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1brlb3

An Italian, An Irishman and a Chinese fellow.

Hopefully not posted earlier. An Italian, an Irishman and a Chinese fellow are hired at a construction site. The foreman points out a huge pile of sand and says to the Italian guy, “You’re in charge of sweeping.” He then jabs a thin finger at the Irishman, “You’re in charge of digging.” Finally, he turns to the Chinaman, “And you’re in charge of supplies. Now, I have to leave for a little while. I expect you guys to make a dent in that pile.” Two hours later, the foreman returns to find the pile of sand untouched, and the Italian and Irishman standing nearby. “Why didn’t you touch it?” he says. The Italian looks at him. “We didn’t have a broom or shovel. You said the Chinese guy was in charge of supplies, but he disappeared and we couldn’t find him.” Annoyed, the foreman storms off to find the errant Oriental. Just then, the Chinaman leaps from behind the sand and yells “Supplies!”

1brfn6

What's my favorite Jewish star wars character?

Jewbacca

1brinu

Who's bigger- Mister Bigger or Mister Bigger's baby?

Well, Mister Bigger's baby's a just little bigger.

1brht0

Doctors convention.

There's a bunch of doctors gathered together at a doctor's convention one night. A male doctor notices a female doctor from across the room. The female doctor notices also and the next thing you know, they're sitting next to each other by the end of dinner. After dinner, the male asks the woman if she wants to go up to his hotel room. ''Sure,'' the woman says. ''Let me go wash my hands first.'' After she washes her hands, they have sex. After they are finished, she washes her hands again. This is really starting to annoy the male doctor so he says, ''You know, you must be a surgeon, because you keep washing your hands.'' Angry at this remark, the woman says, ''Well, you must be an anasthesiologist, because I didn't feel a thing!''

1brh3d

Why did the guitarist get arrested?

For fingering A Minor

1brgtz

Here's one you might know...

There once was a man from Peru who dreamed he was eating his shoe he woke with a fright in the middle of the night to find that his dream had come true.

1breye

What's the difference between a drum, a woman, and a blowjob?

You can beat a drum. And you can beat a woman. But you can't beat a blowjob.

1br8m4

Cats and ladders

A fire-fighter was working on the engine outside the station, when he noticed a little girl in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the sides and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle. The girl was wearing a fire-fighter's helmet. The wagon was being pulled by her dog and her cat. The fire-fighter walked over to take a closer look. "That sure is a nice fire truck," he said with admiration. "Thanks," the girl replied. The fire-fighter looked a little closer. The girl had tied the wagon to her dog's collar and to the cat's testicles. "Little partner," the fire-fighter said, "I don't want to tell you how to run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I think you could go faster." The little girl replied thoughtfully, "You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a siren."

1br81p

A farmer's bull isn't inseminating his cows

A owner of a small town bank was at work one morning when a farmer walks into the bank and request a loan for a breeder bull (as he have many heifers that he needs to inseminate). The owner of the bank agrees to loan him the money under the condition that the farmer will keep him informed on the progress of the insemination. Well several weeks go by and the farmer calls into the bank to inform the owner that the bull is very healthy but just won't get down to business with the cows. Well the banker, worried about his investment, tell the farmer he better call the veterinarian and see what needs to be done. A few weeks go by and and the banker is having a slow day at work so he decides to take a trip out to the farm and check on this farmer. When he gets to the farm he asked the farmer how the bull was doing and the farmer say "oh ya that bull is doing great! It inseminated all of my cows and heifers, then actually broke down the part of the fence and went and indeterminate all of my neighbors cows as well!" The shocked bank owner then asked him what the medicine the veterinarian gave him. The farmer replied, "I don't know but it taste like bubble gum!"

1br51f

So I was walking through rural Georgia when...

