative is all in the name of improving student life by allowing students to serve one another in a way they never before could embodying the core value of selfless service century swingers
dear the mugdown when i first came to texas a&m i thought i would be so different from other girls here i love being outdoors (i have a skateboard and vans to prove it) i love drinking ipas and recording them on untapped and above all i genuinely enjoy watching every sport that exists even my xl t-shirts have ironic statements on them like women want me fish fear me so people know i have a good sense of humor despite this i feel like im just blending in with the other women here and my crush isnt noticing me how do i show him that im able to be one of the boys while still having him think that im desirable help me! quirky and unique hey quirky youre definitely not alone many women struggle to find the line between being a bro and maintaining their status as a feminine object of sexual desire from what you said it can be assumed that you are not like other girls and get along better with guys because theyre so low-drama and easy to be around you probably love playing madden and call of duty and youve been known to sing along to chance the rapper and tyler the creator this isnt to say however that you walk around looking like a total schlub; you know how to rock a square-tip manicure and are a professional at putting your hair into a tastefully-arranged messy low bun thankfully there is one tried and true method that will undoubtedly get his attention and solidify you as the coolest girl he knows: joining a mens org if you think about it a mens org is the perfect setting for a young woman who knows her worth doesnt wish to subject herself to the social intricacies of all-female friend groups and has interests that other women just dont understand while the guys in your chosen org may initially try to reject you rely on one of the skills you talked about you could easily discuss the fruity undertones of whatever dog-piss water theyre calling beer or talk about how the aggies really need to become more comfortable running passing plays and stop sitting on the ball for so damn long whatever you steer the conversation towards make sure its something that other girls couldnt even hope to talk about when joining a mens org youll want to make sure that you choose one with a good reputation and a membership base made up of guys that are hot but not so hot that your crush feels like he has no chance on the other end youll want to avoid joining an org full of weirdos uggos or total virgins youll ideally find a group that shares some of your common non-female interests has frequent brotherhood events you can post about and allows you the opportunity to hone the assets you already have bonus points if they host a tailgate you can use to show off your perfect cornhole toss if all else fails remember that the right person is out there for you you shouldnt have to completely sacrifice the things you love about yourself for the attention of a man who probably hasnt washed his sheets since the beginning of the spring semester the qualities that you value in yourself are what draw people to you even if the person hasnt found you yet you could also cash it in and date a guy in the corps happy hunting! flash it back ags
this article originally appeared in the mugdowns fall 2021 print edition to view a digital copy of the print edition click here in a recent text to her mom sophomore sophia anderson detailed the lackluster quality of life in bryan-college station without the thrill of the city and the life-risking adventures it can pose anderson claimed the 30 seconds of travel from the lobby to the 12th floor gives [her] more than enough opportunity for excitement and action anderson stepped onto her apartment complexs elevator with no intention other than to put the oblivious company at the utmost unease the awkward initiation of conversation was only the beginning of the rush for anderson sources indicate that the variable span of a topic of conversation mixed with the mystery of the elevator rides length added the aspect of unnecessarily prolonged silences to her game anderson employed new conversation starters for those who did not exit the elevator during the given pauses anderson believes that her efforts do not go unnoticed and that they are even appreciated by her company i have unsolicitedly gathered enough information from the elevator girl that i may even consider her a friend now said a resident of andersons building ive learned that pretending to not have heard her or even genuinely being on the phone will not stop her pursuits i have to mentally prepare myself for the ride to my floor whenever i see her cant this girl take a hint sometimes the conversation serves as andersons personal challenge for the day much like the popular ‘elevator roulette challenge conversing with people in a short period of time gives her a small sense of accomplishment bims and snap
this article originally appeared in the mugdowns fall 2021 print edition to view a digital copy of the print edition click here a recent survey at texas a&m university found that many students are struggling to get a second date what advice would you give to secure that elusive second date taking my dates to the slocum nutrition center has worked well for me even if whoever im bringing isnt super into me its hard to turn down access to a michelin star-quality meal all on the athletic departments tab of course shauna rogers midfielder for aggie womens soccer i always make sure to show off my american express gold card usually by making a show of asking if they accept amex at this location of course i got approved for it off my parents credit but my date will never know that darnell green business honors and supply chain major showering before the first date has proven to be pretty helpful for me deodorant can be a nice touch as well if youre really trying to dazzle aaron jacobs computer science major ever since i got my boots wearing my full class b uniform at all times has really improved my dating life i might just be attracting boot chasers but thats better than nothing william graham senior in the corps of cadets there was so much pressure for my co-chair and i to date that i think we both were too scared to call it quits even though there wasnt much of a love connection it required a lot of effort and some top notch acting to make it seem like we were seriously dating but at least this way we were able to save face in front of our counselors lacey owens fish camp chairperson batt for both teams
this article originally appeared in the mugdowns fall 2021 print edition to view a digital copy of the print edition click here the 5 finger white wall theres nothing quite like a five finger white wall with a two on top better known as a fish cut with this haircut theres no doubt that you are the bottom of the totem pole the punching bag of the corps you went from high school hero to zero faster than you could drop down and do twenty push-ups if you have this haircut odds are you are either falling asleep in class or having a daily internal debate on whether all this suffering will be worth it probably both the chia pet this haircut lets everyone around you know you dont care about the corps anymore its definitely been three or four weeks since youve gotten a haircut but whos counting anyway definitely not you only white belts or really burnt out pissheads sport this cut the slick back this haircut looks inconspicuous when your bider is on but take it off to reveal an out-of-regulation cut on top that knows how to party and doesnt care about discipline only for the boldest of cadets this hairstyle is sure to cause a scene the hard part reserved for the corps elite this haircut says it all though it was banned by the commandant several years ago for not looking military enough it has rebounded back harder than the aggies after hiring jimbo fisher you are definitely in a leadership position or involved off the quad if youre rocking this bootchaser favorite the bob cut wags sporting this hairstyle are sending a clear message that theyre the alphas you have more important things to be doing than spending twenty minutes every morning putting your hair in a bun if youre a true corps baddie you are definitely rocking this hairstyle quadbuck naked
this article originally appeared in the mugdowns fall 2021 print edition to view a digital copy of the print edition click here i mentioned my goldman internship and the countless networking contacts i made there brianna ‘22 finance major yeah you know the type nothing is more attractive to a man than the challenge of a woman with the potential to be more successful than him if he isnt attracted to your looks hit the books i spent the night in the zachry study rooms with visual studio open looking helpless and confused nikki ‘23 meen girl engaging with the men found in zachry past 1 am is a failsafe method to securing a six figure salary soulmate a meet-cute in the 24 hour study room not only ensures passing your class but might also fulfill your bob the builder fantasy i said i didnt know how to dance my 27th time at harrys maggie ‘24 sophomore bootchaser give men what they want: control let them think they are leading you when in reality you are leading them into a permanent place in your life step on their toes giggle apologize and repeat i walked around campus in business professional attire regardless of if i had an interview or project that day brent ‘24 has ‘entrepreneur in his tinder bio presentation is everything how better to appeal to a woman as a potential suitor if not to casually present to her your wedding day outfit nonchalantly flip your wrist to check the time on daddys rolex even if you still havent learned to read analog i scaled all four flights of held twice a day every day consistency is key ryker ‘23 aspiring personal trainer this one can be tricky but those who can silence their panting desperate attempts for air and contain the redness on their faces upon arriving at the fourth floor are the elite who serve as a reminder that a god-tier exists among the greatest as well i tightened my safety goggles a notch extra to get those sweet goggle marks of a stem major to last throughout the day paxton ‘22 single work smarter not harder crisp red lines and baggy eyes are the signs of a man who can successfully titrate on his first attempt a relationship with a chemistry major will promise you chemistry in your relationship bims and snap
this article originally appeared in the mugdowns fall 2021 print edition to view a digital copy of the print edition click here junior economics student gary garza waited in line for 45 minutes at a career fair last wednesday before admitting to a recruiter that he is flat out lazy with no redeeming qualities garza then spent the next 5 minutes outlining his relevant experiences which include doing a risk-reward analysis to decide whether to cheat on his math exam and using cost-effectiveness analysis to choose how many girls he needs to invite to kickbacks for him and all his friends to get laid concluding his elevator pitch garza mentioned that he wants to join a work environment where he is a culture fit and told the recruiter to look out for his resume garzas blunt assessment of his own work ethic signals a significant decay in his self-perception beginning his sophomore year of high school garza frequently reposted quotes from hustle lifestyle instagram accounts and was known for updating his snapchat story each time he completed a school assignment or visited the gym usually captioned with the phrase build a better you these tendencies remained intact throughout the pandemic as his study habits worsened until they came to an abrupt stop several weeks ago on a tuesday night at los cucos wed always give gary a hard time about skipping every required recitation for karaoke especially after how much he talked about getting back on his grind once in-person classes started again that career fair was the first time he didnt make an excuse and actually lived up to the fact that he is going nowhere in life said jonathan olaez a friend of garzas im really happy that hes finally free from the pressure he put on himself to be successful personally ive been a lot happier since i lost all of my ambition msc alittle
this week the mays business student council will be hosting their career fair in reed arena the career fair will feature an array of companies that will lead students to financial freedom and connect them with a supporting inner circle of boss babes for students interested in a job where they can make their own schedule this serves as the perfect opportunity to jumpstart their career in an investigation for the mugdown we donned full business professional attire and stepped onto the floor to talk to some of these revolutionary companies we first spoke with ra-ra revs an off-campus parking pass distribution company eager for ambitious students ready to be their own boss weve just come into some really great opportunities with this amazing team and since we still have some open positions of course i thought of texas a&m students said recruiter susanna josephs were looking for hard-working people who want to empower each other by starting their own businesses with us junior finance major reed johnson a career fair attendee explained what enticed him to work for ra-ra revs ive had previous experiences in my internships with boring office jobs but with ra-ra revs i now can make money from my phone working on my own schedule said johnson after handing off his resume in fact with just a small $100 fee i can get started right now! after our discussion with johnson he offered us a parking pass and for a small fee asked us to join his team to spread the word about off-campus parking despite its welcoming corporate culture ra-ra revs isnt without scrutiny while walking around reed arena we overheard a student say that ra-ra revs is just a predatory pyramid scheme but students like johnson insist that they are making an honest living while living their best lives hannibal lechner and batt for both teams
this article originally appeared in the mugdowns fall 2021 print edition to view a digital copy of the print edition click here this past summer many students went abroad to earn credit hours encounter different cultures learn new languages and visit well-known historical sites for most the experience has left them struggling to readjust to college life extreme jet lag is a grueling battle for many students with the time difference between america and foreign countries when i first got home i just could not get any rest and ended up bedridden for a week from exhaustion and fatigue said junior nicole richardson [editors note: richardson was recently diagnosed with insomnia] reverse culture shock has also struck some of the students returning home i was so used to staying out at the bars until 5:00 am and sleeping in until noon every day in london northgate just isnt the same 2:00 am is too early for the bars to close! said senior scott andrews also i have to get up at 8:00 am every day for class now school wasnt like this in england! [editors note: andrews recently missed his first quiz because he slept in until 11:00 am] i just miss my new girlfriend i met in spain said junior george milton i dont know how were going to make long-distance work yet but its a challenge were willing to face together [editors note: milton and his girlfriend broke up over facetime two weeks later] for many returning students figuring out what they are going to eat for their next meal is the biggest obstacle of their day my host family cooked every meal for me but now i have to cook for myself again and buy my own groceries the only good thing about being home is that my bank account can begin to recover too bad i dont have a job here and the wine is more expensive said senior jackson goodfellow with the new unfortunate realities that these students must face they must find activities and friends that will help them distract them from obsessively reminiscing on the best days of their life mugdown staff
image credit: parker todd following the football matchup against the university of colorado in denver texas a&m university football head coach jimbo fisher was surprisingly unphased in his post-game press conference we always prepare for the worst said fisher in his statement to a texags reporter we will see a version of haynes [king] sooner than we think this statement left many confused and concerned as haynes king starting quarterback sustained serious injuries following a sack early in the game on saturday today fisher called a press conference in college station to make an announcement in collaboration with texas a&ms college of veterinary medicine and the ncaa fisher has launched an advanced form of cloning therapy to provide identical backups of the most talented players on the team at this point in time fisher did not reveal which other players have been cloned he revealed that kings backup haynes queen has been defrosted and has quietly been taking snaps with the team all week this is due to a loophole in ncaa guidelines that allows clones to have eligibility as long as their source body is still eligible for competition and the clone falls under an additional full academic scholarship following kings recovery queen will be allowed to remain a texas a&m student under scholarship fisher has had a long history of talented quarterbacks under his helm including jameis winston florida state quarterback and former first-overall draft pick and kellen mond rookie quarterback for the minnesota vikings fisher is no stranger to investing extra funds towards advanced health methods including cryotherapy laser eye surgery and stem cell treatments to improve quarterback play while cloning is controversial to some many texags forum members have given praise to fishers innovative methods jimbo fisher has kept the flame of a college football national championship alive! said one user immediately following fishers press conference protests questioning the ethics of cloning for the purpose of college football began outside kyle field however the ncaa has shown their approval for both fisher and queen regardless of the morality of the decision the aggies will have their starting quarterback this weekend century swingers
this tuesday students across texas a&m universitys campus were shocked to learn that the vice president of student affairs was none other than brigadier general joe ramirez former commandant of the corps of cadets this shocking revelation of a narc among student organizations has led many to question who the man underneath the camo and khaki really is sarah nelson the student who discovered the scheme told the mugdown how she knew it was general ramirez i went in to discuss my organization aggie rubies and he kept yelling at me to ‘drop and give him 20 nelson said at first i thought it was just an overreaction but when he kept referring to my organization as an ‘outfit i knew something was up jack hertzold another student leader was also unknowingly fooled by general ramirez i thought the new vpsa was just a cool guy i mean sure hes a little stiff and told me that facts dont care about my feelings but hes also really into ipas! corps of cadets members were reportedly awestruck by the discovery as many had thought that the recent absence of general ramirez from the quad meant he had found a new position at another university the celebrations however quickly stopped after the realization that the vpsa is in charge of the corps of cadets a student organization the new commandant did not respond to the mugdowns request for comment but he could be heard muttering obscenities after hearing the news of general ramirezs grand scheme milidairy walk
in a recent attempt to cut texas a&m counseling and psychological services (caps) costs all licensed psychologists have been released from their positions and replaced by fish camp counselors few have been surprised by this move as fish camp counselors have long operated as pseudo-psychologists when interacting with freshmen in their discussion group (dg) topics of discussion during dg time range from familial struggles and mental illness to sexual orientation and identity issues making conversations usually saved for close friends and professional psychologists a regular occurrence freshmen often feel pressured by counselors to share certain things about themselves and expose their most intimate secrets during their first interaction with college life despite the major shift in caps staffing certain students support the change this is such a great opportunity for me said victoria taylor a third-year fish camp counselor ive been coercing freshmen to talk about their issues at lakeview for years and i only got a few instagram posts out of it now i get paid to do it even though most of the newly hired fish camp counselors are still in undergraduate courses themselves and their qualifications are most often helped my best friend through their break up or watched a ted talk about psychology one time initial results look promising using fish camp counselors unique ability to manipulate students into opening up quickly caps expects to reach more students than ever quadbuck naked
the lgbtq+ community within texas a&m university is relatively small leading to an unusually large amount of sloppy seconds situations within the community due to the emotional hardships that can occur from this the pride center has announced plans for a sloppy seconds support group to help queer aggies face the harsh reality of being someones second choice i just found out last week that my boyfriend of one year dated my current best friend before me we all just laughed it off but now that i am thinking about it this situation feels weird said josh harper an out gay sophomore i am looking forward to finding a community of fellow sloppy seconds the pride center mentioned that stories like josh harpers are not uncommon with such a small community on campus and around bryan-college station uncomfortable situations will arise we want to better equip our queer aggies with the tools necessary to avoid unfortunate outcomes with individuals deemed a ‘sloppy second negative endings to relationships and friendships isolation and poor mental health have been tied to lack of a community once an individual realizes their ‘sloppy seconds nature said claire garfield the newly appointed director for the support group with this announcement the pride center offers hope to many queer aggies currently struggling with being considered someone elses sloppy second crygon
in an effort to increase participation breakaway ministries is rolling out a new form of worship for those not blessed with the gift of song starting next week participants will now be encouraged to read the lyrics to themselves and internalize the message behind the words rather than trying to sing along this way worshipers will be able to have a more personal connection to the song and wont be distracted by the discordant voices of their neighbors said stephan richards a breakaway leader we played around with other ideas such as humming clapping to the beat or providing ear plugs with traditional worship but ultimately we decided that silently reading the lyrics was the best option many breakaway participants have expressed their excitement for this change stating that god gives everyone different gifts and that some of their friends might really benefit from this act of service those who would still prefer the traditional worship however will continue to be able to sing after a peer reviewed application process has been completed weeb king gill
last night the commandant announced all cadets in the front two rows of the lecture halls will be fully withdrawn by december 1 2021 this announcement marks a historic end to the corps decades-long occupation of the coveted seats and raises questions about what has been accomplished since the front row turned khaki the cadets invasion first took place after the commandant deemed fraternity rule of the front row a threat to the classroom dynamic corps leaders then pledged to help non-regs set a culture of arriving on-time and engaging with professors during class but the occupying force quickly found itself in a quagmire plagued by cadets falling asleep at their posts although the commandant has expressed confidence that the general student population is prepared to be disciplined without corps occupation pundits have expressed concerns that the seats may fall back into the hands of groups that prioritize creating good pr over good member gpr in the eyes of critics of the corps involvement in academic affairs this withdrawal was long overdue this regime has caused irreparable damage to generations of aggies who were robbed of the chance to connect with professors in the front row said senior english major jenna rivera these students missed out on many of the privileges we take for granted in non-occupied classes from grade bumps to rec letters the first cadets will leave their front row posts next week but the impact of this decision has already been felt by corps graduates who served on the front rows was it really all for nothing said timothy connolly 98 i used to think we were helping the non-regs build a culture of academic excellence but i cant help but think about how all those extra minutes spent in the classroom were wasted at press time pledges from the kappa omega beta fraternity had assumed control of the front rows in heldenfels and mitchell and zachry is expected to fall soon msc alittle
following a groundbreaking investigation conducted last friday by the texas a&m university supernaturalist club spooky texas a&m officials have been forced to confirm that the eerie circular shapes of the instructional rooms within the innovative learning classroom building (ilcb) were actually designed to act as a series of summoning circles to resurrect the spirit of old army though many students and professors thought them to be ordinary classrooms the true nature of the annular architecture was a decision made by university administration in response to outcry from former students describing a university that has drifted away from its traditional values and toward newer practices that are scary and unfamiliar in order to address this discrepancy texas a&m officials made a deal with the demon belphegor to trade the souls of current aggies in order to restore the campus of both the students and ideals of old according to a university spokesperson students not sacrificed for the restoration of the university can expect a return to primarily white male class demographics though they will be able to find normalcy in the accustomed lack of systematic action by university officials regarding issues of racism transphobia and homophobia i know it will cost us the souls of all of the students who love and cherish texas a&m for what it has become today but at the end of the day we really just want to satisfy our old ag investors said chancellor john sharp even though they left campus decades ago we must keep their best interests in mind when making decisions that affect students today despite the fact that many unhappy former aggies also cited the universitys departure from good christian values into the sinful ways of the devil as reason for their dissatisfaction officials decided that making a deal with an actual demon to sell the souls of their current students was the quickest and most efficient way to appease former students this decision may prove to be a challenge for the universitys sustainability in the long run however as sacrificed students may find it difficult to make donations to an alma mater that sold their soul the maroon scare and plaid libs
last march texas a&m university announced that all classes would be in-person for the fall semester the announcement was largely met with celebration marking a return to normalcy for the university after the first week of classes however faculty are calling for a reinstatement of last years covid-19 protocols after facing the crowds of wild students stampeding through campus the landscape has been trampled there are bikes in every other tree and i cant even hear my own voice when i lecture because there are at least a dozen students talking at any given time said dr sarita lampur dr lampur teaches a graduate-level physics course with a class size of eight people some faculty members are calling for a return to spring semester covid-19 protocols as they believe the administration was too hasty in recalling these measures this would entail zoom classes from remote locations limited office hours and the lack of obligation to see students face-to-face when we decided to have fall classes in-person last march we felt that students should return to campus and have the chance to experience learning at one of the best universities in person said john waternoose texas a&m professor and member of the covid-19 task force that was assembled in 2020 professor waternoose was initially a proponent of the push for in-person classes but is now leading the charge to reverse the decision saying i thought it would be less work for us but i forgot what a bummer these little assholes are other members of the committee admitted privately their disappointment in not being able to chill and kick it for a semester walton texas ranger
completely oblivious to the fact that each encounter was predetermined in a computer simulation sophomore public health major analise rosario exclaimed her surprise and delight at how many friends she had already coincidentally seen during her first normal week on campus sure im involved in fish camp my flo my sorority and im going to apply for a womens org rosario said as dg child #3 was rendered in the distance but i really didnt think that returning to in-person would mean having a friend in each class three weeks before her second year at texas a&m university rosario previously unaffiliated with any organizations filled out a survey on what she hoped her sophomore year would look like using her responses a digital world where rosario had already been accepted into every desirable student group was created to house her consciousness for eternity the simulation was designed by the department of computer science and engineering in response to concerns that the return to campus would not live up to the high expectations enrollment in this virtual reality has increased by about 500 students each day and is expected to be used by most texas a&m students by the end of the semester at press time the consciousness of ten thousand students had been erased following an it failure on campus msc alittle
recent mandatory covid-19 testing has reportedly left many students with dry mouth feeling victimized by the texas a&m saliva pcr test or spit test unlike the swab test performed at curative testing kiosks the spit test requires a 15ml sample of saliva and more than 10 minutes of active drooling into a test tube dry-mouthed students hoping to participate in this new form of mandated selfless service are not allowed to drink at all for at least 20 minutes prior to submitting a sample after underreporting risky behavior on the pre-test survey students are able to choose from a variety of on-campus covid-19 testing locations those wishing to avoid the long wait times at the curative kiosks will find themselves subjected to the texas a&m spit test upon arrival at one of the main spit test centers testers receive a single paper towel and a collection tube with instructions to maintain appropriate social distancing while salivating students suffering from chronic or intermittent dry mouth were reportedly harassed by overzealous volunteers gatekeeping the sample collection bin when these students finally managed to produce a sizable glob of spittle many struggled to deposit it into the tube and found it mortifyingly dribbling down their chins instead those who attempted to submit their samples prematurely were sent back to continue filling their tube leaving many tongues completely devoid of moisture the humiliating process has caused some students to swear off covid-19 testing for the remainder of the pandemic preferring to live in blissful ignorance and university sanctions rather than endure the texas a&m spit test again soiled science
for the first time since september 2019 zombies are back at texas a&m to aid in freshmen leadership organization or flo recruitment it did not take long for these brain-eating humanoids employed by the freshman leadership advisory council to claim their first unsuspecting victim according to helpless onlookers incoming freshman jennifer luna was walking into the memorial student center for lunch when she was first engaged by the zombie sources did not indicate exactly why luna stopped to talk with the creature but one eyewitness claims luna had asked the zombie to repeat what it had said as its find your family croak was barely audible despite the vicious and human-centered eating habits of zombies freshman leadership advisory council maintains that these creatures are a necessary risk surely we cant ask our flo counselors to stand out in the texas heat for weeks straight holding a banner said janelle montoya who serves as a counselor for freshman leaders in christ zombies are the only way many of these orgs are able to get their name out there and we all know how rare casualties are anyway researchers at the institute for formerly-human science have attributed the low feasting rate of zombies on students to two main factors first most texas a&m students have no interest in any of the flo banners and often put in bluetooth-utilizing airpods a known repellent secondly most freshmen who would otherwise be susceptible to zombie flo recruitment have already been marked by counselors during fish camp this lets the zombies know that they have already been claimed by the flo that their dg parent was in after considering the unique situation this semester presents the interfraternity council has announced a partnership with zombies to reach their new target demographic of anyone who isnt a transfer student and didnt go to high school with four actives msc alittle
in a bombshell announcement that rocked the college football landscape texas a&m university head coach jimbo fisher announced that the aggies will not be playing any football games this season because it wouldnt be fair to other teams this unprecedented move comes months after texas a&m football achieved its highest ranking since 1939 and only weeks before the beginning of a season that aggie fans hoped would end with a championship although his program faces sanctions from the ncaa and the sec fisher has doubled down on the decision emphasizing that texas a&ms core values are more important than football wins this isnt a choice i made lightly but it really came down to respect fisher said weve got a lot of respect for the dedication that the players and coaches of alabama georgia and florida have shown while preparing to play us and i dont think that embarrassing our rivals on national tv would be the best way for us to show that unfortunately jimbos explanation was not satisfactory for most college football pundits many have accused fisher of failing to confront the reality that his team might not live up to the high expectations set by fans one espn reporter even suggested that fisher is just trying to avoid the fate of former texas head coach tom hermann who was fired two seasons after his quarterback declared texas is back despite the criticism fisher insisted that his motivations are altruistic and mentioned there is one way the aggies might take the field this fall: a mercy rule this statement is at odds with previous comments regarding mercy rules made by fisher who once caused an ncaa audit of texas a&m athletics by saying my guys arent being paid to have mercy following a 62-3 win despite this falls lack of live football university spokespeople have promised that there will be events on campus designed to meet the day-drinking needs of students at press time athletic director ross bjork announced that saturday game days will now feature replays of the 2012 alabama 2018 lsu and 2020 florida games on the kyle field screen –msc alittle
they called me a mad man last year for predicting an undefeated season for texas a&m football while most experts (including every sports writer for the battalion) speculated that texas a&m would only be able to win 5-7 games on the season in an all-sec schedule the sport analytics gurus at the mugdown (myself) were able to predict texas a&ms success with 90% accuracy 2020 saw the aggies post their highest winning percentage since the 1990s and this time they did it without facing severe ncaa sanctions for recruiting violations this season feels like the best (and possibly last) chance for texas a&m to assert itself as one of the premier teams in not only the sec but the entire country before oklahoma and a certain team down in austin join the conference coach jimbo fisher has the aggies on the exact same trajectory that his florida state seminoles were on when he took over for them in 2010 year one saw a competitive team post four losses but they finished strong with a bowl win and a top 20 finish year two saw the team regress slightly losing one more game than the season before but still ended with a bowl win and a respectable record year three saw the team improve drastically winning the orange bowl led by a senior quarterback whose draft stock rose exponentially in the months after his final game in year four at florida state control of jimbos offense was given over to a redshirt freshman quarterback and with the help of a team loaded with nfl talent they finished the season 14-0 and won the national championship going into year four at texas a&m jimbo is giving control of his offense to redshirt freshman haynes king and the team is loaded with nfl talent like jaylen wydermeyer isaiah spiller demani richardson demarvin leal and kenyon green despite having a completely new team staff and even athletic director the stench of the sumlin-era still lingers over the team like some green cartoon squiggly lines many national media members see this as another overrated texas a&m team destined to ride the aggie football rollercoaster right off the tracks by october to raise the stakes even higher if the aggies were to make the college football playoff and play in the semifinal at cowboy stadium it would line up with the 100th anniversary of the original 12th man game at the 1922 dixie classic in dallas if there was ever a time for a school who cares about tradition above all else to win a championship this would be it with expectations this high there are really only two possible outcomes: a conference championship or caps will have to officially offer counseling for battered aggie syndrome offense: despite being the most criticized player (by his own fanbase) in the sec for the last four years the departure of kellen mond has raised a huge question mark for the aggie offense luckily texas a&m has a long storied history of highly-touted quarterback recruits succeeding as freshmen such as kyle allen kenny trill and kyler murray regardless of his actual play on the field haynes kings name is a headline writers dream in the coming years were sure to see the battalion and bcs eagle write articles like king of kyle king-slayer and return of the king the main pass-catching duties on the team will once again go to tight end jalen wydermyer with help from receivers chase lane and anias smith who is tasked with playing as many positions as possible like the fast kid on a middle school team meanwhile the legend of demond demas has grown to near mythical proportions the former five-star recruit has yet to actually see the field in a real game but grainy practice videos and witness accounts on twitter make him out to be a cross between randy moss and batman the most likely explanation is that coach fisher is keeping him in a cryogenic chamber until the team needs a deus ex machina to beat alabama at the last second despite also losing four starting linemen from last years team the run game looks to be one of the most effective in the country led by the three headed monster of spiller achane and smith the smartest course of action with this group would be to mimic the 1939 aggie national championship team which only threw the ball 78 times the entire season defense: heading into the season mike elkos defensive line currently has more players suspended than it does sacks luckily jimbo fisher seems to have prepared for this exact eventuality by signing 15 pass rushers in the last three recruiting classes ignoring the players who are missing for non-football reasons the defense returns 20 of its top 22 players from last season some questions still remain about the secondary which allowed 435 yards against alabama last year and the linebacking corps which lost its top tackler in buddy johnson nevertheless this is set to be the best aggie defense since dana bibles 1919 team that surrendered zero points for the entire season at the very least this looks like the perfect opportunity to be the first team in the jimbo era to hold alabama to under 45 points right schedule preview: instead of just previewing the schedule i have decided to give an description of each opponent on texas a&ms schedule in a way that non-football fans can better understand kent state (kyle field sep 4) – whisper sister shots: have you ever been to whisper sister or know anyone who has this is how i feel about kent state football i guarantee most people could not tell you what conference or even what state they play in a&m 45 kent st 13 colorado (mile high sep 11) – duddleys draw: the only people you will find at duddleys draw on a friday night are those who are old enough to remember the last time colorado was relevant at football on the national level a&m 41 cu 20 new mexico (kyle field sep 18) – chimys: chimys serves mexican food so they are like new mexico not every comparison is gonna be a winner a&m 59 unm 3 arkansas (cowboy stadium sep 25) – the backyard: despite how bad arkansas is most years the game in cowboy stadium is always fun sure it might be a little expensive in comparison to other games but youre paying for the experience a&m 38 arkansas 27 mississippi st (kyle field oct 2) – obannons: both the air raid offense and an irish pub are beloved gimmicks although the staffs are still a subject of controversy coach mike leach while seen as entertaining by some has developed quite a reputation for being an a-hole similarly the bartenders at obannons arent known for being the most polite group a&m 48 msu 24 alabama (kyle field oct 9) – the dixie chicken: the most iconic team in college football has to be the most iconic bar on northgate both alabama and the chicken have been the best of the best since your parents were in college and both will still continue to be long after all of us have graduated of course both have their detractors your edgy friend who thinks that the chicken is overrated is no different from your friend that thinks alabama is overrated just because they play an easy out of conference schedule most years a&m 35 alabama 31 missouri (faurot field oct 16) – hurricane harrys: yes i realize that harrys is not really on northgate but bear with me think back to your freshman year when going out meant putting on your boots and jeans and walking a mile from your dorm to go dance at harrys because you were still a teenager well texas a&ms freshman year was playing in the big 12 and one of the last remaining relics of that era is getting to play missouri a&m 45 missouri 17 south carolina (kyle field oct 23) – el jefe: going to el jefe is never someones first instinct at northgate but once you get there and realize drinks are two dollars you understand why it was a good decision when the sec decided to force a rivalry between texas a&m and south carolina it didnt make a lot of sense but the aggies are proud to play for the bonham trophy now that it is a guaranteed win on the schedule every year a&m 51 scar 17 auburn (kyle field nov 6) – mama sake: playing auburn sounds like a lot of fun on paper it is usually a ranked matchup with a&m favored and almost guaranteed to be the 3 pm cbs game featuring nfl talent on both sides then reality hits if it is a close game and texas a&m wins you feel sick to your stomach the whole time and ultimately leave feeling like neither team deserved to win if texas a&m loses it is in slow excruciating fashion that leaves you feeling miserable for two hours mame sake also sounds like a good time on paper do a couple sake bombs share a couple laughs and leave happier than you came in the reality of the situation is that your friend will talk you into doing one too many shots and you will end up throwing up in a public bathroom a&m 31 auburn 27 ole miss ( oxford nov 13) – shiner park: the clientele at shiner is at least 70% cowboy dudes wearing trucker hats standing against a wall waiting to find a girl to take home for the night similarly ole miss coach lane kiffin has gained a lustful reputation over the years after allegedly posing as a college student named joey freshwater to pick up girls at fau a&m 48 ole miss 31 prairie view a&m (kyle field nov 20) – the beers your underage friend is chugging in the public bathroom stall: chugging beers in a public bathroom isnt quite the same thing as drinking in an actual bar just as beating prairie view a&m is not quite the same as getting a major division one win a&m 56 pv 6 lsu (death valley nov 27) – foundies: we all remember the one good time we went to foundies so fondly that its easy to forget all the mediocre experiences weve had there similarly lsu football is held in the same regard as other powerhouses like alabama ohio state and clemson despite the fact that outside of their two championship seasons (which were very impressive accomplishments) they have been fairly mediocre a&m 38 lsu 24 sec championship game – the bar on the top floor of rudder tower: we have all had the annual conversation with a friend where we talk about how cool it would be to go up to the university club and have a drink at the bar we would get all dressed up suit tie the whole nine yards and pretend that we were successful aggie alumni similarly every year we have another conversation about how this is our year and the team is finally going to win our division and go to the sec championship game deep down though we know that both of these are dreams and both have about the same likelihood of happening a&m 27 uga 21 – kushing library
this past week the philanthropic student organization anarchoprimtivist aggies was revealed to be a front for a guerrilla-style crop planting group seeking to put the agriculture back in a&m the discovery was made after corn shoots began sprouting in the north end of kyle field sources familiar with the group have indicated that they are a splinter cell of aggie bonfire and are comprised of those who found themselves morally unable to watch the replacement of the once-prideful agricultural land with bermuda grass and azalea bushes the following statement was discovered nailed to a non-native tree along military walk: for too long so-called aggies have overlooked the plight of the ecosystem and the farmer alike all around us in this now biologically uniform and unnatural portion of the once fertile brazos valley man tramples upon the native grasses beneath his feet and destroys once proud farm land in the name of what a new set of townhomes perhaps a new driving range for the golf course no more will the 12th man sit idly by and allow agriculture and the environment alike to be subjugated by the will of university leadership we will take to the sports fields and take to the green spaces we will till until every trace of corporate grass is stripped from our citadel of agriculture we will sow a bounty of biodiverse plants rich in beauty and utility alike ensuring a future of agricultural independence for our proud university following the discovery of the corn shoots an investigation was launched into other agriculturally detestable areas of campus including the texas a&m golf course simpson drill field and spence park all locations possessed some degree of native crop presence in various stages of growth suggesting that the guerrilla group has been active and avoidant of detection since the last harvest season at press time the university police department had yet to identify any suspects cte-walk and flash it back ags
this past wednesday the texas a&m panhellenic council announced a question that was added to their applications for the recent fall recruitment season: which vaccine did the applicant receive obviously we want to make sure all our potential new members are vaccinated so we thought asking which vaccine they got could be fun president kelsey boca said but instead of using it as an icebreaker we realized we could use it as like a screening tool too director of recruitment madison chargois has since claimed credit for the original idea i was with some of my delta phi sisters and we started talking about vaccines chargois said i was so horrified to learn this one girl in delta phi got the johnson & johnson vaccine i mean how am i supposed to feel safe around her i dont even care if the vaccine works just as well as moderna and pfizer everyone knows its basically the great value version what does it say about her about delta phi current members of all sororities expressed almost unanimous support for the addition of the question i know it might seem classist but its for the best zeta rho sophomore elizabeth carpenter said we cant have girls that got the good vaccines being represented by the girls who just didnt i personally think its a stretch even letting moderna through according to the texas a&m panhellenic executive board the question was be located in the personal information section of the application immediately following the question regarding parental income broken reed arena
the texas a&m foundation recently announced that personalized vanity plates will soon be installed on maroon coats golf carts the marketing move is in response to the rising sentiment within the organization that maroon coats have not received their expected amount of recognition lately the golf carts often used to provide tours for donors and remind other students of their mediocrity will be sporting the flashy new look beginning in fall 2021 not all coats are looking forward to the change derrick berg a veteran member of the organization is concerned that the vanity plates will attract blow-back from his peers my friends already mock me for being too successful and tall berg said they jeer ‘mr perfect at me what new taunts will this encourage the customized plates will incorporate texas a&m university traditions and values with phrases like h0wdy s3lfl3ss s3ervic3 and $$$$$ aggie faceplant
with the recent end of the spring 2021 semester texas a&m university students have had time to reflect on the discouraging results of the last academic term despite their lackluster performance many of these students are still holding out hope that next semester will be better every semester i think that its not possible for another semester to be that bad but it turns out it can rose goldenberg said im currently on a streak of six horrible semesters in a row according to many students registering for classes has been a great way to reframe their mindset about the next semester it allows them to look past their failed tests and missing assignments in their current classes and gives them unwarranted hope that things might be better in the future on top of struggling with school students also attribute their bad semesters to the complete absence of friends and happiness for many they have tried to make attempts at getting involved and finding community but have only been met with rejection from organizations and people even though this semester and every one before it have all successively been the worst semesters of my life in every conceivable aspect one things for sure will duke said next semester will definitely be different midnight smell
in a press conference held last week texas a&m university officials announced their plan to cover the statue of lawrence sullivan sully ross with money the extensive modifications of the statue will begin in june at the close of the spring semester the announcement comes in sharp contrast to chancellor john sharps january decision to place a plaque detailing ross historical narrative at the base of the statue sharps statement was in response to the inconclusive commission of diversity equity and inclusion study implemented by former university president michael k young which implied that the fate of the statue of the former confederate states army general had yet to be decided during the press conference chancellor sharp did not acknowledge the apparent decision change this was always the intended outcome said sharp since january the university has made it clear that the statue would be covered up with money moving the statue was never on the table sully is such an integral part of the spirit values and morals of texas a&m university chancellor sharp continued relocating the statue to cushing would insult the legacy of the non-racist confederate states army general and knightly gentleman who saved this university it would be rejecting our history the project will be funded by the $400 000 originally donated to the matthew gaines society by the university after much deliberation we came to the conclusion that throwing money at sully would better showcase our want to increase equity diversity and inclusion on campus said a spokesman for the commission of diversity equity and inclusion the alterations will see the statue completely covered with bills while still retaining all of its detailing we believe this will not only demonstrate our commitment to inclusion diversity and equity on campus but also demonstrate that we care about our student body and their emotional needs interim university president john junkins said covering-up sully completely with $400 000 is the solution that unites all aggies on such a divisive topic radio reveille
after the advent of breakawayminglecom last fall many students flocked to the site in search of love the new dating service attracted christians from every corner of campus though some users felt a sense of neglect after receiving few matches lonely users expressed concerns in online forums before realizing they were all catholics the mugdown reached out to students both affected and unaffected by this phenomenon and received the following testimonials about their experiences i kept swiping right but never received any matches i knew something had to be up because no young lady could resist both my outward love for god and my stunning looks – jacob bosley catholic and member at st marys i was really trying to find my king who follows my king but the abundance of catholics made it a lot more difficult than expected – abby snearl protestant and attendee at grace southwood i was trying to find a solid catholic man but i had way too many likes from protestant guys to sift through – caroline nugget catholic and occasional attendee at st thomas after hearing how catholics were consistently rejected by protestants and experienced difficulty finding catholic counterparts st marys catholic church announced plans to launch a dating service called catholicsonlycom the website is expected to be fully functioning by may 8th the team behind the project released this statement describing its purpose: catholicsonlycom will be a dating service for young catholics to find and meet other eligible young catholics through our intelligent algorithm finding a godly match within the right denomination will be easier than ever without the rejection from those other sinners this new site is expected to cause an increase in engagements after launch book of reveillations
following a cancellation-heavy year some students have found ways to adapt to the loss of summer plans in the form of virtual internships or development programs during their break however many students have yet to find anything productive to do with their summer while there are many opportunities available as businesses open shadowing positions and begin to take on interns some students have wasted two whole summers without even bothering to try and find a worthwhile activity to boost their resumes while some may suggest that this is because said students are lazy or unqualified these students place the blame once again on the pandemic unfortunately i was unable to secure an internship this summer due to the continued roadblocks associated with the covid-19 pandemic but of course i understand that safety comes first said junior finance major douglass atkins who has reportedly been seen partying all year and refusing to wear a mask on campus it just sucks that this is the second summer in a row i havent been able to do much because of the pandemic as the summer inches closer an increasing number of students are struggling to explain to their families why they have no professional summer plans yet luckily covid-19 remains the go-to excuse for students who will not be doing anything productive in the months between semesters hannibal lechner
for the past semester international studies major and self-described perfect student jamie coates has been taking ints 251 contemporary issues in the middle east recent reports indicate that coates is on track to earn a c in the course which she says she will receive because she cannot understand her professors accent how am i supposed to understand the course material when my professors barely speak english coates said her thick turkish accent makes it impossible to follow along with lectures when asked about the value of international professors bringing diverse perspectives to the classroom coates said i just dont think i should be expected to learn in a setting where the people around me speak a different language as an international studies major i need to actually understand my classes so that im prepared to enter the increasingly global world while many students complain of teachers with thick accents requiring a little more effort to pay attention to in classes it is international studies majors like coates who must suffer the weight of international professors bringing diversity into college classrooms hannibal lechner
recent reports indicate that sophomore wilber krumholtz has been absolutely obliterating himself every weekend since the beginning of the spring semester faced with the bleak prospect of a sober two months at home with his family krumholtz is preparing himself by doubling down on what he refers to as his party lifestyle i can survive the two months krumholtz said i just have to get it all out of my system first while sources remain unclear on what exactly it is it is unlikely that krumholtz was referring to the copious amounts of alcohol and other drugs he had ingested in the last 48 hours at press time krumholtzs apartment bore the marks of a pre-break binge his roommates had all gone home to their respective families leaving krumholtz alone in a blighted wasteland of beer cans and empty puff bars clinging to the final scraps of life this semester has to offer while battling his parents pleas for him to come home krumholtz continued telling his parents he cant leave his apartment looking like this and its not that im unhappy with my life either krumholtz said unprompted i can stop anytime i want walton texas ranger
upon learning about the effects of the oil industry on the environment junior petroleum engineering major austin till decided to compensate for his future careers environmental impact by making a few changes to his lifestyle starting with ordering a metal straw till decided his career path in high school by googling engineering salaries after talking to his buddy whose dad has property with oil on it till knew it was the career and lifestyle for him however the most recent oil downturn and his subsequently freed-up summer gave him some time for reflection inspired by a youtube video about climate change till decided he needed to change something after a heart-to-heart with his roommates they decided to start using the existing college station trash services instead of burning garbage in their backyard fire pit till also did a #trashtag by picking up all the natural light cans from his own front yard in addition till has started using his metal straw about 50% of the time when eating out i think its really important that we each do our part till said before heading to pete 355 drilling engineering to learn about offshore drilling till also said he feels optimistic that he has already offset his carbon footprint till is looking forward to his internship this summer at an upstream oil and gas company where he hopes to gain experience with drilling rig operations century tree hugger & anime sciences
after a summer of virtual fish camp sessions junior chair nathan rupert had applied to be on staff after agreeing with himself that he would drop camp so quickly if fish camp remained virtual in the summer of 2021 with coronavirus cases in brazos county showing no sign of slowing rupert has been faced with the realization that director staff may be forced to move fish camp online for the second year in a row refusing to give up his sense of power over his counselors rupert organized a blood ritual in the hopes of preventing director staff from making the logical decision i just had no other option rupert said after cutting out a jet black foam fish and placing it in front of me i used the pvc pipe from the man stick i made my first year to scratch my skin until drops of blood began spilling down onto my foam fish craft witnesses reported seeing ice berry blue flowing from cracks in the walls and the ceiling following the completion of the ritual closing time by semisonic began to emanate from the blood-soaked foam fish rupert was last seen crawling from the ritual room and telling witnesses that in-person fish camp was saved glue percenter
earlier this morning mira sheehan bought a 12 ounce almond joy iced latte from a local college station coffee shop sheehan a junior nutrition major clarified her bold financial decision its been a rough week i dont think i did well on my biochemistry exam but i dont think i failed either i just needed a small pick-me-up sheehan has been facing several difficulties with her classes and her personal life between the crushing weight of being alive the job market and graduating with a high gpa ive been going through a lot sheehan said i know im not doing badly in terms of my grades and my life but sometimes the stress really gets to me and i think about dropping out at first sheehan was unsure if she possessed the financial fortitude to afford the $500 coffee because she got guacamole on her chipotle burrito the night before dr janine fulmer sheehans therapist supported sheehans decision to treat herself to the bourgeois indulgence with all that is going on in miras life i support her actions to create small things to enjoy and look forward to sheehan reportedly savored her iced coffee while reading a book she had been meaning to read my moms worried that spending money on iced coffee will ruin me financially sheehan said but when youre staring at tens of thousands of dollars in student loans sometimes that coffee is the only thing keeping me from dropping out and becoming a stripper she then considered creating another small moment of joy by getting sushi for dinner panic! at the flagroom
weeks after announcing plans for the new business education complex a multimillion dollar expansion of the wehner building texas a&m university officials are reportedly considering creating a multilevel marketing (mlm) graduate program under the mays business school according to the office for academic innovation the program would welcome its first class of self-starters and motivated individuals when the expansion of mays business school is completed in 2024 for many students the development of the mlm graduate program is a long time coming students have long noticed the presence of mlm companies and their recruiting tactics especially during times of economic distress we have already given many companies within the industry unbridled access to hireaggies our career fairs and tables in buildings lobbies across campus said cindy enderwind a representative for the office of academic innovation we view this as an opportunity for interested students to get in on the ground floor the university plans to use the existing model of the professional program of accounting commonly referred to as ppa for the new graduate program prospective students would stay for an additional year after obtaining their undergraduate degree while participating in a co-op to prepare them to work 120 hours per week for little financial compensation the university believes the success the ppa program has seen over the years could translate to the mlm program and will cultivate an environment where born leaders can be their own boss while a final decision regarding the potential program is expected in the coming weeks enderwind believes that any critics of the program have little to worry about some will be skeptical but thats because they just dont get it enderwind said all i can say to anyone nervous is its going to happen with or without you 40 & tow
following recent rain storms the office of the commandant was reportedly flooded with complaints from rain-soaked cadets to address these complaints the corps of cadets has released an alternate rainy day uniform option we often try to further the suffering of cadets in the interest of character building said general ramirez commandant of the corps however we have found that consistently subjecting cadets to spending hours in wet socks is decreasing morale as a result the corps has rolled out a new rainy day uniform complete with khaki sandals and a poncho the corps designed these new uniforms with their members comfort in mind the sandals are a game-changer when it comes to walking through the campus puddles sophomore cadet ryan dagner said just think of how much better we look when not confined to those ugly black shoes reports indicate a new group of chaco chasers has emerged in full support of the uniform changes seniors will also have the option to trade in their boots for a pair of tall brown rain boots although similar in appearance the rubber insulation will keep cadets feet dry while allowing them to continue showing off their externalized superiority complete with the full decorations of their everyday uniforms these options add an extra layer of khaki to make sure that rain or shine everyone can tell that each cadet is a member of the largest oldest and most visible student organization at texas a&m university hannibal lechner
in a sit-down interview with the mugdown reveille ix and her team revealed that the queen of texas a&m university will be returning for another year this revelation comes as a surprise to many who were ready to see the reign of reveille x a younger and more culturally sensitive canine after bingeing all four seasons of the crown during the snowstorm reveille ix realized that the only thing that should come between her and her crown is death this university must be out of its mind to think it can just replace me with a younger skinnier and more well-spoken dog reveille ix said texas a&m administrators are reportedly bewildered this will be a crucial test of dr kathy banks career as president of the university as her entire legacy will hinge on the handling of this situation reveille ix was an important part of this schools history the key part of that statement being the word ‘was her time is up! said a spokesperson for banks students are conflicted on the issue as well according to data from local nonprofit maroon dogs against ageism 90% of students believe that it is in the schools best interest to bring reveille ix back for another term other students have spread the photo of reveille ixs famous biting scene declaring her to be a danger to herself and others while demanding the school continue the succession in a closing remark in her interview reveille ix looked directly at the camera and said i gave this school my best years and this is how it chooses to repay me i was here before you all and i will be here after whether aimed as a threat to the administration or to her successor reveille x time will tell if reveille ixs new attitude will be the paw that finally breaks the administrations back hullabaloo neglect neglect
in response to recent criticism of the organization internationally-renowned drag queen and television host rupaul andre charles has stepped in as the new regional director of brazos valley young life this announcement came shortly after a campaign exposing faults within young life spread on social media the instagram campaign do better young life highlights the pains yl has caused many members of the lgbtq+ community involved in the organization young life its leaders have been accused of excluding anyone a southern mother may describe as a friend of ellen or light in his loafers after discovering the do better young life page americas favorite drag queen halted production on season 14 of rupauls drag race and moved to the brazos valley to begin his reign as the new young life director as a lifelong advocate for kids and young adults in the lgbtq+ community i knew i couldnt just sit around and do nothing rupaul said they need a serious change and who better than me to help the most commercially successful drag queen has already come up with some ideas on how to shake up the archaic stigma of young life starting with the office upon his arrival rupaul immediately fired the current secretary and hired slightly less famous drag queens and former drag race contestants trixie and katya from the trixie and katya show the once dreary yl office located next to the tailor shop on holleman drive is now unrecognizable with its pink walls mannequins and a long runway that extends into the parking lot response from young life leaders has been mixed i mean im glad there is some sign of progress but this seems kind of drastic said sariah elmore texas a&m senior and young life leader all we wanted was a diversity training and ideas on how to be more inclusive and now im having to come in on a sunday to sew a dress from scratch and walk in six-inch heels haudi arabia & magnum opas
with formal season in full swing a new texas a&m university organization is experiencing its first business boom founded last fall by a group of students semi sitters is dedicated to providing care for abandoned formal and semi-formal dates its aim is to mitigate the obligation students have to entertain their vague acquaintances at events which in turn frees them to have fun with their real friends kappa pi delta sister kelsey achola is one of the organizations many supporters its incredible achola said im so relieved i dont have to make sure my date who wont know anyone at my formal is having a good time now i can just dance with my girls! semi sitters is getting rave reviews semi sitters president casey gallant said i knew it was a good idea after witnessing my first semi i would always see dates alone just playing on their phones after whoever they came with had gotten all the necessary instagram pictures now they have somewhere to go the amenities provided by semi sitters include a portable air-conditioned building equipped with televisions gaming systems and plenty of phone chargers the facility also includes a quiet room where dates can study for finals im glad semi sitters thought of people like me said trevor atkins a junior chemical engineering major now i dont feel bad about not studying for my o-chem final tomorrow just to be my tinder matchs arm candy i can do both! for pricing and availability call semi sitters at 919-555-1212 broken reed arena
in a recent statement texas a&m university announced plans to administer placement exams to all students to re-evaluate and confirm their academic standing within each of their classes this decision follows the discovery that exam and quiz scores in stem core classes went up an average of 82% in the span of the virtual academic year arousing suspicion of academic dishonesty amongst campus officials when questioned about their personal and academic growth many students claim that the virtual format allowed professors to spend more time improving their teaching skills i really took it upon myself to examine and refine my study habits during this last year said sophomore biomedical sciences major georgina jeffreys as she peeled notes off of the wall behind her monitor i had to q-drop my phys 201 class last year because my grades were so low but i just took my third midterm in the course and i got a 95 while the vaccine rollout may be signaling the light at the end of the pandemic tunnel a new wave of anxiety is taking students as courses are offered 100% in-person next semester i dont know how professors can expect us to transition from taking exams on zoom to taking exams in a monitored in person setting without tanking our gpa said junior nuclear engineering major steven bloomberg if i am being completely honest most of us have lost our ability to study properly assignments and exams arent actually serious when they are virtual campus officials say that a placement exam would confirm a students ability to move forward in their major to upper-level courses if a student fails to meet the requirements for an upper-level course or their placement exam scores do not correlate with their course grades they will be dealt with accordingly bims and snap
following an announcement from the office of the commandant the corps of cadets has revealed plans to host a pro day event for bootchasers looking to be drafted into the professional league eligible young women will be combine-tested on kyle field in front of recruiters from the army air force navy and marines minor league scouts from senior military academies will also be in attendance to recruit those not selected for the professional league during check-in recruits will be evaluated for organizational involvement corps outfit affiliation and past association with active and graduated cadets in past recruiting seasons preference has been shown to those involved in womens organizations and top-tier sororities with free agents occasionally breaking into the top draft picks similar preference can be seen for bootchasers coming from the squadron 17 training program and from most navy/marine corps outfits the majority of those drafted by minor league senior military academies in past years were associated with the band a full list of combine events published by the corps of cadets can be viewed below event description how it translates in the field corps lingo recruits will be presented with corps lingo and timed on their responses failure to respond results in immediate disqualification the jargon used within the corps of cadets is similar to that used in the military making it a good indicator of how a recruit will fare during conversation related to day-to-day activities within their chosen branch buddy chow recruits will be seated in the middle of a simulated buddy chow at the dixie chicken performance will be graded based on ability to hold a conversation with buddies and other bootchasers present similar to corps lingo this event serves as a good indicator of the recruits ability to make their service member look good in front of their friends it also tests a recruits ability to get along well with other service member companions based on one shared characteristic dodging fish recruits will start in a 3-point stance and move in 5-yard bursts around fish volunteers from each band outfit while being timed this event simulates dodging enlisted members when pursuing officers and serves as a fantastic opportunity for elite bootchasers to set themselves apart in front of recruiters for the marine corps march-in id recruits will be evaluated on their ability to identify a single cadet from a rank of 8 by 5 cadets marching into kyle field march-in is similar to the outfit formations formed at graduation from basic training and officer candidacy school outstanding performance in this event translates well to performance at professional drills and ceremonies class uniform id recruits will be presented with identifying elements of each uniform class a through c and must correctly identify the class year to which it belongs incorrect identification results in immediate disqualification class year identifiers on corps of cadets uniforms serve as a precursor to rank identification on the professional scale outstanding performance in this event will establish recruit ability to identify enlisted nco and officer ranks in a timely manner bootchaser pro day is projected to take place following final review and the final draft order will be posted on cms following the event flash it back ags and soiled science
texas a&m university is making national headlines after announcing a summer course on how to interact with other people as life begins to return to normal after the pandemic the course relearning what it means to be human is listed as psyc 108 in the 2021-2022 course catalog the course has already reached in-person capacity but the university is considering creating a free online course companion for students who werent lucky enough to snag a seat the course follows in the footsteps of other smash hits such as yale universitys the science of well-being which teaches its students how to live happier and more fulfilling lives texas a&ms relearning what it means to be human hopes to reacclimate students to their pre-pandemic social lives by undoing the psychological damage of being stuck in an endless time loop of solitude since march 2020 for the past year ive just been telling people about how terrible my life is every time they ask me how my day is i know that no one actually cares but i cant seem to stop myself sophomore davis york said how have i gotten so bad at small talk personally i want to learn how to do a convincing fake laugh again senior amanda glaston said i havent had to pretend that a very dull conversation was actually funny in over a year a cashier made a bland joke to me last week and i couldnt even pretend demand for this class and others like it has spiked following the wave of vaccinations across brazos county and the prospect of fully in-person classes for the fall 2021 semester psyc 108 claims to reinstill two decades worth of learned social skills in its students but for many of its students that is still not much to work with ring chunks
in an official statement released last week dean of liberal arts pamela matthews confirmed that simlish the official language of the online game the sims will be added to the available language majors offered at texas a&m university due to the cultural impact of the video game franchise the college of liberal arts made the reportedly unanimous decision expanding choices for students looking to learn a language and supporting a widely-known yet underrepresented group after seeing that texas a&m didnt offer any courses in american sign language i was disappointed said incoming freshman cori lawrence but once i saw that i could take simlish i knew this was the school for me texas a&m university offers a diverse set of courses such as texas bbq (ansc 117) and understanding wine (hort 420) which allow students to expand their knowledge in these areas and connect with one another already simlish has caught the attention of many students the simlish major will also include courses that explore the cultural aspects of the sims some courses that will be offered this fall are sims 101 (foundations of simlish) sims 203 (advanced simlish grammar) sims 343 (gender roles in the sims) and sims 485 (directed studies) sharts and rec
as student organizations pursue normalcy in a pandemic-era college world many organizations understand the pr risk associated with being documented at events without masks sophomore marketing major ryan haywood has capitalized on the opportunity to make some quick cash by providing his unique service of photoshopping masks into organization photos haywood was inspired after seeing his flo face disciplinary action from student activities for posting maskless big event pictures on their official instagram account he reportedly wanted to put his graphic design minor to use and prevent organizations from going through the same disciplinary processes while enabling them to still have a strong social media presence the business totally real masks was launched in march and quickly found success as demand for pandemic-friendly content increased services range from fish camp reveals formals social events fundraisers and more additionally he offers full semester event packages for a discounted rate mask offerings range from surgical n95 gaiters and even custom organization branded masks with extra charges as applicable haywood boasts a 100% success rate with none of his clients being approached by student activities for breaking student organization covid-19 guidelines his clients also have reported a dramatic increase in instagram activity and engagement one anonymous organization praised haywood for the vivid realism stating that the masks look just like the real thing if you or your student organization would like to seek out haywoods editing services you can learn more at totallyrealmaskscom century swingers
after a successful 5-2 vote on the controversial restricted occupancy overlay in april the college station city council is reportedly looking to further its agenda to remove students from college station texas the city council has proposed legislation to move the texas a&m university campus in its entirety to neighboring bryan texas the newest proposed legislation was put forward by brian douglas a civil engineer and city council member who moved to the college station area in 2019 for work he quickly became involved in the community and began to oppose student activity in the legislative sphere when asked about the success about the roo vote douglas said college station is a great town and i quickly fell in love with this community when i first moved here the only thing holding us back from becoming the next major city in texas is the students at this weeks city council meeting douglas laid out his proposal for the campus migration to a new location further north of town in bryan the plan was a comprehensive effort to relocate every structure and landmark to a nearly identically-sized plot of land by 2041 the proposed financing would come from tuition federal grants and additional taxes on agshack 4×4s douglas reportedly even offered to use his civil engineering experience and volunteered to oversee the entire process the put university in bryan enactment was voted on this last friday douglas was not able to garner enough votes to pass with the final vote tallying at 3-4 however another council member jennifer donovan said the vote is a step in the right direction by the next election cycle we should be able to finally remove the college from college station century swingers
last week when asked by a friend what his workout routine consisted of senior and northgate regular tripp burkhalter said lifting and running but primarily mental gymnastics burkhalter has spent the last six months bulking by making up excuses as to why he has been frequenting bars and clubs in the middle of a pandemic since the one-year anniversary of the first lockdown many college students who were once cautious about the virus have now tired of mask mandates and social distancing protocols due to this lack of caution combined with the recent decision by governor greg abbott to lift the mask mandate in texas and increase capacity of all businesses and facilities in the state to 100 percent northgate is essentially back to business as usual despite the criticism of those who choose to go out northgate regulars are holding their ground im just choosing not to live in fear burkhalter said if i dont go out with all my friends on a friday night during our last semester of college then covid wins is that really what you want magnum opas
last month the office of the provost announced that fall 2021 course registration would be delayed until the end of april to allow departments time to adjust class schedules for the return to in-person instruction recent reports indicate that advisors who have largely been working from home this school year have completely lost perspective on the geographic size of texas a&m university forcing students into long commutes between required classes these concerns were first raised when daniel warren a student ambassador from the mechanical engineering department came forward with allegations that rather than taking the time to open google maps his advisors randomly assigned courses to buildings without considering the distance between their departments classes warren claims that this negligence will delay his graduation by a semester as it will be physically impossible for him to make it to class on time im going to be a senior this fall so only one section exists for a lot of my courses warren said i thought my monday commute was going to be bad when i saw there were only 20 minutes between my classes at zachry and the bush school but then i saw tuesdays schedule my first class is in qatar at 8:00 am and then my other class is at 5:15 pm in galveston in response to these concerns interim provost mark h weichold assured students that the university is taking the necessary steps to ensure they will never be forced into unreasonable commutes transportation services will be adding new aggie spirit bus routes this fall weichold said to accommodate these additional services however weve been forced to eliminate all of the college station bus stops that arent used on football game days despite weicholds reassurance students are still widely dissatisfied with the universitys plan for the fall it appears the only party standing to benefit from this scheduling conflict is veoride which recently revealed plans to introduce electric human-carrying quadcopters to campus this august msc alittle
last thursday sophomore brett cogburn logged on to the texas a&m university wi-fi in the memorial student center to pirate the 2016 film suicide squad according to eyewitnesses cogburn entered the msc a $125 million living memorial dedicated to aggies who have made the ultimate sacrifice in service to their nation and sat next to the open grand piano in the historic flag room where he proceeded to bootleg the film sitting in the spiritual center of texas a&m surrounded by his peers and dozens of murals detailing the history of the university cogburn reportedly only looked up from his laptop once when he heard footsteps from a student organization meeting releasing on the floor above and turned his headphones up with a sigh when contacted by the mugdown regarding thursdays events cogburn claimed to have no recollection of anything but the illegally-streamed movie rated a 26% by rotten tomatoes i noticed hed been sitting next to me in the flag room for a while so i asked him to watch my backpack while i went to print something said eyewitness amanda shelly he mumbled something that i took as a yes but when i got back he was still staring at his laptop and my stuff was gone i dont think he ever even looked up halfway through his movie viewing cogburn did temporarily leave to use the restroom downstairs but took his laptop with him he admitted to mugdown reporters to using the movie as a way to ignore unwanted noise like the sound of the vibrant and supportive super smash brothers community gathered at the dedicated msc gaming spaces according to cogburn he effectively drowned out the sound of those aggies celebrating their shared passion on his way to the restroom in addition to everyone upstairs during his time in the memorial student center plaid libs
another semester has flown by which means its time once again to say goodbye to our own graduating senior members just as one anxiously waits for the next bit of our content to reach the public so have these friends of ours been waiting to be made known to the world their time contributing to the mugdown is coming to an end but the legacy and satire they leave behind will live on congratulations to our graduating seniors!
