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1aowqp

How can you tell if a fat chick is pregnant?

You can't.

1aou8u

A man walks into a hardware store

A man walks into a hardware store and asks the clerk for a faster way to cut down trees. "My axe isn't cutting it anymore, it's just too slow," he says. The clerk looks around for a bit and comes back with a chainsaw. "Here, this might be what you want." The man says, "Oh yeah, I've heard of those! I'll take it!" So the clerk rings him up. The man comes back the next day, holding the same chainsaw. "Hey, I think there's something wrong with the saw you sold me yesterday," he says. "I tried it out last night and it's even slower than my axe!" The clerk takes it from him and looks it over. "Well, there doesn't seem to be anything wrong with it..." He pulls the starter cord and the chainsaw starts running. The man jumps a bit and says, "Wait, what's that noise?"

1aotyl

How does Jennifer Lopez like her cheese?

From the block.

1aot26

A couple of nights ago, I was out for a few drinks with some friends and had a few too many beers...

Knowing full well I may have been slightly over the limit, I did something I've never done before - I took a bus home. I arrived home safely and without incident, which was a real surprise, as I have never driven a bus before and am not sure where I acquired this one.

1aolyl

The Cheerio Joke

Oh boy do i have a joke for you... Its called the cheerio joke. ------------------------------------- So there is this land called cheerio land and in cheerio land there are 7 classes of cheerio, 0-5 and the frosted cheerios. Now there is this level 0 cheerio. Hes homeless, living out on the street, probaly an alchoholic. But he falls in love with a frosted cheerio princess. So one day he sneaks into the royal gala and goes up to the princess and asks her "will you marry me?" Now she says "I like your style, youre a good looking guy, a bit scruffy but I like you. Tell you what I will marry you if you can become a frosted cheerio" So our guy goes back with a determination and gets a job and starts to pay off his debts. Now by having a job and his debts paid he becomes a level 1 cheerio. So he works, and he works, and he works, and he WORKS and he finally becomes a level 2 cheerio. Now he goes back to the princess and askes her again, "will you marry me?" she says "no honey you really do have to become a frosted cheerio first." So he goes back and he works and works, hes a fryboy at McGrubers or something, I dont care. So he works and he works and he gets promoted at the restraunt and is making more money. And he works and he works and he works and by having that income raise he finally becomes a level 3 cheerio. He feels sucessful for the first time in his life but he is starting to fall back on his old ways. One day he goes to the casino and he loses and he loses and he loses and he gambled all his money away and he gets fired to boot because gambling is against company policy. So he is back down to a level 1 cheerio. He gets a job on a production line at a nearby factory and determines himself not to fall back ever again. So he works and he works and he works and he works and he WORKS, level 2, level 3, and he is doing great again. He is promoted to Floor manager of the factory and he is doing great and becomes a level 4 cheerio. But then one day a rival company sabotages their operation by putting poison in their toothpaste or whatever the hell they were making. They have to pay out damages and PR and the like and they declare bankruptcy. He is knocked back down to level 2 for the lack in income. But he is hired almost straight away by a branch of a huge conglomerate because they recognized how hard of a worker he is. So he works, level 3, works, level 4, and he works and works and WORKS. So he is promoted to CEO of the branch that he works in. A few months pass and he is approaching level 5 status when the Head of the entire conglomerate decides to retire. He weighs his options for his replacement and sees our guy and what a hard worker he is and chooses him as his replacement. So our guy is now the CEO of a huge company, a level 5 cheerio and making Bill Gates level money and he finally becomes a Frosted Cheerio. So he goes to the princess and asks her again, "will you marry me?" and she says "Yes I will marry you now." So a few months pass and theyre at the wedding recption, they allready said their vows and the party is winding down. The newlywed wife tells her husband "Hey I'm thirsty, can you go over to the bar and get me a Gin and Tonic or something?" So the dutiful guy he is he went over to the bar and low and behold the bartender wasnt there. So he waits and he waits and he waits and he waits 15 minutes and the bartender still hadnt shown up so he decided he must have gone home since the party was winding down. So he went back to his wife and tells her the bartender wasnt there, can I get you something else? she replies: "Ok, its fine. Here take this dollar and go buy me a Diet Coke at the vending machine in the lobby. So he goes to get it and theres a line for the machine. It was the princesses wedding so obviously a lot of people would show up. So he waits and he waits and he waits in line and he finally gets up to the machine only to find that the prices were hiked because they knew they could gouge them. So he goes back to his wife gets another dollar and waits and waits and WAITS in lineonly to find once he finally reached the front that they were out of Diet Coke. So he buys a regular Coke instead and takes it to his wife. She throws it away saying she needs to keep her figure yadda, yadda, yadda. So she tells him to get a cup off the table and get her some water from the cooler. So he goes over there and there is a line there too so he waits and he waits and he waits in line and the cooler runs out of water 5 people ahead of him. So exasperated he goes back to his wife and tells her, look there out of water is there any other source of liquid in this damn place. So she tells him "screw it, just to go get some punch from the punch bowl." So he leaves, gets the punch, and comes back within a minute. She says "wow, that was fast. What happened? How did you get it so fast?" and he replies "Well it was a short wait because there was no punchline."

