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cracked | if_beer_ads_were_forced_to_be_honest_beer_commercial_parody | Carp's signature summer ales. When friends gather, tradition, craftsmanship, and quality blend together into an affordable brain and liver poison, we're sure you'll love. Because it's chemically dependence-forming in a portion of the population, every bottle of carps is guaranteed to kill enough of your brain to impair your fine motor control, inhibitions, and judgment, but not enough to kill you.
Unless you drink enough of it, and actually it's not even that much you have to drink. It tastes okay. How do we do it? We combine quality ingredients with small animals called yeast and a slurry of grain and water.
They eat it and poop out the poison. Smooth, authentic poison. Then we seal them in a dark, airless container so they drown in their own poop, which we drink. Their rotting corpses form the bubbles. That's addictive liver brain poison the way your grandfather used to order it. My family's proud of our long tradition of making fine gut poison. Carp's all natural.
It'll make you feel different than you usually do, in a good way. But then the next day it'll feel like you were poisoned, which you were.
So don't be surprised or complain to us about it. I'm Roger, by the way. I've sent off all your purchases all October long.
If you don't like this shirt, that's fine. There are other shirts. This is Nikola Tesla. It's also a woman's shirt that I grabbed by accident. He died a virgin, probably because he didn't have a fly ass shirt like this to attract the honeys, but you hate it. That's fighting too. There are others. Oh, this was planned. This is another woman's shirt. It's Blues Brothers reservoir dogs.
You can have it. You can buy it. Promo code fan. This is Theodore Roosevelt. He didn't die a virgin at all because he had this face his whole life and you can have it too. And if you don't like it, that's also fine because this is a thesaurus shirt. And it's really cool and dinosaurs went extinct and you could learn a bunch of other words for extinct from a thesaurus or you just walk around this and impress people.
But there's more. There's more.
There's no more. This is it. Use promo code Dan. 15% off all October long. That's it. |
cracked | tinder_vs_okcupid_3_important_differences_rom_com | I don't understand. I use your dating website. Why'd you bring me in here to use Kindlin? Market research? We want to get a sense of what your experience is like with our competitors. I heard Kindlin was just for hookups. That's not really my... This robot's just for hookups?
Asian. Asian nurse.
It doesn't work that way. It obviously doesn't work that way.
It's really clean and simple looking. It's hard to let people know what I'm like. Not a lot of room for hobbies or Pinterests.
Swipe right if you like what you see. Swipe left if you don't. If two people swipe right at each other, then you'll be allowed to chat. No unwanted messages get in.
Oh. Uh... Swipe left for no? That felt amazing. I wanted the bad thing gone and now it's gone. Yes. Yes, yes, yes, yes. It's weird. I know I have the option to look at their info and more pictures, but they just make it so easy to... Oh, shit. I did not know I was just doing that. Sure.
I feel like a Roman emperor just sending things away. Sending people away. The things are people.
Are you trying to swipe me away? No. Look, I know we're supposed to be competing, but it's lunch, so... Can we talk about how stupid kindling is?
Why does everyone list their height in their about me section? And they'll post links to their Instagram? There's a bunch of bizarrely specific...
That reminds me. Shut up. I'm gonna find your profile. Good luck.
It's not as simple as just... Sound it. Let's see. Now, what the God hell damn year was that photo taken? You are supposed to put a variety of pictures up to give a broad overview. Sure, but...
Don't you think your potential date will be a little bit mad when he realizes you're no longer a 19-year-old swimmer with long, horrible hair? You're allowed to do stuff like that when you're a dude dating other dudes. The rules are different. This is your about me?
Hey, I was born in Amherst, Massachusetts. Now I'm in LA. I love hiking and my dog. And I'm looking for a guy who's down for some stimulating conversation and art films but also has a silly side.
I am six foot three. What? I am six foot three.
Silly side? Everyone says that. Silly side.
No one sounds like themselves in their dating profile. You'll see. I'll find... Little miss thinks she's... How do you search for straight people?
Got it! I am a driven and goal-oriented person who is fully employed, seeking same. I'm originally from Seattle, but I lived in Brooklyn for a number of years. My favorite TV show is X-Files and I will not go see your improv show. Profiles in general are difficult because there is a desire to be authentic. That you need to reconcile with whatever it is you think other people want.
What else? Dogs are better than cats. Candy is for adults.
And my favorite karaoke song is...
And we have reached the character limit that I didn't know existed. Forgot about Dre. That's what I would have added. I ran out.
Nowadays everybody want to talk. Like they got something to say, but no don't come back. You could have just edited stuff out when you reached the limit. It's a cliffhanger. It makes people want to know more.
Like, what is her favorite karaoke song? And who's her favorite person to remind people about whom not to forget? And when she runs around talking about...
I'm sorry. You've reached the character limit on this actual real life conversation. You're scaring away all your potential molders. Please.
Look at her dating history. Scully obviously should have ended up with Skinner.
And call... Hey. You're not listening. Huh? Oh. Man, it's... You know?
Holy cats! That's it! Come on, Max! Let's go! Holy cats. Yes. Max. Arms! Excited!
I'm doing it. Yeah. I need you on my level. Come on. I'm there with you, man. Here you are. Look, I'm doing it. Just... Okay. Okay, I'm coming.
It's ruining nightlife. Imagine a bar full of people, but instead of talking or interacting, they're all just pawing at their phones.
Like a bunch of zombies with paws. Like a bunch of dead zombie puppies.
People still meet at bars, ale houses, and disco techs. Say, meet me at the blind pig for a jaunt. Disgusting. Where did you meet your husband?
At sea in a storm.
Like all the cool gods did. The point is that everyone's interacting with the Kindle app, but it's so addicting to play it that there's not enough of an incentive to commit to anything. We've been trying to keep up with Kindlin to take away their market, but I think we need to distance ourselves. We brand. People who use fine love look like me or you. Hardworking professionals. Passionate tastemakers. Sexual dynamite running around town, remembering about Dre. People who use Kindlin look like this.
Huh? What? Hey, wait a minute. Why'd you bring me in here?
Is this what we want the future of dating to look like? This is what a Kindlin user does. And people who met on our site are actual couples that have lasted. They do fun stuff. Horseback riding.
Avoiding improv shows. God, you hate improv. Oh, give us an example of a situation and a time. Don't make me work for my entertainment. Come up with something yourself.
What is this strategy? New commercials. New branding on the site.
Testimonials from couples that have met on fine love and have lasted.
It's the one thing Kindlin doesn't have. I like it. All of it. Making Kindlin look childish using Max as an unwilling prop in your presentation.
Hey, yeah. Do it. You have 24 hours. What? Really? No. No, I suppose not. You have some amount of time that's reasonable. Fine. Do it.
Congratulations, Josie. Josie!
If this succeeds, you can have Max's office. I don't have one. Fine. Some of his things, then. I don't care. The point is he'll be fired.
Guys, thank you so much for watching rom.com. Make sure that you subscribe to watch more videos. Yep.
And we pointed out in this episode that a lot of people share their Instagram information and their heights in their profiles. What are some other bizarrely specific things that you've found are common to all online dating? |
TheOnion | The_Booker_Monroe_Story_The_First_African_American_To_Use_A_Whites_Only_Glory_Hole | Although he is mentioned in few textbooks, Booker Monroe made history in 1965 as the first African American to use a whites-only glory hole. Despite white glory holes having better funding, maintenance, and sanitation, racial segregation of public utilities was upheld under the Supreme Court until the 1954 ruling of Brown v. the Board of Education. But just because this law was overturned doesn't mean integration was accepted.
I was terrified. I mean, it seems like that first day, all the white people in town came out to protest me. Men, women, even children. And they were all screaming, go back to your own glory hole. I remember my husband said to me, Ethel, I don't know if I'm brave enough to put my penis in the white man's hole. And I took his hand in mine and I said, you have to, because it's time to make a change.
Booker's use of the whites-only glory hole was so controversial that the segregationist governor even called in the National Guard to stop him, forcing President Lyndon B. Johnson to send in federal troopers to escort Monroe to the glory hole. Said Johnson, I have commissioned the United States 102nd Airborne Division in an effort to escort Booker Monroe in order to preserve his safety as we strive for greater equality in this nation. It is Mr. Monroe's right as an American to use this glory hole. Finally, on Wednesday, August 4, 1965, Booker Monroe was able to break down a centuries-old barrier and become the first black man to use a glory hole that people of all races can use today. |
programmersarealsohuman | interview_with_a_gnu_linux_user_cd_2 | Okay, so let's start. What is going on?
I will not speak to make a broadcast that is not being viewed with free software. Please don't watch this on your Macbook.
When I was a PhD, I failed all of my essays. It said clearly. This essay is useful but without warranty.
Yes, supply with tea and milk, tea with milk and sugar would be nice. If it's a tea I really like, without milk and sugar please. Can you tell me what's in there?
I will have to reject that drink. The Pepsi is also a closed recipe. No, leave the Pepsi.
When I did start using Ubuntu based distros, after about four years I decided to use Mint and it's vastly superior cinema desktop. I am back on PC Linux OS, which I ran a lot in the early 2010s because I was never a fan of systemd.
Now let me tell you.
Slow boot time. Ubuntu needs almost twice as long to boot as MX Linux and thrice as long as puppy Linux and four times as long as slide test and five times as long as user unfriendly. When I tried logging in into Ubuntu for the first time, Ubuntu kept rejecting my password. Probably there was something wrong with the keyboard, settings being defaulted or I just forgot it.
Whatever. It was awful.
Growing frustrated, I switched to Kali Linux. Kali Linux also had problems, like the sound not working out of the box, but these things were easily to fix with one or two weeks of internet searches. After a few years of internet searches. The display started blinking, Kali Linux started screen flickering, screen not appearing when opening my laptop, laptop not appearing when opening my stream.
So then I obviously switched to MX Linux, obviously. Then after getting a light taste of the lightweight distro, I decided to go minimalist and switch to Pop OS. Then I joined the North Korean friendship organization, switched to Red Star OS.
I'm not going to lie. It's a great OS. No need to worry about encryption certificates, as HTTPS is forbidden. I won't forget my password. I can just ask the government. I left because it has some spyware deep inside, but it's done pretty elegantly. It doesn't bloat the OS. Microsoft has something to learn here.
Then I went to Cuba, switched to Nova. Now I am in China. I am using Kylan. Your country is only ever truly free if it has its own OS. I should declare my own state.
I mean OS. Then I watched too much Nickelodeon. Switched to Hannah Montana OS. Weird distro. Still better than Windows. Luckily, taste changed. I switched to Bibyan. Of course, on servers, I still use Railbase distros, but I do still have Peppermint OS. Then when Bitcoin rallied, I switched to Lambo OS. Had some health problems, switched my diet, went for Coconut OS, but that wasn't good for me. So now I'm using Papaya OS. A distro for each personality.
Why not? What's with the hat? It's a fedora.
Now I'm using Gen 2. It's the only true Linux. I mean GNU slash, I mean, why is this so hard?
I am the open RC gang. As a contrary, I have extreme opinions despite being educated. I spend a lot of time on 4chan. I don't want to hear more about the virus.
No, I use Linux. I mean GNU Linux. I mean, that's how I boot my PC nowadays.
It's like the sound of a Diet Pepsi. What do I use nowadays? Oh, is that a question? I use art by the way. Rolling basses. Never breaks like most people say. What is going on? |
dropout | don_t_laugh_news_bed_bug_alert | Lil' Dairy, Lil' Daisy Creamers. And Whelan Fatback Wieners.
Oh shit. From West Hollywood, California, the only news team that doesn't know what's on the teleprompter before they read it. Anyone who laughs or breaks loses points. This is Breaking News. Welcome to Breaking News, the show where we don't know what we're about to say, and we aren't allowed to smile or laugh.
I'm Bob Sauce. And I'm Bob Sauce.
Tonight, a big upset for anyone looking to buy mattresses? Mattresses? You better believe it. I don't. Well, start.
Okay, local mattress retailer, AssKing, discovered a little bed bug infestation in the padding of their California AssKing mattress. Now, Sauce, is that the same infestation that affected their twin AssKings last fall? The very same AssKing infestation. Now, regarding this infestation, uh-huh, what can consumers do to make sure their own mattresses aren't ass-affected? Interestingly, a California native species of spider is said to be the best way to fully examine, exterminate bed bugs. They are friendly to humans, but love those little bugs. Little bugs. Now, don't you think, Sauce, that the solution will create a big spider infestation?
Hey, one problem at a time, am I right? Now, to throw it over to weather. Hi, hi, I am the weather person. This is the weather update.
Winds are moving in due east, so if you're trying to dump your AssKings, be sure to do it before the wind strikes. Dump our AssKings? You have to pause for a stupid amount of time. Dump your AssKings!
Thanks all, back to you. Thanks, Saucy. Ooh, this just in, a breaking news alert from our senior correspondent, Little Shitty Canole, Little Shitty. Thanks, Sauces. It appears that in response to the AssKing mattress crisis, congressional representative Todd Dungass is issuing a ban on newly illicit substances said to attract bed bugs. The complete list is as follows. |
TheBetootaAdvocate | Betoota_Podcast_Ep120_Jackie_Trad_MP | You're listening to Errol Parker and Clancy Overall, editors of The Batooter Advocate on Desert Rock FM. Welcome back to The Batooter Advocate radio show recording live here from downtown Batooter in the old city district and there's a lot going on in the world today, you're joined by myself, Clancy Overall and of course Errol Parker, how are you Errol?
Good mate. We've got a lot going on in the world, we've got JobKeeper getting extended and reduced and we've got Labour identity crisis at the federal level, we've got a lot going on, everyone seems to be forgetting that there is an election coming up in Queensland at the state level. To talk about that today, we've invited a guest in from I guess the Tuscan-like plains of South Brisbane, she's been in the media a lot recently, Jackie Trad thank you for joining us. Thank you very much for having me Clancy and Errol. It's nice to talk to you Jackie.
Now how are things feeling right now in Queensland, like in South East Queensland anyway? Obviously out in the bush, no one really has felt this that much apart from probably a few FIFO industries were kind of missing out on a lot of workers early days and you know there were a few other restrictions that carried all the way out. We've got people, pubs in Orgathella and even Batooter signing in before they go to the pub and obviously the grey nomads and the tourism has disappeared in the bush but other than that we don't have that feeling of intense lockdown that you may have in Brisbane. How is the feeling?
I think most people are looking at what's happening in Victoria with a lot of concern and they're very grateful that we took swift early action in Queensland so I'm getting really good feedback around the type of things that we did early in Queensland. Of course we were the first jurisdiction to announce a public health emergency and Anastasia's been just terrific leading that response with Stephen Miles, the Health Minister and Deputy Premier. So look I think everyone's been very pleased with the government's response, everyone's done the right thing in terms of maintaining social distance but even if you're in the north or in the west I think Queenslanders are united, they don't want to see a spread of coronavirus throughout the state.
No I don't think anyone does Jackie, which kind of leads us to our next question.
Can you take us a bit inside what happened behind closed doors when you decided to lock the rest of the country out and when you decided to let the rest of the country back in last week except of course for the people of the cold south in Victoria. And some New South Wales hotspots. The cold southwest of Sydney.
Yes that's right.
As you know Queenslanders, they have a particular disposition when it comes to New South Welshman so I think we, a lot of people were very grateful that our borders were secure in order to make sure that we just didn't get a spread. Look we, the Premier and the Health Minister have been working lockstep with the Chief Health Officer Jeanette Young in Queensland, she's probably one of the most experienced Chief Health Officers in Australia. Her advice has been absolutely spot on and because of that and because of the great teamwork here in Queensland, the decision to close the borders was very swift, it was very early, we were the first jurisdiction to do that and other jurisdictions followed. And sure, we copped a lot of flak, the Premier particularly copped a lot of flak, but there's been I think subsequent apologies and recognition that that was the right thing to do. I don't know how closely you work with the Attorney General of Queensland but I just wanted to know if you're still waiting for Pauline Hanson to take you down to the High Court to make you reopen the borders.
You know, did any paperwork actually come through? Well, they gave it a red hot go, but I think it sort of stumbled once we saw an outbreak in Victoria. So that's, I think that speaks volumes for the type of challenge that it was. It was all a political stunt, right? And I think you also saw the federal government join in on that front. So I think it was, I think it was pretty poor form to want to spend a lot of taxpayer dollars on something that was always going to be, I think, futile. But in the end, I think rather than accept the scientific advice, rather than accept the medical advice, people were just political point scoring and you expect that in election year, right?
Do you feel vindicated? Does it feel good to be vindicated by, I mean, obviously no one wants to be vindicated, but like, you know, it feels good to shut her up.
Look, I certainly think that the Premier was due the apology she got from Stefanovic. Yeah. Okay. Well, it's good that Carl Stefanovic can play the role as spokesperson for the One Nation Party that he platforms every week.
Anyway, not anymore though, not anymore. No, it's only Channel 7.
Speaking of kind of, I guess, populism in the news and populism in politics, for some reason you are in the cross hairs quite a lot and accused of this yourself. Particularly, I mean, there would be people listening to this podcast right now from more rural areas of Queensland who probably haven't even heard you say anything right now that makes them angry, but they're angry that we're talking to you. So it's a two part question. One, why are you quite often given the jobs as the, you know, member of the Queensland cabinet to deal with so many issues in the bush? Because the moment they hear the word West End and Labour left, they probably get angry to begin with. Yeah. There are lots of farmers out there who hear those words and associate that with a person who can't tell them that they can't run a chain between two D9s and clear a thousand acres out the back of Roma. Don't trad on me was a sign that was getting around a lot during the ECCA a couple of years ago. Why is it that you are running point on so many of these regional issues? To be frank, I don't think I have in recent times.
I think that this has been a political campaign and there are quite clearly, I think, those people who are attached to political parties who want to use, I guess, the Labour Party's position on a number of things, whether that's land clearing, tree clearing, whether it's about improving regulations around the water runoff into the reef. They want to devalue it in a way, to dismiss it as part of the culture wars as opposed to something that we ought to do as a community and as a society if we want to see, you know, if we want to reduce emissions, if we want the Great Barrier Reef to survive, if we want to do all these sorts of things. But I will say this, and that is that I don't think it's solely landholders that have the obligation and the responsibility around the things that we're talking about. You know, like we all live in a community where we consume stuff that requires the working of land. And so as consumers, we need to think better around that. As people who use cars and contribute to carbon emissions, we need to think about our energy footprint. So I do want to say that I think the polarizing part of the debate, where it's about focusing in on people and what they do on the land as landholders, as opposed to what we all do as a community and society has been unfair.
And that's certainly not the position that I take. Do you ever pick up a, you know, a copy of the Courier Mail and think, what are they saying about me now? So thankfully, because we do live in the digital age, I can get I can get a lot of news bulletins online and I do get alerts. So, yeah, you know, quite clearly there's been views, whether that's conservatives using mainstream media outlets that want to put those positions. But at the end of the day, that's what you sign up for in a public life, I suppose. Now, you mentioned before you're talking about kind of a multifaceted economy, which is refreshing to hear from a Labour Party MP to kind of talk about those different things.
But that perhaps that comes from your upbringing in a small business owner family in the Gabba. Yeah, you would have dealt a lot with, I guess. I mean, what was your family's operation there? So like a lot of migrants, it was in fruit and vegetable retail. So it was a small family business. You know, Mum and Dad did have employees, but it was predominantly a family run small business.
So for many years at the Gabba, just across from the Mighty Gabba Stadium. So what was formerly known as the Gabba Fiveways? So just a little bit up from the Gabba Fiveways, actually.
I think we had a big bicycle shop there now. That's going back a long time. It's going back a long way. Laser force. Yeah, so I remember when the freeway was built and, you know, it was a big deal. It really did, I think, divide up the Gabba and really erode its high street cultural identity.
And like many other prominent Queensland politicians before you, your family were of Lebanese background. I mean, we're talking specifically the member of Kennedy, but also, you know, there's been plenty of kind of Lebanese. Maronite family? Yep, yep, yep, Maronite family.
