Left, two, three, four!
Company... halt!
Weapons straight ahead!
Take cover!
On your feet and march!
Take cover!
Left face!
Left, two, three, four.
Company, halt!
We're so exhausted.
A German must never fear fatigue.
Karl, I'm not complaining.
Damned chicken!
Fifty plus 10 equals 60, my friend. Did you count my king?
This is a republic. Kings don't count here.
This is how you dress when visiting a foreign land?
Candles, socks...
Mr. Haussmann, your bill is ready. It comes to 57 francs and 75 centimes... barring any error, of course.
I trust you, Mr. Rechampot.
You'll be paid within three months, as usual.
I'm not worried.
You always pay on time.
Maryvonne?
Come down here.
Our friend is about to leave.
- What?
- He's leaving.
He's leaving. Let's have one last drink.
Alas, I cannot.
You mustn't insult us.
A quick one will do you good.
The road is long. I must be back by tomorrow evening.
Exactly.
It'll give you strength.
Another time, madam.
So, my friend.
At ease.
If we weren't here to keep them supplied, the Germans would be in trouble.
Please convey my respects to your priests.
I'm sure they're out in the bush making new Christians.
They'll be back in two weeks, if they're not eaten alive fiirst.
Attention!
Take up your packs!
Hurry up over there! Faster!
On the double!
Company, right face!
Forward march!
Good Lord.
He works them hard!
Give my best to your offiicers!
Jawohl, madam.
I'll do that.
That's all well and good... but let's have a drink before Mr. Rechampot sells it all.
Look at this, all broken and beat up.
What can I give you for that?
Here, I'll give you a cross.
Now go on.
Let me see.
Here.
This Sacred Heart card is very nice.
Tell him a Sacred Heart is more than fair.
That's not even worth a cross.
He says he wants the big colored statue of the woman and child.
He says his necklace is extremely valuable.
Then he can keep his necklace and I'll keep my Sacred Heart.
I'll give you a cross for the rest and off with you!
This is really getting on my nerves!
- You shouldn't expect much here.
- They know us too well.
Next.
Fidele.
HAPPY NEW YEAR 1915
Yes, Sergeant?
Nothing.
I thought you might want to talk about... the younger sister of my brother-in-law's cousin.
The one I spoke to you about.
No, it was nothing.
Just talking.
But the young girl says... she can do everything just the way you like it.
Who taught her?
The old woman who comes often to visit you.
Tell her to come knock at my door one evening.
I'll do that.
You'll be pleased.
Leon?
Come on. Just for me.
I'm not in the mood.
The appetite grows with the eating.
Come on.
What's wrong?
Don't you ever get excited anymore?
To Mr. Lucien Herr, College of Advanced Education... 45 rue d'Ulm, Fifth Arrondissement, Paris... in care of Administrator Tarato...
St. Pierre de Samba, French Equatorial Africa.
Fort Coulais, January 6, 1915.
Dear teacher and, if I may, dear friend.'
Here is my punishment for not excelling in nobler gfields of study.
I should be teaching Greek in one of those pleasant schools... of which our province is so proud... but instead here I am under a summer sky... wandering through virgin savannahs... picking native grasses and collecting mineral specimens.
What good fortune to be a simple geographer.!
Africa is far from being the hell depicted in writings from the colonies.
Where I expected to encounter gfierce beasts...
I fiind only dogs, cows, chickens... and the occasional duck.
Where I expected ferocious savages... armed with spears, lances and poisoned arrows... ready to turn all travelers into a quick meal...
I meet only peaceful villagers... whose pastoral lives remind me... of the country folk in many parts of our own land.
The only dangers I battle here are boredom... and the company of a handful of our compatriots... with whom I must rub elbows.
Listen, just because it's my turn to be on watch tonight... you don't have to take such a long siesta.
Don't worry.
There's lots more for you.
The bastard!
Where are those empire builders... those modern-day knights and intrepid pioneers... that all those adventure novels had us dreaming of?
Payback!
So I feel quite alone here.
Moreover, it's been six months... since we've had any visitors or correspondence.
It seems such delays are not unusual in this part of Africa.
But I'm longing to know what is happening in Paris these days.
What are they playing at the theater and the opera?
What is Debussy composing?
What is Peguy up to?
And what's new with our socialist friends?
As for the colonies, tell our friends not to be so sure... about the inferiority of the black race.
Seen up close, this inferiority has less to do with the shape of the skull... or the composition of the blood... than with the conviction we hold of our own superiority.
At the risk of shocking you...
I daresay that in many respects... the natives are not far from meriting the honored name of "men."
Thank you, Barthelemy.
Dear teacher, I wish you a happy and peaceful 1915.
Respectfully yours...
Hubert Fresnoy.
There's no end to this junk.
Garbage!
This one's not too bad.
This we'll keep too.
Like the monsignor says, you can't even give this stuff away to charity.
In the provinces, maybe.
Bad taste has limits even in the provinces.
How I love this song!
Oh, my back!
- Thomas, how are you?
- Fine, Father.
- Are you here all alone?
- All alone.
- The other fathers aren't here?
But surely they'll be returning tonight?
I don't know.
Have they been gone a long time?
- Long time.
- Long time very much?
Long time a little.
And they left no word for us?
They said monsignor said they should join him.
What's all this about?
I don't know.
Didn't anything arrive for us at Fort Coulais?
Nothing.
So there is something after all.
This isn't for us?
Not for you.
It's for the young man who loves plants.
And where does that young man live?
Fort Coulais.
And where do we live?
You live at Fort Coulais.
But this isn't for us?
It's for you.
Great!
Something to read!
Jaures has been assassinated!
Who?
- Who?
- Jaures.
Go on.
Mr. Hubert, you mustn't get upset.
God in Heaven!
My friends, we're at war.
Who is "we"?
Us.
France.
What's the date on that, Father?
- August 3rd.
- My God.
Does it say how it turned out?
They only go up to August 13th.
Who are we at war with, Father?
Germany, of course!
Really?
I would have said the English.
- Damn it!
- What?
That means I'm out 57 francs and 75 centimes!
Germany's never going to pay now!
What?
Germany.
- It's right out there!
- So?
The Krauts are out there!
That's right!
Luckily they can't know yet.
Everything comes through us.
- You hear that, Bosselet?
- It's time to wake up.
What are you so excited about?
- We're not excited!
- Yes, you are.
Remember:
The military authorities take charge in a case like this.
Exactly!
And around here, that's you!
In any case, it's clear:
The motherland is in danger.
Vive la France.!
Aren't you going to say Vive la France?
You can't do that. Imagine how you'd look.
- Like French patriots, that's how!
- French patriots!
How do you even know this war isn't already over?
How can it be over?
It's hardly gotten started!
Mr. Rechampot, your little expedition could turn out very badly.
Something like that takes preparation, believe me.
And be careful about declaring war on the Germans.
They're no amateurs!
- There's only three of them!
- And they're all fools.
And I'd say their leader, Mr. Krafft, in not much different than you.
All brains and no brawn!
Mr. Krafft doesn't seem to me a man of action.
Please, Father, stay out of this.
Ever heard of Alsace and Lorraine?
Maybe I never told you... but I'm from Alsace.
Couldn't you show a little spirit at a moment like this?
To flight three Germans who've never done you any harm... you so-called Christians...
- What do you mean, so-called?
- That's right.
You're willing to risk massacring dozens of men!
What men?
There are only us and the blacks here, and at most a few soldiers.
That's enough, Mr. Rechampot!
Watch your tone, young man!
I'm on my home turf here!
- Anyway, this is a discussion for men!
- I am a businessman, sir!
In light of the law ofJuly 7, 1900, on organizing a colonial army... and the decree of February 7, 1912, and subsequent dates... on recruiting an army... and in light of certain indications of the existence of a state of war... between France and Germany... and in light of the responsibility vested in me...
I, Sergeant Auguste Bosselet... hereby call upon every man of French nationality... with permanent or temporary residence... at Fort Coulais in French Equatorial Africa... to place himself at my command.
Article Number 1:
A general draft is now in force.
This is better than a New Year's Eve party!
Hey, Marius, they're celebrating something.
Maybe that way they'll leave us alone tomorrow.
Residents of Fort Coulais... the Republic needs you.
In the name of France, I call upon all able-bodied natives... of the masculine sex... wishing to volunteer to support France for the duration of hostilities.
The engagement of such volunteers will go forward legally.
They will be provided with clothes, shoes and equipment... as supplies permit.
As a special bonus... each man will receive, while supplies last... a useful household item provided by the House of Rechampot.
Registration is now open.
Go on and join.
I'm glad that's over with.
These men don't understand French.
Someone should interpret.
What does it matter?
If they don't understand now, they soon will.
Anyway, I'm sure they agree.
Perhaps.
But it should be explained to them.
Marius, did you understand all that?
How would I not understand?
- Then you could explain to them.
- Of course I could.
What are you doing here?
Get the hell back to the store!
Step forward!
Did you see that?
Nobody helps out anymore.
Press your fiinger here.
Open your mouth.
We need to fiind you a name.
Let's see.
Saturnin.
Your name will be Armand.
What is it, son?
Don't like that one?
Then give him a different one.
I wrote down two and only give him one.
Jerome.
Open your mouth.
Alexis.
You are Volunteer Hippolyte.
Hippolyte.
I know your sister.
That's two, four, six, eight...
Two, three, four, fiive, six...
Out of my way.
Two, four, six, eight, 10, 12.
I counted 12 this morning.
That makes 12 rifles on the table... plus fiive hunting rifles, one of which is an automatic.
- I want that one back.
- Okay.
Return to owner.
So six and six is 12, and six is...
And six is 18.
Hey, knock it off!
You're making me lose count.
Six and fiive makes 11.
Six and fiive make 11, plus six make 17, plus 12...
Seventeen and...
Twenty-nine.
- Seventeen and 12 make 29.
- Whatever you say.
Twenty-nine?
Hell, this should be over quickly.
We've got fiive dry cases and two slightly damp cases of cartridges.
You see, Bosselet?
God is on our side.
Of course.
God is French!
All right.
I'll need a week to teach the volunteers the bare rudiments.
What?
A week? Are you crazy?
We're not running a pension!
They don't eat much, but it costs all the same.
All they need to know is how to load a gun!
They may well be idiots, but they can learn that in a day!
The regulations dictate a certain minimum instruction.
Don't think you're going to make these men into a real army!
You may not realize it, but we've been at war for six months now!
If you're looking for the element of surprise, Bosselet, don't draw this out.
You're right, Father.
I propose Sunday.
- Sunday?
- Why not?
You mean this Sunday?
Are you crazy?
We'd have to leave tomorrow night.
Exactly!
Sunday is when Protestants put on their big show in church.
They're distracted.
We show up and... pow!
We'll give them a blessing, all right!
Without getting into that... you can't go wrong choosing the Lord's day.
Still, tomorrow night...
That's not much time.
Clear the way!
Thank you, Lamartine.
So, my son, you chose the infantry?
I'd like to speak to you about something.
I intend to visit the Germans without delay.
If Mr. Krafft is indeed as much like me as you say...
I should have no trouble persuading him... that with ten against one, resistance is pointless.
But my plan would be more effective and persuasive... if one of you would accompany me.
No, Mr. Fresnoy.
Why?
You don't know the Germans.
You can't comprehend the German mentality.
At the moment it's yours I can't comprehend.
Look at this chic fellow!
You haven't seen my brother yet.
Fathers, take a look at the ambassadors of French style.
Ladies, are you going to keep us waiting much longer?
We're almost ready.
Look at her tiny waist!
A delicate orchid.
She's so pretty!
It's now 9:12.
9:12 on January 22, 1915.
We're preparing to go forth from our native land.
The land where life is sweet ends right here.
Over there is enemy territory... which we will conquer by force.
That over there could easily be the Rhine.
In fact, it is.
Let us cross the Rhine... even if, due to unfortunate circumstances... it is but a modest stream.
I must set an example.
Bosselet, send the flag over.
The flag has made it.
This is so exciting!
There it is.
We're there.
I recognize this spot.
Through that shrubbery.
Those two white spots.
Next to the cliff.
That's their base.
No use going on much further.
It's too hot.
Bosselet, we'll leave you here.
We're stopping here, but you keep on.
See you later.
But we're with you in spirit!
Here.
There's shade... and a nice view, and we're not too close.
We'll stop here.
Stop.
Halt!
The House of Rechampot is proud to bring you... an aperitif of noble and patriotic character... that you won't fiind at even the best seaside resorts.
Perhaps even Mr. Hubert... our Marquis of Geography, will do us the honor of...
Where is Hubert?
- Where is he?
- He was back there.
There he is.
Don't go!
Come back, Fresnoy!
Are you crazy?
Get over there!
Listen to me, son. You'd had some schooling.
I'm sure you're a real brain, but this is our home and our business!
These are serious and tragic events, bigger than all of us.
This is war, son, and we're all in it together.
You've been drafted like everyone else.
He thought he was beyond the law.
Hard to understand such a mentality.
Your fileid may be geography... but what we're creating here is history!
Marius, give me that bottle.
You'll drink like everyone else.
Weak stomach or no weak stomach, you'll drink to France.
Assomption!
Mr. Rechampot asked me to fiind out when your chickens will be ready.
- It's starting!
- To our brave soldiers!
That's the way, Bosselet.
He's really letting them have it.
Listen.
Pass me a little...
That's called a machine gun.
What?
What did he say?
A machine gun, madam.
I think they're right.
The bastards!
Whatever it is... if it keeps up like that...
I'd say it's time to close up shop.
quick, get everything together.
Hurry!
What does that fellow want?
- What's he saying?
- The volunteer says, "I fell in a hole.
I didn't see it.
It was hidden by branches.
At the bottom of the hole was a sharp stick."
The volunteer says, "You must go fiind my friend in the other hole.
The stick stuck him in the butt and he can't pull it out."
Virgin Mary, have mercy.
Others are coming!
It's nothing.
It's nothing!
The volunteer says, "I fell in a hole, and in the hole was a..."
Yes, we know!
Damn it!
This can't be!
Look at that!
Go away!
Go away!
You know any doctors in the area?
There are no doctors here!
Come on, come on!
Father.
We really only lost the bugler, after all.
So let the Krauts come anytime.
We've still got fiive soldiers.
I say they won't come.
And so what if they do?
The Germans aren't total savages.
We know them, after all.
White men can always reason with one another.
Unless we killed one of them.
What are you saying?
We didn't have time.
Don't worry.
We put up a pathetic flight.
Go on!
Have you no shame?
We recovered everything, sir.
Nothing is missing.
You witnessed my fiirst defeat.
You couldn't well have witnessed my second, now, could you... since this was my fiirst battle.
Make no mistake about it:
With their weapons, they can slaughter us anytime they want.
We're in a bad mess.
Very bad.
I acted like an idiot.
No surprise there.
I am one.
Not tonight, darling.
This isn't the time.
Come back some other night.
It's me, Sergeant.
Forgive me, Mr. Fresnoy.
What's going on?
What's the matter?
I'd like to speak with you... because I know you and I understand each other.
That's very kind of you to say.
Because I'm...
Five years away from retirement.
I was just putting it all down in my report.
Too bad we lost the bugler.
They gave us six soldiers and we have to return six to them.
They're counted the same as white men.
You may have to account for him one day... but I know you were pressured... by certain people around here taking the law into their own hands.
I wasn't keen on it.
You think those people can get us out of the flix they've put us in?
If you only knew them.
They're...
What do you plan to do now?
Finish my report.
What I meant is, do you know where you're heading?
For the time being, I've taken certain precautions.
And what about later?
Do you have a plan?
Yes, I do.
No, I have no plan.
Sit down.
I have a few ideas to propose to remedy the situation.
I know one doesn't learn how to flight a war from books... and you know me primarily as a geographer.
But I've also studied a bit of history.
I'm sure you have, Mr. Fresnoy.
Idea number one:
War is too serious to leave to shopkeepers.
I agree entirely.
Then follow me.
What is it?
Another of his nightmares.
I was dreaming...
You sure were.
There's someone here.
No, Assomption, there's no one here.
Everything's fline.
I said, "There's someone here," but they don't answer.
It's us, Father.
Ah, it's you.
Forgive us for disturbing your sleep.
We weren't asleep.
Sergeant Bosselet feels the moment has come... to calculate the consequences of yesterday's unfortunate expedition.
He's asked me to study how best to correct the situation... and I accepted.
But I'm well aware any effort will be of little use... unless our entire community is behind it.
That's why we've come to consult with you.
Well done.
We appreciate your initiative.
I consider a German attack unlikely for the next few nights.
They'll need to check up on their equipment fiirst.
So the danger... The immediate danger...
Will begin Thursday or Friday night.
A very brief delay.
You're right.
That doesn't leave us much time.
Also, given the improvised... not to say idiotic, nature... of our demonstration... it's clear we should expect no mercy.
Especially, Father, given the "German mentality."
I'm afraid you're right.
Then we agree.
Sergeant?
Please assemble our friends in the clubhouse in ten minutes.
The clubhouse in ten minutes.
Do we need to be there too?
Yes, of course.
What is all this about?
I won't be led around by the nose!
This is a republic!
Damn it, we're free men!
Paul.
Stop being an idiot.
Mr. Rechampot... what do you propose?
We're here to listen to everyone's ideas.
Do you know what you want?
Of course I do.
We want...
We don't want the Germans to come here.
And if they do?
If they do... we surrender.
Maybe you, but not me.
I won't surrender.
A Frenchman never surrenders if he can do otherwise.
That's what I meant.
If Mr. Fresnoy fiinds a way... of course I would not surrender.
So, Mr. Fresnoy, here is my answer:
If they come, we don't surrender.
But... they mustn't come.
- They mustn't come.
- We won't surrender.
We won't surrender if they come, but they mustn't come.
If that's what you expect of me, I have a few ideas to propose.
One thing is certain:
Mr. Rechampot has just said he has substantial inventory.
Substantial... but not enormous!
Paul, don't start.
When destiny places you in challenging circumstances... you must forget you're a businessman.
Precisely, Mr. Templier.
I propose you set out for St. Pierre de Samba tomorrow.
Yes, Mr. Hubert.
Sergeant Bosselet will give you a sealed envelope... which you will hand over to the military authorities.
Your mission is to bring back precise instructions... and all the men and equipment you can fiind.
Why me?
I have a store to run.
Everyone has a store to run.
Do as he says.
But there are two of you.
Why doesn't your brother go?
Because my brother is... an idiot!
You've been chosen... because you're best suited to such a sensitive mission.
Let's not get bogged down in shop talk.
Especially since the store is not very busy right now.
I could take care of it myself.
It seems everyone agrees.
- Yes, we do.
- Certainly.
And how will you defend us until reinforcements arrive?
The sergeant admitted his volunteers keep disappearing.
We shouldn't expect miracles, you know.
We're dreadfully low on natives.
We shouldn't expect miracles... and that's not what I expect of you.
Mr. Hubert.
What's going to happen?
Why, you're nervous too!
What's to become of us?
I'm frightened.
Jacques.
- Come with me.
- Where?
Come give me a hand.
Put your hands like this.
For you, me and Maryvonne, in case things go sour.
quiet, you fool!
We should add some sugar... green beans, corned beef and sardines.
And maybe a few bottles of wine?
Right.
And we'll tell 'em it all went missing.
Please, the floor pads.
Of course.
Good day, Mr. Fresnoy.
Be seated.
Well?
The men have fled.
The villages are empty.
- All of them?
- Every one.
Yet as of this morning we know for certain... that Lieutenant Krafft is recruiting.
And successfully, too.
Do you have something to propose?
Unfortunately, no.
The drums warn them the minute we leave here.
There's nothing we can do about their drums.
True.
There's nothing we can do.
Convey my greetings to the chief.
The chief says...
"It's a great honor to welcome the chief of the white men in my home."
Tell the chief I've come because his village is in great danger.
The chief says, "I know."
Tell him the men of his village have attacked white men.
Now the German white men want their revenge... and they're very ferocious.
The chief says, "I know."
To defend his village, the French will need 100 men.
He says, "I don't have 100 men.
I lost many of my best men in the great battle."
The French know the tribes on the savannah have many men.
If the chief can bring us many of those men... the men of his village will no longer need to flight.
The chief says, "I can capture many of those savages.
There are many of them.
They are strong but stupid."
He says...
"The people of my village have never liked the people of the savannah."
He says, "Why didn't you think of this sooner?"
Come along.
Mr. Fresnoy is waiting.
So how many have they captured for us now?
I say, how many have they captured for us now?
Counting the ones from this morning, 19.
Say what you like... that man's really something.
He's something, all right.
And you only see him from a distance.
To really know him, you have to live with him.
Well, I don't live with him... and I daresay I was opposed... but I do recognize... that's he's a real brain.
What is he really like in private?
Is he nice?
No, nice isn't the word.
I mean, he may be that, but it's more like he's... he's...
He's what?
He's terribly refiined.
Terribly refiined.
And he hasn't changed.
We used to say he was like a young schoolboy... a bit taken with his own learning.
But I'm here to tell you:
Despite his education, he's a real man.
I'll bet the poor baby's still a virgin.
I wouldn't put my hand in the fiire on it.
That's not where you're supposed to put your hand, you fool!
Madame Rechampot!
Madame times two!
The things she says!
Don't be embarrassed, Madame Caprice.
To Mr. Hubert!
On your inventory declaration... you listed only 175 pounds of sugar.
Precisely.
And even that is gone.
Demand has been very high.
With everything going on, I haven't had a delivery since...
June of last year.
- Madame Caprice is in the same boat.
- Yes, the poor dear.
Yet she has listed 300 pounds of sugar.
Marius!
There are white men talking here!
It's the broom making the noise.
Of course, they have a different clientele.
They're small retailers, while we're wholesalers.
Wholesale, right.
Very well.
We'll see.
As strange as it sounds... a wholesaler will sometimes have less stock than a retailer.
But please go ahead and look around.
Mr. Fresnoy.
My brother made me do it!
What a liar!
Who hid those things there?
Did you hide those things there?
"The yellow-speckled leaf in the fecund autumn... surrenders gently all its golden grapes to the fruit-gatherers.
Thus will fall the passing flowers of life... youth, love, pleasure and beauty."
Drink that.
Drink it.
It's the white man's drink.
Makes you strong.
It's good for you.
That makes 20.
An even 20.
It's getting harder every day.
They haven't captured one in three days.
I asked for 100 men, not 20 invalids.
If the chief thinks he can put one over on us, he's wrong.
Why not take it up with him?
Tell the chief I didn't come to listen to this idle chatter.
He promised me many natives.
He hasn't kept his promise.
Therefore I won't keep mine either, and his men will have to flight.
The chief says some of the captives know where the natives are hiding.
Well?
Haven't his men been able to make them talk?
The chief says they tried... but those captives won't talk.
You'd have to torture them brutally.
Damn it!
He's coming this way.
Is it serious?
Not serious.
Important.
Let's see it.
It's not for you.
It's for your brother.
My brother?
I no longer have a brother!
It's for you, Cain!
Look at the yellow belly!
"Decision No. 23:
A military squad is hereby established to obtain the necessary information... for the recruitment of a native militia... to aid in the defense of Fort Coulais.
The squad will be led by Mr. Rechampot, Jacques Victor Louis."
Signed, Fresnoy.
And that fiixes you.
Say something, idiot!
I'm so happy!
Look at that moron!
Bravo, Jacques!
See what you can do when you set your mind to it?
Hurrah for the squad!
These men are tall.
The ones they caught before were all so short.
Long live Mr. Fresnoy!
- The priests wish to see you.
- Show them in.
The floor pads.
Be seated.
It's like this:
FatherJohn of the Cross and myself were thinking... perhaps it might be helpful...
To help you get a fuller picture of the delicate issues in this situation.
Issues which, under the circumstances... one might be tempted to deem secondary... but which, nonetheless, must never be entirely neglected... by a Christian conscience.
I'm listening.
Certain murmurings and rumors...
From native sources, I hasten to add.
Lead us to fear that certain means have been used... to attain certain ends.
Highly commendable ends.
Means which are... how can I say?
Not in keeping with the respect due... even to God's most humble creatures.
Mr. Rechampot is following my orders in an attempt to ensure your safety.
The thing is, we've heard rumors... of brutality and injuries...
Did you hear rumors when the wounded were left to rot in the sun?
Was there any talk of the Christian consciences... who fled those people in their moment of agony... without offering even a drink of water?
Or of the Christian consciences who refused to lift a fiinger... to prevent that massacre?
Remember: I didn't ask for this war.
The knife.
The cartridge.
The rifle.
Good day, Sergeant.
Good day, Mr. Fresnoy.
- The bayonet.
- The bay-net.
The coast is clear!
Assomption, get the bicycle!
Our Lord Jesus Christ.
White men are stronger than black men.
Why?
Because they have a better god!
The white man's god gives strength!
This is a bicycle.
Any black man who tries to ride it falls.
Who wants to try?
You?
See what the white man's god can do.
The recruit says...
"That's a white man's machine.
But the white man's God doesn't give strength to the black man."
Then watch this.
Assomption, it's your turn.
This man is black... but he believes in the white man's god.
Halt!
Who goes there?
Creuse.
Don't be an idiot.
It's me... Caprice.
- Creuse.
- What do you mean, Creuse?
It's the password.
You have to answer Chef-lieu Gueret.
Oh. Well, then, Chef-lieu Gueret.
Very well.
You may pass.
Good evening, Mr. Caprice.
Good night, Mr. Caprice.
Gueret la Creuse is the password?
Well!
No one can go in.
No one can go in.
Isn't Fresnoy in?
Mr. Fresnoy is in.
What's it for?
That's my business.
Did I ask you anything?
Give me that doorknob.
You can't have it.
Things not going well today, pal?
My name is not "pal." I am Barthelemy.
Do you know who I am?
You're Mr. Caprice.
- You know where I've come back from?
- Yes. St. Pierre de Samba.
Fill in this form.
Watch it.
Don't play games with me.
I'm warning you.
Mr. Fresnoy's been expecting me for three months.
I've worked my ass off for three months... rounding up grenades and everything else for him!
Very good.
How many cases?
Bastard!
Must not disturb.
You will see boss Sunday.
You can't be serious.
With a black woman?
Just like I said.
Him!
Bosselet I can understand.
But him?
Is she pretty?
Pretty?
She's black, like the others.
Just shows you everyone has their share of misery.
How awful.
Mr. Caprice, you were assigned a diffiicult mission in every respect.
I'd like to state publicly... that you carried it out in exemplary fashion.
Madam, you can be proud of your husband.
Thank you, Mr. Hubert.
I'm sorry.
Mr. Fresnoy.
Mr. Fresnoy, please take your place.
Attention!
Right shoulder... arms!
Present arms!
Company at ease!
I wish you all a pleasant Sunday.
I hope you'll stay with us.
Please.
Alas, we must get back.
Ladies, gentlemen.
He's leaving?
Well, that's that.
Before we go back...
I want to show you how they manage with the grenades.
Good idea.
It'll give 'em some practice.
That didn't go down well with me.
I didn't fiind it heavy at all.
I'm not talking about the mutton!
I'm talking about him and his black woman.
Let us not judge, ladies.
True, there are some bizarre quirks in that young man's nature... and his attitude seems designed to provoke us.
But we must at least give him credit... for guaranteeing our peace and security.
And for giving us back so quickly our accustomed lifestyle.
Long live the Republic!
Charge!
He's brilliant.
He took them by surprise.
- I didn't see it coming.
- Me neither.
Of course not.
First section.
Come on, men!
Line up for your wine!
You didn't drink it!
Open your mouth or you can't drink.
Good, eh?
It's the real stuff.
Go now, quickly.
Congratulations.
It's as good a trench as we saw in the newspapers.
And without the mud, too.
That's for sure.
With Mr. Fresnoy in charge... we won't wait for the rainy season to give the Krauts a trouncing.
Soldiers of the French, surrender.!
We have machine guns.!
We have warm clothes.!
You don't stand a chance.
It's not true.
We're going to win.
God's on our side. Take heart!
The Lord is with you.
- How are things?
- All right.
- There's one man in bad shape.
- Inside?
Let's go.
What a mess!
He's in sad shape.
- Are we losing a lot of them?
- Two or three a week.
This one here is the sixth this week.
Can't you do anything for him?
Wait for the rain to stop.
The French are using you.!
You die to save their skin.!
Germany is kind to us.!
ComeJoin us.!
France says go to hell!
Tell him everything you just told me.
I have run a very long way.
The priests and ladies sent me to say they're coming with soldiers... who wish to speak to you.
What's he talking about?
- Have they sent reinforcements? - You're not lying, are you?
- Are you pulling our leg?
- I saw the soldiers with my own eyes.
French soldiers?
Not French.
Krauts?
No, not Krauts.
Then who are they?
I don't know.
How am I supposed to know?
But their chief is a black man.
There they are.
Let go of my foot, for God's sake!
Give me your hand.
They're coming out into the open now.
Now I see them!
Move over a bit.
What if the branch breaks?
We have to let Bosselet know.
Absolutely not.
I shall translate... what the captain says.
The Germans surrendered at Yaounde... quite a while ago.
The Allies decided to send Captain Kapoor here... with a letter that reads as follow:
"To the Germans still fiighting:
There's no point.
The war is over.
Stop it."
We beat 'em!
The Germans are to surrender... only to Captain Kapoor.
Perhaps you're wondering why.
Because the Allies decided in London... that this territory should be ceded to His Gracious Majesty.
We have come to take possession of it.
Where do we come in?
I'm sure the captain would like to freshen up.
Nice uniforms!
Hey, you, the smart one.
Come over here.
Come here for a minute.
Tell me, did this agreement in London... say that our land will remain part of France?
It will still be France up to the point... where it used to be Germany?
Exactly.
So that means only one thing will change:
The blacks who were German before... will now become English.
Exactly.
Let me tell you something:
It serves 'em right!
Arms!
Mr. Krafft.
Come closer.
Don't be shy.
How are you?
What a nasty business, eh?
My brother.
Let me introduce Mr. Fresnoy.
He's the young man who gave you so much trouble.
If it weren't for him, you might have... - You put on some weight.
- He looks good!
Yes, Sergeant?
Nothing.
White people.
Really!
Listen, don't worry about that bill.
We'll work it out.
Philology?
Yes, I was tempted at one point.
But I must say, our philologists can't hold a candle to yours.
- Which university did you study at?
- Heidelberg.
Of course.
This will give you a laugh:
I was a socialist.
Oh, sorry.
Me too.
Peter.
You could not watch even one hour with me?
Master, what has happened to you?
should I call the others, Lord?
No, John.
I don't want them to see me like this.
Are you in danger?
should we flee, Master?
Stay here.
Watch pray.
What is wrong with him?
He seems afraid.
He had spoken about danger while we ate...
He mentioned betrayal and...
Thirty.
Thirty, Judas.
That was the agreement between me...and you?
Yes.
Where?
Where is he?
Hear me, Father.
Rise up, defend me.
Save me from the traps they set for me.
Do you really believe that one man can bear the full burden of sin?
shelter me, O Lord.
I trust in You.
In You I take refuge.
No one man can carry this burden I tell you.
It is far too heavy.
Saving their souls is too costly.
No one.
Ever.
No.
Never.
Father, you can do all things.
If it is possible, Iet this chalice pass from me...
But let Your will be done not mine.
Who is your father?
Who are you?
Who are you looking for?
We're looking for Jesus of Nazareth.
I am he.
hall, Rabbi!
Judas you betray the Son of Man with a kiss?
Peter!
Put it down!
Those who live by the sword shall die by the sword.
Put it down.
MaIchus!
Get up!
We've got him.
Let's go!
What, Mary?
What is it?
Listen...
"Why is this night different from every other night?"
"Because once we were slaves...
"...and we are slaves no Ionger..."
They've seized him !
Everyone you can, hear?
To the courtyard of the High Priest.
Quick!
Go!
halt!
Not so fast.
This is not your party, you toothless vermin.
Peter...
Hey!
What's going on here?
In there!
Stop them !
They've arrested him !
In secret!
In the night!
To hide their crime from you!
Stop them !
What are you yelling about, woman?
Who have they arrested?
Jesus.
Jesus of Nazareth!
Shut up!
She's crazy.
A criminal.
Brought in for questioning, that's all.
Broke the temple laws.
I see.
Better go tell him there's more trouble brewing.
tell who?
Abenader, you idiot.
Get going!
Go!
Jesus...
Are you hungry?
Yes, I am.
This is certainly a tall table!
Who is it for?
A rich man.
Does he like to eat standing up?
No.
He prefers to eat like...so.
TaII table, tall chairs!
well, I haven't made them yet.
This will never catch on!
Oh, no you don't!
Take off that dirty apron before you come in.
And wash your hands.
It has begun, Lord.
So be it.
Sir, there's trouble at...
What, in the middle of the night, Abenader?
I'm sorry.
What's the problem?
trouble within the walls.
Caiphas had some prophet arrested.
Who?
Some GaIiIean.
The Pharisees apparently hate the man.
A GaIiIean?
Who are you talking about?
Who is this beggar you bring to us chained up like a condemned man?
He's Jesus, the Nazarene troubIemaker.
You're Jesus of Nazareth?
They say you're a king.
Where is this kingdom of yours?
What line of kings do you descend from?
Speak up!
You're just the son of some obscure carpenter, no?
Some say you're EIijah.
But he was carried off to heaven in a chariot!
Why don't you say something?
You've been brought here as a blasphemer!
What do you say to that?
Defend yourself.
I have spoken openly to everyone.
I've taught in the temple where we all gather.
Ask those who have heard what I have to say.
Is that how you address the high priest?
With arrogance?
If I have spoken evil tell me what evil I have said.
But if not, why do you hit me?
Yes, we'II listen to those who heard your blasphemies.
Good!
Let's hear them.
He cures the sick by magic!
With the help of devils!
I've seen it.
He casts out devils, with the help of devils.
He calls himself the King of the Jews!
No, he calls himself the Son of God!
He said he would destroy the temple and rebuild it in three days!
Worse!
He claims he's the Bread of Life!
And if we don't eat his flesh or drink his blood we won't inherit eternal life.
silence!
You're all under this man's spell.
Either offer proof of his wrongdoing or be quiet!
This entire proceeding is an outrage.
AII I've heard from these witnesses is mindless contradiction!
Who called this meeting anyway?
And at this hour of the night?
Where are the other members of the council?
Get him out of here!
Get out!
A travesty!
That's what this is, a beastly travesty!
Haven't you anything to say?
No answer to these accusations?
I ask you now Jesus of Nazareth...
tell us, are you the Messiah?
The son of the living God?
I AM and you will see the Son of Man seated at the right hand of power and coming on the clouds of heaven.
blasphemy!
You heard him.
There's no need for witnesses!
Your verdict.
What is your verdict?
Death!
Haven't I seen you in the company of the galilean?
Yes!
You're one of his disciples!
I recognize you!
Quiet!
I've never met the man.
I don't know him.
You are Peter!
One of the disciples of Jesus.
I don't know the man!
You are wrong!
Stop!
Stop!
I've seen you before!
Stop him !
He's one of them !
You're wrong, damn you!
I swear I don't know the man.
I've never seen him before.
Wherever you go, Lord I will follow.
To prison, even to death.
Amen, I say to you before the cock crows three times you will deny me.
Peter?
No, no... I am unworthy!
I have denied him, Mother!
Denied him three times.
Let's go!
You take care of it.
Let him pass.
He's harmless.
release him !
Take back the silver.
Here!
I've sinned, betrayed innocent blood.
Take back your silver.
I don't want it!
If you think you've betrayed innocent blood, that's your affair.
Take your money and go.
Now go!
What's wrong?
Are you all right?
Look at his mouth.
Hey, can we look at it?
You need help?
Can we help?
He's bleeding!
Look!
blood!
Leave me alone you little satans!
Aha ! Cursing!
Are you cursed?
He's cursed!
Yes, a curse!
It's inside him, look!
Watch out, it's like burning oil from his bones!
Get away from me!
Leave me alone!
Don't condemn this GaIiIean.
He's holy.
You will only bring trouble on yourself.
Do you want to know my idea of trouble, claudia?
This stinking outpost, that filthy rabble out there.
Do you always punish your prisoners before they're judged?
Governor...
What accusations do you bring against this man?
well...
If he weren't a malefactor, we wouldn't have brought him before you.
That's not what I asked.
Why don't you judge him according to your own laws?
consul, you know it's unlawful for us to condemn any man to death.
To death?
What has this man done to merit such a penalty?
He has violated our Sabbath, consul.
Go on... He has seduced the people taught foul, disgusting doctrines.
Isn't he the prophet you welcomed into JerusaIem only five days ago?
And now you want him dead?
Can any of you explain this madness to me?
Your excellency, please...
So far the high priest hasn't told you this man's greatest crime.
He has become the leader of a Iarge and dangerous sect who hail him as the Son of David!
He claims that he is the Messiah the king promised to the Jews.
He has forbidden his followers to pay tribute to the emperor, consul!
Bring him here!
Go!
Drink.
Are you the king of the Jews?
Does this question come from you?
Or do you ask me this because others have told you that is what I am?
Why would I ask you that?
Am I a Jew?
Your high priests, your own people delivered you up to me.
They want me to have you executed.
Why?
What have you done?
Are you a king?
My kingdom is not of this world.
If it were do you think my followers would have let them hand me over?
Then you are a king?
That is why I was born.
To give testimony to the truth.
AII men who hear the truth hear my voice.
Truth!
What is truth?
I have questioned this prisoner, and I find no cause in him.
This man is a galilean, is he not?
He is.
Then he is King Herod's subject.
Let Herod judge him.
Governor...
Hand him over.
Jesus of Nazareth!
Where?
Where is he?
This is Jesus of Nazareth?
Is it true that you restore sight to the blind?
Raise men from the dead?
Where do you get your power?
Are you the one whose birth was foretold?
Answer me!
Are you a king?
How about me?
will you work a little miracle for me?
Take this stupid fool out of my sight.
He's not guilty of a crime, he's just crazy.
Give him a fool's homage...
What is truth, claudia?
Do you hear it, recognize it when it is spoken?
Yes, I do.
Don't you?
How?
Can you tell me?
If you will not hear the truth, no one can tell you.
Truth...
Do you want to know what my truth is, claudia?
I've been putting down rebellions in this rotten outpost for eleven years.
If I don't condemn this man I know Caiphas will start a rebellion.
If I do condemn him, then his followers may.
Either way, there will be bloodshed.
Caesar has warned me, claudia.
Warned me twice.
He swore that the next time the blood would be mine.
That is my truth!
Herod refuses to condemn the man.
They're bringing him back here.
We're going to need reinforcements.
I don't want to cause an uprising.
There is already an uprising.
King Herod found no cause in this man.
Neither do I.
Men!
Attend to the crowd!
Quiet!
Have you no respect for our Roman procurator?
As you know, every year I release a criminal back to you.
We are now holding a notorious murderer Barabbas.
Which of the two men would you have me release to you?
The murderer Barabbas?
Or Jesus, called the Messiah?
He is not the Messiah!
He is an imposter!
A bIasphemer!
Free Barabbas!
Again I ask you: which of these two men should I release to you?
Free Barabbas!
Free him.
What would you have me do with Jesus the Nazarene?
Have him crucified!
No!
I will chastise him but then I will set him free.
See to it that the punishment is severe, Abenader.
But don't let them kill the man.
My heart is ready, Father my heart is ready.
My son when, where, how will you choose to be delivered of this?
If the world hates you remember that it has hated me first.
Remember also that no servant is greater than his master.
If they persecuted me, they will persecute you.
You must not be afraid.
The helper will come who reveals the truth about God and who comes from the Father.
Stop!
Your orders were to punish this man not to scourge him to death!
Take him away.
Get going!
Get him out of here!
Your majesty...
Take care of it.
A beautiful rose bush.
Look at him...king of the worms!
hall, wormy king!
A color fit for a king!
We're here to pay our respects.
A leader for our brotherhood!
behold the man.
Crucify him !
Isn't this enough?
Look at him !
Crucify him !
shall I crucify your king?
We have no king but Caesar!
Speak to me.
I have the power to crucify you, or else to set you free.
You have no power over me except what is given you from above.
Therefore, it is he who delivered me to you who has the greater sin.
If you free him, Governor you are no friend of Caesar's.
You must crucify him !
It is you who want to crucify him, not I. Look you to it.
I am innocent of this man's blood.
Abenader...
Do as they wish.
I am your servant, Father.
Your servant, and the son of Your handmaid.
Why do you embrace your cross, fool?
AII right, your highness, Iet's move!
help me get near him.
This way.
This way, Mother.
Mother... Mother...
I'm here...
I'm here...
See, Mother, I make all things new.
Who is that?
Who?
She's the galilean's mother.
Let's go.
Come on!
Don't fret, my daughter.
Don't fret.
Are you blind?
Can't you see, he can't go on?
help him !
You!
Yes, you!
Get over here!
What do you want from me?
This criminal can't carry his cross by himself anymore.
You will help him !
Now get going!
I can't do that.
It's none of my business.
Get someone else!
help him !
He is a holy man.
Do as I tell you.
Now move!
Let's go!
AII right, but remember I'm an innocent man, forced to carry the cross of a condemned man.
Stay here.
Wait for me.
Permit me, my Lord.
Who do you think you are?
Get away from here.
impossible people!
Someone stop this!
Stop!
Stop!
Leave him alone!
If you don't stop, I won't carry that cross one more step.
I don't care what you do to me!
AII right, all right, Iet's get moving.
We don't have all day.
Let's go!
Let's go Jew!
almost there.
We're nearly there.
almost done.
You have heard it said you shall love your neighbor and hate your enemy.
But I say to you Iove your enemies and pray for those who persecute you...
For if you love only those who love you what reward is there in that?
I am the good shepherd.
I lay down my Iife for my sheep.
No one takes my Iife from me but I lay it down of my own accord.
I have power to lay it down and power to take it up again.
This command is from my Father.
Get away now, you're free to go.
Go on!
Go on!
You can get up now!
Get up, your majesty.
Can't you get up?
We haven't got all day.
Come on, move!
We're ready.
Get up, your highness.
You are my friends.
There is no greater love than for a man to lay down his life for his friends.
I cannot be with you much longer, my friends.
You cannot go where I am going.
My commandment to you after I am gone is this...
Love one another.
As I have loved you so love one another.
You believe in me.
You know that I am the Way the Truth, and the Life.
And no one comes to the Father but by me.
Further out...
Idiots!
Let me show you how to do it.
Like this!
There!
No, get in there.
hold the hand open like this.
Father, forgive them...
Father Father my Father...my God...
They don't know...they don't know...
Stupid mongreIs!
Turn the wood over on its face, idiots!
Take this and eat.
This is my body which is given up for you.
Take this and drink.
This is my blood of the new covenant which is given for you and for many, for the forgiveness of sins.
Do this in memory of me.
If you are the son of God, why don't you save yourself?
Prove to us you are who you say you are.
You said you could destroy the temple and rebuild it in three days and yet you cannot come down from that cross.
If he is the Messiah I say let him come down from the cross so that we may see and believe.
Father, forgive them they know not what they do.
Listen he prays for you.
We deserve this, Gesmas but he does not.
I have sinned and my punishment is just.
You would be justified in condemning me.
I ask only that you remember me, Lord when you enter your kingdom.
Amen, I tell you on this day you shall be with me in paradise.
I thirst.
flesh of my flesh heart of my heart...
My son, Iet me die with you.
Woman behold your son.
Son, behold your mother.
There is no one left.
No one, Jesus!
My God why have you forsaken me?
It is accomplished.
Father, into your hands I commend...my spirit.
Cassius!
Hurry!
He's dead!
Make sure!
when D3 Corporation began resurrecting the dead, they started rising all over the world.
The living dead started to attack people, and they became zombies who, in turn, attacked others.
Desperate people would kill family members to survive.
Madness engulfed the whole world.
I'm on a roll tonight!
Now it's my turn.
Shit!
You've got your eyes closed...
Stop joking around!
Give it to me!
Got a problem, punk?
Oh, no...
Hey, woman... you're good.
I'm hiding here!
I'm looking for a woman.
Her name is... Saki.
Stop!
Hold it right there.
You're both so tense.
We're living in a world where the dead rise... and eat their own wives and children.
Why are two living humans trying to kill each other?
We won't learn anything about Saki here.
let's get out ofthis cesspit.
You'd better leave, too.
Let's find somewhere to sleep forthe night.
Wait!
That woman you're looking for... I know where she is.
What did you say?
You know Saki?
I'm after Dr. Sugita.
Dr. Sugita of D3 Corporation?
Yes. The man devoted to resurrection research.
He's responsible for all the zombies.
According to my sources... Saki is with him.
I'll take you there on one condition...
What do you want?
Help me kill him. That's all.
What do you think?
That's a 'yes'.
Take us there.
ONE
What is life?
Is it when cells sustain themselves... and reproduce... to form a separate organism?
Wrong.
Is it about birth and aging until functioning stops?
No.
That's not it, either!
After decades of research, I've finally found the answer.
I give each cell its own willpower.
Combining cells with blood can resurrect the dead.
My invention makes me superior to God.
Don't you agree?
Do you understand?
Good... very good.
You got it?
was that enough sleep?
Good. Come to me.
That's right.
Come here so I can see your face better.
You miserable defect!
Oh well...
I have plenty of others to replace you.
What I need is someone who is young' strong... and dead... to complete my research.
I need blood from the ancient lmichi Clan...
Yes...
Where is Saki?
Where are you, Saki?
Saki?
Saki!
So, what's your story?
I can smell blood on you.
How many have you killed so far?
How about calling me by m name?
Oh, sorry.
I'm Katsuji.
What's your name? .
I'm Reiko.
The unfriendly one over there, is Aya.
We've killed every zombie that we've come across.
Wow, that's impressive...
Aya is heiress to the lmichi Clan.
A master assassin.
I'm the brains.
Together, we can take on all the zombies, and more!
Right, Aya?
She is a bit stuck-up...
I think I deserve some thanks...
It was a joke!
I'm joking...
Put that away.
Good.
That's right.
I guess I said too much.
You're very dependable.
I got it open!
Damn... the first food in 3 days!
Aren't you eating?
Why is she...
She might not show it, but she respects you.
But...
She's been like that since I first met her.
I'm going to finish this off!
We've been travelling together so long... but I haven't seen her smile once.
I heard it's because she saw... her little sister kill their father.
Apparently' it was pretty gruesome.
Aya never smiles.
She never cries, either.
I guess it left her emotionally drained.
All that keeps her going is her hatred for her sister.
That's how it seems to me.
The sister who killed their father is...
Saki is Aya's little sister.
I can almost hear her soul... screaming out in agony.
And me? My sister was abducted by Dr. Sugita, Saki and the zombies.
It was on a hot summer day.
They came out of nowhere.
I fought them.
I didn't mind risking my life for my sister.
But then Saki stepped in.
I was dragged away from my sister... and she was taken away.
My sister's name is Asami.
Look, she's cute, isn't she?
After that' I met Aya.
She didn't talk much, but we understood each other.
Our sadness made us compatible.
I remember the coldness of Aya's eyes.
We've been hunting zombies together ever since.
As for me... my daughter was killed by them.
How did the world become like this, anyway?
Not so long ago, we had hot meals waiting for us and families to go home to.
What will you do after you get revenge?
I want to go around helping the survivors.
Oh, yeah...
I forgot about this.
You're not zombies.
What are you doing here?
That's some greeting you gave me.
I told you to hide.
We're just travellers camping here' if you don't mind.
Suit yourself.
But you'd better not move around, if you want to live.
Why's that?
What's with them?
We'd better get some sleep, too.
Ken!
Ken.
Yuki, run!
Hurry!
Yuki.
You've got to be kidding...
Stay back!
Wait a minute...
Wait.
I mean it.
You could have hit me with that thing!
Wait!
Time for your school lunch.
You don't have to be scared.
That's a good girl.
I've decided... you're going to Be my next masterpiece.
What's wrong?
There's nothing to be scared of.
Come closer to me.
Brother...
I said, come closer!
What's that look for?
Why are you looking at me like that?
I can't tolerate bad girls!
I'll take a look around.
That's horrible...
Did I make you wait?
You won't have to wait anymore, Saki.
Sorry for kicking you.
But everything is okay now.
This will make you better.
That's right. From now on, you'll feel fine...
It's okay.
Is this your doll? .
Don't be scared.
I won't do anything bad.
Come on.
This is really important to me.
My daughter used to Wear it.
Don't go too far, Maria.
Asami?
Are you Asami?
It's me!
Your brother!
Don't you recognize me?
Come on, Asami.
Let go of the girl.
AsAmi!
Asami.
It's me.
I know that you know who I am.
This can't be...
You must be joking!
Aya, don't! .
It's my... little sister.
You've changed so much...
I'm sorry for what you went through.
I'm sorry I couldn't rescue you.
When Saki attacked us, I left you and ran.
I waS SO SCARED that I ran.
I left you and... ran away.
Say something.
Come on.
You have to forgive me.
Open your eyes, please.
Saki...
It's you!
Get up.
Saki!
Maria, hang on...
Maria.
I'll look for some medicine.
Maria.
Asa...
Oh, it's just me...
You're joking...
It's no use.
Don't you dare!
Stay away from her!
She'll become one of them.
I'll shoot anyone who hurts her.
I'm serious.
Put the sword down.
This girl... and only her... will not be killed!
This zombie is stupid.
Aya!
Let's go!
Hurry, before we get surrounded!
I won't leave her here.
Give it up!
. It's too late for her!
It isn't!
If you want to be zombie food...
suit yourself!
I won't let her die the same way as my daughter...
You mean you...
I shot her.
I shot my own daughter to death.
Once she was a zombie, she wasn't your daughter.
You're lying!
I'm not.
I had to kill my sister when she turned into a zombie!
I feel sorry for you but now isn't the time for this.
Get real!
Do you want to be one of them?
Put the zombies back to eternal sleep.
That's what we're fighting for! .
Let's go, Aya!
We can get out that way.
Are you staying?
What?
Mother...
I'm not afraid.
Let's go and get the main course now.
Aya... I've been waiting for you.
I love those eyes of yours.
Sugita!
Don't interfere!
I've been looking all over for you, Aya.
I noticed one day... that I needed you for my research.
I needed the doomed blood of the lmichi Clan.
I looked for an lmichi. And I found one.
I found a girl with pure Breeding from the lmichi Clan.
But my path never crossed yours.
Your father got in my way.
So, I had to have him killed.
You should have seen it. He died squealing like a pig.
It's been 1 0 years since then.
I've been looking for you all these years... with help from my loyal servants.
Saki.
You get Saki.
I'll get the doctor!
There's lots to catch up on' but work comes first.
Brilliant... this is so beautiful.
Sugita!
Who are you?
You killed my sister!
Your sister?
Which one are you refering to?
You pathetic creature.
You don't deserve to live.
It's time to die.
You...
I am God!
I'm the ruler of the world.
You deserve it.
Help me, please!
You're asking for help?
Go to Hell and apologize to everyone!
Reiko! .
Reiko.
You're hurt.
Reiko.
Die!
Why did you kill Father?
I just wanted to be strong.
This is a fine sword, Master Oboro.
The sword that survived for generations in your family.
Show your father how strong you've become.
Begin! .
Very good.
Your sister has been chosen.
She is the rightful heiress of our clan.
Don't be afraid.
You have a great talent.
Do you want to become strong?
I've always been lonely.
They deserted me because you were chosen.
I had to become strong.
So, I killed Father.
Now I'll kill you.
Aya!
Help me kill him. That's all.
I'm sorry I couldn't rescue you.
I won't let her die the same way as my daughter...
Put the zombies back to eternal sleep.
That's what we're fighting for!
Saki.
Why...
Why can't I beat you?
Don't talk anymore...
If I had the power... I'd be just like you...
I was afraid to be alone.
I thought I'd be free from it if I became strong.
Your tears are warm.
Saki.
My sister...
Saki.
Let's go and kick some zombie ass, shall we?
ONECHANBARA
Listen to me, please.
You're like me, a homo sapiens, a wise human.
Life, a miracle in the universe, appeared around 4 billion years ago.
And we humans only 200,000 years ago.
Yet we have succeeded in disrupting the balance so essential to life.
Listen carefully to this extraordinary story, which is yours, and decide what you want to do with it.
These are traces of our origins. At the beginning, our planet was no more than a chaos of fire, a cloud of agglutinated dust particles, like so many similar clusters in the universe.
Yet this is where the miracle of life occurred.
Today, life, our life, is just a link in a chain of innumerable living beings that have succeeded one another on Earth over nearly 4 billion years.
And even today, new volcanoes continue to sculpt our landscapes.
They offer a glimpse of what our Earth was like at its birth, molten rock surging from the depths, solidifying, cracking, blistering or spreading in a thin crust, before falling dormant for a time.
These wreathes of smoke curling from the bowels of the Earth bear witness to the Earth's original atmosphere. An atmosphere devoid of oxygen. A dense atmosphere, thick with water vapor, full of carbon dioxide.
The Earth cooled. The water vapor condensed and fell in torrential downpours.
At the right distance from the sun, not too far, not too near, the Earth's perfect balance enabled it to conserve water in liquid form.
The water cut channels.
They are like the veins of a body, the branches of a tree, the vessels of the sap that the water gave to the Earth.
The rivers tore minerals from rocks, adding them to the oceans' freshwater.
And the oceans became heavy with salt.
Where do we come from?
Where did life first spark into being?
A miracle of time, primitive life forms still exist in the globe's hot springs.
They give them their colors.
They all feed off the Earth's heat.
All except the cyanobacteria, or blue-green algae.
They alone have the capacity to turn to the sun to capture its energy.
They are a vital ancestor of all yesterday's and today's plant species.
These tiny bacteria and their billions of descendants changed the destiny of our planet.
They transformed its atmosphere.
What happened to the carbon that poisoned the atmosphere? It's still here, imprisoned in the Earth's crust.
Here, there once was a sea, inhabited by micro-organisms.
They grew shells by tapping into the atmosphere's carbon now dissolved in the ocean.
These strata are the accumulated shells of those billions and billions of micro-organisms.
Thanks to them, the carbon drained from the atmosphere and other life forms could develop.
Plant life fed off the sun's energy, which enabled it to break apart the water molecule and take the oxygen. And oxygen filled the air. The Earth's water cycle is a process of constant renewal.
Waterfalls, water vapor, clouds, rain, springs, rivers, seas, oceans, glaciers...
The cycle is never broken.
There's always the same quantity of water on Earth.
All the successive species on Earth have drunk the same water.
The astonishing matter that is water.
One of the most unstable of all.
It takes a liquid form as running water, gaseous as vapor, or solid as ice.
In Siberia, the frozen surfaces of the lakes in winter contain the trace of the forces that water deploys when it freezes.
Lighter than water, the ice floats.
It forms a protective mantle against the cold, under which life can go on.
The engine of life is linkage.
Everything is linked. Nothing is self-sufficient.
Water and air are inseparable, united in life and for our life on Earth.
Sharing is everything.
The green expanse through the clouds is the source of oxygen in the air.
70% of this gas, without which our lungs cannot function, comes from the algae that tint the surface of the oceans.
Our Earth relies on a balance, in which every being has a role to play and exists only through the existence of another being.
A subtle, fragile harmony that is easily shattered.
Thus, corals are born from the marriage of algae and shells.
Coral reefs cover less than 1% of the ocean floor, but they provide a habitat for thousands of species of fish, mollusks and algae.
The equilibrium of every ocean depends on them.
The Earth counts time in billions of years.
It took more than 4 billion years for it to make trees.
In the chain of species, trees are a pinnacle, a perfect, living sculpture.
Trees defy gravity.
They are the only natural element in perpetual movement toward the sky.
They grow unhurriedly toward the sun that nourishes their foliage.
They have inherited from these miniscule cyanobacteria the power to capture light's energy.
They store it and feed off it, turning it into wood and leaves, which then decompose into a mixture of water, mineral, vegetable and living matter.
And so, gradually, soils are formed.
Soils teem with the incessant activity of micro-organisms, feeding, digging, aerating and transforming.
They make the humus, the fertile layer to which all life on land is linked.
What do we know about life on Earth?
How many species are we aware of?
A tenth of them?
A hundredth perhaps?
What do we know about the bonds that link them?
The Earth is a miracle.
Life remains a mystery.
Families of animals form, united by customs and rituals that are handed down through the generations.
Some adapt to the nature of their pasture and their pasture adapts to them.
And both gain.
The animal sates its hunger and the tree can blossom again.
In the great adventure of life on Earth, every species has a role to play, every species has its place.
None is futile or harmful.
They all balance out.
And that's where you, homo sapiens, wise human, enter the story.
You benefit from a fabulous 4-billion-year-old legacy bequeathed by the Earth.
You are only 200,000 years old, but you have changed the face of the world.
Despite your vulnerability, you have taken possession of every habitat and conquered swathes of territory, like no other species before you.
After 180,000 nomadic years, and thanks to a more clement climate, humans settled down.
They no longer depended on hunting for survival.
They chose to live in wet environments that abounded in fish, game and wild plants.
There where land, water and life combine.
Even today, the majority of humankind lives on the continents' coastlines or the banks of rivers and lakes.
Across the planet, one person in four lives as humankind did 6,000 years ago, their only energy that which nature provides season after season.
It's the way of life of 1.5 billion people, more than the combined population of all the wealthy nations.
But life expectancy is short and hard labor takes its toll.
The uncertainties of nature weigh on daily life.
Education is a rare privilege.
Children are a family's only asset as long as every extra pair of hands is a necessary contribution to its subsistence.
Humanity's genius is to have always had a sense of its weakness.
The physical strength, with which nature insufficiently endowed humans, is found in animals that help them to discover new territories.
But how can you conquer the world on an empty stomach?
The invention of agriculture turned our history on end.
It was less than 10,000 years ago.
Agriculture was our first great revolution.
It resulted in the first surpluses and gave birth to cities and civilizations.
The memory of thousands of years scrabbling for food faded.
Having made grain the yeast of life, we multiplied the number of varieties and learned to adapt them to our soils and climates.
We are like every species on Earth.
Our principal daily concern is to feed ourselves.
When the soil is less than generous and water becomes scarce, we are able to deploy prodigious efforts to extract from the land enough to live on.
Humans shaped the land with the patience and devotion the Earth demands in an almost sacrificial ritual performed over and over.
Agriculture is still the world's most widespread occupation.
Half of humankind tills the soil, over three-quarters of them by hand.
Agriculture is like a tradition handed down from generation to generation in sweat, graft and toil, because for humanity it is a prerequisite of survival.
But after relying on muscle-power for so long, humankind found a way to tap into the energy buried deep in the Earth.
These flames are also from plants.
A pocket of sunlight.
Pure energy.
The energy of the sun, captured over millions of years by millions of plants more than 100 million years ago.
It's coal.
It's gas.
And, above all, it's oil.
And this pocket of sunlight freed humans from their toil on the land.
