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1b4ubq

Three men walk into a bar...

You'd have thought the third one would have seen it.

1b4spe

What's the worst part about being a black Jew?

You have to sit at the back of the oven

1b4rfg

I'm getting hard

John and Bill are playing soccer. John misses the ball and it rolls into the bush. John goes to get it. After a little while Bill notices that John is not back. Bill goes to investigate. Bill: "John, are you OK? Why are you still in the bush?" John: "Hey, come look! There is a naked woman bathing in the lake!" Bill upon hearing that goes and looks and then sprints out from under the bush and starts running. John chases after him and asks Boy 1 "What's wrong? Why are you running?" Bill then replies "My Mom said that if I see a naked woman, I will turn to stone and I feel something getting hard!"

1b4pwm

A good April Fools joke to pull on Facebook.

Post on your Facebook that funeral arrangements for yourself will be posted later in the day and don't answer your phone or respond to any messages. I did this one year and had a ton of people think I was dead.

1b4mck

The other day I was in charge of finding a caterer for this big event I was hosting.

Through a lucky series of events, I was able to book Bobby Flay’s brother for the night! I thought it would be great, but once he cooked it all, the main course was terrible and people were complaining about food poisoning the whole night. Moral of the story: Don’t judge a cook by his brother.

1b4gzx

Boyscouts vs. Jews

What is the difference between a boyscout and a jew? ... Boyscouts come back from their camps.

1b4lj8

Ali Ali

There was a scare in the Middle East when famous political figure, Ali Ali was hospitalized because of a dangerously high amount of toxins in his bloodstream. After 5 hours of surgery and blood transfusions, everything is alright now because he is Ali Ali, toxin free.

1b4kn6

A girlfriend is like a good joke.

If I told you I had one, you'd probably laugh.

1b4i5m

What's the difference between inlaws and outlaws?

Outlaws are wanted.

1b4hy3

"Figs! I said figs!" shouted the Lord at the Westboro Baptist Church.

the Almighty continued, "Figs are what I hate! For they are too sweet, and dry too fast!". He Then shook his head in disappointment, and said onto them "This is the last time that I play telephone with you guys!".

1b4grc

Just like every year, this April 1st will mark a day were people around the world fall for silly fibs and wildly embellished stories.

Then they will fall for April Fools jokes.

1b4a6i

When Zelda watches porn...

...does she use adult Links?

1b43lb

What is the difference between a dealer and a hooker?

A hooker can wash her crack and sell it again!

1b403w

A drunk stumbles out of the bar at 7am....

As he walks home, he sees a nun walking towards him. He stares her down the entire time as they get closer and closer. Right as they are about to pass, he punches her right in the face, knocking her out cold, then stands over her body and yells, "Not so tough today, are ya, Batman?".

1b3zd1

How many surrealists does it take to change a light bulb?

fish.

1b3y89

The kids in school are asked to say nouns that represent things that can be eaten..

"Apple", says a child. "Very good !", the teacher agrees. "Bread !" says another. the teacher agrees again. "Lamp !", says a kid from the back of the class. Puzzled, the teacher asks him how are lamps edible, so the boy explains. "Yesterday, as i was passing by my parrents' bedroom, i overheard my dad say to my mom: Turn off that lamp and just put in your mouth !"

1b3wsn

I got rid of 300 unnecessary lbs after 6 months.

The divorce papers are finalized today.

1b3uen

I was an army sniper, until I was discharged.

It must have been my accuracy. It was very hit and miss.

1b3tks

How would a Muslim describe Castro's gay, atheist lover?

In Fidel.

1b3rkh

Thrifty therapy...

A couple, both aged 70, went to a sex therapist's office. The doctor asked, "What can I do for you?" The man said, "Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?" The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed. When the couple finished, the doctor said, "There's nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse." The doctor charged them $82 for the session. This happened several weeks in a row: the couple would make an appointment, have intercourse with no apparent problems, pay the doctor, and then leave. Finally the doctor asked, "Just exactly what are you trying to find out?" The old man replied, "We're not trying to find anything out. She's married and we can't go to her house. I'm married and we can't go to my house. The Sheraton charges $90 and the Hilton charges $108. We do it here for $82, and I get $68 back from Medicare."

1b3q1f

Definition of a really good friend.

What's the difference between a good friend and a really good friend? A good friend will help you move house A really good friend will help you move a body!

1b3mkk

Obstetrician career change

An Obstetrician decides that he's sick of his job and opts to become a car mechanic. For the next several months he attends night classes at his local technical college to gain his certification. A few months before the end of the curriculum, the entire class is informed that there will be a final individual exam that will constitute the majority of their grade and determine their certification status. The day of the exam arrives and the obstetrician walks into the examination room to find three instructors and a car waiting for him. His task is to disassemble the engine, then reassemble it in the given time limit. The obstetrician does his best, though fears that he may have made a few mistakes. A few weeks later he gets his results back and discovers he was awarded 150 points out of 100 on the test! He immediately rushes to his professor's office and asks about his score. The professor gives him a long look, then says, "Well, the first 50 points you received were for correctly disassembling the engine, the next 50 points were for reassembling it, and we gave you 50 points of extra credit for doing it all through the muffler."

1b3m1r

Studies show that Alabama, Mississippi and Tennessee have an obesity rate of over 30%.

Maybe they'll change their name from the Bible Belt to the Loosened Belt.

