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english_jokes

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1basgc

Why do orphans go to church?

It's the only place they can call someone "father".

1baqt9

I asked my Welsh friend...

How many shags have you had? He started counting then fell asleep.

1bap5l

Be right back.

-Godot

1banzn

In my 4th grade class the cutest girl threw away my love letter..

..so I failed her!

1bank0

First Class Blonde

A plane is on its way to Detroit when a blonde woman in economy class gets up and moves into an open seat in the first class section. The flight attendant watches her do this, and politely informs the woman that she must sit in economy class because that's the type of ticket she paid for. The blonde replies, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Detroit and I'm staying right here." After repeated attempts and no success at convincing the woman to move, the flight attendant goes into the cockpit and informs the pilot and co-piolet that there's a blonde bimbo sitting in first class who refuses to go back to her proper seat. The co-pilot goes back to the woman and explains why she needs to move, but once again the woman replies by saying, "I'm blonde, I'm beatiful, I'm going to Detroit and I'm staying right here." The co-pilot returns to the cockpit and suggests that perhaps they should have the arrival gate call the police and have the woman arrested when they land. The pilot says, "You say she's blonde? I'll handle this. I'm married to a blonde. I speak blonde." He goes back to the woman and whispers quietly in her ear, and she says, "Oh, I'm sorry," then quickly moves back to her seat in economy class. The flight attendant and co-pilot are amazed and ask him what he said to get her to move back to economy without causing any fuss. "I told her first class isn't going to Detroit."

1banco

There was this little boy...

There was this little boy about 12 years old walking down the sidewalk dragging a flattened frog on a string behind him. He came up to the doorstep of a house of ill repute and knocked on the door. When the Madam answered it, she saw the little boy and asked what he wanted. He said, "I want to have sex with one of the women inside. I have the money to buy it, and I'm not leaving until I get it." The Madam figured, why not, so she told him to come in. Once in, she told him to pick any of the girls he liked. He asked, "Do any of the girls have any diseases?" Of course the Madam said no. He said, "I heard all the men talking about having to get shots after making love with Amber. THAT'S the girl I want." Since the little boy was so adamant and had the money to pay for it, the Madam told him to go to the first room on the right. He headed down the hall dragging the squashed frog behind him. Ten minutes later he came back, still dragging the frog, paid the Madam, and headed out the door. The Madam stopped him and asked, "Why did you pick the only girl in the place with a disease, instead of one of the others?" He said, "Well, if you must know, tonight when I get home, my parents are going out to a restaurant for dinner, leaving me at home with a baby-sitter. After they leave, my baby-sitter will have sex with me because she just happens to be very fond of cute little boys. She will then get the disease that I just caught. When Mom and Dad get back, Dad will take the baby-sitter home. On the way, he'll jump the baby-sitter's bones, and he'll catch the disease. Then when Dad gets home from the baby-sitters, he and Mom will go to bed and have sex, and Mom will catch it. In the morning when Dad goes to work, the Milkman will deliver the milk, have a quickie with Mom and catch the disease, and He's the son-of-a-bitch who ran over my FUCKIN' FROG!"

1balve

(Q)..... What's the difference between a lawyer and a rooster?

(A)..... The rooster clucks defiance.

1balel

Deadly eight iron.

Two buddies were playing a round of golf and off the seventh tee Brian sliced his shot deep into a wooded ravine. He took his eight iron and clambered down the embankment in search of his lost ball. After many long minutes of hacking at the underbrush, he spotted something glistening in the leaves. As he drew nearer, he discovered that it was an eight iron in hands of a skeleton! Joe immediately called out to his friend, "Jack, I've got trouble down here!" "What's the matter" Jack asked from the edge of the ravine. "Bring me my wedge," Brian shouted. "You can't get out of here with an eight iron!"

1bal0w

The farmer and the mule.

An old farmer had a wife who nagged him unmercifully. From morning til night she was always complaining about something. The only time he got any relief was when he was out plowing with his old mule, which he did as often as possible. One day, when he was out plowing, his wife brought him lunch in the field. He drove the old mule into the shade, sat down on a stump, and began to eat his lunch. Immediately, his wife began haranguing him again. Complain, complain, nag, nag; it just went on and on. All of a sudden, the old mule lashed out with both hind feet, caught her smack in the back of the head and killed her dead on the spot. At the funeral several days later, the minister noticed something rather odd. When a woman mourner would approach the old farmer, he would listen for a minute, then nod his head in agreement, but when a man mourner approached him, he would listen for a minute, then shake his head in disagreement. This was so consistent, the minister decided to ask the old farmer about it. So after the funeral, the minister spoke to the old farmer and asked him why he nodded his head and agreed with the women but always shook his head and disagreed with all of the men. The old farmer said, "Well, the women would come up and say something about how nice my wife looked, or how pretty her dress was, so I'd nod my head in agreement." "And what about the men?" the minister asked. "They wanted to know if the mule was for sale."