1aoqj7

I saw two priests eating dinner the other day...

... didn't know if I should send them a bottle of wine or an altar boy.

1aop7e

What do you call a horse that likes arts and crafts?

Glue.

1aoke4

What's the difference between humor and odor?

Humor is a shift of wit.

1aojs7

Friends are like motorcycles...

'Cause I wish I had a motorcycle

1aojjg

What's the difference between a dirty bus stop and a large-breasted crab?

One's a crusty bus station, and the other is a busty crustacean.

1aodqt

Why did the chicken cross the road?

To get to your place! Knock knock Who's there? Bak bak My chemistry prof said that one today

1aoh5p

What do you call a constipated pop star

A Bieber Dam

1aofz7

Two Middle Eastern men move to the United States.

After receiving dirty looks, and rude comments day after day, they soon figure out that they needed to "Americanize" themselves in order to fit in. Both men part ways on their journey to become Americans. The men do not see each other for five years, until one day they happen to bump into each other in a store. "Hello old friend!" says the first man. "It's been so long! I have certainly become a true American since I last saw you. I have a wife, two kids, and a dog. I live in a nice neighborhood in the suburbs in a two story house, I drive a prius and I have a job working in an office and I watch football every Sunday with my buddies and we drink beer and have barbecues! How American have you become my friend?" The second man simply replied "Fucking towel head."

1aofyb

You wanna know what makes me smile?

Face muscles

1aocsp

Who really appreciates a good fisting?

A sock puppy.

1aobkb

An Arab and a Jew walk into a bar...

and they have a blast!

1aobet

Why did the cop pull over the U-Haul truck?

He was trying to bust a move

1ao80m

A Jewish man and a Czechoslovakian man...

...were walking in a national forest. All of a sudden, a bear appeared and ate the Czechoslovakian man. The Jewish guy ran back to find someone to help. He found a Forest Ranger and told him what had happened. So the ranger took a gun and went back into the forest. There were two bears together. "Now there are only two bears on this mountain," the ranger explained. "One is a male, the other is a female. Which is the one that ate your friend?" The Jewish guy said it was definitely the male bear. So the ranger fired the gun and killed the bear, while the other ran away. When they cut it open to see, its stomach was empty. The moral of the story? Never trust a Jew that says the Czech is in the male.

1ao56l

"We don't serve time travelers..!"

A time traveler walks into a bar

1ao2jf

Terminator doesn't google himself

he uses Altavista baby.

1ao1yp

I have a new party trick. I swallow two bits of string and an hour later they come out my arse tied together...

I shit you knot!

1ao0o0

What did the Nazi Police Officer Give to the Schoolchildren?

What did the Nazi Police Officer Give to the Schoolchildren? SWAT Sticka's!

1anzjs

What did the Bra say to the Hat?

I'll hang around here, you go on a head.

1anxcg

What's the best way to grease a Ferrari?

Run over an Italian.

1anwom

What do you call a black brick with three holes in it?

A polish bowling ball.

1anqqu

A young man visits his girlfriend`s family for the first time...