1b3lye

Blondes and their belly buttons

Why do blondes have bruised belly buttons? Blonde boys aren't all that bright either.

1b3lsy

How many women does it take to park a car?

A man.

1b3lql

April Fool's Day challenge.

Step 1 : Loose a lot of weight. Step 2 : Strengthen Neck Muscles as much as possible. Step 2.5 : Learn to breathe without making your body move noticeably. Step 3 : Buy a strong rope. Step 4 : Hang yourself in such a way that your breathing isn't restricted. Step 5 : Watch people freak out through slitted eyes. Step 6 : When somebody comes up to remove your "dead" body, open your eyes and shout "WHAT THE FUCK, DUDE!? CAN'T A MAN MEDITATE IN PEACE!?" or "APRIL FOOL!"

1b3kqx

The cardiologist was waiting for the service manager to come take a look at his bike when the mechanic shouted across the garage, "Hey Doc, want to take a look at this?"

The cardiologist, a bit surprised, walked over to where the mechanic was working on the motorcycle. The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, "So Doc, look at this engine. I open its heart, take the valves out, repair any damage, and then put them back in, and when I finish, it works just like new". "So how come I make $39,675 a year and you get the really big bucks $1,695,759 when you and I are doing basically the same work?" The cardiologist paused, smiled and leaned over, then whispered to the mechanic... "Try doing it with the engine running..."

1b3jc6

Little Johnny's Grammar Lesson

One day, during a lesson on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show of hands for who could use the word "beautiful" in the same sentence twice. First, she called on little Mary, who responded with, "My father bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it." "Very good, Mary," replied the teacher. She then called on little Steven. "My mommy planned a beautiful dinner and it turned out beautifully," he said. "Excellent, Steven!" Then, the teacher called on little Johnny. "Last night, at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was pregnant, and he said, 'Beautiful, fucking beautiful!'"

1b3dlk

On a limo driver's first day at work...

He was commisioned to drive the Pope to the airport within the hour. Unfortunately, being a new driver, he got lost. "It's all right, my son. I used to drive these streets in my youth. We'll get there in time." The Pope took the wheel with the limo driver sitting in the back seat. He drove like an expert, taking sharp turns easily. The Pope, not wanting to be late for his flight, didn't realize how fast he was going. Soon the red and blue lights flashed behind him. "It will be okay, son." The Pope reassured the limo driver, who was nervous about getting fired. The police officer walked up to the driver's side. The Pope lowered the window, to the officer's surprise. "Uh, do you know how fast you were going, your Holiness?" "I didn't mean to, sir. It won't happen again." The officer let the him off with a warning. He then called into dispatch. "Any problems, officer?" "No, ma'am...just stopped a really important person." "How important?" "Im not sure, but his driver was the Pope!"

1b3a1s

What did the vampire say to the teacher?

See ya next period.

1b39hk

Horses.

An out-of-towner drove his car into a ditch in a desolated area. Luckily, a local farmer came to help with his big strong horse named Buddy. He hitched Buddy up to the car and yelled, "Pull, Nellie, pull!" Buddy didn't move. Then the farmer hollered, "Pull, Buster, pull!" Buddy didn't respond. Once more the farmer commanded, "Pull, Coco, pull!" Nothing. Then the farmer nonchalantly said, "Pull, Buddy, pull!" And the horse easily dragged the car out of the ditch. The motorist was most appreciative and very curious. He asked the farmer why he called his horse by the wrong name three times. "Well...Buddy is blind and if he thought he was the only one pulling, he wouldn't even try!"

1b36gi

How many blonde jokes exist?

How many blonde jokes exist? One. This one. The rest are all true.

1b332x

Poor McGregor can't catch a break

A young Irishman sits down for a pint at his local pub, and soon the Scot on the stool next to him strikes up a conversation: You see the fishing pier out that window? asks the Scot. I built that pier with me own bare hands. But do they call me 'McGregor the Pier-maker?' No. And he takes a drink of his whisky. You see the beautiful bar you're seated at? I planed it down with me own achin' back. But do they call me 'McGregor the Bar-maker?' No. And he takes a drink of his whisky. You see that long, stone fence in the distance? I built that fence by meself, stone upon stone. But do they call me 'McGregor the Fence-maker?' No. And he takes a drink of his whisky. But you fuck one goat...

1b31d0

A guy sees his neighbor

Out in his backyard, so he decides to get acquainted. After introductions, he asks the new neighbor what he does for a living. The new neighbor says, "I'm a professor." The first neigbhbor then asks, "Oh yeah, what do you teach?" "Logic," the professor reponds. "What is that?" the neighbor inquires. "Well, let me see if I can give you an example...you have a dog, right?" "Yeah, that's right," neighbor #1 responds. "And you have children too, right?" says the professor. "Wow, right again!" exclaims the neighbor. "So, then you must be married and that would make you a heterosexual, right?'' proclaims the professor. "Unbelievable, you're absolutely correct. How do you know all this about me?" "Well," the professor says, "I observed there was a dog house in your backyard, so you must have a dog. I also saw bicycles next to your garage, so you must have children. And if you have children, you are probably married and if your married, you are most likely heterosexual... it was all logical!" The next afternoon, the neighbor runs into his old friend. His friend asks if he has met the new neighbor. The man says that he met him yesterday. "What's he like?" "Well," the man says, "he's nice and he is a professor of logic." "Oh," says the friend, "what's logic?" "Maybe I can give you an example. Do you have a dog house?" "Why, no, I do not," responds the friend. "Well, then," proclaims the man, "you must be gay!"