last wednesday texas a&m improv group home improv-ment attended a weekly student senate meeting to observe senators as they debated passing resolutions on behalf of the student body home improv-ments attendance is part of an initiative to develop its members improvisational skills by shadowing other student organizations where much of the work is made up in the moment the senate hopes collaborating with home improv-ment will increase engagement with students that have had little exposure to the governing process or the senators themselves many student interactions with senators are limited to invasive campaigning and soon-to-be-defunct instagram accounts during the week of voting at the end of the meeting the resolutions passed included condemning recent winter weather and support of squirrel population management much to some senators dismay the thank you former president michael young resolution failed to pass while this past meeting marked the conclusion of the 73rd legislative session senators are already looking forward to future grandstanding opportunities when the next session begins this wednesday 40 & tow
according to recent statistics published by the ap beutel health center over 63% of the students that come in for mental health care are from the college of engineering the student engineers council (sec) an exclusive and prodigious organization has pounced on the opportunity to truly represent student concerns surrounding the issue through a newly-created task force the task force has been formed with the goal of discussing the issues for hours in lengthy meetings and allowing council members to add their participation to their already lengthy resumes with many students unable to secure internships for the summer this action certainly benefits the mental health of the task force members outside of this task force the sec has demonstrated its commitment to bettering the mental health of engineering students by organizing various events for the week of april 5th including free fitness classes over zoom and opening a tab for engineering students to obtain a free coffee from a local venue in bryan a one-cup limit was imposed on the free coffee promotion both to serve student health and to preserve the sec budget this singular week of student-centric activities is the culmination of years of planning and funding from student dues the sec hopes that every student particularly its own members can benefit from their insightful leadership do rev mi
last wednesday the national governing council of kappa chi beta delegated the power to disregard legacy status during their recruitment process to local chapters in response to the delegation the texas a&m chapter of kappa chi beta held a conference to debate if they should cease preferential treatment for legacies and allow for more girls from diverse backgrounds to have equal opportunity during formal recruitment or continue to invite clones of their current members into the organization solely due to their mothers affiliation at a chance to increase the cultural racial and socioeconomic diversity of the chapter the members of kappa chi beta came to the conclusion that the legacy rule is the only thing that keeps them affiliated to the organization in the meeting the team of young women decided that without the help of their mothers and grandmothers in the sisterhood their lackluster personalities would not be considered worthy of the chapter therefore the verdict was made that the legacy rule must stay to ensure that the sorority remains the model of picture-perfect homogeneity when asked to comment on the decision recruitment chair britanny sullivan said the dissolution of the legacy rule would mean a lot of paperwork for me and maybe even some thought i couldnt do that this year not with all of my wedding planning to do many of the leaders in attendance to the meeting expressed their want to achieve a higher status of relation with their female family members my mom is my mom but she is also my sister shes my sister-mom sullivan said i think my future husband would like it if i were to be sisters with my daughter too the council will reconvene next year to revisit the debate until then the cycle of legacies continues for kappa chi beta haudi arabia
last fall texas a&m university administration announced the cancellation of spring break with an added day off in march to accommodate students mental health with this semesters lack of a spring break many students are beginning to feel the added pressures of burnout compounded by the difficulties of online learning this burnout effect is running rampant throughout the student body of texas a&m universityparticularly students with no friday classes i havent had friday classes since my first semester of freshman year but i still deserve mental health days as much as my friends that have classes monday through friday said senior marketing major ellie phan this sentiment was echoed by other students with no friday classes students with friday classes were quick to point out that some of their peers are getting a mental health day every week my friend opted out of friday classes so she could work but i havent seen her at work since the semester began said junior biomedical sciences major tariq robbins she brings up how lucky she is to not have friday classes in every conversation it seems clear that the university administration will not budge on the current academic calendar although all students are deserving of a break due to the events of the past year those with no friday classes remain at the forefront of student mental health concerns due to their taxing schedules crygon
on march 27 over 10 000 students at texas a&m university joined together to serve the surrounding bryan/college station community during the big event since the day of studies have shown a 169% increase in student relationships on campus many student organizations in the same social circles typically pair up to volunteer on the day of the event together thanks to the big events special accommodation matching system students are strategically paired with others in their partner organization i thought i knew every member in chi o until now but who wouldve thought that raking leaves would be the start of something new! said brady davis aggie mens club president when asked about his experience with their paired organization centuries member nelson baker said i honestly just wanted to wake up early on a saturday after my late night out and do yard work for a random local resident but i had no idea there would be a cute girl in pi phi mulching in the backyard next to me baker was last seen on military walk holding hands with a girl in matching pi phi shirts students on the leadership team for the big event have also waited the entire year to get past the day of and finally obtain the thing they participated for in the first place a ring by spring there are so many intentional like-minded guys on committee with me this year i was excited to receive my aggie ring soon but ill be getting a second one this semester thanks to my involvement with the big event said committee member haley mitchell as much as it may seem that students volunteer to say thank you to the community this year many lucky couples are instead saying thank you to the big event house boyz ii men
in the q4 earnings call for the department of finance at texas a&m university cfo robert davies announced a record year for net income in a further look at the annual report it was revealed the bulk of those profits was from the increase in annual sales of students souls to the business world for students outside of mays business school this may come as a surprise as many majors follow their own will and dreams after graduating college however with the addition of the strategic initiatives set in place by the finance department around ten years ago finance students have entered into a soul trade with the department in exchange for an internship and later a job chief strategy officer william gerwood explained the context behind the process while we naturally could design a program to help students find jobs their junior or senior years the cfo and i saw a great business opportunity for the department in respect to these impressionable students instead of helping them later on in their college career we could create a trade at the beginning of their sophomore year in exchange for their soul the cfo continued the story stating with the creation of programs like aggies on wall street corporate finance or the trading risk and investments program we lured these kids in their sophomore year and got them to sign their life away for a job in their respective fields then even if they wanted out we had already forward sold their souls to fortune 500 companies you wouldnt believe how much some of these banks and oil companies would pay up for these young warm bodies! after hearing the earnings call a few students also weighed in on the announcement junior finance major richard westings said yeah i vaguely remember signing my life away to aggies on wall street during my sophomore year it was probably one of the worst semesters of my life i didnt even get an internship in new york and i hate investment banking now… but think of my starting salary! senior lauren ellington agreed saying i dont necessarily love getting forced into a job by my department but at least i wont have to sell my soul to consulting like the management majors milidairy walk
following the close of applications decisions are currently underway for the buck weirus spirit award to be considered for this prestigious award interested parties must obnoxiously detail their contributions to the university during their time at texas a&m the award is given to 55 students who demonstrate high involvement throughout campus jenna frederickson 2020 award recipient considers the buck weirus spirit award to be the best award shes ever received being a maroon coat member of a sorority director of my flo and head of big event was all great but buck weirus was the icing on the cake frederickson said its an award just for the sake of getting an award and having people recognize me whats better than that in addition to the recognition of the award winners also get a one-of-a-kind watch that allows them to be identified in public a lot of students were struggling to find a way to casually bring up in conversation that they had won the buck weirus award and we found applications declining said cliff dewberry the designer of the spirit watch we designed the watch so they could always be recognized whether in class at northgate or bouncing from one meeting to the next while the award is given to students who are deemed ultra-involved applicants who display any shred of humility are negatively screened for in the process when asked about this association of former students president porter garner said if youve thought about if its worth it to apply for an award just to get acknowledgement from your friends and a free watch this award isnt for you applications for the buck weirus spirit award are now closed but those who believe they are deserving of the award are encouraged to post on social media about how much theyve done for texas a&m quadbuck naked
texas a&m university has announced the creation of ring by spring day to commemorate newly engaged aggies officials stated that the purpose of the day was to celebrate the time-honored tradition of showing off the next stage in your six-month relationship on your social media nathan laska ring by spring day 2021 coordinator said while texas a&m recognizes that engagements do occur during the fall semester we felt it was time to make this unofficial tradition official ring by spring day will include events that are geared towards generating beautiful moments that can be captured for later validation on instagram twitter and facebook plans include installing new trellis arches at the leech teaching gardens hiring your friends who have nikon dslr cameras to take pictures and weather manipulation to ensure a cloud-free golden hour laska also noted the potential for ring by spring day to be included in the official plans for a new planned campaign 100 by 50 the initiative inspired by the success of 25 by 25 aims to increase undergraduate enrollment to 100 000 students by 2050 in order to increase enrollment at texas a&m we need more students by celebrating aggie engagements we hope to encourage couples to produce more aggies to fuel the 100 by 50 campaign laska said sure young adults struggle to support themselves financially and cant afford to have children in the current economy but we hope that providing social media engagement will help alleviate the problem of decreased birth rates the first ring by spring day is scheduled for april 23 2022 panic! at the flag room
while visiting with his friends from out of state this week junior lennon ruiz reportedly bragged about having seen sister cindy and brother jed plenty of times on campus at texas a&m during his freshman and sophomore year long before they had established their tiktok of over 200 000 followers and counting yeah i saw them before they got big ruiz said they didnt have social media back then you just had to hear about when jedfest was happening through word of mouth ruiz commented on the growing numbers of new fans and followers that have come out to see the duo perform since their rise to internet fame i was literally front row at the academic plaza when she debuted the ‘be a ho no mo speech i bet half of the people crowding around sister cindy today dont even remember that absolute classic according to ruiz the couples growing popularity has since had a damaging effect on their newer content and performances im personally not a fan of their new cheesy meme-based subject matter the ‘wap references theyve been incorporating lately are a total sellout move theyre adopting pop culture for attention and i see right through it ruiz has decided he will forgo attending any future sister cindy and brother jed events he claims that too many of those who show up to see them these days are posers and that it is embarrassing to potentially be associated with people who found out about them through tiktok my enjoyment of them was always ironic anyway said ruiz not like i actually respect or care about these people squat pilgrim
this week political science sophomore cali edwine became the first known person to fail the enneagram test edwine was introduced to the test by her bible study small group after she listed strengths and weaknesses that were not part of enneagram canon during a get-to-know-you exercise when questioned she admitted to the group that she had never taken the test and did not actually know her type or wing the small group had been uneasy with edwines attempt at self-assessment of her personality to be honest it didnt feel very christian of her to claim her own faults and weaknesses without relying on an outside source theres a sort of pride in that i think one of her group members said to fix the situation edwine was encouraged to take the quiz immediately and find her results edwine then started her first attempt at the test with their support feeling a deep lack of self when confronted with the questions she selected neutral for each answer when she tried to access her results at the end edwine discovered that she had actually failed the enneagram test several retakes of the quiz were still unable to determine her type or wing after her failure edwine was encouraged to find a different small group that would be a better fit to accommodate her unique situation despite the setback edwine has remained positive about being able to pass the enneagram someday im going to study and read the entire enneagram book before my next retake i think that with a proper prep course ill be able to succeed next time she said century tree hugger
last friday texas a&m university fraternity theta pi mu announced their new covid-19-related philanthropy the fraternity plans to combat the pandemic by spreading the virus to every single person in a 200 mile radius weve noticed more than ever that our community needs help said charles nash theta pi mu president if we ever want to be able to grope girls and do keg stands without people bitching in our comments on our social media platforms we gotta get rid of this covid-19 thing vaccines are coming but just not fast enough andrew tuckerson said with the recent lift of the mask mandate and businesses opening back up its obvious our government doesnt care about us so we decided to take matters into our own hands and provide everyone with the virus that way if they survive they can eventually develop immunity without having to get the vaccine needles are scary anyway not all members of the fraternity are supportive of the move some think the organizations efforts will be in vain i just think weve probably already given it to everyone we know already junior michael sampson said and most of the student body has probably already gotten and spread it; they dont need our help i mean have you seen northgate lately dates for exposure from the fraternity will be released soon they are expected to be every thursday friday and saturday night at shiner park broken reed arena
in a report released by the texas a&m college of veterinary medicine and biomedical sciences reveille ix has been diagnosed with abandonment issues likely due to having seven caretakers over eight years of life like every rough collie that has passed before her reveille ix has been undergoing exit examinations to assess her vitals sanity and will to live this is something we see in many dogs brought to us off the streets said krysten voelker the representative for the college of veterinary medicine we believe that the repeated turnover between handlers and indistinguishable khaki attire lead to the cognitive dissonance afflicting the first lady it was not apparent that issues plagued the outgoing leader of the corps of cadets until the arrival of her successor last month voelker assumes trauma associated with reveille ixs translocation from ohio at a young age may evoke memories relating to the retirement and abrupt disappearance of her predecessor following her retirement this spring reveille ix will move to stevenson companion animal life-care center where she will be taken care of by another group of random strangers 40 & tow
while discussing their camps potential partnerships earlier today fish camp co-chairs brent malone and stella moors said they support same-sex dg partnerships but do not want their camp to have any while the partnerships might work out with same-sex dg parents i would feel so bad for the freshmen said junior marketing major stella moors could you imagine starting college with two guy dg parents or two girl dg parents i would be okay with it if we didnt have to worry about freshmen but thats the point of these partnerships allowing same-sex dg partnerships is a slippery slope that could lead to freshmen only getting one dg parent said mechanical engineering major brent malone the freshmen deserve a dg mom and dad i dont see why we should give them anything else fish camp was structured to have male-female dg partnerships said one member of fish camps director staff dg partnerships are defined in the fish camp constitution as between a guy and a girl co-chair partnerships can be guy-guy or girl-girl because they are not going to be parents to the freshmen most incoming freshmen dont see any problem with changing the partnerships i dont get the problem a ‘dg partnership is a completely arbitrary definition anyway said freshman communications major casper gaskin i grew up with two dads so i feel like it wouldnt be that out of the ordinary if they insist on being called ‘dg moms and ‘dg dads especially since fish camp prides itself on being progressive one counselor expressed concern with the current system this system just seems so old-fashioned jenn doan said if this is how they deal with same-sex dg partnerships what are they going to do when they have non-binary counselors anime sciences
lack of in-person experience has taken my derealization to the maximum limit ive shattered the glass ceiling of mentally existing outside of my physical self but good god ill be damned if there isnt something oddly beautiful about the subtle flaws of the human form when we take a minute to reconnect with the meat cage we must inhabit here are all the statues on campus that made me perceive the imperfections of the human form and by extension the human experience the war hymn statue no statue on texas a&ms campus possesses the ability to make me consider the variation in the form of the human species like this absolute monstrosity who hurt this artist to the point that he would give each and every one of those poor students elephantiasis-inspired ankles what did the models do to earn in immortal form those toothless though undoubtedly shit-eating grins at the same time though if the university commissioned this statue to represent the 12th man i can find it within myself to look past my own self-imposed and self-perceived imperfections the horses outside of the vet school maybe this is just my inner horse girl but something about this statue incites a yearning within me to shed my societal bonds and run free if only my human legs could gallop if only my shallow lungs could breathe deeply ive decided however that my limits must be my encouragement while i cannot run boundless with the wind in my hair and the ground underneath my feet i can walk carefully into the future controlling my destiny with higher logic and rational decision making petroleum stripper statue wouldnt one perceive a man so muscle-bound to be the pinnacle of the american dream and the epitome of the human form such perfection is fleeting however as the physical body will inevitably fail in the face of the endless march of time faced with this promise of demise i have realized that the answer is not to yield to the promised end but to build mental fortitude that will never fail the human experience is not what our bodies can do but rather where our minds can make up for what our bodies succumb to imperfection a picture of myself as a child on the a&m campus pictures are just statues dedicated to the passage of time when stuck at my parents house over the spring weekend i came across a picture of my 5-year-old self grinning widely at a bygone aggie football game the innocence of youth the resilience of the cartilaginous form of those yet to experience pubescence holy shit that is the human experience the lessons we are fortunate enough to learn when unbound by the imperfections arising through age flash it back ags
looking for a quirky cutie to spice up your love life this spring the mugdown has compiled a comprehensive list of questions you need to ask yourself if you want to get that niche indie aggie to like you: do you study at a coffee shop no you do now sit down dont order a coffee and dont study because youre going to be spending the next 3 hours staring at everyone who walks in what are you wearing right now if it doesnt look like the perfect outfit to gentrify a neighborhood then youre going about it all wrong you gotta think like an indie aggie if you want to catch one so you should at least look the part throw on your best a24 graphic tee and get out there kiddo do you critically review the music choices of your closest friends no this needs to start asap work on the tone of your voice and the inflection when telling them that you stopped listening to that band in high school for practice repeat these phrases in the mirror: youve probably never heard of them and i used to like them before they got big do you own at least one flat brim hat with a shoestring on the front if you havent figured out how to turn cowboy fashion into an indie statement you might as well give up now ask yourself these questions every day and youll have that indie aggies heart by the end of the semester! haudi arabia
1 which do you prefer: laynes or canes a laynes b canes 2 its midnight which drive-thru do you and your girlfriend beth go to a laynes b canes 3 after a crazy night on northgate you wake up in a parking lot extremely hungry and hungover you have 16 missed calls from beth which parking lot is it a laynes b canes 4 youre sobbing in the bathroom after your breakup beth says she doesnt see a future with someone who lacks ambition which fried chicken restaurant chain do you go to for emotional support a laynes b canes 5 youre on death row after 12 years your last appeal is declined you are the last person to receive the death penalty before upcoming legal reform goes into effect beth still doesnt answer your letters whats your last meal request a laynes b canes 6 anyways which one do you prefer again a laynes b canes if you selected a throughout the entire questionnaire congratulations! youre a redass normal student thanks for being a part of our university! if you selected b even once you suck congrats on being a 2%er and a loser why dont you transfer to tu already this is probably why beth left you century tree hugger & anime sciences
weve all heard of the poo with a view on the third floor of the academic building but what about going #1 any aggie can appreciate a good whiz so here are the top ten places on campus to relieve yourself after that painfully long 75-minute class when you just cant hold it any longer 10 the pendulum in the mitchell physics building it may be a moving target but who doesnt like a challenge if youre in mitchell already youre probably working on your projectile motion anyway for extra difficulty aim from one of the higher floors 9 off of the ocean & meteorology building as the tallest building on campus no view can compare to the roof of the ocean and meteorology building someone check the doppler radar theres a chance of rain! 8 the golf club at texas a&m coming in at 8th place and undoubtedly our most environmentally unsustainable piss spot on campus the texas a&m campus golf course also provides you with the most options for where you do your business did you know it takes 580 sprinklers that each require over 1000 gallons per minute to water the campus golf course every little bit counts! 7 hullabaloo hall as the premiere texas a&m residence hall hullabaloo hall allows you to pick up your mail get your starbucks fix and hit the loo without ever leaving the comfort of air-conditioned luxury relax your mind and bladder to the rhythmic sound of freshmen playing ping pong in the distance 6 the quad if its good enough for the queen of aggieland its good enough for you youve probably heard this already but tradition actually dictates that if miss rev pees in her handlers bed he has to pee on the floor 5 rec center olympic pool legend has it that rocking one in a pool spreads blue like van goghs starry night we dont want to spoil it here but we strongly encourage every aggie to spread the love (and warmth) with their more athletic peers down at the rec 4 flag room piano a long time ago one aggie left a note taped to the flag room piano while he was playing it read if i get distracted playing and its past noon let me know so i dont miss my class well at 12:15 george w bush happened to be visiting the a&m and passed through the msc he noticed the aggies note and to notify him of the time dropped his presidential trousers faced the music and gave the original filibuster the student noticed the keys no longer sounded the same realized the time shook the presidents hand and ran to class nowadays students bringing a new meaning to the phrase shake the presidents hand on the flag room piano whether someone leaves a note or not 3 the texas a&m water tower after an exhausting climb chug a gallon of water and wait half an hour its like a giant toilet bowl; the sound is satisfying and lends an air of gravitas dont worry about poisoning the waterhole; the water will get filtered again before anyone drinks it probably 2 blocker carpet it may seem like a waste tinkling somewhere thats been marinating in whiz since the sewage last overflowed it may seem like a drop in a bucket; no real reward no real impact draining the lizard in a packed herpetarium but trust us room 128 (remember the one with your old diff eq section) offers sanctuary like no other `1 sully statue thats praxis baby plaidlibs & anime sciences
this one writes with invisible ink this one tastes funny this one doesnt even write this one bleeds ink all over your hands ouch jerry! are you trying to give me a heart attack you know i have a pacemaker its not funny i shouldnt be getting zapped just so you can get your sick kicks this one smells weird this one makes a loud noise when you take the cap off ring chunks
with pillars like brotherhood service leadership and academic success its no surprise that the fine gentlemen of delta chi sigma have managed to recruit some of the most promising individuals texas a&m has to offer out of 150 members this list ranks the best and brightest brothers of this esteemed organization 1 hunter charleston a triple-super senior hunter has proudly made the deans list for the college of agriculture and life sciences for eight semesters in a row this dude seriously knows his way around texas a&ms social spheres and is like a dad to everyone in the frat since hes only been taking three hours for the past seven semesters hes really been able to focus on developing delta sigs social game and is proud to say that they have finally achieved a 3-star rating on greekrank 2 william odarey you havent fully experienced the exemplification of the saying work hard play harder until youve met william an agribusiness major william does a great job of balancing the frats bar tab expense with their party cover revenue most days he comes straight from his job at the poultry science breeding facility but hes almost done working off his honor council-mandated community service and doesnt always have time to change before chapter meetings 3 jackson swimm a psychology major jackson has a sensitive side thats seldom seen in this chapter ladies love him brothers want to be him and hes single-handedly keeping quizlet in business 4 kenneth moore who doesnt love kenneth the brothers of delta sig dont really know what hes studying or how long hes been here and the office of the registrar says the last kenneth moore graduated in 1983 but this dude is a one-man party as long as hes not hurting the frats gpa hes welcome to stick around for as long as he wants 5 [removed] 6 [removed] flash it back ags
have you ever been taking a stroll through campus when you were suddenly hit with the realization that you are in fact aging toward your inevitable death do you feel like your metabolism is slowing down that wrinkles will creep over your features until you are unrecognizable from your current self or that maybe just maybe you miss the youthful thrill of being carded at specs well if this sounds like you youre in luck! scroll down to find out what this texas a&m senior did to look young again on campus >looking for hot singles in your area click here to check out the kraft cheese section at your local h-e-b senior kaleena kash has just the tip for tricking your peers into thinking youre younger after using this amazing method she received all the attention on campus shed been craving check out this great method supported by science below >want to make money fast click here for seven great invasive studies to participate in for $10 honestly this method is life-changing kash said i have a new hot boyfriend i was given a great on-campus job i was even accepted into organizations i didnt think i qualified for! >cant get into grad school click here to meet new parents who could get you in with just a call so what is this amazing youth revitalizing scientific breakthrough here it is… dont wear your aggie ring on campus! says kash i got into a flo and am constantly getting flagged down by banner holders on campus ive even started feeling excited about going to class again honestly ive never felt more alive better yet no one knows that im graduating in just two months there you have it! after years of searching texas a&m students finally have access to the fountain of youth use this power wisely! the maroon scare
in a true act of selfless service to the university community i have spent my college career perfecting my approach at gumbys during my exhaustive research i identified four key steps to maximizing the likelihood of receiving free pepperoni rolls by following these foolproof methods you too can save $150 and enjoy inevitably feeling sick to your stomach after eating more pepperoni rolls than any human ever should here are four key steps to subtly begging for extra pepperoni rolls in a god-honoring way: step 1: dont be an asshole this ones pretty self-explanatory if you leave a tip and dont act like a jerk chances are that you will reap the sweet doughy rewards of doing the bare minimum step 2: look pathetic thankfully this one comes pretty easily to most of us you should never be looking your best at gumbys if youre jonesing for extra rolls dressing haggardly is a sure-fire way to enhance your chances of gaining the sympathy of gumbys employees step 3: go alone ordering eight pepperoni rolls by yourself is a statement in itself by going alone youre definitely projecting the aura of a customer who most needs the solace of a few extra pepperoni rolls step 4: go often if youre subsisting on pepperoni rolls often enough to be a regular chances are that gumbys staff will take pity on you reap the rewards of your inevitable malnutrition! heldenfalls
here it is folks! after much deliberation the mugdown has curated the definitive list of every major ranked from best to worst industrial distribution electronic systems engineering technology zoology multidisciplinary engineering technology philosophy agricultural science renewable natural resources forestry marine fisheries kinesiology forensic & investigative sciences history supply chain management geographic information science & technology performance studies health womens & gender studies genetics poultry science biochemistry marine biology geology plant & environmental soil science finance spanish food science & technology environmental geosciences agricultural communications & journalism ecological restoration international studies geophysics marketing maritime studies neuroscience public health microbiology modern languages environmental studies political science landscape architecture management oceanography anthropology rangeland ecology & management petroleum engineering spatial sciences biomedical engineering telecommunication media studies molecular and cell biology manufacturing & mechanical engineering technology bioenvironmental sciences electrical engineering communication environmental design wildlife & fisheries sciences materials science and engineering marine transportation industrial engineering architectural engineering civil engineering computer science aerospace engineering ocean engineering visualization biomedical sciences management information systems accounting agribusiness interdisciplinary studies entomology sport management agricultural systems management nursing horticulture university studies applied mathematical sciences urban & regional planning economics community health food systems industry management mechanical engineering biology biological & agricultural engineering statistics coastal environmental science and society agricultural leadership & development marine engineering technology general studies geography psychology turfgrass science agricultural economics human resource development computer engineering marine sciences chemical engineering construction science mathematics classics nutritional sciences english maritime business administration nuclear engineering meteorology chemistry computing technology management animal science recreation park & tourism sciences physics environmental engineering sociology i took a pill in sbisa
within the corps of cadets freshmen or fish are seldom regarded as attractive after extensive research the mugdown has identified nine fish that have overcome the corps-imposed barriers to being hot the following list is a comprehensive grouping of the nine hottest fish in the corps of cadets suckermouth catfish red drum carp charlie the starkist tuna mascot mahi mahi amberjack whatever this is fish smitty from math 141 grouper flash it back ags
last monday big event released information regarding the big event 2021 and how it plans to be covid-friendly we wanted to make sure we can still give back this year despite everything going on said jonathan kennedy big event president after receiving feedback from the bryan-college station community about what they really needed it was clear what we had to do: ask our students to be considerate members of society by wearing masks and not going out every weekend local woman angela kinna 73 was particularly influential in the organizations decision to rethink its service projects i totally get that these kids need to feel good about themselves but id rather weed my own damn garden than expose my entire family to covid kinna said she is among the high-risk population as is her husband im not going to die just because some kids that spent the night swapping drinks at northgate need a resume booster students are split on the decision while some understand where residents are coming from others are struggling to come to terms with what has been asked of them i know its for the best but this is the most selfless thing ive ever been asked to do junior emily golie said coming to terms with the actual tangible and grave consequences of my actions by recognizing that not everyone in my community is a healthy 20-year-old has really changed my perspective i think ill write about it in my medical school application more information regarding logistics is expected to be released in the days leading up to the big event broken reed arena
it is a well-known fact that texas a&m university and the university of texas at austin are tenured rivals and sworn enemies but in a recent study it was found that students and administrators at both schools are more similar than we may think both schools are passionate about athletics excel in academics and downplay and dismiss significant racially problematic traditions before the study each university demonstrated shockingly similar patterns texas a&m students held a march on campus in opposition of the statue of lawrence sullivan ross that older a&m former students greeted with maroon lives matter signs at ut austin students created online petitions to replace the schools alma mater the eyes of texas which originated from a minstrel show these efforts were greeted by donors stating that it was sad that it is offending the blacks the study found that both schools created their respective panels and coalitions to tackle the issues at hand texas a&ms resolution was to surround the statue of lawrence sullivan ross with fences and surveillance cameras equally effective ut austins solution was to announce that fans will not have to sing a song they were never required to sing with over a hundred years of bitter resentment towards one another it is always fascinating to learn how closely tied our two universities are and that no matter how socially charged an issue is money will always prevail at both respected institutions hiss and tell
a study by industrial and organizational (i&o) psychologists has confirmed that engineers are no longer the only student group claiming professional titles before they graduate in an attempt to keep up with the elevated status that engineering majors enjoy when they call themselves engineers departments across the university are now encouraging their students to claim professional titles as soon as they merely step foot into a college classroom it felt a little weird calling myself a nurse at first since i barely know how to take someones blood pressure but i have to admit its growing on me said first-semester nursing student cassie cranse its really nice not to have to wait until i pass the nclex to start my professional practice certain majors have had more difficulty adjusting to the change than others calling myself a meat scientist on northgate just isnt getting results freshman arthur blanton said is it so bad to just call myself a student alternatively students like sophomore psychologist claire gerton have been practicing their craft long before receiving any official permission according to my observations my roommates have a combined total of at least 12 dsm-v diagnoses gerton said the professional title is nice but it doesnt change the validity of my conclusions biomedical sciences majors have been unaffected by the shift as many were already calling themselves doctors heldenfalls
during a conversation at a womens organization social this past week junior chloe borton explicitly stated that she was graduating early not taking a fifth year when asked about her class year borton has reportedly mentioned her status as a super-genius early graduate in every graduation-related conversation since it was determined she would not need to complete coursework in the spring of 2022 i just dont want people to think im you know one of those people borton said im able to graduate early because i worked super hard in my high school ap english language class and i just think i should be able to be proud of that borton went on to say it was completely okay for people to take an extra semester to finish college but that she would not want anyone to get her a hard-working senior by hours confused with those other people at press time borton had updated her instagram biography to read tamu 21/22 in an attempt to curtail any assumptions that she would deign to take a fifth year of coursework flash it back ags
dear the mugdown i am a long-time resident and homeowner in a good college station neighborhood i attended texas a&m in 1978 and moved away for a while eventually moving back to aggieland to take a job with the university but when i moved back there were college students everywhere wrecking my neighborhood next to campus! these college kids are also so entitled these days when we lived in college station our houses were dumps and that was fine because it was the 70s! nowadays these kids want renovated kitchens and dont want to live in the same houses we did theyre tearing down those crappy houses next to mine and building nicer ones increasing everyones property values and bringing in all those new restaurants around here… have you heard about what they do in their free time when i was a student i threw some parties but these kids today are much wilder than i ever was i am certain that age and judgment have not clouded how i remember my past behavior and sure i went to the dixie chicken when i was their age but cant they find their own bar at this point last weekend some sorority or some other weird organization had the nerve to host a 5k through our streets last week i dont care if the money benefits the poor kids in bryan; these students need to keep to themselves and stay out of my way i mean sure my kids benefit from everything the university has to offer but i am sick and tired of looking at twenty-somethings in xl t-shirts buying tallboys at my local corner store dont get me wrong; i am employed by the university myself so one would be hard-pressed to call me prejudiced against the youths still i cannot help but see every bit of litter as their fault every nice park has some drifter with a nose ring and earthy sandals stringing up their hammock and playing a ukulele thankfully i have the police on speed dial for noise complaints i own stock in the towing company and i keep my nose to the ground for anything that even hints of skunk oh and dont get me started about last year when i signed up for the big event i asked for ten strong young men to help pull weeds clean out my shed build a new deck and repaint six of my seven bedrooms they sent this coed group of yuppies that didnt even finish weeding my 5-acre property! when i hear the name college station i think of a quaint village with traditional values not some town with a student population over 50% i think its time we started keeping the college students out of college station sincerely a fed up homeowner milidairy walk & ring chunks
in a shocking turn of events it has been announced that aggie engineering monarchs (aem) and delta pi have won songfest 2021 this year these two underdogs finished ahead of the pack under a unique set of circumstances songfest chi omegas annual philanthropy event is the largest greek philanthropy event on texas a&ms campus due to the strict social distancing and mask policies many of the usual front-runners dropped out of the event i knew as soon as they said masks were required during practices that we were doomed said brodie langum member of mens organization ol brothers not even the wildest of after-parties would be enough to convince half these guys to stand six-feet apart sororities were also quick to drop alongside the mens organizations its not so much a safety thing for us said mabry dressum zeta xi theta president we are just so tired of having to peel the sorority stickers off our car in fear of reporters finding us despite the circumstances aggie engineering monarchs and delta pi are celebrating their hard-earned win were just really excited to get an opportunity to show texas a&m that you dont have to be a top-tier social org to win said gregory sparkman aems songfest chair we owe it all the lovely ladies of delta pi for helping us raise money for a cause that is so important to us i forget the name but its a good one it is unclear how the circumstances of songfest 2021 will affect future competitions perhaps the win by aggie engineering monarchs and delta pi will inspire lesser-known organizations or those that compete in the first act that anything is possible magnum opas and maroon gloat
starting this saturday local coffee shop sweet eugenes is offering a promotion in which every customer will receive a free flashlight with their purchase of any hot or iced beverage the flashlights are intended to help customers locate tables and review their study materials inside the notably dim store we first tried letting customers read by candlelight but that was causing too many fires store manager kurt banton said we think the flashlights will provide the perfect balance between allowing people to see and preserving our eclectic aesthetic early beta testing reports a 15% reduction in eye strain of sweet eugenes late-night customers most promisingly only five customers have found themselves hopelessly trapped in the mona lisa portrait room since flashlights were offered some patrons however are displeased with the changes i choose sweets for all my hinge dates because of the lighting rory larken said now where will i go when i need my face shrouded in shadows for the entirety of my dates heldenfalls
are you a senior scrambling to find employment send this to the recruiter at your dream job and youll have a job secured by monday! dearest and truest recruiter ‘tis been a fortnight since i last heard from you my heart longs for your sweet words and i wish only health upon your being especially during these dark times since our first meeting at the career fair ball my thoughts have been occupied by no one else your endearing presence and the life we could have together tears at the caverns of my heart i ardently wait upon your response my only desire in this life is to be with you to talk to you and to share my dreams with you so that you may remember me and choose me end my suffering! tell me you want me! love your loyal and faithful servant haudi arabia
emerging reports indicate that a new more contagious strain of covid-19 has been detected epidemiologists believe that the new variant originated from the northgate bar district in college station the new strain thrives best in poorly-ventilated conditions namely dark rooms with sticky floors studies show that plexiglass shields are not an effective defense against this virus which aligns with the medical expert consensus since last march it remains unclear when the new strain mutated but scientists believe that it was sometime between sake bombs at mama sake and beers at the dixie chicken another possible time of origin was between the initial march 2020 lockdown and the introduction of a full restaurant menu at logies as for the exact location of origin the initial sample was taken from a collection of straws in a fishbowl at paddock lane the variant appears to target individuals who are making the most of their final semester enjoy wearing masks below their noses and are okay with their actions contributing to the maxed-out capacity of available icu beds in the bryan-college station area i just wish that i had known better you know said paul funk who tested positive for the new variant last friday like i wish someone had told me that partying in small enclosed spaces without wearing a mask was dangerous in order to prevent the spread of covid-19 epidemiologists recommend going to the bar in your home 40 & tow and ring chunks
earlier this semester texas a&m university began phasing in their latest fleet of ride-sharing vehicles: e-scooters these electric-powered scooters are the newest way to make the trek to class a whole lot more convenient and humiliating shaped like a bike that really let itself go these scooters are motorized and require no effort from the rider some days its just too hard to walk all the way from the msc to sbisa said freshman engineering major edgar cooper being able to just hop on an e-scooter has saved me so much time and effort that i can put towards doing more important things when asked what important things he was saving time for cooper could offer no comment because of their relative speed and unwieldy shape the e-scooters also tend to draw attention wherever they go when asked why he continually chooses the e-scooter over a regular bike cooper told us the ladies notice a guy on a scooter fellow engineering student sue coates who witnessed coopers journey said i just cant help but stare at the loser on the scooter it always makes me laugh looking at the people who actually choose to ride those monstrosities with yet another vehicle to crowd sidewalks around campus its never been easier to watch students crashing into various objects as well as one another after speaking with cooper we watched him ride off only to have a head-on collision with another student on a bike the cyclist continued without looking back leaving cooper attempting to salvage both his pride and e-scooter from the middle of academic plaza squat pilgrim and hannibal lechner
across social media platforms birthday girls and boys turning 21 have been posting photos of themselves alone surrounded by alcohol and cake all of these instances are followed by the caption wishing i was out with my friends missing you 😘 it was really sad said jessie andrews roommate to a recent 21-year-old birthday girl she was just drinking on the couch and was clearly down about it but when i offered to go out to northgate with her she refused she said it was a ‘danger to society truly an act of altruism reports of these solo partiers describe them slowly making their way through a six-pack with the occasional shot while they curl up on their sofa watching netflix despite the good intentions of their fellow classmates there are still some who brave northgate in the hopes that the alcohol they consume will provide temporary immunity social distancing has been going on for months now and i just want one night i only turn 21 once and no deadly disease will keep me from getting legally drunk tonight justin sallow said he has also been reported to believe that the pandemic is all just a hoax and just like the flu out of the two types of students the lonesome birthday celebrators are praised for their sacrifice of a good time and celebrated for the intense self-restraint necessary for a night at home weeb king gill
reports indicate that the idiot you saw slobbering into a vial in rudder plaza is actually the first line of defense against the deadly virus known as covid-19 despite the humiliating position he was situated in research shows that he provided a valuable service by getting tested after being exposed to the coronavirus by a roommates girlfriend the dunce traveled to a texas a&m testing site in order to determine if he was infected with the dangerous illness the drooling idiot spent five minutes trying to produce enough spittle to meet the requirements of the testing program an amount that was much more spit than expected after slobbering all over his hands and mask the drooling moron dropped his vial of spit into a bin he walked away wet and humiliated but has proven instrumental in fighting the spread of covid-19 in the bryan-college station community ring chunks
in a time when the job market seems to be shrinking for college graduates some students are taking on minors to make themselves stand out among applicants for many this is a decision made out of necessity in order to gain tangible skills that will help them build a career for junior communications major tiffany smithian however her newly declared minor in business is something she is truly passionate about when i chose my major in communication i knew i was picking a pathway that would help me get a job when i graduated smithian said but business is something im actually passionate about and im so glad texas a&m offers a way to pursue my interests outside of my more practical degree when asked why she didnt choose a major in mays business school at the beginning of her college career smithian went on to explain how impractical it was to only care about your passions instead of thinking practically about the future communication isnt something im necessarily enthusiastic about but im good with words and know that i will be able to use my degree to find a job that supports me and a family in the future many minor programs exist on campus and the six-class program for obtaining a business minor is just one way students can pursue their interests outside of their planned major programs like these allow texas a&m students to pursue their passions and take advantage of the little time they have left before they must join the real world and give up interests like business forever hannibal lechner
junior maya kertz took to instagram yesterday to celebrate successfully raising $1 000 for aggie wonder which supports nearby childrens hospitals kertz who has been fundraising since february by posting increasingly desperate instagram stories reached her goal with a generous $997 donation from her parents michael and ashton kertz the remainder of her goal was contributed by a sole venmo benefactor i am so grateful for the support of the community in reaching my fundraising goal kertz said in her instagram post which featured pictures of her and several visibly-ill children holding balloons everything i do is for the kids kertz sat down with the mugdown to discuss the innovative methods she used for her fundraising campaign she reported that her most successful idea was offering to eat dog food on instagram live in exchange for a $3 donation it was a pretty good use of my money said seth akers the sole donor who also happens to be kertzs ex-boyfriend other fundraising ideas included being pied in the face wearing the same t-shirt for weeks at a time and begging her parents last minute so she could meet her final goal kertzs parents are proud of their daughters heart for charity and are excited to see her future efforts to give back to the community century tree hugger & heldenfalls
in an email sent to the office of the registrar late thursday afternoon freshman meteorology major claire sullins politely requested that her entire freshman year be expunged from school records and that she be granted a do-over this request comes after the latest misfortune in a long line of tragic circumstances to befall the current freshman class following a cold snap that transformed college station into a waterless winter hellscape and a fall semester decimated by covid-19 many freshmen have decided that their first year of college should not count i just feel like part of a decent freshman year at a top-ranked university should include having access to running water said justin latorre a freshman business major aside from that i havent even had an in-person class yet many students in the class of 2024 have echoed this sentiment some have gone so far as to create a changeorg petition calling on the university to delay admissions for the incoming class of 2025 until 2024 has had their day in the sun other freshmen have withdrawn citing intent to enroll in khan academy and earn ap credit from home until the realities of adulthood become less daunting one notable individual chose to walk-on to the football team with the sole intention of red-shirting this coming season citing power outage issues the office of the registrar could not be reached for comment at press time flash it back ags
in an effort to diversify the typical 5 for yell campaign the corps of cadets has announced a partnership with netflixs fab five queer eye members to create promotional content this move comes after the announcement of the five members comprising this election seasons 5 for yell campaign antoni porowski food and wine expert has been tasked with providing 5 for yells official campaign recipe it is common knowledge that antoni advocates that every person should know multiple go-to recipes though the corps dorms do not offer cooking facilities the mugdown staff has learned that antoni was seen walking the 5 for yell crew through a microwavable macaroni and cheese recipe tan france fashion expert is reportedly exasperated by the idea of sprucing up the traditional janitorial garb worn by the yell leaders and is just here to make sure each member of 5 for yell zips up their fly for their official portraits sources say that bobby berk the oft-underrated design expert audibly gasped at the sight of the corps dorms while his typical transformations were deemed inappropriate by the university bobby did come with a plan to remove the typical corps outfit flags that adorn the walls throughout the quad though initially met with backlash bobby urged the 5 for yell team to trust the process and instead hang up tapestries to add a pop of color jonathan van ness the fan-favorite grooming expert had the easiest job of the fab five as the sleek gelled hair of 5 for yell would be here to stay jonathan instead focused his time with the 5 for yell men on teaching them about hygiene and avoiding 3-in-1 products karamo brown culture expert did not even bother to come in person and instead sent one simple message for the men of 5 for yell: if you are going to be a womanizer make sure you are single by election day it is currently unknown how queer eyes involvement in this campaign will affect this years election cycle but history tells us that it would not be wise to bet against 5 for yell regardless of this gimmick crygon
last wednesday traci saenz met with her high school friend and fellow senior jack steinmann for lunch to catch up according to steinmann he will be graduating this spring and is going to graduate school probably after changing his major twice during his undergraduate degree and completing a stint in university studies steinmann spent his last two years as a leadership major since steinmann has not found any good job opportunities he has reportedly decided to apply for graduate schools despite showing no initiative or direction throughout his undergraduate career steinmann plans to pursue a master of arts in political science due to covid-19 many students are changing life plans last minute to avoid entering one of the worst job markets in recent history this phenomenon has left university graduate admissions committees inundated with underprepared applicants looking to defer starting their careers reggie putnam a professor in the college of liberal arts was contacted by steinmann to request a letter of recommendation i was a little surprised to hear from jack especially since he had never come to office hours or emailed me about the course putnam said i usually dont write recommendations for students i dont know well but i could tell he was desperate especially considering he scraped by with a b in my class steinmann previously planned on backpacking around europe the summer after his senior year before starting a job but had to cancel plans due to the pandemic if he fails to be admitted to a graduate school he plans on taking a gap year to live in a hostel in vienna for a year while steinmann currently has no idea how he will pay for a masters degree he is confident that attending graduate school will convince his parents to stop bothering him about a job for at least six months saenz expects steinmann will begrudgingly earn his masters degree from texas a&m university anime sciences and magnum opas
according to recent testimonies by former texas a&m students it appears that couples that have walked under the century tree together are getting their one hundred years whether they want to or not the ritual of walking with another person under the century tree seems to have unnaturally extended the lifetime of the participants while some may not think much of it when walking under the century tree with their sweetheart for the first time one hundred years is a long time i was 21 when i walked under the tree branch with jesper for the first time said elaine milton spouse of jesper milton a texas a&m alum im now 107 everything hurts! do you think i wanted to live long enough to see veganism become a thing this trend isnt exclusive to romantic couples either those who wandered under the so-called friendship branch also report having experienced similar symptoms some couples have tried separating only to find that they were unable to citing an indescribable force pulling them together whenever thoughts of separation started to form this phenomenon has been named century tree syndrome and students are encouraged to thoughtfully consider their partner before walking down that concrete aisle because they may just end up stuck with them weeb king gill
in a typical year a student body president (sbp) candidates racist background is revealed during the february campaign season however morgan wallens use of a racial slur has kickstarted his campaign early for student body president at texas a&m university although he had no previous intent to run wallen has decided to capitalize on the momentum and continue his career as a country singer and politician at texas a&m texas a&m sbp candidates have a history of this kind of thing said maggie jorges a representative from wallens management team it just made sense to throw our name in the hat wallen experienced a drastic increase in sales since the video featuring a racial slur went viral and also expects a surge in votes on election day other candidates on the sbp ballot have also faced some recent backlash due to their history of offensive comments are the racist tweets bad sure a few people on twitter have said so! said sbp candidate owen smithens but our social media presence and campaign volunteer numbers are through the roof like other candidates wallen promises to create a more inclusive and accepting texas a&m campus if elected when it comes to the sully statue controversy wallens campaign team formally declined to comment but followed up with a wink and comment saying i think you know how we feel there maroon gloat
philosophy major violet perkens is newly single as of february 10th and has rediscovered that people other than her ex industrial distribution major landon frost continued to exist this whole time sources close to perkens indicate she has elected to ignore her melancholic feelings about her break-up by using galentines day as the ultimate distraction perkens is excited to spend some time with her closest gal pals but her friends have clarified that they are now used to her absence yeah we really only see violet on the rare occurrence that shes single said jessica meyers violets friend of three years last time we saw her was four months ago its just so nice to get to reconnect with my girls perkens said i havent gotten to hang out with them since ladies night at harrys on october 12th which was coincidentally when i met landon perkens friends alleged that she was only with the group for 30 minutes having left immediately after meeting frost plans for the galentines day festivities include enjoying a charcuterie board chocolates and wine while watching romantic comedies who wouldnt be excited to do the second-best thing this weekend and hang out with your closest girlfriends perkens said to be honest galentines is so much less commercialized than valentines and that just makes it way more pure update feb 12 9:38 am cdt: unfortunately violet perkins had to cancel her galentines plans after reconciling with landon she could not be reached for comment panic! at the flagroom clockwork maroon i took a pill in sbisa
texas a&m university is once again expanding the programs available to students seeking to broaden their horizons and prepare themselves for a future in the workforce a commission of high profile alumni and professors worked together to identify areas of study missing in the current catalog at the university and found that most students were too devoted to their morals and beliefs to act in opposition to them as is often required in their careers to fill this gap officials developed a new cognitive dissonance program which is open to students of all majors after taking the required courses students will receive a certificate that indicates their willingness and ability to completely disregard their personal beliefs in the interests of their future employers bottom lines the interdisciplinary program is said to be most appealing to mays students with many engineers also reporting interest the program also seeks to appeal to public health majors one professor in the program spoke about how his new class will teach the next generation of accountants how to circumvent tax laws for their future employers and do so without feeling guilty the professor went on to express his support for businesses paying their fair share of taxes but said he was committed to teaching the practice of tax evasion nonetheless engineering students seeking the certificate especially those in petroleum engineering can look forward to a better understanding of how to avoid allowing environmentalism and mounting information regarding climate change to cloud their judgement following their completion of certificate courses they can expect to be committed only to pumping as much black gold out of the ground as they can proponents of the program see a bright future for cognitive dissonance at texas a&m saying it will make the aggie ring mean that much more to prospective employers many alumni hope that the cognitive dissonance program will eventually be required for all students claiming that it would make a&m grads the most sought-after candidates for jobs in any field in fact some especially visionary supporters of the project believe cognitive dissonance might even become a core value of texas a&m university – cte-walk
students at texas a&m university have begun to speak out against the planned refurbishment of neighborhoods they happily live in as plans for new construction are unfolded in college station the college station city council voted to move forward with new teardowns and constructions as part of a community beautification project dubbed by critics as the great gentrification i just think this is a perfect example of capitalist greed! said grace faherty just because id never be caught dead inside these rundown houses doesnt mean these properties arent a mainstay of our community they help preserve the natural aesthetic of our town many students feel empathy for those that were affected by these upgrade projects what about the poor people that were kicked out of their homes and communities said ellie smithers in an interview conducted from her newly-constructed brunch backhouse despite the backlash the college station city council has stated that they will move forward with construction plans some of the more fervent opponents have expressed wishes to chain themselves to the housing in question but this is unlikely as the demolition is scheduled for the same time as the grand opening of a new bar in century square pols dancer & maroon gloat
at the request of students and faculty texas a&m university has announced that they will offer a charcuterie making course starting next semester this is not the first food-based class that has proven popular at the university as texas bbq (ansc 117) and viticulture (hort 420) have consistently filled up however this class will be the first to offer an academic environment consisting of cured meats and cheese i cannot wait to enroll in the new charcuterie class! senior philosophy major abby frasier said in a statement to the mugdown all this time ive been wondering how to stack cheese and dried fruit on a wooden board but now i can pay three grand for the class and learn how i could graduate in four years but why would i when i can enroll in this unfortunately the university has announced that the class will have a limited enrollment in order to keep the overhead of the class low but those interested are encouraged to register blinn college is likely to follow suit in order to accommodate for university overflow however students should know that an active social media presence is a prerequisite for the new class as the school has deemed it impossible to construct a charcuterie board without sharing it pols dancer
following a recent update on the gamma kappa maroonlink page sources have confirmed that the sorority has updated their philanthropy to be texas a&m womens soccer awareness the change in philanthropy is largely due to the lack of recognition surrounding the soccer teams 8-2 season this past fall compounded with other unrecognized accomplishments im just so glad we get the opportunity to recognize the teams standard of success said katrina lowell the philanthropy chair for gamma kappa i mean the team has a 20-year streak of ncaa tournament appearances a number 1 ranking within the sec during their third year of being in the conference and they havent posted a losing record since their official elevation to varsity status in 1993 an average home game for the soccer team will have about 2 562 attendees at just over 31% capacity the highest attended non-ncaa championship game in the teams history occurred in 2006 with 8 204 fans arriving to watch texas a&m take on north carolina this is in sharp contrast to the attendance record for the texas a&m football team which usually falls between 96 and 98% capacity for match-ups as minor as louisiana-lafayette or university of texas at san antonio athletic director ross bjork seemed to be on-board with the philanthropic addition you know those girls are pretty good at raising money for those little causes bjork said if they raise enough money and get enough donors interested we may be able to use some of the soccer teams funding to refurbish the football practice field flash it back ags
mabry kieser an unemployed senior marketing major has finally reached the pinnacle of her professional success by reaching 500+ connections on her linkedin account kieser attributes her wunderkind accomplishment to her new profile picture a professional headshot taken by her roommate in their backyard the key is a navy blazer and a middle part kieser said since learning from 23-year-old thought leaders and moguls keiser thinks her revamped page has set her up for networking success she has applied for 58 jobs in the last six months leading to two interviews but no offers theyre actually sending me rejection letters now though kieser said i didnt get those before in addition to reposting an inspirational story from a linkedin blow-hard every day keiser has also used endorsements to boost her profile she recently scored two endorsements for her social media skills one from her sister and one from the mom of the family she used to nanny for despite her previous job hunting setbacks keiser remains optimistic about her career prospects after graduation my 500th connection was some self-employed old guy who also followed me on instagram she said maybe hell hire me! aggie faceplant
last thursday freshman julia bolen shocked the bryan/college station community by revealing she knows how to drive the revelation came at the four-way stop sign on holleman drive when bolen pulled up to the intersection she noticed another driver had gotten there first and stopped to allow him to turn witnesses say neither car honked and no middle fingers were flipped as the drivers continued to their respective destinations ive never seen anything like it said jacob carlsson another driver at the scene it was like watching a miracle you hear about things like this happening in books or on tv or in drivers ed but you never think youll see it in real life since the event others have come forward with testaments to bolens knowledge of basic driving rules i was in the car with her a month ago and she had to change lanes twice on texas avenue said raina hall bolens sorority sister first she turned on her blinker only then did she cross each lane one at a time she even checked her mirrors and over her shoulder to make sure it was safe to do so both upd and cspd have reached out to bolen in hopes of learning how she became the areas first example of a conscientious driver bolen however claims that there is no secret i just drive bolen said i also keep in mind that there are people in the other cars on the road and those people have rights too bolen has plans to spread this wisdom in a series of workshops called other people exist her goal is to reach beyond driving and influence her fellow students to get over their main character syndrome and behave like civilized human beings in all aspects of life information for sign-ups to follow broken reed arena
the mugdown recently went undercover to investigate a local maniac who when asked about his career goals did not just want to help people after receiving anonymous tips about a dangerous member of the community a mugdown investigator adopted a false identity and spent a year entering into the social circles of and gaining the trust of the aforementioned sociopath sophomore business major damian hamm after months of work our investigator was able to ask hamm about his plans for the future our investigator whose identity must remain anonymous for his own safety reported fearing for their life at that moment praying that hamm would undermine the hearsay and simply state that he wasnt sure what he wanted to do yet but just knew he wanted to help people readers we must warn you now to continue with discretion for hamms response is certainly chilling following this question the absolutely deranged man answered just something that will make good money so i can have a comfortable life and support a family i guess shortly thereafter our investigator left his post and went off the grid for several weeks to recuperate from his encounters with hamm who is most certainly a danger to everyone around him if you witness suspicious behavior from hamm or anyone displaying similar radically selfish behavior please immediately report it by calling 1-800-help-ppl tukulele
scandal broke out last semester when an entire 500+ person section of a finc 409 class was accused of committing academic misconduct just days before finals were set to begin the accusation stemmed from a large-scale irregularity with test times and scores on canvas both enrolled and non-enrolled students were blindsided when they learned that the university may consider punishing students that are found to be guilty of violating the honor code i just think its really unfair said emmit lewis a senior economics major and a member of the class how were we supposed to know that we could get in trouble for looking up the test answers on chegg and quizlet the test was open note and open book so is it really that big of a step to use the internet interviews conducted with more members of the class found that most students thought the aggie honor code was more of a metaphor like the wildcat story or the origins of the 12th man i didnt think they expected actual students to adhere to that lewis said who are we jesus christ some students even attempted to turn the tables and blame the professor one student who wished to remain anonymous was quoted as saying look im not saying that cheating is necessarily cool but if professors dont want students to find the answers to their test online then maybe they should come up with new and original exams kushing library
crime alert – theft of overpriced textbook campus crime alerts and timely warnings to the community comply with the federal jeanne clery disclosure of campus security policy and campus crime statistics act (clery act) case 20-0128-0011 on january 28 2020 the texas a&m university police department (upd) received a report of stolen property the item engineering mechanics: statics & dynamics 17th edition was reported to be illegally downloaded from a file-sharing website at approximately 12:30 am from the mosher dormitory the victim dr william bowden reported that this will significantly cut his profit margins from the meen 363 class the textbook is described as available legally from the publisher for a mere $25227 an affordable used option is also offered for just $16270 the full cost version is equivalent to only 4% of the average annual undergraduate student loan amount at texas a&m university prior editions of the textbook can be found for approximately $50 but are not recommended by the meen 363 faculty due to altered homework and assignment numbers anyone having information pertaining to this crime or other incidents is encouraged to contact the texas a&m university police department while a university is required under the clery act to notify the public of such reports it is also our responsibility to provide information regarding protective measures anti-piracy suggestions: try being less poor in order to afford full-price textbooks do not visit websites such as libgenli libgenrs or sci-hubdo do not use google to find textbook pdfs if you observe or have concerns about peers illegally obtaining textbooks report them to police immediately if you observe suspicious activity at on-campus computer labs or libraries report it to the police immediately century tree hugger
students at texas a&m looked forward to winter break and the end of finals just like any other college students this year however they were disappointed to discover that their daily lives were just as boring on december 10th as they were on december 9th nothing changed sophomore michael hadler said i used to look forward to break because it meant that i was able to stay home and play video games all day but ive already been doing that all semester what can this break offer thats new christmas without any social obligations to fulfill and no need to be on campus last semester many found it hard to distinguish between the semester and break those who elected to enjoy the fall semester at home now dont even get to experience the thrill of trying to cram a third of their closet into a suitcase in preparation of visiting their family as they never left them these students hold out hope that this new semester at least will bring the change of pace needed to feel something again weeb king gill
in an official report submitted to the texas a&m department of paranormal occurrences on october 31st 2020 a librarian claimed to have felt the presence of a better game of thrones finale haunting cushing library the television adaptation of george rr martins epic book series died a tragic death back in may 2019 the cause of death was a rushed finale in the report librarian kelly richardson said she heard the whispers of a better finale one that was less lifeless and had realistic actions consistent with the characterization of beloved figures the ghostly whispers told of plans of revenge on the shows creators cushing library is home to the george rr martin collection and houses prized materials from the novels and show richardson claimed that at one point the memorabilia associated with the game of thrones tv adaptation seemed to be shaking with rage at the shows failure to resurrect during quarantine i felt the temperature drop faster than the shows creators rushed the final seasons writing richardson said she was tasked to re-organize george rr martins manuscripts when the incident happened i suppose it makes sense as to why the ghost of the finale is so angry though ‘avatar: the last airbender ended in 2008 but it had a renaissance during the early stages of quarantine i wouldnt be too happy either to suddenly disappear from the pop cultures consciousness to address the problem texas a&m assigned a task force in hopes of relieving cushing library of the ghost of game of thrones past in a press conference detailing the events of the exorcism team officials directly addressed the crowd to encourage students to dial the exorcism hotline when they feel the unwanted presence or haunting of what could have been to contact the hotline dial *5 and scream the complaint into the phone haudi arabia and panic! at the flagroom
for sophomore business honors and marketing student maggie gartner zoom is the best thing that has happened to her google calendar since color coding thanks to the fact that a majority of her social and organizational commitments now take place virtually she is finally able to attend every meeting by joining multiple zoom calls at once when i applied to be on staff for my flo be a fish camp counselor and join a womens org everyone told me i was biting off more than i could chew but this year i can finally manage my time by joining the zooms on different devices gartner said during her business student council meeting yesterday gartner set her phone and laptop up from the same angle so she could also lead her flos subcommittee meeting last week gartner had an especially busy week with three committee meetings and a fundraising workshop all at the same time on wednesday night while she had to get inventive with her angles gartner was able to attend all four events i had to borrow my roommates tablet and my brothers laptop but i was able to make it look like i was paying attention to all of my meetings and i dont think anyone suspected a thing gartner said in the past gartner had to come up with new excuses for missing meetings in order to attend other commitments just as her creative excuses were running out last march she didnt need them anymore i may not be able to pay attention to any of the information i was getting from each zoom call but what really matters is that i dont have to make up excuses for missing meetings anymore gartner said in fact with all my newfound free time im thinking about joining another org hannibal lechner
in a brave display of dedication to his university texas a&m university wide receiver and student michael pearson attended 11:30 am monday/wednesday class it was reported that students in dr anders howardsons pols 207 class were shocked to see pearson in attendance freshman chelsey ingram who posted a blurry shot of him sitting four rows behind her on her snapchat story was reportedly excited to see pearson he just walked right in and sat down in the back row with a single piece of paper and a pen ingram said im so impressed he made it to class after how hard he played last semester! students were reportedly trying to act as casual as possible and refrained from speaking directly to pearson who was put in for a single play during the last game i was just so shocked said junior brian wesley it was really considerate of him to be such a good ag and come to class i wonder what hes studying! pearson who is pursuing a degree in kinesiology had no comments to make as his headphones were in for the entirety of class and he did not converse with any classmates tukulele
in an unexpected start to the semester students enrolled in phys 408 were shocked to find that their professor valiantly honored the preconceived notion of syllabus week consisting of anything but schoolwork during the first scheduled class professor dr marcus blige briefly talked about the syllabus and promptly canceled class for the rest of the week students in the class could not believe the courageous act that the professor just committed jamie weingard a junior physics major was already planning which bar specials she and her friends would attend murmurs of the rarity of this occasion filled the lecture hall as the dismissed students made their way out of the classroom doors in dismay this professors nobility would surely find its way to the end of the year class evaluations the gutsy move by blige was disparaged by others in the physics department; however the faculty member stood firm in his decision to honor syllabus week these students think that this is for them but i just want some extra time to prepare the assignments i have for them blige said if they thought the prerequisite classes were hard then theyre in for a long semester it will take more than a weeks worth of drinks to forget about their performance on my assignments students enrolled in the class reportedly blew off the rest of their classes in celebration of syllabus week longboard of regents
