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english_jokes

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1aah3m

A Higgs Boson walks into the Vatican...

A Higgs Boson walks into the Vatican. Pope Francis looks at him and says "Why are you here?" The Boson replies "I'm here because you can't have Mass without me." (Credit goes to JohnG - http://news.yahoo.com/physicists-found-higgs-boson-101311366.html)

1aagxo

knock knock jokes!!!!!!!!!!!!

knock knock who's there? hugh hugh who? huch need to listen to me!

1aagpl

A racist joke

What is the difference between a pizza and a black guy? A pizza can feed a family of four.

1aagn8

When does an astronaut eat his favourite meal?

At launch time.

1aaghy

The new Pope

So now that the new Pope is Argentinian they may say that they own Vatican City because they had a temporary residance there. It's not like it has happend before.

1aad84

Oh johnny..

Little Johnny is taking a shower with his mother and says, “Mom, what are those things on your chest?” Unsure of how to reply, she tells Johnny to ask his dad at breakfast tomorrow, quite certain the matter would be forgotten. Johnny didn’t forget. The following morning he asked his father the same question. His father, always quick with the answers, says, “Why Johnny, those are balloons. When your mommy dies, we can blow them up and she’ll float to heaven.” Johnny thinks that’s neat and asks no more questions. A few weeks later, Johnny’s dad comes home from work a few hours early. Johnny runs out of the house crying hysterically, “Daddy! Daddy! Mommy’s dying!” His father says, “Calm down, son! Why do you think Mommy’s dying?” “Uncle Harry is blowing up Mommy’s balloons and she’s screaming, ‘Oh God, I’m coming!’”

1aab87

Why don't bats sleep outside?

You ever deal with a sunburned asshole?

1aaax0

As I read my son's suicide letter, I couldn't help but feel that I had failed him as a parent....

His grammar and spelling were terrible.

1aaagm

Interview joke . National Public Radio (NPR) interview between a female broadcaster and US Marine Corps General Reinwald.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: So, General Reinwald, what things are you going to teach these young boys when they visit your base? GENERAL REINWALD: We’re going to teach them climbing, canoeing, archery, and shooting. FEMALE INTERVIEWER: Shooting! That’s a bit irresponsible, isn’t it? GENERAL REINWALD: I don’t see why, they’ll be properly supervised on the rifle range. FEMALE INTERVIEWER: Don’t you admit that this is a terribly dangerous activity to be teaching children? GENERAL REINWALD: I don’t see how. We will be teaching them proper rifle discipline before they even touch a firearm. FEMALE INTERVIEWER: But you’re equipping them to become violent killers. GENERAL REINWALD: Well, ma’am, you’re equipped to be a prostitute, but you’re not one, are you? The radio went silent and the interview ended.

1aa9ux

What to NEVER EVER EVER say to a fat girl (or a girl who is overly conscious of her own weight). (OC)

As part of our team, you're expected to pull your own weight.

1aa901

I would make a 9/11 joke

But that would just be plane wrong.

1aa7vc

How many cancer patients does it take to change a light bulb?

1 and 12 people to say how inspiring it was

1aa4cb

Some people complain about it, but I don't really mind going into work every morning...

It's the 8 hour wait to go home again that pisses me off.

1aa3wo

I found my first grey pubic hair today. I can accept getting old, but it was in my Big Mac.

1a9za2

I've got an old condom joke I wanted to share on Reddit with you guys...

...but it's already been used once.

1a9r8e

Have you ever had Ethiopian food?

Well we're having it tonight. It's [wats](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Wat_%28food%29) for dinner!

1a9o7i

How many black people does it take to screw in a light bulb?

3/5

1a9nu6

My wife's a biology teacher...

This morning she asked how I wanted my eggs. I told her, "Ovariesy."

1a9kqe

The Devil on Sunday

One Sunday morning, Satan appeared before a small town congregation. Everyone started screaming and running for the front church door, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away. Pretty Soon, everyone was gone, except for an elderly gentleman who sat calmly. Satan walked up to the man and said, "Don't you know who I am?" The man replied, "Yep, sure do." Satan asked, "Aren't you going to run?" "Nope, sure ain't," said the man. Perturbed, Satan asked, "Why aren't you afraid of me?" The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for over 48 years."

1a9hrs

Why did the chicken cross the mobius strip?

To get to the same side.

1a9hjz

The armless bell ringer.

A church was looking for a new bell ringer and so had posted fliers for anyone wanting the job to come speak to the priest. The next day a man with no arms showed up wanting the job. "I don't want to offend you, sir," said the priest," but how exactly do you plan on ringing the bell with no arms?" "Have a little faith, father!" said the man, "just take me up the tower and I'll show you." The priest led the man up to the bell, and the man proceeded to walk to one end of the room and sprint full speed toward the bell. He crashed headlong into the bell which rung with a resounding BONNNNNNNNG and the man bounced off, fell out of the tower and hit the ground dead. A crowd gathered to see what had happened and one man exclaimed "My God! Does anyone know this poor soul?" A man in the back of the crowed said "No, but his face sure rings a bell."

1a9fk4

I heard the Vatican was making a movie. The name?

Pope Fiction

1a9fbh

Old joke from East Germany.

Three guys work at a factory: 1st guy comes 5 minutes too late for work. Gets arrested for sabotage. 2nd guy comes 5 minutes too early for work. Gets arrested for espionage. 3rd guy comes to work on time. Gets arrested for possessing a West-Uhr. (a watch from the west)

1a9crn

What do you call 2 Mexicans in a boat with a case of beer?