1b313z

Statistically speaking...(NSFW)

Nine out of ten people enjoy gang rape.

1b2z47

Another Smart(ish) Blonde Joke

Hot shot lawyer sitting next to a blonde on a plane. He's thinking to himself: "oh yea, let's make some quick cash off this bimbo". This is how it ensues: Lawyer: "Hi, we've got quite a long time sitting next to each other, so let's play a game, what do you say?" Blonde: "Ok, sure, what's the game about?" Lawyer: "I will ask you a question, if you don't know the answer, you need to pay me $20. Then you ask me a question, if I don't know the answer I'll give you $200. Deal?" Blonde: "Ok, sounds great! What's your question?" Lawyer: "What's the square root of 625?" *Blonde hands him $20.* Lawyer: "What a shame the answer was 25, what's your question?" Blonde: "What's triangular, but actually square with a hole in the middle, has three legs and runs up and down the hill?" Lawyer at this stage starts to sweat a bit, tie feeling a bit tight, takes his smart phone and starts Googling the crap out of this, can't find a thing... Talks to a few of his golf buddies, couple of CEOs, rings a few Zoos, finally he gives up and hands over $200. The blonde takes the money. After a while the lawyer starts losing his patience and sais: "ok, you got me what's the fucking answer???" *Blonde hands him $20.*

1b2r5r

Pickle Slicer

One day a man went into the doctors and said "Doc I really have the urge to stick my dick in the pickle slicer" The doc replied "Why would you want to do that anyway why are you coming to me?" so he left. The next week he came back and said "I did it i stuck my dick in the pickle slicer and got fired." the doctor asked "so what happend to the pickle slicer" "oh she got fired too."

1b2oyb

I bought some hard cider yesterday...

but I'm still waiting for it to melt.

1b2myf

Reddit: I'm looking for some offensive jokes, lets hear em!

It doesn't matter if you or I are offended, only that SOMEONE is offended.

1b2ma9

Sea captain joke

A young sailor is walking the docks and spots a sea captain, examining his deck. The sea captain has a peg leg, a hook and an eyepatch. The young sailor, curious, asks the captain "How did you get your peg leg?" The captain replies "Arrr it was a stormy night, and a gust of wind blew me of me boat. In the water a shark bit off me leg." The sailor then asks "How did you get the hook?" To which the captain replies "I was in a fierce sword fight with another bucanneer and the bastard cut off me hand." "Wow you are brave sea aged captain, but how did you get the eyepatch?" "Arrrgh a damned seagull pooped in me eye." "Why didn't you wipe it out?" "Twas me first day with the hook."

1b2lsd

A young women is at a rooftop bar alone...

She sees a cute guy alone too, she walks up to him and asks him "so what are you drinking tonight?" he says "magic beer." Confused she laughs and responds "magic beer? Prove it!" so he takes a sip and jumps off the balcony then proceeds to fly around the building. Amazed she dares him to do it again...so he takes a sip of beer and does it again. She calls for the bartender, "can I have whatever he is having?" The bartender sends over a beer - she takes a sip, jumps off the balcony then falls thirty stories and dies on impact. The bartender looks over at the guy and yells "you know Superman, you can be a real asshole when you're drunk!"

1b2kt5

News just in. There are reports that all the toilets have been stolen at Scotland Yard.

Police say they have nothing to go on.

1b2ibp

So the Enlarged Prostate and the Bladder are taking.

The bladder says " move I gotta pee!" the Enlarged Prostate smiles and says " Sorry but urine trouble."

1b2elo

The new priest and the confessional booth.

A newly ordained priest is about to do his first stint in the confessional booth. A bit nervous, he asks the bishop for some advice and guidance. "Son", says the bishop, "here, take this book, I've listed all the common sins and their penance so don't be nervous at all". Armed with the book, the priest waits in the confessional booth for people to come and sure enough, a young lad comes in and says: "Forgive me father, I have sinned; I made out with a girl yesterday night for a full hour." The priest looks in his book and finds Kissing and according to the punishment listed there, tells the lad: "Son, go say five hail Mary's and may The Lord be with you." Next comes in a woman, "Forgive me father, I have sinned, I am not married but yesterday I had mind blowing fucking with a man." The priest looks in his books and lo and behold, the sin of fucking is listed there so he tells the woman; "May The Lord forgive you my child, you must say 10 hail Mary's." Finally, a teenage girl comes in and says, "Forgive me father for I have sinned, yesterday after school my boyfriend fingered my pussy." The priest looks in his book over and over again but he can't find anything for "pussy fingering" - there's fucking, kissing, sucking, even dirty Sanchez listed in the book, but no pussy fingering. Finally, frustrated, he opens the confessional booth window, looks the girl straight in the eye and says, "Listen honey, why don't you go and fuck somebody and come back!"

1b2el4

What happened to the thick yellow liquid that committed a crime?

It was taken into custardy.

