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english_jokes

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5tqvz0

What do you get when you cross an insomniac, an agnostic and a dyslexic?

Someone who lays awake at night wondering if there really is a dog.

5tqvr2

What did the squiggly line say to the angle?

Your acute. (Squiggly line because gay because squiggly line =/= straight)

5tqvnp

What did trump say to Chinese president in a phone call?

"I will bomb Hiroshima Again"

5tqvdn

Breaking News:

As if it isnt broken fucking enough

5tqu2d

Need a joke for valentines card

Valentines is tomorrow and i just wondering anyone could tell me a jokes so i can write on it to my gf Thank you!!

5tqtu4

My dad won the lottery after having a stroke

Guess it was a stroke of luck.

5tqtre

For Sale: French WWII Rifle

Never fired. Only dropped once.

5tqtgl

A Trump supporter is glad the election is finally over & can go back to watching his favorite show on MSNBC...

he can now keep up with how his cousin, brother, & wife are doing while watching Lockup: Wichita.

5tqt0b

Damn girl, are you Muslim?

'cause that ass is bomb.

5tqsxi

I painted my computer black

so that it would run faster, but now it doesn't work.

5tqsa7

If it's yellow, let it mellow

If it's brown, stop it at the border and submit it to extreme vetting.

5tqrom

Quiet guy in class had this gem of a response

Military history class. We have this one guy in class who doesn't really say much and tends to keep to himself; just figured one of those 'man of few words' kinda guys. One day, we were discussing the planes used in WW2. Ensuing discussion goes as such Professor: So what planes did we have during that time? Student 1: Well we had the Cobra and Mustang Professor: Ok and what did the Japanese have? Student 2: Japanese had zeros Professor: And what was the main difference between us and them? Quiet kid: We didn't crash as much The professor tried to keep it together but started rolling, dropped his marker, and said 'Class dismissed'. We had 20 minutes left. Thanks quiet kid

5tqrc1

Did you hear about the movie in which a young fat lady gets kidnapped?

Its called "Beauty and the feast"

5tqr1t

Three Nuns Die

In a car crash and go to heaven, Sister Margeret, Sister Patricia, and Sister Mary. They meet Peter at the gates of heaven. Peter : " Before any of you get in, you need to wash the part of your body in the fountain of holy water that has been lustfully used to sin" Sister Margeret walks to the fountain and washes her hands. Peter : " Thankyou Sister Margeret you may walk through", Sister Patricia, your next. As Sister Patricia walks up, Sister Mary quickly runs and pushes her out of the way and gets to the fountain first. Peter : "Wait your turn!!!!, you cannot push in like that!!. Sister Mary: " Please!!! , Please!!!, let me wash out my mouth before Sister Patricia puts her ass in it!"

5tqqgy

A guy stuck his head into a barbershop and.....

A guy stuck his head into a barbershop and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looked around the shop full of customers and said, "About 2 hours." The guy left. A few days later, the same guy stuck his head in the door and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looked around at the shop and said, "About 3 hours." The guy left. A week later, the same guy stuck his head in the shop and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looked around the shop and said, "About an hour and a half." The guy left. The barber turned to his friend and said, "Hey, Bob, do me a favor, follow him and see where he goes. He keeps asking how long he has to wait for a haircut, but he never comes back." A little while later, Bob returned to the shop, laughing hysterically. The barber asked, "So, where does he go when he leaves?" Bob looked up, wiped the tears from his eyes and said, "Your house!"

5tqp88

What did one muffin say to the other?

'Whew! It's hot in this oven!' How did the other muffin reply? 'Holy shit! A talking muffin!' Go easy on me, it's my first post to reddit.

5tqp3w

They say people who stammer aren't idiots

But I'm not so sure about that, considering the only word longer than four syllables they know is "T-t-t-t...."

5tqows

A woman is at home when she hears someone......

A woman is at home when she hears someone knocking at her door. She goes to the door opens it and sees a man standing there. He asks the lady, "Do you have a Vagina?" She slams the door in disgust. The next morning she hears a knock at the door, its the same man and he asks the same question to the woman, "Do you have a Vagina?" She slams the door again. Later that night when her husband gets home she tell him what has happened for the last two days. The husband tells his wife in a loving and concerned voice, "Honey, I am taking an off tomorrow so as to be home, just incase this guy shows up again." The next morning they hear a knock at the door and both ran for the door. The husband whisperes to the wife, "Honey, im going to hide behind the door and listen and if it is the same guy I want you to answer yes to the question because I want to a see where he's going with this." She nods yes to her husband and opens the door. Sure enough the same fellow is standing there, he asks, "Do you have a Vagina?" "Yes I do." says the lady. The man replies, "Good, would you mind telling your husband to leave my wife's alone and start using yours!"

