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cracked | if_beer_ads_were_forced_to_be_honest_beer_commercial_parody | Carp's signature summer ales. When friends gather, tradition, craftsmanship, and quality blend together into an affordable brain and liver poison, we're sure you'll love. Because it's chemically dependence-forming in a portion of the population, every bottle of carps is guaranteed to kill enough of your brain to impair your fine motor control, inhibitions, and judgment, but not enough to kill you.
Unless you drink enough of it, and actually it's not even that much you have to drink. It tastes okay. How do we do it? We combine quality ingredients with small animals called yeast and a slurry of grain and water.
They eat it and poop out the poison. Smooth, authentic poison. Then we seal them in a dark, airless container so they drown in their own poop, which we drink. Their rotting corpses form the bubbles. That's addictive liver brain poison the way your grandfather used to order it. My family's proud of our long tradition of making fine gut poison. Carp's all natural.
It'll make you feel different than you usually do, in a good way. But then the next day it'll feel like you were poisoned, which you were.
So don't be surprised or complain to us about it. I'm Roger, by the way. I've sent off all your purchases all October long.
If you don't like this shirt, that's fine. There are other shirts. This is Nikola Tesla. It's also a woman's shirt that I grabbed by accident. He died a virgin, probably because he didn't have a fly ass shirt like this to attract the honeys, but you hate it. That's fighting too. There are others. Oh, this was planned. This is another woman's shirt. It's Blues Brothers reservoir dogs.
You can have it. You can buy it. Promo code fan. This is Theodore Roosevelt. He didn't die a virgin at all because he had this face his whole life and you can have it too. And if you don't like it, that's also fine because this is a thesaurus shirt. And it's really cool and dinosaurs went extinct and you could learn a bunch of other words for extinct from a thesaurus or you just walk around this and impress people.
But there's more. There's more.
There's no more. This is it. Use promo code Dan. 15% off all October long. That's it. |
cracked | tinder_vs_okcupid_3_important_differences_rom_com | I don't understand. I use your dating website. Why'd you bring me in here to use Kindlin? Market research? We want to get a sense of what your experience is like with our competitors. I heard Kindlin was just for hookups. That's not really my... This robot's just for hookups?
Asian. Asian nurse.
It doesn't work that way. It obviously doesn't work that way.
It's really clean and simple looking. It's hard to let people know what I'm like. Not a lot of room for hobbies or Pinterests.
Swipe right if you like what you see. Swipe left if you don't. If two people swipe right at each other, then you'll be allowed to chat. No unwanted messages get in.
Oh. Uh... Swipe left for no? That felt amazing. I wanted the bad thing gone and now it's gone. Yes. Yes, yes, yes, yes. It's weird. I know I have the option to look at their info and more pictures, but they just make it so easy to... Oh, shit. I did not know I was just doing that. Sure.
I feel like a Roman emperor just sending things away. Sending people away. The things are people.
Are you trying to swipe me away? No. Look, I know we're supposed to be competing, but it's lunch, so... Can we talk about how stupid kindling is?
Why does everyone list their height in their about me section? And they'll post links to their Instagram? There's a bunch of bizarrely specific...
That reminds me. Shut up. I'm gonna find your profile. Good luck.
It's not as simple as just... Sound it. Let's see. Now, what the God hell damn year was that photo taken? You are supposed to put a variety of pictures up to give a broad overview. Sure, but...
Don't you think your potential date will be a little bit mad when he realizes you're no longer a 19-year-old swimmer with long, horrible hair? You're allowed to do stuff like that when you're a dude dating other dudes. The rules are different. This is your about me?
Hey, I was born in Amherst, Massachusetts. Now I'm in LA. I love hiking and my dog. And I'm looking for a guy who's down for some stimulating conversation and art films but also has a silly side.
I am six foot three. What? I am six foot three.
Silly side? Everyone says that. Silly side.
No one sounds like themselves in their dating profile. You'll see. I'll find... Little miss thinks she's... How do you search for straight people?
Got it! I am a driven and goal-oriented person who is fully employed, seeking same. I'm originally from Seattle, but I lived in Brooklyn for a number of years. My favorite TV show is X-Files and I will not go see your improv show. Profiles in general are difficult because there is a desire to be authentic. That you need to reconcile with whatever it is you think other people want.
What else? Dogs are better than cats. Candy is for adults.
And my favorite karaoke song is...
And we have reached the character limit that I didn't know existed. Forgot about Dre. That's what I would have added. I ran out.
Nowadays everybody want to talk. Like they got something to say, but no don't come back. You could have just edited stuff out when you reached the limit. It's a cliffhanger. It makes people want to know more.
Like, what is her favorite karaoke song? And who's her favorite person to remind people about whom not to forget? And when she runs around talking about...
I'm sorry. You've reached the character limit on this actual real life conversation. You're scaring away all your potential molders. Please.
Look at her dating history. Scully obviously should have ended up with Skinner.
And call... Hey. You're not listening. Huh? Oh. Man, it's... You know?
Holy cats! That's it! Come on, Max! Let's go! Holy cats. Yes. Max. Arms! Excited!
I'm doing it. Yeah. I need you on my level. Come on. I'm there with you, man. Here you are. Look, I'm doing it. Just... Okay. Okay, I'm coming.
It's ruining nightlife. Imagine a bar full of people, but instead of talking or interacting, they're all just pawing at their phones.
Like a bunch of zombies with paws. Like a bunch of dead zombie puppies.
People still meet at bars, ale houses, and disco techs. Say, meet me at the blind pig for a jaunt. Disgusting. Where did you meet your husband?
At sea in a storm.
Like all the cool gods did. The point is that everyone's interacting with the Kindle app, but it's so addicting to play it that there's not enough of an incentive to commit to anything. We've been trying to keep up with Kindlin to take away their market, but I think we need to distance ourselves. We brand. People who use fine love look like me or you. Hardworking professionals. Passionate tastemakers. Sexual dynamite running around town, remembering about Dre. People who use Kindlin look like this.
Huh? What? Hey, wait a minute. Why'd you bring me in here?
Is this what we want the future of dating to look like? This is what a Kindlin user does. And people who met on our site are actual couples that have lasted. They do fun stuff. Horseback riding.
Avoiding improv shows. God, you hate improv. Oh, give us an example of a situation and a time. Don't make me work for my entertainment. Come up with something yourself.
What is this strategy? New commercials. New branding on the site.
Testimonials from couples that have met on fine love and have lasted.
It's the one thing Kindlin doesn't have. I like it. All of it. Making Kindlin look childish using Max as an unwilling prop in your presentation.
Hey, yeah. Do it. You have 24 hours. What? Really? No. No, I suppose not. You have some amount of time that's reasonable. Fine. Do it.
Congratulations, Josie. Josie!
If this succeeds, you can have Max's office. I don't have one. Fine. Some of his things, then. I don't care. The point is he'll be fired.
Guys, thank you so much for watching rom.com. Make sure that you subscribe to watch more videos. Yep.
And we pointed out in this episode that a lot of people share their Instagram information and their heights in their profiles. What are some other bizarrely specific things that you've found are common to all online dating? |
TheOnion | The_Booker_Monroe_Story_The_First_African_American_To_Use_A_Whites_Only_Glory_Hole | Although he is mentioned in few textbooks, Booker Monroe made history in 1965 as the first African American to use a whites-only glory hole. Despite white glory holes having better funding, maintenance, and sanitation, racial segregation of public utilities was upheld under the Supreme Court until the 1954 ruling of Brown v. the Board of Education. But just because this law was overturned doesn't mean integration was accepted.
I was terrified. I mean, it seems like that first day, all the white people in town came out to protest me. Men, women, even children. And they were all screaming, go back to your own glory hole. I remember my husband said to me, Ethel, I don't know if I'm brave enough to put my penis in the white man's hole. And I took his hand in mine and I said, you have to, because it's time to make a change.
Booker's use of the whites-only glory hole was so controversial that the segregationist governor even called in the National Guard to stop him, forcing President Lyndon B. Johnson to send in federal troopers to escort Monroe to the glory hole. Said Johnson, I have commissioned the United States 102nd Airborne Division in an effort to escort Booker Monroe in order to preserve his safety as we strive for greater equality in this nation. It is Mr. Monroe's right as an American to use this glory hole. Finally, on Wednesday, August 4, 1965, Booker Monroe was able to break down a centuries-old barrier and become the first black man to use a glory hole that people of all races can use today. |
programmersarealsohuman | interview_with_a_gnu_linux_user_cd_2 | Okay, so let's start. What is going on?
I will not speak to make a broadcast that is not being viewed with free software. Please don't watch this on your Macbook.
When I was a PhD, I failed all of my essays. It said clearly. This essay is useful but without warranty.
Yes, supply with tea and milk, tea with milk and sugar would be nice. If it's a tea I really like, without milk and sugar please. Can you tell me what's in there?
I will have to reject that drink. The Pepsi is also a closed recipe. No, leave the Pepsi.
When I did start using Ubuntu based distros, after about four years I decided to use Mint and it's vastly superior cinema desktop. I am back on PC Linux OS, which I ran a lot in the early 2010s because I was never a fan of systemd.
Now let me tell you.
Slow boot time. Ubuntu needs almost twice as long to boot as MX Linux and thrice as long as puppy Linux and four times as long as slide test and five times as long as user unfriendly. When I tried logging in into Ubuntu for the first time, Ubuntu kept rejecting my password. Probably there was something wrong with the keyboard, settings being defaulted or I just forgot it.
Whatever. It was awful.
Growing frustrated, I switched to Kali Linux. Kali Linux also had problems, like the sound not working out of the box, but these things were easily to fix with one or two weeks of internet searches. After a few years of internet searches. The display started blinking, Kali Linux started screen flickering, screen not appearing when opening my laptop, laptop not appearing when opening my stream.
So then I obviously switched to MX Linux, obviously. Then after getting a light taste of the lightweight distro, I decided to go minimalist and switch to Pop OS. Then I joined the North Korean friendship organization, switched to Red Star OS.
I'm not going to lie. It's a great OS. No need to worry about encryption certificates, as HTTPS is forbidden. I won't forget my password. I can just ask the government. I left because it has some spyware deep inside, but it's done pretty elegantly. It doesn't bloat the OS. Microsoft has something to learn here.
Then I went to Cuba, switched to Nova. Now I am in China. I am using Kylan. Your country is only ever truly free if it has its own OS. I should declare my own state.
I mean OS. Then I watched too much Nickelodeon. Switched to Hannah Montana OS. Weird distro. Still better than Windows. Luckily, taste changed. I switched to Bibyan. Of course, on servers, I still use Railbase distros, but I do still have Peppermint OS. Then when Bitcoin rallied, I switched to Lambo OS. Had some health problems, switched my diet, went for Coconut OS, but that wasn't good for me. So now I'm using Papaya OS. A distro for each personality.
Why not? What's with the hat? It's a fedora.
Now I'm using Gen 2. It's the only true Linux. I mean GNU slash, I mean, why is this so hard?
I am the open RC gang. As a contrary, I have extreme opinions despite being educated. I spend a lot of time on 4chan. I don't want to hear more about the virus.
No, I use Linux. I mean GNU Linux. I mean, that's how I boot my PC nowadays.
It's like the sound of a Diet Pepsi. What do I use nowadays? Oh, is that a question? I use art by the way. Rolling basses. Never breaks like most people say. What is going on? |
dropout | don_t_laugh_news_bed_bug_alert | Lil' Dairy, Lil' Daisy Creamers. And Whelan Fatback Wieners.
Oh shit. From West Hollywood, California, the only news team that doesn't know what's on the teleprompter before they read it. Anyone who laughs or breaks loses points. This is Breaking News. Welcome to Breaking News, the show where we don't know what we're about to say, and we aren't allowed to smile or laugh.
I'm Bob Sauce. And I'm Bob Sauce.
Tonight, a big upset for anyone looking to buy mattresses? Mattresses? You better believe it. I don't. Well, start.
Okay, local mattress retailer, AssKing, discovered a little bed bug infestation in the padding of their California AssKing mattress. Now, Sauce, is that the same infestation that affected their twin AssKings last fall? The very same AssKing infestation. Now, regarding this infestation, uh-huh, what can consumers do to make sure their own mattresses aren't ass-affected? Interestingly, a California native species of spider is said to be the best way to fully examine, exterminate bed bugs. They are friendly to humans, but love those little bugs. Little bugs. Now, don't you think, Sauce, that the solution will create a big spider infestation?
Hey, one problem at a time, am I right? Now, to throw it over to weather. Hi, hi, I am the weather person. This is the weather update.
Winds are moving in due east, so if you're trying to dump your AssKings, be sure to do it before the wind strikes. Dump our AssKings? You have to pause for a stupid amount of time. Dump your AssKings!
Thanks all, back to you. Thanks, Saucy. Ooh, this just in, a breaking news alert from our senior correspondent, Little Shitty Canole, Little Shitty. Thanks, Sauces. It appears that in response to the AssKing mattress crisis, congressional representative Todd Dungass is issuing a ban on newly illicit substances said to attract bed bugs. The complete list is as follows. |
TheBetootaAdvocate | Betoota_Podcast_Ep120_Jackie_Trad_MP | You're listening to Errol Parker and Clancy Overall, editors of The Batooter Advocate on Desert Rock FM. Welcome back to The Batooter Advocate radio show recording live here from downtown Batooter in the old city district and there's a lot going on in the world today, you're joined by myself, Clancy Overall and of course Errol Parker, how are you Errol?
Good mate. We've got a lot going on in the world, we've got JobKeeper getting extended and reduced and we've got Labour identity crisis at the federal level, we've got a lot going on, everyone seems to be forgetting that there is an election coming up in Queensland at the state level. To talk about that today, we've invited a guest in from I guess the Tuscan-like plains of South Brisbane, she's been in the media a lot recently, Jackie Trad thank you for joining us. Thank you very much for having me Clancy and Errol. It's nice to talk to you Jackie.
Now how are things feeling right now in Queensland, like in South East Queensland anyway? Obviously out in the bush, no one really has felt this that much apart from probably a few FIFO industries were kind of missing out on a lot of workers early days and you know there were a few other restrictions that carried all the way out. We've got people, pubs in Orgathella and even Batooter signing in before they go to the pub and obviously the grey nomads and the tourism has disappeared in the bush but other than that we don't have that feeling of intense lockdown that you may have in Brisbane. How is the feeling?
I think most people are looking at what's happening in Victoria with a lot of concern and they're very grateful that we took swift early action in Queensland so I'm getting really good feedback around the type of things that we did early in Queensland. Of course we were the first jurisdiction to announce a public health emergency and Anastasia's been just terrific leading that response with Stephen Miles, the Health Minister and Deputy Premier. So look I think everyone's been very pleased with the government's response, everyone's done the right thing in terms of maintaining social distance but even if you're in the north or in the west I think Queenslanders are united, they don't want to see a spread of coronavirus throughout the state.
No I don't think anyone does Jackie, which kind of leads us to our next question.
Can you take us a bit inside what happened behind closed doors when you decided to lock the rest of the country out and when you decided to let the rest of the country back in last week except of course for the people of the cold south in Victoria. And some New South Wales hotspots. The cold southwest of Sydney.
Yes that's right.
As you know Queenslanders, they have a particular disposition when it comes to New South Welshman so I think we, a lot of people were very grateful that our borders were secure in order to make sure that we just didn't get a spread. Look we, the Premier and the Health Minister have been working lockstep with the Chief Health Officer Jeanette Young in Queensland, she's probably one of the most experienced Chief Health Officers in Australia. Her advice has been absolutely spot on and because of that and because of the great teamwork here in Queensland, the decision to close the borders was very swift, it was very early, we were the first jurisdiction to do that and other jurisdictions followed. And sure, we copped a lot of flak, the Premier particularly copped a lot of flak, but there's been I think subsequent apologies and recognition that that was the right thing to do. I don't know how closely you work with the Attorney General of Queensland but I just wanted to know if you're still waiting for Pauline Hanson to take you down to the High Court to make you reopen the borders.
You know, did any paperwork actually come through? Well, they gave it a red hot go, but I think it sort of stumbled once we saw an outbreak in Victoria. So that's, I think that speaks volumes for the type of challenge that it was. It was all a political stunt, right? And I think you also saw the federal government join in on that front. So I think it was, I think it was pretty poor form to want to spend a lot of taxpayer dollars on something that was always going to be, I think, futile. But in the end, I think rather than accept the scientific advice, rather than accept the medical advice, people were just political point scoring and you expect that in election year, right?
Do you feel vindicated? Does it feel good to be vindicated by, I mean, obviously no one wants to be vindicated, but like, you know, it feels good to shut her up.
Look, I certainly think that the Premier was due the apology she got from Stefanovic. Yeah. Okay. Well, it's good that Carl Stefanovic can play the role as spokesperson for the One Nation Party that he platforms every week.
Anyway, not anymore though, not anymore. No, it's only Channel 7.
Speaking of kind of, I guess, populism in the news and populism in politics, for some reason you are in the cross hairs quite a lot and accused of this yourself. Particularly, I mean, there would be people listening to this podcast right now from more rural areas of Queensland who probably haven't even heard you say anything right now that makes them angry, but they're angry that we're talking to you. So it's a two part question. One, why are you quite often given the jobs as the, you know, member of the Queensland cabinet to deal with so many issues in the bush? Because the moment they hear the word West End and Labour left, they probably get angry to begin with. Yeah. There are lots of farmers out there who hear those words and associate that with a person who can't tell them that they can't run a chain between two D9s and clear a thousand acres out the back of Roma. Don't trad on me was a sign that was getting around a lot during the ECCA a couple of years ago. Why is it that you are running point on so many of these regional issues? To be frank, I don't think I have in recent times.
I think that this has been a political campaign and there are quite clearly, I think, those people who are attached to political parties who want to use, I guess, the Labour Party's position on a number of things, whether that's land clearing, tree clearing, whether it's about improving regulations around the water runoff into the reef. They want to devalue it in a way, to dismiss it as part of the culture wars as opposed to something that we ought to do as a community and as a society if we want to see, you know, if we want to reduce emissions, if we want the Great Barrier Reef to survive, if we want to do all these sorts of things. But I will say this, and that is that I don't think it's solely landholders that have the obligation and the responsibility around the things that we're talking about. You know, like we all live in a community where we consume stuff that requires the working of land. And so as consumers, we need to think better around that. As people who use cars and contribute to carbon emissions, we need to think about our energy footprint. So I do want to say that I think the polarizing part of the debate, where it's about focusing in on people and what they do on the land as landholders, as opposed to what we all do as a community and society has been unfair.
And that's certainly not the position that I take. Do you ever pick up a, you know, a copy of the Courier Mail and think, what are they saying about me now? So thankfully, because we do live in the digital age, I can get I can get a lot of news bulletins online and I do get alerts. So, yeah, you know, quite clearly there's been views, whether that's conservatives using mainstream media outlets that want to put those positions. But at the end of the day, that's what you sign up for in a public life, I suppose. Now, you mentioned before you're talking about kind of a multifaceted economy, which is refreshing to hear from a Labour Party MP to kind of talk about those different things.
But that perhaps that comes from your upbringing in a small business owner family in the Gabba. Yeah, you would have dealt a lot with, I guess. I mean, what was your family's operation there? So like a lot of migrants, it was in fruit and vegetable retail. So it was a small family business. You know, Mum and Dad did have employees, but it was predominantly a family run small business.
So for many years at the Gabba, just across from the Mighty Gabba Stadium. So what was formerly known as the Gabba Fiveways? So just a little bit up from the Gabba Fiveways, actually.
I think we had a big bicycle shop there now. That's going back a long time. It's going back a long way. Laser force. Yeah, so I remember when the freeway was built and, you know, it was a big deal. It really did, I think, divide up the Gabba and really erode its high street cultural identity.
And like many other prominent Queensland politicians before you, your family were of Lebanese background. I mean, we're talking specifically the member of Kennedy, but also, you know, there's been plenty of kind of Lebanese. Maronite family? Yep, yep, yep, Maronite family.
And so were your parents migrants or are you second generation? I'm second generation. So mum and dad came out. Dad came first and then mum came a number of years later. So and dad chose East Brisbane to buy his first house and that's where we all grew up.
Well, I suppose, you know, they do call Brisbane the Beirut of Australia. I mean, you know, like they are, you know, they're both on the coast. They have a rich history. You know, the weather's largely the same, except I suppose you could say it's a bit more humid down there in Brisbane. But yet they do have quite a similar vibe, in my opinion. Can I say I've been to Beirut and I'm not sure that they're having fun.
But that was in about 2007. No, the Brisbane's the Beirut of Australia and Beirut's the Paris of the Mediterranean. Yeah, the Middle East. Yeah.
And what's Batutah? Batutah is, I guess you'd say, it's the jewel of the Diamantina.
Yeah, it's Australia's Australia. Yeah, it's Queensland's largest inland port down there on the Diamantina River. Beautiful.
Now, did that kind of upbringing, did that lead you to politics or, you know, as it instructed a lot of your personal or political values, because you often do hear that Albanese, Plibersek say similar things and they say that's what led them to the Labour Party. Yeah, we always had, well, I grew up with Dad always talking about politics with his brothers. So he had a number of brothers and, you know, cousins and stuff. And of course, this was at the time of the Bajaki-Peterson government, but there was also a civil war in Lebanon. So there was always something to talk about in a political sense, I suppose. So I grew up around it and I think it was a huge contributor, huge contributor to me taking an active interest in politics, in current affairs and what was happening in the world around me. And it shaped my thinking. So, yes, it was a big factor in drawing me to a political life.
Is that something that you kind of was introduced to you really at university? I do notice that you did go to Griffith, which is, you know, a real hotbed of the left-wing ideas in Brisbane. You know, so that's in terms of universities in Brisbane.
That's definitely the 4-triple-Z, you know. Well, 4-triple-Z came from UQ.
Yeah, but UQ has changed a lot. They've inserted so much overseas money into that university.
It doesn't know where it is now. She can't cut that on the head. Well, yeah, as we saw in 4-triple-Z, it's not, you know, it's not, you know.
So, Griffith, look, Griffith, it's a great university. I really valued my education at Griffith University.
You know, it did, there was lots of critical thinking. There was lots of challenges around how we perceive the world. And I thought it was a great education.
And it's a real shame. The type of undergraduate degree that I did is now going to be attracting such a significant increase in fees because of the Morrison government's decision. So, that's really disappointing. And I know it's going to hit a lot of young students quite hard.
Do you think that's because the government doesn't want young kids to grow up and think, you know, that they can become things like a journalist and, you know, perhaps write things that the government doesn't really like? Well, I just think it indicates that they don't value those types of courses. They don't value critical thinking. They don't value the role that a broad-based education plays.
I do think that we always need to produce people who are obviously not only skilled and can build our cities and maintain our cities and our economy and can contribute in whatever professional sense that they can, but we also need critical thinkers, I think. And, you know, I think that's Australia's background, right? I think that's our ethos from the Eureka Stockade to arbitration system to the way our federation was set up and the real sense of egalitarianism and not just transposing British culture and British class society into Australia. We've always been critical and wanting to develop our own cultural identity, right? So, I just think it's a natural extension that we should want our kids, want our population, want our voters to be good critical thinkers. So, what you're saying is not everyone in Australia can be a multimillion dollar glass balustrade installation professional from the Cronulla Shire?
No, but you see, the key difference is that there are people like that who are having a go and then our society is rewarding them by giving them a go. That's the key ethos that underpins this current government, is that perhaps if you've got a degree in, you know, art criticism, you're not really having a go. I mean, because it's not, you know, a real job, so you don't get a go. But if you do like a...
Sure, but jobs in the creative industries is one of the fastest growing areas of job creation or wars before coronavirus.
Anastasia got Tom Hanks, she got Tom Hanks for Queensland. 100%, 100%. Got him there twice.
So, you know, and the federal government's just announced money for attracting the film industry to Australia. So, on the one hand, you're saying these courses don't matter, but on the other hand, you're actually making, putting taxpayer funds into these industries in order to create more economic diversity.
So, it doesn't, what they're saying and what they're doing doesn't match up. And it's just fitting into the cultural wall, right? Yeah. You don't, so you don't think that labour is 100% opposed to goes. To what? To just goes in general. Because that would be the current rhetoric, is that labour doesn't like goes. Yeah.
And do you think a go is easier to acquire under a labour government? Because, you know, everyone needs to have a go in life. I just think that Scott Morrison makes it a bit easier, you know, those Ascot types with the weak jawlines who, you know, go to those types of schools. I think he makes it easier for them to go to these schools and to get goes, where I think it would be a fair assumption to say that under a labour government, it is easier to get a go and goes are more widespread.
We love giving goes away.
Okay. Yeah. Yep. Okay. Goes are very important. Okay. All right, sweet. Well, it's good.
It's good that everyone gets a go under both governments. Both major parties are willing to give a go to anyone.
Okay, we've crossed that bridge. Well, totally.
And, you know, I mean, coming from Batuta, you guys would know that young people in Batuta might not have as many opportunities to get a go as other people. So, you know, what goes in South East Queensland will not be the same as what goes in the Diamantina Shire.
Newsflash. Yeah, I know.
And it's good to see Labour's starting to see that. Now, we were once a safe Labour seat when, you know, we had Shearers out here that weren't Kiwi citizens. But now things have changed a lot and we've got, federally, we've got Little Proud and we've got Mr. Miller at a state level.
Can you tell me a little bit about the factions in politics now? Because you see different members of different parties in Queensland, in the One House of Queensland, and they all seem like they could be from different parties. You know, there's progressives in the LNP in Queensland who might look even like they're more closely aligned to you than they are to Deb. And then there's conservatives in your party. Do you find that it's hard to be an individual as well in state politics in Queensland?
Well, I think it's very interesting that we're having this discussion today, because obviously you've seen the news that the father of the LNP has been dumped from the LNP executive council, Lawrence Brimbrook. So, the bawl, he's gone. It's very sad.
But I do think that what that really indicates is that inside the LNP, and you would have seen their ill-fated leadership challenge that occurred just about a month ago, too, against Deb Recklington. So, what you have, I think, inside the LNP is a real internal tussle for authority within the party. Now, I think Deb exercised that authority, but I don't think she's actually fully delivered in terms of the organisation itself. So, I think within the LNP, what you have is a split between the organisational arm with the parliamentary party.
And also the LNP, let's be clear, there's no Liberals in Queensland anymore. There might be Liberals, traditional Liberals, but the LNP, that's all been all of those sort of Liberal Party people who did agree with environmental policy or did agree with social policy. Some of them recently voted to take abortion out of the criminal code, for example. They got persecuted by their own party for exercising a conscience and for being true, I think, to their liberal values. Yeah, I think what you see in Queensland is not the same as New South Wales, where there is a Liberal Party, or Victoria, where there is an actual Liberal Party. There are no more Liberals within Queensland. It's all been absorbed within the LNP. So, when do you think that change happened? There were people in the Queensland LNP who had died in the wall, you know, just true blue Aussie Liberals, you know, like Howard's Battlers.
And now they seem to be, you know, this collection of people who like to put a social issue before everything else. Oh, I think it's been, I don't think it's been on a set date. I think it has been evolving over a number of years.
But it's really clear that there are, you know, those within the LNP who are very rigid, very extreme in their views around how society should be structured and what role women should play, for example. And it's those people who are trying to muscle up and exercise a level of authority. And they're certainly the players that got stuck into Deb a little while ago.
So, do you find, like the personal freedoms that the Liberals once stood for, apart from when they took our guns away, they were quite big on, you know, the individual right and, you know, almost, I mean, a light libertarianism, that's all been kind of replaced by some sort of flat earth, a Christian creative science nonsense? A hundred percent. I think, well, I'm just putting it as it is.
I mean, what you do have in Queensland is people who are prepared, quite frankly, to, we have an LNP that wants to establish an anti-science task force in order to test out the scientific rigour of the CSIRO or departments within the state government agencies. They do not want to accept the science. So, if they can establish an anti-science agency, then they've got some background to their lunacy, some sort of, I think, you know, third party endorsement to their lunacy.
Do you think this has come out of their base? Are these people representative of the people who are electing them? Like, is that where the change could have happened? Like, do you think that these are the views of, you know, common Queenslanders who think that we do need to take a second look into the science behind the bleaching of the Great Barrier Reef? I think a vast majority of Australians actually do believe in the science. I think where the tension is, is how do we address the things that we need to in order to make sure that our economy thrives and everybody within the economy thrives and we protect the Great Barrier Reef or protect the environment? I just think it's a convenient and opportunistic excuse for a political party like the LNP to rather than engage in the hard work that's required, just blame the science or question the science. Can I ask you what your opinion was on the anti-Adani caravan, you know, that at the federal election, we saw a bunch of people from, you know, Victoria and New South Wales convoy up to central Queensland to basically tell them that they don't need jobs. They can basically go without this giant project that was going to inject millions of dollars into the local, state and federal economies. Do you think that was the right thing to do? Like, say, for example, if sort of Bob Brown coming into central Queensland and telling people how to think? So, Errol, after the federal election, I think it's fair to say that a lot of people were really confused and a lot of people were really sad and depressed about the outcome, quite frankly, because they thought that this was an election where we could get a national policy setting around climate change and we just failed, right? I think the convoy played a role in that, quite frankly. I did think the convoy, and I said this, I published on Facebook, my position around this, I don't think it did any good to have people from outside the state, outside local communities, driving into local communities and saying, and blaming them, saying, you're the reason for climate change, you have to, you're the ones who need to change and not looking at what they themselves are contributing. I mean, it is quite ironic, I think, that they were all in cars driving up to central Queensland to deliver a message around carbon emissions when they were contributing to carbon emissions through their convoy. And that sort of divisive politics is what's stopping us from advancing as a nation on climate change and on economic inclusion and equality. Yeah. Well, as we saw in the fallout of that election, a lot of people around the country who weren't pleased with the result, they were blaming Queensland. Do you think that they were right in doing that?
Or is this just another case of people around the country looking to Queensland as a whipping boy for something? So there was all of that angst directed to Queensland, I think, again, was I think it's just simplistic and it was opportunistic. There are real structural issues in terms of regional economies, and you guys would see it in Petuta, but it's happening everywhere, whether that's mining companies not building towns anymore, but just having FIFO workers and Dido workers. Communities are really suffering from a different way of doing business in regional Queensland and regional economies.
And that's creating a lot of anxiety and fear. For example, there's many large companies, many mining companies that put their workforce on contract labour. So they're not taking up any of the liability when it comes to proper wages and conditions and holiday pay and sick leave and all of that sort of stuff. So they're transferring that risk. And a lot of these workers are in insecure work. They're hired on casual rates. They don't get the type of proper leave arrangements and conditions and entitlements that most other Australians enjoy. And that's leading to a level of anxiety.
So by people in other states not actually understanding what's happening in regional Queensland and just simply blaming them for a particular outcome, I think it's rubbish. And one of the best analysis, I have to say, around what happened in Queensland during the last federal election was written by, I think it's Blaine Leek who wrote for The Monthly. And he did a really long essay and it was titled How Good is Queensland? And he went around and he talked to people in regional Queensland at depth, in depth around what they felt during the federal election. And I think it was really, I think it was really useful. There's a lot of concern out there and those concerns need to be understood if we're going to move forward.
I mean, you're also dealing with I mean, obviously, labour is an underdog in many capacity, even when they're in power, purely because of the third parties that are more aligned with the LNP or the Liberals. Namely, obviously, you've got the 70% of the Australian media market is owned by a man in New York who doesn't have much time for you or your movement. And then, of course, you've got Clive Palmer, who is throwing himself in the mix with no intention of ever getting elected.
And the Greens. And of course, the Greens who still have your votes.
But now we've got this funny scenario now where Anastasia Palaszczuk, who, after the federal election result, was put on the front page of a Murdoch newspaper in Queensland, where they put her in a crosshair and said, you're next. And she, in the face of all of that, and we are an apolitical organisation, but we have to say we are impressed by the fact that she's still polling better than Deb Frecklington. Do you have to say, like, what do you have to say about that? Is the LNP in Queensland that shit that they can't win with all the odds in their favour? I think that's testament to the type of strong leader that Anastasia is. I mean, in this business and there's evidence of this right across the board, you get attacked from every quarter and it doesn't, it's pretty, I think it's pretty rattling to wake up in the morning and see your face with a crosshair over the top, superimposed with that sort of messaging. That paper did publish an apology, but, you know, quite frankly, it was, it was outrageous and it should never have gotten through the editorial decision making. Anyway, so Anastasia stood up to that type of, I would say, intimidation. And here she is today and she's leading this state and she's done just the best job around the coronavirus. So I think more than anything, it's, it's a testament to the type of leader she is.
Yeah, because I think the front pages of the Courier Mail have really regressed a lot since, you know, those days where they used to put, what's his name, Peter Beattie. But that was probably a Courier Mail highlight was when Kevin announced Peter Beattie was running for a seat at the last Labor, Labor's outgoing election. And they put Peter Beattie in a full clown costume and said, bring in the clown.
That was, that was some good editorial work there. Also, Luke Foley, New South Wales, when they called him Luke Foliage and made him a koala on a tree because he was, he was trying to protect their sanctuaries in the mid-north coast. There's some good journalism out there.
Obviously, we make up part of that. We're not owned by Murdoch, but we have been critical of you, Jackie. We've referred to you as a modern day Russell Hinns.
And we've called the Queensland Premier, Joanna, which was all part of it when it came to the laws for arresting protesters. Now, how did you feel about that during those Extinction Rebellion protests when your own government was passing laws to, to lock up protesters? When we know once upon a time and, and probably very recently you were on the front line yourself protesting certain things in the street as a law abiding demonstrator. Do you, did you ever get arrested protesting against Joe? I didn't get arrested protesting against Joe. I'm just a little bit too young for Joe Bjorki-Petersen. Well, I will tell you, my first protest was against the Federal Labor Government, Hawke.
Oh, okay. Oh, and that was about the introduction of Hex. Hex, yeah. Yeah.
So you were right there with Joe Hawke. Although he was at the University of Sydney, wasn't he? To you and Joe Hawke fighting against the common cause. We're going to ask some more big questions, some hard hitting questions, but we'll, firstly, we'll give you a chance to humanise yourself as a politician and a member of the political class.
What is your favorite album?
Born to Run. Oh, okay.
What's your favorite Queensland album? My favorite Queensland album.
Oh God. Um, I'll have to come back to you on that. It's a great album named after the, uh, street you grew up on. I don't know. A Vulture Street. Oh yeah. Yeah, sorry. Yeah. But I also have the Go-Betweens bridge in my electorate as well. So, you know, there's a, there's a tension there. Okay.
And favorite movie.
Love Powder Finger.
You've got to, you're Queensland, you have to. Um, yeah.
Favorite movie?
Um, Albanese said The Godfather.
Uh, yes. That's a, that's a great movie. Um, uh, I always love watching Blindside. Okay. Is that, is that sappy? That's, yeah, no. That's a good one. Yeah. I like that.
Bit of football. A lot of parallels between that story and some of the happenings of the Brisbane Broncos of late. Now we're going to ask the big questions.
Now you've recently been investigated by the triple C, the, uh, Queensland version of ICAC, of which there is currently not an agency, um, similar to that federally, but there has been, uh, for years has been, one day there'll be a federal ICAC, but there's an ICAC in South Australia. There's an ICAC in New South Wales and there's the triple C in Queensland.
Now you've mentioned the culture wars a lot throughout this interview and, and the culture wars can be to blame for almost any political, uh, teacup storm. But can you, can you explain how you ended up in, uh, in the center of an investigation, uh, an independent, uh, corruption watchdog investigation? Independent. Um, so, uh, Clancy, a complaint was made and, um, the triple C assesses all complaints that are made to their organization. I want to put on the record that the triple C is a, is a body that's, that was formed out of the Fitzgerald inquiry. So it has a really, um, important role to play in making sure that corruption doesn't take hold in Queensland as it did once upon a time under the national party, uh, when they were in government for a long period of time. So a complaint was made, um, that complaint first came through, uh, the liberal national party opposition office, and they, uh, publicized that quite widely and sent the complaint through to the triple C. Uh, the triple C in their initial assessment decided they want to have, they wanted to have a better look at it and conducted an investigation. And that's how that happened. But essentially it was over the, uh, allegation that, um, I interfered in the, uh, recruitment or no, the selection, sorry, of a principal for a high school, uh, being built in my community. Uh, what the triple C found was that that was not the case.
I did not politically interfere unduly interfere. I had no, um, there was no intention, dishonest intention.
So it was quite a grueling episode, but, um, uh, the triple C found that I had been telling the truth from the outset. It was interesting when I heard that, when we learned that you had been referred to the triple C over the new Dutton park, uh, high rise South Brisbane high school, because I actually thought you'd be getting investigated for the fact that that high school had to demolish ribbits, which was a famous, all you can eat restaurant. Uh, now just a figment of history in, uh, South Brisbane, uh, due to this high school, I thought there'd be investigated.
That was my favorite restaurant. That was the first place I used to go to when I got out of Bogo road. I have to say that, um, in, during my time, I have had more representation about ribbits than I have about almost anything. It was a, it was a much, much loved restaurant, can I say.
And it's a shame that it, it, um, it's no longer there, but, uh, yeah, maybe it can be recreated in the sky alongside all the sizzlers, all the big salad bar in the sky, all the hogs breaths. They're all gone. They're all slowly going Queensland's going to be, there's just no hogs, fatality in Queensland anymore.
Just one last question before we let you go, Jackie, now that you've been cleared by the triple C. When are the people at Queensland going to see you back in cabinet this year, next year? No, look, ultimately that's in the hands of the people of South Brisbane and my caucus colleagues after the election.
But like I've got a, I've got a big challenge on my hand and that's what, on my hands and that's what I'm focused on. Um, South Brisbane is a, you know, it's a rapidly evolving, changing seat. And, um, my job is to put the best case forward for my return and the return of the Palaszczuk Labor government. And that's what I'm going to be focused on.
Can we just ask, um, what is that?
Is that a concern that some of the safe inner city labor seats will be lost to white men with dreadlocks? Look, there's no doubt that the seat has changed.
You know, like when I grew up here, it was a long time ago. I'm not going to tell you how long ago, you know, it wasn't the place to live. It wasn't suburbia. It was near the river. There were mosquitoes. There were lots of new migrants. It was, um, uh, you know, there was smelly wog food and stuff like that. So it wasn't the desirable place to live. Um, and there was a lot of industry, a lot of workers cottages, and now there is a significant gentrification.
And, um, it's a, it's a different conversation you need to have with people when they don't rely upon government and government intervention as much as they do. So you're saying that the people of West End and Highgate Hill are so entitled that they, uh, don't think you're green enough? That is not what I'm saying. That is definitely not what I'm saying.
And the other thing, the interesting dimension about coronavirus, and you opened by saying that JobKeeper is being extended. And, uh, we saw that JobSeeker is going to be extended today, but reduced. A lot of people in my community, regardless of what suburb in my community, they have been hit by COVID economic shutdown. And there's a lot of young workers who, um, who missed out on JobKeeper. They're on JobSeeker trying to get a foothold back into the economy.
So these are, these are the big issues that I'll be talking to my community about going forward into the election. Do you reckon Labor's going to play a much bigger role in Australian politics in the wake of this, um, this global pandemic? I absolutely think how the economy is shaped, that the fairness, the inclusion, the equality within the economy is going to be a key issue. You know, I've looked at some of the metrics around those people who are withdrawing their super last financial year, this financial year. I understand people's desperation, but it just is deferring the desperation or deferring a level of, um, of poverty or less income or less equality, more inequality during retirement. So I, you know, I do worry about those sorts of economic measures that the Commonwealth government has put forward. So I think Labor's got a big job ahead of it in terms of being part of the national debate around a fairer economy, around a more inclusive economy.
And, um, I absolutely think Albo and Jim Chalmers are up to it. Well, that's a good note to end on, Jackie. I'd just like to thank you for your time today.
And I look forward to catching up with you outside the Rumpus Room in West End, sooner rather than later. That's one venue that hasn't gentrified. They got rid of the vinyl floors at the Boundary Hotel, but, uh, You can't get rid of the big trees outside the Rumpus Room in West End.
Thank you for joining us. And, um, thank you for allowing us to lead you down certain traps, which you've managed to evade. Thank you for joining us. Thanks guys. |
dropout | jake_and_amir_s_tour_highlights_presented_by_schick | Hey, Jake here. Jake here too.
No. Why not?
We're excited to be going on tour for chick So excited in fact that we made this video of our fans taking the chick hydro challenge. Let's go to us Thanks Jake and Amir. So here we are with our barber Jason. You're ready to take the chick hydro challenge Which means I get to watch you guys shave yourself. Let's do it It is on with John. Let's make that beard be gone.
Oh my god. He's on fire I've never stood with two other dudes watching a third one shave. This is a unique opportunity. Get your hand off my shoe Okay, John's gonna do a handlebar mustache, right? Yeah name Dustin goatee, right? Wow, right? Wow, Dustin goatee. That was insane. Uh, yeah, so shave whatever you want.
We can use this thing. This is a Well, Jason knows what this is. Oh Oh It's fine. No, it does.
Um, it does hurt scared to do the bottom here. Don't be scared It's a chick run smooth. How's your face feel? It feels a little naked, but it feels good. Wonderful naked, but good That's the best two things you can be Silky smooth.
What do you prefer shaving with these chick razor or whatever razor you hugely use? Obviously the chick razor That is obvious.
Oh, are we rolling? Oh My god, whoop or real Alright Dustin, this is yours. Thank you so much for shaving with a chick hydro and we'll see you tonight. Bring your goatee Bring your goatee. You should put him in his goatee on the list. Perfect. So don't pay Wow, that was some powerful powerful chick. Yeah, let's check out some highlights from the tour. You can almost say chick got real Yeah, let's not though Okay I love you too Nobody said they loved you Streeter side down You're bad at this like I wish you had someone out I wish I never broke up with Eric Eric's her ex-boyfriend is the soccer player is pretty cool like that It's just like I don't need the commentary lady You need one Oh worse Usually get a little fat person injuries the worst one I ever got is I cut The webbing between my fingers right here because I was digging too low in a peanut butter jar Thanks so much to everybody who took the chick hydro challenge and thank you Jake And who would you like to thank the fans? And I appreciate it |
cracked | 5_people_who_need_to_put_down_their_f_ing_camera_the_spit_take | Hello the internet, and welcome to another spit take. My name is Jack O'Brien. I'm the Editor-in-Chief of Cracked, and today's episode is brought to you by the letters P and F for put the phone down and f***ing run already. Together they make the sound these people cause in my soul.
There was a time not long ago when movies had to lie to make humans look easy to kill. Characters would stop running from certain death to turn around and scream at it, or try out the, uh, this one's taken gambit at the worst possible moment. When in reality billions of years of evolution programmed us for self-preservation. Prior to recent years, internet videos seemed to prove that not only did our two shit just got real speeds work, they rhymed. Quick side note, yes, that baby appears to be mind-controlling his dad into running his little marshmallow baby legs like a biological Hodor, and I wouldn't be doing my job if I didn't show it to you, but sadly, it's the only evidence of a third fight or flight or baby-warg option. The internet is, however, lousy with evidence of a much less promising third speed. Evidence that we are now in a doomed evolutionary age of fight or flight, or pointing our camera and sleepwalking towards the most dangerous thing you've ever seen in person.
Dude, that is seriously gonna hit us! Dude, where'd we go? No filter! Alright, let's ease you in with a video in which the cameraman behaves like your standard movie character and actually realizes his life is in danger. Yes, the realization comes about 40 seconds too late, and his reaction is to laugh as though death himself is tickling it. Man, I just will never get the Russian sense of humor. We are vacuating the plane. Oh my god. Alright, onto the hard stuff. Behavior too stupid, not just for movie characters, but for the whole genre of PSAs that exist strictly to warn that texting and driving are not compatible activities. For the first time in human history, the PSAs are overestimating our intelligence.
Is it no longer possible to have an experience without recording it? Like does this girl think the airplane crash she just survived will disappear from her memory if she doesn't have footage of herself as she escapes? I wish I could pinpoint the moment when we as a species decided we're all starring in our own movie and nothing around us is real.
From the looks of this next video, my best educated guess is Backdraft. When these bros heard that San Diego was awash in wildfires, they hopped in the whip to get a little look-see. How bad could it be?
Wow, there it is right there. There it is right there.
Personally, I'd avoid going to Mordor altogether and staying not Mordor, but that's just me. Just so we're clear, they're not in the backseat of a taxi or the worst Disney ride ever. The girl on the right is driving a moving car, taking both hands off the wheel for five excruciating seconds while looking straight at the camera, then to her right, then shutting her eyes altogether because f**k it. Don't worry, they're fine.
And now for a young man so flagrantly irresponsible as to render that phrase completely irrelevant by creating a video that only worries me by not ending with some manner of catastrophic injury. Warning, the intensity with which you're going to want to roll your eyes by the end of this video will sprain your eyeball cords. I will provide a rough translation. Sabrah me ama res treverer or skylar or some s**t. Oh no, just the dangerous situation that makes me orgasm. Now I will nearly kill a poor truck driver and display the series of facial tics that accompany the soupy pleasure that is the only orgasm I know. Now the s**t eating grin at the end is enough to make you lose sleep until you realize that the babies who battle illness and malnutrition only to lose their chance at the precious gift of life will haunt his dreams forever. I'll crack you later. Thanks for crackin'! |
SaturdayNightLive | zagat_s_with_hank_beverly_gelfand_anniversary_snl | Zagatz, with your hosts, Hank and Beverly Gelfand. Hello, and welcome to Zagatz. I'm Bev Gelfand, and this is my husband, Hank.
What do you want? Hank and I are celebrating our 35th wedding anniversary tonight, and we're very excited, Hank and I. No! we're going out to dinner for the occasion, but we can't decide where to go. Do you know where you want to go, Hank? go away.
Well, maybe we can all find a place in our Zagatz New York Restaurant Guide. let's take a look together. Dear God, here we go. Oh, here's one. it's called Patty's Place on 12th Street. there's an Art deco interior, and the international cuisine. that sounds like a lot of fun. my father said get married. he should rot in his grave. How about Mario's restaurant? mini pizzas and delish desserts make this Italian eatery a must. ravioli? Holy cannoli. day and night, she talks. each word more useless than the next. The City Steakhouse serves the best beef in town. their central setting will set the mood for any romantic rendezvous. Oh, hear that, Hank? give me cancer now, God. southern fare at Charlie's. there's fried chicken and first-rate service. So come on down, y'all. you hear? Hank and I have decided to spend a nice, quiet evening at home. isn't that right, Hank? the book is gone, but the mouth goes on. since we're staying at home, maybe we can watch some television. let's find a show to watch in our P.v. Guide. Just when I thought I was out, she chags me back in. here's one.
Murder, she wrote. here's one. Murder, she wrote. Jessica investigates a suspicious Hollywood murder and exposes the real killer.
Oh, I just love her. she's so smart. see if there's a program about shutting the hell up. Surprise. Oh, heavens to Betsy. Hi, Beverly. Hi, Hank. heavens to Betsy. it's my sister, Pauline. what in heavens are you doing here?
Well, I knew you and Hank would be celebrating your 35th wedding anniversary, knock Wood, so I thought I'd stop by with the present. Oh, you shouldn't have. isn't that nice, Hank? look at how pretty it is. please, let it be a gun. Perfect. Look, Hank.
Pauline brought us the Agate's restaurant guide. we used to have one, but Hank misplaced it. Oh, wait till you see, sis. they've got the greatest restaurants in there. I'm in the middle of a moron sandwich. Here, look. The Oyster Club for the best clam chowder in town, All aboard for fine fish cuisine. yummy. Oh, let me take a look. Oh, look, the Cajun Club for catfish and gumbo galore. Mardi Gras, every night you'll dance the delight. oh, that rhymes. that rhymes, doesn't it, Hank? come here. I've got stupid in stereo. sleeping pills, my only friend. Oh, here, my turn. care for Chinese food? try Uncle Chang's. they've got the best egg rolls in town. And don't forget the dumplings. don't worry, I never do. Oh, here's a place. let's see. Oh, Sullivan's for Irish food and fun. the fish and chips are fabulous. don't you fill up on the soda. this has been Zagat's. good.
Hank is never going to get there. |
dropout | what_we_do_to_avoid_our_exes | Ninety-two, ninety-three, ninety-four, ninety-five, ninety-six. I mean, whatever. Anybody can call themselves a foodie. Okay, but all I know is he could list a lot of restaurants.
Oh, do you guys want to go get brunch on Sunday at Fat Cat? Uh, I can't do Fat Cat, guys. Remember my ex, Becca? She works there now. Oh, you love Fat Cat.
I know, I'm sorry, guys. I can't believe she's still controlling my life. No, dude, it's okay. You know what? You have to forgive yourself. Thank you.
What about Tall Cat? I do Tall Cat. Oh, the Tall Cat on Hillhurst or the Tall Cat on State?
State? I can't do State.
Remember Steve that I dated in April works in the Papyrus right across the street? Like, you can literally see directly into it. I just don't want to make any kind of weird, awkward eye contact by mistake. No, that makes sense. Brunch should be a safe space. We'll just go to the one on Hillhurst. I can't do Hillhurst. Bill lives two blocks away. I know, it's crazy, but I super don't want to run into him. Yeah, that makes sense.
Bill's a piece of shit. I fucking hate that guy. He can suck a bag of dicks.
Thanks, guys. Oh, what about that new place right by Zach? Oh, Ginger Cat? Yeah. No, sorry, guys.
I saw someone who looked exactly like Beth there yesterday. Freaked me out so much, it just moved house immediately. Just like left all my stuff there and everything. Oh, I liked Beth. Yeah, we all did.
Sometimes I guess it just doesn't work out, right? Scaredy Cat? I know I am. I just can't go back there. No, no, I meant the ramen place in the valley. Scaredy Cat. I can't go there. Jeremy died in a fire there two years ago, and he's like still haunting it.
Oh my God, that is so awkward. So awkward.
Plus, I don't want to go all the way out to the valley. Yeah, it's hard to get to. Yeah, it's far.
How about KitKat? That place that only serves KitKats? No, no. Every time I eat a KitKat, I get a text from Rachel. You know that psychic I dated who really liked KitKats?
Poke Cat. I can't go to Poke Cat. Three of my exes live in the same city as Poke Cat.
That makes sense. Oh, wait, this city? Yeah, I only eat at home or at work. I get here through a series of tunnels I discovered.
How about Moon Cat? It's that place on the moon. Ooh, the moon. I actually used to date Hecate, the Greek goddess of the moon.
I went through this phase in college where I only dated, sorry, fucked, minor deities. So anyways, that's totally off the list. Head Cat, it's the place that only exists in your imagination. No, no, no, no, no, no, no. My ex-imaginary girlfriend, Steve, he super owns that place with her dick fiance, Dave. She used to be so hot. Oh, fuck, she's still hot. God damn it. Wait, Stevie is your ex-imaginary girlfriend? Dave is my ex-imaginary boyfriend. No. This is crazy.
We should combine forces to destroy them. We totally should. That does not help us choose a brunch spot.
Magic Cat. Pablo. Mom Cat. Dennis. Devil Cat. Anastasia.
Obviously. Four-way Skype from home. Yeah! Hello, I'm Siobhan from College Humor. |
cracked | the_ultimate_men_s_fantasy_hotline_isn_t_what_you_think | Late night. Can't sleep.
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You're tired of PC culture, and you long for a simpler time. We won't make you cope with change because you're a hero. Your wife will have sex with you. Your boss will promote you. Your kids will stop making fun of your car. You are a good guy.
Call man's Ultimate Fantasy Hotline today. Ask about our other fantasies, like telling your daughter's boyfriend off or bear-proofing your campsite in the woods. You got me!
Hey guys, thanks for watching that. Hey, did you know that monogamous sexual relationships are actually a recent development in human history? I know that's the sort of thing you'd typically hear from a 50-year-old guy with a ponytail who thinks all naked bodies are beautiful, but as someone who finds the naked human body gross and repellent in most of its forms, I'm here to tell you that science and sociology and history surrounding sex are actually really interesting, even to a person who's never been to an orgy. Anyways, that's not just the more-you-know-style public service announcement. It's what our live podcast is about this month. So Saturday, February 11th, 7 p.m., me and Michael Swam, Teresa Lee, are going to be talking to Dr. Christopher Ryan, who wrote a fascinating book about what sex was like a long, long time ago, when humans were just starting to, you know, tickets are $7. They usually sell it pretty quickly, so click on the link somewhere on your screen now, if that sounds interesting to you. |
dropout | here_s_why_you_probably_shouldn_t_try_something_called_the_dream_eater | What was that? Oh, it's five-hour energy, which you look like you could use. And it's extra strength. Ooh. Ha! Extra strength. I bet I've got something stronger.
Oh, some would call it dark matter. Still others, the energy drink from beyond space-time. Flux water. Liquid light speed. The grimace of dark, dark, dark, dark.
The coast of the moon. Of course. Voila.
So what is it, exactly? Nobody knows. My cousin, who bought it in Chinatown, in Amsterdam, asked the man who sold it to him to speak his true name, and he wept. Right, but what does the label say? There is no label. Okay, well, I don't think you should drink something with no label.
And he's drinking it anyway. Okay, well, I guess moot point. Cheers. It's really good. Yeah.
Jimmy Hodge. Is he all right? I don't know. Jimmy, Jimmy. Jeremy. Jimmy.
That's incredible. That's great. I could try that for a hundred years. There's no way I would get another peanut in his mouth. That's true. It is great, though. I'm not crazy, right?
This is delicious. Yeah, it tastes great. And it's extra strength. Great tasting, great.
Extra strength, I mean. You don't think the peanut's blocking his windpipe, do you? I think that's what I mean. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, extra strength. Oh.
And look who it is. And I've seen the face of eternity. And it is full of cruel laughter.
Hey, you want one of these? Yeah. Ooh, yeah, that's good. I know, right? Look out for the folks, he's gonna stick your gems. |
cracked | the_dark_truth_behind_the_most_famous_cartoon_company_ever_today_s_topic | Hey, you ever read our article about 90s cartoons? It's like asking if I ever saw the movie with the zombies in it. The one with the pinky and the brain entry. I think we missed some good stuff there.
The gist of the article is that in the intro sequence, when it says, One is a genius, the other's insane. We could be referring to pinky as the genius and brain as the insane one. Did not real life genius Albert Einstein say that the definition of insanity is trying the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result?
What do you want to do tonight? The same thing we do every night, pinky.
I'm not sure I buy pinky as a genius. As Jerry Lewis converted to mouse form, maybe. He stops brain from taking over the world, doesn't he? The structure of every episode is pinky tells brain why his idea is bad, brain does it anyway, and it fails. Plus, there are episodes that show that pinky can read, while brain can barely write his own name. But what's bugging me is where did they come from in the first place? Why were these super smart mice created?
Acme Labs, right? Experiment. Yes, exactly. Acme Labs. You see it in the intro sequence. Now remember, this is the same company that supplies wily coyote. We're talking fringe, dangerous science. And you see the Warner siblings hanging out at the labs in the intro sequence.
And did you know Brain's name is an acronym? For what? Biological Recombinant Algorithmic Intelligence Nexus. Basically genetically modified mouse, but pinky and the goom didn't make for a catchy theme song. And it's not just the mice. Think about all the other Animaniac segments. Okay, but only because I was going to do that anyway. All right, you got hippos living as human beings, a dog that's smarter than the baby it's constantly endangering, pigeons capable of operating an organized crime syndicate, a six foot chicken clearly trying to infiltrate human society. And what the fuck are the Animaniacs?
Are they dogs? Are they dogs crossbred with reindeer?
Exactly. I think they're all genetic mutants bred by Acme. That's the unspoken conspiracy here.
All the humanoid animals that we enjoyed, we thought they were just funny cartoons. But we never stopped to think, where did they come from? How did they get so smart?
And if working here has taught me anything, it is that everything I loved as a child is actually terrifying. So I believe that from day one, Acme has been tampering with genetics to breed amusing animal, human, mutant hybrids at the behest of Warner Brothers Entertainment Division. And the Warner siblings, they got locked in the water tower because they were one of the program's rare failures. So was Brain. So they had to make Pinky to keep him under control. That would explain why a movie studio has to employ a mad scientist.
Technically, he's a psychiatrist. Technically, he's a pee psychiatrist.
Man, I missed that show. And what happened to Freakazoid, huh?
What is Paul Rugg doing now? That's what we should be concentrating on. Maybe we could get him to do a column or something. Are you even listening?
This is some heavy accusatory shit that I'm throwing out here. Right, about cartoons. I mean, no matter what you say, none of this stuff actually happened. Oh, oh my god. You forgot the cartoons aren't real, didn't you?