1b2eg0

Another little Timmy joke

Little Timmy is at home, waiting for his grandparents to come for Thanksgiving. He's really bored, so he decides to go scare his mother. He sneaks into her bathroom and yells 'BOO'. Lipstick smears across her face as she jumps and she screams 'SHIT'. Timmy looks at his mom and asks 'Mommy, what's shit?' 'Uhh, shit is makeup!' 'Ok mommy!' Since scaring his mom was so fun, he decides to scare his dad. He sneaks to the kitchen and yells 'BOO'. Blood spatters as his dad's kitchen knife cuts his finger. 'FUCK!' 'Daddy, what's fuck?' 'Uhh,' His father looked around and saw the half carved turkey 'fuck is.. cutting!' 'Ok daddy'. Dingdongdingdong. The grandparents are here. Timmy answers the door and says "Hello grandma and grandpa! Mommy's in the bathroom rubbing shit all over her face and daddy's in the kitchen fucking the turkey!' This is in response to [this joke](http://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/1b0sts/little_timmy_woke_up_one_morning_desperate_to_pee/). I said I'd post the version I heard, so here it is...

1b2c2x

what did the tampon say to the other tampon as they passed each other in the street? NSFW

nothing. they were both stuck up cunts!

1b27hu

I changed my major from being an actuary.

I just couldn't handle the risk.

1b26a7

what is the hardest part of eating a veggtable. might be offensive.

THE WHEEL CHAIR!

1b25p8

A pelican is flying over a pond one morning...

...when she spots a small group of minnows, abandoned by their parents. Filled with pity for the scared little things, she scoops them up and takes them back to her home, where she raises them as her own. A year later, a sparrow arrives at her home and tells her that the father of the minnows has demanded she return them to the pond so he can spend time with his estranged children. The pelican, who loves her adopted children very much, protests, and it is brought before the animal's court. When the verdict arrives, the order is that the minnows be returned to their pond, as the judge has declared the pelican an unfish mother.

1b24ei

How do you eat a vegetable?

First get her out of the chair

1b212g

Seeing another person with synesthesia...

is like music to my eyes.

1b1ysg

One day a beautiful young woman goes to the church confessional. (slightly NSFW)

One day a beautiful young woman goes to the church confessional. "Forgive me father", she says as she sits down in the booth, "I have sinned". "What is your sin, my child?" asks the priest as he eyes her curvaceous body through the holes of the booth window. "Father, I took the lord's name in vain, I said 'Goddamn' many times this week" she replies. "My child, why would you say such a vile thing?" asks the priest shocked. "Well, father," she replies "a man touched my boobs". "Is that a reason to say 'Goddamn' my child? Look, here, I'll touch your boobs" he says and opens the booth window and starts caressing her boobs. "See? there's no harm in this". "Yes father, but then he undressed me" replies the girl. The priest goes to her side of the booth and says, "My child, that is not a reason to say 'Goddamn', look here I will undress you" and he proceeds to undress her and says, "See my child? There's no harm in that". "Yes father, but then he fucked the shit out of me" replies the girl. The priest already raging horny, bends her over and starts plowing her, "See my child... ooh... yeah bitch take it... See... There's no harm in a good fuck... Why would you... Oh yeah, take it deep... why would you say 'Goddamn'... This is a good thing..." "But father I have AIDS", she replies. "You bitch!! Goddamn you to hell!!!!"

1b1yh6

Why did jillian fall of the swing?

She had no arms! Why didnt jillian get back up? She had no legs! Knock knock! Whos there? Sure as hell not jillian :)

1b1xyg

What do you call a horse with a broken leg?

Worthless

1b1vso

Medical School Entrance Exam...

When I was young (100 yrs. Ago) and my intent was to go to medical school, the entrance exam included several questions that would determine eligibility. One of the questions was "Rearrange the letters P N E S I to spell out an important part of the human body that is more useful when erect." Those who spelled "SPINE" became Doctors. The rest ended up in Congress.

1b1qpt

My local policeman does a tall on heroin.

I don't know why, we can never understand a word he says.

1b1pyh

Three men are hiking in a tropical jungle...

Three men are hiking in a tropical jungle when all of a sudden they are captured by a group of native warriors. These warriors bring the men to their village to see their leader. The leader tells the hikers "You will all be killed unless you complete my two challenges. The first of which is to bring back 10 of any kind of fruit." The hikers are all terrified and run in separate directions into the jungle. A short time later the first returns with 10 apples. The leader then says "Your second challenge is to shove all of the fruit up your ass or you'll be killed." As the first man is trying to complete the challenge he sees the second man come back with grapes. The first man gets to 4 but can't do anymore and is then swiftly beheaded. The first man is in the afterlife when all of a sudden the second man pops up next to him. The first man asks "What happened you had grapes?" "Well I got to 9 but I busted out laughing and they all shot out." "Why?" "When the third guy got back he was carrying pineapples."

1b1nj5

How do you know when your best friend is gay?

When his dick tastes like shit

1b1nds

What do you call the mythical cookie baking creatures with strong vaginal muscles?

The *kegel*-er elves.

1b1jg7

Harry is taking a stroll through the woods....

...when he finds a large hole in the ground. The hole seems ridiculously deep, so Harry takes a small rock and throws it down the hole. Then he listens for the sound of the rock hitting the ground below. He doesn't hear anything, so next he tries a larger rock. Still, no sound. He looks around for something larger, and he finds an old railroad tie. He lifts up the railroad tie and chucks it down the hole. Still no sound. Then out of NOWHERE, Harry sees a goat charging at him full speed from behind. Harry dives out of the way, then watches as the goat charges strait down the hole. Harry is sitting there, perplexed, when a farmer approaches Harry and asks Farmer: "Hey son, you haven't seen a goat around here have you?" Harry: "Actually, Yes I did! It was the strangest thing, a goat just charged me full speed! I was just able to get out of the way. THEN the goat ran strait down that hole over there" as Harry points to the hole. Farmer: "That's impossible, I tied that goat to a railroad tie"

1b1haj

What's the difference between a fraternity and a gang?

