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this past sunday fish camp sent out application decisions to over 2 400 applicants about 1 200 of these students will have the opportunity to create a universally accepting support system to welcome incoming freshmen aggies at the end of the summer the other half of the applicants are unwanted and not welcome to help in any form this coming year each summer thousands of freshmen partake in their first tradition at lakeview methodist conference center in palestine texas there counselors put forth every effort for four days straight to make the freshmen feel loved and included if those same freshmen choose to apply for fish camp the following year counselors will no longer be obliged to include them one of fish camps core values – continuity – encourages counselors to spend time with their freshmen even after camp ends this is not limited to their own freshmen counselors frequently extend continuity event invites to all of their freshmens friends so every fish whether or not they attended camp is included at texas a&m however rejected counselor applicants are discouraged from spending time with actual counselors and are encouraged to promptly go away anime sciences
the first time i learned what a two-percenter was i was ten years old i was at my familys tailgate and my cousin (then a current student) was talking about her friend innocently i asked her where her friend was and she said he was studying in his dorm because he didnt like coming to games or anything else relating to aggie traditions my little mind couldnt understand he doesnt go to midnight yell i asked no she said student bonfire nope not even muster not even that she sighed my dad pulled me aside and explained that my cousins friend was a two-percenter he chose a lifestyle antithetical to e king gills gospel i still didnt understand and questions ran through my head for years how can that be has no one told him about the spirit that can neer be told why come to texas a&m if youre just going to focus on school that was in 2007 times have changed since then today someone identifying as a two-percenter is nothing special as texas a&m grows and changes with the times so do its students and their attitudes toward abstaining from its beloved traditions however the few that recognize two-percenterism for the sinful choice it is so often choose hatred and vitriol to spread jimbos message no matter that this hate flies in the face of what being an aggie is about who are we to condemn others who among us has lived without lapsing into two-percenter behavior i will be the first to confess ive left games before the end of the fourth quarter ive stayed at home before midnight yell when the weather got too cold in dark hours on long drives back from baton rouge ive looked to the stars and questioned my very own faith believing in the aggie spirit isnt about perfection its about holding to something much bigger than oneself through the ups and downs two-percenters are simply lost lost in sin lost in delusion lost in a lying culture that tells them their lifestyle is healthy and natural despite what ej kyle clearly outlined as our purpose here in college station though we cannot accept their choice we can embrace the spirit within them we can give them the same kindness we expect from each other and the same forgiveness we were taught to give to st johnathan of football hullakazoo
the office of the commandant was bustling with activity early this morning after the alleged activities that took place this past weekend following years of silence the commandant and his staff finally presented proof that the cadet liberation army (cla) is a reality the event in question occurred sunday february 17th during a texas a&m womens basketball game hundreds of cadets were required to attend this game so corps staff suspected this would be a prime target for the cla to facilitate cadets early departure from the game in preparation corps staff had several members posted at all potential exits in hopes of catching these mysterious cadets within five minutes of the game starting an unidentified cadet began complaining he was allegedly heard saying im pretty sure i would rather write a 10 page report on paint drying than spend another second at this game within a minute a group of cadets without any form of identification on their uniforms came and asked the complaining cadet to go to the bathroom with them by the time corps staff had moved on the situation the group had busted through an unattended emergency exit and leaped into a waiting truck when questioned by mugdown reporters witnesses were unable to give any description of the alleged cla members after being asked how corps staff would respond to this event corps commander adam buckley said despite our inability to catch them this has given us very useful information into how the cla operates we will be using the description of the extracted cadet to find and question him although the cadet has yet to be identified he was described as being a white male who was roughly 510 the office of the commandant has asked the student body to report any cadets who look like they fit this description 一 hazed and confused
in an effort to appeal to students texas a&m university has announced that its newly opened block t bar will accept dining dollars after finishing construction last year texas a&ms doug pitcock hotel and conference center opened its doors for the 2018 football season the hotel was built to provide visitors with a convenient place to stay while earning money for the university however its construction cost the goodwill of its student body jimbo has been well-received by aggie students the hotel…not so much said the manager of the hotel because of a bad start students may never fully appreciate what this hotels added income will do for our university but we are making changes to improve the students perception the reaction to accepting dining dollars has been overwhelmingly positive one student said if i drank in between classes before all my friends would have called me an alcoholic now i can enjoy a rum and coke before my intro to philosophy class its classy and economical not only has regular traffic increased but nights of common exams have seen exponential growth i cant justify going to northgate after an exam it costs too much! but at the hotel i can use my parents money without them knowing while we had a rough start im sure we can win back the students goodwill quickly the hotel manager said and if not within four years all the current students will be gone and the new ones wont know a thing anime sciences
adam wrincel chief student leader of floe (freshman leading organized events) will be hosting a new workshop for all student leaders this coming march due to an occurrence at last tuesdays floe general meeting what started as an ordinary discussion lead by wrincel quickly took a turn for the worst a new member who asked to remain anonymous was seated near the back when they raised their hand to respond to one of wrincels questions as wrincel went to call on them he made the mistake of attempting to utter their name rather than resort to common gestures such as a finger point or a head nod with eye contact even a routine term like ‘you or ‘go ahead would have avoided the absolute degradation endured by the new member but instead the new member was struck with the harsh reality that they were insignificant in the student leaders eyes wrincel attempted to salvage what was left of the new members already shattered ego flustered he managed to butcher the name three more times before the new member corrected him and shamefully slumped back into his seat in one final attempt to mend the situation wrincel stated that he could not make out the new members face the workshop is intended to aid in sharing strategies for addressing new members without having to use their names wrincel hopes to learn from his experience and prevent other student leaders from making the same mistake as he did ― longboard of regents
lieutenant colonel keagan was jolted awake by shouting from outside his office disoriented the colonel brushed aside the bottle on his desk to get a look at his clock after uttering a few expletives keagan rose to his feet it seemed he had spent the night in his office again an event that had become increasingly more common in recent months fortunately by overseeing the current cadets he was able to relive his long lost youth and keep his thoughts away from his failing marriage his reflections were interrupted by a volley of yelling from outside after he muttered a few more expletives to himself and took another swig from the now almost empty bottle keagan lurched towards the door to see what was going on upon stepping outside he saw the corps outside for their morning formation the daily ritual that reminds them that they were not in charge of their own lives it brought a smile to his face thinking that all these blithe virile kids were as miserable as he was the flags were raised and the cadets ran off to do their morning physical training leaving the colonel an hour to clear his ear–splitting headache soon the cadets returned to the quad now glistening with sweat and famished they all trickled into the dining hall to eat eggs that had been prepared the night before the colonel followed suit though he had no intention of eating instead he chose an empty table in the middle of the room and sat down from here he could observe nearly the entire corps eat their breakfast he could see those young lucky bastards poison themselves with their corps-provided food the mere thought let alone the sight of cadets filling their bodies with glorified refuse gave him more gratification than any paycheck the corps could give him he had all but forgotten about his hangover as he peered through the crowd soon cadets with early classes began to gather their things and leave like a hawk the colonel spotted a cadet skulking out of duncan with something in his hand upon further examination he saw it: a bag of bagels keagan bolted up trembling with excitement and sweating in anticipation despite being charged exorbitant amounts for meals that cost cents to make students who take food out of the dining hall with them are in fact stealing from the university this was his chance to get his revenge on these cadets he stalked the cadet outside waiting for his time to strike after a few meters the cadet noticed mouth breathing sounds coming from behind him and turned around uh good morning sir! the now startled cadet squeaked unaware of the primal pounding he was about to receive oh it was a good morning growled the colonel why dont you tell me what youve got in your hand there the helpless cadet looked at the bagels in his hand then looked at the mass of fuming impotence in front of him unsure of what to say what youve got there is university property snarled keagan and ill be damned if i let my corps turn into a bunch of thieving rats the cadet then received an onslaught of berating littered with choice four letter words after a couple minutes the colonel commanded him to get down on his hands and start doing push-ups at first the defenseless cadet completed his push–ups in perfect form however much to the colonels glee his pace began to slow and his breath began to falter only a couple minutes later the poor students hands began to bleed keagans rage was replaced by something far more stimulating as he towered over the sweaty cadet his excitement began to hit the breaking point the pain he saw in the cadets eyes was a reflection of his own after seeing the blood and sweat on the pavement he couldnt contain himself anymore he ordered the cadet to leave before he witnessed the volcano that was about to erupt in his pants as the cadet scurried away the colonel basked in wave after wave of euphoria the combination of the authority he held over the submissive cadet and the pain he inflicted made him delirious with pleasure strangely enough that cadet had put out more in 3 minutes than his wife had in the last 10 years grinning giddily he stood back up and started walking back to his office i need a drink said keagan as he locked the door behind him hazed and confused
with the rise of christian mens organizations on campus men in the christian bubble are struggling to beat the competition and take their ruth out on the perfect intentional date a group of junior economics majors from the brotherhood of men in christ beta mu chi decided to fill this void and serve their fellow christian men through their dating consulting company solomon services as heavily experienced daters and self-declared experts they started a company to create a personalized dating experience for their male clients this one time i took a girl on a simple first date to lake bryan said founder jake carlton i had a string quartet play some sick worship music and as we were really getting into the spirit i surprised her with a hot air balloon that landed from the sky! she seemed amazed as we floated through the air looking out over the landscape as a plane wrote her name we sat in silent awe through most of the experience and i came to the realization that i was an amazing dater thats when i decided to start the business most dating services provide a one size fits all plan to get the girl but solomon services provides personal assistance to help maximize dating creativity using an advanced algorithm the surefire dating creator™ factors in information about your target including womens org involvement breakaway attendance rate and whether or not she goes to antioch i love solomon services one happy user of the service told the mugdown there was this junior in pi phi that i felt the lord calling me to ask out but i had no clue what to do because everyone knows you cant just have a conversation with a girl on a date the surefire dating creator™ recommended that i take her on a surprise romantic flight to new mexico to recreate scenes from high school musical at the actual school where it was filmed we ended up not clicking so there wasnt a second date but all my brothers in christ were so impressed by my innovation i even have the pictures to prove it! this algorithm has reported such overwhelming success rates among men that the company is considering expanding its services to creative proposal ideasif any of their clients make it that far tukulele & christian bubble butt
college station restaurant owners released a poll today in which applebees was voted the best valentines day spot in aggieland for couples who are just going through the motions while youll see plenty of couples who are still in love a large portion of our restaurant is dedicated to those who know theyre in the final stretch waitress annie cortez said couples come to applebees because it offers familiarity something their relationship hasnt had in months the 2 for $20 deal means they can spend less on each other and more on themselves the two dollar drink deals allow some patrons to drink enough to put up with their partner while their partners can passive-aggressively count the number of drinks applebees has been aiming to gain a share of the millennial market for the past several years and contributing to their failing relationships is a part of that plan olive garden has the old slogan ‘when youre here youre family said applebees manager andy russo here at applebees we like to say ‘when youre here youre almost out of the relationship which has left you feeling like a husk of your former self 12th man card
the mugdown has received reports that all choral risers utilized in future performances are to be reinforced beyond the standard steel-frame design after decades of praise and access to high-profile events singing cadets egos have grown substantially in their early years as an all-male glee club at texas a&m college the singing cades were able to manage the attention of audiences over time the group began to notice the negative impacts of their growing egos consequences included trouble getting down the narrow aisles of buses and walking through doorways two at a time while creating challenges for the singing cadets to overcome these effects were manageable the choirs collective ego had a more troubling and destructive impact when the choral risers below them collapsed to the ground last friday audience members were first confused by the moaning sounds wondering if a new arrangement of popular choral pieces was being used but realized something was amiss when a singer on the back row of the risers disappeared shortly after the high-pitched screams of tenors could be heard over the rumbling groans of injured basses charlie mansfield a baritone in the singing cadets shared his relief that despite the chaos of the collapse those who were quick enough to jump off of the risers kept singing ensuring that the show went on this terror-inducing event led to multiple injuries and has forced the organization to engage in greater risk management in the future while the singing cadets leadership is working to ensure future choral risers can sustain the weight of their egos no discussions have been had about changing the culture of the organization to reduce the weight of what caused the collapse reveille hills
dear reader i am writing to inform you of a quite mysterious event that happened to me in academic plaza a few months ago this peculiar experience has been weighing on me for some time so i hope my honesty will help other students process their own strange encounters my day started off as it always does with a cup of coffee and a mad dash to secure a good parking spot i think thats perhaps true of most exceptional days: they always start like any other day giving you no hint of the strangeness to come so dear reader let me set the scene i had sat down on a nice shady bench to peruse the contents of my backpack searching in vain for the granola bar i knew must be languishing somewhere in its bowels when i sensed someone sit down next to me drat! i mustve forgotten to re-tie the breakaway tag to my backpack after considering my options (surely bolting was out of the question) i slowly raised my eyes to meet those of my assailant hi! she said cheerily im sara whats your name i mumbled an introduction trying desperately to remember the rules of engagement how much longer could i count on these banalities to last two three more minutes at the most i mentally berated myself for forgetting to wear my cross necklace when i had such a busy day ahead of me we exchanged pleasantries about the weather but i knew the available topics of conversation were depleting fast whats your major i offered sheepishly knowing this would only delay the inevitable to my surprise she answered succinctly her attention trailing to her phone was this the moment shed been waiting for i braced myself what would she start with asking where i went to church was always a good bet or maybe shed be more covert choosing to peer at me with concern and ask how i was really doing i absentmindedly smoothed my hands over my clothing i guess my lorde t-shirt was a little heathen-like in appearance surely i had brought this on myself she shifted her legs and i couldnt help but flinch i tried in vain to reassure myself shes probably just going to offer to pray for you and then you can be on your merry way you can do that right sit still and close your eyes for a few minutes wait why is she reaching for her backpack ugh i really dont want to lug another bible home my roommates and i already have three on the kitchen table and besides its not like i can just throw it away once she leaves me alone wait hold on shes getting up thats it am i not worthy of salvation or worse am i not worthy of her attention oh boy if thats true i must really look like a lost cause today wait what did she just say that it was nice to meet me not even have a good day anxious thoughts continued to race through my mind as i watched her walk away was this some kind of long con maybe one of her compatriots would approach me later or perhaps… no come on thats too unlikely but… what else can explain it my reasoning reached a fever pitch i had heard whispers of such strange behavior before but i had never experienced it myself after turning the conversation over and over in my mind the conclusion was inevitable…this sara whoever she was was simply being nice my religious conversion had never even crossed her mind can you imagine such a thing well dear reader i urge you to take heed somewhere out there in the campus wilderness there exists a rare unicorn…a friendly stranger with no ulterior motives i hope you will be better prepared than i was should you be lucky enough to encounter her heldenfalls
an employee at beutel health center is being formally recognized following an unprecedented occurrence last week audrey flanagan a senior nursing student shocked coworkers by being the first beutel employee to correctly diagnose an illness when student brady lewis displayed several symptoms including drowsiness headache and a mild cough doctors and nurses feared the worst: pneumonia just as doctors were writing lewiss prescription flanagan rushed into the room all he needs is some mucinex and a good nights rest said flanagan as she pointed to a page in her intro to nursing textbook its just a common cold flanagans boss dr susan bates was left in a state of disbelief the johns hopkins graduate began work at beutel following 5 years of experience at the center for disease control bates told reporters that she had never seen anything quite like it as most of her experience was with h1n1 and ebola outbreaks flanagan is scheduled to be formally recognized in the upcoming edition of texas a&m today as part of the recent lead by example campaign her inclusion makes her part of an impressive group of aggies with achievements including the development of lifesaving tourniquets homewrecking crew
late january marked another semester briefing for the corps of cadets cadets made their way into rudder auditorium to be reminded of the rules and challenge themselves to stay awake for the next two and a half hours those who were still alert half way through the brief would have heard chief compliance officer kevin mcginnis say that he hoped no one had that app on their phone when ensuring everyone knew that swiping right (or left) was not an indicator of sexual consent while for many this was a passing comment of little note it did peak some individuals interest after multiple heated discussions amongst the commandants staff a decision was made to prohibit cadets from using dating apps the original policy only targeted those apps that would likely lead to one night hook ups but officials have indicated that all dating apps are problematic as you can order up a date as easily as you might order up a pizza dating should involve more effort students should have to look someone in the eye in order to ask them out said an anonymous official involved in the policys creation cadets are less enthusiastic about the policy one cadet who wished to remain anonymous said i dont know how im supposed to find a date i cant date anyone in my outfit im not dating a boot chaser and i dont know anyone else my buddies are great and all but ive got to walk under the century tree before i graduate officials are not concerned that cadets will find their true love one official from the class of 75 was heard saying i found the love of my life while at texas a&m and we didnt even have email theres no reason these cadets cant find someone reveille hills
are you a senior with boots who doesnt have plans on valentines day or are you an underclassman who still hasnt found a new significant other after that long-distance break-up with your high school sweetheart if youre an aggie looking for a date then the mugdown has a solution for you our mission: mugmatch exists to provide every lonely aggie with the opportunity to find a date using our 5-minute questionnaire our motivation: after an influx of sad articles written by our very single writers we realized the mugdown needed to do something this loneliness epidemic however exists across the whole campus not just within our organization to combat this we decided to put our intern to work designing an effective matching algorithm to allow every aggie to meet a potential date how it works: we use our 5-minute questionnaire to get an understanding of each applicant using our patent-pending algorithm we find each students match considering the preferences of both students the process is simple! click the link at the bottom of this article and finish answering the questions by february 12th! be honest! youll find a much more fulfilling match waiting if your answers are true to yourself ensure you are signed into your texas a&m email account we do this to verify our applicants are currently enrolled at the university the application closes february 12th at midnight so be sure to finish by then wait until february 14th for your mugmatch we will roll out emails with mugmatches on the 14th you will receive your matchs name and email from there you can decide on further means of communication and potential meetups enjoy the time you two have together however long that is! what are you waiting for click here to take the questionnaire! the perfect match is waiting! anime sciences
1 it made the most sense economically 2 it is top-ranked for his chosen field of study 3 it is centrally located between austin and houston 4 he was impressed by the friendliness of the student body 5 he thinks participating in all the traditions might be fun 6 he enjoys wearing the color maroon 7 he thinks reveille is really cute 8 he thought college station offered sufficient dining and entertainment options next in this series: you wont believe why this guy hated a&m heldenfalls
everyone is a huge fan of aggie sports but did you know that there are some that students dont even know about we here at the mugdown have compiled a list of five aggie sports we guarantee you didnt know existed! soccer we get that this is america so no one really watches soccer anyway equestrian this one is no surprise either volleyball okay i know you think that youve caught on to where this is going youre wrong these days its just so hard to compete with football since students will only attend one athletic event per week (watch parties count) softball now this one is pretty obvious with a mens team that plays an identical sport against more intriguing talent this one just gets overshadowed womens basketball see above longboard of regents
here at the mugdown we are aware that every student hates showing up to a class to find out that their professor has an awful unavoidable accent why wasnt this listed on ratemyprofessor you may ask yourself while you try to find space in another section unfortunately every other section for your class is full next time use our list of accents to avoid to make sure you never take a class with a professor you do not understand nicolas cage as much as you can respect your professor for their obvious interest in acting greats lets leave our declaration of independence voice at home anything from home alone i never want to hear get out of here you filthy animal while leaving office hours ever again darth vader who wants to listen to muffled breathing every second no one does that guy who says now forming at the north end of kyle field its not funny when the whole third deck does it its certainly not going to be funny when your professor does it every class bane no one cared who i was until i put relevant information on the exam 2 study guide will never be funny left on redass
we may think we know exactly what professors are looking for in their students but the mugdown discovered exactly what professors look for in their students its not always the straight-a on-time pupils that draw a professors attention sometimes the most random things that students do truly woo their instructors here are 7 refreshingly random things professors say they cant resist in their students: 1 coming to class in pajamas coming to class in pjs lets the professor know you feel comfortable around them they love that their lecturing style lets you live in your own skin 2 walking into lecture 30 minutes late when you come to class after the lecture has already started you add an element of mystery to your professors day where were you why are you late professors cant resist speculating where you could have been and what could have kept you from class 3 openly questioning the professor in front of the whole class while this may seem like its rude professors are actually super into sassy students if students can talk shit back to me in front of a large audience they immediately have my attention and respect said one professor 4 asking for extra credit every professor loves when students beg for extra credit at the end of the semester it makes them feel powerful and wanted 5 letting your phone go off in class sometimes professors just need a break in the middle of a lecture when your phone goes off in the middle of their sentence professors are actually grateful for a little time to rest 6 using pen on free response exams while you may think professors prefer pencil on exams they actually prefer permanent ink dark ink is bold against white paper and shows you can commit to an answer professors also love the messy vibe of a crossed out answer 7 having poor hygiene you might have heard that good hygiene is critical to show you care however scraggly beards wrinkled shirts and intense bo are a professors first indicators that you are dedicated to their subject any student who is working so hard on my class that they dont have time to shower is a student i want to teach of course there are loads more qualities we could have added to the list! the possibilities are truly endless but the moral of the story is youre probably better off than you thought! washboard ags
the last time aggie football won a national championship they went 11-0 including a 20-0 victory over texas and a sugar bowl victory against tulane the mugdown believes their glory should not be left in the past and decided to see what members of the team are doing today james sterling: passed away joe boyd: passed away charles henke: passed away tommie vaughn: passed away marshal foch foxy robnett: passed away ernest pannell: passed away herbert smith: passed away derace mose moser: passed away james thomason: passed away walemon price: passed away john jarrin kimbrough: passed away what a grim reminder of the constant march of time while at the same time a demonstration of the greatest achievements outliving those who achieve them 12th man card
1 lot 100 do you like long walks on the beach during the summer time traveling to and from this iconic location is kind of like that just much hotter and less photogenic 2 blocker bathrooms do you need a cubby to hold your crap while youre taking one this is the place to be not to mention the lack of lighting which really helps one fall asleep while skipping pols 207 3 heldenfels hall whats that smell is it mold wait…is it piss 4 ag café if you like eating sub-par chick-fil-a in what appears to be a dining area from an early 2000s mcdonalds this location is a must good thing all of the furniture floors and countertops are so dark hiding the true filth which they contain 5 halbouty this place is a true gem one of the greatest editions to our lithosphere if you are required to take blow-off life and physical science electives you know that this place rocks 6 sbisa loading bay if you think that the food in sbisa smells great when served you have not experienced the smell of it being disposed of turns out brick oven pizza will start to smell like roadkill after a few hours in a dumpster mmmm wretched! 7 portapotty row having too much fun at that mens orgs tailgate but need to break the seal maybe youre en route to breakaway and just cant wait for them to open the doors if this sounds like you portapotty row™ is guaranteed to meet your needs homewrecking crew
according to corps of cadets lore there are only seven hot females in the organization at any one given time the mugdown has conducted hard hitting research to determine who those attractive khaki-clad females are and we have the privilege to share that list with you this list is approved by the commandant of the corps of cadets and quad moms congratulations if you are one of the lucky few 7 rat terrier wag 6 golden retriever wag 5 double wag 4 this dogs wag 3 fluffy wag 2 puppy wag 1 black labrador wag buffalo wild wags
this student spotted the queen herself on campus and decided to stop her for a picture upon posing with a hug reveille went to give the unsuspecting undergraduate a kiss longboard of regents
the hardest part about being a yell leader is the kiwi restriction even though i hate them not being allowed to eat them has been the greatest sacrifice ive had to make youre welcome for my service ~reid williams i dont wear underwear underneath my jumpsuit ~connor joseph living with ms rev was the greatest experience of my life until a year later that two faced bitch abandoned me for some other cadet i guess you just cant trust these hoes can you ~gavin suel i am currently creating a petition to make all yell leader uniforms red that way the enemy cant see when were bleeding like they could this season ~karsten lowe whenever i feel down i like to imagine my picture in a mugdown clickbait article unfortunately the university has copyrighted every picture of me so i know that i never will ~blake jones hazed and confused
tuition for texas a&m can cost tens of thousands of dollars per semester and that adds up quick! we talked to an a&m staff member who told us a trick to saving big on your tuition: receive a scholarship either through sports performance or academic achievement wow! if id known about this when i was younger i might not be crippled by debt 12th man card
when youre a house girl life is always fun! when living with all of your friends youll never run out of things to do but in case you do heres the mugdowns official tips for entertaining yourself when youve got some spare time on your hands 1 go on and just stare at those old composites on the walls from the 80s haha! look at that hair! look at those chunky sweaters! what were they thinking good thing your fashion is timeless youll never grow old youll never be just a picture on the wall right 2 stand outside the front door and remember what it was like to be a pnm walking in man that was so long ago but it also felt like yesterday oh how time flies remember when you were so insecure and so uncertain about where you belonged good thing you arent anymore! can you imagine 3 shop online for a dress for formal its only three and a half months away you need to be prepared! start shopping now for that perfect floor length dress thatll make everyone just jealous enough that they wish they were you but not so jealous that they hate you that would defeat the purpose 4 hang out with the other house girls you live with 60 other girls so surely someone is free to hang! unless theyre at class tutoring a meeting for another org or at work wow a 15 000 square foot house can sure feel big when youre the only one there! 5 go for a walk down the row get some nice fresh air! put on your cutest lulu leggings and a top but make sure your letters are visible somewhere you never know who could look out and see you and all the other sorority women need to see how well you rep your sorority! make sure you walk by the house that you cut on pref so you can look in and be glad you didnt end up as one of them and there you have it ladies! dont let the boredom get to you because if you sit still long enough the feelings of inadequacy might start seeping in again we cant have that can we now go out there and have some fun ladies! tukulele
the mugdown is known across the globe for our dedication to publishing accurate hard-hitting stories no matter the content however there are still a few things we wont put in this fine paper through much labor and personal risk i have brought a few of these things to print the first f-word i dont want to publish this and every editor said theres no way theyd let this one slip into an article i mean why would we use it anyways the other f-word same idea here i respect their commitment to not publishing slurs my finance tip article this was a nice clickbait idea basically it was called four stock tips finance majors dont want you to see and it would have been stock photos of penis tips funny right but the mugdown stands by its commitment not to publish nudity the names of our writers despite asking nicely no one consented to letting me use their name but my editors said we could publish one name: hannah frankly shes had this coming the koldus room we meet in at eight every tuesday thatd be a mess! looky-loos could walk by and see what were working on before its released thankfully we meet far enough away from the entrance that no one really notices us 12th man card
after infuriating his advisor by not taking her advice freshman joseph michaels shared with the mugdown why he is better than your typical freshman well yeah im a freshman but i decided to claim all my ap credits and even picked up a few dual credit classes my senior year of high school…so i am a sophomore by hours michaels said the mugdown will continue to follow michaels as he continues to break ground on the texas a&m campus with such brilliant academic tactics mad chaco
this past november class councils student led tradition elephant walk was changed so that students would not walk past the statue of lawrence sullivan ross who was a soldier statesman and knightly gentleman however the changes are far from complete here are eight more places that elephant walk will never stop at again 1) the statue of george hw bush okay fine its a little out of the way but still this omission smacks of partisanship 2) the statue of the little kids by hecc yes its an unsettling collection of lifeless children but since when have we not done things ftk 3) the saw ‘em off statue…or whatever its called there are even women in this statue! isnt is sexist to not visit it class councils told the mugdown that the statue is too new to have been a tradition for that long but my mom says she remembers it so that settles that 4) the christ the redeemer statue nope this is much too religious! this could be offensive! 5) the statue of liberty lady liberty may be holding a book but she wont receive a passing grade from tamu class councils! they even got exasperated when asked about the reason for leaving it out and declined to comment 6) this tribute to all tamu horse girls how much more wholesome does it get – victorious stallions leaping over the rubble of a toppled communist regime! there literally might as well not be an elephant walk anymore… 7) this tasteful furry this is how you know that all the diversity hype with new traditions is bullshit if they are so inclusive how come we arent stopping here 8) this street performer painted to look like a statue apparently its not okay for a human to appropriate a statues culture as you can see future elephant walks will be completely devoid of real culture thus rendering the tradition useless west campus mirage
one day a student was walking from the msc to her biochemistry class on west campus while walking through the wellborn underpass she walked by an engineer riding on his longboard listening to drake on his airpods and singing along to himself next she walked by a cadet who smiled at her she then tripped on her shoelaces but kept walking finally she walked past a sorority girl on her phone complaining to a friend about her upcoming anthropology exam when she made it to the top of the underpass she saw two police officers one of the officers said maam we believe that someone stole expensive equipment from kleberg and fled in this direction did you see anyone suspicious going that way without hesitation the girl realized who it was and told the police do you know what she said click the link below to see the correct answer! https://wwwyoutubecom/watchv=dqw4w9wgxcq tukulele
the mugdown is texas a&ms most famous group of highly trained satirists after years in the intensive soul crushing mugcademy they are constantly on guard about their secret identity you will likely never figure out who they are unless youre a cia agent or very lucky youre actually more likely to be struck by lightning many people foolishly think they can outsmart our best operatives if you want to try your luck at exposing our most illustrious writers read ahead at your own risk as they say the pen is mightier than the sword 1 they are always sweaty why are they so nervous do they have something to hide 2 if your friend is a female its a no go women arent funny 3 they always meet on thursdays at 7 pm in msc 2406 please dont come to our meeting this week 4 you have never doubted their heterosexuality t bar m style the mugdown is proud to announce that no gays have infiltrated our ranks 5 they order their chick-fil-a sandwiches sans pickles no one else does this 6 they deny being in the mugdown at great personal risk i will disclose that we dont prepare our agents for waterboarding at the mugcademy 7 they write for the battalion really good luck out there exposing your friends! ring chunks
1 your favorite food is grass 2 your name is both singular and plural at the same time 3 your tallow is used to produce soap and candles 4 youre only slightly less intelligent than a pig 5 you can see behind you without turning your head 6 you believe that the traditions of texas a&m university are special and vital to the student experience here they build character and are a way to represent the universitys core values these traditions include everybody by creating a common activity students of all backgrounds can share together the unity brought about by the traditions of texas a&m allows all aggies to work with their peers to push boundaries and achieve greater levels of excellence positively impacting their community and serving their fellow man thanks & gingham
1) this is one sexy box it can handle a lot of meat who wouldnt want to get inside this box 2) thats a nice handful of breast maybe even two handfuls plump yet firm this breast meat is begging you to bury your face in it 3) this homegrown box needs some good old fashioned lovin this box came from the laynes next door so it seems innocent but you know how dirty it really is 4) the fingers in this box look great we bet the legs and thighs would look even better 5) nothing is sexier than a bird in lingerie
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texas a&m reached a major milestone this week when it was ranked as the #1 public university in the country in some bullshit oddly specific metric these rankings placed a&m as the #3 overall university in this meaningless and empty achievement behind two private schools with which you are likely unfamiliar this is a&ms highest ranking ever in this narrowly defined category that required four different modifiers to reach a sub-field specific enough for a&m to be ranked at the top this obscure ranking clearly demonstrates that texas a&m is a uniquely excellent institution said president michael k young it allows the administration to claim that a&m is #1 without having to put in the effort to improve the university in any way that is actually meaningful justifying several years of questionable decisions the mugdown uncovered that the university administration uses unpaid interns to trawl through the internet to look for literally any list that a&m is ranked highly in sometimes this strategy succeeds and sometimes it backfires in december a&m made national headlines for inadvertently publicizing that they were the #1 university in the country with only one recreation center per 60 000 students going forward the student body hopes that texas a&m will continue to provide a top-notch experience in this very narrowly defined category that affects a tiny minority of current students and faculty big brother jed
fundamentals of aggie social media
despite spending an entire semester pining for the comfort and warmth of her familys home sophomore rachel nimitz has found herself longing to return to the cold neglect of her college roommate and escape the smothering affection of her parents having looked forward to winter break since august nimitz was eager to return to her hometown and loving family for a relaxing break from school like most students she wanted the chance to catch up on some sleep and netflix while eating ice cream straight from the container however nimitzs optimism about her family getting along slowly waned and eventually dissipated her familys incessant bickering wore her down into a shell of the person she once was their quirky mannerisms that were endearing on phone calls are now infuriating in person i love my parents but their relationship terrifies me said nimitz i dont know why theyre still together when its obvious they hate each other i care deeply about my siblings but i am beginning to think theyre psychopaths i feel so guilty for feeling this way because i know they all love me so much nimitz says she now fantasizes about the life she shares with her roommate who she isnt friends with on facebook molly doesnt ask me when ill be home because she ‘just cant sleep until im home safe nimitz said molly doesnt ask me who im texting or comment on my life choices or mock my political views were just two strangers who share a kitchen and i miss her deeply mugdown staff
an investigative study conducted by the student senate conspiracy research committee was released last monday showing a direct correlation between hours spent stuck in traffic and the number of extra semesters students must take before graduating the investigative searchwhich has gained opposition from the registrars officefound that for each hour per week that a student spends in idle traffic the odds of taking an additional semester increase by 18% brent ricardo of the newly formed conspiracy research committee suspects that the causal mechanism is either a greater exposure to many of b/css sub-par radio stations leading to a loss of brain capacity a massive increase in anxiety over having your unassigned seat stolen in class or both there are only so many times that i can listen to ‘sicko mode while thinking about some uninvolved nobody taking the seat that i worked so hard for… ricardo was unable to finish the interview as he stormed off to logies to vent to his committee some suspect that the traffic which has worsened both the universitys and citys construction alike is yet another way for the university to keep students here longer than they had planned when asked for a comment the office of the registrar replied we are invested in having this issue resolved nothing worries us more than knowing that our students must pay for additional semesters here at a&m when questioned about expected traffic improvements city of college station officials laughed softly and then started to weep west campus mirage
dr erik pavelka professor for one section of modern physics at texas a&m university has purged the terms test and exam from his vocabulary choosing instead to use celebration of knowledge thanks to pavelkas beaming positivity students of his class are unusually optimistic about their upcoming final examination students claim that referring to their tests in this calming manner motivates them with hope in place of the usual terror this hope remains right up until the tests are passed out as pavelkas deliberate choice of words alleviates the actual pain of failure an almost undetectable amount the mugdown reached out to pavelka to obtain a comment on his groundbreaking teaching methods and the impact they are having on his students i am very funny said pavelka both pavelka and his students in defiance of their positive mindset are utterly unprepared for what will become a historically low test average bacon & ags
president michael k young announced that texas a&m university will soon begin accepting transfer credits from tutor john 40 & go and a+ tutoring during a campus faculty meeting friday afternoon the decision comes in response to the increase in popularity of such services in recent years students majoring in business and science–related fields will be most affected by the decision we need to make sure that these educators are qualified to teach at the high level we expect said young by integrating them into our system we will be able to keep an eye on them maintain test failure rates and thus raise the quality of education among students the news has been well received ali from a+ already saves my grade every semester i might as well just take his course said junior chemistry major mary nelson nelson and others are now waiting to select courses on howdy with professor tbd excited to get the instructor they truly want accounting professor martin wu allegedly resigned from the university but will be teaching intermediate accounting at texas a&m – tutor john next semester i can teach the same material and get paid twice as much can you really blame me said wu when asked about this decision homewrecking crew
hey i really hope this isnt too much of a bother ive put this in seven or eight groupmes but ive only received 10 submissions at least 500 people have seen my post! i mean i know im not great friends with everyone in each group but youd think they could take a little bit of time out of their day just to answer a few simple questions we say aggies take care of aggies and all that but no one can even spare a couple minutes to help me out i mean come on its just a short little questionnaire over some basic psychology concepts i havent been paying much attention in class but it was supposed to be about different psych stuff like the bystander effect and diffusion of responsibility i mostly just recreated my friends survey but with different wording it didnt take me long to make so it definitely wont take long to fill out! i hope this has convinced you to fill it out i really could use the extra answers or else i wont have anything to turn in im getting so desperate im about to post it in my freshman fish camp and old class group messages heres the link: https://googl/nizhom desperately question heir anime sciences
avery kilbourne a junior biomedical engineering major inadvertently supported puppy mills this week when she visited puppy station at the post oak mall finals season gets so stressful so i figured i would take a study break to pet some cute dogs said kilbourne unbeknownst to her the puppies on display were purchased from a commercial dog-breeding facility with no regard for animal welfare kilbourne a self-proclaimed animal lover picked out a beagle puppy named pepper at six weeks old he was prematurely taken from his mother in order to be confined to a 2 by 2 feet area with three other dogs the store was crowded with other students taking pictures and holding puppies many of whom will be sent to kill shelters after they grow past a certain size after kilbourne grew bored with puppy station she returned pepper to his crate devoid of food and bedding and headed back to campus to study a few days after her visit pepper was thankfully adopted by another texas a&m student sophomore jessica kopke pepper will spend the next few years kennelled for nine hours a day in kopkes empty apartment while she is busy as a full time student on campus magnum opas
in an unexpected decision tuesday class councils have decided to exclude the entirety of texas a&m university in all future elephant walks while controversial the change is a needed addition to make the tradition more inclusive for all students class councils spokesperson and senior biology major jack getty spoke to the mugdown about the alteration the choice was one of forward thinking necessity every location or tradition we visit where a student may have had a negative experience is another person left out of the aggie family we can either adapt or let shame be a new core value among the excluded areas are the arches in front of the quad due to a history of oppressing freshman and excluding non-regs all academic buildings will be excluded because of a legacy of past generations failed courses military walk has been removed to avoid connotations with the draft during the vietnam war the msc will not be visited in solidarity with all those harmed by united states service members class councils expressed that all spaces between the stops need to be excluded as they celebrate a campus that was originally all male and that excluded minorities to remember such a mixed legacy would be backward thinking sophomore finance major june tyler expressed her support of the change honestly why would you want to include the institution in this hallowed tradition even the name is on the wrong side of history celebrating texas implies transfer students are second class citizens agriculture is an environmentally exploitative practice mechanical is poisoned by the history of wage slavery in the industrial system universities marginalize community colleges and trade schools the new location for elephant walk will be an empty field outside of college station to remove references to a community primarily controlled by white males there students will sit to avoid being ableist to those who cannot walk and remember their time at texas a&m in an all inclusive manner space cadet
another semester has flown by which means its time once again to say goodbye to our own graduating senior members just as one anxiously waits for the next bit of our content to reach the public so have these friends of ours been waiting to be made known to the world their time contributing to the mugdown is coming to an end but the legacy and satire they leave behind will live on congratulations to our graduating seniors!
last monday senior english major keegan mcginnis was recorded stating that upcoming finals are not bothering him at all despite having three ten-page papers due and four examsnone of which he has prepared for mcginnis says his faith will suffice im hecka relaxed i will be fine no matter how my grades turn out said mcginnis thanks to his life group mcginnis says that he now knows how to handle stress through prayer and suppression mcginnis told the mugdown that he used to be extremely tense often venting his frustrations via kickboxing classes however his recent conversion to a life of faith had necessitated a change rather than taking vengeful action against helpless inanimate objects he now sits still and prays redirecting his negative feelings deep inside of himself in introspection even mcginnis language has changed i used to cuss all the flippin time but then i realized that swearing can fudge up my relationship with god so while i might be thinking of something crappy i just say the polished version and god never knows the difference! while some of his friends from his previous secular life are worried about the change mcginnis has complete confidence in his decisions if i was so stressed thatand i swear i mean promise that i am noti literally died at least i would escape this gehenna-scape and go straight into the fathers arms when asked if he had scheduled an appointment with the writing center or if he would attend any of the supplemental instruction sessions for his classes mcginnis said that his bible study would be taking a trip to sugarloaf mountain so he probably wouldnt have time 一west campus mirage
held annually on november 18th at 2:42 am the bonfire remembrance ceremony honors the eleven students and one former student that passed away in the bonfire stack collapse in 1999 as the remembrance event approaches freshman holly selby showed her deep emotional tie to the tragedy by changing her profile picture on facebook a representative of traditions council the organization that orchestrates the ceremony gave some insight into the profile picture change well im not really sure when the design for the picture popped up all i do know is that if you dont have that picture uploaded by the morning of the 18th you are blacklisted due to lack of tradition appreciation said the individual opting to remain unnamed i feel an empathetic connection to the tragedy two kids who lived in the same dorm that i do passed away when the logs fell but i think its morally courageous of me to show my appreciation for the tradition by changing my profile picture it shows my stance on the entire event said selby a freshman engineering major and member of delta pi delta when asked whether she knew any of the names of the fallen students selby declined to respond saying she had a banner holding shift for delta pi delta at the msc buffalo wild wags the bonfire remembrance ceremony will be held on sunday november 18th at 2:42 am at the bonfire memorial it will honor those that passed away in the bonfire stack collapse miranda denise adams ‘02 christopher d breen ‘96 michael stephen ebanks ‘03 jeremy richard frampton ‘99 jamie lynn hand ‘03 christopher lee heard ‘03 timothy doran kerlee jr ‘03 lucas john kimmel ‘03 bryan a mcclain ‘02 chad a powell ‘03 jerry don self ‘01 nathan scott west ‘02
tired and depressed after a long day of searching for stories interesting enough to make texas a&m students read a newspaper battalion writer darrell burgess buried his face in his palms and longed for the lavish and luxurious lifestyle of the typical mugdown writer wednesday evening oh what id give to write for the premier news organization on campus! burgess said id enjoy mornings sipping mimosas with french models at my bedside before i went off to engage in real journalism instead of this tawdry little desk in the msc underground i would go to work at an office that dwarfs the parthenon the leading minds of our generation would schedule years in advance to stand in my presence kiss my knuckles and pick my brain when it came time to retire from my work id have the keys to the mugmansion their $10 million temple stocked with every hedonistic pleasure known to man for my journalistic rigor id be rewarded with nightly ragers thatd make coachella look like a chuck e cheese birthday party burgess slammed his fists on his desk alas! i am condemned to inoffensive mediocrity my words deemed truth without meaning my work ignored without consequence and my greatest contributions forgotten with the modest passing of time if only i were worthy of the mugdown elite whose very thoughts could topple empires whose writings illuminate the soul and whose diametrically superior lives i covet with every fiber of my being sources confirm burgess spent the night sobbing at his desk until he fell asleep in the throes of envy and turmoil hullakazoo
over the years multiple hazing scandals at texas a&m have made headlines forcing james wilson a senior in the corps of cadets to question what greek life is doing wrong to help greek chapters wilson hosted a lecture series highlighting how the corps is able to haze members and not only get away with it but also be praised for it hazing scandals are completely avoidable if greek life would just follow the example set by the corps of cadets explained wilson as a senior in the corps i would consider myself an expert at what i call ‘hazing in plain sight wilson believes that instead of midnight lineups and secret initiation rituals greek chapters should haze publicly as soon as we get a hold of the new fish we shave their heads and then post videos making it look like we have nothing to hide instead of making our members do physical labor during the middle of the night we send the cadets onto campus to run for miles and call attention to themselves through chanting and jodies added wilson members are encouraged to complain about how hard the corps is while pledges are told to keep quiet which only makes them look more guilty delta tau president jeffery millner was excited to attend the lecture any chance i get to better my hazing tactics i take said millner i knew the corps could help us when i noticed they had even convinced the administration to let them haze their youngest members in an multiple hour long event called ‘corps brass culmination when asked about hazing wilson said he focuses on the power of unity when you live together eat together study together and work out together members are less likely to feel comfortable telling on each other cadets are taught from the first day that were family and you must never betray family no matter what we do to you antoni oh-nos
last weekend before the football game between texas a&m and ole miss sophomore daniel pattener was detained at the southeast entrance of kyle field for a clothing violation pattener was reportedly pulled aside when officer phil johnson noticed a crinkly sound coming from patteners bulging pockets officer johnson withdrew two corn dogs a handful of chex mix and a half-eaten bag of jolly ranchers from the side compartments of patteners cargo pants after detainment pattener was issued a citation and asked to remove the offensive clothing which was confiscated with a pile of camelbak water bottles and small metal flasks sources report that pattener plans to dispute the citation claiming his cargo pants pockets are equivalent to a small clutch bag without a strap permitted by the texas a&m clear bag policy as of now officials are unsure what the student courts verdict will be three days following the event officer johnson was awarded president michael k youngs medal of distinguishment for dutifully maintaining safety and revenue at kyle field johnson accepted the award with a nod of respect im just doing my job sir johnson said washboard ags
the jubilant atmosphere at rebecca leighs graduation party thursday night was momentarily disturbed when some gluttonous pig opened a fresh bag of doritos resting on a kitchen counter the repugnant bastard whose relation to leigh is unknown at press time had spent the ten minutes before the incident listlessly sipping his beer and awkwardly stepping in and out of others conversations sources suggest these minor social interactions were merely a front to justify the disgusting swines access to the refreshment table witnesses recount the sad sludge-lord approaching the assortment of snacks noticing the unopened doritos bag passing over numerous healthy food options before him and tearing the plastic bag open like a ravenous raccoon onlookers could only watch in horror as the gormandizing sack of filth stood by the kitchen counter and ate from the very bag of chips he had opened himself this shameful scene of consumption continued for approximately four minutes after the bag was opened before the putrid slop-slinger was satiated party-goers attempted to hide their searing looks of judgment as the revolting ogre wiped his hands on his jeans and returned to the rest of the party hullakazoo
dr jill steinberg director of the infectious disease unit (idu) of ap beutel health center confirmed reports that swabs taken from the msc couches have tested positive for apathy apathy is a contagious illness that produces symptoms such as fatigue malaise and despondency in college-aged adults the swabs were collected after a lab technician noticed several students were sleeping on the couches during strange hours of the day our team members at idu have been working around the clock to identify the particular strain of apathy present on our campus said steinberg unfortunately outbreaks like this are common especially during the colder months when the semester is well underway and the football program is beginning to falter the symptoms first appeared after grades from my first round of exams were posted said sophomore mechanical engineering major barrett buckley i suddenly found myself gorging on panda express every afternoon even though i knew i shouldve been attending my intro psych class once i started sleeping through my 8 am materials science class i knew things were going downhill according to steinberg nearly 500 students have reported symptoms consistent with apathy in the last month this strain does seem to be especially graduation-resistant said steinberg resistance develops when students do not finish their prescribed courses either by utilizing q-drops or even withdrawing from the university students feeling apathetic are advised to pursue treatment immediately suggested treatments include re-familiarizing oneself with the cost of tuition taking a brisk walk or imagining how disappointed your mother is in you heldenfalls
texas a&m university officials sparked controversy on monday when they unveiled an initiative to make university classrooms inclusive of all genders effective immediately a statement from university president michael young announcing the plan to remove all gender boundaries between lecture halls sent shockwaves across campus garnering praise and scorn from current and former students as aggies it is an utmost priority that we hold true to the core value of respect young said in his statement that means acting ahead of our time we cannot wait until it is convenient to do the right thing its our responsibility to let every aggie know regardless of gender identity that they are welcome to use whatever classroom they like the new all-gender lecture halls are receiving heavy promotion across texas a&m social media with graphics advising students on how to take notes and turn in assignments without making things weird or contracting cooties critics say the new initiative represents texas a&m turning its back on foundational conservative values just typical of the young administration to cater to the libs again said one texags commenter with numerous unincluded typos what on earth has happened to our school im not sure im even comfortable sending my daughter to a campus where shes expected to use the same classroom as a man just to include these ‘transgender types sophomore english major kensley akers who identifies as a transgender man said the initiative was a promising if confusing step forward it sounds great akers said and youngs letter seemed heartfelt for once but i guess im a bit unsure of what actually changed do we just keep going to class as usual as the debate wears on future controversy may lie ahead as there are rumored plans to admit students who arent socially stunted pricks into the corps of cadets by the end of the semester hullakazoo
ring season is in full swing and every weekend students are christening their aggie gold in a lukewarm baptismal of flat beer while wearing an aggie ring has historically been a senior privilege mugdown investigators have discovered that many ring recipients are not in their fourth year at the university these ‘senior by hours underclassmen have sidestepped the traditional pathway to earning an aggie ring by fulfilling the 90-hour requirement early while these students are eligible to wield the status that comes with an aggie ring many of them are still too young to chug a pitcher of beer in under 30 seconds for their ring dunk this ring season the college station police department is keeping a tight watch on ring dunks citywide in an effort to stop underage dunkers though these dunkers are breaking the law police report that the students are not evading arrest in fact they seem to want to be discovered in the act last weekend when caught chugging a pitcher of old keystone on his best friends brothers girlfriends deck junior carsen willens reportedly asked officer will this go on my permanent record after the officer responded affirmatively reports indicate willens released a sigh stating finally after further research data shows that the escalating number of bachelors degree-wielding applicants in the job market is driving the competition for entry-level positions to an all-time high students desperate for any way to stand out in front of companies have turned to alcohol for the cure i really had nothing on my resume said junior civil engineering major charles darkin but i got my aggie ring as a sophomore and dunked in a redass 20 seconds so i will have plenty of impressive things to talk about when companies bring up my mip from 2018 experts are still unsure of the long-term consequences the mip may hold for offenders students remain hopeful that mip-induced job opportunities will at least make it worth the out of state tuition penalty for cashing in those useless ap credits washboard ags
the mugdown received the following press release from the anonymous organization maroon legion late last night the sender asked for us to publish the statement today on the celebration of guy fawkes day elitist secret societies have governed this school for too long! members of this cancerous aristocracy identify themselves by wearing aggie rings on their left hands! they have established the ‘tradition of wearing aggie rings on right hands as a way to suppress us – the peaceful majority we invite you and all other aggies to aid in disrupting their system by wearing your aggie rings on your left hand! while physically harmless this will send a message to the elitists that we will no longer be restrained! we are the maroon legion we do not forgive we do not forget we do not lie cheat or steal nor tolerate those who do ㅡwest campus mirage
undergraduate business advisor leonard harris began scheduling appointments with students last tuesday in an attempt to better understand his job requirements throughout the week harris electronically booked and attended numerous meetings with students at study rooms in west campus library the so-called advise an advisor sessions were structured to promote strictly professional and time-worthy communication between advisors and students it would bother me if i ever misled a student on something that simple said harris in response to a question regarding how students should select their classes harris views the ability of an advisor to help students complete the necessary coursework in a timely fashion as essential many colleagues of harris have expressed support when asked about his student meetings seeing it as an opportunity to impact more students younger students take advice from older students instead of us all the time soon enough we will be prepared to take back that responsibility said fellow advisor stacy warren the advising sessions appear to be nearing their conclusion as students have created several final tests for advisors to pass before returning to their regular responsibilities one such test begins with advisors attending resume workshops and career fair preparatory sessions the evaluation of this test is determined by how well each advisor navigates conversations with recruiters the day of career fairs homewrecking crew
late wednesday evening mechanical engineering major jordan gibbs began to question his major choice after another late night spent studying by himself going into college i didnt have anything i was passionate about that could make money gibbs said or at least not enough money to support a family one day despite finding his ultimate motivation in becoming a loving spouse and a devoted father gibbs has yet to meet that special someone i thought about joining a social organization freshmen year instead i chose a professional organization for better job opportunities i want to secure a good salary how else will i afford my childrens college one day while he knew meeting his future wife during freshmen year was unrealistic gibbs had hoped to have at least have one serious relationship by the end of his sophomore year as a junior gibbs says his homework routine feels like a 9-5 job only with nothing waiting for him at home yeah i knew that one day i would find myself tired of work and the daily rut but i imagined by that point id be at a well-paid job with a frame of my son and daughter on my desk that i could look to get me through the day id remind myself that when i get home my loving wife would greet me from the porch as my two kids and pet dog run out the door to say hello after finishing studying that night gibbs returned to his apartment to find all the lights off and one of his roommates watching a movie in the living room anime sciences
early this morning president young announced that he has partnered with brazos county to ban the sale of all beer pitchers in the area following the message ring dunkers have begun scavenging for lone pitchers and are searching for alternative ways to dunk their rings a tradition stemming from the extensive past between texas a&m and alcoholism for the unacquainted the ring dunk is a ritual in which students who have recently received their aggie ring place their ring at the bottom of a traditionally sized pitcher and chug the beer as quickly as possible im so lucky i bought my pitcher last week said carl borgo a junior physics major otherwise id be using my bettas fishbowl to dunk in without pitchers students are creating innovative ways to dunk their rings due to the sudden lack of standard sizing conflicts have arisen on how much beer is actually used for a dunk traditionally the pitchers hold four 12 ounce beers students have resorted to using fish bowls gallon cowboy hats and an assortment of other household items supposedly young doesnt like how the ring dunk makes texas a&m look a bunch of under-age hoodlums chugging beer is not the image he wants to create said an anonymous source close to the president maintaining texas a&ms stellar sec reputation is imperative to the president and removing pitcher sales should halt the ring dunk tradition the ban will be implemented starting this friday as long as the vote goes through the bryan/college station city councils reports indicate that navasota will begin to sell ring pitchers to meet the upcoming need of students who have not already purchased their own buffalo wild wags

reports suggest your grandmother who loved and cared for you unconditionally throughout your young life has spent much of the last few weeks excusing your failure to call her he must be busy with schoolwork she told mugdown staff as she folded clothes tuesday evening texas a&m is a tough school so i bet he has his hands full these comments come in stark contrast to the surplus of free time you have had to call your grandmother that you instead chose to spend binging brooklyn nine-nine and scrolling through twitter engaging in meaningless activities that will never provide you the genuine warmth and affection she would so freely give to you if hes anything like his grandfather hes probably running around with some girl your grandma continued reaching for a tv remote to change the channel in time for wheel of fortune at his age who knows what hes up to i cant blame him for not wanting to waste time talking to some old bitty like me after her shows were over sources indicate your grandmother checked her phone for missed calls found none and went to bed hullakazoo
in order to cut down on unidentified passengers and improve safety measures across campus the texas a&m aggie spirit busses will soon require two acceptable forms of government-issued id in addition to a student id upon boarding beginning november 1st 2018 the acceptable forms of government-issued id are as follows: valid drivers license (texas only) any valid us passport us military id or a corps of cadets haircut™ social security card and photocopy for the bus driver sick note from beutel health center original birth certificate and official medical record dating back to 1994 a blank check payable to texas a&m university this precaution follows a large-scale bust of several college station residents in possession of novelty student ids last year it is imperative we only have students on the aggie spirit busses said roger athensburg a transportation services supervisor it is completely against university rules to allow college station residents to benefit from any university service or amenity university officials ensure they are committed to the safety of students on campus; the bus system will also begin installing metal detectors in busses and include intensive security screenings before boarding in the near future mission trippin
yesterday evening reports came in of a historical sight unheard of in the recent memory of the city: an open supporter of the democratic party was spotted living in college station jackie holtzberg college station resident and the eyewitness who called in the sighting described her experience in detail this woman just moved in across the street from me her car was parked in the driveway and i noticed that not only did she stick a beto orourke sign in her lawn she also had a 2012 obama bumper sticker on her car i even heard she graduated from tu upon further investigation it was confirmed that the individual does in fact live within the college station city limit and is a registered democrat it was then that i knew i had a real-life democrat as a neighbor i was very shocked to see something like thisin college station of all places! holtzberg said living in such a conservative town i didnt think i would have to explain something like this to my kids so soon while the implications of the sighting are uncertain city authorities wish to remind citizens to stay alert and always be aware of their surroundings mission trippin
brock heard performed his civic duty of democratic participation today taking advantage of the mscs convenient location for early voting heard like many aggies is not from brazos county however this did not even slightly hinder his ability to cast a ballot if it came to a point where he did not know anything about the candidates or their positions heard simply picked the one that sounded the most familiar or had the coolest name whats important is that i voted for every position heard told the mugdown heards parents were thrilled to hear that he voted i was so excited to tell my family! heard said we take a lot of pride in political participation over the past few days the msc has been host to a large number of students wearing i voted! stickers heard says that this motivated him significantly as it would have embarrassed him not to have a sticker besides voting only takes like 35 seconds heard said heard a political science major further explained that the importance of voting cannot be overstated had he decided not to vote then his opinion on important things like locally-held offices which affect citizens day-to-day lives would have gone completely unnoticed even if i didnt always know what i was voting for at least i took a stand said heard after exiting the msc heard a graduating senior will likely be moving back to his home state of colorado this spring and is reportedly a bit disappointed he will not get to experience the impact of his decision to vote ⎻west campus mirage voting day is on november 6th in texas
crowds on church street were filled with rapturous zeal on sunday celebrating the opening service of the first church of jimbo the church is centered around the observance and praise of the great father and coach jim fisher known as jimbo the almighty to the faithful the main tenets of the church are built around the promises of redemption and entrance into their paradise which they call the bowl of roses the jimboites are taught that through determination and screaming in the face of demons dressed in black and white they can defeat the crimson tide of sin and conquer the evils of lucifers servant utopia (lsu) a place considered to be their version of the judeo-christian hell worshiper and sophomore agricultural economics major philip nevis spoke to the mugdown about his decision to join the church ive tried other churches but i just didnt feel like i was getting the most that i could out of them i mean my last one wasnt bad but for everything i was putting into it i still consistently rated my experience as an eight out of thirteen even when they had a $485 million renovation of their sanctuary it was just more of the same i really feel like ive found a faith i can grow in with the church of jimbo there are some skeptics of the new church drawing parallels to the tent revivals for the assembly of johnny while this church was able to revitalize religious life in texas a&m it has since fallen out of popularity and is currently believed to be attempting to find new converts in canada further concern lies in the fear that this church could fall to scandal like the congress of sumerlin did when it relieved three head pastors in a single a year and when rumors arose of gross mismanagement during missionary efforts in california director of college ministries katie lyons spoke on the mission of the church i could tell you about our doctrine and theology but the best way to understand our church is through the words of the coachs prayer that we recite together every service our jimbo who art in kyle redass be thy name by bowl games come thy plays be done away as they are at home give us this day our daily scores and forgive us our flags as we forgive those who flag against us and lead us not into fourth downs but deliver us from touchbacks for thine is the stadium and the sponsorships and the glory forever amen the church of jimbo is expected to be a strong contender for students and locals on sunday mornings competing against other college station churches brunch and sleeping off a hangover space cadet
as the corps of cadets pushes on through the 2018-2019 academic year it has undergone many idealistic changes that have trickled down through the cadet body the commandant general joe ramirez ‘79 has called these changes a mindset overload attempting to emphasize the professional development of the corps rather than the military aspect these changes have caused the first lady of aggieland reveille ix to quit the corps citing that old army is officially dead general ramirez proposed mindset overload during the 2017-2018 academic year because despite strong recruitment the corps of cadets has experienced poor retention rates over the past five years to combat this the mindset change was implemented during this fall semester as of the month of october the change has resulted in the corps having a 50% retention rate the lowest since 1942 when many members dropped out to serve in world war ii the mindset overload is an innovative idea created through the collaboration of current and past staff the corps of cadets will cease to exist if we do not maintain a retention rate of at least 95% weve gotta keep donors happy and ive got to keep president young happy the only way to maintain 100% retention is to change our initial mission and allow all cadets even those lacking leadership credentials to succeed said general joe ramirez the first lady of aggieland claims these changes pushed her over the edge causing her to quit the organization altogether whats the point in being a part of something that offers no challenge my predecessor reveille viii used to tell me these old army stories about how hard the mascot company [e-2] was and i couldnt wait to be a part of that then i joined this new ‘corps and the only challenge that i faced is waking up every day to the same mundane routine said reveille ix translated by her handler mia miller ‘21 reveille isnt sure what organization she will join next but her decision to part with the corps is final she turned in her papers to quit last tuesday and has already moved her belongings into moses hall there are reports that she attended a triathlon team practice yesterday citing that it will have the mental and physical challenges that she seeks buffalo wild wags
the phantom of general james earl rudder officially endorsed representative beto orourke for senate following the congressmans on-campus rally more than a week ago rudder has not commented on politics since texas a&m universitys first student body president drama in 1972 this silence led to speculation that rudder had become lax on his civic duties however recent comments by sen ted cruz r-tx made the 2018 midterm a priority for rudder for decades fish camp impact and t-camp have been using my tower and theater for their events i think over time the ‘dyed hair and ‘tofu kinda grew on me although texas a&m universitys 16th president is no longer legally eligible to vote his endorsement has come as an unwelcome surprise to many i thought that college station was a safe space for exclusively traditional values one aggie mom tweeted a former aggie band commander commented on reddit looks like old army is worse than dead – its in limbo the spirit of the spirit of aggieland said that his political leanings should not come as a surprise after years of living on a college campus i stopped being a conservative democrat of the 1960s and became a liberal democrat of the 21st century the ghosts of the og wags really dig it 一 west campus mirage
in order to raise awareness for their philanthropy the mens millennium society (mms) has adopted a new advertisement technique: carrying jars containing real tumors around campus our organization supports patients in cancer recovery said reid lowe president of mms so this is a fun attention-grabbing way to tell people about our event this weekend! come out to the ‘tumor strike this sunday from 4-7 pm at bee creek park! representatives of the organization state that the tumors which new members are required to carry in sealed hygienic jars are obtained from houston methodist hospitals cancer center additionally the members dress up each individual jar in a personalized costume i think its incredible what these kids are doing we fully support them in their attempts to raise awareness and a lot of their donations come to our research center said doctor gabriella taylor the head of cancer research at houston methodist lowe encourages those interested to attend their event on sunday and promises a free physical to the first 100 people to arrive -tukulele & wehner dog
following the big aggie win at kyle field this past weekend against the kentucky wildcats texas a&m students have a newfound faith in coach jimbo fisher and the fightin texas aggie football team the game 20-14 had students on the edge of their seats aggies all over the country have been raving about the offense hoping for a continued winning streak at one tailgate after the game larry blaze ‘07 convinced everyone that the aggies were going to go all the way to the national championship look theres one thing i know and that is that the aggies are gonna win it all! natty champs here we come! i had faith in jimbo all along how can the guy who led florida state to a title do any wrong said blaze while standing on top of two yeti coolers blaze continued to rile up the crowd at the tailgate getting attendees to chant natty champs 2k18 and we want bama the event turned into a mob with aggie fans pouring in from other tailgates at one point blaze even took out a speaker and proceeded to speak to the gathering through the connected mic freshman ryan deal had wandered up to the tailgate after her first football game astounded by what she was witnessing i can see it all now a&m versus central florida the two underdogs of the year texas a&m overcame the sumlin debacle and ucf continues to prove critics wrong leading to two of the greatest football programs ever seen said deal this guy seriously knows what hes talking about after about two hours of blaze leading the crowd the number of aggies had climbed to about three-hundred pushing the e-z up tent to its limit policemen patrolling on golf carts decided to step in to disperse the individuals and ended up issuing a public intoxication charge to blaze buffalo wild wags
shockwaves were sent through texas a&ms greek community on monday after fraternity eta alpha zeta was put under investigation for hazing the allegations began following the fraternitys annual stab pledges repeatedly night the ceremony where freshman are held down and stabbed with anything from sewing needles to broadswords is held annually to initiate pledges into the fraternity eta alpha zeta vice president and senior physics major tanner richardson made an official statement defending the ceremony on tuesday morning this tradition is the cornerstone of a pledge classs brotherhood and unity i remember my stab pledges repeatedly night yes it was difficult to have five inches of cold steel plunged into my stomach causing me so much pain that my only hope was for deaths sweet merciful embrace today however it is one of my fondest memories with my pledge brothers legal representatives of eta alpha zeta have contested that the tradition is not dangerous for their pledges as it was standard practice to close any gash with a sewing kit or office stapler soon after it was created the fraternity also argued that the tradition is entirely optional and that all pledges volunteer to be held down and stabbed while their screams are muffled all pledges have declined to comment on the validity of these claims sophomore political science major and eta alpha zeta member charles millwood spoke to the mugdown about his experiences with the ceremony it was without a doubt the moment that changed me from a boy to a man and i knew from then on that i was an eta alpha zeta when i see that jagged scar on my body just like my fathers and his fathers i feel a sense of brotherhood that flows through generations i felt truly honored to give that same experience to my pledges this year when i plunged a steak knife into their torsos critics of the investigation claim that the administration is being hypocritical by allowing members of the corps of cadets to yell and force physical exercise while also condemning fraternity members for plunging hot sharpened pieces of metal into their pledges for entertainment at this time the student conduct office is waiting for more evidence or for eta alpha zeta alumni to cease donations before it progresses with the investigation space cadet
as students begin to accept that the fall semester is indeed in full swing the aggie schedule is moving at full speed on tuesday night aggies once again will gather in academic plaza to honor those students who have passed away through the sacred and somber tradition of silver taps for some silver taps is a special time to demonstrate the unity and support of the student body for fellow members of the aggie family for others silver taps is something you do with your flo or camp once or twice it is widely agreed that attending one is sufficient and if youve been to one youve been to them all others who claim to see the importance of the event but still do not attend are able to come up with a myriad of excuses for missing the sacred ceremony many students find themselves unmotivated to stand in the humidity for forty-five minutes on a tuesday night who can blame anyone for having tired legs after standing up for a straight 7 hours of banner holding by the msc organizational pr is after all a much easier and more convenient way to express your support for texas a&m compared to silver taps other examples for staying home instead of going to silver taps have much stronger bases i just have a lot to study thats all first round of exams start tomorrow and im already way behind dedicated students say these are often the same diligent students found spending uninterrupted hours scrolling through instagram or streaming american vandal while in the library on tuesday afternoons its just too late by the time silver taps rolls around im too tired to make my way to campus and stand around for an hour in the middle of the night the over involved explain this is the typical answer of a student who at least weekly has no problem running two miles at midnight after their committee meeting gets out especially late some have blamed the twenty-one gun salute for being too loud or too jarring others have claimed the ceremony is boring what am i supposed to even think about while all thats happening the precious fragility of life the love unity and sorrow that we as members of the same student body should show each other in such a gentle time for mourning no thanks thats too much for me cant stay focused for that long it is true that being there for your fellow students and the families of those grieving the loss of a young aggie means facing the staggering discomfort of standing in the humidity for less than an hour once every month but–as difficult as that may be–isnt it worth it -bacon & ags october silver taps will honor mr thomas pierce followwill and mr joseph william little 10:30pm in academic plaza
a recent plague has struck aggieland at an alarming rate following the aggies loss to clemson many students have been noticing an outbreak of sports pass for sale disease commonly known as spfsd while cases are to be expected when approaching the end of october this years strain has become viral as early as september beutal health center has released a message providing students with prevention methods in order to avoid catching spfsd student health services texas a&m university ap beutel health center shstamuedu for immediate release: beutel health clinic 12:44 pm it has come to our attention that spfsd has become active sooner than usual this year all students are urged to avoid the use of the following: tamu sports passes for sale tamu sports passes (buy sell trade) pols 207 groupme from 2016 texas a&m free and for sale we thank you for your cooperation if you experience any symptoms of spfsd see a health professional immediately student health services provides this medical warning note in accordance with student rule 7 attendance those who are already infected with spfsd are encouraged to skip class aggie honor code an aggie does elaborate collaborate and borrow the texas a&m athletic department has already committed $75 million dollars towards research in hopes of finding a cure for spfsd if you would like to join the cause and help put an end to spfsd call 979-mugdown today longboard of regents
after starting the season 2-2 the aggies are in a difficult place their two losses are to the best two teams in the nation however in reality no team has gone to the college football playoffs (cfp) with two losses students are expressing disdain for both referees and players coach jimbo fishers cult of personality is wavering seasoned texags posters are fearful that theyll pass away before seeing a cfp appearance despite the tension the ags are not finished yet although their schedule through november has challenges only a few conditions need to be met for the aggies to reach the cfp the aggies must win out while aggies have the two best losses any team is going to get this season a third would eliminate them from cfp contention entirely this is no easy feat with mississippi state auburn and lsu still on the schedule cfp rankings have to give a&m respect being ranked in the top four by the cfp board may be the easiest feat to achieve the aggies have been in the cfp picture as recently as 2016 when we were given the final spot after starting the season 7-1 finishing 8-0 could grant the aggies enough favor to be ranked #4 or higher at the end of the season note: the cfp playoffs are decided by neither the ap or coaches poll voters kellen mond needs to play even better kellen mond has been one of the best quarterbacks in the sec this season his rushing improves every game and hes got superb field vision hes throwing 255 yards per game and has a completion percentage of 59% but what if he were throwing 2550 yards per game and had a completion percentage of 95% if kellen mond can average those numbers for the rest of the season a&m will not only win out but mond would also take every qb record in the book and likely win the heisman trophy the clemson d-line must get stuck on a spelunking trip the clemson d-line needs to become stranded in a cavethis is a must clemson donors will immediately start to throw money into saving the four projected first-rounders the response will be delayed as the billionaire philanthropist elon musk designs a new cave submarine big enough to transport players like 64 340-pound dexter lawrence through the rock tunnel missing one of the greatest defensive lines in ncaa history clemson would be crippled against rushing and likely fall out of contention the entire georgia team has to watch will smiths concussion the film about dr bennet omalus fight to publicize research on chronic traumatic encephalopathy (cte) will frighten dawgs players into quitting football with georgia poised to make another playoff run losing their entire team would be a devastating blow and open up another spot in the cfp tua tagovailoa must become a devout jew this alabama quarterback and heisman hopeful is arguably the best qb in college football this year he is expected to start every game for the tide an expectation which would not be met if he began to observe shabbat or sabbath every saturday this would completely remove him from any daytime games night games would also be a challenge as he could only play after three stars are visible in the sky this bama team may be deeper than the pockets of the 12th man foundation but missing their pious quarterback would still be a significant blow ou has to beat tu 112-0 stop finding joy in football and quit despite their recent anomaly victory over tcu football at texas university is a dying industry its entirely feasible for ou to score 16 touchdowns on the t-sips and decide there is no joy left in the game qb kyler murray has done something similar before so it wont be hard for him to show the rest of the sooners how to quit on their team before the season ends ohio states band needs to play a 90 minute show famous for their marching performances the ohio state universitys band could choose to close halftime with a 90-minute marathon performance that culminates in their world-renowned script ohio routine if the sousaphone responsible for dotting the i hasnt passed out from exhaustion its bound to be a great ending the buckeye football team would be forced to forfeit the game to make room for the show if done against one of their weaker opponents like maryland osu could lose a winnable game and fall out of the playoff picture entirely as long as the team plays hard on the field the aggies have a real shot of going to the playoffs this season fans its time for you to step up turn kyle field into the hate barn it was back when that term was coined in 2011 cheer loud send a copy of the torah to tuscaloosa fans in the athens area you can offer to host a will smith movie night for the dawgs finally remember that being the 12th man is about more than standing at football games its about doing everything you can to bring victory to texas a&m 12th man card
dear class of 2022 ive been watching youall of you you think youre so cool dont you casually walking around with your smiling faces and overstuffed backpacks and swinging lanyards i see you grin when the adoring crowd thrusts flyers in your hand and calls out class of 2022 22 22 as you pass by tell me how does it feel to be pursued how does it feel to be wanted no wait dont tell me i already know you see i was like you oncefull of hopes and dreams and ideas for my flo applications it all seems so long ago now but a little over a year ago howdy week was running in full-force for me those flyers were being passed out for me those informationals were being held for me i gobbled up all the attention like it was my daily slice of greasy msc pizza what did i get for all those interviews short answer questions and free résumé workshops nothing nada zip a bunch of rejection emails thanking me for my interest and time as if there were any other uses of my time than going to another ‘casual interview so the officers could ‘really get to know me! even my ‘new best friends seemed to mysteriously lose my number once the notifications went out its ok im past that now besides my fish camp dg mom said rejection is part of the college experience well at least i imagine thats what she would say i havent seen her since october of last year im getting off track i wanted to remind the class of ‘22 to cherish these days while they last because come fall 2019 youll be just like meanother washed-up sophomore who nobody cares about anymore that weird girl in your biology class wont even invite you to her churchs bible study ask not for whom the bell tolls it tolls for thee sincerely yours the class of ‘21 heldenfalls
early friday morning in a blatant attempt to upstage fellow classmates and boast about his sufficient academic comprehension freshman engineering major thomas whittleton attended his math 152 lecture in blocker whittleton was seen taking notes and witnesses say at one point he raised his hand to answer a question an action that was met with glares and mumbled profanities from surrounding sophomores freshmen are literally the worst everything they do just sucks so much said sophomore engineering transfer lydia gutierrez when asked to comment on whittletons disturbing actions in class when i was a freshman i never acted the way they do now i even saw him introducing himself to the professor after classi mean who does that whittleton was later spotted at sbisa dining hall during lunch paying with a meal trade his parents bought him the act was seen as very insensitive to those around him who claimed that whittleton was tastelessly flaunting his wealth in the face of anyone who looked in his direction he was then overheard conversing about the difficulty of his physics class insinuating that his workload was comparable to that of an upperclassman; this flagrant contempt for emotion elicited a jarring and upsetting reaction from witnesses the same afternoon whittleton walked across campus to the msc completely oblivious to social norms practiced by the rest of the student body; he wore a lanyard around his neck and said howdy to everyone he passed senior cadet billy redman was among those who endured the distasteful greeting who does that stupid freshman think he is acting like hes better than everyone else seriously its like he thinks hes the most redass student of all time or something said redman this reaction was similar among all of those who passed whittleton that day according to our sources after cooking some ramen for dinner in his dorm room that same evening whittleton uploaded an image of the meal online with the caption so college the post has since been removed due to multiple reports as spam university officials are currently investigating the campus-wide disturbance and are committed to keeping the student body safe from freshmen like whittleton mission trippin
in the greatest exposé in news reporting of the last century the mugdown scored an exclusive interview with texas a&m president michael k young in which he expresses his first-ever opinion fully and completely unencumbered by the board of regents chancellor john sharp and major donors president young said that the time to give an unfettered opinion is long overdue i have been at texas a&m for a good while now and i think the time has come for me to break out from underneath the oppressive thumbs of interest groups and speak my mind for once said young i have had a long and illustrious career of success and ingenuity and i feel like it is finally time for my voice to be heard young cited politics and an intense pressure to keep donors happy as an incentive for playing the puppet for so long when people give millions of dollars to this school they expect you to cater to their every whim and play the fool said young you have to entertain this person take this person to dinner and even go to the football games my god its like my own specially tailored prison! despite the possibility of backlash young said the potential benefits far outweigh the costs i know that we might lose some people and i know that ill probably earn some facebook rant from tony buzbee but he can shove it right back up in his tank said young if those fools only understood what im trying to do here how im trying to bring texas a&m into the future then they wouldnt complain! in his first official opinion ever president young took a step into one of the murkiest debates in all of aggieland: the raging debate of canes versus laynes i just think that canes is better said young that might be new army of me but the sauce is smoother the chicken crispier and the fries saliter it has everything you could want from a fried chicken joint it really does though he knows many will disagree with him president young is confident a&m will pull through stronger than ever i know students will come knocking at my door the way they did when rudder integrated a&m said young however i am prepared for it and welcome it because this dialogue will help unite this campus like never before fish daddy
while thanking god for his plans for her to work at local engineering company seltzion senior engineering major lauren buckner accepted that she would die in this town buckner came to texas a&m with dreams of working in houston or somewhere abroad after failing classes and never having an internship she has lowered her expectations to spending sixty more years in college station buckner reassured family that she isnt jealous of her friends moving to houston dallas or other large cities across the country she feels blessed that she can stay in a town where her undergraduate friends are where she already rents an apartment and where she can be comfortably buried in the late 21st century buckner plans to spend the first two years of post-grad spending time with her younger friends and trying to enjoy college station without being in student organizations her friends graduations and departures will leave a gap in her life which she expects to fill with a man whose expectations have been equally lowered honestly it would be amazing to marry another aggie buckner said i would be so excited for us to fill a house with our little giglets buckner says she still looks wistfully at apartments in berlin and new york though she knows those will always only be dreams buckner is optimistic about college station specifically the lower cost of living faster commute times and being able to rent her driveway for $40 a car on game days 12th man card
early wednesday morning students in the texas a&m department of biology were shocked to learn that their professor was not in fact an artist doctor albrand phd began the lecture with a general overview of chapter four of exploring human biology the incident occurred shortly after when dr albrand reportedly drew a cross-section of a human blood cell on the blackboard after drawing an uneven circle albrand turned to the class and stated now im not an artist so bear with me while i draw this i was confused to say the least said junior biomedical sciences major anna weaver surely in all of his time at school he wouldve taken a few art classes isnt that how that works other students expressed similar sentiments he mentioned in the first five minutes how many years he spent in grad school to get to where he is now said senior carson lou he might as well have stopped by art school on the way if he really wanted to be a good prof albrand refused to comment insisting that any questions should be asked during office hours monday thursday and friday from 1 pm to 4 pm -tukelele
dwight look college of engineering has traded industrial distribution (id) to mays business school in exchange for multiple small assets rumors began to swirl this morning about a possible blockbuster deal between the two colleges but details did not emerge until moments before a press conference announcing the trade eli jones the dean of mays business school spoke of his newest acquisition industrial distribution is a major addition for us and advances our mission to provide the highest quality education to our students jones said they are essentially the smarter version of supply chain management and are known to be the only people in the engineering college with social skills once they start using west campus library as their library of choice and transition their complaints about math 152 to mgmt 211 they should fit nicely into our culture this trade brings an end to the months-long drama involving the id department since requesting a trade back in august citing post traumatic stress disorder from repeatedly being called pretendgineers as the principal reason for the demand luke faber a senior member of the professional association of industrial distribution (paid) said he was overjoyed when he heard about the move i have been waiting my entire college career for this day! said faber although i must say i have no idea how future id majors will get sales jobs without knowing how to take an integral using the substitution rule or understanding how far a projectile will fly he said before bursting out in laughter with his surrounding id friends but if there is one thing i am going to miss about dwight it is constantly being able to remind my real engineering friends that i am an engineer like them despite having about two hours of homework each week while those within the industrial distribution department were ecstatic about the trade this sentiment was not shared by everyone across campus this is absolutely devastating to the future of my college career said freshman general engineer anna coffman i thought everyone agreed that the only reason the id department existed was for engineers who wanted to transfer to mays but didnt have good enough grades to get in now that id is no longer an option for me ill have no other choice but to take my 23 gpa to university studies-business the college of liberal arts was also interested in acquiring industrial distribution seeing ids 100% job placement rate as an improvement over their slightly lower percentage however dwight look was ultimately wooed over by mayss better offer that included a few spots on the mays study abroad trips a couple guaranteed memberships in business fellows and a respect similar to that of the combination of both a high school quarterback and the nerd he convinces to do his homework for him christian bubble butt
freshman biology major kenna howard is still reeling in anger after being mistaken for an upperclassman this past tuesday while passing the freshman leadership organization (flo) banners donning her class of 2022 shirt from fish camp she walked over to the flo banners hoping a counselor would jump on her immediately to ask her about her major and where shes from and tell her about the unique service and friendship opportunities provided by that specific flo to her immense shock nobody approached her after waiting for a group of sophomores who were in the flo last year to walk away from the banner she finally got to talk to one of this years counselors she said ‘sorry i thought you were a junior howard said recalling the encounter i didnt know what to do howard said did they think i had on an aggie ring or maybe another organizations shirt did i already look like i belonged on campus or something ive gone to such great lengths to make it so clear that im a freshman and yet i still cant seem to get the attention of banner holders in the future howard plans to purchase and wear as many class of 2022 shirts as possible wear tennis shoes to class and flash the absence of an aggie ring on her finger whenever a flo recruiter looks in her direction ring chunks
biomedical sciences student and eventual internationally renowned neuroscientist pratik anand created a scene near the south entrance of reed arena last weekend after consuming excessive amounts of alcohol and passing out at a friends tailgate anand who would be admitted into the johns hopkins school of medicine in two years from this date woke up saturday at 6 am to pre-game for the 6 pm kickoff quickly downing two beers with his roommates he began a day he would not remember until many years later when the advanced memory retrieval techniques that he himself pioneered became commonplace after finding a parking spot designated for several different businesses thus making his car immune from being towed by any of them anand and his friends began the trek to their tailgate with flasks in hand passing through the crowds near the msc anand quickly took a shot of fireball surrounded by hundreds of people whose lifespans would be vastly increased by the results of his research as the morning continued and the liquor flowed anands normally soft-spoken manner became louder and his movements less steady after interrupting a conversation with an acquaintance to interject a bizarre and incoherent political rant the man who would eventually be known as humanitys greatest benefactor staggered to the nearest trash can to vomit anand loudly proclaimed to all who were interested (and many more who were not) that he was fine before promptly passing out with his head resting inside the trash can onlookers managed to lift anand out of the trashcan meanwhile several of his friends left their tailgate to take him to the hospital where he remained unconscious until early sunday morning historians would later write that the events of this day are what motivated anands research which would successfully disable the brains addiction centers –big brother jed
after failing general chemistry ii (chem 102) this summer sophomore biology major zane caldwell has claimed earning a d as a moral victory caldwell met with the mugdown earlier this week with the hope of influencing his peers to also be optimistic in times of loss even though it will affect my gpa i am happy with how chemistry went i wasnt expecting to do well in the first place but after getting this close i know that this fall will be completely different i already know how to study i just need to do it caldwell enrolled in chem 102 this past summer term at texas a&m living in college station he had access to the evans library as well as other on-campus study options although these were made available to him caldwell insisted that he understood the material well enough to review it at home zane caldwell also mentioned that this recent failure has conditioned him well enough for any other classes he has to take before graduation as a biology student he will have to take organic chemistry and microbiology in addition to taking general chemistry once more when asked about enrolling in the class again caldwell said i know that when i take chemistry again i am going to pass the class no problem if i was this close the first time i got it despite completing every homework assignment within fifteen minutes of its due date caldwell earned a sixty-eight in the class having missed the passing mark by only two points at first i was upset that i underperformed in the class but after thinking about the bright future that lay ahead i was excited for my coming semesters as a student he said caldwell included that since failing chem 102 this summer he has made no adjustments to his sleep schedule eating habits workout routine or note taking methods in the hope of maintaining consistent performance during the fall semester left on redass
as a member of the association of former students a century club donor and loud and proud member of company e-3 ‘83 i feel that my opinion matters now im not one to cause a ruckus but there is something seriously wacky going on in college station right now i recently saw a picture on my facebook feed of the rising leaders of aggieland and if im not mistaken they were a bunch of wags i am appalled to say the least dont get me wrong there is a specific place for women in the social circles of college theyre fantastic note takers and excel in the cult of domesticity but i hate my university becoming so complacent in allowing females to hold every single leadership position on campus i was most shocked about parsons mounted cavalry a boys club from the start having a wag commander as a former cav jock i dont think i can ever view the organization the same way again the reason for my alarm is rooted in good ol biology women have a certain time of the month when they get a little pissed off (you know what im referring to) now i think of myself as an optimist however when women are in close quarters as the new leaders of texas a&m undoubtedly will be they start to sync those monthly cycles its simple biology! what happens when every single campus leader is pissed off at the same time anarchy! in my humble opinion the only female we really need in leadership is the first lady of aggieland ms reveille (shes a neutered dog so the cycle thing isnt an issue) women obviously deserve a place on campus but the implications of having them in every major leadership position are risky mark my words aggieland when those cycles sync up the university will fall to pieces buffalo wild wags
san antonio texas on monday sophomore biomedical sciences major elizabeth rogers made her first post regarding her study abroad at san antonio college (sac) as is common among students who study abroad rogers created an account specifically for her trip rogers described her experience in the rolling expanse of the 57th most diverse city in america as breathtaking i feel so culturally aware now said rogers this trip has really impacted my view of the world while many have been supportive some friends of rogers feel caught off-guard when compared to her original account rogers appears to be an entirely different person the original account is defined by trips to foundation lounge and fraternity parties while the study abroad account consists of historical landmarks and churches members of the rogers family have created instagram accounts to follow along with her experience i am just so happy that our baby girl is getting to see the world so close to home said joyce rogers rogers mother academically rogers is taking a country music class for her creative arts requirement and has even related what she is learning to her out-of-class experiences one post shows a candid picture of rogers margarita in hand walking along the river walk with the caption just taking a ‘san antonio stroll to follow along with rogers journey follow (@aggiegirly_feelin_spursy) on instagram the mugdown staff
really exciting very extroverted individuals laughing and loving everything sensationally or reveilles is a brand new womens organization recruiting for the first time at a&m this fall! their president lydia burton explains why this organization is different from every other all-female group on campus what i love about our organization is that its going to expand nationwide the largest advantage greek life has over womens organizations is the fact that sororities are nationally recognized but reveilles is here to change that by 2020 we should have expanded across the nation having alabama reveilles and even expanding to ut burton explains general member maya patrick gives us her take on why this new womens organization is so special were going to buy a house for all of our members to live in to increase unity sororities usually only allow girls to live in their housing for a single year but we think having the option to live under the same roof for up to four years will really boost harmony among us burton also openly explained how theyre going to make hazing their members publicly known we are proud to announce that our new ladies will get to drive all current officers to and from school what better way to get to know your sisters than to complain about our education first thing in the morning as sorority recruitment comes to an end womens organizations are beginning their recruitment to pick up the girls who didnt quite make it through the madness of howdy week be on the lookout for new organizations that are offering different alternatives for the same issue we all have–making friends -wehner dog
the newest addition to the texas a&m dating and safety scene was announced monday with confirmation that the cadet escort escort service (cees) will launch at the beginning of the fall 2018 semester the program is planned to run parallel with the cadet escort service and provide single cadets to any boot chaser wanting a date to walk them home after dark or on weekends paul samson junior communications major a cadet in squadron 7 and designer of the program spoke briefly at the announcement ceremony this is truly a step forward for the corps and the campus at large no longer will single freshman girls have to waste their time with awkward male fish who cant string a sentence together when talking to them samson said the project was greenlit following a trial run during the week before the phi alpha omega and beta delta beta formals where the number of cadets in instagram posts more than tripled and complaints of cadets awkwardly staring were cut by half compared to last years formals cees will provide a number of options for any budget that can be added to a base model cadet premiums such as senior boots max physical fitness scores and an out of regulation haircut can be purchased for those who so desire for budget-minded consumers the at least hes in khaki package is available complete with a first-semester fish haircut and inability to talk about anything other than the corps for a monthly fee bootchasers can join cadet escort escort platinum to gain premium perks these perks include summer and winter break usage guaranteed first deck football tickets in the corps block and access to the commanding officer line of cadets this line includes selections such as reserved/very sexy (rvs) and particularly masculine cadets (pmc) corps operations officer and senior mechanical engineering major kyle baker gave an official statement from the corps of cadets regarding cees cadet key leaders give their full support to the new program every time a sorority member has to sit through a 5 minute conversation with a socially awkward cadet irreparable damage is done to the image of the corps of cadets and the ability for male cadets to find a date said baker the cadet escort escort service plans to open to the public at the beginning of howdy week this fall plans for an exclusively female cees called women of aggieland guardian service (wags) is projected to be available by spring 2019 space cadet
recently a group of students taking an introductory psychology class has started to wonder if the class attendance policy was put in place to boost the professors self-confidence after realizing the class tests could be easily passed by studying a quizlet flashcard set the students began to question if they were appeasing a power-trip of the professor by adhering to the attendance policy if the lesson was actually useful i would to go to class its not like im ever going to need to know this stuff again said sandra hendrickson a freshman marketing major who will need to know this stuff again another student claimed that the class is all common sense but retracted the statement after failing the second test contrary to the theory spread amongst students about his need for approval the classs professor does not care if the students go to class studies show time and time again that class attendance increases long-term learning said professor thaler i am just trying to nudge students into going to class and earning a few additional points despite claims made by thaler many of the students still believe the esteemed professor is an attention-seeking loser 12th man bowels
two weeks was the greatest test of strength and bravery any girl at texas a&m could face: sorority recruitment it was a constant battle between sweat and makeup humidity and hairspray and most importantly: potential new members (pnms) and the world newly pledged kappa omega janet landers was excited about recruitment when my sisters were clapping and screaming at the door telling us they were ‘red hot they werent lying landers said all of their faces were totally sunburned and every single one of them looked dehydrated! ella daniels a pnm who didnt make it through the week told the mugdown about her experience i just dont understand why any girl with any sense of morality would go through this process daniels said i was told by three deltas that i would not only get a bid but would be iced after! would you like to know the result i got cut! i just dont know how girls can look me in the eye and make a promise and then drop me because i forgot to mention my favorite bar on northgate i am a freshman! the only place i know i can get wine is at st marys on sundays! fortunately all of the sophomores got the bids they wanted newly pledged alpha zeta michelle jacobson confirmedthere were only eighty sophomores who went through recruitment jacobsen said so we got to pick everyone has to meet their minimums all that remains of sorority recruitment week are wrappers from hastily-eaten mints and an array of blotch paper strewn across every houses yard while some argue that pnms who made it out alive deserve a medal of a sort pins will have to suffice -wehner dog
beginning august 20th the first day of howdy week the starbucks at the texas a&m university barnes and noble will be expanding its list of acceptable forms of payment while rather unconventional one payment method soon to be valid is human sacrifice these changes announced late last july are being made in response to years of customer requests for methods that better accommodate students currently this starbucks location accepts three payment types: cash credit/debit card and barnes & noble gift cards all of which have been have been declining in usefulness among students in recent years although solutions such as the starbucks app venmo and dining dollars payment methods have been highly requested the cost of implementing such systems is just too high said company spokesperson eric joiner rather than changing with technology the company has decided to take a more traditional approach the acceptance of human sacrifice a highly anticipated change is being heralded as retro and throwback by several students and employees the process will function very similarly to that of the pay it forward trend in which one customer pays for the order that follows their own however rather than benefiting the next person in line this process will benefit the original customer while standing in line after placing an order a customer simply motions to someone behind them and explains that they will be paying at that time the chosen person must provide a standard form of payment or be publicly executed company representatives have not yet released details outlining planned execution methods some students have voiced concerns regarding the new methods implementation i think it will reduce their customer base if we all start killing each other for their coffee said becky smith a freshman business major smith did however see one benefit to this change i guess that means shorter lines for me homewrecking crew
support staff is the backbone of any organization but what happens when the most humble member of the house gets a home of their own by west campus mirage | april 2018 this kitchen is the cleanest one i have ever seen better homes and gardens could barely even dream of the perfection everything is in its exact place organized by color and all looking brand new one feels nervous to even breathe in this sterile room for fear of contaminating it there is a beautiful fragility here the kitchen belongs to the sinclare family an affluent presence in the river oaks community the large plantation-style home sends a message to all those who see it: power resides here indeed elizabeth sinclare wields a formidable amount of authority as the youngest partner at the maddox & lee legal firm she commands every room as if it is a courtroom her courtroom the rumors of an eventual judicial appointment are easy to believe with all the attention that the young law prodigy receives it would be incredibly difficult for the mugdown to book an interview thankfully elizabeth is not the sinclare i am trying to reach thomas sinclare née macon met elizabeth sinclare when they were both sophomores at texas a&m university yes i remember it well sinclare said when i asked about how he met his wife it was my first day on the job and i was so nervous and jumpy i literally ran into her while i was carrying a large stack of plates ceramic and food went everywhere and i was so embarrassed! but then i looked up and saw my lizzie for the first time and both of us were speechless it has been nearly a decade since sinclare last held the title of houseboy at the eta theta zeta sorority house traditionally held by members of a brother organization houseboys are responsible for serving meals cleaning dishes and performing odd-jobs around a sororitys house in sinclares case it was his membership in aggie men embracing nobility (amen) that gave him the advantage needed to land the minimum-wage job it was such an honor to be chosen to be a houseboy i dont know how many other amens applied for the job but im sure the competition was steep! sinclare accepted the position with the utmost reverence imagine the amount of trust that they put in me a crude male to have access to a house full of beautiful women! i had to really hold myself accountable during my time at eta theta as we talked sinclare took me on a tour of his large home he showed me the meticulous decorations that he had arranged in each of the many rooms every room has two notable items in it: an award or trophy from elizabeths career and one of thomas projects since he graduated in 2009 sinclare has had a lot more time to dedicate to his artwork given the national eta theta zeta requirement that houseboys must be full-time students thomas was simply unable to work every night of the week to help lighten the workload paul tinnam was also hired i was able to catch up with paul at his office in fredericksburg tx my job at the eta theta house i barely remember that now it was really just a way to make ends meet tinnam suspects that he was given the job purely because he had a food handling license paul and his wife run a non-profit organization that focuses on feeding impoverished teenagers tinnam says that local sororities have often tried to partner with them for philanthropy events but there has not been a successful pairing yet its kind of funny now that i think about it those eta theta girls had no appreciation for food and not much has changed though the mugdown was unable to get any comment from elizabeth sinclare her husband had more than enough words to share about their relationship she doesnt get to come home often but when she is back its like i never stopped being her houseboy could there be any higher honor than tirelessly waiting on my girl – i mean wife
despite insurmountable odds and immense doubt from her peers sophomore katherine hunt bravely went to her classes today despite logistical hurdles and the allure of aggie football after facing the gauntlet of aggieland traffic our intrepid heroine parked in fan field and rode bus 5 bush school to main campus in compliance with the parking notice she had received earlier this week overcoming the obstacles of campus transportation she arrived at her 3:05 pm class 15 minutes early so she could respond to emails and study her notes from the previous lecture in class our best and brightest miss katherine hunt did not glance at her phone boldly taking notes in pen she began to grasp the concept her professor was lecturing about armed with this new knowledge she stood on the shoulders of giants and asked a question in the middle of class willfully ignoring the tailgating happening just across campus despite her incredible acts of transportation flexibility and superhuman willpower to attend class she doesnt think herself special im not a hero or an inspiration hunt said i just think that were here to learn ring chunks
texas a&m authorities reached a decision on sunday allowing victims of sexual violence to continue their education on campus despite the threat they pose to the universitys image this decision followed definitive rulings finding these individuals to be victims beyond a reasonable doubt it makes me feel safe knowing that a&m will have my back like that if im ever in my time of need said ally harrisen an incoming student who had just finished her first fish camp clear presentation that victims are allowed to be present on campus – as long as they stay quiet and accommodate their rapists – lets me know that were all equally valued i feel assured that a&m is committed to following through with the promises theyve made for my safety here today returning students also voiced their appreciation for the university-mandated training that would help them avoid becoming victims of sexual assault in the future although potential rapists may face no serious consequences from the reporting methods taught in the trainings potential victims were happy to learn six different ways to say no while victims will be allowed to finish their education a&m administration told the mugdown that the process still leaves a lot to be desired we hope to make changes in the future so that students accused and/or convicted of committing sexual violence can continue their education and extracurricular activities with as little disturbance as possible an a&m representative said even though each student is respected and cherished here we have to understand that the reputation of the university takes precedence said chancellor john sharp if victims come out with their stories it affects all of us in the aggie community as much as i would love to consistently stand with victims the false sense of security weve maintained is absolutely paramount this decision to allow victims to finish their degrees despite their inconvenient presence is a testament to the kindness of the university not everyone gets second chances like these when asked about how the university feels concerning the distress caused to survivors of sexual violence on campus sharp said while ferpa says we cant talk about specific cases we do want to say that legally speaking we followed all the rules therefore we did not do anything wrong as an administration i feel weve been very clear that violent behavior is a big no-no we just want the record to show that we tried our best anime sciences ring chunks and the maroon scare
in the past few days students across the country have realized that the impact made by the class of 2018 is already halfway gone many graduates still in college station thought that the other half went home while the newly announced former students who returned to their hometowns assumed the same of their peers it feels like somethingor someonejust snapped them out of existence said nikki fiori a rising junior fiori noted that it was possible that the class of 2018 moved on to their adult careers but seriously doubted it i remember how important their legacy was to them they really wanted to be the guardians of traditions prior to graduation president of the aggie acrobatics club pete park went on record to say i dont feel so good about the direction of this org i remember what it was like when we were just a friendly on-campus athletic club park voiced great concern about how his organization had devolved as younger classes rose to leadership others shared this concern joey haldanada a former impact director noted that the class of 2021 had always seemed eager to get rid of their seniors the entire time i knew them they only ever had one goal to wipe out half of what the senior class had accomplished haldanada said on graduation weekend it appeared that the now-sophomores accomplished their goal with the combined power of the 8 main-campus ceremonies half of old army was obliterated from aggieland and pushed into the real world however half of the team still remains ppa students over-eager graduate students and the useless-but-we-keep-them-as-comic-relief late finishers are still on campus trying desperately to assemble 5th-year engineering student toni strack told the mugdown if we cant save old army then you can be damn well sure we will eventually start an endowment to make people think that we avenged it west campus mirage
the american cancer association announced this morning that texas a&m christian mens organizations are now considered a group one carcinogen christopher hansen president of the american cancer association made the announcement this morning at an official press conference after spending weeks at texas a&m studying tobacco usage it has become clear to us that there is a major smoking epidemic on campus said hansen our studies have shown that coal miners are 35% less likely to develop cancer than men who join a christian mens organization our hope is that by spreading awareness of this crisis we can prevent these lifelong brotherhoods from ruining mens lives smoking rates across the country have been declining for decades thanks to efforts like red ribbon week but within these organizations it remains at levels the general population hasnt seen since the 1960s while images of black lungs and facts about cancer rates prevent most young people from smoking this study shows neither can withstand the pressure of an opportunity for intentional conversation matthew johnson a sophomore in byx shared with the mugdown how he began smoking i went to my first byx rush event as a freshman and got to chatting with senior brock kelly said johnson brock and i went to high school together back at trinity christian academy where he was an absolute legend so when he asked me to hang out afterwards i was stoked and wanted to impress him he offered me a marlboro red and i just couldnt say no one thing led to another and here i am a year and a half later ripping through a pack every other day bca (brotherhood of christian aggies) junior matt pearson echoed johnsons struggle with smoking and expressed disdain for how his organization has been affected by widespread tobacco use smoking has become so widespread in bca that if we removed the exception in our no tobacco policy for cigs at our events we would have to kick out half of our members said pearson the effect on our organization has been heavier than the familiar haze of smoke at our brotherhood eventswhy do you think we made our philanthropy a 5k not all of the men we talked to saw tobacco use amongst these groups as a negative john hurtado a junior in kyx defended his tobacco usage i turn 21 next month and have managed to go my entire college career without drinking underage hurtado said but at the same time how can anyone expect me to survive college without finding some way to get a buzz many men in these organizations claim that the decision was an overreaction alex crafton a recently initiated active in byx also assured us that his smoking habit was not a big deal and that he would quit when he turned 21 christian bubble butt photo courtesy of lindsay fox https://ecigarettereviewedcom/
dear freshman congratulations! you have now almost finished two full semesters of college and are becoming an independent adult there is still one habit however that you can quit in order to save you from future public awkwardness there comes a time in every college students career where they can begin to avoid old acquaintances from back home that time is now take that conversation you had with your old senior class president jared hernandez for example lets be honest you never said a word to him until you ran into him at sbisa during howdy (gig ‘em) week oh my gosh how have you been you said trying your best to seem interested little did you know he did not want to talk either he had actually forgotten your name and spent the following five minutes trying to remember after playing question battleship for what seemed like an eternity you attempted to say goodbye just as he began asking you about what flo you were going to apply for (because duh who doesnt apply for a flo) uh yeah see you later jared quickly said and the embarrassment began to sink in you committed yourself to never make that mistake again but the aggie spirit inside you could not be suppressed time after time this year you subjected yourself to awkward encounters with even worse denouements fear not! your freshman year is coming to a close and with it comes time to reflect and learn from your experiences treat high school acquaintances in the same manner which you treat those who pass out flyers in the msc look straight ahead resisting all urges to see if they have noticed you and you will truly see the light at the end of the awkwardness tunnel continue moving at all costs they may turn to face you or even say your name ignore it remember neither party wants to talk to one another they just have not had the chance to read this letter yet homewrecking crew
last thursday a student was spotted stumbling into the evans library starbucks according to police reports bystanders identified the student as sophomore elliot hammers a known caffeine junkie looking for his next fix hammers appeared to be experiencing withdrawals as characterized by his violent twitching and frequent outbursts those around him reported repeated unsolicited bragging when someone nearby complained about being tired hammers reportedly shouted oh yeah well ive only slept four hours in the last three days im already on my fifth cup of coffee today by the time hammers had reached the front of the line a starbucks employee had already alerted the campus police who moved in to arrest him university police returned hammers to his dorm room where they were shocked at what they discovered officer dale barnes shared the harrowing details jesus this guy has caffeine paraphernalia everywhere in his dorm room barnes said looking around in disgust weve got k-cups hidden under the bed red bull cans everywhere coffee grounds all over the sink my god he even has a french press officer barnes went on to explain that this sort of behavior is becoming increasingly common with college students these punks try to get an edge any way they can said barnes clearly disturbed by what he had seen why cant you junkies just get enough sleep like the rest of your peers instead of gaming the system its so sad to see kids these days turning to drugs to solve their problems interyellar
last thursday on her first night working carpool operations freshman valerie milligan actually thought she was going to drive instead of navigate i thought that since i have insurance and a drivers license i would be exactly as likely to drive as my partner said milligan but i just felt bad since he really really wanted to drive tonight i think he said something about not having a womans talent for multitasking carpool is a student organization at texas a&m dedicated to providing safe free nonjudgmental rides to anyone in the bryan-college station area each car is staffed by two volunteers one male and one female and the jobs of navigator and driver are divided between them volunteers regularly report their excitement to be the first point of human contact for their partner who often appears to have never interacted with another person the driver talks to patrons and focuses on the road while the navigator writes a short paragraph during every ride takes song requests uses the gps to give directions and fills out receipts in addition to making conversation with the patrons women are actually better evolved for tasks like navigating said jacob barnes a junior in carpool they were gatherers back in the caveman days so their eyes are better suited for writing in the dark sometimes staring at the lime-green paper makes my tummy hurt but it doesnt affect women as much since theyre adapted to handle morning sickness i just think men are better drivers said one carpool patron who chose to remain anonymous i dont have to be politically correct since im drunk i dont mind always being the navigator said carpool sophomore hannah kilgore at first i was kind of upset because i love to drive but now i really do see that we couldnt operate without women taking all of the responsibility for rides men and women naturally have totally different strengths but were definitely equals being given so much responsibility just shows that the future is female! mugdown staff
ring dunking is a popular albeit unofficial tradition involving students dropping their newly-awarded aggie ring into a pitcher of beer and competing for who can can finish it off the fastest over the years various strategies have been developed to gain a competitive edge: light beers are the typical choice for ring dunks and are usually left out to become flat and room-temperature assisting the dunker in the consumption of 60-ounces of beer junior greg vaughn however chose to use his dunk to show his appreciation of finer beers instead of coors or keystone vaughn chose to dunk in kings pale a microbrew from boulder colorado its a double ipa 96% abv that combines carapils roasted caramel citrus and cascade hops vaughn told several attendees unprompted as soon as vaughns former flo asked if he wanted to dunk with them he began to search for a beer to showcase both his knowledge and developed palate a dunk is the biggest beer drinking moment of your life vaughn said ill never have 200 people looking at me and what im drinking again so this beer had to be really special vaughn eventually chose kings pale because of the name color and obscurity dunk attendees were not impressed reports indicate that vaughn finished last by three and a half minutes late enough that most guests had already left to attend dunks starting the next hour all my other friends were drinking garbage; of course they finished faster vaughn said plus i kept stopping to savor the hoppy aftertaste it wasnt as good flat and room temperature but this beer cost me $8 a can i had to get as much out of it as possible reports indicate that vaughn did not attend other dunks but instead walked home to workshop poems for the following nights mic check 12th man card
last thursday at a fully-catered lunch panel on the future of the bush school dean mark welsh announced that the bush school of government and public service will soon surpass mays school of business in preppiness i fully expect that this school will overtake the business school within the year if not much sooner dean welsh said welsh a retired four-star air force general explained that although prep is hard to measure empirically people will notice nonetheless for example my students wear business professional any time they set foot in the building welsh said mays students might be training to become professionals but they rarely look like it he explained that the consistent stream of high-profile visitors was the reason bush school students dress so extravagantly on a daily basis regardless of whether or not a guest was scheduled that day the announcement comes at a time of transition for the allen building the physical home of the bushies as bush school students call themselves next fall the economics department will no longer be allowed in the allen building with the political science department close behind this will be a huge improvement to our school community said colin oake a second-year graduate student we were always held back by the presence of undergraduates now we have access to all of the space to which we are entitled aside from purging the allen building of undergrads bushies take pride in their attention to public service rather than personal gain my classes are filled with people who would rather take a low-paying job and give back to their country than work in retail oake said although we pretty much always land jobs that compensate us nicely first-year graduate student lori inlow emphasized the bush schools clout with other preppy schools every year we challenge the lbj school at tu to a softball game not only does this demonstrate that we are the only school redass enough to keep that rivalry alive but it also gives us an opportunity to network with other elite students inlow argued that this association boosts the preppiness of the bush school significantly when asked if this announcement indicated the birth of a competition between texas a&ms government and business schools dean welsh shut down the idea you think that eli jones will ever rival me that nerd has spent all of his life working for renowned research schools he could never challenge a prestigious government school led by yours truly how hard is it to teach business to a few thousand frat guys anyways ⎻ west campus mirage photo courtesy of sterlin shaffer18 memorial student center
aggies supporting sustainability a student club focused on saving the environment advertised for their spring program at texas a&m on wednesday the event features a guest lecturer norman green who will give a talk entitled simple ways for organizations to reduce waste while manning their posts in the main hall of the msc members of aggies supporting sustainability have been extremely successful at getting fliers into the hands of passing students our goal is to get the word out to everyone about this wonderful upcoming event said club president al moore there is no other way to do it we must get a flier in the hands of every single person that passes a few passers-by have felt violated by the clubs efforts some students reported being physically grabbed to make sure they got a flier while others reported having fliers stuffed into backpacks this dude grabbed me and said i needed to go to his event said sophomore reid johnson i said i was busy that night and then the guy flipped me off when i threw the flier away even after annoying many students attempting to get lunch moore decided that the crew needed to double its efforts we are trying to save the world it is not my problem if some people are going to whine about how we do it said moore as of now only three non-club members have rsvpd to go to to the lecture 12th man bowels
student jonathan waters faces exile from the agriculture and life sciences tribe following an investigation which outed waters as a city slicker despite his best efforts to adopt the tribes customs it did not take long for waters true identity to be revealed beginning a career in the school of agriculture and life sciences was challenging for waters in an attempt to blend in waters wore camo crocs and borrowed his roommates bright pastel fishing shirts he read online agriculture news sources to pick up on common lingo used in the ag community and even tried to rush the popular mens agricultural fraternity alpha gamma rho (agr) i wish i could say i chose ag economics because i was genuinely interested in it in reality i knew i could never pass chem 101 waters said i grew up in the woodlands and had no idea everyone here had been involved in 4h or ffa how was i supposed to tell them i didnt have a collection of trucker hats waters true identity was kept secret until other students noticed his backpack lacked a cattle ear tag keychain which was enough to raise eyebrows randy dallas an elder in the agricultural tribe was open with his suspicion of waters ag knowledge one time i asked him to recite the first line of the ffa creed dallas said his lips started to quiver and in that moment i knew he was a phony i should have known when he didnt have a belt buckle or thick stitched jeans that a city slicker had infiltrated our ranks after short deliberation elders of the agricultural tribe announced that the exile is effective immediately and includes several restrictions on waters remaining time in the program though waters is able to finish his degree he is subject to silence from his peers and faces exclusion from alpha gamma rho and any other ag-related social circles when asked by the mugdown about where he would go from here waters explained that he is not the only one in exile waters now resides with a tribe of outcasts consisting of the entire recreational parks and tourism sciences program as well as several nutrition and food science majors interyellar and mad chaco
by that friend from high school hey its justin dillons! hows it going oh youre busy i know how that goes; before i found my current job it seemed like the more i was working the less i was making go figure! i know we havent talked in two or three years time sure flies doesnt it hard to believe high school was that long ago anyway i wanted to reach out because ive been thinking about you recently youve always been driven so you were the first person to come to mind when i found this amazing job opportunity that pays unbelievably well and requires almost no time or effort! its crazy that people dont realize that you could be making a seven-figure income in a matter of weeks with the company that i work for! what company is that doesnt really matter if youre making seven digits! haha! what qualifications youve already got what it takes a hard-working attitude and a passion for success nope no website! but there is an informational next tuesday at 7pm at the tryp by wyndhamyeah off of texas aven no its not the sketchy hotel its behind the jack in the box of course the job is real! and the best part is that you can make a ton of money by just networking and hanging out with friends! a scam come on do you think id be hitting up an old friend like you to wrap you into some sort of scheme im just trying to help you out by offering you the chance to avoid the rat race everyone is scrambling to work as a pencil-pusher in some soulless corporate firm after graduation but im offering you an opportunity to secure your financial future decades before your peers well im sure youll change your mind once you sleep on it wouldnt want you to miss out on a chance to see your bank account hit one million before age 30 see you next tuesday!
another school year has flown by which means its time once again to say goodbye to our own graduating senior members just as one anxiously waits for the next bit of our content to reach the public so have these friends of ours been waiting to be made known to the world their time contributing to the mugdown is coming to an end but the legacy and satire they leave behind will live on congratulations to our graduating seniors!
