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english_jokes

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5tug0u

Some women love playing hard to get.

Closing their blinds, locking their doors, calling the police...

5tufw5

I hate it when it heils outside...

I always blame the Nazis.

5tuf3t

A Girls Sleepover

Amy: Truth or dare? Lingling: Truth. Amy: Where's Sarah's dog? Lingling: Dare. **lmao this is old asf and i am in no way racist, this just made me laugh**

5tuey8

My aunt Marge has been in hospital for a while.

I can't believe she's not better.

5tudi7

Mr and Mrs..

Mr and Mrs Sterile have no children.

5tudfa

Why are women so clueless?

They never bothered with the "Y".

5tuddt

A man stands, chain smoking at a bus stop...

A man stands, chain smoking at a bus stop. The woman standing next to him says "Hey, don't you know that those things can kill you? I mean, didn't you see the giant warning on the box?!" "That's OK..." says the guy, puffing casually, "I'm a programmer" "So? What's that got to do with anything?" "Errors are serious, warnings are nothing...".

5tudbs

If it looks like a duck, and sounds like a duck...

It probably identifies as a napkin and how dare you assume it's species.

5tud7p

Californians hate walls so much...

They cried until the Oroville dam collapsed.

5tud6j

A man drove his car into a tree.

He found out how a Mercedes bends.

5tud5j

Favorite sandwich

So, I was talking to my friend the other day, and we ended up talking about our local deli.   I asked him what his favorite sandwich was, and he told me it was the pastrami salami sandwich.   Then I said "I don't remember that one. What's on it exactly?"   He said "It's the one with the synthetic pork and lard sausage."   I said "No, you're thinking of the phony bologna sandwich."

5tuck5

I found a place where the recycling rate is 98%

/r/Jokes

5tua38

I wanted to make a joke about chemistry tests

But NaH

5tu968

Pass the dam fish!

A boy is selling fish on a corner. To get his customers' attention, he is yelling, "Dam fish for sale! Get your dam fish here!" A pastor hears this and asks, "Why are you calling them "dam fish." The boy responds, "Because I caught these fish at the local dam." The pastor buys a couple fish, takes them home to his wife, and asks her to cook the dam fish. The wife responds surprised, "I didn't know it was acceptable for a preacher to speak that way." He explains to her why they are dam fish. Later at the dinner table, he asks his son to pass the dam fish. He responds, "That's the spirit, Dad! Now pass the fucking potatoes!"

5tu8n8

What did scorpion say to your ugly mum

Stay oveerrr there

5tu89x

Finding the perfect shower temperature on the first try is like my girlfriend

Non existent, but I hope every day.

5tu7s0

A dick has a sad life if you think about it

His hair is a mess, his family is nuts, his neighbour is an asshole, his best friend is a pussy and to top it all off, his owner beats him regularly.

5tu744

Why did the invisible man quit his new job?

He just couldn't see himself doing it.

5tu6tw

What do you call it when a Mexican provides hands-on internet services?

Emanuel Labor

5tu4wi

PSA: You should all donate money to testicular cancer research.

It's a no-ball cause. (But seriously you should)

5tu3fe

I'm a very busy businessman, but my wife still demanded that I take her out for valentine's day...

Vinnie, my hitman, said he'd do it for me.

5tu1ua

Shopping Cart racing

Every time I see someone racing their shopping cart down the parking lot I secretly hope they run into a car. Wham!

5tu1sd

Jehovah's witnesses are always banging on my door everyday

Joke's on them, I'm never letting them out of my basement.

5tu1g5

The choice for president came down to two candidates: the moody bitch or

Hillary Clinton.

5ttyvk

Did you hear about the troublesome teaspoon?

It went into the kitchen and caused a stir.

5ttyps

I was standing in line for hours showing my appreciation to everyone I met.

It was a thanqueue.

5ttyb7

I asked my wife what she wanted for Valentine's Day, and she said "Something long and powerful that vibrates."

I hope she likes her new weed eater!