And so were your parents migrants or are you second generation? I'm second generation. So mum and dad came out. Dad came first and then mum came a number of years later. So and dad chose East Brisbane to buy his first house and that's where we all grew up.
Well, I suppose, you know, they do call Brisbane the Beirut of Australia. I mean, you know, like they are, you know, they're both on the coast. They have a rich history. You know, the weather's largely the same, except I suppose you could say it's a bit more humid down there in Brisbane. But yet they do have quite a similar vibe, in my opinion. Can I say I've been to Beirut and I'm not sure that they're having fun.
But that was in about 2007. No, the Brisbane's the Beirut of Australia and Beirut's the Paris of the Mediterranean. Yeah, the Middle East. Yeah.
And what's Batutah? Batutah is, I guess you'd say, it's the jewel of the Diamantina.
Yeah, it's Australia's Australia. Yeah, it's Queensland's largest inland port down there on the Diamantina River. Beautiful.
Now, did that kind of upbringing, did that lead you to politics or, you know, as it instructed a lot of your personal or political values, because you often do hear that Albanese, Plibersek say similar things and they say that's what led them to the Labour Party. Yeah, we always had, well, I grew up with Dad always talking about politics with his brothers. So he had a number of brothers and, you know, cousins and stuff. And of course, this was at the time of the Bajaki-Peterson government, but there was also a civil war in Lebanon. So there was always something to talk about in a political sense, I suppose. So I grew up around it and I think it was a huge contributor, huge contributor to me taking an active interest in politics, in current affairs and what was happening in the world around me. And it shaped my thinking. So, yes, it was a big factor in drawing me to a political life.
Is that something that you kind of was introduced to you really at university? I do notice that you did go to Griffith, which is, you know, a real hotbed of the left-wing ideas in Brisbane. You know, so that's in terms of universities in Brisbane.
That's definitely the 4-triple-Z, you know. Well, 4-triple-Z came from UQ.
Yeah, but UQ has changed a lot. They've inserted so much overseas money into that university.
It doesn't know where it is now. She can't cut that on the head. Well, yeah, as we saw in 4-triple-Z, it's not, you know, it's not, you know.
So, Griffith, look, Griffith, it's a great university. I really valued my education at Griffith University.
You know, it did, there was lots of critical thinking. There was lots of challenges around how we perceive the world. And I thought it was a great education.
And it's a real shame. The type of undergraduate degree that I did is now going to be attracting such a significant increase in fees because of the Morrison government's decision. So, that's really disappointing. And I know it's going to hit a lot of young students quite hard.
Do you think that's because the government doesn't want young kids to grow up and think, you know, that they can become things like a journalist and, you know, perhaps write things that the government doesn't really like? Well, I just think it indicates that they don't value those types of courses. They don't value critical thinking. They don't value the role that a broad-based education plays.
I do think that we always need to produce people who are obviously not only skilled and can build our cities and maintain our cities and our economy and can contribute in whatever professional sense that they can, but we also need critical thinkers, I think. And, you know, I think that's Australia's background, right? I think that's our ethos from the Eureka Stockade to arbitration system to the way our federation was set up and the real sense of egalitarianism and not just transposing British culture and British class society into Australia. We've always been critical and wanting to develop our own cultural identity, right? So, I just think it's a natural extension that we should want our kids, want our population, want our voters to be good critical thinkers. So, what you're saying is not everyone in Australia can be a multimillion dollar glass balustrade installation professional from the Cronulla Shire?
No, but you see, the key difference is that there are people like that who are having a go and then our society is rewarding them by giving them a go. That's the key ethos that underpins this current government, is that perhaps if you've got a degree in, you know, art criticism, you're not really having a go. I mean, because it's not, you know, a real job, so you don't get a go. But if you do like a...
Sure, but jobs in the creative industries is one of the fastest growing areas of job creation or wars before coronavirus.
Anastasia got Tom Hanks, she got Tom Hanks for Queensland. 100%, 100%. Got him there twice.
So, you know, and the federal government's just announced money for attracting the film industry to Australia. So, on the one hand, you're saying these courses don't matter, but on the other hand, you're actually making, putting taxpayer funds into these industries in order to create more economic diversity.
So, it doesn't, what they're saying and what they're doing doesn't match up. And it's just fitting into the cultural wall, right? Yeah. You don't, so you don't think that labour is 100% opposed to goes. To what? To just goes in general. Because that would be the current rhetoric, is that labour doesn't like goes. Yeah.
And do you think a go is easier to acquire under a labour government? Because, you know, everyone needs to have a go in life. I just think that Scott Morrison makes it a bit easier, you know, those Ascot types with the weak jawlines who, you know, go to those types of schools. I think he makes it easier for them to go to these schools and to get goes, where I think it would be a fair assumption to say that under a labour government, it is easier to get a go and goes are more widespread.
We love giving goes away.
Okay. Yeah. Yep. Okay. Goes are very important. Okay. All right, sweet. Well, it's good.
It's good that everyone gets a go under both governments. Both major parties are willing to give a go to anyone.
Okay, we've crossed that bridge. Well, totally.
And, you know, I mean, coming from Batuta, you guys would know that young people in Batuta might not have as many opportunities to get a go as other people. So, you know, what goes in South East Queensland will not be the same as what goes in the Diamantina Shire.
Newsflash. Yeah, I know.
And it's good to see Labour's starting to see that. Now, we were once a safe Labour seat when, you know, we had Shearers out here that weren't Kiwi citizens. But now things have changed a lot and we've got, federally, we've got Little Proud and we've got Mr. Miller at a state level.
Can you tell me a little bit about the factions in politics now? Because you see different members of different parties in Queensland, in the One House of Queensland, and they all seem like they could be from different parties. You know, there's progressives in the LNP in Queensland who might look even like they're more closely aligned to you than they are to Deb. And then there's conservatives in your party. Do you find that it's hard to be an individual as well in state politics in Queensland?
Well, I think it's very interesting that we're having this discussion today, because obviously you've seen the news that the father of the LNP has been dumped from the LNP executive council, Lawrence Brimbrook. So, the bawl, he's gone. It's very sad.
But I do think that what that really indicates is that inside the LNP, and you would have seen their ill-fated leadership challenge that occurred just about a month ago, too, against Deb Recklington. So, what you have, I think, inside the LNP is a real internal tussle for authority within the party. Now, I think Deb exercised that authority, but I don't think she's actually fully delivered in terms of the organisation itself. So, I think within the LNP, what you have is a split between the organisational arm with the parliamentary party.
And also the LNP, let's be clear, there's no Liberals in Queensland anymore. There might be Liberals, traditional Liberals, but the LNP, that's all been all of those sort of Liberal Party people who did agree with environmental policy or did agree with social policy. Some of them recently voted to take abortion out of the criminal code, for example. They got persecuted by their own party for exercising a conscience and for being true, I think, to their liberal values. Yeah, I think what you see in Queensland is not the same as New South Wales, where there is a Liberal Party, or Victoria, where there is an actual Liberal Party. There are no more Liberals within Queensland. It's all been absorbed within the LNP. So, when do you think that change happened? There were people in the Queensland LNP who had died in the wall, you know, just true blue Aussie Liberals, you know, like Howard's Battlers.
And now they seem to be, you know, this collection of people who like to put a social issue before everything else. Oh, I think it's been, I don't think it's been on a set date. I think it has been evolving over a number of years.
But it's really clear that there are, you know, those within the LNP who are very rigid, very extreme in their views around how society should be structured and what role women should play, for example. And it's those people who are trying to muscle up and exercise a level of authority. And they're certainly the players that got stuck into Deb a little while ago.
So, do you find, like the personal freedoms that the Liberals once stood for, apart from when they took our guns away, they were quite big on, you know, the individual right and, you know, almost, I mean, a light libertarianism, that's all been kind of replaced by some sort of flat earth, a Christian creative science nonsense? A hundred percent. I think, well, I'm just putting it as it is.
I mean, what you do have in Queensland is people who are prepared, quite frankly, to, we have an LNP that wants to establish an anti-science task force in order to test out the scientific rigour of the CSIRO or departments within the state government agencies. They do not want to accept the science. So, if they can establish an anti-science agency, then they've got some background to their lunacy, some sort of, I think, you know, third party endorsement to their lunacy.
Do you think this has come out of their base? Are these people representative of the people who are electing them? Like, is that where the change could have happened? Like, do you think that these are the views of, you know, common Queenslanders who think that we do need to take a second look into the science behind the bleaching of the Great Barrier Reef? I think a vast majority of Australians actually do believe in the science. I think where the tension is, is how do we address the things that we need to in order to make sure that our economy thrives and everybody within the economy thrives and we protect the Great Barrier Reef or protect the environment? I just think it's a convenient and opportunistic excuse for a political party like the LNP to rather than engage in the hard work that's required, just blame the science or question the science. Can I ask you what your opinion was on the anti-Adani caravan, you know, that at the federal election, we saw a bunch of people from, you know, Victoria and New South Wales convoy up to central Queensland to basically tell them that they don't need jobs. They can basically go without this giant project that was going to inject millions of dollars into the local, state and federal economies. Do you think that was the right thing to do? Like, say, for example, if sort of Bob Brown coming into central Queensland and telling people how to think? So, Errol, after the federal election, I think it's fair to say that a lot of people were really confused and a lot of people were really sad and depressed about the outcome, quite frankly, because they thought that this was an election where we could get a national policy setting around climate change and we just failed, right? I think the convoy played a role in that, quite frankly. I did think the convoy, and I said this, I published on Facebook, my position around this, I don't think it did any good to have people from outside the state, outside local communities, driving into local communities and saying, and blaming them, saying, you're the reason for climate change, you have to, you're the ones who need to change and not looking at what they themselves are contributing. I mean, it is quite ironic, I think, that they were all in cars driving up to central Queensland to deliver a message around carbon emissions when they were contributing to carbon emissions through their convoy. And that sort of divisive politics is what's stopping us from advancing as a nation on climate change and on economic inclusion and equality. Yeah. Well, as we saw in the fallout of that election, a lot of people around the country who weren't pleased with the result, they were blaming Queensland. Do you think that they were right in doing that?
Or is this just another case of people around the country looking to Queensland as a whipping boy for something? So there was all of that angst directed to Queensland, I think, again, was I think it's just simplistic and it was opportunistic. There are real structural issues in terms of regional economies, and you guys would see it in Petuta, but it's happening everywhere, whether that's mining companies not building towns anymore, but just having FIFO workers and Dido workers. Communities are really suffering from a different way of doing business in regional Queensland and regional economies.
And that's creating a lot of anxiety and fear. For example, there's many large companies, many mining companies that put their workforce on contract labour. So they're not taking up any of the liability when it comes to proper wages and conditions and holiday pay and sick leave and all of that sort of stuff. So they're transferring that risk. And a lot of these workers are in insecure work. They're hired on casual rates. They don't get the type of proper leave arrangements and conditions and entitlements that most other Australians enjoy. And that's leading to a level of anxiety.
So by people in other states not actually understanding what's happening in regional Queensland and just simply blaming them for a particular outcome, I think it's rubbish. And one of the best analysis, I have to say, around what happened in Queensland during the last federal election was written by, I think it's Blaine Leek who wrote for The Monthly. And he did a really long essay and it was titled How Good is Queensland? And he went around and he talked to people in regional Queensland at depth, in depth around what they felt during the federal election. And I think it was really, I think it was really useful. There's a lot of concern out there and those concerns need to be understood if we're going to move forward.
I mean, you're also dealing with I mean, obviously, labour is an underdog in many capacity, even when they're in power, purely because of the third parties that are more aligned with the LNP or the Liberals. Namely, obviously, you've got the 70% of the Australian media market is owned by a man in New York who doesn't have much time for you or your movement. And then, of course, you've got Clive Palmer, who is throwing himself in the mix with no intention of ever getting elected.
And the Greens. And of course, the Greens who still have your votes.
But now we've got this funny scenario now where Anastasia Palaszczuk, who, after the federal election result, was put on the front page of a Murdoch newspaper in Queensland, where they put her in a crosshair and said, you're next. And she, in the face of all of that, and we are an apolitical organisation, but we have to say we are impressed by the fact that she's still polling better than Deb Frecklington. Do you have to say, like, what do you have to say about that? Is the LNP in Queensland that shit that they can't win with all the odds in their favour? I think that's testament to the type of strong leader that Anastasia is. I mean, in this business and there's evidence of this right across the board, you get attacked from every quarter and it doesn't, it's pretty, I think it's pretty rattling to wake up in the morning and see your face with a crosshair over the top, superimposed with that sort of messaging. That paper did publish an apology, but, you know, quite frankly, it was, it was outrageous and it should never have gotten through the editorial decision making. Anyway, so Anastasia stood up to that type of, I would say, intimidation. And here she is today and she's leading this state and she's done just the best job around the coronavirus. So I think more than anything, it's, it's a testament to the type of leader she is.
Yeah, because I think the front pages of the Courier Mail have really regressed a lot since, you know, those days where they used to put, what's his name, Peter Beattie. But that was probably a Courier Mail highlight was when Kevin announced Peter Beattie was running for a seat at the last Labor, Labor's outgoing election. And they put Peter Beattie in a full clown costume and said, bring in the clown.
That was, that was some good editorial work there. Also, Luke Foley, New South Wales, when they called him Luke Foliage and made him a koala on a tree because he was, he was trying to protect their sanctuaries in the mid-north coast. There's some good journalism out there.
Obviously, we make up part of that. We're not owned by Murdoch, but we have been critical of you, Jackie. We've referred to you as a modern day Russell Hinns.
And we've called the Queensland Premier, Joanna, which was all part of it when it came to the laws for arresting protesters. Now, how did you feel about that during those Extinction Rebellion protests when your own government was passing laws to, to lock up protesters? When we know once upon a time and, and probably very recently you were on the front line yourself protesting certain things in the street as a law abiding demonstrator. Do you, did you ever get arrested protesting against Joe? I didn't get arrested protesting against Joe. I'm just a little bit too young for Joe Bjorki-Petersen. Well, I will tell you, my first protest was against the Federal Labor Government, Hawke.
Oh, okay. Oh, and that was about the introduction of Hex. Hex, yeah. Yeah.
So you were right there with Joe Hawke. Although he was at the University of Sydney, wasn't he? To you and Joe Hawke fighting against the common cause. We're going to ask some more big questions, some hard hitting questions, but we'll, firstly, we'll give you a chance to humanise yourself as a politician and a member of the political class.
What is your favorite album?
Born to Run. Oh, okay.
What's your favorite Queensland album? My favorite Queensland album.
Oh God. Um, I'll have to come back to you on that. It's a great album named after the, uh, street you grew up on. I don't know. A Vulture Street. Oh yeah. Yeah, sorry. Yeah. But I also have the Go-Betweens bridge in my electorate as well. So, you know, there's a, there's a tension there. Okay.
And favorite movie.
Love Powder Finger.
You've got to, you're Queensland, you have to. Um, yeah.
Favorite movie?
Um, Albanese said The Godfather.
Uh, yes. That's a, that's a great movie. Um, uh, I always love watching Blindside. Okay. Is that, is that sappy? That's, yeah, no. That's a good one. Yeah. I like that.
Bit of football. A lot of parallels between that story and some of the happenings of the Brisbane Broncos of late. Now we're going to ask the big questions.
Now you've recently been investigated by the triple C, the, uh, Queensland version of ICAC, of which there is currently not an agency, um, similar to that federally, but there has been, uh, for years has been, one day there'll be a federal ICAC, but there's an ICAC in South Australia. There's an ICAC in New South Wales and there's the triple C in Queensland.
Now you've mentioned the culture wars a lot throughout this interview and, and the culture wars can be to blame for almost any political, uh, teacup storm. But can you, can you explain how you ended up in, uh, in the center of an investigation, uh, an independent, uh, corruption watchdog investigation? Independent. Um, so, uh, Clancy, a complaint was made and, um, the triple C assesses all complaints that are made to their organization. I want to put on the record that the triple C is a, is a body that's, that was formed out of the Fitzgerald inquiry. So it has a really, um, important role to play in making sure that corruption doesn't take hold in Queensland as it did once upon a time under the national party, uh, when they were in government for a long period of time. So a complaint was made, um, that complaint first came through, uh, the liberal national party opposition office, and they, uh, publicized that quite widely and sent the complaint through to the triple C. Uh, the triple C in their initial assessment decided they want to have, they wanted to have a better look at it and conducted an investigation. And that's how that happened. But essentially it was over the, uh, allegation that, um, I interfered in the, uh, recruitment or no, the selection, sorry, of a principal for a high school, uh, being built in my community. Uh, what the triple C found was that that was not the case.
I did not politically interfere unduly interfere. I had no, um, there was no intention, dishonest intention.
So it was quite a grueling episode, but, um, uh, the triple C found that I had been telling the truth from the outset. It was interesting when I heard that, when we learned that you had been referred to the triple C over the new Dutton park, uh, high rise South Brisbane high school, because I actually thought you'd be getting investigated for the fact that that high school had to demolish ribbits, which was a famous, all you can eat restaurant. Uh, now just a figment of history in, uh, South Brisbane, uh, due to this high school, I thought there'd be investigated.
That was my favorite restaurant. That was the first place I used to go to when I got out of Bogo road. I have to say that, um, in, during my time, I have had more representation about ribbits than I have about almost anything. It was a, it was a much, much loved restaurant, can I say.
And it's a shame that it, it, um, it's no longer there, but, uh, yeah, maybe it can be recreated in the sky alongside all the sizzlers, all the big salad bar in the sky, all the hogs breaths. They're all gone. They're all slowly going Queensland's going to be, there's just no hogs, fatality in Queensland anymore.
Just one last question before we let you go, Jackie, now that you've been cleared by the triple C. When are the people at Queensland going to see you back in cabinet this year, next year? No, look, ultimately that's in the hands of the people of South Brisbane and my caucus colleagues after the election.
But like I've got a, I've got a big challenge on my hand and that's what, on my hands and that's what I'm focused on. Um, South Brisbane is a, you know, it's a rapidly evolving, changing seat. And, um, my job is to put the best case forward for my return and the return of the Palaszczuk Labor government. And that's what I'm going to be focused on.
Can we just ask, um, what is that?
Is that a concern that some of the safe inner city labor seats will be lost to white men with dreadlocks? Look, there's no doubt that the seat has changed.
You know, like when I grew up here, it was a long time ago. I'm not going to tell you how long ago, you know, it wasn't the place to live. It wasn't suburbia. It was near the river. There were mosquitoes. There were lots of new migrants. It was, um, uh, you know, there was smelly wog food and stuff like that. So it wasn't the desirable place to live. Um, and there was a lot of industry, a lot of workers cottages, and now there is a significant gentrification.
And, um, it's a, it's a different conversation you need to have with people when they don't rely upon government and government intervention as much as they do. So you're saying that the people of West End and Highgate Hill are so entitled that they, uh, don't think you're green enough? That is not what I'm saying. That is definitely not what I'm saying.
And the other thing, the interesting dimension about coronavirus, and you opened by saying that JobKeeper is being extended. And, uh, we saw that JobSeeker is going to be extended today, but reduced. A lot of people in my community, regardless of what suburb in my community, they have been hit by COVID economic shutdown. And there's a lot of young workers who, um, who missed out on JobKeeper. They're on JobSeeker trying to get a foothold back into the economy.
So these are, these are the big issues that I'll be talking to my community about going forward into the election. Do you reckon Labor's going to play a much bigger role in Australian politics in the wake of this, um, this global pandemic? I absolutely think how the economy is shaped, that the fairness, the inclusion, the equality within the economy is going to be a key issue. You know, I've looked at some of the metrics around those people who are withdrawing their super last financial year, this financial year. I understand people's desperation, but it just is deferring the desperation or deferring a level of, um, of poverty or less income or less equality, more inequality during retirement. So I, you know, I do worry about those sorts of economic measures that the Commonwealth government has put forward. So I think Labor's got a big job ahead of it in terms of being part of the national debate around a fairer economy, around a more inclusive economy.