1bakx5

There was a bear and a rabbit.

There was a bear and a rabbit walking through the woods, right, and they found a magic lamp. Since it was dirty they decided to clean it. So when they were done with that a magic genie came out of the lamp. So the genie was like "I shall grant you both three wishes since you both found me." So the bear went first and said "I wish I was the sexiest bear in the forest", so the genie obliged. Next the rabbit went and he said "I wish I had a motorbike." Then for the bear's next wish he said "I wish all the female bears had the hots for me." So now all the girls loved this guy. Next the rabbit went and he said "I wish I had motorbike gear." And so now he had motorbike gear. The bear went next and he said "I wish all the other male bears were gone", and so he became the only male bear in the forest. The rabbit got on his motorbike and started to ride off. "What of your last wish, master.", and the rabbit said, for his third and final wish, "I wish the bear was gay".

1bahcb

A turtle was walking down an alley in New York

when he was mugged by a gang of snails. A police detective came to investigate and asked the turtle if he could explain what happened. The turtle looked at the detective with a confused look on his face and replied “I don't know, it all happened so fast.”

1bae9n

Micky and Minnie Mouse are in divorce court.

The judge looks to Micky and says: "Mr. Mouse, I don't think your wife being eccentric is really grounds for a divorce." Micky looks to the judge and says: "I didn't say she's eccentric, I said she's fucking Goofy."

1badm8

A man walks into a restaurant..

And decides to start his meal off with soup. The waiter brings him the soup and asks if there is anything else he could do. The man with a look of disgust asks the waiter "What is this fly doing in my soup?" The waiter looks into the bowl and says "He appears to be doing the backstroke."

1babem

Hippies say the darndest things...

What did the hippy say when he was told to get off the couch and get a job? Namaste (pronounced:nah I'ma stay)

1baafv

The Duck Priest

There once was a pond that many ducks called home, and near that pond was a small catholic church. Inside of that church was a duck priest and a small confessional with rarely any visitors One day, the duck priest was sitting around and a duck walked in and came to the confessional. The duck said to the priest "father, I have sinned." The priest responded, "Ok my son, what is your name and what do you need to confess?" The duck responded "My name is Duck and I blew bubbles in the pond." The priest then responded "Ok Duck, you've been forgiven but you know the rules, there's no blowing bubbles in the pond and you're banned from the pond for the week." Duck agreed and walked out, feeling better. Later that same day, a second duck walked into the Church and again approached the confessional, saying he had sinned. Again the father asked " What is your name and what do you need to confess?" The second duck responded "My name is Duck Duck and I blew bubbles in the pond." Again, the priest responded that Duck Duck had been forgiven, but was banned from the pond for the week. Duck Duck left feeling much better. Finally, right before the priest was going to go to bed, a third duck came in and approached the confessional. Because this was a busy day, the priest merely said "Let me guess, your name is Duck Duck Duck and you blew bubbles in the pond?" The third duck looked down at his feet and muttered "No, I'm Bubbles."

1baacl

The Blonde And The Lord

A blonde wanted to go ice fishing. She'd seen many books on the subject, and finally getting all the necessary tools together, she made for the ice. After positioning her comfy footstool, she started to make a circular cut in the ice. Suddenly, from the sky, a voice boomed, "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!" Startled, the blonde moved further down the ice, poured a thermos of cappuccino, and began to cut yet another hole. Again from the heavens the voice bellowed, "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!" The blonde, now worried, moved away, clear down to the opposite end of the ice. She set up her stool once more and tried again to cut her hole. The voice came once more, "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!" She stopped, looked skyward! and said, "IS THAT YOU LORD?" The voice replied, "NO, THIS IS THE MANAGER OF THE HOCKEY RING!"

1ba8ic

Sixteen sodiums walk into a bar...

...followed by Batman.