Hey, we all work hard for the site and- You did? You did? You got your head down working and- Hey, everybody.
Everybody gather around. This is great. Scarf.
That is Thundercats, you fucking poser. I meant- Out. I meant, no, I meant, no. Roll sound. Hey, you. Yeah, you.
You know what would really make me happy? Like, just the happiest is if you could click subscribe. Yeah, you'd like it. You know you'd like it. I'd like it. So if you could do me just this great big favor, I'll be your best friend forever. Please. |
dropout | the_six_girls_you_ll_date_in_college | This is you in college, and these are the six girls you'll date in college.
Were you ever good at sports? We don't know, but the daily 4 a.m. burritos haven't helped. You okay?
She looks better in track shorts than literally anything else. Come on, baby. You can do it. Ten more years till touchdown! However, no matter what the activity, you'll always end up the same way.
Weezing, doughy, and begging her to slow down. You hate places like this. Never mind.
You love places like this. I love places like this.
Your friend's a promoter, or DJ, whichever is cooler. You're funny.
Is there a non-alphabetical difference between E and X? Cut to six weeks later.
You're out of money, too tired, and have no idea what your pants are made of. Wake up.
I know the bouncer at Pearl Labs. You wouldn't give up this nap for all the coked-up sex in the world. Happy dinosaur riding. Face it. You're a nice guy. Did you drink all those beers? But to her, you're James Dean with Wolverine claws. It's fun to play the crazy guy.
But there's no crazy like real repressed crazy. Not tonight? No.
Fine. The worst part? She's still going to wake you up for 8 a.m. mass. This is it. The perfect ten.
What years of television, print advertising, and internet porn have taught you you will- Maybe. You're not using the couple's wallpaper I gave you. Why you? She saw a Wes Anderson trailer once and thinks you're quirky. Who cares? Look at her. How long will it last? What's your talents for crippling insecurities and Kesha? You watch Team Mom without me? You're just like my dad. You'll keep a picture of her to show to friends.
She will not. She's the only girl who can beat you in Mario Kart. She's the only girl who will play you in Mario Kart. You drive like my floppy vagina.
Shut up. Relaxed. Comfortable.
Always by your side. It's like dating your hoodie. But who in their right mind would want to fuck their hoodie?
She's funny. Smart. Beautiful.
And all you're doing is wondering what she's doing there with you. Is everything okay?
Be confident. You're not going to mess this up. You won't mess this up.
How did you mess this up? We can still be friends, right? You were too afraid of messing things up. And that messed things up.
Maybe that's irony. Don't look at us. You're the one with a liberal arts degree. That was college.
Time to move out, get a job, and spend your days watching internet videos. Maybe you'll even get a real girlfriend. |
cracked | everything_crazy_happening_at_the_rnc_so_far | Hello and welcome to the first installment of crack's first ever news show the only news show on earth covering the same breaking story Over and over again every single night humanity not doomed after all Sorry for the mix-up. I'm sore and buoy and in the traditional elegant dead way since I'll be your anchor welcome aboard. This is topical cure Now where most news broadcasts hinge on fear-mongering Hollow-terror and generally convincing everyone that we live in dangerous unprecedented times We are boldly willing to take the opposite stance and bravely say Nah, what better place to start our show than at the very watering hole of doomsday hyperbole the Republican National Convention So that means I'm gonna be focusing mostly kind of on this area tonight And also kind of this one too because apparently that's where the bad guys bases now we watched every single minute of the Republican National Convention feed so far because Why would you and what we discovered was well first of all we found Waldo and after that there was let's see a squashed Rebellion that teetered on all-out chaos an army of extremists shouting to lock Hillary in a cage an excruciating account of war from two Soldiers a bearded zealot in a bandana a cow is slaughtered and then finally Trump emerged from smoke and shadows to whisper about winning big against some ill-defined horror A real cow. It's been very exciting You know now that I think about it. I might be confusing some of that with apocalypse now damn I get why newscasters rely on doomsday It's so easy, but for those of you whose exposure to the RNC is limited exclusively to whatever has been trending on social media You've probably only heard that first lady pageant contestant Melania Trump plagiarized portions of the speech She gave on night one of the convention specifically She stole sections that were about putting in hard work keeping promises and treating people with respect According to who you talked to Melania took these passages from either Michelle Obama speech in 2008 You work hard for what you want your word is your bond that your word is your bond or a my little pony character named Twilight Sparkle Twilight Sparkle speaking Presumably about how awesome it was when she transformed from a regular unicorn into a pegasus slash unicorn hybrid and then became princess of the castle of friendship it was It was a really powerful episode. So that means that after roughly I don't know like 900 hours of convention action that included a soap opera star calling the current president a Muslim Chris Christie doing a modified rendition of the crucible where everyone got to pretend like Hillary Clinton was a real live witch and then Trump plagiarism Scandal jr. And oh, yeah. Hey gee Smith was there to plagiarism still dominated social media and the news and I mean why wouldn't it attractive famous person does dumb thing is the media's second favorite genre of news Right after animal makes friends with other smaller animal plagiarism is also the kind of thing that specifically members of the media they love to get all up in arms about because plagiarism is widely important in the world of journalism even if Its impacts are rarely if ever felt by the average American citizen.
It's also a moment That's easy to get your head around and laugh about but it's pulling focus away from the more nuanced and less sexy moments from the week's convention Which from gavel to gavel was exclusively about generating fear political conventions are supposed to be pep rallies meant to embrace unity to show strength And provide a safe space for white people over 50 today It's like no one is watching but if the Republicans had just one message to convey it would be that you Yes, you are not safe. Every single speaker on stage wanted to remind you that you are constantly in danger from terrorists Outside of our borders in the dark place from illegal immigrants sneaking in through our borders our enemies defy us Our country has no borders and from the current administration and the candidate it endorses who are literally murdering your children Either through their incompetence or maybe on purpose. It's it's not totally clear This did not happen by accident It happened by design It is the work of a Brock Obama and the architect of his failed foreign policy Hillary Clinton a vote for Hillary is putting all of our children's lives at risks. It uh It got a lot of hand The stated thesis of the first night was make America safe again But the implied message was the Democrats want to open the back door to America for illegal immigrants and Islamic terrorists when no one is Looking like as a goof The only things that came out of Monday resembling actual platforms were that immigrants shouldn't be allowed in Muslims should be kicked out and black People just need to cool off for a minute now If Mexicans Muslims and African Americans are literally fighting over who gets your bedroom after they take turns murdering you then Yeah, these sound like pretty sensible positions And it's easy to give in a sensation that your corner that America has never ever been this unsafe But that's only because objective fact never got a chance on the mic that night So let's talk about crime first the sense of safety that many of us once took for granted Has been shattered according to the FBI violent crime in America is at a 40-year low with violent crime dropping by 51% since 1991 Homicide rate battery and child abuse have all been on a steady decline in America Also, even with that tragedy in Benghazi and it is a tragedy the rate of people dying in armed conflicts is nearing historic lows The week actually describes us as unusually safe right now because the overall amount of warfare has fallen significantly in our lifetimes Now that's hard to remember when all you're hearing is radical Jihadists are killing Americans as much as I hate to disagree with Republican reality show star one of seven about radical Islam fewer than a hundred Americans have been killed by jihadist terrorists since 9-11 on American soil More people were killed by cars in that time period.
Oh, I'm sorry. Did I say cars?
I think cows On to immigration When the RNC was in full trunk swing There was a heart-wrenching parade of grief portion of the convention where the GOP went through the tragic deaths of three Americans at the hands of illegal immigrants It was it was sad and created the sense that there might be a Mexican breaking into your mom's house right now But the truth is that the total number of undocumented residents has fallen by over a million since 2008 and the number of Mexicans crossing the Mexican border has been in decline since 2000 Most illegal immigrants are people who came here legally and then just overstayed their visas And if we're talking specifically about the rapists and murderers that Trump promised that Mexico was mailing to us The Wall Street Journal reported that studies going back for more than a century say that immigrants regardless of nationality or legal status are actually less likely than the native population to commit violent crimes and Without exception incarceration rates among young men are lowest for immigrants than anyone else now I know I know it would be much more exciting if the world were ending and we could all just start picking out our cars for the Mad Max apocalypse, but The much less sexy truth is that our military is strong There are fewer wars and the streets are safer today than ever before The path we're on is in Fury Road It's goddamn Sesame Street and I could rattle off some more stats about how well things are going But it's easier to just let the RNC speakers from day two do it instead The theme of day two was make American work again day But according to the delegates on the floor, everything's good mission accomplished. Don't don't touch anything The great state of Indiana has a two billion dollar surplus We're open for business and growing jobs and manufacturing and high-tech And it was even sort of sweet to see all those states dance and then brag about their current prosperity home of 10,000 lakes Home of spam. We got the best duck hunting on earth. We're number one in rice production We raised delicious catfish.
Mr. Chairman, I come from the land where we manufacture Pez all before lamenting that this whole country faces imminent Obama Geddon sometimes even in the same breath if you like the last eight years Then Hillary will give you double for your trouble But good things are happening in the states Unemployment is the lowest in the recorded history of Arkansas Not that I'm blaming them You know the idea that the last guy turned our country into a corroded urinal cake is political tradition That's the point of these conventions The danger is getting too specific about the threats because actual data rarely backs it up and the worst part is Nobody ever tells us that no news anchor wants to go on TV and report It's just in everything's fine today You know except this show I guess so It's just in everything's fine today Look my point is I get it It's way easier to appeal to voters when they are sorely upset about the opposition Obama got to do that eight years ago with his change campaign But the truth is that things aren't so bad right now. We're doing okay So and this goes for both sides Stop talking about the last eight years and tell us about the next four Nobody wins a job interview exclusively by on the last guy No matter how much of a fuck up they were how long he dated your sister. Yeah I know it was a long time ago Daryl.
I don't care. You're dead to me Anyway, this has been a thing I think we're done Hi, thank you for watching topical cure our brand new news show Make sure to tune in on Friday as well for another episode about the RNC Bye |
dropout | bailmitting_making_plans_knowing_you_re_gonna_bail | College Humor's New Words This week's word is bail mitting. Bail mitting results from extreme selfishness, social anxiety, pathology, or in rare cases an impressively shitty mixture of all three. Here's how it works. One kind and thoughtful person, the inviter, asks another much, much worse person, the invitee, if they would like to attend a gathering. Because they're emotionally stunted cowards who can't handle even the slightest whiff of confrontation, the invitee agrees. Usually with an exclamatory, sure I'll come or, oh man that sounds great. The inviter's heart is filled with delight. But the douche nozzle invitee, incapable of empathy, spares no time in logging every possible excuse as preparation for the inevitable bail. Fuckface Invitees will catalog claims like I double booked, I'm not feeling well, I've got a family emergency, my aunt's in town and I forgot until just now, I triple booked, I think my aunt may be in town, I have a job interview and you know what, you're not gonna believe this, I think I just saw my aunt, is that her? I'm gonna wave and, oh she's waving back, it is on Sue, it's so funny how she never tells me she's coming to town, but she's here tonight so I should probably get dinner with her. While bail mitting is most often associated with birthday party or wedding invites, one may also bail mitt to sporting matches, business meetings, nights, out or in, trips to Six Flags, which I specifically got a fucking Chevy Tahoe for Michael, because you said there would be six of us, and etc. To spot a bail mitter, look for individuals with expensive television packages like my douchebag friend Michael, and a startlingly low number of friends, synonyms include shitty friending, shit heading, worst person, and solo dying, a less popular term for, dying completely and utterly alone Michael, you know what I mean, when you make a fucking commitment to Six Flags, you come, you come, oh a nice guitar, idiot. |
Wizards_with_Guns | how_to_draw_the_perfect_bath | Hello! I have the towers! Please don't come in. What? I could not hear you. I'm actually not wearing anything. I leave them here and I am gone.
Yes, could you please... The bears. It's looking a bit shallow. No? I don't think... Can I interest you in some fresh lavender to compliment the bear? No, thank you.
When? Perfect. Now a little bit of this. No, really, I'm fine. And a dash of this.
Why are you... And let's see what we have here. What are you...
Please leave. Scrape the tip of my penis with that. It's missing something. I've got to leave. I'm naked.
Jean-Claude! Yes, Chef. Stare for me. Of course, Chef.
Remind me to call Pierre about an order of salt. Bath salt. Not bath salts. You'd be surprised what Pierre can get his little hands on.
Excuse me, Mr. Chef, sir. Are you doing this for me? Or are you doing this for you?
The perfect bath. What? The perfect bath!
The theory has never been achieved. That it's impossible. Impossible.
Legend says that Ponce de Leon came to the New World searching for such perfection. But he was disappointed to only find the fountain of youth. Many have tried to create the perfect bath.
My father died trying. Just like his father before him. And so will I. Okay.
Something still isn't right. Is it the human remains? Maybe it's not the bath. Maybe it's the man!
Get out. What? Can I at least get a towel? I said get out! Wait, wait, wait.
You haven't even tried it again. It's really good. You tried it? Yeah. You weren't looking. And it was good? Yes. Please! I will be the judge of that. Is it... How is it? Chat? You've been in this, didn't you? Thank you. Yeah, at the beginning. |
SaturdayNightLive | please_don_t_destroy_election_night_snl | Maybe a sketch about them midterms. Oh, what are the midterms?
I don't know. I'm not sure at all. Hey guys, Molly. hey, do you guys know anything about politics? uh, why you need help writing a sketch?
No, no, no, sir. something. Bet something very bad has happened. What's going on? Look, in a shocking upset victory, your new Attorney General of Ohio is political newcomer Molly Carney. Oh no! Oh My. God! I don't want to be Eternal General!
How did this happen? for a look at how it all started, we go to our political correspondent, Steve Kornacki. Steve Kornacki! Well, thanks Mike. Well, from our weekend down, the campaign all began with a viral tweet. Oh my God Quote,: I low-key feel like I'd make a good Ohio Attorney General Lmao hashtag in my feelings. I gotta stop tweeting drunk. this is just an unprecedented win for the 30 year old Snl background extra. come on, man.
I'm on the cash. don't you have to be like a lawyer to do this? Have you passed the bar? Brother, I don't pass the bar. I only go in.
What? was that a joke? You know what? this is all gonna be okay. we have some time to figure it out. In just 20 minutes. we'll be hearing Carney's big speech. speech? Oh, no. okay guys, I think I know what we gotta do. This election is a tough meeting! No, we can help you. really? yeah, we'll be your chiefs of Staff. Yeah, what do we gotta do now?
First things first,: you gotta get a new look. What? I like my look. get real. you look like a little league umpire. You're right. he's gonna give you the full C-span now. Are people gonna like this? I look like a Lego guy. Exactly. And we got you a new camera ready! Christian Family Oh, I don't need We're so proud of you, Honey. Well, hello, Mrs. Carney. Looking good, you guys. don't you f**k this up for me. Molly, you're gonna want to see this. Is this.
Really who Ohio deserves? Brother, I don't pass the bar. I only go in. Molly Carney is a dilution alcoholic and a nearly 40 year old Snl stage head. I'm on the cast! So we're just five minutes away now from the big speech, And according to Ohio law, if that speech is bad, Molly will be sent straight to jail. Jail? What will you throw off? we need a platform.
What's something you believe in? I believe in the God Love. No, like, what do you think of the death Penalty? it's a good title for a movie. we just need one.
Real policy. Every day is Christmas. that would never work, you dumb son of a b**ch. Because Christmas wouldn't be a special that way. Are Ags even involved in policymaking?
Lucas out now. Security. You have your truck. but don't look at that. it's time for Molly's speech. Uh, I'm here. Time's up, Molly, America's watching. You got this. come on, you got it. Well, I just want to say that I may not have a law degree, but what I do have is a real big heart. Ohio, let's do this thing.
Molly went on to be the worst Attorney General Ohio ever saw. They were immediately forced to resign and return to their old job being a cast member on Saturday Night Live. |
cracked | the_year_in_douchebaggery_the_news_on_cracked_12_27_07 | It's the end of the year 2007, and this is the News on Cracked. I'm Lex Friedman, and this call may be recorded for quality assurance purposes. Realistically, it probably won't be, though. And now, my friends, it's time for the crack.com year in Douchebaggery. It's the week in Douchebaggery. Yeah, we didn't update the jingle from the week thing.
Douchebag number ten, Sylvia Brown. The so-called television psychic made a prediction back in 2003 on the Montel Williams show that Sean Hornbeck had been murdered by his dreadlocked Hispanic kidnapper. Early this year, of course, Sean was found, most distinctly, un-murdered, and his kidnapper seemed very un-Hispanic and un-dreadlocked, too. Sylvia's never apologized to the Hornbeck family, of course, and I bet she didn't predict this on Montel. Hey, Sylvia Brown, you're a Douchebag.
Douchebag number nine, Chuck Norris. Just this month, he filed suit over a book loaded with pretend Chuck Norris facts. What a dick. Let's be honest here. If it wasn't for the popularity of these facts, Norris would still be shilling for Bowflex and passionately campaigning for a full-length Walker Texas Ranger movie. Chuck Norris facts brought Chuckie back into the public spotlight, and now this a-hole is suing? In light of this, we've got a few new Norris facts we'd like to add to the paperback edition of that Chuck Norris facts book. Chuck Norris facts.
Chuck Norris doesn't need a toolkit to make repairs around the house because he's enough of a massive tool himself to handle any job. Chuck Norris hasn't made a decent movie in... No, Chuck Morris has never made a decent movie. Chuck Norris doesn't have a chin under his beard, or a heart, or a soul. When Chuck Norris does push-ups, he doesn't push the earth down.
He just sues the people that made him relevant again because he's a Douchebag. Douchebag number eight, Andrew Myers.
He's the misguided protester who gave the first performance of the instant classic line, Don't tase me, bro. University of Florida police officers inform Myers that he would be tased if he didn't settle down. Then they did in fact tase him when he wouldn't settle down.
So his immortal utterance now adorns t-shirts because it's funny, quirky, and in the public domain. But what does it really mean?
It's an admission by a jackass who got himself into deep shit that he was willing to do anything possible to avoid the consequences. That's not political commentary. That's just cowardice. Don't tase me, bro. Really means I'm a Douchebag.
Douchebag number seven, Microsoft. Back in February, they launched the brand-spanking new Windows Vista operating system, which boasted huge memory and processor requirements to take advantage of all its flashy new features that nobody wants. Everyone and their mother has at this point downgraded back to XP, and frankly, your mother uses a Mac for Christ's sake.
We were going to dog Bill Gates about this one, but he's getting some commendable charity work done. So instead, we're going to give him a quick puff piece courtesy of our internet correspondent, I. Justine. Justine, tell us all about Bill Gates. Thanks, Lex. Bill was born in 1903 to a train conductor and a philatelist. Look it up. In 1956, he invented the personal computer, and by 1962, he was the world's first internet billionaire. Bill Gates can kill a bear with his bare hands and often does so for sport.
He once chopped down a cherry tree and then ate the whole damn thing. He's addicted to painkillers and allergic to cinnamon, which is a problem because his breakfast cereal of choice is always Cinnamon Toast Crunch laced with codeine.
In 2007, Bill invented the Zune. And revolutionized the music industry and becoming very close with Amy Winehouse. They are now lovers. PS. The next version of the Zune has an all-new DRM that is totally awesome.
Douchebag number six, evangelist Dr. James Dobson. He's urging his fellow Christians to ignore global warming so that they can focus on opposing gay marriage and encouraging sexual abstinence unsuccessfully. In keeping with Dobson's interpretation of the Bible.
Meanwhile, warming ocean waters have led to a global population explosion of jellyfish. And this is true. That jellyfish explosion has wiped out Ireland's only salmon farm and enveloped Japan in an ocean of slime.
Dr. Dobson, of course, just continues to beat his dog. Literally. As he documents in his book, Dare to Discipline.
As you might have heard, it turns out that the Falcons' quarterback was into dogfighting. Now he's in prison, and he's about to reach a whole new level of understanding for cockfighting. It's sort of like fencing, if fencing were man-on-man rape. But making dogs fight and killing them is douchebag-ish. Douchebag number two, it's a tie.
A tie between Bill Belichick, head coach of the New England Patriots and admitted football cheater, and Kors Light, makers of crappy beer and crappier on-air advertisements for their beer featuring edited press conferences footage. Coach Belichick, what role did cheating have in the Patriots' successes so far this season?
I thought it was important on Mike, you know... It's Lex, actually. I'm not Mike.
But anyway, how obnoxious do you think those Kors Light ads really are? You want to talk about the game? No, I don't want to talk about the game. You know why, Billy? Because I don't talk to douchebags, and you and Kors Light are douchebags-ish.
And finally, douchebag number one, Britney Spears. If you really need us to explain how the surprisingly non-pregnant half of the Spears daughter duo earned the douchebag award for this year, through her multiple trips to rehab, her head shaving, her paparazzi hitting with cars, her paparazzi hitting with her naughty bits, her flashing of those naughty bits, her disastrous VMA performances, her ongoing ridiculous behavior, the umbrella incident, her new songs... Well, if you can't figure it out, then award yourself an honorable mention on the crack.com year in douchebaggery list. Frankly, we've retired Britney from the douchebaggery and she makes it so easy for us to do what we do here, but then we'd have to stop being lazy.
That's not going to happen. That, my friends, is the year in douchebaggery. It's the week in douchebaggery! Be sure to check back on Monday for the last episode of the New Zone Crack for 2007, or we'll make your Xbox 360 blink red. Baggery! Yeah, we didn't update the jingle from the week thing.
Douchebag number 10, Sylvia Brown. The so-called television psychic made a prediction back in 2003 on the Montel Williams show that Sean Hornbeck had been murdered by his dreadlocked Hispanic kidnapper. Early this year, of course, Sean was found most distinctly un-murdered and his kidnapper seemed very un-Hispanic and undreadlocked too. Sylvia's never apologized to the Hornbeck family, of course, and I bet she didn't predict this on Montel. Hey, Sylvia Brown, you're a douchebag.
Douchebag number 9, Chuck Norris. Just this month, he filed suit over a book loaded with pretend Chuck Norris facts. What a dick. Let's be honest here, if it wasn't for the popularity of these facts, Norris would still be shilling for Bowflex and passionately campaigning for a full-length Walker Texas Ranger movie. Chuck Norris facts brought Chucky back into the public spotlight, and now this a-hole is suing? In light of this, we've got a few new Norris facts we'd like to add to the paperback edition of that Chuck Norris facts book. Chuck Norris facts.
Chuck Norris doesn't need a toolkit to make repairs around the house because he's enough of a massive tool himself to handle any job. Chuck Norris hasn't made a decent movie in... No, Chuck Norris has never made a decent movie. Chuck Norris doesn't have a chin under his beard or a heart or a soul. When Chuck Norris does push-ups, he doesn't push the earth down.
He's the misguided protester who gave the first performance of the instant classic line, Don't Taze Me Bro. University of Florida police officers inform Myers that he would be tased if he didn't settle down. Then they did in fact tase him when he wouldn't settle down.
So his immortal utterance now adorns t-shirts because it's funny, quirky, and in the public domain. But what does it really mean?
It's an admission by a jackass who got himself into deep shit that he was willing to do anything possible to avoid the consequences. That's not political commentary. That's just cowardice. Don't Taze Me Bro really means I'm a douchebag.
Douchebag number 7, Microsoft. Back in February, they launched the brand spanking new Windows Vista operating system which boasted huge memory and processor requirements to take advantage of all its flashy new features that nobody wants. Everyone and their mother has at this point downgraded back to XP and frankly your mother uses a Mac for Christ's sake.
We were going to dog Bill Gates about this one but he's getting some commendable charity work done. So instead we're going to give him a quick puff piece courtesy of our internet correspondent, I Justine. Justine, tell us all about Bill Gates. Thanks Lex. Bill was born in 1903 to a train conductor and a philatelist. Look it up. In 1956 he invented the personal computer and by 1962 he was the world's first internet billionaire. Bill Gates can kill a bear with his bare hands and often does so for sport.
He once chopped down a cherry tree and then ate the whole damn thing. He's addicted to painkillers and allergic to cinnamon which is a problem because his breakfast cereal of choice is always cinnamon toast crunch laced with coating.
In 2017 Bill invented the Zune and revolutionized the music industry and becoming very close with Amy Winehouse. They are now lovers. P.S. The next version of the Zune has an all new D.R.M. that is totally awesome. Back to you Lex. Thanks Justine.
So the number seven douchebag of the year award goes to Microsoft, our largest ever douchebag and yes we are including Rosie O'Donnell in that assessment. Douchebag number six, evangelist Dr. James Dobson. He's urging his fellow Christians to ignore global warming so that they can focus on opposing gay marriage and encouraging sexual abstinence unsuccessfully in keeping with Dobson's interpretation of the Bible. Meanwhile warming ocean waters have led to a global population explosion of jellyfish and this is true that jellyfish explosion has wiped out Ireland's only salmon farm and enveloped Japan in an ocean of slime. Dr. Dobson of course just continues to beat his dog, literally, as he documents in his book, Dare to Discipline. Dare to douchebag? Don't mind if we do James. Douchebag number five, Jerry Falwell. Forgive us for having two consecutive evangelists on this year end douchebag roundup. We're sure it's nothing more than a total coincidence. But with Falwell going and dying on us, how the heck are we supposed to work him into next year's year in douchebaggery for 2008? Douchebag dying. Douchebag number four, Pearl. That baby is a really, really, really mean landlord. Douchebag number three, Michael Vick.
As you might have heard, it turns out that the Falcons quarterback was into dog fighting. Now he's in prison and he's about to reach a whole new level of understanding for cock fighting. It's sort of like fencing, if fencing were man on man rape. But making dogs fight and killing them is douchebag-ish. Douchebag number two, it's a tie.
A tie between Bill Belichick, head coach of the New England Patriots and admitted football cheater, and Kors Light, makers of crappy beer and crappier on-air advertisements for their beer featuring edited press conferences footage. Coach Belichick, what role did cheating have in the Patriots' successes so far this season?
I thought it was important, Mike. It's Lex, actually. I'm not Mike.
But anyway, how obnoxious do you think those Kors Light ads really are? You want to talk about the game? No, I don't want to talk about the game. You know why, Billy? Because I don't talk to douchebags and you and Kors Light are douchebags-ish.
And finally, douchebag number one, Brittany Spears. If you really need us to explain how the surprisingly non-pregnant half of the Spears daughter duo earned the douchebag award for this year through her multiple trips to rehab, her head shaving, her paparazzi hitting with cars, her paparazzi hitting with her naughty bits, her flashing of those naughty bits, her disastrous VMA performances, her ongoing ridiculous behavior, the umbrella incident, her new songs, well, if you can't figure it out, then award yourself an honorable mention on the crack.com year in douchebaggery list. Frankly, we've retired Brittany from the news on crack since she makes it so easy for us to do what we do here, but then we'd have to stop being lazy. That's not going to happen. That, my friends, is the year in douchebaggery. It's the week in douchebaggery. Be sure to check back on Monday for the last episode of the news on crack for 2007 or we'll make your Xbox 360 blink red. |
TheOnion | Human_Head_Found_In_Hamburger | A Burger King customer in Albany, New York got more than he bargained for with his lunch yesterday. Carl Emerson, a local electrician, was surprised to find a human head stuck between the buns of his double whopper cheeseburger. I took a bite and I thought to myself, this isn't right. Emerson said he has no plans to take legal action against the franchise, which he called his favorite fast food restaurant. I'll definitely come back and eat a Burger King because I like it so much and it's close to my house. It is curious to find out how the eight-pound head found its way into his sandwich. We've told our employees that if anyone has information about a head or knows someone who's missing a head to come forward. Some suspect the head was introduced into the sandwich at the factory where Burger King's beef patties are produced. Police however say it was probably slipped in while in the restaurant's kitchen due to the head's placement between the lettuce and the tomato of the burger. No, it's not bad at all compared to the horse head. Even still to come, the Pope speaks out against a general lack of suffering. |
TheBetootaAdvocate | A_Big_Backpedal_Jenny_Cops_The_Blame_Pete_Davidson_Bites_Back_More_February_18 | You're listening to the Batutah Advocate's weekly news wrap on Desert Rock FM 96.5 Welcome back to the weekly Batutah Advocate news bulletin recording live here from downtown Batutah Desert Rock FM studios in the old city district only two of us today you've got myself Clancy Overill editor of the Batutah Advocate and of course Wendell Hussey our treasured news reader how are you Wendell? Yeah going well thanks Clancy checking for communists underneath my bed every night before I go to sleep but yeah I'm okay how are you? Red's under the bed mate there's plenty of them apparently we're gonna hear a lot more about them as the 2022 federal election ramps up. Yeah so keep an eye yourself and Errol Parkey's off on one of those boys trips that he likes to go on the nature trips wherever he goes for a few days to get away from it all so it's just Clancy and I and we'll get it. Preppers I believe they're called.
Yeah yeah yeah that's it that's the terms that they go under now we're gonna get into it with a national story first up and the headline on it reads blokes who sold Darwin Port to China still acting like they give a fuck about national security. Yes after embarrassing themselves by mangling some weird religious discrimination bill that even hardcore Christians weren't that keen on the government is trying to convince the nation that we will be a Chinese controlled territory if a Labor government has voted in in the next election. Yeah that is despite the boss of ASIO coming out and asking them to not politicize national security and the former boss of ASIO claiming that divisive comments from the Prime Minister and the Defence Minister actually benefit China and are a greater threat to our democracy than foreign interference. But as the member for Wentworth Dave Sharma said on some random Sky News program ASIO should stay out of politics and leave it to the blokes who sold the Port of Darwin to a Chinese company with close links to the Chinese Communist Party to continue banging on about Labor being Chinese puppets. Sounds like Sharma is pulling out all stops as well.
Another political story for you next up and two years of marketing focus groups have determined that it was all Jenny's fault that Scott Morrison and his family went to Hawaii a couple of years ago. Yes the government re-election strategy of 2022 is to blame the Prime Minister's wife for every mistake he has made. That comes after the light hearted 60 Minutes puff piece aimed at winning back suburban voters who think the Prime Minister is actually incapable of any critical thought or any form of political instincts. Yeah it was initially billed as a sit down with Morrison and his family but it turned out to just be 30 minutes of Jenny apologising for certain things on Scott's behalf and talking shit about survivors of child sexual abuse with a little bit of ukulele thrown in too. Just another thing the daggy dad is not particularly good at, we aren't sure yet how many more appearances Jenny will be making in the campaign but if things continue to go the way they are we can guarantee we'll see her apologising a lot more. Well she said she hates politics and wants to stay out of it so we'll just have to see how that plays out.
Some celebrity news and American funnyman Pete Davison has escalated his feud with Kanye West by asking if he still likes fish sticks in his mouth. Yes it's a social media fight that's got plenty of the world watching. If you aren't across it comedian Pete Davison has joined the American royal family the Kardashians replacing rapper Kanye West and Ye is not happy about it at all. Not at all he's launched a tirade of social media reviews accusing some pretty entertaining memes and snapshots of a private text conversation with both Kim Kardashian and with Pete Davison. However Pete Davison the sickly looking funnyman this week has fired back asking Kanye if he's still keen on eating heaps of fish sticks. Yeah West was later reported as saying he doesn't actually know what that means but it still hurt his feelings.
Some sports news now and Channel 9 has flown Phil Gaskold over to western Ukraine to do a special opening monologue for World War 3. A special occasion calls for the final word from Gaskold and with the world watching Eastern Europe it looks like we could be treated to one of Phil Gould's finest speeches. As 130,000 Russian soldiers play cards on the Ukrainian border Channel 9 have transported the rugby league commentating icon over to the snowy battlefields to provide a spine tingling intro if things do indeed kick off. Yeah it's yet to be released but we managed to get a copy of his first draft and some of it reads particularly well. One segment I've got reads like this nerves insecurity fear it will all give way to courage and bravery it'll give way to the commitment you have to your teammates and your nation it will give way to the commitment you have to do whatever is necessary to win why because that's what warriors do let's cheer on these brave souls and let's hope they can be origin players tonight enjoy your World War 3 folks. Sensational stuff there from Gaskold obviously there are a lot of comments on that one and one of the better ones was from Gavin Cosson who said Ukraine just needs to complete their sets have some belief take control of the football keep possession that's how they win tonight.
Now finishing up with some good news for those who cannot stand supermarkets declaring a holiday too early we at The Advocate can exclusively reveal that supply chain issues may cause hot cross buns to appear on shelves at an appropriate time for once. Yes fresh out of the oven this scoop as Australian retailers continue struggling to fully stock their shelves due to the spicy cough related supply chain issues it seems like the Easter holiday favourite might actually start appearing in supermarkets around the time they are supposed to. Despite containing sultanas and traces of Christianity hot cross buns are one religious tradition that a lot of Australians can get on board with but plenty of criticism has been leveled at our supermarkets for taking the piss a little bit recently. Yes in recent years the sweet Easter treats have been popping up in supermarkets as early as January but with a deficit in forklift drivers, truck drivers and warehousing staff supply chain issues mean the seasonal delicacy may not be available until just before the Easter long weekend or at a normal time. Yes hopefully they do overstock though and we can look forward to breakfast hot cross buns for a few weeks after the main event. Anyway that's all for our news wrap for this week we hope you've enjoyed it and we hope you join us again soon bye bye. Hooroo. you |
SaturdayNightLive | papyrus_2_snl | Things were starting to look up. Very proud of you Steven. Remember, we're gonna just try to avoid triggers. there it is. I'm sorry. Little setbacks would happen every now and then, but I felt in control.
I can't help you. I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I can't help you.
I felt like it was all in the past. it was just a bad dream. your job is really cool. you I don't know first thing about you. I'm in between things right now. Yeah, had a rough couple years. had to go away for a while. this is that first date material. Sorry, it's okay. we all have something. My something was hard to explain. My something was that Avatar. one of the most expensive movies in history. used Papyrus as its logo. I wasn't going back to that. I found my piece. And then it happened. I came face to face with my demons. There, I was trapped, all my progress, all my work about to be undone when I see that title.
Oh yeah, they swim now, yeah. So yeah again. just to be clear, not a huge improvement. but it made me feel like there was hope in the world. Like maybe if we raise our voice change can happen.
He just put it in bold. he just put it in bold. All the money in the world and he just put it in bold. It's him. it's the same designer. he just put it in bold. Took him seconds. a minute tops.
And if you see the logo so great, I mean wants to hear about someone who works in it? It for Disney Years to write the wrong with the first logo And what does he do? he just highlights the first one and puts it in bold mind if I sit. Sure, I'm coming to your work event. What's to the Disney Graphics Awards Ball? This is really cool, um, I just I want to thank you all for recognizing my latest creation, brand-new Avatar Logo. We really had so much fun working on this thing.
Tell them what you did.
The Avatar Logos Papyrus in Bold. It's an afterthought. Avatar spawned worlds, right? every little leaf of every little flower, every little eyelash of every little creature thoroughly thought out. But the logo? It's Papyrus in Bold.
Nobody cares. Does James Cameron care? I don't think so. he's probably at the bottom of the ocean.
Who the hell are you? Just Stephen Windings. Is your father? Jonathan Wingdings? Yeah, I can't imagine what that would be like to be raised by such a deliberately obtuse man. Someone who created something. So this is not about me. this is about you. I think this is about you.
Do you know why I like Papyrus? Because Papyrus was there from the very start, ushering in enlightenment. After enlightenment, Papyrus was the first drop in the Great.
Well, that is the human brain. From the conception of Reiki, to the first western publishing of the Kama Sutra, to the pioneer middle schoolers who burned the edges of their book reports to give it that old-timey feel to yes, Avatar. And here, Papyrus compelled me to make a bold to bring you to me to teach you to let go. Yeah, so hard to read in Avatar. Wasn't too big of a movie to use Papyrus. it's humble enough to say thank you. Had a rough couple years, had to go away for a while. this is that first day material. Sorry. it's okay. we all have something. My something was hard to explain. My something was that Avatar one of the most expensive movies in history, used Papyrus as its logo.
I wasn't going back to that. I found my piece. And then it happened. I came face to face with my demons. there. I was trapped, all my progress, all my work about to be undone when I see that title. They tasted.
Oh, yeah, they swim Now, yeah, the logo is different. Okay, it's not a huge improvement, but it's not a virus. So we must have said something. So yeah again, just to be clear, not a huge improvement. But it made me feel like there was hope in the world. Like maybe if we raise our voice change can happen.
He just put it in bold. All the money in the world and he just put it in bold. It's him. it's the same designer. he just put it in bold. He took him seconds. a minute tops.
And if you see the logo so great, I mean wants to hear about someone who works in it? It for Disney Years to write the wrong of the first logo. and what does he do? he just highlights the first one and puts it in bold. where do you mind if I sit? uh, sure, I'm coming to your work event. What's to the Disney Graphics Awards ball? This is really cool, um, I just I want to thank you all for recognizing my latest creation, brand-new Avatar logo. We really had so much fun working on this thing.
Tell them what you did.
The Avatar Logos Papyrus and Bowl. The Avatar Logos. Papyrus and bowl. It's an afterthought. Avatar spawned worlds, right? Every little leaf of every little flower, every little eyelash of every little creature thoroughly thought out. But the logo. It's Papyrus in bold.
Nobody cares. This James Cameron care. I don't think so. he's probably at the bottom of the ocean.
Who the hell are you just Stephen Windings? Is your father Jonathan Wing Dings? Yeah, I can't imagine what that would be like to be raised by such a deliberately obtuse man.
Someone who created something. So this is not about me. this is about you. I think this is about you.
Do you know why I like Papyrus? Because Papyrus was there from the very start, ushering in enlightenment. After enlightenment, Papyrus was the first drop in the great. well, that is the human brain. From the conception of Reiki to the first western publishing of the Kama Sutra, to the pioneer middle schoolers who burned the edges of their book reports to give it that old timey feel to yes, Avatar. And here Papyrus compelled me to make a bold to bring you to me to teach you let go Yeah, was so hard to read in Avatar. wasn't too big of a movie to use Papyrus. it's humble enough to say thank you thank you. |
dropout | hardly_working_car_alarm | Oh my god, so annoying.
You really think so? Yes. Why?
I, uh, I write car alarms on the weekends. That one was actually one of my biggest hits. That was unbearable. Thank you. Wait, hold on, wait a minute. You write car alarms?
That's a thing? I'm in the union. You've probably heard some of my stuff around town. Oh, like what? Uh, well there's...
That was you? I hate that one. That one kept me up just last night.
That one actually won a horny. The award's called a horny?
Yeah. Makes sense. What about that one that's like... Call me. That's you?
Wow! Hey!
What about that fucking one that's like... Me, me, me and Harry Connick Jr. actually. Class S. You know, I totally can't stand the one that's like... I actually didn't write that one. Yeah, it's actually mine.
I was kind of hoping for some feedback or... It was kind of grating. Dude, it sounded nice.
Fuck, I spent six months on that! Actually, I'm running a new one. Maybe we could workshop it? Right now it goes...
Oh, that's awful! I hate that!
And what if there's a little thing at the end that was like... Or like... And then...
Take it back to you!
Oh my god, you guys. This is a disaster. Keep going. Don't stop. Oh my god, you guys. This is a disaster. Keep going. Don't stop. Oh god, it's a nightmare!
Hey man!
We're almost there! Follow me.
That's it! Stop! I can't take any more! We're gonna win the Horny! Yay!
Beep-pod. Take it to your pal! Floor-nore-nor. Beep-pod. Take it to your pal! You Hacks! |
dropout | make_waiting_for_your_uber_sexy | Let's go back to your place. Let me get an Uber.
Okay.
I'm sorry. That's not sexy. No.
You're getting an Uber.
Not sexy. Oh, damn it. It was so sexy a second ago. You know, we could make this sexy.
Yeah. Oh. Yeah, hey. It's surge pricing right now. I'm going to surge in you. Oh, no. Too much too fast. No, yeah. You're right. Okay. Oh.
Are you looking at the map? I'm trying to decide where to put your pin.
I'm going to put it right here. Yeah. Put it right there. Yeah, put it right there. Oh, yeah. Put it there.
I'm going to enter my address. Oh, yeah. Enter your address. My address has a dash in it.
It's really long. Oh, put the whole thing in there.
Yeah. Well, it's in. You want to do something wild? Let's get an Uber pool. Oh, yeah. You want to get some other people in on this? Oh, yeah. Usually, it would just be the driver. But I want other people to ride. It's going to be so hot in that car. Yeah.
And stuffy. Mm-hmm.
Usually, I'd take an Uber Black because they're bigger. But this is fun, too.
There's no Ubers around. Oh, try Lyft. I love Lyft.
Yeah. They let me put the tip in. Oh, yeah. All right.
Do you like it in the pink? I like a mustache ride sometimes. Oh, you're wild. Mm-hmm. I like Lyft because I can ride it in the front or the back.
Oh, yeah? Why? Because you like to fist the driver. Huh? Fist bump.
Oh, yeah. Hell, yeah. Yeah.
You know what else? What?
Lyft will pick me up at the airport. Is that, um... That's just something cool about Lyft.
Oh, cool. Great. Oh. Ernest is coming. Oh, is he? Yeah. I want to watch him come. Oh, yeah. You want to see him come? Yeah. He's in a black Toyota Matrix. Oh. It's a hybrid. Oh, fuck yeah. Oh, that makes me feel so good morally. Yeah. It's going to be so tight in there. Yeah. Oh, yeah.
I'm going to have to just shove my legs back. Oh, he's almost here, but the pen's in the wrong place. Uh-oh. Wave your hand around to get him here.
Oh, like this? No, like this. Yeah, like that.
Okay. Oh, yeah, he's so close. Okay, he's coming. Oh, there he is. Yeah, that's him. Oh, there he is.
Oh, fuck yeah. Oh, fuck. Oh, God.
I thought he was going to hit me in the face.
Oh, that was great. Yeah. Oh. Hey, man. How's your night going? Long and hard. Oh, yeah. Oh.
Hey, it's Graham from College Humor.
Click here to subscribe to the channel. Click here for more fun stuff.
Sorry. Guys, it feels like I'm out. Because I can see the top of the camera, so it's... Is this better? All right. It feels worse. Okay. Thanks for watching. |
ClickHole | watch_the_big_bang_theory_with_more_laughter_added_in | Ice Dragon, Lesser Warlord of Ka'a. Not so fast.
Infinite Sheldon. Infinite Sheldon? Yes, Infinite Sheldon defeats all other cards and does not violate the rule of its co-made cards because I made it for him.
Do you understand why people don't want to play with you? No. Although it's a question I've been pondering since pre-school.
Hey.
Hey, your copy of Science magazine was in my mailbox. Check it out. All about playing system. That's an atom. Do you know what I mean? That's what I love about science. There's no one right answer. Oh. When's that again, huh? Yeah, it is. Were we here earlier?
You want to talk science with me? You want to talk science with you? You want to talk about rocks, dinosaurs, our friend the beaver?
You know, I saw this great thing on the Discovery Channel. Turns out that if you kill a starfish, they just come back alive. Was the starfish wearing boxer shorts? Because you might have been watching Nickelodeon.
Oh, shit. Guys who claim they spent most of their lives being bullied, you can be real jerks. Shame on all of you. |
TheOnion | Osama_Bin_Laden_Foundation_Awards_Fellowships_To_20_Promising_Young_Terrorists | Following the Osama bin Laden Foundation's announcement of their 2013 Mohammed Attar Fellowship winners, 22-year-old recipient Shaheed Farooq spoke with The Onion about being named one of the top 20 young terrorists to receive the prestigious $20,000 grant to study under experienced Islamic extremists. When the Attar outreach representative called me, I was just so shocked. I'm still pinching myself. I mean having the chance to learn from the same guys who did the 1998 U.S. embassy bombing in Nairobi and studying insurgency tactics with somebody like Ayman al-Hawaziri. It's just an incredible opportunity. I felt very confident about my personal essay on what the word fatwa means to me, and I never actually thought the word would like my idea to use strategically placed IEDs to demolish the Golden Gate Bridge during rush hour. The highly selective program reportedly received submissions from over 900 qualified up-and-coming extremists between the ages of 15 and 25 from all across the world. According to bin Laden Foundation officials, the 20 winners are the young jihadists who best demonstrated their expertise in handmade explosives, car bombings, and taking high-valued hostages, all in the spirit of the fellowship's namesake, 9-11 hijacker Muhammad Atta. I owe everything to my parents' support. Without their devoted teaching, I never would have known the importance of jihad and be willing to sacrifice my life for the sake of Allah. This is a dream come true.
Death to all infidels!
For more on this story, check this week's Onion Review. |
cracked | who_will_be_the_new_rick_morty | How will the show Rick and Morty continue without the voices of Rick and Morty? It will continue, but the show is looking to replace Justin Roiland, co-creator and lead voice actor of the massively popular and massively memed adult swim show Rick and Morty. That's right, the voices of both Rick and Morty are played by the same person. A grandson and grandfather have the same voice, there's a touching Disney movie there somewhere. But Roiland's story ain't so touching, Roiland has been excommunicated by the network in the midst of his fight against felony domestic violence charges. Now I'm worried for my job here. The show responded responsibly to these charges, but now they have no one to iconically whine, whimper or burp with such grotesque vigor that they inspire a nation. Fans of the series have already begun the wild speculation and suggestion as to who will take up the mantle of the two. Or one of the most recognizable voices behind the belches and kvetching internet nerddom can't get enough. |
cracked | why_nostalgia_is_total_bull_people_watching_10 | So it seems like nostalgia is a thing these days Probably every toy I had as a kid is now a movie trilogy and the new games look like old games and everything is in fashion And yeah, yeah, you're nodding. Okay, you know what I mean.
It does seem like the past is the fucking place to be When you were a kid you had a big house and a shitty black and white TV But now you've got a 55 inch plasma and a six hundred dollar phone But a shitty apartment with mirrors instead of other rooms because house prices start at half a million and I doubt you would have accepted The trade-off if you'd been asked first One day you realize that you need binoculars in a clear day to see the poverty line Your whole life is the equivalent of playing tennis with a frying pan and the only thing between you and those official poor people You see on the news is your parents bailing your ass out Oh and you'd love to have kids of your own, but how the fuck are you ever gonna be able to afford that? So maybe it makes sense why people are nostalgic for childhood because anyone looking at the world right now would conclude that shit is fucked Like if people from the future were watching us now fuck knows what they'd be thinking now is bullshit now sucks Especially on a personal level certainly my life probably seems like a joke and yet the thing is I'm still not nostalgic Not even close man. Not even a little And you're staring now trying to figure out why the fuck I'm so happy with all this You look at me like you look at the world and you probably just see a whole lot of wasted potential And I definitely see that myself sometimes. I mean you grow up It's all before you and you start forming who you are But then suddenly schools over and youth over and you have to take what you've built and somehow make it work But what if it doesn't what if all freedom did was allow you to become Unmarketable what if you're carefully crafted persona came at the expense of developing practical skills? And it constantly feels like a miracle that you're not currently living in a cardboard box in an alley What if that was another trade-off? What if you had to spend so much time and emotion trying to find out who you are that when you look around it feels Like you began 100 feet back from the starting line What if you have decades left to go yet? It always feels like there's no time left Sometimes it feels like you're stuck in some kind of permanent brunch between school and adulthood Constantly expecting maturity to kick in in the way TV said it would but as the years pass it never seems to happen You keep waiting keep getting dressed up for the ball, but it keeps getting deferred and meanwhile They're telling you to prepare for adult life They're telling you to learn some relevant skills and go outside and meet someone But they never tell you how and they definitely don't tell you about all the other shit You're gonna be learning while you're trying to learn how to type or pour drinks or dance for the people and you've had to learn a lot You know You've had to learn to be alive but not exist because people look at you and willfully ignore anything beneath the surface You've had to learn how to bury the anger because if you didn't all there would be is anger You've had to learn how to imitate humans so you can pass for one of them But you still worry about being discovered You've had to learn how to live with the knowledge that one day this will all be over and all you can do Is desperately try to make some ripples in the water to prove you were here before you sink below forever and you've had to learn how to live with the fact that millions of people won't even get that much because overwhelming heartbreak and injustice is a constant and you were just lucky to not be born into it and don't you dare waste that gift don't You dare turn out to be nobody and when you're done learning all that you'd better learn to look backwards because none of the shit existed When you were a kid, so that's gonna be your happy place forever They never said that one day you'd feel like it wasn't for work You just want to sleep forever that sometimes the mechanisms that let you go anywhere It can also paralyze you the competition that anyone can win is also what can help you destroy yourself by constant comparisons to everyone else in the race So you can be independent and attractive with a decent job and an apartment and you'll still feel like a total fucking failure half The time maybe there won't even be an earth in the future the way things are going But if there is if we somehow invent our way out of climate change and prejudice and terrorism and nuclear war If there's some amazing future society that looks back on us the way we look back on the black death Are they gonna see anything more salvaging are people in the future just gonna be laughing at us if they can time travel They're probably here right now. They probably watch the past for entertainment exactly like we do with movies They're probably invisibly walking around staring like we stare at an aquarium pointing at all the primitive Creatures that never made it on the shore how we spend so much time doing things we hate how we're constantly held back by selfishness How we all look the same but hate each other regardless how you can get a few million of us in one place and yet When you zoom in you see how alone everyone feels I know they'd at least never want the world to return to how it was They sure as hell wouldn't be nostalgic for this But you know what I try to feel that way, too We're supposed to yearn for the good old days We're supposed to look around like we're at the end of history and think that everything is fucked and it all gets gradually worse But that's bullshit because I look back and I can only speak for myself But I never had so much as I have now.
I look back and I was never this poor. I was never this focused either. I Was never this stressed, but I was never this responsible. I Was never this discouraged, but I was never this engaged. I Was never this tired, but I was never myself either I Was never this afraid, but I swear to God.
I was never this determined And I don't know a lot, but I know I'd never want to be any me except this one Some days it seems hopeless and like nothing will get better And you just want to be someone's kid again for a minute and not have to worry about everything But on other days I remember how I've never enjoyed anything as much as I enjoy the things I've accomplished and the people who I only know Because of who I am now I'd like to see a movie trilogy about that I'd like to see a movie where everybody realizes that nobody is who they were when they were born because it's your right to work Toward something you're happy with I'd like to see a movie about how things do get better and fear can't change the world because love Is the only thing motivating enough to shape the future and if people from the future are looking back at me They're gonna see someone who's looking back at his own past and his only nostalgic for Halloween and summer because this This is me and I like me believe it or not Am I making sense here? What do you think? I think this is easily the worst lap dance ever I know. I'm sorry. It's been that kind of year. I guess no, it's fine. I completely agree with you actually I may look like I know what I'm doing But I look back and there are a lot of bad haircuts and bad choices and ten years from now I'll probably feel the same looking back on this Sorry, it is what it is. You can look back and say your favorite TV show could never get made today But maybe it's because we've learned to make better shows Maybe we can't make this place great again because it's fucking never been as great as it is now and as great as we'll Make it in the future and as for any time travelers watching us. What would the future say about the past? I don't know.
What do you say about your own past? I just say I'm glad I kept going Because whatever this is, it's not the end Whatever I think of my past self I'm so thankful that despite all the assholes despite all the hate despite all the bullshit He didn't give up Because I'm only here in a place I like because of him not giving up It's not nostalgia. It's not regret It's just gratitude, you know That's exactly what I was about to say Thank you So |
dropout | jake_and_amir_the_adobe_imagination_challenge_sponsored | I think the key is to just do what you like doing and do it consistently to the point that like if it's funny it'll find an audience. And don't wait for permission is the huge thing. You're not going to find somebody to sponsor your web series before you make it.
Jake Hurwitz and I'm Amir Blumenfeld. We are web series creators, writers, actors and editors. I'm also a knife salesman.
That's fine. What? You just use web series creators. Well, okay. I do sell knives though. I know. You do. You don't successfully do it. Right. Did you ask what we were successful at or what we do?
The imagination challenge is super cool because, you know, usually with creative outlets there's no specific reward for it other than like your internal ability. Like it all comes from like you wanting to just be creative and this is like, okay, you can do that too, but you can also win money.
So we're looking forward to that. That's true. What was the inspiration behind our series was sort of to make each other laugh. Yeah. That was the whole thing.
My favorite Adobe product is a Photoshop, I think just because it was one of the first things I learned when I came to College Humor. One of my old jobs was finding images for articles. And if there wasn't one on Google image, I would just make one myself.
Yeah. I remember like a lot of those were very bad. Yeah. I was learning. Yeah. So it'd be like his article would be about a kid in dorm and then you would use the paintbrush tool on Photoshop to just sort of. I drew a stick figure. Yeah.
And a little house. A hut.
You got reprimanded for that. I did. Yeah. Because like a lot of the times they wanted actual photos.
We look to each other for inspiration, don't we? I inspire you. I inspire you and I get inspirations from.
From me. Out. From anywhere. Really.
Whether it's. Each other. Or someone else. Because it doesn't necessarily always happen. It's not you.
Like I'm sorry, what do you want me to say?
We have a lot of fans who are more talented than we are. Like we have. I'd say all of our fans.
Yeah. The vast majority at least. And if we can use Photoshop, certainly they can. So I guess I'm just excited to see how much more talented everybody is in me. Yeah, that's going to make us feel really good. Yeah. |
cracked | why_back_to_the_future_is_secretly_horrifying_after_hours | We don't have to get into a thing. Look around you, Soren. We are in a thing. This is us, in a thing.
Do you think she heard me say no raisins? I mean, she didn't write it down. What are we talking about?
Back to the future. I'm allergic to raisins. Oh, specifically how it has the worst ending in movie history. So, like, actually, allergic, or you just don't like them? Okay, it's the end of the movie.
We're back in present day, but everything's different because Marty's gone back in time to help his parents meet. But, present day George and Lorraine still had a pretty substantial relationship with Marty back in 1955. Lorraine was even hot for Marty, like in a weird, gross, reverse-edible sort of way. Then Lorraine marries George and gives birth to the same person they went to high school with. Now, if I married my high school sweetheart and we had a kid that looked exactly like someone we went to high school with, that would be a red flag. Not to mention that Lorraine had a thing for Marty and then named her kid Marty.
Well, it's weird about loving your mother. Why are you drinking out of a jug? Okay, it's not weird.
People name their kids after old friend all the time. You should name one bowling alley after the last place we made love. Okay, last implies multiple interactions. I think you mean iterations. Occasions. Interrelations, occasions. Does that have raisins?
Marty drove his parents insane. It's the worst happy ending ever.
Yeah, but the kid they knew in 1955 wasn't named Marty. That's right, and he was Calvin Klein. So now they look him up and see that Calvin Klein got rich selling the same underwear that 1955 Marty was wearing, and he doesn't even look a thing like him.
Does somebody want these? They don't know it's real anymore. It's like when you discover your au pair Denise isn't your real mother. That's nothing. Alright, go back to the ending.
So George and Lorraine are hip and married and they got their weird bastard time paradox kid or whatever, and Biff is now a neutered pseudo-servant to the McFly family. I think anyone ever casually mentions the time Biff tried to rape Lorraine. What happened between sex criminal and Butler is very necessary plot information. Yeah, but it was the 80s. All movie bullies were sort of doing stuff like that. You guys are just thinking about Marty's parents. I mean, Marty got screwed too.
Herkinsons, Katie? Really? She's great.
Okay, first of all, we learn that Lorraine is like a danger slut. I mean, she only falls for George because he's injured. Then in the alternate past, Marty gets injured and she falls for him. That's the basic plot of the movie, yes. But it shows that she's not actually attracted to George, she's just attracted to danger in accidents. No, she's just nurtured. No, it's danger. I mean, she only eventually falls for George after he fights off Biff mid-rape. I mean, in Lorraine's eyes, someone getting hit by a car?
Hot. Someone getting punched in the face? Hotter. Someone getting punched in the face while being raped? Hottest.
I don't see what this has to do with Marty. Can you imagine finding out that your mom is some sort of sex fiend that can only orgasm when danger is involved? I mean, Marty had to figure that out first hand. Imagine your mother in the context of that sentence right now. Now, okay, that's gross and weird and so are both of yours, but still not the worst thing to come out of Back to the Future.
Dan, the man has a disease. It's merely not work. Okay, so we're back at the dance. Marty is performing for his parents. He wants to play something young, something hip.
The clear choice is Johnny Be Good, the Chuck Berry song. And in a clever little twist, Chuck's cousin calls Chuck and has him listen to Marty's song over the phone. And in an astonishing display of musicianship, Chuck learns the entire song via phone and releases his hit single, Johnny Be Good, shortly thereafter. Now, poor, poor Chuck Berry, whose only real crime was loving music.
And armed robbery. And videotaping women while they urinated.