With oil began the era of humans who break free of the shackles of time.
With oil, some of us acquired unprecedented comforts.
And in 50 years, in a single lifetime, the Earth has been more radically changed than by all previous generations of humanity.
Faster and faster.
In the last 60 years, the Earth's population has almost tripled.
And over 2 billion people have moved to the cities.
Faster and faster.
Shenzhen, in China, with hundreds of skyscrapers and millions of inhabitants, was just a small fishing village barely 40 years ago.
Faster and faster.
In Shanghai, 3,000 towers and skyscrapers have been built in 20 years. Hundreds more are under construction.
Today, over half of the world's 7 billion inhabitants live in cities.
New York.
The world's first megalopolis is the symbol of the exploitation of the energy the Earth supplies to human genius.
The manpower of millions of immigrants, the energy of coal, the unbridled power of oil.
America was the first to harness the phenomenal, revolutionary power of "black gold".
In the fields, machines replaced men.
A liter of oil generates as much energy as 100 pairs of hands in 24 hours.
In the United States, only 3 million farmers are left.
They produce enough grain to feed 2 billion people.
But most of that grain is not used to feed people.
Here, and in all other industrialized nations, it is transformed into livestock feed or biofuels.
The pocket of sunshine's energy chased away the specter of drought that stalked farmland.
No spring escapes the demands of agriculture, which accounts for 70% of humanity's water consumption.
In nature, everything is linked.
The expansion of cultivated land and single-crop farming encouraged the development of parasites.
Pesticides, another gift of the petrochemical revolution, exterminated them.
Bad harvests and famine became a distant memory.
The biggest headache now was what to do with the surpluses engendered by modern agriculture.
But toxic pesticides seeped into the air, soil, plants, animals, rivers and oceans.
They penetrated the heart of cells similar to the mother cell shared by all forms of life.
Are they harmful to the humans they released from hunger?
These farmers in their yellow protective suits probably have a good idea.
Then came fertilizers, another petrochemical discovery.
They produced unprecedented results on plots of land thus far ignored.
Crops adapted to soils and climates gave way to the most productive varieties and easiest to transport.
And so, in the last century, three-quarters of the varieties developed by farmers over thousands of years have been wiped out.
As far as the eye can see, fertilizer below, plastic on top.
The greenhouses of Almeria, Spain, are Europe's vegetable garden.
A city of uniformly sized vegetables waits every day for hundreds of trucks to take them to the continent's supermarkets.
The more a country develops, the more meat its inhabitants consume.
How can growing worldwide demand be satisfied without recourse to concentration camp-style cattle farms?
Faster and faster.
Like the life cycle of livestock, which may never see a meadow.
Manufacturing meat faster than the animal has become a daily routine.
In these vast foodlots, trampled by millions of cattle, not a blade of grass grows.
A fleet of trucks from every corner of the country brings tons of grain, soy meal and protein-rich granules that will become tons of meat.
The result is that it takes 100 liters of water to produce 1 kilogram of potatoes, 4,000 liters for 1 kilo of rice and 13,000 liters for 1 kilo of beef.
Not to mention the oil guzzled in the production process and transport.
Our agriculture has become oil-powered.
It feeds twice as many humans on Earth, but has replaced diversity with standardization.
It gives many of us comforts we could only dream of, but it makes our way of life totally dependent on oil.
This is the new measure of time.
Our world's clock now beats to the rhythm of indefatigable machines tapping into the pocket of sunlight.
The whole planet is attentive to these metronomes of our hopes and illusions.
The same hopes and illusions that proliferate along with our needs, increasingly insatiable desires and profligacy.
We know that the end of cheap oil is imminent, but we refuse to believe it.
For many of us, the American dream is embodied by a legendary name.
Los Angeles.
In this city that stretches over 100 kilometers, the number of cars is almost equal to the number of inhabitants.
Here, energy puts on a fantastic show every night.
The days seem no more than a pale reflection of nights that turn the city into a starry sky.
Faster and faster.
Distances are no longer counted in miles, but in minutes.
The automobile shapes new suburbs, where every home is a castle, a safe distance from the asphyxiated city centers, and where neat rows of houses huddle around dead-end streets.
The model of a lucky-few countries has become a universal dream preached by TVs all over the world.
Even here in Beijing, it is cloned, copied and reproduced in these formatted houses that have wiped pagodas off the map.
The automobile has become the symbol of comfort and progress.
If this model were followed by every society, the planet wouldn't have 900 million vehicles, as it does today, but 5 billion.
Faster and faster.
The more the world develops, the greater its thirst for energy.
Everywhere, machines dig, bore and rip from the Earth the pieces of stars buried in its depths since its creation...
Minerals.
As a privilege of power, 80% of this mineral wealth is consumed by 20% of the world's population.
Before the end of this century, excessive mining will have exhausted nearly all the planet's reserves.
Faster and faster.
Shipyards churn out oil tankers, container ships and gas tankers to cater for the demands of globalized industrial production.
Most consumer goods travel thousands of kilometers from the country of production to the country of consumption.
Since 1950, the volume of international trade has increased 20 times over.
90% of trade goes by sea.
500 million containers are transported every year.
Headed for the world's major hubs of consumption, such as Dubai.
Dubai is a sort of culmination of the Western model, a country where the impossible becomes possible.
Building artificial islands in the sea, for example.
Dubai has few natural resources, but with oil money it can bring in millions of tons of material and workers from all over the planet.
Dubai has no farmland, but it can import food.
Dubai has no water, but it can afford to expend immense amounts of energy to desalinate seawater and build the world's highest skyscrapers.
Dubai has endless sun, but no solar panels.
It is the totem to total modernity that never fails to amaze the world.
Dubai is like the new beacon for all the world's money.
Nothing seems further removed from nature than Dubai, although nothing depends on nature more than Dubai.
Dubai is a sort of culmination of the Western model.
We haven't understood that we're depleting what nature provides.
Since 1950, fishing catches have increased fivefold from 18 to 100 million metric tons a year.
Thousands of factory ships are emptying the oceans.
Three-quarters of fishing grounds are exhausted, depleted or in danger of being so.
Most large fish have been fished out of existence since they have no time to reproduce.
We are destroying the cycle of a life that was given to us.
At the current rate, all fish stocks are threatened with exhaustion.
Fish is the staple diet of one in five humans.
We have forgotten that resources are scarce.
500 million humans live in the world's desert lands, more than the combined population of Europe.
They know the value of water.
They know how to use it sparingly.
Here, they depend on wells replenished by fossil water, which accumulated underground back when it rained on these deserts.
25,000 years ago.
Fossil water also enables crops to be grown in the desert to provide food for local populations.
The fields' circular shape derives from the pipes that irrigate them around a central pivot.
But there is a heavy price to pay. Fossil water is a non-renewable resource.
In Saudi Arabia, the dream of industrial farming in the desert has faded.
As if on a parchment map, the light spots on this patchwork show abandoned plots.
The irrigation equipment is still there.
The energy to pump water also.
But the fossil water reserves are severely depleted.
Israel turned the desert into arable land.
Even though these hothouses are now irrigated drop by drop, water consumption continues to increase along with exports.
The once mighty River Jordan is now just a trickle.
Its water has flown to supermarkets all over the world in crates of fruit and vegetables.
The Jordan's fate is not unique.
Across the planet, one major river in ten no longer flows into the sea for several months of the year.
Deprived of the Jordan's water, the level of the Dead Sea goes down by over one meter per year.
India risks being the country that suffers most from lack of water in the coming century.
Massive irrigation has fed the growing population and in the last 50 years, 21 million wells have been dug.
In many parts of the country, the drill has to sink every deeper to hit water.
In western India, 30% of wells have been abandoned.
The underground aquifers are drying out.
Vast reservoirs will catch monsoon rains to replenish the aquifers.
In the dry season, local village women dig them with their bare hands.
Thousands of kilometers away, 800 to 1,000 liters of water are consumed per person per day.
Las Vegas was built out of the desert.
Millions of people live there.
Thousands more arrive every month.
Its inhabitants are among the biggest water consumers in the world.
Palm Springs is another desert city with tropical vegetation and lush golf courses.
How long can this mirage continue to prosper?
The Colorado River, which brings water to these cities, is one of those rivers that no longer reaches the sea.
Water levels in the catchment lakes along its course are plummeting.
Water shortages could affect nearly 2 billion people before 2025.
The wetlands represent 6% of the surface of the planet.
Under their calm waters lies a veritable factory, where plants and micro-organisms patiently filter the water and digest all the pollution.
These marshes are indispensable environments for the regeneration and purification of water.
They are sponges that regulate the flow of water.
They absorb it in the wet season and release it in the dry season.
In our race to conquer more land, we have reclaimed them as pasture for livestock, or as land for agriculture or building.
In the last century, half the world's marshes were drained.
We know neither their richness nor their role.
All living matter is linked.
Water, air, soil, trees.
The world's magic is right in front of our eyes.
Trees breathe groundwater into the atmosphere as light mist.
They form a canopy that alleviates the impact of heavy rains.
The forests provide the humidity that is necessary for life.
They store carbon, containing more than all the Earth's atmosphere.
They are the cornerstone of the climatic balance on which we all depend.
The primary forests provide a habitat for three-quarters of the planet's biodiversity, that is to say, of all life on Earth.
These forests provide the remedies that cure us.
The substances secreted by these plants can be recognized by our bodies.
Our cells talk the same language.
We are of the same family.
But in barely 40 years, the world's largest rainforest, the Amazon, has been reduced by 20%.
The forest gives way to cattle ranches or soybean farms.
95% of these soybeans are used to feed livestock and poultry in Europe and Asia.
And so, a forest is turned into meat.
Barely 20 years ago, Borneo, the 4th largest island in the world, was covered by a vast primary forest.
At the current rate of deforestation, it will have disappeared within 10 years.
Living matter bonds water, air, earth and the sun.
In Borneo, this bond has been broken in what was one of the Earth's greatest reservoirs of biodiversity.
This catastrophe was provoked by the decision to produce palm oil, one of the most productive and consumed oils in the world, on Borneo.
Palm oil not only caters to our growing demand for food, but also cosmetics, detergents and, increasingly, alternative fuels.
The forest's diversity was replaced by a single species, the oil palm.
For local people, it provides employment.
It's an agricultural industry.
Another example of massive deforestation is the eucalyptus.
Eucalyptus is used to make paper pulp.
Plantations are growing as demand for paper has increased fivefold in 50 years.
One forest does not replace another forest.
At the foot of these eucalyptus trees, nothing grows because their leaves form a toxic bed for most other plants.
They grow quickly, but exhaust water reserves.
Soybeans, palm oil, eucalyptus trees...
Deforestation destroys the essential to produce the superfluous.
But elsewhere, deforestation is a last resort to survive.
Over 2 billion people, almost one third of the world's population, still depend on charcoal.
In Haiti, one of the world's poorest countries, charcoal is one of the population's main consumables.
Once the "pearl of the Caribbean", Haiti can no longer feed its population without foreign aid.
On the hills of Haiti, only 2% of the forests are left.
Stripped bare, nothing holds the soils back.
The rainwater washes them down the hillsides as far as the sea.
What's left is increasingly unsuitable for agriculture.
In some parts of Madagascar, the erosion is spectacular.
Whole hillsides bear deep gashes hundreds of meters wide.
Thin and fragile, soil is made by living matter.
With erosion, the fine layer of humus, which took thousands of years to form, disappears.
Here's one theory of the story of the Rapanui, the inhabitants of Easter Island, that could perhaps give us pause for thought.
Living on the most isolated island in the world, the Rapanui exploited their resources until there was nothing left.
Their civilization did not survive.
On these lands stood the highest palm trees in the world.
They have disappeared.
The Rapanui chopped them all down for lumber.
They then faced widespread soil erosion.
The Rapanui could no longer go fishing. There were no trees to build canoes.
Yet the Rapanui formed one of the most brilliant civilizations in the Pacific.
Innovative farmers, sculptors, exceptional navigators, they were caught in the vise of overpopulation and dwindling resources.
They experienced social unrest, revolts and famine.
Many did not survive the cataclysm.
The real mystery of Easter Island is not how its strange statues got there, we know now.
It is why the Rapanui didn't react in time.
It's only one of a number of theories, but it has particular relevance today.
Since 1950, the world's population has almost tripled.
And since 1950, we have more fundamentally altered our island, the Earth, than in all of our 200,000-year history.
Nigeria is the biggest oil exporter in Africa, yet 70% of the population lives under the poverty line.
The wealth is there, but the country's inhabitants don't have access to it.
The same is true all over the globe.
Half the world's poor live in resource-rich countries.
Our mode of development has not fulfilled its promises.
In 50 years, the gap between rich and poor has grown wider than ever.
Today, half the world's wealth is in the hands of the richest 2% of the population.
Can such disparities be maintained?
They are the cause of population movements whose scale we have yet to fully realize.
The city of Lagos had a population of 700,000 in 1960.
That will rise to 16 million by 2025.
Lagos is one of the fastest growing megalopolises in the world.
The new arrivals are mostly farmers forced off the land for economic or demographic reasons, or because of diminishing resources.
This is a radically new type of urban growth, driven by the urge to survive rather than to prosper.
Every week, over a million people swell the populations of the world's cities.
1 human in 6 now lives in a precarious, unhealthy, overpopulated environment without access to daily necessities, such as water, sanitation, electricity.
Hunger is spreading once more.
It affects nearly 1 billion people.
All over the planet, the poorest scrabble to survive, while we continue to dig for resources that we can no longer live without.
We look farther and farther afield in previously unspoilt territory and in regions that are increasingly difficult to exploit.
We're not changing our model.
Oil might run out?
We can still extract oil from the tar sands of Canada.
The biggest trucks in the world move thousands of tons of sand.
The process of heating and separating bitumen from the sand requires millions of cubic meters of water.
Colossal amounts of energy are needed.
The pollution is catastrophic.
The most urgent priority, apparently, is to pick every pocket of sunlight.
Our oil tankers are getting bigger and bigger.
Our energy requirements are constantly increasing.
We try to power growth like a bottomless oven that demands more and more fuel.
It's all about carbon.
In a few decades, the carbon that made our atmosphere a furnace and that nature captured over millions of years, allowing life to develop, will have largely been pumped back out.
The atmosphere is heating up.
It would have been inconceivable for a boat to be here just a few years ago.
Transport, industry, deforestation, agriculture...
Our activities release gigantic quantities of carbon dioxide.
Without realizing it, molecule by molecule, we have upset the Earth's climatic balance.
All eyes are on the poles, where the effects of global warming are most visible.
It's happening fast, very fast.
The north-west passage that connects America, Europe and Asia via the pole, is opening up.
The arctic ice cap is melting.
Under the effect of global warming, the ice cap has lost 40% of its thickness in 40 years.
Its surface area in the summer shrinks year by year.
It could disappear in the summer months by 2030.
Some say 2015.
The sunbeams that the ice sheet previously reflected back now penetrate the dark water, heating it up.
The warming process gathers pace.
This ice contains the records of our planet.
The concentration of carbon dioxide hasn't been so high for several hundred thousand years.
Humanity has never lived in an atmosphere like this.
Is excessive exploitation of resources threatening the lives of every species?
Climate change accentuates the threat.
By 2050, a quarter of the Earth's species could be threatened with extinction.
In these polar regions, the balance of nature has already been disrupted.
Around the North Pole, the ice cap has lost 30% of its surface area in 30 years.
But as Greenland rapidly becomes warmer, the freshwater of a whole continent flows into the salt water of the oceans.
Greenland's ice contains 20% of the freshwater of the whole planet.
If it melts, sea levels will rise by nearly 7 meters.
But there is no industry here.
Greenland's ice sheet suffers from greenhouse gases emitted elsewhere on Earth.
Our ecosystem doesn't have borders.
Wherever we are, our actions have repercussions on the whole Earth.
Our planet's atmosphere is an indivisible whole.
It is an asset we share.
In Greenland, lakes are appearing on the landscape.
The ice cap is melting at a speed even the most pessimistic scientists did not envision 10 years ago.
More and more of these glacier-fed rivers are merging together and burrowing though the surface.
It was thought the water would freeze in the depths of the ice.
On the contrary, it flows under the ice, carrying the ice sheet into the sea, where it breaks into icebergs.
As the freshwater of Greenland's ice sheet seeps into the salt water of the oceans, low-lying lands around the globe are threatened.
Sea levels are rising.
Water expanding as it gets warmer caused, in the 20th century alone, a rise of 20 centimeters.
Everything becomes unstable.
Coral reefs are extremely sensitive to the slightest change in water temperature. 30% have disappeared.
They are an essential link in the chain of species.
In the atmosphere, major wind streams are changing direction.
Rain cycles are altered.
The geography of climates is modified.
The inhabitants of low-lying islands, here in the Maldives, for example, are on the front line.
They are increasingly concerned.
Some are already looking for new, more hospitable lands.
If sea levels continue to rise faster and faster, what will major cities like Tokyo, the world's most populous city, do?
Every year, scientists' predictions become more alarming.
70% of the world's population lives on coastal plains.
11 of the 15 biggest cities stand on a coastline or river estuary.
As the seas rise, salt will invade the water table, depriving inhabitants of drinking water.
Migratory phenomena are inevitable.
The only uncertainty concerns their scale.
In Africa, Mount Kilimanjaro is unrecognizable.
80% of its glaciers have disappeared.
In summer, the rivers no longer flow.
Local peoples are affected by the lack of water.
Even on the world's highest peaks, in the heart of the Himalayas, eternal snows and glaciers are receding.
Yet these glaciers play an essential role in the water cycle.
They trap the water from the monsoons as ice and release it in the summer when the snows melt.
The Himalayan glaciers are the source of all the great Asian rivers, the Indus, Ganges, Mekong, Yangtze Kiang... 2 billion people depend on them for drinking water and to irrigate their crops, as in Bangladesh.
On the delta of the Ganges and Brahmaputra, Bangladesh is directly affected by phenomena occurring in the Himalayas and at sea level.
This is one of the most populous and poorest countries in the world.
It is already hit by global warming.
The combined impact of increasingly dramatic floods and hurricanes could make a third of its land mass disappear.
When populations are subjected to these devastating phenomena, they eventually move away.
Wealthy countries will not be spared.
Droughts are occurring all over the planet.
In Australia, half of farmland is already affected.
We are in the process of compromising the climatic balance that has allowed us to develop over 12,000 years.
More and more wildfires encroach on major cities.
In turn, they exacerbate global warming.
As the trees burn, they release carbon dioxide.
The system that controls our climate has been severely disrupted.
The elements on which it relies have been disrupted.
The clock of climate change is ticking in these magnificent landscapes.
Here in Siberia, and elsewhere across the globe, it is so cold that the ground is constantly frozen.
It's known as permafrost.
Under its surface lies a climatic time-bomb.
Methane, a greenhouse gas 20 times more powerful than carbon dioxide.
If the permafrost melts, the methane releases would cause the greenhouse effect to race out of control with consequences no one can predict.
We would literally be in unknown territory.
Humanity has no more than 10 years to reverse the trend and avoid crossing into this territory...
Life on Earth as we have never known it.
We have created phenomena we cannot control.
Since our origins, water, air and forms of life are intimately linked.
But recently we have broken those links.
We must believe what we know.
All we have just seen is a reflection of human behavior.
We have shaped the Earth in our image.
We have very little time to change.
How can this century carry the burden of 9 billion human beings if we refuse to be called to account for everything we alone have done?
20% of the world's population consumes 80% of its resources
The world spends 12 times more on military expenditures than on aid to developing countries
5,000 people a day die because of dirty drinking water 1 billion people have no access to safe drinking water
Nearly 1 billion people are going hungry
Over 50% of grain traded around the world is used for animal feed or biofuels
40% of arable land has suffered long-term damage
Every year, 13 million hectares of forest disappear
1 mammal in 4, 1 bird in 8, 1 amphibian in 3 are threatened with extinction
Species are dying out at a rhythm 1,000 times faster than the natural rate
Three quarters of fishing grounds are exhausted, depleted or in dangerous decline
The average temperature of the last 15 years has been the highest ever recorded
The ice cap is 40% thinner than 40 years ago
There may be at least 200 million climate refugees by 2050
Others pay the price without having been actively involved.
I have seen refugee camps as big as cities, sprawling in the desert.
How many men, women and children will be left by the wayside tomorrow?
Must we always build walls to break the chain of human solidarity, separate peoples and protect the happiness of some from others' misery? It's too late to be a pessimist.
I know that a single human can knock down every wall.
It's too late to be a pessimist.
Worldwide, 4 children out of 5 attend school. Never has learning been given to so many human beings.
Everyone, from richest to poorest, can make a contribution.
Lesotho, one of the world's poorest countries, is proportionally the one that invests most in its people's education.
Qatar, one of the richest states, has opened up to the best universities.
Culture, education, research and innovation are inexhaustible resources.
In the face of misery and suffering, millions of NGOs prove that solidarity between peoples is stronger than the selfishness of nations.
In Bangladesh, a man thought the unthinkable and founded a bank that lends only to the poor.
In 30 years, it has changed the lives of 150 million people.
Antarctica is a continent with immense natural resources that no country can claim for itself, a natural reserve devoted to peace and science.
A treaty signed by 49 states has made it a treasure shared by all humanity. It's too late to be a pessimist.
Governments have acted to protect nearly 2% of territorial waters.
It's not much but it's 2 times more than 10 years ago. The first natural parks were created just over a century ago.
They cover over 13% of the continents.
They create spaces where human activity is in step with the preservation of species, soils and landscapes.
This harmony between humans and nature can become the rule, no longer the exception. In the US, New York has realized what nature does for us.
These forests and lakes supply all the city's drinking water.
In South Korea, the forests had been devastated by war.
Thanks to a national reforestation program, they once more cover 65% of the country.
More than 75% of paper is recycled.
Costa Rica has made a choice between military spending and land conservation. The country no longer has an army.
It prefers to devote its resources to education, ecotourism and the protection of its primary forest.
Gabon is one of the world's leading producers of wood. It enforces selective logging.
Not more than 1 tree every hectare.
Its forests are one of the country's most important resources, but they have time to regenerate.
Programs exist that guarantee sustainable forest management.
They must become mandatory.
For consumers and producers, justice is an opportunity to be seized.
When trade is fair, when both buyer and seller benefit, everybody can prosper and earn a decent living.
How can there be justice and equity between people whose only tools are their hands and those who harvest their crops with a machine and state subsidies?
Let's be responsible consumers.
Think about what we buy!
I have seen agriculture on a human scale.
It can feed the whole planet if meat production doesn't take the food out of people's mouths.
I have seen fishermen who take care what they catch and care for the riches of the ocean.
I have seen houses producing their own energy.
5,000 people live in the world's first ever eco-friendly district in Freiburg, Germany. Other cities partner the project.
Mumbai is the thousandth to join them.
The governments of New Zealand, Iceland, Austria, Sweden and other nations have made the development of renewable energy sources a top priority.
80% of the energy we consume comes from fossil energy sources.
Every week, two new coal-fired generating plants are built in China alone.
But I have also seen, in Denmark, a prototype of a coal-fired plant that releases carbon into the soil rather than the air. A solution for the future?
Nobody knows yet.
I have seen, in Iceland, an electricity plant powered by the Earth's heat.
Geothermal power.
I have seen a sea snake lying on the swell to absorb the energy of the waves and produce electricity.
I have seen wind farms off Denmark's coast that produce 20% of the country's electricity.
The USA, China, India, Germany and Spain are the biggest investors in renewable energy.
They have already created over 2.5 million jobs.
Where on earth doesn't the wind blow?
I have seen desert expanses baking in the sun.
Everything on Earth is linked, and the Earth is linked to the sun, its original energy source.
Can humans not imitate plants and capture its energy?
In one hour, the sun gives the Earth the same amount of energy as that consumed by all humanity in one year.
As long as the Earth exists, the sun's energy will be inexhaustible.
All we have to do is stop drilling the Earth and start looking to the sky.
All we have to do is learn to cultivate the sun.
All these experiments are only examples, but they testify to a new awareness.
They lay down markers for a new human adventure based on moderation, intelligence and sharing.
It's time to come together.
What's important is not what's gone, but what remains.
We still have half the world's forests, thousands of rivers, lakes and glaciers, and thousands of thriving species.
We know that the solutions are there today.
We all have the power to change.
So what are we waiting for?
It's up to us to write what happens next
Together
Special thanks to the 88.000 employees of the PPR Group
Hello
Yes?
What?
Sir, kindly switch off your mobile phone
Just one sec, please
Excuse me
Excuse me Sir, please sit down
Captain, there's a medical emergency
A passenger has just fallen down in the aisle Delhi, Air India 101 returning due to medical emergency
Excuse me, sir
I'm fine now, thanks.
Carry on, please
Wait
Get the car!
- Mr. Dhillon?
Want the name tattooed?
Get the car
To the hotel, sir?
Yes, yes, but via Vasant Vihar
Step on the gas, dude !
Yeah, Farhan?
Get ready.
I'll pick you up in five minutes
What happened?
Chatur called.
The 'Silencer'?
He said Rancho is coming
What?
He said - Come to the campus at 8.
On the tank
Oh shucks !
Hurry!
Ok
Honey, I'll be back soon.
We found our buddy
What?
Tell me later, bye
You forgot your pants
Now to the hotel, sir?
Yes, but via Imperial College of Engineering
Ok sir
More than just your socks
Your pants
Oh no
Now get my brother from the airport
Same last name - Dhillon This is Dhillon.
Where's my cab?
On the runway?
Hey Rancho
Hey Chatur, where's Rancho?
Rancho
Where's Rancho?
Welcome, idiots
Some 'madeira' for you?
The same rum you guzzled those days
Have a drink
Where is Rancho?
Patience.. First look at this
Don't eye my wife..
Check out the mansion behind, idiots
$ 3.5 million
Swimming pool - heated !
Living room - maple wood flooring
My new Lambhorghini 6496 cc - very fast
Why're you showing us all this?
Forgot?
What's this?
'5th September'.
Today's date
I challenge you
We'll meet again after ten years
Same day..
Same place We'll see who's more successful
Have the balls?
C'mon, bet!
Remember?
I'd challenged that idiot right here
I kept my promise.
I'm back
I aborted a flight, he forgot his pants all to meet Rancho 5 years we've searched.
Don't know if he's alive and you think he'll show up for your silly bet
I know he won't show up
You gonna break his jaw or should I
So why'd you call us here?
To meet Rancho Come and see where I've reached and where he rots
So you know where Rancho is?
Yes
Where?
He is in Shimla
Free as the wind was he
Like a soaring kite was he
Where did he go...
let's find him
Free as the wind was he
Like a soaring kite was he
Where did he go...
let's find him
We were led by the path we took
While he carved a path of his own
Stumbling, rising, carefree walked he
We fretted about the morrow
He simply reveled in today
Living each moment to the fullest
Where did he come from...
He who touched our hearts and vanished...
Where did he go...
let's find him
In scorching Sun, he was like a patch of shade...
In an endless desert, like an oasis......
On a bruised heart, like soothing balm was he
Afraid, we stayed confined in the well
Fearless, he frolicked in the river
Never hesitating to swim against the tide
He wandered lonesome as a cloud ... Yet he was our dearest friend
Where did he go...
let's find him Rancho
Ranchhoddas Shamaldas Chanchad
He was as unique as his name
From birth we were taught - Life is a race
Run fast or you 'll be trampled
Even to be born, one had to race 300 million sperms 1978..
I was born at 5.15 pm At 5.1 6, my father announced
My son will be an engineer.
- Farhan Qureshi.
Engineer And my fate was sealed
What I wanted to be...... no one asked
Raju Rastogi......
Ranchhoddas Chanchad
Room number?
D-26
C'mon
I'm Man Mohan.
MM These engineers call me Millimeter
For eggs, bread, milk, laundry finishing journals, copying assignments
I'm your guy..
Fixed rates..
No bargaining
Hey wait, hold this
Meet Kilobyte, Megabyte, and their mother Gigabyte
Go ahead, click - this family doesn't bite
Check him out...... another God-fearing soul
Hi.. Farhan Qureshi
- I'm Raju Rastogi
Don't worry a few days here and hell lose faith in God
Then naked babes will be on the wall, and he'll say -
Oh God, give me one chance with her
Get out of here
Four bucks.
Here's five.
Keep the change
Thanks boss.
For your tip, here's one in return -
Wear your best underwear tonight
Why?
Your Majesty, thou art great
Accept this humble offering
Ha... here's a He-Man
What a pretty piece.
Cute and compact A campus tradition
- On Day 1...
Freshmen must pay their respects to Seniors in their underwear
This is when we first saw Rancho
Spiderman
Batman
Fresh meat
Greetings.
Drop your pants, get stamped
Name? 'Ranchhoddas Shamaldas Chanchad'
What a mouthful !
Needs serious cramming
Come on - pants off
Being stubborn?
Wet pants not good, kiddo.
Take them off
Aal izz well
- What's that?
Aal izz Well
What did he say?
Someone tell him..
Hey James Bond Make him understand
Take off your pants or they are going to piss on you
Hey 007!
Ashamed to speak Hindi?
Sorry sir, I was born in Uganda, studied in Pondicherry so little slow in Hindi
So explain slowly.
Feeling cold?
Pray undress or he'll do 'urine-expulsion' on you
Calls pissing 'urine-expulsion' !
A true linguist in the land of engineers !
Hey, come out of there
Come out or... or I'll do 'urine-expulsion' on your door
If you aren't out by the count of ten
I'll do 'urine-expulsion' on your door all semester
One
Two
Three
Four
Five
Six
Seven
Eight
Nine
Ten
Salt water is a great conductor of electricity.. 8th Grade Physics
We had studied it.
Dr. Viru Sahastrabuddhe was the Director of ICE
Students called him Virus, computer Virus
Virus on the way, with eggs
Freshmen are summoned.
Come quickly Virus was the most competitive man we had ever seen
He couldn 't bear anyone getting ahead of him
To save time, his shirts had Velcro and his ties had hooks
He'd trained his mind to write with both hands simultaneously
Everyday at 2 pm he took a 7 ½ minute power nap with an opera as lullaby
Govind, his valet, had instructions to carry out all unproductive tasks such as shaving, nail-cutting etc
What is this?
- Sir, nest
Whose?
- A koel bird's nest, sir
A koel bird never makes her own nest
She lays her eggs in other nests
And when they hatch, what do they do?
They push the other eggs out of the nest
Competition over
Their life begins with murder.
That's nature
Compete or die
You also are like the koel birds
And these are the eggs you smashed to get into ICE
Don't forget, ICE gets 400,000 applications a year and only 200 are selected
- You !
And these?
Finished. Broken eggs
My son...... he tried for three years
Rejected.
Every time
Remember, life is a race
If you don't run fast, you'll get trampled
Let me tell you a very interesting story
This is an astronaut pen
Fountain pens and ballpoint pens don't work in outer space
So scientists spent millions to invent this pen
It can write at any angle, in any temperature, in zero gravity
One day, when I was a student the Director of our institute called me
He said, 'Viru Sahastrabuddhe.' I said, 'Yes sir'
'Come here! ' I got scared
He showed me this pen
He said, 'This is a symbol of excellence'
'I give it to you'
'When you come across an extraordinary student like yourself ...pass it onto him'
For 32 years, I've been waiting for that student
Anyone here, who'll strive to win this pen?
Good.
Put your hands down
Shall I post it on the notice board?
Hands down One question, sir
Sir, if pens didn't work in outer space why didn't the astronauts use a pencil?
They'd have saved millions
I will get back to you on this
He zaps a Senior's privates at night fingers the Director in the day.
Best avoid him You deflated Virus's erection
Your Majesty, thou art great.
Accept this humble offering
Buzz off. You don't have school?
Who'll pay for it?
Your pop? Keep off my dad !
- Relax
For school you don't need tuition money, just a uniform
Pick a school, buy the uniform, slip into class
In that sea of kids, no one will notice
If I get caught?
- Then new uniform, new school
See that?
- He was different...
He challenged conventions at every stage
A free-spirited bird had landed in Virus's nest
We were robots, blindly following our professors ' commands
He was the only one who was not a machine
What is a machine?
Why're you smiling?
Sir, to study Engineering was a childhood dream
I'm so happy to be here finally
No need to be so happy.
Define a machine
A machine is anything that reduces human effort
Will you please elaborate?
Anything that simplifies work, or saves time, is a machine
It's a warm day, press a button, get a blast of air
The fan... A machine !
Speak to a friend miles away.
The telephone......
A machine !
Compute millions in seconds..
The calculator...
A machine!
We're surrounded by machines From a pen's nib to a pants' zip - all machines
Up and down in a second.
Up, down, up, down...
What is the definition?
I just gave it to you, sir
You'll write this in the exam?
This is a machine - up, down...
Idiot!
Anybody else?
Yes?
Sir, machines are any combination of bodies so connected that their relative motions are constrained and by which means, force and motion may be transmitted and modified as a screw and its nut, or a lever arranged to turn about a fulcrum or a pulley about its pivot, etc especially, a construction, more or less complex consisting of a combination of moving parts, or simple mechanical elements, as wheels, levers, cams etc
Wonderful
Perfect.
Please sit down
Thank you
But sir, I said the same thing, in simple language
If you prefer simple language, join an Arts and Commerce college
But sir, one must get the meaning too
What's the point of blindly cramming a bookish definition
You think you're smarter than the book?
Write the textbook definition, mister, if you want to pass
But there are other books...... - Get out!
Why?
In simple language - Out!
Idiot!
So, we were discussing the machine...
Why're you back?
I forgot something
What?
Instruments that record, analyze, summarize, organize debate and explain information; that are illustrated, non-illustrated hard-bound, paperback, jacketed, non-jacketed with foreword, introduction, table-of-contents, index that are intended for the enlightenment, understanding enrichment, enhancement and education of the human brain through the sensory route of vision, sometimes touch
What do you mean?
Books, sir
I forgot my books.
May I? Couldn't you ask simply?
I tried earlier, sir.
It simply didn't work Professors kept Rancho mostly out... seldom in
When thrown out of one class, he'd slip into another
- First year or fourth year, it's knowledge.
Just grab it
He was unlike any of us
We fought for a shower every morning
He'd bathe wherever he found water
Morning, sir
Machines were his passion
When he spotted them, he opened them
Some he could re-assemble... some he couldn 't
There was another, just like him
Joy Lobo
Sir.
Excuse me, sir
Mr. Joy Lobo !
Sir, if I could know the convocation dates......
Why? Dad wants to make train reservations
I'm the first engineer from my village.
Everyone wants to attend
Please hurry up..
Hello
Dad, the Director wants to speak to you
Mr. Lobo, your son won't graduate this year
What happened, sir?
He has violated all deadlines
Mr. Lobo, it's an unrealistic project
He is making some nonsense helicopter
I suggest you don't book your tickets.
I'm so sorry
Sir, I am this close, sir
Is your project ready?
- Sir, see it once, please Submit it, and we'll consider
Sir, a small extension...
- Why, why should I? After dad's stroke, I couldn't focus for two months
Did you stop eating?
No Stopped bathing?
So why stop studying?
Sir, I'm very close.
See it once, please...
Mr. Lobo ! Sunday afternoon, my son fell off a train and died
Monday morning, I taught a class.
I can give you sympathy, not an extension Sir...
Lifelong I lived
The life of another
For just one moment
Let me live as I......
Lifelong I lived
The life of another
For just one moment Let me live as I......
Give me some sunshine Give me some rain
Give me another chance I wanna grow up once again
Give me some sunshine Give me some rain
Give me another chance I wanna grow up once again
Dude's come up with an amazing design
A wireless camera atop a helicopter
Can be used for traffic updates, security...
Wow! But Virus said it's an impractical design, it won't fly
It will fly!
We'll make it fly
Don't tell Joy.
It'll be a surprise
We'll fly it up to his window and capture his reaction
If we work on his project, who'll work on ours?
Tests, vivas, quizzes - 42 exams per semester
You scare easily, bro
Take your hand, put it over your heart, and say, 'Aal izz well'
- Aal izz well
Words of wisdom from His Holiness Guru Ranchhoddas
We had an old watchman in our village
On night patrol, he'd call out, 'Aal izz well'
And we slept peacefully.
Then there was a theft and we learned that he couldn't see at night!
He'd just yell 'Aal izz well', and we felt secure
That day I understood this heart scares easily You have to trick it
However big the problem, tell your heart, 'All is well, pal'
That resolves the problem?
No. But you gain courage to face it
Learn it up, bro.
We're gonna really need it here
When life spins out of control Just let your lips roll
Let your lips roll And whistle away the toll
When life spins out of control Just let your lips roll
Just let your lips roll And whistle away the toll
Yell - All is Well...
The chicken's clueless about the egg's fate
Will it hatch or become an omelette
No one knows what the future holds
So let your lips roll And whistle away the toll
Whistle away the toll Yell
- All is Well
Hey bro
- All is Well
Hey mate
- All is Well
Hey bro
Confusion and more confusion No sign of any solution
Ah... finally a solution But wait...... what was the question ?
If the timid heart with fear is about to die
Then con it bro, with this simple lie
Heart's an idiot, it will fall under that spell
Let your lips roll And whistle away the toll
Whistle away the toll Yell
- All is Well
Hey bro
- All is Well
Hey mate
- All is Well
Hey bro
Blew the scholarship on booze But that did not dispel my blues
Holy incense lit up my plight And yet God's nowhere in sight
The lamb is clueless for what it's destined
Will it be served on skewers or simply minced
No one knows what the future holds
So let your lips roll And whistle away the toll
Whistle away the toll Yell
- All is Well
Hey bro
- All is Well
Hey mate
- All is Well
Hey bro
When life spins out of control Just let your lips roll
Just let your lips roll And whistle away the toll
All is Well
The chicken's clueless about the egg's fate
Will it hatch or become an omelette
No one knows what the future holds
So let your lips roll And whistle away the toll
Whistle away the toll
Eureka !
Eureka !
Yell
Hey Mrs. Chicken
- All is Well
Hey Mr..
Hey bro
- All is Well Hey, take it up to Joy's window
Take it higher
Look at Silencer - the nude dude !
Joy, come out
Come to the window
Joy, look outside
Good news, sir
The police and Joy's father have no clue
Everyone thinks this is suicide
The post mortem report -
All think the pressure on the jugular killed him
What about the mental pressure for the last four years?
That's missing in the report
Engineers are a clever bunch
They haven't made a machine to measure mental pressure
If they had, all would know...... this isn't suicide... it's murder
How dare you blame me for Joy's suicide?
If one student can't handle pressure, is it our fault?
Life is full of pressures.
Will you always blame others?
I don't blame you, sir.
Look at these statistics - India ranks No.1 in suicides
Every 90 minutes, a student attempts suicide
Suicide is a bigger killer than disease
Something's terribly wrong, sir
I can't speak for the rest but this is one of the finest colleges in the country
I've run this place for 32 years
We were ranked 28th.
Now we're No.1
What's the point, sir?
Here they don't discuss new ideas or inventions
They discuss grades, jobs, settling in the USA
They teach how to get good scores..
They don't teach Engineering
Now you will teach me how to teach?
No sir, I....
Sir, my paper...
Vaidyanathan, please sit down
Here is a self-proclaimed professor who thinks he is better than our highly qualified teachers
Professor Ranchhoddas Chanchad will teach us Engineering
We do not have all day
You have 30 seconds to define these terms
You may refer to your books
Raise your hand if you get the answer
Let's see who comes first, who comes last
Your time starts... now
Time up
Time up, sir
No one got the answer?
Now rewind your life by a minute
When I asked this question, were you excited?
Curious? Thrilled that you'd learn something new?
Anyone?
... Sir?
No.
You all got into a frantic race
What's the use of such methods, even if you come first
Will your knowledge increase?
No, just the pressure
This is a college, not a pressure cooker
Even a circus lion learns to sit on a chair in fear of the whip
But you call such a lion 'well trained', not 'well educated'
Hello ! This is not a philosophy class.
Just explain those two words
Sir, these words don't exist
These are my friends' names.
Farhan and Raju
Quiet!
Nonsense!
Is this how you'll teach Engineering?
Sir, I wasn't teaching you Engineering
You're an expert at that
I was teaching you... how to teach
And I'm sure one day you'll learn because unlike you, I never abandon my weak students
Bye, sir
Quiet!
Quiet, I said
I regret to inform you that your son...
Farhan...... Raju...... has fallen into bad company
Without urgent corrective steps, his future will be ruined
Virus 's letters dropped on our homes like atom bombs
Hiroshima and Nagasaki plunged into gloom
Our parents invited us - for a dressing down
Come in
See that?
We could afford just one air-conditioner
We put it in Farhan's room, so he could study in comfort
I didn't buy a car.
I manage with a scooter
We put all our money into Farhan's education
We sacrificed our comforts for Farhan's future. U nderstand?
You took these pictures, Farhan?
He had that useless obsession for a while
Went around taking pictures of animals
Wanted to be a wildlife photographer
Son, what was your score that year?
91%
Hear that?
Straight drop from 94% to 91%
You find it funny?
No sir, sorry.
I'm just amazed at the photos
Why make him an engineer...
Why not a wildlife photographer?
Enough !
I humbly request you - Don't ruin my son's future
Food's on the table, boys.
C'mon
If you ever visit again, do eat with us
Dad denied us a meal...
So, to fill our bellies with food... and ears with more reprimands, we reached Raju's house
Raju's house was straight out of a 50's black and white film
A small, dingy room... a paralyzed father... a coughing mother... and an unwed sister
A sofa sprouting springs... a 24 hour water supply - from the leaking roof
Mother was a retired school teacher and a tireless complainer
Father was once a postmaster
Paralysis shut down his body partly... his salary completely.
And the sister... Kammo's turned 28..
They demand a car in dowry
If you don't study and earn, how will she marry?
Some okra?
Okra is now 12 /- per kilo, cauliflower is 10/-
It's daylight robbery!
What will we eat if we get warnings from your college?
Mom!
Cottage cheese?
Cottage cheese should be sold at the jewelers, in velvet pouches
Cottage cheese?
Mom, please
Alright, I'll shut up
Earn for the family, slave like a maid and then take the vow of silence
If not with my son, with whom do I share my woes - his friends?
Hey Raju
We were in a huge dilemma
Do we comfort our friend or console his mom ?
Screw it, we thought, let's focus on the cottage cheese
Even his eczema cream costs 55 /- now
Another roti?
No, thank you.
We're through
Okra for 12 /-
- Cauliflower for 10 /-
At least you were offered a meal
Unlike your sadistic dad......
'Hitler' Qureshi!
And your mom is Mother Teresa......
Feeding us 'eczema roti' !
Don't poke fun at my mom !
- Enough, you guys I'm famished.
Let's eat out
It's month end. Who'll pay?
His Mother Teresa?
To eat out, you don't need money.
Just a uniform.
Look......
C'mon
- Come
Good evening, good evening
Three large vodkas..
- Half soda, half water
If we're caught, we're dead
What's for starters?
- Get double portions
Leave this here and start some peppy music
Pia, what the hell!
Why're you wearing this ancient piece of junk?
What'll people say
- My fiancée... a doctor in the making, wearing a cheap, 200 /- watch !
Please take it off.
Hi handsome
Hey Aunty..
You're looking good Don't miss my set, darling
- Rubies?
From Mandalay
- Mandalay....
Wow! Hey, let's go meet David
- Of course
Excuse me
Yes?
Flowers
May I take the glass?
- Why? So you don't break it on my head
Why would I do that?
For the free advice I'll now impart
What?
Don't marry that ass
Excuse me?
He's not a human, he's a price tag
He'll turn your life into a nightmare of brands and prices
He'll ruin your life.
Your future will be finished
Want a demonstration?
Shall I find out the price of his shoes?
I won't ask.
He'll announce it himself
What the hell.....
Mint sauce on my $300 shoes !
Run for your life ! It's free advice.
Take it or leave it
Genuine Italian leather - hand-stitched !
Dad, are they your guests?
My students.
What're they doing here?
Hold on, Dad
These beans smell great
No room for roti
- Just pile it on
Hi
- Hey
That was an eye-opener..
Thank you so much
It was my moral responsibility
Can I ask you for little more help?
Dad won't let me break off this engagement
You explain so well.
Can you give him a demo too?
Certainly.
Raju, the mint sauce
You're really sweet
Where is your daddy?
- Right behind you
Aal izz well
Run for your life !
It's free advice.
Take it or leave it
What're you doing here?
We'll hand these gifts to the couple
I'll do that for you.
It's my sister's wedding Sister?
Sir, what's the sum total of your daughters?
Empty.
No gift cheques
Forgot the cheques, Raju ... Farhan?
We didn't invite you, you must be from the groom's side
No sir, we're here as the emissaries of science
Can you explain?
Dad, he explains superbly..
I'm sure he'll give us a demo
Won't you?
Well, Delhi has plenty of power cuts that... disrupt wedding celebrations
So I thought of making an inverter that... draws power from guests' cars
I see
Wow
So where's the inverter?
Sir, the design is ready
Where's the design, Farhan?
I gave you the design
- I gave it to Raju
Raju, design?
Never mind the design.
I'll make the inverter and show you
You can only invent stories, not an inverter
I'll make one, I promise
And I'll name it after you.
After all, it was invented... at your daughter's wedding.
So it'll be an honor......
Farhan, Raju.
I'll see you in my office tomorrow
Sir, what was the cost per plate?
We'll never crash a wedding again
- Not even my own
In fact, I won't even marry.
Uh... right.
Your parents shouldn't have married either
The world would have to feed two less idiots
Sit!
Pay attention
This is Ranchhoddas's father's monthly income
Couple of zeroes less, and it's still a sizeable income
But erase another zero, and I would worry a little
Isn't that your father's income, Farhan?
Yes, sir
Now take away another zero...... and that's your family income, Raju Rastogi
Big reason to worry
Take my advice and shift into Chatur Ramalingam's room
Exams are here. Stay with Rancho and you're sure to fail
Want a shave?
- No, sir Then get lost!
Raju, don't worry.
This is Virus's move to split us.
Divide and rule
I have to worry
He grades us, and I need good grades for a good job
Unlike you, I don't have a rich dad I can live off
Shut up, Raju
Must we follow all his hogwash?
I won't be his flunky... like you
You're crossing the line
I have a family to support
Dad's medicines swallow up mom's pension
My sis can't marry because they want a car in dowry
Mom hasn't bought a single saree in five years
Now don't get your mom's wardrobe into the debate
By the way, how many sarees per annum is reasonable?
Hey... no wisecracks about mom
We'll study with all our heart, but not just for grades
To quote a Wise One - Study to be accomplished, not affluent
Follow excellence.
And success will chase you, pants down !
Which Wise One says this?
His Holiness Guru Ranchhoddas?
Go rot in the bogs!
Raju, don't stress.
We'll top our class.
Nothing is impossible
Oh yeah?
Shove this back into the tube
Raju got onto another train
His travails with Chatur began..
Yes, I mean travails, not travels
Chatur was called 'Silencer'
To sharpen his memory, he popped pills from a local quack
And then let off silent... but lethal farts
I didn't do it...
Raju?
He always blamed others for the output
Silencer crammed 18 hours a day
On exam eve, he would distract others
His belief
- There are only two ways of topping
Elevate your own grades or shrink your opponents' grades
Rancho decided to subdue Silencer and rescue Raju... with one master plan
Our Director has unceasingly served... 'Served' means...
Damn the meaning, I'll memorize it
Chatur was the introductory speaker at the Teachers' Day function
To impress Virus, he got his speech written by the librarian...... in highbrow Hindi
Hello.
Hold on.
Chatur, call for you
Please collect the printout.
I'll be right back
Mr. Dubey, the Director was remembering you
Really?
- Yes. Just now
I'll see him right away.
Hello.
Hello - Hello, Mr. Ramalingam?
Yes?
I'm calling from the police station
Are you from Uganda?
Your life is in danger
- What?
......
Listen carefully, or else... you'll get killed as you step out of the college gate
Why? What happened?
While Chatur was kept engaged
Rancho altered a few words in his speech, for eg... 'served' became 'screwed'
Yes sir?
Who are you?
- Dubey.
I'm permanent staff, sir
Congratulations
Hold on a moment.
The chief is on the other line
Excuse me, sir
Yes... so where was I?
You said I may die...
outside the gate
Right. As you get out of the gate, you'll see a traffic signal
Traffic signal.
Ok When it turns red, all the cars will halt
Ok.
Then?
Then cross the road with great caution
Because son, in rush hour if a car hits you, you're dead
What nonsense!
I know that
You know that?
Excellent.. Then you're safe my boy
From the librarian, Silencer
You don't call me that, Chanchad
Hey. The Director said he didn't call for me
Who said 'called'?
I just said he 'remembered' you
Remembered? Rascals !
Distinguished Mr. Chairperson
Chief guest, the Honorable Minister of Education respected teachers and friends
ICE has now soared beyond the stratosphere
The credit goes solely to
Dr. Viru Sahastrabuddhe..
Give him a big hand
Sir, the voice is his but the words are mine
He's a great guy, really you are
For 32 years, he has unceasingly screwed students
He means - 'served' students
I'm sure his endeavors will continue
We are astounded at how one man, in one lifetime can screw so many, so well
With rigorous training he's built up his stamina
He's spent every living minute just screwing
Let's replicate his methods
Tomorrow ICE students will go across the globe
Wherever we go, we promise to screw
We'll hoist this screwer's flag all over the world
We'll show the world that our capacity to screw... cannot be matched by any student... anywhere on the planet
Mr. Minister.
Good evening
You have given this institution what it sorely needs
Booty, funds
- Bosom
It's booty, stupid.
Bosom means...
What nonsense!
That's insulting
Everyone has a bosom, but it remains pocketed
No one offers it so readily
Vulgar fellow!
You have generously offered your bosom... to this relentless screwer
Now see how he makes it grow
Is this what you teach here, Director?
On this august occasion, here's a Sanskrit verse...
Listen to this - the might of his fart in verse
A good loud fart is honorable
'Fart'?
Go, Silencer A medium fart is tolerable
Softer windbreaks are terrible
And the silent ones unbearable
What did I do?
That's what mindless cramming does to you
Cramming may see you through four years of college but it will 'screw' you for the next 40 years
He still doesn't get it
'Medium fart is tolerable'...
Unbelievable !
You're a poet, Rancho.. How did you think of this?
That was fun.
He didn't know what hit him
You swines!
What did I ever do to you?
Sorry man..
Don't take it personally
I will
Chatur Ramalingam will never forget this insult
I'll think of it every minute, every second of my life
Sorry man..
That was a demo for Raju
- Don't cram blindly Understand and enjoy the wonders of Science
I'm not here to enjoy Science
So You're here to screw Science
Go ahead.
Laugh at my methods
But one day these methods will bring me success
That day I'll laugh and you'll cry
You're on the wrong track again.
Become a good engineer and success will chase you
These ideals don't work in the real world
You take your train, I'll take mine
Ten years from now we'll meet at the same station
We'll see who's more successful you... or I
Same place.
Have the balls?
C'mon, bet! It's a challenge
Watch it!
What's he writing?
Don't forget this date
I'm not used to such expensive gifts, Suhas
Get used to them, Pia
You're gonna be Suhas Tandon's wife
Where's the bill, man?
I'll be back
You changed the speech?
- What? Don't lie
Um......
Yeah What's your problem with dad?
- I have no problem
I'm making an inverter named after him..
Look... Oh
Why're you harassing him?
'Cause he runs a factory, not a college
Churning out asses..
Like that one
She destroyed it, man
How dare you call him an ass?
He is one!
First Engineering, then MBA then becomes a banker in the USA
Because it rakes in more money?
Life for him is just a profit-loss statement
He sees profit in you, so he's with you
Director's daughter, doctor in the making......
It's not you he cares for
Who do you think you are?
What do you mean he doesn't care for me?
New watch?
One moment
You always need a demo
Hey Suhas
Where were you?
She's looking for her watch
What?
Never mind.
Get another
It cost 400,000!
Mine's just 250/- but keeps the same time
How could you be so careless, Pia
This callous attitude is disgusting.
It's disrespectful
That was a limited edition watch
Now wear your ancient piece of junk at dinner
What're you staring at?
Here come the tears !
Real mature, Pia
I can't handle this
Stop crying and look for it
Find another wrist for this watch... Ass!
Hey, you're awesome.
Called him an ass to his face
Get lost It's too noisy here
She's saying 'Thank you', I hear 'Get lost'
I said 'Get lost'
- Don't get so uptight
Actually, you never really loved him
What do you mean?
When you see him, do the winds whisper a melody?
Your scarf flies in slow motion?
The Moon appears gigantic?
That happens in movies, not in life
Happens in life too - if you love a person ... not an ass
Hello.
What?
Oh God !
Ok, I'm on my way
You're a medical student, right?
Need your help It's an emergency, please
- What?
Please come with me.
What's that oath you doctors take -
You'll never deny a patient help......
The Hippocratic Oath
Please help me, it's an emergency
You gatecrash my sister's wedding, break off my engagement...... my dad is popping BP pills because of you... and here I am, helping you !
Unbelievable !
This Hippocratic Oath - It's really done us in !
Where's Raju, ma'am?
- Gone to get a cab Called the ambulance two hours ago
In this country, pizza reaches in 30 minutes but an ambulance... !
He needs hospitalization.
Urgently
Hey stop!
Move, it's an emergency!
Move... move......
Move... move......
Doctor, emergency!
That's the patient
Keep this..
Hey, here's Raju
What the hell !
You brought dad on the scooter
Should I've sent him by courier?
No wisecracks on dads profession !
Where is he?
Go ask the doctor
Close call, Pia.
A little delay, we'd have lost him
Glad you didn't wait for an ambulance and got him on the scooter
Call me if there's a problem
Rancho!
Thank you...
Thanking your buddies !
Silencer teaching you manners?
Didn't he teach you - A friend is man's greatest bosom?
Go on now.
You have an exam tomorrow
Exams we have many......
Dad mostly just one
We won't budge from here without the Postmaster
Don't worry
Rancho, forgive me.
I was scared It's ok.
Quiet, now
Please forgive me
It's ok, calm down.
Go see your dad
And don't go with that weepy face
Thanks buddy
Natty scooter.
Saved a life. How much does it cost?
Pour some mint sauce on it. It'll tell you
Hey, happy Independence Day
Today isn't Independence Day For you it is!
Now you're free to wear your mom's watch
No ass can say it's an ancient piece of junk
Hey
How do you know it was mom's watch?
At your sister's wedding, you wore sparkling new clothes
Only the watch was old
What could that mean?
You really missed your mom that day, didn't you?
Yes
Your mom must've been really beautiful
Yes.
How do you know?
Seen your dad?
'Life is a race..
If you don't run fast you'll be a broken egg ... cuckoo bird'
The winds whisper a melody
The sky hums along
Time itself is singing....
Zoobi do... Param pum
'Zoobi doobi zoobi doobi pum paara Zoobi doobi param pum '
My silly heart goes 'Zoobi doobi zoobi doobi' as it jives and jigs along
'Zoobi doobi zoobi doobi pum paara Zoobi doobi param pum '
My silly heart goes 'Zoobi doobi zoobi doobi' as it jives and jigs along
Leaves sing on their branches Bees jam with flowers
Crazy sunbeams dance off petals As birds yodel in the skies
Flowers, bold and brazen Snuggle and cootchie-coo
I've seen it happen in movies What's now happening with us
'Zoobi doobi zoobi doobi pum paara Zoobi doobi param pum '
My silly heart goes 'Zoobi doobi zoobi doobi' as it jives and jigs along
'Zoobi doobi zoobi doobi pum paara Zoobi doobi param pum '
My silly heart goes 'Zoobi doobi zoobi doobi' as it jives and jigs along
Let's make the unique and ever useful mint sauce
The all-powerful sauce that exposes phony people
Your 7th house is clear
Shunning an ass, you 'll fall for a human
Time is ripe for love
Temperature in New Delhi remains stable
Clear skies.
But if in love, expect rain Pitter-patter go the raindrops Whish-whoosh whistles the wind
Do-da-dee waltzes the rain Boom-boom echoes the sky
Drenched in rain and passion You sway your hips on cue
I've seen it happen in movies What's now happening with us
'Zoobi doobi zoobi doobi pum paara Zoobi doobi param pum '
My silly heart goes 'Zoobi doobi zoobi doobi' as it jives and jigs along
'Zoobi doobi zoobi doobi pum paara Zoobi doobi param pum '
My silly heart goes 'Zoobi doobi zoobi doobi' as it jives and jigs along
The gorgeous low moon Serenades the earth
A shooting star skips along Crooning a ballad of love
The night is bright but lonesome Come touch me, my handsome
I've seen it happen in movies What's now happening with us
'Zoobi doobi zoobi doobi pum paara Zoobi doobi param pum '
My silly heart goes 'Zoobi doobi zoobi doobi' as it jives and jigs along
'Zoobi doobi zoobi doobi pum paara Zoobi doobi param pum '
My silly heart goes 'Zoobi doobi zoobi doobi' as it jives and jigs along 'Zoobi doobi zoobi doobi' .... goes my silly heart 'Zoobi doobi zoobi doobi' .... goes my silly heart
Hello.
Huh......
Postmaster's dead?
- What! No, stupid It's 8..30, your exam is at 9
But we can't leave him alone
I'm here.
It's a matter of three hours
Take my scooter.
It's getting late
Hey...
Gosh, what an ancient watch
Go
Sorry, we're late
- It was an emergency
Settle down there
Sir, they're still writing
Hello.
Time up
Please, five minutes..
We started half an hour late It was an emergency
He glared at us like we 'd asked for both his kidneys
But we continued writing
He continued arranging the answer sheets
Done, sir
You're late.
I can't accept these Sir, please, sir
Sir, do you know who we are?
Prime Ministers son?
Even then... I will not accept your paper
Do you know our names and roll numbers?
No...
Who are you?
He doesn't know
Hey, what's your roll number?
Where the hell are their papers?
O Lord, have mercy
Today was Results day. Time to make a deal with God
Just save my Electronics..
I'll offer a coconut
Sir Snake, bless my Physics.
I promise a pint of milk per day
O Mother Cow, help me pass... have this grass
I vow; No X-rated thoughts of girls in my class...
Watch over my results
God of Wealth, I'll offer 100 /- every month 100 /- won't bribe even a traffic cop let alone the Almighty
Check from the bottom
You are.... last
And you?
Second last
Rancho?
Not there
My heart sank
Not 'cause our ranks tanked, but 'cause our friend flunked
There's a mistake.
It's not possible..
What's Silencer howling about?
He got the second rank
Who's first?
Rancho
Move aside
We learned a lesson in Human Behavior;
Your friend fails, you feel bad..
Your friend tops, you feel worse We were sad..
Two others were sadder
Ranchhoddas Chanchad..
Front row.
Right of the Director Uday Sinha.
Second row.
Third seat
Alok Mittal.
Second row.
Fifth seat
Sahili Rao..
Third row..... Sir, why this seating according to rank?