...I passed a little lady with white hair and deep wrinkles sitting on her front porch who waved to me. I decided to amble up, say hello, and see if I could determine the secret to her longevity. She told me her name was Ida and that she'd lived in this house her whole life, just as her parents and grandparents had. I asked her what she ate on an average day, and she told me: "Every morning when I wake up, I eat a breakfast of half a pound of bacon, four eggs fried in the bacon lard, hash browned potatoes, and cheese grits. Lunch, I mostly have chicken-fried steak smothered in sausage gravy, and for dinner I like to have BBQ rack of ribs with some apple cobbler for dessert." "Wow, that's quite an appetite. Do you drink alcohol?" "Hell yeah. I have a six pack when I wake up, a fifth of whiskey in the afternoon, and a few bottles of moonshine after the sun goes down, then a shot of blackberry brandy before bed to settle my nerves." "How about smoking?" "Well, I'm down to two packs a day now. I smoke reefer on the weekends, and like a cigar with my brandy before bed." I was bowled over. "Amazing, Ida, I've never met anyone like you where I'm from. Can I ask exactly how old you are?" "Sure, I'm twenty-nine."

1bqy8t

What does a vegan zombie eat?

GRAAAIIINNNSSS!!!!

1br2nh

Friday Update - Jokes for the week of 3/30-4/5

A $338million Powerball winner paid $30,000 in back child support while laughing and laughing and laughing. A thief attempting to steal an ivory tusk from a museum failed on Saturday, but how he failed exactly is irrelephant. March Madness has come and gone, so see a doctor if you have a basketball erection lasting more than four hours. A Zumba instructor in Maine has been found guilty of prostitution, though her plea deal has moved her from Insanity to regular P90X. Vermont police are on the search for a missing Sasquatch statue. The search began by questioning all local shotgun-wielding redneck statues. Arianna Huffington is being sued over alleged damages to a loft she rented in Chelsea. See also huffpo.com/55-bikini-Babes-named-Chelsea. An NRA plan to arm adults in schools really just sounds like a shot in the dark. A Seattle Easter egg hunt broke out into a fistfight, reminding us all the true reason for the season; violent murder. An Easter bunny was pulled over on a motorcycle Sunday for not wearing a helmet. Hippity, hoppity, massive brain trauma's on its way. Pat Robertson has stated that more educated people experience miracles less often, but not everyone defines toaster strudels as miracles. Former Atlanta school chief was caught cheating on state tests for more funding. She was caught when no students ended an essay with #yolo. An Arkansas oil pipeline rupture spilled over 12,000 barrels of oil. "We're rich!" screamed the local, dying wildlife. Philadelphia hired mimes on Monday to encourage driving safety. The experiment was cut short when an invisible wall stopped all traffic. A Brazilian woman was nearly killed by a train after jumping to the tracks to retrieve her cell phone. "So close," said Darwin. An April Fools day prank claimed a Virginia Waffle House had been robbed. Local police scattered, smothered, and covered the area. A man using a tree as target practice took a ricocheted bullet to an unspecified body part. "Yeah, how you like us now, bitch?" - The Lorax A German cold snap killed 300 performing fleas. Thankfully, the Germans who enjoy a flea circus were equally entertained by more drinking. Detroit airport shut down for two hours Monday when a passenger was spotted with something unusual for Detroit; steady employment and hope. A Herr's potato chip truck was stolen outside a Philly convenience store. Charlie Day is suspected to have cut the brakes. WILDCARD BITCHES! All based on real news from this week. See more @FridayUpdate on twitter.

1br16v

STDs are like sweets....

I enjoy giving them to little children

1bqvz2

wanna hear a pizza joke?

....nevermind its too cheesy

1br0ss

So you like limericks, huh?

On the Breast of a woman named Gale was tattooed the price of her tail and on her behind for the sake of the blind was the same information in braile.

1bqzf7

I time-travel quite frequently, ...

I'd go to bed around midnight, and in few seconds I'd wake up to, lo and behold, 9 AM.

1bqytf

If you're getting annoyed, you might throw up your hands out of frustration.

If you're a cannibal, you might throw up someone else's hands out of your stomach.

1bqwyi

Why can't Stephen Hawking dance?

Because he's white.

1bqvxn

Someone threw an egg at me, I wasn't able to dodge it.

It was un-ovoid-able. =(

1bqqa0

Why is North Korea going fail against America?

They lack the element of supplies

1bquc5

What do a Catholic Priest and second place have in common?

They both came in a little behind.

1bqr7f

You may not be aware of it, but NASA conducted an experiment during the Apollo mission days.