5ttxvs

Who's the father of corny jokes?

Popcorn!

5ttxs9

Why are Jewish men usually circumcised?

Because Jewish women won't take anything that's less than 10% off

5ttx02

Who is Trump's favorite YouTuber?

CrazyRussianHacker.

5ttww6

My mum calls me Scott, but my friends call me

when they want something

5ttwuc

My friend is trying to convince me to replace all my skin with a plush brown material

But I won't be suede

5ttwmo

I was doing CPR the other day

And wow, that sure is a work out, it really....gets the blood moving

5ttvi9

Never swallow scrabble tiles...

That shit could spell disaster

5ttvgk

What kind of tea is hard to swallow sometimes?

Re-ali

5ttuqh

What marker is only sold in shady areas?

Mr. Sketch.

5ttulk

A woman gets a new number

She sends a text message to her husband. W - "Hi honey, this is my new number. Can't wait to see you tonight" M - "Hey babe. I can't tonight. I'm having dinner with my wife"

5ttsv3

How do pirates have babies?

They Aaarrrrrrrrrrtificially Inseminate.

5ttspq

A woman was getting out of the shower

As her husband was getting in; and she heard the door bell and quickly wrapped herself in a towel and went downstairs. She opened the door and it was their next door neighbor, Mike. He said, I'll give you eight hundred dollars if you drop that towel right now. She thought, well that's a lot of money, so she dropped the towel. He gave her the money and left. She went upstairs and told her husband that the neighbor Mike had come by. He asked if he gave her the eight hundred dollars he owed him.

5ttpqx

it all

The title says it all.

5ttp8r

During science class at school, I lowered the pressure and temperature in my lab flask, and introduced some tiny ice crystals to it. But my tutor stopped me and sent me home for trolling.

How was I supposed to know it was bad to trigger snowflakes!

5tto6p

A Frenchman, an Italian and a Jewish man die and go to heaven....

An angel ushers the Frenchman into a room filled with every French delicacy imaginable and instructs him - you can eat whatever you want, but if you eat anything from this table, at 5:00 a boiling pot of French onion soup will be wheeled in and you're going in it. The Frenchman thinks for a moment and stands back in fear. An angel ushers the Italian into a room filled with every Italian delicacy imaginable and instructs him - you can eat whatever you want, but if you eat anything from this table, at 5:00 a boiling pot of Minestrone soup will be wheeled in and you're going in it. The Italian thinks for a moment and stands back in fear. An angel ushers the Jewish man into a room filled with every type of Jewish delicacy imaginable and instructs him - you can eat whatever you want, but if you eat anything from this table, at 5:00 a boiling pot of chicken soup will be wheeled in and you're going in it. The Jewish guy thinks for a moment and begins stuffing his face with food. The puzzled angel has never seen this before. No one ever dared to eat the food in fear of being thrown into the boiling soup. He asked the Jewish fellow - I don't understand, the Frenchman and Italian were too scared to eat, are you not afraid? The Jewish guy answered - nah, I know how these Jewish events work, 5:00 is never 5:00 and the soup is never that hot.

5tto1g

Have you ever noticed that Ireland is just one sea away from....

Iceland

5ttnko

My wife said she wanted to feel special this Valentines Day.

So I bought her a helmet and some crayons.

5ttniy

It must be hard working as a prostitute.

After all, work just comes and goes.

5ttn62

For the valentines spirit

Roses are red violets are blue I am pregnant but it is not from you

5ttmst

roses are red, violets are blue

in soviet russia, poems write you.

5ttmh7

my friends carter and jack

that's it. that's the joke.

5ttmaz

Dad’s Brilliant Business Plan

Scene: A conversation with my friend’s father, who knows I do 
Web design. Father: I have a business idea. How hard is it to make a Facebook? Me: Oh, very easy. Friend: He doesn’t mean to make 
a Facebook profile. He means to 
remake all of Facebook. Me: Oh. Very hard. Father: Oh, OK.