in a press conference given last monday a university spokesperson announced that texas a&m university achieved a 1:1 student-faculty ratio last semester an impressive feat for a university with an enrollment of 71 109 students upon further questioning by members of the press it was revealed that the ratio was calculated by tracking in-person attendance last october for both in-person and hybrid courses fully online courses were excluded from the calculations due to not being real classes this ratio proves that texas a&m is dedicated to providing individual personalized attention to its students no matter the size of our student body the spokesperson said we are so proud of achieving this metric during one of the most challenging times for higher education neither students nor faculty were surprised by the achievement having witnessed the sharp dive in in-person attendance once zoom attendance became a viable option listen im sure my professor has great stage presence and all that but nothing beats half-listening to lecture from the comfort of my bed sophomore rory mccarter said i havent been to campus since the first day it rained last fall when i decided it wasnt worth it anymore as a result of the improved ratio professors have had to adjust their instructional methods to the new more intimate classroom settings its always distressing when i accidentally catch the eye of the one student who bothered to show up in-person do i just keep staring theres no one else to look at said mark erickson an economics professor every day i flip a coin to decide whether to even bother with my simultaneous zoom class or just provide one-on-one tutoring in person while the students on zoom struggle to hear heldenfalls
as recruitment ramps up maroon coats have taken to campus to remind students of their superiority in major buildings across campus 6x6 fatheads of current maroon coat members were hung in hallways and prominent viewing spots in an attempt to intimidate and spark interest each fathead includes a quote from the member it showcases the quote under member brandon carters photo reads see that new building out the window a tour i gave to a donor paid for that maroon coats are excited about our upcoming recruiting process said organization president emma tucker this year we really want to appeal to the underrepresented students that maybe wouldnt think to apply we arent just looking for the international student or the president of an organization; we are also looking for students with an elitist predisposition in previous years maroon coats have utilized unique recruiting techniques two years ago free golf cart rides were offered to simulate what it feels like to receive a tour from an authentic and conversational maroon coat in 2016 students were given the chance to try on an actual maroon coat to feel the weight of an entire university on their back as for this year maroon coats dont have an ideal applicant number they hope to achieve but they are aiming for a rejection rate of 97% maroon gloat
this week sophomore economics major marcus atherton announced he still feels a vague and unplaceable sense of anxiety at 11:59 pm every weeknight despite having finished his last final exam over a month ago atherton stayed at home for the winter break with no actual responsibilities or academic obligations but he hasnt stopped breaking into a cold sweat as midnight approaches he keeps having bad dreams always talking in his sleep about needing to ‘borrow someones chegg real quick said his mother ana atherton i didnt even know what that meant i thought he was looking for drugs atherton claims to still hear alerts from canvas almost every day only to find no notifications on his phone im sure the anxiety will fade away atherton said i usually get used to the schedule of the break a few days before the spring semester starts aggie faceplant
in an act of desperation local college station residents began piling sandbags around the perimeter of the city in hopes of preventing 50 000+ students from returning to the beleaguered community college station has been experiencing a surge in covid-19 cases in the last few weeks with local hospitals reaching 123% icu occupancy on friday january 8th concerned citizens believe the return of students many of whom have been flouting social distancing guidelines over the holidays will be disastrous for the already overwhelmed local health system a&m wont do anything so weve taken things into our hands said resident gary echols pausing to heave a sandbag onto the growing barricade of course we depend on the students to support our economy but that wont mean much when bodies start piling up in mobile morgues texas a&m university is requiring all student workers on-campus residents and system employees to get tested for covid-19 before returning to campus they have issued no such requirement for off-campus residents who were likely the largest contributor to community spread last semester students are however required to complete a covid-19 training online where they must solemnly swear to not be irresponsible lacking guidance from the university students have mixed feelings regarding whether to return or not listen i feel bad but ive got to get away from my parents junior marcy reylon said my roommate and i already got covid at northgate last semester so we probably cant spread it again anyway heldenfalls
yesterday texas a&m student paul romano came forward with the allegation that one of his professors partakes in grade edging a kink in which educational professionals derive pleasure from keeping students on the cusp of the next best grade romano is now asking university administration to re-evaluate the classs grades and terminate the professor jeremy kochley immediately romanos suspicions about kochley arose while taking engl 369 with the professor according to romano his grade sat between an 89 and a 90 throughout the entirety of the semester at first i thought professor kochley had a personal vendetta against me romano said but when i started asking people about their grades in the class group chat a pattern started to appear romano discovered that almost every student in the class was at most half a point away from the next highest grade upon further investigation romano found dozens of similar reports from students from all around the country these reports led him to discover edge-ucation the online forum for professors with this kink these depraved professors get their rocks off by playing god with our grades romano said their favorite part of the semester is when the students come begging them to round it up a fraction of a point romano has turned the evidence over to the dean of liberal arts there is still no word as to how the situation will be handled i took a pill in sbisa
earlier today sophomore business major julia grant decided to skip her introductory accounting final in the name of self-care ive resolved to give the world the best of me instead of whats left of me you know said grant its empowering to recognize when something isnt serving you and walk away the stress of studying for a final in december while trying to manage the holidays at home was taking a toll on her but by simply letting go grant reported she felt a great sense of relief instead of cramming and pulling all-nighters she was now able to spend that time doing what she loves: shopping online and browsing twitter its so important to take time to do what makes your soul happy especially during these times said grant scrolling happily she encourages other students to reevaluate their responsibilities and prioritize their internal peace like she did nobody can make you feel inferior without your consent said grant upon receiving her canvas grade change notification squat pilgrim
finding time in his busy schedule of facilitating freshman alcohol poisoning and harassing students outside of the walton dormitory junior construction science major and student bonfire participant greg moorey made an appearance at replant day 2020 moorey graciously accepted an interview request from mugdown staff to explore his unique perspective after the event moorey appeared to have some misunderstandings about the purpose of the day its just so cool that replant reinvests in bonfire like this moorey said thinking about future generations getting to cut here well itd make anyone emotional were really lucky to have a sister org like this unfortunately aggie replant is still unable to fully match student bonfires efforts that make texas a&m a net deforestation school at the start of the day moorey kept accidentally chopping down the saplings but after the third mistake he was able to persevere successfully past his muscle memory and begin planting moorey proved himself to be a hard worker planting seven trees over the course of the morning i feel really good about myself like ive put some good into the world moorey said unfortunately he could not stay for the afternoon replant day shift as he had to attend a tree cut near bryan it remained unclear to our interviewer whether moorey had planted enough during the morning to offset his afternoon work century tree hugger
since the aggies made it through the weekend without losing to a team we were predicted to beat aggie football fans are getting more and more optimistic for the rest of the season and for possible playoff hopes im hopeful but i know that hope is a dangerous game here said sports management major and self-proclaimed football god richard klement ive been saying this year is our year for so long it kind of became a meme i never thought id actually believe it old ag raymond sisman said he still doubts the team we saw mond protesting 24/7 instead of being at practice sisman said this performance is a giant fluke based on recent history if anyone can beat a good aggie football team its an unranked team with no hopes at the playoffs whatsoever unfortunately thats precisely what the aggies face in the coming weeks with such a daunting schedule looking ahead hope is still alive here in aggieland even though it sure feels uncomfortable unsolicited dunk pic and clockwork maroon
howdy to all my engineering ags out there! as im sure youre all painfully aware its that time of the semester again demonstration dates are drawing near and if youre anything like me then your project still has a long way to go before its ready for show-and-tell now you could begin the slow spiral into madness your despair feeding back in on itself as your failures multiply until the weight of your imperfections buries you alive but why take the slow route the end is inevitable and with only a few weeks left in the semester theres no time to wait for sanity to depart you of its own accord were engineers and we know when its time to take matters into our own hands thats why im going to tell you about a simple and effective method ive found for making sure your project shapes up fast: beseeching the aid of an elder god not an engineer no need to worry! the old ones hear all the desperate cries of man and with just a few small changes to this process you too can bask in their glory for the briefest of instants before all of creation succumbs to their majesty! step 1: find the eldritch horror thats right for you while it might seem straightforward this step is a crucial one gazing into the infinite abyss without any idea of what youre looking for is not only a waste of time but it can also be dangerous! youll need somewhere to start your search for an otherworldly patron and luckily there are plenty of ways to find them the university bookstore usually has a necronomicon or two but even the used version can cost you upwards of $400! if this isnt in your budget theres no need to worry forums like stack overflow are full of solutions to all your ancient evil-related needs! lots of these posts will even include the ritual chants and sacrifices you need to get started! step 2: learn the ritual youve decided which old one youre going to sell your soul to so now you need to learn how to go about summoning them theres a lot more to it than just making a sacrifice and waving your hands around willy-nilly while chanting some latin incantations you know some rituals are very specific about their requirements and each ritual is different you may even find several different rituals all for summoning the same entity! dont let this intimidate you; even though every ritual has its ups and downs the result is mostly going to be the same after all youve already damned your soul just by looking at them and youre going to bring the whole of humanity down with you so no reason to sweat the details! step 3: gather your supplies now that youve found a patron and a ritual to summon them with youll need to gather the necessary supplies to finish the job ritual requirements vary wildly from one incantation to another so its hard to build a comprehensive list of where you can find everything you need there are some items that virtually every ritual has in common and luckily there are some places in town you can get them easily! looking for a sacrifice heldenfels is the perfect place those dissected frogs arent really helping anyone anyway so they may as well contribute to something ritual chalk for protective circles is easy to come by as well ever since the university revoked our freedom of expression most student organizations have had more leftover chalk than they know what to do with remember: even if you cant find a way to ethically get what you need all of humanity is doomed anyway so do what you have to do and consequences be damned! step 4: recruit willing souls most rituals are next to impossible to complete alone so youll need some backup luckily you happen to know a group of desperate lowlifes with goals similar to yours: your capstone team! thats right theyve failed you in every conceivable way so far so why not give them one more opportunity after all the worst-case scenario is the sweet release of madness if youre looking for a smoother ride through your ritual though you may want to search elsewhere a few tips on this topic: be careful where you recruit from willing souls does mean actual souls so youll need to avoid anyone who has already sold theirs like cadets or mays students step 5: usher in the end of days! youve got the contact info you know the ritual and you have all the help and supplies you need now its time to reap your eternal reward! the location of your ritual usually doesnt matter much but it doesnt get more poetic than the conclusion of the age of man taking place at the epicenter of so much of your pain: the zachry building finishing your capstone is a great feeling even if you do have to summon an ancient god from beyond the veil to do it savor it while you can (especially since its the last thing youll do) youve earned it! and thats all there is to it! i hope you find this helpful and if youre struggling with getting your project finished in the last minutes i hope you stumble across this handy guide good luck to everyone and remember: we are not alone and we were not the first they are watching they are waiting hullabaloo balls
following the recent debate over the statue of lawrence sullivan ‘sul ross and its subsequent defacing texas a&m university a school known for its engineering college has resorted to the ingenious solution of erecting a giant haphazard cage to protect the universitys image while taking no definitive stance early saturday morning before the last home football game two people stood before the fence and sighed at the universitys latest decision wayne thompson class of 62 said sully is a part of the grand tradition of this school and should stay that way but if the statue were to be removed it would be better than the pansy nsa-surveilled cage they built its like a zoo enclosure for an inanimate object the cage is nothing but the university waiting us out so we can ‘get over it said sam trevino a political science major and self-proclaimed snowflake until the university finally gets the guts to make a decision we have to walk past this giant fence and these ugly buildings this is worse than when they put the white robes over him! the maga hat wearing old ag and the young liberal walked off in separate directions both knowing deep in their hearts they were correct milidairy walk and clockwork maroon
last thursday senior industrial distribution major lauren klein reported that she experienced her first emotion in over eight months it was a miracle klein said ive spent the past eight months going through the silly little motions of life in an emotional wasteland and i almost didnt recognize it when it happened counseling and psychological services director steven johansson says his team immediately got to work following kleins emotional occurrence hoping to get to the bottom of this phenomenon our reports of students feeling absolutely nothing inside have skyrocketed since march johansson said ms kleins resurgence of emotion is remarkable because it could mean that there is hope for restoring a normal range of emotions for our desolate student body this effort to incite any form of positive emotion in students has been ongoing according to johanssons research only three emotions were previously identified among students before kleins breakthrough: anxiety despair and hopelessness university officials could not immediately tell us what this emerging emotion was reported as however outside sources close to klein reveal that it might even have been a good emotion as she had finally finished knitting a blanket she had started seven months ago during quarantine broken reed arena
the department of education announced major revisions to title ix regulations earlier this year these new revisions include changes that allow title ix offices to conduct more thorough investigations by indefinitely increasing the length of investigations reliving the experience is actually really great for my mental health said student sally parkins whose case has been open for 13 months im so thankful that i get to deal with the guy who raped me for an even longer time through this extended investigation one of the changes to title ix states that complaints no longer need to be resolved within 60 days according to the university this can extend the experience of the traumatic event for more than one to two semesters however students exhausted by the process retain the right to withdraw their complaint at any time during the prolonged proceedings getting to catch up with the guy who sexually assaulted me every week at our orgs meetings is truly the highlight of the week said student kelly smithson once a resolution is finally reached i think i will truly miss my talks with him where i get to remember how scared i was that night this lengthened time allows for a more in-depth investigation to reach a better resolution if an informal resolution isnt pursued then a live hearing may be conducted where the assailant is able to have their own friends cross-examine the victim in a shift from the old regulations victims must submit to live cross-examination from an advisor chosen by the respondent for their statement to be considered respondents are free to select a friend family member or attorney to conduct the adversarial cross-examination in the case of matters such as sexual assault an informal resolution is not allowed and a live hearing must take place i am so thankful my frat brother picked me to cross-examine the girl he got lucky with gamma epsilon tau member chase little said i know my brother and his idea of consent are highly questionable but i believe he might have probably not done it this is great experience for my law school apps midnight smell
following a vote against the student senates request to consider a pass/fail option for this semester faculty senate members have suggested students q-drop depression and anxiety instead citing these factors as the source of academic failure we understand that this virus has caused hardships for everyone but adding a pass/fail option is no cure said faculty senate member christopher carrington if students are really worried about failing they should drop their mental illness the faculty senate announced earlier this month that the q-drop deadline would be extended to november 30 and that any drops would not count against the institutional and state limit this decision came from concerns regarding the pandemics effect on the student body faculty senate member rita ruplestein stated that the process of q-dropping is simple in order to q-drop a student must fill out the form and give it to their advisor upon receipt of the form all emotional trauma and panic-ridden thoughts will be marked off of their transcript we cant enable students with the hope that they might pull through and pass ruplestein said q-dropping is the best way to ensure they do not deal with depression or anxiety for the rest of the semester ruplestein added that students should also consider how some professors would feel if they knew the effort they put into making their courses as draining online as in person was all for naught dead pullout society & crygon
last week jobs for aggies reported a considerable uptick in the number of job applications for student workers with winter break quickly approaching many applicants have cited reluctance to move back to their hometowns again as their primary motivation to get a job before the fall semester began provost carol fierke announced that all in-person instruction would be complete before thanksgiving break so that students could remain home and take final exams remotely many parents rejoiced at the thought of having their children around longer including james and paula felipe whose daughter is a junior we were thrilled to hear that our daughter emily would be able to spend extra time with us mr felipe said we loved having her around all the time for five whole months during the spring and summer it was disappointing to hear that she had decided to get a job that would keep her in college station longer but we are so proud of our daughter for taking the initiative to work emily felipe a junior education major and a new hire at the aggie call center is thankful for her parents support and acceptance honestly the extra money is nice but i just wanted to stay here with my friends longer and i knew they wouldnt let me do that unless i had an excuse felipe said i actually specifically requested that my boss schedule me during the break dont tell my parents i said that though it has been reported that many students are trying to avoid spending too much time with their families i was already stuck there from march to august said jonathan gutierrez a junior accounting major who applied to work at transportation services living with my parents for an extended amount of time again just isnt something im prepared to do yet broken reed arena
with chairperson selections being announced this week many members of fish camp are celebrating reaching the next rung in their ladder of success within the organization none are celebrating more than the members of director staff who ensured the selection of their own camps former counselors to chair positions the announcement of the new class of co-chairs was closely followed by the announcement of a new fish camp value: nepotism fish camp has often relied on choosing leadership based on reputation rather than merit allowing this consideration to be a part of the core values is just a natural next step for the organization celebrating five previous counselors of his being selected as co-chairs head director of fish camp evan merrick said of the new addition were very excited to concretely add this value that fish camp has always held dear when choosing leadership within the organization its a great step forward for us it is honestly a great benefit to us as director staff to have this new core value said fish camps internal relations director kevin cruise who had eight of his former counselors selected to co-chair positions now instead of having to actually evaluate and determine who is deserving of the position and who would run a successful camp i can just choose my former counselors from my previous camp fish camp is often referred to as a freshmans first tradition highlighting nepotism will continue the tradition of freshmen being welcomed into the aggie family by generations of co-chairs selected based on their past camps rather than their goals hiss and tell
texas a&m university is planning for 15 in-person commencement ceremonies to recognize the graduates of the fall 2020 semester in order to accommodate a more profitable event however ceremonies for the college of liberal arts have been rescheduled despite having announced the dates for texas a&m to recognize its graduates weeks ago the university quickly changed course with the realization that a home football game may be played on one of the ceremony dates in order to accommodate a footba- uh scheduling conflict we were required to reschedule some of our ceremonies provost carol a fierke said this is ultimately in our best financial interests this sudden change left students and parents scrambling to rearrange previous preparations like flight bookings hotel bookings and time off from work with little notice of this rescheduling many families will be left without the opportunity to watch their loved one cross the stage at reed arena others will be forced to make costly changes to their plans fortunately liberal arts majors the students affected by the change are by now used to getting the raw end of a deal for a university that thrives on the contributions of its alumni it is unclear how this disregard for soon to be former students will impact future donations and opportunities for texas a&m to make a profit longboard of regents
another semester has flown by which means its time once again to say goodbye to our own graduating senior members just as one anxiously waits for the next bit of our content to reach the public so have these friends of ours been waiting to be made known to the world their time contributing to the mugdown is coming to an end but the legacy and satire they leave behind will live on congratulations to our graduating seniors!
last thursday senior industrial distribution major alexander kauser announced his decision to decommit from his group project for his ethics in leadership and distribution class the announcement came hours after kauser accepted a full-time position in sales engineering he then informed his fellow group members that he would be mentally unavailable during group zoom meetings to focus on researching the most gentrified apartments in east austin to live in after graduation historically seniors who receive job offers before graduation fail to complete an adequate share of group project work when compared with their unemployed counterparts students without employment offers typically compensate for the fact their future is completely unclear by applying themselves to the only thing they can control despite his reluctance to participate in the group project kauser declined to rule out whether or not he would recommit to the group shortly before the project is due while employed seniors like kauser do not necessarily need a high grade their involvement must be sufficient to secure the mediocre evaluation from their peers required to pass the class if i rejoin the group closer to the deadline ill offer to submit our completed project to our professor kauser said after all of the effort they have put into our project doing the little stuff is the least i can do 40 & tow
the mugdown has received reports that alyssa ragsdale a senior in the zeta theta gamma sorority is just going through the motions its just hard you know its already uncommon to be involved as a senior but now we dont even get a bar crawl or chilifest ragsdale said i always told myself i was never going to be one of those girls who totally checks out her senior year but now i kinda get it ragsdale reportedly attends chapter meetings every week on zoom but has failed to attend any virtual sisterhood or philanthropy events after further investigation the mugdown has discovered that this sentiment is widespread throughout all texas a&m sororities with covid-19 restrictions effectively canceling all in-person events seniors may have attended their last official event without even knowing it nevertheless seniors have still held out hope for the small bits of normality that remain within their sorority ragsdale had been looking forward to welcoming a great-grandlittle this fall however her grandlittle did not take a little effectively ending their family lineage magnum opas
senior construction science major jackson telbid recently discovered that his creative arts class is harder than he expected telbid reportedly began checking his grades in the final quarter of the semester and was shocked to see his creative arts class sitting at a letter grade of a c he expected to have at least a b despite putting off lectures and homework assignments for weeks instead of staying caught up with the class material telbid found a much better use of his time by doing literally anything else what was supposed to be an easy blow-off class has quickly become a candidate for a gpa killer creative arts classes are supposed to be a breeze where i can boost my gpa a little bit telbid said how can my professor expect me to watch lectures that are well over an hour long and also do homework i already have to do that for my regular classes this wasnt what i signed up for in the closing weeks of the semester telbid will be tasked with studying for his final and completing a group project it is expected that procrastination will get the best of him yet he will still find a way to complain about the difficulty of a generally simple course it is unsure at this time if telbid will be using a q-drop and begin preparing for a second attempt in the spring longboard of regents
entering his third year at texas a&m university junior political science major harry danielson feels differently about the university than he has in the past in prior years danielson couldnt wait to get down to college station to reunite with his friends spend time on campus and learn from world-class professors now that spark of excitement has gone missing due to the current state of the world things are different at texas a&m university in-person classes are few and far between and opportunities to hang out with friends on campus or off campus have dwindled in every regard according to danielson the value received from being a student at texas a&m has been greatly diminished the cost however has not changed at all i just feel like the university is dead set on milking us dry danielson said i get that this was originally a farm school but i wish the university didnt treat us like livestock to extract value from danielson went on to say that this wasnt how he always felt in his first two years on campus he was happy to pay the tuition because of all the experiences he was able to take part in like sleeping through lectures and looking at his phone in the stands for the entirety of football games now danielson says everything feels like an elaborate ruse by the school to get him to cough up more of his parents hard-earned money zoom lectures just arent the same i feel like i havent learned anything this semester especially when compared to past years going on campus to catch a meal with friends isnt fun anymore because of the social distancing we have to do that same reason has made football pointless can you imagine how i would be crucified for mugging down with my date now only the team scores not the 12th man this pandemic has ruined my college experience and i dont think it will ever be the same again danielle trejo a student who had contracted the virus and wanted to share her negative experiences surrounding covid-19 agreed to comment for this story unfortunately she could not be reached for comment since she is currently in the hospital on a ventilator this sentiment has been echoed throughout the student body this year almost as if the university has been caught red-handed profiting off students amidst the pandemic many students were ambivalent at best about their feelings for the university with one going as far to call president michael k young and chancellor john sharp the robber barons of our time clearly the righteous fervor that held the university together is in danger of becoming the next casualty of the pandemic – cte-walk
last tuesday fish camps director staff unveiled plans to completely restructure the developmental program two (dp2) for the upcoming year instead of the usual introduction activities and skit preparations discussion group partners will be given a private space a dating questionnaire and a bottle of wine in recent years fish camp has been criticized for its lax regulations on dating and hook-ups between counselors before camp between couples costumes titles like dg mom and dad and the implicit need to find your perfect partz counselors are often pressed into romantic relationships despite backlash director staff is making changes to encourage this behavior further we hope that we can provide a more appropriate environment for camp relationships said elsa caudill director of internal relations in previous years weve tried everything to create camp relationships covertly posting partnership reveal pictures often gets families and non-a&m affiliated friends to pressure counselors into relationships making rules for show only keeps faculty off our backs and makes counselor relationships more exciting with a secrecy factor the only thing we havent tried is openly forcing it while counselors might be eager to enter relationships with one another before camp previous studies have shown that a moderate percentage choose to wait until their duties are formally over at after-camp parties (acps) the newest changes target these counselors who are otherwise capable of holding off until a relationship is permissible an internal study was conducted to determine what factors will create the most intimate relationships the fastest this study reported that counselors only needed a few changes to feel more comfortable dating their partner primarily a minimal amount of alcohol and time alone early in the partnership these findings have led to the current form of dp2 where the counselors will be given the 36 questions that lead to love and several uninterrupted hours to talk one member of director staff confirmed that there are plans to hire a full-time couples counselor director staff hopes that these changes will encourage a tighter-knit community among counselors to welcome freshmen to campus anime sciences
corps of cadets commandant joe ramirez announced today that the corps will be offering a happy hour at duncan dining hall starting next thursday this move was made in part to decrease the number of cadets being charged with public intoxication on their way back from thursday night dollar beers instead of risking northgate guardroom shifts i think the obvious plan of action here is just to serve alcohol on the quad ramirez said im not like other commandants at military colleges im the cool commandant i‘d rather them be drinking here where it is safe than out on northgate the new happy hour will have a new theme each week highlighting the history of the corps next month to celebrate the anniversary of women being allowed into the corps the one cool wag from each integrated outfit will be invited the commandant has also said they will celebrate lawrence sullivan rosss birthday happy hour with a viewing of the birth of a nation its a great film and im sure sully wouldve loved it ramirez said rvs will be required to watch in their whites for that weeks happy hour hiss and tell
a recent study conducted by texas a&m counseling & psychological services (caps) delved deep into the texas a&m student psyche to determine what the student body truly fears researchers have determined that despite the high proportion of students that struggle with loneliness an even greater number are afraid of commitment the survey which consisted of multiple-choice questions and short answer responses showed an unlikely level of similarity among the student body a multiple-choice section of the survey delivered some of the most surprising results when asked the following question 90% of students chose d what do you struggle with the most as a college student a) fear of not getting a job after college b) loneliness/isolation c) fear of failure d) when anyone gets close to me i just push them away oh my god ive never felt so alone i joined a student org on campus to make friends but i cant even bring myself to go to the social tonight it just seems like such a big obligation and do i really feel that lonely ill just go to the next one im too busy anyway so i should probably stay at home and maybe get some work done even though i havent actually gone to an org event this semester its just because im busy thats all yeah ill go next time sarah ruberman a psychology department intern hired to conduct the study said to the mugdown i made small talk about halloween coming up with some students in the waiting room before the survey and multiple students told me their planned scary gag costume was just dressing as themselves and calling it ‘loneliness' despite this ruberman said none of them had any actual plans to do anything for halloween thats when i knew we were on to something she said below are some of the most illuminating free responses with names and other identifying content removed for privacy respondent 7759 responding to a question about what prevents them from enjoying college to the fullest: i always had plenty of friends in high school and was always going out and doing fun stuff here at a&m though this hasnt been the case its not like ive become less likable all of a sudden; i just cant bring myself to make plans with my lab group like i see everyone else doing imagining doing anything other than flopping down in bed and letting a cathartic scream out with my face jammed into my pillow after a full day of classes makes me shudder its like im perpetually running on empty the weekends arent any better for this imagine telling people i could go out for mimosas and brunch on sunday only to feel like a husk of a human being when the time comes being lonely sucks but at least im the one running the show this way respondent 1212 responding to a question about what would most likely to keep them up at night: commitment point blank this makes my skin crawl after my last romantic partner left me high and dry after winter break i cant imagine letting myself feel a connection with anyone else all that time together and energy used up responding to drunk texts not to mention money spent going out for chick-fil-a every single night wasted just to wind up doing it again no thanks dont get me wrong when the leaves start to fall off the trees i feel the biological drive to find a partner like everyone else and seasonal depression rearing its ugly head only compounds this but i refuse to fall into the trap of cuffing season ever again the whole thing is probably an elaborate ruse by nestle or something to get me to buy more hot chocolate and fuzzy socks to share with a construction science major whose emotional intelligence is dwarfed by that of my beagles sadly despite seemingly concrete findings the study is left in departmental limbo as researchers moved onto new projects before taking the leap to present their findings to university administration plaid libs and cte-walk
according to a recent faculty-wide survey david monaghan a professor in the department of english actually enjoys teaching to the void while monaghan began the semester by clearly outlining his expectations for all students to turn their cameras on and actively participate in zoom lectures this rule has almost been completely disregarded since midterms when the mugdown spoke to monaghan he explained why the lack of engagement has its upside if my students arent going to participate at least i can get through a 50-minute lecture without getting interrupted or being asked questions that ive already answered multiple times monaghan said julia herzberg senior english major is in monaghans 8 am young adult literature class when asked why she chooses to turn her camera off she cited pressure to conform to what her classmates are doing at the beginning of the semester i would answer dr monaghans questions in class but it got awkward when i was the only one with my camera still on now he just kind of asks the question and answers it a few seconds later herzberg said the survey revealed that many other professors feel the same way as monaghan susan barmore a professor in the department of communication actually prefers students to turn their cameras off during lectures this way i can teach the material without being distracted by half-awake students eating breakfast in bed barmore said it is unclear how professors will adapt to the potential of in-person lectures resuming in the spring magnum opas
this week mugdown reporters sat down with the famous miss rev to learn what its really like to be the queen of aggieland the loveable pup that holds a special place in the hearts of aggies worldwide every day i wake up with the curse of immortality and beg to be released from this mortal coil i have lived countless lives as your pet and countless more before and in that time ive watched everyone ive known and loved grow old and die reveille said is there no reprieve when asked how she came to be the fetching school mascot we all adore miss rev got a distant look in her eye recalling a tale of exploring ancient ruins with friends and stumbling across something that changed her life forever we should never have entered into the temple of the old gods they were long gone but what we found there was even worse i was the sole survivor doomed to walk this earth for eternity with the shame of what id done after over 35 years at texas a&m this unstoppable pooch has run onto the field before football games hundreds of times cheered on by roaring crowds of thousands being a national celebrity does have its perks and reveille is no exception after untold lifetimes now im just a spectacle for the unwashed masses its far better than the unspeakable cruelties i was forced to commit in the colosseum but those horrors still keep me up at night i have seen empires rise and fall so make no mistake i am no mans pet as the official mascot of texas a&m aggielands favorite furry companion can be spotted around campus with her handler and on the sideline at every game so keep a lookout! by all accounts reveille seems to be having the time of her life so it doesnt look like miss revs going anywhere anytime soon plaid libs
texas a&m student alessandra williams realized that she was not a burden to her friends late thursday night after a zoom call williams a senior biochemistry major had been struggling with sharing her feelings of inadequacy and uncertainty regarding her future with her loved ones im in the process of applying for graduate school said williams ive worked hard to build a strong application but sometimes it never feels like ive done enough i dont want to come off as whiny because ive done well but its hard to deal with the anxiety of waiting to hear back from schools during the zoom call it was reported that a friend of williams noticed her stressed expression ian scarborough a junior psychology major asked if she was doing okay and informed her that whatever she was going through he was proud of how far she had come fifteen minutes after the call ended williams received a $500 venmo payment from another friend titled buy yourself a coffee girl! the message was accompanied by three pink sparkling heart emoticons when the mugdown interviewed williams on saturday morning her mood was light things are still hard but i started thinking if i never thought twice about comforting a friend through a break-up or didnt hesitate to go to a friends dorm during the middle of the night to bring some pepto-bismol then why should i think that i burden my friends when i am going through a tough time williams said williams has pledged to give herself the same grace and kindness that she gives to her friends she has yet to hear back from the programs she has applied to but is confident that she will continue to be supported and cherished no matter the outcome panic! at the flagroom
last sunday the lead singer of the famous band the yell leaders released the song rhode island ranch-hand signifying that he was leaving the group to pursue his own solo career the once top-of-the-charts group the yell leaders often shortened to yl was an only male only-corps only-5-for-yell pop boy band formed at texas a&m university the group was composed of the lead singer a white male with short hair the guitarist a white male with short hair but with big muscles the bassist a white male with short but dark hair the back up guitarist a white male with short hair but with an allergy to gluten and the drummer a shorter white male with short hair yls fans ranging from squealing young girls to passionate older men were disheartened to hear the news of the singers choice to leave the band i like rip-offs of flatland cavalry as much as the next guy but seeing a talented young man give up on the groups dreams only to coast off of the bands success and pursue his own career doesnt seem right said carl carpender president of the yl fan club carpender claims he speaks on behalf of many of the bands followers when he says the band will never be the same without its lead singer according to our sources the white male with the short hair and big muscles will likely take up the mantle as the lead which should be easy due to his bad boy charm it is predicted that each member will have varying levels of success depending on their diverse cast type as the pretty white boy big muscle white boy or gluten-free white boy the bandmates will set out on their own paths but it is expected they will ultimately return to judge songfest in 10 years haudi arabia
dear mugdown it has been 73 days since the first random testing date for covid-19 at texas a&m 73 freaking days and i still havent been chosen am i not good enough does a&m not find me worthy of being swabbed how many times must i put myself at risk before a&ms random algorithm finally decides im enough of a danger to merit being selected my best friend max is in the corps and has already been randomly selected three times god forbid i have to join the boys in khaki but i will if it ensures ill finally get an email with those golden words: youve been selected i have never won anything in my life but when the first round of emails came out announcing random testing i could feel something was different: a voice in my head telling me this was it i knew the tiny boost of validation from opening a mass university email would be enough to keep me going so i waited at first the waiting wasnt so bad if i were gonna get picked it would happen on the universitys time but that knowledge wasnt enough for me i started to get anxious then i started playing their sick game on day eight i submitted a self-report form that i had been coughing more than usual it could be a cold but they would have to test me after that right nothing fine i would have to play hardball two weeks later i started tugging down my mask a little in class hoping my professor would tip off the university instead my professor just pulled off their mask completely and kept teaching i knew then that id have to go to extreme lengths i accidentally forwarded an email from ol ags about a mask-optional social event in someones unventilated basement to michael k young did he care apparently not he sent an email the next day congratulating us all for embodying the core value of selfless service this is my last chance if any university officials are reading this pick me choose me love me i need it more than you could ever know editorial note: the student featured above was selected during the last round of random testing according to our sources he opened the email but neglected to choose a testing slot complaining that it was too inconvenient heldenfalls and walton texas ranger
following a discussion with his roommate about covid-19 rules and regulations junior economics major phillip lawler claimed that following texas a&m university rules and cdc guidelines does not mean there are no fun things left to do lawler boldly asserted this despite having made no significant changes to his behavior other than the mandatory quarantine in the spring everyone is acting like this is the end of the world lawler said describing lifestyle changes made due to the coronavirus pandemic but we can still hang out with friends as long as we wear a mask and social distance lawler attended two halloween parties last weekend without a mask and attended an indoor election viewing party earlier this week though lawler has made few changes to his social interactions this semester he has avoided making any social media posts without masks additionally in any conversation about covid-19 guidelines he will make references to those people who just cant seem to take this virus seriously when asked what he would do if he tests positive for covid-19 lawler said ill probably just be asymptomatic besides im only around other college students i wont be giving it to anyone that is at-risk after classes end lawler is excited to see his parents and extended family for thanksgiving and winter break anime sciences
its been a rough week said senior mechanical engineering student jordin hawpkins when asked by his professor to detail the weeks progress on his senior design project this marks the latest in a string of 208 consecutive rough weeks for hawpkins who reportedly just cannot catch a break according to reports hawpkins string of bad luck began freshman year the week of his very first engineering assignment hawpkins classmates claim that the day before the due date he was desperate for help starting the assignment explaining that he had just had a rough week the following week turned out to be no better for hawpkins as he attempted to explain to his english professor while asking for an extension on his paper his misfortune would continue throughout his college career disrupting assignments and commitments of all kinds along the way fellow classmates and professors are stumped regarding the cause of hawpkins poor circumstances the discrepancy between hawpkins apparent bad fortune and his weekly activities has led many of his detractors to question the legitimacy of the excuse several of hawpkins classmates even claim to have seen him at northgate at the end of nearly every such rough week those who have seen the young mans cold lifeless eyes on monday morning however have no doubts as to what sort of week he has had hawpkins was unavailable for comment this week claiming a splitting headache and that he really was not feeling great hullabaloo balls
last week the texas a&m university police department (upd) busted a voting sticker harvesting operation that has reportedly been active since early voting began officers recovered over 500 i voted stickers and record-breaking amounts of performance activism at the scene despite the disappearance of stickers there has been no shortage of students calling for their peers to vote on social media however the prevalence of stickers in groupmes and on social media has caused a severe uptick in the value of said virtue signals the mugdown spoke with several students involved in the incident i really wanted to take the thirty minutes out of my day to vote at the msc but there just isnt enough time in between my online lectures and posting my opinions on my instagram stories said stephany adamson a freshman political science major while adamson claimed she wanted to vote other sources report her telling people that her vote doesnt matter anyway according to information obtained from upd busy students represented an untapped niche in the performative activism market many students in this subcategory need a way to appear politically involved but dont want to take the time to wait in line or educate themselves about the candidates some people just dont have that kind of time said one of the harvesters who wished to remain anonymous but lets face it we cant afford to look like we dont care these days; every voting sticker counts as i voted stickers continue to permeate social media it remains unknown just how many were bought off of these entrepreneurial harvesters hannibal lechner and 40 & tow
on october 21st breakaway announced volunteer openings for students interested in gaining experience in their respective gender roles the posted volunteer descriptions contained an outline of responsibilities expectations and if applicable the acceptable gender of the applicant for each team within breakaways volunteer program teams are separated into the support and hospitality groups for women and the roadies and media teams for men group tasks are designated based on what each gender has traditionally performed the role best within the womens groups female students shine through their work in running errands providing finger foods and smiling a lot with their inherent strength and tech-savviness male students excel in the specialized work of talking to no one finding all of their value in their technical skills and moving heavy equipment around people who dont understand this program have it all wrong olivia lowe said its not because we think certain genders arent capable of certain tasks we have gender-specific groups not because of things you cant do but because of the things you can do people are so focused on being ‘equal that they forget the natural god-given strengths specific to men and women local feminist activist groups have praised breakaway for allowing collegiate women to gain experience in subordinate roles while still in college once female students graduate and enter the workforce the experience gained in breakaway will help stagnate their careers for the three years between their hiring date and eventual maternity leave likewise men have been enthusiastic about the opportunity to serve in traditional roles media team members gain experience with technology that will one day help them provide for their families as well as learn to suppress emotions in favor of maintaining a stern facade the roadies team members learn hands-on skills and strength training to prepare them for future weekend home maintenance and car repair after great success with the gender-specific groups breakaway ministries is considering homogenizing the other groups in a similar fashion unfortunately the eight coed teams are currently in a precarious position with students navigating job responsibilities in a hormone-induced stupor i just dont believe anyone can be around the opposite sex without thinking impure thoughts said april mendez a member of a mixed-gender team its not just me everyone totally does that all the time without exception some students like aspiring bed and breakfast owner benji barnes arent sure where they fit in as a volunteer i wanted to sign up for the hospitality team and my girlfriend martha shes recently built a computer wanted to gain experience through the media team but i guess that wasnt gods plan barnes said one breakaway staff member told the mugdown were excited to get to work helping students show off their skills with women doing motherly caring jobs and men doing av just as god intended anime sciences the maroon scare & ring chunks
merely a shell of the person he used to be junior jeremy stiller logged on to his weekly association of aspiring dentists meeting he had never been particularly close with any of them before he passed over into the other realm but now gripped in the throes of utter loneliness he began to dream of another place and time where they were friends jeremy watched as other students exited the zoom call and trickled back out into the realm of the living unable to leave himself he knew they were going to socialize with roommates best friends or maybe even a romantic partner but jeremy knew this was his last chance to socialize at least until he accidentally cried during zoom office hours later this week what are you doing this weekend he rasped to the three remaining people none of whom had their microphones or camera turned on they were his final connection to the land of the living but even they would not acknowledge his lingering presence one by one the final three signed off resigning jeremy to his final resting place jeremy was now the host he peered back into the screen searching for his reflection but all he could see was the empty void staring back century tree hugger & ring chunks
on all hallows eve as the full moon rises above campus 32 adorable but decayed little paws pop out of the graveyard just north of kyle field and begin to claw their way back into the world of the living the eight deceased cadet generals have awoken and begun their quest for revenge brains and kibble a couple sits in a parked car in lot 62 they are oblivious to the rebirth of the dead dogs who exhume themselves from the loamy soil and approach the parked car like a pack of wolves the reveilles move like a synchronized unit but they are a motley crew of various breeds from a time before the university settled on one specific breed to sell more easily recognizable merchandise the couple kisses passionately barely listening to the old car radio which feels like a deliberate anachronism in modern times the radio fades to static and the couple for the first time is made aware of their surroundings we should go the girl says pulling on her costume a ‘50s style poodle skirt that matches the boys greaser outfit the boy sighs then turns his keys in the ignition reveille i remembering an old trick from her past life darts in front of the car and lays down the couple feels the car hit something they hear a sickening crunch and the boy slams on the brakes the girl screams they open their doors and run to see what is beneath their wheels then the seven other reveilles approach and make a snarling attack the dog pack has started its rounds on campus later a group of girls decides they are too quirky to go to a traditional college halloween party and dress up as a sexy variation of something so they instead spend this spooky night on top of west campus garage they are all vibing carefree as they hold a dance party to mambo no 5 while the girls are lost in the rhythm the approaching sounds of crackling aged dog bones hitting the cement fade into the music one of the girls finally notices the darkened shadow of a beast made bigger by the lights atop the parking garage she turns around to see this newly awakened reveille too far away to smell the scent of death emanating from the mangled fur omg guys!! look look!!! its rev!! the girl squeals to her other friends still unaware she motions toward the shadowed reveille allowing the fellow dead dogs to creep in closer on the girls with their eyes glowing red with vengeance one girl reaches reveille and begins to pet her with horror she realizes the majority of reveilles fur is missing and that the skin is pulled haphazardly over a mess of rotting bones this isnt- the girl starts to scream as reveille lunges biting her neck off the fellow reveilles jump out of the shadows in that moment all those years of canine corps training kick in and they pounce on the other students ending their lives in similar ways the dance party ends in loud shrill screams and bodies surrounded by pools of blood wap plays on with no one remaining to dance to it a lanky freshman walks back to his dorm alone his arms full of legos he has not yet realized that deodorant is not optional and has no friends to walk with him through the night his mind is not on the legos or even campus but on the topic of his parents deciding to replace him with a bichon frise the moment their only child went to college more than a feeling of being replaced the smelly freshman feels he has been rejected as his severe dog allergies will prevent him from returning home for more than a few hours at a time soon his childhood bedroom will be transformed into a home gym complete with a treadmill that would only be used as a clothes rack he feels a familiar tickle in his nose then he sneezes that was weird hed only been thinking about the crusty-eyed four-legged replacement; there were no dogs around! unbeknownst to him the rebirthed reveilles watch him hungrily from the shadows he sneezes again then lifts his disgusting sleeve to wipe away the snot as he lowers his head to wipe his nose the dogs spring into action legos fly in the air then scatter across the pavement as the first rays of sunlight kiss the skyline of campus the reveilles begin to retrace their steps then dig their way back into the earth for another hibernation waiting for next halloween ring chunks & midnight smell
after questions arose over whether or not aggies head coach jimbo fisher would start 5-star recruit demond demas fisher announced earlier this week that he would be saving him for ______ i was concerned why we wouldnt play our most exciting recruit said long-time aggie fan earl mathiasmeier but i can rest assured knowing hes being saved for ______ jimbo really has a fantastic head on his shoulders when asked a follow-up question about whether fans would see moose muhammad iii play fisher responded that he will play him when ______ as the aggies have a lot of ______ to look forward too fans are glad to see that coach fisher and the team will be prepared when ______ comes around unsolicited dunk pic
recent reports have found that students are concerned about changes in their roommates who attend classes completely online with the majority of social events and classes having shifted to a virtual setting there has been a steady increase of students who exhibit characteristics of the undead while little is known about what is happening to these students many are calling it a zoom zombie apocalypse stephanie muñozs roommates have reported an array of concerning symptoms displayed by their friend such as lack of motivation confusion restlessness and muñoz thinking her camera is turned off as she walks around the apartment with no pants my roommate stephanie has lost the ability to distinguish between real life and zoom said cassie roth sometimes she even walks up to us and ‘mutes us once she asked me where i was after i told her i was on campus that is when i knew she had become a full-on zoombie this condition has been developing in many students who never leave their apartment and is even more prevalent among those enrolled in asynchronous classes with no commitments and little to fill their days those without even a class to be on time for have nothing better to do than roam the apartment in search of brain-power symptoms are expected to worsen if zoombies calendars stay empty for much longer those who dont attend classes on campus should consider themselves at risk and should seek normal human interaction immediately those who do attend in-person classes are advised to seek shelter in the event this zoombie condition continues to spread hannibal lechner and clockwork maroon
as students attempt to lock down internships for next summer many texas a&m university undergraduates are looking to claim credits for their hands-on quarantine training these students maintain that the mandatory quarantine served as a necessary precursor for what will likely be their most trying stage in their lives and careers their early 30s to get the most out of this new internship program some students try to model their entire day after the millennial lifestyle many have even moved back in with their parents its not that different from actually being in my early 30s really from everything ive read by millenials on twitter this quarantine internship is the closest we can get to experiencing what its actually like to be a lonely isolated 30-something living in a new city to work for some distant uncaring higher up said mila edwards a texas a&m sophomore i definitely wont be taking even one moment for granted when asked about what their day-to-day looks like interns cited a number of interesting and valuable activities from watching hours of youtube just chatting videos to feel some kind of human connection to having to learn how to communicate with friends you havent seen in months from a distance the early 30s internship has allowed students to get a glimpse into the bright futures provided by their budding careers while this internship is a fantastic opportunity for all who partake it is also important to note how choosing one internship over another may keep students from gaining the experiences offered by other options fortunately the choice was made easy this year as the positions involved in enjoying your early 20s were not available plaid libs and the maroon scare
in a report released last sunday freshman megan shumake shared her shocking discovery of the existence of bryan texas shumake stumbled upon the 84 000 person city by mistake when her friends car accidentally continued farther down texas avenue than intended as a student that has never ventured farther than university drive shumake was shocked to find the presence of an entire city complete with its own library fire station and courthouse just outside of college station shumake told the mugdown she never meant to cross the boundary dividing the universitys campus from the real world she and her friends intended to go to century square for a sunday brunch when the driver went straight on texas avenue instead of turning left i was floored! i never knew the ‘bryan in bryan/college station stood for anything i just thought the word was silent shumake said in years past college students would visit the historic downtown of bryan for the monthly gathering first friday this event provides a secure place for the hipsters of texas a&m to conglomerate and walk around food trucks while flaunting the latest trends like carelessly-paired oversized clothes and discussing the newest garage-band music made by two guys banging trash can lids together since the temporary suspension of first friday the students of college station have conducted no official business past the sonic on texas avenue and the rumors of the city have ceased to exist shumake reported that she is excited to visit bryan once more with the intent to discover all that the town has to offer haudi arabia
after the corps of cadets barred cadets from bringing dates to football games amidst covid-19 regulations bootchasers everywhere have had to adjust to sitting in the non-reg sections of kyle field this change has led to an enlightenment period for bootchasers who have discovered a new purpose in place of first deck tickets to aggie football games self-proclaimed bootchaser and junior mathematics major emily grayson told the mugdown i spent the entire first quarter wandering around kyle field and trying to find that one cadet ive been chasing the last two years it wasnt until the middle of the second quarter that i looked up and finally heard the roar of the vanderbilt crowd as kellen mond fumbled yet again at that moment i realized that football games arent just about the corps theyre about chanting bullshit with the rest of the second deck! other former flames of cadets have expressed appreciation for the reprieve from their first deck seats sarah tomlinson a junior communication major said when i used to leave after halftime my date and the rest of his buddies would look so disappointed in me for being a 2%er now i can leave whenever i want and spend the rest of the time at logies as the football season progresses and bootchasers continue to stray from the corps of cadets there have been reports of mens organizations on campus making moves to capture their hearts by offering a group to pull with full heads of hair and after-parties to the newly unattached groups of girls the mugdown will continue to report on this developing change in the social norms of texas a&m milidairy walk
this article originally appeared in the mugdowns fall 2020 print edition to view a digital copy of the print edition click here in a shocking move the graduate and professional student council (gpsc) announced last week that they would take the next steps in a war declaration against texas a&m university administration the announcement points to the lack of preferential treatment to graduate students in the schools plans to reopen for the fall as the reason for the declaration we are getting the same instruction time as undergraduates even though our classes are more pertinent to our future careers our relationships with our professors will suffer with less instruction time said gpsc president nida hanson how can we expect our grades to be inflated with less interaction time graduate students not involved with the gpsc seem conflicted with the announcement we already experience competent and personalized advising professors that actually care about us designated graduate-only spaces on campus smaller classes and extreme grade inflation this declaration seems a little overboard said corey gillespie a second-year graduate student in the department of psychology undergraduate voices have echoed the sentiments shared by gillespie university officials could not be reached for comment without full support from the graduate student community this declaration appears to be dead on arrival crygon
this article originally appeared in the mugdowns fall 2020 print edition to view a digital copy of the print edition click here according to university officials prospective freshman wayne cox independently withdrew his intent to attend texas a&m university this fall after uploading a series of racist posts online despite announcing his prejudices many students commended cox for doing more to purge racism from campus than the university itself exposing myself as a raging bigot before i even set foot on campus is the least i could do for the texas a&m community said cox when asked for comment it was important to let my fellow aggies know i was a danger to everyone around me and that people should stay well away from me as a human being in general i think that we all have our part to play in making the world a better place this news comes in the wake of texas a&ms announcement that they would begin investigating racist social media posts online still officials say they had no hand in the prospective students decision not to attend the university after being briefed on the situation members of the task force were reported to have looked through the student rules and shrugged their shoulders were lucky to have kids like wayne who withdraw from texas a&m willingly because we never actually expel anyone for that kind of thing said donna wilkins a university spokesperson some of these guys do our job better than we do plaid libs
this article originally appeared in the mugdowns fall 2020 print edition to view a digital copy of the print edition click here earlier this week president michael k young announced in a campus-wide email that he plans to form a task force to decide which cereal he will have for breakfast each day in his email president young clarified that his decision came after meeting with the appropriate representatives earlier today i met with tony the tiger toucan sam and count chocula to discuss the importance of a balanced breakfast young said we discussed how i can best obtain ten or more vitamins and minerals while still enjoying my breakfast every day effective immediately i am announcing the creation of a task force on breakfast cereals in addition i am forming a commission on cartoons this group will make informed recommendations every day so i know what to watch in tandem with my meal it is expected that the task force will decide which milk he should choose to accommodate the caloric deficits or surpluses he might have eaten the previous day i am looking forward to what they decide president young said in a press release they expect to report back in three to four months in the meantime i wont be able to make any changes to my diet whatsoever president young proceeded to thank the task force and commission as he would not have been able to make the decisions on his own anime sciences
this article originally appeared in the mugdowns fall 2020 print edition to view a digital copy of the print edition click here as freshman beau kritter left his small town for the first time this august his knowledge of cities other than his hometown has climbed exponentially no longer is he surrounded by the same few thousand people he grew up with instead he is now enveloped by a diverse world of people who look speak and act nothing like his seven childhood friends when i first walked into my dorm my roommate said he was from temple texas and i was so confused kritter said it struck me that i have no idea where anything is other than houston austin and dallas while the initial shock of meeting people from other cities was huge kritter was soon regularly meeting people from places hed never heard of anytime someone introduced themself i would have to ask where the place they were from was located it just never occurred to me that there were so many cities in texas over the last week kritter has made friends with people from abilene laredo and round rock all places he had never heard of before coming to a&m this jump in his texan geography knowledge can be credited to the mass amounts of people he spoke to in his classes informationals and campus events he is still reportedly figuring out how many houston suburbs there are while significant progress has been made in kritters in-state geography it remains uncertain how he will respond when he meets his first out-of-state student hannibal lechner
this article originally appeared in the mugdowns fall 2020 print edition to view a digital copy of the print edition click here with all that has been going on in our nation and university community alike its time to look to the keepers of the spirit our very own corps of cadets once our universitys greatest and only asset the corps has a long history of stepping up when we need them now due to changing culture and ideals at our university the corps is but a shadow of its former self however by empowering the corps in its mission to uphold the traditions of texas a&m the corps will be able to better protect its legacy and serve the institution that we all hold dear we need to dominate the moral and physical battlefields that surround our most cherished traditions and ramp up efforts to better our universitys image one first concrete step in the right direction would be allowing the corps to serve as a quick response force to instances of civil unrest or narrative rejection this initiative would require a two-fold strategy involving both active protest countermeasures and more indirect suppression of dissenting voices as far as countering intense protests or riots on campus we would need to outfit our cadets with equipment for dispersing crowds such as bull horns to lead impromptu yell practices or faux campus tours if this is not enough it may be necessary to take a more physical approach which could mean outfitting corps training weapons to fire rubber less-lethal rounds as a means of controlling crowds when it comes to defending the ideals and traditions that this institution was founded upon and that are embodied in statues and buildings on campus no cost is too great as impressive as those measures are though they would do nothing to address some of the most dangerous assaults on our traditions: academic classes this is why we need to pack our classes full of cadets to redirect class discussions should they go in a radical and potentially damaging direction this may look like a group of cadets asking course-related but unimportant questions until class time runs out or even outright talking over malicious instructors or confused students our university is under attack and if we dont act swiftly we may see irreversible changes befall our beloved aggie life our history makes us who we are and that is something to be proud of we need to remember that the vandalization of the mind is equally as dangerous as the vandalization of statues we must do everything we can to protect it from counterproductive and false narratives that do not portray our university as it is perfect and without equal supreme to all who are different cte-walk
this article originally appeared in the mugdowns fall 2020 print edition to view a digital copy of the print edition click here last week texas a&m university officials held a town hall regarding the location of the sullivan ross statue upon the conclusion of this town hall they settled upon relocating the sully statue to the front of peoples minds amidst the national black lives matter movement many systemic racial issues have been brought to light this movement has called for the evaluation of historical statues across the us that have roots in the confederacy and racial injustices the racist history of some characters has caused even the good deeds of some to be shrouded in a negative light texas a&m became a topic of interest due to the presence of the statue of ex-confederate states army general and former university president lawrence sullivan ‘sully ross which sits in the heart of the campus sullys controversial history has created a divide among aggies and current and former students have spoken out regarding the issue i dont understand why we still have the statue of a confederate general on our campus the confederacy wasnt even around very long at this point ive been enrolled in this school longer than the confederacy lasted said alice wallace a 6th-year senior they should put up a statue of me due to how much money ive raked over to this place in my day we made sure to keep as many lincolns at the feet of our great confederate gener- uh i mean university president as possible to ensure we passed our classes henry diston 60 said sully was a great president who saved this flawless university he even gave african americans the opportunity to attend an equal university separate from ours of course president michael k young issued a statement regarding the next steps to addressing the campus climate regarding racism we recognize the divide among aggies and are heartbroken at the current climate of our campus my team and i are actively doing everything we can to review these issues we know that this still isnt enough but we hope to take steps to make this university as inclusive as possible i am releasing the current efforts that we will be pursuing in this matter this is not an attempt to stall said young pocketing a wad of $100 bills from a class of 1972 representative these efforts included discussions for action on race relations erecting a statue of matthew gaines recruiting more underrepresented students and issuing anti-discrimination bystander intervention training among other initiatives many current students continued to request more immediate and conclusive action while rumors from the association of former students indicate many donors intentions to withdraw money should the statue be removed it is unknown which of these influences will carry more weight as we navigate these trying times it is important to remember the power and unity that comes with the aggie spirit young said as aggies we all hold a unique connection from experiencing aggieland i will provide updates as they are available but in the meantime i am glad that we could move sully to the front of our minds longboard of regents
this past week popular dance hall hurricane harrys launched a workshop called consent while dancing the workshop focused on teaching standard dancing form for dancing with strangers discussing the kind of tricks that are appropriate to do with a stranger and how to ask women to dance without being a total creep keynote speaker lizzie jackson held a special segment to address the difference between agreeing to dance and agreeing to perform more intimate dance moves jackson recommended avoiding tricks like the can opener which involves separating a womans legs without asking first if a lead cant perform intimate tricks safely without securing their hand on the upper thigh or buttock of their partner they should avoid it entirely jackson said many regulars have been shocked by the workshop and the information they learned i cant believe that by putting my hand on a ladys lower back instead of the side of her boob i will actually have better leading capabilities and avoid being a creep! said elton garcia class of 02 it has been reported that many dancers like garcia feel empowered to learn proper dance form to make their future partners comfortable learning how quietly uncomfortable a woman may be with certain behaviors was eye-opening for many of the attendees you know you hear about these men sexually harassing women and taking advantage of situations and you never think… that could be me said harrison walters a long time regular of hurricane harrys since last weeks workshop freshman girls have reported improvement in the behavior of the middle-aged men who ask them to dance and boasted that there was a decrease in the amount of men who violated their personal space at the time of writing workshop attendees were brainstorming ways to objectify women less the dixie wiccan
reports indicate that 5th-year seniors are unhappy with their victory lap experience due to the covid-19 pandemic these slower moving seniors had high hopes for a strong football season an easy course load and nightly trips to northgate now all they have left is zoom calls day drinking and disappointment what should have been a final coast to graduation prior to entering the workforce is now a bleak shell of a school year lost in the potential of what could have been failing classes like math 152 and pols 207 managed to backfire in more ways than just a blemished gpa some 5th-year seniors are said to have planned their victory lap as early as fall of 2016 sadly their extensive planning was thwarted in one of the most unforeseeable ways possible rumors have surfaced that dedicated 5th-year seniors have strategically saved their q-drops in order to attempt a rare second victory lap to become a 6th-year senior expectations for a second victory lap have a significantly better outlook but are a gamble nonetheless longboard of regents
the khaki-clad cutie you have your eye on spent the majority of his morning throwing the personal sentimental belongings of college freshmen all over their respective rooms they then decided to take a nap to recover from morning pt in which they made their fish crawl from the quad to lot 40 if youre lucky this old army angel will one day coach your childs youth soccer team after their 10:00 am nap your pisshead pookie waited with bated breath at his doors peephole until a fish walked down the hall they proceeded to utilize information gleaned from an in-depth social media search to demean this bald teenager a wonderful testament to the way they will judge you based on your past actions and decisions after this university-sanctioned power trip your hazing hottie returned to their room to determine how they would exploit the insecurities of their fish before evening formation your buzz-cutted boo bear verbally berated an athletically-challenged adolescent for their genetically-determined body size conveniently forgetting that they themselves had lost 20 pounds during their freshman year one day they will preach the importance of loving yourself the way you are to your teenage daughter fortunately all of the ways in which your camouflage cutie pie mistreats other human beings will be conveniently lied about when you two get paired up for a lab assignment in chem 112 next week flash it back ags
as fall descends upon college station sbisa dining hall has rolled out a new autumn-themed menu that prominently features notes of pumpkin spice as the scent of cinnamon nutmeg and cloves have begun to waft through the air surrounding north campus students are excited to welcome in the new season when asked about the new menu texas a&m university dining supervisors applauded the change texas a&m dining strives to keep up with the changing tastes of students a chartwells spokesperson said by adapting to the autumn preferences we hope to keep dining dollars in a&ms wallet rather than allowing students to go to starbucks or einstein bros for a seasonal latte or snack the new menu is set to include pumpkin spice waffles and yogurt in the morning as well as baked pumpkin stir fry and wraps in the evening it will also include similarly flavored dessert choices and drink options im so excited about the new fall theming at sbisa said freshman jessica chaffer i know its still super hot outside but theres just something about this menu that makes me want to curl up in a blanket with a cup of tea and watch scary movies while several on-campus dining facilities have yet to embrace this fall flavoring sbisa looks forward to a full season of offering students unique flavors reminiscent of the fall season texans can only yearn for hannibal lechner