And, um, I absolutely think Albo and Jim Chalmers are up to it. Well, that's a good note to end on, Jackie. I'd just like to thank you for your time today.
And I look forward to catching up with you outside the Rumpus Room in West End, sooner rather than later. That's one venue that hasn't gentrified. They got rid of the vinyl floors at the Boundary Hotel, but, uh, You can't get rid of the big trees outside the Rumpus Room in West End.
Thank you for joining us. And, um, thank you for allowing us to lead you down certain traps, which you've managed to evade. Thank you for joining us. Thanks guys. |
dropout | jake_and_amir_s_tour_highlights_presented_by_schick | Hey, Jake here. Jake here too.
No. Why not?
We're excited to be going on tour for chick So excited in fact that we made this video of our fans taking the chick hydro challenge. Let's go to us Thanks Jake and Amir. So here we are with our barber Jason. You're ready to take the chick hydro challenge Which means I get to watch you guys shave yourself. Let's do it It is on with John. Let's make that beard be gone.
Oh my god. He's on fire I've never stood with two other dudes watching a third one shave. This is a unique opportunity. Get your hand off my shoe Okay, John's gonna do a handlebar mustache, right? Yeah name Dustin goatee, right? Wow, right? Wow, Dustin goatee. That was insane. Uh, yeah, so shave whatever you want.
We can use this thing. This is a Well, Jason knows what this is. Oh Oh It's fine. No, it does.
Um, it does hurt scared to do the bottom here. Don't be scared It's a chick run smooth. How's your face feel? It feels a little naked, but it feels good. Wonderful naked, but good That's the best two things you can be Silky smooth.
What do you prefer shaving with these chick razor or whatever razor you hugely use? Obviously the chick razor That is obvious.
Oh, are we rolling? Oh My god, whoop or real Alright Dustin, this is yours. Thank you so much for shaving with a chick hydro and we'll see you tonight. Bring your goatee Bring your goatee. You should put him in his goatee on the list. Perfect. So don't pay Wow, that was some powerful powerful chick. Yeah, let's check out some highlights from the tour. You can almost say chick got real Yeah, let's not though Okay I love you too Nobody said they loved you Streeter side down You're bad at this like I wish you had someone out I wish I never broke up with Eric Eric's her ex-boyfriend is the soccer player is pretty cool like that It's just like I don't need the commentary lady You need one Oh worse Usually get a little fat person injuries the worst one I ever got is I cut The webbing between my fingers right here because I was digging too low in a peanut butter jar Thanks so much to everybody who took the chick hydro challenge and thank you Jake And who would you like to thank the fans? And I appreciate it |
cracked | 5_people_who_need_to_put_down_their_f_ing_camera_the_spit_take | Hello the internet, and welcome to another spit take. My name is Jack O'Brien. I'm the Editor-in-Chief of Cracked, and today's episode is brought to you by the letters P and F for put the phone down and f***ing run already. Together they make the sound these people cause in my soul.
There was a time not long ago when movies had to lie to make humans look easy to kill. Characters would stop running from certain death to turn around and scream at it, or try out the, uh, this one's taken gambit at the worst possible moment. When in reality billions of years of evolution programmed us for self-preservation. Prior to recent years, internet videos seemed to prove that not only did our two shit just got real speeds work, they rhymed. Quick side note, yes, that baby appears to be mind-controlling his dad into running his little marshmallow baby legs like a biological Hodor, and I wouldn't be doing my job if I didn't show it to you, but sadly, it's the only evidence of a third fight or flight or baby-warg option. The internet is, however, lousy with evidence of a much less promising third speed. Evidence that we are now in a doomed evolutionary age of fight or flight, or pointing our camera and sleepwalking towards the most dangerous thing you've ever seen in person.
Dude, that is seriously gonna hit us! Dude, where'd we go? No filter! Alright, let's ease you in with a video in which the cameraman behaves like your standard movie character and actually realizes his life is in danger. Yes, the realization comes about 40 seconds too late, and his reaction is to laugh as though death himself is tickling it. Man, I just will never get the Russian sense of humor. We are vacuating the plane. Oh my god. Alright, onto the hard stuff. Behavior too stupid, not just for movie characters, but for the whole genre of PSAs that exist strictly to warn that texting and driving are not compatible activities. For the first time in human history, the PSAs are overestimating our intelligence.
Is it no longer possible to have an experience without recording it? Like does this girl think the airplane crash she just survived will disappear from her memory if she doesn't have footage of herself as she escapes? I wish I could pinpoint the moment when we as a species decided we're all starring in our own movie and nothing around us is real.
From the looks of this next video, my best educated guess is Backdraft. When these bros heard that San Diego was awash in wildfires, they hopped in the whip to get a little look-see. How bad could it be?
Wow, there it is right there. There it is right there.
Personally, I'd avoid going to Mordor altogether and staying not Mordor, but that's just me. Just so we're clear, they're not in the backseat of a taxi or the worst Disney ride ever. The girl on the right is driving a moving car, taking both hands off the wheel for five excruciating seconds while looking straight at the camera, then to her right, then shutting her eyes altogether because f**k it. Don't worry, they're fine.
And now for a young man so flagrantly irresponsible as to render that phrase completely irrelevant by creating a video that only worries me by not ending with some manner of catastrophic injury. Warning, the intensity with which you're going to want to roll your eyes by the end of this video will sprain your eyeball cords. I will provide a rough translation. Sabrah me ama res treverer or skylar or some s**t. Oh no, just the dangerous situation that makes me orgasm. Now I will nearly kill a poor truck driver and display the series of facial tics that accompany the soupy pleasure that is the only orgasm I know. Now the s**t eating grin at the end is enough to make you lose sleep until you realize that the babies who battle illness and malnutrition only to lose their chance at the precious gift of life will haunt his dreams forever. I'll crack you later. Thanks for crackin'! |
SaturdayNightLive | zagat_s_with_hank_beverly_gelfand_anniversary_snl | Zagatz, with your hosts, Hank and Beverly Gelfand. Hello, and welcome to Zagatz. I'm Bev Gelfand, and this is my husband, Hank.
What do you want? Hank and I are celebrating our 35th wedding anniversary tonight, and we're very excited, Hank and I. No! we're going out to dinner for the occasion, but we can't decide where to go. Do you know where you want to go, Hank? go away.
Well, maybe we can all find a place in our Zagatz New York Restaurant Guide. let's take a look together. Dear God, here we go. Oh, here's one. it's called Patty's Place on 12th Street. there's an Art deco interior, and the international cuisine. that sounds like a lot of fun. my father said get married. he should rot in his grave. How about Mario's restaurant? mini pizzas and delish desserts make this Italian eatery a must. ravioli? Holy cannoli. day and night, she talks. each word more useless than the next. The City Steakhouse serves the best beef in town. their central setting will set the mood for any romantic rendezvous. Oh, hear that, Hank? give me cancer now, God. southern fare at Charlie's. there's fried chicken and first-rate service. So come on down, y'all. you hear? Hank and I have decided to spend a nice, quiet evening at home. isn't that right, Hank? the book is gone, but the mouth goes on. since we're staying at home, maybe we can watch some television. let's find a show to watch in our P.v. Guide. Just when I thought I was out, she chags me back in. here's one.
Murder, she wrote. here's one. Murder, she wrote. Jessica investigates a suspicious Hollywood murder and exposes the real killer.
Oh, I just love her. she's so smart. see if there's a program about shutting the hell up. Surprise. Oh, heavens to Betsy. Hi, Beverly. Hi, Hank. heavens to Betsy. it's my sister, Pauline. what in heavens are you doing here?
Well, I knew you and Hank would be celebrating your 35th wedding anniversary, knock Wood, so I thought I'd stop by with the present. Oh, you shouldn't have. isn't that nice, Hank? look at how pretty it is. please, let it be a gun. Perfect. Look, Hank.
Pauline brought us the Agate's restaurant guide. we used to have one, but Hank misplaced it. Oh, wait till you see, sis. they've got the greatest restaurants in there. I'm in the middle of a moron sandwich. Here, look. The Oyster Club for the best clam chowder in town, All aboard for fine fish cuisine. yummy. Oh, let me take a look. Oh, look, the Cajun Club for catfish and gumbo galore. Mardi Gras, every night you'll dance the delight. oh, that rhymes. that rhymes, doesn't it, Hank? come here. I've got stupid in stereo. sleeping pills, my only friend. Oh, here, my turn. care for Chinese food? try Uncle Chang's. they've got the best egg rolls in town. And don't forget the dumplings. don't worry, I never do. Oh, here's a place. let's see. Oh, Sullivan's for Irish food and fun. the fish and chips are fabulous. don't you fill up on the soda. this has been Zagat's. good.
Hank is never going to get there. |
dropout | what_we_do_to_avoid_our_exes | Ninety-two, ninety-three, ninety-four, ninety-five, ninety-six. I mean, whatever. Anybody can call themselves a foodie. Okay, but all I know is he could list a lot of restaurants.
Oh, do you guys want to go get brunch on Sunday at Fat Cat? Uh, I can't do Fat Cat, guys. Remember my ex, Becca? She works there now. Oh, you love Fat Cat.
I know, I'm sorry, guys. I can't believe she's still controlling my life. No, dude, it's okay. You know what? You have to forgive yourself. Thank you.
What about Tall Cat? I do Tall Cat. Oh, the Tall Cat on Hillhurst or the Tall Cat on State?
State? I can't do State.
Remember Steve that I dated in April works in the Papyrus right across the street? Like, you can literally see directly into it. I just don't want to make any kind of weird, awkward eye contact by mistake. No, that makes sense. Brunch should be a safe space. We'll just go to the one on Hillhurst. I can't do Hillhurst. Bill lives two blocks away. I know, it's crazy, but I super don't want to run into him. Yeah, that makes sense.
Bill's a piece of shit. I fucking hate that guy. He can suck a bag of dicks.
Thanks, guys. Oh, what about that new place right by Zach? Oh, Ginger Cat? Yeah. No, sorry, guys.
I saw someone who looked exactly like Beth there yesterday. Freaked me out so much, it just moved house immediately. Just like left all my stuff there and everything. Oh, I liked Beth. Yeah, we all did.
Sometimes I guess it just doesn't work out, right? Scaredy Cat? I know I am. I just can't go back there. No, no, I meant the ramen place in the valley. Scaredy Cat. I can't go there. Jeremy died in a fire there two years ago, and he's like still haunting it.
Oh my God, that is so awkward. So awkward.
Plus, I don't want to go all the way out to the valley. Yeah, it's hard to get to. Yeah, it's far.
How about KitKat? That place that only serves KitKats? No, no. Every time I eat a KitKat, I get a text from Rachel. You know that psychic I dated who really liked KitKats?
Poke Cat. I can't go to Poke Cat. Three of my exes live in the same city as Poke Cat.
That makes sense. Oh, wait, this city? Yeah, I only eat at home or at work. I get here through a series of tunnels I discovered.
How about Moon Cat? It's that place on the moon. Ooh, the moon. I actually used to date Hecate, the Greek goddess of the moon.
I went through this phase in college where I only dated, sorry, fucked, minor deities. So anyways, that's totally off the list. Head Cat, it's the place that only exists in your imagination. No, no, no, no, no, no, no. My ex-imaginary girlfriend, Steve, he super owns that place with her dick fiance, Dave. She used to be so hot. Oh, fuck, she's still hot. God damn it. Wait, Stevie is your ex-imaginary girlfriend? Dave is my ex-imaginary boyfriend. No. This is crazy.
We should combine forces to destroy them. We totally should. That does not help us choose a brunch spot.
Magic Cat. Pablo. Mom Cat. Dennis. Devil Cat. Anastasia.
Obviously. Four-way Skype from home. Yeah! Hello, I'm Siobhan from College Humor. |
cracked | the_ultimate_men_s_fantasy_hotline_isn_t_what_you_think | Late night. Can't sleep.
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You're tired of PC culture, and you long for a simpler time. We won't make you cope with change because you're a hero. Your wife will have sex with you. Your boss will promote you. Your kids will stop making fun of your car. You are a good guy.
Call man's Ultimate Fantasy Hotline today. Ask about our other fantasies, like telling your daughter's boyfriend off or bear-proofing your campsite in the woods. You got me!
Hey guys, thanks for watching that. Hey, did you know that monogamous sexual relationships are actually a recent development in human history? I know that's the sort of thing you'd typically hear from a 50-year-old guy with a ponytail who thinks all naked bodies are beautiful, but as someone who finds the naked human body gross and repellent in most of its forms, I'm here to tell you that science and sociology and history surrounding sex are actually really interesting, even to a person who's never been to an orgy. Anyways, that's not just the more-you-know-style public service announcement. It's what our live podcast is about this month. So Saturday, February 11th, 7 p.m., me and Michael Swam, Teresa Lee, are going to be talking to Dr. Christopher Ryan, who wrote a fascinating book about what sex was like a long, long time ago, when humans were just starting to, you know, tickets are $7. They usually sell it pretty quickly, so click on the link somewhere on your screen now, if that sounds interesting to you. |
dropout | here_s_why_you_probably_shouldn_t_try_something_called_the_dream_eater | What was that? Oh, it's five-hour energy, which you look like you could use. And it's extra strength. Ooh. Ha! Extra strength. I bet I've got something stronger.
Oh, some would call it dark matter. Still others, the energy drink from beyond space-time. Flux water. Liquid light speed. The grimace of dark, dark, dark, dark.
The coast of the moon. Of course. Voila.
So what is it, exactly? Nobody knows. My cousin, who bought it in Chinatown, in Amsterdam, asked the man who sold it to him to speak his true name, and he wept. Right, but what does the label say? There is no label. Okay, well, I don't think you should drink something with no label.
And he's drinking it anyway. Okay, well, I guess moot point. Cheers. It's really good. Yeah.
Jimmy Hodge. Is he all right? I don't know. Jimmy, Jimmy. Jeremy. Jimmy.
That's incredible. That's great. I could try that for a hundred years. There's no way I would get another peanut in his mouth. That's true. It is great, though. I'm not crazy, right?
This is delicious. Yeah, it tastes great. And it's extra strength. Great tasting, great.
Extra strength, I mean. You don't think the peanut's blocking his windpipe, do you? I think that's what I mean. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, extra strength. Oh.
And look who it is. And I've seen the face of eternity. And it is full of cruel laughter.
Hey, you want one of these? Yeah. Ooh, yeah, that's good. I know, right? Look out for the folks, he's gonna stick your gems. |
cracked | the_dark_truth_behind_the_most_famous_cartoon_company_ever_today_s_topic | Hey, you ever read our article about 90s cartoons? It's like asking if I ever saw the movie with the zombies in it. The one with the pinky and the brain entry. I think we missed some good stuff there.
The gist of the article is that in the intro sequence, when it says, One is a genius, the other's insane. We could be referring to pinky as the genius and brain as the insane one. Did not real life genius Albert Einstein say that the definition of insanity is trying the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result?
What do you want to do tonight? The same thing we do every night, pinky.
I'm not sure I buy pinky as a genius. As Jerry Lewis converted to mouse form, maybe. He stops brain from taking over the world, doesn't he? The structure of every episode is pinky tells brain why his idea is bad, brain does it anyway, and it fails. Plus, there are episodes that show that pinky can read, while brain can barely write his own name. But what's bugging me is where did they come from in the first place? Why were these super smart mice created?
Acme Labs, right? Experiment. Yes, exactly. Acme Labs. You see it in the intro sequence. Now remember, this is the same company that supplies wily coyote. We're talking fringe, dangerous science. And you see the Warner siblings hanging out at the labs in the intro sequence.
And did you know Brain's name is an acronym? For what? Biological Recombinant Algorithmic Intelligence Nexus. Basically genetically modified mouse, but pinky and the goom didn't make for a catchy theme song. And it's not just the mice. Think about all the other Animaniac segments. Okay, but only because I was going to do that anyway. All right, you got hippos living as human beings, a dog that's smarter than the baby it's constantly endangering, pigeons capable of operating an organized crime syndicate, a six foot chicken clearly trying to infiltrate human society. And what the fuck are the Animaniacs?
Are they dogs? Are they dogs crossbred with reindeer?
Exactly. I think they're all genetic mutants bred by Acme. That's the unspoken conspiracy here.
All the humanoid animals that we enjoyed, we thought they were just funny cartoons. But we never stopped to think, where did they come from? How did they get so smart?
And if working here has taught me anything, it is that everything I loved as a child is actually terrifying. So I believe that from day one, Acme has been tampering with genetics to breed amusing animal, human, mutant hybrids at the behest of Warner Brothers Entertainment Division. And the Warner siblings, they got locked in the water tower because they were one of the program's rare failures. So was Brain. So they had to make Pinky to keep him under control. That would explain why a movie studio has to employ a mad scientist.
Technically, he's a psychiatrist. Technically, he's a pee psychiatrist.
Man, I missed that show. And what happened to Freakazoid, huh?
What is Paul Rugg doing now? That's what we should be concentrating on. Maybe we could get him to do a column or something. Are you even listening?
This is some heavy accusatory shit that I'm throwing out here. Right, about cartoons. I mean, no matter what you say, none of this stuff actually happened. Oh, oh my god. You forgot the cartoons aren't real, didn't you?
Hey, we all work hard for the site and- You did? You did? You got your head down working and- Hey, everybody.
Everybody gather around. This is great. Scarf.
That is Thundercats, you fucking poser. I meant- Out. I meant, no, I meant, no. Roll sound. Hey, you. Yeah, you.
You know what would really make me happy? Like, just the happiest is if you could click subscribe. Yeah, you'd like it. You know you'd like it. I'd like it. So if you could do me just this great big favor, I'll be your best friend forever. Please. |
dropout | the_six_girls_you_ll_date_in_college | This is you in college, and these are the six girls you'll date in college.
Were you ever good at sports? We don't know, but the daily 4 a.m. burritos haven't helped. You okay?
She looks better in track shorts than literally anything else. Come on, baby. You can do it. Ten more years till touchdown! However, no matter what the activity, you'll always end up the same way.
Weezing, doughy, and begging her to slow down. You hate places like this. Never mind.
You love places like this. I love places like this.
Your friend's a promoter, or DJ, whichever is cooler. You're funny.
Is there a non-alphabetical difference between E and X? Cut to six weeks later.
You're out of money, too tired, and have no idea what your pants are made of. Wake up.
I know the bouncer at Pearl Labs. You wouldn't give up this nap for all the coked-up sex in the world. Happy dinosaur riding. Face it. You're a nice guy. Did you drink all those beers? But to her, you're James Dean with Wolverine claws. It's fun to play the crazy guy.
But there's no crazy like real repressed crazy. Not tonight? No.
Fine. The worst part? She's still going to wake you up for 8 a.m. mass. This is it. The perfect ten.
What years of television, print advertising, and internet porn have taught you you will- Maybe. You're not using the couple's wallpaper I gave you. Why you? She saw a Wes Anderson trailer once and thinks you're quirky. Who cares? Look at her. How long will it last? What's your talents for crippling insecurities and Kesha? You watch Team Mom without me? You're just like my dad. You'll keep a picture of her to show to friends.
She will not. She's the only girl who can beat you in Mario Kart. She's the only girl who will play you in Mario Kart. You drive like my floppy vagina.
Shut up. Relaxed. Comfortable.
Always by your side. It's like dating your hoodie. But who in their right mind would want to fuck their hoodie?
She's funny. Smart. Beautiful.
And all you're doing is wondering what she's doing there with you. Is everything okay?
Be confident. You're not going to mess this up. You won't mess this up.
How did you mess this up? We can still be friends, right? You were too afraid of messing things up. And that messed things up.
Maybe that's irony. Don't look at us. You're the one with a liberal arts degree. That was college.