Gangs don't have to pay for friends.

1b1drv

Finally, a smart blonde joke.

A blonde walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer. She says she's going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000. The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan, so the blonde hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce. The car is parked on the street in front of the bank, she has the title and everything checks out. The bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan. The bank's president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the blonde for using a $250,000 Rolls as collateral against a $5,000 loan. An employee of the bank then drives the Rolls into the bank's underground garage and parks it there. Two weeks later, the blonde returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41. The loan officer says, "Miss, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. We checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?" The blonde replies..... "Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?"

1b1ce1

I was working at the butchers yesterday and a man comes in looking for a small chicken.

I asked him to describe it so we can look for it together.

1b1bwk

The clock was hungry...

So he went back four seconds

1b18z0

The police finally catch a notorious criminal,

so the chief himself decides to interrogate him. Chief: "Let me see here, you have quite the backstory. Theft, forgery, burglary, forgery, blackmail, theft, forgery, forgery, forgery, the list goes on and on. What do you have to say for yourself?" Criminal: "Well, it took me a while to figure out my area of expertise."

1b15l0

Paybacktime

A man left for work one Friday afternoon. But, being payday, instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend partying with the boys and spending his entire paycheck. When he finally appeared at home, Sunday night, he was confronted by a very angry wife and was barraged for nearly two hours with a tirade befitting his actions. Finally his wife stopped the nagging and simply said to him. "How would you like it if you didn't see me for two or three days?" To which he replied. "That would be fine with me." Monday went by and he didn't see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results. But on Thursday, the swelling went down just enough where he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye

1b159z

Haegel, Nietzsche and Aristotle walk into a bar...

Why?

1b1591

My favorite koan

One afternoon a student said "Roshi, I don't really understand what's going on. I mean, we sit in zazen and we gassho to each other and everything, and Felicia got enlightened when the bottom fell out of her water-bucket, and Todd got enlightened when you popped him one with your staff, and people work on koans and get enlightened, but I've been doing this for two years now, and the koans don't make any sense, and I don't feel enlightened at all! Can you just tell me what's going on?" "Well you see," Roshi replied, "for most people, and especially for most educated people like you and I, what we perceive and experience is heavily mediated, through language and concepts that are deeply ingrained in our ways of thinking and feeling. Our objective here is to induce in ourselves and in each other a psychological state that involves the unmediated experience of the world, because we believe that that state has certain desirable properties. It's impossible in general to reach that state through any particular form or method, since forms and methods are themselves examples of the mediators that we are trying to avoid. So we employ a variety of ad hoc means, some linguistic like koans and some non-linguistic like zazen, in hopes that for any given student one or more of our methods will, in whatever way, engender the condition of non-mediated experience that is our goal. And since even thinking in terms of mediators and goals tends to reinforce our undesirable dependency on concepts, we actively discourage exactly this kind of analytical discourse." And the student was enlightened.

1b100t

I saw a guy at an ATM with no arms, and a peg leg

He asked if I would help him check his balance... so I pushed him over

1b0yqd

What do you call an army of lesbians?

Militia Etheridge

1b0xmf

Eskimos..

What do eskimos do when it gets cold? They go into their igloos and sit around a candle. What do they do when it gets even colder? They turn on the candle.

1b0x63

Why don't orphans play hide and seek?

Because no one will look for them.

1b0vlw

Why did the blonde wear green lipstick?

Because red means stop ;D

1b0vd0

spanish oysters

An English man stopped at a local restaurant following a day roaming around in Andalucía. While sipping his beer, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful. He asked the waiter, 'What is that you just served?' The waiter replied, 'Ah senor, you have excellent taste! Those are called Cojones de Toro, bull's testicles, from the bull fight this morning. A delicacy!' The man said, 'What the heck, bring me an order.' The waiter replied, 'I am so sorry senor. There is only one serving per day because there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy.' The next morning, the man returned, placed his order, and that evening was served the one and only special delicacy of the day. After a few bites, inspecting his platter, he called to the waiter and said, 'These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday.' The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, 'Si, Senor. Sometimes the bull wins.

1b0uov

A Priest is working in a confessional...

It's a slow day, and after awhile he finds himself in need to use the restroom. Unable to leave the confessional unattended, he calls over the church's janitor. "I'm sorry, but would you mind covering my post for a short bit? It's the easiest thing in the world, all you need to do is sit here, and if anyone comes in, just consult this guide-book: it has every possible sin in it and what you should say in response." The janitor agrees and the priest heads off to the bathroom, wouldn't you know it, as soon as he leaves, a teenage girl comes in to confess. With no other choice, the janitor tries as best as he can. "Tell me your sins, child." "Well Father, me and my boyfriend... the other day... we kissed." The janitor flips through the book, finds kissing. "say one hail mary and don't do it again." "The thing is Father... we actually did a bit more than that... we had sex." The janitor flips through the book, finds premarital sex. "say two hail mary's and don't do it again. "well... in all honesty, Father... my boyfriend is a bit kinky... and we actually did anal..." "You've got to be kidding me," thinks the janitor. He flips through the book, but as hard as he looks, he can't find the entry for anal sex, it is simply not in the guidebook. Now the janitor is starting to freak, worried both he and the priest will be found out, and that he could loose his job. Quickly, he peaks outside the confessional door and spots an altar boy walking by. "psssst." hisses the janitor, calling the alter boy over, "quick, what does Father O'Thomas give for anal?" The alter boy thinks for a moment then replies... "Two Butterfingers and a ride home?"