And for freedom, in the Back to the Future mythology, Berry is an unapologetic thief. But Marty still learned the song from Chuck Berry recording, so technically, Chuck is still the song author. Well, unless you think that the timeline split into that. As hot as timeline splitting gets me, this is about rock history, a subject about which you are clearly woefully ignorant.
One, white people invented rock and roll. Don't patronize me. Counting's gay. Two, white people stole credit. When the Rolling Stones covered a muddy waters tune, it was called Rock and Roll. But when muddy played it, it was a slave record. Eventually, white people gave the credit to the people who deserved it. Ooh, black people. Shh. Black people.
But then, Marty stole it back. That's a stretch. Oh, I am in no way finished.
What is the first thing Marty does? The first person he talks to when he goes back to 55. The mayor! The black mayor. The first thing Marty does. Walks up to a black guy working a cash register and says, one day you will be mayor. And he says, say, mayor, I like the sound of that.
Is that your black voice? You sound like a blender. The idea hadn't even occurred to him. Marty gave this random black guy the push he needed to succeed in 1955. The year the Civil Rights Movement started. Okay, so you're saying? Black people invented hover boards. Close. I'm saying I wouldn't be surprised if the original rough draft of Back to the Future was just Marty time-traveling and crafting black history.
Why do you not? Is this part of your rap phase? Oh, are we allowed to talk about it now?
Wait, nobody's concerned that he just called Zemeckis a racist? Zemeckis. I'm not saying Zemeckis sat down with his typewriter and said, ooh, I'm going to go through American history and make it even whiter.
Not until Forrest Gump. Oh, my God. Don't even get me started on Forrest Gump.
You want to talk about a creepy rape scene? Not really. Yeah, all right. Okay, so imagine that the genders are reversed. What if it was a retarded girl showing up at the dorm room of a guy that she has a crush on? Is this about our first day? No, it's not about you need to just shut your face. Because it seems remarkably similar.
Let me tell it. Let me tell it back. Before I punch you in the face. There I am. I've just won the Indy 500. |
cracked | director_s_corner_new_guy_weekly | Hi, YouTube, this is Alex with another this week We go inside the making of cracked videos with a segment I call director's corner guys I'm here with Adam Ganser He is an editor and a writer and a director he's got his director head on today You know figuratively to tell us about how a crack video gets directed. Thank you Adam. Yeah Yeah, I'm very glad to be first thing you get a script How do you get it from there to like we're directing a video a lot of pre-production involves do some research on what kind of? Movies or various cinema that I'm parody and then I'll have my meetings with all my keys So like my director photography right but like not the boring I mean not the meetings we need that we need to get our lights and camera Oh, let's put on our Setup hat and you like send a guy is it like go to the closet in the building and get the things or do you like?
You go to that closet that closet right the closet by by its desk Yeah, you go to that passcode thingy on the front and you're like Yeah, yeah, I mean there's yeah, I don't know what the secret is you can't that you do it and then we'll keep Explaining like an old phone, you know, like you don't like it doesn't make noises. Oh, it's not I can't give out the Code to anybody Because right you can't give the code to anybody, you know, right?
Okay, right. You can give it to some buddies You know for safety just cuz that's a legal issue and his lawyer happens But yeah, like a like a British wig or something, right? Yeah, like a barristers wig.
Um, no, I can't I can't give you that one camera. Oh Yeah, it was definitely before we had a camera that was stolen it was very much before I was here Yeah, I wasn't even around we lost I was in I was in a different state Yeah, but somebody died in my family.
I feel like Anyway, so it's like eight three stop me if I if that's not an eight three Nope, nope. Okay five five five standing. It's almost gotta be a five.
That's very worn down. It's a very worn down number on the Just by fake alert.
So if that's what you if that's it I kind of need to Do you have some other work I can do like one o'clock? Why would you have to would you be busy and zoom in for the dramatic reveal I'll send you a Email where an introduction so you can talk to whoever you need to talk to about that and I can get back to what I need to do It's just like when I do One of there's filmmaking thing where you do a zoom and like you're supposed to dramatically reveal what okay? Okay, bye bye. Um, uh, oh One thing great one thing. It's just like I'm very confident and I'm very excited about all fit all things involving You know fun equipment eyes are like cameras. Really? I mean the eye is a powerful many many many many definitions Camera, there's so many things we could do, you know, if we just think outside the box for the light of box I don't know. I would assume like where would you even put the lights be a large? Like a wit like one of those shipping containers the directing life is neat. You know, it's like oh now I'm at my computer now. I'm outside working in my mind wherever creativity takes me. I just go there alright, so so how about I show you the equipment and then we can Move on guys. We are about to go inside the correct equipment room.
This is our red camera shoots in 4k It's one of our nicer cameras I mean I've used I've used that Kind of camera and I it was really this kind of camera. I Needed an escape video. I will do some action shots I'll be like on the board and then you know, this is a $50,000 camera. You took it On a skateboard. No, I can't be a 50 It is that that is what it costs. Okay, so man, you had dropped that cameraman You would be on the hook for $50,000 not covered when you take it when you're not allowed to take it because we have a locked Door that prevents people from getting thank you.
Thank you guys for watching new guy weekly Please email me at new guy quickly at gmo.com if you would like to touch me your pants Thank you for I smell that. No, we don't smell anything. What would you smell?
It's something in the room It's a weird you opened an old case Thanks for already subscribing to this channel Adam Todd Brown is the reason cracked has a stand-up comedy presence His show happens st. Patrick's Day at Westside Comedy Theatre in Santa Monica, and then he's taking his show on the road They're gonna be in Albuquerque, New Mexico, April 2nd. They're gonna be in Kansas City, Missouri April 7th You can find out about it at un pops dot tumblr.com or twitter.com slash un pops I also want to thank black tie geek for this item, which is secretly full of space invaders |
SaturdayNightLive | nick_burns_your_company_s_computer_guy_new_tech_guy_saturday_night_live | Oh, darn it, my computer froze again. You know, it hasn't been the same since that virus attacked the system.
Did anyone call Nick Burns? Yeah, I called him about half hour ago. he told me to go soak my head. I don't like that guy.
Well, I tried to run that Norton program to fix it, but it didn't work. And I don't know. that's because Norton Utilities can only detect a virus. it can't repair your hard drive after you've downloaded an infected program.
Patch Adams. Nick will fix your computer, then he's gonna make fun of you. Cause he's Nick Burns, your company's computer guy.
Okay, Blockheads, I'm getting ready to go on vacation. I'm training the new guy. if you need any help, you call him this week, All right? come on in here, Wang. hi, everybody. All right, who's having a problem? All right, one at a time, my brain doesn't have a zip drive. what's your problem? Well, I just, um, I can't, I'm trying to, I can't talk. Well, hurry up, my screen saver's about to kick in.
I'm doing the quarterly again. And I copied the spreadsheets into this new file, and this stupid computer just screwed up all my columns. Oh, it's a computer that's stupid, not you, right? the computer's screwed up. Yeah, okay, all right. I tried to cut and paste it. cut and paste? didn't I tell you these guys were stupid? go to your default font and change it to the spreadsheet font. My spreadsheet has a font. Move! Was that so hard? I didn't know my spreadsheet had a font. obviously. hey, you know, they're training monkeys down at the zoo to use computers. maybe I'll sign you up for a class.
Hey, Nick. hey, Wang. how are things going today? about as fast as an Lc475 with a 32-bit processor. Yeah, Lc475. Well, I got to remember that one in the chat rooms. So what's your deal? you know, the craziest thing's happening.
What, you stopped thinking about pudding for ten seconds? come on, I want to open this file. But it said, I don't have enough memory.
Move! was that so hard? Wang, go help out the Queen of Tetris over there. Okay. what's your problem, Einstein? Wang, I'm trying to download an attachment from an email, but when I try it, it says I need a file converter. So then I tried to save it to word first, but it won't let me. So what can I do? Move! did you fix it? Yeah, you fixed it.
I told you these flapjacks are one meg short of a gig. Son of A. is that you? that's me. that's you. Ah, it's those idiots over at the R&d. Well, I guess we got to make it like Microsoft. and split. L-o-l, let's go. Oh, by the way, you welcome! |
dropout | you_can_never_take_the_last_cookie | Ooh. Only some for someone else. Did you catch the newest ninja butt warriors? Uh, hell yeah I did. I don't want to take the whole thing. Do you remember when that lady used her butt to headbutt the other guy's butt? I rewound and I was still surprised. You taped it? Oh yeah, I tape everything. Huh, are we talking butt warriors? Yeah! You can probably just finish the whole thing, right? No, it's rude. Do you guys remember when that guy put the butter on his butt to butt his way into that butt fight? I was like, now this is television. Yeah, and you know I did some research on that guy and he used to be a baby. Come on. What? Are we talking butt warriors? Uh-huh. Scalpel. No, I can't watch the second one. No, right, that must be done. No one here will be rude. Guys, were you guys talking about ninja butts? Yeah! Really?
We ate all the cookies? No, Zach, we would never.
Oh my god, here. Easy does it. That one was rude.
I got an alert.
Yeah, we're talking ninja butts. Like 10 minutes ago. Yeah! Everyone ready? I'm about to split this thing.
I won't eat.
Oh no, the atom's unstable. This cookie's about to crumble. Run for your lives! The last bit of cookie. That is so rude.
Hi, I'm Rekha from College Humor. Click here to subscribe. Click here for other fun stuff. And thank you so much for watching. I love my job and I'm definitely not trapped in this video. Things are great. |
cracked | if_buzzfeed_videos_were_openly_insane | No, I've never tried that before. Uh, no, I have never tried it before, but I wanted to, so...
I know my mom has done it, but I mean, I think she was like in her 20s. It was a long time ago. I feel excited. I'm very excited, actually, because I heard it's supposed to be life-changing. I've heard it's a huge financial responsibility, but that's just a stereotype. Um, I've seen people post photos on Facebook after they've done it, and they always look really happy. I heard that Beyonce paid somebody to do it for her. I heard it's so popular in China, they have to regulate how often people do it. But it's pretty cool. They're doing it that much, you know.
Ah! Oh, man! Ah! I knew it!
Can I die for this? Actually, yes. Yolo! I'm so sure. My mom is going to kill me. This is not what I expected to be doing today. Yes. Yes, I will. Who says this?
Do I know them? You can tell me. I won't tell. Okay, just not if I know them. Are they nice?
Yeah! It's going to be fun. Cool. Do you have a cigarette? Okay.
This is weird. Ah, me! Oh, f***! This kind of hurts, you know. Uh, what up, giving birth, f***! What's my pulse? Look at me, this is hard. Ow! Get this baby out of me, you know what I'm saying?
Up top, no, don't. Stay down there. Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh.
Am I doing this right? There it is. Oh, all right on! Okay. I don't know. I mean, I'll try anything once, but this just really wasn't for me. Okay. Cool.
You know, should we do another one of these? You know, I have not tried kimchi. Do you want to do the kimchi one? Yeah, I'd probably do it again. I mean, yeah, why not, right? Like if I have a three-day weekend or something.
These things are like... They're like kind of messy and weird.
But I guess I kind of love it. I kind of love it.
Do you guys have a bag I can take us to go with you? Yeah, give the... This is your guys' now? This thing? I gotta go pretty soon. I got a bumblebee. So... Don't want to be late. Wait, wait, wait. Where are you guys going?
Hello? Hey!
Where do I leave the... Where do I leave this?
Sorry, just... I don't... Just... I don't... |
cracked | why_the_sandlot_is_secretly_about_american_racism | The Sandlot was the movie that taught us that terrorizing old blind men is awesome. So you're the one that's making all that racket. Low-level sexual assault is hilarious. And moving to a new town is pretty easy when you have a living saint in your neighborhood desperately trying to fill out the roster of his baseball team. It also taught us that fat kids playing baseball were cool. Which was a real boon for me in third grade. But what many of us fondly remember as a film dripping with nostalgia for a decade we never actually experienced might be a powerful allegory for the racial integration of Major League Baseball.
Oh no, it's about a dog and Dennis Leary and throwing up tobacco juice. That was you. All of you. Well hear me out. The movie takes place in 1962 right when the Civil Rights Movement in America was picking up steam.
And Benny the Jet Rodriguez is the leader of the Sandlot Orphans. Which is the team name I've just assigned them. Benny's team is a pretty diverse bunch of kids and they're all awesome baseball players. But we're given the impression that the rest of the neighborhood sees them as a bunch of shit-kicking troublemakers. The real baseball team, the kids that pedal up on their bikes to challenge the Sandlot gang to an exhibition game, they're obviously the district's official Little League team. Maybe the local junior high All-Stars. And they're all the whitest kids ever created. They acknowledge Benny is good but they clearly won't let him on the team. Either that or Benny just doesn't want to play baseball with a bunch of assholes. I know them feels. Then their golden king even calls the Sandlot players...
Want to read Jackson a fat kid, Rodriguez. Shut your mouth, Phillips. He's elitist racist baseball rolled into a single obnoxious future cocaine abuse statistic. His father probably owns a car dealership. What did you say?
Wait, what the hell were those kids doing riding around the neighborhood in full uniform? They obviously didn't have an official game schedule. Were they just wandering around looking for a bunch of plucky rascals to harass?
Is that a thing that bullies do? Hey, Sorin. Yeah. Is that a thing that bullies do?
Uh, I don't know, man. I gotta go. I gotta race a poor kid down a ski slope.
Thanks, Sorin. Love our talks. He's the best.
The Beast, the terrifying dog soaked in urban legend that serves as the film's primary antagonist, is a big scary monster that steals Small's autographed Babe Ruth ball. The dog embodies white America's feelings about baseball integration. A shambling ogre that would taint the legacy of all the great white players who came before it. When the Beast gets the ball, the game is over. And that's the irrational fear of integration. That baseball would be over if anyone but white people got to play. The Beast is even physically separated from the Sandlot by a giant fence. The gang's fear of the Beast, and consequently of the black baseball player who owns him, is fueled by ridiculous stories passed along by a caricature of a fearful white person.
Forever. Who in turn learned the story from his own family. My grandpa Squigman Paladors was police chief back then. When you ordered Mr. Myrtle to turn his backyard into a fortress, it chained up the Beast. The only reason the Sandlot gang is afraid of the Beast to begin with is because they've grown up hearing how terrible he is from all the people around them. Also, we know from earlier that they really don't like playing with the white people because they're dicks.
Shut up, Porter! Hey, hey, I'm just trying to have a little friendly conversation.
Benny and his team aren't in a hurry to knock the fence down, but they still play right next to it every day like they can sense some big change is coming. And the Beast stops looking like a monster and more like a normal dog, the second Benny finally hops a wall of garbage and meets him on equal footing. When the Beast gets over the fence, he chases Benny through a public pool, a school, and a park in a middle-class neighborhood, places that were infamously segregated.
The only people they offend during that entire chase sequence are white folks. And two vaudevillian chefs doing a zany cake routine for some reason.
When they finally get back to the Sandlot and knock the fence down, Benny and his team see that the Beast has a whole mountain of baseballs, all the great games that finally get to be played now that the wall is down. Then, Benny and Scotty Smalls finally meet the Beast's owner, James Earl Jones, who turns out to be a former Negro League Baseball player that got the vision knocked out of his skull by a stray pitch. He was so dedicated to the game that it cost him his sights, and his reward is to sit in a dusty old junkyard in terrified silence as a bunch of kids spend their entire summer attacking his dog. The only payment he asks in exchange for the murderer's row ball is that Benny and Smalls come talk to him once a week about baseball. He mentors these two kids, passing along years of priceless knowledge and experience that they never would have received had that fence not been felt. Consequently, Benny and Smalls are the only two members of the Sandlot gang who grow up to be involved in Major League Baseball.
The rest pursue other accomplishments of burying his team, except for Bertram. Bertram got really into the 60s, and no one ever saw him again. This is another way of saying that a moccasin-clad Bertram OD'd on a balloon full of heroin in somebody's bungalow.
Boy, that video was fun, huh? A lot of laughs to be had there. Dan was probably in it. A lot of good things happened. We all had a really good time together.
Go ahead and go down to the comments and tell us the most intricate details of this video. That was about dogs, I want to say. Or subscribe to our channel. Or share this video, disseminate it as you see fit. If you didn't like it, maybe now's the time for quiet. |
SaturdayNightLive | inside_politics_cold_open_snl | Good afternoon, I'm Dana Bash, and welcome to inside Politics. we'll give Wolf Blitzer an edible and an hour to solve the Middle East. But first, on Tuesday, President Joe Biden won the Michigan Primary.
But a New York Times poll today has him down five points, and many voters still have concerns about his age.
Here with me is Governor of California and Biden advocate, Gavin Newsom. Great to be with you, Dana.
I understand people care about the President's age, but what they should care about is his record. look at what Joe Biden has done for America. he's created more jobs than any President in history, inflation is down, the Shamrock shake is back, and Beyonce has gone country. Thank you, Joe. right, but can he make that case with the speed and sharpness that someone like you can? Dana, Joe can do it better. I was just with him, and behind closed doors, Joe is incredible. yesterday, we had a big meeting about the border, and God, he had such command. he had charts, tables, powerpoints, He had an interactive Ar display on the Apple Vision Pro that he programmed himself. the software might be in beta, but the man, he's an Alpha. Governor, I have to admit, I'm a little skeptical. this is the same man people call Sleepy Joe. Well, he has to sleep, Dana. but even when he's sleeping, he's on. the other day he was taking a nap and I whipped the baseball at him, and he caught it like De Niro in Awakenings. lightning quick. Just ask any of the people who are with him every day. very well, let's go live to Washington with White House Press Secretary Kareem Jean-pierre. Hello Dana. pleasure to be with you to talk about the most vigorous man I've ever known, Joe Biden.
Really? Absolutely. I was just with him, and behind closed doors, he's a whirlwind.
I mean Dana, look at his schedule. 7 a.m. Soul Cycle class. and I'm not talking about taking one, he leads it.
8.30 A.m. plays speed chess in the park. 8.32 A.m. wins chess game, points at opponent, and says, next time, Young Blood. 9.30 A.m. meets with Joint Chiefs for a Military strategy meeting and push-up contest. 10.02 A.m. wins contest, points at the head of the Joint Chiefs, and says, next time, Young Blood.
10.03 A.m. to 11 A.m. train time.
And that's all before a lunch where he eats five whole chickens and a raw potato.
Kareem, Biden is 81 years old, isn't that a little concerning? only if you're scared of wisdom. Look, Joe Biden was 30 years old before Roe Vs. Wade was instated, so you know he was smashing. he dealt with those restrictions then, as a young, handsome man, and he can deal with them now as an old, even more handsome man. ask anyone who works with him closely.
Well, let's do that. we are now joined live by Secretary of Homeland Security Alejandro Mayorkas. thanks for having me, Dana.
Man, I am exhausted. I was with Joe Biden for the past weekend, and he wiped me out.
Ok, so you feel he's up to the job. Dana, I was just with him, and behind closed doors, he's a dynamo.
This weekend, we both went down to the border town of Brownsville, Texas, and Joe went into beast mode. he said, we're going to tighten this border. look how easy I can cross it. Then he parcord up to the top of the border wall. he flipped into the Rio Grande and came back up with a fish in his mouth.
But you didn't report that because it doesn't fit your little narrative. Well, with all due respect, it doesn't fit reality.
Oh, please, Dana, we were all just with him. If you don't believe us, just ask a good friend of mine, one of the Nba's fiercest players, Golden State Warriors forward Draymond Green. let's go live to San Francisco. Hello, Mr. Green. yeah, what's up, Dana? are we talking about Joe Biden?
Because he got that dog in him. you've met the President. I was just with him, and behind closed doors, he is strong. Joe got that grandpa monkey strength, and he can jump. that man can jump so high that I saw him grab a dollar off the top of the backboard and leave some change.
Did you know he dunked on me? he dunked on you? yeah, yeah, it was disrespectful, too. he windmilled in my face, and he talked about, yeah, next time, young blood. And I wasn't having it, so I tried to punch him in the nuts, and I broke three fingers.
Yeah, you can't mess with Joe, Ma'am.
Governor, I have to say, we all know the stakes here. you don't have to exaggerate to make voters feel better. I'm not. what were you saying about Biden is true. you want to call him? let's facetime him.
I'll bet he's probably just right in the middle of the bike ride.
All right, can you put my phone up on the screen? hey, hey, all right. it's Kevin Duschia. Mr. President? hey, hold on.
I'm just going to turn off the volume. just got to find a button.
There we go. well, looks like he hung up. while the Governor tries to get him back on the line, let's take a break. and live from New York, it's Saturday. it's Friday. but a New York Times poll today has him down five points and many voters still have concerns about his age. Here with me is Governor of California and Biden advocate, Gavin Newsom. great to be with you, Dana. I understand people care about the President's age, but what they should care about is his record. Look at what Joe Biden has done for America. he's created more jobs than any President in history. inflation is down. the Shamrock shake is back. and Beyonce has gone country.
Thank you, Joe. right, but can he make that case with the speed and sharpness that someone like you can? Dana, Joe can do it better. I was just with him, and behind closed doors, Joe is incredible. yesterday, we had a big meeting about the Border, and God, he had such command. he had charts, tables, powerpoints. he had an interactive Ar display on the Apple Vision Pro that he programmed himself. the software might be in beta, but the man, he's an Alpha.
Governor, I have to admit, I'm a little skeptical. this is the same man people call Sleepy Joe. Well, he has to sleep, Dana. but even when he's sleeping, he's on. The other day, he was taking a nap, and I whipped the baseball at him, and he caught it like De Niro in Awakenings. lightning quick. just ask any of the people who are with him every day. very well. let's go live to Washington with White House Press Secretary Kareem Jean-pierre. hello, Dana. pleasure to be with you to talk about the most vigorous man I've ever known, Joe Biden. really? absolutely. I was just with him, and behind closed doors, he's a whirlwind. I mean, Dana, look at his schedule.
7 a.m. Soul Cycle class. and I'm not talking about taking one. he leads it. 8.30 A.m. place speed chest in the park.
8.32 A.m. wins chest game, points at opponent, and says, next time, young blood. 9.30 A.m. meets with Joint Chiefs for a military strategy meeting and push-up contest. 10.02 A.m. wins contest, points at the head of the Joint Chiefs, and says, next time, Young Blood.
10.03 to 11, train time.
And that's all before a lunch where he eats five whole chickens and a raw potato.
Kareem, Biden is 81 years old. isn't that a little concerning? only if you're scared of wisdom. Look, Joe Biden was 30 years old before Roe Vs. Wade was instated, so you know he was smashing. he dealt with those restrictions then as a young, handsome man, and he can deal with them now as an old, even more handsome man. ask anyone who works with him closely.
Well, let's do that. we are now joined live by Secretary of Homeland Security Alejandro Mayorkas. Thanks for having me, Dana.
Man, I am exhausted. I was with Joe Biden for the past weekend, and whew, he wiped me out.
Okay, so you feel he's up to the job. Dana, I was just with him, and behind closed doors, he's a dynamo.
This weekend, we both went down to the border town of Brownsville, Texas, and Joe went into beast mode. he said, we're gonna tighten this border. look how easy I can cross it. Then he parcord up to the top of the border wall. he flipped into the Rio Grande and came back up with a fish in his mouth.
But you didn't report that because it doesn't fit your little narrative. Well, with all due respect, it doesn't fit reality.
Oh, please, Dana, we were all just with him. If you don't believe us, just ask a good friend of mine, one of the Nba's fiercest players, Golden State Warriors forward, Draymond Green. let's go live to San Francisco. Hello, Mr. Green. Yeah, what's up, Dana? are we talking about Joe Biden because he got that dog in him? you've met the President.
I was just with him, and behind closed doors, he is strong. Joe got that grandpa Monkey strength, and he can jump. that man can jump so high that I saw him grab a dollar off the top of the backboard and leave some change.
Also, did you know he dunked on me? he dunked on you? yeah, yeah, it was disrespectful, too. he wind-neeled in my face, and he talked about, yeah, next time, young blood. And I wasn't having it, so I tried to punch him in the nuts, and I broke three fingers.
Yeah, you can't mess with Joe, Ma'am.
Governor, I have to say, we all know the stakes here. you don't have to exaggerate to make voters feel better. I'm not. what we are saying about Biden is true. you want to call him? let's facetime him.
I'll bet he's probably just right in the middle of the bike ride.
Well, looks like he hung up. Why, the Governor tries to get him back on the line. let's take a break. and live from New York, it's. |
dropout | Who_Tried_To_Join_a_Gang | Who tried to join a gang? I'm going to say, because he's from Compton. I knew it was Compton.
Hey, your words, not mine. That it has to be iffy. I'm going to go out and say that it isn't me. Okay. Oh, no. Well, who else would it be?
Yeah. You know, it would be someone, one of y'all who tried to join a gang. It did cross my mind. It was like, oh, because I remember when I was in Long Beach, they were like, oh man, if you join Rollin' Twenties, which is the gang that Snoop Dogg is in. It's like, sometimes he's at the parties. It could be good for your acting career. Yeah. It really opened up a lot of doors for him. Yeah. So I was like, am I really going to join a whole ass gang just for the chance to meet Snoop Dogg once to awkwardly go up to him at the party? Like, hey man, I really like that song you did with Pharrell's. Yeah. There are easier ways to meet Snoop Dogg. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
You know it's not me, because I was unleashing horses. There are no people around. And you know, you grew up in Seattle, so the only gang you could have joined is Hootie and the Blowfish. So the only leads process of the elimination, it has to be you, Kalila. Really? Yeah, it has to be.
There's not gangs in Seattle? Have you been to Seattle?
You didn't know why she is immediately disqualified from any day.
Like, who are you in the game with? You and Reggie Watts? That's it, that's the game. You, Reggie Watts, Danielle Radford, that's the game.
I know, I can name all the black people who have grown up in Seattle. Oh my God, well, what, maybe they're not black? Why don't all black people don't have to be in gangs? It could be, you know. Well, the white gangs don't like us.
I don't know how to tell you this. Grant's being awfully quiet. I was trying to join a white gang. I have to tell everyone a couple of things.
All right, let's get those final guesses in. Cody, who do you think? I'm gonna say it's you, just because it seems like a curve ball. I could see you continue to join a gang. Okay, Ashley, who do you think? I'm gonna say you. Ooh. That would be fun. Ify, who do you think? Kalila. Kalila, who do you think?
Wow. Lily. Will the attempted gang member please take a sip of their drink? Shock. So I don't know if I should say the gang that I was trying to join. Okay, fine, the Bloods. What? Yeah. I did not. And so whoever can- Sorry, what? Please make a gift of the Bloods. Yeah.
I was in sixth grade and- Yep, that's right. That's prime, that's prime joining gang age. And my neighbor was in the gang and I was like, oh my God, it's so awesome. Let me give you all the reasons why I should be part of this gang. First of all, I'm on the honor roll.
Nobody's gonna ever notice it. I can be a drug queen pin. Nobody's gonna question anything. Please let me in.
I was like, I had a little spreadsheet. I was like, okay, here's why. Here are my reasons. Let me tell you, I have all A's in all the classes, especially math.
I'm telling you we can bring a business focus to this. I want us to be entrepreneurs.
And I was rejected. Now, the reason I was rejected, and I'm grateful because my life took a different trajectory than it probably would have if I had joined the gang. But my friend, he did not agree with my desire.
He was like, listen, you're smart. Go to school. Do things that are good. I'm gonna be here in the neighborhood. I was ready to fight though. I was good.
I see, that's, it's so funny because I had the opposite response when they told me the process. I was like, oh, that doesn't sound fun. The process being you get jumped in. There's one of two ways. You one-on-one with somebody and you fight and whatever, or like you just get jumped. And the fact that you didn't run away from getting jumped, you showed heart.
Khalilah was ready to fight with a spreadsheet. I was ready.
I can't believe that didn't work. Same. How did you feel when they sent you your official rejection letter? You know, I was really disappointed. I was surprised.
I was like, can I come to a meeting? I just need to plead my case in person. Hello, resume. I'm qualified. I'm overqualified.
And if you guys don't want me, that's your loss. All right, that is points for Ify and Cody. All right. |
SaturdayNightLive | avatar_snl | I'll be. As Chief of this clan, it's my job to keep you all safe. in doing that, I must tell the truths of this war. What's going on, Jake Sully? There are reports. the humans have infiltrated the Omatakaya clan. I fear there are sky people living among us, disguised as avatars. That can't be. No! these are our brothers and sisters. What? we've got humans up in here? Not cool, man. not cool. Yeah, I hate that. I know it's difficult to process, but we must stay vigilant. reports tell us that we should be looking for two female lieutenants that are spies described as butch ladies from Arizona. we need to be on the lookout for some Grand Canyon types.
Yeah! Jake Sully, it's obviously these two. wait, Vicki and Christine? Whoa!
Okay, thank you, J.r.k. Appreciate it, J.r.k. It's Jake.
Wait, yeah, now that I think about it, they do always look down at their own bodies and say out loud, whoa, this is crazy. Whoa! girl, yours is wild. it's crazy how different they are. yo, it's all making sense. Is that why they call themselves the Maricope Counter Milk Hunters? Okay, you're about that. And why are they wearing completely different clothing? Whoa, whoa, whoa, what happened to women supporting women, bitch? Seriously, okay, we're cool with letting our nips fly sometimes, but maybe we're not as comfortable in thongs, and I'm looking at you, Cheeseburger. it's Chabagway. All right, listen, gang, we're knobby in a big way, okay? like our skin's blue, and I think we know how to use our tails. don't think we know. How long was I out? how long were we out, Dorita? you were not out.
Come on, Jake Sully. Wait, our queen is back. our queen is Neteri. Well, scream the lady alert. here we go. they come for our land. Neteri, Honey. they come for our people. Okay, all right, Hon. we Must Kill them. don't start crying. What are they doing? come on.
Get Open. Jake, get open. Jake, get Open.
I don't know what's happening. Vicki, Christine, you guys cannot be playing basketball right now. What? I need you to focus if we're ever going to catch the moles. You all right?
Jake. Jake Sully. come on, man. come on. you got to trust me. it's Me. it's me, Frito. I mean, Frito tape. Jake Sully.
Come on, man. it's them. I haven't seen two people playing basketball since I was living back on earth as a human being. this whole time and us two. dang it, Vicki. come on. Oh, shoot. dude, let's get out of here. Oh, my God. Jake. |
dropout | hitting_on_other_employees_like_bartenders | Hi, what can I get ya? Hey, um, you know what, I'm sorry, I'm still deciding. Pretty crowded in here, huh? Yeah, it's a bar. So what would you like? Uh, you know what, um, what's your favorite drink here? I wanna have whatever your favorite seasonal produce is.
So like, how'd you wind up doing this? Because, you know, I always thought, honestly, that I would make a really good police officer. Did you take one of those fun cop certification courses?
Initial here. You know what? You fill out a Roth IRA, too.
Come on, let's do one together. Don't make me do one alone.
So is it like your boyfriend, or? I know you're working, but we're locking eyes, like, every time you run down the sideline, right? What? It was starting to feel weirder to not say anything. Hey, can I plug my iPod in because there's a song on here you're gonna love? What are you in school for? Because this is clearly, like, a temporary thing that you're doing. Whoa!
That is a sick tattoo. You know, I was thinking of getting some work done myself. Who's your ink smith?
Oh, I was just reading this really smart article about whiskey. I was just reading this really smart article about food, about crime, about basketball, about, um, sorry, what are you doing again?
About? Cause. Good? Yeah.
Wow, what a jerk. I'm, like, take no for an answer, dude. I mean, this sucks to have to deal with guys like that all day, right?
Anyway, what time's your shift at? That'll be $5. Yeah, all right, no problem. Oh, oh, I forgot my wallet. So, uh, how's my credit here? Please leave. All right.
Hey, it's Pat from College Humor. Thanks so much for watching. Click here to subscribe to our YouTube channel, and here to watch more videos.
To entice you, I will now levitate. Not so fast, butt-head. All right, man. This would work if he wasn't doing this. |
cracked | the_truth_about_taking_guns_away_from_cops | Hello, the name's Constable Charlene, don't worry, I'm not going to shoot you, I don't even own a gun.
What? Why not?
Because luckily for you, my drunken tourist friend in 2021, American police shot and killed 1,054 people. Well, British police shot two. Whew! Good thing I got arrested here.
Did you know that, instead of interrogations, British police do interviews? We're not even allowed to lie to the suspect about the evidence we have. No guns? No interrogations?
This sounds like exactly the kind of woolly pinko nonsense I'd expect from a bunch of tea sipping dandies. Unlike the US model of law enforcement, we have a thing we call policing by consent. It states that constables are citizens in uniform, quote, who are paid to give full-time attention to duties which are incumbent upon every citizen in the interest of community welfare and existence. And basically, don't be a dick, but in old-timey language.
But if you can't lie or shoot every problem in the face, what can you do? Are you all like super-trained kung fu ninjas? Because if not, I'm about to get away with all the crimes. I wish. When I joined, all I got was 16 weeks of training, only three days of which centered on officer safety. Our weapons of war are an extendable metal stick called an asp and a tin of aggressive hairspray we call CS. It sounds like you'd be better off with Taco Bell sauce in a spray bottle. Oh my god, somebody call Taco Bell, I'm about to make a billion dollars. Well, they did technically teach us how to disarm suspects wielding the knives and guns, but honestly, the one lesson every half-decent carper learns is that the most important piece of officer safety equipment we have is talk. Training always hammered home de-escalation and Bintari's box.
That looks more like something a hippie would share on Facebook than police policy. Thankfully for your whole free body, it's what we bobbies use instead of guns to persuade six-foot-lumps of psychotic anger like you to put down the lamppost and sleep it off. But surely you'd like to have a gun, right? To make you feel safe and to have something to snuggle at night when you're cold and lonely. Given the option to carry a firearm on patrol, most London cops would emphatically refuse. Don't get me wrong, it's a fairly common topic of conversation, and there are always new young gung-ho types who think we need guns, but they're usually the exact kinds of people you don't want waving metal death-wangers around. I remember a grizzled old sweat listening to a young pup talking about how we should all be issued glocks at once. Son, no sensible authorized firearms officer would trust you with fucking string, let alone a shooter.
So that was that from his dreams of hot fuzz. But, okay, what do you do in an actual confrontation? Well, again, unlike in America, police in the UK are held accountable for each and every action. Ah, that sucks. If I get my ass out and wave it in a threatening manner, I legally have used force and had damn well better write some notes to justify it. If I ever so much as drew a taser from its holster and pointed it, best believe I'd be writing a novella's worth of notes. Fire the dreaded thing or use the CS, and my notes will take longer to finish than Winds of Winter. So you're saying using words lets you work less? I can get behind that, actually.
One time I was called to perform a welfare check on some lunk head in the park, and I walked up to a 6 foot plus guy, clearly agitated, who was watching children play football in the park while my radio chirped up with things like... Oh, he carries weapons? Very anti-police. Mental health issues took six officers to restrain him last time.
Now, this is why we fought that war. Anyway, backup was a ways out, and retreating was not an option because the subject was so close to the children. If you can't go big, you have to go subtle.
So I put my hands in my pockets and sauntered over. As soon as he saw my uniform, he went from 0 to 60. I could see now he wasn't much over 18. Also, he dropped his trousers and started shouting.
Well, go on then. fucking search me. I know you want to. Not really, squire. I was pretty much hoping not to have to take my hands out of my pockets today. You what? You got anything naughty on you? fucking search me. Find out. Your word's good enough for me. Got some folks here worried about you though.
Ain't you gonna cuff me up? Hadn't planned to. You wanna do anything that'll need cuffing? No.
Well then, all settled. Let's get you to a hospital, shall we? God, no handcuffs, no shouting, and no guns. What, did you stop for tea on the way to the hospital? A gentleman never tells. He got treatment at the local mental health wing. It was fine until the next time he went off his meds, which he did. And the next cops called and had it too big and the dude broke one of their arms and bit a finger. You clean off.
Hell yeah, brother. That's more like it.
But okay, if there's anything I've learned from right-wing YouTubers, it's that banning guns doesn't mean criminals won't get guns. And also that for a limited time only, I can get an incredible testosterone-building supplement for only $39.99 with promo code alpha-mail. Well, in my experience with shooters, they've always been brought in alive and very unhappy with their decisions. One silly boy decided to evade a search by shooting at task force on plain clothes cars. The shooter was in custody 16 hours later and one of the officers he had shot at dropped by and they had the kind of chat you'd expect from two geezers in the pub. But what if you already know they've got a gun?
Like it's an active situation. That's when we call in Trojan. The condoms? No. Basically our version of SWAT.
These boys and girls are incredibly well trained with a gun. If the wheels do come off, they are exactly the people you want coming over the hill. I would take a small handful of highly trained professionals over giving every copper a Glock and a few days training any day of the week. Speak for yourself. My cousin Gary can do some sick twirls with his Glock. That's my whole point. This system works because the majority of regular people just don't have guns. We don't have very many cousin Garys.
Oh man, you're lost.
On occasion there is an actual shooting and then we have a bit more to do but the active shooters and the mass shootings are so vanishingly rare as to be negligible. This is, I believe, wholly due to the fact that the UK had the tragedy of the Dublin shooting in which an unhinged shooter killed 16 children and one adult. But almost immediately we banned all handguns in private hands and severely restricted sales, use and carry. That was 20 years ago and there hasn't been a mass shooting since. That's probably why you guys suck at Olympic shooting events now.
A price I'm willing to pay. But seriously, don't you guys ever get injured or is it too hard to punch and fire machine guns with your pinkies sticking out? The vast majority of injuries on duty are from fists, feet, impacts with pavements and very occasionally knives and improvised weapons. Since no one is going to get shot, both cop and criminal can get into a good healthy fight. I love the fact that I never have to strap on a gun and make that kind of decision in the heat of the moment. Guns reduce very complicated decisions to the simplest of choices and that is something I am eternally glad I don't have to be a part of. So, are you saying you want to fight? Wouldn't want to hurt my pinky giving you a concussion. Oh, I'm American. We don't believe in concussions. |
TheOnion | Pigmaster_General_Porkin_Across_America_Ep_7 | My body may still be recovering from several draining pig organ transplants after I had my heart attack when I was skyping my way into my murdered niece's funeral, but I'm only one-fifth of the way through my pig odyssey. Next stop, the Cleveland Hog Fair, where this year I'm serving as the Honorable Pig Master General. Let's pork! The pork awaits in 50 states, and I'm not done until I hit them all. This is Porkin' Across America. Every year hundreds of pig owners come here to Cleveland hoping that their porker will be judged the King of the Fair. It is quite a privilege to judge these fine swine. Do you swear to judge these hogs to the best of your ability so help you God? Yes. By the power vested in me by the Ohio Pork Council, I name you Pig Haggerty, this year's Pig Master General.
Yeah!
It's Jim Haggerty. What'd I say? Pig. With a few hours before the big ceremony, I decided to cook up my fresh sausages on the Primo grills over at the fair's family meadows. Oh, thank you? Is this my pig's blood?
There's something wrong with it. I can't drink this anymore. It's disgusting.
Here, take it away. Hey, you see that sign?
This area is for family grilling only. I don't have a family. I have a TV show. America is my family. Okay, well you in America can find someplace else to cook. This area is for real families.
Come on. My wife just divorced me and had our dog killed. I mean, can I just grill these sausages here? What's this? Three dollars. Get outta here. You're upsetting my children. Go on. Ah, here we go.
A nice, no frills grill. Where we won't be bothered by a bunch of chattering families.
Ah, looks like the starter's off the hook. But, I always have some matches handy. You can see this one's a hot one. You can see the fumes coming right off it.
What happened? I think the grill just got a little too hot is all. Oh, just leave that. I think it's fused on there for now. Oh, what is that? Is that me?
I'm fine.
The hog fair is what's important. Time to go be the best, uh, pick the best hog, I mean. Next, it was time to meet the pigs.
What?
Jim Haggerty, I'm calling from bargain insurance to let you know your condo building collapsed. You need to move your possessions before the building is bulldozed.
Fine, I don't care. Excuse me, sir. Get outta here.
This area's for judges only. Oh, I'm much more than just a judge.
I'm Pig Master General Pig Haggerty. I'm here to check out the contestants. Oh, alright. I thought you was one of them pig freaks. Look at you. Oh, what a pretty pig, Caitlin. Who is this? This is Rachel taking it easy.
How you doing? And, and Lena? How are you?
I don't have an apple. It's your vitamin C. Well, I never seen them act like this before. They're treating you like you were part of the family.
Yes. Ain't that something? Yeah.
That one's named Jim. It's named Jim.
My meeting with the pigs gave me the love and confidence I needed to do my duty as Pig Master General. It was time to hit the stage. To crown this year's king pig, let's welcome Pig Master General, star of porkin' across America, Jim Haggerty. Hello, Cleveland, Ohio. Thank you for your hospitality. I, I, this has been a tough time for me with my divorce and the collapsing of my home, and my dog being murdered over the phone, and my niece being killed, and it was all my fault.
Okay, Jim. So, who's it gonna be? Well, they're all such beautiful pigs, and I should know because I've been traveling across the country eating more pigs than you can count on two hooves. But I choose Jim. Jim has chosen Jim as king pig. What's this for? You chose Jim.
Time to slaughter him and get ready for tonight's cookout. Oh, I thought I was just picking the best one. If anything, I thought that would save the pig. Now, what you want to do is slice it real fast along the neck so it will suffer less.
Go for it, Jim.
But he's brought so much joy to the fair. He's beautiful, intelligent, compassionate. We can't kill him. We should be celebrating him.
Just kill him, you stupid pig. This is wrong. Oh, I've done so many things wrong. What was I thinking, trying to win your respect when I should have been home with my family? You don't love me. You can't even love an innocent pig. It's important that you kill this pig. You people are monsters.
This show is over. I'm going home. It's okay, folks. Look!
You told me you were staying here. I'm not going to leave until you talk to me. Dave, please, I'm sorry. I came back to you like you wanted.
I realize that the love I need doesn't come from any show. It comes from you and the kids. I promise I'll never put pork above my family again. We're divorced. Now, get out of here, you monster. I'm not a monster. I'm just here to be the husband I should have been all along.
I'm sorry. I need you. I apologize. Get away or I'm calling the police.
It's just the skin and the nose. What is the biggest rock? I'm not telling you anything that every goddamn asshole don't already know. |
TheOnion | The_Onion_Reviews_The_Hobbit_The_Battle_Of_The_Five_Armies | I think you're trying to save your dwarvish friends, but it does not dissuade me from my course. You started this, me friend, dear. You will forgive me if I finish it.
This is Peter Rosenthal, head film critic for The Onion. Today, I'll be looking at The Hobbit, The Battle of the Five Armies, director Peter Jackson's final chapter of the Middle Earth fantasy trilogy, which, considering it had over 1,000 cast and crew living together for over nine months, you just have to assume was a veritable fuckfest behind the scenes. I mean, when you work on a film set, you fuck. Just how it is. The Battle of the Five Armies finds Bilbo Baggins and his companions facing off against the dragon Smaug.
And it seems pretty reasonable to assume that in this scene, for instance, where hundreds of dwarves and lake men square off against a sea of goblins, wargs, and bats, a bunch of these actors were fucking when the cameras weren't rolling. Just look at the sheer number of people here. Most of that isn't CGI. These are real actors with real sexual appetites. So, you know, at least, say, 10% of them are banging somebody on set. And that's not even counting the ones who are simply fantasizing about fucking in between takes or even during their scenes.
Your mind wanders, you know. It's not hard to imagine how sexual tension develops. Think about how long it takes to apply orc makeup. Four hours at least, day in, day out. What do you think a makeup artist and an actor talk about for that much time?
Oh, I guarantee it gets personal. Very personal. And getting worked on in the makeup chair is one of the most sensual experiences there is. Just imagine what it feels like to have an elf ear prosthetic delicately fitted over your own ear. When was the last time another human being touched you with so much attention? I don't care how professional you are, you get turned on and you need some release.
In fact, every dwarf or orc you see in this film has almost certainly had sex, sometimes nasty sex, with a caterer or gaffer or fellow actor. Think about it. They're in picturesque New Zealand, thousands of miles from their spouses. They have hours to kill between takes. What are they supposed to do? Jerk off in their separate trailers when they're surrounded by dozens of willing and eager partners? Not a fucking chance. After all, the film industry is filled with attractive, open-minded people who are driven as hell and need to blow off some steam. You think if you put people as hot as Orlando Bloom and Cate Blanchett in the same room, they aren't gonna fuck each other's brains out eventually?
They're seasoned professionals. They know the rules. They know it doesn't count on set. The truth is, when the cameras stop rolling, all bets are off. I can't even begin to count the number of staffers I've slept with over the years. Grips, lighting techs, the woman that runs the prompter. It's the same on every set.
I'm very attracted to our new director of photography, for instance. It's hot to know that she's watching me so intently. Am I physically aroused right now?
Perhaps. Has my mind wandered to fantasies of going down on her in the green room during this very film standard? Maybe.
Has it affected my performance? Obviously not one bit, because again, we're professionals. You shoot, you fuck around a little bit. You go home. For the Onions Film Standard, I'm Peter Rosenthal. |
TheOnion | An_Alarming_Crime_Scene_In_New_England_The_Onion_Presents_The_Topical_Episode_33 | New information is pouring in from New England today. What we now know about the active crime scene that has all the different kinds of cops. From the Onion and Onion Public Radio, I'm Leslie Price and this is the Topical. Is there a doctor listening? Because I think I'm having a news attack.
Stay with us. The Topical is presented by Cash App, the number one finance app in the App Store. Cash App is the easiest way to send and receive money so you can save your precious brain cells for that little phone game you love to play on the train so much.
That's right, I see you. I'm watching you right now. But which passenger am I? Nope, not that one. Keep guessing. Download Cash App today and get $10 when you sign up using promo code Topical. Oh shit, I think you saw me.
An ongoing crime scene in the city of Portland, Maine has been garnering considerable attention today. Witnesses at the scene were initially unsure about the severity of the crime that may have taken place, but now things are appearing to have taken a turn for the worse. We're joined now by OPR crime reporter Remi Berglund, who was there earlier this morning. So tell us, Remi, what exactly is going on? Well, Leslie, there is indeed an active crime scene here in Portland, but this isn't just any type of crime scene. This crime scene has all the different types of cops.
Really? Yes, there are regular cops, plainclothes cops, cops in lab coats, collecting evidence, even a few cops wearing bulletproof vests. You name it, we saw it. Sounds pretty serious. It does.
I spoke to some witnesses at the scene, and they were really taken aback by the diversity of law enforcement officers. Oh man, there's a traffic cop telling people where to go, and look over there, there's a cop wearing a suit talking to the press, and whoa, oh man, a cop on a motorcycle just pulled up. So do you know what type of crime happened here? No, but it must have been pretty bad since there's all these cops. I saw some cops with dogs. Maybe it was a drug thing?
Oh shit, or a bomb thing. Oh, and what about the cops with the big red truck? I think those were firefighters. Oh. Wow, and were there any horse-mounted cops at the scene? I love those.
A cop was present with a horse, but he wasn't actually riding the horse, just sort of walking alongside it. And even crazier, that cop actually turned out to be a National Park Ranger, which is nuts since we're not in a national park.
Man, you never know what life is gonna throw at you, do you? You sure don't.
Well, thanks Remy.
This has been an OBR crime report. A new report on teen sex trends was released yesterday out of the University of Nebraska Omaha. It found that American teenagers are having less sex than previous generations, but when they do, oh boy, buckle the fuck up.
I'm here with OBR reporter Loretta Cook, who's been following this story. Hey Leslie. So Loretta, what do these findings mean?
Simply put, there's been a 20% drop in the number of high schoolers who say they are sexually active when compared to Gen X and millennial teens. But when today's teens do get between the sheets, hold on for dear life, because it's all out balls to the fucking wall. God damn. God damn indeed, because according to this new data, while teenagers today are less likely to have sex in the first place, they are a whopping 800% kinkier when they do, and 40 times more likely to be into some shit that you better strap in for. And how nasty are we talking? You can't even imagine, according to the report. I spoke to the lead researcher, Dr. Jennifer Chang, and she said that those sexually active teens have intercourse on average once a month. The intercourse they are having, if you can even call it that, more than makes up for it. The results were pretty unexpected. It turns out teens just aren't nearly as sexually active now as they were even 10 years ago, when they are.
Oh man. Like some of the stuff they are doing. Oh man. Wow. She continued breaking down the numbers for me, and it was really interesting to hear.
Brace yourselves, because even though only one in three teens has had sex, that 33% has had sex. I mean, fucking and sucking in every way imaginable. They may not be doing it as much as their parents' generation, but what they're doing would make their parents sick. So Loretta, what could be causing the sudden downward trend of intercourse and the upward trend of mind-blowing fuckfests? Chang and her team suspect that more teens may be waiting for their level of fuck energy to build up, so that when they finally do smash, everybody better watch out, because it's gonna be like a fucking gum bomb went off. Mouth stuff, butt play, P&V, group sex, you name it, and these kids are doing it and doing it hardcore. They don't do it a lot, but when they do, they go till they're raw.
Really interesting. I bet a lot of parents are relieved to hear teen sex is less common. Of course, and I'm sure some parents are thrilled to hear that when it does happen, it's apparently pretty mind-blowing.
That's OPR's Loretta Cook. Thanks, Loretta. Thank you.
Is there something interfering with your happiness or preventing you from achieving your goals? Well, believe me, I know what you're going through.
That's how I feel every time I walk into this goddamn studio. This place is a prison built of my own volition, and I desire nothing more than to burn it to the ground.
But that's why I want to tell you about BetterHelp. BetterHelp will match you with your own licensed professional therapist, so you can receive professional counseling securely and online. You'll get timely and thoughtful responses, plus you can schedule weekly video or phone sessions. BetterHelp is committed to facilitating great therapeutic matches, so they make it easy and free to change counselors if needed. It's also more affordable than traditional offline counseling, and financial aid is available, which is good for me because I'm definitely getting fired soon. And with this special offer for topical listeners, you can get 10% off your first month at betterhelp.com slash topical. That's BetterHelp. H-E-L-P slash topical. BetterHelp wants you to start living a happier life today.
Oh, God, is it five o'clock yet? So that's all the news that's happened in the past 24 hours. Did any attentive listeners notice anything wrong with that last sentence? That's right, that wasn't all the news that happened in the past 24 hours, not by a long shot. Nice catch. Here's what else you need to know today.
Paleontologists have unearthed new evidence suggesting that dinosaurs may have been CGI'd far earlier than previously known.
Fisher-Price has recalled a line of dangerous 30-foot-tall high chairs. Fisher-Price says owners will have the choice of claiming a monetary refund for the product or can ask to be sent a set of safety nets free of charge.
And in celebration of Saint Patrick's Day, Ancestry.com has announced it will be mixing every user's DNA with 5% Irish blood.
And if that doesn't make you lucky, I don't know what will. And that's the topical for today. I'm Leslie Price. We know you have way too many choices when it comes to news podcasts, so as always, we thank you for listening to this one, which is made possible because of the stellar behind the scenes work of so many wonderful people from that one sound guy to the editing lady and probably a couple more maybe. Not really sure. We'll see you next time. |
cracked | 10_ways_david_letterman_invented_youtube | Welcome to this YouTube video. Here's another one. In fact, Paul and I will be wrapping things up and taking a hike. That moment last year was huge news for your dad. Unless your dads are my age, which would mean they grew up on Conan and your four. Go to bed. Point is, that's a big deal because, I mean, you saw the video's title.
Let's get into the top 10 ways David Letterman was the first YouTube star. Or whatever crack changed the title of this video to after lunch. Number 10, numbered comedy. Late Night will be late nights top 10 words that almost rhyme with P's. That was the first ever Letterman top 10 list right there.
Late Night writer Steve O'Donnell came up with the concept and meant it as a parody. He hated the dopey lists in magazines like People as much as you hate the dopey lists on websites like Buzzfeed. But people loved it unironically. It became the hook of the show and Late Night did so much list based comedy, they got tired of it. The first list was in 1985 and the show was already doing a top 10 reasons to stop doing the top 10 list, top 10 list by 1986. But think how many vloggers or fantastic comedy sites rely on lists as a format and then work their asses off to fill that format with something worthwhile. Dave's show practically invented that easy format hard work combo and proved you can make something out of anything.
Number 9, is this anything? Guess what, it's time for is this anything? Okay, here's another long running Letterman segment. How does it work? Well, somebody comes out and does something on video. Dave and Paul Schaeffer judge that thing by the criteria of is this anything? No, this is anything? This is anything? And then if they say yes, this is anything, the performers win nothing.
If that isn't YouTube in a nutshell, I don't know what is. It would be... Oh right, YouTube is also nightmares.
Number 8, stupid tricks. Dave doesn't just love randomness. He loves the ridiculous stunts by amateurs and animals that we now turn to YouTube for because it's just so easy to... Oh come on! Someone help him. Number 7, blowing stuff up. Letterman also invented perhaps the YouTube-iest genre of YouTube videos, filming destruction for a goof. I most enjoy it in the form of beefaroni exploding in a lava flow. Maybe you prefer the high-powered blender channel or some other thing. You know your favorite kind of accelerated entropy vids. Hi, how you doing? But whatever kind you like, Dave did it first by filming the act of dropping stuff from five stories up and personally steamrolling the requests of ordinary fans.
How about a nice styrofoam with cooler beer? Cooler full of beer.
Now we're getting somewhere.
Number 6, pranks. Dave had, you know, a studio and stuff, which makes it even more fun that he constantly hit the streets to do insane pranks. Street pranks are now classic YouTube comedy. They're way more fun than jaywalking the crime, or jaywalking the Leno segment, or Jimmy Kimmel lying to dumb people. But no YouTuber does pranks as transgressively or with as many large corporations on the receiving end as Dave did at NBC.
When General Electric bought NBC in 1986, Dave went to his new parent company's headquarters with a camera crew and fruit basket to bother senior management. What I'm really trying to get out here is, am I going to have a job? Security almost called the cops on him, but not before creating the iconic GE handshake. Dave even dicked around the Today Show team during their live tapings, interrupting them from his office with a megaphone, even though Late Night and the Today Show are both NBC shows.
And I'm not wearing pants.
Number 5, entertaining you the hard way. Whether you're a YouTuber, a Late Night Show, or some stupid ass web series, you're facing this question. How do I generate ex-shows a week every week? Some Late Night hosts and bloggers make that easy by taking it easy, mailbagging it, and people try food in it for easy clicks. Other hosts go the other way. The hard way, the entire suit of Velcro way. Bloggers in particular will kick their own asses to make you happy, Hannah Hart's grinding at 5 in the morning for you, Rhett and Link leave their mythical morning desk to dunk themselves in ice baths for you, and Ramsay S's excellent split-sider column dove into the Late Night archives, rediscovering Dave's gift for reinventing the wheel. Like the episode with 13 separate cameras all pointed at Dave, all to get the stupidest shots possible. Or the episode where they slowly rotated the entire screen throughout the hour, like we're doing right now. And he'd even do episodes where, number 4, you get to see it not work out. If you're providing constant entertainment, problems happen along the way, but the show must go on. The magic of YouTubers is that they go on and opt to be upfront about the problem and make something out of it.
You get to see Grace Helbig get sick and be tremendously hungover and face unbearable heat. My brain is sweating. David Letterman also made whole episodes out of admitting disaster, even though you're super not supposed to do that on TV. But when Dave faced unbearable heat on a show day in 1985, he didn't lie and pretend he was fine. He sent the audience home and had the crew tape him wandering the empty building. And for an episode that got so weird, it ended in their lone and totally ambushed guest, Terry Gar, cursing Dave's name in the office's shower.
I hate you! Why am I doing this?
Number 3, the real celebrities are people like you. Every late night host before or after David Letterman is thrilled about the celebrity who has graced him. They're all basically hymns, unfortunately. Graced him with their presence. Meanwhile, celebrity Letterman guests aren't treated like celebrities unless Dave actually likes them. He lets Paris Hilton and Bill O'Reilly and Crispin Glover know their assholes with all the glee of a YouTube commenter.
Is this the first time you've seen another guy drown? Is this the first time you've watched a guy die?
Who are the real stars on YouTube? While they're the internet weirdos we relate to and support.
Miranda Sings, you get to be a star. You two smosh guys with the hair, you get to be the Avengers. Lozel Green, the President will see you now. And it's the same way on Letterman. If it wasn't, how would Chris Elliott have ever happened? There he is now. Chris, come on up here and take a bow, will ya? Chris Elliott, ladies and gentlemen. On Dave's show, even ordinary randos are a much bigger deal than stars. Because only a proto YouTuber would put their buddy the deli owner in front of a nation. Over and over again, occasionally singing Let It Go. Can you see what I just told you?