He is really nervous and is doing his best to make a good impression. Dinner is served and he takes care to keep his elbows tucked in and tries not to stuff his mouth as he usually does. After a while, however, he feels the need to fart. At first he fights to keep it in, but eventually he stops resisting nature, and an audible and putrid fart is the result. "Rex!!" shouts the father to the family dog which is under the table. The boyfriend can`t believe his luck. Poor Rex has taken the blame for his fart. This means he can freely fluff his way through the meal. Five minutes later he farts again. "Rex!! This is your second warning!" shouts the father. The boyfriend feels sad for the dog, but relaxes all the same knowing that the father`s been fooled. Five minutes after that, the boyfriend farts again. The smell brings tears to his eyes. This time the father prods poor Rex with his foot and says, "Rex! Get out from under the table before this clown shits on you!"

1anprz

An Arab and a Jew

There was an Arab oil Sheikh that was in a coma and needed a blood transfusion to survive. Being AB+ it was hard for him to get a donor with the same rare blood type. Finally they found an old Jewish farmer that was listed as a blood donor with the same blood type. However he was very reluctant to give his blood to save an Arab guy. Finally after lots of discussions and pestering by doctors he agreed to donate only enough blood to help make sure the Arab guy was stabilized. After the blood transfusion and when the Arab guy is healthier, he sends the Jewish farmer a brand new John Deere tractor and a Cartier watch and $100000 as a token of appreciation. After a year, the Arab is requires another transfusion. The old Jewish farmer is contacted and this time is willing to give more blood. After the transfusion the Arab send the Jewish guy a box of chocolates and a bouquet of flowers. When the Jewish guy gets this he is furious as he is expecting much more since he gave more of his rare blood type. He contacts the Arab sheikh and asks him why he only gave him such a paltry gift? The Arab says, ya Akhie (brother) I have Jewish blood in me now….

1anp9u

Vampire walks into a bar...

he asks the bartender for a cup of hot water. The bartender looks at him and says "I thought you only drank blood." The vampire takes out a used tampon and says "I'm making tea."

1anor8

I hate my job ...

I'll try to sum this up by telling you about the people I work with. So firstly, there's this supermodel wannabe chick. Ok, she's pretty hot but she's completely fucking useless. The girl is constantly fixing her hair, or puting on makeup or something. She has to be the most self-obsessed person I and has never once considered the needs or wants of anyone but herself. She is as dumb as a box of rocks and frankly I'm surprised she has sufficient brainpower to continue breathing. The next chick is a polar opposite. She is possibly one of the smartest people on the planet. She has virtually endless career opportunities and yet, her she is with us. She is a 0 on a scale of 1 to 10. I'm not sure she so much as showers, much less shaves her 'womanly' parts. I think she might be a lesbian, as every time we drive by the hardware store, I swear to god she moans like a cat. But the jewel of the crowd, has to be the fucking stoner. Now, I'm talking more that your average pothead. In fact, the guy is baked before he comes into work, during work, and I'm sure after work as well. He probably hasn't been sober at any point in the last ten years and he's only 22. He dresses like a beatnik throwback from the 1960's, and on top of it all, he brings his huge fucking dog to work. Every fucking day I have to look at this massive great dane walk around, half-stoned from the second hand smoke. Hell, sometimes I even think he's trying to talk with its constant bellowing. Oh, and the both of them are constantly hungry, requiring multiple stops to burger king and McDonalds every day. So anyway, I drive these fucktards around in my van and we solve mysteries and shit.

1anmwy

What do you call a droid that always takes the longest route?

R2 Detour.

1anmc9

A little girl goes shopping with her dad

After the shoe shop, and the cake shop, she goes into the barber shop with her father. She stands next to the barber's chair, while her dad gets his hair cut, eating a snack cake. The barber says to her, "Sweetheart, you're gonna get hair on your muffin." She says, "Yes, I know, and I'm gonna get boobs too."

1anlz3

The contest

A man goes at a bar and he sees a poster which announces a contest "Ask the barman for a contest", the man goes to the barman and the barman tells him "You must pay the me 100$ to be in the contest. There are 3 rounds to win the contest and 100000$ The first one: You have to drink 2 bottles of tequila in 3 minutes. The second one: You have to remove a teeth from an angry bulldog The third one: You have to F*** an 80 old years woman" So the man pays the barman. At the first round he passes successful with no help. And now he is drunk and he goes in a room in which is the bulldog, the door closes, after 2 minutes a there are sounds like there may be a fight and other things. After the door opens he gets out and asks "So... where is the 80 years old woman which I must remove her teeth?"

