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english_jokes

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1afhez

how do you know when you are in love?

When she taps you on the ass and says "Its in *Love*" **Taxi**

1afgb2

WHY DO COWS LIE DOWN IN THE RAIN?

TO KEEP EACH UDDER DRY.

1af8xt

What r/Jokes could become.

There was a large group of comedians who met every week to share jokes and swap tips and stories. However, after some time of this, they all knew every one each others' jokes by memory, and seeing each person stand on stage an tell the whole joke over and over, week after week, became quite tedious. To solve this problem, they gave each joke a number, which they all memorized. So, after this, the comedian presenting at the time would stand on stage and call out a series of numbers, and then all the others would chuckle as they remembered each of the jokes. One day, this was going on, and the comedian presenting at the time called out "143", and all the others chuckled for a moment or two. However, there was one man in the back roaring with laughter. He laughed for several minutes, falling out of his chair and rolling on the floor. After he had calmed down enough to speak, they asked him what was so funny about that joke. He replied "Well you see, I hadn't heard that one before!"

1af7ov

Why did the condom fly around the room?

It was pissed off.

1af6xs

I like my girlfriends the same way I like my Windows

8

1af6oh

A white man walks into a bar with his horse...

And says,"I'll give a 100$ to a man who can make my horse laugh." Nobody says anything except for the native man in the back,"I can" he says and brings the horse out of the bar. A little bit later he brings him back in and the horse is laughing. The white man gives him 100$ and leaves. The next day the same white man walks into the bar and says, "I'll give 100$ to a man who can make my horse cry." Nobody says anything except for the same native guy in the back. "I can" he says and brings the horse out, and than brings the horse back in and the horse is crying." The white man, amazed, said,"before I give you this 100$ can you tell me how you made my horse laugh and cry?" The native man says, "the first day I said I had a bigger penis than him, the next day I showed him."

1af498

A man and a beautiful busty blonde are sitting on a train...

A man is sitting across from a beautiful busty blonde on a train, who is wearing a tiny mini skirt. To his delight he notices that she has no panties on The beautiful blonde notices him looking at her pussy and asks "Excuse me are you looking at my pussy?" "Oh I am so sorry I promise not to look again" "That's ok it's very talented. It can blow kisses. Would you like to see?" The man stunned by this proposal agrees, "Yes sure." The blonde opens her legs and her pussy blows him a kiss. The man getting real interested inquires "Can it do anything else?" "Yes sure it can wink" said the blonde, and sure enough the talented pussy winks. The man can't believe it and said "That's great! Thank you!" The blonde asks "Come sit with me." The man takes the seat beside her and the blonde says "Would you like to put a couple of fingers in?" The man stunned replies "Fuck me! Can it whistle too!"

1aewsr

A businessman is driving to an important meeting when his car breaks down...

Luckily, he breaks down near a mechanic, who agrees to tow his truck and fix it for him. However, the it would take awhile to fix, the businessman was going to be late if he didn't get going soon. Luckily, the mechanic had a donkey he was willing to lend to the businessman. "There's only two things you need to know. To make him go, say 'Thank goodness'. To make him stop, say 'Woah'." The businessman thanked the mechanic, put his briefcase in the saddlebag, and shouted "Thank goodness". Now, the donkey quickly got into a regular rhythm, and the businessman, tired for lack of sleep, soon feel asleep. He awoke sometime later to see the donkey idiotically careening towards a cliff. "WOAH" he shouted, and the donkey started to slow down. Just at the edge of the cliff, the donkey comes to a full stop. "Phew," the man said "Thank goodness"

1aesg3

I'm getting pissed off now to be honest...

My wife hasn't stopped looking through the window since it started raining. I don't get it. If it gets any worse than this, I might just have to let her back in.

1aerym

The Pill... (Semi-NSFW)

It's the second best thing a woman can put in her mouth to avoid getting pregnant.

1aer9m

What's the similarity between smoking a cigarette and eating pussy?

The taste changes the closer you get to the butt.

1aeorl

Always Drive Drunk

That way, if you get into an accident, at least you are drunk.

1aejtw

What did the Buddhist get for Christmas?

Presence.

1aei48

So I hear Lil Wayne is in critical condition. I think it has to do with his lungs...

He's always been a lil weezy.

1aeev7

Little Johnny goes camping

Little Johnny's Second Grade class is going camping for a class field trip. As nighttime comes, all the children get set up in their tents and get ready to fall asleep. A few hours go by, a storm approaches and thunder begins clapping, and little Johnny can't seem to sleep. Little Johnny gets out of his sleeping bag and wanders over to his teacher's tent. Little Johnny tells his teacher that on stormy nights like this, his mom lets him crawl into bed with her to keep him safe. Little Johnny's teacher thinks for a moment and while she knows it would be inappropriate and possibly viewed as favoritism, she doesn't want little Johnny to be afraid of the storm and lets him come on into her tent. Johnny tells his teacher that his mother sometimes lets him under the covers and snuggle with her because it helps calm him down and asks if his teacher would allow him to do the same. She hesitates but then decides there's nothing wrong with letting Little Johnny under the covers to curl up next to her. The night goes on and Little Johnny is still scared, he tells his teacher that on the worst nights, his mother lets him put his finger in her belly button because it helps soothe him even more. Little Johnny's teacher thinks that this is too much and she should not let a second grader play with her belly button, but the storm is really bad this night and she thinks that maybe it will finally help little Johnny get some sleep, so she allows him. A few minutes pass and little Johnny's teacher jumps up and screams at little Johnny, "Little Johny, STOP! What are you doing? That's not my belly button!" Little Johnny sits in the corner smirking, "That ain't my finger either."