Time to move out, get a job, and spend your days watching internet videos. Maybe you'll even get a real girlfriend. |
cracked | everything_crazy_happening_at_the_rnc_so_far | Hello and welcome to the first installment of crack's first ever news show the only news show on earth covering the same breaking story Over and over again every single night humanity not doomed after all Sorry for the mix-up. I'm sore and buoy and in the traditional elegant dead way since I'll be your anchor welcome aboard. This is topical cure Now where most news broadcasts hinge on fear-mongering Hollow-terror and generally convincing everyone that we live in dangerous unprecedented times We are boldly willing to take the opposite stance and bravely say Nah, what better place to start our show than at the very watering hole of doomsday hyperbole the Republican National Convention So that means I'm gonna be focusing mostly kind of on this area tonight And also kind of this one too because apparently that's where the bad guys bases now we watched every single minute of the Republican National Convention feed so far because Why would you and what we discovered was well first of all we found Waldo and after that there was let's see a squashed Rebellion that teetered on all-out chaos an army of extremists shouting to lock Hillary in a cage an excruciating account of war from two Soldiers a bearded zealot in a bandana a cow is slaughtered and then finally Trump emerged from smoke and shadows to whisper about winning big against some ill-defined horror A real cow. It's been very exciting You know now that I think about it. I might be confusing some of that with apocalypse now damn I get why newscasters rely on doomsday It's so easy, but for those of you whose exposure to the RNC is limited exclusively to whatever has been trending on social media You've probably only heard that first lady pageant contestant Melania Trump plagiarized portions of the speech She gave on night one of the convention specifically She stole sections that were about putting in hard work keeping promises and treating people with respect According to who you talked to Melania took these passages from either Michelle Obama speech in 2008 You work hard for what you want your word is your bond that your word is your bond or a my little pony character named Twilight Sparkle Twilight Sparkle speaking Presumably about how awesome it was when she transformed from a regular unicorn into a pegasus slash unicorn hybrid and then became princess of the castle of friendship it was It was a really powerful episode. So that means that after roughly I don't know like 900 hours of convention action that included a soap opera star calling the current president a Muslim Chris Christie doing a modified rendition of the crucible where everyone got to pretend like Hillary Clinton was a real live witch and then Trump plagiarism Scandal jr. And oh, yeah. Hey gee Smith was there to plagiarism still dominated social media and the news and I mean why wouldn't it attractive famous person does dumb thing is the media's second favorite genre of news Right after animal makes friends with other smaller animal plagiarism is also the kind of thing that specifically members of the media they love to get all up in arms about because plagiarism is widely important in the world of journalism even if Its impacts are rarely if ever felt by the average American citizen.
It's also a moment That's easy to get your head around and laugh about but it's pulling focus away from the more nuanced and less sexy moments from the week's convention Which from gavel to gavel was exclusively about generating fear political conventions are supposed to be pep rallies meant to embrace unity to show strength And provide a safe space for white people over 50 today It's like no one is watching but if the Republicans had just one message to convey it would be that you Yes, you are not safe. Every single speaker on stage wanted to remind you that you are constantly in danger from terrorists Outside of our borders in the dark place from illegal immigrants sneaking in through our borders our enemies defy us Our country has no borders and from the current administration and the candidate it endorses who are literally murdering your children Either through their incompetence or maybe on purpose. It's it's not totally clear This did not happen by accident It happened by design It is the work of a Brock Obama and the architect of his failed foreign policy Hillary Clinton a vote for Hillary is putting all of our children's lives at risks. It uh It got a lot of hand The stated thesis of the first night was make America safe again But the implied message was the Democrats want to open the back door to America for illegal immigrants and Islamic terrorists when no one is Looking like as a goof The only things that came out of Monday resembling actual platforms were that immigrants shouldn't be allowed in Muslims should be kicked out and black People just need to cool off for a minute now If Mexicans Muslims and African Americans are literally fighting over who gets your bedroom after they take turns murdering you then Yeah, these sound like pretty sensible positions And it's easy to give in a sensation that your corner that America has never ever been this unsafe But that's only because objective fact never got a chance on the mic that night So let's talk about crime first the sense of safety that many of us once took for granted Has been shattered according to the FBI violent crime in America is at a 40-year low with violent crime dropping by 51% since 1991 Homicide rate battery and child abuse have all been on a steady decline in America Also, even with that tragedy in Benghazi and it is a tragedy the rate of people dying in armed conflicts is nearing historic lows The week actually describes us as unusually safe right now because the overall amount of warfare has fallen significantly in our lifetimes Now that's hard to remember when all you're hearing is radical Jihadists are killing Americans as much as I hate to disagree with Republican reality show star one of seven about radical Islam fewer than a hundred Americans have been killed by jihadist terrorists since 9-11 on American soil More people were killed by cars in that time period.
Oh, I'm sorry. Did I say cars?
I think cows On to immigration When the RNC was in full trunk swing There was a heart-wrenching parade of grief portion of the convention where the GOP went through the tragic deaths of three Americans at the hands of illegal immigrants It was it was sad and created the sense that there might be a Mexican breaking into your mom's house right now But the truth is that the total number of undocumented residents has fallen by over a million since 2008 and the number of Mexicans crossing the Mexican border has been in decline since 2000 Most illegal immigrants are people who came here legally and then just overstayed their visas And if we're talking specifically about the rapists and murderers that Trump promised that Mexico was mailing to us The Wall Street Journal reported that studies going back for more than a century say that immigrants regardless of nationality or legal status are actually less likely than the native population to commit violent crimes and Without exception incarceration rates among young men are lowest for immigrants than anyone else now I know I know it would be much more exciting if the world were ending and we could all just start picking out our cars for the Mad Max apocalypse, but The much less sexy truth is that our military is strong There are fewer wars and the streets are safer today than ever before The path we're on is in Fury Road It's goddamn Sesame Street and I could rattle off some more stats about how well things are going But it's easier to just let the RNC speakers from day two do it instead The theme of day two was make American work again day But according to the delegates on the floor, everything's good mission accomplished. Don't don't touch anything The great state of Indiana has a two billion dollar surplus We're open for business and growing jobs and manufacturing and high-tech And it was even sort of sweet to see all those states dance and then brag about their current prosperity home of 10,000 lakes Home of spam. We got the best duck hunting on earth. We're number one in rice production We raised delicious catfish.
Mr. Chairman, I come from the land where we manufacture Pez all before lamenting that this whole country faces imminent Obama Geddon sometimes even in the same breath if you like the last eight years Then Hillary will give you double for your trouble But good things are happening in the states Unemployment is the lowest in the recorded history of Arkansas Not that I'm blaming them You know the idea that the last guy turned our country into a corroded urinal cake is political tradition That's the point of these conventions The danger is getting too specific about the threats because actual data rarely backs it up and the worst part is Nobody ever tells us that no news anchor wants to go on TV and report It's just in everything's fine today You know except this show I guess so It's just in everything's fine today Look my point is I get it It's way easier to appeal to voters when they are sorely upset about the opposition Obama got to do that eight years ago with his change campaign But the truth is that things aren't so bad right now. We're doing okay So and this goes for both sides Stop talking about the last eight years and tell us about the next four Nobody wins a job interview exclusively by on the last guy No matter how much of a fuck up they were how long he dated your sister. Yeah I know it was a long time ago Daryl.
I don't care. You're dead to me Anyway, this has been a thing I think we're done Hi, thank you for watching topical cure our brand new news show Make sure to tune in on Friday as well for another episode about the RNC Bye |
dropout | bailmitting_making_plans_knowing_you_re_gonna_bail | College Humor's New Words This week's word is bail mitting. Bail mitting results from extreme selfishness, social anxiety, pathology, or in rare cases an impressively shitty mixture of all three. Here's how it works. One kind and thoughtful person, the inviter, asks another much, much worse person, the invitee, if they would like to attend a gathering. Because they're emotionally stunted cowards who can't handle even the slightest whiff of confrontation, the invitee agrees. Usually with an exclamatory, sure I'll come or, oh man that sounds great. The inviter's heart is filled with delight. But the douche nozzle invitee, incapable of empathy, spares no time in logging every possible excuse as preparation for the inevitable bail. Fuckface Invitees will catalog claims like I double booked, I'm not feeling well, I've got a family emergency, my aunt's in town and I forgot until just now, I triple booked, I think my aunt may be in town, I have a job interview and you know what, you're not gonna believe this, I think I just saw my aunt, is that her? I'm gonna wave and, oh she's waving back, it is on Sue, it's so funny how she never tells me she's coming to town, but she's here tonight so I should probably get dinner with her. While bail mitting is most often associated with birthday party or wedding invites, one may also bail mitt to sporting matches, business meetings, nights, out or in, trips to Six Flags, which I specifically got a fucking Chevy Tahoe for Michael, because you said there would be six of us, and etc. To spot a bail mitter, look for individuals with expensive television packages like my douchebag friend Michael, and a startlingly low number of friends, synonyms include shitty friending, shit heading, worst person, and solo dying, a less popular term for, dying completely and utterly alone Michael, you know what I mean, when you make a fucking commitment to Six Flags, you come, you come, oh a nice guitar, idiot. |
Wizards_with_Guns | how_to_draw_the_perfect_bath | Hello! I have the towers! Please don't come in. What? I could not hear you. I'm actually not wearing anything. I leave them here and I am gone.
Yes, could you please... The bears. It's looking a bit shallow. No? I don't think... Can I interest you in some fresh lavender to compliment the bear? No, thank you.
When? Perfect. Now a little bit of this. No, really, I'm fine. And a dash of this.
Why are you... And let's see what we have here. What are you...
Please leave. Scrape the tip of my penis with that. It's missing something. I've got to leave. I'm naked.
Jean-Claude! Yes, Chef. Stare for me. Of course, Chef.
Remind me to call Pierre about an order of salt. Bath salt. Not bath salts. You'd be surprised what Pierre can get his little hands on.
Excuse me, Mr. Chef, sir. Are you doing this for me? Or are you doing this for you?
The perfect bath. What? The perfect bath!
The theory has never been achieved. That it's impossible. Impossible.
Legend says that Ponce de Leon came to the New World searching for such perfection. But he was disappointed to only find the fountain of youth. Many have tried to create the perfect bath.
My father died trying. Just like his father before him. And so will I. Okay.
Something still isn't right. Is it the human remains? Maybe it's not the bath. Maybe it's the man!
Get out. What? Can I at least get a towel? I said get out! Wait, wait, wait.
You haven't even tried it again. It's really good. You tried it? Yeah. You weren't looking. And it was good? Yes. Please! I will be the judge of that. Is it... How is it? Chat? You've been in this, didn't you? Thank you. Yeah, at the beginning. |
SaturdayNightLive | please_don_t_destroy_election_night_snl | Maybe a sketch about them midterms. Oh, what are the midterms?
I don't know. I'm not sure at all. Hey guys, Molly. hey, do you guys know anything about politics? uh, why you need help writing a sketch?
No, no, no, sir. something. Bet something very bad has happened. What's going on? Look, in a shocking upset victory, your new Attorney General of Ohio is political newcomer Molly Carney. Oh no! Oh My. God! I don't want to be Eternal General!
How did this happen? for a look at how it all started, we go to our political correspondent, Steve Kornacki. Steve Kornacki! Well, thanks Mike. Well, from our weekend down, the campaign all began with a viral tweet. Oh my God Quote,: I low-key feel like I'd make a good Ohio Attorney General Lmao hashtag in my feelings. I gotta stop tweeting drunk. this is just an unprecedented win for the 30 year old Snl background extra. come on, man.
I'm on the cash. don't you have to be like a lawyer to do this? Have you passed the bar? Brother, I don't pass the bar. I only go in.
What? was that a joke? You know what? this is all gonna be okay. we have some time to figure it out. In just 20 minutes. we'll be hearing Carney's big speech. speech? Oh, no. okay guys, I think I know what we gotta do. This election is a tough meeting! No, we can help you. really? yeah, we'll be your chiefs of Staff. Yeah, what do we gotta do now?
First things first,: you gotta get a new look. What? I like my look. get real. you look like a little league umpire. You're right. he's gonna give you the full C-span now. Are people gonna like this? I look like a Lego guy. Exactly. And we got you a new camera ready! Christian Family Oh, I don't need We're so proud of you, Honey. Well, hello, Mrs. Carney. Looking good, you guys. don't you f**k this up for me. Molly, you're gonna want to see this. Is this.
Really who Ohio deserves? Brother, I don't pass the bar. I only go in. Molly Carney is a dilution alcoholic and a nearly 40 year old Snl stage head. I'm on the cast! So we're just five minutes away now from the big speech, And according to Ohio law, if that speech is bad, Molly will be sent straight to jail. Jail? What will you throw off? we need a platform.
What's something you believe in? I believe in the God Love. No, like, what do you think of the death Penalty? it's a good title for a movie. we just need one.
Real policy. Every day is Christmas. that would never work, you dumb son of a b**ch. Because Christmas wouldn't be a special that way. Are Ags even involved in policymaking?
Lucas out now. Security. You have your truck. but don't look at that. it's time for Molly's speech. Uh, I'm here. Time's up, Molly, America's watching. You got this. come on, you got it. Well, I just want to say that I may not have a law degree, but what I do have is a real big heart. Ohio, let's do this thing.
Molly went on to be the worst Attorney General Ohio ever saw. They were immediately forced to resign and return to their old job being a cast member on Saturday Night Live. |
cracked | the_year_in_douchebaggery_the_news_on_cracked_12_27_07 | It's the end of the year 2007, and this is the News on Cracked. I'm Lex Friedman, and this call may be recorded for quality assurance purposes. Realistically, it probably won't be, though. And now, my friends, it's time for the crack.com year in Douchebaggery. It's the week in Douchebaggery. Yeah, we didn't update the jingle from the week thing.
Douchebag number ten, Sylvia Brown. The so-called television psychic made a prediction back in 2003 on the Montel Williams show that Sean Hornbeck had been murdered by his dreadlocked Hispanic kidnapper. Early this year, of course, Sean was found, most distinctly, un-murdered, and his kidnapper seemed very un-Hispanic and un-dreadlocked, too. Sylvia's never apologized to the Hornbeck family, of course, and I bet she didn't predict this on Montel. Hey, Sylvia Brown, you're a Douchebag.
Douchebag number nine, Chuck Norris. Just this month, he filed suit over a book loaded with pretend Chuck Norris facts. What a dick. Let's be honest here. If it wasn't for the popularity of these facts, Norris would still be shilling for Bowflex and passionately campaigning for a full-length Walker Texas Ranger movie. Chuck Norris facts brought Chuckie back into the public spotlight, and now this a-hole is suing? In light of this, we've got a few new Norris facts we'd like to add to the paperback edition of that Chuck Norris facts book. Chuck Norris facts.
Chuck Norris doesn't need a toolkit to make repairs around the house because he's enough of a massive tool himself to handle any job. Chuck Norris hasn't made a decent movie in... No, Chuck Morris has never made a decent movie. Chuck Norris doesn't have a chin under his beard, or a heart, or a soul. When Chuck Norris does push-ups, he doesn't push the earth down.
He just sues the people that made him relevant again because he's a Douchebag. Douchebag number eight, Andrew Myers.
He's the misguided protester who gave the first performance of the instant classic line, Don't tase me, bro. University of Florida police officers inform Myers that he would be tased if he didn't settle down. Then they did in fact tase him when he wouldn't settle down.
So his immortal utterance now adorns t-shirts because it's funny, quirky, and in the public domain. But what does it really mean?
It's an admission by a jackass who got himself into deep shit that he was willing to do anything possible to avoid the consequences. That's not political commentary. That's just cowardice. Don't tase me, bro. Really means I'm a Douchebag.
Douchebag number seven, Microsoft. Back in February, they launched the brand-spanking new Windows Vista operating system, which boasted huge memory and processor requirements to take advantage of all its flashy new features that nobody wants. Everyone and their mother has at this point downgraded back to XP, and frankly, your mother uses a Mac for Christ's sake.
We were going to dog Bill Gates about this one, but he's getting some commendable charity work done. So instead, we're going to give him a quick puff piece courtesy of our internet correspondent, I. Justine. Justine, tell us all about Bill Gates. Thanks, Lex. Bill was born in 1903 to a train conductor and a philatelist. Look it up. In 1956, he invented the personal computer, and by 1962, he was the world's first internet billionaire. Bill Gates can kill a bear with his bare hands and often does so for sport.
He once chopped down a cherry tree and then ate the whole damn thing. He's addicted to painkillers and allergic to cinnamon, which is a problem because his breakfast cereal of choice is always Cinnamon Toast Crunch laced with codeine.
In 2007, Bill invented the Zune. And revolutionized the music industry and becoming very close with Amy Winehouse. They are now lovers. PS. The next version of the Zune has an all-new DRM that is totally awesome.
Douchebag number six, evangelist Dr. James Dobson. He's urging his fellow Christians to ignore global warming so that they can focus on opposing gay marriage and encouraging sexual abstinence unsuccessfully. In keeping with Dobson's interpretation of the Bible.
Meanwhile, warming ocean waters have led to a global population explosion of jellyfish. And this is true. That jellyfish explosion has wiped out Ireland's only salmon farm and enveloped Japan in an ocean of slime.
Dr. Dobson, of course, just continues to beat his dog. Literally. As he documents in his book, Dare to Discipline.
As you might have heard, it turns out that the Falcons' quarterback was into dogfighting. Now he's in prison, and he's about to reach a whole new level of understanding for cockfighting. It's sort of like fencing, if fencing were man-on-man rape. But making dogs fight and killing them is douchebag-ish. Douchebag number two, it's a tie.
A tie between Bill Belichick, head coach of the New England Patriots and admitted football cheater, and Kors Light, makers of crappy beer and crappier on-air advertisements for their beer featuring edited press conferences footage. Coach Belichick, what role did cheating have in the Patriots' successes so far this season?
I thought it was important on Mike, you know... It's Lex, actually. I'm not Mike.
But anyway, how obnoxious do you think those Kors Light ads really are? You want to talk about the game? No, I don't want to talk about the game. You know why, Billy? Because I don't talk to douchebags, and you and Kors Light are douchebags-ish.
And finally, douchebag number one, Britney Spears. If you really need us to explain how the surprisingly non-pregnant half of the Spears daughter duo earned the douchebag award for this year, through her multiple trips to rehab, her head shaving, her paparazzi hitting with cars, her paparazzi hitting with her naughty bits, her flashing of those naughty bits, her disastrous VMA performances, her ongoing ridiculous behavior, the umbrella incident, her new songs... Well, if you can't figure it out, then award yourself an honorable mention on the crack.com year in douchebaggery list. Frankly, we've retired Britney from the douchebaggery and she makes it so easy for us to do what we do here, but then we'd have to stop being lazy.
That's not going to happen. That, my friends, is the year in douchebaggery. It's the week in douchebaggery! Be sure to check back on Monday for the last episode of the New Zone Crack for 2007, or we'll make your Xbox 360 blink red. Baggery! Yeah, we didn't update the jingle from the week thing.
Douchebag number 10, Sylvia Brown. The so-called television psychic made a prediction back in 2003 on the Montel Williams show that Sean Hornbeck had been murdered by his dreadlocked Hispanic kidnapper. Early this year, of course, Sean was found most distinctly un-murdered and his kidnapper seemed very un-Hispanic and undreadlocked too. Sylvia's never apologized to the Hornbeck family, of course, and I bet she didn't predict this on Montel. Hey, Sylvia Brown, you're a douchebag.
Douchebag number 9, Chuck Norris. Just this month, he filed suit over a book loaded with pretend Chuck Norris facts. What a dick. Let's be honest here, if it wasn't for the popularity of these facts, Norris would still be shilling for Bowflex and passionately campaigning for a full-length Walker Texas Ranger movie. Chuck Norris facts brought Chucky back into the public spotlight, and now this a-hole is suing? In light of this, we've got a few new Norris facts we'd like to add to the paperback edition of that Chuck Norris facts book. Chuck Norris facts.
Chuck Norris doesn't need a toolkit to make repairs around the house because he's enough of a massive tool himself to handle any job. Chuck Norris hasn't made a decent movie in... No, Chuck Norris has never made a decent movie. Chuck Norris doesn't have a chin under his beard or a heart or a soul. When Chuck Norris does push-ups, he doesn't push the earth down.