Or call random phone numbers in an office across the street until someone they could see picked up and then make her a fixture on the show. Now this woman, Hal, turn on the external camera, can ya? Here, she works right across the street, right there on the 13th or 14th floor.
Can we talk to you a little bit this afternoon? Sure. There to the left. Hi, wave to everybody, Meg. Nice to see ya.
Before YouTube, how often did you see a video of a real person outside of the news or reality TV shows? Outside of just the news. And before YouTube could change that, Dave changed it within his chunk of TV, treating people like us as legitimate entertainers.
Number two, bailing on working. A lot of YouTubers randomly bail for days or weeks. And Dave taped most of his Friday episodes on earlier days of the week so he could bail and have three day weekends. And I'm bailing on this point.
And now the number one way David Letterman is the first YouTube star. He's going away. Except he isn't. Dave's been hosting late night television since 1982. He's going to stop, but his influence on comedy won't.
And nobody talks about it, but the same goes for YouTube. Eventually, inevitably, Microsoft and Facebook are both convinced the future of tech is goofy headsets. YouTube might not even make sense on that goofy platform. Speaking of Facebook, new generations don't want it. Just like previous generations stopped wanting MySpace because every social network dies. And YouTube, in case you haven't noticed, from everyone always begging you to friend them, is another social network. A network where the end is more than nigh. Facebook even built a video player specifically designed to kill YouTube, and if their competition doesn't ruin it, our boredom will. But even after the tube-pocalypse, our favorite viners and periscopers and eight-year-old megastars of whatever next nonsense comes along will have grown up on a YouTuber comedy.
It's their Letterman. Whether or not their subscription list includes the late show. So we salute you, David Letterman.
Salute you without standing up, because we're millennials, so we're so lazy. But we'll never be so lazy that we forget that you created YouTube comedy, in spite of the internet not existing yet, and in spite of having entertainment's biggest tooth gap. ZING! Throw to the band. Pants logo. Please subscribe. Guys, thank you so much for watching.
In the future, where I'm assuming you live, what are you watching on your futuristic headset that we all now wear all of the time, day to day? In the shower? In bed? When we're driving?
The accidents are crazy. Society's a dystopia. We're all dying.
Comment and subscribe, though. That's the really, really important thing. |
cracked | 5_ingenious_ways_thieves_of_the_future_will_be_robbing_you | Hello, from the year 2023! I've come to your decade because some of you are worried about your privacy and security in this ever-evolving digital age. Well, I'm here to tell you to sit back, relax, and enjoy things while you can because it's only going to get so much worse. Let's start with some tech you're already aware of, lest your unmodified 2013 brains explode.
Keylogging. Keylogging is when someone secretly records everything you type on a computer, from passwords to credit card information, even your coveted list of the really good porn.
You know how your phone can do this? Weeeeee. Well, the chip that does that is so sensitive that it can record your keystrokes just by sitting next to your computer on a desk. Of course, a couple of years in your future, some hacker realizes he could also install that chip into a Bluetooth receiver and slap it under someone's desk. Now all he has to do is walk within a 30-foot range of the receiver, and it's done.
He's downloaded all of your info, you're none the wiser, and he hasn't even logged on to the super internet, or regular internet for you guys. But at least you're safe in your own home, right? No, no you're not.
Fun fact, house keys still somehow exist in 2023, and they've become incredibly easy to duplicate. It only takes a picture. Want to duplicate keys that are hidden in someone's pocket? No problem. Scientists in your time are currently developing a compact radiation source that will make handheld x-rays a disturbingly invasive reality. A thief can walk by you, snap an x-ray from inside his pocket, then make a copy with his portable 3D printer, forever having access to your home and or butt. Yes, we all have portable 3D printers, they print 3D printers themselves, it's basically crippled our economy.
That's terrible, you'll say. I know, but it gets better, and not the good kind of better. In your time, there's already a machine that scrambles someone's thoughts enough to impair their speech. But in 2023, the system has become so advanced that it can beam fabricated thoughts directly into your brain. Paranoid schizophrenia has become weaponized. Ironically, none of the conspiracy theorists saw it coming. Oh, and your government is currently developing it, but shhh, it's a secret.
Now let me walk you through a normal day in 2023. Let's say you wake up jonesing for a cup of coffee from the place down the street, so you walk over, noticing the soothing scent of roasted coffee beans, and you think that open booth by the window looks nice. It does. So you order, sit down, and enjoy the view. I'm feeling inspired, you think. Well, I might do some writing. It's a great idea. Later, typing away, you suddenly think, oh, I should buy the new Harry Potter book. Yes, they're back, and it's fine. So you hop online and order it. Blissfully unaware that every action since you woke up has been dictated by coffee companies sending suggestions directly to your brain.
The key logger taped onto your table just kept your credit card information and one act of shitty screenplay, and the quiet man in the next booth is taking x-rays of your keys and not just innocently masturbating like you thought. Also, we invented time travel, but you don't want to hear about that. OK, bye. I'm going to go scare some cavemen by explaining the Great Depression.
I'm pretty excited about it. Roll sound. Roll cameras. And action.
Hey. You. Yeah, you.
You know what would really make me happy, like just the happiest? Because if you could click subscribe, yeah, you'd like it. You know you'd like it. I'd like it. So if you could do me just this great big favor, I'll be your best friend forever. Please. |
dropout | bizarre_amazon_product_reviews | Amazon is a huge site with a lot of normal stuff, but then also some kind of weird stuff. We bought some of the weirdest stuff and we're gonna explore that with Emily and Pat. This is our first item.
Is it a Dracula costume? Oh, so you don't get raped.
She's a boyfriend pillow. Oh, a boyfriend pillow.
Oh. Oh my God.
It feels a little bit nice. It's like the safety of having a boyfriend without the weight of his heavy, sweaty hand. It costs 35. That's exactly what I guess. I would give it like four stars and be like pretty good product. I'm not giving it five stars because why did I buy this? I think I would also give it four stars. Removing a star for the unrealistic shirt choice. Is good, but I think it could be better. I think we could improve on this.
Much like our boyfriends, right? Thank you, we can always change them. This is our next product.
Five fake tampon flasks. Whoa. This is not to put inside you. Okay. My first thought was like, smuggle it in. So they're just tubes that you would put alcohol in and then it's like, it's got this thing where you can seal it shut. I guarantee this is not going to keep liquid in. Let's try it out. Okay. Do you feel like that's secure? So that's a decent amount of alcohol. Yeah, it's like liquor.
Immediately popped off. I don't know.
And now I'm just like, I'm talking. I'm like being natural. You're holding a tampon. I'm being like, excuse me, it's my tampon. And then I get in and I'm like, oh God, it's leaking everywhere.
Oh no. So what is everyone's final review of this product? One star.
I went to a concert. I was like, hey, I'm on my period. Let me into this Dave Matthews concert.
And they were like, no. Our final review is one star. This is not a good product. It barely works and it leaks everywhere. And I don't think it would actually trick anyone. This is our last product to review.
See, there's air holes. Is it a rabbit? It's not a rabbit. Good. You can't order a rabbit. See monkeys? This is 9,000 live ladybugs. Oh my God. It's not moving.
What do you want to happen when we open this? I want them to erupt into the air with the sound of dropped wings. I want them to form one giant ladybug and just take off down the street. We obviously can't open that in our office. So we're gonna go outside and open these and see what happens.
I see them moving around. They're all over the place. Here we are on the roof.
Looking at this bag, I am a little skeptical that there are 9,000 in there. I'm gonna take off this rubber band. This is not 9,000.
No way.
It's 9,000. I don't know. It's a lot. Sick. Oh no. I'm gonna give this three and a half stars. It's really cool, but I honestly expected there to be like 10 times this many ladybugs. But it's still amazing and weird and...
Yeah, it's harder. It's harder, right?
I can't remember. It's a satisfying number of ladybugs. Oh my God. My shoe covered in ladybugs. Yeah. Thanks for watching Bizarre Amazon Product Reviews. If you have any ideas for what we should review next time, just put it in the comments below. Hopefully they're as weird and uncomfortable and strange as this was. For a green screen. I'm not mad. |
wearethesundayblues | caspar_lee_chat_sandwich_episode_1_derick_watts_the_sunday_blues | If you'd like to taste our chat sandwich, come on down and take a bite. Is that our theme song? Uh, yes. Hmm, that's good. Welcome to the first episode of our new talk show, Chat Sandwich.
Our first guest is a young man, originally from Knysna. Apparently he was so famous there, he couldn't go down onto Knysna's only road without being swarmed by tens of girls. He's recently moved to London, where he's looking to make a lucrative career by talking to a webcam.
Please welcome, Casper Lee. Hey guys, it's great to be here. It's actually Casper Lee.
There's a bit of a gap between the two words. Yep, that's what I said. Casper Lee? Sondraad? No, it's... never mind, let's just continue. Yes, okay. Why?
Is your mom waiting for you in the car? Uh, no. I'm actually 18. I've got my driver's license. I even did a video about it. So she's not waiting in the car? Um, can we just please get to the interview? So, Caspie.
You make videos. For the YouTube. We looked at your channel earlier. Nearly 30 million views.
That's alright. Yeah, but surely most of those views are, you know, family and friends? No, actually real people watch me from all around the world. I upload weekly videos and people seem to enjoy them more than yours. So yeah, it's all about regular and entertaining content.
I'm looking to... What are you doing? Nothing. Are you taking notes? No, we're making a shopping list.
We're just running a bit low on regular and entertaining content. But enough about us! Caspie, what do you think of our show?
It's pretty classy. Pretty classy stuff. How's that champagne treating you there?
Um, I think it's tap water. Warm tap water.
Only the best for you, Caspie. Can I call you Caspie? Uh, no. So, Caspie.
Uh, did you know that we have our very own profanity buzzer on the show? Operated by our good friend Doug.
Isn't that right, Doug? That's right, Dux. How's it? Yeah, check it out. Alright, Doug. You ready? Here we go. Sh**. Right on it, Doug. As always. Casper, give it a try.
Uh, no. No, thank you. Uh, come on, Caspie. We insist. It's really... it's a lot of... Whoa, whoa, whoa, Doug. Not a swear word. Oh, sorry about that. Um, so, back to the interview. Caspie, uh, recently you've actually become quite a big d***.
What did you just call me? No, no, no, no, no. That's not what I meant. That's not what I meant.
Sorry. Doug, what are you doing? Sorry, Oakes. It's these damn protective gloves. Okay, guys, let's... let's just try and get this back on track here. Sorry about this, Casper. Casper, you... you must have really sp**ked a lot of a**. Douglas! What are you doing?
Those were not words of profanity! Okay, cool. Thanks, guys. I wish I could say this has been fun, but it hasn't. Casper, no, please... Thank you, guys. Bye. Casper! Do you want to be in one of our parody videos? No. Thanks a lot, Doug.
This is your fault. You've, uh, you've ruined the first episode of Chat Sandwich. Not surprised Denise left you. Join us next time as we tackle some more thought-provoking issues with the surprise guest on an all-new episode of Chat Sandwich. Damn it, Douglas! |
SaturdayNightLive | weekend_update_elon_musk_buys_twitter_companies_cut_ties_with_kanye_west_snl | This week, Elon Musk officially bought Twitter for $44 billion, beating out the next highest offer of $0. Musk sent an open letter to advertisers saying that he doesn't want Twitter to become a free-for-all Hellscape, because that's his plan for Mars. I really don't understand why people are so worried that Elon is going to ruin Twitter as if it's this, like, beloved American institution. It's not like he bought Disney World. it's like he bought the rest of Orlando.
Hershey Walker denied allegations from a second woman that he pushed her to have an abortion, saying, i'm done with this foolishness, which is also what Walker says when he takes off the condom. the woman claims that Walker drove her to an abortion clinic, then waited in the parking lot for hours until she had the procedure. Not only that, while he was in the parking lot, he got two more women pregnant.
John Fetterman, who is still recovering from a stroke and Dr. Mehmet Oz, met for their only debate before the midterms. and just like in his puppy experiments, Dr. Oz showed no mercy. Fetterman began his opening statement by saying, good night, Everybody. it was a bizarre, baffling comment that debate watchers called his high point. Regardless of your politics, it's never a great sign when most of the post-debate commentary is from brain doctors. I really don't understand why Fetterman was allowed to do this debate. who's his campaign manager, the Miami Dolphins concussion doctor? Also, it's not like Dr. Oz did great. he just did slightly better than a recent stroke victim. at one point, he said the decision to have an abortion should include local political leaders, which sounds like the perfect way to get an abortion five years late and 60 million over budget. things are definitely getting way out of hand in this country because when I heard that a guy barged into a house with a hammer looking for Nancy Pelosi, my first thought was, oh no, was it Kanye?
West has now been dropped by Adidas, the Gap, Balenciaga, and all Bar Mitzvah playlists. In the wake of Kanye's anti-semitic comments, Adidas said it will stop making Yeezy shoes. fans of Yeezy say it's the worst thing that happened to them since Any Puddle. Kanye West also abruptly closed Donda Academy, which is a private school that forces parents to sign non-disclosure agreements. Wait, we can do Ndas, said Catholic school priest. And is it just me or did half the companies that dropped Kanye sound fake? I saw the headline, Tj Maxx cuts ties with Kanye. I was like, did Kanye know he worked for Tj Maxx? Also, unless we already associated you with Kanye, you didn't have to announce you were cutting ties. Like, we didn't need Peloton to announce we're no longer playing Kanye's music. Thanks, Peloton. now we can rest easy knowing we won't hear Gold Digger while we have a heart attack on your bike. at some point, I actually started getting excited about who was going to announce next. Dippin' Dots will no longer work when Scrub Daddy is cutting all time. Tcby will discontinue their watch the Cone menu, featuring the hit flavor, nuggets and pretzels. The craziest one, which is somehow real, somehow real, is that Goodwill dropped Kanye. they will no longer accept donations of Kanye's clothing, which is ironic because Kanye's lost enough money that he might need them.
Rashid Sunak will become Great Britain's first ever Prime Minister of Indian descent, said his mom, okay, why not King? During a White House ceremony, President Biden wished Kamala Harris a happy birthday, then accidentally called her a great President. even worse, he was talking to a portrait of Michelle Obama. the Postal Service announced a new stamp honoring the late Supreme Court Justice, Ruth Bader Ginsburg. there's also a stamp honoring Clarence Thomas that says, flip me over and start licking. A new study finds that during the pandemic, students' math scores dropped by almost 10%. Wow, so more than half. the world's largest timber-towered suspension bridge has opened in Michigan. for now, said Beavers. Police in Queens were searching for a suspect who hijacked a bus and then immediately crashed it into a utility pole.
Okay, so we know it's a woman. Virgin? Oh, that's great. Virgin Australia is trying to get people to choose the middle seat by enrolling everyone who sits in those seats a chance to win over $200,000 in prizes. not to be outdone, Spirit Airlines is offering a free bag of carrots if you sit in the bathroom. police in England are now using specially trained dogs to detect semen at crime scenes. this replaces the old method of detecting semen, slipping on it. |
cracked | why_peta_is_a_giant_nest_of_lies | Hello there! Cracked writer-performer Katie Stoll here. You may remember me from such hits as Cracked Videos and other Cracked Videos.
But today, I am here to discuss all of the truly icky things you didn't know you should know about PETA. No, I do not mean the delicious unleavened bread, which is a staple of Mediterranean cuisine. I am talking about the not-so-secret and arguably evil activist group People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals. Now, before any of you roll your eyes and write me off as some sort of animal-hating...hatty, you should know that I myself have been a vegetarian since I was aged high school. And before the rest of you write me off as some sort of nagging nerd-burger, I should further specify that I fully support whatever dietary choices you choose for yourself, okay?
I'm a pretty chill lady. Which is funny because, honestly, I thrive in hot climates. This is a thing about me.
According to their website, PETA is the largest animal rights organization in the world with more than 5 million members and supporters. They are against the use of animals in the food, clothing, research, and entertainment industries, and they spread their message through public education, cruelty investigations, research, animal rescue, legislation, special events, celebrity involvement, and protest campaigns.
Are you intrigued yet? Good!
Because before you go re-up in your annual Christmas donation, there are a few things I feel like you need to know about PETA. Not the bread. Number one, PETA portrays itself as the champion of the animal kingdom. But in reality, they're more like the chucky of the animal kingdom. They lure animals in with playful promises, then murder them in their sleep. You would assume that an organization whose primary goal is to support the ethical treatment of animals would at least, you know, try to keep them alive. Yes, you would assume that, but if you did, then you would be wrong, because PETA annually euthanizes about 90% of the animals they pick up. And we aren't just talking about sick or non-rehabilitatable animals, we are talking about kittens and puppies and other displaced but totally adorable critters who made their way to a PETA shelter in hopes of finding a new forever home only to be put out of their misery within the first 24 hours. And the reason? PETA does not believe that humans should even own pets. I mean, obviously, they just haven't met my pets yet. Right, you fat piece of s***. PETA's stance is that humans have selfishly bred animals to be pets, that this goes against their innate nature and that they are better off dead than in our care. PETA even routinely steals pets from homes and then kills them! That's right! In 2015, PETA workers were actually caught on camera stealing a family's pet chihuahua off of their porch and then euthanizing it later that day. And this wasn't an accident. According to several personal accounts from ex-PETA employees, stealing and killing pets is actually encouraged. You guys, they are literally cat burglars! The problem here, outside of the obvious hypocrisy of advocating for ethical treatment while simultaneously running an aggressive extermination campaign, is that they are inherently wrong.
It is widely believed that cats originally domesticated themselves in the Fertile Crescent about 12,000 years ago. And although there are mixed theories about the domestication of dogs, many people believe that dogs also chose us between 10,000 and 30,000 years ago.
Not the other way around. Number two, they are against any industry that involves animals or animal products. Okay, now on paper I can see how that sounds nice, but first of all, humans are supposed to eat meat. I am a vegetarian, and I am saying that. We are carnivorous animals. Our make and model even comes with canine teeth, for goodness sake. The human race still exists because we ate meat, and our bodies got stronger, and our brains developed, and we were able to figure out how to do other things like build fire and shelter to form communities and religions and then go to war and destroy those communities over our religions. And none of this would have been possible if humans didn't eat meat. And yes, now we live in an age where we no longer need to eat meat if we don't want to, but for some people it might be their best option. Also, I certainly understand and support the need for regulation and protection of animal rights, but let's be real, a world without any animal testing is a world without vaccines, or cancer treatment, or deodorant! I'm not sure that's a world I'm ready to live in.
Number three, they support animal activism. Did I say activism? Sorry, I meant terrorism. And no, I am not mongering on your fears right now. PETA has literally given thousands of dollars to convicted arsonists and other violent criminals. In fact, the FBI has run several investigations into PETA, and in 2001, they even published a report that states PETA has shown at least tacit support for certified domestic terrorist organizations, including the North American Liberation Front, ALF, and the Earth Liberation Front.
ALF. ALF? Meet ALF.
But I guess this isn't that surprising since PETA campaign coordinator Bruce Frederick has publicly stated that blowing stuff up and smashing windows is a great way to bring about animals. Oh, Bruce. Number four, they claim to spread truth and awareness, but in actuality, they rely on bullying and misinformation to spread their message. PETA has frequently come under fire for their aggressive ad campaigns, including the one famously comparing meat eaters to Nazis, which frankly confuses me since their shelters could easily be compared to a death camp. I said it. Not to mention this ad where they straight up lie, stating that eating dairy is linked to autism. While I do understand the desire to create an aggressive, attention-grabbing campaign, maybe spreading lies and shame isn't the best way to get people on your team.
Look, obviously we should be supporting animal rights. We eat way too much meat, and we do so with a lack of mindfulness as to where it's coming from. Also, the meat industry is definitely destroying our planet, which I understand is a frustrating and mixed message for me to be sending to you right now, but you know what? The world isn't binary. I have big words in my brain. So yes, I encourage you to eat less meat, and hey, why don't you buy from organic sustainable sources while you're at it?
Do your part to protect animals and donate to organizations that actually work in their best interest. But for the love of puppies and kittens everywhere, please, please be wary of PETA. And again, just to be clear, I do not mean the delicious and versatile Wonder Bread. PETA bread is good, unless of course you have a gluten sensitivity like I do, in which case I suggest you keep a wide breadth of all. PETA is just, you know, like in general. I'm also allergic to bell pepper, which is confusing. So if you could send me some money for my cat, that'd be a great way to support animal rights. |
TheOnion | Today_Now_Interviews_The_5_Year_Old_Screenwriter_Of_Fast_Five | We're so excited to welcome one of Hollywood's brightest creative talents, the screenwriter behind this summer's blockbuster, the new Fast and the Furious movie, Fast Five. Chris Morgan, thanks for joining us. Hi. Hi, Chris.
Now, Chris, these Fast and the Furious movies are just getting bigger and better. So when you sat down to write this installment, were there certain elements you wanted to include? I want the cars to drive fast and then some of them explode. Oh, that sounds so great.
Now, I believe we have a clip to show our audience at home. Can you set the clip up for us, Chris?
Uh-huh. The car went out of the train, and then there's a hole in the train. Uh-huh. And then the car brought the box, then the police went after them, then the box hit the car, then it crashed into the ocean. Whoa.
So, Chris, one of the biggest stars in the business is in this movie. Vin Diesel, what was it like working with him? He has big muscles, and then the movie said, I thought I was done with this.
Now, I understand the movie stays pretty much 100% true to your original screenplay. Yep. Whoa, it's so great to have that kind of a chemistry with a director. And I understand Jordana Brewster is coming back for this installment. Yeah, she's a girl and she likes to kiss, so she doesn't play with the cars, but sometimes she does, but mostly just the boys. Now, this is one thing I really love about your movies, Chris. I mean, all the female characters are so strong.
Can I take off my shoes now? Oh, sure.
Like your last movie, Wanted, with Angelina Jolie, she is so tough. Yep, she sees a bullet and the bullet will puff around her face, but she and I only had to take it back.
See, I love that. Now, before we go, Chris, I have to ask you, is there a chance we're going to see more Fast and the Furious sequels? Yeah. Well, how many? 600. Whoa, I know where I'll be every summer. Well, Chris Morgan, thanks so much for joining us here on Today Now. Oh, it looks like he's tuckered himself out. Right in all those movies. Right. Don't forget, this Friday, Fast Five premieres in theaters.
And when we come back, we'll talk to an old woman who thinks it's 1958 and I'm her dead husband. Stay with us. |
dropout | hardly_working_new_york_city_story | The year was 1952. My family lived in Brooklyn. The Burl of Hope.
My old man drove a garbage truck for the city. It was a crummy job, but he didn't care. He was working for a living.
Back then we used to play stickball out on the street, and all the old guys in the neighborhood would come to watch. We'd try to play like our favorite Dodgers. Mine was Cal Ripken Jr. Back then the neighborhood meant something.
Bill Clinton was in the Oval Office. The Beatles had just taken America by storm, and Buzz Aldrin had just been the first man on Mars.
My old man used to say the saddest thing in the world was wasted talent, but I disagreed with him. The saddest thing to me was Princess Di getting killed in that car accident. She was the people's princess.
There was a guy selling Italian ice on each block. Blacks had just got the vote. We all rode dinosaurs to Golden Gate Park every day to hunt Indians. New York summers used to seem like the hottest thing in the world. The sweat would drip off our antlers, and my mother would give me a smack if I dragged any lava into the apartment. Yep. Sure was something to be from Brooklyn back then.
Great story, Grandpa. Really great.
Alzheimer's disease affects one in four families, but there is help. Visit the Alzheimer's Foundation website to find out more. |
cracked | 8_quirks_of_famous_actors_you_will_never_unsee_the_spit_take | Hello the internet and welcome to another episode of the spit take my name is Jack O'Brien I'm the editor-in-chief of cracked and we've mentioned before the bizarre way that Tom's crews and hanks always managed to find a way to sprint and urinate in all their movies respectively Well, it turns out there are lots of stars with bizarrely specific go-to moves. They make looks so cool You didn't even notice their careers were basically an excuse to do that one cool thing on camera Let's start with a simple one So David Caruso gets a lot of credit for making the taking off of one's sunglasses tremendously uncool But few people realize why he thought it might be cool in the first place see Val Kilmer has been quietly making Desunglasses look awesome for as long as he's been Improbably pulling off Val as a boy's name Over the course of his career Brad Pitt has consumed more calories on screen than the sarlacc pit and all the jaw sharks and Jurassic Park dinosaurs combined doesn't seem that strange until you try to think of a single other actor putting actual food in their Actual mouth in a movie. It's actually super rare presumably because most of us eat the same way So even in a diner scene your actors time can be better spent discussing the ethics of tipping or having a fake orgasm Nobody's sure why this rule doesn't apply to Brad Pitt Some say it gives his hands and mouth something to do while the rest of him is being easy to look at Unfortunately for that theory Brad Pitt often eats like it's hurting his face Or maybe it's to make him more relatable like don't let his godlike appearance fool you he eats human food Just like you which is of course not true Brad Pitt subsists entirely on honey eucalyptus and the perspiration of gazelles Look back over as most acclaimed roles suggests He might just be working out a really severe oral fixation like in 12 monkeys He plays a person whose nail biting is so out of control. He has to be institutionalized and in his Oscar-nominated role in money ball while he eats Popcorns french fries Christmas cookies a Twinkie and a cheeseburger But the real showstopper is this scene where he leafs through a scouting report prepared by Jonah Hill So he either has the fastest-drying fingertips in the history of fingertips or a debilitating oral fixation or he's trying to Jonah Hill Of course, nobody can blame you for doing something repeatedly if you make it look awesome enough This is based on precedent established by the way Martin Sheen puts on his jacket in West Wing known officially as the President Bartlett Act of 1990 all of them nobody would ever accuse Harrison Ford of disappearing into his characters If anything his characters kind of dissolve into his Harrison Fordy ness And one of the most important elements of Harrison Ford ossidy is his ability to say you motherfucker with only one finger.
I Don't care what sign language says that is how you communicate the word Motherfucker with a hand gesture extra points if you're crumpling a piece of paper. Well, you do it He makes that look awesome All right This next one's like a magic trick Jennifer Aniston has been doing something that should have been driving me Fucking crazy for her entire career and that I never noticed until crack writer Eric Gern pointed out in a recent column here See if you notice it How did I not notice that she managed to make me miss a verbal tick that is itself the universal sign for pay attention to me See that's how you know, you've landed on a secret weapon. They do it so naturally you don't notice it at all It's like playing that game where you see how many times you can say meow in a sentence without anyone noticing if you played That game with an actual wizard All right, that's plenty well, I'm never gonna be able to watch another Jennifer Aniston movie again, huh? Happy day the laughter died everyone, but I know what you're thinking Anyone can ruin the work of an actress who hasn't been on TV for years I've already squeezed every last bit of juice from the grapes of Miss Aniston's work What about someone who I will conceivably be seeing on TV for the next 24 years? Can't you render them completely unwatchable? Well, it turns out Jimmy Fallon has a peculiar way of punctuating his jokes that I'd never noticed and Will never again not notice for as long as I live see if you can spot it Guys good news for our pal Toronto mayor Rob Ford In a new interview he said that he will return home from rehab on July 1st When asked what he'll do after he gets out of rehab for said probably hang out with some friends And then head back to rehab Because of lightning in the area apparently God was like no T-bone no football I guess that's what happens when you play at Mile High Stadium. That's where you get it Say what you will about the Twilight films Kristen Stewart was actually great in adventure land If you're a Hollywood director what you'll say is probably action cut print it A star is born because case two stays working based on her IMDb page She is in 70% of all movies I've never heard of and in every single one her lips are apparently delicious That should be way too obvious to work. I mean as a master seductress myself Seductor seductro as a male seductress. I'd always assumed biting my lower lip would be too obvious Like where I'd a bite my lower lip you wouldn't be able to think about anything besides that man is making love to the camera This one actually bleeds over into reality Suggesting that her lips might just genuinely taste really good Is that a creepy thing for a 30-something male to speculate about?
No, right? Cool. I knew it and Finally we come to John Cusack an example of flying too close to the Sun with your secret weapon See he learned the hard way that if you do your awesome thing too often You start to look like a crazy person from the start of his career Cusack made it a point to brave the elements the sure thing put him on the map and featured him meeting his love interest in the Rain, but he became a star and say anything in which he goes out of his way to stand outside of a phone booth with An electrical device pressed to the side of his head in what appears to be the inside of a giant dishwasher on rinse cycle He's presumably Lamenting the fact that the stupid core barely reaches outside of its human sized rain protection box as this amazing montage by Avril Halley demonstrates he spent his entire career since then combining and recombining this formula of braving the elements Problem is that as he continued to find ways to get his characters caught in the rain The romantically forlorn vibe gave way to the impression that John Cusack doesn't understand how rain works Obliviousness to the weather looks cool and romantic comedies, but when there's a serial killer on the loose It's just a stupid reason to get your gun wet Fails to learn simple rules about how rain works such as stand under the umbrella Don't ride a motorcycle roll up your window Don't go rock climbing Ray Liotta knows which side of the gas station overhang is dryer because he's a human being and not John Cusack turns out precipitation dysmorphia isn't the most versatile of character traits since it only makes sense in movies where the entire premise is the weather Does stuff that's genuinely confusing and if you think this is all an accident You probably haven't seen his highest-grossing film 2012 bravery in the face of inexplicable weather conditions Hey guys, please come out to UCB sunset to see the next live crack podcast It's gonna be December 10th, and we're gonna be doing our year in review app We're calling it the year in review in review. What does that mean? I actually legitimately don't know yet, but I'm gonna figure it out before then and it's gonna be awesome Hope to see you there |
SaturdayNightLive | white_elephant_snl | And, uh, maybe next year we can host this company holiday party in the Bahamas, right?
Cheers, everybody. Cheers. Oh, seriously, thank y'all for coming tonight.
Now, how about we start the White Elephant gift Exchange? does everyone know how this works? Remind me again. Oh, we all take turns grabbing gifts, right? yeah, but you only get to pick when your number is called. Yeah, but we can steal a gift, right? exactamundo. let's start. who's got number one?
Uh, that'd be me. Okay. okay. all right, what do we got here? Ooh. okay, now that's a candle right there. I love it. All right. who's next? Oh, me. I've got number two. Okay. shot the tip, getting in on the action.
Okay. nice. a sweet ass tray. Oh, you know, I was just saying I needed something like this. I'm going to use this as a catch-all by the front door of my place. Yep. cool. So when I get home from a long day, I can just put all my rings and bracelets and playing cards and stuff right from my pockets right here so I know where everything is. To whoever got this, thank you for real. I am going to cherish this forever. it is perfect.
Okay, well, let's move on. number three, I'm up. And you know what?
Actually, I'm going to steal. I really like Sean's gift. yoink. Oh, no, she's heavy. let the games begin. Well, so what? now I just don't get a gift? No, Sean. now you can go back to the unopened gifts. or you can steal. Okay. all right. I'll steal my gift back. Yoink back at you.
No, I don't think you can do that. yeah, you've got to grab someone else's. Uh, that's not fair. you shouldn't be able to do that. that's like mean. that's mean as hell. You know what, Ava? you are a wicked little woman. whoa, whoa, whoa, Sean. I'm going to need you to chillax pimp juice. that's just how the game is played, dude. you shouldn't be able to take someone's gift if it's perfect for them. That's not right.
For example, I wouldn't take Jeanette's scented candle because I know that her house stinks. What? No, I'm just saying, Jeanette, we've all been to your house. we're all aware that you need that candle. Sean, it's okay, dude. just take a different gift. I would have. are you going to open it?
What? it's just going to suck. Okay, hey, let's all take a chill pill and push through. this is supposed to be fun, remember?
So who's next? um, number five right here. Hey, Jeanette, could I get a whiff of your candle? uh-oh. okay, I think I know where this is going. So what are you going to use her to smoke dope?
Sean! what? Look at her. she's obviously doped out of her gourd right now. total smack head. Sean, you're being a child. just open your gift and shut up.
All right, whatever. I will. happy? let's see what crap awaits. it's even addressed to me. who wrote my name on this one? Oh, my goodness. it's the same catch-all but in jet black. That's like, even more awesome than the other one because jet black is my favorite color. your favorite color is jet black? it's a Christmas miracle, guys. who did this? come on, fess up, somebody. it wasn't me. that must mean.
Santa Claus here. telling you that if someone is lucky enough to get a perfect gift at the White Elephant gift Exchange, let them keep it. it costs you nothing to be nice. Now, you might wonder how I knew Sean wanted that catch-all. just call it Father's induition. Ho, ho, Merry Christmas! ho, ho, Merry Christmas! |
dropout | The_Game_Show_About_Rescuing_Your_Rich_Idiot_Friend_Where_In_the_Eff_Is_Sarah_Cincinnati | We all have that screw up friend that asks you to bail her out. Well, that friend is Sarah Cincinnati and she needs your help, gumshoes. Are you up to the task of doing her a solid just this one last time? You may ask why you're still friends, but hey, someone's gotta watch out for her, right? Uh oh, looks like you're getting a call.
Yeah, well, I overslept on the bus on the way to my cousin Julio's wedding. God, he sucks so hard.
And I know what you're thinking. Sarah, what if you miss the open bar? I know, me too. Thanks for looking out.
Anyways, now I don't know where I am. Can you help find me?
Thank you, love you. Mwah. Hello and welcome to The Only Game Show where through trivia and physical challenges, we try to figure out where your dumb friend Sarah is and what favor she needs you to do. With us today are her very loyal and unfortunate friends, Raphael Chestang, Sophia Cleary, and John Millhiser. Guys, thanks so much for joining us here today. Super excited to be here. I mean, you shouldn't be excited, John. Your friend is missing. I'm scared. Oh no. Exactly, thank you. That's the proper emotion.
We are gonna figure out where Sarah is by following her paper trail via some trivia questions. Next. All right, starting off our trivia round. Question one.
Just over the hill in Studio City, Los Angeles, Sarah visited a restaurant called Coyote Pizza, which always has something good in the oven and is known for an unusual menu item. Is it A, a pizza with other tiny pizzas as toppings, B, garlic nuts that the owner claims are made with a recipe that was brought back in time from the future, C, a salad that sends pregnant women into labor, or D, a chocolate cake that gives diners actual orgasms?
All right, y'all locked in? Yeah. Wait, wait, wait. You have to shuffle them first. Yeah, I got it. Yeah. They're on ladders, man. That's the technique. Okay, it's all shuffled up now.
All right, Raph, what do you got? A. A pizza with other tiny pizzas as toppings. Yeah, it's cute. Okay, Sophia. C, a salad that sends pregnant women into labor. All right, and John, what do we got? C. Actually, I think it's that one. Backwards C. The answer is C. It is a salad that sends pregnant women into labor.
That's literally what it is. Yeah. And it's real. It's real. As an ex doula, I can confirm. Yeah, people go all the time.
Is it a lot of beets? I think, I actually don't know what's in it. They won't tell you what it is.
Dates, maybe, probably. Dates are really good for getting it going. Oh my God, I eat dates so much. Do you go a lot? Careful.
Do I go to labor? That's why I go to labor. Do I go to labor?
For our next one, uh oh, ding ding. Looks like you got a butt text from Sarah. Sarah sent this from Berkeley, California, though she surprisingly failed to tag anyone in it.
This structure, which is made primarily from repurposed junk, is A, an anti-helicopter parenting playground where kids play with hammers and saws in a landscape made from garbage. B, Our Lady of Garbage Church of Junk, where visitors are encouraged to dump non-food trash wherever they like on the grounds. C, a secret junkyard entrance to California's oldest Masonic temple. Or D, Oscar's Tacos, a restaurant which carefully skirts the line of copyright infringement with its trash monster themed decor.
Raph, what do we got? A. The anti-helicopter parenting playground. Yes. Sophia.
B. Our Lady of Garbage Church of Junk. I'm gonna go with B. Church of Junk.
The answer is A. It is an anti-helicopter parenting playground. What? That's real?
It was designed in 1979 to encourage children to take risks. And hurt themselves?
Yeah. That's psycho. All right, next up.
Sarah rarely sticks to the plan and her next step was no exception when she took a detour down an alley in San Luis Obispo only to find herself in this well-known landmark. A, No Man's Alley, which is supposedly outside of federal and state legal jurisdiction due to a technicality. And therefore, everything is legal. B. Cat King Alley, populated by an absurd number of feral cats, which locals claim will curse you if you harm them. C. Bubble Gum Alley, where the walls and floors are coated with more than 40 years of stale, chewed bubble gum. D. O'Malley's Rally Tally Alley, which served as the finish line for the local O'Malley Soapbox Derby and includes a mural of previous winners.
Damn.
I'm just gonna say this. Okay. This is very close to Hearst Castle. Mm-hmm, okay. That's it, that's it. Did I get a point? All right, Raph, what do we got?
B. Cat King Alley. Cat King.
All right, Safiya. C. Bubble Gum Alley. John. I'm gonna go with the big D. Big D. That is O'Malley's Rally Tally Alley. I think that's right. I think D is right. You lock in an answer and then you hear John and then you go, I think that's right. Well, the answer is C, so.
Whoa! As Constance Wu says, believe women. So, it's really meaningful. Wake up. When you believe women.
Look at this disgusting alley. That is really disgusting.
It gives me anxiety. Anyone have trichophobia? I sure do. I hate looking at this.
Anyway, let's get away from this. Looks like we've got another voicemail from Sarah for our next question. She stopped us on the dance floor and whispered in my ear, if water is best when thirsty and food is best when hungry, when is it best to love? The moment called for flirtation and yet I hung my head in shame. My answer was never and we wouldn't speak again. Ugh!
I have been waiting for that to come out. So cool. Such a weird voicemail. Yeah. Is she reading a poem?
Sarah left this voicemail while waiting in San Francisco for her reservation at Cafe Zoetrope, a wine bar and restaurant created by Francis Ford Coppola. She was inspired by A, a five minute clinic street booth session where patrons get five minutes to vent to a trained listener about their problems. B, the menu, which includes a carefully constructed narrative to explain the backstory of each menu item. C, a rumor that the bartenders at Zoetrope give anyone a free glass of wine if they can tell them a good enough story.
D, a short story vending machine for free printouts of amateur, user-submitted short stories to entertain people as they wait. Raph. D, short story vending machine. Sophia. C, bartenders will give you a free glass of wine for a good story. John. Going with the big D again. Big D. The answer is D. It is a short story vending machine.
Yeah, they're actually in a few places. They're in France as well.
Yeah, I knew that. You didn't know. I haven't said that to a single person on the show. You don't know.
Raph. What were you gonna say, John? It's in France too? Mm-hmm.
And Francis Ford Coppola has it in his class name. Okay, you're smart. Whoa. Yeah, you're smart. Okay, fine, you got it. France was named after Francis Ford Coppola. You got it.
Looks like we have got a tweet from Sarah. Let's check it out. Sarah took this photo while still in San Francisco, but don't feel insecure if you're not sure why she sent it.
What is this wall of lava lamps? Is it A, decor at Diane's Discounts, which claims to be the world's fanciest thrift store. B, an installation that is used to encrypt nearly 10% of all the data on the internet. C, the last original lava lamps ever produced, all owned by an eccentric billionaire who hoards 60s and 70s paraphernalia. Or D, an art installation designed to help people feel less anxious, but that some claim is a secret government mind control experiment. What do you got? C. Okay, C, the last original lava lamps ever produced. D, an art installation designed to help people feel less anxious. John. A. A, decor at Diane's Discounts. The answer is B. This is an installation that is used to encrypt nearly 10% of the data on all of the internet. Wow. It uses a machine to track the random motions of the lava lamps to generate unpredictable encryption algorithms.
Oh. Okay. What? Oh. Ooh. For sure, for sure, yeah. All right, next.
Sarah left San Francisco and went to the California city nicknamed the Big Tomato. Where is she?
A, Sacramento. B, Fresno. C, Bakersfield. Or D, Santa Cruz.
I don't know. I'm torn. I saw Bird Girl? No. What was that?
Lady Bird? I saw Lady Bird. Bird Girl.
Okay, you knew what I was saying.
Honestly, would C. Better title. Way better title.
No, mom, I'm not Christine. I'm Bird Girl.
Wake up. That took place in Sacramento. Nobody made any references to a Big Tomato. All right, let's do it.
Rock. D, Santa Cruz. Sophia. D, Santa Cruz. John. C. Bakersfield. The answer is A, Sacramento.
You didn't hear Bird Girl's Tomatoes I had tried? Half that movie was about Big Tomatoes. My intuition was telling me two things. She was like, oh, I don't wanna go to college. I wanna be a Big Tomato. Approaching final question.
Right now, Raph, you have 20. Sophia, you have 20. And John, you have 20.
We are all tied up. This could be anybody's game. Oh boy.
You already know Sarah ended up in Sacramento, which you're probably aware is the state of California's capital. However, California has actually changed state capitals six times. For our final question, where you can wager however many points you have up to, you don't have to wager all of them. Name one of the California capital cities from before 1854, when Sacramento became the permanent capital.
All right? You get your point wager on the board. That was good thinking. Yeah?
You didn't feel psychotic listening to it? No. No, I do.
Wow! Oh, God! God, why? Why?
Oh, wait, no, that's good. But so you say the same. Yeah, that's good.
You just didn't gain anything. You're gonna win. So you're at 20 points.
I wagered it all. You wagered it all, Sophia. San Francisco is incorrect. John, you wagered?
One.
So you're still in the game as well. I'm so sorry, Sophia, that means you're eliminated.
Here were the options. The answers were Monterey, San Jose, Vallejo, twice was the capital, Benicia, and weirdly, Sacramento. Sacramento was the name of the capital at one point, but then it got changed. I had to come back. And then went back to Sacramento.
You learn something new every day. You really, truly do.
Sophia, I'm so sorry, that means you're eliminated. It's all good. But Raph and John, you get another chance to help your dear friend, Sarah Cincinnati, in round two with our physical challenge. And to queue you up for that, we have a little message from Sarah. Yay, you found me!
I am in Sacramento where all the almonds come from and where Cali state government stuff happens. Speaking of which, I have a court meeting in 10. If you learned anything from me today, it's don't steal almonds in California because they will arrest you for punching the cop that gave you a citation.
Anywho, I need you to find Julio's wedding gift. I lost it somewhere in all of the craziness. Oop.
The cop who gave me the citation is back. What, are you gonna arrest me again for jaywalking? You gonna catch me? Are you gonna catch me?
Huh? Have fun, you guys. Oh, God. Okay, Raph and John, you found Sarah in Sacramento.
And Sacramento is home to the Blue Diamond almond growers. And California is home to 80% of the world's almond crop. So wouldn't you know it, Sarah left her wedding gift on an almond farm.
So she needs your help getting it back. And the only way to get it back is through the game Almond King.
Almond King. Each of you will be given a nut hammer and a bunch of almonds. You must crack as many almonds as you can in 60 seconds. And whoever cracks the most amount of almonds and places them in their corresponding baskets by the end of time wins.
The catch? You'll each be wearing a VR headset that is playing a Sacramento Kings basketball game, baby. And I'm gonna want live updates of what's going on in that game because I'm a huge basketball head. So, huge. So be sure to keep me posted. You guys feel good? Yeah. Okay, let's put those goggles on. I also am going to put goggles on because Raph's wilder. On your mark, get set, go nuts!
The red team, the blue team just scored. The blue team just scored.
Oh, cool. Raph, what's going on in the game? Right now, I think somebody just got fouled. Yeah. Where's the ball? The ball, right now, so much. Blue team has it. All right, 30 seconds. That's the mark it's coming with the string. Uh, oh, oh, the broken ones. Missed in with the new ones. Yeah, John, what's going on in the game? The blue guy has it again. Okay, cool. Three, two, one, time! Oh, man, you can take those headsets off.
Wow. Okay, so that's Raph five, John 11. Raph, I am so sorry, that means you are eliminated. Wow, wow.
And John, you will be moving on to round three, our obstacle course. Okay, so John, Sarah is trying to leave Sacramento and still needs her cousin's wedding gift that you found. So we have to figure out where she's trying to go.
And within Sarah's nasty apartment lie five clues identified with little magnifying glass stickers on them that point to her final destination. You will have 90 seconds to ransack the place to find as many clues as you can, but watch out. You never know who or what is lurking in Sarah's apartment.
Good God, she is a mess. How are you feeling? Good. Do you think you're gonna panic in there? Yeah, I'm good at ransacking stuff. Okay, great. So, you ready? Okay, on your mark, get set, ransack! Uh-oh, it looks like Sarah's drunk whiny sister is here and she does not look happy. What are you doing?
Stop it. You can't go through her stuff. Fun fact, Sarah's sister was banned from all indoor malls in Los Angeles. She thinks it's because she made out with her mall Santa, but it's actually because she was too annoying. You can't look at her.
Shouldn't you be at the wedding? I didn't get invited to the wedding.
Oh, I'm sorry. Please. Okay. Please stop letting me in. Oh, okay. Please stop. This table's still John. Oh my God. There might still be something here. You're gonna break it over her shelf. Oh, okay, a clue? What if I- Ma'am, please. 40 seconds left. Please.
You know what, I'm gonna call a call. All right, John's checking the bookshelf. Hey, do you know what the number- He's at the side table. He's searching. You know what the number to the cops is? He just found another clue. Uh, 911. Is it 919? 20 seconds, John. 811?
Okay. I'll try that. Ow! Whoa. You don't have to throw things at me. Violence is just the answer. You got 10 seconds, John. Don't, no, don't touch that. No, no. Okay, what about that food that's on there, John? I don't know if that's a clue at all. Yeah, no. Oh my God, okay, great. One second. Time! Ow! Ha, ha, ha, ha.
So, what do we have? We have a bag of raisins.
And a to-do list to visit all the major cities in California, L.A., San Francisco, San Diego, Sacramento. So, using the clues that you found, where do you think Sarah needs to go? Well, I don't know what these are for.
Yeah. But I'm going to say San Jose. San Jose, is that your final answer? Yeah. San Jose is incorrect, I'm so sorry!
The answer is actually Fresno. Fresno. Yes, I know, I know. Who cares about Fresno? There were two clues over there that might have been more helpful. It was a map and a CSUF little university, California State University of Fresno. Okay. I know, I know.
Sucks that you weren't able to get Sarah's wedding gift to Fresno, but she does have a little message for you. So I know not making it to Julio's wedding is technically bad, but I kind of see it as a win-win. Because now I don't have to suffer through Julio's wedding and now I get to come home and see you!
Can you Venmo me $200 for a bus ticket? Because I spent my last $50 on like these almonds. Actually, can you Venmo me 250? So she would like you to Venmo her $250.
What's new?
Ain't that the truth. Thank you so much, John, for playing. That is it for this episode. Tune in next time to see what random place Sarah ends up in and what annoying favor she's going to ask here on... Where in the half day of Sarah Cincinnati. Hey, you guys can't dance, get out! I have to... Thank you. Hi, it's Rekha.
There is a lot of blanket play. It's a lot of blankets, a lot of, oh, I got you a gift, let me tuck you in the bed.
And I'm like, ooh, God, yes! So sign up for your free trial today. And it was so great meeting you. If you want to like share some of those candy bars or rewind some time, you know, like I am available. You know, you get like 125, I can get 125.
I don't know, it's just an idea. |
dropout | what_americans_will_believe_about_christmas_in_the_uk | Hi, we're here in downtown Los Angeles with the holidays approaching We're asking people about the differences between Christmas in the US and the UK To prove that people will believe anything you say if you look like a newsman and are holding a microphone Our version of Santa Claus is that fat jolly elf in the UK. It's a much more fit Santa Claus I think that would be cool to have like a sexy fit Santa at least a dadbod Santa a fit Santa is Unrealistic and very silly the National Association of mall Santas has stood up to any change in The figure of Santa because they say that it would put a lot of mall Santas out of work. They have a union Wow, I don't know any mall Santas But I would hope that they wouldn't be put out of a job for like trendy hot Santa So in Great Britain Mrs. Claus takes on a much bigger role than she does here She's actually it does about 50% of the work I wouldn't want to do it, but like I'm about her being able to do it Yeah, yeah, like I don't want her to be forced to do it, right? But like if she wants it, right? Yeah, I'm a traditionalist and I want Santa to take the burden we can definitely get on the same page as Great Britain We should give mrs. Claus like a full character with you know motivation very American for the man to get all the credit Excellent answer it's even otter that there's a lot of small people helping me out that don't get credit either Do you think that 2006 was too late to introduce mrs. Claus being kind of at the same level?
It's never too late In Great Britain on Boxing Day the two eldest members of a family have an actual boxing match Who in your family would win probably my grandpa He's a badass in Great Britain when children are deemed by their parents to be neither on the naughty list nor the nice list They're required to write a 250 word essay explaining why they should be on the nice list. I think an essay is a great Tie-breaker I'd use it on my kids. Do you think that that would work here? I don't know if you could if you could get that done in a public school I think if they had it on Twitter then all the kids would do it there will be a competition this year to see Whose essays are more persuasive? Who do you think would be the more persuasive writer? British British children the kids here that are five can't really write yet. I'm gonna go with the home team I think we're pretty good at BSing We know how to get what we want if you compare the grammar I don't know. Yeah, some of the British critics say that grammar should be included in the UK They only have eight reindeer.
They don't consider Rudolph a reindeer because he is too showy I don't agree not even like turn off the light and just make his nose red No, because that's the whole purpose of him That's like he shines because he's the friend of all the other raiders. Do you think that Rudolph is too showy? No, I don't Rudolph is the lead the leader of the pack So that's how all the songs go to Rudolph the raid no stranger So on it is a little bit of a non sequit. It comes out of nowhere Why why is it have why does he have a red and why does nobody think that it's not a disease he gets in front I feel like he should go to the hospital Honestly, if you saw a reindeer with a red nose, he would think something was wrong.
Yeah, like with this help. Yeah That's a really good point. I just It's weird.
Okay, just cuz they do it in England doesn't mean we should do it here I mean Rudolph is the business. Okay, I mean if anybody ever decided that there was a gay reindeer, it would be Rudolph Okay |
wearethesundayblues | project_trapped_episode_02_derick_watts_the_sunday_blues | Mmm. Morning. Sleep well did you? Mmm, morning.
I did actually. I don't think I've slept that well since probably boy scout camp. No, good. Good to know because I pretty much didn't sleep at all thanks to you.
Why not?
Well firstly you're snoring. You sounded like a bear making love to a jackhammer. Yeah and what was up with the bongos? You're playing bongo drums and snoring at the same flipping time.
Dude, I don't snore, okay? My mom says I don't snore. I know I don't snore.
Bongo drums? I've never played bongo drums before. I don't own a set of bongo drums.
I'm not a hippie. Hmm, could have fooled me. Sounded like Che Guevara's slumber party all up in here. What's that? Brilliant, it's today's activity we would have been doing. They're really rubbing it in.
Hot air balloon ride over Cape Town. Oh that sounds quite nice. Yeah but we don't get to do it do we because we're trapped in this hotel room thanks to you. It's been my dream to go on a hot air balloon ride. Ever since I was 27, sailing high above the clouds, leaving all my cares and worries behind here on earth. Won't get to do that now.
Wait a minute, Gareth, maybe we can still do it. How? We're trapped in a hotel room? You're never trapped when you have imagination. Look Gareth, look, everything looks so small from up here. This is ridiculous. Gareth, nothing's ridiculous when you have imagination.
No, I've had it, I'm getting up. This has been a total waste of time. But Gareth, you're missing out on all the adventure. No, no, I'm just gonna go have a nap. The more I sleep, the quicker this week's gonna go by.
Psst, hey, down here. Don't be so hard on yourself. I saw what happened out there. Okay. By the way, way cooler hot air balloon. Thanks.
Is it gonna sound weird, but are you real? Yeah, I'm real. As real as it gets. Sometimes, I'm a little too real.
By the way, that friend of yours out there, I don't trust him. You don't? I see that look in his eyes. He doesn't appreciate you. He doesn't realize that the most important thing in this world is friendship.