1aedbw

A mother is in the kitchen making dinner for her family when..

...her daughter walks in. "Mother, where do babies come from?" The mother thinks for a few seconds and says, "Well dear, Mommy and Daddy fall in love and get married. One night they go into their bedroom, they kiss and hug and make love." The daughter looks puzzled so the mother continues, "That means the daddy puts his penis in the mommy's private parts. That's how you get a baby, honey." The child seems to comprehend. "Oh, I see, but the other night when I came into your room you had daddy's penis in your mouth. What do you get when you do that?" "Jewelry, my dear. Jewelry."

1aedbi

Hurts Donut

So there's this man, and he lived his whole life on Earth, and his name was Mr. Stevenson. When Mr. Stevenson was eight years old, he asked another little boy if he would like a Hurts Donut. The other boy said yes. So he hit him on the arm and he said, "Hurts Donut." Five years later, Mr. Stevenson asked another boy about his same age at that time if he would like a Hurts Donut. when the boy said yes, Mr. Stevenson stabbed him over and over again in his eye and his cheek with a pencil, saying "Hurts Donut." Over the years, Mr. Stevenson did very well in school. On graduation day, he was sat next to another young man, who, like Mr. Stevenson, had earned high marks. When he asked the boy if he would like a Hurts Donut, the boy said, "Not if you're gonna stab me in the eye with a pencil." "I wouldn't even touch you," said Mr. Stevenson. So when the boy agreed, he presented him with a photograph of the young man's fiancée at a bachelor party, on some guy's table, fucking herself with a beer bottle. As tears filled the young man's eyes, Mr. Stevenson was heard to say, "Hurts Donut." A few years later, Mr. Stevenson got a job as a sales clerk in an electronics store. Within a year, he was caught stealing and immediately incarcerated. When he asked his cellmate if he would like a Hurts Donut, his cellmate said yeah. So... he gave him a Hurts Donut. Over the years, Mr. Stevenson grew too old to take care of himself, so they put him in a hospital. One day, he asked the new nurse if she would like a Hurts Donut. In anticipation of her response, Mr. Stevenson began humming and making smacking noises with his mouth. When the nurse smiled and said, "I know about you, Mr. Stevenson," Mr. Stevenson blurted out something totally incoherent and... and began to laugh. I've never understood this joke. But then, I've never been to Earth. [Video](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=q7P7BFBWQ1E)

1aecsf

Four Catholic ladies are having coffee together...

....discussing how important their children are. The first one tells her friends, My son is a priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him Father The second Catholic woman chirps, Well, my son is a bishop. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, Your Grace The third Catholic woman says smugly, Well, not to put you down, but my son is a cardinal. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, Your Eminence. The fourth Catholic woman sips her coffee in silence. The first three women giver her this subtle.. Well? She replies, My son is a gorgeous, 6' 2"; hard-bodied, well-hung, male stripper. Whenever he walks into a room, women just say, Oh my God.

1aeasd

An Englishman is having breakfast in Paris one morning....

...(coffee, croissants, bread, butter and jam) when a Frenchman chewing bubble-gum, sits down next to him. The Englishman ignores the Frenchman who, nevertheless, starts a conversation. Frenchman: 'You English folk eat the whole bread??' Englishman (in a bad mood): 'Of course.' Frenchman: (after blowing a huge bubble) 'We don't. In France , we only eat what's inside.. The crusts we collect in a container, recycle it, transform them into croissants and sell them to England .' The Frenchman has a smirk on his face. The Englishman listens in silence. The Frenchman persists: 'Do you eat jam with the bread??' Englishman: 'Of Course.' Frenchman: (cracking his bubble-gum between his teeth and chuckling). 'We don't. In France we eat fresh fruit for breakfast, then we put all the peels, seeds, and leftovers in containers, recycle them, transform them into jam, and sell the jam to England .' After a moment of silence, The Englishman then asks: 'Do you have sex in France ?' Frenchman: 'Why of course we do', he says with a big smirk. Englishman: 'And what do you do with the condoms once you've used them?' Frenchman: 'We throw them away, of course.' Englishman: 'We don't. In England , we put them in a container, recycle them, melt them down into bubble-gum, and sell them to France .'

1ae64m

Make like my dick...

and fuck your mother.

1adztg

Magical Mirror

There is legend that goes like this: In a bar in New York there's a magical mirror. If you go up to it and tell it the truth it will grant you one wish... but if you lie - POOF! - it swallows you up for eternity. A brunette, redhead, and a blonde walk into that very bar - with a mission. They head straight for the magic mirror. The redhead goes first and says "I think I'm the most beautiful woman on Earth" POOF! - the mirror swallows her up and she's gone for eternity. The brunette goes up to the mirror and says "I think I'm the sexiest woman on Earth" POOF - now she's gone too. Lastly, the blonde goes up to the mirror says " I think........" - POOF!