They launched a collection of cows into orbit on a prototype rocket. It was a herd shot round the world.

1bqquh

Tennis Elbow

One day Bill complained to his friend, "My elbow really hurts, I guess I should see a doctor." His friend said, "Don't do that. There's a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor. Just put in a sample of your urine and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it. It only costs ten dollars." Bill figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing. After a brief pause out popped a small slip of paper on which was printed: You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water. Avoid heavy lifting. It will be better in two weeks. Late that evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this machine could be fooled. He decided to give it a try. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, and urine samples from his wife and daughter. And to top it off, he masturbated into the concoction. He went back to the drug store, located the machine, poured in the sample, and deposited the $10. The computer made the usual noise and printed out the following message: Your tap water is too hard. You need to get a water softener. Your dog has worms. You need to get him to a vet. Your daughter is using cocaine. You need to put her in rehab. Your wife is pregnant with twin girls. They aren't yours. You need to get a lawyer. And if you don't stop jerking off, you're never going to fix that Tennis Elbow.

1bqokb

Say what you want about the Aztecs....

... but they have alot of heart. (i'm not funny)

1bqmle

A woman lights a cigarette after intercourse

"Do you ever smoke after sex?" she asks her husband. "I've never checked."

1bqm9z

What do you call a book club that's been stuck on the same book for thousands of years?

Church.

1bqise

One my Dad used to tell, not sure if it's well known.

A local bum, for the laugh, wanders into a catholic church during mass one day, shouting "I'm Jesus Christ! I'm Jesus Christ!" The priest tells the altar boys to give him a fiver, get rid of him. The bum thinks 'this is fantastic, off to the church of Ireland next!' Once again, he staggers in, slurring "I'm Jesus Christ, I'm Jesus Christ! Son of god!" He gets another fiver from the reverend and off he goes. Tipping into the local synagogue, he tries the same trick. The rabbi squints at him and says "lads, get three nails and a hammer. We've had trouble with this lad before."

1bqi9l

I love having sex on a camping trip...

It's fucking intents

1bqhda

Did you hear about the deformed linebacker?

He had 4 sacks.

1bqgho

Chuck Norris doesn't dial the wrong number.

You pick up the wrong phone.

1bqes6

Ryanair's Micheal O'Leary arrives in a hotel bar...

Ryanair's Micheal O'Leary arrives in a hotel in Dublin, he goes to the bar and asks for a pint of draught Guinness. The barman nodded and said, "That will be one Euro please, Mr. O'Leary." Somewhat taken aback, O'Leary replied, "That's very cheap," and handed over his money. "Well, we try to stay ahead of the competition", said the barman. "And we are serving free pints every Wednesday evening from 6 until 8. We have the cheapest beer in Ireland" "That is remarkable value" Michael comments. "I see you don't seem to have a glass, so you'll probably need one of ours. That will be 3 euro please. O'Leary scowled, but paid up. He took his drink and walked towards a seat. "Ah, you want to sit down?" said the barman. "That'll be an extra 2 euro. - You could have pre-book the seat, and it would have only cost you a Euro." "I think you may to be too big for the seat sir, can I ask you to sit in this frame please" Michael attempts to sit down but the frame is too small and when he can't squeeze in he complains "Nobody would fit in that little frame". "I'm afraid if you can't fit in the frame you'll have to pay an extra surcharge of €4.00 for your seat sir". O'Leary swore to himself, but paid up. "I see that you have brought your laptop with you" added the barman. "And since that wasn't pre-booked either, that will be another 3 euro." O'Leary was so annoyed that he walked back to the bar, slammed his drink on the counter, and yelled, "This is ridiculous, I want to speak to the manager". "Ah, I see you want to use the counter," says the barman, "that will be 2 euro please." O'Leary's face was red with rage. "Do you know who I am?" "Of course I do Mr. O'Leary," "I've had enough, What sort of Hotel is this? I come in for a quiet drink and you treat me like this. I insist on speaking to a manager!" "Here is his E mail address, or if you wish, you can contact him between 9 and 9.10 every morning, Monday to Tuesday at this free phone number. Calls are free, until they are answered, then there is a talking charge of only 10 cent per second" "I will never use this bar again". "OK sir, but remember, we are the only hotel in Ireland selling pints for one Euro".

