Datasets:

kuldin

/

english_jokes

like 0

1blxgv

What did they find in the toilet of the Starship Enterprise?

The Captain's Log.

1blwwy

A Mom visits her son for dinner who lives with a girl roommate.....

During the course of the meal, his mother couldn't help but notice how pretty his roommate was.She had long been suspicious of a relationship between the two, and this had only made her more curious.... Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between him and his roommate than met the eye. Reading his mom's thoughts, his son volunteered, “I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you,we are just roommates." About a week later, his roommate came to him saying, “Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the silver plate. You don't suppose she took it, do you?" He said ,"Well, I doubt it, but I'll email her, just to be sure." He sat down and wrote : Dear Mother: I'm not saying that you ‘did' take the silver plate from my house, I'm not saying that you ‘did not' take the silver plate But the fact remains that it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner. Love, your son. Several days later, he received an email from his Mother which read: Dear Son: I'm not saying that you ‘do' sleep with your roommate, and I'm not saying that you ‘do not' sleep with her. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her OWN bed, she would have found the silver plate by now, under her pillow… Love, Mom.

1blryu

What's Irish and stays out all night?

Paddy O'Furniture.

1blqxx

What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball?

Juan on Juan

1bln5v

Difference between computers and woman

Unlike computers a woman will reject a 3 1/2 inch floppy.

1blj47

A Little Head

A man walks into a bar and notices the gentleman next to him has a very small head. After a few beers, he finally asks the gentleman, "Pardon me, but why is your head so small?". The man began to explain how he was in the Navy and after his ship was struck by a torpedo, and he was stuck on a deserted island for months. "One day," he said "A mermaid magically appeared. She said she could grant any wish I had. I asked to be rescued, and off in the horizon, I saw a coast guard ship heading towards me. I then proceeded to explain how long I had been stuck on the island and asked her for some sex before being rescued. She explained that it was impossible since she was a mermaid. So instead, I asked her for a little head."

1blel3

Didn't realize how bad it had gotten...

The officiating in the NBA is so bad that at the end of last night's Knicks/Heat game the Lakers were declared the winner by 20 points.

1bldpq

When I first meet someone I always want to talk about that movie with Kate Winslet and Leonardo DiCaprio...

but the Titanic is a terrible ice breaker.

1bldpp

Showed pics of my old oven at the thrift store to ask for a good price, owner said ' Hell no, I am not making that mistake again..'

'I married my wife seeing a photo and I am still suffering for it! (Indian guy)

1bl7hq

Does Snoop Dog wear and apron when he cooks?

Yes, for sizzles. Edit: Snoop Lion

1bl4s6

What's the difference between a fat girl and model?

The black guy doesn't give a shit

1bl13z

If there are three gay guys in a bath and a lump of cum floats to the surface, what do they say?

Who farted?

1bl10l

An ex-girlfriend called me the other day...

She said that she was going through a drought, and suggested getting back together for some sex sans emotional involvement. I was a little hesitant. I wasn`t sure if my self esteem was up for such a physical, yet shallow, relationship. I had also felt hurt when we broke up before. I knew this could be dangerous. I tried to talk my way out of it, telling her that I had starting losing my hair and got some wrinkles. But I was still intrigued by her offer. And I decided to hear her out. She started complimenting me on what a great lover I had been, and that she hadn`t been able to forget about me. I was about to agree to the arrangement, but first I let her know that I now had man boobs and a beer belly. She said she was fine with that, and even confessed that she had put on a couple of pounds herself. That`s when I hung up.

1bkzx7

My favourite Haiku

Space is limited In a haiku, so it's hard To finish what you

1bkysh

So I broke my Nokia today.

1bkxz4

What is a Cell?

something you keep black people in

1bkvgp

How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?

None. Let the bitch cook in the dark!!!