1b0sts

Little Timmy woke up one morning desperate to pee.

He bounded out of bed and hurtled across the landing to the main bathroom. Eager not to cause an upset, he carefully prised open the bathroom door. In the bathroom, Timmy's sister, Lucy, was shaving her legs. Unfortunately, she caught a spot on her razor, causing a stab of pain. Blood started to trickle all down her shin. "Oh, you cunt." muttered Lucy. Curious little Timmy poked his head through the door. "Lucy, what does 'cunt' mean?" Timmy's aggravated sister shot a glare at her little brother. "It's another word for legs. Now get out and give me some peace!" Lucy reached over for the toilet paper to try to dam the blood, while Timmy wisely made himself scarce. Timmy was still in an urgent need of bladder relief, so he decided to hop over to his Mum and Dad's bedroom to see if the toilet next door was available. In the master bedroom, Timmy's father was rushing to get ready for work. More specifically, he was rifling through his drawers trying to find a matching pair of socks. Triumphant, he energetically slammed the drawer shut, right on to his left hand. "Oh, bollocks!" he yelled, wincing and grabbing his paw. Inquisitive little Timmy had watched the whole incident through a crack in the door. He peered his head round and chirped "Dad, what does 'bollocks' mean?" Timmy's quick-thinking father darted his gaze over to his youngest and smiled "Hey little man! 'Bollocks' is just another word for fingers! Would you mind going downstairs while Daddy gets ready for his job? There's a good sport!" Timmy slunked out of the doorway. Knowing he didn't have long to go before wetting himself, he hopped down the stairs to use the downstairs toilet. To his relief he found it was unoccupied and he helped himself to a much-needed pee. Once he finished up he skipped over to the kitchen to grab some breakfast. In the kitchen Mum was frantically trying to get everything ready for the morning. The latest task on her list was trying to feed the family dog, who was skating around the kitchen with a sense of urgency that animals normally reserve for when they are on fire. Mum managed to fork a handful of dog food into the bowl before the dog gave it an energetic kick, spraying flecks of processed chicken and jelly over Mum's pyjamas. "Oh, you fucking dog..." whined Timmy's mother in desperation. Curious Timmy looked at his mother in puzzlement. "Mummy, what does 'fucking' mean?" Timmy's mother looked at Timmy, embarrased and frustrated at being caught hurling an expletive in front of her young son. "Oh, it's just another way of saying 'feeding', sweetie..." Timmy's mother was thankfully saved by the doorbell. "Hey, why don't you see who's at the door sweetheart? I think it's your grandma!" Excitedly, Timmy sprinted to the front door and strained to open the top latch. Sure enough, it was Timmy's dear old grandmother, with a sweet grin on her face for her beloved little grandson. "Hello Timmy! Are you the only one up? Where is the rest of the family?" Timmy stood proudly at the door and exclaimed "Well, Lucy is in the bathroom shaving her cunt, Daddy's just trapped his bollocks in a drawer, and Mummy's in the kitchen fucking the dog."

1b0rh1

One day God is walking on Earth and a man approaches him.

Man: "Hey God, isn't 1 million years like a second to you?" God: "Hm, that's pretty accurate. 1 million years is like a second to me" Man: "Then 1 million dollars would be like... a penny to you, wouldn't it?" God: "Yes, a million dollars would be like a penny to me." Man: "Then, can I have 1 million dollars?" God: "Sure. Just a sec."

1b0r68

What do Princess Diana, Kurt Cobain, and Pink Floyd all have in common?

Their last big hit was the wall.

1b0os4

A man on a plane keeps sneezing

A man sitting on a plane keeps sneezing, and every time he sneezes he puts tissues down his pants. The man sitting next to him asks, "why do you put tissues down your pants every time you sneeze?". The man replies, "because I ejaculate every time I sneeze". The man sitting next to him says, "that's awful! Are you taking anything for it?" The man replies "pepper".

1b0n4k

I figured something was fishy with my doctor

when he was giving me a rectal exam, but he had both hands on my shoulders.

1b0m49

What has more brains than Kurt Cobain?

The wall behind him.

1b0lz3

Why does a chicken coup have two doors?

If it had four doors it would be a chicken sedan!

1b0lrk

Another masochist joke. Self post. hope you guys like it!

Self post! Just wanted to share it because i like it. A sadist, a masochist, a murderer, a necrophile, a zoophile and a pyromaniac are all sitting on a bench in a mental institution, bored out of their minds. "How about having sex with a cat?" asked the zoophile. "Let's have sex with the cat and then torture it," says the sadist. "Let's have sex with the cat, torture it and then kill it," shouted the murderer. "Let's have sex with the cat, torture it, kill it and then have sex with it again," said the necrophile. "Let's have sex with the cat, torture it, kill it, have sex with it again and then burn it," said the pyromaniac. Silence took over... and the masochist says: "Meow."

