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|---|---|---|---|---|---|
1 | TENNESSEE: We're the best state. Nobody even comes close. *Elevennessee walks into the room* TENNESSEE: Oh shit... | 1 | 2.42 | 1 | 0.2 |
2 | A man inserted an advertisement in the classifieds "Wife Wanted". The next day, he received 1000 of replies, all reading: "You can have mine." Free delivery also available at your door step | 1 | 2.5 | 1 | 1.1 |
3 | How many men does it take to open a can of beer? None. It should be open by the time she brings it to the couch. | 1 | 1.95 | 0 | 2.4 |
4 | Told my mom I hit 1200 Twitter followers. She pointed out how my brother owns a house and I'm wanted by several collection agencies. Oh ma! | 1 | 2.11 | 1 | 0 |
5 | Roses are dead. Love is fake. Weddings are basically funerals with cake. | 1 | 2.78 | 0 | 0.1 |
6 | 'Trabajo,' the Spanish word for work, comes from the Latin term 'trepaliare,' meaning torture. | 0 | null | null | 0 |
7 | I enrolled on some skill training and extra curricula activities that added shape to my weekends and after-work schedule. The more days passed, the more exposed I was to how blindly in love I was with an obsession. It's been months now and we are just cool as men. | 0 | null | null | 0.1 |
8 | ME: I'm such an original. Truly one of a kind. ALSO ME: [holding a glass of white wine] I love to laugh. | 1 | 1.79 | 1 | 0 |
9 | Men who ejaculated 21 times or more a month had a lower risk of prostate cancer than those who ejaculated four to seven times a month, according to researchers at Harvard T.H. Chan School of Public Health. | 0 | null | null | 0.05 |
10 | I got REALLY angry today and it wasn't about nothing, but you're going to have to take my word for that. | 0 | null | null | 0.15 |
11 | A dog in Mexico named Frida saved the lives of 12 people who were trapped under rubble after an earthquake in 2017. She has identified a total of 52 bodies throughout her career and is considered a national heroine. She's officially retired. | 0 | null | null | 0 |
12 | What's the difference between a Mormon man and a Muslim man. A Mormon man gets 72 virgins and THEN kills himself. | 1 | 2.2 | 0 | 2.95 |
13 | Stop calling 9-1-1 because you've run out of toilet paper. Yes. If you're running out of toilet paper don't dial 9-1-1. The number for that is 9-2-2.' -Stephen Colbert | 1 | 1.5 | 1 | 0 |
14 | When you march the streets shouting with people it's civil disobedience, but do it drunk by yourself and it's an involuntary 72-hour hold | 1 | 2.16 | 1 | 0.2 |
15 | Balsamic vinegar helps slowing the appearance of ageing signs healthy healthy food health | 0 | null | null | 0 |
16 | "When you stand in your struggles and share your story, it will heal you and it will heal someone else" - Iyanla Vanzant | 0 | null | null | 0 |
17 | "Grief comes in its own time for everyone, in its own way. So the best we can do, the best anyone can do, is try for honesty." | 0 | null | null | 0 |
18 | You can make any sentence creepier by adding "consenting" to it. "Just two consenting adults, riding a tandem kayak." | 1 | 1.78 | 1 | 0.2 |
19 | The better life goes to those who have to work harder for it because nothing is taken for granted. | 0 | null | null | 0.15 |
20 | me: if ant-man shrinks by making the space between atoms smaller then how does he go subatomic guy in the stall next to me: shut the fuck up | 1 | 1.55 | 1 | 0.9 |
21 | I'm not saying my pubes are getting too long, but when I get an erection, it looks like Pinocchio has gone and joined the Taliban. | 1 | 2.45 | 0 | 1.8 |
22 | You have an active gay account on Twitter. Yet, you spit hate against fellow gay dudes in public...shame on you. | 0 | null | null | 1 |
23 | We spend a long time focused on the future, planning it, working toward it. But at some point u start to realize your life is happening now. | 0 | null | null | 0 |