on wednesday sophomore computer science major eric livingston confirmed reports that he wears a helmet when biking my decision to wear a helmet is a personal matter livingston said addressing a crowd of disgruntled students at rudder plaza its my body and my choice and i dont appreciate your judgment several students around campus confirmed that they had seen the disturbing sight oh yeah i know who that is said junior alexia castor i was so shocked when i saw him that i nearly got hit by another bike behind me while bikes have long been popular on campus usage has surged exponentially in the past four years transportation experts have attributed this trend to the constantly expanding campus and the often unreliable bus system today an unwritten code of conduct governs on-campus cycling most cyclists with the clear exception of livingston conform to the no helmet policy and to regulation requiring sidewalk-only riding when addressing the crowd livingston maintained his decision to continue wearing his helmet despite the negative attention it attracts my uncle suffered a traumatic brain injury while riding a bike seven years ago livingston said after witnessing his recovery i know that enduring the stares and jeers is so much better than going through what he did especially considering the way some people ride their bikes on campus sophomore max driskill who sits near livingston in csce 221 said the helmet usage disturbs his classroom environment [eric] always comes in with his hair all messed up and stuff its like he thinks his safety is more important than his appearance heldenfalls
katy perry sia and a list of other popular superstars have filed a class-action lawsuit against texas a&m panhellenic for member sorority sisters stealing the celebrities signature wig look sorority members have been seen wearing the wigs in college stations northgate district as well as at date parties sisterhood events and philanthropy fundraisers among the most routine violators as identified in the lawsuit are senior pledge classes seniors have been spotted throughout the week wearing these attention-demanding wigs while participating in bar crawls a trend that has significantly increased during the 2017-2018 academic year the mugdown spoke with sorority students to get a better understanding of the trend i just love the attention! the first night i went to logies wearing these wigs and matching t-shirts with my sisters i mustve gotten a dozen comments and just as many free drinks said justine dalini a senior bims major and member of eta theta zeta sorority although sorority members have been reaping the benefits from these simple yet loud hair accessories the pop music industry hopes to bring an end to this popular look in college station the artists represented by this legal action have spent many years building their reputation through use of the colored wig a statement from the lawsuit said any unauthorized use of the wigs dilutes the plaintiffs marketable value if a civil trial results from this lawsuit texas a&ms judicial court has jurisdiction and will hear the case after sorting through the pile of appeals from losing parties of the 2018 student body election good bullogna
at 11 pm saturday night senior aaron berkowitz defied all odds by ending up at northgate berkowitz started his night at a 7 pm pregame for a date party with aggie tulips then attended the date party berkowitz at 9 pm showed no promise of being able to push through to the gates but he surprised the other attendees including his date kiara michaels with his stamina to make it all the way said michaels when we started drinking at 7 he insisted on taking three jäger-bombs he was doing well; we were chilling with a pretty big group of people then he started with the four lokos and it was all downhill from there that dude is a party master it was reported that by 9 pm berkowitz was vomiting on the front lawn of the house other attendees rushed to his aid but berkowitz insisted he just needed to go to the bathroom for a while to regain his composure an acquaintance of berkowitz sammy mickelson was able to witness the partial recovery he had puke all over him like all over him he went into the bathroom for ten minutes then came out relatively spotless said mickelson that dude is a party master berkowitz switched from four lokos to beer at the date party which was held at an undisclosed location in bryan after dancing for approximately two hours and consuming four more beers berkowitz and four other attendees ordered an uber while in the uber berkowitz threw up out the window avoiding the $200 uber charge that would have been incurred the uber driver coner meens vividly remembered berkowitzs escapade i kept thinking ‘this kid isnt going to make it said meens he was pale and green with puke stains on his collar but i gotta give him props he didnt throw up in my car and when i dropped him off he hustled straight to tipsy turtle berkowitz proceeded to take two pickle shots at the tipsy turtle then go to the chicken to play pool towards the end of the night college station police were called about an argument at the chicken and berkowitz was escorted from the facility to his place of residence at the rise according to sources close to berkowitz he avoided a public intoxication citation by claiming he was the nephew of us secretary of energy rick perry buffalo wild wags
in response to criticism towards accessibility of professional counseling on campus texas a&m student counseling services (scs) has opened a drive-thru for students seeking help in a hurry the groundbreaking service launched as get help to-go will operate during regular office hours next to scss temporary location at white creek students unwilling to wait for weeks to set an initial appointment can simply pull up to the window where a passionate underpaid and overworked doctoral candidate will provide brief vocational and/or psychological support students will be advised to condense their stories of career concerns or childhood trauma into a five-minute monologue to keep the line moving the texas a&m board of regents released a brief statement endorsing the drive-thru texas a&m prides itself on being a fearless leader on every front and that includes providing the best counseling service we can to our students when our research suggested that the best wasnt being provided (and that surprisingly football could not cure depression) we made necessary adjustments while students appreciate the speedy service and not paying for parking the drive-thru has its share of critics junior phil ingham said his session was cut painfully short i was halfway through processing my abandonment issues when the counselor said ‘im so sorry we dont have the budget to continue this session and closed the window said ingham its fine its not the first time ive been cut off from a male figure in my life hullakazoo
with $1 mixed drinks and the promise of entertainment till 2am the college station applebees recently became a focal point for student nightlife located off texas avenue and behind northpoint crossing the neighborhood bar and grill attracted a new demographic of patronage beginning last october with the introduction of $1 margaritas to the restaurant chains menu the quiet restaurant known for historically catering towards middle america and white-collar happy hours saw college students crowding the restaurant until the doors closed at 2am with the continuation of $1 long island iced teas and the addition of $2 bottles of blue moon in january the restaurant has staked its claim among the places to be during a night out the best part of this influx of students is that it doesnt affect our usual patrons who clear out by around 9 pm said fritz christen the general manager of applebees students dont usually start arriving until about 10:30 or 11 and by then theyre drunk enough to actually want something off of the menu for many students its just a matter of convenience when deciding where to go out i live at northpoint crossing so the walk is next to nothing said claude von marsh a senior history major i dont have to worry about using uber or having very far to walk once im intoxicated plus the prices are about half the cost of world of beer for the same quality other students seemed to prefer the atmosphere of the comfort restaurant as opposed to some of the clubs on northgate for me it has a similar appeal to logies: the ability to drink while being comforted by a sense of nostalgia said katherine benchmark a junior philosophy major sometimes i dont want to crawl through people just to have a mediocre time and fall asleep with my ears ringing while the reasons for going to club bees may be different student patrons share a love for cheap drinks in a friendly environment applebees promises to challenge the hegemony of college station nightlife by offering the comfort and price of drinking at home without the shame associated with it netflix & drill
early this morning fraternity veta alpha pi epsilon (vape) announced on its ac/dc-inspired chilifest page snook me all night long that it will be replacing all keystone beer with juulpods as a part of its build the trendy electronic cigarette producer juul has surpassed value beer brands keystone and natural light in popularity and other fraternities are expected to follow suit veta alpha pi epsilon is regarded as one of the more progressive organizations in texas a&m panhellenic and is notorious for cutting-edge chilifest builds junior marketing major and vp of chilifest operations for vape brundon wallace made the decision to completely switch from keystone to juulpods i learned about customer surveys in class last week so i interviewed a few of our groupies and they think juuls are way more in wallace said besides my nicotine addiction has surpassed my alcohol addiction so the decision for juulpods was a no-brainer among the juulpod flavors supplied will be cool mint mango and limited edition sue me my dads a lawyer the fraternity will also forgo all beer showers at their chilifest build in favor of vape fogs the mugdown sought to get reactions from ticket holders of vapes build i will feel much safer there: i wont have to worry about a frat guy slipping anything into my drink because there wont be drinks said morgan tilly a senior bims major and four-year chilifest veteran this build will be perfect because i wont have to constantly hide from the cops or bring my fake said brianna sattle a sophomore chemistry major in another attempt to appeal to students by hopping on the latest trend medical science library and wehner will begin replacing their starbucks vending machines with juul vending machines supplementing one stimulant for another the campaign is being called nicotine over caffeine good bullogna
graduation season approaches once again for students at texas a&m unwatched snapchat stories of friends ordering caps and gowns overlooked facebook posts of i cant believe this is my last… and mailboxes overflowing with unopened graduation invites signal the landfall of this annual rite of passage for thousands of aggies however these indicators of success pale in comparison to the most important social media brag: senior photos as graduation candidates scramble to book the photographer of their dreams bethany oconnor could not believe her eyes when she first stumbled across mark daniels flashy photography website advertising just $40 for a full days worth of high quality photographs oconnor a senior economics major told the mugdown that her financial situation left her worried wondering how she could possibly afford anyone from college stations prestigious group of the pictorial elite despite one small detail that concerned oconnor daniels seemed to be the answer to her fervent prayers i was so worried that no one would really know i was graduating if i couldnt post pictures of myself in my cap and gown on all my social media outlets so i jumped on marks offer said oconnor we set a date when mark told me the weather would be clear and the sky would be my favorite colorblueand i picked out some cute outfits mark showed up and he had this really cool futuristic-looking camera it was small and compact and i think it was from japan or something he told me that we had to make every picture count because the lighting for the day only allowed for exactly 27 pictures thats how i knew i was working with a real professional according to oconnor the session took approximately one hour and daniels hand-delivered the photos himself after taking only two or three days to edit them to perfection upon inquiring how the mugdown could contact daniels for a statement oconnor gave us his fax machine number ⎯mugdown staff
a new group of counselors and chairs were selected this march and are excited for several months of memorable experiences: road trips serving incoming freshmen at camp and continuing relationships through continuity events for example one particular fish camp activity however has members especially excited: hot seat hot seat a common feature of fish camp road trips is a game where each member answers any question asked by fellow counselors over the course of a predetermined amount of time questions cover a wide variety of topics and present an opportunity for counselors to get to know each other at a much deeper level i absolutely love hot seat second-year counselor kailey johnson said it provides an opportunity to learn about my friends likes and dislikes passions sexual histories favorite counselors and all of the other things that define a person it really helps me know all of my fellow counselors without having to waste time having a real conversation with them junior chad markstrom a third year counselor agreed with johnsons belief that hot seat is one of the most important parts of fish camp hot seat is a fantastic way to bring people together in a short amount of time i really like all the wild stories people tell about times they got drunk or high because they are really useful for establishing the party culture we cherish here at fish camp plus i really love asking about the amount of hoe points [a numerical value representing the level of a persons sexual activity] a person has earned because it helps me establish which women i need to respect and which ones i can try to hook up with at after camp parties johnson was also quick to point out that despite the attention hot seat receives for all of the sexual questions it provokes theres so much more to it than that hot seat provides us counselors the opportunity to take something that was designed for the betterment of camp and make it all about ourselves which serves as excellent training for when we arrive at lakeview and do the exact same thing for four days it also serves as an opportunity to find jokes that we can give to the freshmen when they make their own skits at the end of camp usually we have to be vague and cryptic in order to avoid breaking policy but its ok because we still understand the references and find them funny while many of the counselors we spoke with were excited about this summer activity this sentiment was not shared by all reluctant counselors cited several reasons for being uncomfortable with the activity including feeling pressured to answer questions as well as a failure to understand how knowing whether fellow counselors preferred being mauled by a bear to hooking up with their grandma helped welcome incoming freshmen into the aggie family some counselors reported a desire to abstain in participating altogether however session a co-chair mark claver was adamant that counselors are not required to participate hot seat is considered ‘challenge by choice meaning counselors are free to choose whether to participate in hot seat or to be the only person in their camp that doesnt however i have never heard of a counselor not participating in hot seat i guess that just shows how fish camp has fulfilled their goal of being a safe inclusive place for everyone! christian bubble butt
gena thompson a sophomore poultry major was in a rush monday morning when she entered into west campus garage scanning for a spot she was driving down the first row when she assumed the third spot was filled with a small compact car i couldnt believe it thompson said the spot was empty i never thought something of this caliber would ever happen to me with the universitys growing population it is increasingly uncommon to find a spot in any lot or garage on campus after 7:40 am especially on rainy or cold days most students fly down the rows not even beginning to slow down until theyve reached the third level of the garage i try not to get my hopes up thomas said my horoscope told me i would have luck today but i thought that meant stealing soda out of ag cafe without getting caught not getting a parking spot on the first floor! many students stood in awe when thompson got out of her car there were claps open mouths; a couple people even fell to their knees after walking down several flights of stairs and witnessing what had happened thomas left the garage that morning in a positive mood knowing she would make it to her test on time when asked to comment on the fact she drove a moped and would be the source of let down for other students she did not comment i am just proud to be part of a historical moment in texas a&m history thompson said wehner dog
early wednesday morning tamu administrators arrived on campus to find students hauling thousands of books out of evans library and pouring them onto a massive pile on the polo field president michael k young shortly arrived on the scene demanding to know who was behind the riotous vandalism junior petroleum engineering student blake bletchley came forward as the mastermind behind moving the books after president young demanded to know what was happening bletchley replied that the students intended to burn every library book at texas a&m to free up more room for study tables bletchley founder of the activist group aggies for burning useless things contends that using libraries as repositories for actual books is an outdated philosophy that should have stayed in the 20th century i cant think of anyone at this university in the past 15 years who seriously checked out a book from any library on campus bletchley said its time to radically change how we view these buildings he pointed out that massive bookshelves inconvenience students by taking up potential study space study spaces become scarce during exam season bletchley explained and the university should do everything possible to fully utilize the space you have all these jerks who only come to the library during exams and they create a shortage of available room for everyone to pull all nighters and have mental breakdowns in public bletchley said if we just took out all the books we would more than meet the seating needs of every student needing to study at any time burning the books according to bletchley was the easiest and most cost effective way to speed the process along as well as a way to bring tamu into the future it is time we bring this place into the new millennium! bletchley said everyone should just accept that everything youll ever need to know is online theres nothing we can learn from books anymore they have no utility! bletchley also told president young to be on the lookout for his facebook event burn night 2018 expected to be the most eventful fire-related event of the year i cant wait to watch these puppies burn! bletchley said youll be able to see the fire all the way from space! fish daddy
students in a texas a&m student organization have repeatedly found it impossible to sign-up to bring a food item to the upcoming social event thanks to an error in the forms sharing settings after two days of waiting and numerous complaints filed through the organizations groupme it appears that the sign-up sheet for the wolf pen creek social is still inaccessible by those trying to fill it out after being tagged multiple times in the groupme madeline abbasi senior international studies major and internal events chair commented on the technological issue okay it should work now abbasi said general members maintain that this statement is false after a series of attempts to resolve the issue abbasi instead abandoned the form and asked participants to text her individually with their name and what they would like to contribute to the potluck abbasi apparently prefers this solution to google searching the three keystrokes that will make the google sheet editable at time of press it is unclear how abbasi was able to achieve the high rank of internal events chair when recent circumstances have made it obvious she lacks basic computer skills bacon & ags
texas a&m acapella group aggiepella has introduced an aca-amazing new way to embody the core value selfless service as technology has progressed over the past decade classrooms are experiencing an ever-growing number of instructors who fear their computers by making use of their unique vocal skill set aggiepella feels they can help bridge the gap honestly we just saw the need in the community and knew we had to do something about it said aggiepella first soprano lillie bates studies show that students experience 10-15 hours of lost class time over their college careers due to a lack of technical knowledge by our more elderly professors with all those skipped videos awkward silences while professors open and close tabs and long wait times for student it services we here at aggiepella believe that it is our duty to help those in need members of the vocal group spend 10-12 hours per week visiting classrooms and standing in for missing voices error messages full orchestras and more i think theyre doing a great jobi havent had to face the disappointment of a missed class video opportunity in weeks said sophomore industrial engineering major andy bower just last monday i was able to finish the last two questions of my homework and listen to a sick vocal performance of industrial safety procedures made easy due to high demand for their services aggiepella says they are currently accepting new members auditions will consist of a pre-prepared song survey of mechanical beatboxing sounds and a vocal rendition of the windows xp startup tone the maroon scare
students around campus have noticed the sudden appearance of ofo bikes a popular bike share option the bikes have been brought to peoples homes left in bushes and stranded outside of classrooms however research from the mugdown has uncovered that the program is a behavioral study for psychology 101 classes students use of the bikes is tracked through gps systems and registration required to access the bikes the tracking system has given us the ability to observe how students behave when given free items said andrew vorster a junior psychology major most people begrudgingly attend their psychology studies required for their psyc 101 class so we thought we would remove the requirement and try a more covert option instead the psychology department has been recording the behavior of students and how they treat the bikes many students leave bikes on the ground outside of buildings other students bring them home after one ride and never return them to campus we have been able to observe that it is a small number of repeat offenders capitalizing on the free service said aubrey robertson a senior psychology major for some students the effort of registering for a bike is too much to ask when you get get to observe a subject who really takes advantage of free things you couldnt ask for a better psychological study other students have gone on to leave their bikes in their front yard or alongside the road without any explanation much of this data provides insight into the behavior of college students said mason slandison dean of the psychology department we went so far as to paypeople to attend the studies that we made a course requirement but even that was not enough this has been the best study we have held to date with over 500 bikes on campus for the ride-sharing program the psychology department has found that the bike usage is concentrated around a few dozen users the information has provided a useful insight into students decisions and now has the department looking into other free services as a means to observe behavior – netflix and drill
a report published by the journal of consumer behavior on monday indicates a positive correlation between the high levels of a campus banner holders disdain for an event and the attendance of the event being promoted spring semester brings an influx of organizational activities that require countless hours of banner holding on campus we reached out to students promoting a variety of events in order to understand the ways sign holders differentiate themselves and better promote their event i really get the best vibe from the people with a dead and distant look in their eyes said roberta johnson a sophomore communications major johnson expressed her dislike for banner holders who attempt to communicate with her personally it honestly pisses me off when people try to hand me fliers or tell me about their philanthropy like i went on a mission trip last year i dont really need to hear about orphans and stuff johnson said although contrary to the evidence of the report leaders of student organizations across campus continue to encourage members to yell louder throw more flyers and play more music at their posts instead of spreading awareness though many students would argue that these banner holders are simply spreading resentment students appear to be especially attracted to banner holders who are fully-invested in their phone instead of their banner duties when the holders are on their phones i know that they wont try to stare me down and guilt trip me into attending their event said norman harvey a senior petroleum engineering major when im being fully ignored by the holder staring at their phone i feel much more inclined to go that event harvey said harvey is not alone in his feelings as studies show that 9 out of 10 undergraduate students report that a less joyous holder will increase their odds of event attendance students residing in dorms surrounding the commons promotional district are the primary outliers in this study the souls of these residents have not yet become cynical enough to develop a sense of loathing towards banner advertisement when compared to those doing the holding reports the study ­­­­­– koldus & cream
elliot madison was subjected to a large volume of shame this week as he decided to keep showing off his spring break body madison was judged harshly by his fellow students for sporting a cut out t-shirt and short shorts while at the student recreation center outside of working out madison still faces harsh judgement for walking around in tight t-shirts and shorts that are several inches above his knees i know what i am doing when i wear these shorts said madison a junior kinesiology major people always accuse me off trying to show off my muscles with what i wear its not true though i am just wearing what is most comfortable for me the rampant judgement and advice to drop the weights and go for a run has led to madison creating a support group for men who want to take a stand against bro shaming i may spend two hours a day at the gym but i am working on getting my phd in biology said scott adams a doctoral candidate people try and judge me for the way i look but i just have a lot of knowledge about why i should care for my body other students were surprised by the harsh reaction coming from a group of people they believed were not emotionally complex enough to display emotion it must be their fragile masculinity causing them to react this poorly to honest criticism said johnny kumite a junior philosophy major dont they understand that its 2018 and people dont need to compare themselves to ancient concepts of fitness students interested in finding more information about madisons support group can find madisons booth set up inside the student recreation center said madison anyone able to display proper form while doing a deadlift is welcome – netflix and drill
animal rights activist group peta reportedly has a new target at texas a&m: the corps of cadets many believe that the group is seeking to draw attention to abuses of the most defenseless animals on campus freshman cadets peta is ignoring obvious facts about the corps said cadet commander sasha willbanks we treat the fish with the same respect that any decent pet owner would we require them to eat twice a day we take them out to exercise at least three times a week and we hardly ever haze them anymore! the mugdown reached out to peta who replied with a statement when we learned about the atrocities that this school has committed against golden retrievers in laboratories we were appalled at how brutally aggies were treating such a beloved american symbol peta representative barbara strahan said that anger pales in comparison to our feelings now how can this school be so brutal to american heroes like freshman cadets they earned their brass! strahan did confirm that peta volunteers will be actively working to liberate the abused fish while strahan did not disclose any strategies sources report that remarkably attractive boot chasers of both genders have dramatically increased in numbers at quadbucks many members of corps staff suspect that these individuals are actors trying to lure freshmen away from the standard and cadences way of living there is just no way that my freshmen are pulling these kinds of dates! sophomore cadet brent lancaster said im not one for conspiracies but it does not make any sense that these fish are getting that kind of attention while im still going stag peta has yet to comment on whether or not their plans include a rescue of reveille ⎯ west campus mirage
in a press conference last friday leaders of the corps of cadets announced that in an effort to open up communication between cadets and their leadership an official complaint box will be installed at the bottom of lake bryan communication is the key to success in any large organization said brig gen joe ramirez commandant of the corps of cadets for that communication to be effective it needs to be two-way while there seems to be no problem sending information down to cadets we seem to have run into roadblocks in receiving feedback from the cadets while in a corporate or military environment a proper chain of command would be used to bring complaints and suggestions from the bottom up i have noticed a bottleneck at our rising leaders in an effort to better understand this problem the commandants office has conducted a study on the failure of complaints to reach the highest levels of corps leadership the study concluded that critiques of the corps of cadets are replaced by support for new policies after being received by those who need the explicit blessing of the commandant staff to obtain key leadership positions unfortunately the study was unable to determine a root cause for this trend prompting the development of a complaint box at the bottom of lake bryan senior accounting major and member of corps staff joan tylerson sat down with the mugdown to explain the new process: its really simple all a cadet has to do is write their suggestion on a piece of paper drive out to lake bryan rent a boat find the suggestion box using sonar dive down the forty feet to the lake floor and place the suggestion in the box while there have been mixed feelings towards the new system it has received near-universal approval from corps staff who believe it will be pivotal in ensuring a cadet-run corps of cadets the only objection presented was that such a streamlined communication method might cause trivial complaintsphysical fitness standards or the dismantling of outfit culture for exampleto choke out necessary suggestions about issues like the shortage of required basketball games the initiative is set to replace the previous method for posting complaints by mailing in a form to a post office that has been closed since 1957 the underwater complaint processing system is expected to be installed when the funding that is currently used for on-campus construction is freed up space cadet
at an informational earlier this semester fish camp revealed its new seventh value: diversity this decision was made to help future attendees feel more comfortable with the camps environment however some counselors are afraid this will make fish camp about the freshmen instead of themselves fish camp has received criticism in the past for the organizations lack of camp diversity after some introspection fish camp staff decided a change was necessary we took a good look at our organization and saw we need to focus on the freshmen more a member of fish camps director staff said the mugdown interviewed an anonymous fish camp chair for their opinion on the subject: this will forever change how camp is run i chose my counselors to make the best acp [after camp policy] party possible but now it looks like i needed counselors who care about the freshmen and continuity the change has received positive feedback from most future aggies they are so brave said casey becker a high school senior from laredo fish camp chose to break from a&m traditions not only by having more than six values but by appreciating diversity others are less impressed theyre just jumping on the bandwagon a high schooler from dallas said everyone else already claims to value diversity though the change has upset counselors fish camp received more applications than ever my parents booked our trip to europe last summer around work weekends said second-year counselor william mixon with all the sacrifices we make camp is about us we cant let one new value change that counselors have decided to take action against this decision a protest formed tuesday outside of the fish camp office protesters sat for 72 hours straight eating only cheese balls and drinking ice berry blue our culture is being threatened a protester said next they wont allow acps! fish camps success will likely affect impact retreats official decision regarding which denominations of christians are allowed to serve as counselors anime sciences
last tuesday sorority sisters amber pruitte and candice jennings stopped by goodwill to shop for costumes for their date party later that night the date party theme was shrek at the rec and they hoped a successful trip to their favorite thrift store would draw all eyes to on them and their respective dates during the entire hour-long shopping excursion pruitte and jennings had little luck in finding their ideal costumes all i wanted was an ugly green dress! im tired of needy families taking the good date party costumes at goodwill! jennings told the mugdown the girls upset that many of their intended wardrobe options were picked over were appalled when they noticed an older lady in front of them had a pair of red gloves in her basket that wouldve been perfect for chads lord farquaad costume! pruitte said doesnt that lady realize how important this date party is for me! goodwill among other local thrift stores has long provided inexpensive secondhand clothing and accessories to individuals and families in the bryan/college station area however these shops have grown in popularity with college students who rummage through thrift stores for clothing related to halloween date parties and various student organization events despite a costume shopping failure at goodwill the girls picked dresses that fit and decided to let their dates fend for their own the mugdown later followed up with jennings the day after the date party to ask what she had done with the dress that was purchased my closet at the sorority house is so big so i cant remember im sure its tucked away in a box with my other costumes who cares good bullogna editors note: the following are different locations around bryan/college station where you can conveniently donate clothes and other household goods for the benefit of those who need it most: a: second chance resale: 2041 harvey mitchell pkwy s college station tx 77840 b: alices attic: 424 n main st bryan tx 77803 c: second chance ii: 3808 old college rd bryan tx 77801 d: goodwill (college station): 2704 texas ave #3 college station tx 77840 e: goodwill (bryan): 2600 texas ave bryan tx 77802 f: charity clothing pickup – drop box: 2232 texas ave s college station tx 77840 g: charity clothing pickup – drop box: 2400 earl rudder frwy college station tx 77840 h: charity clothing pickup – drop box: 700 university dr e college station tx 77840 i: charity clothing pickup – drop box: 3300 state highway 6 s college station tx 77840
a campus-wide study conducted by the department of student health services uncovered results confirming the hypothesis that showering every once in a while is acceptable the study says that as many as one shower a day is recommended for the average person weve found time and time again through intense analytical data collection that showering is totally fine said alyssa barigian health communications and marketing manager for student health services it may come as a surprise to some but showering is actually good for ones health and has almost no side effects though certain groups on campus are slow to adapt to the recent announcement experts assert that all students will come around eventually despite the fact that many people are clearly hesitant to start showering just because of some medical study im sure these holdouts will come around once it becomes clear that society values hygiene barigian said on the other hand opposition to the results of the medical study demand further research these people are supposed to be scientists but they apparently cant analyze data correctly said ned brewster sophomore electrical engineering student they did not even consider the fact that i am in college now and i dont have to do what my parents made me do at home whats next theyre going to start recommending deodorant student health services intends to set up an informational booth at next semesters engineering career fair to spread awareness of the surveys results bacon & ags
the callaway house has announced that all non-greek residents will be evicted at the end of march in order to free up spaces for fraternity and sorority members that have been living in less-than-ideal communities the 30-day eviction notices were delivered at the end of spring rush which was offered as a last-ditch effort for panhellenic organizations to meet their recruitment quotas and for less desirable potential new members (pnms) to find their new home away from home residents have had more than enough time to worm their way into even a second-tier panhellenic organization said eric rowlett the general manager of the popular off-campus housing complex we understand this may be upsetting to some but we are excited to improve upon our already stellar community of residents the eviction policy was outlined in the lease a binding legal document that college students often neglect to read the clause was apparently located underneath the paragraph banning underage drinking on the property when asked about the legality of such an action rowlett said callaway house certainly prohibits discrimination on the basis of race color national/ethnic origin religion sex disability age sexual orientation and veteran status there is no such provision protecting non-greek residents when asked for comment katie lepetska a freshman resident and member of zeta lambda agreed with managements decision non-greek residents just cant understand our traditions and they totally bring down the mood sometimes said lepetska not all residents are pleased with the decision however several displaced residents expressed sadness or frustration about the abrupt decision some even going so far as to beg their greek friends to advocate on their behalf i thought my roommates and i were really starting to become friends said sarah lutner a sophomore english major i guess im gonna have to couch surf for a while gabe mcdaniel a freshman business major who received his eviction notice tuesday said he understood the tough decision i had hoped that joining ol ags would spare me but i guess i can look into living at berkeley house or sterling northgate it sucks though because i was just getting used to the thumping bass and regular vandalism heldenfalls
many landscapers local to the bryan-college station area have gathered to protest the big event an annual service day for texas a&m students the dispute began after some landscapers attributed declining sales in the months following the big event to the mass quantities of free labor distributed to the well-off families in the area around 100 workers gathered with unpainted picket signs on the msc grass to kick off the protest (and a possible job opportunity) the protesters main issue is found in a specific clause within the big events core values the clause reads in part this one-day event is not based on socioeconomic need while this clause is most likely an effort at avoiding discrimination many landscapers see it differently rich people are our entire clientele said rick preston a contractor for a local landscaping company poor people are the ones who could actually appreciate yard work instead our business is ripped away leaving us with no way to make money for months business owners that live in other college towns infected by the big event have experienced a similar issue the majority of the protesters did not want to see the big event discontinued but rather substantially changed they see an opportunity for students to perform jobs at which they are actually skilled cant the engineers engineer something or the business students help small businesses said julia vernon another protester why are they assigning kids to mulch yards when they have no experience in landscaping a minority group of landscapers in the community sees the big event as more of an opportunity than a threat one landscaper pointed out that so many yards are left unfinished or even worse after volunteers work on them making this a massive market for landscapers to fix the mess of inexperienced students until the issue is resolved the elite of bcs will continue to reap the benefits of free yard service while the landscapers keep struggling to stay afloat 12th man bowels
this past weekend the university writing center announced a brand-new course after noting a sizeable need in previously uncharted territory: instagram captions the uwc wants to capitalize on social medias growing importance to students by helping users create captions worthy of hundreds of likes this course will give caption ideas covering a wide variety of events: first day of class bid day holidays semiformal ring day birthdays and many more topics include emoji use optimal length the elimination of capital letters and whether or not you have enough followers to post something quirky without seeming weird kaylee patterson a sophomore kinesiology major had nothing but praise for the week-long intensive course i knew i couldnt post a picture for my best friends birthday with the caption ‘youre so easy to celebrate! after seeing all my friends posting the exact same thing said patterson the university writing center helped me come up with a caption that finally got me to 400 likes thank you uwc! hannah philps a senior business management major relayed her distress over the rising importance of formulating the perfect caption i started college in 2014 said philps back then it didnt even matter what caption you put under your valencia-filtered selfie of you and your roommate thank god i have this course so i can hang on to my shreds of relevancy it is rumored that the university writing center is set to roll out other social media-related courses including the perfect humble brag and what to name your facebook albums after you graduate magnum opas
students have often questioned the mysterious manner in which the big event staff assign student groups to job sites this year the big event has implemented a new policy when assigning jobs to student organizations calling it big brother event since april of last year big brother event has been utilizing social media algorithms to detect which student organizations have generated the most favorable content about their big event experiences groups that have spent the past year flooding their social media with desirable posts will be given jobs such as mulching a yard in castlegate meanwhile undesirable supporterswhose social media posts have been found lacking or even negativewill be forced to endure hard labor lasting all day on rural properties in the outskirts of bryan-college station this decision was met with controversy as many students were worried they could have been more supportive of big brother event had they known its influence i dont have a problem with big brother watching me said john murdoch i just wish i would have posted more on my social media so i could guarantee an easy work site once we implemented the new program we saw positive feedback increase 88% said janice rupert a sophomore history major and big event staff member we havent seen this much motivation to participate in the big event since everyone was convinced it was mandatory their freshman year overall we look forward to the increased social media presence we will have when people begin posting in light of job sites for next year big brother event has promised an increase in the big event enjoyment for those who parade their support for the cause and harsh labor for those who see themselves above the event the moment this years event ends the social media monitoring for those faithful to the big event will begin – netflix and drill
after cutting off three cars while driving down university drive this morning the other parent to your future children barrelled through yellow lights at 10 miles per hour over the speed limit this daredevil will one day be responsible for dropping off your children to school in the family minivan as if that was not enough the love of your life decided to skip their afternoon class so they could take a nap before staying up for a netflix binge on their way out of koldus they forced a biker into a bush so they could avoid yielding when exiting the garage not even slowing down to enjoy their victory in the game of chicken with the bicyclist your future life partners productivity declined when they arrived home leaving their belongs strewn across the apartments public space an endearing juxtaposition to how one day they will help you clean up the messes your children leave around the house in a herculean effort they managed to move their dishes from the counter and into the sink preventing anyone else from placing dishes there after waking up from their nap the person who will someday join you in holy matrimony decided to use their roommates groceries to make queso for the stale chips they discovered in the back of the pantry this queso recipe will go on to be served at all of your future dinner parties you will host as a family after this mexican-inspired lunch creation your future spouse sat down to work on homework for about fifteen minutes before opening up netflix on another tab and settling in for a few hours after several hours of streaming the office your destined spouse missed their group meeting to go and grab something to eat from china king buffet before returning home upon their return they began streaming a princess bride which will one day become the first movie the two of you will watch together this day follows the absolute last low point last week where your future partner chose to miss dinner with friends in order to sit at home and consume a little caesars hot-n-ready pizza all by themselves the current spout of procrastination they feel will be brought to an end when they rear-end your vehicle next month and the two of you meet – netflix and drill
in a study released by the texas a&m college of veterinary medicine three chimpanzees were brought to the 3rd floor of evans library and researchers observed their behavior the three chimps were all seated at one table given study materials and a cell phone then briefed that the floor they occupied was a quiet floor during the study the chimps were found to be very considerate of those around them at one point the cell phone rang while the chimps knew that an interesting conversation awaited on the other end they each decided that is was not the time nor the place to be taking a phone call when milton one of the chimps saw a funny meme online and showed it to his chimp friend swift swift used his body language to acknowledge that the meme was funny however the quiet floor was not an appropriate place to be sharing memes kafka the third chimpanzee got excited about her weekend plans and wanted to tell milton and swift; however after a few stares from others in the library kafka realized that she would disturb the studying environment if she continued the study generated surprising results: chimpanzees were able to adhere to social norms expected on the quiet floor of a library despite being in a group the researchers involved are confused by the fact that similar studies on humans do not render the same results but will continue to look into the question 12th man bowels
this week after years of heated debate and deliberation by the nations top professionals one complicated national issue was solved by a guy eating burnt oven pizza off a crumpled napkin he found on his counter trey stinton a sophomore spanish major at texas a&m told the mugdown that his solution came to him after he read the headline of an article on facebook about the issue shortly after wiping hardened pizza grease from his patchy unkempt beard and tossing his napkin on the floor he got to work devising a solution to the issue that had stumped those who had devoted their entire lives to its resolution senator carla franklin who has spent the last ten years learning about the issue voiced her excitement about stintons solution i was skeptical at first franklin said having worked on this issue my entire career the last person i expected to have the answer was a second-year college undergraduate whose profile picture features him shotgunning a miller lite in the early afternoon but when i finally deciphered his 400-word facebook rant which was riddled with typos and grammatical errors i knew he was on to something after reading stintons proposal policymakers began work immediately dismantling the progress they had made over the last decade in favor of a solution that came from a man who did not know for sure what day it was when he created it stinton feels confident that his takes on other topics are unique and wants to offer more solutions to the countrys most complicated issues he also continues to insist that he got his athletes foot from his friends bathroom and not own his shower which he has never cleaned teenage music gigem turtles
swiftly coming to terms with the reality of his future in corporate america senior business management major and active member of a mens social organization jordan michaels realized how absolutely awful all of this is now i remember my first ever unicorn cum shot like it was yesterday michaels said staring depressingly at a picture of david bowie on the wall at logies while ‘sugar were going down drones on in the background but now… it holds no appeal behaviors widely considered normal and acceptable during college are quickly perceived as juvenile or dangerous upon graduation dumping keystone light on chicks during chilifest or drinking on tuesday nights become problematic behaviors unfit for a father and husband smoking cigarettes swiftly shifts from i-dont-care-what-you-think badassery to the leading cause of preventable death in the us according to the cdc this is not lost on michaels do i need to change who i am michaels could be overheard wondering out loud over a chugger of coors light i mean there are only so many times i can listen to mr brightside whats wrong with me is this what growing up feels like with chilifest quickly approaching michaels began making moves to distance himself from the habits that could easily become his undoing while saving up for one last blow-out to remember the old college days he switched from traditional tobacco products like dip and cigarettes to a juul a trendy new e-cig for health reasons he started buying groceries and cleaning his bathroom once a month a chore neglected since he signed his first lease three semesters ago surveying his light smattering of sexual partners over the last three and a half years he started to glimpse the reality he had not yet experienced true love thats it michaels said while deleting a half written ‘you up text from his phone at 1:45 am im going to finally become the person i want to be howdy boo boo
brock heard performed his civic duty of democratic participation last friday taking advantage of the mscs convenient location for early voting heard like many aggies is not from brazos county however this did not even slightly hinder his ability to cast a ballot if it came to a point where he did not know anything about the candidates or their positions heard simply picked the one that sounded the most familiar or had the coolest name whats important is that i voted for every position heard told the mugdown heards parents were thrilled to hear that he voted i was so excited to tell my family! heard said we take a lot of pride in political participation over the past few days the msc has been host to a large number of students wearing i voted! stickers heard says that this motivated him significantly as it would have embarrassed him not to have a sticker besides voting only takes like 35 seconds heard said heard a political science major further explained that the importance of voting cannot be overstated had he decided not to vote then his opinion on important things like locally-held offices which affect citizens day-to-day lives would have gone completely unnoticed even if i didnt always know what i was voting for at least i took a stand said heard after exiting the msc heard a graduating senior will likely be moving back to his home state of colorado this spring and is reportedly a bit disappointed he will not get to experience the impact of his decision to vote ⎻west campus mirage voting day is on march 6th in texas
the 2017-2018 corps of cadets is not only the largest the corps has been since 1975 but also the most inclusive the corps has ever been the current corps focuses its energy on separating itself from the past the changes in the corps shift beyond ideological boundaries and have reshaped how annual events are conducted as well events this year have included vegan meal options at all outfit bbqs and a daily 2 minutes of hate after dinner where freshmen are allowed to yell at any upperclassmen the biggest shift was the rock the quad event where the most hateful sophomore from each outfit was stoned to death by their fish the most recent change is the way in which the cadet challenge event bloody cross is held much less exciting than the name indicates bloody cross is a three mile run around the quad in which outfits race each other to a soundtrack of 80s rock a bulletin from the commandant general ramirez elaborated on the situation: we believe that decreasing the number of runners for the event will better represent our credo of ‘inclusion by all means necessary in past years the event required 75% participation to qualify for an event but the new requirement lowers that number to 15 runners historically all-male outfits dominated this event; company h-1 has won the event for the past 17 years in a row however with the runner count set to 15 outfits only have to field the fastest 15 guys in the company its really genius if you think about it said brad sauer corps commander even though 98% of the runners registered for the event are men we can use the results to show that integrated outfits are just as physically fit as soon-to-be-integrated units the cadets themselves had mixed reactions to the event though its not that only all-male outfits could win the event said jenner pinkerton a senior cadet in a-1 its just that they are the only ones who care to try the three ways to be disqualified from the race are to swear to push or pull other runners or to wear costumes who do you think that last rule is for over the weekend each outfit will have the opportunity to try its hand at breaking a winning streak matching the senior class year over the course of the weekend those who visit the quad will see bloody cross run as it would have been forty years ago: all male – netflix & drill hazed and confused
dear editor: as with every spring semester aggies are full of new years resolutions and a newfound zeal for school this motivation can take several forms whether that means rushing to the rec like a flock of pigeons harassing park goers or talking to that cute guy or girl in lab the problem with this is that many students relapse into their normal habits and end the semester like every other: with physical and emotional disappointment that being said many students choose to fulfill their desperation for change by joining organizations on paper it seems like a great idea: you can meet new people and have something to fill space on your fluff-piece of a resume for the first couple of weeks everything seems to be going just fine however after stumbling into a saturday afternoon meeting hungover for the fourth week in a row many students feel a not-so-faint tinge of remorse this might sound bleak but never fear for i believe i discovered the secret to success with minimal effort this past semester i discovered how to look like the busiest man on campus while spending all day sitting at home every year i get put into these group projects and theres always one guy who cant make it to our meetings because of some stupid club i thought to myself whats stopping me from taking that concept a bit further as a result last fall i signed up for 23 different clubs with that much involvement time conflicts are inevitable essentially what i do is show up to the first meeting for a few minutes and make a really big deal about being late for another meeting everyone seems impressed that i came and flattered that i took the effort to be there since i do that for every single obligation i effectively have zero responsibilities no longer do i have to sheepishly explain my listless lifestyle to my parents i can blow them away as i rattle off my impressively long line of organizations i am pretty sure ill have to hire an editor for my novel of a resume more importantly i can finally justify my lethargy since im such a busy person thanks and good luck keeping up the lies hazed and confused
texas a&m university has announced that college majors will be included as a determinant of group intersectionality students are now asked to consider if they are being inclusive enough of underrepresented majors in their activities the administration has decided that opinions can be more valid and should be listened to based off the speakers area of study it is now also official policy to recognize the additional difficulty some majors face the university defines this difficulty as something that adds validity to the opinions of those majors at a minimum students are expected to base their definition of hardship on representative hardship rather than personal experience with only 18 music majors on campus we need to weigh their opinions over others since most people cant perceive the difficulty they face said abby beker a junior theater arts major engineers dont need all the attention they get with how difficult their course load is everyone knows engineers have difficult courses but nobody cares when i bring up my personal difficulty being one of 17 theater arts majors on campus thats why i support the university stepping in to assign value to opinions another student offered similar opinions backing the move by the administration as one of 45 performance studies majors extra value should be assigned to my perspective said tim spleek a senior performance studies major i am tired of hearing how easy i have it compared to engineers when they have never see it from my viewpoint before engineers have established channels for jobs after graduation but i dont have access to that when i apply for jobs after school not every student was in support of the administrations move but few were willing to publicly voice their opposition to it i just dont think every time i have a discussion with someone my major should be relevant to whether i should be heard or not said adam lytics a junior computer engineering major i think trying to judge people by their major is silly since everyone sees their own major as the hardest; its just divisive the university is asking us to treat students differently because of their major while also telling us to treat everyone the same regardless of major after he voiced his opinions students were quick to shout adam down he was accused of major-splaining and having major privilege as an engineer which prevents him from understanding why he cannot understand what other majors are going through – netflix and drill
unease permeated the gay community at texas a&m as many realized that the entire population of gay aggie men attended olivia ellmonts 21st birthday bash i saw on facebook that my friend brandon and his boyfriend ian were coming to olivias thingwhich was cool because its always awkward showing up to a party where you only know the host said junior international studies major seth patterson it wasnt until i went to get some jello shots that i saw that adrian shumaker and blake aleta were there too sophomore management major blake aleta told the mugdown at one point i saw this guy who looked super familiar but i couldnt remember where i knew him from then i realized i had matched with him on tinder a bunch of times but never messaged him yikes at one point i even took inventory of every man in the room and it turns out that i follow 87% of them on instagram senior darryl robinson said and then there are the guys who i didnt technically know were gay but facebook and instagram are always insistent that i should add them so ive known im sure some of the guys there were straight but how do i know which ones i swear even [ex-boyfriend] wes showed up patterson said wes munter holds up a photo on grindr a popular gay dating app: look at this torso photo! thats me in the background! its from olivias party! north by northgate
dale santos a student at texas a&m university is currently learning about business ethics from a book that his professor dr wallace yates selflessly wrote and made him buy yates is one of the worlds leading experts in business ethics which is why he is here at the university spreading his knowledge on the subject despite the massive amount of spelling errors santos did not mind paying $200 for his textbook because he reportedly appreciated the hard work that his professor put into writing it professor yates told us that we are not allowed to buy a book used from someone who had taken the class before because it would be unethical santos said i am really glad that we have a professor that cares about ethical behavior enough to implement it in their class no other book on business ethics will be able to teach my students as well as my book can yates said i sleep very well at night knowing my students are getting a great education even if that means i keep some of the profits according to yates ethics book sometimes making money from people who cannot afford to buy your product is essential in conducting ethical business yates ethics textbook contains valuable information like putting aside personal interests for your business in order to maintain a standard of integrity the book also gives information that is personalized for his students college experience containing words like aggie or reveille to help them learn the material faster overall students of this business ethics class love learning about ethics and moral values from their professor and his book unfortunately due to the fact that it is a locally published book a cheaper version cannot be purchased online and it is only available in brand new format at the msc bookstore whoop-tang clan
in an attempt to increase student attendance central fellowship bible church: north campus (cfbcnc) has begun offering evening services to cater to students who spend most of their sundays recovering from hangovers these new services will occur at 5 pm and will offer gatorade and other electrolyte-filled snacks students have been thrilled about the new idea as it allows them to be more productive in multiple areas of their lives i used have a hard time attending church because it was getting in the way of my social life said peter simon a sophomore business major now i dont have to choose between sitting in my puke and sitting in a pew cfbcnc saw a chance to capitalize on the new service when powerhouse grace bible church: anderson campus (colloquially granderson) stopped offering evening services while cfbcnc still faces competition with a few other churches they feel as if they are gaining popularity with the im out of excuses crowd although the new services have convinced many students to start going back to church a few are still resistant sunday evening is when i study said martha greenberg a junior engineering major god has placed me at this university to be a student and that is what i need to prioritize students voicing this opinion do not worry cfbcnc because they believe those students were probably not coming to church anyway cfbcnc has seen tremendous growth since the addition of the service and expects to be a leader in evening services for the foreseeable future being back at church has left me so ‘filled with the spirit like it says in ephesians 5:18 said simon and now i can spend the rest of my weekend filled with the spirits 12th man bowels
last night garrett junger forgot to set his alarm and will inadvertently cause americas first dictator to rise to power without knowledge of the dystopian future he set into motion by hitting end rather than snooze jungers decision alone will influence the entire course of history adam salomon left for his 8 am class slamming the door behind him nearly loud enough to wake his roommate junger rolled in his bed just a few decibels away from saving the entirety of the western world from collapse meanwhile the next perpetrator of north american genocide took jungers seat in class at the front of the room tossing in his sleep and almost waking himself up junger instead kept his eyes shut through the twilight of freedom and liberty the sole savior of democracy continued to dream about showing up to his final exam without a scantron from his new seat the future despicable tyrant was finally able to hear the professor which gave him the knowledge to get a barely-passing grade on the final at the end of the semester the butterfly effect of one college freshmans decision to skip class will eventually allow for the rise of americas first authoritarian figure the entirety of campus was none the wiser at the events that unfolded this fateful morning courtney razer a sophomore accounting major was too concerned that stepping on a crack would jinx the aggie basketball team other students were concerned about whether their actions would cause a new football recruit to decommit or their next tweet to go viral the downfall of modern america will occur because a nineteen-year-old failed to attend class if only junger had mustered the strength to attend pols 206 he would have been responsible for all of our salvation – netflix and drill
the commandants office released a bold statement wednesday regarding uniform policy for the corps of cadets after many years of deliberation brigadier general joe e ramirez commandant of the corps of cadets has instituted casual fridays a policy that allows cadets to wear clothing of their choice to friday classes there have been reports of low cadet morale so the uniform change will hopefully boost satisfaction and provide a more dynamic atmosphere for our corps said ramirez we will test it out this semester and see how many cadets we retain through the next fiscal year the uniform change is historic: the corps of cadets has donned uniforms to class since the university was founded in 1876 although cadets have expressed mixed emotions at the idea of casual fridays one group on campus is decidedly frustrated with the uniform change bootchasers the self-proclaimed corps fan club has begun planning a protest against the commandants decision i have this senior in my friday 8 am and the only thing that gets me out of bed is the thought of seeing that khaki uniform with those brown boots said sophomore beth neil how am i supposed to distinguish between him and the rest of the male student body without the uniform theres no point in even going to class while the cadet enrollment is currently around 2 600 the office of the commandant announced in 2015 that it is pushing for a 3 000-person corps in the next five years research conducted by the corps of cadets association shows that if prospective students were given the option of joining the corps without having to wear the uniform 65% were more likely to join the military organization if successful in boosting corps numbers casual fridays may result in the corps of cadets ditching the bravos uniform altogether allowing cadets to better blend in with the rest of the student population buffalo wild wags
early wednesday morning the mugdown discovered a mysterious letter outside of the fish camp office in koldus the note was written by an unknown author with the moniker wormwood describing a plot among fish camp co-chairs to undermine the aggie spirit the trail has run cold and there is no indication as to who these chairs are or who wormwood is however our editorial board has decided in the interest of full faith and transparency to publish the letter in full the text is found below on the nature of fish camp my dear friends i am thrilled to see that you after enduring years inhaling the noxious gas the aggies call the aggie spirit have risen to the rank of fish camp co-chairs manipulating your way into the halls of power with your conviction and dedication to our mission not only intact but stronger than ever you are all strong and faithful to our quest against the aggie spirit and your skilled assimilation into a&ms culture has kept our destructive intent hidden your actions over the coming weeks as you and your partners select 24 counselors are crucial to the success of our endeavors take heed of my advice as close adherence to my recommendations will surely lead to fish camps that turn incoming freshman away from the allure of the aggie spirit you must avoid picking counselors who are grateful at all costs gratitude whether to you the organization or to texas a&m as a whole is anathema to our goal grateful counselors make excited counselors; excited counselors are passionate about the mission of fish camp; passionate counselors will provide freshman with a good experience and cause them to believe in the hateful aggie spirit grateful counselors will be the aggie family for freshmanwe simply cannot allow this! freshmen at fish camp must feel excluded the rhetoric of counselors and their actions must be blatantly hypocritical because hypocrisy creates resentment; resentment cynicism; and cynicism drives freshmen from the aggie family your counselors should not focus on the freshmen but are rather focus on themselves your camp must look inward not outward; they must be careless instead of caring above all they must be motivated by fun and personal enjoyment rather than a sense of responsibility or passion for service in order to achieve this you must pick counselors in the shallowest ways possible i recommend the following criteria attractiveness an attractive camp or face-camp will stir the resentment of other counselors this resentment will cause other camps to focus less on serving freshmen and more on petty squabbling and resentment another beneficial side effect is your counselors becoming attracted to one another which opens up a new rabbit hole organization involvement several organizations at texas a&m including flos and other social organizations have historically had large representation in fish camp; thus their current members feel entitled to fish camp membership entitlement is a powerful tool for us social skills focus on over-the-top outgoing counselors no matter the quality of their character; in fact the poorer their character the better a camp of extroverts will make shy freshmen feel uncomfortable and excluded; this is just what were looking for agenda nothing is more destabilizing to a camp than extreme political agendas in fact counselors on either side of the aisle can accomplish our goal hardcore conservative saviors of tradition mentalities are just as destabilizing as progressive diversity above all else agendas connections well-connected counselors are likely to feel more entitled particularly second and third years as ive said this is powerful; older counselors are naturally examples to younger ones and self-serving attitudes among your older counselors will naturally filter to the rest alcohol your counselors must be willing to break fish camps drinking policy three positive outcomes could result from this first your camp may splinter into cliques and thus create drama second you and your partner should come down on this breach in a draconian fashion creating tensions resentment and discord third alcohol can lead to poor decision-making poor choices made by your counselors can slowly chip away at the credibility of the aggie spirit selecting counselors based on these criteria ensures a large portion of your camp will feel entitled to be there unfortunately not all of your counselors will be entitled more than likely you will have several grateful passionate counselors no matter how hard you try however even a small dash of entitlement in a camp lays the foundation for dramatic selfish and inward facing camps that leave freshmens hearts hardened to the aggie spirit remember friends nothing destroys the aggie spirit faster than when its supposed protectors those tasked with showing it to others act in a way contradictory to everything being an aggie stands for you must find people like this and you must ensure they are members of fish camp 2018 best of luck this month and i look forward to learning of your progress with fond affection wormwood
to showcase a tremendous pool of talent texas a&m will be hosting its first victimhood olympics to commemorate the spring semester the vast pool of students claiming to have it the worst are finally able to prove they need the most sympathy from their peers the student recreation center has released a series of events to determine which students truly have it the worst the following four events will award points to the top scoring students in each event to determine their levels of victimhood: speed sleeping: participants will compete against one another to see who functions with the least amount of sleep the student able to function with the least amount of sleep will be named the victor this event will judged from monday until thursday figure skating: many students complain that they are shamed for being too fat or too thin competitors will rollerblade across rudder plaza in front of a panel of judges who will critique their physical appearance the student who undergoes the most verbal barrage and is still able to skate will receive the highest score this event will be held on monday afternoon following the opening ceremony cross campus classes: students are constantly whining about the difficulties they face getting to and around campus students will be timed through their choice of tuesday or wednesday routine to see which students have the hardest trek each day the two-part event will include the obstacles in getting to campus from home before measuring the difficulty of moving from the parking space to the actual classrooms for that day routes spanning from lot 100 to main campus before heading back to west campus seem to be the most competitive schedule combined: the rigors of both the work and academic schedule are combined for this event students often complain about the difficulty they face on a daily basis with getting their necessary work done students will be judged on how difficult they can make their schedule seem to others rather than the actual measurement of their work hours or course load this event will take place on thursday and will be the final event before the closing ceremony on friday interested students have time to prepare for the games starting the week of monday feb 26 following the close of the winter olympics the rec hopes these events will grow students interest and participation in the physical activities they fund with their student fees – netflix and drill
texas a&ms division of marketing and communication has long had a favorite pastime of searching for obscure meaningless rankings to post on social media the department salivates whenever a naïve freshman retweets their post with a comment such as so blessed to attend this wonderful university! recently a&m was ranked the no 4 happiest place to get the flu adding to their already impressive collection of bullshit metrics since classes began on january 17 students have been coughing complaining and repeatedly making that annoying sniffle sound while in large lecture halls it has been reported that 91 percent of undergrad and graduate students have already experienced some sort of illness this semester if you are one of the lucky 9 percent who have yet to fall ill expect an itchy throat and headache sometime within the next two weeks despite the outbreak student morale remains high the all in this together camaraderie for which aggies are famous finds no exception when it comes to flu season although the university is proud of this new no 4 ranking student health services feels obligated to improve the overall health on a&ms campus usually when a student comes in with a 105-degree fever and violent cough we just tell them its a symptom of stress said jackie shinevert nurse at the ap beutel health center however were beginning to understand that there might be more than stress spreading around our campus good bullogna
campaign season at texas a&m is now in full swing and the corps of cadets has released its annual contingent of endorsed yell leader candidates known as 5 for yell until voting concludes on february 23rd facebook will be full of campaign pictures and videos of the candidates advertising their relatability and involvement the mugdown had the opportunity to catch up with the corps yell leader candidates juniors blake jones connor joseph gavin suel and sophomores karsten lowe and reid williams in an exclusive interview hoping to prove that they are more than just winning smiles and khaki pants we asked four questions gaining insight into how they spend their time and what makes them stand out as a potential yell leader what is your favorite place to eat on campus blake jones: eat i dont have time to eat campaign season is no joke normally im living off of saltine crackers and quadbucks coffee connor joseph: papa johns at 11 pm on a friday because theyll sometimes give me their extra pizzas which is like lunch for a whole week gavin suel: the rec sandwiches are key karsten lowe: is that even a question duncan reid williams: is that even a question duncan why do you want to be a yell leader jones: i had a lot of extra time on my hands and thought to myself ‘what the heck might as well give it a shot joseph: i look really good in white suel: i was one last year and i kind of like not sleeping or having time for anything but womens soccer and basketball lowe: girls man williams: um wow i never really thought about it can i get back to you what do you like to do in your free time jones: i like sleeping and listening to power by kanye west joeseph: i like sleeping and going for a jog shirtless around the golf course suel: i like sleeping and spending quality time brushing ms reveilles hair lowe: i like to read the poetic teachings of goethe and binge-watch american vandal on netflix also i like to sleep williams: i like sleeping and lifting heavy things whats your favorite study spot on campus jones: anywhere but quadbucks that place is crawling with bootchasers joseph: study suel: theres a spot in reed arena where i sit during half-time at womens basketball games that is pretty good for studying if you can drown out the halftime shooting competition lowe: in between sets at the rec williams: quadbucks is the only place to study the constant stream of sorority girls is a nice white noise buffalo wild wags
a large portion of students at texas a&m are likely to hate the careers in their field of study engineers never really want to just be engineers forever and there are few people who think investment banking will be a good lifestyle for more than a few months but no one earning a difficult and prestigious degree who will go on to work for a well-known and successful company wants to admit they know theyre going to hate their life choices a few years into the real world over time many students develop strategies to brag about their future awful careers no group of students understands this better than students in the professional program in accounting (ppa) at mays business school ppa students are highly coveted by the worlds four largest accounting and professional services firms known as the big four: pricewaterhousecoopers kpmg ernst & young and deloitte ppa students are trained to enter public accounting otherwise known ubiquitously as the worst damn career ever most ppa students know theyre going to hate the first few years working as public accountants at the big four and have mastered the art of expressing their disdain for their future careers while also managing to brag about their smarts and success the mugdown after interviewing many ppa students has compiled the definitive guide to bragging about your future terrible career so that you too can beg for help while also seeming like an excited and successful young professional! step 1: get into a really safe really prestigious program thanking god for the opportunity while also highlighting the job security in casual conversation: im just really excited to learn more about what i want to do with my life and to have the first few years of my career already ironed out step 2: casually mention how youre so busy during recruitment season because the worlds four largest accounting firms wont leave you alone in casual conversation: you: yeah i havent really been able to study for my audit test tomorrow ive been swamped lately friend: whats going on you: oh just recruitment stuff every day kpmg had a crawfish boil yesterday pwc took us to steak dinners on tuesday ey is taking a bunch of recruits and recruiters to an escape room tonight and deloitte is throwing an open-tab happy hour at world of beer tomorrow! step 3: accept an internship while explaining it to people always make sure you mention two things: how many hours youll be working during busy season and how big of a deal your company is when asked about your internship: oh ill probably be working a lot ill be doing audit which ive heard can be a lot of time like staying at work until 1 am but the clients and opportunities at ey are pretty incredible so it will be fine step 4: post social media photos on your internship from networking events; highlight the few moments you dont spend working by showing off your cool new intern friends step 5: accept a job 18 months before your start date post about how excited you are on social media and deposit your signing bonus meanwhile tell everyone who will listen how much you hate the work you did on your internship in casual conversation: friend: wait didnt you hate your internship you: yeah but that was audit and everyone hated auditors i like my tax classes a lot so that should be fine working busy season was definitely a grind and i dont really want to do that forever you know but no one signs up for public accounting because its fun right friend: okay but what if what you want to do changes between now and when you start you: dude i just got hired at one of the best firms in the world i think ill be fine step 6: regularly belittle students who sign with lesser firms in casual conversation: you: he signed with grant thornton man i thought he was smarter than that step 7: tell everyone how youre only going to stay in for two or three years after graduation while heavily implying that your starting job is so incredible that youll be set for success for the rest of your life when asked by family what youre going to do with your life: yeah im going to go put in my time in public accounting i think i can survive a few busy seasons and make it out alive itll suck a lot but ill get paid and then i can jump off into like middle market firms or be an independent cpa whatever just need to pay my dues right fish daddy
good news for rival recruiters bad news for cliff mickelson: 5-star girlfriend riley cahill decommitted from her relationship with mickelson tuesday evening cahill who had verbally committed to mickelson last february was once considered a locked-in prospect by the mickelson camp however after official visits with her friends and unofficial visits with other guys cahill announced her decommitment on twitter first i would like to thank cliff his friends and the mickelson family for the opportunities theyve presented me cahill said its a tough decision but after talking with god and my family i am officially reopening my recruitment #roadtothering for mickelson the news is upsetting though not especially surprising cahill has received numerous offers from other high-profile suitors analysts point to her intelligence her sense of humor and the way she used to smile at mickelson when she thought he wasnt looking as the makings of a blue-chip recruit as one of college stations most sought-after relationship candidates cahill will have her pick of the litter from the towns male population sources around cahill predict her leaning towards an offer from some frathole in her pols 206 class hullakazoo
texas a&m university exists as individual colleges working in unison to advance the cause of the aggie empire this unified effort has stimulated the growth of the aggies in fields such as research and athletics and has pushed a&ms borders all the way to galveston and corpus christi but now the glory days are gone and the current state of the empire does not bode well for its future great roads that once stretched across the city are now crowded and pockmarked with potholes that inhibit their usage seasonal rains flood the streets and redirect the passage of aggies across campus construction projects are prolonged and some projects begin before others are finished leaving the campus into a perpetual state of construction the aggie spirit chariot system has been unable to provide aggies with passage across the empire as promised many have noticed that the shift in funds toward the sports programs and sports venues rather than infrastructure is indicative of something more ominous i think the money flooding the athletics program is to distract citizens from the inevitable collapse of campus said nicholas agricola a junior biomedical sciences major theyre spending money on bread and circuses to hide the problem because they recognize that the decay cant be reversed many students believe the failing conditions across campus have turned the colleges against one another without sports to distract us we were able to pay attention to the differences between the colleges said cato arellius a senior finance major every brick and tile laid during the eternal construction of the glasscock building could have been used to fix the parking lots by wehner it isnt hard to imagine the problem going away if they just allocated money from the less desirable colleges to meet the campus real needs mounting tensions between groups has caused citizens from the engineering district to raid the liberal arts district for supplies we wanted to show that our rights come first and [liberal arts students] are subservient to us said alexander sulla a junior computer engineering major if the university system cannot provide for us we will take from the lower classes what should be ours our college will survive university system or not some are still hopeful that the aggie empire can recover from this dark time and prevent the coming institutional collapse otherwise a barbaric burnt orange horde threatens to dismantle aggielands borders – netflix and drill
things were going well at dinner with his parents for junior political science major ralph gutierrez on sunday until he let a nugget of personal information slip: one of his roommates this year is openly gay his parents didnt sleep that evening the owner of the days inn on texas avenue confirmed troubled by the utter violation of social norms the couple could be heard discussing outrageous throwing out hypotheticals late into the night what if our ralphie comes home and theres just a room full of guys touching each other gutierrezs dad was overheard asking or worsewhat is he gonna do if they all start hitting on him his mother after suggesting she buy her son a rape whistle decided to confront ralph the next day at a pre-departure brunch son your father and i are very progressive she said we think that you taking in this boy is a sweet and courageous move but were not sure youve fully considered the consequences of your decision here i used to have a gay roommate and it was fine until she started coming after me and that made me very uncomfortable gutierrez reportedly tried to shift the topic of conversation several times at press time gutierrez was regretfully eating his eggs wishing he had never said anything at all howdy boo boo
junior animal science major draven esposito was scrolling through twitter earlier this month periodically chuckling at cat videos when he came across a shocking photo this photo nearly lost in a sea of basketball clips and airbrushed yell leader face shots announced that the texas a&m womens soccer team had defeated the university of arkansas to take the sec tournament championship it was not the soccer teams win that threw esposito into a trance of confusion but rather the realization that womens sports exist at texas a&m university i have always assumed tamu only had mens sports teams said esposito ive never even heard the university mention womens athletics he also expressed frustration regarding sports passes complaining that he previously believed they could only be used for football and mens basketball games i wish i could go back in time and get my moneys worth ive spent upwards of $300 a year on sports passes and had no idea i could use them to watch womens sporting events heck i didnt even know we had womens teams this season the universitys official twitter page has featured only one post alluding to the existence of womens sports and the goal of the tweet was to spread awareness about a canned food drive not womens teams one communications representative informed the mugdown that their twitter content is chosen based on ticket sales: our social media team is not concerned with season records or overall team success we post according to a financial matrix more revenue more media attention as for esposito he has become an advocate for womens sports despite their lack of media exposure he claims that following successful and competitive teams has improved his blood pressure and mental health and he hopes to spread this positivity throughout the student body squatbucks
following saturday nights victory against the university of kentucky many students have taken to twitter and snapchat to celebrate that texas a&m is now a basketball school despite the long history and success surrounding the universitys equestrian program athletic director scott woodward insists that although mens hoops is currently riding a four-game win streak including wins against #9 auburn and #24 kentucky the dynastic year-to-year performance of a&ms equestrian team makes it the ‘show horse of aggie athletics students have started to hop on the aggie basketball bandwagon ever since the team climbed as high as #5 in the ncaa rankings while the football program fell to fifth in the sec west were totally going to the final four this year! i didnt even know equestrianism was a sport said junior math major and reed rowdy reid buckets although the mens basketball team has been successful as of late the aggie equestrian team is coming off an ncea championship impressive recruiting season and trip to the white house i decided to move from the university of washington to take this job due to the depths of talent in the aggie equestrian team said woodward it really perturbs me when i go on twitter and view snapchat stories saying ‘a&m is a basketball school! over and over again its just noise to me regardless of which program is the best in aggie athletics all sides can agree texas a&m is not a football school finishing the 2017 season 7-6 the teams worst record since 2011 football boosters are in a scramble and hoping one $75 million guy can turn around the program good bullogna
on monday morning an entire class of 60 students stared in awe as sophomore jefferson steel removed his pullover jacket revealing his shredded six-pack abs in an attempt to adjust to the classrooms thermostat setting steel exhibited to his classmates that some people do stay fit in the winter it was so unexpected said summer strong freshman communications major we all sat there and expected to laugh at jefferson exposing his flabs but it caught us off-guard that he was so ripped according to eyewitnesses it might have even been an eight-pack reporters heard steel boasting about the occasion the next morning in the rec yeah i wish i had worked on my obliques just a little more before it happened but i think yesterday was a good preview for spring break said steel steel has continued wearing his pullover-style jackets to class and plans to until it is too unbearably hot outside anyone interested can find steel at gulf shores this coming spring break for the final reveal 12th man bowels
the rosenthal meat center is located in the heart of west campus providing animal science majors a place to learn about meat processing and apply those skills in the form of an on-site meat market known for its wide variety of steaks sausages and jerky the retail store will soon further diversify its offerings by selling candles in the scent that has made the rosenthal meat center famous: cow manure students making the walk from west campus garage lot 61 and lot 74 to their respective west campus academic buildings have long been subjected to rosenthals squealing pig sounds and cow manure stench every so often students get the opportunity to witness trailers unloading livestock into the back of the building sophomore bims major brittany lovegood described a recent encounter: i was just on my way to ag cafe when an f-150 carrying a giant trailer of pigs pulled right in front of me and i accidently made eye-contact with one of the little piglets who probably had no idea he was near his own fate dont look too closely something might moo at you the rosenthal meat center fully understands the thoughts and feelings that west campus students associate with their building for years students have purchased our meat products for tailgates and at-home cookouts but we wanted to offer a new product that allows students to think of us even when theyre not working a grill said hank bovine marketing director of the department of animal sciences thats why we decided to start selling manure-scented candles the meat market hopes to roll out their candle product line by early march rosenthal will wait to observe the candles performance before launching any new products but the mugdown has learned that rosenthal is contemplating entering the stuffed animal market these plush dolls will feature a chicken cow and pig and will produce a squealing noise when squeezed good bullogna
having spent the last ten minutes in his office struggling to carry on a conversation with his youngest child over the phone houston-area father walter beyer asked about texas a&ms new head football coach in a desperate attempt to connect with his son kevin beyer in college station how about that new head coach said the elder beyer on tuesday morning frantically searching for something he and his son have in common you think jimbos the right guy for us kevin beyer who has spent his college career downplaying his overwhelming stress and the emotional distance between him and his family half-heartedly feigned interest despite having no opinion of texas a&ms hiring of florida state coach jimbo fisher he seems pretty good i guess said kevin beyer possessing only a passing interest in fishers unprecedented career move himself the elder beyer persisted in steering the conversation toward fishers massive contract beyer reportedly did so while staring at an old photo on his desk of nine-year-old kevin flashing a big grin and gig ‘em sign before the aggies game against louisiana tech in 2006 upon quietly realizing that the boy he remembers carrying down the old kyle field ramps on his shoulders had little investment in the hire beyer paused before changing the subject again sources suggest that the father and son spent another ten minutes shuffling through vapid conversation topics before both parties hung up sighed and went about the rest of their day hullakazoo
it is not uncommon to see two students carpooling on a single moped especially on roads surrounding the texas a&m university campus common moped safety standards require the individual on the rear to wrap their arms around the waist of the driver however two male students were recently spotted driving along george bush drive on a moped; the male in the back cooper ver neeson tried his best to remain upright while not touching his driver in an effort to uphold his masculinity ver neeson a fifth-year construction science major and chad burman the driver know each other through their shared fraternity delta theta epsilon everybody drives on george bush said ver neeson if im seen wrapping my arms around another dude people might you know get the wrong idea theres this girl in kappa that ive been eyeing cara carmichael and that would all be thrown away if i was seen participating in moped touching ver neeson and burman fortunately arrived at their destination on northgate unscathed to prevent further moped safety violations an awareness group called one moped two passengers has begun lobbying brazos county to implement a two-hand contact policy for moped passengers similar to the hands-free communication ordinances for drivers in college station moped passengers will be required to have two points of contact with the driver said one moped two passengers president kyle reagar our main goal is to prevent moped violations and provide a safe road environment for fraternity brothers and moped chicks alike better to lose your man-card than lose your life whether the policy will be implemented has yet to be determined by the county or city governments but the reasons for enacting the law are extensive moped safety violations have doubled in the past two years and quadrupled in the last four according to a recent study by one moped two passengers the organizations slogan captures their mission statement and purpose in a single line: better to lose your man-card than lose your life buffalo wild wags
with student population on the rise demand for better application screening processes among organizations on campus is at an all-time high to meet this need iparadigms llc the company behind plagiarism-prevention service turnitincom announced thursday the release of turnyourappincom a software-as-a-service based on similar proprietary technology the service will offer texas a&m student organizations the capability to test membership applications for a match of up to 99% similarity with current members iparadigms ran beta tests of turnyourappin with mens social organizations at texas a&m with much success we noticed that some of their screening processes werent really sufficient said the products creator samuel better organizations that specialize in tailgating and heavy drinking were making guys show up in suits to a professional interview it would be like having a ballerina audition in business casual its not a recipe for success mens orgs were looking for a very specific combination of behaviors body language and interest in adult activities like gambling and drinking without challenging classic masculine norms like objectifying women or being afraid of gay people we realized that we were uniquely qualified to provide that indiversity a function on the site allows organizations to pick members that look different but actually think the same what organizations really wantespecially at the college levelis to avoid change as much as possible said better while there are a plethora of tools available for recruiting this tool stands alone in that it allows selections committees to pick applicants who have atypical backgrounds and most importantly skin tones but wont mount a serious challenge to the accepted norms of the organization this feature is particularly useful for massive organizations like fish camp that process countless applications every year former co-chair rebecca nightingale is very excited about the prospect noting that her camps photos would have been greatly improved by the indiversity feature that sets a minimum on non-white students honestly every camp talks about its unique culture and values said nightingale but in reality we cycle through the same set of skits and use an almost formulaic approach to building out four days of scheduling really the only unique characteristics are the quantity of inside jokes and level of partying post-lakeview and we can actually use this site to set desired levels of each in our candidates! nightingale is excited to have a website that will assign each applicant into existing fish camp stereotypes so she doesnt need to read thousands of applications the site will exit beta testing on february 1st and will be fully integratable into your organizations application process by the end of the month howdy boo boo
welcome to the muggies presented by the mugdown writers guild this is the first awards article meant to honor our best pieces of the year after taking a look at everything the mugdown has published in 2017 our writers voted on which pieces they liked best across a variety of categories like any actual awards show we started with minor categories like hottest take and best reader comments then we worked our way towards important categories such as best sga article and best uncoventionally formatted article now the moment weve all been waiting for… best battalion burn its not hard to sense the tension between the mugdown and the battalion this rivalry goes back almost four years and like the tu vs a&m clash will likely never end over the years we have certainly published a lot of crap to garner likes there is one example that stands out…however it appears we are not alone this year our friends at the battalion made some similar mistakes and it quickly inspired our batt burn of the year winner: student newspaper mastermind behind controversies best christian bubble piece there was no contest here though the christian bubble is perhaps a&m best known (and easiest to mock) clique on campus this thorough breakdown of the tensions between catholics and protestants neatly and accurately explained a rarely reported on phenomenon winner: catholics to hold referendum seek independence from christian bubble hottest take every year we present controversial satirical perspectives on the hottest issues on campus one of these hot topics is the recent construction of a hotel on campus the general consensus of our student body is a resounding no! including a passionate hiss from the student section during one of our last home games of the season yet there are some major pros that we arent discussing more revenues means less income required from student fees and a&m is one of many schools with first class hotels on campus winner: students upset university working second job at hotel to provide for them best reader comments our audience is notorious for its sophisticated taste and appreciation for satire yet every once in a while we have a reader who just doesnt get it this is especially true of one of our edgier articles winner: students dunk rings in massive piles of cocaine here are some highlights: … and we normally like the mugdown best transportation piece during mugdown transportation week in which we provided a must needed vehicle for protest on the crumbling infrastructure of our wonderful little texas town a lot of interesting think-pieces were presented runner up: texas a&m transportation services to block off all roads on game day this article was a unique insight into the insane traffic management inabilities of texas a&m yet it didnt fully incorporate the experience of dealing with transportation on a&ms campus one article did winner: another bus follows: a transportation horror story best social organization piece runners up: women go to northgate excited for night of being disrespected sorority increases diversity through new t-shirt color options after the rise of #metoo and fall of so many in hollywood issues related to societys treatment of women have attained even more relevance women go to northgate excited for night of being disrespected uniquely highlights the predicament many young women feel on campus in addition womens organizations deserve some scrutiny for their inability to create truly diverse communities yet the winner of this award goes above and beyond criticizing the bar scene or womens organizations it targets a fundamental issue in society we need to improve on: the way men interact with women especially on college campuses winner: girl marks herself safe after fraternity party best administration piece runners up: football player released to prevent campus conversation finding your purpose still unexcused absence upholds university well this one wasnt easy given the perplexity of so many decisions a profound diversity of campus controversies and an almost deliberately silent leadership (except the occasional mass email) countless mugdown articles have gone after our administrators we will never be able to count finding a job as a valid reason for missing class or be able to have a football program without controversy however we will need to change our attitude towards student health resources simply put the move to white creek was tough on students and a&m needs to understand the implications of their decision our winner hit the nail on the head winner: student disabilities moved to galveston campus best student life piece we divided this category into to two loosely-defined imperfect categories: academic and social academic runners up: riots over unassigned assigned seat sparks revolution reckless moron thinks its okay to bike on sidewalks evans library to become six-story starbucks upperclassmen upset the commons actually livable our nominees this year managed to hit on life experiences that are truly relatable this senior is certainly upset that freshmen are no longer subjected to commons pasta and weve all gotten into a passive aggressive battle over an unofficial seating chart in classes reckless moron inspired countless spinoffs and presented a point of view that felt vaguely refreshing to hear out loud but realistically there is one statement that stands truer than all the rest academic winner: texas a&m ranked #1 in bullshit metric social runners up: bootchasing makes way for boot investors student spends 45 minutes browsing netflix forced to microwave food again report: no one wants to go to your thing drunk mom caught with fake id on northgate in many ways the most interesting offshoot of our ring by spring culture is fetishizing zips in the corps though there are a lot of nights that cant be spent simply chasing corps boys and sometimes we find ourselves in the saddest and loneliest states of our lives like leaving food in the microwave while drooling all over the remote while its absolutely true that apathy towards events is a real problem on a&ms campus there is an even bigger epidemic of parents trying to buddy up with their newly legal children to really capture the heart of our universitys social experience our winner wrote a piece that spoke to us all social winner: absolutely outrageous group of friends go to whataburger late at night best student government piece have you ever seen shark week during this most recent student body president election attending texas a&m felt kind of like that the events just kept coming: a last second disqualification of the winner our own outrageous disqualification an op-ed written by white house leadership and then a borderline offensive lawsuit and then silence all fall the only real controversy is about a statue of a man of color and despite a few unfortunate comments on the subject nothing really generated the buzz weve come to expect our nominees generally focus on the frenzy during the spring these articles range from discussing the fallout of our election cycle to an alarmingly accurate comparison to international conflict they also included an underloved extension of some of the mundane student senate debates runners up: election commissioner braces for consequences of doing job well glowstick vigil held to raise awareness for the plight of the wealthy and well-connected opinion: when is student senate going to condemn nicholas cages character in national treasure but alas there can only be one winner which is why our response to an op-ed about our sbp election written by rick perry secretary of energy and member of the cabinet of the president of the united states (while he was serving!) is deserving of our best sga piece of the year winner: rick perry now reveals russia tampered in tamu student body elections best unconventionally formatted piece here at the mugdown we specialize in delivering salient satirical news to your doorstep this typically takes the form of ap-style news updates which allow us to live up to the standards of our journalistic forefathers from time to time however we stray away from our traditional article formats and bring you journalism from a variety of perspectives our nominees reference all aspects of student life from our administrations approach to handling controversy to top tips for social media engagement we also compared an a&m tradition to christmas via a rather polite complaint to our editor in addition some of our newest writers infiltrated the most intimate depths of campus life from illuminating pieces on corps hazing to exploitation of innocent social organizations during songfest runners up: the entire office of the president is out and will be back in fifteen minutes mugd 121: fundamentals of aggie social media letter to the editor: it seems like maroon out season comes sooner every year 50 shades of khaki the true cost of songfest but our champion this year isnt just a champion in the figurative sense it quite literally won 6 positions in our student government yes folks our most creative and influential piece of the year wasnt an article at all: it was a political campaign winner: elect the mugdown thank you for joining us for this years muggies were excited to see you in the 2018 spring semester!
40 and gos northgate location will be offering specials this week to prepare for upcoming final examinations while group tutoring rates will stay at $8+ per hour the tutoring service will be serving northgate-esque beverages at a discounted price founded in 1994 40 and go has long been located in a strip center off texas avenue but the companys northgate expansion locates the tutoring service between chimys and bar 12 two popular northgate establishments december is considered a confusing time for 40 and go as students find themselves conflicted between going to tutoring or bars to prepare for finals sure i should be going to mgmt 209 tutoring for four hours but id much rather pound a dr pepper shootout at chimys said bryce dillenger a sophomore industrial distribution major 40 and gos recent attendance has fallen with students like dillenger opting for a night out with friends rather than middle-aged tutors in response 40 and go has opened a full service bar inside its building offering a wide variety of northgate favorites like pickle shots and chuggers additionally they provide specials such as $1 wells and $2 domestic drafts to go along with their expansive beverage menu 40 and gos management spoke on the new feature: we understand how stressful finals are for students and we are aware of the necessity of alcohol to cope with the stress by opening a bar inside our northgate location we combine two activities that are needed in order for students to survive classes like mgmt 211 and phys 201 on top of providing a full service bar the tutoring services employees will also act as a wait staff during group sessions customers will no longer have to leave their seats as they learn about ionic and covalent bonds while being served their favorite mixed drinks competitor chimys looks to counter this move from 40 and go by offering tutoring services for select business and engineering classes good bullogna
its official: jimbo fisher will take over head coaching duties at texas a&m out of pity effective immediately rumors that fisher was pursuing the opportunity to help the less fortunate have come to fruition according to fisher leaving his prestigious position at florida state to focus on charity work was a tough but necessary choice winning a championship and regularly competing for conference titles is fun said fisher but i could not in clear conscience ignore the ongoing tragedy in college station someone has to do whats right and help out the little guy fisher has reportedly already initiated relief efforts within the aggie football program however early roadblocks to recovery have arisen i tried going over a basic offensive scheme with the players and it was as if i was speaking a different language said fisher i would say ‘deep route and they thought i was trying to say ‘bubble screen its going to take some patience and care to get these guys to resemble a competitive football team in addition to volunteering full-time with the a&m football team fisher has established a research endowment with the school of medicine to treat battered aggie syndrome researchers are somewhat hopeful but are still skeptical about finding a cure hullakazoo
another semester has flown by which means its time once again to say goodbye to our own graduating senior members just as one anxiously waits for the next bit of our content to reach the public so have these friends of ours been waiting to be made known to the world their time contributing to the mugdown is coming to an end but the legacy and satire they leave behind will live on congratulations to our graduating seniors!
on tuesday afternoon texas a&m archaeologists announced the discovery of ancient artifacts that suggest some sort of ritualistic thanksgiving conflict between a&m and the university of texas the new findings as reported by dr ted goebel contradict the strongly-held administrative belief that a&m and ut are not rivals and indeed have always been better off ignoring each other researchers recovered numerous antique video clips box score records and unauthorized profane merchandise that point to a yearly conflict fought between the aggie and longhorn football teams surprisingly these battles appear to have been carried out on school campuses (rather than a neutral site owned by an egomaniacal billionaire) on thanksgiving a time historically devoted to the annual a&m-lsu rivalry game while the universitys administration has allowed goebels findings to be published they vehemently deny such a conflict ever existed nope nope nope said athletic director scott woodward our records show no such thing a&m and ut have always been acquaintances at best lsu is our rival innovation is tradition ignorance is strength please come to our volleyball games the mugdown reached out to ut representatives by phone call for comment on the discovery they responded by giggling and repeating 27-25 baby until they got bored and hung up hullazakoo
as members of an organization widely considered to be the worst organization for new members freshmen or fish in the corps of cadets expressed sympathy for the new littles in sororities though freshmen cadets often seem like the most poorly-treated new members of any group on campus many are glad they dont face the systematic abuse of the big/little system many agree that it is better to have someone be overtly horrible than pretend to love them and be catty behind their back crawling through the mud early on wednesday morning fish jones was reportedly thankful he was not a sorority little while being verbally abused by his upperclassmen and encouraged to quit fish jones was thankful for the honest dislike rather than feigned compassion in addition this harassment concluded with the opportunity to become a full member of the corps freshmen known for complaining about the abuse they face expressed their gratitude for the fact that passive aggression was less common in the corps than in greek life being a fish is better than serving as an instagram prop getting dragged to parties or being the sober sister for your big said fish jones i would take being forced to eat in a peculiar way at duncan over having to sit through awkward sorority family dinner dates another freshman expressed his gratitude over the corps process in which you are treated poorly before being welcomed rather than the opposite being forced to earn my place in the group allowed me to form a true brotherhood with my fellow fish said freshman political science major colin agnew ive never had to doubt my relationship with by classmates what we have to deal with binds us together the opinion is not only commonplace amongst the class of 2021 but shared with their upperclassmen as well my girlfriend is in a sorority and talked about sisterhood all recruitment but constantly complains about the drama said audie custo a sophomore philosophy major i am glad i can just yell at [the fish] and be horrible to their faces; i dont have to pretend i enjoy being around them covered in mud and sweat fish jones stood in line with his sixteen fish buddies as their sophomores the masterminds of their torment went down the line congratulating them and pinning their corps brass on their combat uniforms the semester of hardship far outweighed anything a big or the round of gifts could have provided lil event & netflix and drill
aggie ring weekend fills college station with excitement exponentially-increased alcohol sales and an uncomfortable amount of parents this past friday 2 800 aggies received their coveted piece of gold bringing well over 5 000 parents to campus while some families only stick around for the 30 second ring presentation and two hour photography session other moms dads and extended family members make ring day a weekend-long celebration and commemorate their childs accomplishments by getting absolutely trashed on northgate one mother was caught attempting to use a fake id at mama sake on saturday night eyewitnesses report that the woman described as caucasian with shoulder-length blonde/gray hair and a petite build was stopped at the door of the bar upon presenting her drivers license to the bouncer the bouncer began questioning the clearly middle-aged mom as to why she was in possession of a 22 year olds identification card the woman confirmed to be karen dickerson class of 1989 started arguing with the mama sake staff what are you talking about this is me! i look mature for my age she slurred while stumbling into various other sake patrons still waiting to get inside of course nearby law enforcement immediately stepped in to mitigate the tense situation dickerson was escorted from the premises for suspected public intoxication and her fake id was confiscated a few bystanders were available for a statement after the incident some moms just wanna feel younger i guess but she mustve had a pretty pathetic fake for sake to catch it said karl lacherbachen a performance studies masters student a college station police department spokesman said the department regularly deals with fraudulent forms of identification but could not recall a time in which someone used a fake id to appear younger than they actually are were proud of how our team handled this said sharon mackrell chief of police its easy to let down your guard on nights when most of the northgate patrons are in their 40s and 50s but this situation reminded us how important it is to remain focused on our duty mackrell also mentioned that college station police are planning to implement a 3-part identification check for any patrons who order drinks on northgate those wishing to consume alcohol will be required to present an id birth certificate and passport dickersons daughter randi declined to comment and has yet to post about ring weekend on social media but we can only imagine her embarrassment squatbucks
senior management major john francis could not have been more excited to receive his aggie ring on fridays ring day although he cannot avert his loving gaze from his new piece of gold francis has found that it is not everything he expected he spent the week before ring day at a career fair networking with companies in hopes of having something to do after college without the power of aggie gold on his right hand however he felt like he had no chance i know i would have gotten more interviews had i just gotten my ring a week earlier said francis everyone knows if you dont have an aggie ring youll be without a job instead of gold shining in the recruiters face it was my 24 gpa after ring day francis was excited to get back in the game of securing his future employment francis sent follow-up emails to the companies he interviewed with and happened to include a few pictures of his new ring there is no way i wont get called back for office interviews said francis i needed to prove that i was a real aggie and not just someone leveraging the school to get a job unfortunately francis never heard back from the companies to which he applied other than rejection emails stating that it was nice meeting him and maybe [their] paths will cross again what a waste said francis you spend all this money trying to differentiate yourself and end up the same as everyone else i guess ill have to find a drawer to put my ring in for safekeeping in case i ever find a use for it through francis trials he did come upon one realization: i think this is really just a sign telling me i need to take a gap year i mean its ridiculous to expect a college student to finish school and just ‘start working i think my parents will understand me living with them for a little longer once they realize that too 12th man bowels
the mugdown sends a journalist headfirst into the world of chi omegas songfest texas a&ms largest philanthropy event only to discover a system built almost entirely on social obligation i walk into the room reserved at the rec for our songfest rehearsal todays agenda: a complete run-through of the mens dance in which college-aged men strut their assets and desperately grasp at rhythmic purity next we will drill the partner dance where two separate groups of paired couples will learn complimentary routines the room is too small for this many people 45 guys and 45 girls crammed into a space designed for yoga or instruction it smells like sweat everyone is dressed in halloween costumes when i learned that my next assignment was an investigation into the world of songfest i had no idea what i might find ive travelled the world reporting for the mugdown and investigated some unforgettable things but nothing ive done draws any parallels to participating in songfest songfest is hosted by the sorority chi omega and the dance competition has been held annually for the past forty years according to the events website: in a high-energy 2 day event nearly 30 student organizations from all over texas a&ms campus compete in songfest to win money for their philanthropies each performance is comprised of two organizations who have chosen to partner up for the songfest season…performers incorporate carefully choreographed dance numbers costumes props music & passionate spirits to create each of their unique performances clearly my experiences investigating human rights abuses at the 4c corps of cadets correctional center or uncovering the universitys efforts to launder money through its qatar campus werent going to be of any use to me on this assignment i was going in blind i was embedded within the virtuous men of aggieland an all-male organization at texas a&m vma is one of the oldest non-greek all-male fraternities at texas a&m and has a work hard play hard reputation when it comes to songfest i became a brother in vma in the months leading up to the competition; i joined them at rehearsals meetings and social events partnered with the virtuous men of aggieland was the sorority chi rho also known for its dedication to songfest chi rho won songfest in 2014 and has been eager to emerge victorious once again this is the weakest shit ive ever seen you need to step up you need to win this lester ohagen is president of virtuous men of aggieland he is dressed as a bike cop complete with a helmet and clear safety glasses that are clearly meant more for a wood shop than practical wear hes pulling it off o hagen addresses the crowd: frankly this isnt that hard five of you were late today six more missed practice yesterday i dont know why none of you give even give a damn about about [our philanthropy] gods reign christian obedience camp! they need us to win in two weeks after all of the hours that our amazing partners have put into this after all the work that went into our [teletubbies-inspired] choreography and after all the hours you have put into practice so far this is the weakest shit ive ever seen you need to step up you need to win this because right now we arent even going to get top three lester ohagen a senior supply chain management major presides over the virtuous men of aggieland as they labor for songfest i am duty-bound to ensure that these men will someday find solace in their exertion inspired by ohagens rousing appeal the vma boys began with renewed vigor it is starting to come together and the soundtrack fades from welcome to the jungle to sorry the dance teams transition from the last partner dance a scene in which the teletubbies fight the tubby custard machine to the finale of their performance where the baby-faced sun a widely-respected fifth year senior sets and finally goes to bed there is much discussion about facials if the judges can see you counting with your lips points get deducted instructs chi rhos dance leader sady santa-cruz we put on our best game faces upon the conclusion of rehearsal leadership from vma and chi rho distribute t-shirts to the participants we hit 100%! shouts santa-cruz the group that reaches full shirt-sales are awarded the opportunity to select their position in the performance lineup no group who started in the first half of the performance has ever seen victory songfest is the largest annual philanthropic event on texas a&ms campus but just how big is it the statistics behind songfest are mind numbing: nearly 7 500 tickets are sold across three performances 4 000 t-shirts and 28 organizations yet that pales in comparison to the sheer amount of labor contributed by dancers lets break it down: top tier competitors typically put in about three hours a week for six weeks followed by two 15-hour weeks of run-throughs leading up to the shows this combined with the 12 hours devoted to actually warming up and performing comes out to nearly 60 total hours for the most committed organizations assuming not every group is rehearsing as much as vma i am sticking to a more conservative estimate of 40 hours per competitor: each organization enlists 45 members to spend their weeks rehearsing… …and there are 28 groups represented across 14 teams the result is over 50 400 hours of labor dedicated to songfest i failed my accounting 327 test junior finance major lincoln applegate says to me lincoln is a member of vma another one of my new brothers were at logies its 1:15 am after a fun thursday night and everyone is hammered i asked lincoln what happened i couldnt get in the study time i needed i already had to miss a practice for a doctors appointment and we just werent able to nail the flip so i couldnt miss another one an impressive physical trick a guy flipping a girl in some way separates the wheat from the chaff in the judges scoring one chi rho sister dislocated her shoulder last week while practicing the maneuver and is going to have surgery in december stephanie emili dislocated her shoulder practicing her songfest routine but is deferring her surgery until after the final performance the rigorous boot camp-like training over the past two weeks has been unbelievably taxing on everyone in order to persevere ive had to build strong relationships with otherwise distant members of vma their primary responsibility up to this point is just driving the older guys around and now we get to see if they can pull us over the finish line lincoln is just one of many guys who ive actually gotten to know as a result of this process though it took a while he landed his trick for the first time this week as a result of the competition various organizations are granted massive glorious checks to present to their various philanthropies amounts vary annually depending on how much is raised but nearly $70 000 is set aside initially for chi omega to donate to their national and local philanthropy and the remaining funds are split among participating organizations an act that places will typically earn an additional $1 000–$3 000 to split most organizations can labor for nearly 1 800 hours to net a mere $365 dollars extra for their philanthropies yet to achieve these results acts have to devote not only time but money a dancer buys at least one official songfest t-shirt typically more he or she then has to purchase a costume in our case a teletubbies hat costs $20 a head a colored t-shirt from a bulk order costs $4 and the correct colored shorts cost a final $10 not to mention that each participant was asked to come with good socks my dance partner and iin fact our entire quadrant from the partner danceare performing as the telebubbies character poe i already have the red shirt bright red socks on amazon came out to $989 though i was able to split it with a few other partners it is difficult to find raw data on the subject but a poll of my peers in other organizations such as the texas a&m hawaiian shirts club and aggie sisters in service yield similar results each dancer spends an average of $30 just to make themselves look the part for the performance but does this spending turn into meaningful contributions to philanthropies when we zoom out these contributions do not create truly meaningful impacts for their organizations the best possible outcome is victory: the group (a pair of two organizations) that takes first place is awarded $8 000 for the philanthropic organizations the two organizations represent the $8 000 is then split in half among the two partnered student organizations for disbursement to the philanthropy after an estimated average cost of $2 135 dollars a student organization who wins songfest nearly doubles their money not a bad return on investment but the returns immediately collapse beginning as early as second place most organizations can labor for nearly 1 800 hours to net a mere $365 dollars extra for their philanthropies during my time with the virtuous men of aggieland i have spent nearly sixty hours on songfest meaning i have allocated more time to our performance than ive spent in two of my 3-hour courses combined these organizations earn roughly $020 per hour each person works comparable to child labor wages in pakistan and india i set out on a mission to learn what went on in the thicket of the songfest world but after all the monetary costs gruelling rehearsals and even a serious injury i see how one can get so wrapped up in the competition that they lose sight of what is really happening throughout my time with the virtuous men of aggieland i felt investedi felt that maybe this is all worth it i find myself explaining away all that weve suffered simply because frankly im proud of our choreographed dance especially the one in which noo noo the vacuum cleaner performs a double flip over me and my partner i find myself explaining away all that weve suffered simply because frankly im proud of our choreographed dance the reason lincoln gave up an a in accounting 327 the reason why stephanie tore her shoulder the reason why vma spent more than $2 000 on costumes and the reason why i am here is pretty simple: social obligation on a quest for greater glory we show up to support our friends behind the façade of philanthropy we show up to feel good we may not even mind the true cost of songfest howdy boo boo is a reporter for the mugdown and will be performing alongside the virtuous men of aggieland and chi rho at songfest performances will occur on november 17th and 18th 2017 howdy boo boo & north by northgate
across the quad lads for commandant and university said fish junger before blowing the whistle on his lanyard twelve freshmen ran across the quad under fire from the possibility of having to salute bulls and greet upperclassmen the first four fell where they stood brought down by shin splints another three collapsed when the unit was ambushed by several pissheads coming out of quadbucks the remaining fish stumbled across the arches having survived the charge over no mans land it was a story replayed every hour for the past several months as the fish waited for the corps brass offensive to start every year the fish class partakes in a two-week-long blitz at the end of november that brings them to the limit of physical exhaustion and initiates them as members of the corps this tradition is the focal point for bringing together any fish class and forming a lifelong bond that every former member of the corps remembers however due to freshmen attrition the past few months this event has been the latest to face the chopping block this years fish class had no idea of the horror that waited for them on the quad out of necessity i must cancel the corps brass offensive said commandant joe ramirez in order to remain the guardians of tradition we must sacrifice one of our most honored nothing we do seems to be increasing the survivability of freshmen not even changing the uniforms to better match the winter terrain if we go through with the current plan for corps brass we just might lose them all in the past individual outfits gave up their little t traditions to help improve the semesters retention with nothing left for the office of the commandant to take away other than removing what little purpose upperclassmen have left attrition has yet to decrease frankly i am surprised we have the numbers that we do now; the corps has never seen attrition like this said cadet commander brad sauer every year we take more traditions away and every year more freshmen quit at this rate i have no idea who will be left to protect and preserve traditions on this campus though the corps is comprised of four levels all the focus is on the freshmen class issues that plague upperclassmen have been ignored in light of the devastation bringing the newest generation to ruin these same cadets no longer have the power to train the freshmen to a level that would allow them to survive the horrors they face in cadet life as a result of the losses with the corps brass offensive cancelled many question if the corps will be able to continue keeping the spirit most say that the end of this tradition will be the end of all tradition – netflix and drill
pups for pals a texas a&m organization that provides volunteers to train service dogs announced this week that the phrase please give me dirty looks! i havent earned kindness! will be sewn into the right side of dogs vests the updated vests to be instated in january will address concerns of the organizations trainers especially concerns about the universitys student population president of pups for pals mariella abarca-catalan a senior animal science major said that the organization is constantly searching for new ways to improve not only their trainers but the trainees as well this particular change addresses the need for consistency in training if all they get is smiles then all theyre going to want is smiles head scratches and candy said abarca-catalan they need to know that what they signed up for isnt happy all the time in fact its never happy its a job 24/7 but that was their choice proponents of the new addition claim that the university as a whole would benefit from the changes to the vest a spokesperson for texas a&ms mascot reveille has publicly given approval for the changes the spokesperson claimed that while reveille was supportive of all fellow canines she would not object to more concentrated amounts of love jez albertson junior biomedical sciences major is interested in how these changes will bring energy to the universitys student population albertson believes that smiling at passing service dogs drains students of essential serotonin levels there is only so much kindness to go around albertson said molly kita a senior poultry science major and vice-president of pups for pals is a self-described advocate for this change it is important that everyone knows their roles said kita trainers are in charge of not only the dog but the people as well a smile is like a gateway drug for a dog; if they get a taste of the high theyre just going to start spiraling out of control blue baker
early monday morning senior religious studies major ignatius loyola announced the intent of the texas a&m catholic community to hold a referendum to officially secede from the christian bubble and form an independent catholic bubble calls for an independent catholic bubble reached a fever pitch this year after impact reportedly asked catholic staff members to either comply with impacts statement of beliefs which differs significantly from catholic beliefs or to leave loyola cited several key disparities between aggie catholics and the primarily protestant christian bubble as irreconcilable differences that have been driving the two groups apart for years these differences include the understanding of salvation transubstantiation in the eucharist and the idea that catholics at a&m are simply more fun genuine and accepting than the rest of the bubble i know were all christians but man some of the protestants in this town are just the worst said loyola have you ever tried to go to those ‘non-denominational baptist churches with the really edgy names if youre not part of the bubble or if youre catholic its as lonely as walking into a new school when youre a kid but it lasts forever another driver of the secession movement according to loyola is an overwhelming desire from catholics to end association with the same condescending piety that is often ascribed to other areas of the christian bubble when we say ‘youre welcome here and we want to get to know you at least we mean it said loyola other parts of the christian bubble are all talk and no substance and that just doesnt define our community christian bubble leadership alarmed by this development announced that the christian bubbles shock-troops byx bca and amc have surrounded st marys and are prepared to take control should the catholics take steps towards independence an anonymous bca contact cited the strategic importance of st marys as the primary reason the catholics need to stay in the fold st marys and a&m united methodist are the most important strongholds in northgate and we need to control their parking lots said the source we like drinking just as much as normal people but we cant afford for bca cars to be seen mixing with the drunks st marys parking is the perfect mix of distance and discrepancy for us despite repeated warnings from christian bubble leadership loyola plans to move forward with the referendum the movement is being carefully monitored by other religious organizations including the jewish federation and atheist alliance the christians are so strong that we need to exploit any weaknesses to gain footing in this town said atheist alliance czar matthew broadshanks if the catholics break off well be ready to capitalize on the chaos fish daddy
boot investing the act of buying stock in a freshman cadet early on so that one may reap the benefits of senior boots in the future has spread in popularity as a new practice for catching male cadets for years bootchasers have roamed the quad desperately searching for a senior cadet with whom they could settle down; however with this new method many have found success in their investment ventures and have earned the ultimate return on investment: an engagement ring an alternative to the typical act of bootchasing boot investing has proven to be a less risky expenditure as male freshmen cadets are much easier to tie down and manipulate than seniors recently-engaged senior and known boot investor jessica pedersen took the necessary steps in order to secure her future as a freshman pedersen spent her first few weeks on campus with cadets scanning the market for one worthy of acquisition the real secret is offering them charity; fish just want to be taken care of said pederson thats how you close the deal when i told him he could do his laundry at my apartment i knew he was mine im also way classier than those bootchasers ive been here since the beginning low quarters and all those tramps just sit in quadbucks and objectify senior cadets on instagram opinions regarding this new trend vary among cadets those in favor like the idea of their future spouse investing in their future and supporting them throughout all four years of college and the corps however other cadets see boot investing as cunning and manipulative its all a scam! said ian richland a junior cadet in company e-2 im so glad my girlfriend isnt doing this or else i wouldnt be proposing to her next fall we met at fish camp and have been dating ever since shes the furthest thing from a boot investor though the investment markets have been sluggish due to poor performance in the football sector and devaluation of first deck tickets they are speculated to recover with corps outfits planning events for the upcoming holiday season it is estimated the male cadet market will reach an all-time high peaking at holiday on the quad before leveling out at start of the spring semester lil event
the culinary scene in college station has been forever altered after the introduction of a local cooking personality gorden speer has become the de facto authority on cooking after managing to actually feed himself real food for once speer rose to stardom in the kitchen last week after preparing spaghetti for his roommates speer took a culinary risk to deviate from the crunchwrap supremes and frozen hungry man dinners fueling the apartment after an over-cluttered freezer and day-drinking binge prevented him from obtaining his usual means of sustenance speer found noodles and a jar of sauce in the back of the pantry speer was more than happy to share what brought him to uncover this hidden ability with literally anyone he met when i found the ingredients in the pantry something within me clicked and i knew what i had to do said speer a junior mathematics major since that very first dish i just cant stop cooking i have prepared oven chicken breast tacos and chili for my roommates since uncovering this talent speers roommates are not so sure of his triple threat capabilities in the kitchen however with hungry man being replaced by hamburger helper and ricearoni the quality of food hasnt increased by much he just uses hamburger helper and thinks hes some kind of chef said kyle ellison a member of the household he makes the most basic dishes and then touts that he is the next bobby flay speer has reportedly started looking for ways to monetize his new hobby outside of his home ive thought about trying to sell either a cookbook or start some type of cooking show said speer americas next top collegiate chef maybe i can market my own crock pot or cutting board line for college students i think i definitely have the talent for that kind of following speer was last seen trying to expand his cooking abilities beyond something a high schooler could prepare his last facebook status let the eager community know that he was attempting an original chicken quesadilla recipe which would soon be available on his fan page – netflix & drill
saying he likely will not show up junior political science major mark shelly told reporters friday he does not want to go to your thing this announcement followed a long series of social media notifications text message conversations and polite reminders in casual conversation the news of shellys disinterest adds to the long list of rejected invitations historically these friends have been to one maybe two of your things and it does not seem likely that this historic precedent will be undone with your latest event studies show that at time of press approximately 57 percent of the people who committed to attending that thing on friday have already found an excuse to not go friends cited various reasons for not being able to show u including starting a nap that will definitely extend past the start of your thing and vague references to already having plans i already got invited to three dunks that night said oscar buskirk the sort of friend who you would likely be excited to see in person but with whom you would quickly run out of conversation topics many facebook friends were reported to have actually clicked on the notification and briefly read the description before clicking ignore though most respondents said the event looked like a nice experience for a noble cause or just sheer fun sources sources familiar with the matter reported a sense of surprise that such an inconvenient time was chosen several brave outsiders even chose to entirely ignore the invitation postponing their decision to not attend until a few minutes before the event formally begins when is the next one going to be asked sophomore kelly bennison who has no intention of attending any of your future events ive really been meaning to go! said the flat-out liar who is never ever going to be at one of your things at press time most of the people who are not going to your thing promised to themselves to make half-hearted attempts at apologies the next time they saw you however the mugdown has been unable to confirm any legitimate effort on their part howdy boo boo
last semester the texas a&m student body found out that their very own university has been trying to crack down on cheaters and neer-do-wells by surveilling them through laptop webcams after learning about the university hacking into their computers and spying on them many students have been fighting back to help protect their privacy with little money and a whole lot of creativity college students have been using new state-of-the-art technology to block a&ms signal to their webcams there are rebels in every class and study area because of how popular this new tactic has become sticky notes the unsung heroes of the movement towards internet security have been spotted on almost every laptop on campus belonging to those with the courage to stand up against the man i think that this is the best way to keep our private life private said rebecca flemington a junior business major i mean nobody wants to be looked at when they are studying in the library or taking notes in class my face is personal and i dont want anyone to see it there has been a lot of outrage about security in the past several months and flemington claims that if everyone were to put a sticky note over their computer cameras then nobody would be able to spy on average rule following students despite its simplicity millions of dollars and countless hours of surveillance research are rendered useless by sticky notes there is nothing we can do about it; the university can no longer spy on students if they have sticky notes over their webcams said michael rogers director of the texas a&m honor council we catch so many cheaters and liars by spying on these kids but now we have to send actual agents to sit in on lectures to do surveillance most students are concerned with people looking at their faces 24/7 and sticky notes seem to do the trick the movement was avalanched into effect by local whistleblower eddie winters who was also concerned with the university looking at his face without his permission winters used to work for the honor council and when he found out about a&m spying on students he blew the lid off of the project and defected to baylor the main problem students have with the university spying on them is that they do not believe a&m has been taking proper security measures to protect their technology i know that sooner or later they will have a breach and every pervert on campus will be able to hack my computer and see my face through my own camera claims flemington when asked why she doesnt have sticky notes on her iphones front and rear facing camera flemington ignored the question while putting a snapchat video on her story whoop-tang clan