1anis9

Whats the difference between love, ture love, and showing off?

spit, sallow, and gargle.

1anhxw

Been waiting at the bar for my wife to pick me up for hours now.

How long does it take to have a baby, for fuck sake!!!!!

1angoo

The Great Writer

There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great writer. When asked to define great, he said, "I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!" He now works for Microsoft writing error messages.

1anctj

Man lost in the desert

A man is lost in a desert in Australia. He crawls for day until he finds a road. He hasn't had water in days. He sees a sign on each side of the road. On one side it says hope, 4 miles, on the other side it says Mercy 3 miles. Naturally he chooses to go to Mercy. As he gets close he sees that Mercy is one shack. He crawls closer and he sees that the shack is or was a restaurant, he can't tell if it is even open. Finally he gets to the door and sure enough there is an old woman sitting behind a counter. He asks her for some water and explains he has been lost in the desert for days. Without getting up she looks down at him and says, "no water, but we have tea made from Koalas." "Fine" he says, "please may I have a cup?" She brings him a cup and it is brown and full of bones and fur. He asks "if she could please have a cup without bones and fur." She says, "The Koala Tea Of Mercy Is Not Strained."

1an994

Just got a gift for my dog.

I bought my dog a cute toy from the pet shop and she immediately broke it. I demanded my money back but the manager said they won't refund a dead hamster.

1an8zf

First Date

A Man and a Woman are on their first date …. Lady: Do you drink? Man: Yes Lady: How much a day? Man: Three six packs Lady: How much per six pack? Man: About $10.00 Lady: And how long have you been drinking? Man: 15 years Lady: So, one six pack costs $10.00, and you have three six packs a day, which puts your spending each month at $900. In one year, it would be $10,800 -- correct? Man: Correct Lady: If in one year you spend $10,800, not accounting for inflation, the past 15 years puts your spending at $162,000 -- correct? Man: Correct Lady: Do you know that if you hadn't drunk that beer, that money could have been put in a step-up interest savings account; and, after accounting for compound interest for the past 15 years, you could have now bought a Ferrari? Man: Do you drink? Lady: No Man: Where's your fucking Ferrari?

1an8s4

So a horse comes into a bar...

wait crap, I meant a guy... So this horse cums in to a guy (credit to cyanide and happiness)

1an5pf

Autocorrect is a great feature...

but it can also be your worst enema.

1an5ce

Two Gay Guys are walking down the beach.....

Two White Gay guys are walking down the beach when they see a lantern in the sand. The one guy rubs the lantern poof, out comes a Genie. The gene tells the two guys that he will grant one wish between the two of them. The guys argue back and forth on what they want the wish to be and the Genie becomes impatient. He tells the two guys that they can figure it out at any time, just one of the guys needs to say the wish and it will come true. Later on that night the two men are at their home when they hear lots of people outside. They look outside and there is a crowd of people outside yelling and screaming. The door gets knocked in and the two men are grabbed out of the house, hoods put on them and thrown into the back of a van. After driving for a little while, the van stopped and the two men were escorted out of the van. When their hoods were pulled off they could see men dressed in White Hoods and burning crosses all around them. And in the center, they could see two ropes hanging from a tree..... The one guy says to the other one Hurry, we need to use our wish and get out of this mess. The other guy looks back with a guilty look on his face and says "Shit, I already used the wish. I wished we were hung like two black guys." Edit: I cant spell

1an53a

Have you ever been to an Amish party?

Those guys really raise the roof!

1an4g3

Who the hell names food anyway?

I recently started a new job and soon realized that some crazy fool was giving names to all of the food in the break room refrigerator. Today I had a tuna sandwich named 'Bob'.

1an1ye

[OC] What did the disgruntled barber give to the prince?

A bad heir day.

1an1qe

Why is there the occasional black Jew?

Because Hilter kept them in the oven for too long.

1amydp

Latvian Joke

Man sits in broken cottage with daughter. Man is cold and hungry. Man not have potato for days. "Knock, knock" is heard at door. "Who there is" man say. "Politburo" "Politburo who" say man. Politburo burst in cottage rape daughter. Man now cold, hungry and sad.