1bkvfd

I heard you were in to fitness...

well ima be fitness dick in your mouth in a second

1bkrfw

One fine lady

A woman walks in to a gynecologists office. he looks at her and all of his professionalism goes out the window cuz she is fiiiiiine. He asks her to undress and he then proceeds to touch her up on the inside of her legs. ’do you know what I'm doing?’ he asks her. ’Yes your checking for any broken or damaged skin.’ ’yes’ he replies. he then begins to fondle her tits, ’do you know what I'm doing now?’ he asks her. ’yes, your checking for any lumps that could be cancerous.’ ’yes’ he replied. then he mounted her and started having sex with her, ’do you know what I'm doing now?’ he asks her. ’yeh, your getting herpes, which is why I came to see you!’

1bkqip

You look really nice

So a man is at the bar by himself and he orderes a drink and sits down and after a while he hears "I like your tie" and he looks around and cant see anyone who could of possible said it. He goes back to drinking until he hears again "I love your hair", so he looks around again and still cant find anyone that was talking to him so once again he goes back to drinking until he hears "You look really nice" and finally he realises that the voice is coming from the nuts so asks the bartender "what's up with these nuts?" and he responds "Oh don't worry they're complimentry"

1bknic

Someone just threw sodium chloride at me.

It was a salt.

1bkl3a

How do you cut the Roman Empire in half?

With a pair of Caesars!

1bkfww

Science jokes

Thought i'd make a post compiling a few of my favourite science jokes. You can add your favourites in the comments below. Q: How many physicists does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A: Two. One to hold the lightbulb, and the other to rotate the universe around it. Q: What's the difference between a quantum mechanic and an automobile mechanic? A: The quantum mechanic doesn't have to open his garage door to get his car out. Werner Heisenberg is pulled over for speeding. The officer asks him "Do you know how fast you were going?. Heisenberg replies "No, but I know where I am."

1bkgqy

What was Hitler's last two words?

Oy Vey!

1bkg8v

Did you know that Harper Lee invented a cocktail?

It was the Tequila Mockingbird.

1bkde1

Bears in bars in Bristol

A bear walks into a bar in Bristol and sits down. He bangs on the bar with his paw and demands a beer. The bartender approaches and says, "We don't serve beer to bears in bars in Bristol." The bear, becoming angry, demands again that he be served a beer. The bartender tells him again, more forcefully, "We don't serve beer to belligerent bears in bars in Bristol." The bear, very angry now, says, "If you don't serve me a beer, I'm going to eat that lady sitting at the end of the bar." The bartender says again, "Sorry, we don't serve beer to belligerent, bully bears in bars in Bristol." The bear goes to the end of the bar and, as promised, eats the woman. He comes back to his seat and again demands a beer. The bartender states yet again, "Sorry, we don't serve beer to belligerent, bully bears in bars in Bristol that are on drugs." The bear says, "I'm not on drugs." The bartender says, "Well, what about that barbiturate?"

1bk8m4

What's the main ingredient in a Jedi martini?

Qui-Gon Gin

1bk9yb

A dyslexic put a dinner roll on a chair before he sat down...

It was a pad bun.

1bk9to

Hair on the muff

They are old enough

1bk8x8

My friend was trying to tell me about his problems, but I was distracted by the smell of a burning candle...

I guess I'm just incensitive. - For anyone interested, I've got an avant garde book of jokes that's now free on Amazon. Be warned, it's very out-there. Here's the link: http://amzn.com/B00ARXG4RI

1bk6a4

I got caught taking a pee in the local swimming pool today.

The lifeguard shouted at me so loud, I nearly fell in.

1bk5o7

I like my hookers like I like my treasure...

Buried.

1bk4z6

I was talking to a girl in the bar last night. She said, "If you lost a few pounds, got a haircut and wore nicer clothes, you'd look all right."

I said, "If I did that, I 'd be talking to your friends over there instead of you."

1bk4cn

There once was a man who made dead houses.