1ady95

[Meta] Trying to remember a joke: "Green Reptar"?

I'm pretty sure the joke was horrible (quality), but I've been trying to put it together in my head for a while now and it's just eating at me. Also, I have a feeling that someone made this joke a bit more tame by replacing something risque with "Green Reptar" (or it might have been "Purple Reptar"). The joke involves a kid at school who sees "Green Reptar" written on a dumpster. He asks his teacher about it during class, the teacher sends him to the principle's office. When the principal asks why he's there, he says something along the lines of "Because I said 'Green Reptar'", and after one or two more events of the same thing happening, he somehow goes to jail. I don't remember any more than that. TL;DR: I can't remember a joke, and I'm pretty sure it's not funny, but I'd like to hear it again anyway.

1ady2k

I one the sandwich.

1adxv7

So a woman walks out of the kitchen...

...

1adxky

Dropping off a Cat

A man hated his wife's cat and wanted get rid of it. He drove 2 miles from home and dropped off the cat. The cat was already walking up their driveway as he got back to their house. The next day he decided to drive the cat 6 miles away but the same thing happened. He kept on increasing how far away he took the cat but the cat kept coming back. Finally, he decided to drive the cat 30 miles away, turn right, then left, past the bridge, then right again and another right and so on until he reached what he thought was a perfect spot and left the cat there. Hours later, the man called his wife at home and asked her, "Jen, is the cat there?" "Yes, why do you ask?" answered the wife. "Put that cat on the phone. I’m lost and I need directions!”

1advms

Why was 6 afraid of 7?

Because 7 was a registered six offender.

1aduj9

If the letters fall off your company's logo...

...maybe it's a bad sign.

1adrgr

The wire brush

One of the few genuinely funny jokes I know that I originally learned in English: During World War I, a British general is visiting an Army hospital. He shakes the hand of one soldier, who is lying in bed. "What's wrong with you, son?" "Gonorrhea, Sir!" "What is the treatment for gonorrhea in the British Army?" "The wire brush, Sir!" "What is your fondest desire?" "To recover and to serve the King and the country, Sir!" The general then turns to another soldier. "What's wrong with you, son?" "Hemorrhoids, Sir!" "What is the treatment for hemorrhoids in the British Army?" "The wire brush, Sir!" "What is your fondest desire?" "To recover and to serve the King and the country, Sir!" The general then turns to a third soldier. "What's wrong with you, son?" (softly) "Laryngitis, Sir!" "What is the treatment for laryngitis in the British Army?" (softly) "The wire brush, Sir!" "I see that you have difficulty speaking. Is it true that your fondest desire is to recover and to serve the King and the country?" (softly) "Nay, Sir. It is to grab the wire brush before the others, Sir."

1adp3c

A drunken farmer...

A drunken farmer comes home late one night holding a sheep under his arm. He walks into the bedroom and says "This is the pig I've been fucking!" His wife says "You idiot! That's not a pig, that's a sheep!" The farmer says "Will you shut the fuck up! I was talking to the sheep!"

1adoph

What kind of ammo do you have?

This morning I lucked out and was able to buy several cases of ammo. On the way home I stopped at the gas station and this drop dead gorgeous blonde was filling up her car at the next pump... She looked at the ammo in the back of my car and said in a very sexy voice, "I'm a big believer in barter, big boy. Would you be interested in a trade of sex for ammo?" I thought it over for a few seconds and responded..... "Well, maybe, but just what kind of ammo do you have?

1adlzl

What's worse than a lobster on your piano?

Crabs on your organ!

1adlhr

What's the difference between a dead baby and a rock?

you can't fuck a rock

1adk8k

probably won't get him laid

A guy walks into a bar and starts pretending to shoot arrows to a few girls. One of those girls smiles and gets closer to talk: "Hey, I saw that you threw me an arrow." she said while winking at him. "Yes, I guess I did." came his reply. "Who are you?", she asked. "Cupid throwing love arrows?" "No, I'm Legolas killing orcs"

1adh4s

Two ten year old boys sitting on the steps to a brothel...

... watching men enter and exit all day. At one point, two men come out smiling, laughing and talking loudly to each other. "Not bad for fifty bucks!" Says the first man with a large smile. "Not bad." Agrees the second with a grin and a wink. The first boy has an idea and immediately turns to the second. "How much money have you got?" He asks. "Thirty cents." Says the second. "Give it here," he checks his own pockets and states, "I got twenty." The boys knock on the door and anxiously wait. The door opens to reveal a beautiful smiling woman wearing a loose housecoat. Her false smile fades as she notices the two young boys looking at her with amazement. "What do you want?" She asks. "We want to see what is so good for Fifty bucks." Says the first boy. "You do, eh?" she says with a raised eyebrow. "How much money you got?" "Fifty cents" pipes up the second boy. "Heh," she chuckles "you kids are funny. Give it here and I'll show you." The boys give the money to the woman and she quickly opens her housecoat to reveal her large breasts. She grabs the first boy by the hair, hugs him close to her and squeezes his head between her enormous orbs. She quickly shakes her torso causing his head to bounce from breast to breast. She releases the first boy and quickly repeats this treatment with the second. The boys are so breathless and stunned the never hear the door close behind them. The first boy turns to the second with a grin and says, "Not bad for fifty cents." The second boy smiles and says, "yeah, not bad, but I don't think I could handle fifty bucks worth!"