1amxbk

Women as Expressed in a Formula

To find a woman you need time and money, Therefore we can state that: Women = Time X Money Time IS Money Therefore: Time = Money So Women = Money X Money or Women = (Money)2 Money is the root of all problem so Money = Sqrt(Problems) Therefore Women = Sqrt(Problems)2 Which can be reduced down to: Women = Problems quod erat demonstrandum

1amv6b

The big sale.

It was the day of the big sale. Rumors of the sale (and some advertising in the local paper)were the main reason for the long line that formed by 8:30, the store's opening time, in front of the store. A small man pushed his way to the front of the line, only to be pushed back, amid loud and colorful curses. On the man's second attempt, he was punched square in the jaw, and knocked around a bit, and then thrown to the end of the line again. As he got up the second time, he said to the person at the end of the line... "That does it! If they hit me one more time, I won't open the store!"

1amu7i

Religion is all about who you DON'T recognize.....

Jews don't recognize Jesus as the son of God, Protestants don't recognize the Pope, and Baptists don't recognize each other in the liquor store.

1amrxe

What part of the vegetable is hardest to eat?

The wheelchair.

1amooh

Tiger Woods joke

So I guess Tiger Wood and Lindsay Vonn are having an Open relationship.

1amlw8

My girlfriend broke up with me for my obsession with touching pasta.

I'm feeling cannelloni right now.

1amlb8

The Captain called the Sergeant in. "Sarge, I just got a telegram. Private Jones' mother died yesterday. Better go tell him and send him in to see me."

So the Sergeant calls for his morning formation and lines up all the troops. "Listen up, men," says the Sergeant. "Johnson, report to the mess hall for KP. Smith, report to Personnel to sign some papers. The rest of you men report to the Motor Pool for maintenance. Oh by the way, Jones, your mother died, report to the commander." Later that day the Captain called the Sergeant into his office. "Hey, Sarge, that was a pretty cold way to inform Jones his mother died. Couldn't you be a bit more tactful, next time?" "Yes, sir," answered the Sarge. A few months later, the Captain called the Sergeant in again with, "Sarge, I just got a telegram. Private McGrath's mother died. You'd better go tell him and send him in to see me. This time be more tactful." So the Sergeant calls for his morning formation. "Ok, men, fall in and listen up. Everybody with a mother, take two steps forward -- NOT SO FAST, McGRATH!"

1amerd

A Latvian Haiku

Where is potatoes? This winter is very cold. Family is starve.

1am6bz

What's big and brown and rhymes with snoop?

Dr. Dre

1am10d

What did the Philosophy Ph.D say to the fat black woman?

Welcome to McDonalds. May I take your order?

1am4bt

What do you call a broken vibrator?

A dildon't

1aly55

Did you know...

If you put your ear up to a woman's vagina, you can actually hear her scream, "what the fuck are you doing?"

1alx1d

At what time does Sean Connery go to Wimbledon?

Tenish.

1alwlv

How do you titillate an ocelot?

You osculate its tit a lot!

1alvys

One wish

Two Irishmen go on a cruise. Halfway through their vacation the ship wrecks, and the two Irishmen escape on a lifeboat. They floated about for a couple days, hoping to be rescued. On the third day one of the men notices a bottle floating near the lifeboat. "Wouldn't it be cool if there were a genie in the bottle?", he asked. Without hesitation the other man picked the bottle up and rubbed, and whoosh, out pops the genie. "I am a powerful genie, but I can only grant one wish," the genie shouts. Before the other man could even get in a word "I wish the ocean was nothing but Guinness." And whoosh the genie grants the wish and disappears. "No, you idiot, now we have to pee in the boat."

1alkuj

Two scientist walk into a bar...

The bartender asks what they would like to drink. The first scientist says "I'll have a glass of H2O please." The second scientist says "I'll have H2O too." The second scientist dies. Credit to my little brother. I don't know where he got it from.

1alk5z

I wonder what chairs think about all day...

Oh, here comes another asshole.

1aljo6

A baby seal walks into a club...

...

1alj1a

Why is 6 scared of 7?

Cause 7 is a six offender

1algnv

Careful what you wish for!

I don’t think I ever got over my grandmother’s death when I was a kid. My grandmother died from a heart attack during my ninth birthday party. Literally while she was eating cake. And I guess that must have screwed me up a little bit. I mean, I still have birthday parties. But now I’m just careful what I wish for. —Anthony Jeselnik

1alcg4

There once were two airplane mechanics from New Jersey...