He's the misguided protester who gave the first performance of the instant classic line, Don't Taze Me Bro. University of Florida police officers inform Myers that he would be tased if he didn't settle down. Then they did in fact tase him when he wouldn't settle down.
So his immortal utterance now adorns t-shirts because it's funny, quirky, and in the public domain. But what does it really mean?
It's an admission by a jackass who got himself into deep shit that he was willing to do anything possible to avoid the consequences. That's not political commentary. That's just cowardice. Don't Taze Me Bro really means I'm a douchebag.
Douchebag number 7, Microsoft. Back in February, they launched the brand spanking new Windows Vista operating system which boasted huge memory and processor requirements to take advantage of all its flashy new features that nobody wants. Everyone and their mother has at this point downgraded back to XP and frankly your mother uses a Mac for Christ's sake.
We were going to dog Bill Gates about this one but he's getting some commendable charity work done. So instead we're going to give him a quick puff piece courtesy of our internet correspondent, I Justine. Justine, tell us all about Bill Gates. Thanks Lex. Bill was born in 1903 to a train conductor and a philatelist. Look it up. In 1956 he invented the personal computer and by 1962 he was the world's first internet billionaire. Bill Gates can kill a bear with his bare hands and often does so for sport.
He once chopped down a cherry tree and then ate the whole damn thing. He's addicted to painkillers and allergic to cinnamon which is a problem because his breakfast cereal of choice is always cinnamon toast crunch laced with coating.
In 2017 Bill invented the Zune and revolutionized the music industry and becoming very close with Amy Winehouse. They are now lovers. P.S. The next version of the Zune has an all new D.R.M. that is totally awesome. Back to you Lex. Thanks Justine.
So the number seven douchebag of the year award goes to Microsoft, our largest ever douchebag and yes we are including Rosie O'Donnell in that assessment. Douchebag number six, evangelist Dr. James Dobson. He's urging his fellow Christians to ignore global warming so that they can focus on opposing gay marriage and encouraging sexual abstinence unsuccessfully in keeping with Dobson's interpretation of the Bible. Meanwhile warming ocean waters have led to a global population explosion of jellyfish and this is true that jellyfish explosion has wiped out Ireland's only salmon farm and enveloped Japan in an ocean of slime. Dr. Dobson of course just continues to beat his dog, literally, as he documents in his book, Dare to Discipline. Dare to douchebag? Don't mind if we do James. Douchebag number five, Jerry Falwell. Forgive us for having two consecutive evangelists on this year end douchebag roundup. We're sure it's nothing more than a total coincidence. But with Falwell going and dying on us, how the heck are we supposed to work him into next year's year in douchebaggery for 2008? Douchebag dying. Douchebag number four, Pearl. That baby is a really, really, really mean landlord. Douchebag number three, Michael Vick.
As you might have heard, it turns out that the Falcons quarterback was into dog fighting. Now he's in prison and he's about to reach a whole new level of understanding for cock fighting. It's sort of like fencing, if fencing were man on man rape. But making dogs fight and killing them is douchebag-ish. Douchebag number two, it's a tie.
A tie between Bill Belichick, head coach of the New England Patriots and admitted football cheater, and Kors Light, makers of crappy beer and crappier on-air advertisements for their beer featuring edited press conferences footage. Coach Belichick, what role did cheating have in the Patriots' successes so far this season?
I thought it was important, Mike. It's Lex, actually. I'm not Mike.
But anyway, how obnoxious do you think those Kors Light ads really are? You want to talk about the game? No, I don't want to talk about the game. You know why, Billy? Because I don't talk to douchebags and you and Kors Light are douchebags-ish.
And finally, douchebag number one, Brittany Spears. If you really need us to explain how the surprisingly non-pregnant half of the Spears daughter duo earned the douchebag award for this year through her multiple trips to rehab, her head shaving, her paparazzi hitting with cars, her paparazzi hitting with her naughty bits, her flashing of those naughty bits, her disastrous VMA performances, her ongoing ridiculous behavior, the umbrella incident, her new songs, well, if you can't figure it out, then award yourself an honorable mention on the crack.com year in douchebaggery list. Frankly, we've retired Brittany from the news on crack since she makes it so easy for us to do what we do here, but then we'd have to stop being lazy. That's not going to happen. That, my friends, is the year in douchebaggery. It's the week in douchebaggery. Be sure to check back on Monday for the last episode of the news on crack for 2007 or we'll make your Xbox 360 blink red. |
TheOnion | Human_Head_Found_In_Hamburger | A Burger King customer in Albany, New York got more than he bargained for with his lunch yesterday. Carl Emerson, a local electrician, was surprised to find a human head stuck between the buns of his double whopper cheeseburger. I took a bite and I thought to myself, this isn't right. Emerson said he has no plans to take legal action against the franchise, which he called his favorite fast food restaurant. I'll definitely come back and eat a Burger King because I like it so much and it's close to my house. It is curious to find out how the eight-pound head found its way into his sandwich. We've told our employees that if anyone has information about a head or knows someone who's missing a head to come forward. Some suspect the head was introduced into the sandwich at the factory where Burger King's beef patties are produced. Police however say it was probably slipped in while in the restaurant's kitchen due to the head's placement between the lettuce and the tomato of the burger. No, it's not bad at all compared to the horse head. Even still to come, the Pope speaks out against a general lack of suffering. |
TheBetootaAdvocate | A_Big_Backpedal_Jenny_Cops_The_Blame_Pete_Davidson_Bites_Back_More_February_18 | You're listening to the Batutah Advocate's weekly news wrap on Desert Rock FM 96.5 Welcome back to the weekly Batutah Advocate news bulletin recording live here from downtown Batutah Desert Rock FM studios in the old city district only two of us today you've got myself Clancy Overill editor of the Batutah Advocate and of course Wendell Hussey our treasured news reader how are you Wendell? Yeah going well thanks Clancy checking for communists underneath my bed every night before I go to sleep but yeah I'm okay how are you? Red's under the bed mate there's plenty of them apparently we're gonna hear a lot more about them as the 2022 federal election ramps up. Yeah so keep an eye yourself and Errol Parkey's off on one of those boys trips that he likes to go on the nature trips wherever he goes for a few days to get away from it all so it's just Clancy and I and we'll get it. Preppers I believe they're called.
Yeah yeah yeah that's it that's the terms that they go under now we're gonna get into it with a national story first up and the headline on it reads blokes who sold Darwin Port to China still acting like they give a fuck about national security. Yes after embarrassing themselves by mangling some weird religious discrimination bill that even hardcore Christians weren't that keen on the government is trying to convince the nation that we will be a Chinese controlled territory if a Labor government has voted in in the next election. Yeah that is despite the boss of ASIO coming out and asking them to not politicize national security and the former boss of ASIO claiming that divisive comments from the Prime Minister and the Defence Minister actually benefit China and are a greater threat to our democracy than foreign interference. But as the member for Wentworth Dave Sharma said on some random Sky News program ASIO should stay out of politics and leave it to the blokes who sold the Port of Darwin to a Chinese company with close links to the Chinese Communist Party to continue banging on about Labor being Chinese puppets. Sounds like Sharma is pulling out all stops as well.
Another political story for you next up and two years of marketing focus groups have determined that it was all Jenny's fault that Scott Morrison and his family went to Hawaii a couple of years ago. Yes the government re-election strategy of 2022 is to blame the Prime Minister's wife for every mistake he has made. That comes after the light hearted 60 Minutes puff piece aimed at winning back suburban voters who think the Prime Minister is actually incapable of any critical thought or any form of political instincts. Yeah it was initially billed as a sit down with Morrison and his family but it turned out to just be 30 minutes of Jenny apologising for certain things on Scott's behalf and talking shit about survivors of child sexual abuse with a little bit of ukulele thrown in too. Just another thing the daggy dad is not particularly good at, we aren't sure yet how many more appearances Jenny will be making in the campaign but if things continue to go the way they are we can guarantee we'll see her apologising a lot more. Well she said she hates politics and wants to stay out of it so we'll just have to see how that plays out.
Some celebrity news and American funnyman Pete Davison has escalated his feud with Kanye West by asking if he still likes fish sticks in his mouth. Yes it's a social media fight that's got plenty of the world watching. If you aren't across it comedian Pete Davison has joined the American royal family the Kardashians replacing rapper Kanye West and Ye is not happy about it at all. Not at all he's launched a tirade of social media reviews accusing some pretty entertaining memes and snapshots of a private text conversation with both Kim Kardashian and with Pete Davison. However Pete Davison the sickly looking funnyman this week has fired back asking Kanye if he's still keen on eating heaps of fish sticks. Yeah West was later reported as saying he doesn't actually know what that means but it still hurt his feelings.
Some sports news now and Channel 9 has flown Phil Gaskold over to western Ukraine to do a special opening monologue for World War 3. A special occasion calls for the final word from Gaskold and with the world watching Eastern Europe it looks like we could be treated to one of Phil Gould's finest speeches. As 130,000 Russian soldiers play cards on the Ukrainian border Channel 9 have transported the rugby league commentating icon over to the snowy battlefields to provide a spine tingling intro if things do indeed kick off. Yeah it's yet to be released but we managed to get a copy of his first draft and some of it reads particularly well. One segment I've got reads like this nerves insecurity fear it will all give way to courage and bravery it'll give way to the commitment you have to your teammates and your nation it will give way to the commitment you have to do whatever is necessary to win why because that's what warriors do let's cheer on these brave souls and let's hope they can be origin players tonight enjoy your World War 3 folks. Sensational stuff there from Gaskold obviously there are a lot of comments on that one and one of the better ones was from Gavin Cosson who said Ukraine just needs to complete their sets have some belief take control of the football keep possession that's how they win tonight.
Now finishing up with some good news for those who cannot stand supermarkets declaring a holiday too early we at The Advocate can exclusively reveal that supply chain issues may cause hot cross buns to appear on shelves at an appropriate time for once. Yes fresh out of the oven this scoop as Australian retailers continue struggling to fully stock their shelves due to the spicy cough related supply chain issues it seems like the Easter holiday favourite might actually start appearing in supermarkets around the time they are supposed to. Despite containing sultanas and traces of Christianity hot cross buns are one religious tradition that a lot of Australians can get on board with but plenty of criticism has been leveled at our supermarkets for taking the piss a little bit recently. Yes in recent years the sweet Easter treats have been popping up in supermarkets as early as January but with a deficit in forklift drivers, truck drivers and warehousing staff supply chain issues mean the seasonal delicacy may not be available until just before the Easter long weekend or at a normal time. Yes hopefully they do overstock though and we can look forward to breakfast hot cross buns for a few weeks after the main event. Anyway that's all for our news wrap for this week we hope you've enjoyed it and we hope you join us again soon bye bye. Hooroo. you |
SaturdayNightLive | papyrus_2_snl | Things were starting to look up. Very proud of you Steven. Remember, we're gonna just try to avoid triggers. there it is. I'm sorry. Little setbacks would happen every now and then, but I felt in control.
I can't help you. I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I can't help you.
I felt like it was all in the past. it was just a bad dream. your job is really cool. you I don't know first thing about you. I'm in between things right now. Yeah, had a rough couple years. had to go away for a while. this is that first date material. Sorry, it's okay. we all have something. My something was hard to explain. My something was that Avatar. one of the most expensive movies in history. used Papyrus as its logo. I wasn't going back to that. I found my piece. And then it happened. I came face to face with my demons. There, I was trapped, all my progress, all my work about to be undone when I see that title.
Oh yeah, they swim now, yeah. So yeah again. just to be clear, not a huge improvement. but it made me feel like there was hope in the world. Like maybe if we raise our voice change can happen.
He just put it in bold. he just put it in bold. All the money in the world and he just put it in bold. It's him. it's the same designer. he just put it in bold. Took him seconds. a minute tops.
And if you see the logo so great, I mean wants to hear about someone who works in it? It for Disney Years to write the wrong with the first logo And what does he do? he just highlights the first one and puts it in bold mind if I sit. Sure, I'm coming to your work event. What's to the Disney Graphics Awards Ball? This is really cool, um, I just I want to thank you all for recognizing my latest creation, brand-new Avatar Logo. We really had so much fun working on this thing.
Tell them what you did.
The Avatar Logos Papyrus in Bold. It's an afterthought. Avatar spawned worlds, right? every little leaf of every little flower, every little eyelash of every little creature thoroughly thought out. But the logo? It's Papyrus in Bold.
Nobody cares. Does James Cameron care? I don't think so. he's probably at the bottom of the ocean.
Who the hell are you? Just Stephen Windings. Is your father? Jonathan Wingdings? Yeah, I can't imagine what that would be like to be raised by such a deliberately obtuse man. Someone who created something. So this is not about me. this is about you. I think this is about you.
Do you know why I like Papyrus? Because Papyrus was there from the very start, ushering in enlightenment. After enlightenment, Papyrus was the first drop in the Great.
Well, that is the human brain. From the conception of Reiki, to the first western publishing of the Kama Sutra, to the pioneer middle schoolers who burned the edges of their book reports to give it that old-timey feel to yes, Avatar. And here, Papyrus compelled me to make a bold to bring you to me to teach you to let go. Yeah, so hard to read in Avatar. Wasn't too big of a movie to use Papyrus. it's humble enough to say thank you. Had a rough couple years, had to go away for a while. this is that first day material. Sorry. it's okay. we all have something. My something was hard to explain. My something was that Avatar one of the most expensive movies in history, used Papyrus as its logo.
I wasn't going back to that. I found my piece. And then it happened. I came face to face with my demons. there. I was trapped, all my progress, all my work about to be undone when I see that title. They tasted.
Oh, yeah, they swim Now, yeah, the logo is different. Okay, it's not a huge improvement, but it's not a virus. So we must have said something. So yeah again, just to be clear, not a huge improvement. But it made me feel like there was hope in the world. Like maybe if we raise our voice change can happen.
He just put it in bold. All the money in the world and he just put it in bold. It's him. it's the same designer. he just put it in bold. He took him seconds. a minute tops.
And if you see the logo so great, I mean wants to hear about someone who works in it? It for Disney Years to write the wrong of the first logo. and what does he do? he just highlights the first one and puts it in bold. where do you mind if I sit? uh, sure, I'm coming to your work event. What's to the Disney Graphics Awards ball? This is really cool, um, I just I want to thank you all for recognizing my latest creation, brand-new Avatar logo. We really had so much fun working on this thing.
Tell them what you did.
The Avatar Logos Papyrus and Bowl. The Avatar Logos. Papyrus and bowl. It's an afterthought. Avatar spawned worlds, right? Every little leaf of every little flower, every little eyelash of every little creature thoroughly thought out. But the logo. It's Papyrus in bold.
Nobody cares. This James Cameron care. I don't think so. he's probably at the bottom of the ocean.
Who the hell are you just Stephen Windings? Is your father Jonathan Wing Dings? Yeah, I can't imagine what that would be like to be raised by such a deliberately obtuse man.
Someone who created something. So this is not about me. this is about you. I think this is about you.
Do you know why I like Papyrus? Because Papyrus was there from the very start, ushering in enlightenment. After enlightenment, Papyrus was the first drop in the great. well, that is the human brain. From the conception of Reiki to the first western publishing of the Kama Sutra, to the pioneer middle schoolers who burned the edges of their book reports to give it that old timey feel to yes, Avatar. And here Papyrus compelled me to make a bold to bring you to me to teach you let go Yeah, was so hard to read in Avatar. wasn't too big of a movie to use Papyrus. it's humble enough to say thank you thank you. |
dropout | hardly_working_car_alarm | Oh my god, so annoying.
You really think so? Yes. Why?
I, uh, I write car alarms on the weekends. That one was actually one of my biggest hits. That was unbearable. Thank you. Wait, hold on, wait a minute. You write car alarms?
That's a thing? I'm in the union. You've probably heard some of my stuff around town. Oh, like what? Uh, well there's...
That was you? I hate that one. That one kept me up just last night.
That one actually won a horny. The award's called a horny?
Yeah. Makes sense. What about that one that's like... Call me. That's you?
Wow! Hey!
What about that fucking one that's like... Me, me, me and Harry Connick Jr. actually. Class S. You know, I totally can't stand the one that's like... I actually didn't write that one. Yeah, it's actually mine.
I was kind of hoping for some feedback or... It was kind of grating. Dude, it sounded nice.
Fuck, I spent six months on that! Actually, I'm running a new one. Maybe we could workshop it? Right now it goes...
Oh, that's awful! I hate that!
And what if there's a little thing at the end that was like... Or like... And then...
Take it back to you!
Oh my god, you guys. This is a disaster. Keep going. Don't stop. Oh my god, you guys. This is a disaster. Keep going. Don't stop. Oh god, it's a nightmare!
Hey man!
We're almost there! Follow me.
That's it! Stop! I can't take any more! We're gonna win the Horny! Yay!
Beep-pod. Take it to your pal! Floor-nore-nor. Beep-pod. Take it to your pal! You Hacks! |
dropout | make_waiting_for_your_uber_sexy | Let's go back to your place. Let me get an Uber.
Okay.
I'm sorry. That's not sexy. No.
You're getting an Uber.
Not sexy. Oh, damn it. It was so sexy a second ago. You know, we could make this sexy.
Yeah. Oh. Yeah, hey. It's surge pricing right now. I'm going to surge in you. Oh, no. Too much too fast. No, yeah. You're right. Okay. Oh.
Are you looking at the map? I'm trying to decide where to put your pin.
I'm going to put it right here. Yeah. Put it right there. Yeah, put it right there. Oh, yeah. Put it there.
I'm going to enter my address. Oh, yeah. Enter your address. My address has a dash in it.
It's really long. Oh, put the whole thing in there.
Yeah. Well, it's in. You want to do something wild? Let's get an Uber pool. Oh, yeah. You want to get some other people in on this? Oh, yeah. Usually, it would just be the driver. But I want other people to ride. It's going to be so hot in that car. Yeah.
And stuffy. Mm-hmm.
Usually, I'd take an Uber Black because they're bigger. But this is fun, too.
There's no Ubers around. Oh, try Lyft. I love Lyft.
Yeah. They let me put the tip in. Oh, yeah. All right.
Do you like it in the pink? I like a mustache ride sometimes. Oh, you're wild. Mm-hmm. I like Lyft because I can ride it in the front or the back.
Oh, yeah? Why? Because you like to fist the driver. Huh? Fist bump.
Oh, yeah. Hell, yeah. Yeah.
You know what else? What?
Lyft will pick me up at the airport. Is that, um... That's just something cool about Lyft.
Oh, cool. Great. Oh. Ernest is coming. Oh, is he? Yeah. I want to watch him come. Oh, yeah. You want to see him come? Yeah. He's in a black Toyota Matrix. Oh. It's a hybrid. Oh, fuck yeah. Oh, that makes me feel so good morally. Yeah. It's going to be so tight in there. Yeah. Oh, yeah.
I'm going to have to just shove my legs back. Oh, he's almost here, but the pen's in the wrong place. Uh-oh. Wave your hand around to get him here.
Oh, like this? No, like this. Yeah, like that.
Okay. Oh, yeah, he's so close. Okay, he's coming. Oh, there he is. Yeah, that's him. Oh, there he is.
Oh, fuck yeah. Oh, fuck. Oh, God.
I thought he was going to hit me in the face.
Oh, that was great. Yeah. Oh. Hey, man. How's your night going? Long and hard. Oh, yeah. Oh.
Hey, it's Graham from College Humor.
Click here to subscribe to the channel. Click here for more fun stuff.
Sorry. Guys, it feels like I'm out. Because I can see the top of the camera, so it's... Is this better? All right. It feels worse. Okay. Thanks for watching. |
ClickHole | watch_the_big_bang_theory_with_more_laughter_added_in | Ice Dragon, Lesser Warlord of Ka'a. Not so fast.