Any problem with that?
A-graders:
Masters C-graders:
Slaves It's not nice, sir
- You have a better idea?
Yes.
Results should not be displayed at all
Why publicise someone's flaws?
If your iron count is low, will the doctor prescribe tonic... or air your report on TV
You see, sir?
So basically, what you are saying is I should personally go to each student's room and whisper in his ears...
'You have come first';
'You're second';
'Oh, I'm so sorry, you have failed'
No sir, I mean grades create a divide
I've topped, so I'm next to you
My pals came last, they're in the back corner
At least they're in the corner
More time with you, and they'll be out of the photo
They will neither pass, nor get a job
They'll get jobs, sir.
There must be some firm that... prefers humans to machines
They'll get jobs.. I guarantee
You guarantee it!
Bet, sir?
Govind
- Yes, sir?
Even if one of them gets a job in campus interviews... shave off my moustache
Sir !
Happy?
- Smile, please
Happy, sir
Jackass !
Honking to hide your tooting
Septic tank!
Popping pills again?
I didn't do it...
Raju?
This is a familiar stink
He's the sole cause for global warming
Toss me your wallet - I'll buy pants
Take Chatur's suit instead
- Don't touch my suit
Rancho'll recognize you even in underwear
Where's this?
- If I could read, would I sell peanuts?
He can't read
- But he can speak
Wait..
Do you know a Ranchhoddas Chanchad?
Yes, he lives there
Free as the wind was he
Like a soaring kite was he
Where did he go... let's find him
Chatur, your pills
- Thanks. Where were they?
In the pocket
- Hey, my pants!
Karl Marx says to share all resources
Hey, you'll give people ideas
I want it now
What happened?
Rancho's father
Excuse me, where is Ranchhoddas?
There he is
- Thank you
Rancho... - Yes?
Sorry..
We're looking for Ranchhoddas
I am Ranchhoddas
No, I mean...... 'Ranchhoddas Shamaldas Chanchad'
Ranchhoddas Shamaldas Chanchad.. That's me
Ranchhoddas, take care, son
'Ranchhoddas Chanchad'
Raju
I'll be in the Guinness Book for driving Delhi-Shimla in underwear That too, for the wrong guy!
Same name, same degree, same photo, but a different guy
What's going on?
How did Silencer get Rancho's address?
Good point!
Hey Chatur, come here
How dare you open this?
I got this from San Francisco
Handmade biscuits
Specially for Mr. Phunsukh Wangdu Phunsukh Bangdu?
Who's that? Not Bangdu.
Wangdu.. 'W'.
Phunsukh Wangdu
Do you know who that is? He's a great scientist 400 patents.. The world wants him
Took me a year to get an appointment
Once he signs the deal with my company, I'll be huge !
Forget Wangdu.
How'd you get Rancho's address?
You should be thanking Phunsukh Wangdu
He led me to Rancho, See this
My secretary was here to fix an appointment with Wangdu
She didn't get the appointment.
But I found Rancho I checked the Shimla directory and found Rancho's name
What happened to his face?
Plastic surgery in honor of your visit?
Only one man has the answer
Sorry Papa, I couldn't fulfill your last wish
You kept asking me to take you on pilgrimage
But I waited for the highway tender
There the tender opened, here you closed your eyes
I am so sorry, Papa.
I could not be a good son...
Wrong
You're an engineer.
Your degree's on the wall !
You were a very good son
How dare you barge in?
I'll have you arrested
No, you'll be arrested.
You use the degree to clinch contracts
It's our friend's degree..
How did you get it?
This is a 150 acre estate
If I shoot and bury you, no one would even notice
Get the point?
Now get lost
I'm taking Papa's ashes to the sacred river.
Grab Papa !
Here, here
Let go of Papa !
Tell the truth or Papa is flushed !
Hand over Papa - Papa goes to the sacred sewer
Get Papa out of the potty - You pull trigger, I pull flush.
I'll count to three
Wanna shoot us?
One
Two
Then grope for him in the gutter
What is it, Raju?
We've got the wrong urn.
Empty?
Empty - we'll empty it out!
No, no ! We'll empty it out
No... hands up !
Who are you?
I swear on Papa, it's true
I am Rancho !
That was Chhote..
Chhote?
He was our gardener's son, Chhote
He stayed on with us after he was orphaned
Did odd jobs around the house, ran errands
He'd wear my old uniform and slip into school
And attend any class he liked.
I made him do my homework, take my exams
It was going well, till one day....
Our teacher saw a sixth grader doing tenth grade math
Which grade are you in, son?
What's your name?
We got caught
Papa was a powerful man, so...... our teacher alerted him before going to the Principal
You started it, you will finish it
People pretend to show me respect
But behind my back... mock me as an illiterate
I won't let that happen to my son
This boy wants to study.
I want just a degree
Let the game go on
Make this kid an engineer and I'll have a degree in my son's name on that wall
I went to London for four years, he went to college as me
He'd promised to cut contact with all after getting the degree
But he always said, 'Two idiots will come looking for me'
He really misses you both
I'll give you his address, go to him
But please keep my secret
What secret?
You got the wrong urn, sir.
Papa is in here
What the hell's going on?
Who was that gun guy? Complicated story..
Without subtitles.
Not for you Ignore it
- Where're we going?
Ladakh
Ladakh !
To meet Rancho
What's he doing in Ladakh?
No clue. We have the address of a school
School teacher!
I'm Vice President of Rockledge Corporation, and he......
A for Apple, B for Ball...
D for Donkey
Next week I sign a huge deal with Phunsukh Wangdu
A for Apple, B for Ball...
Today my respect for that idiot shot up
Most of us went to college just for a degree
No degree meant no plum job, no pretty wife... no credit card, no social status
None of this mattered to him
He was in college for the joy of learning
He never cared if he was first or last
Who was the first man on the Moon?
Obviously, it is Neil Armstrong.
We all know it
Who was the second?
Don't waste your time.
Nobody remembers the man who ever came second
Soon, 26 companies will be here with job offers
You'll have a job even before your final exam
This is your last lap, my friends
Put the pedal to the metal.
Step on the gas
Go out there and make history!
Any questions?
Yes?
Sir, suppose a student gets a job...... but narrowly fails the final exam, will he still have the job?
Very good question
Anyone else with the same question?
As expected
Please come on stage..
Give them a big hand
For the last four years they've been our most consistent students
Consistently last in every exam
Come my geniuses, come
Their brains will fetch a handsome price
'Cause they're completely unused
And to answer their question -
The exam won't affect their jobs
Because no company will hire them anyway!
They're so unique, their names will be writ in gold -
'Farhanitrate' and 'Prerajulization'
Give them a big hand, please, everybody
He screwed us!
In front of everyone
God, I'll give up meat, light a 1000 incense sticks
Do me just one favor -
Delete Virus!
Burn him in hell Fry Virus-nuggets in bubbling oil
You think God is a contract killer?
You shut up
You're in the center of the photo every year
We're rotting in the corner
This year we may fall out of the photo altogether
Know why I come first? - Why?
Because I love machines
Engineering is my passion
Know your passion?
That's my bag
- Be quiet
What're you up to?
This... is your passion
Go post this letter What letter?
5 years ago he wrote this for his favorite wildlife photographer
Andre...
- Istvan
He wanted to train with him in Hungary
But in fear of his dad, the Fuhrer, never posted it
Quit Engineering, marry Photography
Follow your talent
If Michael Jackson's dad forced him to be a boxer... and Mohammad Ali's dad pushed him to be a singer...... imagine the disaster
Do you get it?
Idiot!
Loves Photography, but is marrying machines
Your Holiness Guru Ranchhoddas
Engineering is my wife and mistress both
But I still fail..
Why?
- Explain
'Cause you're a coward, scared of the future
Look at this - more holy rings than fingers
One ring per fear - exam, sis's dowry, job
With such fear of tomorrow, how'll you live today?
How'll you focus on studies?
Strange buddies !
One lives in fear, the other in pretense
You live in both - fear and pretense
You're scared to tell Pia you love her... so you pretend you don't
What rubbish !
Easy to offer free advice, tough to follow it
Have the guts?
Go confess to Pia.
There's no connection !
- Deep connection, Your Holiness
Listen, if you confess to Pia
- No Engineering, I'm marrying Photography
And I'll dump my rings before the job interview
Deal?
Have the guts?
His Holiness is speechless
Let's go
Follow me - Where?
Let's go Hey Virus! I'm anti-Virus
Hope no dog here
Cowards !
If any danger, I'll give the Virus alert
Beware - Virus inside
Need background score?
Pia
- Who's it?
Don't yell !
It's me, Rancho
Just listen for a moment, then I'm gone
Say not a word... Pia... - Yes?
Those 22 minutes with you on the scooter were the most enchanting 22 minutes of my life
I could spend an eternity with you on the scooter
Wow .... and time stands still
Every night you ride into my dreams on your scooter, dressed as a bride
Instead of a veil, you lift your helmet
and come close to kiss me
But that kiss doesn't happen Why?
Because the noses collide, and I wake up
The noses never collide, stupid !
I'm sorry, I thought you were Pia I wish I was
Sis, why did you interrupt?
It took him four years to say this Pia, kiss him. Show that noses don't collide
You have my permission, kiss him...
He's so cute! Who's this?
- My sister
Who're you?
When you were talking, he kicked.
He?
How do you know it's a 'he' or 'she'?
Papa asked the astrologer If we'd get an engineer or a doctor
Meaning?
Boy becomes an engineer, girl a doctor
Champ, better stay inside.
Out here's a circus
Your grandpa is the ringmaster.
He'll crack his whip -
'Run !
Life is a race.
Be an engineer'
But you follow your heart..
If grandpa scares you... put your hand on your heart and say, 'All is well'
He kicked
Say it again
All is well
Kicked again
Once more
- All is well
All is well Who is it?
Go
You sent hate-mail to Dad, here's pee-mail for you
Enjoy the pee-mail, happy reading!
Who is it?
- Your future son-in-law
And the wedding party
Rastogi !
Security, that way
So you all have already learned about the simple pendulum
Now let's get down to the advanced study about compound pendulum
It's an irregular object oscillating about its own axis Let me demonstrate to you
What's this?
- Pencil What's inside?
- Lead Good.
Lead is the axis to this pencil
Even you can be a compound pendulum, if you oscillate about...
Where is Raju Rastogi?
- Present, sir
Hi..
Everybody is here
Good morning, sir
Where were you last night?
Studying all night, sir
- Studying?
Really?
Hasn't slept two nights, that's why he looks scruffy
Not slept?
What did you study?
Induction motor, sir.
Whole chapter?
In that case, Mr. Ra ju Rastogi...
Can you tell us how an induction motor starts?
Stop it
Sir, rum
Mr. Rastogi
Let's have a cup of tea in my office
Sir?
Close the door
Can you type?
Yes, sir Will you type a letter for me?
Definitely, sir
Come, sit Sir, I'm sorry sir...
Please type
Dear Sir...
It is my painful duty to inform you... that your son is rusticated...
No, sorry, delete that.. Go back
Your son, Mr. Raju Rastogi... is rusticated from the Imperial College of Engineering
Come on, type
It'll kill my dad, sir Please type
- Sir, please sir
My decision is final and irrevocable
He lives just to see me become an engineer
Should've thought of that before peeing on my door
Sir, give me one chance... please
Ok, remove your name from the letter... and put in Rancho's
I know he was with you last night
Be my witness and I'll spare you
You have 7 ½ minutes to think
We won't let go of you
We're not done yet... no way
The heavens may beckon you
But we'll take up arms against God
And it's not a fight we intend to lose
You may try your best to escape
Try with all your might
But there is no way we are letting go of you
We won't let go of you
We're not done yet... no way
Rancho, watch that monitor
Raju
His body is paralyzed with shock, but his mind is alert
He can see and hear us.
Please don't cry in front of him Speak to him normally, motivate him, joke around Good news, Raju..
Your dad's recovered The new medicine worked Is this your family tradition -
As one male gets up, the other conks out?
Raju, Farhan is live on webcam. From the hostel Look, Virus has canceled your suspension order
Problem solved... Wake up now
Everything's resolved !
Rise and shine, buddy
In this journey of few strides
On the path called life
Don't quit...
Just celebrate the ride
Listen please to those who love you
Every dark night is followed by sunrise
Don't shut out those who love you
We won't let go of you
We're not done yet... no way
We won't let go of you
We're not done yet... no way
Look, mom bought a new saree
Hey Raju !
C'mon tell me... How do I look?
Remember the letters mom would write...
Always blessed you with eternal life
Don't die on her...... you can 't die
Look at us now, don't turn away
Smile once to show you care
Wake up, don't torment us anymore Did you hear about your sis?
She's getting married Without any dowry The bridegroom wants nothing at all
You know who the bridegroom is? - Yeah Guess !
You know him very well
- Yes He loves animals
- Huh......?
He's going to be a wildlife photographer Quiet...
Shhhh...
For free ! Free!
Free !
Raju One kilo okra, 500 grams cheese for 'free' would've woken him Why sacrifice me... !
Well done, buddy So it's all fixed - Farhan will marry your sister Rancho
Rascals... Stop fibbing Lucky escape !
We won't let go of you
We're not done yet... no way
We won't let go of you
We're not done yet... no way
We won 't let go of you
'Okra Rs.12 / kilo'
You called for a taxi?
I did - It's waiting
Thank you..
Why?
I'm going to the job interview You coming with me?
No.
I'm going for the interview.
You're going home
Why would I go home?
Remember, we promised this rascal
Give me your tie
Why?
I doubt you'll go for the interview after reading this
What's that?
A letter - For you, from Hungary
Some photographer called Andre Istvan
You posted my letter !
He loved your pictures
The guy wants you to assist him... in the Brazilian rain forest, for a year
Will pay you, too
Dad will never agree
Go speak to him...
from your heart
For once, dump your fears... or someday, on your deathbed, you'll regret it
You'll remember that the letter was in your hand, taxi at the gate......
With just a little courage, you could've turned your life around
Do you think he'll like it?
Why such an expensive gift?
Our son's getting his first job today
Don't be stingy at such a proud moment
Farhan?
Don't you have the job interview today?
I didn't go
I don't want to be an engineer, Dad
What happened?
You had an accident?
See that building?
I jumped from its third floor
Why?
Because I was rusticated from college
Why?
Drunk, I urinated on the Director's door
That scoundrel Rancho is messing with your mind !
I don't enjoy Engineering.
I'd make a terrible engineer
Rancho has a simple belief - Make your passion your profession Then work will become play
What'll you earn in that jungle?
A small stipend, but I'll learn a lot
Five years from now... when you see your friends buying cars and homes, you'll curse yourself
Life as an engineer will bring only frustration.
Then I'll curse you
I'd rather curse myself, Dad
The world will laugh !
Label you a loser, for quitting in the final year
Mr. Kapoor feels you're fortunate to be at ICE. What'll he think?
Mr. Kapoor didn't provide me with an air-conditioner
It wasn't Mr. Kapoor who slept in discomfort while I slept well
He didn't take me around the zoo on his shoulders
You did all that, Dad
How you feel, matters to me.
Mr. Kapoor makes no difference
I don't even know his first name
You think you're the hero of a melodrama?
Enough, please... he's upset
God forbid, if he did something crazy like Raju...
Then the discussion is over
Don't say a word or His Lordship will jump off the roof
No, Dad.
I'll never attempt suicide.
The Rancho you detest put this picture in my wallet
Told me to see it if a suicidal thought crossed my mind and imagine what'd happen to your smiles when you see my dead body
I want to convince you, Dad but not with a suicide threat
Dad, what'll happen if I become a photographer?
I'll earn less
I'll have a smaller house, a smaller car
But I'll be happy
I will be really happy
Whatever I do for you will be out of genuine love
I've always listened to you
For once, let me listen to my heart
Please... Dad
Dad......
Please don't go away...
Return this
Son, what's the cost of a professional camera?
Can the laptop be exchanged for it?
If you need more money, just ask
Go live your life, my son
Your grades are consistently poor.. Reason?
Fear
I was a good student since childhood
Parents hoped I'd end their poverty That scared me
Here I saw the mad race.
You don't count if you're not first
My fear grew
Fear is not good for grades, sir
I slipped on more charms and rings
Prayed to God for favors.
No... begged for favors
1 6 broken bones gave me two months to think and reflect Finally, sense dawned
Today I didn't beg God for this job, just thanked him for this life
If you reject me, no regrets
I'll still do something worthwhile with my life
Such frank behavior is not good for our firm
We need someone diplomatic to handle clients
You're too straightforward
But... if you assure us you'll control this attitude we may consider you
It took two broken legs to get me up on my feet
Wasn't easy to get this attitude Can't change it, sir
You keep your job......
I'm sorry, no offense, sir Wait
I've interviewed countless candidates for 25 years
Everyone turns into a yes-man to get the job
Where did you spring from, son?
Sir?
Shall we discuss the salary?
Thank you, sir
Your Majesty, thou art great
Accept this humble offering
Govind !
You had said, 'If he gets a job, shave it off'
What have you done?
I feel naked without my moustache
I've lost my dignity
I won't accept defeat, Rastogi
The job isn't yours until you pass your final exam
And this time, I will set the question paper
Dad, that's not fair
Everything is fair in Love and War
And this is World War...... III
Rastogi, you're dead meat!
Hey
What're you doing here?
Be careful You've been drinking - Yup, had to down a couple
A couple too many!
Needed the guts - For what?
For stealing this - What's this?
The duplicate key to Virus's office
The question paper's in a cover with a red seal
Dad has set it, to fail Raju
Go get it!
Are you mad or what - that's cheating!
Everything's fair in Love and War
Tell me something......
Do you really feel...... the noses collide while kissing?
Wait..
Have some dhokla
You Gujaratis are so cute
But why does your food sound so dangerous?
Dhokla, Fafda, Handwa, Thepla, Khakhra
Sound like missiles
C'mon
'Today Bush dropped two Dhoklas on Iraq' '400 dead, 200 injured'
Oh...
I can deal with Khakhra, Fafda..
But your name...
'Ranchhoddas Shamaldas Chanchad' - Yuck
I won't change my last name after marriage Pia, we can't get married
Why?
No
Are you gay?
- No
Then why don't you propose to me?
Are you impotent?
- No
Then prove it Pia, no
Stop, stop!
What happened?
- We didn't inform Pia
Stop here, my bladders are bursting
Shut up ! - Are you in touch with her?
No.....
I have her home number Then call her, I'll stop
Hello
No place for urine-expulsion in this country
Hello, is Pia there?
- No, she's not
Is she at the hospital?
Why would she be there?
She's getting married today - in Manali
Too late ! She's married
Not yet.
It's a six hour drive
If we rush, we'll reach before the vows What do you say?
It's a no-brainer.
Let's turn back
No turning back
Straight to Ladakh.
We'll meet Rancho and return
I have a Friday meeting with Phunsukh Wangdu
Get into the car
If I miss my meeting, the Japanese will get him
They're offering him a first name in the company 'Phunsukh and Fujiyashi', profit sharing......
Pia weds Suhas! - Thanks for the suit
Virus will have a heart attack
At every daughter's wedding, we're there to rock the party
Listen, I'll update Pia, you peel off the price tag
Farhan
- We found Rancho
For Room 1 07?
- Yes, sir
You've taken ages
- Sorry, sir Off, now
Housekeeping, sir
Amore......
Quick, iron my coat Amore......
Amore...
We found Rancho !
Now you can't marry this ass
You're mad, Farhan
Don't fool yourself, Pia.
Amore...
He's incorrigible.
He doesn't speak of brands and prices anymore
My 150,000/ - coat
Why do you people eat sauce?
I'll sort it out, sir
- How?
Our laundry specializes in cleaning mint-stained suits I'll clean it in a jiffy Get it soon
But it's too late now, Farhan - Pia Let's go, Pia, we're late
Pia, it's me...... Raju. Don't yell, they'll kill me
Where is Suhas?
Housekeeping took my coat Go... Send Suhas here
Grab her hand and run. Don't move
Sir..... - My coat? You're here.....
So who's at the altar?
- Altar?
Another couple of rounds, and we'll be considered married I'm already married, Pia..
It's too late.
People will laugh at me So you'll commit suicide?
Rastogi !
People will gossip briefly, then forget
But you.... you'll regret on your deathbed that the car was at the gate, Rancho within reach... but in fear of people, you married this ass Housekeeping?
Pia, minor problem What?
We don't know if Rancho's married What!
He won't be married
- And if he is?
Then we'll drop you back Relax!
Handmade biscuit?
What's he doing here? Ignore him
- The biscuit's very good
Till yesterday, I was a law-abiding citizen But in the last 24 hours, I'd grounded an aircraft almost assigned Shamaldas's ashes to the sewers, and made a bride elope from her own wedding!
All for Rancho But he too would do anything for friends Like stealing the question paper...
Envelope with the red seal
He feared that if Raju failed, there'd be another high jump
We were principled thieves, stealing the paper only for Raju
We'd sworn we won't even take a peek
Where's it hidden.....
Pia, your phone Mr. Papa-To-Be ! If you say 'All is well', he kicks
Found it! Rancho
Hello?
Quick, photocopy this
Where was it? Put it back
We're safe !
- Where were you?
Here
- What's this?
A gift Question paper.
First teach you to be upright, then offer a path to shame
No way
If I pass, it'll be on my own steam If I don't, it's still ok He'd won us over!
I felt like embracing him as family... but then I controlled my emotions Damn thief
- Sir, please, sir Rascal
- Sorry sir Wanted to change the system You'll pee on my door
- Sir, what're you doing Sorry sir You are rusticated !
If all of you aren't out by morning, I'll call the police I will call the police!
Rascals !
Rascals, all of you How did he get my office key?
I gave him the key, Dad I wish I'd given this key to my brother... He'd be alive today
Shut up, Pia
You decided he'd be an engineer
Did you ever ask him what he wanted to be?
You put such pressure on him... that he chose death over the entrance exam
I don't understand...
Dad, you go to your room
Pia, don't do this
He wanted to study Literature, be a writer
But all he wrote was this suicide note
Put that away, please No more cover-ups !
Just once...... if you'd said
- Don't do Engineering if you don't want to just do what your heart is in then he'd be alive today
He didn't commit suicide
You're right, Dad
It wasn't suicide...
It was murder
Many city roads are completely submerged
Traffic has come to a standstill
Dad......
Mona?
Go back, Millimeter.
Why're you following us?
Why?
Your pop owns the road?
Please help, we are desperate here !
You can't send an ambulance?
Get it from another hospital
The entire city's flooded, sir..
We're helpless
Mona, you ok?
Rancho, Pia
Rancho, you can't reach here.
The water bag has burst Disconnected !
Mona
Mona !
Turn on the lights - Where to?
To the table tennis table
- Pia, we're in the common room
Raju, turn on the web camera
Where's Mona?
Hold on
Here, Pia
Mona, don't worry.
I'm with you Pia, I'm dying!
Rancho, even when there were no hospitals or docs babies were delivered
You all will deliver this baby
All is well
How dare you?
I'll kill you
Dad, stay out of this
Farhan, get towels and scissors
Millimeter, get clothes clips and hot water
Rancho, cover Mona
Mona, try pushing
Push with all your might
Stop it!
Rancho, check if there's crowning
Crowning...?
Get that diagram
See if the head is coming out
Check quickly
Go !
Go, Rancho, go
No crowning
Mona, please push
Mona !
She's tired, Pia
Wake her!
If she won't push, it's a big problem
They need a vacuum cup
- Where will they get one?
What's a vacuum cup?
How is it used?
I'll show you
If the mother's too fatigued to push, a cup is placed on baby's head
Suction makes the cup stick to the head... and the baby is pulled out
I can make this
- How?
With a vacuum cleaner
- Vacuum cleaner?
Yes
That pressure's too high
I'll control it
- D'you have a vacuum cleaner?
Yes, in my office
Farhan, rush and get it
- Here's the key
Mona, push
Oh my God
What happened?
Raju, what happened?
- The power's gone
How'll the vacuum work now?
Farhan, you get the vacuum, I'll get the power.
How?
Millimeter, get Virus out
What nonsense is this !
Not this Virus..
My Virus, the inverter
Get that, quick
- Ok
Raju, wake up the hostel
Get car batteries, wires, and a vacuum gauge
Emergency in the common room !
Where's Rancho?
Keep the batteries here ... and the wires
Raju, switch off everything, connect the inverter to the mains
Rancho, vacuum cleaner
Farhan, get your lens cleaner
Blower?
- Yeah, get it
Rancho, blower Good.
Fix this to the gauge
Rancho, I'm done
All switches off?
- Yes
Hit the table and computer switches
Raju, turn on the computer Farhan, here
Pia, come here quick
Love you, Rancho
Farhan, turn it on
- Ok Pia, how much suction?
Not more than 0.5
Farhan, 0.5
- Cover it 0.5
Vacuum cleaner baby!
Mother of all deliveries
Farhan, stop
Ok
Raju, get on the table
Push the baby down, like this Ok
Farhan, turn it on
C'mon, you can do it
C'mon, push
Do it for Champ
C'mon, Mona
He's coming out!
You can do it
Yes Mona, push
Farhan, turn it off Ok, off
Two clips, cut the umbilical cord
Farhan, two clips on the cord
Get scissors
- Be careful
Cut at the center, get a towel
Pia, he's not crying
Hey Champ !
Rancho, rub his back
Hey Champ
- Come on, Champ
No, nothing
Blow air into his mouth
C'mon, Champ
No response
Hush Mona, say - All is well
He kicked
What?
He kicked
Say
- All is well
All is well
If Virus had said, 'My grandson will be an engineer'
I would've broken his jaw
But when he finally spoke, he stunned us
What a kick!
Wanna be a footballer?
Be what you want to be
Wait
- I've not finished with you !
First day of college, you'd asked me a question...
Why didn't astronauts use a pencil in space?
If a pencil tip breaks it'd float in zero gravity.
Get into eyes, nose, instruments...
You were wrong
You cannot be right all the time
You understand?
Yes, sir
This was an important invention
You understand?
Yes, sir
My Director said, 'When you find an extraordinary student.....'
Go, study!
Pass your exams and leave
And now, Student of the Year...
Ranchhoddas Shamaldas Chanchad
Sir, one photo
I wanted to capture all these memories and take them home
That day, we hugged, we rejoiced, we cried...
We vowed that we'd meet at least once a year...
Who knew then, we were seeing Rancho for the last time
Untie him
I'll sue you all in an American court
Raju
Only Rancho can create a school like this
But where is he?
Don't pee here
Go away creatures
Don't pee here
- I'll smack you
Bingo!
He cannot be far
Excuse me, where is Ranchhoddas?
He's not Ranchhoddas !
- Rancho...
Chhote......
Dammit, what's his name?
Calm down.
Come with me
Where's he? - Rancho
Farhan, he's read all your books
Raju, he reads your blog everyday.
Proudly shares it with the kids
Remember your helmet, Pia?
It was stolen...
Who are you?
How do you know us?
Didn't you recognize me?
- No
How would you?
Millimeter is now Centimeter
Not Centimeter, you're Kilometer
How did you get here?
I got a letter with a train ticket inside
It said - 'Miss being in school?
Catch this train'...... I did
That rascal Rancho!
Where is that idiot?
Dorje, you fly it
Every night you ride into my dreams on a scooter, dressed as a bride
Instead of a veil, you lift your helmet and come close to kiss me
Couldn't you tell me before leaving? No
Sorry
Did you marry?
What?
You?
- Almost.....
So what?
Do you love someone?
Yes
Who?
You
See, the noses don't collide, stupid
Rancho
Hi...... Farhan !
Screw your 'Hi'
Hey, listen to me......
- No, you listen to me
I can explain everything
Hi...... Raju !
How we hunted for you !
Didn't have a coin for one phone call?
Add a couple from me too
Rascal, scoundrel
- Let him go now
Ok ok, enough
On your feet, c'mon
Having fun, idiots?
Hey...
Hi Chatur
Ranchhoddas Chanchad..
How do you do, Mr.. Teacher?
Wow, you're a teacher in a village - A for Apple, B for Ball...
Our trains left together.
But yours traveled in reverse... from engineer to primary teacher
What's your salary, Chanchad? 5000 /-?
For me that's $ 100
My son's pocket money is more than your salary
Cut the crap
- Crap is what he gave us
Wanted to change the education system, change the world
Finally what does he change?
Kids' diapers
You gonna break his jaw or should I?
Just relax
Remember I'd said one day you'd cry and I'd laugh?
Sign here..
Accept
- You lost, I won !
'Declaration of Defeat' !
Unbelievable, man Chatur - Crazy guy
Hey, this is Virus's pen !
You pinched it?
Forget it, man
This is for winners, not losers
If your school ever needs help, call my assistant for a donation
A for Apple, B for Ball...
He hasn't changed at all!
- Ignore him
He's full of crap
Good news is your name isn't Ranchhoddas Chanchad
Imagine, after marriage, I'm Pia Chanchad
By the way, what is your real name?
Phunsukh Wangdu Wangdu?
Pia Wangdu !
You mean you're a scientist?
You have 400 patents?
I won't change my name after marriage
You mean you're Chatur's Wangdu?
It's you the Japanese are wooing?
I don't like Wangdu Are you a scientist or a teacher?
Scientist, but I also teach children
So you are THE Phunsukh Wangdu?
Yes, yes !
Hey Silencer
- Hey Chatur, come back
Take that
Wait, I'll stop him
Mr. Wangdu, I can't believe it's you
I'm sorry, Mr..
Chatur I can't sign the deal with your company
What sir?
Why sir?
How do I sign, man?
You took my pen
What pen, sir?
I didn't get you......
The one in your hand - Virus's pen
Mr. Wangdu...?
Yes, Chatur?
A for Apple, B for Ball is... .
You got me, Rancho - I mean, Mr.. Wangdu
Totally floored me.
Good one
I hope our personal problems won't affect this deal
Hey Chatur - take that
I was just joking, man
Deep down, I knew you'd do great things
You're fibbing
No, really, I swear
Rancho - 100, Chatur - 0
You win, I lose.
You don't believe me?
Beware of farts
Your Majesty, thou art great.
Accept this humble offering
Free advice, Mr.. Wangdu - Run for your life !
Rancho, I'll lose my job, man.
I have small kids...
His Holiness Guru Ranchhoddas had correctly stated
- Follow Excellence...
Success will chase you, pants down -=DDR=-
Good Morning.
I have sleep apnea.
That's the only reason I had that mask on.
I look completely ridiculous.
It's like an overweight Bear thing.
it's a nightmare at airports trying to check it.
Oh my god!
you are fucking gorgeous!
Thank you.
You are too!
So, was last night incredible or what?
Oh yeah, it was amazing, it was
Excuse me.
What was your name again?
You know Wood, sometimes you meet somebody and you just know.
It happened to me to last night.
His name is Todd and he's a bartender at the Eagle.
I can't believe we've never met him before.
Did you get his number?
No.
Which is why we've got to be a good back to the Eagle tonight for Meat Rack.
Guys!
There's a guy in my bed.
and I think we had sex!
I don't remember.
Ooh, is it that creepy performance artist guy with the horrible combover and that orange tan?
You two would be totally perfect together.
True.
Actually, Reggie
The guy is amazingly hot!
He's unbelievable!
God, I'm so hung over.
I've got dry mouth.
Here, have some juice.
Thanks.
That's a Screwdriver!
Yah, and?
And, it's 8 in the morning drunky!
Anyway, his names Todd and he's a bartender at the Eagle.
Imagine that.
2 guys named Todd, who are both bartenders at the Eagle.
No way!
No way that you, this, had sex with Hot Toddy from the Eagle.
I don't even remember meeting him.
I don't know, last night, it's kind of a blur.
I know I had a lot to drink.
but I remember I was in a really good mood and was just happy that everyone showed up to my party.
To Hell with all of you people!
Ya, all of you!
This party sucks!
Hey Guys!
Hey you.
Good morning.
(coughing)
You alright buddie?
No, no, no!
This is not happening!
I think I'm gonna be sick.
Feel better.
You want some breakfast?
No.
Unless I get to eat you up.
There is some guy passed out in our bathtub!
What does he look like?
At least 9 inches!
Real inches or internet inches though?
Oh, hello.
Hey buddy!
parties over.
(gasps)
Wait a minute.
Oh my god.
That's my roommate.
I think he's dead!
I can't believe it.
He's really dead.
Come here.
Where are you going?
To call 911.
Are you insane!
if word gets out that we have a dead guy in this house no ones ever going to come over and have sex with us ever again
Not from Scruff, from Growlr or craigslist.
Craigslist really?
You still use that?
That's your big worry right now?
We've got a dead guy in our bathtub and your worried about getting laid on gay hook up sites?
My friend Chip bought Sharon Tate's house in 1972 hasn't been laid since!
What kind of person dies at somebody's birthday party?
I mean, that's really kind of rude, right?
This is surreal.
I can't believe he's actually dead in there.
Come here baby. I am so, so sorry.
Would you please stop doing that!
So his name was Jacob?
No, it was Jim.
But you called him Jacob.
What?
No, not Jacob like the name
J Cub like J Lo
So he was gay!
Way to crack the case Sherlock Homo!
Well, did he come with you?
I didn't even know he was here.
I don't remember him at all.
You just can't get over the fact that I ended up with the looks and the talent and the non-contractual recurring role on Joey Melissa.
Excuse me, but I'm a huge fan!
You know me from TV?
No, I just think you are really hot!
That's cool.
Who the hell was that guy!
If he was here, I sure didn't see him.
What about you Reggie?
So I figured if it works for Jennifer Hudson why wouldn't the program work for me.
It's amazing.
Today I had coconut curry soup for lunch because I saved up so many points from yesterday.
You know, I've been standing here the last 20 minutes listening to you not understanding one word you're saying because you are just so damn cute.
Ooh, but so is he and I bet he talks normal.
Well I certainly don't remember him.
Can I make out with you?
There's this really creepy guy that's been following me around all night and I want him to think I have a boyfriend and there he is...is it cool?
Nope, never saw him.
I'm calling the Police!
The longer we wait the more suspicious it looks.
Alright, this is really starting to freak me out
I don't think I can handle this any more.
Come here.
I'll talk to you later.
I got to get out of here.
I have stuff I need to do today.You guys can handle it from here.
But, but, but
I should probably get going anyway and let you guys clean this whole fucking mess up.
Nelson, you have a hot ass by the way.
I'll talk to you later.
Pumpkin, they might want to question you!
Call me!
God he's Hot!
Hot! Hot!
It's decided he's hot right? He's Hot!
Well, that's kind of weird.
Why wouldn't he want to talk to the Police?
Because he's very busy!
He's a bartender at the Eagle.
He's got huge responsibilities!
He has to slice limes and order beer and stuff!
This cannot be happening.
We have a dead body in our bathtub.
A police forensic team combing our house for evidence.
And I finally meet a quality guy and he leaves before I can get his number.
Can this day get any worse?
!
I'm Detective Chad Winters.
I'd like to ask you a few questions.
Things aren't that bad.
Look on the bright side.
We have a hot detective.
Looks like he died of natural causes.
Maybe a heart attack.
Heart attack.
But he was so young!
I mean, he and I were practically the same age.
Didn't we celebrate your 40th Birthday for the 5th time last...
Shut up Wood!
So you guys found him this morning?
Well, Reggie did.
It was hard to miss him.
He had, you know, "morning wood".
Good Morning.
He's not talking to you Doofus!
So that was when you three called Police.
Was there anyone else in the house when you discovered the body?
Just my boyfriend.
Oh, Nelson, boyfriend already?
What's your boyfriends name?
Hot Toddy...
Todd.
What's his last name?
Um, I don't know.
Do you have a number where he can be reached?
No, I don't have a number where he can be reached.
Ok, so maybe "boyfriend" is a bit premature.
What is this an interrogation?
!
I'm just doing my job.
I'm going to go check with forensics and see what they've come up with.
I'll be right back.
Excuse me, Detective Winters?
I was wondering. don't know what your schedule is, but
I know this very intimate dark bar.
Bar?
Why go to a bar, when I can fuck you right here?
No.
It's just that sometimes when I've have a cocktail or two
I tend to remember more, and I might think of something.
No.
Well if you're not...
No!
He's obviously straight!
Wait a minute.
I knew it, he wants me!
How can I help you Detective?
Weren't you a Colt Model?
I was uh... back in the 90's.
Wood Burns.
That's actually a stage name.
Burns is a stage name.
Wood was short for Woodrow, which is my real name.
But then I thought, you know what?
Wood, actually does burn.
And I thought
You know, I want to try and make some kind of statement with my name.
And be like this cool guy... but I never really figured out what that statement was...
Wood, was your neighborhood sprayed with a lot of the DDT when your were a child?
I don't know.
I was such a huge fan of yours.
I had your poster on my wall in college.
You were so hot back then!
Still are in my opinion.
Can I get my picture taken with you?
That would be awesome!
Reggie, take the picture!
Ya, Reggie, take their picture.
Be sure and focus.
Say "cheese".
Thanks man.
Ya, no problem.
And by the way, if this does turn out to be a homicide, you're all suspects.
Thanks.
Awesome!
I think he likes me.
Wow!
3 guys hit me up on "Growlr"
no face pics though, just "Dick shots"
How are you suppose to tell who they are?
"Dick shots?"
OK the black guy, that's Craig.
He works out at the same gym as us.
he's that guy whose always on the elliptical staring at people.
Oh!
OK, the uncut one is Habib, at the 7-11.
Your cruising guys at the 7-11?
OK, the third, the curved one
Oooh, that's Owen, total freak, stay away from him!
Wow!
You are like the "Dick Whisperer"
I'm here to help.
I can't believe this happening!
What's wrong Nelson?
Did your hot muscle bear cub break up with you already?
Wow!
I thought it would last at least til Friday!
Nelson, you know I love you, but you really need to focus on Chasers looking for Sugar Daddies!
Ya, you love sugar!
No kidding.
One more snickers bar and he's be popping Januvia with Paula Dean!
(laughing)
Are you finished?
!
That was Detective Winters!
J Cub's death has been reclassified a homicide!
What!
How?
He didn't give me any details!
But that means the 3 of us are suspects!
We've got to figure out what happened before we are all end up in prison getting raped!
(laughter)
Oh, honey, I don't think you have much to worry about.
But you know what?
You and me, we would totally have to watch our backs!
Oh my god, us!
We would totally get raped!
Right?
Yes!
You don't have to worry.
What are we doing?
The cops combed this place.
If there was a clue laying around, they would have found it.
Oh, look what I found!
How did Detective Winters miss that?
When you're that hot, you don't have to be too good at anything.
Do you think this was J Cub's drink?
Maybe.
Do you think maybe he was poisoned?
There were no signs of trauma or bruising.
It kind of makes sense.
Oh my god!
We should turn this over to the Police.
No we shouldn't.
What, and in incriminate us?
No, we need to figure out another way that J Cub could have been poisoned.
But Detective Winters isn't talking.
I mean, who are we gonna call?
How about the LA County Coroner who did the autopsy.
Sure, Wood.
I've got her on speed dial along with the Governor.
Oh, you know her too?
You don't know her.
Oh, ya, ya ya!
I went to high school with her.
She was my beard at prom.
We double dated with her best friend and the tight end from the football team.
a tight end?
Not after we dropped the girls off.
Oh my god!
That's Him!
That's Detective Winters.
He's here to arrest us!
I've got the glass!
I've got the evidence!
What do we do?
Hide it!
Hide the glass!
Ooh, I get handcuffed first!
I can't go to prison.
I can't!
The food is god awful!
Oh, thank God!
Todd.
Hey guys it's cool. It's my boyfriend Todd.
Right, like it's really his boyfriend Todd.
Wow.
Hey, what are you doing here?
Well, I texted you earlier.
and left a voicemail.
But now that i'm standing here on your doorstep. I kind of feel like a stalker.
Come on in.
Move it Lurch!
Make way for my lover.
So, did the Police contact you?
Yeah but you know, I've just been really busy lately.
Totally reasonable explanation.
No need to ever talk about it again.
Hey, are you available for dinner tonight?
Yes
Oh, wait a minute.
No, actually I'm not.
Well, I teach this seminar.
It's for children who audition for Disney channel shows.
Not Nickelodeon though.
Because, Miranda Cosgrove took out a restraining order against me.
It's this really long embarrassing story.
Anyway
But it's all about me sharing the gift.
Sweet.
What about tomorrow night then?
Absolutely!
Great!
God you taste good.
You too.
Oh right.
Well...
Then I guess I will see you tomorrow night.
Guys.
And remember, don't leave me hanging.
I know where you live.
Too busy to talk to the cops, but free to take Nelson to dinner?
Are we being punked?
!
I've got pre-cum.
Oh, my god.
You haven't changed a bit.
Still tall.
Still friggin' sexy!
I totally want to blow you!
Just so you know, I'm gay now.
You were gay then.
I saw the look on that tight ends face the day after Prom.
Come in.
I was so excited to get your call.
I haven't seen you since graduation.
Weren't you Valedictorian?
I always loved you for your mind.
No.
I barely graduated.
Yah, but you always thought with your penis. which makes you smart in my book.
Ya, speaking of smart.
Wow, you're really doing well for yourself.
Ya, I guess all those years playing doctor with the neighborhood boys, finally paid off.
County Coroner.
So cool.
I'm making you a double Martini.
Are you trying to get me drunk?
I remember you weren't always so gay when you were drunk.
Ya, ya, ya. I'll have a drink.
I'll have a drink. Go make me a drink.
Make yourself comfortable sexy.
I'll be right back.
Feel free to ditch the pants.
Kidding.
Dirty or clean?
Uh huh.
Jesus christ!
You scared the...
Hello.
What's going on in there?
I see you met Potter.
He's my lab assistant.
We're working from home today.
Hi.
Hi.
I like to call him Hairy Potter.
You should see all that fur underneath that shirt.
Go ahead Potter.
Show him.
Really Susie?
Show him your fur.
Don't you just want to be Little Red Riding Hood skipping to Grandmother's house through that forrest?
But, you're not here to see him.
You're here to see me, right stud?
Have a seat with me on the couch.
Here are the stomach contents from the hooker.
Not now.
Go work someplace else!
So, what excuse are you going to use to see if I'm still as hot as I was in high school?
So,
I heard you did the autopsy on a friend of mine who died recently.
That party bear?
You knew him?
What a pity.
He was a cutie. whoa, whoa..
So, I was wondering if you knew how he died?
Come on, Wood!
Is that really why you're here?
Yeah.
Fuck.
I was hoping you had a head injury and thought you were straight.
Sort of a reversal of that straight English rugby player that had a freak gym accident and went into a coma.
And when he woke up, he thought he was a completely gay hairdresser.
Wood, I have been dying to suck that dick of yours for years.
It's the only thing I could think about since your call.
If, I let you suck it, will you tell me what I want to know?
Hell ya!
Ok!
Ok.
But you are probably going to need some help getting hard, right?
A little.
Potter, get in here!
Good idea.
Take your shirt off.
Strip for him!
Look, I told you before, I'm not a stripper.
I have a PHD.
Just do it!
Faster!
I need music.
I can't do this without music.
For fuck sake!
Yes, I like that.
Alright
I like where you are going with that.
Ya, ya, ok, that's working.
I'm feeling Wood.
Ya, pants.
There we go!
Good job Potter.
Ya, dance for me.
Nice ass!
Do the "Cabbage patch".
Do the "Sprinkler" for me.
Do the "Swim".
You're a fish now.
You're a sexy fish.
You're my sexy little bitch fish.
That's what you are.
Ya, that'll...woo...
Do the Kylie Minogue.
Don't talk.
Don't ruin it.
Yes, yes!
And were off!
Thank you!
So what happened to the guy?
She found traces of an odorless, fast-acting poison in J Cub's system.
Someone definitely had it out for him.
Wow, I've never been a "person of interest" in a murder investigation before.
Well, just for the record Wood, it's not a good thing.
Oh, come on, it's pretty cool.
I haven't felt this important since I was
Mr. December, in the 1997 Colt Calendar, remember?
They had me completely naked, but i had that Santa hat on.
They had me on all fours with my ass in the air in that sling.
And those elves came up...
Do you mind, we're eating here!
Excuse me for wanting to relive my glory days.
Look, the guy was murdered at our house so we have to clear our names.
Somebody had to have poisoned either the food or the drinks at the party.
OK now, think
Who was around the food all night?
You were.
Who was around the bar drinking all night?
You were.
Okay.
What about the caterer?
You guys should go talk to her.
Us!
Why us?
You're the one who hired her.
I can't.
I have an audition later.
(laughter)
For what?
It's a very high profile audition for the Disney Channel.
It's a show called Super Hoops.
It's about a junior high school basketball team that all realizing they have super powers.
And I play the unsuspecting gym teacher.
Gym teacher?
Nelson, why don't you audition for roles that you can actually book?
But you know what, I heard they are making a new bio-pic on John Wayne Gacy.
Oh my god, he would be perfect for that.
I know, he dressed up as a clown and worked kids parties too!
And he's the same weight...
Oh, come on!
John Wayne Gacy!
Really?
!
Hey, you don't know who's casting that do you?
No.
All right, look.
I'm gonna go on this audition, alright.
And I'm gonna book it too.
And you, your unemployed.
And you are supposedly a travel writer.
Even though I've never seen any article.
Have you?
You set your own schedule.
So you guys have plenty of time to go talk to the caterer.
I can't I have a job interview today.
But, you know what, I could blow it off.
I just probably won't have this month's rent.
Forget it!
You owe me last month's rent too.
Plus that extra fee for paying after the 5th.
Whatever.
What about you?
I can't. I have a date.
With who?
Him.
You don't even know him.
I know, but he just sent me a message on Growlr.
And, he's got my entire checklist.
BDSM, Kink, Raunch, Leather, Jock Straps, Cock Ring, Tit - Clamps, both Dom and Submissive.
That's your checklist!
Who are you, the Marquis de Sade?
What is some of that stuff?
I don't even know what some of that stuff is!
Is it even legal? !
Look, ok fine. I'll go talk to the caterer alright.
But you know what?
You don't see me dropping everything for some guy.
(phone rings)
Oh my God!
It's him!
Give it Wood!
Hello.
Oh, hey Babe.
No I'm just sitting here thinking about you.
Well yah.
Apparently somebody poisoned him at our party.
Yah, Wood found a martini glass that was near the dead body.
And we think it might have been his cocktail.
I know.
Alright, text me later.
Bye.
So?
Did he go by the police station to give an interview?
No.
He had a good excuse.
He worked a double shift and he was exhausted.
Ok fine.
I know what you guys are thinking.
You're thinking. What's he hiding?
And what is a hot guy like him with a guy like me. Right?
We didn't say that.
Why is it so hard to believe?
That a hot stud like Todd would wanna be with somebody like me?
Come on.
That guy wants to be with you Reggie.
And you're average looking too.
Average!
Really? !
Well, would an average guy can get a hit from someone less than 250 feet away.
Yah! That's right.
I can go around the corner and top that hot Armenian guy at the flower mart, or I could bottom for this guy over here.
Which you know what, I think that's what I'm gonna do right now.
Because I am definitely NOT AVERAGE!
And...action.
When having friends over for lunch, show them that you really care, by incorporating some fresh flowers in your table scape.
I like to use something unconventional for a vase.
Like this old blender.
Isn't that unique?
And what a great conversation starter.
Think of what everyone will be saying about blenders and vases.
Voila!
Up next,
A few helpful hints on one of my favorite topics
Braising.
I'm Honey Garret and you're watching "A Little Bit of Honey".
And we're out!
Excuse me. Ms. Garret.
Who are you?
I'm Nelson Dorkoff.
I hired you to cater my birthday party the other night.
Oh, right.
Well, I'm surprise you remember.
I haven't seen the guest of honor swill that much booze since I catered Liza Minelli's wedding to that gay troll.
I'm sorry to interrupt.
What are you doing, by the way?
Oh, we're doing a demo for the Food Network.
Oh my God.
Do you need a charismatic sidekick with tons of acting experience?
I carry these with me everywhere.
I see that you do.
But sorry, its a cooking show, not "The Biggest Loser".
Listen, Honey...
Don't get that familiar with me.
I don't know you.
I was just calling you by your name.
Oh, right.
Before you go back to taping,
I just wanted to ask you a few questions about night of the party.
Your food was delicious by the way.
Oh, what a doll!
Now, I don't need a sidekick.
But I would like people to stop by Honey's Kitchen.
Phil, roll...
Phil, get off the phone!
And role the camera!
Center yourself Honey.
And...action!
I'm back, and just like the Barefoot Contessa,
I like to have my gay queenie friends stop by the show as well.
And today I have Nelson.
And Nelson, I recently catered your 50th Birthday party.
40th Birthday.
If any casting directors are watching.
However, my age range is 30 to 50.
Apparently, my shrimp puffs were a huge hit.
Actually they were very few leftovers of anything, right?
I thought I went overboard preparing you know food for 100, but then these 20 very large men came by the party and really cleaned me out.
Now, Nelson, do you have any questions about my food?
Actually I do.
Where you around the food the entire night?
Oh, well course I was. I prepared it.
Well, did you notice anybody suspicious around the food?
Could they have put something in it?
Gee, Nelson, I don't know what you are getting at.
I use only the freshest ingredients.
Listen, Honey.
I'm not friend, don't call me that.
I'm just calling her by name.
Miss Garrett.
Someone was murdered at our party.
And the police believe they were Poisoned.
By my food?
!
Maybe.
Oh my God!
Phil!
Cut it off!
Cut the Goddamn camera off.
Get Out here!
Get over here!
Are you trying to ruin me?
! Huh?
Did Rachel Ray send you?
Huh?
Did she send you?
Because I happen to know that she's very threatened by me.
She will do anything in her power to make sure that my demo does not reach the executives at the Food Network!
That gravelly voiced bitch!
30 Minute Meal, my ass!
30 minutes, then got shit on your plate!
Then you got to eat it!
Calm down, Honey.
Don't patronize me!
I am NOT your honey....
Oh my God!
Did you just change your name to Honey?
Actually I did.
I needed something catchier than "A Little Bit O Agnes."
Look, I'm not accusing you of anything. OK?
But I have to know.
Do you recognize this guy?
Because he was poisoned at our party that YOU catered.
I've never seen him before in my life.
And I certainly didn't poison him.
And, I did not hire any waiters.
I served everything myself.
So it could not be my food.
The only person I hired was the bartender.
What's his name?
Todd Stevens.
Hot Toddy?
Oh, ya ya.
He was hot!
And he was the only straight guy there.
He was flirting with me ALL night.
Okay, that's impossible.
Because he's gay, and he's sleeping with me.
Oh, sweetie, oh my oh... you ARE an actor.
What a crock!
He is!
And, I'm nuts about him...
OK, crazy!
Well, you just live in that fantasy land that you got up there in that noodle.
And, if you're through accusing me of murder.
Then I'd like to get back to my demo.
You Crazy Mother Fucker!
Jesus Phil, roll camera.
We're losing light.
He was bar tending that night?
Terrific.
Reggie and Wood are going to have a field day with this.
According to his Facebook page, which I only go to about 20 times a day, he works out here every day, so we might run into him.
Look, there he is.
Oh, Jesus look at that.
It's like a calendar photo.
Yeah, and I tap that!
Yeah, me.
I tapped that!
Not fair.
Oh, that Butt.
It's like a shelf.
He's going!
What do we do?
Not too obvious.
Hey, Babe!
Hey.
What are you doing here?
What a coincidence.
I didn't know that you worked out at Elysian Park, too.
I do.
Gosh, I'm surprised we haven't see you here before.
We come here everyday, don't we guys?
Then why did we have to use Google Maps to find the place...
So, what do you like to do?
Oh, all the usual stuff, dude.
You know, push-ups, free weights, crunches.
A lot of "Ab" and "Core" work.
In fact, this week is my "Core Week".
It kind of sounds like my Boot Camp Class.
Exactly.
Well, you know, my bartending gig isn't quite paying all my bills right now, so I'm sort of training to be a Personal Trainer.
If you guys would be in to it, you could be my guinea pigs today and work you out.
We'll be whatever you want us to be, Todd.
Well, I'd have to put on my mean tough drill sergeant persona.
Go for it.
ALL RIGHT YOU
BEER GUZZLING, PIZZA EATING, SACKS OF CRAP!
NOW, GET DOWN ON AND GIVE ME 20 PUSHUPS!
LET'S GO, I AM DEAD SERIOUS!
NOW, NOW, NOW!
LET'S GO!
You are SO going to pay for this!
DID I SAY YOU CAN SPEAK, CUPCAKE! I DON"T THINK SO!
YOU JUST BOUGHT YOUR SELF ANOTHER 20!
NOW LET"S GO!
TOUCH YOUR NOSE TO THE GROUND!
COME ON, UP....
AND DOWN...
PATHETIC!
PATHETIC!
Come on, ladies.
Feel the burn. It's a good thing.
Guys!
Is he having a heart attack?
Oh, God I hope so.
Then we will finally have an excuse to stop this madness.
Guys, guys!
I didn't say it was time for a break.
We still have 3 more miles to..
Oh shit!
Honey, are you OK?
I just wanna...
I just..
What's he trying to say?
I think what he is trying to tell you is... although, Wood and I are in excellent shape and could do 12 more miles...
Clearly.
He really really needs to stop.
He also, wants to know, if you happen to have served your roommate a Martini the night your working the party at our house.
You got all that from the wheezing, right here?
Well, no... I mean, we've known each other a long time.
So, you know, we can practically finish each other's sentences.
Look, I didn't serve JCub anything.
Like I said, I didn't even know he was at the party.
Well somebody did!
He was poisoned!
And he did eat any of the food.
He just had the one cocktail.
You think I spiked the Martini?
!
No, no! Absolutely not!
Why would I do something like that?
JCub was my friend and my roommate.
And now that he is dead and gone, I'm screwed on bills this month.
That's why I need to do this training thing.
Well, somebody slipped it in his drink!
Well I was at the bar all night and I only took one break, for 15 minutes tops.
Who covered for you when you went on your break?
Birthday boy.
Me?
!
I don't even remember.
I hope that's not too strong.
What, What?
That makes me the killer?
Come on.
Up..oh, God.
Now look, you're the most adorable, sweet, cuddly man I ever met.
You couldn't hurt a fly.
Kiss.
Now, come on.
We got some more work to do here.
This ain't going to fix itself.
Let's go.
What?
What? Don't give me that look!
OK, you heard him.
He did not even see JCub that night.
He could be lying.
I mean, how much do we really know about this guy?
We know a lot about him., OK?
And if there's one thing I know, it's that he's innocent!
Trust me!
Shit, I'm probably sleeping with a murderer.
Okay, I've been going over my cell phone video from the party to see if there was anybody else there that we didn't know, besides J Cub.
Yeah, and?
And...
Voila!
Who's that guy?
I don't know.
But he was following me around all night.
Hi, do I know you?
Don't mind me.
I'm just standing here, swimming in the elegance of your ungodly manliness.
All right, well.
You take care.
Where's he from, Middle Earth?
Who invited a Hobbit to my birthday?
I specifically said I only wanted hot bears.
Somebody's got to know who he is and where we can find him.
OK, you know what, I'll go in to the Evites.
I'll check and see who rsvp +1, then we'll call people and maybe someone will know who he is.
That's a great idea.
You know what I can do.
I could look at his card.
I bet it has some kind of contact info on it.
What card?
He gave me his card at the party.
HE GAVE YOU HIS CARD!
COULDN'T YOU HAVE TOLD US THIS BEFORE?
YOU MORON!
Well, excuse me, but I'm the only one that came up with a clue!
You need to get a clue, Wood!
George Ridgemont.
Wood Burns, as I live and breath.
These are my friends. This is Nelson and Reggie.
Hello.
Come in.
Come in.
Excuse this little outfit.
I just got home from Pilates.
I've got to thank you for the other night.
It was such a good time.
It's always nice to spend an evening with good friends.
Good wine.
Sit, sit.
No, no.
That's okay.
Can't stay.
As much as we'd love to.
For maybe some... fashion tips.
Listen, George, we really glad, that you came to our party... but, we're sort of wondering.
Who the hell are you?
!
I'm George Ridgemeont.
Yeah, we know that from your card, but who are you?
Okay, maybe..
Maybe it's pointless to continue with this little charade of mine.
I'm sure by now,
You know the little crime I committed.
So you poisoned the naked bear cup?
!
No, I crashed your party.
To see him.
In the flesh.
Wood, really?
Why?
You might say that I'm a connoisseur of the male form.
And all it's attributes.
You collect gay porn.
In layman's terms, yes.
But I have every video.
Every photograph.
Every book that ever featured this tall hunk of a man.
So, when one of my Dental patience mentioned to me. under anesthesia, of course.
that Mr. Burns was having a party for one of his friends.
I thought this is my chance.
I'll sneak in. I'll crash.
I'll get a glimpse of the real thing.
Well, uh..
I hope you weren't disappointed.
I thought you'd be taller.
Okay, okay, wait a minute.
Let me get this straight.
So, you have a dental practice on the shire?
And you drug your Hobbit patients so you will have a social life on the weekends.
Nelson, stop.
We need to know.
Do you know this man?
Don't know him, but I did see him the other night at your party.
He was arguing with some guy.
With who?
Long, tall, drink of a man.
Big mustache.
Said he lost half of his body weight.
When you lost all that weight, you threw away everything.
Our comedy act was called "The 2 Fat Guys".
I had high blood pressure, Diabetes and a pulmonary embolism the sizer of a smart car.
So, you'll forgive me If I chose my health over our stupid little comedy act.
So, you lose a limb.
Dickie Calloway.
Dickie Calloway.
That's the one.
He's a big star now.
Big star.
Big star?
Okay, that is a stretch, Frodo.
Right, he's just a working actor.
Okay, you know what.
Dickie Calloway is only a working actor because he is a dick!
One time, he actually slashed the tires of another actor.
Just so he could get the part as the "Banana Guy"
in the Fruit of The Loom Campaign.
I would so, not be surprised, If Dickie, were the killer.
Oh, dear God. Why don't you guys just go get a room.
Thank you so much for signing my authentic Wood Burns Dildo.
Yeah, is there somewhere I can wash my hands?
Yeah, the kitchen.
Please say that was made using the actual dimensions.
Afraid not.
They had to shrink it down a bit.
The packaging was too expensive.
You wish.
Hey, George?
What is that?
That's Wood's bedroom.
Yeah, I know what it is Gollum.
What the hell is it doing on your computer?
It's Wood's Bear Cam.
I'm 1 of 4,000 devoted followers.
That spend every waking moment watching Wood brush his teeth, shave his back, and, big sigh here,
Sleep in the buff.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
You have a web cam show?
It is so worth the $49.95 a month.
How much?
How else do you think I can afford to go out with you guys on the weekends?
Well I never thought about it, because we always pay for your drinks.
Oh God, please tell me you're not doing what you are going to do.
My subscribers pay to see everything that I do in my room. Alright.
I'm not going to hold back on them.
And that's why I believe in God.
