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english_jokes

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1bg7q7

What did the dough say to the baker?

You, knead me.

1bg66z

I'm only human.

And like all humans, I'm a fucking asshole.

1bfvji

How do you stop a dog from humping your leg?

Pick it up and suck its dick.

1bfv8b

I stripped naked after losing a bet yesterday.

I'm now barred from my local bookies.

1bfkmg

A science joke

A physics professor and his assistant are working on liberating negatively charged hydroxyl ions, when all of a sudden, the assistant says, "Wait, Professor! What if the salicylic acids do not accept the hydroxyl ions?" And the professor responds, "That's no hydroxyl ion! That's my wife!"

1bfii2

So a black man walks into a store and bought 5 items.

April fools, he stole them.

1bfh9r

I thought my watch ran out of battery power...

It scared me for a second.

1bfcbx

What does a 9 volt battery have in common with a girl's butt hole?

You know you shouldn't, but sooner or later you're gonna give it a lick.

1bfai1

I went to a bookstore

and asked the saleswoman where the Self Help section was.

1bf8ov

Why don't you eat a girl the morning after sex?

Have you tired pulling apart a grilled cheese sandwhich.

1bf5re

An Elderly Man Goes to the Doctor’s.

“Help, Doc. I just got married to this 21 year old woman. She is hot and all she wants to do is have sex all day long.” “So what’s the problem?” Breaking down in tears.... “I can’t remember where I live.”

1bf3cc

I once bought an e. e. cummings poem collection..

It was the worst game of Mad Libs ever.

1bf2da

Thor

The god of thunder is riding through the sky on his mighty stallion. With lightning crashing all around, he triumphantly screams, "I'M THOR!" His horse looks up and says, "Of courthe you are, you forgot your thaddle thilly!"

1bf17p

Which Jedi can save PDF files?

Adobe Wan Kenobi

1bf11z

a young girl had twins

a young girl from America had identical twins when she was just 14 years old. she decided to sensible thing was to put them up for adoption because she knew she wouldn't be able to care for them years later after she had married and started a new family her and her husband decided they would look for her lost children. They searched through the records and found that one child was now living in Mexico. he had been named Juan. The other was living in Egypt and had been called Jamal. The husband and wife travelled down to Mexico in search of Juan. they spent a whole week catching up. Once the week was up the husband asked if it was time to travel to Egypt. his wife replied: "no i want to go home. once you've seen Juan you've seen Jamal"

1bey03

The Magic Lamp

A man walks into a bar looking rather down on his luck. The Bartender asks what's wrong, and the man produces a foot tall gent wearing a tuxedo from his jacket pocket. Before the Bartender can ask, the man proceeds to open his suitcase, and plonks a tiny piano in front of the little man. The little guy starts playing his heart out, the Bartender couldn't help but smile at the spectacle. Surprised that someone could be sad with such an obvious money-maker in their pocket, the Bartender asks the man how he came across this gift. The man once again reached into his pocket and pulled a lamp, explaining that it was magic and he got one wish. The Bartender snatched it away and greedily started rubbing, quietly mumbling his wish. At first there was nothing. Slowly a rumble of high pitched noise started building up in the distance. As it got louder, it became clear the sound was the quacking and squawking of ducks flying low toward the bar. Hundreds of thousands of ducks attacked the building, smashing windows and breaking roof tiles. After 10 or so minutes the last of the ducks had gone, and the Bartender gets out from behind the bar to survey the damage. His bar is ruined, covered in duck shit and dead ducks. The man was still at the bar. Suddenly outraged, the Bartender grabs the man by the jacket and asks "I thought you said this lamp was magic! This wasn't my wish at all!!" The man slowly turned and said "Do you really think I wished for a 12 inch pianist?"

1bev0x

Why did the dwarf go out of business?

The overheads were too high.

1betje

At any time, the temptation to sing "The Lion Sleeps Tonight" is just a whim away.......

A whim away.

1bet7z

Hey, Jose!

How many of our friends do you see? Just Juan.

1besia

Zebra dies and goes to heaven.