Infinite Sheldon. Infinite Sheldon? Yes, Infinite Sheldon defeats all other cards and does not violate the rule of its co-made cards because I made it for him.
Do you understand why people don't want to play with you? No. Although it's a question I've been pondering since pre-school.
Hey.
Hey, your copy of Science magazine was in my mailbox. Check it out. All about playing system. That's an atom. Do you know what I mean? That's what I love about science. There's no one right answer. Oh. When's that again, huh? Yeah, it is. Were we here earlier?
You want to talk science with me? You want to talk science with you? You want to talk about rocks, dinosaurs, our friend the beaver?
You know, I saw this great thing on the Discovery Channel. Turns out that if you kill a starfish, they just come back alive. Was the starfish wearing boxer shorts? Because you might have been watching Nickelodeon.
Oh, shit. Guys who claim they spent most of their lives being bullied, you can be real jerks. Shame on all of you. |
TheOnion | Osama_Bin_Laden_Foundation_Awards_Fellowships_To_20_Promising_Young_Terrorists | Following the Osama bin Laden Foundation's announcement of their 2013 Mohammed Attar Fellowship winners, 22-year-old recipient Shaheed Farooq spoke with The Onion about being named one of the top 20 young terrorists to receive the prestigious $20,000 grant to study under experienced Islamic extremists. When the Attar outreach representative called me, I was just so shocked. I'm still pinching myself. I mean having the chance to learn from the same guys who did the 1998 U.S. embassy bombing in Nairobi and studying insurgency tactics with somebody like Ayman al-Hawaziri. It's just an incredible opportunity. I felt very confident about my personal essay on what the word fatwa means to me, and I never actually thought the word would like my idea to use strategically placed IEDs to demolish the Golden Gate Bridge during rush hour. The highly selective program reportedly received submissions from over 900 qualified up-and-coming extremists between the ages of 15 and 25 from all across the world. According to bin Laden Foundation officials, the 20 winners are the young jihadists who best demonstrated their expertise in handmade explosives, car bombings, and taking high-valued hostages, all in the spirit of the fellowship's namesake, 9-11 hijacker Muhammad Atta. I owe everything to my parents' support. Without their devoted teaching, I never would have known the importance of jihad and be willing to sacrifice my life for the sake of Allah. This is a dream come true.
Death to all infidels!
For more on this story, check this week's Onion Review. |
cracked | who_will_be_the_new_rick_morty | How will the show Rick and Morty continue without the voices of Rick and Morty? It will continue, but the show is looking to replace Justin Roiland, co-creator and lead voice actor of the massively popular and massively memed adult swim show Rick and Morty. That's right, the voices of both Rick and Morty are played by the same person. A grandson and grandfather have the same voice, there's a touching Disney movie there somewhere. But Roiland's story ain't so touching, Roiland has been excommunicated by the network in the midst of his fight against felony domestic violence charges. Now I'm worried for my job here. The show responded responsibly to these charges, but now they have no one to iconically whine, whimper or burp with such grotesque vigor that they inspire a nation. Fans of the series have already begun the wild speculation and suggestion as to who will take up the mantle of the two. Or one of the most recognizable voices behind the belches and kvetching internet nerddom can't get enough. |
cracked | why_nostalgia_is_total_bull_people_watching_10 | So it seems like nostalgia is a thing these days Probably every toy I had as a kid is now a movie trilogy and the new games look like old games and everything is in fashion And yeah, yeah, you're nodding. Okay, you know what I mean.
It does seem like the past is the fucking place to be When you were a kid you had a big house and a shitty black and white TV But now you've got a 55 inch plasma and a six hundred dollar phone But a shitty apartment with mirrors instead of other rooms because house prices start at half a million and I doubt you would have accepted The trade-off if you'd been asked first One day you realize that you need binoculars in a clear day to see the poverty line Your whole life is the equivalent of playing tennis with a frying pan and the only thing between you and those official poor people You see on the news is your parents bailing your ass out Oh and you'd love to have kids of your own, but how the fuck are you ever gonna be able to afford that? So maybe it makes sense why people are nostalgic for childhood because anyone looking at the world right now would conclude that shit is fucked Like if people from the future were watching us now fuck knows what they'd be thinking now is bullshit now sucks Especially on a personal level certainly my life probably seems like a joke and yet the thing is I'm still not nostalgic Not even close man. Not even a little And you're staring now trying to figure out why the fuck I'm so happy with all this You look at me like you look at the world and you probably just see a whole lot of wasted potential And I definitely see that myself sometimes. I mean you grow up It's all before you and you start forming who you are But then suddenly schools over and youth over and you have to take what you've built and somehow make it work But what if it doesn't what if all freedom did was allow you to become Unmarketable what if you're carefully crafted persona came at the expense of developing practical skills? And it constantly feels like a miracle that you're not currently living in a cardboard box in an alley What if that was another trade-off? What if you had to spend so much time and emotion trying to find out who you are that when you look around it feels Like you began 100 feet back from the starting line What if you have decades left to go yet? It always feels like there's no time left Sometimes it feels like you're stuck in some kind of permanent brunch between school and adulthood Constantly expecting maturity to kick in in the way TV said it would but as the years pass it never seems to happen You keep waiting keep getting dressed up for the ball, but it keeps getting deferred and meanwhile They're telling you to prepare for adult life They're telling you to learn some relevant skills and go outside and meet someone But they never tell you how and they definitely don't tell you about all the other shit You're gonna be learning while you're trying to learn how to type or pour drinks or dance for the people and you've had to learn a lot You know You've had to learn to be alive but not exist because people look at you and willfully ignore anything beneath the surface You've had to learn how to bury the anger because if you didn't all there would be is anger You've had to learn how to imitate humans so you can pass for one of them But you still worry about being discovered You've had to learn how to live with the knowledge that one day this will all be over and all you can do Is desperately try to make some ripples in the water to prove you were here before you sink below forever and you've had to learn how to live with the fact that millions of people won't even get that much because overwhelming heartbreak and injustice is a constant and you were just lucky to not be born into it and don't you dare waste that gift don't You dare turn out to be nobody and when you're done learning all that you'd better learn to look backwards because none of the shit existed When you were a kid, so that's gonna be your happy place forever They never said that one day you'd feel like it wasn't for work You just want to sleep forever that sometimes the mechanisms that let you go anywhere It can also paralyze you the competition that anyone can win is also what can help you destroy yourself by constant comparisons to everyone else in the race So you can be independent and attractive with a decent job and an apartment and you'll still feel like a total fucking failure half The time maybe there won't even be an earth in the future the way things are going But if there is if we somehow invent our way out of climate change and prejudice and terrorism and nuclear war If there's some amazing future society that looks back on us the way we look back on the black death Are they gonna see anything more salvaging are people in the future just gonna be laughing at us if they can time travel They're probably here right now. They probably watch the past for entertainment exactly like we do with movies They're probably invisibly walking around staring like we stare at an aquarium pointing at all the primitive Creatures that never made it on the shore how we spend so much time doing things we hate how we're constantly held back by selfishness How we all look the same but hate each other regardless how you can get a few million of us in one place and yet When you zoom in you see how alone everyone feels I know they'd at least never want the world to return to how it was They sure as hell wouldn't be nostalgic for this But you know what I try to feel that way, too We're supposed to yearn for the good old days We're supposed to look around like we're at the end of history and think that everything is fucked and it all gets gradually worse But that's bullshit because I look back and I can only speak for myself But I never had so much as I have now.
I look back and I was never this poor. I was never this focused either. I Was never this stressed, but I was never this responsible. I Was never this discouraged, but I was never this engaged. I Was never this tired, but I was never myself either I Was never this afraid, but I swear to God.
I was never this determined And I don't know a lot, but I know I'd never want to be any me except this one Some days it seems hopeless and like nothing will get better And you just want to be someone's kid again for a minute and not have to worry about everything But on other days I remember how I've never enjoyed anything as much as I enjoy the things I've accomplished and the people who I only know Because of who I am now I'd like to see a movie trilogy about that I'd like to see a movie where everybody realizes that nobody is who they were when they were born because it's your right to work Toward something you're happy with I'd like to see a movie about how things do get better and fear can't change the world because love Is the only thing motivating enough to shape the future and if people from the future are looking back at me They're gonna see someone who's looking back at his own past and his only nostalgic for Halloween and summer because this This is me and I like me believe it or not Am I making sense here? What do you think? I think this is easily the worst lap dance ever I know. I'm sorry. It's been that kind of year. I guess no, it's fine. I completely agree with you actually I may look like I know what I'm doing But I look back and there are a lot of bad haircuts and bad choices and ten years from now I'll probably feel the same looking back on this Sorry, it is what it is. You can look back and say your favorite TV show could never get made today But maybe it's because we've learned to make better shows Maybe we can't make this place great again because it's fucking never been as great as it is now and as great as we'll Make it in the future and as for any time travelers watching us. What would the future say about the past? I don't know.
What do you say about your own past? I just say I'm glad I kept going Because whatever this is, it's not the end Whatever I think of my past self I'm so thankful that despite all the assholes despite all the hate despite all the bullshit He didn't give up Because I'm only here in a place I like because of him not giving up It's not nostalgia. It's not regret It's just gratitude, you know That's exactly what I was about to say Thank you So |
dropout | jake_and_amir_the_adobe_imagination_challenge_sponsored | I think the key is to just do what you like doing and do it consistently to the point that like if it's funny it'll find an audience. And don't wait for permission is the huge thing. You're not going to find somebody to sponsor your web series before you make it.
Jake Hurwitz and I'm Amir Blumenfeld. We are web series creators, writers, actors and editors. I'm also a knife salesman.
That's fine. What? You just use web series creators. Well, okay. I do sell knives though. I know. You do. You don't successfully do it. Right. Did you ask what we were successful at or what we do?
The imagination challenge is super cool because, you know, usually with creative outlets there's no specific reward for it other than like your internal ability. Like it all comes from like you wanting to just be creative and this is like, okay, you can do that too, but you can also win money.
So we're looking forward to that. That's true. What was the inspiration behind our series was sort of to make each other laugh. Yeah. That was the whole thing.
My favorite Adobe product is a Photoshop, I think just because it was one of the first things I learned when I came to College Humor. One of my old jobs was finding images for articles. And if there wasn't one on Google image, I would just make one myself.
Yeah. I remember like a lot of those were very bad. Yeah. I was learning. Yeah. So it'd be like his article would be about a kid in dorm and then you would use the paintbrush tool on Photoshop to just sort of. I drew a stick figure. Yeah.
And a little house. A hut.
You got reprimanded for that. I did. Yeah. Because like a lot of the times they wanted actual photos.
We look to each other for inspiration, don't we? I inspire you. I inspire you and I get inspirations from.
From me. Out. From anywhere. Really.
Whether it's. Each other. Or someone else. Because it doesn't necessarily always happen. It's not you.
Like I'm sorry, what do you want me to say?
We have a lot of fans who are more talented than we are. Like we have. I'd say all of our fans.
Yeah. The vast majority at least. And if we can use Photoshop, certainly they can. So I guess I'm just excited to see how much more talented everybody is in me. Yeah, that's going to make us feel really good. Yeah. |
cracked | why_back_to_the_future_is_secretly_horrifying_after_hours | We don't have to get into a thing. Look around you, Soren. We are in a thing. This is us, in a thing.
Do you think she heard me say no raisins? I mean, she didn't write it down. What are we talking about?
Back to the future. I'm allergic to raisins. Oh, specifically how it has the worst ending in movie history. So, like, actually, allergic, or you just don't like them? Okay, it's the end of the movie.
We're back in present day, but everything's different because Marty's gone back in time to help his parents meet. But, present day George and Lorraine still had a pretty substantial relationship with Marty back in 1955. Lorraine was even hot for Marty, like in a weird, gross, reverse-edible sort of way. Then Lorraine marries George and gives birth to the same person they went to high school with. Now, if I married my high school sweetheart and we had a kid that looked exactly like someone we went to high school with, that would be a red flag. Not to mention that Lorraine had a thing for Marty and then named her kid Marty.
Well, it's weird about loving your mother. Why are you drinking out of a jug? Okay, it's not weird.
People name their kids after old friend all the time. You should name one bowling alley after the last place we made love. Okay, last implies multiple interactions. I think you mean iterations. Occasions. Interrelations, occasions. Does that have raisins?
Marty drove his parents insane. It's the worst happy ending ever.
Yeah, but the kid they knew in 1955 wasn't named Marty. That's right, and he was Calvin Klein. So now they look him up and see that Calvin Klein got rich selling the same underwear that 1955 Marty was wearing, and he doesn't even look a thing like him.
Does somebody want these? They don't know it's real anymore. It's like when you discover your au pair Denise isn't your real mother. That's nothing. Alright, go back to the ending.
So George and Lorraine are hip and married and they got their weird bastard time paradox kid or whatever, and Biff is now a neutered pseudo-servant to the McFly family. I think anyone ever casually mentions the time Biff tried to rape Lorraine. What happened between sex criminal and Butler is very necessary plot information. Yeah, but it was the 80s. All movie bullies were sort of doing stuff like that. You guys are just thinking about Marty's parents. I mean, Marty got screwed too.
Herkinsons, Katie? Really? She's great.
Okay, first of all, we learn that Lorraine is like a danger slut. I mean, she only falls for George because he's injured. Then in the alternate past, Marty gets injured and she falls for him. That's the basic plot of the movie, yes. But it shows that she's not actually attracted to George, she's just attracted to danger in accidents. No, she's just nurtured. No, it's danger. I mean, she only eventually falls for George after he fights off Biff mid-rape. I mean, in Lorraine's eyes, someone getting hit by a car?
Hot. Someone getting punched in the face? Hotter. Someone getting punched in the face while being raped? Hottest.
I don't see what this has to do with Marty. Can you imagine finding out that your mom is some sort of sex fiend that can only orgasm when danger is involved? I mean, Marty had to figure that out first hand. Imagine your mother in the context of that sentence right now. Now, okay, that's gross and weird and so are both of yours, but still not the worst thing to come out of Back to the Future.
Dan, the man has a disease. It's merely not work. Okay, so we're back at the dance. Marty is performing for his parents. He wants to play something young, something hip.
The clear choice is Johnny Be Good, the Chuck Berry song. And in a clever little twist, Chuck's cousin calls Chuck and has him listen to Marty's song over the phone. And in an astonishing display of musicianship, Chuck learns the entire song via phone and releases his hit single, Johnny Be Good, shortly thereafter. Now, poor, poor Chuck Berry, whose only real crime was loving music.
And armed robbery. And videotaping women while they urinated.
And for freedom, in the Back to the Future mythology, Berry is an unapologetic thief. But Marty still learned the song from Chuck Berry recording, so technically, Chuck is still the song author. Well, unless you think that the timeline split into that. As hot as timeline splitting gets me, this is about rock history, a subject about which you are clearly woefully ignorant.
One, white people invented rock and roll. Don't patronize me. Counting's gay. Two, white people stole credit. When the Rolling Stones covered a muddy waters tune, it was called Rock and Roll. But when muddy played it, it was a slave record. Eventually, white people gave the credit to the people who deserved it. Ooh, black people. Shh. Black people.
But then, Marty stole it back. That's a stretch. Oh, I am in no way finished.
What is the first thing Marty does? The first person he talks to when he goes back to 55. The mayor! The black mayor. The first thing Marty does. Walks up to a black guy working a cash register and says, one day you will be mayor. And he says, say, mayor, I like the sound of that.
Is that your black voice? You sound like a blender. The idea hadn't even occurred to him. Marty gave this random black guy the push he needed to succeed in 1955. The year the Civil Rights Movement started. Okay, so you're saying? Black people invented hover boards. Close. I'm saying I wouldn't be surprised if the original rough draft of Back to the Future was just Marty time-traveling and crafting black history.
Why do you not? Is this part of your rap phase? Oh, are we allowed to talk about it now?
Wait, nobody's concerned that he just called Zemeckis a racist? Zemeckis. I'm not saying Zemeckis sat down with his typewriter and said, ooh, I'm going to go through American history and make it even whiter.
Not until Forrest Gump. Oh, my God. Don't even get me started on Forrest Gump.
You want to talk about a creepy rape scene? Not really. Yeah, all right. Okay, so imagine that the genders are reversed. What if it was a retarded girl showing up at the dorm room of a guy that she has a crush on? Is this about our first day? No, it's not about you need to just shut your face. Because it seems remarkably similar.
Let me tell it. Let me tell it back. Before I punch you in the face. There I am. I've just won the Indy 500. |
cracked | director_s_corner_new_guy_weekly | Hi, YouTube, this is Alex with another this week We go inside the making of cracked videos with a segment I call director's corner guys I'm here with Adam Ganser He is an editor and a writer and a director he's got his director head on today You know figuratively to tell us about how a crack video gets directed. Thank you Adam. Yeah Yeah, I'm very glad to be first thing you get a script How do you get it from there to like we're directing a video a lot of pre-production involves do some research on what kind of? Movies or various cinema that I'm parody and then I'll have my meetings with all my keys So like my director photography right but like not the boring I mean not the meetings we need that we need to get our lights and camera Oh, let's put on our Setup hat and you like send a guy is it like go to the closet in the building and get the things or do you like?
You go to that closet that closet right the closet by by its desk Yeah, you go to that passcode thingy on the front and you're like Yeah, yeah, I mean there's yeah, I don't know what the secret is you can't that you do it and then we'll keep Explaining like an old phone, you know, like you don't like it doesn't make noises. Oh, it's not I can't give out the Code to anybody Because right you can't give the code to anybody, you know, right?
Okay, right. You can give it to some buddies You know for safety just cuz that's a legal issue and his lawyer happens But yeah, like a like a British wig or something, right? Yeah, like a barristers wig.
Um, no, I can't I can't give you that one camera. Oh Yeah, it was definitely before we had a camera that was stolen it was very much before I was here Yeah, I wasn't even around we lost I was in I was in a different state Yeah, but somebody died in my family.
I feel like Anyway, so it's like eight three stop me if I if that's not an eight three Nope, nope. Okay five five five standing. It's almost gotta be a five.
That's very worn down. It's a very worn down number on the Just by fake alert.
So if that's what you if that's it I kind of need to Do you have some other work I can do like one o'clock? Why would you have to would you be busy and zoom in for the dramatic reveal I'll send you a Email where an introduction so you can talk to whoever you need to talk to about that and I can get back to what I need to do It's just like when I do One of there's filmmaking thing where you do a zoom and like you're supposed to dramatically reveal what okay? Okay, bye bye. Um, uh, oh One thing great one thing. It's just like I'm very confident and I'm very excited about all fit all things involving You know fun equipment eyes are like cameras. Really? I mean the eye is a powerful many many many many definitions Camera, there's so many things we could do, you know, if we just think outside the box for the light of box I don't know. I would assume like where would you even put the lights be a large? Like a wit like one of those shipping containers the directing life is neat. You know, it's like oh now I'm at my computer now. I'm outside working in my mind wherever creativity takes me. I just go there alright, so so how about I show you the equipment and then we can Move on guys. We are about to go inside the correct equipment room.
This is our red camera shoots in 4k It's one of our nicer cameras I mean I've used I've used that Kind of camera and I it was really this kind of camera. I Needed an escape video. I will do some action shots I'll be like on the board and then you know, this is a $50,000 camera. You took it On a skateboard. No, I can't be a 50 It is that that is what it costs. Okay, so man, you had dropped that cameraman You would be on the hook for $50,000 not covered when you take it when you're not allowed to take it because we have a locked Door that prevents people from getting thank you.
Thank you guys for watching new guy weekly Please email me at new guy quickly at gmo.com if you would like to touch me your pants Thank you for I smell that. No, we don't smell anything. What would you smell?