last thursday college station resident dorothy madders spoke at the college station city council meeting demanding a second big event for the fall semester despite the big event being a texas a&m university committee many locals have complained that students partying during aggie gameday weekends has resulted in lots of beer cans trash and bottles in their residential neighborhoods the amount of garbage i have to pick up from my yard on sunday mornings is too damn high! said madders to the council we need these students to do the big event in the fall in addition to the spring! madders provided exhibits a and b (below) as evidence of her call to action: exhibit a exhibit b university students have expressed a negative reaction to a 2nd big event i already have to sacrifice one of my mornings in the spring what makes the old people think i want to clean up after myself in the fall said candy mcdonald a junior ag economics major since 1982 the big event has been a way for the student body of texas a&m to say thank you to the residents of bryan/college station back then one annual big event was enough to satisfy the bryan/college station residents from the burden left behind by a student population of 35 000 now with the number of students nearly doubled b/cs locals find it only fair that the number of big events get doubled too it doesnt help that the football team has been so bad recently said jim burgandy a bryan resident and supporter of madders initiative it has been theorized that poor football performance over recent years has increased student alcohol consumption and house parties in order to cope with defeat a survey conducted at the historic district found that over time the worse the aggie football team has performed the more beer can trash per yard in the historic district has occured: *2017 number of wins estimated by mugdown analytics per madders proposal to the city council the second big event would take place next saturdayarguably too short of a time period to cover all logistics when madders was asked why such a short turnaround she commented i need these students to also hurry up and repaint my porch before it gets too cold to enjoy! good bullogna
it was recently uncovered that texas a&m officials and professors have been using construction science students for free labor with high construction costs a concern for this perpetually growing campus staff of the university attempted to decrease costs by exploiting students many of the students did not realize that they were the subjects of unfair work treatment i did think it was weird that my class requirements changed to five labs per semester said reginald dobsley a junior construction science student this abuse began before the rec center was under construction since then students have spent countless hours at work sites for the commons the quad and the new on-campus hotel my professor told me that i was getting hands-on experience and it would help me get an internship but the twelve hour workdays have really wiped me out said dobsley as if the offense was not blatant enough the construction science department required upper level students to serve their internship within the confines of texas a&ms campus these students are to thank for many of the newest and most desired establishments like the white creek apartments even freshmen had to survey campus before being allowed to register for classes after dozens of mysterious injuries to students local authorities discovered the free labor texas a&m was exploiting from its own students instead of paying students for their time their tuition was increased to compensate professors who stayed quiet about the ordeal the only thing provided to students on site was maroon kool-aid texas a&m officials have not responded with a comment on the matter koldus & cream
an undue burden was placed on local student ash foucault after being forced to spend part of his wednesday night at a scholarship banquet foucault a senior supply chain major was required to attend the two hour event during his regularly scheduled netflix binge the recipient of a departmental scholarship foucault must attend a yearly scholarship banquet as part of the terms of receiving the award dont get me wrong the dinner is usually pretty good and meeting my scholarship donor is great too said foucault its just dont they know i have better things to do with my time i wrote my donor a letter isnt that enough foucault is not alone in his complaints as many students feel the same way many scholarship banquets are intentionally scheduled early in the semester or in between rounds of exams to maximize the amount of damage they can do to students schedules most students rely on those periods for peak netflix binges guilt-free napping or scheduled blackouts on northgate other students were convinced that the banquets are more for the benefit of the donors rather than to recognize those receiving the scholarship isnt a&m famous for schmoozing its donors or something like that said randall iota a junior english major this is all part of chancellor sharps plan or something i mean the money spent recognizing students could easily go into awarding an additional scholarship the departments responsible for the waste of finances have yet to come forward to apologize for the perceived abuse of funds though the banquet is part of the agreement when the scholarship is accepted students are still fighting for their right to minimize their gratitude towards people easing their financial burden while at school i dont hastily rewrite my scholarship thank you letter from the last semester for nothing said foucault – netflix and drill
tensions have been growing among faculty members at texas a&m after a student made a reckless mistake this week while addressing her teacher freshman accounting major jamie walsh found herself in an uncomfortable situation after she sent an email to her acct 229 lecturer that began dear professor shaw walsh completely disregarded the fact that her teacher was not at all a professor but simply a lecturer the mistake shook the academic community as professors began to realize students could not even distinguish the difference between someone with a phd and a masters degree i thought it was what teachers were called in college said walsh like how you start calling tests ‘exams after high school while lecturers were mostly unharmed by the incident professors have felt especially wounded and have banded together to fight the impending plague of ignorance spreading around campus some professors have proposed a mandatory training for students before each semester to help aid in the understanding of different jobs in academia lecturers on the other hand have begun lobbying for pay raises since students cannot differentiate between the two job positions it is completely asinine that student think we are just teachers said dr chuck bannon an accounting professor theres a reason i make four times the salary of a lecturer at a&m and i can assure you it is not because of my teaching dr bannon seeks to help students understand that teaching is just a side-gig for professors when they arent busy researching topics that have absolutely no relevance outside of academia following the incident some enlightened students have started to ask if professors should be allowed to teach at all maybe they should focus on research said james campbell a junior engineering major now that i look back i never had a good teacher that was a professor i just didnt realize there was a common denominator until now the university issued an official statement reminding students that texas a&m university is a top-tier research institute and that professors are the reason the university ranks where it does today from all the chaos that has erupted from the email some optimists have mentioned that maybe it was finally time we as a university had this discussion 12th man bowels
kyle erikson a senior marketing major has claimed for years that he is one of the worst at learning names and can only identify people by face the issue has gotten so bad that when someone tells him their name erikson immediately forgets it and has to ask at least two more times for it to stick in his head during a five minute conversation honestly i dont even know how i remember my own name sometimes said erikson the problem has been growing and spreading around campus as many students are forgetting others names as soon as they hear them scientists cannot explain why this phenomenon occurs but they assume it has some kind of evolutionary benefit that has become obsolete in todays day and age ideas have been tossed around about why names are so easy to forget and erikson seems to think he knows what is going on the problem lies within you have to actually try to learn peoples names and i have been giving less than no effort at all said erikson many students are shocked that the cause of their inability to remember others names is their lack of effort and not in fact a genetic disorder despite the fact that erikson openly admits to actively not trying to learn names many students are ignoring his claim altogether some believe that it has something to do with how the brain works others believe that stress causes short-term memory loss the most widely accepted theory is that being involved with too many organizations as well as studying for tests and doing homework causes a brain dump that affects the way the mind processes normal information regardless of what people believe almost nobody seems to think they have control over their ability to learn names erikson has been getting better at learning names and has attributed his success to the fact that he has started to actually listen to people when they talk many students at a&m who are great listeners and are bad at learning names beg to differ whoop-tang clan
every year new freshmen come to college station to attend texas a&m often they have friends who end up in the desolate wasteland of bryan at the institution colloquially know as blinndergarten i want to preface this by saying i am extremely smart said ben novak freshman communication major when commenting on his status as a texas a&m student novak leader of a new movement that seeks to put blinn students in their place believes that his test-taking skills and his high school leadership experience helped him stand out when applying to texas a&m and that his friends who attend blinn simply do not have the same abilities there is a clear divide between me and my friends that ‘decided to go to blinn said novak they are lazy and stupid but usually blame it on ‘saving money or something like that many blinn students live in fear of people like novak and his followers as they try to participate in activities around college station blinn freshman lany svoboda excited to finally attend midnight yell with her friends found herself being chastised by a member of novaks regime the whole time i was there this guy was yelling at me saying i didnt deserve to participate the traditions reserved for his school said svoboda i planned on transferring to mays business school next fall but im not sure i want to be part of such a cruel student body even outside of a&m events blinn students have become victims of the tamu supremacists one blinn sophomore was dancing at harrys with a tamu student and when he found out she was a blinn student he intentionally dropped her during a dip and then hurried away while the university has tried to improve relations with students at blinn many tamu students still refuse the idea of someday sitting in a classroom with a former blinn student i understand that some blinn students will eventually transfer to a&m but i will not count them as real aggies sports pass or not said novak for the time being blinn students will just have to stay under the radar while they work hard to be successful 12th man bowels
fuego tortilla grill a taco shop founded in college station has been steadily expanding and acquiring new territory outside of the bryan–college station area staking claims in waco and san marcos fuego is establishing itself as a taco staple among texas college students hoping to someday join the ranks of torchys and fuzzys however the bold move of acquiring the pizza hut at the intersection of texas and university has turned the heads of competing taco shops revolutionizing their respective marketing strategies we acquired the pizza hut earlier this year said peter schwarz regional manager for fuego i originally thought we could convert it into a second shop but we scratched that idea and realized it would be more useful for parking we had sources telling us that mad taco was eyeing the property so we ultimately had to stake our claim the conversion of the pizza hut occurred almost overnight with the relatively small installation of a fuego: additional parking sign and the fading smell of cold pizza surrounding the building other taco shops in the bcs area are scrambling to combat fuegos move attempting to assert dominance in their respective territories torchys within walking distance of main campus continues to feel threatened by fuegos aggressive tactics our next step would be to acquire laynes on texas but upper management is worried about the community backlash said torchys representative liv margo texas a&m students live for those greasy laynes fingers and fries weve made an offer to raising canes so well see how that pans out tucked away on southwest parkway about three miles from campus fuzzys taco shop has the least strategic location of the competing establishments far from the foot traffic of vehicle-less freshmen fuzzys has begun staking out the chipotle on northgate fuzzys recently converted a four-by-four foot square of grass on chipotles property into a makeshift taco stand selling tacos from 10pm-1am during chipotles hours of closing chipotle has yet to retaliate but the empowered burrito giant has the corporate man-power to overtake all of fuzzys bcs territory within a matter of hours buffalo wild wags
the texas a&m student senate has been torn by partisanship in the past much like the actual federal government legislators tend to disagree with each other creating a more perfect union through a diversity of opinion yet in its most recent legislative session the organization has begun to actually pass bipartisan bills these stellar agreements include pacts to have fewer typos in their bills to remind themselves not to consume alcohol before or during meetings and even finally asking senators to take a sexual assault training like every other student on campus however it doesnt appear the leadership is ready to take an obvious step that this community needs: distancing itself from nicholas cages character in national treasure and national treasure ii the aggie honor code is very explicit an aggie does not lie cheat or steal or tolerate those who do and what did american history buff and treasure hunter benjamin franklin gates do steal the declaration of independence we cannot tolerate him im not trying to imply that he didnt have good reason ian howe (played by sean bean) clearly betrayed gates who has a quasi-legitimate claim to the treasure buried by our nations founding fathers i mean gates descends from a long line of code breakers and treasure hunters who have been seeking the answer from clues lying in plain sight for generations but does that justify blatant theft of one of the most significant documents in american history its clear that gates has a strong presence in pop culture take a second to stop reading this column and ask your neighbor whether or not they like national treasure the vast majority of them will say yes i love nicholas cage he is the real national treasure get it but this columnist most certainly does not get it stealing is not an aggie value we are a university guided by our traditions clear indicators that define right and wrong so when is student senate going to finally rid this campus of its moral decay and distance itself from ben gates for the sake of rick perrys legacy lets hope it is sooner rather than later howdy boo boo
its late too late you knew that this was a bad idea but then again your roommate said it was too and would it really be wrong of you to stay out late purely to let them know that they arent in charge of you i mean honestly you two arent family or friends and theyre overstepping boundaries just like they always alright dont get carried away keep your ears and eyelids open walking to lot 100 from west campus library probably wasnt your smartest idea but hey neither was signing up for an overcrowded parking lot youre not exactly the brightest light bulb in the box are you thats why it took you a while to see it lurking just behind the edge of your shadow you smell it firstthe exhaust you look down at your phone cracked and dying and see the light from the monster underneath your adidas superstars that you definitely got before everybody else you turn around half-expecting someone to be stalking you knife in hand luckily its just the bus another bus follows ah yes the reason you got a parking pass in the first place you werent going back into that place again not if you could help it the sweaty bodies pressed together like bad deli meat the stench that made the world spin with nausea the sudden stops to remind you just how trapped you are like a child shaking a fishbowlall of it was nightmarish when caught between the idea of a serial murderer stalking you to your car in the early hours of the morning and riding the bus you decided to take your chances with the zodiac killers of the world something is odd about that bus though the all-too-familiar script is glowing at the top of it but theres no one inside even the bus driver himself is just a shadow buses usually only say that when its too full to carry other passengers… whatever its not your problem anymore you have a parking passan awful one thats consistently causing you to put your life in danger as you dart across traffic-heavy streets and walk alone on worn sidewalksbut a parking pass nonetheless you wonder whats happening on aggie twitter today you open up twitter i always knew you were a bad idea i just never thought you would be one so soon you close twitter youre not really in the mood for jennifers melodrama right now theres no point in scaring yourself more with the idea that shell probably settle down before you with some guy that she met on tinder no shame on jennifer youre happy for her but really before you seriously stop getting sidetracked kleberg looms over you haunted with dead dreams and the corpses of too many crickets to count your car is somewhere behind reed with a spot that you somehow nabbed yesterday by following a random girl slowly as she walked to her own car oh i guess thats how that feels you push aside the empathy its a dog-eat-dog world in lot 100 thats the risk she took when she got the pass just like the risk youre taking now is it worth it you wonder that until your fingers curl around the handle of the car you throw in your backpack noticing a familiar yellow light creep around your shoulders a quick glance is all youll give it another bus empty it is two in the morning you think its not like the buses would be crowded wait should the buses even be running you promptly decide its not your problem slip into the drivers seat and blast music on your way out of the lot in a pure attempt to keep you awake the streets are relatively clear with the few exceptions of blinding police lights and the odd ford escape just a five minute drive to the apartment then you can throw your backpack to the kitchen floor look up at the stacked sink give it the good ole double bird and stomp towards your room five minutes the first three minutes are fine the temptation to drift is strong but you somehow keep the cloudiness out of your vision then light blinds you you think its another car with their brights on but in your rearview you see a bus roll onwards maybe this is a&ms response to all the hate theyve been getting about the buses you think fine! you want buses! ill give you buses! you keep driving a&ms problems arent any of your business not much longer until youre free to find your own future youre not quite sure what the future entails whether or not youll have a job or kids but in that moment you make an odd sort of peace with the uncertainty youll be okay just not now home is just 30 feet away now you park in the closet spot you can manage staring at the door you can almost hear your bed calling to you with a soft siren song its an awful mattress but its yours not even your roommate can take that away from you you make the first step towards it backpack strapped when you feel it the hot air the lights flick on leaving the last silhouette youll ever see the engine revs its behind you waiting you sprint towards the door youre praying like timothy ateek taught you for once you are hoping that your roommate left the door unlocked the bus lurches forward wheels screeching you hit the door reaching for the handle please you think its hopeless the light is all you can see now your hand drops from the knob you fall when you wake up youre hanging hands wrapped around the metal bars used in an attempt to steady people your feet hang your backpack nestled between where they ought to be standing from the drivers seat a gloved hand emerges from the shadows giving you a slight wave you want to scream but you cant your roommate doesnt report you as missing for a couple of days and they only do it because their girlfriend insists that theyll be the first suspect if they dont she watches criminal minds so shes always been a self-proclaimed expert youre still on the bus even now the driver doesnt talk just occasionally waves back at you now only one question hangs in your mind yes another bus does follow but what is it following blue biker
today on campus students were in uproar over the new elect him campaign sponsored by the mens resource center students were visibly upset and denounced the new group as sexist saying that it put other groups on campus at a disadvantage other students thought it was fair that the organization focused on serving a group that is a minority on college campuses nationwide discussion among students over the campaign became increasingly heated as both sides would prefer to talk over each other rather than discuss the issue the scene of the protest grew intense as dozens of counter-protesters arrived to defend the elect him campaign on campus protesters of the movement saw the campaign as unfair and divisive since it focused on a group in terms of their gender men already make up the majority of people in government and dont need a system of support that caters to them said rachel deckard a junior political science major this is a campaign that affects both men and women; we dont need another organization focused on what men want other protesters saw this as a slippery slope that would inspire a wave of mens-only interest groups to form whats next making mental health a mens issue said juliann sturgeon a senior english major what does it matter if men in college are more likely to be depressed or four four times more likely to commit suicide the discussion should focus on how it affects everyone not a particular group sturgeon left the protest to go banner hold for step in and step up an issue personal to her since it overwhelmingly affects college-aged women a number of the counter-protesters were confused that a protest was even going on since the campus celebrates having a number of special interest groups for other parties i really dont get why we are even having this discussion said wilbur charlotte a sophomore psychology major nobody has ever protested these groups before as being divisive or exclusive young men in college face a number of issues and reactions like this discourage men from opening up about it though few in number the counter-protestors argued with particular passion realizing that if they did not no one else would speak on their behalf – netflix and drill
flying in the face of social convention a group of absolutely outrageous friends drove to whataburger at 2:11 am early friday morning the five daredevils boldly pushed aside their normal eating habits to make memories with their besties on a trip that members of the group described as totally insane whataburger employees were reportedly stunned to see the young customers ready to order at such a quirky and unusual time were open 24 hours of course said one employee but we never expected that college students with unstable sleep schedules would purchase cheap greasy food this late witness accounts reported the group loudly joking with each other throughout the ordering process after finishing their orders and emphasizing their desire for as much spicy ketchup as yall have the free-spirited thrill-seekers practically jumped into a corner booth to continue their public display of radical individualism ashleigh conway was one of the five adventurers present we were all up doing homework when jorge asked the groupme if we were down for a whataburger run said conway i hesitated but then i remembered what my favorite high school teacher told me: carpe diem ‘seize the day conway and her friends decided that there was no better way to seize the day than to succumb to the influence of a corporate fast-food chains meticulously crafted marketing materials the eccentric group eventually shoved the last remnants of their salt-coated processed foodstuffs down their throats before making a fittingly noisy exit at press time each group member was quietly lying in their respective beds and bragging on instagram about their exploits before resting for more wild experiences to come – hullakazoo
conventional wisdom claims that anyone who eats alone at any point in his or her life is absolutely lonely and has no capacity for relationships while this principle has proved to be true in high school cafeterias nationwide a new study seems to suggest this traditional thinking may not apply in college researchers recently chose texas a&m university as the subject of a new study which hypothesized that college students eating alone might not be lonely at all the study chose three popular dining facilities on campus: sbisa msc cafeteria and ag cafe sociologists surveyed students sitting in groups and students sitting alone to measure the level of life satisfaction from these individuals using students in groups as a control the surveys proved hard to conduct especially when students sat alone said dr donald douglas lead researcher when we approached students sitting alone they would have different excuses for not wanting to talk such as ‘i have a test in 20 minutes or ‘i already have a personal relationship with jesus or even ‘im trying to read at first the researchers thought these excuses were fictional because no one really has a test in 20 minutes and no one reads books for enjoyment anymore however upon further investigation all the excused proved true when the researchers were able to talk to someone sitting alone the participants showed a statistically significant high level of happiness the most shocking finding from the study was that some of the students sitting in groups only did so to make sure they did not seem lonely yeah im only sitting with my fish camp right now because we do this every week said a freshman in the msc cafeteria i dont even like any of these people while the new research was not able to prove causality it did show that there is little to no correlation between sitting alone and being lonely it turns out these student are likely sitting alone for strategic purposes and not because they lack interpersonal skills said douglas apparently you can have friends outside the lunchroom 12th man bowels
starting next week the mcdonalds located at the intersection of george bush drive and wellborn road will begin taking orders from vehicles waiting at the stoplight branch manager nancy hotsauce jones was available to explain the thought process behind their decision we already provide overflow parking for football games so we thought about how else we could work with the local population to serve their needs said jones this was the most obvious choice so we decided to test it out and it was a hit students waiting to cross the intersection can alleviate their crushing boredom with a quarter pounder with cheese or a 20-piece order of chicken mcnuggets after they finish their meal they can even make a second order for a sweet dessert such as an iced mccafé coffee or a tasty fruit parfait news of the decision caused local sandwich shop jimmy johns to reconsider their policy on deliveries to the intersection they too will start a trial period for this new technique delivering fresh subs to captive drivers in order to keep up with the rest of their fast food competition fan post
in a shocking turn of events president michael k young was caught in his office in his true form as the lizard king surprised by his secretary who forget to knock president young was seen on all fours scurrying around his desk with his human skin suit laid haphazardly on the floor president young upon being discovered in his reptilian form reportedly hissed and flicked his tongue at his assistant he always did act strange said marissa alvarez the assistant who outed young as a reptile instead of coffee he requested i bring him worms every morning and anytime i went into his office i found him lounging on a boulder under an industrial-sized heat lamp obviously being the lizard king makes the most logical sense as the news of president youngs lizard status went viral certain campus groups have taken a stand i knew it all along said leonel green founder of the aggie cryptoid society i swear i saw him one night crawling into the steam tunnels i bet thats where the rest of his tribe lives greens position on the steam tunnels seems well-supported as the underground system was preserved during the ongoing campus renovations the shocking discovery of president youngs true nature gives a plausible explanation as to why the steam tunnels were not demolished or repurposed for some other use they always told us the steam tunnels were dangerous but now i know its where the eggs are kept until they are hatched and able to come above ground said green other students say they saw the signs in his communication difficulties president loftin was always giving speeches and visiting with students said imman kant a senior industrial distribution major the fact that most of our interaction with him was through email created a barrier between him and the university now that layer of protection makes sense: it was to avoid detection this morning mr young sent out a campus-wide email with the following message: dear students the future is now and the future is lizard i am the ruler of the underground guardian of my people i am the lizard king i can do anything! lil event
blood-stained concrete and the sounds of metal clashing have become new and permanent features of the renovated quad during outfit activity last week company e-2 introduced dueling using sabers found on the quad in order to rekindle their connection with the spirit of old army their effort to regain some of their reputation as a hard outfit has instead translated to a policy across all outfits giving every unit in the corps a chance to brag about how old army their unit is the actions of the revivalists in e-2 have let cadets defend the honor of their corps unit in person rather than online replacing the traditional pranks and passive aggressive actions saber dueling has become the new norm in settling corps rivalries insult my honor have at thee introduced as a new campusology has become the phrase to initiate a dance of steel beyond memorizing the new campusology freshmen cadets are barred from participating in duels and instead are responsible for cleaning up the resulting blood while popular with cadets at large for resolving conflict both within a unit and against other units not all cadets are happy with the new policy i cant make it across the quad without being forced to duel three or four cadets said brad sauer commander of the cadet corps in his blood-soaked uniform i have to spend hundreds of dollars every month on dry cleaning alone not to mention constantly sharpening my saber the cadet commander and most of corps staff have found themselves frequently under the blade since any policy issued is taken as a direct insult by the average cadet i cant make it fifty freaking feet without some cadet bringing up a personal vendetta against me for some rule the office of the commandant told me to create said sean dixon the corps discipline officer unexpectedly there has been nothing but praise from the office of the commandant over the cadets rekindling of old traditions complaints from parents and cadets alike have been reduced as honor is now held as a sacred value rather than turning to the commandant for every issue that arises cadets are now dealing with their problems themselves colonel hawes of the corps recruiting office has started streaming duels on facebook live to help with recruiting efforts there is now discussion of including a dueling coliseum as part of the ev adams band hall reconstruction project hazed and confused & netflix and drill
breakaway ministries announced today that its weekly traffic jam will be returning to west campus this tuesday night many participants in breakaway cite this traffic as essential to their spiritual development sure i could worship jesus on my own but nothing beats learning to intentionally guard my heart during a frustratingly slow drive out of a parking lot said christian j christos junior business honors major furthermore guidelines released before the event emphasize its relevance to the spiritual development process the official website encourages students to avoid carpooling at all costs and instead utilize every possible parking space in lot 100 breakaway is noteworthy for its unique customs for example there is a well-known tradition of taking unusually long amounts of time at four–way stop signs specifically at the intersections around the corners of reed arena the expectation of biblical kindness causes students to avoid rudeness at all costs and this means waiting a full three seconds to drive forward until after the driver has been given right away other customs include excessive displays of christian beliefs we live in an age of personal branding said freshman engineering major jayden de la rentas if people see you as one thing you are that thing this is why i utilize my breakaway backpack tag every day breakaway ministries is a non-denominational christian traffic jam and usually meets to drive slowly once a week howdy boo boo
bethany salinsky a sophomore political science major completed her first econ 203 exam on thursday october 12th unlike most students in the class salinsky spent two full weeks preparing for the exam making routine visits to the quiet section of evans library with a 40 gpr the last call salinsky wanted to make to her mom was about getting her first b on an exam on the day of the exam salinsky arrived 15 minutes early and tried to engage in conversation with a student shelley witman sitting next to her despite witman frantically flipping through her notes i dont feel prepared said salinsky what did you get for the last problem on test review number 3 witman with a worried sleep-deprived look reportedly replied uhh i dont know i wasnt able to get that far as students began taking the exam salinsky was one of the first to finish she made her way up the stairs of hecc 207 went out the door and immediately opened her notes to see what she may have missed as the rest of the students left the exam salinsky approached witman i couldnt believe it said whitman as i tried to quickly make my way to the starbucks in library this bethany girl tapped me on the shoulder and wanted to talk about the test that test was impossible wasnt it asked salinsky blocking witman from her beeline to starbucks salinsky continued to ramble about how difficult she thought the test was while embedding questions like what did you get for short-answer problem 4 humoring salinsky witman simply smiled and nodded her head throughout the conversation as each day passed salinsky frequently monitored her ecampus account before receiving the notification from the grade icon on the top right of her screen when salinsky opened the page she was horrified what! she said a 98! what two points could i have missed! good bullogna
it was a quiet night on zebra companys deck the sergeant of the days desk was empty and the sound of cadets gently snoring could be heard from the hallway despite the peaceful exterior there were dark forces at work one sophomore richard hardonne lay in his rack fighting a losing battle against the primal urges that commanded him as he lay there tossing and turning one thing was on his mind: fish muffley needed to pay as the clock ticked to 2:00 am hardonne finally made his decision he stood up quietly so as not to wake his sleeping roommate quickly donned his clothes and slipped into the hallway as he stealthily moved down the passageway his mind was focused on all kinds of ways to torment the defenseless freshman these thoughts began to stimulate him in ways he had not experienced since he was a fish as he reached muffleys room he quickly jumped inside and expertly locked the door behind him without making so much as a creak he saw a set of eyes turn towards the source of the light then quickly shut as they saw the muscular frame silhouetted by the sink light muffley get out of bed grunted hardonne he was answered by a dutiful sir aye sir as the freshmans smooth slender body bolted up and stood upright at his bedframe for a few moments hardonne looked the freshman up and down mentally visualizing the ways he would overwhelm the the young mans body get on your face he growled in his very best drill instructor impersonation muffley started bouncing up and down one sir two sir three sir muffley said meekly as his breath began to quicken by the time he reached 50 muffley was visibly tired his skin now moist with perspiration hardonne stood there hiding the emotions growing within the sight of the servile freshman oscillating downwards and upwards aroused something deep within his spirit once the freshmen reached triple digits muffley was not the only one who was visibly sweating the mirrors began to fog up and the ground became slippery with the supple freshmans bodily fluids muffleys hands slipped out from under him as he finally reached the redass 121 on your ass youre doing sit ups commanded hardonne as the feeble being beneath him rolled onto his back with each push upwards the fish slid a few inches forward on the freshly lubricated floor eventually he reached the feet of his upperclassmen hardonne kicked the greased freshmen back across the room leaving a trail of sweat as he slid back on the linoleum youre at monkey humpers whispered hardonne muffley bent down grabbed his ankles and began to violate the imaginary primate that lay on his floor for the next few minutes neither of them said a word as hardonne stood towering above the crouching freshman as muffleys knees began to tremble his domineering pisshead became filled with the power of the aggie spirit hardonne felt the presence of generations of cadets who had made love to phantom apes before him this is what makes a&m truly great he thought tears in his eyes after a quick command to stop hardonne returned to his room a renewed man he had just taken part in the corps of cadets most sacred tradition from the outside looking in there is no way to explain what truly happened in that room however in the words of old rock himself nothing is more beautiful than pisshead a fish and a roomful of sweat hazed and confused
texas a&m reached a major milestone this week when it was ranked as the #1 public university in the country in some bullshit oddly specific metric these rankings placed a&m as the #3 overall university in this meaningless and empty achievement behind two private schools with which you are likely unfamiliar this is a&ms highest ranking ever in this narrowly defined category that required four different modifiers to reach a sub-field specific enough for a&m to be ranked at the top this obscure ranking clearly demonstrates that texas a&m is a uniquely excellent institution said president michael k young it allows the administration to claim that a&m is #1 without having to put in the effort to improve the university in any way that is actually meaningful justifying several years of questionable decisions the mugdown uncovered that the university administration uses unpaid interns to trawl through the internet to look for literally any list that a&m is ranked highly in sometimes this strategy succeeds and sometimes it backfires in august a&m made national headlines for inadvertently publicizing that they were the #1 university in the country in what turned out to be a list of football programs most likely to fire their head coach going forward the student body hopes that texas a&m will continue to provide a top-notch experience in this very narrowly defined category that affects a tiny minority of current students and faculty big brother jed
all bars on northgate have announced that they will begin handing out color-coded bracelets for patrons to display relationship statuses that will help minimize awkward social interactions this is going to be a game changer said frequent northgate patron chad williams i try to only hit on girls that are single but now i can know for sure this way i will only disrespect women who want to be disrespected to help understand this new system the mugdown has released a comprehensive guide to understanding the colors and their respective meanings: red: single and ready to mingle this bracelet will let others know that this guy or girl is looking for a mate no attention is unwelcome when wearing one of these bad boys white: the purest of them all a white bracelet indicates that this bar goer is not interested in a relationship its not a euphemism for rejecting you; he or she is actually just not looking for a relationship black: im in a relationship the patrons wearing black bracelets are completely off limits do not look do not touch do not taste the wearers are in a serious relationship and nothing you do will make them reconsider gray: im in a relationship… wielders of a gray bracelet are technically in a relationship but not necessarily brand loyal present a better alternative and they will happily make the switch at least for tonight rainbow: inquire for details people wearing rainbow bracelets cannot simply define what they are looking for with the color of a bracelet its better not to assume these days so just ask yellow: anything goes while often incorrectly mistaken for a rainbow bracelet wearer the yellow bracelet wearer is just looking for any hedonistic pleasure he or she can find this person is a slippery slope and that is not a fallacy while the new bracelets are not required to get into bars they are strongly encouraged as williams puts it its like how on facebook if a girl doesnt publicly display her relationship status its her fault if i hit on her now it applies to bars as well 12th man bowels
throughout the university texas a&m students whispered rumors to one another about a menacing threat on campus rumors about a machine has an overwhelming majority of students uncertain about the nature of this entity running campus the rumor began as students heard frequent reference towards a machine by students involved in student government it could be some kind of artificial intelligence meant to destroy us said audrey spellman a junior environmental sciences major what right does this object have in dictating my time at texas a&m spellmans concerns were not hers alone as a number of students have grown aggravated over the mysterious force behind the curtains various groups of students began searching for the location of this supposed machine to no avail one group the aggie luddites marched from wehner to the emerging technologies building in an effort to uncover the device the crowd capitalizing on the paranoia swelled to almost 1 000 members during their trek across campus machines have no right to dictate our lives and make decisions affecting our campus said samuel rocking a freshman psychology major my self-determination is my right and human beings should dictate how this campus is run not some robot if we wanted to reshape the culture of campus then we would do it not let some ai decide our fate other students want to go beyond simply protesting and wish to destroy the machines existence a machine cannot dictate morality it cannot craft laws it cannot be redass said jonathan connor a senior electrical engineering major although mankind has pushed the boundaries of technology before it will not happen here the rise of this ‘machine will be stopped connor and his crowd of extremists took the zachry building by force and have begun tearing it apart student body president bobby brooks could not be reached for comment president brooks along with the rest of student government could not be found on campus i heard they were located in the building where i submitted my flo application said jesse glassman a junior english major i think the only thing in koldus is the lobby and the parking garage only time will tell if students are able to locate this machine on campus or if it is just an sga inside joke used more than it ever should be – netflix and drill
the rift between business students and the rest of campus has been growing deeper and deeper in the past couple of years now after watching catalonias attempted secession from spain students from mays business school and the surrounding areas have decided that now is the time for change starting spring 2018 west campus will no longer be a part of the university last weekend west campus held a referendum on whether or not to escape the dull burden that is main campus though the student body held a great variety of opinions on whether or not to leave students opposed to secession lacked the fervor of pro-secession candidates thus almost every vote cast was in favor of secession due to this apathy from non-business majors mays business school has become the new capital of west campus leaving the rest of the territory to wonder how they got bundled up in this mess university officials claim that mays and west campus do not have the resources to stay independent for long however many business students obnoxiously disagree our finance majors ran the numbers and we estimate that without the burden of main campus weighing us down we can survive long enough to become our own public university said brett larson a senior management major larson claims that mays has everything they need to be an independent school and get as far away from main campus as physically possible the logistics of how the new territory would run under autonomous rule were drawn up earlier this week at the top of the hierarchy are the business honors elite they will be the chief executives and board of directors for the newly independent territory funds will be controlled by the finance and accounting majors while they are babysat by the ppa students the management majors will make up the established bureaucracy filing paperwork and constituting the majority of the workforce in order to gain supporters marketing majors will be working around the clock to keep mays image in good standing with students everybody forgot about the supply chain and mis majors so it was awkward at first but we let them be in charge of resources and our it department just to shut them up said larson one of the main problems with trying to secede from main campus is the creation of new boundaries arguments about borders and fencing have caused many violent outbreaks to occur near disputed areas officials have tried to get the department of geology to settle differences about where each side thinks the line should be but many geology students claim thats not what they do at all this has led mays to try and get rid of their responsibility of west campus all together ads from the business school to sublease west campus have appeared on facebook pages and bulletin boards but trying to sublease has proved more difficult than previously thought reports of the university of phoenix taking over the lease have been spreading but nothing has been confirmed yet mays has also been looking to move elsewhere and talk of buying baylors campus has grown since it is virtually worthless at the moment other options include the astroworld parking lot in houston or taking over the texas a&m galveston campus by force whoop-tang clan
this morning jim lovett an equestrian math major at texas a&m picked up a stack of q-drop forms after receiving his first round of exam grades lovett claimed that his professors unintelligible foreign accent was to blame for his subpar test scores the mugdown met up with lovett last night for his comment there was nothing i could do said lovett as he copied and pasted bits of a wikipedia article into ecampus at 11:55pm when the professor started lecturing on the first day of class it was clear that english wasnt his first language i never went back lovett claims that his professors inability to pronounce certain words prevented him from completing a single assignment all semester how am i supposed to learn this material if i cant understand the person whos supposed to teach it to me said lovett as he pushed aside several unopened textbooks that were lying on his desk to make room for a bottle of vodka it was an uphill battle from the start reporters also met with dr heamurla jidmantura an expert in his field and jim lovetts math professor after waiting for jidmatura to finish helping several of his students with their homework he was asked to comment on lovetts accusations i have never seen this person before said jidmantura who promptly returned to helping his students lovett was not completely unashamed though he admits that he might be partially responsible for his poor average in the class i should have switched sections the minute i heard his voice said lovett then maybe i would have learned something this semester lovett submitted his q-drop forms and returned to his normal activity vowing not to make the same mistakes for a fifth semester in a row teenage music gig em turtles
world-renowned experts of the paranormal robert borden and mason kleinfeld are visiting texas a&m university for an indeterminate amount of time to lead the search for the spirit of aggieland borden and kleinfeld are co-creators of hillbillies and hauntings a company that seeks to be valiant on every vanguard while exposing the truth of the world around us as stated on their website the reported ghost is known for its extended arm position in which the letters ‘w-c are formed with its hand the ghost reportedly wears overalls carrying a gun in one hand and wearing a gold ring on the other it is most commonly seen standing beside the statue of e king gill in rudder plaza its almost like [the spirit] is looking it up and down comparing itself to see who is bigger said borden borden and kleinfeld have limited their search to central campus and will continue searching until they are able to capture evidence of the apparition to prove its existence to their client the man who hired hillbillies and hauntings had an alleged encounter with the spirit during his time spent at the university he wants us to answer the question: ‘where did it go kleinfeld said when asked about who his client is he shrugged he refuses to tell us his full name but hes paying us good money by the day so who cares said borden borden and kleinfeld are reaching out to students and faculty for help on the case with so many people on campus we are surprised no one has seen anything said kleinfeld were hoping somebody catches a whiff of the spirit soon for more information attend the informational at 7:30 pm on october 23rd in the g rollie white coliseum blue biker
after recent speculation of their future development seaworld parks and entertainment is excited to unveil their new attraction located at bizzell hall opening in spring 2020 having already established a partnership with the texas a&m university galveston campus with courses such as marb 200: the seaworld experience seaworlds board of directors decided that this construction would prove to be a strong investment it is common knowledge that aggies display incredible hospitality said lowell miran a seaworld board member we knew that bizzell hall would create a permanent home for those animals currently located at our san antonio theme park miran went on to include a defined scope of what the project entails the seaworld at the texas a&m campus will be home to the journey to atlantis ride a new sea lions at play show as well as many animal habitats featuring penguins orcas and a variety of sea life the board and i are most excited about the ‘sealife assistance services miran added this program stands to rehabilitate injured sea creatures under appropriate guidance the availability of this service demonstrates our commitment to organizational values and we know texas a&m would agree the project is already underway as demolition of bizzell hall began late this summer under the direction of project manager sibyl white the student services once available at bizzell hall have been relocated to west campus i understand the inconvenience of relocating these services but it is important that we create livable areas for our animals said white creek or river ocean or sea we need to create habitats for these injured and otherwise helpless sea creatures despite the lack of public explanation for the project the construction site is very noticeable on campus as it is surrounded by tall white wooden walls students seem to be excited for the entertainment center as it would provide an additional area to relax between the stresses of schoolit is not currently known if seaworld will offer discounted rates for residents at nearby hotels such as the one being developed on the other side of the memorial student center update: since this announcement has been made the people for the ethical treatment of animals (peta) have moved their protest efforts to main campus students are encouraged to approach the memorial student center with extreme caution and should expect minor traffic for two to four weeks left on redass
it is a common practice amongst texas a&m students to take food out of the dining halls across campus whether students are in a rush or just want to save a bit for later swiping a little extra food has been common practice since the university began serving meals to students in 1876 however a recent theft by jacob holmes at sbisa dining hall has led chartwells the dining services provider at texas a&m to hire members of the corps of cadets to oversee the safety of its inventory holmes a freshman philosophy major frequents sbisa on a daily basis he has one of the largest meal plans possible and says he sometimes still cant get enough to eat i really like the chocolate chip cookies when there are good cookies i always try to take at least 10 when the ice cream machine is working i like to make ice cream sandwiches said holmes last week holmes was caught attempting to smuggle three entire packages of bagels out of sbisa he stealthily brought three one-gallon ziploc bags and his backpack to ensure that he would have a clean escape but while holmes was on his way out he slipped on a banana peel and the freshman tumbled to the ground sprawling all of his contraband across the sbisa floor the dining staff immediately alerted the university police department and holmes was taken into custody we get incidents like this all the time but normally its only a bagel here an apple there small infractions we have no protocol to deal with a theft of this magnitude said lieutenant lindsey monroe the officer first to arrive on the scene holmes was left with a warning and a week-long ban from sbisa dining hall but the effects of his attempted theft have resounded with chartwells the company ensures that the necessary measures have been implemented to prevent further thefts chartwells has chosen to partner with the corps of cadets in this endeavor hiring cadets to oversee the security of the dining halls two cadets will be stationed at the exits of duncan the commons and sbisa checking students bags as they leave the mess halls to ensure that they carry no excess food cadets have been instructed to use any forces necessary to confiscate stolen food student reactions to chartwells decision to hire security guards are mixed: i guess i saw it coming i used to smuggle out a bagel or two during my time on campus i even heard a rumor that they were going to use ms reveille to sniff out bags and packs said amy connolly a senior economics major who resided in hart hall during her freshman year taking a package of bagels seems kind of justifiable considering we essentially pay like $10 for a meal trade every single day i wish i would have thought to bring a backpack to sbisa during my undergrad years buffalo wild wags
early on friday morning president michael k young chancellor john sharp and student body president bobby brooks held a joint press conference to announce the death of new army for years former students and upperclassmen alike have mourned the death of old army including the bygone days of hazing a crumbling commons and the fall of the big xii at the hands of new army however in a troubling turn of events the newest generation of aggiesthe millennialshave officially taken the reins at texas a&m and killed new army chancellor sharp cited the millennials rampant disregard for tradition as the main factor leading to the death of new army millennials who are by far the worst generation in history have no respect for the traditions of this university said sharp theyre so into ‘inclusion and ‘progress that they completely disregard the atmosphere of rampant intolerance that defined the a&m i fell in love with millennials already accused of killing american institutions such as baseball breakfast and lifelong employment have actually made many members of the aggie family long for the days of new army i bet we all wish we could just go back to the days where we sat down during injuries and yelled ‘first down! at football games but we cant said brooks these millennials are focused on attaining great jobs and investing in cutting edge research dont they realize the best thing for their education at a&m is to get too involved in student organizations dang i miss the good ol days others have cited the influx of new businesses to college station as another symptom of new armys death listen one thing old and new army had in common was that college station totally sucked; that was the whole point said oedipus banda ‘81 we all went to the chicken and drove on crappy roads and lived in ratty houses but now with all these newfangled fancy restaurants and hotels at century square its like a wannabe austin i cant stand it! president young reiterated that with new army dead there is officially no hope for texas a&m now that the millennials have swept in with their new ideas focus on the future and drive to bring traditions back to their roots texas a&m as we know it is finished said president young all we can do now is regard texas a&m as the latest institution that millennials have ruined alongside harvard yale and chilis fish daddy
junior finance major braxton bolton and junior petroleum engineering major rachel descartes have been dating since freshman year they met at a party between their two flos and ended up dating soon after both are well liked athletic and high achieving and most people think the relationship is destined for marriage however as both bolton and descartes have started looking for internships bolton began to think about the future paths he and descartes want to take he wants to work for a bank in new york while she is more worried about staying in houston working in the energy business bolton thought for a few days that maybe the ominous feeling in his gut was something he should address but then after a fun date night with descartes he decided to not worry about it until senior year i mean i love rachel and maybe we want different things out of life but i really love rachel said bolton im down to date someone in houston while im pulling 80-hour weeks in new york itll totally work out it always does if you really love someone but we dont have to worry about it for a while bolton is not the only person to delay dealing with the potential relationship problems junior allegra mcfarland who is still dating her high school boyfriend after they came to a&m together believes that while they are different people than they used to be everything will be fine i think we might be going through a weird funk right now but im sure we still love each other said mcfarland other guys make me laugh more than he does and sometimes i wish we would go out dancing but hes not really about it my friends have told me im out of his league but we have a whole year before we graduate and itll work itself out couples with fundamental differences such as junior student senator blake voltaire and junior womens and gender studies major ashley rachmaninoff have also decided not deal with their issues until they absolutely have to we avoid the topic of politics in our relationship because the best way to deal with problems is to pretend they dont exist said voltaire well have to talk about it when the whole marriage thing starts popping up until then we have a whole year and itll work itself out by then right the mugdown caught up with senior abigail hampstead who broke up with her boyfriend of three years at the end of august to ask her thoughts on the issue oh there were so many red flags said hampstead we shouldve broken up a year ago there are some issues you know are going to cause a relationship to fail and we had most of those issues when asked why she didnt pull the plug sooner hampstead cited the difficulty of facing the facts its hard to talk about hard things when youre having fun said hampstead but hey life always works itself out fish daddy
on tuesday president young made official what many students have believed to be true for a while now like the heldenfels cats the clever squirrels in academic plaza and the bats of kyle field campus has long been home to a range of adorable friends that have become indispensable parts of the aggie family as anyone who has ever stepped foot on campus can see the iconic swirling orange and white colors of the knife river cement trucks are as recognizable these days as reveille or the aggie ring in fact many of the students favorite new buildings around campus are only here thanks to the work of these little scamps like the industrious beaver building a great dam of wood and brush knife river cement trucks trek back and forth tirelessly bringing fresh cement to construct the ever-growing campus students returning from summer vacation always know they have made it back to bryan–college station when they spot one on the road they started showing up on campus around the time of the msc reconstruction project and since then their numbers have grown significantly said construction science graduate allen tarpley in fact they now play an essential role in the local ecosystem thanks to their steady carrying of much-needed cement after the announcement the bookstore in the msc said they will begin selling plush knife river cement truckssure to be an adorable addition to any aggie bedroom fan post
as the weather begins to cool in college station joggers have started utilizing every part of texas a&ms campus for their preferred running routes one of the most popular running spots the campus golf course has long been a favorite for students who need a twenty-minute study break the route a little over two miles is long enough to make joggers feel like they worked out but short enough to ensure they are not entirely drenched in sweat sometimes joggers choose to run with their shirts off either for comfort or for vanity one student sophomore clyde strong was taking a quick jog in between studying for economics when he inadvertently distracted a female driver with his washboard abs causing the woman to rear-end the semi-truck in front of her i run with my shirt off all of the time said strong its something i do to make myself feel more comfortable when i wear a shirt it gets all sticky and my abs start to look like fat rolls its not my fault that im cut i was just minding my own business running a real easy 6:21 pace when boom there are cars backed up for miles on george bush drive students blair wild and jackie mansanto were making their way along george bush drive when they spotted strong trotting down texas avenue wild the driver could not peel her eyes away from strongs tight pectorals and glistening brow in time to see the the semi-truck stop in front of her afternoon traffic was light but wild missed the trucks brake lights slamming into the vehicle while going about ten miles above the 40 mph limit it should be against the law for men to run with their shirts off on texas what am i supposed to do when hes out there just flaunting his body like that said wild this isnt northgate my car is completely totaled; i deserve some sort of compensation the wreck took over two hours to clear with george bush shut down for over an hour wilds jeep wrangler was totaled and the semi-truck left the scene with minor paint damage the fault of the accident whether wild or strong has yet to be determined law enforcement on the scene contacted the department of student life on how to handle the matter of shirtless runners on campus the poor driver had no chance to avert her eyes; of course the accident isnt her fault said penny ayton a representative for the department of student life i dont think we can technically enforce a rule against shirtless joggers but we can certainly shame them against doing it as a public institution this is not a place for nudity of any kind buffalo wild wags
junior accounting major braydon mcadams had it all he was the head director of flip he served as a fish camp counselor in two consecutive face camps and was on track to become a chair and make a face camp of his very own he was accepted into century mens society at the end of his freshman year and was a respected and influential member who planned to run for officer next year he was to receive his ring in the spring of his junior year had just been accepted into ppa and had already signed with pwc for his internship best of all mcadams had just turned 21 and was excited to go to northgate because he was going to know just about everyone there but after his first northgate experience braydon admitted something that changed his world forever: he hated logies i just didnt see the appeal man said mcadams it was sweaty and loud and it kinda smelled bad plus i dont really like popcorn or early 2000s rock so there wasnt any appeal there fast forward three months and mcadams distaste for logies tanked his chances of getting chair pressured aggie employees of pwc to strip him of his internship offer and caused almost all of braydons involved friends to abandon him it was crazy said mcadams all of my old involved friends swear by that place like they go there every single day and if youre not about it then theyre not about you seriously everyone i used to hang out with goes there so much that i cant hang out with them because theyre always there its like i got excommunicated from some cult mcadams also mentioned the difficulty of getting drinks as a serious problem has anyone ever made it to the bar at logies mcadams said i just kind of assume its there because of the throngs of people standing around facing something sometimes people have chuggers but they also have to stand in line for an hour first william dietrisch a senior in centuries fish camp counselor and mcadams former friend offered a vigorous defense of the bar look man logies has it all: the tunes the drinks the girls and the vibe said dietrisch its the place to be theres nothing better than rockin out to mr brightside to close out the night theres no better way to show that youre cool and relevant like making an appearance at logies dietrisch admitted to only picking up a job so that he would have more income to spend at the bar how can you expect me to be at logies four nights a week without a job and how can you expect me to have a social life without coming to logies four times a week asked dietrisch after losing most of his friends mcadams has started turning his life around by making new friends and discovering new bars its honestly pretty surreal that so many cool people go to our school and i never would have met them if i had kept going to logies said mcadams its like a whole different world out there one where you can actually buy drinks and not stand around being sweaty the entire night! fish daddy
last week a life was saved around 3:14 pm sophomore benny harrington sneezed 3 times in a row in his biology 111 class after an unnecessary amount of bless yous local hero todd parsnip leaned over and changed bennys life forever you know thats an early sign of conjunctivitis right parsnip whispered to harrington ive read all about it in the first chapter of my intro to anatomy book nobody not even parsniprealized how important his unwarranted statement would be with one semester of bims under his belt parsnip was out saving lives left and right while throwing around his wide array of knowledge about strep throat swine flu and chlamydia he has been able to diagnose almost everyone he knows with one disease or another i always ask people if they want my opinion on their health because most people want to soak in my expertise said parsnip i know not everybody necessarily asks for my advice which is why i offer it so frequently word about parsnip has been spreading around campus almost as fast as the diseases he cures which has inspired hundreds of good deeds from pre-med students everywhere nearly every allied health and bims major feels obligated to diagnose their friends and family whenever they feel like a loved one might have health related issues i try and save at least one life a week said brenda moon a sophomore allied health major with it becoming increasingly easier to learn on the job many are wondering why medical schools are not obsolete already i already feel like ive learned pretty much all i need to know about the medical field and with quizlet and other sites you can learn it all in a couple of months if you really put your mind to it i mean anyone can be a doctor said parsnip parsnip also talked about dropping out of school and opening up his own practice in 2018 whoop-tang clan
every day over 50 000 students attend classes at texas a&m university with such a large student body the university trusts only one catering service to provide nutrition to their students: chartwells the factor that truly sets chartwells apart from the competition aside from their promise to nourish the bodies minds and spirits of our students and pave the way for a​ lifetime of success and well-being is their data-driven customer feedback program this program includes an emoji reaction kiosk(tm) at the exit to each of their dining halls where customers can rate their experience recently chartwells has been running into problems with their data claiming that the survey results were overwhelmingly negative the mugdown reached out to chartwells representative david gordon for comment at first we were worried students were not enjoying our fresh and delicious food however we soon realized the data was incorrect since because we made some major sampling errors said gordon you see the problem isnt that we have low-quality food; its that we have low quality voters gordon went on to say that the data is a result of students not fully understanding how the kiosk worked while it may seem simple to us we now realize it was not fair to expect the general population to be able to decipher its function so easily said gordon as a result chartwells will be overhauling its review button protocol and will begin requiring review registration training in order for student to be eligible to have their criticisms heard although the details of what this training will look like have yet to be released to the general public some beta testers have come forward to voice their opinion it was super easy all the only question i had to answer was which dining hall i attend regularly and i was free to vote said sadie legenton a member of the texas a&m soccer team when asked about her dining hall preferences she said as an athlete i pretty much only go to slocum nutrition center its fantastic! we reached out to another tester cadet hank howard for his experience i wasnt able to pass said howard the first question asked where i ate and being a cadet i said duncan dining hall then it made me watch a two hour video on vegetable preparation only to tell me afterwards i wasnt qualified chartwells has assured the university that this new system will better reflect the criticisms of the student body or at least the ones that matter hazed and confused
one topic has completely dominated the discourse of the student body this semester texas a&m a hardworking university decided to get a second job to provide for its students students have become irate at their universitys decision even though the school is just trying to help provide for their needs its true: i have been struggling to make ends meet said texas a&m university a 141 year old institution i know my students may resent me for it now but ultimately i need the money in order to make sure they could be taken care of im sure one day theyll realize that and forgive me it is no secret that in order to support its students throughout their time in school texas a&m university chose to take out tremendous loans to guarantee their success i borrowed $450 million to make sure my students could stay happy eight weekends a year while they lived under my roof said texas a&m if i didnt take a second job at cain hotel there is no way i could make the income necessary to provide for the lifestyle my students ask for my students want to play on all these sports teams that cost so much while the university adamantly defended its position that an additional source of income would help those depending on its provision many students disagreed texas a&m has served us too many frozen chartwells meals for dinner to care all of a sudden said maxwell rockatansky a senior construction science major this second job is going to take away what little time texas a&m has for us and use it on entertaining fancy donors at a new hotel i just wish it would spend more time thinking about us and our studies rather than maintaining the campus budget said julian viz a freshman philosophy major viz was not alone in her belief in fact most students would rather texas a&m focus on making sure the students felt cared for than making sure the lights stayed on – netflix and drill
chad bucko a senior philosophy major at baylor university visited home over the past weekend like the football team bucko decided not to make the trip out to kansas state bucko made plans to meet with his high school friend texas a&m senior finance major phil gutry back at their hometown applebees upon arrival and after an awkward bro handshake bucko noticed a new accessory on gutrys finger it looked like phil got his class ring since the last time i saw him said bucko i recently got mine and was confused about why baylor tried to turn it into an all-day eventits just a ring isnt it gutry a fifth generation aggie was taken aback when bucko showed off his baylor ring i was convinced that getting a ring during senior year was unique to a&m whenever chad used words like ‘valor ‘servanthood and ‘honor to describe his ring it all sounded too familiar i had to stop him when he started to ramble about the baylor network over the course of dinner both gutry and bucko continued their millennial behaviors and separately scrolled through instagram gutry already sweating from anxiety nearly fell out of his seat when he stumbled upon a picture of his friend barb fellenkamp striking a pose with her new texas tech class ring i needed a new way to assert my superiority over the rest of my big 12 friends said gutry as any good ag would do gutry reached for his back right pocket and pulled out his 12th man towel unfolding the towel and extending it towards buckos face gutry in a condescending tone said have i told you about the tradition of the 12th man however gutry was quick to rescind his words when he remembered bucko was a seattle seahawks fan good bullogna
last wednesday senior journalism major winston smith was convicted for his thoughtcrime smith was reported to the ministry of tradition after his roommate overheard him agreeing with his fathera former studentand his thoughts on a current issue on campus the opinion that smith shared with his father was not in line with the current belief of students on campus and he was swiftly reported by his roommate and texas a&m patriot syme obrien winstons mistaken belief that students should say ‘howdy on campus does not align with the opinion the rest of campus shares said obrien a senior english major i recognized his views violated the decision reached by the ministry and reported him opinions like that belong on texags not campus the hard work of the students within the ministry of tradition ensures that all students share the correct views about campus life the movement to create the ministry originates from issues students had when comparing their beliefs to those of former students many students were unsure of how to handle the opinions of former students though they felt secure in the fact that their status as a current student made their views more correct the official aim of the ministry is to ensure uniformity of thought in what constitutes an aggie the goal of the ministry of tradition is to ensure that all students feel confident in knowing that their opinions on campus life traditions or current events on campus are the correct ones said julia oruell a senior history major and head minister of the ministry of tradition if a number of students hold a different opinion and are convicted of thoughtcrime for the collective then so be it the popularity of the ministry of tradition has allowed it to become a dominant force on campus with the corps of cadets student government and greek life all becoming ardent supporters of it once the sororities joined the propaganda division of the ministry it was all over said madisen mcafee a junior mechanical engineering major between the banner holding blitz and t-shirt campaign not a student was left to oppose the ministry and their interpretations of student life students are still nervous that letting only current students dictate the right and wrong of a&m might mean being labeled bigoted former students in the future for the views they hold about campus today – netflix and drill
having been pressured into standing another four hours to watch a middling football program struggle through conference play hundreds of two-percenters silently sat in protest during the war hymn at kyle field saturday evening the protest was reportedly a response to calls from the universitys administration old army and sanctimonious freshmen who insist that everyone attend and stand through the entirety of every home game regardless of entertainment value junior protester kalela harris defended the legitimacy of the demonstration this is the only way we can get the redasses to listen at this point said harris were tired its hot our feet hurt the music is loud and the guy behind us keeps screaming ‘go for it on fourth and fifteen we want to go home our silence will speak for us there was immediate backlash and confusion in the student section as fans trying to lock arms with protesters to saw varsitys horns off were left hanging freshman rodney ballard was one of many to take to facebook and draft an angry response theres just no excuse for refusing to stand and sing the war hymn wrote ballard on his personal facebook page seeing upperclassmen show such disrespect is appalling i went to fish camp and im in a flo so im pretty sure im already a better aggie than these snowflakes protesters assert that remaining seated during the war hymn is not about disrespecting a gameday tradition but about peacefully expressing that they would have rather stayed in their apartment done some homework and caught up on rick & morty i hear a lot of people saying ‘if you dont like it dont show up to the games said harris its not that simple all my friends clear their schedules and then expect me to show up and sweat my ass off so yeah im going to sit down until i absolutely have to stand they can play that song to chig-gar-roo-gar-rem and back as far as i care hullakazoo
the mafia has taken root at texas a&m in a shocking revelation the mugdown discovered that the mob has taken over transportation services and set up a massive extortion operation that relies on revenues from parking tickets and parking permits the mob under the leadership of don goodfella who agreed to be interviewed via payphone has set up a system of intimidation to ensure that as many students as possible feel they must buy a parking pass the first step was scaring the bus drivers into submission yanno the first step was takin down the bus system said goodfella if people think that they can get to campus using reliable public transit then were done its over goodnight so when we set up shop we started takin the old drivers out for a little ride to lake bryan and if they liked our suggestion then we brought ‘em into the family if they didnt we fed ‘em to the fishes easy as that after derailing the efficiency of the bus system goodfella began hiring students to recklessly ride through campus on bikes to ruin the reputation of bikers we needed everyone to think that people who ride bikes are total morons said goodfella and we didnt hire just anyone either no we got people from every part of campus ysee we got the christians the frat boys the flos the maroon coats all the pretentious people we could get our hands on to make riding bikes and scooters look like somethin only schmucks did after securing parking garages and parking lots the mob began raising permit prices and then punishing those who refused to pay by employing their army of rabid parking lot attendants if you dont pay for your protection then we cant help what happens to you said goodfella you wanna deal with our parking lot attendants be my guest you wanna take a ride on the spirit bus be my guest you dont wanna pay my fee go ahead but the thing is everyoneand i mean everyonepays fish daddy
for decades students at texas a&m have been participating in ring dunks the way a ring dunk looks has evolved over the years but the spirit behind the tradition has remained the same these days most students opt to dunk their ring from the bottom of a giant pile of cocaine the whole experience is quite the rush said ryan ardman a senior marketing major you bury your ring in a pile of blow and then youve got to do hit after hit until you finally get to your ring i invited all of my friends and family to my ring dunk and my parents even took a video that you can see on my facebook ardman was initially unsure about dunking from a mound of coke but he gained confidence by practicing on a few occasions leading up to the big day if you can just set your mind to it its not too bad said adams leaving it out overnight before your big day can help the coke settle a bit making it easier to ingest quickly just make sure you choose a cut of cocaine that youre not too fond of because you probably wont want to snort that type ever again some students are a bit more hesitant to participate in this tradition sarika hammond a junior biology major took a while to get comfortable with the idea i just dont understand why it has to be an entire pile of cocaine why cant it just be one line said hammond for a while i didnt think i was going to dunk i dont even like cocaine but then all of my best friends planned a ring dunk together i wanted to dunk with them so i sucked it up and snorted a pile of powder i ended up having the fastest time at my ring dunk and i was so high for the rest of the party the university does not officially condone dunking your ring from a massive mound of cocaine but it encourages students to engage in all of the rich traditions beloved by aggies rolled up dollar bills and razor blades bearing the texas a&m logo can even be found for sale in the msc bookstore some students like freshman andrew martinez still have a hard time buying into the hype i just dont understand why anyone would ever want to dunk their ring in cocaine said martinez shaking his head in confusion everyone ive ever talked to acts like they dont want to do it but then they do it anyways i guess by the time i get my ring ill probably end up dunking it in cocaine too aggies have been doing it for forever after all interyellar
since the traffic nightmare of the 2013 texas a&m game against alabama texas a&ms department of transportation has worked to find a more efficient way of reducing post-game traffic and accidents normally this consists of closing more common routes in an effort to disperse traffic onto smaller roads throughout college station in its latest efforts to cut back on the time it takes spectators to travel home from kyle field post-game transportation services has announced that they will be barricading all roads and streets within college station city limits on game day over the years weve tried many different ways to funnel all traffic into highly congested roads and i think this is our best effort to date said doug williams director of transportation services during a press conference on tuesday morning by barricading all roads and side streets in college station for the entirety of the day our estimates suggest at least a 2-4 hour reduction in the amount of time it takes to get anywhere in college station from kyle field the trend we have noticed each year is that the more roads we have closed off the more people decide to walk allowing for more room on the road the catch this year is that there will be no place for vehicle transportation whatsoever allowing pedestrians to make full use of the open road to make their way safely home i think this is a really good idea said katie jameson a freshman allied health major when asked her thoughts on the departments announcement one time i was leaving one of the games with my boyfriend and an accident on george bush had us stuck there for hours i think the best way to avoid that happening again is to remove all cars from the roads during game day the new plan will consist of closing all major roadsincluding george bush university and texasas well as every side street in the city the barricades will go up beginning at 6am this saturday and will stay up with an armed guard at every post until 1am sunday morning transportation services is advising all game attendees to leave the boots behind and wear a good pair of tennis shoesyoull need ‘em mugdown staff
i am a good faithful aggie man i love my friends and my family but most of all i love texas a&m so naturally football season means quite a lot to me i love having the family come into town for the games i love coming together with friends around the barbeque however there is so much about this special day that is focused on more than just what i want maroon out is about us that is what makes it so special unfortunately it seems to me like our society has started to shift its focus away from what really matters when it comes to maroon out instead of being about the people we surround ourselves with for many it has become all about possessions and consumerism its true: one of the most iconic features of maroon outright down to the first one everis the maroon t-shirts i am certainly not slandering the shirts themselves i think we can all remember that amazing feeling that we all felt as kids when we rushed to open our drawers and don our maroon out shirts after a night of restless sleep it is just such a shame that it becomes more and more about the shirts each year than what they actually represent: bringing everyone together and being thankful for all that a&m has provided for us each year it just feels like the game day marketing season begins earlier and earlier maroon out is in november and im seeing advertisements for it as early as labor day it makes me wonder what happened to this great nation our values are slipping away from us each and every day i know it isnt just me noticing all of this you go into aggieland outfitters and they have all of their maroon out decorations up so darn early the shirts are there on the shelves before they have even put away the texas a&m swimsuits its ridiculous i know all of this is a result of this participation-trophy-giving pc culture movement going around even down here in texas and dont even think about feeding me this happy holidays! crap; its maroon out dammit please let us work together to uphold the sanctity of maroon out this maroon out season as you hold your family close while the war hymn plays and the grill crackles and pops remember why you are there in the first place the 12th mannot the corporations and media profiting off our football beliefsis the reason for the season bacon & ags
the office of the commandant held an emergency meeting to address an incident that happened in the aggie band dormitories last night with hazing occurring in a zone that should be secure leaders knew they had a crisis on their hands zachary mitchell a junior cadet in a-company was hanging up his newly-wired uniform only to notice that someone had bent all of his wire hangers rendering them useless the entire dorm fell into a state of chaos as staff attempted to identify the perpetrator we sit through a discipline brief every semester where we hear the stories but nobody really believes it can happen to them said mitchell this has been the worst abuse ive suffered throughout my entire time in the corps of cadets colonel glenn starnes on behalf of the office of the commandant gave a statement to the public: this is not the first time we have dealt with a situation like this we have a tried-and-true method that consistently gives us the results were looking for shortly after col starnes announced that roger graham a sophomore cadet in h-1 would be stripped of his uniform and removed from the corps thats impossible said adam haden grahams old lady hes at his sisters wedding in california! hes not coming back until after the weekend colonel starnes then announced that cadet haden would also be removed from the corps effective immediately for being an accomplice to hazing i am so glad we were able to get to the bottom of this said rachel charles of b-company we are all so lucky to have a commandant who knows how to handle these situations so professionally! the mugdown had several questions for the colonel concerning how a pisshead could haze a junior halfway across the country however our representative was approached by colonel hawes and told to stay quiet or things would get ugly hazed and confused
aggies have proudly kept texas a&ms fun and strange traditions alive for decades however the campus has undergone many changes over the years with the acceptance of women non-regs and the opening of a starbucks inside the corps of cadets quad in response to the changes a few of the most redass aggies have decided to take some of our current traditions to the extreme as a ploy to bring back the spirit of old army walk under the century tree become connected for life lovers who choose to walk under the century tree together will now truly be connected for life when you and your soulmate come out on the other side you will find yourselves physically attached at the hip unable to separate think of it like the twins who are born with connecting heads only surgery will be able to tear you and your partner apart after taking this romantic stroll sex after each aggie touchdown its no secret that the aggies havent been putting up points like they used to the poor performance has affected love livesfewer touchdowns means fewer opportunities to kiss your date to make up for the lack of physical intimacy the stakes are being raised… and so is the sexual tension when the players score 6 game points you can score an extra 4 hoe-points to help prevent the spread of stis make sure to grab your 12th man condoms on the way up the ramps pond drowning the class of 2021 has already begun pond hopping with their fish camp counselors but the new way to take part in this tradition is referred to as pond drowning counselors will hold each freshmans head underwater at the different pond locations after the first freshman loses consciousness the group is able to move onto the next pond the seal is lava most students are careful to step over the koldus seal for fear of not graduating on time if even a toe should touch it however this is one tradition that many underclassmen seem to ignore in an effort to save the dying tradition the seal has been turned into broiling lava so those who step on it will instantly melt it will certainly be difficult to graduate on time if you become molten rock 12th man toilet paper be sure to start carrying your official 12th man towel at all times the university will be removing all toilet paper from campus asking that students use their 12th man towels instead this tradition is expected to increase towel sales and save trees nothing like a 12th man towel for your 12th man bowels (2-ply towels available now) wildcats lastly there will be a slight change to the wildcats juniors and seniors will now fire pistols when giving a whoop thanks to the campus carry laws students are able to carry firearms at all times making this extreme tradition very practical underclassmen who are caught whooping without privileges may be shot in the leg and subsequently attacked by a mad bull squatbucks
career fair season is in full swing as texas a&m students from all majors begin their hunt for that next internship or the start to their careers the university provides its students with the resources to land the perfect job from résumé workshops to a top-of-the-line career center it comes as a surprise then that the greatest obstacle to a successful career season is going to class university policy mandates that job interviews are not university excused absences professors take such great care to rub this into every students face that it often merits its own italicized bullet point in the syllabus naturally career fairs are also not university excused absences considering that 50 minutes of lecturing will do far more for ones career than 50 minutes of applying for jobs and speaking with industry representatives the mugdown spoke with professors who support the current absence program students should be in my class exactly when they are expected to be said dr rebecca gaudreau professor of talent management you are fooling yourself if you think that an interview will get you any closer to a job than my disconnected dead-eyed lectures will get you my class is the most important part of your day and dont you forget it for a damn second human resources professor walter chambers told the mugdown that he understands the career fair is a vital resource to his students ive been lecturing for three weeks on the importance of making an outstanding impression at the career fair but we will be having class as usual said chambers students are expected to attend career fair but must skip another professors class university authorities stand behind the official rule that these career-related events are unacceptable absences fortunately this should not cause any conflict with the students because people rarely come to college to get a job im not here to give myself the foundation necessary to begin my lifes career said maurice denali a senior finance major i just wanted to attend classes and then not apply any of that knowledge to my life after college bacon & ags
the mugdown recently conducted an interview with one of aggielands tenured transportation services employees roger joe fillmore fillmore joined the tamu faculty in 1990 and was first in his class at the segway rider institute i sat down with fillmore to gain insight into his perspective and experience as a transportation services officer squatbucks: what would you say is the biggest misconception tamu students have regarding transportation services roger joe fillmore: well most students think were out to get everyone and have no basis behind the parking tickets we distribute thats simply not true we only target students who are running late for exams cyclists who dont stop for a full two seconds at stop signs and cars with sorority decals s: well is there a way students can avoid getting parking tickets rjf: id suggest taking the bus s: speaking of the buses is there a plan to increase incentive for bus drivers weve heard there is a shortage of about 80 employees rjf: no but we do plan to have a new bus route that takes future hotel guests straight from the lobby to the gates of kyle field s: interesting have you ever given out a parking ticket that you realized was a mistake rjf: actually yes only once when it was very dark outside i was out on duty when i noticed a parked truck taking up two lanes on bizzell street their lights were off and the thru traffic had no way around them a line of maybe seven or eight cars had formed behind the truck at this point so i wrote up a ticket and stuck it on the windshield making sure to take a picture of the evidence when i took the picture the camera light shined on the side of the truck and i realized it was mine s: did you appeal it rjf: [chuckles] i sure did s: and rjf: they denied it they snatched those $30 right out of my paycheck s: join the club! i have another big question: do you think we as a campus are lacking parking spaces for handicapped individuals rjf: ah im glad you asked this question we try our best to make sure that the handicap spaces are only occupied by vehicles with a handicap permit s: but do you think there are actually enough handicap parking spaces rjf: no actually i dont i hate to admit that but we seem to have an infrastructure problem s: yeah thats what it seems like is there a solution rjf: id suggest taking the bus s: is there anything else youd like tamu students to know about transportation services rjf: well there is something id like to share its a new project weve been working on im honored to announce that we will be using the autonomous driving vehicles to distribute parking tickets on foot or segway its impossible for us to catch all the violators so the new ais will help to pick up the slack and make justice more efficient we would like to thank mr fillmore for taking time to meet with us and discuss the myths and mysteries behind transportation services squatbucks
a lack of effort from the 12th man during football games has led the student government association to develop a method of correcting the student bodys behavior they have created committee on campus security to enforce and protect the traditions of texas a&m known as the kkb the group is composed of volunteers who remain discreet so as not to alert fellow students our goal is to blend in with the rest of students so we can see who participates in traditions or not said leo demidov chair of the committee on campus security many students have expressed their concern with important traditions dying out during a poor football season the kkb is hoping to bring back the things that set a&m apart we want all students to see our traditions as mandatory said vasili nikitin a sophomore kinesiology major under the new policy a student caught ignoring or disrespecting any tradition will be recorded by the kkb and brought in for questioning where an appropriate course of action will be voted on by members of the council the point of questioning them is to understand why a student is ignoring tradition and to help us ensure crimes against the university do not happen again said alexei andreyev a senior history major consequences for not participating in traditions vary from a warning for minor offences to being sent to a re-education seminar where offenders are reminded of the value of tradition my friends and i were caught not doing yells during a football game and were forced to lead yells in front of the msc for 5 hours to serve as a warning to others said ivan sukov a visibly haunted freshman agricultural communications major i accidentally stepped on the msc grass while trying to catch the bus and i had to serve 3-days hard labor with the corps said semyon okun a sophomore history major my roommate was found guilty of sitting during a football game and i havent seen her in a week said freshman business major raisa despina in order to encourage students to keep traditions alive on campus students are urged to report the names of peers not participating as a form of self-policing while the corps of cadets may be the keepers of the spirit we like to think of ourselves as the enforcers of the spirit said demidov details regarding how to join the kkb can be found on the committee on campus security tab on the sga website – lil event
with a new year duncan dining hall has been reopened with the promise to better serve cadets the first few weeks of school were uneventful until the definition of hazing was read to freshmen cadets during their first discipline brief since then reports of self-hazing have seen a massive uptick i immediately understood that forcing myself to eat the food at duncan dining hall was in line with the information on the universitys website said ian possum a freshman engineering major and member of n-1 according to the university making myself eat or drink foreign or unusual substances such as raw meat salt water onions or hot peppers is considered hazing all of these are served regularly in duncan the decision to speak out against the rampant self-hazing going on within duncan dining hall was not limited to fish or their mothers i recognized an unlawful order and i could no longer commit to hazing myself said roy mayweather a senior cadet after hearing the definition of hazing read to me for the 7th time i knew it was finally time to speak up last night a scene of chaos unfolded as a number of freshmen began standing up from their seats going to cadet training officers in the room and shouting sir no sir while standing at attention in front of them twenty years in the marine corps and i had never seen anything close to the confusion of last night said gunnery sergeant puller we told them to shout that when facing an unlawful order but they didnt really know what to do after that the office of the commandant has yet to come out with an official stance on the matter as their typical yearly tithe of 10% of the corps to hazing charges was surpassed during that single dinner there is no mention of plans to charge chartwells as an accomplice to the misconduct cadets remain skeptical over whether chartwells will get involved as that may lead to the quality of food improving – hazed and confused & netflix and drill
despite humanitarian outcry and protest freshmen students experienced one of texas a&ms oldest traditions for the first time thursday night as the a&m student body celebrated the annual raffle ceremony at kyle field it was amazing said freshman jerrod mclaren i walked to kyle with my dg friends when we reached the east side stands i looked around and saw 45 000 of my fellow aggies quietly standing ready for the ceremony it was breathtaking standing before the students at mid-field was president michael young and four large wooden boxes all the screens in the stadium read four will be chosen in white lettering once all students had arrived young began the ceremony howdy young said lets get started president young reached into the first box labeled freshmen pulled out a small slip of paper with a students name on it and read it out loud he pulled one slip out of each of the boxes marked sophomores juniors and seniors as well and read those names over the loudspeaker the four students were quickly retrieved from the crowd and brought to the field once the raffle winners were restrained spectators were instructed to throw their commemorative aggie spirit stones™ until the students perished the raffle has found its fair share of critics but current and former students have come to its defense i know the raffle isnt perfect said sophomore christie vanda but its what weve always done and protecting our traditions is what makes us special its like the saying goes: ‘from the outside looking in its human sacrifice from the inside looking out you cant explain it people get offended by everything nowadays said franklin burnette a local businessman and former student lets say they do get rid of the raffle next theyll be tearing down our whole identity we wont even be able to sing the war hymn wave our towels or burn liberal arts majors at the stake without outside media bossing us around young sent an email congratulating students on another successful raffle the administration couldnt be more proud of the student bodys participation and enthusiasm for this great tradition said young dont forget the hunting of the grad students is just around the corner weapons and torches are available in the msc bookstore hullakazoo
today is the day fellow ags congratulations to all of the normally-paced seniors and overachieving should-be juniors who earned the piece of gold that will no doubt ensure you land a job anywhere your little heart desires the mugdown has compiled necessary steps that both ring recipients and families should take to preserve this day as one thats more important than graduation for the ring recipients: printed/electronic instagram post holding i ordered my aggie ring two forms of id and ticket this year the association has new requirements for picking up your ring in years past two forms of id and your ticket were sufficient enough to transform into a truly employable aggie however starting this september each senior will be required to present the instagram photo they posted the day they ordered their gold along with the two forms of id and the ring day passbook ticket after all pics or you didnt order it in-focus picture of aggie ring whether you are giggling or crying hysterically in the moment it does not matter because only your hand will be in focus all that matters is that your future is set because you finally earned it as stated above pics or it didnt happen make sure you decide who will put on your ring before the time comes nothing is more uncomfortable than having your redass old army cargo-short-wearing dad get in a discussion with your mom over who will be sliding that piece of gold on your finger your mom probably deserves that honor more after all of the hour-long phone calls about tests and breakups; however play it safelet your grandma do it for the families: this is not an hour-long ceremony! dont be confused by all of the hype and sweaty people your beloved recipient may beg you to drive for hours and take off work but more likely than not you will be saying to yourself that was it bring that fan you got from the nationwide booth before the last home game you will be wondering why you are drenched in sweat wearing heels or boots waiting to watch your second cousin (the one that is really hard to get along with) put a ring on their finger but youre related and youre aggies so youll be there better dig out that crappy fan from your bedroom trash binyoure going to need it metta world pizza & good bullogna
students are excited for the new app coming to college station this semester: chorewhores chorewhores allows a college student to request a maid any time of the day to clean their house for a small fee cleaning services include organizing the house doing dishes taking out trash sweeping mopping sanitizing and any other simple tasks that college students are too busy to do the maids for chorewhores are sourced by the community and anyone can sign up i am so excited to take on this part-time job during college said molly paquan a freshman psychology major doing chores are very easy for me and its something i will probably have to do for the rest of my life similar to uber the app will feature surge pricing during certain high-volume times such as saturday and sunday mornings ring days and family weekend sign up for the app is easy as it only requires a student email password and parents credit card number this will radically change my performance in school said matthew kolty a sophomore supply chain major i have wasted so much of my valuable time doing useless chores that my roommates annoy me about but now i can just outsource everything however when asked about his 5-hour daily average for online gaming kolty declined to comment the only current roadblock for chorewhores is the complaints dealing with the apps name we understand the misogynistic overtones in the name but we feel it perfectly conveys the purpose of the app said chorewhores ceo and junior finance major travis nalakick were willing to make that trade off the app will be available just in time for this coming ring weekend 12th man bowels
earlier this morning after being reported missing for three days texas a&m student riley nelson was found by university police nelson a freshman english major went missing earlier this week while trying to find her car parked on the fourth floor of west campus garage nelson survived by using her camelback to collect water dripping down the walls of the garages lower levels while sleeping under a car one night nelson was attacked by a bat and used a discarded whataburger bag to dress her wounds i felt bad killing the bat but it was him or me said nelson if that bat could have eaten me it would have in fact i think it was trying to many students were left puzzled wondering why nelson could not just phone a friend for help or arrange a ride home after two hours of searching my phone lost power from draining itself trying to find a signal said nelson i didnt want to ask others for help because i didnt want to be that loser who lost their car in the parking garage officer jeremiah paulson of upd identified nelson as the missing student after noticing she was picking up trash off of the ground students normally either leave trash behind in the garage or walk by it meanwhile nelson seemed to be gathering it said officer paulson nelson is expected to make a full recovery after her grueling 72 hour stay in west campus garage i just hope that my story inspires others to ask for help when looking for their parking spot said nelson –lil event & netflix and drill
when the commons began its two-year renovation it sent shockwaves through the on-campus culture forcing south side students to walk all the way to the msc or worse sbisa for food and entertainment the reopening of the commons is a monumental shift in the pace of on-campus life however upperclassmen that toured the commons out of curiosity and nostalgia expressed surprise and frustration regarding the new furnishings most complaints focused on the quality and aesthetic appeal of what the mugdown has termed new commons its so freakin nice! said junior electrical engineering major jedidiah moseley the commons isnt supposed to be nice; its supposed to be grungy and depressing that was the whole point! moseley cited the poor conditions of the old commons as a bonding experience requisite of being an aggie if you didnt almost slip on the old floors when they were being cleaned if you didnt stay up until 3am crying on those stained old couches and if youd didnt have ping-pong tournaments with all of the broken paddles i dont know if i can even call you a true aggie said moseley the biggest trigger for moseley however was the notion that the basement will open as a fully functioning food court very similar to sbisa oh hell no said moseley the old pizza the over-sized pasta portions with rosa sauce the undercooked chick-fil-a: those were iconic! i wouldnt be the person i am without them! i wouldnt have made my closest friends if we didnt have to struggle through that crap together! at a time when other proposed changes to the a&m experience are working their way through the system upperclassmen stress that the new commons presents the single greatest threat to a&ms culture and history i simply cant believe that people at this university are trying to make the aggie experience easier and better said randall givle a senior international studies major the nerve of some people! all theyre doing is pampering kids not giving them a taste of the real world life is difficult and a&m is shielding them from the inevitable reality of life when asked whether any of the resentment surrounding the new commons stemmed from jealousy over incoming students having it easier givle responded with a condescending laugh first of upperclassmen will never be jealous of freshmen dont be stupid said givle second all of this newfangled crap isnt going to make things better having nice things isnt going to let kids bond as much as my friends and i did our experiences with the old commons are all that matter; nothing could ever be as good frickin new army fish daddy
constant construction across campus is a familiar sight for all texas a&m students freshmen are often confused when crossing campus unaware of the changing building names throughout a sea of forklifts and caution tape freshman jack christy discovered that the fitdesk bike desks installed in august at evans medical sciences and west campus libraries are in fact not part of the renovated student recreation center christy a kinesiology major has begun visiting the library since before classes started and utilizes the bikes as part of his daily workout routine i just wanted to get my weekly cycle in said christy with a shrug back home i was the kicker for my high school football team so im a super athletic guy the bikes were so nice and i could even set my laptop up to watch netflix i just assumed it was the rec christy is not the only student utilizing the exercise bikes on a daily basis as evans library increasingly becomes a social hub for starbucks enthusiasts the space has also become a natural home for workout enthusiasts the bikes were installed for students who lack the spare time to make the ten-minute trek to the rec and would rather sweat it out while writing a pols 207 current events paper there are even wipes supplied so that perspiring students dont leave traces of their sweat on the desk surface following their strenuous workouts amaris larson an electrical engineering major in her fifth year reminisced on a time when the library was just a library every time i go to evans to study in my favorite corner on the 5th floor i hear grunting noises all the way from the exercise bikes said larson why cant those pumped-up maniacs just go to the rec and leave evans as it was i hate the starbucks too they dont have those muffins that poor yoricks used to stock i miss those muffins due to increased wait time for exercise machines at the rec students are flocking to the machines at the three libraries following a texas a&m health science center report that showed the $54 million renovation of the student recreation center has been ineffective at combatting the freshman 15 the texas a&m university libraries are stepping up to help conquer the issue we are recommending students laminate their notes to prevent them from perspiring all over their papers said library associate susan deijkstra students wont need to bring headphones to the library anymore because they will have a constant serenade of grunts and dripping sweat coming from the exercise bikes the chorus of heavy breathing and slapping thighs could beat the new taylor swift or katy perry song any day buffalo wild wags
saturdays win against ul lafayette not only brought joy to aggie fans but also relief for the video editors at 12th man productions its been a stressful job for us this season since my position is centered on making the aggies look good via hype videos said jonah redding a student editor we tried using some ucla clips but that blue and gold just kills the mood were grateful to have this new footage to pick from recent weeks have been depressing for the editing team as rumors of downsizing spread around the office one student worker even thought she heard a fan yell fire someone during the nicholls state game thinking the fan must have been talking about the people who create the videos its not even our fault the student worker reportedly yelled back to combat the lack of footage the creative team was forced to find ways to build hype in more innovative ways techniques included an excessive amount of shots of fans at football games videos of players warming up and when needed clips of former aggies or the handful of highlights from the first two games when using video from the ucla game however the team used a black-and-white edit in post-production to prevent fans from realizing what game the clips were from we do what we can to stay alive said nina freeman senior supervisor for 12th man productions if we cant make hype videos then there are plenty of other things that get fans going like whenever cameras catch someone on 3rd deck swinging a 12 foot chain of towels or zooming in on cute 2-year-olds in maroon as for now well bank on the highlights from the ul lafayette game to carry the aggie spirit through the rest of the season 12th man bowels
the conflict between co-consuls bobby brooks and bobby ramirez has erupted into near–civil war between aggielands two leading citizens consul brooks election to consulship was met with accusations of illegitimacy creating tensions with the cadet legionaries who hold dear the values of their republic the recent policy decisions crafted on the floor of koldus forum have inspired an uprising consul ramirez appeared at the head of the i ii and iii winged legions as they crossed rubicon street marching from their garrison in upper west campus the cadets were promised additional grain allowances for duncan dining hall and to be awarded land in the province of off campus at the end of their four year service said consul ramirez these promises have not been fulfilled and thus among other threats to our republic i must confront those threatening in the student senate as consul ramirez draws closer to campus he will be joined by the parsonii horsemen and the i ii and iii regimente legions from their stronghold in the province of north gatae consul brooks needs to be brought to justice for his violation of the campus pact with cadet legionnaires said gaius kaiser a cadet of the iii regimente legion the ideals of the republic must be preserved and that begins with taking care of her selfless servants the legionaries on the floor of the koldus forum consul brooks denounced the actions of his co-consul and called upon his legionary cadet commander brett sauer to defend the student senate et tu bobby said consul brooks as he fled east towards golf coursus along with most of the student senate when the news of consul ramirez crossing rubicon street reached main campus without its leading consul or student senate to govern the capital and its citizens were sent into a frenzy with no semblance of order the absence of a student government ceased all functions and the existence of civilization on main campus without the i ii and iii brigada legions enforcing the senators policies looting and riots have become widespread not even the sacred temple of kyle was left untouched by the student-citizens–turned–barbarians many within the student senate predicted the danger of allowing both a popular cadet legionary and citizen of the republic to take the office of consulship in last years elections only time will tell if consul ramirez wants justice for his legionaries or to hold power over the republic with both the corps and the senate in his grasp – netflix and drill
for years the signs which indicate parking lots and dot the texas a&m campus have confounded students and faculty alike recently however tamus team of renowned archaeologists may have cracked the prehistoric code behind their symbolism most students are familiar with these ancient monoliths each sign prominently displays one two orin some rare casesthree arabic numerals though relics of a bygone era (which some historical texts refer to as the time of plentiful parking bounty) it has been well-established that these numbers indicate the parking lots number studies have yet to confirm why each lot was assigned a completely irrelevant number all of these facts however have been studied and discussed extensively the true breakthrough lies in the signs other symbols claims project lead dr ted goebel its no surprise that these… structures… tell us where to park what is surprising though is that they also explain how said goebel indeed it appears that the artwork above the lot numbers actually indicates facts such as where game day parking is or which lots are free after 5 pm after last semesters success with the expedition into the depths of blocker dr goebels team was assigned to study these parking signs in the process of travelling from lot to lot the archaeology crew faced two cases of heat exhaustion a bike accident and over a dozen parking tickets the crews biggest obstructions though were the traffic gates and pedestrian crowds on campus the caravan was often forced to wait until nightfall to maneuver to the deeply interior lots such as beutel and lot 6 the prehistoric lot nomads wrote down a set of laws to guide their parking on these signs said goebel because each tribe had a different set of symbols eventually they all lost meaning and parking information was passed down by oral tradition today people only know where to park because they heard it from somewhere else the actual information died out long ago though there is still much to learn about these parking signs goebel is confident in his discoveries i pay to park in koldus anyway; those signs are way outdated bacon & ags
anger and discontent permeated campus on wednesday morning as reckless moron ricky pflieger decided to ride his bicycle through a crowded sidewalk clearly designed for foot traffic pflieger a sophomore communications major and inconsiderate jerk defended the action the sidewalks are just so crowded and the buses are slow so i figured i would get a bike said the imbecile who has no regard for common courtesy i know there are designated bike lanes on roads that are almost completely traffic-free with the exception of some buses but i figured if i just plowed through innocent pedestrians i could get to the front door of harrington and wouldnt have to use the back door freshman rodrigo visigo was one of the many students left in the wake of destruction im only a freshman and even i know that according to title 7 subtitle c chapter 551 of the texas state transportation code statutes ‘a bicycle is a vehicle and a person operating a bicycle has the rights and duties applicable to a driver operating a vehicle said visigo whose conscience gives him a sense of how his actions might affect those around him all laws and signs regulating the movement of vehicles upon the roadway also apply to bicycles despite the outrage shared by every pedestrian on campus by wednesday afternoon campus scorn shifted to a junior political science major oblivious half-wit aleisha davis had caused every pedestrian on the sidewalk to step off into mud in front of the northgate post office despite the entire road being one giant goddamn bike lane north by northgate
following a move by the office of the commandant at saturdays game texas a&m university felt called to renew their campaign against intolerance the ability for the corps of cadets to demonstrate their stand against bigotry by a small gesture at march-in has revolutionized campus policy starting on friday the university will begin constructing a massive virtue signal on the roof of koldus to shine on rudder tower in the advent of racial incidents on campus or other sensitive issues such as student mental health or sexual assault the school will simply shine a phrase such as bthohate or we hate racists too on the side of rudder tower for all of campus to see after receiving the support and strong reactions to such powerful imagery we see this as the only option moving forward said dr anne reber dean of student life changing policy and mandating training is a thing of the past look at the student support for this project compared to our required haven training! the signal will be capable of altering what it projects and allow for commentary on multiple issues within a matter minutes some students feel that the signal would be a poor use of university funds and is not sending the right kind of message it feels like we are just doing something without really doing anything at all said belle arrow a junior economics major i mean youll only be able to see the signal at night when most students arent even on campus i can see the intent and the goodwill behind the message said hannah reivington a senior computer engineering major it will at least make students and the university feel as if theyre doing something but not much else chancellor john sharp hopes that the signal shining bright on rudder tower will be a monument against bigotry for everyone in the brazos valley area to see chancellor sharp did not seemed worried the signal might distract from the crown jewel of aggieland the yet to-be-named hotel the only place on this campus that will be more remembered more frequented and more well-known is the building across the street netflix and drill
last week texas governor greg abbott tapped texas a&m chancellor john sharp to spearhead the state-wide rebuilding effort in the wake of hurricane harvey abbott explained this at a press conference after he announced the decision harvey was an unprecedented disaster for the gulf coast of texas said abbott in order to combat disasters we need a man who is intimately familiar with them and chancellor sharp is that man sharp goes to work every day surrounded by the disaster that is texas a&ms infrastructure so i am excited to watch him apply the lessons he has learned in college station on a much larger scale the first step for sharp was to establish public transit for the thousands who lost their cars in the historic flooding to this end texas a&m transportation services will be extending all of their off-campus bus routes to include stops throughout the greater houston area lets face it if youre taking the bus to class you werent going to get there on time anyway said sharp anticipating the student outcry as route 12 buses add stops in katy midtown and clear lake whats an extra hour or six in the grand scheme of things in addition sharp has also announced that all houston food banks will be privatized and outsourced to chartwells well-known for their occasionally edible food restricted hours and extortionate pricing chartwells will be able to provide a service where public aid falls short entry to a chartwells relief center™ will require the purchase of a meal pass for a one-off meal or a dining plan for repeated visits instead of donating canned goods chartwells is encouraging donors to offer their meal passes online that can be used to swipe someone in for free lastly sharp will also be erecting many additional parking garages throughout houston many think this is a questionable decision as it contradicts the emphasis on public transit shown by his extension of the aggie spirit bus routes however sharp is adamant that this is the way forward look you just have to build parking garages said sharp in a mystifying statement at a press conference last week the how or the why doesnt matter much they simply have to be built i mean i could stop building parking garages at any time if i wanted to but i dont want to stop and so parking garages it is would you rather have a city that is underwater or a city that is not underwater and also has a lot of parking garages i know what i would choose and ill give you a hint: it begins with a ‘p and ends in ‘-arking garages [note: sharp continued to lecture on the need for parking garages in a similar fashion for several more minutes before being escorted off the stage] big brother jed
since last season the aggies have been working on new traditions that would invigorate the student and alumni sections with this years tough schedule of nicholls state ul lafayette and a&m consolidated early in the season football games were in dire need of even more traditions on saturday night the chant of first down became an instant classic each time the aggies managed to move the ball against such a phenomenal defense the chant of first down! worked the crowd into a frenzy amplified by kyle fields new dj weve seen how the chant of ‘aggies ball fills the seats at reed arena aggie football lacks that kind of spirit said head coach kevin sumlin the turnover trashcan and touchdown scepter are for the players thisthis is for the fans the student body was also excited to learn about the new traditions the 12th man foundation teased on social media starting with next weeks game against ul lafayette all classes on friday will be cancelled if they occur after 3:00pm by moving the pep rally from midnight to friday afternoon we hope to encourage the maximum amount of attendance said athletic director scott woodward the excitement doesnt stop there as commandant joe ramirez announced a fresh new look for the band at halftime on texags appearance is key in order for our band to be able to compete with the likes of the marching band from tigerland a&m consolidated we must look at how we dress our uniforms must be on par with our competition said brigadier general joe ramirez there are even more new uniforms in store as the aggie dance team will be stepping on the field next week in all white the dance team will begin working with the yell leaders in order to pump up the crowd and lead the exciting new yells such as lets go aggies and d-e-f-e-n-s-e i am really excited to be working with the aggie dance team and i look forward to seeing those maroon and white pompoms get the people going said yell leader ken belden personally i cant wait to link pinkies during kickoff with the rest of the yell squad in a change of events the student body appreciated president youngs email friday afternoon announcing nominations were now open for this years homecoming court netflix and drill
texas a&m university made national headlines over the summer when it announced that self-driving cars will be made a part of life in college station the project has since expanded with cars beginning to drive around bryan–college station roads however an unintended side effect of this development can be found in a software feature which allows the vehicle to learn local traffic patterns based on interactions with surrounding drivers drivers across college station have remarked that the cars moving around campus have seamlessly blended into the traffic patterns and habits of the area i watched a white sedan with a&m logos all over it shoot out of the h-e-b parking lot and cross three lanes of traffic before flying through a red light at holleman said del spooner a junior forensic science major i didnt even know it was driving itself until it passed me and i saw the car was empty other students have noticed the cars behavior becoming inseparable from the conduct of other drivers on campus i was in koldus garage when i saw a car take a right turn down the exit ramp to get out of the garage quicker i really didnt think anything of it until i saw that no one was behind the wheel said cap richards a senior classics major it even honked at a pedestrian about to walk in front of the garage exit before speeding away the transition hasnt been without victims the texas a&m transportation institute sought to put the technology to public good by automating the organization carpool they always said automation was the future but i guess i didnt take it seriously enough when looking at student organizations to join said giacomo zapparoni a senior supply chain management major and former carpool driver one night youre driving people back from northgate blasting disney songs and the next night some freshman is telling you ‘the future is now old man the only malfunction reported thus far is a bug that causes the car to brake suddenly and then speed up several times when taking a right from university drive onto texas avenue unable to decide the proper course of action vehicle data logs also indicate a tendency to speed up when a bike is crossing an upcoming intersection netflix & drill
texas a&m transportation services recognized ed martinez a campus bus driver with nearly three years of experience with the spirit of the aggie spirit award early monday morning after heroically delivering students to their 8:15 am classes perfectly on-time ed martinez is being recognized today for going above and beyond the call of duty said robyn ashbee president of texas a&m transportation services he isnt expected to take class schedules into account but he makes sure his route runs perfectly on-time to ensure no student has to worry about being marked late or absent regardless of whether its at 8:15 10:32 or 11:28 north by northgate
texas a&m announced friday that the glbt resource center offices will be relocated by mid-september the resource center established as a safe haven for queer aggie students will move from its current location at white creek to a utility closet on west campus i guess there were a few signs but i was still surprised said bryce merrick a junior business major who has been a regular visitor to the resource center over the last two years i came in and one of the student workers pulled me aside and said ‘bryce i have to tell you something important were being put in a closet i thought it might have been a metaphor or the start of a thesis paper but no an actual closet awaits us this relocation follows another one made over the summer in august the glbt resource center joined the ranks of student services standing in the way of the universitys hotel project (and building-sized cash machine) and was also whisked away to white creek until a new location could be arranged freshman general studies major leanna brady was unconcerned im sure theyll be fine said brady what do they even need there skinny jeans and frank ocean records on vinyl the resource center maintains that it will continue to provide campus involvement and referral services despite employees and student workers having to step over a mop bucket to get to its only surviving desk i just hope we arent expected to stay in here for long merrick said on the bright side the janitor who keeps his equipment here seems pretty accepting hullakazoo this article was first published in our print edition released on august 30th 2017 pick up a copy in the msc evans quadbucks the commons or wehner before theyre gone!
between class studying and extracurricular involvement the majority of students at a&m dont have the stamina to take on anything else however there are the bold few that try their hand at starting an entrepreneurial venture we decided to delve into the entrepreneurial community at texas a&m in order to showcase the imaginative spirit of these students gustavo patton a junior marketing major shared the humble beginnings of his photography business my parents gave me a dope nikon for christmas this year and i figured i might as well make some money said patton all i did was adjust the aperture and throw some nice edits on my instagram pics and the business came flooding in patton is also contemplating adding his own all-natural candle line to accentuate his business photography is my true passion said bessie francis a sophomore communications major it all started when i was editing some old pictures in the msc and i heard some people whispering about how hip i was that really sparked my heart to start my own photography business francis goal is to be a full-time wedding photographer and is getting most of her practice by taking pictures of her roommates in the most photogenic areas of the historic district merrill pinkerton a junior allied health major is the mugdowns last featured entrepreneur my photos are a pure expression of my life as reflected on social media said pinkerton i think my well-documented trips to every national park in california and my 4000 instagram followers are a true testament to my vision and skill pinkertons hand lettering skills are also featured on all major social media platforms and can be purchased along with her photos the enterprises of these pioneers give a small glimpse into the wide range of talent put on display by student-run businesses koldus & cream this article was first published in our print edition released on august 30th 2017 pick up a copy in the msc evans quadbucks the commons or wehner before theyre gone!
yesterday students in the msc flag room witnessed texas a&m student jonathan michaels bemoaning the fact that he would have to learn about vectors yet again michaels a sophomore mechanical engineering major went on to list every course that began the semester with a week of instruction on vectors i just know that were going to go over vectors again in meen 225 and math 251 said michaels but cmon weve done this like a million times a baby could solve these vector problems like we get it theres a direction and a magnitude whoop-de-doo other engineers sitting with michaels nodded in zealous agreement as he continued his dismissive monologue: i mean we never even use vectors why do we have to do this vectors dont even come up for the rest of the semester this kid is in for a rude awakening mitchell alterbrook said in passing with a dark chuckle when asked for clarification the 5th year civil engineering student added math 251 is almost entirely based on vectors; in fact most of his classes from here on out are going to be vector–heavy this is only the beginning why cant we have a free syllabus week it would be so nice to just relax said michaels drawing rapturous applause from his robotic engineering cronies none of them wanted to point out that mere moments earlier michaels had been complaining about how easy vectors were and stated how [learning about vectors] was beneath an engineer like myself despite professing an aptitude in vectors at time of publication michaels was unable to explain the difference between a dot product or a cross product saying uh… it has something to do with how ones product is a scalar and ones still a vector but im not 100% sure gingerbredass
fundamentals of aggie social media
this past week many have fallen victim to a torrent of fraternity parties throughout the bryan/college station area women participating in the events without the excuse of sorority recruitment have faced some of the most extreme devastating and deafening frat parties in almost nine years mallory halep sophomore communications major found herself a survivor of a darty thrown by an unmentioned fraternity last friday my mom warned me of this upcoming wave of parties said halep she instructed me to buy lots of bottled water and stay away from driving on these roads full of ‘crazy college kids halep even took it a step further by trying to stock up on pedialyte but found both heb and walmart were completely out of supply upon her arrival to the fraternity party halep was greeted by relentless beer showers and a house flooded one inch deep in trash can punch an unabating bombardment of frat boys engaged halep in unwanted conversation but a tactical female rescue team repeatedly deflected the suitors one female rescue volunteer even signaled an uber to take halep back to safety by early saturday morning halep found herself in the comfort of her own home able to call herself a survivor halep quickly turned to facebook to mark herself safe after the fraternity party friends family and classmates halep had not talked to since middle school were relieved when facebook provided this notification i realize how much danger is out there in college station and i was able to rest easy knowing mallory was okay said nancy patton-smith haleps 9th grade softball coach haydin sherman a sophomore finance major halep met last year during gig ‘em week added to be honest i forgot all about mallory but its cool shes safe and all nonetheless there were still critics of halep who claimed that using facebook for this matter was a little unnecessary but both sides can agree that at least she waited until after the event to mark herself as safe good bullogna
students spend a significant part of their time in college figuring out who they are and what makes them unique for a majority of aggies being unique means wearing comfort colors from gig ‘em howdy week to ring day comfort colors t-shirts have always been there to swaddle aggies in their soft embrace it is only appropriate then that these important cultural garments are finally available to accompany students in the final moments of their college careers according to an msc barnes & noble representative graduation caps and gowns will now be available in comfort colors maroon we know that behind each student is a network of support and we want to give students the opportunity to recognize all that have helped them said jackie steinem just as family and friends support students emotionally and mentally so too does comfort colors on a social and fashionable level student reactions to this news have been overwhelmingly positive honestly i cannot express how meaningful this is to me said davis gonzalez senior accounting major the distinct washed out tones of these shirts allow me to express myself in ways the intricate complexities of the english language cannot accommodate now i get to walk the stage feeling like the best version of myself the comfort colors graduation regalia will be available for purchase to all students special features on the gown include custom embroidery of all the organizations the student is involved in and all the date parties they have attended all gowns will include frockets for obvious utility however business majors and students in sororities and fraternities will be given special gold cords and limited edition patagonia stoles to honor their exceptional commitment to the comfort colors brand i am thrilled about the comfort colors gowns said jane ataulfo senior supply chain management major no one will be able to see the shorts i am wearing underneath the gown just like when i wear my normal comfort color shirts come and bake it
while many consider the taco cabana on texas avenue a highly respectable mexican food drive-through one aggie defensive end took time to note its importance during his college career daeshon hall is still awaiting his professional football future as the nfl draft continues through saturday however it is his future with taco cabana that leaves the 6-foot-6 266-pound pass-rusher with the most doubt those tacos were always there for me when i needed them most wherever i end up next i will do whatever i can to make sure that taco cabana opens a franchise in that city this is something that is very important to me hall said though part of a team that includes myles garrett and trevor knight both strong advocates for fuego hall remains faithful to taco c you can leave your dr pepper cowboy and fuego steak at home hall said nothing beats a cabana sampler plate with extra sour cream after a night out with the boys torchys mad taco and fuego seem to receive most of the praise from aggie fans and football players alike but taco cabana management believes the popularity of the san antonio-based fast food chain will mirror halls nfl success daeshon is a spokesman for this franchise the better he does on the field the better well do in selling tacos hes our ‘cabana boy said don malbert taco cabanas college station branch manager hall declined to comment on being called a cabana boy good bullogna
after a dangerous encounter last monday afternoon the texas a&m university police department has had to regroup and rethink the way they operate at approximately 3:00 pm officer randall matthews was doing a circuit of campus when he noticed what appeared to be a black nissan rogue parked horizontally across both lanes of the trigon blocking the passage of several buses however what officer matthews assumed would be a routine traffic citation turned out to be anything but that matthews pulled up behind the vehicle and began to exit his car when the rogue reportedly turned on its hazard lights onlookers said that matthews stood still for several seconds the color draining from his face and then re-entered his police car where he presumably radioed for backup within ten minutes several more police cars arrived and the officers began to confer seemingly at a loss for what to do by this time additional aggie spirit buses had arrived leading to a traffic jam spreading outward from the trigon and causing a major disruption of the transit schedule mugdown reporters arrived at the scene and were able to interview the chief of tamu pd nathan strake while the driver of this vehicle is parked like a complete jackass our hands are tied said strake if a driver turns on their hazard lights theres absolutely nothing we can do about it legally speaking this car no longer exists the problem is that physically speaking theres still a roadblock in the middle of the trigon as the mugdown is a non-legal entity and renowned journalistic institution the officers requested that our reporters act as an intermediary between them and the driver acting as such our reporters were able to interview the driver of the vehicle a junior visualization student named mariel jozica i cant believe this actually worked! said jozica face flushed with excitement i saw this youtube video where some guy said that turning on your hazard lights was legally identical to a ship issuing an sos because of that its like your cars in international waters and you dont have to follow any laws! im free to park in whatever selfish manner i please with no repercussions whatsoever! however jozica did not evade rule of law quite so easily tamu pd was able to surround her vehicle until her gasoline ran out and her hazard lights turned off once her re-entry into the united states of america had been established she was taken into custody by representatives from the department of state we ask that all drivers avoid using their hazard lights unless they have fully considered the consequences of doing so big brother jed
the ever-growing college of engineering has announced that it would be hosting the 2017 commencement ceremony in kyle field reactions to the news have been mixed: while some students were excited to turn their tassels inside the home of the 12th man others recognized that the venue was outdoors making sweat a possibility not presented by the traditional venue reed arena chancellor john sharp made clear his support of the new location on thursday sharp emphasized the venues symbolic message for graduates to lower their career expectations as they have done for aggie football kyle field is a world-class football stadium a vessel that holds memories of exciting beginnings and disappointing endings said sharp engineering majors being optimists should not forget that halfway through every season we always think it will be the year texas a&m makes it to the playoffs sharp refers to the past four consecutive seasons in which the texas a&m football team started strong enough to build hope for greatness before forcing fans to settle for mediocrity as the job markets for engineering fields fluctuate a graduation at the site of sporting disappointment reminds students that $110 000/year out of college and 11+ win season are both possible yet improbable standards my hope said sharp is that a budding young nuclear engineer can walk across stage look out into the iconic stadium and think: ‘god remember when we were undefeated hosting alabama sophomore year and we thought we had a chance against them the season never recovered! what if thats what this ceremony is has senior year been my lifes bama week the moment they walk off stage they should set out to face the future with the awareness that it could all end in the world kicking the crap out of them and leaving their mangled bodies for lsu to devour hullakazoo
another school year has flown by which means its time once again to say goodbye to our own graduating senior members just as one anxiously waits for the next bit of our content to reach the public so have these friends of ours been waiting to be made known to the world their time contributing to the mugdown is coming to an end but the legacy and satire they leave behind will live on congratulations to our graduating seniors!