5tqo2p

A British guy, a Frenchman and a Russian were in a bar debating

whether Adam and Eve were British, French, or Russian. The British guy says, " Obviously they were both British, observe how Adam offered Eve some of his apple after he received it from her, true British manners". French guy says: "Non, non, monsieur they were both French. First of all they were both NAKED, and Eve was so feminine and seductive and drove Adam nuts". Russian guy says: "Both of you are wrong. I can prove conclusively that Adam and Eve were nothing but Russian. They had no clothes. They had no heat. All that was left to eat was one lousy apple and they called it paradise!"

5tqn5l

An Englishman, an Irishman and an American

Get drunk in a bar on the top floor of a skyscraper. The American says: "There's an updraft on the 7th floor that allows you to jump out this window and land on the 4th floor." "Bullshit" says the Irish. So the American jumps from the top floor and sure enough; just as he goes past the 7th floor, he slows down and lands on the 4th. "Fucking fun!" says the Irish guy as he jumps. And falls to his death. "You're a right cunt when your drunk Superman!" says the Englishman

5tqk1v

How do you give a vampire a concussion?

Hit it with a bat

5tqk02

Redneck murders are hard to solve.

Never any dental records and all the DNA's the same.

5tqjy4

My alarm clock decided to leave me tomorrow.

It would've left yesterday, but it's taking its time.

5tqic9

Why did the Spanish guy rob a train?

He had a *loco*-motive

5tqi5x

What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?

About 50 pounds.

5tqi4h

Luke cage

In marvels luke cage everyone thinks that luke has super powers because he's bullet proof. But bullet proof black people isn't a super power it's straight up evolution.

5tqhqh

My toilet left me today

Guess it couldn't take my crap anymore.

5tqgq1

I just realized how gay my clothes are.

They come out of the closet every morning.

5tqgpa

What kind of deodorant do dwarves use?

They don't like to choose but when they do they pickaxe

5tqfmv

Someone stole my Microsoft Office, and they're going to pay.

You have my Word.

5tqfll

The final solution to manspreading.

So my Jewish friend informed me that his mom was low key, unimpressed with his "manspreading". I feel bad; the rabbi could avoid all of this by cutting off just a bit more.

5tqfef

Hey Sue, wouldn't it be lovely to take a nice walk today?

"That would be lovely!" Great! Will you bring back some crisps and beer?

5tqeru

I have the most boring job of all...

I run an oil drill rig.

5tqe9f

She was a whisky maker..

..but I loved her still.

5tqdwk

What do you call a black man standing on a street corner?

A crack dealer

5tqcre

The Imperial Wizard of the KKK was just found dead near a river in Missouri...

Man, the moment the EPA gets threatened people start dropping white trash in our water.

5tqc4t

Why doesn't Sean Spicer wear a sign that says everything that comes out of his mouth is BS?

Because that would be redundant.

5tqboi

Condoms don't guarantee safe sex anymore....

My friend was wearing one and got shot by the woman's husband.

5tqbbu

Bill Gates and Steve Jobs Talk At A Bar After a Long Day of Gettin' Money

Bill: So I went to the bank yesterday to talk about a loan Steve: What do you need a loan for? Bill: Oh, I don't. The bank does.

5tqa4n

I'm sorry that I sent you Donald Trump

Reddit replies: Username checks out!

5tqa0g

What's the difference between Michael Jackson and an Xbox?

One is turned off by children.

5tq9qa

What do u get when an alien barges into your bathroom while you're taking a shower?

An invasion of privacy.

5tq9go

Life is like a box of chocolates

I don't like chocolate

5tq86m

What's the problem with lawyer jokes?

Lawyers don't think they're funny, and other people don't think they're jokes.

5tq84a

A girl with no arms and legs goes to the beach

A girl with no arms and no legs goes to the beach with her mother. While they are sitting on the beach, she starts crying and tells her mother that she's never gotten a hug before and she thinks the lifeguard is really cute and has her mother ask him if she can get a hug from him. Mom goes up to the lifeguard and tells him her daughter wants a hug. So he comes over while she is still crying and gives her a hug. As he's walking away, she starts crying more and the lifeguard asks what is wrong. She says she's never had a kiss before and asks if he could give her a kiss. The lifeguard is a little reluctant but gives her a kiss. As he is walking away the girl starts crying hysterically, and now the lifeguard is thinking, what the hell is wrong with her. He says to her "what's wrong" and she says back, "I've never had sex before, I've never been fucked"... the lifeguard then picks her up, walks over to the ocean and throws her in and shouts "THERE! NOW YOU'RE FUCKED!"