1ba6ba

So a priest and a rabbi are going to this new restaurant

The priest orders some baby corn, and the rabbi orders some salmon. After both are finished with their meal, the priest asks, "So, do we split the bill?" He looks up. The other seat is empty.

1ba5bk

There's a man with three daughters

There's a man with three daughters. The first daughter comes up and says "Daddy why'd you name me Daisy" the dad says" 'cause when you were born a daisy fell on your head." The second daughter comes up and says "Daddy why'd you name me Rose" the dad says "'cause when you were born a rose fell on your head." The third daughter comes up and says "kjaglifvgjlfj" the dad says "SHUTUP CINDERBLOCK" *Edit 1: removed hair color

1ba550

Knock knock

Whos there? G.I JOE!!!

1ba4bx

Why are black people afraid to fall asleep?

The last black person that had a dream got shot!

1ba3ju

WHAT KIND OF BAND PLAYS SNAPPY MUSIC?

A RUBBER BAND.

1ba2u9

Just some funny one-liners

1. Ninety-nine percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name. 2. Borrow money from a pessimist -- they don't expect it back. 3. Time is what keeps things from happening all at once. 4. Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math. 5. I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian. 6. Never answer an anonymous letter. 7. It's lonely at the top; but you do eat better. 8. I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it. 9. Always go to other people's funerals, or they won't go to yours. 10. Few women admit their age; few men act it. 11. If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made with meat? 12. No one is listening until you make a mistake. 13. Give me ambiguity or give me something else. 14. We have enough youth. How about a fountain of "Smart"? 15. He who laughs last thinks slowest. 16. Campers: Nature's way of feeding mosquitoes. 17. Always remember that you are unique; just like everyone else. 18. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps. 19. There are three kinds of people: Those who can count and those who can't. 20. Why is "abbreviation" such a long word? 21. Nuke the Whales. 22. I started out with nothing and I still have most of it. 23. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine. 24. Out of my mind. Back in five minutes. 25. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory. 26. As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools. 27. Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot. 28. Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep. 29. The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the ability to reach it. 30. You can't have everything; where would you put it? 31. I took an IQ test and the results were negative.

1b9xpx

What does a blonde do when her computer freezes?

She puts in in the microwave.

1b9vik

3 gay guys at a funeral.....

3 gay guys are at a funeral for their gay friend. He was cremated and his ashes were split three ways between them. They start talking and talking about what they will do with his ashes. The first gay guy says "My best memory of him was the time we spent on the beach together. I plan to spread his ashes in the ocean by the beach we spent that special time together." The second guy nods and says "Thats nice. My best memory with him is our time spent in the mountains. I'm going to those same mountains and letting his ashes fly." The third guy nods and says "Well, I plan to make a big pot of spicy, hot chili and mix his ashes in it and eat it all." Confused and startled, the first two gay guys say "Why in the world would you do that with his ashes??" Third guy: "I just want him to tear my asshole up one more time."

1b9ups

A football player...

A football player was convicted of a crime and sent to prison for several years. He went in as a tight end and left as a wide receiver.

1b9tr5

Do you know why black people are so good at basketball?

Because they steal, shoot, and run!

1b9t2u

"I think I have split personalities",

......Said Steve, being frank.

1b9q5x

Graham Gates | Facebook

Here is his YouTube channel too http://www.youtube.com/watch?nomobile=1&v=yIohIslPIMU

1b9nyy

What is long and hard on a Newfie?

Grade 1.

1b9jrj

What do you call a black guy having sex?

RAPE

1b9hb3

An 85 year old man walks into the doctors office...

... and demands the doctor to lower his sexual potency. The doctor looking confused replies "Sir, the only sexual potency you have is in your brain". Old man replies "I KNOW! I want you to LOWER IT!!"

1b9g9c

You know your life sucks...

when your job sucks, your car sucks, your house sucks, but your wife doesn't. - Sorry if it's a repost.

1b9fj1

There were two elderly people living in a nursing home...