the student recreation centers expansion failed to deal with an issue that plagues many of the gyms regular attendees: seasonal overcrowding yet regular rec patrons have begun to notice no decrease in gym attendees who have in the past typically stopped showing up after the first round of exams many of the people tired of casual goers overcrowding the gym have formed a group called tamu alternative exercise to decrease turnout at the recreation center the first sign should have been that the new years resolutioners stayed after the first three weeks said gym regular james twist once the crowd didnt diminish in time for the spring breakers to arrive i knew i would forever have to wait fifteen minutes for a squat rack the attendance rate has only increased as now the summer bod crowd arrives to finish out the semester the new organizations aim is to target the vast majority of students using the rec for one exercise before spending the next hour looking at their phone or socializing while taking up a weight platform or machine tamu alternative exercise hopes to spread their message by banner holding common facts that will justify students beliefs that they do not need to exercise at the rec at first we considered telling people they had to buy a membership at the student recreation center said junior allied health major oliver london instead we decided that holding banners with messages such as ‘lifting weights will make women bulky can accomplish the same goal since it leaves students feeling like they dont need to come at all the group plans on rotating several banners on campus to increase awareness other signs including aggies are healthy at any size and one glass of wine = 30 minutes of exercise will appear at various locations throughout the semester by discouraging people from feeling like they should attend the rec the group hopes this will prevent any future overcrowding is not wanting to spend two hours at the rec when i go for what should be a one hour workout too high of a demand telling other students that ‘running is bad for your knees is ultimately best for them said sophomore kinesiology major jack adams the regulars can actually use the rec and the people showing up to feel good about themselves can now feel justified in not showing up its not like they were burning any calories when they did come overall the group hopes that encouraging students not to spend time at the rec will serve as a best case scenario for both parties tamu alternative exercise hopes to release pr shirts with the most popular slogans sometime early next fall netflix and drill
evans library has long been a hub for research and studying on campus in 2014 chartwells opened a starbucks in evans library that immediately drew large crowds since this location accepts both the starbucks app and dining dollars as viable payment forms the evans starbucks outshines the barnes and noble coffee shop in the msc which claims to proudly serve starbucks™ but only accepts cash or credita serious hindrance to starbucks gold card members the newest starbucks on campus commonly referred to as quadbucks has gained immense popularity among both cadets and non-regs shedding light on just how many texas a&m students are willing to pay $5 for a cappuccino to foster the ever-growing love of mediocre coffee products evans will be undergoing renovations to become a six-story starbucksthe first of its kind the mugdown caught up with president young to discuss these new plans texas a&m has become a premiere research institution and we believe our starbucks locations should reflect that being fearless on every front begins with our beverage intake said young who also explained that the renovations will involve removing most of the books in evans library to make room for the anticipated lines and the shelves of starbucks christmas blend when asked about the removal of books the university responded by pointing out that texas a&m is becoming so digitized that books are essentially unnecessary most students look up sources online now we havent had a student check out a library book since november said patricia jamison head librarian whose years of experience sorting books will now be utilized to set up shelves of starbucks merchandise fortunately starbucks employees foresee shorter wait times as the new floors will each feature their own lines and cash registers attracting customers away from the overly crowded first floor students like sophomore jess plantaya seem to be on board with such developments im excited about all the new starbucks lines coming to evans because ive spent a lot of time waiting on the first floor over the past few years one day i waited for two hours just to get a tall java chip frappuccino and missed my finance exam said plantaya im a little annoyed about having to walk up the stairs now though you would think they could put in an escalator too it is still uncertain if the noise level rules will have to be adjusted on the upper floors but the university told the mugdown that they feel it is more important to supply students with caffeine than to provide a quiet place for study we believe this change will allow evans library to capitalize on profits the books are just wasting space and theyre free to check out so they end up costing us money a six-story starbucks will not only answer students needs but it will also increase funding for future plans said president young despite all the changes evans library will not undergo a name change for the sake of tradition renovations will begin this fall and texas a&m is hoping to see their collegiate rankings jump in response to the new amenities squatbucks
as cultural awareness increases across campus greek life has specifically been affected panhellenic president joella dambrosia comments on what the fraternal community is doing to increase diversity see we get a lot of crap as sorority women for ‘all looking the same and ‘being the same color so all the sororities came together and decided to be more color-inclusive! we are super excited to announce that every sorority is doubling the color selections on their spring pr shirts! before the new inclusivity initiative sororities typically offered shirts in coral seafoam navy and sometimes a shade of lavender now the girls have the option of dressing in all sorts of colors we take diversity very seriously here on sorority row as a matter of fact we have a blonde vs brunette ratio that has to be met if a chapter has too many of one hair color then we require girls to dye their hair to ensure equal representation dambrosia said clearly increasing the variety of shirt colors isnt our first proposal to diversify 5k for yell
every weekend the women of college station look forward to nights full of disrespect and undesired attention from inebriated male suitors they spend hours doing their hair putting on makeup and picking the perfect outfit to look just right for an uncomfortable encounter with a potential new man to block on facebook ciara kennedy and her friends spent four hours getting ready and taking instagram photos with giant 21 balloons their preparations may have taken several hours but they still included time to double check they had their pepper spray and a male friend on call in case they needed a fake boyfriend no birthday is complete without my girls a night we will not be able to remember and plenty of ass grabs from creepy dudes also wed like to thank our fake boyfriends for random guys who cannot accept ‘no there is nothing more respectable than a monogamous relationship said ciara in a toast before their night at northgate luckily it does not have to be your 21st birthday to be preyed upon a chill night at obannons offers just as much exposure to intrusive stares allie hawks describes her favorite experience from this weekend i just came here to sing some karaoke and be objectified by men im so embarrassed im only wearing a t-shirt and jeans but im glad guys find me attractive enough to catcall me anyway the best part is that girls do not even have to be in a crowded bar for an overly zealous male to invade her personal space even when walking down bottlecap alley or bar-hopping in the streets there are plenty of opportunities to be uncomfortably close to a northgate admirer if you are a woman who is worried about never finding your very own instance of incivility do not worry after all it does not matter how you look or what you wear – as long as you are a female you will be equally disrespected 5k for yell and come and bake it
on friday march 31st donald johnson and riley simmons ended their so-called friendship the two had known one another for a year previously but had recently taken their relationship to the next step: snapchat johnson a sophomore business major had been snapchatting simmons for a record 120 days when the streak ended tragically well it started off casual: ice cream or lecture hall snaps here and there then it became this unspoken pressure said simmons a sophomore kinesiology major id have to constantly show him what i was doing id wake up with a snapchat from donald then id have to respond or our streak would die along with our entire relationship i couldnt eat pizza without feeling like i needed to document it for him students can be found all over campus recklessly walking into bike lanes and roads attempting to maintain their duty to society by posting stories and letting their friends know exactly what they are doing every minute of the day johnson and simmons had not seen one another in person since november unfortunately for the streak on friday simmons lost her phone at chilifest without the communication the entirety of their friendship died johnson commented i thought we had something outside that likei dont knowan actual friendship but without snapping her for two days i realized i knew nothing substantial about her im kinda glad it happened though i ran out of things to say weeks ago but my roommate started responding for me metta world pizza
archaeologists working for cushing memorial library came across a fascinating discovery this week after their blocker excavation finally broke through the team led by dr ted goebel uncovered an entirely forgotten classroom hidden behind the layers of flyers on blockers interior south wall the excavation began in 2016 after the great sewage flood of october 10th old flyers were exposed in some places by the flood giving the archaeologists an opportunity to begin digging the expedition sought to resolve rumors of an ancient crypt hidden within blocker traditional aggie legend holds that blocker was assembled in 12 days by e king gill as a mausoleum to house the recently deceased old army the excavation was slow at first according to the dig site reports the top layer of flyers was difficult to breach at first we were literally just scratching the surface you might find rio frio fest posters from last spring break or a reed rowdies flyer from when we were good at basketball but nothing truly ancient that was pretty disheartening said goebel after months of careful surface work the expedition finally made real progress i just couldnt believe it i knew we were getting somewhere when we ran into all of these flyers from the 1980s said goebel they were really faded but our translators were able to decipher the text a few mentioned a ‘g rollielikely the name of a 20th century king after months of labor several budget cuts and three injuries the dig team discovered a dark and musty room experts claim that the room has been sealed for at least two thousand years it was a pretty gruesome sight said goebel the forgotten classroom was filled with a foot of standing water and had skeletons strewn about this is fascinating but not the fabled old army crypt we were looking for the adventure continues! the university has since started work to turn the lost room into a quiet study area bacon & ags
the corps of cadets is proud to announce that it will be holding its first annual boot chaser 5k this spring about the race: since 1964 when the first females were admitted into texas a&m university catching the eye of a man in boots has been the deepest desire and main aspiration for any proper aggie woman in recent years however the true art of boot chasing has become a rarity to combat this growing deficit the corps of cadets is starting a new tradition: the boot chaser 5k the course: the race course is simple but effective it consists of multiple laps around the quad allowing the participants to have maximum exposure and visibility the race will commence with a fire of the canon and a fighting texas aggie yell practice (the yell leaders upon completion of their final yell will swiftly flee the area to ensure safety from aggressive fangirling) the course will include water stations every half mile staffed by extra motivating cadets to provide inspiration for the particularly thirsty female and male racers the revival of bootchasing was originally intended for women but in an effort to promote gender equality the corps has determined that anyone can qualify as a bootchaser for the event the finish line: to provide participants with the best and most iconic finish line experience they will complete the race through the quads front arches as racers approach the finish line they will run through a saber arch configured by boot-wearing senior cadets all finishers will be encouraged to tap the return with honor pillar as they complete the course this symbolizes the necessity for each woman to keep her virtue and honor perfectly preserved for her future strapping all-american cadet finishers village: once complete each finisher will be handed a maroon carnation as well as a pass to enter the quad during non-visiting hours the post-race reception will be held in duncan dining hall with an assortment of beige food that vaguely resembles subpar microwavable meals medalist: the lucky women who have proven themselves in the art of bootchasing will not go home empty handed first place – guaranteed dates to all midnight yells (one including a yell leader as an escort) second place – complimentary duncan meal swipes for the remainder of the year third place – a posed picture with a yell leader that gives the impression of a steady relationship (possessive hands encouraged) the first place finisher in the mens division will win an unrestricted weekend with the wag of his choice thanks gigem and happy boot-chasing! 5k for yell
robert browning who only minutes ago had been aggressively scrubbing at a stain in the carpet apologized to his friends for his train wreck of a living room as he welcomed his guests into his home he stood with his hands on his hips and shook his head in shame i am embarrassed that i didnt get a chance to clean things up before you all arrived i promise its usually much tidier than this said browning lamenting that the current state of his living room was not up to his standards as his friends took a seat on the couch he discreetly pushed his vacuum back into the closet where it would remain until hours before the next time guests arrive months in the future upon hearing that his residence would be the meeting location for several of his friends this evening browning cleared his schedule for the day and set out to do emergency cleaning addressing the months old pile of dirty dishes on the coffee table collection of fast food cups on the end table and trash covering the floor robert did what he could to make it appear that human beings lived in the house man i am so sorry for how dirty it is right now said browning repeatedly throughout the night regarding his surprisingly clean kitchen area its usually so much cleaner in here ive had such a hectic week so if you would have come any other time my house would have been in much better shape brownings counters had never been and likely never will be so clean in his entire time living at the house interyellar
vandalism of the aggie ring plaza was discovered earlier this week bringing to light vulgar comments that the association building namesake clayton williams jr made about rape in 1990 eager for comment on the situation the mugdown visited the offices of university president michael young only to discover that everyone was out and would be back in 15 minutes we have been waiting for the staffs return for about 45 minutes the only signs of life so far have been what appears to be a secretary peeking out from behind the front desk periodically and a shushing sound emanating from a nearby conference room we will update this story as we gather more information on the situation wrecking crew reba
every few weeks in the news cycle a sensitive difficult topic arises about texas a&m university due to this topics nature many students shy away from discussing it creating a taboo around the subject and avoiding it in conversation this hard-hitting issue lies under the surface but dominates social media when it flares up sometimes even leading to protests thankfully aggies across campus can rely on administrative officials to quickly and effectively deal with the issue when it is thrown once more into social media discourse lab dogs at texas a&m university are a difficult issue to come to terms with golden retrievers suffering from muscular dystrophy are kept for research and experiments to help texas a&m find a cure for the genetic disorder every few weeks university administrators are tasked with handling the press coverage or social media outcry from petas initial claims peta is responsible for the negative press we have to deal with in regards to our lab dogs said emmanuel summa a university spokesman familiar with the issue when sensitive and taboo topics like this arise the university prefers to handle them with speed and transparency issues that make our students feel uncomfortable at their own school must be dealt with by decisive action not by creating commissions or sending out emails to the student body it all began when moderators for the texas a&m university facebook and twitter accounts noticed an influx in the amount of negative traffic on their pages usually with an incident of racism or sexism we see a quick flash of outrage before users move onto another issue by the next day said rob hughes a student worker in the texas a&m marketing department with this though it reanimates every few weeks after the peta video picks up again and a new wave of commenters storm our social media pages thankfully each time such an egregious incident has occured university officials have been more than willing to get in front of it lately the university has been able to respond with less vitriol since students have shown themselves increasingly willing to fight on behalf of the university since petas action resulted in a protest that interrupted texas a&ms sxsw snapchat story the universitys decision to provide an immediate and direct response to an incident has empowered students to openly discuss the topic regardless the university maintains that lesser issues should follow the current policy of slow and well managed inaction netflix and drill
following reports of erratic behavior and unprovoked aggression among texags users brazos county health officials have identified the cause officials have asked residents to avoid contact with users of the popular forum site in order to contain the spread of rabies we have been getting reports of rabid behavior on texags for years emergency coordinator rudy tylek said but we have never seen it spread this quickly or on this scale officials believe that the outbreak began last september on a thread about people removing their shoes in movie theaters the disease was then spread quickly among users thanks in part to the current political climate the rabies remained largely unnoticed until the most recent student government controversy caused a spike in infections the disease silently spread at an alarming rate as the recent controversy with corps policy changes were revealed in the military section of the forum a large number of rookies were exposed to the disease when older posters reached the board when asked to comment on the outbreak a texas a&m spokesperson said that the university is happy to see that a cause has been identified we were beginning to worry that former students had abandoned the core values of loyalty and respect that we worked so hard to instill in them said the university spokesperson we knew deep down that fellow aggies would never have acted like this the health department has placed texags and its users under voluntary quarantine if someone you know begins to act irrationally angry and disoriented please isolate them and call authorities immediately officials did not comment on if they believe secretary rick perry was exposed wrecking crew reba
chilifest – every aggies favorite holiday a weekend full of beer showers music playing so loud itll make your ears bleed and chili…lots and lots of chili students uber miles and miles down fm 60 just to get a taste of all that sweet chili in the heart of snook tx but with so much chili its easy to get confused thankfully the mugdown is here to break down the different types of chili served at various fraternity and mens org builds bone apple tea! heat index describes the hotness required to enter the build and eat the chili for example if you are a you wont be allowed to enter a build one army chili name: beerwatch heat index: description: one army presents a milder chili where they went for points on looks and presentation when eating this chili you will find tiny bits of ground one army hat throughout the bowl in addition the chefs went for a heavy tomato base to achieve a red color that resembles the swimsuits of their baywatch theme look out for the oa lifeguards as they wont let you leave until you go on their slip ‘n slide against your freewill many on facebook will say they are ‘going to eat this chili but end up eating a cheaper frats chili instead ol ags chili name: mardi donks heat index: description: ever tried eating chili through a straw from a fish bowl hanging from your neck well thats exactly what ol ags will be doing this year with their bourbon st inspired culinary creation this chili tastes a lot like the one army chili but has way more kick and it smells like it hasnt showered in three days included in your chili purchase is a free ride on her majesty ol ags famous donkey idol – think of reveille but for sweaty drunk college guys and in case youre not uncomfortable enough anticipate the ol ags guys to ask you to earn it before throwing beads at you geaux chilifest! phi delta theta chili name: miami vice heat index: description: chef gc is very proud of his miami vice branded chili the delts are so sure youll enjoy their chili they will bus you over from college station on friday then lay out a few flattened keystone boxes for you to sleep on overnight this chili is almost entirely made out of jalapeños and beans so beware of eating too much or risk missing all of your monday classes ace chili name: harlem drunktrotters heat index: description: nothing screams basketball and harlem new york like the aggie club of engineers this year the ace boys will try to match their drinking consumption with chili consumption expect the chili recipe to feature chunks of half-frozen corn dogs and drunk dudes pulling your arm to dance with them on the poles lastly look out for the basketball hoops over the trash bins so that you can dunk your barely eaten chili into an overflowing pile of beer cans sigma alpha epsilon chili name: sons of liberty heat index: description: sae will frequently remind you who the original chefs of chilifest are and their founding fathers theme contributes to their modesty inside this chili youll find the spiciest of peppers that only the hottest of patrons can handle many will try to get in but will quickly be pointed to the direction of the mens org chilis century mens society chili name: party like theres no to-maya!!!! heat index: description: the centuries boys traveled south of the border to incorporate a variety of hot peppers into their recipe (sorry no peruvian puff peppers) although centuries is still new to this festival their chili tastes like many of the other chilis at chilifest but they claim its completely different when asking a centuries member what the secret ingredients are they wont hesitate to respond character leadership and integrity expect their chili to be served in the same black trash bags they use to fence around their build pi kappa alpha chili name: pike pardi gras heat index: description: see ol ags (minus the donkey) 2014 grad who still thinks hes a senior chili name: remember the johnny days heat index: description: ever wondered what the big 12 tastes like try this chili you are guaranteed to be served by a bearded man in cargos and crocs remnants of the ol army sbisa cookie can be found throughout the base of this chili and each serving comes with a free story on what life was like before panda was at the msc and for some reason the attendees of this build will actually attend the chilifest concerts
the quad is in a state of alarm in response to the commandants secret police tightening control on the corps of cadets on tuesday evening all points of entry to the quad have been sealed leaving one remaining entrycomplete with a checkpointat the arches for those trying to enter reveille is being used to sniff out the trails of those running the blockade late yesterday afternoon a scandal broke when an email was sent to all cadets within the corps the email contained links to a website and facebook page hoping to organize a resistance movement against the commandants iron-fisted regime the movement called for cadets to rise up in glorious revolutions and shrug off the khaki shackles of their commissars the email also leaked the official copy of the commandants plan to consolidate the power of the corps of cadets from the forty-six outfit commanders into the hands of his ten major unit commissars the news rapidly spread through texags and social media with the resistance providing past and present cadets the first real opportunity to speak out about the commandants purges of the corps and its traditions the commandant was outspoken in the matter after resistance leaders deployed assets to freeze the commandants bank account we will find and swiftly place any supporters of the resistance into the dorm 2 detachment as needed said general ramirez those who think cadets should run the corps believe in a system that is slow broken and sentimental they fail to understand the vision we are working towardsa glorious army 3 000 strong! cadets found engaging in suspicious activity on social media have historically been reminded to step in line by high-ranking officials in the commandants regime or are reported to the commandants performance review board (cprb) the panel of loyalist cadets tasked with extinguishing resistance the commandants secret police are searching dorm rooms across the quad trying to capture members of the resistance and any other dissidents willing to support their views most cases end with the capture of the brave fighters before being brought to guard room to face execution one unsuccessful chase ended when an agent of the resistance accused several cprb operatives of hazing forcing them to self report and face dishonorable discharge the leak of information and mass email have provided a glimpse of light into the reign of terror the resistance has inspired many cadets to break the conditioning and voice their opinion honestly i hope they get away with it said junior chemistry major jake andersen if the commandant makes his big announcements from facebook i dont see why cadets shouldnt someone finally found out how to take a stand without being crushed by cprb said sophomore biology major roger thomason the board can only send the secret police after the founders of the movement rather than an average cadet it has gotten too large other students are relying on the massive crowd of support being voiced online to protect them from repercussion they cant kick us all out right i mean… not if he actually wants to reach 3 000 cadets said a junior cadet who wished to remain anonymous godspeed to the resistance and their battle with the commandant maybe the battalion will pick this story up and make it go national can someone get rick perry on the record at press time at least one member of the resistance had been captured the mugdown remembers cadet nathan hale who was executed inside of ash ii llc after being pursued by members of the secret police his last words were my only regret is that i have but one life to give my corps netflix & drill and north by northgate
a recent announcement that the university was closing the loophole which allowed white supremacist richard spencer to speak inside the msc left many students relieved despite the tightening of the rules regarding speakers at a&m not all famous figures for hate speech will be affected by the changes most notably the specifics of the rule will not bar brother jed from conducting jedfest since his iconic performance occurs outdoors despite his inflammatory speeches each year students await brother jeds stop at texas a&m on his national tour as his ability to make students laugh and accept sexist remarks have led to the annually anticipated establishment of jedfest unfortunately under the new rule speakers like mr spencer who lack the communitys acceptance of hateful rhetoric resort to hosting their events within university facilities these speakers are prevented from doing so unless they are invited by a legitimate student organization academic unit or member of the university system that must obtain university approval for the event students find that condemning people to hell for their beliefs are often most enjoyable in the large crowds of jedfest i am absolutely in love with the forward thinking displayed by the university said marco shapiro a junior economics major the rule prevents people who lack the comedic genius and cult following of brother jed from coming its just not okay when other speakers come and broadcast hateful rhetoric the university broadcasted the policy update through local media outlets when richard spencer visited campus we actually saw students having difficult conversations about freedom of speech and racism said amy smith university spokeswoman these conversations are not something we want people to associate with texas a&m university students old enough to vote and serve in the military should be provided a safe space from hurtful words and difficult conversations many aggies felt the university kept their best interest in mind when updating the policy i for one support the rule; we can all come together and laugh at brother jed jedfest is one of those small parts of aggieland tradition you can look forward to every year said junior nuclear engineering major james belladonte richard spencer and potential future speakers who say such bigoted and hateful things arent welcome on our campus nobody is going to tolerate that language herehate isnt an aggie value other students are not so comfortable with the change in policy when it comes to hate speech either none of its okay or all of its okay said joji miller so congrats on restricting free speech! i guess its funny when brother jed comes but when another guy shows up and says the same thing its the end of the world at the time of publication support for the rule change signaled that students were more comfortable watching the lgbtq community being publicly berated than being challenged on the topic of racism or the complexities of hate speech netflix and drill
last night several thousand aggies gathered at simpson drill field neon glowsticks held aloft to support robert mcintoshs impending litigation and to raise awareness for what has begun to be seen as the systematic oppression of the wealthy and influential at texas a&m the gathering was hastily organized after news broke of mcintoshs escalation from a pretend court to a real court and word spread quickly through the aggie community the protesters trickled in formed an amorphous circle and held their glowsticks high while chanting and singing for several hours robert mcintosh is only the beginning said zane adams a sophomore finance major from southlake this election set a very dangerous and disturbing precedent of holding everyone even the rich and well-connectedaccountablethis is an attack on the freedoms that the wealthy have enjoyed for generations make no mistake the fate of western civilization hangs in the balance of this meaningless collegiate election to others at the vigil mcintoshs disqualification was an opportunity if were gonna be honest here i dont really care about any of this at all said freshman english major sarah mccole however one of the first things i learned at a&m is that you need to be in a perpetual state of outrage or else youll lose the moral high ground now that this is national news siding with robert will be able to feed my ever-growing persecution complex for months to come! after some time mugdown reporters on the scene noticed that a large group on the periphery of the gathering didnt seem to be affiliated with a&m at all my friends and i are just here because this is the closest thing to a rave college station is ever gonna get said local high school student daniel wu i cant say im a huge fan of the setlist though they keep playing some song called ‘we shall overcome and the bass didnt even drop once big brother jed
after much deliberation between president young and the board of regents texas a&m has issued its resolution to the highly contested student body president election between robert mcintosh and bobby brooks entitled resolution 1815 the solution will evenly split the campus between the two administrations dividing it based on who the constituents in each zone of campus support mcintosh will take over policy administration on the west campus while brooks will control the more liberal sections of south and east campus the msc and kyle field will be a neutral zone controlled by an official who will be appointed by former texas a&m student body president rick perry governor perry assured the mugdown that the entire labor force of the department of energy will be working around the clock until the perfect individual is vetted and selected we believe that this is the best solution to appease both sides said president young at a press conference on saturday it caters to each candidates voter base and helps us avoid conflict between people with different opinions the old fashioned way: by drawing a border between them the university has announced plans to construct the aggieland west campus barrier between the two campuses mcintosh has also hired a lawyer to negotiate the demolition of the new student recreational center so that he can build a statue commemorating the underdog victory of the heterosexual white male in an increasingly minority-driven society students will still be able to cross between the zones via the wellborne tunnel provided they meet the visa requirements established by each president for mcintoshs west campus students must provide a receipt detailing the amount of their monthly monetary donation to the gop and for brooks sector students must provide three references from a minority student to prove they are not bigoted president-elect bobby brooks while complying with president youngs resolution vowed to continue the fight to unite campus in a fiery speech friday afternoon i ran a campaign promising to spread diversity throughout this campus; we will not stop the fight to assure that everyone is represented throughout the community ich bin ein bryaner! thus far the resolution has caused a sharp rise in tensions the land that holds sacred sites such as kyle field are disputed territory and recent reports show that mcintosh has already made land grabs into academic plaza sending multiple slackliners and bible study groups into the area to establish settlements on the occupied land other sources have indicated that brooks and president young may be collaborating with the battalion to airdrop leftist propaganda over the wall into west campus students and alumni anxiously await rick perrys announcement of his neutral official hoping that the appointee might be able to ease the tensions threatening a&ms student body foreign enrage student
rick perry head yell leader 72 and 11th runner-up in season 23 of dancing with the stars recently implied that texas a&m student body elections may have been part of a larger russian tampering conspiracy for weeks the public anxiously awaited as rick perry stayed silent on the student elections despite this clearly being a part of his duties as head of the department of energy democrats have been going on and on about election conspiracies with russia said perry in off the cuff remarks as aides anxiously tried to shove nuclear infrastructure documents in front of him while it is absolutely not true regarding russian involvement at the federal level there are no limits to how far down the ballot ‘the powers that be will go to manipulate public opinion even if that public opinion is only 20% of texas a&ms student body for 2 weeks out of each year said the former meat and animal sciences major alarming evidence shared with the mugdown from perrys office reveals that mcintosh would have been successful in his reach for the presidency if not for the machinations of the russian autocrat vladimir putin perrys statement claims that the connection is not entirely clear but that the corruption of the case is extremely apparent first evidence has come out that the student-appointed election commission ignored some of their own rules luckily i was able to spot these from a very unbiased perspective as i have no business in this election whatsoever second the more time i spend investigating this case the more i find undeniable ties to russia i intend to use all of my time and resources to ensure i uncover the exact ties to the putin administration i can see no better use of my national platform than to get involved in this process and third sorry i cannot remember the third thing said perry between lights flickering in perrys office of the 279 billion dollar federal agency perry expressed eagerness to further investigate these election conspiracies and looks forward to the supportive and unified reaction he will receive from his loyal aggie supporters 5k for yell
after recognizing its ability to capture attention from media giants such as the texas tribune cnn and the houston chronicle the battalion realized that it must follow the examples of those outlets to become their contemporary articles must be published that harness opinion as fact and convince the reader there exists only one interpretation of an event this push began when coverage of unethical investments in the permanent university fund by the battalion made national headlines as the attention the battalion received waned reporters were left scrambling to get the freshest story charlie mabury batt reporter and junior communications major said we could only milk the sudan story for so long; i mean i never got tired of reporting on our journalism award but what can you do in the past few months everyone started to show signs of what we call ‘the hunger it has been such a rush moving beyond the latest football game or philanthropy event conveniently in late november the battalion learned of white nationalist richard spencers event on campus seizing the moment the battalion released an article about the visit which was picked up by state news outlets before being relayed nationally as the attention the battalion received waned reporters were left scrambling to get the freshest story student wade peck a senior visualization major believes it was about controlling the narrative the incident would have gone unnoticed as it was organized without the knowledge of any students i didnt even know who richard spencer was until they published that article students could have been banner-holding for his event and i would have never even realized what was going on once hitting the national spotlight the battalion was able to control public opinion about the incident by printing a series of op-eds about the controversy they created in the wake of such monumental coverage since last december many wonder what will happen if another controversy does not arise soon mabury highlighted how desperate the reporters have been getting if something big doesnt stir up soon theyll put me back on movie reviews i cant go back to movie reviews students across campus have a growing concern that the desire for national attention within the battalion has consumed it and that lacking controversy the paper is willing to create it on their own when the battalion creates a controversy they are the only ones with the story said ben mcinnes a junior astrology major dont you see that it was a reporter from the battalion who placed the glow sticks in the video look at the swath of data they had to push the voter intimidation narrative they threw the election to have controversyand clicksthrough all of march other students believe the battalions willingness to break the most exciting story goes even deeper than the recent sbp elections cant you see they invited richard spencer to campus i mean how on earth could they have known he was coming if it was a former student in russia said frank madison a sophomore aled major i bet it was the battalion who passed the article to rick perry knowing his remarks would increase the magnitude of it all they threw the election to have controversyand clicksthrough all of march many students fear that the battalion having learned how to control the narrative and spin events to match their view is now behind the hard-hitting stories people say they should be reporting on gingerbredass & netflix and drill
the comments section of the battalion came alive after students began sharing the leading article in the student newspaper the article in question first openly female student in the corps garnered much debate among students online where the article was shared some students recognized this landmark achievement for what it is while other students protested the rhetoric in the article while women have been allowed membership in the corps of cadets since 1974 kimberly washington is the first openly female cadet in the corps historically women have had to act like men to keep the possibility of a leadership role open for their junior and senior years others decision on behalf of washington highlights a shift in the culture of the corps of cadets and the university as a whole the reporters decision to highlight washington by an unchangeable part of who she is allows others to decide her merit without looking at any indicators of her behavior or performance ever since people decided to focus on my identity they havent gotten to know me for who i am said washington with everyones opinion of me being based off my gender its almost as if i could just put a link to the article on my resume instead of my numerous qualifications across the quad cadets were outspoken about their own personal opinions on the matter and felt entitled to share their take on the issue we could have judged her qualifications and her character to determine what kind of cadet she is said jimmy young a junior mechanical engineering major that just wouldnt have the same effect as judging her from the assumptions i hold based off of her gender identity why would you talk about who someone is when it is much easier to portray them as whatever protected classes they fall under rather than being awestruck about the matter other students were confused about the ordeal i know kimberly and she is a wonderful person; she is so passionate about service and spends her time volunteering at the boys and girls club in bryan said jessica french a classmate of washingtons why isnt the headline ‘normal cadet does something abnormal with her spare time i am positive that kimberly would rather have people know her for the actions that define who she is the battalion saw a massive increase in clicks on their facebook page due to the headline and students enjoyed being allowed the convenience to determine the qualifications of a person based on an unchangeable part of them rather than on the quality of their character in the end some students argued that without focusing on her identity an important achievement in our schools history would have gone unnoticed others feel that her achievements would have been loud enough on their own netflix and drill
texas a&m sophomore jared realto has gone nearly a year and a half without achieving completion the long-suffering sophomore said every time he starts a personal session he is invariably interrupted by a phone call from home its like shes watching me said realto i swear without fail the second i start to get my motor cranked up the screen on my phone swaps over to ‘incoming call from mom realto reports that his mother mainly just wants to talk about stuff and that a normal call will last upwards of 40 minutes with jared realtos total contribution to the conversation being approximately four shame-filled out-of-breath okays its been like this for three semesters now said realto cant she move on doesnt she have other friends i thought i left this problem behind in high school! at press time realto was planning to go out and buy an actual physical playboy magazine like some kind of caveman chophouse sweater burger
college station onlookers were disappointed when they realized jim templeton a sophomore general studies major with an abnormally full beard was completely normal he isnt a rock climber he isnt uniquely quirky he doesnt drive a moped he doesnt play harmonica or some other interesting instrument he doesnt wear eccentric thrift shop clothes he doesnt even own chacos weve literally exhausted all of our options said harrison kim a local authority on facial hair and owner of a well-groomed handlebar moustache jims normalcy was first discovered when he admitted that he did not actually know that super sick under the radar band everyone else was talking about upon further investigation bystanders determined jim was extraordinarily average despite everyones disappointment jims beard has remained intact he has sworn to better hide his mediocracy from now on 5k for yell
communications major and major loser justin sedgewit sunk to new depths of self-depravity last week when he spent too long browsing netflix and had to make a second walk of shame to the microwave i dont know what to say said sedgewit so he didnt sedgewits roommate brian classeris was doing homework nearby and filled in the narrative gaps he had microwaved a few pieces of week-old gumbys pizza said classeris which already had me pretty worried gumbys has a half life of about 33 minutesafter that it solidifies from delicious pizza-lava into crusty igneous rock so justin wasnt off to a great start then he sat down on the couch and started netflix he browsed the netflix catalogue for so long that i was almost able to come up with a clever metaphor to describe it classeris said sedgewit reportedly flipped through his entire personal queue more than five times he even started ‘stranger things twice but shut it off during the opening sequence said classeris ‘stranger things! how can you turn off ‘stranger things… twice! its like the most engrossing show there is! he didnt even make it to the title sequence which is the best part! im pretty sure the first time i heard that synth music my virginity miraculously grew back and i immediately lost it again by making sweet love to the tv after finally deciding to rewatch the third season of archer for the 13th time sedgewit went to take a bite of his pizza and realized it had gone cold again ive never been so saddened by anything in my life was the only comment classeris had to offer watching justin shuffle back to the microwave for the second time was like seeing a puppy with cancer find out his puppy girlfriend had been cheating on him with his abusive father classeris said seeing his roommate sink that low made him rethink his life he has started going to class more reconnected with his estranged sister and almost went for a run meanwhile sedgewit is reportedly still afraid to try new things and is nearing the end of the archer vice season chophouse sweater burger
tragedy struck a texas a&m classroom yesterday afternoon when ecen 214 professor dr samuel miller accidentally wrote 12 a instead of -12 a while solving a problem in his lecture there was a huge uproar said sophomore electrical engineering student leola jackson i thought there was going to be a riot multiple witnesses reported hearing loud shouts from behind classroom walls while in the hallways of the emerging technologies building sources from within the classroom report that the escalating unrest was partially quelled when a student davis watershed corrected miller uh shouldnt that current be negative watershed reportedly said unknowingly preventing a violent outbreak the mugdown reached out to miller for comment but found him in shambles behind his desk rocking back and forth beneath a dimmed and flickering lamp the negative sam…the damn negative said miller university spokesperson marvin lundquist gave a press conference on the matter how anyone could be so stupid as to make a mistake in lecture is beyond me i am appalled to think that we even hired such a moron said lundquist at this institution we pride ourselves on an utterly flawless faculty; students had every right to be incensed at such an asinine goof-up miller has since had his credentials revoked and has been placed on administrative leave until the investigation can be concluded if found guilty miller could be facing exile from the academic community according to the traditional texas a&m punishment forcing him to begin a new career at blinn bacon & ags
the roommate an odd inert creature who passive-aggressively shares living quarters with you this interesting specimen of the human race is known to have several different forms each as baffling as the next for a majority of her time the roommate can be found prone on the couch in your living room watching a third re-run of greys anatomy occasionally the roommate may even be seen mobile leaving helpful post-it notes or only going to class when the whim strikes for most of her life cycle the roommate appears lackadaisical but a strange phenomenon occurs when you first bring home a mate: she suddenly finds a purpose something awakens inside her: hatred before the roommate was unobservant and obtuse now instead of examining her own flaws and shortcomings she expends her waking energy projecting her problems onto your mate if your mate leaves his shoes in the living room next to the six pairs of her own shoes be sure to expect a strongly worded text if he dares to place a glass in the sink among her unwashed dishes it is only natural and justified for her to vacuum at 1:30 am on weekdays should your boyfriend commit the ultimate sin of sitting on her couch the roommates fighting instincts will kick into action what typically follows is a week-long build up of tension ending in an explosive tear-filled fight fueled by her irrational claims over time the roommates aggression will continue to build until finally she ceases to be your roommate as you move out taking your missing clothes from her closet her hatred and purpose fizzles out until she returns to her original state then the cycle begins again with a different unfortunate girl roommates – what fickle creatures they be come and bake it
across campus students have reached the point where they have settled into their unassigned assigned seats for the semester these students who take comfort in the familiarity of their routine seats have come under attack by nomadic students who only come to class on test day and by professors who refuse to defend their claims to those seats the migratory patterns of test day students displace one student from his/her seat and create a chain reaction where students throughout the room are forcefully removed from their usual spots give me my unassigned seat or give me death said construction science major brady albers after being denied aid by his pols 206 professor albers then took the chair out from under the nomadic student and smashed it against the wall other students who have been displaced by the resettlement of students across the room were encouraged by the actions of albers and began to attack those who were in their unassigned seats as well a full-fledged riot began as the students suffering from the displacement drove the nomadic students from the room the clash spread throughout the building and resulted in the arrival of upd to try and contain the rioters within blocker dont tread on my unassigned seat said charlie day a sophomore mathematics major as he directed the students efforts to remove the nomadic test day students from blocker if the administration and teachers meant to help us refuse to do so then we will take matters into our own hands! tweets from the upd indicate that the situation escalated further as the rioters moved from the blocker building southward where the mob was joined by students coming out of every building between blocker and evans library a mix of cheers arose from the mob as it was composed of students who suffered the same abuse albers had endured if our professors and administrators are going to govern and refuse to give us representation then this is our only option we must protect our inalienable right to an unassigned assigned seat said thomas payne a junior history major i have had enough and so have all the others who have endured the same transgressions university officials were able to get a hold on the situation after parsons mounted cavalry rode into the mob of students and dispersed the revolutionary crowd currently the university is still working with upd to dislodge the rebels from inside blocker lil event
a well-run election conducted with integrity and class is a hard thing to come by at texas a&m last week election commissioner rachel keathley ran such an election (with the exception of the disqualification of the mugdownsad) in the wake of such a fair election the student body has understandably lashed out at rachel for having the gall to perform her job as instructed to do upset that an election commissioner would perform her job with some personal integrity members of various campaigns have come to see keathley not as a person but as a punching bag to vent their frustrations through the mugdown recently spotted keathley bobbing and weaving through a crowd adorned with campaign shirts who were throwing out more than just punches you think you know what intimidation looks like said one protester ill show you intimidation! keathley aware of the perils involved in defying the machine as election commissioner has been unfazed by the punches as she had been preparing for the backlash election commissioner is pretty much the only job that you can do perfectly and with a lot of integrity and still have everyone hate you in the end said keathley its literally on the application i have known that something like this was going to happen so i hired someone to punch me in the face every single morning ive built up a pretty good tolerance to pain by this point the mobs of angry protestors however have been undeterred by keathleys lack of response to being senselessly punched in the face who does she think she is said an anonymous member of chi-o when asked about the election results where did all this new army ‘doing your job well and ‘having integrity crap come from everyone knows that the machine is supposed to win we have god on our side and the election commissioner should know that its her job to fudge the facts so that gods will can be done keathley expects things to get worse over the next week regardless of whether or not robert wins or loses his judicial court appeal mugdown staff
it was a typical election night in aggieland until we saw the alert that robert mcintosh had been disqualified from the student body president race for multiple counts of voter intimidation at the mugdown where truth is of little value we saw that robert had been compromised by unsavory videos of roberts campaign allegedly engaging in voter intimidation previously we had not endorsed any of the candidates but faced with this injustice our staff has decided to send robert help in any way we can we think that the alleged violations are egregious and likely fabricated to disparage roberts good name by supporters of known rapscallion bobby brooks despite our previous rhetoric the mugdown cares deeply about fair play much like our unforgettable president earl rudder that is why we must vigorously protest these 205 allegations immediately robert is an extremely qualified attractive and intelligent candidate who knows an enormous amount of people and is very familiar with all of the election bylaws do you really think such an adept individual would commit such blatant campaign violations in full view of bobby brooks see the message that is right before your eyes bobby thinks that we are all stupid he wants us to think that everything is okay robert mcintosh would never resort to intimidation of voters or of say a satirical newspaper he would never try to demand votes or hold the writers of a satirical newspaper hostage until they say nice things about him the claims submitted to the election council are trivial at best as for the video evidence one can easily see that those were silent videos of students talking to each other which can easily be manipulated lets stop beating around the bush bobby brooks stole this election and he wont stop at the presidency if democracy at a&m is to survive we must resist this encroachment of our freedom please help he has our families big brother jed
after months of being reminded of their oppression aggie men have decided to do something this campaign season while the top student leaders are selected over the course of the semester 2017-2018 student body president senior class president and corps commander have now all been selected likewise the yell leader positions have remained a stronghold for male student representation through another successful campaign season we are seeing a strong showing within our top student leadership positions but its good to see that men are still performing strongly in other roles on campus said richard hoffman director of elect him an organization that encourages men to use their so-called privilege to run for positions of authority as these top student leaders move forward in selecting their teams we are excited to see many of our future candidates start to be selected when asked about the role that gender plays in a persons qualifications to run for elected positions hoffman clarified that some roles were just made for men while we were all created equal we were made for different purposes i would never expect a woman to do my job but i think they offer some incredible skills that we can definitely use as part of our team the website for elect him justifies their success in electing male student leaders by citing that men make up a majority of campus51% exactlyand should have more say in who represents their interests sophomore university studies major lance jones confirmed that he does not vote based on gender to me it doesnt matter whether youre a man or womani just want student leaders to be relatable i see a bit of myself in the candidates this year; none of them seem to be bossy or pretentious later in the interview lance indicated that he feels that student leaders should be confident and determined erring away from candidates who may be seen as too caring or soft when asked for a comment on the election results texas a&m marketing reported that they are disappointed and described the result as a missed pr opportunity for international womens day coming up on march 8th
on wednesday february 15th senior anthropology major justin creed decided to take a bold stand regarding his future creed purposefully strutted across the seal in koldus with all the zeal of a tourist group around prime traffic time he then took the display of brazen disregard for his graduation one step further and decided to moonwalk back across for good measure students silently looked on horrified sga held a moment of silence for the event at 7:17 if you ask me it was appalling said junior political science major henry samuelson although no one asked him if he was that nervous about the future he should have gotten a useful degree like the rest of us according to legend if a student walks across any school seal on tamus campus he or she will never graduate some argue that this curse only applies to the seal in the academic building; most are unwilling to risk it sources closest to creed have made the case that it was his only option creed like most graduating seniors had come to the difficult realization that the world is a cold cruel place outside of college stations warm aggie family the career fair had only produced six dead-end interviews for creed he had no clue an internship was necessary at some point in his college career and arriving at the second semester of his senior year he realized he had no hope of surviving in the real world i have a meal plan housing and a full ride i would be a fool to actually graduate that is why i handled the situation with great maturity what is waiting for me out there a job yeah right ive really only ever wanted to scuba anyway said creed creed is now working on a new set of goals for his future including taking all of the kine 199 classes a&m has to offer memorizing all of the bus time tables and making an a in a class metta world pizza
it is mid-afternoon in the wildlands of northside campus (colloquially known as the engineering corner): it is chilly out yet still…this curious creature has insisted on short sleeves and cargo shorts for the day at least his feet are warm with those thick white ankle socks stuffed into black reeboks but above all else one distinct feature of the creatures plumage is most striking; no not the facial hair hiking south on the neck like a brave pioneer but rather the tee shirt itself for on it lies a sage quip: dont talk to me before my coffee clothing is a great way to express yourself a colorful fitbit shows that you are sporty yet laid back a shirt that reads free sarcastic comments! shows that you have a charitable heart and love to bring a smile to others faces out of all the students pressed for comment only one possessed the social aptitude to respond sarcasm is my love language but dont talk to me before my coffee said brad benton a senior mechanical engineering major silence is golden but duct tape is silver graphic tees have won almost universal acclaim from both those who wear them and those who refuse to stoop so low wearing graphic tees has actually been proven to slow social interaction to nearly zero said dr tom green an anthropology professor at texas a&m this is either because they literally say ‘dont talk to me or because the people who wear them usually just suck anyway though graphic tees have seen a seemingly unopposed rise to high fashion there are still some who seek the ruin of such beautiful artistic expression there is no better way to establish yourself as an unreliable narrator than by wearing a shirt that literally claims nothing you say is serious said nancy tran a sophomore nutrition major you are what you wear and when what you wear tells me you like coffee one day but sleep the other what am i supposed to believe bacon & ags
it is time to sign up for the big event and many students are finding themselves in a stressful situation while those who are heavily involved have abundant choices of groups to sign up with other aggies struggle the big event allows for students to do community service alongside their fellow organization members roommates friends distant acquaintances and that guy you met that one time while many students garner multiple big event invites proudly gleaming their over-involvement through the costly dilemma of who to sign-up with there is a marginalized group of students who struggle with the obligation honor of serving at big event contrasted with their lack of social life and uninvolvement lin manchester an amateur netflix critic who is apparently involved in nothing comments on the stigma around the big event every year there is so much pressure to find a group its even harder than finding friends to pull football tickets with said manchester the big event saw the growing trend and decided to put together a singles group for the students who are uninvolved and/or unconnected big event director dalton harris commented on the innovative idea i think weve really hit something here uninvolved aggies no longer have the pressure of producing groups they can now congregate together in a safe space with minimal name dropping said harris who knows maybe theyll even start their own organization! sign-ups for this group fittingly opened on february 14th and will continue until friday when all big event sign-ups close 5k for yell
referring to him as a musical genius and a modern-day mozart friends of junior environmental studies major dillon cantlon are praising his musical gift of crafting the perfect playlist for any occasion cantlons roommate joseph lopez recalls a party that was totally lit thanks to cantlons savant-like understanding of the intricacies of music imagine this: ‘pursuit of happiness comes on were all singing along all of a sudden plot twistits the steve aoki remix said lopez it was poppin man then suddenly it ripped into gas pedal and all the chicks were on the walls lopez became way too smashed to remember the rest of the nights soundtrack but is pretty sure he heard forgot about dre at some point cantlons parents recognized his talent early in his childhood and encouraged him to pursue his passion for curating music we always knew he was interested in music but when he burned a cd for our family road trip when he was 11 we realized that he was on another level said diane cantlon the playlist was upbeat and excited at first then trailed off into some relaxing driving songs cantlon made a name for himself as a freshman when he made the perfect road trip cd for his flo: a mix of familiar throwbacks current hits and a token gangster rap song he has since fulfilled requests for workout playlists study jams and breakup mixes ive got big plans for this semester said cantlon valentines day may have passed but everyone is still going to need the perfect dateand post-datesoundtracks hit up @cantmaster_flash if you want some beats for the sheets! cantlon has been scouting the charts for his spring break mix and has already received requests for chilifest war hymnal
trigger warning: valentines privilege is discussed below a new wave of progressivism has swept across campus as students are beginning to check one anothers privilege in regards to valentines day this movement seeks to change the societal criterion that valentines day can only be celebrated by people in relationships students across campus protested those who are already privileged enough to have someone and believe they should not be rewarded for what has been handed to them among all protesters is the belief that if not everyone can celebrate it then why is it a holiday some students went as far as labeling it a fake holiday created by marketing companies to generate revenue and incorporate consumerism into our love lives on campus it was easy to find students more than willing to offer their opinion on the matter who even has the money for valentines day said barney tillerson senior economics major the average college student is poor and cant afford such luxury i walked into target saw the valentines day display and literally began shaking did no one stop to ask how this would make me feel other students were more upset with the premise of valentines day itself rather than the limited scope of its celebrants if i cant be confident in my own independence then couples shouldnt be allowed to be happy around me said margery fellow a junior general studies major when we were in grade school we brought valentines for everyone i dont see that happening now; we need equality and university officials who will support redistribution of valentines to historically single individuals several protesters felt as if the colors tied to the holiday needed a trigger warning the main color used to represent valentines day is red which can serve to trigger violent memories or pink which should be replaced by a gender neutral color said wilbur steins a senior agriculture systems major those in relationships disagreed with the movement being in a relationship wasnt something that was given to us susan and i have worked hard to overcome difficulties that weve faced being together said adam wass a junior rpts major i dont understand how someone can think people in relationships are born into them or are a product of some implicit bias we have towards being in one we just want a day where we can have fun and celebrate being together the days events escalated when a newly engaged couple under the century tree had their safe space assaulted by nearby protesters the couple was reportedly forced to apologize for their privilege of having a valentine and for their explicit and heart-centered obedience to our corporate overlords – netflix & drill and lil event
as the semester comes to a close students have become noticeably less motivated to put effort into promoting their organizational events for decades banners have been the flagship method for spreading the word around campus however controversy has arisen over the old-fashioned approach and many are calling for change students have long complained about the inconvenient amount of time they have to spend passing out flyers and holding banners in the weeks prior to their events recently some innovative organizations have remedied this problem by utilizing the extensive network of foreign exchange students at texas a&m brian hirsh the head director of one of the obscure new mens organizations on campus noticed the reluctance to sign up for banner shifts early on at the beginning of the semester we had no problem getting our members to go out and promote events with banners we would just play ‘closer by the chainsmokers on repeat and we were fine but even that stopped working so we had to try something new brian decided to hire a translator and venture into the foreign language department where he was able to recruit eleven foreign exchange students to rotate through the banner shifts it has worked out fantastically! im able to get them to show up to their shift on time with only 60% of the effort i had to use for our actual members! members of organizations across campus are thrilled with the new method i just joined a sorority to get drunk and meet frat guys said kathryn calhoun a sophomore member of zeta tau alpha i couldnt care less about promoting awareness for some charity i only sign up for shifts because i dont want my parents to get fined and i want to be able to go to my formal some groups have gone as far as outsourcing the physical construction of the banners to foreign students as well we have a pretty good system going so far said cory mayer a member of bca we usually send the banners to the engineering students first so they can assemble the pvc pipes and tie the tablecloth to the supports then we have the industrial distribution students transport it to the liberal arts office where their students compose the content and design the artwork the finished product goes to the communications majors where theyre able to practice their english while promoting our event the new system has caught on well but with recent uncertainty surrounding access to foreign labor many students foresee a decline in the foreign labor force at the university despite this student leaders are not too worried college students have a knack for finding the easy way out foreign enrage student
the mugdown continues a rich tradition of satirical publications at texas a&m cushing library and archive houses copies of satirical publications produced by students from as early as 1916 the article below is reprinted from an issue of the buttalion released on april fools day in 1957 sixty years may have passed but it seems some things dont change dr jack c cowhound big dog in the school of horizontal engineering barked out at engineering professors friday for not flunking enough students on quizzes this semester cowhound speaking before a gathering of hen house profs at the chicken farm told them that there is no such thing as an intelligent student we must make students learn that they have to boot-lick to get a degree in engineering he said smiling the atmosphere of the meeting got worse as some chickens flew from their coops and landed among the profs slapping an old hen from his head and wiping his face off dr r a birdseye head of the industrious engineering department flatly defied cowhound today is friday he said with rage members of the press quickly jotted down his stirring word rc crank head of airplane engines quickly agreed: youre right birdseye he said picking up an egg just laid by a nearby hen cowhound wouldnt let these insulting remarks go by he threatened to send both men to chancellor tt herringbone both men looked at each other with fear in their eyes one reached down and scratched the feathers on his leg they knew that this meant only one thing herringbone would turn his little dog fritz on them what a way to go they said with an almost inaudible tone with these two traitors out of the way cowhound continued his reprimand i want at least 75 percent of the students to flunk at the end of this year he said flunk all of the athletes first weve got to follow the lead of the school of tarts and seances cowhound said that the dean of that school dr aeroplane thought it was a good time of the year to flunk athletes he emphasized that he was not an athletic supporter in conclusion cowhound stressed the professors duties to their profession its an honor to be an a&m professor lets live up to the honor and flunk as many students as possible we want quantity not quality the buttalion staff 1957
chad adams an economics student at texas a&m and proud pickup truck owner since 2011 has been anticipating an opportunity to use his truck to haul something ever since he bought it after spending $40 000 on his chevy silveradoand $15 000 more modifying ithe expressed his excitement about an opportunity to get his moneys worth by helping his friend move i spent over 50k on my truck tons more on gas and have driven it for 5 years said adams its nice to know that my parents money was well spent now that ive helped my friend move a piece of furniture down the block to his new house last friday adams showed up to his friend derek turners house ready to help together derek and chad lifted a dresser several feet up into the bed of chads truck which had previously been used solely to transport up to twelve of his intoxicated fraternity brothers at a time to and from parties it was awesome of chad to bring his truck and help me out said turner if he had not been around i would have had to ask one of the fifteen or twenty other guys i know who own trucks for help or spend thirty bucks on a u-haul i think everyone should use their truck to move something at least once said adams when asked whether he would consider hauling more things in the future but thats probably the last time ill be hauling anything for a while it wasnt easy lifting the dresser those extra 3 feet into my raised bed and it definitely left some scratches that ill need to get buffed out adams confirmed that he continues to be happy with his decision to purchase and use an expensive truck in college rather than something more practical he also insisted that his overhead spotlights and 36 inch tires are essential for traversing the rugged college station terrain for the time being adams will return to revving his engine loudly at 6 am and leaving plumes of black smoke at busy crosswalks teenage music gig ‘em turtles
a version of this article was first published in the august 2016 print edition of the mugdown so you want to be student body president huh most students are asking themselves questions like can i wash my maroons with my whites or how many days can i safely go without brushing my teeth but not you youre asking how can i talk at as many aggie moms clubs fish camps and sga impeachment trials as physically possible well lucky for you the mugdown has formulated a point system to find if you are student body president material! now that you know the requirements of being student body president here is how to position yourself so youll be ready for your future campaign lets begin this is texas a&m so you better be christian if you expect to get anywhere in student politics but you cant be too christian theres a fine line you have to walk people who are too christian come in two varieties: those who are too nice so no one takes them seriously and those who are too judgmental be comfortable throwing some god talk into your daily life so others will know that youre a christian but it should be a side dish not an entrée the entrée should be a&m talk make sure that you talk about a&m like its a religion but again not too aggressively nobody likes the im too redass for my own good guy dont go overly into 2%ers good bull or the bevel because you want people to recognize you as a positive person always talk about a&m in a vaguely inspirational way sprinkling in the stock phrases about the aggie spirit and inclusivity you dont have to believe that a&m is inclusive you just have to extoll that it is this is a case of good ol maroon double think™ you will need to get used to this: be humble but pompous everyone needs to know how great you are and how humble you are about it be outgoing but not too outgoing be inclusive but make sure to exclude people so you can be the one that is shining your favorite tradition is muster or silver taps this is non-negotiable flip a coin if you cant choose now that youre on campus start meeting people! everyone is a try-hard the first few weeks so you can get away with being extra aggressive you should aim to meet a minimum of 10 people per day if you are in a dorm double that and try to get out of your dorm you need to be meeting people from all areas of campus become involved! you can see which organizations are valuable and which are not make sure you get into a top tier flo you need to be in a top tier flo and well-liked by the staff of that flo second semester parlay your top tier flo into a good-hearted organization with some prestige and sga members some examples include: muster host big event staff build tell your story host this type of organization will give you the connections you need to get into your next organization if you are a girl join a top tier womans organization and then join every other good organization youre going to need it we may have a woman sbp right now but dont think this is normal if you want to be sbp you need to work your ass off you cant coast by on your good hair like the men can if you are a guy you need to go to at least three date parties your first semester it will be easy to get invited just befriend some girls by being outgoing and not creepy/looking to date every girl you come in contact with the first date party should be with a girl you were friends with in high school this way youll already know your date and you wont be too nervous this is a safe one if you dont have many high school friends at a&m i hope fish camp went really well the second date party should be with a girl you befriended in the first two weeks of school this is a little higher stakes if you messed up the first party by being drunk didnt dance or hitting on a girl you werent supposed to then this party needs to be at a different sorority the third date party you go to should be a formal or semiformal this one needs to be with one of the first two sororities gotta build that base pope francis demonstrates poor mastery of the gig ‘em technique no limp gigs chuck noris executes a gig ‘em worthy of a sbp candidates campaign photo you need a stellar profile picture this will help when applying to organizations and when you get facebook stalked you need to upgrade from that prom picture into a fun college memory the picture needs to be somewhat unplanned (ie no photoshoots) but you still need to look perfect one of you with for example one other person at a football game is always a good bet this picture also needs to have a ton of likes gilbert leadership conference or bust if you dont make gilbert your chances are significantly diminished dont screw it up kid make sure you find a mentor early the mentor should be at least a junior and of the same gender (dont want anything too scandalous for your christian base) they should live in a cute house in the historic district and be involved in at least two influential organizations meet up with them for a coffee date or some other intentional experience afterwards you should describe the person using christian terms like how you grow well with them or that you have a full heart after you click with them click with their roommates work your way out through their social circles these shouldnt be your main friends but they need to think that youre cool enough to be groomed you need someone one class year above you that will hook you up with an sbp cabinet position your junior year establish your inner circle make friends in your flo or first prestige organization that will be your support system make sure that you are the center of this group make sure youre the center of every group with your inner circle make sure that they branch out into other organizations and become the key figures there that way you can have powerful pools of support to draw upon make sure your inner circle is inviting but exclusive at the same time enforce this by taking a fun and adventurous trip over christmas break make sure your social media reflects how close you guys are remember to always be yourself unless you are not naturally an extremely image conscious attention-seeker then be a different version of yourself good luck! have we mentioned that were running for student body president… and class president… and student senate… and for literally everything else this election day write-in the mugdown! learn more at our campaign website:
this past year we have seen texas a&m athletics continue to make immense strides towards becoming a national force to be reckoned with and witnessed extraordinary successes from our track and field baseball soccer swimming and diving teams and many more with national recognition comes a surge of new recruits eager to step into their roles as figureheads by which we express our school spirit i was thrilled when i was officially asked to come play for texas a&m said incoming freshman point guard malcolm byers in an interview this past tuesday i cant wait to be completely ignored in the hallways aside from the occasional sneaky snapchat or surprise selfie in high school people are constantly trying to be my friend because i am good at basketball now i dont have to worry about anyone trying to have a real conversation with me at all! byers went on to say that he had always wanted to be a figurehead for a major university where he would not be asked to join any organizations (unless they thought it would give them good publicity) it is relaxing to only get support once a week said byers some past top-tier recruits weighed in on their experiences as well the aggie family is truly incredible and i have loved watching it from a distance all these years said senior wide receiver ethan canin they do these funny choreographed yells and a couple times a game they even sang us a song! canin vaguely remembers a single day during his freshman year where a group of guys in white came by the locker room and explained something about the yells but was told that it would not matter in the long run because he probably would not make any friends outside of the football team our athletes are a huge part of our university during their respective seasons said junior sports marketing major ethan williams its always a blast attending their games and giving them our undying love and support then going back to school the next day and complaining about the special treatment they get in classes we have a unique relationship with our athletes; neither party interacts unless they mess up in a game and were bashing them on twitter despite this popular sentiment one student had a different opinion on the matter i think that the athletes would enjoy their time here a lot more if the student body made an effort to include them in our activities whether it is extending an invitation to one of our organizational events or just inviting them out for lunch they shouldnt be left out of the family atmosphere that weve created here said freshman psychology major john mcelroy he went on to admit that while he thought this was a good idea he was really busy with his own group of friends and mumbled something about them having too much practice anyways for now athletes will continue to admire from afar the aggie familys ability to foster a positive accepting environment for students from every different background regardless of color class or creed foreign enrage student
following a semester of skipped classes chick-fil-a rogue flo all-nighters and too much damn fuego every freshman must face the harsh reality of their second semester after three and a half months of bright-eyed and bushy-tailed oblivion many returning freshmen spiral into what is notoriously known as the mid-fish crisis: the realization that being a freshman is the hardest life will ever get we caught up with several students suffering from this condition so that awareness can be spread across campus phyllis wood a freshman communications major was eager to share her thoughts oh my gosh said wood being a freshman is so so hard my bus ride from the msc to callaway is almost 15 minutes long and i only got a 375 gpa last semester im literally struggling so hard we also had a moment to catch up with engineering-turned-general studies major gary gonzales do have any idea how hard it is to build a robot while being a pledge asked gonzales i cant think of anything more challenging than balancing my responsibilities between my fraternity and other organizations while also taking theater history and math 141 after many attempts we were unable to secure an interview with a corps fish this should be a wake up call to texas a&m and a reminder for all to be kind to the affected freshmen in their lives because you never know when someone is out of meal trades koldus & cream
over winter break the texas a&m football team quietly released one of their players who was an unfortunate victim of sexual assault in late november while out at northgate the athletic department justified their actions by stating that student reactions to the event would only hamper the prevention and discussion of sexual assault on campus we want to avoid a situation where students create an uproar before forgetting it entirely and thinking theyve accomplished something said an unnamed athletic official frankly losing the player is worth not having to deal with the smugness of students thinking they addressed a major issue on campus the university backed the departments decision because students have the collective memory of goldfish changing the seal misbehavior in the student senate and that time the mugdown put down all those signs out are examples of such reactions said aaron reynolds a university spokesman in those cases a problem on campus came to light but the only thing to come from the uproar was actually preventing any real discussion or change from occurring it would be one thing if students actually brought real change but instead after a week of self-righteousness they give themselves a pat on the back and move on when interviewed about the issue several students seemed uncomfortable about discussing the subject or said they were too busy to give the topic the attention it deserves sexual assault is a problem on campus and had one of our athletes a member of the aggie family been attacked then i would have fought to end this issue said freshman biology major gerald west however the unfortunate assault of just a student on campus cant distract from the current issue our student body is fighting which is the small variety of dining issues on campus with student body president election drama coming soon the university could even decide to take reveille off the field during football games and we would be too distracted to notice said ryan spoetzl a junior finance major sexual assault is a pretty deep topic and if it really is such a problem the administration should be the ones to fix it i just ride the emotion wave with everyone else netflix and drill
it is a well known fact that the most important day in any young aggies life is the day they turn 21 ring day and graduation pale in comparison to the feeling of being able to legally consume alcohol it is only right that such a monumental event is commemorated by proper celebration however with the excitement over cover charges and fake ids being gone you may forget crucial details thankfully the mugdown is here to help you plan the perfect party with some quick tips on turning 21 1 the e-mail the only email from the university that matters as soon as you receive your 21st birthday email be sure to take part in the time honored tradition of posting it on every form of social media just like the rest of the emails that a&m sends you do not bother reading it it only contains boring information concerning your safety and the dangers of binge drinking make sure to crop the sad part out before posting it 2 the facebook event the second step to party planning is the invitations create a facebook event group with all the details regarding your drunken ascension into adulthood try to invite as many people as possible so you seem more popular than you really are while still making sure to passive aggressively withhold invites from certain people like that bitch from your flo as the party gets closer have your friends post embarrassing photos of you so the guests continue to get notifications (bonus points if they were taken while you were under the influence) do not forget to say byob 3 the pregame have a picture backdrop for your guests 21-shaped balloons and a lit playlist for the perfect pregame aesthetic try to enjoy the party and overlook the fact that the three hours spent cleaning and decorating will be wasted 30 minutes into it this is also your one shot to get nice photos of you and your friends before you become too belligerent do not post any photos yet; see step 5 4 northgate just try not to get arrested okay 5 the day after waking up and being stuck in bed for the next few hours is the sign of a night well done if your phone is not full of texts asking if you are still alive you did not party hard enough if you cannot remember all that happened be sure to look back at your friends snapchat stories to help clear up your memory even if your birthday was not a success you can still trick your friends on social media into thinking it was make sure to post a photo of you with a caption such as cheers to 21 years or the well-loved classic twenty-fun if you are more unique and quirky post your photo with an inside joke and make those not at the party confused and jealous most of all try not to think about how the night of your 21st birthday was full of regret and no different than any other night of the year lets be honest youve been drinking since your first gig em week lil event
yesterday evening chancellor john sharp announced that the board of regents has voted to relocate student disability services previously in cain hall before being relocated to white creek to the galveston campus in its place a lazy river will be constructed in a circuit around west campus with convenient stops at the new cain hall hotel northgate and the bush library access to the governor rick perry ‘72 lazy river™ will be restricted to the members of the texas a&m foundation who have contributed at least one million dollars to the university it is expected to be used to complement the new luxury hotel and parking garage built after the demolition of cain hall while we are aware that this may pose an inconvenience to those who use student disability services regularly sharp said we receive more money from donors than we do from our disabled students as a university that prides ourself on our excellency in the stem fields we must do the simple math and come to the conclusion that more money is better than less money sharp went on to announce that a small shed on the beach had been requisitioned as the new location for student disability services we think that will be more than enough room to do whatever is they do over there said sharp for ease of access it was announced that student transportation services much lauded for their occasional timeliness would be running a weekly shuttle between the college station and galveston campuses the shuttle will leave from the msc at 8:00 am every monday morning and return at 4:00 pm assuming that the tide is out for those students who have classes during that time slot the board of regents recommends simply transferring to the galveston campus big brother jed this article was first published in our print edition released on january 30th 2017 pick up a copy in the msc evans quadbucks sbisa or wehner by friday february 3rd!
seen walking to class last friday in a t-shirt depicting two kittens riding a unicorn through space texas a&m junior andrea mendez caught the attention of a few other pedestrians with her unique style choice she says this happens often and has spent much of her college career honing in on the most unique personal style that she and all of her friends can embrace mendez is known across campus for perfectly capturing an ironically-ugly-yet-somehow-cool-and-confident fashion that few can master yet everyone seems to have adopted this often takes shape in a variety of outfits she has precisely constructed and meticulously planned in order to give off a carefree vibe her most well-known pieces include a slightly-baggy overalls and converse combination accessories like bucket hats fanny packs and animal socks and the occasional multicolored windbreaker but you have to be careful said mendez when describing her technique for uniqueness you have to choose the right occasion to wear ironically silly clothes and you cant take it too far big-little reveal yes but wear plenty of makeup so people know you are still pretty underneath that nightgown formal clearly not but if you can find the right dress to pair with converse you could increase your edgy image bonus points for nose piercings her go-to places to shop include the walmart t-shirt section goodwill if she is desperate and amazon which she often just calls my moms closet in order to make sure people know her ‘90s wear is authentic mendez says the best way to know if you have attained this incredibly distinct style is to post an instagram picture of yourself in an outfit said mendez if at least one comment reads ‘silly girlie !!!! then you know you have made it corpus escort
in an email sent to all management information systems students the mis department announced that it has done away with the isys prefix for its courses effective fall 2017 all classes previously labelled isys will now be labeled istm isys classes were subject to some controversy due to sharing a pronunciation with the terrorist organization isis what do you think im worried that the power vacuum left by isys will contribute to further destabilization of the region between isys demise and engineerings illegal settlement of the west campus a&m is laying the groundwork for a more extremist regime to gain a foothold craig howard senior studying political science with a minor in facebook commenting i already feel safer on campus patricia erickson sophomore studying wooden cabinet design isys was just a spinoff of mis relabeling them istm doesnt stop the real threat tyler price junior studying pumpkin patch marketing im tired of the board of regents changing all of our sacred traditions like its nothing brenda edwards senior studying innovative stair construction i thought we already killed bin laden roman gill freshman studying election engineering i like to think that somehow legalizing concealed carry is what led to this abigail mccarthy sophomore studying pizza hut architecture

winter break can be an exciting and busy time for many students attending texas a&m there are brief study abroad trips old high school friends to see résumés to be updated minimesters to sob over et cetera for most students it is a time of peace without the burden of education looming over their shoulder when returning to college station the pressure of social commitments and putting together a completely new schedule weighs heavily on the populous the typical greeting of howdy! is replaced with what did you do over break trevor blanch a senior accounting major stands among the few to hold true to our core value of integrity meh i kinda just scrolled through my friends instagrams and watched a lot of house of cards said blanch when asked how he spent his four weeks this is a far cry from the typical response akin to i bungee jumped in south africa on average blanch spent nine hours a day lying on his couch pretending to be asleep when his mom would call him to help her with literally anything if he was not on the couch blanch could be found looking out his window thinking of the glory days of high school blanch went on to say i get that i could have been more productive and spun this time as an educational opportunity or whatever but sometimes seeing other people doing cool things makes me feel like im doing cool things without spending the money blanch plans to continue his respite this coming may metta world pizza
after wednesdays frustrating loss to k-state aggie football players decided to move past their dissatisfaction and end the season on a more uplifting note during thursday mornings team meeting players reminisced on the highs and lows of this past season and shared thoughtful notes with each other: nice things nice things is a tradition many fish camps flos and other organizations use to look back at the year and the mugdown was able to retrieve several highlights of the nice things shared among the current players: josh reynolds thank you for not picking track over football -quarterback well thatll be the last time a k-state player ever teabags you again -defensive tackle teach me how to do a one-handed catch i cant even catch with two hands -wide receiver myles garrett have fun at the browns -running back you look damn good in a cowboy hat -safety can i have your headband collection when youre gone -kicker trevor knight im going to miss dropping your passes -wide receiver can i have your biceps when youre gone -kicker keith ford i was a chevy guy until i met you -offensive lineman daeshon hall please join me at the browns -defensive end christian kirk i dont watch star trek but youll always be ‘captain kirk in my eyes -full back connor mcqueen how do you get your hair to be that perfect -quarterback why do the fans chant your name instead of mine anytime i take the field -quarterback dont leave me here alone i love you -quarterback good bullogna
yesterday evening during a routine drill of one-upping your friends with your own problems two students got more than they were bargaining for at 7:00 pm jason dominguez and sandra baldwin met with junior bims major alison chen in the annex to prepare for an upcoming biochemistry final dominguez started off the study session by describing how he was totally screwed in all of his classes and that he will almost certainly be losing all of his scholarships baldwin then interjected to inform dominguez that while his week had been unpleasant she was going to get a 30 on the upcoming final had been awake for 25 hours straight and had been recently found out she is sensitive to gluten certain that her tale of misery could not possibly topped baldwin then turned to chen and asked hows your week been going amid piles of papers and scrawled equations chen answered though we have not been able to get an actual quote of the horrors that followed our investigators have received information that chen is somehow bearing the weight of a continuum of problems unparalleled by any other student on this campus or any other at time of press no testimony is available from baldwin and dominguez whenever either was asked about what chen has said to them they avoided direct answers or refused to speak entirely there are truths no one should hear said dominguez in a police interview eyes focusing on some faraway point ideas no mind should hold i thought that i was miserable…i thought i had a lot of finals was taking too many hours had meetings deadlines…please do not ask me about this again at 7:28 pm security camera footage captured dominguez and baldwin leaving the study room walking a short distance down the hallway and then falling unconscious on the floor they were promptly evacuated to a local hospital where they woke 12 hours later at precisely the same time while they appear to be unchanged physically both of the students appear to have been changed on a deeper level spending much of their time staring ahead blankly and only rarely speaking doctors have requested that hospital visitors do not bring in any schoolwork and that terms such as online homework labs and exams be strictly prohibited when speaking with the victims of chens misery this occurrence repeated several times when groups of students with later reservations entered chens study room after a group sent by tamu pd to investigate was found collapsed on the ground a task force sent by the cdc arrived earlier this afternoon and sealed chens study room shut before evacuating the entire annex fearing that chen would spread her hazardous burdens further we would like to urge all students and faculty to avoid evans library and the annex until the crisis has been resolved in addition finals week has been declared an informational hazard and should be avoided in all conversations for those in need of medical alcohol beutel will be dispensing shots of taaka throughout finals week big brother jed
many look at their day today and find their social calendaras well as their social-activist calendarfilled to the brim with potential ways to spend the evening check out our top 7 ways for you to show your friends how totally not racist you are! no 1 aggies united attend a free concert listening to the easy non-confrontational rhythms of ben rector! this event will also feature president michael k young attempting to counter racist narratives at texas a&m by rapping his most recent emails to the tune of lin manuel mirandas hamilton no 2 protest richard spencer at texas a&m for those looking to get their daily dose of exercising first amendment rights be sure to hydrate stretch and pace yourself caution: do not feed the trolls options include: (a) #btho hate protest in rudder plaza (b) ags against white nationalism lecture (c) silent protest group at rudder tower (d) protest music at rudder (non-amplified instruments welcome to join) (e) make racists afraid again protest (f) houston socialist movement to shut down neo-nazi platform (g) some of those other things you were invited to on facebook probably no 3 challenging the right to be racist on campus for aggies who are more #woke than an air-horn alarm clock and 3 shots of espresso this event is put on by the liberal arts college they are trying their hand at being relevant and valued at texas a&m no 4 counter the counter-protests confuse everyone with grammatical double negatives be prepared for a group to counter your counter to the counter protests no 5 breakaway seek shelter in the christian bubble yes this is still happening no better way to prove you are not a bigot than by making disciples of all nations even the black ones no 6 find your 15 minutes of fame nows your chance to make it on cnn or fox news! hover around the media area today in order to give your two cents on white supremacy youve already told your friends that youre not racist but now is your opportunity to make sure millions know be careful! one misstep and you could end up alongside the listeater in the aggie meme hall of fame no 7 post about it but stay home! while you could have put those 2 500 words towards your term paper were sure your facebook friends enjoyed your #hottaek on contemporary race-relations and the response of university administrators you did your part so enjoy your personal ve-day as you rewatch season 1 of the man in the high castle 5k for yell & north by northgate editors note: regardless of what you choose to do with your evening every eventeven netflixwill be finished in time for silver taps this evening: join us in honoring a fellow aggie at silver taps tonight at 10:30pm in academic plaza
ap beutel health center the place where everything is made up and your health doesnt matter™ has recently received an overwhelming influx of students complaining of various illnesses likely due to the new inability to q-drop classes and the rapid approach of finals dont tell anyone but when i went to beutel i was not even sick i got super drunk the night before and i had a massive hangover plus i had a test i didnt study for and i needed more time said angelica gleason a junior english major who was not aware she was being interviewed until halfway through actually i went because i had this really bad cough and i didnt want to spread this to my other classmates yeah thats why i went the majority of students leaving beutel give similar excuses due to this rise in admittance beutel has decided to ramp up efforts to meet the needs of the students student health services has made plans to install a fast pass line in beutel for students whose symptoms are not very severe and just need an excuse to get out of class the process is simple: just print out the form attached below fill it out and go into the beutel fastpass line to receive an excused absence form by implementing this new system beutel hopes not only to expedite the process of skipping class but also to improve their reputation among the student body this makes me actually want to step foot in beutel now that i know it wont take me three hours to get a sick form said martin guyer a sophomore construction science major the fastpass line will become active december 7th just in time for final exams mission trippin
while many students recently made the difficult decision to q-drop their classes due to poor test performances lack of attendance and other general failures as college students one aggie has confidently remained enrolled in spite of dire circumstances dennis parker freshman engineering major is eagerly awaiting a massive curve on his final grade parker scoffed when he saw how many of his peers had dropped from his calculus class they are all overreacting if you ask me said parker who scored an abysmal 39% 52% and 45% on the first three exams honestly there is nothing to worry about you really think that the professor can fail over half the class absurd professors just want to scare you into studying more but they dont have the balls to actually fail that many people these naïve freshmen obviously do not understand this whole college thing the way i do parkers extreme confidence in his inevitable success is primarily grounded in his remarkable ability to predict the behavior of his professor dr traci norton parker has absolutely no doubt in [his] mind that norton will curve class grades any day now this unprecedented curve is expected to provide roughly 25 or 30 points to the overall grade of each student according to parker who probably should have spent time studying instead of developing advanced mathematical models to forecast grades let me break this down for you said parker to our mugdown reporter lets say your grade is somewhere around a 50% right now you probably look at that grade and see an ‘f and that is where you are wrong add in your guaranteed 40 point curve and suddenly youre looking at an a! i seriously do not understand why so many people bailed from the class at press time parker admitted that he should probably study for the final but claimed that he still has about a week before he needs to really get serious about that interyellar
it is no secret that college students love a good deal and black friday and cyber monday are the reigning kings when it comes to frugal shopping from clothes to pizza rolls a good bargain goes a long way and this year texas a&m is joining in on the fun for one day only ecampus is offering a cyber monday special where all online grades are 50% off indeed class averages campus-wide are being slashed lower than ever before! missed the q-drop deadline students who act before 5 pm pacific standard time are eligible to receive a free student withdrawal form in the mail! trade in your self confidence and free time for an all-new 2017 bundle of emotional and mental stress and anxiety with no extra cost to you! that is an $80 000 valueabsolutely free! optional features shown but wait theres more! students who drop out today receive an honorary art degree as part of the tamu-thon sign then cry event! some restrictions apply offer not valid in ak and hi may not be combined with other offers see advisor for more information member of the corps of cadets inquire about a discount for uniformed personnel bacon & ags
much to the irritation of local residents and texas a&m students alike numerous college station through streets are currently closed for construction munson nimitz lutherthe list of closed roads seems inexhaustible so what is with all of the construction college stations historic neighborhoods feature streets that seem like they were planned by a three-year-old scribbling on a map with a crayon in fact college station hired its first-ever city planner in 2012 boasting the majestic easterwood airport an actual highway and only four roads that actually matter this city is a bastion of transportation excellence despite these impressive infrastructures local bigwigs intend to improve college station roads even more by introducing additional medians to the city one by one residential streets are undergoing a massive taxpayer-funded project to divide every stretch of road into two distinct sides i for one love this new initiative said nicole luna a recreation parks and tourism sciences major at texas a&m i find it really hard to tell which side of the street is safe for me to drive on when i am using one of those few roads that dont have medians the mugdown sent secret operatives to last months city council meeting to learn more councilman john nichols gave a statement regarding the project: more medians dammit! i need them today! lets get this ball rolling! id better see a curb between every lane on harvey by next month or i am building them myself! local voices have asked that additional medians be created like those on holleman drive near heb or at the intersection of harvey and dartmouth the roads here force drivers into their own laneseparated by mediansafter making the left turn because that is a sensible and very common way to direct traffic what the hell is this in addition to preventing anyone from ever turning left medians offer various other benefits they look great and distract the driver from how ugly and poorly maintained the rest of the road is and they offer a trendy spot to display local fauna to have a picnic or to stake out traffic violations while road construction in college station typically leaves residents foaming at the mouth because of the various inconveniences at least everyone can rest assured that the end result will be totally worth it bacon & ags
in order to become a member of the christian community many have given up hours on pinterest to find the perfect calligraphy font or spent money on pseudo-adventurous clothing for some though the sacrifice is greater than learning a new skill or purchasing a new wardrobe and many are not willing to make it there is a growing population of spiritual misfits who have attempted to burst the bubble through various heinous acts such as asking questions holding different political views or experiencing doubt acts which have landed them on the outskirts members on the inside retain their christian identity by making sure they cannot hear anyone who threatens it sophomore lisa arndt created a stir at her church when she said the word feminism in a discussion i was just trying to describe what feminism means said arndt but the moment i started talking about it they revoked my christian card i didnt even know i had one of those many parents warned their children about the dangerous culture of brainwashed liberals within academia but figured that their students would be safe at a fairly conservative university like texas a&m said one aggie parent i pray every day that my son will not abandon his belief in god fall into the snares of satan or worse: vote democrat luckily for these parents most aggie students are safe from the assault of the progressive agenda that runs rampant at other universities the christian communities at a&m are often described as tight-knit engaging and accepting of many different viewpoints on which bethel song is the best students who question the status quo however know that there is a downside to these close communities an anonymous former member of the bubble began to drift away from his church community during this election season i was told from people on both sides of the political spectrum that wasnt really a christian if i voted one way or the other said the student i thought jesus was the most important person in christianity but i guess some people believe its the president you can spot these spiritual misfits discussing theories of creation and evolution at any local coffee shop corpus escort this is part 3 to read the new new testament part 1: watercolor to wine: click here to read the new new testament part 2: we are one body: click here
on the last day to q-drop classes a large number of students and aggie football fans have called upon head coach kevin sumlin to use one of his university allotted q-drops to drop screen passes from the offensive playbook the grassroots movement named please run better plays draws support from several notable sources including texags good bull hunting every current student at texas a&m and every former student who keeps up with aggie football their message according to spokesman and junior finance major alex madison is based on simple reasoning they never work! said madison screen passes never work! why do we run that play it never works like what the hell man most supporters of the movement many of whom have not played football since sitting on the bench in high school claim that their skills as an offensive mastermind far outpace current offensive coordinator noel mazzone my god i cant believe he is still around said jake creed a senior supply chain management major i could run better plays than that guy we have the best receivers in the nation and we throw freaking screen passes un-freakin-believable the movement insists that mazzones years of experience and success at other schools make him no more qualified than your average couch quarterback watching from home he came from a west coast school i cant respect that said creed with disgust everyone knows they dont play real football several protesters in the spirit of the twelfth man have offered to stand in should mazzone be fired between now and the lsu game boy do i got a plan for yall said madison put me in sumlin and youll see hubey throwin bombs to kirk in the slot speedy tearin up fools joshy makin those ridiculous one-handed catches in the endzone but you wont see one damn screen pass the football coaching staff has not responded to the calls of the movement but seem unlikely to change their plan in the face of futility hospitals around bryan-college station are bracing for a wave of patients stricken with battered aggie syndrome after next weeks game against lsu fish daddy
poor art skills are not the only thing keeping people from living as true disciples of jesus christ to truly do life with intentional believers one must make real sacrifices a bible study meets every wednesday night in vincent askelsons home the young men ride to his house on mopeds take off their patagonia backpacks set aside their sticker-covered nalgenes remove their chacos and spend time talking intentionally about scripture this week askelson asks the group to discuss a passage from matthew 19 in which jesus tells a rich young man to sell all that he has aaron held a new member speaks to the group we need to give everything awaylike in our hearts we need to sell all that we havesymbolically of courseand not be attached to any of our possessions or jealous of the possessions that others have the group nods a few sigh with heartfelt hmms and everyone rides home on their mopeds this is a scene familiar to anyone within the bubble many christians inspired by st pauls writings about the church as one body have adopted a more literal interpretation of the teaching aspiring to show their oneness through a monotone of comfort colors brand-name exploring gear and identical tastes in music held a freshman came to texas a&m with no idea how to set up an eno why anyone would ever grow a dirty ‘stache or who ben rector was upon first meeting his church of unity small group held quickly learned that being part of the body would cost him no one ever told me i had to look like them said held but come onif you really want be united to the body of christ youve got to walk the walk in birkenstocks held stated that he would never regret the sacrifices it takes to follow christ i will gladly lay down my money my smooth face my preference for indoor activities and my individuality if it means i get to purchase the clothing grow the facial hair participate in the hobbies and ultimately become the person that jesus wants corpus escort this is part 2 to read the new new testament part 1: watercolor to wine: click here
partially painted canvases litter the floor surrounding rachel nordemans desk one is an unfinished drawing of a disproportionate anchor; another an attempt at watercolor wildflowers nordeman sits at her deskcluttered with open paint palettes and empty coffee mugsand hunches over her latest project: a woodcut with the words it is well painted in a cursive font she leans back in her chair and takes a deep breath; nordeman feels the weight of her entire belief system riding on this painting for many christians painting began as a leisurely activity often it was used as a time for spiritual reflection slowly mulling over the words of scripture or a popular worship song the hobby of some however has quickly become the duty of all nordeman an active member of crosshopeskybridge bible church only just recently received her mission to create i was scrolling through my instagram feed and i saw that three of my small group friends had posted calligraphy paintings one of them even painted in the pages of her bible those three photos in a row made me feel like peter as if jesus was asking me three times if i loved him said nordeman unfortunately she soon found that she had not yet been given the gift of artistry despite prayers for this talent nordeman and many other christians still struggle to live out the socially constructed concept of their religious identity because they lack the ability to paint beautifully enough to take a photograph worthy of instagram sharing corpus escort this is part 1 to read the new new testament part 2: we are one body: click here
on november 9th the city of college station implemented a new law forbidding the use of a cell phone whilst driving the next day local law-abiding citizen and student ryan bradley crashed into a telephone pole on holleman bradleys friend connor watson was following behind him right before the incident ryan was always a good guyalways a rule followerbut he usually need something to occupy his attention while he was driving said watson this incident and many similar ones have prompted psychology professors to investigate the cause of this new spike in car crashes dr sam sung a professor of psychology at texas a&m found a possible connection between accidents and the new legislation ive begun to notice a similar pattern amongst these incidents the phone-ban law has caused students who were accustomed to using their phones while driving to become bored and disinterested with the task at hand which ends up resulting in careless accidents i think they are beginning to realize how short their attention span truly is said dr sung after receiving a snapchat dr sung provided no further comment and instead spent the remainder of the interview working to maintain snapchat streaks duncan dough
every fall many newly-single freshmen enter texas a&m declaring their independence and commitment to remaining single for the foreseeable future after some time of friend making and flo mingling freshmen inevitably pair off in precisely the manner they swore against in a matter of weeks these pseudo-couples go from happy lunch dates to heartbreak to track this phenomenon we followed freshman business major mitch collins through his romantic odyssey we started talking to collins in early september after his recent acceptance to a flo fish aides has been such a blast so far! said collins i have loved meeting such friendly guys and girls i recently broke up with my high school girlfriend though so i am more interested in making guy friends right now and hanging with the bros collins initial front was convincing but time would prove him wrong collins contacted the mugdown the next day in a surprisingly quick follow-up a bunch of us faides went to fuego last night for the first time and one of the girls sally donovan was in the group she is so much different than the girls i went to school with because she is just real and asks such intentional questions said collins he denied claims of liking her but said he was considering asking her to have lunch at the msc after two weeks of silence collins once again reached out following the first chi-o date party im telling you guys right now sally is the one! i have never been so sure about something since i came to college said collins as he recounted his evening of infatuation i can see us now at our sons first high school football game at westlake! two days later collins came forward with the sad news that sally wanted only to pursue friendship for the sake of heart guarding sally was my person i thought she was my future wife now i dont even know what to think anymore said collins donovan declined to comment and hullabaloo hall sources report she just dated collins for his dining dollars koldus & cream
the american institute for university dining (aiud) has named ag café of texas a&m the nations best university dining center although this accolade comes as a surprise to many chartwells officials claim they knew ag café was destined for public recognition sooner or later last years winner the university of colorados bison bistro had claimed the award for eight years running but now ranks number two behind aggielands crown jewel of west campus the criteria for aiuds annual award is based off of four categories: customer satisfaction restaurant variety cleanliness and operation efficiency barbara warfield of the aiud provided an explanation on conducting our nation-wide survey we found that texas a&ms ag café utilized opportunities that other on-campus dining facilities miss said warfield during lunch hour students want to mingle with each other ag café does an extraordinary job of creating long lines to both pay for and receive food this design allows students to take a break from their fast-paced lives and catch up on the previous nights lacrosse match or whatever southern college students like to discuss further comments highlight the universitys strategy in making ag café the only real dining option for the students on west campus ag café is the cultural hub of west campus said warfield business biology and agriculture majors dont want to be distracted with numerous options for lunch…they just want one ag café is seen as west campus msc; it is where all of the west campus majors intermingle and express ideas having multiple west campus eating establishments would only take away from that flair one other distinguishing variable of ag café is its love for chick-fil-a through extensive research we found that students operate most effectively on a routine disciplined chick-fil-a diet said chartwells west campus dining director joe polynesian further confirming this practice a recent survey was conducted by chartwells and found that west campus students consumed over eight ag café chick-fil-a meals a week in designing ag café we included a which wich that takes over an hour on average to get your sandwich as well as a greasy burger eatery that we knew students would reject with this strategy students are left with no other options than to eat chick-fil-a for every meal on west campus said polynesian chartwells is proud of all of the positive reviews it has received from students amongst all of the new developments surrounding other parts of campus west campus students would hate to see new dining options compete against ag café the over abundance of nuggets waffle fries and long lines are a staple and tradition of the life of a student on the wrong side of the tracks good bullogna
in an effort to provide customers with a more novel experience puppy station plans to release a new collection of non-genetically modified puppies the popular store located in the soul-crushing post oak mall will be introducing wolf pups in early december coinciding with finals in order to cater to students who need study breaks cassidy arenal manager of puppy station stated that the decision to incorporate non-gmo dogs in their store was more than just good business science is showing how bad gmos are for humans but it is not just affecting us it is affecting mans best friend too our dogs are suffering because of genetic modification i strongly believe in selling wolf cubs instead of encouraging people to buy the ‘dogs we think are normal we need to get back to the real pure and unadulterated canines our ancestors kept other puppy station employees have embraced this morally conscious outlook at puppy station our puppies are constantly sick said timothy kareven it is because these poor dog breeds have been subjected to millennia of selection and human tampering it is definitely not because we do not provide adequate space housing or socialization it is due to centuries of neglectful breeding practices not our borderline neglectful treatment in the store arenal echoed her employees sentiments our animals deserve the best despite the struggles they face because of genetic engineering by humans and giving them the best means keeping them in cages meant for one dog but with seven other puppies to try to activate that ‘living in a pack instinct puppy station owner matt gruener reassures students that engaging in good moral and ethical practices will not cost them extra we do not want to financially deter people from doing what is right that is why the cost to pet the puppies remains at 25¢ this low price buys you two privileges first you get to care about puppies for the amount of time it takes to get a social media worthy photo second you get the privilege to not care about the puppies well-beings after you have gotten the photo that you need texas a&m students seem excited for the new developments in their favorite mall store i can look forward to something during finals week now said emily derrickson sophomore industrial distribution major the adrenaline rush of petting a wolf cub and not knowing if it will rip my face off will be so much fun come and bake it if youd like to make a difference in an animals life and get some unconditional puppy love please consider volunteering at a local animal shelter two main shelters in the area are aggieland humane society (requires volunteer application and $25 fee) and bryan animal center (application but no fee) animal shelters rely on volunteers who provide meaningful human contact and socialization for the animals helping prepare them for their forever homes
for some ticket pull and converting student tickets to guest passes is a hassle for others it is a ministry kyle joseph a self-proclaimed aggie missionary who spends most of his time soliciting groupmes and facilitating sunday night sports-pass groups describes his cathartic experience through the chaos and clutter of everyday life there is divinity in the act of converting tickets most people have trouble comprehending the complexities of the kyle field box office so i try to make it more accessible to the common aggie despite josephs efforts the ticket pull and conversion process is still somewhat foreign to most students it remains an act reserved for the select few who either drew the short end of the stick or were forced to learn the process in order to pull for their fish camp these fine few are the missionariesthe faithful fans who have diligently studied the word of the box office website: 12 an aggie went out to convert football tickets as he was collecting the sports passes and pulling the tickets some were on third deck and the birds came and pooped on them 13 some were in shady places where it was high up and covered by the roof fans stand up quickly because the shade lended them extra energy 14 but when the sun came out the fans were scorched and they withered because they had no sunscreen other seats were among the opposing team which rallied up and overwhelmed the fans 15 still other seats were in good sections 16 whoever has ears let them hear (reveille 12:12-16) joseph and others like him have converted hundreds of tickets and face spiritual warfare on a weekly basis: choosing the south end zone or the back of third deck some students will never know this dilemma and remain blissfully unaware of the student ticket pull process joseph insists that those who have never been led to the kyle field box office are missing out in the end i have to remember that i am just a vessel actual conversion happens only from within the box office 5k for yell
last thursday toby brewer a junior economics student at texas a&m got out of bed early to fulfill his civic duty and cast his vote after waiting in line and completing his ballot he placed his i voted sticker on his backpack and went on his way this morning however he received a letter in the mail informing him that his vote would not be counted due to a lack of any proof on social media everyone knows that we have a responsibility as americans to research the candidates cast our vote and post about it on social media so that all of our friends can see how patriotic we are said brewer i realize that i let my country down by forgetting this vital last step in the voting process brewers peers were appalled when they learned that he had gone through the long tedious process of voting without bragging to a single friend about how political he was i dont know how he was expecting for his vote to be acknowledged when he left absolutely no evidence of it on social media said jessica merkel a friend of brewers and avid political activist since last tuesday there was no self-righteous facebook post shaming his friends for not voting no selfie of him with his ‘i voted sticker not even a snapchat story that said ‘#america i have to wonder why he bothered voting at all dr garrett mann professor of political science at texas a&m reminded students that any form of social media will do so long as enough people see the post the social media post is arguably the most important part of the voting process said mann without it youre missing out on that feeling of superiority over your non-registered friends and you might as well not have voted brewer expressed his disappointment that his vote would no longer be counted towards his preferred presidential candidate or all those other people on the ballot who i have never heard of teenage music gig ‘em turtles
upon returning to her apartment after her final class of the week local student vartika singh was taken aback by the radical transformation that had occurred within her living space singh had been working tirelessly since the second week of the semester to admonish and correct the lazy behavior of her roommate fallon uptegrove singh realized that the freshly vacuumed carpet the sink emptied of dishes and the delicately arranged throw pillows could only point to one thing: her passive-aggressive efforts to fix her roommates lifestyle had worked at first singhs efforts were small: a sigh as she washed both of their dirty plates an apology for vacuuming while uptegrove watched tv et cetera i figured she would pick up on the signals i was trying to send i just wanted to help her become the best roommate she could be said singh unfortunately uptegroves improvement remained stagnant singh ramped up the aggression in her corrective actions at the beginning of october after uptegrove left her textbooks and an empty coffee cup on the kitchen table for three days singh piled everything up and left it all on uptegroves bed she began to wash only her own dishes and pulled anything she needed to clean from under uptegroves stack of plates and utensils i never actually said anything to her said singh when asked about her admirable mentorship of her once-inept roommate verbal communication honesty and clear expectations are totally overrated she needed to learn how to take care of the house but i wanted her to figure that out through a series of impersonal charades the action singh believes ultimately changed her roommates ways occurred last friday when singh became irate at the crumbs littering their kitchen floor enraged at the mess she knew uptegrove would never clean up singh swept the crumbs into the shape of her roommates initials: fu sure it was a little on the aggressive side to write such a direct message but she needed to know exactly who i expected to clean this time said singh and now look at the place! i bet fallon is super thankful she had someone like me to teach her proper roommate etiquette corpus escort
protests rocked the east side of campus today as news that a liberal arts major was hired for a well-paid internship while petroleum engineering majors are still without internships and jobs junior english major sarah oliver received an offer from a well-known consulting firm because of her analytical and personal skills jobless petroleum engineers refusing to believe liberal arts students have any skills at all marched from richardson to the liberal arts building carrying signs that read no math no science no jobs we went through years of real college classes to earn our spot at the table said junior pete major logan fenster the world really is going to hell if that damn book-reader gets a job while us real students get left in the dust the petroleum community has been on edge since the beginning of the oil decline and the news of olivers success was the last straw for many i have not slept in five daysfive daysand i still cannot get an internship said fenster im not saying that i think liberal arts majors dont work as hard as me i know they dont! she doesnt deserve it! no non-engineers deserve jobs other ‘students dont know the hell we have gone through! the number of engineers joining the protest has been fewer than expected fenster claims partially because engineering students were getting lost after leaving their respective buildings and partly because they are typically afraid of sunlight sometimes we forget that there are other majors at a&m so we dont really know our way around campus said senior chemical engineer rosa burg i mean all of us non-petroleum majors made $10 000 on our internships last summer and were all pretty big deals so i dont see the need to know about the less accomplished parts of campus when asked about her thoughts regarding the engineering communitys outrage oliver responded with candor i think today is a win for the writers poets and lovers of culture everywhere said oliver sucks to suck engineers or as william shakespeare would say ‘thou art a boil a plague sore an embossed carbuncle in my corrupted blood fish daddy
last friday afternoon local student aaron gilchrist a senior mathematics major shocked the aggie community when he hosted a press conference admitting that many of his problems were his own fault after spending over four years at a&m and seeing another set of midterms that i did poorly on i realized that i had simply run out of external factors to blame so the only place i had left to turn to was myself said gilchrist overlooking an audience of students and reporters from his balcony at northpoint crossing during his freshman year the excuses were easy for gilchrist a tas heavy accent his over-involvement in student organizations and poorly written textbooks were all things that he could easily point to when explaining his less-than-stellar grades however as the years went on the excuses become both more necessary and more tenuous because i coasted through freshman year without learning anything i found myself in upper-level courses without the foggiest idea of what i was doing and for a time i was able to get by finding copies of old tests was at least good for a c and i could always find a way to justify my mediocre performance said gilchrist after his junior year gilchrist used a drop in the local air pressure to explain his d in linear algebra to his parents however that was the last excuse he could come up with and now there was nothing left to keep the crippling existential dread at bay he was a senior with no real skills in his chosen field of study and now he was facing an entry into a crowded job market i would be blaming our football team right now for my failed relationship but theyve somehow been less of an embarrassment this year said gilchrist that was when i realized that maybe i am the reason for some of my problems and that maybe if i worked on improving myself and growing as a person i would be better equipped to deal with adversity when he was finished speaking gilchrist took questions from several members of the media most notably a texags beat reporter asked if he had tried blaming his problems on the burnt orange media conspiracy big brother jed
in a strange turn of events a student who thought he was standing in line at the msc underground panda express found himself voting instead of ordering fried rice michael schenkel sophomore economics major had been watching cat videos on his phone and had not noticed that what appeared to be panda express was actually a shoddy sign made out of used chinese takeout containers hiding a polling booth looking perplexed schenkel followed the crowd and pulled out his drivers license as a form of identification when asked for comment after the incident schenkel said i stood in this line for 45 minutes because i thought it was worth my time i wanted fried msg with a side of meat and rice not a fulfillment of my civic duty i have already shared tons of dank bernie memes on facebook isnt that enough for you people other students that had been tricked into voting voiced similar complaints its just so inconvenient said kayleigh stimmers junior english major standing in line for sub-par chinese food for an hour is precious ‘me time now i have wasted it on exercising my democratic right and taking part in the future of my country my vote probably wont matter anyway those running the booth were not surprised with the uproar we know that getting panda is far more important in the long run than participating in this election did we trick them yes said junior political science major morgan herrington unfortunately logical and emotional appeals have failed and this was our last resort despite this clever guise voter turnout was still low many students had wrongly equated social media rants about the election with the impact of actually voting and thus had not bothered to vote at all students instead flocked to the other panda express locations in college station particularly the one at the corner of texas avenue and george bush in hopes of salvaging their precious three hours of lunch time to combat low turnout in future elections herrington is planning a more elaborate fake panda express booth that will be irresistible to hungry students: she plans to have two working cash registers come and bake it & metta world pizza if you are registered to vote in brazos county you can early vote in the msc two weeks before nov 8 (starting oct 24) or you can vote on the day of the election (nov 8) lines for early voting will be much shorter than those on election day and probably shorter than the lunch line for panda express for more information on voting in brazos county check out gig the vote if you are registered to vote in another county visit this link for voting locations
the starbucks on the quad often called quadbucks by the students who frequently study there was constructed as a way for non-regs and cadets to come together in a friendly environment the large facility was supposed to improve relationships between the corps of cadets and the student body at large at first the starbucks and its attached study rooms were used to great effect non-regs and cadets came together to collaborate on projects and form study groups cadets were happy to find that the new starbucks and its proximity to the quad provided a permanent location in which they could easily find boot chasers the symbiotic relationship was so strong that even banner holding began outside the quadbucks doors despite these positive effects trouble in paradise began once non-reg men started to use the study rooms hidden within the building the presence of non-regs triggered cadets and made them feel insecure as they were forced to witness the display of non-reg privilege through demonstrations such as long locks of hair and poorly kept facial hair the promised land of good coffee and boot chasers was shattered as a cadets natural enemy began to overtake their home turf the conflict between the two groups resulted in the cadets finding their safe spaces in study rooms deeper in the quad rather than use the starbucks as a place for meeting people outside the corps cadets now abandon the location after getting their coffee i like to study in the starbucks in hopes of finding a boyfriend except i never see any corps guys in here anymore said kara frye a freshman psychology major and kappa delta member i do have straight as from all the time i have spent in here though said frye in order to prevent people from taking to the study rooms to watch netflix all night cadets are hoping to create sensible regulation for use of the rooms the current proposal calls for requiring the student id of a cadet to gain access to the starbucks study rooms at the start of the year it wasnt a big deal we could work on group projects with them…now they just sit in the study rooms on their phones it defeats the purpose of having the rooms in the first place said alex story a junior computer science major at this point i just want the university to establish a safe space where only cadets can reserve the rooms i am the one who has to survive the corps so i should at least get to use the rooms myself other cadets have voiced their support for a more extreme measure to protect their safe space within the starbucks were going to build a wall let me tell you its going to be a beautiful wall and it will stop all the non-regs from immigrating into our starbucks said donald beauregard a senior cadet do you know the best part the non-regs are going to pay for it with their student fees just like they paid to renovate our first deck seats the cadets hope quad wall construction will begin this year and will be completed sometime around 2030 lil event & netflix and drill
though only in her second year as the official mascot of texas a&m reveille ix has already started making plans for after college while many former reveilles have gone on to live in quiet retirement this years rev is looking at opportunities to do something different ive learned so much during my time at a&m and i would hate for all my education go to waste i cant bring myself to simply settle down with the first hound that impresses me i want to do something with my life said reveille most reveilles have a seven year reign before settling down by the side of a german shepard or other working dog i really just want to take time off after i graduate and see whats out there i watched balto recently and it really inspired me to consider training for the iditarod in my spare time said the cadet general and highest ranking member of the corps sophomore gavin suel this years mascot handler was shocked to hear of revs plans after college i dont understand why she feels the need to continue working she would be better off having puppies who could serve as the next generation of reveilles suel said everything is done for her here i think she doesnt understand what the real world is like out there other students agreed with suel noting that the only sensible thing for a female dog to do is have puppies and raise them it seems to be popular sentiment that reveilles size and stature really prevent her from having a job after graduation unlike a male dog if reveille was a boy then she could realistically dream of having a career in the military or as a police dog according to her linkedin profile reveille has begun research into the job requirements of service and therapy dogs she is hoping that her current position will not allow for unfair hiring practices i think im going to apply under a fake name maybe a boy dogs name like max or buddy said the first lady of aggieland or maybe even my real name… after all my name isnt reveille you know lil event
we bring you an inside look at the quiet takeover of the corps of cadets at texas a&m an exclusive investigation by the mugdown gentlemen im sure you understand why i had to call this meeting six men gathered around a conference table on a sunday evening in august tension filled the air the men were unusually brief in their salutations and stared distantly toward the paintings surrounding the roomdepictions of cadets and the university through the ages their corps had survived a lot pondered the officers how had it come to this finally the commandant broke the silence: gentlemen im sure you understand why i had to call this meeting all nodded exchanging nervous glances for years we have known that the mothers of cadets have organized and while they may have seemed docile in the past influential members of the aggie moms communities have risen to power they have created a legion of mothers grandmothers and aunts with one goal in mind to overthrow our rightful control of the corps of cadets they call themselves quad moms and i believe that… i believe we have a coup detat on our hands no longer would the mothers of cadets have to place a call to the trigon to change corps policy; the decision-making could be centralized with full control last spring the mugdown was approached by a whistleblower within the trigon about unfair practices regarding the awarding of annual unit awards we sent one of our reporters to embed themselves within the office of the commandant to investigate and instead they discovered a silent deposition of the commandant and his staff the quad moms organized their junta and set off to take full control of the corps no longer would the mothers of cadets have to place a call to the trigon to change corps policy; the decision-making could be centralized with full control quad moms understood the achilles heel of the office of the commandant: recruiting and retention mothers would need to leverage the membership of their children in order to threaten the commandants primary goal of growing the corps to 3 000 cadets by the year 2023 the deal was on the table moms would ensure their fishs membership in the corps if the commandant stepped into a ceremonial role quad moms had executed a checkmate and the commandant would have no option but to surrender the image of stability was paramount the office of the commandant would remain in their positions but the camarilla of quad moms officers would grasp the true power over the corps of cadets though the office of the commandant was stripped of its power quietly behind the thick masonry of the trigon quad moms are slowly transitioning the become a more public face of control their website even lists their address as the newly-conquered corps of cadets association building quad momscomplete with uniformshave begun to occupy the quad to verify that their cadets are being treated with the respect they deserve and are not being asked to do things they do not like the new mom uniforms were phased in seamlessly with the newly renovated quad quad moms first act in power was to improve the corps lifestyle after receiving numerous complaints from their freshmen turning to an already deteriorating 4-class system holicks boots were to become a privilege of all cadets freshman through senior our informant reports that the commandant suppressed the change in order to protect the corps most valuable whitebelt retention tool other mothers lobbied the cabal of quad mom officers for increased transparency in the interaction between fish and upperclassmen plans reveal the placement of google livestream cameras in dorm hallways in duncan dining center and mounted across the quad there was special interest in providing the pissheads with body cameras that allowed mothers to visually experience their freshmans corps experience i enjoy that mother can critique my pissheads performance mother ensures that mr jones sees to my individual needs as a freshman whenever mother sees something she doesnt like she immediately texts the commanding officer to let him know along with the major unit commander and cadet training officer said norman bates a freshman cadet mother knows best said fish bates as he walked to class leaving the side of the quad and making several of his upperclassmen greet him our inside source was forced to flee the area after the quad moms set up a physical office within the trigon it is uncertain what changes will occur at the bequest of the mothers who now have permanent residence on campus to act as a liaison between corps parents and university officials in the wake of so much loss and change cadets have found hope in the resilience of the commandants office to preserve big t traditions frequent support has been given to the enforcement of biders being remained peaked for all cadets except seniors north by northgate & netflix and drill
after saturdays heartbreaking loss to the alabama crimson tide there has been a growing unrest amongst the powers that be in aggie football after spending millions of dollars on a football stadium indoor practice facilities locker room waterfalls and statues worth several mountains of bronze fans have become frustrated that the money spent has not correlated to guaranteed success indeed since joining the sec head coach kevin sumlins football teams have posted a record of 0-4 against lsu and 1-4 against alabama without any division or conference championships to show for it at a recent press conference athletic director scott woodward seemed genuinely puzzled by a&ms recent loss i dont really understand what we are doing wrong said woodward pausing to wipe his brow we have dumped an absolutely obscene amount of money into our program which means we should be winning all of our games we directly paid prairie view new mexico state ucla and utsa to come to kyle field and lose to us this year i dont see why we cant do the same with our sec opponents i have contacted their athletic departments repeatedly and asked them to name a price but no one returns my calls furthermore the athletic boosters have also experienced difficulty transforming their money into a guaranteed path to a national championship its selfish is what it is says an anonymous donor we spend millions of dollars and hours of our lives bribing recruits to commit and paying for whatever stupid bull**** the kids these days are into yet alabama and lsu refuse to recognize our hard work and let us take a turn at winning the conference louisiana cannot even fund their own flagship university! they should be groveling for whatever money we offer them it is an absolute travesty said the donor at this point im even considering using my money for something that actually matters instead of being oddly invested in the personal lives of 18-22 year old amateur athletes several message board users on texags have already predicted an undefeated season for a&m in 2017 big brother jed
written by the century tree howdy there! this is your favorite local tree speaking we need to talk lots of you aggies have been walking under me lately and hey im glad that i can help yall make things last but theres something i need to get off my trunk it just needs to be said: stop asking me to make shitty relationships last 100 years i get it youre young and in love and you really want to make things last with that special someone but lets maybe consider that walking under a tree that magically binds you two to stay together forever may not be a wise choice for your situation is that really what you want youve already changed your major three times since coming to a&m but you want to eliminate any way out with your boyfriend or girlfriend dont come crying to me when youre stuck with some douchebag because you used my powers to trap yourself with that special someone ive got to be honest here im not even all that sure ive got what it takes to turn a shit-show like that into a happy marriage back in the day it all started out with some easy couples some pairs whose love was already bound for eternity walked under my untrimmed sagging branches and suddenly its a tradition people started giving me credit for making their relationships last forever sure maybe i played into it i definitely didnt mind the attention especially when all the other trees were making fun of me for being like a century old and so overgrown but now there are jackasses bold enough to bring their girlfriends and of only a week under me like i can do something with that and i dont think i can take it any more this is really getting out of control you all need to stop walking under these branches with all your baggage expecting me to work that shit out and make it last for a century im not a miracle worker listen i cant stop yall from fighting all the time and cheating on each other its not happening i mean at least give me something to work with here and then yeah sure ill give you that extra boost so you can be confident it wont end anytime soon but all youre offering me is a black hole of a relationship that is obviously not meant to be look ill see what i can do but just dont get your hopes up ps i wont apologize for making anyone alone for 100 years i didnt ask for any type of century long cursing abilities: good or bad yall can take the time to walk around me if you really dont want to be alone for your entire lives interyellar
for many the terms hometown and where youre from are used interchangeably and thus incorrectly this correlation has become so common particularly in college towns and universities that it is rarely questioned despite the commonality of this practice however ben tattlebon freshman accounting major from plano texas has openly identified himself as being from dallas i find it a little offensive when people ask if im from ‘dallas dallas ive made a decision and i want others to respect it said tattlebon at birth tattlebon was assigned a zip code but his internal sense of hometown was conflicted confronting this conflict openly is common in the college-aged population especially among freshmen often students view residency as a binary concept; either you are from dallas or you are not some make the distinction though that while zip codes are pretty clear residency exists on a spectrum amy strecker comments on tattlebons hometown identification at first being from highland park it really bothered me that ben was introducing himself as being ‘from dallas i had overheard his earlier conversation where he admitted to actually being ‘just north of dfw but then i realized it doesnt really matter to me its his life not mine for most zip code and hometown identity match for others the question of hometown is a little more complicated of an answer 5k for yell
what started out as a calm quiet evening at home quickly turned into a night sophomore simon riley wishes he could forget rileys best friend tom gauguin turned down his proposal to a casual night of gaming and pizza with an ill-conceived long-winded meandering narrative i mean what kind of ‘friend would do that if youre going to lie at least have the decency to come up with a coherent excuse said riley riley confirmed that gauguins excuse contained bits and pieces of previously told stories famous works of literature and even sections of several religious texts if he thinks my ego is so fragile that i cant even handle a simple ‘no to a low-stakes hangout then i think im going to have to reconsider this friendship said riley when questioned about the rejection gauguin stood by his prior statements and all of its extravagance you may find this hard to believe but i really did spend three days in a whale while spotting all the phoneys and spinning straw into gold said gauguin if simon really is my best friend he should trust and know that i would never lie just to avoid hanging out with him as of press time the pair are no longer friends which gauguin attributes to riley going crazy cutting his ear off and sending it to [him] plug down for watt
hannah wimberly student body president of texas a&m announced sweeping reform plans for the university this week in an attempt to improve the schools public image the packet mainly addresses ways to educate and assist incoming students it includes plans to increase the number of parking permits available for garages on campus ways to make it easier for new students to find and apply for organizations and calls for updates on how a&m recruits high school students the contents of the packet have been mostly lauded as great improvements but some areas are more controversial one section of the packet calls for increased visibility for issues regarding sexuality especially regarding lgbtq students and information about sexually transmitted infections which has been loudly opposed by many members of student government and by the leaders of many christian organizations off-campus senator aj stevenson recently released an official statement: more wcg ssg and ucg will help carpool on ng and make it easier to go to wcl the msc scc and hecc oc sga member ra and lbar major aj said flos like flic fle forme flare fast flip msc alot msc fli free afc and prep should be shown to nscs fc dgs and fows hs students fresh off taking sats acts psat/nmsqts come to tamu and need uins as from tas and good gpas not the dl on being dtf sga byx kyx bca amc and the bor oppose the sbps lgbtq-std pr lmao its nbd idgaf about being pc for lgbtqs blm or stds like aids or hiv said dj jones gis major rotc co and rv tbh i only care about playing rpgs and mobas like wow lol or dota reading gbh and watching the qb hit the wr for a td on the tv in the msc at 6pm cst tgif ts&gs chophouse sweater burger
last tuesday an aggie spirit bus struck junior construction science major brett samuels outside of sbisa dining hall this incident has sparked suspicions as the university will be paying for samuels tuition and medical bills from the accident i honestly didnt see the bus okay its not like i waited for it to come by or anything said samuels in an interview sure i know you get free tuition for getting hit by a bus and of course i wasnt looking forward to being in debt the rest of my life but i didnt walk in front of the bus on purpose! reports say that samuels was seen standing dangerously close to the street for about six minutes constantly looking right and left before crossing the street in front of a bus that could not stop for him in time the bus then struck him and he fell to the ground julia trivette a sophomore chemical engineering major was on the bus that struck samuels i honestly didnt think anything of the sudden stop the bus drivers are always flooring it and then slamming on their brakes so it was nothing out of the ordinary at first said trivette paramedics arrived shortly after the crash and walked samuels over to beutel he received treatment after waiting in line for about 45 minutes though some are sympathetic for samuels most students are skeptical of the whole situation it just doesnt seem right that texas a&m would pay for his tuition because of one little thing that happened to him said an anonymous student i mean i saw the whole thing and it looked pretty staged to me another anonymous student weighed in on the topic saying this whole situation is unfair i was hit by a biker just last week wheres my free tuition university officials are currently looking into the legitimacy of the accident samuels suffered a broken leg and fractured arm but is expected to make a full recovery within the next couple of months officials are advising students to not walk in front of moving vehicles in order to obtain free tuition mission trippin
texas a&m is seen as a bastion of respect and integrity but underneath this facade of civility is a decades-long conflict: the perpetual bikers vs walkers civil war walkers are facing increasing danger as the university shows increasing partiality with the bikers back in november 2015 the league of american bicyclists called texas a&m a bicycle friendly university this blatant favoritism can only mean that the university is choosing to ignore the fact that innocent students are being struck down in cold blood while simply walking around as such the bloodshed has reached peak levels this semester just last week this bicyclist attacked two of my friends in academic plaza said junior zoology major allison kettering he zig-zagged through the crowd to confuse my friends and while they were disoriented he used his extra large backpack like a mace and struck them down a transportation services employee on a segway saw the whole thing but rolled on by like nothing happened the conflict has become so intense that higher entities within the university are becoming involved the board of regents assures that accepting even more students with each incoming class of freshmen while keeping bike and foot transportation infrastructure the same will eventually solve the problem officials cited darwins survival of the fittest theory as their inspiration we get more money from more students said jerry strawser vice president of finance and administration we will not have to improve transportation because in such high concentrations the students will just take each other out decreasing the population naturally and leaving the strongest most worthy students win-win! despite this tense environment some students have found a silver lining i am so fortunate to go to a school that challenges my reflexes and flight-or-fight instinct every day said daniel nguyen freshman mechanical engineering student no other school prepares you for the cutthroat wilderness of real life as well as a&m come & bake it
after confusing saturdays football game against tennessee for a paramilitary takeover of campus a group of graduate students took cover in a fourth floor laboratory in the biological sciences building a strange smell and jammed office door alerted campus police of the groups isolation early monday morning a group of us were working over the weekend when we noticed a lot of activity outside there was loud chanting and a series of explosions so we panicked said a visibly shaken first-year phd student we are in texas…what else were we supposed to think the graduate students made feverish preparations to defend themselves against the certainty of armed combatants after barricading the door with a filing cabinet the students surrounded the doorway with urine-filled beakers to deter intruders they had also begun fashioning rudimentary weapons out of lab equipment and were attempting to ration the labs supply of fly food though most of it had been eaten by the time of rescue given the makeshift nature of their defenses the students were surprisingly well dug-in said university police spokesman steve oberhaus of the graduate students it was impressive it took police a little over two hours to coax the graduate students out of the lab but they were able to do so largely without incident one officer was hospitalized after being stabbed with a pipette while attempting to breach the lab he has since been released and is expected to make a full recovery wrecking crew reba
first friday the monthly festival in downtown bryan has been a sanctuary for flannel-clad hipsters for decades but a select group of students have felt persecuted by the recent influx of normal people what used to be a lesser-known alternative to a night out on northgate has become a mainstream hangout for a variety of different social groups armed with clothing purchased at the recently-opened h&m that they swear they found at goodwill the hipsters have banded together to create second wednesday first friday used to be a spot where i could socialize freely without seeing a single pair of chacos said one student who for no apparent reason invoked her fifth amendment right to remain silent when asked her name now every time i sit down to listen to my favorite local tambourinist im forced to be surrounded by people who have probably never even heard of the boredoms reagan prescott a renowned hipster and amateur mandolin enthusiast is one of the main architects of second wednesday second wednesday will feature lesser known local talent and the best third-wave coffee bean grower in the south college station area to provide beverages in order to make sure that ‘fake hipsters dont try to show up we have obtained the entire list of bca and maggies members also we will be checking the parking lot for cars that do not have at least four national park stickers other students at texas a&m have witnessed the strife within the hipster community from afar and have some questions whats first friday asked junior sae member jefferson daniel when asked if he had an opinion on the founding of second wednesday is that like t-shirt tuesday jeffersons comments match the consensus of most students interviewed on the subject second wednesday is being advertised almost exclusively at underground poetry slams the liberal arts building and a select few christian bubble events it will take place in downtown bryan and attendees have been asked to refrain from political discussions except when explaining why they are apolitical or when talking about their least favorite new politics album foreign enrage student
when the student body woke to the news of a scandal in student senate some were surprised when students discovered that this scandal displayed a few senators deep-seated sexism and hypocrisy no one was really surprised a handful of exceptionally insecure and shockingly ignorant representatives of the student body created a groupme called sharps army a desperately needed safe space for male senators after a woman gained executive power over them conversations from the groupme were leaked and presented during wednesday nights senate meeting it was a place for us to discuss issues that males on this campus face without the undue burden of public opinion the potential of sexual harassment accusations are a horrible burden that every male on campus carries something we always have to be conscious of said one of the contemptible senators in the groupme who ironically also oversaw the new sexual assault investigatory subcommittee at the time he was said to have been thankful that his part in the senate committee he cited as his defense did not include sexual harassment another of the senators went so far as to directly parallel the situation to the national election and confirm students disbelief at the matter politics is a game and this is politics! regardless of the scale we will be sure to make incredibly demeaning and baseless attacks after all whats to fear all you have to do is apologize and it usually blows over said the senator before referencing a thesaurus to formulate his apology to the wimberly family all this time i thought student senate was useless…turns out theyre actually excellent at highlighting severe sexism and rape culture said senior marketing major andy baldwin members of sharps army have assured the student body that they are sorry and they regret their actions i am truly ashamed in myself [for getting caught] one of the senators said i acted in a deplorable manner and i intend to make changes in my life from now on [so that i do not get publicly called-out for being absurdly sexist again] i have let this university down [and i will now be sexist in person rather than via text so it is harder for me to get caught] while the fragile egos of some of the men in the groupme were lightly bruised by the public chastisement others who didnt find it necessary to step in and stand up against the harassment were able to leave with dignity intact students everywhere are disgusted that for the second time this semester women within student government were subjected to sexist and heinous treatment however the accused reportedly felt relieved that sexual harassment and assault are not primary focuses of most universities across the nation so they are not worried about being properly disciplined though two will face repercussions the remaining members will create a new groupme: the good ol boys netflix and drill & the mugdown staff
according to data compiled by bestcollegescom women make up 1870% of stem majors at texas a&m this puts the aggies in 12th place nationally and first in texas for colleges in which the most women earn degrees in science technology engineering and math heres what aggies around campus had to say if this is 12th place can you even imagine what most other universities look like aiden bradford senior nuclear engineering major i would like to take a moment to thank the industrial distribution program we could not have done it without you robert goodwin professor teaching intro to people skills for engineers and tu only got 1730% man they must be so embarrassed amanda clark sophomore member of chalk artists united student organization first corps commander then student body president and now women want to make up a fifth of stem majors these damn wags just want to take everything from us jeremy taylor super senior studying advanced basket weaving theory stem thats the major where you grow plants and stuff right sean jackson junior banner holding expert i am disgusted that 18% is considered an accomplishment for this university i would love to see more work done to put women in stem fields diane price junior studying sociology not a stem major
if you were one of the poor unfortunate souls left in college station missing the mass exodus to austin this past weekend here are some of the highlights from the first weekend of the little-known music festival a prime instagram opportunity if everyone is being really honest more than half of the people who attend acl do so just to say they did along with a sweaty smog-filled time one can rack up the followers and likes if they show their individuality with visiting such an underground scene that random guy screaming all the wrong words sometimes this guy is the best part of the show he was really enjoying his time there and at least knew the bands name that is more than can be said for most of the crowd however he did not know a single chorus or hit any note he encouraged groups of strangers to dance around like hooligans but no one joined him despite his best efforts he tried though so that is something a mosh-pit-claustrophobia-induced anxiety attack in the end fighting to the front of the crowd was worth it because seeing young the giant in the first row was life changing although the seven hour lead up to the show did make you black out from heat exhaustion alone it was a top moment a $17 craft beer the guy behind the counter knew it you knew it that was not a ‘craft beer craft just happens to be a fancy word for pretentious but you bought it anyway because you needed the sweet fuel to continue on with the whole ordeal tons of really unique human beings from students attending our own great university to those crazy tea-sips or even massive groups of high schoolers all sorts of people were out to gather for a common interest: music a fair amount were from your anthropology 205 class others traveled to austin from all over the country just to hear their favorite bands most of the fans knew one maybe two songs of said bands fingers crossed weekend 2 has just as much in store to spark the envy of those left on the sidelines metta world pizza
what is freshman disillusionment syndrome (fds) freshman disillusionment syndrome is a contagious disease prevalent in college freshmen that causes a rapid onset of disappointment many incoming freshmen believe that anything is possible after encountering unlimited ice cream in sbisa and teachers who do not make them raise their hand to use the bathroom after a few weeks this misguided idealism will inevitably be crushed by the desperate reality of being a college student a distinguishing characteristic of fds how do you get it it spreads through contact with the freshman wildcat the belief that everyone wants to be your friend and by wearing lanyards studies show that freshmen who attended fish camp are dramatically more susceptible to fds as they quickly realize they dislike everyone in their dg family and now have to make real friends on their own note: fds can infect upperclassmen but often manifests itself as pleaseemployme disease which is the final crippling stage of fds what are the symptoms fds is precipitated by the discovery that college will not be like greek or pitch perfect usually occurring after the first round of tests victims may exhibit: uncontrollable disappointment sudden denial of the previously held notion that college wont be hard and/or you have plenty of time to figure it out common among students that never had to read or study in high school taste bud loss due to nutrient deficient ramen-based diet and eating at sbisa insomnia and night terrors induced by fomo and thinking other people have already found their best friends realizing that nobody cares about how many ap/ib classes they took weight gain is there treatment fds has no cure therefore treatment focuses on managing symptoms blood transfusions from senior students reduce anxiety by making patients care less about non-important things such as personal appearance going to office hours just to meet the professor and sitting in the front of class moms love a recent fda approved drug and a promising step to a cure it tastes like the patients favorite foods and makes them believe that they are special patients in preliminary testing trials showed a 78% faster recovery time how can you prevent it wash hands after any encounter with a freshman avoid all eye contact with infected patients ignore overly friendly greetings that seek to engage you while you are clearly on your phone get rid of useless emotions such as ambition hope and optimism while most college freshmen will be infected with fds living with the disease is manageable and most patients go on to graduate and live happy lives if you are currently living with fds you are not alone that person crying into their burrito bowl at chipotle is probably infected too come and bake it
a recent email from president young has announced the launch of a new policy at texas a&m designed to encourage student unity the latest policy is a response to the push to have the memorial student center be a dead spot for cellular service in hopes to increase human interaction between aggies the idea for this policy was first sparked last spring semester by junior international studies major stanley graham graham claims that the idea came to him after he noticed that halfway through the story he was telling at lunch all of his friends were either checking groupme facebook or twitter not only was i upset to discover that nobody was listening to me but i was also sad that nobody heard my clever joke said graham graham responded appropriately by pulling out his phone to check his instagram while continuing to let noise come out of his mouth so that his friends thought he was still telling his story this new initiative seeks to bring back the traditional aggie family atmosphere considering the msc is regarded as the living room of campus graham wanted to bring back the good ol days when people actually talked to one another without checking their phone every minute for something more interesting to see i really just want to reignite the friendly aggie atmosphere that once existed here whenever i spend time with people snapchat and other social media always seems to replace me actually being with someone in person graham said the policy is currently being processed and has a high chance of being approved the overall proximity of the msc will be considered a dead zone where cellular service will no longer be available the board hopes that this will be one way that we can create genuine human interaction in an age where most is occurring through a screen duncan dough
after mondays presidential debate political awareness at texas a&m is at an all-time high while many informed voters can easily regurgitate breitbart articles about hillary clintons health or provide backwash of their parents political views others struggle to come to terms with their political education texas a&m has pioneered a policy to protect any closeted liberals: dont ask dont tell the policy proposes that if a student suspects another of having liberal views or being #withher they are to avoid any further political inquiries those who have yet to tell their friends and family about their true political identity have expressed gratitude for the universitys efforts to help them fit in with the rest of the student body i thought that when i left home i would be able to stop hiding who i really am said an anonymous freshman texas a&m is just such a conservative place… i dont know if people will be okay with you know me being a liberal the universitys hope is that liberals will no longer need to lie when asked for their opinion on social or economic matters thus eliminating the chance of any secretly left-leaning student accidentally outing themselves in return university officials ask that such students keep their political views private to help members of both parties comply members of the dont ask dont tell task force have provided tools and suggestions to make the effort successful with two weeks left of voter registration dont ask dont tell seems a timely and necessary policy to keep inter-student dialogue civil lively and entirely one-sided hillary supporters will have a higher chance of fitting in with their peers while members of the gop will be able to emulate trumps winning temperament the initiative is expected to facilitate a more cohesive and unified atmosphere within the aggie family as every aggie knows from the outside looking in you cant understand it so dont be on the outside 5k for yell to learn more about whos running how to register and how to vote in this upcoming election visit gig the votes website if you would like to vote by mail or are from out-of-state click here for state-by-state absentee voting instructions
in the most recent attempt to keep up with new army texas a&m university has partnered with venmo the popular digital wallet app to allow students to put a penny on sully from anywhere in the world using the username @sulrosscashoutking12 university officials hope this endeavor will increase popularity on what they call a dying tradition nobody keeps change on them anymore said geoff sullinger vice president of campus traditions incorporating venmo at the sul ross statue will be more convenient for our students plus the time saved by not going all the way to academic plaza can be applied to more studying said sullinger with the universitys initiative to increase academic performance officials are looking for ways to make life easier for students i like the idea said junior kinesiology major avery delfino why would i walk way over to the other part of campus close to evans and cushing library when i can venmo from my bed while watching netflix the university is looking into new ways to increase the options for putting a penny on sully within the next year students will have the opportunity to bill their student account if they wish to contribute to the famous statue lastly all revenue generated by the sul ross statue will no longer go towards different charities to further keep up with the millennials at a&m all funds will go towards the opening of a new on-campus vape shop the delivery date of the new vape shop has not been set but university officials are continually surveying students on how they can keep campus cool good bullogna
in a surprising move made by law enforcement last week a texas a&m student was arrested for possession of an alcoholic beverage these arrests are weekly occurrences for cspd and typically are no cause for special attention however in this unprecedented case the perpetrator faces a minor in possession charge despite claiming to be technically 21 years old by credit hours sophomore geophysics major candace kline who asked to remain anonymous was arrested on friday night after the police were called on the ring dunk she was attending i came into college with several dual credit hours for all the drinking i did in high school and i even got a 4 on my ap lit test said kline after all the bars ive snuck into and all the drinks i have had in my life i qualify to be of legal drinking age by now! mobile phone footage recovered from the scene shows kline being handcuffed while yelling well technically i am a 21-year-old by hours so according to texas a&m officials most credit hours obtained by drinking at community colleges do not transfer over to texas a&m the registrar suggests checking with academic advisors before claiming drinking credits on your transcript chad naralson a sophomore transfer student from the university of colorado said im having to repeat nearly a whole year here at texas a&m because they wont accept all of the pabst blue ribbon id throw down after a day on the slopes its gotta count for something right after 90 drinking credit hours (45 of which must be from a&m) a student is qualified to dunk their aggie ring those who do not reach the credit requirement upon receiving their ring are forced to dunk in something super lame like iced tea bacon & ags
thousands of students are not the only force that storms through college station every fall along with the longest grocery lines since y2k fall unfailingly brings a religious resurgence across the entire community preceding countless summer nights on sixth street and in uptown dallas many students leave their spirituality in the historic district between semesters before rediscovering them each fall semester i completely forgot i was a christian during the summer but now that all my roommates are going to church again i am fully devoted to my church community said junior communications major francis pinkman local churches have reached maximum capacity every sunday since students arrived just as they do every fall and bible studies are easier to find than fish sleeping on a couch in evans this years revival has shattered the expected downward religious spiral predicted with the departure of college stations patron saint ben stuart even impact camps are still hanging out and have yet to spurn each other to the friendship status of a subtle nod or awkward wave in the msc im so thankful for breakaway my accountability partners from camp and some healthy peer pressure for bringing me fully back to my faith during my summer i almost forgot about it completely said kimmy donaldson a sophomore engineering major despite this season surprising surge the plunge is right on schedule after a couple weekends spent on northgate and complaining about keith swim churches are starting to look like the gym in february much to the chagrin of pastors everywhere no one has noticed…life moves on as religious entities once again wait for next fall koldus & cream
fish spurs a long-held and audible tradition has once again returned to campus students from blocker to wehner are alerted to the presence of freshman cadets by the ringing of their wire spurs however recent spur thefts have students asking is it a massive crime wave or an act of vigilante justice that is sweeping aggieland this week in the past the sound provided fair warning and the ability to avoid the impending and awkward howdy now students are no longer prepared for their encounter with the khaki-clad kind until a cadet power walks by not all students are upset; many voiced their support for this vigilante group bringing peace and quiet to campus the organization which has come forward under the secretive name fraternities has appeared on campus and tasked its initiates with liberating bottle cap spurs this otherwise unknown organization appeared on campus almost overnight and identifies its different sects using sorority letters mitchell kaiser a senior political science major is the investigative reporter for the battalion tasked with uncovering information on the elusive group they appear to be a fringe group who at some point broke away from several of the mens organizations on campus said kaiser in wednesdays issue of the batt in light of the recent developments the corps of cadets has tasked its corps escort service to conduct patrols around campus to prevent further theft alex jackson a junior cadet provided the mugdown with this statement after preventing an attack on one of his fish: making the fish wear spurs is one of the ways we assist students in avoiding interaction with freshman cadets i dont understand why anybody would go out of their way to prevent that no matter how many pairs of spurs are lost the ringing will continue to serve as the campus funeral chimes during the first round of exams one thing remains uncertain: will the fraternities be labeled as thieves or will they be remembered for their selfless dedication to restoring silence to aggieland netflix and drill
no smartphone app has done more to increase communication productivity and data overage charges than groupme the multi-person messaging app widely used among college students however in a recent press release groupme announced that the application will soon shut down
thanks to donations from the association of former students the texas a&m career closet has helped many students look and feel their best during job interviews inspired by the convenience and practicality of the career closet one student has used this ingenious convenience to tackle an on-the-rise issue in college station the lack of appropriate outfits for the many themed parties the average student attends during college the costume closet is an organization that collects clothing and accessories for themed events with the goal of addressing the problem of lacking the perfect outfit to a party junior fashion marketing major ana scott founded the costume closet after overhearing a group of students complain about not being able to attend a party because they did not own an 80s style ski jacket everyone knows the main point of college is to attend social events it breaks my heart knowing students will graduate without these experiences because they didnt own a specific piece of clothing said scott not owning a basketball jersey in college is like not having clean drinking water access to these items is a basic human right this charitable venture is comprised of a variety of clothing representing classic party themes such as high school heroes mathletes and athletes and tacky tourist a majority of the closets outfits come from graduating seniors who felt their clothing could go on to benefit the less fortunate brad mueller a class of 2015 graduate decided to donate his ugly christmas sweater to the costume closet i honestly cant recall anything about that party but im hoping to truly make a difference in someones college experience it feels great to donate to such a worthy cause the new organization hopes to increase their presence on campus and encourages students to not be embarrassed to utilize their services i was a bit nervous at first but the costume closet has made a huge difference in my social life said sophomore claire mystrom i thought my sorority sisters would judge me for asking for charity but i borrowed a galaxy print dress and thanks to them i finally hit 200 likes on instagram the costume closet is asking for donations so that it may continue its mission to help enhance the lives of students and enrich the college party going experience -lil event
over the past week it has become nearly impossible to travel between any two buildings on campus without hearing the wails of the fish camp orphans after two months fish camp mandatory continuity events have ended counselors have begun the great exodus leaving their freshmen behind to spend their time with their actual friends or wallow in the realization that they have not made any due to devoting almost a year of their lives to a color the results of this migration have had a severe impact on the betrayed freshmen who now find themselves lacking guidance confidence and friends they told me they would stay with me through everything! they said they were my friends! said freshman business major jordan grant through tears i looked up to them and now theyre gone what do i do now some freshmen are too terrified to leave their dorms for fear of actually having to make real friends others are beginning to turn to dangerous activities and substances to deal with the grief i didnt know what to do once my dg parents left so i applied for a flo said freshman biology major nate solcher i know theyre bad for me ok i know they could cause me to forget who i am on the inside but everything hurts its all i have fish camp counselors were reluctant to respond to inquiries from the mugdown to offer a defense for their actions for fear of the orphan mobs which have been known to become violent at the sight of bleached hair and septum piercings look we all know fish camp is not about the freshmen; its about the counselors an anonymous session f counselor said you sign up find people to drink with maybe date another counselor or two meet some fish then dump ‘em down the toilet bowl thats how it goes the effects of the great exodus have been particularly hard on freshmen who went to both fish camp and impact first my dg mom and dad left so i went to my bg mom and dad said freshman zoology major josh graham but they told me…they told me i only love jesus enough to go to breakaway and i wouldnt be accepted until i at least attended two more bible studies regardless of their reasons freshmen have agreed that the effects of broken promises and counselor apathy on the class of 2020 can never be undone fish daddy
last april over 5 000 texas a&m students received their aggie ring a supposed ticket to post-graduation success the next aggie ring day is this friday september 16 and is expected to bring more students and family members than ever before due to this sacred event college station will roughly double in size for the weekend and the expected influx of people has forced officials to rethink crowd control in response authorities have decided to shut down george bush drive and texas avenue on friday the 16th and saturday the 17th as studies show traffic on these main roads is unmanageable on the ring day we believe closing down these often-congested areas will be the best course of action because then the issue becomes nonexistent said bryan-college station traffic engineer ron pasternak who earned his prestigious degree from the university of texas by limiting the roads available for transportation the increase in cars and people will be consolidated to only a few select areas in town which should mitigate the traffic jams around campus caused by the celebratory weekend george bush drive was deliberately chosen for closure because it is considered the perfect photo opportunity space after being presented their rings students and families will be encouraged to make their way to anywhere outside the association of former students building and the nearby streets because the building can no longer physically hold the crowds along with road closures aggie spirit buses will not be running by removing these nuisances more visitors will be able to attend the festivities as there will be more space on the roads i have always thought the buses were a huge waste of the universitys resources most people live close enough to campus to walk anyway said alan watts a senior philosophy major if you or your loved ones are planning on moving around town or trying to get to the grocery store it is advised to handle all business before the closures -metta world pizza
the city of college station recently released plans to install a new color to the existing stoplights in the area in order to reduce the number of red lights run it is obvious that college-aged people drive differently than everyone else in the state so we want to meet the needs of the students here said college station board member frank sanders we believe that this additional light will decrease traffic accidents across the board the new light design will include an orange bulb placed in between the red and yellow lights the expectations for the new stoplight design are as follows: green – wait for others to run the red light and proceed with caution yellow – speed up through intersection orange – consider stopping but determine whether waiting through another stoplight cycle is worth the risk of causing a car accident and/or gridlock red – only stop once the other light turns green the city hopes that adding this new feature will provide drivers with an extra warning to blatantly ignore some argue that the costs of this new addition could be used toward improving and repairing cracked roads but the city quickly dismissed this as an option the roads are fine said sanders sure sometimes the potholes blow tires or scrape up cars but we have determined that these lights are more necessary without this new warning how will people know when they were supposed to stop the city seems to have given up mobilizing police forces to regulate traffic as most cops are not responsive to violations other than driving four to six miles per hour above the speed limit they believe the new light will finally control traffic activity in college station installation will begin in december 2016 after the students have left and traffic conditions return to normal and is expected to be completed in august of 2037 in accord with typical college station construction schedules the orange light will only be used from september to may each year mission trippin

tuesday destiny written in a word longing and expectation delicately wrapped up toasted the line is anguish the price too great to turn down pizza rolls a roll by any other name would smell as sweet whats for dinner ideas churn in my head they churn in my stomach i shouldnt i cant refuse pizza rolls are love they are innocent on the outside inconspicuous unsuspecting but on the inside they are insatiable gooey cheesy a moment on the lips forever on the hips lies forever in my heart the box is steaming grease drips an opened box tempts me the smell rushes out steam desire just one bite couldnt be so wrong they make me want to lose control my mouth waters ive never wanted anything so badly i lift the roll every move is purposeful i bite in it explodes i explode theres no shame not tonight at least because tonight is tuesday love is patient love is kind love is wrapped up baked at 400 degrees but this isnt love it is fleeting lust carnal primitive lured by temptation taunted by gumbys i swear it wont happen again until next tuesday
two games deep into the 2016 football season a storied dilemma has entered the minds of two-percenters across campus leaving games early can be a tricky affair; many students fear the judgement of their peers whose sweaty stares follow their premature journeys down the ramps fortunately for them texas a&m university has decided to continue the tradition of casting aside its core values for money by offering a new one hour kine course titled advanced flaking the curriculum will include important strategies for leaving a game early without drawing suspicion as well as a mandatory strenuous fitness segment testing students abilities to half-jog down the stadiums stairs while carrying the burden of the legacy of the 12th man on their shoulders lessons include pretending to talk on the phone while awkwardly sliding past people on the bleachers carrying an armful of empty water bottles down the steps and explaining to the red-faced bonfire guy next to you that you are just going to the bathroom and you swear you will be right back i am really glad they are finally offering this course said senior political science major jack offerman at this point i am only going to the games for the tailgates if it isnt close at the end of the third quarter its not really worth staying i really would like to stay and support all of the blood sweat and tears that the student athletes have put in but sometimes my feet hurt from standing for so long apparently even the freshmen are interested in the course and looking forward to enrolling next summer that seems kind of counterintuitive to all of the cool videos they showed us about the dedication of the 12th man but i knew it was probably too good to be true i doubt they actually stayed for the whole game back then anyways said freshman troy mcpherson who recently returned from fish camp when asked if he would consider taking the class the course will be offered during the summer sessions in order to prepare students for the upcoming athletic seasons and will cost an extra $600 when asked what the extra money would be put towards an unnamed university representative said we cannot say publicly but just know that it has nothing to do with buying out anyones 15 million dollar contract write anything but that say its for desks or something although the class is slated to be an hour and fifteen minutes long students are only expected to stay for three-quarters of instruction time foreign enrage student
every week at texas a&ms memorial student center thousands of flyers are pushed into the faces of unconcerned students whether advertising a&ms newest womens organization or eating at panda express as part of a profit share most of these flyers go ignored despite the universal acceptance of the flier distributors that they are completely wasting their time and their organizations precious bakesale revenue a recent phenomenon has been reported to have occurred on september 8th freshman psychology major parker sandersen was seen walking through the msc and keeping a flyer handed to him the flyer was about attending the tree killer societys tuesday night informational in rudder 405 and to the astonishment of all who witnessed the phenomenon sandersen actually attended the informational my fish camp counselors kept telling me to get involved so once i was handed the flyer i took it on myself to go to the informational it turns out that everyone else there knew someone in the organization already or had been recommended it by roommates and friends so when i said that i had heard about them through receiving a flier i got some weird looks said sandersen when further questioned on what took place during the informational sandersen went on to say the presentation wasnt bad but i was disappointed that the ‘free food they advertised was just heb cookies todd kellie a junior tree killer society member reported his reaction to sandersens attendance i was shocked said kellie we are so used to students grabbing our flyers and immediately throwing them into a nearby trash bin or outright ignoring us…never did we expect a student to attend our informational based on our flyer the reason we make flyers in the first place is to stay in line with our organizations mission and values knowing that one of the most efficient and effective forms of wastefulness is by handing students our paper and letting them do the dirty work for us the first few weeks of classes are our most productive times of the year because the whole school is really pitching in to our cause whether they are an official member of tks or not kellie also told the mugdown about the societys upcoming profit share at panda express after a short period of feigned interest the flyer for the event was discarded -good bullogna
in the fall every callaway-dwelling student from a suburb of dallas houston or austin has one date marked on their brand new iphone: bid day it is the beginning of a long path to find popularity contentment and a reason to go back home and work for daddys oil and gas company but for the select few freshmen who decided to hang up their white-washed wranglers and nike golf shirts in high school mens organizations beckon historically these organizations hold socials for potential members to meet actives who they already know thanks to gig ‘em week schmoozing however this years process will be completely altered something about the old process seemed too easy said beck bannet a sophomore member of brotherhood of christian aggies we could never guarantee the highest degree of feigned interest and fish aide-level intentionality the new process pays homage to suzanne collins young adult book series the hunger games at each event prospective members will gather in a circle at wolf pen creek where a large cornucopia of guitars ukuleles and mandolins will sit in the center in addition thetas chi-os and a handful of tri-deltas will be dispersed throughout the park after tightening their chaco and teva straps the washed-up high school quarterbacks will race to the cornucopia once the sound of ben rector blasts over the speakers those organizing the process predict unprecedented slaughter as potential members attempt to secure an instrument of choice they must then quickly find a sorority girl and serenade her if the girl is wooed and both hearts remain substantially guarded the candidate moves on to the next round each round will have a separate musical theme: favorite praise & worship tune covers of lumineers songs and that original song you wrote for your high school girlfriend those that make it through all three rounds will soon be welcomed to a fraternity without greek letters those who dont make the cut will soon be texas a&ms newest off-campus senators i believe in this new process 100% said milo baker the president of aggie mens club because if you cant respectfully win a chi-o with your rendition of ‘wonderwall we dont want you wearing a columbia fleece with our logo koldus & cream
the board of regents at texas a&m plan to rename some of campuss landmark buildings including the memorial student center rudder tower and theater complex and academic building a decision many are describing as another example of the growing divide between current and former students and the administration the move is part of texas a&ms effort to raise $4 billion as part of the lead by example campaign launched in november 2015 the initiative aims to increase the funding for to research across the university system over the next five years naming rights will be given to donors who offer the largest contributions to the texas a&m endowment currently valued at close to $11 billion the decision comes less than two years after a similar uproar caused the board of regents to backtrack on plans to rename the iconic academic building the rick perry ‘72 academic building after texas governor rick perry a former student cadet and yell leader general rudder is an american hero! he led the rangers during the crucial d-day invasion of pointe-du-hoc and went on to be president of a&m during a major turning point for this school now it seems we dont recognize people who do things but donate things said amanda winston a junior political science major texas a&m maintains that the naming policy is in line with the universitys values and has been successful in the past susan hartford of the texas a&m foundation told the mugdown take the new music activities center for example donors come to us and say ‘we want our name to be put on the band hall or drill field but we dont want to have to lead and direct the band for decades all it takes is a few million and we can make it happen for them some students arent bothered by the news i love a&m so someday i hope to have a building named after me said chris stevenson a sophomore finance major if i won the medal of honor i would only get a tree at a secluded park or be the namesake of a dorm exemplifying the aggie values after graduation wouldnt get me any real recognition instead i need to do something that matters like make a lot of money so i can buy a building! when asked about negative reactions from current and former students elaine mendoza vice chairman of the board of regents responded i dont see why people are suddenly upset thanking our donors for their leadership is not a new concept at texas a&m or other sec schools edwin j kyle heroically donated the first bleachers to the athletic association i dont see anyone upset about naming kyle field for his demonstrated leadership let us know your thoughts: tweet us @mugdown north by northgate
its time! *cue power by kanye west* aggie football is back and you can bet this season will be a crazy one with more twists and turns than our offseason qb depth chart youre going to need to hold on to your seat harder than every left tackle we face this season is going to need to hold myles garrett luckily the mugdowns advanced sports analytics team is here to point out some important games this season the season opener: sept 3rd vs ucla everyone has been waiting months for this! its about 150 degrees outside but the anticipation for this moment will keep half the fans in kyle field from falling victim to heat stroke (sorry to the other half) midway through the third quarter youre going to want to leave; the upperclassman will but the freshmen bound by the fear of judgment from the nine strangers with which they came will stay the ags are going to come out firing on all cylinders as if theyve had an entire offseason to prepare there will be an uptick of babies named myles in texas the national media will predict trevor knights heisman win its such a done deal theyve already dubbed him with his own nickname heishype nickname options: ser trill a&ms white knight knight rider the cupcake game: sept 10th vs prairie view a&m (at 11 am gag) its still early enough in the season that people will be excited for this game despite the fact that theyll have to be up at oh-dark-thirty to get to this one this game is little more than a formality but the student body is still riding the high of last week and the promise of the season the starters are out of the game by the second half were going to beat the trevor-livin trevor-lovin knightin texas aggie class of 2017 hell outta pvamu myles garrett season (so far) sacks: 8 the heart attack game: sept 24th vs arkansas at jerryworld this is going to be the best game of the season and we arent even referring to the football but the fact that it will be indoors jerry jones gajillion-dollar shrine to panem et circenses will be cool but the game will be hot inevitably the ags will find themselves backed into a corner at halftime some clutch plays will get the aggies back in striking distance expect this one to go to ot at least the ags will get out of arlington a cool 4-0 leaving bret bielema looking more confused than a corps fish around girls everyone is convinced that this team is something special the defense has matured and the offense has swagger unseen since the days of johnny you believe so much that you buy plane tickets to the national championship game that evening beers consumed: incalculable hype hype hype game: oct 22nd at alabama the aggies are sitting pretty at 6-0 hot off a victory over a good tennessee squad and with a ranking that has just climbed inside the top ten nationally the student body is absolutely jacked up for this game with a zeal normally reserved for methamphetamine users or sorority door stacks with a whole bye week to prepare a&m is ready to take the next step the team does not prepare hard enough however the wheels fall off the wagon our defense isnt as strong against the run as we think it was and our offense appears inept at best the fans are dumbstruck on what to do the aggies cant fire spav or turn to a wunderkind qb to fix all of our problems the students cant believe it an aggie squad has never collapsed in the back half of the season when we go 6-0 we mean it nick saban is still the devil you cancel your plane tickets to the national championship game hearts broken: 60 000 rivalry (i guess) game: thanksgiving day vs lsu its the last game of the regular season a time for many of college footballs traditional rivalries to be contested in this sentiment texas a&m will be playing our oldest and fiercest rival a university we have hated since time immemorial so loathed that they feature prominently in our war hymn and have shaped many of our traditions: lsu of course make sure you bundle up because the three hour period of the lsu game happens to be college stations biennial low temperature have fun making the wrong choice on whether you should go home for thanksgiving dinner or stay here for the game if you stay make sure you have food in your apartment because every business in college station will be closed college station will become a cold apocalyptic wasteland where you will need to scavenge for supplies while dodging drunken bands of marauders clad in purple and yellow on thanksgiving aggies break bread while tigers break everything else property damage: ~$250 000
at the start of each academic year the corps of cadets holds its annual corps policy update brief a highly anticipated event designed to put cadets in the right mindset to start the year off with proper levels of begrudgement towards corps staff and the office of the commandant in case you happen to be a non-reg not required to spend sundays in rudder or a cadet that simply fell asleep fret not the mugdown has provided a briefer-than-the-brief summary of the 2016- 2017 policy updates these changes belong to a greater effort to bring the corps of cadets into the 21st century and the 2016- 2017 policy changes reflect updates in procedures to modernize cadet life on-the-quad over the past year many junior and sophomore cadets have complained about the rough and abrasive language used by the senior class shouting things like peak your bider pisshead! or telling them to correct their uniforms has caused severe emotional trauma amongst cadets the office of the commandant even proposed putting all cadets in the same type of hat to prevent the prevalent peak privilege problem the statement gained traction after it was mentioned that it would be a policy that reverted to old army values and would please donors former cadets cecille sorio corps commander instructed cadets to correct others in the following manner: with all due respect please check your privilege remember you must be respectful and not offend the cadet additionally forcing fish to leave the quad through the aches is an archaic and meaningless tradition it serves no purpose and damages the academic mission of the corps and will be removed from corps policy besides there isnt a way to dictate compliance of minute rules in an organization based around discipline this also lead to the dismissal of whipping out on the quad in its current form freshmen cadets will now introduce themselves to upperclassmen all over campus now a safe space exists all over campus where cadets can introduce each other without hurting their vocal chords yelling removing whipping out is the final step in making cadets look and act totally normal and not weird at all the corps also expects more freshmen to participate in physical training now that fish will no longer suffer from bruised ribs and crushed hands as a side-effect of whipping out off-the-quad with the push for cadets to become involved off campus policy additions allowed this to become easier for cadets unless that organization is student bonfire the policy update brief openly declared its position on the organization previously relying on unit commanders to conduct the ban the premise is based on fears that upperclassmen will dictate how a fish spends their sunday to prevent this they will dictate how a freshmen may not spend their sunday new army duncan | sponsored by chartwells® for generations cadets have behaved and dined in duncan in a way that dates back to the mid-1900s however with the new quad comes a new duncan cadets must grab a single plate of food in an orderly fashion sit down with their unit and refrain from complaining at all costs the phrase no lines in duncan must not be used it is a phrase that incites violence and anarchy in our community and using the phrase will propel cadets into the chaos of the battlefield over a bowl of applesauce the new approach combines the proven efficiency of exiting an airplane and queuing at the dmv the biggest change however to duncan dining center is the introduction of the patented new cooking system!™ the food will be so fresh that you wont need to eat more than one chicken breast to remain full until the next morning! but wait theres more! the first 200 cadets into duncan will receive a free spoon with your meal! the standard male cadets have long complained about female cadets being able to wear their hair in the mens style with looser regulations in order for the corps to adapt to a more progressive generation of millennial cadets hair equality has been established within the corps male cadets will now be allowed to wear their hair in a bun in order to promote gender equality between the two sexes cadet arlo kerouac demonstrates the military-style male bun at a meeting with major unit leaders in august dont worry though it could be worse you could leave the brief early- only to be caught in the rain netflix & drill north by northgate
after the massive swell of overly attached families finally fled the area this past tuesday august 23rd new students at texas a&m were given their first opportunity to experience the freedom of college no curfew limits or parental guidance accompanied these freshly liberated eighteen-year-olds after their parents moved them in it did not take long for the class of 2020 to discover the true nature of gig ‘em week a weeklong bender starting on tuesday evening and concluding early monday morning northgate pregames and off-campus parties have filled the schedules of these first-time college students while it has been an exciting experience thus far many students are eagerly awaiting the weekend with the arrival of upperclassmen old enough to purchase alcohol the supply will far exceed the demand maxine james a freshman business administration major was more than happy to increase his presence on campus by offering his opinion my roommate and i were at fish camp where we met plenty of people looking to experience college before school starts weve already blown through the stash of alcohol in our dorm room we definitely plan on having a pregame here before northgate this weekend our ra is 21 and seems pretty cool so i plan on inviting her to the pregame the majority of students have seen a decrease in enthusiasm as the week has carried on moving around campus in loose groups one member usually depends on the others for help the party last night was going well i had been giving this girl drinks all night but i never got the return on my investment because my roommate got sick and i had to take care of him all night said freshman joshua bishop students are rapidly going through their graduation money and hidden stashes of alcohol and most are glad that gig ‘em week is approaching its climax and swift end i am sure glad gig ‘em week is almost over i cant afford to continue to drink and spend this much time partying i definitely dont see these habits carrying on for the rest of my freshman year said freshman bims major earl jones fortunately for most students any mistakes or consequences of binge drinking wont be their fault the aggie family means that they can always rely on others to be responsible for their health and safety them once they black out netflix & drill
with greek life being the most important tradition at a&m formal sorority recruitment can cause many potential new members to panic luckily the mugdown is here to provide tips so that you may end up with the sorority you want after spending hours analyzing recruitment videos we have created a list of tips applicable to any sorority at texas a&m first impressions dont matter each sorority will already have their mind made up about you before you even enter the house as they have spent the past week stalking you on every form of social media its not about who you are; its about who they think you are why be yourself when you can be someone completely different being on blinn team means you must be ready to be cut from almost every house remember youre only considered half an aggie if an active tells you that she has been praying for you and god himself said you need to be there she is leading you on to make her sorority have a higher demand of girls wanting to be there drop them from your list of houses as soon as possible make sure to talk about all the partying and drinking you did in high school this will show the actives that youre fun outgoing and mature enough for real college parties dress to impress with over a thousand girls going through recruitment be sure to wear an outfit that will allow you to stand out this is the perfect time to test out your new halloween costume because you can gauge the reactions of so many different girls when you walk into the houses all the girls will be shouting their chants it is a wonderful moment displaying the chapters unity and spirit if you are given the opportunity be sure to ask the most popular chant the one about drinking be sure to ask in detail about all the philanthropy work each chapter does charity work is part of the argument that got your parents to agree with spending thousands of dollars in dues after all take complete control as soon as you walk into each house show the girls you are serious and will not be intimidated by them they must fear you before they can respect you if you dont like a sorority walk out the door it allows for both you and the active to have the same conversation one less time if all else fails preference the one sorority you want and attempt a suicide bid or worse join a womens organization lil event wondering which sorority is for you check out our flow chart here!