When he arrives at the Pearly Gates, St. Peter greets him and informs him that all newcomers to heaven are allowed a single question to ask of The Almighty. Pete gestures to a magnificent pedestal nearby and says to Zebra, "just step up there and ask away." Zebra walks over to the pedestal and nervously steps on. The pedestal immediately illuminates with blinding light and a booming voice from above echoes, "WHAT TRUTH DOES THY SEEK MY CHILD?" Zebra looks up and says "Well, God, i've always wanted to know.. am i black with white stripes? or am i white with black stripes? The voice echoes again. "YOU ARE WHAT YOU ARE." then the light fades. Zebra looks at St. Peter inquisitively. Pete says "you're clearly white with black stripes.." Zebra, "how do you know that??" Pete, "well if you were black with white stripes, God would have said 'YOU IS WHAT YOU IS'

1berru

Do you know who Candice is??

Candice who?? Candice dick fit in your mouth??

1bep0q

They say 1 in 3 men are gay.

I'm not gay, he's not gay...

1benbh

Two aliens sitting in a bar...

The first looks at the second and says "bleep loop do dooee day baaarrggg" The second looks ask at the first a d says "shut up frank, you're drunk"

1ben4j

What do you call the deaf man with no limbs?

Whatever you want.

1behzo

Apparently women prefer men who are taller than them.

So I guess it could be said that tall women have higher standards.

1bef43

What did the boner say to the olympic swimmer?

Dont be so Hard-on yourself the embarassment will only last a few months!

1bed9f

What is the common point between spinach, and Sodomey?

Even with butter, children still do not like it.

1bec1x

27

A small rabbit was simply hopping around a large hole of which the bottom was yet to be seen. Our jolly fellow was hopping around the edge, saying: 27, 27, 27, 27, 27,27, 27, 27...... and so on and so forth A bear walks up to the the rabbit with a quizzical look on his face. "Why our you saying that number while jumping around this hole?" asked the bear. The rabbit responded nothing. So the bear decided to look over the edge of the hole, the rabbit the swiftly pushed the bear over the edge, making him fall to it's demise. The rabbit then proceeded to hop around the hole again, this time saying: 28, 28, 28, 28, 28, 28, 28, 28, 28, 28, 28, 28, 28, 28, 28......

1beblv

A man and a woman walk into an elevator.

After a little while of standing in silence, he turns to her and says "excuse me, can I smell your pussy?" She flushes crimson red and huffs "YOU MOST CERTAINLY CAN NOT!" "Oh," he says, "must be your feet then."

1beat9

A Guy is Walking Through a Marina

He looks over and sees a Boat with AMB on the prow. As he's thinking about it.... American ships are called USS...United States Ship British are called HMS...Her Majesty's Ship For the life of him he could not place what AMB would stand for. So he calls down to the gentleman standing on the boat: "Excuse me but what does the label "AMB" stand for?" The guy looks up and yells, "ATSA MY BOAT!!!"

1be4is

How many Alzheimer's patients does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

To get to the other side.

1be3ub

An Engineer goes to heaven

An engineer dies and goes up to the Pearly Gates where he is greeted by St. Peter. "Welcome to Heaven. Come right in. We can always use another engineer". But the engineer does his due diligence and asks to see both Heaven and Hell before deciding where he wants to spend eternity. Heaven is nice but seems dull. Hell, on the other hand, has all sorts of problems that an engineer can enjoy fixing so the engineer decides to go to Hell instead. Some time later God, being a prick, calls down to Hell to ask Lucifer if it is hot enough for him. Lucifer says "Heck no. Since we got that engineer things have become much better. He has drained the stinking swamps, put out the infernal flames and installed air conditioning. Things are quite pleasant here." "An engineer?" exclaims God. "You can't have an engineer. They all go to heaven. Sent him up here immediately." "No," says the devil. "We like him. We're keeping him." "You can't keep him. If you don't send him to heaven I'll sue" says God. At this the devil just laughs and laughs. "Sue? Where are you going to get a lawyer."

1be1mj

Had a first date with a girl I met on the internet.[Original]

We got two microbrews within a minute of arriving and hadn't had more ten sentences of conversation since meeting. She took her first sip and said "You know, I haven't had a decent beer a while and I just realized how much I miss it." "Yeah totally. That's how I feel about heroin."

1be0ki

Quit it...

A man was sitting with his wife one morning when he asks "can you go and make me some eggs?" His wife then scornfully replies, "make you own damn eggs!" The man looks to his wife and says "what's the matter?" She then screams "quit treating me like a dog!" To which he wittily replies "then quit acting like a bitch!"