1adgy6

What kind of sex do you have with twenty seven year olds?

Any kind you want, there's twenty of them.

1adfor

An atheist in the forest...

stumbles upon a bear. The bear rears up to attack and the atheist yells "oh god no!" time stops and he hears the voice of god say "you called for me my son?" the atheist responds "I would ask you to save me, but that would be hypocritical, so instead, can you make the bear a christian?" he hears "I shall do this for you my son". Time resumes and the bear stops, puts his paws together and says "God in the heavens.... thank you for this meal you have provided me with today, amen"

1adf33

What do you call it when Batman skips church?

Christian Bail.

1addmf

Jesus VS Satan

Jesus and Satan have an argument as to who is the better programmer. This goes on for a few hours until they come to an agreement to hold a contest, with God as the judge. They set themselves before their computers and begin. They type furiously, lines of code streaming up the screen, for several hours straight. Seconds before the end of the competition, a bolt of lightning strikes, taking out the electricity. Moments later, the power is restored, and God announces that the contest is over. He asks Satan to show what he has come up with. Satan is visibly upset, and cries, "I have nothing. I lost it all when the power went out." "Very well, then," says God, "let us see if Jesus fared any better." Jesus enters a command, and the screen comes to life in vivid display, the voices of an angelic choir pour forth from the speakers. Satan is astonished. He stutters, "B-b-but how?! I lost everything, yet Jesus' program is intact! How did he do it?" God chuckles, "Everybody knows... Jesus saves"

1adcl0

What is the most painful cereal known to man kind?

Banana Nut Crunch.

1adahg

So a man is a little drunk at the bar

And he has decided that he's feeling a little randy, and there is a prostitute at the same bar that he wants to approach. So he asks his buddy for 20$, then goes and approaches the girl. He asks her how much to get laid, and she says "100$". He frowns, knowing that he doesn't have that much and inquires about a BJ, to which he's informed that it would be 50$. Exasperated at this point, he inquires if he can get a handjob for 20$. The prostitute thinks for a few minutes, then agrees, and they go outside into the parking lot. 45 minutes later, the prostitute returns to the bar with disheveled hair, her makeup is messed up, she's missing a shoe, and is still panting like she just had mind-blowingly good sex. Upon seeing her, the bartender inquires if she's OK, and then further into what happened since she just went out with the intention of giving a handjob. She looks up at the bartender and says, "Well, we went out there and into the back of his car. I put one hand around his dick...and then the other hand around his dick... and then I lent him 80$."

1ad96l

A guy walks into a bar...

He asks the bartender for eight shots of whiskey, doesn't matter what kind. Bartender asks "What's the special occasion?" The guy says "I'm celebrating my first blow job..." The guy takes three shots quickly. The bartender says "congratulations! Have one on me, but why so many shots?" The guy says "To get the taste out of my mouth."

1ad6u8

The Queens Riddle

Barack Obama met with the Queen of Great Britain. He asked her, "Your Majesty, how do you run such an efficient government? Are there any tips you can give me?" "Well," said the Queen, "the most important thing is to surround yourself with intelligent people." Obama frowned, and then asked, "But how do I know the people around me are really intelligent?" The Queen took a sip of tea. "Oh, that's easy; you just ask them to answer an intelligent riddle." The Queen pushed a button on her intercom. "Please send David Cameron in here, would you?" David Cameron walked into the room and said, "Yes, Your Majesty?" The Queen smiled and said, "Answer me this, please, David. Your mother and father have a child. It is not your brother and it is not your sister. Who is it?" Without pausing for a moment, David Cameron answered, "That would be me." "Yes! Very good," said the Queen. Obama went back home to ask Joe Biden the same question. "Joe, answer this for me. Your mother and your father have a child. It's not your brother and it's not your sister. Who is it?" "I'm not sure," said Biden. "Let me get back to you on that one." He went to his advisers and asked everyone, but none could give him an answer. Finally, Biden ran in to Sarah Palin out eating one night. Biden asked, "Sarah, can you answer this for me? Your mother and father have a child and it's not your brother or your sister. Who is it?" Sarah Palin answered right back, "That's easy, it's me!" Biden smiled, and said, "Thanks!" Then, he went back to speak with Obama. "Say, I did some research and I have the answer to that riddle. It's Sarah Palin!" Obama got up, stomped over to Biden, and angrily yelled into his face, "No! You idiot! It's David Cameron!"

1ad4hu

A poor couple...

A poor couple try their best to make ends meet. Times were hard, and there were days when the couple couldn't afford to eat. To curb their hunger, the couple would have sex. One evening, the husband comes home from work and finds his wife humping the arm rest of the couch. Perplexed, the husband asks what she was doing. The wife responds, "nothing, just heating up your dinner."

1ad3ol

Why do golfers wear two pairs of pants?

In case they get a hole in one!

1ad3nm

Here in California Catholics use non-fat, high fiber communion wafers.

They call them "I can't believe it's not Jesus"

1ad3l3

MacGregor, the...