Turn it off!
Is that you?
What are you doing in my room?
Are you going through my drawers?
Okay, yes.
I went through your room.
Okay?
I was looking for a condom.
A condom?
I mean, what for?
Before Toddy, you never had any sex?
Does everything have to be a Senate inquiry with you guys?
Okay, yeah, I needed a condom.
Because, I don't know, that day I went to the gym.
You know, the steam room there's pretty cruisy.
and well, I wanted to be prepared.
I applaud your optimism.
Can we please just turn that shit off!
Wait, what's that?
When did this happen?
That's happening right now.
I just switched over to the live feed.
Somebody's breaking into our house.
Well, whoever it was, they're obviously not here.
What do you think he was looking for?
Oh, maybe he was looking for condoms like you were Nelson.
That is ridiculous.
If he was looking for a condom, he should have gone to my room. Why?
Because, I buy them in bulk at Sam's Club.
Magnum Triple Plus.
I have way more many hook ups then you do.
Oh, no you do not.
I most certainly do.
Remember last week?
I had about 5 guys in my room. I had 3...
Is this really a contest you need to win right now?
I'm getting Herpes just listening to it.
Whoever it is, okay, they're looking for that Martini glass.
Because it's evidence that could incriminate them.
I don't incriminate against anyone.
I sleep with all races.
Help!
Get off of him!
Hey, you!
Reggie, are you alright.
Yes.
You know,I had a guy hiding in the closet last week.
But it is a lot scarier when you don't plan it in advance.
So, that's not really how Taft Hartley works.
You have to get a job first.
Then you become..
Well, well, well.
As I live and breath.
Nelson Dorkoff has decided to grace our little acting class once again.
Hello, Dickie.
I'm trying to remember.
When is the last time you were here?
I've been working.
An iCarly here, a Big Bang Theory there.
It's actually been pretty busy.
I love the Big Bang Theory.
I don't remember seeing you on it.
Was it a crowd scene?
You know, I don't have that much time to watch TV anymore.
You know I got that recurring role on the Walking Dead.
As a Zombie?
Yes.
And yet, I still find time to come to class.
I must be one of those weird actors who just likes to keep my instrument sharp.
You okay?
You just made me throw up in my mouth a little.
Hey, I am so sorry.
I have not had a moment to email you to say thanks for inviting me to your Birthday party.
I actually didn't.
I know, I came with people who were invited.
But I just really wanted to be there, Nelson.
To watch you turn another year older.
Yeah, about the party. I need...
Exciting news, boys and girls.
Today we're going to be doing improv.
So pair up and prepare to impress me.
What do you say, Nelson?
For old time's sake?
Oh, I wasn't planning on staying.
I need to talk to you about what happened at...
Oh, I totally get it.
You don't want to get up there. You're improv skills are probably really rusty.
Why don't you sneak out the front.
Oh, I am so going to mop the floor with you. Bring it!
Give us a location!
I want to see some real emotions in these scenes, okay?
Some raw emotions.
You're at a party.
Go.
There's a dead body in the bathtub!
No, were in a doctor's office.
I'm here for my physical.
Really?
And, at the party one of the guests saw you having a fight with the victim.
Which would be fine.
If he died of natural causes.
But he didn't die of natural causes.
No he didn't.
The Police ruled his death a homicide.
Which begs the question
What were you two fighting about?
And were you the one who killed him?
Dickey, I knew you had a mean streak, okay.
Because you always put me down and always made fun of me.
But, really?
Killing some poor sap at my 40th Birthday party, just to ruin it.
Well, now you've gone too far!
Nelson.
I know it's been a while since you've been to my class, but it's customary to let your scene partner respond at some point.
Okay. Alright.
What do you have to say for yourself murderer?
!
Yes, Dickie, I love your energy, your focus.
Nelson, as usual, you're a little over the top.
So, pull it back a bit.
Call 911!
He really tried to strangle me right there!
I was just doing the scene!
I may have gotten a little carried away.
You know I'm a method actor.
Carried away, my ass!
He was trying to strangle me.
And everything I said really happened at my party.
None of what you said is the truth.
Especially the part about you turning 40.
Wait, wait!
So you deny
That you had a big fight with JCub at my Birthday party?
A fight with JCub.
That guy's a wierdo!
He's a big fan of mine.
He was upset I wouldn't friend him on Facebook.
You know, I'm closing in on 5,000 friends.
Oh, dear God.
I said you can like me on my fan page
But even that wouldn't satisfy him.
So then he gets this phone call and that's when he really freaked out.
About what?
I don't know Nelson.
I don't eve's drop.
He was talking to this guy he was dating.
And he was really upset because they got in a fight over at Jackie Beats's drag show a couple of days before.
But I stopped listening at that point, be cause it got really tedious.
Just like your Birthday party!
Guys!
This scene is aimless.
Let's try something else.
Dickie, you start.
You're in a psychiatrist's office. Go!
Nelson, why are you so insecurity that you lie about your age and about the parts you play on television?
I'm here to get my car repaired.
On a skateboard with handles?
What are you grabbing boobs?
Little legs?
Be specific!
He can't even strangle right.
Yeah, can you believe it?
they're remaking Carrie.
I mean, that movie is a fucking classic.
Am I right?
Who's asshole idea was that?
And who are they going to get to play Carrie, Miley Cyrus?
Exactly.
Hey I got a great idea.
Why don't you hire Sharon Stone to play the mother and really fuck it up!
Oh, honey, I got to go.
Yes, some old friends are here.
No, I don't think the realize just how incredibly rude it is to show up right before someone goes out on stage.
Oh, I'm sorry Mrs. Beat. They said they knew you.
Yeah, everybody knows me.
I'm famous!
Can I? Don't go anywhere.
Let me tell you something.
My writer is not being respected.
I was just backstage.
There's no beef jerky.
There's no cream cheese with the jalapeño jelly.
No assorted crackers.
And what about this? Hello?
I specifically requested room temperature Fuji.
Not this Crystal Geyser bullshit!
I don't even want the word "Crystal"
anywhere near me!
Uh... I'm sorry sir.
I mean mam!
GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE!
Excuse me!
Someone's in a good mood.
Yeah.
Hey.
Well, well, well.
If it isn't Curly and Larry.
Where the fuck is Mo?
It's about time you bitches came to my show.
I told you before, I need bears here.
That way even if it's half full it still looks packed.
What are you talking about Jackie?
We were front row center last Friday night.
Right, Wood?
What, no, remember.
You said you couldn't stomach another tired old drag queen.
I can hear you!
Listen, Jackie, the reason we stopped by.
Well, I'm sure you heard about the dead guy we found in our house.
Yeah.
Well, It turns out he was at your show the night before.
So I was hoping you could look at this picture and see if you recognize him?
Of course, I do!
I should have killed that asshole myself!
That deuche bag talked during my entire Celine Dion tribute.
Your Celine medley was the favorite part of the show.
We loved it right, Wood?
Oh, I cried.
Oh, you two are such Fucking Liars!
Okay!
You didn't see my fucking show!
I would never do Celine Dion!
That was a test and you failed it!
Okay, we are so, so sorry Jackie.
But we just have a couple questions we want to ask.
And then I promise you will be right out your...hair.
So, you're not staying for the show?
Oh, I want to. I love your shows!
I mean, I especially like how famous singers let you perform their hit songs, after they rewrite them for you with dirty lyrics.
Are you really that stupid?
I write the fucking dirty lyrics!
Whoa, whoa, whoa wait!
So Peggy Lee didn't write "Beaver" and then send it to you?
No!
And I got a news flash for you!
Don't freak out.
Peggy Lee is dead!
Wow, first Whitney, now Peggy.
Too soon.
Listen, we're really going to try to come to your show, but
You'll "try", to see my "show"
Huh, "friend"!
Listen, let me ask you a quick question.
How many Colt events have I attended?
Huh?
How many of those stupid travel book signings did I go to?
And don't even get me started on those horrible shows by Nelson.
Half Nelson! Full Nelson.
I swear to God!
My dental implants were less painful.
Okay, okay.
We will definitely stay for the show.
But just answer me this one question.
The dead guy that disrupted your performance.
Do you remember who he was here with, that night?
Of course, I do.
Ramone Santiago, of the Eagle LA.
Hot Toddy is a bartender at the Eagle.
Coincidence?
I think not!
Oh my God you guys!
This is so fascinating!
But Cagney and Lacey, guess what?
This little reunion's over.
Because I've got a sound check to do.
So get the fuck out.
Wait, wait, wait.
So, Katie Perry didn't write "I Kissed A Squirrel"?
GET THE FUCK OUT!
I swear to God that guy is like honey mustard.
He's hot and sweet, but essentially useless.
All right, from the top.
That meal was a religious experience.
Well, they say... the way to a man's heart is...
Well after a dinner like that, you're going to get a little more than my heart.
We are so having sex tonight.
I think I'm going to cry.
This is so awesome.
I mean, it's so romantic and It's so wonderful.
And I can't wait to tear your clothes off and get you back to bed.
But there's one thing I have to get out of the way.
Are you a killer?
What?
What are you talking about?
Are you the one who poisoned J-Cub's drink at our party?
No, Nelson, no!
I told you that before.
Why don't you trust me?
I do trust you!
I didn't even want to ask the question.
I just wanted to go to bed, but I had to, because my stupid roommates don't trust you.
They're crazy!
I trust you, you know what, and you're innocent.
Thank you.
I know you didn't poison your roommate.
He was your friend.
I can't even believe I asked you this crap.
Case closed!
We're moving on!
Oh, that's nice.
I like that.
Oh, wow!
I like where you're going with that.
You know where I'm going.
That's nice.
Okay, hello, yeah.
I do have one more question before we start.
What comes to mind when I say the name Ramone Santiago.
Uh... owner of the Eagle.
I guess the word boss comes to mind since I work for him.
So, not cold blooded murderer?
They made me ask you that.
Now, what are you trying to get at?
Well, Romano and J-Cub had a huge fight the night before J-Cub was poisoned.
So, I don't know.
Do you think maybe they were...
Doing it?
Yeah.
Ramone sleeps with all his employees.
All of them?
Yeah, pretty much.
Though, J-Cub was different.
A little bit.
Ramone was like obsessed with him or something.
He would call at weird times of the day and night and texted him a lot.
Like a dozen times a day, or more sometimes.
Well I texted you 20 times yesterday.
22 actually. But, I wasn't counting.
That's different though.
I like to hear from you.
Uh... J-Cub was scared of Ramone though.
And it's no secret that Ramone has a violent temper.
This one-time J-Cub showed me this text from Ramone.
That said he would never let him leave.
And if he ever tried to leave, he would hunt him down.
Did you tell this to the Police?
Uh, no.
I haven't actually called them back yet.
I just haven't gotten around to it.
But, I will.
Wow, you know, nobody really saw Ramone at the party.
So I guess he, I don't know, he couldn't have been the person who put the poison and J-Cub's drink.
Unless he had someone else do it for him.
What am I doing?
This is nuts!
Hey, you know what, fuck the bedroom.
Roommates are gone.
I say we do it here.
Nelson, hang on.
This talking about J-Cub kind of gets in my head.
And uh, kills the mood a little bit.
Is it okay if we take a rain check tonight?
Absolutely.
You know, I'm sorry.
I can't even believe it brought up these stupid questions.
I'm dumb.
It's okay.
You know what, don't worry about it.
We're going to get to the bottom of this.
Well good. Cause that was kind of where I was going to go here, anyway.
After, I work on your nips for a little while, until you want to scream.
Then hold you in my arms all night.
Cause I'm a such a cuddle monster like that.
I'm sorry, did I just say that all out loud?
Yeah, you did.
Ah, well. I'm not sorry.
That was an empty apology.
Well, uh...
I'm going to go.
And thank you for dinner. Thank you.
I'm just going to get out of here for now.
I'll talk to you later.
I'll text you. Probably... 20 times.
You know, crazy me.
Well, I'll be counting.
I can't believe I just got cock-blocked by a dead guy!
That was amazing, Juan.
So, will I see you next week?
Of course, Papi.
Wood, I told you.
Juan doesn't like you doing his job for him while he's taking his break.
I had to to do something to drown out the sound.
Have you seen Nelson this morning?
No, he was gone before I got up.
Well, we need to sit him down and give him the facts.
That Todd is way more involved in this murder than he is willing to admit.
He's never going to believe us.
Look, I know I come down hard on Nelson, sometimes but he's not delusional.
Sooner or later he's going to come to his senses.
Really, at his core, Nelson is a very serious person.
What?
!
So, where were you, an audition?
No, Wood, actually I was at Von's.
I always do our weekly grocery shopping dressed as a circus clown.
Of course, I was in an audition you idiot!
Oh, how did it go?
Horribly.
Yeah, I finally got in on that John Wayne Gacy bio pic.
I mean, it's the role of a lifetime.
But, because of you two. I blew it.
How is your bad acting, our fault.
I am not a bad actor.
But today, I kind of was because last night I didn't get to have sex with my life partner.
Oh, now he's your life partner.
Oh my God, it's been less than a week!
I've had blowjobs that lasted longer!
Your insistence that I questioned him, again, ruined our entire dinner.
So today, that's all I could think about.
I prepared for hours for this audition.
I practice stabbing. Kidnapping.
I even practiced digging underneath the house.
And you know I hate manual labor.
But I went into the audition and I mangled it.
That's what you say about every audition.
Anyway, here's what I was supposed to do.
It was just suppose to be one line, okay?
One line!
It's the part where, you know, Gacy's dressed up as Pogo the Clown.
And goes to a kid's birthday party and he turns, I was suppose to turn towards camera and be really menacing and creepy.
Menacing and creepy that you with the Eagle every Friday night.
Yeah, that's right in your wheel house.
Here's what I was suppose to do.
Hi kids!
Come closer!
It's me!
Pogo!
ooohh, Awe...
But I couldn't even remember the line because of last night's date debacle!
Okay you know what,
I wish you guys could just let this whole Todd's a killer thing go.
I wish we could too, Nelson, but Wood and I are dealing in reality.
Let's play connect the dots.
No, no.
I don't think we should play games right now.
I think we should focus on this case.
Duley noted.
Okay, we know that J-Cub was poisoned at our party.
We know that he didn't have anything to eat he just had something to drink.
We know that Hot Toddy was the bartender and we know you told him we found J-Cubs Martini glass.
and then somebody broke into our house looking for it!
Okay, come on you guys we all have to be thinking the same thing!
What?
Look you two!
The guy that we should be focused on is Ramone Santiago!
Toddy told me he was obsessed with J-Cub.
Yes, he sent him all sorts of threatening phone calls and emails.
He's got a huge temper and he's really jealous and J-Cub was actually frightened of him.
What should we do?
Well, I've actually been thinking about that, okay.
Because one time I had a walk-on role in an indie feature.
Where I took the time, as an actor, to prepare a backstory for my character.
I named him Marvin and he was a crack addict with OCD.
And he lost his house in foreclosure.
Get to the point, Nelson!
Anyway, To prepare for the role
I actually went down and spent the night, down on skid row.
And came dangerously close to injecting a heroin speed ball with a hooker...
Still not getting to the point, Nelson!
My point is we should go undercover at the Eagle.
Try to get some clues about the murder.
That's a great idea!
You know what we can do?
We could act like customers
And order beers and hit on guys and stuff.
We do that every weekend!
Okay, here's what we're gonna do. I'm gonna go in the house and come up with our covers!
Our character bios!
And our inner monologues!
I love this stuff!
Oh, good the plumbers here.
I didn't know there was a problem with the plumbing.
There isn't.
Hey Sergei!
Wood, there he is.
It's Ramone!
What do you have to do to get a drink around here!
Move your ass bar keep!
Hey, I think you've had a little too much pal.
Why don't I call you a cab.
A cab?
Why don't you mind your own business and climb back up that beanstalk!
Fine.
Get out of here!
That was awesome Lester.
You totally sold the out of control, drunk guy bit.
I started drinking at 5.
And that bartender totally ignored me.
And I just won't be ignored.
No, I get it.
I get it.
Here's a $20 for your troubles and go sleep it off, okay.
Hey, Ramone Santiago.
I own this place.
Hi.
So, my boys Hulk and Thor here just stood around like a couple of retarded statues watching that guy caused a scene, but you stepped in.
You handled the situation. What's your name?
Wood Burns.
Yes, The Wood Burns.
I get recognized all the time.
Sorry man, I have no idea who the hell you are.
But I do recognize a good bouncer when I see him.
Well, I was going to ask you if you wanted a job, but apparently, you're super famous, so...
No, no, no.
I'm not that famous.
I haven't done a calendar since like 1998.
I would love to work here.
Alright.
Let's go fill out the paperwork.
And, of course, you're going to have to give me a blow job.
Totally understandable.
Yeah, right?
Yeah.
Yes.
I'm in!
He want's me to start tonight!
Wood, have you even thought about how you are going to portrait this brooding bouncer with a dark past?
Have you thought about your subtext, your hopes, your wishes, your family history, anything?
I was just going to be myself.
And that's why I'm the only one here with a SAG card.
Okay sexy, you all set?
The show starts in 5 minutes.
I told you Toddy, I'm not doing it.
Oh, you're doing it.
What?
I'm trying to get him to enter the bear chest contest.
He's a shoe in to win.
He's the hottest guy here.
You're doing it.
Me, in a bear chest contest? Have you ever heard of anything more ridiculous?
No, no, no.
It's perfect.
You'll be up on stage, in full view of the entire bar.
You can keep an eye on Ramone and his goons.
While Reggie and I sneak back there and look for clues and shit.
It's perfect.
How come the only time you actually make sense, is when it involves me humiliating myself?
Just lucky, I guess.
Hey Reggie, what's up?
Hey Sexy. How are you?
I really miss J-Cub.
Oh, ya?
This whole murder thing is really freaking me out.
What?
We were friends, you know.
We shared everything.
Leather gear, chapstick, sometimes even boyfriends.
Boyfriends?
We also had this timeshare together in Palm Springs.
Hey, if you ever need a weekend getaway, let me know.
I can rent it to you real cheap.
I'm broke and I need a new computer.
He was suppose to let me borrow the money before he died.
He had some extra cash cause he was doing some freelance accounting work for Ramone.
Accounting?
To be honest Cyril the only words I was able to make out from that whole speech were chapstick and timeshare.
You lent J-cub chapstick and you have a timeshare in Palm Springs.
Am I even warm?
Yah.
Don't worry your still hot.
What? I said you're hot!
Reggie!
Reggie, come on!
Come on man, let's go!
Find me later.
I gotta go!
Fuck me, those lights are bright.
Okay, hey everyone!
How's it going tonight?
So, my name is Todd, and I will be the host for our Mr. Bear Chest 2012 Contest this evening.
We have 4 contestants for you.
And right now, let's get a look at them. Tell them to come out.
Contestant #1!
Contestant #2!
Contestant #3!
and contestant #4!
There are your Bear Chest Contestants.
Next, we have contestant #4.
This is Nelson!
Let's here it for Nelson everyone!
So, Nelson, why don't you tell us a little bit about yourself.
Well, Todd, I'm an Aquarian!
I just celebrated my 40th Birthday!
I pride myself on being very humble.
And I'm amazing in bed!
Thank you.
Oh right, let's here it for Nelson!
I said, let's here it for Nelson!
That's more like it!
Oh, ooh, J-Cubs locker.
This has got to be his backpack.
Phone.
Okay uh... it looks like he records some voice memos.
Hold on.
Meet Bruce Daniels at Akbar on Friday the 16th at 7:00PM to go over my set.
Okay, Bruce Daniels, he's that Stand up at Akbar.
It sounds like J-Cub was trying to be a comic or something.
Oh, and the 17th.
That was the night of our party.
The combination to the safe is 12, 16, 82.
Ramone doesn't think I know it, but I do.
You know, Cyril said something about J-Cub doing accounting work for Ramone, But you know, obviously I couldn't understand most of it cause his accent is thicker than Borat's.
You know what, I will go open the safe and I'll take pictures with my phone of everything.
And then maybe something is in there that will be valuable information for us.
Great idea, are you going to remember the combination?
I have a photogenic memory.
A photographic memory!
And believe me, it's not pretty.
So the cops were here tonight!
They were asking all sorts of questions.
J-Cub's murder is all over the news.
I don't have to tell you how bad this is going to be for us
If they stay focused on this club.
We've got to keep a low profile.
They can't pin anything on you Mr. Santiago.
They go no proof.
Well, if they look hard enough, they'll find proof.
Why did I ever get involved with that kid!
He was the one who was all over you, Boss.
Look, I don't need a kiss ass right now. Okay, Thor!
I have to keep this contained, or else we are all screwed!
Boss, we need you out here.
Get out of the way!
Oh my God!
Did you hear that?
They are totally involved.
No, no, no.
They're not involved.
Ramone was involved with J-Cub, but now he regrets it.
I'm talking about the murder!
He basically admitted killing him.
Oh, I did not get that.
Yeah, I know!
That was fast.
Did you find anything in the safe?
I forgot the combination.
I thought you said you have a photographic memory!
I do.
But J-Cub said the number.
I need to see it, so that it is like a photograph in my mind.
Okay, here's a pen.
Write it on your hand so you don't forget.
Gotcha.
What is it?
It's 12 - 16 - 82.
12 - 16 - 82.
Right 12 - 16 - 82. 12 - 16 - 82. 12 - 16 - 82.
I got it!
good.
I forgot it again.
It doesn't matter.
You wrote it on your hand.
You can just look at it.
Good point.
Oh, my God.
Alright you guys. Let's bring up our contestants for the last time.
Come on everybody!
Contestant #1.
Contestant #2.
Contestant #3.
And contestant #4.
What's up?
God you're hot!
Hold on, one second.
Do not leave!
I just have to take this really fast.
Hey, What?
What? I'm a little busy right now!
Trust me.
You're gonna want to hear this.
No, no, no. Please...don't.
Okay, this better be good!
What?
!
Meet me outside.
Alright, I took pictures of everything in the safe.
You wouldn't believe what he keeps in there.
Just money, valuables, like important looking documents.
I didn't see any porn!
Okay, I'll get Nelson.
We'll meet you outside.
So There you have it. Those are our contestants.
And now it is time to crown our Mr. Bear Chest 2012!
Remember. The volume of your applause is what decides our winner here. So...
Let's here it for Contestant #1.
Alright, let's here it for Contestant #2.
Alright, now we have Contestant #3.
And finally, Contestant #4.
Let's here it for Contestant #4.
Nelson, you are our Mr. Bear Chest 2012!
Give it up for him!
Come on! #4!
There you go!
This is amazing, Wow.
I really don't know what to say, except that...
I totally deserve this.
Thank you.
Alright.
There you have it.
Can you believe I won? I actually won!
I know.
And with absolutely no help whatsoever.
It's like a miracle.
This may be the happiest day of my life. Hey, you know what.
I should go Tweat all my followers. No, no, no.
Wood called.
He wants us to meet him outside.
Oh, Reggie.
I can't.
There is a photographer here from A Bears Life Magazine.
He want's to shoot me right now.
They want to make me next months cover model.
Okay Nelson, your pagent reign is not the priority here.
Okay, if we are talking about priorities.
Then why are you sitting here and not keeping an eye on Ramone?
I am keeping an eye on Ramone.
I've been keeping an eye on Ramone all night.
He's right over there.
Oh my God, he's not there!
What the hell are you doing back here and not covering the front door?
I um..oh I had to take a leak.
So I was using the private restroom.
There's a big line out front and I'm a little pee shy.
How can you be shy about anything?
You use to flash your balls for a living.
I had a special clause in my contract.
No water sport.
So, we good Boss?
Why the hell do you have the combination to my safe written on the palm of your hand? !
Combination?
I don't know what you are talking about.
I mean. This is uh... This is uh... clearly...
Oh, this is my Mom's birthday.
And I wrote it on here so that I would remember to send her a card.
Oh, really.
Your Mom's birthday?
12 - 18 - 82?
That's her birthday.
That would make your Mom about 30 years old.
She had me very young
You're at least 40.
How could your mother be 10 years younger than you?
I don't know.
I always hated math.
Nobody tries to steel from me.
You're fired!
I want you out of here!
Go check the safe and make sure nothing is missing.
Go follow that guy.
I don't trust him.
And see what he's up to and report back.
This is explosive stuff.
Ramone is running some sort of money skimming operation.
So he can screw investors out of profits.
If J-Cub was doing accounting work like Cyril said.
He could have stumbled across the cooked books and threatened to blow the operation wide open.
Ya, but Ramone wasn't at our party.
So he couldn't have been the one who put the poison in the martini.
He could have hired someone.
Someone in desperate need of cash.
Someone who would have had a reason to be at our party.
Someone, oh I don't know, like the bartender? !
Okay,you know what, Reggie?
Don't even go there!
Todd had nothing to do with this.
And you know what, If you keep doing this our friendship's over!
Okay, fine.
Fine.
So, what do we do now?
We got to go to the cops and show them this new evidence.
Maybe they can put some sort of pressure on Ramone to confess to killing J-Cub.
Detective Chad winters.
I'll do it. I'll call him.
Why you?
Oh, come on you guys.
He was totally coming on to me when he was at our house questioning us.
It was so obvious.
Not to me.
Me neither.
I thought he was coming on to me.
He was.
He was practically drooling over Wood.
Of course he was.
He was using Wood to get to me.
He just didn't want to appear overly aggressive.
What?
!
Look, I'm going home.
I'm depressed.
I can't believe I lost a job before I even finished my first shift.
Well, I'm going inside because...
I'm Mr. Bear Chest 2012.
I have huge responsibility to attend to inside.
Okay, go, go.
I will call Detective Winters if I can get a signal.
Detective Winters please.
Tell him it's opportunity calling.
Reggie didn't come home last night.
Just for the record, Wood
It would be news if Reggie DID come home after a night at the Eagle.
He probably hooked up with somebody.
You know what a whore he is.
Well, did you see him go back in the bar after he called Detective Winters?
uh...
Wood.
I'm Mr. Bear Chest 2012!
I was creating my fans.
My fans were the ones who made me, okay.
I don't have time for, you know worrying about flakey Reggie and what he's up to.
You know, I'm worried about him.
I'm going to go by the bar and see if anyone has seen him.
You know what, that's a good idea actually.
Because you need to pick up a paycheck for that hours work you did.
Because you still owe me back rent mister.
And you moved in here 8 years ago and you never gave me a cleaning deposit!
Alright.
I'll get right on that.
That sounded sarcastic.
It was.
Look, I want those pictures you took of my book keeping records and I want them now!
Look, I've told you a hundred times. I didn't take any pictures so you're not going to find them on my phone.
Don't make him angry!
You wouldn't like him when he's angry!
God, I'm such a sucker for a British accent.
Hey, I'm running out of patience here!
Yah!
Well it's your responsibility to feed the hostage and I am starving!
Does anyone else have a taste for those strawberry banana pancakes from IHOP?
I love those!
I know, right?
God you're cute.
Are you single?
Are you fucking kidding me?
Hello!
Shut him up!
Get him over there!
Shut the fuck up!
What do you want?
I came for my paycheck.
You worked under an hour.
That's not even 20 bucks.
A cashier's check or cash will be fine!
Oh, Jesus, fine!
Here.
Now beat it!
Thanks you.
You're welcome.
Oh, quick question.
What?
Did you happen to see my friend last night?
A heavy set guy, mid 40s, goatee?
You just describe my entire clientele.
He was wearing a black leather jacket.
Oh, just like that one on the chair over there.
I've been calling him all day, but he's just not picking up.
I'm kind of freaked out.
(phone ringing)
You gonna get that?
Oh, wow.
You have the same phone cover as Reggie.
Hello?
Hold on one second, okay?
Hi.
Yes, is Reggie there?
No, Reggie's not here.
But if you don't want Thor here to crack your head open.
Then you'll give me that phone!
Okay, bye.
Here you go.
Oh, will you looky here.
My private business records right on your phone.
Oh I don't...
I'm sorry. Don't hurt me!
Please don't hurt me!
Why not?
I got everything the cops need to put me away.
I don't need you anymore.
Cause I downloaded the photos to my laptop.
Damn it!
You are really ruining my day!
Sorry.
Okay, here's what we are going to do.
You're going to go home you're gonna get your laptop We'll meet in a public place
I get the laptop and you can get your friend back. Alright?
But you listen to me!
If you email one of those photos to anybody you're friend is dead!
Okay, I'm good.
I'm good.
I'm good.
Oh, one last thing though.
What?
How are you going to find my friend Reggie? I told you he was missing.
Let's get that shirt open Mr. Burns.
You don't have to tell me twice.
How are you feeling?
Excited.
You're going to do fine.
Thank you.
Say something.
Well I think it's obvious that we both find each other attractive and I think maybe after this we can...
No, no, no.
I mean...
Say, "testing, 1,2,3"
Testing 1, 2, 3.
Good.
Hey, don't worry.
We're gonna be right out of sight.
You're gonna do fine.
I just wish that Reggie was here, because he would be sooo jealous!
I'm not worried at all.
Hey, hey.
Do you guys wanna go get a room?
Before we meet the vicious kidnapper who could blow our heads off?
Hello Wood.
And look who it is? Mr. Bear Chest 2012.
Sorry dude.
No autographs till we've concluded business.
So, where are your goons? Yeah.
I don't need them to handle you two.
Oh, God!
Oh, God!
You got the laptop?
Yeah, right here, right here um... And I can give it to you in one second.
but I'd like to know something quickly first.
Did you poison Jcub?
What are you talking about?
We know you two had a huge fight the night before the murder.
What happened, huh?
Did he find out what you're doing and threatened to expose you?
And did he break up with you and you couldn't handle it?
Because no one messes with Ramone Santiago!
You know what?
He did find out what I was doing.
And he did want to break up with me over it.
But I could never hurt him.
He was my soulmate.
Part of me died with him.
So, you didn't poison Jcub?
But you do skim profits from your investors at your club, to milk your investors out of profits?
Is that true?
Are we close on that?
Yeah.
Isn't that why we're here?
I didn't quite get that.
Could you say it one more time, and a little bit louder and right there.
I said yeah.
What is this?
He said yeah!
He said yeah!
Move in! Move in!
Freeze Santiago!
You're under arrest!
Take him away fellas.
Don't kill me!
Don't kill me! Busted! Busted!
Nailed you!
Come on!
Good job, fellas.
Good job, Wood.
I was so good.
Did you hear me?
I heard everything.
You did amazing work.
I was right in there.
I was like...
Hey talk right here.
You did a great job.
Thank you.
Are you kidding me with this?
Where's Reggie?
Oh, he's in the trunk!
Reggie, are you in there? !
Oh, thank God!
Ow!
You must be so happy right now!
Uh, why?
You always had that kidnap fantasy.
Yes, Wood.
Fantasy.
It's a little different, when it's real!
Detective Winters!
Oh my God.
Thank you so much for coming to rescue me.
I love you so much!
Okay, alright.
Let go! Let go!
Alright boys.
I gotta go.
See you later Wood.
Call me.
We solved the case!
We're heroes!
We saved him!
We're not heroes, Wood.
You know, I believe Ramone.
I don't think he poisoned Jcub.
Which means were back to square one.
I mean, we don't even know how he was poisoned.
Bruce Daniels!
Oh, you mean that guy who host that comedy night "Drunk On Stage" at Akbar.
And lies about his age on IMDB.
You think he killed Jcub?
No remember.
Jcub left that voice memo about doing a set at Bruce's show.
That was right before he came to our party.
Hey, maybe this Bruce guy, who I have never heard of can shed some light on Jcub's state of mind and maybe
I don't know, remember something that can clear Todd for good.
Oh, he's doing a show tonight.
Let's go!
Perfect.
Wait a minute.
A live comedy show.
Well, let's just hope that nobody spots me in the in the audience.
Because after the day I've had, I am in no mood to perform.
No, it's not going to happen.
No way will I get up there.
No way.
The show has already started.
So we're going to grab our seats and we'll talk to him after the show. Okay?
I love the Grove because it makes me feel like I live in a town with a trolly that goes nowhere.
Oh, look!
3 bears just walked in.
Where's Goldielocks?
God, he's beautiful.
Did you see him?
Would you mind switching seats with me?
So I can...
Sshhh!
I'm just joking.
I love the bears.
I was invited to a bear event, it was called a Bear-B-Que.
That's a joke.
It consisted of a pig on a spit and wet-naps.
He's no Wayne Brady.
All right, thank you guys so much for coming out we have a great show.
Right now we have one lovely lady that is touring the country right now and were so honored to have her here. The very funny, the very talented
Miss Shawn Pelofsky!
What the fuck!
Grizzly this isn't the Price is Right!
God, he almost got my nose.
Thank you so much!
Wow!
What a thrill to be performing for all of you tonight here at Akbar.Thank you so much.
You know i'm not on the bill tonight, but I thought I would you know drop-in.
Because I know that Bryce here is always looking for some new talent.
No I'm not.
So, here I am.
Thank you.
Thank you so much.
Okay, um. Well,
I had a Birthday recently.
I did.
I turned the big 4 0.
Anyway talking about rough. Wow.
At my age, you know my idea of lifting weights, is standing up!
Thank you.
Thank you so much.
I went to the doctor last week and I have my uh... you know blood levels checked my cholesterol and boy, let me tell you my cholesterol was really high.
How high was it?
It was so high that the doctor didn't know if it was a cholesterol level or Seth Rogan!
Okay. Alright!
He's done!
I've got the room back people.
Here's my card.
Call me. I love you.
No really, I love you.
Now the real star of the show.
The one, the only,
Miss Shawn Pelofsy everyone!
Applause for Shawn!
Honey are you alright?
It's true, I'm traumatized from that.
Where did he get that shirt, from a lesbian?
Jesus!
He was great.
He was about as funny as the Holocaust.
Did you guys enjoy that?
Big old bear.
I think people really liked me.
Hey Bryce.
Hey, it's Bruce.
And thanks for fucking up my show tonight!
What are you talking about?
I killed.
Yeah, you did.
After seeing your act up there, a little piece of me died.
Uh...
Mr. Daniels, big, big fan.
Nice to meet you. Nice to meet you, too.
Uh... the real reason we're here is to discuss an unfortunate episode that happened at our house.
Oh, you mean that bear that died in your tub.
You know, you're never gonna get laid in that house again.
See, I told you!
You're totally right.
Well, we know that you were coaching Jcub on his stand up act that night. So uh...
I don't know if you know this about me, but I've coached a few models in my time.
I was a pretty famous model and uh...
I teach them how to you know lay in a bed and show there balls with out really getting their hands in the way
It's a very rookie mistake.
I t happens a lot, but I'm on top of that.
My most famous one was. on a saw horse bent over, ass in the air.
And able to wave and go "Hey, what's up?"
and show this are which is probably the money maker.
Do you mind!
He's getting grossed out.
Models?
Ignore him.
We know that Jcub came to your club and did a set at your show that night right before he came over to our party.
Oh, I do remember.
His whole set was about his obsessed room mate who wouldn't leave him alone.
and he was starting to get scared to go home.
No, it's as funny as it sounds.
Room mate?
Are you sure?
Not stalkery boss?
No, it was definitely his room mate.
Hot Toddy!
Excuse me.
Oh, bear drama.
Looks like the fur is going to fly tonight.
See ya.
Great show, Thank you.
Ggrrllss.
Hey There everybody!
Hey everybody surprise!
Normally the episode would just start commercial free.
But for the last five episodes we need you to sit through a commercial featuring us.
So here we are on the set of our all new Christmas episode that you can only see on our upcoming Where The Bears Are Season 1 DVD.
That right, were going to release a DVD of Season 1 that will be chock full of amazing extras.
Including the uncensored full length feature version of our show uninterrupted movie form.
And when we say uncensored, that means you get to see some of us naked.
Totally naked.
And then also we have like this new opening credit sequence that is only on the feature.
We have outtakes, bloopers, deleted scenes.
Oh, and big sigh here...
Wood's Bear Cam clips.
Love em!
Awesome!
So, please help us make enough money to do another season of our show.
We're completely self-financed.
So it's only with your help that we can do a Season 2.
Please go to our online store at wherethebearsare.tv and pre-order your DVD today.
That way you'll get it before everybody else and plenty of time for the holidays.
And speaking of holidays.
Happy Holidays!
Guys, it's not even holloween yet.
Oh yeah, that's right.
Oh well.
Enjoy the episode.
And I don't understand.
Cause in the gay community.
A big, burly, hairy, muscular man is called a Bear.
And in the Lesbian community
A big, burly, muscular, hairy woman is called a Lesbian.
so that's awesome.
Stretch it out.
Stretch it out.
That's right.
That's right. Hold it.
I don't need to do yoga.
What's happening?
Nelson, wait up!
Nelson, honey. It's time to wake up and smell the coffee.
Really, I think he should focus on the fact that his boyfriend was stalking Jcub.
Sorry.
Seriously,
I think we need to call Detective Winters and give him this information.
Oh, plus I need a date for the GLADD Awards on the 26th.
You think that detective has a crush on you?
And I'm the diluted one for thinking that my boyfriend isn't a vicious killer.
Unbelievable!
Okay, maybe Chad was infatuated with Wood's body 15 years ago but
I think he sees me as the whole package.
I have a big cock too!
Oh my God.
Honestly, I could actually see the two of us maybe settling down some day.
Settling down?
Oh, you're going to settle down, is that the deal?
What are you going to buy a house with him?
and moved to the Valley?
Is that it?
Yeah, right Reggie.
You're not gonna settle down.
No, what you're gonna do is you're going to travel the globe and you're gonna sleep with every big, hot, hairy, gay bear you can find.
Hey, I got an idea.
Why don't you cruise the United Nations.
It'll save you money on plane fare.
You don't want to settle down.
And you're not looking for love.
Okay, you're looking for dick!
Get real!
Okay, Nelson.
You want to get real.
Let's get real with you.
You're a greying, middle-aged, gay guy.
Still trying to make it in the most youth obsessed industries in the world. You always make such a huge event out of when you don't get cast for something.
when, honestly, it would be a huge event if you DID actually get cast in something.
You did not just say that to me.
Quit it guys!
I'm fucking sick of this shit!
Oh my God. Did he just say shit?
Yeah, I think he's really mad.
Yeah, you're damn right I am.
You guys are always ganging up on me.
And acting like I'm stupid all the time.
Well, guess what.
At least I'm smart enough to know that we all love each other.
And we need to stick together in times like these.
Especially, when one of us might be in danger because he's dating a murderer.
Oh my God.
We're back to that again.
I cannot believe you two!
I'm crazy about that guy!
And you know what?
It hurts my feelings that you don't trust me enough to know if somebody's taking advantage of me or lying to me.
You know what?
Todd is a good guy and I don't think he killed anybody.
What about Jcub's standup act?
That doesn't prove anything!
Performers make crap up all the time to get laughs!
Come on, Nelson.
How much more proof do you need?
You know what Reggie.
You get to have sex with all of these really gorgeous man all the time.
And then now I finally meet somebody that's beautiful and amazing.
and I'm crazy about him.
and you wont even give me that!
Do you always have to win? Huh?
Is that the deal?
Do you always have to get the guy?
Why won't you just give me this?
Nelson, you know that's not true.
You know, I can't even be around you guys right now.
Where are you going?
Before you watch Episode 22, I'm gonna show you a quick sneak peek of what is on our Where The Bears Are Season 1 DVD.
We're going to have it chock full of extras including a 20-minute Christmas episode where Harry Potter and Susie make a another guest appearance.
Take a look.
Oh my God, Harry Potter's here.
I brought you a present
Come New Years, it's pay back time!
If you do buy the DVD you also get an uncensored, feature-length version of our show as a movie with nudity.
There will be a brand new opening title sequence.
We're having outtakes, bloopers, deleted scenes, Wood's Web Cam.
Guys, we are completely self-financed and the only way that we're going to do a Season 2 is with your help.
If all of our fans go out there and buy a DVD, we're going to be able to do a Season 2.
So please, right now go to wherethebearsare.tv
Order a DVD.
Order one for your friends.
Remember, they make great stocking stuffers.
The holidays are coming up.
And if you order now, you'll get it in time for the holidays.
Thank you guys so much and enjoy the episode.
Nelson, Wood and I feel terrible how we left things at Akbar last night.
We love you, we miss you and we want you to come home.
We're a little worried we haven't heard from you.
So, please call, okay?
We miss you.
Anything?
No.
I mean, his suitcase is missing and his underwear drawer is empty.
Oh my God!
Do you think he moved out?
It's his house.
So, probably not.
No.
So where is he?
Did you check the house phone to see if we had any messages?
There was only 1 message.
But I couldn't understand the guy. He had a really thick accent.
Oh, that's Cyril.
He's been pushing that timeshare of his in Palm Springs cause he's broke.
Wait a minute.
Maybe that where Nelson went.
(doorbell)
Okay, you answer that, I'll call Cyril.
Hey Detective Winters.
You must be here for Reggie.
I'll go get him.
No, no, no.
Please don't let him know I'm here.
He makes me very uncomfortable.
I need to talk to you.
Can you come out for a second?
So I probably have a calendar or something in there if you want me to sign.
As tempting as that is,
I'm hear about Todd Stevens.
Oh, Hot Toddy?
Yes.
We found some very interesting emails on Jcub's computer sent from Todd's account.
What kind e-mails?
Disturbing ones.
Threatening to kill him if he didn't take his love for him seriously.
Do you know where I can find him?
I don't have a clue.
I know, but do you know where I can find Todd Stevens?
Oh, you mean, you don't know where he is.
Sorry.
Here take my card incase anything comes up.
Anything?
Anything pertaining to the case.
Well, we can relax.
Cyril said he rented the condo to Hot Toddy and Nelson for the weekend.
So we know where they are.
You know I'm actually beginning to understand what Cyril says.
I'm calling the Police.
I should probably get going anyway.
Why wouldn't he want to talk to the Police?
Just my Boyfriend.
I know where you live.
Did you tell this to the Police?
No, I haven't actually called them back yet.
What kind of emails?
Threatening to kill him if he didn't take his love for him seriously.
Come on you guys.
We all have to be thinking the same thing.
Hot Toddy!
Hot Toddy!
Hot Toddy!
Todd Stevens!
Hot Toddy!
Hot Toddy!
Hot Toddy!
Toddy!
Who's at the door?
Detective Winters.
Why didn't you come get me?
You know he was here to see me.
Hot Toddy.
He's the killer!
What are you talking about?
We got to go to Palm Springs!
No, no, no.
We got to stop the Detective!
What, WHAT?
!
Detective Winters!
Detective Winters!
Wait!
Wait! Stop!
Oh my God, I could have sworn he saw me.
We made I contact and everything.
Why wouldn't he stop?
Forget him alright.
The way I drive, we will get there faster than the cops.
Give Nelson a try again.
Damn it!
I got his voicemail.
Should I leave a message?
Start the car!
No, no, no.
Let me try calling him, alright.
Sometimes he screens your calls because he doesn't want to have to talk to you.
Oh really? That's nice.
Remember, when you get him on the line, remember to stay calm.
Todd could be with him and we don't want Nelson panicking.
Absolutely.
We don't want to tip off Todd.
Hi, this is Nelson.
Oh, I got his machine too.
I'm probably busy with my hot boyfriend, jealous?
Hey Nelson, It's...it's Wood.
When you hear this message I want to stay calm.
Under no circumstances should you react to this message.
Especially, if Todd is with you. Okay?
Detective Winters has confirmed it. Todd is...
A CRAZED MANIAC!
GET THE HELL OUT OF THERE!
AND SAVE YOUR LIFE!
YOU'RE A FUCKING DEAD MAN!
HE'S GONNA SLIT YOUR THROAT!
Oh my God!
You call that trying to be calm?
I'm sorry.
We just have to get to Nelson.
Where are we going to exactly?
Palm Springs.
I know that you imbecile.
Palm Springs is a huge city in the desert.
Do we have an address?
Should I call Cyril again?
No, no, no.
Wait a minuite.
I remember seeing his address on a card he had sent me.
It was for an invitation for a sex party, back in April.
Sex Party?
! Why wasn't I invited?
He wanted tops.
So why were you invited.
I have made out with Cyril numerous times.
He had a sex party and didn't invite me?
Look, It's not important.
I can use my photogenic memory and remember the address.
Just...
Okay, what is it?
Who has a sex party and doesn't invite me?
I mean, unbelievable!
Got it!
Let's go!
You haven't answered my question!
Keep trying!
Keep trying!
This is heaven.
I never want to leave.
And I'm never letting you go either.
Ooh, music to my ears.
(phone vibrates)
Hey everybody.
This is Rick.
Before we start today's episode.
I want to show you a clip from our upcoming Christmas show.
which is available exclusively on our DVD.
And believe me, when you see this you'll know how difficult this was for me to shoot.
Dude, what's up?
It's tradition.
What the fuck!
Seriously, again?
!
Okay, I may have blown a few takes so I could do that scene over and over and over again.
If you've already bought our DVD thank you so much.
If not, please go to wherethebearsare.tv and order one today.
We really want to do a 2nd Season.
But, we can only do it if everybody buys 1 or 2 or 3 copies
So enjoy today's episode.
I personally can't watch this one because it's way too scary.
So, what do you want to do today?
Wanna go for a bike ride or take a hike?
Yeah right.
I know you were only suggesting that for my benefit.
Which is sweet.
But I want to do what you want to do today.
Which I imagine is, get take out and watch All About Eve, again.
You are too good to me.
Hey, can I use your laptop to order up a meat-lovers pizza?
Okay, I've got my own meat-lover right here.
But pizza sounds good too.
I'm gonna grab a shower in the meantime.
So don't go looking through my inbox, looking for any ex boyfriends.
Don't be silly.
You know, I'd never do that.
Uh huh.
Alright, Palm Springs Pizza.
Old boyfriends huh?
Well, it won't hurt to just check the sent emails.
J Cub, After living with you all these months I realize I love you.
J Cub, I was hoping for an email back.
Did you get my last email?
J Cub, Please tell me how you feel!
I am crazy about you!
J Cub, I'm beginning to think you are an ASSHOLE!
YOU ARE AN ASSHOLE ASSHOLE ASSHOLE!
I CAN'T BELIEVE I WAS EVER ATTRACTED TO A FUCKING PEICE OF SHIT LIKE YOU!
GET READY TO DIE:):):):)
DIE! DIE!
DIE! DIE!
DIE! DIE!
Wood and Reggie were right!
He's J Cub's killer!
I gotta get out of here.
Oh my God.
Oh my God.
Alright, I'm gonna go to the police station.
I'm gonna call Wood and Reggie.
And tell them the guy I'm dating is a killer.
Hiding from me?
No, why would you say that?
What are you doing?
They won't deliver.
I have to go get it.
Well, I'll go with you.
No, no, no!
You're all wet.
And it will take you too long to get dressed.
And I need pepperoni now!
Okay, but don't take too long.
Keys?
Keys?
Keys?
Jacket, they're in the jacket.
Jacket, get the keys.
Put them in my pocket.
Gotta go.
Good, you're still here.
I'm dressed now, so I can go with you.
No you can't.
Stop suffocating me!
Why can't you give me a minute to myself Mr. Clingy!
What are you doing with my laptop?
Yeah.
I got your laptop.
And I saw the emails Todd.
The ones you sent to J Cub.
These!
The ones where you were professing your undying love for him!
And he told you to go away.
But you got all angry and hostile and crazy!
I didn't write those.
I've never seen those before.
I swear to God!
They're on your computer!
I don't know how they got there.
It all makes sense now.
You and J Cub were both at my Birthday party.
And you followed him into the bathroom. Didn't you!
And you wanted to have sex with him!
What?
But he rejected you!
And you couldn't take that, could you!
So you decided to get your revenge!
No, Nelson.
That's not how it happened.
You got this all wrong!
Stay back!
He was the one trying to have sex with me for months!
I told him it wasn't like that.
That we were just friends.
But he wouldn't listen!
Yeah, well why didn't you tell that to the Police?
!
Because I'm no fucking angel, Nelson!
I have a record!
I've been arrested twice for aggravated assault!
I din't want to tell you this!
I didn't want it to change the way you felt about me!
But if the cops showed up and I was there the night he died.
And there was this unrequited crush he had on me or something.
What was I suppose to do!
All fingers were gonna point to me being the killer.
You figured out a way to put the poison on J Cub's Martini glass, so that when I served it to him.
All it took was one sip!
One sip and he was dead in the bathtub!
Look, that's not how it happened.
You're jumping to conclusions!
Don't touch me!
Look, you're not thinking clearly!
Hey everybody.
Before you watch episode 24.
I'd like to show you a quick sneak peek of our upcoming
Where The Bears Are Season 1 DVD.
That's right, we're releasing a DVD that will be chock full of amazing extras including a 20-minute Christmas Episode.
Take a look.
Silent Night.
Hey, The Christmas strippers are here!
You gotta love Holiday Strippers, right?
Nothing better than Christmas music and hairy ass.
Plus the DVD features the uncensored, full-length feature version of our show, with nudity!
And all new never before seen opening credit sequence.
Bloopers, outtakes, deleted scenes and clips from Wood's infamous Bear Webcam Show.
We are completely self-financed so it's only with your help we can do a Season 2.
So we really do need every single fan to buy DVD if we're going to continue.
So that means if you watch our show you gotta buy at least 1, 2 hell, by 20 of them for all your friends, Okay.
Go to our our website at wherethebearsare.tv and order your DVD today.
Oh, and one last thing.
Today's episode features a pretty significant plot twist.
So please do us a favor and don't give it away online or on Facebook or to any of your friends.
That way you won't spoil it for all the other fans who watch the episode after you do.
Thanks a lot guys.
Enjoy the episode.
Oh my God, Cyril.
Thank God you're here!
Todd.
Todd was the one who poisoned J Cub.
It was him.
I just killed him.
He was just using me. Because he didn't want us to get too close to the truth.
What are you doing here?
Your friends called all worried sick about you.
I told them you were fine, but I figured I'd come and check up on you.
What?
It doesn't matter.
So, it was Todd.
You live with a guy for 2 years.
It's like you don't even know him.
Did you just say that you lived with he and J Cub?
Just for a little while.
Till they kicked me out.
J Cub didn't feel comfortable having me around anymore.
Oh my God!
It was you!
You were the one who poisoned J Cub!
The third roommate!
Don't go Nelson!
You've paid for the condo for the entire weekend.
I hope you enjoyed the timeshare.
Cause your time is running out!
Why are you talking normal?
Let's just say I had to get out of San Francisco in a hurry and I needed to reinvent myself.
What are you talking about?
In Boston I was Southern.
And in Chicago, I was Quebecois.
Why do you have to keep changing your identity?
Because I'm a serial killer!
Oh God, I knew it!
Oh God!
I thought Wood was the dumb one.
So, you finally got it all figured out now Nelson?
Yeah, I do!
Reggie told me that you didn't have a computer.
Yeah, he told me that.
So the only way you could have reached J Cub was through email.
Of course I had Todd's account.
We shared a room.
I knew his password.
And the cops never even thought to question you. Right?
They didn't even know you lived with them.
So why would they question you.
J Cub's dead.
And Todd, poor Todd.
He was avoiding them.
It all makes sense now.
You were in love with J Cub but he only had eyes for Todd.
I had it all wrong.
J Cub must have followed Todd to the bathroom.
To try to have sex with him.
But, Todd turned him down. Didn't he?
Yes.
J Cub was devastated.
And I was there to help pick up the pieces.
But no matter how hard you tried. J Cub was never gonna love you.
And if I couldn't have him. Nobody would!
Like I told Reggie.
J Cub and I shared everything.
Even Chapstick!
And that's how I poisoned him.
Chapstick?
It was never in his Martini at all.
The poison was on the glass from J Cub's lips.
That's why you had a break into our house and retrieve it before we turned it over to the Police.
How did you find out about the glass?
I had access to Todd's email.
I know everything, dumbass!
What's that?
It stops the heart.
And with your high cholesterol and blood pressure.
Who would question it?
Doctor Harvey Rosenblatt will!
My triglyceride numbers went down 50 points at my last physical.
Maybe.
But even a normal heart would feel the stress of killing your lover in self defense.
After you find out he's a murderer.
OH!
Let's go for a little walk!
Don't kill me.
I worked so hard to get those numbers down.
Please don't kill me.
I'll get you a role on a Disney Channel show!
Oh wait.
We don't have the code to get in.
Oh, I know. It's 7, 9, 12.
Cyril told me in case I wanted to come visit.
How did you remember?
I'm the one with the photogenic mind.
Because it just happens to be the dick sizes of my last 3 boyfriends.
Come on!
Hurry! Do you still have 12's number?
No.
And he defriended me on Facebook.
Hey, everybody! How are you doing?
Well, we're finally here, Episode 25.
The last episode of our first season.
But, before we get started, we'd like to show you another quick sneak peak of our upcoming Where The Bears Are Season 1 DVD!
And, this DVD is chock full of extras including a 20-minute Christmas Special that you can only get on the DVD. Where Detective Winters and my character...um...watch this...
Am I a person of interest in another murder investigation?
You are a person of interest. to me!
Yes, oh, yes, let's get that shirt off!
Yeah, you want some of this?
Okay, that was just hot.
Oh, my God, really hot.
And, you can only get it if you buy our upcoming Season 1 DVD.
Plus the DVD features the uncensored full-length feature version of our show with nudity.
And, an all new opening credit sequence bloopers, outtakes, deleted scenes clips from Wood's famous web cam show.
Now, as you know we are completely self-financed so..
Have we said that before?
I think they know that.
I think we've mentioned it a few times.
So, it's only with your help we will be able to do a Season 2.
#SelfFinanced on Twitter
And, we can eat, too!
Yes because we never do enough of that.
Yeah, we don't eat enough.
Feed the bears.
But, seriously, we really do need every single person who's watched our show this entire season to buy DVD if we're going to continue.
So please buy 1, buy 2, buy hundreds for your friends.
Go to our online store at wherethebearsare.tv right now and order your DVD today!
Oh, and one last thing.
The episodes maybe ending after today.
But we have a lot more surprises in store for you so be sure to continue to "like us" on our Facebook page and check wherethebearsare.tv every Monday and Thursday.
Because we're going to be posting some more clips maybe a few surprises and maybe some stuff we just post on a whim.
So, thank you all for watching and thank you for your support.
Thank you, thank you very much, we uh... this has been one of the most rewarding experiences that that we've ever had and words can't really express how grateful we are to all of you.
Absolutely, so thank you so very, very much.
So, sit back, relax and enjoy the Season Finale of Where the Bears Are.
Bye!
There's his car, he must be here!
Who's car is this?
Oh, that's Cyril's, we made out in it last week.
Nelson!
Check upstairs, I'll look down here.
Nelson!
Nelson!
Nelson!
I need some water.
Reggie. What are you doing here?
You killed him.
You killed Nelson!
You killed my best friend!
What have you done with him?
I asked you a question!
Wood, ease up!
Wood!
(Cough) I didn't do anything with him.
He found emails on my computer to J Cub.
They were threats, I didn't write them, I swear!
Liar!
Liar!
Get off of him!
Where is he?
I don't know!
He hit me over the head with my computer
I just woke up.
Well, where's Cyril?
Cyril?
You mean my old roommate, Cyril?
Yes he owns this place.
You didn't know that?
You were roommates with J Cub AND Cyril?
(nod yes) What does that mean?
Cyril, listen to me!
You can't kill me!
Think about it!
Think of the devastating effect this will have on the Hollywood entertainment community!
You'll be reviled for killing a beloved celebrity.
A beloved celebrity?
Nelson, honestly,
I think Hollywood will survive without you.
Besides, they'll always have that fat guy from "Lost."
Oh, Hell no!
Help me!
Help me!
That's it, Nelson, get your heart rate up, all the more convincing to the coroner!
They didn't drive so they have to be on foot.
How are we gonna find him?
Wait, I know.
Nelson has a profile on Growlr.
If he has his phone on we can track him by proximity.
Brilliant.
I don't see his profile.
Oh, wait!
He took down his profile when he started dating Hot Toddy.
He did?
That's kind of sweet, isn't it?
Yeah, and it's about to get him killed!
I told him he was moving too fast!
Wait a minute, Cyril's got a profile on here.
And he's only 0.2 miles away!
Okay, let's go!
This way, this way!
Okay, it says now that he's only 0.1 mile away.
Which way do we go?
Let's go that way.
Maybe he took him to Cathedral City Boys Club.
He wants to murder him not suck his dick in the sauna.
Moron.
It's obvious.
He's going to the desert.
I'm really starting to like this guy.
Well, it's not totally obvious!
Ugh!
Ahh!
Alright, let's finish this!
Oh, by the way, Nelson, you will live on.
My next stop is Boise, Idaho.
And my next persona is Nelson, the self-deluded theatre queen.
No!
Ready for your final curtain call?
Get him Wood!
Baby, are you okay?
Are you okay?
Yeah, I'm okay.
Stop it, Cyril, you're giving me a "woody."
I'm really so sorry I didn't believe you.
I'm just glad you're safe.
I'm calling the police.
I can't get any service.
I can't believe I hit you over the head with your laptop.
I know.
It's okay
If I had seen those emails, I probably would have done the same thing, too.
Yeah, you know, I feel horrible.
I can't believe I let myself think you were guilty.
You know what? I got to be honest.
I think the reason I let myself think you were guilty is because
What's a guy like you doing with a guy like me?
Hey, come on.
Now look I think you are incredibly sexy.
And, I've been with plenty of "muscle bears" and "gym bunnies" and guys with six percent body fat or whatever
But you know what, it's just
It looks nice on the outside, but it's just covering up a big mess on the inside.
With you I get both. Beautiful inside AND out.
And, that makes me very lucky.
And, I'm smart enough to know that's the sort of thing you hang on to.
(mouthed) He's so fucking hot.
You know I always did say they made the cutest couple.
What?
No, you didn't.
You were like, he's a...
Todd
Let me be the first to apologize on behalf of Wood, who refused to believe in you.
Look, guys, no sweat.
You were just looking out for your friend.
That makes you kings in my book.
So, now, who wants Martinis?
Me.
I do.
Yes, please.
You guys aren't checking out my ass, are you?
No. No.
I was.
Well, I was.
Listen guys, I feel like I should say something.
You don't have to say anything.
No, no, I want to.
I want to thank you for saving my life.
Well, I love you.
I'd be lost without you two.
You guys...
Don't say it!
Bear Hug!
He said it.
He said it.
Oh, God...
Okay...
I'm swallowing hair.
All right.
That was sweet.
So sweet.
It was touching.
- Watch it.
- Sorry, Darling.
- Here you are.
- Thank you.
Come here.
Mind if I join you?
Can I have the same?
I should introduce myself, my name is Gandalf.
- Gandalf the Grey.
- I know who you are.
Well, now, this is a fine chance.
What brings Thorin Oakenshield to Bree?
I received word that my Father had been seen wondering the wild near Dungland
I went looking, found no sign of him.
Thorin, It's been a long time since anything but rumor was heard of Thrain.
He still lives.