... Who were also drinking buddies. One night, the mechanics (Rick and Paul) were finishing up their shift and discussing where they should go for a drink afterwards. "I don't know, man," said Rick. "We've been to every bar in town. The scene's getting old." "Well," replied Paul, "there is one other option. I've heard drinking jet fuel gives you a pretty good buzz." "Fuck it, I'll try anything once," said Rick, and they grabbed the nearest can of jet fuel and had the kind of time that only drinking buddies can. The next morning, Rick awoke expecting the hangover from hell. To his surprise, he felt fine. Better than fine, even; he felt great! "This is amazing," he thought. "All the fun of drinking, but with no negative effects!" Just then, he receives a call from Paul. "Hey man," said Paul. "How ya feelin'?" "I feel great!" Exclaimed Rick. "You?" "Pretty good, but there's just one thing... Did you fart yet?" "No," said a puzzled Rick. "Why do you ask?" "Because," Paul said. "I'm in Arizona."

1ala5e

TIME TO RETIRE

Q: WHEN DOES A PROSTITUTE KNOW IT TIME TO RETIRE? A: WHEN SHE CAN NO LONGER HIDE THE STRETCHMARKS AROUND HER LIPS.

1al6rm

What's more fun than nailing dead babies to a wall?

Scraping them back off

1al5pd

I hate stools...

They are a bunch of sons of benches.

1al5lj

There are three people in this world

The ones that can count, and the ones that cant.

1al1o4

What do you do in 5 minutes that you then suffer for for 9 months?

A school application.

1al1dx

King Arthur and the Witch

Young King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of a neighbouring kingdom The monarch could have killed him but was moved by Arthur's youth and ideals. So, the monarch offered him his freedom, as long as he could answer a very difficult question. Arthur would have a year to figure out the answer and, if after a year, he still had no answer, he would be put to death. The question?...What do women really want? Such a question would perplex even the most knowledgeable man, and to young Arthur, it seemed an impossible query. But, since it was better than death, he accepted the monarch's proposition to have an answer by year's end. He returned to his kingdom and began to poll everyone: the princess, the priests, the wise men and even the court jester. He spoke with everyone, but no one could give him a satisfactory answer. Many people advised him to consult the old witch, for only she would have the answer. But the price would be high; as the witch was famous throughout the kingdom for the exorbitant prices she charged The last day of the year arrived and Arthur had no choice but to talk to the witch. She agreed to answer the question, but he would have to agree to her price first. The old witch wanted to marry Sir Lancelot, the most noble of the Knights of the Round Table and Arthur's closest friend! Young Arthur was horrified. She was hunchbacked and hideous, had only one tooth, smelled like sewage, made obscene noises, etc. He had never encountered such a repugnant creature in all his life. He refused to force his friend to marry her and endure such a terrible burden; but Lancelot, learning of the proposal, spoke with Arthur He said nothing was too big of a sacrifice compared to Arthur's life and the preservation of the Round Table Hence, a wedding was proclaimed and the witch answered Arthur's question thus: What a woman really wants, she answered...is to be in charge of her own life. Everyone in the kingdom instantly knew that the witch had uttered a great truth and that Arthur's life would be spared. And so it was, the neighbouring monarch granted Arthur his freedom and Lancelot and the witch had a wonderful wedding. The honeymoon hour approached and Lancelot, steeling himself for a horrific experience, entered the bedroom. But, what a sight awaited him. The most beautiful woman he had ever seen lay before him on the bed. The astounded Lancelot asked what had happened The beauty replied that since he had been so kind to her when she appeared as a witch, she would henceforth, be her horrible deformed self only half the time and the beautiful maiden the other half. Which would he prefer? Beautiful during the day....or night? Lancelot pondered the predicament. During the day, a beautiful woman to show off to his friends, but at night, in the privacy of his castle, an old witch? Or, would he prefer having a hideous witch during the day, but by night, a beautiful woman for him to enjoy wondrous intimate moments? What would YOU do? What Lancelot chose is below. BUT....make YOUR choice before you scroll down below. OKAY? Noble Lancelot said that he would allow HER to make the choice herself. Upon hearing this, she announced that she would be beautiful all the time because he had respected her enough to let her be in charge of her own life. *Now....what is the moral to this story?* The moral is..... If you don't let a woman have her own way, things are going to get ugly

1al14s

Why does a man's penis have a knob at the end?