5ttlm4

How did Anne Frank tie her shoes?

In little Nazis!

5ttllh

I recently came into some money.

You should have seen the look on the cashier's face

5ttlfx

My sister can't stop having sex.

I think she's addickted.

5ttla0

You know what I hate?

People who answer their own questions.

5ttkzg

The pathology lab was robbed last night. The stool samples were gone!

The supervisor couldn't believe it. He lost his shit.

5ttkn5

How do you call a vegetarian spy?

A Spynach

5ttk92

Valentine day gift

Husband : What do you want for Valentine Day ?? Wife : Give me One Ring, that's enough .. Husband : From Landline or Mobile ??

5ttjpf

When I went to pay for my items in a spiritualist shop I noticed a sign saying 'Queue on the other side'.

So I killed myself.

5ttjel

What My Girlfriend Thought, First four Dates:

1. Nice shirt. 2. Wow. A second nice shirt. 3. OK, first shirt again. 4. He has two shirts.

5tthyn

Q: What do you call an anorexic with a yeast infection?

A: A quarter pounder with cheese.

5ttgh4

Why was the pencil s bad influence on the paper ?

His darkness rubbed off on him

5ttfej

*Airhorn sound*

*Second airhorn sound* Me: "Well this clearly isn't deodorant."

5ttej0

Celebrating birthdays is good

Numerous studies say that people who celebrate more birthdays live for longer

5ttdr1

A bag of salt was crossing the road.

Suddenly he tripped and fell, spilling his contents all over the road. Sensing no movement at all for quite some time, the road asked: "Do you need some help so you can get up, cross the road and finish this joke? What's wrong?" The salt replies: "Freezing point depression."

5ttdm0

What's the best thing about John Cena jokes?

You can't see them coming

5ttdbj

A rich guy dies and goes to the gates of heaven.

He offers Peter gold, thinking he can buy his way in. Peter looks at it and says, "You brought me pavement?"

5ttbx5

I left my wife

At the grocery store. I told her I would wait in the car. What I didn't tell her was that I would move the car to the other end of the parking lot, and watch for her to come out. Something tells me that after 15 minutes of searching, she'll feel the same way I did in the dairy section. Which butter is healthiest, she wondered, after reading the first 3 labels. She's probably still reading them. I can't wait to learn which one she'd chosen.

5tta1e

Posting a joke on a Reddit is like going in a bar.

Sometimes you get lucky, but most of the time you just lose your self esteem

5tt8k5

Why did the frog cross the road?

Some geeky kid in the 80's forced it to.

5tt8bq

How Many Times is This Shit Going to Get Reposted?

Doesn't matter you Reddit anyway.

5tt805

An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman are driving through a desert.

An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman are driving through a desert when their car breaks down. They decide they must walk across the desert. The Englishman takes an umbrella out of the boot and begins walking. The Irishman takes out his flask, fills it with whisky and follows the Englishman. The scot rips the door off the car and runs to catch up with the others. Sometime later they come across an Arab caravan. A man walks up to them and says to the Englishman ‘Sahib, you know that it does not rain around these parts?’ The Englishman replies ‘Ah but you see it is not for the rain, it is for the sun.’ And so the Arab knew the Englishman was truly wise. He turns to the Irishman and says ‘You have a flask but it is not filled with water?’ ‘Well you see’ says the Irishman ‘water can be trouble around here so I filled it with something more precious instead.’ And so the Arab knew the Irishman was truly wise. ‘And you sir, for what reason do you carry the door?’ so the Scotsman says ‘Well I figure, if I get too hot I can just wind down the window.’ *formatting

5tt7cq

A farmer was letting his 26 cows graze on a field near his farm with his dog

when suddenly he sees a rain cloud approach. He doesn't want his animals getting soaked or they might end up cold. He quickly scavenges for a bunch of branches and combines it with a tarp that he brought just for this occasion to build a make shift shelter. He whistles for his dog to herd them under the haphazard roof. He does a quick count and is shocked to find he suddenly has 30 cows. The next day he brings his wife along with his cows. Without even waiting for rain he builds a canvas roof and herds all his cows inside and again his 26 cows turn into 30. But his wife is less than impressed. "Don't you think that's amazing?!" he asks her. The Wife replies, "It's just as expected, you rounded them up to the nearest tent."