1bqcug

Two girls on the balcony

There were two girls on a balcony, one of them is a good girl the other is evil. Both of them spit on people walking by. The evil girl hit 3 people, the good - 7. Moral of the story: Good always defeats evil!

1bqc6a

I almost killed my whole family

I almost killed my whole family last night, but eventually chose not to let my wife drive.

1bqawn

Actual advice Mallard in a recent interview denounced his internet fame.

It was quite a pro duck shun.

1bq8ta

What's the worst thing about being black and jewish?

Having to sit in the back of the oven.

1bq5zl

I got kicked out of the army yesterday. They called it a dishonorable discharge....

....i call it jizzing over the generals face whilst he was asleep.

1bq1im

What's the difference between America and yoghurt?

Yoghurt has culture

1bpy2x

They say blondes have the most fun

They also say ignorance is bliss.

1bpzxq

Tricking a nun.

A hippie gets onto a bus and sits next to a nun in the front seat. The hippie looks over and asks the nun if she would have sex with him. The nun, surprised by the question, politely declines and gets off at the next stop. When the bus starts again, the bus driver says to the hippie, "If you want, I can tell you how you can get that nun to have sex with you." The hippie of course says that he'd love to know, so the bus driver tells him that every Tuesday evening at midnight the nun goes to the cemetery to pray to the lord. "If you went dressed in robes and some glowing powder," says the bus driver, "You could tell her you were God and command her to have sex with you." The hippie decides to try this out. That Tuesday, he goes to the cemetery and waits for the nun. Right on schedule, the nun shows up. While she's in the middle of praying, the hippie walks out from hiding, in robes and glowing with a mask of god. "I am God, I have heard your prayers and I will answer them but you must have sex with me first," he says. The nun agrees but asks for anal sex so she might keep her virginity. The hippie agrees to this and quickly sets about having sex with the nun. After the hippie finishes, he rips off his mask and shouts out, "Ha ha, I'm the hippie! " The nun replies by whipping off her mask and shouting, "Ha ha, I'm the bus driver!"

1bpwni

There are two fish in a tank,

one says to the other "do you know how to drive this thing"

1bpwle

Stolen from 1946...

A doctor sold a man a wooden leg on credit. The leg walked so well that the man skipped town, leaving the doctor out on a limb. [source](http://www.flickr.com/photos/metrolibraryarchive/8100207680/sizes/k/in/set-72157631799145979/)

1bpt1t

What's funnier than a dead baby?

A dead baby sitting next to a kid with down syndrome.

1bpqod

What do you call a computer that sings?

A Dell.

1bpl65

How many debutants can you fit in ballroom at the Waldorf Astoria? [OC]

Like, a cotillion of 'em.

1bpk74

Gricean Maxims

A little boy returning home from his first day at school said to his mother, "Mum, what's sex?" His mother, who believed in all the most modern educational theories, gave him a detailed explanation, covering all aspects of the tricky subject. When she had finished, the little lad produced an enrollment form which he had brought home from school and said, "Wow....but how am I going to get all that into this one little square?"

1bpleu

A pregnant lady is sitting at a bus stop...

A guy walks up and asks, "what are you expecting?" The girl replies the obvious, "the bus." The man turns to his friend and whispers, "dude, I think she screwed a transformer!"

1bpk06

Why did the soda can quit its job at the vending machine?

It was soda pressing.

1bpjsb

Kiss me

"A male engineering student was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, “If you kiss me, I’ll turn into a beautiful princess.” He bent over, picked up the frog, and put it in his pocket. The frog spoke up again and said, “If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week.” The engineering student took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it; and returned it to his pocket. The frog then cried out, “If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I’ll stay with you and do ANYTHING you want.” Again the boy took the frog out, smiled at it, and put it back into his pocket. Finally, the frog asked, “What is the matter? I’ve told you I’m a beautiful princess, that I’ll stay with you for a week and do anything you want. Why won’t you kiss me?” The boy said, “Look I’m an engineer. I don’t have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog is cool."

1bpgo5

I'm from the southern US, is it OK to poke fun at myself?