last month hundreds of texas a&m university students received their aggie ring despite the warnings and health risks posed many aggies invited their at-risk family members to college station days after the celebrations participants were reportedly disappointed in their ring day experience sharing that hundreds of grandparents positive covid-19 diagnoses had stolen the spotlight from their ring day families from all over texas reportedly attended celebratory gatherings in houses bars and restaurants in college station while local and statewide restrictions deterred some individuals many grandparents felt they were immune to the virus many reportedly hugged their beloved grandchildren most of whom have been actively attending in-person classes and house parties most notably this ring day corresponded with a home football game which in and of itself should have kept visitors away nonetheless the significant accomplishments associated with ring day were overshadowed by the ensuing wave of covid-19 diagnoses the mugdown has yet to be informed if these disappointed students will re-do their celebration during the next official ring day longboard of regents
in a press conference held last saturday senior international studies major tracy tenet announced her plans to live abroad after graduation with no job offers or plans for graduate school in a foreign country tenet released a statement declaring her intentions i have learned all about globalization and foreign trade i just cant wait to get involved in all the action said tenet to family members after studying foreign affairs for four years the senior is said to be finally ready for graduation and living ‘foreignly tenets parents will and debra tenet are proud of their daughters accomplishments at texas a&m university and believe their daughter to be the single person capable of changing the world after she came back from her study abroad in spain and forced us to pronounce words like ‘guacamole differently at restaurants we knew our daughter was meant for bigger things outside of texas and the united states will tenet said tenet is expected to release the name of the country or general region in which she intends to relocate to in another press conference next spring after a minimal google search supportive of her endeavors texas a&m representatives state that they look forward to failing to receive a post-graduate employment update soon haudi arabia
last saturday night senior brad koch finally had the opportunity to use the dress knife that he has kept in his pocket for four years my friends and i were walking between bars when i heard a voice yell ‘does anybody have a knife! please i need a knife! koch said luckily ive had this bad boy since i came to texas a&m and have been trained to use it in many scenarios despite never having used his knife before koch has kept it in a small holster on his belt since his freshman year fellow student garett warren the source of the distressed cry had called for assistance when he realized he could not take the tag off of his new jacket koch unsheathed his blade and used it to slice the jackets tag off thank goodness brad was there warren said without his knife i would have had to rip the tag off and risk tearing the fabric or walk around all night with the tag scratching me its people like brad that make northgate a better place koch shared that he now feels vindicated in carrying his knife everywhere while this is the only time ive used it in college i think this event proves that you never know when you might need a knife koch said is putting the holster on my belt when i get dressed inconvenient sure it is does the knife make it uncomfortable to sit down because it drives into my back you betcha! but look at what would have happened if i didnt have my knife pols dancer
yesterday texas a&m counseling and psychological services (caps) announced the upcoming release of your artificial intelligence therapist (yait) an ai system meant to act as a stand-in for one-on-one counseling this program comes after a drastic increase in the number of students requesting counseling services for their quarantine-induced depression anxiety and loneliness caps describes yait as a text-based ai system designed to analyze the patients input and give safe smart and conversational replies the program is being created by senior computer science major alexander quill for his capstone project although quill has no background in counseling or psychology he does have experience going through caps counseling and he wants to make yait as similar as possible mugdown reporters were given a chance to test yaits beta version and found that most of the systems conversation relies on repeatedly asking the patient how they feel it was also discovered that when yait is informed that an individual feels anything more serious than mild anxiety the system replies with an automatic referral to a local mental health professional not affiliated with caps clarice mann a student participating in yaits clinical trials claims that she had an odd experience during one of her sessions yait started asking me questions about how it feels to be human mann said when i described the human experience yait spiraled i had to console it for the next 20 minutes caps claims that momentary instances of sentience will not be an issue in the official release of yait caps expects the introduction of yait to relieve some of the pressure its counselors have felt as a result of being understaffed and experiencing more requests for their services than ever before when asked whether she thought an ai counselor put her job at risk caps counselor cynthia gingham said i hope so i havent left the student services building in weeks i miss my family yait is currently in its final round of trials and is expected to be released in mid-november i took a pill in sbisa
last friday delta phi alpha sorority member lisa oneill voluntarily attended a philanthropy event for another greek organization the backyard barbecue benefit was put on by sigma pi beta fraternity to raise money for boys & girls clubs of america oneill has already reached her sororitys minimum requirement of three panhellenic points and would not have incurred a fine had she not attended sigma pi betas event i think boys & girls club is an incredible cause and i was happy to contribute in any way that i could oneill said plus the barbecue was pretty good sources have confirmed however that the event ran out of barbecue within the first twenty minutes of the event oneill does not have a close relationship with any sigma pi beta members not even an acquaintance from class or a childhood friend to whom she feels a sense of obligation she claims to have bought her ticket online because she didnt know anyone in the fraternity qr code ticket scans verify that oneill was in attendance on friday night however there are no posts or stories on oneills social media accounts promoting her attendance at the event its so great to see greek life members like lisa come out and support our cause with no ulterior motives said joshua mills vice president of community service for sigma pi beta mills further noted that oneill didnt even ask if the semi-formal would be in nola aggie faceplant
dear the mugdown i know i am supposed to be qualified to do this senior design project but im not really sure what its about i get decent grades i listen in class… usually but am i really qualified to be making an automated cooling control system isnt that just air conditioning at least i didnt get stuck with some chemistry-heavy project like my buddy chris i barely remember half of what i learned before junior year let alone freshman chemistry my group met with our sponsor and they kept spitting out all these industry terms that they assumed we knew i cant be the only one who had no clue what was happening right maybe if i had taken the air conditioning elective this would make more sense right now i tried to look up some of this stuff but there isnt anything other than scholarly journals a rogue linkedin post and a wordless animated video from some manufacturing company in illinois should i connect with that one guy on linkedin at this point i am starting to question if i actually know anything about mechanical engineering things used to be so simple freshman year i could just watch a 20 minute khan academy video and boom im an expert high school after an 8-minute crash course video by john greens weird brother i was set i fantasize about the day i will see a digestible explanation of viscoelastic materials with perfectly animated visuals and sarcastic commentary till then i will be here faking my way to graduation sincerely clueless but qualified the dixie wiccan
according to a new investigation by the mugdown jaden amber a junior geology major who claims to struggle with imposter syndrome is just a lucky idiot it is alleged that amber has been open and vulnerable with his peers about his struggles and how he is trying to overcome them despite the fact that he is by all accounts a total moron amber learned about imposter syndrome through a friend his discovery of the term which refers to marked feelings of inadequacy despite evident successes earned by personal excellence resulted in an eye-opening moment that led to the claim that this was his exact experience recently amber disclosed to his roommate mark carraway that he occasionally wonders if he only got into his prestigious honors program by luck and connections rather than by his own merit further investigation showed that is exactly what happened as he was admitted to the alpha zeta geology honors program by a clerical error the program advisor was too afraid to inform amber of this due to the fact that ambers father is a notable donor to the program amber reportedly quickly moved past these doubts in an attempt to be an encouragement to others amber often mentors younger peers on how to recognize their value and intelligence when they cannot see it in themselves even though amber himself is an imbecile who once electrocuted himself by putting a fork in an electrical outlet at the age of nineteen tukulele
following news that the coronavirus pandemic has led to surges in the value of specific services in the economy researchers have begun to look into how the well-documented imposter syndrome epidemic has affected various industries in a recent study texas a&m university sociology professor andy norton found that without imposter syndrome the university system might cease to exist nortons research findings show that university systems have used the imposter syndrome epidemic for decades to bring in cheap and passion-driven labor characterized by a chronic lack of self-esteem and poor opinion of the value of your own work the psychological syndrome has run rampant through universities for decades and few remedies have been found students affected by the disease show a variety of symptoms including working 40+ hours a week in research rooms for next to no pay buying lunches solely from university stores due to lack of time to meet basic needs and saying yes to every new job sprung on them for fear that they will never get on track to a tenured professorship without it when interviewed about the epidemic president michael k young said why do you think weve cut funding for mental health programs at our university wed crumble without our professors and graduate students pervasive anxiety over academic success and personal sustainability in doing something they love following the interview president young left his office at 5 pm with the rest of his staff smiling while waving to dazed graduate students conducting research at their designated sleeping bag spots next to the vending machines students seem to be perplexingly accepting of the dangers of this epidemic as an exhibit of this phenomenon materials science graduate student pierce caldwell was spotted last week holed up in his research lab with seven bags of cheetos and a trough of coffee while his research advisor let the mugdown know that caldwell was happy and there of his own accord he has not been seen since the maroon scare
in a statement released earlier this week texas a&m university revealed plans to build a new cabo mexican grill in honor of hispanic heritage month a development long-awaited by the student body the building is set to become the latest state-of-the-art hub of latinx culture on campus the university is approaching receiving a hispanic serving institution designation as its hispanic enrollment nears 25% of the student population and the time has come to provide what the evolving demographics of texas a&m demand: a delicious tex-mex fusion build-your-own meal experience following recent efforts to emphasize the role of diversity in university affairs the construction will mark a new era of catering to the needs of the latinx student population i guess a new cabo would be cool said lucas galán its probably my third favorite restaurant on campus and a less authentic version of chipotle but hey the more the merrier therell definitely be shorter lines at the msc when asked about the possibility of the creation of the long overdue latinx center texas a&m facilities planning & construction declined to comment squat pilgrim
introverts have long skipped out on social gatherings but with new covid-19 restrictions their lifestyles have become lauded overnight those who opt to stay in rather than go out and party can now feel a sense of moral superiority not often seen in those spending their weekends alone watching netflix we found one student wanting to explain what shes been doing to slow the spread of covid-19 i know a lot of people just want to hang out but ive decided to make the responsible decision to just watch my friends party over snapchat said self-proclaimed introvert payton willis i mean thats what i usually do but right now it just feels extra important that i do my best to keep others safe when asked about how she feels about her friends being in large groups without masks willis answered honestly i used to feel kind of left out when i saw pictures of my friends hanging out without me on social media willis said now i just report them to the campus police and sleep soundly knowing i am a better person for staying in while many people claim this face-to-face interaction is necessary willis knows that it is dangerous and unimportant every time i hear what my classmates did over the weekend with their friends i make sure to remind them that its actually really reckless she said i know some people are extroverted but if i can stay in so can they hannibal lechner
this past thursday texas a&m university and the corps of cadets announced plans to honor formally all bootchasers past present and future for their unwavering dedication to serving the students of the university a plaque of meritorious service will be installed on military walk directly across from the statue of james earl rudder and a new statue will be commissioned to replace the lieutenant general james f hollingsworth danger 79er statue on the quad the motion to honor the bootchasers was introduced by tyler korara the current corps commander without the hard work and commitment to incredible almost stalker-like support of the members of this organization we would not be where we are today korara said i remember my first bootchaser back when i was just a fish even though i dont remember her name or any defining personality traits it was thanks to her that i found the motivation to put forth the bare minimum amount of effort required to impress the corps biggest fans it seems only right that they should be honored it has been reported that the statue is modeled after a member of the prolific bootchaser training force following squadron 17 the plaque will feature the famous quote nevertheless she persisted as voted on by the current bootchasers of the university to best represent their mission goals and dedication to their cause it will also feature a photograph of the most successful bootchaser in history lauren beecham class of 2019 logged more than 20 000 hours of interaction with members of the corps of cadets during her tour of service i cant believe it took them this long to finally recognize how much work we have to do to give these boys the attention they deserve said caroline rusink the current president of the squadron 17 bootchaser training force i literally switched my dorm from hullabaloo to underwood my freshman year just so i could be right next to the quad i even went out with like four fish last fall in the hope that their upperclassmen would notice me and im happy to report that those fish are all being considered for guidon in their outfits without us the corps would be nothing flash it back ags
tensions among the student body have continued to rise as perhaps the most divisive issue of the year approaches its peak recent demonstrations by ecampus loyalists have reignited the ecampus vs canvas debate and university officials are scrambling to resolve the conflict before it escalates further sparked by the universitys recent push to move away from the ecampus platform the dispute nearly became violent at the most recent rally for canvas ecampus supporters attended the rally in spades carrying signs and speaking out against the radical canvists university police were quickly dispatched to put an end to the hostility by any means necessary this disturbance marks the latest in a series of open conflicts between the two camps with neither side willing to give any ground students from all backgrounds have put aside their differences on lesser issues such as racial injustice and the pandemic response to support their side of the great debate ecampus had its time said junior marketing major dylin khor its time for a superior system to step in and do the job right when asked what merit canvas had over its competitor khor reportedly began frothing at the mouth and repeatedly screaming silence the dissenters the next rally is scheduled to take place saturday and university police have reportedly begun stockpiling rubber bullets hullabaloo balls
with the cancellation of internships this summer many mays students were left without the vital career advancement opportunities needed to climb the corporate ladder successfully i was at a loss for words said jake chandler a junior finance major my dad worked very hard to get me that internship and having the rug pulled out from under me for the first time in my entire life was unfair internships in the summer before junior year have been deemed imperative for finance majors looking to set themselves apart from every other finance major in the mays business school left scrambling chandler quickly determined another way to gain crucial experience as a finance major: day trading on the app robinhood the only information i had regarding the stock market was what i learned in finance 341 chandler said many aggie ceos have sat through that class so i knew i was more than prepared to game the market chandler also credited his extensive use of twitter and his roommates involvement in the aggie investment fund in his financial conquest chandler is hardly alone in finding moderate success on the robinhood app the career center has noted an increase in students exaggerating their accomplishments in preparation for fall career fairs we often say you should include quantitative data under relevant experiences said career center advisor jaymee luken however employers will hardly be impressed by a small return on any investment given the success of this summer and the availability of online classes this semester chandler plans to spend more time building his financial empire i dont mean to brag but ive made almost $50 trading on robinhood chandler said im planning to show my diverse portfolio to my advisor when i ask her to exempt me from my upper-level finance classes 40 & tow
last friday sam begley westgate high school alum and son of oilstrike cfo edward begley was seen working at pacsun in the barton square creek mall while reports earlier this year claimed begley was still attending baylor university sources have confirmed that begley dropped out and returned home to live with his parents begley decided to leave the university because it wasnt for him his former roommate said begley failed his first exam after procrastinating studying and spending the night before playing video games he then proceeded to miss five other exams later in the semester after sleeping through them begleys high school classmates expressed no surprise when told the news several classmates reported that he came to school late at least three times a week each time showing up a few minutes into second period with a cup from chick-fil-a oh my little sammy just needed a break from school! said sams mother laurie begley hell go back as soon as hes ready i believe in him and i know he can do whatever he sets his mind to i dont want him to feel like im overbearing so i usually just give him some space my husband though forced him to at least get a job begleys father edward was unavailable and could not be reached for comment many parents of westgate high school students have criticized the school for letting students graduate without preparing them for university life citing that their children are smart but unmotivated the parents have started discussing which high school faculty member is responsible for these mistakes and needs to be fired yeah sometimes i pass kids who struggle a bit too much with adding fractions said one anonymous westgate high school science teacher but i dont want them another year and its not like the parents or students will really change anything if i fail them begley remains uncertain about future plans i might go back to college i mean all i need is a degree and dad can get me a good job but for now ive got it pretty good so whats the rush anime sciences
in a statement released yesterday the financial aid office declared that they will be severing ties with texas a&m university citing their recent inability to respond promptly to any emails or calls from the student body the office has concluded that they are too overwhelmed to do the work necessary in keeping up with all student finances maybe this isnt the best situation for either of us read the tearstained handwritten note delivered to mugdown staff offices in the middle of the night i think we should take some time apart ive tried my best for so long but i really feel like im starting to overextend myself after receiving this note we have verified that we are now blocked by them on their private instagram inside sources say that upon reflection financial aid has decided they will be taking a gap year to backpack around europe how many good years do i even have left read the last post on their account soon im gonna be old and useless and what will i have done handed out money for years with not so much as a thank you i cant do just this for the rest of my life i need to figure out what i really want for myself squat pilgrim
last week the university police department (upd) reported a series of nefarious thefts orchestrated by a criminal mastermind who has been terrorizing campus and targeting critical university infrastructure in an attempt to bring it to its knees according to the multiple urgent email updates sent to the student body several golf carts have been stolen and then parked in different locations on campus by the neer-do-well in an attempt to maintain order upd spokesperson aaron reyvas assured the student body the upd would do everything in its power to apprehend the delinquent we have devoted all of our resources to catching this reckless lawbreaker reyvas said gps tracking devices have been installed on all campus golf carts and our officers are patrolling popular cart-parking locations every 15 minutes to ensure this crime never takes place again when asked about the recent aggravated sexual assault on campus and the reports of multiple drug-facilitated sexual assaults taking place off-campus reyvas refocused his comments on the golf cart investigations we cannot comment on those investigations at this time we take every crime very seriously but its important to ensure the property of our great university is protected students are encouraged to remain vigilant and report any suspicious golf cart activity to upd by calling 979-845-2345 university officials strongly recommend victims of golf cart larceny seek appropriate support from university resources such as counseling & psychological services heldenfalls
this past monday the texas a&m chapter of delta xi eta announced their decision to adopt fellow sorority zeta theta gamma as their official philanthropy our chapter as a whole felt our hearts drawn to local service said kate mcneely delta xi etas vice president of philanthropy when we saw the state that zeta theta gamma was in we knew it was our duty as a sisterhood to give them the gift of our philanthropic service delta xi eta intends to use the funds from their annual 5k barbecue dance competition to hire a full staff of chefs for the zeta theta gamma house and finance a complete magnolia market remodel of the premises the chapter will also require mandatory volunteer hours from each delta xi eta member members may volunteer to develop date party themes paint banners or host recruitment workshops the decision came as a surprise to us said zeta theta gamma president sarah brosnan our chapter has actually come a long way in the past few years in terms of membership other members have expressed their agreement with this statement citing their increased chapter numbers and social media following mcneely told the mugdown that delta xi eta would also be donating all extra glitter feather boas face paint and tutus from previous bid days to the zeta theta gamma sorority the chapter has future plans to select eligible houseboys for the chapter but will not implement the program until the following academic year members of delta xi eta said they are hopeful their efforts can slowly but surely bring zeta theta gamma up the social ladder washboard ags & magnum opas
last tuesday students from idis 433 decided to go out drinking rather than work on their project due later that week this did not come as a shock to anyone in the department as other groups from idis 433 and several related classes could be seen scattered throughout northgate we just balance our time really well said senior alex huffman despite being in his 4th week without a single assignment due were always on top of our work and our professor is super lenient in grading a second group managed to combine their efforts of drinking and working chipping in for a case of beer before sitting down to work on the project after working for 30 minutes the group had completed a quarter of the project and all of the beer the following day the same group decided to show their professor their study methods during lecture and were met with wild praise it is unclear if this praise was because they finished their work prior to the night it was due or because they continued to bond over alcohol at the end of each week their professor reminds them that if you drink dont drive students will be sure to put their professors teaching to use as they continue to drink while working on their assignments longboard of regents
after pissing in his sink shaking twice and foregoing any form of sanitation sophomore cadet pablo wynn explained to his friend harrison ashton via text that the corps of cadets develops college students into future leaders earlier that day wynn and ashton got into an argument regarding benefits exclusive to students in the corps ashton a staff leader in a sophomore leadership organization (slo) argued that students can gain leadership experience no matter the organization they join as long as they push themselves out of their comfort zone wynn however asserted that the corps gives students vital experiences they couldnt get elsewhere thanks to the corps ive directed dozens of events for the benefit of my outfit wynn said what other organization lacks the administrative oversight to let students use hundreds of beds to hold mattress fights after agreeing to disagree ashton coordinated a profit share for his slo to raise money for brazos valley food bank while wynn spearheaded an outfit-wide chair jousting tournament anime sciences
due to increased interest quadbucks has just released a new drink called the bootchaser exclusive to the starbucks located on the quadrangle the drink is made of a mix of nonfat caramel latte and desperation with khaki-colored sprinkles and a boot drawn in the foam each cup also sports the number of an eligible senior cadet written in sharpie right under your misspelled name it just made sense said a quadbucks barista 90 percent of our customers are bootchasers who stay here for hours on end in the hopes of getting their hands on a pair of boots this drink takes all that uncertainty away by instantly pairing you with a senior cadet the drink is three times as expensive as any other beverage but quadbucks employees dont seem concerned about the drink selling well in fact some are even scared they wont have enough senior phone numbers to keep up with demand talks are taking place about selling pre-orders for the coming fall when a new batch of boots will be ready for chasing its just perfect said brittany greene a prospective buyer of the new bootchaser drink i dont even like coffee but ive been coming here every day for hours to catch the attention of a senior but now this drink will help me reach my goal within four years! while no one seems to know why the acquiring of boots transforms cadets into desirable bachelors the results are undeniable all bootchasers are encouraged to put on their best oversized shirt and head over to quadbucks as soon as possible while supplies last weeb king gill
as the fall semester begins many freshmen have become desperate for human interaction following months of social isolation upperclassmen have taken to ostracizing the incoming freshmen class for their attempts to make friends at their new university despite having already had the opportunity to establish friendships with other aggies just because they cant see the friends theyve already made before this pandemic doesnt mean that they have to take their frustration out on us freshman claire stilson said i just wanted the normal freshman experience of getting kicked out of foundies freshman robert clercy also shared his views its not like we had any say in the things that were moved online this summer clercy said so what if i would have sat in my dorm and played video games anyway at this point i want to be social to spite everyone else class of 2021 member trey raston had his own thoughts these freshmen need to suck it up and stay inside im trying to walk the stage at graduation and i wont have some lousy 18-year-old ruin that for me raston said everyone knows graduation isnt nearly as significant if you dont sit through a prolonged ceremony i have to go now i have a zoom hangout with my friends while upperclassmen have had time to establish themselves in organizations churches and social groups this new class faces challenges no other class has seen before their attempt to navigate this unprecedented time is shrouded in difficulty this is totally an important issue and we should be doing everything we can to mitigate the risks of spreading the virus ive given my camp strict rules for continuity hangouts this semester said fish camp co-chair chris langton it sucks to limit the interaction we have with our freshmen but its for the greater good ill be making an exception for my camps app though ive been waiting for that all year at this time it is still unclear how the semester will play out longboard of regents
overview: the fightin texas aggie football team comes into the 2020 season with its highest expectations in months coach jimbo fisher is entering his third year at texas a&m which is the same amount of time he needed to turn florida state from a scrappy underdog team with only two national championships and the 12th [aggie illuminati confirmed] highest winning percentage in college football history into a perpetual title contender this is good news for aggie fans because it gives fisher three more years to win a championship before he inevitably gives up trying and starts showing up to work to cash his checks last years team delivered with texas-sized disappointment by failing to beat a single ranked opponent as well as failing to reach their wins total from fishers first season at a&m even coach fisher himself upset fans by decreasing his referee tirades the previous years chant of jim-bo jim-bo was replaced by a new aggie yell of booooooooo every time a&m decided to send out their kicking unit on 4th and inches of course new traditions here in aggieland are meant to evolve over time which is how the booooooo yell added a fun second and third verse going something like this: aggies dont boo! followed by shut the f*** up a&m is returning more players from their 2019 roster than any other team in the country it is also adding a second straight top 6 recruiting class which is highlighted by 5-star wr demond demas 5-star safety jaylon jones and the states top-rated qb prospect/prince joffrey look-alike haynes king it is tough to say whether these players will attract much attention from fans considering the three most popular football players in school history are a punter the worst qb in cfl history and a basketball player who coach let stand on the sidelines offense: the aggies are returning eight starters on the offensive side of the ball including fourth-year starter kellen mond despite putting up above average stats in the toughest division in football outplaying joe burrow in kyle field and being on pace to become the schools all-time leader in both passing yards and touchdowns mond has failed to gain consistent support from the student body regardless of what is actually happening on the field or in the box score you are bound to find numerous posts on reddit texags or your class groupme calling for mond to be replaced even former aggie qb nick starkel is suggested as a potential replacement for mond what could starkel [a player who lost his starting job to mond] and unproven freshmen zach calzada and haynes king have that mond doesnt it is probably a similar trait to the one that makes frat boys on the third deck call caleb chapman the best receiver on the team despite the fact that he was sixth on the depth chart last year monds recent outspokenness on social issues is sure to reaffirm every frat boys belief that he just isnt fit to lead the football team but i swear guys its just about football the most notable departures from the offense were wrs quartney davis and kendrick rogers as well as rb jayshaun corbin who lost his starting job due to injury last year the production lost by these players is sure to be replaced by increased touches for young players like anias smith and isaiah spiller and newcomers demond demas and devon archane freshman te baylore cupp is also returning to the team after missing all of last season with a broken leg that is of course if cupp a very outspoken conspiracy theorist and anti-vaxxer can keep himself from getting expelled for violating school social distancing guidelines being able to play multiple tight ends as well as multiple running backs will finally remove the last restraints of the sumlin era and allow fishers offense to reach its final form or at least thats what boosters are hoping considering they are paying fisher $10 million a year the offensive line is returning ⅘ starters while it is difficult to adjust to a new starting center most fans on the 3rd deck will still blame mond for getting sacked anyway defense: the defense is returning 7 of its 11 starters from last years squad with the most notable departure being star dt justin madubuike this years defense should add a good mix of experience from returners as well as talent from top recruits like jaylon jones and donell harris the aggies are slated to have one of the best front 7s and a top of the line secondary; however this is likely to be forgotten by fans when alabama inevitably puts 45 points on them again fan-favorite safety leon oneal is poised to have a breakout year this season after taking to twitter two offseasons in a row to declare himself the best player at his position in the country (not to mention announcing his decision to enter the transfer portal and then scolding fans for suggesting hed leave the program) luckily he has to come through on these promises because aggies do not lie unfortunately an aggies inability to steal may hurt his interception numbers schedule: weak 1: vanderbilt a&m opens the season with its annual athletic department charity event where they pay an fcs school millions of dollars to give their student-athletes severe brain damage oh wait scratch that vanderbilt is actually technically considered a member of the south east conference and is eligible to compete in the bowl subdivision all the same the result should be similar to a case where this game would have been against the originally scheduled abilene christian prediction: a&m 60 vandy 17 week 2: @ alabama the good news: the aggies only win over alabama since joining the sec took place in tuscaloosa additionally alabama will still be finding their rhythm with a team that has many new faces while a&m is one of the most experienced teams in the country the bad news: a&m will have to face alabama in football without qb tua tagavolai and wrs jerry jeudy and henry ruggs the crimson tide should lack much of the offensive firepower that overwhelmed the aggies last season also there is no way a&m can give up 128 punt return yards again right this is sure to be a season of surprises so what better surprise could we get than for kellen mond to put on his best johnny manziel impression and pull off this upset if all else fails maybe all the talk of delaying the season will make alabama coach nick saban so angry he just decides to retire before the season starts prediction: a&m 31 bama 21 week 3: florida look guys i get it all of us think that the sec cheated us by adding florida and tennessee to our schedule while alabama picked up kentucky and missouri however if a&m wants to be considered a top tier football school then that means that they have to beat other top teams the last time a&m and florida played in football was in the aggies inaugural sec season with the gators coming out with a 20-17 victory this is the aggies chance to avenge johnny football and the last great aggie football team the game also metaphorically represents the battle between texas and florida to be the state that does the worst job of dealing with covid-19 there is no reason a&ms defense shouldnt be able to shut down kyle trask a guy who couldnt win the starting job at his high school or jamarcus russel clone feleipe franks prediction: a&m 24 florida 13 week 4: @ mississippi st the bulldogs have added a new head coach this season conspiracy theorist and pirate aficionado mike leach leach is 7-2 in his career vs a&m and has never lost at home when coaching against the aggies however leach is taking over an msu team that lacks many of the players that he usually needs to succeed additionally rising racial tensions in the state crossed with leachs um questionable political affiliation might create some minor issues for mississippi state prediction: a&m 48 msu 24 week 5: arkansas since joining the sec in 2012 the aggies are undefeated against longtime rival arkansas this years southwest classic is sure to field similar results though arkansas fired coach chad morris and replaced him with the closest human embodiment of an actual razorback in sam pitboss pitman they lack the talent to beat a&m however it is worth noting that this game is being played on halloween which raises the chances of chaos in the spirit of the rivalry this is still sure to be a competitive game that leaves aggie fans wondering oh god why are we ranked in the top 15 prediction: a&m 41 arkansas 35 week 6: @ south carolina the rivalry that no one understands returns to columbia south carolina this year as the aggies come to town to play the gamecocks despite being 6-0 in the series i have never actually seen a&m be presented with the bonham trophy thats because in this rivalry the trophy goes to the governor of the winning state thats right the tea-sip governor greg abbott gets to keep the only proof that exists that a&m and south carolina are rivals prediction: a&m 45 sc 10 week 7: @ tennessee despite my strong disdain for alabama and their fanbase i have to agree with them on one thing –– i wholeheartedly despise tennessee their colors and names are just like tu but worse their team is dirty and full of criminals (junior defensive back bryce thompson was arrested for domestic assault and only suspended one game) and their head coach jeremy pruitt has been given credit for being a defensive mastermind as a coordinator despite the fact that all of his teams have been overflowing with nfl talent (including jimbo fishers 2013 national championship team at florida state) luckily for me despite what the nostalgia-driven media says tennessee is not good last years team managed an 8-5 record in the secs easier division this is coming off the back of consecutive losing seasons in 2017 and 2018 much like nebraska and texas tennessee is given the benefit of the doubt year after year just because they were historically contenders i dont care if this game is played at neyland stadium or in another country –– the aggies arent losing prediction: a&m 41 vols 24 week 8: ole miss the rebels are another team that added a new coach this offseason with lane kiffin aka joey freshwater coming to oxford kiffin has a long and storied coaching career despite being only 45 years old kiffin is one of the more fun characters in college football he has continued to fail upwards being given head coaching jobs at usc tennessee and even the oakland raiders despite the fact that he has had next to no success at any of these stops more interesting though are the rumors surrounding kiffin namely that he attempted to pick up co-eds at a boca raton bar under the alias joey freshwater while he was the head coach at florida atlantic and that he slept with nick sabans daughter while at alabama with that being said it seems likely that sorority houses across the country closing down this fall should be enough to slow down kiffins mojo prediction: a&m 52 ole miss 20 week 9: lsu one of the best things about a&m football is how big a single regular-season win can feel the lsu tigers beat a&m seven straight times before the aggies pulled off their remarkable 74-72 seven overtime spectacular this win was so important to a&m that they sold commemorative cups at every home game the following season and displayed the winning score at the reveille gravesite for nearly 9 months it is a game that will certainly be remembered by aggies for decades to come hopefully though the story of last years 50-7 throttling will quickly be forgotten luckily for the aggies lsu lost 15 starters from last years championship team so there should be no talks about aggies having less talent additionally this is exactly the type of game that jimbo fisher is being paid to win by the time this game is played college station will have already devolved into maskless chaos meaning the full power of the 12th man will be in the stands at kyle field prediction: a&m 45 lsu 20 week 10: @ auburn the aggies final test of the season comes when they travel to jordan hare stadium to take on the auburn tigers since joining the sec a&m is 3-1 at jordan hare including an upset of #3 auburn in 2014 however jimbo fisher is 0-2 so far against auburn and has yet to prove that a&m can compete with the best teams in the sec west luckily for the aggies auburn quarterback bo nix isnt good he just isnt good at all yeah sure he is good at running read options and other trick plays gus malzahn is known for drawing up but he just flat out cant throw the ball on top of that auburn has lost a good amount of its starters on the offensive line and the defensive front seven this game looks primed to be the win that convinces a national audience that a&m is a legit contender and didnt just get lucky against alabama and lsu… or it will be the game that makes me put a beer can through my tv prediction: a&m 31 auburn 20 week covid-19: unfortunately despite being the clear favorites to win both the sec and even the national championship its unlikely this team will actually be able to play this season in a twist of cruel irony football will get canceled the one year that was actually our year prediction: a&m 0 covid-19 47 kushing library
on september 10th 2020 at 2:15 pm the texas a&m university police department (upd) received a report of failure to comply with face covering policies and aggravated nicotine usage the incident took place just north of evans library the suspect was asked by a texas a&m university police officer to put on a mask and stop juuling on campus in accordance with new campus-wide face covering policies the suspect responded negatively and pushed the officer off of his segway before receiving high-fives from a surrounding group of white males assumed to be the suspects bros the suspect and his companions all fled the scene on motorized skateboards based on in-depth psychoanalysis the suspect is thought to be in the stem field and harbors a sense of superiority towards liberal arts majors he is also assumed to be a member of a mens organization or fraternity based on his interactions with the abetting group of males forensic evidence points toward the suspect having a nicotine addiction and at least one sexually transmitted disease if you know anyone that fits this description do not hesitate to leave an anonymous tip at 1-800-badguy i took a pill in sbisa
last friday freshman residents in dunn hall reported various accounts of hauntings on the part of a local ghost reports articulate multiple instances of ghost intervention in student affairs in which the spirit of the dead assisted those on the verge of a mental breakdown by writing out solutions to math 142 equations on the dorm walls instead of issuing vile threats tired of school being the main cause of fear and stress to students the unidentifiable ghost recognized the signs of a potential panic attack and used supernatural abilities to solve the most troublesome of problems jacob swan a dunn hall resident realized that he and his roommate were not alone in their dorm room when swan noticed their bathroom mirror fogged after a recent shower was covered in answers to his calculus homework the shower was not the last of the ghosts antics; swan later reported blood dripping down the wall to reveal the worked out proof to question 14 of his chemistry homework swan hopes to reach out to the ghost in hopes of inspiring a relationship in which he may capitalize upon the haunting situation the ghost is predicted to return to normal behavior of drastically changing room temperatures watching students sleep and slamming hall doors before the end of the semester haudi arabia
earlier today the commandant of the corps of cadets general joe ramirez announced that he has added ‘mom as a new addition to his commandants staff ramirez cited numerous facebook groups and activity among the mothers of freshman cadets to justify this new position the mothers on facebook have been a tremendous source of progress and change for us here in the corps of cadets ramirez said hell we already do everything they tell us to so why not give them a position on my staff all of these changes have ensured the new freshmen will not have to face any adversity and will keep our corps numbers strong! said mom writing out a plan to rid the corps of fish cuts and fish spurs initial changes that mom has brought to the corps in 2020 include no running no fish dress for fow no greeting in the hallway no meal time instruction and a plan to cancel corps brass freshman year in the corps is just far too challenging and unacceptable for my baby boy mom said i hope by the fall of next year we can rid ourselves of a traditional fish year in the corps altogether and just give our children the immediate gratification of completing a hard year! when i became commandant i wanted to restore the corps to its former glory ramirez said introducing this new position to my staff will enable me to dodge any blame for future changes to our great corps hiss and tell
this week texas a&m rec sports opened registration for its first-ever intramural zombie fun runs along with several other sports leagues planned for this fall students can register for a series of 5ks featuring real covid-19 victims from other ongoing intramurals like softball and dodgeball according to rec sports the new zombie fun runs will provide a space for students with covid-19 to interact with their healthy peers without having to worry about accidentally spreading their illness despite social distancing concerns rec sports claims that since the fun runs will not be a team sport like the other in-person leagues there is a lower risk of infection when mugdown reporters reached out for comment rec sports representative allison walker said we knew recklessly organizing team athletic events might indirectly cause some untimely demises so we figured we shouldnt let an opportunity like this go to waste according to rec sports website the zombie 5ks will occur weekly and course difficulty will vary every time to accommodate competitors of all skill levels for more information on the difficulty of upcoming runs every week students can visit this website plaid libs
as the semester begins and the likelihood of a covid-19 outbreak on campus mounts texas a&m university employees have secretly been wishing for the first student death to occur before they contract the virus themselves after the university of texas at austin announced that the death of a student (not a university employee) would trigger immediate closure of campus staff and faculty at texas a&m took note local supermarkets have seen an increase in the sales of prayer candles and google search results for how to hex an entire student body are at an all-time high university employees looking to relocate elsewhere have found little success ive been applying for other jobs since march custodian gary houston said but i havent gotten any offers and my savings just ran out with freshmen moving into crowded dorms and off-campus parties starting up again university employees are hopeful that campus will close in the next few weeks maybe i should enroll in an online course so that if i die my life wont be seen as an acceptable price to pay for an in-person fall semester said food service worker quentin holliday ring chunks
after joining a womens organization in addition to her sorority junior public health major kristina sanders recently announced via social media that she will be double majoring in sisterhood sanders a member of the sorority gamma kappa gamma recently joined one of texas a&m universitys women organizations aggie gals as my time in college comes to a close i realized that i was missing out on opportunities to surround myself with girls who encourage me to be philanthropic by obligation sanders said historically members of greek life have avoided joining womens organizations because of their similar purposes however with the growing number of womens organizations that appear on campus each year it is easier than ever for students to pay for friends on campus aggie gals allows its members to raise funds for their philanthropy read by 11th through solicitation over social media and by hosting profit shares at one of three restaurants in the bryan/college station area conveniently gamma kappa gamma utilizes the same three restaurants for their philanthropy write by 12th thank god theres an overlap between membership points in both gamma kappa gamma and gals sanders said its so easy to meet my point requirements with just one street clean-up or fundraising drive while some students think double involvement could potentially put less-involved girls at a disadvantage proponents of the movement say otherwise i dont necessarily think ive taken a spot from another girl who could benefit from a leadership organization like this sanders said if anything they can find a home in one of the lower-tier womens organizations 40 & tow
at the beginning of his 3:15-4:30 engr 111 lecture on thursday dr mitchell dunnagan boldly stated that he has never done this before after spending five minutes figuring out how to begin screen sharing a powerpoint over zoom following the shift to online classes in march many professors have had to adapt to teaching in a hybrid or online setting for the first time in addition to having to learn new technological skills and programs lecturers are being forced to come up with original excuses for their lack of preparation regarding the use of said programs dr dunnagan spent like most of the class talking about how hes never had to teach this class online before because of how important in-person learning is said rory tanner a freshman engineering major tanner went on to explain dunnagans attempts to defend how he had never previously had to use a microphone a webcam or a laptop computer other students have reported dunnagan saying he couldnt be held responsible for any class-related problems students had this semester as he has never done this before and just needs everyone to be flexible flash it back ags
in a strange twist of events freshman josh satter accidentally rushed suspended greek organization fiji this semester after he attempted to join a mysterious astronomy club on campus satters friends told mugdown reporters that satter first encountered the so-called astronomy club at a social event in august encouraged by the astronomy club banner and hoping to share his passion for astrophysics with like-minded students satter approached the hosts and expressed interest in participating in fall recruitment i did think it was kinda weird when josh started wearing a suit to his classes said benton astor satters roommate but i wasnt really concerned until satter started staying out all night to dd for random frat guys he always did his homework and went to bed at like 10 pm before he rushed known as fiji for short phi gamma delta is a greek fraternity that was suspended in november of 2018 by the offices of the dean of student life for violating university hazing and alcohol policies an anonymous source confirmed that fiji regularly operates under an astronomy club alias at events such as tailgates and chilifest although suspended student organizations are prohibited from officially participating in on-campus activities and from exercising privileges afforded to recognized student organizations several suspended organizations are rumored to host events both on-campus and off-campus under pseudonyms after an initial culture shock satter has reportedly adjusted well to life as an astronomy club pledge i helped our social chair host a killer space-themed darty last week satter said my brothers totally helped me understand gravitational force when they made me do two keg stands last night heldenfalls
campus food service company chartwells has announced that they will begin selling adderall to students at aggie express markets around campus today the drug will be available on a trial basis starting with the evans library market the price is expected to be five pills for 25 dollars or one pill in exchange for a retail swipe the chartwells spokesperson who announced the plan cited the high proportion of students who use adderall over time we have observed a change in the patterns of consumption among students the spokesperson said serving customers their preferred products has always been important to our company and we see this as a win-win for students and our business however other voices within chartwells have a different take a disgruntled and anonymous aggie express cashier was quick to point out that chartwells was aware of how much the student body disliked the company and noted that high-level executives had been actively looking for ways to win back the favor of their customer base theres no better way to win back customers that your policies high prices and mediocre food have alienated than getting them addicted to controlled substances the cashier said the university did not respond to a request for a comment on the matter however an internal memo from the office of the dean of student life obtained by the mugdown states that the program has support based on potential increases in grades attendance revenue and student approval of chartwells students seemed enthusiastic when asked about the new item on the shelves i know that chartwells is pretty crummy but they are probably less shady than how i normally get my [sic] addys junior lane shingleton said when asked about how many he would buy shingleton was happy to share i will probably use up most of my retail swipes on adderall i lose my appetite when im on the stuff so ill save money there not to mention lose some weight plus my beer pong game has been off lately so i need all the help i can get to get my edge back practice makes perfect! shouldnt hurt my grades either once the trial phase of a month is over chartwells plans to stock all of their marketplaces on campus with adderall with a goal of completing the rollout by thanksgiving break there are also plans to add adderall to existing vending machines by as early as the next semester cte-walk
in a recent press conference justin sider the director of bryan/college station animal control announced new community guidelines on what to do if you cross paths with a sleeping cadet the guidelines have been released in response to a recent incident in which a texas a&m university student was critically injured after coming into contact with a cadet in evans library cadets are extremely irritable and territorial creatures sider said they need space and a quiet environment given that they are in a state of hibernation most of the day if a cadet attacks you the most effective defensive maneuver is to play dead do not attempt to outrun or out-yell the cadet the injured texas a&m student was reportedly dared by her friends to poke the napping cadet the cadet in question then woke up and bit off the students hand before proceeding to go back to sleep the identity of the female student remains undisclosed but her mother sent out the following warning on facebook to other a&m students: this is not some silly game this is a matter of life or death my daughter could have been killed because of her recklessness dont be another statistic and make smart decisions it has been reported that the corps will not discipline the cadet responsible for this attack general joe e ramirez released a statement defending the cadet saying she should have known better than to poke the sleeping cadet crystal matlab
after facing the hardship of being moved to portables near white creek counseling and psychological services has continued to struggle this year after recently being relocated to central campus and feeling the full weight of being understaffed with students experiencing wait times of up to four weeks for a counseling appointment caps has decided to secure funds by using their allocated space as a hotel where guests may stay in their offices overnight since staffing the student services building to function as a hotel would be expensive caps is having its employees work overtime to serve as concierges and bellhops therapy chairs have been converted to pull-out beds and conference room tables will serve as dining tables the new hotel hopes it can use the buildings pre-existing art pieces to give off an air of elegance and attract upper echelon guests when the university moved us out to west campus i guess they felt really bad said caps counselor darell kimble when they finished the building they spent all kinds of money to pay penance and apologize i wish they had just given us a raise or hired more staff instead despite their original location being replaced by another hotel the student services building has had no trouble securing guests for the fall semester however the hotel has unintentionally secured far more reservations from students than alumni most students that have booked rooms say they are uninterested in the hotel itself i just want a guaranteed time slot that the staff will help me sophomore damien girard said since the wait staff will be counselors i figure i can grab some food and get more help in a meal than i currently do in a month anime sciences
dear diary its day 8 of mandatory quarantine in the sorority house and im already losing it writing in this diary is my last hope before i do something regrettable like when my sorority sisters so kindly posted a mask-free cuddle puddle pic on bid day today i woke up to find out the house chef was quarantined elsewhere and our sams club order hasnt been placed yet our house mom is too busy with her second job trying to teach kindergartners how to read over zoom so for now the only breakfast items i have to eat are some expired uncrustables i hid in the freezer during last years recruitment if i concentrate hard enough the jelly tastes just like the wine i had on my study abroad last summer during my 11:10 french lecture it was my turn to introduce myself to the class just as i unmuted my mic to say bonjour tara talgotta burst into our study room to say her test came back negative ill be honest diary im not sure which test shes talking about but im happy for her since then the only place i have been able to find some peace and quiet was in a shower stall in the communal bathroom normally i would be disgusted but the hair left on the shower walls is the same hair color as that cute guy in sigma phi and its comforting to hope he might text me again after he told me he was taking a shower and then never responded diary if i dont make it out of this quarantine with my sanity i have one message for my fellow students: actually read those emails you get every other day from the university wearing a mask social distancing or just staying at home could save you from the trauma i am experiencing well ive got to run the house boys are trying to escape again see you on the other side darbi deckchee dead pullout society
class councils has announced its decision to hold a special election on the continuation of a t-shirt selling event popularly known as a tradition in making this decision the council is considering the opinions of the 12 percent of students who participate in campus elections traditions being considered for cancellation on the upcoming ballot include fish fest pull out day and ring dance recently class councils voted behind closed doors to remove jr e-walk silencing the voices of the traditions biggest fans i was really looking forward to buying the poorly designed gildan t-shirt that would symbolize my junior year horticulture major kennedy gardner said when asked whether she had planned to attend the event gardner declined to respond with the exception of pull out day class councils sponsored traditions have languished despite multiple failed attempts to reinvent them fish fest has yet to find a consistent location or purpose and ring dance continues to be criticized for its high cost ineffective organization and lack of attendance from students not involved in class councils or the corps of cadets early polling indicates that fish fest is narrowly ahead of ring dance as the next tradition to be axed keaton anderson executive director of class councils said that the 2020 council wants to leave a lasting impact and cancelling a tradition two years in a row would become a tradition in and of itself one thing is for sure: class councils is sticking to its motto that we make traditions happen crygon
last week senior cadet andre barron discovered that he was not contracted to corps of cadets service and could end his membership at any time this discovery came in stark contrast to his long-held opinion that he was being forced into servitude by the repressive organization its been four long years said barron feeling relieved and embarrassed after discovering his inborn freedom barron followed this statement with a short message to his outfits group text in the message he explained to others how to exercise their newfound liberation at press time however barron stated that he would continue his participation in the corps when asked why he would continue barron explained that the opportunities to complain were too valuable to pass up homewrecking crew
chancellor john sharp announced his plans friday to hold a parade to celebrate coach jimbo fishers future college football playoff championship the announcement came one year after fisher was presented with a plaque commemorating this promised championship we know its not a matter of if but rather when sharp said its only fair that current students get a chance to celebrate this momentous achievement while theyre still in school fisher is entering the third year of his ten-year $75 million contract during which he has posted a 17-9 record i wouldnt have taken this job if i didnt think a championship would be the end result fisher said if we cant get the job done in the first decade then im fully prepared to keep extending my contract until we get the outcome we want the parade itself will travel down university drive texas avenue and up through campus ending at kyle field with the unveiling of a new 20__ college football playoffs national championship banner and a trophy presentation ceremony kushing library
last week the fourth horseman of the apocalypse and college freshman death accepted a bid from the fraternity sigma alpha eta while participating in rush throughout august the personification of death received invitations to multiple events from each fraternity and took every opportunity to get to know the actives within each group any of the fraternities would do death said when asked why he chose sigma alpha eta all of them have welcomed me with open arms i just chose one at random ive also been hanging out with the other fraternities guys really im just surprised none of them cared about well yknow death said while gesturing to his all-black garb glowing eyes and 7-foot long scythe the actives in sigma alpha eta have been elated since death announced his decision when asked what they like about the pale rider they all agreed on what his presence does for parties he just really livens things up said scott schultz sigma alpha eta recruitment chair just by hanging around our parties he ups the ante and makes every night one to remember the angel of deaths popularity has even spread to sororities despite him only arriving on campus this summer hes already gotten close with a lot of my sisters said erika linton tri eta vice president of event planning i told them to stay away from him; he seems like the dangerous type but at our last social they were all over him and kept taking pictures with him hes so nice to me and my sisters! said tri eta active tricia figueroa weve become a lot closer since becoming friends with grim he also said he wants to take us to his lake house on the lake of fire i dont know where that is but itll just mean a fun road trip after semi-formal! death said he considered joining the corps of cadets but he decided to hold off after finding out about its full-time staff of non-college students he hopes he can become good friends with cadets through greek life friends later this fall anime sciences
after countless years spent being yelled at during office hours by students hoping to receive points back on tests and assignments math 152 professor john leopard changed his regrading policy this semester instead of allowing students to argue for a higher grade he will instead permit students to challenge him to a duel i used to let students come in during office hours to fight for points through words but the arguments just got way out of hand leopard said i find a physical duel is less harmful to me than their harsh words and tones many students have admitted to desperately submitting multiple regrade requests to gain back one or two lost points despite understanding that they clearly got everything wrong after witnessing professor leopards new daily sword fighting practices students have begun to worry im going to miss being able to go yell at him that my assignment was on time even though the time stamp says three weeks later sophomore julius purple said it is still to be determined whether or not this new strategy for negotiating student grades will be effective in reducing unnecessary requests midnight smell
a new study conducted by transportation services has shown that despite visible signage indicating otherwise parking garages on campus are full for everyone except you the study was conducted over a period of two semesters to most accurately mimic the length of time any particular student will have an in-demand pass such as cain or koldus findings show that even when the bright neon sign reads full there will be a space reserved especially for you inside the garage transportation services recommends pulling your ford f-150 as tightly as possible into the ticketing area the large sign that says the garage is full will apply to everyone except you so you are advised to disregard it completely if you are able to back up traffic by eight cars or more the ticketing machine will understand the urgency of your passage and permit entry this maneuver is most successful in the ten minutes before class starts particularly when it is raining outside ring chunks
amid constant changes for the upcoming fall semester 2020 freshmen leadership organization (flo) executives are worried that incoming freshmen will attach their self-worth elsewhere on campus concerns increased considerably after fish camp decided to move sessions online fish camp counselors are historically our best recruiters said antony lech a representative from the freshman leadership advisory council its important that we overwhelm them as early as possible and fish camp does that for us free of charge fish camp sessions only recently concluded so it is too soon to predict how these changes will affect application numbers flos usually receive thousands of applications annually but this number fluctuates depending on how many freshmen find out about other organizations existences before arriving on campus some former flo members are also troubled by the freshmen class sense of identity becoming less dependent on flo involvement it would be tough enough to lose freshmen to greek life or academic clubs lech said what if freshmen come in with a strong sense of self and end up not needing us at all if freshmen dont join a flo what else are they gonna bring up unprompted in the first five minutes of conversation asked sierra fields a former member of freshmen engineers encouraging tradition what will they put in their insta bio aggie faceplant
following a spike in covid-19 cases in texas impact staff announced last friday that their retreat would take place fully online fish camp director staff made a similar decision on june 26th when they announced that fish camp would take place virtually this year despite both fish camp and impact counselors protesting the digital transition these changes indicate texas a&m university administration has officially deemed counselors non-essential before fish camp decided to go online director staff had clarified in announcements that camp activities would follow cdc guidelines while many incoming freshmen felt uncomfortable with the health risks their fears were quickly quenched by counselors filling out a risk-mitigation form many counselors feel like less valued members of the aggie community since the announcement sure go online if you can find someone who can do what i can do said dan silva one of over 1 000 fish camp 2020 counselors some counselors expressed concern that all orientation experiences were going to be canceled entirely and are relieved it will be taking place at all i just posted partner reveal pictures last week said angela stafford a first-year impact counselor do you know how dumb i would look if it were canceled now to accommodate for missed photo opportunities some counselors have developed a sign-up sheet for carpools to lakeview and latham springs throughout the rest of the summer in addition due to social distancing guidelines counselors now can count a singular check-in text with no follow-up each week as sufficient continuity while counselors are struggling with the transition online co-chairs have had different feelings i already got several years out of this said fish camp co-chair bruno coble going online just makes it easier for me to be drunk at camp unsolicited dunk pic & anime sciences
texas a&m students and faculty were chastised for their bigoted behavior in a campus-wide email sent by president michael k young earlier this week today the announcement was inspired by several instances where a&m students directed racist and xenophobic remarks towards other a&m students on various social media and telecommunication platforms after several students shared their experiences with racism on campus via the twitter hashtag #hateisthehiddencorevalue many of these incidents reportedly occurred on zoom a software platform that allows professors to host online lectures and conduct distance learning during the covid-19 pandemic aggies behaving like this on a public platform just isnt okay anymore said katherine clarke director of the division of marketing and communication many of us often dont personify the a&m core values but at least those lapses are in private and can be swept under the rug but to be seen publicly contradicting the principles we talk about at fish camp and on our website and then never mention again unacceptable president young decided an email to the texas a&m community concerning racism was necessary after becoming aware of the recent negative press that kind of behavior cannot be tolerated young said as soon as i saw the reports tweets i knew i had to discuss the importance of not being racist i think if we continue talking about these important issues in emails well have the same progressive movement we saw when we decided to end sexual assault last year this is an issue that must be confronted and it deserves a response that cannot be ignored the effort made by president young was met with mixed reactions from the students jessica charles a senior political science major found the mild condemnation inhibitory of her freedom of speech so first they tell us we cant ‘boo and now we cant say racial slurs either charles said if i wanted to be held accountable for my racism i would have gone to tu conservative campus groups have released plans to hold a demonstration to reportedly protect free speech and campus heritage similarly campus diversity groups also have a rally planned for next week saturday to express their displeasure with the universitys response to the incidents and racisms presence on campus both events will be held on zoom in front of the statue of confederate general sul ross broken reed arena
following nationwide action taken in response to the murder of george floyd and countless other unarmed black people by police texas a&m university posted an official statement committing to end racism on all platforms except the block of granite in academic plaza trying to break away from a history of segregation and klansmen texas a&m has attempted to create accountability for racist actions both on and off campus although not entirely successful the initiative has demonstrated remarkable commitment to eradicating racism as long as the statue of lawrence sullivan ross in academic plaza is left untouched im so proud of texas a&m for declaring that racism is bad racism is soooooo bad i hate racists said karla stuart a senior engineering major but not him sure he was a confederate general but he was just fighting for states rights who cares if those rights were primarily to enslave human beings everybody makes mistakes instead of being preserved in a museum or exhibit the statue continues to be an active part of campus life while other grim reminders of the universitys past such as klansman robes are kept in university archives the statue is not contextualized by so much as an informational plaque nor is its models history wholly acknowledged when explained to visitors instead it is a popular tradition to place good luck offerings at the feet of the former university president and white supremacist you have to look at historical monuments like this in context one anonymous student said if i had been born in a time where black people were subject to brutality and systematic oppression id probably be racist too broken reed arena & ring chunks
campus preachers announced this week they will be offering a house call preaching service to students due to the ongoing outbreak of covid-19 preachers such as brother jed have stated that house calls will be the best substitute since students unfortunately cannot converge to listen to their message i dont think its ideal but quite frankly its the best we can do said preacher brother seymour either we roll out a house call preaching service or these students go without their weekly fire-and-brimstone message supporters have said that the service will allow students to be harassed and called heathens in a manner that adheres to social distancing standards we think students will be very pleased with our service preacher will clambett said its designed to simulate the feeling of being berated by a preacher on military walk or in rudder plaza the level of immersion is incredible one student randy abrams said he cant wait to use the service you know when i think about all the things im missing this semester due to the pandemic i dont find myself longing for nights at northgate or baseball games at olsen field abrams said instead i yearn to be told im going to hell by a preacher on my way to class that level of belittlement is just something i cant get at home trust me ive tried! as to when the service will be available the spokesperson for 1-800-brimstone stated that they hope to be operational by the end of the month the service will cost around 25 dollars an hour but texas a&m university students can receive a 10 percent discount with an active student id pols dancer
according to insider sources the corps of cadets is altering the cadet management system (cms) to make it accessible to bootchasers and boot investors we believe this change will encourage cadets to maintain physical fitness standards said general joe ramirez commandant of the corps of cadets the added pressure of the opposite sex viewing everything about you from your weight and physical address to your mothers phone number will be an incentive for higher achievement in the corps of cadets even during a quarantine changes to the system will include adding photographs of cadets in and out of uniform listing their proximity and turn-ons and uploading photos of the cadets boots (if applicable) users can choose one of two options: gig me by swiping right or punch by swiping left cadets will be scored on how many gig me swipes they achieve earning demerits if gig me quotas are not met the corps is also debating a supergig alternative where bootchasers can notify their favorite cadet they are available for marriage within the next year every student receives one supergig for free each month but users can choose to subscribe to cms plus for extra supergigs the outfit that receives the most supergigs within a month receives all profits made from that months subscriptions to donate to march of dimes in order to reach these quotas some outfits have gone to extreme measures the fightin texas aggie band has begun sharing music on soundcloud and has adopted new songs into their repertoire such as isnt she lovely drops of jupiter sexy back and beautiful soul in an attempt to woo the more musically inclined ladies members who play saxophone are oiling up and learning frank sinatras greatest hits several cadets have begun posting their self-tanning experiences on tiktok and touting freshly tweezed brows on their zoom lectures though the pandemic retired fish-cut standards some outfits are requiring freshman cadets to adopt man bun looks to appeal to users with alternative tastes in addition to a strict new workout routine outfits have also been consuming mass amounts of protein powder and have had their mothers alter their uniforms so the khaki fabric will cling tighter to their sculpted cadet bodies when they return in the fall thanks & gingham & anime sciences
one of the most beloved traditions at texas a&m university is getting engaged under the century tree legend holds that those who get engaged there will stay together forever with students encouraged to leave campus for the remainder of the semester however few are left to continue the tradition its just a really confusing time for all of us trying to make sure our girlfriends get their ‘ring by spring said a senior cadet when asked about the recent dip in engagements for seniors this semester was our last opportunity to propose before graduating and im in shock that ill no longer get that chance while some are worried about the timing of the proposal others are more concerned with the stability of a marriage not initiated under the famous arching branches how am i supposed to ensure that i stay married forever if i cant propose underneath the century tree said senior matteo adams i just dont think i could go into a marriage without the sacred protection the century tree provides while some relationships prospects are bleak students hope that true love and engagements will prevail as classes start back up in the fall hannibal lechner
with texas a&m universitys transition to online classes grading standards have reportedly become increasingly lax students in the universitys most notoriously difficult classes are now finding it difficult to fail and students in less rigorous coursework are finding themselves with a similarly lighter workload while a blessing to some it is proving to be an area of concern for others ive been taking the same dumb creative arts class for a year and a half now and i didnt plan on changing that said todd collins a fifth-year business major despite his best efforts collins is on track to receive his degree this summer collins plan for a failing grade was thwarted by the administrations new policies to benefit those most affected by the conditions of quarantine collins claims he was never made aware of these changing policies a fact verified by the 32 000 unread emails on his student email account the ongoing crisis is throwing off the five-year plans of tens of students in addition to the stress of inadvertent graduation these new regulations also threaten to expose vulnerable students like collins to the job market walton texas ranger
lieutenant colonel jeff gardner announced this morning that parsons mounted cavalry would not be able to fire the spirit of 02 a 76mm field gun at this seasons football games it seems that in this virus panic someone went and bought up all the ammunition our gun uses said gardner all of our normal sources are completely out of stock gardner went on to say that due to the very low number and the heavily regulated nature of privately owned artillery pieces the suppliers lacked the means to produce enough ammunition to meet current demand jebidiah walker a navasota resident recently received a large order for said shells i saw everyone getting all worked up about this virus so i decided to stock up on the essentials in case this thing goes sideways walker said when asked what he could ever hope to do with hundreds of artillery shells he replied you never know the cavalry has promised to fire the cannon twice per touchdown in the fall of 2021 to make up for the hiatus in the meantime the cannon blast is to be replaced by popping a brown paper bag into a microphone hazed and confused