Let's call them Fred and Ethel. Now both Fred and Ethel were widowers and got quite lonely. They would just go about their day, seemingly down all the time because their companion was no longer with them. Both of them would just stare vacantly at the tv watching reruns of older shows. One day, Fred walks up to Ethel and says, "Would you like to watch tv together?" Ethel looks up with a smile and says, "Yes." While they are watching tv, Fred asks Ethel if she would put her hand on his lap. He says that by doing this they can both feel that long lost connection of another human being. Ethel obliges but states that in no way would it lead to sex or anything of that sort. Fred seems fine with the arrangement. A week goes by and they watch tv together that way when one day Ethel succumbs to pneumonia. She is taken to the hospital and given antibiotics. She returns a week later to find Fred watching tv with another woman, Ruth. Devastated, she walks up to Fred and exclaims, "I can't believe this is happening. I thought we had something special Fred." Fred stammers out an apology. Ethel asks, "What is it that she has that I don't, Fred?" to which he replies, "Parkinson's."

1b9bqa

What has 9 arms and sucks?

Def Leopard!

1b9acy

Nice Smelling Hair.

Every day, a male employee walks up very close to a female co-worker at the coffee machine. He stops, inhales quite deeply and says that her hair smells nice. After a week of this, the woman can't stand it anymore. She takes her issue to a supervisor in Human Resources and asks to file a sexual Harassment grievance against the guy. The supervisor is puzzled and asks, "What's threatening about a co-worker telling you your hair smells nice?" "It's Frank. The midget."

1b96se

My friend has a butler who had his left arm cut off...

...serves him right!

1b966k

The seven day method of mouse problem resolution.

First, obtain a small wooden wedge with the thick end a couple of inches high, and with a shallow enough slope for a mouse to easily climb. Place it a couple of inches from a corner of the room, long end against one of the walls, high end facing the corner. Place a piece of cheese between the wedge and the corner. Erect a mouse-proof barrier, say a piece of glass, so as to force the mouse to go up the wedge to get to the cheese. It may take a day or two, but the mouse will eventually find and eat the cheese. This is now day one. Replace the cheese. The mouse will return that night and eat the new piece of cheese. Repeat until the mouse has eaten six pieces of cheese. This is now day seven. Do not replace the cheese. Instead, glue a fresh razor blade to the thick end of the wedge so the sharp edge sticks up three or four milimetres. Tonight, the mouse will run up the wedge, and move its head from side to side looking for the missing cheese.

1b9592

A midget walks into a bar

and slips on a pile of shit. A couple of minutes later, a huge tough guy walks into the bar and slips on the pile of shit. The midget says to the big guy, "I just did that", and the big guy punches the midgets lights out.

1b9544

What do you call a fat asian?

A chunk. (Chink)

1b90qx

A joke about babies and cocaine

What's the difference between a baby and a big bag of cocaine? Eric Clapton would NEVER let a big bag of cocaine fall out a window!

1b8xqw

Where did Mary go during the bombing?

Everywhere

1b8xbn

What do you say about a man with premature ejaculation and severe diarrhea?

Easy come; easy go.

1b8wxi

A man was sitting on a blanket at the ocean beach. He had no arms & no legs.

Three women, the first from England, the second from Wales and the third from Ireland, were walking past the poor man feeling sorry for him. The English woman said: "Have you ever had a hug?" The man said "No," so she gave him a nice warm hug and walked on. The Welsh woman said, "Have you ever had a kiss?" The man said, "No," so she gave him a gentle kiss and walked on. The Irish woman came to him and said: "Av ya ever been fooked before, Laddie?” The man broke into a big smile and said, "No I haven't." She said, "Aye Lad, ya will be when the tide comes in."

1b8wa4

What do Asians find hard in math?

Their dick.

1b8t8s

Tennis Elbow

One day Bill complained to his friend, "My elbow really hurts, I guess I should see a doctor." His friend said, "Don't do that. There's a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor. Just put in a sample of your urine and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it. It only costs ten dollars." Bill figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing. After a brief pause out popped a small slip of paper on which was printed: You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water. Avoid heavy lifting. It will be better in two weeks. Late that evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this machine could be fooled. He decided to give it a try. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction. He went back to the drug store, located the machine, poured in the sample, and deposited the $10. The computer made the usual noise and printed out the following message: Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. Your dog has worms. Get him vitamins. Your daughter is using cocaine. Put her in a rehabilitation clinic. Your wife is pregnant with twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer. And if you don't stop jerking off, your tennis elbow will never get better

1b8sph

Why is the Statue of Liberty a woman?

Because the head had to be empty in order to build a restaurant.

1b8sob

A priest, a pedophile and a rapist walk into a bar...

He orders a drink.