Why don't schools in the south teach Driver's Ed and Sex Ed on same day? Too hard on the mule.

1bpgc0

Did you hear about the Mexican Criminal trio?

They got away from the scene without a tres.

1bpf41

Two peanuts are walking down the street...

one's assaulted.

1bpe9k

Friend: what has teeth and holds back the Incredible Hulk?

Friend: my zipper Me: so what you are saying is your dick turns green when you get a boner?

1bpcdt

So there are three couples.

Three couples—one elderly, one middle-aged, one young and newly wed—apply for membership in a church. The pastor informs them that the requirement for new parishioners is that they abstain from sex for two weeks. The couples agree and go their separate ways. After two weeks, they return. The pastor asks the elderly pair if they were able to abstain for two weeks. "No problem at all, Pastor," replies the old man. "Congratulations!" says the pastor. "Welcome to the church." He turns to the middle-aged couple and asks if they were able to abstain for two weeks. "It was difficult," replies the husband. "By the end of the second week, I had to sleep on the couch, but we did it." "Congratulations on overcoming temptation," says the pastor. "Welcome to the church." He then turns to the newlyweds and asks if they were able to abstain for two weeks. "At first it was no problem," says the husband. "But one day my wife was reaching for a can of corn on the top shelf, and she dropped it. When she bent over to pick it up, I was overcome with lust and took advantage of her right there." "You understand, of course, that this means you will not be welcome in our church," says the pastor. "We know," says the young man. "We’re not welcome at the supermarket anymore either."

1bpc7z

The man who invented the "VELCRO" died today....

...RIP.

1bp6b2

My review of Ebert's latest venture:

I give it 6 feet down

1bp2cw

Why can't you hear a pterodactyl go to the bathroom?

Because the P is silent.

1box9v

How many hipsters does it take to change a lightbulb...

It's quite an obscure number you probably would not have heard of it.

1box3m

How can you make your d bigger?

CAPS LOCK

1bowv6

How many hipsters does it take to change a light bulb?

You mean you don't know?!

1boszc

A black man and a Mexican are in a car, who is driving?

The cop

1bomcp

Since we're posting dirty limericks now.....

There once was a man from St. Lou Who gave his dear sister a screw. He said with aplomb: "You're better than Mom." Said she: "That's what Dad told me too." ----- Told to me by /u/hasseth

1bognt

Molly the Camel

A new Army Captain was assigned to an outfit in a remote post in the Afghan Desert. During his first inspection of the outfit, he noticed a camel hitched up behind the mess tent. He asked the Sergeant why the camel was kept there. The nervous sergeant said, ‘Sir, as you know, there are 250 men here on the post and no women. Sometimes the men have urges. That’s why we have Molly The Camel. The Captain said, ‘I can’t say that I condone this, but I can understand about the ‘urges’, so the camel can stay.’ About a month later, the Captain starts having his own ‘urges’. Crazed with passion, he asked the Sergeant to bring the camel to his tent. Putting a ladder behind the camel, the Captain stands on the ladder, pulls his pants down and has wild and insane sex with the camel. When he’s done, he asked the Sergeant, ‘Is that how the men do it?’ ‘No sir. They usually just ride the camel into town. That’s where the girls are.’

1bof7o

I saw two blind people on campus today

One of them walks by the same spot every day at 1:20. I've never seen the other one before. I don't think she's seen me either... or ever will.