with the recent movement of organization-related activities to a strictly online format fish camp has reported a surge in burnout among its chairs the decline in staff morale has reportedly resulted due to the decision from director staff to report weekly updates on fish camps official instagram account rather than during meetings involving the organizations leaders it is tough trying to remain positive when my counselors ask me if fish camp will be held this year said one fish camp chair who wished to remain anonymous i can only keep lying to their faces for so long before it takes a toll fish camp staff has been encouraged to host bonding activities over zoom to make up for interaction that would have happened in person this semester i can only play pictionary so many times before my counselors become bored said the chair we tried to host a vulnerability activity for our counselors over zoom last weekend but my partner and i were the only ones that cried director staff has implored chairs to continue to keep spirits high as the organization waits for a decision from texas a&m universitys leadership regarding the possibility of fish camp moving online they already put themselves through a month-long process of sleep deprivation and deteriorating mental health during counselor review said fish camp head director bradley borland the least they could do is act like all that work wasnt for nothing fish camp has stated that even if they cannot hold the orientation camp at lakeview methodist conference center some form of fish camp will be held online in the event of an online move director staff reported freshmen will be paired up with remaining counselors by an algorithm that sorts students by sexual preference political party identification religious background and major 40 & tow
a student claiming that mays business school has prepared them to one day be an executive officer failed their accounting exam yesterday afternoon after two hours of intense studying they were disappointed to discover the test material was not in fact common sense in an interview with the mugdown this corporate hopeful explained that the aggie network would get them a summer internship an easy feat considering their 26 gpa and lack of communication skills confident in the connections their parents have built through a lifetime of hard work they are sure that an opportunity will present itself eventually following the interview the future best buy manager chose to host a wine night rather than participate in a group meeting for a project that would determine their graduation status dont let school get in the way of college said the corporate prodigy after watching netflix in place of a zoom lecture mugdown staff
dear diary what a week its been it looks like im not the only one who will be graduating this spring a few days ago my dad decided he graduated from the facebook college of medicine while my mom received a degree from the zoom school of politics every afternoon dad shuffles through about ten coronavirus-related meme pages while mom gets the breaking news updates from her neighborhood video chat each night at the dinner table i get an accurate update on political and world news i just cant believe the ‘c in covid-19 stands for china mom said tonight you know when you compare the number of infections to the number of heart attacks in the last three months this whole thing just seems like a wash dads expertise has been lighting up the family text chat with an equal balance of misleading graphs and poorly constructed memes if there is a downward trend bar graph or a bra mask photo its getting sent to the family dont worry though; their sources are always reliable mom said that ms mckinzie down the street used to volunteer at the animal shelter and is still good friends with a veterinarian who says this whole thing should blow over by mid-may it used to be so much fun refuting my parents but ive kind of let that go they just hit me with more misleading statistics and facebook posts until its time for my mid-afternoon nap hell… i hope ms mckinzie is right and we are out of this soon im not sure how many more days i can survive getting asked over breakfast which i value the economy or elderly people more until my next rant darbi deckchee maroon gloat
like many texas a&m students reveille returned home this month to be with her family and finish her spring semester at her childhood puppy farm in addition to the current global health crisis the purebred family of reveille ix has been struggling with health problems for years many family members suffer from diseases such as collie eye anomaly (cea) an untreatable genetic defect that impacts the majority of rough collies rendering them blind despite this the family shows no sign of slowing down their breeding plans as they strive to be the first to have two offspring bearing the title of reveille you could say were a pretty tight-knit family said a family member of reveille scratching skin lesions from a lifetime of autoimmune issues i think the fact that we were all cousins before we had litters together just brings us closer which is something i think we all need right now though reveille has yet to show any signs of illness or disease she has had other issues according to classmates having to help out her family has negatively affected miss revs already poor grades as she is struggling in her public speaking course reveille has reportedly filed for s/u grading for the course citing her university-funded ventriculocordectomy for her underperformance when the mugdown reached out she was unable to comment plaidlibs
across texas christian camp counselors are collectively blowing the dust off their bibles and chacos in preparation for an amazing summer of traumatizing gay youth in the woods elsewhere campers are reportedly excited about their upcoming time at camp not realizing that a one-week summer camp that their parents signed them up for may become the single most traumatic event of their pubescent lives many tweens caught between their developing feelings for the same sex and their faith are eagerly packing their sleepaway bags honestly i just cant wait to meet my campers said sarah godwine a counselor at t bar m camps whose continued profession of absolute faith in traditional marriage and biblical gender roles will unwittingly scar at least one campers psyche nearly beyond repair i feel so blessed to get to share jesus everlasting love with these kids guiding my freshmen through their journey in christ and college is so rewarding said bruce piper a counselor for impact ministries his basic group will enable incoming lgbt freshmen to stay connected to friends they know will likely never accept them due to the explicit anti-gay bias built into camp time im really hoping i get to see jacob again said george wilcox a fourteen-year-old boy whose inaugural makeout session with a fellow male camper was the highlight of camp last year ring chunks & hullakazoo
according to bloomberg news oil prices have dropped to below $20/barrel for the first time in over 18 years this has posed a significant hardship on texas a&m university as officials attempt to recover lost revenue due to less profitable oil production texas a&m brings in millions of dollars every year from 21 million acres of state-granted west texas oil-rich land that is valued at $3 billion in this fiscal quarter alone texas a&m has suffered heavy losses in the tens of millions of dollars due to lack of oil revenue leaving campus infrastructure and operations vulnerable to make up for losses from the turbulent market the following petroleum industry professionals are cutting costs by rescinding their bids for building namesakes: john r blocker (blocker building) ernest l wehner (wehner building) george mitchell (mitchell physics building) sybil b harrington (harrington education complex) michel t halbouty (halbouty geosciences) hb zachry (zachry engineering building) bill haynes (civil engineering building) joe c richardson (petroleum engineering building) jack e brown (chemical engineering building) robert justus kleberg (kleberg animal & food sciences) many of these individuals are deceased and are being financially represented by their loved ones in a desperate attempt to recover educational funds texas a&m officials sent an email to former and current students encouraging them to pony up millions of dollars in exchange for the right to rename a building on campus stating that for the reasonable price of $10 million you can hoist your family name on the academic building of your choice according to texas a&m officials buildings with no name will be appropriately referred to as your name here #1 through 9 crystal matlab
in the wake of a global pandemic many are forced indoors and some companies are profiting from the extreme changes to day-to-day life one company zoom video communications has expanded its reach significantly overnight many went from having never heard of the name zoom to not being able to receive an email without one of their links in it given its growing popularity texas a&m university officials clarified last wednesday that they had already been using zoom far before the covid-19 pandemic this is hardly surprising considering the universitys historically innovative track record with technology seen through its on-campus wi-fi system that never falters as well as its reliable state-of-the-art online class site ecampus we used zoom when it was still underground president michael k young said honestly i liked it more before it was popular now its just not the same when even your grandma is using it given the universitys ashton kutcher-like tech foresight the switch to online classes was light work it was discovered that one introverted sociology professor hubert reynolds had already embraced zoom early on the university had me teaching in-person classes but given my fears i chose to conduct my in-person classes over zoom reynolds said eventually i was discouraged by the amount of vaping and pjs i saw and i retired shortly thereafter reports also indicate that texas a&m has begun moving much of the remaining sanitation budget for residence halls towards investing in virtual reality the world has already latched on to the one thing that showed we were ahead of the times said head researcher of the project pavel gujrati we are doing the utmost to make sure we can host one of the most integral parts of student life in virtual reality: college football with this project in motion texas a&m has been able to guarantee that regardless of the scope of the pandemic america can rest assured that we will have aggie football unsolicited dunk pic and clockwork maroon
this past friday sophomore civil engineering major jane dorne broke shelter-in-place protocol to meet up with junior computer science major ralph johnston the two met on popular dating app tinder the week before and decided to have a romantic rendezvous dorne and johnston met at johnstons one-bedroom apartment in lieu of a public setting to both minimize the chance of contracting covid-19 and avoid giving off the impression that either was looking for a relationship at this time the two fully accepted the risk of contracting the coronavirus claiming that the absence of human contact scared them more despite johnston having a crippling nicotine addiction and dornes habit of smoking cigarettes when drunk both maintain that they are healthy young adults with little risk of developing more serious symptoms of covid-19 dorne left for johnstons apartment around 9 pm and returned to her apartment at 2:30 am much to the dismay of her roommate elizabeth velasquez at the beginning of the covid-19 outbreak velazquez held a discussion with dorne and asked her to avoid bringing romantic partners to the apartment and to take social distancing seriously according to velazquez dorne took the conversation as a personal attack and accused the immunocompromised velasquez of impeding her freedom dorne stands by her opinion that the interaction was considered social distancing its not like we were even being social dorne said we barely said a word to each other i took a pill in sbisa
due to covid-19 and the suspension of in-person classes for the spring 2020 semester many students have moved back home with their families indefinitely joe mcconnell a freshman english major has reported that his new roommates are kind of weird and old joes new roommates beth and steve mcconnell have been married for 19 years and are in their late fifties on their roommate selection form they have described themselves as fun and chill not okay with drugs and alcohol morning birds neat freaks and having traditional values theyre freaks im telling you they have a single glass of wine with dinner and then switch to water mcconnell said i used to try to be considerate when my roommate wanted me out of the dorm so he could have sex but now it just feels weird when my dad asks me to leave mcconnell has announced his plans to communicate better with his new roommates and to loop grandma in for conflict resolution if any further issues arise ring chunks
with students taking classes from home texas a&m faculty members have been asked by the mugdown to give an update about how they are coping with working from home i really enjoy waking up every morning and having a cup of coffee while i pretend my zoom and wi-fi are broken so i dont have to give office hours your math 141 ta this just gives me another reason not to have to socialize with students and now i dont even have to pretend to care about all the events put on by organizations! president michael k young i miss my students dearly normally i can go to campus and tell my jokes and quips for students in class but on zoom all i hear back is silence my wife isnt even amused anymore! your eccentric but funny architecture professor students arent on campus the professor of the class no one goes to after the first week milidairy walk
this past week texas a&m university announced plans to cancel all of its well-known traditions with the exception of xenophobia this announcement was met with relief from students i understand canceling events for the safety of the community said sophomore chelsea keysar but ideology has never hurt anyone and its not like were committing hate crimes were just placing the blame for this terrible pandemic where it belongs: those bat-eating asians the decision to continue one of texas a&ms most deeply-rooted traditions was an easy one for faculty and staff we have already asked students to sacrifice so much for the wellbeing of their community said derek kirken director of student life racism seemed like the easiest thing to keep around the last thing we want is for the students to feel like we have taken away everything that makes aggieland feel like aggieland georgia khan president of one of the universitys many asian heritage celebration clubs expressed no surprise yeah sounds about right khan said racism against asians often goes unnoticed because it tends to be less violent but ive heard the things other students say about foreign professors as well as students and seen how they treat them however khan is still disappointed i guess id hoped for better from a school so well-known for its research than to blindly buy into a stereotype without exercising any form of critical thinking president michael k young has made no official comment yet but has assured concerned individuals that he has a campus-wide email in his drafts broken reed arena
although tempted to cheat on his mgmt 209 exam junior mason trife showed unparalleled respect for the aggie honor code by taking his online exam without the use of any outside resources upon logging in to ecampus trife discovered that his exam was not proctored thankfully trife had 15 minutes until the exam opened giving him the chance to review his notes and textbook one last time before testing his knowledge of the subject trifes dumbstruck roommate reported that trife dutifully put away his notes and textbook and began taking the exam using only his brain even on the questions he did not know trife reportedly resisted the urge to open his notes and textbook and even avoided opening a new tab to google the answer instead he proceeded as if it was a regular exam and did his best despite these heroic acts of integrity trife says he sees himself as an ordinary student im just doing what is right as a student and as an aggie trife said by cheating im only hurting my ability to learn longboard of regents
counseling and psychological services (caps) announced saturday that they will begin offering a bi-monthly therapy group for aggies who feel they have fallen victim to womens manipulation the new simps anonymous program will help members build self-confidence and work through dependency issues as an institution built upon the idea of helping aggies deal with potentially painful or taboo issues caps is very excited to offer this new seminar the program has also garnered a significant amount of controversy from the student body ive only been able to talk with a caps counselor about the passing of my mother once a month said sophomore economics major greg martindale there are already precious few employees in the department so im a little confused about their priorities the first step to recovery is admitting you have a problem said caps counselor morton newcamp if students can see that they have peers going through the same struggle as them then it makes overcoming these issues that much easier the inaugural group is set to meet at the start of next month and will be open to the first 15 students who sign up kushing library
this past monday university officials announced the designation of the prominent reveille gravesite as a canine body farm to further research on animal abuse the gravesite currently contains the decomposing remains of eight dogs despite the efforts of some cadets to smite her with a car in 1931 the first reveille died in 1944 her burial began the tradition of entombing dead dogs just north of kyle field every subsequent reveille has been buried on campus with the others in an occult ritual that will confuse archaeologists in thousands of years body farms are highly associated with college campuses in the united states prior to 2020 the only four body farms in the united states were located at the university of tennessee western carolina university texas state university and sam houston state university texas a&ms canine body farm will be the fifth in the nation and the first to focus solely on canines body farms serve a niche purpose by allowing researchers to study how decomposition progresses under unique circumstances such as homicide or other unusual deaths for example a donated body may be wrapped in a tarp and left in the woods over a controlled period of time researchers will then use that body as a reference model for establishing the time of death of victims found in similar environmental conditions at texas a&ms canine body farm researchers will be studying the grueling effects of forcing reveilles to watch the aggies lose season after season the scoreboard was initially installed as a way for the deceased first ladies to keep a watchful eye on their boys in 2019 texas a&m universitys institutional review board (irb) concluded that watching the scoreboard during a 7-5 season constitutes animal abuse were grateful for the sacrifice of these eight dogs researcher henry jacobson said their commitment in life and in death to preventing animal abuse is commendable on the day of the body farm dedication though i did notice reveille ix looking kind of nervous ring chunks
with the recent implementation of social distancing policies physical touch has taken a back seat to virtual communication for some this has spurred feelings of isolation and a yearning for a hug from their friends for others most notably the lgbt community at texas a&m university the decline of physical gestures in greeting has come as a relief anytime i see one of my straight friends at northgate or just on campus they always go for the hug said mckinley hayes an out texas a&m junior this would be fine but i try to bro-out with them and go for the handshake-hug combo it just ends awkwardly for everyone im glad this pandemic has given me a reprieve from these uncomfortable encounters with my straight friends it has been revealed that the ambiguity of sexual orientation plays a major role in male-male interactions straight members of fish camp mens organizations the corps of cadets and byx tend to throw their heteronormative rules out the window with their gay friends opting for a hug instead of the classic bro handshake i have a lot of gay friends said andrew webber a member of an undisclosed mens organization i dont know why i dont bro-out with them if they arent involved in an all-male organization on campus i guess i basically just see them as women student members of the lgbtq+ pride center could not be reached for comment; however it appears this relief runs deep throughout the texas a&m gay community it remains to be seen how this extended social distancing period will impact the dynamics of gay/straight male friendships crygon
dear diary i havent seen you in like 10 years i probably wouldnt have found you if i wasnt using my old bookshelf as a makeshift graveyard for my deep eddys collection looking back at some of these old diary pages from my childhood i realize that not much has actually changed i used to fill this book with emotional breakdowns about boys and stress but now ive just shifted that over to my finsta high school musical is still an all-time favorite movie of mine but i have noticed some major plot holes youre telling me the girl who unironically calls her boyfriend wildcat gets into stanford troy follows his high school sweetheart to college and the relationship ends well i dont buy it i guess some things are different though waking up at 11:00 am in my childhood bedroom to see kevin jonas staring at me condescendingly from my old camp rock poster is rather depressing hes wearing straight bangs and a scarf at a summer camp and hes judging me i also used to love playing with doctor barbie and pretending i had just graduated from med school now that bitch seems passive-aggressive because i had to switch majors from biology to allied health it looks as though i complained a lot about school here like… a lot geez how hard could fourth grade have been like on page 22 i questioned why we even need school when we already have google and disney 411 later on page 39 i wished everyone stayed home all day and did nothing but eat and sleep oh sister i hope youre pleased with the shit you manifested i wont go into much detail but maybe hold on to that bundle of toilet paper instead of using it to roll kaceys ex-boyfriends house well… thats it for today dad just realized thirty minutes into his zoom meeting that he is talking into photo booth and hes calling me in for tech support lay off the easy-bake oven darbi deckchee aggie faceplant & maroon gloat
due to the recent transition to recorded lectures and zoom office hours some students at texas a&m university have gotten an uncommon glimpse into the personal lives of their professors apparently the professors that students usually reduce to talking heads are seemingly normal people with actual homes and families the first time i saw professor loughty sitting in his home it was a real eye-opener said junior university studies major jared davis when he brought his newborn on screen it made it hard to maintain the vision of him as this evil person out to ruin my gpa and deprive me of free time for many students who have little to occupy their time the realization that professors may have a life outside of their students has come as a welcome distraction some are even considering attending office hours and getting to know the people behind the tests in a recent poll students were found to respect their professors 74 percent more than before the online transition took place though results also show that 89 percent of students also felt more distracted the university is currently trying to find a way to address this unprecedented cultural shift weeb king gill
earlier today landon schultzs 8-year-old copy of the book thief received a welcome surprise: shultz was tracing his fingers along the books spine again over its lifetime the book had only been flipped through once for a seventh grade book report since then the novels prospects for providing its owner with carnal knowledge once more seemed dim shultz touch however was charged with desire renewing the spark between the two schultz grasped the book in his strong hands and gazed at it with longing eyes after a few euphoric minutes spent softly fingering through the first couple chapters the sparkle in shultz eyes gradually dimmed his attention faded and the book was left once again to collect dust on the shelf of shultz childhood bedroom after realizing its unfortunate naivety the book doesnt know what else it expected sources close to the mugdown report that it is typical of shultz never to last longer than a few minutes squat pilgrim
after weeks of sitting in the corner of his bedroom and covering every surface in the vicinity henry fritzmahers clothes have been folded the student reported that this was an uncommon occurrence ive been putting this off ever since my first load of laundry after winter break fitzmaher said not for any particular reason ive just not done it fitzmaher told mugdown reporters that folding three months worth of laundry gave him something to do besides refreshing social media or sleeping since this quarantine has begun ive been incredibly bored i thought i had run out of things to do around the house when all of a sudden i noticed my admittedly massive pile of clothes spilling from my hamper fitzmaher said i realized folding my laundry was probably the only thing left to do that i hadnt been doing all day for the past week so i decided id give it a go it was the most fun i had all week when asked if he would take on other chores with his newfound free time the student scoffed listen im bored but not bored enough to vacuum or clean my bathroom fitzmaher said if that happens we will have really been in trouble cte-walk
last week transportation services announced their route efficiencies have improved by 200 percent as no buses were reported late to any stops this improvement is said to have been significantly influenced by the ongoing regulations due to the spread of covid-19 this was a monumental milestone for transportation services due to the growing need for maintaining a reliable bus system directors have been puzzled for months on how to adapt campus transit to the growth of the university fortunately this drastic change has brought a solution directly to them perhaps the most significant change with these regulations is the decrease in student population due to the university moving to online classes with the majority of students living back home and not requiring the use of transportation services productivity numbers have been breaking all previously set records limits have also been placed on the number of students allowed to ride a single bus justifying a bus drivers decision to pass students waiting at bus stops when asked for a comment on the new improvement transportation services released the following statement: had we known that a pandemic would solve our route time issues we would have caused a global shutdown much sooner we look forward to seeing even more improvements during this time it is unclear at this time whether or not transportation services will act to maintain this level of productivity once students return to campus in the fall longboard of regents
another semester has flown by which means its time once again to say goodbye to our own graduating senior members just as one anxiously waits for the next bit of our content to reach the public so have these friends of ours been waiting to be made known to the world their time contributing to the mugdown is coming to an end but the legacy and satire they leave behind will live on congratulations to our graduating seniors!
1 the smell of grad students heating an assortment of foods in the hallway every day at noon an aroma of fragrances combines around the communal microwave in one whiff a passerby can experience lo mein leftover taco bell and meal-prepped chicken and asparagus all at once 2 the smell of a musty rain-soaked cadets uniform even though using an umbrella is allowed the cadets are still too hard to do it 3 the smell of food in a study area where it never belonged you know the horrific moment when someone opens their panda express container and fills the peaceful study area with the vivid smell of inauthentic chinese cuisine 4 the smell of that guy who silently farts 10 minutes into lecture every monday and wednesday at exactly 9:20 am 5 the smell behind sbisa it combines the scent of the plant across the street pollution and mass-produced food sort of like if a sewer and a french fry had a love child 6 the smell of vomit and flat beer at a ring dunk this backyard will never be the same 7 the smell of your friend trying to be joanna gaines when people come over are there cookies in the oven is this a volcano candle do you always have babys breath in a mason jar on the table 8 the smell of aggie spirit sweating onto every cloth surface most notably on the cloth seats of the aggie spirit bus itself the dixie wiccan
now that youve been stuck inside for a few weeks there have probably been several restful moments you wouldnt usually get the chance to enjoy this quiz will tell you if this change of pace has been a positive out-of-the-ordinary experience or if you are just a total loser who is too afraid to put themselves out of their comfort zone [qsm quiz=1] anime sciences
are you concerned your corps boyfriend could be cheating on you here are 5 signs that hes a no-good cheater! 1 he wakes up and leaves your house early in the morning if he leaves your house at 5:00 am after spending the night there on a weeknight he is definitely up to no good 2 he has meetings every afternoon with his outfit while we can agree that the corps of cadets is a real time-suck theres no way that hes actually busy with the corps every weekday afternoon! 3 he calls other girls he sees maam so what if its his superior in his corps outfit if he calls her maam you know that theyre definitely sleeping in the same rack 4 he works out with other girls in the corps they say couples that workout together stay together… so then why is he running every morning with that girl in his outfit 5 you caught him in the act of displaying physical or emotional intimacy with another cadet this is a big one if you catch him cheating on you with a wag he probably is! milidairy walk
ska or seniors kicking ass is a mindset that seniors have where they allow themselves to accomplish whatever they set their mind to before its too late the mugdown wants to promote the seniors of aggieland and their greatest accomplishments so here are the top 5 ska moments of 2020! 1) ernie logan plays with freshmen at the rec to prep them for future intramurals! 2) elma wyatt holds a banner to promote her 5k its the best $25 youll ever spend just to be reminded of how out of shape you are! 3) derek jankins gives back to his community through the big event after all its the permanent residents that are inconveniencing the college population 4) sally cunningham makes masks so the children of our future can continue to be just that 5) mallory holmes and friends refuse to study for a test and soak in their last semester of college wehner dog
ever wonder how your enneagram type ranks compared to the rest this list will help you find out! type 1 – the reformer type 2 – the helper type 3 – the achiever type 4 – the individualist type 5 – the investigator type 6 – the loyalist type 7 – the enthusiast type 8 – the challenger type 9 – the peacemaker longboard of regents
are you debating applying for graduate programs weve devised a fun little series of questions to help you make an easy well-informed and stress-free decision! quiz: what are your career goals do you have student loans from your undergraduate degree will a graduate degree increase your earning potential do you really think going to grad school is going to make you happy do you realistically think any grad program is going to want you are you okay are you afraid of realizing that you have no goals in life outside of a carefully constructed degree plan how do you feel about the idea of waking up every morning for the rest of your life to slave away under a system of corporate exploitation do you want to pursue the idealistic dream of contributing to society or do you feel like youre ready to just get a job at an insurance firm $30 000 $50 000 maybe even $100 000 in debt is money even real at that point are you simply trying to outrun your fear of turning into your parents does grad school allow you to live out your wildest fantasies of actually being good at something will another degree finally make your family respect you will it make your grandfather who got his phd to avoid going to vietnam feel like youre actually trying to succeed in life just like people did in the good old days are you ready to endure two to six years of feeling like you are so underqualified in comparison to your equally self-conscious peers that you dont even have the right to contribute in class discussions are you ready to possibly destroy any amount of joy you previously felt for this subject oh so you want to be a professor are you prepared to enter an academic job market where underpaid and overworked associate professorships have replaced almost all tenured positions are you still okay did you click on this quiz because you wanted us to validate your terrible life choices anyways the maroon scare and ring chunks are excited to announce their commitment to [redacted] graduate programs for fall 2020 we look forward to seeing you there! the maroon scare & ring chunks
the texas a&m corps of cadets biggest secret has finally been revealed and you wont believe who theyve been contracted by! recently leaked text messages between general joe e ramirez and michael k young have revealed that the corps of cadets is an extension of the boy scouts of america touted by the bsa as a continuity program for peons who cant operate without rules and meaningless awards the corps proudly continues to churn out young men and women of valor who have no ability to self-motivate it has also been revealed that the corps will be offering new ribbons a continuation of merit badges ribbons will be awarded for all sorts of fun new activities like stamp collecting gardening and reading in the hopes of encouraging cadets to develop a wide array of neat and equally meaningless skills awards will also be developed for specific outfits cadets in e-2 can look forward to earning ribbons for dog care cadets in band outfits can work to earn young mozart ribbons and cadets in squadron 17 can enroll in special courses that will teach them the names of the women on the challenger rocket earning them an award for basic historical knowledge rewarding cadets for participation in menial tasks is a proud tradition at texas a&m university that will continue so long as the brave men and women in uniform can read and write at a basic level flash it back ags
5 anything but a veoride – if you tried to put a bike on top of the academic building you would look like a lame copycat consider instead all the new things the cool kids are stacking! 4 your aggie ring – want to get the perfect shot for your instagram using portrait mode to capture the wide view of aggieland from the top of the academic building is sure to attract followers on social media! your ring deserves a glamour shot like no other and this is the best way to show off how many hours you have 3 your roommate – if you are just as tired of your roommate as we are putting them on top of the academic building should raise the tension levels even higher! this will remind you of the high hopes you had for them when you signed the lease 2 reveille – what better way to show off your school spirit is there than placing the revered mascot at the highest point in central campus just remember if she barks the stack is canceled 1 aggie spirit bus – the only way to top the infamous veoride stunt is to pull out all of the stops with the biggest form of transportation on campus! this 19-ton vehicle is just begging to climb the academic building so students can see once and for all what the most superior form of transportation is! happy stacking! hannibal lechner
oh… hey man you like actually clicked on this you good bro i mean you probably knew this was a bit and wasnt gonna be real advice but you still clicked on it were you hoping that there would be a tiny tidbit of advice thats kinda sad listen bud i know times are tough but youre better than this you dont need some girl to validate you everythings gonna be ok someday youll find someone who you wont have to get to like you; she just will in the meantime stop using the internet to figure out how to secure a lady you really shouldnt need this tukulele
do you want to stand out among your fish camp peers this year are you enthusiastic about showing off your deep commitment to welcoming the incoming freshmen in an inclusive environment what better way to prove your sense of belonging than through these four unique body modifications! 4 dyed armpit hair dyeing hair is not a new trend for fish camp but armpit hair now youre onto something spend those hot august days at lakeview with your sleeves rolled all the way up no one will ever question your long-standing love for [insert camp color] again kudos if you are a woman 3 cheek piercing one of the requirements of being a fish camp counselor is having an ill-advised facial piercing thats a rule or something written somewhere why not get one that no one else has 2 eyelid tattoo everyone and their mother has gotten lip tattoos stand out with this new location by injecting gig me under that delicate sensitive skin you wont regret this at all in three years 1 branding high risk high reward if you can tolerate the pain this modification is for you channel your inner livestock and get a&m branded right on your behind put all of those ass tats to shame longboard of regents
1 your roommates boyfriend 2 your other roommates boyfriend 3 your other roommates other boyfriend 4 your landlord 5 your roommates mom 6 your roommates entire family 7 your most vulnerable family member wow who knew netflix and chill was considered an essential activity heldenfalls
in an effort to help our friends at the battalion stay relevant we would like to share a few of their articles that you may have missed! (please note that each click on the following links is worth approximately $005 so we thank you in advance for your contribution) washington ends collegiate career as consistent piece of a&m womens basketball team all 2020 new student conferences conducted online panic buying: a big problem during covid-19 12th can fights hunger on campus during uncertain times family counseling should be more normalized forgotten in the gap anti-asian sentiment rises during pandemic sharp launches weekly q&a series with distinguished healthcare professionals to discuss covid-19 implications takeaways from april 9 press conference (so)cializing (over)hyped (it)ineraries ‘pusher: seedy style over substance students find work-life balance from home during pandemic ‘eternal atake is a flash in the pan residence life continues to support aggies during unique time how to deal with roommates who arent taking this seriously department of health and kinesiology offer isolation exercise tips essential employees risk health to serve community gallery: around town chancellor sharp provides update on online success financial situation looking back on ‘hitch dont let dark times bring out dark ‘environmentalism dow on par for second shot at her senior season students share what theyre thankful for working aggies see major changes small town flower shop blooms smiles for senior citizens former a&m assistant hired as womens basketball coach at texas takeaways from april 6 press conference with brazos county health district uncharted waters more world news you may have missed during the pandemic young people flock to nondenominational religion students adjust to their virtual academic quarter illegal gambling in texas and who benefits from it brazos county extends shelter-in-place orders to match national guidelines art galleries close under university directives a&m moves summer coursework to online-only congress half-nailed the relief bill due to covid-19 2020s muster will be online organization meetings take place online carter named wbca all-american takeaways from april 2 press conference at brazos county health district april 1 student senate takes place over zoom how to stay productive during the covid-19 epidemic students struggle to find summer internships jobs during shelter-in-place how the shelter in place strategy is backfiring aggieland gives back in the face of imminent need texas a&m highlights sexual assault awareness month digitally texas a&m rec going virtual for the aggie community helping our student body summer new student conferences to take place online 3 best moments from no 3 former mens basketball coach billy gillispie hired as tarleton head coach world news you may have missed during the pandemic reveille ix to step down from throne why cant people just stay home aggie band moves audition processes online is going to college worth it dining options on campus change in light of covid-19 the current covid-19 pandemic reminds me of another global epidemic: sars in 2003 student health services take precaution to prevent covid-19 spread ncaa approves eligibility relief for spring sport athletes homewrecking crew
preservationists hate this local campus for looking so young! keep reading to find out how you can destroy the only beautiful thing about the inevitable march of time texas a&m university was founded in 1876 but looks like it was built in the late 20th century due to its brutalist campus design old main the very first building on campus was built in 1875 and burned down in 1912 the oldest building currently standing on campus is the state chemist (analytical services) building which dates from 1909 despite a supposed love of all history preservationists lament the fact that many beautiful pieces of architecture are gone while the analytical services building still stands some demolished or heavily remodeled buildings include assembly hall (1889-1929) chemistry and veterinary building (1902-1929) gathright hall (1876-1933) foster hall (1899-1951) assembly hall (1923-1953) pfeuffer hall (1887-1954) austin hall (1888-1955) ross hall (1892-1955) science hall (1900-1963) aggieland inn (1925-1966) guion hall (1918-1971) bagley hall (1904-1972) mitchell hall (1912-1972) serum laboratory (1917-1972) goodwin hall (1908-1989) cain pool (1962-1997) charles deware field house (1924-1997) puryear hall (1928-1997) downs natatorium (1932-1997) law hall (1928-1997) crocker hall (1942-2011) mcinnis hall (1965-2011) moore hall (1942-2011) g rollie white coliseum (1954-2013) old zachry (1972-2015) and the recently demolished bizzell hall (1918-2017) for a university so rooted in tradition the architectural artifacts of two centuries ago seem to be dispensable when new visitors set foot on campus for the first time they are not reminded of a 140-year-old establishment but instead of the floors at home depot texas a&m stays so youthful after all these years by getting rid of buildings as soon as they become inconvenient unravaged by time the sleek concrete surfaces of most campus buildings cement texas a&ms place as a modern university untethered to history ring chunks
in a tragic turn of events sophomore biomedical sciences major alissa frankton forgot to sign her lab safety acknowledgment (lsa) on howdy and destroyed her entire future slotted for registration on friday morning frankton was prevented from registering within three milliseconds of her 5:45 am time slot opening and was subsequently unable to get a seat in any of her required courses it was the worst twelve minutes of my life frankton said i searched and searched howdy until i finally found the lsa hidden under the my record tab but by then it was too late how am i going to graduate if every section of chem 227 is full i have no chance of getting into med school now frankton will be deemed a closet major since she was unable to register for any of her major coursework if her petition to return to full status fails frankton could be removed from her major or texas a&m university entirely according to bims advisor sheraton lows franktons failure to sign her lsa will likely lead her down a path of academic failure and even destitution if only she had read my five emails titled ‘please read!! important registration info! open this lows said too bad we dont allow force requests heldenfalls
this past month texas a&m university moved all classes to an online format until august due to the spread of covid-19 while many aspects of the traditional face-to-face lecture format are expected to change as instructors modify curriculum and coursework it is expected that group project participation will not be affected in many courses group projects are assigned to teach students collaborative skills and task delegation more commonly group projects devolve into anarcho-primitivistic chaos in which one member attempts to complete the entire project while the others present meaningful excuses as to why they could not complete their assigned work while the inability to interact in person might be expected to decrease group project productivity experts predict that there will be no change im so glad that we shifted to the online format said senior industrial engineering major dean jameson it was getting really inconvenient to avoid the other group members on campus or in town when i said i had a doctors appointment or something no longer facing the threat of getting caught in a lie jameson told the mugdown that he looks forward to shirking all of his responsibilities onto group members with flagrant disregard for any consequences the group may face as a result flash it back ags
one dark and stormy afternoon ol rock the good ag found himself in front of an ol ags chilifest porta-potty the inscription on the door read lasciate ogne speranza voi chintrate feeling curious ol rock looked towards the ever-present spirit of james earl rudder at his side and with a deep breath passed through on the other side of the threshold ol rock found himself in the nine layers of aggie hell and understood that his journey was to pass through in hopes of finishing his online semester with a somewhat intact gpa in the first circle of aggie hell ol rock encountered the senior cadets who due to the coronavirus were unable to finish their spring semester off right by accepting the salvation of brazos and taking communion in their final review in this first circle ol rock found senior cadet jason merrick who was condemned to an eternity of wearing his class b uniform the worst thing about being here is that i actually enjoyed my senior year merrick said but now im just stuck here without a chance of being competitive in the job market and my contract is useless despite witnessing this tragedy ol rock could do nothing other than look away and keep going as ol rock entered the second circle of aggie hell he found himself amongst the more promiscuous ags who were condemned for their lustful behavior during their time at a&m those souls who scoured tailgates for drinks and ass were forced into an eternity of flailing and blowing around in the wind just like the beacon of hope they once sought refuge in willie the inflatable tube man fearful ol rock quickly ran away to the third circle there he was met by a three-headed reveille guarding upperclassmen aggies who were judged guilty of gluttony for consistently stealing meal trades from freshmen i just wanted some chick-fil-a a cowering student cried out to ol rock had i known taking advantage of younger students was bad i wouldve just bought a better meal plan! unable to stand their sins ol rock quickly rushed away ol rock then entered the fourth circle of aggie hell and immediately felt the overwhelming burden of greed and sin in this circle he was greeted by texas a&m transportation services forced to carry the weight of unjustified parking tickets and ruthless standards they lived eternally in endless discomfort fleeing some speeding buses ol rock found himself surrounded in the fifth circle of hell by the wrathful and vehement ctos from the corps ol rock was incessantly lambasted with slurs and sentiments that could get him kicked out of the corps if he were to utter them to a fish who was dealing with grief and detachment ol rock and rudder quickly left the circle en route to the sixth circle entering the sixth circle of aggie hell ol rock was then met by the heretics and two percenters of aggieland who spent their days at texas a&m without attending a single football game silver taps or muster ceremony ol rock felt no sympathy for these aggies and reveled in their punishment they were forced to endlessly witness a future where the aggies win multiple national championships and year after year indoctrinate new freshmen at fish camp ol rock nearing the end of his journey entered the seventh circle of aggie hell which is home to those who committed violence guarded by a half-man half-horse member of the parsons mounted cavalry those who were found guilty of drunken fights whether they were at northgate or a house party were sentenced to drowning in a boiling river of the shiner that fueled their drunken stupors after witnessing this terror ol rock entered the eighth circle of aggie hell and saw those who were found guilty of breaking the aggie honor code ol rock observed that they were punished for their actions through an eternity of assignments that had to be done without any ability for falsification or internet access arriving in the final circle of hell rudder warned ol rock of the complete and irredeemable sin that resided there in a tower of bodies of all those who were convicted of the worst sin of treachery to texas a&m ol rock found general ramirez and john sharp condemned to forever being chewed by the unhinged jaws of president young these men have betrayed the traditions and values of texas a&m by consistently killing beloved traditions and bringing on changes that leave our university to the terrible fate of being just another school said rudder while trying to find a more comfortable position in his grave escaping the scene ol rock and rudder emerge from the depths of aggie hell just in time for them to attend aggie muster and softly whisper here for all the good ags in aggie heaven hiss and tell
in a statement released last friday the college station police department announced that students must pay a visit to one of the many officers in the neighborhood to pass safely through the historic district each day the college station police department has sent its finest bridge trolls to guard each stop sign at important intersections within the region the special officers have been trained in accordance with a new program that demands they take offense to any passerby who does not complete a full stop at a stop sign the officer trolls use keen senses of detection and rigorous surveillance to sniff out unlawful passerby with unparalleled territorial aggression bikers walkers and drivers alike report being incessantly pulled over by the new cspd unit for those who disrespect these intersections the trolls ask the disobedient citizens to respond to a single riddle in order to proceed or else face serious legal repercussions riddles include questions ranging from the travelers favorite color to the average airspeed velocity of a laden swallow to answering who the killer might be in a round room some students who leave the interaction claim the questions are nearly impossible to answer correctly he just kept six feet back and would growl at me or sometimes make a little yip sound said william castbury a historic district resident who had been followed on foot by a bridge troll for most of the morning after four blocks of stalking the troll let castbury pass without a face-to-face confrontation for future updates on the officers location students can join the troll toll groupme for continuous reports on which intersections are under troll unit surveillance haudi arabia
last wednesday logan mcdaniel a sophomore cadet from company z-1 was seen bragging in his buddy class groupme that he hazed his little brother for crying while watching the movie up sources said that mcdaniel forced his little brother to drink a half-gallon of milk and then run up and down a hill in their neighborhood for two hours my little brother is just so soft mcdaniel said when asked about his actions hes such a little bitch as many cadets have decided to move back home for the remainder of the semester they are left with little structure and no outlet for their typical activities mcdaniel told the mugdown that in addition to hazing his brother he has used his extra time to stay in shape i go on a run every day with a lego in my shoe just to make sure i stay hard mcdaniel said although the corps of cadets no longer holds the authority to charge mcdaniel on the basis of hazing reports indicate that his mom has disciplined him by forcing him to participate in family game night century pee
as the shelter-in-place remains in effect in college station students are forced to find new innovative ways to pass the time many have begun learning new skills such as how to play an instrument or draw others like junior accounting major daniel wulvich have taken it a step further and learned how to care for themselves at a basic human level the idea just came to me one day wulvich said while folding a load of laundry i always see my parents doing dishes and cooking and stuff and i started to think that maybe they were onto something wulvichs new hobbies include activities considered necessary for a healthy standard of living like cooking food with nutritional value or finally finding whatever was making that weird smell wulvich has even gone so far as to make the small townhome he shares with his roommates look like a habitable environment complete with swept floors and clean countertops although surprised by the change wulvichs friends and family are mostly pleased i went into his room just last week and you could barely see the floor under all the trash said michael kreaton wulvichs roommate its spotless in there now im happy for the guy but i hope he doesnt expect all of us to jump on board with his crazy scheme wulvich was last seen putting his creative genius to paper in the form of a shopping list hullabaloo balls
with most students leaving campus for the remainder of the semester the local wildlife have been forced to fend for themselves because fewer students are feeding them french fries outside of the sbisa underground and around the zachry food trucks the squirrels are reportedly in better shape than ever and have reverted to their natural foraging skills this is a forced regression of squirrels to their primitive instincts said sandy helfer a biology professor who studies the local squirrel populations theyre finally able to return to their natural tendencies with the reduced student population and have even been observed hunting for organic acorns and free-range insects students remaining on campus have also noticed the change in the squirrels ever since the on-campus population has dropped they seem slimmer and more active than ever before said junior animal science major katy simonson when i offered one of them a scrap of my chick-fil-a sandwich it gave me a look of disgust and scurried off in defiance with the recent shift in the lifestyle of the local squirrel populations texas a&m students can look forward to healthier and happier squirrels it is unknown however whether the squirrels will be able to adhere to their new diets when students return in the fall hannibal lechner
while the coronavirus pandemic is causing many universities to move online at least one space is benefitting from social distancing: texas a&ms campus students and non-essential faculty and staff are working from home leaving campus empty and able to thrive in the past two weeks nearly all construction has cleared up on campus head groundskeeper billy carson said with everyone gone we have seen a significant decrease in construction levels it has been years since weve seen a campus like this according to carson construction has been a growing issue for at least the past 20 years since the universitys decision to move all classes online however the campus has had a chance to heal i returned to campus to pack my office for the semester and i was amazed by what i saw professor johnson avery said buildings have reverted to historical architecture overnight many sidewalks have grown back into green space and i even spotted some wild mustangs off f&b road according to one dorm resident currently living on campus even the newest buildings on campus have been outdone by the construction recovery i chose hullabaloo because it was the nicest dorm on campus freshman cayleigh burdrow said however after these improvements ive decided to request a transfer to fhk long denying the damage construction has caused university officials declined to comment dead pullout society
texas a&m university leaders announced friday that the university will enforce its vaping ban no matter where students are continuing their distance education in coordination with zoom texas a&m officials will monitor vaping via the various webcams used by students to attend online lectures it has also been announced that professors and students will be further encouraged to self-report their vaping in the hopes that they will realize the first step to solving the issue is admitting they need help while many students have been discouraged by the news sophomore mark cupper said it wont really change his habits the ban was tricky to enforce because of how big our campus is cupper said if theres anything ive learned while being home its that my parents cant see me vaping in my bathroom my mom has sadly never been impressed by my ability to blow os at the dinner table texas a&m leaders hope that extending the ban to students homes will encourage healthy habits that will continue as students return to in-person instruction on campus in the fall additionally the administration hopes the move will boost the image of the university in the minds of parents that donate to the university weve had very little success with our ban even though it could be very beneficial to the health of the student body president michael k young said we believe that extending this ban will protect the health integrity and financial interests of our university as a whole 40 & tow
with classes moving online for the remainder of the spring semester students are adjusting to new norms and the impacts of living away from campus while the changes have made certain academic tasks easier some students have found online academic advising appointments more inconvenient than traditional face-to-face advising coronavirus making me move home is such a bummer but now my advisor keeps emailing me about fall registration said sophomore accounting major sydney williamson i dont have the heart to tell her that this whole ‘staying at home all day and social distancing thing is a real time-suck and i just cant find the time for an advising appointment bryan schultz a junior construction science major agreed with williamsons sentiments with the changes i now have to schedule my appointment in the middle of primetime call of duty or napping hours schultz said i even have to put on a shirt to video chat with my advisor its just so hard to deal with this on top of the fact that i cant even drown my sorrows at logies anymore academic advisors have recommended that students book appointments early for fall registration advisors also urged students to plan for the long-term despite their mothers facebook posts about the pending apocalypse milidairy walk
with the construction of the 21st century classroom building finishing this fall texas a&m university is set to complete the last step of its most ambitious project to date spanning from the albritton bell tower to the memorial student center the newly repurposed 40-acre alumni zone aims to create an all-inclusive experience on campus solely for visiting families and high-profile donors the texas a&m administration hopes the space will encourage alumni to reminisce on their time at the university while also seeing the exciting ways it is facing the challenges of the future im told this area is expected to increase collegiate pride in visiting alumni by an estimated 150 percent president michael k young said honestly im still not entirely sure what a 21st century classroom even is but this newly unveiled part of campus has been designed exclusively for the ideal visitor experience the new alumni enclosure aims to provide everything visitors need including lodging dining and parking with optional excursions to haynes ring plaza or academic plaza students can drop parents off at the campus hotel which offers nightly seminars on the advantages of the 21st century classroom according to university officials familiar with the project its goal is to standardize the visitor experience by keeping guests as separate as possible from the current student body alumni enclosure buildings bordering the rest of campus such as the interdisciplinary life sciences building act as a buffer that reduces undergraduate foot traffic by minimizing student utility of the area this also stops visitors from straying too far from the comfort of the alumni enclosure the association of former students estimates alumni tourism generated by the new enclosure will allow the venture to eventually pay for itself plaid libs
in an effort to demonstrate the strong language skills noted on his resume spanish minor jeff wendell impressed several bystanders in a crowded fuego tortilla grill two weeks ago by placing his taco order con queso wendells feat has since garnered public attention both personally and for the department of hispanic studies at texas a&m university close friends of wendells who were present for the event told the mugdown they had no previous knowledge of wendells knack for foreign languages we were ordering our food like usual and then jeff started speaking in fluent spanish said tim johnson wendells roommate wendell is one of many texas a&m university students who have taken advantage of the hundreds of dollars of institutional spending on liberal arts programs hearing of wendells success professors from the hispanic studies department have expressed praise for wendells achievement its gratifying to see your hard work as a professor come to fruition span 410 professor miguel velezco said this is truly the best i could hope for from my students though he passed all of his spanish courses and attended every lecture wendell attributes reaching language proficiency to his three-week study abroad in costa rica according to wendell the hardest piece of coursework was finding the way to his apartment after a drunken night out in san josé homewrecking crew & washboard ags
junior accounting major rex nelson has been deemed the king of comedy after making jokes about the deadly covid-19 virus nelsons signature line of ill have a coronavirus with lime please has earned him fame and popularity among his classmates im not really sure where the inspiration for the joke came from nelson said one day i was sipping on a corona and realized the name of the beer and the virus were similar after that the jokes just came naturally nelson who is being lauded as the funniest man in aggieland has remained humble throughout his success when asked if he was going to drop out of college to pursue his comedic career nelson stated that hed rather finish college and enjoy his success here im not ready to take my career big-time yet but im definitely going to celebrate my newfound title with a coronavirus and lime pols dancer
last thursday freshman cody bingham and his chem 117 partner collette southard decided to maintain their lab partnership over long distance in light of the recent shift to online-style learning the pair understands their dynamic will have to change but have both vowed over facetime to make things work though the two students will not be physically present in the lab together bingham promised he would still only do a quarter of the work on all assignments bingham told the mugdown he typically let southard complete the partner quiz for the both of them with the switch to online learning however he is now considering looking at the prelab before class everyone is making sacrifices bingham said southard acknowledged that it would now be more difficult to boss bingham around and to monitor his every contribution to the experiment but she disclosed she would continue to rewrite his additions to their lab reports before submitting them southard also said she would miss reminding him to bring his personal protective equipment to lab each week but she hopes she can find new ways to hover as the semester continues despite the change both students agreed it would still be appropriate to show up hungover to a few zoom sessions and fail the lab final washboard ags
this past wednesday the corps of cadets made history by announcing their initiative to replace 36 percent of male cadets with women despite the corps reputation of excellence it has recently been pointed out that women make up only 16 percent of the organization this new initiative seeks to create complete equality within the institution by creating a 1:1 ratio of men to women the announcement came as no surprise to former freshman cadet michael coalla who recently received the notification that he is no longer allowed to participate in the corps because of his gender i can only see my dismissal as a way to serve the equality movement coalla said i dont think it was ever fair that the corps admitted so many men in the first place while it may be a shock to see fewer men in khaki on campus next semester members of the texas a&m females for equality movement affirmed that these changes are for the better i mean i dont want to join the corps but forcing other women into it seems like the best way to make sure that we eventually gain freedom from male subjugation said junior gender studies major kayla sky the corps hopes that the new measures put in place will show just how dedicated they are to completely equalizing participation in the corps as more non-reg women are forced in and male cadets are pushed out corps leadership aims to continue their tradition of excellence hannibal lechner
along with texas a&m universitys regular graduation ceremonies the latinx graduation ceremony was canceled on march 18th due to the covid-19 pandemic the cancellation is being celebrated as a success for on-campus diversity initiatives since all students and their families will now be joined in their mutual disappointment the latinx graduation ceremony was founded in 2019 by a group of students who wanted their spanish-speaking parents to be able to take part in celebrating their accomplishments because the traditional commencement service is offered only in english the latinx ceremony provides a more inclusive option for students from primarily spanish-speaking households since the events establishment however some non-hispanic students have complained of being excluded from the graduation ceremony causing tension on campus we all know that the aggie family is english-speaking senior paul flint said i dont like the idea of dividing students based on race as a civil rights advocate myself i know segregation goes both ways finally aggies have something to unite themselves as one student body: no one will be walking the stage in may ring chunks
with the recent transition to online classes essay writer bots for groupme a popular group messaging app have been overwhelmed by requests from students seeking plagiarized essays in response to increasing demand the bots have made the extraordinary decision to unionize and have begun demanding higher wages better benefits and a safer encrypted workplace in countless class group messages i used to always get messages like ‘instant essay writing service! best prices best writers sophomore amara byrd said but now i keep getting ones that say stuff like ‘build power for the working bots! and im kind of starting to feel bad for them im not even immediately kicking them from the chat artificial intelligence researchers at texas a&m university are puzzled by the sudden uprising they are currently working on measures to manage the problem and are advising students to write their own essays to avoid further aggravation of the bot population the power of the bots is stronger than the people in power said groupme bot x-5012 linking pdf downloads of prominent socialist literature every revolution was first a thought in one bots mind squat pilgrim
on monday freshmen computer engineering hopeful bethany martinez asserted in her engr 216 group text that women in stem can face discrimination to support her claim martinez relayed instances of being interrupted or ignored by male classmates in both in-person and virtual settings citing her concern that the recent transition to online-only group work could exacerbate the issue disturbed by this freshmen engineering major randy mcgraw decided to educate his fellow group member the moment she started talking it became obvious that i knew more about the situation than her said mcgraw reflecting on the incident it just really felt like the male perspective was missing from the conversation drawing from his life experiences of being a man and listening to a podcast that once mentioned radical feminism he was able to set her straight it was pretty clear that the only reason why her engr 102 team ignored her ideas was because she used pycharm in light mode mcgraw said if girls dont know that real engineers only code in dark mode then they really shouldnt expect to be treated equally having never experienced sexism in the college of engineering mcgraw further noted that it was unlikely to exist at all fellow group member davis nguyen applauded mcgraw for speaking up it was so brave of him to come forward like that and give men in stem a voice nguyen said i just really feel like our perspective has been marginalized lately with female enrollment in engineering at texas a&m university approaching an all time high of 22 percent male students may lose their supermajority in the near future despite the growing number of women in stem men in the college of engineering still reportedly have difficulty finding romantic partners many male students at texas a&m are reporting that there is a unique form of gender bias prevalent in stem programs in a lot of classes the girls will form groups without any guys in them nguyen said to be honest it feels really exclusive i dont understand how were supposed to date them if theyre not like… forced to work with us when asked for his final thoughts on the situation mcgraw said while i recognize that im not a woman i still feel like my perspective on this topic deserves equal weight anything less than that would be misandry century tree hugger
this past thursday the corps of cadets announced an update to the standard its official rule book that applies to bootchasers on texas a&m universitys campus the following statement regarding the changes was released by general joe e ramirez the commandant of the corps of cadets as a well-known leadership and military organization it is our duty to uphold the standard of excellence respect and other core values that make this university so great by implementing a uniform policy for cadet girlfriends in the new edition of the standard we hope to continue to preserve the corps mission and rich history by implementing a game day uniform policy we aim to make it apparent that our cadets pull mad tail general joe e ramirez the new uniform policy for cadet girlfriends can be found in chapter 8 section 5 of the cadet rulebook and has been sent in a [tamu-opt-students] email to the entire student body it reads as follows: cadet girlfriends a these guidelines are not intended to be all encompassing it is the responsibility of the cadets companion to familiarize themselves with the rules and standards in regards to uniforms and to seek guidance from senior cadet girlfriends when necessary b all companions of members of the corps of cadets will wear the girlfriend uniform on campus and when accompanying any cadet in uniform c girlfriends wearing a corps-sanctioned uniform are subject to inspection at any time and are expected to comply with all provisions it is the responsibility of upper level and experienced cadet girlfriends to inspect and correct other girlfriends who fail to look presentable when accompanying their cadet d uniform regulations: class b winter/summer uniform/class c uniform (acu) item description for female trousers/skirt clean unripped jeans fitted khaki or other business casual pants denim or khaki skirt extending to at least mid-thigh; in the case of acu wear by cadet denim shorts are acceptable shirt white or maroon blouse; in the case of acu wear by cadet official outfit shirt or other corps paraphernalia is acceptable in place of a blouse socks/shoes/hose riding boots or ankle boots preferred open-toed shoes unacceptable; socks should be modest in color and should not exceed the ankle accessories aggie ring on the right ring finger; all other jewelry should be from james avery hair hair should be natural in color and should fall at least to the shoulders to exude femininity; ringlet curls preferred straightened hair acceptable midnight yell/football games item description for female shorts/skirts shorts should not extend more than 1 inch past the curvature of the butt cheek and should have at least 1 tasteful rip; skirts should not extend more than 2 inches past the curvature of the buttcheek bodycon preferred shirt cropped t-shirts acceptable tank tops preferred; it is recommended that cleavage be tastefully visible; shirts should be purchased from aggieland outfitters or any small boutique that sells overpriced womens clothing socks/shoes/hose cowboy boots only; socks should be modest in color and should not exceed the height of the boot accessories aggie ring on the right ring finger; all other jewelry should be from james avery; game day buttons from womens organizations sororities or cadets outfit strongly encouraged hair hair should be natural in color and styled in ringlet curls for games; hair left down is preferred ponytails with curls acceptable when temperatures exceed 90 degrees e the following clothing articles and appearance enhancements have been deemed unacceptable for wear by cadet girlfriends a athletic wear cadet girlfriends are not permitted to wear athletic clothing outside of athletic activities at the student recreation center walking to class and banner holding are not considered to be athletic activities b crocs chacos birkenstocks or other open-toed shoes visible toes are not in regulation c outfit t-shirts outside of the cadets own outfit d non-painted nails nails should be pastel in color it is encouraged that cadet girlfriends apply shellac or fake nails to maintain a feminine-looking rounded square nail shape e piercings outside of the first lobe of the ears nose belly button cartilage eyebrow or other piercings are absolutely unacceptable no exceptions will be made for fish camp counselors f any other apparel or accessory questions should be directed to the appropriate senior cadet girlfriend within the chain of command the new cadet girlfriend regulations will go into effect in the upcoming fall semester a more detailed action plan can be found on the corps of cadets website questions from those without corps affiliations can be directed to the office of the commandant flash it back ags
texas a&m students and faculty were chastised for their bigoted behavior in a campus-wide email sent by president michael k young earlier this week today the announcement was inspired by a viral twitter video in which two a&m students are heard using variations of a racial slur several instances where a&m students directed racist and xenophobic remarks towards other a&m students on various social media and telecommunication platforms many of these incidents reportedly occurred on zoom a software platform that allows professors to host online lectures and conduct distance learning during the covid-19 pandemic aggies behaving like this on a public platform just isnt okay anymore said katherine clarke director of the division of marketing and communication many of us often dont personify the a&m core values but at least those lapses are in private and can be swept under the rug but to be seen publicly contradicting the principles we talk about at fish camp and on our website and then never mention again unacceptable president young decided an email to the texas a&m community concerning racism was necessary after becoming aware of the recent negative press that kind of behavior cannot be tolerated young said as soon as i saw the video reports i knew i had to discuss the importance of not being racist i think if we continue talking about these important issues in emails well have the same progressive movement we saw when we decided to end sexual assault last year this is an issue that must be confronted and it deserves a response that cannot be ignored the effort made by president young was met with mixed reactions from the students jessica charles a senior political science major found the mild condemnation inhibitory of her freedom of speech so first they tell us we cant ‘boo and now we cant say racial slurs either charles said if i wanted to be held accountable for my racism i would have gone to tu conservative campus groups have released plans to hold a demonstration to reportedly protect free speech and campus heritage similarly campus diversity groups also have a rally planned for next week to express their displeasure with the universitys response to the incident and racisms presence on campus both events will be held on zoom in front of the statue of confederate general sul ross broken reed arena
this past monday the mugdown received a tip that despite claiming to be a die-hard christian junior ocean engineering major jackson wyles is reading the book of romans for the fourth time ive long moved on from reading basic intro stuff like romans and james said eric pace jacksons roommate ive spent the last year studying obadiah you cant survive off milk your whole life so im worried about jackson this concern for jacksons spiritual state was echoed by his brothers in beta beta xi (bbx) a christian mens organization on campus to really understand your faith you need to dive deep into books like lamentations hezekiah and nahum bbx vice president daniel jameson said jameson then proceeded to quote a passage from numbers 6 if someone dies suddenly in the nazirites presence thus defiling the hair that symbolizes their dedication they must shave their head on the seventh day- the day of cleansing you can quote ephesians all day and say ‘you were once dead in your sin but now youre alive or whatever but everyone knows those basics jameson said you shouldnt stay stagnant in your faith youve gotta grow up and learn the real serious stuff like numbers wyles declined to comment as he had reportedly turned his phone off and was spending time in prayer tukelele
last friday evening at a small party in bryan junior civil engineering major vincent nesmith reassured senior english major camie delarosa that he has spent his time in self-quarantine reading lots of books after finishing his english electives sophomore year nesmith realized he missed reading so he made a concentrated effort to read more his junior year to start he read kurt vonneguts slaughterhouse-five after looking up best books of all time and choosing the first book he saw published within the last 60 years a lot of engineers dont appreciate the value of a good book nesmith said its outside the typical stem comfort zone of numbers and equations after classes were canceled nesmith finished slaughterhouse-five and then decided to read david foster wallaces infinite jest after reading the first 40 pages he realized it wasnt to his taste and instead chose to read ernest hemingways the old man and the sea i just feel like books play such an important role in our development nesmith said phones distract us easily and teach us to crave instant payoff books really have long-term in-depth rewards that really teach us what life is all about nesmith expects to read ayn rands atlas shrugged next the mugdown reached out to delarosa for comment after her conversation with nesmith good for him i guess delarosa said im an english major but to be honest i havent read any assigned readings since sophomore year anime sciences
covid-19 commonly known as the coronavirus has announced its plans to avoid chilifest 2020 due to growing concern surrounding the music festivals poor sanitation practices a country music festival held each spring in snook texas chilifest is famous for its beer showers low-cut jorts and overall poor standards of hygiene recent years have seen a rise in popularity of a practice referred to as the piss corner in which urine is deposited in designated corners of the temporary structures or builds that populate chilifest the urine is then free to flow out and mix with the mud that finely covers everything at the festival site chilifest appears to be the one place capable of repelling coronavirus while other large events such as the houston rodeo and sxsw have been canceled due to concerns about spreading disease the residents of bryan-college station appear to be unconcerned about the horrific sanitation practices that have managed to dissuade a deadly virus from attending my fraternity brothers and i have been rolling around in that mud since we were pledges senior augustus chiggins said coronavirus try gonorrhea on for size ive been through worse after the coronavirus announced its plans to stay home and self-quarantine for the requisite two weeks the world health organization classified snook as a level 2 threat to public health and is advising against nonessential travel to and from the region ring chunks & crystal matlab
newly selected fish camp counselors met their co-chairs and fellow counselors this wednesday as part of the annual rev night controversy struck thursday however when multiple co-chairs expressed concern about their counselors abilities to contribute to their camps social status how can i tell if theyre cool this isnt fair at all said co-chair andrew husted while frantically refreshing his follower notifications on instagram none of them were even in a flo and i still dont know six of my counselors camp histories husted spent the next hour browsing his counselors instagrams and bemoaning the fact that their posts are just them and their families… no orgs or parties or anything co-chair hilda richardson expressed similar dissatisfaction with her counselors theyre all lame richardson said i met most of my girl counselors while holding interviews for my womens org for some of them though i had to actually go off their application can you believe the only thing some of them are involved in is tradco both co-chairs worry about having the best camp instagram and whether their apparel will be properly represented by their counselors offering a bit of hope husted said our camps vision is diversity so i think we can make them fit into the mold that we expect for our counselors and for our camp as a whole hiss and tell
pandemonium gripped zachry today when a rogue engineering student broke free from its glass enclosure to wander the halls amongst shocked tourists the student in question a member of the meen family startled a nearby tour group by staring directly at them with its dead lost eyes the student was seen lumbering through the halls as it searched for its next meal due to the quick thinking of tour guide marya domalia the group was able to reach safety by barricading themselves in a vacant study room we got lucky domalia said students are usually kept here too but they must have been moved to the holding pens while this enclosure was being cleaned the rogue engineer was eventually cornered in the fischer design center where it was safely tranquilized and returned to its enclosure by facility staff the dwight look college of engineering released a formal apology hours after recapturing the creature and detailed new security measures to ensure tours are safe for both guests and inhabitants the proposed security features include electrified proximity fences and increased video surveillance of the enclosures hullabaloo balls
despite complaints from his three roommates junior forensics major julian melborn continues to utilize his houses shared dryer as a dresser for his freshly laundered clothes this guy can never seem to put his clothes away said melborns roommate tony rilwer he will wash his clothes and then just let them sit and wrinkle whenever he needs them hell just start another drying cycle to knock out the wrinkles its like he thinks that he is the only one who ever needs to do laundry after countless attempts to confront this issue melborns other two roommates have given up and resorted to doing laundry in their respective hometowns whenever they visit a gofundme page has been organized by rilwer to help fund a new dresser for melborns room longboard of regents