1b0lni

"Fourteen!"

a man walks by a mental hospital and over the wall he can hear the patients saying,"Fourteen" over and over again. The wall is too high to see over and as he walks along it he sees a small hole. Bending down to look through and see why they are chanting "Fourteen", he can see some movement. All of a sudden a stick pushes through into his eye! Then he hears...Fifteen!...Fifteen!...Fifteen!!!

1b0l5k

A man joins the navy...

A man joins the navy and is shipped out immediately to an aircraft carrier in the middle of the Pacific Ocean. The captain is showing the new recruit around the ship, when the recruit asks the captain what the sailors do to satisfy their urges when they're at sea for so long. "Let me show you," says the captain. He takes the recruit down to the rear of the ship where there's a solitary barrel with a hole in it. "This'll be the best sex you'll ever have. Go ahead and try it, and I'll give you some privacy." The recruit doesn't quite believe it, but he decides to try it anyway. After he finishes up, the captain returns. "Wow! That was the best sex I've ever had! I want to do it every day!" "Fine. You can do it every day except for Thursday." "Why not Thursday?" "That's your day in the barrel."

1b0kum

Lipstick Girls

A principal of a small middle school had a problem with a few of the older girls starting to use lipstick. When applying it in the bathroom they would then press their lips to the mirror and leave lip prints. Before it got out of hand he thought of a way to stop it. He gathered all the girls together that wore lipstick and told them he wanted to meet with them in the ladies room at 2pm. They gathered at 2pm and found the principal and the school custodian waiting for them. The principal explained that it was becoming a problem for the custodian to clean the mirror every night. He said he felt the ladies did not fully understand just how much of a problem it was and he wanted them to witness just how hard it was to clean. The custodian then demonstrated. He took a long brush on a handle out of a box. He then dipped the brush in the nearest toilet, moved to the mirror and proceeded to remove the lipstick. That was the last day the girls pressed their lips on the mirror.

1b0kjt

A man wakes up one morning with the filthiest hangover and no recollection of the night before.

Slowly opening his eyes, he sees a bottle of aspirin and a glass of water on the bedside table. He looks around the room to find his clothes are on the dresser, neatly folded, with a clean shirt on top. The bedroom is immaculate. On the bedside table is a note, which says, "Darling, your breakfast is in the kitchen. I love you." Downstairs, he finds his favourite cereal, croissants, fresh OJ and freshly brewed coffee laid out waiting for him, along with the morning paper - and his 15-year-old son, who is finishing his own breakfast. 'Tell me, son,' he asks, 'what happened last night?' 'Well, says the boy, 'you came home so blind drunk you didn't even know your own name. You nearly broke the door down, then you were sick in the hallway, then you knocked the furniture over and when Mum tried to calm you down, you thought she was the police, so you gave her a black eye." 'Christ!' says the man. "Then how come my clothes are all folded, the house is tidy and my breakfast is ready?' 'When Mum dragged you into the bedroom and tried to get your trousers off to put you into bed, you shouted at her, "Get your filthy hands off me, you whore, I'm married!'' <Credit: I ripped this joke off, verbatim, from Irishjokes.com. I thought it was funny enough to share here>

1b0hl3

Two Mexican Brothers

So two brothers, Ramon and Emelio, escape from a prison deep in the Mexican desert. They run for days and days through the hot and and the heat begins to take its toll. They are getting hungrier and thirstier and, all in all, more and more exhausted. Suddenly, Ramon collapses. He looks up, reaching out his hand. "Emelio, look!" Emelio looks, he sees nothing. "Ramon, what's wrong? What is it?" "Look at that tree, Emelio! Bacon sprouts from its branches! We are saved!" "Ramon, it's just a mirage, there's nothing there!" Ramon summons up all his strength and runs for the tree, Emelio still protesting that it's nothing but a mirage. Five prison guards pop up from the sand and fire on Ramon, knocking him to the ground, fatally wounded. Emelio runs to his brother's side. "Jesus, Ramon, are you okay?" "Emelio...it wasn't a bacon tree...it was a hambush"

1b0flh

A Brit, a Frenchman, and a Russian are admiring a painting of Adam and Eve in Eden.

The Frenchman says "they must be French, look at them, they are naked and eating fruit". The Brit says "No, they are English, look how politely the man offers the woman the fruit". The Russian says "You are both wrong, they are Russian. They have nothing to wear, nothing to eat, and think they are in paradise

1b0a3p

I didn't choose the pervert life,the pervert life chose me.

1b09kl

How do you know when your best friend is gay?

When his dick tastes like shit

1b06ha

A man sold his soul to the devil in order to get back the full head of hair he had as a young man.

There was hell toupée.

1b03gl

What's the difference between people in Dubai and people in Abu Dhabi?

People in Dubai don't watch the Flinstones, but people in Abu Dhabi do.

1b01od

A priest and a rabbi

are sitting in a park watching some kids play. The priest turns to the rabbi and says "Man, I really wanna fuck these kids." The Rabbi replies "Outta what?"

1b014n

I was shopping in asda today....

I was shopping in Asda today and there was a weird looking child running around like a lunatic. I said to the bloke standing next to me, "that is one ugly fucking kid." He looked at me and snarled, "do you mind, that's my son over there." I smiled and said, "I'm sorry, I didn't realise you were his dad." He said, "I'm not his dad. I'm his mother!"