I am sure of it.
My father came to see you before he went missing.
What did you say to him?
I urged him to march upon Erebor.
To rally the seven armies of the dwarves. To destroy the dragon and take back the lonely mountain.
And I would say the same to you, take back your homeland.
This is no chance meeting, is it, Gandalf?
No.
It is not.
The lonely mountain troubles me, Thorin. That dragon has sat there long enough.
Sooner or later the darker minds would turn towards Erebor.
I ran into some unsavoury characters while I was traveling amongst the green road,
- they mistook me for a vagabond.
- No matter, they regretted that.
One of them was carrying a message.
This is Black speach
- A promise of payment.
- For what?
Your head.
Someone wants you dead.
Thorin, you can wait no longer, you are the heir to the throne of Durin.
Unite the army's of the dwarves. Together you have the might and power to retake Erebor.
Summon a meeting of the seven dwarf families. Demand they stand by their oath
The seven armies swore that oath to the one who wields the king's jewel, the Arkenstone.
It is the only thing that will unite them, and in case you have forgotten, that jewel was stolen by Smaug.
What if I were to help you reclaim it.
Oh.
The Arkenstone lies half a world away.
- Buried beneath the feet of a fire breathing dragon. - Yes, that's right.
That is why we're going to need a burglar... 12 MONTHS LATER
How close to the pack?
- To close.
Couple of leagues, no more, but that is not the worst of it.
- The orc's picked up our scent.
Not yet, but they will do.
We've another problem.
- Did they see you?
They saw you. - No, that's not it.
What did I tell you, Quiet as a mouse.
Exelent burglar material.
- Will you just listen!
I'm trying to tell you there is something else out there.
What form did it take, like a bear?
Y... Yes. But bigger, much bigger.
You knew about this beast?
- I say we go back.
- And be run down by a pack of orcs?
- There is a house.
It's not far from here where we might take refuge.
- Who's house?
Friend or foe.
- Neither.
He will help us or he will kill us.
What choice do we have?
None.
Come on!
This way, quickly!
Bombur, come!
To the house!
Run!
Come on, get inside!
Open the door!
Quickly!
Push!
Come on!
What is that?
That is our host...
His name is Beorn.
And he's a skin changer.
Sometimes he is a huge black bear and sometimes he's a great strong man.
The bear is unpredictable, but the man can be reasoned with.
However, he is not overfund of dwarves.
- He's leaving.
- Come away from there!
It's not natural. None of it!
It's obvious, he's under some dark spell.
Don't be a fool.
He's under no enchantment but his own.
Well, now, get some sleep, all of you.
You'll be safe here tonight.
I hope.
Attack them now.
Kill the dwarf filth while they sleep.
No
The beast stands guard.
We will kill them on the road.
They are gathering in Dol Guldur.
The Master has summoned you!
We grow in number.
We grow in strength.
You will lead my armies.
What of Oakenshield?
War is coming.
You promised me his head.
Death will come at all.
Do we call off the hunt?
Bolg!
I have a task for you.
Do you still thirst for Dwarf blood?
So you are the one they call Oakenshield
Tell me, why is Azog the Defiler hunting you?
- You know of Azog, how?
- My people were the first to live in the mountains.
Before the orcs came down from the north.
The defiler killed most of my family.
But some he enslaved. Not for work, you understand, but for the sport.
Caging skinchangers and torturing them seemed to amuse him.
There are others like you?
Once there were many.
And now?
Now there is only one.
You need to reach the mountains before the last day of autumn.
- Before Durin's day falls, yes.
- You're running out of time.
- Which is why we must go through Mirkwood.
- A darkness lies upon that forrest.
Foul things creep beneath those trees.
There is an alliance between the orcs of Moria and the Necromancer in Dol Guldur.
I would not venture there, except in great need.
- We will take the elven road. That path is still safe.
- Safe?
The woodelves of Mirkwood are not like their kin.
They're less wise and more dangerous.
But it matters not.
What do you mean?
These lands are crowling with orcs. Their numbers are growing.
And you are on foot, you will never reach the forest alive.
I don't like dwarves.
They are greedy and blind, blind to the lives of those they deem lesser than their own.
But orcs I hate more.
What do you need?
Go now, while you have the light.
Your hunters are not far behind.
The elven gate
Here lies our path through Mirkwood.
No sign of the orcs. We have luck on our side.
Set the ponies loose, let them return to their master.
This forest feels sick.
As if an disease lies upon it.
Is there no way around?
Not unless we go 200 miles north, or twice that distance... South.
Something moves is the shadows unseen.
Hidden from our sight.
Every day it grows in strength.
Beware the Necromancer...
He's not what he seems.
If our enemy has returned we must know.
Go to the tombs in the mountains.
The high fells.
So be it...
Not my horse, I need it.
- You're not leaving us.
- I would not do this unless I had to.
You've changed, Bilbo Baggins.
You're not the hobbit as one left the Shire.
I was going to tell you...
I found something in the goblin tunnels
Found what?
What did you find?
My courage.
Good.
You'll need it.
I'll be waiting for you at the over-look.
Before the slips of Erebor. Keep the map and key safe.
Do not enter that mountain without me.
This is not the Greenwood of old.
The very air of the forest is heavy, with illusion.
It'll seek to enter your mind, and lead you a strait
- Lead us a strait?
What does that mean?
You must stay on the path, do not leave it.
If you do, you'll never find it again.
No matter what comes, stay on the path!
- Come on we must reach the mountain before the sun sets on Durin's day.
- Let's go.
It's our one chance to find the hidden door.
The path turns this way.
This way.
Air... I need air!
My head, it's spinning, what's happening?
Keep moving. Dori? - Why Have we stopped?
- The path, it's disappeared.
- What's going on?
- We've lost the path.
Find it!
All of you, look...
Look for the path!
I don't remember this, none of it is familiar.
Attercop...
Look...
A tobacco pouch.
There's dwarves in these woods.
Dwarves from the blue mountains, this is exactly the same as mine.
Because it is yours. You understand?
We're going around in circles, we are lost.
We're not lost, we keep heading east.
But which way is east?
We've lost the sun.
The sun... We have to find the sun...
Up there. - We need to...!
What's that?
Enough!
Quiet! All of you...
We're being watched...
I can see a lake and a river, and the Lonely mountain!
We're almost there!
Can you hear me?
I know which way to go.
Hello?
Hello.
No, no!
Their hide is tough...
There's good juice inside...
- Stick it again, stick it again!
It's alive!
Kill 'em, kill 'em now, let us feast.
Feast...
Feast...
Feast...
What is it?
Fat and juicy...
Just a little taste.
Where is it?
Where is it?
Here.
It stings!
Stings!
Sting?
That's a good name.
Sting.
- Alright...
- Where's Bilbo?
- Bilbo. - I'm up here!
Where is it...
Where is it!
Where is it?
No!
Gloin kill him!
You die!
Mine.
Come on, keep up!
Do not think I won't kill you, dwarf.
It would be my pleasure.
- No! - Kili!
Throw me a dagger!
Quick!
You think I'm giving you a wapon, dwarf?
You're mistaking.
Search them.
Give it back! That's private!
Who is this?
Your brother?
That is my wife.
- And what is this horrid creature?
A goblin mutant? - That's my lad, Gimli.
Are the spiders dead?
Yes, but more will come.
They're growing bolder.
This is an ancient Elvish blade.
Forged by my kin.
Where did you get this?
It was given to me.
Not just a thief but a liar as well.
- Thorin where Bilbo? - Let's go!
Close the gate.
Aren't you going to search me?
- I could have anything down my trousers...
- Or nothing.
Why does the dwarf stare at you, Tauriel?
Who can say?
He's quite tall for a dwarf.
- Do you not think?
- Taller than some but no less ugly.
Leave it!
There is no way out.
These are the halls of the woodland realm.
No one leaves here but by the king consent.
Some may imagine a noble quest is at hand.
A quest to reclaim a homeland, and slay a dragon.
I myself suspect a more proseïc motive...
Attempted burglary, or something of that ilk.
You have found a way in.
You seek that which would be stole upon you the right to rule.
The king's jewel.
The Arkenstone.
It is precious to you beyond measure.
I understand that.
There are gems in the mountain that I too desire...
White gem's, pure starlight.
I offer you my help.
- I am listening.
- I will let you go.
If you but return what is mine.
A favor for a favor...
- You have my word.
One king to another.
I would not trust Thranduil, the great king, to honor his word, should the end of all days be upon us!
You have a lack of honor!
I've seen how you treat your friends.
We came to you once, starving, homeless, seeking your help.
But you turned your back. You turned away from the suffering of my people.
The infernal that destroyed us!
Do not talk to me of dragon fire. I know it's rot and ruin.
I have faced the great serpents of the north.
I warned your grandfather of what his greed would summon.
But he would not listen.
You are just like him.
Stay here if you will, and rot. A hundred year is a near blink in the life of an elf.
I'm patience. I can wait.
- Did he offer you a deal? - He did.
I've told he could go...
And can all his kin.
Well, that's that then.
The deal was our only hope.
Not our only hope.
I know you're there.
Why do you linger in the shadows?
I was coming to report to you.
I thought I ordered that nest to be destroyed not two months past.
We cleared the forrest as ordered my lord, but more spiders keep coming up from the south.
They are swarming from the ruins in Dol Guldur.
That fortress lies beyond our borders, keep our lands clear of those foul creatures.
And when we drive them of?
What then?
Will they not spread to other lands?
Other lands are not my concern.
The fortunes of the world will rise and fall.
But here in this kingdom we will endure.
Legolas said you fought well today.
He's grown very fond of you.
I assure you my lord, Legolas thinks of me as no more than a captain of the guard.
Perhaps he did once.
Now I'm not so sure.
I do not think you would allow your son to pledge himself to a lonely Sindrin elf.
No, you're right.
I would not.
Still, he cares about you.
Do not give him hope where there is none.
The gates are guarded.
Not all of them... Follow me!
The stone in your hand, What is it?
It is a talisman.
A powerfull spell lies upon it, if any but a dwarf reads the runes on the stone it would be forever cursed.
Or not...
Depending whether or not you believe in that kind of thing.
It's just a token.
A ruin stone.
My mother gave it to me so I'd remember my promise.
What promise?
That I will came back to her.
She worries.
She thinks I'm wreckless.
Are you?
Sounds like quite a party they're having up there.
It is Mereth Aderthad The feast of starlight.
All light is sacred to the Elda.
But woodelves love best, the light of the stars.
I always thought it is a cold light. Remote, and far away.
It is a memory.
Precious and pure.
Like your promise.
I have walked there sometimes beyond the forest and up into the night.
I've seen the world fall away. And the white light forever fill the air.
I saw a fire moon once...
It rose over the path near Dunland, it was huge.
Red and gold it was and it filled the sky.
We run an escort with some merchants from Ered Luin, they were trading in silver work.
We took the green way south.
Keep the mountains to our left. And then it appeared. This huge firemoon.
These empty barrels should have been sent back to Esgaroth hours ago.
The bargeman has been waiting for them.
Excelent tasty wine...
Come, Elros, try it.
- No, I have the dwarves in my charge.
They're locked up, where can they go?
I think that the sun is on the rise, must be nearly dawn.
We're never gonna reach the mountain, are we?
Not stuck in here, you're not.
Bilbo.
There are guards nearby.
- Come this way, Ori.
- Not that way, down here.
Easy thou.
This way...
Come on. - I dont believe it we're in their cellars!
You're supposed to lead out not, not further in.
- I know what I'm doing.
Come on, this way.
Everyone, into the barrels, quickly!
They'll find us.
- No, no, they won't! I promise you.
Please, you must trust me.
Do as he says.
What do we do now?
Hold your breath.
Hold my breath?
What do you mean?
Where is the keeper of the keys?
Welcome, master Baggins.
Come on, Let's go.
Hold on!
No! Help me.
Shut the gate!
Quick shut the gate!
Do not let them escape.
No!
Watch out!
Slay them all!
Get onto the bridge!
Kili!
Kili!
Kili.
Kill her! Kill the She-Elf!
Stop fighting! After them!
Killi?
Dori!
Come along!
Tauriel, wait!
Tis one we keep alive.
After them! Cut the off!
Oh it's you!
- Why am I here Gandalf?
Trust me, Radagast. I would not have called you here without good reason.
This is not a nice place to meet.
Not... It is not.
These are dark spells, Gandalf.
Old, and full of hate.
Who's buried here?
If he had a name, it's long since been lost.
He would have been known only, as a servant of evil.
One of a number.
One of nine.
Why now Gandalf?
I don't understand.
- The Ringwraiths have been summend to Dol Guldur. - But it can not be the Necromancer.
A human sorcerer could not sommun such evil.
Who said it wat human?
The Nine only answer to one master.
We've been blind, Radagast.
And in our blindness the enemy has returned.
He's summoning his servants.
Azog the Defiler is no ordinary hunter.
He's a commander. A commander of legions.
The enemy is preparing for war.
It will begin in the east. His mind it set upon that mountain.
We're you going?
- To rejoin the others
- Gandalf?
I started this we cannot forsake them, they all live in great danger.
- If what you say it true the world is in grave danger.
The power, in that fortress, will only grow stronger.
You want me to cast my friends aside?
- Anything behind us?
- Not that I can see!
- I think we've rode down the orc!
- Not for long. We've lost the current.
Bombur is half drowned!
Make for the shores!
Come on, let's go!
Come on.
Move.
I'm fine. It's nothing.
Get on your feet. - Kili's wounded. His leg needs binding.
There's an orc-pack on our tail. We keep moving.
- To where?
- To the mountain, we're so close.
A lake lies between us and that mountain.
We have no way to cross it.
- So the we go around.
- The orcs will run us down. As sure as daylight.
We have no wapons to defent ourselves.
Bind his leg, quickly.
We have two minutes.
Do it again, and you're dead!
Excuse me, but uhm...
You're from Laketown, if I'm not mistaking.
That barge over there, could it be available fore hire, by any chance?
What makes you think that would help you?
Those boots have seen better days. As has that coat.
No doubts you have some hungry mouths to feed.
How many?
A boy and two girls.
- And your wife, I imagine, she's a beauty.
Ay, she was.
- Oh sorry, I didn't mean to...
- Come on, enought of the niceties.
What's your hurry?
What's it to you?
I would like to know who you are.
What you are doing in these land.
We are simple merchants from the blue mountains.
Journeying to see our kin in the Iron hills.
Simple merchants, you say.
We need food, supplies, weapons.
Can you help us?
I know where these barrels came from.
...but I don't think it ended well.
No one enters Laketown but by lead of the master
All his welth comes from trade with the Woodland Realm.
He wouldn't see an alliance before risking the wrath of king Thranduil.
I wage there ways to enter that town unseen.
Ay...
But for that, you would need a smuggler.
For which we would pay double.
Keep moving! Such is the nature of evil.
Out there in the vast, ignorance of the world, it fastens and spreads.
A shadow that grows in the dark.
A sleepless malice as black as the oncoming wall of night.
So it ever was. So will it always be.
In time all foul thing come forth.
You were tracking a company of thirteen dwarves.
- Why?
- Not thirteen, not anymore.
The young one, the black head archer.
We stuck him with a morgul shaft.
The poison is in his blood. He'll be choking on it soon.
- Answer the question, filth.
- I do not answer to dogs, She-Elf!
I would not antagonise her.
You like killing things, Orc?
You like death?
- Then let me give it to you!
- Enough!
Tauriel, leave!
Go now!
I do not care about one dead dwarf. Answer the questions.
You have nothing to fear. Tell us what you know, and I will set you free.
You had all this to kill them. Why? What is Thorin Oakenshield to you?
The dwarf never rant never be king.
King? There is no king under the mountain, nor will there ever be.
None would dare enter Erebor whilts the dragon lives.
Your world will burn...
- What are you talking about?
Speak!
Our time, has come again.
My master serves the one.
Do you understand now, elfling?
Death is upon you.
The flames of war are upon you!
Why did you do that?
You promised to set him free.
And I did.
I freed his dreadful head from his miserable shoulders.
There was more the or could tell us.
There was nothing more he could tell me.
What did he mean by "the flames of war"?
It means they intend to unleash a weapon so great it wil destroy all before it.
I want the watch doubled to our borders, all roads, all rivers.
Nothing moves, but I hear of it.
No one enters this kingdom, and no one leaves it.
Close the gate!
Keep it sealed by order of the King.
What about Tauriel?
- What about hier?
- She went into the forest armed with her bow and blade.
She has not returned.
Dwarf blood!
They were here!
- There is another scent...
Man flesh!
They have found a way to cross the lake.
Watch out!
What are you trying to do?
Drown us? I was born and bred on these waters, master dwarf.
If I wanted to drown you, I would not do it here.
Oh I had enough of this lake-man.
Let's say we throw him over the side and be done with him.
No, Bard... His name is Bard.
How do you know?
- I asked him!
I don't care what he calls himself. I don't like him.
We do not have to like him, we simply have to pay him.
Come on now lads, turn out your pockets.
How do we know he won't betray us?
We don't.
There is uhm... A problem.
We're ten coins short.
Gloin, come on. Give us all you have.
Don't look to me...
I have been led dry by this venture.
And what have I seen for my investment?
None but misery and grief.
Blessed my beard...
Take it... Take all of it!
- The money, quick, give it to me.
- We wil pay you when we get out but not before.
If you value you freedom you do as I say.
There are guards ahead.
What's he doing?
He's talking to someone.
He's pointing right at us.
- Now they're shaking hands.
- What?
He's selling us out!
Quiet!
We're approaching the tollgate.
Hold!
Goods inspection!
Papers please.
- Oh, it's you Bard.
- Morning Percy.
Anything to declare?
Nothing! But I am cold and tired.
Ready for home.
There we are, all in order.
- Not so fast.
Consignment of empty barrels from the Woodland realm.
Only... They're not empty.
Are they, Bard?
If I recall correctly, you're licensed as a bargeman.
Not a fishermen.
That's none of your business!
No, it's the masters' business. Which makes it my business.
Come on Alfrid, have a heart. People need to eat.
These fish are illegal.
Empty the barrels over the side.
- You've heared them, in the canal.
Come on.
Folk in this town are struggling.
Times are hard. Food is scarce.
- That's not my problem.
But when the people hear the master is dumping fish back in the lake, when the rioting starts,
will it be your problem then?
Stop..
Ever the people's champion, ay, Bard?
Protector of the common folk.
You might have their favor now, bargeman, but it won't last.
Rise the gate!
The master has his eyes on you. You do well to remember.
We know where you live.
It's a small town, Alfrid, everyone knows where everyone lives.
All these talk of civil unrest. Someone has been stirring the pot, sire.
Cold playing up, sire? It's the damp.
It's the only possible explanation.
Get me a Brandy.
The mood of the people, sire, it's turning ugly.
They're commoners, Alfrid, they've always been ugly.
It's not my fault that they live in a place that stinks of fish oil and tar.
Jobs, shelter food, it's all they ever pleat about.
It's my blieve, sire, they're being led on by troublemakers.
Then we must find these troublemakers and arest them.
- My thought excactly, sire.
- And all this talk af change must be surpressed.
Can't afford te let them rebel band together and start making noises.
The next thing they do, they start asking questions, falling committees,
launching queries!
Out with the old, in with the new.
What?
That's what they've been saying, sire.
- There is even talk, of an election.
- An election?
That's absurd.
I don't think they'd ask you to stand, sire.
Rabble-rouser. Who would have the nerve to question my authority.
Who would dare?
Who...
Bard.
You mark my words, that trouble making bargeman is behind all this.
Get your hands off me.
You didn't see them. They were never here.
The fish you can have for nothing.
Follow me.
Dad, our house, it's being watched.
You can tell the master I'm done for the day.
Dad.
Where have you been?
Father, there you are. I was worried!
Yes, here. Bain, get them in.
If you speak of this to anyone, I'll rip your arms off.
Get off.
Up there!
Dad? Why are there dwarves climbing out of our toilet?
Will they bring us luck?
They may not be the best fit, but it'll keep you warm.
Thank you.
A dwarvish wind lance...
You look like you've seen a ghost.
He has, the last time we say such a weapon a city was on fire.
It was the day the dragon came.
The day that Smaug destroyed Dale.
Girion, the lord of the city rallied his bowman to fire upon the beast.
But a dragon hide is tough. Tougher than the strongest armour.
Only a black arrow, fired from a wind lance could have pierced the dragons hide.
And few of those arrows were ever made.
His stock was running low when Girion made his last stand.
If the aim of the man, would have been true that day uch would have been different.
You speak as if you were there.
All dwarves know the tale.
Then you would know that Girion hit the dragon.
He loosen a scale under the left wing. One more shot and he would have killed the beast.
That's a fairy story lad, nothing more.
You took our money.
Where are the weapons?
Wait here.
Tomorrow begins the last day of autumn.
- Durin's day falls morning after next.
We must reach the mountain before then.
And if we do not?
If we fail to find the hidden door before that time?
Then this quest has been for nothing.
What is this?
A pike hook. Made from an old harpoon.
And this?
- A crowbill, we call it fashion from a smithy's hammer
It's heavy in hand, but in defense of your life, these will serve you better than none.
We payed you for weapons.
Iron forged swordes and axes!
It's a joke.
You won't find better outside the city armoury. All iron forged weapons are held there witch lock and key. Thorin,
Why don't we take this offer and go?
I have done with less, so have you.
I say we leave now.
- You're not going anywhere.
What did you say?
There's spies wathing this house and probably every dog and wolf in the town.
You must wait till nightfall.
Thorin?
Dad?
Don't let them leave.
I thought you were an Orc.
If I were an orc you would be dead.
Tauriel,
You can not hunt thirty orcs on your own.
But I'm not on my own.
You knew I would come.
The king is angry Tauriel. For six hundred years my father has protected you.
Favorited you.
You deviate his orders.
You betrayed his trust.
Come back with me he will forgive you.
But I will not.
If I go back, I will not forgive myself.
The king has never let orc filth from our lands... That he would let this orc pack cross our borders and kill our prisoners.
It is not our fight.
- It is our fight.
It will not end here.
With every victory this evil will grow.
If your father has his way, we will do nothing. We will hide within our walls, live our lives awayfrom the light.
And let the darkness descend.
Are we not part of this world?
Tell me, friend, when did we let evil become stronger than us?
Hello Bard, where are you after?
There was a tapestry, an old one. Where is it gone?
- What tapestry are you talking about?
This one.
There were dwarves I tell you, apeared out of nowhere. Full beards, their size. I've never seen them like.
What are dwarves doing in these parts?
It's the prophecy.
- Prophecy? The prophecy of Durin's folk.
Prophecy?
Prophecy.
The old tales will come true... - Vast halls of treasure!
Can it really be true?
Has the lord of silver fountains returned?
The lord of silver fountains, the king of carven stone.
The king beneath the mauntain, shall come into his own.
And the bells shall ring in gladness at the mountain kings return.
But all shall fail in sadness and the lake will shine and burn.
Dad, I tried to stop them. - How long have they been gone?
Keep it down...
As soon as we have the weapons, we make straight for the mountain.
Go, go, go.
You're right?
- I can manage.
Let's just get out of here.
Run!
What is the meaning of this?
We caught the stealing weapons, sire.
Enemies of the state.
I gues they're a bunch of mercenaries, if ever there was, sire.
Hold your tongue.
You do not know to whom you speak.
This is no common criminal this is Thorin, son of Thrain, son of Thror.
We are the dwarves of Erebor.
We have come, to reclaim our homeland.
I remember this town in the great days of old.
Fleets of boats lay at harbour, filled with silks and fine jems.
This way no forsaken town on a lake, this was the center of all trade in the north.
I would see those days return.
Do we, like the great forgers of the dwarves,... send welths and riches flowing once more from the halls of Erebor.
Death!
That is what you'll bring upon us.
Drago fire, and ruin.
If you awaken that beast, it will destroy us all.
You can listen to this naysayer, but I promise you this.
If we succeed all will share in the welth of the mountain.
You will have enough gold te rebuilt Esgaroth ten times over!
All of you, listen to me!
You must listen.
Have you forgotten what hapenned to Dale?
Have you forgotten those who died in the firestorm?
And for what purpose?
The blind ambition of a mountain king.
So riven by grief, he can not see beyond his own desire!
We must not, any of us, be to quick to lay blame.
Let us not forget that it was Girion, lord of Dale, your ancestor who failed to kill the beast!
It's true, sire, we all know the story.
Arrow after arrow he shot.
Each one, missin it's mark.
You have no right no right to enter that mountain.
I have the only right.
I speak to the master of the men of the lake.
Will you see the prophecy fulfilled?
Will you share the great welth of our people?
What say you?
I say onto you welcome!
Welcome, embrace, welcome, king under the mountain!
You do know we're one short?
Where's Bofur?
If he's not here, we leave him behind.
We'll have to. If we want to find the door before nightfall. We can risk no more delays.
Not you.
We must travel at speed, you will slow us down.
What are you talking about?
I'm coming with you. Not now.
I'm going to be there when that door is opened.
When we first loop upon the halls of our fathers... - Kili...
Stay here.
Rest. Join us when you're healed.
I'm staying with the lad, my duty lies with the woonded.
Uncle?
We grew up with tales of the mountain.
Tales you told us.
You can not take that away from him.
Fili - I will carry him if i must!
One day you will be king and you will understand.
I can not rist the third of this quest for the sake of one dwarf.
Not even my own kin.
Fili, don't be a fool.
You belong with the company.
I belong with my brother.
By my beard... Is that the Time?
No!
Did you missed the boat as well?
Kili?
I'm done with dwarves.
Go away.
No one will help us. Kili is sick.
He's very sick.
What is this place?
It was once the city of Dale.
The Desolation of Smaug.
The sun will soon reach midday.
We mus find the hidden door in the mountain before it sets.
This way. Wait, is this the over-look?
Gandalf said to meet him here...
Did you see him? We have no time to wait upon the wizard.
We're on our own.
Dol Guldur...
The hill of sorcery.
It look completely abandoned.
As is it ment to.
A spell of concealment lies upon this place.
Which means our enemy is not yet ready to reveal himself.
He has not regained his full strength.
Radagast, I need you to carry a message to the lady Galadriel.
Tell her we must force his hand.
What do you mean?
I'm going in alone. On no account come after me.
Do I have your word?
- Yes, yes, yes, yes.
Wait Gandalf!
What if it's a trap?
- Turn around and do not come back.
It's undoubtedly a trap.
The evil that is hidden here...
I command it come forth! I command it reveal itself!
The Wizard has come.
He is lifting the spell... He will find us!
Yes... he will.
Anything?
- Nothing!
If the map is true, the hidden door lies directly above us.
Up here!
You have keen eyes, master Baggins.
This must be it.
The hidden door.
For all those who doubted us... Rule this day!
Right! Whe have a key...
Which mean that somewhere, there is a keyhole.
The last light of Durin's day
Will shine upon the keyhole.
We're losing the light, come on!
Be quiet.
Can't hear when you're stomping!
It's not here!
Break it down.
Come on.
It has to break.
- It's no good.
The door is sealed can't be opened by force.
There is powerful magic on it.
No.
The list light of Durin's day will shine upon the keyhole.
That's what is says.
What did we miss?
What did we miss, Balin?
There is no more to be done.
We had but one chance.
Come in, it's all fine.
Wait a minute...
Where are they going?
You can't give uo now!
Thorin?
You can't give op now.
Stand by the grey stone when the thrush knocks.
The setting sun and the last light of Durin's day will shine.
The last light?
The last light.
The last light!
The keyhole!
Come back!
Come back!
It's the light of the moon! The last moon of autumn!
Where's the key? Where's the...
It was here?
It was just...
Erebor...
Thorin...
I know these walls...
These halls.
The stone.
Do you remeber it, Balin?
Chmbers filled with golden light.
I have a memory.
Here in lies the seventh kingdom of Durin's folk.
May the hart of the mountain unite all dwarves in defense of this home.
THe throne of the king...
And what's that above it?
The Arkenstone.
Arkenstone?
And what's that?
That, master burglar is why you're here.
Can you not do something? - I need herbs.
Something to bring down his fever.
We have nightshade, some feverfew.
They are no use to me, do you have any kingsfoil?
No, it's a weed, we feed it to the piggs.
Weed...
Don't move.
You want me, to find the jewel?
A large white jewel, yes.
That's it?
I imagine there's quite a few down there.
There is only one Arkenstone.
And you'll know it when you see is.
Right.
In thruth lad I do not know what you'll find down there.
You don't need to go if you don't want to.
There's no dishonour in turning back.
I promised I would do this.
And I think I must try.
It never seizes to amaze me.
- What's that?
- The courage of Hobbits.
Go now. Get as much luck as you can muster.
Oh and Bilbo...
If there is in fact a life dragon down there,
don't waken it.
You have come too late, Wizard!
It is done.
Where is your master?
Where is he?
He is everywhere...
We are legion!
It is over.
Run him down.
There is no light, Wizard that can defeat darkness.
Arkenstone... Arkenstone...
A large white jewel.
Very helpfull.
Well, thief...
I smell you... I hear your breath.
I feel your air.
Where are you? Where are you?
Come now, do not be shy.
Step into the light.
There is something about you...
Something you carry.
Something made of gold.
But far more precious.
There you are, a thief in the shadows.
I did not come to steal from you.
Oh Smaug, the inaccessibly welthy.
I nearly wanted to gaze upon your magnificence.
To see if you really were as great as the old tales say.
And do you now?
Truly...
The tales and songs fall utterly short, of you enormity.
Oh Smaug, the stupendous. Do you think flattery will keep you alive?
No...
No, indeed.
You seem familiar with my name.
But I do not remember smelling your kind before.
Who are you?
And where do you come from?
May I ask?
I...
I come from under the hill...
Under hill?
And under hills and over hills my path has led.
And through the air, I'm he who walks unseen.
Impressive, what else do you claim to be?
I am...
Luckwearer...
Riddlemaker!
- Lovely titles...
Go on.
- Barrelrider.
Barrels? Now that is intresting.
And what about your little dwarf friends?
Where are they hiding?
Dwarfes?
No...
No, no Dwarfes here.
You've got that all wrong.
- Oh I don't think so. Barrelrider.
They send you in here to do their dirty work, while they skulk around uitside.
Truly, you are mistaking, oh Smaug, chiefest and greatest of all calamities.
You have nice manners. For a thief and a liar!
I know the smell and taste Dwarf. No one better.
It is the gold, they are drawn to treasure like flies to dead flesh.
Did you think I would not know this day would come?
That a pack of dwarves would come crawling back to the mountain?
- That, my lad was a dragon.
- Dad?
- It's coming from the mountain.
You should leave us, take your children, Get out of here.
And go where?
The is nowhere to go.
Are we going to die dad?
- No, darling.
The dragon, it's going to kill us.
Not if I kill it first.
The king under the mountain is dead. I took his throne.
I ate his people, like a wolf among sheep.
I kill where I wish, when I wish.
My armour is iron!
No blade can pierce me.
A black arrow, why did you never tell me?
- Cause you did not need to know.
Listen to me carefully. I need you to distract the guards.
Once I'm at the top of the tower, I'll set the arrow to the bow.
There is her! Bard!
- After him!
Quickly, donw there.
Go!
Bain...
Keep it safe. Don't let anyone find it.
I'll deal with them.
- I won't leave you
Braga...
- You're under arrest.
On what charge?
- Any charge the master choses.
What about Bilbo?
- Give him more time.
Time to do what?
To be killed?
You're afraid.
- Yes, I'm afraid.
I fear for you. A sickness lies upon that treasure court.
A sickness which drove your grandfather mad.
- I am not my grandfather.
You're not yourself.
The Thorin I know would not hesitate to go in there.
I will not risk this quest for the life of one burglar.
Billbo. His name is Bilbo.
It's Oakenshield... That filthy dwarfish unsurper.
He sent you in here for the arkenstone, didn't he?
No.
I don't know what you're talking about.
Don't bother denying it. I guessed his foul purpose some time ago.
But it matters not.
Oakenshield's quest -
A darkness is coming.
It will spread to every corner of the land.
You have been used, thief in the shadows. You were only ever a means to an end.
The coward Oakenshield has weighted the value of your life.
Found it worth nothing.
No.
No, you're lying.
What did he promise you?
A share of the treasure?
As if it was his to give. I will not part with a single coin.
Not one piece of it.
My teeth are swords, my claws are spear.
My wings, are a hurricane.
So it is true.
- The black arrow found it's mark.
- What did you say?
I was just saying, your reputation proceeds you. Oh Smaug the Tyrannical.
Truly. You have no equal on this earth.
I am almost tempted to let you take it.
If only to see Oakenshield suffer.
Watch it corrupt his arms and drive him mad.
But I think not, I think our little game ends here.
So tell me thief...
How do you choose to die?
Da'? Is that you da'?
No!
Okaneshield has gone!
Fall back!
Regroup on the bridge!
You killed them all.
There are others. Tauriel -
Come.
We are losing him.
Dahlia.
Atheros.
Atheros.
What are you doing?
I'm going to save him.
- You're alive.
- Not for much longer.
- Did you find the Arkenstone?
- The dragon's coming!
Did you find it?
Yeah, we should get out.
Thorin.
Thorin!
You will burn!
- Come on!
- Come on, Bilfur!
Come on.
Hold him down.
- We've given him to the slip.
- No, he's still coming for that.
- So where to now?
- The western guard room.
- There may be a way out.
- It's too high
- There's no chance that way
- It's our only chance.
We'll have to try.
I care to tell of the wonders of elvish medicine.
That was a priviledge to witness.
Tauriel.
Lie still.
You cannot be her.
She is far away.
She is far, far away from me.
She walks in starlight in another world.
And it was just a dream.
Do you think she could've love me?
- That's it then.
- There's no way out.
The last of our kin.
They must've come here, hoping to beyond hope.
We could try to reach the mines.
Might last a few days.
No.
I will not like this.
Cowering. Clawing for breath
- We make for the forges.
- You're serious?
- We're as sure as dead.
- Not if we split up.
Thorin, we'll never make it.
Some of us might.
Lead him to the fortress.
We kill the dragon.
If this is to end with fire, then we will burn together.
This way!
Flee!
Flee!
Run for your lives!
There is nowhere to hide.
Behind you!
Come on!
Run!
Hey you! Here!
Send word to Dol Guldur...
Oakenshield has reached the mountain!
Go!
You! Come with me.
This way!
Come on!
Thorin!
Follow Balin!
Come on!
Thorin!
Hold on!
Come on!
Go!
The plan's not gonna work. These furnaces are stone gold.
He's right. We've no fire hot enough to set in a blaze.
Have we not?
I do not look to see you so easily outwitted!
You have grown slow and fat.
In your dotage. Slug!
Take cover!
Bombur! Get those pillows working!
Go!
Bilbo! Up there. On my mark, pull that lever.
- Balin, can you still mix a blast flame?
- Alright. Come on!
We don't have much time.
Pass the spell power!
Make sure you know what you're doing!
Come on!
Now!
We head for the Gallery of the Kings.
Keep going, Billbo!
You think can decieve me -
Barrel rider?
You have come from lake town.
This is some sort of scheme between these filty dwarves and those miserable lakemen.
Those sniveling cowards with their long bows and black arrows.
- Perhaps the time I paid them a visit.
- Oh no!
This isn't their fault! Wait! You cannot go to Laketown!
You care about them?
Do you?
Good.
Then you can watch them die!
Here!
You witless worm!
- You.
- I am taking back what you stole.
You will take nothing from me, dwarf.
I laid low your warriors of old.
I am still terror in the hearts of men.
I am King Under the Mountain!
This is not your kingdom. These are dwarf lands.
This is dwarf gold.
And we will have our revenge.
Preparing for your death!
I'm going to die?
Amazing! I will show you revenge!
Listen to me!
Do you not know what is coming?
I am fire.
I am death!
What have we done?
Mr. Butler, you're an openly gay candidate running against a man who has very strong family values.
How do you think that's going to affect your campaign?
I have strong family values as well.
It's just that my definition of family is slightly different.
I can't believe how far Elliot has come since I knew him in college.
Back then he was this scrawny little bitchy queen.
But now he's this hot Daddy Bear running for City Council and living in this huge house.
Seriously, if I knew back then what I know now,
I totally would have given him that hand job he asked for at Student Orientation.
What are you doing, Wood?
I'm shooting a documentary for Elliot's campaign.
Wood, Elliot's over there by the way.
Yeah, I know.
His crotch is on fire!
Oh dear God.
He's staring at me again.
Who?
Hot Daddy Bear. Two o'clock.
He should be arrested for some of the thoughts he's having about me.
Reggie, I hate to break it to you.
But he's not staring at you.
He's staring at me.
Oh, please!
That's my ex. Ivan.
Your ex?
The one who broke your heart?
Did you know he was coming here today?
Yes.
And you didn't warn me?
He's heading this way.
I was waiting for the right moment to tell you.
I didn't want you making a scene.
Me?
Cause a scene?
When have I ever caused a scene?
Where is this coming from?
What's his problem?
I mean what's he doing here?
Who invited him anyway?
I did.
You?
Todd, how could you do that?
You know me seeing him here would be incredibly upsetting.
I was trying to help you.
He's kind of his big shot casting director so I thought if you two met...
Casting director?
Oh my God!
Casting director?
Talk about burying the lead, Todd!
Oh my God!
I have to go over there and apologize!
Apologize?
That would be a first.
Excuse me.
Ivan, is it?
Nelson Dorkoff.
I'm really sorry about that little mishap over there.
You probably recognize me from my work.
I am the go to guy for the befuddled adult roles on Disney Channel shows.
Thank you.
Actually I did do a small dramatic role in a Lifetime movie where I played the father of a bulemic teenager named Kaley.
Here is my big scene.
Kaley, listen to me.
You don't have to barf to be beautiful
Daddy loves you just the way you are, honey.
Come here, baby.
Come to Daddy.
And scene. I have my reel on my phone if you'd like to watch it.
No thanks.
I'd rather stick needles in my balls. If you don't mind.
If you think of anything I might be right for in the future...
Sure.
If I'm ever casting anything about an insecure, overweight, untalented gay guy whose much hotter much younger boyfriend is about to leave him for his ex,
I'll be sure to give you a fucking call!
Wow!
Hey there.
We haven't met yet. I'm Jeremy Richards.
Oh my God!
You are adorable.
Please tell me you are one of these super rich donors with his own private jet who is going to whisk me off to Paris for dinner after this lame party.
Actually I'm here trying to get Elliot's support for a project I'm starting in Haiti.
Really?
Is it one of those all inclusive resorts where you can drink all the free booze you want?
No.
Actually it's a non-profit.
Building homes for orphans.
Oh.
So they allow kids?
Nice package, right?
Hey, did you guys buy your raffle tickets yet?
First prize is a weekend getaway to Big Bear and the more tickets we buy the better chance we have of winning!
Not now, Wood.
I need some face time with Elliot.
Shit.
Doesn't look like things went too well over there.
Things are going very well over here.
Marcus Martinez.
Hi.
I'm Wood Burns.
I can see that.
I'm a big Colt fan.
So you single?
Well, I'm sort of seeing...
Fuck it.
I don't care.
Where do you think you're going?
Inside to see Elliot.
Supporters can have access to the candidate after he's delivered his speech.
I am not just a supporter.
Elliot and I went to college together.
Oh is it?
Wow.
I didn't know he was that old.
He really takes care of himself.
Listen, Slumdog, maybe if you were a millionare I'd actually be listening to right now.
Step one foot in that house and I'll call security.
(text alert)
Elliot?
I came as soon as I got your message.
Elliot?
Oh Jesus!
Oh my God!
Elliot!
Elliot!
What happened?
Help!
Somebody please get in here!
Du--
Don't try to talk.
Don't try to talk.
Dumbo.
Help!
Get in here please! Somebody!
He's been shot!
Call 911!
What the fuck did you do to him?
I didn't do anything!
Just call 911!
That was awesome!
Wait.
Yeah?
I'm right here.
I'm right outside the house.
Okay.
I'm on it.
Wood, I'm Detective Martinez.
I work at the Silver Lake precinct.
Hit me up.
All right? I've got to go.
Detective.
Oh my God.
I'm dating two hot detectives.
I'm more of a whore than Reggie!
I can not believe this is happening.
This is so humiliating.
Your ex just said he's going to try to break the two of us up.
He told you that?
Well, not in so many words.
But he strongly implied it.
Forgive me for being nervous but you said when he left you it took you over a year to get over him.
That's in the past.
I'm with you now so you have nothing to be worried about.
I know.
I know.
It's just sometimes I...
Oh my God!
What?
I think I just saw Cyril across the pool.
Cyril?
Yes!
Cyril!
That's impossible.
Cyril's in prison.
Is he?
Do you remember that mysterious Santa Claus?
He showed up out of the blue at our Christmas party last December?
So fess up.
Who are you?
Ho.
Ho.
Ho.
Don't give me any ho ho ho, asshole.
Who the hell are you?
I never told anybody this but I am almost certain it was Cyril.
Nelson, baby, that sounds a little crazy.
I know.
I know. It is.
It's just that whenever I hear you talking about your ex it makes me kind of crazy.
Well, when you get crazy that's when we fight.
So let's skip the fighting part and skip to the part where we make out and make up and all that good stuff.
I like that.
I like that. Okay
Oh hey!
Hairy Potter!
Hey, Wood, how have you been?
I've been good.
How is Susie?
I don't know. I don't care.
She got arrested for sexual harassment.
I'm County Coroner now.
My dancing days are over.
Come on!
Once more for old time's sake?
I think it's your turn now.
Come on.
Show me some moves.
Show me your monkey.
Show me your sexy bouncing monkey.
Oh yeah.
Like this?
Yeah, that's hot.
Old school eighties. I love the eighties.
Keep going.
Oh yeah.
What's going on?
Someone got murdered inside the house!
I've got to get in there!
Oh my God!
What is the deal with us and people getting murdered?
There does seem to be a pattern developing here.
Well, at least we're out here.
We can't be considered suspects.
Where's Reggie?
Ambulance got here too late.
He's dead.
It's a GSW to the stomach.
(off screen) I'm going in!
Don't try to stop me!
I have to see if my friend is okay!
Oh my God!
Reggie!
Reggie!
Nelson!
Thank God!
I thought you were dead!
Nelson, they think I did it!
They think I shot Elliot!
I'm only asking him a few questions.
This is like an episode of CSI.
Only a really hot gay porn version.
Dude.
Reggie, what happened?
I came in and I saw him lying on the floor.
He had been shot.
He grabbed me and he whispered something in my ear and then he just died.
Did the victim say anything?
Dumbo.
Does Dumbo mean anything to you?
Oh yeah!
I had it one time in New Orleans over Mardi Gras.
It was delicious!
It's made with rice and shrimp and sausage...
Not gumbo, you twit!
Dumbo!
And I have no idea what it means.
I'm sorry but we're going to have to take you to the precinct for more questioning.
Reggie, don't worry!
They can't arrest you!
They have nothing on you!
You'll be back by Happy Hour! I hope the questioning doesn't last all
I hope the questioning doesn't last all night.
I know, Poor Reggie.
Look at him.
No.
Me and Detective Martinez are going to hook up later!
I was so nervous.
I kept stammering.
I know he thought I was acting suspicious.
Reggie, you have nothing to worry about.
You're totally innocent.
Well, he was standing over the body.
He's right.
I was.
Yeah, but Elliot Butler was shot and there was no gun found at the scene.
He could've hid it before the detectives got there and they just haven't found it yet.
If they had anything on him, they would've arrested him and not let him come home.
Stop it.
You know, they could be giving Reggie a false sense of security.
Let him think he's off the hook and then he slips up and they nail him.
Shut up Wood!
You're upsetting him.
No.
Wood is right.
This is not going to end well.
I am going to prison for a crime I did not commit.
Omigod!
I will be the most popular inmate there.
All those big, hairy convicts are going to want to have sex with me.
I will get no writing done because of the gang bangs in the shower, in my cell, in the laundry room.
Remind me again why I don't want to go to prison?
Would you stop?
This is serious.
Prison rape isn't funny.
Who said anything about rape?
I'm totally willing!
I still don't get it.
What was Elliot trying to say to you?
Dumbo? What's it mean?
Dumbo?
Maybe he was trying to finger Wood as the killer.
Did I just say that out loud?
I'm sorry.
I do that sometimes and don't even know it.
I don't know.
I hate Disney cartoons.
Except for Aladdin because Arab men make me so hard!
Are you saying you get sexually aroused by an animated character that's basically jail bait?
Not the kid with the magic carpet.
The hot daddy who's chasing him around trying to kill him.
Jafar.
Look at those.
Those are two interesting pieces.
You like these?
I just did them the other week. I found some paints.
I was just messing around.
This one's me and this one's you.
I mean this one's you and this one's me.
So what do you think?
Wow.
It's like Christmas morning.
Who knew you had so much stuff?
It's kind of great though, right?
We're finally moving in together after all this time talking about it.
So what do you think?
Above the bed?
Dresser?
Above the bed.
Alright.
You've got it.
That way I won't have to look at it while we're having sex.
Only if you avoid certain positions.
I'll get it.
Those would haunt me in my sleep.
Call me Chad.
I think we're way past the point of being formal.
Detective Martinez!
You know each other.
We're partners.
Partners!
Wow.
Partners!
What a coincidence!
Partners!
How cool!
Can we come in?
Yeah, come on in.
So I'm in the clear?
You're not here to arrest me?
No.
The test we did on your hands came back negative.
There was no gun residue so there was no way you could have shot him.
Thank God!
I'm not going away twenty years for murder!
No, you're not.
What's up with you guys and dead bodies anyway?
Excuse me, guys.
Officers. Morning.
I must say, you're looking particularly handsome today, Wood.
Isn't he?
He hasn't changed a bit.
He looks just like he did in 1998.
I can't tell you how many times I jerked off to his picture in college.
Me too.
In high school.
My mother could never figure out why we kept running out of Kleenex.
Are you two here to brief us or to audition for Raging Stallion?
Hey!
Look here.
Eyes here!
Hey you!
We searched Elliot Butler's house and found a very extensive Disney collection.
Dumbo was probably his favorite movie.
Whose dying words are to tell everyone their favorite movie?
That doesn't make any sense.
Leave the investigating to the professionals, okay, Mr. Hatch?
I think we're done here.
For now.
Thank you, Officers. That was very informative.
Not.
Did you remember to get the parmesan cheese?
Sorry. I forgot.
Babe, Wednesday night is Spaghetti night was your idea.
I just got home from an out of town case.
I can't remember everything.
I know.
Your mother is right.
You're way too good for me.
I am not relying on Crockett and Tubbs to solve Elliot's murder.
Come on, they can't even pick up the clues that they're both fooling around with Wood.
Elliot was my friend and I am going to get to the bottom of this.
Now, it's pretty obvious he had sex right before somebody shot him.
How do you know that?
He probably sniffed his penis before the cops showed up.
Gross.
I found this at the crime scene and I slipped it my pocket when the detective wasn't looking in case it's an important clue and could clear my name if they charge me.
Wait a minute.
Isn't that evidence tamponing?
I was facing murder charges, Nelson.
Forgive me for being a little desperate.
What the hell is this thing anyway?
Come on. Everybody knows.
This is a Titanium XXX limited edition ball stretcher that you can only get at the Stock Room.
I didn't know that.
Did you?
Of course.
A Titanium XXX limited edition ball stretcher.
From the Stock Room?
Vanilla.
Welcome to Stock Room.
May I help you?
Yes.
We were wondering if you might be able to tell us who bought this?
It's a ball stretcher.
I'm not very familiar with the inventory at the Stock Room.
I only work here part time to raise money for my church to go to Europe and tour famous cathedrals.
You couldn't have just applied for a job at Starbucks?
Oh no.
My religion forbids me to be even near caffeine.
But it's okay to work here?
The store must keep sales records.
Would you mind if we take a quick peek?
I do not think the owner would approve.
We would be happy to contribute to your trip.
Wouldn't we guys?
Wood, give her twenty bucks.
Me?
Why do I have to give her money?
We know how much that stupid web cam show of yours makes?
No more free rides.
Pay her.
Fine.
There you go.
They keep the book in back.
So I will take you there.
Only one can come.
Other two wait to see if owner come.
I'll go.
I'll be back in a minute.
I don't know about that thing.
It's ribbed.
It feels pretty good.
I've done that one before.
I've done that.
I've done that.
What haven't you shoved up your ass?
Seriously, why would anybody spend money on nipple clamps when you can buy clothes pins for a fraction of the price at Costco.
I don't get it.
Reggie sure has been back there a long time.
I'm going to go check on him.
Hi there, Welcome to the Stockroom.
I don't really work here.
I've never even been to a store like this.
Don't get me wrong.
I'm not a prude.
I like sex.
Shut up bitch!
Show us the butt plugs.
Butt plugs.
Aisle three I think.
Reggie?
Reggie?
What the hell are they doing back there?
Guys?
Come on you guys, this isn't funny!
Hey guys?
Hey church girl.
Where is everybody?
(moaning)
Reggie, is that you?
(moaning)
What the fuck is going on here?
Put this on!
I thought I told you to wait outside!
Get that shirt off!
Do not disobey Mistress Lena or you will be punished like your friends here.
Mistress Lena?
Really?
What's with the outfit and the voice?
I can't believe you feel for that meek Asian stereotype.
It proves that you are a racist pig.
You've got to be kidding me.
Do I look like I'm kidding?
Stop.
Stop. Please stop.
I will stop when I am ready to stop!
Get down!
Oh, don't worry Sasquatch.
I didn't forget about you.
It's kind of like Wheel of Fortune, isn't it?
Except there's no fortune and I can zap your nutsuck whenever I feel like it.
Does your church group know that you talk like this?
They probably don't like it.
Did I say you could speak?
Get down!
This has all been really very entertaining and strangely elaborate.
I didn't know we were in for this.
We're not into the whole BDSM thing, okay?
We are just here for some information from your books.
All right.
How about this?
Two of you can go look at my books if one of you will stay and take this.
He'll do it!
Okay, according to the records. There were only two Titanium Triple X Limited Edition Ball Stretcher sold in this store.
The first one was to...
Betty White?
Surely it's not the same one, right?
The second one was to...
Mo Kapoor!
Elliot Butler's Chief of Staff!
I knew it!
I knew he was acting suspicious.
You know what I think? I think Mo and Elliot were sexually involved and something went horribly wrong in the relationship and Mo killed him in a crime of passion.
What do you want to do, Nancy Boy Drew?
We need to investigate him!
Well, we know that he is pretty kinky cause of the ball stretcher.
And we also know that he is into leather.
Cause look at all the stuff he's bought through the years.
And where do all the leather queens go on a Friday night?
Faultline!
Okay, let's head out.
I feel like we're forgetting something.
No.
I don't think so.
(muffled screams)
I look ridiculous!
No, baby.
You look fucking hot.
And this gay rooster rubber queen thing is not happening!
Fine!
If you don't want to fit in.
Well, I look fantastic in mine!
Thank you Wood for getting these costumes from Mistress Lena.
You're welcome.
But I never want to see a power tool ever again!
Okay guys.
The three of us will fan out and see if we can find him.
Got it.
What about me?
What do I do?
You're hot.
You're the best chance we have of getting a free round of drinks.
Okay.
Go.
Hey there.
I was hoping to run into you.
Kevin, right?
Jeremy.
So close.
I didn't get a chance to give you my phone number at the pool party.
Well, I was a little distracted you know.
Getting hauled off for questioning in another murder investigation.
It's really starting to become a habit.
I was wondering if you would be interested in going out.
Yes! Absolutely!
You know what?
We could go around the corner to the Mobil Station in the back.
Nobody will ever see us there.
I meant on a date.
Oh. Well, there's a kabob cart out front if you want to get something to eat first.
You know, you're a good guy.
I like you Reggie.
I just don't think we should rush into anything.
I kind of want it to be special.
Yeah.
Listen, I'm a little busy right now but definitely call me.
Wait.
I didn't give you my... number.
Hello.
Who's hand is that?
Two weeks ago you wanted me to frisk you.
It turned into a hot game of reach around.
Detective Winters!
Seriously?
I've sucked your dick.
It's Chad.
You big furball.
You make my dick so hard.
Here you go partner.
Wood!
I didn't know you came to leather night.
I do.
So you guys are sharing a beer after work?
I don't feel awkward at all.
Can I have a beer?
Any luck?
No.
And I'm chafing.
Hey, who was that guy?
He was cute.
Jeffrey?
No wait.
Jimmy?
Who cares?
He's one of those.
One of what?
You know.
One of those mushy, annoying
I don't want to have sex until the third date kind of guys.
Please.
He's practically a lesbian.
Who's got time for that? Moving on.
Why are you so turned off by anyone who wants more than sex?
Nelson, can we skip the whole Reggie, you're so shallow speech, please?
We're here on a mission.
Okay, fine.
I won't say anymore.
Besides, he works for a non profit and we both know what that means.
What?
We go on a romantic weekend getaway we're flying coach.
Hey!
That's him!
Mo Kapoor!
Come on.
What do you two want?
We want to ask you a few questions about your relationship with Elliot Butler.
I want a blow job from the hairy hunk manning the door but we don't always get what we want, do we?
We're not going anywhere.
Oh, I think you are.
Meet my friends, Bert and Ernie.
The name thing?
It's just a coincidence really.
They met last week at a circle jerk.
Move.
Be gentle boys.
We were just leaving.
You guys got a problem?
No, small fry.
You have the problem.
Get the fuck out of here.
Okay, that was really...
Brave?
No.
Scary.
Don't get me wrong Todd.
I appreciate you swooping in and rescuing us but...
But what?
I hate to mention it after all this time but do you remember when we were in Palm Springs and I thought you were a killer and I bashed you over the head with my laptop?
It's kind of hard to forget.
In fact, the doctor says I may have short term memory loss cause of that.
Well, during our argument you said something about two aggravated assault charges and I was wondering maybe after all this time you might want to elaborate on all that?
I would rather just leave it in the past where it belongs if you don't mind.
And I totally respect your wishes. I do.
But you're going to ask anyway.
Yeah.
All right.
I grew up in South Phillie. .
I had uncles in the family.
I was in a gang.
And things happened.
I know what the inside of jail cell looks like.
I'm not proud of that.
But it's behind me now and I've moved on.
You were in a gang?
Matt Damon and Ben Affleck were in a Boston gang and now they're both Academy Award winners.
Well, I actually do get it.
I was in a gang too in high school.
Please.
West Side Story doesn't count.
Sharks or the Jets?
Jets.
I knew it.
Are you satisfied?
Are you still freaked out?
No.
I'm not freaked out. Really.
I'm fine.
I'm going to use the bathroom if you don't mind.
I'm freaked out.
Oh God!
Here he comes again.
You deal with him.
What?
What do you want me to say to him?
Hey there.
Hey.
I got a drink for your friend Reggie.
Is he coming back?
Probably not.
But you know what?
I'm not going to let this go to waste.
I saw your boyfriend come to your aid just now.
Oh you mean Jason Bourne?
That's what I want.
Someone to watch out for me.
Look, you seem like a really sweet guy.
He may come around. He just needs a little time.
But don't put a timetable on it.
Because he's kind of a whore.
Thanks, Todd.
Cyril!
Miss me?
How did you get out?
They gave you twenty years.
You have no idea what it's like on the inside, Nelson.
They tell you when to eat.
Oh God!
They tell you when to sleep.
Oh God!
They tell you when to shower.
It's all very emasculating.
There must have been a bright side.
I hear they have an excellent arts and crafts program.
You could have learned a skill, Cyril.
Think about your future.
I was just a number with no balls!
Now it's time to return the favor.
What?
Oh God no!
No!
Baby! Baby!
Calm down. What's wrong?
Are you okay?
It was Cyril.
Somehow he escaped.
He was trying to kill me again.
Baby it was just a dream.
Okay? You're fine.
Cyril is locked up.
He's never going to hurt you again.
I promise. Okay?
What's so funny?
Oh, baby.
You wouldn't get it.
What do you mean I wouldn't get it?
Trust me.
You won't get it.
Come on.
Tell me.
I mean if you guys get it, I'll get it.
We were talking about the Octo Mount Tango.
I don't get it.
It's a sexual position.
What is it?
It's kind of hard to explain.
Well, try me.
I'm feeling kind of horny.
Why don't you take me into the bedroom and teach it to me?
Are you done?
Boy, you three sure are getting along.
I thought there might be a period of adjustment with Todd moving in but you three seem to be getting along famously.
Good for you.
What is wrong with you today?
He's fine he's just in a bit of a mood because he had a bad dream last night about Cyril breaking out of prison and coming after him and cutting off his balls.
Hey!
It's not funny.
Well, it's impossible.
Yeah.
If he was going to kill you he would have shown up last Christmas after he escaped.
What are you talking about?
Come on.
Everybody knows Cyril busted out of prison.
What do you mean busted out of prison?
Didn't I tell you?
Cyril busted out of prison. Last December right around Christmas.
Wait a minute.
If Cyril escaped from prison it would have been all over the news.
Yeah.
It was.
But last December I forgot to pay our cable bill so we didn't have internet or cable until Valentine's Day.
Come on, Wood!
Somebody would have contacted me and tried to warn me.
Oh yeah.
The district attorney sent a letter over immediately after it happened.
I put it with the rest of your mail. In the drawer.
What drawer?
What mail? What?
Here?
Yeah.
What are you talking about?
Omigod! Look at all this mail!
Omigod!
Omigod!
This is not happening! Okay, baby.
Just calm down.
Calm down?
The serial killer who tried to stop my heart with a giant needle has escaped from the penitentuary!
Don't tell me to calm down, Todd!
Did you know about this?
Wood!
I can not believe you didn't tell me about this!
You imbecile!
Let me at him!
You're the one who told me not to pile up your mail on your desk because it was unsightly.
It's not my fault you don't check your mail drawer.
That's because you never told me there was a mail drawer!
You are so fucking stupid!
So he's out. He's really out.
And I'm a dead man.
There would be no other reason for him to come to town unless he was trying to kill me.
Hey you!
What's that face? What's that look?
What look?
That look.
I know that look.
There's no look.
You know something, don't you?
No, I don't.
Yes, you do.
No, I don't.
Yes! What do you know?
Hey!
When you went to that prison to interview Cyril for that book of yours about the murder did something happen?
Of course not!
I am a professional, Nelson.
Reggie...
Five more minutes.
Well, I'm pretty much out of questions.
Any thoughts what we can do for the last five minutes?
God!
How could you do that to me?
It was a moment of weakness!
You know how I get around swarthy men with facial hair!
What was I supposed to do?
I'm not crazy!
I have been seeing Cyril everywhere.
He's here.
He's in Los Angeles!
I guess I have to call the police and tell them I'm being stalked by Cyril.
Or I could just talk to a cop who comes out of Wood's bedroom in his underwear.
Good Morning.
Hey.
I just got a call from Marcus.
Whatever he said, I deny it!
Detective...
Mo Kapoor was picked up for questioning.