There once was a man who made dead houses; Stored them under his home with the bugs and the mouses; The coffins he made were of rich sleek wood; He built them as big, yet as fast as he could; For his caskets were haunted and were said to walk; one night he went to his basement, and one started to rock; It moved towards him, his insides began to soften; So he pulled out some Halls, cause Halls stops the coffin.

1bk3ga

A helicopter was flying around above Seattle...

A helicopter was flying around above Seattle when an electrical malfunction disabled all of the aircraft's electronic navigation and communications equipment. Due to the clouds and haze, the pilot could not determine the helicopter's position. The pilot saw a tall building, flew toward it, circled, and held up a handwritten sign that said "WHERE AM I?" in large letters. People in the tall building quickly responded to the aircraft, drew a large sign, and held it in a building window. Their sign said "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER." The pilot smiled, waved, looked at his map, determined the course to steer to SEATAC airport, and landed safely. After they were on the ground, the copilot asked the pilot how he had done it. "I knew it had to be the Microsoft Building, because they gave me a technically correct but completely useless answer."

1bk3e7

Cocaine

I tried and failed to use cocaine. It kept falling off the mirror in the bathroom.

1bk0ve

The Pope's in Town

The Pope is in town and nearly everybody is lining up outside of the the local church for a chance to meet him. A religious man, looking forward to the chance of meeting the Pope, puts on his best suit and gets on line. It is the man's dream to discuss God with the Pope, and he has so many questions to ask. After waiting half a day to meet the Pope, the man is finally at the front of the line. As the man starts to ask his first question, the Pope interrupts, "God Bless You, Son." and just like that, the man's turn was up. The man can't believe what just occurred. He expected to learn so much from the Pope, only to be pushed away immediately. The man then looks back to see a homeless man is next, in ragged clothes and with terrible hygiene. However, the Pope puts his arm over the homeless man's shoulder and guides him into the church, talking the whole time. Now the man is furious. He can't believe that the Pope would reject him, yet treat the homeless man so nicely. So the man comes up with an idea. He waits for the homeless to come back out, and pays him $100 for his ragged clothes. After changing, the man gets back in line in hopes of having a more profound experience with the Pope. Once he is at the front of the line again, as expected, the Pope takes the man and leads him into the church. The man is so excited, he can't believe his plan worked. As he is about to speak, the Pope again cuts him off to say, "I thought I told you to fucking beat it you filthy hobo."

1bk0gg

A woman steps onto the bus with her baby...

...And the bus driver says," Wow, that is one ugly ass baby you have there!" The woman goes and sits down and is very angry, remarking to her neighbor," The bus driver is an asshole! I think I'll give him a peice of my mind!" The neighbor tells her," Go get him! I'll hold your monkey for you!"

1bk05a

Three stupid men needed to use code words for alcohol during the Prohibition...

So instead of saying 'vodka', they would say 'book'. When one person asked someone about drinking, someone would say "How much of the book have you read?" and someone would reply "I've read half of the book." Eventually, the one man asked the other two if they could go to the 'library' to read some 'books'. When they all met up at the 'library', one man suddenly looked very sad. The other man asked "Why are you so sad?" the other one replied "The sign says 'No outside books allowed.'"

1bjyfc

How would you describe Al Gore playing the drums?

Algorithm.

1bjy9e

Why did the cancer patient get smacked?

His hand was bigger than his face.

1bjx97

What did Jay-Z call his girlfriend before getting married?

Feyoncè

1bjvgz

Why can't Norwegians tell jokes Timing

1bjuqk

Why won't hipsters listen to the Beatles until Ringo Starr and Paul McCartney die?

Because they only want to listen to the Beatles when they're underground (Taken from Cyanide and Happiness comics)

1bjunq

"Why was the slab of marble upset?"

"He was tired of everyone mistaking him for granite."

1bjsie

So two friars open a flower shop...