5tq6hq

Man travels to Spain

A man travels to Spain and decides to watch one of the bullfighting matches for which Spain is well known. The match was intense & thrilling. Unlike anything which can be found anywhere else in the world. Afterwards there was a celebration for the Torero (Bullfighter) and the crowd slowly dispersed, with the man leaving among the last of them so that he could savor the experience. Once he'd exited the arena, he noticed large groups from the group gathering at a restaurant across the street. Hungry, the man followed as well and decided to experience the native cuisine. As the night progressed, he had joined a few others at a table and began chatting with them joyously about the match. Until he noticed that at one table a very wealthy looking man had been made the center of attention by the restaurants staff as the chef personally brought out a special silver plate with strange meat on them. Curious, the man asked his new friends what was so special about that man. One of the men at his table explained that the man was a foreigner, much like him, who has payed handsomely for the privilege of eating the spirit of the bull which died in the arena. Which according to them was symbolically located in the testicles of the powerful animal. Obviously amazed by the ritual, he noticed how excited & happy the man was. Being quite wealthy himself, he asked if there was any way for him to pay for the same honor. After a short talk with the restaurants owner, he came to an agreement and reserved a plate for tomorrow. Though he didn't get a chance to watch the bullfights that day, he had anxiously been waiting since the previous night for this moment. And now that he was at the restaurant he couldn't help but rush to his table and wait for his meal. After a few moments, the staff gathered and the chef brought out the same plate as the previous night, except that there was noticeably less meat on it this time. Confused, the man asked the chef if the bull had been smaller than the one from yesterday. The chef merely replied that the bull is quite large, alive, and in good health, it was the Torero who lost today.

5tq5om

How many dead hookers does it take to change a light bulb?

Apparently not three because my basement is still dark.

5tq5o9

Hey, what does a fire sit on?

It's Ash

5tq5g7

In some situations in life, I find that you just need a little push.

I might be a door.

5tq4ug

What do you call a piano player with no arms or legs?

Clever dick.

5tq4lp

What do you call Chewbacca's Chinese cousin?

A Fortune Wookie

5tq4ik

[NSFW] If sleeping with an Asian gets you your yellow belt, what do you get when you sleep with a Muslim?

A suicide belt

5tq444

What's the difference between tired and exhausted?

When you run in front of a car, you get tired. When you run behind a car, you get exhausted.

5tq3j7

Adele didn't originally want to perform at the Grammy's but they bugged the crap out of her till she said yes.

They must've called a thousand times.

5tq29w

A death row inmate asks as his last request to talk to Donald Trump.

Because he has nothing better to do, Trump agrees and meets with the man the day before his execution. Trump: "So, uh, what did you do?" Inmate: "I shot a bunch of people in a liquor store robbery, burned down a hospital and stole all their drugs, molested farm animals, blew up an orphanage, set homeless people on fire for fun, and sold my mother into sexual slavery in Thailand." Trump: "Wow. And why'd you wanna see me?" Inmate: "Because despite all the horrible things I've done, I can take my last comfort in being reminded of one fact - at least I'm not you."

5tq1as

Caught my penis cheating on my wife today.

Luckily after a few beatings, it learned it's lesson.

5tq0v7

If you are deaf and you have Parkinson's...

...is that like having a stutter?

5tq0jk

You know how they say "a woman's work is never done"?

Maybe that is why they get paid less.

5tq01h

Ordered 4 drinks at McDonald's.....

....so they wouldn't think all 50 chicken nuggets were for me.

5tpzqt

Italian Army tanks have five gears

Four reverse, one forward (in case they get attacked from the rear)

5tpzpr

If a dog played soccer, who would the dog play for?

BARKELONA

5tpxyu

My Grandfather told me my generation is to reliant on technology.

I told him, "no Grandpa, yours does." Then I unplugged his life support.

5tpvlv

What do electrical engineers use to clean up their equations?

A handkirchoff.

5tpvdl

It must suck to have your period on valentines day

But an even bigger pain in the ass.

5tpulr

Now that Russia decriminalized spousal beatings..

Men are finally Putin(g) women in their place

5tptmd

What do Jim Carrey and Bane have in common?

No one cared who they were 'til they put on the mask.

5tpsmu

I just put my hair in a bun.

It wasn't very nice, I think I'll try it with a croissant next time.

5tpoyf

My favourite sport starts with a "T".

It's golf.

5tpor5

A couple of hunters from Wyoming are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground.

He doesn’t seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: “My friend is dead! What can I do?” The operator, in a calm soothing voice, says: “Just take it easy. I can help. First, let’s make sure he’s dead.” There is a silence, then a shot is heard. The guy’s voice comes back on the line. He says: “OK, now what?”

5tpoec

My neighbours named their child "Saturn".

That's not something I'd call my child, but it has got a ring to it.

5tpn0c

I love dead baby jokes

Because they never get old.