A man walked into a bar in Scotland, sat down and ordered a drink. Next to him was a leathery old Scotsman, well into the bottle in front of him. The man asked the Scotsman if there was something the matter. The Scot replied (in Groundskeeper Willy brogue); "Aye lad, indeed there is. You see this bar here? I made this bar with me own two hands, slowly crafting it in the time-honored way of my forebears. It took me 4 months, but do they call me MacGregor the bar-builder? Noooooo. " "You know the dock that your ferry landed at the night before? I built that dock with me own bare hands, finely honing each joint so that it would withstand the weather that mother nature unravels upon it. It took nigh a year, but do they call me MacGregor the dock-builder? Noooooo." "And do you recall the livery stable you passed on the way into town? I stood that stable up in six months, with nary a bit o' help. To this day that stable is one of the finest in all of Scotland. But do they call me MacGregor that stable-maker? Nooooooo." "But you fuck one goat..."

1ad2cy

I recently learned that bison of eastern new york who are bullied by bison of the same region mimic the behavior upon the remainder of the community. In other words...

Buffalo buffalo Buffalo buffalo buffalo buffalo Buffalo buffalo.

1ad1gf

The grammar teacher said "In English, two negatives make an affirmative, but two affirmatives never make a negative." A student replied...

"Yeah, right!"

1acyqd

An Awesome Band...

I went to go see a Muslim tribute act last night. They were called Bomb Jovi and man, they were awesome. Their last song, the classic "Living on A Prayer Mat" almost brought the fucking house down. Afterwards I got chatting to this girl... well, I think she was a girl. I couldn't see much but she had lovely eyes... and she told me she had the whole Koran on DvD. I asked her to burn me a copy... and then it all kicked off!

1acxm5

Just a good son taking care of his old dad

Late in the night, a mother hears noises in the lobby. she goes to check it out, and sees her son preparing to leave the house: "Where are you going so late and on this weather?" "Well, i'm going to the whore-house" "How dare you?! You are only 15 ! Get back to bed immediately !" Aproximately an hour later, she hears noises in the lobby again. Goes to check it out, her son was there again: "Where the hell do you think you're going ?" "To the whore-house, mom !" "You just drop that umbrella and get in bed immediately !" "Well, i can't wait to see how dad's gonna get home in this rain !"

1acqyd

The old Priest

In Washington, DC, an old Priest lay dying in the hospital. For years he had faithfully served the people of the nation's capital and was well known among the elected officials. He motioned for his Nurse to come near. “Yes, Father?" said the Nurse. "I would really like to see President Obama and Senator Reid before I die," whispered the Priest. "I'll see what I can do, Father," replied the Nurse. The Nurse had the request sent to the President and Congress and all waited for a response. Soon the word arrived; President Obama and Harry Reid would be delighted to visit the Priest. As they went to the hospital, Obama commented to Reid, "I don't know why the old Priest wants to see us, but it will certainly help our images.” Reid agreed that it was a good thing. When they arrived at the Priest's room, the Priest took Obama's hand in his right hand and Reid's hand in his left hand. There was silence and a look of serenity on the old Priest's face. Finally President Obama spoke. "Father, of all the people you could have chosen, why did you choose us to be with you as you neared the end?" The old Priest slowly replied, "I have always tried to pattern my life after our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ." "Amen," said Obama. "Amen," said Reid. The old Priest continued, "Jesus died between two lying thieves; in fulfilling that consummate desire, I wanted to do the same."

1acqps

How did the blond chip her tooth?

With her vibrator

1acphz

Brake fluid

I know a guy who is addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop anytime.

1acnhn

A man walks into a brothel...

So a man walks into a brothel. He's a little down on his luck and only has $5. He asks the woman at the front desk, "So what can I get with this?" and hands her the $5. She takes the money and says, "Second door on the left." The man goes to the room and sees a chicken on the bed. He's confused and searches the room for a woman. He fails to do so and looks at the chicken. "Well, I guess it's better than nothing." He proceeds to have sex with the chicken. Turns out it was the best he's ever had. A week later he comes back with $1. "So, uhh, what can I get for this?" The woman at the front desk says, "First room on the left." He walks into the room and sees a bunch of guys crowded around a hole in the wall. He gets a chance to peek through and sees two sexy lesbians getting it on. "Man, they're really going at it," he says, "This is pretty crazy." One guy from the crowd says, "Oh that's nothing. You should have been here last week, there was a dude fucking a chicken." Edit: Prevented a time paradox or two

1acn7v

What do American beers and Sex in a Canoe have in common?

They are both fucking close to water!

1acfcn

Why arent There Many jewish gardeners?

Because money doesnt grow on trees

1acc0d

What happened after an explosion at a French cheese factory?

All that was left was de brie.

1acbiw

The homeless man and the farmer.

A homeless man is traveling from town to town and sees a farm, he finds the farmer and asks if he can work for some money. The farmer being a nice and charitable man agrees. He says, "clean out the horse stables, feed the pigs, and collect the eggs from the hen coop, and I'll give you 50$ when you're done." The homeless man agrees, and gets to work. He cleans out the horse stables no problem, feeds the pigs in record time, and collects all the eggs without breaking a single one. As he's walking back to tell the farmer he had finished, he sees a cow tied to a tree. He decides to milk the cow to show how grateful he is to the farmer. The man has some trouble milking the cow, as he had never been on a farm or milked a cow before, but he finally succeeds and gets a bucket's worth. The man decides to try the milk, straight from the teat. he takes a drink, thinks it has a funky taste, but insists that's how it must taste straight from the source. So eggs and bucket in hand, the homeless man finds the farmer and says "I cleaned out the stables, fed the pigs, and collected all the eggs, and boy do you have a stubborn cow!" The farmer gives him a funny look and says "we don't have a cow... We have a *bull*..."