And since everybody wants to buy flowers from men of god, all the other florists in town go out of business. The last florist still in business goes to them and begs them to close down but they wont. After that, the rival florist goes to the friars' mothers and asks them to tell their sons to close their shop. The mothers ask, but they wont. After this, he goes and talks to Hugh. Hugh is the meanest, toughest guy in town. He beats up the friars and destroys their shop, and says he'll be back unless they close down, so they close down. Moral of the story: Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.

1bjqdq

Two hookers were on a street corner...

They started discussing business, and one of the hookers said, "Gonna be a good night, I smell cock in the air." The other hooker looked at her and said, "No, I just burped."

1bjp20

So three guys get captured by cannibals...

They are surrounded and hopelessly outnumbered. The chief cannibal tells them if they want to get out alive, first they must go into a grove and collect 12 of any fruit. They set off. The first guy comes back with apples. The cheif tells him, now you must insert all of them into your asshole without making a sound. Well shit, says the first guy. He starts shoving the apples up his ass. When he reaches the 4th one, he lets out a yelp. He his killed and eaten. The 2nd guy comes back with cherries. The cheif tells him the same thing. He starts inserting the cherries, not making a peep, then on the 11th one, he lets outs a giggle. He is killed and eaten. The two men meet outside the pearly gates. The first guy says to the other, "Why did you laugh? You could have made it!" The second guy laughs and says "I know, but I saw the other guy coming out of the woods with pineapples."

1bjmuf

My kinda Dr.

a woman goes to a new gynocologist for the first time, for her annual pap smear. as the dr.is getting everything ready, and the woman is in the usual position, the dr. explains that there will be some discomfort. he then asks if she would like to numb the area first so she is more comfortable. she tells the dr. *yes please* and he then proceeds to bury his face between her legs and says...num num numnum...

1bjkmm

Where does the General keep his armies?

Up his sleevies!

1bjf66

How much does a pirate pay for corn?

A buccaneer!

1bjdya

Four guys were golfing when one gets a phone call and walks away

The other three guys start talking about how successful their sons have been. The first guy explains how his son started as an entry level stock broker, but now owns his own wealth management firm. The last time he got a friend a gift, he gave him a half-million dollar investment portfolio. The second guy then brags about his son. My son is so successful, he started out as a used car salesman but now owns his own dealership. He recently gave a friend a brand new Bentley as a birthday gift. The third guy, not to be outdone, says that his son started as a carpenter but now owns a construction company. The last gift he gave a friend was a brand new house. At this point, the fourth guy returns from his call. The other gentleman ask about his son, to which he replies "Well, I'm not too pleased with my son right now. He has been unemployed for the last year and a half, and he recently told me he is gay." As the other men look at him in horror, he continues "But he must be really good at what he does, because his last three boyfriends gave him a huge stock portfolio, and new luxury car, and a brand new house."

1bj8ld

A kid and a circus clown

A little boy is riding his bike around town when he see a flier that's been posted for the fall circus coming to town. The little boy sees that tickets will be on sale in three days, so he decides to wait in front of the box office to be the first to get a ticket. It rains constantly all three days that he is waiting and he ends up getting sick, but recovers in time for the circus. The day of the circus comes around and the little boy rides his bike to the circus grounds before they even opene the gates just so he can get a front row seat. Finally the circus starts and a tiny clown car drives out to the center of the tent. A dozen clowns pile out of the car with the biggest, fattest clown getting out last and holding a microphone. He turns it on and says "Welcome to the circus everyone! Befor we start I want to point out this little boy in the front row, This little idiot stood for three days in the rain and got sick, then rode his bike 10 miles in the freezing cold to get here before we even opened this shitty circus! This kid is a fucking retard!" The entire crowd is roaring with laughter, the little boy is so embarrased that he runs out and jumps on his bike. As he's riding home he decides that he's going to go to insult college and get his revenge. The years go by and the boy graduates highschool, goes to insult college and gets his degree. The day that he comes home from college he sees a flier for the same circus coming to town. He waits outside the box office for three days to get his ticket and ends up getting sick again. When the day of the circus comes around he drives to the circus grounds and waits two hours for the gates to open. The boy takes the same seat in the front row he was in all those years ago. The circus finally begins and the same clown car drives out. A dozen clowns pile out of the car, and the same big, fat clown comes out last with a microphone. he turns it on and says "Welcome to the circus folks! Before we start I want to point out this man in the front row! This asshole is the same little idiot who got sick years ago waiting for three days to get a ticket to this shitty circus, waited in the cold for hours and just did it again! This man is a fuckig retard!" The man stands up and says "Oh yeah? Well fuck you Clown!"