5tpmqr

I asked my wife where she wanted to go for dinner.

She said, "Somewhere that has fish." So I pushed her in the river.

5tpkcx

A young girl comes home one day and approaches her father, who is sitting in the living room.

"Daddy," she says, "a strange man did something bad to me at the park today." The father, suddenly very attentive, turns to face his daughter. "Oh, god... okay, sweetie, you need to understand that it absolutely wasn't your fault, and you will not get in trouble for telling me about it. Can you explain what happened?" "Well," the girl begins, "I was playing in the sand, when the man came up to me and told me to come with him behind a tree." "Oh, god," mutters the father. "Then what?" "Then he pulled down his pants and showed me his thing." "Oh, god!" the father exclaims. "What happened next?" "Then," the girl continues, "he pulled up my dress and touched me on my underwear." "Oh, god!" shouts the father. "Sweetie, what happened after that?" The girl answers with a shrug. "Nothing. That was it." "Well, make something up! I haven't finished yet!"

5tpinr

Why does Trump think the food stamps program is unnecessary?

Because he's constantly providing us with low hanging fruit.

5tphqn

My girlfriend and I were moving each others comic book collection and now we both have to see a chiropractor.

Because we both have back issues.

5tph5j

I told my wife I'm her trophy husband...

Too bad it's just a participation trophy.

5tpgxy

China built a wall...

That's why you don't see any Mexican in China.

5tpgcz

A drunk blonde woman was sitting at a bar says to the barman,

A drunk blonde woman was sitting at a bar says to the barman, "Barfender, I'd like a marhini for my heartburn." The barman mixes her drink and puts in down in front of her. A few minutes later, she calls him over and says, "Barfender, I'd like a marhini for my heartburn." He rolls his eyes but mixes her drink anyway and sets it down in front of her. A few minutes later, she waves him over again and says, "Barfender, I'd like a marhini for my heartburn." The barman looks her up and down and says, "First off, it's bartender, not barfender. Second off, it's martini, not marhini. And third, you don't have heartburn, your boob is in the ashtray."

5tpfmb

A Cheesy Joke

My family spent all of today calling me by different cheese names. I told them I just wanted to be left provolone.

5tpewt

Only When you perfect the art of fishing and baiting hooks..

Will you become a Master Baiter

5tpdxs

What do you call a primate that works out?

A Gym-panzee.

5tpciu

Is there a reason you ate that entire fish sandwich?

To be honest, I did it for the halibut.

5tpbks

Schools should have a class designed for introverts...

*anti-social studies*

5tpb8z

A lawyer in the USSR comes out of the chambers laughing his head off.

A colleague approaches him and asks why he is laughing. "I just heard the funniest joke in the world!" "Well, go ahead, tell me!" says the other judge. "I can't – I just gave someone ten years for it!"

5tp9u1

what is blue and has 27 tits?

the trashbag at a cancer clinic.

5tp8pn

I just made life a whole lot simpler for an overweight friend of mine...

I explained to him that every restaurant in town is an "all you can eat" place.

5tp7un

What did the internet say to it's history?

"Cache me outside, how 'bout dat?"

5tp7pc

An American man goes on a business trip to Japan.

And he arrives there a day early before the meeting. So he decides to enjoy the night-life a little bit. The man goes out to a bar, picks up a lady after having a few drinks, and takes her back to the hotel. Eventually they start having sex and the lady keeps saying, "Oshi Moshi! Oshi Moshi!" The man thought that was weird but he kept going. The next day, he meets some business men on a golf course and sees one of them shank the ball. The guy is absolutely livid and shouts, "Oshi Moshi!" The American man looks at him and asks, "I hate to bother you, but what does 'oshi moshi' mean?" The golfer replies, "wrong hole!"

5tp7jx

What do you call a ginger Mormon?

An orang Utahn

5tp63g

Why did the princess marry the barbarian?

Because she thought he was brutiful

5tp4fp

Coding Jokes

post coding jokes I will <br> your heart

5tp3vl

It's not fair to compare Trump to Hitler.

Hitler appreciated the arts.

5tp3fo

Do you know the most outstanding thing about our illegal immigrants?

Their warrants. (Here come the down-votes!)

5tp2n4

Who are the most decent people at a hospital?

The ultra sound people

5tozii

What's the difference between Harry Potter and the Jews?

Harry Potter rode the train back. I'm not apologizing.

5tozbw

In which mountain range do fruit trees primarily grow?

The Apple-achian mountains.

5toy8l

I used to smoke weed in the 90's

Now I don't care what temperature it is

5towhk

So an Irish man walks out of a pub.

What? It could happen.

5toutu

What did Mary say when she saw Jesus with a massive erection?

He has risen.

5tou85

Did you hear about the potato the Russians put into space?

They called it Spudnik