1b00ri

Just another Johnny joke

One day while Johnny's dad was just getting out of the shower Johnny looked down and said, "Dad what's that hanging between your legs?" "Oh Johnny that's my nerve and your's will be this big one of these days", replies Johnny's dad. Anyway the next day while in school Johnny really had to pee so he raised his hand and said, "Miss I really need to go to the bathroom." "No, not yet there's someone gone", says his teacher. Not able to hold it in Johnny walks to the garbage can and starts to pee. Surprised to see her student peeing in a garbage can in front of the whole class the teacher says, "My Johnny you have some nerve!" Johnny says,"That's nothing you should see my fathers."

1azzxs

Just an affair

A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One day, their passions overcame them and they took off for her house, where they made passionate love all afternoon. Exhausted from the wild sex, they fell asleep, awakening around 8pm. As the man threw on his clothes, he told the woman to take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass and dirt. Mystified, she nonetheless complied. He slipped into his shoes and drove home. "Where have you been?" demanded his wife when he entered the house. "Darling, I can't lie to you. I've been having an affair with my secretary and we've been having sex all afternoon. I fell asleep and didn't wake up until eight o'clock." The wife glanced down at his shoes and said, "You lying bastard! You've been playing golf!"

1azw2g

Ed Zachary

A man goes to see an asian sex therapist because he can't figure out why he can't get a girlfriend and have sex. The therapist says, "Take off yoo crose and craw on rug reery fass!" The man does what he's told and he crawls naked on the floor. The therapist says, "Stop! I have diagnosis. Yoo have Ed Zachary disease." The man asks, "What is that?" The therapist replies, "It when yoo face rook Ed Zachary rike yoo arse!"

1azqcs

The new pope visits a small church.

Upon hearing the news that the new pope would be visiting his small parish Father O'Leary decided to something special for the dinner. The morning of Pope Francis' arrival he went down to the docks and found a young member of his congregation and said, "I would like to help honor the new pope by contributing to the feast tonight. Would you help me catch a fish for the meal?" "I'd be glad to help!" said the young man. About an hour later and with the young man's help Father O'Leary finally got a fish on the line. As he was no fisherman he nearly lost it but with the boy's assistance the rather large fish was reeled in. "Wow!" exclaimed the young man. "I thought we'd lost him there for a second! Just look at it-- that is one huge son of a bitch!" Father O'Leary's smile from his success turned into a frown. "Young man," he said, "you forget yourself. I am a man of the cloth. You should not use such foul language around me." The young fisherman, thinking quickly, said, "No, no! You don't understand. That fish right there? It's a *sonofabitch*. Very common in these waters, you see, but this one is particularly large!" O'Leary looked at the flopping fish for a moment, considered, and then nodded. "Well... if that's its name then that's its name. And you're right, he is rather large! God has blessed us with a wonderful meal to serve our new pope." When Father O'Leary returned to his church he discovered that Bishop Conner had arrived during his absence. He explained to the bishop his plan for serving the new pope a special dinner that night. "A most wonderful idea!" said Bishop Conner. "If only I could also contribute somehow..." "Well," said O'Leary, "I was going to do it myself but if you'd like you may gut and clean the fish. I would warn warn you, though, that it is one very large *sonofabitch*." The bishop's cheerful smile disappeared. "Father!" he scolded. "Have you forgotten yourself!? How dare you use such language in a house of God!" "No, no, you don't understand," pleaded the priest. "That's the fish I caught, a *sonofabitch*. The young man who helped me catch it said that they are plentiful in these waters but that this is one of the largest he's ever seen!" "Ah, I see," nodded the bishop. "Well then, I wouldn't mind cleaning the sonofabitch for his Holiness!" After gutting and cleaning the fish Bishop Conner brought it to the Mother Superior. "Pope Francis will arrive for dinner soon," he told the elderly woman. "Please take special care preparing this meal. I have personally gutted and cleaned the *sonofabitch* but as you can see, this *sonofabitch* is very large." The mother superior's face drained of color and her eyes went wide at the Bishops words. "Wh-- wha--?" she stammered while clutching her rosaries. Bishop Conner, realizing his mistake, quickly said, "No, no, I know what you're thinking, Mother. Worry not, I have not profaned: this fish is what's known as a *sonofabitch*. There are many in these waters and this one is particularly large." "Oh!" the woman smiled in relief. "Forgive me, your excellency... I had never heard of such a fish. I shall begin cooking this *sonofabitch* right away." Later that evening the new pope honored his hosts by saying grace before the meal was served. Every dignitary from the village was there and each was able to enjoy some of that large fish during dinner. All agreed that it was a delicious, most wonderful course. Most complimentary of all, though, was the new pope. "This was truly exquisite," the pontiff said after clearing his plate. "Who do I have to thank for such a tasty and well prepared meal and from such a small and humble village no less?" Father O'Leary spoke first. "I caught the *sonofabitch!*" he proudly announced. Bishop Conner quickly followed, "I cleaned the *sonofabitch!*" The mother superior declared, "I cooked the *sonofabitch!*" Most of the guests at the table gasped in shock. The new pope's jaw dropped at first, too. After a long moment of total silence in the room though a smirk appeared on his face. He leaned back in his seat, eyed his hosts with narrowed eyes, and grinned. "You know what?" he said. "You mother-fuckers are all right."