1bj8iz

What's the hardest part about roller blading?

Telling your parents that you're gay.

1bj6l4

The Street Performer

An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German are all standing watching a street performer do some excellent juggling. The juggler notices that the four gentlemen have a very poor view, so he stands up on a large wooden box and calls out, "Can you all see me now?" "Yes." "Oui." "Sí." "Ja."

1bj588

An Italian guy, a Russian guy, and a Polish guy are waiting for a job interview.

An Italian guy, a Russian guy, and a Polish guy are sitting in a waiting room, waiting to be called in for a job interview. The Italian is called into the manager's office first. The manager is a nice looking, normal guy, but he has no ears. The Italian takes a seat. "For this job, we need someone very observant. Tell me, what's something you can observe about me?" says the manager. The Italian replies, "You've got no fucking ears!" The manager gets furious and kicks him out of his office. Next, the Russian is called into the manager's office. "We need someone very observant for this job," says the manager. "To test your observational skills, tell me something you observe about me." "You've got no fucking ears!", says the Russian. Again, the manager gets furious and tells the Russian to leave his office. Both the Russian and the Italian make sure to tell the Polish guy, who was still waiting in the waiting room, that the manager is going to ask him to make an observation about him. They told him to be careful, though, because he's very sensitive about not having any ears and that he shouldn't mention it. The Polish guy gets called into the manager's office. "I need to test your observational skills before hiring you," says the manager. "What's something you observe about me?" Flustered, the Polish guy replies, "Uhh, you're wearing contact lenses." Surprised, the manager asks, "Why yes I am, how did you know that?" The Polish guy replied, "How the hell would you wear glasses? You've got no fucking ears!" "Get the fuck out of my office!!!" Joke by Jackie "The Joke Man" Martling :) Edit: Formatting

1bj0eo

The three stranded men

Three men are in a desert walking for days. They are miles and miles away from any signs of civilization. Suddenly a genie appears and gives the men a deal. He says not too far from here , there is a cliff and if you run and jump off, I'll grant you a wish while you are in mid air. So they all accept and the first man to run off jumps off and wishes that he was an eagle. His wish is granted and he flies off. The next man runs and jumps off and wishes that he was hawk and he is turned into one and flies off. The last man runs but trips over a rock and yells "crap!" . His wished is granted and he's is turned into a pile of poop that falls down the cliff.

1bizqw

Putting the punchline in the title

How do you piss off circle jerkers? Putting the punchline in the title And that's how the fight started -Albert Einstein And then Einstein fainted, because where are you going to find a lawyer in heaven?

1biy7r

I shouldn't be forced to have black friends.

I know my whites.

1bix9h

Husband down.. Aisle 7

A husband and wife are shopping in their local Wal-Mart. The husband picks up a case of Miller Lite and puts it in their cart. 'What do you think you're doing?' asks the wife. 'They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans', he replies. 'Put them back, it's a waste of money', demands the wife, and so he does and they carry on shopping. A few aisles further on along, the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket. What do you think you're doing?' asks the husband. "It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,' replies the wife. Her husband retorts: 'So does 24 cans of Miller Lite and it's half the price..'