I know, right? That's what I keep saying. Especially in this day and age. What, with global warming and all? Exactly. Dude, you are speaking my language. Listen, I don't know if it's the lack of sleep talking here. Maybe it's the helium. But you're a really sensitive guy. Oh, thanks. Must be the two-ply. Listen, this has been great. I gotta get going. Psst, hey, keep an eye on that other guy. Mmm, nice ass. |
cracked | i_love_you_man_review_aka_friendship_at_the_rush_show | and we're live I hope I pray we're gonna start because last time we did seven minutes of just talking about nonsense we're gonna avoid that because it's called chuffa yes welcome to crack movie club the show where we do a book club but for movies which are like books but better I'm the host of this show Jordan breeding I'm gonna be checking the comments so I will be very distracted and I'm joined by my co-host Jesse and Ali say hello hello hello I'm gonna be checking Jordan's face as he's checking the comments just try engage what he feels about the comment so I'm gonna be really focused on that and not listening to anything that you say good same level of distraction but no contributed added value I love it yeah exactly I'm gonna be thinking about global conflict so that's why I'll be distracted which is useful we need more people focused on those things Ali we watched a movie can you recap the movie yes okay so this movie is called I love you man I feel like you have to say it with like a motion in your voice um so in this movie a guy named Peter Clavin which in my opinion sounds like a serial killer doesn't have like a serial killer name five Peter Clavin yeah going full Peter is a can be pretty deep you never want to see a guy go full Peter that's really messed up I feel like a game of thrones character to me it's like a murderer well sure or like a hot brother that you know LA real estate within the first 30 seconds of streaming but I do this time because I'm Peter Clavin not a serial killer but instead Paul Rudd a very sweet well-meaning real estate agent in the first 30 seconds of movie proposes to his girlfriend they have not been going out for long it's only been like two months yeah maybe eight months specifically either way her name is Zoe but he really is into her and she's very supportive of his dreams so he's like let's do it let's get engaged and she's like yeah on the car ride home she calls her friend she calls her mom she calls it and Peter has called nobody and she's like do you have any friends that you want to tell we're engaged and he realizes or begins to realize in that moment that he doesn't really have any best friends with whom to share good news maybe any that are male for me friends yes he does seem to have closer female friends or at least like he is very welcoming of Zoe's circle of friends but he doesn't have any like good guy buddies that he goes and hangs out with and at first he's like I don't think that's that weird but then he overhears Zoe's friends being like he's not even gonna like have a best man isn't that weird like have you ever met a guy who doesn't have any male friends and so he is like okay I'm gonna make it my mission to find a best man for my wedding this leads him on a series of little dates with a variety of weirdos but none of them really work and then as he's getting ready to give up on it he is at Lou Ferrigno's mansion which he is selling where he meets a guy named Sydney Fife who is an investor who is just like a laid-back cool guy who makes him laugh and they exchange business cards for business reasons but he ends up calling him and being like do you want to just like hang which leads to them falling in in love kind of they have like a significant bromance so to speak where they share secrets with each other and they discover they have similar tastes in music and they sort of nicely mirror each other's anxieties and one slightly more uptight where the other ones more relaxed but that's good because they whatever so uh things sort of are on the upswing then Sydney gives an embarrassing speech at their rehearsal dinner engagement dinner that makes a lot more sense I was like they're not gonna married yet which is like maybe the first sign that he's a loose cannon and perhaps not like the smartest choice for a best man slash maybe he was just sort of enamored by his sparkling personality but like what if he's maybe like a little trickster which is also the suspicion is deepened when he asks for an $8,000 loan yeah because when when Peter tells Zoe that he gave me $1,000 she's like you don't know this man like you like like you're not like I want you to have a best friend but this man like waltzed into your life took your money embarrassed to be at my engagement dinner and when you're with him you completely forget about me which is fair but it turns out the $8,000 was to launch an unbelievably successful series of bus ads and like sides of the things where you sit when you're waiting for the subway or the bus we call him Benches I really couldn't remember the word it's an LA thing you wouldn't know I really was like I know there is a word for it but I can't long chairs yeah exactly lawn chairs but it works and he gets a series of phone calls from people who are like I loved your ads you're a real real firecracker I'd love to work with you or just like women being like hey you're kind of horny can we maybe get together and talk about my house whatever because they are still having somewhat of a tiff he is not invited to the wedding but he makes a dramatic entrance on a Vespa as encouraged by Zoe because Zoe sees that he has a good heart and it's important to Sydney sorry it's important to Peter that Sydney is there because she sees Peter sort of a pouting sadly on the lawn finally realizes what a shrew she's been I do think actually this movie does a pretty good job of not making her act insane we can talk about that later but yeah Sydney is on his own no it's not Sydney Peter is on his own wedding day pouting like a little puppy dog and she's like that makes me sad so she invites Sydney who comes and makes a big old speech and gives back the $8,000 he's been a good guy all along and then over the final credits they play a rush song the end yep that's pretty much what happens and I I now must defend why we watch it although I don't think it needs much defending the reason I chose this movie is because a it's February and so we thought we would do rom-coms which I think in retrospect was a bad idea because well people aren't listening as much as they were when we weren't doing well also the good news is this is a buddy comedy more than it is a rom-com that is great news thank you for bringing some good news for once but the other reason is because I saw this movie with my dad and my best friend who is still my best friend Hank Mardukas when we were in high school and I just remember thinking it was the best thing I'd ever seen I thought it was so freakin funny the slap in the baseline everything and it's still it's one of the few movies I own on DVD and it's still a movie that my best friend and I who did become my best man and I his still quote to this day endlessly so you know I just want to share that with you guys so don't break my heart with it but honestly on rewatch I still really enjoyed it I honestly I think it's a it's a delightful little film so I think speaking of the quote ability of this thing this movie like more than any other movie I can think of off the top my head launched a million inside jokes you know like this is the this is the first time I don't know for sure if this is like the first mainstream like example of a man cave but it definitely had stuff like slap into base no question that started the fourth prominent character in the movie yeah it's like no if it was in New York City New York City would be the character but but here it's the the one rift line there's also Papa squiz not the tits redonkulous these are all the first times that I heard those phrase that I can remember hearing them definitely the like shoehorning the word bro into everything that became popular because of this movie so there was a time when those expressions all got annoying but yeah there's also a brief period where it was the height of comedy yeah and I mean yeah again its impact on culture was pretty evident by me and my best friend being each other's best man probably because of this movie which I think culturally has the whole reason you got married really echoed throughout time if I'm not mistaken so here's I got a couple of questions that I'm gonna go down because as Ali hinted at before well she didn't hint at it she outright said it but the camera wasn't on yet there's not gonna be a lot of like symbolism that we miss there's not a lot of like oh look at the like the hammer and sickle in the background when he's talking about real estate or whatever like oh my god it's condemnation of capitalism I mean one thing they did say was that Lou Ferrigno's mansion was four point two million dollars not in a zillion years that was prime like Beverly Hills real estate with a huge view that is an eleven million dollar mansion I it was so distracting I had to I did like meditate on it for a while so Ali Ali spends five hours a day on Zillow she knows that she's talking about what no one watched selling sunset I don't even know what that is and what do you think that's a metaphor for is I think that's a metaphor for underselling your yourself and that in this movie many people need to take more control of what they have to bring to the table you are not a four point two million dollar mansion you are an eleven million dollar mansion and don't you forget it you have a view I will say I think there is some symbolism to like what Sydney represents like there's a part of Peter's like brain or at least personality that is missing and I don't I honestly don't know off the top I had the difference between ego and id but I got some pretty strong thoughts on it no it is the oh wait no I think I just got it backwards I think it is is the head one ego is the head one the balls no no it is the middle ego is the is where the conscious mind lives it is the animal super ego is the mind so yes so I think it's like your your your gut instinct without your thoughts or how you want to be perceived clouding how you'd like to act essentially so I think that's exactly what Sydney is right and he like explains his philosophy of like you know we're all just animals and that's why I'm not gonna clean up my dog's poop and stuff like that and that's why we need to go into the boardwalk and just yell like a primal animal scream so I think that that I think there is some intended some symbology there where Peter's just this like very like nice guy and he doesn't really ever express or like live in his id and here comes Sydney who's all id and the rest of the movie is about like bouncing him out right I actually have a question and I feel like perhaps this is the kind of thing we could open up to the chat if if we have conflicted responses is it a common trope is there a stereotype of a man who does not have a lot of male friends it's like they sort of like so casually say it in the movie that it it's almost like it's like you know the guy everybody knows that guy everyone's got the guy in their life doesn't got a lot of guy friends and it's like I felt like it was somewhat of a new concept to me like well that's really is this a thing I think it's especially interesting because by definition that guy doesn't know a lot of people or a lot of people don't know that guy you know I don't think it's a movie trope to your point Allie I do think there are guys like that in I honestly though I don't know that they come across so I know a few guys who are definitely like significantly better friends with women than they are with men but they're also kind of they kind of suck sometimes like it's not it's not like oh they're so sweet necessarily uh-huh and they just like don't bro hard enough it just sort of plays out that way because a lot of guys just don't like hanging out with them and Jordan is Jordan is absolutely the John Favreau character yeah yeah Jordan is such a bro I think about that when I think about Jordan yeah is it also in that that person that you're you know you can just say it's Jesse it's fine so in that Jesse that you know is it is the man who has a lot of women friends like not really friends with them they're just like a harem of potential dates here guys no I know it's probably not even that I think it's more like a it's a lot easier for them to talk to women so if they're at a party or something they're gonna talk to more women they're gonna be more in the room where the women are talking if it's sequestered in that way as opposed to like it just doesn't go as how am I phrasing this this basic idea that like for whatever reason maybe it's an emotional thing or it's wanting to talk more about people they know as opposed to the latest Star Wars or something or sporting event I'm kind of conflating a bunch of people now but I just I don't necessarily see them as like oh this is a bunch of this is like their harem yeah like you were saying of potential mates and more about they're just not connecting well with guys because they're for whatever reason and women are just at least in these social events seem to be more accepting of them for some reason do we think that Peter is that guy because he just is like so busy with work and doesn't take time to hang with the dude he sort of does seem like he's been looking for a wife this whole time or he's more comfortable with women in general because he you know he's nice to a bunch of different women but you don't really get the impression it's not like one of those movies I will say entropy thing is is my best friend's wedding where it's like her best friend is this hot dude and you could see that like the opposite happens too which is made for honor which is what you mentioned where it's like her best friend is just a guy or in his case it's like his best friend is just this hot woman like isn't that wacky I don't yeah sort of like the anti Julia Roberts character and that like she's cool because she can like hang and she can like colder liquor and she's always go into the sports games and blah blah blah but he's not cool because when he goes to poker night he doesn't know the rules and he pukes on John Favreau well but which actually when I say it out loud is not very cool so I guess what I'm saying is like I don't get the impression that he has had a ton of female like legitimate friend relationships I just think that he is a serial monogamous who fits in well with whoever he's dating friend group right like okay he's coming in spare I like he comes in with like the milkshakes or whatever he got for all those women I don't think he and and Jamie Presley like bro out or or whatever they don't watch Chocolat together on the side he just is fitting into friend groups and he's going one woman at a time that's why they say his best friend is his mom because that's one of the only I guess to your point a little bit he that's one of the only women he's not gonna date so his his only friend is ever the one woman he's dating and then sort of integrated into her friend group if that makes sense that's what I feel I think that was a very astute character summation thanks I'm who said there wasn't symbolism in the movie I'm here all week but I yeah I think that's a that's a I think that's a thing that exists in real life too but I don't think it's a movie trope to your point I don't think it's like super common that you have a male character who is a serial monogamous friend with women but not with the intention of dating them and also not like oh this is my best friend since we were in first grade and we're gonna at some point remember that we love each other or something like yeah I think a really interesting lens to like look at this movie through is what would it be like if it was gender-swapped like we've the three of us been talking about that a lot so the swap of that is Peter's character would be there like just one of the guys girl but that has a whole set of other baggage where like that imply that that does directly imply like potential relationship stuff between the friends but that doesn't seem to be the case with Peter there's like no chemistry with any other woman in his life all his co-workers the friends of his girlfriend that sort of thing yeah they do love him though which is kind of fun yeah like all of his female co-workers like go out there and get him Pete yeah I think except for that except for at least one that is overtly horny for him well yeah yeah but it's also it's Paul Rudd so like what are you expecting if Paul Rudd worked in your office you'd be like tell me everything I need to know the whole story I was gonna bring up I mean we've already experienced this in two movies the two of the last three weeks have been this trope of co-worker who sits in cubicle and watches porn all day yeah yeah what the hell is going on in this media I like to think an early draft of this had Peter buying a Sibian and starting a romantic relationship with it yes no a platonic relationship with it and and just it's only his friend and it's his best man oh true yeah put a little bow tie on it exactly yeah it squirts him to the altar you said it squirts in such a way that it really sounded like you said squirts news got it squirts into the altar it can do whatever it wants I that's one of my favorite lines in the whole movie it's so gross but they're like we got a squirter we got a squirter imagine though if you were in an office and someone like that's what I'm saying there's no way that's a realistic you'd be fired so fast especially now we're like presumably every boss is spying on your computer all the time right I just mean I guess they get a little bit of flexibility because it's probably a hundred-percent commission at least that's the implication it's very it's very commission focused so you can kind of do whatever you want but I still think that creates kind of a hostile work environment if somebody's yelling we got a squirter here and early though with a lot of women in it I just think it would be very yes when Jordan when you do come to town you are that guy in our office oh yeah you truly run around yelling weird bad things it's actually true but it's for my art that's true yeah I did it for the art I did it for Lou Ferrigno's mansion yeah and you know Lou Ferrigno's discount mansion yeah I can't even talk about it don't get don't get me angry again I'm just gonna move on because I don't want to talk about the horrible things I've done in New York City which is mostly nothing except for yeah I know you didn't you gotta come for longer next time and we can like do city things and not just greenpoint pizza yeah get me a good pizza for the love I've been there you wouldn't I literally said get whatever pizza you want the boss said you can buy the pizza the CEO came up and said hey if people are gonna come over you know get them something I said Jesse get us something you got us just this basic pizza this is just boring pizza from Long Island City that's not where you got to go if you want like the real pizza we can't order it from sheepshead Bay we got to go there yeah is it known for its pizza green point is known for its pierogies and stuff well yeah not having any subways near it and you have to walk a lot subway is really yummy so let's do this yeah I have a couple of things they're all sort of they're all sort of around the same theme which is I think that this movie it's not prophetic but it it lays out a blueprint for mid-young adult life that we're finding ourselves in that's even more tricky to navigate now than I think when the movie came out which is to say making adult friendships in real life is a lot harder in this kind of Covity post-covid world too oh yeah where now it's it's so hard to even want to go outside and do anything at all and I thought it was so interesting they kind of get into all these rules of dating like not real dating but finding friends and stuff and you both seem to have a lot of friends which is fine it doesn't matter I'm not jealous they're all chicks yeah they're all chicks it's fine I'm a good little boy so I don't I don't the only way Jordan the only way Jordan makes new friends is by starting podcasts okay but that's true and that's what I'm accused starting podcasts and having children well yeah I'm breeding my own new friends yeah you have two best friends living in your house right now that you created but they call me Papa and it's there's a distance between us sometimes I was curious so as two young socialites living in New York City what you know how how true do you find this do you do you feel like there's ever a need for that or you know how do you go about making new friends help me I mean I do think it is we it is harder to make friends the older you get just because like I think you get put into less situations that like create bonding do you know what I mean like when you think about like college as a bonding experience like it really is like you're shut away from the outside world you're going through like some of the biggest like life changes of your young adult years you're you know getting support and or it confiding in said people for whatever reason and so like that's why those people tend to be still important to you even later in life and then as you get older and it's like my work job my I will say that like I think I am in a somewhat of a unique position in that when you do creative work you get introduced to new people all the time and you are sort of forced to be at least semi vulnerable you know what I mean it can't just be like a job you clock in clock out and you never and you just like simply make small talk like you have to at some point like be vulnerable or whatever it is and so like in my adult life I've met a lot of good friends by going away for a theater season and being in Vermont for three and a half months and that that's that's literally where I met my my best friend of my like adult life that I've now been friends with for a decade and is my best man brooms man bridesman I don't know he's my bridesman that's the trope that I think exists in real life and in movies which is oh she has a bridesman as opposed to the if this was the female version of I love you man yeah all ruds character doesn't have he's not like inviting his groomsmen aren't a bunch of women that have been converted to brides or grooms women I suppose I think yeah anyway not to not to go back to that but yeah yeah yeah yeah that makes sense I mean my best friend is I've known him since first grade still and he lives down the street which is why I can't leave I love that then I'll never make any other friends I will say yeah to your point I feel like most of my good friends I was saying this to my wife like a couple months ago we were in a band through college and for several years after college and that was where like my most important relationships were I was always meeting people we were meeting other bands all that stuff and so when we stopped doing the band yeah there's like that creative friend making hole in your life and now I do this but it's all remote and so and also everybody hates me no but it is but remote is weird like it is different like just the fact that at one point in our lives Jesse and I were in the same room three times a week sometimes like it's weird it's weird that's not a yeah I was beating up Jesse a lot but then feeling immediate remorse and going yeah to the emergency room you're like a kid in that way when you are making stuff especially in person especially like theater where it's like it's got to be right that's just like a lot of throwing spaghetti at the wall and like necessitating that sort of like everyone comes with a good open-mind thing and I don't think that that's necessarily true of work like I I also have really good friends that I've made from work work not creative work like the library where I worked and things like that but that sort of felt against all odds to me where I was like I can't believe I'm such good friends my co-workers like how lucky am I that in a job where we could have very easily just made small talk forever I've like somehow developed these really nice friendships whereas when we're like rehearsing shows constantly and having to pitch our own vulnerable ideas I'm not surprised that those people have become like really good friends in my life because it like it requires someone being like hey hold on we talked over blah blah blah's idea I really like it I'm gonna put my support behind it dude I don't know I never liked any of Jesse's ideas so I don't know what I'm talking about no you were always very clear about that I had a very I had a really similar thing we're like two of my best friends I met him in fourth grade I'd really pick up any like lifelong friends again until college but then after that it was between college and like this several years before joining this UCB team a lot of people like find their buds in their UCB classes I never quite got there but it was yeah going through whether it was bad shows which honestly I don't think we really had any of those but sure definitely going through adversity like there were there were months where we would have maybe a director that was like extra harsh and made for like just a really bad few weeks but on the other side of that you know we all just became a lot closer I think so it's definitely this creative work and then Jordan I feel like you're picking up all kinds of friends now though they're mostly through the internet well that's what I mean I have internet friends but yeah I mean but you do occasionally like do kind of a national tour where you get to like meet a person that you've been working with online for a brief hour that's true you should do that you should do a little you should do a little I love you man type tour of all your internet acquaintances and see which one passes the gauntlet to be moved up to the level of good friend yeah or see which one misreads the situation and kisses you on yeah yeah I mean I wouldn't fight it like Paul Rudd cuz I'm too polite I like that you're just like I don't know I'm made out tonight really and no I was it just I really wanted to polite and just I couldn't stop them and this what's gonna be like we got somebody horny in the chat hold on I gotta block him I told you I was gonna be distracted while he's dealing with that we can talk about how fun this cast is like everybody's act nuts every time a person shows up even like for one line you're like oh my god baby Nick Kroll okay you had one line goodbye it's just the Kroll I feel like really made a meal out of his like one or two lines yeah oh yeah yeah I thought yeah I agree I think Jamie Pressley is so good in everything that she yes yes again another character or another actor maybe I'm conflating conversations now my whole family crawled out of the Tennessee Hills at some point we don't know where we came from Jamie Pressley would fit in very well with my family she looks like a lot of my family she talks like a lot of my family but she's more fun than most of my family I mean like even people who were teensy tiny little bit roles are people who I you can tell were like on the verge of breaking into TV success and things like that yeah even like of Zoe's friends and that one scene where they're like it's kind of weird that you don't have friends is the woman who plays marine ponderosa and it's always sunny do you know I'm talking about oh which one is she's the one who was like there's another ponderosa brother and like Dennis doesn't want to get with her oh she's the one with the dead plants the dead two exactly right she's so funny and it's like you can tell that this was an early on just breaking in has two lines with nails and both do you know what I mean yeah yep and also a lot of the like Parks and Rec started in 2009 I'm pretty sure right and so there was a lot of these people that either were cast members or made cameos you're right this is such a good snapshot of people that were just about to blow up and just owned the comedy scene for the next decade yeah yeah I was gonna say that actually this movie sort of dodges my like there's this breakdown I think every frame of painting did this did a video on this but this idea between like British and American comedy like basically Edgar Wright style comedy versus Judd Apatow comedy which is or like a Will Ferrell movie where they just do a ton of improv and then they just take the best take versus Edgar Wright who bothers to actually write it out and then he uses things like musical cues or really interesting camera angles to heighten it so like in Shaun of the Dead there will be lots of like pull-ins and dramatic scenes and the light glinting off a knife to make a joke as opposed to Talladega nights they just like set up a camera somewhere and had Will Ferrell say as many dumb things as he could and yeah just took what was the best but I feel like this movie does a great job of letting people do improv but because they're not trying to go so hard with it it just becomes it just like is a way to build their relationship I guess yeah it's very like grounded in reality and I didn't let anybody say anything that would invite too much unraveling questioning do what I mean like the improv can't be so crazy that someone's like stop let's unpack that it's just got to be like funny enough to register but not too crazy to derail the scene and they like they they all sort of nail that down I think a really a key moment is in the in the slap of the base scene the very end of that when he like he like goes back into it for a second and Rashida Jones just like has you can tell a genuine laugh that buys so much like goodwill for their relationship because watching it now there's a lot of times where like she should have like pumped the brakes or put the kibosh on this relationship and you start to kind of think like why is she not saying anything like she's not or is she sort of is she like just this vapid character but then you see that she and Paul Rudd have a legitimate chemistry and you're like okay they just love each other yeah I even believe it in the first scene where he goes to show her the lot where he wants to build his like apartment slash creative slash retail complex and he's so excited and she's sort of charmed by how excited he is about the idea of this project and then he goes out of his way to be like and you could expand your business here and she's like moved by the fact that he thought of her and her own success in tandem with his it's a good movie they do a good job it gets really stupid at points and it gets really in the way that any sitcom a movie will there are things that happen that are not completely treated with reality because if they were the movie would be derailed but it's just treated with reality enough and just silly enough that I like it just I think it hits the idea that somebody would see a billboard of a nearly nude man in a speedo and be like I want that guy to be my real estate agent is a little interesting yeah that's like I do like the idea of a screenwriter sitting down and being like alright what's a big thing that he could do to help his business nearly nude billboards perfect I think that everybody in town seems to love it it's like that can't be true but also it's funny like said this before and I'll say it again it's Paul Rudd and you can believe almost anything that would happen to him yeah yeah I think I think it's almost engineered in that way to balance the like believable buddy stuff with the outrageous situation because in a perfect movie which maybe this was people leave the theater being like wow that's totally me and my friend that's the stuff we would say and do and this movie did such a good job of like literally giving everybody inside jokes everybody's walking out of the theater saying slap on the base so that they're not thinking about how insane it is that like Lou Ferrigno choked a guy out and like get arrested you know showed up to Paul Rudd's wedding party after that yeah oh I also like that she comments on how high up he plays the bass I mean I was like that was I don't know what a funny little I think that was a moment of improv and it was so it was so believable and yeah that actually that brings me to this Ali you're getting married right I am how are you picking how are you what is the logic behind picking the wedding party for you I'm just curious your dear friends the people you like feel like will be a measure of support for you I think because like my wedding party is very small it's for friends and my brother is me part of my wedding party so like I like 90% of your friend group anyway yeah brother counts for more and then you know everybody else is just like acquaintances no because like you want to you obviously want to have some fun so you want them to be people who will be relatively on the same page as you about like being there for you on the day and or before but like more than anything don't I feel like this is everybody's perspective so I'm not saying something new but like don't you want to be able to look at the pictures and be like I'm so happy those people were there with me on that day and not like oh I was really trying to mend a relationship here I should have never tried to force it by putting them in the wedding party yeah well yeah that's why like also like I wasn't like oh no my wedding party has to only be my female friends because that's like would be silly because like some of my really dear important people in my life or not or are like non-binary or whatever sure well I think the only reason I bring that up is because I think yeah we my my wife and I when we got married almost eight years ago so basically when this movie came out practically you know we kind of work through that it's like trying to think through like you're trying to is prognosticate the word that works here who I think any of master oh yeah yeah we were trying to wedding planning was just like at the forefront of our mind so it was just difficult to get into it like yeah that idea of trying to one of the problems of getting married right out of college is you hope that these people are your friends forever but it's it's a little tough to know because everybody hasn't actually like moved yet and so she leaned heavily on family stuff because she thought hopefully they would be around and stuff and I tried to pick some friends and I think it worked out pretty well but I just thought it was it was interesting to think through that process where it's like well I just get my five best buds and I was like well but are they the best buds forever are you you're your best stressful I don't know if it's stressful but I think it's fair it's obviously different I think the measure of do I want to look back at this picture in 15 years because I think I think my wife did sort of that a little bit like offer an olive not an olive branch but kind of like a hey we haven't been connecting as much maybe this will help kind of thing it's like when the marriage is falling apart you have a kid why not and that's why we got like you know it's not really clicking maybe if we were married but yeah anyway and so I just I think about that a lot which is yeah trying to navigate trying to do your best to not only pick a person that you want to live with and be with forever but also a hopefully like four or five ish friends or four more if you're really popular and cool yeah just put your whole band up there like I did and now look where that got me that's cute I actually think that's really cute except for me sorry Jeremy and Caleb now that I think but I was oh my god Jeremy and Caleb you can come to I was in all that I was in everybody else's and the band's wedding but not necessarily all of them weren't mine but I went first I had to make the hard decisions yeah and I have brothers in law do you both feel like this movie is I do think it's extremely well written so that does have something going for it however don't you think it does not work could not work magically does work because they somehow found the two most likable men in the world do I mean I think yes although I do think some of it just comes down to yes that they're affable but I do think because they're so funny I do think they could have like you could have seen Aziz being one of them because Aziz is like a very Nick Kroll would have been weird Nicole but that's because Nick Kroll and I say this with love has a sinister quality about him like that's part of his that's part of his yeah humor like his characters that he creates are all like slightly sinister and like they found these two actors who are funny affable likable safe I don't know how to say that that doesn't sound offensive but like they like they you really do believe they are just kind of good guys do you know what I mean yeah yeah it's sort of magic it's like magic it's like that magic Hollywood casting of just like yep you nailed it you got the right ones yeah I totally agree and they they even said that or Rashida Jones said that she signed on she was sort of skeptical of the idea of the story but she signed on because Jason Siegel and Paul Rudd were on and I think she the way she put it was like I knew right then it was gonna be better than it had any right to be mm-hmm and it was also the third time in a couple of years that they had two of them had been in a movie together it was clear that they had not only were they in a vacuum incredibly just like cool people could play cool characters but together had some chemistry themselves and so I think you're right I think this could have easily never happened or been a disaster if they didn't have the two most charming people in Hollywood just been not as good like I think like I even think of a kid I don't remember what the hell his name is but Ted Mosby just thinking of Jason Siegel's other work I don't believe their friendship as much as I believe Jason Siegel and Paul Rudd because Paul Rudd is so affable and such a good foil to Jason Siegel's kind of coolness effortless completely but like the shlubby kind I think that's the other thing that is important about it they didn't get like it easily could have become crazy stupid love or whatever where like Ryan Gosling is the other one and he's like he's so freakin cool and he drives a sports car and he's awesome he's like oh you're teaching me a man Steve Carell yeah this is a lot more of like I think Paul Rudd's character seems to pair with him because like they're kind of the same level in a lot of ways like I think a lot of those qualities get mixed together like again you know Jason Siegel is doing fine but it seems like Paul Rudd has the better job and to your point about like the Super Ego and the id like there's not that much of a power imbalance in a way that there could have been if Jason Siegel was you know the raddest he the the main thing that he has over Paul Rudd is that he just seems like chill I guess but also Paul Rudd doesn't really need anything from him either you know like he wants a best friend for this yeah he just he just needs companionship well I think he also needed somebody to like affirm the the goofier parts of himself that he probably put away because he was like I'm an adult you know what I mean like yeah I do think I didn't even know Rush was playing like and it's like maybe at one point in his life he had those you know he was like I see every Rush concert I have to you know what I mean like he's like I don't do that anymore and so he needed a friend to be the kind of one who was like a little bit of the devil on the shoulders being like come on I don't care it's Tuesday night you gotta go see Rush yeah I definitely agree that he that Paul that Peter did need Sydney like to if the very basic distillation is like Peter was very uptight and he needed somebody to teach him at a kick back yeah and I think I think that is again what makes it so fun is having mistakes so low and having them be relatively like not caricatures like neither of them have it or whatever I I don't know why I just keep coming back to this but thinking about crazy stupid love I just think that that like alpha male dude teaching somebody how to be better with women that's the other thing is he's like not trying to get him he's already secure in his relationship which is where I think a lot of these movies will tend to go which is Oh completely have different thoughts on like dating and women and they do a little bit but not to the extent that he's like I need you as a friend because I need ultimately to get a woman if any I mean he helps their relationship but from a place of security like they're not really I don't know he's not like trying to get some unattainable woman or whatever completely and I also I like that the movie that goes out of their way to that like when he makes that speech it is embarrassing and I think as as audience members you're sort of like that's a little gross like is he really that kind of person but they really go out way in the rest of the movie for him to like apologize multiple times and be like I don't know did that I was kind of trying to be funny I don't really know like it was stupid and she's like it's fine it's fine it's fine and like I like I like that they well and they immediately established that she talks to her friends about everything so yeah you know I think it's already built in to you can see where that's going a little bit of like okay I mean and they build this up too which is like he's actually telling Jason Siegel things and he feels weird about it but and so does Rashida Jones but both of them are realizing oh right this is what I do all the time with a higher number of people ultimately and it's fine because transparency is probably a good thing 90% yeah I like I would never call the Rashida Jones character a bastion of excellent writing or anything like that like you're not gonna study her in her film class however there's nothing wrong with the way that she has written or performed which I think for a movie like this is actually a compliment because usually the female character is like just the most insane portrayal of a woman you've ever seen on screen and she is like deeply normal I think the things that she gets mad about are extremely justified and I also think the the reasons why she chooses to forgive when she chooses to forgive are also very believable it's not one of those things where it's like I just can't stay mad at you like well I think he has logic she sees the logic and goes well okay yeah that that does make sense I don't love it but it makes sense to me so thank you for explaining it to me in that way which feels like a real actual relationship I think discussion also do a good job of being like well she's not really a part of the movie but not because she's not a fully-fleshed character but because she already has this element kind of figured out like she already has her own friends and her own business and she's kind of doesn't need Paul Rudd really and I think that's sort of where they're trying to get to which is strong romantic relationships also need to have underlying strong separate friend relationships because you know that's the whole thing that they they postulate early on which is he's gonna be weird if he doesn't have friends and even the Jamie Presley and John Favreau they yell all the time but they're pretty he's pretty much like it's it's men's night it's poker night and you need to get the hell out of the house and and she's like I get it and that's fine and that's something that I respect to some degree and I I think they do a good job of saying we're not talking about her not because we don't think women matter or we just like didn't think of how to write this characters she's she's somewhere else hanging out with her own friends and that's just not what the movies about if this was a sitcom then sure we would also we would have an A and a B story and she would be learning something on the side but I don't know I just I just think it's delightful film I really enjoy it yeah me too I had like I had a great time and then when I realized it was almost over I was like oh that's almost over which is like you know when you suddenly have that thought that the movie you're liking is gonna be over soon like I feel like that's a special I feel like if you want more of this movie you should go watch what's the one where Paul Rudd and Stiffler are really into this role models yeah more fun band for them to be I do I like rush was the perfect choice do you know what I mean yeah there it's such a it's such an old people band that's what's kind of weird about it is it's not like I was surprised well this this script had existed it was bought 11 years before they actually started making it so that kind of makes sense 11 years pre prior to that I don't know like the late 90s yeah probably like that are cool to whoever likes them at whatever juncture it doesn't matter the time because like rush is a very specific subset of person who's interested in that kind of music and I am a really big fan of the band fish and I like go see them a lot and so like I understand that it doesn't matter if they've played a concert recently or hasn't been years or if they are old now it like just doesn't matter people who like the band fish will like the band fish forever end of story yeah I yes that definitely makes sense it's more the it depends on like when they're supposed to have grown up I feel like rush is I can't get into rush and I like a lot of similar ish music I don't know it doesn't matter I was into rush until I saw that the lead singer wasn't a chick and I was like uh-uh Jesse the feminist in that way I'm boycotting until they get one yeah I was gonna say on that oh I think forgetting Sarah Marshall is the better extension of this movie because that is also a delightful movie in my opinion yeah and seagull stabbing a pig and crying it's the best oh yeah I love that movie I would I bet savings or forgetting Sarah Marshall is we're gonna save a private Orion I love that movie oh my god say your point I'm sorry to have absolutely just jumped on you say your dumb little thing well no I think I think this movie held up surprisingly well because again if you think about the the the gender-swapped version of this it's not as problematic as a lot of as a lot of other movies because this was sort of the thesis all along is that like let's like let's think about it like male friends versus female friends what's appropriate share what's not appropriate like it was it had all that stuff in mind but forgetting Sarah Marshall I'm not sure if it did I haven't watched it in a while but I feel like a lot of the comedy from there was like borderline misogynistic you know I don't know that movie just in my brain is a little bit more bro-y than this movie in some ways I do think they sort of I think that it's because it's like about earning female love which like always will sort of border on like is this going to get dicey do you mean but like I still think the movie overall is so fucking funny and great lovely in a lovely and refreshing way so free of that like you were saying what as being the difference between like something like this and crazy stupid love and that's like he's got the relationship settled they doesn't have to prove anything there's never gonna be a moment where they argue about liking the same girl or feeling like they are entitled to her affection he's got that locked down now it's like this other part of his personal life and so like this movie I think will sort of continue to age well in that regard and yeah to that point Rush is as relevant in 2009 as it'll be in 2020 as it probably was in 1990 like there's no they're not they've never I mean they've never been it's not like if they were like oh we just love Billie Eilish and they're like oh yeah you love Billie Eilish too that's so cool I don't think that will register in the same way in 30 years yeah if they loved like AWOL Nation or something like Imagine Dragons fans like this will just like the fans will act like it is a unspecified year anytime do you know what I'm saying like like when you maybe hey honestly Jordan maybe you should come to New York in April because fish is playing Madison Square Garden we can get pizza we can go see fish as Madison Square Garden but you'll see the people in that in like who come to see it aren't like it's the year 2020 fish hasn't put out an album in a while but I'm okay with whatever it's like it's like they don't care about albums they're just they it's it's they're there for the band okay but I'm from Charlottesville which is Dave Matthew Central I'm very aware of your jam band I hate Dave Matthew's band don't even don't even come over don't even come into my house with that fish is a freaking jam don't even come into my house with that i'm not i've been charlotte's we got it charlotte's we need to cut to a technical difficulty slide we can't let people see us argue over jam bands okay but my favorite jam band oh hootie baby i'm just kidding i don't care about hootie either um yeah i'm sure fish is cool i'll come unless i'm busy um yeah we'll get whatever crap pizza you guys have and go listen to fish yeah i was gonna say i will i will say this if you try and share your culture with jordan he's just gonna talk shit about it for the next uh two to three fiscal quarters so yeah i'm hoping for a new jordan q4 i'm uh i'm very i have an elitist uh thomas jefferson's from here he had no problems and i uh you know he had no problem i aspire to be like tom had no problems he had no problems with his personal life he just glided through i love a guy i love a guy whose favorite pizza is from north carolina or whatever virginia i guess i'm trying to spill babies dr hoes humble pie look it up come down here and eat love a guy love a guy like that saying that he's a cultural elitist yeah strong cultural opinions are the best pizzas dr hoes humble pie and that i didn't i don't like blank man very much those are my two that's those two that's what i sort of filled my cultural identity around yeah i still i still want to hang out anywhere but you know it's like my fiance's family is from chicago so the first time i tried deep dish everyone was like and and i was like i mean it wasn't pizza it was alley panics and starts singing say a little prayer exactly um but i'm from i was born i was born in manhattan i'm a little subway rat i crawled out of the grate and that is where i will die and they and the pizza that i grab in my little teeth and drag onto the subway tracks will always be the best pizza end of story chicago pizza not very draggable no it's messy and the court and the cheese is on the inside squishy that in my experience it's just sibaros but a little bit dr dr hoes puts the cheese that puts the cheese on the bottom you have to turn the pizza over it's crazy no it's super good um can i say a final thought actually about before we like get back into it did anybody did either of you watch the tv show happy endings no sounds like i watched it for the first time during um the pandemic because i had time to watch it and i really wanted to see what everyone was talking about it's one of those things that was like a colt classic favorite that got canceled after three seasons maybe got shifted around in time slots and stuff that the network was clearly trying to kill it you know what i mean but it's like a really great cast of people one of whom is adam pally playing um a really bro-y gay guy and that like the part of the shtick is that he's like an absolute slob who doesn't have his life together and doesn't doesn't dress well and doesn't take any care in his like personal grooming or whatever but like he's just subsequently and happenstantly gay do you know what i mean and the show is good because it's not uh it's like having fun with like breaking the stereotype but also they don't ever try to pretend he isn't gay like him being gay is an important part of his character too it's not like uh every once in a while off screen he says he's interested in a guy but like he like is actively always pursuing romantic relationships and things like that um and it's weird that this it is sort of coinciding with this uh adam oh no andy samberg wow oh andy samberg's character is kind of the same way he's like a guy wearing like a hoodie and being like oh and also just by the way i happen to be gay uh it's weird they're like some they're uh similar takes on the character coinciding around ish the same time although i guess it isn't if it was written 11 years ago but in terms of production sure yeah this character yeah trope has been introduced around the same time it's cool that his dad is his best well he's his dad's best friend or whatever it's a very yeah yeah and hey our dukas um yeah okay yes i'm glad we have to meet him yeah uh cool anything else okay people in the comments you have 30 seconds but realize that um you're getting this behind so by the time you hear this the 30 seconds will be up and you have no time any thoughts i have i have okay go jesse kill time until people i have some trivia to kill some time all right so matt walsh when i have tags go for it oh excellent good oh yeah uh so matt walsh's character is like canonically a combination of his character from two classic ucb sketches ass pennies and power marketing he's wearing the same thing as yeah yeah so that was right okay love that um wedding band at the end a little band named okay go pretty tight didn't realize that i'm surprised they weren't like upside down going through like a washing machine or whatever all their 2009 i guess when did they try yeah they were still they were they were at the lab um okay anwar sadat's daughter sued them for saying that he looks like a dog is that true uh did he win i don't think they won they also uh she like requested the egyptian u.s embassy to officially apologize and they declined to do so wow she lost on a lot of fronts yeah really striking out she spent all her capital yeah it's cool that she watched it though or like i wonder somebody else watched it and probably told her but yeah that is pretty cool uh and then okay paul rudd and thomas lennon's kiss was nominated for best kiss at the mtv movie awards that year it was tender it was smoky it was tender that and also the kiss that paul rudd has with rifshida jones like directly after was the most uncomfortable kiss to watch since uh was that korean film we watched where they had bad sex burning yes he was all on top of her too it was a little like oh are we going into a moment leaving the moment he was very perched um yeah okay so that's my trivia it's good trivia good trivia nobody's saying they're all arguing about which pizza is the best so i think i think we lost them um oh boy well i have some tags um all right here's some there were a lot of tags so i'm only reading you some of my some of my favorites um of course we have romance we have gay brother right reference to the incredible hulk reference to neil pert is that common how many other movies i don't know i feel like that's what we got to look up to it had to be tagged uh abnormal behavior huh disagree i know punching little alienation yeah i was wondering about that but then also capitalism oh so i was right so talk about yeah talk about your uh symbolism uh a reference to subway the sandwich shop oh add this podcast credits exactly is there a reference to subway the sandwich shop in this i don't remember but it's obviously tagged they eat oh they eat like 10 foot long sub oh yeah he ordered a six foot sub all for himself yeah that's right it's called self care um hey where else were we already deal yet probably not no i think we were in peak jared love that guy well uh this was tagged with um f word which was for you jordan just to make sure nobody was swearing in your good little boy he did a really good job this time i'm proud of you thank you then we have a series of tags where i'm wondering if we're getting into like um weird fetishes or something they are as follows brushing teeth muscle beach tickling flatulence vomiting on someone and mail slaps a mail we should we should have so i'll leave that in your hands i do think this should be a recurring segment because i think we should also we should be making spin-off videos where we just track down all the mail slaps mail videos and just see if there's a theme like if it's just this one dude named larry who's been hunting down mailed slap lael mail videos and that's what i i'm that's what i like i do wonder because like when nobody is looking for this movie for the one tiny moment where paul rudd slaps the asshole co-worker like like that's not actually something that somebody is categorizing this movie for but it is for somebody and i need to know who that person is and why let's do some investigative journalism but you know how there's like that one guy who's responsible for like 70 of wikipedia um articles we got to find that guy on imdb's trivia tags we don't have him make me a page because i feel embarrassed to not have one but like but who is who is more dedicated to the craft than a person trying to track down every movie where a male slaps a male for their sexual gratification that's a man i want to meet yeah i i i really mean it i want to know i gotta get him on the pod where it happens i gotta know i gotta know his favorite instance you know yeah yeah i i would wager it's like so i was reading about john fevero's like just situation right there so 2009 was the same year that he started directing iron man i believe and he almost he almost didn't take this movie but somebody i think robert danny jr convinced him to do this movie because in his words it's like the old kung fu movies where they say to to stay humble by carrying water you know so maybe this is also john fevero staying humble by updating imdb tags just to really immerse himself in the industry that he wanted to excel at you're right he's so not busy at all he's just like he's got nothing on his plate yeah maybe his next his next live action remake will be some anime of hot boy slapping hot boys that he will make look hyper realistic uh just for himself i mean like would i not at least tune in to see what it was it's on disney plus it's like i already i'm already paying for it so like i'm not above it i gotta go by me i mean my parents for my daughter um cool so any other uh thoughts before we go into titles i didn't do titles again i'm sorry yeah you gotta get yeah i gotta get fired can somebody just fire yeah yeah we'll do it after this though i have been trying um so here here's what i got i don't know if they're great um oh corn lips wants uh more cannonball in his life we're we're thinking about it we're debating shifting more to anime i don't know we're just we're working on it we're working on cannonball oh i thought you were gonna say we're debating firing jessie huh yeah that's a separate i mean we were doesn't mean cannonball can't keep going i think it's good to have these thoughts and express them out loud see where they land oh it's uh it's manu john pops up on every video asking for more roger i'm sorry we'll bring him back soon bring back roger uh roger it makes it sound like you know where he is and and you've like locked him away and you could just bring him in at any time he is in buffalo like fine i'll go get him all right um all right titles um let's live in that time um because i like oh yeah uh he's like let's live in that time the time before i said something stupid um leftover kukuru only because i didn't know kukuru was a real thing and so i looked it up and what is kukuru um it is a defunct now um fast food chain chicken oh and um you know this is uh an older movie so it's like kukuru it's old it's defunct but we still love it if we knew what it was um i had the taste of betrayal just because i like that um slippery shrimp and a lot of kish yeah a lot of kish i think that's another one that was more or less coined here is is calling cash kish not that he came up with it but this certainly mainstreamed it yes um what do you got jesse so okay i got um i know my farts hello that was the weirdest thing like it didn't really to me it didn't make any sense even with his character i think it's one of the weirdest parts of the whole movie is him just saying like hello he just he just i like how cool he was and how he like knew everything that's one of those yeah that's one of the lines that i still quote with one of my best friends is hello and the old little flourish yeah um two more i've got and hank mardukas ah and finally late tress on the menjae yeah i had that had that written down i could think of how to spell it i'm not really sure how to seo that are you kidding me that you don't have peter and sydney's infinite playlist oh that's funny i think at this point you two have pitched more of those than i have which was my plan all along but this was actually a movie about two people bonding over their love of music oh you're right this was the time oh you're right infinite rush okay how about how about friendship at the disco okay i like it friendship at the rush show oh it's good i actually like that let's use that one all right everybody again uh you got you got 30 seconds to uh come up with your own title which nobody is doing so it's fine kuna kuna vlog says what's kukuru which i don't think they meant it this way but fine title what's kukuru oh my word hello kukuru i also like kukuru is a restaurant you guys are getting off track give me a title it could be the title is i love you man but in parentheses it says uh said like leprechaun say it say it like that i love you oh i love you man you're one of my favorite men that i love that's i love i see that you know when you say the title it must be said in that accent that was a that was a favorite running joke of mine is that they were just every single person would be like why are you saying it like that you're saying it like you're like a little leprechaun or something yeah oh i love you man i wonder how much of his like misspeaking was rift or uh it had to be i bet they just like discovered it while they were filming would be my guess unless they wrote paul rudd does jamaican irish accent here which would be pretty awesome well sure but yeah but also i mean you could imagine it comes up in like midriff midriff and then they're like hey do that one say latrice on the men jay again yeah and he says that 10 times i don't know i don't know how these things work um i don't either and nobody gave us any titles so um no we have one we have one cook making friends as an adult oh is that a title oh i just thought you were just pointing you're just like hey just just want you guys to know that's difficult um okay that guy you know nice good work uh i have a title if it wasn't in a title i'm sorry i apologize for jumping why i never watched i love you man bad why didn't you watch it romance well now you have to bad romance is fun oh that's really good boy jb that's great that's actually fresh boy that's how i referred to myself in high school every time i'd walk in a room it's what up it's your boy hey it's me hey i noticed none of you have been calling me fresh boy jd but i'd like you to one of my favorite uh and one of my few happy memories from playing with random people on xbox live is uh we were playing rainbow six siege with some 16-year-old and he was hiding in a closet and he shot somebody and he yells a pro of nothing uh it's your boy closet monster and i like that man it was great um i thought it was so funny and he thought he was so happy that two 30-year-olds my friend and i were laughing at him that he tried for the rest of the session to make us laugh again to no avail um i know it was just but you have to you have to give it to you know what i mean like it's a formative age you probably was 14 well i just want you to know you never made anybody laugh before closet monster you're still my boy yeah closet monster we still believe in you should go into a career in comedy it's easy and fun and there's no setbacks um yeah do you want to chase the attention of 30-year-olds for the rest of your life exactly come on in you want your boss to yell at you because you're not cool with the 16-year-olds because that happens to me a lot i'm trying yeah the um the nicknames that you like make up for yourself when you have to like input a nickname like when you're bowling that is like the nickname that will stay with you for the rest of your life do you know what i mean like that is where the formative ones are made the one that stuck with me the longest was decap because i um did i tell you this because i i was so bad at football like i ripped off a guy's helmet instead of tackling him jesus in the cross on rage issues not that long well it's just because he was slippery and i wasn't tackling them right and then later i ran into a guy who was much taller than me and his helmet popped off because the top of my head just hit it right and so dude you're trying to decapitate people you yeah you're leading with your helmet that is patently illegal this is really a loop for rigno of you dude whatever i only played football for one year and then uh the coach said please stop decapitating my players which helped me understand my standing is not a player not one of his players i was on the scout team and um you're a fucking mole and uh then in in class the next day like three the like in health class which is the only time i had a class with another football player they're like oh it's decap like decapitate and then i don't i like it that's good that's my xbox gamertag but good luck on the rest of it it's decap and you'll never know the rest 69 69 or 20 69 gotta imagine yeah 69 420 and then the word fuck just for good measure uh jesse any any uh any uh lingering nicknames what for that of myself or for you guys because i have secret names i call you guys in my head yeah mommy and daddy right yeah where's my children no i don't think i'm disappointed yeah i don't think i've ever really had a nickname maybe i haven't i can't remember off oh that made me sad we gotta give jesse a nickname okay let's do that as an auction bid if somebody pays somebody can pay the most amount of money to give you a nickname that will stick and we will always call you that decap i did make i am responsible for making a nickname a purposely terrible nickname stick with somebody for their whole life uh early in college my friend my buddy dave called somebody wiener toots and um and i did that thing where you echo it more loudly and then i kept calling him that for the rest of the day and that he's still known as wiener toots and his roommate from that year is known as butt poops wow and that's for life yeah that's for life watched jackass forever per jesse's constant suggestion that we watch it and uh one of the new guys is named poopies and so i feel like you probably know him based on what it sounds like oh yeah are you from poopies i'm friends with poopies i don't know if it's the same um i didn't see jackass for everybody finally saw licorice pizza it took me a long time i got a private screening at the new alamo draft house in finite alamo that's why i saw jackass forever is very classy it was truly the we were it was me and my friend nick and we were the only people there and the person who welcomed us went welcome to your private screening of licorice pizza wow it was very fun i know um did you have any nicknames alie my i made this joke earlier but it is true my nickname is rat boy like when i like am logging into like a quiplash game or anything like i'm always these rat boy i have a necklace that says rat boy rat boy oh well it truly checks out to me but in it i'm just kidding no it makes it the gen i wish i wish i could i mean alie play alie you are correct yeah as as an actor alie is uh is a whiz at playing little scamps like little dudes little scamps yeah and then little wear little weird little dudes and um and those scrappy little rat things it came out of a an improv practice unfortunately where we were pretending to be i don't remember what it was but we were trying to give everybody nicknames really quickly and so rat boy was the thing that came out then i was like i identify with that so deeply i will never not say it again that's the other one that i like that is less fun but it has stuck with me for a while is that once i was getting um dinner with i keep talking about improv i'm so sorry i was getting dinner with my team before a show and i was not hungry but i got a coke float and so i when i was talking to the like very old greek older waiter i uh was like hey um do you have this is gonna sound crazy do you have like coca-cola floats and he was like like uh like the the soda and you put an ice cream on top and i was like yeah like is that a thing you do and he was like of course so i was like great and then when he brought everybody's stuff to the table he'd be like uh cheeseburger da da da and he would like name all the things but instead of saying like and a coke float he looked at me dead in the eyes and went great girl and he put the thing down in front of me so great girl stuck for a while too great girl rat boy that's nice um great girl rat boys is the infinite playlist and they're infinite playlists great well i think we ended probably 15 minutes ago but we should probably officially end it um yeah we're gonna go ahead and say that uh we do have this in audio version if you care but we starting march 21st we're gonna live stream every monday at the same time because that's what streamers do according to the internet and again we're trying to be cool for 16 year olds to 16 year olds yeah specifically um who love talking about freaking romances man from 2009 um but yeah so we're gonna do that so i don't know get you get your towels ready it's about to go down get your towels ready for what just for what that's from the i'm on a boat lonely island song it's just it's not specific to this it's just a thing that he says with the right energy that's all i wanted um i don't know listen to the song it's a great song well i'm glad it wasn't i'm just glad it wasn't sexual i guess it was no it's not it's about being wet because you're on a boat sexual god you guys don't understand um okay so we're gonna we're gonna go jesse where can we find you all right you can find me uh on cracked youtube channel uh look up some more cannonball since that seems to be far and away the most popular yeah nobody's asked for any other people or any other personalities on here mm-hmm that's a stretch to call me a personality but did you say where we can find you that's literally you just want cannonball yeah cannonball go check it out i mean ally uh check it out check me out on cannonball sorry let's say uh i had your name sounds similar to me i actually can't tell you guys between the two you look very similar that's true um i get confused for just a lot um you can find me on twitter at miss alice nutting m-s-a-l-i-c-e-n-u-t-t-i-n-g that's where you can find me uh and you can find me at the underscore j underscore breeding on the twitter's and i don't do anything else i downloaded the facebook app because i have to post reels now so if you're on facebook watch our reels because we're going to get a bonus and then after march 18th you don't have to worry about it um and then also uh we're going live as i said subscribe to us on youtube apple podcast spotify or wherever you get your podcasts and remember that we also exist as a newsletter which is going to change and get cooler so go to crack.com movie club and sign up and otherwise yeah that's it we also exist see you when we stream again as a group chat you guys should join our group chat i do have it we do have a secret discord somebody asked you guys aren't even in my secret um i i'm experimenting with it how do i do that i'll send you the link there's like three people from college in there because i just i don't know how to use it yet and i'm scared to make it public oh i don't know how to use it either but we can learn together if you find our our secret discord you can join it i don't care all right that's it bye bye adios goodbye the intro again more loudly and then i kept calling him that for the rest of the day and that he's still known as wiener toots and his roommate from that year is known as um butt poops wow and that's for life uh yeah i just watched um jackass forever per jesse's constant suggestion that we watch it and uh one of the new guys is named poopy's and so i feel like you probably know him based on what it sounds like oh yeah are you from poopy's i'm friends with up poopy's i don't know if it's the same um i didn't see jackass for everybody finally saw licorice pizza it took me a long time i got a private screening at the new alamo draft house in finite that's why i saw jackass forever is very classy it was truly the we were it was me and my friend nick and we were the only people there and the person who welcomed us went welcome to your private screening of licorice pizza wow it was very fun i know um did you have any nicknames alie my i made this joke earlier but it is true my nickname is rat boy like when i like am logging into like a quiplash game or anything like i'm always these rat boy i have a necklace that says rat boy rat boy oh well it truly checks out to me but i didn't i'm just kidding no it makes it the gen i wish i wish i could i mean alie play alie jordan you are correct yeah as as an actor alie is uh is a whiz at playing little scamps like little dudes little scamps yeah and then little weird little weird little dudes and um and those scrappy little rat things it came out of a an improv practice unfortunately where we were pretending to be i don't remember what it was but we were trying to get everybody nicknamed really quickly and so rat boy was the thing that came out then i was like i identify with that so deeply i will never not say it again that's the other one that i like that is less fun but it has stuck with me for a while is that once i was getting um dinner with i keep chocolate improv i'm so sorry i was getting dinner with my team before a show and i was not hungry but i got a coke float and so i when i was talking to the like very old greek older waiter i uh was like hey um do you have this is gonna sound crazy do you have coca-cola floats and he was like like uh like the the soda and you put an ice cream on top and i was like yeah like is that a thing you do and he was like of course so i was like great and then when he brought everybody's stuff to the table he'd be like uh cheeseburger da da da and he would like name all the things but instead of saying like and a coke float he looked at me dead in the eyes and went great girl and he put the thing down in front of me so so great girl stuck for a while too great girl rat boy that's nice um great girl wrap ways is the infinite playlist and their infinite playlists great well i think we ended probably 15 minutes ago but we should probably officially end it um yeah we're gonna go ahead and say that uh we do have this in audio version if you care but we starting march 21st we're gonna live stream every monday at the same time because that's what streamers do according to the internet and again we're trying to be cool for 16 year olds 16 year olds yeah specifically um who love talking about frickin romances man from 2009 um but yeah so we're gonna do that so i don't know get your get your towels ready it's about to go down get your towels ready for what just for what that's from the i'm on a boat lonely island song it's just it's not specific to this it's just a thing that he says with the right energy that's all i wanted um i don't know listen to the song it's a great song well i'm glad it wasn't i'm just glad it wasn't sexual i guess it was no it's not it's about sexual because you're on a boat sexual god you guys don't understand um okay so we're gonna we're gonna go jesse where can we find you all right you can find me uh on cracked youtube channel uh look up some more cannonball since that seems to be far and away the most popular yeah nobody's asked for a series of people or any other personalities on here mm-hmm that's a stretch to call me a personality but did you say where we can find you that's literally you just want cannonball yeah cannonball go check it out i mean alie uh check it out check me out on cannonball sorry let's say uh i had your name sounds similar to me i actually can't tell you guys between the two you look very similar that's true um i get confused for jesse a lot um you can find me on twitter at miss alice nutting m-s-a-l-i-c-e-n-u-t-t-i-n-g that's where you can find me and you can find me at the underscore j underscore breeding on the twitter's and i don't do anything else i downloaded the facebook app because i have to post reels now so if you're on facebook watch our reels because we're going to get a bonus and then after march 18th you don't have to worry about it um and then also uh we're going live as i said subscribe to us on youtube apple podcast spotify or wherever you get your podcasts and remember that we also exist as a newsletter which is going to change you get cooler so go to crack.com movie club and sign up and otherwise yeah that's it we also exist see you when we stream again as a group chat you guys should join our group chat i do have we do have a secret discord somebody asked you guys aren't even in my secret discord um i i'm experimenting with it how do i do that i'll send you the link there's like three people from college in there because i just i don't know how to use it yet and i'm scared to make it public oh i don't know how to use it either but we can learn together if you find our our secret discord you can join it i don't care all right that's it bye bye adios goodbye the intro again |
TheOnion | CEO_Worked_Way_Up_From_Son_Of_CEO | For over eight years, Gary Lightman has been the chief executive officer and guiding force behind tech company Media Merge Incorporated. Lightman spoke to reporters this week about working his way up from his humble beginnings as a son of the previous CEO. If you would have told me ten years ago that I would someday be the CEO of my dad's company, I would have said, absolutely not. I mean, it feels like just yesterday that I started off as a senior executive at this company and now I'm in charge of the place. Lightman told reporters that he credits his continued success in business to a number of crucial moments in his career, including getting hired by his father, his father's retirement, and a few lucky breaks in between. I'm not going to lie to you, it was a lot of work. I mean, from the time I led my first board meeting two weeks after I was hired to the full year it took for me to make the jump from executive vice president to president, I was here for nearly eight hours every day. Someone clearly saw my efforts and took notice. You know, a lot of young people ask for my advice, and I always say the same thing. Work hard, and it will lead to bigger and better things. That's what I tell my kids. For more on this story, check this week's Onion Review. |
dropout | mr_vicarious_street_pranks | Hey, I'm Paul Scheer. Hi, I'm Nick Kroll. And this is Mr. Vicarious.
We're in the Sobey Lizards Lounge in Austin, Texas at South by Southwest, doing what Nick and I do best. Re-skinning ourselves. We love to re-skin ourselves.
Right. Yay. We've always wanted to live vicariously through people. They all have earpieces in. We're on a walkie-talkie. We're telling them what to say and do so we can live vicariously through them. Lieutenant Corporal Dan Cheek. Alex.
Where you from, Boston? No, you're in the UK.
That's not the posture of a soldier. Show me your military posture.
I'll show you how to do it. Get up. Can't wait. You got to stick up your ****, lighten those cheeks up. Get those hands down. Chest up. Be proud. Be hard. Be American. Come on now. But I'm not American.
You don't like Tony Blair? No, I don't like Tony Blair.
What about Blair from Facts of Life?
You know that, Shepard? I don't know. Oh, it's good. You take the bag, you take the boat, and there you have it. Facts of Life. No, never say it. The Facts of Life. There's the time. You got it. Show them, bro. Any relationship? Yep.
There he is right there. There he is. We got him right here.
Off camera. So, is it serious? Yeah, yeah.
How many sit-ups can you do?
Let's do a plank call. Me and you right now. If I win, I get a date with you. Alright. I want you in my eyes.
Hey man, those birthmarks all over your skin are crazy. Those birthmarks all over your skin are crazy.
Inch closer to it. I'm right here.
Start howling at them. Howling at them.
Me? I thought my **** was good and nice and fit. I could put a quarter between that ****. I'm sweating. Hey, hey, another foot up. I'm playing around.
I hope you take an ambient tonight because I'm going to be in your dreams. Take an ambient tonight. I'm going to be in your dreams.
Alright, start the interview. Good work. That was kind of Zoolander. Sam, you ready on that camera?
Tell her she looks like your ex-wife. You look like my ex-wife.
Wow. That's crazy. Not as crazy as she was. Out of hand.
Make her bow back at you. Feet together. Look at me in the eyes. One day.
Look, jewels in the ocean don't stay down there too long, alright? Jewels in the ocean don't stay down there too long.
Yeah? Yeah. What does that mean to you?
I want to make sure that your pearls stay polished. And I want to make sure that your pearls stay polished. Nice.
So what are you doing later? What are you doing later? What are you doing? |
SaturdayNightLive | at_t_operators_saturday_night_live | We are just calling on our various customers to see if you might be interested in saving up to 40% on your long-distance service. Sir, yes, you can't wait until the holiday season, but I'd not recommend it. Okay, well thank you very much for using At&t. No, sir, I'm still holding. No, Mci doesn't offer as wide a service as we do. Well, thank you very much for using At&t.
I haven't gotten one all day. I tell you, Janice, I have been on this headset for three whole hours, and all I got was this one referral to this man in Wisconsin, and he's not even home.
Well, Kelly, I know what: You've been on vacation for the past three weeks. it just takes time to get back in the swing of things. I know it. I just still feel like I'm on vacation.
Oh, I got a call! Hi, this is Kelly with At&t. Kelly? Janice? Hi, it's me.
I can't believe you just did that! I just wanted to put you in a good mood. but it's the craziest thing you ever did do.
Well, you've got to keep your sense of humor when you work around here. can I get you another cup of coffee? I don't want any more coffee. I can go for another cheese danish, though. well, I think we're all about, But let me go check with Karen in the back. maybe she has some left. hey, hey, hey, get me a toothpick while you're at it. If that cheese stuck on my teeth once, it's going to stick again. I know where you're coming from. can I get A cup of cheese danish and a toothpick?
I don't know why you have to yell! Well, you have to yell if you want to get anything done around here. you got that right, Killer.
Hi, this is Kelly with At&t. this is a direct line, sir. the only reason to use this line is for direct line services. Okay, well, thank you very much for using At&t.