It's something in the room It's a weird you opened an old case Thanks for already subscribing to this channel Adam Todd Brown is the reason cracked has a stand-up comedy presence His show happens st. Patrick's Day at Westside Comedy Theatre in Santa Monica, and then he's taking his show on the road They're gonna be in Albuquerque, New Mexico, April 2nd. They're gonna be in Kansas City, Missouri April 7th You can find out about it at un pops dot tumblr.com or twitter.com slash un pops I also want to thank black tie geek for this item, which is secretly full of space invaders |
SaturdayNightLive | nick_burns_your_company_s_computer_guy_new_tech_guy_saturday_night_live | Oh, darn it, my computer froze again. You know, it hasn't been the same since that virus attacked the system.
Did anyone call Nick Burns? Yeah, I called him about half hour ago. he told me to go soak my head. I don't like that guy.
Well, I tried to run that Norton program to fix it, but it didn't work. And I don't know. that's because Norton Utilities can only detect a virus. it can't repair your hard drive after you've downloaded an infected program.
Patch Adams. Nick will fix your computer, then he's gonna make fun of you. Cause he's Nick Burns, your company's computer guy.
Okay, Blockheads, I'm getting ready to go on vacation. I'm training the new guy. if you need any help, you call him this week, All right? come on in here, Wang. hi, everybody. All right, who's having a problem? All right, one at a time, my brain doesn't have a zip drive. what's your problem? Well, I just, um, I can't, I'm trying to, I can't talk. Well, hurry up, my screen saver's about to kick in.
I'm doing the quarterly again. And I copied the spreadsheets into this new file, and this stupid computer just screwed up all my columns. Oh, it's a computer that's stupid, not you, right? the computer's screwed up. Yeah, okay, all right. I tried to cut and paste it. cut and paste? didn't I tell you these guys were stupid? go to your default font and change it to the spreadsheet font. My spreadsheet has a font. Move! Was that so hard? I didn't know my spreadsheet had a font. obviously. hey, you know, they're training monkeys down at the zoo to use computers. maybe I'll sign you up for a class.
Hey, Nick. hey, Wang. how are things going today? about as fast as an Lc475 with a 32-bit processor. Yeah, Lc475. Well, I got to remember that one in the chat rooms. So what's your deal? you know, the craziest thing's happening.
What, you stopped thinking about pudding for ten seconds? come on, I want to open this file. But it said, I don't have enough memory.
Move! was that so hard? Wang, go help out the Queen of Tetris over there. Okay. what's your problem, Einstein? Wang, I'm trying to download an attachment from an email, but when I try it, it says I need a file converter. So then I tried to save it to word first, but it won't let me. So what can I do? Move! did you fix it? Yeah, you fixed it.
I told you these flapjacks are one meg short of a gig. Son of A. is that you? that's me. that's you. Ah, it's those idiots over at the R&d. Well, I guess we got to make it like Microsoft. and split. L-o-l, let's go. Oh, by the way, you welcome! |
dropout | you_can_never_take_the_last_cookie | Ooh. Only some for someone else. Did you catch the newest ninja butt warriors? Uh, hell yeah I did. I don't want to take the whole thing. Do you remember when that lady used her butt to headbutt the other guy's butt? I rewound and I was still surprised. You taped it? Oh yeah, I tape everything. Huh, are we talking butt warriors? Yeah! You can probably just finish the whole thing, right? No, it's rude. Do you guys remember when that guy put the butter on his butt to butt his way into that butt fight? I was like, now this is television. Yeah, and you know I did some research on that guy and he used to be a baby. Come on. What? Are we talking butt warriors? Uh-huh. Scalpel. No, I can't watch the second one. No, right, that must be done. No one here will be rude. Guys, were you guys talking about ninja butts? Yeah! Really?
We ate all the cookies? No, Zach, we would never.
Oh my god, here. Easy does it. That one was rude.
I got an alert.
Yeah, we're talking ninja butts. Like 10 minutes ago. Yeah! Everyone ready? I'm about to split this thing.
I won't eat.
Oh no, the atom's unstable. This cookie's about to crumble. Run for your lives! The last bit of cookie. That is so rude.
Hi, I'm Rekha from College Humor. Click here to subscribe. Click here for other fun stuff. And thank you so much for watching. I love my job and I'm definitely not trapped in this video. Things are great. |
cracked | if_buzzfeed_videos_were_openly_insane | No, I've never tried that before. Uh, no, I have never tried it before, but I wanted to, so...
I know my mom has done it, but I mean, I think she was like in her 20s. It was a long time ago. I feel excited. I'm very excited, actually, because I heard it's supposed to be life-changing. I've heard it's a huge financial responsibility, but that's just a stereotype. Um, I've seen people post photos on Facebook after they've done it, and they always look really happy. I heard that Beyonce paid somebody to do it for her. I heard it's so popular in China, they have to regulate how often people do it. But it's pretty cool. They're doing it that much, you know.
Ah! Oh, man! Ah! I knew it!
Can I die for this? Actually, yes. Yolo! I'm so sure. My mom is going to kill me. This is not what I expected to be doing today. Yes. Yes, I will. Who says this?
Do I know them? You can tell me. I won't tell. Okay, just not if I know them. Are they nice?
Yeah! It's going to be fun. Cool. Do you have a cigarette? Okay.
This is weird. Ah, me! Oh, f***! This kind of hurts, you know. Uh, what up, giving birth, f***! What's my pulse? Look at me, this is hard. Ow! Get this baby out of me, you know what I'm saying?
Up top, no, don't. Stay down there. Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh.
Am I doing this right? There it is. Oh, all right on! Okay. I don't know. I mean, I'll try anything once, but this just really wasn't for me. Okay. Cool.
You know, should we do another one of these? You know, I have not tried kimchi. Do you want to do the kimchi one? Yeah, I'd probably do it again. I mean, yeah, why not, right? Like if I have a three-day weekend or something.
These things are like... They're like kind of messy and weird.
But I guess I kind of love it. I kind of love it.
Do you guys have a bag I can take us to go with you? Yeah, give the... This is your guys' now? This thing? I gotta go pretty soon. I got a bumblebee. So... Don't want to be late. Wait, wait, wait. Where are you guys going?
Hello? Hey!
Where do I leave the... Where do I leave this?
Sorry, just... I don't... Just... I don't... |
cracked | why_the_sandlot_is_secretly_about_american_racism | The Sandlot was the movie that taught us that terrorizing old blind men is awesome. So you're the one that's making all that racket. Low-level sexual assault is hilarious. And moving to a new town is pretty easy when you have a living saint in your neighborhood desperately trying to fill out the roster of his baseball team. It also taught us that fat kids playing baseball were cool. Which was a real boon for me in third grade. But what many of us fondly remember as a film dripping with nostalgia for a decade we never actually experienced might be a powerful allegory for the racial integration of Major League Baseball.
Oh no, it's about a dog and Dennis Leary and throwing up tobacco juice. That was you. All of you. Well hear me out. The movie takes place in 1962 right when the Civil Rights Movement in America was picking up steam.
And Benny the Jet Rodriguez is the leader of the Sandlot Orphans. Which is the team name I've just assigned them. Benny's team is a pretty diverse bunch of kids and they're all awesome baseball players. But we're given the impression that the rest of the neighborhood sees them as a bunch of shit-kicking troublemakers. The real baseball team, the kids that pedal up on their bikes to challenge the Sandlot gang to an exhibition game, they're obviously the district's official Little League team. Maybe the local junior high All-Stars. And they're all the whitest kids ever created. They acknowledge Benny is good but they clearly won't let him on the team. Either that or Benny just doesn't want to play baseball with a bunch of assholes. I know them feels. Then their golden king even calls the Sandlot players...
Want to read Jackson a fat kid, Rodriguez. Shut your mouth, Phillips. He's elitist racist baseball rolled into a single obnoxious future cocaine abuse statistic. His father probably owns a car dealership. What did you say?
Wait, what the hell were those kids doing riding around the neighborhood in full uniform? They obviously didn't have an official game schedule. Were they just wandering around looking for a bunch of plucky rascals to harass?
Is that a thing that bullies do? Hey, Sorin. Yeah. Is that a thing that bullies do?
Uh, I don't know, man. I gotta go. I gotta race a poor kid down a ski slope.
Thanks, Sorin. Love our talks. He's the best.
The Beast, the terrifying dog soaked in urban legend that serves as the film's primary antagonist, is a big scary monster that steals Small's autographed Babe Ruth ball. The dog embodies white America's feelings about baseball integration. A shambling ogre that would taint the legacy of all the great white players who came before it. When the Beast gets the ball, the game is over. And that's the irrational fear of integration. That baseball would be over if anyone but white people got to play. The Beast is even physically separated from the Sandlot by a giant fence. The gang's fear of the Beast, and consequently of the black baseball player who owns him, is fueled by ridiculous stories passed along by a caricature of a fearful white person.
Forever. Who in turn learned the story from his own family. My grandpa Squigman Paladors was police chief back then. When you ordered Mr. Myrtle to turn his backyard into a fortress, it chained up the Beast. The only reason the Sandlot gang is afraid of the Beast to begin with is because they've grown up hearing how terrible he is from all the people around them. Also, we know from earlier that they really don't like playing with the white people because they're dicks.
Shut up, Porter! Hey, hey, I'm just trying to have a little friendly conversation.
Benny and his team aren't in a hurry to knock the fence down, but they still play right next to it every day like they can sense some big change is coming. And the Beast stops looking like a monster and more like a normal dog, the second Benny finally hops a wall of garbage and meets him on equal footing. When the Beast gets over the fence, he chases Benny through a public pool, a school, and a park in a middle-class neighborhood, places that were infamously segregated.
The only people they offend during that entire chase sequence are white folks. And two vaudevillian chefs doing a zany cake routine for some reason.
When they finally get back to the Sandlot and knock the fence down, Benny and his team see that the Beast has a whole mountain of baseballs, all the great games that finally get to be played now that the wall is down. Then, Benny and Scotty Smalls finally meet the Beast's owner, James Earl Jones, who turns out to be a former Negro League Baseball player that got the vision knocked out of his skull by a stray pitch. He was so dedicated to the game that it cost him his sights, and his reward is to sit in a dusty old junkyard in terrified silence as a bunch of kids spend their entire summer attacking his dog. The only payment he asks in exchange for the murderer's row ball is that Benny and Smalls come talk to him once a week about baseball. He mentors these two kids, passing along years of priceless knowledge and experience that they never would have received had that fence not been felt. Consequently, Benny and Smalls are the only two members of the Sandlot gang who grow up to be involved in Major League Baseball.
The rest pursue other accomplishments of burying his team, except for Bertram. Bertram got really into the 60s, and no one ever saw him again. This is another way of saying that a moccasin-clad Bertram OD'd on a balloon full of heroin in somebody's bungalow.
Boy, that video was fun, huh? A lot of laughs to be had there. Dan was probably in it. A lot of good things happened. We all had a really good time together.
Go ahead and go down to the comments and tell us the most intricate details of this video. That was about dogs, I want to say. Or subscribe to our channel. Or share this video, disseminate it as you see fit. If you didn't like it, maybe now's the time for quiet. |
SaturdayNightLive | inside_politics_cold_open_snl | Good afternoon, I'm Dana Bash, and welcome to inside Politics. we'll give Wolf Blitzer an edible and an hour to solve the Middle East. But first, on Tuesday, President Joe Biden won the Michigan Primary.
But a New York Times poll today has him down five points, and many voters still have concerns about his age.
Here with me is Governor of California and Biden advocate, Gavin Newsom. Great to be with you, Dana.
I understand people care about the President's age, but what they should care about is his record. look at what Joe Biden has done for America. he's created more jobs than any President in history, inflation is down, the Shamrock shake is back, and Beyonce has gone country. Thank you, Joe. right, but can he make that case with the speed and sharpness that someone like you can? Dana, Joe can do it better. I was just with him, and behind closed doors, Joe is incredible. yesterday, we had a big meeting about the border, and God, he had such command. he had charts, tables, powerpoints, He had an interactive Ar display on the Apple Vision Pro that he programmed himself. the software might be in beta, but the man, he's an Alpha. Governor, I have to admit, I'm a little skeptical. this is the same man people call Sleepy Joe. Well, he has to sleep, Dana. but even when he's sleeping, he's on. the other day he was taking a nap and I whipped the baseball at him, and he caught it like De Niro in Awakenings. lightning quick. Just ask any of the people who are with him every day. very well, let's go live to Washington with White House Press Secretary Kareem Jean-pierre. Hello Dana. pleasure to be with you to talk about the most vigorous man I've ever known, Joe Biden.
Really? Absolutely. I was just with him, and behind closed doors, he's a whirlwind.
I mean Dana, look at his schedule. 7 a.m. Soul Cycle class. and I'm not talking about taking one, he leads it.
8.30 A.m. plays speed chess in the park. 8.32 A.m. wins chess game, points at opponent, and says, next time, Young Blood. 9.30 A.m. meets with Joint Chiefs for a Military strategy meeting and push-up contest. 10.02 A.m. wins contest, points at the head of the Joint Chiefs, and says, next time, Young Blood.
10.03 A.m. to 11 A.m. train time.
And that's all before a lunch where he eats five whole chickens and a raw potato.
Kareem, Biden is 81 years old, isn't that a little concerning? only if you're scared of wisdom. Look, Joe Biden was 30 years old before Roe Vs. Wade was instated, so you know he was smashing. he dealt with those restrictions then, as a young, handsome man, and he can deal with them now as an old, even more handsome man. ask anyone who works with him closely.
Well, let's do that. we are now joined live by Secretary of Homeland Security Alejandro Mayorkas. thanks for having me, Dana.
Man, I am exhausted. I was with Joe Biden for the past weekend, and he wiped me out.
Ok, so you feel he's up to the job. Dana, I was just with him, and behind closed doors, he's a dynamo.
This weekend, we both went down to the border town of Brownsville, Texas, and Joe went into beast mode. he said, we're going to tighten this border. look how easy I can cross it. Then he parcord up to the top of the border wall. he flipped into the Rio Grande and came back up with a fish in his mouth.
But you didn't report that because it doesn't fit your little narrative. Well, with all due respect, it doesn't fit reality.
Oh, please, Dana, we were all just with him. If you don't believe us, just ask a good friend of mine, one of the Nba's fiercest players, Golden State Warriors forward Draymond Green. let's go live to San Francisco. Hello, Mr. Green. yeah, what's up, Dana? are we talking about Joe Biden?
Because he got that dog in him. you've met the President. I was just with him, and behind closed doors, he is strong. Joe got that grandpa monkey strength, and he can jump. that man can jump so high that I saw him grab a dollar off the top of the backboard and leave some change.
Did you know he dunked on me? he dunked on you? yeah, yeah, it was disrespectful, too. he windmilled in my face, and he talked about, yeah, next time, young blood. And I wasn't having it, so I tried to punch him in the nuts, and I broke three fingers.
Yeah, you can't mess with Joe, Ma'am.
Governor, I have to say, we all know the stakes here. you don't have to exaggerate to make voters feel better. I'm not. what were you saying about Biden is true. you want to call him? let's facetime him.
I'll bet he's probably just right in the middle of the bike ride.
All right, can you put my phone up on the screen? hey, hey, all right. it's Kevin Duschia. Mr. President? hey, hold on.
I'm just going to turn off the volume. just got to find a button.
There we go. well, looks like he hung up. while the Governor tries to get him back on the line, let's take a break. and live from New York, it's Saturday. it's Friday. but a New York Times poll today has him down five points and many voters still have concerns about his age. Here with me is Governor of California and Biden advocate, Gavin Newsom. great to be with you, Dana. I understand people care about the President's age, but what they should care about is his record. Look at what Joe Biden has done for America. he's created more jobs than any President in history. inflation is down. the Shamrock shake is back. and Beyonce has gone country.
Thank you, Joe. right, but can he make that case with the speed and sharpness that someone like you can? Dana, Joe can do it better. I was just with him, and behind closed doors, Joe is incredible. yesterday, we had a big meeting about the Border, and God, he had such command. he had charts, tables, powerpoints. he had an interactive Ar display on the Apple Vision Pro that he programmed himself. the software might be in beta, but the man, he's an Alpha.
Governor, I have to admit, I'm a little skeptical. this is the same man people call Sleepy Joe. Well, he has to sleep, Dana. but even when he's sleeping, he's on. The other day, he was taking a nap, and I whipped the baseball at him, and he caught it like De Niro in Awakenings. lightning quick. just ask any of the people who are with him every day. very well. let's go live to Washington with White House Press Secretary Kareem Jean-pierre. hello, Dana. pleasure to be with you to talk about the most vigorous man I've ever known, Joe Biden. really? absolutely. I was just with him, and behind closed doors, he's a whirlwind. I mean, Dana, look at his schedule.
7 a.m. Soul Cycle class. and I'm not talking about taking one. he leads it. 8.30 A.m. place speed chest in the park.
8.32 A.m. wins chest game, points at opponent, and says, next time, young blood. 9.30 A.m. meets with Joint Chiefs for a military strategy meeting and push-up contest. 10.02 A.m. wins contest, points at the head of the Joint Chiefs, and says, next time, Young Blood.
10.03 to 11, train time.
And that's all before a lunch where he eats five whole chickens and a raw potato.
Kareem, Biden is 81 years old. isn't that a little concerning? only if you're scared of wisdom. Look, Joe Biden was 30 years old before Roe Vs. Wade was instated, so you know he was smashing. he dealt with those restrictions then as a young, handsome man, and he can deal with them now as an old, even more handsome man. ask anyone who works with him closely.
Well, let's do that. we are now joined live by Secretary of Homeland Security Alejandro Mayorkas. Thanks for having me, Dana.
Man, I am exhausted. I was with Joe Biden for the past weekend, and whew, he wiped me out.
Okay, so you feel he's up to the job. Dana, I was just with him, and behind closed doors, he's a dynamo.
This weekend, we both went down to the border town of Brownsville, Texas, and Joe went into beast mode. he said, we're gonna tighten this border. look how easy I can cross it. Then he parcord up to the top of the border wall. he flipped into the Rio Grande and came back up with a fish in his mouth.
But you didn't report that because it doesn't fit your little narrative. Well, with all due respect, it doesn't fit reality.
Oh, please, Dana, we were all just with him. If you don't believe us, just ask a good friend of mine, one of the Nba's fiercest players, Golden State Warriors forward, Draymond Green. let's go live to San Francisco. Hello, Mr. Green. Yeah, what's up, Dana? are we talking about Joe Biden because he got that dog in him? you've met the President.
I was just with him, and behind closed doors, he is strong. Joe got that grandpa Monkey strength, and he can jump. that man can jump so high that I saw him grab a dollar off the top of the backboard and leave some change.
Also, did you know he dunked on me? he dunked on you? yeah, yeah, it was disrespectful, too. he wind-neeled in my face, and he talked about, yeah, next time, young blood. And I wasn't having it, so I tried to punch him in the nuts, and I broke three fingers.
Yeah, you can't mess with Joe, Ma'am.
Governor, I have to say, we all know the stakes here. you don't have to exaggerate to make voters feel better. I'm not. what we are saying about Biden is true. you want to call him? let's facetime him.
I'll bet he's probably just right in the middle of the bike ride.
Well, looks like he hung up. Why, the Governor tries to get him back on the line. let's take a break. and live from New York, it's. |
dropout | Who_Tried_To_Join_a_Gang | Who tried to join a gang? I'm going to say, because he's from Compton. I knew it was Compton.
Hey, your words, not mine. That it has to be iffy. I'm going to go out and say that it isn't me. Okay. Oh, no. Well, who else would it be?
Yeah. You know, it would be someone, one of y'all who tried to join a gang. It did cross my mind. It was like, oh, because I remember when I was in Long Beach, they were like, oh man, if you join Rollin' Twenties, which is the gang that Snoop Dogg is in. It's like, sometimes he's at the parties. It could be good for your acting career. Yeah. It really opened up a lot of doors for him. Yeah. So I was like, am I really going to join a whole ass gang just for the chance to meet Snoop Dogg once to awkwardly go up to him at the party? Like, hey man, I really like that song you did with Pharrell's. Yeah. There are easier ways to meet Snoop Dogg. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
You know it's not me, because I was unleashing horses. There are no people around. And you know, you grew up in Seattle, so the only gang you could have joined is Hootie and the Blowfish. So the only leads process of the elimination, it has to be you, Kalila. Really? Yeah, it has to be.