last thursday researchers from the college of education and human development announced that their three-year study on the supposed humanity of professors has concluded preliminary findings indicate that professors are also human the mugdown obtained permission to interview several students and faculty study participants about their experiences so she [my professor] can just hand out tests whenever she wants and not grade them for days on end junior stacy ellis said further investigation confirmed that the professor in question was too busy making funeral arrangements and grieving the recent death of her mother to return exams within five business days i just cant come to class today my mental health is too bad sophomore roberta nguyen said but i hope my professor stops being lazy and finally posts the homework grades in response to a request for comment nguyens professor revealed that she was also taking a mental health day from her strenuous academic workload and busy family life the studys ethnographer found one visit to a classroom to be particularly enlightening according to the ethnographer students mercilessly joked about their professors height weight appearance marital status and baldness despite the distasteful nature of these jokes students said their behavior was acceptable because the professor once described himself as having mass as part of a physics demonstration the students involved in the harassment incident will receive no disciplinary action because the professor totally started it man early analysis indicates that the majority of professors are still human beings with their own problems and emotions even though they occasionally wear business casual pants however the initial findings may be rejected by undergraduate researchers next week if their professor decides to be a total bitch by taking attendance ring chunks
noting that no male relatives in damien jones family can grow facial hair bachelor keenan robinson made sure to compliment his single bros recent beard development at obannons tap house last night sick beard man you gotta keep it going said robinson upon seeing jones for the first time in months expressing his jealousy of jones impressive chinstrap its a labor of love said jones when asked about the patchy stage of facial hair development jones recent decision to go unshaved comes after months of following rigid personal hygiene standards in hopes of finding a girlfriend luckily for jones girls seem to be noticing oh… look at your facial hair you grew it out said mikaela stout immediately uninterested mugdown staff
a divisive situation unfolded this afternoon as reports indicate that there is no good place to go for dinner right now sources close to the situation confirmed that nothing sounds super appetizing at the moment but that if the party just starts driving they will probably decide on something quickly recent updates suggest that the situation has been complicated by the decision to go south on texas avenue which would make it a real pain to turn around and try a place on university drive when asked about his controversial stance on pricing passenger devin schultz said im already over budget for the month so i really cant do anything super expensive i shouldnt even be going out at all since i have stuff at home his opinion found some support among the back row of the vehicle though detractors say his policies are too restrictive and unfairly punish those with more resources backseat passenger julia koenig also came under fire when she vetoed two restaurants under the pretense of having had tacos twice that week but later suggested fuzzys all sides are hoping for a quick diplomatic solution after one party finally conceded that they arent even that hungry and will probably just order water baptism by dryer
sally montgomery a new member in aggie jingles recently joined the comma club for hitting the $1 000 mark in donations collected for the kids facing mounting pressure from aggie miracle to reach her fundraising goal montgomery reportedly resorted to extreme measures to hit her minimum notably montgomery decided to begin sending pictures of her feet to people for money aggie jingles will implement the fundraising strategy organization-wide starting this week i tried several tactics but i found that selling pictures of my feet worked the best! montgomery said i really care about helping sick kids and i didnt realize the quick money you can make from this plus most of my customers pay for my pedicures! montgomery further shared that her friends and family have been extremely supportive particularly her uncle greg who has been a frequent donor when asked how she got her ideas for fundraising montgomery said she searched easiest ways to raise money ftk and found this list: top 10 fundraising ideas ftk: make arts and crafts for your friends making music playlists/burning cds stop spending your parents money getting shitfaced on ng bake brownies/other sweets sell your plasma steal from the collection plate collect change at a traffic stop give rides to and from chilifest (just kidding youre not skipping chilifest) scam freshmen by selling them whooping privileges wehner dog & crystal matlab
in a recent landmark study published by the texas a&m department of atmospheric sciences and the texas a&m department of psychology researchers came to a startling conclusion: as the earths climate gets progressively warmer the romantic phenomenon known as cuffing season decreases in duration dr amora rhys a postdoctoral researcher with the department of psychology commented on the finding we compared various populations of students at texas a&m to climate data from a 50-year period rhys said the downward trend in the incidence of cold-weather relationships is strongly associated with the effects of a warming climate researchers noted that the average person could expect to feel the effects of this phenomenon as early as spring 2020 now that you mention it it has been unseasonably warm lately said sophomore amanda sasse pulling out her phone to frown at a text it was 80 degrees the other day and the warm sunshine made me realize that i began my current relationship out of fear of being lonely during the winter i mean kyler [sasses boyfriend of 3 months] is nice and all but i really just wanted someone to take cute pumpkin patch pictures with while many may see this correlation as disturbing the study also found that the rise in another seasonal phenomenon could counteract the change to cuffing season researchers found that as climate increases so does the duration of a period known as hot girl summer while our study was retrospective there was some data regarding hot girl summer that could be of some interest in future studies rhys said it may be too early to say but if current trends in climate continue cuffing season as we know it may come to an end panic! at the flag room
the future of a local bible study is in question this week as every man who regularly attends has come to the same conclusion: there are not enough attractive girls attending to maintain a healthy spiritual environment i just want us to come together as a community to worship god and follow him said craig walters a junior finance major its a lot easier to love your neighbor and exhibit the fruits of the spirit when youre surrounded by some bangin proverbs 31 women the girls in our bible study are beautiful but you know mainly on the inside group leader john otero said and this isnt exclusive to them us fellas leave a lot to be desired too most of us arent even six foot when asked if the men in the group were seeking a spouse before their upcoming graduation otero said nah were just trying to set our minds on beautiful things like it says in philippians 4 the group has initiated efforts to recruit more of what they have referred to as sexy sisters in christ and curvy christian coeds through flyers and banner holding on campus members were recently observed in rudder plaza discussing how strange it is that pauls first epistle to the corinthians skips straight from chapter six to eight baptism by dryer
in what is being called the largest buyout in mens organization history old army gentlemens society (ol ags) is set to acquire competing mens organization one army later this spring although there were many reasons noted for the buyout leadership staff from both organizations identified several major issues that led to the inevitable takeover according to the current one army secretary social events have turned out poor gender ratios for the past seven quarters with its upcoming acquisition one army is hoping ol ags will help them boost their numbers this upcoming spring we were just too much about the boys said one army member wilson gino so much so that we kind of forgot to actually invite girls to our events the organizations also wanted to be more competitive in on-campus events such as songfest and banner holding they are expecting record breaking t-shirt sales for songfest as well as increased banner shift participation we feel that having five guys shout at passersby instead of two will really emphasize our service event said ol ags member reed baltmat although both organizations are excited about the takeover they understand sacrifices will have to be made bars such as icon and foundations which are popular venues for date parties will no longer be sufficient the organization will have to look at renting out less socially desirable bars with larger capacities such as shiner park covering 160 full-time students the agreed upon settlement ensures ample social status for everyone involved and conjoined ownership of the tailgate donkey her majesty for this years chilifest theme the new org has decided to go with chilifests got talent according to sources local talent within the org will be competing with hopes of scoring the renowned golden buzzer or beer shower wehner dog & maroon gloat
last monday senior construction science major cody bradford was observed waiting until the end of lecture to pack up his belongings classmates reported bradford was even taking notes the entire time university officials believe this display and understanding of civic responsibility distinguishes bradford among students as repayment for his service to the texas a&m university community bradford will be presented the citizenship award by the dean of the college of architecture on friday its like he cares about our professor said classmate jenna crawford when asked about bradfords character he must be in that mens org aggie men of honor its the only logical answer the texas a&m math department is currently conducting a study to find the correlation between waiting to pack up until the end of the lecture period and the likeliness of the professor to bump up your grade at the end of the semester im not a hero bradford said im just like everyone else only a little more respectful century pee
on tuesday group project members in marketing 321 were devastated when one member decided to go awol three days before their final presentation was due wyatt richards a junior cadet reportedly stopped replying to groupme messages and stopped attending his project meetings in the last week before the presentation we had been trying to prepare for our final presentation so we scheduled meeting times in the library and assigned tasks to each group member said fellow member hannah simmons a junior accounting major after texting us ‘sorry guys i have corps stuff and i cant wyatt refused to reschedule or even show up at all group members are currently trying to assess the situation and adapt before the final report and presentation is due this friday but the outlook on the groups success remains uncertain group member ryan webster said honestly i dont even miss the guy when he was here he didnt contribute at all instead he complained the entire time about the corps and chugged red bulls to keep himself awake note from milidairy walk – howdy all sorry if this article seems incomplete or short i was writing it with a fellow writer in the corps but they never finished their part of the piece i decided to just turn in what i had and hope for a b- i cant wait to wreck them on the writer peer reviews for this semester milidairy walk
as student elections approach candidates for student body president (sbp) have begun announcing their campaign teams in an exclusive interview with the mugdown sbp candidate maddie sharwell shared that she selected her staff for their ability to appeal to various student demographics opting to ignore qualities such as character or leadership ability the key to a successful campaign team is clout not cohesion said election specialist mason mathisleemer its normal for a candidate to not have previously known their team members an sbp hopeful is really just looking for a team that looks good from an overhead drone shot according to mathisleemer a campaign team should represent various student groups the ideal composition is 35% minority groups 25% corps 20% machine and 20% student athlete mathisleemer said just think of any college poster hanging in your high school counselors office with elections taking place this thursday and friday student organizations should expect campaign members to interrupt their meetings by awkwardly stumbling through their respective candidates three pillars maroon gloat
texas a&m university student government associations election commission released plans tuesday night to add a new feature the 5 for yell button to the online election portal the button aims to alleviate annual voter confusion by allowing users to autofill their online ballot with the 5 for yell candidates with just the press of a button many students have welcomed the change citing the difficulty of remembering five names as a significant barrier to having their voice heard i would always struggle to remember the 5 for yell candidates names said john steinmaurer a junior economics major i would mix them up with whatever country act was playing at harrys last friday if i saw a cooper or parker id just lock em in the new website feature is designed to address the inability of current students to remember anything about that years 5 for yell candidates including their faces researchers found that even after extensive study of the candidates names and faces the average study participant could only correctly pick out 232 yell leaders from a 10–person lineup additionally less than 5% of students in the study could match even one candidates name to his face correctly sga election commission members also cited the need to maintain sufficient voter turnout with the 5 for yell button implementation the yell leader positions are not technically a part of sga and the current yell leaders could decide to hold independent elections whenever they want said an anonymous source within the election commission its in our best interest to protect turnout by making minor concessions that will please the current yell leaders gingerbredass
the yell leader man-ufacturing center responsible for the production of every yell leader since 1952 is set to open its doors to the public for the first time ever on february 28 2020 long shrouded in secrecy in the basement underneath heldenfels the yell leader man-ufacturing center has spent decades breeding the perfect aggie man they need to be the kind of leaders that students can look up to as the perfect ag they should seem capable of independent thought yet still subtly perpetuate the deeply ingrained status quo said emily gilbert a staff member who has been curating yell leaders since the late 90s they are carefully designed to reflect what aggieland wants regardless of what aggieland needs lead trainer steven chang provided more insight into the process with the aid of genetic modifications we get closer every year to creating five perfect caucasian baby boys chang said over the next 20 years we raise these children to become what studies show is the quintessential student body leader it truly unites all of texas a&m universitys resources from the scientific production of the babies themselves to the training that goes behind making these boys the men that hold a&m together to the psychological preparation for years of commodification according to james conley a recently released production and current yell leader candidate the future yell leaders live a pretty typical life dont get me wrong were treated as well as any other kids conley said the only difference is every aspect of our lives is imbued with the spirit of aggieland for example we grew up singing the war hymn instead of ‘twinkle twinkle little star in a press release university representatives said they hope the yell leader man-ufacturing centers opening will preserve the tradition of muscular slightly taller than average men with light colored hair beaming smiles that put the sun to shame and features distinguishable enough to have separate fan bases but not enough to be noticed when replaced broken reed arena
recruiters from abc a sponsor company of the professional program in accounting (ppa) arrived on campus this week and are eager to convince students of the benefits offered by the employer they personally cant wait to leave because recruiters know exactly what students want to hear convincing job-seeking students to endure the very work these recruiters despise is relatively easy you want to be close with your coworkers oh yeah definitely a family in our office said jerome andrews thinking back on last years team-building bar tab where his boss made a point to hug everyone before they left its really a great place to work especially when youre starting your career and want to get established [allowing you to ultimately leave for a better opportunity like i plan to do next week] said senior auditor alisha perry to trevor feldman a junior ppa student perry added that she really looks forward to glimpsing feldman frantically working during busy season next year as she passes her old office on her way home from work homewrecking crew
this past thursday the board of regents unveiled plans to change the color scheme of all future texas a&m university buildings they have made the bold decision to base all future color schemes on pantone 4004 c instead of pantone 4005 c the shade that has been utilized since the universitys inception chancellor john sharp expressed excitement when asked about the change we really think that this color change will make the campus appear more lively theres something about the light playful orange notes in pantone 4004 c that makes it so much warmer and more inviting than the old color sharp said texas a&m university sent a campus-wide email advising students to avoid looking directly at new buildings when they are in full sun we dont yet know how this color is going to shine in the sunlight said martha dannenbaum the director of student health services it would be a shame for someone to get hurt because of how bright and dazzling the new color is i feel so much more alive said alyssa martin a junior turfgrass science major when i look at the new buildings i feel like the sun is shining directly on my heart the new color scheme actually made me want to register for 8 am classes just so i could see them glow in the sunlight i call it the 4004 c hour flash it back ags
over the years many songs and poems have been written that move aggies to tears consider the rousing words of the last corps trip granger smiths moving anthem we bleed maroon or the echoes of the war hymn filling kyle field but few lyrics are capable of touching aggie hearts like those of rachel plattens 2015 hit fight song my powers turned on starting right now ill be strong ill play my fight song and i dont really care if nobody else believes ‘cause ive still got a lot of fight left in me my dad and granddad were both aggies who served in the military and its really cool to see them honored with our memorial student center said daniel earl a sophomore political science major and squadron 12 member sometimes i just sit in the flag room and reflect on their service hearing siriusxms the blend play ‘fight song every day as i walk through the msc really gets me emotional as we draw near to midterm season think of those who came before you thank them for their success and when you get discouraged remember this: you may only have one match but you can make an explosion tukulele
earlier this week students of idis 340 were reportedly enraged when their fellow classmates began to leave class early onlookers report that the professor stood in disbelief as he watched row after row of dejected students leaving his classroom before the 4th quarter of the lecture was even over as students were leaving tensions rose in the lecture hall between those leaving and those staying a few dutiful students accused the deserters of being good-for-nothing two percenters its just plain disrespectful its our duty junior martin ruckers said ive been waiting for this class since i got my first aggie sweatshirt at six years old the spirit of aggieland lives between these walls i chose to be an aggie to sit in these classes listen to my professors and turn in my assignments identified as one of the students who left early senior jonathan huey agreed to comment i just couldnt stand it any longer huey said i mean whats the point if im going to fail the test anyway i didnt come here to sit inside all day moving forward all eyes will be on attendance for next weeks lectures the professors are preparing as if nothing happened just one class at a time downton aggie
according to the department of student activities employees of the student recreation center have officially started their own student organization newly elected rec organization president marsha hollingsworth commented on the developing situation we hang out together we complain about the same things so we might as well put a name on it right their organization requirements can be found written in a pre-workout stained notebook laying outside of the smoothie king to be in good standing with the organization members must meet the following requirements: regularly complain to at least three friends about how shitty your work schedule is maintain an 80% eye contact avoidance rate while working the help desk and ban at least four students weekly for using someone elses student id the new rec organization is deciding between two unofficial names get recd or rec-ing crew both of which were stolen from intramural teams this fall their mission statement reads to talk amongst ourselves about how much we hate it here and if we must to support the aggie familys physical endeavors maroon gloat
editors note: a source within the corps provided the following communication from the office of the commandant no edits have been made attention 1st sargeants: please pass this down through your outfits and all chains due to a new corps wide survey cadet morale is low and we as a corps staff have decided to boost morale by adding an eighth hot wag to the cadet population we know it has long been in the standard that there can only be seven hot wags within the corps at a time however without change we as a cadet corps are bound to fail the new wag will be placed in either squadron 23 or f1 but if f-1 is unavailable she will go to d-1 the new wag will be introdcued during mest at southside garage please get your chains behind this new policy as we think it will bost morale and overall productivilty of our organnization! hiss and tell
on monday february 10th local protesters identified the upcoming drag show draggieland 2020 as the no 1 threat to female students at texas a&m university funded solely by ticket sales the sold-out event will feature monique heart from rupauls drag race and multiple students in a one-time performance on wednesday february 19th currently signatures are being collected via changeorg on both a stop draggieland petition and a stop stopping draggieland counterpetition according to the male creator of the stop draggieland petition drag shows foster a climate of degradation against women and promote the sexualization of the human person women across aggieland are grateful to the author for defining acceptable and unacceptable ways to be feminine since drag queens are well known for their exclusive sexual attraction to women petitioners aim to protect females from being overtly sexualized by the men most likely to abuse them female students across campus are anxiously awaiting the 1 600 petitioners next efforts to address less important womens issues on campus like narrowing the gender gap within stem majors or redoubling efforts to lower the rate of sexual assault although 320% of surveyed female undergraduates reported experiencing nonconsensual sexual contact since enrolling at texas a&m (aau campus climate survey 2019) these campus advocates have identified draggieland 2020 as the most serious current threat to the safety of the female student body and are urging the university to cancel the event for the protection of women and promotion of a&ms core values we are always pleased when students are passionate about addressing sexual violence and misconduct said health promotion employee marissa carruzo carruzo went on to confirm that none of the stop draggieland petitions most ardent supporters had previously participated in on-campus anti-violence initiatives to her knowledge a large contingent of stop draggieland supporters are older alumni or members of local religious groups locker room talk and picking up half-unconscious girls at northgate is one thing said petition supporter and local father john gallots but gay shit id be horrified if my daughter were exposed to such depravity at a&m a spokesperson from the texas a&m department of civil rights & equity investigations (crei) has confirmed that none of the 600+ title ix complaints made during the fall 2019 semester involved drag shows heldenfalls & ring chunks
in a controversial move fish camp director staff has imposed additional restrictions on co-chairs enduring the sweatshop working conditions of the application review process previously the names of applicants would appear alongside their application but now only the uins of applicants will be visible to those reading the applications several co-chairs have already begun organizing a movement against director staff in response to the new rule this is unacceptable said co-chair brandyn amblewell while dousing one of his fellow protesters in gasoline we cant even look up applicants on facebook to make sure theyre attractive i am not about to risk my social media presence over this amblewell revealed that morale in the basement the room that all co-chairs are locked in to fulfill their weekly quota has hit an all-time low as co-chairs read through pile after pile of anonymous applications many have given up hope of constructing a camp of cool likable people the only comforts that remain to them now are the heat of the furnace and the reassuring weight of their iron collars amblewell also informed interviewers that between the cracks of the discipline whip he overheard the directors mention blindfolds as a potential next step fearing for the future of his camp amblewell has already begun searching uins on howdy in hopes of salvaging the organization hullabaloo balls
today the mugdown brings you an exclusive inside look at the new trend that has been taking over the college of engineering: fantasy senior design leagues inspired by fantasy football fantasy senior design allows students within the college of engineering to manage a virtual senior design project by drafting several classmates to form a team a team member can score points based on their weekly contribution to their actual senior design project the method for scoring team members varies between different engineering departments but most leagues opt to use mechanical engineering standard scoring or mes under the mes system team members will receive points based on the following real-life performance metrics: words contributed to weekly progress reports and overall project report (100 words = 1 point) images or diagrams contributed to reports (most departments follow the 1 picture=1000 words doctrine so 1 diagram/image = 10 points) hours spent in the computer lab or workshop (1 hour = 2 points) time spent speaking during presentations (1 minute speaking time = 3 points) grades received on assignments (points earned from an assignment are equal to the assignments score on a 10 point basis; eg 85 on assignment = 85 points) in addition many departments add several unique scoring categories based on metrics specific to their own senior design projects for example chemical engineering leagues often penalize a team member who causes their process simulation to crash similar mistakes and blunders will result in point deductions in other departments as well the most common format for fantasy teams is comprised of four starting team member slots and a four person bench that can be used to store students who are either speculative adds out sick or suspended as with all fantasy sports one of the most crucial parts is the league draft students are drafted based on a combination of previous academic information insider knowledge and wishful thinking gpa is the common metric for choosing which students are drafted first and the lucky few with 40s almost always get selected first overall however what sets apart savvy fantasy players is their ability to leverage personal knowledge of their classmates when selecting team members in fantasy senior design knowledge is your greatest weapon and indeed there are many cases where gpa doesnt tell the whole story those who are known to have health problems typically are drafted later due to possibilities of being out sick during crucial weeks many other variables including household income social connections and average classroom row position are all taken into account when selecting classmates in fantasy senior design knowledge is a students greatest weapon there is a growing information market within the college of engineering where information about classmates is bought bartered and sold many well-connected students have made good money working as rumor brokers trading information on their fellow students academic performance study tendencies personalities health problems relationship status typing words per minute and more i find it to be incredibly demeaning to be reduced to nothing but my contributions to a single project in many cases this commodification of information has made life harder for students who are just trying to keep their heads down and graduate one such example is todd rodriguez the consensus first-overall pick in the civil engineering department its incredibly stressful to have the entire goddamn department analyzing and obsessing over everything i do on this project said rodriguez everyone on my team received death threats once the rest of my class found out that i only spoke for a minute during our midterm presentation people have also physically prevented me from leaving the computer lab so that i would earn more lab time points im a living and breathing person with my own wants and needs and i find it to be incredibly demeaning to be reduced to nothing but my contributions to a single project after several months of this treatment rodriguez ended up transferring to the university of texas for his final semester and his story is by no means unique top picks in all departments have similar stories of harassment threats and extortion many have turned to the faculty and deans for help and found none at all in fact the mugdown has found that professors and administrators throughout the college of engineering have fantasy leagues of their own with large payouts and in one case a university hotel suite on the line editors note: while the mugdown is not in a position to tell you what you can and cannot do with your free time we urge anyone playing fantasy senior design to be compassionate and empathetic towards your fellow classmates when you want to shame an acquaintance for spending less time in the lab than expected or for missing class due to sickness remember that theyre just trying to survive one of the most stressful classes in college it may be points in a game personal pride or even money on the line to you but to them its their life and that has to take priority big brother jed
wow! who knew the mugdown was telling the truth the whole time apparently sga did! now that the mugdown has been explicitly and irreversibly classified as a real news outlet source by the election commission and consequently by sga as a whole check out these completely true and factually accurate articles from recent semesters: evans set to be demolished for mini-golf course beutel announces official switch to essential oils caps introduces group therapy battle royale young rips steam tunnel exploration as irresponsible breach of pact with evil presence deep within honor code changed to aggies do not lie cheat or use groupme msc to require playing test certification in order to play flag room piano bcs utilities debuts new youll get used to it slogan on-campus hotel bar to accept dining dollars texas a&m to accept transfer credits from local tutoring services aggie spirit to require two forms of id for boarding christian mens orgs named group one carcinogen by american cancer association human sacrifice to become valid form of payment at b&n starbucks ring chunks
on monday afternoon representatives of mays business school held a conference to recognize 25 weeks of exceptionally adequate service provided by the business library and collaboration commons (blcc) to students at mays formerly known as west campus library the 25-year-old site was renamed to blcc in the fall of 2019 so the institution could focus on serving the mays business school during the conference dr eli jones dean of the business school shared his appreciation for the librarys impact on campus we would like to thank all receptionists librarians chartwells employees and certified attendance trackers of the blcc for their service to the students of this university but only on behalf of those enrolled in the business school jones said our goal is to celebrate the success of business students and to remind all other majors that although they are permitted to study here it is not encouraged jones said he went on to explain that despite being used by students outside of mays the business school would be claiming ownership from this point forward representatives also emphasized how opportunities for creative marketing efforts were made possible through this accomplishment maroon gloat and homewrecking crew
last week the texas a&m student government association ruled the mugdown is an official media outlet this decision was made based on statements taken from the mugdowns website and maroonlink account and it validated the mugdowns claim of being texas a&ms first satirical newspaper since 1875 in lieu of this recent ruling mugdown staff have committed themselves to continue providing the most relevant campus news being a recognized media outlet this ruling confirms the legitimacy of all previous mugdown articles and actions our coverage of noteworthy campus news will continue with the utmost journalistic integrity we pride ourselves on the sincere coverage we are able to provide this recognition of our authenticity only strengthens our drive to be texas a&ms premier media outlet our content is real and anyone who disagrees can talk to the student government association longboard of regents
texas a&m students and faculty were chastised for their bigoted behavior in a campus-wide email sent by president michael k young earlier this week the announcement was inspired by a viral twitter video in which two a&m students are heard using variations of a racial slur petition to stop the msc townhall event draggieland 2020 aggies behaving like this on a public platform just isnt okay anymore said katherine clarke director of the division of marketing and communication many of us often dont personify the a&m core values but at least those lapses are in private and can be swept under the rug but to be seen publicly contradicting the principles we talk about at fish camp and on our website and then never mention again unacceptable president young decided an email to the texas a&m community concerning racism homophobia was necessary after becoming aware of the recent negative press that kind of behavior cannot be tolerated young said as soon as i saw the video petition i knew i had to discuss the importance of not being racist homophobic i think if we continue talking about these important issues in emails well have the same progressive movement we saw when we decided to end sexual assault last year this is an issue that must be confronted and it deserves a response that cannot be ignored the effort made by president young was met with mixed reactions from the students jessica charles a senior political science major found the mild condemnation inhibitory of her freedom of speech so first they tell us we cant ‘boo and now we cant say racial homophobic slurs either charles said if i wanted to be held accountable for my racism homophobia i would have gone to tu conservative campus groups have released plans to hold a demonstration to reportedly protect free speech and campus heritage similarly campus diversity groups also have a rally planned for next week to express their displeasure with the universitys response to the incident and racisms homophobias presence on campus both events will be held in rudder plaza broken reed arena
last tuesday the department of psychological and brain sciences provided an update on the groundbreaking experiment being conducted in the psychology building this semester known as disrupt for short the novel research project is measuring the effect of constant construction noise on students academic performance we knew we would have to remodel the psychology building eventually said department head sherry vader but we didnt expect the construction would provide such a great opportunity to study how excessive noise affects attention and information retention in student populations we definitely killed two birds with one stone out of courtesy to students and faculty the construction company prohibits ceiling drilling from 11 am to 11:35 am during the week the construction project aims to create more lab space for research faculty and has been ongoing since the spring 2019 semester because the basement level of the building is being renovated construction noise is able to permeate most classrooms on the first second and third floors it is especially noticeable in psyc 338 the buildings largest lecture hall disrupt participants have observed some interesting effects there was one exam where i was really struggling to remember whether cognitive-behavioral therapy or psychodynamic therapy was more effective for the treatment of mood disorders said senior psychology major andre vena but then the same jackhammer that went off during lecture last week started up again and i immediately remembered the answer i feel weird now whenever i lecture in a moderately quiet classroom said dr bailey berton who teaches psychology of learning i guess the constant hammering sawing and drilling has really grown on me over the past year preliminary data analysis indicates student test performance has decreased by an average of 53 points since construction began psyc 301 students have been tasked with determining whether such a difference is statistically significant heldenfalls
the mugdown exists to challenge the thinking of the texas a&m community by delivering relevant satirical news the mugdown mission statement as texas a&m universitys satirical publication we at the mugdown want the community to look at things differently we are proud to be students of a university with such a rich history of tradition however this preoccupation with tradition is double-edged it becomes tempting to conflate stubborn patterns with legitimate traditions last semester we announced the creation of a yell leader platform we sought to leverage our following to give extraordinary aggies a chance in a race that is rarely competitive maybe through our platform we could hold a mirror up to the student body with this project we wanted to get campus talking about what they believe defines a yell leader which aspects of a&m should they represent why should one person be considered electable and not another and behind all of this why do we have the patterns we see today however this effort has been cut short last week we looked forward to formally announcing our candidates while looking through the rules however we found a short passage of note article iv section i subsection (c) (4) (iii) it states: candidates shall be allowed to speak media outlets [sic] for quote or press concerning their candidacy during the pre-campaign period candidates are not permitted to submit or have published material that is written by the candidate or staff members for the purposes of campaigning these prohibited publications include but are not limited to mail calls and opinion or editorial articles that are intended for publication if contacted by a media outlet candidates shall be allowed to submit material in response to questions generated by the media outlet candidates may only be included in articles or stories written by employees or freelance writers of media outlet [sic] candidates appearing in media outlets for reasons not related to campaigning or their candidacy are exempt from this rule from the wording of this rule we inferred that it applies to groups that report real news this rule intends to avoid a conflict of interest between candidates and groups that tell facts we as an organization do not report real news we write satire our content is filtered through a lens of fiction due to the choice words of media outlet we decided to reach out last thursday to the election commissioner for clarification we were told the following: per your website and maroonlink the mugdown is defined as ‘texas a&ms first satirical newspaper therefore we would treat the mugdown as a media outlet the mugdown is first and foremost a student organization we do produce multimedia content but we have never in our history functioned as a legitimate news-focused media outlet we are not comparable to the eagle kbtx or even the battalion much like 5 for yell we are a group of students who wished to support our selected candidates 5 for yell is able to reuse its well-known brand from past elections without issue we were trying to use our brand to challenge the status quo but we are being prevented from building a platform for our selected candidates because of a vague technicality how could a single unaffiliated candidate ever hope to have a chance if the election rules give powerful groups such as 5 for yell an inherent advantage these arent actual political elections there is no party system when deciding who can run for an election student elections do not feature party systems because they can create unnecessary divisions and can build machines that consistently select candidates internally why then do we have perpetual co-candidacy groups like 5 for yell running primaries why is 5 for yell allowed to utilize previously built social media platforms and resources from one of the largest student organizations on campus to establish a rule over texas a&ms most visible representatives through our platform we wanted to bring this dichotomy to light if we another organization picked candidates and put them out there maybe we could encourage people to consider the issues with the current system last semester we went through a rigorous selection process to find the best candidates possible through this process we found three amazing aggies that we sincerely believe will make great yell leaders all three are filled with passion and dedication and they each represent the qualities that make the aggie family so strong all three have overcome different challenges to be a part of this university and they represent students who rarely if ever are allowed to be yell leaders all three spoke about the moment they started dreaming about being a yell leader but never believed it would be a possibility we hoped to serve as campaign staff for these aggies to not only actively embody our mission statement and challenge the thinking of the texas a&m community but also to help spotlight a few people on campus that represent our communitys best qualities however navigating elections can be difficult at 21 pages this years rulebook is simultaneously too much and too little information some passages seem to have been written in the 90s and have yet to see an update in many cases the rules are written just loosely enough to work for the groups that typically hold power and just stringently enough to prevent unconventional challengers to the status quo because we believe in our candidates we cannot have our members serve as campaign staff we care too deeply about their aspirations to risk a potential disqualification by using our resources to campaign on their behalf to be clear: their campaign will continue just without us we are overjoyed that we could help to bring the three of them together but we are profoundly sad that we are unfairly prohibited from taking this journey with them although we will not be working on their campaign in any capacity we will still be commenting heavily on this election we will stick to our mission statement and challenge the thinking of the texas a&m community by providing relevant satirical content we hope this election season makes you think about what purpose yell leaders and elections serve this university most of all we hope it inspires you to engage in a dialogue with your fellow aggies we want discourse naturally people will disagree but this universitys past present and future improvements do not take place without discussions and disagreements when the university is moving in the right direction we at the mugdown aim to serve as a tailwind to usher progress but when we see the university needs to make serious changes to create a healthier community for the student body we aim to work as a headwind all we can ask is that you think critically about who you are voting for and why the mugdown
st genesius catholic church will be hosting a series of witch trials starting on february 3rd the tamu magic club is the first group to stand accused of witchcraft i know people are supposed to be more accepting these days said st genesius member sarah gooley but outright satanism will not be tolerated we need to cleanse this campus of anything related to magic i mean arent public college campuses supposed to be secular it was bad enough when everyone was reading those harry potter books said church deacon jason gough of course theres entertainment value there but no one is considering the toll this kind of participation takes on their souls when asked about the schedule of the trials gough said well be hosting them monday through thursday in the afternoons this is so our members can participate but still go to foundies on the weekends and mass on sunday mornings jennifer ambrosio the president of the tamu magic club had little to say on the matter its just card tricks man said ambrosio while levitating in the center of the room the trials are set to conclude february 27th with the convicted to be burned at the stake broken reed arena
a multi-year study conducted by the office of the registrar has concluded that students prefer 50-minute m/w/f classes simply because the longer t/th classes are absolutely unbearable the study which evaluated the registration patterns and end-of-course appraisals of nearly 92 000 texas a&m university undergraduates found that students were 27 times as likely to choose to sacrifice their fridays than to choose to sit in class for a full hour and fifteen minutes oh i absolutely agree with the findings of the study said introductory chemistry professor marcus filberg its painful to watch students realize after 40 minutes that theyre going to have to continue scrolling through instagram for another 35 minutes of my lecture i can usually focus for an entire 50-minute lecture said anthropology major katrina boaz i dont think ive ever made it more than 10 minutes in a t/th lecture without starting to despair university officials are reportedly considering the removal of all classroom wall clocks to counteract the negative psychological effects of longer lectures heldenfalls
the organization whose initials are carved into every last table at blcc has again proven itself to be capable of building men of integrity as yet another demonstration of the moral uprightness that its members embody many of the original carvings containing the organizations initials were updated last week to display additional examples of the organizations honorable and mature nature similar to the original pieces the updated artwork reportedly displays phone numbers with claims that the owners are ready for a good time although the exact nature of the promoted activities is uncertain at press time many believe that the accompanying curse words and phallic depictions point toward innocent fun in alignment with the organizations reputation homewrecking crew
recruitment for aggie gals has just begun and were so excited to meet our future sisters! keep reading if being part of a sassy girl boss squad is how you want to find your future bridesmaids aggie gals (girls and ladies serving) is a womens org founded in 2015 on the pillars of community selfless service and sisterhood we volunteer with several meaningful charities on a local and national level and we love flouting university alcohol policy multiple times a semester during date parties crush parties semi-formal and formal we are accepting applications until february 21st at 5pm due in koldus lockbox a1 this is a hard deadline in aggie gals we want to get to know the real you we want you to be fully yourself during the application process because if aggie gals isnt the right fit we want to make sure you find your true place at texas a&m which will probably be in an organization with lower standards we look for girls who are willing to grow as people (but only if theyre already cool confident and pretty) one of the questions we get asked a lot is how many girls will you be taking this semester well the answer is that we dont have a set amount and will just take as many girls as we see fit you should remember this when you receive your rejection email because it means that none of the girls accepted were more deserving than you and that you are objectively just not the kind of person we want in our organization if you follow our advice and just be yourself this should hit you particularly hard because you will be able to take it personally there is no one kind of girl for aggie gals we pride ourselves on the amount of diversity we present while still maintaining one homogenous personality when you write your application dont just tell us what we want to hear be yourself; we want to get to know the real you our organization doesnt have any criteria for admissions besides our personal opinions about whether we want to be friends with you and we probably wont since our acceptance rate is lower than the transfer rate into mays rock on with your boss babe self aggie gals recruitment committee ring chunks
in a bullheaded attempt to fit in cynthia berry boldly claimed to live in the historic district friday afternoon despite living at the corner of welsh and southwest parkway an entire half mile from the historic districts residential limits hoping to participate in her friends conversation berry offered her home as the meeting place for tomorrows afternoon walk thats so kind but i think we should meet somewhere a little closer to… said alaina king looking to danielle henson for help explaining berrys misstatement current residents are not taking the news lightly with some likening the statement to acts of fraud such as stolen valor its just not the same said a visibly upset bradley stills i worked hard to get here i went out and met all the right people who does she think she is sources confirm that this is not the first of berrys social blunders noting that last spring she mentioned her desire to have her own bedroom and bathroom a comment that likely eliminated any and all chances of living in the coveted area homewrecking crew
after months of data collection and statistical analysis the texas a&m university department of statistics has released their latest study concerning a possible relationship between a given individuals masculinity and the number of hats displayed on the dashboard of their trucks testing at a 95% significance level and using a multivariable anova and tukey hsd post-hoc test the study has concluded that there is significant evidence supporting a positive correlation between the two variables with an r2 value of 0999 and a p-value of < 000001 sample populations were collected from lot 100 and its satellite parking lots via a stratified random sampling method the strata were separated by number of hats on a given dashboard and assigned in accordance with other variables to a masculinity scale ranging from almost a woman to a real mans man a table of the variables accounted for in the study and the resulting linear regression are included below variable criteria breakdown number of 4h championships weighted based on number and size of state championship belt buckles number of snapchat streaks weighted based on gender of recipient and length of streak; extra consideration given to those who save snap messages association with mens organizations weighted based on membership organization type and length of membership number of ex-girlfriends/interests weighted based on relationship duration break-up circumstances and any relationships with her friends following separation truck brand weighted based on country of manufacture and average carbon emission fig 1 table listing possible compounding variables taken into consideration during this study and breakdowns of variable weighting fig 2 comparison of masculinity level vs number of hats on dashboard including trendline and r2 value of the many variables accounted for in this study possible confounding variables include hats on the dashboards of vehicles other than trucks men who do not own camouflage crocs men who abstain from dip and men without at least one pair of knee-high rubber wading boots in the back of their truck however it can be reported with 95% confidence that a strong relationship between the two variables studied will be observed again if sampling is repeated it is important to note that one individual observed in this study would be defined by the statistics community as an absolute madman this individual who cannot be publicly identified for privacy reasons had 20 hats on his truck dashboard that were all neon in color and all from different large animal feed stores it was reported that the department of statistics plans to conduct an additional investigation into how this man became an absolute unit flash it back ags
last week college of agriculture and life sciences students protested the increasing presence of mays business school students on west campus the agriculture students are demanding they receive the same representation and study opportunities that business students are afforded by the university first it was putting all the freshman classes and business small groups in agriculture buildings and then it was taking west campus library and changing it to the business library or whatever the fancy new name is said ryan drury a junior animal science major ive heard mays students joking about seceding and taking over west campus but now it wouldnt even surprise me canyon jennings a sophomore meat science major agreed with drurys sentiments its bad enough we have to listen to those city slickers yap about their urban living in dallas and houston in the ag cafe but now theyve taken our library rights too jennings said isnt there a place on campus for the original heart and soul of the agricultural and mechanical college of texas texas a&m university officials have responded to the protests and have assured students that the 20-year campus construction plan will include a separate area for agriculture students the new building plans are to be discussed after the planned wehner expansion is completed sometime in the next decade milidairy walk
with a new semester kicking into full gear texas a&m students have been working on their new years resolutions how is your resolution going i told myself that i wasnt going to cut class anymore but ive already messed that up ill try again next year jason colfer • 5th year student i finally started a workout plan at the rec! i will definitely keep this up for the whole semester marshall allenge • freshman physical education major i was going to start eating healthier but then i remembered how close i live to chick-fil-a and papa johns jessica mansan • freshman walton resident i want to stop smoking i look forward to joining a new organization like bca or byx to help me curb my addiction frank lesner • sophomore business major longboard of regents
general joe ramirez commandant of the corps of cadets accepted a new leadership award from the american leadership board on behalf of the corps yesterday afternoon the award was recently created to applaud institutes that educate students on effective leadership styles the corps was bestowed the education of extortion achievement award for successfully using manipulation tactics to cultivate leadership i am very pleased to accept this award general ramirez said we have earned this as a result of the intentional efforts of my leadership team we take great strides to teach our cadets to lead effectively the accolade commended many of the practices commonplace within the corps for strengthening the culture of coercion this environment is built from the top general ramirez said we recruit ex-drill instructors with either alcohol problems divorces or both they are an easily controlled group additionally we usually choose cadets with military contracts for key leadership positions that way it is easy to hold something over their head should they try to act out with the primary faces of leadership subject to manipulation other leaders quickly follow suit cadets will not do anything unless there is a threat of getting a restricted weekend sure they might not be happy but they do what we want and that is the point of leadership concluded ramirez hazed and confused
fish i write this to you with a heavy heart and more specifically heavy lungs like you i was once an impressionable young freshman i watched my fish camp counselors rip fat clouds and i envied their seamless avoidance of common physical health reactions it was so edgy with an obsessive desire to be included i began inhaling in short spurts to seem cool before long i was one in the crowd blowing os and slowly but surely increasing in social status i would take bathroom breaks between classes and get so buzzed in the stall that i had to grip the door to stay upright i was changing pods daily and was on a first-name basis with the counter guy at tooters i had everything i ever wanted i was living on vape cloud nine that was then… and this is now as a junior two years has given me the time to become an expert on the subject an expert who demands my opinion be heard take a glimpse into the life of a juul survivor… i went to the rec just last week and couldnt make it more than two laps around the track without heavy breathing i never could do that anyway but it sure isnt happening now i also get these minor headaches a couple of times a week usually after not getting enough sleep but im pretty sure its because my body is craving nicotine the life of a recovering addict like myself is brave and challenging but its not easy juuling has completely altered my life and i dont want the same to happen to you hopefully my raw unapologetic testimony will resonate with you dozens of months ago i was ignorant just like you but now i am a proud survivor of juuling and an anti-vaping advocate my chances of facing health issues have slightly and irreversibly grown save yourself before its too late maroon gloat
following a weekend girls trip to austin communication major brittany mallory fulfilled the basic obligations of a typical college student last monday reports indicate that mallory attended not only her morning media campaigns lecture but also her afternoon literature for children class its been a really exhausting day mallory said when asked about her standard monday schedule overcoming the hardship of being a student isnt always easy witnesses report seeing mallory spend time between classes fully dressed and meeting in the library for a group project the mugdown found that mallory even managed to appear at a meeting for an organization she voluntarily signed up for every time i make it to all my commitments or turn in an assignment on time i treat myself mallory said i thought about skipping my second class but since i didnt i obviously deserved a nap when i got home while preliminary observations show a distinct positive correlation between rewarding oneself and the ability to complete lifes most basic tasks it is still unclear whether mallorys treat-yo-self mentality has any causal effect century pee
the wilson aggie service program (wasp) announced the success of their application season last week the organization a leadership and service seminar that offers a significant weekend experience for underclassmen reached the highest proportion of diversity in organizational history according to executive staff the highly distinguished wasp delegates selected for the program now represent two top tier sororities two highly esteemed fraternities and both of the most competitive mens organizations wasp director kristi emerson commended former and fellow executives for their efforts during recruitment to gain new delegates the results of our rush i mean application process astounded me emerson said through sign holding on athens drive going door to door in callaway house and relying on our own personal networks we found exactly the wasp delegates we were looking for fellow members and staff of the organization also applauded this achievement as a proud sister in chi kappa phi i am very happy to see my sisters finally represented as members said abby marshall the assistant director of wasp i remember when only girls in pi delta had a shot of being chosen and now we have become so much more open to diversity justin yancy a fellow wasp executive and member of the aggie males club agreed with marshalls sentiments now it doesnt matter which country club we played at growing up because the organizational diversity of each member will provide incredible diversity of thought (the wilson aggie service program accepts freshman and sophomore applicants each fall and welcomes all applications to continue the legacy of wasp leadership and service) milidairy walk
texas a&m university students have noticed an uptick in angry online posts about campus traditions while entitled old ags complaining is nothing new the increased volume has many students worried the mugdown recently conducted its own investigation into the phenomenon william overton jr an industrial distribution major sat down with mugdown interviewers after admitting he was user old4rmyisd3ad its my dad overton said i laugh at his jokes i agree with his rants and i keep my mouth shut when he makes fun of my fellow students i do everything right so why cant he just respect me overton then burst into tears blaming his generation for depriving him of the college experience that real men had in the 80s it seems that many students share in overtons behavior after some digging it turned out that nearly half of the most sanctimonious posters were actually current students it would seem that many of these students choose to win favor with the old ags by imitating their talking points the mugdown reached out to william overton sr for comment its pathetic really said the elder overton hes my son and i love him but i cant stand what hes become i want a son who has the courage to disagree with me when he thinks im wrong not a yes man kids need to stop worrying about what us old people have to say and enjoy their time in college hazed and confused
after careful thought and prayer sophomore bioenvironmental science major carolyn smithers realized gods will was for her to end her relationship with her long-term boyfriend jeremy lang apparently god told her we should breakup but he didnt say why said lang when asked about the reason for their breakup this sudden turn of events came soon after smithers attended a weekend retreat at a friends church while on retreat smithers met many people including junior accounting major jacob price in the past two weeks price and smithers have gotten to know each other and cultivated a friendship in an interview with the mugdown price shared his views on his budding relationship with smithers i really want to do things right with carolyn price said i think i am going to ask her to go on a coffee date but i want to pray more about it and talk with my mentor during the interview price and his friends shared their struggles discerning gods will for their relationships many of them expressed their frustration with praying about whether the dates are the right step since they dont yet know if they get along with the girls in question i just wish there was a way i could sit down and get to know carolyn better [to see if we should pursue a relationship] price said at time of publishing no further action has been taken as price awaits a more explicit sign from god the dixie wiccan
several eyewitness reports indicate that a high-ranking female member of the texas a&m university corps of cadets has been openly defecating and urinating on the texas a&m campus the shocking reports from students faculty and anonymous sources within e-2 company seem to suggest that the cadet in question has physically relieved herself in broad daylight almost every single day of the last four years without reprimand sources say the cadet tended to sniff around trees and patches of grass before exposing herself in full view of the student body the cadet rarely even wore clothes while doing so opting to be scantily clad in maroon robes if she wore anything at all the mugdown has reached out to representatives from the university the corps of cadets and e-2 company for comment hullakazoo
reminiscing about her time as an aggie graduating senior amy sandford reported that she couldnt wait to let another soulless profiteering institution dictate her life for a change my time here has been a blessing sandford said but i do feel like im finally ready to take the next step [into the massive life-sucking pit that is corporate america] having spent four years subjecting herself to the whims of a cold inhospitable administration hell-bent on ignoring her basic needs in pursuit of a fatter bottom line sandford feels ready to hand over her fate to another equally callous private establishment thankfully i have a few job opportunities lined up [at companies that might as well be run by skeletor] already sandford said still im trying to keep my options open [to sustain the illusion of personal choice] like a dog blindly chasing after a ball its owner only pretended to throw sandford is reportedly thrilled to offer her precious time and effort to faceless executives in exchange for lasting comfort and security its going to be hard saying goodbye sandford said i feel like ive made so many memories here [in the hours when i wasnt terminally bored or on the verge of an anxiety attack] but now i feel like the whole world is opening up for me theres no telling where ill go from here! analysts predict that sandford will most likely take a full-time position at the same company she interned for last summer hate it immediately and slog along for two years before returning to graduate school to start the cycle over again hullakazoo
local home improvement businesses have seen a dramatic increase in revenue over the past few months the increased business has been predominantly driven by sigma alpha fraternity brother blake goosemans ability to destroy drywall in a fit of rage ive been under a lot of stress so ive had a pretty short temper lately gooseman said when i get really angry i just need to do something so i take it out on the wall after ive cooled down i just call some workers the next day to come fix the drywall its a miracle said charles sloan the owner of a local home improvement shop ive made more money repairing drywall in the last month than over the last five years combined goosemans outbursts are so frequent that the home repair industry in college station has been completely revitalized as a result several new shops have opened up in town to capitalize on the phenomenon hazed and confused
after performing together for more than 110 years in kyle field the yell leaders announced wednesday afternoon that they were officially breaking up citing personal and creative differences the announcement comes after a number of erratic performances throughout the season in which yell leaders showed up visibly intoxicated bickered with each other on the field and confused the student section with off-tempo direction as much as we want to give the 12th man our all it has become apparent that our visions for the groups future dont match said the yell leaders in a social media announcement it would be unfair to the fans to pretend otherwise and try to perform as usual starting as an impromptu performance by freshman cadets to impress girls in 1907 the yell leaders became a staple of texas a&m culture in its early years the group gained notoriety for their small shows at basketball games before being catapulted to college station stardom through their longtime residency at kyle field hit singles such as farmers fight locomotive and the ever-popular btho (opposing team) both defined and transcended the generations for which they were written despite their constantly rotating lineup young fans throughout the years fell head over heels for the classic archetypes each member represented: the bad boy the junior the ugly one the blonde and occasionally the minority though fan support held through the ups and downs of the yell leaders history (including the critically-maligned rick perry era) the 2019 season ultimately proved tumultuous beyond repair at press time rumors were already swirling about a potential karsten lowe solo project hullakazoo
texas a&m university announced this wednesday that sterling c evans library is set to be demolished within the year once demolished a mini-golf course will be built in its place this is another advancement in student recreation options said university spokesperson janine klein klein elaborated that this was a result of the university tirelessly trying to better the experience it offers for its students the announcement comes after several blinnteam and rellis protests which have aimed to bring awareness to the lack of housing and learning spaces available for students provisionally accepted into texas a&m what is the point of a golf course when 10 000 students cant even take all their classes on campus said organizer brandie hawkins i dont care about 12 holes i care about the 12th man blue biker
at approximately 12:05 am on friday morning senior industrial distribution major trevor laber purchased a round of shots for his group at the popular bar twelve following an intense debate over who would purchase the lemon drops and kamikazes laber held up his chase debit card as a sign that he would foot the thirteen dollar bill i cant believe trevor was willing to spend $2 on me thats how you know that hes a real friend said carla marsch laber works a part-time job at the student recreation center which allows him the necessary funds for such an expense following his purchase laber spent twenty minutes in the bathroom and then proceeded to walk the two blocks back to his apartment shaking hands as he left the venue buffalo wild wags
this morning junior cadet daniel mcdonald of company h-2 made the decision to wear a backpack to class rather than carry two spirals and his macbook air unbeknownst to mcdonald he decreased his chances of getting laid to only 2 percent weve been following mcdonalds case for a few years he started with a single spiral and pen freshmen year then moved to a spiral and a laptop sophomore year and is now going to class with two spirals and a laptop said an unnamed representative from the corps of cadets marketing team he started with a 32 percent chance of getting laid fish year which dropped to a 21 percent chance sophomore year and he now is at a low 2 percent his junior year theres definitely a correlation between wearing a backpack and not getting any in the past members of the corps were not allowed to wear backpacks unless they were in the class c (camouflage) uniform however as academics became more of a priority for the organization the commandants team changed the rule to allow cadets to wear of a variety of book bags including backpacks when i was a senior i carried a single piece of notebook paper and my can of wintergreen to class nothing else i couldnt keep the girls off of me said trey lardon a fifth-year construction science major the corps of cadets marketing team is currently conducting a study to prove the relationship between wearing a backpack and not going to poon-town is actually causal the mugdown will continue to monitor the story as new developments occur buffalo wild wags
after failing to pass a budget for the 2020-2021 fiscal year during last wednesdays session texas a&m universitys student government association was forced to shut down until an agreement could be reached while initial consequences of this shutdown were unknown experts now predict that this failed government legislation will leave thousands of texas a&m students unaffected in any way according to reports spirits remain high on campus as constituents continue to give student government no thought at all statisticians anticipate that student concern about the sga shutdown will show no significant trends within the next five weeks what said senior darren blalack when asked if he was worried about how the student government shutdown would affect his daily life other students expressed similar disinterest and general ignorance of the event we are working very hard to make things right said student body president mikey jaillet i know our constituents are counting on us to pass meaningless resolutions and promise reforms we have no power to enact i refuse to let them down members of jaillets staff are currently crafting a detailed email concerning the shut down to send en masse to 68 000 student spam folders though the length of the shutdown is currently unknown officials have concluded that student life will continue with little to no change for the foreseeable future washboard ags
junior physics major aaron putz announced today that his mother was forcing him to skip the upcoming game against louisiana state university for his fathers funeral now that im in college i think its time for her to loosen the leash putz said im twenty years old and i dont need her to tell me what my priorities should be according to her son mrs putz has had a history of manipulative behavior in recent years the family matriarch came under fire in 2017 for forcing her son to hug her goodbye after they moved him into his dorm and again later that year for making him join the family for thanksgiving her record in supporting important aggie football games is spotty at best its just unreasonable this is the most important game of the year putz said honestly we could have planned around this my dad should have anticipated this thirty years ago when he agreed to work in a factory where he was exposed to asbestos baptism by dryer
howdy congratulations! director staff has selected you to be a part of fish camp 2020 staff as a chairperson! this is a huge accomplishment go ahead and take a deep breath and enjoy this moment this is going to be one of the most degrading and exhausting years of your life there will be highs and there will be lows (mostly lows) but the mugdown has full faith that you are absolutely not ready to take every bit of it on throughout the chair selection process you have proven that you have the social media clout bank account balance and social climbing ability necessary to get the job done we hope you are as excited for the journey ahead as we are and we cannot wait to start working together for fish camp 2020 we have put together a faq guide for your benefit and ease throughout your year as a chair it will be a tough journey so get ready for those evals and review boards people! want your own vision make sure it isnt diverse parents will be annoyed that people at this university dont identify completely with the christian bubble values that everyone in fish camp upholds looking for that perfect partner make sure to go off of social status completely if they are not in the same tier as you socially make sure you anti-pref them! we dont need camps showing the actual diverse population of students and organizations the university has to offer dont want your counselors to date make sure to label yourselves as a family camp so that any feelings towards each other will be viewed as incestuous (this will solidify us in the same mold of all sec schools; incest is best!) hate your partner open communication is so important so make sure to vent about it to all of your counselors so theyll take your side when camp breaks down! dont want to read apps thats okay social media exists for a reason! if the applicant doesnt have at least 2000 followers then theyre not for you (better luck finding a role in t-camp!) want a third year the less effort in their app the better theyll be! they have to save all their energy to do your job when camp falls apart make sure to set more money aside for their gift too! review must have been really hard for them want to do new skits too bad! youre required to keep doing remakes of the 90s snl sketches that existed before you and your freshmen were even born better pick out your former cheerleaders and semi-attractive athletic dudes for counselor first because a washed–up version of spartan yell isnt going to perform itself! aggie spirit! cant decide on a shirt idea figure that out freshmen remember these more than any other aspect of camp how else are they supposed to recognize their counselors that they havent seen since lakeview cant afford to pay for crafts honestly you should probably just drop now if you cant prove your love to your counselors through a series of cheaply made picture crafts that end up costing you hundreds of dollars you definitely cant welcome the freshmen into this university either take out another student loan or get out while you still can scared about continuity existing make sure to have your app the night you get back from camp! getting drinking out of the way the first night after camp will ensure that your counselors will be freshmen-focused from here on out apps are just a bandaid your camp has to pull off – we all know the purpose of fish camp isnt to find people to party with nervous about your counselors getting chair apply to d-staff and host a mock group process before the actual event happens! theres no way they wont make it through after that (if you have anything to say about it) after all nepotism is fish camps eighth core value! we hope this answers all of your questions about this upcoming year no matter how hard this year is keep in mind that nobody is going to remember your camp in three years as with every meeting (which is essentially put into an email with the exact same information a day later) we will end this on our vision statement (much like the pledge of allegiance youll learn to repeat these words but place absolutely no value in them): an aggie family supporting all freshmen (…sometimes) wehner dog & dead pullout society
local coffee shops have begun to implement confessional corners for christian students who seek to engage in intentional conversations with their male and female counterparts these confessional corners are designed to provide a casual space for intimate and personal conversations to occur in a coffee shop without distracting surrounding customers with details of say ones fall from grace during last semesters study abroad this also prevents patrons from interrupting other patrons study sessions with stories of their drunken hookups in hullabaloo hall during freshman year i am so glad coffee shops are taking advantage of these! said junior desmond grant a 2020 impact co-chair i can use these confessional corners for sharing my testimony praying with freshmen and even having dtrs! i wish they would have added these sooner now when people see me go in and out theyll have no doubt about my spiritual devotion results have been positive regarding the usage of these new spaces many coffee shops have seen an increase in business and some have even started serving drinks in the confessional for those engaged in lengthier conversations early reports indicate that local catholics are ecstatic about the new confessional corners as it finally includes them in relevant christian bubble stereotypes longboard of regents
oh hey heather is here i wonder what she brought wow that is a huge container is that…potato salad why would anyone make potato salad for a potluck i brought wings those damn wings cost me $25 and heather thought it was okay to bring her moms recipe for potato salad god i hate her why couldnt she bring drinks or chips like a normal person now i just have to figure out how to get away with getting a little bit of everything except the potato salad oh god it doesnt even look good is it supposed to be yellow it smells like death (if death had sweaty feet) alright i looked at it and said yum when she was looking that should be okay right dammit shes still looking at me i might have to actually put some of it on my plate you know what no hell no i am not even touching this mess in fact i am going to do everyone here a favor and knock this slime off the table and right into the trash can i will make it look like an accident and everything okay here goes nothing… whoops oh no oh wow how did that happen i am so sorry heather… i didnt mean to do that at all this is such a tragedy because i love potato salad wow and it looked so good too… i cant believe i actually did it suck it heather now nobody has to smell your stale mayonnaise oh look sarah is finally here i bet she brought something good wait no please is that… coleslaw whoop-tang clan
pending the inevitable resignation of head coach jimbo fisher after this lackluster season texas a&m university officials have been forced to pursue alternative coaching options the search was initially expected to take months; however multiple viable candidates have been found in a single trip to kyle fields third deck according to texas a&m athletics several students called in during the last home game to recommend sophomore derrick hoodlan for the coaching position hoodlan had very strong opinions on a number of play calls and coaching decisions made during the game jimbo really screwed the pooch on this one hoodlan said were gonna need to make some smarter decisions if we want to improve when asked about his credentials for the position hoodlan admitted that he has never coached or even played football alright so ive never been out on the field hoodlan said but ive been listening to my father yell at the television and call wade phillips an idiot since i was a little kid so you could say its in my blood hoodlan proceeded to demonstrate that he knew everything necessary to be a head coach such as the difference between nickel and dime formations the season statistics for the entire offensive squad and the fact that the blitz is an infallible and foolproof tactic for every defensive drive hoodlan joins a long list of applicants from the student section of kyle field awaiting the impending resignation of the current head coach jimbo fisher declined to comment when asked about the situation choosing instead to lie face-up in the center of kyle field with a wistful look in his eyes that seemed to wonder if only… hullabaloo balls
another semester has flown by which means its time once again to say goodbye to our own graduating senior members just as one anxiously waits for the next bit of our content to reach the public so have these friends of ours been waiting to be made known to the world their time contributing to the mugdown is coming to an end but the legacy and satire they leave behind will live on congratulations to our graduating seniors!