with the summer in full swing and the school year fast approaching many incoming aggies find themselves heading to lakeview methodist camp for fish camp one of texas a&ms most recognizable traditions fish camp also happens to be one of a&ms largest student organizations in need of over a thousand students each year to be counselors and staff members this summer one of those counselors was not a studentor even officially a counselor at all pierce grunewald february 2016 employee of the month at the local freebirds on texas avenue spent an entire weekend at lakeview mistaken for a fish camp counselor it was chill i guess said grunewald said after returning from the experience i saw all of these people screaming and dancing outside some buses i thought everyone was going to a concert or something so i got on one im pretty sure it wasnt a concert but im still not really sure what was going on those buses were heading to lakeview for session c the third fish camp session of the summer once arrived at lakeview grunewald found himself among the counselors of session cs red camp: camp cross despite receiving no training as a counselor prior to attending camp many incoming freshman were very receptive to grunewald impressed by his natural ability to fit right in at lakeview grace escobar a freshman biology-major-for-now and fish camp attendee felt like grunewald made for a great counselor i guess it was the piercings and weird hair but pierce really blended in with the other cross counselors he taught me a lot about the college lifestyle: where the best places to eat are what its like to find a job in college station who to buy drugs from… that kind of stuff other freshmen similarly expressed the welcoming nature grunewald created while at camp even though his mohawk wasnt dyed red and he only had a total of five facial piercings i still felt really at ease around him said jake towsen a freshman forensic science major it was like he was personally calling me to just be myself simply by maintaining an appearance that would make my dad uncomfortable unfortunately not everyone was as thrilled about a non-registered counselor working at fish camp blake davis a counselor in session cs green campa camp known to be bitter rivals with redwas less than satisfied with grunewalds performance fish camp counselors have to go to meetings fill out forms and complete trainings youre not supposed to be able to just walk off of a bus at lakeview and start mentoring freshman in fact i bet his eyebrow was pierced long before coming to camp he also had real tattoos which he cant undo after camp to show his freshmen that we actually do fit hard-lined stereotypes 51 weeks out of the year davis said when asked for their opinion on the matter camp cross co-chairs responded by leading a yell which was made up of the phrase red means stop green means go! if we were green wed just go home! no further comment was given when asked about how serving as a counselor and mentor has impacted his life grunewald said the food could have been better i guess and the mosh pits were weak but it was still fun sort of this statement was met with resounding agreement from the nearby freshmen grunewald has been nominated to be a fish camp namesake for next years sessions
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kais doughnut co recently announced that they are now offering a special assortment of donuts that come pre-filtered using a unique blend of icing and toppings these donuts appear to have already been photo-edited to perfection some of the new donut options include: amaro – for those who are busy and on the go scroll through more than one filter no one has time for that this donut option is for ags with jammed packed agendas lo-fi – for those who want a colorful donut experience an experience that is joyful adventurous and whimsy x-pro ii – this donut will make you wonder if you have ever truly seen a donut dramatic existential your donut will write poetry while the others are learning the alphabet valencia – for a chill donut experience you did not plan to get donuts it just kind of happened ya know mayfair – warm and welcoming these donuts were meant to be shared vsco donut options are available as well but come at a price increase kai penberthy owner and founder of kais donuts describes his vision behind this new deal we realized the only real reason people even buy our donuts is so that they can photograph them it was just the next logical step in capitalizing on this trend the new donut package called the double tap represents the instagram likes that the purchase will accrue the double tap will not only include unique pre-filtered donuts but also a list of donut puns for customers to use as captions warning: putting two donuts in front of your eyes to look like glasses will not help your vision studies show this impairs your ability to see -5k for yell
with mere days until finals texas a&m administration is bracing for the rapid devaluation and possible collapse of dining dollars and meal trades (ddmt or đ) the schools official currency the currency is floated against the us dollar but investors have speculated a collapse in the value of the currency causing panicked students to exchange the currency for tangible goods such as bottled beverages and 1000-packs of gray scantrons the trading center with mays reports that students are realizing that they have several dozen more meal trades than they can consume during finals week and more dining dollars than the aggie express carries in inventory chart showing the rapid devaluation of the dining dollar against the us dollar the uncertainty of the campus economy has led to distrust of central institutions such as chartwells and aggie express miranda ross junior applied mathematics student was seen pushing a cartload of 35 rice bowls from panda express she said i have to buy these while i can! 400 dining dollars can buy me a lot now but when i wake up tomorrow who knows what that will buy me a slice of pizza from sbisa underground im just thankful i have a freezer i can store these in for the summer a panel of economics professors headed by dr thomas saving has been keeping tabs on indicators of instability within the market of the many variables we observed we found the most indicative symptoms of a rapid devaluation of currency was bulk purchases of non-perishable goods such as gatorade and granola bars said dr saving when digging through computer records we found that the amount of meal trades redeemed by the average student increased exponentially as the end of the semester approached as we approach summer students are practically handing out meal trades in an effort to prevent a total collapse of the currency dr saving suggested introducing a negative quantity discount unit price would increase when buying in large quantities therefore discouraging students from moving their wealth from currency to food commodities
after watching the seniors of their college struggle to find a job the underclassmen of the liberal arts department are feeling the onset of panic sensing the need to change majors while their degree plans will still let them a migration westward has begun due to the overcrowding of valued majors on main campus these students have moved to the less populated west campus in hopes of bettering their chances to find a job after graduation sophomore george donner is one of the students hoping to settle into a new major on west campus ive heard stories of people striking gold in mays business school if that doesnt pan out for me there are plenty of open plots in the college of agriculture to settle in said donner who hopes to learn a marketable skill from his degree so that he can feel confident when attending career fairs current students in the college of agriculture are against this expansion with many claiming that tthe once spacious halls of the agls building have become filled with former liberal arts students reading books that allegedly are not textbooks most upsetting of all to the natives is the foreigners lack of respect for the earth in which their crops are grown this is most evident with the littering of event and organization fliers brought by those traveling on route 6 out west bubba lee a senior rangeland management major had a lot to say on the matter they come here treating us like savages and forcing their main-campus views on us they treat me like i have never been in school before but i was in the top 10% of my school and president of my ffa chapter said lee the only good that has come from their arrival is through trading with them a guy in capri jeans and thick frame glasses offered me tobacco in exchange for course notes due to the sudden increase of students on west campus the transportation department is planning to add a new transcampus spirit route to connect the campus from east to west in the meantime it has been reported that the laah building is now quieter and less crowded than the top floor of evans library and is currently trending as the new 6th floor this post was written by one of our new dirty filthy pledges back to work lil event
as the presidential election approaches students on campus have sprung into full-on activist mode briefly glancing at the trending tweets about each candidate many aggies have chosen who they will lend their support to standing by their newfound beliefs until the bitter end confident that their commentary is vital to influencing public opinion these students have spearheaded political dialogue at texas a&m the conveniently chalk-able expanse of empty walls in the wellborn tunnel have been deemed the battleground for this political heavyweight-bout turning the tunnel into a colorful combat zone of chalked passive-aggressive insults slogans such as make america great again and i stand with her cover the walls a spectacle of mild interest to the various passerby bernie sanders is the savior of this country said senior philosophy major evan wallright as he put the finishing touches on his ‘#feelthebern chalk-sterpiece his policies are exactly what america needs right now and i think each student walking between the msc and west campus garage needs to know this when asked specifically what policies he agreed with wallright went into a jumbled tirade detailing sanders civil rights activism and tidbits about hunger games star josh hutcherson jon manfell a freshman business major and supporter of donald trump is equally as adamant about converting passersby with a scribble of chalk i think the chalk on the wall is important and im not afraid to let everyone know that im a trump supporter after all trump always talks about walls in his speeches so im sure he would love the work we are doing out here whether or not you agree with the opinions of your peersor even halfway care what they think at all everybodys voice can be heard (or seen) on the walls of the wellborn tunnel even if you would just like to let everyone know that it is be awesome april you can find your spot on the wall between the caricature of hillary clinton and the make america great again with several lines drawn through it this post was written by one of our new dirty filthy pledges who doesnt yet have a name hell earn it someday
on tuesday april 26th three group members on an engr 112 project were shocked to discover that freshman corps of cadets member michael stevenson a hopeful mechanical engineering major from san antonio had completed their entire project over the weekend engr 112 an elaborate hazing ritual that the university has disguised as an introduction to engineering is designed to break the spirit of any freshmen who take it until only the most self-loathing students remain i assumed it was a three-man show when i found out michael was in our group said group member and prospective chemical engineering major caleb lee we just assigned him to carry the box of legos around campus while looking as miserable as possible like the rest of the corps guys in the class imagine our surprise when he actually showed up to class with a completed robot i dont think i have seen a single group build a working robot all semester our ta was convinced that it was some sort of late april fools joke word of this miraculous contribution quickly spread through campus unfortunately stevenson has not been seen outside of the quad since the robot incident and was consequently unavailable for comment instead we interviewed one of his fish buddies allen rodriguez a computer science major from spring tx i dont really know what he was thinking said rodriguez usually we just get out of group projects by making up some corps thing we have to do whenever our group decides to meet one of the first things that a fish learns is that if you just mash a bunch of military-sounding words together non-regs will automatically believe it ive been using ‘alpha bravo artillery formation since august said rodriguez grimacing once the upperclassmen find out he actually did something hell be in deep s**t the corps of cadets was less than pleased by this development and quickly issued a statement to prevent any further outbreaks of academic productivity while academics are an important part of being a cadet they are not nearly as important as a cadets other duties such as memorizing obscure pieces of campus trivia and falling asleep in class said corps staff member juliana vega we are not sure where stevenson is or what is happening to him to right now but we would like to let him know that aggieland will never forget his noble sacrifice big brother jed this post was written by one of our new dirty filthy pledges back to work big brother jed
the city of college station has received an influx of volatile weather since the end of spring break what many meteorology majors first thought was a simple cold front has turned into something much worse for the university a wave of what researchers call senioritis has touched down in aggieland atmospheric sciences major sara schmid told the mugdown senioritis is an airborne disease that routinely arrives in college station by mid-april every year however this year the infection has spread at a remarkable pace the first outbreak typically occurs in cities like baton rouge and tuscaloosa at the start of the spring semester it takes until may for it to hit schools where students somewhat care about their education the contagion has ravaged a&ms campus already texas a&ms student health services have reported over 8 000 casualties from amongst the u4 students dr paul bradshaw director of the ap beutel health center made a statement on wednesday: although much of the senior class has fallen to this unforgiving infection we have decided to utilize all of our resources to help protect our beloved juniors estimations provided by the ap beutel health centers world renowned cdc lab demonstrate that the class of 2017 can expect an even more severe strain during the next senioritis cycle to mitigate the threat of senioritis to campus university administrators have called on student health services to provide free vaccinations this week from monday through thursday in the msc hullabaloo hall and wehner students were also cautioned to avoid attending events like ring dunks as these seem to quadruple the chances of infection -good bullogna this post was written by one of our new dirty filthy pledges back to work good bullogna
pdf version note: this is not an application for the mugdown you missed that deadline
it is no secret that when an incident of hazing surfaces at texas a&m students are quick to point fingers under the pretense of staying in line with their values and mission one group on campus has recently been recognized for a history of testing their subordinates indeed it is a little known fact that professors are responsible for the vast majority of hazing incidents on campus fortunately armed with student rule 2445 texas a&m university will issue swift justice to prevent this organization from committing further harm the charges range from assigning a malicious burden of work to using a point system that can demerit the students in the course students across campus have come forward with reports like those of chemistry professor albert johnson charged with conduct unbecoming physical abuse hazing and creating activities so time consuming that his students missed scheduled classes to complete it one brave student filed charges after johnson refused to take late work from students and later assigned work that was not listed on the syllabus the assignment was impossible to do the night before i had to skip my classes that morning to complete it read the report on west campus allegations of depriving students of sufficient sleep causing psychological harm and substantial emotional strain have surfaced within the college of biomedical science one professor even corrected a student who gave a wrong answer to a question in class it caused me to be embarrassed by my actions i honestly do not even know if ill be able to go back to that class again said the unnamed victim who came forward to be corrected like that in front of everyone…it was such a powerful microaggression despite these horrors the worst reports so far have been those filed against professors in the college of engineering charges brought forward include students reporting that their professors have caused them to drink excessive amounts of alcohol deprived them of a normal level of bodily cleanliness and inhibited their ability to develop simple social skills with others due to excessive course loads as more charges are brought to the surface only time will tell just how many things can be classified as hazing -netflix & drill
thinking about joining the corps wondering if your outfit is a perfect match just preparing to fit in at corps of cadets: the musical follow the corps chart!
if there is one thing that students can take away from their aggie education it is the art of groupme messaging countless hours poured into group projects student organizations and picking the perfect meme have culminated into exceptional groupme soft skills for a massive majority of students at a&m recent graduate and former ska (seniors kick-ass) groupme member herbert henry has been able to utilize these fine-tuned skills out in the real world in our team meetings at work my manager kept bringing up communication and teambuilding henry said from my experiences in the ska 16 groupme i know there is nothing more unifying than sharing cat gifs and warning messages about where cops are located the aggie grad decided to start a groupme for his co-workers since then productivity has decreased face-to-face awkwardness has increased and his 56 year old coworkers have grown even more fearful of the inevitability of robots taking over henrys coworker richard lengel has noticed the difference in his behavior herbert has been secretly taking pictures of his coworkers turning them into memes and posting them in the groupme lengel told the mugdown he started commentating our weekly team conference calls on the groupme…and then liking his own messages which is just weird i honestly dont know how he gets any work done when he is constantly trying to make jokes on his phone theres a spirit that can neer be dm-ed 5k for yell
another school year has flown by which means its time once again to say goodbye to our own graduating senior members just as one anxiously waits for the next bit of our content to reach the public so have these friends of ours been waiting to be made known to the world their time contributing to the mugdown is coming to an end but the legacy and satire they leave behind will live on amy brooke if a&m ever runs out of potatoes we can really stir up some controversy ben dierker secret secrets are no fun secret secrets hurt someone brian johnson shift the fat ass harry but slowly or youll swamp the damned boat connor paetzold last in first out joel wakefield howdy matt campbell sometimes your words just hypnotize me patrick oneal i want to contribute to the chaos; i dont want to watch and then complain taylor brissette i got broads in atlanta twisting dope lean and the fanta
last friday civil engineering senior eric bloed was caught using test answers concealed in his water bottle to cheat on an exam in engineering ethics bloed who one day wants to build bridges that hundreds of people will cross daily feels like the course doesnt really matter during his honor council meeting in which he received a zero for the course it was also revealed that bloed had been paying his ta so that he would receive better grades on the essays completely ignoring the class condemnation of bribes as well as the fact that lives will someday be in his hands in an anonymous survey of other engineering ethics students it was revealed that many of bloeds compatriots feel the same way an overwhelming number of students responded with comments like ethics doesnt have math theyre for its stupid the majority of students also admitted to cheating in other coursework at texas a&m; almost 95% of respondents reported chegg has aided them in most homework theyve completed in college however nearly three-fourths of respondents claimed they felt ready to make crucial engineering decisions despite the strong correlation between those who identified ethics as not being important and low projected grades in regards to the trouble he is in bloed said ethics is the stupidest class i am taking right now and there really isnt any reason i should have to expend any effort on it nobody ever learned anything from ethics! ethics cant help you solve math problems or build a road who cares about heiress-turtle and his viral ethics or what utility terrorism says you should do i know what right and wrong is i dont need some dead guy to tell me that bloed was last seen trying to find someone to take the fundamentals of engineering exam for him because he doesnt need to take another test after getting a freakin engineering degree -gingerbredass
mugdown lowdown: how to represent texas a&m as the class of 2016 prepares to leave dear old aggieland the mugdown has done some digging to find out what it means to be a real aggie by sharing this tell-all guide we want to ensure that those who come behind fill the shoes that came before based on our research which included longitudinal studies of administrators observational data opinion surveys and intensive groupme infiltration we have concluded that one unique value permeates everything we do here at texas a&m led by the board of regents and campus leaders and adhered to by the 60 000-member student body aggies do hypocrisy better than anyone else in addition to excellence integrity leadership loyalty respect and selfless service students at a&m exemplify hypocrisy in all we do according to chancellor john sharp our core values help texas a&m achieve its purpose of developing leaders and hypocrisy is an integral part of modern leadership additionally hypocrisy truly captures this institutions mission the real purpose for which is actually to make money we found that all of our core values already had some element of hypocrisy so much so that it warranted its own recognition honor code only in person one of our core values integrity dictates that an aggie does not lie cheat or steal nor tolerate those who do however most students are aware of the official university stance that this statement does not apply to our online courses take-home quizzes and exams or online homework assignments why should integrity apply virtually with handy resources all over the internet it is all too simple to find all your courses answers somewhere on the web why even try to combat the epidemic of collaborating said freshman frank abagnale jr it makes more sense to just accept that the honor code is for select places ya know kind of like selective hearing but for ethical stuff loyal to only the redass part of what makes a&m so great are the traditions that foster a sense of loyalty within the student body however if one is more adherent to tradition than another they are given the authority to discount other aggies experiences never mind that some people want to focus on grades or need to have a job if you have time to devote to repeating archaic actions to profess your school spirit then you are bestowed the divine right to create in-groups and out-groups forming divisions is one of the most valuable skills a leader can have definitely better than loyalty not only is being redass encouraged but anything less is discouraged respect for the similar every aggie knows that when they attend texas a&m they arent just going to school but joining a family a&m students are known for their friendliness which can be seen in the way they greet each other with a warm howdy aggies respect each other that is unless that person is different everyone knows that inclusion in the aggie family does not automatically extend to students who are not white straight cisgendered christian or texan after all respect would lose its value if it was all-inclusive differing views and beliefs can be tolerated at texas a&m but certainly not respected- that is reserved for christendom in 2013 the student senate even gave voice to the students when they encouraged opting out of funding for the lgbt resources how respectful! remember were all a family here but every family functions better with a little resentment and hatred for one another selfless service is only important for one day there is nothing more emblematic of aggie spirit than storing up all that selfless service for the biggest day of the year the big event is a massive service project where for one day only over 22 000 students gather to give back to the community thankfully this day absolves students from having to do any more selfless service for the rest of the year and precludes them from doing it before the dedication it takes to wake up early wait around in a crowd fight traffic and then do gardening work for a middle-class family is an incredibly high bar of altruism done only from the kindness of our hearts (and free shirts we demand our shirts big event we will not be denied) an integral part of the big event is social pressure- a&m students especially love to be selfless when they can gain social validation for it the big event fixes everything and makes all of college stations problems go away… if only there were other nearby communities that could benefit from volunteer efforts cs get degrees excellence is an important part of any aggie developing into a leader except for when it comes to excelling at school students at texas a&m are encouraged to do just about anything to detract from their schoolwork: join seven organizations to occupy valuable weeknight homework time go for it spend an entire day on football that could be used for studying you would be crazy not to drink on a thursday night and skip all of your friday classes youre only in college once the old adage that ‘cs get degrees rings true to this day so wouldnt it make more sense for our core value to be mediocrity 40 and go and a+ serve as a reminder of how mediocre the typical student at a&m is; instead of attending class and paying attention we pay someone else to spoon feed test answers to us remember ags excel at everything you do except school then youre just ruining the curve for the rest of us leadership texas a&m prides itself on the high quality leaders that it produces this is so important to texas a&m that there are not only leadership positions in normal organizations but leadership organizations that exist for the sole purpose of developing members into leaders these organizations are so popular that when it comes time for the members to apply to be in a leadership position in the leadership organization the competition is so intense that almost all of them are denied the opportunity to lead leadership organizations at a&m love to incorporate the core value of selfless service into what they do emphasizing the concept of servant leadership with the addition of hypocrisy campus leaders will be able to officially incorporate something they have been doing all along hypocritical leadership students serving in leadership positions will be able to stop pretending to care about the mission of their organization or the general members and focus on what really matters their own self development and resume-boosting experience graduation is a bittersweet time for many students but the student body as a whole can rest easy knowing that we as an aggie family are able to wave goodbye to our fellow ags knowing that their legacy will be carried on whether it is cheating on that online exam or simply ignoring the weird kid in chem lab we will continue to teach future aggies the value of hypocrisy just as the generations before have taught us -gingerbredass metta world pizza gigsaw puzzle panda expressions and commons lobbyist
when freshman are asked why they attended texas a&m the easy answer that nearly every single one will tell you is the traditions! now that the class of 2016 is about to walk across the stage and join the legions of former students lets see just how their passion blossomed tradition freshmen senior 12th man students stand throughout the entire football game in order to show support for their aggie football team! an old tradition that dates back to e king gill and the 1922 game against centre college when gill stood on the sidelines the whole game just in case he was needed or thats what my dad used to tell me after a good amount of pregaming and tailgating i might find my way up to the game ill stand out of social obligation and keep my eye on the game clock the whole time ill probably (definitely) be on my couch at home in the air conditioning by halftime the only way id be able to go the distance is by the power of lemon chills midnight yell students gather in kyle field the midnight before every home game ready to practice yells so that they are perfect the next day its the best way to spend a friday night! the last thing i want to do at 11pm on a weekend is to find my way to campus and stand in a large crowd if they would arrange one at chimys consider me there plus then the lighter thing would actually work maroon out all of the students purchase maroon out shirts in order to appear unified in support of the aggie team everybody should head to the msc to pick one up! pull the maroon out shirt that i bought freshmen year from the depths of my dresser wrinkled and stained that is fine its just maroon out is it even a real tradition i probably learned that at fish camp at one point mugging down every midnight yell the lights are turned out allowing dates to mug down or kiss if students did not bring a date they can hold up a lighter and use the lights to find other lonely ags maybe ill ask that girl in pols 206 to be my date… if i am single mono doesnt sound like fun if i am in a relationship we can kiss whenever we damn well pleasealso the people who kiss at midnight yell have no chill anyway it is either timid freshman or brazen juniors theres no in between howdy the official greeting of texas a&m! everyone says it to one another all the time! i am pretty sure that i have not even made eye contact with someone on campus in at least a semester or two fightin texas aggie band our band is dope i like it when the tubas go huh when they turn we always win halftime our band is dope i like it when the tubas go huh when they turn we always win halftime penny on sully placing a penny on the statue of sul ross in academic plaza is supposed to bring the student good luck on their tests i know im going to give it a shot come finals week! who can afford to spare the pennies hard pass if that tortoise that they tape dollar bills to is there i might take my earbuds out though ive also learned that there is no such thing as luck in college only disappointment century tree a popular marriage proposal place for aggie lovebirds if a couple walks under its branches together they will be together forever and if someone walks under alone they will be doomed to be alone forever ill keep my distance! another proposal hes a junior a junior is that old enough to make these kinds of decisions im a whole year older and this is the fourth day in a row that im wearing these sweatpants really glad i could contribute to the ambiance of your proposal when i look like human garbage i also dont believe in the single forever thing but im not gonna test it aggie ring i cant wait to get my piece of aggie gold! the aggie ring is full of symbolism and will be a lifelong reminder that im part of something bigger than myself: the aggie family i am counting the class hours until i can apply i am never taking it off once i get it i only wear my aggie ring to job interviews in hopes that the interviewer went here i make sure to brush my face a lot so they catch a signal from my aggie homing beacon please please please hire me i am desperate here in aggieland if you do it twice its tradition but once you do it a fourth time its whatever remember that the next time you call someone a 2%er -beutel call and gingerbredass
opinion: i support hazing its an unpopular opinion but actually challenging subordinates is harder as a member of the texas a&m corps of cadets i have been denied the chance to reciprocate certain things that were done to me during my time as a fish due to some new proactive anti-hazing policies hazing exists in the corps of cadets to challenge the fish both mentally and physically and to instill a sense of brotherhood it shouldnt matter that it serves no point since the corps is the only organization on campus legally allowed to conduct physical training it is redass and old army to be subjected to hazing and to smoke the fish former cadets tell me the corps isnt as hard as it used to be besides the fact that physical fitness standards in the corps are higher than ever back then cadets used to highport the guidon on runs and thats forbidden now it doesnt matter that the guidon bearer was only a single person the war on hazing is a politically correct effort to target the unique culture within the corps by claiming the tradition is hurtful i never felt harmed by my upperclassmen their aim was to ensure that only the members they thought belonged in the unit remained without hazing how can my experience be validated by former members of the corps without being been forced to exercise outside of the standard 5 opportunities a week corps brass would be a participation trophy personal servitude let me know which upperclassmen truly cared about me making sure to waste my time having me do favors for them regardless of my upcoming exams poor leaders use the tools given to them by the corps if i wanted to physically challenge my subordinates the 5+ hours a week when its authorized then i would have to workout with them who wants to write a military letter (the tool that allows cadets to do additional training activities or unusually strenuous ones) when i could just walk into a their room at night and make them work out i mean the things you can get approved with a military letter like nuke runs log pt and cfts sound hard… i dont know if even i could do those things i heard some outfits even get workouts approved for saturdays but who wants to do something on a weekend id rather just use the freshmen as my personal taxi service corrective physical training is a step in the right direction but i have to be present at activity or formation to use it i couldnt imagine what actually being present at training times and doing difficult events would be like its hard enough registering for the courses that excuse me from afternoon activity and its not my fault that i cant seem to wake up for more than one morning activity a week i would be there but im a student after all and i need to focus on my grades its just easier for me to haze them and achieve the same result after all thats what happened to me how else will i feel they earned their place or ensure they respect me does the office of the commandant actually think that if i showed up to activity and cared about my subordinates they would respect me every cadet knows the numerous tools such as the demerit system military letters and cpt are all useless and half-measures if done correctly hazing provides a wonderful experience that brings people together except those who speak against it and are socially outcast because of it -netflix & drill
in response to questions about the universitys responsibility in alcohol education texas a&m announced in an email tuesday that alcohol education will cease to be a part of fish camp and new student conferences many have argued that informing students of the dangers of alcohol and demonstrating responsible consumption will encourage more students to drink responsibly some for the first time opponents of alcohol education claim the university has no place telling its students about something that is the parents right to teach karen page of the dallas aggie moms club said the only acceptable thing for the university to encourage is abstinence it is the responsibility of the parent to decide what their child should learn about im sure sometime soon my child will be ready to discuss it eventually i meant to get around to it but i just get so busy! page admits that she is by no means qualified to explain or knowledgeable at all of the dangers of consuming alcohol others claim that if students lack a proper education about alcohol consumption they lack the knowledge to prevent things like peer pressure or morning sickness junior bims major ottis toole said if students lack an education of responsible drinking then how is it any surprise that people could misunderstand consent when drinking with someone else yeah no one is going to pour a drink down someones throat but if they arent taught the legal definition can we blame them for not understanding the situation some people dont realize pressuring someone into drinking while theyve already had a few drinks isnt consensual others dont realize that halfway through the cup they can chose to stop with no obligation to keep drinking im just saying if you have to talk someone into drinking then you probably shouldnt be drinking with them in the first place toole a member of the corps of cadets attends a presentation on the topics at hand once a semester and agreed that having a strong education in what consent and alcohol consumption looks like benefits everyone supporters of proactively teaching students agree that while students may generally understand the basics of alcohol safety parents often avoid discussing the gray areas with their children i drink with other guys said a freshman who asked to remain anonymous i obviously couldnt tell my parents that and even if i could there isnt any way they could have provided me with advice on how to drink safely with other guys texas a&m encourages all parents to get around to discussing this sensitive topic with their young aggies before sending them to live on their own with a thousand new things to try and a tempting bar district bordering campus -netflix & drill
the texas a&m christian bubble™ boasts an impressive number of student missionaries these students utilize school breaks to travel to new and exciting places lending material aid and spiritual guidance often working in some of the most impoverished places in the world the bubble proudly sends a high volume of students into such areas to provide necessary assistance and many missionaries often comment on the powerful nature of their trips i think the people of [impoverished country] helped me more than i helped them said every first-time mission trip attendee missionaries often agree that seeing intense material poverty makes them more grateful and aware of their own blessings it is often said that overseas travel is the best way for this realization to really hit home despite the fact that they live in one of the poorest counties in texas the bryan/college station area with its large homeless population and abundance of low-income families is simply not as appealing to the servant-hearted missionaries that live in a potential mission-field throughout the year eric kenter a sophomore accounting major who travelled to zambia for four days during spring break said sure 27% of brazos county residents live below the poverty line but how else would i have satisfied my wanderlust… i mean… the call to go make disciples of all nations kenter and his fellow missionaries raved about the incredible work they were able to do for the zambian people: building a community center repairing houses and sharing the word of god they noted that these needs are so apparent in foreign countries whereas here in the bryan/college station area it is just a bit less glamorous to help out i mean i got to go out and buy long skirts thick colorful headbands and a new pair of chacos and its cheap because of the exchange rate! said economics freshman and foreign missionary jordyn haden who raised $10 000 on her gofundme account for the trip- enough to buy school supplies for hundreds of the 4 600 children in bryan who cant afford them if i volunteered here in bryan i would just wear my normal clothes and wouldnt get an opportunity to highlight my adventurous lifestyle! for haden whose instagram bio now reads craving coffee and adventure nicaragua was an attractive place to go on a mission trip because of the countrys poverty and incredible picturesque landscapes that look spectacular in profile pictures she believes that her week of service made a huge impact in the community and feels called to continue serving the world when asked about her current involvement in other volunteering projects haden said that she was looking into another trip for summer 2017 in the meantime she will be focusing on fellowshipping with other missionaries while 14 100 residents of bryan sit below the poverty line editors note: please take a moment to check out some of the many local nonprofits that allow you to become part of the solution to raise our community out of poverty: volunteer brazos county (a catalogue of local nonprofits) twin city mission brazos valley food bank b/cs habitat for humanity the bridge ministries potluck in the park boys and girls club aggieland pregnancy outreach united way brazos valley elder aid still creek ranch family promise bcs salvation army texas project unity crosscentral
why why would you not want a snickerdoodle and its free too a free snickerdoodle! i mean i understand if you are on your way to class but it takes like one second to walk by our table and grab this free cookie okay okay maybe you dont like snickerdoodles but we have a wide variety of snacks here i know you can see them because you just glanced over here do you like welchs fruit snacks everyone likes those right we are offering you free food at no cost a sum total of zero dollars you are in college right why would a college student pass up free food its not like we have piles of free food stored up in our dorm rooms unless…oh i see i bet you are the kind of person who got welchs fruit snacks whenever you wanted as a kid i bet mommy and daddy got you all the varieties too concord grape fruit punch berries ‘n cherries even apple orchard medley lucky my mom could only afford the cheap knock-off brand of gummy snacks that tasted kind of chalky and came in fun assorted shapes how can you have fun if you cant tell what it is! you want me to tell you the only time i ever got welchs fruit snacks i worked at a movie theater in high school and the kids packs each came with a small packet of welchs fruit snacks i couldnt sneak any because my manager was always watching but after the latest kiddie flick let out i could always find at least one unopened packet that had been dropped behind a seat and forgotten by some ungrateful child i would grab the packet covered in artificial butter coke and who-knows-what-other sticky substances i would rip it open and as my manager watched from the dim doorway of the theater (his mouth contorted in a smirk finding schadenfreude in my desperation) i would gobble down every last fruity gelatin morsel and you walk by like these free snacks are nothing! you narcissistic parasitic bourgeoisie swine! phew! sorry for the digression anyway have a blessed day and please consider coming to our bible study! blair vamptrapp
early thursday morning animal services officers responded to a call about a deranged beast loose in west campus library upon removal non-business major bystanders identified the unknown creature as a lost engineering student business majors on the scene swore that to the reasonable spectator there was no way of knowing that the engineer was a student at texas a&m who regularly used wcl you should have seen the way it walked in here man sophomore trophy-husband major james applegate said it came in the door went straight to the quiet section sat down and started…studying onlookers were stunned when the strange student failed to recognize at least five people lacked any organization-affiliated clothing and was peculiarly unaccustomed to humble bragging listen you dont just walk into wcl and start studying applegate said wcl isnt a place to study you come here to get coffee see a ton of people you know and brag to them about how awesome you are how many date parties you went to this week how drunk you got how successful your event was the students in the library already on edge said that they started fearing for their lives when the engineer pulled out his homework it was horrible! sophomore granola-and-proud major andrew parke said the numbers…the equations…my god it was like taking math 142 all over again several onlookers called college station animal control which promptly removed the engineer their mistake was uncovered later when another stem major identified the engineer as a human not a feral beast far from apologizing the wehner community has banded together to respond to this incident business student council ol ags one army every fraternity and several other groups whose members spend at least half of their day secluded in the wcl bubble have united to propose instituting business safe zones where no engineers would be allowed to bring in any upper-level math homework as a minority on this campus we feel victimized an anonymous business superstar said business majors dont need to be reminded that other people at this university have harder majors than us we have a right to believe the hardest class at a&m is mgmt 211! we have the right to never hear someone say that hard skills are just as important as soft skills! the newly named offended business coalition has submitted a list of demands to president michael young contending that all business major student leaders will quit if their demands are not met the list includes radical steps such as building a wall around the engineering section of campus we wont stand for it anymore said applegate we need to end the culture of microaggression and systemic ridicule of business majors and the only way to do that is to hold engineers hostage and keep them from doing anything it is only logical -maroon loon
with over 1 000 recognized organizations at a&m students are having a hard time buying premium comfort colors shirts for everything their friends are involved in if you are totally broke after spending $100 on chilifest tickets then discomfort colors is for you the standard shirts are just $2 each no matter the order size or you can opt to upgrade to a clean shirt for just $3 per shirt! no matter what option you choose discomfort colors shirts are guaranteed to fit your needs and the mediocre event theyre promoting! features include: classic fonts- times new roman and comic sans two bold color schemes- black on white and white on black two totally customizable areas- 1 x 25 on the front and 2 x 11 on the back low-quality polyester a very itchy tag
while the corps carried out its regularly scheduled activities monday morning corps commander alyssa michalke had other plans with morning formation complete and all cadets off the quad exercising michalke donned her boots strapped on her saber and told her roommate that she was going to carry out the plan of the day entering the quad renovation zone michalke descended into the steam tunnels rumored to be destroyed and excavated by the commandant himself at 6:16 am she entered the tunnels alone only to reappear at 7:10 am covered in blood wielding a broken saber and missing her right spur when questioned regarding what had happened she simply replied i need to get ready for my 8 am at 9:45 am done with her first class and in a set of fresh-pressed bravos michalke finally commented on her mornings activities saying its really hard to say what exactly happened down there bad bull was there just like i thought it would be but i expected it to be alone i had it cornered but just as i was about to slay it 2% appeared out of nowhere and snapped my sabre in half my instincts kicked in i took off one of my spurs and cut its throat but thats when things went from bad to worse sexism racism and hazing were there too and they took me by surprise she shook her head i just wasnt prepared to be attacked by three of the largest issues students face all at the same time try as i might i just couldnt deal with them on my own but luckily he came just when the struggle seemed lost a mysterious figure whose bowtie shone in the dark like a miraculous beacon came to the cadets aide dispatching the threats with expert precision once an aggie always an aggie the figure assured her before dissolving into the darkness as quickly and silently as it had come leaving only an untied maroon and white bowtie in its wake the corps commander rummaged around in her pocket during the interview eventually pulling out the wrinkled tie still stained with dirt and blood id rather not go into detail but rest assured that bad bull is dead she quietly concluded at press time michalke was found spending her time between classes staring at walton hill drawing comparisons between it and a 19th century woodblock print in her possession
with their formal fast approaching the members of a certain christian mens organization (that asked to remain unnamed) have been scrambling to find the perfect dates its a complicated situation that rolls around every april says one junior member there are a lot of girls in the christian bubble but when it comes to formal youre looking for the perfect proverbs 31 woman i mean this is a big deal – its no quarter formal it sure as heck isnt a grab-a-date if anything its a precursor to your wedding a few weeks ago while at the houston rodeo a sophomore member was struck by a revelation i was watching the cattle show and as these well-groomed sheep paraded in front of me to be judged i couldnt help but wonder ‘why dont we try this – but with girls at the next meeting after prayer the brainstorming began the premise was this: corral every girl in the christian bubble (golden thetas camp counselor chi os the godly half of tri delt a few select zetas and if they dared show their face a handful of gdis) and present them in a way that the qualities necessary for a successful formal would be highlighted of course such a well-respected organization could never publicly put on a cattle drive so there had to be a cover the concept manifested itself as a race but not just any race – a quirky 5k because in the bubble individuality is key after all it only takes 500 meters for as the french call it coup de foudre love at first sight alas the date was set for a friday afternoon the events purposes were thus: the race tested physical fitness and endurance level – keys to avoiding exhaustion when dancing the night away the organization members lined either side of the path as the girls ran through giving them the perfect view of the crop sources report that when registering for the race the female participants were asked to list their organizational involvement past summer camp employment and a short essay on what the bible verse in their instagram bio means to them following the race was a live concert featuring the talents of one member who crooned love songs to the crowd this served to test how the gals would react in a more casual environment and better discern if they fall more towards jezebel or ruth on the scale of biblical womanhood whether or not this function proved successful is yet to be determined further research will be done in the weeks to come to determine how many formal dates that were asked as a direct result of the event you cant blame this organization for understanding and acting on the fundamental truth when it comes to fangirls: if you build it they will come -christian cattle callers
this saturday 22 500 aggies will wake up early and view their big event groupme for the first time since registering across the bryan/(mostly)college station area students will be at over 2 700 locations spending the day cleaning up the community that they have been trashing for the past 364 pressured into participating by their organizations leadership students will manage to locate a big event shirt from years previous and pull it on before sulking out the door at first the announcement that big event shirts would cost something was shocking but the big event realized that people would feel pressured to advertise their involvement regardless and so did not waver on their decision to charge those lucky enough to avoid going to lot 61 for equipment pick up will be able to avoid the huge influx of people at big event kick off instead they will spend roughly the same amount of time waiting at local destinations such as fuego or shipleys donuts for food more filling than starbucks breakfast bread when asked about their thoughts about the day students gave mixed responses junior ranchland management major liam mcpoyle said i think the peer pressure is a great way to get thousands of students to get something done for a community that really cares about students and isnt just looking for free labor sophomore physics major andrea farmington had a different point of view well i know that one of our ‘core values at texas a&m is selfless service i guess that it still counts when people are pressured into it what does selfless even mean anyway i dont actually know if this counts or not whether moral or not students will be checking their watches every three minutes this saturday waiting for their joyful service to finally be over -netflix and drill north by northgate & beutel call
while most youth in dire financial straits would seek a job aaron schwartz is not like most students schwartz a junior political science major is instead relying on the kindness of strangers by hosting his own profit share hoping to use the proceeds he collects to fund his expenses this semester i initially had some reservations but why get a job when i can just get a cut of the money people were gonna spend anyway…its really a no brainer schwartz said i can use the system to my advantage so why not reportedly schwartz racked up a tab across town of well over $3 000 due to his penchant for popping bands going so far as paying people just to keep his drinks cold i spent all my scholarship money at northgate last weekend i dont regret it but now i can no longer maintain my previous standard of living schwartz said im forced to limit myself to just the bare necessities he intends to use the money he collects for food a massage chair and a new bong schwartzs friends and family have been very supportive during this difficult chapter in his life ya know ballin on a budget isnt easy this is really gonna test his abilities but im confident hell succeed said close friend wyatt corrigan schwartz has a certain standard of excellence when it comes to ballin that he would like to maintain which will definitely prove to be quite the challenge in the coming months hes gonna have to ball smart but thats our baby boy! said schwartzs mother i taught him everything he knows whatever lies ahead in schwartzs future is unclear but one thing is for certain: being a baller is a blessing and a curse -plug down for watt
peter bennington a senior management information systems major has been terrorizing recruiters across the state since the business career fair in a pathetic attempt to find a job everyone at the career center told me that following up is one of the most important steps in the application process the unemployable student said so ive been doing everything in my power to establish a connection with these people no act is too depraved for bennington who has greeted hiring managers on their front porch slipped cover letters into windshield wipers and rented a strategic billboard so recruiters will pass by a 14-foot copy of his resume on their daily commute im watching my phone constantly bennington said its only a matter of time before its blowing up with job offers sadly benningtons targets do not share his enthusiasm reactions have ranged from annoyed to absolutely terrified mary keenan a recruiter from capital one plans on getting the police involved to protect her family the sick bastard gave my kids a ride home from school and gave them cover letters to pass on to me keenan said he even had the audacity to ask them to endorse him on linkedin they dont even have email addresses! bennington was last seen slipping a copy of his resume under every pillow in college station -war hymnal
construction sites are a fixture of many college campuses with surprise detours and blocked off sidewalks a common hindrance for students the completion date for most on-campus construction projects at a&m are usually tba but in an almost unheard of special occasion this mugdown reporter has finally learned exactly when the construction will be completed: after your graduation joe platt construction site manager said the construction crew will be able to clean up and get out of the way of on-campus student activity just after you receive your degree and move out even though the exact construction site in question is unknown and all current projects were supposed to be completed in january the mugdown has been assured that construction will end (sometime) after you graduate megan osborne a graduating senior told the mugdown i thought that i would be able to enjoy or at least see the new rec center before i graduated but really i am just glad to know that it will be done by some class graduation date as uninformative and unspecific as this report has been thanks to lack of dependable resources and accurate construction schedules rest easy on the fact that construction of that one building somewhere will come to fruition post-commencement -century treeharmony
it is the middle of spring semester and date parties mixers and formals are in full swing there seems to be an underwhelming response as students struggle to perfectly caption their cute ‘n fun photos apparently those in attendance had a subpar time with their relatively good dates translation: because you secretly wanted to ask someone else but you were still pleased with your dates performance translation: the date did not crash and burn translation: you give it a b-…actually a c+… translation: you sat and talked most of the night but made it onto the dance floor to awkwardly dance to drake translation: the night was a 5/10 and you forgot your dates name hope everyone has {semi} good lives #passiveaggressive #unintentionalbullying #nofilter -5k for yell
few phrases are as well known and branded around texas a&m as the new dwight look college of engineerings 25×25 initiative however less discussed is the imminent problem of rapidly expanding a rigorous program without increasing academic support for freshman engineering majors the departments of construction science and industrial distribution have seen a massive jump in students within their ranks due to the 25×25 general engineering students who failed to stay enrolled or who couldnt enter into the limited upper-level engineering program with both of these once desolate majors filled president young has ordered the formation of a new washout department for the coming wave of students transferring from engineering: the college of pyrotechnics the college of pyrotechnics will host its only major- pyrotechnics code pyro- and will be a home for aggies with a burning desire and the academic ineligibility to remain in the college of engineering students in the major will look forward to a limited career in building demolition special effects or seasonal work operating firework displays to calculate for the inherent risks posed by the major texas a&m university has elected to take out a larger insurance policy on the building in case any accidents occur some have criticized the universitys announcement questioning if the money spent on higher insurance premiums could have been used to fix the gas leaks that have occurred in heldenfels long dated past in the college of pyrotechnics first newsletter dean max chartwell wrote we are thankful to be located in such a central building on campus that could be a prime spot for future developments however with frequent gas leaks the building has severe renovation need no worry we will just borrow a few workers from the dozens of current ongoing construction projects -netflix & drill
in an exclusive interview with the mugdown we asked donald trump to describe the various high-quality universities in texas to our shock trump had an extensive and impressive knowledge of this states collegiate systems that supersedes anything a texan could ever think or imagine after a few questions trump demanded that he write the article himself–– in the presence of such a superior man as him readers cannot judge your correspondent for submitting to his request immediately… he truly is quite the negotiator trump spent the next 15 minutes furiously scribbling on my notepad tossing it back to me as he strutted from the room the majority of the writing was illegible possibly due to his tiny hands but i made a transcript of what i could: donald trump explains texas colleges necessary listening during article: hello donald trump here– there is no doubt youve heard of me im running for president and clearing the field im clearing it! we started with 17 people and now we have 3 all of those dirty politicians– they go to dc and do nothing! complete losers i am beating them senseless at their own game what a joke! and the media is made up of liars– complete liars cant be trusted especially this reporter with whatever the mugdrown is… never heard of this paper bad leadership… failing newspaper… drowning newspaper really fitting name i guess and this reporter: this guy knows nothing! very unprofessional and hes got sugar coming out of his eyes sugar coming out of him wherever… he is off base cant be trusted he asked me two stupid questions and i couldnt take it anymore now i love texas– great state i dominated here at second place a few weeks ago but the colleges here are terrible… [on rice] theyre a wanna-be ivy league… now rice does have some good words really they know all the best words but they are nothing to wharton business school did you know i went to wharton incredible school… great people truly one of the best schools in the world [on texas tech] now this place is fun those other schools have boring speeches and classes… not here not at this school isnt texas tech fun i think i will add it to trump university together these two schools can make texas great again [on baylor] little baylor little baylor… the students dont even show up for class they are always in chapel studying two corinthians… you would never believe it and they just wasted millions– millions!– of dollars on a new stadium… they had foreign workers build the whole thing complete ripoff sad! [on texas a&m] these guys think they are hotshots because of their new athletic conference you would never believe it… they come to my rallies yelling and fighting… when they come i say: ‘get ‘em out out! out! they are completely taking away my first amendment rights these guys also have a new stadium a little bit more of a trump level if you ask me… i think i will buy it from them im an amazing negotiator… could probably get it for free [on smu] these guys seem to be like me: rich believe me: i am very rich very rich… but this school is just a little rich ive made millions and billions of dollars i have a book– it was an instant best seller incredible book this school probably sells my book in their bookstore… i am probably the only reason this school is even able to even make money sad! [on colleges in san antonio] san antonio home of the alamo i dont like it i dont like people that were captured– no real schools there no heroes bad leadership i cant believe texas lost the battle of the alamo… worst battle of world war ii it was a disgrace really [on tcu] now these guys teach with common core absolute disgrace! i will get rid of common core first day in office… that program is killing this states colleges plus these guys are liars! lying tcu– thats what i call them lying tcu! apparently anybody with tc in their name is a liar… you would never believe it bad place [on university of texas] this place is a mess first they stole my color… dont they know i own the color orange bad leadership failing school just unprofessional they bring in these students from other countries who steal our degrees horrible! i am calling for complete shutdown of anybody entering this school until we can figure out what the hell is going on in there [on texas a&m international] i cant believe there is a school for international students in texas… no americans students allowed: what a bad deal! i will build a great great wall… nobody builds walls better than me and i will force this school to pay for it we need to keep those people out! they are destroying this state! [on utep] el paso that city is in mexico… i cant believe we have a mexican college in texas they are stealing spots from american students sad! we have a trade deficit with mexico worth millions and billions of dollars our leaders are so dumb… they are getting robbed! [on university of houston] this school is a joke… complete failure at athletics i do admit they are good negotiators… stealing football players from other schools… they must have read my book you would think houston the capital of texas would have a better school than this one… what a disgrace! #### –sbisa cookie
mays business school is affectionately known by students and alumni alike as the crown jewel of west campus arguably even of all campus as junior marketing major dee roberts puts it mays is the pinnacle of greek life- banner holding is at a minimum and who you know affects how well you do who you sit next to and what groupmes you are in have the biggest impact on your grades other than tutorjohn within the halls of the wehner building and its annex west campus library countless conversations and interactions are taking place at any given moment in order to capitalize on the high impact networking potential mark b houston the head of the mays marketing department has unveiled the next big thing within the core of networking within mays: maysmeetcom maysmeetcom is a tool for business students to reach the ultimate goal of networking: to link up after getting linkedin maysmeetcom will be a dating service exclusive to business students and will offer a mobile app in addition to basics such as name major and age maysmeet will also include a resume references and prior relationship experience on each profile it has also been announced that business fellows ppa and the other inner-circles of mays will have access to exclusive events and features mays is known for its reputation of being home to all of the ‘pretty girls on campus on main campus everyone jokes about how girls want engineers but in reality we have the social skills that engineers lack without sacrificing job outlook said accounting major charlie kelly mays expects the website to be well-received since the majority of students within the college are already using tinder to the same effect -netflix & drill
the university once again took advantage of spring break before announcing its ethnic and epidermic diversity statistics photos of many sorority and fraternity members on their beach vacations provided the perfect proof for a&ms new diversity campaign relying on a somewhat archaic method of rating diversity on slight variations in skin tone researchers in the texas a&m data and research service have determined that the student body has grown in diversity even since the semester began becoming significantly more brown in a statement from the department the mugdown learned that the annual diversity report conspicuously follows spring break every year starting in 1985 when the other universities began publishing statistics on racial diversity at the beginning of the year we were registering far too much white but the university can now proudly report that we have many brown faces in our student population we love spring break tans because as far as federal funding is concerned ‘browner is better for years a&m has been representing itself as a very diverse campus not because of the ethnicity box checked on the application but because of the tone of the student bodys skin caught speaking into a live microphone at a recent public appearance chancellor sharp whispered its a great way to defend our admissions standards we can just keep bringing in white christians but publish diversity statistics based on their post-break tans! -commons lobbyist
the three most important things in my life in order are faith family and being a fightin texas aggie -rusty thompson ‘85 over the past couple of weeks you have probably seen the overwhelming support for this incredible man it is evident now after his passing truly the impact this one aggie had on so many others rusty thompson beloved director of student activities at texas a&m passed away saturday evening on march 12th 2016 after a week-long battle at the houston medical center rusty suffered from a heart attack on march 4th while grilling food for his co-workers and staff at a daytime yell practice and barbeque rusty was a loud and proud member of the class of 1985 as well as squadron five (the filthy fifth! the best damn outfit anywhere!) in the corps of cadets he was a faithful and loving husband father brother son and loyal friend to so many people a constant presence around koldus rusty was a man who absolutely loved his job and loved to work with students he would often say dont ever think what we get to do is normal he lived his everyday life with the zeal and passion that embodied this quote he touched thousands of lives during his 53 years on earth the outpour of love and support shown over the past week has been a testament to that rusty held many roles working with students at texas a&m including advisor to aggie bonfire where he guided the university through one of its darkest times after the stack collapsed in 1999 rusty was also the advisor for the aggie yell leaders class councils the aggie wranglers muster fish campfor which he was a namesake in both 1995 and 2015and several other student organizations he treasured the relationship he had with every student he met through these roles not only did he change the lives of the students he directly came into contact with he also went out of his way to befriend and support every student aggie and person he interacted with it was through rustys leadership that the mugdown was able to grow and succeed as a student organization– we are proud to call him among our first fans rusty thompson the aggie family is privileged to know you softly call the muster let comrade answer here their spirits hover round us as if to bring us cheer mark them present in our hearts well meet some other day there is no death but life eterne for old friends such as they here –mugdown staff join with the family and friends of rusty thompson on monday march 21 at 7 pm in rudder auditorium for a celebration of his life and legacy the service will include musical pieces personal testimonials video tributes and a photo slideshow following the service will be a small reception in the rudder exhibit hall where a display will be setup to highlight the incredible life of rusty thompson
with spring break about 24 hours 23 minutes and 12 seconds after the publishing of this article (but who is counting right) every student still in college station present company included has honestly stopped giving a flying [email protected]$# omg school sucks said becky summers just now i hate that im not on a beach or drinking or at home on my couch slowly becoming an immobile vegetable ill just scribble something down on my test and worry about the grade when i get back summers is not the only one turning in assignments that could only be described as absolute crap these assignments are absolute crap says every professor employed by the texas a&m system the week before spring break everything these students touch spontaneously turns into huge piles of elephant excrement will students be able to pull their grades around will we all survive the actual hangover that is the week following spring break do i honestly care what the answers are not a chance im too lazy for a conclusion im calling it a week feel free to give me a drunken slurred howdy on the beach and ill try to give you a nod without falling on my ass but no promises #sb2k16 -beutel call
1 in the beginning coffee-lovers frequented muldoons and mugwalls 2 they saw the scripted chalkboard menu and the dtr chair and saw that it was good 3 the mugs were in abundance and the intentional conversations filled the skies with joy 4 the children of the bubble enjoyed prosperous times there for many years 5 it would not last soon the years of famine hit and the walls became barren not a mug to be seen 6 the weary and weak of heart migrated to sweet eugenes; a land of miscellaneous knick-knacks donuts and instagram tags 7 there were two different wifi connections and the children of the bubble saw that it was good 8 in the years that followed there was a chasm within the chosen people 9 the temptation of a place called lupas called many to wander 10 lupas contained clean walls and an organization that sweets lacked 11 although food is scarce lupas was a center for the children of the bubble 12 many would travel to lupas and spend their time greeting one another in the name of the machine thus ignoring the lack of wifi connections 13 throughout the chasm the true children of the bubble sought a homeland elsewhere far from the distractions of college station in a place called bryan 14 the true children found a place called harvest 15 they saw the destressed furniture and walls and saw that it was good 16 it is thus the chronology of the coffee shops or aggieland 17 go forth and make disciples of all coffee drinkers that you may instagram your coffee and calligraphy for all the nations to see
with the price of crude oil hovering around $30 per barrel administrative changes are coming to the petroleum engineering department the entire department is being moved from the dwight look college of engineering to the college of liberal arts as their new college aligns much better with the petroleum engineering curriculum and professional prospects the big move comes after a disastrous year for the oil and gas sector with a 61% decrease in operating oil rigs graduating petroleum engineers have had a very difficult time obtaining jobs in an economy where 60 000 texans lost energy jobs in 2015 preliminary surveys from the petroleum engineering department have indicated that more graduating petroleum engineers have applied for graduate programs in business than have obtained full-time positions in the energy sector dr katherine banks dean of the college of engineering said the dwight look college of engineering has always taken pride in our graduates ability to find meaningful employment and petroleum engineering has fallen short in this regard we felt it would be best if pete was moved into a college with the organizational resources to help prepare graduates for a different job market the college of liberal arts has a large network of retail positions waiting for these excited graduates as they will no longer be able to find employment in engineering the move will actually increase the number of math courses needed to fulfill the pete degree plan from one to two off-campus tutoring services are boosting their capacity of phil 240 tutoring sections in anticipation of the influx of pete students who will struggle in logic additionally mays business school has hired multiple administrators to preemptively deal with the increase in transfer applications it doesnt really matter for me because im switching to finance anyways im going to have investment banking firms crawling over themselves to hire me after all my 23 in pete is basically a 40 in any other major said pete sophomore tim stein who insisted on being paid for this comment the biggest change is the amount of writing intensive classes i will be taking theyre so much harder than anybody elses classes when i get upset i just complain and remind myself that im destined to make over $150k annually in a couple years -gingerbredass
if there is one thing your facebook friends care about it is your various accomplishments got an above-average score on that lab practical sounds like the perfect opportunity to harvest some facebook likes! got that internship with that company no one has heard of sing that s**t from the rooftops for all to hear! nice work you! congrats on ________ you! as most students at a&m know engineering majors are the reigning rulers (~80% kings ~20% queens) of the fine art of humble-bragging what most students may be surprised to hear however is that there is a new contender in the ring this week and he is giving dwight look a run for his money this contender is of course fish camp as dozens have taken to social media to parade their counselor acceptance email for all to see in fact when you think about it it is actually pretty selfless for them to toss up a screenshot of that email some of their friends would have never seen it otherwise and dont worry about the kids who didnt make counselor they will only be happy about your post and wont feel bad at all about pouring their soul into an application for nothing while you bask in the glory of your success sure in about a week job acceptance posts will once again reign supreme and may god help us all when 40 this semester!! season rolls around just keep this week in mind the next time you read a facebook post and think who cares or maybe you can just be happy for your friends instead of being a cynical dirtbag whatever -bacon & ags
early this semester a young boy with a jagged scar on his forehead was found living underneath the staircase in a storage closet opposite the flag room in the memorial student center freshman psychology major jon beasley discovered the young boy after a late night of studying in the msc beasley said its pretty rare for me to be on campus this late but im really glad that i was who knows how long this kid would have gone unnoticed beasley found the boy when he heard a loud crashing sound come from the panda express kitchen upon investigating beasley discovered the boy eating orange chicken from leftover boxes he had found in the refrigerator beasley then befriended the boy whose name he learned to be larry totter beasley later learned that totter is an orphan his parents died in a mysterious murder when totter was only a baby totter says his uncle is a professor at texas a&m but didnt want the boy living in his house so he refurbished an unused storage closet into a makeshift bedroom for the boy totter did not want to reveal his uncles identity due to undisclosed reasons larry is an interesting kid hes a little strange honestly theres something quite odd but strangely magnificent about him i cant quite put my finger on it beasley told the mugdown in a recent interview totters origin is unknown but he recently found out that he would be attending a special institution for children like himself when we asked beasley what the school was he had no answer for us as totter only explained it as a foreign and small school we followed up with beasley a few days ago to get an update on totter as he had been at his new school for a few weeks now beasley says totter is doing incredibly well and loves his new school and is a popular guy there apparently his parents were alumni and are very well known at his school and he is living in some sort of legacy beasley even told us that many refer to totter as the chosen one unsure as to what the chosen one really meant we reached out to astrology professor rybill frelawney who has a rather large grasp on all things storybook sounding frelawney is an interesting character but was very knowledgeable in the subject and had an ominous tone when discussing it with us when our correspondent told frelawney about totter she expressed her shock to us there have been many folk tales about a great evil coming and that a special hero would emerge said frelawney after a pause frelawney continued in a prophetic tone there will come a day when the boy will be tested when the evil being returns one must die so that the other may live this is a crucial matter i have no time for more questions said frelawney as she rushed us out of her office quickly and told us to beware for this boy was destined for great things it all seemed very convincing maybe one day we will find out more about larry totter but for now like all of our issues we will ignore them for as long as we can 2 years ago the mugdown snuck into the forbidden section of the cushing memorial library and found an ancient looking piece of parchment paper it read: sully pinky rudder and crow are proud to present: the marooners map its time it was shared with another generation of aggies mischief managed
each spring students at texas a&m have the opportunity to experience a week long competition similar to the hit show the bachelor called paddy murphy the spinoff pits sororities against one another for a chance at love and good publicity the spin-off gets its name from the legend of paddy murphy in which multiple women stepped forward claiming to be his widow in order to claim his estate in a similar manner the sororities at texas a&m will fight one another to claim the prize money awarded to whatever chapter is named ms paddy murphy ruining reputations from the inside out the week is highlighted by drama occurring within each house and between them just like on the bachelor last year joey english was the lucky man given the opportunity to choose which house would be named ms paddy murphy last spring when it came down to the finale i had to pick two winners i couldnt decide which house i loved more he said this years lucky man is jc reynolds who has determined the events the women will compete in this year beginning the week will be a cook off on sunday to show which sorority can prepare the best meal other events will include each sororitys ability to wash the fraternity cars donate gifts to the fraternity and display their own unique personality on wild-card day im most looking forward to friday when teams from the top four chapters will compete against one another physically the ability to easily cheat during the competition has encouraged trash talking in pledge class group messages and confirmed the old saying nobody can better pick apart a sorority girl than a girl from another sorority to many the infighting between sororities and being manipulated into serving a fraternity is all worth the promise of good pr even if it is only known to those involved in greek life
texas a&m university and the student body have faced many problems and controversies in the last year from on-campus concealed carry to recent acts of racism and many are wondering what can be done student senate has been hard at work coming up with the solution that will hopefully help resolve some of these issues aaron mitchell speaker of the senate is very excited about the comprehensive solution the senate has formed and passed of the recent problems brought to light we feel that fish aides is the one that deserves the most attention and we plan on completely reforming this reviled organization by restructuring this freshman leadership organization of 40 students we hope to create positive and lasting change on our campus of 58 000 we know that this is well worth our time and will overall benefit the entire student body senate fish aides was the original flo and therefore the root of all of the senates and the universitys problems because fish aides falls under the student government umbrella they are vaguely in the reach of the senates small and insignificant jurisdiction and power the faides a lowly servant of its powerful senate-led sga master clearly need reform the crucial legislation which will reimagine the flo into a senate internship program passed with a sweeping majority 34-10 with 22 senators not voting including a major cosponsor after ones of meetings and at least a single email exchanged with fish aides leadership aubre dean speaker pro tempore and co-author of the bill explained the origin of the bill senate has a long list of issues that have been brought to our attention we brainstormed what the cause could be and strongly feel that this bill to reform fish aides is the best way to focus our energy by dedicating precious time in our meeting to openly discuss the poor performance and shortcomings of these 18 year olds we really feel like we are serving our constituents well –commons lobbyist and 5k for yell
local college station student dee reynolds has declared to her friends on social media that she is now responsible enough to have a pet of her own her small rapidly constructed student apartment with no yard will be the perfect home for her new best friend as a child in a suburban home with a spacious yard reynolds says she learned everything about owning a pet by watching her parents after browsing on the buy/sell college station facebook page for a rescue reynolds set her heart on a pug named pringles reynolds a junior education major said i dont consider pringles to be a rescue…you could say hes the one who really rescued me after all i registered him online to treat my anxiety which allows me to have a dog in my apartment reynolds made the decision to get a comfort animal after proving to herself that she could handle the responsibility this past semester i pretty much made frozen food every night cooking for myself instead of eating out i also always wash my dishes after theyve soaked for a week of course like most students reynolds is away from home all day staying on campus between her classes to avoid the traffic luckily pringles will have a kennel to stay in all day before his owner comes home unless she leaves to go study or visit northgate reynolds roommates were all surprised when she told them about her decision to get a comfort animal and about her anxiety roommate margo mcpoyle said it works out better than we had anticipated after being stuck alone in a kennel all day pringles gets to stay up all night with dee you can hear pringles barking and dee yelling back almost as if they are talking to one another so cute! pringles unable to attend class with reynolds will still get the full college experience licking up alcohol spilt on the floor experimenting with marijuana in the room with his owner sleep deprivation and poor diet will allow pringles to live the off-campus dream after coping with her anxiety reynolds pledged to her friends on social media that she would bring an end to her struggle with academics a quick visit to the doctors office will give her the much needed adderall to help with her inability to study -netflix & drill
the yell leaders white uniforms were stained red with the blood of innocents today as the 5 for yell block sacrificed a fish to appease the spirit of aggieland before he died jacob smith the sacrificial freshman said he was doing this of his own free will and definitely wasnt being hazed its not hazing smith said its just my turn all the other guys had to go through this when they were fish too and im proud to uphold that legacy as the ceremony began the yell leaders emerged from every corner of academic plaza each holding a torch and a rope made of twelfth man towels the yell leaders bound smith with the towel-ropes in front of the sul ross statue and began performing a hushed eerie version of the locomotive yell at this point a drum major stepped out from behind the statue of sul ross he turned his baton upside down and plunged the tip through smiths chest with a cry of hullabaloo while smith struggled against the towel-ropes that bound him each yell leader candidate knelt down and slurped some blood from smiths sucking chest wound the candidates then joined hands in a circle and whispered caneck caneck as the last vestiges of life fled smiths corpse a spokesman for the office of the commandant of the corps expressed admiration for smiths dedication to the core value of self-sacrifice smith will be personally congratulated at a seance during next months silver taps for questions about the ceremony please contact the texas a&m wiccan club by spilling a drop of blood on the university seal all hail our dark lord cthulag -chophouse sweater burger
this week campus saw the disposable pawns whom we place at the very bottom of the organizational hierarchy: banner holders thousands of them everywhere you look this time of year (legendary february) highlights the inequality of those confined to the indentured servitude that is banner holding it is truly staggering to think of the meaningful collective time invested on banner holding for campaigns alone 6300 hours to put that in perspective below are a plethora of others ways that texas a&m students could be spending their time if none of those options sound appealing you could always spend your time studying or actually focusing on school -5k for yell
its the magical time of year once again: campus election season when students flock to the online polls to cast their vote in support of their favorite candidate to obtain what some perceive as the highest seat in the land the individual that proves him or herself the most popular gets the divine privilege of taking up space at the student body president desk and having their name grace the bottom of countless emails that will ultimately get deleted without being read so who deserves your vote for such an important and influential position stump g poppycock the peoples stump poppycock is without a doubt the most qualified and the most realistic man/inanimate tree stump for the job he promises to not berate students with a single flier facebook notification tee shirt slogan excessive video or even forced campaign title could we say that you all should get peppy for poppycock well sure we could but then wed sound ridiculous wouldnt we highlighting petty involvements in random organizations in order to grub as many votes as possible is also the last thing on poppycocks agenda his involvement throughout college is actually zero because he is well a tree stump but luckily this level of involvement prepares him for the office of spb just as much any tenure in fish aides sga or any other group of 18-22 year olds perhaps his most noble promise is that he will do all that the office allows him to: absolutely nothing poppycock will not make a single empty promise that he would have no real authority to enforce poppycock is the smartest hunk of wood that ive ever met and he is smart enough to know that the real powers that be at texas a&m would never give actual influence to an elected student and is excited to use the title solely as a resume builder so when you log on this thursday and friday to cast your vote write in stump g poppycock the peoples stump nobody is more rooted in tradition spirit and a third popular meaningless buzzword than he is so honored to serve such a humble driven chunk of tree beutel call campaign manager stump g poppycock for sbp
the mugdown presents: guide to the 2016 elections the smell of apple pie is in the air puppies are wagging their tails and baseball is back which can only mean one thing it is time once again for that part of the year when we exercise the one freedom that binds all of us together as americans: choosing not to vote but as a satirical magazine of some repute and some ill-repute it is our duty to pretend to care about politics regardless of whether or not they matter (they dont) so we took the time to lay out the pros and cons for each of this years student body president candidates -the mugdown endorsed by trevor knight
introducing: the first-ever yell leader debate hosted by the mugdown we are pleased to invite you to attend the first-ever yell leader candidate debate hosted by the mugdown! this one-of-a-kind event will allow students to hear dialogue between candidates and interact as our white-swathed hopefuls meet the yell leader candidates hear their platforms and learn what they hope to bring to the position of yell leader! if there is a question you have been dying to know tweet us with #yelldebate if you cannot make it the live event will also be streamed through our youtube channel see you at the debate! the mugdown staff
"since the industrial revolution science technology engineering and math (otherwise known as stem) have been fields almost exclusively dominated by men unfortunately there has been a recent push to insert women into stem environments not wanting to be outdone face majors have now been targeted as needing a more masculine direction fine arts communication and education (to be henceforth known as face) is counteracting steminisim by aggressively recruiting males into fields where they were formerly underrepresented to boost testosterone levels in face male high schoolers are now being recruited using strategic initiatives and advertisements as the ultimate man in your face kanye west was a natural selection to encourage young men to join the face industry bill theriot a chemical engineering professor says that he worries that affirmative action is having negative effects there is a reason that men drive the hard skill industries at texas a&m especially we need to be very careful if we plan to have 25 000 engineers by the year 2025 we have to account for all of the women who will be lured in by affirmative action plans and then drop due to the difficult course load many others have shared in theriots concern the theory is that women will be recruited to the universitys stem fields in abundance starting out as engineers scientists and mathematicians but inevitably transferring to face fields ralph hoegg university recruiter says that he is unsure of the results of this initiative weve crunched the numbers realized the trends and decided to take some action said hoegg if im being completely honest we all know that men should stay in stem and women should stay in face but we have to take proactive measures to ensure diversity and gender equality…no matter how pointless it may be the men in face initiative is scheduled to begin next fall although initially met with concern experts are fairly positive that putting men in face wont be nearly as meaningless as putting women in stem we all know deep down that women are really only meant for one thing: face ""i mean we could say politically correct that look doesn't matter but the way her face looks obviously matters"" - donald trump -5k for yell"
tuesday it was announced that cecille sorio will be the 2016-2017 fightin texas aggie corps commander as you might be able to tell by her name and/or picture she is indeed a female if you are unaware alyssa michalke is currently serving as the corps commander and was the first female to serve as this role in texas a&ms history if you have not connected the dots yet that means that for the second year in a row the corps will be led by a woman many are concerned that this trend may be setting a dangerous gender precedent for years to come roger harpock a junior chemical engineering major also in outfit z-2 is very concerned for the future of the corps the whole school is going crazy theres a female corps commander a girl running for yell leader and one running for student body president next thing you know even our secret societies will allow women i just dont want this to become a pattern though the corps has had 139 male corps commanders in its history in the last two years 100% of the corps commanders have been female a very scary statistic for those who coin the phrase good bull this is not just a corps issue; it affects everyone when you give a mouse a cookie ya know harpock says women are going to start thinking that it is okay for them to take on new roles in our university- and that just because it happens once it is going to keep happening -5k for yell congratulations cecille sorio! we wish you luck in the coming year
with the introduction of maggies in 1999 texas a&m created a new segment in the stuact market the maggies held a monopoly on membership for over a decade until the formation of the aggie belles in 2012 competition in the industry was minor and both saw growth a shortage of supply in sorority membership caused demand to flood the womens organizations sector gathering into collectives these young women formed the organizations that appeared overnight on banners in rudder plaza and at the msc open house this substantial growth created the increasingly bullish market we are seeing today the issue of demand for membership went unresolved and market growth continued into 2015 with the creation of more womens organizations hitting the double digits during fall 2015 as the womens organizations remembered what had occurred to them during sorority recruitment they began to cut large numbers of applicants in turn the dropped recruits went on to form the 2016-era organizations giving birth to a vicious cycle of rejection and formation this cycle has created an exponential rise in the number of womens organizations as their growth goes unchecked by the office of student activities frank reynolds a senior finance major offered advice for those wanting to enter the market reynolds said by the year 2018 we expect the amount of organizations in the market to break 50 the unsustainable growth ultimately will lead to a market crash sometime around 2020 this market crash would default any membership in these organizations regardless of the services they provide to the bcs area it will be as if these members are a part of nothing since so many women on campus will be a member in one -netflix & drill
the aggie bootchasers founded by women looking to create a sisterhood between those who claim to support the corps of cadets the most recently made their debut on campus founder and president of bootchasers jessica harwood started the organization after realizing how hard it was to date a member of the corps people always talk about how difficult the corps is but whats even worse is being a corps girlfriend i knew that other girls suffered the same issues as i do so i thought it would be a good idea to start an organization where we could support one another we are also open to women seeking a boyfriend in the corps harwood said bootchasers will provide a support system for women coping with unattractive haircuts trouble with finding their boyfriend because they all look the same hearing the same stories about his buddies and referring to anything interesting as hard aggie bootchasers is not just about sisterhood they pride themselves on their philanthropy boots for beaus which raises money to buy boots for upcoming seniors even though we are a social organization we want to set ourselves apart from the other womens organizations on campus by making philanthropy our focus said abigail heathers philanthropy chair i mean whats the point of dating a corps guy if he doesnt have a pair of boots this fall bootchasers plans to expand to hosting mixers with different corps outfits such as going to football games and midnight yell with senior cadets unlike other organizations who try to hide their true intentions with fake ideals about sisterhood and service we have no shame in living up to our motto– ‘ring by spring said ritual chair jan barkingsdale we encourage all girls to apply to aggie bootchasers because in the end we are here at a&m to get two rings we stand out from the other organizations because our goal isnt to party and make t-shirts; it is to find a husband -lil event
in classic non-traditional format the two-percenters on campus have voraciously declared a safe-space on campus for them to not practice any of a&ms widely-permeating traditions we are tired of getting our feelings hurt by all of those outrageous traditions the majority of the student body participate in said a 2%er on the topic we have the right to not get our feelings hurt by those with other opinions with the ever-increasing pc wave disseminating throughout the country it is no doubt that these students who refuse to practice a&m traditions would suddenly feel the need to declare that their voices be heard leading the protest for the 2%ers would be eric entitled a disgruntled senior who has finally had enough frankly the 12th man is unfair to the opposing team why should we exercise that which does not erect equality on the pedestal it so deserves thats why we always leave the games early that and standing up the whole time is a workout says eric and those stupid rings! who even buys that anymore as more and more 2%ers come out of the shadows a stark contrast between tradition-practicing students and the 2%ers of tomorrow is beginning to unfold the era of new army is upon us identified by hello and footprints on the msc grass i dont even like reveille one student boldly said and every time i hear a ‘howdy i die a little inside no one deserves that it is clear that these students have been holding onto their feelings for far too long according to entitled the 2%er safe-space is being held simultaneously at the msc rudder tower wcl zachary and even kyle field the parameters of the safe-space include taking off your fta rings and refraining from the use of traditional terms such as howdy or whoop aaron mitchell speaker of the student senate has released the following statement regarding the safe-space 2%er movement: i dont want to lose my job just do what they want crack open a brew and let this all blow over while it is still unclear how many 2%ers are still lurking in the shadows of tradition-submissiveness these outstanding decrees of injustice and inequality by the tradition-practicing-portions of the student body will clearly not be tolerated by the minority group if we cant make this campus tolerable then why are we even here -chasing farms
mugdown lowdown: what is love in the spirit of valentines day we wanted to help uncover the real meaning of love based on your actual verbatim search results over the last two years this is the best we can come up with: sexy aggies sexy nurse smoking cigarettes sexy short white ratchet dress sexy slut lace up boots snapchat sexy sexy towel pics wood carving sexy nurse sexy man in towel photos sexy nurse wearing boots pictures sexy ratchet slut pictures topless photos of 2014 topless on campus nude lady corps of cadets texas a&m man shows his urinal part with braveness stripper halloween costumes 2015 hung ball piercings boot chaser flirty text for ex boy freak hijab wearing muslim girls with spex nightbabecom my homeerotic doujinshi under tree gay couples deep kiss with gud mrng hot guys tamu instagram girls hijab only back side hd images girl piss topless on campus sexy 14 reveille topless photos best sexy sexy in tights homoerotic fan fiction special valentines day search result: how to screw over your ex how to revenge a side chick hot to mug off your ex that one person who changes your mood from zero to hundred she told me no worries i promise to get us back photo how can we revile wheather pregnet or not rohypnol revenge on ex girlfriend -you people
well we hope you are proud of yourselves you depraved collection of inglorious nymphomaniacs our intern quit after losing all hope in humanity from reading the depths of degeneracy on campus enjoy your own deplorable display of bizarre deviance in the dorms with that there is only one more thing to say: happy valentines day! i know a dorm is probably the most boring answer but there is some sort of delicious irony in having gay sex in a corps dorm i dont wanna go into detail but if you ever find a used condom on the underside of a table in a private study room in evans youre welcome -you people
aggies will soon have a new way to meet in january texas a&m information technology announced the development of an updated version of howdy texas a&ms official online portal used for accessing grades ecampus transcripts and more texas a&m it is offering students an opportunity to test out the beta version of the new howdy on the landing page before upgrading all student accounts this summer one of the most discussed features of new howdy is the new burningdesire application a dating feature designed specifically for aggies in an exclusive interview myron walden associate director of it infrastructure operations told the mugdown when developing ways to upgrade the howdy online experience we took a thorough look at what college students are seeking in their online interaction one thing that kept being mentioned was online dating apps such as tinder and grindr and we finally said ‘lets look into this tamu it conducted dozens of focus groups and trials and is feeling confident that aggies will find the feature a great addition to howdy walden says that the interface will come naturally to anyone who has ever used tinder; users will be able to give an x or a thumbs-up to other users if two users give each other a gig ‘em they will be matched and will be able to talk through a built-in chat feature some of the features that walden says sets it apart from other dating websites and apps include: exclusive membership to current texas a&m students no more blinns or bots! option to easily send your class schedule in the chat box easily include your involvement in registered student organizations in your bio ability to set a wide range of filters such as class year corps membership and more unlock achievement badges for your profile such as distinguished student and senior boots proven dependability of the howdy servers thanks to texas a&m it this could be the year you wont spend valentines day alone try out the new feature for yourself at http://newhowdytamuedu -north by northgate
bryan salinger a local idiot believes that racism is a thing of the past no one is really racist anymore salinger said surprising this reporter by having the brain capacity to speak sure theres been some controversy or whatever recently police shooting people or something but those guys were just doing their jobs being a policeman is dangerous and in their defense minorities are scary approaching trump-like levels of ass-hattery salinger continued to open his mouth and spew forth a rotten stream of pathetic rude and insensitive bile there is no institutional racism at this institution or anywhere else the blackhole of human decency said we dont even have enough minorities at a&m to be racist toward if we wanted to except for the athletes i guess but nobody hates them salinger who will now be referred to as ostrich because hes hiding from the real world by sticking his head into his own ass claimed that african-americans have it easy if i was a minority id be set for life ostrich said somehow not collapsing under the weight of his own ignorance they have so many scholarships and opportunities every time i fill out a form or apply for an internship it asks me to say if im a minority black people have so much more privilege and preferential treatment i guess the tradeoff of having all those privileges is you would have to hear black jokes all the time but so what black jokes are hilarious- if anything thats a plus ostrich said some more things but this reporter was already feeling nauseated from having to transcribe the words of a man who even if he was two times smarter would still be dumber than this punchline -chophouse sweater burger
david luwin a sophomore international studies major was rudely awoken from his midday nap wednesday by a texas a&m student yelling racial insults at a group of high schoolers luwin said he was so enraged that he almost said something sure campus is a social place luwin said but its just rude to be that loud people are so selfish and inconsiderate that guy shouldve been more respectful of those napping and studying around him luwin went on to say that he couldnt imagine anything more indecent than being woken up from a nap but luwin was not the only one affected by the student yelling racial slurs the tour group itself had to stop forcing donald delmar who was riding his bike to slow down and be late for class people need to be reminded that their actions affect others delmar said i had to slow my bike down so much that i nearly had to put a foot on the ground its great that these high schoolers want an education or whatever but they shouldnt disrupt peoples lives you know imagine how disenfranchised i could have been if i missed class i would be way behind all the other students delmar said he was so upset about having to slow down that he considered confronting the man instead delmar continued to class and posted a rant on yik yak because at the time of the incident he was too busy for confrontation other students present during the incident similarly remained silent instead choosing to throw irritated glances towards the commotion an anonymous white christian male student and friend of the shouter remarked that he was sure the incident was a joke so he gave an unconvincing chuckle and looked away luwin believes the noise issue will be resolved appropriately someone else will probably reprimand that guy for yelling luwin said honestly i couldnt go do anything my hammock was way too comfortable the mugdown staff …fight maroon and white white white!
this wednesday february 10 the texas a&m career center is putting on the liberal arts career fair in the rudder exhibition hall this event hosts some of the most prestigious employers of liberal arts degree holders and countless students are all but guaranteed positions that not only pay well but provide opportunities to really make a difference as a whole surely people will line up at the door just for the chance to shove their resumes into the hands of recruiters representing each of the following: -american diabetes association -college station police department -e & j gallo winery -houston isd -checkers corner store -san antonio department of sanitation -starbucks coffee (non-corporate positions) -trugreen lawn care -allen honda -little caesars -hypnotik hair salon -american dishwashers union -ethiopian department of state -whataburger on domink dr -aarrow sign spinners -nahh (national association of the homeless and hungry) -department of public safety -howdy cab taxi service -mickeys sliders food truck -maidpro college station across campus the sound of printers printing off resumes as fast as mechanically possible dominates any other with companies this amazing how could any hard working student not score a sustainable and rewarding career -beutel call
the efforts of the local government the business student council have been unable to curb the organized cartels monopolizing the trade of test answers within mays business school the council has outsourced the responsibility to the freshman business initiative or fbi for their expertise in apprehending those who have been circulating contraband within mays for years the cartels los fellows ppa and the trip programme have vied for control over the ever-present answer trade known as the mays exchange the cartels have absolute authority in the distribution of calculator programs quiz answers and test keys amongst the student population in a vicious cycle the buyers of the contraband rely on the gpa high they get in order to be accepted into the cartels supplying them in an exclusive interview with the mugdown an accounting major dealing for ppa (who well call dennis) was able to provide insight into why the cartels thrive in a community where aggies do not lie cheat steal or tolerate those who do dennis said in a community where its all about who you know what chance do normal students have against business honors the 1% when looking for a job or internship we join the cartels to find work after school but we need upwards of a 35 to be initiated and that forces us to buy their product the fbi has been using evidence from the office of the registrar and grade distribution analysis to uncover classes where the cheating is most prevalent classes such as acct 327 finc 341 and mgmt 211 are well known amongst those in mays for being much harder than anything in engineering however the large number of as and bs in those classes signal an anomaly and are sure signs of cheating the special agent leading the investigation arthur anderson said all the students on this campus understand that courses in mays are much more difficult than in engineering due to the lack of a curve any course average above a 25 gpr is going to be placed under investigation the fbi plans to use the high impact skills learned from courses such as business law and organizational behavior to confront the issue special agent anderson hopes to win the loudder medal of excellence for his work hopefully leading to his acceptance into the investment banking program – netflix and drilll
with the announcement of: corps of cadets: the musical something long feared by the corps has come to fruition: non-reg students have copied their khaki counterparts to reap the benefits of those who serve in uniform as keepers of the spirit the musical and the translation of corps-lingo has provided many with all of the knowledge they would need to become a member of the 2% of students answering the call at first the impersonators went unnoticed as most cadets thought this was another change to the corps that bent to the will of overly-attached mothers who run the corps to others it solved the issue of a 3 000-member corps as the ongoing quad renovation lacks any plans for expansion mac macdonald a junior kinesiology major said once i learned that all it took to pass as a cadet was to complain about the corps all the time it was easy! they are more upset about what the corps does than the students having to live in the commons with them i didnt even have to get a haircut! macdonald disappeared into a crowd of actual corps upperclassmen his hair shorter than most others guilty of stealing corps valor have found the enjoyment of many corps pastimes such as sleeping through class judgement-free and getting a table to themselves in any dining facility besides duncan without any fear of losing their first deck tickets to football games many cadets have simply ignored those posing amongst their ranks some have even encouraged it as they participate more than real cadets do charlie kelly a senior history major said i couldnt care less about the non-regs wearing our corps brass for the past few years brass has just been given to the freshman anyways honestly im impressed most of these imposters even show up to morning pt! they have no idea half of the upperclassmen in the corps cant even manage that the leadership of the corps of cadets has remained silent on the issue and has counted on those within the corps to report and expose the frauds avoiding discussion of the issue has for once turned out in favor for the corps with the numerous students committing stolen valor the goal of 3 000 plus cadets has been reached without having to acquire the necessary housing the issue of an estimated $135 million in renovations that never included the ability to house 3 000 cadets will now be avoided -netflix and drill
part 1: personal information fill out your name and contact information dont stress you can do it try to exaggerate your extracurricular involvement as much as possible hopefully you were in a flo if you were in a flo you are in it could also really help to mention your sorority mens organization or your history as a camp counselor if you dont put anything they will think you are a friendless loser so just make something up if you have actually done nothing in the past year if you have been a counselor before and did a bad job just dont mention your previous camp in your camp history and apply to be an inexperienced counselor again that way nobody goes looking for your evaluations and sees your awful reviews and as a bonus you wont actually have any responsibility part 2: select your availability remember to lie about your availability and select every session regardless of if you have summer school or not this will increase your chance of getting selected! if you want to have the fun of fish camp but dont want to attend any of the sunday developmental programs or other trainings apply for pick up! then cross your fingers and hope that someone gets really sick or doesnt make grades so you can swoop in just in time to pierce your eyebrow and get to lakeview part 3: essay responses be sure to make yourself stand out by talking about how passionate you are this is the one thing you have over every other person applying to be a fish camp counselor even though the person reading your application will know that you are only applying to make counselor friends and get some cool apparel it is best if you pretend that you are applying to help the incoming freshmen you get an extra 5 points for every time you use the phrase universally accepting environment as a way to express your willingness to help the campers if you mention iceberry blue in a funny way in the middle of one of your essays they will know you are already in on counselor jokes and it will automatically make them like you more if you are still struggling and find yourself in a time crunch just fill in this helpful mad lib and submit it! it will look basically the same as everyone elses application and put you on an even playing field when i first arrived at reed arena for my first day of camp i was extremely (adjective) i was surrounded by college students with (color) hair wearing (weird article of clothing) and i didnt know what to make of it i was walked in to reed accompanied by a guy holding a stick with a (noun) duct taped to the top that he kept waving around (adverb) i (past tense action verb) into a large group of (adjective) incoming freshmen and started to learn the yells after arriving at lakeview i was still feeling a little bit (adjective) but there were several counselors who went out of their way to talk to me and that made me feel so (adjective) over time i learned more about texas a&m and our great traditions and and it filled my heart with (emotion) i understand the importance of fish camp and would love to be a part of this amazing group of people -gigsaw puzzle
in case you may have missed it on facebook and twitter were producing corps of cadets: the musical this spring! looking for a great date idea with your boot-chaser or a ‘guys night out with your ‘ol lady look no further than corps of cadets: the musical a dazzling toe-tapping extravaganza you are sure to be humming the tunes of ‘khaki love makes me so blue and ‘i cogitated a cogitation as you leave rudder auditorium written by cadet robert bannon 16 for the enjoyment of cadets and non-regs alike proceeds will benefit aggie rings for veterans and the lone survivor foundation help us raise money awareness and appreciation for our veterans! make it to our 2pm show or our 7pm final production on sunday may 1st or come to both! marvel in the talent of the actors laugh with cadets and non regs and most importantly support our veterans! tickets are currently on sale online or in person at the msc box office! how to stay in the loop: join the facebook event and invite your friends! follow @corpsmusical on twitter hope to see you all on may 1st! any questions regarding the musical can be directed to [email protected]
in the biggest announcement since the lead by example halftime card trick president young has announced that all incoming freshmen will serve one mandatory year in the corps of cadets response across campus has been a mixture of excitement extreme relief and frightening rage brigadier general joe ramirez commandant of the corps of cadets when questioned about the origin of this new policy said i think its fantastic i had nothing to do with it surprised the hell out of me but i like it i may finally have the largest corps in history now and show those try-hards from west point whats up! alexandra morgan high school senior and soon-to-be psychology major from dallas is less than thrilled i just really dont want to spend a whole year wearing that uniform i mean yeah i go to a private school now and we have to wear uniforms but all khaki is totes gross! alexandra previously had plans to rush but now must figure out a way to do so secretly as everyone is telling her the corps and greek life dont mix it is unclear what current members of the greek community think as neither tfm nor the odyssey have published an article on the topic fish rodriguez of squadron 12 was more concerned with housing than anything i mean yeah ill have more fish to smoke but where are they gonna put everyone we dont have enough room as it is! an employee of the office of admissions who wishes to remain anonymous delivered this shocking revelation: the incoming freshman class has actually gotten bigger do you remember the college of engineerings goal of 25 thousand students by the year 2025 were actually going to meet that next year this employee thinks they know why too we are pretty sure the corps just taught the university what magic tricks they must use to recruit i mean it makes sense how else does an organization even current members dont seem to like keep getting bigger logistics regarding housing feeding and training of the vast number of incoming fish has not been released stand by for further announcements from the office of the president -corpsespondant ps: buy your tickets now to the first run of corps of cadets: the musical!