1b8pa2

A Guy Goes to the Doctor

A man goes to see the doctor and tells the doc that his penis has turned orange. The doctor looks at it and says, “I haven’t ever seen any thing like this before in my entire medical career. What do you do for a living? Do you work around any hazardous materials?” The man says no. The doctor asks the man what he does all day. The man responds, “Nothing.” The doctor is really puzzled now and says, “You can’t not do anything. What do you do at home all day?” The man replies, “Honestly, doc I, don’t do anything. I just sit around, watch porno flicks and eat Cheetos.”

1b8ouy

What's the difference a teckel and the United Nations?

There's none. They both have big hearts but a short reach.

1b8mlh

An Amish Woman

Amish woman(riding a horse and buggy) gets pulled over because reflector on her buggy is broken.. cop says, “you might want to have your husband look at your reflector” He notices a rope wrapped around the horse’s balls…”and ma’am, some folks might find that rope offensive”. The lady later makes it home and tells her husband about the event. “cop says the reflector is busted… and he didn't like the emergency brake neither”

1b8jov

A man went to the doctor complaining about erectile dysfunction...

A man went to the doctor and told him that he was having trouble maintaining an erection. After a complete exam the doctor told the man that the muscles around the base of his penis were damaged from a prior viral infection and there was nothing he could do for him. However, he knew of an experimental treatment that might work, if he were willing to take the risk. The treatment consisted of implanting muscle tissue from an elephant's trunk in the man's penis. The man thought about it for a while. The thought of going through life without ever experiencing sex again was just too much for him to bear. So, with the assurance that there would be no cruelty or adverse effect on the elephant, the man decided to go for it. A few weeks after the operation, he was given the green light to use his newly renovated equipment. As a result, he planned a romantic evening with his girlfriend and took her to one of the nicest restaurants in the city. She was leaning over the table in a low cut shirt, and sure enough he began to feel very uncomfortable. To release the pressure, he unzipped his fly. Suddenly his penis emerged from his pants, went to the top of the table, grabbed a roll, and retreated into his pants. His girlfriend was stunned at first, but then with a sly smile on her face said: "That was incredible. Can you do that again?" With his eyes watering, he replied: "I think I can, but I'm not sure if I can take another dinner roll in the ass."

1b8elt

A Man With Sticks in the Middle of Town.

A man is hitting two sticks together in the middle of a small town in suburban America. Another man walks up and asks, "why are you hitting those sticks together?" The first man replies, "I'm keeping the elephants away." Confused, the other man says, "but there are no elephants around here!" The man with the sticks calmly replies, "You're welcome."

1b8e26

why do woman get periods?

because they deserve them

1b8cgc

So I need help finishing a Joke... It can be told many ways... but the punchline. I'd like some gold.

(all using hand gestures while telling the joke.) So there is a mediocre musician in front of a decent audience performing his routine tricks. He coughs up some ribbon and the ribbon keeps coming from his mouth. He pulls a bird out of his sleeve and the bird drops like a stone then goes straight for the popcorn on the ground. He pulls his thumb away from his hand like grandpa used to do. BUT FINALLY, for his last trick! he takes his top hat off.. unzips his fly, sticks it over his pants and starts thrusting his hat. ___now this is where we insert the funniest place for a magicians penis to be____ one I came up with was that there was a guy in the third row confused at why his cheek kept moving.. another one was tiger woods was confused at why his ball kept popping out of the hole. etc... HELP!!

1b8bua

Two deer walk out of a gay bar...

...one turns to the other and says, "Wow, I can't believe I blew 50 bucks in there."

1b8852

So this young girl gets pulled over....

And the police officer asks the girl for her license, she says she doesn't have one, he asks why and she says because she has a bunch of DUI charges. Then he says can I see your ownership. She says I don't have one, he asks why not? She says because it's not her car, he says who's is it? She says the guy that's all cut up in the trunk. He stands back and calls for back up. A few minutes later another police officer comes up and says what seems to be the problem. She says nothing officer why? He says can I see your license and she says sure of course officer. He says can I see your ownership and she says of course, he says can I see in your trunk, so she pops the trunk and it's empty. So he says why did you tell the other officer you had no license, she says I never said that I bet he told you I was speeding too

1b85xe

You can tell that a train has a gambling problem...

When it spends all its time at the track.

1b84ov

Frying Eggs

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly her husband burst into the kitchen. "Careful ... CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful ... CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!" The wife stared at him. "What the hell is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?" The husband calmly replied, "I wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving!"