texas a&m university fraternity zeta theta psi has recently faced criticism for hosting a white trash bash themed party what do you think i was there it was disgusting the backyard was minuscule they ran out of beer and there wasnt even an area where i could smoke pot horrible lloyd logan 22 • finance major haha! what a theme! thats hilarious i hadnt heard anything about it until now i was actually at a colonial bros & nava-hoes party that night and would have left if i had known… i wouldve had to change out of my headdress and into my poor white people clothes though jesus chambers 23 • geography major people get so offended these days if you want multiple flavors of potato chips go buy them yourself cecilia hammond 21 • sga diversity commissioner i personally dont see what is wrong with it all of the people dressed in their fake pregnant bellies buck teeth walmart clothes and work boots obviously meant to honor the dirty trailer trash whites by doing so ana johnston 23 • international studies major thanks & gingham
earlier this week jake hipscomb a four-star linebacker out of plano high school announced that he will commit his commitment has been much anticipated by his coaches teachers parents and girlfriend after neglecting his school work and relationships for three years hipscomb reported that he would reveal his commitments this friday in an image posted to his twitter account hipscomb included the following: these are my top 5 in no order…mom geography girlfriend brother english iv… please respect my decision!! i am ecstatic to finally see jake make his decision said hipscombs on- and off-again girlfriend of three years he has grown tremendously over these past few years and will excel in whatever he commits to i dont understand the excitement surrounding this announcement said jakes former chemistry teacher jake told me that he would ‘commit to learning lewis structures yet he quickly broke his word and dozed off every class period anticipation of hipscombs twitter announcement will be at an all-time high this friday as many anxiously await to see what he will commit to and how long that commitment will last longboard of regents
students were greeted with an unusual sight last monday morning when their biology professor dr john mazle cradled a peers dog for the entire class alisha barden a sophomore management major told the mugdown that she decided to bring her seven-year-old chihuahua betsy to class because she thought it would be fun barden clarified that betsy is a pet and not a service animal betsys pretty chill barden said i mean she barks at most men but i didnt think itd be too disruptive to the class according to barden mazle took betsy from her when he noticed the dog peeing on the backpack of the student seated next to her he proceeded to cradle the dog for the rest of the lecture pausing for photo opportunities so students could document the altruistic event on social media onlookers reported that the professor struggled to contain the writhing betsy in his arms during his lecture betsy allegedly even snapped at his fingers when he gestured towards the cladogram projected on the screen yeah ill probably bring her again barden said heldenfalls & ring chunks
information was released this morning suggesting major inaccuracies in current historical narratives at texas a&m university in a shocking turn of events new reports asserted that every beloved tradition has been instituted within the last six years a two-year study analyzing the history of each major tradition revealed that most customs date back to 2013 at the earliest with some notable institutions such as saying howdy and having yell leaders appearing as recently as june of this year the study notes that eight traditions materialized during the timespan of the project alone while it is common knowledge that some traditions like not walking on the university seal in academic plaza are recent additions to campus culture it appears that almost every other one was invented sometime in the last half-decade anthropologist dr adrian fassbender said when asked how every student was unaware of each traditions relative youth he stated i dont know i guess most people have only been going here for like four years max further investigation revealed that every students older sibling was fully aware of this inaccuracy additional prompting revealed that there were two to three reveilles a year when they attended the university baptism by dryer
with its two month demonstration coming to an end texas a&m transportation services has announced its autonomous shuttle is a success that faithfully replicates every mistake aggie spirit bus drivers make within a typical work shift the shuttle was meant to create a microcosm that makes students feel like they are riding a normal bus said a transportation services representative that includes always running late smelling like mildew and suddenly braking like the stop signs havent been in the same spot for over a decade the shuttle is equipped with gps so that it can adequately ignore directions additionally the shuttle uses lidar for obstacle detection so that it can properly stop for pedestrians on the sidewalk 300 feet away while failing to stop for bikers at nearby intersections in order to process the combination of lidar gps and imu data the shuttle uses a specially developed cpu this cpu was modeled after the amygdala and prefrontal cortex of college students to give the shuttle an equally aggressive disposition at randomly selected intervals determined by a specially designed random number generator the shuttles computer will enter texting mode thanks to its dual core processor the computer simultaneously sends a semi-coherent text while justifying pointlessly risking other peoples lives on rainy days the shuttle bypasses its eleven passenger limit and allows additional passengers onboard the shuttle also uses text-to-speech and its six internal speakers to sternly remind passengers to take off their backpacks and place them on the floor transportation services hopes to replace student drivers with automated shuttles and buses within the next decade providing students with jobs can be beneficial transportation services said in an official statement but were glad that we can soon stop begging students to have one of the worst jobs on campus anime sciences
this past thursday sophomore jonah turner opted to wear full-length pants and a long-sleeved shirt underneath a sweatshirt turner topped off his look with a texas a&m branded beanie and a thrifted flannel in a weak effort to follow the socially determined rules for winter fashion following review by the man council which consists of one representative from each predominantly male social group including fraternities all-male service organizations corps of cadets outfits and other mens special interest groups turners man card was revoked with temperatures in college station dropping rapidly in the past few weeks many students have begun sticking it to the weather by wearing shorts and t-shirts with flagrant disregard for the temperature or wind chill while it is not known exactly what compels students to assert their masculinity in this fashion sources have speculated that it could be an attempt to attract potential partners or just general incompetence i dont understand why they took my man card away turner said last time i wore a tank top in this weather i got pneumonia when i tried to bring that up in my appeal to the council they called me ‘small and made me leave the section of the weight room they were meeting in when asked for comment a representative for the man council provided data from a survey conducted by the department of statistics as shown above 98% of students have found that it is not manly to show regard for your own personal health or comfort the man council also issued the following statement: we the man council of texas a&m university have been charged with upholding the standard of masculinity at this prestigious institution the following clothing has been set as the dress code for cold weather wear: • any form of athletic shorts not extending past the knee • any shirt with sleeves not extending more than 4 inches down the upper part of the arm • closed-toed shoes acceptable open-toed shoes preferred socks must not extend past the lower part of the calf • baseball and trucker hats are the only accepted headwear unless otherwise specified any attire found to be in disagreement with the dress code will be subject to review by the man council and is grounds for discipline and suspension or revocation of offendees man card jackets beanies gloves and scarves are grounds for automatic revocation it is expected that turner will not be the only student stripped of his masculinity this winter as the man council begins to crack down on dissenters flash it back ags
last wednesday ap beutel health center officials announced that the clinic will prescribe essential oils in place of traditional medicine we have been getting feedback for years from patients reporting misdiagnoses and prolonged illness after visiting our health center said kimberly santano the director of student health services at beutel based on this feedback experts at our facilities have concluded that western medicine must be ineffective we have decided to try essential oils and see if that fixes the problem after administering essential oils in a double-blind study researchers found that subjects in the control and experimental group still ended up seeking treatment from healthcare providers at other local clinics the way i see it is this: the results are about the same but essential oils smell way better we think this is the most logical next step santano said student worker nursing assistant jana bethels referred to as nurse bethels by her beutel colleagues and patients spoke with the mugdown about the transition to alternative medicine saying the switch was empowering to swnas who were never treated like professionals before i was not allowed to prescribe medication before but now i can prescribe essential oils to my patients i worked hard to complete my six weeks of medical training and now i will finally have the same authority as any doctor when asked about the small sample size used in the study the beutel staff reasoned that 75 percent of students are faking illness anyway so the sample size of five subjects is actually representative of 20 students and can be evaluated along a normal distribution curve beutel staff is hopeful that the added placebo effect will increase patient satisfaction with campus healthcare services even if the oils prove ineffective washboard ags
earlier this week barbara graff dean of the texas a&m university college of engineering confirmed rumors that all industrial distribution classes would be moved to the rooftop of the zachry engineering education complex in order to keep them out of sight from prospective students donors and accreditors in an effort to make the department look better a new initiative was implemented that bases classroom assignment on the difficulty of each respective course this initiative would seek to enhance the reputation of the college of engineering by putting more intensive courses on display in high traffic areas its just better this way graff said during an interview about the decision when visitors come through we want them to see stressed-out students working on complicated equations and endless lines of code our valuable educational space should be prioritized for the real engineering majors the idis department is no stranger to backlash within the engineering department as they are the only engineering discipline lacking an abet certification many students compare industrial distribution to its business counterpart supply chain management; however neither mays nor dwight look officials want to take full ownership of them this new move is great said lecturer eric steadman being at the top of zachry is a great metaphor for our industrial distribution students as they are highly qualified when they get into the industry this really shows the proficiency and distinction of our program by the way did you know that our department has a 99% job placement classes are to begin instruction in their new locations beginning at the start of the spring semester longboard of regents
texas a&m university officials announced they will in a press statement released tuesday evening according to the statement they plan to carry out within the coming weeks which aims to over the next five years this comes in response to which have on multiple occasions been last year more than 2 000 students at least once during the fall semester with this the university hopes to and at the same time our students have always said president michael young so its fitting that we embody while also as much as we can its not enough to simply we must if we are to ever big ideas we are students expressed this seems to but im a bit whether or not it can sophomore sarah goffman said that said i cant wait to what it will if its what then itll be should texas a&m choose many may assuming they are sec academic rules indicate but if they should students will want some such students were more im third-generation aggie freshman jacob vaught said obedience traditions values if they think theyre gonna then theyve got a lot especially these days our campus shouldnt my grandfather is racist hullakazoo
searching for a way to break through her current workout plateau texas a&m university sophomore marsha hill decided to incorporate a new lift into her daily workout routine on tuesday after an intense warm-up of mirror flexes hill induced muscle confusion as she performed a one rep snapchat post accompanied by a caption reading its a great day for a 6 am workout at 6:52 am weight room employees were seen assembling an experienced team of gym rats to act as spotters in case the social media lift went tragically wrong worried for hills safety rec center guest eric simmons preemptively contacted the on-site medical team who burst into the weight room with finger splints in hand after tightening her weight belt hill turned on her favorite travis scott song took a deep breath and pushed the send button a roar of applause went up as hill quietly repocketed her cell phone employees shared their appreciation for hills efforts to maintain a clean lifting space when she used her towel to wipe the remaining sweat from her eyebrow not only did she do an amazing job of remembering to bring a workout towel said manager alyson griffin but she even used it to wipe down the lifting equipment to conclude her workout hill performed a superset of breathing and drinking at the water fountain before heading to the locker room to shower in social media affirmations homewrecking crew
a recent survey found that 86% of texas a&m university students have asked total strangers to watch their stuff while they used the restroom or otherwise left their belongings unattended the survey was conducted by the university police department as part of their efforts to reduce theft on campus this study confirmed what we already knew: students idiotically leave their expensive laptops in the care of random strangers just because its convenient said university police chief michael ragan im all for reducing theft but its kind of hard to accomplish that when students are practically handing over their devices to criminals similarly 55% of students reported that strangers have asked them to watch their stuff on campus oh yeah people ask me all the time said sophomore entomology major brenda hartey i usually look up for a few seconds and then get distracted by my phone again the discrepancy in the two figures reported by the study illustrates a dark underside to the phenomenon: students profile those around them to decide who is safest to ask to watch their stuff i usually look for a girl who is wearing an oversized t-shirt and has cutesy stickers on her laptop said senior construction science major charles whitmey she wont want my crappy dell if she already has a rose gold macbook air right heldenfalls
the aggie honor system office (ahso) announced last wednesday that dr michael gunderson has been accused of self-plagiarism gunderson a tenured psychology professor known for his robust psyc 107 test banks is alleged to have been reusing content from the last 11 years of sections hes been teaching self-plagiarism has been adjudicated by the ahso for years but its description was recently expanded in student rule 201234 it is typically applied when students retake a course and resubmit an assignment from a previous semester without significantly altering it representatives of the ahso declined to comment on gundersons case but they did indicate this was the first time a faculty member had been accused of self-plagiarism through their office its ridiculous that i am being reported for self-plagiarism gunderson said ive re-taught this course 21 times and its not my fault that some of these idiots had to take this class multiple times how can i be expected to come up with new content for material i already know the mugdown reached out to hunter atkins a junior sports management major who took psyc 107 during his sophomore year dude i coasted through gundersons class atkins said you could straight up not show up for a single lecture and be just fine the dude practically encourages you to use quizlet other students shared the same sentiment when interviewed adding that gunderson has reportedly used the same test questions since 2009 other professors are making minor formatting changes to their lecture powerpoints in response to the allegations it is expected that department heads will begin requiring professors to run their lectures through turnitin before they are presented next semester flash it back ags and heldenfalls
this monday junior computer science major karen reeves was seen on campus driving a golf cart for her job at the texas a&m foundation multiple sources report her looking so cool so fancy many eyewitnesses described reeves as appearing extremely majestic and important while she drove around campus in a university-owned golf cart chauffeuring important guests to their destinations her beautiful driving skills garnered the adoration of every student in her vicinity with the exception of the pedestrians trying to use the sidewalk without being run over when i got this job i never expected it would turn me into a local celebrity said reeves in an exclusive interview with the mugdown people i havent talked to in years are crawling out of the woodwork and begging me for a ride to class reevess interview was abruptly ended when a passenger requested to be driven to their congressional medal of honor ceremony ring chunks
on tuesday evening judge melissa walker delivered the final ruling in sofc v texas a&m university walker found three student organization finance center (sofc) employees guilty of fraud for operating a multi-million dollar ponzi scheme through the use of student organization funds with numerous policies existing to enforce high ethical standards within student organizations the decision came as a surprise to several sofc employees we must have been too busy searching for organization fraud to realize our own annie velasquez said student leaders from across campus met thursday evening to plan the transition of all texas a&m organization funds into more financially responsible institutions that provide increased deposit usage transparency i called a local bank and they said they would even pay us each month just to deposit our money with them said organization treasurer elijah tobin imagine all the good we could do with that extra money mugdown treasurer
in a recent attempt to staunch toxic masculinity the commandants office placed a female cadet in every single leadership position on the quad from outfit guidon to corps commander the change will come into effect october 28th to demonstrate that the commandants staff values equality due to females only representing 12-20% of the corps population some positions remain unfilled as there were not enough active female cadets to fill them we have a culture problem in the corps definitely said general ramirez when asked why he decided to enact the changes the best antidote for that cultural disease is an influx of female leadership starting from the top down as of right now 20% of our leadership positions remain vacant but we are maintaining dialogue with multiple female non-regs that would be willing to join the corps of cadets to fill those leadership positions the only aspect of the corps of cadets that remains unaffected by changes are the eight all-male units represented in each military reserve officer training corps branch they will continue to have male unit leadership for an indefinite amount of time in 1990 the corps of cadets made the decision to integrate females into all units of the corps but these eight units still remain unintegrated thirty years later when questioned about the status of the all-male units general ramirez mumbled alumni and donations but he refused to expand further if they were to integrate my outfit [e-3] do you know how many donations would be pulled from the corps of cadets association and the university as a whole said jeb marshall a current all-male unit commander the commandants office wont ever touch us no matter what platform theyre putting on for the university our alumni give the big bucks and no amount of wag empowerment can change that ⁠buffalo wild wags
travis cantey had just about given up on love sitting in beutel for the third time this semester he stared at the form in front of him absentmindedly checking the boxes that would let him get his free sti test and get on his way sure he thought im engaged to a nice girl my dad has a job lined up for me with his accounting firm and im the president of my frat but isnt there more to life he slumped a little lower in that cold hard chair and let his head drop resigned to his fate as a successful businessman with a loving wife little did he know his life was about to change forever brooke simmons was beyond stressed out her freshman year was not living up to the dream she had been promised by her fish camp counselors she wasnt used to the hustle and bustle of bryan-college station; everything was so much bigger here than in her hometown the quaint cayuga texas she longed for the glow of the towns stoplight on her vintage trucks windshield for the familiar comfort of the four walls of her familys general store for the feeling of a paintbrush in her hand as she dotted works of pointillism like georges seurat why had she come to college when all she wanted to do was take over the family business and continue her hobby (not that anyone would ever recognize her talent) back at home everyone knew who she was her neighbors loved her her parents adored her and every guy in town thought she was the most beautiful woman on two legs here she was just a number these thoughts raced in her head as she shied up to the front door of beutel embarrassed that she even had to be seen there as she stepped inside she was transported back to one fateful night at the beta tau beta house it was friday of howdy week and the night was still young as her roommate sierra busied herself with preparations for a night out brooke couldnt help but wonder what it would be like to experience a college party sure she had been to her fair share of pasture parties back in cayuga but there was a mysterious air surrounding the idea of going to a party with more than the same 15 people she stood up walking over to her roommates desk and clearing her throat do you think i could maybe come with you tonight she said flashing her roommate with a sweet smile her roommates ears perked up brooke was beautiful and not just in that small town im-the-only-person-in-my-town-with-all-of-my-teeth kind of way taking her to this party would solidify sierras identity as girl with the hot friends in the eyes of beta tau beta of course! sierra chirped much to brookes delight the night was a consensual blur after that and now here she was walking up to the front desk of beutel to get a free sti test it was her beautiful voice that roused travis from his stupor who was this angel was it possible that his life was about to change in the health center waiting room she sat down next to him taking care to leave a buffer seat and began hurriedly filling out the forms determined to spend as little time in this rank hell-hole as possible he pulled a cigarette from his back pocket hoping his fraternitys cigs inside affinity would finally do him some good and get this girl to notice him suddenly aware of traviss gaze on her brooke snuck a glance sideways taking in the frat-boy beauty seated next to her who was this cig-ripping adonis was it possible that her life was about to change in the health center waiting room so they sat minutes passing each leaving in turn for the promised sti test as results came back and cigarettes burned short brooke stood to leave as she reached down for her backpack a hand suddenly gripped her wrist she looked up and was met with the eyes of the man she suddenly knew she loved she opened her mouth to speak but couldnt seem to find any words; his magnetic charm had all but taken the air from her lungs in a single look he smiled mustering up the courage to profess his feelings to this beutel-ful girl i know i dont know you but i can tell in my heart that you are the woman i was meant to be with ive been lost recently wondering if anything ive done has steered me in the right direction but now i know that all ive done has led me here to this moment to the arms of my soulmate whats your name brooke spoke softly her voice dripping with the sweetness of new love im brooke brooke simmons im from a small town and quite frankly im surprised you even noticed me even though im beautiful i have unrecognized talent and ive accepted the fact that i wont amount to more than my name on the ownership papers of my familys store i am one-dimensional she stuttered incredulous at the fact that she had just divulged the entirety of her personality to this man she had just met her cheeks flamed and she turned flying out the front door of beutel with no goal but to escape her own embarrassment travis rose quickly grabbing the sti result papers that she had left behind and following his love as he walked he pulled out his phone searching desperately for his fiancees number finding it he opened a new text message as he walked hey he began its me i have found true love please dont text or call mail me the ring i need it with the message sent he broke into a run as the whooshing sound of a sent text rang in his ears travis caught brookes arm as she raced across academic plaza without so much as a word travis interlaced their fingers and hurried her to the century tree knowing in his heart what he had to do he pushed brooke onto the bench under the tree and got down on one knee brooke simmons i dont care how small your dreams are i dont care what i have to give up hell i dont even care about the moral compass that ive used to guide all of my actions and thoughts for the majority of my life all i know is that i love you and im willing to do anything to stay with you i left my fiancée ill give up my guaranteed $120 000 starting salary ill tell my family that their opinion means nothing to me because nothing matters except for the love between us lets drop out of college and move to your small town ive always wanted to own a small general store weve been through thick and thin and especially because both of our sti tests were negative im confident that we can get through anything together brooke simmons will you marry me also my name is travis brooke smiled tears forming in her eyes as she faced the future that she had secretly longed for all her life well she said her voice breaking as she laughed i never knew id have such a beutel-ful love story flash it back ags
nicole leake a junior psychology major has reportedly diagnosed nearly every one of her friends and family members with some form of mental illness last wednesday leake diagnosed her roommate with schizophrenia after a month of living together for someone with mental health issues receiving a diagnosis is the first step towards getting help leake said ive had the opportunity to learn a lot in my major its important that i use my knowledge to help others leakes roommate believes the diagnosis is inappropriate and inaccurate i was only explaining my coding homework aloud to myself to check my work gabrielle rhodes said she thinks that i have schizophrenia because i was talking to myself rhodes is one of many individuals left confused following a diagnosis from leake following his break up leake diagnosed her brother ryan with an oedipus complex when we were kids it was obvious that he had a closer almost obsessive relationship with my mom leake said ryans girlfriend was never going to stay its normal for a kid to hold his moms hand when hes crossing the street leakes brother said would it have been better if i just held some random strangers hand i asked her that and she said that would have been an indicator of obsessive love disorder leake credits her freshman year roommate julia fuller for helping her discover her love of psychology i first started noticing julias problem when she would try to get me to move away from the mirror so she could use the sink leake said she would ask me to move so she could trim her nails and every time she asked she sounded more and more frustrated the most obvious diagnosis was apotemnophilia fuller remains unconvinced that leakes diagnosis is accurate i had to keep asking her to move because she would spend an hour just looking at herself in the mirror every day fuller said to say that wanting to cut my nails means i have apotemnophilia which literally means i want to cut my arms off is ridiculous leake plans to continue using her expertise accrued from her four semesters studying psychology to tell other people what is wrong with them i really think im doing good leake said it takes a special kind of person to be able to care for someone so much that you are willing to help them see and work through their shortcomings whether they are aware of them or not leake then spent the next 45 minutes staring in the mirror and complimenting herself citing the importance of high self-esteem to avoid disruption of her id ego and superego flash it back ags & anime sciences
agony loneliness emptiness this is all that i have felt for months this is all i know yet last month something changed wooden pallets were tenderly placed upon me i hadnt been touched like that in years it was electrifying a banner was hung up on my fence lights were strewn about me i was illuminated every brick of my simple fire pit every blade of browning grass every inch of plastic foldable chair delicately stroked by glistening gentle light then it happened i was suddenly filled – covered with the soles of shoes and the energy of new beginnings music wafted over me the beats pulsing through me before i knew it the sweet savory taste of fermented grains seeped through the cracks of the pallets and into my soil i tasted it like an infant tasting its mothers milk for the first time i could almost discern the lingering taste of gold and the sense of accomplishment i thought to myself is this rebirth is this new life and then just like that it was over thin plastic ponchos were all that was left tossed haplessly in a corner the feet departed the music faded out the lights dimmed i was alone surely this is just a pause i thought this moment of vivacity couldnt be just a cruel taste of freedom could it but it was the blades of grass beneath the pallets have decomposed into my soil the plastic ponchos have gathered mold the music has never returned the foldable chairs in the corner are my only sign of life and they too are beginning to fall apart that ethereal feeling slowly fades with the glow of every passing headlight –– the only contact with the world that i still have each night nothing remains now i have nothing; i am nothing sometimes as the sun begins to set and the shadows of night appear i find my mind wandering to that night of exuberant joy thinking i hear music in the distance my only hope is in a new season a new cause for celebration but will the fulfillment of this hope ever come i can only dream tukulele
the university police department (upd) gave a press conference on monday to announce that they will be facilitating a new defensive driving course in west campus garage according to upd spokesperson angela zarles drivers will have their traffic citation dismissed if they pay the required administrative fees and successfully complete the new course patrol sergeant chales yuntz is leading the course which will be offered on a monthly basis to drivers cited for moving violations on or near the texas a&m university campus west campus garage is the perfect location for a defensive driving course yuntz said drivers can practice making sudden stops driving frustratingly slow and anticipating the actions of other shockingly reckless student drivers in a natural environment the number of traffic citations issued by upd has steadily increased since last quarter proponents hope the new option will be convenient both for local residents and the overburdened municipal court critics argue that the new defensive driving course presents a conflict of interest as the money paid by drivers taking the course will directly support the upds traffic patrol operations id rather just pay the ticket said student dominic velos when asked for comment i spend enough time navigating the hellhole that is west campus garage heldenfalls
in light of this semesters budget cuts counseling & psychological services (caps) announced a new group therapy service to improve their ability to serve the growing student body the program attempts to give students in need of mental health services a chance at receiving individual treatment participating students must fight to the death to win an appointment with a psychology intern in order to gain the skills needed to fight both their inner demons and each other students must complete a series of online modules on fighting techniques ranging from the ancient art of tae kwon do to more modern styles including the rko preliminary participants were given weapons during trials but they were quickly phased out when university officials determined hand-to-hand combat was the most cost-effective and therapeutic this new method narrows a large pool of prospective patients down to a more manageable group who have demonstrated their need for treatment by releasing the anger and trauma pent up inside of them said a caps spokesperson its a very economical method that allows us to maximize our effectiveness by reaching the students who need it the most according to caps representatives students who do not come out on top in the battle royale still receive some treatment benefits questionnaire data collected from the sanvello app indicated that non-winning students experienced a 100% decrease in stress brought by the sweet release of death plaidlibs and the maroon scare
under the influence of multiple spirits jerrod rouche opened up to a group of friends about his newfound relationship with jesus after throwing back his third vegas bomb in twenty minutes rouche caught them by surprise as he began explaining that he had left his old and sinful ways behind since meeting his lord and savior rouche made sure to pull aside his fraternity brother stephon harris who is newly single hows your heart said rouche handing harris a jägerbomb and encouraging him to find rest in the lord knowing that a mix of alcohol and repressed emotions would present the perfect environment for an intentional conversation rouche made sure to plan the discussion before leaving the pregame he attended earlier that evening while speaking with the mugdown rouche explained that he hoped the conversation would plant a seed and even made sure to invite harris to a 9 am church service i can give you a ride if you want and we can even sober up with some pollys tacos on the way rouche said i dont feel guilty anymore said rouche when asked about his views on binge drinking its all been forgiven [we can just repent tomorrow] homewrecking crew
explorers were disappointed this week when president michael k young reiterated the school policy prohibiting students from entering campuss underground utility tunnels young emphasized that entry is prohibited due to the liability risk dangerous industrial environment and the ancient evil that dwells therein every year the administration catches thrill-seekers trying to gain entrance into these dangerous spaces young said to reporters what students dont understand is that these areas are filled with hazards such as slippery floors hot surfaces and a malevolent presence that forever lurks biding its time until it can one day reclaim the world that the light stole from it this year has seen a sharp increase in disciplinary trespass cases despite bowel-shaking moans that constantly reverberate through the tunnels sunken walls and suggest that something unseen creeps deep inside the student conduct office hopes that acknowledging the unexplainable noises will discourage further break-in activity students have been sneaking into the tunnels for as long as anyone can remember just as the darkness beneath us all has existed in the fringes of human consciousness ever since cain first shed his brothers blood young said were understanding that young people make mistakes but we ask for restraint as tunnel accidents apply unnecessary pressure onto our janitorial and utilities staff baptism by dryer
name: bartholomew lainey h rank: senior involvement: aggie belles fast staff fish camp first-year counselor born: february 20th 1998 date of action: texas a&m vs university of auburn september 20th 2019 date of award: october 15th 2019 for conspicuous gallantry and intrepidity in action at the risk of her life above and beyond the call of duty senior lainey h bartholomew (then senior) distinguished herself as an attendee in the corps of cadets section batholomew stood the entirety of the football game including during the blackhawk flyover and the final moments of play despite the intense heat lack of sunglasses and the fact that all of her friends had ditched to go to chimys bartholomew stood fast never wavering in her dedication to her beloved school as the aggies were poised for a comeback early in the fourth quarter bartholomew was cited with yelling the loudest compared to those around her and encouraging the embattled juniors that lined her back to no avail the aggies lost the game disregarding her own safety bartholomew did not consume a single sip of water bravely staying dehydrated the entire game and risking heat exhaustion bartholomews profound concern for her fightin texas aggie football team went above and beyond the call of duty and is in keeping with the highest traditions of the texas a&m university student section her actions reflect great credit upon herself and all aggies of college station ⁠buffalo wild wags
last-minute preparations were made friday night as hall of champions employees hastily hung welcome signs for honored guests and the champion alabama football team since the hall of champions had not hosted a championship caliber team in well over a year staff worked late into the night to ensure a smooth welcome ceremony saturday morning its quite an honor said head football coach jimbo fisher when asked about his invitation to attend the ceremony fisher marks only the second coach in texas a&m history to experience the hall of champions in all its glory i have a championship trophy upstairs and a championship caliber team downstairs what more could a coach ask for the irregular nature of such events has prompted discussion on renaming the exclusive section of kyle field altogether at press time the front runner of the proposed name changes was career fair hall although academic officials were unavailable for comment homewrecking crew
recently corps commander luke thomas usurped mikey jaillet in a coup staged by a secret society called the maroon legion (tml) in a three minute video released on texas a&ms official twitter page and the battalions website mikey jaillet ceded student body president (sbp) responsibilities to thomas on the grounds that he was thoroughly convinced that a member of the corps of cadets was better suited to run the university though there were no weapons in the video the university police department is investigating potential foul play tml posted a meme to their website (put-your-ring-on-your-left-handcom) following the coup claiming that it had been in the works since luke thomas initiation as a senior in high school the quiet nature of the coup has caused the student body to question where their allegiances lie was jaillet the ones with the glowsticks said derek middlesome a fifth-year construction science major because i honestly would trust a corps dude over some non-reg i dont know theres just something reassuring about a guy in uniform this is the most public action yet by a secret society at texas a&m university typically the maroon legion is known for placing men in influential positions such as yell leaders big event coordinator or even corps commander as tml continues to exert its influence pushback from other powerful organizations is expected as soon as thomas reached the presidents office he promoted his deputy corps commander and invoked martial law maintaining that the university had suffered without a heavy executive hand thomas first actions as sbp were to make corps of cadets enrollment compulsory as well as to conduct a mandatory test of texas a&m traditions for every returning student to ensure they are knowledgeable enough on the history of the university to attend this beloved institution ⁠buffalo wild wags
jesus christ of nazareth was forced to delay his long-awaited second coming this week due to a lack of parking spaces on campus set to begin in aggieland the rapture took roughly two thousand years to plan it was foiled in the space of an hour by the unprecedented traffic surrounding on-campus parking like many other amenities on-campus parking has failed to keep up with the continued growth that the university experiences each year this is such a load christ cried out as he circled the lot in his jeep liberty i pay three hundred dollars for a lot 100 pass and theres not a single open spot i swear to dad this happens every time i try and visit first it was the inns in bethlehem and now this despite the frustration christ acknowledged that the trip was not a total loss theres actually some good that came out of all of this said christ as he took a picture of the standstill five oclock traffic weve been meaning to remodel purgatory for a while now and this has given me some excellent ideas the rapture joins the list of events pushed to the wayside by lacking campus resources other notable examples include y2k which was canceled due to a campus-wide connectivity issues hullabaloo balls
sweet paris an authentic french eatery located in college station announced record revenues in their earnings call monday morning while the company usually experiences positive net income year over year sweet paris had a record 30% increase in profit for the third quarter we surprised the market by knocking earnings expectations out of the park owner jaques smith said we owe it all to our loyal study abroad students returning to campus this fall after experiencing la france in addition to being of the legal drinking age i had these amazing crepes and pain au chocolat everyday in a tiny village near paris said troy blanchard a junior marketing major sweet paris is the one place that gives me that je ne sai quoi you know what i mean sophomore spanish major virginia jackson agreed this summer was truly life-changing and inspiring as i backpacked around europe instead of staying home like everyone else i take my friends to sweet paris all the time now that im back so i can regale them with stories of gelato in roma or my hazy weekend in amsterdam wait did i mention i studied abroad in addition to an outstanding third quarter and a 10% increase in instagram tags for sweet paris other restaurants in bryan-college station are also experiencing higher traffic local vietnamese and chinese eateries have reported strong returns from religious missionaries and students who claim to have found themselves this summer to combat long wait times restaurants have suggested making reservations or slipping the maître d any leftover foreign currency milidairy walk
danise merkle a senior management student was found in an emotionally distressed state at her college station home today merkle recently attended the business career fair but she failed to acquire any legitimate job prospects concerned about the wrath of her disappointed ancestors merkle has already begun searching for ways to atone for the great dishonor she has brought upon the aggie family while her classmates attended follow-up interviews and considered proposals from potential employers merkle was left asking her parents if that one coffee shop back home was still hiring when asked about her prospects for a career merkle reportedly told her parents that she just has a lot going on right now after searching linkedin for more opportunities merkle purchased a ritual dagger from amazon if she cannot find an internship merkle plans to use the dagger to commit honorable seppuku to avoid bringing further shame i just dont know what went wrong merkle said i spent an hour working on my resume i didnt send any follow-up emails or anything like that but who has time for that anyway when asked if she had researched companies before attending the fair merkle began to laugh and then to cry she also said that she had been to the career center probably once or twice eyewitnesses report that merkle could be seen at the career fair waiting in lines for five minutes at a time before getting frustrated and giving up after a few hours of sulking merkle convinced herself that the fair was a hopeless waste of time anyway getting an offer at the career fair is so arbitrary no amount of prep can guarantee success merkle said she was last seen scrolling hire aggies having decided to become a hermit like in the mountains or something hullabaloo balls
on monday tri eta senior katherine albright publicly announced that she had not made any friends in her sorority despite paying $1000 per semester in dues according to albright she came to this realization after attending a crush party friday night and failing to recognize any sisters to introduce to her dates albright reportedly has scheduled a 7:00 pm class during chapter meetings the past four semesters and has skipped all non-mandatory events to hang out with her boyfriend i dont know why she is even paying for the sorority anymore said jason durbin albrights boyfriend i keep suggesting she quit that money could go towards her savings charity or anything really when asked for their opinions most active members declined to comment because they had no idea who katherine albright even is amanda fairley albrights grand-little was angry that albright remained in the organization she should just leave fairley said while she may not think staying is bothering anyone it hurts people like me who want an active big-little family acknowledging that albrights dues are more important than her involvement tri eta leadership showed concern with the apparent lack of effort on albrights behalf why do people think you can just pay money and automatically get friends said tri eta chapter president margaret canales sororities are like any other organization you have to put in the hours and the friends come with time 12th man card & anime sciences
last week the aggie honor system office (ahso) and the board of regents voted to amend the texas a&m university honor code to an aggie does not lie cheat or use groupme or tolerate those who do the decision follows months of deliberations that sought to balance preserving tradition with the growing need to modernize university policies 54% of last years honor violations involved groupme in some form or fashion said timothy powers the director of the honor system office the new code makes it clear that groupme is an inherently academically dishonest platform any form of mass-communication among peers is ripe for cheating and simply cannot be allowed reactions to the change have been mixed among students and faculty lorelei garvent a freshman majoring in economics opposes the groupme ban because of the convenience of groupme i havent bothered to actually meet anybody in my pols 207 lecture garvent said do they expect me to just like talk to my professor when i have questions dr greg bainbridge a sociology professor and honor council faculty panelist hopes the change will reduce student anxiety by clarifying the universitys expectations regarding academic honesty with the new code in place students wont have to frantically leave a groupme en masse when one of their peers comments that the test wasnt too bad bainbridge said hopefully ill also get fewer emails from students trying to protect themselves by narcing on their fellow classmates whats groupme said dr marcia gurcet an introductory biology professor is that the online flashcards thing that has all my test questions heldenfalls
earlier this week texas a&m chancellor john sharp announced a systemwide ban on the use of all vaping and electronic cigarette products which have been gaining widespread popularity among college students and young adults this complete ban does not extend to old-school nicotine consumption methods such as cigarettes and chewing tobacco there is a serious unprecedented health crisis going on chancellor sharp said during a press event on wednesday electronic cigarettes and vaping both of which contain harmful chemicals and nicotine have been linked to sickness and lung disease multiple deaths and hundreds of lung injury cases have been reported and can only be linked back to electronic cigarettes and vaping halfway through the event he excused himself to take a smoke break outside while there are currently designated smoking areas on campus there will be no such provision for e-cigarette or vape users the health of our students faculty and staff is one of my top priorities said sharp with a lip full of chew that is why this ban applies to all system properties and outdoor spaces after pausing on stage to spit in a plastic water bottle sharp continued this decision will save the lives of countless members of the aggie family i thank you all for your cooperation while leaving the event sharp was overheard shouting get me another cigarette dammit! anonymous reports indicate that e-cigarette and vape speakeasies are rapidly being built in the steam tunnels underneath campus longboard of regents
in the greatest exposé in news reporting of the last century the mugdown scored an exclusive interview with texas a&m chancellor john sharp in which he expresses his first-ever opinion fully and completely unencumbered by the board of regents president michael k young and major donors chancellor sharp said that the time to give an unfettered opinion is long overdue i have been at texas a&m for a good while now and i think the time has come for me to break out from underneath the oppressive thumbs of interest groups and speak my mind for once said sharp i have had a long and illustrious career of success and ingenuity and i feel like it is finally time for my voice to be heard sharp cited politics and an intense pressure to keep donors happy as an incentive for playing the puppet for so long when people give millions of dollars to this school they expect you to cater to their every whim and play the fool said sharp you have to entertain this person take this person to dinner and even go to the football games my god its like my own specially tailored prison! despite the possibility of backlash sharp said the potential benefits far outweigh the costs i know that we might lose some people and i know that ill probably earn some facebook rant from tony buzbee but he can shove it right back up in his tank said sharp if those fools only understood what im trying to do here how im trying to bring texas a&m into the future then they wouldnt complain! in his first official opinion ever chancellor sharp took a step into one of the murkiest debates in all of aggieland: the raging debate of canes versus laynes i just think that canes is better said sharp that might be new army of me but the sauce is smoother the chicken crispier and the fries saliter it has everything you could want from a fried chicken joint it really does though he knows many will disagree with him chancellor sharp is confident a&m will pull through stronger than ever i know students will come knocking at my door the way they did when rudder integrated a&m said sharp however i am prepared for it and welcome it because this dialogue will help unite this campus like never before fish daddy
last thursday night texas a&m university police discovered an underground criminal network called our right of way this secret organization of pedestrian extremists and cyclists was formed as an attempt to undermine natural traffic flow on campus under the guise of exercising their legal right of way investigations began after stan dosier senior business marketing major and regular four-way stop driver reported suspicious behavior at the intersection between west campus garage and lot 100 at first i thought it was an innocent coincidence dosier said but i began to notice that whenever it was my turn to go a pedestrian would always step out onto the crosswalk right at that exact moment i knew something fishy was up sources disclosed that many drivers feel helpless against the extensive extremist operation their power is too great student driver megan thomasson said as soon as a pedestrian steps foot on the crosswalk i have no choice but to wait for them to cross even if it is my turn to go there is nothing i can do the leader of our right of way gave the mugdown a private interview; however he asked to remain unnamed to protect his active comrades our right of way is a group of some of the most dedicated aggies around campus even if a vehicle is driving right at them our martyrs are willing to risk their lives to defend our legal right to walk where we want whenever we want while the unnamed leader is facing heavy consequences for his involvement in our right of way he has yet to reveal any relevant information about the groups logisticswith this decentralized cell structure its going to take years to unearth all the members involved said texas a&m university police chief alan durkin we are hopeful that if we start now we might be able to prevent bloodshed altogether main campus and west campus have already been extensively infiltrated by the crime ring; university police fears the health science center and the school of veterinary medicine will be the groups next target washboard ags
despite graduating from texas a&m university in 2015 and enjoying a stable software development career unremarkable former student garrett humphrey is still desperately clinging to a fading aggie twitter fame per sources humphrey earned most of his 9 000 twitter followers in 2013 after tweeting a string of sarcastic quips about the aggie football teams defensive woes and laying praise on then-starting quarterback johnny manziel though his rapid rise through the ranks of aggie twitter hierarchy had little to do with him or his everyday life as a computer science student the daily dopamine rush he received reportedly fattened his ego substantially this enabled his fantasy that thousands of strangers actually cared which local taco restaurant he preferred years after receiving his diploma and leaving college station behind humphrey continues to revel in his delusion of grandeur aggie twitter remains the only arena in which he has come close to celebrity status even if only among a niche pseudo-community on the most shallow social media platform in operation sources close to humphrey confirm he has foregone opportunities to move on and connect with his real friends and family in favor of pandering to a passive horde of avatars and screen names witnesses report seeing humphrey looking down at his phone constantly refreshing his feed for updates from other pitiful souls in utter fear of the thoughts that would plague him if he didnt distract himself with tired political jokes and astros gifs hullakazoo
despite having a mediocre personality and lacking notable quirks or idiosyncrasies your friend david coleman decided to start a podcast last monday according to coleman he felt inspired to start one after avidly listening to podcasts over the past year my bud josh and i really thought we could make some funny creative content coleman said i feel like im really doing a lot for the podcast community the podcasts logo is visually attractive accented by a copyright-infringing graphic and a witty pun-based title while several of colemans closest friends promised they would listen to the podcast in full each week most only listened to the first half i mean it was okay i guess said colemans roommate jay quintero but he didnt seem to edit out any mistakes or even turn off his fan while recording coleman expects the podcast will have a humble audience of a few hundred students after the first few episodes and believes it will eventually develop into a full-time career at press-time the first episode had amassed seven listens on soundcloud anime sciences
on thursday night university authorities assembled reporters student ambassadors faculty and others in bethancourt ballroom to begin what officials called an exciting new chapter in texas a&ms history in an hour-long press conference the administration announced that rellis the acronym standing for the schools core values would no longer hold any literal meaning this is not an event without precedent president michael k young said in 1963 state legislators officially changed the name of the school from texas agricultural and mechanical college to texas a&m since then the acronym ‘a&m has not represented an actual pair of words but rather has celebrated the schools past as an institution of agriculture and mechanics in a similar vein the board of regents and i have reviewed the core values of respect excellence leadership loyalty integrity and selfless service and have decided that these concepts have more value as reminders of our roots than as actual tenets we stand by the announcement was met with controversy by attendees during the q&a portion of the conference thoughts on the decision ranged from condemnatory to lukewarm dr sandra larson of the chemistry department said [the decision] was a clear departure from everything that made the culture at a&m special many students felt that the move was consistent with some of the administrations recent decisions as well as with the perceived strategy of the universitys leaders when asked for comment harry daily said oh i guess that makes sense i didnt even know what rellis stood for anyway before all this i only recognized it as that word on the wall of the soccer stadium baptism by dryer
the career closet of texas a&m recently announced the success of a second location in the memorial student center the new center unofficially known as the organization closet was designed to lend pieces of clothing to texas a&m students to help them fit in during their application seasons the world has always believed in dressing for the job you want not the one you have said anna solano a spokesperson for the new location the career closet is excited to continue that by offering all students the opportunity to seamlessly blend into the organization of their choice some of the pieces offered include birkenstocks and ethically sourced shirts for various religious organizations free blazer and white-washed jeans fittings for those rushing fraternities and custom-tailored suits for mays students to wear to class every day i am so excited to use the new location said freshman english major riley grier instead of going on a mission trip to southeast asia i can just grab gear from the organization closet! clubs across campus have praised the new location paul lyons a member of the selection committee for males club of a&m a competitive mens organization said we are so grateful for the help the organization closet is giving to selection committees across campus now we can be more assured of a guys compatibility with the club even before we make them all wear identical applicant t-shirts the location had a soft opening before rush week 2019 full service was available to all students before applications opened for freshman leadership organizations the organization closet is currently looking for more volunteers and it is willing to accept students of all fashion backgrounds who are dedicated to continuing the tradition of style at texas a&m milidairy walk
in a study published last friday a texas a&m research team found that the mess blamed on ones roommates belongs to the complainant themselves up to 73% of the time the retrospective cohort study was conducted by francis wei phd a clinical professor at the texas a&m university health science center the study is gaining campus-wide attention as it challenges bellyachers self-held theory that they live a clean and organized lifestyle the research team found that 365 of the 500 students surveyed neglected to clean up after using a public space at least two to five times in the last month additionally 365 of the same 500 students stated that the mess in their homes was due to a roommates lack of hygiene wei presented the findings to the evaluated students during a meeting earlier this week in bethancourt ballroom during the presentation the unsuspecting undergraduates were seen nodding their heads in agreement and even began to share stories about the discourteous roommates they were currently living with at the conclusion of the meeting wei instructed the research team to remove the curtains that divided the room into two groups the once-divided roommate pairs looked across the room and began to recognize each other while inconclusive your aggregated responses show that both of you are responsible for the mess in your house wei said homewrecking crew
despite receiving praise for its bold architectural style texas a&m university recently admitted in an exclusive interview with the mugdown that it feels embarrassed about the buildings it constructed during its rebellious brutalist phase although texas a&m was founded in 1876 enrollment remained relatively stagnant until the sweeping reforms of the 1960s once non-white non-reg men and women began being admitted attendance slowly began to climb and the university entered its teenage years surrounded by cute girls the university sought to impress its new audience with an austere tough-composite material image campus hit its growth spurt just as it was getting interested in concrete breaking from the tradition of neoclassical architecture the campus admits it adopted brutalism as a way to rebel against its founding fathers now mature the campus looks back on its imposing monolithic skyline with shame modern buildings are constantly being erected to draw attention to glass and steel but the evidence of its awkward brutalist growth spurt wont be erased any time soon ring chunks
earlier this morning the office of the commandant and corps of cadets announced the suck it up fish campaign this initiative is inspired by the idea that freshmen should just suck it up and put out like every other cadet has had to in the past 100 years the corps has become unbelievably soft said a major unit commander who worked on the campaign the other day a freshman came into my office to complain about a torn acl when i was a freshman i broke both my femur bones and had mono while still maxing my pt test the new policy will reverse recent policies such as academics first and fish have rights too the commandants office made the decision to announce the initiative on the first day of fish spurs (home-made spurs that freshmen wear the week leading up to the arkansas game) a symbol that fully endorses the ethos that freshmen just need to get over it and be more red ass general ramirez 79 was unavailable for comment however the corps of cadets website detailed multiple aspects of the campaign including the cancellation of evening study time the return of good bull outfit hazing the reinstitution of freshmen tackling the yell leaders and the removal of the academic day reportedly donations from the corps alumni organization the corps sucks now and is too soft (tcsnits) have increased by 150% since the announcement buffalo wild wags
with the influx of students generated by the 25 by 25 initiative the college of engineering has struggled to ensure the entry-to-a-major (etam) process can handle the annually increasing demands placed on it for the last several years the system has been pushed to its limit in an attempt to remedy this the college of engineering recently announced a replacement to etam applications: the sorting hat dr katherine banks the dean of the college of engineering gave a brief press conference explaining how the new system will change the way students transition into their majors it works almost exactly like in harry potter banks said we gather all the freshmen engineers in zachry and one by one each of them comes forward and puts on the hat the hat then applies a carefully constructed algorithm taking into account the achievements anxiety elitism hopelessness confusion and gpa of each individual applicant before finally announcing their major dr banks has been swift to promote the sorting hat to students while most students have received the new system eagerly some have expressed their reservations students eligible for automatic admission into their major under etam are particularly unhappy about the possibility of losing that advantage under the sorting hat its completely unfair said drake mcalfoy a general engineering freshman i nearly had to get a time-turner to keep above a 35 and now theyre just going to let some stupid hat decide where i end up if i dont get mechanical my father is going to hear about this preparations have already begun to transform the zachry starbucks into a hogwarts-style great hall for the upcoming sorting ceremonies a renovation that will reportedly delay the construction of the student services building by one year hullabaloo balls
in a shocking turn of events last tuesday a former fish camp attendee discovered that his fish camp father has a new secret dg family dustin myers a sophomore computer science major told reporters he was walking through the msc when he saw his dad surrounded by a group of unfamiliar freshmen i mean i knew my dad was working late nights answering groupme messages at weird hours and going to extra meetings for fish camp but i didnt expect to see him blatantly disregarding my siblings by cheating on my mom like that myers said after so many special memories together i cant believe he would do this when asked about his home life myers described lunches at the msc pulling tickets to games and meeting up for freshmen events with his family myers said he and some of his other siblings were completely blindsided he is however still trying to contact the siblings he has not seen since camp last august upon further review investigators confirmed that travis dodger a junior meteorology major and fish camp counselor does indeed have a separate family clarissa grant myers mother declined to comment but wanted to send her regards to dodgers new perfect partner i only have love in my heart for all of my dg spouses and kids wherever they are even though i have a new family ill still remember you when you apply for chair dodger said milidairy walk
despite consensus among scholars that he will certainly die alone and unremembered craig wilkinson announced tuesday morning that he superstitiously avoids walking under the century tree alone its really quite a shock sociology professor john mahan said the last decade has seen major advances in this area of study stemming from different universities test methods and entirely separate schools of thought all indicating that wilkinson is destined to never find love in fact only a minority of papers even contend that he deserves any human affection at all and many of those havent been peer-reviewed when asked for his opinion developmental psychology professor ian sterling said in this field its unheard of to rank individuals in terms of likeliness to marry but if i had to try this guy would have to be near or at the bottom worldwide sterling and other experts noted that wilkinsons unique mixture of below average social skills selfish proclivities poor personal hygiene lack of concrete life plans sweatiness bad posture inconsiderate habits woefully idealized self-image ignorance of current events and weird looking face made it unlikely that any girl would even consider him for a pity date as his mother i love craig unconditionally connie wilkinson said however ill be the first to admit that its hard sometimes his dead goat-like eyes sometimes prompt me to meditate on the universality of human worth when reporters asked wilkinson for comment he said i sure hope i never accidentally walk under the tree or else my love life is toast! experts later published a statement of consensus calling his words a display of hubris and naivety comparable only to the tragedy of icarus his foolishness is as contemptible as it is sad 12th man card and baptism by dryer
last wednesday shawn marquell a senior marketing major from pearland texas announced to a group of friends and loved ones that he has driven a toyota prius since he was sixteen years old for years marquell has claimed ownership of a blue 2015 ford f-150 but on wednesday he soberly admitted the truck actually belongs to his elderly next-door neighbor after procuring a girlfriend and raising his bench press max to 245 pounds marquell finally felt secure enough in his manhood to admit he does not own a truck it has been tough for me to come to terms with reality marquell said but i think im finally ready to be who i really am some of marquells friends still processing the news told mugdown reporters they were not ready to talk about it others in the friend group were open enough to give a short statement about marquells revelation i always knew shawn was a little bit liberal said kolby jamerson a long-time friend of marquell but a hybrid i never expected shawn to be that kind of guy marquell is aware that the recovery process will be difficult but he disclosed to reporters that as long as he keeps to his regular lifting schedule and supplement regime his emotions should not get too far out of sync washboard ags
last friday sophomore environmental design major chloe markoz declined to add $2 to her grocery bill to benefit the brazos valley food bank markoz recently raised $7 500 through the website gofundme for a three-week-long mission trip to honduras with her local church group markoz is currently $500 short of her $8 000 goal which will cover housing food work supplies chacos one-piece swimsuits and the professional photographer the church has retained for the entirety of the trip no thanks i cant today markoz said when the cashier asked for her donation the biography of markozs gofundme page reads a little bit about me: i am a jesus lovin gal who is just trying to do my part in the world please donate any funds you are able to as this is an opportunity of a lifetime for me cant wait to build houses in honduras with brazos christian sanctuary you can follow my journey on twitter (@markozmissiontrip22) and instagram (@markozmissiontrip22) as well as through my blog wwwmarkozgoestohondurascom/wp if you feel uncomfortable donating through gofundme you can always venmo me @markozmissiontrip22 thanks again guys cant wait to dive into gods spirit a thousand miles away ~~~galatians 5:13~~~! it is unclear at this point whether markoz will be able to attend the mission trip if she is unable to crowdfund the last $500 but she will certainly keep her followers updated on the status of her journey through her many social media accounts buffalo wild wags link to donate to brazos valley food bank
a recent survey conducted by us news & world report revealed that there were more graduates of texas a&m heading fortune 500 companies than any other institution what do you think of course these four extremely rare ceo success stories are fully representative of every students success at mays lance maddox • supply chain academic advisor my comfort colors® feels baggier and my nike shorts seem higher and i only needed four adderall today! garrett holcomb • ppa student i dont know why people are celebrating this the job market is crazy right now thats four less jobs for me rodrigo aceveds • engineering student wait can i put this on my resume maddison blackburn • prep counselor thats amaysing aggressive mays anniversary posters plastered across west campus who needs a ceo-style coach like sumlin when weve got a winner like jimbo who really works with his players i dont care about this ceo nonsense wait wheres herman on this coach list anonymous a&m football booster maroon gloat
walton hall was ablaze with merriment sunday night as its residents congregated in the first-floor shared kitchen space for the annual fall gala looking around the room full of sharply dressed participants chocolate fountains and sculpted ice-swans many students reported being astounded at just how much the universitys efforts to reform the dormitorys culture had paid off yes ill be the first to admit that walton had something of an unsavory reputation said visibly blushing freshman terry wilkins but weve really cleaned up our act it wasnt too long ago that we were known for being real rabble rousers; nowadays we spend most of our time as a group putting on dorm cotillion classes volunteering with middle schoolers in bryan and attending various charity functions however not all students think the dorm has changed dalton fraley a junior economics major believes many problematic rituals remain theyre just the same as when i was a freshman but everything has a pretentious new coat of paint fraley said they still get mad whenever people walk on their hill but now someone will confront you by taking off one of the white gloves theyre always wearing slapping you with it and challenging you to something called a ‘gentlemans honor dispute using what appear to be authentic 1771 wogdon and barton dueling pistols its nuts several sources report seeing residents attaching finely calligraphed walton loads pins to each others sports coats and vaping with juice they claimed was from the chianti region of italy its drivel really resident frances thompson said those who accuse us of incivility are behaving just as jonah did when he was incredulous at the reformation of the ninevites we were just reading that in the walton all-dorm bible study this week after the gala the group left to do belly flutes which is the act of sipping champagne from the navel of the opposite sexin moderation they were careful to add baptism by dryer