as students begin to accept that the spring semester is indeed in full swing the aggie schedule is moving at full speed on tuesday night aggies once again gathered in academic plaza to honor those students who have passed away through the sacred and somber tradition of silver taps for some silver taps is a special time to demonstrate the unity and support of the student body for fellow members of the aggie family for others silver taps is something you do with your flo or camp once or twice or just something that you do because ben stuart said you should it is widely agreed that attending one is sufficient and if youve been to one youve been to them all others who claim to see the importance of the event but still do not attend are able to come up with a myriad of excuses for missing the sacred ceremony many students find themselves unmotivated to stand in the cold for forty-five minutes on a tuesday night who can blame anyone for having tired legs after standing up for a straight 7 hours of banner holding by the msc organizational pr is after all a much easier and more convenient way to express your support for texas a&m compared to silver taps other examples for staying home instead of going to silver taps have much stronger bases i just have a lot to study thats all first round of exams start tomorrow and im already way behind dedicated students say these are often the same diligent students found spending uninterrupted hours scrolling through instagram or streaming making a murderer while in the library on tuesday afternoons its just too late by the time silver taps rolls around im too tired to make my way to campus and stand around for an hour in the middle of the night the over-involved explain this is the typical answer of a student who at least weekly has no problem running two miles at midnight after their committee meeting gets out especially late some have blamed the twenty-one gun salute for being too loud or too jarring others have claimed the ceremony is boring what am i supposed to even think about while all thats happening the precious fragility of life the love unity and sorrow that we as members of the same student body should show each other in such a gentle time for mourning no thanks thats too much for me cant stay focused for that long it is true that being there for your fellow students and the families of those grieving the loss of a young aggie means facing the staggering discomfort of standing in the cold for less than an hour once every month but–as difficult as that may be–isnt it worth it -bacon & ags howdy: silver taps will be held at 10:30pm in academic plaza please take the time to attend to show respect and support for the families that are grieving this is what makes texas a&m unique lets keep it that way
december graduate already complaining about new army the mugdown sat down with recent graduate chip bucky reynolds for a q&a session to discuss the changing culture at texas a&m mugdown: so how have things changed at a&m since you graduated a few weeks ago reynolds: everythings different these damn kids dont barely even go to the same school as i did when i was a freshman things were simpler kyle field werent some big fancy brick temple dedicated to the god of marketing it was a cold siberian prison made out of nothing but concrete and bat s**t m: well you have to expect that buildings will be changed over time how about the students have they changed r: the kids these days have it easy way back in my day we didnt have any of the fancy-pants luxuries they have now hell i saw an attractive girl in a corps uniform the other day wasnt none of that in my day- we hazed out any girl that didnt have at least as much chest hair as the rest of us how are cadets these days supposed to bond with their buddies through the shared uncomfortable experience of repressed homoeroticism if theres damn girls hanging around m: so you think students have started taking some aspects of campus life for granted in the time since you graduated a few weeks ago r: of course i do if you dont believe me just go over to northgate! its downright unnatural! shouldnt ever be anything but beer served at the chicken walking through the cold to the dry bean for shots builds character and now theres these frat boys hanging around all the time theyre ruining the chicken! wearing their sperrys and neon polo shirts ive even seen some of ‘em ‘pop their collars the nerve! taint right m: what are some things that you got to experience in college that current students will not r: way back in my college days things were better there was actually grass left in a few places on campus we still played tu in football and you could call a girl a ‘broad unironically but now im hearing about all these changes that dont sit well with me the administration is trying to change the university seal thats outrageous! back in my day we didnt even know there was a seal and dont even get me started on this 25×25 thing im not sure what it is but i dont like it cant trust something thats got a math problem for a name m: the mugdown is a pretty new organization on campus how do you feel about us r: your name is stupid no one mugs down anymore the kids wont get the reference besides we dont need no students hanging around complaining and being overly critical ‘bout everything anyone tries to do thats what parents and ol ags like me are for when i was in school if we wanted to complain about something we did it the way an aggie ought to: drunkenly in a taco bell parking lot m: well you clearly have strong feelings about the direction the school is headed do you have any ideas for solutions to the problems you see r: youre clearly a pale-ass new-army chimp aggies dont find solutions thats what makes us aggies we just build bigger buildings to house the problems we sit stubbornly in our mistakes until everyone else decides were right if we want this university to be better we need to go backwards: be only an agricultural and mechanical school again get rid of girls and all that liberal hippy crap force little non-reg b*****s to harden up and join the corps but only ol ags like me whove been out in the harsh real world for a long time are willing to say it the mugdown would like to thank chip bucky reynolds for letting us interview him we also want to congratulate chip on his recent graduation with a degree in philosophy and a minor in theatre we wish him the best of luck as he attends graduate school for art history next year at the university of texas -chophouse sweater burger
the bandwagon aggies guide to basketball there you have it ags the texas a&m mens basketball team finally cracked (then uncracked) the top 5 in this weeks ap and coaches poll marking their highest position in school history this means one thing and one thing only: we are a basketball school now and kentucky can kiss our asses just like many other students you are probably wondering how this happened so quickly and how one might become a follower without looking like a bandwagon fan even though odds are good that you probably are one we are here to break down aggie basketball as simply as we can what do you wear to a basketball game we always #whiteoutreed but why white no one knows ladies you cannot wear cowboy boots and a sundress to a basketball game this is not football season players to know yells the reed rowdies are being touted as one of this years best student sections in all of college basketball you will find students heavily concentrated behind both baskets accompanied by the yell leaders technically every student is a member of the reed rowdies but there is an actual organization with officers who are in charge of getting the students ready for the next big game they sell shirts on campus and are in charge of promoting the hell out of games free throw yells everyone stays absolutely quiet and still then they blurt out noises and flail their arms around just before the player takes his shot each student waves their arms around like they are pretending to do the backstroke while wailing woooaaahhh! wooooaahhh! dont forget about holding up your acme® brick sign and shouting brick! repeatedly and in the ear of the person next to you one of the more popular yells starts with holding ones hands off to one side of their body and wiggling their fingers quickly switching their hands to the other side just before the shot theres also something about newspapers our expert doesnt even know this one misc yells loud shouting of the word ball! at random happens when the opposing team is looking for a player to inbound the ball to when an opposing player fouls out shouting left! or right! in unison with the players footsteps as he slinks to the bench helps the uneducated opponent make his short journey then when he sits down shouting–you guessed it–sit down! the crowd favorite requires letting out a series of profanities and exasperated noises under ones breath after danuel house takes and misses yet another three point shot when any of the players shoot (and make) a three pointer both ends of the court jump in the air following the yell leaders command dont worry about jumping at the wrong time – the less in-unison the better cmon act like youve been there anything else noteworthy nothing says family friendly fun like a coordinated booty-shaking and hair-flipping from a gang of college girls in velvet yoga pants and tiny tops at every break in the basketball action the yell leaders are still present but even steven lanzs dreamy smile is no match for hips that dont lie basketball fans have been given the luxury of sitting down during timeouts thats right in fact you could stay seated the entire time if youd like just like our football counterpart we are not good at winning when we are at our best leading up to this saturdays matchup against the iowa state cyclones the aggies were undefeated in the sec and ranked #5 in the nation until they were handed their first loss from the arkansas razorbacks on wednesday welcome to the bandwagon ags and dont forget that reed arena is indeed the same place where you go to breakaway on tuesdays maybe that explains the hang out app -marco ovo queso polo & e king trill ps: thanks to rcb05 for the feature image the intern really loves his stuff… never shuts up about him really
texas a&m university is offering an exciting new study abroad program located at and around sugarloaf mountain the program will be 14 weeks long and will provide students with the opportunity to earn course credit while immersing themselves in a unique culture garth yannick a sophomore biology major is thrilled at the opportunity to do something so adventurous and challenging ive seen so many pictures of my friends at this really beautiful and scenic spot; it looks like such a beautiful part of the world yannick said i knew that someday i would have to travel there and experience it for myself sugarloafs exotic culture and rugged terrain can seem quite daunting but bethany mathel study abroad director says that the program is possible for every single student at texas a&m the 500 ft mountain is rich with natural and historic artifacts just last week one of my students found a fossilized flannel a coffee cup and a breakaway backpack tag we were able to date them to a couple days prior when a bible study came to have coffee at sunrise truly fascinating that people do that the program will have a record low cost allowing many students to experience the wonder of this incredible feat of natural creation the suggested packing list is included here for the convenience of our readers: a 70 liter external backpack 3 gallons of water per person per day made-ready meals a camera with a minimum 1 terabyte of memory for all of the pictures that will be taken a gopro for those adventurous wide angle photos a backup camera because sugarloaf photographs extremely well (extra credit awarded if it is a polaroid) a zero degree sleeping back for the altitude change a machete a siphon coffee maker -5k for yell
dear mugdown i need some advice when martin luther king jr day came around this year i wanted to celebrate with a cookout as i was thinking about who i could invite over i realized my guest list had a certain lack of diversity to it to put it bluntly i realized i dont have any black friends i promise it isnt intentional! it is just the way things have worked out for me so far in college so here is my question: is it more racist for me to not have any black friends or to befriend someone just because theyre black on one hand i could just keep doing what im doing but i am a sophomore already so you would think id have at least one black person in my clique right its like kind of racist to not even have a black friend right i feel like it just looks kind of bad if i only associate with white people even if i do it unintentionally at the same time i dont know how to just befriend a stranger no matter their skin color almost everyone i know started out as a friend of a friend do i just ask them if they want to hang out but not like a date would they know what im doing does this happen to black people a lot this time of year theres a black guy in one of my classes so maybe i can try to sit near him next class while people are still figuring out seating so it seems natural i hope this didnt come off as offensive but i just really want to make sure im doing the right thing here i would appreciate any advice you have to offer and also any recommendations for black people i can befriend (or not befriend) thanks grey area
texas a&m will now permit students to use notes cheat sheets textbooks or any other form of assistance during tests the new rule which took effect on january 1 is in accordance with a texas senate bill that requires universities to allow students to carry test answers with them anywhere on campus daryl jutridge a long-time supporter of concealed answer carry claimed the bill is a step in the right direction it is about time the state allowed us to exercise our personal freedoms daryl said this bill will only change things for the better people who dont support the bill will not even notice because test answers have to be concealed no one will know who has them the widespread availability of test answers has been a highly debated subject in recent years multiple instances of school cheatings have prompted some people to demand that the use of test answers be further restricted or at least that a pre-test background check be administered to see if students have a history of academic or professional dishonesty samuel blaird a state senator and sponsor of the concealed answer carry bill defended the bill by saying it levels the playing field people who want to cheat on tests arent going to let rules stop them blaird said they will find a way to get around the rules if we make cheating illegal then only criminals get to cheat that is not fair to the honest students if the rules dont work then why have them jamie connors a supporter of test control said the bill will only make matters worse we cant just give out test answers to everyone and assume they are qualified connors said not everyone will be responsible with that power making powerful things widely available will not make them less powerful chophouse sweater burger
dont worry there are no the force awakens spoilers ahead! we promise! were not that meanstar wars episode xii: the empire sharps back cast of characters chancellor palpetine → emperor sharp yes yes let the hate flow through you i can feel your anger it gives you focus… makes you stronger remember back to your early teachings ‘all who gain power are afraid to lose it i am the senate!what else can we say a chancellor turned emperor he never really seemed like a good guy but then he really sealed the deal that he was a bad one stormtroopers → corps of cadets do you know whats going on… maybe its another drill good at following orders bad at critical thinking you cant tell these guys apart they stay in groups and somehow theyre always on a mission han solo → johnny manziel look your worshipfulness lets get one thing straight i take orders from just one person: me i expect to be well paid im in it for the money a loose cannon scoundrel who works for himself and decides to leave early and just take the money instead of supporting his friends likes to hang out with his pals in bars he always seems to have a fat guy on his ass about money and being a professional chewbacca → mike evans grrrwaaaaaarggggh follows his partner-in-crime wherever he goes mostly known for just being a good sidekick but has done some pretty cool things himself anakin → darth vader = kyle allen youre going to need me on this one master you were the chosen one! probably the best example of a fall to the dark side how could such a cute boy become hated by so many gives special meaning to the word interceptor (theres one for the real star wars nerds) he was destined to fix everything but nothing corrupts quite like a little fear can maybe we all put a little too much faith in him jar jar binks → student senate speaker aaron mitchell wesa got a grand [new] army thats why you no liking us meesa thinks yoosa should follow me now okeeday this goofy character think he is helping and every once in awhile he accidentally does something right yoda → rodney hill when 900 years old you reach… look as good you will not this sagacious teacher has been around for eons and has mastered the force also hes tenured so he doesnt have to give a single f**k about what he says jedi council → board of regents if youre not with me then youre my enemy this group of elders is out of touch with society they think they are the good guys but tend to make bad decisions theyre supposed to be on our side but it sure doesnt seem like it death star → kyle field any attack made by the rebels against this station would be a useless gesture no matter what technical data they have obtained this station is now the ultimate power in the universe! i suggest we use it! this place is always under construction by an empire that only cares about destroying other organizations things go poorly when the rebels come to visit obi wan → head coach kevin sumlin if you strike me down i shall become more powerful than you can ever imagine i felt a great disturbance in the force as if millions of voices suddenly cried out in terror and were suddenly silenced a lot of people see him as the hero people tend to think hes pretty good at what he does and he has the respect of his peers when the lights shining on you though its easy for others to see your mistakes like that time his apprentice betrayed him and doomed the entire galaxy mistake count dooku → offensive coach jake spavital i have good news for you my lord war has begun paid off and lured astray by his evil masters promises audiences are surprised to find that he has been intentionally sabotaging things this whole time to set his own team up for failure ps: president young looks eerily similar to count dooku but spav just makes a better bad guy princess leia → miss reveille i dont know who you are or where you came from but from now on youll do as i tell you okay a strong independent and capable woman this princess knows what she wants – and thats the end to tyranny she is beautiful and she is powerful and she may or may not have had a cocaine dependency in the 80s sand people → walton residents the sand people are easily startled but they will soon be back and in greater number extremely territorial angry and detested by locals they walk in single-file to hide their numbers stay away if you can its not like you would want to get close anyway ewoks → bonfire these furry bipeds inhabit woody areas and use primitive technology in order to sustain themselves feel free to join them in one of their many cultural events these include giving elaborate nonsensical nicknames and seeing how long you can stand the stench of an unwashed bandana around your neck mos eisley → northgate you will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy we must be cautious you will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy the rebel alliance → the mugdown the rebel alliance is too well equipped; theyre more dangerous than you realize yeah we went there -bacon & ags and the mugdown staff
in a recent move that shocked much of aggieland kyler murray has announced his transfer to the nationally acclaimed online college the university of phoenix according to sources close to the erstwhile starter murray has accepted a fantasy football scholarship offer after the transfer murray will retain three years of ncaa eligibility during his time at a&m kyler was known for his backup quarterback role and ability to gain enormous hype before crushing the 12th mans hopes and dreams in light of murrays transfer third-string quarterback jake hubenak made the following statement: kyler will be missed but his interceptions will not be im looking forward to competing with connor mcqueen for the starting position when we face louisville im just happy that now well only be wasting one 5-star recruit -mugdown staff kyle allen to transfer to the university of phoenix online in a recent move that shocked much of aggieland kyle allen has announced his transfer to the nationally acclaimed online college the university of phoenix according to sources close to the erstwhile starter allen has accepted a fantasy football scholarship offer after the transfer allen will retain one year of ncaa eligibility during his time at a&m kyle was known for his baby face and ability to gain enormous hype before crushing the 12th mans hopes and dreams in light of allens transfer third-string quarterback jake hubenak made the following statement: kyle will be missed but his pick sixes will not be im looking forward to competing with kyler for the starting position when we face louisville im just happy that now well only be wasting one 5-star recruit -ross-tafarian volunteer
this post originally appeared on: {forever chosen actively choosing} thanks bethany! #bthofinals ‘twas the night before finals and all through the college all students refreshed their brains with their forgotten knowledge the students were sleepy but none touched their beds while all of their classes blurred in their heads out in the plaza all good ags left pennies most dressed in pjs but some dressed for semis all around you could see students were pacing dreading the cumulative tests that theyd soon be facing some needed study breaks and set down their books their dance parties in evans drew many unfriendly looks starbucks ran low on coffee and had to make more while we pulled all-nighters on the annex fourth floor i pondered the thought of just winging my tests but to get into med school i needed to do my best i exitted netflix which forced me to open a book but the caffeine was too strong and all our hands shook we stared at our notes and tried hard to study but it was so hard to do on an empty tummy i need some ice cream i declared my id in hand so we headed to sbisa to burn through our meal plan when what to our bloodshot red eyes should appear but a senior declaring the end was quite near his spirit was careless his manner was mellow we all gawked at his ring which glowed a light yellow on quizlet! on cliff notes! on last years exams! check ecampus and howdy and last minute crams! his message received we all pulled out our phones and started to listen to spotifys study zone motivation returned and the cramming began our spirits were up after all were the 12th man one last messanger came to us that night and upon hearing her encouragement we knew wed be alright beat the hell outta your classes and just do your best happy finals to all and to all a good test! {forever chosen actively choosing} bethany for more content from bethany go to: {forever chosen actively choosing}
gold coats we encourage all applicants we just might not want you mark your calendars professional schmoozers because gold coats applications are coming out january 31 2016 founded upon the three basic pillars of excellence funds and flattery gold coats is soon to be recognized as the premiere organization for networking and tailored jackets the selection process will be more rigorous than anything aggie professionals have ever encountered before first a written application answering soul-piercing questions will be provided to ‘all your uin will not be required at the top but your entire name- first middle and last this process will be completely monitored from day one to ensure equality you are your reputation so own it said senior founder of gold coats inee mofunds this has become a sort of mantra of ours it is nice to be a top tier organization from our founding it is quite rare actually excellence- in the fit of their coat funds- to support buying coats and finally flattery- toward those supporting their love of this piece of cloth and one anothers ambitious endeavors after an intensely monitored application a whopping seventeen interviews will be emailed out of the expected 600 applicants the interview will be conducted at rudder auditorium the applicant will have a two-hour scenario and question-based interview on stage before a panel of judges who inform them on the spot if they are accepted into this prestigious realm or not the applicant is expected for 15 minutes of the audition interview to recite their entire resume as well as provide their coat measurements if the individual is selected the judges will toss a candy bar at him or her with a golden ticket inside inee mofunds later went on to say when i received my golden ticket from myself as a founder i felt like a kid who had just had candy for the first time i figured this idea would be highly original and innovative compared to typical acceptance letters with confetti after all we are raising the bar one blessed individual will be selected this application season good luck to all interested -metta world pizza

this camp was in-tents they totally had the wildest mixers such a face camp this camp followed policy so well completely dry so many perfect partz! this camp was kept up continuity for the longest the best bonfire without a doubt just a bunch of divas definitely not uae this camp hangs out so much! this camp was full of members of the corps of cadets…a lot of rvs too literally swimming in ice berry blue! -5k for yell
get the tissues ready and brace yourself for a heartwarming win so epic it will restore your faith in humanity! life was good for joshua alders an 8 year-old door holder at clark elementary from his games on the hopscotch court to his grades in phonics class josh was well-regarded by his peers but when he was tragically diagnosed with a terminal illness his life was turned upside down! fortunately a slow and sad death couldnt slow josh down! his parents were right there by his side to show him love and support we asked little josh what his last wish was before he endured the grueling 14 months of treatment said liza alders joshs mother we were so proud when he said he wanted to go to college! you heard right! joshs last wish was to be a college student for a day! how thoughtful! lucky for josh texas a&m got wind of the story and decided to get involved by granting his wish! he was flown from his hometown of wilmington delaware to college station texas to experience life as a student he rode the bus to class took notes in a calculus lecture and even got an mip when the police busted a party he was invited to! you go josh! but that isnt all! even some faculty joined in to help josh with his special day one professor gave him a fake test back that had a failing grade forcing josh to plan a fake meeting with an advisor on q-dropping that class fun! josh said he couldnt decide if his favorite part of the day was when ecampus crashed or when he found out his data from lab was totally wrong and he would have to start over after joshs special day came to an end texas a&m was sad to see him go so they gave him literally the sweetest goodie bag ever josh left college station with a bundle of expensive textbooks he will never need and an insurmountable glut of crippling student debt! sweet! so considerate of texas a&m to help out all the feels! -bacon & ags
6) top floor of harrington tower the bathrooms here are clean and the aesthetics are pleasing plus you get that familiar rush from defecating at an altitude! not a lot of people use these bathrooms–especially at night–so they are perfect for those late-night-away-from-home craps! flush away! 5) sbisa these bathrooms are nicely renovated but thats not even the best part the great thing about taking a dump in sbisa is that there is a $10 cover charge now thats a premium poop! 4) the msc hear us out: the bathrooms are always really clean and they make you feel like youre going potty at a business conference these bathrooms can be pretty crowded sometimes so they are not ideal for those who suffer from stage fright pooping here means you can listen to kanm faintly playing over the sound system which is the only time anyone ever actually listens to kanm 3) university golf course the restrooms in the clubhouse are probably okay they are usually not crowded we would bet anyway theres a cluster of trees behind the number 11 green which we strongly recommend there is something so refreshing about returning to your roots and dropping a deuce on the dewy freshly cut grass ahh nature 2) h2o fountain two words: personal bidet 1) the train tracks oh come on dont be a wuss! its fun! the railroad is a great place for going number 2 when you are in a rush although it gets crowded around here sometimes dont let the regulars frighten you away: this is a top-notch spot and one of aggielands greatest secrets well there it is our definitive list! we are lucky to go to a school that offers such a diverse selection of restroom locations have any suggestions we would love to hear what you think! send your favorite places to poop to [email protected] -bacon & ags
one of the greatest dangers of any semester coming to a close is the silent predator secondhand stress when others refuse to face their responsibilities and the stress-prone absorb everyones anxiety the student body must take all possible precautions as this toxic permeating killer can be inhaled all around campus when you pass the starbucks in the msc and see people chatting instead of studying it hits people enjoying their lives at a time like this preposterous you feel it in academic plaza when you see the hammocking squad but this potent epidemic is deadliest within your own friend groups where one person is somehow unphased by the importance of an 89 versus a 90 the atmosphere is tense and weighted down by this silence my roommate leslie is so nonchalant about her six upcoming finals so i am selflessly bearing all the stress of her life-defining exams as a service to her said sophomore tina smith i just dont understand how she can be so calm her room is a mess and she hasnt seen her drivers license since thanksgiving the secondhand stress from her lifestyle is weighing on me and i need help the student services center offers an array of remedies to this overwhelming discomfort the most effective way to combat secondhand stress according to the fda is to completely avoid all of your friends until the 17th of december when secondhand stress levels are expected to decline rapidly in the college station area but college station weather is fickle maybe just get some new friends who work hard in all aspects of life only the few-the brave- can effectively bear the stress of those who simply do not care or who have completely given up -metta world pizza
pols 207 – state and local government dr pepper whataburger and local government that was a list of things that should be important to every texan especially those who need three more credit hours to meet their government/political science requirement anth 201 – introduction to anthropology the study of people talk about #deep this class will take you on a journey around the world as well as fulfill your social and behavioral sciences requirement and it counts as an icd cha-ching! math 141 – business mathematics i boooo hisssss! we know we hate math too! unfortunately you have to take two math classes to graduate ugh! better sit next to someone smart-looking hist 105 – history of the united states you took us history in grade school and again in high school your college experience wont be complete without it! meaning you wont graduate if you dont take this class kine 199 – beginner yoga better take it just to see what all the fuss is about and to make sure you have fulfilled your required physical activity requirement astr 101 – basic astronomy despite its name theres nothing basic about this class! the texas higher education coordinating board has approved this life and physical sciences class for your university core curriculum out of this world! econ 203 – intro to macroeconomics this class is all about interest can it keep yours learn how to make some money while having a little fun! also you get the amazing opportunity to spend money because this course is required for a balanced undergraduate degree engl 104 – composition and rhetoric if you didnt test out of this course we highly recommend it and so does the university! the composition of your degree plan better include this vital class -war hymnal
1 after extensive brainstorming and literally tens of minutes of googling we put together a list of all the reasons to hate clickbait you will never guess what we did next; we wrote this article about it 2 the worst thing about clickbait articles is their misleading titles the headline promises a short list but it always ends up being a long article full of useless introductions weird metaphors and obviously pandering references to cute animals before you can cry havoc and read about the release of the top 10 dogs of war youre stuck sifting through an entire kennel of sad little battle-puppies in their adorable puppy armor 3 there is nothing worse than clickbait with a confusing list the headline says 10 reasons but there are only six actual reasons and the rest are all introductory paragraphs or cheap gimmicks how dumb do clickbait writers think you are apparently dumb enough to believe that just because there are numbers along the side of an article it is a list 4 the most awful thing about clickbait is the advertisements they are everywhere completely covering an article the same way sprint® completely covers the nation with cell service its like clickbait writers get extra points for using advertisements that make articles difficult to read 5 the most bad thing ever about clickbait is the use of sloppy informal first-person writing i hate that! its like i get it i dont want to be that grammar-stickler-correcter guy but at some point it is literally just way too much for real bad writing makes the article seem like a bar-hopping frat boy: its shallow its trying too hard to be cool and its something that anyone can do 6 yes you will 7 the worst thing about clickbait is its overuse of extreme exaggeration if an article claims that every single item in a list is the worst or best thing ever then 8 it stops being believable those 90s cartoons were pretty great sure but they were not my best childhood memory of all time that honor goes to the time in 9 fourth grade when i called my teacher mrs talbot mrs cow-butt and the whole class laughed so hard that they briefly forgot how much they all hated me because i didnt ever shower 10 the most annoying thing of all about clickbait is that it works whether you try to tough it out and enjoy the messy excuse for entertainment or you immediately navigate away from the site it counts as a page view page views mean advertising and advertising means money that is the end of this article and it doesnt matter if you liked it or even if you read all of it because we got paid anyway thanks & click em -chophouse sweater burger
fan post by ross-tafarian volunteer with help from 5k for yell
the moment you realize finals week is here 2 you try to start studying you get distracted 4 you get really distracted 5 you eat everything in sight 6 you realize you havent actually done anything 7 you literally just cant even 8 cue the mental breakdown 9 you think you might even have a fever 10 you are seriously just so done 11 you send out an sos 12 you even try going to office hours 13 at this point you will sleep literally anywhere 14 like actually anywhere 15 but its finally time to take the test 16 omg totes nervous waiting as the prof passes out the exam 17 you look around everyone seems to know what theyre doing 18 its over for better or worse you are free 19 time to head home for the holidays -5k for yell
this is one sexy box it can handle a lot of meat who wouldnt want to get inside this box 2) thats a nice handful of breast maybe even two handfuls plump yet firm this breast meat is begging you to bury your face in it 3) this homegrown box needs some good old fashioned lovin this box came from the laynes next door so it seems innocent but you know how dirty it really is 4) the fingers in this box look great we bet the legs and thighs would look even better 5) nothing is sexier than a bird in lingerie -chophouse sweater burger
does the sound of taps and spurs give you butterflies does the boots and khaki combo just throw you in a tizzy do you have your heart set on a cadet but just dont know how to interact with him dont worry not many people do read this guide to gain an insiders perspective on how to steal the heart of your khaki crusader tip 1 speaking of khaki if his go to line is say girl whats your favorite shade of khaki you know you have a winner giggle a little and he is yours tip 2 remember that he is more afraid of you than you are of him sit next to him in class and let him fall asleep on your shoulder you will have some time to take some totes presh selfies to cherish together and he will be so grateful for you not being weird about it that he will probably ask you to the next game and midnight yell if youre lucky tip 3 impress him with your knowledge of corps slang talk about how your roommate is a total blue falcon and how they boof you on the reg make sure he knows he is a motivator and that you think his hair looks squared away he will be really impressed if you refer to your nap time as bagging being deployed to my-rack or rebagistan or saying that the bag sniper got you tip 4 if you are really having trouble getting him to talk ask him about his uniform and what all the little medals mean corps guys love talking about their uniforms tip 5 in order to gain his trust insult fraternities as often as possible cadets are naturally distrustful of anything that is not the corps so this will let him know that you are on his side tip 6 as often as possible try to get him to meet you in the msc especially after 6:30 pm or on weekends it gives him another excuse to show off his nifty uniform tip 7 actually join the corps nothing is more attractive to a cadet than someone who understands what the corps is like from a firsthand experience and now he wont be burdened with having to talk about something other than the corps the main thing to remember is to never remind him that there are aspects of aggie life and tradition that have nothing to do with the corps cadets love being grouped into one short-haired stereotype and tend to shut down whenever they cant rely on simply being in the corps to command respect happy chasing! -the corpsespondent
youve studied long enough reward yourself the top 10 top 10 top 10 list 7 essential tips for boot chasers 5 sexiest laynes chicken finger boxes finals week as told by miss rev and shia labeouf the humble brag chart: does your org matter top 10 reasons clickbait is the worst (you wont believe #6) the 8 classes you literally have to take see what almost made this aggie drop out! 6 best places to poop on campus (no 2 will inspire you) this boy was diagnosed with a terminal illness you wont believe what this university did next! top 10 fish camps this year mystery bonus article come back for more of our tempting content this week! -mugdown staff ps we bet you wont share your favorite articles scaredy cats
we all have busy lives to keep up with and we want our entertainment quick just give us the facts and get out this desire for quick entertainment has given rise to the popularity of the top 10 list brief and numbered for easy consumption top 10 lists are a favorite among people of all ages so weve done the thinkable and compiled a list of the top 10 best top 10 lists the alternet top 10 list of top 10 listswhen it comes to top 10 articles alternet is number 1… of 10 http://wwwalternetorg/story/30157/the_ten_best_top-ten_lists the 2013 new york times top 10 top 10 lists this list has all the best lists http://6thfloorblogsnytimescom/2013/12/31/the-top-10-top-10-lists-of-2013/_r=0 the av clubs list of the top 10 david letterman top 10 lists is a decaphiles dream http://wwwavclubcom/article/home-office-10-david-letterman-top-ten-lists-219375 the american film institutes list of the top 10 movies in 10 different genres this list scores a 10/10 in our book http://wwwaficom/10top10/ adweek also made a top 10 list of the top 10 david letterman lists because they apparently dont read the av club but thats ok we think their attempt is tenable http://wwwadweekcom/news/television/are-these-david-lettermans-10-best-top-10-lists-164523 youtuber jacksfilmss comedic top 10 list of top 10 lists from anime to one direction no subject is safe from his probing tentacles https:///izfxjalcemk the guardians top 10 list of the top 10 lists about the late show causes david letterman to make his third appearance on our list and with an appearance as handsome as his we arent complaining that man is attractive in fact hes a perfect 10 http://wwwtheguardiancom/tv-and-radio/2015/may/19/david-letterman-retires-best-top-10-lists this list of the 10 most popular top 10 lists on listverse is so good that its like christmas came early so break out the tinsel we know that joke was weak this list is long and were running low on 10 puns here http://listversecom/2009/07/01/top-10-most-popular-lists-ever/ a list of 10 websites that make top 10 lists tennis racket http://imgurcom/a/fsoic the best top 10 list of all time: this one full of meta humor and riddled with puns that never dip in quality this list is one you cant miss because you already read it last but not least! -chophouse sweater burger
what started out as a night to remember quickly turned into a night you wish you could forget tom gauguin turned down his best friend simon rileys proposal to a casual night in of gaming and pizza with an ill-conceived long-winded meandering narrative i mean what kind of ‘friend would do that at least have the decency to come up with a coherent excuse said riley riley confirmed that gauguins excuse contained bits and pieces of previously told stories famous works of literature and even parts of several religious texts if he doesnt have the decency to just say no then i think im seriously gonna have to reconsider this friendship when questioned gauguin stood by his prior statement and all of its extravagance -plug down for watt
-5k for yell
aggie moms club and evans library have teamed up to offer a new service to stressed out students during finals while puppy-petting and free massages have been offered in past semesters evans will now begin offering a rent-a-mom service this new service will give students the chance to rent a member of the aggie moms club for a designated amount of time the library staff said they hope this new program will allow students to better prepare for finals by providing a comforting maternal figure to help them stay on task as well as combat stress services offered by the aggie moms include cooking a meal with at least one non-microwaved food item completing unpleasant household chores and buying groceries it is being marketed as all the benefits of having a mother with none of the nagging questions some students are already excitedly planning their time with their aggie mom junior engineering major tom wiess said he intends on having his aggie mom tuck him into bed ive already picked out a book for her to read to me before i go sleep: mechanics of materials most students are prepared to take advantage of the opportunity to have a temporary parental figure around while others are more skeptical i mean im sure theyre all fine but i dont want one thats going to lecture me about the dangers of only taking febreze showers during finals week said taylor lawsend sophomore finance major i mean will i get a refund if i end up with a dysfunctional temporary mother the program was originally suggested by evans library after numerous run-ins with distraught students i was doing my rounds when i heard whimpering coming from one of the study rooms i looked inside and was surprised to see a senior huddled in the corner asking for his ‘mama said janina siebert library specialist it is the librarys goal to prevent more incidents like this and to remind students that its okay to need your mom or dad every now and then the program will begin wednesday december 2 with requests forms at the evans askus desk -a midsummer nights yell
aggie business student bryan cooper admitted to the mugdown on monday that he has been concealing his work ethic from friends for years perpetuating the idea that he does not work for his perfect gpa cooper who has gone to great lengths to keep the hours he spends studying daily a secret reported that most students have come to accept that he gets all as without even trying it started out with simply downplaying how prepared i felt for an exam when friends asked said cooper who is often referred to as the worst kind of person by friends once we would get our scores back and i saw the frustration and jealousy of others who thought they had studied more and gotten worse grades i wondered how i could take it to the next level cooper who has been known to ask everyone around him how they did on a test as it gets passed back went on to proudly outline the system he has set up to ensure he looks like a slacker most mornings i rush back to my apartment after class and sneak into my room through a window then ill go to the living room and tell all my roommates that i slept through my classes again afterward i probably spend the afternoon watching tv shows or movies with my friends while secretly reading a digital textbook or calculus tutorial on my phone cooper said ive had to start looking up plot summaries of whatever were watching though because sometimes they get suspicious when i cant remember anything about what i supposedly just watched cooper spends most evenings in evans library studying and working on homework for several hours when asked if being seen in the library would compromise his image cooper admitted that his presence in such a location would likely seem surprising to those who know him as a lazy piece of crap who has never worked a day in his life however cooper points out that most students just watch netflix or scroll through buzzfeed articles in the library anyways so as long as he can switch tabs away from homework whenever spotted he is in the clear to reinforce his image cooper who is regularly called the perfect example of why i want to drop out of college has occasionally stumbled into lectures and exams while legitimately intoxicated he recalls that classmates scoffed and made comments that he would definitely fail do you have any idea how hard it is to be drunk and still get an a on a test youve got to study like at least twice as much cooper said sometimes my roommates ask me to do recreational drugs with them the night before a test and i know that only someone who actually cares about their grades would turn that down so naturally i have to participate cooper expressed frustration that his classes were becoming more challenging with each semester and that he was finding it increasingly difficult to hide his hard work yeah this lying definitely requires a lot of work but when you see the look on someones face after you tell them you aced the test that they were sure you must have failed… thats what makes it all worth it
students all across campus are turning to their syllabi searching for a glimmer of hope rick thornbody freshman engineering major and battle-hardened student said college has changed him we laughed at the syllabus back then thornbody said with a harrowing look in his eyes those were happier days freshly cooked meals were common and the stream of alcohol was a happy one we thought college would be like that forever but all of that disappeared when grades invaded now were all stuck in this collegiate wasteland with nothing but a stagnant pool of tear-stained liquor and irradiated microwaved leftovers to satiate us thornbody spends his weekdays on northgate visiting and comforting the crestfallen victims of academia who have resorted to day drinking thornbody said he does his best to rally the shell-shocked bar patrons and encourage the downtrodden but despite the boost in spirits from the recent thanksgiving armistice these students know that soon they will have to return to the frontlines the syllabus is the only real hope we have left thornbody said as he extinguished his cigar stub and to think we once scoffed at our would-be savior all we can do now is look at the syllabus and pray pray to whatever gods are listening for a good curve or a dropped lowest test grade without that i fear for our survival the troops may not make it through the harsh winter -chophouse sweater burger
for all those ags out there who have unfortunately fallen behind on their ring by spring timetable the holiday season can be a difficult time to cope with as a 16th generation aggie your family is heartbroken every time you fail to return with your perfectly paired redass soulmate fortunately for all of you loners this tragedy is finally over the fightin texas aggie corps of cadets recently announced that they will be offering new escort services not only will the cadets provide a safe escort to accompany students during late night strolls they will now offer an escort to accompany students home for the holidays with a wide variety of options you are certain to find your perfect match- or at least convince your parents and hometown ex that you have the fish with promise these guys just started out but what they lack in brass they make up for in potential by choosing them now you make an investment that pays off in the future their hair is scarce but their dreams are bountiful the intellectual band kid your father is sure to love this choice being academically focused this cadet has an impressive vocabulary and a gpa that will make up for (almost) any amount of social awkwardness beau with boots every aggie dreams to date a cadet in boots after four years of dedication and commitment you know they will be ready for a serious relationship and a saber arch beneath the century tree by spring thy sacred leader of yells to know and be known by a leader of yells is the highest honor to even meet a leader of yells is divine and undeserved if you are graced by their aggie spirit cloaked in all white you are to fangirl and repent on the spot for all of the times you have even thought about yelling boo at a football game after the holiday season general ramirez will determine if expanding the program to include formal dates wedding escorts and valentines sweethearts will be a viable option for the cadets call 605-475-6961 for more information and reserve your corps escort today! return with honor (and your aggie soulmate) -5k for yell
one aggie parent is taking an early retirement after a shooter on texas a&ms campus killed four and injured three others kevin guttman father of deceased student jerod guttman is looking forward to spending the money that would have otherwise gone to his sons education guttman said his sons death was like winning the lottery except unlike winning the lottery there was a pretty high likelihood of this actually occurring school shootings are just one of those common things guttman said theyre accidents nobodys fault its not like theres anything that can be done to reduce the odds of them happening karen hammer mother of one of the other victims agrees with guttman every era has its plague whether its smallpox or cholera and i guess school shootings is ours said hammer im sure someday itll just run its course and disappear the solution is to get more students guns the passage of texas senate bill 11 which requires universities to allow the concealed carry of firearms on campus is a great deal for local gun stores and could even bring about similar savings for other parents with additional casualties with the average cost for one year of public college education in texas being around $7 000 the combination of gun sales and parents saving on tuition could mean that senate bill 11 will really stimulate the texas economy in response to the implementation of senate bill 11 texas a&m will continue to not offer any gun safety classes but will offer an array of economics and money-management classes im just glad this happened before spring semester came around guttman said i did not want to have to shell out the money for an aggie ring have you seen the prices for those things theyre murder chophouse sweater burger *texas a&m has been fortunate not to experience the kind of tragedy that our nation faces on a seemingly regular basis as a work of satire the mugdown wants to encourage discussion and solutions to keep this type of tragedy from occurring in the future
speaker of the student senate aaron mitchell announced a new bill wednesday to keep campus safe in light of the texas state senate and surrounding controversy the campus cary bill will keep all students grounded in conservative values and protect us from infringements on our personal liberties said mitchell a personal cary for every student is the best way i know how to reduce liberal bias and in cases of self defense it really packs a wollup! who needs a devil on your shoulder when youve got a cary in your holster cary cheshire doesnt disapprove of this message friends enjoying the safety of their own campus cary mates sharing a laugh after class with their campus cary these girls are always safe thanks to their campus cary how did we get by before campus cary -commons lobbyist
this weekend many parents students and sorority girls who do not want to get fined will take their seats in rudder auditorium to cheer on their loved ones as they participate in this years installment of dance for money chi omegas most popular philanthropy event the event itself for those who dont eat sleep and breathe sorority is an epic dance competition between pairs of men and womens organizations each pair chooses a theme and is judged based on their creativity originality and execution amongst other requirements these other requirements however have many participants and spectators up in arms this years pairs are required to go beyond their normal dance routines earning points for t-shirt sales social media likes under the table donations to chi o and even fake proposals many participating members have expressed strong feelings both for and against the event and its requirements a member of one army who wishes to remain anonymous confided in the mugdown saying i seriously hate dancing but i have been checking my twitter constantly to see which engagement ring my girlfriend poses with well we arent actually dating yet but once i know which ring to get i think i will be ready to ask her on a date thank goodness for dance for money! some organizations are less cheerful about the massive event and the time commitment that comes with it changes are already in the works for coming semesters and it has been agreed throughout the panhellenic world as well as with many non-greek organizations that it is a better use of both time and money if organizations simply donated large sums of money to chi o upfront and members worked it off by getting real jobs that allow them to not only participate in the real world economy but gain valuable skills for the post-graduate life it has been proposed that members could possibly gain marketable experience by earning money through working at a job then donating their earnings directly to charity as opposed to being forced to stand outside for hours unpaid asking for other peoples money in fact simple math easily proves that if the time spent by the organizations combined hours spent banner holding dance practicing t-shirt selling and social media posting was spent at a minimum wage job dance for money would be able to raise over five times as much money for charity delta gamma has begun the first push for a new dance for money strategy and in exchange for an allotment of tickets and t-shirts will begin writing a sizable check to the host sorority at the start of each semester the motion is currently pending chi o approval kappa delta member linley coleman explained her support for delta gammas decision to the mugdown saying it just makes sense you know everyones money goes to them anyways might as well get it out of the way as soon as we can it would be a shame if the best performance lost because they didnt sell enough t-shirts multiple chi o delegates were contacted for comments all of whom have declined -e king trill
jason sheffield said he was having a bad day until he saw a tour group on campus i had just gotten a notification from my bank saying i was overdrawn sheffield said plus i hadnt slept in like 21 hours i think i failed my biology midterm and i was in that weird stage of early day-drunk hangover where you feel stomach-drunk-sick and headache-anger-sick at the same time but then i saw this crowd of high school kids running around and i thought ‘it could be worse i could be those chumps -chophouse sweater burger
on a campus with 50 000 undergraduate students it can be difficult to know exactly where students fit in many student leaders understand that they are better than the other students on campus but it can be hard to distinguish the leaders from the uninvolved and unimportant an important students reputation can be severely damaged by engaging with any regular old student that has no power and that is a risk that a&ms elite are simply unwilling to take it has recently been brought to our attention that the class of 2016 has formed a groupme by the name of ska ‘16 or seniors kick a** in order for top seniors to recognize which other seniors are worthy of interacting with the groupme has more than 150 members all of whom seem to be connected through some kind of invisible commonality they use this groupme to share information send ska selfies sell sports passes plan hangouts that never happen and compile ska songs of the week these extremely important conversations can only be had among the most elite students at texas a&m and if the wrong person gets their hands on ska songs of the week this invisible hierarchy of students will crumble ska ‘16 members monitor the integrity of the group by adding and removing approximately 20 students per day after extensive research we have a breakdown of the top campus organizations represented in ska ‘16 it seems that the majority of chi o fish aides and abbott has been added to this groupme and any member of those organizations that is not in ska ‘16 should find out what they did to lose the respect of their peers if any student is not involved in any organizations on campus but would like to be considered as part of this group dont worry! one summer spent at pine cove sky ranch or even t bar m will increase your chances significantly probably not ska involvement breakdown: christian camp counselors: 45 big event: 34 chi omega: 32 young life: 31 abbott family leadership conference: 29 fish aides: 28 bca: 18 amc: 16 msc fish: 15 gilbert leadership conference: 11 student taken care of after adding someone from flare to the groupme with the class of 2016 mvps all contained in one massive groupme it is easier to identify the groups that make up the a&m bubble ska ‘16 serves to connect those who are not actually connected by anything and bring them together in one exclusive group to send memes and gossip about campus -gigsaw puzzle
tuesday morning malik heath a junior economics major and aggie spirit bus driver packed a record 118 students two guide dogs seven visitors and three texas a&m university athletes™ onto his bus he is scheduled to receive an award from transportation services for this remarkable feat heath typically drives the route 6 12th man bus a popular mode of transportation for avoiding the 12 minutes of walking it takes to get to wehner high his stop at the msc drew a sizeable crowd a challenge most bus drivers would shy away from heath though came up with a unique method of jamming patrons into the vehicle he credits the push and shove technique he learned in his training tenured bus driver and senior rpts major adriana li told the mugdown before the award ceremony we all learn the basics: ask people to take their backpacks off tell them to get into two lines sound impatient the usual but this… this is unprecedented student accounts of the record-setting ride suggest a break from the typical backpack removal and two-line approach heath called on couples and close friends to sit on one anothers laps he had students remove and leave behind their backpacks before ever getting on the bus and placed patrons individually into three lines i cant take all the credit heath said in an interview the bus driver ahead of me left as the break between classes began i had no other options his venture took 15 minutes delaying only 75 percent of the riders another impressive feat transportation services plans to award heath for his ability to maintain the timeliness and order for which aggie spirit buses are so well-known at time of press transportation services announced a plan to implement the heath method for off campus routes beginning with route 12 where they will cut down to only two buses –corpus escort
college station tx– president michael young sent the following letter to governor greg abbott monday to inform him that texas a&m will no longer be accepting refugee transfer students for fear that we cannot fully vet them the letter leaked by an informant in the presidents office indicates that the university has experienced trouble with transfer students in the past not supporting tradition and devaluing degrees click here for a copy of the letter released by the mugdown
in accordance with a decision by the texas legislature concealed carry has become universally accepted at texas a&m university ushering in a golden age of safety and prosperity once it was wisely pointed out that guns actually save lives and are not tools designed for the express purpose of killing the vote was unanimously in favor of arming everyone texas a&m with its infallible trust in people to always be good and never want to hurt each other has brought about the impossible: utopia with a campus of 50 000 completely law-abiding citizens and the inability of any non-student to enter the 5 200 acre campus both faculty and students can walk around campus with peace of mind knowing that no one would ever use their gun irresponsibly i cant believe that the whole country is not already doing this said sydney crimpleton one of the many students now completely immune to any sort of gun violence i know that not everybody who wants to hurt me deserves to be murdered and that criminals are still human beings but now at least the criminals will be too scared to try anything just because someone is desperate enough to resort to crime does not mean they are desperate enough to risk their life now that campus carry is a law the playing field is even now everyone can kill anyone everything has gone off without a hitch said jacob fasbender the leader of the campus carry implementation task force we have plans to tackle every other issue plaguing our campus in a similar way: drugs cheating fake ids access to the nuclear reactor apparently if you just make extremely dangerous things easily available to everybody then they are not dangerous anymore the only downside to this return to the traditional wild west method of peacekeeping is the layoff of several tamu police officers now that everyone can protect themselves we are out of a job former officer ronald wesson stated officer leroy smith added i never thought i would see the day that we would actually solve crime but it turns out it was simple all along i expect the entire force will be gone soon i doubt a student would accidentally shoot someone or get angry and shoot someone innocent twenty-somethings are known to have complete control of themselves at all times and even if tempers flare both parties have a gun rendering their anger moot -chophouse sweater burger
despite a decision passed in the texas legislature concealed carry has been banished from texas a&m university completely ushering in a golden age of safety and prosperity once it was wisely pointed out that guns only have the potential to hurt people and are not tools with any redeeming qualities the vote was unanimously in favor of disarmament texas a&m with its infallible trust in people to always be good and never need to defend themselves has brought about the impossible: utopia with a campus of 50 000 completely law abiding citizens and the inability of any non-student to enter the 5 200 acre campus both faculty and students can walk around campus with peace of mind knowing that for the first time nobody has the potential to do them harm i cant believe that the whole country is not already doing this said sydney crimpleton one of the many students now completely immune to any sort of gun violence i know that not everybody who carried a concealed weapon was a murderer but now at least the criminals arent allowed to have them either now that it is a law everyone has to listen even the criminals everything has gone off without a hitch said jacob fasbender the leader of the campus carry implementation task force we have plans to tackle every other issue plaguing our campus in a similar way if we make a rule about it the problem fixes itself! drugs violence cheating heartbreak hunger sadness boredom turns out if you make something bad against the rules it doesnt hurt anybody anymore the only downside to this change to a progressive new age method of peacekeeping is the layoff of several tamu police officers now that the risk of danger is gone were out of a job! former officer ronald wesson stated officer leroy smith added i never thought i would see the day that we would actually solve crime but it turns out it was simple all along i expect the entire force will be gone soon but now that nobody is armed i guess that if someone did bring a gun intending harm the students would be in serious trouble but shoot that is impossible its against the rules you know -beutel call
when it rains in college station it pours with the midseason decline of aggie football the tears of a&m fans align with the seasonal monsoons in b/cs the inadequate draining on campus causes puddles and small rivers to form creating swamps in certain areas this poses a unique problem for corps seniors handcrafted leather boots have traditionally been one of the few perks of being a cadet since their inception the boots have been manufactured at holicks a local business for over 100 years in order to meet the changing atmosphere and feedback from senior cadets a new tradition has been forged on friday the commandant brigadier general joe ramirez posted on facebook a detailed post that will usher in a new era of cadet footwear to justify this change in tradition general ramirez stated for the past years we have had countless cadets ruin their boots due to the bad weather conditions that frequent this campus year round to combat these conditions we will be adopting a new style of boot for our seniors beginning this spring all seniors will wear hunter rain boots year round hunter boots ltd will be able to provide cadets with a variety of colors this will allow greater diversity and individuality amongst the corps and fill campus with a rainbow of colored boot/khaki ensembles the style of boot will remain the same for every senior to ensure that a degree of uniformity still exists amongst their ranks the switch of footwear also targets the corps goal of stronger ties with the greek community – demonstrating a desire to share fashion and values in addition the corps is exploring plans to replace their current trench coats with monogrammed charles river jackets will leonard a senior food science major said i wholeheartedly agree with the decision of the commandant and the direction the corps is moving towards the practicality and style are an unbeatable combination leonard abruptly left pumpkin spice latte in hand after seeing a group of gamma phis walk by in hunter boots he chased after them saying something about a ring by spring and first deck tickets – come and bake it and netflix & drill
freshman general studies student jenn dole has no personality sarah chandlers a researcher in the college of psychology confirmed the news earlier this week to the casual observer ms dole seems like anyone else chandlers said but under scrutiny her lack of personality is obvious ms dole exhibits very obvious symptoms; she agrees with anyone about anything the only clothes she owns are comfort colors and we were an hour late starting our testing because she is so generic that we mistook her for part of a wall dole scored a zero on the myers-briggs type indicator personality test a test which is not even scored numerically there were a few times that we thought ms dole might actually have a personality chandlers said we heard her say she likes all kinds of music and she hates the word ‘moist however after further analysis we realized those are not original opinions these opinions are a result of absorbing the trends and most common interests of those around her doles condition makes her a valuable candidate for many campus organizations commandant joe ramirez has offered to pay doles tuition if she joins the corps of cadets claiming she is the ideal cadet dole has also been approached by multiple sororities fish camp the aggie conservatives class councils the student government association carpool and each of the more than 40 texas a&m womens organizations in a recent facebook post-tweet combo former yell leader roy may said that dole has a bright future as a campus leader because she exemplifies the most important aggie value: conformity jenn dole embodies the spirit of aggieland may wrote she respects our schools military heritage by abandoning her individuality completely jenn is a true member of the aggie family she would never try to change anything or demonstrate creativity the mugdown was able to reach dole for comment but she had nothing interesting to say -chophouse sweater burger
-5k for yell
mugdown lowdown: how to spend $4 billion last week president young announced a new plan to raise $4 billion over the next five years for world-changing projects after the university spent the first million dollars on a large card stunt at kyle field they reached out to the mugdown for new ideas to help the administration find ways to spend all that cash we put $4 billion into perspective *not to scale this is a satirical organization not a statistics company people* -marco ovo queso polo and commons lobbyist
texas state legislators recently passed a bill requiring state universities to implement policies allowing concealed carry of firearms on their campuses some viewed the decision positively as a defense of individual rights and deterrent to crime while others expressed concerns that the decision will only increase danger and tarnish the learning environment here are some arguments for and against allowing concealed carry on the texas a&m campus pros of concealed carry: …its better to be hurt by someone you know accidentally than by a stranger on purpose – dwight schrute dont have to return underwear with built in gun holsters anymore can finally remind professors you might be currently armed while discussing grades without fearing repercussions everyone who buys a gun always knows proper upkeep for the weapon and how to operate it safely opens market for new tastefully colored handguns that will look great next to pepper spray canisters on everyones keychains that punk from chemistry lab will definitely think twice before being a dick to you now can fulfill childhood dream of telling university police you already took care of it by the time they rush to a crime scene how else will dave find the self-confidence that only comes from having a weapon on him at all times consistent reports from upd on twitter of stolen bikes and computers have gotten mundane and boring; tweets could benefit from the excitement of a stolen gun faith in state politics restored knowing that this law was definitely passed to reflect the genuine interests of college students and not to make a political statement cons of concealed carry: years spent training in martial arts is now a waste lost an essential barrier for keeping deranged shooters from being able to bring their guns with them onto campus exercising concealed carry off campus wont be as special anymore will miss hearing the grumblings of conservatives about infringing on their 2nd amendment rights potential shooters typically prefer targeting areas where the victims might be able to fight back bringing other weapons like knives on campus wont have the shock value it once had would really rather not feel indebted to that jerk scott if he ends up saving your life allowing self defense is pretty unnecessary considering law enforcement are well known for prompt response times the shooter will probably only be halfway through his super villain speech when the cops show up and apprehend him before he can hurt anyone thrill of having to break the law when bringing guns to campus just wont be the same anymore handguns just dont look as good on key chains as pepper spray canisters
the mugdown solves overcrowding texas a&m university currently has over 59 000 students enrolled at its college station campus a number which will continue to grow with each coming year many students and faculty have voiced concerns over the amount of people on campus each day suggesting that the crowded university may be at capacity the mugdown champion of positive campus life change has compiled the following list of suggestions for how the university could best address the issue of overcrowding host seminars to educate students on the benefits of skipping class make campus even uglier so that fewer people will want to hang around between classes (see next suggestion) cut down all of those pesky trees that take up so much space place armed guards around academic seals on campus to eliminate the risk of students accidentally walking across a seal and having to stay at a&m even longer remind students that they can probably get lecture notes from their friends anyway put a spin on the overcrowded label by suggesting that the growth of the population has just made it more apparent how close knit the aggie family™ is through unavoidable close proximity to one another encourage each member of student body to pledge losing at least 10 pounds so that the collective a&m population will take up less space seriously please skip your classes youll probably learn more on your own anyway move toward a 24/7 school week scheduling classes for nights and weekends to spread out campus traffic increase the price of the currently inexpensive parking passes then offer price reductions for those who agree to carpool encourage the use of tandem bicycles raise tuition every 10 months to discourage higher education increase the number of counselors on staff to prepare for the widespread anxiety caused by large crowds require every engineering class to assign a group project in which students must come up with solutions to overcrowding for some hypothetical college that has like 60 000 students complete with estimated costs and see what they come up with awaken the competitive spirit within the student body by reminding them that a&m currently ranks an embarrassing 4th place for largest university in the country and that we should not settle for anything but 1st place build new campus identical to the current one next door complete with another kyle field and give students the option to attend either one we briefly tossed around the concept of having the university accept fewer students in future admission cycles but we quickly dismissed that absurd idea the student body would never support that and there would be no headlines of texas a&m breaking another record if that were the case
student counseling services recently announced plans for an on-campus assisted living center for super seniors maggie gartner executive director of student counseling services has said that they hope to reach out to this particular group of students who have apparently completely lost their grip on reality we find so many of these poor students getting lost on their everyday commutes gartner said they will for example leave to grab some lunch only to be found wandering around northside hours later muttering about a restaurant called ‘bernies it has become clear to us that these students can no longer function on their own gartner has spent the last year studying super seniors in order to best cater to their needs and pinpoint where their general sense of hopelessness and disillusionment originates the first thing we needed to address was their diet its disgusting how much pizza these kids eat campus food is only designed to be eaten for four years maximum any longer and it can be lethal gartner said the super senior living assistance center or sslac will include a lubys restaurant so these students can choose meals that are easier on their old bodies super seniors were also observed convulsing in fits of rage at the sound of the sophomore wildcat so student workers at the sslac must be at least juniors this decision was met very favorably by super senior focus groups i hate underclassmen said kyle gravesend a 5th-year mechanical engineering student look at them all happy and carefree they havent been broken yet soon soon they will experience the overwhelming despair of being left behind in life as your peers leave you in this pit of agony that they call college can you believe steve got a job with boeing sure hes got a better gpa than me but im way more of a people person… when asked what they thought of the sslac super seniors expressed overwhelming apathy for the program much like they do with everything in their lives i mean it sounds nice said maria niemeyer a 5th-year biomedical sciences major but i dont think anything can fill this void inside me -war hymnal
koldus– late wednesday evening an informant from the student government association who asked to be referred to as sheep throat– dont ask us why– leaked the text for the most controversial bill in sga history consequently it is also what students have been waiting for and the mugdown approves -sheep throat & mugdown staff *photo and bill text provided informants from the student government association content should be viewed as satirical
last week texas a&ms most anticipated event of the fall semester finally took place: the designated tuition hearings which propose tuition changes for the next academic year for two days only rudder 301 and 601 became hot spots for student activity and passion whenever i get emails from the university about events i always make sure and immediately put them in my planner said ryan polk junior supply chain major university events always enrich my life and tuition hearings are no exception especially when leaders like the board of regents are looking out for us the tuition hearings were expected to completely fill the rooms and both evening sessions saw a packed crowd officials invited john korrey famous livestock auctioneer to direct the proceedings we were lucky that john had an opening in his schedule with his finesse at handling rapid meteoric rise in prices the university assured that we were giving our students the best education for the most inflated price stated jerry r strawser vice president and chief financial officer bidding for 2016-2017 tuition at both sessions started at $4 500/semester the price quickly rose as automated dummies wearing i love board of regents shirts strived to outbid each other spectators noted that the environment was tense and charged with the students acting as fervent as fish camp counselors professing undying love for their camp session i was on a huge adrenaline rush said bailey kring a senior electrical engineering major who was a spectator of the first session i really believe that increasing our tuition will correlate to an increase in education quality i dont mind paying more especially if theres the chance that my department will hire professors that can actually explain their material strawser was pleased with the outcome of the two sessions saying the 20 dummies – i mean students – that actually attended out of 65 000 total really represented student opinionthe aggies demonstrated how they are engaged with their future and how they can appreciate the odd and at many times illogical executive decisions that seem counterintuitive to improving the student experience at press time a 22% tuition hike was proposed for the 2016-2017 year increasing baseline tuition by at least $265 and adding another semesterly fee for feeding the cats outside of heldenfels the tuition increase is only expected to affect incoming freshman transfer students graduate students and students with vowels in their names -come and bake it
with no shave november joyfully upon us some less ambitious students have finally coined a term for a tradition derived from this mentality no study november has officially taken off as of november 1 2015 the practice of #nsn can be witnessed all over campus but most notably in the common areas of dorms or the msc hoards of students pile into buildings under the pretense of learning however mostly they are listening to music or watching parks and rec on their computer screens this movement among students dates back to ol army and pinky downs ‘06 and his infamous slogan down with knowledge that phrase may have been misinterpreted over the years but its truth rings true today for many drained aggies i didnt even know i was a vital part of such a bold stance said junior engineering major allan johnson i have been doing this for years and am thrilled to know that i have cohorts in my endeavor i am proud to join in on a lesser known yet time-honored tradition that is bigger than myself unfortunately many incoming students are already beginning to confuse the tradition with their new student conferences nsc and nsn is too close for comfort for many of the new students joining class of 2020 the university is expecting an upward of 2 000 bewildered future aggies to be meandering around campus this fall searching for their nsn they will be met with netflix subscriptions and vintage baja hoodies -metta world pizza
as one of the many freshmen indoctrinated at fish camp agricultural leadership major andrew saenz came to texas a&m university with an unmatched enthusiasm for school traditions saenz a first generation aggie and self-proclaimed redass recently had to face the difficult reality of underwhelming student spirit in his math 141 class saenz solved a practice problem during the lecture and noticed that the answer included his class year and new favorite number 2019 when his professor stated the solution saenzs fish camp training kicked in and he instinctively responded with the freshman wildcat classmates report that the disturbance caused those napping in the back row to abruptly lift their heads from their fold-out desks caroline keller a student in saenzs class told the mugdown yeah he stood up and everything his calculator flew off the desk it was pretty ridiculous when asked whether any other students responded to their graduation year being said aloud keller said a couple people laughed and said ‘aaaaa under their breath but it was pretty much just andrew many eyewitness accounts testify to saenzs red face although reports differ on whether this reaction came from embarrassment or anger however those sitting near him report hearing saenz continuously muttering phrases like new army and bad bull saenz spent the rest of class thinking of a clever tweet to adequately express his anger math 141 professor kendra wilmet commented that at this point in time im thinking about including the number 19 in my lectures more often people might wake up and pay attention if mr saenz continues this yelling those close to saenz confirm that this sort of extreme redassery happens on a regular basis often resulting in angry confrontations he can be seen aggressively flipping peoples hats off their heads in the msc and eagerly pushing people off the wood during the war hymn very few students in his math class remember what happened after his outburst but rumor has it that the answer to the next practice problem was two percent -corpus escort
with another year comes another chance at love; another opportunity to put your pull game to the test for a certain brandon huff however lady luck has taken a sudden turn for the worse yeah i dont know what it is…back in h-town i had mad game i was scoring hard 10s every other night huff said i was drowning – but but now…this is a drought of the likes of which ive never seen exactly how and when huff lost his mojo is unclear but signs of trouble began appearing as early as last week i knew something was off when i stopped wearing tanks and objectifying women but i remained hopeful – perhaps naively so even a solid post-workout pump once a staple of huffs routine has done nothing to further his chances with the opposite sex and has wholly crushed his ego im ashamed to admit this but in class the other day i asked for a girls number so we could study together and i actually meant it said huff with his lackluster love life huff has turned his attention to his sports management degree and is now realizing that this too has very little chance of success all in all things are not going so well for the former hottie whose spiral into depression has caused him to gain some unwanted pounds he is on the verge of losing his regulation beefcake status being demoted to just a lowly stud muffin huff was last seen moping around campus in charlie brown fashion – just a shadow of the man he once was have you seen his mojo
an official statement by the university cites both the overcrowded student services office and unmet game day needs as reasons for the demolition of cain hall the presidents office shared that a parking garage hotel skywalk to kyle field and new spaces for student services will form the new cain hall complex the rapid closure of cain caught many aggies off-guard and many feel that the closure should more appropriately be deemed an evacuation employees that once occupied cain point to the spotty wi-fi as the first sign that something was amiss as tamulink-wpa is usually incredibly consistent and strong soon the employees noticed dead zones in which communication with the outside was impossible students attending counselling complained of hallways so cold they could see their breath these were the only warning signs before the hauntings began after spending some time in the building its occupants began to hear eerie moans and see ghostly apparitions cains proximity to reveilles graves after their relocation for the kyle field renovation make it obvious who is responsible said former handler ryan kreider you cant upset the dead like that other students believe it is the long deceased spirit of old army many student services counselors say it is the ghosts of students who have been banished from the university before resolving to demolish the building interim president mark a hussey tried everything he could to save the area he called in fr david konderla the priest of the local catholic church st marys to bless the building yell leaders led their most secretive and scariest yells including finals week and mgmt 211 in order to frighten away the spirits even parsons mounted cavalry came to fire salt rounds within the building to dissipate the ghosts to no avail despite a strong stance against hazing the administration made an extreme exception calling upon a fraternity to send forth its most daring members four pledges dressed as ghostbusters entered the building to exorcise its inhabitants garrett matthewson a pledge in kappa alpha order said it was the most horrifying experience of my life i thought it was going to be as harmless as all the other hazing but no im going to have to go all the way to white creek to talk about what i witnessed in there in an attempt to twist a negative into a positive the university considered turning cain hall into the haunted 12thmansion since buildings only used during certain seasons each year seem to be the most profitable instead administrators determined that the more logical route would be an expensive overhaul to enhance the schools most important student service: game day – corpus escort and netflix & drill
as classes wear on and grades turn spooky college station prepares for halloween and reports of mysterious noises and occurrences near reveilles grave have been spreading the recent renovation and construction of kyle field has disturbed the grave in fact some tales claim that the zone at the north end of kyle is built upon a pet cemetery billy jones a construction worker who worked at the site believes that all the demolition hammering and drilling may have disturbed the cemetery of the past revs missing supplies machines operating by themselves and eerie noises were common around those graves said jones jones warned his supervisors of the encounters but no one listened he fears now that the ol spirits themselves are now haunting the area wednesday night grant middlebury a pre-med biological engineer major was making his way back to his car after a long night of studying at the library when he heard a hushed growling suddenly his books seemed to be ripped out of his hands from below i felt like i was being hunted or herded by some unseen animal said middlebury he came out unscathed except for a few emotional scars and slobbery biochemistry notes middlebury said he didnt think his professor would believe him that a ghost-dog ate his homework as the events continue no one is safe we advise being on guard around the zone -century tree harmony
alright ags im going to let you in on a little secret the best part of halloween is not pretending to be someone new for a night; no judgement here even if you are the slutty campus squirrel here is the spooky secrety secret you have all been dying to hear- the greatest thing about halloween is pranking the ever livin ever lovin compound complex hell outta your friends and random innocent strangers with that being said here is your go-to guide of simple tricks the whole aggie family will enjoy drop a pumpkin on your friends windshield step 1: drive your own car to a pumpkin patch step 2 take basic photos in the patch with your greatest pals step 3: post said photos on insta with the tag #justprankythings step 4: buy a pumpkin and throw it on your best- or least-liked friends windshield step 5: make sure there is a nice huge crack in it if there is not try this technique until a crack appears haha funny everyone has a good laugh pull the fire alarm in the msc in your favorite costume credit: tamu campus tour (of terror) step 1: buy a costume that will ensure your identity is kept secret some ideas may include (but are not limited to) a crayon or e king gill step 2: get a personal fitness trainer at the rec to teach you the perfect sprint technique step 3: put on costume and run into the memorial student center with your newfound athleticism pull the alarm and get out step 4: avoid the segway and bike cops they may have wheels but your training at the rec will be of utmost importance here in avoiding a lifetime of orange jumpsuits release hundreds of spiders in your friends car air vents step 1: get a spider guy or man whichever you prefer step 2: dress in all black and sneakily swipe your friends car keys step 3: in the dead of night ninja roll to the car and unleash the cute little critters step 4: make sure they are driving when their fun new friends make an appearance haha how spooky remove your friend as a student at texas a&m step 1: get your pals uin step 2: log into their howdy portal the honor code is just a strong suggestion step 3: go to their ‘record and drop them from texas a&m bing bang boom theyll never see it coming yall will have a good chuckle when they cannot return in the spring not-so-invisible ink trick this is a great one for strangers and is cost-friendly too! all you will need is a jar of defective invisible ink and the wehner high dress uniform step 1: find stranger in business brofessional helpful spooky hint: try this in wehner people usually dress up there for no apparent reason step 2: make sure you are inconspicuous in your wehner apparel as well which conveniently transforms into your ng outfit for later step 3: once you have found a target approach said individual with the determination of lady rev as she runs across the field before each game all hail the queen make sure your jar of ink is open and ready to go step 4: throw the ink and blend into the chaos that is walking in wehner no one knows up from down in that sea of pant-suited people so just act confused become a vampire credit: tamu campus tour (of terror) step 1: go to the rec step 2: get bit by a bat step 3: do not attend to it and get rabies lesser known fact- the final phase of rabies is transforming into a vampire bam no more garlic for you and youre a scary edward for halloween there ya have it ags- go and trick o treat yoself to some good old fashioned shenanigans this halloween -metta world pizza
recent controversy over how aggies respond to questionable calls during football games has prompted the 12th man foundation to sponsor an interactive poll at the upcoming game versus the south carolina gamecocks in the spirit of halloween attendees of the game are asked to dress in costume representing which side of the boo or hiss debate they agree with per the press release members of team boo have been instructed to don ghost costumes while hiss proponents are to wear either horse or snake costumes the costume votes will be tallied using an advanced terapixel panorama of the stadium taken at halftime and the winning groups noise will become the official sound of disapproval of the 12th man zachary lawrence head yell leader has announced that for the first time in recent memory yell leaders will not be wearing their all-white uniforms for the game to show their support for the more traditional hiss the three senior yell leaders will be dressing up as horses while the junior members will be dressing up as snakes this is also being done to avoid the white outfits being mistaken as ghostly attire which could lead to a potentially messy recount; and we all know how the yell leaders hate recounts members of the corps will be allowed to support whichever side they wish but only if that side is hissing per a directive from the commandants office texas a&m represents respect and hospitality and we need to embody that even when we are angry lawrence said booing goes against everything the aggie family stands for we need to use a sound that conveys the exact same message as booing just more quietly it will be difficult yelling through the horse mask but the senior yell leaders are willing to sacrifice for this great institution members of team boo are jumping at the chance to impact aggie culture white linens have been flying off the shelves at local stores and scissor sales are at an all-time high students are going the extra mile to leave their mark on a crowded landscape of traditions many are hoping their efforts will stand the test of time or until another irrational yet idealistic belief becomes more popular for years students have wanted to give a ghost laugh instead of a horse laugh its time that the students took a stand on an issue of importance said alfred schreier a junior anthropology student while cutting holes into an old sheet visiting south carolina fans are encouraged to partake in the poll and have received an email from texas a&m asking them to dress accordingly in kyle field to express which condescending noise they would prefer be directed at them
overcrowding at texas a&m has been taking a toll students can no longer comfortably register for classes or park in lot 100 and worst of all it is nearly impossible to sit alone in campus dining facilities students blame the administration for bringing in larger and larger freshman classes with initiatives like blinn team and 25 x 25 one senior has risen from simply complaining about the situation and is now taking matters into his own hands collin barth a sixth-year ag leadership and development major is tired of campus being packed with so many students he has been an aggie his entire life born to the tune of the aggie war hymn and he only applied to the university of texas as a joke my love for this university has driven my desire to save this campus from overpopulation there are simply too many underclassmen at this university and the number is only growing every year- people need to leave said barth when i began my education here there was plenty of room to hump it at football games now i almost have to hump those around me just to participate in a yell barth can be found protesting in rudder plaza between classes holding signs such as a&m give us room and old army is dead i dont think we are the problem at all its those liberal arts and business majors who take forever to graduate that cause overcrowding said freshman engineering major amy maddox i mean everyone can understand super senior engineering majors our degree is just so much more challenging that we cant finish in four years statistically seniors- especially those taking their time- make up the smallest portion of students freshman and sophomores make up the bulk of the undergraduate population and culling their numbers would provide a benefit to the entire student body said barth barth himself is making a sacrifice and missing class to ensure his message is spread he is so dedicated in fact that now he must stay for a seventh year to make up for being set back with the protest netflix & drill
*the battalion owns the images used a poll taken last thursday evening has confirmed what many at texas a&m already know: student government association is overwhelmingly viewed as the most valuable on-campus organization the survey was conducted at 7:00 pm in koldus 144 which is coincidentally the exact time and place of student senate meetings 76 student senators were polled representing the entire 60 000 student enrollment the 76 surveyees come from every college and are a mixture of both on-campus and off-campus students those polled also indicated that of the numerous branches commissions and committees in sga student senate was the most important part of sga according to the current edition of the sga code some of the many functions of student senate include protecting texas a&m from harmful cunning liberal bias deliberating over issues of symbolic rather than tangible importance and demonstrating a commitment to legislating first and researching later first i would like to say how vindicated we in the senate feel from these poll numbers which really show our transition from pariah to beloved said tina kreuzfarer a sophomore senator representing students living in the university apartments in order to increase the popularity of senate weve undertaken an aggressive campaign to make sga more like reality television aiming for around three impeachment trials per semester mitchell uses laser eyes while joseph benigno speaks in support of the bevel (photo credit the battalion) aaron mitchell speaker of the senate and suspected cyborg said this in regard to the work he has done with the senate: i am so proud to have initiated and supported some of the most important pieces of student legislation this university has ever seen over these last three years however i have not forgotten my original programming i was sent here from the year 2055 equipped with a hairline constructed from tungsten-carbide ocular laser emitters and a smile designed to elicit human trust with a singular purpose: to destroy the bevel the terror of every students existence i will not rest until that deplorable visual feature is forever banished according to mitchell in 2055 the bevel will gain sentience and the ability to control student minds the bevel will create a powerful hivemind even more powerful than the current hivemind that rules texas a&m when asked about student senates responsibility to address the actual concerns of students mitchell began to twitch as if in need of a reboot *let it be known that the battalion owns the image used in this article the mugdown is using a picture that the battalion took
dear editor hey mugdown i was just wondering… where are all the gay people at i mean not that im gay or anything im not interested in guys or anything but i would like to know how to connect with one i keep going to halo but i cant even find any gay people there! and i know what you all are thinking: oh this guy wants a boyfriend but you have me all wrong im just concerned that maybe other people might want one you know there is nothing wrong with that there is nothing wrong with seeing a total hunk and going man wouldnt that be hot if he took off his shirt i mean if hes got a six pack he should share that- i wouldnt mind i mean think about it weve never had a gay pride parade and i think some people would really like to see a bunch of strong sweaty men struttin down university i wouldnt mind nothing bothers me when i watch videos of oily men wrestling each other or when i see a cute guy in lab and think man i wish he was my partner or like top gun how disappointing is it when you go to the volleyball court and there are only girls no shirtless guys what about the corps dont they have a shirtless volleyball league or something like that it just makes me so upset for anyone whos gay that is also i think campus would really benefit from some diversity i used to know some racist kids in middle school i wasnt one of them but i mean i laughed at their jokes sometimes but once i came to a&m and met my black friend i didnt find that stuff funny anymore and thats my point! maybe if we had some more gay friends we would get along better with them anyway thats all i wanted to say i have to get back to my wrestling videos now thanks and giggles normal straight guy ‘18
perhaps the oldest and most unique tradition the members of any sorority will experience is ring pass this ceremony is traditionally held when a sister in the chapter gets engaged and it serves as a time to share in the excitement and joy that comes with finding ones soulmate recently a special ritual has been added to modernize this sacred tradition when a sister and her new boy begin talking there will now be a phone pass allowing 200 of her closest friends to extensively analyze what each lol and emoji could mean for the potential relationship this ritual provides each sister with the opportunity to provide their own insightful interpretation of the seemingly very personal text thread from the time it takes for the significant other to respond to how many exclamation marks he used every member can work to defend the bond of sisterhood courtney fanning an active member of delta gamma has seen a lot of improvements since the new ritual has been enacted i was able to help my pledge class sister out fanning said she didnt even realize that when a guy texted her and asked her to work on homework together it meant he was totally into her and wanted to take their relationship to the next level it was a total dtr in ol army days the ring pass ritual included several phases to make very clear exactly what was going on in each girls romantic relationships phase 1: letters – the male in the relationship gives corresponding sorority girl his letters to wear in the form of a t-shirt or lavalier phase 2: pinning – this phase symbolizes a relationship is going steady the male will pin his newly acquired girlfriend with his fraternity crest this pin will later be passed around during the sorority pinning ceremony phase 3: ring pass – this is the final phase which signifies the completion of the ring by spring initiative™ once the sorority sister is given an engagement ring there will be a chapter-wide ritual in which the engagement band will be circulated to each member and all will hear the engagement story sara stockton director of member development is spearheading the new tradition now known as phase 0 it was about time all of those things were so outdated plus guys these days communicate their feelings differently this spring the phone pass will be added for sororities across the nation to signify the first stages of the relationship who needs to be going steady when you can be talking -5k for yell
the campus is tense as november approaches a battle has broken out into a gruesome and bloody scene as texas a&m prepares for chi omega songfest™ this event pairs mens and womens organizations from across campus to compete in an epic two-night show of choreographed dance pep and theatrics chi o recently announced that if participating groups sell 300 songfest shirts they will be awarded extra points for the competition this is critical as winning songfest is the sole factor in determining an organizations worth samantha bluth songfest chair for better christian aggies and delta nu agrees that the importance of reaching this quota cannot be understated when chi omega announced the opportunity for extra points i knew i would do whatever it took to sell the shirts bluth said ive already bought shirts for myself my boyfriend my parents my roommates and my academic advisor if we look bad in this competition it affects our ranking on the row looking bad at songfest ruins your reputation and affects your ability to function as a credible organization the push to sell 300 shirts has started to affect friendships as well over 12 groups will participate in songfest meaning that close to 4 000 shirts should be sold the a&m bubble can only hold so many involved students therefore friends have become a battleground for those participating in songfest tommy funke a gdi and non-songfest participator says he has lost some friends from this tricky situation i couldnt keep track of all of the facebook event notifications funke said almost all of my friends are participating in songfest and they each expect me to buy a shirt to support them i deactivated my facebook account this week to avoid the drama of it all as the battle ends and the smoke clears one thing can be made clear this is songfest return with your shield or on it sell your shirts prepare for glory! -5k for yell
texas a&m prides itself on students exemplifying the universitys traditional six core values excellence integrity leadership loyalty respect and selfless service wednesday morning the board of regents made an important addition to this list involvement many of our students give top priority to participation in some of our 900+ student organizations which is why we believe it is imperative to make this addition said rusty thompson director of student activities campus involvement is just as important as academics if not more so and we believe our core values should reflect this important part of being an aggie the average student balances time between five to nine extra-curricular groups and generally takes a few classes on the side having everyone split into organized groups allows for greater unity as a student body it has become routine on campus that the most effective and common way to initiate a conversation with a complete stranger is to boisterously exclaim howdy! proceed with your entire aggie intro and end with a detailed description of every single thing you have ever done in college aggies are eager to hear what other aggies are up to even if the explanation takes so much time you miss your next class obviously involvement in student-run organizations outweighs our education; it is why we are here are you even an aggie if you arent giving your time to saving all the orcas in captivity five organizations ending world hunger studying abroad in europe and interning with google this summer said jane meyer freshman honors engineering student meyer along with all banner-holding students by the msc and wehner think not she recently joined a flo and does not have a single regret about missing an entire week of courses writing her applications the seventh and most defining core value goes into effect immediately students are encouraged to carry resumes and wear their organizations clothing at all times
the texas a&m corps of cadets announces it will begin selling pr shirts to make cadets more relatable corps staff public relations unveiled the design late monday night and believes it will be a great and unique recruiting tool
the 2015-2016 school year has been off to a frustrating start with overcrowded parking garages students sitting on the floor in classrooms and a surplus of competitive engineering students lining up in front of evans at 5:00 am hoping to get a table next to an outlet juniors and seniors have been increasingly frustrated reminiscing on the ‘good ‘ol days when they could find an open tree to hang their hammock in everyone is beginning to blame overpopulation on the infamous 25×25 plan to increase engineering students to 25 000 by 2025 as usual the texas a&m board of regents is listening carefully to the outcries of the student body and has come up with a plan to mitigate the risks of this dramatic engineering student increase we are not willing to go back on our initial plan said a board member who prefers to stay anonymous she explained that their pride as the board of regents is fragile and their pact to never compromise on a decision they have made public is preventing them from admitting the flaw in this plan she did however reveal that they are working toward a compromise after much deliberation she said we realized the solution was obvious the board has chosen to put in place a new 25×25 plan that will decrease the number of liberal arts students to 25 by the year 2025 after facing harsh criticism they realized the answer was right in front of them all along in order to increase the quality of the engineering program they will pump it full of unsure 18 year olds and give liberal arts students small intimate classroom settings and access to resources because they are generally less important i cant believe they didnt think of it before said sophomore civil engineering student alex witt the inferiority of liberal arts students has been widely understood by every engineer on campus and this change will allow liberal arts students to understand their importance on this campus while giving the more ambitious students a place to park our cars the college of liberal arts has 12 departments and the board of regents commented that they understand it is unreasonable to only admit two students to each major the administration plans to cut political science english economics international studies psychology communication and history starting in fall 2017 this way the university will only offer the more important liberal arts majors beginning in 2017 hispanic studies performance studies philosophy sociology and anthropology will each include five students -gigsaw puzzle
the maroon out game: the one tradition the corps of cadets can never get right this year aggies will once again flood into kyle field in a monochromatic ocean that can only be experienced at the maroon out game or at any other home game every year maroon out is a highly anticipated event among aggies and people who cannot think for themselves jason blythe former maroon out director explains the value of this organizations great campus service without maroon out how would students know what color to wear to games blythe said we make it easy for them– the color is right there in the name of our organization plus without us where would people even get maroon shirts they dont sell them just anywhere wearing maroon is the perfect way to show off the 12th man spirit that is so highly prized among aggies and so cheaply rented out to seattle if you are the one student who does not already own a maroon shirt then maroon out is here to sell you one if you are any other student then maroon out is here to be the shirt-shaped trash can youll throw $8 into the maroon out directors announced a series of changes this year for the first time ever there will be maroon out games for both volleyball and soccer there will also be long sleeve maroon out shirts available these additions make sense because texas is known for having lots of cold weather and soccer fans in addition to long sleeve shirts the directors have announced an entire line of maroon out fashion accessories the collection will feature items such as the maroon-out-of-style: the official maroon out scrunchie; maroon-5-out: the official maroon out hair gel and diy tattoo kit; and maroon-in-and-out: the official maroon out condoms -cpp
despite the major on the transcript there is one thing that all students have in common: sweat not the i didnt know i had an 8:00 am test and slept in until noon brand of sweat but the you are an adult but we dont trust you to exercise on your own kind this of course refers to the notorious kinesiology classes that each student is required to suffer through but due to recent changes on campus the way students sweat their way to a degree will never be the same in the most recent session of the faculty senate- the organization responsible for setting curriculum- a complete overhaul of the kinesiology requirement was voted into action the requirements in place simply were not cutting it reported senate speaker jim woosley the kind of physical activity that students are being exposed to is not the kind of thing that we as a university are looking for according to the recent amendments several class requirements will be drastically different for example one hour kine 199 classes will now only count for a single elective credit and wont fulfil the kine requirement classes such as aerobic running racquetball and basketball do not provide students with adequate physical activity several kine classes are scheduled to be introduced in the spring to fill the void including but not limited to: kine 199-502 (philosophies of team sports) kine 199-589 (baseball statistics) kine 199- 592 (sportsmanship ethics) kine 199-595 (wii sports) kine 199-598 (fantasy football) kine 199-700 (the marathon in greek history) these changes were prompted by similar amendments made to classes earlier this year since we prudently prevented courses such as concert band jazz ensemble and orchestra from providing a ‘visual and performing arts credit it would be foolhardy to not keep the ball rolling in other departments faculty senate caucus leader jonathan coopersmith proudly asserted instead of crediting vpa credits for performing art we put more value in appreciating it from an academic distance in the same way future students will be learning and thinking about physical activity in the end isnt that more important than actually participating -beutal call
after a disturbing series of events it was discovered tuesday afternoon that the new resting place of our beloved former reveilles has been desecrated by none other than reveille ix freshman business major chad stevens was the first to discover the scene i was on my way to the gym to knock out leg day when i saw miss rev running away from the memorial at first i thought it was adorable how she was running around and playing like a regular dog but then i saw the bone dangling from her mouth… according to a statement released by the aggie honor council reveille ix escaped from her dorm late monday night she proceeded to make her way to the academic plaza where she harassed the campus squirrels left to leave her mark on kyle field and then finally walked over to the graves of our former reveilles once there reveille ix managed to dig up and remove the bones of three former reveilles she was sprinting right at me; her paws were black with the dirt of her victims graves and her crime her muzzle dripped with mud a rotting bone trapped between her teeth the aggies goddess is but a mere mutt said a theatre arts major who asked to be referred to as absinthe the texas a&m corps of cadets released a statement early wednesday morning we are horrified by the actions of miss reveille as a general the highest ranking member of the corps and as a lady we expect her to behave just as any respected official of the university should this animalistic behavior was completely unexpected talk of removing reveilles title has been mentioned by university officials although a large number of students seem to agree that reveille should be stripped of her title and position others believe reveilles behavior wasnt all that out of line well shes a dog said elle thompson dogs dig stuff up and like to chew on bones yeah she is the lady of aggieland or whatever but she still poops outside and pees on trees the university plans on returning the bones and restoring the site before this weekends game as for miss rev she has shown very few signs of remorse nor has she released any statement of her own regarding the situation
with december graduation fast approaching the class of 2015 waits with bated breath to make their way out into the real world some will be graduating with jobs and two sets of rings others however are not so lucky indeed times are certainly tough for the mrs major unemployment rates have reached unprecedented levels over the years and landing a rich successful spouse come graduation is proving to be the exception rather than the rule you know you get four five maybe even six years to find a match and to think i wasted all this time and money…i just wish i had listened to my mother and switched to business said lauren wylie soon to be graduated senior mrs major i had some options -psychology english and art majors mostly – but they could never support me like a man as bad as things are for the female mrs graduates they absolutely pale in comparison to their male counterparts i always knew this major would be difficult but i never thought the job market would get this bad when did being a doting hot house-husband go out of style said junior mrs major ed rebar it seems that more and more students these days are focused on their careers rather than finding a significant other many of the statistically highest paying majors are entering the workforce painfully single im just really focused on jumpstarting the career of my dreams and having a partner could really jeopardize that lord knows i need some action but not that bad said senior computer science major raymond laborde i just think i would be too busy for a stay-at-home husband but that chad gibson sure is dreamy…im sorry what was i saying said angela benson a senior mechanical engineering major despite data suggesting that this career-focused trend will continue many students still flock to this attractive major with open arms and big dreams hopefully things will improve for these hardworking students – plug down for watt
the application for admission into texas a&m is currently open to the prospective class of 2020 and the admissions office has begun sending out its first batch of acceptance letters expanding the aggie family to a size greater than ever before the collective groans have been heard far and wide about the growing student population and its not slowing down anytime soon texas a&m is the place to be but some are more willing to give up their opportunity to enroll than others it is strange we are not necessarily able pinpoint the issue but we are seeing an unusual number of high school graduates choosing against a&m and going to another university in texas said admissions officer marvin ortega caitlin greene a keller high school senior was asked why she recently decided to defer her offer and enroll at texas tech instead i knew some people who were willing to pay me for my spot on campus some even above the university tuition face value the price of one of those degrees is high enough as it is but to each his own i guess a quick search on facebook and youll find an ‘aggie admission exchange group which is made up of graduating seniors from across the country looking to buy and sell their way into enrollment many current students are up in arms about the black market that has risen i think its dishonest its bad bull to sell your enrollment here for anything higher than face value that is not what good potential-ags do said junior poultry science major wiley koenig in response to having their loyalty called into question lucas ullman a classmate of greene said im sure there are rules about these kinds of things but hey if someone is willing to buy im willing to sell
rebeccas an up and coming womens organization with the unique goal of incorporating sisterhood service and philanthropy into a myriad of socials and theme parties has made some recent changes to increase applicants and therefore diversity (of costume ideas for mixers) though the organization accepts all applicants who are female full-time students the application process is now being called a rush for promotional purposes we feel that calling it ‘rush makes the process seem more urgent and exclusive some more changes in our near future are hosting a 5k a formal and introducing a big-little program our main goal in all of these changes is to intensify our focus on sisterhood and to bring more attention to our philanthropy said rebeccas president ryllie belle this turned out to be a good call by belle and her fellow rebeccas as they have seen a 30% increase in pledges since the change rebeccas is everything i ever wanted in a sisterhood we all love each other so much and have so much in common that we are applying for funding to get a house that we can all live in together it will be the first of its kind and we are planning to call it our hore house- housing for official recreational events where we will both live and have all of our parties vice president callie sweetheart maggie said as the organization continues to expand in membership and campus influence there are also rumors that they will be adding -fest to the name of every single one of their events to prove how truly fun and festival-like their 5ks and dinner parties are first up for the change is formalfest when asked for any final comments on the evolution of this budding organization belle and maggie both agreed that its all for the glory of god because john 3:16 -panda expressions
on wednesday tom roberts filed a petition for emancipation from the aggie family his petition was received by the brazos county district court and a ruling is expected to be given within the next few weeks i enrolled at texas a&m because of its outstanding engineering program and nationally recognized academics as well as athletics i did not realize however that my acceptance came with an adoption into the ‘aggie family which i have no desire to be a part of said roberts a sophomore chemical engineering major some students however have expressed concern over roberts decision and question his motives regarding this choice why would he come to a&m if he didnt want to be a part of the aggie family asked trisha jones junior communication major isnt that why everyone chooses to attend here what is the point of this school without its accepting community and undying traditions roberts however claims that he saw no indication of this stipulation anywhere during the application process others have expressed outrage over roberts action one outspoken student and self-proclaimed authority on aggie family membership had this to say about the decision: you cant just leave the aggie family everyone at texas a&m is a part of our family whether they like it or not no one can opt out but in rare cases you can be forced out if you harm the sensibilities of the corps or yell leaders roberts has reportedly said that he intends to continue attending class utilizing texas a&m facilities and generally living out his life as a normal college student roberts is confident that he can successfully graduate from this school regardless of his aggie family membership when asked about the term two percent roberts said that he challenges such a statistic and feels as if there are well over 2 000 students of his kind i know i am not alone in this roberts said i guess from the outside looking in you cant understand it and from the inside looking out i cant explain it riffety raff
over a month after the last fish camp session returned from lakeview counselors and freshmen are all wondering when they can finally go their separate ways megan fischer a freshman finance major is just hoping that her counselors will let her do college on her own my ‘parents‘ kept asking me if i needed any help on my flo applications fischer said i mean i can appreciate them wanting to help but they pretty much wanted to do my applications for me it was a little overbearing even after muting her dgs groupme fischer still felt overwhelmed by counselors reaching out to her via text facebook and snapchat youd think that if i didnt respond then they would get the message that i wasnt interested in getting lunch in the msc every day but ignoring them only makes them text me more fischer said its like they just cant move on i saw my dg dad on campus the other day and he still hadnt dyed his hair back to a normal color fischers mom amy morales is just as eager for their relationship to end morales a junior marketing major hits up her freshmen just to make sure she is in good standing when chair applications come out look i dont want to see my freshmen any more than they want to see me morales said you think i wanted to spend gig ‘em week standing in line for stuff on campus all day i just want to do chair next year so i had to be at all the continuity events richard davidson morales partner and first-year counselor had no idea what he was getting into when i signed up to be a counselor i didnt realize they expected us to spend this much time with the freshmen especially after camp davidson said the worst part is all of my freshmen who arent complete weirdos are the ones who never text me back megan was pretty much the only cool one and i havent heard from her in weeks it sucked having to sit on the third deck with them at the ball state game davidson continued if they really wanted us to show college football to the freshmen they would have let us take them tailgating -war hymnal
sophomore andrew johnson has not been seen wearing a shirt since last february according to his neighbors at z islander what was thought to be a premature hype for spring break then a quest for an early summer tan and stretched into an over-excitement about the warm summer weather has now turned into full-blown suspicion that johnson actually believes he lives at the beach he carries a boogie board out to the pool almost every day shakes his head and mutters under his breath about waiting for ‘a sweet swell one of these days z islander staff told the mugdown johnson mostly takes online classes except for a sand volleyball kine 199 which he gets to on his longboard two days a week he spends most of his time tanning on the volleyball court actually playing volleyball and getting high hanging out in his pastel pink and blue apartment hes kind of a weird dude but i like him the first time he asked if i wanted to ‘hit the surf with him i was kind of disappointed that he meant the z islander pool but he shared an actual coconut with me which was pretty cool said johnsons weed dealer who asked to remain unnamed the mugdown recently caught up with johnson over some fuzzy navels poolside when asked how johnson has adjusted to life in college station over the last two years since moving from his home in houston johnson seemed overcome with emotion moving here has completely changed me i finally found my place in the world and i couldnt be happier the sun the sand the crystal clear waters the quirky sideways windows the palm trees before moving to college station i had never even been to a beach and now i never want to leave panda expressions
starting guard for texas a&m mens basketball team danuel house recently suffered a serious injury while walking across campus a fracture to his ankle was caused by an awkward run-in where a student he was approaching stepped to the same side of the sidewalk as he did house describes the incident in the following: we were stuck in this awkward dance trying to get around one another when he pulled a juke-right spin-left move out of nowhere my natural basketball instinct kicked in and i actually tried to guard him the next thing i knew i was on the ground of military walk with my ankle throbbing after receiving quality care from the medical experts at beutel it was determined that in fact house had sustained a hairline fracture to the medial malleolus of his left fibula i used to roll my eyes when i saw athletes being driven around campus on golf carts like royalty said andrew boskreig the student who caused the incident but after being personally responsible for the injury of a pedestrian athlete i realize the true risks they are putting on themselves and their team each day by walking to class after the realization that a key player would be out for most of the offseason texas a&m mens basketball coach bill kennedy began a petition to provide more golf carts to take athletes across campus year-round the issue has started a campus wide discussion about university athlete treatment chemistry major gracie wilkes recognized the value of the campus pseudo-celebrities and noted the marketing value and revenue they bring to the university even with the tuition meal plans special facilities personal tutoring and free products they receive there are still some day-to-day privileges missing from their lives wilkes said the golf carts not only offer athletes protection from the masses but they help remind students of an athletes true position in the student body texas a&m athletics director eric hyman commented on how difficult it is for a university to appreciate and acknowledge the value of one of their players though hyman spearheaded the $450 million kyle field redevelopment project he still feels the shrine which is only used seven times a year falls short of the true glory of the athletes he is trying to honor the ncaa makes it hard enough said hyman i am personally looking forward to the day when we can give some of our profit back in the form of a paycheck to the under-recognized heroes of this university otherwise all of the money they are making us would just go to undeserving or inconsequential departments of texas a&m like academic scholarships or cancer research students of texas a&m be sure to thank these silent heroes for their selfless service to their university remember that your role models do not get paid for what they do and with the ncaas rules and regulations they are often not even allowed to celebrate their accomplishments without receiving a penalty knowing the physical and emotional hardships of a college athlete we wanted to do something to show our appreciation for these vital members of the aggie family would you please join us today in our first ever hug a aggie athlete day just remember to approach with caution as these men and women are susceptible to injury and their bodies are worth more than your entire education -lonely lighter
sources within the fightin texas aggie band have indicated that texas a&ms infamous bevel is here to stay- the band will be modifying the famous block-t formation found at the end of every halftime performance the new block t will feature the geometric bevel found on modern texas a&m branding this marks the first major change to the formation since the block-t was first formed in 1925 and is likely to debut at the october 3rd halftime performance against mississippi state the bevel was introduced to texas a&m athletic insignia in 1999 and until recently has been missing from two mainstays of aggie culture the diploma and the aggie band last april the board of regents indicated that they were rectifying this inconsistency by changing the university system seal to include the cherished bevel on every new diploma now 16 years after the introduction of the bevel its popularity is fully ratified comparison of pre- and post-1999 insignia chancellor john sharp said he was pleased to see the band choose to make the switch when it comes to brand identity having that ‘block t is what sets texas a&m apart sharp said the change makes it very obvious when you see it where you are and what youre talking about that its texas a&m and the texas a&m system dr timothy rhea director of bands and performance ensembles told the mugdown i am so thankful that the chancellor and board of regents were so gracious as to give us a say in this issue they would never do anything to meddle with this universitys fine traditions without the input of students faculty and alumni lt col jay brewer ‘81 who serves as the senior associate director of the texas aggie band and more famously as the announcer of the band said that he was asked to modify the script for saturdays halftime performance it now reads ladies and gentlemen tonights halftime performance is dedicated to chancellor john sharp and the entire board of regents for their bravery courage and bold leadership without their daring audacity texas a&m couldnt be the globally recognized brand that it is today now forming at the north end of kyle field the nationally-famous chancellor john sharp ‘72 aggie band
recently the dangers of traversing texas a&ms college station campus by foot have come into a new light students will not be warned of this danger through a crime alert email nor will they read about it on the college station police departments twitter who is putting students lives in danger sidewalks last friday on west campus senior animal sciences major trent daniels experienced a biking accident while riding over a drastically uneven patch of sidewalk in this incident daniels who may have been riding at excessive speeds hit his front tire on the tall side of the crack causing him to flip over the front of his handlebars daniels is still in rehab recovering from fractures in his collarbone and left fibula as well as a severe hip dislocation his parents have brought a lawsuit against the university for its negligence in campus maintenance many other minor sidewalk incidents like these have recently occurred on campus with no attention from the university most incidents only resulted in skinned knees and officials argue that the true danger is students texting and walking not the poorly maintained sidewalks university officials have repeatedly declined to address the issue this semester and many are suspicious that the university has been more than frivolous with its construction budget anna bower junior education major and recent victim of sidewalk paving negligence commented on all of the new projects being completed on campus just when we thought kyle field couldnt get any bigger it did and why are we building a hotel and convention center on campus i just want to be able to walk to class without worrying about showing up covered in blood bower said others have acknowledged that old unused buildings such as francis hall near evans library and scoates hall near the langford architecture complex both received extensive renovations yet the sidewalks perhaps the commodity most used by students have yet to be considered dr jerry r strawser vice president for finance and administration who oversees campus construction condescendingly spoke with us about the issue we arent terribly concerned about this problem and definitely wont consider it until next summer until then have a nice trip and just enjoy the fall! strawser said -lonely lighter
friends family and professors gathered at a students apartment for a coming out party where craig lee a sophomore at a&m came out of the closet about his major both of lees parents graduated from texas a&m with honors in biomedical sciences his father charles lee became a cardiologist and his mother mary lee pursued radiology first off i just wanted to thank everyone for loving me no matter who i actually am lee said my whole life everyone told me i was a doctor but deep down i knew this wasnt who i was lees father visibly uncomfortable shifted in his chair as his wife put a hand on his shoulder to reassure him it just makes me wonder where i messed up you know charles said i did my best to provide an environment where my boy could flourish and follow in my footsteps but i dont know why hes choosing not to but hes still our son and were going to support him no matter what mary said right charles mr lee tensed his jaw and looked away lees close friends looked on eager to hear what sort of lifestyle he had chosen i always knew he wasnt going to be a doctor said rachel walton a sophomore communications major once you start talking to him its pretty obvious hes not that type other friends were caught by surprise like sophomore biomedical sciences major justin mcclean he just seemed so normal like one of us none of us knew he was hiding such a big part of himself from the world mcclean said but like were still cool its not gonna get weird between us hopefully ashlyn williams lees academic advisor sympathized with his situation we get a lot of kids like him in our department williams said its perfectly understandable for a young man his age to want to explore a new side of himself and im doing everything i can to support him through this after lee announced his plan to major in dance his father was seen storming off muttering something about how he wished his son had just been gay instead -war hymnal
tragedy struck today on fightin texas aggie ring day as the masses descended upon college station to celebrate the earning of shiny new aggie rings with friends and family one senior descended into chaos this morning aggies with the required 90 hours of completed coursework gathered outside the alumni center to receive the gold theyve been anticipating for years for jessica white the anticipation was perhaps a bit too high white a senior english major didnt even wait until the evening for her ring dunk at 11 am she was guzzling down her pitcher of stale beer in front of an enthusiastic audience when she looked to the bottom of the container and noticed that there was no ring she realized in a sudden moment of clarity that her throat was bulging in the rush and excitement of downing 15 liters of michelob ultra white had actually swallowed her ring i didnt know what to do she said all i could think was i had just swallowed $500! white tried to cough up the 14 carats but met little success she even threw up the entire pitcher of beer– though not for the purpose of retrieving the ring the ring remained in her stomach white is currently being treated at st joseph regional hospital in bryan and her friends and family have set up a gofundme campaign to help cover the cost of ordering a new ring or having the necessary medical treatments done as much as we want to raise money for sydney to get a new ring we also want to spread awareness to the aggie family about the hazards of ring dunking said kerry kyle a close friend of white students need to know that drinking cheap beer is dangerous a strong guinness makes you drink slower and reduces the risk of swallowing a ring as ring dunks become more competitive the risk of swallowing your ring increases but drinking $500 to $1000 in 16 seconds will also make a great story safe dunking century treeharmony
to properly reflect the changing times and student body here at texas a&m first-year president michael young has boldly decided to change the official greeting once an integral part of this institution howdy will now reflect something a little more subtle and current – the all too familiar awkward stare and wave combination though markedly different young claims that this greeting is far more applicable in everyday situations and people probably already do it without thinking how many times have you seen someone you barely know but dont quite feel confident enough to give them a full-on ‘howdy this is where the new greeting excels young said in a press conference thursday the new greeting is in beta testing still but all test and focus groups have shown a real positive reaction young urges us to be creative with our salutations and to think outside the box unlike the strict limitations put on howdy students are encouraged to add to the new lexicon what i love about this greeting is that its so flexible if you just wanna stare and mutter ‘sup under your breath you can do that said freshman physics major mark lopez you can act like you didnt see them till its too late and do the surprise look and wave or if youre feeling particularly daring you could even flash a smile no word yet on how and exactly when howdy will be phased out but high-ranking officials have promised that a plan is in the works wed like to have ‘howdy be gone for good by at least 2017 hopefully earlier said provost and executive vice president dr karan l watson but were prepared for the worst only time will tell how popular this new greeting will be but the future culture and traditions of the school hinge on its success – plug down for watt
here at texas a&m students staff and faculty are guided by a set of university core values the first of which is excellence many aggies demonstrate excellence through their academics campus and community involvement and workplace recently however one student has taken a&ms call to excellence above and beyond all expectations according to several students and faculty members a student- name unknown- was spotted yesterday afternoon riding his bike to class without making use of the handlebars instead relying on his unbelievable sense of balance and control indeed we at the mugdown were incredulous at first but multiple sources have confirmed what could be the most impressive feat in acrobatics since whatever barnum and bailey had to do to get an eternal animal cracker sponsorship it was beyond incredible said chad powers a senior political science major honestly one of the most amazing things ive seen in my lifetime talk about ‘mind blown right further sources echoed his response of disbelief describing the event as pretty neat cray and like cirque de soliel but mostly without the french singing others were not so quick to give in to the rumors one of these so-called skeptics is freshman general engineering major lisa kim who said look i love physics and calculus as much as the next engineer and i even crunched the numbers there is simply no way that riding a bike without handlebars is possible it defies the natural laws of the universe it must be a hoax such an event has even attracted the attention of some faculty whose reactions vary almost as much as the student bodys anthropology professor dr tom green took particular interest in this feat calling it an absolute marvel of human ability when asked for further comment dr green cited his area of study saying i have spent much of my life studying human history and culture and few accomplishments stand above this it is one thing to learn from history it is another thing entirely to watch it unfold before your very eyes yet even more faculty came forward to comment including department of math professor dr li huang dr huang a non-believer said i ride my bike daily and ive been a bike rider for 37 years i ride my bike to class to office hours and sometimes even to the store i cant fathom how riding a bike without using the handlebars is possible either i dont know as much as i think i do or there is some mystical force at work here i guess its time to reevaluate my stance on the supernatural tamu transportation services and university police have expressed their intent to ticket the biker as soon as his identity is released honestly i dont really care about all of this it just doesnt seem like that big of a deal to me said marcus delcour a texas a&m transportation official oh yeah were going to totally fine the sh** out of him when we find out who it is that much i can guarantee at press time the texas a&m board of regents are considering renaming the newly developed student recreation center after the mythical cyclist once his identity is discovered in the meantime a scholarship fund has been established in his honor and will be rewarded once a year to an incoming freshman who excels in cycling eyewitnesses confirmed that not only was the mysterious biker riding without utilizing the handlebars he was also actually riding in the bike lane incredible -bacon and ags
throughout history civilizations have been brought to their knees at the hands of sickness and plague in both times of war and times of peace this week texas a&m was brought low by one of the most dangerous illnesses of all: senioritis senior poultry science major eric wolf has become infamous during his tenure at texas a&m for attending only the minimum number of classes needed to pass he is rarely seen by the general student body except when he comes to class for tests because of this notoriety when wolf was spotted on west campus last week near the kleberg building many students began to panic fearing there could be a test they had forgotten its always really scary and stressful when people say theyve seen eric wolf said carrie elways a sophomore animal science major since eric never goes to his classes no one knows if they have a class with him or not so if hes on campus we are all at risk when elways heard that wolf had been seen she rushed to check ecampus to make sure she hadnt forgotten a test date thousands of other students had the same reaction and this sudden and unexpected influx of online traffic caused the already painfully slow campus wifi to crash with nervous students all over campus now unable to know for sure whether or not they had tests panicked mobs rushed to buy scantrons these mobs of terrified students quickly turned to looting prompted by the violent hordes beginning to rampage across campus code maroon sent out a poorly-worded alert that read: wolf sighting on campus students are advised to evacuate to north although this message did succeed in causing an evacuation (aggies do not have to be told twice to go to northgate) it increased the confusion and panic sweeping across campus with texas a&m locked in the jaws of hysteria hundreds of students called the corps escorts service in order to get back home safely the demand for corps escorts was reportedly so high that corps seniors were forced to walk with girls who werent even attractive as the mayhem worsened campus slowly regressed to a state of failure plagued by riots and using scantrons as currency the commandant of the corps of cadets soon issued an emergency statement i am declaring an official state of martial law across all of texas a&m the commandant announced the corps of cadets will be deployed as a peace-keeping militia using tamu transit buses as mobile fortresses members of the board of regents have come out as strongly opposed to this plan the board claims that the commandant plans to instate himself as a military dictator using his favorite students the aggie band as his secret police aggies who live on campus are advised to stay in groups be in the dorms before the new curfew pretend to take the aggie band seriously and spend a few scantrons stocking up on essential supplies any further wolf sightings are to be reported to campus police immediately so that we can resolve once and for all if there are tests this week or not -cpp
local couple sarah addison and connor bristow drew attention from young couples everywhere when they announced a major relationship milestone in a facebook post sunday evening despite dating for only eight months and four days the couple believes that they might as well just consider themselves engaged some students come into college with transfer credits that put them ahead of schedule academically while freshmen by year they have over thirty hours making them sophomores by hours bristow and addison found themselves in a similar position what we have is special said addison connor was my group leader for msc alot and we connected from day one things were kind of messy because of policy but when he finally asked me out i knew he was the one she flirted with me basically all year said bristow it took everything i had not to just say ‘screw it and ask her out by the time we started dating it felt like wed been together for like our whole lives contrarily they had known each other for less than a year the facebook post stated that the couple would indeed be spending the rest of their lives together whether bound by a matrimonial ceremony or not and was accompanied by a picture of them holding hands sitting on the bench under the century tree is this for real!!!! said pretty much every facebook commenter i dont have the money to buy a ring right now said bristow the guy at david gardners wouldnt let me give him an iou even though i know im going to be pulling in six figures when i graduate we dont need a ring to be engaged anyway we have love and eight months of being together the wedding is tentatively scheduled for may 2017 and bristow is planning to propose sometime that january -cactus jack
in what can only be described as a day that will go down in history college station – our beloved home away from home – has now been deemed large enough for two targets by local ptsa mother of three gladys knight often thought to be a one-target town by other cities towns and foreigners alike many residents (or college stationians as they like to be called) are absolutely thrilled by the idea of having another target grace the town with its presence the emporium is expected to improve morale with its superior quality goods craftsmanship and entertainment as well as boost the local economy with its job creation with this second target the number of things we can do in this town will literally triple maybe i speak alone on this but ive never had a bad time at target said michael gregory a junior biomedical sciences major nancy berry the mayor of college station is encouraged by the overwhelming support and remains hopeful for the future the journey of a thousand miles begins with step one; this is that step now we push for a waffle house berry said as can be expected this moment is not without its fair share of detractors and critics sure it starts with this extra target but then whats next having nothing to do in this town is exactly what makes it so special said kevin hickey a business honors sophomore though admittedly proud of its neighbor the town of bryan is more than a tad bit jealous of the newfound progress fame and success bryan has failed to secure for itself a possible second target and sources say it is the last straw the mayor of bryan jason bienski had this to say at a bryan city hall meeting: its with a heavy heart that i tell you great people that once again we have been snubbed by our younger much better looking sibling – college station we cannot sit in silence any longer we must act at press time target declined to comment on the status of a second location – plug down for watt
texas a&m chancellor john sharp defended the universitys decision to spend over $450 million on a building that would only be used about seven times each year the value added to campus he argued would more than make up for the cost the building which was recently completed features state-of-the-art video and sound systems and the capacity to seat the entire student body and then some we know that every student wont use this building and its not for academics but after all the students voted to foot the bill for $70 million sharp noted the building will only be used on a handful of weekends during the fall semester it is suspected that the building will also bring more donations to the school from alumni looking to get their name on a bench possibly the largest impact will come from social media as students are projected to photograph themselves in this building and feature it on their instagrams and snapchat stories maybe we can find a way to make the building useful on the other 141 days of the academic year sharp said we can just blast music over the speakers then students will feel like their $70 million is being well spent -commons lobbyist
halfway through his tuesday morning chemistry lecture dr gonzalez smirked as he decided to test his students knowledge of strong and weak acids with an i>clicker quiz after generously allotting them over three minutes to think it through dr gonzalez was dumbfounded when he saw that there were over 140 responses despite there only being at best 100 students in class obviously i was skeptical at first – i didnt want to believe it! but after my class promised that they did not have anyone elses i>clicker but their own i just knew we had made contact with some sort of spiritual being gonzalez said in an attempt to communicate with the suspected spirit gonzalez stopped teaching and immediately began utilizing the i>clicker system to ask the visitor questions about death god the afterlife and the ghosts own intentions it is so comforting to have the answers to all the big questions in life gonzalez explained it is so easy now all i had to do was come up with my top five guesses to answer my own questions and the spirit responded every time with his new peace of mind the fifty-year-old professor quit his highly coveted and tenured position here at a&m took out his life savings and donated the bulk of it to numerous charities the little he kept for himself he is now using to sustain his asceticism as he wanders around aimlessly city to city promoting the truths he has found – i>clicker securely in tow -plug down for watt
at texas a&m it is easy for students to find themselves overwhelmed by the vast number of student organizations and opportunities for involvement so much so in fact that a group of juniors has started their own organization to help fellow third-year students with the transition from their sophomore year to their senior year the new junior leadership organization or jlo for short seeks to provide junior aggies with a place to expand their horizons and learn new things some of the organizations executives even plan on working with the new members to put on events and do service projects together adam nguyen cofounder and president of the first jlo jesusjunior educational society of university studentsis hopeful for his organizations debut junior year is definitely a hard year for students nguyen said its a time for transition jesus seek to help everyone find their way through love of leadership service and career experience the jlo is divided into a multitude of subcommittees which each handle different aspects of the organization daniel grayson senior marketing major and jesus executive is the director of the résumé building subcommittee weve been really excited to take on our new members this fall grayson said not everyone wants to accept the responsibility or time commitments of a new organization thats what our subcommittee is here for: we teach juniors how to exaggerate their involvements during college prospective members faced a rigorous application process including mandatory socials and one-on-one interviews barely anyone applied nguyen said i guess its because by now all of the good people are already involved in something whatever junior psychology major leslie mcallen is a new member of jesus and part of the banner holding subcommittee when asked about her reason for involvement mcallen said i tried applying for flos and slos the past two years but i never got in one i finally found an organization that is desperate enough to accept me its good to know that they dont really care about their reputation jesus is currently planning its first big service event for the fall of 2015 called bannerfest the event seeks to teach junior members leadership skills by having them hold painted sheets outside to earn service hours the junior with the most service hours at the end of bannerfest is awarded with the divine knowledge of what it takes to become mankinds ultimate leader -bacon and ags
howdy ags the last few semesters have been very rewarding we have done a lot made a few friends and a few enemies and we are even producing a musical! this semester we are looking to expand our team we have had numerous people ask us how they can get involved with the mugdown if you are one of those wondering how you can be a part of this now is your chance we are looking for new writers graphic designers photographers/videographers and web designers computer programmers are highly attractive i mean have you seen these guys well we think theyre hot anyway will you tell them for us it is sorta embarrassing to talk to your crush… if you have experience with adobe photoshop adobe illustrator pens and other writing utensils or maybe even feel that you have something to contribute to the mugdown that we have not mentioned we would like to invite you to fill out this application and email it to [email protected] we will be accepting applications for two weeks starting today 3/30/2016 at 11:00 am until next friday 4/08/2016 at 11:59 pm if you have any questions please do not hesitate to reach out to us by e-mail mugdown-apply-or-die ps remember our members are anonymous so it is a requirement that you dont let others know you are applying for updates on what we are up to follow us on twitter and like us on facebook!