The Italians spent 20 million euro on research, discussed it with 2 million woman, and conclude it is for the pleasure of the woman when men are making passionate love to them. The French spent 40 million euro on research, discussed it with 4 million men and we conclude it is for the pleasure of the man when they are making passionate love to their women. The Irish spent a hundred euros in the pub, drank a lot of Guinness and decided the real reason for the knob at the end of their penis was to stop your hand falling off when you have a wank.

1akz69

What do you call a perturbed grown-up?

An addled adult

1akw8x

Math Joke

How can you tell an extrovert mathematician from an introvert mathematician? An extrovert mathematician will be looking at the other guy's shoes.

1akv5h

Two firemen having sex

The chief of a firehouse walks into the back room to find two male firefighters having sex. The chief yells out "what the hell are you doing?!" One of the guys says "he had smoke inhalation." "You fix that with mouth to mouth!" Yelled the chief. The other guy said, "how do you think this all started?"

1akstr

Three vampires walk into a bar...

...and sit down. The bartender comes over and ask them what they want to drink. 1st vampire: "Give me a shot of blood." 2nd vampire: "I want a double shot." 3rd vampire: "All I want is a cup of hot water." The bartender goes and gets the drinks and comes back. He hands them the drinks, but looks kind of confused. The bartender asked the 3rd vampire, "Why didn't you order any blood?" The vampire pulls out a tampon and replies "I'm making tea."

1aksb9

What's the difference between beekeeping and falconry?

Falconers have to be more talon-ted

1akrxk

Once upon a time, there were three kingdoms, all bordering on the same lake.

Once upon a time, there were three kingdoms, all bordering on the same lake. For centuries, these kingdoms had fought over an island in the middle of that lake. One day, they decided to have it out, once and for all. The first kingdom was quite rich, and sent an army of 25 knights, each with three squires. The night before the battle, the knights jousted and cavorted as their squires polished armor, cooked food, and sharpened weapons. The second kingdom was not so wealthy, and sent only 10 knights, each with 2 squires. The night before the battle, the knights cavorted and sharpened their weapons as the squires polished armor and prepared dinner. The third kingdom was very poor, and only sent one elderly knight with his sole squire. The night before the battle, the knight sharpened his weapon, while the squire, using a looped rope, slung a pot high over the fire to cook while he prepared the knight's armor. The next day, the battle began. All the knights of the first two kingdoms had cavorted a bit too much (one should never cavort while sharpening weapons and jousting) and could not fight. The squire of the third kingdom could not rouse the elderly knight in time for combat. So, in the absence of the knights, the squires fought. The battle raged well into the late hours, but when the dust finally settled, a solitary figure limped from the carnage. The lone squire from the third kingdom dragged himself away, beaten, bloodied, but victorious. And it just goes to prove, the squire of the high pot and noose is equal to the sum of the squires of the other two sides.

1akq87

What did the father buffalo say to his son going off to college?

Bison.

1akngq

What kind of chicken is circumcised and suffers from E.D.?

A boneless, skinless chicken!

1akn46

Magic Dildo

A married man was about to go out of town for a business trip and he wanted to make sure his wife wouldn't cheat on him while he was away. He went to an adult toy store and looked around, not finding anything he thought would keep her satisfied, so he went to the man behind the counter and explained his situation. "I think I have just the thing," the man said and he went through a curtain into a back room and came out with a very old wooden box. "Inside this box there is a Magic Dildo. It will give your wife many orgasms and you won't have to worry about her straying. All she has to do is call out 'Magic Dildo: my pussy!' and it will go to work. When she is done, the words 'Magic Dildo: your box!' will turn it off." "Perfect!" the man thought and quickly bought it, brought it home to his wife, and left on his business trip. While at home it doesn't take long for his wife to get the urge so she undresses, goes to the box and says the magic words. Sure enough, the Magic Dildo comes alive and gives the wife the best sex she has ever experienced. She has multiple orgasms and the Dildo never gets tired. The wife, however, does and is ready to rest when she realizes her husband never told her how to make it stop. She tries her best to pull the blasted thing out of herself but no matter what she does she can't get it out. Getting very worried, the Dildo still going at it, she manages to get dressed and get in the car to go to the hospital. While driving she is all over the road, swerving and hitting the curbs and a police officer, seeing her and thinking she is drunk, pulls her over. "Have you been drinking tonight, ma'am?" he asks her. "Thank God you're here, officer!" the wife exclaims and, panting, explains her terrible situation. The officer, thinking that this is definitely the most creative way he's heard of someone trying to get out of a ticket, bends down, looks at her and sneers, "Psh. Magic Dildo, my ass!"