24 | My girlfriend is like the square root of -100. She's a 10, but she's imaginary. | 1 | 2.45 | 0 | 0.05 |
25 | When in fact this is a condition doctors are calling “Chromatica sickness”. | 0 | null | null | 0.15 |
26 | My wife left me because she said I made a meal out of everything. I intend to make her eat those words. | 1 | 2.65 | 1 | 0.15 |
27 | How do the Chinese select their baby names? They chuck a tin can down the stairs Ping Wong ching Pang | 1 | 2.4 | 1 | 3.8 |
28 | What a relief! I went into the doctor to have him look at a large mole on my chest. Turns out it wasn't cancerous, mostly because it was a dollop of bbq sauce and not a mole. | 1 | 2.89 | 0 | 0.25 |
29 | My father doesn't trust anyone. In fact he has a saying... But he won't tell me. | 1 | 2.95 | 0 | 0 |
30 | What's a specimen? Mama mia, it's an Italian astronaut! | 1 | 1.21 | 0 | 0.85 |
31 | I asked a pretty, young, homeless woman if I could take her home, and she said yes with a big smile. The look on her face soon changed when I walked off with her cardboard box. | 1 | 2.58 | 1 | 2.15 |
32 | I had a vasectomy so I won't have kids But when I got home, they were still there. | 1 | 3.21 | 0 | 0.15 |
33 | We should have not only candy canes, but candy wheelchairs, candy walkers, etc so the other mobility aids don't feel discriminated against. | 1 | 2.3 | 0 | 1.35 |
34 | Billy Joel doesn't sell the front row seats to his shows. He gives them away to random people in the cheap seats so the real fans are in front of him instead of just wealthy people. | 0 | null | null | 0.2 |
35 | Learn from the scars of others | 0 | null | null | 0.05 |
36 | Damn girl! Your name must be Ebola... All I can think about is you spreading. | 1 | 1.85 | 0 | 1.95 |
37 | I once interviewed for a position to become a blacksmith. They asked if I had ever shooed a horse. I said, "No, but I've told a donkey to fuck off." | 1 | 2.53 | 0 | 0.2 |
38 | Anybody that eats Tide pods is an idiot. They could go to Costco and get the generic brand for half the price. | 1 | 2.95 | 1 | 0.5 |
39 | "Maybe if my heart stops beating it won't hurt this much." - Paramore | 0 | null | null | 0 |
40 | Meth was used as a top-line antidepressant throughout the 1930s and 1950s. Gordon Alles, a Los Angeles chemist, patented the medication after injecting it himself. He became more talkative and described a "feeling of well being." | 0 | null | null | 0 |
41 | All I gotta say.. DON'T MISS NEXT WEEK's midseason finale Queen Sugar | 0 | null | null | 0 |
42 | BIKER: What should we name the gang? OTHER BIKER WHO IS ACTUALLY A REALLY TALENTED WRITER BUT WAS NEVER ENCOURAGED AS A CHILD TO PURSUE HIS GIFT SO HE FOUND COMMUNITY WITH A ROUGH BUT LOYAL GROUP OF GUYS: How about... The Hell's Angels. BIKER: Damn, man. Yes. | 1 | 1.76 | 0 | 0.2 |
43 | Some bonds defy distance, and time, and logic because some ties are simply meant to be. | 0 | null | null | 0 |
44 | Thomas Jefferson helped popularize mac and cheese in America. He would serve it to dinner guests during his presidency, and he even had his own recipe. | 0 | null | null | 0 |
45 | "Whoever finds a friend, finds a treasure." - Cars | 0 | null | null | 0 |
46 | What do you call bad breath that sneaks up on you? Ninjavitis. | 1 | 2.45 | 1 | 0 |
47 | What does a gay rooster say? "Anycockledoooooo!" ROFL | 1 | 2 | 1 | 2 |
48 | How can you tell when an Italian car has a flat tire? Dago wop wop wop | 1 | 1.5 | 1 | 2 |
49 | What helps me with these things is using that awareness as fuel. Fuel to teach others, to help me better navigate these systems better because, and to do what I can to impact my corner of the world | 0 | null | null | 0 |
50 | I never finish anything. I have a black belt in partial arts. | 1 | 2.75 | 1 | 0 |
51 | In 2018, a Missouri deer poacher was ordered to watch "Bambi" once a month for the entirety of his year-long prison sentence. | 1 | 1.71 | 0 | 0.2 |