1bo1za

Nun at the Airport

I have a relatively common name as my gmail address and got this one as an email forward from a total stranger: A nun was sitting at the airport, waiting for her flight to Chicago. She looked over in the corner and saw one of those weight machines that tells your fortune and thought to herself, 'I'll give it a try and see what it tells me.' She went over to the machine, stepped up on the scale and put her nickel in, out came a card that read, 'You are a nun, you weigh 128 lbs, and you are going to Chicago ' The nun sat back down. She told herself that the machine probably gives the same card to everyone. The more she thought about it the more curious she got so she decided to try it again she went back to the machine and again put her nickel in, and out came a card that read: 'You are a nun, you weigh 128 lbs, you are going to Chicago and you are going to play a fiddle.' The nun says to herself, 'I know that is wrong. I have never played a musical instrument even once in my life.' she sat back down. From out of nowhere a cowboy came over and sat down, putting his fiddle case on the seat between them. Without thinking, she opened the cowboy's case, took out the fiddle, and started playing beautiful music. Surprised at what she had done, she looked over at the machine, thinking, 'this is incredible, I've got to try this again.' Back to the machine she went, put in another nickel, and another card came out. It read, 'You are a nun, you weigh 128 lbs, you are going to chicago, and you are going to break wind.' Now she knows the machine is wrong, she thought to herself, 'iIve never broken wind in public a single time in my life.' But getting down off the machine she slipped, and as she was straining to keep herself from falling to the floor, she broke wind. Absolutely stunned, she sat back down and looked at the machine. She said to herself, 'This is truly remarkable. I've got to try this again.' She went back to the machine,put in another nickel and another card came out. It read: 'You are a nun, you weigh 128 lbs, you have fiddled and farted around and missed your flight to Chicago'

1bnvbl

Horrible driving.

A man and his young son are out driving. The son feels a bump and asks what it was because he's too small to see out of the windows. Dad: 'Just a bird, son.' After a while the car experiences another, larger bump but the dad keeps going. Son: 'What was that, dad?' Dad: 'A fox, son.' More time passes, then all of a sudden the car is shook by three bumps in quick succession, one of them much louder than the others, yet the dad drives on. Son: 'Dad?' Dad: 'Just a paki, son.' The boy contemplates his dad's words for some time. Son: 'Why was there three bumps, dad?' Dad: 'Well, I had to go up on the pavement to get him.'

1bns3g

How many computer programmers does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Oh, wait. That's a hardware problem. [source](http://nerdfighteria.info/video/54/Zrnd63DAH8o)

1bnqyc

A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 10 lb. weight loss program.

A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 10 lb. weight loss program. The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck. She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads, "If you can catch me, you can have me." Without a second thought, he takes off after her. A few miles later huffing and puffing, he finally gives up. The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing happens. On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 10 lbs. as promised. He calls the company and orders their 5-day/20 pound program. The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life. She is wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, "If you catch me you can have me". Well, he's out the door after her like a shot. This girl is in excellent shape and he does his best, but no such luck. So for the next four days, the same routine happens with him gradually getting in better and better shape. Much to his delight on the fifth day when he weighs himself, he discovers that he has lost another 20 lbs. as promised. He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day/50 pound program "Are you sure?" asks the representative on the phone. "This is our most rigorous program." "Absolutely," he replies, "I haven't felt this good in years." The next day there's a knock at the door; and when he opens it he finds a huge muscular guy standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads, "If I catch you, your ass is mine." He lost 63 pounds that week

1bnp49

This woman stumbled upon something called "magic underwear"...

... She asked the manager, "What's magic about them?" The man replied, "Well, if you wear it, you won't get pregnant!" The woman bought the underwear but came back a few weeks later. "You said that I won't get pregnant! It doesn't even work!" The woman lashed out at the manager. The manager said to her, "Of course it does, miss." "Then explain to me why I'm pregnant." The manager simply replied, "Did you take it off?"

1bnicz

The thing about penis jokes is..

they tend to grow on you.

1bnehi

Three engineering students.

Three engineering students were gathered together discussing the possible designers of the human body. One said, "It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints." Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections." The last said, "Actually it was a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?"

1bncf1

baptism in a nutshell

So a jewish guy name shlomo wants to become christian, so he goes to the local church and asks the priest there to make him christian. so the priest starts ipping his head in the holy water and says "your name is not shlomo it is john." and he repeats it a bunch of times, and finally says "you are now a christian." ok, all fine and dandy. it's the week of easter, and "john" sees he cant have any meat. so he goes to the shop looking for fish instead, but doesnt find any, so he buys some beef instead. the priest sees him walking home with the beef, and the next sunday when john went to church, after whatever christians do (i'm jewish, i dont know what you guys call your prayer system), the priest asks him "john, why did you have beef during easter? we dont eat meat on easter." so john answers, "oh, no, it's fine. i took a bowl of water, and started dipping the meat, saying: "this is not beef, it's salmon." "this is not beef, it's salmon." "this is not beef, it's salmon."