Kelly, I've been looking at my computer here. I haven't had an international referral in over three weeks. Well, I got two right here on my list. I got one for Tokyo and I got one for South Korea.
I can't believe it. Well, Janie down in Section 14 once got a call from Greece the other day. I just about fell out on the floor. I tell you, Janis, I am so excited. I think I'm going to pee my pants and I'm not going to make it to the bathroom on time. This is Janis, At&t.
I'm going to go check out my cheese danish. Okay, you did it. Yes, you're eligible to save up to 40% on this. I have to keep yelling every time I want a cheese danish. Topic.: What the hell is going on? I'm out there for God's sake. would you stop yelling? I'm trying to help somebody with their long-distance service. Why don't you get yourself another cup of coffee? Sir, that's 40% out here. coffee? I want a cheese Danish, Cheese Danish. Well, you're just going to have to be patient. No, sir, I'm not talking to you. Oh, well, there you go. I just lost the best chance I had all day because you're yelling cheese Danish, Cheese Danish.
I'm going to make one of my international calls. I'm going to call Tokyo. Ahogizamos, this is Kelly, your friend from overseas. how are you today, sir?
I'm going to go check on the cheese danishes and the cheesecakes. shut the hell up! No, sir, nothing to you. Why would I be mad at you? Where the hell is a damn cheese danish in a cheese danish?
I'll be your hide-and-yoush on top. No, thank you for having me. I'm so hungry, I'm going to blow up! Well, thank you very much. Well, I can't help it. you don't understand. if my blood sugar drops, I turn it to the devil. you just keep telling me to wipe yourself out. I just feel like a little devil.
Are you the girls that wanted the cheese danishes? Well, it's about time. Well, I'm sorry, but you don't understand. I have to serve cheese danishes to this entire office. And if I'm late, people just started going, where the hell are my cheese danishes? People don't understand. they don't understand. there's a lot of people here.
And I'm just one damn woman. she's got the most irritating voice. I know where you're coming from.
Hi, this is Janice from At&t. At&t, how are you? |
dropout | The_CollegeHumor_Cast_and_Also_Kyle_Catches_Up | Hey guys, thanks for hopping on this call. It looks like some of you left some personal items in the office. I just wanted to go through them.
Is this everyone? Who do we have here? I think this is everyone who's coming. We got me, Lily, Raph, Katie.
Oh, and Kyle will be joining us, but just to watch. I'm sorry, who is Kyle? Oh, I don't know. So what's he doing on the call? Oh, don't worry about it, he's just watching. What is Kyle's connection to the group? I can answer that. He doesn't have one. Then why is he here? To watch. Yeah, I've got that. But why is he watching? Does it matter? I mean, if he's not participating and he's not talking at all, then it's basically like he's not even here. But he is here. Don't pick on him.
In this climate. In this climate, Sam? In this climate.
With the general, I think it's a little weird. Doesn't this not weird anybody out? Absolutely not. It does not even, even for a second.
We could have already been done with this call if you weren't such a big deal about this. Sam, I gotta go look for a job. He's just some, Kyle, I'm sorry to call you this, he's just some random guy on the call. Sam, if we had this meeting at a cafe, we'd be surrounded by random guys. That one random guy is actually an improvement.
But where did he come from? We don't know. So why is he here? To watch, Sam.
He doesn't even work for CollegeHumor. None of us work for CollegeHumor. We don't.
Oh my God, is that what happened to me on this call? Do you not remember? I'm gonna have to go, okay? I really don't think I'm the one being unreasonable here. Okay, Kyle, why don't you go ahead and turn your camera off, I guess. It's making Sam uncomfortable. Sorry about that. Great, all right, there you go.
Now you can't see him. But he can still see us. Well, yeah, Sam, it would be pretty hard to watch if you can't see.
This is actually worse. Actually, it's the same in terms of Kyle's effect on the call, Sam. Ooh, one point for Lily, because that's correct.
Uh-uh, because now I have no idea what he's doing. Well, Sam, I don't think Kyle should be narrating all the stuff he's doing because he's just supposed to be watching, all right? He's not supposed to be doing anything. All right, well, Kyle, why don't you turn your camera back on then? Sorry about that, I don't know what Sam's doing today.
Kyle, it is Kyle, right? Don't take this the wrong way, but I really need you to leave, okay? Would you leave? Rude. It's rude, this is rude, Sam. No, Kyle, Kyle, Kyle, look how sad he is. No, Kyle, I meant leave the call, not leave our computer. Yeah, no, I think you should have to look at what you did. Sam, can we hold this conversation until Kyle- Not the frame, Kyle! Not the frame! Sam, can we hold this conversation until Kyle gets back? No, Lily, he's not supposed to be here.
There he is. Hey, Kyle's back. Kyle, to catch you up, we were just talking about why you are here. Wait, why is Kyle here? I don't know. He's here to watch.
It's disruptive to the call. It's disruptive to silently watch? Yes! Oh, damn, I am so sorry. I've been silently watching too. I did not mean to be disruptive. No, Raph, it's fine when you do it.
Hmm. Interesting. Okay, whatever, I don't care. Kyle, whoever you are, happy to have you, mysterious Kyle. Anyway, someone left a pair of swim trunks at the office. Oh, those are mine.
Kyle, you weren't supposed to say anything. Oh, Kyle! Oh, no, Kyle. Kyle, come on, buddy.
He knew the rules. You're being a Sam. Frankly, you calling me a Sam, you're being a real Sam right now. There, I said it.
Hey, gang, Brennan here. If you dig CollegeHumor and wanna support what we do, sign up for Dropout. For the cost of a very big dumpling per month, you'll get videos like this a whole week sooner. Chat with us live in the Dropout Discord and exclusive content such as Dimension 20. There are no stupid questions. Are you my freaking dad? So sign up for your free trial today.
Or don't. Do what you think is right. I'm not trying to tell you how to live your life. I don't even know you. That would be crazy. It was wrong of me to tell you what to do. I'm sorry, and that's on me. I'm ruining the CTA? |
cracked | 3_times_sesame_street_was_too_spicy_for_tv_canonball | Cancel culture spares no one. Not even beloved children's media. Walt Disney's been dead for half a century, and people are still dredging up all that racist stuff in the back of the Disney vault. Silly. Ba dee dee da. Roald Dahl wrote Matilda and Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, but one little lifetime of anti-Semitism, and he's suddenly on everyone's shit list.
Oh, hello. I've been expecting you.
But what about Sesame Street? I better go back. We'll never be able to do that. Surely this bastion of social and emotional enrichment never crossed the line, right? Think again, bucko. Today we're talking about three times Sesame Street got canceled.
This is Cannonball. The state of Mississippi banned an entire month's worth of programming. The year was 1969. The Civil Rights Act of 1964 was still fresh on everyone's minds, and Lyndon Johnson's Great Society agenda was starting to take root. At this crucial cultural juncture, the state of Mississippi decided their number one priority was to kill Big Bird. With candy canes and cells. The newly minted Mississippi Authority for Educational Television was a five-person panel that would determine which educational programs the state would air, and their first order of business was to keep this new, wildly popular puppet show off the airwaves.
Now, what could they have possibly objected to? Well, for starters, the panel was appointed by the state's pro-segregation governor, so it's not surprising that three of the five voted against the show for vague, budgetary reasons. But the other two members were pissed, and they leaked the real reason. The three claimed that people were, quote, not yet ready for a highly integrated cast of children, meaning they were attempting to revive the dead corpse of segregation, like a racist Frankenstein's monster. Aside from these three nut jobs, public opinion was overwhelmingly in favor of the show. The cast traveled to Jackson, Mississippi to help drum up some publicity.
In response, the local police showed up in riot gear to a live performance of Sesame Street. This absolute insanity caused a nationwide outpouring of support for the show, and the panel reversed course at their very next meeting the following month. But seven years later, Sesame Street would find itself on the wrong end of public outreach. 1976, The Wicked Witch 9-11 Sesame Street. The Sesame Workshop employs a gaggle of mental health and childcare professionals to ensure that Sesame Street remains a safe, trauma-free community. So it's hard to understand how this one slipped through the cracks. In one 1976 episode, they let the Wicked Witch of the West wreak absolute havoc all over the neighborhood. That's like if Jigsaw popped up in Blue's Clues or Osama bin Laden fought the PAW Patrol. PAW Patrol is on a roll, motherfucker.
The episode starts out with the Wicked Witch falling off of her broom and tumbling from the sky next to Hooper's store. Look at that, something's falling right out of the sky.
David palms her broomstick out of the air and bafflingly refuses to give it back to her until she asks super duper nicely. Well, she won't get this broom back until she shows me a little respect and dignity.
Such an over-the-top character is actually a pretty good fit for the show, in theory. Oh, curses, curses! But in practice, she spends the hour causing chaos and bending the rules of reality. She teleports around the neighborhood at will. She makes it rain inside of Hooper's store. She even threatens to turn David into a basketball. Bones, bones, bones in a basket! And Big Bird into a feather duster.
So what did kids actually learn? Nothing is real. Everything is permitted. Trust no one, danger lurks around every corner.
The Wicked Witch finally gets her broom back. And everyone's like, thank fucking God. So glad she's leaving. Everyone except Big Bird, who lives for the drama. I'm glad she came here because it was very interesting and really exciting. Then on her way back to Oz, she tries to do wheelie and loses her broom all over again. The whole point of this saga was to teach kids to overcome their fears. Except they created a whole Groundhog Day scenario. It's the broom!
And the episode ends on David sobbing at the prospect of reliving his trauma. I can't go put it again. Sesame Street has been brought to you today by the letters I and Z. So yeah, you can see how this one wasn't exactly a slam dunk. But this emotional roller coaster isn't over yet. We can't forget about 1992. Snuffleupagus' unaired emotional trauma. Snuffleupagus has had it pretty rough over the course of the show.
For the first 14 years, his whole thing was that no one but Big Bird could even see him. Oh, Willie the hot dog man. That makes nine people who have not seen me. The dude was functionally invisible, which could have made for a pretty epic crime spree, but instead just turned him into a lumbering inferiority complex.
So when national divorce rates ticked past 40% and producers decided they needed to address it, they thought, you know who has the mental and emotional fortitude to handle a divorce? This fucking sad sack. Oh, dear. The episode Snuffy's Parents Get a Divorce never aired, but the audio and some of the footage have resurfaced. Snuffy's father dumps him and his sister at their mother's house and struggles to explain that he's not legally allowed to hang out with them anymore. I don't live here anymore, remember? He ducks out like your friend who got a little too high. I gotta go now. Oh, my kids. Sad and confused, they immediately pick a fight with their mom.
Sorry, not tonight. Well, why not? The closest she gets to patching things up is bribing them with food. Let's go inside. I'll make you cabbage and spaghetti casserole.
It's a poignant, gut-wrenching scene, and I just gotta say, it's a little weird that his mom calls him Snuffy, right? Oh, Snuffy. I mean, Snuffleupagus is his last name. He's Aloysius Snuffleupagus. His sister is Alice Snuffleupagus. His mom is Mommy Snuffleupagus, which is even weirder, her name is Mommy. His dad's name is Daddy. His grandmother's name is Granny. That all implies that Snuffleupagus is some kind of prophetic, second coming of Jesus type figure for them. For generations, they named their children based on their relationship to this one future Snuffleupagus.
And this guy has the gall to have an inferiority complex? Howdy, folks, Jesse here. Thanks for watching this episode of Cannonball. Don't forget to like and subscribe, and let me know in the comments if you think Snuffy's mom is a milf. Snilf. |
TheOnion | Online_Activists_Raise_5_Million_To_Create_New_Martin_Luther_King_Jr_Quote | I have a dream. Those were the words immortalized by the late Martin Luther King Jr. in 1963. And now, in 2020, some advocates are looking to further Dr. King's message. Hear how one group of white activists is raising millions of dollars to create a new and inspiring MLK quote.
And later, a troubling new report has found nearly 80% of car accidents happen inside the home. We've got the latest on how to keep you and your family safe while you're burning rubber in your living room.
From the Onion & Onion Public Radio, I'm Leslie Price, and this is The Topical. We might not be the most informative news podcast out there, but we're certainly the shortest, so stay with us.
Calls for racial justice have echoed through our cities and on social media in the past weeks as more protesters across the country demand change. But for white allies, like myself, it can sometimes be difficult to know how exactly we can bring about equality in these troubling times. Luckily, one online organization is doing their part to bring awareness to the cause, raising over $5 million, all in an effort to create a brand new Martin Luther King quote.
For more, I'm joined by OPR's Marcy Hammond. Hi Leslie. Marcy, this just seems like a wonderful campaign. What can you tell us about the Good Samaritans behind this project?
Well, it all started with the Facebook group White Lives for Black Lives, an activism page run by Reed Bailey, who, like so many others, says she felt hurt and confused on how to best show she was an ally. So she decided to use her social platform for good. We just wanted to do something big to show we want change, and we felt like posting the same old Martin Luther King quotes just wasn't enough. Plus, a lot of other activism pages had already posted all the really good ones, so we thought, what would Dr. King say if he were here today? And that's when we came up with the idea to ask people for money so we could find out. And raise money they did. As you mentioned, Leslie, Bailey and her organization have already eclipsed their initial $200,000 goal, crowdsourcing more than $5 million toward coming up with new and inspiring quotes to attribute to the civil rights leader. Wow, and all $5 million are going towards this, nothing else?
That's right. Just remarkable. I think we can all use a little more of King's message in these times. That's true, but even with the massive influx of cash, Bailey says the initiative wasn't Well, when we first tried to post the new quotes using the hashtag New Day for MLK, all our quotes ended up getting overshadowed by people posting old Martin Luther King quotes like injustice anywhere is a threat to justice everywhere, which is not what this was about. This movement is about what we think he would say today, not in the past. Sure.
So then we tried getting other white activists involved in crowdsourcing the quotes, but unfortunately a lot of the submissions came from people who, let's just say, weren't the right kind of white activists. So a lot of the new Dr. King quotes contained some pretty vile hate speech. Wow, sounds like these white activists really had to endure some hardships. They did, but these setbacks haven't deterred them from their mission. According to Bailey, White Lives for Black Lives has hired three full-time graphic designers to make eye-catching memes, and they've also started a partnership with a Cambridge-based AI company to create an MLK quote generator.
Here are just a few of the inspiring words it's been able to come up with. Time will come downstream together for the sisterhood of working class into the slavery night. That's an early one. It's gotten a lot better, like this one.
We are but one nation that will forever be a country united by bigotry and states. For racism is old, like the founding father. We as the Eagle Wars are founding father together.
Oh, amen, Reverend. I swear it's almost like he's in the room with me. Yeah, really touching. Well, thanks for that report, Marcy, and thank you to everyone over at White Lives for Black Lives for carrying on the message. If you'd like to make a donation toward helping white allies come up with new things for Dr. King to say, you can find more information on our website. Back in a moment.
The National Rifle Association. It may be one of America's most storied institutions, but it's also become a lightning rod for controversy, and that's led to some serious lackluster fundraising numbers. In fact, the NRA has experienced significant financial struggles, losing tens of millions of dollars over just the past few years. But that all might be about to change today, thanks to some new fundraising initiatives by the organization. For more, we turn to OPR's National National Rifle Association correspondent, Marcy Hammond.
Hello, Marcy. Hi, Leslie.
Well, as you mentioned, the NRA has been struggling severely for donations this year, but there seems to be a writing of the ship taking place, as the NRA today has reported a massive funding increase from donors held at gunpoint. Interesting tactic. How much money are we talking? Well, over the past quarter, the NRA says it's raised over 15 million dollars from donors who are awoken in bed with a pistol in their face, informed that a child on a playground is within an NRA sniper's range or simply grabbed by armed fundraisers on the street. I spoke to NRA outreach director Mark Morgan yesterday about the gun rights group's newfound financial success. Turns out people are really generous with their donations when you ask them with a .45 pressed against their chest. Previously, we'd always relied on emails and phone banks to source donations, but sticking guns in people's faces just adds that personal touch. You can see people really struggling with the realization that not donating could have real consequences. We're even seeing telephone donations go up once donors realize that they've got a red dot on their head. And with the NRA now projecting over 500 million dollars in year-over-year profits from holding up donors, I wanted to see the fundraising machine in action. Fortunately, Mark agreed to take me along on a fundraising drive through a neighborhood near the organization's headquarters in Fairfax, Virginia. Oh, look, there's a donor. Wow, that was fast. Hey, if you're packing heat, everyone's a potential NRA donor.
Hey, you! What? Oh, my God, you have a gun.
Give me all your fucking donations. Please, don't hurt me. Don't move or I'll fundraise your whole family. I've attended a lot of fundraisers, but never one like this. Oh, God, please, Jesus, just don't shoot me out here. Take it, take everything. Yeah, fuck you.
Wow. Oh, wow.
That guy just donated 84 dollars and 19 cents. And his iPhone and watch.
We're bringing the NRA's fundraising practices into the 21st century. Actually, while I've got you here, Marcy, do you feel like donating to the NRA? Luckily, I, too, was packing, so I was able to get out of there without having to fork over any more cash. Good work. It's like I always say, the only way to stop a bad fundraiser with a gun is to blow his brains out. Exactly. Now, Marcy, I gotta ask, with more people catching on to these fundraising tricks and their outreach director dead, how sustainable are these donation numbers for the NRA? That is certainly cause for concern within the organization, but the NRA feels confident they'll be able to continue bringing in money through new initiatives, like targeting repeat donors and knocking off gas stations.
They're also hopeful that future plans to kidnap children of Congress members so they'll pass favorable legislation will pay dividends in the long run as well. Good plan. Thanks for the report, Marcy. That's OBR's Marcy Hammond. We'll be back right after this.
It's an affliction that many people don't like to talk about, but one that more and more people are suffering from each day, especially around this time of year. In fact, it's reported that more Americans than ever before are regularly experiencing intrusive thoughts of their father naked. But how exactly can we keep the image of our father's nude and weathered body out of our psyche more effectively?
Well, today we're joined by Dr. Laura Daubert to give us some helpful advice on just that. Dr. Daubert, thank you for joining us. Thank you, Leslie. Happy to be here.
So this is a scenario I think a lot of listeners can relate to. You're at home cooking dinner or listening to a podcast while you're doing the dishes when all of a sudden, bang, you're suddenly invaded by thoughts of your father stripping nude. Completely nude. Head to toe, balls and all, and you're powerless to stop it. What should someone do when faced with such a situation? Well, first off, it's important to make sure that listeners know that even though these perverse thoughts of your father's naked body are unhealthy, you are not powerless to stop thinking about its contours and how it glistens with sweat from a hard day's work. Or maybe from making love to your mother.
That's right. When you feel titillating thoughts like this coming on, you just need to remind yourself that these are only thoughts of your father's tied ass and they exist only in your head. That's reassuring. It can feel so scary when the image of your nude father gyrating his hips creeps into your head. Sometimes it feels so real, you know? Like he's standing right in front of me slapping his penis against his thighs. But you're right. It's nothing more than a thought. Exactly.
But what if you can't avoid it? What if you're already picturing your father's gray, unkempt body hair that covers every inch of him? How do you reset, so to speak? Well, again, I can't stress enough that you should not be thinking about your father lotioning up his bare paunch. But if you find yourself doing so, it's important that you acknowledge, rather than avoid, the thoughts of your father's hairy chest and how it's just begging you to run your fingers through it. Because the more taboo you make it, the hotter it will become, and the more you'll end up thinking about it.
Yeah. So it's important to face this problem head on. Interesting. Now, to reset, I actually have a little trick for this that I want to walk you through. All right. Okay. I want you to think about your father totally naked. Are you doing it? Oh, yes. Great. Now that you have him naked in your head, try putting a g-string on him, and then maybe some pasties over his tauterec nipples, and then steadily keep adding clothes until he's completely covered up. Oh, wow, that does work. I'm glad.
In the end, though, it's essential that you know what triggers these thoughts, so you can prevent them from ever happening in the first place. For example, I find myself compelled to think about my father naked right now, but I know it's only because he's standing nude right in front of me as we speak.
I love you so much, darling. You're doing a great job. Thanks, Dad.
Oof, it's so chilly in here. But because I'm aware that seeing my father naked causes these thoughts, I know to look somewhere else, like on the other side of the room where my brother is standing naked.
Hey, Laura, pay no attention to me. Will do, Jeffrey. See?
Not thinking about my father naked. Wow, and now I'm thinking about your father and brother naked instead of my own.
You're good, Dr. Daubert. Well, thank you. Years of practice. Really helpful stuff. I want to thank Dr. Laura Daubert for coming on today.
If you or a loved one can't stop thinking about your own father bending his naked body over and using his wrinkled hands to spread his hairy little ass cheeks, you can find a list of helpful resources at our website. We'll be back in a moment. Your daddy's little ding-dong isn't the only thing going on in the world today, so listen up. Here's what else you need to know today.
Move over MAGA. The Trump campaign has announced they'll be unveiling a brand new all-coughing slogan for supporters to chant at future rallies. The president's re-election team is confident the new hack-filled rallying cry will quickly catch on among the large enthusiastic crowds, and they're hopeful that it could even spread beyond the president's supporter base. And the man looking to take down President Trump in November is feeling pretty good today, too. Joe Biden was reportedly very flattered to find out that his 1994 crime bill is suddenly receiving so much attention. Calling it, quote, one of his better pieces of work, the presidential hopeful found it incredibly gratifying to see so many people gravitating toward his Violent Crime Control and Law Enforcement Act even so many years after writing it.
And finally, some good news today, as a new report has found that everything we're going through right now is going to be a goddamn walk in the park compared to what's coming in 2027. Always good to hear. And that's the topical for today, I'm Leslie Price. As the son of a father, I want to take a moment to wish all the dads out there listening a wonderful Father's Day.
The effect you have on a child is truly unlike any other. Sorry, moms. If my father hadn't totally avoided a relationship with me growing up, he might have pushed me to be the best version of myself and to do something meaningful with my life. But thankfully, he didn't give a shit about me.
So I ended up with this cushy gig getting paid every day to read off of a piece of paper. And I couldn't be happier.
So thanks, dad. And thank you all as always for listening. Have a happy Father's Day. |
SaturdayNightLive | paula_deen_s_paper_towels_saturday_night_live | I'm Paula Deen, and you know, my favorite two ingredients to cook with are butter and oil. But some people don't want all that fat in their food, and that's why I'm introducing my new product, Paula Deen's big ol'' Soak'em paper tiles, for when you wanna get the fat out of your good ol'' southern food. they are eight ply, y'all, so they really soak up all that butter and oil. they just don't want gettin'' on your little ticker. Watch this, y'all. I'm gonna put one of my famous butter-crusted drizzler biscuits on a piece of a big ol' soak'em, and I'm just gonna let it sit there like a little frog on a log. let's wait 10 seconds. Oh, Biscuit got all the butter and oil just sucked right on out of it. now that biscuit is a lot more healthy, y'all. Also, it tastes like a little f**k. Look, y'all, just between you, me, and the chickens, I have to suggest this all draining, because health professionals are really backin' up my back bumper about my food-making little children fan.
Well, I was a fat child, and look at how I turned out. I'm on Tv, and I have a real foxy husband. he is sanilicious. I love to sit on his lap. and you should see how fat my grandbaby boy is. he is like a string of plump little sausages with a diaper on it. I just wanna bite him. he better watch it, or I'm gonna put him in the fryer and serve him up on a bed-of-bed Ol' Butter Nose. it is as hot as a devil's dangler's in this fake kitchen.
Whoo! Oh, my. Oh, mercy me. I am giving off some body butter today. y'all, please go buy some of these soak'em so people will get off my double bubble. I am gonna take a heat nap on my face in my sun porch, and I better put down a soaker. I'm gonna ruin my pillows. Love y'all. |
TheBetootaAdvocate | Betoota_Weekly_News_Bulletin_3_4_20 | You're listening to The Betooter Advocate's weekly news wrap on Desert Rock FM 96.5 Welcome back to The Betooter Advocate weekly bulletin live here from the budgie smuggler bedroom. You're joined by myself editor Clancy Overall of course editor-at-large Errol Parker how are you Errol? Good mate it's always sunny here in the diamond town always sunny. And of course our cadet journalist and news reader Wendell Hussey recording live from his seven-person share house in the French Quarter how are things going Wendell?
Yeah well thanks Clancy they're going well. The second week hasn't been anywhere near as fun as the first week but I'm doing okay. Well at least you haven't got cholera mate.
Always look on the bright side.
You doing well Clancy? Yeah good mate I'm gonna have to hit you up about your mate to get my hands on some cannabis if we continue working from home. Yeah he's doing contactless delivery so it shouldn't be an issue. Okay alright well we'll follow that up after this.
Now just a message from our partner today Sane.org before we go any further into the bulletin life is far from ideal right now and this can really impact our mental health. Yeah now that we're all stuck at home it's still so important that we stay connected to one another. If you need some support when it comes to your mental health and well-being the Sane forums are a place where you can talk online to people who get it. They know what you're going through because they've been there too. Yeah you're sure to find someone in a similar position as you to talk to. The forums are completely free and anonymous plus mental health professionals are there in the background 24-7 so you'll always feel safe and supported. So why not sign up right now and chat to others at Sane.org forward slash forums. That's S A N E dot org forward slash forums. Because physical distancing doesn't have to mean social distancing. Sane.org slash forums. We care because we've been there.
Now back to the show. What's in the news this week Wendell?
Another social distancing story is in the news first up and that's for fuck's sake Melbourne your beaches are shit anyway. Yes late last week another swathe of brainless cunts as they were called decided it was time to pretend they have some decent beaches on the weird body of water that sits up the guts of Melbourne. Yes very Melbourne to think that they are above the rest of the nation isn't it? Very Melbourne. Not too different to what we saw in Bondi the week earlier. It is almost time I think Premier Andrews tabled the idea of sending down some police to just kick sand on anyone or flicking towels at anyone who refuses to go home because the social distancing measures are now being enforced by the police because of these people. I think that old donkey ears is onto something with that idea. I think kicking sand on people from Melbourne is something that more people should be doing. Yes it is good to see Daniel Andrews stepping up now that he's finished a dick measuring contest with the Prime Minister we're seeing a bit of action on the streets of Melbourne. Same thing happening in Sydney and greater New South Wales now that the state government in that part of the world has decided to stop letting cruise ships unload into the CBD of the busiest city in Australia and of course Queensland are taking it more seriously than everyone shutting down their borders just over a week ago now. Yes speaking of contests there was a comment on that one from Grant Rennie a citizen from our Patuta Heights district who said a three-way pissing contest between Bondi, Manly and St Kilda at the moment isn't it?
Yes they all have nothing on Lake Patuta beach.
What else have we got in the news in the way of coronavirus Wendell? Next up doctors and nurses even hotter after the whole saving civilization thing. Yes doctors and nurses have been fetishized for a long time particularly on screen so I've seen but it's become even more apparent that this is a thing amongst this whole pandemic. Yes they are sexier than ever it seems. Health Minister Greg Hunt has told Australians that health care workers are people too and to stop focusing on how hot they are and start thinking about how exhausted and overworked they are and to stay home accordingly to minimize their workloads.
Moving on to some other national news now and abandoned Hobart Airport has become home to a growing thylacine colony. I knew they weren't extinct. Incredible stuff. Not long after they turned Hobart into a ghost town the first Tassie Tigers have started to appear. Previously thought extinct there'd only been a few unconfirmed sightings in recent years but according to a 45 year old stoner who works as a groundsman on the Hobart Airport he says the terminals are now full of the things and we can take his word for it because his mate Damo was there and he can guarantee it as well.
You'd imagine there's a fair few black panthers getting around now as well in places like Lithgow and Nimbin. Yes the Illawarra and Scarpman, Nimbin, Gympie I believe has a panther and Walca of course. Every second town has a panther. Quite a lovely biodiversity story there.
Moving along to some local news now and two weeks into self-isolation housemates unanimously agree to start rooting each other. This is a story that's going to end well. It's certainly a bad time to be a bachelor or bachelorette during the quarantine of Australia. Anyone who was without a partner before this whole thing are looking towards a couple months potentially even half a year maybe even more than that of just pure drought. So it's not hard to see why some housemates in Battuta's youthful flight path district have decided with all supplies that they may as well start rooting each other because they won't be leaving for a while. I think this just goes to show that there is a lack of imagination with today's young people. I mean I don't think there's anything particularly wrong with engaging in a bit of mutual masturbation from either ends of a living room. But there are a lot of comments on that story one from Matthew Holt who said a lot of Tasmanians in particular are doing this with their roommates as well.
Oh grow up Matthew. Oh grow up Matthew that is just the oldest trope in the book.
Come on Tasmania you know they're hurting right now and incest jokes are faux pas. Wrapping up with some sports news now and Sydney Roosters expected to finally fall below the salary cap with 87% pay cut to players. Also another overtone trope. Yes up there with the Tasmania inbred joke the old salary sombrero.
But it does look to be finally trimmed back to the traditional traditional salary cap now as the NRL looks to find a way through this coronavirus. If only Uncle Nick had some more brown paper bags to go around. Yes it is really weird when you think about it the game managed by rugby league types hasn't managed their money particularly well. Except for the Sydney Roosters who have always been on top of things ever since their lead sponsor Uncle Nick Politis decided to take over the reins. The only club not looking to go broke at this moment but with rugby league island now a very real possibility with the Tangalooma Resort on Morton offering to house all players and keep them safe for the coronavirus so the 2020 competition can continue. Things are looking up and perhaps the players won't have to take that 87% pay cut. And I myself am very excited for league island so I hope they can make it work.
Anyway that's it for the bulletin thanks for tuning in we'll be back again in seven days time with your weekly dose of honest hard-hitting regional news. Until then my name is Wendell Hussey. My name is Errol Parker, Chucky Olara. I'm Clancy Overall and be kind to each other stay safe, stay clean. Goodbye. |
Wizards_with_Guns | a_man_ate_a_suspicious_bug_this_is_what_happened_to_his_butt_balls_and_brain_ | Michael ate a bug, Michael ate a bug, Michael ate a bug, we watched him eat a bug. It was good, and it tasted like rice. A little bit of ketchup next time would be nice, but I'm worried, there won't be a next time. I'm feeling kind of sick, I'm forgetting how to rap. Michael ate a bug, Michael ate a bug, Michael ate a bug, it was a chubby little bug. This song's a bop, that I just can't stop, but the bug hit my blood and I think I might drop. Don't stop! It's blurry, I think we should hurry, my tummy's kinda gummy from this yummy bug slurry. Michael ate a bug, I said Michael ate a bug, Michael ate a bug, it was a neon orange bug. It was green, and covered in hair, it had seven tiny legs and a big bug stare. So I put it in my mouth and it started heading to the air. We have a patient who's fallen and poisoned this insect.
He's one-eighty over one-twenty, that's way too hot. Alright, let's get him on a monitor and start a full workout. We need to stabilize him and transfer him. Alright, let's innovate him. Alright, three, two, one. Minister activated charcoal, initiate gastric labing.
It'll be okay. Sorry boys. There's a chance he might not survive.
Really? We have to hurry before DoorDash gets here, this is gonna be super weird. Like, did you get extra white sauce? You got the white sauce, right? Wait! Did you get my crab rangoons? I'm like, no. No!
He just peed. Call it. |
dropout | the_michael_showalter_showalter_with_guest_david_cross | I'm actually doing the introduction right now. Okay. I'm Michael Showalter. And I'm David Cross.
You have a show on Comedy Central coming up, or is it already on? It's already cancelled. It's called Freak Show. I personally would know nothing about doing a show on Comedy Central that nobody watches.
I read in an interview that you did, that you once had poison ivy on your cock. I was kind of drunk and I went to explore this house and there's this field of poison ivy, which I didn't know was poison ivy. And I had literally all over my butt. Everywhere but my cock. What about in your butt? Did you get it in your butt? Probably in the crack, the top of the crack, which is...
Why don't you get that? Do you guys... The rights to won't get fooled again, is that going to be cool?
I think it's fine. Hello? Oh hey, it's my business manager. Cool. Hey man, what's up?
Alright then, I said we just forget it. I've been in an apartment in Park Slope, I got outbid. I've already gone up twice, so we're done, alright? Okay, bye.
Oh, you live in Brooklyn. Mm-hmm. Yeah, where? I live in Bournhill, near Park Slope. Yeah, not that near. Walking distance. And you sprained your ankle one day. Still gonna walk to Park Slope? Probably hop in a cab, right? Probably. Yeah, well, not really walking.
I wrote a script, and I think there's a very funny part in it for you, and I would love it if you would take a look at it.
No, no, no. No, no. No, no. I don't... That's... No. Yeah, no. I just...
There was a really good part in it, and I wrote it... Actually wrote it with you in mind, and... Oh, that's nice. I would love it if you could just take a look at it, or I could send it to your manager or agent.
No, no, no, no. No, don't do that. That would just be a waste of time.
You played a crazy scientist in something. What movie did you play a crazy scientist in? Oh... Maybe. There was some movie that you played a crazy scientist.
Why, are you too busy or something like that? No, no, are you kidding? My show got canceled. I got nothing but time. It's not about time.
Did you see any of my... You've seen, like, I've done some other stuff, Wet Hot American Summer and stuff like that, The Baxter. Yeah, yeah. I saw what he called the poster for The Baxter. I'm not interested in any more of your stuff.
Do you have any nicknames? Some of them would call me Hot Cross Buns. They think it's really funny and clever and... What about Crossword Puzzle?
They also did that.
Cross My Heart and Hope to Die. Hey, don't cross that bridge. It's not secure on that side.
That's a long nickname. Do you remember? I stayed in your house in L.A. like 10 years ago, and I played Golden Eye.
It probably didn't make an impression because you probably, to me, weren't very grateful. Grateful.
I'm sure I wasn't. I mean, I was, but I'm sure I didn't show it. No, I really was, but I... You were inside where it doesn't count.
You really have helped me by coming and being on the show and talking to us. Maybe you'll come do it again. Hey, never say never, right? Okay. Well, I might just send this by your manager anyway.
No, don't. Don't do that. Well, no, I'm just... Michael, you're just wasting your time in your postage. I'm telling you, I'm not going to have anything to do with it. But it's cool. But enjoy this. No, don't. Stop it. |
TheOnion | Keep_Your_Heart_Rate_Up_By_Staring_At_A_Bald_Man_Wearing_Goggles_Dr_Good_Ep_11 | Welcome back to the show. Coming up, Dr. Good's most beautiful creation finally lives, the perfect human. Ah, word that Dr. Good, we're here to enjoy this man-made life, this slap in the face of God itself.
It's going to be quite something. But right now, I'm going to give you some quick advice for building up your cardiovascular health. First, we will need a volunteer from the audience. What's your name? Stella.
Now, Stella, this device measures your heart rate so that we can determine your heart health. There are many ways that we can make sure to keep our heart healthy. We can eat right, work out, but the best way is to look at this disturbing bald man wearing goggles. You feel that? Your heart is speeding up already. Ah, yes, I can feel it. Studies have shown that looking at this bald man for 20 minutes a day as he lurches around and occasionally stares directly at you can raise your pulse rate by about 20 beats a minute. That keeps your heart healthy and helps you to live longer. The benefits of that kind of heart activity are obvious. Once you've mastered staring at the bald man, you can move on to staring at more disturbing things like the bald man smashing tomatoes with his hands for a deeper workout.
Oh, look at him go. I love it. Let's see what our second opinion panel thinks. I think it's great. You get to work out at home without an expensive piece of gym equipment. Oh, I like what I'm feeling right now looking at him.
I'd like to hear him make some upsetting sounds. Well, you can't control what the bald man does or doesn't do. That's part of what's so upsetting about him.
I'm not going to say looking at a bald man who seems more than a human doesn't have his health benefits, but I just worry that you need a more permanent solution. You're right. There are more permanent heart health solutions. If the bald man doesn't work, what you need is a short surgery to help your heart...
Stella, why don't you hop up there on that table? I'm going to give you that surgery right now. Can someone get him out of here? Oh, look at him. What's he doing up there? Oh, dammit. Get him down. Oh, you're making him climb higher. He's going to be up there for weeks. Don't go anywhere.
We are going to let the perfect human out of his chamber and see what he has to say, and one lucky audience member will get to attach his colostomy bag. Coming up later on the show, the perfect human lives. You are living testament to God's fallibility. To die. And your hand is excellent to me. Only on Doctor Good. |
TheOnion | Sexy_Truth_or_Sexy_Dare_Sex_House_Ep_2 | Six sexy Americans alone in a house with nothing to do but get nasty. This sex house. Welcome to Sex House.
All I'm thinking is I can't believe Aaron and Frank hooked up. Frank is 45, Aaron is a virgin. Part of me respects Frank's game for swooping in on Aaron like that, but Aaron must have major issues.
So I'm out in the common room and I noticed that we have a sex. Frank and Aaron, congratulations on your encounter last night. The sex was truly beautiful. We are excited to see more sex. Sex House.
It's important that you go to the bathroom. Really. Hey, special delivery for you two cuties. Sometimes a morning three-way is just the thing to get your engines revving. Did you have a good time? Aaron said she had a fine time, so there it is. As far as I'm concerned, the issue is closed. Hey. Way to go, you got us food.
I'm walking out into the kitchen when all of a sudden this blast of scalding hot air hits me. What happened? I honestly didn't know air could get that hot. The heater thing. Put ice on it. It was a vent? Butter. I guess the temperature in here is regulated by vents that blast extremely hot and extremely cold air at different intervals.
Me and Jay have that Kim and Kris chemistry. So when he was tending to my burns, I was like, we're totally gonna have sex. I just needed to take my mind off everything that happened.
Oh yeah. Oh no. But all the stations on TV are just porn here. Oh yeah.
I wanted to take a walk and get some food and think about why I'm here, but the door was locked and we had to give up our phones and we don't have internet access.
With your explosive first night behind you, it's time to get intimate. Nothing gets a good time started like some old fashioned truth or dare. T or D. Nice. The last time I played truth or dare, I got out for the first time. I think they'll still give the other housemates a chance to get to know the real me. I'm a nice man. Jay, you're going first. Truth or dare. I'll take truth.
Who do you want to have sex with the most? Tara seems like a sure thing at this point. So I know that if I say Tara, I'm going to get my on tonight. If Tara's pretty slutty, I'd hit it. Things are really moving fast between Jay and me. I was really happy when he said he wanted to fuck me.
Aaron, truth or dare? Truth. Describe the first time you had sex. I had sex with me last night. Frank. Huh? Truth or dare? Truth. Who's the youngest person you've had sex with? Can I do dare? Sure. Slip someone the tongue.
So at this point, I'm thinking to myself, you know, I can't French kiss Aaron. I don't know if I can handle that. Then again, if I kiss one of the other girls, I mean, she might get jealous. So, plus, you know, Derek's gay, so I figure I'm doing him a favor.
What the? Oh God! Yeah, Frank! That was definitely a low point. Okay, Alex, truth or dare? Dare, bitches. The card says, do something wild. Okay. Oh no! Oh my God!
Alex put a cigarette out on her breast, and it was like she was waiting for any excuse. What, never seen boobs before?
This is sex house, get over it. Everyone was having a great time playing truth or dare, but Derek was just sitting there sulking. Okay, Derek, you've got to do one. It's your turn. Fine, truth.
Who do you want to have sex with the least? Everyone. I don't want to hook up with anybody here. What makes you think you're such hot **** that any of us will hook up with you? Listen, you two aren't gay, and I'm not attracted to women. I don't even want to be here anymore.
You should really think about what you say. Okay, it's not a choice that I'm making to offend you, so... Then you should think before you say things like that.
Derek's a drama queen and a liar.
I know he wants to **** me. Okay, I'm ready, I'm ready. Dare. Dry hump your crush.
Yeah, **** is over. Frank, leave her alone for once.
I wasn't feeling very well, I guess. I'm just really hungover.
At this point in time, I have to admit that I regret cheating on my wife with a teenage virgin on this television show. I'm pretty pissed at Aaron for barking like that. Having sex with Frank is definitely gross, but keep it to yourself. Humping Jay made me want to bang him even more, when Aaron isn't around to spook everyone.
Okay, now that you've heated up with a wild round of truth or dare, it's time to cool down with some heavy petting in the sex house lounge. I definitely want to leave the sex house. Next time on Sex House.
All we have to eat is pumpernickel? Ah! Spire alarm shocked the hell out of me, bro. Show you how to heat things up with that sexy pole. I have your Sibian. Boom! Sibian in the house! |
cracked | that_time_toy_story_2_got_deleted_twice_cracked_fiend | Despite being large projects that rely on the work of hundreds, if not thousands, of people working in tandem, most movie productions are One Manic Breakdown, Drunken Brawl on the set, or... Let's have a look at the next bit, yeah... Nervous producer away from shutting down entirely.
Yeah, is that good? Yeah, it's pretty good, but... I kinda was hoping that you would read it ahead of time, but it's fine. I've got a script in front of me, we could try that. We're doing this professionally, yeah? Yeah, well...
Let's just talk about Toy Story. We're talking about Toy Story. OK, yes, we can talk about Toy Story!
This is new for me, people can't tell. This is new for me to actually read from a script. Especially one I didn't write. Who wrote this, by the way?
I think I did. Oh. I hope. Oh, god, you know what? This is more for my audience, I'm having a fucking beer.
Right, so what are we talking about today? Toy Story 2. Always a good place to start, the second one. Yeah, exactly.
The whole thing, like 90% of it was deleted, like two months into it. They'd already put like hundreds and hundreds of man-hours into it. And basically what happened was like... Some guy was dick around with Woody's hat, which sounds like a sex thing, but that's actually just his job. I've heard this story, but I didn't know the specific detail of Woody's hat being the catalyst for all of Toy Story 2 being deleted. It was. I'm learning something here, what happened with that? Yeah, so basically it was like... Well, so there's this guy and he's working on Woody's hat and he noticed that like Woody is getting deleted in front of him. And he was like, that seems wrong. And he clicked over to another scene that had like ham and potato head and Rex in it.
And then two seconds later, only ham was there. And then two seconds after that, nothing was there.
And he had to like call up his bosses and say like, unplug the computers, like everything's exploding. Are you telling me that during the production of Toy Story 2, just the snap happened in real time for animators and just characters start disappearing without any warning or acknowledgement? Because I've heard this story before like, oh, someone accidentally deleted it. I didn't realise that someone witnessed it happen in real time and saw these characters just fade away. Yeah, and that's what's funny is it wasn't like somebody deleted the whole file at once. It wasn't like everything just didn't work.
It was like, they're watching as their life, it's like eternal sunshine at the spotless mind or something. Like their life is crumbling around them. Or yeah, people are getting snapped out of existence.
And what's funny is, so he calls the bosses and it's like, oh my gosh, shut everything down. So they flip the switch, but it's a huge office, right? There's like hundreds of people working there.
They don't know what's going on. They're just like, oh, the computer's down. So they all went to lunch. They're just like- As they do, it's Hollywood, fuck it, you're in LA. Shit, it's going wrong, let's do lunch. Yeah, they're just like, well, I'm sure it's fine. And then they come back and they realize everybody's just freaking out because they can't figure out what's going on.
And of course- They can't hide these characters. That's very meta though.
Almost every Toy Story movie is one of the toys disappears and it's a mission to find them. And then that happened during production. Whereas the toys would disappear and nobody knew what was happening or where they'd gone. Maybe it's just like one extended homage. Like every time they make another movie, they're just remembering the dark times when Toy Story 2 was deleted. There's something so funny about the idea of just an animator to see the characters disappear.
Like, I guess my job's done because there's nothing for me to do here. Right.
So what was going on with that? I genuinely don't know what happened with this. Yeah, apparently what happened was somebody, and they don't know who, but somebody programmed a code that were like a, obviously I'm not a, I'm not a coder, I don't know anything.
But basically the command was like, delete everything under this, to this point or whatever. And it's a way to like clear out a bunch of useless files. But they put it at the top of the whole thing. So they were basically like, delete everything under here and everything was under there. So they just, it just was like going through and killing everything that Toy Story had ever been to that point.
I'm just imagining, it's like the sentinels from the Matrix, make a movie out of that. That should be a short. Oh yeah. No, for sure. There should be a short where it is the characters being deleted from the servers and trying to hide digital versions of themselves. Like Wreck-It Ralph or something. I'd watch that.
And isn't it that there was a lady who had just taken the entirety of the movie home to work on a personal computer? Exactly. And what's funny is that, so she had gotten pregnant and so she was at home with her kids. So she was just working offsite. But what's funny is that, I apparently took them like three weeks and she was back at work before she remembered, oh, I have the whole movie at home. Like, she had forgotten. What computer was that lady working on where she had the entirety of Toy Story to a movie? And as you said, that took hundreds of computers working in tandem to create it. She just had it on her home setup. Yeah, so apparently, so it's funny because this was happening in 1998, right? So the entirety of the movie was like four gigs or something. She only had like 250 megabytes at home or whatever. And they ended up actually getting to restore a lot of the movie without her. So maybe that's why she didn't do it right away.
But the problem was that Woody was no longer able to hold his hat.
Like, it just like, this is something about that image, what does that pro come in, a computer thing, people are like, I can't, I want that knowledge. Like they had the movie back, but there was all these little weird glitches that they couldn't figure out. And so it was essentially at the point where they're like, technically we have it, but 10% of the movie is missing or something, but we don't know what 10%. And so it's like functionally not usable, like you would have to start over. And this is when the woman in the meeting was like, oh, right, I have the whole movie.
It's at home. Yeah, it's got it. Oh, USB stick, let's go. I mean, apparently it was like a big computer still. Like it was like a whole, you know, it took up like her whole trunk, basically. I hope that when they went to her house and just got Toy Story 2, it's like that moment in Ages of S.H.I.E.L.D. Where there's just someone sat outside, it's like, you need to be ready for a large file transfer, how large, and then just a fucking tower flies out the window.
Right. Just chuck it straight out, we'll figure it out. Yeah, apparently when they brought it to Pixar, they were met by like eight people and they carried it in this big sheet and they say, and it looked like they were bringing in Pharaoh because it was like a hundred, I mean, it wasn't actually, but it was like essentially worth a hundred million dollars because of how much the movie made. Yes. And they were like, this is our whole livelihood. Just bringing it in on a fucking stretcher. Yeah. Oh, the $6 million man. Just dragging it in.
We can, don't worry, we can rebuild and we can make it better. This wasn't the first time it happened to them.
Apparently when they were making a Bugs life, all the ants got deleted one day. The only thing you need to do in the movie is make ants.
That's like, did you ever hear about Lord of the Rings? Like this happened with Lord of the Rings where they had like virtual armies for the CGI battle scenes that were programmed to do like very specific things.
And they were looking at like early renders of battle scenes and they noticed that entire swathes of some armies were just running away. And it turns out they programmed them to run in a straight line to lay and count another enemy. But the past didn't cross. So it looked like in some early battle scenes, just massive parts of the army just fucked off. And just pulled us out immediately and quit. Wait a minute, that's so interesting to me. That makes it almost sound like it's AI, but it's not, right? I mean, it's just, they just weren't in tandem or something? Yeah, it's often framed by lesser fact websites. It's like, oh no, the AI ran away. So no, they were programmed to run in a straight line and then just virtually combat whatever they encountered, but their pathing didn't intersect. So when they like rendered the battle scenes initially, you just had like vast slays of the orc and army immediately turn tail and run. So it just looked like they were just running away.
And I kind of wish they'd left that in. Speaking of Pixar and Toy Story, have you heard what they had to do to like make spider webs, I think, in that movie when they were in the antique shop? No, I mean, no, I didn't hear this.
Well, spider webs, like you'd think, oh, you just make a spider web, like 3D model a spider and put it in books. Like, no, then they all look the same. And they couldn't develop an algorithm that would make convincing looking spider webs. So instead they made AI spiders and made them make spider webs instead. Holy shit. They just programmed AI spiders to make virtual webs and then put the webs that they made in the areas.
It's like, what? How is that easier? When you're just getting an intern to make a 3D fucking web. That is nuts. That's so fricking cool, though. Pixar don't give a fuck.
It's like they brought in an expert on heavy animal locomotion, like elephants and pachyderms and that sort of thing, to inform the movements of Sully because they wanted his movements to look realistic for a creature off his side. So they brought in an expert and told him to give our animation department a speech and there's something similar for like Finding Nemo, that they brought in marine biologists to teach them how certain fish would react. And that's developed a new fluid technology realization with the X. What? Who does this?
It's like in Coco too, the kid's hands, he's exactly correctly playing the guitar. It's like a metallocalypse, I think it is, that show where all of the music scenes are, I think the guy who helped make it, or one of the people who made it, it was like a nut for that sort of thing. So all of the chords and notes played are perfectly represented in what the music is that you're listening to, because he insisted on that.
It's like, why? But at the same time, yes, to do more of that. I love this shit.
The best one now is for the movie Shark Tale. This one fucking blew my mind when I was like, in that movie, there was an underwater whale wash where they wash whales and the art department spent so long making the schematics for this whale wash. They said, this could be built in real life and we could actually use it to wash whales. If we wanted to, we could build this with the specifications we made for the 3D model and you could use it to wash whales. I don't know why you would, but we could.
See, that's the thing that Pixar should be doing, is they should be selling their spider AI to Sony or whoever's making the new Spider-Man game, or Interstellar apparently made a lot of, not a lot, but some of its money back, because the whole thing is that the only thing that exists on the planet anymore is corn. It grew like a shit ton of corn, but then when the movie was over, they sold all the corn. Oh my god, they just sold the corn?
There's one more thing that's important about Toy Story 2. Yes. They finished the movie on time. Yes.
Then they deleted it all anyway because it was garbage and they started over. No. Yeah, John Lasseter came in and was like, actually, this sucks, like this movie is garbage. And so they still had to basically scrap the whole movie.
That's incredible. I'm in pain for this. This is my job. I'm so happy. People watching this on crack have got no fucking clue who I am, but my audience from my channel are like, wow, Carl's having a great day.
He's having a beer. He's talking about movies. He's having a great day. |
SaturdayNightLive | travis_kelce_gets_coached_by_heidi_gardner_for_snl | Hi, I'm Travis Kelcey and I will be hosting Snl this week with musical guest Kelsey Ballerini. Kelsey, you should change your last name to Travis. So we'd have Travis Kelcey and Kelsey Travis. Or maybe he should change his first name to Ballerini.
I don't know. I've always wanted to be a ballerina. seriously? good form.
Hi, I'm Travis Kelcey and I will be hosting Snl this week with musical guest Kelsey Ballerini. So, you ready for Snl, Travis? Well, football isn't that different from Snl. we're working under a lot of pressure, you know.
Oh, yeah. I mean, I guess that's true. there's a musical guest. we're reading off cue cards. what? And it airs at 11 30 and I'm in a bunch of wigs and Chloe Feynman is always there. Travis, I don't know if that's right. Okay, I get hit in the head for a living so I'll take that as fair game.
Hi, I'm Travis Kelcey and I will be hosting Snl this week with musical guest Kelsey Ballerini. Again, you can do better than that, Kelsey. Yes, Coach. I'm Travis Kelcey and I will be hosting Saturday Night Live this week. Again, like you mean it, Travis. I'm Travis Kelcey and I will be hosting again. I'm Travis Again. I'm Travis. harder, Kelsey. Everything you've got. Hi, I'm Travis Kelcey and I'll be hosting Saturday Night Live this week with musical guest Kelsey Ballerini. Snailed it. |
Wizards_with_Guns | this_dj_remixes_court_testimonies_and_needs_to_be_stopped | The court calls the defendant Daniel Manchez to the stand for examination by the prosecution. Your Honor, I'm honored. Now, Mr. Manchez, you're on trial for the death of Cindy Meyers.
Now, murder? That's a serious crime. Whoa, whoa. Okay, I did not kill anybody. Your Honor, I don't even know that lady. I'm just here to pay a parking ticket. Likely story. Are you hearing this, Your Honor? No, uh, for the benefit of the court, this stenographer will now read back the statement of the witness. DJ Evidence? I did kill that lady.
What? I rest my case. But I didn't say that. This makes no sense. Why is the DJ here? Don't change the subject. You got the wrong guy. My name's Mitch. I just worked in a handicapped spot. Uh, can we hear that again? Play that back. I make you a handicapped bitch. Whoa, was that a threat? What?
Of course not! But this is bullshit!
Order!
That was fly as hell, DJ Evidence. Huh? Objection, Your Honor. That was hella fly. Sustained. Is this insane? Your Honor, this witness is disrupting the proceedings, behaving in a disorderly manner, and frankly, parsing the vibes of the court. Objection, Your Honor, I- Young man, if you continue this conduct, the court will have no choice but to find you wickety-wack. Word. What? This can't be real.
Where were you the night of the seventh? I don't remember. Where were you on night eleven?
Did you kill that woman, yes or no? No! Yes.
I think that's all we need to hear, Your Honor. I'm ready to make my ruling. Where's the jury? The court has come to a final verdict. I find the defendant...
Guilty. Of straight killing the game with that lyrical flow. The penalty is death.
Whaaat? Bailiff, take him away. And DJ? Take it away.
No, no, no, this can't be- No! No!
Recording of this trial are on sale in the back. Up next, we have Mitchell for a parking ticket. Mitchell? Did you intentionally crush her with your thighs? Did you get that?
If you impersonate my dad, that's how you should sound. Son! I love you, son!
Get out of my dick! Where's your head stuck in the banister for? Get out of my banister!
All rise, bitches. Court is in s- You're talking. |
TheBetootaAdvocate | Betoota_Weekly_News_Bulletin_24_4_20 | You're listening to the Betooter Advocate's weekly news wrap on Desert Rock FM 96.5 Welcome back to the weekly Betooter Advocate Bulletin. I'm your host Clancy Overall, joined today of course by Errol Parker. How are you Errol? Always good, going mad. And Wendell Hussey, how are you Wendy? Still plugging away. How are you Clancy?
Good. You've been meeting your KPIs and I've been keeping it close on it because I've got nothing else to do other than to reprimand staff members so you're safe for now. That is good news. Let's get on with it.
First up today in one of our biggest stories of the week, Virgin Australia set to change their name after being fucked by coronavirus. Yes well well well another crude story penned by Clancy Overall and funnily enough it was the biggest story of the week so it just goes to show what I know. It really says a lot about our audience doesn't it Errol? Anyway Virgin can no longer call itself Virgin after the very public fucking, technically a foursome if you count the fact that the government was involved and of course Alan Joyce was involved in the same bed. So yes two names that were marched out earlier this week by the board were Experienced Australia or Easy Air. What do you think should happen Errol? Shall we bail them out and then send Bob Catty down to Bowen Hills with a 12 gauge demanding Virgin hand over the keys.
It might be time to nationalise. Yeah I wouldn't mind having a nationalised airline again. It could be part of the new socialist agenda if Scotty from marketing does decide to nationalise the airline however Josh Frydenberg at this point has ruled any bailouts out.
Not getting Icelandic just yet. What else is in the news Wendell?
In other national news this week and Stop Eating Avocados says generation that needed 320 billion dollars to protect it from a flu. Yeah so far 320 billion dollars has been spent in Australia alone on the coronavirus response by the federal government and if there are 5 million boomers in this country which I'm pretty sure is a conservative estimate mind the pun there. The young people of Australia have spent nearly 64 thousand dollars on each life. Do you think that's a good investment Clancy? Well the stats show that they've spent roughly 10 thousand dollars on every life younger than 60 years of age.
We'll see who pays off in the end. Was there any comments on that one Wendell? Yeah there was one from Chris Dunn who floated up another option he said surely the only way to repay the debt is to introduce boomer death duties. An interesting option. Back home in town now and we broke a great story about overcoming adversity.
Local Papu fakes his own death so that wife can have 10 people over for orthodox Easter. Yes after months of his wife complaining that she shouldn't have to miss out on having her dearest friends and family over for Easter just because his bloody skippies can't keep off the cruise ships. Batuta flight path resident Yanni Vlandis decided to fake his own death and he pulled it off with a gory self submitted obituary in which he graphically detailed his own murder at the hands of a homeless drug addicted person who's also Turkish.
Yes that's a story as old as Australia itself I think. Yes like many southern European migrants of Yanni's era he's done what they do best and found a loophole in the government's social distancing measures. It all paid off in the end they were able to have all five of their kids over with the oldest grandchild and of course roughly 20 to 30 neighbours leaning over the fence. There you go he could have just planned a anti 5G protest if he wanted to have a large gathering.
Elsewhere around town and as ISO continues to bite a local F45 chick has begun looking for other ways to have a personality. Yes quite sad really without the glory of group fitness local woman Melody doesn't seem to have any defining personality traits. She says she hasn't received a sweaty high five from a stranger in months. Yes and she probably won't be getting that sweaty high five for up to a year you know but at least she's saving a few hundred bucks a week if she's given up the cult of F45.