He admitted the ball stretcher was purchased by him but he claims he bought it for his boss Elliot Butler who needed to be discreet because he's running for office.
Yeah, but...
Mo is lying!
I'm afraid not.
Kapoor was talking to about a dozen reporters at the time of the murder so you see he could not have been the one who shot Elliot.
Hey, are you just going to sit here or are we going to go try that Octo Mount Tango again?
I'll be there in a minute.
I'm going to do a little stretching.
But Detective, I really need to talk to you.
It's important!
Please...
What are we going to do about Cyril?
And what is this Octo Mount Tango butt fucking position that I've never heard of?
We can look it up later. I'll show you.
We can try it if you want.
Just sit down.
Okay? Relax.
Come here.
Todd is right.
Forget Cyril.
He's harmless.
Yeah, right.
No.
I talked to a psychiatrist at the prison.
He's completely rehabilitated.
And you know the police are going to pick him up any day now.
You don't know that.
And how do you know it wasn't Cyril who killed Elliot?
Because it's Mo!
And you know what I think?
I don't think it was a crime of passion.
I think it was premeditated and Mo hired somebody to do the job for him.
Like that muscle guy from the Faultline.
We don't even know his name.
How are we going to find him?
All we really know about him is he's a personal trainer and he's fond of wearing tank tops with a big A on it.
That's Asylum Gym.
That's their logo.
Just an A.
That must be where he works out or trains people.
There you go.
We've got a clue.
Oh wait a minute.
Does that mean we actually have to work out?
No. Fuck that.
Does anybody want to volunteer to be a spotter?
I should probably tell you that I'm sort of seeing someone.
Wood, it's okay.
I'm not looking to get married.
No strings attached is just fine.
What a relief.
Because I'm not into getting tied up either.
But Reggie sure is.
You're so fucking cute.
Hey guys.
I got us some shots.
Thank you.
I should warn you.
When I do shots are I start acting really stupid.
But people who know me say they don't notice much of a change.
Yeah, Mo is here all the time.
Lately he's been hanging out with this hot muscle dude.
Are they dating?
I dont think so.
But every time they come in they don't even drink.
Usually they hang out in that corner over there and when people pass by they stop talking.
Like they don't want anyone to hear.
Do you know who this muscle guy is?
I don't know his name but I think he's some sort of personal trainer.
I saw him here earlier tonight.
Can you point him out to me?
I don't see him.
But you can't miss him.
He's this hot black guy.
Ripped muscles.
Okay.
Thank you, Decoding Jesus.
By the way, do you take requests?
Sure.
Good.
I saw some lube by the door as I came in.
I'll find you at last call.
All right.
All right.
Babe, slow down a little bit.
Hey, when did you get so bossy?
I'm guessing his has something to do with what I told you about my past, right?
So you're going to be scared of me now?
I'm not scared of you Todd.
I'm scared of him!
Who?
Cyril!
He's right over there.
All right.
You know what?
No more for you. You're cut off.
I swear!
I saw him a second ago!
Right over there!
You need something other than alcohol.
I'm going to get you some water.
Stay right here.
I don't need anything that's not alcohol.
Hey, sexy.
What can I get you?
Can I get two waters?
My boyfriend is fucked up.
Well, well, well.
I finally got you alone.
Ivan, what are you doing here?
I didn't know you hung out at the Faultline.
I don't.
But I heard you do, handsome.
Okay.
I'm liking this action.
Bad boy.
Hey.
According to the DJ, Mo has been having some kind of secret meetings with a hot black muscle dude.
I know why you are so determined to solve this murder.
You do?
Yeah.
You just want another book deal.
You're drunk.
Okay. You've solved the mystery of my slurred speech.
You're a regular Fagatha Christie.
Okay. Where's Todd?
He needs to take you home.
I don't know.
He's over there...
Oh hell the fuck no!
He thinks that casting director ex-boyfriend... you think he's sexy?
I'll show him. I'll show him who's sexy.
Nelson, what are you going to do?
Nelson...
Oh shit.
There he is.
I'll show him. I'll show him who's sexy.
Excuse me.
I'd like to have a word with you, please.
Not my type, dude.
Well, you're not my type either.
Actually you are.
But rejection makes me very defensive.
I want to know about you and Mo Kapoor.
I am not done talking to you yet.
Oh crap!
I'm good!
I'm good!
Bye!
Keep it.
Thanks, man.
I just don't know what you see in him.
You might not understand, but Nelson is really a special person.
You get out of here cutie.
Here we go people.
You want to see sexy?
Here we go!
(crowd cheers)
Yeah, special needs maybe.
Holy fuck!
I can't believe we worked out at the gym all day waiting for that trainer and he was a no show.
You sat at the juice bar the whole time.
Okay, yeah.
But those stools are really uncomfortable, Reggie.
I've got a glute cramp.
Well, at least I worked out for an hour with the dumbbell.
Hey, I thought we agreed.
No more calling me names in public.
Hang on guys.
According to the manager his name is Turbo and he quit his job a week ago to focus on his high end clients.
and he moved recently so they don't have an address for him anymore.
We're never going to find him!
Easy, spaz.
He also said he's got a work out buddy who could tell us how to find him and that guy comes here every night after the gym for a protein shake.
Wait a minute.
That's why you brought us here?
I thought we came here to eat.
I'm starving.
Like I said, we're never going to find him.
Come here.
Wild guess.
You think that might be him?
Sure.
You can go over there and ask him and look like a fool if you're wrong.
I'll risk it.
He is such an idiot.
Hey.
How's it going?
Omigod.
Look at them flirting.
I knew Todd wanted an open relationship.
They're just talking.
This is about Todd's ex Ivan, isn't it?
You feel threatened by him.
I do not feel threatened.
I don't.
I do not feel threatened.
We can tell when you're lying.
You repeat yourself.
I do not repeat myself.
I don't.
I do not repeat myself.
He just repeated himself!
Oh, hell no, juice queen!
Nelson, stop!
Nelson!
Exuse me.
For your information, this is my boyfriend.
Yes, you heard that right.
My boyfriend.
So back off, bitch!
Chuck here was just about to tell us how to get in touch with Turbo.
Yeah. Keyword. Was.
But I don't need all your drama.
Wait.
So you're not going to help us?
Oh, honey, help you?
I just don't have time for this.
I'm not a miracle worker for Larry, Moe and Tubby.
Oh, no he didn't!
Why don't you guys go check out my diet and nutrition exercise videos on YouTube?
Body by Chuck.
Over 80,000 views and counting.
That will help get you started.
Would you like to order something?
Well, sure.
We might as well look at the dessert menu. Right, guys?
Don't you judge me, Brutus?
Can you at least give us a cell phone number so we can call him?
I don't have it.
He changed it.
We had a falling out ever since he poached one of my clients.
What about giving us the client's name so we can track him down that way?
Well, I would but this one keeps pissing me off.
All right.
We're out of here.
He's not going to give us anything.
He's not even going to budge.
I didn't order this.
This isn't mine.
You're the only customer in the restaurant.
Busted!
I wonder how your YouTube viewers are going to feel when they find out their fitness guru is a junk food whore!
Yeah, just like you Reggie!
What?
You love junk food and you're a whore.
What a fraud!
Body by Chuck?
More like Body by Upchuck.
We're going to tell everybody.
All right.
You win.
Mary Ashley Pendleton.
Who's that?
She's my former client.
The one that Turbo stole from me.
Her husband is running for City Council.
Danny Pendleton!
The man Elliot was running against.
I bet he did it!
No.
He wasn't at the pool party fundraiser.
He couldn't have done it.
Wait a minute.
So Turbo knows both Mo Kapoor and Danny Pendleton's wife?
And what if Mary Ashley was willing to do anything to insure her husband win the election including commit murder.
Exactly.
You're right.
We should totally check her out.
All right.
Are we done? Are we good here?
Is that enough?
And not a word about what you saw here tonight.
So beat it.
Except you.
You can stay.
I don't think so.
Come on.
Hey you.
That's my boyfriend. Okay?
No need to be so paranoid.
If there's one thing I'm not it's paranoid.
I'm not. I am not paranoid.
Stop, I can't breathe.
Shrimp puff?
Shrimp puff?
Sir, would you like a shrimp puff?
Yummy!
Who are you supposed to be here as?
Myself.
We were supposed to come up with covers so we would be inconspicuous.
I am a literary celebrity now, Nelson.
Do you know how easy it was for me to snag an invite to this fundraiser?
Why couldn't you have invited me as a friend instead of me having to get a job as a cater waiter?
Every spy will tell you when working undercover it's always best to choose something that comes natural to you.
For me, it's rubbing elbows with fellow artists and industry people.
And for you, it's serving shrimp puffs to people who are always going to be more successful than you.
(off screen) Hey guys, we're here.
Wood and Todd are here.
We're the Jacksons.
Go right in.
Thank you.
You're welcome.
Howdy.
Names, please.
Names? Oh.
Okay.
I'm Billy Joe Stetson from Dallas, Texas.
But we just moved to the district so we can vote.
And this is my little brother and business partner Festus.
I'm sorry gentlemen.
I do not see your names on this list.
That's because my brother and I just caught wind of this here fundraiser.
And seeing how we are new in town and seeking to expand our enterprises we decided to stopby and donate generously to Mr. Pendleton's campaign.
Very generously.
If you get my drift little filly.
You're going to have to show me something.
How about twenty somethings?
Go ahead in.
I have to get my nails done anyway.
Where did you get these earpieces to communicate with?
I made friends with a couple of Homeland Security guys last year when they had me under surveillance because I was dating that Saudi Prince who I met at the New Year's Eve party in Dubai.
Wait a minute.
You're on Homeland Security's radar?
Radar?
Please!
With the number of Arab men I've slept with?
I'm on a watch list!
You do realize I no longer know when you are kidding, right?
I probably shouldn't be seen talking to the help.
Shrimp puff?
It's a pleasure to meet you Billy Joe.
And Festus, is it?
That's right, sir.
I'm Mary Ashley Pendleton.
The candidate's wife.
Bingo!
Hello!
Mary Ashley Pendleton!
Right here in front of me!
You don't have to yell, you moron.
Oh, right.
Sorry, Nelson.
Am I missing something?
Who's Nelson?
For the love of God Wood!
Shut up!
You shut up!
I beg your pardon?
We are just plum thrilled to be here this evening.
And we are very impressed with you as a candidate, sir.
I think by the end of the evenings out would like to show you just how impressed we are by writing a very large check for your campaign.
Well, that is mighty kind of you.
I appreciate any help you can give my campaign.
Would you all excuse me for a minute?
I have to say hello to a buddy of mine.
But stick around.
I'd like to get to know you all a little better.
Sounds delicious.
Well, isn't this wonderful?
Teresa over there mentioned that you two gentlemen are from Dallas?
I'm originally from Dallas.
What area did you all grow up in?
We had us a little ranch.
Whereabouts?
Right near JR and Sue Ellen.
He means near where they filmed JR and Sue Ellen in Dallas.
Now, ma'am, before we contribute to the campaign, would it be possible to find out a little more about you and your husband?
Of course.
I'm an open book.
My name is Mary Ashley Pendleton.
I'm forty three years old and I'm from the great state of Texas.
I love cooking, scuba and macrame.
And I want to become Miss America so I can raise awareness on the dangers of anorexia.
I used to do pageants and that was my opening introduction and my platform.
So charming.
How could they resist?
I sang Wind Beneath My Wings for the talent portion and some bitch from Maine beat me out with ventriloquism.
You could see her lips move.
Ma'am, how do you and your husband feel about the untimely death, murder, of Elliot Butler?
Of course it was a terrible tragedy.
I was visiting my sister in Lubbock when I heard the news.
Bless his heart.
I hope they find his killer.
But fellas I've got to be honest with you
I'm not disappointed that God chose to eliminate one of my husband's strongest opponents.
One less person to run against I suppose?
Well God works in mysterious ways.
I think maybe it was the Lord's will.
Elliot Butler was a homosexual.
Wow.
The Bible is very clear on such matters. It's an abomination.
So you are glad he's dead?
Don't get carried away, Wood!
Right.
Sorry, Nelson.
I'm sorry. Now who's Nelson?
He means me. I'm Nelson.
Nice save, Todd.
Thank you.
For what?
I knew we should've rehearsed with these earpieces before we came here!
Oh, Todd here is both my brother and my business partner.
Wait a minute.
I thought you said his name was Nelson.
No, actually you said his name was Festus.
Hey little brother why don't you go get us some grub and maybe a couple of drinks for me and the young lady?
Sounds like a super idea, big brother.
Ma'am.
Ask her about Turbo.
I have to say you have a mighty fine body there, little lady.
Really nice rack also.
One of my favorite parts on a woman.
Anway, I was wondering how you keep yourself in such good shape?
Do you have one of those Hollywood trainers?
I did have a trainer but I had to fire him.
It turned out he was a homosexual too!
I know we're in Los Angeles but for God's sake is everybody gay now?
I appreciate you wanting to contribute to my campaign.
What do you say we get a hotel suite downtown to discuss this more in private?
Is he hitting on my man?
Abort!
Abort the mission!
Nelson is losing it!
Nice seeing you.
I'm flattered but I don't go in for the whole gay sex thing.
Now explain that to the papers!
What about that donation?
Do it. Give me your hand.
Trust me. Look.
It looks exactly like one.
Like I did when I was twelve. Right.
Hey. What do you guys want to watch for movie night?
Sci fi.
I've been jonesing for sci fi eversince we went downtown the other weekend to see the building where they shot Blade Runner.
That was so awesome!
I love our group outings.
That reminds me.
I can't do our Pinkberry run tomorrow.
What the hell is this?
You guys are going on group outings together?
What about me?
You're always cleaning.
You said I'm supposed to bond with these guys.
So I'm bonding.
I said I wanted you to bond.
Not become the human centipede.
Look, we don't want to exclude you from anything.
So what would you like to watch tonight?
Oh, I get to pick?
Okay.
How about that devastating new documentary about being bi-polar?
That doesn't even make any sense.
What kind of bear swings both ways?
It's not about bears you nitwit.
Bi-polar is a disorder.
It's a mental disorder and I think maybe you've got one.
Who cares?
It sounds like a complete downer.
Forget it.
I got it.
Prometheus.
Yes, I love that movie! We're done!
Prometheus!
What are we watching?
Prometheus.
Oh, I love that movie. You know what?
Let me go put a shirt on.
No, no, no!
That would be a really bad idea!
I'll go get the popcorn.
Oh my God!
Jeremy!
What a surprise.
You invited me.
Hey, guys.
Look.
It's Jeremy.
Hey. Hi.
Reggie, look who's here. It's adorable Jeremy.
He just happened to swing by.
So we're doing a movie night so go ahead and have a seat.
How did you know where we live?
Oh you know what I might have told him the address at the pool party...
Get over here.
What the hell do you think you're doing?
Come on.
Give him a chance.
He's a quality guy.
And he's hot.
I am not your project, Nelson.
I have zero interest in you fixing me up with a boyfriend.
Fine.
But he's here already so try and be nice.
Fine.
Fine.
Fine.
May I squeeze in?
Sure.
Okay.
Prometheus.
So everybody comfy?
(Snoring)
I guess I'll turn that up.
So what did you think, baby?
I liked the movie.
But gosh the volume?
Did you have to play it so loud?
It's part of the experience.
You like it loud.
I just love discovering all your little quirks the more time we spend together.
Okay.
I think I'll go clean up.
Oh God I am so tired.
I better get to bed.
I have to be at the office really, really early tomorrow morning.
Office?
What office?
You work from home.
You're a writer.
You know I should go.
Let me show you to the door.
Hey look. I know you didn't expect me here tonight.
And I hope I didn't make you uncomfortable but I had a really good time...
Me too.
It's just that...
I know you're not looking for anything serious but I like you Reggie and if all we can be is good friends I'll take it.
Good night, Jeremy.
Good night.
Now don't be mad, okay?
I can pick my own boyfriends, Nelson.
Now, if your little matchmaking mission is over
I have an idea what to do next about Elliot Butler's murder.
What?
I thought we were at a dead end with that.
We know that Mary Ashley couldn't have done it because she was in Texas the weekend of the murder and we know she wasn't working with Turbo because she fired Turbo when she found out he was gay.
All the President's Men.
Wait.
What?
He doesn't know what that is.
If it's not on Nickelodeon forget it he's never heard of it.
Oh, you mean the 1976 Best Picture nominee starring Dustin Hoffman and Robert Redford about the Watergate break in?
No I don't know about that.
What's that?
Tell me about that?
I stand corrected.
Chill, pumpkin.
What does any of this have to do with Elliot Butler's murder?
Maybe we got it backward.
Maybe Danny is sleeping with Turbo and seduced him into shooting Elliot so he would have nobody running against him.
What does any of this have to do with All the President's Men?
Well, we're going to break into Danny Pendleton's campaign headquarters and look around and uncover evidence that might connect him to the murder.
No, no, no!
Just hearing that makes me nervous, okay?
You know what happens to me when I get nervous?
Yeah, you get explosive diarrhea and we all have to leave the house for a few hours.
Not that.
When I get nervous I have to clean.
Like this lovely art piece.
(mouthing) What the fuck is that?
(mouthing) I don't know.
I love the new piece, Todd.
It's really a great edition to the living room.
Thank you.
Yeah, I like it too.
Wood forgot to make a lube run.
Can we use this?
Sure.
Cool.
We're not having chicken tonight.
No.
This was a really dumb idea, Nelson.
Who is going to buy me as part of cleaning crew?
I told you I'm famous now!
One interview about your book for a twelve year old's blog in Fargo, North Dakota does not make you a household name, Reggie.
What about me?
I'm a famous model.
I hate to tell you this, Wood, but the only magazine cover you could book right now is for Gay-A-R-P.
I'm the trained actor.
Let me handle this.
Can I help you?
Hey there.
How are you doing? We're from Acme Janitorial.
We're here to clean the office.
Wait a minute.
You guys usually come on Tuesdays.
Yeah, but we heard there is a big fucking mess back there, didn't we, guys?
We've got to clean the office tonight.
What is this?
Good Fellas?
I didn't know we were doing accents.
We're here to clean the floors!
Why are you doing a girl?
I don't know.
I'm not cleared to let you in.
We get it.
You can never be too careful.
By the way, I am totally open to a thorough strip search if you'd like.
I didn't catch your name.
Charlie.
Well, Charlie, it just so happens I have this thing for a man in uniform.
Well, that's too bad because I'm dying to take it off.
I'm sorry.
I can't let you through.
Look here, asshole, you better let us get back there to clean that fucking office because it's going to be your butt that's going to get canned and not ours!
Yeah, it's going to be your butt.
All right.
Just go ahead. Go on in.
That's more like it.
Come on, guys.
What are you doing?
My job.
We're here to look for clues.
Put the mop away.
Oh yeah.
I'm surprised you even know how to use a mop.
When it comes to cleaning at home you're completely useless.
Hey, I hired a housekeeper with my book money but you said he made you uncomfortable.
He was cleaning our house in the nude.
That was part of the service.
I paid extra for that.
Well, I'm sorry but it was pretty gross staring at his sausage while I was eating mine at the breakfast table.
I miss him.
You know, I used to go around the house and collect all the dustballs I could find and then I'd put them under my bed.
Then I would go get him and point them out so he would have to get down on all fours with his swiffer and I would have the most perfect view of his--
Holy cow, Wood!
Knock it off!
We get it.
Hey!
Danny Pendleton's personal drawer.
Is it locked?
Yes, it's locked.
Let's pull on three.
I'm going to pull your arm, okay?
One, two, three...
Hey!
What's going on here?
We're doing yoga, right guys?
Yes.
That's why we're on the ground.
Namaste!
Do that downward dog move!
Woof!
Woof!
Do that Warrior Princess move!
Warrior Princess?
Look how relaxing that is, Charlie.
Feels so good.
Yeah, that's a good one.
You should try yoga, Charlie.
It's a great stress reliever.
Right guys?
Okay, yoga break is over.
Back to work.
Oh come on!
It's always too short.
Yeah, I know but it's healthy.
It relieves the stress.
Okay, he bought it!
Okay, we need to separate and look for clues.
Stop!
Stop!
You go there!
You go there!
I'll go there!
Hey! I found Danny Pendleton's office.
Come on!
Hey.
Danny wrote down Turbo's home address in his list of contacts.
Now why would you need your personal trainer's home address unless there was more to the relationship?
Well, that doesn't necessarily prove that...
That doesn't necessarily prove they were sleeping together.
Well they had to do it somewhere.
They couldn't do it at his place he's too smart to risk Mary Ashley coming across a hotel credit card receipt.
Wood, take a picture.
Oh, okay.
Not of us!
Take a picture of the address, you numbskull!
You don't work out enough that you would need a personal trainer.
He doesn't need a personal trainer.
He needs you to take a picture of the address so you can give it to the detectives so they can call him in for questioning you boob!
Oh right.
You know what?
I will just use my photogenic mind to memorize the address.
Why don't we snap a picture just to be sure, okay?
All right.
It's a complete waste of time but I don't mind.
Shut up!
You know, I'm betting they can put enough pressure on Turbo to get him to confess that his lover Danny got him to do his dirty work.
He has a safe!
Hey!
You're never going to be able to open that.
No! Besides having a photogenic mind, I can also open a safe!
We're not here to crack safes.
We need to get the hell out of here.
And... voila!
Oh dear God.
Come on!
Freeze!
I'm trying to freeze.
You know we wouldn't be here if you hadn't done that cheesy accent!
It's not an accent.
It's a dialect.
And I studied them for years.
What's the dialect you normally use?
Nelly?
You know, I was a little disappointed in the cavity search.
I thought it would be more invasive.
You know, sexier.
Yeah, Reggie, there's nothing more romantic than getting fingered by Roshonda, the night duty officer with an attitude.
And way too long nails if you ask me!
Well, thank God I got a male cop.
I can't imagine a woman sticking her finger up my ass.
Unless it is some sort of threeway and I get to do her hot Lebanese husband like I did on that Puerto Vallarta cruise.
God, I hate this!
You know they say prison changes a man.
Well, I can feel it.
I'm changing already.
Nelson, we've been here ten minutes.
You don't understand.
This is my worst nightmare.
My innocence forever lost to the harsh conditions of prison life.
Abused and yelled at by the screws.
Shaken down by one bully after another out in the yard.
Eating warmed over slop at a corner table in the cafeteria trying not to make eye contact with anybody.
Oh my God!
It's going to be like high school all over again!
I can't take it!
God, I hope we're in separate cells.
Wood!
Did you talk to Detective Winters?
Is he coming down here to spring us?
I got his voice mail.
But I left him a message.
Well, did you tell him it was an emergency and that we've been arrested and we need his help ASAP?
No.
I just told him to call me back on my cell.
Which was confiscated when we were arrested and is locked up in a drawer in the booking room!
I didn't think of that.
Well, Detective Winters said the only reason he wouldn't pick up was if he was on a big case.
I love stakeouts.
So do I.
Hey you.
Officer.
Come here.
I want to try to call my boyfriend again.
Look, you've already had your one phone call.
It's not my fault that your boyfriend doesn't want to talk to you.
You know nothing about my deeply loving and committed relationship!
The nerve of that guy!
Nelson, calm down.
Calm down?
You want me to be calm?
This is all your fault!
My fault? If you weren't such a fame whore and so desperate to sell another one of your true crime books we wouldn't be here.
You know, your bad choices are going to get us all killed eventually.
Bad choices?
What are you talking about?
You made out with the serial killer who tried to murder me!
If that's not a bad choice I don't know what is.
Are you supposed to be my role model, Nelson?
Am I supposed to look to you when it comes to healthy relationships?
Oh my God!
Ever since you and Todd have been together you have been a bundle of nerves waiting for it to blow up in your face afraid he is going to leave you for someone else. You are this close to blowing the entire thing!
Guys, can we stop focusing on your dysfunctional relationships and try to think about how we're going to get out of here?
Dysfunctional relationships?
Coming from the man who is bed hopping with two hot cops who have no clue you're banging the other!
Ixnay on the opscay.
Let go of me!
Oh my God!
Wood!
Where is Wood!
I need Wood and I need Wood now!
Wood!
Hit the road, tramp!
Oh Wood!
I have been a bundle of nerves since you called.
Are you okay?
Are they mistreating you at all because if they are I want to know all the details!
Oh dear God!
It's the eighth dwarf.
Sleazy. What's he doing here?
Well, when Detective Winters didn't pick up the officer was nice enough to let me make another call so I called George.
How come I didn't get two phone calls?
You just have to know how to talk nicely to him.
And getting down on your knees doesn't hurt either.
He made you beg?
Yeah.
Let's go with that.
Whoa.
Where do you two think you're going?
We've been bailed out.
Sorry, Princess.
He only bailed out your friend here.
You two are staying.
Oh come on, George!
What's going on?
I'm a little cash poor right now.
My dental practice has been suffering some severe financial setbacks all due to a few frivolous lawsuits.
It seems a few of my more attractive male patients, twenty-six if you have to know...
Let me guess.
They're suing you for groping them while you had them under anesthesia.
Oh, it's completely ridiculous.
They were totally knocked out.
How could they possibly remember anything?
Don't worry, Nelson.
I will bail you guys out.
I just need your debit card and pin number because I'm broke.
Great idea, Wood.
I'll just get it from my wallet.
Which was confiscated when we were arrested and it's in a drawer in the booking room!
Don't worry.
I'll think of something.
Oh my God!
We're never getting out of here!
I know! I've got to escape!
Run!
Just run! This way, cupcakes.
Please!
I'll do anything.
You've already sucked my cock twice.
I've got no use for you.
There's got to be something I can do.
Hey!
Get your hands off my boyfriend or I will come in there and rip your god damned head off!
And scene.
Oh, hey babe.
Hey.
You all right?
Yeah, we're just doing a little improv.
It turns out Curtis here is an aspiring actor.
Great job, Curtis. Wow.
You had some really nice moments there.
You were totally convincing as the dangerous criminal.
Well, I have had some experience.
I held up four liquor stores and I shot my cousin last year.
So you're giving acting lessons behind bars now?
Yeah.
Curtis and I decided to actually set our scene in jail.
How many opportunities are we going to have to act in such a realistic setting?
Well, Curtis may have a few more opportunities given your record, right, Curtis?
You crack me up, Nelson.
Okay, Curtis.
You take care.
I am going to miss you, buddy.
And don't you ever give up on your dream. You will play Danny Zuko.
See you later.
Oh, Todd.
Hi, baby.
This night in jail has been so personally rewarding.
I got Casper and Little Snoopy to quit their gang on the spot.
And I got Butch the skinhead to leave Aryan Nations and enroll in Second City.
It's like the LA County Jail of Dramatic Arts.
Where's Reggie?
In there.
Jesus!
Hes only closing his eyes because he's pretending he picked the guy up in the Eagle and not in the showers.
Hey, Reggie!
You posted bail.
It's time to go.
Is leaving absolutely mandatory?
Let's go!
Find me on Facebook.
And promise me you shank anyone and lose computer privileges.
I promise. Okay.
Bye, bye.
You know, I think he could be the one.
He's going to introduce me to his family if he gets acquitted.
They have a trailer in Barstow.
They're chemists.
And you say I make bad choices.
Let's go.
What are you looking at?
There's no paper!
Yes! Finally!
Freedom!
Sorry it took so long to get the message last night, guys.
You said you were just going out for a minute I didn't expect you to end up in freaking jail!
No problem.
It gave me time to work up the nerve to start a conversation with Axel.
Face tattoos are my new go to topic.
I had no idea what those tears meant.
Hey where were you anyway?
Look, don't freak out, baby.
I was with Ivan.
Ivan?
He called the second you were out the door and it just sounded like he was in a really bad place.
Bad place?
Where do you think I was?
The Sandals Resort?
I was this close to having to toss Little Orphan Tranny's salad!
You got a meal?
I didn't get a meal!
Is there some kind of Jail Upgrade Program I'm not aware of?
Jesus!
Look, I just wanted to make sure he was okay and it turns out ever since seeing me at the pool party he's had a lot of unresolved feelings about our break up and relationship.
It was just really intense.
It wasn't a fun night.
He was crying and begging for me to give him a second chance.
He can be a little dramatic and over the top sometimes.
Why would you be stupid enough to date someone like that?
Anyway, did you tell him that you can't get back together with him because you have a boyfriend?
Of course I did, baby.
I love you.
Even if you do have to wear a Darth Vader mask to sleep at night, you're my man.
That is the sweetest thing I think you've ever said to me.
But you know what, you might want to still change your e-mail address and your phone number just so there is no further contact with Ivan.
Hey, where's Wood?
I don't know, he wasn't here when I got home last night.
Oh. Hello.
Hello, George.
Is Wood here?
Yes he is.
But he's just a little bit indisposed right now.
Come back next month.
I don't think so.
We're coming through, Tooth Fairy.
But this is a private residence!
Wood!
Wood!
Are you okay?
This is not what it looks like.
Okay.
Why are his pants down and why is he hooked up to this machine and what is that stupid expression on his face? Aren't you just a little old to be so naive?
We call that afterglow.
Whoa!
Are you saying you and Wood...?
Yes.
And I will be sending someone for his things.
Right after our honeymoon in Branson, Missouri.
My hometown!
What have you done to him?
It's just a little harmless anesthesia.
Nothing to worry about.
I was giving him a free teeth cleaning.
You put him under for a teeth cleaning?
I had the strangest dream.
I was abducted by a little alien.
About the same height as George.
And he kept wanting to get sperm samples from me.
You have the most fervent imagination.
You know we could have you arrested for that, Gnomeo!
For your information, I have made it my life's mission to serve this sexy mountain of a man.
I would never do a single thing to make him at all uncomfortable.
Yeah, right, Nurse Jackie!
I'm sure he's very comfortable being drugged and made the star of your own personal porn flick!
Oh God!
Let's get out of here!
It's funny.
My mouth doesn't hurt at all but my penis is a little chafed.
Bye, George!
Hey, Detective Winters, thank you for helping get those breaking and entering charges dropped against me and the guys.
Don't worry about it.
The Assistant DA owes me.
That is so hot!
I love it when you talk police lingo.
So any sign of him?
No.
But he has to come home sometime.
True.
Wow.
I had no idea stakeouts could be so boring!
Is there anything you can think of that might pass the time?
I know something.
God!
I love stakeouts!
Hey.
Anybody hungry?
Starving.
Here's your hamburger.
No pickles no onions.
Just the way you like it.
Wow.
You guys really know each other well.
I mean, if I didn't know any better, I'd swear you guys were totally doing each other.
Which would be so hot.
And here's your extra large Dr. Pepper which I don't know why you ordered it because we both know you're going to have to go to the bathroom before you get halfway through.
He's got the bladder the size of a peanut.
Just talking about it makes me want to go.
I'm going to go use that gas station down the street.
I'll be back.
Everything you ordered there, Wood?
Seems to be.
Well, if there's anything else you might need be sure to let me know.
Suspect show up yet?
Negative.
No.
We've been looking at that place the entire time.
I swear.
The entire time.
It got hot in here.
I had to unbutton.
Yes. Hot.
Hey, what is that tattoo on your wrist, Marcus?
What is that supposed to be?
That's an inside joke between me and a friend.
That is funny.
Because it looks exactly like the birth mark on Detective Winters penis.
It totally is.
That's actually where I got the idea.
Wait.
How do you know about his birth mark?
Oh God.
My roommates are right.
I am so dumb!
Are you having sex with Wood?
I would never lie to you, Marcus.
No.
Bullshit!
How long as this been going on?
Since last Christmas.
Last Christmas?
Motherfucker!
You've been hooking up with this dude since last Christmas?
That's fucking outrageous, dude!
Not really.
It's no more outrageous than some of the stuff you and me have been doing the last few weeks.
Actually we do stuff way more kinky than I've ever done with Detective Winters.
Shut up, Wood!
Wait a minute!
You've been having sex with Wood too?
Not since last Christmas!
Just for the past few weeks.
I took our vows seriously!
Vows?
They make you guys take vows at the police academy?
We're married, Wood.
I'm confused.
You should have that printed on a t-shirt.
Wait.
Let me get this straight.
You guys are partners and you're partners?
Wood, would you please step outside while I have a talk with my husband here?
Fine.
But I am taking my burger with me.
Yeah, you do that.
Afternoon. Hey.
Excuse me.
Do I know you?
That line almost never works with me.
But you're fucking adorable.
You look so familiar.
I'm pretty sure we've never met.
But I would like to get to know you, Chewbacca.
So you live around here?
I live in that building over there.
What a coincidence.
We've been on a stakeout looking for a guy who lives in that building.
What's his name?
Turbo.
What do you want with him?
Oh, my two hot cop boyfriends want to ask him some questions.
Yeah, you heard me right.
I'm dating two hot cops.
But I'm not monogamous with either of them so you might want to file that away for future reference.
So what did you say your name was again?
You don't have to tell me!
We can just have anonymous sex!
Oh shit!
Hey guys!
We've got a runner!
Boy, you guys sure make up fast.
It's all right!
How do you like the package?
Impressive as always, Eddie.
Oh, you mean the cable package!
Love it. Love it.
Got those extra ESPN channels you wanted, Todd.
Excellent.
Thank you, Reggie.
What about HBO? Nah.
I wasn't in the mood for anal.
Morning.
Morning.
Wood, we've been texting you all morning.
What happened with Turbo?
Did the detectives get him to confess?
I don't know.
They wouldn't let me in the interrogation room while they questioned him.
Well, how the hell are we supposed to find out what happened?
You could ask the detectives yourself.
Hey.
Morning, civilians.
Hello.
You taste good.
Is this my house or a Chi Chi LaRue set?
Well, don't keep us in suspense, Detectives.
Have you arrested Turbo?
No.
But he did admit to having an affair with Butler but he didn't kill him.
But he was secretly working for him.
I don't get it.
Understatement of the year.
I'm new here.
I'm sorry.
I'm just trying to fit in, bro.
Elliot Butler hired Turbo to get close to Danny and seduce him and expose him as a cheat and hurt his campaign.
Baby, you're the best.
I'm thirsty.
You want some water?
Sure.
I'll be right back.
That explains why Turbo was secretly meeting with Butler's campaign manager Mo Kapoor.
I had no idea Elliot was so devious.
It's kind of hot.
The man's dead, Reggie.
I know that, Nelson.
I mean I thought I knew everything about him.
After all we were fraternity brothers in college.
Wait.
You never told us.
You guys were in the same fraternity?
Yeah.
What was it?
Alpha Gaya Fagga?
Again.
New here.
Okay. Who's to say Turbo isn't lying to cover his own tracks?
Well, he wasn't even at the pool party.
And he has an alibi.
He was training a wealthy client in Pasadena the whole time.
Why did he freak out when I approached him in the bathroom?
Because he knew you were onto him and thought you would expose him.
People trust their trainers with a lot of secrets and if word got out what he was doing for Butler it could ruin his business.
Hey, we still have an hour before we have to get back to the precinct.
You thinking what I'm thinking?
You dirty dog.
You coming, Wood?
I'll be right there.
We're not going to get anywhere in this case with Ponch and Jon leading the charge.
Unless the clues lead to a bathhouse.
Finally!
Good one.
Hey, what are you looking at?
Oh I just recorded my threesome with the detectives for my Wood's webcam show.
Hang on.
That's it!
Wood was walking at the pool party recording everything for his webcamming.
He must have gotten something.
Genius!
Okay, do I have the smartest boyfriend in the world or what?
Well, except when it comes to his past relationships.
What a bunch of losers!
Nelson.
Check it out.
Gee, Wood. It's too bad you didn't get any close ups of guys junk.
I did!
Yeah, I see.
I feel violated just watching this.
Is there such a thing as camera rape?
Yummy.
Look at that one.
That's got to be at least nine inches.
Ten inches!
And the girth!
It's all about the girth!
It's like a giant mushroom head!
Do you three mind?
There's nothing going on there.
Shut it off.
No. Wait!
Look.
Right there.
Who's that?
I know that guy.
That's Luke.
I used to play with him on the gay rugby team.
He's following Elliot inside the house and that was right before he was shot.
We should talk to him.
This looks kind of suspicious.
Excuse me, guys.
While you sit around looking at pictures of dicks
I've actually got the real thing waiting for me in the other room.
And two of them!
Oh, and one of them the meat still has its casing.
Hello...hey!
You started without me!
So that means...
Yeah, I think so.
He's not Jewish.
We should investigate rugby players more often.
This reminds me of a Colt shoot I did back in the nineties except I was the coach and all the players stood over me and they were like oh... oh...
Where is the coach anyway?
I mean shouldn't they be out on the field?
Who just lets their players sit around massaging each other in a public gym?
Nice work, boys!
Susie?
What's she doing here?
Great job, Brandon!
Way to work Matteo's inner thigh muscles.
Don't forget the hip flexers.
You okay there, Matteo?
Great job.
Luke, lay down.
Jason, get to work on his glutes.
Maximus and minimus.
Kneed that ass!
Kneed it like dough! Make it rise.
Work it!
Work it!
That's him.
With the ass.
That's Luke.
Okay!
Get in a circle.
Let's do the Daisy Chain Stretch.
Move it!
Now!
Lay down!
Now hold hands.
Good job, guys.
Hey, Susie.
Hey, Wood.
I guess you heard.
I was fired.
And they promoted that backstabbing bitch Hairy Potter.
Seems that twat went to the bosses and complained that I made him work one weekend.
Granted it was a couples' retreat in Maui but whatever.
So you're coaching now?
Actually I volunteer coaching.
Being around all these sexy athletic men keeps me feeling young.
Do the spanking machine.
Coach, what's that supposed to do for us?
Agility?
Spanking machine now!
Get a load of that one's ass.
It's like two ripe cantalopes just ready to be scooped.
Okay. Whatever, Mary Kay Letourneau.
We need to talk to one of your players. Luke?
Oh. Luke.
My panda bear.
What a sweetie.
And he's hung like a mule.
He's friends with Jason over there.
Another hottie.
He's got a nice piece.
Thick.
Fat like a beer can!
Right.
How would you know that?
Baby, believe it or not, I was sexually active before we met.
Well, so was I. Granted it was bookstores and public restrooms but it was still sex, Todd.
Sad.
Anyway, it's just a matter of time before Jason lets me do what I've wanted to do since before you were even born.
How are you not in jail?
Do the scrum!
Look, we really need to talk to Luke.
What's this all about?
Luke is my star player.
I really don't need him being distracted.
What? Did you guys kill somebody in your house again?
It'll only take a second.
All right.
You can talk to him.
But the next time I see you. We're moving past oral. I mean way past.
Sure, Susie.
Whatever.
Okay, boys.
Hit the showers!
Luke, these guys need to talk to you.
Hey, where are you two going?
The showers.
We should thoroughly investigate all of the players.
Thoroughly.
Elliot was my fuck buddy.
He was pretty kinky too.
He had this thing about getting his balls stretched.
I gave him a hell of a workout that day.
But he was alive when I left him. I swear.
Someone had to have come in after me and shot him.
Did he ever talk to you about the movie Dumbo?
No.
You know your ass is not that perfect.
Am I ever going to have friends again?
Rugby, huh?
Nice balls.
Excuse me?
I like the balls you guys use.
When you play rugby.
Dude, do you mind?
You'll have to forgive my friend.
He doesn't know any better.
You're looking at my junk too.
Can you pass the soap?
Sure.
There you go.
Oh, I dropped it.
Hey!
Oldies!
Why don't you get out of here and go troll somewhere else?
Who are you calling old?
I just turned forty!
Yeah, right.
Now beat it, gramps.
So did you notice anything unusual the day of the pool party?
Something that stood out to you?
The nerve of that guy calling me old!
I mean I could understand if he was talking to Nelson but...
Do you mind?
We're questioning tasty cakes here with the alleged beer can cock.
Don't start.
Well, Elliot was kind of tense that day.
He was all freaked out about some guy at the pool party who he couldn't stand.
Some charity guy who works for a non-profit.
I guess he was threatening a lawsuit.
He and Elliot had a huge fight the week before.
His name wouldn't happen to be Jeremy, would it?
I think that's it.
Yeah.
Are you listening, Nelson?
Did you hear that?
Your Mr. Perfect had a big fight with Elliot and is probably his killer!
Hey, Todd, the guys and I are going to go grab some beers.
Why don't you come join us?
For old time's sake?
No.
I better not.
No. It's okay.
Really.
I want you to go. Go with your friend.
Really?
Yeah.
Have fun.
Are you sure?
Absolutely.
All right.
Thank you.
Let's get out of here.
Don't let your mind go there, Nelson.
I know.
I know.
Happy thoughts.
Happy thoughts.
Too late.
I have to admit I thought it was a little bit strange that you insisted I cook dinner for us at my place.
That seems like a third or fourth date kind of thing.
Yeah, well, like I said on the phone all the MSG and sodium in all the restaurants these days.
Nothing like a home cooked wholesome meal.
It's true.
I thought it was also a little weird that you even wanted to date me.
What's changed?
You didn't seem that into me at your place the other night.
What happened?
Really?
My God. No.
No. No.
I came over here tonight to get to know you and hear all about your charity.
So how are things in the stressful world of non-profits?
Donor issues?
Fund raising woes?
Lawsuits, perhaps?
Well, that's kind of a funny question.
Well, it's just that I have a friend who works in non-profit and he tells me all the time how hard it is raising money and flaky donors bowing out all the time.
It is tough.
It's very stressful sometimes too.
But I really love the kids.
They need us.
It's nothing glamourous like writing true crime books or anything like that but I really love what I do.
Yeah.
Kids are special. I get it.
Oh, hey.
Your pasta's boiling over. Yeah, right over there.
All right.
Almost ready.
What are you doing?
I was looking for a pen.
A pen?
Yes.
A pen.
Because I'm going to write you a check for your charity.
I'm a giver.
And I don't have my checkbook on me but I could certainly give you a five.
What are you doing going through my stuff?
Okay.
Yes.
I am going through your stuff.
Because I believe that you had something to do with Elliot Butler's murder.
What?
Yeah.
That's right.
I know for a fact that you two had a big fight the week before he died.
Something about a lawsuit?
Oh my God.
I can't believe this.
Yes.
Yes I was planning to sue Elliot.
He screwed me over.
Big time. Big time!
He committed over a hundred grand to the charity.
We based our budgets and our programs on that money and then when it came time to pay up he pulled out!
He screwed me and he screwed the kids!
So you shot him!
Wow.
That's the only reason you came here, isn't it?
My God.
I am an idiot.
I am an idiot.
You don't want to date me.
You want to indict me.
You have to admit it's a little suspicious.
You have a motive.
You were at the party.
I left the party.
I couldn't get in to see Elliot because that English queen wouldn't let me get anywhere near him.
And then you blew me off.
Thank you very much.
And then I left right after I met you.
I went and filled my car up with a tank of gas down at the bottom of the hill and then I drove straight home.
So you left the party early?
Yes.
The guy you should be investigating is Elliot's ex-boyfriend.
They had a nasty break up.
Elliot said he drained him of all his money and that was another reason he wouldn't donate to my charity.
So what's the boyfriend's name?
I don't remember.
He's like a casting guy.
Some muscle dude.
Ivan?
Ivan so and so?
Yes.
Russian.
Like a Russian name.
Oh, Jeremy, I am so sorry.
I feel horrible.
Boy, you really take this whole true crime mystery thing seriously, don't you?
You're a real Jessica Fletcher.
Oh my God.
I loved that show. It was my favorite as a kid.
We are so from the same generation.
Listen, can I borrow your bathroom?
Yeah. It's right through the door.
Wood, I need you to call Detective Winters and have him check to see if Jeremy used his credit card on the day of the murder at the Arco Station on the corner of Beachwood and Franklin.
I don't give a rat's ass that you're watching Spongebob just do it!
Wow.
You never let up, do you?
What's that?
It's a credit card receipt for gas.
I write them off through work.
Take a look at the date and the time.
I don't need to look at the date and the time, Jeremy.
Look, I'm just being thorough.
Jessica Fletcher would be thorough.
I get it, Detective Hatch.
Actually I think it's kind of cute.
A little bit sexy too.
Just a little?
A little bit.
Well, I guess now that you got what you came here for you're probably not interested in a dinner date, are you?
Are you kidding?
That Chicken Artichoke Pasta smells delicious.
And there's one thing you need to know about me.
I never, ever leave a half empty bottle of wine.
Hey.
Let's check out Ivan's Facebook page.
Maybe we'll find some evidence.
You know, Detective Winters and Marcus say they use it all the time to bust dudes.
God, I love their penises.
I know you do.
You talk about them enough.
Hey, Reggie.
Didn't you go to Marist College in upstate New York.
Yeah.
Why?
So did Ivan.
What?
Move over.
He's right.
And he was an Alpha Phi Delta.
They were like our biggest rival.
I don't remember Ivan in college.
Guys!
See what this means?
Ivan and Elliot didn't just have a nasty break up.
They have some sort of checkered history together.
This just solidifies our case.
They must have had some sort of fight at the party and then things got out of hand and Ivan shot Elliot dead on the spot.
How do we prove it?
I tell you what. I'm going to go over to Ivan's casting studio and dig around a little and see what I can come up with.
I love this!
Oh my God.
Preston Beckworth died a few months ago.
He was in my fraternity.
Ivan started a memorial page.
I had no idea.
Were you guys close?
Back then but we kind of lost touch over the years.
Preston is one of those guys who is really shallow, bitchy, slutty and my god did he drink way too much and frankly I didn't want that kind of behavior rubbing off on me.
Don't say a word.
Are they casting something here today?
What is this?
I am totally right for this.
Why doesn't my manager ever submit me for this stuff.
What the hell are you doing here?
I didn't call you in to read for this.
Actually I came here to talk to you about something else but as long as I'm here...
Forget it.
Get lost, Dorkoff!
That's not very nice.
That's his name, queen!
How many more people do we have to see because... who's this?
A huge pain in the ass.
He was just leaving.
I was thinking about going with someone younger.
I can play young. What is this?
A pilot?
Commercial.
What's the product?
Adult diapers.
I'm Nelson Dorkoff.
I haven't started the camera yet.
I'm sorry.
I'm a little nervous.
I haven't had a commercial audition since I lost out to that guy from Modern Family for the national Tums spot.
Like you have to be famous to get indigestion.
I get gas all the time.
Just go ahead and slate your name.
Okay? Just go.
I'm Nelson Dorkoff and I'm with Last Stop Management.
Anytime you're ready, Nelson.
Here I am at a red carpet Hollywood premiere.
And I'm wearing a diaper.
Hey, look at me on the tennis court.
Nice backhand, right?
I'm wearing a diaper.
Wow!
Look at me!
I'm really raising the roof at a buddy's wedding.
And I'm wearing a diaper.
Soak 'Ems.
Super absorbent adult briefs.
I'm dry where it counts.
Thanks for coming in, Nelson.
Book him.
What?
I haven't seen anybody today who made me believe more that he wears a diaper.
Wait a minute.
Let's not rush into a decision.
There are actors we still need to see.
Actors with actual talent and credits.
I want him.
Make it happen.
See you on set.
Yep. We found our shitter.
You fat, hairy fuck.
Now I have to go tell the real actors to go home.
Hi, everyone. Listen, thank you so much for your time but the role has been cast.
Thank you.
But...
Get the fuck out!
Sorry, guys.
What can I say?
I nailed it.
Nice try though. Good effort.
Why did you come here, Nelson?
Was it to warn me to stay away from Todd or else?
No.
I don't need to warn you, Ivan.
I have complete trust in Todd.
And I am confident enough in our relationship to know you are no threat to me.
In fact, you rarely enter my mind.
Well, hardly ever.
You're a real piece of work, you know?
I don't know how you pulled this off.
This is a national campaign.
With Super Bowl spots.
Wait.
Are you saying I'm going to be the spokesperson and face of incontinence?
Yes.
Yes! Cha-ching!
Hello! Score!
Let's just go back to my office and fill out the paperwork.
Unbelievable!
You finish the rest of this and I'm going to go call your reps.
You have reps, don't you?
Oh, hey, Ivan, buddy, could you have some of the diapers, maybe a case, sent over to my house?
I want to be able to rehearse in them?
Do you ever shut the fuck up?
I need a smoke.
Mother fucker!
You know, smoking is really bad for you.
Shut up!
Oh my God.
Hello.
Reggie, oh my god.
You are not going to believe what I found.
What?
Fame!
I am going to be the voice of incontinence.
What are you talking about?
I'm at Ivan's casting studio.
I booked a national commercial!
You're supposed to be investigating him.
I am, Reggie.
And I found a gun too in his backpack.
What?
Okay, Nelson, I want you to get the hell out of there and be careful with that gun.
Reggie, I've been around guns before I know when the safety is on...
Nelson?
What the fuck was that?
A car backfired on Santa Monica Boulevard.
A car?
That didn't sound like a fucking car.
Well, it did.
I really have to go.
All my paperwork is done. It's right there.
I signed everything.
And thanks a lot for the diaper gig.
I really appreciate it.
Hey there, surprise!
We have some exciting news.
As of today you can now order our season 2 Where The Bears Are DVD.
That's right, our Season 2 DVD is available now and is bigger and better then the Season 1 DVD, isn't it?
Absolutely!
It is chock full of amazing extras, including the uncensored feature length version of Season 2 in uninterupted Movie form.
And guys, it's a whollopallooza it's somewhere around 2 1/2 hours.
It's like a Martin Scorsese film.
Or Lord of The Rings.
Or Roots the Next Generation.
You're getting your money's worth.
And when we say uncensored, we mean you get to see a lot of ass.
And who doesn't like to see ass.
And it also has a 20 minute Thanksgiving Special.
Original and can only be seen on the DVD.
Featuring the brilliant Brooke Dillman who's back as Honey Garrett to make Nelson's life miserable.
See how we did that?
We did a Christmas Special in Season 1 and a Thanksgiving Special in Season 2.
Can anyone say Halloween next year?
ANd Flag Day!
. It also features a very special half hour Wood's Web Cam Show.
Chronicling our recent trip to the Mediterranean sponsored by Cruise4Bears.
And edited by Ian.
I put it together as well.
It needs to be cut down.
It needs a lot of work.
It is amazing!
You get to see Wood making an ass of himself at the Coliseum.
The 2 of us fighting in Monaco and Reggie making out with basically every bear on the ship.
And if that's not enough, our DVD has the actual Soak 'Ems commercial that my character Nelson shot for Adult Diapers.
We're trying to sell DVD's.
You can fast forward past that.
You don't have to watch all the extras.
And like last season, we have bloopers, outtakes, deleted scenes and our infamous feature commentary.
Where we all get drunk and dish about what happened during the shoot this season.
And I make a fool of myself, again.
Lot's of Martinis and lots of Red Wine.
Please help us recoup our costs for Season 2 and begin raising money for Season 3.
We are completely self financed and it is only with your help that we are able to do this show.
So go to our online store at wherethebearsare.tv and preorder your Season 2 DVD today.
That way, you will get it before everyone else does. You can rub it in their faces.
And you'll get it in time for Thanksgiving.
And if you order the DVD's for both Season 1 and Season 2 together in a bulk, you get 5 dollars off.
You can't beat that.
Discount.
Can we drink now?
He got me drinking on the cruise.
I never use to drink.
It's 7AM.
It's happy hour somewhere.
I just got off the phone with the detectives.
The gun I found in Ivan's office matches the gun that killed Elliot Butler.
Bingo!
Yeah. We were right.
Your ex is the killer!
Crazy!
It turns out he has a history of mental illness.
In fact, he was hospitalized years ago for attacking somebody.
This is great.
Oh my God.
This is fantastic.
Wow.
I can't believe that I'm actually going to get justice and closure for Elliot's family.
Is that who you're texting?
No.
My book agent.
I'm going to get double the advance I got for the last book.
Double!
The cops went to pick up Ivan but he fled so they put out an APB on him.
Oh my God.
I hope this doesn't affect my Soak 'Ems campaign.
Speaking of which, I had an entire case of adult diapers delivered here earlier today and a few of them are missing.
Any idea where they went?
I didn't touch them.
Don't look at me.
I can control my bowels.
Okay. Okay.
I went to get the new iPhone at the Apple Store today.
But you have to wait in line all day and I didn't want to lose my spot.
PS:
Hello!
They are really super absorbant.
Come on.
Let's get some champagne and celebrate.
Yes.
This is surreal. I can't believe Ivan's a killer now.
I knew he had some emotional problems and when he went off his medication he really went off his medication.
But murder?
I didn't think he had it in him.
Hey. Look on the bright side.
You now get to brag to all your family and friends.
You're dating the Diaper King.
Yay.
Lucky me.
Who left that open?
Not a word or I'll slit your fucking throat.
The police are looking for you.
They're probably in Wood's bedroom as we speak.
Shut up you fat fuck!
I can't believe you.
You ruined my life.
You ruined your own life!
Killing your ex Elliot!
I found the gun in your office.
That's bullshit!
You planted it there!
Don't make things worse, Ivan.
Put down the knife.
No!
Why would Todd want to be with you?
Why doesn't Todd love me?
Elliot didn't love.
Todd doesn't love me.
Put down the knife!
Why doesn't anybody fucking love me?
Goodbye, Todd.
Are you all right?
You saved my life.
No.
You saved mine.
Oh my God!
I'm calling the police.
I'll do it.
Hello, police?
Can you come over to our house immediately?
Wow.
You 911 guys are really on top of it!
You guys are like super cops!
I didn't even have to leave my address for the operator.
Wood, we didn't come for the call.
We came to break up with you.
It was the only way we could save our marriage.
We thought we could make it work but at the end of the day three's a crowd.
Hey, but it was fun while it lasted.
Have fun making license plates in prison, Ivan!
I'm going to be making big money wearing diapers.
Nelson, are you okay?
Yeah, I'm fine.
Paramedics just gave me a couple of stitches.
Well, look at you all bad ass with the pain.
You know, I was really proud of you tonight.
You were very brave.
Hey, I have a great idea.
Let's get away for the weekend.
Take a mini vacation.
We can go to Big Bear.
But I didn't win the raffle for the cabin.
Can we afford it?
Are you kidding me?
After what happened here tonight?
My next book royalties are going to be through the roof!
I'm sorry I didn't take you more seriously about Ivan.
Hey, you don't owe me any apologies, okay.
If anybody owes any apologies around here it's me to you.
I've been nuts lately.
Imagining you having sex with everybody you encounter and thinking I see Cyril around every corner.
I've been crazy lately.
Look, I'll take you just the way you are.
And besides, don't crazy people have the best sex?
Yeah.
That explains it.
Hey everybody, this is Rick.
Before we roll episode 20, here's a sneak peak of our upcoming Season 2 DVD.
Every spy will tell you, when working undercover, always chose something that comes natural to you.
For me it's hobnobbing with other....oh shit.
Every spy will tell you, when working undercover, always chose something that comes natural to you.
For me it's rubbing elbows with fellow...
Every spy will tell you, when working undercover, always chose something that comes natural to you.
For me it's rubbing elbows... oh my god.
Every spy will tell you, when working undercover, always chose something that comes natural to you.
For me it's hobnobbing with other industry professionals and literary artists.
For you...(laughter)
Every spy will tell you.... (laughter)
And our Season 2 DVD is full of amazing extras.
Including the uncensored feature length version of our show.
And when we say uncensored, we mean you get to see a little ass.
It also has a 20 minute Thanksgiving episode.
Which mark the return of fan favorite, Rachel Ray wannabe, Honey Garrett.
We have a special half hour Wood's Web Cam episode.
About our recent trip to the Mediterranean, sponsored by CRUISE4BEARS.
And we also have Nelson's Soak 'Ems, adult diapers commercial.
So you don't want to miss that.
And all new Outtakes, Bloopers and Deleted Scenes.
And our infamous Feature Film commentary.
Where we all get drunk and dish about what happened behind the scenes.
Which basically means me, mostly.
So please, help us recoup our costs for Season 2 and start paying for Season 3.
Because we are completely self financed.
So it is only with your help that we can continue to do our show.
So go online, to our store, wherethebearsare.tv and preorder your DVD today.
And you will get it before everybody else does and in plenty of time for Thanksgiving.
And if you order Season 1 and Season 2 together, you get 5 dollars off. So there you go.
Enjoy todays episode. Today things get really hairy!
I can't tell you how much I'm looking forward to a quiet, stress free weekend.
Reggie, you totally scored with this place. This is amazing.
Yeah.
I can't believe my brush with death brought you so much fun money.
New suitcase?
And wardrobe.
Oh my god.
Wow.
Goodness.
Okay. I paid for this place.
I'm making sure we get the best bedroom.
You guys!
I think I saw a porno that was shot here once.
It's called "Cabin Full O' Cock"!
It's about a bunch of guys who have 10" penises.
And they jack off...they jacked off in front of that fireplace!
And they jackedoff in front of that book shelf!
Do you mind?
We have a guest with us.
Oh, it's okay.
I saw "Cabin Full O' Cock".
One, Two and Three.
They're classics!
I knew I liked this guy!
Three was the best.
Oh, you've seen it too?
I really appreciate you guys including me on your weekend.
This place is beautiful.
Well, we appreciate you coming along.
I'm going to go check on the chili.
Hey, could you bring us another round when you get the chance?
Sure.
Great. Thanks.
Okay, Reggie.
I've got to tell you.
I'm proud of you.
No really.
Asking him to come along?
That's a big step for you.
I know.
I hope I'm not making a mistake.
What the hell am I doing?
Nelson, I don't even know if I'm capable of dating just one person.
Listen to me.
That guy over there is for real.
I don't want you missing out on something special.
And I'm saying this because I love you.
I don't want you to run away like you always do.
Okay? Give this one a chance.
Well, howdy, handsome!
This is a coincidence seeing you here.
Danny, what are you doing here with Turbo?
We're staying at a cabin down the road.
A friend of ours won a weekend rental in a raffle so we decided to crash and enjoy a little honeymoon.
So you left your wife?
Yeah, finally.
This bear needed to roam in his natural habitat.
Damn.
So we heard about you guys solving Elliot Butler's murder.
I assume your roommates have taken us off the suspects list.
Yeah.
Sorry about the whole breaking into your office thing and me publicly exposing you with a kiss.
Because of that kiss from you, I'm up ten points in the polls today!
Well, we should probably get going but we'll be seeing you tonight?
Tonight?
Yeah.
We were at that little grocery store in town and ran into that big, tall, kind of slow guy.
Wood.
Yeah.
He invited us over to your house for cocktails so we'll be seeing you later, sexy.
All right.
Well, you bring the cock and I'll bring the tail.
You got it.
Hurry!
Hurry!
Okay.
First author to write about a gay detective.
Joseph Hansen!
Yes!
Oh, my favorite actress!
Her first movie was Napoleon and...
Jodie Foster!
Yes!
That's amazing.
I knew I was gay when I was twelve years old because I loved this band...
Oh, please.
ABBA!
Yes!
Time!
Did you all have some kind of mind meld or something beforehand?
You must have amazing sex.
Yeah.
And that was quite a team effort.