1ac8ym

Timmy and Johnny having a relaxing day at the house.

Timmy and Johnny, two brothers were having a relaxed day at the house, Timmy, the older one was out splitting wood when Johnny comes and asks him if he could help, Timmy asks in reply "Can your pecker touch your asshole?" Johnny says "No." and Timmy tells him when his pecker can touch his asshole he can help him with the wood. Timmy then went to clean his gun, and, once again Johnny asks Timmy if he can help. Timmy asks him again "Can your pecker touch your asshole?" Johnny says "no." so Timmy tells him that he can help clean the gun when his pecker can touch his asshole. Later in the evening Timmy is watching a scary movie and Johnny asks him if he can watch it too and the same exchange happens "can your pecker touch your asshole?" "no." "you can watch it when your pecker can touch your asshole." The next morning Johnny is having the last doughnut for breakfast, and Timmy asks him if he could have a small piece. So Johnny asks him "Can your pecker touch your asshole?"Timmy replies, "Yes, yes it can." to which Johnny retorts "Then go fuck yourself."

1ac5dc

A man walks into a bar carrying a dog...

The dog has no legs. The bartender looks at the legless dog and asks the man, "What's your dog's name?" The man replies, "Cigarette." The bartender looks at him puzzled. "Why did you name him Cigarette?" The man replies, "Because every morning, I take him out for a drag."

1abzeu

The Third Wish

An elderly man was sitting alone on a dark path, right? He wasn’t certain of which direction to go, and he’d forgotten both where he was traveling to and whom he was. He’d sat down for a moment to rest his weary legs, and suddenly looked up to see an elderly woman before him. She grinned toothlessly and with a cackle, spoke: Now your third wish. What will it be? Third wish? The man was baffled. How can it be a third wish if I haven’t had a first and second wish? You’ve had two wishes already, the hag said, but your second wish was for me to return everything to the way it was before you had made your first wish. That’s why you remember nothing; because everything is the way it was before you made any wishes. She cackled at the poor berk. So it is that you have one wish left. All right, said the man, I don’t believe this, but there’s no harm in wishing. I wish to know who I am. Funny, said the old woman as she granted his wish and disappeared forever. That was your first wish. From Planescape: Torment

1abxqs

What do you call a pile of frog dung?

Toad stools

1abwjt

As a married man, how excited I was that I almost has a successful Steak & BJ day...

The steak was delicious, but I didn't get two of my ribs removed in time.

1abqvn

What did one tampon say to the other tampon?

Nothing. They are both stucked up c**ts. Edit: I understand this is probably a re-post joke but I thought it was [funny] (http://assets0.ordienetworks.com/images/GifGuide/DealWithIt/tumblr_l6ouy08TEp1qz9muno1_r1_400.gif)

1abqmz

So today in chemistry we were talking about the solar system

And a student raised their hand and said "Imagine all the life forms in other galaxies" My teacher responded "Yea, but they probably are not human." Then someone in the way back said "Yea maybe their black."

1abot9

How do you know if your roommate is gay?

His dick tastes like shit.

1abok9

What do you call a Black-Asian?

Hung

1abm8n

what's the strongest part of a vegetable?

the wheel chair.

1abhjj

I hate all these PI days jokes

They go on forever.

1abhi0

Ethiopian jokes I've heard from over the years.

What do you call an Ethiopian with a yeast infection? A quarter pounder with cheese What do you call an Ethiopian with buck teeth? A rake What do you call 10 Ethiopians carrying a canoe over their heads? A comb What do you call an Ethiopian with a club foot? A gulf club.

1abfye

A man escapes from a prison...

...where he’s been locked up for 15 years. He breaks into a house and inside, he finds a young couple in bed. He ties him to a chair. While tying the wife to the bed, the convict gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he’s in there, the husband whispers over to his wife, “Listen, this guy is an escaped convict. Look at his clothes! He’s probably spent a lot of time in jail and hasn’t seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don’t resist, don’t complain. Do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is obviously very dangerous. If he gets angry, he’ll kill us both. Be strong, honey. I love you!” She responds: “He wasn’t kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me that he’s gay, thinks you’re cute, and asked if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you, too.”

1abfd4

Why did the flight from Warsaw to Moscow crash?

There were Poles on the right half of the plane.

1abf8g

Have you seen Stevie Wonder's wife?

He didn't either.

1abdro

Jack

All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy. All work and no pay makes Jack a Mexican.

1abdri

poor guy.

The cashier seemed to appreciate that I bagged my own groceries... Until I unpacked them all & said, "That's how I want you to do it."

1abcx1

Bill Gates suddenly dies...