1b822o

What did the teacher call her intelligent yet self-harming student?

Her scar pupil.

1b819s

What do you call a hippo that swears?

A hippopottymouth

1b7qfj

There were 3 moles living in a hole...

One day, they wake up to the smell of pancakes cooking. The first mole sticks his head out of the hole and says "I smell pancakes!" The second mole sticks his head out of the hole and says "I smell syrup!" The last mole tries to stick his head out of the hole, but gets stuck behind the other two, so he said "All I smell is molasses."

1b7qbo

How does a black woman know that she's pregnant?

The baby starts picking cotton off her tampons. (aaannnd i'll see myself out)

1b7nkv

Guy's in a bar, moping over a beer.

Bartender comes up to him and says, "Well, Bill, what's wrong?" Bill says, "Said a little Freudian Slip to my wife the other day, now she's talking about leaving me." "Well, Bill, what'd ya say?" "It just came out wrong, now she's talking about a divorce." Bill buried his head in his hands. "Bill," the bartender said, putting his hand on Bill's, "what'd you say?" "I came down in the morning, I was all groggy, I sat down at the breakfast table, and what I meant to say was, 'Could you pass the Post Toasties?' How it came out was, 'You fat bitch, you ruined my life!'"

1b7mvx

Why did God invent Yeast infections?

So woman know what it's like to live with an irritating cunt!

1b7lp9

Why is it so expensive to divorce a woman here in California?

Because it's worth it.

1b7l0x

What's the opposite of Christopher Walken?

Christopher Reeve

1b7fkn

Don't hear many Limerick jokes any more. So I wrote one.

There was a man named Johnathan Hicks, who liked to write limericks. But his Poems were crude, and many lewd, so his balls were often kicked.

1b7fcl

Camping

Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson were going camping. They pitched their tent under the stars and went to sleep. Sometime in the middle of the night Holmes woke Watson up and said: "Watson, look up at the sky, and tell me what you see." Watson replied: "I see millions and millions of stars." Holmes said: "And what do you deduce from that?" Watson replied: "Well, if there are millions of stars, and if even a few of those have planets, it’s quite likely there are some planets like Earth out there. And if there are a few planets like Earth out there, there might also be life." And Holmes said: "Watson, you idiot, it means that somebody stole our tent."

1b7biq

Some funny pick up lines

Do you have a map? Cause I just got lost in your eyes. If your left leg is Halloween, and your right leg is Christmas, CAN I COME IN BETWEEN HOLIDAYS? My love for you is like diarrhea, i just can't hold it in. If i said you had a hot body, would you hold it against me? Nice legs...what time do they open? Um…I have a lotta money. Hey baby, did you just break wind? Cause you're blowing me away. Hey. Are you a parking ticket? Cause you got fine written all over you Do you work at subway? Because you just gave me a footlong. Well here I am. What are your other two wishes? You smell. Let's shower. Can I have your picture so I can show Santa what I want for Christmas. Why don't you come sit on my lap and talk about whatever pops up. I wish you were my homework so I could do you on the table. I'm blind. Can you hold my stick and show me where to go? Did you get those jeans on sale? Cause at my house they're 100% off. Excuse me miss, the word of the day is legs. Let's go back to my place and spread the word. Let's do math. Add a bed, subtract your clothes, divide your legs and multiply. You've been a very naughty girl. Now let's go to my room. I would buy you a drink but I'd be jealous of the glass. Are you an Advil. Cause I'd like to take you every 2-4 hours. Baby I wear a size 14 in men shoes. Do you want to thumb wrestle? Just with our tougues. If I had a nickel for everytime I saw someone beautiful as you, I'd have 5 cents. I just wanted to give you the satisfaction of turning me down. I'm trying to make your day. Sure it's just a needle but it moves like a sewing machine. Is your dress felt? Would you like it to be? You have something on your behind.... my eyes. Hey you look familiar. Have I seen you in my bed before? I'm not saying your a dog or anything but do you want a bone? Can I write your name on my forehead just in case I forget who's name I'll be screaming tonight and for the rest of the week? You must be on the color guard cause you make my flag rise. Is your name Daisy cause I wanna plant you right here? I fell down and bumped my head when you walked in the room so I need your name and number for insurance purposes.

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What do you call an overweight hobbit's belly?

His Middle Girth

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What is the difference between a bowling ball and a Romanian woman's Pussy?

If you had to, you could eat the bowling ball.