Thanks for including me.
Listen, I'm going to go fetch more snacks and I'm taking this with me.
Because I don't want any of you bitches cheating.
I'm going to get some more beers.
Who wants one?
Detective Winters!
You scared me.
I'm sorry.
I just had to come up here and see you.
I couldn't stop thinking about you.
Does Marcus know you're here?
No.
I told him I got called out of town on another case.
I hate lying to him but he's been acting really weird lately.
I just can't quit you, Wood.
I don't want to come between you and Marcus. Okay?
But I guess that's physically impossible because he's so far away so...
Australian country music singer married to Nicole Kidman.
Keith Urban!
Mommie Dearest!
Mildred Pierce!
Joan Crawford!
(DUMBO)
Hurry up!
Come on! Clock's ticking, Reggie!
Do a sound alike!
Who put this in here?
You can't ask that.
Well, who is it?
What?
I said who put this in here!
What's wrong with him?
Didn't you arrest me?
Yeah, that was me.
Cool.
Hey everybody.
Before you watch episode 21.
I'm going to show you a quick sneak peak of our Where The Bears Are Season 2 DVD.
Cha Ching!
Hello!
Score!
Ya!
Woow!
Ya!
Oh God!
Oh God!
Oh God!
Oh fuck!
Oh fuck!
Do you have any of those diapers laying around?
Our Season 2 DVD is chock full of amazing extras.
Including the uncensored, feature length version of our show.
And when we say uncensored, that means you get to see a little ass.
Well, actually, you get to see a lot of ass.
It also has an all new 20 minute Thanksgiving episode.
that marks the return of fan favorite, Honey Garrett, from Season 1.
There's also a very special half hour Wood's Web Cam segment.
That chronicles our recent trip to the Mediterranean.
That was sponsored by CRUISE4BEARS.
We had a blast and it was really funny.
And you get to see the actual Soak 'Ems commercial.
That, Nelson, my character shot for adult diapers.
And if that isn't worth the cost of the DVD. Me dancing around in diapers, I don't know what is.
You also get to see all new, never been seen, bloopers, outtakes and deleted scenes.
And our infamous feature length commentary.
Where we all get really drunk and dish about stuff that happened on the shoot.
So please help us recoup our costs for Season 2 and begin to raise money for a Season 3.
We are completely self financed. We do this all by ourselves.
So it's only with your help that we can continue to do our show.
So if you love our show, please support us.
Don't mind that airplane.
Keep listening to me.
Go to our online store at wherethebearsare.tv and pre order your DVD today.
That way you are going to have it before everyone else does and in plenty of time for Thanksgiving.
And that way you can be eating your Thanksgiving dinner and watching our Thanksgiving special at the same time.
And if you order both DVD's.
Hi plane.
If you order both Season 1 and Season 2 together, you get $5 off.
So you can't beat that.
Hi plane. Do it now.
Enjoy episode 21, There's a significant plot twist in this episode, so please keep it to yourself.
Keep the secret.
I don't know if I can watch it.
It's kind of scary.
What is the matter with you?
This!
Dumbo! Did you guys do this?
Are you screwing with me?
No.
Well, we're the only four people who knew what Elliot said to me right before he died.
If we didn't put that in there who did?
It's a very popular Disney movie.
Yeah, Nelson's right.
Anybody could have put it in there.
Yeah.
You're being paranormal.
He means paranoid.
And he's right.
Dumbo!
What are the odds?
And why didn't anybody out there admit to writing it down?
I don't know.
It's a lame Celebrity clue.
Maybe they're embarrassed.
They should be.
I think you've been reading too many mystery novels.
Ivan is Elliot's killer.
He's in jail now.
He was arrested.
He tried to kill the two of us.
But we never connected him to Dumbo.
What if Dumbo was a clue identifying the real killer?
What if Ivan isn't the killer and the real killer is still lurking around out there somewhere?
Oh my god!
Calm down.
Are you high?
Did you do a pot brownie or something?
We agreed.
No more medicinal marijuana.
Especially on vacations.
Don't you remember what happened last time?
Wood thought he was the lunesta butterfly and tried to fly out of a window naked?
I am not high!
Well, you're acting crazy.
Just like me thinking I'm seeing Cyril everywhere.
It's the same thing.
Reggie, are you okay?
The guys all left.
I'm worried about you.
I'm all right.
I'm just exhausted.
Can we just call it a night?
I'm sorry about all that.
My nerves are just a little on edge.
Hey, thanks for being here for me.
I'm really glad you came.
I'm glad I came too.
That's what I'm talking about.
I've waited a long time for this.
Here we go.
And...
I don't know about you.
But the mountains make me pretty horny.
Is that so?
Yeah.
How are you feeling?
I kind of like that.
How's that?
That's good too.
I thought I took care of that earlier though.
It came back.
Better take care of it again.
How are those nipples doing?
Oh it's going to be that kind of night, huh?
It is going to be that kind of night.
Okay.
Here we go.
Oh my god!
What?
What?
I thought I saw Cyril again.
Again?
I know.
I know.
It's crazy.
I'm just being paranoid like Reggie.
Forget it.
He's not out there.
He's not out there.
He's not out there.
No.
Let's go to bed.
Let's have sex.
(phone rings)
Hello?
Good morning, sleepy head.
I didn't want to wake you earlier but I went into town to get bagels.
I will love you forever if you put some coffee on.
Jeremy?
I always knew you'd be a screamer Reggie, but don't be rude and wake up the whole house.
What?
No coffee?
Do I have to do everything Reggie-Reg?
Reggie?
I don't understand.
Why would you come back here?
To be with you.
I'm crazy about you, Reggie.
I've been waiting for my moment to surprise you.
But you were never alone.
Cyril, I am sorry if during our interviews I gave you the wrong impression.
How could you shoving your tongue down my throat possibly give me the wrong impression?
Okay, I may have crossed a line, but we can't be together.
It's because of Nelson, isn't it?
He doesn't approve.
What's his beef anyway?
Oh, I don't know.
Maybe you stabbing him in the neck with the poison injection thing?
Maybe?
He really needs to let that go.
Wood, we made breakfast...
Todd, we need two more place settings.
They both showed up last night and said they couldn't live without me.
We're going to give this whole thruple thing a try.
Oh my god.
Look at them.
They both have morning wood.
Just when I think I can't get more progressive, you raise the bar.
Okay.
I just need to borrow your phone.
My battery is dead and I need to check my e-mail.
They want to schedule a costume fitting for this commercial I'm doing next week.
I thought adult diapers were one size fits all.
Morning.
Morning.
Hey!
Morning.
Hi.
Morning.
Okay.
I'm just going to go out and I'll come back later to borrow the phone.
No.
Borrow the phone.
Just hurry.
I really do need to check my e-mail.
Where is it?
Oh!
Yes!
Is it over here?
All right.
I'm not seeing anything.
You're three consenting adults.
Awesome detectives.
But you know what?
One of you is better at that than the other.
Wood, the phone's not here.
It's not here.
It was there last night.
Oh, you know what?
It's in the bed.
I'm not going in the bed.
Where?
Here?
Just get it.
Hurry up!
I'm busy.
Hello!
Dude, that's my ass!
Not a phone!
Okay.
Got it!
Victory.
I'm sorry detectives.
Rude!
You were the one who asked me to go under the covers!
Just get the hell out!
Don't mind me!
Now I can finally have you to myself.
No more distractions.
Who is this Jeremy douchebag anyway?
He's so fucking milquetoast!
I expected more from you, Reggie.
We'll be getting rid of him too.
Oh my god!
You killed Elliot.
And it's all my fault.
You overheard me talking about him on the phone.
Elliot looks so much better than he did in college.
He's all beefed up.
He's got this sexy beard.
And he's going to be a big time politician now.
I will be with you in one minute.
Why can't I find someone like that?
Nelson wasn't being paranoid.
You were at the pool party.
You saw how bad I wanted to get in to see Elliot and that drove you crazy.
So you waited until he was alone.
And you shot him dead.
You found a way to gain access to Ivan's office.
And then you planted the gun on Ivan knowing it would come out eventually that he was Elliot's unstable ex.
I knew I shouldn't have kissed you that day.
I should have learned from the mistakes of my idol Truman Capote who got way too close to those "In Cold Blood" guys!
My therapist told me that it was healthy to point out the annoying habits of your lover so that it doesn't build up inside and cause problems later.
So here goes.
Reggie, you talk too much!
We are not a couple, Cyril!
We never will be!
I knew this was going to be a messy break up.
Hey everybody, before you watch episode 22.
I'm going to show you a sneak peek of something that's on our Where the Bears Are Season 2 DVD.
Take a look.
Scene 104.1.
Take 1.
That should be on.
Howie, you're going to step in.
Not a fucking word.
I'll slit your throat.
The police are looking for you.
In fact, they're probably in Wood's room as we speak.
Shut up, you fat fuck.
I can't believe you.
You ruined my life.
You ruined your own life!
Yeah.
Killing your ex Elliot?
I found your gun in your office.
That's bullshit.
You planted it there.
Don't make things worse, Ivan.
Put down the knife.
No!
Why would Todd want to be with you?
wouldn't he want to be with me?
Put down the knife!
No!
How come nobody fucking loves me?
Great. That's pretty cool, right?
Our Season 2 DVD is chalk full of extras including an uncensored feature length version of our movie and when we say uncensored it means you get to see some ass.
And there's some pretty fine ass on this DVD.
It also has an all new 20 minute Thanksgiving special.
You know how we did a Christmas special on the first DVD?
This one's a Thanksgiving special.
I don't know if you're noticing a pattern forming.
It also features fan favorite Honey Garrett who is coming back for that episode which is really cool.
We also have a very special half hour Wood's web cam episode that chronicles our trip to the Mediterranean that was sponsored by Cruise4Bears.
We had a blast on that trip and there's some really funny stuff.
It also has a Soak 'Ems commercial that Nelson does wearing the diaper.
It's stupid.
It's funny!
Yeah.
You'll like it.
There are also new, never before seen bloopers, outtakes, deleted scenes.
A lot of deleted scenes.
We shot so much this season and couldn't put it all in the show.
We also have commentary where we sit around and we drink a lot of beers and have some pizza and just dish about what happened during the shoot. That's pretty cool.
We have a car passing by so the sound is going to probably be a little bad here.
I want to move forward.
So help us recoup the cost of season 2 and hopefully start raising money for season 3.
Because it's only with your help that we can do the show.
We are completely self-financed and it's up to you guys and us to make sure we can keep this thing going.
So go to our online store wherethebearsare.tv and pre-order your DVD today.
So you get it way before Thanksgiving.
And you can watch the Thanksgiving episode at home while you're having Thanksgiving dinner.
And if you order both DVDs of season 1 and season 2 at the same time you save 5 bucks.
That's pretty cool.
But here's the biggest thing.
There is a pretty significant plot twist in this episode and I think it would be pretty cool if no one gave it away to anyone so please don't ruin it for anybody else.
Don't post about it or comment on it on Facebook.
Let everybody have the same discovery that you guys do.
I hope you like this episode.
It was really fun shooting.
Take care.
We are not a couple, Cyril!
We never will be!
I knew this was going to be a messy breakup.
Jeremy!
What the fuck?
Who the hell is that?
His name is Cyril.
It's a long story.
You wouldn't believe me even if I told you.
Oh my god if you hadn't come along...
You okay?
Nelson can rest easy now that Cyril is back behind bars for good.
We all can.
Should I be nervous about dating you? .
I mean this whole murder thing seems to be a pattern with you guys.
Well, hopefully that's the last of it.
This is nice. I'm glad the guys let us have the place for a couple of hours.
Jeremy, I want to apologize for judging you at first.
I don't care about what you do or how much money you make.
I care about you.
And I'm starting to develop some really deep feelings for you.
(phone rings)
(phone rings)
Seriously?
I better get that.
Hello?
Detective Winters, please.
I'm sorry.
He's not in. May I take a message?
Yeah.
He left me this number to call if I had some information for him.
I was finally able to track that gas receipt from that station at Beachwood and Franklin.
It doesn't matter anymore.
We have a copy of the receipt.
Jeremy Richards' card was used on that date but the surveillance video shows that it was a woman who came in and made the transaction.
I'm sorry.
Did you say a woman?
Yes.
It may have been Jeremy's card but it definitely wasn't him.
Are you saying Jeremy Richards never was at that gas station?
Doesn't look like it.
You know I was really starting to care about you.
That's why I didn't kill you when I had the chance but now I guess I'm going to have to.
Oh my god!
I totally forgot about the gas station security cameras.
I thought my receipt was going to be enough of an alibi.
My bad!
So who's the girl?
She in on it with you?
She's just a neighbor I had to me to and from the pool party.
I told her I wanted to be able to drink and not have to drive.
So she used your credit card to fill up your gas tank?
Very good, Jessica Fletcher.
And then I went in and put a big fucking bullet right in your friend Elliot's chest.
And she came and picked me up a few minutes later.
Having no idea you're a murderer!
Why?
Why did you do it, Jeremy?
Oh, you still don't remember me, do you?
I'm Dumbo.
I don't know why I would expect you to remember me.
Elliot and your bitchy fraternity brothers, they didn't remember me either!
At least not at first.
Dumbo...
Is it starting to come back to you?
Hey, guys.
I'm here. Sorry.
So we have to narrow down the list of possible pledges for rush week.
What about Jeremy Richards?
You mean Dumbo?
Oh my god!
Did you see his ears?
No shit! I wonder if he has bionic hearing.
When I interviewed him. I asked him if I could tell him this funny story about this chick I'm banging.
And guess what he said?
I'm all ears!
And he is!
So we should blackball Dumbo.
Oh my god!
Blackball him?
Absolutely!
Listen up!
Dumbo is blackballed! Hear this!
You're done!
Dumbo..
Dumbo...
Dumbo...
You went through fraternity rush.
We blackballed you.
I was eavesdropping outside the fraternity house window and I heard every mean word you people said about me.
The nickname Dumbo?
How clever, Reggie?
You think I never heard that one before?
Jeremy, I'm sorry...
Save it!
Yeah, so I had insanely large ears!
So what?
But thanks to my cousin, esteemed plastic surgeon Dr. Ronnie Berkowitz of Boca Raton
I had the world's first ear reduction surgery.
And you look amazing!
I was shallow back then.
I was young and I was stupid.
I'm not that way now!
Really?
Really?
Really?
Please!
You still judge me!
I threw myself at you and you still think you're superior to me!
Help!
Help!
Wow.
Here we are.
Episode 23 of Where the Bears Are Season 2.
It's hard to believe we're here, right?
Hey before we get to that I have some very special news.
I want to let everybody know that just because this is the last episode of season 2.
That doesn't mean we're going to stop posting.
We're actually going to keep posting until Christmas.
Every Monday and Thursday at wherethebearsare.tv and Facebook.
We're going to show you a lot of sneak peeks of the upcoming season 2 DVD and also some special surprises I can't even tell you about so you've got to keep watching every Monday and Thursday at wherethebearsare.tv and Facebook.
And speaking of sneak peeks here is one from our upcoming season 2 DVD.
Hey, we're here at the Coliseum in Rome.
Quick little fun fact.
This is the structure that they built for Celine Dion to perform in.
I'm not sure if she's going to be here tonight or not but we're hoping to get tickets.
We're waiting in this long ass line.
Pretty amazing.
I mean everything here is just unbelievable.
Wow.
It seems...
Celine Dion doesn't perform here, Wood.
That's Las Vegas!
Our Season 2 DVD is bigger and better than our first season.
It's chalk full of amazing extras including our uncensored feature length version of season 2 in uninterrupted movie form.
And when we say uncensored we mean you get to see a lot of ass.
I like ass.
Who doesn't like to see ass?
It also has a 20 minute Thanksgiving special that you can only see on the DVD.
It also has a very special Wood's web cam show featuring our recent trip to the Mediterranean which was sponsored by Cruise4Bears.
And if that's not enough, it also has the actual Soak 'Ems commercial that my character Nelson shot for adult diapers.
And if that's not getting your money's worth, seeing me in adult diapers, I don't know what is.
That's one of those extras that you really can't unsee.
Skip!
And like last season we have the bloopers, the deleted scenes, we have the outtakes and the feature length commentary where we all get drunk and dish about what happened during the season.
So please help us recoup our cost for season 2 and raise money for season 3.
Because we are completely self-financed.
The only way we can do this show is with your help so please go to our website wherethebearsare.tv and pre-order your season 2 DVD today.
And if you order the DVDs of both seasons 1 and 2 together you get 5 dollars off.
And like my Mom says, it's like a sore dick.
You can't beat it.
Your Mom is sweet.
And one more thing.
On that note, we just want to say thank you so much for coming back this season.
And to those you have discovered our show and have been so supportive.
And it's just overwhelming to us and we want to do this show forever and we can only do it because you guys have been so wonderful.
We can't believe your generosity and all the wonderful things you say to us through e-mail and on Facebook and we just can't thank you enough so thank you thank you thank you for all your support and your generosity.
And it's been great meeting you all at the events we've been at.
We were at Provincetown and that was a lot of fun.
So thanks for supporting us.
Now sit back, relax and enjoy the season finale of Where the Bears Are Season 2.
I don't think anybody's going to be relaxed watching this.
I know.
It's kind of scary.
Bye!
Thank you!
Why couldn't we have driven to dinner?
Hiking back after a huge meal sucks.
Well, it's good for you, and we said we were going to try and get your triglycerides down, right?
Whatever.
I'm fat.
Who gives a shit?
I give a shit.
And your heart gives a shit too, okay?
Let's go.
Did you even know I was a legacy at that fraternity?
But you assholes still blackballed me.
I never got into the prestigious grad schools that you guys did!
So what?
They only load you up with student loan debt!
I never made the connections that other people make.
Those are overrated.
I never got the breaks or the traction for any career path.
What about your charity work for the dolphins?
It was orphans!
Shit.
And I was lying, you idiot!
There is no charity!
I'm unemployed.
My whole life has been shit!
Until last year.
When I finally had the interview for my dream job.
And it was between me and one other guy.
And I didn't get it!
How is that my fault?
They gave it to one of your fraternity brothers!
So you decided to kill us?
One by one.
A faulty brake-line in Hartford.
A fake suicide in Madison.
And then I finally headed west to finish off the final two.
You and Elliot.
Looks like we hit a dead end, lover!
You ready to die!
Hey, isn't that Jeremy and Reggie?
Yeah.
Oh, wow.
They're at lookout point.
That's romantic.
It kind of looks like they're arguing about something.
Yeah.
And why is Jeremy wielding a pitchfork?
We have to help him.
Yeah, but we've got to sneak up them because if we spook them they're going to go over the edge!
Okay.
(Moaning)
Elliot finally figured out who you were, didn't he?
Yeah.
Even after the ear reduction.
I saw that guy leave the house after having sex with Elliot and then I slipped inside.
He had heard about the untimely deaths of your frat brothers and he was starting to piece it together.
That's why he texted you.
He was going to warn you.
Only I didn't give him the chance.
You were the one who planted the murder weapon on Ivan to throw everybody off.
Yeah.
Just because I wanted to take my own sweet time with you.
What are you doing?
What are you doing?
We're enjoying our vacation.
In a sling?
In a public forest?
Yes!
Guys, shut up!
You need to come with us now!
Reggie's in trouble!
What do you mean he's in trouble?
You guys are cops!
Do something!
We left our guns at the cabin!
But you remembered to bring a sling?
Come on, Reggie!
Jump!
Save us both the trouble!
Come on, Reggie.
Just do it! Jump!
Why postpone the inevitable?
Do it!
Do it!
Fuck you, Dumbo!
Freeze, Jeremy!
We've got you surrounded!
Hey!
Hey!
Holy shit!
Oh my god!
There he is!
Hold on, Reggie!
Come on!
Reach!
Reach!
I can't!
I can't reach!
Get something to throw to him!
Anything!
Get the sling!
Get the sling!
I can't hold on for much longer!
Hurry!
Keep holding!
Reggie, grab it!
Grab the sling!
Grab it!
Pull!
Pull!
Pull!
Oh god!
Hey, do me a favor? Next time let me find my own boyfriend.
I will.
I promise.
I can't believe I have to sleep alone tonight.
The detectives both had to go back to LA and it was my turn to be the pig on the spit.
Wow, Wood.
You're really getting into this whole menage a trois, aren't you?
Sorry but I don't speak Spanish.
You okay?
What you need is a long dip in the hot tub.
That sounds great.
We'll meet you out there.
Oh!
Look at this!
How cool is this?
Do you think they would notice it was missing because it would look so perfect in our living room.
The trunk opens!
Like I said.
Great ass...
Horrible taste!
Are you going to be all right?
You know what?
No.
I don't think I'm going to be all right.
I am so tired of being alone.
I would love to find someone real.
But a part of me feels like I'm never going to find it so maybe it's easier pretending I don't want it.
Am I ever going to be as lucky as you, Nelson?
Am I ever going to find what you found with Todd?
Of course you are!
Reggie, come on.
You're a terrific guy.
You know I don't think we say this enough but you're a good friend too.
We love you, Reggie.
And you're never getting rid of us.
Come here.
Get in here.
Let's do the hug.
Thanks, guys.
I love you too.
And you're right.
We're always going to be together.
Cheers to that.
Except maybe tonight.
I just got hit up on Growler about an hour ago by a guy staying two cabins down the road.
His name is Fredrico.
He's this hot sexy muscle bear from Spain!
And he read my book and he loved it!
Although I don't know how much he really understands because his English is horrible!
But really who cares because let me show you the naked pictures he sent me of himself.
I think I'm moving to Spain tomorrow so maybe we won't be together.
I'm going to have to learn Spanish.
And I don't know a word of Spanish except activo and passivo.
And don't you dare say a word about what you think I am because I'm a versatile.
Settsu Mine, Hyogo 1878 (MEIJI ERA 11)
You're really sure he's here?
We've been watching for two months. There's no mistake.
Let's end this here.
Be very careful.
Over here!
Who are you?
Halt!
Do you believe in hell?
Surely a world like this, awash in blood, deserves the name hell.
Are you Makoto Shishio?
What if I am?
You know damn well!
Uh-uh.
Don't move from there.
I love that sound!
You bastard!
Why do you think I knew you were coming?
Hajime Saito of the Shogun's Shinsengumi police.
A traitor...
We both remember the Shogun.
Are you content with what this world has become?
Take off that new-government uniform.
Come and join us.
We will turn the clock back to those days of upheaval.
I take orders from no one.
No?
Very well.
Shishio!
Man is born to carnage.
This world itself is hell.
Shishio!
RUROUNI KENSHIN:
KYOTO INFERNO
Kyoto is in chaos!
What do the Shogun's police think they're doing?
Indeed!
At least they shouldn't be adding to the trouble!
Onward.
Who's that?
Here he comes!
Who are you?
That scar!
My name is not one worth stating.
I walk the streets of Kyoto, dreaming of a new age when the Emperor reigns supreme.
Bakkyusai the Killer.
I am he!
What nerve!
We will cut you down!
Have at him!
Why is Battosai the villain?
"Bakkyusai", not "Battosai."
Bakkyusai?
Hang in there!
Asakusa, Tokyo
You're an old legend now, "Battosai."
Invigorate the Heart
Step in!
Hit him first!
Watch him!
Harder!
Shout out!
We have returned.
We're back!
Hello.
Sensei!
Why won't you teach us?
You're why we came here!
Please!
You're mistaken.
I am merely a guest here.
I am no master of fencing.
But...
The way of the sword has changed.
The motto of the Kamiya Dojo is "invigorate the heart."
In this new age, that is what the sword must teach you.
If it's a fight you want, Street-fightin' Sanosuke's your man!
I don't charge much.
Well?
What do you say?
You want to fight?
Why not show them some stuff?
These days of peace have no need for my High Heaven style.
Kenshin!
Miss Megumi!
How's the clinic?
Business good?
Doctors don't talk about "good business," you oaf!
I'll get dinner ready.
Wait. You have visitors.
You're Mr. Himura?
What would you like?
I'm Superintendent Kawaji.
Someone wishes to talk with you.
Would you come with me?
Hey!
We're just getting ready for dinner here.
Who sent you to come waltzing in here like this?
Toshimichi Okubo, the Home Minister.
Who's that?
The top man in the government, that's who.
Don't go.
It'll just be trouble.
Hey...
If he goes, I come with him.
I don't trust you guys in the new government.
Fine.
Come with us.
I won't be long.
Home Ministry
Excuse us.
It's been a long time, Mr. Okubo.
At last we meet again.
You know him?
I'll come straight to the point.
What is it?
Shishio is plotting in Kyoto.
Shishio?
Who's that?
Another assassin.
What?
The successor to Battosai the Killer.
When you laid down your sword at the Battle of Toba-Fushimi, he was fighting there, too.
He was one of our assassins.
In speed, skills, and quick thinking, he was a match for you.
However, unlike you, he cared nothing for the weak, or for those with him.
Victory!
It's the Emperor's banner!
We've won!
Ruthless ambition.
A wish to rule for which he will trample over anyone.
That's Shishio.
I've won!
Well done!
We won!
Thanks to you!
You did it!
Well done!
You bastards!
Bastards!
You bastards!
Some of his assassinations were so brutal they would have brought discredit on the new government.
We had to eliminate him.
You put down your sword, and his body was burned.
He should have died, but then it snowed...
He's alive?
He disappeared into the Kyoto underworld.
He's taken in a bunch of bloodthirsty mercenaries and formed his own private army.
He has one aim in mind, to overthrow the new government.
Wait a minute!
He hates the government for a reason.
Why drag Kenshin into this?
He's destroyed every force we've sent against him!
The only one we can turn to is you.
Mr. Okubo,
you look worn out.
Building the new age is much harder work than destroying the old one.
Enrich the country, strengthen the military
I don't expect an immediate answer to a request like this.
Will you take a week and think about it?
So, on May 14th, one week from today,
I hope you'll say yes.
That's crazy!
They want Kenshin to assassinate him?
It's not my idea!
They want Kenshin to clean up the mess that they've made!
Bastards!
Not only that.
You will, of course, be well-rewarded.
And there are certain illegalities we are prepared to overlook.
For example,
Megumi Takani's acquittal on an opium charge.
That's bullshit!
If that's how they're pressuring him, they can hang me first!
Tell me about it!
I won't let you go to Kyoto.
Kioicho, Tokyo
May 14
Without Himura, the nation is lost.
How do you do?
What the...
I have a message from Mr. Shishio.
"If you're thinking of sending Battosai Himura against me,
"don't waste your time.
"This land will be mine."
There!
Now it's clean.
Is this the time for laundry?
Tell them to take that job and shove it.
You really hate the new government, don't you?
I hate people like that.
Kenshin?
I'm going to Mr. Okubo's now.
Yahiko, will you hang these out?
Maybe I'll come, too.
No, it might get complicated.
I'm best alone.
He's chosen life as a wanderer who never kills.
He won't leave you and go to Kyoto.
Here he comes.
Let's go.
Ichiro Shimada, samurai!
Tsurahide Cho, samurai!
Villains!
Someone got here before us!
Okubo!
Mr. Okubo...
There were men planning to assassinate him.
We used that.
Was he one of Shishio's men?
This is how Shishio works!
He wreaks havoc using what he learns from spies he has everywhere.
You never see his hand!
He'll whittle away at us until the day he rises up.
Come with me.
Who are they?
Officers Shishio killed.
He's taunting us.
He sent them last night, as if to coincide with today.
I will repeat Mr. Okubo's request.
You are our only hope.
Japan is about to lose its way.
Shishio will seize his chance.
It's war.
See you in Kyoto.
Extra!
Extra!
Lord Okubo assassinated!
The Home Minister's been assassinated!
Assassins Kill Home Minister Okubo!
You're back.
Shishio did that.
We cannot let him go on.
I will go to Kyoto.
To kill
Shishio?
Even when you found out
I was Battosai the Killer, you let me stay at your dojo.
That made me very happy.
But to those who hate the likes of Shishio or Battosai,
Battosai is who I remain.
But why?
Why do you have to go?
What do you care if he hates the government?
Stay here.
Eat with us, practice with us, laugh with us.
When I swore off killing, Shishio took my place.
It is my job to stop him.
If you go,
you might fall back into killing.
No one can throw away his past.
Thank you and goodbye.
Once again,
I will be a wanderer.
That son of a bitch!
Damn him!
I'll help.
He took off alone and left me!
He doesn't want anyone in his way.
What?
Who'd be in whose way?
Don't start yelling at us!
That's not what I meant.
Kaoru!
Why are you acting like nothing's wrong?
Kaoru!
Of course she's upset, stupid!
You too, Yahiko!
Smarten up!
You shut up!
Damn it!
Hey!
Come back here!
This is bullshit!
Damn him!
Damn it!
What do you want?
Battosai Himura.
Word is there's someone like him around here.
There's no Battosai here.
Out of my way.
Perfect!
You want trouble?
You found it.
Where is Battosai?
Take me and I'll tell you.
Sanosuke!
Sanosuke!
Tell me before you pass out.
Let me think...
Stop it!
Where is Battosai?
Tell me!
I'm just a passing doctor.
Odawara, on the Tokaido Highway
He's got a sword!
They were banned years ago!
Battosai's passed Odawara.
He'll come through the village.
Probably.
Let's arrange a welcome.
Could I have my sword back?
How?
It's of no use to anyone but me.
Yeah, sure!
If you're still keeping it now that swords are illegal, that means it's valuable.
Hold it!
Give me that!
But it's my sword!
Give it to me, I said!
Wait!
Please tell me why you want it.
Excuse me.
This sword is a back-blade.
Only the back of the blade is sharp.
So the front won't cut?
My scabbard?
I thank you.
Who are you, anyway?
I am a mere wanderer.
Why is a girl stealing swords?
To pay for a journey.
That is no reason to steal.
Keep your advice!
Who's there?
Help!
Help!
Help my brother!
Brother!
Brother!
Save our village.
What happened?
I'm a constable.
I lost contact with my home village.
I went to see what was wrong.
Shishio found out who I was.
Eiji.
Brother!
Take care of him, will you?
Here's water.
Brother!
Brother!
Brother!
Brother!
This way.
Dad!
Mom!
Dad!
Mom!
Animals!
Those animals!
Dad!
Mom!
Animals!
Animals!
Dad!
Mom!
You killed my mom and dad!
I'll kill you!
Who are you?
You want to die, too?
Are you Shishio's men?
What if we are?
Why did you kill those two?
Their son was going to tell the world about this village.
They took the blame.
The penalty is death.
As an example?
Watch the boy.
Kill him!
Let's bury them.
Wait!
Leave them.
If we cut them down, we will anger Shishio.
We'll be helpless before him.
What are you talking about?
They're from your village!
They should never have gone against Shishio!
No!
Don't do it!
Mom!
Mom!
Mom!
Mom!
Mom!
Dad!
Dad!
Dad!
Dad!
Dad!
Mom!
So this is the world that Shishio wants...
Very well done!
Taking all these men by yourself.
So the stories are true,
Battosai Himura.
Himura?
"Battosai?"
Mr. Shishio calls.
Mr. Shishio!
Please!
This sword deserves its reputation.
It cuts.
Your visitor is here.
You're Shishio?
At least say "mister," even if you had the job first.
Why this village?
You want the whole country, not a few small places.
The hot spring here is good for my skin.
But without bandages, I scare people away.
So to spare them that,
I made the village mine.
Damn you.
Don't be mad. I'm just kidding.
It's a joke.
Is this revenge for what the government did?
I don't care about revenge now.
Far from it. I'm grateful.
My injuries taught me a lot.
Trust, and you'll be betrayed.
Drop your guard, and you die.
Kill first, before they kill you.
The strong survive, and the weak die.
Reality, plain and simple.
I will make this country strong.
That is the justice I will bring.
Soon the whole land...
It is not you who sheds blood for justice.
Draw, Makoto Shishio.
I won't allow any more bloodshed for this thing you call justice.
Sojiro, play with him for me.
May I?
In that case, I don't mind if I do.
What's that sword?
I'm disappointed.
I'll see you in Kyoto.
Come back as the real killer.
You're running away?
That's not nice.
Stick around and let's play. Mr. Shishio says we can.
What's so funny?
Nothing's funny.
Nothing.
It's a battle of technique.
They're both equally fast.
What will decide the outcome is that one is happy to kill and one is not.
Look what you did to this sword!
Have a new sword ready for the next time we meet.
Now's your chance!
Take revenge for your mother and father!
No!
Stop it!
Kill them!
You will please no one by soiling those little hands.
The dead wish only that the living be happy.
In time, those little hands will grow big and you will be a man.
Do not use your strength to oppress, like those who serve Shishio.
And do not let fear make you helpless, like these people of the village.
Be a man who guards his family to the last, like your brother.
Look what he did to a Kotetsu Nagasone sword.
I underestimated him.
"Kotetsu Nagasone?"
A swordsman like you doesn't know him?
Most people would give their eye teeth to have a sword he made.
That's good.
Very good.
Yes!
Excellent!
Welcome back, sir!
Have you done what I wanted?
We have all the weapons you asked for.
Sojiro.
Do something for me.
Anything but pay for that sword.
Summon the Ten Swords.
What?
You mean, at last?
When they arrive,
we go to war.
I can't stand this.
Stand what?
Get down to Kyoto.
Stop pretending.
I'm not pretending.
It is my opinion as a doctor that while everyone might think Kenshin is invulnerable,
I think he is a gifted athlete, but otherwise he's no different from us.
Where one wound might easily heal multiple wounds add up.
And Kenshin's battle hasn't only just begun.
There's more than guns or swords that could kill him.
You'll regret it if you wait.
I'm going.
He'll face more than just Shishio.
But you're still hurt!
Quiet!
I'll heal up on the road.
I'll toughen up.
Wait!
Then take this.
An elixir.
An old family recipe.
Take it once a day.
And this.
It's salve.
Give Kenshin some, too.
Thanks.
But, you bring it.
It's not my job to heal his wounds.
Right!
Right!
I'm on my way!
Kyoto
Found you!
I almost lost you!
Have you got a place to stay?
I know a good, cheap inn.
- No, thank you.
- Wait, wait, wait!
I'm Misao Makimachi.
I'm not a villain.
Trust me.
Come on!
There it is!
But...
I'm back!
Hey!
A guest!
Welcome!
Elder?
I'm back!
Misao!
Come here!
I'll take your things.
Don't be shy.
But...
He helped me out.
Let him stay, all right?
We'll charge through the nose!
Just kidding!
Hello.
You're welcome here,
Battosai Himura.
Yes.
The Battosai Himura
Aoshi's looking for.
Please...
You've had a long journey.
Thank you.
It's been ten years since you were in Kyoto, Battosai.
I've always thought some day we would meet.
I never thought it would be here, like this.
You are?
I am a ninja, one of the Hidden Watchers who was stationed with the Kyoto Constabulary.
So Miss Misao...
Yes.
The Shogunate assigned me to gather information in the guise of an innkeeper, as you see me now.
When all of you brought down the Shogun, this became my living.
But there were those among the Shogun's servants for whom the transition was not so easy.
One of the Watchers stationed outside Edo Castle was Aoshi Shinomori.
You remember the two sides agreed Edo Castle would be surrendered and there would be no bloodshed in Edo itself.
Had that not happened, you would probably have encountered him.
You were the two champions of each side.
The Watchers were given no opportunity to fight.
And to make sure we wouldn't, the Shogun's men...
Why are you doing this to us?
Intruder!
Even though the new government had offered him a post,
Aoshi still tried to save his men from death at the Shogun's hands.
Captain!
So the victors write the history?
And we're flung into the dark?
Ryujo!
Shoot them!
Captain!
Live on!
Long live the Watchers!
Long may our name live!
With no companions to preserve, or Shogunate to hate, all of his anger and despair turned on Battosai Himura, the greatest fighter of the age.
He aims to kill you and, before the graves of his dead comrades, proclaim the Watchers as the mightiest of all.
And Miss Misao?
She doesn't know the demon he's become.
She still pines for him.
I understand.
However, I have come to Kyoto to put an end to Shishio.
I see.
After ten years, Battosai comes back to Kyoto.
I knew there had to be a reason.
The Hidden Watchers network of informants remains in place.
If you have need of us, please do not hesitate to ask.
I'll take you up on that.
Yes?
Could you find someone for me?
The father of this sword,
Shakku Arai.
Let's find him right away.
Excuse us.
Another guest.
Make yourself at home.
You're here?
Everyone knows who you are.
Takano, Kyoto Police.
These are Shishio's villages.
The government has abandoned about a dozen.
They're under Shishio's control.
Where's the army?
They could fix this!
I'm afraid we cannot afford to show weakness in the face of the Western powers.
They're just all afraid they'll end up like Okubo.
Then what do we do?
The way we're going, we play right into Shishio's hands.
That's exactly the reason we're all here now.
Permission to enter!
That was quick.
I only live over in Osaka.
Take it easy here till the others arrive.
Yumi...
So?
Where's Battosai now?
Kyoto, we think.
Probably looking for a sword to replace the one Sojiro broke.
Battosai's sword would have come from the best swordsmith.
That means Shakku Arai.
You can always depend on Cho to know those things.
Battosai's a bit of a fool, isn't he?
Trying to get a dead man to make him a sword.
Shakku...
Shakku Arai, d. 1870
Himura!
So you're going?
Without killing anymore, I will try to preserve those who seek to bring about a new age.
Well, if you find a way, I sure hope you'll tell me.
A farewell gift.
Try being a swordsman wearing one of those.
Then you'll know what you're saying is nonsense.
The blade's on the back?
If your head's still full of that nonsense when it breaks, come back to Kyoto and find me again.
Seiku!
Someone's here.
Coming.
Can I help you?
Mr. Seiku Arai?
Yes.
I owe your father a great debt of gratitude.
Learning he has passed away, I have come with a request.
Could you please make me a sword?
My father would often say how his swords would create a new age.
But the truth is that those swords took many lives.
You can say it was the times, and it had to be that way but this is the new age.
Killing to change the world...
The new age no longer requires those weapons or that logic.
Now I make kitchen knives or things for everyday use.
I'm sorry, but I will never make another sword.
Very well.
I'm sorry to bother you.
Wow!
So this is Kyoto!
Hey!
Stop leering!
That hurt!
Save that for when you grow up.
I'm just looking!
We're here to find Kenshin, so get looking for him.
Yeah, I know.
Windmills for sale!
Windmills!
Come and get one!
Look!
Windmills!
Windmills for sale!
Hey!
What are you doing?
What's wrong?
I'm just playing with him.
What's the problem?
He's got lori!
Who would you be?
Do you wish something of me?
You're Shakku Arai's son Seiku?
Rumor has it that you've still got the last sword your dad made.
No one's ever used it, right?
Can I see it?
What's wrong?
Mr. Himura!
The police!
Get the police!
Our baby!
Our baby!
Calm down, will you!
Come on now! Don't cry!
I'll shut you up soon enough.
Who are you?
Give back the child.
Two scars crossed on your left cheek...
So you're the famous killer,
Battosai Himura?
I hear your sword broke.
So you're here for Shakku's last sword, too?
What do you mean?
You mean you don't care if I step in here?
Then get lost.
Give back the child.
Why?
If I get his last sword but I can't try it out, where's the fun in that?
There's a fight going on!
Fight!
Call the police!
Aw, just leave them.
What's going on?
Some ex-samurais are fighting over in that shrine.
You'd better keep away!
Come on!
Draw your damn sword!
You're good, I'll give you that.
But this prize is going to cost you!
Iori!
Stay back!
Are we done?
You're going to risk your life just to save one kid?
What's that look?
You're pissing me off!
I killed many to bring about a new age.
Are you bragging?
Be my guest.
Go ahead and cling to the glories of the past.
What a loser!
Ten years since struggle and blood brought us to a new age.
Now, in a happy home that knows nothing of war, we begin to see a time of peace in which to raise its children.
Think what you will, but that child is the blessing of the new age.
If it costs me my life,
I will take him back.
A real hero of justice, huh?
My father's last killing swords!
Wait, lori!
Just a little bit longer!
I'll take the chance!
If anyone can put that sword to good use, it's him!
Father!
Watch over us!
Damn you!
Kenshin!
That hurt!
Who's that?
Where's his sword?
Mr. Himura!
Take this!
It's my father's last sword!
Use it!
So there was one!
That sword will be mine!
Draw.
We'll have a real fight.
Let's see who wins.
Well? You're Battosai the Killer, aren't you?
My sword's out. Where's yours?
Fine!
If you've forgotten how good killing feels.
I'll remind you.
I'll do one right now!
Iori!
Iori!
Wait there.
I'll cut you into pieces.
No killing!
You know, you're really good.
Iori!
Iori!
Iori!
Kenshin...
Kenshin?
He's not dead.
Kaoru!
He didn't kill him!
That's a back-blade.
I'm glad!
Iori!
Iori!
Iori!
He's fine!
On your feet!
Get him up!
Bring him!
Walk!
Kenshin!
Are you okay?
Is that a new back-blade?
Hey...
Hey, Kenshin...
Kenshin...
Seiku, what's this?
The true back-blade.
"True?"
The sword he made for the gods out of remorse, mixed with a tiny bit of hope.
When you dedicate a sword to the gods, you forge two.
The better one is "true." You give that to the gods.
The other one is the "shadow." You let someone else have that.
So...
Yes.
The one he gave you was the shadow.
Have that sword.
Father would have wanted that.
"Reluctantly, for years, I have tempered swords.
"Not for the world of my son, but to bring peace for his child."
Kenshin, I'm coming in.
Did you rest?
Yeah.
Right, Kaoru?
Are you angry?
About me following you to Kyoto?
Half.
The other half
relieved.
Shishio's men are everywhere.
Be very careful.
See?
I told you.
When a woman follows a man, he acts like she's a pest, but he's still happy about it.
You be quiet. You don't know what you're talking about.
Shakku,
I'm just like you.
My head's still full of nonsense.
Thanks for coming out!
I greet the Ten Swords!
Hoji!
Take charge.
Tomorrow, at one minute to midnight, we make Kyoto an inferno!
You hear that, comrades? The time has come at last!
Those lazy fools will feel our power to the full!
You're Cho the Sword Hunter, one of Shishio's Ten Swords.
Are you not?
So what's the big deal?
What's he planning?
Tell us and it'll go easier on you.
It's time to stop being loyal to Shishio.
What are you talking about?
I'm not loyal to Shishio.
He was just a way to get where I wanted.
The guy you beat up talked.
Shishio's burning Kyoto.
That's been planned before.
In the days of the Shogun, when we raided the Ikedaya.
We were in time to stop them.
And Shishio wants to try the same thing again?
Probably to prove that this government can't stop them now.
But why would Cho just tell you something that important?
They're a bunch of hoodlums.
There's always one who'll talk.
It's set for tomorrow at one minute to midnight.
Shishio is plotting something for the night of the waning moon.
Sniff the wind.
Kyoto, a sea of fire?
If we allow it, many will die.
We have deep roots here in Kyoto.
He won't get away with it.
Misao, send pigeons.
Tell all Kyoto.
I will.
Kurojo, Shirojo,
Masugami, Omime.
Dress for action.
We'll show them what the Hidden Watchers can do!
The north side!
Stay in your homes!
Martial Law is declared for all of Kyoto!
Kenshin!
We'll fight, too.
But...
I made up my mind before I came.
I'll see this through to the end.
Me, too. You can see what I've learned.
Let's go.
Don't try too much.
Stay with them.
This is a fight to the death.
A fencing instructor won't help.
Come and fight with us.
Let's go.
They're here.
Take your positions.
Sojiro.
Yes?
Remember my souvenir.
I will.
Set them off.
Yes, sir.
Everybody, be on your guard.
Riflemen, forward!
On your honor as police officers, stop them in their tracks!
All right!
Burn the place!
Fire!
Police!
Kill!
Fire!
Men!
Charge!
You're getting better.
I am Yahiko Myojin, samurai of Tokyo!
Bring fire!
We know what you're planning!
Thanks for coming out this late at night!
Street-fightin' Sanosuke's in town!
He's back.
Go on ahead.
Where's Battosai?
I heard you're sheltering a man with crossed scars on his cheek.
You know how hard Misao's been looking for you?
She still believes you're the man you always were.
That is of no concern.
He is a valued guest here at the Aoiya.
Hiding in plain sight, is he?
Open your eyes, Aoshi.
What you need is not battle.
Calm your heart.
The Shogunate lives!
If you have abandoned your honor as a Watcher to tread the path of blood and carnage...
I will crush you!
Burn!
No!
No!
Don't kill!
Don't kill.
Are you okay?
Fire! Put it out!
We'll take over here.
Please.
Hold still.
Shishio!
Decoys.
Kenshin!
Where are you?
Wait for me!
Give me a fight, damn it!
Misao!
What?
It's Elder and Aoshi!
Aoshi's come back?
Where's Battosai?
That again?
Aoshi!
Stay back!
Damn you, Aoshi.
Is that how low you've sunk?
I am not the Aoshi you once knew.
Hey!
All you underlings, get outta here!
Sanosuke?
Why are you here?
"Why?"
To help you out, stupid!
Thank you.
All right, then.
Victory is ours!
Who are they?
Get them all!
Himura!
You again?
Something's wrong here.
Yes.
Where's Shishio and his Ten Swords?
Why are you two looking so down?
It's all been too easy.
If he meant to burn Kyoto, he'd be here to see it himself.
Miss Kaoru Kamiya?
Who are you?
You mean Shishio's got something else up his sleeve?
At the Battle of Toba-Fushimi, when the Shogun and the Emperor battled for rule over the land,
Shogun Yoshinobu abandoned his forces and fled by ship to Edo.
Without that, the new government never would have won.
History changed course.
If he can rewrite history, he'll terrify the government.
By spitting in their eye?
Burning Kyoto is a first step.
If he wants to retrace history...
Just maybe...
I'm going to bombard Tokyo
and destroy the country!
His real aim is Tokyo!
Kenshin!
Miss Kaoru!
Where are you?
Where are you?
Where are you, Battosai?
Where?
Where?
Battosai!
Who are you?
Stop!
Well done!
You saw that Kyoto was just a feint.
Where's Miss Kaoru?
What, you mean you're only here for a woman?
Leave her out of this!
Whatever.
Miss Kaoru, you're on!
Miss Kaoru!
Come on, Yumi! Untie the poor girl.
Sure.
Have no fear! I will...
Stop talking like a damn samurai!
I want to see that killing spirit of yours.
It's me you want.
Let her go.
This is the perfect chance to see once and for all who's the best.
Kenshin!
Hoji!
I'll burn her!
No!
It hurts when you burn. So much you want to die.
No.
Yes!
It's that rage I want to see!
You want to kill me, right?
Try it.
Shut up.
No!
Don't let him tempt you!
Curse yourself, curse the gods.
Curse Buddha, hate the times, hate everything.
No!
Now you're looking good.
Shishio!
Kenshin!
Miss Kaoru!
Stay alive!
Watch, Battosai!
Is that all you got?
Can't the legendary Battosai do better than that?
What?
The legend just wants to play love-suicides?
Miss Kaoru!
Miss Kaoru!
Miss Kaoru!
(HUMMING TUNE)
(GRUNTS AND GASPS)
Illumination!
Illumination!
(SQUEALING)
(SEAGULLS CALLING)
MAX:
I've lived in this city all my life.
I'm Max.
And I'm the luckiest dog in New York
- because of her.
- (BARKING)
That's Katie.
Katie and I...
Well, we have the perfect relationship.
We met a few years ago.
And, boy, let me tell ya,
- we got along right away.
- (WHINING)
It was one of those relationships
- where you just know.
- (LAUGHS)
(TOY SQUEAKS)
And get this!
She was looking for a roommate.
And so was I!
So I just moved in that same day.
- (PANTING)
- It was perfect.
- (BARKING) - We've been together ever since.
Katie would do anything for me.
- (PIGEON COOING)
- And I'm her loyal protector.
(BARKING)
- (SQUAWKS) - (WHINING)
(LAUGHING)
MAX:
Our love is...
How do I put this?
(STUTTERING)
Our love is stronger than words.
Or shoes.
It's me and Katie.
- (PANTING)
- Katie and me.
Us against the world.
(THUNDER RUMBLING)
- (LAUGHING) - (BARKING)
I wouldn't go so far as to call us soul mates, even though any sane person who saw us would.
(CHUCKLES)
There's just one little problem.
- (GROWLING SOFTLY)
- Pretty much every day...
Come on, Max.
...she leaves.
I'll see you tonight.
MAX:
Sometimes I try stuff to get her to stay.
Okay.
Sit.
Spin.
- Speak.
- (BARKS)
(LAUGHS) Okay.
That's a good boy.
MAX:
But it never works.
Where is she going?
(BARKING)
What could she possibly be doing?
(SIGHS)
Oh, I miss her so much.
- (KEYS JINGLING) - (GASPS)
(STUTTERING) Oh my!
She's back!
- (BARKING)
- Forgot my phone.
What took so long?
Why did you...
Oh, come on!
Oh!
I miss her so much.
WOMAN 1:
Bye, Gidget.
Be a good doggy.
(DOOR CLOSES)
(SMACKING LIPS)
(GRUNTING)
Hey, Max.
Hey, Gidget.
Any plans today?
Uh, yes.
Big, big stuff today, Gidget.
I got big plans.
I'm gonna sit here, and I'm gonna wait for Katie to come back.
Oh, that sounds exciting.
Well, I won't interrupt.
I've got a very busy day, too. (CHUCKLES)
(SIGHS)
WOMAN:
Here you go.
See you later, Chloe.
(DOOR CLOSES)
(CLATTERING)
(BARKING)
MAN 1:
Bye, Peppy.
- (URINATING) - (SIGHS)
MAN 2:
So long, Mel.
- (TWEETING)
- MAN 3:
Bye, Sweetpea.
See you, Gino.
- Bye, Mr. Wiggles.
- So long, pal.
- GIRL:
I'll miss you, Shelly!
- MAN 4: Later, Runty.
WOMAN 3:
Bye, everyone.
WOMAN 4:
Bye.
(TWITTERING)
(GASPS)
(SIGHS)
(GROANING)
Mmm. (GROANING)
(WHIMPERS)
(GROANS)
(YELLS)
(GRUNTING)
(GRUNTS)
(PANTING)
(BARKING)
(BARKING)
(CLATTERING)
(GROANS)
(HOWLS SOFTLY)
(CLATTERING)
(GROANS)
(MEOWS)
(THUDDING)
- MAN:
You be a good boy, Leonard.
- (CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYING)
(DOOR CLOSES)
(HEAVY METAL MUSIC PLAYING)
(MUSIC CONTINUES PLAYING DISTANTLY)
- (MEOWS) - (THUDDING)
Hey, Max.
Hey, Chloe, do you ever wonder where they go during the day?
Do you know what?
I just...
I don't really care. (GRUNTS)
Maybe that's what it's like for you, but Katie and I have a different relationship.
You're a cat.
So maybe that's why.
Because nobody could ever love a cat the way they love a dog.
I'm just saying.
Maybe that's why.
Whatever you need to tell yourself.
(GRUNTS AND SCREAMS)
- (PURRS) - (SWEETPEA TWITTERING)
Hey!
Morning, Max!
MAX:
Hey, guys.
- What's up, Sweetpea?
- (TWITTERING)
Hey, Mel, where you been, man?
Oh!
Get this!
Last Sunday, my owner feeds me a small white pill, right?
I start to feel a little groggy.
The next thing I know, I wake up, I'm in the sky!
Wait a minute.
The sky?
Yeah.
There are suitcases everywhere.
I'm locked up in a crate.
- (CHUCKLES) Come on.
- There are suitcases in the sky?
So, I pass out from fear, and when I wake up
I'm in Florida.
Um.
This did not happen.
I will never eat a pill like that again.
Unless it's covered in peanut butter.
Because, I mean, come on! Right?
It's peanut butter!
(METAL CLATTERS)
Hey, guys.
- Oh, hey, Norman.
- (GASPS)
- You still looking for your apartment?
- (PANTING)
Yeah.
Going on three weeks now.
Is this the second or the third floor?
I don't know any numbers, but, uh, you don't live here.
Ah!
Pellets!
Well, see you guys later.
You know what?
You can do it!
- He can't do it.
- (DOOR OPENING)
Buddy!
There you are.
(STUTTERING) Did you find it?
(LAUGHS) You know I did.
- (EXCLAIMING IN FRENCH) - (BALL SQUEAKS)
BOTH:
Ball!
- Ball, ball, ball!
- (LAUGHING)
MAX:
Katie's gonna be so excited!
This is exactly like the one she lost!
- I mean, look at it!
- (HOWLS)
It's round.
It fits in my mouth.
- ALL:
Ball!
- (LAUGHING)
(LAUGHING)
Ooh!
(PURRING)
- (CRASHING) - (CHLOE MEOWING)
(THUDDING)
(CHUCKLING) There is no other ball in the city
- like this one ball, guaranteed.
- Whoa!
This is the ball.
(CHLOE PURRING)
- (CHLOE YOWLING) - (CRASHING)
- (KEYS JINGLING) - (DOOR UNLOCKING)
- KATIE:
Hey.
- (GASPS) Katie!
- I'm home, Max.
- (BARKING)
Hey, Maximilian.
How was your day, buddy?
That's a good boy.
Oh, yes.
I'm so psyched to see you too, buddy.
- (THUDDING)
- Okay, boy.
Calm down, it's okay.
Let's all be calm.
Now, I have some big news.
- (THUDDING CONTINUES)
- I know this'll take some getting used to, but I think it's gonna be a great thing in the long...
- (THUDDING)
- Oh!
- (PANTING)
- Max, this is Duke.
(GASPS)
He's going to be your brother.
(GROWLING)
- (WHIMPERS)
- No, Max.
It's gonna be all right, Duke.
It's okay.
(SNIFFING)
(BARKS)
Aww.
See?
He likes you.
(SPITS)
- (LAUGHING) Whoa!
- (BARKING)
Aww. (LAUGHING)
- Yeah, that's it, Duke.
Take a look around.
- (BARKING)
(SIGHS) I know, buddy.
This is a lot to take in.
But he didn't have a home.
So you and I are gonna have to take care of him. (GRUNTS)
- Okay?
- (BALL SQUEAKING)
(GASPS) Oh, my gosh!
Duke found our lost ball!
- (GASPS) What a great team we're gonna be.
- (SQUEAKING)
(AIR HISSING)
(BLOWS RASPBERRY)
(SNIFFS AND PANTS)
(GROWLING)
Love you, Maxie.
Love you, Duke.
(PANTING)
Sleep tight, boys. (KISSES)
Psst.
Psst.
Hey.
Little guy.
This place is so great!
- Uh-huh.
- By the way...
That is one gorgeous bed.
Yeah, it's okay.
Maybe we could share?
You know, one night you get the bed.
The next night, I do.
That kind of thing.
You know, this bed is mine.
You?
You get an old blanket.
That suits you.
- You're an old-blanket kind of a dog.
- (CHUCKLES) Oh, wow.
You are stubborn.
Hey, I get it.
I'm stubborn, too.
- But we gotta learn to get along. - Wait.
What are you...
I bet we can both fit in this bed if we really try.
Let me scoot on in there.
- No, wait. (SCREAMS)
- Ah!
Perfect.
This is comfy, right?
- (MUFFLED) No, it is not.
- (SIGHS)
- (SCREAMS)
- I'm comfy.
Duke is just ruining our lives!
It's an emergency that you get rid of this dog.
He stole my... (BARKING)
And he's scary, and he's frightening, and he's the death of all good things.
Aww.
You little cutie pie.
We'll play tomorrow, buddy, okay?
Okay, sleep well.
(GASPS)
Are you trying to get rid of me?
Before I answer that...
I'd like to know how much you heard.
So, that's how it's gonna be, huh?
Oh, man, are you making me angry!
And when I get angry, I do this.
(GROWLS)
And I don't want to do that.
I need this place.
And if it's gonna come down to you or me...
It's gonna be me. (BARKS)
(YELLS)
(PANTING)
(SIGHS)
(GRUNTS)
(EXHALES)
(DUKE SNORING)
Morning, Max!
Max!
Max!
What are you doing?
Hi!
It's me! Hi!
Hi!
Chloe!
- Chloe, Chloe!
I got a bad situation.
- (PURRS)
Katie brought home a new dog from the pound.
She said he's my brother.
I don't want a brother.
I don't even have a bed now.
I'm sleeping on the floor, like a dog.
Why would Katie do this to me?
Because she's a dog person, Max.
And dog people do weird, inexplicable things.
Like they get dogs instead of cats.
Okay, please don't start now, Chloe.
That is not helping.
Max?
Come on, I'm your friend.
Okay?
And as your friend, I gotta be honest with you.
I don't care about you or your problems.
But if you don't do something about this guy, and soon, your perfect little life with your dumb, bleh, human is gonna be over, forever.
Forever?
Forever.
Yeah, that's what I just...
Why is this mouse on my paw still?
(SIGHS) Look, if you really want to get your turf back you're gonna have to start acting like the alpha dog.
Right.
Alpha dog.
(STUTTERING) I can do that.
- KATIE:
Okay, okay. (GRUNTING)
- Please don't go!
This time, really don't go.
- KATIE:
I'm running late.
I gotta go.
- Wait, wait.
Stay!
Stay for the trick.
"Spin!" I'm doing "spin."
You guys be good.
I'll see you later.
Wait.
No, look...
- Okay, Max.
- (GRUNTS)
(MUNCHING AND SLURPING)
Listen, Duke.
I'm not sure if you're aware, but one of those food bowls, technically...
It's reserved for...
I know, maybe you didn't read the names, but...
- That's my bowl.
- Mmm.
- I know that it... (STUTTERS) Hey...
- (GASPS)
I was just thinking, I don't know, maybe we could institute some ground rules.
- (HUFFS)
- I just thought that...
Or not.
I don't need a bowl.
Here again?
- Rodent!
- (STUTTERING) Ah!
(GROANS)
(SCREAMING)
(GRUNTS)
(GASPS)
Oh, Duke.
Duke, Katie is not...
Katie's gonna be so upset when she sees that.
Katie's gonna flip out...
When she sees how you trashed her whole place.
Oh, it's just one vase.
Is it, Duke?
Is it?
Oh, that's a shame.
What are you doing?
Whoa, what am I doing?
(CHUCKLES) Nothing.
I'm a cute little doggy.
Katie knows I wouldn't do anything like this.
No, no.
Whoa!
(GRUNTS)
Mmm.
This could only be the work of a dangerous stray, who hasn't laid down a foundation of trust.
You're the new dog.
And, Duke, what'd you go and do this for?
(GROANS)
- I'm gonna...
- What?
Bite me?
Rip my face off?
Perfect.
Wait till Katie finds out.
Oh!
Help, Katie!
Thank goodness you're here.
I tried to stop him, but he's crazy!
(GRUNTS AND GASPS)
Now, sit.
Okay, okay, okay.
Lay down.
(SIGHS)
Good boy.
Hi, Max.
Hey, Gidget.