52 | Two meth heads start a relationship, is that considered speed dating... Or just mething around? | 1 | 2.9 | 1 | 0.9 |
53 | Why does Kim Jong Un love books. Because he's the glorious Reader | 1 | 1.68 | 0 | 0.8 |
54 | When I was in college, I used to live on a houseboat and started dating the girl next door. Eventually we drifted apart. | 1 | 2.95 | 0 | 0.25 |
55 | "No matter what new adventure you're embarking on, you're still you. You bring you into every new beginning, so how different can it be?" | 0 | null | null | 0 |
56 | The most unbelievable part about Sesame Street (a show with an 8 foot bird) is that there is only one grouch in the whole neighborhood. | 1 | 2.89 | 0 | 0 |
57 | "Be peaceful, be courteous, obey the law, respect everyone; but if someone puts his hand on you, send him to the cemetery." - Malcolm X | 0 | null | null | 0.4 |
58 | Ten years after my death, my best friend finally opens the package I left him in my will. He's confused by the empty box. He wonders if there's been a mistake. Then, he smells the fart. Laughing, my ghost can now rest in peace. | 1 | 2.5 | 0 | 0.3 |
59 | Choose your words wisely, because you can't ask the angels to erase them | 0 | null | null | 0 |
60 | We don't give enough credit to the dads who spend their waking hours continually turning off lights and adjusting thermostats. These are the real unsung heroes of fighting climate change and reducing humanity's carbon footprint. | 1 | 2.27 | 0 | 0 |
61 | Roman scholar Marcus Terentius Varro predicted microbiology over 2,000 years ago. He wrote, "there are bred certain minute creatures which cannot be seen by the eyes, but which float in the air and enter the body through the mouth and nose and cause serious diseases." | 0 | null | null | 0 |
62 | "I am not a smart man, but I know what love is." - Forrest Gump | 0 | null | null | 0 |
63 | Hellen Keller walks into a bar. And then a table, and then a stool. | 1 | 3.15 | 1 | 2.1 |
64 | The year is 2125, we are touring the american ruins. The zombies are too fat to be of any immediate threat. | 1 | 2.58 | 1 | 0.6 |
65 | The tobacco industry gives tons of money to groups like the United Negro College Fund, buying the silence of our greatest leaders. | 0 | null | null | 0.25 |
66 | I'm a 26-year-old woman who is currently unemployed and I feel hopeless. Is there advice you can give me on ways I can set a track for my life? Auntie Red Tweet Tea | 0 | null | null | 0 |
67 | My girlfriend got a new tattoo on her inner thigh. It's a seashell. When you put your ear on it, you can smell the ocean. | 1 | 2.6 | 0 | 1.2 |
68 | Some exciting tings are happening and I can't say nothin' yet! Stay Tuned | 0 | null | null | 0 |
69 | I only believe 12.5% of the Bible. Which means that I'm an eightheist | 1 | 2.4 | 1 | 0.5 |
70 | My wife just found a pretzel in her hair and then she ate it and I didn't know I could love her more. | 1 | 2.71 | 0 | 0.05 |
71 | Why do Americans have good computers? Because they have no troubleshooting. | 1 | 2.16 | 1 | 1 |
72 | What do you think is the biggest threat to black mental health? | 0 | null | null | 0.15 |
73 | Replacing his statue is a waste of state funds and a waste of an opportunity to do the right thing. | 0 | null | null | 0 |
74 | I want to watch a chick flick, with my chick, as we eat chick-fil-a on a Sunday | 1 | 1.8 | 1 | 0.05 |
75 | Went to petit trois tonight and it was delicious! Man though, sitting in a high stool for all of dinner was tough on the old girl | 1 | 1.36 | 0 | 0.1 |
76 | I met a girl who said she liked Imagine Dragons. I asked her if she could Imagine Dragon these nuts across her chin. | 1 | 1.95 | 0 | 3.1 |
77 | Avoid tea/coffee with meals. Tannins in tea/coffee prevents absorption of some nutrients. tea halves the iron u get, orange juice doubles it | 0 | null | null | 0 |