5tt6nx

How did Trump avoid discovery when all of the main means of communication were being traced?

He used the alternative fax.

5tt6dg

What's black and eats pussy?

Cervical cancer.

5tt5wc

I'd like to think that my girlfriend and I have a relationship that is above being forced to buy simple gifts as part of a made up holiday that exploits working class people through the commercialism of enormous corporations

But I'd also like to get laid tomorrow night, so Walgreens after work it is.

5tt5qg

[NSFW] What does the South side of Chicago hate about their police chief?

His subject matter is poorly executed.

5tt48v

Cage the Elephant only won the Grammy out of pity...

...because they're originally from Bowling Green, and everyone was sorry for the loved ones they lost.

5tt469

So I was jogging around the track at the gym and this really hot Latina chick passed me. I gave her a friendly wave and said "hola."

However, she kept running and didn't say anything to me. I shrugged and kept going, thinking that maybe she didn't hear me. About 10 minutes later, she caught up to me again, and I once more waved and said "hola." Still, she kept her eyes straight ahead as she passed me and didn't respond. At this point, I was a little offended and felt determined to at least get a response of some kind from her. Finally, about 10 minutes later she caught up to me again, and as she passed I said "hola" somewhat louder than before. She finally slowed down and turned back to me and said "A few times I've been around this track, so it's not just gonna happen like that, 'cause I ain't no hola back girl!"

5tt3rx

I just dropped my phone in a load of mayo.

What the hellman!

5tt2ru

What's the smallest organ in a goat?

An ISIS members' dick.

5tt2lg

What's Batman's favorite drink?

Nothing...just ice

5tt2bs

4 hookers

How do you get 4 hookers on to one stool? Turn It upside down.

5tt1kn

I was at a party and I lost my watch

I started looking throughout the house, and when I turn a corner there's a guy standing on my timepiece, borderline groping and harassing a girl. So I go up and punch the guy, that's not gonna happen. Not on my watch.

5tt1dp

roses are red, violets are blue,

pornhub is down; your facebook will do

5tt17w

Dad, Am I adopted ?

I don't know, ask your other dad.

5tszzo

Communism jokes aren't funny

Unless everyone gets them

5tszwx

American Billionaire Grant Cardone is seeing a top psychiatrist.

Apparently, he has a huge apartment complex.

5tsy9f

A Man Escapes From Prison

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife: "Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you." To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"

5tsxy7

The worlds 4 most famous partially sighted musicians have got together.

They're starting a focus group.

5tsxno

What kind of bees make milk?

*boo*-bees

5tsx7f

I spend my valentines days like aging racist.

Sad and alone.

5tswwb

Humanity must have an Oedipus complex

Because they all want to fuck mother nature.

5tsv6s

Breaking: Donald Trumps hair has been reported as missing

Police are combing the area

5tsud4

Why do they have bar codes on the returning Swedish fleet?

So they can Scandinavian.

5tsua0

I once got into so much debt

I couldn't even afford my electricity bills, they were the darkest times of my life.

5tstyf

What do you call two eco terrorists humping a tree?

A treesome!

5tsts2

Back then, if I wanted to see her panties, I had to lift her skirt.

Today, if I want to see her panties, I have to spread her butt cheeks.

5tsss4

ELI5 why can you get dishonorably discharged from the Navy for boarding the wrong vessel just once?

Whooops wrong sub!

5tsqv9

I had to break up with my cross-eyed girlfriend...

Apparently, she was seeing someone else on the side.

5tsqe7

I hope I leave this world the same way I came into it...

Wrecking an 18-year-old's pussy.

5tsp5j

It all

The title says it all