Who's your new roommate?
Is it a girl dog or a boy dog?
Not that I care.
It doesn't matter to me.
Oh, that's nobody, Gidget.
He's just visiting.
Yeah, he's gonna be gone soon.
Hey, what's up?
Oh, hi.
Your hat is the best hat I've ever seen.
Hey.
Uh, excuse me.
Genius!
You forgot my leash.
(SIGHS)
Never mind.
Hey, fellas, how's it... (YELLS)
Hey, fellas, how's it... (CHOKING)
Hey, fellas... (YELLING)
Oh, uh...
Say, Duke...
Yes?
Be a good lad and bring me a stick, won't you?
It would please me to chew on a stick just now.
You heard me.
Fetch.
(GROANS)
Nah, nah, nah, nah.
Nah, not that one.
That one doesn't please me.
Find a really good one, Duke.
(CRUNCHING)
(SPITTING)
Yeah, that's it.
(GRUNTS)
Hey, Max.
Boy!
Oh, wow.
There are a ton of sticks over here, Max!
- You should come over and look at them.
- (LAUGHING)
Yeah, I wanna make sure I grab you the right one.
Well, that's very, uh, thoughtful.
DUKE:
Look at all these sticks!
(YELLS)
MAX:
Whoa!
Help!
Help!
(YELLING)
Hey, did you hear that?
Butterfly!
- Butterfly!
- Butterfly!
Let's get it!
Wha...
What's... (SCREAMING)
(GRUNTING AND GROANING)
(HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING IN CAR)
Huh?
(GRUNTS)
(SCREAMS)
(GRUNTING)
- (GRUNTING)
- Whoa!
(GRUNTS)
MAX:
Help!
Help!
So long!
MAX:
Don't leave me here!
Didn't have to be this way, Max.
- MAX:
Wait!
- No hard feelings!
MAX:
Duke!
Please!
Oy!
What's going on here?
Mind your own business.
Oh, my gosh, what happened to you?
I had a fight.
All right?
- (MAX GRUNTS)
- With a big, stupid dog.
He lost.
Oh, you're headed into dangerous territory there, kitty-cat.
I'd watch your tone, sunshine.
- You know what I'm gonna do?
- (GROWLING)
I'm gonna cut you into string, ball you up, and then bat you around for hours in a game that only I understand.
Oh, very nice.
I'll take that!
- Wha...
- (GASPS)
(LAUGHING)
Ooh!
Ooh-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo!
You want to start with me, little raisin?
- (HISSES)
- Okay.
Get your umbrellas out, kitties, because here they come!
The thunder and the lightning!
Right down on your face!
(CATS MEOWING ANGRILY)
Gosh, there are a lot of you up there.
I'm talking about the thunder and the lightning that's coming down on all of your collective faces!
Attack on three...
- Two... (YELLING)
(GRUNTS)
I just remembered I gotta be somewhere!
(CHUCKLING NERVOUSLY)
That guy, huh?
Am I right?
(ALL CONTINUE MEOWING ANGRILY)
Okay.
You know what?
I'm just gonna... (STAMMERING)
No offense, but good-bye!
(GRUNTS)
Whoa!
(MAX GRUNTING)
(IN SLOW MOTION) Whoa!
(MAX GRUNTS)
(YELLING)
(MEOWS)
(HISSES)
(LAUGHING)
Hey!
You little... (SCREAMING)
(GRUNTS)
Duke?
(PANTING)
You came back?
Run!
(YELLS)
- It's the po-po!
Scram!
- (ALL MEOWING)
- (GRUNTING) - (BOTH GASP)
Wait!
Two, four, six, eight...
Hmm...
See you tomorrow, Guillermo!
You know it.
Ten...
Eh, okay.
Right.
(BARKING)
Uh-huh.
Sheez, did you see that?
Yeah, I saw it.
Throw it with your arm, you lazy weirdo!
(LAUGHS)
- I would not fetch that.
I'm old-school.
- (BOTH LAUGH)
- (BANGING) - (YELLS)
- (SIGHS) - (BANGING CONTINUES)
Thanks a lot, Duke.
I don't like to use this phrase because it's offensive to our kind, but you are a bad dog!
Katie's not going to like this.
I can't go to the pound.
What?
What's wrong with you?
Well, Katie just...
She just got me out of the pound.
And if I go back...
Max, it's the end of the line for me.
(BANGING)
(MALE TV ANNOUNCER READING)
(GASPS) Yes!
Mmm...
Why?
Why?
What's the matter, Maria?
Maria, your face, it wears a thousand sorrows.
What is wrong?
Oh, I have come face-to-face with the worst thing in the world.
What?
Oh, tell me, Maria.
Tell me now!
I cannot bear another moment without knowing!
Loneliness.
(GASPS)
( - BARKING) - (GASPS)
Max!
Max!
Max?
Huh?
Hey, I see you, squirrel!
This is not your area!
We marked that tree!
(LAUGHING)
Don't you try and hide!
I can see...
Oh!
What was that?
- How dare you!
- GIDGET:
Guys, where's Max?
Nobody likes you, squirrels!
- (YELLS) - (GRUNTS)
Guys, seriously, where is Max?
Calm down, girl.
He's right...
Huh.
He is gone.
Oh, it's fine.
I heard him screaming after he disappeared into those bushes.
Max is gone?
This is bad.
This is so bad.
Maria, if he is your true love you must go to him!
Save him!
Save him!
Yes!
Yes! Save my true love!
(SQUEAKING)
I'm coming, Max!
(GRUNTS)
(SCREAMS)
(CONTINUE SCREAMING)
(YOWLS)
(THUDDING)
- Hi, Chloe.
If anyone asks, - (MEOWS)
I'm on my way to the roof to look for Max.
(MEOWS)
Okay, bye-bye.
(METAL SCRAPING)
(MUNCHING)
DOGCATCHER 2:
Whoa. You see that?
Yeah, give me a second.
Oh!
Hey, there, cute little bunny.
- Whatcha doing in the middle of the road?
- (SNIFFLES)
(BOTH YELLING)
(GRUNTING)
- MAN 2:
Bunny!
- (GASPS)
What's going on?
- What the...
- (SQUEALING)
(GRUNTING)
Save yourself!
Shut it, human!
Let's do this!
Now!
Now!
Yeah!
- (ENGINE STARTING)
- Get off me!
Wait up!
Get off me, pig!
(GRUNTING)
Get off!
Ow!
Ow!
(TIRES SCREECHING)
BOTH:
Whoa... (GRUNTING)
What's happening?
I don't know!
(EXCLAIMING)
Ripper!
Ripper, where you at?
Let's go, Ripper!
I'm busting you outta here!
The revolution has begun!
Liberated forever!
Domesticated never!
Yeah!
(GRUNTING)
(GASPS) Who's driving this thing?
(LAUGHING)
(CARS HONKING)
Whoo!
(LAUGHING)
(SCREAMS)
(ALL SCREAMING IN VAN)
(SCREAMING)
(YELLING)
(GASPS)
Ha, ha!
(GASPS)
(RATS SQUEAKING)
(BOTH GROANING)
(GRUNTING)
Let's go!
Let's go!
Let's go!
(SQUEALING)
Who are you guys?
Huh?
Who are we?
Who are we?
We are the Flushed Pets...
Thrown away by our owners and now we are out for revenge!
- It's like a club, - (SNORTING) but with biting and scratching.
Take us with you!
(SNIFFING)
I don't think so, pets.
Yeah, you got the stench of domestication all over you.
You chose your side.
And now you're gonna burn.
No!
Stop!
Who you calling "pets"?
I ain't no pet!
You got it all wrong!
We're just like you guys.
We hate humans.
- Yeah!
That's right!
- Hate them.
Oh, man, don't get me started on people.
Am I right, Duke?
Yeah, that's why we burned our collars, man!
We burned them to the ground!
And killed our owners!
Yeah...
Wait a minute, that's too far maybe?
No, they dig it.
- Yes, we whacked them.
- Yeah, that's right!
Bang, bang with our own paws!
If I had a dime for every owner I killed...
Oh, yeah!
I'd have a dime.
Because I just killed the one.
Ooh-whoo!
Oh, y'all cold-blooded.
Oh, man, you remind me of my boy, Ricky.
He died, though.
RIP, Ricky!
The truth is, the struggle could use some more muscle.
All right, look, I'll tell you what.
We'll bust the both of you out of here.
But understand this.
From now on, you work for me.
- That's fine.
- Sounds like a fun challenge.
(GRUNTING)
All right, guys, let's do this!
- (SQUEALING) - (YELLING)
(EXPLOSION)
To the sewers!
The sewers?
What are y'all waiting for?
I'm not playing.
I said...
To the sewers!
(GRUNTING)
(YELLING)
(MAX YELLING)
(SNOWBALL YELLING)
SNOWBALL:
Long live the revolution, suckers!
(GRUNTS)
I can do it.
Oh!
Max?
Max?
Max.
(PANTING)
(STRAINING)
Oh, where are you, Max?
(SIGHS)
TIBERIUS:
Looks like you could use a little help.
Who said that?
TIBERIUS:
Over here.
In this dark and foreboding shed.
(GRUNTS)
Uh...
Hello?
I can see for miles.
If you let me out, I'll find your friend.
Wow!
Really?
Oh!
You're so sweet.
You're sweet, too.
- (GIGGLES) Thanks, stranger.
- (SNIFFS)
But not too sweet.
There's also a salty, gamey thing going on.
Yeah, that's me. (CHUCKLES)
Come on, let's get you out of that shed.
Yeah, that's it.
Just step over the pile of bones.
Pile of bones.
Okay, will do.
(SIGHS) I sure hope Max is safe.
You're a very thoughtful food.
"Food"?
I didn't say that.
I said "friend."
(CHUCKLES) I meant food... (STUTTERING) Friend.
You know what I meant.
I'm sure lucky I found you, uh...
Tiberius.
And, yes, this is a very good thing for you, this whole "meeting me" thing.
Take off my hood.
(GASPS)
(SCREECHING)
(SCREAMS)
- (SCREECHING) - (SCREAMS)
(GRUNTS) Ah!
The chain!
(TIBERIUS GROANING)
Oh!
You tried to eat me!
I'm sorry. (SOBS)
You should be sorry.
You deserve to be locked up.
You're a bad, bad bird.
I can't help it.
I was born with killer instincts.
That is just no excuse.
You're right.
Even for a predator, I'm selfish.
I'm a selfish predator.
It's no wonder I have no friends.
Nobody.
(SOBBING)
This is hopeless.
Oh, don't...
There's no need to cry.
I'm sorry that I yelled at you before.
Please, take off the chain.
This time I'll help you. I promise.
Tiberius...
This is gonna sound completely horrible, but, um...
I don't fully trust you.
(SOBBING)
Oh, no, no, no...
But, I guess everyone deserves a second chance.
And you are just a lonely, old bird.
And you do have weird manners because you live in a weird shed on a roof.
So, I'll tell you what.
If you find Max...
I'll be your best friend.
Best friend?
You and me?
Whoa!
(LAUGHING)
Whoo!
- (SCREECHING) - (LAUGHING)
(SCREAMING)
Yes!
That sounds nice.
Let's do this.
Okay.
Ah...
So, what does this Max look like?
Brown and white.
He's a short-hair, roguishly handsome.
He's got a sparkle in his eye.
He sounds dreamy.
(CHUCKLES) You have no idea.
I mean, what?
Whatever.
Shut up.
(BLOWS RASPBERRIES) Mmm-mmm.
If my owner comes put on the hood and pretend to be me.
Okay, thank you!
(SNIFFS) Ugh!
The smell is disgusting -ly good.
This is all so great.
Love it here.
(BOTH GASP)
- What's...
- The...
- Pass...
- Word?
Password?
Look!
Look at me.
I am your leader.
The leader does not recite the password.
The leader makes up the password, idiots.
Everybody, I'm making up a new password right now.
The new password is...
"Don't ask the leader for the password!"
(DINGING)
Follow me.
Welcome to the underbelly, brothers.
Home of the Flushed Pets.
(LAUGHING)
(GRUNTING)
(CROAKING)
Brothers and sisters!
As you see,
I've returned from the surface with two new recruits.
These guys are owner-killers!
(ALL CHEERING)
Hey, hey!
Settle down!
Guys, I want you to tell them how you did it.
Go ahead.
Tell them the whole story about how you took out your owner.
Don't leave out nothing.
We love gory detail, here.
- Oh, yeah!
- Tell us!
- Right.
- So, tell them, Max.
Okay, so.
I was like...
Well, we were like...
- Take that!
- Yeah!
Stupid owner.
So, that's who you're dealing with.
That story bored me to death.
Boring!
- (ALL BOOING)
- Give us detail!
Okay.
Max?
Okay, well, uh...
So, there's this thing in the kitchen...
Yeah.
Table!
- It's flat.
- Toaster!
And then round on just the end of it.
A spoon?
- Yes, a spoon!
- Exactly.
You can't hurt someone with a spoon.
You scoop with a spoon.
How many people wanna know how to kill somebody with a spoon?
FLUSHED ANIMALS: I do!
Oh, yeah!
Okay.
Uh, well...
We used the spoon...
Hit a button on the machine on the counter...
- Right, and it's got those...
- The, uh, you know.
- (IMITATING MOTOR) Those blades.
- The, uh...
It's got blades!
Was it a blender?
(WHOOPING)
You blended somebody?
He talking about the blender, guys.
Oh, please, tell me it was a blender!
Hey, buddy, I don't ask what it's called, we just kill with it.
But it was a blender.
- Whoo!
Do y'all hear this?
- (ALL CHATTERING)
You know who was like this?
Ricky!
Rest in peace!
Ricky was the only soldier I had that was ready to kill humans on sight.
Everybody else need a pep talk.
Not these two brothers.
(ALL CHEERING)
See, all of us have suffered at the hands of man.
I mean, take me for instance.
I was a magician's rabbit for kids' parties.
But then bunny tricks went out of style.
So, what did my owner do?
My owner went and left magic behind and made me disappear...
From his life!
- (ALL CHATTERING)
- Uh-huh.
I lived in a tattoo parlor!
The trainees used to practice on me!
Until they ran out of space!
(SCATTERED CHATTER)
I mean, yes, humans say they love us.
But then they turn around and throw us out like garbage.
Ain't that right, Sea-Monkeys?
It's not our fault we don't look like the ad!
Yeah!
All right, you guys are joining the brotherhood.
- It's initiation time!
- FLUSHED ANIMALS:
Oh, yeah!
- The what?
- I'm sorry, what time?
Summon the Viper!
(ALL STOMPING)
Uh, is this Viper poisonous?
Because I should warn you, I'm very allergic to poison!
Ow!
All right.
Show her!
(RETCHING)
- (GRUNTS) - (GASPS)
Max's collar!
Where is he?
What happened to him?
I ain't saying nothing!
(GRUNTS)
You're gonna tell us where Max is.
And you're gonna tell us now!
(LAUGHING)
Is this supposed to scare me?
I'm a cat.
I land on my feet.
Does it always happen?
Because your head looks like it's taken a lot of landings.
Do you want me to cut you?
Because I'll cut you this way and that.
You'll look like a waffle.
(YELLING)
Okay.
He's too stupid to talk, and too ugly to eat.
- (SCREAMS) - (GRUNTS)
I'm done playing nice!
Where is Max?
(STAMMERING) Ow.
Tell me!
Ooh!
(STAMMERING)
Let me finish...
Ow!
Help me!
Ow!
- Don't look at him.
Look at me.
- (GROANING)
Nobody can help you!
Where is Max?
Okay!
Okay!
He's in the sewers!
He got taken!
Please!
Have mercy...
- Adorable puffy dog!
- (GASPS)
ALL: (CHANTING) Snake bite!
Snake bite!
Snake bite!
(GRUNTING)
(CHANTING CONTINUES)
(SNIFFS)
(HISSING)
- (YELLS) - (GASPS)
As proof of your allegiance you will now receive the bite of a one-fanged, half-blind Viper fueled by a diet of anti-human rage!
(HISSING)
Who wants to go first?
Uh...
Okay, here's the thing, though.
Tiny Dog.
Can I call you "Tiny Dog"?
It fits you. Let's admit that.
Look.
Between you and the fat dog, I like you the best.
Oh, thank you!
- Tiny Dog's gonna go first.
- (GASPS)
Everybody, TD's going first!
No, no, no.
Tiny Dog does not want to go first.
Take the fat dog!
ALL: (CHANTING) Snake bite!
No, no, no.
Stop!
- Snake bite!
Snake bite!
Snake bite!
- (HISSING)
No, no, no, no.
NITRO:
Stop!
What are you doing initiating a couple domestics?
Domestics?
Yeah.
We just jumped those two in the alley.
Slashed off their collars.
No, no, no.
That's not true.
You said you burned your collars.
Well, "burned," "lost," "had them stolen by cats."
It's all just words, really, isn't it?
You don't deserve to be marked by the Viper.
- Oh, no.
- We'll just show ourselves out.
You deserve to be eaten by the Viper.
Get those leash lovers!
(ALL CHATTERING)
(BOTH SCREAM)
(GASPS)
(RATTLING)
Hold on.
- (GRUNTING) - (DOGS WHINING)
(HISSING)
(ALL GRUNTING)
Go get them, Duke.
Whoa!
(YELLING)
(YELLS)
- (GASPS) Oh...
- (HISSES)
(SNARLING)
(YELLS)
(HISSING)
(ALL GASPING)
- (SNIFFING) - (HISSING)
(ALL GASPING)
(ALL GASPING LOUDLY)
Uh, fellas, that was an accident.
You squished the sacred Viper!
(SOBBING) He's a flapjack.
Oh, Viper!
Viper, you in a better place!
You and Ricky!
(ALL SOBBING)
You ain't never did nothing to nobody!
Well, you bit a lot of people, Viper.
So, technically, you might actually deserve this.
This might be something that was long overdue.
But it shouldn't have came like this.
Not on my watch.
Get them!
(ALL SQUEAKING)
Oh, no!
- Come on!
- (YELLS)
(GRUNTING)
(YELLING)
(VIDEO GAME SOUNDS)
(GRUNTS)
Ah!
Wait up, Duke!
- Hyah!
- (GRUNTING)
We're sorry.
Can this be over now? (GRUNTS)
We've got a problem.
We have so many problems.
Which one do you mean at this moment?
SNOWBALL:
Stop running, dummies!
Stop it right now!
- Hold your breath!
- Hold my breath?
Ah!
(BOTH YELLING)
(YELLING) Get them!
(BOTH GASPING)
This is my least favorite part of this whole thing so far!
(GRUNTS)
Friends!
I am afraid that I have some terrible news.
The squirrels are gonna take over the world!
I knew it!
I always said, squirrels are little shifty little guys.
No.
We're not doing the squirrel thing right now.
That's not...
No!
(SIGHS)
Max is missing!
He's out there somewhere.
Lost.
Scared.
So, so handsome.
We have got to find him and bring him home!
But the outside world is loud and scary.
Ooh!
Is that a hawk?
GIDGET:
This is my friend, Tiberius.
He's going to help us.
He's not going to eat us.
We've already been over it.
Come on, Gidget.
We go out there without a leash...
We'll get caught by a net.
Or something worse!
Yeah, like a hawk!
We're wasting time!
Max needs us!
Come on, girl, Max doesn't even know you're alive.
Well, I don't care!
I love him!
I love him with all of my heart!
And I'm gonna go look for Max, no matter who's with me.
So...
Who's with me?
(DOOR OPENS AND CLOSES)
All right, fine.
Fine.
Oh, come on, guys.
I can't believe you.
When I got my claws caught in the curtains who pulled me down?
Max did.
- Buddy, Mel.
- (GASPS)
When you were fixed, who taught you to sit the comfortable way?
Max did!
Max did!
(PANTING)
Max did.
He did it!
And when that random cat tried to eat Sweetpea who saved him?
- It wasn't a random cat.
It was you.
- (TWEETS)
The identity of the random cat is not the point.
We're talking about who saved him!
Max did!
- We gotta save him.
We gotta go save Max!
- Yeah!
(BOTH LAUGHING)
Yeah!
Let's go save Max!
Uh, which one is Max, again?
(GRUNTS)
Um...
- Tiberius!
- (LAUGHS)
No!
Bad, bad bird.
- (LAUGHS) Nice little guy.
- (GIGGLES)
Nice little guy.
I like this bird.
Crazy bird. (LAUGHS)
(GRUNTING)
(RATTLING)
(BOTH SCREAM)
(GASPING)
Come on!
We gotta get to shore.
I only know the doggy paddle!
And I don't know it well!
- Swim, Tiny Dog.
Swim!
- (GASPING)
Duke!
Help!
(COUGHING)
Max, grab the ring!
I can't!
DUKE:
Keep it up, Max!
You're doing...
Well, you're not doing great.
But you're not drowning, and that's something!
(GRUNTING)
(GRUNTING)
(COUGHING)
You're almost there!
- (YELLS) - (GASPS)
(GASPS)
(SIGHS)
Thanks, Duke.
No problem.
Finally.
I'm going home.
Oh.
Isn't home that way?
Ah!
Seriously?
(HORN BLARING)
(FLUSHED ANIMALS YELLING)
(GRUNTING)
They're going to Brooklyn.
They say everyone's going to Brooklyn these days.
It's making a real comeback.
I'm not talking about hipster real estate trends.
I'm talking about vengeance, Tattoo!
Death is coming to Brooklyn.
And it's got buck teeth and a cotton tail.
(CLATTERING)
Let's go!
(SQUEAKS)
(ALL GRUNT)
(HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING)
Whee!
Hi, how are you?
(GREETING IN FRENCH)
ALL: Chug!
Chug!
Chug!
- (LAUGHING) - (ALL CHEERING)
(HEAVY METAL MUSIC PLAYING)
(HIP-HOP MUSIC CONTINUES)
What is this crazy joint?
(LAUGHS) This is Pops' place.
His owner is never home, so it's kind of a hot spot.
Pops knows everyone in this city.
If he agrees to help us, Max is as good as found.
- Cool!
- Fabulous!
(PURRING)
(MEOWS)
(EXCLAIMING)
- (YOWLS) - (BELL DINGS)
(WHIRRING)
(YOWLING)
(BOTH SNICKERING)
(BOTH LAUGHING)
Tell me you got that!
Oh, heck yes, I did.
- What's up, Peanut?
- Hey, Buddy.
You see Pops around here?
Yeah, he's over there.
(MUMBLING)
Hey, Pops.
Mud and sweet potatoes.
Pops!
(GRUNTS) Who's that?
What?
(SNIFFS) Oh, hey, Buddy.
How you been, old-timer?
Paralyzed.
Great!
Listen, Mr. Pops, our friend Max was taken.
Last we heard, he was lost in the sewers.
Buddy said that maybe you could help us.
You know, I do know a guy in the sewers, but, ah,
I don't go out anymore.
(SIGHS) What a waste of time.
Who said that?
Oh, I said it.
By the way, I meant no offense, I just...
Have you seen yourself?
Welly-well, well, well...
Looky what we apparently have here.
Meezy would like to have a look-see.
Myron!
Brows!
Oh, no.
Oh, yes.
Me like what me see.
Well, what me can see.
It's all an attractive blur.
- Uh...
- Little lady, this is my city.
I'll find your friend.
All right, party's over!
Myron!
Vacuum!
- (WHIRRING) - (ALL SCREAM AND BARK)
So, where are you from, my fuzzy angel?
Dude, I'm a cat.
Well, nobody's perfect.
(ALL YELLING)
(WHIRRING)
DUKE: (GROANS) I'm so hungry.
(BOTH GASP)
Oh, man.
Would you look at that sandwich!
All right.
Time to work the gift.
(BOTH WHINING)
No, no, no!
(GROANS)
Okay, this'll be fine.
We're fine.
We can find our way home.
We are descended from the mighty wolf!
We have raw, primal instincts that are mere moments away from kicking in and leading us home!
I cannot wait!
Here it comes!
- (GRUNTING)
- Anything?
No.
Oh, I... (SIGHS) No.
(SIGHS) I don't know, Duke.
Maybe the legend of dogs coming from wolves is just wrong.
Maybe one puppy asked his mom, "Where did we come from?"
And the mom said, "Woof."
And the kid was like "Oh, wolves?"
And she was like, "Yeah, fine."
Sausage. (SNIFFING)
- Huh?
- You smell that?
Oh, man, it is.
Sausage!
Well, then, what are we waiting for?
We're coming for you, baby!
Lower the ramp, dummy.
Who are they?
This is Puffball, Squash-Face,
Weiner Dog, Yellow Bird,
Eagle-Eye, Guinea Pig Joe.
- (LAUGHING)
- And, of course, my girlfriend Rhonda.
- (SIGHS) 100% wrong.
- (LAUGHS)
Good enough.
Come on!
Let's go!
Move it or lose it!
Every bird instinct I have says don't follow a dog on wheels.
Um, Mr. Pops, sir.
Shouldn't we be heading to the sewers?
Now, if we take the human route, getting there is gonna take days.
You may have lots of time, but for me every breath is a cliffhanger.
So, we gotta take the secret route.
(SCREAMS)
Okay.
The secret route was death.
Well, that's that, I guess.
POPS:
Come on!
Get down here!
(YELLS)
Sweetpea...
(ALL SCREAMING)
Keep moving!
(PEOPLE LAUGHING)
Oh, no.
Stop it!
Look away!
(GRUNTS)
(MEOWS)
(GRUNTS)
Come on!
I don't have all day!
(EXCLAIMS)
(BLUBBERS)
(YELLING)
NORMAN:
Yeah!
(LAUGHING)
(YELLING)
Whee!
Come on, slowpokes!
Ugh!
What is that smell?
- (GAGGING)
- POPS:
It's poo-poo with a dash of caca.
(SNIFFING)
The scent is getting stronger.
(LAUGHING GIDDILY)
Oh, man.
Duke, let's eat!
Oh, yes!
(SNIFFING)
Oh, it smells so good!
BOTH:
Oh yes!
BOTH:
Sausages!
Ah!
(MUNCHING AND GULPING)
(BOTH GASP)
Come on, boys!
Holy schnitzel!
(ALL LAUGHING)
We go together like rama lama lama ka dinga da dinga dong
Remembered forever
As shoo-bop sha wadda wadda yippity boom de boom
Chang chang changitty chang sha-bop
That's the way it should be
Wha-oooh, yeah!
We're for each other like a wop ba-ba lu-bop and wop bam boom
Just like my brother is
Sha-na-na-na-na-na-na-na yippity dip de doom
Chang chang changitty chang sha-bop
- We'll always be together
- Ah!
Wha-oooh, yeah!
(BOTH LAUGHING)
BUDDY:
Getting a weird vibe, man.
All right, now, these guys are a bit testy.
So, just let me do the talking.
Hey, you crybaby!
Where's the Viper at?
(SOBBING)
(WAILING)
Don't you worry, Viper!
You will not be forgotten!
You will be avenged, Viper!
(SNIFFLING) If you don't believe me, you can look at my battle plans.
It's all laid out right here.
TATTOO:
Uh, boss...
I can't tell who anyone is.
Well, you gotta really look at it to understand it.
That's you guys right here.
And, see, that's Brooklyn.
That's where we gonna get them dogs.
Bam!
Bam!
(CACKLING MANIACALLY)
That ball of fluff's got a screw loose.
Let's skedaddle.
SNOWBALL:
You get it, you see what I'm saying.
Bottom line is, I'm coming right for you, Tiny Dog!
And that big, fat, brown dog?
He gonna get it, too.
Tiny Dog?
There are lots of tiny dogs in the city.
I mean, you're a tiny dog, okay?
So, let's just go.
He also said, "big, fat, brown dog."
Like Max's new roommate.
Not necessarily.
Max, Max, Max...
You are gonna get it!
(SIGHS) That's kind of hard to dispute.
Hey, you stay away from... (MUFFLED)
Wait, what?
You know Tiny Dog?
(YOWLS)
He's my friend!
And some might say my boyfriend!
Uh, nobody says that.
I can't believe you know Tiny Dog!
That's cool.
It's such a small world, that's the funny thing about it.
Get them!
Scatter!
(ALL YELLING)
Not good!
- (BARKING) - (EXCLAIMING)
(YELLING)
NORMAN:
See you guys later!
Hang on!
Everybody, run!
Derick, you idiot!
Did they all get away?
Uh...
Phew!
That was a close one!
Oh, nuts!
Yes!
We got one!
Oh, good for you guys!
- Yay!
- Yeah!
Oh, yes, Tiny Dog, we got your friend!
Advantage, me!
(CACKLES)
Uh-oh.
Just ignore what just happened.
Okay?
(CONTINUES CACKLING)
Yes!
You know what?
This may be the sausage talking, but you're okay.
Right back at you, man.
When I met you, I was all like,
"I don't know if I like him."
But now that I know you, I'm like,
"I like him." (LAUGHS)
You know, I saw this place from the outside many times.
Had I known what treasures awaited within these walls,
I would've broke down that door a long time ago, I'll tell you!
What are you talking about?
My old owner and I used to live around here.
Duke, man, wait.
Did you used to have an owner?
Well, it was a long time ago.
I don't want to talk about it.
Yes, you do.
Come on.
DUKE:
I don't know.
But you know what?
He was so cool.
Yeah?
Yeah.
He was the best.
(PUPPIES BARKING)
Man, we had fun.
- We'd play fetch.
- (BARKS)
We'd go for walks.
We'd take naps.
We were both big nappers.
I got out one night, chasing a butterfly, or a car.
By the time I had caught up with it and ate it...
Probably a butterfly, then.
...I realized I was so far away from my home
I couldn't find it.
A few days later, I was picked up by Animal Control.
(SIGHING) I had a great thing going.
But I had to go and mess it up.
Duke, we gotta go to your house.
Nah.
Your owner's gonna be relieved!
Will he?
Yeah, but...
But he never came for me.
Maybe he...
Maybe he didn't like me.
Of course he liked you.
He was your owner.
I mean, he's probably worried sick!
I don't know.
Well, I do know and we're going!
Your owner's gonna freak!
I'm freaking out just thinking about it.
Okay.
Let's do it!
- DOGCATCHER 1:
There they are!
- (BOTH GASP)
All right, doggy, come on.
DOGCATCHERS:
Hey, hey, hey!
DOGCATCHER 2:
Where do you think you're going?
Come back here, you dogs!
(YELLING)
That rabbit...
He had crazy eyes.
There ain't no curing what's wrong with that thing!
Gidget, here's an idea.
Maybe there's a dog in the neighborhood that looks like Max.
Start hanging out with him.
After a while, you'll think it's him you'll be done.
We are not just giving up!
We're dedicated.
We're loyal.
We're easily the greatest pet ever.
We're dogs!
- Cat.
- Hawk.
(SQUEAKS)
Well, congratulations!
Today you're dogs, whether you like it or not!
Sweet.
Now let's find Max before that rabbit does!
Break!
We're dogs!
(SCREECHING)
(CHUCKLES)
Oh.
I don't like it. (GRUNTING)
Sassafras... (MUMBLING)
Yep, they were here.
Excellent.
We're closing in!
This is groundbreaking evil behavior, people.
Groundbreaking!
SNOWBALL:
Oh!
A light bulb just went off in my brain.
The bunny has an idea.
Okay, so, uh, how do I look?
You look great.
(SNIFFING) How do I smell?
Like a dog, Duke.
Relax, man.
(GASPS)
DUKE:
There it is.
Well, go on up.
Go scratch at that door.
Remember that sausage factory?
That was fun, huh?
Are you stalling?
No.
Why do you think that?
Let's have a long talk about why you think I'm stalling.
Duke, you have nothing to be nervous about.
Your owner is going to be thrilled to see you.
Okay.
Huh. That car is new.
(HISSES)
(EXCLAIMS)
Can I help you?
No.
We're good, thanks.
You're not good.
You look dirty.
And I'm gonna have to ask you to get off my lawn before I get, um, what you have.
This is my lawn.
Duke, maybe we should go.
And why would Fred get a cat?
He hates cats.
That's one of the things I love about him.
Fred?
The old guy?
He, um...
He died.
Duke, maybe I made a mistake, saying we should come here.
Let's go.
You're a liar!
Max, cats lie all the time.
Don't fall for it!
Who are they?
(BARKING)
Hey, this is my home.
Go away!
Duke, it's time to go.
Duke, let's go!
Come on!
This isn't your home anymore.
Why did you bring me here, Max?
Wait a minute.
This is my fault?
I was trying to help you!
You were trying to get rid of me!
You know what, Duke?
I don't need this.
I'll see you later.
DOGCATCHER 1:
Gotcha!
Come on, settle down!
- (BARKING) - (GRUNTS)
Go home, Max!
DOGCATCHER 1:
Hey, help me out, here!
Hold on!
I'm coming!
- Let's go.
- (GRUNTING)
- DOGCATCHER 1:
Finally got you, big fella.
- DOGCATCHER 2:
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Come on.
DOGCATCHER 1:
This is it for you.
Duke!
(BARKING)
Aw.
Koochi koochi koo!
(SCREAMING)
(ALL LAUGH)
(MAX BARKING)
Tiny Dog!
(SNOWBALL YELLING CRY)
Ah, are you kidding me?
SNOWBALL:
You thought this was over, Tiny Dog?
(CONTINUES YELLING)
Stop!
Huh?
Jab, jab, jab!
Body blow!
Body blow!
Karate chop to your neck!
Would you get off me!
- SNOWBALL:
Tattoo!
- (SQUEALING)
No, no, no.
Oh, TD.
This kills me to say, but we gotta join forces, man.
(HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING)
Whoo!
We make a great team, Tiny Dog!
Well, mainly, I'm doing all the hard work, but you're helping!
Yes, yes, fine.
Just keep your eyes on the road.
You're driving like an animal!
SNOWBALL:
Whoo-hoo!
(GRUNTS) What was that?
Oh, that was a pothole.
You're hitting things on purpose!
Heh.
You know me too well, TD!
Always keeping me in check.
(TIRES SCREECHING)
Do you see the van?
Yeah, I see it.
We're about to hit it.
- (GRUNTS) - (CACKLING)
(BOTH YELLING)
(BOTH YELLING)
(GRUNTS)
Relax, Snowball, I got you.
DERICK:
There he is!
He's got Snowball!
(ROARS)
(SCREAMING)
(BOTH CHEERING)
(GASPING)
Look, fellas, this is not what this looks like.
Shush, you!
You were gonna eat the boss!
No, no, no.
Snowball and I are on the same side now.
Tell them!
Snowball, tell them!
That raccoon is lying.
He's not the president.
(ALL GASP)
(CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY)
(SNARLING)
FLUSHED ANIMALS:
Come on, now.
Come here, you.
(GIGGLES)
(GIDGET YELLING)
Gidget?
(CONTINUES YELLING)
(WHINES)
(EXCLAIMS)
Go, Max!
Right.
Okay, gotta go.
Thank you!
Thank you!
(GROANS)
Stay down!
(ALL YELLING)
Duke, hang on!
Whoa!
(GASPS)
(GRUNTING)
(CRACKING)
Duke!
Max?
Max!
- Oh, get the keys!
- Right!
- DUKE:
Hurry!
- Ha!
(CRACKING)
(YELLS)
(GRUNTING)
Come on, come on.
I got them!
(BOTH SCREAMING)
- Max!
- (ALL GASP)
(YELLING)
(GRUNTING)
(INHALES SHARPLY)
(ALL GASP)
Remember me!
(BANGING)
(PANTING)
(COUGHING)
(BOTH GASPING)
(GASPING)
I feel heroic!
And handsome.
I'm a little wet, but I still look good.
I look good.
(GASPING)
Are you...
Are you okay?
I'm good.
I'm good.
Thanks for coming to save me, Max.
- (ALL CHEERING)
- Max!
Oh, Max!
(EXCLAIMING)
(TIRES SCREECHING)
You need a lift?
Yes, we need a lift!
Let's go, Tattoo.
(SCREECHING)
Taxi!
Whoa!
(ALL CHEERING AND LAUGHING)
(HOWLING)
- (TIRES SQUEALING) - (CRASHING)
(BARKING)
Yeah!
(GRUNTS)
Hey, hey...
Uh, Gidget, wait up.
Oh, hi, Max.
Yeah.
Hi.
Um...
Play it cool. (CHUCKLES)
Yeah, I...
I just wanted to... (CLEARING THROAT) Look...
Have you ever lived across from someone your whole life, but you don't really appreciate them, until...
I don't know...
Until they're beating up dozens of animals on the Brooklyn Bridge?
I guess what I'm trying to say is...
- If you ever wanna...
- (SQUEALS)
Okay.
Oh, great.
You're in love.
How gross for everyone.
Now move it!
- Good-bye!
See you later!
- Good-bye!
POPS:
Does anyone know where we are?
Bye, Max.
Bye, Gidget.
Okay, bye-bye!
See you guys.
Man, I feel sorry for them.
Gotta run home to their owners.
Not us.
Now, it's back to our primary mission.
The downfall of the human race!
It is on, humans!
It is on!
ALL:
Yeah!
Mommy!
Can I have a bunny?
And a pig and a crocodile and a lizard?
Uh-oh.
GIRL:
Yay, bunny!
Jab, jab, jab!
Body blow!
Body blow!
Break-away move. (GRUNTS)
Aww...
What's going on?
What's she doing?
Bunny, I'm gonna love you forever and ever and ever.
(WHIMPERS)
Aww.
Bunny.
(BARKING)
- (BARKING) - (LAUGHING)
(BARKING)
(PURRING)
(MEOWS)
(SNIFFING)
(SQUEAKS)
(TWITTERING)
(LAUGHS)
(BARKING)
Aw.
Here you go.
(LAUGHING)
(WHINING)
(MEOWING)
Duke, this is the best part of the day.
Ooh!
Is that her?
- Nah, no.
That's...
Wait...
- (KEYS JINGLING)
Yeah, that's her.
That's her.
(LOCK CLICKING)
BOTH:
Katie!
(BARKING)
There they are!
Max and Duke, Duke and Max!
Aw!
My boys!
So, how'd it go?
Great, right?
I...
Uh...
So, maybe a few bumps.
But I knew this was gonna work out.
So, who's hungry?
Welcome home, Duke.
Thanks, Max.
(DOGS BARKING)
(CAT MEOWING)
Come on, man.
Hurry it up.
(GRUNTING) Okay.
I'm coming, I'm coming.
Sheesh!
(HEAVY METAL MUSIC PLAYING)
Welcome, my dogs.
Oh, you guys look weird.
Hurry up, come on in.
You said it was a costume party.
Why do you listen to me?
(WHOOPING)
(LAUGHING)
LEONARD'S OWNER: I'm home, Leonard.
(DOOR OPENS)
(CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYING)
Were you a good boy, Leonard?
(GRUNTS)
(GLASS SHATTERING)
(JAZZ MUSIC PLAYING) POPS: All right, party's over.
What is it now this early?
You're going to bury my livestock again?
No, Its just a normal inspection, there's just a small leak at the site.
Go ahead, move along.
Why are you doing this to me?
Just like the last time?
I promise, not this time, now move along.
Go
What a really bad day, rough morning, what more... (PHONE RINGS)
Come on
Ehhhh
Oh come on
What a really rough day for me
TRAIN TO BUSAN
Statistical data companies we showed abnormal in stock market.
Please do not take your investment now.
the market will fall once you've taken your investment.
Yes, I understand. Thank you for your consideration.
No, it is not.
I will do it as soon as possible.
It will be run according to your wishes.
Please take care!
Come into my office.
What is the matter?
Sell all of our assets in the stock market.
Selling it all?
Yes
Isn't it too risky to do that?
Still we could maintain our first asset.
And wait if something better ...
Mr. Kim...
Yes.
Just do what I tell you to do.
We must be watchful of the possibility that happen.
Okay..
What's the popular gift for kids nowadays?
Forget it.
You really can't be a good dad to Su-an.
You didn't even attend her recital. I did not forget that. There's a lot of work here.
Soo-an will be happy when you bring her to Busan.
Are you going to buy her gifts again for her birthday?
You should listen to her once instead of giving her gifts.
Can you keep her wish this time?
Yes I promise we'll go to Busan.
I don't trust your promise
Trust me.
Keep your promise.
Soo-an is tired of all the promising..
Nevermind, I'll talk to you..
You know that its her birthday tomorrow right?
I know!
Here, I'll hold this.
Thank you..
Where is she?
She's in her room playing..
When will we go there?
Mom, did you talk to dad?
-Im gonna hang the phone now, he's here.
It's okay you can talk to her.
-I already hung-up.
Your mother called me earlier.
Dad promised I will bring you to Busan.
But before that, there are things I have to do.
So Suo-an needs to be patient.
Here
You thought I forgot?
Happy birthday.
what's wrong? , open it.
Why, you don't like it?
-Last year on children's day too.
Well, tell me what you want.
-Busan
-I want to go to mom at Busan.
Yeah, just wait
We definitely there after affair father finished ...
No...
Tomorrow...
Dad always say we'll go next time. Anyway, tomorrow we have to go ...
You don't have to come with me.
grant my wish for once ...
Is there a lot of work?
Yes there is.
Are you going to Busan tomorrow?
Yes.
You did good. Try talking with your wife when you arrive there.
It's not good if you just break-up like that.
You two should re-unite again.
There is nothing wrong you are together again ...
Try it this time so that you can come back again ...
Mother...
I don't want to talk about it.
Let it stay in the past.
Okay.
Do not be too busy with work.
Sometimes, life isn't necessarily on one side. Enjoy your life.
Remember your family.
Come Soo's spirit..
Keep singing..
Applause for Soo-an!
Mom, okay mom.
We're on our way now, see you.
That song, why didn't you finished singing it?
How did you know?
You weren't there.
Papa always know what you've been doing
I don't just focus on work.
I focus on you too. - Okay
You sing well.
I'll tell you, money does not bring happiness to ourselves.
Remember it always..
Ahh.. That was close.
What's going on?
Soo-an, are you okay?
What's happening?
Now, we really need to keep going.
(CENTRAL STATION)
All departing passengers, kindly board the train now as this train is now ready to depart for Busan.
Excuse me, where is the south station?
-Ah, South station, you need to that way..
Thank you.
Kyo-shi
-Yes?
Your scarf.
Please rest during this trip.
Good.
Wow, jihee is here.
What do you mean, I'm comming with you.
I'm your cheerleader.
How are you all ?
Good...
Finally .. Also fresh eyes ...
Finally...
Hey, go find another seat okay.
Stingy you did not want to share ...
Hey, if your thankful to see me, Just say "Thank you". Even the "tools" you also right for you ...
She's right...
Accept her.
Accept her.
Accept her.
Here, eat this.
Aigoo ...
Where did you get that egg.
Eat it yourself.
-Eat this.
-No, I don't like.
-Chief.
-Yes. but why?
Let us take care of ... really?
We'll discuss it after I get back.
I'll be there after lunch.
-See you later...
-Good.
-I'm so sorry.
-I'm so sorry..
Please forgive me.
I'm so sorry.
Excuse me.
-Yes?
Are you the one incharge? -Yes.
Ive seen a suspiscious passenger
Where is the passenger?
inside the lavatory, its been a while since then -really?
lets see..
I apologize Mr. I will check on it.
Passenger?
Passenger?
-Everyone is dead.
-I'm sorry, but may I see your ticket?
-Everyone is dead.
-Mister, if you don't have a ticket we need to drop you off on the next station.
-Hey Kid, If you don't study well.
You'll end up like him.
My mother told me not to say that kind of words.
In a hurry?
We'll, you'll need to find another place because it will take a while. You could use the other comfort room.
Go there.
go
It will really take a while.
baby?
how are you doing down there?
Sorry, go ahead, take your time... take your time... go there, go there... she's gone, she's gone... relax... relax...
Miss, are you okay?
Miss?
oh what to do..
An Emergency in car 11!
Chief!
- Hello?
- Yes, Kim?
It's more serious than we anticipated.
It's not just an overnight Ansan incident.
I don't know whats happening, but it's not a simple strike.
Military deployed to Control Riots (Text on sceen) They say it's nationwide
- What about breathing?
But her seizure is uncontrollable!
Sir, what should we do?
I'll call you back.
Indiscriminate Violence at Riot (Text on screen) Oh no, they'll get hurt.
That's terrible. People nowadays will riot over anything In the old days, they'd be re-educated.
You mustn't say that.
Look, look.
What's up with them?
Miss?
What do I do..
Chief?
Chief where are you?
I don't believe this...
Chief?
Min Ji?
What is that?
What is happening.
What is this?
Excuse me.
Excuse me.
Excuse me.
Hurry!
Everyone Run!
Stand up!
(PANTING)
Conductor!
We have a situation here!
(KNOCKS)
Run!
Run!
-Oh my God!
-What in the Hell!
?
Get away! Just go!
Get out of here!
Head for the back!
Get up!
Hurry!
Daddy!
Baby?
Sang-hwa!
So damn loud!
Sorry, the thing is...
-Get off me!
You idiot!
Go help her!
Hey!
What's with you?
!
Have you gone mad?
!
Baby?
Sung-Kyung!
You can run, right?
(Massive Violence, Increasing Casualties)
Get Away!
Close the door!
The door!
Shut the door!
Quick!
Quick!
Shut it!
Shut it now!
Just shut it!
I know her!
Where's the lock?
Buddy, how do I lock this?
Do you hear me?
Let it go
What?
I don't think they know how to open.
They attack because they see us.
What in the...
What are they?
Su-an, you okay?
Hey buddy,
What is it?
Don't you owe me an apology?
What do you mean?
Look at this chump
You shut the door in our faces, asshole!
You weren't the only ones in danger!
What a piece of work.
Come here.
I'll feed you to them.
Stop it!
Everyone's just scared.
-Attention please!
-Due to our current situation, we wont be stopping in Cheonan,
-For your safety, please stay in your seats.
Hello, anyone there?
-Yes, go ahead
Do you even know what's going on back here?
Why aren't you stopping at Cheonan?
We're aware, sir
-This is the order from the control center.
-Please be seated.
That's nonesense!
People are going rabid!
Stop in Cheonan, got it?
!
Excuse me.
I'm really sorry but could she sit down?
She's pregnant.
-Okay
Sit, sit.
Thank you.
(Mother)
Mom
-Are you on your way?
Yes, we're en route.
Where are you?
Why is it so loud?
-What's happening you say?
Everyone's fighting.
-Are you and Su-an okay?
Why're you breathing like that, are you hurt?
-Seok-woo, my baby.
-Please take care of Su-an
Mom, you okay?
-My dear Su-an...
-I love her so much, but she only wants her mom...
-That bitch!
Mom?
-Dad!
-Dad!
-Is granny okay?
What the hell?
Sweetie, sit down.
My fellow citizens we're currently experiencing violent riots in all major cities, resulting in many civilian and police injuries.
Riots led to shutting down of various districts, and the rioters have forcibly attempted to destroy or take government property,
For this reason, we're entering state of emergency, in order to control current situations.
Thanks to our government's rapid response, various outbreaks are being contained
Fellow citizens, please refrain from reacting to baseless rumors, and stay in the safety of your homes, (KEY WORD: ZOMBIES)
We must stay calm and trust the government, in order to overcome such trying obstacle.
We believe that your safety is not in jeopardy
-Analyst Kim
Mommy's phone is off.
-Those in the front, hurry up!
Su-an, sit over here.
Don't worry, i'll give her a call.
Jong-gil, come sit down.
-You're older, you sit down Im fine, take it.
-Baby, let's go over there.
Ma'am, take my seat.
-I'm okay,
-No, please sit.
Child
Would you like one?
-Thank you!
What a great kid.
-We both got seats.
-Keep walking.
Su-an, you didn't have to do that.
-Do what?
At a time like this, only watch out for yourself.
Answer me.
Granny always had knee aches.
Sweetie...
May i have you attention please our train will conclude service at Daejeon station
Military is deployed there, and will secure our train, so once we arrive, please exit the train.
I repeat,
DAEJEON STATION is our last stop. Which cities can be entered?
Yeosu, Uljin, Busan. What about Daejeon?
Excuse me, I need to use it.
What about Daejeon?
Why not?
!
Sweetie, stay put.
Hey, kiddo.
-Yes? Who is he?
Your dad?
-Yes Real dad? -Yes.
I wanna know.
What does he do?
-He's a fund manager.
Fund manager?
-Yes
He's a bloodsucker. He leaches off others.
-Don't say that in front of his child.
It's okay
That's what everyone thinks,
-Want some?
-It's what Sleepy eats.
-This is Sleepy. Say hello. Baby's name is Sleepy?
-No, the fetus name.
-It's like a nickname,
-He's daddy too lazy to come up with a name yet. Touch her belly.
-Right here.
-Go on.
-Felt it?
I made that.
-You idiot...
-But it's true, No?
(Analyst Kim)
Mr. Suh, you called me at a bad time.
Wait, Wait!
Let me ask you something, What?
I'm on KTX to Daejeon. KTX?
Right this minute?
Yes, I'm almost there,
Is it true military is deployed in Daejeon?
Yes, that's correct.
Is that so?
It must be safe there.
Well... It's...
Min, It is safe, right?
Once you arrive, you'll be quarantined. What?
I'm with my daughter. Can you help me and my daughter?
But the thing is...
I'll get you a real scoop, do me a favor.
Don't go to the main square, come to the East one.
I'll let my men know. Okay, thank you. Thanks so much.
All dead...
All dead...
What's going on?
So quiet.
Is it Daejeon?
There's nobody. Why isn't anyone here?
What's going on back there?
This is that violent incident i told you about.
-Your'e the conductor? -Yes.
How many can fit in the engine car?
We must uncouple it and go to Busan. -Uncouple?
-Yes!
-We can't!
-Why not? !
It can't be done here.
Then, where's the Military? Right...
I only recieved a report about it...
-Where's my business card...
-I'm COO of Stallion Express,
-all routes into Daejeon are cut off.
-our busses are all rerouted But what for?
The City's been quarantined!
They probably won't let us in. But Busan is still open, let's go there!
-Wait, if that's true... -We just take others.
-Take Who? !
-Let's check the station first.
Hey!
Dammit!
RESTRICTED AREA
Don't mind them
Come on sweetie.
Where are we going?
We're going this way.
-Just us? -Yes, Let's go.
What is it?
I'm going this way too. Main square is that way, just follow other people.
I'm gonna come with you.
I heard your phone call. About pulling you two out.
I know others will be quarantined.
It's not true, Su-an.
I'll go tell the others.
- You don't have to.
- Of course I do! Forget them!
We're all on our own!
You only care about yourself.
That's why mommy left.
Sweetie...
Here!
Over here!
Please help!
Sweetie, stay right here.
Goddamit!
Hold on!
Go back up!
Go! Go!
Mr. Min
- Mr. Suh!
- I'm in Daejeon Is everything okay there?
I can't contact my men! - Mr. Suh! - I'm in Daejeon
I can't contact my men! What? Is everything okay there?
I can't contact my men!
What? Hello?
Help me...
Come on!
Hurry!
Hurry up!
Quick!
Take this!
Run!
Come on!
Asshole!
Come on!
Faster!
Hold them off!
- Over here!
Run! - This way!
Hurry!
Here!
This way!
Come on!
Hurry!
Why aren't we leaving yet?
!
Hurry!
Why aren't we leaving yet?
!
There are still more people!
Hurry up!
Come this way!
Hurry!
Faster!
Here!
Granny!
Please get up!
No. stop!
My sister!
Hop on!
Me too!
Let me in!
Please!
How much longer?
We have to leave!
No! my friends aren't here yet!
Those onboard must survive!
Ain't I right?
Conductor.
Please...depart.
Run!
let's go!
Look, the train!
Run faster!
Snap out of it, idiot!
Watch out!
Control, 101 could not dock at Daejeon due to outbreak.
Advise which station is available to dock, over.
101, due to unstable comm, it is difficult to advise.
Control, is 101 clear to reach Busan?
Over.
101, we'll clear your route to Busan.
Control center, out. 101, we'll clear your route to Busan.
Control center, out.
Advise when you make contact with Busan.
101, out.
Attention everyone.
For those safety of those on board, we won't be making any stops, and head straight for Busan.
Conductor, can you hear me?
Go ahead.
Were you able to contact Busan?
No, the communication is erratic.
Full speed, no matter what!
Or we won't get in, understand?
Young-guk, where are you?
I thought you were dead!
I'm sorry!
No one else made it!
I'm sorry.
- Baby?
- Mister!
Huh? Why are you answering?
Where are you?
We're in the train washroom!
Washroom?
which car?
Well... it's...
Car 13!
- Get your ass over here!
- Baby
Was that my kid?
Is she okay?
Washroom in car 13.
Gonna pass through?
Let's say you got through and rescue them, how will you come back?
In car 15, people are gathered there.
Car 9
Only 4 cars away.
I'll lead, you in the middle,
and you in the back.
Block anyone attacking from the rear.
I heard you're a fund manager.
Then you're an expert, at leaving useless people behind.
Wait till we exit the tunnel.
Let's go.
Come on!
Let's go!
Move.
Out of the way.
They stopped once we entered the tunnel, right?
Probably because of darkness.
Yeah, I think so too. Probably because of darkness. Yeah, I think so too.
There are even more here.
What do we do now?
There's no way around it.
Let's go.
Give me your handphone.
Why?
Get that out of my face.
Yo, douche. Felt good to see your kid thanks to me?
Are you grateful or what?
Why is your ringtone so tacky?
What's wrong with it?
How do i change it?
Am i funny?
You little rat?
How tall are you?
181cm.
10km away, at 300km/h... What?
2 minutes. upcoming tunnel will give us 2 minutes.
- Can we do it? - We gotta. If we miss this one, there's another in 3km...
I bet you never get to play with your daughter.
When she gets older, she'll understand why you work so hard.
Dads get all the bad rap and no praise, but it's all about sacrifice, right?
What's with the look?
Did I sound cool?
People rescued. Heading over now.
My friend's coming here!
What did you say?
My friend from another car is coming over.
What did you say?
My friend from another car is coming over.
- Who's coming?
- My friend!
He was in car 9, and he rescued some people.
Rescued?
From there to here, passing through those monsters?
Without any injuries?
You sure they're not infected?
Are you damn sure?
!
What do you mean?
Look, look at them.
At a moment like this, no one knows what happened to their families.
We don't even know if your damn friends are infected!
But allow them in here?
!
I don't believe this.
Sir, please say something.
They'll be here soon.
Sir!
Get over here.
One!
Two!
Run!
Jin-hee!
Jin-hee!
Hurry the hell up!
Open up!
Hey!
Open this door!
Jin-hee!
Open this door!
- Open up!
- Jin-hee, Jin-hee
Open it now!
It wont budge!
It can't open it!
Smash it!
Stand back!
Hurry up!
Dammit...
You stupid idiots!
Come on!
In-gil!
Young-guk!
Stand back!
Young-guk!
Stand back!
Young-guk!
Stay away!
Stay back, baby.
Please go!
Buddy, hey!
Take her and leave.
You have to go!
I said go, douche! I'm getting tired, please go.
Take care of her, okay?
I'll hold them off, just go!
I'm sorry...
We have to go, let's go!
Yoon Su-yun!
Our baby's name!
Got it?
Why did you do it?
!
You bastard!
We could've save them!
Why?
!
He's infected!
He's one of them!
This guy's infected!
His eyes!
Look at his eyes!
He'll become one of them!
Do you all want to die?
!
We must throw them out!
Those of you who just arrived,
I don't think you can stay with us.
Please move to the vestibule.
Just go!
Get out!
Get out now!
Hurry up!
Move!
Go!
Leave us!
Get the hell out!
Out now!
Hurry!
It'll be safer for you to stay here.
No, I don't want to stay.
I'm coming with you. But... Get the hell out!
What are you waiting for!
Okay, let's go.
Get out!
Rest of you!
Get out!
Get out of here!
Let's go.
Tie it faster!
More ties!
Neckties!
Shut up! I'm working on it! More ties!
I'm working on it!
Yun In-gil Great name.
Always helping others instead of yourself.
Why did you live like that?
What was the point? So stupid...
Shut up!
Be quiet!
Stay in your seat!
What a load of shit.
Finish up and do the other side too.
Thank you for everyting.
That woman...
Stop her! That woman... Stop her!
Control, this is Busan-bound 101!
Requesting current situation in Busan, over.
Control?
!
Control!
It's your birthday...
Don't worry.
I'll take you to mom no matter what.
Aren't you scared?
Of course I am. I'm scared too.
I was so scared. I thought I'd never see you again.
I practiced that song just for you.
That's why I couldn't sing. Because I didn't see you.
Will you stay with me?
Ex-wife
The person you're calling is not available
Analyst Kim
Yes, Kim.
Have you arrived in Busan?
Not yet, where are you?
Is it okay there?
Busan succeeded in initial defense.
What?
You sure?
Chief.
We are the one who started this.
Our plant started all of this.
Chief.
We're only doing our jobs right?
Is this my fault?
It's... It's not your fault.
Thank you...
Kim...
Attention please.
Due to a blockage on our track, we have stopped at East Daegu Station.
We should either wait for the rescue team, or we'll have to reach Busan in another train.
As soon as I end this announcement, I will find a working train and put it on left most track.
What's going on?
I repeat, left most track. What's going on?
I repeat, left most track.
If you're alive, please transfer safely.
Godspeed.
Will there be a rescue?
I heard that Busan is safe.
We have to move now.
Coast clear?
Yeah.
You go ahead.
We've got to find a way across.
What in the...
Over here!
No...
Oh no...
What now...
We have to move, come on!
Jin-hee, let's go!
Stand back!
Jin-hee!
Jin-hee!
This can't be...
I'm sorry...
Daddy!
Wake up!
Daddy!
Daddy!
What's going on?
Come on faster!
Faster!
Dammit!
Help!
Sweetie, come here!
Su-an, Su-an!
Mister!
Sweetie!
Su-an, come here!
Mister... Go! Hurry!
Go! Hurry!
Come on!
Hurry!
Let's go!
Hurry!
Hurry!
Daddy!
Mister.
Please bring me to Busan.
Please help me.
My mother is waiting for me.
Please bring me home. giving his address
You are already infected.
No, no, no, no...
Su-an come here. Sit here.
Listen to me...
Here is the throttle, the brakes.
When you need to stop
Pull the break
Su-an..
Look at me...
Su-an...
Listen to me.
You must stay with her, okay?
Busan is still safe, that is why... that is why...
-Don't go! ...
-Don't go Father!
...
Come with us.
-Please don't leave me..
-Don't go...
-You should come with us.
-Don't go...
-Don't go...
-Don't go...
-Please don't go...
-Pleas come with us.
Don't go...
-Don't go...
-Father!
...
Father!
...
-Father!
...
No don't go! ...
I see something
Approaching 2 subjects at our location. Looks like a woman and a child. Are you able to verify the subjects?
Its so dark on the other side
I can't clearly see them
Cant clearly see the subjects, unable to verify.
Kill them.
(CHILD SINGING) 2 survivors approaching
THE END