1biunw

A woman says to her cat "Go and make me a sandwich"

The cat says "Me? how?"

1bits9

The three knights (NSFW)

Okay, so the king employs three new knights to guard his daughter's bedroom as she sleeps. He warns them: "If you try to sleep with my daughter, I will kill you." However, he does not expect the new knights to heed his warning, and so he makes the daughter put a knife inside of her vagina. That night, while the three knights are guarding the princess' bedroom, one knight enters the room. a couple of minutes later, a scream is heard from the room, and the knight walks out, writhing in pain. The second knight walks in to the room also, and once again, within a couple of minutes, a cry is heard, and the knight falls out of the room, screeching out of pure agony. Finally, the third knight walks in, and again, a scream is heard, and the knight walks out crying like a baby. The next morning, the king approaches the knights outside of the bedroom, and asks the first knight "Did you sleep with my daughter last night?" The knight replied "No." The king then ordered the man's pants to be dropped, and upon seeing the knight's sliced penis, ordered him to be taken away and executed. The king repeated to the second knight, "Did *you* sleep with my daughter?" The second knight owned up and said, "Yes." The king ordered the man to be executed immediately. The king then said to the third knight, "Did you attempt to sleep with my daughter?" and the knight opened his mouth, and said "I wpluod nefew twi to fwuk yow dertur."

1bite3

What's long and hard on a black man?

The First grade!

1birev

An eagle goes looking for a mate...

He swoops down and picks up a loon. "I'm a loon, I'm a loon, I love to spoon." The eagle realizes this will not work, so he kicks the loon out and finds a hawk. "I'm a hawk, I'm a hawk, I just want to talk." Realizing that that will not work, he kicks out the hawk and finds a dove. "I'm a dove, I'm a dove, I don't make love." Frustrated now at three failed attempts, the eagle kicks out the dove and picks up a duck. "I'm a drake, I'm a drake, you made a mistake!"

1binar

What do you call a man with his hand up a horses ass?

An Amish mechanic. A favorite from Robin Williams

1bilid

What do you call a group of politically similar crows?

A cawcus

1biisy

Knock knock

Who's there? Broken pencil Broken pencil who? Nevermind, it's pointless...

1bieaw

The 3 Spies

There are 3 Spies that get captured. One spy is French, one is German and the other is Italian. Their captors come into the cell and grab the French spy and tie his hands behind a chair in the next room. They torture him for 2 hours before he answers all questions and gives up all of his secrets. The captors throw the French spy back into the cell and grab the German spy. They tie his hands behind the chair as well and torture him for 4 hours before he tells them what they want to know. They throw him back into the cell and grab the Italian spy. They tie his hands behind the chair and begin torturing. 4 hours go by and the spy isn't talking. Then 8 hours, then 16 and after 24 hours they give up and throw him back into the cell. The German and French spy are impressed and ask him how he managed to not talk. The Italian spy responds, " I wanted to!, but I couldn't move my hands!". EDIT: Glad everyone likes this joke. I want to give credit to a great friend of mine named Ron who told it to me.

1bibam

Sex is like a game of cards.

....if you Dont have a good partner you better have a good hand!!!!

1bia5j

If you watch Cinderella backwards...

..it's about a women who learns her place. Old one but still funny.

1bi92y

How do you date a ghost?

You 'WOOOO' him!

1bi8ol

How to make right decisions

The other day I had the opportunity to drop by my department head's office. He's a friendly guy and on the rare opportunities that I have to pay him a visit, we have had enjoyable conversations. While I was in his office yesterday I asked him "Sir, What is the secret of your success?" "Two words" "And, Sir, what are they?" "Right decisions." "But how do you make right decisions?" "One word." "And, sir, What is that?" "Experience." "And how do you get Experience?" "Two words" "And, Sir, what are they?" "Wrong decisions"

1bi622

What kind of explosive is popular with terrorist school-children?