...and finds himself face to face with God. God stood over Bill Gates and said, "Well Bill, I'm really confused on this one. It's a tough decision; I'm not sure whether to send you to Heaven or Hell. After all, you helped society enormously by putting a computer in almost every home in America, yet you also created that ghastly Windows '95 among other indiscretions. I believe I'll do something I've never done before; I'll let you decide where you want to go." Bill pushed up his glasses, looked up at God and replied, "Could you briefly explain the difference between the two?" Looking slightly puzzled, God said, "Better yet, why don't I let you visit both places briefly, then you can make your decision. Which do you choose to see first, Heaven or Hell?" Bill played with his pocket protector for a moment, then looked back at God and said, "I think I'll try Hell first." So, with a flash of lightning and a cloud of smoke, Bill Gates went to Hell. When he materialized in Hell, Bill looked around. It was a beautiful and clean place, a bit warm, with sandy beaches and tall mountains, clear skies, pristine water, and beautiful women frolicking about. A smile came across Bill's face as he took in a deep breath of the clean air. "This is great," he thought, "if this is Hell, I can't wait to see heaven." Within seconds of his thought, another flash of lightning and a cloud of smoke appeared, and Bill was off to Heaven. Heaven was a place high above the clouds, where angels were drifting about playing their harps and singing in a beautiful chorus. It was a very nice place, Bill thought, but not as enticing as Hell. Bill looked up, cupped his hands around his mouth and yelled for God and Bill Gates was sent to Hell for eternity. Time passed, and God decided to check on the late billionaire to see how he was progressing in Hell. When he got there, he found Bill Gates shackled to a wall in a dark cave amid bone thin men and tongues of fire, being burned and tortured by demons. "So, how is everything going?" God asked. Bill responded with a crackling voice filled with anguish and disappointment, "This is awful! It's nothing like the Hell I visited the first time!! I can't believe this is happening! What happened to the other place....with the beaches and the mountains and the beautiful women? "That was the demo," replied God.

1abcbx

What's green with a brown tip?

The cucumbers in Elton John's fridge.

1abbge

Triplets

One night a woman pregnant with triplets gets mugged for her purse. She fights back and the guy shoots her three times in the stomach. At the hospital the doctors tell her that she'll be fine and so will her unborn daughters and son, but that they couldn't remove the bullets without harming the babies. Thirteen years later, one of the girls comes into her mom's room crying. The mom asks her what's wrong, and the girl says still crying, Mom I just peed out a bullet! The mom tell her daughter the story they hug and everything is fine. A few weeks later the other daughter comes in crying and says mom is just went o the bathroom and a bullet came out. So she tells the story, they hug and everything is fine. Another few weeks go by and the son comes into his moms room crying, and the mom says, "I know what happened, you were in the bathroom and a bullet came out." the son says "no I was playing with myself and I shot the dog."

1abbbb

So a circumference walks into a restaurant...

...sits down and orders a bowl of diameter ice cream. The waiter asks, "You want pie with that?"

1aba7n

A man & a pretty woman in a train compartment

A man & a pretty woman who had never met before found themselves sharing a sleeping compartment on a train. The man on the top bunk & the lady on the bottom bunk. During the night, man woke & asked "Sorry to bother you but would you reach into the closet to get me a 2nd blanket, I'm freezing!" "I've a better idea" she replied, "Why don't we pretend we are married?" "Wow what a great idea!" he said. "Good" she said, "Get your own blanket yourself, you lazy bastard!"

1ab3y2

A black kid died and went to heaven...

A black kid died and went to heaven. God gave him wings. The boy looked at his wings and turned to God and said, "God am I an angel?" God said, "Nah nigga you a Bat."

1ab6hv

What do a Jewish mother-in-law and 60 Minutes have in common?

They both always start with tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk...

1ab4ym

World's Best Bee-Keeper

Every year there is a bee-keeper's festival (think Cannes, but for honey instead of films) and every year, like the Palm D'or, there is an award given to the best bee-keeper in the world. This year it is down to three finalists, a German, a Japanese and an Irishman. So the judge turns to the German first, who proudly announces: *I have 50,000 bees in 50 hives.* The judge then asks how his bees make such good honey, to which the German replies: *Well my bees love music so I play Mozart to them and this increases their productivity, and so the honey they produce is wunderbar!* "Very good" says the judge who then turns to the Japanese bee-keeper who, with great pride explains: *I have 100,000 bees in 100 hives.* "Indeed, and what do you attribute your success to?" asks the judge. *I have big, beautiful garden, rare flowers, clean air - this make for diligent, happy worker bee. That is why my bees make number one honey in world!* "That's very interesting" responds the judge, who then turns to the Irishman, who, beaming with pride, says: *I have 200,000 bees in one hive.* The judge, a little taken aback, says "well that is an unusual set-up, but it seems to work for you. What would you say is the secret to your success?" *Well i work those bees morning noon and night, they're never not making honey. If I think they might be slacking off I give the hive a few kicks until I hear them buzzing again* The judge, quite startled at the man's response asks "surely this is bad for their welfare, is it not?" To which the Irish bee-keeper replies: *Fuck 'em.*

1ab3sx

A wife told her man to leave....

after finding out that he had a one night stand with another woman. "I want you to go!" she screamed. He said, "Please can we just talk about this first?" "Go on, I'm listening." she replied. He sat down and said, "It was the most amazing experience of my entire life."