1bdzyh

Racist St. Peter

Saint Peter is sitting at the Pearly Gates when two guys wearing dark hoodies, and sagging pants, arrive. St. Peter looked out through the Gates and said, "Wait here. I’ll be right back." St. Peter goes over to God's chambers and tells him who is waiting for entrance. God says to Peter: "How many times do I have to tell you? You can't be judgmental here. This is heaven. All are loved. All are brothers. Go back and let them in!" St. Peter goes back to the Gates, looks around, and lets out a heavy sigh. He returns to God's chambers and says, “Well, they're gone." “The guys wearing hoodies?" asked God. "No. The Pearly Gates."

1bdytq

What is a simile?

It's like a metaphor.

1bdxlz

I was writing a paper on my grandfather...

But had to stop because he was moving so much.

1bdw80

What do you call a male seamstress?

A homosexual.

1bdugw

My uncle performed circumcisions...

He kept all the foreskin and had a tailor make it into a wallet. Rub it for 5 minutes and you get a briefcase.

1bdtyj

What do you call 10 rabbits marching backwards?

A receding hareline.

1bdstv

What did the left leg say to the right leg?

Dont talk to the middle leg he is a dick.

1bdn68

Sometimes having an extra chromosome...

really gets me down

1bdqwt

What does the Starship Enterprise and toilet paper have in common?

They're both en route to uranus to wipe out the klingons

1bdlym

Apparantly there is a term for Baywatch actors in their midlife crisis.

It's called the Hoff-time show.

1bdq1z

Old one but...A Priest, A rapist and a Pedophile walk into a bar...

He orders a beer!

1bdp6y

I used to be addicted to having sex with bars of soap.

But then I came clean.

1bdkp3

A snake walks into a bar

And the bartender yells, "How the fuck did you just walk in here?!"

1bdkiv

I told my parents to put their Euros in my UK bank account, just in case.

It didn't work.

1bdhja

Dr. Feelgood

Doctor Feelgood is visiting the mental institution to see the latest condition of some of his patients. He is led into the first room, opens the door, and meets Charlie. At that moment he is swinging an imaginary golf club in the air. "Well, Charlie," says Feelgood. "When do you think you will be getting out?" "No problem," replies Charlie, swinging away. "Just as soon as I hit a hole-in-one." Feelgood shakes his head and goes on to the next room. There he finds Chester swinging an imaginary baseball bat. "Hello, Chester," says Feelgood. "And when do you think you will be getting out?" "Oh, soon," replies Chester. "Just as soon as I hit this home-run." Feelgood shakes his head again, and is led to the next room. He walks in and finds Donald rubbing a bag of peanuts up against his open zipper. "Hello, Donald," says Feelgood. "And when do you think you will be getting out?" "Out? Are you kidding?" says Donald excitedly. "I'm fucking nuts!"

1bdhfk

Multiple personality disorder has made my sex life hard...

I want to masturbate , but I'm not into orgies.

1bdh31

Being alone with my girlfriend on Easter.

"Jesus has risen . . . and so have I."

1bdbal

The stalker

A woman had a stalker who always was bugging her to have sex with him. The woman eventually grew tired of his constant begging and thought of a way to get rid of him. "Before I have sex with you, you must buy me a diamond necklace with matching diamond earrings" To her surprise, the stalker returned the very next day with a beautiful diamond necklace and matching earrings as she requested. The woman responded with a task she thought her stalker could surely not accomplish. "Before I have sex with you, I want you to buy me a brand new Porsche." The woman was stunned as the man returned the next day in a brand new Porsche convertible . The woman quickly thought of an excuse to avoid having sex with the stranger. "Im sorry but I can only have sex with someone who has a 12 inch penis." she explained. The woman felt relieved as her stalker walked away. To her astonishment, the man returned half an hour later, weeping, with a pair of bloody scissors in hand, and his pants around his ankles with the remainder of his penis wrapped in bandages.

1bdb1d

Why does the Easter Bunny hide his eggs?

He doesn't want anyone to know he's fucking a chicken.

1bddi5

A great storm is brewing....