The satchel charge.

1bhzyn

How come when I find a stray dog, take it home, and give it a bath everyone calls me a saint...

...but when I do it with a kid everyone just calls me a priest?

1bi1xh

I wouldn't say I do a lot of psychedelics...

But my couch has seatbelts.

1bi0yd

Score! I just landed my summer job for this year - working at the zoo, circumsizing elephants

They said the hourly pay isn't great, but the tips are ENORMOUS!

1bi0ig

The Gorilla and the Redneck

A small zoo in Georgia obtained a very rare species of gorilla. Within a few weeks the gorilla, a female, became impossible to handle. Upon examination, the veterinarian determined the gorilla was in heat, and her aggressive behavior could only be relieved with sexual interaction with a male counterpart. To make matters worse, there was no male gorilla available. After considering nearly all possible options, the Zoo Keeper thought of Bobby Lee Walton, a redneck part-time worker responsible for cleaning the animal cages. Bobby Lee, a very strong physical man, had little sense but was always bragging about his honky tonk women. The Zoo Keeper thought they might have a solution. Bobby Lee was approached with a proposition. Would he be willing to mate with the gorilla for $500.00? Bobby Lee showed some interest, but said he would have to think the matter over carefully. The following day, he announced that he would accept their offer, but only under four conditions: "First", Bobby Lee said, "I ain't gonna kiss her on the lips." The Keeper quickly agreed to this condition. "Second", he said, "you can't never tell no one about this, and I mean no one." The keeper again readily agreed to this condition. "Third", Bobby Lee said, "In the event that there are offspring, I want all the children raised Southern Baptist." Once again it was agreed. And last," Bobby Lee said, "I'm gonna need another week to come up with the $500.00."

1bhtox

How do you make a car top?

You gotta 'tep on the brake 'tupid!

1bhte7

Pieces of cooked meat have been found on mount Everest recently...

The steaks have never been higher.

1bhvo7

What is Michelle obama's favorite vegetable?

BARACK-OLI

1bhv5j

A Priest Offers a Nun a Lift..

She gets in and crosses her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg and nearly causing the priest to have an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg. The nun said,”Father, remember Psalm 129?” The priest removed his hand. But,changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun once again said, “Father, remember Psalm 129?” The priest apologized “Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.” Arriving at the convent, the nun went on her way. On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, “Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.” Moral of the story: If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity

1bhuy1

What's the difference between a Ferrari and a dead hooker?

I don't have a Ferrari in my garage

1bhs8t

My sex life...

1bhs4g

I can never write a joke without being criticized about the punchline

So fuck you guys

1bhrs4

What do you call a zoo enclosure without any change?

A nickeless cage.

1bhlx7

A Mexican, a black guy, and an Asian are in a car. Who's driving?

They better hope it's not the Asian.

1bhirs

How do you get 1000 cows into a barn ??

- hold a bingo !!

1bhh32

What sexual position...

Do you not want your new girlfriend to ask you put her in? The fetal position.

1bhe6x

Roses are red

violets are blue, Some poems rhyme, This one does not.

1bhao9

A redhead tells her blonde sister, "I slept with a Brazilian..."

The blonde replies: "Oh My Gosh! You slut! How many is a Brazilian?"

1bh8jp

Did you hear the joke about german sausage?

It's the wurst!

1bh5v5

So I work with children...

It's a very fulfilling job. I go to daycare centers, Pre-K, and Kindergarden classrooms and give out healthy snacks. I feel great encouraging kids to develop a healthy lifestyle early in life, and the kids love me. The parents love me, too, but for some reason, every time I talk about my job to other people, I get a lot of hate. I don't know why, maybe it's because I'm a man, but every time I mention my job to someone, they become really hostile, calling me a pervert and a pedophile, and often going so far as calling the police. The police aren't very understanding either; usually they have to call my boss and have her confirm that I'm not doing anything wrong and in all the time i've worked for her, i've had absolutely zero complaints from parents or children. I swear, it's not easy being a Child Grapist.