1ab2t0

The Blind Clerk

A woman goes into Cabela's to buy a rod and reel for her grandson's birthday. She doesn't know which one to get, so she just grabs one and goes over to the counter. The clerk was standing behind the counter wearing dark shades. She says to him, "Excuse me, sir.. Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?" He says, "Ma'am, I'm completely blind; but if you'll drop it on the counter, I can tell you everything from the sound it makes." She doesn't believe him but drops it on the counter anyway...... He says, "That's a six-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404 reel and 10-LB. Test line. It's a good all-around combination, and it's on sale this week for only $20.00." She says, "It's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I'll take it!" As she opens her purse, her credit card drops on the floor. "Oh, that sounds like a Master Card," he says. She bends down to pick it up and accidentally farts. At first she is really embarrassed, but then realizes......there is no way the blind clerk could tell it was her who tooted. Being blind, he wouldn't know that she was the only person around? The man rings up the sale and says, "That'll be $34.50 please." The woman is totally confused by this and asks, "Didn't you tell me the rod and reel were on sale for $20.00? How did you get $34.50?" He replies, "Yes, ma'am. The rod and reel is $20.00, but the Duck Call is $11.00, and the Catfish Bait is $3.50."

1ab2jc

How much did it cost the pirate to get his ears pierced?

A buccaneer.

1ab1a9

have you ever had Ethiopian food?

neither have they!

1ab023

Why doesn't North Korea's population exponentially grow?

Because they must build additional pylons.

1aazp0

Pilot to co-pilot

The Air Canada plane leaves Pearson Airport under the control of a Jewish captain; his co-pilot is Chinese. It's the first time they've flown together and an awkward silence between the two seems to indicate a mutual dislike. Once they reach cruising altitude, the Jewish captain activates the auto-pilot, leans back in his seat, and mutters, 'I don't like Chinese..' 'No rike Chinese?' asks the co-pilot, 'why not?' 'You people bombed Pearl Harbor , that's why!' 'No, no', the co-pilot protests, 'Chinese not bomb Peahl Hahbah! That Japanese, not Chinese.' 'Japanese, Chinese, Vietnamese....doesn't matter, you're all alike!' There's a few minutes of silence. 'I no rike Jews!' the co-pilot suddenly announces. 'Oh yeah, why not?' asks the captain. 'Jews sink Titanic!' says the co-pilot. 'What? You're insane! Jews didn't sink the Titanic!' exclaims the captain, 'It was an iceberg!' Iceberg, Goldberg, Greenberg, Rosenberg , ..no mattah...all fukin same.

1aazhe

How many redditors does it take to call-out a repost?

WHO CARES YOU F*CKING LOSER I SAW SOMEONE MAKE THAT POST LAST WEEK.

1aayq4

An old Soviet joke

An Englishman, a Frenchman and a Russian are talking about their wives. The Englishman says, "When my wife swallows a cherry with a pit, everyone thinks she is pregnant. I don't want to say that she is starving; I just want to underscore, how carefully she watches her figure." The Frenchman says, "My wife has seventeen lovers. I don't want to say that she is a whore; I just want to underscore that men find her irresistible." The Russian says, "When I go off to work, I pinch my wife's behind; when I come back, it is still quivering. I don't want to say that she is fat; I just want to underscore that we have the shortest workday in the world."

1aaxtk

My Pi Day joke

There was a village that had four competing pie shops, each inhabiting their own corner of the town. One of these shops was named "The Circle". The Circle wanted to gain an edge on the other shops, they wanted to stand out. They realized they could transport more pies in their boxes if they made the pies square instead of circular, so they would stack better. The only place in the village to have these oddly-shaped pies is at The Circle. So, for the area of The Circle, the pie are squared.

1aax7a

Why do they call it PMS?

Because mad cow disease was already taken

1aawr0

neil diamond........

Singer Neil Diamond started his career as Neil Coal, he changed his name when the pressure got to him.

1aawld

The Forgotten Pick-Up Line

A man walks up to an attractive woman at a bar and begins to tell her a story. "The other day, I was walking through the park, when something unexpected bumped against my shoe," he says. The girl is intrigued. "Well, what was it?" she asks. "It was a magic lamp," the man says. "I rubbed it, and a genie came out. He said, 'I'll grant you one wish, but this isn't like Aladdin. You don't get to choose your wish. I'll give you two options, and you have to pick one.'" "What were the choices?" "The genie said I could have either a flawless memory, or a giant dick." The girl thinks for a moment. "Wow. Which did you pick?" "I don't remember."

1aavvu

Someone call for a religious joke

A Daoist monk, a Father, and a Priest talking about how to cleanse their temples that have been overridden with squirrels. the monk says "Well, I decided that it is Gods will for the squirrels to be there so I left them alone". The Father says "I spread fox urine around which worked for a week, but the squirrels wised up so they came back". The Priest exclaimed "I got rid of them! I caught each one, then baptized them so they only come back on Christmas and Easter!"

1aaplt

Wanna hear a potassium joke?

K

1aanje

what do you call a blonde that dyed her hair brunette.

artificial intelligence.

1aalmc

south park buzz

bazinga punk!

1aake1

Whats the difference between a woman in church and a woman in the bathtub?

One has hope in her soul, the other has soap in her hole.