I was at my neice's pool party last Saturday. She got an inflatable dolphin for her birthday. We were all having a great time, when the wind started blowing a bit harder and some clouds rolled in. Over the next 10 minutes it just started getting windier and windier and the skies turned dark. In the distance we saw a flash of lightning and decided to get the kids inside. As we were running towards the house, my niece dropped the dolphin toy and the wind got ahold of it and blew it across the yard. Fearing it would blow away and be lost forever, i frantically chased after it, but to no avail, it jumped the fence but came to rest in the neighbors rosebush. Some of the thorns had punctured the thin plastic and, upon examination, i saw air escaping through 3 small holes in the side. "Well, I guess that deflates the porpoise."

1bddbi

A pirate walks into a bar...

Hook hand, peg-leg, eye-patch, the whole nine yards. He's decked out in his best pirate garb and just strolls into this pub. The modern folks in the bar are stunned and amused, but only one brave patron approaches, "Are you really a pirate?" he asks "Aye, lad, that I am. Captain Killigan at yer service." "Wow, so is all this stuff real? The hook and the leg and all?" "Aye, aye, and I'll tell ye the story of 'em all for a drink." Eager to hear his story, the man buys the pirate a drink and sits to listen. "Well, first, me leg. Aye, 'twas a great gale in the midst of the Atlantic, and one of my men and fallen over board after a rogue wave hit the ship. I was haulin' him in off the netting when I great white shark leapt out of the water and bit me leg off at the knee..." "Wow," says the bar patron, "that's amazing! And your hand?" "Aye, me hand... We were searchin' fer buried treasure off'a the Florida Keys, when while hackin' through the brush, I stumbled upon a great alligator who was right bothered about me beein' there. I fought the beast valiantly, but the bastard took me hand..." "Oh this is incredible!" The man exclaims, "So the eye-patch...how's you lose the eye?" The pirate pauses, a little reticent to reveal this last injury... "Well...a seagull pooped in me eye..." "What? Seagull poops in your eye and now you need an eye-patch?" "Aye...T'was me first day with the hook..."

1bd8zp

I can't play music in piano;

I guess you could say it's not my forte.

1bdd3m

Do you know the fat catholic woman? [OC]

She has mass.

1bd9ol

The Mexican and his Donkey

A Mexican man is sitting on a bench in El Paso with his donkey standing to the right of him. A man walks up to him and asks, "Excuse me sir, would you by any chance know what time it is?" The Mexican then reaches right and grabs the donkey by the scrotum. After fiddling with the sack for a couple seconds, the Mexican turns and answers, "It's about 3 o'clock." "Wow, uh, thanks sir" answers the man and he continues on. A while later two more men walk by, when one of them asks, "Excuse sir, do you know what time it is?" Again, the Mexican reaches right and starts to cradle the scrotum of the donkey, just like before. After playing with the donkey's testicles, he finally responds, "It's about 4:30." Amazed, one of the men asks, "How in the hell does that tell you what time it is?" The Mexican explains, "Well first I lift up the donkey's balls." Next, the Mexican points beyond the balls of the donkey. "And then you see the clock tower over there?"

1bd90f

What do you call a cheap circumcision?

A rip off.

1bd4xm

What is the heaviest surgical intervetion that can be done to women ?

Getting money and dicks out of their minds.

1bd165

[Black Joke] what's the difference between a Black guy and a pizza?

The pizza can feed a family of four

1bcwwj

Whats pink and smells awful?

Your mums cunt lol

1bctrd

I am forced to give up golf after breaking my leg.

I fell off the ball washer.

1bcqh1

why did Bob quit working at the toilet paper factory?

Because he was tired of working with assholes all day

1bcqbj

They Say 1 out of 3 People Cheat in a Relationship

Not sure if it's my wife, or my girlfriend.

1bcp4l

Bought my wife a burka for her birthday

She wasn't too happy. Said she won't be seen in it

1bcn68

How do you make a cat go "woof"?

Douse it with petrol and toss a lit match. WOOF!

1bcilu

What kind of file do you need to turn a 15mm hole into a 40mm hole?

A pedophile.

1bcgum

Who did the chickens vote for president?

Baraaaaaak Obama

1bcctp

Where do Bees use the bathroom?

At the BP station. (thanks grandma)

1bc8bd

An elementary teacher wanted to introduce physiological notions to her students.

She asks her class: Whoever feels stupid at times stand up! After a while, little Johnny stands up, grudgingly. The teacher asks: So Johnny, you feel stupid from time to time? Little Johnny replies: No ma’am, it’s just painful to see you standing all alone.