A piñat

1a9ba4

You know, there's one thing I have yet to witness in life.

A crippled stand-up comedian.

1a9aub

GUESS WHAT I SAW!

Wood.

1a9aad

Knock Knock!

**Knock Knock** Who's there? **Britney Spears** Britney Spears who? **Knock Knock** Who's there? **Oops I did it again!**

1a98q4

Did you hear about the guy who is both a taxidermist and a veterinarian?

He has a sign on his door: “Either way, you get your dog back.”

1a98dn

Teach us About Absolute Zero!

0K!

1a97a1

Did you hear about the LEGO truck that crashed on the highway?

Authorities are still trying to piece everything together...

1a90gb

The LAPD, The FBI and The CIA

The LAPD, the FBI and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it. The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist. The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and they made no apologies. The rabbit had it coming. The LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling, "Okay! Okay! I'm a rabbit! I'm a rabbit!"

1a8ziv

My brother is so poor...

...He had to jerk off the dog to feed the cat.

1a8z0d

What do you call a midget with Down Syndrome?

you call him a little slow

1a8w2j

What was wrong with the wooden car?

It wooden go.

1a8vya

So I heard a new Pope was elected today...

His wife and kids must be so proud!

1a8vkl

What's the difference between 3 dicks and a joke?

Your mom can't take a joke.

1a8vi8

A Jewish girl..

..asks her father, "Dad? Can I have 50 dollars?" he says, "40 dollars? What do you need 30 dollars for?"

1a8u23

I know it's sick...

But I'm curious about what bulimics do in the toilet.

1a8rtk

A DEA officer stopped by our farm the other day...

"i need to inspect your farm for growing illegal drugs." I said "Okay, but don't go in that field over there..." The DEA officer verbally exploded saying, "Mister, i have the authority of the Federal Government with me!" Reaching into his rear pants pocket, the arrogant officer removed his badge and shoved it in my face. "See this fucking badge!? This badge means I am allowed to go wherever i wish... On any land! No questions asked or answers given! Have i made myself clear?... do you understand?!" I nodded politely, apologized, and went about my chores. A short time later, i heard loud screams, looked up, and saw the DEA officer running for his life, being chased by my big old mean bull... With every step the bull was gaining ground on the officer, and it seemed likely that he'd sure enough get gored before he reached safety. The officer was clearly terrified. I threw down my tools, ran to the fence and yelled at the top of my lungs... "Your badge, show him your fucking badge!!"

1a8qt0

What's so bad about being a virgin, anyway?

It means fucking nothing.

1a8nb8

A few somewhat racist jokes...

* What do Nike and kkk have in common? They both make niggers run fast. * Why do Jews like watching porno's backwards? They like the part where the Hooker gives back the money. * Why did Michael Jackson go to K-Mart? He heard Boys pants where half off. * What do u call a little Mexican? A Paragraph because he's not quite an Essay yet. * How do you BlindFold a chink? Dental Floss. * Whats the Objective of Jewish Football? To get the quarter back. * Did you hear about the new Black Barbie? It comes with 12 kids, AIDS and a welfare check. (Father sold separately or not at all.) * What is the difference between a pair of jeans and an Ethiopian? A pair of jeans only has one fly on it. * Did you hear about the jewish child molestor? He hid in the bushes and said, "Hey little boy, wanna buy some candy?" * Why did Michael Jackson place a phone call to Boyz-2-Men? He thought it was a delivery service. * A man goes into a shop and sees 3 jars on a table. The first jar says Caucasian Brains, $5.00 a pint. The second says Asian Brains, $10.00 a pint, and the third says Nigger Brains, $100.00 a pint. Hey, why are these nigger brains $100 bucks a pint? asked the man. The shop owner replied, You know how many niggers you have to kill to get a whole pint of brains?

1a8kuo

I heard German invented new DDR-memory...

It's called "cyclone bee"

1a8itq

I was bit by a rattlesnake last summer. After three days of excruciating pain

the snake died

1a8hgw

After weeks of speculation that the new pope would be black...

...alter boys at the Vatican are letting out a collective sigh of relief

1a8cww

Viagra side effect.

I'm reaching out on behalf of a golf buddy of mine who needs some help! His wife told him to go out and get some of those pills that would help him get an erection. When he came back, he handed her some diet pills. Anyway, he's looking for a place to live. Let me know if you can help.

1a8brj

You know I was thinking about not getting fat,

But I really had a lot on my plate at the time..

1a8bhx

They used to be called "Jumpolines"

Till your mother had a go.

1a8a5r

My daughter has reached that age where she's asking embarrassing questions about sex

Just this morning she said, "Daddy, is that the best that you can do?"

1a89ts

I like a girl with words tattooed on her back.

Gives me something to read while i'm in the shitter.

1a87we

I have sexdaily...

I mean dyslexia fcuk!!! >_<

1a7xnd

What's the difference between a hippie chick and a hockey player?

A hockey player showers after three periods.

1a813f

new family robot

A father buys a lie detector robot that slaps people when they lie. He decides to test it out at dinner one night. The father asks his son what he did that afternoon. The son says, "I did some schoolwork." The robot slaps the son. The son says, "Ok, Ok. I was at a friend's house watching movies." Dad asks, "What movie did you watch?" Son says, "Toy Story." The robot slaps the son. Son says, "Ok, Ok, we were watching porn." Dad says, "What? At your age I didn't even know what porn was." The robot slaps the father. Mom laughs and says, "Well, he certainly is your son."The robot slaps the mother.Robot for sale.

1a801u

I went to a zoo and there was only one animal...

It was a 'Shih Tzu'