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A husband came home and found his wife laying naked on the bed

and asks her "Why are you naked, woman ?" "Because i have nothing to wear." "You have nothing to wear? You have a closet full of clothes !" He then goes and opens the closet doors and starts going through her stuff. "Look, you have one dress, two dresses, three dresses, Hello neighbour, four dresses !"

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My tribal name is sleeps in the river...

I was a bed-wetter

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A mother is talking to her three children.

Rose: Mom why did you name me Rose? Mom: Because when you were born a rose landed on your head. Petal: Mom why is my name Petal? Mom: Because when you were born a petal landed on your head. Blonde: My favorite color is potato! Mom: Shut the hell up Brick...

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Have you heard about the two guys who tried to steal a calendar?

They each got six months

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A husband and Wife from the States visit the Holy Land...

During the trip the wife tragically dies. A funeral director in Israel tells the husband that she can be buried in the holy land for $500, or shipped back to the US for $4000. The husband immediately says, "Let's ship her back to the states." The funeral director asks why, when it's so much cheaper to bury her her. Husband says "Someone else came back to life after 3 days being buried here before, I'd rather not take that chance."

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A man finds his friend drunk at a bar

His drunk friend is staring intensely at his soup. "Hey buddy, what's up? You ok?" "Nah man -slurs his friend drunkenly-, this soup man, it won't let me eat it" "What do you mean?" "It just won't let me eat it! It's impossible to eat!" "I'm sure you can eat it if you try" "IT JUST WON'T OK? You try and see for your self" The guy, amused, obliges, and tries his friend's soup, while the drunk friend stares in disbelief. "That's amazing! I've tried to eat it three times, and it just comes back into the bowl!"

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What is the difference between a blonde and a mosquito?

When you slap a mosquito it stops sucking!

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I need your best jokes about mammals. Can you guys help me out?

I need a good, clean, short joke about a mammal. I know this is an odd request, but maybe some of you will enjoy the challenge, or maybe you have some good ones you're just waiting to share. Let me have em.

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Did you hear about the fire at the circus?

It was *in tents.*

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Why dont cannibals eat clowns?

Because they taste funny.

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What's the best dating service in India?

Connect the dots. (I'll see my self out.)

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Why did the chicken cross the basketball court?

He heard the ref was blowing fouls.

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What is the difference between a physicist and a biologist?

A physicist is atoms studying themselves, while a biologist is cells that study themselves.

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Hey Guys! They brought back Angry Beavers! Isn't it great?

Its been renamed to The View, however...

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What's the difference between illegal and unlawful?

Unlawful is against the law, whereas illegal is a sick bird. Note: This obviously works better when told than read.

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Why did the mermaid wear sea shells?

Cause she was too big for B- shells! (my 6 year old niece likes to tell this joke)

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Pretty good for a joke that is a hundred years old.

A bashful cowboy, returning from the plains to civilized society after an absence of several years, fell desperately in love at first sight with a pretty young girl whom he met at a party. On leaving the house that evening the young lady forgot her overshoes, and the hostess, who had noticed the Westerner's infatuation, told the young Lochinvar that he might return them to the girl if he wished. The herder leaped at the chance and presented himself in due time at the young lady's house. She greeted him cordially. "You forgot your overshoes last night," he said, awkwardly handing her the package. "Why, there's only one overshoe here!" she exclaimed, as she thanked him and opened it. "Yes, Miss," said he, blushing. "I'll bring the other one tomorrow. Oh, how I wish that you were a centipede!" And with that he turned and sped away down the street.

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Two Zombies Are Having A Conversation..

Two zombies start talking about their past lives as humans. The main talker is rambling on and on about what he would have been. Suddenly, the second starts walking around normally, not stumbling into everything. The first is amazed and stares at him. "How.. did you do that?", he asks. The second realizes what he's doing and stops, looking back to the first. "Oh, I'm sorry. You just bored me back to life."

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How many Mexicans do you need working in the kitchen?

Just Juan.

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Why was Cleopatra angry?

She was on her pyramid. Stolen from Whose Line Is It Anyway.