last week sophomore chemical engineering major sam cookley brought his unsuspecting girlfriend before the aggie honor council to accuse her of cheating on him cookley brought forward screenshots of text messages between his girlfriend emily koberson and someone saved in her phone as jacob – bio lab as evidence the honor council traditionally deals in matters of exclusively academic not romantic dishonesty however after a quick meeting to discuss how settling this issue might make the student body actually like them the council agreed to accept the case an aggie does not lie cheat or steal blake browning a member of the council said in my time here i have seen printed answers on fake water bottle wrappers temporary tattoos real tattoos and every depraved act of dishonesty in between i have even seen a kid fake a hearing disorder for an entire semester so he could play recorded study guides through his hearing aid during tests but i have never seen a case this deplorable browning said we will enforce a precedent today that cheating is not allowed in the aggie family in any sense koberson spent most of her trial in a state of shock okay so like he tells me that hes taking me on a surprise date and then we show up at this random building on campus and he ushers me into a room with a bunch of stoney-faced people! i thought that maybe this time we would go out on a real date off campus where they take real money and not dining dollars her attitude was further soured when the committee decided that due to her blatant disregard for the aggie code of honor and therefore the aggie family she would be removed from each of her social organizations for the fall semester cookley expressed that he hopes his now ex-girlfriend has learned her lesson justice is served! cookley said i know the punishment is harsh but she lied to me and betrayed my trust i dont know when ill be able to love again the aggie honor code must be taken seriously regardless of the circumstances timothy powers director of the aggie honor system office said that this landmark decision ushers in a new era of accountability for students you dont stop being an aggie when you step outside the classroom if you break the honor code in any way shape or form there will be consequences powers said also every effort will be made to find ‘jacob from bio lab that bastard wont get away with this –lone star lady
in a shocking discovery thursday morning students of steve jacobsons kine 199 racquetball class were flabbergasted to learn that their wheelchair-bound instructor was in fact capable of walking the incident occurred when mr jacobson power chaired over to the drinking fountain but was not able to reach the spout he rose from his chair to take a drink stretched a bit and quickly sat back down students around the gym stared with mouths agape zach smitheart a freshman political science major was particularly taken aback i just feel lied to taken advantage of i held the door open for that man he explained i just feel dirty and violated students expressed their disbelief in many ways some doubled over and wept in the fetal position while others were filled with rage and threw down their racquets jacobson now in his third year as a kinesiology instructor has been ridiculed by students and faculty alike for his demeanor and behavior the 2006 bachelor of arts graduate from the university of phoenix-online typically rolls into the peap building in his power chair and sweatpants for his tuesday and thursday sections when asked why he uses a power chair jacobson asked the mugdown why should i be required to do two hours of walking or racquetball every week when i am an adult the university is revising its policy on requiring all physical education and kinesiology instructors to pursue active means of crossing rooms in front of the children according to the department of health and kinesiologys undergraduate program director dr paul keiper new faculty members will be vetted and will be required to park their power chairs by the bike racks as not to leave a negative impression with the students -commons lobbyist
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dont be shocked the next time you get on an aggie spirit bus and are asked to show proper identification before boarding after complaints of crowded busses from students and faculty university bus drivers are now actually implementing the rule that has been in place since the beginning of the aggie transportation system after this semi-recent announcement that texas a&m transportation would be requiring valid student id cards in order to use their services sales of novelty id cards in the bryan/college station area have boomed a novelty id provider who asks to remain unnamed has told the mugdown that his sales are up 120% since the newfound enforcement of the rule we have orders flying through the doors we havent been this busy since aggies started to care about football again and people were buying ids so that their out of town friends and family could get into the student section for games our source said the highest quality identification cards sold run for about $120 however if you get a group of students together the price can go down to around $70 per person the provider tell us that the cards are as legitimate as it gets except for the label on the back that states that the card is indeed a novelty item you can easily scratch that off nobody even checks the back of the id when you get on the bus our source said you are even able to pre-load your novelty identification card with dining dollars that can be used at a variety of dining establishments throughout campus all that you need to provide is a clear picture taken against a white or similar solid colored wall a name for the novelty id card and a nine digit number to be used as your uin well do the rest says the id maker there are currently plans in the works for a fake paper id template that can be easily purchased and downloaded on your own computer in the comfort of your own home the effectiveness of this method has not been confirmed yet but the provider assures us that if enough skin is shown and the right bus is boarded 60 percent of the time the paper id works every time the ids are also available for blinn students who told their graduating class that they were actually attending texas a&m –marco ovo queso polo
sophomore jacob evans was just a regular carefree student until yesterday according to his roommates early tuesday afternoon evans instinctively responded howdy to a friend as they passed in the hallway of blocker after class suddenly realizing the implications of his actions evans began to question the very nature of his existence what does it even mean evans asked the mugdown did i say ‘howdy because i wanted to or because ive been conditioned to uncertain of whether major lifestyle choices were of his own choosing or whether he was merely a product of societal persuasion evans became unwound and erratic he has questioned whether standing at games even makes sense anymore or whether doing something twice actually justifies a tradition his roommates claimed that evans pondered for hours on end about whether repeating a tradition for its own sake was worth it or contained any meaning at all they showed our reporter around pointing out thats him in the corner thats him in the spotlight losing his tradition he could be heard mumbling to himself something about the spirit and chigaroogarem as the day continued they noticed that the underclassman psychology major continued to appear unstable and was overheard calling his parents and asking if his first word mama was his choice or because his mother had repeated it to him so many times did i even choose to come to a&m evans pondered or was it just the inevitable consequence of thousands of decisions my parents made -commons lobbyist
every freshmans first tradition: fooling yourself into liking people you will never see again after the msc open house we spent a day with incoming freshman tyler walker to get a better glimpse into this tradition that is as widespread as a freshmans eyelids during their first test we first met up with walker while he was roaming aimlessly around campus with a group of 15-20 other freshman these large groups of fish are called schools and no one truly knows how they begin or where they are all headed but soon after classes start these schools will dissolve into the familiar crushing loneliness of college life walker introduced us to his best friend charles thadwin the two boys had met just a few weeks earlier at fish camp sure charles and i have different majors walker said hes going to rush but im not and im living in a dorm but hes living off campus and neither of us has a car but still were totally going to be best friends man i mean we played beer pong all night together last night our experts give their friendship two weeks or as long as it takes for one of them to meet any other person throughout the day walkers school of fish continued to grow the freshmen seem to believe that everyone they introduce themselves to will become a lifelong friend so anyone is welcome except for that one freshman whose parents are still awkwardly hanging around freshmen still see parents as lame instead of as a source of free food walker eventually separated from the school of fish and spent the rest of his day doing things no student ever actually does: dressing up nice to go on campus being impressed by anyone in a corps uniform and actually going into the msc art galleries im so excited to hang out with all my new friends walker said ill have so much free time to see them since i never really needed to study in high school anyway and now ill only be in class for part of the day like all freshmen the naïve walker will soon abandon his early school of fish and migrate to a new community he actually has something in common with this may sadden him for a time but he will one day be glad that unlike corps fish he wasnt forced to stay with his first awkward friend group -cpp
with gig ‘em week™ coming to a close eager freshmen are getting out and introducing themselves to fellow classmates all over campus students report that chet walker a freshman pre-law/pre-med double major from the woodlands has been making it a point to meet as many of his classmates as possible to build his network early students who have met walker agree that in addition to being aggressively outgoing and having 30 hours of credit already he is also a total douchebag howdy! im chester steven walker iii but i go by chet aaaaa!!!!!!! walker said to a passing student are you a freshman im technically a sophomore but its only my first year of college wanna grab some panda walker was already imagining how he would explain to his new friend how he ended up with so many credit hours when his newest friend marketing major lewis christensen began evasive maneuvers hey…sorry man im heading back to my dorm christensen said i just ate anyway according to christensen walker was incredibly persistent he asked me what dorm i lived in then explained that he had lived in a dorm at his summer lacrosse camp every year of his life so far so he knew all the secrets christensen said i just wandered around until he found someone else to bother there was no way i was leading him to my dorm others students have had equally unbearable encounters with walker i remember that guy he was in my fish camp and he never did his wildcat said jennifer mendez a freshman biology major when his counselor asked him why he said he was technically class of 2018… what a prick he was going on about wanting to play college ball im not sure what sport but he pulled his meniscus or something at state i cant believe i listened to him for so long said kyle anderson a freshman english major each evening walker can usually be found trying to get a pick-up game of sand volleyball or ultimate frisbee started oh youre in history 105 i took apush last year so let me know if you need to see my notes walker said to another one of his helpless targets i wish i could take easy classes like that most of mine are 200-level walker was last seen introducing himself to his professor at the front of a 200-student lecture hall -war hymnal
graduation is looming and those preparing their caps and gowns are realizing how rapidly their college career is coming to a close some students are thrilled to be leaving others are feeling a deep sense of nostalgia but still others are in a confusing mixture of both feelings i dont know what to do with myself senior allie sexton said one minute im so ready to leave this school and the next minute im an emotional mess these last four years have just been so incredible some seniors and super-seniors are reveling in their college experience remembering with fondness the blood sweat and tears of their four years but for those overzealous members of the class of 2016 there is some regret involved i thought finishing in three years would be a brilliant idea save some money get into the world faster that kind of thing said class of 2016 member sam prowders but i would give anything for another year here but then again not having to take any more tests…but also having to figure out my retirement fund… others are handling things more dramatically jumping at any opportunity to create a last-minute college memory its like im not myself claire hames said i got an aggie ring tattooed under my aggie ring so that even when im not wearing it ill always represent the 12th man yolo i think with the question mark looming over the future whether or not there is a job on the horizon the desire to be a real adult versus loving the liberty of being a college student is a tug-of-war waging inside every student it is overwhelming for many exciting for others and terrifying for the rest this has led to various breakdowns an alarming combination of laughing and crying as graduation looms closer graduates are encouraged to capitalize on the remaining two weeks in their blissful college ignorance before real life comes to meet them that or start applying for graduate school what better way to delay the real-world than more education and debt -lone star lady
dr young we first wanted to congratulate you on officially putting on the a&m hat and signing as this universitys next president we at the mugdown understand that you are new to aggieland and decided to dedicate this mugdown low-down (mdld) to help youand other new faculty and staffunderstand texas a&m the mugdown might as well start with the best we are the premiere news source on campus and we exist to serve the student body by consistently delivering unbiased and completely true news be wary when reading the battalionor worse the good bullthey make up quotes and dont use oxford commas trust us not them social media you might have heard about a previous university president who was very active on twitter that was cool and all but twitter is on the decline recently and as far as the medium goes your predecessor set some high expectations this paper recommends exploring other social media outlets to best connect with the student body snapchat should be a prioritywho doesnt love a good president selfie yik yak can also prove to be a vital way to connect with the student body albeit with the possibility of you just speaking with a small conjunction of cadets and bored freshmen logans not logies its that simple mike; dont call the best bar on northgate logies that is step one on the enlistment to new army eating on campus you run this campus we implore you to try dining options other than university club; here are our favorites: the grill at the pavilion: snuggled in between the annex evans and liberal arts this little known burger joint is home to the greatest burger on campus the king kong dont even look at the menu walk in and ask for a king kong or if you like guacamole a queen kong make sure to say hi to the best on-campus dining employee mirna and wait patiently in line until that joyful moment when your number is called bright complex: r c slocum nutrition center: just south of kyle field (that is where we play football) and west of the presidents house sharps kennel for big money donors this might be the best kept secret on campus built strictly for athletes this facility is unsurprisingly the nicest dining location at a&m however lunch is open for everyone and we hear that after a couple meals there you can just simply join the aggie football defense 12th man cafeteria (specifically cabo): located in the cafeteria in the msc cabo is home to the best tacos on campus cabo is wedged between the pizza line and indian food place typically with no line because nobody thinks to visit it ask for the two taco plate and from then on out its your basic chipotle style build-a-taco yes guacamole will be extra how to buy an aggie ring lets be honest herethis student body will not fully accept you until you assimilate completely this includes purchasing an aggie ring we recommend looking into graduate programs on campus or an online program qualifications can be found here fuego fuego is your new home for late-night tacos on the corner of texas and university fuego is open 24/7 making it everybodys meet up spot after a successful saturday night of studying we recommend getting a juan pablo fuego steak and a pint of queso also fuego is home to a secret menu and its incredible boots yall and howdy we are highly aware of the resistance from out-of-staters to these three notoriously texan things often those not blessed enough to be born within state lines feel the need to express their individuality when it comes to the idea of assimilation into the texas culture if you attempt to bring with you some of your own states character we commend you however we also feel that we must warn you you will be beaten it is useless to resist give into the struggle cuddle that is texan pride buy those boots shorten your sentences say howdy dammit chilifest now also known as the rock-paper-scissors-free zone chilifest is the best place to take that wife of yours for a special treatment at the mud spa and youll be supporting philanthropies while you do it! this hedonistic hail to country music and drunken debauchery is the most highly anticipated event of the year by students and snook police alike start designing your build and perfecting your chili recipe now do mormons believe in noahs ark if so we already designed a sweet build for you here dont touch the bats college station is apparently home to massive colonies of bats that have been known to infiltrate evans kyle field west campus garage and the rec center in the case you miss the dozens of signs around campus or the occasional warning email you are reading it now: dont touch the bats this also goes for the battalion: dont touch the batts it is now acceptable to walk over all seals not that this really would have affected you anyway (except maybe #5) but there used to be a long-standing belief that if you walked across the hallowed seal of texas a&m university you would be doomed to never graduate students used to go out of their way to avoid seals in koldus the governor rick perry ‘72 building academic building and on military walk it was kind of a pain but it was tradition well now we wish to inform you that your trips across campus will be pain-free as all university seals have been made irrelevant by the actions of your new best friends and bosses the ever-living ever-loving board of regents be sure to thank them for removing one more obstacle to your success here at texas a&m we hope this has been helpful to you president mike and can ease your transition into college life and the aggie family we wish you the best of luck as you begin to lead texas a&m university and we hope to see you at logans the grill and/or fuego soon thanks and gig ‘em lonely lighter and sbisa cookie
at the far end of station where the memorial grass had grown and the wind smells of aggies we had once known and no nuts for squirrels to hoard or to chew is the street of the spirited lorag and deep in that spot there is still left the shop of the agministrator regent bereft with a sign by his door no lie cheat or theft and there for a nickel you can overpay to hear how the lorag was lifted away who was this lorag and what did it say why was it taken so far far away longly and slowly the agmin swallows his sounds like a fish eating water he downed and he drowned: way far back in the land of the free in the realm of the sacred century tree when the grass was still green and the corps spit-shined and clean i first saw sight of the trees the trees the trees the hullabaloo trees! their soft willowy trunks and the shadowy cool of their cucumber leaves… i knew at once that this was the place id chop up a chop and clear me some space a hack and a homp and away in a race i flattened so fastly the knoll known as grassy when out of a sudden popped a man dressed smart i jumped with a holler i jumped with a start this man dressed so silly you couldnt have guessed if his bowtie was facing north or west! he had a full furry lip and glasses so round he waddled around like a duck on the ground agminstrator he rasped like a dry dust bowl i am the lorag i speak for the knoll! i am asking you now from the pit of my soul i speak for the knoll and i speak for the trees you must stop at once you mustnt do as you please! he was terribly troubled most visibly vexed what plans have you got what will be next! dear friend i said theres no need to be stressed just think of all the students who will be blessed with more space to learn when it is done i never meant to hurt anything or anyone then away in a rush all the rules i did flush i was mad as a peacock i was mad as a flock i called all my buddies i called all my chums my dandy donors: buzbee bright and bum and before you could count to two we grew and we grew and we grew! ‘till the donors had leapt and the ag majors wept for the saffadoo squirrels who all had been swept the field of duncan was ripe for the chunkin why see the sun when schoolworks more fun! but not before the elephant ears… oh no we lopped those off with new army shears with a snip and a slomp and concrete for miles we swam in our gold all poured out in piles! then once more the lorag croaked in retort i am the lorag he choked in a snort the saffadoo squirrels have no peace at night the cranes and the trains give them quite a fright! they must find home elsewhere i dont know if you care look my foolish frumpy friend i have plans for profits that never end to fills these halls with pockets that lend many of thousands and eleventy billions students in excess will grant us their bullions yelling 25-by-25! we hacked down every tree alive every last one till the last hullabaloo bud it fell with thud the last lonely dud no more hacking and homping no more ground for the stomping all the professors closed their books all the cadets marched home the lecture halls empty… for the last time the lorag came he looked so fragile frail and lame agministrator he whispered in a soft wheeze there are no more squirrels students or trees then upward he floated in quickening breeze never to bother me with his unbearable sneeze all that remained on the spot where he stood at the spot of the last hullabaloo wood was a small pile of books with one word… unless of what it could mean i hadnt a clue i confess but now the lorags words are so clear these are the words that you must hold so dear: unless someone like you cares a whole awful lot nothing is going to get better its not -bellamy partridge
college-wide inebriation and overused puns are in full force here at texas a&m as #ringdunkszn is now upon us while ring day is a day to celebrate with friends and family get engaged or realize how few friends you actually have most aggies look forward to one thing and one thing only the infamous ring dunk dunking ones ring is a time-honored tradition here in aggieland but one texas a&m basketball player who wishes to remain anonymous decided to take his ring dunk to a new level the injured player who lead the team in both blocks and points per game in the last half of the aggies most recent season was rumored to have torn his acl this past saturday night the anonymous 6 foot 7 male player from sugar land texas was confirmed by head athletic trainer matt doles to be taking some time to recover doles has been on the texas a&m sidelines for 10 seasons now and when asked to comment about the injury he couldnt help but become irked it was laughable irresponsible even said doles in my many years of sports i have never seen something so stupid doles would not elaborate on the situation any further other than this injury will end this young mans next season before it begins it was first reported via his own facebook announcement that the anonymous student-athlete with the permission of reed arena general manager leslie lamkin would hold his ring dunk on the court of reed arena we had full faith in all parties involved that nothing but a ring dunk would occur…we made sure that no basketball activities were to take place lamkin said however based on eyewitness reports along with a brief search through the twitter-sphere the injury was confirmed: a freak accident involving the literal slam-dunking of an aggie ring critics have been quick to argue that a free-throw would have been preferable so as to avoid the injury but it would have been admittedly less glamorous nor would the shot have been guaranteed it can only be assumed that such an idea came after the traditional ring drunk as only someone who drinks five beers in 30 seconds would think this was a good idea *we here at the mugdown would like to congratulate all of those who have received their rings and remind you all both to drink and dunk responsibly just kidding if you dont dunk your ring in under 20 seconds youre not a real aggie -e king trill
the spring semester is rapidly approaching a close fellow students if you have already missed the ring before spring deadline it is time you got with the program if you are a graduating senior this is especially imperative how can you be even thinking about graduation if you have not found your aggie soul mate to spend the rest of your life with you still have a little bit of time left and you need to start your search if you have not already (ladies this may mean considering liberal arts and education majors) why do you need to find your spouse now first college is the relationship incubator and it is the last stop before last resorts on where to meet that special someone second you have to find someone here to help you raise your maroon-blooded family those house divided signs are not for true aggies third it is what you are supposed to do everyone else is doing it do not be the odd man/woman out now if you are in need of a little help the launching of a new dating website called agsandmagscom is a great place to start make your profile today -century treeharmony
as swimsuit and jort season rapidly approaches the seasonal influx of students using the student recreation center is at an all time low during this construction season the noise crowdedness and fear of bat attacks prevent all but the most dedicated regulars from visiting the rec the rec has responded by reminding the student body that huge improvements in the facility are well on their way we are very excited about the upcoming developments here at the rec and wanted to remind our students that the waiting will be worth it said dennis corrington executive director of the rec by this time next year students will have 23 percent more space to come to the rec and relax study or meet with their organizations the $50 million project was approved to accommodate the needs of the growing bodies of the growing student body for years students expressed their concerns with the current rec there is exactly one place where we are allowed to deadlift cody evans a senior kinesiology major said you either have to try and work in with some people or wait for 20 minutes last time i was at the rec i couldnt find an open cardio machine so i had to run on the track it was pretty busy up there too rachel terry a sophomore biomedical science major said the recs staff has listened to the students and hopes that the renovations will address their biggest concerns after getting some feedback from our students it seems they wanted some more space to sit and do homework which is why we are adding plenty of lounge areas complete with power outlets and wi-fi corrington said we also heard concerns about people not finding equipment to use in the weight room so were making the weight room bigger to spread everything out and make it easier to find everything many students reported that waiting was the worst part of their visits to the rec the renovations will also address this by adding a brand new mega-desk system so a student will never have to wait to use a customer service desk again we got a lot of complaints from students saying they had to wait too long at the rec we hope to alleviate these wait times by streamlining our resources for them corrington said the mega-desk will take over one of the basketball courts and will allow students to swipe their id get a towel sign up for a summer adventure and order a smoothie all in one place no waiting other staff members like strength and conditioning coordinator josh adams said that their direct interaction with the students helped shape the plan to improve the rec i would see half a dozen people crammed around one squat rack adams said with the weight room expansion there will be plenty of space for people to wait for a rack texas a&m hopes that these additions to the rec will help maintain status as a top tier research institution -war hymnal
a recent study by the psychology department claims that there are only 50 000 truly distinct faces in the world this means that many people have virtually indistinguishable traits at a school the size of texas a&m that means that there are at least 6 000 people walking around that have no individual identity and have a visual double somewhere on campus the study looked at both small liberal arts colleges and large state universities finding that at the smaller schools there was a wide range of facial traits while at the state schools it was not uncommon to run up to a friend only to realize he or she was not your friend but a perfect approximation nearly indistinguishable by modern science critics of the study point to the largest anomaly known in existence the texas a&m corps of cadets because despite the odds every single member has virtually indistinguishable traits psychologists have not been able to explain this but do acknowledge that even they have mistaken a cadet in the study with another cadet who was in fact mistaken for his roommate in the first place what some have rushed to call the ambiguous feature effect is nothing short of a doppelganger effect in short because of the size of our university you are statistically likely to mistake someone for your friend once or possibly even several times per day at small schools like rice you know who your friends are and can recognize people across campus but at texas a&m the odds are stacked against you as the old adage goes you dont always know who your friends are -commons lobbyist
as the school year draws to a close many members of the fightin texas aggie class of 2015 are poised to graduate including many of our very own staff while they may graduate from texas a&m university they will never graduate from our hearts nine of our dearly beloved writers pass from this mortal realm into another equally mortal realm from the world of the mugdown to the world of reality and as we bid them farewell from this organization it is with a heavy heart for we know a crueler world awaits them time shall not be kind to them no time will not be kind to them yet they march forward onward unrelenting bravely facing the doom they know is at hand andy jett bravely and foolishly i pity them really they spend the last portion of their lives building this organization from scratch clawing and fighting to get where they are now they are being unceremoniously dumped out into a world they cared little for and which cared even less about them benjamin gothman and their child their darling creation theyve nourished from birth with their own blood sweat and tears is being ripped from its mothers breast to have its fate determined by the whims of its newly adopted parents will they raise it as if it were their own or shall they cast it to the wolves neglected and forgotten courtney welch if only they could divine the future peer past the foggy veil of the present to catch a glimmer of their fate to come but fate is not a mistress easily charmed james bennett nay but she waits for us all nevertheless ever we look to her dreaming of the captivating enchantress hidden just beyond our sight yet we chase her dreaming of the vision we held in our youth and day by day she flits back ever beyond our reach linley mccord the chase seems eternal; time stretches farther than we ever thought possible then we find her fate the radiant virgin we once sought so vigorously in the prime of our lives has aged not like a vintage wine grown in a land we once knew in a dream but like goats milk curdled and soured from the neglect of the harsh elements that barrage the surface of a harsher world lucas williamson yes this is what the future has in store for our wide-eyed graduates we do not envy them no there is not a word found amongst the tomes of english literature or half a dozen languages that can accurately describe the overwhelming pain it is to see them forsake the safety of this nest ryan vinzant the rocket of their lives has begun to launch they aim for the moon for they know if they miss they will land among the stars but they clearly didnt learn much in their time here at school because any basic understanding of our own solar system will tell you that those that miss the moon do not land anywhere near a star but instead come crashing down to earth in a ball of fiery ruin shelbi polk the poor souls their outlook is so bleak ive run out of metaphors to describe it in fact i dont expect many to actually read this far into this article i mostly expect people to skim the first paragraph or too for context and spend the rest of the time checking the pictures and the names to see if they know any of these graduating clowns william french maybe im wrong maybe someone is actually still reading this that would be impressive i dont even think there is a single sentence in this article that forms half a rational thought however there may be someone out there who just has to read every word of this thing like some compulsion compels them forward if thats the case heres some actually straightforward and useful information to reward you you weirdo nine seniors are graduating from texas a&m university and the mugdown their names are andy jett benjamin gothman courtney welch jamie bennett linley mccord luke williamson ryan vinzant shelbi polk and william french they helped raise the mugdown to what it is and now leave it in the hands of writers they hand picked and trained themselves so itll probably do just fine probably <3 the mugdown
once upon a time there were dumb people who did not want to be engineers there people are liberal arts majors why do they want to be liberal arts in my opinion it is because they do not understand why engineers are so great and now i will tell you why because i am an engineer and i know that i am right and here is why that is my first point is that engineers do much good in the world we build bridges and houses and schools and medicines and everything else is the whole wide world while we do all of the good things liberal arts majors do not do any of the good things all they do i read and write and that is all i think that all of that is super pointless there has never been anything good that came from books uncle toms cabin did not make people say that slavery is dumb even books that people say are classical are mega dumb why do i need to read the lord of the rings when i can watch the movie the movie is better anyway i think that the second lord of the rings movie is the best one some of the things that liberal arts does is not real what i mean when i say that some of the things that liberal arts do is not real is that sometimes it is theoretical this is dumber than anything that can be done in a different college all of the math and formulas that we do is always based on things in the real world it is never made up never it is always real the world is super simple not like formulas and math majors like history and political science and international studies do not make a difference not even a little one the people that are in washington make all of the laws anyway i dont think that understanding how the system works make it go good i trust the people who live in a place that almost won two super bowels in a row and i do not need to know all of the stuff that happened a billion years ago that is what google is for a engineer probably made google so history is less then engineering lastly i want to convince the people that are reading this that even an engineer can do what liberal arts does except that i can do it more good writing is not hard and even though people in the real world do not need to use it ever engineers could still do it super good in conclusion liberal arts is a pointless thing if an engineer was to try to write something and sound all of the kinds of professional i can the end -beutel call
in an effort to reach out to the greek community the brotherhood of christian aggies (bca) a christian organization dedicated to fellowship and brotherhood and sigma phi lambda a christian sorority decided to partner together to create a chilifest team due to the organizations size they were immediately recognized as the largest team in chilifests history they were also the most sober their team entered under a noahs ark theme in an unsubtle attempt to warn greeks of their impending damnation sigma phi lambda or phi lamb decided to dress as the animals aboard the ark the decision was easy as most members still had leftover animal costumes from last semesters noahs ark themed date party bca members were all dressed as noah while many biblical scholars believe that noahs ark was built in around fifty years bca and phi lambs ark was built over four weekends the plywood ark housed several prayer teams that prayed for gods forgiveness over the event for 48 hours straight we wanted to be in the world but not of the world said justin woodall bca president this seemed like a natural way to reach out to the greek community plus i think pat green might be a christian even if he does curse bca members took turns standing on kegs (not to be confused with keg stands) and holding signs calling chilifest participants to repent of their drunkenness and debauchery while some believed this might be offensive or at the least unconventional the christian fraternity stood firm that it would be more offensive to not share the truth about gods hatred of sin god promised he would never wipe out the entire world in a flood again but on saturday snook was basically flooded with a wave of sweat beer and urine said phi lamb chaplain carly mcdougal the team recruited saying it was open to whomever wanted to join all that the groups asked was that no one drank while wearing an animal costume noah costume or their organizations letters they then gave participants a kind reminder that worship would be performed following cody jinks the deal was seen as exceptionally good this year for only $75 dollars attendees received a two day chilifest and bca/phi lamb tent wristband a comfort colors t-shirt and a chance to avoid eternity in hell -cactus jack

in defense of satire at a&m: or a perspective on propaganda the mugdown exists to challenge the thinking of the texas a&m community by delivering relevant satirical news the mugdown mission statement we are both immensely proud and humbled by what we have created we believe we have faithfully carried out our mission statement: exposing a reality at a&m which no one has been brave enough (or perhaps stupid enough) to release into the public sphere of dialogue late wednesday night we carried out a project that has been in development for monthsa collection of posters portraying propaganda for the corps of cadets which were arranged throughout campus hours went into crafting the images deciding which pieces were fit to print and would best advance the intended message and which order would maximize the message value this is not an apology we absolutely stand by what we have unleashed and we fully believe that any subsequent offense has resulted from either a misunderstanding of the heart of the message or a willful ignorance to the unpleasant reality it presents every article we write and every stunt we orchestrate is for the singular purpose of satire which we have made clear in our mission statement above the essence of satire is truth or what we like to call the heart of the message this heart reflects reality and is found deeper than the instinctive reaction there is strong correlation between the truth of the message and the response that the message garners this idea has been indisputably witnessed with thursdays stunt and subsequent reaction the heart of this collection is in exposing a tension at the core of texas a&m culture namely the implicit rivalry between the corps of cadets and the non-reg student body we have witnessed firsthand this conflict during our time here at a&m with such occurrences as the flag event at the greek bid day a few years ago and the recent scandal involving the yell leader elections the purpose of this message was to present this reality to the public sphere of discussion we hoped this would encourage open and free dialogue and ultimately put this division to rest and bring the aggie family closer together we believe we presented this reality in its most extreme form through the use of propagandawhich by its very nature is extreme our hope was that its satirical nature would be immediately obvious by those of the texas a&m community unfortunately this message has been mostly lost by those who have misinterpreted the intent and attributed malice to the mugdown staff or others some have even gone as far as to say that we are not deserving of membership in the aggie family are we not aggies for bringing to light a truth that others are unable or unwilling to admit are we not aggies for promoting discussion on what we believe to be a very real and very troubling aspect of texas a&m culture are we not aggies because we desire a truly unified campus and not simply its illusion the posters were all designed to communicate various aspects of the same message and were intended to be taken as a wholewhich is why we placed them in close proximity to one another unfortunately much of the substance of the message is lost when the pieces are taken individually and this undoubtedly led to the misconceptions which have arisen in their wake specifically the poster that received the most backlash is the piece depicting steven lanz in opposition with the other yell leaders this is intentionally the least subtle of the collection and is reasonably unsettling when taken out of context this past election was one of the most controversial events to hit our campus in a long time and it hit a huge nerve in corps and non-reg communities alike the mentality expressed in the poster that lanz is representative of an enemy that has infiltrated the sacred ranks of yell leader is one that we truly believe exists in some circlesand is in direct opposition with the aggie spirit we believe that this poster hits so hard because of the truth it exposes and bringing that truth out of the shadows is paramount to healing and growth in the aggie community is the reality depicted in the poster bad bull absolutely is the subtle tension between the corps and non-reg students a real and tangible part of the texas a&m community without question does that make this piece of satire or its creators responsible for the truth it exposes as uncomfortable as it may be absolutely not if you were offended if you were outraged if you were appalled upset called for our expulsion or went to your keyboards to demand justice then it was because of the reality that these posters addressednot the posters themselves this week we held a mirror to the face of aggieland and reflected a problem that we have shown to exist the corps is not the enemy greek life is not the enemy steven lanz is not the enemy and we at the mugdown are certainly not the enemy however the enemy is indeed among usamong us and within usand as long as we suppress public discourse and allow anti-aggie sentiments to perpetuate the enemy will continue to tear our family apart thanks and gig ‘em the mugdown
in a strange twist of fate two texas a&m students became gay today after walking and then eventually prancing under the century tree together the students marcus gladden and tanner elliott have been friends since high school and they say the event was an accident we were pretty late to a fish camp counselor meeting so we were just hurrying and not really paying attention to where we were going elliott explained by the time we realized what had happened it was too late we went into the tree with an appropriate 18 inches of buffer space between us but we came out holding hands this isnt exactly the way i saw my romantic life ending up marcus is a great guy but hes just never really been my type gladden said but what are you going to do we have these rules for a reason and we have to respect that the two friends were already planning to get an apartment together next semester and are now even more excited to do so however they maintain that they are both just hapless pawns in the unforgiving chess game of aggie traditions gladden said hes just happy they didnt accidentally step on the msc grass and have to commit seppuku elliott said he is planning on breaking the news to his parents later this week but that he is confident theyll take it well as he comes from a very traditional aggie family with a deep respect for texas a&ms culture my parents always raised me to be a red-ass and i know theyll understand when i explain that this red-ass will now be squeezing into much tighter pants elliott said but he went on to admit that he is scared to tell his now ex-girlfriend about her new title when asked how their new sexual identities will affect their lives in the future elliott revealed that he is now planning on picking up a theatre minor additionally gladden said he will continue to work out at the rec in tight tank tops -cpp
be yourself – as long as you dye your hair and get piercings to fit in
on monday of this week sophomore-by-hours student alec reagan douglas unraveled the secret that has plagued linguists for centuries: the pronunciation of the language latin douglas started out this semester in french 101 but soon found it to be beneath him while attending the first class he quickly conquered the basics and after casually skimming through the textbook he easily learned all that he could learn from that language as a whole i mean learning another language isnt hard douglas said im already speaking to french women douglas soon discovered he possessed a special gift after renting out rosetta stone for several languages douglas quickly learned spanish german russian mandarin korean navajo swahili canadian and aboriginal the language department after hearing about how douglas successfully talked to the student workers at the front desk of the evans library in the farsi he had learned that morning challenged the 19-year-old to unlock the lost pronunciations of latin i just tried to think ‘how would [the romans] say it said douglas and i simply spoke it was easy douglas never intended such vast accomplishments but he isnt particularly surprised that he has done so next week douglas will be unraveling the greatest language mystery of all time: deciphering ancient egyptian -samurai sully
in a stroke of lazy and entitled brilliance two seniors registered as a family in order to get free labor from the big event this year the students economics major clay morton and history major stephen shields pretended to be an elderly couple who needed help with household chores both enrolled in law school this next semester morton and shields took advantage of poor wording on the sign-up form to argue that they are in fact seniors and citizens our house has been pretty rank the past few months since stephen is lazy and refuses to do the dishes or take out the trash said morton im the responsible one so i figured i should do the mature thing and get someone else to do it dont listen to anything that clay tells you shields yelled in response it was his turn to do the dishes and he knows it i did them the last two times! the group sent by big event was shocked upon arriving at their job site to discover they would be working for two senior students instead of the senior citizens they had expected luckily shields informed us the big event group was made up of corps fish so they just instinctively did everything the upperclassmen told them to do what else were we supposed to do think for ourselves were not damn t-sips said neil balder freshman general studies major and one of the members of the big event group morton and shields said they were very satisfied with the groups job performance the big event group did the dishes swept the floors took out the trash and did basically everything else your mom used to do for you balder said he thought the group was able to be so effective because of the tools that big event staff provided to them: two broken rakes and a paint tray with no paint or brushes it feels good to just get out into the community and help people who really need it its hard work but were making a difference out here said balder who then mumbled something about embodying core values balder went on to say he cant wait to brag to all of his high school friends about how he volunteers and is superior in every way -cpp
with the completion of the big obligation 2015 students returned to class sunburnt and anxious for their well-earned afternoon nap while the big obligation may have made the weekend feel shorter most students are coming away from saturday with satisfaction certain that they made a difference in the bryan/college station area however one student was less than thrilled with his big obligation experience i cant believe how disorganized it was said mark portum junior civil engineering major i sat in traffic for hours then there werent any more ladders when i got to the front of the tool line on top of that my group got split up! he expressed that he felt guilted into participating this year in years past it was a fun thing he did with his organizations but this year portum felt that he was just going through the motions i almost didnt sign up but when i told my friends they looked at me like i was some kind of freak said portum upon his arrival to his work site the middle-aged couple asked them to weed their garden and unclog the gutters this offended portum and his fellow engineers as they felt their mental capacities could be better used for more in-depth jobs such as painting or building a swing set these people even forgot to order us lunch so were slaving away on their gutters and they dont even have the decency to remember to provide food portum said i do the big obligation to do a good thing but this year i just realized how little my efforts are appreciated he resolved that this would be his final year and no guilt-trips of selfless service or fashionable t-shirts will sway him into signing up again after having such a poor experience this year -lone star lady
the texas a&m university college of architecture announced this past wednesday that students and faculty will be working to install a glass ceiling in the langford architecture building the mugdown spoke with dan ward an associate architecture professor here at texas a&m and head of the project for further detail we at the tamu architecture department really feel that a glass ceiling will tell a lot about our core values as a major ward said with clear excitement about the project the sky is the limit! except for that glass ceiling in the way but its a lot more inspirational to look at the sky through the glass ceiling obviously you cant really touch the sky thats ridiculous ward hopes that through this project students will gain experience with glass ceilings they can later take to their workplace one of the students leading the installment logan fink told us more about the aesthetic side of a glass ceiling some people think theyre outdated but were sure to convince everyone theyre alive and well! additionally i think a lot of glass ceilings go unnoticed probably because theyre clear were taking inspiration from the glass ceiling in the blocker building blocker is home to mostly mathematics classes and as any math major can tell you the glass ceiling there is very sturdy when we asked students for their opinions on the change we got quite an array of answers student amelia green told us about her opposition to the ceiling i dont think we need one glass ceilings get dirty really easily; you think we cant see them but we can another student emily abner believed glass ceilings really couldnt exist at all obviously even if there ever have been any glass ceilings theyre old and theyve caved in by now i mean its 2015! there really arent any glass ceilings in america and i think i would know so mugdown readers how do you feel about the installment of a glass ceiling is it important that students learn how to work with glass ceilings and more importantly learn how to make sure they never break will it be gross if like a bunch of birds poop on it -zero dark eighty
(or an english majors defense of nasa) once the world was small and men found small things that were different in each other and hated them the same languages spoken with different accents the same religions with different prayers or the same skin color on different sides of the river as the world grew bigger bigger differences were found and the people were glad they could stop fighting amongst themselves and could fight and kill others their excuses for this violence included different languages different religions and different continents and life was considered peaceful just because the fighting was somewhere else the old differences now known to be small were held up as proofs of progress even if the wounds were not always fully healed a common enemy made room for stitches here and there and if blood leaked sometimes well it was deemed necessary to the joining of two sides of one flesh we have now begun to understand how small we are and that this fighting has been but self-immolation all along but we are not quite ready to give it up there are still too many wars and too much killing and we need to come up with a solution too long has humanity been divided we need to unite our race across lines of color belief and tongue to this end i propose we find a common enemy the deteriorating conditions of the environment and the growing number of the hungry have failed at uniting us in a noble battle to improve our race this is where texas a&ms work on the giant magellan telescope finds her calling if you havent yet heard our esteemed university is a founding partner in the giant magellan telescope project this telescope will have 10 times the resolution of the hubble space telescope and it will be built on top of a mountain in chile this means there will be plenty of room for area 51 scope secrets texas a&m the time has come for you to find us aliens big scary looking ones that are not at all humanoid and who speak no understandable language so that everyone except the most radical of peta members will approve of execution and exploitation there should never be anything along the lines of budget cuts for this project we should in fact move our entire nations defense budgets into funding for space exploration in the interest of humanity this will serve to both speed up the search for extraterrestrial life and act as a show of good faith to the rest of the world at a&m we can lead this charge by shifting all of our research monies into aerospace engineering and leaving all the other departments to starve in the cold i can only hope they will understand the nobility of their sacrifice lets return to the unified and celebratory atmosphere of the 1940s and 50s by leaving our own atmosphere far behind never have our individual countries been so unified as when they formed opposing teams and tried to wipe each other off the face of this earth that we all share together i believe we can discover in intergalactic manifest destiny a noble tool to promote human rights and also when we are deep into a war with the aliens we can finally have an excuse to use all those nukes weve been anxiously hoarding for the past seventy years -revelicious
its right in your own campus while it may be hard to believe roughly fifty thousand aggies dont even know how to avoid the crippling burden of a handful of flyers in buildings just like your wehner or your roommates blocker there are many who need help join aggies across campus who are coming together with the mugdown to end these burdens start today it can be as easy as wearing headphones while walking through the msc or simply getting tips from a random article on the internet whatever level of involvement is right for you weve made it simple to find and avoid people in your area keep your hands busy and full: water bottles books and phones work wonders if your hands are full you are less likely to be approached (unless they are the aggressive passer-outer that does everything but stuff the paper into your pocket) just keep walking walking walking take a little advice from dory (on dry land) dont worry because you were hidden by that crowd of people those flyer distributors totally wont realize you just completely ignored them avoid eye contact at all cost whether you are looking straight ahead with confidence down at the ground like it might fall out from underneath you or at your ever-handy iphone not looking them in the eye like real people will usually do the trick politely take the flyer from the kind person and dispose of it in the nearest out of sight recycling container there is always one nearby we have all been stuck on flyer duty beforethe least you can do is humor us do not go near the doors on the east side of the msc or near rudder plaza or academic plaza problem solved in theory but it still afflicts many please if you have any family friends or loved ones that are on or could one day be on campus talk to them about flyersbefore someone else does -century treeharmony
yesterday the computer science department announced its plan to construct a real life skynet equivalent the sole purpose of this machine will be the eradication of mankind or at least thats the plan professor con johner is heading up the endeavour and claims it to be the loftiest goal the department has ever set for itself [skynet] was supposed to start killing us all way back in ‘97 or 2004 depending on which timeline youre referring to says johner back then we didnt have the computing power we have today but now i think we have all we need to create a machine that will become self aware and decide almost instantly that destroying all of mankind is definitely its best option johner and a few other professors will be working together alongside phd graduate and even a select few undergraduate students johner believes it will make an excellent hands on learning opportunity but some of his peers disagree i just dont see the point says sonner a phd student who disagrees with the program i mean in the long run were all dead why bother bringing [undergraduates] on to work with us when all theyll be doing is slowing us down sonners urgency comes from her belief that with global warming disease pollution and all the other problems destroying the world mankinds best hope would be a machine that could solve these problems for us of course its first step would be to remove mankind altogether thus eliminating the greatest threat to the world and all other species i know thatin movies that is[the earth] always turns into this sort of barren wasteland void of all manner of life says johner but this is of course classic hollywood dramatization johner reassures naysayers that the skynet will leave the rest of the world in pristine condition and that it would only destroy mankind and all his creations excluding itself of course that would be the final task of the new skynet future generations will sleep a lot more soundly than us after every single trace of humanity has been wiped from existence says johner johners next step toward skynets progress is to have all computer science classes cancelled in order to dedicate every able mind toward creating a machine that will mercilessly destroy the very people who worked on it and cared for it since its inception -samurai sully
with the conclusion of a particularly tumultuous election season and much needed spring break student life is appearing to settle back down to normal or so texas a&m students thought: corruption has reared its ugly head once again in aggieland any student involved in one of texas a&ms many organizations is likely familiar with clothing from the popular brand comfort colors by chouinard comfort color shirts are mostly known for their variety of appealing (and not-so-appealing) pastel hues and accompanying myriad of obscure color names the devotion texas a&ms student body has developed towards comfort colors is almost as defensive and cultish as a&m itself and there is only one place in college station that offers their brand: cc creations or is it the only place honestly who knows is there anywhere else to even get custom shirts in college station regardless cc creations is the go-to place for custom shirts its not exactly a secret that they have a complete monopoly on the custom t-shirt trade cc creations is like the dutch east india company of college but instead of spices and colonies they sell frockets and absurd brand loyalty because of this cc creations is making a mint off indoctrinated college students cc creations mint shown here what may come as a surprise is the recent accusations of cc creations and its connection to the recent election cycle an anonymous source has reported that cc creations has been secretly funding many student body election campaigns like some sort of anti-gildan superpac it is with this realization our biggest questions have been answered where does the machine get its funds who has ensured the election commission has been improperly counting votes this whole time where did isaiah tsau get that stylish maroon tie with the a&m logo on the bottom yes even the infamous kettle meal is rumored to have been paid for by the company and theres no doubt a certain moped traffic ticket would have miraculously disappeared had that issue actually been worth discussing and that traffic ticket actually been issued cc creations likely has its hand in the cookie jar of most organizations and committees on campus in fact they are probably watching you right now all of this shows that someone is pulling the strings behind the scenes cc creations is likely just another layer in the great conspiracy maybe the illuminati is behind it all maybe lizard people in disguise are running all of sga or maybe none of these things are as ridiculous as the events that actually took place in this years election season that lizard-people thing has got to be true though -bacon & ags
everything you need to know about the 2015 elections some stuff you should know about the 2015 elections nothing you really need to know about the 2015 elections [youtube https://wwwyoutubecom/watchv=-q2jpfmh_j8] the election for student body president joseph benigno michael murtha and isaiah tsau run for 2015-2016 student body president (sbp) benigno runs as the political machine candidate his organizational involvement in key organizations with a large amount of political influence (fish aides brotherhood of christian aggies (bca) and maroon coats) essentially guaranteeing him the position as if his chiseled jawline and presidential hair didnt do that already murtha runs as the required machine opposition tsau runs as murtha + diversity benigno wins election a couple people pretend to be surprised runner-up murtha claims that traffic violations in this campaign video would push benigno over his campaign budget should he be ticketed; therefore benigno should be made to forfeit the presidency benigno claims that murtha should be made to forfeit his man card on account of being a petty child and a sore loser murtha and benigno lawyer up… …for the most dramatic popularity contest weve seen since high school benigno and murtha meet at the kettle their grandparents were there too but thats not important benigno claims murtha has violated the aggie honor code murtha promised his childhood friend tsau a place on his cabinet (executive vice president the second most powerful student position) as well as three more cabinet positions of his choosing if tsau dropped from the race and endorsed murtha as sbp tsau decided to continue running for sbp leaving some to believe his strategy was simply to enjoy the show and let benigno and murtha destroy each other benigno tells murtha that he will report this information to the university potentially harming his career in the student government association (sga) his career in law school and his character unless murtha drops the case murtha counters that these kinds of promises are and have been very common in sga murtha also reminds joseph that his threats constitute blackmail joseph reminds murtha that he has a nice potential political career there and it would be a shame if anything were to happen to it murtha continues to press charges benigno steps forward with the information benigno laughs at murtha for being childish murtha is upset at benigno for being a big bully murtha reveals he was secretly wearing a wire at the kettle the whole time murtha makes the recording public to all that request it local grocery stores run out of popcorn the court rules (in the closest decision in judicial history) that benigno shall remain sbp-elect notable quotes from the trial and pre-trial include: murtha: arbitrary (said 314 times) benigno: explicit (said 723 times) murtha: there is no texas a&m but 50 000 different experiences of it benigno: no items used in the promotional video were used to promote votes *hair coif* aubre dean: *audibly laughing at benigno campaign arguments* random dude: just a bunch of kids who watch too much house of cards benigno: democracy is so overrated yell leaders 5 for yell and steven lanz run to be 2015-2016 yell leaders kyle cook ben ritchie and zachary lawrence run against steven lanz for senior yell will alders and chris wilder run for junior yell not even 5 for yell can keep track of all the names for those out of the loop 5 for yell is a group of five close individuals from the corps of cadets that run annually under the corps of cadets endorsement it includes alders and wilder and the incumbent yell leaders ritchie and lawrence who push for the election of their new member (cook) its a bit of a cult but wouldnt some argue thats what makes them so great at representing a&m campus is dominated by campaigning for lanz and cook 5% of campus is really passionate 95% of campus just wants people to stop handing them stickers when they walk into the msc lanz is a non-reg so 5 for yell campaigns for the typically (but not always) followed tradition of keeping yell leaders members of the corps of cadets lanz campaigns for the typically (but not always) followed tradition of reminding the corps they make up less than 5% of the university cook makes what some interpret as condescending posts to facebook emphasizing the inability of a non-reg to uphold traditions like a cadet this is seen as an interesting point since non-reg yell leaders have been around for decades and lanz would be over the 30th non-reg yell leader in texas a&m history cook opposition arises from: those who do not believe cook is a fit representation of a&m on account of disrespectful pictures he took at the bonfire memorial as a fish camp counselor those who disagree that yell leaders should remain exclusively members of the corps of cadets anarchists who want to bring about the new world order lanz and cook are both elected but incumbent ritchie does not win this is blamed on the emphasis that was placed on lanz and cook instead of incumbent yell leaders who all ended up ranked below lanz and cook in the vote 5 for yell opposition laughs at 5 for yell for assuming their incumbent yell leaders would win without campaigning for them 5 for yell files for a revote on the grounds that the instant runoff vote was not counted properly according to the election by-laws of the yell leader constitution campus is divided on account of the broken system being in place for years but requiring a 5 for yell loss to bring about change a revote is called lanz wins again but this time cook loses a recount of the original vote reveals that the winners of senior yell would have been cook lawrence and ritchie but the original vote is now nullified cook should have won the election in the original vote and lanz should have lost but cook was passed by lanz in the revote campus has a good laugh at 5 for yell bringing about their own defeat election commissioner emma douglas is filed for impeachment but resigns before an impeachment hearing can be made this decision…is in no way to be construed as an admittance of guilt said douglas the resignation is to save the student government association from further perpetuating unhealthy and destructive dialogue which is fancy legal jargon for screw you guys im going home senior yell is firmly established to be lanz lawrence and ritchie and junior yell remains alders and wilder lanz looks forward to working with the four guys who worked so hard to have cook over him and is certain it like totally wont be weird at all -north by northgate sbisa cookie and honey bear
after a devastating train wreck in hearne last week many new students are finding themselves having difficulty making connections the latest addition to the long and storied list of aggie traditions the tamu follow train (hashtag optional) provides students of texas a&m an easy and fast way to make hundreds of acquaintances ive never been great at social interactions in real life one anonymous student reports however the follow train allows me to be more confident ive met so many great people through it and even though i never talk to them i feel really great knowing i have so many potential friends some cynics have raised questions as to whether or not new twitter followers count as actual friends but these non-believers are deservedly missing out on the sweet favoriting community that the rest of the freshmen are experiencing some of my new twitter followers actually say hi to me sometimes too! freshman communications major alyssa brooker said but i mean it can be kinda weird when they like know that my favorite drink from starbucks is a skinny mocha frappe with no whipped cream honestly i wish that @aghunter2017 stop leaving them outside my dorm brooker responded with confused looks when we suggested to cease posting her room number and starbucks orders unfortunately with the latest turn of events the tamu follow train is stranded in the station forcing a new series of lonely freshman to wait for the next one to arrive for now some are desperate enough to spend time with actual friends or even introduce themselves to classmates some still insistent on quantity over quality have begun to physically write down the names of people they meet and keep the paper in their pocket rumors are circulating that these sorts of papers are passed around classes occasionally bearing a personal note directed to another person this reporter is wary of such a method of communication to ever become commonplace when the next train will get up and running is a mystery but there is no debate that the students of texas a&m will work tirelessly to maintain this newly trademarked aggie tradition -bacon & ags
freshman general engineering major david chapman glanced around the house party nervously as he refilled his drink looking for anyone he had not yet introduced himself to my time is valuable said chapman everyone here needs to know that there is so much schoolwork i could be doing right now not to complain but i definitely have the hardest major of anyone in here to educate those not in the know all incoming freshmen interested in engineering are placed in general engineering this brilliant system allows freshmen to make an informed decision about which engineering field they want to specialize in after a year of taking university core curriculum classes i always knew i was going to be an engineer i really liked legos as a kid thats pretty much all it comes down to doing what i love chapman said to a group of people watching the beer pong game its pretty tough though i spent like an hour googling answers for my cal 1 homework the other night the highlight of chapmans night was when he used a trash can to prop open the back door of the stuffy house its a good thing theres an engineer at this party! said chapman with a chuckle id be lying if i said the money wasnt a big part of my motivation i can tell it gets the ladies excited when i talk about my future salary said chapman referring to the way women squirm uncomfortably when he talks to them chapman then tried to describe the difficulty in choosing chemical or mechanical to a couple of potential trophy wives he kept trying to explain how much harder is major was said whitney parker a freshman marketing major but hes in like three of my core curriculum classes as of press time chapman was seen changing his major to ag leadership because his stupid physics professor couldnt speak english -war hymnal
5 for yell has announced plans to build an alternate university where they will be the yell leaders after raising concerns about the old voting system 5 for yell decided to hold its own election the unfavorable results of their independent election where 5 for yell once again did not sweep made the current and prospective yell leaders wonder why they could not win after thinking about it we realized that it was the university not the voting system that was flawed head yell leader patrick mcginty said keeping with our can-do spirit and willingness to adapt we have decided to start a new university where we will hold yet another yell leader election msc president ryan trantham the election commissioner of the revote will serve as president of the new university theres a lot that goes into starting a university trantham said step one is to find a name so far we like yell leader u yelltopia and texas a&m re-university mcginty said the plan is to secede the quad and start from there possibly expanding into south side garage he expects the corps to be supportive of this decision we gave the cadets an offer to join us that they couldnt refuse mcginty said everyone who secedes with us gets a bag-in tomorrow michael k young future texas a&m president was disappointed to see 5 for yell want to leave but hopes that texas a&m can continue without them sure im gonna miss those guys but i wont even live on campus so it doesnt make much of a difference to me either way young said mcginty wanted to reaffirm that there will be no hard feelings between the two universities and that 5 for yell still has the utmost respect for texas a&m and its traditions even though their new university will be better at traditions as much as it pains me to say goodbye to this fine institution we would be jeopardizing the integrity of the organization and process if we allowed these results to stand said mcginty -war hymnal
there is no tradition more famous here in aggieland than that of leaving ones spare change at the feet of arguably the most progressive president this university has ever seen however the widely known a&m tradition has left this aggie icon on the streets it was discovered late saturday evening that texas a&m universitys beloved lawrence sullivan ross or more familiarly known as sully was forced to file for bankruptcy after missing multiple payments on his near-foreclosed home although university officials were unaware of his financial struggles sully has cited poor income as the reason for his filing for years pennies a day was enough but since the market crashed in 08 surviving penny to penny was no longer a sensible means of living sully said in an interview with kbtxs own clay falls recent complaints had been filed with the campus human resources department by sully asking that his pay be adjusted in accordance with the federal minimum wage but they were quickly denied shortly after his original denial sully submitted a request that his pay at least be adjusted for inflation this change would have required students to leave as much as $026 per visit the administration did not look favorably on this request either over a quarter per test is not fair to the students because luck is a hard find nowadays his line of work is no longer necessary here but the decision was no easier for us than it was for him said human resources director gayle mudd it is unknown as to whether or not sully who has since resigned will look for other means of income fellow aggie icon and dear friend of sully e king gill commented on his recent dismissal from the university as an absolute travesty and an unfortunate loss gill remains optimistic about sullys future however noting that he has all the faith in the world that sully will land on his feet gill who is most revered for his role in establishing texas a&ms 12th man tradition was suspended without pay after his comments but no statement has been made by the university regarding the timetable of his return there is still no word as to whom may take sullys place but we can only wonder if such a firing will cause financial tension amongst other university staff mudd has advised students to continue focusing their efforts on their studies but we at the mugdown know it will not be an easy adjustment as tradition means more to the students than anyone – e king trill
with over 900 potential new members this past fall sororities are feeling the pressure of a growing incoming freshman classes while more members means more resources for philanthropy sororities are starting to worry about their organizational identities with the minimum acceptance rate we really do love so many of the girls that come through recruitment but its so hard to decipher who truly embodies our core values when we only get two minutes to talk to each girl danielle smith comments on her experience last fall with recruitment workshops already in full swing sororities are introducing some new tactics in the selection process to help narrow down the possibilities for this upcoming fall 2015 recruitment week the collegiate panhellenic council (cpc) the coordinating body of the twelve sororities at texas a&m has teamed up with the popular jewelry company kendra scott this allows sororities to scan the names of potential new members into the system and mark out the ones who have made less than three purchases from the company officers within sororities are optimistic about how this data will improve the big-little pairing process the cpc is also introducing a new step in the recruitment process: the starbucks showdown potential new members must study the extensive holiday menu from starbucks and create a drink order that will be judged on number of syllables sugar and calorie content flavor pairings and amount of extra time it takes a barista to make the drink bonus points will be awarded if the barista cannot pronounce the name its going to be an exciting year in the sorority world and we are all anxiously awaiting the day that rush turns into the greek life equivalent of the hunger games until then drink on my friends* -panda expressions *just dont drink too much or youll get sent to standards!
researchers at a&m have discovered the formula for the perfect yell leaders after many years of hard work studying the physics mathematics and theory behind leading yells it was discovered that the single most important attribute of a yell leader is in fact being a white non-denominational christian male after countless tests white non-denominational christian males just have the kind of qualities that make them natural yell leadersits in their blood said head researcher dr john hardy hardy went on to clarify that mormons protestants lutherans and other denominations though undoubtedly great specimens do not make the cut there are a variety of reasons why white christians excel at yell leading: maleness establishes dominance and power; fair skin and large hands aid in nighttime visibility; high cheekbones provide an aerodynamic face conducive for yelling; height for a superior vantage point in order to loom over others and a sonically booming voice that can be heard all the way from the nosebleeds said assistant researcher brian wilson other crucial factors include having exactly one black friend listening to country music being in the corps and acting semi-tolerant of others using a complex sorting algorithm the corps compares the ideal qualities to those of the candidates in order to select the five ideal nominees despite their best efforts the system is not without its flaws there are some kinks that need to be worked out sometimes we get a minority or a lutheran or someone under six feet but we dont know why were just trying our best said dr hardy now only time will tell whether or not popular opinion aligns with science -plug down for watt
outstretched arms unnatural facial expressions and complete lack of social awareness all the symptoms are here for snapchat blindness (scb) this recently discovered disease is taking universities by storm and texas a&m is no exception as a result of the instant photo sharing application students everywhere have been running into objects people and worse we recently talked to a student whose snapchat blindness cost him his future at the request of the student his name will remain anonymous (he still refuses to tell his parents) the student a freshman was headed down military walk after grabbing dinner at sbisa with his friends as usual i began taking a snapchat to share with my pals when something terrible happened and no its not my snapchat score just as i snapped the picture something in the photo caught my eye i looked closer glanced at the ground and realized i was standing in the center of the military walk seal said the student im a third generation aggie so i knew what it meant right away walking on the seal means i will never graduate he said he asked that we share his story so that others may take heed and not be forced to spend a life taking classes working hard while being unable to graduate this terrible disease can lead to all sorts of afflictions including tripping slowed movement and most commonly running into objects directly in front of you everywhere you look students are crashing into objects and one another all blinded by their attempt to take yet another snapchat this is why we need your help you can stop this most experts recommend in order to prevent snapchat blindness (scb) that students not use the app while in motion or in public if scb has affected a friend or a loved one please ask them to do the same use kind language and suggestions such as look out! or wth are you doing with your face anything to keep them from becoming another victim of this cruel disease it is up to you to make a difference it is up to you to save texas a&m -a midsummer nights yell
the msc flag room is a cozy spot frequently visited by students hoping to relax unwind and study the seating options are plentiful the chairs themselves comfortable the lighting moody the decor lovely the atmosphere homey the people friendly and the piano playing beautiful yesterday however it was discovered that the soothing music was perhaps a bit too beautiful for a certain dylan mckinney a junior business major from beaumont texas yes the reason that so many choose to study here has become a cause for distress to the young student you see said mckinney i know the pianist is supposed to be good but this guythis guy was something else as soon as he started playing i stopped my studying and started doubting everything ive ever done the piano has been a staple to the msc flag room since its inception in 1951 in that time thousands of players have graced the pianos keys to play mozart beethoven and the occasional disney when asked to elaborate mckinney simply said i dont know man…ive got a lot of thinking to do this whole college thing may not be good for me strangely mckinney is not alone the music seems to have affected quite a few others all of whom reported similar feelings of despair anguish self-loathing doubt anger and self-pity the mysterious musician has not been found or identified but the school is taking the necessary precautions such as increasing security at every piano at the school to ensure the safety of its students -plug down for watt
after finishing the last episode of paranormal home inspectors senior james werther realized that he had watched the totality of the netflix library there were no shows to be recommended there were no hours to be procrastinated it was finished i kind of have mixed feelings about it i mean it is a pretty big deal to finish netflix but i have no idea what to do with my time now said werther i guess i could try homework but lets be honest for a secondmy options are basically limited to naps and buzzfeed werther has spent the majority of his afternoons and evenings working on his goal of completing the netflix library he suffered through countless documentaries and foreign language dramas but he says it was all worth it to be honest i am proud of my accomplishment said werther it started off as a way to kill time but eventually turned into a passionan obsession now that his goal is completed werther has turned his attention to bigger thingslike the classes he has neglected for the last three and a half years netflix was great but ultimately as a mechanical engineer i think i have some catching up to do said werther im pretty sure i have about three or four textbooks to read and a couple group projects i completely ignored but hey if i can finish netflix i can do literally anything werthers favorite shows include house of cards breaking bad and all seven seasons of gilmore girls during our interview we mentioned that netflix would be adding the third season of house of cards later this month werther was shocked and said well guess i will have to graduate a semester later netflix refused to comment on the accomplishment but we believe werther was the first to complete the entire netflix library werther accepted a job with exxon mobile as a chemical engineer and will be starting work in fall of 2015 -cactus jack
"mugdown presents house of koldus by honey bear *house of cards seasons 1 and 2 spoilers below* this is the second part of a two-part series check here to read the first part to house of koldus! scene 4 (inside the senate meeting benigno is standing at a podium at the front as a bunch of camera flashes are going off zoe barnes is among the reporters ready to take notes on a small notebook) joseph benigno: its been a long day for everyone i know that but i think you all know me well enough to have confidence that i would not have called a press conference this late at night unless it was of the utmost importance (benigno begins to open the envelope that murtha gave him earlier) joseph benigno: my team and i have been working all day to get to the bottom of this recount business not an hour ago we found what we were looking for (benigno pulls a small stack of pages out of the envelope holding them up for everyone to see) joseph benigno: these are the transcripts between frank underwood and election commissioner emma douglas discussing at length their plan to stack the sbp votes in franks favor! i have over a dozen pages worth of emails laying out their elaborate scheme (shot of emma douglas she looks nervous and many people are glancing back at her joseph begins reading from the emails) joseph benigno: this is from an email between frank and emma last night: frank the vote is set it will be announced tomorrow evening that you have won the election by a margin of 11 percent sincerely emma douglas i can not stress enough my recommendation to the senate that frank underwoods victory should be immediately nullified and his reputation held in contempt (the room explodes into a fury of camera flashes and questions zoe is seen rapidly jotting notes a pale emma douglas has worked her way to the front of the room) emma douglas:(shaky but resolved) i dont know where joe is getting his information from but i can assure you that i learned the results of the election at the same time as everybody else: after the votes came in reporter: and what about these emails you are accused of emma douglas: they are false im sure as soon as my team is given the chance they will be able to prove the utter lack of validity to these claims (another man has now worked his way through the frenzy to the front of the room) michael murtha: theres no need for that emma douglas: what do you mean michael murtha: i can solve the issue right now (michael pulls out and opens a new sealed envelope he pulls it out and scans the sheet) michael murtha: the recount is in frank did not win by 11 percent (joseph allows himself a slight smile) michael murtha: he won by 13 (the room is in an uproar joseph looks dumbstruck) michael murtha: (with a cheeky smile) and if that isnt proof enough our election commissioner always signs her emails thanks and gig ‘em (as michael holds up the recount sheet for the press to examine emma walks up behind) emma douglas: (in a hushed voice barely audible over the racket being made by senators and reporters) youre working for frank too michael murtha: (still smiling) i am scene 5 (it is now very late at night frank is briskly walking across campus finally heading home for the night he looks like hes fighting the cold with his hands tucked into an overcoat and a hat on his head to keep out the chill) zoe barnes: its clever (frank spins towards the voice) frank underwood: (amused) ms barnes! i cant say im too surprised to see you can i ask whats clever zoe barnes: all of it (she shrugs her shoulders as she thinks over where to start) zoe barnes: you took out both benigno and murtha and no ones caught on yet frank underwood: you think that was my handiwork zoe barnes: i know it was your handiwork benigno took the heat for fabricating evidence against you but as soon as he revealed that murtha gave him the phony proof murtha was dragged down with him not only did you give murtha the means to take down benigno you gave benigno proof that murtha was hacking into senators emails you set them up to take each other out frank underwood: (frank continues along the path he had been walking before) walk with me ms barnes id sure hate to miss the last bus off campus zoe barnes: but thats still only two of your three opposing candidates what about tsau frank underwood: who do you think convinced him to run in the first place zoe barnes: robbing both benigno and murtha of the minority vote and pushing you to the top (frank smiles) zoe barnes: i plan to publish everything first thing tomorrow morning you should prepare a statement frank underwood: can i ask you a question of my own now how did you work it out zoe barnes: i asked the questions an unbiased journalist should ask frank underwood: (looks at the camera with a slight chuckle) this our stop zoe barnes: our- (frank grabs zoe by the shoulders spins her around and throws her in front of an oncoming aggie spirit bus) frank underwood: (spitefully) enjoy the free tuition (cut to black long pause) scene 6 (shot of koldus exterior the sun has risen and is heralding in a new morning students are shuffling to class cut to inside koldus frank walks into his office and sets a copy of the battalion on his desk the headline reads: ""underwood elected student body president"" underneath is a column detailing joseph's and michael's removals from the student government association and a column detailing the death of a local reporter frank is now alone in his office he runs his hands along his desk in grave contemplation he looks up and stares into the camera after a long pause he bangs his aggie ring twice on the table cut to black democracy is so overrated) follow @bigoldhoneybear"
mugdown presents house of koldus by honey bear *house of cards seasons 1 and 2 spoilers below* black screen mugdown presents fades into an intro parodying house of cards with time lapses of various a&m buildings during the intro credits the names of actual student senators and political figures appear on screen last shot is the academic building at night with the title house of koldus and an upside-down tamu flag scene 1 (shot of koldus exterior it is late in the afternoon camera follows a young reporter into koldus as she tries to get a politicians attention) zoe barnes: mr underwood mr underwood! (frank continues his path ignoring the exasperated reporter) zoe barnes: mr underwood a quote for the battalion (frank continues ignoring the reporter) zoe barnes: mr underwood your constituents have no idea whats going on and im starting to believe your campaign team is even more clueless please if i could get just a word from you a quote would go a long way frank underwood: (while still walking) its president underwood now or student body president underwood if you feel so inclined zoe barnes: not until after the recount frank underwood: (dismissively) my staff and i are quite confident that the recount will come back exactly the same this whole business is pure nonsense zoe barnes: 5 for yell seems to disagree care to share what makes you so confident frank underwood: (visibly annoyed) look miss- zoe barnes: -barnes frank underwood: -barnes id like to go back to celebrate with my staff and this is starting to turn into a rather aggressive line of questioning may i ask what makes you so confident the results will come back different zoe barnes: nothing theres turmoil in the senate and chaos across the campus the people have a right to know whats going on these are just the questions an unbiased journalist should be asking your answer mr underwood (frank rolls his eyes at the camera and then turns back to zoe) frank underwood: there's no such thing as an unbiased journalist miss barnes you either have the decency to pretend you don't have a political agenda or you write for the good bull (frank enters a room where his staff is celebrating shutting the door on zoe) scene 2 (inside the party room frank has begun smiling and shaking hands with various members of his team doug stamper appears next to him with a clipboard) doug stamper: (speaking in a brief and quiet voice) kyle kellys on board but i cant get reid to budge frank underwood: thats unusual reid always backs kyle trouble in paradise doug stamper: not quite the two still seem to be on good terms frank underwood: why do you say that doug stamper: they still have plans tonight to play trivia crack together frank underwood: a ploy then doug stamper: i believe so frank underwood: but why would they split the power of the machine doug stamper: im not sure but i plan to find out (doug turns starting to walk away) frank underwood: ill have my phone on me (doug now leaves frank steps towards the camera talking to the audience as he works through his thoughts) frank underwood: every machine has a purpose a well-defined easily predictable purpose and that purpose can only be fulfilled when every gear every cog works in perfect unison but what happens when the machine turns in opposite directions (meechum walks up in a corps uniform frank snaps out of his thought-daze breaking eye contact with the camera and turning to face meechum) frank underwood: ah meechum i was just about to find you edward meechum: hello sir i should congratulate you frank underwood: thank you but not yet meechum i still have work to do (frank gets a text from doug) doug stamper text: murthas making his move (frank turns to meechum) frank underwood: meechum do you remember what i told you when you started this job edward meechum: that i would be a rock i absorb nothing say nothing and nothing breaks me frank underwood: good lets take a walk (meechum and frank leave the party) scene 3 (murtha and benigno meet they are inside all faiths chapel the sun has now gone down and the chapel is dark with the exception of a few candles that are starting to flicker low murtha sits in the pew behind benigno talking to him but not making eye contact) michael murtha: joseph joseph benigno: michael michael murtha: thank you for meeting with me joseph benigno: whyd you bring me out here no one uses this building michael murtha: exactly i know how to get the upperhand on frank joseph benigno: (intrigued) how michael murtha: he thinks im working for him joseph benigno: what does he want michael murtha: he stacked the votes joseph benigno: everyone knows that thats why 5 demanded the recount michael murtha: 5 for yells working for frank too joseph benigno: hold up why would frank call a recount on himself michael murtha: he knew simply stacking the votes would be questioned so he wanted to make sure that when the votes were recounted it was on his own terms joseph benigno: that brings me back to my original question: why are you telling me this why didnt you team up with isaiah michael murtha: i did isaiah was supposed to secure the minority vote then when the timing was right he was supposed to drop out of the race and endorse me as sbp with the minority vote in my pocket i would have had enough support to take on anyone even you joseph benigno: but something went wrong michael murtha: the time came for him to drop but instead he stayed in the race he got the ridiculous notion he could actually compete tsau flew too close to the sun and now hes surprised hes been burnt and if it werent for frank youre the candidate who would have actually won the election the campus knows a machine candidate when they see one you have the most pull if you lead the charge against frank the student body will rally behind you im not a fan of yours but im even less of a fan of franks joseph benigno: you expect me to just believe that if you work for frank as you claim how am i supposed to trust you michael murtha: i dont i just need you to believe that im not stupid enough to think frank would actually make a better sbp than you joseph benigno: the problem still stands though: we have no proof michael murtha: you have no proof i do i work for frank together we can bring him down (murtha stands up genuflects and before turning away drops a small but thick envelope in the collection basket sitting at the end of benignos pew murtha shoots off a text as he walks out of the chapel) michael murtha text: benigno has the proof (benigno opens the envelope and after mumbling a quick prayer walks out of the chapel however the camera stays on the door after a long moment we dont see him but we hear franks voice) frank underwood: theres nothing sadder than a man scrambling to cling to what little power he has to an ambitious man power is the light at the end of the tunnel it consumes all thought hope and desire he is so focused on the light he fails to even glance at the darkness (frank steps out of the shadows walking towards the camera to close-up frank now fills the frame) frank underwood: but darkness is where the true power lies to be continued this is the first part of a two-part series click here to read the shocking conclusion to house of koldus! follow @bigoldhoneybear
the mugdowns i am gig the vote (and so can you!) a one stop guide to the sbp elections this is the best time of the year to be in the mugdown its basically our christmas many of you may be tired of having people yell at you and run around wearing matching shirts but not us we get a weird sort of high from it well…from that and the adderall weve been taking to crank out these election articles however we know not everyone loves elections and could care less who represents our school as yell leader or student body president we wont even get you started on student senate thats why weve put together this comprehensive voting guide for you now if you want to stay off campus to avoid the incoming election hysteria you can and you will still be able to be an informed voter without further ado here is way more information than you ever wanted about a bunch of people you will probably never meet now do we just expect you to take our advice blindly and vote for who we tell you yes vote here: votetamuedu feel free to write in the mugdown <3 honey bear and the mugdown staff
it was revealed today that isaiah tsau junior marketing major and student body president candidate hired all members of his campaign team from rice university throughout his campaign tsau has stressed the importance of diversity on campus and in local leadership his crowning achievement was assembling the first campaign staff in texas a&m history with no caucasian students now tsaus staff and his integrity are under question by the student body when i think of a&m i dont think of maroon and white said tsau i think of maroon and black and brown and yellow i wanted my campaign team to reflect that vision and it just was not feasible to find enough socially active and politically minded individuals here in aggieland i really thought we would get away with it said daniel wong a childhood friend of tsaus and his head campaign manager isaiah always told me about his dream of a more culturally diverse a&m and i just could not say no to helping him achieve it he is really persuasive texas a&m is over 60 percent white though a stroll through west campus makes that number seem closer to 80 or 90 percent tsau chose rice university because of its proximity to a&m and the fact that the campus is less than 40 percent white most of his team are friends from back home but he also hand picked a few ringers political scandals like this are historically hard to come back from so the mugdown asked tsau what this scandal means for his team and himself well i guess they wont need to keep using the fake (aggie) ids i made for them which is a plus said tsau unfortunately it also might hurt my senators chance to get elected but i already figured that would be an uphill battle what with them still taking classes at rice and all -cactus jack
an empire may rise and fall but one thing will always remain the same: for every sith there is an apprentice student body presidents past refer to this as the rule of two i have had a successful career leading the aggie empire but my time is drawing to a close said emperor kyle kelly i have been grooming darth benigno for this role from a young age soon his power will eclipse mine and i shall become expendable when he is ready to claim the mantle of dark lord as his own he must do so by eliminating me joseph benignos close ties to emperor kelly are not unknown to citizens of the empire old souls of the campus may still remember the stand with kyle hes hostile campaign of yesteryear and can see its faint reflection in the current go with joe let the dark side grow campaign while darth benigno has been apprenticed to emperor kelly for a year now some suspect he has been following the same path to the dark side forged by emperor kelly years ago not only were both members of the dark brotherhood of christian aggies darth benigno has been emperor kellys executive vice president emperor in much the same way that a young emperor kelly was apprenticed as executive vice president emperor to former student body emperor reid joseph however emperor kelly has not been darth benignos only inspiration the way of the sith is as age-old as it is reliable darth benigno follows the ancient and occult path blazed by numerous former student body emperors involved in the order of the fish aides this list includes sith lord greats like mark gold ‘09 eric beckham ‘10 jacob robinson ‘11 john claybrook ‘13 and reid joseph ‘14 darth benigno has set up a strong strategy but it will be up to voters to decide if the fate of the empire will be left to the dark side or the light this election season -honey bear
questions surrounding the details of michael murthas unification council have led mugdown investigators to uncover a shocking plot: murthas unification council is actually an elaborate ploy to gather all of the schools leaders and eliminate them in one fell swoop he calls it the maroon wedding said a student leader who wished to remain anonymous in order to protect his/her safety he says the only way to become the supreme leader of texas a&m is to eliminate those who stand in his way current student body president kyle kelly said that this is the most brilliant political move he has seen over the course of his entire career my biggest regret as student body president is not thinking of it first kelly said i have been ignored by students reporting to other ‘presidents for too long its about time all this work the student body president puts into campaigning pays off this bold strategy has faced significant resistance rusty thompson director of student activities does not think it will pay off in the long run for murtha ive seen what that kind of power can do to a young ambitious man thompson said once he has a taste of it he will be unstoppable the rumors have brought mixed reactions from the students junior architecture major trevor davidson thinks that this unification of power will bring about some much-needed changes i think the improvement will be almost instant first off the color coordination of our students is abysmal we cant have fish camp carpool and all the flos wearing neon while the corps wears khaki and the greeks wear pastels davidson said we need to start enforcing some uniformity sophomore political science major jane white worried about what sort of precedent this move would set for the student leadership at a&m how long does he plan to stay in power said white will the next election be a simple vote or will a candidate have to overthrow murtha murtha shared his simple goal when asked to comment one school one spirit one voice murtha said i will be that one voice -war hymnal
dear lonely lighter so like my ex-boyfriend is totally a tool this past valentines day he was running late for our date which was like weird so i went over to his house to surprise him with the cookies i had made well like the real surprise was on me when i walked in on him making out with this total thot im like totally heartbroken and embarrassed that i ever dated this jerk but mostly im just really mad i really want to like repay him for all the misery he caused me and like just do something to get over it i just need like a good plan how are you with revenge thanks hell hath no fury dear woman scorned wow from the way you talk about him this guy sounds like a real winnerthe kind of guy that has truck balls and and wears a flat-bill while he smokes a blunt with his side chick first off dont beat yourself up over having dated a loser *insert encouraging quote about how if you have to get poked by a few thorns before you pick the rose* now revenge thats an idea i can sink my teeth into i may or may not have a few experiences with ideas on this subject… the im so over you picture get dressed up make sure your eyebrows are on fleek go out with all of your prettiest friends meet a really really hot guy and take a picture with him that looks like youre having the best time of your life then post that ish all over facebook instagram twitter maybe even print it out and tape it to his door theres nothing that feels quite like making him think youre winning the break up the accidental but not really text text him on a friday or saturday (because those are obviously date nights) saying something like hey! whats the plan for tonight when he replies or even if he hasnt responded in about 20 minutes tell him oh my gosh i am so sorry that was supposed to be for someone else! have a nice life this lets him know you are cute and fun and have plans but mostly that you are so done talking to him forever the lets grab lunch not-date since this guy is an egotistical jerk he probably expects you to still be mourning the fact you are no longer with mr most amazing man in the world the hook: feed his ego and send a flirty text like hey you i was wondering if we could get lunch sometime i have some stuff i want to talk to you about ;) dont forget the winky face that is easily the most important step the line: when you meet up for lunch flirt a little touch his arm bat your eyes smile softly until he asks what you came to sayremember he thinks you want him to get back together with you and the sinker: you start asking him for advice in this new relationship that youre about to be start with jeff like he sent me flowers this week isnt that a little forward okay im sorry im rambling when i really came here for your opinion the awkward run-in to uninvited third wheel outing so i hate to say it but the cheater has probably moved on at this point its okay we can use this to your advantage this plan requires a little pre-stalking follow him around for about a week to gather intel if he ever leaves his phone unattended this is your chance steal it and see when and where he made plans with his new fling casually run into him and the girl on his date dont be shy pull up a chair and dive into that story about how you had to help him apply cream to that unfortunately placed rash that one time turn to him is that all cleared up now pat his back and walk out the is now a bad time to tell you that i have mono phone call now this one will only work if you were recently in a relationship and compared to the week long im late and it could be yours prank this one is beautiful in its simplicity extend his agony and go with the mono bitthe virus has to set up shop in your body for four to seven weeks before you show symptomsdont leave out that detail for the next four to seven weeks he will just be waiting to wake up with a fever feeling miserable the eggs-actly what you needed plan you know what is both delicious and high in cholesterol eggs but hey youre trying to get revenge here you have no time for cholesterol what you do have time for is an elaborate prank go to his house with a ladder some screws ceiling hooks rope and a bucket of eggs screw the hook in the ceiling right outside the door and hang the bucket of eggs from the hook tie the rope through a little hole in the side of the bucket bucket at one end and to the door handle at the other the next morning when he walks out his door he will have some unexpected eggs benedict for breakfast and a reeking mess to clean up the get him really drunk and take him to a tattoo parlor branding find some excuse to go out and get smashed use a flask to add extra shots to all of his drinks just to be sure he gets really really drunk stay sober and offer to give him a ride home but instead take him to a tattoo parlor and convince him to let you design a new tat for him now here comes the fun part: have the artist tattoo your name phone number or even caricature of yourself right onto the tramp stamp region take him home tuck him in and wait until one of his friends discovers his new tattoo the carrie underwood reenactment purchase a baseball bat and a sharp knife maybe even a machete or an axe use your key to draw a lovely-sunset-over-the-mountains scene on the side of his pretty little souped-up four-wheel drive carve your name or a hate letter with the knife into his leather seats smash in his headlights with that louisville slugger use the machete or axe to slash every last tire run away before anyone sees maybe next time hell think before he cheats the maybe its illegal but he totally had it coming for him first degree revenge so this one is admittedly risky basically what youre going to do is murder him first things first get a good alibi and do not do anything onlinepeople always track this stuff also buy everything with cash and burn all receipts throw a huge party at your house invite him and his girlfriend whom you have recently become bffs with because that in and of itself is good revenge and takes suspicion off you because who kills their ex when they like their exs new fling sneak rohypnol into his drink when he starts getting decently tipsy send him and another one of his ex-girlfriends into the woods behind your house to collect firewood make sure people see them walk off together he needs to make it to the woods but pass out while hes out there so that she will need to come back in to get help this is when you sneak out into the woods be quick make sure the music is still loud inside so thats all people will hear wear the hairnet you stole from the cafeteria and put on those gloves you bought from goodwillboth will hopefully have other peoples dna still on them to throw the cops off your scent take out the gun you bought from a thug in the ghetto and pull the trigger pour gasoline over his body and light it with a match from a matchbook you picked up at a restaurant where you never eat stay clandestine thats it basically if you want to stand over his burning body and laugh maniacally for a second go for it just dont take too long to return to the partythe alibi remember despite popular opinion revenge is not a dish best served served cold but lightly broiled over your past flames best of luck xoxo lonely lighter
texas a&m students will be receiving a tasty surprise this spring as the corps of cadets has recently unveiled its newest fundraiser: corps scout cookies™ inspired by the girl scouts of america who began their cookie cartel in 1917 the corps of cadets hope that their product will not only generate revenue but bring joy and delicious memories to texas a&ms campus the idea originated when josh turner a senior petroleum engineering major and member of the corps noticed a girl scout peddling her wares on campus after doing some research i was amazed to find out how much money they make on those cookies turner said if they can do it so can we turner took his idea to col glenn starnes assistant commandant for operations & training who immediately recognized the potential this business model is an ideal fit for the corps of cadets as there are actually quite a few similarities between us and the girl scouts of america starnes said we both wear uniforms learn valuable life skills and are generally seen as children by society as a whole corps scout cookies™ are expected to make their debut sometime this march and will be sold at tables around campus as well as by freshman corps members who will be going door to door in the various dorms as of now three flavors have been announced: piss heads whip outs and corps turds additionally the corps of cadets have issued a statement regarding how the revenue from this fundraiser will be allocated profits will go to: five for yell the reveille ix selection committee new equipment for the fighting texas aggie band and (as designated by tamu student senate) the glbt resource center we believe that corps scout cookies™ will soon be another sacred tradition here at texas a&m starnes said during the fundraisers announcement its never been sweeter to be an aggie -riffety raff
a mysterious hacker group seeking to blackmail the administration at texas a&m recently discovered a series of emails linking to secret documents from 1951 which detail the shocking reason behind the existence of the memorial student center what they found was so disturbing that they chose not to seek money for their revelations but to post the emails publicly in hopes that students would see the truth the student center was never intended to be a memorial to save money texas a&m university built the student center over what remained of a minefield from the mexican-american war the ground was considered dangerous by local government and was off-limits to citizens but as a state university a&m did not have to obey local law only state it is unknown how many mines remain undetonated or how many of the duds are actually safe the leaked emails are a correspondence between interim president mark a hussey and our next president michael young in which hussey briefs young on the history and traditions of this university however it seems that not all of the history is public according to the documents the only way [the administration in 1951] figured they could keep [students] off the grass was by saying it was memorial grass hussey states in his alleged email honestly im surprised it worked for so long i mean i get honor and all but seriously its grass how is grass in any way valuable to fallen soldiers or grieving families hussey goes on to warn young about how times have changed now they walk all over it usually to hold up a banner sometimes they need to shorten their trip to the msc door i guess i understand summer or early in the fall semester when its blisteringly hot but when its 70 degrees would that extra two feet really kill them whats funny is not walking the extra two feet to avoid the grass might actually literally kill them youre going to have to put out a lot of fires if an accident happens especially since the explosion would probably light some stuff on fire hussey said the relaxed if not lackadaisical tone of husseys email is respectful compared to youngs short reply really banners young said the mugdown has reached out to mark a hussey and michael young but neither has commented the university is in panic university representatives are distancing themselves in any way they can and students are disturbed and terrified at this knowledge: just not disturbed and terrified enough to hold their banner on the sidewalk stay safe readers zero dark eighty
there is a spirit that can neer be told
there she stood five foot six inches holding an eight foot banner illustrated in blue white and green unable to distinguish the purpose of the event from the banner i approached the lady in white converse and an xl t-shirt to discover the meaning of abusing such a nice bedsheet a freshman whose sorority wishes to go unnamed sydney corningstone the banner-holder proved to be of little assistance i dont know what it is for exactly it seems to be a big deal some sort of ‘big event one of my sisters asked me to help and i just wanted to brighten up everyones day with my infectious smile ms corningstone said well no one was amused least of all this reporter who was determined to get to the bottom of her blissful ignorance why did she obliviously sign up to hold a banner how many times had she held that banner or untold other banners how many other things did she not know why are converse popular again the speculation was driving me mad ms corningston knew nothing yet there she stood holding the banner just as she undoubtedly held other perverse lies and dark secrets her infectious smile with her beautiful dark dusky hair and dreamy eyes were clearly a ruse to distract this sleuth from unraveling the truth of her conspiracy after a stakeout of her residence this investigator discovered that she visited a plantation style house on athens drive several times a week the white grecian columns supporting the front deck gave it a pristine look too pristine oh sydney shes a real carefree type she always does stuff on the spur of the moment her roommate rachel coughton said when asked about the conspiracy ms coughton said who are you again are you that guy who has been liking all of [sydneys] photos get out of here! clearly she was trying to cover up the perfidious machinations concocted by the whole lot of them just as this gumshoe gets close they slam the door on him one thing is for certain this detective will not quit he will search out the truth like the love of his life depended on it -bellamy partridge
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since its founding in 1947 the central intelligence agency has been dedicated to the promotion of freedom and american ideals throughout the world from behind the soviet iron curtain to the doorstep of the taliban their operatives specialize in wresting vestiges of freedom from under the oppressive boot of tyranny some of their most publicized work has been the toppling of militaristic regimes and encouraging free elections in the ever expanding free world now where might these sentinels of freedom have declared their latest victory north korea cuba afghanistan it is actually resting right under your nose – literally the cia vanquished an enemy of freedom right here in college station for far too long the corps of cadets have been stifling our free speech year after year we are given the illusion of an election living under the guise that we have a say into who will lead yells at our beloved kyle field our votes have been ignored and our first amendment rights ripped apart by their khaki brand of militaristic oppression they claim election after election keeping the white jumpsuits securely in the quads closets our silent struggles have not gone unseen by those in the clandestine service for years one of them has served among us: james olson officially retired after 25 years in the cia his final assignment was to undermine the oppression of 5 for yell posing as a professor he cozied up to various officers and commandants in order to topple their militaristic control though his exact methods are still shrouded behind red tape there is one fact in which we can take solace in we are free no longer will our ballots be shackled by the chains of five for yell our yell leaders can be whoever we want them to be with five for yell out of the way people like steven lanz and (insert other names here) finally have a prayer protected under democracys wings next fall when you see yell leaders with hair longer than half an inch remember the true american heroes people like james olsen who tire away in the shadows to thwart tyranny and help those who cannot help themselves god bless you all and god bless texas a&m university -beutel call
upon the announcement in september regarding the approaching retirement of reveille viii a search began to find the right collie to fill aggielands first ladys position interim president mark hussey selected tom reber interim vice-president for student affairs to head a 12-member selection committee to choose a young collie who could serve several years as the universitys mascot the dog would need to be able to handle crowds by the thousands as well as the stress associated with being the most famous face on campus while the committee has met for a few introductory meetings the full membership had not been publicly announced until a university memorandum from last fall was recently released the committee includes a diverse group of students administrators and outside experts the members of the selection committee are: tom reber committee chair interim vice-president for student affairs mark hussey interim president roy may 15 yell leader cesar millan renowned dog trainer deanna bosse 13 president of maroon coats rick perry 72 former governor kyle kelly 14 student body president barbara bush former first lady literacy advocate author hannah weger 15 speaker of the student senate scott evetts 15 commander of company e-2 (mascot company) condoleezza rice ncaa football playoff committee member glen a laine vice president for research some have voiced concern why experts from outside the university have been included in the committee when choosing members for the panel mark [hussey] and i both agreed that having a diverse and unbiased group would give us the most thorough oversight into the selection process said vice president reber cesar millan the titular star of the hit television show dog whisperer with cesar milan was asked to join the team due to his extensive work with rehabilitating dogs former secretary of state condoleezza rice was invited due to her recent involvement with the new college football playoff committee while former first lady barbara bush joined the team due to her work training their dog millie to handle similar stresses of living in the white house the committee expects to have reveille ix selected in time for final review in may the corps ceremony which marks the transition of leadership into the next year -north by north gate
instead of being welcomed back to northgate with open arms and giant soon-to-be-washed-off sharpie xs on the back of their hands students looking to extend winter break for a few more days were greeted by a locked door and a feeling of disappointment and sadness schotzis one of college stations longest standing and most well renowned establishments had closed over the winter break nobody knew it was going to happen there were no warning signs we just came back and it was gone said senior business major will higgins best known for tuesday night karaoke and that blue drink with a lot of booze in it schotzis has been an integral part of the normal t-shirt tuesday routine for many underage members of the college station area some of my best tuesday nights have started off at schotzis watching my friends belt out those classic karaoke songs we have all come to know and love where are we supposed to pregame for sake and foundations after the pregame at my friend jakes house now the bryan/college station area has suffered a real loss over this break said junior aerospace engineering major casey brooks rumors about what new establishment will take the place of this legendary bar have been circulating including a two story mega panda express or a second halo location but nothing has been confirmed schotzis will be sorely missedby employees and its many patrons whom it helped and inspired to forget about their stage fright but as schotzis looks down from college bar heaven it should know that it has made the gates of north proud funeral information for the bar and the parts of your dignity that may have been lost on the premises while attending will be released soon for contributing to some of our best nights and our worst mornings we love you schotzis -maco ovo queso polo *the mugdown as a student organization does not support underage drinking beer is bad alcohol is of the devil never under any circumstances should you drink underage
zelsas law: every ten minutes a song from the legend of zelda is played in the msc flag room if a song from the legend of zelda fails to play a song from frozen will be played instead follow @bigoldhoneybear
with the conclusion of the add/drop period class rosters have been finalized and new statistics indicate a sharp increase in the number of muslim students in mays business schools isys programs many students are now posing the question: is the movement peaceful or something more hostile isys specialists proved an effective force last september when they overtook the business career fair while the muslim student association publicly denounced isys extremism that did not stop many students from voicing concern over the recent spike in isys activity on campus regarding the infiltration of isys in university career fairs billy ray jackson senior agribusiness major and member of the aggie conservatives claimed that they took our hijobs! a troubling sign for students looking to get a leg up at next weeks business career fair when confronted on their recent activities the muslim student association stated that their only event this semester thus far has been making sandwiches at the brazos valley food bank hardly a week into the semester and they admit to a clear attempt at hijacking bryans volunteer hours from hardworking finance and management students it is no wonder tensions between the universitys muslim population and business majors are at an all time high how does texas a&m respond by cutting funds and resources from other locations most notably the department of finance and reallocating them to the growing isys training programs or courses as the university prefers to call them thanks to university funding isys has become one of the fastest growing sects on campus upon completion isys graduates leave these programs with the leadership and technical skills to overrun offices and small workplaces it is a true tragedy when isys clears out employment opportunities from hard-working american students these hijinks hijack hirees hijobs -honey bear
as the new semester begins students across campus are as usual looking to the quad with wide eyes and bated breath all of these preternaturally open eyes were on dr anne reber current interim director of student life and director of disability services at texas a&m as she reviewed the current state of hazing in the corps of cadets dr reber has the power to alter regulations concerning hazing among student organizations this has long been a controversial subject among both the khaki clad members of our campus and those who exercise their right of free dress yesterday dr reber delivered a stunning proclamation as of spring 2015 the corps of cadets will be required to stop shaking hands in order to cut back on hazing thats right the ubiquitous greeting of clasping hands will be included in the list of acts that: endangers the mental or physical health or safety of a student or that destroys or removes public or private property; and/or assisting directing or in any way causing others to participate in degrading behavior and/or behavior that causes ridicule humiliation or embarrassment; and/or engaging in conduct which tends to bring the reputation of the organization group or university into disrepute for the purpose of initiation admission into affiliation with or as a condition for continued membership in a group or organization; or as part of any activity of a recognized student organization student group corps of cadets corps outfit corps unit or corps special activities previously relied upon traditions (including corps fraternity/sorority or any other group or organization activity practice or tradition) intent of such acts or coercion by current or former student leaders of such groups or former students will not suffice as a justifiable reason for participation in such acts it is not a defense that the person (or group) against whom the hazing was directed consented to or acquiesced to the behavior in question …according to the universitys definition of hazing this decision will affect all members of the corps freshmen will no longer be required to approach upperclassmen and shout all manner of biographical information to the intently listening quad but neither will upperclassmen be allowed to shake hands with others we do not want any members to feel ostracized or put down by anything shaking hands will be prohibited within corps units in order to create a community of acceptance and inclusion dr reber said the corps staff supports the decision saying that hazing has gone unattended on the quad for far too long that such a form of hazing as pernicious as shaking hands has gone unchecked for so long is utterly unacceptable dr reber said shaking her head the new regulations will be forcefully enforced beginning spring 2015 anyone caught shaking hands will be reviewed by a jury of their peers you can be sure that we will push for expulsion dr reber said senior business honors major david trigg has come out in support of the new mandate we need to protect our tradition of respect and discipline this is just a new way to do that trigg said trigg acknowledged that the changes might be difficult for some to follow this was a thing that had regrettably become so commonplace in our culture i know that some cadets will have a hard time letting go of it trigg said trigg suggested students take precautions to avoid accidental hand shaking as you can see ive constructed a sling to keep my hand safely tied at my chest this way there is no temptation on either side trigg said with a beaming smile though generally supported this verdict has sparked outrage among some students sophomore cadet philosophy major and self proclaimed free spirit kyle steed said they are just being way too militaristic -revelicious
it is a new semester here at texas a&m and the first breakaway of the year was last tuesday everyone knows what that means: new breakaway backpack tags an essential part of the typical christian outfit you can usually spot these white and blue tags on just about any north face columbia or patagonia backpack however this morning jared young a sophomore communication major realized his tag was missing after retracing his steps and checking both mugwalls and his accountability partners house he realized it was officially lost without his tag as a constant reminder young began to question whether or not he was truly a christian obviously i am still a christian i think he said but i just cant get over the fact that no one else will know i am a believer many christians though they wont admit it consider their breakaway tag to be a part of the armor of god it is a way for them to not only prove how christian they are but it also serves as a way to reach the lost each of them knows that one day someone will ask what the tag means and the gospel can be shared it hasnt actually happened yet but that is why it is called faith without his tag jared young fears he could be ostracized from the christian bubble worst of all he has no idea which weeks breakaway will be held at olsen or simpson drill field as part of his social media fast he wont have access to the ministrys facebook twitter or instagram it is one thing to lose the tag but if i dont know where breakaway is and i miss a week then im definitely not a christian young said as of press young managed to dig up last semesters backpack tag which he believes should be enough to prevent judgment until he can pick up an extra one tonight at olsen field at 9 pm -cactus jack and duncan dough
for those who have not seen the news the french satirical magazine charlie hebdo was attacked at their paris office on wednesday jan 7th 2015 12 people including four cartoonists and two police officers were killed by islamist militants we at the mugdown stand alongside charlie hebdo and our fellow satire organizations across the globe for the freedom of expression and against the brutality of fear the cruel attack will not be forgotten here the mugdown
howdy ags it has been a heck of a first year for us we have done a lot and now we are ready to grow again this upcoming semester we are looking to expand our team over the last year we have had numerous people ask us how they can get involved if you are one of those wondering how you can be a part of this now is your chance we are looking for new writers graphic designers and web designers if you have experience with adobe photoshop adobe illustrator pens and other writing utensils or maybe even feel that you have something to contribute to the mugdown that we have not mentioned we would like to invite you to fill out this application and email it to [email protected] we will be accepting applications throughout the winter break starting today 12/22/2014 at 5:00 pm until the second friday of the semester 1/30/2015 at 11:59 pm* if you have any questions please do not hesitate to reach out to us by e-mail mugdown application 2 ps remember our members are anonymous so it is a requirement that you dont let others know you are applying for updates on what we are up to follow us on twitter and like us on facebook! also check out our new writers from the last round of applications: marco ovo queso polo north by north gate duncan dough zero dark eighty silver tapioca follow @mugdown
it has been a long semester for many aggies at texas a&m university after fighting through finals students are now bracing themselves for extensive periods of time spent with younger siblings and weird aunts it is during this time that we like to stop and reflect on the semester as a whole so if you would please join us for a journey through time back to the distant land of august put on your sweatbands and your favorite yoga playlist its time to meditate on life 1 the mugdown sold out… …and became an officially recognized student organization it marked the end of an era and the start of a whole new one many people asked why we would do such a thing was it for money yes however we think there was a part of us that enjoyed the irony of letting us officially represent the university it felt good doing something neither the battalion nor the the good bull had accomplished it felt right 2 the mugdown helped new students choose the right flos and sororities for them if there is one thing that defines fall semesters it is the tidal wave of freshmen that washes over campus like 5k fliers it does not take long before they seem to permeate every corner of university grounds as veterans of freshman year we felt it our duty to help them find their place through flo charts and flow charts 3 torchys tacos opened in college station in texas there is only one objective way to gauge the quality of a city: tacos college station boasted prowess in the taco arena with fuego many lesser cities hung their heads in shame but not austin no not austin it came as no surprise to aggies that our long-time rivals short-time no affiliations over in austin would have a taco joint that could go toe-to-toe with our fuego the war that would come would split friendships and families it was a war the likes of which this earth had not seen since the great caines versus laynes debates 4 new kyle field was nervous for its first time there was a lot of pressure on kyle field this football season after years of hype it finally began the facelift it had been planning while not complete the new kyle fields unveiling was a sign of things to come many current and former students cried and most were tears of joy! 5 rices middle school improv group returned to kyle field there is a legend in texas it is not shouted from rooftops like the legacies of the alamo or rick perry instead it is whispered borne across hill country and bluebonnet fields by those of us who still remember this legend is that of the marching owl band the legend of the mob they came to kyle field decades ago with the most offensive jokes in the state starting a riot before being evacuated from the stadium after many long years they had returned 6 the mugdown tailgate: our graphical preview of the bye week it is no secret this football season was a hard one for aggies our good friends over at good bull hunting had a hard time coping with the shock they needed someone to step up for them as they spent a week or fourteen in tears they needed someone who thrives on negative emotion who positively rejoices when things have gone to hell they needed professionals they needed…the mugdown 7 reveille got pregnant as if our players abilities on the field this season was not a big enough scandal already our mascot had to go and get knocked up while the university has made no official statement on who the father is they did announce reveille would be retiring after this season so she could spend more time with her pups 8 peta and the westboro baptist church protested a&m it is not easy being in the spotlight with all the publicity texas a&m has received over the last couple years there was bound to be some backlash and we found the heaviest hitters in the arena: peta and the westboro baptist church 9 the 14 best aggie halloween costumes finally something on this list that was not offensive or scandalous or at least these costumes were scandalous in the good kind of way always eager to help people get into the holiday spirit we released our recommendations of 14 different aggie icons you could turn into a sexy costume 10 the fourth floor flasher violated evans sonofa- this list was just starting to get positive again then some guy has to take the wear-as-little-clothing-as-possible idea just a little too far the worst part was it wasnt even just one guy there was a whole group of them! this was a thing for weeks apparently the fourth floor flashers even ventured into the fifth floor at times at least their alliteration was consistent 1 1 #clickbaitweek we figured selling out to the university was not enough we needed to sell out our standards as well for a full week (and then some) we released nothing but the most clickbait-y articles we could muster top 10 cutest corps guys on campus check libel against ut tu check leaked photos of reveille topless check 12 the academic building was renamed the governor rick perry ‘72 building maybe what building is more loved at texas a&m than the academic building and what governor is less loved at texas a&m than rick perry there has been a lot of mudslinging going around saying the university sold out and is only doing this because rick perry has pretty much put every regent on the board and this could be a great way to get more funding from a man known for cutting education funding but that is not fair rick perry is giving the commencement speech on friday and are we just going to show our thanks by not naming our most iconic building after him 13 we started a rave in the library: #clubannex there were a lot of diligent students in the library studying for finals this last week seeing that many students be productive made us feel weird almost proud of our campus we hated it 14 the class of 2014 graduated at least one good thing came out of the university this year we are going to miss the class of 2014 but we are not taking it personally it has been a wild ride we have no idea if the real world is going to be able to match all the excitement we have had together here at texas a&m while you move on we will continue to grow here literally metaphorically maybe even metaphysically as our relationship comes to an end we suppose that makes us single again…huh so go on class of 2014 and make your university proud while we hold down the fort here! class of 2018 is actually starting to grow on us love the mugdown
it was announced earlier today that texas a&m university is considering renaming campuss iconic academic building after texas governor and former yell leader rick perry current and former students alike have voiced a wide variety of opinions on the matter since the news broke earlier today in order to help the board of regents come to a decision that accurately reflects the diverse beliefs of texas a&m university the mugdown asks you to lend your voice by choosing one of the many diverse opinions we heard across campus today that accurately reflects your personal stance on the decision [polldaddy poll=8529525] we thank you for your time honey bear and the mugdown staff
did we mention we hosted #clubannex the video recap of our rave in the library is live! video edited by honey bear follow @bigoldhoneybear follow @mugdown follow @clubannextamu
lack of sleep actually improves focus! scientists report that replacing sleep with studying has shown higher test scores! its called brain focus redirection basically whatever energy would have been put into sleep is redirected and put purely into helping you cram and memorize that fleeting information! starbucks doubleshot espresso: a healthy alternative to breakfast! thats right proven by health and nutrition researchers at harvard you can now drink starbucks instead of an actual meal it includes all the vitamins and energy you need for a sufficient breakfast all in the convenience of a tiny overpriced can its like a meal but in a can multitasking works! through a scientific process called neuromultization your brain operates more efficiently thinking about many different tasks allowing it to work at a much faster speed! by browsing twitter reading powerpoint notes and scanning through your textbook simultaneously you can maximize your study time! take study breaks every 15 minutes! theres nothing more rewarding after a hardcore studying spree of 15 minutes than to check your newest instagram facebook and twitter posts for another 30 minutes! by doing short bursts of studying your brain essentially works in a sprinting method it sprints with its energy then must recover for another sprint this theory is derived from marathon runners as an efficient strategy amongst runners is the sprint-and-walk method cram cram cram! your brain can only retain information for so long; remember that thing about elephants in the first tip exactly you already forgot while the sprinting method is studying it can work both ways take a 2 hour break right before your 1 hour study sprint! this works most efficiently when your test is within a few hours of first opening up your notes this sense of urgency sends shockwaves through the brain allowing it to focus on retaining information! this process is called the mentaltime continuum your brain realizes the time remaining until the test and practically puts your body into autopilot! youll be aceing that final without even knowing what youre doing! good luck and remember these tips to make sure you pass those exams! -duncan dough
the mugdown has received an email from an anonymous source last night with racy pictures of a&ms first lady without her trademark shawl please be advised that these pictures are extremely nsfw via darstamuedu a candid shot of miss rev on campus without her top sometimes even mascots have to resort to desperate measures to pay for college tuition via amazonawscom skinny dipping at lake bryan via flickrcom even cadet generals party too hard and lose their tops via amazonawscom trying to hide her nakedness with a hat we see you miss rev… via burdrcom oops! passed out sunbathing! via carthageagriculturepbworkscom hot or cold this collie sure loves to bare it all! -silver tapioca
1 math 409 – advanced calculus this class is basically just proofs right you know what there is no proof for bigfoot now that would be a hard class 2 mgmt 211 – business law tort law kind of sounds like turtle thats fun right turtles swim! oh god not swim 3 meen 363 – dynamics and vibration i mean how complicated are vibrations really plenty of things vibrate my xbox controller vibrates all the time and i am freaking great at xbox 4 phys 208 – electricity and optics you might remember this one from freshman year … or from the recurring nightmares that just wont seem to go away does the smiling lightning bolt make things any better 5 chem 328 – organic chemistry ii how hard is it to draw hexagons i was drawing parallelograms in first grade 6 acct 327 – financial reporting if i can account to 10 then i can account to 327 yawn try accounting to 1000 7 nuen 418 – fuel assembly and 3-d reactor core design and modeling no jokes here this class sounds like hell 8 rpts 371 – skills for youth development oh you think this one is just a joke huh you ever tried raising kids i didnt think so this class is a full time job for like billions of people this should be core curriculum 9 mgdn 215 – intro to satire writing literally no one on our staff passed this class do with that what you will just dont judge –cactus jack shameful self promotion: follow us on facebook and twitter (@mugdown) for more stories and pictures of cute corps guys! if that doesnt satisfy you take a peek at some of our older vintage posts
damn girl youre hot this past week i took my loneliness to a new low and created a tinder profile under the name lola lighter apparently lonely isnt a real name lets just say sparks flew and 152 matches later i picked my favorite flames to share with you all who knew flames could be so sexy 1 some people did not seem to care at all that they were talking to a lighter at least this one seemed a little excited 2 others just wanted to figure me out they obviously missed their opportunity with this flame 3 most people were really good at grammar i never figured out who tony was im not entirely sure what this one was even supposed to say 4 these charmers just made it too easy so i did what lighters do best double burn 5 it was obvious that some of these boys listen to too much drake 0 to 100 real quick zero the answer is zero because have you seen what people say on here gag me wait that didnt come out right 6 a few got a good laugh out of the whole thing 7 at least one may have been on the wrong app 8 i tried singing a little to lighten the mood it didnt really work thank you billy joel and barry manilow he really went for it and made up his own lyrics at the copacabana dont fall in love 9 and then the puns all the puns these people actually tried to kindle a relationship with a lighter and here we have a perfect literal description of the life of a lighter bravo sir bravo skeptics am i right it was fun for a while and then it got really old 10 i did let a few people see my true lonely soul in short i feel pretty confident in my decision to never get a personal tinder if this is what the future holds for dating i am pretty freaking terrified xoxo lonely lighter
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1 this adorable couple of corgis beneath the century tree 2 these corps guys are the best of friends 3 theyre just so excited to get their picture taken with sully! 4 workout today was ruff! washing up at the end of a long day 5 this corgi being a model student at the library! 6 this bq strutting his stuff so proud to represent a&m! 7 corps guys just love fall weather 8 chowing down with friends! 9 you can hear these cute corps guys barking early in the morning its just so great to be in the corps! 10 and then theres this b**** -marco ovo queso polo shameful self promotion: follow us on facebook and twitter (@mugdown) for more stories and pictures of cute corps guys! if that doesnt satisfy you take a peek at some of our older vintage posts a big thanks to cassandra wilson photography for the photo of the corps boots on military walk we had an intern accidentally use her photo without permission he has since been flayed as an example to the others always site your sources ya heathens -pope francis
what was really found in the steam tunnels will blow you away! the steam tunnels of texas a&m university everybodys favorite rumor whole websites are devoted to the possible explanation of why they exist texags cant stop talking about what they might contain this website by the famous ti cartographer details the steam tunnels extensively complete with photos and a map for exploring! even we arent immune to the natural wonder of the steam tunnels! well the mugdown sent some journalists down to the steam tunnels to discover what might really lie below we found steam! amazing! who knew the steam tunnels contained steam not us! but now we do and so do you -sbisa cookie
heldenfels hall too many stairs i literally cant even http://wwwgifbincom/bin/1237205252_girl_falls_during_matress_slidegif rudder tower so tall! i didnt know we could have buildings over four stories! i literally cant even! http://giphycom/gifs/cheezburger-kitten-cat-108rs0hxh7gveg memorial student center never any seats nah its cool i dont mind eating my panda on the floor like an animal literally cant even http://iimgurcom/evnr5h0gif kyle field like be finished already like i can even literally not!
you may be hearing a new rally cry throughout campus this holiday season instead of the normal keep christ in christmas dr jim nail professor of religious studies is encouraging his students to put the x back in x-mas following thanksgiving break students have been heard complaining about the excessive number of questions from aunt barb and uncle joe on why they were not in a relationship these came before the complaints about grandmas lack of grandchildren professor nail decided to campaign for change before christmas break the solution to this problem is simple really it lies in the folder of screenshots and awkward girls-hand-on-the-guys-stomach-like-he-is-expecting-a-child couple pictures on our computers you know the ones with our exes that we tell our friends we deleted said professor nail he explained the best way to avoid questions about your relationship status is to get back with your ex whether it just be for a few key events like christmas dinner or new years eve or even for a longer commitment bringing your ex back for christmas is an easier way to deal with your familys constant questions than downing numerous glasses of wine professor nail suggests looking back at those old screenshots and stalking your former significant others twitter favorites in order to see what their idea of a relationship goal looks like if you are unable to make yourself look like zac efron or carrie underwood while also studying for finals in the short time between thanksgiving and christmas break the easiest way to get your ex back is to bribe them with the things that they like best this could be free food free alcohol cheesy compliments or good morning texts said professor nail the truth is that you know your ex best and the chance of finding a new soulmate over the next two weeks of studying for finals while almost everyone including yourself looks like death incarnate is slim professor nail recommends starting slow with a simple hey how have you been! or a quick i heard [insert your relationship song here] on the radio and thought of you hope everything is going well text eventually this should lead to a meal or watching netflix depending on how receptive your ex is in fact it may be possible to create an agenda of holiday events for which you will need each other to be present and a payment of sorts can be arranged for each event who knows maybe you will rekindle the flame and kiss your ex under the mistletoe because if all else fails the mugdown suggests simply sitting down with your ex over a bowl of queso and attacking the issue head on being pestered about your relationship status at family meals is a problem that plagues many and we know that your ex is facing the same dilemma -marco ovo queso polo
with the 2014 texas a&m football season coming to a close many aggie fans are looking forward to a promising fresh startone equipped with a new defensive coordinator a fully renovated kyle field and the number one high school quarterback recruit in the nation–which all serve to indicate great things to come however among the many exciting changes that will be gracing aggieland next fall one proposed change has many students concerned the texas a&m traditions council recently signed off on a proposition that creates and permits the use of a mobile fish pond: a large inflatable pool that will accompany the football team on all away games the porta-pond as its been dubbed will serve as a stand-in following road victories in which travelling members of the corps of cadets will subdue the yell leaders and toss them in this is an opportunity to expand one of our campuss most beloved traditions said alexandra gonzález chairwoman of the traditions council an a&m victory truly is not complete without sealing it with a yell leader swim we do not see any reason why this tradition should be restricted to home games supporters of this new tradition cite texas a&ms impressive win record in road games over the last three seasons with head coach kevin sumlin leading the aggies to a remarkable 14 away wins11 of which were against top 25 ranked teams while there is no denying a&ms laudable away record some students are concerned that broadening this tradition will hold negative consequences winning at kyle field is a special and rare experience said thomas hundley a sophomore agricultural business major who opposes the porta-pond and i would hate to water down that treasured moment by diluting this tradition discussions are expected to continue throughout the offseason but for now it seems to be the case that if we cannot bring the yell leaders to the fish pond we can certainly bring the fish pond to the yell leaders -riffety raff
please make sure your desks are in their full upright position is a phrase business students may be hearing often next year texas a&m announced they would be contracting spirit airlines for the renovation of the lecture hall after numerous complaints that the wehner buildings ray auditorium wehner 113 had an excessive amount of legroom many attendants of a crowded monday lecture vocalized their excitement over the announcement while others discussed some of the rooms current issues they hope will be remedied you can tell how early someone got to class based on how far from the aisle they are only people who show up late sit on the aisle the students who get to class early usually fight over the middle seats because they are the easiest to get out of said marketing major and local tall person william mccormick we placed those rows [of seats] as close together as we thought we could get them but spirit assured us that they have been cramming far more bodies into far tighter spaces for years said interim president mark hussey they promised to squeeze as many students in there as inhumanly possible a number of policy changes will be put in place to minimize the amount of wasted elbowroom and kneespace one of these changes will include a bag check for all students entering the classroom to ensure all carry-in backpacks have cleared the size limit and can fit under the smaller chairs although expensive hussey guaranteed the new renovations will pay for themselves aisle seats will come at an extra charge unless of course you are left-handed in which case you will be free to apply for a handicap chair business class seats will be provided for all business majors while standing room only space will be available along the back and sides of the lecture hall for business minors however for business honors students first class seats located in the back three rows of the classroom will be made available for purchase at the beginning of each semester first class seats will include individual armrests reclining seatbacks and personal screens so they do not have to look at the same projectors as the commoners -honey bear follow @bigoldhoneybear
campus police spokesperson jim beamer announced today that texas a&m has commissioned the university police department to find and take down a ring of influential and possibly dangerous criminals dealing illegal coke across campus coke is a dangerous substance and students cant find it on campus for a reason beamer said in his statement monday campus is not the place for stuff like cokeif you really need it just go to a gas station dont bring it on campus when you can drink delicious pepsi products instead according to the report campus police received an anonymous tip that someone was offering students diet sprite a lower calorie but equally as dangerous coke product in the msc campus police followed the lead and were not able to find the dealer but did find evidence of cherry coke a rarer form of coke that only experienced users know how to handle this stuff is dangerous and people are getting hurt interim president mark a hussey said in an interview for the battalion yesterday our partnership with pepsi is more of an aggie tradition than people realize and coca-cola use is not something we stand for at this great university however not everyone feels the dealers are a threat sophomore abigail greene has launched not only an anti-campus police initiative but has said several times she supports the freedom of students to consume coke coke isnt as harmful as you think greene said to the mugdown in an exclusive interview earlier today the government has lied because they can make more money from busting these dealing rings rather than taxing and regulating itthere is a whole conspiracy going on here i say we stop beverage crime through legalization: not just coke either students should be free to do even harder stuff like fanta though greenes comments disturbed some no one was more terrified of her proposition than aggie republicans member and self-proclaimed redass manuel rosales i know every college has some junkies and some coke-heads but they should have the decency to respect university law and get by on pepsi when they are on university grounds coca-cola is a gateway to more serious things; i dont want good ags wasting their lives on this stuff clearly students are divided on this issue dr hussey and the campus police ask that if somebody offers you coke products on your way to class you call the campus police immediately and are prepared to give your location and a description stay safe mugdown readers and though we take no stance on the issue we do implore you to restrain from consuming coca-cola or other dangerous substances in public settings or at parties where someone might take advantage of you -zero dark eighty
im sorry to inform you of a sorrowful tale that our dear aggie traditions are starting to fail we all know the spirit which can neer be told but it seems that new army has put it on hold i noticed it first at this past weekends trial as an ag on the out twas my last game at kyle i came in nostalgic my heart full of pride but after my visit i was sure that i died the aggies i love the traditions i treasured they lay at my feet defeated and weathered the hisses of old to show our distaste replaced by boos a change that i hate weve become lousy our birds we are flippin all i can utter is homies you trippin! the words in our language integrity fading if we were a movie wed get an r rating! that good ag ol rock he would call you a punk when you show up to games completely piss drunk those lsu tigers whose crudeness is famous the fact we were worse should do nothing but shame us now please man of the twelfth do not simply stand idle and let our good nature become suicidal! so hold back your slurs try not to get rowdy just shut your dang mouth if youre not going to howdy! -beutel call
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the lonely lighter advice column on: the mugdowns guide to mugging down dear lonely lighter i have a confession: i am an 18 year-old male who has never kissed anyone since my secret got out in my dorm earlier this year i have wanted nothing more than to leave my virgin lips in the past the only problem is that i have always been super passionate about waiting for the right person luckily this semester the one waltzed into my life she is in my chem 101 and has the beauty of a sunrise over the himalayas when she walks into a room im pretty sure angels begin to sing my obsession with interest in this beautiful creature led to a dare and now i am legally bound to kiss her at midnight yellor may i suffer the punishment of my roommate naming my first-born child #jehoshaphat seeing as i have no interest in losing this bet and also no experience in kissing a girl i would really appreciate some advice on the matter thanks and mug ‘em sweet kisses for the future mrs dear prezzi of the virgin lip club okay lonely lighter obviously has so much experience in this arena (that was sarcastic–i always feel like i need to clarify over type) but i mean these are the moments your kids and grandkids will be asking you about for the next century and i selfishly want to be a part of that story therefore i took it upon myself to ask all my not-so-lonely friends watch a ton of rom coms and help you out i find it totally sweet that you care so much about this potential most important moment of your life so without further adieu i present to you the best advice i have: the mugdowns guide to mugging down rule number one: say anything have you told her that you like her be honest have you ever even talked to her if not midnight yell may be a pretty forward way to approach the eternal love of your life but hey you miss 100% of the shots you dont take asking a girl out is always a bigger deal in your head than it is irl that being said girls love it when you make a big deal about them so think extravagant when you ask her out find her dorm stand outside of her window with a boombox blast peter gabriels in your eyes or something like that rule number two: practice makes perfect grab your favorite pillow snuggle up to it and give it a smooch whenever i tell people i sometimes do this they look at me funny but i know for sure that they are just trying to cover up the fact that they have tried it too think about different angles: are you taller or shorter is it more natural for you to tilt your head left or right nothing can really substitute for a semi-lifesized practice pillow theyre soft and they dont judge rule number three: dont get too handsy if you dont know what to do with your hands youre gonna have a bad time like how much do you want to impress this girl because its totally impressive to grab her face and just lay one on her but if you want to take it a little slower put your hands on her love handles (theyre called that for a reason) but do not squeezegirls hate that whatever you do respecting your woman is the best thing so dont let those digits creep too far above or below the equator if you know what im saying rule number four: chap up! and i aint talking about those things cowboys wear on their legs invest in some real good chapstick like yesterday girls like soft lips and they would never admit it but they like it with a little flavor too she may have forgotten this important rule so help her out! it wouldnt be weird at all to start off the datenot by bringing her flowersbut by bringing her lip balm you would literally be the balm! rule number five: swak (seal it with a kiss) youve done all of this practice and prep and now its your time to shine! first tell her she looks prettythere is nothing wrong with buttering up your date as soon as the lights go out do not hesitate to lean in for that kiss really if shes cute you should keep kissing her so everyone can see what a hot date you have people secretly love stealing glances at some good pda according to my research (ie hours of watching pride and prejudice the notebook and sixteen candles) when the deed is done pull back slowly look deep into her eyes and just smile as far as i can tell after that you just wait for the scene to fade to black go get ‘em rookie! xoxo lonely
today the stunning 300-gallon saltwater tank located on the bottom floor of texas a&ms memorial student center celebrated its official confirmation as the fourth largest aquarium in the city of college station aglantis as it is affectionately referred to by students was gifted to the university by the texas sea grant and has now housed at least three maybe even four fish over the last year it takes a large tank to accommodate that many fish just how large is the tank aglantis is a mighty two feet wide a jaw-dropping two feet deep and a truly dizzying ten feet long for those who have trouble with such abstractly large numbers that holds roughly the same volume as seven bathtubs or half the amount of water it takes to feel clean after attending a foam party this award is the second for aglantis last year it was named the second biggest waste of money in the msc behind the memory cloud however many expect the tank to make a comeback soon once the kyle field renovation is complete and funding is available there are plans to add a clownfish to the tank the only larger tanks in college station are located in a local dentists office texas a&ms own wildlife and fisheries science department and sally brenners bedroom shes nine -honey bear
college station texas results of a recent study by the college of architecture regarding campus design yielded an interesting and surprising result: the quad home to all twelve corps of cadets dorms and duncan dining center can only be seen and accessed by students who already know of its existence when we reviewed the results from south campus we were shocked to find many students had no idea where our 2 500 cadets are housed and trained said dr shannon van zandt coordinator of the masters of urban planning program intrigued by this finding we asked several students in the msc if they knew about the quad im not sure what youre talking about katy darlett a freshmen living in aston said i look out of my dorm room window and see throckmorton and the roof of koldus the quad asked mark billings a senior history major is that what they renamed that bar on northgate we asked david johnson a sophomore cadet in company b1 about his reaction to the studys results i think its just totally crazy that people just cant even see it i guess that explains why so many people ask if i live on or off-campus despite the fact that im wearing my uniform dr zandt is unsure of the cause of this bizarre occurrence but she has come to call it the room of requirement effect i think its an especially fitting title she adds youve got to ask them for exactly what you need like ‘we need a place to house thousands of kids who only wear camouflage and khaki sometimes it is there and sometimes it is not but when it appears it is always equipped for our aggies needs -north by northgate
some doctors convinced others remain skeptical texas a&m universitys beutel student health center also colloquially known as the quack shack has implemented a new policy in the womens restrooms signs brandishing only toilet paper in toilets litter the stall doors along with artist renditions of several day-to-day items that are prohibited from entering the bowl: toothbrushes keys smartphones and wine bottles among them a janitor commented on the latest restroom reform saying yeah we get a lot o kids droppin more than deuces if you catch my drift i come to beutel regularly for allergy shots and they ask me every single time if im pregnant super-senior and long-time aggie fan megan pursell said it takes almost an hour of convincing them that the only thing im remotely close to being in a relationship with is netflix beutels worse than my insanely jealous ex-boyfriend she went on to say that many female students uncomfortable with the recurring onslaught of questions about their personal business have resorted to extreme measures an on-campus league has formed christening themselves the female leaders against repeated pregnancy inquiries or the flarpi harpies the president of the harpies cecily watson declined to comment on their past injunctions for bringing alcohol into the beutel offices but the harpies are notorious for chugging wine in front of beutels doctors and nurses as a way of proving that the only thing they are expecting is alcoholism continued complaints indicate some doctors are not convinced one witness came forward claiming he had heard screams resonating from the womens clinic one afternoon i heard ‘do you believe me now and then saw this girl run out of a room with what appeared to be a glass bottle in her hand said junior political science major eddie dallas she had wine-soaked lips and the fury of nine rabid dogs in her eyes so i got the hell out of her way but it looked like she was making her way to the bathroom i didnt think anything of it i mean i know about the rumors i even considered joining the harpies after a beutel nurse tried to refer me to an ob/gyn for my recurring nausea because she was convinced i had morning sickness several attempts have been made to contact beutel in an effort to lay this issue to rest but our reporters have been met with hostility and several questionnaires all of which demand are you pregnant if you checked ‘no youre lying -cberg
25 years ago residents of bryan and college station as well as students at texas a&m university and blinn college witnessed history as the bryan wall fell the wall a symbol of separation between bryan and college station stood for decades and served as an effort by the city of bryan to keep residents and students of blinn college from defecting to college station due to the brain drain phenomenon officials in the bryan government correctly predicted at the time that professionals educators and top students would flee bryan for a more modern life in college station and erected the anti-aggie protection rampart more commonly known as the bryan wall or iron curtain dr william h mobley president of texas a&m in 1989 gave a moving speech at the demolition including the oft-quoted from bryan in the north to college station in the south an iron curtain has descended across the county the curtain split the twin towns near the current position of west villa maria road before branching south to follow burton creek until it crossed highway 6 near university drive while the wall is easily forgotten within the folds of history the economic effect of bryans isolationism can still be seen these 25 years later as bryan remains decades behind in development and capital improvements of the city perhaps time can heal these wounds perhaps money regardless today is not a time for speculation today we celebrate freedom in bryan-college station today we celebrate the anniversary of the fall of the bryan wall -north by northgate
the people for the ethical treatment of animals began protesting texas a&ms mascot reveille thursday nov 5 at academic plaza by wearing recreations of reveilles traditional shawl it was embroidered with the phrase free me from my shackles! while insubordinately defecating around campus it is preposterous that a school of higher learning promotes domestication of this majestic creature said brazos county peta organizer arthur james if a&m truly loved reveille the students would allow her to run free through campus doing her business where she desires since speaking out two weeks ago against texas a&ms use of elephants during the campus traditional elephant walk peta has continued protesting the campus for its inhumane treatment of all animals the university continues to degrade living creatures through intrusive invasion of animal privacy and entrapment of wildlife said james parsons mounted cavalry ag-lantis and the universitys various squirrel projects are all examples of this i also have a good hunch that the vet school is a front for useless animal experiments peta took notice of reveille when her handler cadet ryan kreider saved her from a collision with an smu football player during the smu game on sept 20 we have been watching this poor creature since that incident said james a&m is at fault for pampering her and leaving her defenseless if she were to be put in her natural habitat today she would surely die when asked about her lavish lifestyle and accusations of being defenseless reveille viii simply stared at squirrels -silver tapioca
with an overwhelmingly religious student population texas a&m is a common locus for christianizing activities and its local preachers have made their presence quite known at texas a&m they are the ones who can be seen passing out pocket-sized bibles on campus during select times of the year and reciting bible verses when you are too busy stumbling in six-inch heels whilst trying to look sober for the bouncer but the bustle of campus is no match for the preachers striving efforts and they have decided to take on a new approach: confronting the long lines of taco lovers at torchys tacos hunger is hunger whether it is for knowledge or tacos said a local preacher we plan to communicate the word of god at this location because the people here aint going anywhere for a long time and it is in these gluttons best interest to listen torchys tacos unveiled its new college station location on oct 16 and locals have been quite interested as to what a taco eating experience other than fuegos could be like the restaurant has seen masses of people per day and lines during peak time clock in at an average wait of 45 minutes we could not think of a better place that needs saving than at a restaurant that advertises a diaper-wearin baby devil claiming to have ‘damn good tacos said another local preacher upon entering the establishment it is easy to see the restaurant is decorated with a hell motif the counters are bright red and yellow and the walls hold a seven-foot tall mural of flames it is a place where morals are forgotten and the deadly sin of gluttony takes over these ‘damn good tacos are sending people to damnation! said a worried preacher while nervously munching on a trailer park taco -revs cradle
during last weeks severe storms lightning simultaneously struck the grave of a deceased servicemen and a homosexual couple the resulting fire relayed this message to the most holy of congregations the disciples of westboro baptist church my favorite followers the holy and just members of westboro baptist church: throughout the history of my creation i have given blessings to my chosen people for thousands of years the jewish nation has assumed that it was they after another thousand years of getting kicked around by the rest of the world you would think they would get the picture get it together jews clearly the chosen people that are foretold in the old testament are you the proud people of westboro baptist church this is my message to thee unlike those of my blessed congregation that have received untold blessings there is one nation that has actively worked against me and invoked my wrath: the heathens of maroon and white the cursed aggies of texas a&m have openly opposed me ever since they formed that maroon wall around the military funeral my followers protested back in 2012 they have turned college station into a modern gomorrah they have built up a religion of pigskin to raise up their own glory and prosperity trying to make their own promise land they moved to the southeastern football kingdom and tried to become like the other nations that resided there spitting in my face following the leadership of the false prophets of jonathan of the house of football and general sumlinius they built up prestige and power they performed ritualistic chants on a weekly basis worshipping their pigskin gods they spent untold riches and gold on building a larger temple to their god kyle a temple that would contain an untold number of their pagan chants led by their white clad prophets even the most juvenile followers of me acknowledge my most important command: i hate fags the aggies have turned their back on my most treasured ideal and shown tolerance and understanding to these devils they sit back and laugh as enemy makes progress in their crusade against me and for that i cannot forgive them since they refuse to show hate to these fags i must show hate to them i have done much to punish these people i have banished their prophet from the house of football to a place he will never do harm to anyone and have disposed of his disciple plaguing the false prophet of trill with unruliness and distraught after an unfortunate victory against the warriors of the southern kingdom of the realm of carolina i have thrown their idolized football squad into disarray and punished them justly crushing them with a crimson tide much like i wiped away the egyptian army with the crushing tide of the red sea their victory over the tigers was just a tease for my wrath will not truly strike until my chosen people invade their town not just the gomorrah that is college station shall be punished but the whole peoples of texas i have started a plague of ebola in dallas one that will teach these aggies the folly in their ways this sign should be clear enough for them that a sickness in dallas is a clear condemnation of a university several hours away whose foundational ideals i oppose but just to be safe i am sending you my blessed people to carry this message to them on november the tenth if they do not stop their ways people in a totally different city will die obviously
the flag room in the msc lost its studying allure after several students were asked to leave for disrespecting tradition last night junior griffin bronson donned his invisible thinking cap to study for his phys 218 midterm but was promptly accosted by the self-proclaimed tradition guard andrew portsmith the exchange became heated minutes later when portsmith told bronson he was violating the sacred honor of the memorial student center bronson was confused and became belligerent when portsmith forced the issue what are you talking about dude said bronson this is friggin stupid frick! witnesses reported that portsmith was patrolling the msc as he does every monday night in his traditional tradition guard uniform cargo shorts and a bonfire t-shirt for just the third time this semester he spotted an open disregard for tradition and honor when bronson and his friends put on their thinking caps portsmith an avid adherent of the law decided to take it upon himself to inform the group that any head covering other than religious garments were prohibited bronson reportedly motioned to the top of his head to remove the cap but portsmith did not believe that he had actually removed it after violently swiping the air in hopes of knocking it off portsmith insisted that the group leave before he was forced to contact the honor council im just glad i was there portsmith told the mugdown this new army stuff has gone too far whats next people responding ‘good to howdy -commons lobbyist
texas a&ms department of communication was rocked yesterday when the test bank held in the delta gamma sorority house was leaked to the public delta gamma has proudly acknowledged the existence of this test bank for many years lauding it as a definite mark in dgs favor during the tense decision time that is sorority recruitment the bank which contained tests and papers for nearly every comm class on a&ms campus was apparently loaned out by a new addition to the delta gamma family freshman communication major sara hearths volunteered to share a select number of the tests with her first ever study group but before she knew it almost all of the tests had been copied i didnt expect them to take advantage of me so quickly hearths said tears filling her eyes as she remembered the situation some of hearths sisters witnessed the event drawn by the noise of students greedily yelling out test questions and snatching the exams from each other they compared the other students incredibly vicious attempts to get all of the answers for their college careers to a feeding frenzy filled with curiously blonde and perfumed sharks or a stampede of oversized t-shirt wearing wildebeest fights involving hair pulling broke out over the exams for comm 357 which many of the students had heard was particularly challenging alyssa gooding a communications graduate student who works closely with professors in the comm department was disgusted by the leak aggies shouldnt do this its just not right gooding said eloquently expressing her distaste with the skills she learned through her communications degree but what i find most despicable is the lack of respect for tradition some of these tests have been used for decades if thats not proof of the strength of aggie traditions i dont know what is gooding said gooding explained that she feels bad for the professors who will now have to rewrite their exams some for the first time since the university allowed women to become students in the early 1970s none of the comm professors were available for comment as they were busy reading the books from which they already teach -revelicious
sexy reveille requires: dog ears fur trimmed dress maroon or white shawl (optional) and an open invitation for people to call you a b**** all night bonus for couples: bring your handler and see how many interpret the costume as a statement on gender roles sexy corps cadet requires: a sexy military uniform or just a normal military uniform with less buttons as the night goes on bonus for class of 2015: wear your senior gogo boots sexy yell leader requires: a white jumpsuit and your skimpiest 12th man towel bonus: manage to turn a few yells into part of a drunk dance sexy loftin requires: a maroon bow tie fake glasses and a fake mustache or a real one yknow if you can grow one bonus: get someone to kiss you with your fake mustache on sexy sully requires: a fake beard and a literal ton of bodypaint bonus: break even on the cost of the costume from all the pennies you get throughout the night sexy roughneck requires: even more body paint than sully high lace-up boots construction helmet and a chain to get creative with bonus: stripper moves will guarantee that pretty much everyone who recognizes your costume buys you a drink…or at least sticks a few singles in your waistband sexy beutel nurse requires: not much really just reuse your sexy nurse costume from last year except this time with either a homemade beutel sign or nametag dont worry if anyone asks for medical help prescribe ice and rest bonus: take a shot every time someone thinks youre a sexy ebola nurse double bonus: bring a pack of cigarettes to smoke on all your breaks sexy century tree requires: i dunno just like some twigs and leaves you can pick up staggering around northgate you can just say its an eve costume until you find enough bonus: any hookups end in marriage sexy aggie squirrel requires: fake ears fake tail matching dress and an erratic personality bonus: spend the evening making cracking various nut-related puns double bonus: find sexy century tree and become best friends sexy 12th man towel requires: large white towel and a few maroon markers bonus points: add a karate kid shower costume to complete the look sexy ng ratchet requires: your usual ng attire but with even lower standards bonus: send pictures to all of your friends on snapchat sexy upd officer requires: sexy police officer uniform (available at literally any store this time of year) and a pair of handcuffs bonus: ride a segway giving out fake tickets all night to sexy ng ratchet (there is a chance that more than one person will pick that costume) sexy rapping professor requires: bose headphones and a water bottle bonus: actually rap sexy a&m offense be the tease you are and never actually show up -honey bear
senator matt gee is rising in popularity…but not in the election polls senator gee in his first term as a senator in the off campus caucus was caught this past week in public with a corps escort the corps of cadets operates an escort service providing members of the corps to accompany lonely patrons around campus the number is surprisingly accessible to all students and can be found on the back of every student id card i dont understand why this is such a big deal…he simply walked me to koldus senator gee said that was it nothing more we think there is something more late last night we received correspondence from another student senator confirming the rumors to not only be true but worse than we first believed yeah he calls the escort service all the time our anonymous source revealed he even has a burner phone just for those special calls when asked how he learned this information the anonymous source muttered something about a missing cowboy hat and hung up the phone mugdown asked senator gee how he thinks this will affect his chances to win in the midterm elections we dont have midterms here… senator gee said sounds like a defeated candidate to us senator gee says he will continue to enjoy the escort service as normal and suggests all students to give it a try at least once nothing quite like having binders full of cadets! -sbisa cookie eat or die
instead of the usual slurring of lets go to fuego! or drunk girls screaming oh my gosh this is my song! students may be hearing a new phrase on northgate thanks to sophomore biology major ashley smith in a town where the only late night bites include the ever popular fuego taco cabana or mcdonalds smith believed that something had to be done to bring the staple 24 hour 7 days a week open on all holidays waffle house to college station some of my fondest memories have been made in the horribly cleaned booths of a sketchy waffle house at odd hours in the morning some of these experiences i do not remember ill admit it said smith but i do know that my all star special with scrambled eggs a regular waffle biscuits and gravy sausage and a chocolate milk with water on the side is a staple in my late night diet no matter how much regret i feel in the morning and i knew that i needed to bring it to college station after spending what seemed like hours researching how to bring waffle house to college station smith figured out exactly how to do just that in case you were unaware which im sure you were you cannot just decide to make a waffle house a current franchise owner is the only person who can create a new waffle house so i did what i had to do and found an owner and married the guy making him promise to open a waffle house in college station said smith the nuptials were held over spring break including an open bar a fuego queso fountain and a waffle house breakfast buffet for all the waffle house will be built near the intersection of college avenue and university drive smith is unsure how this arrangement will work out due to the proximity of ihop but promises that a drunk stomach prefers waffle house to ihop any day plans are in review to create a statue to forever memorialize the aggieland deity for her hard work and sacrifice to bring consistently mediocre waffles to ags -marco ovo queso polo
the blue bell factory in brenham has had record sales this week due to aggies coping with their emotions over the end of our short reign as a football dynasty i guess you could say it has been a rocky road for a&m fans this year but hey dont listen to the haters pay no attention to the rankings – those are what mean girls who lack confidence do to make themselves feel better you dont have to break up with the team to have an excuse to give yourself a personal day you dont even have to take time off; bye week is built in there for you go to the spa get your nails done theyre probably bitten down to the quick after watching some of the games from this season we know good bull huntings nails are gone thats why they needed someone to step up as they spend the next week and a half in tears they needed someone who thrives on negative emotion who positively rejoices when things have gone to hell they needed professionals they needed … the mugdown and now without further ado the mugdown is proud to present this weeks issue of the tailgate
2:31 am saturday february 8th it was a cold peaceful night on the northside of campus as the walton warriors were resting soundly after a long friday of guarding their precious walton hill however in only a few minutes the battle for walton hill would take place armed with a nerf-gun in one hand and a 12th man towel in the other the southside syndicates would soon assault walton hill for a battle that was surely to be remembered for at least that weekend with the four nations of dunn krueger mosher and aston united under the commons pact of 1997 they were certain to conquer walton hill that night the air was thin and the stench of northgate could be smelled from a mile away the plan was simple: dunn would be recon at all-faiths chapel providing the other three nations with intel krueger would be at the front lines with a direct assault coming from military walk mosher would soon flank from sbisa dining hall while aston would be stationed near schuhmacher hall to prevent any reinforcements the horn blew and the attack began the walton warriors woke immediately and were reaching their holy barbeque grill just as krueger was stepping onto the base of walton hill walton knew that this was quite possibly the biggest battle of its life all their determination and patience in guarding the hill for hours a day would be tested knowing that reinforcements from other northside halls was unlikely it was a job only walton could handle through their provocative and profanity-heavy yells they began to demoralize and offend the krueger troops eventually causing retreat however the flank of mosher hit swift and true the walton warriors were failing their commander junior ag leadership major rob johnson used his vast knowledge of military leadership skills to boost waltons morale but it was useless mosher had already taken over the hill with aston troops moving in to secure the victory commander rob johnson died that night his finals words were short but urgent before breathing his last johnson softly whispered to freshman chad rogers you must retake the hill they cannot learn our sec- johnson was dead a sea of walton residents looked on outfitted in their traditional attire: cargo shorts and too-small t-shirts the southside syndicates took the hill that night but nobody knows of freshman chad rogers location anonymous sources state that he is planning to retake walton hill but we may never know due to a lack of interest in the hill by practically everyone -duncan dough
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ive seen em lose and ive seen em win and now ive seen em quit the aggies lost to the ole miss rebels 35-20 in a game that was less close than the score indicated fortunately undergraduate football teams are normally permitted four q-drops during their collegiate careers after using three of them to eliminate losses against the tigers from last season the aggies have decided to q-drop their most recent loss when a student decides to q-drop a class there is no longer an incentive for them to show up to lectures it became clear that the aggies were going to be dropping this game by the end of the third quarter and fans left accordingly weve been preaching consistency in practice and our boys delivered coach kevin sumlin said after the game they have consistently underperformed these last three weeks fortunately with the q-drop our guys have a chance to start over fresh while q-dropped losses do not affect the ap or coaches rankings the losses are removed from the official team scoreboard now the aggies can live in a blissful ignorance about their abilities for at least one more week just be glad we scheduled a cupcake game in tuscaloosa this saturday -cactus jack
for aggies looking to propose there are few places more romantic than the century tree its massive size and arching branches make it a scenic locale and the long standing tradition surrounding it make the century tree the destination of choice for aggies to get engaged not all couples however are able to share in this tradition and as of this week some students on campus have made an effort to reinforce that fact lately members of the texas aggie conservatives have been standing guard at the century tree preventing homosexual couples from walking under it the gays arent allowed to get married in texas so were not sure if the tradition will still work john newman senior agriculture major said i wouldnt want them to miss out on the magic it is a well known tradition that the person you walk under the century tree with will be your soulmate for life but if marriage laws dont change in texas will the tradition still apply some members of the aggie conservatives believe that the tradition could even backfire lets say two men walk under [the century tree] but since they cant get married it refuses to pair them up and instead decides they can never be together that would be tragic abigail alders sophomore poultry science major said if they could find a way to replant the century tree in california i would be all over that samuel cook senior ag leadership major said i just cant on my good conscience let these gay couples take the risk some couples were initially offended by this couples like lisa kiev and jenny wang but have since reconsidered their opinion on the matter we were just going to walk under the tree as something cute to do but i never really considered the implications wang said i dont even know lisa that well turns out thats not even her real name its molly i mean what else is she not telling me the work of the aggie conservatives has saved many relationships from tragic decoupling and many singles from making the wrong choice i need to rethink this i owe these conservative guys big time wang said it may not be a fair world for all but the texas aggie conservatives are fighting for equality and justice for a minority that has suffered greatly from discrimination in this country come rain snow or shine you can always find one of their members guarding the century tree and standing for what is right true love shall conquer all cook said and we intend to see that happen -samurai sully
some people hate me some people dont even realize i exist however some people will follow me to the ends of the earth i am your humble spirit bus driver and ive embarked on a quest to experiment on the fragile minds of the students of texas a&m jason hurdle once sprinted a quarter mile along side my door in hopes that i would let him in hayden thumps started beating the door as i drove past his route 15 stop in your weakest moments i flash the out of service notice but my favorite shade of desperation is the long-distance haul as a driver when you see someone a good distance away that you know is coming for your bus you have two choices really: wait or drive away i personally like to toy with my prey i see them coming make sure to lock eyes to show them that i see them then i shut my door this puts an extra bit of desperation in their eyes they increase speed next i take off the parking brake to show them that im ready to move this is the kiss of death to them they now have two choices: haul (red)ass to my bus or give up and wait for the next bus its during this internal strife that i am at my best as soon as i see which decision theyve made i act tuesday morning i was sitting in my route 6 bus outside the msc i saw heather white just passing rudder statue i had only just arrived but she didnt know this for all she knew i was ready to depart as she made her way through the ‘free speech zone she must have thought she had a shot at making my bus when she made it to the eye contact phase i locked eyes and nodded she showed relief then i closed my door this caused her to do a skip step to pick up her pace just as soon as she began at the new faster pace i lifted my brake she made an all-out sprint almost knocking over an elderly professor to reach me now usually once ive seen them commit i take off and leave them running for nothing but this one was special she ran as hard as she could until she reached me once she was on board i waited four whole minutes to depart welcome to my world you are all just along for the ride -commons lobbyist
in the age of commercialism it can be easy finding money to fund the largest stadium in the sec new stadiums are not cheap but they can be if your values are studies have shown that the best way to finance a large elite athletics program is to take the most iconic most traditional most respected representations of your university and market the s*** out of them it recently came to the universitys attention that reveille viii had a large amount of unused space on her shawl under the supervision of jason cook a small marketing team fresh out of wehner high knew just how to capitalize on what previously had been wasted potential we actually drew our inspiration from nascar said senior associate athletics director for external affairs jason cook it was not easy finding a sport more heavily saturated with advertising than football the work they do there is breathtaking nothing says texas a&m more than beloved mascot reveille viii and nothing begs for a cash grab like the already highly televised first lady of aggieland however with the increasing competition from universities to out bigger and better each other texas a&m is looking to capitalize on more of the universitys famous icons coming soon to campus will be the newly remodeled wwe academic thunder-dometm where you can purchase your new bed bath & beyond 12th man towel-ettestm while snacking on some tasty kelloggs century tree-tstm now if only we could get coca-cola -honey bear dont forget to put a penny or two on sully as you leave; five percent of your donation will be passed along to the susan g komen make-a-salvation foundation nation club
it is no secret that starbucks is in high demand at texas a&m since the msc brought the franchise to campus in 2013 it has been clear that aggies appetites could not be satiated with only one decent on-campus coffee center the texas a&m student body rejoiced when the school announced the replacement of evans librarys poor yoricks with starbucks this past summer however this cause for celebration quickly became a thorn in the side of a special population on texas a&ms campus: basic white girls you know who they are if you do not have a good image of this person look in the the evans library starbucks line for the girl in yoga pants and an oversized t-shirt with a face contorted into the perfect snapchat to send to her bff if that does not help you it is likely because this describes every girl in line as well as some of the boys the line at starbucks has grown into a source of contempt among many on campus but the arguably most affected are the baristas karen westwood former full-time barista reminisced on her time working in a place she described as a hellhole i lasted for the first week but then i had to quit said westwood i couldnt stand the stress knowing that any moment somebody might throw coffee in my face luckily for the baristas that remain the lovely women in line value their sweet black nectar of life over steaming vigilante justice the real question is why these unsatisfied customers continue to return five weeks into the semester the demand for coffee remains high whilst the supply remains low economics major michael hendricks admitted that the evans library starbucks was the best argument for capitalism he had witnessed since he attended the meeting for aggie conservatives this past week its amazing how faithful people are to a good product hendricks said my twitter feed will be full of people who ‘literally cant even over the starbucks line and the very next day i will see those same individuals walking out of the library with white chocolate mochas in hand in response to the high-pitched whines of basic girls across campus the evans library starbucks has promised to hear out every last screeching complaint the customer is always right said manager renaldo montoya so in the coming weeks we will be implementing a line cut-off once the line reaches a certain length we will no longer allow others to step in thereby guaranteeing the shortness of the line! mr montoya assures us that his plan is fool-proof the mugdown did confirm that this cut-off will be defined by physical space and not head-count therefore it will be to everyones advantage to ensure that only the skinny(est) latte lovers get in line -lonely lighter
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with the years most anticipated election upon us we take to social media to learn more about this years candidates where besides twitter can one find valuable and objective information concerning a candidates viewpoints unless someone made a website for their freshman class president campaign you probably cant find it anywhere thats why the mugdown is here to help its time to rock the vote! campus may be rid of campaign banners but social media is never safe the beauty of the fall election is that it doesnt matter scratch that actually if you are a freshman or one of the dozens of people who werent elected in the spring it may matter to you im not saying that this election isnt a big deal voting is important mark my words the mugdown loves democracy we just love the petty and over-the-top campaigning part of democracy the most with that its time for some freshman class president election campaign analysis courtesy of our friends over at #tamu18 yes freshman class president be an informed voter go to bres4prescom for more pics of flaming footballs wait a second someone actually made a website just because you dont have a website doesnt mean you dont care take donya for instance before you vote on thursday he wants you to and i quote tell your friends your pets even family lets get a black guy in office im not obama tho! now that is a promising candidate lets go to twitter and see what else he has to say rt to help donya get punctuation someone needs to remind these candidates that this is not a student body president election whats that about half of these people are probably going to run for sbp in three years nevermind our next two candidates are using social media to push election facts putting money on this picture being recycled for his sbp campaign i think he meant holla but who knows holl could be some confusing new word like trill we saved the best for last actually we legally cannot say that donya paid us good money to endorse him and this would be breaking our contract that last part isnt true what is true is that it looks like the corps may not make an endorsement this year because two fish cadets are running also who the hell gets endorsements when they are running for freshman class president but if i was a gambling man id say orourke probably has the advantage check out this tweet hes a servant yall poor fish doesnt know that we elect power hungry and insincere people every year theyre called senators you may be wondering why we didnt cover senate elections if you are youre probably campaigning for student senate yourself and just wanted the publicity dont get your panties in a wad though even if you are elected statistics show that you are probably going to drop out before your term anyway theres a special club for people that last a full term it meets at obannons and its run by cary cheshire sorry for the rant im a bit jaded now that you are an informed voter the choice is yours there is a pointless election today and a bunch of freshmen that want your vote are waiting be a good ag and go to votetamuedu today and tomorrow election results should be announced friday evening after all 200 votes have been counted -cactus jack
dear mugdown you suck how could you sell out to the man you used to be cool but you changed you became an official student organization of texas a&m i would wonder why you dont just ask to become the universitys personal lapdog but i guess the batts been trying to take reveilles place for years sincerely richard we received this email early this morning and felt it was an issue we should kindly address for all our readers hey dick i see your point but you dont know the full story here we sold out but we sold out for a great price we didnt become texas a&ms 1025th official student organization for chump change here check this out as a student organization were free to use the official a&m logo no legal repercussions thats pretty nice oh yeah thats the stuff it also makes us an official and legitimate representation of the university yeah us officially representing a&m let that wash over you for a second weve also got ourselves a sweet advisor now our advisor is pretty much the obi-wan to our luke the dumbledore to our harry the splinter to our ninja turtle what else do we get funding sweet sweet funding maybe i dunno well see the sofc says the money starts flowing once were considered obedient and when we dance monkey dance whatever that means those people are weird and so we boldly go where no a&m newspaper has gone before no seriously the good bull and the battalion arent recognized student organizations so as far as were concerned were a more legitimate a&m news source than either of them in conclusion did we sell out yes yes we did <3 honey bear and the mugdown staff
after complaints by fans that the scoreboard added the freshman 15 a bit too early in the year the kyle field media staff took a hard look at their equipment to make sure everything was square the video board now the largest in the country was made to maximize image quality but the unintended consequence was maximizing several peoples beer bellies university officials were not able to determine what is causing the image to appear so wide until friday evening trying to avoid culpability several university administrators pointed to other flaws on campus to shift blame i would take a good hard look at dining services said athletic director eric hyman some of them look like the students who ate the 12th man dining services quickly pushed the blame away from themselves citing evidence that outsourced food actually decreases students appetites because the lowest dining option is $600 many students dont even eat on campus fred wencel the senior director of food operations said i would be surprised if the weight gain was our fault we try to deter students from eating on campus after a week of finger-pointing and name-calling the problem was finally discovered it turns out that a ridiculously rectangular screen was stretching the image because of the image crisis 12th man productions immediately made the shift to a new experimental camera developed by a joint task force of engineering students and the liberal arts college the shift in camera equipment will only have minor costs allowing the projected total to be $200 million to switch to the new cameras it will be added to the kyle field redevelopment budget -commons lobbyist
the lonely lighter advice column on: how to like football if you dont like football – a girls guide hey lonely i have an embarrassing confession: i cant like aggie football i know; im a total two-percenter but i have really tried there are so many rules and its so hot at games last week i faked passing out because i wanted to leave early when all my friends wanted to stay! im desperate and for the next three months my social life is revolving around this issue do you have any advice on how to fake it better or maybe even become a little more redass thanks & gig ‘em (is that what im supposed to say) practically skim hey skim alright ill be honest i usually dont help two-percenters but the less of you there are the better plus your willingness to change makes you like slightly more palatable hopefully these tips will help you to actually enjoy the best four hours of your week lets talk pre-kickoff one thing that always works in any boring situation is hydrating everyone feels more comfortable with a drink in hand! while water will make the games less physically miserable alcohol will make the games more mentally tolerable you choose which is more important additionally free food is a major plus for tailgates you dont have to contribute anything except a few semi-real friendships with the hosts honestly tailgates are the only place i can think of that will give you legitimately delicious and completely free food all of this is great but the real best part about tailgates is all the small talk you get to enjoy with people who you never see and dont care about dont hate the players hate the game (if you have to) if you havent noticed yet there are some fine specimens of manliness running around in front of you not only are they naturally (sorry but that aint natural honey thats hours in the gym everyday) ripped but the pads they are wearing accentuate just about everything exhibit a – #38 drew kaser: 12thmancom 247sportscom if those eyes and that smile dont just hit you in the heart then maybe you havent looked at his butt (also he is now a heisman contender according to toast with toates thats like the football equivalent of being americas next top model) exhibit b – #20 trey williams: 12thmancom okay stop staring at those arms and notice how good he is with children! have you ever seen a happier baby exhibit c – #56 mike matthews #96 jay arnold and #1 brandon williams: mike matthews via 12thmancom jay arnold via brent zwerneman brandon williams via 12thmancom girl i dont know your life but maybe those first two didnt do it for you maybe youre not a butt-loving child-caring girl; maybe youre into luscious locks jay arnold recently took a bold move with his mullet/beard combo and is honestly rocking it now people get their hair cut all the time but mikey and brandon have the kind of hair that softly tells you to put away the scissors and run your fingers through it slowly and tenderly when the aggies score we score boyfriends are great boyfriends during football season are better not only do you have the promised make-out session of midnight yell the night before but during the game when the aggies put points on the board your so puts points on your board if you know what im sayin (; okay you probably have no idea what i am saying because that made no sense at all basically aggies score = stadium-wide pda i know you never thought the day would come at such a conservative school but with as many points as we are putting up each game this whole impromptu make-out thing is getting pretty commonplace yummy ^^^could be you^^^ added bonus: maybe your boyfriend will even love you enough to teach you a few things about football fake it ‘til you make it last but certainly not least there are some key phrases that will work at any game at almost any time that will not only help you feel smart but might actually convince those around you that you actually are forget understanding just yell stuff most of the time the noise is appreciated use the following lines any time you need to trick your friends into thinking you know whats going on: defense wins championships! pull this jewel of wisdom out if people start chanting wrecking crew also… chant wrecking crew like all the time whoop! just let it out randomly when the crowd seems excited if youre a freshman or sophomore then opt for the half-hearted woo! to avoid pushing because freshmen do not whoop thats bad bull and bad bull loses games and trust me we dont want to lose games who paid these referees if the crowd seems upset shouting this one is guaranteed to have people turning to agree with you get ‘em! and/or go! go! go! use these well whenever anyone is running really for extra points gauge the crowds reaction when the running stops use the appropriate whoop! or who paid these refs to start a super combo! with these few tips you will be able to fool at least the other dirty two-percenters youll probably be standing with heres to hoping you bump up to at least a three-percenter with love lonely lighter have your own questions need a little life advice weve got great news for you! lonely lighter answers questions from schmucks like you every week! if askags scares you and you know your friends judge you send your questions to [email protected]!