There's not gangs in Seattle? Have you been to Seattle?
You didn't know why she is immediately disqualified from any day.
Like, who are you in the game with? You and Reggie Watts? That's it, that's the game. You, Reggie Watts, Danielle Radford, that's the game.
I know, I can name all the black people who have grown up in Seattle. Oh my God, well, what, maybe they're not black? Why don't all black people don't have to be in gangs? It could be, you know. Well, the white gangs don't like us.
I don't know how to tell you this. Grant's being awfully quiet. I was trying to join a white gang. I have to tell everyone a couple of things.
All right, let's get those final guesses in. Cody, who do you think? I'm gonna say it's you, just because it seems like a curve ball. I could see you continue to join a gang. Okay, Ashley, who do you think? I'm gonna say you. Ooh. That would be fun. Ify, who do you think? Kalila. Kalila, who do you think?
Wow. Lily. Will the attempted gang member please take a sip of their drink? Shock. So I don't know if I should say the gang that I was trying to join. Okay, fine, the Bloods. What? Yeah. I did not. And so whoever can- Sorry, what? Please make a gift of the Bloods. Yeah.
I was in sixth grade and- Yep, that's right. That's prime, that's prime joining gang age. And my neighbor was in the gang and I was like, oh my God, it's so awesome. Let me give you all the reasons why I should be part of this gang. First of all, I'm on the honor roll.
Nobody's gonna ever notice it. I can be a drug queen pin. Nobody's gonna question anything. Please let me in.
I was like, I had a little spreadsheet. I was like, okay, here's why. Here are my reasons. Let me tell you, I have all A's in all the classes, especially math.
I'm telling you we can bring a business focus to this. I want us to be entrepreneurs.
And I was rejected. Now, the reason I was rejected, and I'm grateful because my life took a different trajectory than it probably would have if I had joined the gang. But my friend, he did not agree with my desire.
He was like, listen, you're smart. Go to school. Do things that are good. I'm gonna be here in the neighborhood. I was ready to fight though. I was good.
I see, that's, it's so funny because I had the opposite response when they told me the process. I was like, oh, that doesn't sound fun. The process being you get jumped in. There's one of two ways. You one-on-one with somebody and you fight and whatever, or like you just get jumped. And the fact that you didn't run away from getting jumped, you showed heart.
Khalilah was ready to fight with a spreadsheet. I was ready.
I can't believe that didn't work. Same. How did you feel when they sent you your official rejection letter? You know, I was really disappointed. I was surprised.
I was like, can I come to a meeting? I just need to plead my case in person. Hello, resume. I'm qualified. I'm overqualified.
And if you guys don't want me, that's your loss. All right, that is points for Ify and Cody. All right. |
SaturdayNightLive | avatar_snl | I'll be. As Chief of this clan, it's my job to keep you all safe. in doing that, I must tell the truths of this war. What's going on, Jake Sully? There are reports. the humans have infiltrated the Omatakaya clan. I fear there are sky people living among us, disguised as avatars. That can't be. No! these are our brothers and sisters. What? we've got humans up in here? Not cool, man. not cool. Yeah, I hate that. I know it's difficult to process, but we must stay vigilant. reports tell us that we should be looking for two female lieutenants that are spies described as butch ladies from Arizona. we need to be on the lookout for some Grand Canyon types.
Yeah! Jake Sully, it's obviously these two. wait, Vicki and Christine? Whoa!
Okay, thank you, J.r.k. Appreciate it, J.r.k. It's Jake.
Wait, yeah, now that I think about it, they do always look down at their own bodies and say out loud, whoa, this is crazy. Whoa! girl, yours is wild. it's crazy how different they are. yo, it's all making sense. Is that why they call themselves the Maricope Counter Milk Hunters? Okay, you're about that. And why are they wearing completely different clothing? Whoa, whoa, whoa, what happened to women supporting women, bitch? Seriously, okay, we're cool with letting our nips fly sometimes, but maybe we're not as comfortable in thongs, and I'm looking at you, Cheeseburger. it's Chabagway. All right, listen, gang, we're knobby in a big way, okay? like our skin's blue, and I think we know how to use our tails. don't think we know. How long was I out? how long were we out, Dorita? you were not out.
Come on, Jake Sully. Wait, our queen is back. our queen is Neteri. Well, scream the lady alert. here we go. they come for our land. Neteri, Honey. they come for our people. Okay, all right, Hon. we Must Kill them. don't start crying. What are they doing? come on.
Get Open. Jake, get open. Jake, get Open.
I don't know what's happening. Vicki, Christine, you guys cannot be playing basketball right now. What? I need you to focus if we're ever going to catch the moles. You all right?
Jake. Jake Sully. come on, man. come on. you got to trust me. it's Me. it's me, Frito. I mean, Frito tape. Jake Sully.
Come on, man. it's them. I haven't seen two people playing basketball since I was living back on earth as a human being. this whole time and us two. dang it, Vicki. come on. Oh, shoot. dude, let's get out of here. Oh, my God. Jake. |
dropout | hitting_on_other_employees_like_bartenders | Hi, what can I get ya? Hey, um, you know what, I'm sorry, I'm still deciding. Pretty crowded in here, huh? Yeah, it's a bar. So what would you like? Uh, you know what, um, what's your favorite drink here? I wanna have whatever your favorite seasonal produce is.
So like, how'd you wind up doing this? Because, you know, I always thought, honestly, that I would make a really good police officer. Did you take one of those fun cop certification courses?
Initial here. You know what? You fill out a Roth IRA, too.
Come on, let's do one together. Don't make me do one alone.
So is it like your boyfriend, or? I know you're working, but we're locking eyes, like, every time you run down the sideline, right? What? It was starting to feel weirder to not say anything. Hey, can I plug my iPod in because there's a song on here you're gonna love? What are you in school for? Because this is clearly, like, a temporary thing that you're doing. Whoa!
That is a sick tattoo. You know, I was thinking of getting some work done myself. Who's your ink smith?
Oh, I was just reading this really smart article about whiskey. I was just reading this really smart article about food, about crime, about basketball, about, um, sorry, what are you doing again?
About? Cause. Good? Yeah.
Wow, what a jerk. I'm, like, take no for an answer, dude. I mean, this sucks to have to deal with guys like that all day, right?
Anyway, what time's your shift at? That'll be $5. Yeah, all right, no problem. Oh, oh, I forgot my wallet. So, uh, how's my credit here? Please leave. All right.
Hey, it's Pat from College Humor. Thanks so much for watching. Click here to subscribe to our YouTube channel, and here to watch more videos.
To entice you, I will now levitate. Not so fast, butt-head. All right, man. This would work if he wasn't doing this. |
cracked | the_truth_about_taking_guns_away_from_cops | Hello, the name's Constable Charlene, don't worry, I'm not going to shoot you, I don't even own a gun.
What? Why not?
Because luckily for you, my drunken tourist friend in 2021, American police shot and killed 1,054 people. Well, British police shot two. Whew! Good thing I got arrested here.
Did you know that, instead of interrogations, British police do interviews? We're not even allowed to lie to the suspect about the evidence we have. No guns? No interrogations?
This sounds like exactly the kind of woolly pinko nonsense I'd expect from a bunch of tea sipping dandies. Unlike the US model of law enforcement, we have a thing we call policing by consent. It states that constables are citizens in uniform, quote, who are paid to give full-time attention to duties which are incumbent upon every citizen in the interest of community welfare and existence. And basically, don't be a dick, but in old-timey language.
But if you can't lie or shoot every problem in the face, what can you do? Are you all like super-trained kung fu ninjas? Because if not, I'm about to get away with all the crimes. I wish. When I joined, all I got was 16 weeks of training, only three days of which centered on officer safety. Our weapons of war are an extendable metal stick called an asp and a tin of aggressive hairspray we call CS. It sounds like you'd be better off with Taco Bell sauce in a spray bottle. Oh my god, somebody call Taco Bell, I'm about to make a billion dollars. Well, they did technically teach us how to disarm suspects wielding the knives and guns, but honestly, the one lesson every half-decent carper learns is that the most important piece of officer safety equipment we have is talk. Training always hammered home de-escalation and Bintari's box.
That looks more like something a hippie would share on Facebook than police policy. Thankfully for your whole free body, it's what we bobbies use instead of guns to persuade six-foot-lumps of psychotic anger like you to put down the lamppost and sleep it off. But surely you'd like to have a gun, right? To make you feel safe and to have something to snuggle at night when you're cold and lonely. Given the option to carry a firearm on patrol, most London cops would emphatically refuse. Don't get me wrong, it's a fairly common topic of conversation, and there are always new young gung-ho types who think we need guns, but they're usually the exact kinds of people you don't want waving metal death-wangers around. I remember a grizzled old sweat listening to a young pup talking about how we should all be issued glocks at once. Son, no sensible authorized firearms officer would trust you with fucking string, let alone a shooter.
So that was that from his dreams of hot fuzz. But, okay, what do you do in an actual confrontation? Well, again, unlike in America, police in the UK are held accountable for each and every action. Ah, that sucks. If I get my ass out and wave it in a threatening manner, I legally have used force and had damn well better write some notes to justify it. If I ever so much as drew a taser from its holster and pointed it, best believe I'd be writing a novella's worth of notes. Fire the dreaded thing or use the CS, and my notes will take longer to finish than Winds of Winter. So you're saying using words lets you work less? I can get behind that, actually.
One time I was called to perform a welfare check on some lunk head in the park, and I walked up to a 6 foot plus guy, clearly agitated, who was watching children play football in the park while my radio chirped up with things like... Oh, he carries weapons? Very anti-police. Mental health issues took six officers to restrain him last time.
Now, this is why we fought that war. Anyway, backup was a ways out, and retreating was not an option because the subject was so close to the children. If you can't go big, you have to go subtle.
So I put my hands in my pockets and sauntered over. As soon as he saw my uniform, he went from 0 to 60. I could see now he wasn't much over 18. Also, he dropped his trousers and started shouting.
Well, go on then. fucking search me. I know you want to. Not really, squire. I was pretty much hoping not to have to take my hands out of my pockets today. You what? You got anything naughty on you? fucking search me. Find out. Your word's good enough for me. Got some folks here worried about you though.
Ain't you gonna cuff me up? Hadn't planned to. You wanna do anything that'll need cuffing? No.
Well then, all settled. Let's get you to a hospital, shall we? God, no handcuffs, no shouting, and no guns. What, did you stop for tea on the way to the hospital? A gentleman never tells. He got treatment at the local mental health wing. It was fine until the next time he went off his meds, which he did. And the next cops called and had it too big and the dude broke one of their arms and bit a finger. You clean off.
Hell yeah, brother. That's more like it.
But okay, if there's anything I've learned from right-wing YouTubers, it's that banning guns doesn't mean criminals won't get guns. And also that for a limited time only, I can get an incredible testosterone-building supplement for only $39.99 with promo code alpha-mail. Well, in my experience with shooters, they've always been brought in alive and very unhappy with their decisions. One silly boy decided to evade a search by shooting at task force on plain clothes cars. The shooter was in custody 16 hours later and one of the officers he had shot at dropped by and they had the kind of chat you'd expect from two geezers in the pub. But what if you already know they've got a gun?
Like it's an active situation. That's when we call in Trojan. The condoms? No. Basically our version of SWAT.
These boys and girls are incredibly well trained with a gun. If the wheels do come off, they are exactly the people you want coming over the hill. I would take a small handful of highly trained professionals over giving every copper a Glock and a few days training any day of the week. Speak for yourself. My cousin Gary can do some sick twirls with his Glock. That's my whole point. This system works because the majority of regular people just don't have guns. We don't have very many cousin Garys.
Oh man, you're lost.
On occasion there is an actual shooting and then we have a bit more to do but the active shooters and the mass shootings are so vanishingly rare as to be negligible. This is, I believe, wholly due to the fact that the UK had the tragedy of the Dublin shooting in which an unhinged shooter killed 16 children and one adult. But almost immediately we banned all handguns in private hands and severely restricted sales, use and carry. That was 20 years ago and there hasn't been a mass shooting since. That's probably why you guys suck at Olympic shooting events now.
A price I'm willing to pay. But seriously, don't you guys ever get injured or is it too hard to punch and fire machine guns with your pinkies sticking out? The vast majority of injuries on duty are from fists, feet, impacts with pavements and very occasionally knives and improvised weapons. Since no one is going to get shot, both cop and criminal can get into a good healthy fight. I love the fact that I never have to strap on a gun and make that kind of decision in the heat of the moment. Guns reduce very complicated decisions to the simplest of choices and that is something I am eternally glad I don't have to be a part of. So, are you saying you want to fight? Wouldn't want to hurt my pinky giving you a concussion. Oh, I'm American. We don't believe in concussions. |
TheOnion | Pigmaster_General_Porkin_Across_America_Ep_7 | My body may still be recovering from several draining pig organ transplants after I had my heart attack when I was skyping my way into my murdered niece's funeral, but I'm only one-fifth of the way through my pig odyssey. Next stop, the Cleveland Hog Fair, where this year I'm serving as the Honorable Pig Master General. Let's pork! The pork awaits in 50 states, and I'm not done until I hit them all. This is Porkin' Across America. Every year hundreds of pig owners come here to Cleveland hoping that their porker will be judged the King of the Fair. It is quite a privilege to judge these fine swine. Do you swear to judge these hogs to the best of your ability so help you God? Yes. By the power vested in me by the Ohio Pork Council, I name you Pig Haggerty, this year's Pig Master General.
Yeah!
It's Jim Haggerty. What'd I say? Pig. With a few hours before the big ceremony, I decided to cook up my fresh sausages on the Primo grills over at the fair's family meadows. Oh, thank you? Is this my pig's blood?
There's something wrong with it. I can't drink this anymore. It's disgusting.
Here, take it away. Hey, you see that sign?
This area is for family grilling only. I don't have a family. I have a TV show. America is my family. Okay, well you in America can find someplace else to cook. This area is for real families.
Come on. My wife just divorced me and had our dog killed. I mean, can I just grill these sausages here? What's this? Three dollars. Get outta here. You're upsetting my children. Go on. Ah, here we go.
A nice, no frills grill. Where we won't be bothered by a bunch of chattering families.
Ah, looks like the starter's off the hook. But, I always have some matches handy. You can see this one's a hot one. You can see the fumes coming right off it.
What happened? I think the grill just got a little too hot is all. Oh, just leave that. I think it's fused on there for now. Oh, what is that? Is that me?
I'm fine.
The hog fair is what's important. Time to go be the best, uh, pick the best hog, I mean. Next, it was time to meet the pigs.
What?
Jim Haggerty, I'm calling from bargain insurance to let you know your condo building collapsed. You need to move your possessions before the building is bulldozed.
Fine, I don't care. Excuse me, sir. Get outta here.
This area's for judges only. Oh, I'm much more than just a judge.
I'm Pig Master General Pig Haggerty. I'm here to check out the contestants. Oh, alright. I thought you was one of them pig freaks. Look at you. Oh, what a pretty pig, Caitlin. Who is this? This is Rachel taking it easy.
How you doing? And, and Lena? How are you?
I don't have an apple. It's your vitamin C. Well, I never seen them act like this before. They're treating you like you were part of the family.
Yes. Ain't that something? Yeah.
That one's named Jim. It's named Jim.
My meeting with the pigs gave me the love and confidence I needed to do my duty as Pig Master General. It was time to hit the stage. To crown this year's king pig, let's welcome Pig Master General, star of porkin' across America, Jim Haggerty. Hello, Cleveland, Ohio. Thank you for your hospitality. I, I, this has been a tough time for me with my divorce and the collapsing of my home, and my dog being murdered over the phone, and my niece being killed, and it was all my fault.
Okay, Jim. So, who's it gonna be? Well, they're all such beautiful pigs, and I should know because I've been traveling across the country eating more pigs than you can count on two hooves. But I choose Jim. Jim has chosen Jim as king pig. What's this for? You chose Jim.
Time to slaughter him and get ready for tonight's cookout. Oh, I thought I was just picking the best one. If anything, I thought that would save the pig. Now, what you want to do is slice it real fast along the neck so it will suffer less.
Go for it, Jim.
But he's brought so much joy to the fair. He's beautiful, intelligent, compassionate. We can't kill him. We should be celebrating him.
Just kill him, you stupid pig. This is wrong. Oh, I've done so many things wrong. What was I thinking, trying to win your respect when I should have been home with my family? You don't love me. You can't even love an innocent pig. It's important that you kill this pig. You people are monsters.
This show is over. I'm going home. It's okay, folks. Look!
You told me you were staying here. I'm not going to leave until you talk to me. Dave, please, I'm sorry. I came back to you like you wanted.
I realize that the love I need doesn't come from any show. It comes from you and the kids. I promise I'll never put pork above my family again. We're divorced. Now, get out of here, you monster. I'm not a monster. I'm just here to be the husband I should have been all along.
I'm sorry. I need you. I apologize. Get away or I'm calling the police.
It's just the skin and the nose. What is the biggest rock? I'm not telling you anything that every goddamn asshole don't already know. |
TheOnion | The_Onion_Reviews_The_Hobbit_The_Battle_Of_The_Five_Armies | I think you're trying to save your dwarvish friends, but it does not dissuade me from my course. You started this, me friend, dear. You will forgive me if I finish it.
This is Peter Rosenthal, head film critic for The Onion. Today, I'll be looking at The Hobbit, The Battle of the Five Armies, director Peter Jackson's final chapter of the Middle Earth fantasy trilogy, which, considering it had over 1,000 cast and crew living together for over nine months, you just have to assume was a veritable fuckfest behind the scenes. I mean, when you work on a film set, you fuck. Just how it is. The Battle of the Five Armies finds Bilbo Baggins and his companions facing off against the dragon Smaug.
And it seems pretty reasonable to assume that in this scene, for instance, where hundreds of dwarves and lake men square off against a sea of goblins, wargs, and bats, a bunch of these actors were fucking when the cameras weren't rolling. Just look at the sheer number of people here. Most of that isn't CGI. These are real actors with real sexual appetites. So, you know, at least, say, 10% of them are banging somebody on set. And that's not even counting the ones who are simply fantasizing about fucking in between takes or even during their scenes.
Your mind wanders, you know. It's not hard to imagine how sexual tension develops. Think about how long it takes to apply orc makeup. Four hours at least, day in, day out. What do you think a makeup artist and an actor talk about for that much time?
Oh, I guarantee it gets personal. Very personal. And getting worked on in the makeup chair is one of the most sensual experiences there is. Just imagine what it feels like to have an elf ear prosthetic delicately fitted over your own ear. When was the last time another human being touched you with so much attention? I don't care how professional you are, you get turned on and you need some release.
In fact, every dwarf or orc you see in this film has almost certainly had sex, sometimes nasty sex, with a caterer or gaffer or fellow actor. Think about it. They're in picturesque New Zealand, thousands of miles from their spouses. They have hours to kill between takes. What are they supposed to do? Jerk off in their separate trailers when they're surrounded by dozens of willing and eager partners? Not a fucking chance. After all, the film industry is filled with attractive, open-minded people who are driven as hell and need to blow off some steam. You think if you put people as hot as Orlando Bloom and Cate Blanchett in the same room, they aren't gonna fuck each other's brains out eventually?
They're seasoned professionals. They know the rules. They know it doesn't count on set. The truth is, when the cameras stop rolling, all bets are off. I can't even begin to count the number of staffers I've slept with over the years. Grips, lighting techs, the woman that runs the prompter. It's the same on every set.
I'm very attracted to our new director of photography, for instance. It's hot to know that she's watching me so intently. Am I physically aroused right now?
Perhaps. Has my mind wandered to fantasies of going down on her in the green room during this very film standard? Maybe.
Has it affected my performance? Obviously not one bit, because again, we're professionals. You shoot, you fuck around a little bit. You go home. For the Onions Film Standard, I'm Peter Rosenthal. |
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