1akk6y

Did you hear about the guy that made a terrible joke?

He fainted.

1akjt6

atom bomb

Two rednecks read the paper: the government spent 10 billion $ on a new&improved atom bomb. One of them says: "please god, let it drop in my back yard"

1akixe

Anti-matter

Albert Einstein used to go to dinners where he was invited to give a speech. One day, on his way to one of those dinners, he told his chauffeur (who looked exactly like him) that he was dead tired of giving the same speech, dinner after dinner. "Well," said the chaffeur, "I've got a good idea. Why don't I give the speech since I've heard it so many times?'' So Albert's chauffeur gave the speech perfectly and even answered a few questions. Then, a professor stood up and asked him a really tough question about anti-matter which the chauffeur couldn't answer "Sir, the answer to your question is so easy that I'll let my chauffeur answer it!"

1akf3x

What's Irish and stays on your back porch all year?

Patty O'Furniture

1akevp

Why was the 40 degree angle so nice to the 50 degree angle?

Because its very complementary!

1ak9w3

What would it be like to have world with out women??

It would be a real pain in the ass

1ak4tr

John Wayne vs. Johnnie Walker

What the difference between John Wayne and Johnnie Walker? Johnnie Walker is still killing indians.

1ak2z0

Why's it a good idea to have a threesome with 2 Vietnamese girls?

It's usually a Nguyen/Nguyen.

1ak2hl

Meta: Reverse Punchline Challenge

Hey /r/Jokes, I thought it might be interesting to see just how good we are at actually making jokes from unfunny situations. As such, I thought a good challenge might be to provide a few randomly thought up punchlines that *you* the subreddit construct the lead-up/joke to. Highest rated comment would be the funniest obviously. With no further ado: 1. "That's not a champagne flute!" 2. "I don't know, but lord knows my wife does." 3. "Three cats, two birds, and one old bitch." 4. "Is it just me or is that hippopotamus wearing Jerry's shirt?" 5. "I told you we should have gone to Australia." 6. "Ah, you must be Greg."

1ak1hr

What kind of sex do boring people have?

Banal.

1ajxv1

Why was lil' Wayne tired after programming?

He did too much coding.

1ajv7t

What's the difference between an attorney and a herd of buffalo?

The attorney charges more.

1ajuju

Why don't the zebra and the lion like to play cards in the prairie?

'CAUSE THERE'S TOO MANY CHEETAHS!!!

1ajs46

How do you get a nun pregnant?

Dress her up as an altar boy.

1ajqpu

Science Jokes

A virus walks into a bar. The bartender says, "We don't serve viruses in this bar." The virus replaces the bartender and says, "Now we do." An infectious disease walks into a bar. The bartender says, "We don't serve infectious diseases in this bar." The infectious disease says, "well, you're not a very good host!" Two bacteria walk into a bar. The bartender says, "We don't serve bacteria here." The bacteria say, "but we work here! We're staff." Some helium gas drifts into a bar. The bartender says, "we don't serve noble gases in this bar." The helium doesn't react. A room-temperature walks into a bar. The bartender says, "we don't serve superconductors here." The superconductor leaves without offering any resistance. A neutrino walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'm sorry, but we don't serve neutrinos here." The neutrino says, "that's okay, I'm just passing through." I stole these from Brian Mallow http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=r-iP5dh54T8

1ajp7w

2 engineers on a bike

two engineers were biking across a university campus when one said,"where did you get such a great bike?" the second engineer replied, "well, i was walking along yesterday, minding my own business, when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike, threw it to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "take what you want."" the first engineer nodded approvingly and said, "good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fit you anyway."

1ajoog

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