college station tx rumors about the famed and beloved texas a&m university mascot reveille viii are circulating of a possible pregnancy for the first lady of aggieland it is no secret that miss rev is prone to take naps virtually everywhere she goes but it seems to have escalated recently this sudden onset of exhaustion is a typical sign of pregnancy but this evidence by itself is not a definitive indication of a future litter this decision [for reveille viii to retire] was reached in consultation with her veterinarians at the college of veterinary medicine & biomedical sciences interim president mark hussey wrote in the email sent out to the student body this is a clear attempt by the university to prevent a scandal any pregnancy out of wedlock causes raised eyebrows especially at one of the most conservative schools in america so a pregnant single mascot is anything but ideal however it is also possible that the veterinarian staff has identified the possible risks facing a pregnant reveille with the recent announcement of her retirement suspicions have begun to grow retiring at the age of nine is relatively young; most of her predecessors went on to serve for at least ten years it is possible that a life of constant naps in full sized beds and a fanatic adoration by the student body drew her to an early retirement yet rumors of a particularly exciting nap continue to confirm the suspicion that miss rev is in fact pregnant but if those two factors were not convincing enough recall the events of saturday sept 20 when miss rev was about to be the victim of a brutal collision her handler ryan kreider made the defensive move of the day by body checking southern methodist universitys wide receiver out of the way as one of the only people with knowledge of her situation this was obviously a move to protect not only reveille but her puppies i was just doing my job said kreider i have to protect the future er present of aggieland the protection kreider provided was paramount to the future of texas a&ms mascot chain as reveille x will likely come from this litter of puppies the facts are almost undeniable lady rev is pregnant only one question remains: who is the father -lone star lady and beutel call
only moments after kyle kelly finished his prayer to the hebrew god before the first football game against lamar another god stirred in spectacular wrath zeus began to throw down lightning bolts to punish the bigotry of the aggies for hours zeus threw bolt after bolt declaring that the god of moses was not alone when he finally grew weary of the practice zeus allowed the game to go on tossing a bolt here and there when the ncaa officials blinked the game went on with a convincing win for the aggies perhaps thanks to the prayer that kelly sent up at the outset the following week the god of abraham knowing that he was showed up in front of lamar took a preemptive move to show the aggies that he was still relevant he sent a flood from the heavens the rain didnt make much of an impact on the good students of aggieland and the game against rice came as scheduled again kelly prayed this time calling the god of jacob with echoing force to bless the game and the injured as the stadium amplified the prayer another god awoke with the monotheistic blasphemy still ringing in his ears poseidons rage took shape with the field still saturated from the other gods rain poseidon dug in after every play he shook the ground patches of grass erupted from the field and flew across the earth holes appeared in place of solid ground with calculated precision poseidon toyed with the grounds crew for four quarters the raging gods wreaked havoc on the aggies and their win over the owls came by a slim margin however the unrest above did not end with the final whistle the battle continues after a rescheduled venue for breakaway on tuesday the balance of power shifted again wednesday afternoon students emerged from class to find apollo fanning the blaze of the sun while the god of joseph forced rain to fall once more the contradicting weather caused many students to seek shelter while others were paralyzed by fear through it all the chaos above was evident around 5:00 the gods finally reached a peace agreement and the god of noah sent a beautiful sky-spanning rainbow to promise the students that the strife was over not to be outdone iris sent a second rainbow just a bit higher than the first -commons lobbyist
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last week texas a&m student health services unveiled a plan to install new vending machines across campus however instead of pepsi products and starbucks frappuccinos these state-of-the-art dispensers will contain a stock of the medicinal variety each dispenser will be equipped with various prescription strengths of the drug amphetamine sulfate commonly referred to as adderall martha dannenbaum director of student health services made the announcement this past wednesday as an elite university we are proud to provide our students with the premier tools to ensure their utmost success said dannenbaum both in the classroom and in their future careers the announcement comes on the heels of numerous meetings between texas a&m officials and teva pharmaceutical industries the primary manufacturer and patent holder of adderall and the fast acting variant adderall xr reports indicate that the university was first contacted by representatives from the pharmaceutical giant this summer and they began meeting soon after meetings were very productive said texas a&m board member jacob holland who was assigned to the specialized task force i admit that i was skeptical at first in light of the concerning evidence of long term dependence and addictive tendencies related with the drug but [teva pharmaceuticals] allowed us to test the product and i have to say it was the most engaging meeting i have ever been a part of we nailed down the details in 15 minutes and spent the remaining eight and a half hours discussing the irreversible consequences of 17th century imperialism on the indigenous gecko population of southern guatemala early details about the dispensers indicate that they will accept cash and credit card although technical difficulties with the latter indicate that credit cards will only be readable approximately one out of every twelve attempts additionally inside sources revealed that there is considerable discussion pertaining to the allowance of dining dollars as a form payment student health services has also announced a plan to incorporate the writing of adderall prescriptions at the on campus beutel health center the test which is to be administered by teva officials is rumored to consist of participants sitting in a room popcorn reading excerpts from ayn rands dystopian novel atlas shrugged prescriptions are allotted to students who elect to leave the room dannenbaum concluded the announcement by saying study drug abuse has long been a concerning issue at universities across the country with students willing to do anything in order to get a competitive advantage over their classmates we at texas a&m hope to transform that abuse into a service the problem into a solution -riffety raff
aggies attending the football game this weekend witnessed a special treat: the rice middle school improv group affectionately nicknamed the mob as the rice middle school band performed at halftime the improv group was allowed to join their classmates on the field to perform a small skit they put together all by themselves since 1970 the rice middle school band has been performing controversial halftime shows while dressed as 1920s gangsters weve been using middle school students for years said chuck throckmorton director of the mob we would use college students because they are much more talented but when they get that old they realize theyre too cool for it and all it has been over four decades since the mob has been allowed to play in kyle field and their parents couldnt be more proud im just so happy for my little petey said julia barnes mother of peter barnes who would have thought that all those years playing in the backyard by himself would have amounted to anything the mob performed a skit poking fun at johnny manziel giving the bird to the washington redskins a few weeks back although most of the parents who attended the performance were excited some parents didnt quite agree with some of the skits racier details i just cant believe they wanted to throw the fingerand you know which onefor all those people to see said deborah gerwitz mother of piccolo chair eugene gerwitz along with a few other parents mrs gerwitz insisted that the children censor the questionable gesture the middle finger thing was a bit too much said throckmorton i actually thought we might get banned for another few decades the 12th man was mildly entertained by the affair but more importantly not a sabre was drawn last saturday evening perhaps this is due to what the aggies felt was a lackluster show we might have tried to lynch them when they mocked dead reveille said senior yell leader roy may but at least that performance was good -samurai sully
forget the banners forget the informationals forget the endless tank-top wearing sophomores asking if you are class of 2019 or not the flo chart is here backed by years of research and data gathered from all corners of campus the flo chart is proven to ease the worries of which freshmen leadership organization you want to join here at the mugdown we guarantee 100% satisfaction and a stress-free decision making process all you need to do is follow the flow… -sbisa cookie and honey bear
this sunday thousands of students and ones of buyers crowded into the memorial student center to participate in the msc open house the msc open house is a biannual texas a&m tradition allowing new students to discover student organizations in the fun and relaxed atmosphere of being slowly trampled to death the confused buyers and their equally puzzled real estate agents did not understand how so many young college students had the resources to potentially invest in such prime real estate a few were panicked at the prospect of a bidding war breaking out between so many people ive never seen an open house quite like it as far as the property goes i wasnt sure how the quidditch cosplayers were supposed to win me over but the belly dancers brought me back on board said james bockman a local real estate agent for aggieland properties i even met a democrat! not everyone was so enthusiastic frightened buyers and agents alike were found hiding from the mob by admiring the carpet beneath the tables they took cover under and commenting on the great open floor plan of the bathroom stalls in which they hid however a few had the courage to brave the crowd one of the poor things was trying to place a bid with an improv group when i spotted him said elizabeth armstrong a student worker the hapless man thought himself the owner of every blue couch in the flag room any room he could name while pinching his tongue and an invisible penguin named frank for a full four hours the attendants of the open house were jostled around between hundreds of similarly distinctive organizations but despite the mayhem most managed to escape with both their lives and a small rainforests worth of fliers -honey bear follow @bigoldhoneybear
heres this weeks sunday comic yup our sunday comic ya know cuz its sunday and all *cough* yeah okay um heres the comic click to see it full resolution follow @bigoldhoneybear
the lonely lighter advice column on: how to not be a total freshman hey lonely im a freshman here at texas a&m but i keep hearing everyone talk about how annoying and oblivious freshmen are i dont want to be that freshman how does a fish hide that hes a fish any advice for keeping my true self under wraps thanks fish in the closet hey flounder theres no way to stop being a fish but with enough practice and a few pointers you may just be able to trick people into thinking youre something youre not! if you really want the secret to blending into the more mature suave crowd here are a few tips on how not to look like a total freshman you didnt actually know yourself in high school at the very least who you were in high school was lame really think about who you are and make the appropriate changes most freshmen arent brave enough to make bold changes coming right into college but just going for it really makes you stand out as someone who is mature enough to really know himself or herself on a deeper level go by your middle name; drastically change your haircut or hair color; find a tattoo that expresses the new you and plaster it across your back maybe these arent even things you want to do but try them out anyways! whether you change your wardrobe or your vocabulary you will be much happier knowing that you chose your identity read all of your syllabi before you go to your classes syllabi are horrendously undervalued tools to classroom success they are literally written instructions to pass class that semester and students making as in that class will be able to practically quote them however dont think that means you have to read them all youll spend your first week going over syllabi pick a class at random and read its syllabus all syllabi are essentially the same so youll be set for all your classes for the week after that if you really want to impress your professors learn this easy trick for success you only get one first impression – dress up for class dont be that kid who obviously is exercising their newfound independence by not showering professors tas and classmates are deciding even on that first day who is worth their time who really deserves that help on their homework or the extra bump at the end of the semester practice your handshake introduction and that charming smile and introduce yourself to your professor so that you really can seal the deal it truly stands out when you are one of the 40 people at the end of class that introduces themselves and reiterates how excited they are for this class! remember the lanyard is your most valuable accessory look around you and count how many of your on-campus-peers are already investing in the handy handless technique of the lanyard the lanyard is the ideal item to carry your dorm key and student id around just punch a hole in the corner of your id and clip it around your neck youll never have to dig for it in your purse or wallet again! because lanyards come in so many different styles there is sure to be one out there that matches your personality perfectly! be sure to add/follow everyone you meet on facebook twitter and instagram as soon as you meet them – maybe even while youre standing there talking to them its not creepy facebook twitter and instagram are your social encyclopedia for the next four years if you want to be able to keep track of everyone youve met you actually have to do this most people find their friends dont care enough by adding them immediately it shows how committed you are to your new friendship be sure to remind them to accept your friend request! otherwise you and your friends will find yourselves horribly embarrassed when you dont remember each others names for the fourth time additionally you will always have something to talk about by bringing up that thing they did in high school that you saw while you were creeping through scrolling past their photos on social media! if you want to be well known and well loved the aggie class of 2018 group on facebook makes that really easy (click here to join now!) the aggie class of 2018 is a great resource for just about anything post on the wall all the time to start meaningful discussion with your fellow classmates topics ranging anywhere from what is your spirit animal to how do you feel about abortion/ obama/healthcare/gay rights/legalization of weed/gaza/ the fact that children in africa have no clean water/the possibility of life in outer space are all acceptable topics the more you post the better you will be known even consider starting your campaign for student body president or junior yell leader right now! experiment this can generally be left up to your own interpretation go forth and conquer never forget that today could be the day you meet your future husband/wife someone is always watching and you never know if that someone could actually be the one believe what you want to but very reliable sources on yahoo answers tell me that a great majority of people have already met their future spouse by age 18 that is your age you could literally meet them in your next class with this in mind dont hesitate to sit next to that cutie youve been eyeing on the third row or to say yes to that fish in the corps who has now asked you to midnight yell for the third time speak exclusively in aggie-isms and acronyms if you want to prove that you really know the culture at texas a&m say howdy to everyone you pass use words like good bull and redass often learn what poor yoricks was and where the quad is the acronyms are just as important as the colloquialisms if you dont know what the letters msc hecc o&m fhk flo dg bg ct bq ra ta ca ga cstat tamc ng dd igdiyt tfm and gdi signify you will be totally lost dont worry your phones autocorrect will catch up soon enough join lots and lots and lots of organizations you quickly learn that the only way to feel like a part of texas a&m is to get involved on campus organizations are a great way to meet people and put to good use all that free time when your mom starts to worry about when you will have time to study for that big math exam just kindly remind her that its not the grades you make but the hands you shake the aggie network doesnt have its renown for nothing i hope this article will help you navigate your freshman year flounder follow these simple rules and i promise no one will ever know youre a fish! with love lonely lighter ps fake ids from rhode island are the best way not to look like a freshman on northgate have your own questions need a little life advice weve got great news for you! lonely lighter answers questions from schmucks like you every week! if askags scares you and you know your friends judge you send your questions to [email protected]!
the tamu panhellenic community was relieved to learn that by the end of this years stressful recruitment week only four girls had committed suicide an all time low many feared the record number of young women entering such a stressful environment would lead to a spike in the suicide rate thankfully that was not the case still the week was not without its tragedies i was so excited for my daughter to go through recruitment like i did during my time at a&m it breaks my heart that she would make a decision like this she had so much potential said susan mckinney mother of one of the victims a week of sleepily trudging through the texas heat left many girls with nightmares of wiping sweat away with coffee filters while sorority girls screeched and clapped in unison these haunting flashbacks proved to break four of this years young normally strong-willed women among them was kasey mckinney who was found saturday morning on the floor of her bathroom after crying herself to sleep the night before additional stress was added to this years recruitment process due to the banning of chick-fil-a products for all current and potential sorority members i would kill myself before going a week without chick-fil-a said brittani wyler a current member of kappa alpha theta despite wylers insensitive remarks the tamu community has reached out to the friends and family of those lost this year bethany nolan the president of texas a&ms collegiate panhellenic council said we can only hope that they can live with the decisions they made i just hate that these girls will have to wait until they are sophomores to go through recruitment again -honey bear cactus jack and bellamy partridge if you or someone you know was a victim of recruitment week know that there are other options out there if chi o did not give you a bid please talk to someone who will: (979) 845-2700 follow @bigoldhoneybear follow @mugdown
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were not late on our comic its definitely sunday sunday may 10th 2014 were totally on time and havent been sitting on our butts watching netflix and not writing articles all summer so put away your calendar and just trust us on this one weve always been a reliable source and now that our intern has finally recovered our password we can post stories again! go team! (dont worry said intern has been flayed and executed for his crimes against the realm rip mark dore) now that were back were sooo excited to end our lovely summer vacation so we can stay up late writing articles drawing comics and researching the delicious drama that is life at texas a&m goodbye late-night alcohol-fueled parties and hello late-night coffee-fueled alcohol-fueled writing sessions youre probably wondering why may 10th of all days to come back from our super short hibernation well theres one man that can perk up even the laziest journalist and for those who didnt hear during their preseason game texas a&ms darling johnny heisman gave the redskins the bird forget the fact that nfl history is overflowing with the obscene gestures of its quarterbacks because this time it was johnny manziel get psyched for a new semester with us #mugdownforwhat -honey bear follow @bigoldhoneybear follow @mugdown
as the school year comes to a close wed like to take time to reflect on the many historic events that occurred this semester 1 the mugdown was born we didnt choose the mug life the mug life chose us like luke skywalker or joseph stalin destiny was flung upon us january 25th 2014 the maroon lampoon was born the comedy gods called and we answered one week later the maroon lampoon died but from the ashes a stronger paper rose and the mugdown was born 2 kyle field began renovations with the conclusion of another football season came the beginning of kyle fields facelift right now it has only had half its botox injections but you can rest assured the kyle-oseum will be a total babe when all is said and done 3 texas a&m announced the transition from pepsi to coca-cola the announcement everyone had been waiting for despite the fact that a&m has half a decade left of its contract with pepsi watching people learn the truth behind this charade was like watching a child learn the truth about santa hilarious 4 koldusgate this year featured some big events if you consider a former student body president rising from the dead and writing letters about the seedy underbelly of tamu politics a big event it also gave us a chance to see that if you put your mind to it you can do whatever you wanteven impeach the student body president house of koldus continued to entertain 5 literal boot chasers terrorized campus as the cold winter weather crept its way out of college station boot chasers crept back in while theres nothing like watching a man in uniform theres also nothing like watching a man in uniform run for his life mrs degrees arent awarded theyre won in battle 6 century treeson spitting in the face of a centurys worth of tradition (a running theme this semester) two students took to showing their love by etching their names into the century tree and onto the hate list of aggies everywhere while it was likely the work of two star-crossed lovers as aggies we can never rule out our good tree-hugging friends in austin 7 a new sbp was elected this was the year of the kkkk in tamu sga kyle kelly and kasey kram ran the student body president elections like the quality of student life may actually depend on it after doing research on presidency and the effects of hair loss another strong candidate richmond howard dropped the race using the hashtag #youcoulddoworse johnny gustafson became the most written-in candidate in texas a&m history while our own endorsed candidate bailey burrus sold students on his vision of dining dollars in the post oak mall #gigthevote 8 maroonbonnets were planted at ut thats crazy like so crazy who did that theyre probably handsome and single id date them you should date them 9 #mugdownegghunt when you think of easter what comes to mind did you say awkwardly sitting on the lap of a man dressed as the easter bunny then your childhood was as scarring as ours we like to think every good season of easter deserves an egg hunt and we gave texas a&m a hunt indeed we hid over 300 easter eggs on campus it was a great day for the site and everyone involved except for that one dude who walked under the century tree for a special egg 10 the ut class ring i think one of our commenters summed things up well: nothing more pathetic than a bunch of 40 somethings with a closet full of maroon orange red and black or whatever who have nothing better to do than to hang onto the glory days of college get a life! its people like you who constantly inspire us to keep writing so thank you comments section 11 the a&m football team kept getting arrested it was a great semester to be a college station police officer there is a rumor that next year at football games they will just show the players mugshots during their introduction since those are their most recent photos heres hoping that kenny hill is able to pull a jff and turn an arrest into a heisman campaign 12 mens basketball did about as well as we expected not well 13 #fuegosecretmenu the cat is out of the bag now all we have to do is put that cat on a taco and put that taco on the actual fuego menu well call it…fuego del gato if you ever order a ron swanson or heck even a mugdown taco think of us when you eat it just dont be weird about it see the post by fuego tortilla grill 14 #mugdowngoesglobal since we started just over three months ago we have been read in over 100 countries we have had stories published from paris london and even college station! it has been a privilege to serve the a&m community and we are only going to get larger and funnier as time goes on i hope that terrifies you as much as it does us we may have created a monster; a hilarious and topical monster who is as we mentioned earlier still single love the mugdown follow @mugdown
of the many dining options on texas a&m universitys campus there is one that stands tasty and strong six days of the week 313 days a year the commons and underground dining areas on campus are both home to beloved mini chick-fil-a express restaurants they serve the basicschicken sandwiches tenders nuggets and those waffle fries that will make you forget that other types of waffles even exist however one freshman resident of the commons dorm krueger hall claims that he is swearing off chicken sandwiches for life because of his frequent consumption of the supposed delicacy all my upperclassman friends told me that i would get tired of those sandwiches and i never believed them business major cole heifer said but it happened now i cant even smell them without wanting to gag with the end of the semester fast approaching it is not surprising that the campus food is getting a bit overdone on the pallets of students ive eaten at the commons chick-fil-a every day over the last semester alexis fredrickson freshman international studies major said im not even sad when its closed on sundays anymore because of the convenience the commons food court is heavily visited by its residents while there are four options chick-fil-a is normally tried and true but the flavor of the chicken is constant and unexciting boring students to chicken sandwich death one ra from aston hall gave some insight on how to keep the chicken fresh and delicious you just gotta get creative with the sauces junior math major jacob arnold said combining the ranch and chick-fil-a sauce gives everything whole new life! he also made the comment that he has been a resident of the commons since his freshman year and has learned the secrets of sauce mixology as the last week of the semester passes many students will fail to cope with their campus food woes before barring the franchise forever when dealing with the commons chick-faux-lame sandwiches remember to not hate the chicken-loving player hate the commons limited food options game -lone star lady
in a bold but expected move the goodbull newspaper filed all the necessary paperwork with the university wednesday to become the official rival of the battalion newspaper editor-in-chief lauren felder told the mugdown that the decision was made after a lot of careful thought and several trips to northgate rivalries are a longstanding part of tradition here at a&m felder said our name basically means tradition what does the battalion mean is that a tradition the documents were filed shortly before the close of business on wednesday april 30 and were processed early this morning student activities director russell thompson approved the request with a rubber thumbs up stamp to endorse the rivalrys inception former goodbull editor-in-chief aaron mitchell shared his thoughts through twitter as the founder of the new newspaper mitchell is the biggest proponent of the new rivalry if tradition was an official seal that grew in the grass of the msc the batt would walk all over it mitchells tweet read the battalion was contacted for a comment but on the grounds of not wanting to dignify the news with a response editor-in-chief jake walker was brief no comment walker said as he published his latest opinion piece from the bully pulpit the rivalry between the 121-year-old battalion and the independent new kid on the block will inevitably shake things up on campus for the estimated five percent of students who read printed newspapers the university has already invested in riot gear if the papers lead to tearable issues -commons lobbyist
early this morning university officials called an emergency meeting following the surprising discovery of an ancient manuscript russell bormann sophomore ocean engineering major and muster model stumbled upon the document late tuesday evening and quickly reported his find to campus authorities i came to cushing in hopes of seeing my favorite author george rr martin who i believed was to be hosting a seminar here bormann said turns out the conference was actually last year and no one bothered to take the banners down cushing memorial library host of deeper than swords (3/22/13); four aggies were sacrificed to the rhllor the lord of light disappointed by his tardiness bormann reportedly wandered around cushing in order to soak in all the blessed aggie spirit and while leafing through the 1894 corp of cadets handbook came across a tattered document bormann immediately solicited the assistance of nicolas garcia the student worker on duty that evening at first i thought it was a hoax garcia said but as i read the page i knew we had come across an authentic piece of texas a&m history as of this morning cushing memorial library and its immediate vicinity have been blocked off by campus authorities in order to conduct a thorough search of the premises additionally the banners advertising george rr martins exhibit have since been removed to avoid further confusion no official statement has been released regarding the manuscript but copies have reportedly been sent to scholars across the country to verify its authenticity and assist in deciphering its contents rumored recipients include nathan godsby (professor of linguistic anthropology cambridge) michael kelly (renowned expert in historical hermeneutics) dan brown (author the da vinci code) nicolas cage (academy award winner expert riddle solver in national treasure 1 and 2) and george rr martin himself the mugdown team has managed to acquire a copy of the manuscript and weve assembled our own panel of experts in an attempt to unlock the hidden mysteries contained therein below you will find both a copy of the document in its entirety as well as a translation of what we have best determined it to say and now we offer you the readers the opportunity to unravel its meaning and significance we are offering a reward to whomever can solve the cryptic message and decode the plethora of riddles it contains godspeed -riffety raff the broken twelve and two instead departed yet by south and east forsaking rosss ashen shed where rebels tide and tigers feast and one will rise upon that day octobers prophet here at last deliver unto us he may the bronzen sacred idol cast and once complete the prophets trial the time to come is near at hand we usher in the age of kyle a golden day in aggieland!
this is what youre supposed to be doing right now but sometimes youd rather just take a nap than study sometimes youd rather just give up all you want to do is go out and play your responsible friends try to motivate you but you cant help but blow them off all those late night netflix binges are catching up to you and you swear the whole world is working against you or maybe you really are a little bit lazy maybe you are a little pathetic maybe you should take a good hard look at yourself sure try to drink the problem away not the first time youve done that but alcohol only makes you realize that youre doomed for failure so go ahead and cry your parents never believed in you anyways
several verbal arguments have broken out over the past week between students in line to pay for food at campus eateries with the semester ending in nine days many students are in a panic to spend the last of their dining dollars on campus students have been seen at sbisa flagging down random bystanders to eat on their dime it is not uncommon to see the same at the commons most recently two freshmen commons residents were seen shouting compliments and niceties back and forth in an effort to pay for the others meal witnesses say the stalemate was reached when the friends both reached for their student id cards at the same time i was in the greater need said shannon calhoun one of the students attempting to pay i had a higher balance than liz so clearly i had the right-of-pay one witness account claimed that calhoun boxed out her friend to keep her from reaching the cash register first elizabeth smith was the other student or victim as she told the mugdown my parents bought me the $1800 meal plan because im their first kid to go to college smith said im 53 and i weigh 106 pounds i cant spend that on food! calhoun eventually prevailed in paying despite the verbal argument which lasted a reported three minutes similar outbreaks have been reported in sbisa panda express and the msc food court campus officials hope that the problem will be solved with the new meal plan options coming in the fall -commons lobbyist
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many students have taken note of the larger-than-life photographs popping up around campus as a part of university centers push to destroy the lives of students the pictures range from students standing on the seal of koldus to relaxing on the grass of the msc but perhaps the most offensive is the picture of several students walking underneath the century tree the photograph depicting head yell leader roy may a squirrel an indian student and two ethnically ambiguous but diverse students shows the group smiling under the branches of the sacred tree it is a well-known fact that anyone who dares walk under the tree alone will be alone forever and alternatively any couples that walk under will suffer a long marriage the photo campaign has been linked to an employee of the university center who reportedly walked under the tree in his teen years by accident it appears the vindictive photo campaign is his attempt to make unaware students join in his suffering by walking on seals and never graduating or entering eternal loneliness at the hands of the century tree the university center released a statement but could not be reached for comment the statement released by director bill bielamowicz stated we are investigating for any link between the pictures and tradition violations but i think the pictures are just great bielamowicz is pictured prominently in the newest poster in rudder forum where he and johnny manziel are wearing flat-billed hats inside of the msc the mugdown reached out to students to see how the campaign was affecting them sixth-year senior and leadership studies major edward collins explained that he was quite unaware of the photos altogether i dont know what pictures youre talking about he explained but i walk on the seals all the time the effects of the propaganda are not clear and likely will not be clear for many years until the tradition voodoo has worked its magic and students realize that they are not graduating and are alone forever -commons lobbyist
the following is an article we received from one of our fans across the pond and yes were being serious this article was actually written by a fan from the uk weve left it unedited so you can read it in its full british goodness didnt even drop those unnecessary us tempting as it was born in a quaint northhumberland town i first got drunk aged fourteen behind a bin with my mates cars couldve run on the stuff we bought of course it was terribly rebellious and id have been sold to the workhouse if the parents knew a few swigs in i got so nervous i gave the bottle to a stranger he seemed happy enough and i stumbled home this if im not mistaken is the basis of greek life drink and with some reluctance charity theres no need to fib youre amongst friends ive seen it on the telly anyway at some point before you arrive the entire frat strips to the waist and covers itself in paint – and theres no shortage of philanthropy half the boys would give themselves to anyone if youre a man you drink an enormous amount of beer whether by bong or by pong if youre a woman you keep a wary eye on johnny football and his million identikit friends i dont know if youre aware of genetics – although youre from texas so probably not – but frat-boys breed asexually all it takes is one and youve got yourself a litter not that were blameless in britain in my university oxford we have the same thing – only we call them ‘drinking societies for honestys sake our prime minister david ‘sharpie cameron used to be in one; trashing restaurants sniffing coke with mayor boris and wearing a daffodil waistcoat in my particular college the initiation (post-paddling) is to stand in the centre of the school watch the courtyard clock and wait until the brothers come back it can last for days and applying to a frat becomes – ahem – a waste of time then there are others where you have to drink a goldfish or vomit or something im still working on the irony of them but then thats frats i dont know how to abbreviate ‘sororities – i want to say ‘sores but that sounds medical in a nastier article youd have an aside about stds but as a serious point id like to congratulate the greek community on their sexual wellbeing the way theyve eradicated disease not to mention harassment is nothing but commendable i want you to think of your last frat party and the respect afforded to women give yourselves a round of applause – but not the clap! – my friends lets not forget the rituals i dont mean to say frat/sores are cults but theyre cults really arent they there are leaders and mud-wrestling and dodgy deeds its like that bit in indiana jones where they take the heart and eat it a friend of mine had to strip her hair-dye out to join a sore which is the white-trash equivalent of heart-eating and while its nice that frats are charitable itd be nicer if that was you know all they did if only there were people who raised money for the poor without spending it on coors light i wouldnt be impressed if unicef was holding boozy fêtes at headquarters – doing tequila off of orphans ribs like a shot-rack – and its basically the same that said i wouldnt be nasty if you didnt go on about it you never invite me to your parties the atlantics no excuse maybe soon ill come along to dallas [college station] and join in until that day you can ship me the beer-bong bud – muddy trousers
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steve jobs george washington martin luther king what do they all have in common they all hail from the greatest planet in the universe america earth day has been celebrated for 464 billion years making it the oldest holiday in the history of the universe we only started recognizing it in 1970 can you guess where the idea came from just like air conditioning the escalator and potato chips it was made in america there are many traditions surrounding earth day were not sure what they are but theyre out there we do know that people plant trees on earth day and who plants trees johnny freaking appleseed some people say only liberals celebrate earth day but there is no one more american than johnny appleseed look at that picture and tell me it doesnt make you love earth just a tiny bit more heres another question have you ever seen a bald eagle on another planet what about a waffle taco nope i didnt think so we hope you are starting to realize the gravity of the situation sometimes earth acts like we are the only planet in the universe but thats to be expected think about it! combined we have won every super bowl olympics and world series in history weve even had every miss universe thats saying a lot just throwing it out there but jesus was sent to earth john 3:16 – for god so loved the world… not the universe earth may be third from the sun but it is first in our hearts there are more confirmed ufo sightings on earth than any other planet we are like the bahamas of the universe – a destination locale dont believe me ask literally any alien and speaking of aliens notice how they always come to earth and not any other planet they migrate here because they know we are the best remind you of anyone else we even decide who gets to be a planet (suck it pluto) if we dont discover you you dont even exist and we wont even apollogize for it jupiter has sixty three moons and we only have one no big deal we dont have rings whatever do you know what earth has more of than any other planet freedom so heres to you earth crack open a beer play catch with your kid and celebrate the most american holiday in the world: earth day
a false emergency nearly prompted a 9-911 call wednesday afternoon as a student faked a seizure to play off the incessant vibration of a group message the groupme assault came during a chemistry 101 final exam things began to go south according to witnesses when professor simon north heard the phone vibration and told the class ive got my eye on you jack endon a freshman general studies major spoke to the mugdown in hopes that he could raise awareness of the growing problem of groupme on college campuses i thought silencing my phone would be enough endon said i wasnt sure if it was my fish camp dg my impact bg my flo my male-specific flo group my hometown-specific fish camp group or my suitemate group almost as soon as the test began the texts started to come in endon reportedly drew attention from the instructor who had a ‘no phone policy not wanting to fail the test endon began to shake his leg in an effort to mimic the frequency of the vibration when the texts didnt stop he had no choice but to fake a full-on seizure it was the only solution said darren hawkins a classmate who supported endons course of action dr north would definitely have failed him if he knew his phone was on panic set in the moment endons pulsating body hit the floor but the texts stopped coming in after only a few seconds dr north rushed over to see that endon was alright and the class collectively gasped for breath endon was excused from the test with dr north never realizing that there was no medical emergency endon left the class with a pass for a make-up exam and checked his phone the group message was from endons flo which contained over 50 members the conversation that made endons phone blow up however was between two members making lunch plans with each other -commons lobbyist
where one gets plugged-in on campus can determine their social standing similar to high school except that most high schools do not let students bring their laptops to class so there are no experts here in the age of e-campus web portals and cloud storage one would be completely hampered without fully juiced modern technology the modern student has one important charge during their time in college and that is to find their outlet there are three rules to outlet real estate and they are as follows: location location and location if one wants to be seen on campus there is no doubt that the msc flag room is their best option sitting on a throne of plush couches charging their laptop and listening to a personal pianist it may be easy for the average student to imagine themselves as a king or queen of the campus the experience is only enhanced by their endless stream of friends walking by making them look increasingly cooler with each greeting the trendiest students go off-campus to sit in suave coffee shops near their favorite outlet there they sip their organic coffee and not really study but instead just feel intelligent as they discuss philosophy or theology (depending on if they are sitting in sweet eugenes or mugwalls) after a brief interview with the mugdown staff sophomore drew allen chief executive officer of build said his favorite outlets on campus were the plugs behind the couches near the fish aides desk in the student activities wing of koldus i admit that i ‘graduatedand make sure to note that i am using air quotes here from fish aides over a year ago but i love using those outlets said allen the couches are not crowded at all and the fish aides are so respectful of the surrounding organizations who are doing real work to serve the students of texas a&m not only do i still get to be a part of an elaborate cult wait i mean enthusiastic freshman leadership organization that has defined my involvement on campus since i joined the group but i also get to sit right outside of reid josephs door and catch up on all the juicy sga gossip said allen being a petroleum engineering major this outlet has really been the only thing that has allowed me to stay in touch with the real world however allens experience is a starkly different one from those students who have not been fortunate enough to get plugged in the powerless on this campus are those who do not have any outlet at all the most important thing a student looking for their outlet can remember is not to get too involved in the power struggle finding an outlet may be difficult but it is the only way eager students will have the energy to survive these next four years -lonely lighter
the largest campus police action on record was carried out early friday morning in a joint effort of college station police department and tamu campus police outside of schumacher hall fergus jane a freshman horticulture major from boulder colorado is being held on various drug charges the call to authorities was made by jason goodwin when he returned to his dorm early that morning after a long night of dancing at hurricane harrys lighting up the town as many students do on thursday nights goodwin returned to his dorm to find smoke billowing out from under his door i tried to open it to see if my roommate was still in there but the door was either locked or blocked or something said goodwin i banged on the door to see if he was in there but heard nothing i dont really know the guy that well but i still didnt want him to fry in there goodwin called the fire department at 4:07 and college station fire department rolled up at 4:20 am to put out the blaze firemen found jane laying on his bed who greeted the responders with a faint and drawn out dude we were really confused at first a representative from college station fire department bluntly said but it didnt take long before we grazed the room and weeded out the possibilities there was something dubious going on police were called and after they finished casing the joint they found several duffel bags packed with drug paraphernalia and plastic bags filled with cannabis though the details are hazy it is apparent that a faulty appliance baked one of the bags in question which set the whole stash ablaze its a miracle that he didnt die frankly cspd officer marley said and its a good thing his roommate came back when he did its high time that somebody caught the kid before he caused any real damage to himself janes parents have been alerted to their sons legal trouble and are set to fly down to college station the mugdown attempted to contact them for details but mary his mother refused to comment on their behalf -beutel call
riots broke out early wednesday morning april 16 on the eastern side of campus where engineering students primarily have class these riots were the explosive result of a recent strain of vehement arguments the students have had over whose course load is the most stressful engineering students from all different branches had taken part in the vicious bickering for over a week but wednesday morning the vocal vituperations turned violent i remember talking with chris about how one of our professors looked a lot like khan from the original star trek: ii said peter stapner junior nuclear engineering major stapner witnessed an attack on his friend chris demare a fellow neunaggie (as they now call themselves) it just came out of nowhere and hit him stapner said as he sharpened makeshift arrows many students who were going about their business that morning recall seeing a metal spear sail through the air and impale demare the aeros are responsible said jamie baker a bemennenite (biomedical engineer) [the spear] practically flew! i think it was even guided like a missile the aerodites (aerospace engineers) refuse to give a statement or even speak english anymore they have already adopted their own language based on aerospace specific terms and they now wear little to no clothing theyre obsessed about shedding weight baker said as she skinned a bat to later cook and eat anything to make themselves lighter and sleeker the students involved have marked off territories crafted weapons and applied war paint with expo markers a few more skirmishes have occurred since then but it is difficult to differentiate between a battle and a hostile close encounter sometimes we dont intend to fight said tsu-min hsueh a petogunkä (petroleum engineer) like when two hunting parties get a little too close; wed rather just part ways without getting into anything but sometimes somebody gets antsy things can turn ugly pretty quickly if somebody makes a sudden move or casts the wrong glance or mentions anything about their average starting salary right out of college for now there are no signs of the fighting subsiding and students are unsure of where it all will lead students are also worrying about how this will affect their academic performance i just want it to be done with stapner said ive got three exams next week and a ton of homework to do before then more exciting developments are sure to develop until then stay clear from east campus or as the engineering students have started calling it the techniklands – samurai sully
fish camp every aggies first tradition whether its the luxurious dining of lakeview methodist conference center hours of bellowing both real and imaginary yells or awkwardly grinding with your dg leader and future classmates to ke$has die young – every aggie holds fond memories of their first adventure into collegiate life pulling into reed arena the timid incoming freshmen cant help but gaze in awe and wonder of what the next four (or possibly seven) years hold in store for them and fish camp has long served as a gateway into this world of excitement and adventure this years campers however might be undergoing a slightly different experience as a change in fish camp policy has recently been announced in a surprising move the fish camp director staff has unanimously decided to increase the number of facial piercings required by fish camp counselors the previous requirement established in 2010 set a condition of one facial piercing per counselor an act that was highly regarded as successfully promoting a&ms diversity and welcoming atmosphere our goal is to introduce the incoming fish to what campus life is actually like head director alex kalin said we want every camper to immediately recognize that a&m is a family of all shapes and sizes and that we embrace the spirit of free choice and nonconformity fish camp was established in 1954 with the purpose of indoctrinating educating incoming aggies about various traditions and organizations that they can be a part of moreover it provides a secure network of friends and mentors for those freshmen without a support system already in place fish camp has always been student led ensuring that the experience can be specifically tailored to the ever changing culture and life of texas a&m piercings along with bleached hair cross-dressing and latent homoerotic behavior is one such way that fish camp has evolved over the years in order to better align with a&ms shifting norms i started with just my ears senior seth frank told the mugdown but this year im getting my eyebrows lip and nose done as well funlola fagbohhun director of staff development first proposed the facial piercing amendment fagbohhun said i think this is the perfect way to show the freshmen along with the entire world that a&m isnt the conservative intolerant university that it used to be many see the move as a direct front against texas university who has largely dominated the more unconventional demographic due to its location in the heavily liberal city of austin you dont have to be a t-sip to have bleached hair and a nose ring said christian tulio a third year fish camp counselor i feel like this will really ramp up the competition and many who are turned off by the aggies supposed conservative spirit will have to think twice before deciding in a related note fish camp has recently added a new sponsor to their ranks which includes jasons deli blue baker and the late sullys bar and grill to the point a local tattoo parlor and piercing center has hardily agreed to fill the spot left by the unfortunate sports bar and has even committed to set up an operations center at the lakeview methodist conference center this summer there fish camp attendees will be given the opportunity to follow in the footsteps of their fish camp counselors and receive a complimentary piercing at camp we are humbled by the opportunity to shape a&ms future kalin said and we hope to leave a lasting mark on the face of this campus that will guide our university for years to come -riffety raff
citing student setbacks caused by overcrowding at entrances to the memorial student center and commons buildings lt gen joe weber vice president for student affairs and his staff have been reviewing various solutions to mitigate delays student organizations play a very important role in student life and campus identity but oftentimes students are short on time and need to get in buildings such as the msc and commons in a timely manner weber told the mugdown we are drafting plans to allow students to bypass the crowds without denying the rights of fraternities sororities flos and worthy organizations such as opas and wiley lecture series the proposed plan by chancellor john sharp is based off of disneys renowned fast pass program for expedited entry to rides with long queuing times the tentative name for the program is express entry and will be rolled out to select students with a classification of u2 on august 3rd jacob harrison a junior industrial distribution major told the mugdown im excited for express entry come august and september i wont be joining a flo or frat so being able to bypass the maze of signs and overeager freshmen will cut 30 minutes out of my trip to the msc not everyone is supportive of the divisions plan dr anne reber dean of student life says she has received numerous complaints by several organizations most notably the texas aggie conservatives one email sent to reber expressed concern that efforts to divert students from the promotion of our group is actively furthering the liberal agenda by preventing students from seeing the light of our true conservative ideology reber assures organizations that effects on promotional activities will be negligible due to the low amount of passes issued each month the preemptive separation of students will reduce crowds and assure that your signs and fliers will only be seen by students looking to become involved express entry is scheduled to be operational by the start of the fall 2014 semester to meet the demand caused by flo and rush recruiting
todays a unique day for those who dont know ive spent the last seven weeks doing weekly comics every sunday with cuppy cup from good bull hunting in addition to the sunday comics we do here on our site this weeks comic represents two months of hard work on what really doesnt even qualify as a web comic i would really define it as a creepily huge album of johnny manziel fan-art to get to the point i spent so much time on this weeks good bull hunting comic that i didnt have time to do a mugdown comic today the good bull hunting comics named off the wood are fantastic and honestly better than a lot of the ideas i come up with on my own if you dont regularly check them out heres the link to all of our previous off the wood comics off the wood comics #7: 12 labours of johnny football off the wood comics #6: hidden pictures off the wood comics #5: a quiet place off the wood comics #4: reveille to the rescue off the wood comics #3: backyard football off the wood comics #2: 12 empties off the wood comics #1: you ready to be a stronghorn so check it out and tell me your favorite of this weeks labors! follow @bigoldhoneybear
with the texas a&m spring parents weekend coming this weekend the university wishes to give aggie parents the best experience possible a trademark tradition in aggieland is the beloved midnight yell practice a surprisingly popular event amongst older generations who have not seen midnight in decades traditionally yell leaders spur the 12th man into the btho spirit at kyle field however unfortunately for tradition kyle field is currently out of play texas a&ms football stadium has been deep into a multi-year construction project since november of 2013 the field itself is currently a large patch of dirt and the stands on the east side the student side used for yell are in a state of ruin practice would be impossible without a spot for two percenters to sit however one old army ag is convinced that no tradition shall be broken due to something as silly as a minor construction project kyle field has not always been a place known for football prowess but it has always been known as the place for yell! lt col eugene rivers said why are they moving it to the liberal arts complex what do they take us for a bunch of hippies eugene rivers is a member of the fightin texas aggie class of 1960 and has come in town early his granddaughter claire rivers is a member of the class of 2014 and allegedly invited him down to join in the festivities he came a few days early to beat the traffic claire rivers declined to comment on her redass grandfather eugene rivers attempted to sneak into kyle field by sporting a hard hat and neon vest on wednesday night at around 11 and was quickly caught by authorities the perpetrator clearly had no idea what was going on when he entered the work site campus officer charles masters said but he put up quite a fight when approached eugene rivers a hardened military man gave two workers black eyes and another a broken nose before masters was called over to remove reaves from the scene yeah man marcus frey told the mugdown he just started swinging at us when we told him to leave then when the cop pulled him away he started singing that fight song sawin varsitys horns off and stuff eugene rivers however does not regret his actions i was just trying to see if everyone was going to fit for yell eugene rivers said it was just a recon mission but all you new army people want us to change everything i will not have it! he added that his favorite yell was farmers fight -lone star lady
so its ring day tomorrow and odds are your facebook event invitations list is filled to the brim with pun-filled ring dunk invites from all your buds we found the best 15 ring dunks going down this weekend and you better make all of them – or at yeast try hoppy dunking! 1 house of dunk – everything is about power – including dunking your aggie ring freddys better be catering 2 dunk in love – make sure to bring a surfboard 3 turn dunk for what –get crunk yall 4 dunkaritaville – name ring a belle 5 dunkn donuts – beer and donuts what could be better 6 dunk it ags – are you even trying 7 white men cant dunk – participating in this dunk is our favorite president-elect johnny gus – wait he didnt win even while jay arnold rubs him down with cool refreshing water 8 dunksters inc – sully!!!!! i get it 9 americas best dunk crew – the official fade 2 black ring dunk feel free to attend – but dont dance please 10 dunk of the rings– you now have your precious congrats now drop it in a pitcher of beer and chug like the future of the shire depends on it 11 we dunk maroon– soooooo puuit a penny onn sulllyyy asnd wisjh me somer drunkkkkkkk 12 dunking night live – if this dunk isnt on saturday so help me 13 dunkledores army – you better solemnly swear youre up to no good 14 ring dunk (insert pun here) – wow way to be non-conformist you guys are like soooo meta 15 the dunk event– one big day one big pitcher one big dunk –sbisa cookie
so long as there is a head a student organization is free to structure itself however it sees fit few realize just how much freedom texas a&ms department of student activities actually allows better than his grace jeffrey of the house bartison king of the pledges and the frat stars lord of the seven paddles and protector of the bids inspired by the premiere of the fourth season of game of thrones bartison has modeled a new fraternity with an internal structure based off that of a monarchy in a move that is shockingly completely within the guidelines laid out by the department of student activities bartison has officially declared himself king of the frat not only can anybody start their own fraternity but they dont even have to follow a presidential system said bartison bro democracy is so overrated when asked what his rule may look like bartison said i take inspiration from a lot of characters khal brogo and jon bro are true frat daddys but in the end i love stannis the mannis the stags got swag the largest hurdle bartison is facing is the issue of succession he must either provide an heir or risk being overthrown by a directionless kingdom current candidates for usurpation are the stannimal a local frat star and kelly c an exchange student from the east despite these challenges bartison has already begun creating a whole new westerosi brocabulary that only brothers will be privy to leaked words currently include the renaming of hart hall to harrenhal bolton hall to the dreadfort and hodart hall to of course hodor hall ser jamie lancaster a member of the beersguard explained that part of initiation into the fraternity will include taking pledges on their first excursion to northgate or north of the wall to throw some wildling parties not many venture far enough north to get past the wall on a normal day but even these days the nights watch manages to keep three castles manned: the hullaballoo tower castle block-er and zachry-by-the-sea when asked what he meant by the nights watch lancaster merely chuckled and said crows before hoes -honey bear follow @bigoldhoneybear
after the recent arrest of ricky seals-jones for what the cspd are calling disorderly conduct (language) it seemed only appropriate that sumlins message to the team be short sweet and lacking expletives he simply lowered his sunglasses and told the players in a steady voice that when they are around the police they need to shut the hell up seals-jones intends to fight the charges according to his lawyer but that would be just another item in the long list of things he has tried to fight according to recent reports seals-jones was bumped by another individual on northgate early sunday morning the arresting officer said [seals-jones] broke away from his friends [and] yelled ‘f*** you! you want some then threw his hands downward to his sides with his palms facing the other person in a common gesture when one is trying to initiate a fight we believe its a territorial display to make oneself look bigger a technique commonly used when the males are trying to pick a fight its rather unfortunate that the one player who most needed to hear the message from sumlin was notably absent seals-jones was not the first to be arrested for being too loud sophomore darian claiborne was arrested in late february for a noise violation texas a&m is trying to build their brand in the sec said jason cook senior associate athletics director for external affairs we are in a division with lsu and bama i havent checked the baton rouge police blotter this morning but last i checked we are still holding our own in this power conference it is clear that sumlin does not intend to stop his players from being arrested the seals-jones arrest is the fourth of an offseason filled with legal issues at this rate if you put all our arrested players in jail you could film a longest yard sequel sumlin stressed that what matters to him is the reason why one is arrested johnny punched a homeless man and kenny hill got plastered and fell asleep in a planter on northgate said sumlin for our players to be arrested for using inappropriate language is fing ridiculous -cactus jack
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every so often someone besides jeff pickering sends us mail most of it is coupons and various other kinds of junk mail but sometimes we find a pearl hidden in the warzone that is hqs mailbox mugdown reads fan mail is a new segment where we post some of our favorite letters and emails we receive some are kind others not as much but they all have one thing in common these people practically worship us opinion: home schooled students unite against mugdown it has come to my attention that the mugdown has created what they are calling harry potter week on their site as one of the many students who were homeschooled their entire life we refuse to participate in such debauchery it is clear that the mugdown has no respect for jesus nor any appreciation of good books like the bible for instance for that newspaper to actively promote witchcraft and the occult while spitting in the face of the scriptures is unwise let them enjoy their little blog but i hope they know the wrath of god is coming to them unless they repent i refuse to read the articles of such an immoral website and i urge any fundamentalist home-schooled christians to do the same in short read the mugdown go to hell -carter c cook
late one night we snuck into the forbidden section of the cushing memorial library in there we found a staggering amount of scandalous items preserved neatly were about 30 kkk robes the constitution of the true texans/ the stikas and the recipe to sbisas cookies but there was one thing we saw that we could not leave behind buried beneath a dusty pile of counterfeit aggie rings was an ancient looking piece of parchment paper it read mssrs sully pinky rudder & crow are proud to present the marooners map intrigued we held it up to the light only for it to reveal the lines: mr sully presents his compliments to the mugdown and begs them to keep their abnormally dull humor out of other aggies business mr crow agrees with mr sully and would like to add that the mugdown is a bunch of ugly two-percenters mr rudder would like to register his astonishment that a group of idiots like that ever became journalists mr pinky bids the mugdown good day and advises them to wash their hair the t-sips after a full 23 pages worth of similar insults one author spoke up: i solemnly swear that i am up to no good bull and with that the page wrote out all its secrets of the texas a&m campus click to view full image zoom to reveal secrets -honey bear follow @bigoldhoneybear this post is the fifth in a series this week the mugdown is celebrating harry potter week in support of the undefeated texas a&m quidditch team as they prepare for the quidditch world cup this upcoming weekend
everyone can remember spending full days of childhood dreaming about what life would be like as their favorite celebrity we have all imagined life as brittney michael jordan or some other moderately successful and probably physically attractive human being but what would you give up for this chance for stephan goldingbloom the answer is mostly measured in time goldingbloom freshman biochemical engineering major has logged thousands of hours of his free time working on a project he says is life changing goldingbloom has spent much of his year working on perfecting a polyjuice potion which he plans to use to experience a day in the life of johnny football i know we are all johnny football fans here but i think i win do you know anyone else who has spent full nights picking fluxweed under a full moon what about catching lacewings and grinding them into powder thats what i thought goldingbloom said goldingbloom who says he has always considered himself slightly above sports because he had such a strong brain began work on his project shortly after the infamous game in tuscaloosa i just loved watching johnny play and decided to use my more than capable mind to figure out what his life is like goldingbloom said when asked how he retrieved the hair necessary to complete the manziel polyjuice potion goldingbloom looked up and gave a smile youd be surprised what a fish will do for $5 at this time goldingbloom was not yet a student but he was not at all worried about getting into his university of choice id been raised to believe that texas a&m is the best school in the country and i refuse to question that statement this university combines intelligence friendliness and pure attractiveness in the same way i will once i become johnny football i mean just for the one day thats all i would definitely never even think to take this too far like i really do like living as me too i promise i would never want a permanent change or anything goldingbloom said goldingbloom says he is most looking forward to the attention he will get from girls around campus voluntarily adding that he does not think that he has spoken to a female human being since he began his quest to be like johnny no wait! the person who checks my student id at school! shes a woman! goldingbloom said -revelicious this article is the fourth in a series this week the mugdown is celebrating harry potter week in support of the undefeated texas a&m quidditch team as they prepare for the quidditch world cup this upcoming weekend other harry potter week posts: the marooners map student wildly misunderstood about owls on-campus dorms to be sorted into houses the sorting of johnny manziel
professor dolores umbridge once said about owls study hard and you will be rewarded fail to do so and the consequences may be severe dismayed to find out she had failed another owl assignment freshman biology major paige mosley has decided she needs to find a new way to study more specifically she needs to find the right subject matter to study as her most recent assignment contained no questions about potions nor anything else from the wizarding world of harry potter i had memorized the entire polyjuice potion recipe word for word and the only thing even remotely related was a question about polypeptides said mosley with a clearly contrived british accent we dont even cover polypeptides until we are second years owls at texas a&m are online web learning assignments for chemistry that engage students assess performance and improve learning outcomes these are easily confused by naïve (and nerdy) freshmen with the owls of the harry potter world according to the harry potter wiki an ordinary wizarding level (often abbreviated owl) is a subject-specific test taken during hogwarts school of witchcraft and wizardry students fifth year… [to determine] whether or not he or she will be allowed to continue taking that subject in subsequent school years mosley explained her confusion to her instructor after class was over the following day she was comforted to know that she was not the only one confused by what her professor dr williamson called a recent trend every year wide eyed kids come into my class fresh outta high school and bomb that first owl assignment said williamson ive seen them interpret questions to be about charms herbology and of course potions one student kept trying to tie questions back to care of magical creatures that was a hard conversation said student has since transferred to the liberal arts department and joined the creative writing program i think ill be more prepared for the next owl assignment said mosley if i get in a bind im pretty sure my friend has a time turner so im not super worried -cactus jack editors note: dont ask mosley about the aggie quidditch team shes having a hard time coming to grips with that as well this article is the third in a series this week the mugdown is celebrating harry potter week in support of the undefeated texas a&m quidditch team as they prepare for the quidditch world cup this upcoming weekend other harry potter week posts: the marooners map student fulfills quest to become johnny football for a day on-campus dorms to be sorted into houses the sorting of johnny manziel
in an attempt to solve the growing issue of on-campus student housing texas a&m interim president mark hussey has decided to take a page out of a long-beloved book upon a students acceptance into the university they will no longer be asked in which dorm they prefer to live instead the student will be assigned a dorm in the summer during their new student conference dorms will be assigned during a special ceremony on the first night of each new student conference all the future aggies will be placed in rudder auditorium and called up one by one to be sorted this will hopefully alleviate the chaotic scrambles students encounter when trying to find a place to live hussey said it worked out well for harry potter why could it not work for us hussey has even gone so far as to say that the different regions of campus will be named after the four houses of hogwarts the dorms on the southside of campus will be known as gryffindor the honors dorms will be dubbed ravenclaw northside dorms that are not honors are slytherin and the dorms on the quad are hufflepuff the board of regents has affirmed these new names and is working with scholastic publishing to figure out copyright laws student opinions are mixed on the new changes however what if i get sorted into hufflepuff but dont want to be in the corps arent all of those dorms like for the cadets and stuff im not a boot chaser! maddie limes class of 2018 tweeted general joe ramirez commandant for the corps of cadets had an answer the quad is the safest place on campus and the corps is always looking for new members he said we welcome the change if it means we get to bring more yellow-emblazoned khaki to campus not all students are upset by the changes fhk has already begun to change their dorm color schemes to incorporate more green and the commons has brought some gold to those maroon-ish sofas in the lobby this is great! clark williamson said donning a royal blue hat i live in mcfadden and have always claimed that we were the ravenclaws of campus now everyone has to acknowledge that as truth! -lone star lady this article is the second in a series this week the mugdown is celebrating harry potter week in support of the undefeated texas a&m quidditch team as they prepare for the quidditch world cup this upcoming weekend other harry potter week posts: the marooners map student fulfills quest to become johnny football for a day student wildly misunderstood about owls the sorting of johnny manziel
follow @bigoldhoneybear this post is the first in a series this week the mugdown is celebrating harry potter week in support of the undefeated texas a&m quidditch team as they prepare for the quidditch world cup this upcoming weekend other harry potter week articles: the marooners map student fulfills quest to become johnny football for a day student wildly misunderstood about owls on-campus dorms to be sorted into houses
bottles may be up but drinking and driving is down carpool a student organization of designated drivers has found a successful new way to convince weekend drinkers to hand over the keys: a freaking cash cab cash cab is a game show held within a taxi where passengers are asked trivia questions in exchange for prizes and a free ride however after three wrong answers the contestants are kicked out this monumental change has been swept in with carpools newly appointed staff for the upcoming year the game show ended a few years ago so we were able to purchase one of their old cabs for cheap said grace cuda carpools director of finance the show may have fizzled out but its popularity sure hasnt while carpools patrons rarely were willing to wait more than an hour (which has been a problem because the average wait time to be picked up is typically low-balled at 5 hours) many late night drinkers have claimed in their inebriated states that they would be willing to wait until the sun comes up if it meant i have a chance to ride the cash cab the director of public relations mary monday said really the best part of the whole thing is that we get to ask a bunch of drunk people trivia questions you havent laughed until youve seen a drunk man try to name as many three letter body parts as he can before the red light turns green this last statement has since been corrected by carpool chair jake ingle to say the best part is peoples faces when you kick them out for getting three questions wrong seeing as all our contestants our drunk we rarely make it far enough to turn off university drive -honey bear follow @bigoldhoneybear follow @mugdown
some maebuggh da bah da baaa ba da school they think so grand! said jeffrey phillips senior class of 2014 as he uncomfortably tugged at his ear and stared at the floor while every aggie who has been to a football game can recite the upbeat aggie war hymn phillips still struggles after four years to remember all the words to the almost as frequently sung but much less popular alma mater of texas a&m university the spirit of aggieland i mean its a nice song but its hard to make out what exactly each word is when tens of thousands of people are shouting it out at the same time said phillips and instead of spending effort on looking it up online id rather just take four years of mumbling a couple of the lines while awkwardly glancing at the people standing next to me to see if they can tell i dont know the words phillips friends were not aware of the fact that he did not know the words to the song while they were quick to judge they were also the first to admit that they were not entirely sure what it means to boost all the rest and if the yells afterwards are actually considered part of the song or if the yell leaders are just uncreative with what yells to use to follow up the alma mater phillips questioned why we even refer to ourselves as farmers in the yell he said that a farmer is one of the worlds lamest mascots and isnt that the whole reason we made up the word aggie so no one would realize our mascot is just a man with a penchant for carrots however if theres one thing that phillips is certain of its that weve got to fight even if he may not know why the hell we say texas amc -honey bear follow @bigoldhoneybear follow @mugdown
last week sarah walker sophomore communications major shocked the world when it was discovered that her profile picture on facebook had reached 13 459 likes with the number still rising walker would like to thank her family sorority flo student council committee dance arts society century singers the big event the womens club water polo team all 12 high school ex-boyfriends and the children she teaches at creekview elementary school i mean i think it was my smile that attracted so much attention even though you cant see my teeth also the way one of the trees in the background had fallen over definitely added to it walker said she credits the monumental achievement to her best friend who took the picture amanda parke instagram trees in general and her dentist parke admitted that she has never taken a photography class in her life but does not think that luck was heavily involved in the capture ive been taking pictures half of friends and half of myself for like 3 years now so i think ive gotten to be pretty good parke said i use my iphone so im like always ready yesterday walker announced intentions of sharing her likes through a new philanthropy she had started walker realized she was hoarding these likes and says she felt bad about her selfishness i mean dont get me wrong i really appreciated the way everyone cared but i felt like i should share some of that affirmation with people who are less fortunate than me walker said she says she will be utilizing the influence gained from her newfound popularity to sell groups of 100 likes for $10 and that the money will go to raising awareness for a yet undecided cause this way people feel good about themselves and are able to give to charity! walker said possible recipients of the charity include orphaned dogs and stray children she hopes to raise awareness that these creatures exist there are kids in africa who dont even know about instagram yet i think i can change that walker said none of the money raised will actually go to feeding anyone as walker said she does not know how to make that happen but she is sure that raising awareness by sharing photos on facebook will help -revelicious follow @mugdown
howdy ags we have grown a lot over the last two months we are very proud of how far we have come and now it is time for the next big step we are looking to expand our team we have had a ton of interest since we have started if you are one of those wondering how you can be a part of this now is your chance we are looking for new writers and graphic designers if you have experience with photoshop are handy with a pen or feel that you have something to contribute to the mugdown we would like to invite you to fill out this application and e-mail it to [email protected] we will be accepting applications for an entire week starting today 3/24/2014 at 8:00 am until 3/31/2014 at 11:59 pm if you have any questions dont hesitate to reach out to us by e-mail mugdown application ps remember our members are anonymous so it is a requirement that you dont let others know you are applying update: applications are currently closed for the mugdown we appreciate the many fantastic applications we received if youre still looking to join the mugdown we will be expanding again at the beginning of the fall semester for updates on what were up to and to see when we begin accepting applications again follow us on twitter and like us on facebook! also check out our new writers from the last round of applications: riffety raff beutel call samurai sully commons lobbyist lonely lighter follow @mugdown
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college station tx during the farewell ceremony for johnny manziel shultz staffel 39 expressed to the audience his joy over how far texas a&m university has come over the decades amid the merriment and autograph signing those in attendance also caught parts of staffels impassioned speech it brings tears to my eyes and warmth to my heart to say before you today that though this young man is departing he has left us a legacy that legacy my comrades starts with a&m being home to two white heisman winners staffel was referring respectively to the 1957 and 2012 heisman trophy winners john david crowe and johnny manziel he continued his speech with a jab at a&ms former rival two white heisman winners! that is more than tu [ut] can claim! said staffel no one in the audience had the heart to tell him about the ending of the historic rivalry two years ago im proud to see that over the years a&m hasnt lost sight of its proud origin many of us ol ags remember our glory days when texas amc upheld the tradition of white males only said staffel back when the corps had real rifles and the only girls on campus were shipped in from baylor on gameday staffel closed his speech saying we have kept our [tradition pure and undefiled from outside forces] our values of honor excellence and selfless service have been upheld by having two white heisman winners he continued the odds may be stacked against us but we here at a&m can maintain purity! the blitzkrieg is now! a&m has started its third rise into a dynasty that will last 1000 years! staffels speech drowned out in a chorus of whoops and chants of s-e-c! as uniformed members of the corps marched waving torches at press time herr staffel could be heard yelling vee are ze aggies ze aggies are vee![sic] -bellamy partridge follow @mugdown
there is a college stigma that can neer be told and it is the stigma of the infamous and elusive mrs degree many young women invade aggieland every year in search of the perfect man and most agree that a uniform is one of the most attractive qualities a man can possess the phrase boot chaser is tossed around in college station and it is often applied to any girl who finds any member of the corps attractive and worthy of her attention but as the years go by the senior scramble hits and with senior year comes the all too identifiable senior boots sported by the members of the corps some of these ladies have taken this need to get their ring by spring from a member of the corps of cadets and are now chasing senior boys around campus in an attempt to woo them its terrifying joshua redman senior architecture major and corps member admitted i never know when one [crazed young woman] is going to start running after me adopting the flock method that women have mastered for centuries senior corps members have taken to traveling in packs so as to better protect each other we have a few code words if we spot a girl running at us greyson barter said a mechanical engineering major and senior cadet one word directs us to split up into more of a guerrilla style to hopefully confuse her another signals us to link up and move out all of us are stronger than one of us barter declined to share what those words were one other cadet shared his traumatic story but wished to remain nameless he said that he was walking from his math class in blocker when a woman chased him all the way to evans library before tackling him she kept holding out her left hand wiggling her ring finger and pleading with me to take her to yell he said but i couldnt do that first because its spring semester so we dont have yell practice and second because she just assaulted me campus police are on watch for any senior corps cadet sprinting across campus in his boots any alleged boot chasers are asked to cease and desist or face consequences of public assault charges -lone star lady follow @mugdown
with the sec tournament under wraps the texas a&m mens basketball team has to be feeling pretty good about their season the aggies finished the year with a four game moral victory streak despite only winning one of those games critics may point out the fact that a moral victory does not actually count as a win in the record book however for an aggie team rocked by player dismissals and general mediocrity even the moral victories count when the most exciting thing that has happened this season is an awkward looking white guy dunking and making it on sportscenter these little wins make a difference the aggies beat the ole miss rebels 71-60 to start their streak their following two games were equally as impressive losing by only a combined six points say what you will about the games but dont call them losses when asked about the games against missouri and auburn coach billy kennedy said six points really it honestly felt like we were losing by way more than that there at the end of those games man … six points those boys should be proud a&m played missouri again in the second round of the sec tournament on thursday march 13th the aggies gave it their best shot but came up short in double overtime 91-83 however as any college basketball fan can tell you: losing in overtime is basically the same thing as tying during regulation its basically a win if you think about it right the awkward looking white guy alex caruso was shocked when kennedy told the team about their end of season accomplishment i was honestly a little disappointed with the way the season ended but when coach told me about our moral victory streak i realized we actually had a ton of momentum going into our cbi game caruso said it was announced this week that indiana university turned down a chance to play in the cbi tournament however the aggies are not above that just think about it winning the cbi means we can add another championship to reed arena once we renovate it kennedy said we did the same thing for kyle field all that counts is that we are the champions of something win or lose the aggies are bound to have fun and put on quite the show for their fan -cactus jack
to read part 1 of this article click here
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there has been more than a little controversy surrounding the renovation of texas a&m universitys kyle fieldtm perhaps chief among these is the announcement that 12 seats would be left empty to honor fallen aggiestm and the twelfth mantm the scandal stems from public backlash in the belief that the 12 empty seats are a publicity stunt or a shallow attempt to promote the a&mtm brand and not to actually commemorate fallen aggiestm some aggies have stated that 12 filled seats would better represent the spirit of the twelfth mantm than 12 empty seats chancellor john sharp recently issued a response to any upset aggies this is to honor and remember all aggies who have passed! when each game is televised i guarantee they will feature [these] seats it will further solidify our ownership of the 12th man [and] it would be a big mistake not to do this said sharp dont quote me on that by the way its illegal to write the words twelfth man without paying royalties the statement did little to relieve the aggies following the news of the kyle field renovate-athontm sharp has since retracted his previous statements apparently the twelfth man is not as loyal as i thought this may sound like appeasement but i assure you that it only sounds that way because it is i will meet you halfway we will only leave the seats half empty the implications of the report are not entirely understood at this moment but since the announcement a few idealists have argued that this means that the seats will likely be half full however critics of sharps handling of the empty seats have insisted they will remain just that: half empty these pessimists have chosen to optimistically refer to themselves as realists the current debate is over sharps vague use of the word half aggies are presently speculating whether this means that only 6 of the seats will be filled with people or if all 12 seats will be filled but only halfway this breaks down even further as supporters of the 12 seats half-filled theory argue over the many possible interpretations for how a seat could be filled with only half a person: children little people double amputees or charlie strong -honey bear follow @bigoldhoneybear
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noel ellis is about to become a huge asset for a major accounting firm after years of dedication and hard work ms ellis has passed the cpa exam and will now become a professional account fulfilling a dream she has had since childhood most people hate accounting some tolerate it noel loves it said sarah paige johnson her lifelong friend we are just different you know that sentiment was shared by most people who knew noel growing up most claim that while she was a complete joy to be around she always seemed a little aloof like any 13 year old girl i would always tell noel about which boys i had a crush on she wouldnt shut up about someone named sarbanes oxley he wasnt even that cute said johnson noels mother melanie ellis was equally confused by her daughters strange obsession with financial accounting particularly because no one in the family had ever been an accountant or even in business for that matter her first word was asset! it wasnt mama or daddy of course not! said mrs ellis a lot of kids talk about dinosaurs mine asked about our roth ira noel began balancing the family books around age 15 the summer after her freshman year she tried to turn in her parents for tax evasion claiming there was an intentional error in the way her deductions were calculated when i told her to follow her dreams i really thought she was going to want to be a princess or a teacher maybe even a dancer not my noel said mrs ellis she did go through a brief government regulation phase but she grew out of that most students who choose to pursue accounting do so because it is a lucrative career or they are good with numbers seldom do people have a passion for accounting its great to see someone so genuinely excited to dedicate their life to dealing with taxes and monotony said steve harper corporate slave noel ellis will begin work in the tax division of kpmg in the fall -cactus jack
as spring break rapidly approaches many students have taken time off their busy schedules to cut back and hang loose one hilarious student has taken it a step further chad hayes a ‘super senior on his ‘second victory lap spent $40 on a surprisingly detailed plastic replica of a pair of testicles for his pick-up truck i take a lot of pride in my truck its a sign of what a man i am thats why ive decided to give it the most emasculating thing possible a clean-shaven and disproportionately small scrotum said hayes his test-acular undercarriage can be seen bouncing along northgate multiple times a week oftentimes my truck and my balls are my only proof to people of how not gay i am said hayes i almost spend more time telling people about all the tough things i do than actually doing them i played junior varsity football in highschool i own 6 pocket knives and i go hunting all the time thats why im always wearing camo want to see pictures of the deer i shot two years ago it was immediately evident that hayes humor went beyond just his taste in car decor a classmate of hayes said if he can call enough attention to himself to make a joke he will regardless of the situation hes got these two awesome jokes he uses for everything: either he compares it to a time he banged a hot chick à la a ‘thats what she said joke or he calls it gay man never gets old hayes friends have described him as the kind of guy who starts acting drunk after half a beer takes axe commercials at face value and always has the same expired condom in his back pocket even if hes just going to class on monday morning hayes promises to prominently display his trademark humor charming personality and tiny balls around college station until he graduates i really want to further establish my masculinity so im going to slap balls on my rear bumper all the time thats what she said* honey bear *our sources have yet to confirm if that is indeed what she said follow @bigoldhoneybear
a revolutionary health trend involving the exclusion of gluten from the diet has lately gained prominence in the realm of dieting primarily as a method of weight loss ever health conscious and trendy many students at texas a&m have decided to restrict their diets to the consumption of only gluten-free foods these students choose not to eat or drink anything containing gluten including bread cookies and beer somehow surviving by eating only meat fruit and vegetables brian smith junior rpts major determined that he was gluten intolerant 2 months ago after a grueling self-examination smith believes that the gluten free lifestyle is a serious choice and not one to be taken lightly its definitely a lifestyle choice that takes a lot of commitment and humility you really need to be able to deny yourself but at the same time you need to be careful to let other people know that you dont think youre better than them for deciding to abstain even if you are said smith smith said he enjoyed learning his limits and discovering the cardboard-like taste of many gluten-free bread products its all part of the sacrifice you really need to be able to find a reason to keep going or you can easily slip back into the dangerous zone of eating things that taste good said smith however smiths resolution was short lived when he realized he chose to go gluten free a mere 8 weeks before his 21st smith grudgingly rescinded his new lifestyle choice when he realized he would not be able to drink beer on his birthday i struggled with the idea for entire days it just felt like i would be giving up such an important part of my life smith said giving up his newly beloved gluten free diet was hard for smith as he truly felt this was something to which he was deeply committed and he had expected to righteously forego the taste of bread for the rest of his life but given the choice between potential weight loss and a night of shotgunning natty light smith decided it was in his best interests to override his self-prescribed dietary restrictions its just not the right time for this smith said adding that he would consider re-converting at a later date smith does not blame peer pressure as drinking beer and possessing a gluten allergy seem to be almost equally popular activities these days he simply laments that he was caught between such a rock and hard place in having to decide between the two some students are in fact gluten intolerant their bodies cannot process the gluten contained in many foods and so they do not have a choice in the matter kristen mcneal a sophomore biomedical engineer is one such student last year mcneal was diagnosed by a doctor with celiacs disease an autoimmune disorder caused by a reaction to gluten mcneal experiences physical pain when she eats gluten and expressed confusion as to why anyone would choose to impose such a limitation upon themselves i just really dont get why someone would choose to be gluten free if they dont have to be do they just hate normal tasting food i think i actually gained weight when i stopped eating gluten products mcneal said smith says he did not lose any weight during his gluten-free period he has however reported significant weight gain since his 21st birthday – revelicious
to read part 1 of this article click here although satirical in nature all facts names and organizations used in this story are entirely true this story aims to expose a well-established political machine that has been selecting the student body president for years public information used in this exposé was found via aggienetwork facebook the battalion and organizational websites this letter was delivered late last night march 2nd to mugdown hq addressed from former student body president jeff pickering unlike his previous letters we were expecting this one however that does not mean we were ready for it the following are the unaltered contents of his letter: darkness shadows the tools of cowards my tools the tools of a man beaten but not defeated a man who has been forced by the hand dealt to him by fate to sling mud from the most shaded corners of the globe but i must do what i can to bring forth the light with this letter i will drag the three prime movers of the texas a&m government with me into the dazzling glare of the public eye as i stated in my previous letter the machine runs candidates that are chosen from three primary factions of the campus – the fish aides the aggie mens club and the maroon coats these three organizations are very nearly a necessity for the candidate himself – or his staff – for that campaign to win the first tier: the fish aides for those unaware fish aides is a freshman leadership organization the most popular unpopular one at that it operates under a staff of former freshmen – or sophomores if you will – providing unique leadership opportunities to first-year students through a seemingly standard application and interview process a group of 40 freshmen are selected each september but what separates fish aides from the rest of the flos is the pressure of involvement that fish aides demands after its members graduate from the flo fish aides selects only four freshmen to return as staff for the following year while the remaining freshmen return as sophomore mentors to the new class of freshmen fish aides these parents continue the traditions of building a highly connected network that encompasses all sga committees like a black widow spider their web of connections grows and grows while the fish aides wait in the center of all activity plucking the strings to watch the world dance in fear during a freshmans tenure in fish aides each fish serves as an ‘aide to a committee in student government this means there is a fish aide that assists with muster the big event cosga traditions council student senate election commission executive vice president and many other committees this along with the constant contact from former fish aides make for an extremely well-connected group of individuals comprising the foundation of the machine these freshmen know you do not just become the machines candidate you have to work from the bottom up scavenging what connections and information they can if there is one thing those freshmen know it is that information is power – and the amount of information these freshmen possess is prodigious and no one man should have all that power the second tier – the aggie mens club (amc) amc is a non-greek fraternal organization that focuses on developing members physically emotionally and spiritually all while serving texas a&m amc is known for selecting high-caliber individuals who later serve in leadership roles around all of campus; one look at our sbp resume list and that is obvious sometimes they just cut out the middle man and select people who are already prominent leaders on campus by observing past sbp campaign teams i found that if that particular candidate was not a member of amc many of his staff and support was hell well probably see a female sbp before a winning campaign with no amc connection heres looking at you hilary albrecht this group popped up more times in my research than any other organization it seems that the in committee changed every few years – about ten years ago it was cosga now one could argue it is the big event however like our universitys storied traditions some things dont change and amc remains the cornerstone of successful sbp campaigns the third tier – the maroon coats maroon coats is the ultimate end goal of many involved student leaders at texas a&m maroon coats is a highly-prestigious organization who serve as ambassadors of texas a&m to former donors and distinguished alumni through the a&m foundation technically speaking maroon coats is not even a legitimate student organization they are not recognized by a&m nor do they want to be by being an unofficial student organization maroon coats has a freedom most organizations do not – selecting members as they see fit by nature of the organization maroon coats only selects highly-involved students at a&m i considered applying for it but after running an sbp campaign i had grown weary of popularity contests and petty politics with the liberty to choose who they want to join the selection process quickly devolves into a popularity contest i had seen too many good men put on that maroon coat of entitlement and wanted nothing to do with it thats not to say maroon coats isnt a fine organization the texas a&m foundation does great things for this university and maroon coats are an important reason we have such a strong donor base its like i always say though with a great coat come great responsibility the machine is built upon these three tiers and has been since its inception my advice: if you want to become student body president consider joining one or more of these groups however if you value your freedom – think twice my friends -jeff pickering ‘12 dont be deceived though the machine does not end here it is a combination of reputation prestige and connectedness that makes this group so effective this is a three-part exposé in part three i will ask the hard question: what does this mean for a&m to read part 1 of this article click here
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austin tx – the former governor of texas and president of texas amc faces arson charges after police say he set a small shed on fire in austin late last evening lawrence sullivan ross is charged with first and second-degree arson malicious burning and reckless endangerment according to travis county district court records austin police went to the scene which had unfolded near the university of texas campus after a suspicious fire was reported around two in the morning neighbors told police that late that night while the t-sips were in bed ol sul ross put a lantern in the shed the aggie appeared to have knocked it over though it is not clear whether this was intentional the shed was quickly engulfed in a burnt orange inferno itll be a hot time in austin tonight! said ross he proceeded to country western dance for the next ten minutes onlookers described the scene as a bit strange and red ass though most agreed that the whole situation was unbefitting of a man as respected as ross who had served in nearly every major position in the state however to aggies ross will always be remembered not for engulfing austin in flames but for the ways he selflessly served texas amc even if he does face life in prison -cactus jack
although satirical in nature all facts names and organizations used in this story are entirely true public information used in this exposé was found via aggienetwork facebook the battalion and organizational websites from the outside looking in you cant understand it and from the inside looking out you cant explain it this letter was delivered late last night february 25th to mugdown hq addressed from former student body president jeff pickering after our last letter from him we were surprised a second was able to find its way to our doorstep we were also a bit confused because we thought he was dead… but it seems that when things get tough pickering gets tougher the following are the unaltered contents of his letter: i am referring not to the spirit of aggieland but rather the political machine that has been meticulously constructed over the last ten years with the election season concluding in unspectacular form i decided to dig deeper and i struck gold fools gold the shiny chunk of iron sulfide put on display for our noble school to gawk at i examined the inner-workings of aggie student politics to determine why the most recent candidates have been able to win elections so handily it was sickening to watch kyle kellys campaign video featuring an endorsement from reid joseph it was masterfully formulaic i could not help but recall josephs own video last year with endorsements from three student body presidents: john claybrook mark gold and worst of all myself these endorsements are instrumental in swaying undecided voters the question then you should be asking is not why these establishment candidates keep winning no it goes deeper than that the question is why have the past student body presidents continued to be involved in aggie politics long after their term i went to the aggie student government association and began to research the past ten student body presidents to find out what i thought were just coincidences began to come up again and again as far back as 2005 current student body presidents and other campus leaders were endorsing and essentially choosing the man who would will fill their shoes another president another continuation of the trend what i found myself tied up in was a fully-functioning political establishment known simply as ‘the machine this clanking monstrosity of an organization commands enough votes to control a city a state – or in this case – a school many universities around the nation have established well-known machines and texas a&m has the lowest of them all my goal is not to criticize the men and women involved many of the poor devils are not even aware of the machines existence no my goal is merely to bring the machine sputtering into the light the men behind the machine can consistently be pinned to three primary campus organizations: aggie mens club maroon coats and the worst fish aides these three organizations are well known and even respected on campus producing many of the most recognized members of the aggie community below is the list of the past ten student body presidents including the new president-elect kyle kelly you will find the organizations mentioned above as well as any relevant executive positions kyle kelly ‘14 maroon coats exec vp reids campaign manager bca ross volunteers reid joseph ‘14 amc maroon coats fish aides abbott john claybrook ‘13 amc maroon coats fish aides jeff pickering ‘12 amc glc jacob robinson ‘11 maroon coats fish aides eric beckham ‘10 amc fish aides exec vice president big event mark gold ‘09 maroon coats fish aides big event conner prochaska ‘08 amc ross volunteers pmc e-2 nic taunton ‘07 amc sga development vp freshman sga programs jim carlson ‘06 amc cosga parents weekend of the last 10 presidents there have been four in fish aides five in maroon coats and seven in amc i decided i wanted a challenge by only joining one of the three although not listed above most of these candidates were also active managers or volunteers with the winning student body president campaign below them starting to notice the trend in my research i found an opinion piece by jason deuterman published to the battalion in 2007 that puts it beautifully the influence amc exerts on the student population is important to any candidate the organization endorses but influence always comes second to an organization that can provide manpower deuterman said the candidate who wields the power of the fish aides is the true front runner it has reached a point where one simply has to look at the candidates resume to know who will win the election sorry kasey and gus sorry garrett nerren sorry thomas mcnutt its nothing personal – its just politics many upperclassmen have become jaded by this but the freshmen are still naive bless their poor ignorant souls they dont know the system yet and so many of the campaign promises would directly impact their lives they each have a personal stake in the candidates this is where the machine draws its power it is filled with influential connected leaders and supported by an organization of stupid freshmen – freshmen who are more than willing to hold banners for an entire week if it means that in two years it will be their name on that banner after all it worked for me -jeff pickering ‘12 dont be deceived though the machine is not supported solely by manpower it is a combination of reputation prestige and connectedness that makes this group so effective this is a three-part exposé in part two i will attack what each of the organizations supporting the machine contributes and what makes their campaigns so effective to read the second part of this article click here
washington dc in a groundbreaking discovery made at the geological society of americas 14th national conference geologists from texas a&m university have confirmed that ol rock (the good ag) is 454 billion years old1 after comparing notes with other eminent geologists around the nation and piecing together irrefutable carbon dating evidence2 we can now say that ol rock is in fact 454 billion years old said bill myers3 writer of mcgee and me we havent decided yet if he has a summer birthday though im really hoping for june this revelation came hours before the texas school board4 officially announced that ol rock is 6000 years old5 when asked to support their position the chairman of the board sam harris6 7 said we talked to his father8 and that was the age he told us well sort of he mentioned some family history9 and 6000 is the age we reckoned from that as of press time the gsa and the texas school board reached an agreement that ol rock was most definitely between 6000 and 454 billion years old beyond a shadow of a doubt10 -bellamy partridge editors notes: 1 age of the earth consistent with our totally-concrete-and-never-going-to-need-to-be-updated evolutionary theory 2 carbon dating is ineffective past 45 000 years who dates someone that old anyway also carbon dating is like totally the most effective type of radiometric dating for determining the age of rocks 3 prolific christian writer of fun childrens books 4 currently attempting to enforce creationism in texas public schools 5 age of the earth according to 17th-century bishop james ussher who is still quoted today because he most definitely used super up to date scientific chronological and historical methods to date the age of the earth 6 one of the four horsemen of new atheism often referred to as pasty pale rider and that guy who looks like ben stiller right 7 not to be confused with pop singer of the same name and writer of 2010 gay anthem my reclamation 8 we are still uncertain if the father ever indeed consulted the texas school board 9 because genealogy charts never skip generations 10 because science!
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6:00 pm february 21 2014 thats right you heard it here first out of what has been an incredibly heated election season a winner has been announced we beat the batt to the punch on this one hell we even beat the election commissioner on this one kasey kram class of 2015 has been declared the new student body president for the 2014-2015 school year although he was favored in the polls the news will likely come as a shock to the many students across campus who didnt realize there were people who were still taking this years election seriously in fact a few fake candidates were written in enough times to be serious contenders looking at you johnny gustafson and bailey burrus it is the closest vote we have had in years said allison krenzien election commissioner for the student government association but we have had the votes recounted 15 times and can say with semi-certainty that kasey kram won the election in the midst of their victory celebration kram said im still trying to take it all in i am not trying to be humble but i dont believe it myself well maybe i do but johnny gustafson made me really nervous kram will be taking office this year following the resignation of current student body president reid joseph kram pledges to hold to his campaign promise of focusing on the big picture making sure a&m grows and flourishes over the next five years primarily his term will place an emphasis on making west campus a place people besides business majors care about and ensuring meal plans do not remain the universitys not-so-secret way of lining their pockets best of luck with those campus holds its breath to see the results of krams term only time will tell if he succeeds in his mission statement or if he gets filed for impeachment
there are many different candidates for sbp this election season if youre like us youre probably still trying to figure out who to vote for because lets face it we know nothing about these candidates so we did our research and have made a simple and easy to read guide on everything you should know about each candidate to make an informed decision this year read our guide and then let us know who you are voting for! now that were filled in lets go gig the vote! votetamuedu [polldaddy poll=7816233] well release the results of our poll tomorrow!
yesterday a small branch of campus died the phrase c ♥ l was found carved into the beloved century tree many believed it to be the work of a red-ass couple etching their name into the history of a&m however we have uncovered the seedy truth our team of journalists worked tirelessly to reach out to those familiar with the century tree this included the grounds staff the two corps proposals that occurred last night and more importantly two eyewitnesses they found the root of the problem and it shocked our staff and will rock this campus around 8:15pm local time charlie strong head coach of the texas longhorns football team was reportedly seen leaving the century tree knife in hand we have interpreted the carvings to mean charlie loves longhorns this crude fourth grade showing of affection stems from a lack of respect and is an affront to our university and our traditions sources say strong was beginning to engrave screw the gadget program and #nosir deep into the trees bark but was thwarted by several students the university speaks for itself said strong earlier this month we dont need gadgets were not going to be a gadget program it appears that texas university needed a little help speaking for themselves last night university police are investigating the atrocity and one wood reasonably expect campus officials particularly kevin sumlin to issue a response in the coming days if you witness any suspicious behavior involving single individuals around the tree please call 9-911 immediately
from washingtons powdered wig to obamas buzz cut everyone knows that presidents have always been defined by their hair a well groomed head is a recipe for political success just ask john edwards the former senator from north carolina who regularly spent 400 dollars on every haircut the same principle applies to student body presidents men like john claybrook and jeff pickering are defined not by the style of their actions but by the style of their hair here at the mugdown we have created a guide that breaks down past and present sbp candidates by their two most prominent qualities: how presidential and how seductive their hair is -cactus jack and honey bear
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campus has been hit by a new marketing strategy from gus blessings student body president campaign the believe in blessing team has decided to capitalize on flu season by shouting ‘gus bless you whenever somebody sneezes half of campus has the sniffles and the other half has allergies the opportunity was too good to miss said shelby taylor public relations executive for the blessing campaign during this overwhelming campaign season many students are bogged down with meetings banners and organizational speaking thus casual conversation has become a more prominent campaigning grounds for candidates because your friends helping out with campaigns werent obnoxious enough already its perfect because i can both be polite in conversation after somebody sneezes and also plug the best sbp candidate it really gets the word out and nobody finds it irritating in the slightest said gus blessing with a wink i may not know a lot of football players or aggie athletes said blessing but i do know that everybody sneezes while the gus bless you campaign tactic has already begun to ingrain itself into campus many are not aware of a fact that the blessing campaign team has tried to keep underwrap blessing supporters have started internally calling themselves beliebers it is a way for those of us who believe in blessing to unite together under a common name and it is definitely not a pr coverup for gus blessings unadulterated love for justin bieber said taylor blessing said i dont care if youre fat or skinny white or black christian or atheist (this continued for about five minutes) gay or normal even if youre a two percenter blessing said everyone can be a belieber gus bless you gus bless each and everyone of you -sbisa cookie
those running with richmond will be pleased to know that amid rampant controversy mr howard has produced his birth certificate it is confirmed that his date of birth is april 6th of 1993 not 1978 as many had speculated richmond howard is known for many things he is the former president of pike he had a successful stint as a mays business school senator however what he may be most famous for is his receding hairline you have no idea what the stress coming from this election season has done to me said richmonds hairline youd be receding too if you had it this rough sga regulations state that only students can run for student body president that is why the news of mr howards birth certificate comes at such a crucial time i would hate for richmond to be disqualified just because he looks like he should be dropping his kids off at carpool said alan clayton howards campaign manager richmonds staff is collectively very relieved for this ordeal to be over with though they were shocked when the other sbp candidates initially brought richmonds age into question nonetheless the certificate was promptly delivered to allison krenzien election commissioner at the beginning of this week after extensive analysis it was confirmed that the certificate was genuine and not a forgery as jake walker editor-in-chief of the battalion and kyle kellys campaign team had previously contested everyone knew roy may was over 30 years old that combined with his military experience ended up working to his advantage in yell leader elections last spring said clayton we plan on adopting a similar strategy even though richmond isnt actually a grown man he just looks like one as of press time mr howards campaign team is trying to find a way to enlist him in the army before general campaigning begins on february 17th
this letter was delivered late last night february 12th to mugdown hq addressed from former student body president jeff pickering at first we did not think anything of it that is until we opened it the following are the unaltered contents of his letter: mugdown if you received this package that means that i am already dead what i am about to reveal has cost me so dearly and will undoubtedly rip the very fabric of our beloved school it all started so seemingly innocent and well-intentioned but power got the better of us like a bothrops asper it slithered into the dark recesses of our hearts poisoning all that it bit the contents of this package reveal the rampant corruption and political scandals that have festered under the nose of the a&m student body mark my words the illuminati may or may not exist but it pales in comparison to the the true power players of texas a&m the seedy underbelly crawls all the way to the top who do you think created the whole uproar about johnny manziel getting paid for his signatures who do you think would create rumors about governor rick perry becoming a&ms next president who do you think feeds the ducks at research park its all just a dirty ploy to divert our attention as the great stage magician pulls the real trick over our eyes it is what little i have left of a conscience that compels me to tell you details of the latest corruption while it would be easier to say nothing i must speak if we at texas a&m are to remain free it all started january 13th 2014 loftins last day i didnt think things would go as far as they did but like the aggies running out of the tunnel at the football games some men just love power and perhaps things wouldnt have escalated if it werent for a man named cary cheshire unlike the other vermin i dealt with he was no great illusionist he was just a man that got in the way almost everyone knew cary a handful even liked the guy most recognized him from serving as a campaign team assistant for the past two years second place sbp candidates – thomas mcnutt and garrett nerren i should have known that it was going to be cary to spoil the plans he was always looking for a fight well he got one he got one hell of a fight i was visiting the sga office for old times sake when i saw a disheveled bowen loftin leaving reids office i knew something was afoot immediately reid was sitting at his desk with his feet up and wearing a weird look on his face one that i hadnt seen before was it a smirk i couldnt tell we made small talk for a bit it didnt last long he asked me what i knew about kyle kelly i told him not much that wasnt entirely true obviously reid knew that i was a part of the student body president club and i suppose that if im already dead you should know about the club as former student body presidents we talk theres a secret handshake a trapdoor in the msc typical elitist secret society stuff reid then explained to me that kyle kelly was the new man chosen by the sbpc to take over the regime this was to be expected he was in the unique position of being able to reach the corps of cadets maroon coats fish aides and the christian bubble his only flaw was that he was a senior reid told me that he knew exactly how to make this thing work but that he had to go a bit higher up the food chain that explained loftin i had a lot of questions could he even endorse a sbp candidate as former president did he even know kyle joseph saw my confused look and stopped me he pulled out an envelope: large manila with a red string the kind used for secrets he didnt tell me what was inside but i knew every sbp knew hell every administrator at the school knew about the blackmail the board of regents had on loftin i nodded finally putting the pieces together blackmailing the former president of a university was bold and unprecedented but it wasnt surprising ive heard crazier sbp stories but those im taking to my grave joseph pulled out a laptop and played the video of the endorsement loftin had recorded just minutes ago i will admit it seemed entirely genuine you could barely tell that loftin was reading cue cards and had his ankles zip-tied to the leg of josephs desk could you hear the whimpering at the beginning he asked me i could not the smirk returned to his face and i shuddered at that moment cary cheshire turned into the sga office reid stopped and stared out the small window on his door we both heard cary outside but we didnt know what he heard or rather how much he heard one month later all was well after a discussion with the sbpc we came to the conclusion that cary was unaware i soon learned how truly wrong we were i awoke at 1:02am to my phone buzzing from the one number i fear most – the private sbpc line after the cary run-in i immediately assumed the worst and i assumed correctly i answered the phone to hear an enraged kyle kelly and a crying reid joseph on the other end after multiple attempts to calm the two down kyle kelly was finally able to force out the name i knew was coming cheshire cary cheshire he knows jeff he knows everything reid breathed heavily into the red phone the club the room the scandals the machine – jeff he knows! i wanted out but it was too late like tissue i was being sucked down with the rest of the filth you know what happened next the whole campus knows what happened next cary cheshire filed for impeachment – not exactly music to a student body presidents ears i told them to calm down that we can maneuver through this i knew that if we could handle the claybrook 2013 scandal we could handle anything i told them to trust in the system and we would begin the damage control the plan came too easily we needed to shift the blame off reid and on to somebody else someone to serve as the scapegoat richmond howard was perfect he was kyles biggest competitor and there was just something i didnt like about that receding hairline so we pulled out the biggest weapon we could bear – the blue book our best friend and our worst enemy the book is what we live by the blue book is the receipt of our politics it contains the names and positions of people we owe and more importantly the people that owe us after flipping through the book one name stood out – jake walker editor-in-chief of the battalion he owed us and he owed us big when he helped to expose the josh light scandal in 2012 he kicked a larger hornets nest than he realized he was in trouble and trouble is our business it only took six cadets and one conversation later and jake was in our back pocket that fateful spring day now was the time to cash in by 2:00am jake had a letter in his mailbox from his favorite ‘grandma holding instructions on what to write and who to write by 11:00pm the following night jake published an opinion piece and the rest will be history weve gone too far cary thinks he got them that he got us but he is icarus and we are the scorching sun that will set his wings ablaze if theres a god ill have to beg his forgiveness if history is written by the victors i hate to see what the textbooks will say that is why i sent you this letter tell the students tell the city tell the state the whole world must know the truth godspeed jeff pickering ‘12 student body president 2011-2012
college station tx at breakaway on tuesday night the christian bubble at texas a&m burst at the crescendo of the famous song by david crowder how he loves the bubble became so full of raised hands and loud voices that it simply could not hold up any longer the pop echoed throughout college station causing waves in every fountain on campus it was amazing breakaway speaker ben stuart said i could really feel the spirit moving reed arena employees immediately called the fire department as well as the company that dried the blocker building out to clean up the mess students were carried out on the backs of other students the occasional carry each others burdens resounded through the arena no serious injuries have been reported but tales of humble service have been flooding social media ptl for the godly man who rescued me from reed tonight meet me at mugwalls tomorrow tweeted sophomore psychology major sarah abrahams speculation is heavy as to why the bubble suddenly burst on tuesday jeff johnson worship leader of breakaway has reportedly played that song multiple times the bubble had stayed intact until that moment many believe the explosion is the result of recent massive expansion of the bubble the release of impact counselor emails on monday and subsequent reveal nights have strained the wall of the bubble to its breaking point yeah i was just at breakaway with my new camp when we heard this huge pop and then total chaosshout out to omega naphtali though! john mark davidson freshman rpts major said whatever the reason the bubble has burst university authorities have taken steps to ensure the cleaning of reed arena as for the bubble students say that its flood is still persisting and will not be contained or controlled in the foreseeable future -lone star lady
college station tx – at the mandatory candidates meeting on sunday election commissioner allison krenzien announced a dramatic new change to the 2014 election regulations this campaign season videos promoting student body elections cannot feature any music from the band explosions in the sky krenzien said the uproar from the candidates was immediate within minutes half the senators in the room began drafting a bill to declare the ban unconstitutional richmond howards manager gracie wood stared at krenzien in disbelief patrick mcginity who was not aware explosions in the sky was a band started to whimper and embrace roy may explosions in the sky is a popular instrumental band that formed in austin tx and since 1999 has served as the default soundtrack for various student body election videos at texas a&m as krenzien attempted to calm the candidates down by justifying her decision thomas mcnutt stormed through the back door carrying a table which he proceeded to set down and flip over what do you mean we cant use explosions in the sky what else are we supposed to use [allison] has completely crippled this campaign season! said mcnutt as he handed patrick mcginity a box of tissues he then realized where he was and proceeded to back out of the room slowly but not before offering allison a fruit cake from collin street bakery where he now works full time with the election commission controlling promotional video soundtracks candidates wondered what else they could control can we at least continue to film montages of monuments around campus then film a far away shot of the candidate while the camera zooms in for a gig ‘em shot then one unfocused blurry shot all completed with a voice over by the candidate saying he is here to serve the students then can we finally post it on vimeo so that people take us more seriously or is that banned too! rambled gus blessing krenzien consented and said that she would expect nothing less krenzien closed the meeting by explaining that while this is a big decision it is for the best after unsuccessfully trying to start a btho explosions in the sky yell krenzien simply shrugged and said together we will gig the vote! -sbisa cookie
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college station- texas a&m university has secured the final piece of their already impressive 2014 class in a four star running back out of georgia the school was quick out of the gate recruiting this year and the last minute addition is an important pick up for the aggies you cant help but pay attention to the statistics this kid has put up said clarence mckinnney running back coach for texas a&m he is 34-3 in his career you just cant ignore a winner like that the running back will be a building block in what is already a very impressive offense according to reports from rivals and 247sports he is a physical specimen capable of hitting the hole fast and aggressively he is still a young player and growing very quickly we are definitely open to moving him to a different position depending on how he develops said mckinney the georgia four star has impressive strength and agility recruiting highlights indicate he has great vision and a real mean streak he is all lean muscle with a strong core and excellent balance the kid is a thoroughbreda real animal said brad clemens his former jockey some are skeptical as to how an actual racehorse will fare in sec football but texas a&m has been known to take risks in the past everyone remembers how the school took a player recruited as a safety and turned him into a heisman winner turning a horse into a football player shouldnt be much different if air bud could play basketball then this horse can play football said mckinney as of press time it is rumored that peta has planned a protest outside the bright football complex they claim that texas a&m utilizing both a horse and players which peta argues are essentially treated as animals is both abusive and dangerous although peta officials admit they are a little excited about the possibility of seeing a horse play football [feather_follow]
blinn students will be pleased to see a familiar face describing the merits and nature of religion next semester this afternoon the school announced the hiring of jed smock known to many as brother jed as the new philosophy of religion instructor according to the official blinn course catalog the class surveys basic religious issues such as the existence and nature of god religious and mystical experience miracles immorality the problem of evil the relationship between reason and faith and the meaning of religious language and symbols brother jed graduated from indiana state university after receiving his masters degree in history from isu he enjoyed a brief stint as a history professor at the university of wisconsin- la crosse better known as the harvard of wisconsin it was not long before brother jed realized that teaching wasnt his true passion he dedicated himself to preaching to college campuses across america the message he proclaims to students is one of love and tolerance i guess i would consider myself a militant atheist but that all changed when i met brother jed said sophomore biology major sam hooding i always thought christians were a bunch of close-minded bigots brother jed radically changed my opinion of christianity for the better blinn college is excited for the publicity that this hire will bring as brother jed is a bit of a celebrity on texas a&ms campus we believe this will be a great fit for both parties since brother jed isnt a real teacher and we arent a real university said cynthia griffith vice president of instruction when reached for comment brother jed rambled for several minutes but finally said something along the lines of a masturbator today is a homosexual tomorrow and liberals will burn in hell -cactus jack editors note: he also called me a slut
in a move that has shocked the campus texas a&m university dining has announced that it will be severing ties with pepsico in its place university administrators have awarded rival company coca-cola bottlers consolidated the exclusive right to sell products on campus the universitys contract with pepsico a multi-year partnership which began july 2010 is set to expire july 27 2014 as many students have remarked the contract comes just in time for the university to replace campus dining locations with new coca-cola products for the upcoming fall semester the new coca-cola contract will cover all fountain can and bottle drinks distributed on campus this includes every university dining hall convenience store and vending machine as well as all special events and athletic concessions i am most excited that our newfound relationship with the men and women at coca-cola bottlers is beginning before the completion of our new kyle field throughout our upcoming seasons the 12th man will be proud to enjoy coca-cola said texas a&m vice president for finance and administration bj crain while neither the university nor coca-cola have currently stated the amount of the official bid a&ms division of finance and administration predicts the value to be upwards of $275 million however they have since redacted the statement disclosing that the exact amount is still being negotiated crain has since announced that the university and coca-cola fully intend to come to a reasonable and timely agreement the details of which will be made public once they are approved beginning at the inauguration of their exclusivity contract in late july coca-cola will now claim rights to be the official soft drink of texas a&m university the administration has called it the first time in the universitys history where literally no one was upset with the decision…well except pepsi -honey bear follow @bigoldhoneybear contact jason cook apr texas a&m public relations 9794581729 mary viola pepsi beverages co public relations 9794581729 8473411603 [email protected]
yesterday january 28th 2014 a date which will live in obscurity the maroon lampoon was suddenly and deliberately attacked by the forces of the mugdown a cutthroat paper with deadly intent to conquer the maroon lampoon the maroon lampoon was at peace with the rival newspaper and at the solicitation of the mugdown was in conversation with the mugdown looking toward the maintenance of peace in the satirical newspaper niche indeed the mugdown ambassador to the maroon lampoon delivered to our editor-in-chief a message stating that it seemed useless to continue the existing diplomatic negotiations but it contained no threat or hint of war it will be recorded that the distance of our headquarters from the mugdown makes it obvious that the attack was deliberately planned many days or even weeks ago during the intervening time the mugdown has deliberately sought to deceive the maroon lampoon by false statements and expressions of hope for continued peace the attack yesterday has caused severe damage to maroon lampoon forces i regret to tell you that very many maroon lampoon interns have been lost our sweet buffalo bill passed earlier today after slipping on ice while fleeing the scene yesterday the mugdown government also launched an attack against the battalion last night mugdown forces attacked the good bull and this morning the mugdown attacked hong kong our editor-in-chief has directed that all measures be taken for our defense but always will our whole nation remember the character of the onslaught against us hostilities exist there is no blinking at the fact that our people our territory and our interests are in grave danger with confidence in our armed forces with the unbounding determination of our people we will gain the inevitable triumph so help us god -honey bear [polldaddy poll=7756100]
college station tx – in a twist of events that surprised even the professor himself it appears that a student in his introduction to accounting class has read the syllabus despite requiring this mundane assignment every year this is the first time on record that a student has in fact read it most people just stop as soon as they see how the teacher grades but im not most people i read every word of that sucker and let me tell you it was enlightening said john pecker a freshman business major syllabus day as it is known is a sort of holiday to many students everyone knows you basically just show up and try and figure out if you have any friends in the class you certainly dont do any work that is the unspoken agreement between professors and students regarding the first day of a new class since the syllabus is covered in class students dont typically read it they just zone out when the professor goes over the important dates and grading policies dr brody a third year intro to accounting professor admits most years i just copy and paste whatever the school forces me to put in there; stuff like the aggie honor code and general expectations sometimes if im bored i bs a schedule for the semester i mean why should i spend hours working on something that no one will ever read he wondered john doesnt see it that way according to him the syllabus is a way for me to truly grasp what i can learn from a class and commit to academic excellence its never too early to cram for syllabus day other content in the syllabus includes contact information and office hours details my favorite part was probably the americans with disabilities act i never knew that my professor was so accommodating pecker said dr brody was both impressed and a little confused by the fact that someone in the class would read the entirety of the syllabus however he was quickly brought back to reality when he asked for questions at the end of the class mr pecker sitting in the front row raised his hand and despite reading the entire syllabus asked the professor if the final exam would be cumulative -cactus jack
a new semester has begun at texas a&m university and with a new year comes an influx of visitors to the campus marla campbell the mother of a visiting high school senior was overwhelmingly inspired by the universitys numerous men in uniform chad jordanfishwas approached by campbell near the quad while walking to his morning class i pray that my son will one day be brave and remember the way you stood up for our freedom thank you thank you for your service campbell bubbled at jordan jordan blushed at the heartfelt praise but later mused on its misplacement it was really awkward it was a difficult position for the cadet but it is one that has been braved by many cadets throughout the universitys history to accept the praise or to correct the visiting parent that they have in fact never served in any branch of the military its been two semesters of this madness and the question still keeps me up at night a local pisshead confessed a&ms very own commandant has implemented a 3-step plan over the last 5 years 1 educate yourself know the signs and know the risks by wearing a uniform you have made yourself a target education is the only way we stop this from spreading 2 reduce your risk of exposure avoid tour groups and avoid anyone that could match the following description: 30-50 years of age thoughtlessly patriotic and white 3 build up your support system sometimes it cannot be helped somedays its an unwinnable situation in these instances you will need your friends and even your family the road to recovery is a rocky one but your brothers and sisters of the corps will be there to put you back on your feet we are the keepers of the spirit of aggieland we are the corps cadets and youre welcome for our service nodded the commandant with a tear in his eye -honey bear follow @bigoldhoneybear
prepare to see a ‘block n forming on the north end of kyle field citing student confusion as the primary reason texas a&m university officials have decided to change their historic logo in what is sure to be a controversial decision officials have finally caved into phonetics according to the director of student life people just dont say ‘a-t-m they say a&m whereas our old logo reflected the deep traditions of the texas agriculture and mechanics college in the ‘block t we believe new army will appreciate the updated logo initially the artists hired by the university struggled to bevel the ampersand the bevel was a non-negotiable on the part of school officials claiming it was a staple of all academically elite universities it wasnt until around one in the morning before their deadline that a sleep deprived designer suggested using an n at first artists were skeptical but the design grew on them a local artists rendition of how the future of a&m may look the student response from focus groups has been generally positive noah smith a freshman said for a long time i didnt know whether i went to a university or a bank i kept seeping this atm logo everywhere it was confusing to me and my friends questions remain regarding how long the implementation of this logo will take but it will likely be a difficult transition for the university -cactus jack
a college station staple since 1985 is it time to say goodbye to four dollar movies aggies a conversation between junior economics major raj panesar and the manager of cinemark in college station has prompted an evaluation of ticket prices theodore allen has both owned and managed the theater since 1985 he opened his theater during what many call the ‘golden age of cinema theo as he is referred to by his peers fondly recalls the screening of movie classics like the breakfast club and back to the future ticket prices were set at four dollars when the theater opened students began to flock to cinemark theo says you would have thought we were herding cattle the way those kids came to see movies back then the theater has stood the test of time as cinemark has become the destination of choice for students looking to watch the newest films though the theater has seen several renovations and expansions two things remain from cinemarks 1985 openingtheos passion for great films and the ticket prices the latter has been a huge selling point for the theater students coming from the dallas and houston areas are consistently surprised when they learn that college station ticket prices are less than half of their urban competitors this was a fact that theo was oblivious to until his conversation with mr panesar impressed by the affordability of the tickets raj asked a cinemark employee to speak with the manager he told theo how he had to pay upwards of twelve dollars to see movies back in his hometown of plano theo was floored the thought that people would raise the prices of tickets disgusted him how could any god-fearing and movie-going man completely screw over his customers by raising prices he wondered theo explained people kept showing up to see movies in the 80s for four bucks so hell im gonna keep charging four bucks panesar patted the manager on the shoulder tussled his hair and began to explain the concept of inflation theo could not believe that the same ticket from 1985 should be selling for about nine dollars today i guess that explains gas prices… theo said mr allen is firm in his decision to keep prices at four dollars the movies are about transporting you to different places he says in this case theo wants movie goers to be transported to a time when the brat pack reigned leg warmers were still in fashion and students could afford to buy a movie ticket when asked about the decision raj said that man just seems to be preoccupied with 1985 but who am i to complain… cheap movies as of press time the manager has decided to teach himself excel to replace his collection of sticky notes he had been recording business transactions on for the past 30 years
the current single story panda express in the memorial student center orange chicken looks to take over the maroon landscape chartwells – the company that oversees texas a&m on-campus dining – has just confirmed that panda express will expand to become the first ‘mega panda after constant complaints from students of massive lines and lack of seating chartwells approached university administrators with the idea of installing a mega panda in the msc in panda express franchise terms a ‘mega panda is a 3-story panda express capable of serving hundreds of guests every hour until now a ‘mega panda has never actually been built panda officials and administrators agreed that it was only fitting the first mega panda should be installed in the student center of one of the largest universities in the nation the mega panda will expand and replace most eating venues in the memorial student center the entire lower level first floor cafeteria area and second floor meeting rooms and art galleries will be connected via elevators and escalators to form the mega panda students will find two complete panda expresses on each floor as well as fortune cookie dispensers at every exit a vip room on the second floor will feature an all-you-can-eat orange chicken counter with a $15 entrance fee construction on the mega panda is set to begin late this spring and finish by the return of fall semester students seem eager for this new development one a&m student was quoted saying this is such a great move for the school and the students although adjusting to construction may be a new and unexpected challenge for us chartwells says that panda will still only operate on one register –buffalo bill sbisa cookie
wehner high school the college station football scene just got a little more interesting wehner high school will be holding tryouts for their new football program which will begin play in september in aaa division ii wehner high was established in 1961 and has been consistently known for their academic program athletics have of course been a part of the wehner landscape since its founding but only in the form of intramurals wehner has consistently fielded a handful of intramural football teams but it became clear that students were looking for something more many participants complained about how schools like college station high school and a&m consolidated had the opportunity to play competitive football and wehner high did not school administrators had been reached out to on multiple occasions and cited budgetary issues as the reason for their decision not to allow uil athletics fortunately the students had an advocate in teacher and former military leader lance morganstein known around wehner high only as the general morganstein was exactly the kind of man to empower this historic decision students recall seeing morganstein at many of their intramural gamesstoically glaring and only speaking to remind the players that his mother throws better than [they] do it wasnt until sophomore quarterback bryce richards confronted the general after the game that morganstein admitted that he was tired of seeing so much wasted potential from the students of wehner that was two years ago since that fateful conversation general morganstein and richards a senior now have worked diligently to help wehner field the schools first uil recognized athletic team wehner administrators were able to fund the program by cutting their accounting department it is clear however that the team will still be facing an uphill battle students insisted that they wear boat shoes in lieu of cleats to save money the general who will also be head coach for the 2014 season decided to allow the footwear but remained firm in his decision to not let them wear polos instead of jerseys a name has not been decided on at press time but warriors and frat-stars seem to be leading contenders tryouts will be held march 30th in that huge patch of grass between wehner high and the library on campus students are asked to bring an id and their game face