1bnag9

If I had a nickel for every existential crisis I've ever had..

Does money even matter ?

1bnafe

A woman runs into a Police Station

A woman runs into a police station and shouts 'I've been graped! I've been graped!' The Policeman on duty says 'Ma'am, do you mean raped?' The woman replies 'No, there was a bunch of 'em'

1bn9l8

What do women and computers have in common?

You only learn to appreciate them when they go down on you for the first time.

1bn5tq

Texas A&M offers a new degree!

In recent news, Texas A&M has decided to drop its Liberal Arts degree in favor of a "Conservative Arts" program. This unprecedented academic reform comes at the behest of parents who are concerned about what their children are learning at the school. One parent is quoted as saying, "We thought we'd taught our kids all they needed to know to become adults. They were good kids, you know? They went to church every Sunday, they did their homework, believed in the values of hard work and pulling yourself up by their bootstrap. Then they went off to college, and we weren't impressed. John came home talking about drug and prison reform, and Mary got seriously into feminism! Since they both graduated with Liberal Arts degrees, we figured that's what did it." Another parent stated, "My kid went off to school and came home asking why it's wrong for the government to get into my gun safe, but not wrong for it to be in people's bedrooms! Started talkin' about how gay people are entitled to marriage too! It's bull****! The Bible says Adam and EVE, not Adam and STEVE!" We'll have more to report as this story continues to develop.

1bn8t8

Two Friends in a car...

are driving through a forest road around 9pm when they suddenly run out of fuel. The two have no cell phone reception so they cannot call for assistance and looking at the map the nearest gas station is 10 miles away. The two decide to head towards the station and the one who was driving remembers having a tent in the trunk which they can use to spend the night. So at around midnight the two decide to stop, walk a bit into the forest, set-up the tent, and call it a night. As the sun rises one of the friends wakes up the other, "Man, wake up. What do you see?"he asks, to which his friend replies, "I see the morning dew, birds flying about, and the sun just barely above the horizon, it's quite beautiful". The friend looking quite irritated at this response smacks the other to which the man responds, "What the hell was that for?" The other man looks at him and says, "God you're a moron, you didn't notice that someone stole our tent."

1bn7pm

Never trust a mathematician with a graph.

They're always plotting something.

1bn7ev

Three old women were sitting on a bench in the park...

chatting when a man wearing a trench coat approached and flashed them. The first woman instantly had a stroke, as did the second. The third one couldn't quite reach.

1bn6cu

Three World Records

Three guys are sitting at a table. The first man claims that he has the smallest head in the world. The second man claims that he has the smallest arms in the world. The third man claims that he has the smallest penis in the world. The three men decided to confirm their records and went down Guinness World Records to find out. The first man comes out and says "What do ya know, I really do have the smallest head in the world" The second man comes out and exclaims "Wow, my arms really are the smallest in the world" The third man comes out and shouts "WHO THE FUCK IS JUSTIN BIEBER!?"

1bn69v

what is awesome and witty?

heres a hint, join the two words and put a jew in there

1bn5lc

Did you hear about the basketball tournament in Mexico?

Its Juan vs. Juan

1bn4ea

My Favorite Limerick

There once was a fellow McSweeney Who put some gin on his weenie Just to be couth He added vermouth And slipped his girlfriend a martini

1bn41v

Can we start a Rihanna joke thread?

Or did Chris Brown beat her to the punch?

1bn2sv

I was going to buy some classical CDs...

But it turns out I'm baroque.

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I phoned my wife today and said...

"Pack a bag dear, I've booked us into a hotel for a few nights." "Ooh, why's that?" she asked. I said, "Well I've been playing poker all day, havent I!" "Really?" she asked again in excitement, "How much have you won?" "Nothing," I replied. "I've lost the house."

1bmvrl

What came first the Chicken or the Egg?

A chicken and an egg are lying in bed. The chicken takes out a cigarette and begins to smoke. The egg, pissed off, takes one look at the chicken, rolls over and pulls the blanket over him and says, "I guess we answered that question!"

1bmuz1

Why did the Dick go to the 7-11?

To get a Slurpee!