1bh3x5

In the Men's Room, I hate pooping next to others...

funny because i enjoy being amongst my peers.

1bh05h

Kevin Ware's leg

Unfortunately Kevin Ware and his leg did not display the same structure and elasticity as his brother Tupper

1bgwj7

What you you call a girl you meet on Reddit?

You don't.

1bgub0

Best Joke I know

Reddit on April fools' day.

1bgqub

An Englishman, a Frenchman, and an Italian are all on a plane.

All three are heading to China for 2 months for a business trip. The Frenchman and the Englishman start talking about the night before: Englishman: "I'll have you know I made love to my wife 3 times and this morning she told me she adored me" Frenchman: "Ha ha! That is very good my friend, however, I believe I have you beat; last night I made love to my wife 6 times and this morning she told me should would never love anyone else!" The Englishman congratulates the Frenchman and then they look over at the Italian who hasn't said anything the whole flight. Englishman: "How many times did you make love to your wife last night?" Italian: "Once" Frenchman: "Once? What did she say in the morning?" Italian: "Don't stop"

1bgo5u

A talented but unemployed jazz pianist.

A talented but unemployed jazz pianist/composer was walking down Second Avenue in New York contemplating his sad life when he sees a sign in a restaurant window that says "Jazz pianist wanted, full time position." Elated at his good fortune he goes inside to apply for the job. He meets the manager, who takes him to an out-of-the way corner where there is a freshly tuned, gleeming black Steinway grand piano. The pianist is momentarily overcome as he sits down at the majestic instrument. The manager pulls up a chair and tells him that the position pays three hundred dollars a night, but with one condition: "You have to play only original music." Barely able to contain his joy, the pianist says "That's not a problem at all, I've written hundreds of pieces." The manager asks him to play one. The pianist launches into an up-tempo post-bop piece with subtly shifting harmonies somewhat reminiscent of Ravel, but with a rhythmic drive that would make McCoy Tyner blush. After he finishes the tune, the manager, floored, asks "Wow! that's amazing! What's the name of that?" The pianist tells him It's called "I love it when you take a huge steaming shit on my grandmother's carpet".  The manager is taken aback by the the unexpected vulgarity, but because the pianist is so brilliant, he ignores it. The manager asks him to play another of his compositions. He starts off with a poignant rubato introduction and then smoothly slides into a 5/4 samba that features a bi-tonal ostinato section set off by a funk groove section with a surprising update of Coltrane's countdown changes. The manager is again thoroughly impressed and reluctantly asks the name of the tune. The pianist says It's called "I want to stick my head in your panties and suffocate in your wonderfully sickening ass-stench." The manager is again startled by the sharply disgusting title, but by this time a crowd had gathered around to enjoy the music.  Realizing that he was in the presence of greatness, the manager decides to hire him, but gives him a warning: "You must promise me one thing. You can't tell anyone the names of your tunes." The pianist gives the manager a bemused look, and although he doesn't fully understand this strange request, he agrees. So the pianist starts his new job and the crowd is really enjoying his other-worldly dinner music. After a while, nature makes its inevitable call, and he takes a break to go to the men's room. Never the most fastidious person, and being pre-occupied by an idea for a new composition, the pianist neglects to return his manhood to his trousers, and blithely strides out of the men's room. Mistaking the diner's stares for adulation he confidently struts toward the piano, but before he gets there the bartender, shocked, yells out "Hey man! Do you know your fly's open and your dick and balls are hanging out?" The pianist gives him a condescending look and says "Do I KNOW it? I WROTE it!"

1bghtr

What do you say to a grammar nazi who just got their left side cut off?

Their, they're, there. You'll be all right.

1bgahg

What did one hat say to another?

You stay here, I'll go on a head!