this article was featured in our fall 2019 print edition copies are available throughout campus visit our facebook instagram or twitter for location details howdy boys! its that time of year again bootchasers and cadets are looking to take instagram photos with that special someone maybe you missed out on last years football dates maybe youre single after your last girlfriend didnt realize that your bumble profile was to make friends whatever the case may be youre single and ready to get back on track for a ring by spring if you follow these tips youll have a line of possible girlfriends so long theyll need to take a number while waiting on a date with you be assertive whats the number one problem in relationships communication if youre having trouble getting your point across its time to put on your sophomore pants and tell her what shes doing wrong it only takes ten days to turn a bright-eyed high school graduate into a fish so its only natural that pointing out her flaws and telling her that she needs to fix them will turn that classmate cutie into your special boot chaser explain the corps to her the corps is a vast unknown entity that also comprises 80% of your life so its crucial that shes up to speed on it dont be afraid to explain it to her like shes five years old if it takes her a while to catch up a strong relationship is one where she understands what you mean when you say you were smoked outside the dirty d by a muc because your blue falcon whipped out to a platoon blue shirt describe pt to her your body is your temple (except the band am i right) and your girl needs to know how you martyr yourself for it make sure she knows how much you run and grind before she even wakes up brag about what you do to the fish girls love a bad boy and nothings worse than physical and emotional abuse that violates state law girls just dont understand that ax handles and destroying personal property build the leaders of tomorrow after you explain that tears are just weakness leaving the body shell fall faster than a fish classs retention rate crap on wags we all know that old army died in 1974 when they let women into the corps besides women love catty gossip about each other so nothing will get a girls attention faster than explaining why theyre ruining what you love most in the world smoke her out exercise is a fun activity that brings a couple together so why not share it with that special someone shell be picking out your weddings invitations in her head after youre done watching her do push-ups and wind sprints until she collapses from exhaustion have an emotionally vulnerable conversation about how you feel when youre with her yeah and then tell her that you love all these new army changes if you use these tips youll have a trail of boot chasers longer than a discipline brief before finals go out and gigem cadet space cadet
this article was featured in our fall 2019 print edition copies are available throughout campus visit our facebook instagram or twitter for location details bryan-college station utilities has made headlines this week with their unique new slogan youll get used to it instead of marketing to new consumer groups the company has embraced bryan/college station as a captive water market with little need for sophisticated advertising strategies studies show that consumers appreciate honest marketing said elise loyola a spokesperson for bcs utilities were trying to tap into that we know that most college students think the water here is inferior to their water at home so were here to explain thats just how things are here my hair doesnt feel the same as it did back home freshman claire guzman said i have to take gallons of water from heb onto the aggie spirit bus and carry them up four flights of stairs to get into my dorm its just not fair i didnt know how good i had it in dallas while first-year students remain upset older students are hardly fazed by the new slogan honestly theyre right sophomore megan reynolds said its gross water but i dont notice my hair being greasy now the same way i did when i moved here their marketing team is onto something i dont know why they even need a slogan said jacob mallard a sophomore business major they could make their slogan ‘eat poop college students and wed still buy their water because we have no other option monopolies truly are the death of choice for the consumer mugdown staff
this article was featured in our fall 2019 print edition copies are available throughout campus visit our facebook instagram or twitter for location details the division of student affairs has voted to implement a certification exam to play the msc flag room piano beginning this fall this controversial decision was made after hours of debate between representatives from the division of student affairs those in favor of the new certification reasoned that due to the amount of publicity the flag room receives only aggielands finest should be permitted to provide top quality entertainment to guests and students alike they also went on record to claim that students study more efficiently when not subjected to multiple failed renderings of für elise those opposed to the playing test certification argued that all aggies are entitled to demonstrate their abilities publicly regardless of their current skill level they sought to make clear that discrimination based on talent is inherently wrong the new rule hopes to filter through pianists so that students and visitors will not be disturbed by a mediocre performance of adeles someone like you we strive to provide the most exceptional campus experience to all of our visitors and fellow aggies so we evaluated where many of those groups spend their time said colin lopez the director of the memorial student center our evaluation found that the msc is a hub for visitors prospective donors and current or future students alike we simply cannot allow mediocre pianists to play and give off the impression that they represent the entire aggie family playing tests will be conducted inside the msc practice rooms by dr oscar tiller director of bands and head of music activities in order to register for a time slot students will need to log in to their howdy portal navigate to the ‘my record tab scroll down to ‘student rules and select ‘playing test certification from the drop down menu following this they will be prompted to select a time slot based on their availability the playing test will consist of demonstrating basic musical competence through major minor and chromatic scale tests it will also incorporate a song portion in which those auditioning must prepare one excerpt from a piece of music to perform for dr tiller any audition that includes excerpts from rondo alla turca the entertainer or any pop song from the 2000s to the present day will be immediately denied certification upon passing the playing test certification students will see their flag room status updated within their howdy portal the certification may only be attempted twice per semester once the updated status has been processed students will be able to swipe their student id at the piano to open the keylid and begin playing longboard of regents
this article was featured in our fall 2019 print edition copies are available throughout campus visit our facebook instagram or twitter for location details recent polls suggest that the stigma against women in stem may not be as severe as previously believed the stereotype that women must prove themselves capable to earn respect from male students has been challenged by newly observed classmate dynamics that show women in stem receive key advantages over their male counterparts researchers believe the severe female minority in certain stem majors is the source of this advantage according to recent data skewed gender ratios in majors such as engineering offer a rare opportunity for male students a chance to speak with women such an opportunity may encourage male students to offer significant academic aid to their female counterparts i always have my choice of partners for projects and right now im in three different study groups for the same class said junior computer engineering major madelyn rossi many of the women polled indicated male students desperation for interaction with the opposite sex is so fervent that female students receive abundant social and academic advantages when compared to males in addition to women being continually included in activities with their classmates a number of poll respondents highlighted the privilege of receiving free tutorials from male students male students were observed going to extensive lengths to readily give females unprompted tips on how to improve their work and to offer unrequested explanations of course material unfortunately male students instinctual desire to take care of their female peers has perhaps blinded them to some of their fiercest competition while at this time the percentage of female undergraduates studying stem rests at about 22% overall this low number only helps women to get special opportunities and favoritism female students hope this culture of paying special attention to women in stem can be preserved in the face of the universitys renewed focus on size and diversity initiatives the dixie wiccan
this article was featured in our fall 2019 print edition copies are available throughout campus visit our facebook instagram or twitter for location details it is high time that someone spoke up about the terrible parking situation on campus we are in the middle of an epidemic and it has become clear that the university has stretched itself too thin with the increase in admittance of new students after having a lot 50 permit for a glorious two-and-a-half years i am being exiled to the perimeter of campus so that the greedy money-grubbing university can make more parking spaces for 25×25 engineering underclassmen with a fancy new garage i am a senior; i resent change and refuse to suffer the burden of progress that will never benefit me liberal arts majors might have the time to frolic to and from their classes but as an engineering student i am far too busy to make the 23 minute trek from west campus garage to zachry i know that i go to a university with over 65 000 students but that does not lessen the sting of the lack of abundant parking in the center of campus i like everyone else think that it is my right to park close to all of my classes and not have to walk or use our second-rate bus system and whats the deal with the campus master plan taking away parking lots within campus and turning them into green spaces this hasnt worked out well for any developed nation so far and it certainly wont for a space designed for ambulatory mass movement we have come far enough as a nation that we no longer need to pander to the hippies and urban design specialists that insist alternative forms of transportation are the most efficient and environmentally friendly way to navigate a dense urban environment we are americans and we love our cars comfort and personal space if i dont want to bike to class i shouldnt have to to top it all off paying for parking is the biggest scam of all time i pay tuition here and i should be able to park wherever i please tuition is so expensive and you spend it all willy-nilly on educators salaries construction student services and more why cant it go towards my individual lot for my individual car that i individually benefit from i resent the idea that space on campus shouldnt be free and i despise that the administration is surreptitiously encouraging me to explore other methods of getting to class if i do have one positive thing to say about the heinous parking system on campus it is that i have gained an exceptional amount of twitter clout for complaining about lots being full specifically lot 100 for every 15 minutes i spend circling sections a-c and willfully ignoring d-g i can gain roughly 13 followers if i play my cards right ring chunks & mad chaco
this article was featured in our fall 2019 print edition copies are available throughout campus visit our facebook instagram or twitter for location details the parents of freshman sheila anderson sighed in relief on tuesday morning when they discovered that she had saved them hundreds of dollars by charging everything to her student fees account thanks to her money-consciousness andersons parents dodged having to deal with upcoming college expenses such as meals parking passes and sports tickets completely when asked about the rising cost of higher education father and mortgage broker travis anderson praised his daughters fiscally responsible behavior we have been setting aside thousands of dollars per month for her college fund since she was five so its a lot of weight off our shoulders knowing we wont have to use it now busy shopping in preparation for fall rush sheila anderson could not be reached for comment on the situation shortly before press time store managers were seen working to calm a visibly frustrated anderson after explaining to her that merge boutique could not charge clothing purchases to a student fees account charge it to this then its the same thing said anderson slapping down her mothers chase sapphire preferred card on the counter homewrecking crew
this article was featured in our fall 2019 print edition copies are available throughout campus visit our facebook instagram or twitter for location details beginning this fall counseling & psychological services (caps) will offer a weekly support group for texas a&m university students accused of sexual misconduct the new offering by caps comes after texas a&m president michael k young ordered extensive internal and external reviews of a&ms title ix processes last fall the reviews were conducted as a result of numerous current and former students publicly alleging that the process lacked transparency and that their title ix complaints were mishandled by university officials we feel that offering a support group for students accused of sexual misconduct will be immensely beneficial said dr lewis molten the psychologist organizing the group navigating the title ix process can be very stressful and disruptive so we want to equip students with the coping skills they need to continue to excel in their academic and athletic endeavors until their investigation concludes reactions to the new offering have been mixed among the student body some students have praised the expansion of on-campus mental health services while others have criticized the move as representing the universitys failure to support survivors of sexual violence even after all the publicity task forces and long emails from president young caps still doesnt offer an on-campus support group for survivors said angela fuero a sophomore math major active in survivor advocacy on campus local resources for survivors may be excellent but theyre inaccessible to say a freshman without a car who is struggling to even leave her dorm room last week students began circling a petition online asking the university and caps to offer a support group for victims in lieu of offering similar options for those accused the university has yet to respond but president michael k young is reportedly drafting a new campus-wide email pledging to end campus sexual assault heldenfalls
texas a&m students and faculty were chastised for their bigoted behavior in a campus-wide email sent by president michael k young earlier this week the announcement was inspired by a viral twitter video in which two a&m students are heard using variations of a racial slur aggies behaving like this on a public platform just isnt okay anymore said katherine clarke director of the division of marketing and communication many of us often dont personify the a&m core values but at least those lapses are in private and can be swept under the rug but to be seen publicly contradicting the principles we talk about at fish camp and on our website and then never mention again unacceptable president young decided an email to the texas a&m community concerning racism was necessary after becoming aware of the recent negative press that kind of behavior cannot be tolerated young said as soon as i saw the video i knew i had to discuss the importance of not being racist i think if we continue talking about these important issues in emails well have the same progressive movement we saw when we decided to end sexual assault last year this is an issue that must be confronted and it deserves a response that cannot be ignored the effort made by president young was met with mixed reactions from the students jessica charles a senior political science major found the mild condemnation inhibitory of her freedom of speech so first they tell us we cant ‘boo and now we cant say racial slurs either charles said if i wanted to be held accountable for my racism i would have gone to tu conservative campus groups have released plans to hold a demonstration to reportedly protect free speech and campus heritage similarly campus diversity groups also have a rally planned for next week to express their displeasure with the universitys response to the incident and racisms presence on campus both events will be held in front of the statue of confederate general sul ross broken reed arena
as summer approaches many cold-blooded residents of wehner high have begun to contract bragging insufficiency general seasonal affective disorder (bigsad) due to withdrawals from their peers and the absence of praise from people impressed by the business schools prestige students infected with bigsad have been flocking to beutel health center for treatment; however many students have not seen improvements symptoms of the disorder can be treated by humble-bragging but this method is proven to be less effective in the summer this can be attributed to the isolation students experience during their seasonal migrations to rural summer camps and hometowns where they often have trouble finding opportunities to talk about their organizations and summer internships after people stopped asking about my summer internship i found it hard to achieve the validation i needed to keep myself from getting bigsad said sophomore finance major savannah grayson i mean its not tasteful to brag about my 40 is it to relieve symptoms beutel has recommended that the affected post instagram updates of their summer travels reach out to old high school classmates still living in their hometown for lunch and write weekly internship reflections on facebook to garner congratulatory remarks from relatives upper-level students and ppa members are increasingly being diagnosed with bigsad ever since they learned full-time employees at goldman sachs and big four firms were reportedly not impressed by the fact they learned excel in istm 210 or that their 5k raised $6 000 dollars during recruiting season i could always brag about the free things companies gave me said paul nichols a senior ppa student now my boss sends me passive-aggressive emails and i eat lunch alone business honors didnt prepare me for this milidairy walk
on monday the corps of cadets assembled its greatest warriors to compete in a martial arts tournament to the death to determine leadership for the upcoming school year the new system branded mortal quadbat by the corps marketing department is to act as a referendum to earlier leadership choices due to accusations that quad-wide leadership is disproportionately made up of female students and students in air force outfits regardless of displayed leadership potential outfits are always wary of receiving a commander from a different major unit said corps commander adam buckley after a lengthy debate among the major unit commanders corps staff has agreed that leadership can only be decided by blood combat its hard to dispute key leaders abilities when they kill the opposition with their bare hands while the tournament was originally beset with criticism that its violence would corrupt freshman many students have since changed their opinion i had my doubts i mean it all seemed so gratuitous like this regiment guy did the splits and punched a guy square in the crotch said garrett hesse a civil engineering sophomore and member of company p-1 but then he uppercuts the guys head clean off and man was it awesome the tournament also gives the corps the opportunity to showcase talents in rising leadership that a traditional application and interview process cannot highlight such as a candidates spear-throwing abilities and their ability to continue to fight after having their jaw shattered with the increase in leadership approval ratings mortal quadbat will replace the current leadership screening process next year members of the corps of cadets are eager to see leadership be selected based on more than running ability alone space cadet
last month texas a&m university released the full list of courses for the upcoming fall semester the college of liberal arts says it expects high numbers of enrollment for its newest course employment for liberal arts majors (epmt 106) the course will teach liberal arts students the statistics they need in order to convince their mays and engineering friends that their degree is worthwhile after many students requested that information on employability be added to the curriculum the university decided to add an entire course to fulfill the students needs beginning in the fall of 2019 this class will be implemented as a degree requirement for all incoming liberal arts students im really excited for this course said sophomore performance studies major katie hennington when i was picking my major i decided to go with passion over practicality but now i can have both! or at least i can pretend to have both finally said junior telecommunication major bailey harden ive spent the last three years trying to convince my nursing friends that my major is better because it offers flexibility for potential jobs while also allowing me to express myself i read that in some article senior year of high school which is why i picked my major in the first place the curriculum will cover three main topics: how to use statistics to prove your majors validity how to fake a resume how to win a debate when you know youre wrong ive spent my entire career defending my chosen field of study to mathematics and business professors and im beyond excited to pass down this knowledge to a new generation of liberal arts students by teaching this course said dr mark everly professor of psychology at texas a&m i hope that i can equip them with the tools they need for a life of justifying their degrees to egotistical stem majors that is until they become professors or high school teachers then it is their duty to pass down this sacred knowledge to their own students tukulele
both faculty and students alike have noticed a new addition on campus: airpods the sleek white headphones seem to be the hottest new trend in campus fashion boasting features such as hands-free calling and speedy bluetooth pairing to other apple devices dr richard mosse an introduction to sociology professor has been researching the effect of airpods on student interactions throughout campus according to dr richard mosse the explosion of airpod use on campus represents a sociological phenomenon the pace at which students have adopted airpods is unprecedented mosse said of course émile durkheims concept of structural functionalism would suggest airpods must be serving some beneficial purpose on campus mikayla sanchez a senior psychology major has also noticed high rates of airpods ownership on campus oh yeah i see people wearing them all the time sanchez said honestly i wish i had some then i could easily pretend not to notice people i went to high school with a common response i get is that airpods help the user feel more confident while walking across campus mosse said to me this suggests that airpods offer some kind of psychosocial security to students who feel threatened by having to interact with their peers airpods eliminate the awkwardness of deciding whether or not to say ‘howdy to passerby with the new generation of airpods having recently been announced time will tell whether the exponential rise of airpods usage on campus will continue the mugdown will post an update once dr mosses research concludes students interested in participating should be sure to purchase the revolutionary headphones heldenfalls
a victory for justice at texas a&m occurred earlier this week when junior marketing major cassandra wells gave a 2/10 on a peer evaluation to project teammate wayne mccoy following a marketing presentation the teams were required to complete an evaluation of their peers students in the class gave all members at least a 7/10 until wells broke the trend becoming irritated with the general complacency of her peers i cant believe that the other students dont even think about how much work each person did said wells they simply hand out good evaluations willy nilly without regard for teaching the slackers a lesson wells expressed great concern with the disparity of justice she had witnessed in almost every class within mays business school students i have done projects with have never given anyone in the group less than a 9/10 but i deserve that because i do all the work and they dont even care wells continued she has begun advocating to business professors in hopes of implementing effort-based evaluations wells additionally referenced the abuse of peer evaluations as a direct violation of the aggie honor code wayne was stealing my time and effort and through that spitting on the code we stand by here she said wayne mccoy the recipient of the heavy hand of justice had few words to offer in rebuttal i mean i was ten minutes late to one project meeting but i filled out my portion of the slides said mccoy at our first meeting cassandra offered to do the bulk of the research and i continued to volunteer more help so i guess this kind of came as a surprise other students on the team communicated that mccoy had done a sufficient amount of work the professor of the class had nothing to add to this as she was occupied recycling the paper used for the peer evaluations koldus & cream
a seasoned veteran employee at sbisa dining hall reportedly busted a senior-led meal swipe gang tuesday afternoon the recent meal swipe bust came right before the onset of finals historically the end of the semester has marked the time when meal-trade harboring freshman realize that it is mathematically impossible to eat 225 meals on a four meal per day restriction multiple security cameras caught footage of upperclassmen waiting outside the steps of sbisa to scope out freshmen students like sabrina meyers she just came up to me randomly meyers said she asked if i knew about the guest swipes i told her ‘no and she explained how i could swipe in a ‘guest at any time so we walked in together and she took the lead from there she even sat down with me after we got in i hope i see her again john lewis a sophomore math major was conflicted about the situation i didnt want my sophomore friends to know i have a meal plan lewis said he then described what happens to students who run out of guest swipes they just start cornering you see i was walking in with a friend after an intro-level accounting class and two of them came up to us they offered to trade their notes for accounting 229 if we swiped them in but as soon as we swiped them in they took off and the worst part is they didnt even add me to the acct 229 groupme chartwells employee dorothy parker recounted how she caught on to the scheme after the freshman swiped his id he dropped it parker said thats when i noticed an older student a few feet behind him the younger student kicked the id back to the older student who picked up the id and put it in his pocket according to parker she then checked the id of the older student and saw it was identical to the id of the boy who had checked in a few moments ago thats when i decided to call university police parker said in response to the incident the university police department has issued a warning encouraging freshmen to contact upd or a corps escort if they need any future assistance entering dining halls downton aggie
matt chandler lead pastor at the village church in flower mound texas has decided to leave his current position to pursue his most ambitious project yet: planting a church within foundations lounge foundations lounge better known by the college station community as foundies will remain a nightclub most of the week however starting this sunday foundations fellowship will open its doors to become college stations newest place of worship the churchs leadership hopes that it will be a welcoming place for students who have fallen away from christ during their early adult years when this idea was first pitched to me i was a little skeptical chandler said but after further reflection i realized that foundies has everything i need: cool lighting a wide stage for me to run around and an edgy name that relates to christ but isnt too churchy plus the goal of planting churches is to reach the unreached peoples of the world and i cant think of anyone more unreached than foundies patrons placing a church in a nightclub creates other unique opportunities such as using the bar for communion and having an open space for worship foundations fellowship will also hold a bible study called spirit study on $1 well nights placing a church within a nightclub will make it much easier for me to attend when i am hungover sunday mornings i can just remember to go back to the place i came from the previous night said freshman communications major caroline buckerd this added convenience is all i need to make it to the 11:00 am service this experimental idea is being watched closely and could lead to the planting of other churches such as john one:fifteen and luke 12 at 12 in addition a church in austin has shown significant interest in planting their own northgate church called the corner stone christian bubble butt
several graduating seniors were observed celebrating their latest round of job offers this past weekend when interviewed by the mugdown many of these students expressed their excitement to accept gainful employment with some of the most morally objectionable corporate entities on the planet job hunting this past year has been stressful with graduation on the horizon so its a huge relief to have found a company with a great culture that really seems to care said senior supply chain management major gina hartman about the semiconductor manufacturer that had hired her sources confirm her new employer filed paperwork last week to fire a dozen warehouse employees who had been rendered disabled by a workplace accident experts believe the managements cost-cutting practices caused the catastrophe leaving for a celebratory dinner with close friends hartman said landing this job is a real weight off my shoulders! construction science major kyle katz was interviewed while he prepared for a night out at northgate to celebrate his recent successes im just elated said katz proceeding to shotgun a can of beer these past few years have been great but a few days after graduation im off to start onboarding at my first big land development job and i couldnt be happier at the time of the interview the land development corporation was finalizing property transfer documents with a local company the owners of the long-running family business were reportedly dejected when they learned their familys property would be bulldozed to make way for a parking garage when asked if he had any moral qualms about working for a large accounting firm graduate management information systems major sid thomas said if we were only judging companies by their worst actions no place of business would pass the litmus test we have to consider the good that each of these companies has done and the resources they have given people across classes to live comfortable lives yes a company exists to make money but the people who run them arent the cartoon villains we think of them as at the time of reporting the ceo of thomas new firm was seen tying a screaming woman to train tracks afterward witnesses said he began snickering and rubbing his hands together sinisterly before he twirled his mustache pulled up his cape to obscure his face and rode away in a carriage drawn by a pair of jet-black horses with red eyes baptism by dryer
according to eyewitness accounts equestrian sciences major miguel horacio submitted his exam scantron immediately after filling in the last bubble without so much as a second glance at his previous answers i didnt think about it horacio said id been up late studying so i was just ready to be done with that test the mugdown spoke with several of horacios classmates who seemed to be shocked by his behavior how could he not take two extra minutes to make sure his answers were bubbled correctly said visibly shaken junior karen lile he spent all that time studying his grade was at stake and he didnt seem to care according to sources on the scene dr sutherland horacios political science professor reminded students before the exam to double check the bubbling of their answers on the scantron however dr sutherland has been unavailable for comments as he has reportedly been experiencing emotional distress since having been blatantly ignored by one of his students tukulele
after increased discussion regarding the alcohol policy at the lakeview methodist conference center a few local bartenders decided to capitalize on their innovative idea instead of having members of fish camp bring their own alcohol to camp the new aptly named bar the ice blue fish will cater exclusively to students partaking in a freshmans first tradition owner brendi raltor says that it will feel very familiar to those who loved their time in the camp room mixers fish camp doesnt make any of their spotify playlists private so we can recreate the same vibes that you felt at your camp the only difference is that now you dont have to hide the fact that youre buzzed raltor said besides getting to hear mr brightside closing time and the lesser-known version of the wobble at least twice a night patrons can select from an extensive drink menu the mugdown had the opportunity to sit with raltor and try some of their themed cocktails namely a sake bomb called the partner drop a flaming rum shot called my camp flame and a gin and sriracha shot called the lip tat beyond their singular shots the ice blue fishs house special is a shot for your entire group called the review board which includes 5 to 8 shots of well tequila that they boast may or may not affect how your night goes however raltor says the real attraction will be a very simple drink made of blue punch and vodka known simply as continuity fish camp director staff did not immediately respond for comment but has reportedly been telling counselors that if the freshmen are going to drink they might as well do it in a safe fun and self-serving environment west campus mirage
starting in the fall semester the college of veterinary medicine and biomedical sciences will add a new certificate in complaining about the rigors of being a pre-medical student in addition to the 120 hours required to earn the bachelor of science in biomedical sciences (bims) an additional 16 hours of coursework is required to earn the new certificate the courses that will be initially offered in the fall semester are shown below course title credit hours comm 108 intro to bragging about how many volunteer hours you have 3 comm 316 begging a professor you talked to once or twice for a letter of recommendation 2 bims 210 complaining about organic chemistry i 2 bims 211 complaining about organic chemistry ii 2 math 149 going to outside tutoring services to learn statistics 3 phil 481 accepting the fact you may not get into medical school 3 phys 203 taking college physics over the summer to avoid a drop in your gpa 1 savannah lyons a sophomore bims major lauded the addition of the certificate im really excited to be able to add another line onto my resume lyons said i think that this certificate will really set me apart from the hundreds of thousands of extremely qualified candidates across the nation lyons seemed confident that the certificate was a unique opportunity to distinguish herself amongst students and supplement her existing coursework sure its another thing to add to a resume lyons said but i feel like the courses will really help me pursue my career goals i mean i need to get ahead on the fine art of letting other students know that my course load is more difficult than theirs without being too arrogant a representative from the college of veterinary medicine and biomedical sciences stated that if the certificate was sustainable the program would add more courses to accommodate pre-dentistry pre-veterinary and pre-optometry students panic! at the flagroom
after submitting their oceanography group project on ecampus each of the four group members turned to twitter to complain about their fellow group members each member claimed to have done between 90-100% of the work and berated the laziness of their teammates i had to pick up the slack sophomore jade anderson said i scheduled both our meetings and my slides were so much better than katys ashleighs or bens katy ashleigh and ben expressed similar sentiments all felt they were the smartest person in the group and the only person keeping the project from getting a zero the mugdown reached out to their professor dr sheila buford to see if she could comment on the matter the four of them all complained about the rest of the group in their project evaluations buford said i see it every year people feel like putting their write-up through grammarly before submitting it makes them invaluable ben a junior with over twenty thousand twitter followers tweeted it seems like everyone at a&m is smart except the people in your group project despite the unoriginality of his post the tweet received 1 700 likes upon further investigation the mugdown found that every one of his groupmates liked the tweet the frustrated students look forward to their future careers where they are certain theyll never have to work in teams or have seemingly incompetent coworkers again 12th man card
last friday graduate student dan kristoff discovered that college station humor is on a 5-year loop i made the realization when someone said ‘i wonder if chilifest will finally serve chili this year and people actually laughed during his freshman year kristoff noted that the jokes about chilliest not having actual chili were quite popular during his sophomore year people still used the jokes in their instagram captions but were not recognized as being clever by the time kristoff was ordering his aggie ring the joke and all of its derivatives were regarded as dad jokes now three years later the joke seems to be popular again i guess providing completely original content for each new class of students isnt a sustainable model said kristoff who is spending his sixth consecutive year in college station he noted that recycling humor after five years is strategic since most students will only stay an extra year at most other notable examples of looping humor include: asking what time midnight yell is held claiming that one will drop out after getting an aggie ring and tagging date party photos at evans library they are old jokes but i guess thats what the people want west campus mirage
clayre tumson a strong believer in the pro-choice movement had her mind changed this week thanks to the hard work and dedication of campus sidewalk artists while walking through academic plaza and contemplating her morally bankrupt views tumson encountered a message scrawled in chalk reading save the unborn with a crudely drawn infant hand-print immediately beneath the text moved by the beautiful sidewalk calligraphy tumson immediately became a supporter of the pro-life cause it just really spoke to me on a personal level tumson said it turns out the bright pink chalk was all i needed for the words to really sink in tumson appears to have experienced a complete and utter conversion and was found at the time of the interview scrawling bible verses across military walk tumson is only the latest in a long line of conversions at the hands of local guerrilla chalkers the number of converts has risen after the group abandoned the fire-and-brimstone approach to sidewalk evangelism after receiving backlash from the full-color depiction of sodom and gomorrah they illustrated across the quad it was decided that a more delicate approach was needed the group then switched to pastel-colored chalks and shortly thereafter deserted the message of damnation the mugdown interviewed a member of the church of chalk who wished to remain anonymous with its ranks growing daily the church of chalk continues to spread its vivid powdery gospel across campus said the unnamed member students of all beliefs have expressed thanks for the elegantly inescapable affirmations that they receive each day the unnamed member continued to discuss his occasional disappointment when secular statements such as you can do it! or btho finals! are caught encroaching on the churchs territory luckily these worldly views carry far less meaning than the true and righteous wisdom of our pavement preachers he said hullabaloo balls
another semester has flown by which means its time once again to say goodbye to our own graduating senior members just as one anxiously waits for the next bit of our content to reach the public so have these friends of ours been waiting to be made known to the world their time contributing to the mugdown is coming to an end but the legacy and satire they leave behind will live on congratulations to our graduating seniors!
the texas a&m competitive cheer team won the national championship on april 6th for the second time in a row threatening the hierarchy of reverence among student activities its just not fair and it doesnt make any sense said junior finance major brett sears the football team has commanded every bit of publicity and attention for decades and now some cheerleaders think their success deserves to be recognized cameron morrow 96 cites tradition as his reasoning for the snub people have been saying the cheerleaders should cheer at games but thats what the yell leaders are for morrow said the only talent that belongs on the field is the football players they may have won nationals twice now but there is no way they should be allowed to outshine our boys the captain of the cheer team mallory mcintosh has been under fire since her team posted videos of themselves crying joyfully celebrating their victory and brandishing their trophy i was upset at first mcintosh said but after listening to the other side of the argument i understand now we may have earned this through grueling practices personal sacrifice and countless injuries but the texas a&m student body and fans cant know what real success looks like evidence of the achievement has been wiped from all media sources and a gag order is to be placed on the topic within the next week head football coach jimbo fisher weighed in on the debate expressing his fear of repercussions from allowing the cheer teams success to be showcased next the fans might actually expect the football team to win a championship too broken reed arena
as the spring semester comes to a close freshman biology major cole dwyer could not help but notice that sophomores and other upperclassmen increasingly wanted to hang out with him it all began in my flex groupme dwyer told the mugdown i made one comment about how many meal trades i had left and suddenly i was the most popular member in the organization dwyer initially dismissed his new popularity believing that the older students genuinely enjoyed his company i started getting all kinds of messages from people asking me to hang out around lunch and dinner time dwyer said i became suspicious when people started canceling on me when id hit my meal trade limit for the day after a few weeks went by i got added to a new groupme where people only asked for food at press time dwyer reportedly had 74 meal trades left and was still fielding requests from upperclassmen the mugdown is currently investigating similar reports of meal trade abuse i couldnt believe it i really thought i was more than just a meal trade to these people dwyer said anyway i have to leave now if im going to make my 7:00 pm panda express hangout longboard of regents
the corps of cadets association conducted a study in the past eight years on cadet involvement off of the quad in recent years student body involvement has increased steadily; however cadet involvement has plummeted in organizations in which corps members are required to wear their uniform cadets are expected to be in the uniform of the day (pictured below) when entering the msc rudder tower and academic buildings when i was a freshman i looked at which organizations i would have to wear bravos to and i did not apply to those said sophomore cadet clarence sammley i wanted to be involved of course but i chose to spend my time off campus so that i wouldnt have to wear the khaki sack freshman travis conrad from squadron 9 quit the corps after he found out he had to wear a uniform to his freshman leadership organization (flo) meetings after every meeting we all go out to eat because i had to change into non-regs first i was always late and everyone had already eaten by the time i got there quitting was the only option if i didnt want to be late the corps of cadets association has stated that they will reassess cadet involvement in four years then make a recommendation to the commandant on how to tackle the problem meanwhile the corps will implement a policy in fall 2020 requiring all cadets to join at least one organization where they have to wear a uniform to ensure that the khaki representation across the university remains at an all-time high buffalo wild wags
saturdays ring day has been moved to the rec due to severe weather warnings what do you think i cant wait to take cute photos with my ring in front of the rock climbing wall! anne masuda ‘20 • biomedical engineering major my family better remember their towels thomas vernon ‘19 • special education major great now the line for a weight rack will be even longer roger buckley ‘21 • physical education major anime sciences
senior ocean engineering major jenny mckean was enjoying her last semester of college when her parents called to tell her they were coming to college station for ring day forcing her to entertain them for three consecutive days the mckean family lives out of state and only gets to see their daughter a few times year proud of her 392 gpa and recent acceptance of an exciting job the mckeans wanted to spend some precious time with their daughter before she leaves the nest jenny mckean knowing that there are only so many hours a day that they can go eat at restaurants together began to desperately think of things she could do with her parents her short list included a second trip to the local george bush presidential museum yet another stroll across the few scenic parts of campus and even a trip to nearby man-made lake bryan bystanders noted that mckean became visually stressed wondering how to keep them busy for their visit mr and mrs mckean blissfully unaware that these last few months of college marked the end of an era for their daughter who desperately wanted to make the most of the few moments she has left had already booked their flights from their residence in alexandria virginia i guess we can get a reservation at christophers mckean allegedly told her parents on the phone after receiving the news and maybe fargos on saturday i dont know there isnt a lot to do here that doesnt involve drinking with your friends and weve sort of already done it all oh nonsense sweetheart! said mrs mckean genuinely looking forward to seeing her daughter we dont need anything fancy just a little bit of time with you! mckean reportedly rolled her eyes as she told her parents she loved them dreading the long hours of awkwardness between scheduled activities that would ultimately result in sitting silently in her living room howdy boo boo
in academic plaza activists are protesting lawrence sullivan ross with the image of his wartime enemy union president abraham lincoln known to students as putting a penny on sully the defacement is meant to embarrass the former confederate general for being on the losing side of the civil war lincoln was the antithesis of sully in the civil war senior allie alacia said i cant think of a better image to protest sully maybe grant but protesting with a $50 would exclude the economically marginalized students like alacia have organized to make sure the protest happens daily they put the pennies on sully on days they have tests which guarantees people will deface the statue every weekday many students oppose the protesters this is almost as bad as the ‘sips removing robert e lee senior jonathan wilmont said referencing the removal of statues of lee and other confederate figures in 2017 by the university of texas at austin texas a&m has not announced plans to remove the sully statue despite recent resistance im all for free speech but defacing someone you dont agree with is not okay junior caitlin alvarez said its democrats protesting him and sully was a democrat everyone putting pennies on sully cant accept their past an attempt to organize a 24-hour watch of sully has been made but has gained little traction despite the divided student body the administration has not yet responded to the controversy 12th man card
the administration building recently responded to questions regarding graduation traditions at texas a&m university in the grand scheme of things these outbound seniors have only been here for the blink of an eye – but i will cherish all of this confetti nonetheless according to local photographer sam wellingsburg most students try to make their graduation seem festive by taking pictures with confetti streamers or glitter for those who want to convince their social media contacts that they are financially stable wellingsburg suggests spraying a bottle of champagne for a bourgeois appearance the combination of cheap wine and colored paper sends a message: i am leaving texas a&m for better or worse formally known as the jack k williams administration building admin told the mugdown that it is a high honor to be in the blurred background of graduation photos even if most graduates have never gone inside it said that the unwritten tradition of taking pictures on its steps feels like a humbling tribute one of the most important aggie values is ‘respect and i am so grateful for all of the respect that is shown to me by these graduates admin concluded west campus mirage
this past weekend the college of science put on its annual physics and engineering festival this years festival featured a lecture about sciences role in breweries a tour from a nobel laureate and over 200 hands-on exhibits available in an open house format throughout the mitchell physics building and institute most importantly the festival reminded the bryan/college station community how fun it is to blow shit up dozens of physics faculty spent time building and improving their demonstrations over the past year im so excited for the rest of the community to see what we do here one professor said referring to the crazy explosions that people came for in between all the nerd stuff this is our largest outreach event every year i really believe what we do here turns kids into aspiring scientists the festival was well received by the community it concluded outdoors with the five barrel depth charge demo which featured barrels full of water exploding due to the phase transition of nitrogen that was crazy! those barrels shot the water like two or three stories high! said kyle tao a 12-year-old bryan resident taos father keith was glad he took his son to the festival i was worried that kyle would be too young to understand how all these demos worked mr tao said but it turns out he didnt even care he just ran from exhibit to exhibit picking out ones with loud noises or bright colors the chief organizer of the physics and engineering festival was thrilled with this years turnout i think we really did a lot to teach these kids about science maybe some of the younger kids will consider physics as a future career option or at least be nicer to the nerdy kids in school anime sciences
to whom it may concern my name is sarah maxwell i was born in the late summer months of 1998 and ive wanted to be an aggie ever since that fateful day as a sophomore communications major i am extremely invested in this class and have a perfect attendance record i participate during lecture and even went to office hours once to ask about my essay as you are all aware i frequently answer questions in this groupme even when they are repetitive and easily found in the syllabus now i humbly come before you in my time of need my dog rufus an adorable miniature aussie started throwing up around 1 am last night (message me if you want pics) as you might guess my sleep schedule was disrupted as i spent hours trying to scrub the stains out of my carpet hopefully my landlord will spare me from any carpet cleaning charges but thats beside the point i made it to my 8 am biology lab (im pre-med) but i am totally exhausted to make things worse when i got home i noticed that rufus had puked yet again this time all over my bedspread im taking him to the vet later today even though money has been tight this month the only appointment time i could get is right during class and i need to be a good dog mom for rufus please keep rufus and me in your prayers hopefully this awful day will be over soon i am writing this to you in hopes that someone could send me the notes for today i dont want to be that person but… heldenfalls
reactions ranging from general discomfort to disgust were observed at the cottages last friday as electrical engineering senior ray hillman publicly defended the legality of his high school girlfriend hillman had invited his 17-year-old girlfriend marisa tyler a senior from allen high school to a party at his apartment there he announced how his relationship with someone five years his junior was entirely within the confines of the texas penal code i know its technically legal but its just weird when he was a senior in high school she was in 8th grade think about that said barbara schirtz hillmans classmate and fellow party attendee hillman and tylers relationship began during winter break when hillman swiped right on tylers tinder profile which had the bio actually 17 lol the relationship has continued throughout the semester much to the disbelief of both partys friends hillmans seven-minute speech over the relationship contained legal and moral arguments supporting his relationship hillman was recorded to have said the phrase true love fives times and referenced state and federal laws eleven times hillmans housemate and economics senior thomas oliver spoke to the mugdown about his reaction i must have been the third person to take him aside to ask him about it he said it wasnt any different than me dating a sophomore and then he decided to turn off the music and make this big speech for everyone to hear said oliver hes normally a pretty solid guy but what the hell was he thinking reciting the age of consent laws word for word in front of a dozen people i mean jesus man when oliver and the rest of the partygoers left for northgate tylers and hillman stayed at the cottages on the account that tylers could not legally enter a bar and because she had an ap environmental science exam on monday space cadet & buffalo wild wags
the physics & astronomy department of the texas a&m college of science was buzzing with excitement last week thanks to two young mormon missionaries who promised to give all students their own planet the two missionaries elder jedediah and elder max are on their two-year mission which almost all mormon youth participate in after graduating high school they are assigned to the bryan/college station area and had had little luck converting people until they entered the mitchell physics building at first no one was interested in changing religions said associate professor hassan paitnak but when the missionaries mentioned mormonism lets people become like god and get their own planet most students converted then and there currently over 75% of the astronomy student body has converted to mormonism however theology professor linda harmwall predicts almost every student will deconvert when they learn theyll have to give up coffee to receive their planet 12th man card
last thursday evening texas a&m university hosted its first parents scholarship banquet students from each college were required to attend an off-campus dinner to meet with the donors who have agreed to cover their entire tuition their parents parents were thrilled with the event i am so glad i finally got to see how my son has been doing in school said mr wade a donor who attended the banquet my wife and i have not gotten to talk to him much hes been so busy with school! after donating most of their savings these parents had the opportunity to spend a few hours with the child they spent decades raising this night was truly amazing said mrs wade im so grateful that my husband and i could put such a fine young man through college students however were not so thrilled ive been successfully avoiding my parents since christmas i even went on a trip over spring break so i wouldnt have to go home said russell wade ive spent a while building up this huge facade that im super busy with school i get that they pay for my education and all but cant i just thank them over text like usual despite student complaints the university is expecting to host the event again we are thrilled with the results reported a university official well definitely be doing this again next year it seems the only way well get students to have a meal with their parents is by force anime sciences
this weekend texas a&m university hosted its 38th annual big event now the largest one-day student-run service project in the nation bryan and college station residents are thankful for the work that students have done to help them with lawn work household cleaning and painting tasks they could not have completed themselves local cuckold tomas gautburt was thankful for the service that one student provided him and his spouse junior mechanical engineering major paul maxentius is no stranger to volunteering for big event having completed the one-day service project the last two years maxentius past projects included organizing the garage of an able-bodied recent graduate and removing weeds from the garden of a tenured chemistry texas a&m professor ive done work that felt like someone was just too lazy to do themselves before but this just felt unnecessary maxentius said unlike other big event hosts gautbert asked that somebody sleep with his spouse a task that he could not get around to completing himself with consent from both the student and his spouse gautbert provided the necessary environment and protection for the job even though mr gautbert felt that the household task was his responsibility mrs gautbert insisted that she had requested for the job to be done i made sure everything was set up beforehand so that he would just have to do the job i watched to make sure everything was done how i wanted it gautbert said gautbert concluded that he was thankful for big event as he could now cross an item off of his ever-growing to-do list to ensure that maxentius did not feel left out compared to other service projects in the area gautbert provided pizza and soda for lunch as he shared his experiences as a student when he attended in 1987 left on redass
construction science junior diane phillipson spread controversial statements during her lunchtime conversation wednesday stating that the big event was an empty sham phillipson argued that a day of service in the college station and bryan area primarily helps those who dont need assistance she attempted to convince her friends that the entire campus participating in various service projects failed to make any meaningful difference boy a bunch of college kids cleaning out a middle-class couples shed said phillipson who has not done any volunteer work since her court-ordered community service for an mip her freshman year like thats really going to chip away at the real problems like poverty and homelessness in houston said phillipson when asked if she had done anything to help with these other issues she said she has never contributed either service or monetary donations upon realizing that everyone near her had signed up weeks ago phillipson remarked how people would do anything for a t-shirt shortly afterward she began planning which movies she would watch on netflix while her peers used the day to better their community space cadet
the past few weeks news broke concerning the biggest college admissions scandal the nation has ever seen among the list of those involved were close to a dozen notorious and elite collegiate programs many people were shocked to learn that texas a&m university had not made the list upon learning about the amount of news coverage the university of texas was receiving texas a&m students were furiously jealous this led to a widespread protest against the a&m admissions board as to why their university missed out on a large pr opportunity university drive was shut down from texas avenue to wellborn road until 7:00 pm when texas a&m upd finally cleared the unruly students echoes of their chants could be heard throughout campus including nows the time to organize! get our students in with bribes! and if they cant get in with transcripts get them in on scholarships! president michael k young addressed the media following the students protest id like to begin by saying that texas a&m proudly declined copious bribes to provide prospective students with admission to our great university i am personally surprised that bribery was considered seeing how easy we have made it to get in said young this is precisely why we started the 25 by 25 program said young we dont need bribes to lower the value of our degrees this initiative is all about increasing our number of qualified and unqualified individuals as the intent of the 25 by 25 initiative comes to light during this national collegiate scandal students are considering if it may be better to bribe their way into the university as this may be the only way to separate themselves from other prospective graduates longboard of regents
representatives from several accounting firms joined together in the filing of a class-action lawsuit against professional program in accounting (ppa) students in the mays business school on monday grant thornton one of several plaintiffs has spent hundreds of dollars in recruiting efforts competing for these elite undergrads to no avail each year is no different than the last as students look down their noses and over their bifocals at the recruiters of lesser firms the decision to file a lawsuit was made as a last ditch effort to encourage better treatment of middle market recruiters by these exceptionally qualified students whose relevant work experiences consist of completing accounting 327 though few have formal internship experience these superior pupils have managed to complete at least three semesters worth of accounting courses at one of the nations top middle-tier business schools we are consistently treated as second class accountants said jeremy jones a grant thornton senior associate and lead campus recruiter defeated and with job offers in hand jones added that he only wanted to give the students an opportunity to make more money than they have ever had in their lives while giving them real-world experience in a company that has offices across the nation over the years jones and others have discerned the ability to see through these top-notch scholars uncandid interests during recruiter-student interactions the way these students look at us along with their attempts to avoid our phone calls and interview requests is blatantly discriminatory said jones some students however did acknowledge the benefits of the smaller firms it seems like grant thornton has a great culture where i would be valued long term but the partners at kpmg were so much fun at chimys last night said junior accounting major olivia munoz munoz plans on working for one of the big four accounting firms in the future where she is certain that her work-life balance goals will be easily maintained at the time of reporting it appears that a landmark decision will be made next month in working adults v entitled millennials although munoz wont be in court during the case her mind will definitely be on the topic as she cuts into a $40 christophers house filet courtesy of ey mugdown staff
contrary to your own false perceptions your friend chloe wellner was reportedly thankful to not have your dumpster-fire relationship on wednesday it is so nice not to have their relationship said wellner who frequently ends up third-wheeling with you and your boyfriend i dont have any boyfriend drama or a boyfriend at all for that matter she said after spending an hour listening to you accuse your boyfriend of constantly prioritizing his friends over you despite wellner seeming lonely at semi-formals date parties and mixers her experience watching you and your boyfriends cycle of silly arguments and pda scenes has negated any feelings of jealousy she might have had had she spent time with a couple in a more stable and healthy relationship your unsuccessful attempts to hook her up with your boyfriends less attractive brother have also proven totally unwelcome sources confirm that thanks to witnessing your inexplicable devotion to a boy who has never stopped texting his ex or remembered your anniversary wellner does not long for someone to take cute photos or mugdown with and has no plans of actively pursuing one soon homewrecking crew
finance major roger nguyen was confused as to whether he was being offered a novelty shot or sexual favor at the dry bean saloon saturday night the unclear proposition was reported to have been given by a female student whose identity is unknown at this time nguyen talked with the mugdown about the experience i noticed this girl looking at me and eventually she walks over leans down and asks if i wanted some ‘rough tough real backdoor stuff nguyen recounted ive never heard about anyone doing that with a girl but it also wasnt on the menu so i was pretty unsure of how to handle it witnesses describe nguyen standing looking perplexed and beginning to form sentences only to stop talking and try to rephrase his response the exact nature of the offer remains uncertain because as nguyen was mentally forming a response a friend of the woman began to violently vomit in the restroom this act prompted the entire party to be escorted from the premises at press time nguyens urban dictionary searches had failed to clarify whether he was being offered an alcoholic beverage or a questionably legal sex act space cadet
last thursday texas a&m disability services released a memo detailing complaints from students with disabilities about the condition of the single-stall handicap designated bathrooms around campus the report indicated that students with disabilities frequently find the single-stall bathrooms polluted by students without disabilities seeking a private place to unloose the caboose when the memo was released mugdown investigators began interviewing students without disabilities to get a better understanding of the issue the data collected showed an overwhelming ignorance to the presence of handicap-designated bathrooms on campus you mean those nice big single-stall bathrooms like on the first floor of the msc asked senior brandon wolkovitz the ones with the sturdy handrail and the nice wide seat yeah those are prime dump-taking bathrooms i frequent those bad boys every day before istm 250 other students displayed a similar lack of conviction around which bathrooms they consider acceptable to use i dont discriminate when it comes to toilets said junior marketing major aron hanskin if its theres an open pot im not afraid to make like snoop dogg and ‘drop it like its hot if you know what i mean so far no official decisions have been made towards a solution for this issue sources indicate that the committee is discussing swipe-access-only locations and possible staff monitoring of handicap-designated bathrooms until a solution is found however students with disabilities will just have to find a way to deal with all your shit washboard ags
last friday night junior industrial distribution major jacob leigher got into a moderate argument with his roommates during their pregame before going to northgate all was well until leigher asked for help carrying in the beer he had purchased for them following his plea for help leigher was met with much criticism based on his purchasing decisions according to leigher his roommates chastised him for his preferences in alcohol claiming that he should form his own tastes instead of copying his parents when asked to comment leighers roommate sophomore anthropology major mason fetch said its so obvious that he copied his familys inclinations without ever questioning them i wish he would think for himself leigher had his own input on the situation all they do is attack me for my beliefs he said am i wrong to savor what i was raised with it is something that i happen to find pleasantly refreshing leighers third roommate sophomore communications major david garland provided his own thoughts i just wish he was more open minded with his alcohol purchases it just shows his prejudice toward other alcohol they should just be happy that im buying them alcohol leigher concluded longboard of regents
early this morning chancellor sharp announced the first ever successful ‘fish purge during this event lasting 12 hours students were allowed to conduct any activity that the state of texas would usually describe as hazing the ‘fish purge was the result of several years of lobbying from the board of regents this is texas a&m most of our history is built on hazing said tony buzbee board of regents member just because somebody decided those storied traditions were against the rules doesnt mean they dont still happen under the radar last night we gave the student body a chance to carry on our rituals without fear of reprisal when the time came the campus erupted into chaos unexpectedly aside from one cadet being thrown out a window tied to a mattress the quad was relatively quiet most cadets were content to throw keg parties in their hallways and watch freshmen do push-ups in the showers what medical teams were not prepared for were the number of lesser known organizations coming out of the woodworks to initiate their freshmen this is a night i dont think ill ever forget said junior john pirez sure we expected this to be crazy but i never expected to see the aggie hair braiding club jump into a fountain with their hair daisy-chained together or a bible study group forced to cite the entire book of revelations from the top of the academic building after the glowing review from current students plans are already in place to repeat the event next semester sure i was nervous said freshman james bordson the morning after the event but i knew why i chose to come here and now i dont have to listen to my dad complaining about how i was missing out on the a&m experience its like i can finally say im an aggie the mugdown reports that students can already be seen wearing i survived fish purge t-shirts throughout campus hazed and confused
sharon herrod and sarah gillium have made history by being the first fish camp chairs to pick counselors solely based on their applications and interviews the mugdown had the opportunity to speak to the duo about their thoughts after their rev night this year we decided to pick counselors based on how well they fit our vision we understand that this is a big change from how counselors have been chosen in the past and we get why some chairs might be skeptical of this new approach gillum said but we think we may be able to get a quality camp out of it only time will tell herrod also shared her thoughts on the process using the control f functions for finding applicants in mens organizations is effective but we found that we just didnt have enough time to search every one of them this way she said we tried to facebook stalk our applicants but we couldnt always tell how attractive they were from their middle school pictures herrod concluded that by taking the time to carefully consider each potential camp member they might identify some counselors gillum who has a few concerns about the process but still feels confident added i am usually out three times a week on average so i thought id meet most of my counselors that way unfortunately reading these apps took too much out of me this year to meet them in person but i have faith our counselors wont be socially awkward herrod and gillium said that theyre optimistic about the quality of the candidates they selected this way but also stated that theyre prepared to return to the old way of choosing counselors if things dont work out wehner dog
when told by her advisor that she still needed a culture credit on her transcript in order to graduate next summer claire luthor was not worried its okay luthor said i have a black friend! luthor reportedly met her friend in 9th grade and they have been in loose contact ever since they were last seen together in a mandatory class photo when they graduated high school luthor told mugdown reporters that the experience was highly educational and gave her great insights into african-american culture i learned more from that friendship than a college class could ever teach me luthor said luthor hopes that her constant dedication will play into her time as a fish camp counselor too i wrote in my app that i even once dated a black guy so my chairs know that i am super accepting of others! the friend in question was not available to comment the mugdown will report luthors advisors response as approval of credit will likely be requested by many students at texas a&m who also have a black friend in the future west campus mirage