78 | I'm waiting for them to invent a pleasure robot that's so lifelike, it won't have sex with me. | 1 | 2.8 | 1 | 0.4 |
79 | It's not my farting that bothers my wife, it's me yelling "Release the Kraken!!" right before I do it. | 1 | 2.6 | 0 | 0 |
80 | My wife was disappointed to find out why my nickname in college was "The Love Machine." I sucked at tennis. | 1 | 2.85 | 1 | 0.35 |
81 | January is the Monday of months | 1 | 2.43 | 0 | 0 |
82 | Arnold Schwarzenegger wasn't allowed to dub his own role for the movie "Terminator" in the German language. His accent was considered very rural by their standards and it wouldn't make sense for a machine from the future to sound like they were from the middle of nowhere. | 0 | null | null | 0 |
83 | I woke up with a pinched nerve in my back. The pain is bad... but even worse is the sick feeling from being betrayed by my most trusted friend, my bed. | 1 | 2.42 | 0 | 0.1 |
84 | Twitter: You need to have more conversations with other users in order to be successful on Twitter Me: *closes Twitter account* | 1 | 2.31 | 0 | 0 |
85 | A lumberjack went in to a magic forest to cut a tree. When he got there, he started to swing at a tree when it suddenly shouted, "Wait! I'm a talking tree!" The lumberjack laughed and said, "And you will dialogue." | 1 | 3.58 | 1 | 0 |
86 | Our children can't breathe. They can't be children and just play. - Dr. Cheryl Grills Black Minds Matter | 0 | null | null | 0.25 |
87 | There comes a point in your life when you need someone to speak to. Someone to love and make you feel loved. I've reached that point. | 0 | null | null | 0 |
88 | "You know what sucks about falling for a guy you're not right for? You fall anyway because you think he might turn out to be different." | 0 | null | null | 0 |
89 | Barack Obama goes to a costume party while giving his wife a piggyback ride. Someone asks him what he's dressed up as and he responds 'I'm a snail!' That's M'Shell on my back | 1 | 3.25 | 1 | 0.25 |
90 | Just learned there's people who don't clean their sinks regularly!!! | 0 | null | null | 0 |
91 | I'm so angry at Facebook. I can't believe they would leak my information after I signed up without reading any of the legal documentation, volunteered all the personal details about my life, and let them track my internet activity. How could they do this to me? | 1 | 2.79 | 1 | 0.05 |
92 | Actor Hugh Laurie realized he had severe clinical depression when he felt neither excited nor frightened after seeing two cars collide and explode in front of him at a charity demolition derby. He commented: "Boredom is not an appropriate response to exploding cars." | 0 | null | null | 0.05 |
93 | Brad Pitt should have his own line of deodorant called Brad's Pits | 1 | 2.55 | 1 | 0 |
94 | In celebration of getting 300K on Twitter I'm going to be holding a virtual meet and greet on my Instagram live at 6:30 EST. Just tune in. Request to join and you get to all one question then we'll do a screen grab picture. | 0 | null | null | 0 |
95 | Self-worth stems from first thinking you are worthy. | 0 | null | null | 0 |
96 | What do you call 2000 mockingbirds? Two kilomockingbirds (credit goes to my old physics book) | 1 | 2.8 | 1 | 0.45 |
97 | Why do birds fly south in the Winter? Because its too far to walk! | 1 | 2.5 | 0 | 0 |
98 | [first date] Her: I want a man who gives me butterflies Me: (pulls out shoebox of preserved dead butterflies) You are in luck | 1 | 2.79 | 1 | 0 |
99 | I used to get so upset by this one twitter account that went out of their way to shade me constantly. They knew everything I’d ever done and read every article about me and had a criticism for all of it. Then I realized: they’re watching EVERYTHING i do! They’re my biggest fan! | 1 | 2.58 | 1 | 0.05 |
100 | What do you call India's top TV Show? Dan Singh with the Sitars | 1 | 1.74 | 0 | 1.55 |