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If you say "gullible" very slow, it sounds like "butterflies"

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Nice try hippy

So there is a hippy who gets on a bus. After getting on the bus, he spots a nun sitting by herself. He goes to sit with her and asks her, "Will you have sex with me?" And then the nun responds, "Oh, Heavens no." The hippy reaches his stop and passes by the bus driver on his way out. "Hey buddy, I know how you can have sex with that nun," says the bus driver. "How?" asks the hippy. "You see that grave at the top of that hill over there? She goes to pray there at 8:00 PM every night. Just dress up as a ghost and tell her to have sex with you as the dead man from the grave for his last wish. She'll have to do it," says the bus driver. Later that night at about 8:00, the hippy dresses up as a ghost and hides behind the grave until sure enough, the nun shows up and starts praying. The hippy jumps out and tells her to have sex with her as a dead man's last wish. She does and after they finish, the hippy pulls off his costume. "Ha! I'm the hippy!" He exclaims. "Ha! I'm the bus driver!" says the nun.

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What's the Cuban national anthem?

"Row, Row, Row Your Boat..."

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Adam's introduced to Eve (how I know it and it's a "repost" btw!)

So, one day God comes to Adam and says: "yo, listen up mofo, got something sweet as for you!" Adam, was just finishing up smoking a bong, looks up at God and say "cool bro, what is it?". God, hyper as fuck, is like "man, this is Eve she's gonna be like your own personal slave. You can do whatever you want.. just one thing" *Adam just finishes loading up his bong and is having another smoke* "so, it's like you stupid mofo can't let her into the ocean. That's the only requirement!" Adam's like "mhmmm... whateves dude". The next day was Monday, Adam wakes up, his morning wood tears through another one of his leaves, he's all pissed off because now he's got to go get a new one and it's in this tree and there's a fucking snake, anyway, that doesn't matter, he looks over to Eve and his morning wood almost punches him in the stomach. He's like "wtf?". He goes over to Eve, Eve's eyeing him up and down, licks her lips, at that moment, her leaf drops and she bends over to pick it up, the rest is history (up to your imagination). Tuesday comes, whilst Adam's doing Eve, his bong drops off her back and he notices there's another hole there, just a bit higher. What's a guy to do? He sticks it in there hoping for the best, and it is! Now Eve's making all these new noises and Adam's feeling very alpha. By Friday they're into bondage, he's even skinned one of the fluffy animals, in the garden of Eden, to make a spank table out of it. They're at it again, God rides his Harley by, looks at Adam, shakes his index finger and says "remember what I told you, douchebag!" Adam's like "yea whatev's bro!" Saturday, they're into hardcore BDSM, Eve's tied to a tree, snake and all, Adam's practicing auto erotic asphyxiation whilst he's slapping Eve, by Saturday night they're all bruised and feeling very satisfied. Sunday morning comes Eve wakes up, kisses Adam on the cheek and whispers "let's do it again" at this point Adam's exhausted, so he fumbles away and mumbles "leave me alone, even God rested on Sunday, do something else". Eve's like "ok, I'll go for a swim into the ocean, do some sight seeing, maybe pay that snake a visit, he was great last night". Eve walks on the beach, takes off her leaf, folds it and places it on the warm sand, giggles and goes straight into the ocean. At that point *poof, God appears and he's wearing steel cap boots. Starts kicking Adam and punching him in the head* Adam's like "wtf man? wtf? fuuuuck, stop!" punches and kicks don't slow down, they keep coming, and God thunders "what the fuck did I tell you, you imbecile?" Adam's like "I don't know, I was out of my mind smoking dope and shit man, fuck, stop!" God thunders again "Told you not to leave Eve into the ocean you stupid mofo!" Adam: "fuuuuuck stop man! what's wrong with the ocean?" God: "now we're never going to get the smell out of the fish!". *thank you and sorry to all of you who now hate me*

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Neighborhood Party

Joe moves onto a new property in some land near Yellowstone National Park - middle of nowhere, but beautiful. A few days after unpacking his stuff, Joe sees a pickup truck drive up his long and winding driveway. This cowboy type gets out of the truck and extends his hand with a greeting. They talk for a bit, when the cowboy says, "You should come over to my place on Friday night for an old fashioned hootenanny. It'll be great. There will be eating and drinking and dancing and fucking and fighting - just a grand ol' time!" "Sounds great," Joe says. "What should I wear?" "Don't matter," says the cowboy. "It'll just be the two of us."

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What's the difference between Santa Claus and Jews?

Santa Claus goes down the chimney.

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I'll have you know that my penis was once in the guinness book of world records...

But then the librarian yelled at me and made me leave the library.

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What do you call a fly with no wings?

A walk.