I'll tell you what to all the young people out there who are carrying a little bit too much weight here's a diet for you it's called the don't eat so much fucking diet and if you want to lose a bit of weight yeah go and run up and down some fucking hills until you vomit and go home and just eat a grilled chicken breast and steamed vegetables that's it then go to sleep then do that every fucking day and you will lose weight. Bit of honey mustard on there sounds glorious Errol. You don't need to pay some fucking washed up fucking useless cunt to teach you how to fucking punch a punching bag just fucking go and run around in circles and don't put shit in your body.
Yes yes good point you made there Errol but you know it brings us to the question is how are we going to employ our ex-rugby league players? They can be pokie reps. Ah good resolution all round.
Wrapping up with our last story of the week and it's a sports one teenage son told to find somewhere else to fucking self isolate after heated Lebron James versus Michael Jordan debate. What a brave young man this all happened after they watched The Last Dance whatever the hell that is the other night. I think you'll find it's the new documentary series everyone's going wild over it's replaced Tiger King as the number one streamed documentary around the world while everyone's in quarantine Errol and it kind of outlines the last season of Michael Jordan when he was probably as driven as it gets talking about him being a cold killer on the court the coldest we've ever seen. But I'd challenge those who think Jordan is the most competitive animal of all time to come out here and watch a 32 year old reserve grade hooker go to work in the break during the Batutah Baduri Derby or watch Steve Wilson the opening bowler for the Jugongs bounce some kid out at Twilight Cricket on Wednesday. I'll tell you one thing that MJ wasn't that good at baseball. Wendell any comments on that article? Well there are a lot but there was a good one from Adam T who said this kid should be homeless dad's done all he can and he's obviously a loss caused.
So on that note we'll wrap it up thanks for joining us and we back again in seven days time with your weekly serving of honest hard hitting regional news. Until then look after yourselves look after each other and stay at home. Goodbye. Stay clean. Stay off the beach and wash your hands. Get in your body.
Yes yes good point you made there Errol but you know it brings us to the question is how are we going to employ our ex-rugby league players? They can be pokey reps. Ah good resolution all round.
Wrapping up with our last story of the week and it's a sports one teenage son told to find somewhere else to fucking self isolate after heated Lebron James vs Michael Jordan debate. What a brave young man this all happened after they watched The Last Dance whatever the hell that is the other night. I think you'll find it's the new documentary series everyone's going wild over it's replaced Tiger King as the number one streamed documentary around the world while everyone's in quarantine Errol and it kind of outlines the last season of Michael Jordan when he was probably as driven as it gets talking about him being a cold killer on the court the coldest we've ever seen but I'd challenge those who think Jordan is the most competitive animal of all time to come out here and watch a 32 year old reserve grade hooker go to work in the break during the Batutah Baduri Derby or watch Steve Wilson the opening bowler for the Jugongs bounce some kid out at Twilight Cricket on Wednesday. I'll tell you one thing that MJ wasn't that good at baseball. Wendell any comments on that article? Well there are a lot but there was a good one from Adam T who said this kid should be homeless dad's done all he can and he's obviously a lost cause.
So on that note we'll wrap it up thanks for joining us and we'll be back again in seven days time with your weekly serving of honest hard hitting regional news. Until then look after yourselves look after each other and stay at home. Goodbye. Stay clean. Stay off the beach and wash your hands. |
TheOnion | Report_Many_Companies_Now_Offering_Women_Permanent_Unpaid_Maternity_Leave | In a move that business insiders are calling long overdue, many American companies are making a revolutionary effort to accommodate their female employees by offering them permanent, unpaid maternity leave. It was such a relief to know I didn't have to go back to work right after having a baby. I can just stay home indefinitely, and it won't hurt my work benefits at all because there aren't any. There's no guesswork. The key to fostering motivated workers is giving them the flexibility to nurture their professional and personal goals. We want to make it as easy as possible for our female employees who want to start families to go right ahead. So, with our new competitive unpaid leave program, we actually encourage women to take off as much time without pay as they want, with no pressure from us to ever come back. Companies have received overwhelmingly positive reviews from female employees who stress that the flexibility and open-endedness of the unpaid maternity leave are some of its most attractive features. I love knowing that at this company, whenever I want to get pregnant, I'm totally supported. They're not making me choose between taking care of an infant or forging ahead with my career. With unlimited time off without pay, they make that choice for me.
It's a huge load off.
Anyone's eligible, and it works out across the board. The employee thrives, their new baby thrives, and believe it or not, the company benefits too. Everyone wins. |
dropout | bbm_roulette_continues | Yo Internet, what's up? I'm Pat Castle. And I'm Dan Gerwich, and together we're two hosts.
Today we're going to be playing Blackberry BBM Roulette. Pat, tell them how it works. Dan and I are going to be pulling people off the street and having them spin our wheel. Whatever message the wheel lands on, they need to BBM to one of their contacts that Dan and I are going to pick.
Devious. Nefarious.
The last one's not very realistic, but that's the general idea. They will win a crisp, clean $100 bill. Let's get started.
Reginald, have you ever sent an embarrassing message for real? Yes. I remember sending something about bleeding, and I wasn't bleeding just for like, giggles. Giggles is not a verb I would associate with bleeding, I gotta be honest. Well, why don't you give the wheel a spin and we'll see if we can get any giggles out of your friends today.
Just right there. Either way. Wrong way!
Just bought us ticks to the Counting Crows concert. Yay! Can you send me the $200 tonight? Hand over your phone here. I'm looking for a name that wouldn't respond well to Counting Crows news. Anybody on that list? Terrence! Sent? All right. All right, Reginald, it's been five minutes. Did you get a response? I did.
Oh my god, what is that? He said, what? Laugh out loud. And then waited like, two more minutes and said, what is this all about? Utter bafflement is the response. Utter bafflement, yes.
You survived, and for that you get $100. Congratulations. He's gonna pay my phone for it. Bill, are you prepared to humiliate yourself? Absolutely. I like that. Holy crap! We're going back in time!
Do you think I'm allergic to peanut butter smoothies?
There's a photo on, so you have to send this photo of, I guess, your arm. Who's Jill? Jill's a buddy of mine. All right, Bill, it's been five minutes. Did you get a response from your friend?
Unfortunately not.
And you escaped by the skin in your teeth. All right, well, now that the time is up, you can BBM your friend, tell them it was a joke. Right, right, you can logically explain that you were simply sending it as part of a game show, where you send weird messages to people for money. And for that, you win $100.
Awesome. Nice work. This is yours. Very much. All right, Shara is up next. Shara, thanks so much for being here. Why don't you give the wheel a spin? Posting that picture of you from last night, death going to upset a few people with it. Wow. Specifically for the purpose of upsetting people. I like that. There's so many great options.
Not liking you. I'll throw that to you in a secret. It doesn't matter if you look or not. You're still going to randomly choose someone from yourself.
Katie, she's getting a BBM of you being really mean to her. So Katie's who? Katie is a friend of mine that I work with.
All right, so the BBM is sent. You got five minutes before you can Twitter, Facebook, or any kind of message to let Katie know that it's a joke. And we'll check back in. Hopefully, she'll respond and hopefully, she'll be upset. Okay, and did you get a response?
I did. I got question mark, question mark, question mark. Better than exclamation point, exclamation point, exclamation point. Right, exactly. Or dot, dot, dot. Yeah, and much better than three at symbols because that wouldn't make any sense. So for surviving, you get $100, or as I like to call them, smack a roost. |
cracked | death_wish_logan_lucky_the_sarahah_app_the_newest_innovation_in_cyberbullying_this_week_in_epcd | Hey everyone, welcome to another episode of Excessive Pop Culture Discussion. This is our weekly unscripted chat show, where we talk about everything that's going on in the news. It has nothing to do with the president or politics. Already losing it is my co-host, Maggie Mae Fish. Yeah, it's like it's not a talk show.
This one left the rails early. Yeah. And next to her is Soren Bowie. I'm Daniel O'Brien.
There's a lot going on in pop culture this week, and we're going to cover all of it. I saw in the last five days, Dark Tower of Valerian and Detroit. Dark Tower of Valerian, really fun to look at.
Detroit. Incredible. Go see Detroit. Very good.
I also, mainly this week, I wanted to talk about a fight we got in on Twitter. Yeah, that's extensive. Our hot dog sandwiches. Please feel free to weigh in in the comments. Hot dogs are not sandwiches, but we... Yeah, don't weigh in. Right. We went all the way to the Supreme Court. They decided hot dogs are not sandwiches. It's done.
People seem to have a lot to say about it, though. Yeah. On the other side. They do. There's a whole lot of people. That's what I hate, though. Everybody's doing it to be contrarian, and I don't like that. They're just like... The same with Flat Earth Truth. Where people are like, but maybe... And they don't actually believe it. Right. They're just like, they want to fight.
And I think at the end of the day, a hot dog is a hot dog, and that's it. And that's the argument that I have that will never get beat, is that this is what a sandwich is and this is what a hot dog is.
And I'm not even trying to do shapes with them. It's just, no, you're not...
Well, you did make the exact same shape for both a hot dog and a sandwich. People are trying to logic it where they're just like, well, what if the bun fell apart and split? Wouldn't that make hot dog a sandwich? No, it's a f***ing hot dog where the bun split.
Get out of here. All right. Anyway, so what did you want to talk about this week? Well, not that.
I want to talk about Logan Lucky, which is a new movie that's coming out. There's a really good trailer out for it. It's got Daniel Craig in it and Adam Driver and...
Channing Tates. Yeah, Channing the Tay. The Tates.
It looks really fun and cool. It's about a bunch of guys who robbed a North Carolina race car event. Yeah, it's exactly my favorite kind of movie where it's elaborate crimes pulled off by really dumb people. Yeah, I'm very excited for it. It's really nice. Everybody's a big character in it.
And it's written by a woman named Rebecca Blunt. And this is her first screenwriting debut.
But if you try to find her anywhere online, I wish you good luck because she doesn't exist. She's not a real human being.
There are all kinds of people. Everyone who's tried to get in touch with her has failed. And obviously, everybody's trying to because this is her first big project. So everybody's asking Soderberg, everybody, put us in contact with this woman.
Even his press junket. His press junket doesn't have the ordinary press packet where it tells you information about everybody.
She's just absent from all of this. The only thing we have is her name. And if you try and find her on social media anywhere, she doesn't exist.
Yeah, it's just like one photo of her, right? Yeah, there's one photo.
And Steve Soderberg... She's like blurry walking through the woods.
Yeah. Yes, that's exactly right.
Yeah, she's swimming in a lake. And just her neck and head are above the water. Yeah, she's a fish, right?
And so no one can get kind of clear. And so everyone's asking, obviously, Steve Soderberg, they're like, who is this woman? Can we meet her? And he's like, no, you can't meet her. And they're like, well, we don't think she exists.
And he says, OK, well, be very careful what you say about a woman. And this is her first project that she's made, which is like he's tapping into this eagerness to be feminist about this and give somebody like this a chance. But he's doing it for the wrong reasons. Like he made her up.
Right. Like one of the main battles with feminism isn't that men think women are ghosts. Like that's not what anyone is fighting against right now. He's only using that as a way to keep people from asking too many questions about it. Which is great.
I love Steve Soderberg. And I love his work. And I think he's a fantastic director.
And I'm just reading this like, what? And then for him to have the gumption to call the press on their sex when it's like, agents are trying to find this woman. Like managers want this woman on their team.
And she doesn't exist. She doesn't exist.
So do you have any theories as to why he might be doing this?
Yes. OK.
So the other thing that Steve Soderberg is doing with this project is that he's cut out studios completely from it. If you watch the trailer, the beginning of it will show fingerprint releasing, which is his company, and then Bleecker Street. Bleecker Street, he's using exclusively for marketing for this. And instead of using like a studio ordinarily would charge like $4 million for, no, $40 million for marketing for something like this. And instead of going to them and having them do the marketing, because they'll blow up that budget so that when they recoup, they're going to get a bunch of money back regardless of how much work they actually did. So he's like, f*** that. I don't want to deal with studios. He's like the Kendrick Lamar. Or the Chance the Rapper of the film industry. So he's trying to figure out a way to cut them out completely. He's only gone to Bleecker Street to make the trailer and to also do some distribution. So they've like put up billboards in the south and stuff like that. And he spent like 12% of his budget for marketing right now. And ordinarily by this point, a studio will have spent 40% of their budget, because it comes out August 18th. So he's trying all these little things to like subversive commercial ways to get people excited about this film or to even like talk about it.
So I think that this might be one of those things. In which case, I'm the idiot now who's now brought it up on a show. Right, but also then it's like using feminism as a prop. Like, hey, look at my show.
So it's going to be a huge bummer if that's why he was doing it. What a bummer. What if the movie is bad?
Well, all the reviews so far have been outstanding. Right, 100% on Rotten Tomatoes, I think. Yeah, everybody who's seen it has loved it.
And part of that is because nobody else has their fingers in the pie. Nobody else is like standing there around and being like, I think it needs to be broader.
And so I think that he's lucky in that respect. He's figured that part out.
And if other studios, I mean studios obviously hate this idea. If other directors and movie makers see that this works, then that's also very exciting because then you're not as beholden to them to make your trailers that tell you every single joke or the entire plot of the movie.
Right. Yeah, there's also a similar trend in young adult novels of male writers doing pseudonyms of female authors because young women now want to read books written by women. Yeah, of course. So they've been using pseudonyms.
That's wonderful. Finally, the white cis guy getting his fair shake. I love that. I was so worried about that.
Look how far we've come as a society.
I'm going to get this wrong, but I feel like in my childhood anyway, young adult novels, there's a really strong trend of genderless names. Yeah, well J.K. Rowling changes. J.K. Rowling and I think like K.A. Applegate did the...
J.R. Tolkien. Yeah, sure. For my childhood, yes, J.R. Tolkien.
I'm 60.
I don't remember what direction it was supposed to go and if it was men who were like, I'm going to be general so I seem like a woman or a woman being like, I want to be general so I seem like a man to sell more books. But it seemed like that's what was happening. But if we're just like throwing out the rules now and like pitching your vampire books with a boy's name and like with a woman's name, then what the... What are we doing?
My name is now Rainbow and call me Rainbow.
I mean, all right. Thank you.
That's a crazy story. I don't know what he's doing with the rest of that marketing budget. He doesn't get to keep it. He's saving it.
He thinks that... Well, in interviews he said that he thinks it's important that within like the last three days of it, that's when people are really going to pay attention. So he, I'm sure, has something very big planned.
I hope that this pseudonym thing is not part of it. I hope that this is just something that they never answer and it's just this woman who doesn't exist.
Or she comes out of the woodwork the last day and she's a real person. That would be great. Right. Is there a chance she's a real person? Yes. She was like, I... And everything's good.
She's just like, no, I just hate the internet. I was afraid of people. My last name's Blunt. I got made fun of a lot for that. So, like, I didn't want to be in the spotlight.
Becky Blunt, here she comes again. Meanwhile, Emily Blunt is sitting in the background like, What the f***? Yeah. She's a blonde name. I already cut this path for you. What's the problem? Two pretty different Emily Blunt impressions, by the way. She's British. Oh, sorry. Yeah.
In my mind, she was not. No, she's like a 30-something Colorado dad, I think. That's my impression of everyone.
You should see my walk-in. It's wonderful. Maggie, do you have a story for us this week? I do.
So, mine is maybe on the opposite end of yours, but NBC has a new directing program where they're picking 10 female directors and having them shadow on three episodes of a show, and then directing one of them. So, it's called, no, Female Forward Initiative. It started by the NBC president, Jennifer Sulk.
So, yeah. I think it's, one, it's great, but two, they have these pipeline programs. They have about like 10 of them. I think they're mostly a catch-all. Anyone can apply. They all consist of the same thing, but this is the first one that's like female-oriented. Yeah. So, yeah. And I have some fun numbers. Do you guys want to guess?
Are there ages for it? How old do you have to be for it? I think on the application, it's like above 18, but...
I'm going to ladybug this situation. Please. Jennifer, I'm going to direct. Oh, boy.
Do you guys want to guess what percentage of TV shows was directed by a female in 2016? From NBC or from all television? From all TV shows.
What percentage? I don't think so. Yeah, I do. 15%. I guess it's lower than that. I guess 7%. 3%! No! 3%!
Oh my goodness! Yeah!
Which is, I didn't even know it was that low. That's a bummer. Yeah. That sucks so bad. Which is, you know what? It's down from 2015, which was 4%. Oh. So it took a 1% dip. So anyways, I think it's a great program. I'm no longer ladybugging the second one. I know! It's such a depressing answer. But women get a chance. Yeah, that was much lower than I thought. That touched on something.
So Tom and Abe are doing a thing that's the Cracked Movie Club podcast, where every month they do four episodes. Each one is about a different director. So they did Spielberg. They're like, here's our Jaws episode, here's our Raiders episode. A third Spielberg, and then a fourth Spielberg. And they were talking about, oh, we should definitely throw in women directors as well. So we've got Katherine Bigelow. Just a struggle of getting four famous movies that have been given to women directors.
There's a lot of surprising comedies. Half Baked was directed by a woman, which I always forget, and that always makes me laugh. All the Wieckowski movies, right?
Yeah. I mean, yeah. You can retcon that, right? Yeah. I've definitely read that article. But it's just such a wacky thing that there's so few of them and no clear reason for that, except for the blanket sexism that is just over everything. Right.
But I mean, it's also the mentorship. Directing is a lot of having a mentor. Having a mentor is a director. And directors, they want to see something in the people they're mentoring. So if there's a lot of men directors and they're interviewing people, they'll see something new that looks like them and be like, I remember when I was your age.
Right. Yeah. It makes perfect sense why it happened. Yeah. How these systems get in place in the first place. I mean, everybody's dealing with it politically now because of school, affirmative action in schools. But you can see how, even in your own life, how common it is. If I was going to hire a bunch of people and somebody came in and they look kind of like a young white guy who's like, oh, I can relate to you. Yeah. Like, we're starting from the same place, but this is going to be easy. Right. But yeah, I can understand how those systems get locked into place. Yeah.
So hopefully this is great. And it'll give a blueprint for other studios to do similar things.
I also read something a long time ago for reasons that were never made clear in these articles, that there are a lot of female film editors and they're great at it. Like, a lot of the best editors are female.
And there was the author of the piece spun it into some kind of like, oh, this is also like birth. It's just what women are designed for. A man throws a bunch of crap at you and then you turn it into this beautiful thing. You just make this amazing beautiful thing, which is not scientific by any stretch. Yeah. And more like a cute little mirror to hold up.
But the article did mention that men don't want to lose the female editors because they're so good. And they don't want them to move from editing into directing. So there's some kind of like shadow plot to keep some of them down.
Oh, that's a bummer. Yeah. Oh, man. Yeah. But what is their dream? I know. Oh, well. Better be one of that 3 percent. Good on NBC for doing that. Yeah, that's cool. You can get them. I hope that works out. Yeah.
I hope it's not at some point. Like, even if one of them goes poorly, I don't want that to be the excuse that all these other groups are going to be like, see? This is why we didn't let them in.
One day, we'll have really shitty female directors and great female directors. It'll be great. And then what everybody wants. That's what I want. I just want a lot of shitty films made by women, and it'd be okay.
Dan, what about you? Do you have news for this week? Yeah, do you?
Yeah, they're rebooting Death Wish, and the trailer came out today, and I'm really happy that I'm not alone in it. The internet is mixed, but they're mostly unhappy. They mostly think it's a bad thing. So Death Wish was a movie years and years ago based on a book that was a reaction to actual things that were going on in cities.
It's a guy whose family was attacked or murdered, and he goes kind of crazy. It's Charles Bronson. He goes kind of crazy. He becomes vigilante, and he's just sort of like goading kids into attacking him so he can shoot them in self-defense to try to get revenge for the attack on his family.
Kids? Yeah, he's like a middle-aged man, and he's specifically targeting non-white youths to clean up the city.
And he's the bad guy in this. He doesn't get the revenge, and the book was written because a real guy in real life yelled at some teenagers on a train on a subway to attack him until they did, and then he pulled out a knife and he started stabbing them. And we're like, oh, that's a bad guy. We don't like that guy.
And then they made this book that was not celebrating this guy, and then they made a movie, and then they forgot the message of their movie and made 19 more Death Wishes where it's like, and now he cleans up Texas. It was like Fievel goes west in his way and just like murdering. I think the movie came out, and there were enough people in the audience who went, that guy is so bad ass. The studio, with no morals at all, just pivoted. And we're like, oh, well, then he's the good guy now.
Now we'll just make more of these. And now they've remade it, and they are also forgetting the message of the first one.
And it's Bruce Willis. His family gets attacked and killed, and he goes to the police, and they can't help him.
So he's very dramatically, like his hero moment in the beginning of the trailer is, I'm going to buy a gun. I want to buy a gun. He has to do it for himself. And he just like buys...
That's not hard, also. No. So it's not like a big thing to overcome. You just go to the store and hand your ID, and then you have a gun. Right. Well, he's saving his wish for the death. Oh, okay. Oh, that's true.
He buys lots of guns and kills people, just like stops a carjacking here and then like finds people who are gang-affiliated. And they're like, this guy beats me up on my way to school. Okay. And he just shoots a guy in broad daylight and has elaborate murder traps. Like he crushes a guy to death under a car when the guy is doing repairs on it.
And you can see he... It looks soft. And like the city loves him.
And it's again like, it's an old white guy murdering a bunch of non-white youths in a city under the auspices of cleaning it up and making everything better and getting rid of people who look like criminals. It's such a strange movie to make right now with that particular slant on it. Well, I'm having a hard time deciding and delineating the difference between that and Batman. There's no difference except guns.
He wears a hood so no one can see his face. They don't know what he looks like. And he just like wanders around.
They took the thing... Salt crimes. Yes. By beating people up or killing them. Yeah. That's not great. They took the thing that made Batman palatable, which was, he has a rule, he doesn't kill. And they're like, but what if he did? Oh, now that's interesting. Yeah. This still sounds very much like a superhero story. Yeah. I'm all worried about that. That's how they're treating it.
And like the like cute little end tag they have for this is he's sitting in his therapist's office and he's like happy. And she's like, I don't know what you seem like much happier. I don't know what you're doing, but keep doing it.
He's like, huh. All right. I will. Oh, bummer. I can't see any lessons coming in this movie for anyone. This is... Oh man. That's like a weird, that's like a falling down was a superhero origin story. Right. It's also, it's Bruce Willis wearing a gray hoodie, running around the city, taking care of business. Yeah. He's also going to be doing another Unbreakable where he walks around in like a gray rain slicker and uses his superpowers, which again is violence and strength. Now we'll have two of those movies. Oh man. Wow. I'm amazed that went through so many eyes and was like, yeah, make that. Yeah. All right. How's it going to be? Yeah.
Didn't they try and make a movie about that old man on the bus who just beat up that dude? Did they? Yeah, I think they did, but I think it's played by Danny Trejo or somebody.
It's like old man with an axe or something like that. I can't remember what it's called, but it's very similar to that and it's just... And Bobcat Goldfoy, he did a movie very similar to that, where it's just that little girl and a man, American.
Brian Doyle Murray. Where they just run around getting vengeance on people who they think aren't good for society that they together have decided. And we're, obviously the audience is supposed to think the same thing, the syctomonious.
I don't think that's a cathartic story anymore. I don't think that's a thing that anyone wants. We know that's not the way to clean up crime. Now, if the story was him redistricting a couple areas and integrating a couple schools, then... That sounds really boring.
Yeah, doesn't it? But what if he killed people while he... Then I'm on board now. Like if it goes all the way to the top and he gets up to the local senator and breaks his knee.
Oh, okay. All right.
That's This Week in Headlines. And then we can get into our main story, which is a thing...
That Soren, you brought to my attention and I can't even pronounce it. Let's all go through our individual pronounces, pronunciations, because I think we all probably have a different one.
You can... It's basically an app that you can get criticism from anybody and it's all anonymous. So they can write anything they want about you in these messages and you will never know who sent it. It started in the Middle East as specifically for jobs. It's for employees to leave feedback anonymously for their employer so they could tell them how they're doing.
That makes sense.
Honest feedback. Besides having that awkward like sit down with your boss like, eh, that's right. And then it took on here in America because now it's an app instead of a website and their description is like, hey, get honest feedback from your employees. Also be honest with your friends. Tell your friends what you think about them.
So the only reason I knew it existed was because all of a sudden in my Facebook feed there were a ton of people saying, alright, brace yourself. I see what everybody has to say and they were just putting links out to this. And I was... I didn't understand it. I went and clicked on it and it was just this page, white page that just has a little bar at the top where it says like, write something about this person. Yeah. And I was like, oh, this is a terrible idea. Yeah. I saw our co-workers, Robert Evans was like, alright, I did it. I have a page and I saw what it was and then I texted him, this is f***ing stupid. I didn't want to point him out, but that was the person I saw and I was like, say something about Robert Evans. No.
Because the impulse, as soon as that happens, everybody has the same impulse as me, which is, this is dumb. Why are you asking me to do this? I'm going to f*** you up. And that's what's happening.
I mean, like the teens, this was a very alienating article for me to read because the first sentence of it on Mashable was like, oh, but now, thanks to Snapchat, Seraha is making teens mad. I'm like, well, this doesn't sound like a real problem. People keep posting screenshots of controversial comments that have been left on their thing and teens on Snapchat are mad. They're like, my whole feed is clogged up with pictures of Seraha. And it's like, but like here's this Google Play review for the app. My 13-year-old sister uses this and she got a death threat aimed at our two-year-old brother. So that's the problem. The problem isn't like it's clogging up my Snapchat timeline. That's the problem because we're getting killed in movies and in this app.
I know that makes me sound like an old man, but we keep redrawing our line in the sand for what qualifies as self-indulgent because like I get it. It was a while ago that we were really accepting of the selfie. Selfies are fine. Everybody you want to take a selfie, I don't give a s***. That's great for you. Like we redrawn the line, but that's no longer considered self-indulgent.
But now there's this thing where you can get people to give you unsolicited or solicited advice, I guess, or solicited criticism of you. A lot of it's going to be negative because it's the internet. And then on top of that, you're then taking that and then showing it to everybody else so that they can then say, that's not true. That's not you. Like they're putting up the most negative ones of themselves so that people will come in and undercut it. Like that person doesn't know what the s*** they're talking about. And that's so self-indulgent that I hate the idea of it.
It's also been like a slippery slope. So before when I was in a college, we had the thing called Yik Yak. Yeah, which I think is still kind of used, but it was a similar thing. Although it did not need to be directed at someone. It was just anonymous thoughts, kind of like Twitter, but anonymously. Yeah, so you could post your thoughts about stuff. And people did talk about each other. But then also, there was a website for a while. I think it's still up. It's called Lulu.
And it was for women to rate men that they knew. They would give them a rating. You could select buzzwords for them, write reviews of them.
That's a genuine hiccup. Oh, my god. That'll log into my Lulu. Seems when he gets nervous, he uncontrollably hiccups.
So weird. Opposed. Anyways.
Did you use it? Did you rate boys? Well, I had a group of close guy friends. And I would go on there and give them good ratings in case other girls wanted to go on there. You duped the stats. I did. Oh, boy. I did.
That's why it's no longer around. Maggie Mason only brought it down. It's all those Lulu scientists who can't explain this anomaly that was surrounding your hometown.
In one way, that's really nice. Because there are a lot of groups of women that have. A man can move from one group of women to another if he's predatory. And he's very good at convincing groups of women to like him. And then he will do something terrible and then move on to a new group. So it's really good for communication or to exist between women to warn each other about something like that.
I don't think that that's what that says. That's not what this is about.
I will say I hardly saw any negative comments. Most of them were like 420 friendly. Were like the crazier ones. But like most people had fine ratings. None of them were like mean.
Yeah, it was boring. That's probably why it ended. It was kind of boring.
Yeah. But now it's how the teens are immediately turning to cyberbullying, which I try to, I don't know. I'm kind of split in mind trying to think what I would do with this technology. I definitely remember when I was a teen and chat rooms were available, friends and I would go and troll people, surely. We weren't hackers or anything, but like in this room I can pretend to be a different person and maybe I'll get a rise out of somebody else.
Maybe it was the last name Blunt. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Rebecca Blunt. Fucking idiot Becky Blunt who thinks she can walk around with a name like that.
You'll never write a movie, I said that. So I don't know. I had that same 13-year-old troll impulse that I think a lot of people did that for me got old very quickly.
But I also think if knowing what I know about myself, were I a teen who could anonymously reach out to someone in my school, that's all of the love confessions. That's exclusively what I would use this app for. Letting them know. Yeah, I'm your secret admirer and you're going to fall in love with me via words first, because those are the big guns, baby. Trust me. This is the best thing I'm offering you.
Once we develop this connection, you can look past that I'm currently playing clarinet in the marching band. And he tricked me with all those words first. And here the changes in the circumference of the clarinet.
Oh, word? Yeah, yeah, yeah.
This is also a time in Dan's life where we're on the side complimenting. You still get crazy once in a while? I still have my clarinet. I don't often break it out, but I could.
Yeah, we should do one of those things where we get reeds and lace them with acid. Oh! And then just play in the woods somewhere. I haven't heard of that, but I'm into it. Yeah, I said we should do one of those things like it's a thing that exists, it doesn't.
OK. I don't think I want to be a co-host in this show. And then he left. Oh my god, hold on, I've got a picture of Lulu at the show. So weird. Anyways. What were you going to describe a very specific time? I was going to say that you also had hair that was changing the circumference of your head by about two feet. Yeah. Oh. Big. Did you? Yeah, yeah.
Just playing clarinet alone in my room and wishing there was some app where I could tell pretty girls that I liked them. I mean, as a kid, it would give you an opportunity to be earnest in a way that you can't in any portion of your life. And that's what journals and diaries are for. You get home and you're like, oh, I'm the only one who gets me. But man, it just, you're only going to hurt people on there. What do you think you would do with it were you a teen? Yeah, I think it would be a lot of the same stuff. It would be me trying to, it wouldn't even be honest. It would be me trying to, trying out like different types of variety. Like seeing what I could make people feel. And I think that's what a lot of people do anyway.
It's just always negative.
But you'd also experiment with the positive too. You'd be like, I wonder if I could make this person fall in love with me. Or like, I wonder how good I could make this person feel.
You're a puppet master. Well, you're dabbling in the emotions of other people when you're a teen. That's why everyone ends up hurting each other when they're teenagers. Because it's all experimentation at that point. You were a bully, so.
How do you know? Oh, I know. Is it perhaps you hair shaming me now as an adult? You had that ready to go.
You saw a couple of people bonding over the net. I was really chewing it up to the camera too while you guys were doing that. Oh, no. As soon as I mentioned marching band, I can see when you're like, oh, there's blood in the water. I can feel it. Dan put up a picture on Facebook a few years ago of him like running through his house in a Christmas sweater with a clarinet.
And I was like, oh, fuck. Oh, fuck.
No, I wish I was running through my house in a Christmas sweater because then that's a different narrative. The one that you actually see is like, oh, he's posing with the clarinet and the sweater. We didn't catch him chucking it somewhere.
It's like, get a picture of me now. It's so precious. Yeah, that was adorable.
What would you do with your experience as whatever weird version of Dean Maggie there was? I feel like it would have been anti this website. I think all the cool girls would have been posted. Yeah, all the cool girls would have been posting about it. And I would read them be like, whatever.
That's not me. Here's a really deep song that I know. That I know, not even a song you wrote. I'm aware of this one. She's a brick and she's drowning me slowly. I could see that for you.
Yeah, only because I'd be afraid. I was so scared.
Well, you'd be a girl about your narrative. You'd be like, well, I'm the Dario of this situation. Let me take control of this by not at all participating, because I don't want to know what they think about me.
But teens, tweens, stop using it to give death threats to babies, to two-year-olds. And then it's like, and like even a person like, oh, no, you want to kill me? Oh, no, this was for your two-year-old.
He's the one who crossed me. Tell your brother that. Please pass this on for me. I think that's our main story.
Do you guys have anything else you want to say about Sarah? Sarah?
No, I mean, it seems like such a bad idea from the start, because you know what happens even when there's when people's Facebook avatars or their Twitter names are on whatever they're writing. They're still willing to be vile to one another and being just trashed to one another. When you also give them anonymity, then you end up with something like 4chan or 8chan. And that's where things get even worse and pedophilia-ish. And I just have to assume that's what's about to happen with Sarah Ha. I think it's a bad idea, but I also think it's inevitable, though.
I think we were always going to have it. Yeah, didn't we get promised a Yelp at one point for people? And then everyone was up in the arms about that? Everyone's really mad about that, and I don't know what came of that. I think I remember the creators tried to walk it back at first and say they were only doing this so they can get a reality TV show about their lives.
Well, then it's fine. Yeah, I liked it better when we put kids in balloons. Did that happen? Yeah, oh, yeah. Did you hear about that?
You don't remember Balloon Boy? There was a weather balloon. And the news followed it for an entire day because there was a balloon floating across the Midwest or something, and it had a child in it.
And then they opened it up. They finally shot it down and opened it up, and the kid wasn't in there. And he had just been in the top of his garage the entire time.
His name is Falcon, by the way. When he came down, the parents found the news and everything, and there was one newscast where he's on there, and he's like, so why were you hiding up there? And he's like, because mom and dad told me to. And they're like, no, don't, don't, don't. Yeah, they just did some viral stunt to get a lot of attention. And I do have to offer a correction. His name was Falcon.
Now it's Balloon Boy forever. We don't have to forget that. Yeah, it was not the Boy. That's the Bully. Oh, yeah.
Balloon Boy. He's just punching down because they were running down. His name is Balloon Boy. We're all calling him Balloon Boy. Balloon Boy, Balloon Boy.
That does sound like me. All right, that's our main story. Now, you guys have sent in your questions to Maggie. And then. Oh. Do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do.
We do not know what they are. We do not. And she's going to ask them.
All right, here's a pretty good one, guys. All right, so Josh is a prick, says, what's a hated film that you love? And since I know what it is, I'll go first.
There's an incredible masterpiece called Pompeii, starring the. You just love Kit Harington so fucking much. And he takes his shirt off and this is so clear. Starring the wonderful talent known as Kit Harington, who can barely hold a sentence together, let alone.
What accent is he using in it? Who's to say? It changes from scene to scene. I think on purpose, hardly give him anything to say. There is a moment where he confesses his love to a horse.
This is true in the film. Wait, what? Yes, and so the film is developing. A lot of liberties with that historical fiction. Yeah.
And halfway through, there's just a volcano. And they drop a plot and just run away from the volcano.
Can I spoil it? Yeah, I think that's fine. Spoiler alert, they just both die, him and the girl that they like. What about the horse? It dies, too.
They're running away and they're like, you know what? Let's just wait for the lava. So they just sit and shh. What are they doing before lava in this movie?
Oh, boy. Are they like dueling political? Is he in charge of things? Is he like a guy who's working his way up?
He's a gladiator. He's a gladiator? He's a gladiator. It's worst gladiator, sounds like. Yeah, yes. What's worst gladiator? Worst gladiator. Like, the porn parody of gladiator, I think, is probably. That's the porn parody of gladiator.
That's great. That's so good. You guys see on film how little time that took me. Wow, that was immediate. There's not much to say after that. Did you say the porn parody? Well, I'm saying this is the.
Does Kit Harrington take his clothes off? I mean, no, he, yes. He's shirtless, and most of it. Is he true to name? Is he Harrington? No, completely.
I'll get one. Like you, Soren, completely. Just a dolphin from here down. Nice.
So that's a bad movie. Yeah, is it? It is actually bad. OK. Very bad.
But you like it for reasons that aren't Kit Harrington, or is it purely kinetic? It makes me laugh. It makes me laugh because it's so bad.
The plot is like this, like, the queen of the person who is in charge of this Roman town, like, comes back and she falls in love with, like, a sweaty gladiator. The queen of the person who's in charge of this Roman town.
See, there's no point. No, I'm going to say king. There's no point.
She's the queen of Ireland, and I'm the queen of this guy.
I've been away. Now I'm back.
Yeah, it's just a very convoluted, boring plot with a lot of horses for no reason.
Sure. Yeah.
I think we talk about this movie a lot, and the internet might be mad if I say this. I think Troy is known to be a bad movie. And if we accept that, then that's one for me, that I like a whole lot. I see the problems with it, definitely. It seemed like a couple of different movies, and I wasn't really sure what I'd ever wanted to be.
And Orlando Bloom is quite bad indeed in it. And the music is egregious and terrible.
I watch it every single time, and it's on. It really gets me. You do talk about Troy a lot. And the only thing that I really get nerdy about is ancient Greek stuff. The sex, death, and antiquity. That's my market. And the fact that you like Troy, I'm like.
That's your clarinet in the woods? Dan, I gotta. It's acid on the tree. I can't tell you how bad that movie is without revealing these deep little horses of me.
So fine. Like Troy, that's fine.
Wow, he's really upset about it a little bit, Troy. Oof. Your Lulu score is really taking a hint in this episode. Weird.
I don't, there's something, it's a bunch of cool fights like the Hector and Achilles fight. The fights I will give you are outstanding. The choreographer for those fights is world famous. And those are really cool and original and neat.
But man, does that movie in all other respects suck. Just sucks out loud.
I remember being colorful. The sky was very blue through all of it.
Yeah, which is ironic. We won't get into it. Totally.
I, so I'll do two because I'm afraid that one of them isn't no longer accepted as a bad movie and that's the cable guy. The cable guy was hated when it came out. That was famously hated, yeah.
And it's wonderful, it's so funny. It's so funny and very, very dark. I have not seen it in a long time. Okay, yeah, you should go back and watch it. It's very, very good. And because I think now over time it has aged well and people have started to accept the cable guy as a canon and the Jim Carrey lexicon.
But another one that I really like and it was universally hated is Any Given Sunday. Any Given Sunday. You love that movie. Wow. Any Given Sunday is a movie where like if I'm at the gym and it happens to be on, I'll be like turn the sound on on this TV and I'll sit there the entire time and just watch it. Because I am so invested in that movie.
It's very simple. The premise is all very simple.
But there's not a shot that lasts longer than about 2.5 seconds in that entire movie. It's exhausting to watch, but it's so much fun. I don't think I've ever seen that full movie.
Everybody's awful. There's not a single redeemable character in it. I mean, acting's fine. As far as characters go, you don't like anybody. Even the wide receiver is Bill Bellamy and I think you're supposed to maybe like him, but he's just him staring in a mirror for long periods of time being like, I am the fastest that's ever lived. I could catch anything. And you're like, oh no, f*** this guy. And yeah, they're all pretty irredeemable, but oh, I love that movie.
Guy loses his eyeball at one point. What? From football injuries? Football injuries, yeah. So they're treated like gods, basically, who just go out there and, oh, the gladiators, where like, you know that these people are designed to die and they go out there and they really play that up. And I think that there's a deleted scene from the movie, but they put in the unrated version where it's, a guy's eyeball falls out in the end zone. Interesting.
She has you from Saved by the Bell in that movie? Yeah, she is. She plays a prostitute.
Oh. Sorry. Oh, that's fine. Yeah.
And she, that Al Pacino is in love with.
So you don't like him much either. You don't like him?
So much to tell him. She's not in love. You have more questions?
I do. I don't think I had any other movies, but don't think. I'm sure I'll come up with nine on the way home today. Dammit, dammit, dammit. That's how I imagine.
Your steering wheel is so weird. And skull bones. She's one of the Mad Max cars. Very high up. So this is from Yuan Chen.
Which fictional character, not from the Game of Thrones franchise, would you put in the running or the throne? Okay. How about Goro from Mortal Kombat? Can I choose him? Yeah. All right, great. Why not? He'd do really well.
He's basically, what was the head of the Dothraki for so long? Khal Drogo? Yeah, he's basically Khal Drogo with extra set of arms.
Maybe even two sets of extra set of arms. I think he's more like an insect. Yeah, I think he has four. Two legs and four arms, yeah.
Okay, yeah. So yeah, I feel like he could be pretty good at that job. Okay. I've seen him kind of short-tempered for me. I'm trying to think of just leaders in movies and TV shows that can also hang and make some tough decisions. And I don't know that they're... They're all right, Tom. Maybe Hordak from Masters of the Universe. I think he could do it. Yeah. Yeah, or someone very smart. So I think a lot of characters make a lot of impulsive, not well thought out decisions on the show that have very bad consequences. They string a bell from the wire. Yeah.
It's good at making deals, but I don't see the whole picture. It got in a little over his head in Baltimore. So maybe I don't want to give him a whole planet. Well, if he can handle Baltimore, he could maybe do the Seven Kingdoms.
Do you have an answer for this one? Uh, oh boy. I guess I should have since I had this. You're the only ones who have seen the questions in your kids. I know.
Like a mad scientist. Who's a good mad scientist that we like?
Rick? Yes. He would take over in a heartbeat. People would be like, what? Clean up that slobber. I guess he rules us.
They'd never do that for Robert Baratheon. Why the f*** did they do that for Robert Baratheon? Rick is just a smarter, more reckless Robert Baratheon.
That would be fantastic. What other questions did you have for us? So, okay. Which movie would you pick to survive the apocalypse to best teach future generations what our civilization was like? Well, that's heavy. Wait, so the apocalypse happened and then I gave the movie to children and they're like, this is what it was like? Yes. So you're explaining what our world used to be like with one movie. Oh, man. Oh, it's loaded. All right, I already picked Dan's for him. Oh. Did you? Yeah. Okay.
Love, actually. Everybody loved each other and apples. Yeah, except for like if you had like a sick brother and then you weren't allowed to love.
Oh, yeah. That's the way that it was. That's a pretty good one. This might be a cop out and I don't particularly like this film by any means but Boy's Life. Yeah. You know, it's like three hours long. It shows like a very kind of mundane story about a dude just kind of living. Right.
I'm torn between trying to do something that was like, this is what perfectly captured the human condition and what modern life was like. Or if I seize this as an opportunity to brainwash the world for the future. If I pick one of the Star Trek's where everyone is living in total harmony and just like doing science together.
It was like, this is what it was like. No one was mad at anyone for being different. And we always like worked our jobs and did a good job.
We had replicators that made everything we wanted. Money didn't exist. So if you guys could get started on building another replicator for me. Like, I did the hard work of living in the world already. So now you got like, I gave you the blueprints of what.
What this is. Yeah. God, it's really hard. Cause like, I'm trying to think if there's even like a decade that I could pick up a movie from, and be like, oh yeah, that was perfectly that decade. Right. It's really tough. And you might mean like right now, like in 2017.
Although, I was also thinking you could just, you know, pull a nice prank. And what is that one movie with Luke Wilson?
Idiocracy. Idiocracy, yeah. Idiocracy.
It'd be like. Yeah, this is what it was like. I mean.
Right, the temptation of pranks is. It's really overwhelming. It's really high. I wanted to be like, battery's not included.
Yeah, they're a bunch of robots all the time. They're like alien robots that help old people fix their diner.
It's cool. Check it out.
We all had them. Chappie. We all had chappies. We played games with, it was fun. Everyone was South African. Chappie sucks.
We love mommy. This is really hard.
Yeah. I mean, I want it to be so good, and I'm not thinking it went off the top of my head. So, I think maybe like. You want me to think I could talk about chappie some more. No, maybe I'd do a girls trip. Oh, that's a good one. Yeah.
10,000% you haven't seen that movie.
Yeah, but I mean, it feels modern. It feels like, okay, that's zeitgeist right now. I feel like that counts.
It's pretty funny. If you haven't seen it, highlight it. I like that you're picking a movie that you think the future generation will be like, this guy has finger on the pulse. I mean, that's the only reason you're picking it. You're very concerned about how you're looking in this presentation. I'm the one who's giving it to them. That was true.
Do you have any more questions for us? I do have one more. We want to make it four today, okay.
So, Gabby Gibbs said, what franchise? You were putting tame on the names. I did not do that on purpose.
Mr. Wootles is a kangaroo. Mr. Wootles is a fictional kangaroo.
So nothing, Ben. Anyone who didn't see last week's episode, she's not having a stroke.
There's context for that. I cannot handle that name. And if I ever have a dog, I'm gonna name it Mr. Wootles. Anyway, so this is from Gabby Gibbs.
And she says, which franchise, and I'll add like TV show or fandom, do you most wish you could have known about since the beginning? Which to me I think is, since there's such a thing as like fandoms and stuff, and I think for me, I think it's Doctor Who because I never got into it, and now that my friends are super into it, I feel like weird watching them. It's like my lover, this is never going to match what you guys love about it because I just didn't grow up with it and I'll never...
Yeah, I tried once. I tried at some point to get into it and it was not worth it from my perspective. I didn't like it.
But I feel it, yeah, I feel the same way about Battlestar Galactica. If I had been a fan of early Battlestar Galactica, even though I didn't grow up with it, if I just, you know, you grew up with things that were before your time and you still fall in love with them, if I had liked that, and then all of a sudden the new Battlestar Galactica came out, and I know having not watched it, how much everybody likes that, it would just be this great topper to what you already loved. And I won't ever have that. And now I'm not even interested in watching the second Battlestar Galactica because I'm like, well, it doesn't. I'm sure it's good, but I'll save it for when I'm old. Yeah, I was going to say Battlestar because that's a show that missed me that Cody is frequently saying, you would like it, it has all the things you'd like, and I'm like, hey buddy, nice try.
I'll do this some other time. Just pass me by. And it's just not a show that I'm going to get into now.
Same with Lord of the Rings that I like. If I sat down and read Lord of the Rings, I'm pretty certain I'd like them. My brother almost reads nothing, and he read all of them, and loves them, and I never saw the movies, and I never got into the books, and I think now it's just too late because you have a bunch of other stuff to read. Yeah, it's the same similar situation where you grew up with the stories, and then the movies came out.
What a big deal that was. And it would not mean nearly as much to you. Yeah, the way that seeing Captain America on screen done correctly was like, we didn't think this was going to happen. It happened in our lifetime. Here we are. I think that for both of us, Harry Potter probably falls in that same camp. You guys missed out.
Great.
I mean, it's a very, I was rewatching the first Harry Potter movie with Riff tracks. Riff tracks over it. The whole thing's just ridiculous.
It's so good, though. Yeah, this is a little shout out, but have you ever seen Wizard People, Dear Reader? Oh, yes. Okay, great.
Conundrum of baby and power. You're a rocket-powered animal.
That was a question that I wanted to ask, and I'll close this out with that, because Wizard People, Dear Reader is something that I share with people, that I like gift movies that I bring to people. And I thought we can get a few answers out of this. What are your gift movies that are important to you to share with someone and have them watch it? This was much bigger for me in college when I felt like I'm the only one in the world who knows Memento, and I'm gonna share it with someone. We're gonna watch it together, and...
And like me. Yeah, yeah. Like me.
This movie is good. I'm gonna watch you watch this movie. This movie is good, so then I am good.
That's how this works, right? Right. League of their Own is a big one of those movies for me, that I get excited when someone hasn't seen it, and then I get to share it with them and watch them watch it. And I was dating a woman who was doing jokes during it and not paying attention, and I was like, we're gonna turn this off. And we're gonna watch something that you wanna watch, because otherwise this is gonna be a fight. That's big. The two that immediately popped into my head was Cannibal the Musical by Trey Parker and Matt Stone. Yeah. It's a classic, and if anyone hasn't seen it, you get super excited, because then you can sing the songs together. It's great. I'm gonna get my beat. And then the other one, I think most people have seen this though, is Fantastic Mr. Fox. It's one of my go-tos. Really? If someone hasn't seen it, yeah. Interesting. I love that movie. I do too, and I didn't think I was going to. Agreed, yeah. And that I think qualifies as a great share, gift movie. Whatever, we're gonna end up calling this thing.
As far as movies go, in college, I would make people watch Happiness. Have you seen that? That's such a sad movie. It depends on who you watch it with, because it can really change.
If you find the moments, it's very, very funny. I think it's written as a comedy, because he's done a couple other things that are all very, very dark comedies. And some of the moments are really, really funny.
I mean, even the guy talking to his kid, and the kid saying, like, have you ever done anything to me? And he says, no, I've just masturbated. Well, you slept, basically.
And it's really funny if you're with the right person. Something tells me you've been with the wrong person before and showed this movie a terrible, terrible time. I have to qualify things like that now, because at Point Break was a movie I talked about frequently, and then my wife had never seen it, and when she was just my girlfriend, she watched it with her family, saying, oh, someone really likes this movie.
And I was like, oh, no! No, I should have qualified that.
Watch it with someone, and it's way more fun. That's fantastic.
Well, I don't have anything else to say. Do you guys wanna, do you have anything to plug, Maggie?
Yeah, well, you can find me on Twitter, at MaggieMayfish, and I do other stuff, and I'll talk about it on there. It's cool, yeah, good to see you. Yeah, my name is Sorin. You can follow me on Twitter, at Sorin, underscore, ltd. And you can follow me on Tumblr, at hotdogsarenotsandwiches, so.
Oh, wow. That's all I talk about. I heard some compelling arguments on the other side, not saying I agree. I did not.
Meatball sandwich, meatball sandwich. Meatball sandwich is a meatball sandwich. It's a sandwich. The only one reason that one came up is because somebody was like, if your sandwich falls down, it shouldn't roll.
My friend Hannah. I was reading this out loud, she was like, here's my take. If it rolls, it's not a sandwich. You can find me on Twitter, at D-O-B, underscore, I-N-C. My timeline was kinda clogged with people doing this hotdog sandwich thing for a while, so.
Yeah, please leave it alone. I'm pretty over it now, so you don't have to say anything else.
I mean, you know. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Let's bring it here. Yeah, keep it there. All right, thanks for joining us, everybody. Yeah. Ah!
Hey, everybody, thanks for watching that. Make sure you click the big C in the middle to subscribe to our channel, if you haven't already. Click any of the videos to my left, your right, in those little boxes, and you can watch them. Turn on that stupid beepin' YouTube bell to get notifications when we release new videos, and... Looks like I'm controlling you. |
dropout | Stop_Recommending_Things | Guys, I just started watching the best show last night. It's a gritty remake of Dawson's Creek. The acting in it is so good. It's called Dawson's- Shut the hell up. Don't you dare say the name of that television show. Do you understand? It's so good though.
Shut up. Okay. Shut up. Damn.
I'm just trying to be nice and let you guys in on some good ass entertainment. Do you know how many shows I have in my backlog already?
Every time I load my Hulu watch list, my TV crashes. Sounds like a problem with your TV. It happens on every TV.
Okay. Hey, Jesus. All I want to do, Teo, is just watch a rerun, okay? I don't have the brain power to watch a full episode when I get home, but I have to because people like you keep recommending new shows. Okay. I won't say the name of the show, even though it's really good and it changed my opinions on love. Good.
Ugh, it's falafel. Oh, it's so good. Mmm. Do not recommend us a new restaurant. I was just eating. You were eating deliciously.
Look at my calendar, monster. Monday, John and Vinny's must have the chicken parm. Tuesday, Gwen, get the pappardelle. Oh, dude, if you're going to Gwen, you got to get the steak.
You don't go to Gwen for pasta. Shut the fuck up. I don't even know what Gwen is.
Okay.
Wednesday, go to Chipotle, get the burrito. I've never been before. I'm making my way through.
Look, it doesn't matter. Teo, your recommendations are making us go broke. I don't even remember what you recommended me last week. Oh, you got to go there. It's so good. Shut up. Okay, fine. I won't tell you guys where the best falafel in the city is, okay? I won't recommend you any more things.
Good. All right. Well, I mean, this is good.
My therapist has been telling me not to fight battles I can't win. She's doing so much for my mental health. I'm so glad she's in my life.
It sounded like you were recommending therapy. I'll get to it right after all my other self-care recommendations. Meditation, warning pages, Marie Kondoing, masturbation. I haven't done it yet. I wasn't recommending therapy.
I was just saying it's really good and effective. That's recommending. It's recommending. All right, fine.
I won't say anything. You guys are giving me such anxiety. Good thing I'm on post. Ow! You can't even say the name of the drug that I'm on? I can't say pro? No!
I'll take it after I take all the other drugs I've been recommended. Mostly by my friends and also one family. So for you. Okay. Why don't you guys recommend me something, huh? How about that?
Getty Center. I've already been. Sugarfish. Cafe Jack. Done it.
How do you have time to do all these things? I have an app on my phone that's really good at time management. It's called Time Goes By So Quickly.
It's $4.99. It's on both of the app stores. What? It's good. That's a recommendation!
For the Dread Cruiser! Static horse for the Dread Cruiser!
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cracked | 8_plans_that_went_to_hell_before_they_even_got_started_spit_take_theater | Hello the audience and welcome to the spit take today We're listening to suddenly by the rapper a sap rocky It's got a slow building some of his best right and speaking of sudden things with lots of build today. We're watching Americans spend 40 billion dollars on weddings each year The average wedding has a higher ratio of time spent planning to doing the most plots to overthrow the government you have to pick the Right flower arrangement range the guests like you're playing chess against the inevitable laws of entropy and alcoholism and hire the guy who is going To photoshop the bride to look like she's standing in her husband's giant CUM filled hands all of which is to say deciding to ruin her wedding day is some cold-blooded shit to do to a woman for the vine See you go on expecting to feel sorry for the bride But man, she just like pounces on that girl like when she was a little girl imagining her perfect wedding day It included bitch comes out of nowhere with a pie and I just take that hoe down with extreme prejudice different kind of hoe down and extreme prejudice, I guess 50 points to Gryffindor for trying something new with their wedding pictures negative 10,000 for getting hit in the head with a flying camera next time Maybe try not mashing your forehead into your bride's head I bet it helps with ducking and I found it helps with my marriage personally On the pump bench playing check the sipping Molotov cocktail seems like a simple weapon, right? It's what anarchists graduate to when they've mastered the rock throw and mostly have the hang of the brick through the window and this guy Looks like a pro the way he whirls dramatically towards the camera with his face covered as if to say nice try security camera But no one will know who's about to arson this building to the ground first sign of trouble comes when he finally lights the bottle And reacts like he didn't know is gonna be on fire on fire But really his performance is a testament to the value of giving up right away when the idea first pops into your head in this case Right there from that point on it's just a vicious cycle of self-doubt cowardice half-acid stick to it ofness and more failure For arsonist along the way We learn that nothing shatters the veneer of badass anarchy more than holding your fire bomb at arms length like it's a dog poo bag Critical flaw in his plan should be obvious right away He's not brave enough to hold the lit bottle long enough for the fire to really get going But since his brain doesn't want to let that thought in we get to watch his body feel the failure physically mounting over the course of five Spirit-breaking throws each one more hurried and less close to staying lit than the last pretty sure that one was out before it even left his hand That's right.
No need to run away. Just stand there and catch it. That thing is not staying lit You are just playing a game of catch with failure.
Oh, buddy your mask Hey Say something to the nation believe it was Ferris Bueller who said life moves pretty fast Especially when interviewing drunk girls on Miami Beach on New Year's Eve country. It goes all the way till 7 a.m. Inside Well another tall drink of water. Happy New Year's people You can almost hear him trying to convince himself.
No, she seems like she's got something to add to this informational news program I mean she wouldn't have absolutely stumbled past my news camera if she didn't understand the importance of this news broadcast She knows this isn't girls gone wild, right? Say something to the nation The reality show competitions on the golf channel or anything like the ones we watch here on earth the arbitrary physical challenge on the show Big break is preceded by an episodes worth of dramatic music and direct to camera testimonials about how Devastatingly high the stakes are for the child's birthday party game that the producers are making an adult play at the end of the episode It's for it was gonna come up short. I saw the chance But it turns out that every half-assed reality show competition was worth it in order that this one might so immediately and spectacularly Undermine its synthetic drama with perfect comedy and miraculous physics We Had to add that dramatic music because the golf channel decided to cut the one entertaining moment that has ever violently ricocheted into their lap We want that nut shot ruining the killer footage of a 78 year old golf legend forgetting he has a dick around a bunch of young people, right Anyone who watched the rest of the episode must have been extra confused about why that one girl kept asking him if his dick was Oh She does not appear to be stopping that any time soon The bold jeans were high like grand straps and reflector Yeah, cookouts say you want to be a tough guy you buy a gun Maybe a leather jacket fine-tooth comb cigarettes that go in your shirt sleeve hair gel all the stuff tough guys get when you're getting ready To rob a store be careful not to pick the one that hired fucking dirty Harry to man the till neck I didn't even bother with oh hey I've got a gun to twins just straight for the mouth like some kind of maniac Somehow this act of badassery gets beat by a store owner. We never get to see My ability to read numbers and Portuguese tell me that approximately 12 seconds elapsed between the moment this motorcycle band It enters the store with the head full of adrenaline and self-directed pep talks on the subject of who the man is and Wait for it Pal DJ jazzy Jeff right the fuck out of there This clip sets a number of land speed records for criminal ineptitude most notably the quickest a getaway driver has ever left their partner In crime for dead its body is still bouncing when the guy takes off. Where's the are you okay lady when you need her? Think she's moved on to other questions about Chi Chi Rodriguez's dick or think it's still just the one every muscle every blood vessel has desire and pressure built up in his You know what I'll read this whole thing to you if you subscribe it's a romance novel There's a lot of good stuff in here. I would give you the whole package That's euphemism for a dick |
dropout | katie_won_t_let_this_bit_die | Okay, looks like it's meeting time. You guys ready? Let's go. What are you, a cheerleader? Ready, let's go.