1bc15k

Why did the Jew vote for Obama?

Because he promised change.

1bbzzk

All women are different.

Yet none of them can drive.

1bbzf2

How do you turn a fox into a cow?

Marry it

1bbyof

Do you remember blowing bubbles when you were a kid?

He's back in town and wants your number.

1bby5d

What did the young digital clock say to its Grandfather clock?

"Look Grandpa, no hands!"

1bbvr2

50,000 battered women a year...

And I still eat mine plain!

1bbvlk

I've been winning egg hunts since before I was even born.

1bbufc

What is the difference between a straight man's mustache and a gay man's mustache?

The smell.

1bbu8p

"Hi, My name is John Foreman and I run a cabinet making business."

John said counter-productively.

1bbsrr

Old technology

After having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year, French scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 200 years and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 150 years ago. Not to be outdone by the French: in the weeks that followed, American archaeologists dug to a depth of 20 feet before finding traces of copper wire. Shortly afterwards, they published an article in the New York Times saying : "American archaeologists, having found traces of 250-year-old copper wire, have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network 50 years earlier than the French." A few weeks later, ‘The British Archaeological Society of Northern England’ reported the following: "After digging down to a depth of 33 feet in the Skipton area of North Yorkshire in 2011, Charlie Hardcastle, a self-taught amateur archaeologist, reported that he had found absolutely sod all. Charlie has therefore concluded that 250 years ago, Britain had already gone wireless."

1bbsq1

How do you catch a polar bear?

First you dig a hole in the ice, about 8 feet deep and about 6 feet wide. Second you open a can of peas and place the peas around the perimeter of the ice hole. Then you hide and wait. When the polar bear stops to take a pea, you kick him in the ice hole.

1bbr8j

My favorite one liner. I've only told it out loud so I figured I'd type it type it vaguely.

A guy walks into a psychiatrist's office wearing nothing but saran wrap. The psychiatrist says "Well, I can clearly see youre nuts"

1bbr4o

What did the lesbian vampire say to the other lesbian vampire?

Same time next month? (sorry if repost)

1bbpnd

Did you hear about when Sting got a new mobile phone?

He sent out an SMS to the world.

1bbnf4

What are your best "If I had ____ for every time..." jokes?

Two of my favorites are: 1. "If I had a dollar for every existentialist moment I've ever had...Does money even matter?" - Can't remember the comedian. 2. "If I had a quarter every time a hobo asked me for spare change, I'd still say no" - Bo Burnham

1bbgoa

I just got Natalie Portman's autograph!

Sure, it's on a restraining order, but still...

1bbf5t

A Mexican, a Jew, and a colored guy go into a bar -

The bartender looks up and says 'get the fuck out of here!'

1bbeec

Everyone who believes in Psychokinesis...

raise my hand

1bbdzp

I hate being bipolar.

It's awesome

1bbdnd

Last night I reached for my liquid viagra and accidentally swigged from a bottle of tippex..

...I woke this morning with a huge correction.

1bbd5c

What's the difference between a truck load of babies and a truck load of bowling balls?

There's only one you can unload with a pitchfork. Edit: Who said something about dead babies?

1bb9yx

What's the difference between CNN and Al-Jazeera?

CNN shows the missiles taking off and Al-Jazeera shows them landing. (Not mine, just heard it on the Jimmy Dore show) also "My favorite indie band is palestinian. I think they're really going to blow up."

1bb9o7

Why did the atheist chicken cross the road

To get away from Churchs

1bb523

Trial in a small town.

In a trial, a southern small town prosecuting attorney called his first witness to the stand - a grandmotherly, elderly woman. He approached her and asked "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?" She responded "why, yes I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me." She continued "You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you." The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked "Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?" She again replied "why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. Yes, I know him." At this point, the judge brought the courtroom to silence, called both counsellors to the bench, and in a very quiet voice, said "If either of you bastards asks her if she knows me, you'll be jailed for contempt."

1bb38w

Sis-Boom-Ba...

What sound does a sheep holding a stick of dynamite make?

1bb221

Two statisticians walk into a bar...

What are the chances of that?

1bazch

What do you do on a date with a feminist?

Split the bill.

1batao

Why did the pervert cross the road?

Because his dick was stuck in the chicken.

1basz6

Alzheimer's Joke (might be a repost)