1bms18

How many tickles does it take to make an octopus ink

Tentickles

1bmrlf

Why doesn't Rihanna tell her boyfriend jokes anymore?

He always beats her to the punchline.

1bmmvf

Harold in the Nursing Home. This is my grandma's favourite joke.

Disclaimer: I just heard this joke today, so I apologize if this is old news for some of you. Harold is 95 and lives in a Senior Citizen Home. Every night after dinner, Harold goes to a secluded garden behind the Centre to sit and ponder his accomplishments and long life. One evening, Mildred, age 87, wanders into the garden. They begin to chat and before they know it, several hours have passed. After a short lull in their conversation, Harold turns to Mildred and asks, "Do you know what I miss most of all?" Sex!" Mildred exclaims, "Why you old fart! You couldn't get it up if I held a gun to your head!" "I know," Harold says, "but it would be nice if a woman could just hold it for a while." "Well, I can oblige," says Mildred, who unzips his trousers, removes his manhood and proceeds to hold it. Afterward, they agree to meet secretly each night in the garden where they would sit and talk and Mildred would hold Harold's manhood. Then one night, Harold didn't show up at their usual meeting place. Alarmed, Mildred decided to find Harold to make sure that he was okay. She walked around the Senior Citizen Home. She found him sitting by the pool with Ethel, another female resident, who was holding Harold's manhood. Furious, Mildred yelled, "You two-timing son of a bitch! What does Ethel have that I don't have?" Old Harold smiled happily and replied, "Parkinson's."

1bmkyz

A boy asks his dad for help on a school project...

The dad asks him what the project is on. "It's about real versus virtual." The boy replies. The dad thinks for a second, then asks his son to follow him. The dad approaches the little boy's mother and asks her, "Honey, if you were given $1 million, would you have sex with the neighbor?" The wife thinks for a few seconds, then says yes she would. The dad smiles and nods, then walks away calling his son to follow. "Dad, I don't get it, what does that have to do with anything?" The dad smiles at his son and keeps walking. He approaches his daughter next and asks her, "Sweetie, would you have sex with the neighbor for $1 million?" The daughter replies without hesitation that she would. The dad and his boy walk out of the room, and he kneels down next to his son. The boy looks confusedly at his dad and says he still doesn't get it. The dad says, "You see, *virtually*, we have $1,000,000, but in reality, we're just living with two whores."

1bmjp5

What do you call a quadriplegic laying on the floor?

Matt.

1bmibz

A new joke really racist.

Jews are so weak,that the only way for them to be fast is to inject them with salmon water.And they are so cheap that they think 1 penny is like 5 million dollars.

1bmfir

What's the difference between a whore and a mosquito?

A mosquito stops sucking after it's slapped

1bmeml

What did the groundhog's trainer tell him before the Olympics?

Gopher gold.

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Eating spicy food is like expressing your love to someone who has no interest in you...

you always get burned in the end.

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A boy and his female roommate

A Mom visits her son for dinner who lives with a girl roommate. During the course of the meal, his mother couldn't help but notice how pretty his roommate was.She had long been suspicious of a relationship between the two, and this had only made her more curious.... Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between him and his roommate than met the eye. Reading his mom's thoughts, his son volunteered, “I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you,we are just roommates." About a week later, his roommate came to him saying, “Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the silver plate. You don't suppose she took it, do you?" He said ,"Well, I doubt it, but I'll email her, just to be sure." He sat down and wrote : Dear Mother: I'm not saying that you ‘did' take the silver plate from my house, I'm not saying that you ‘did not' take the silver plate But the fact remains that it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner. Love, your son. Several days later, he received an email from his Mother which read: Dear Son: I'm not saying that you ‘do' sleep with your roommate, and I'm not saying that you ‘do not' sleep with her. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her OWN bed, she would have found the silver plate by now, under her pillow… Love, Mom.

1bm3h5

Someone told me Harrison Ford is part Jewish.

So it's fair to say, "Han hammered first."

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I always eat what's put in front of me...

...and that's why I'm no longer allowed to be a gynaecologist.

1blvfi

Helium walks into a bar...

...and the bartender says to him, "We don't serve Noble gasses here!". Helium... doesn't react.