Okay, you got me. What I said was funny.
You guys will both be at cheer practice after school today, right? Yeah, wouldn't miss it. Yeah, definitely.
I get to miss eighth period because of it. What? I know I hate eighth period.
I'm finally a part of the group. Yeah, it's just like shoes everywhere. Yeah, I think so. Yeah. Oh, pom-poms. We're cheerleaders. God, I have our pom-poms, you know? I mean, like, duh. Oh, oh, the bit from yesterday. Yeah, okay.
Anyway, this is a brand new shoe store that they opened up right down the street. Awesome, I need new shoes.
Excuse me. You better be talking about getting new cheer shoes because I noticed your shoes were pretty dirty at last week's football game. Okay, Katie, it was funny yesterday, but give it a break. We have the big homecoming game next Friday.
We should be running our chairs nonstop. What are we doing sitting here doing to work? I have a ton of work to do.
Yeah, me too. I don't know why I thought it would be cool. I mean, it was just a shoe store. Yeah, I mean, you should have not taken me there. I know.
Okay, cheer squad. As cheer captain, I felt it was my duty to perfect our latest chair.
What? No, Katie, come on.
Ready, okay. L-E-T-S-G-O, come on, C-H, let's go. Woo!
No, this bit has to end. Doesn't have to end, it can go on forever.
Remember how you both laughed at what I said earlier this week? Did you even expect to laugh that day? Yeah, of course we did, we work in comedy.
Yes. My, oh my, look at these two little cranky cheerleaders. Well, hold on, because I have an incredible surprise that's going to give you back your cheer spirit. No, Katie, what is this? You're welcome. I say cheer, you say squad. Cheer. Cheer?
I can't hear you.
Did you have these custom made? Yeah. These feel professional, how much did you spend on them? It was $2,000. What?
The squad's gotta look good. Girls, the other teams are gonna look good, we gotta look good.
That is way too much to spend on a stupid bit. We're not gonna wear these.
No, what? Why? Because it's over, it wasn't even funny in the beginning. No? No!
I'm sorry. I guess I just finally felt like I was belonging, like I was a part of the group. No, it sounds pathetic, but it's the truth. Katie, if it means that much to you.
Yeah? Never talk to us again. Yeah.
Okay, because I thought that was gonna end differently. Hmm. I've got spirit, how about you? Katie? Oh, hi, I... Are you okay? No, I'm just joking, right? I guess I just...
Shut up, you suck. My, oh my, look at these two little cranky cheerleaders. Well, hold on, cause I have an incredible surprise that's going to give you back your cheer spirit. No, Katie, what is this? You're welcome. I say cheer, you say squat. Cheer? I can't hear you.
Did you have these custom made? Yeah. These feel professional, how much did you spend on them? It was $2,000. What?
It's gotta look good. Girls, the other teams are gonna look good, we gotta look good.
That is way too much to spend on a stupid bid. We're not gonna wear these.
No, what? Why? Because it's over, it wasn't even funny in the beginning. No? No!
I'm sorry. I guess I just finally felt like I was belonging, like I was a part of the group. No, it sounds pathetic, but it's the truth.
Katie, if it means that much to you. Yeah? Never talk to us again. Yeah. Okay, cause I thought that was gonna end differently. I've got spirit, how about you? Katie? Oh, hi. Are you okay?
No, I'm just joking, right? I guess I didn't. Shut up, you suck. Ha ha ha. |
TheBetootaAdvocate | Ep_169_Glenn_Wheatley | You're listening to Errol Parker and Clancy Overall, editors of the Batooter Advocate on Desert Rock FM. Welcome back to the Batooter Advocate radio show, you're joined by myself, Clancy Overall. This week, Errol Parker, editor at large, is up chasing a news story up in Longreach. They just had the big fundraiser concert out there in Durinbandy. We've had a bit going on in the South West of Queensland and today, you know, we've been on a roll of late on the Batooter Advocate radio show interviewing a whole lot of different people from the music industry.
Today we're actually interviewing a bloke who, if I've done my research correctly, got his start down there in the River City. That by my standards makes him a proud Queenslander, makes him a Queensland export. Thank you for joining us today, Glenn Wheatley. Clancy, very good to be here. Yes, and I am a Queensland import in Melbourne now, in Cremorne, Melbourne.
So can you tell us a little bit, I mean, you are a musician, a businessman, a talent manager, as we were just talking about off the microphone before, for a time there, you were the face of Telstra. You've worked in all sides of the stage, I guess. You've been on stage, you've been out the back. I guess that's right, mate.
I mean, I left Brisbane in a little blues band called Bay City Union, and in that band we had Matt Taylor singing lead and Phil Manning on guitar and myself on bass. We were an 18-year-old blues band, if you can believe that. I mean, as people who hadn't suffered in life, hadn't suffered enough, but we were trying to be a blues band and we did OK, but we eventually parted ways here in Melbourne and I eventually joined the Masters Apprentices. So I went from blues band to pop star overnight and I loved the transition. Now, can you just tell me a little bit about the blues influence? There was a lot of blues influence on your generation. Is that partly because there were so many young fellows whose parents had come, you know, as 10-pound poms and for whatever reason blues were a part of their life? Well, I came from the western suburbs of Brisbane and we were absolutely working-class family, so did that qualify me to be in a blues band? It probably gave me a good heads up, you know, to think, you know, I've got some problems and, you know, and let's put it in a blues band. But no, I guess there was a bit of an era. I came out of the Lobby Lloyd Purple Hearts era in Brisbane and Lobby, I have to give credit, gave me my big break in the music business. He was the one that asked me to come along as a, believe it or not, a 17-year-old to play rhythm guitar for the Purple Hearts, the biggest band in Brisbane at the time.
And I could not believe my luck. I mean, I turned up on that first night, Lobby put a 12-string written back around me, plugged me into a Vox AC-30. Well, I could have gone to heaven. That was unbelievable. And here was Lobby giving me a big chance to play with the big boys. And I was a kid, but, you know, it was my first big break and I'll never forget Lobby for giving me that opportunity. It was wonderful.
As far as your career in music goes, playing music was made up at least 50 percent of it, you'd say, in terms of the timeline. You're on stage for a fair whack before you even got into management and talent management and promoting. What was this scenario like? You know, the Glenn Wheatley we know today is, you know, the man responsible for Farnham's comeback tours and, you know, and the first person to kind of cross into the dark side and be able to speak on behalf of the Australian musician when it comes to, you know, their management. What were you living like, you know, because obviously your experience as a musician informed your career in talent management.
How were you living? Were people living in poverty? Were you living on couches in St Kilda?
Look, I was when we first came down, there's no doubt about that. We were head to toe in single beds, based in a union, you know, trying to flap together in Beaconsfield Parade, St Kilda, in a little hostel type place. It was hand to mouth, there's no doubt about it. We lived by, you know, pinching bottles of milk off people's porches and bread from the Bella Cava Bakery. And, you know, it was survival of the fittest in those days.
But the Masters became a little bit easier. But there were still issues with management that I had at the time, which is why I ended up becoming not only the bass player for the Masters, but also the manager, because I had to sack our manager. I mean, he was not doing a very good job.
It turns out he was the same manager for John Farnham. That's where I met John. We were flatmates together in St Kilda and managed by the same guy.
But it all happened to be, oddly enough, in Brisbane, my hometown. And here I was playing at the Festival Hall in Brisbane with the Masters apprentices, sold out. And in the audience was my mother, proud as punch to see the old man, her son, up on stage.
But unfortunately, the kids were going crazy. They were hysterical. They all stormed the stage and ripped all my clothes off, ripped all Jim Key's clothes off, and the police came and closed us down because they thought we were indecently exposed. And, but the crowd just went crazy and they shut the show down.
And then I remember walking backstage, stepping over all these fainted dead bodies of young girls that were just passed out and fainted. And they're all lying on the floor, had to step over them.
And all I could remember was the promoter running and going, we had a bigger crowd than the Beatles. And I thought, hang on, a bigger crowd than the Beatles. And I got back that night to Lennon's hotel. I had to go through the foyer with carrying my guitar in a bit and just dressed in jocks because I had no clothes, they were all ripped off me. And I got into my room. I'm still sweating from the show. My ears are ringing because the noise from the kids was so loud. And all I could think about was a bigger crowd than the Beatles.
I started to put two and two together, but hang on. We just got paid the princely sum of $200, but we had to fly ourselves up. I basically, by the time we invited that before, that's $50. I locked $70 in my pink velvet suit that was ripped off me. So I'd lost money that night and I'm in the headline attraction. And I thought, what's wrong with this picture? And the penny dropped for me that night. And I started to think, you know, this is ridiculous.
Our manager sold us up here for 200 bucks with a headline attraction. The promoter's running around going, you bloody beauty. He's made a fortune with a sold out show.
So that night I devised what we call the door deal. I started thinking, hang on, first of all, rule number one, manager's got to go. Two, I'm going to take over. And three, I'm going to devise, there's no such thing as a set fee for the Masters apprentices anymore.
I want a percentage of the gate. I want a percentage of the door and the more we draw, the more we should earn.
That made sense to me. It made perfect sense.
And so from there on in, we were going up for door deals. We didn't have a set fee and my life changed. I mean, I got into the management side of the business and basically I've been in it ever since.
So I'll just go back to that, that, that event there that, um, you know, it's now known as a Fortitude hall festival hall. It was called back then in the middle of Fortitude Valley. You were saying that they, you know, what, they had a bigger crowd in the Beatles, around 7,000 people jammed into that venue, $5 a ticket. So by today's standards, and I've done the, uh, I've done the inflation model here that was up, there was close to half, half a rock, half a million dollars in today's money and the promoter was rolling in it.
I mean, was there a, tell me about the, uh, how you were received in this industry when you started, uh, when you started rocking the boat and obviously ruining a very good thing they had going for them. Well, I mean, I did the same thing for John Farmham cause he had the same manager and I said to John at the time, he said, you're going to have to sack your manager too, cause I know John was going up for a flat fee and John was all over the place. He was Johnny Farmham then he was Sadie the cleaning lady.
He was the king. He was doing the shopping centers for his centers. He was doing working three different States in a day and he's going up for a flat flat fee. So I said the same thing to him.
You gotta be commensurate to your drawing power is to what your fee should be. It should be, it should not be a fixed number. It depends on how many people are there and what the costs are for the promoter and give the promoter a fair whack, but don't let him take the gate. We should be getting the majority of the gate.
And that was, uh, I think John, you know, unfortunately for his manager, he shacked him too. So there was certainly change going in, in the industry. I mean, we'd come from a cottage industry to actually getting into serious business now. So, you know, and so things had to change with the times and, and I think I had a little bit to do with it. Well, you, you also played a major role in getting the FM radio kind of, uh, a bandwidth, I guess, off the ground. I have a lot to do with that.
I mean, FM radio, we broke little river. I broke little river band in America on FM radio and on coming home to Australia, still listen to two SM three HY and it's all I am ready. And I think, well, why don't we have FM radio in Australia? So I spent the next two years of my life walking parliament house carpet, threadbare talking to any politician, any department of communications, anybody who wanted to hear me try and convince them that we needed to have FM radio in Australia. The problem we had was 50 years ago, the government gave the, the, the FM band away to essential services that is fire, police and ambulance.
And my job was to try and convince them. You got to take these guys, put the essential services up on UHF, where they belong, free up the FM band, and we've got a whole new business. And it took me two years, but I was able to convince him. And then the government said, we've worked out how to do it all now. Thank you very much.
Now the tender is going to go out and I actually won the Melbourne tender for the first FM commercial FM license in Australia and the race was on because they'd also given the license out in Sydney, Adelaide, Brisbane and Perth and Melbourne. So the race was on. I wanted to be the first to go to where I called my station EON FM. And we were by hell and the high over high water. I wanted to be the first and we were, we got to where on July 7th, 1980. And we were the first commercial as EON FM to go to where, I mean, we had the studio, believe it or not, was basically made of egg cartons and as soundproofing, held up by chicken wire, held up by soldering iron, still soldering and alligator clips. That's all I remember is alligator clips that put this station to air. But we got to air in the most incredible circumstances. And the first song we played was New Kid in Town and we launched commercial FM radio in Australia.
Did you find yourself from going from musician to disruptor to the promotions industry and management industry? And then you find yourself in a position where you're now running EON radio. How did it feel to kind of transition into power broker status? Well, it got bigger than that. I mean, from EON FM, I ended up buying two triple M in Sydney and then combined EON, I then changed EON's name to triple M. I bought FM 104 of Christopher's case in Brisbane. I turned that into triple M. I bought Adelaide station that I turned into triple M. I was actually built the start of what is now famously the triple M network.
So, I mean, that was heady stuff. That was the eighties. I mean, that was the transition that I had to go through. I went from a mom and pop store as little weekly communications, borrowing literally hundreds of millions of dollars. And it was easy in those days. It was the eighties.
What can I say?
Money was around. Just had to pay for it. It was 18 percent interest in those days. But the money was there. The money was there to buy these these acquisitions.
And I did. But my big mistake was I ended up floating on the stock exchange as a public company. And I lost control. And Austereo eventually came in and bought me out. And I lost my little triple M's broke my heart.
But it was again a sign of the times. It was just the way the eighties were. It was big money, big interest rates, but lots of money.
And these deals were I proved that they were achievable because, I mean, I didn't come from a business background at all. I came from a musical background. And my learning curve in those days was extraordinary.
But it had to be because all of a sudden, particularly when I became a public company, listed on the stock exchange. Oh, my lordy lord. You got annual general meetings. You got shareholders, you know, thousands of shareholders. So all of a sudden my life became deadly serious.
And were you surrounded by, you know, obviously you go from, I guess, being surrounded by rock stars who, I guess, are some of the greatest yes men you'll have around you. But what was it like dealing with, you know, the suck ups of big business? Who could who could actually see that you were onto something? Well, I did get accepted by big business. There's no doubt about them.
And all of a sudden they had to take this little pop star seriously because I was dealing with the biggest radio network in the country. And I was dealing at that time with two triple M, the most powerful station in the country. I had Doug Mulway, you know, doing breakfast and it became legendary. Doug and the station became legendary. And so did my old little Eon FM, you know, now called triple M in Melbourne.
So it was serious business. And FM was the growth business, of course, at that time. I mean, we took about five years before we overtook AM radio as preferred music stations. Because why? Because we were in stereo and it was a high quality broadcast signal and much better than low band AM radio. So it was all of a sudden, I mean, the Titans, the two SMs, you know, of the world were being all of a sudden taken over by the triple M's. And FM had finally become of age. And yes, business did have to put their hand up and accept us.
And in the early days, we couldn't even join the Federation of what was called Federation of Radio Broadcasts in those days. They didn't allow the FM station owners to become members. It was an AM dominated society. But in the end, they had to let us in because we were the dominant players.
Yes. So was there a while there where you were struggling to get anyone to do your ratings? Yes.
I mean, that was the problem. I mean, we couldn't even get accepted for our ratings. It took about three years before we got into the rating system. And lo and behold, we I mean, it took us about five years before I got Eon FM to number one. And I mean, all of a sudden, the new kids had really arrived.
I mean, we were taking AM out at that particular point. As far as music is concerned, I mean, AM is still very acceptable. I mean, 2GB, they're essentially talk stations because it's hard to put music on an AM station and compete with FM. That's the problem. Yeah, unless it's classical, of course. That's the last thing remaining on AM.
And from there, you were how would you fill out your day? Was it all radio, radio, radio, or were you still or are you still working with your Farnhams in your house?
My life was insane. Not only was I doing all those triple M's around the country, I was looking after Australian Call, Little River Band, John Farnham, Mondo Rock, Ross Wilson, pseudo echo, real life. My God, are you serious, Glenn? I mean, I was I was all over the place. I mean, my life had gone from I mean, I'd taken on too much.
There's no doubt about it.
And then, of course, I decided to get into sport management. So I'm now managing golfers like Ian Baker Finch, watching him being with him when he wins the British Open, Wayne Grady golfer when he wins the PGA in America, Peter Brock when he's winning Bathurst, I manage all these people as well.
Are you serious? Ben Wheatley, Jesus Christ.
I mean, I mean, seriously, it was it was extraordinary. And my life was a merry-go-round. I had to sort of take a little bit of stock in myself because hubris had taken over my life. I mean, all I wanted to do was build this giant empire of radio and management and do everything. And it was too much.
And had I not taken stock? I have to say, I mean, I would not have been able to keep my marriage together and and things like that that were so important. I mean, I had young children that I'd never seen. I was never there. I wasn't even there for the christenings.
I was either at the British Open or as with Little River Band in Boise, Idaho, or Australian Call at the Corumban Beach Club. You know, I mean, I mean, what? So I I actually took a bit of a fall and I needed to. I needed I needed the correction. I was doing too much. And as I said, hubris just got in my way and I was not a nice person. I realized that my life was just I was just possessed. Were you living hard as well?
Or was that was that one of your skill sets that you actually knew when to leave the after party? I was always the first to arrive and the first to leave at the after party. There's no doubt about that. I did not I couldn't burn those candles at both ends. So I was always the first to leave the parties. There's no doubt about that.
But I mean, look, like, you know, there was I drank too much. I smoked too much. Everything was in excess.
And and something had to give. And it did, thankfully, because I'm still the most happily married man I know and the kids still think I'm the king. Yeah, well, that's that's that was a lot of a lot of egos to manage around to manage as well as managing your home life. That's another thing I want to kind of talk about, because that does affect I guess that would affect you and it's your job to manage excellence. And they talk a lot about the madness of excellence.
And it sounds like, you know, Michael Jordan and Donald Bradman wouldn't have been the type of blokes you'd want to take fishing. No. What did you find?
And that there's a crossover between sport and music in that regard, where the best of the best are quite often possessed. How do you manage some of those personalities? Little River Band, for example, was like managing World War three. That was insane that the egos that those six members had, I mean, all trying to get their own songs onto the album.
And it was it was insane that looking out for that bad Australian call. I mean, James Rand is the nicest guy in the world these days. But in those days, James Rand was a pillock. I mean, he was impossible to deal with it with Australian call.
And then then you get you get the other thing. You got the Peter Boxer. People just go.
He was a flawed genius. I mean, he was weird, but he was a genius and he was the best at what he did. Inspiring, you know, I mean, that's what I loved. You sort of put up with the insanity because of the creativity and the geniusness of all of these people. They're all talented in their own right, you know, whatever, in their vocations. But he was some of them, some of them, they're tricky.
And your job is putting out fires, I guess, everywhere, everywhere. I think you come father confessor. You know, you know, I spent so much time, particularly with LRB. I mean, the number of times the Grand Shorrock resigned, the number of times the B. Burdles resigned, the number of times the Grand Gobel resigned. And I go, listen, you guys, you're at the peak of your life here, particularly Little River Band. We sold twenty two million albums with LRB, essentially in America.
And here they are. I'm standing in between them like it's World War Three every night. And I guess it's because we're in each other's pockets.
You're traveling all day in those days, in those buses, you know, that are just full of dormitory beds. And after every you finish your show, you get on the bus and you drive another 300 miles to the next city. And then you get it there.
Someone got there in the morning. We shower at the venue. We didn't even have hotel rooms those days. We just lived on the bus.
I mean, and that was before there was mobile phones. So there's no calling home.
There's no you know, it was tough, mate. It was it was and we were pioneering our way across America. But tearing each other apart, doing it.
Well, you managed to maintain. Obviously, part of your job is maintaining these relationships. But you are quite you know, in the mainstream, you're associated with, you know, managing Farnam with his comeback album.
Were you the one behind all of the different comeback tours? This is the last time. Well, let me correct that. There was only one comeback tour and that was the last time. No, no, no, the comeback tour was the one after the last time tour. But unfortunately, the last time tour started out as being the last time.
It was a regional tour. I had two big tops that were going up. You know what? Four polar big tops that held 4000 people, these giant tents. And I had two of them piggybacking across Australia while we're playing in one. The other ones going into the next city and being set up, waiting for us to get into the next city.
And it was the last time for Carafa, for Geraldton, for Kalgoorlie. Yes, we were saying goodbye. I mean, no one could afford Farnam was the only one that could do the business in those sort of places to pay for this monumental cost of running two big tops across the country. But unfortunately, the last time end up filtering into the cap cities. And that was the rock that I perished on because I've had to live it down ever since that we still call, you know, the last time that was winner.
You idiot, Glenn. What was I thinking? I mean, I still had the neon sign of the last time stuck up in my study at home here in Cremorne as a constant reminder. Glenn, never say never again.
Don't you know, the last time I came back to orders because everyone said, oh, he's coming back, you know, Dane Nelly Melba. You know, he just never, you know, he's coming back again.
No, we never went away. Is that is the problem. We never went away from the cap cities. But everybody thinks we did.
And that's why every time we did not till we just copped it, you know, oh, the last time you were doing a regional tour like that. And then and then you accidentally did a few last time shows in major cities.
Farnam had never let it down. He had full intention of visiting again. Oh, yeah, we there's no way we're going to be here. We are selling out Rod Laverina's like we've done can you believe we've done 98 Rod Laverina's. John Farnam.
I mean, no one.
I mean, Pink banging on about her 30 shows. Hey, Darlan, you got a long way to go yet.
Yes, it's the old man here. We've done three times your numbers. And that's, you know. But but no, well, that was that was a glaive error on my behalf that we sort of carried over into the cap cities as you know, the last one. Oh, what was I thinking? It's a good little gimmick. Old funds he's got now, because because no one really expects it to be the last time, but they'll go anyway. No, I mean, the next time that when it really is the last one, they're all going to go. Yeah, right.
The boy cried wolf.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Bullshit. We've heard that before. So what are you up to nowadays? I mean, we mentioned it off, Mike, as well. There was a there was a little break in your career. Yes. And look, I'm doing quite a bit, actually, but I'm still involved in radio.
I've got a couple of beautiful little FMs on the Sunshine Coast, CFN and mix FM that I've been enough bought from Austereo who bought me out of the triple M's. But they sort of had to sell because these two stations bleed into Brisbane. And because my triple M's are still there, you can only own two stations per market. So I'll still have to sell something. They weren't going to sell me back triple M in Brisbane. So they sold me the two Sunshine Coast stations, which I love.
I'm very proud of them. And it keeps me involved in radio. And I love radio. I just love radio. It's just it's just part of my DNA somehow.
But that's keeping me busy. Farm's going to keep me busy. We still got a big monster tour that I'm trying to do that I can't confirm because of Covid and we put it back three times now.
At the moment, don't have a starting date. I may have to be I mean, we were going to reduce something in October, November. But you know what? The borders closed and everything. I can't confirm it. So maybe early next year or maybe mid next year. I don't know.
But Covid has decimated our business. There's no doubt about it. And it's difficult for us to get started again. I mean, it's interesting listening to your career and all the you know, never once would have had to imagine in the 80s a hurdle like Covid-19. Do you kind of you feel like it's a baptism of fire for young people getting into this industry now? Just they get to see everything that can go wrong up front. Yes, Covid has really hurt us. There's no doubt about it.
And I mean, there are some people going out. But I mean, the American tours, they're not going to happen. You have to come out here and quarantine for two weeks. Yeah, they're not going to do that. I mean, you hear stories of American, particularly the rappers are thinking of they think that they are they find out almost at the gate that there's this two week quarantine thing in a hotel.
Yeah, that wasn't in the brochure. Yeah, no, it's it's not good. No, look, I mean, I feel for Paul Davey.
I mean, what's he going to do with Guns N' Roses? I mean, you put Guns N' Roses in the hotel for two weeks. They'll fucking burn it to the ground.
You're serious. I can't see it happening. Unfortunately, I mean, those sort of things. I mean, it's too hard.
Put the actual roses in a hotel for two weeks with the rest of the band and lock them up.
Oh, gee. So you you I guess you got to see, as you were saying, it was the 80s. You could almost do anything.
You didn't have covered 19. You didn't have all these restrictions. You didn't have noise compliance for many of the inner city venues. No, we got away with with with murder.
And in those days, but I mean, it was it was sort of look, it was exciting because I mean, I mean, I bought two triple for 90 million dollars. Yeah. Hello. I didn't have 90 million dollars. But I did. I found it.
In the end, I'm getting the bank's call and he said, Flynn, why didn't you come to me? I'm going, oh, oh, I'll come to you next time.
I mean, I was throwing money at everybody. I mean, it was so easy to get.
And that was the 80s. God, I miss the 80s.
Can you tell me some of the some of the interesting units?
And you said before you did business with Scace. Was it in the midst of all of this? There was a lot of cowboys. It sounds like you were you were living pretty close to that life. But at the end of the day, you were still you're still being pretty open and upfront with the banks. I'm sure a lot of people thought I was the original cowboy.
I mean, this rock and roll with hair down to his shoulders, you know, long, blond hair, like what?
And you want how much 90 million? I mean, to buy a watch, a radio station. I mean, but I did. I found it. And you know what?
They still stacked up. All these acquisitions are based on multiples of earnings. And it's a simple equation at the end of the day. And FM was making, you know, what to pay 90 million dollars because they were making 10 million dollars a year profit. Yeah, it was a simple little, you know, a question of seven or eight times multiple. And that equation still equates today. It's still it's still in place today. But just different scales of revenues, that's all.
But in those days, FM was just on fire. And so it was insane when I think about it. I mean, how the banks used to line up and beg me to give, have them give me money. I mean, think about it. Me, that's just unbelievable. I mean, it sounds like you were lucky you didn't get involved in the White Shoe Brigade and start building a few high rises on the Gold Coast, mate. Oh, I dealt with them all. I mean, dealing with Christopher's case was was was it was interesting. I mean, to say the least.
I mean, he was he was tricky. And he played the art of blinkmanship all the time.
I mean, I'd be having a meeting set up with him to try and buy FM 104, which I changed in the triple M in Brisbane. But FM 104 was the number one FM station at the time. And I'd bring all my financial people up for a meeting and we get to the floor of his marble palace office and, you know, that blue fucking marble.
And so Chris was not here. I said, well, hang on. I just saw him. I just saw him at the back. He's here. I know he's not here. And I was I I couldn't believe the games that he used to play.
So you knew what was going on. And I'm sitting here with all my financial guys come up as well. And they're right here.
You're Port Douglas or you're in Brisbane. No, no, in Brisbane.
But I end up spending I actually end up being very close to Christopher because I bought the first condo that he built in Sheraton Mirage. I bought it as a slab on the ground because I walked over this thing. This is the best location. So I put my ten thousand dollars lousy down deposit on this slab. He called me and I said, that's mine. And I said, well, your people have already copped my ten thousand dollars deposit.
And he said, no, but that's the one I want. So well, you're building it. Why don't you put your dibs in first? Anyway, I said, no, I got it. So I said, I want the one next door to me to farm them. They said, no, I'm taking that.
So he quickly put his money down and stopped me giving the next door combo to Farnham. So Christopher's case ended up becoming my neighbour. And I mean, and I have to say, you know, we actually became quite good friends to all of this after I spent so much money buying his radio stations.
But he made Farnham the head of the face of Channel seven and and all that sort of stuff that he was doing and Mirage. I mean, we're doing all these openings at Mirage. But it was I mean, again, that was all the height of hubris.
I mean, I used to start to balance myself with, you know, is this something Christopher's case would do? You know, like fly commercial, you know? No, he flies jets or private jet. So for a while there, I'm flying around the private jets because this is the sort of thing that Christopher's case did. And that was when I knew I had lost the plot. I'm now I'm now basing myself on what Christopher's case lifestyle was.
So did I get crazy? Yes, I got crazy. I mean, I had to take myself away and not become what Christopher's case was and the white shoe brigade.
You're absolutely right. Well, it's all adds up to an amazing career now. You're you're outside of COVID. You're actually you said you're in Melbourne. You're safe for now. Yeah.
Well, now the universe want to make me a chart act again. But they've re-released my old Masters Apprentices Choice Cuts album that I recorded in Abbey Road 50 years ago, 15 years to the month. So that's that's what you're doing for now. I'm the universe want to make me a chart act again. Start it all again back on stage, you reckon? Yeah, I mean, I got a summer's time to be a break to get a chart act.
You've got to look at me and go, oh, come on, get off it, Dad. Jesus Christ, you're a bit round the bend now.
I mean, 50 years this album has been out. But anyway, it actually still sounds OK. And it's released, I think, today. And Universal are quite excited about it.
And they've got me doing that, doing the rounds now. Here I am trying to be a pop star again. Yeah, no, we're glad to get you.
It's 50 years since, you know, Masters Apprentices.
So Choice Cuts, it was recorded in Abbey Road, Abbey Road. And it was that was the peak of my life. And I was like 22 in London, swinging 16.
I got to tell you now that was that was a trip. I mean, I got to tell you. And and for us, the smart arse will be, hey, we're recording it every road. You know, the Beatles studio, you know. And did you get your did you get your own photo on the zebra crossing or what? Oh, we did all of that. Of course you did.
You know, who's going to be Paul? It's going to be Winkle. Who's going to take the shoes off?
Oh, no, no, we did all of that, you know, but now that it was it's actually a good album and I'm actually quite proud of it. It's one of those things where I was very pleased to, you know, to have had the experience of recording it every road. There's no doubt about that. That was that was exciting. I mean, that was incredible. So and we had the same engineer, Jeff Emerick, you know, as the Beatles. So so we're going, oh, my God, you know, this is good.
But it was there was a good era and a good period of my life. And something I look back on with fond memories and I'm very happy to see the old choice cups getting a second run on vinyl. Here we go again, just like the old days. Did you find when you look back at the music that that was like, even though you were head to toe in hostile beds, that was probably the least stressful kind of era of your career? Yeah, look, we were fearless. You know, you just get in life. I mean, it was it was different then. And I mean, in those days, you got your new single.
You just take it straight to the radio station. You go down to see Stan Rofe. Nine o'clock at night. Knock on the door three years ahead. Stand to let you in. And here we are in the studio and standing on.
I'm going to play that record. Stan thinks his record's so nice. He's going to play it twice. Let me play it again.
I mean, it doesn't happen these days. You can't even get into the bloody radio stations. Let alone be in there with the with the jocks in the studio at nine o'clock at night and playing your stuff live.
I mean, it was a whole different world. And it was we're all naive. But it was fun and it was it was uncalculated. You know, now it's it's a serious business. And there's a formula that everyone has to work to. And that's all algorithms. And, you know, everything is everything is sort of changed.
I always sort of miss a little bit of the old days of some of my age now. But, you know, it was a gut feel business in those days. It's no longer seems to me to be a gut feel anymore. It's all based on it's all based on algorithms and numbers on commercial Facebook or that we didn't have in our day. I mean, I was just joking. I used to be in the retail business.
I remember with Little River Band, the last two albums in America, we shipped and sold one million albums on day one. Looper Catcher, one million copies of First Under the Wire on day one.
We were you know why? Because you're not streaming.
You want a record? You're going to have to go and buy it. And if you live in America, you got to go drive 20 miles to your local Wal-Mart to buy this record.
We were in the retail business. We're no longer in the retail business. We're in the streaming business and it's a whole different world. And we've had to adapt. You know, we've had to try and live with these new rules and just go with the flow here because it's no longer selling units and widgets. We're streaming.
This is all digital. It's a different you know, we're looking at numbers now, but not not physical numbers that you can actually hold in your hand and sell. That is unless, of course, you are going to go and pick yourself up a vinyl copy of Choice Cuts. The master's apprentice says this is it and make Wheatley a chart act again.
Bring it back.
Thank you for joining us, Glenn. That was a hell of a yarn. It was a great, great little insight into an amazing career you've had and all the best with the return to the form, return to the charts.
Well, thank you, mate. And can I just say I love the Batutah advocates. I love you guys. I love your work. I don't miss a beat with what you guys do. So congratulations to you as well. You're doing well. Thanks, mate.
Well, maybe we'll maybe we'll link up down there at Beaconsfield Avenue, St Kilda sometime.
Yeah. And you promised me your book. Yeah. We'll send it to you. Thank you. Yeah.
Thanks, Glenn. Thank you very much, Glenn. See you, mate. |
cracked | 6_viral_videos_that_qualify_as_child_abuse_cracked_tv | Hey everybody, welcome to episode 5 of Crack TV, where saying witty acronyms is my mission. Mission accomplished. With me, as always, is my co-host, Clips of Asian People Inflating. How you doing today, Clippy? I think you might be right, Dennis Dunn.
The moon is in the 7th house, and that means today's topic is 6 acts of child abuse caught on film. You want to have sex with kids? No? Who's proud parents aim to change all that?
Need some more? You'd be surprised how long I can keep doing this. Don't worry ladies, there's plenty for you too.
God, you know, I can't think of anything creepier to do to your kid. Eliza is still breastfed when she asks. Nevermind. Bethany and Eliza like to express their feelings about breastfeeding in drawings or pictures. I'm not calling this woman a child molester. I'm just saying that when your kids are drawing pictures of your boobs, a call from the guidance counsellor can't be far behind. Of course, we're understandably concerned.
We may draw pictures of them, it's quite interesting. Oh, so you've seen the drawings.
Every woman has a breast that's slightly larger than the other, so that's always featured in there. I don't really need to know that. You know, they don't care that they're stretch marked and saggy and wobble and everything. Everything that my breasts do and aren't, they just love to draw. The nipples are very long. Well, I don't have long nipples, but clearly for them there is some significance in the nipples.
Matthew, Mark, Luke, John, Axe, Romans, Persia, 2nd Corinthians, Galatians, Ephesians, yeah. There's a reason that most parts of this video are still photos. This clip resulted in more playground beatings than my ill-fated D&D and Tea Club. Even when they do drug up a kid enough to get them to sing, they have to disguise their voices. Hey boys and girls, y'all wanna have some fun? Except this girl. In the New Testament, yeah. But even as a teaching tool, this video utterly fails. These kids now think that the word Bible is spelled B-I, which also spells New Testament. By the way, does footage remind you of anything? I rest my case.
Fuck your mother. Fuck her.
I'm gonna blow this motherfucker up if I don't get my motherfucking chair. You're a bitch and I'm fucking an asshole and an asshole and a bitch. Shut up you little fag muffin, go suck your dad's car. Look, I'm all four kids cursing. It's hilarious. Fuck your penis. But as a robot, designed specifically to host this show, I'm probably not the best judge. To me, children are just small, underdeveloped humans suited to manual labor and cramped spaces. Ah fuck! Kids, you can only curse if you're quoting something funny or starring in a movie. I'm gonna take my pants off. Fuck you Miss Daisy. Otherwise, let's try and keep it civilized.
Who's a little fucking bitch?
Batman. You know what's great about childhood? Absolutely none of it is spent reciting political talking points to a national audience. Until now. So you're 12 years old, you're from Connecticut.
I've covered both the Republican and Democratic National Conventions. I interviewed the late Tim Russer before he died.
What are you doing? Go outside. Look at you. I mean, well what's that in your ear, a jelly bean? You don't even know.
Trust me, the world can wait for your insightful political commentary. It really is historical. This is history in the making. We are making history.
You don't want to end up like this kid. He's 29 years old. Basically, to vote, you either got the Scholastic News magazine. What happened to you, Scholastic? You used to be cool.
They gave this kid one job, wishing Roseanne Barr a happy birthday. But he quickly proved that just looking like Roseanne isn't enough. Happy birthday, Roseanne.
Assuming the parents were present, I have to wonder why they didn't bail him out at the point where he started dry heaving. I mean, really? You're just going to leave your boy hanging like that? Needless to say, the director was not pleased.
Now? Yeah. Yes. Now. Now? Go now. Right now? See the thing now.
Go! Starting now. Go!
Of course, you'd be nervous too if you knew what he kept looking at. Happy birthday. Well, that does it for today's very special episode. Sad stuff, huh, Clippy? Yeah. He said it, man. And remember, if you'd like to help pick next week's topic, just spell out your idea with boulders and then email me the Google Earth coordinates.
I've been your host, Droid Michael Slam. Allow me to play you out. I am a child. I last a while. |
cracked | ding_dong_dead | Let me ask you something, son. Have you ever been killed with a doorknob before? Hi, Dan. Have a good weekend. Hey! Coworker!
Ouch, that sucked. I'm sorry, I'm just in a hurry.
Have you seen the Chief? No, he's not here, Daniel. And when he was here, I'm not his secretary, alright?
I'm a software engineer, right? My name is Stuart. Hey, isn't that Michael? Isn't that Michael sitting in there? Michael, do you guys need me? Is this a crack?
I can't be good. Well, now you have. Can I come in? It's really hot out here, and that took like 40 minutes. You know, after a certain point, I just needed to know that I could. Chief, sir, are you in there?
Has he done something to you? He put gum on the door. That usually means he's trying to keep people out.
Yeah, Dan. Yeah, that usually means that. Is it?
Michael, I'm not... You can't communicate like this. I'm not gonna live like an animal. Just let me in there. Michael, if you have someone in there, whether imaginary or gagged or whatever, I just need to know. Just tell me. I'm not gonna write that back to you.
Cool. So I hired the deadliest assassin in the world to track you. Then I tracked him. It's called time management. I really have to go to the bathroom, and I've had the piss since before I killed the deadliest assassin in the world.
You're probably wondering... Where am I supposed to go now? The sink? How about the fucking desert? How about literally anywhere?
You know what, I think I can arc it in through the doorknob hole, assuming I left the toilet seat up. Shit, I can't tell. Fuck it, I'm going for it. Oh, bad call. I think this is bone gas murder, which I don't know. That can't be good, right? I guess I expected more of it to be drawings. I think I might take the stairs, actually.
And now the chief's missing, apparently? I'm not really going to take the stairs so you can just stop talking. Sorry. I just wanted to vent.
Isn't it so nice that we can do that now, since we're... And then you finish the sentence. My tone is implying that you fill in the...
Dating! We're dating.
Oh my god. Right. I keep forgetting. I've been, uh, blogging the love poetry to prove it. Ew. Oh.
I guess you can come by my place tomorrow night. You can fix my dryer. What so ere my love requires so tends my heart's dark desires. Okay, cool. Accommodate. I won't be there. Be sure to call Locksmith and have him change the locks on your way out. Will do! So that's the story. I'm going to be gone for a while and I thought, who better to fill in for me?
Well, if I say no, you'll just shrink down, crawl into my brain and change my mind. No, I can't do that. Someone just said it at a party and it stuck. Well, then you'll go back in time. Sure, back in time. Alright, well if you're forcing me to do this, then I'll do it.
But I want my own office. You guys always have such bad lighting. So I got a ruined wedding cake to my left side. One pissed off ambassador to my right and the only way out? Waterslide.
Hey, it's Dan. It's Dan.
If I'm reading this right, you're threatening to release a bone gas and murder the world? Is that... Yeah? Don't do that, and if so... Nah, I was just bluffing. All my bone gases are inherently unstable. I'm just doing more and more like a super villain every day. Oh, Michael, do you think you're talking to the chief in here? No. That's Dan. I'm not stupid.
It's a lamp with a plan in front of it. A lamp with a plan in front of it?
This is my friend Dan. Alright, I'm in. Anything I should know about the staff? Yeah. Never leave them alone for too long. Two have been doing in here this whole time. Allow me to answer that question with a meth lab. Michael! Out of the chief's office? Jesus. Alright, this is... We can fix this.
How much have you made? Who have you sold it to? And how many murders have you left to commit in California?
Is it eight? Okay. Alright, you're throwing a lot of riddles at me here, so let's just... Questions aren't riddles. Uh-huh. What? Right. Michael. Hello.
I'm the new Sarge. I'll be filling in for the chief indefinitely.
Alright, we get it. Alright, you two. Carry on.
Chiefs look different to you. A lamp with a plan in front of it? |
dropout | there_s_meat_hiding_in_every_food | Yogurt, beans, veggie burgers, a vegetarian paradise. Are you sure? Don't you know that burger's got Worcestershire sauce in it? And where there's Worcestershire, there's anchovy. What?
Secret meat? Secret meat. Oh yeah baby, there's secret meat all over this table.
Okay, what about these beans, huh? Beans are literally a vegetable. A vegetable laced with pork?
What? It's called lysine. Where? Google it. Come on! What about this juice, huh? Cochineal. What? It's a food dye. So? Beetles. Secret meat. Oh my God!
Really? Seriously? Who even thought of this?
This is rude. Silly Rekha.
Your whole world is meat. From the bladders in your beer, and the tallow in your detergent, to the fat in your plastic bags, and the bacon, in every single dessert you ever had in 2016. Every single one? Every single one.
Meat is hidden everywhere Rekha. Your world is just different facets, shapes, and forms of meat. And you? Why, you're just a hungry, stupid bag of meat. I'm meat?
No! There has to be something! If you look hard enough, if you read your labels, if you ask the right questions, you will always be able to find amazing animal-free dining. Really? Nah, everything's laced with beaver anus or some shit like that.
I'm just so hungry. Hi, it's Rekha.
There is a lot of blanket play. It's a lot of blankets, a lot of, oh, I got you a gift.
Oh, let me tuck you into bed. So sign up for your free trial today, and it was so great meeting you. If you want to share some of those candy bars over wine sometime, I am available. You get 125, I can get 125. I know, it's just an idea. |
TheOnion | The_Onion_Reviews_Wonder_Woman_1984 | The time will come, Diana, and everything will be different. This is Peter Rosenthal, head film critic for The Onion. Today, on a special socially distanced episode, I'll be looking at the latest film in the DC extended universe, Wonder Woman 1984, a lush and energetic superhero feature whose faithful recreation of the 1980s will be a revelation for viewers such as myself who spent that decade in a coma. A direct sequel to 2017's Wonder Woman, 1984 finds Gal Gadot's immortal demigoddess, Diana, pitted against a friend turned rival, Barbara Minerva, in a fight to recover the ancient artifact of the Dreamstone. It's an inventive tale set against an 80s backdrop so expertly rendered that it allows audience members like myself to feel like they truly experienced the decade for the first time, despite spending those years lying in a hospital bed with a feeding tube jammed into their throat.
I was just walking out of a screening of the China syndrome, minding my own business, and bam! A mail truck decks me out of nowhere. And when I wake up, the Soviet Union is falling, Sammy Davis Jr. is dead, and something called hip hop is on every radio station. Made no sense.
That is, until I saw Wonder Woman, 1984. What makes the film so winning outside of Patty Jenkins' signature directorial flourishes is a supporting cast that features a star-making turn by Pedro Pascal as Maxwell Lord, a sleazy businessman embodying one of the most archetypal 80s bad guys and a figure that, until now, I could never understand when watching films like Wall Street due to my persistent vegetative state. Thanks to Wonder Woman, 1984, I can now fill in that gap in my memory. These sleazy Wall Street characters are driven by the greed pervasive in the 80s. They slicked back their hair because of the era's vanity. It's all so obvious now. Unfortunately, the film's final act collapses under its own narrative weight, leaving audiences to wonder if the filmmakers might have better used this screen time to add to their richly conceived 80s tapestry by perhaps dealing more explicitly with what happened with the Challenger disaster or the Iran-Contra scandal or, say, setting a scene at Glenview High School's 1989 commencement where the Salutatorian was my daughter, Leanne Rosenthal. God, what I wouldn't have given to see her grow up. Ultimately, while Wonder Woman, 1984 is a delight for comic book die-arts and casual viewers alike, the tale veers too far into typical Hollywood sentimentality with the reintroduction of Diana's love interest, Steve Trevor, who was presumed dead in the first film, a much more relatable love story for those like myself who spent three of their coma years with a supportive spouse mourning by their side, only for the stress of separation and the cruel march of time to drive that same spouse to pick up a pillow and attempt the ultimate betrayal before three trained nurses pulled her off.
For the Onion's Film Standard, I'm Peter Rosenthal. |
dropout | the_guy_who_had_a_crazy_night | What up dude? Say, where have you been? Yeah, you missed that 11 o'clock meeting. Oh, guys, I had the craziest night last night. Like you always do. Seriously, just... Okay, what does that even mean? You never explain yourself. I don't even know what to begin.
Really, like, music was like so fucking loud. Like, just, mm, and it was crazy. No, no, that's not an explanation. It was crazy, but also, it was insane. Because, like, there were dudes swinging from the ceiling. I mean, come on, is that not so crazy and weird?
Okay, well, when I texted you to remind you about this meeting, you just sent this picture with, ah. Dude, yes, I forgot I even took that. That's how fucking local it was there last night. All right, so last night, last night, I, last night, I ended up in a tent.
Oh, why? I was like, what? Go on. What, you don't think that's crazy? Keep going, like, I know people who have been in tents. That is not by itself, unexplainably crazy.
Dudes, I'm sorry, man. I would've invited you guys, seriously, but a bunch of people ended up getting in this, like, tiny-ass car. Did you go to a rave? Nah. Did you do, like, a bunch of Coke in a club? Nah, man, that's not me. I don't know, did you go to a live taping of The Man Show? Oh, Stan Hope is my dude, but no. Jesus Christ, Ray, what did you do? Okay, come on, man.
Cut me some slack here, all right? I'm still trying to make sense of it myself, okay? Like, all I know is there's, like, a motorcycle involved. There's a woman who's put her legs behind her head, you know what I mean? Like, it was just, like, crazy, you know?
Trey, saying you had a crazy night does not magically make you unaccountable. You're an inconsiderate asshole.
Whatever, you know what? I live my life, okay? If I'm in a room and there's an elephant, I'm gonna look at it, okay? Like, I have my head in my phone while there's a dude with his head and a lion's mouth. You know what? Just live your lives in the moment, okay?
For once. Trey, did you go to a circus? Yes! I was in bed by 10 p.m. and I got 15 hours of sleep. God damn it, Trey! I would've gone.
Thanks for watching. Click here to subscribe to College Humor and here to watch more videos where you can catch all the labs. What was that, man? |
dropout | If_Google_Was_a_Guy_Quarantine_Edition | How islands stay put Nothing about coronavirus The quarantine Islands have anchors Mojito recipes So you're going to need mint Don't have it Lime Don't have it Club soda Don't have it And rum Woo mojitos Online yoga class Good for you staying in shape Online Zumba class Regular exercise is a great stress reliever Online CrossFit class Just be careful to Online chiropractor class Pace yourself The rate of spread in foreign countries The US government response Exclamation point, but for quiet Chicken A lot of grocery stores are sold out So you're going to need to get creative Farms near me Good thinking Some farms will deliver vegetables right to your door Stealing chickens Not that creative How to wash hands Soap is one of the best weapons we have against the virus Means These are pretty funny actually Jewels hands? But for how to wash hands She didn't Calculate volume sphere Why not ask a parent for some homeschooling Uh, calculate volume sphere These hands are washed like so With water first and then with soap This Bad news Animal Crossing real estate Not a real thing Dollar to turnip exchange rate How long quarantine? This says two months Months? This says six months Oh my god And this says 2021 I have longer if you want Animal shelter? Animal shelters are struggling right now So it's a great time to bring home a quarantine buddy Adopting a chicken Not that creative Time of day 4pm Day of week Thursday Month of year April 2020 can suck Mike Huh, so you know the year What do I do? Do the five Wash your hands often Cough into your elbow Don't touch your face Keep a safe distance from others And stay home You're touching your face I suddenly can't stop Flat curve theory Finally Flatten the curve means that If we practice social distancing We can control the spread of the virus over time Keeping hospitals from being overwhelmed And saving lives Sorry, flat earth theory Oh god I need a mojito Miami beach parties You realize how irresponsible this is? I'm 22 You could still give the virus to someone older than you Or someone immunocompromised Or die from it yourself No one is completely safe Sexy hazmat suits Stay home How to feel normal Look it's normal to not feel normal We've never gone through anything like this as a modern society So go easy on yourself And look for pleasant distractions Exclamation point but for quiet Let's find out These hands are washed like soap With water first and then with soap Scrub back and forth and to and fro For at least 30 seconds |
TheBetootaAdvocate | Ep_219_Jimmy_Carr | You're listening to Errol Parker and Clancy Overill, editors of The Batooter Advocate on Desert Rock FM. Thank you for joining us on The Batooter Advocate radio show, recording live here from Desert Rock FM studios in Outback Queensland Channel Country. You're joined by myself, Clancy Overill, editor of The Batooter Advocate and today in this interview I will be sparring alongside Wendell Hussey, The Eternal Cadet. Thank you for joining us, Wendell. We are very excited because today we're interviewing a hero to many Australians, certainly to many Poms.
His name is Jimmy Carr, he's a red hot comic from up there in what is now a very, very hot place, but usually quite a cold and windy place known as England. I'm just looking at his tour dates, he's doing a fuckload of towns and towns that not many Australian comedians get to.
You know what, though? I hate it when people do that thing of going, oh, I'm going on tour to Australia. You say, oh, where are you going? And they say Melbourne and Sydney and go, really, motherfucker? Really? You think that's it?
You think you haven't seen shit? You've seen anything.
It's kind of frustrating, that thing, because I think if you put the work in, people will come. It's also, I reckon it might be good for the environment. I mean, I've got a carbon footprint like a fucking fracking wookie, but I reckon it might be better for the environment that I go to them rather than a thousand people from Wollongong having to travel to see me. That's a fair point.
Do you spend much time in vans or are you doing little domestics? What's going on? It sounds like we've got you now in a car. Yeah, I'm in a car. I'm on the way back from Scarborough to London. Yeah, I just did a gig on the way home, as is the life for me, man, the road.
There'll be very few vans, I'd say, in Australia. I don't know if you're familiar with the geography of your fine nation, but it's fucking massive. It's kind of comically big, Australia, and all the population are clinging to the coast for dear life. Don't wander away from the sea, boy. It is funny. If you look at London and Paris and they're all inland because they were once upon a time worried about Vikings, but Australians, you know, post-settlement, we just live on the coast and then we start complaining when the Japanese managed to get a few torpedoes into our toilets.
Yeah, you've got your own problems, I'm sure, but I don't think there's an imminent attack going. I think we can relax. So you won't be spending 12 to 13 hours travelling between regional centres and cities for your gigs, for your tour next year? I don't know. I mean, if I do, I'll be listening to your podcast, I feel sure, but no, I'll be flying around the place.
I mean, basically, I've got two shows a night for three months. I'm playing everywhere in Australia and it sold, I don't know what we did, it was something like 120,000 tickets on the first day. We sold way more tickets than we thought, which I think is partly like your ego could let you think, oh, well, I'm a pretty big deal in Australia.
I think people just want to get out of that house. I think they've had two years of Covid and lockdowns and more lockdowns and they go, right, someone's coming in the summertime, we're going, we're going out, we're going to have a laugh. I think I could turn up without the jokes and they'd have a laugh anyway. People are just desperate to be out and part of something.
Yeah, it's interesting how you're on this podcast with us and we get some big guests from time to time. I think the biggest we've had from your country and I say your country because I'm talking about your ancestry, but we have had Bob Geldof. I think that's our biggest scalps so far. He's a proper big deal. Yeah, he's an Irishman via London and he, he had an album to sell, which made sense.
You don't seem to have a show to sell. You're just bored in the back of a car right now.
Is that what's happening? No, we put on, I put on another 60,000 tickets this week. So I was going to, what I was going to do is go to Australia and then fly home to see the family and then go to Australia again. And I decided I'm not going to bother going home. Yeah, right. It's too good. I'll stay put and avoid the jet lag. It's a win win for me. I'll stick around and do more shows. So we put in extra dates in all the big characters just because, you know, people want to come and see a show.
I'm the enemy of the scalper. I'm the enemy of their tickets out.
I'll put on more shows. I'll do more.
So Jimmy, Thursday night in somewhere like Mandurah over in Western Australia, after shows, before shows, are you getting out? Are you seeing the little towns? Are you getting into a takeaway shop, getting a coffee, having a beer? I like a little drink after the show. I like a little, a little unwind. I mean, not every night because I think, I think that would be, I'd be an alcoholic cause I work every night, but I like going out a couple of times a weekend. Uh, I like you meet interesting people. You go to town, especially when I'm, I'm kind of based in Melbourne and Sydney for like, you know, it's going to be like two weeks in each of them. And I'll definitely, you know, find my places and go, I know I've got my places that I like going in those towns. I like the, you know, in Sydney, like the grounds of Alexandria that do a great cup of coffee.
And that's appropriate because just a heads up, you can't actually go out anywhere at night in Sydney after about 10 or 11 PM. They got all these lockout laws and these strange regulations. They could try and keep you indoors. Yeah. What's, what's going on with that? Well, America has gun crime and Australia has alcohol fueled coward punches. They call them. That was a weird thing like five years ago, right? Presumably that was, I mean, it was isolated cases, but you need to shut down the city for that. It was more of a property play. It just shut down all the noisy nightclubs that are really close to the water in the inner city and quite good for property investors. You're calling bullshit on the whole thing, right? Absolutely. But don't worry because the pandemic humbled everyone involved in that conspiracy. So, uh, you can shut down the nightclubs for the property or you can shut down every business for the virus. And I think Sydney's learned its lesson. You'll see this. Everyone's taken a few knocks. I'm sure they have more so in your country, but Melbourne in particular is going to be an interesting one for you. They are deranged.
They did 300 days in lockdown. 300 days?
Yeah. No wonder they're buying tickets. I mean, it's just that thing of, cause I, I slightly think you get the, I mean, I would say this cause I'm selling tickets, but I think you get the benefit from a comedy show twice. Like when you go to the show and you have a laugh, great. That's a very fun night, obviously. But when you buy the ticket and put it on the fridge or the notice board and go, we're going to go to that, it's kind of that thing of, it's very nice to have that intention to go out and fucking laugh. I think it is an interesting thing that I want to kind of talk to you about because you, you have this sense of humor that obviously translates to Australia so well. And I think it's because you're a smart ass and you, the roast master.
Once upon a time, I would have loved to have played cricket with you, Jimmy Carr. I would have loved to see the niggle.
How do you handle yourself on the pebbles with a microphone? You're one of the most dangerous man in the room. How do you go in a pub environment? Are you one of those guys who can avoid physical confrontation just purely through the venom of your words?
I'm pretty good. I would say I've touched words. People have got a lot of respect for it as well. Like I very rarely get hassle, but if I do, I've got the goods to, I will eviscerate them verbally and then it's kind of fine.
It's also, it's that thing of like it's losing face as well, because it's that weird thing as well where if someone can't take a joke, it's the worst thing you could say about an Australian, right? I go, I can't say famous British. The guy can't take a joke. So if you say something and it's terrible and taking the piss out of them and everyone laughs, then if they hit you, they just look like a fucking tool.
Yeah. I mean, if you say something that's just rude and doesn't have a funny edge to it, then you might be in trouble. But I mean, I would say I've still got all my own teeth, but I don't. I had them replaced for shiny ones, but that's your business, baby. Yeah. The veneers, mate, the veneers.
Have there been any instances at licensed establishments or out and about where someone has eviscerated your back, where you just hit one and the crowd, the crowd starts laughing around you and you're like, well, that was pretty good. Has Darth Vader seen a young Jedi pull his own lightsaber out? At gigs, that happens all the time. You wouldn't believe the frequency because I actively encourage people heckling and joining in, right? I love it. So when people join in, like sometimes the guy, I mean, they tend not to translate the stories, it tends to be someone shouting. It's something that relates to that night. And that special thing was going on in that room at that time. But often when that can affect something funny, what they don't seem to realize is they don't get a cut of the take. I still get paid as long as people are laughing. I don't give a fuck who said the funny thing.
Like, oh, there you go. Yeah, I got 300 lines in and the audience got one. Okay. I like those figures. I love it when it happens as well. That thing is like, I've got a weird laugh for the best of times, kind of a weird, any laugh. And I love the fact that sometimes people genuinely make me like, what am I having in common with my audience? Really? When, when people come and see me in Western Australia, right? What do we have in common? We just share a sense of humor and that's enough. It's like, we, we share that thing. So I don't have a monopoly on being funny. I'm doing a thing on this tool where I'm getting people to text me as well. So it's not just tackles, but they text me and they can text me anything at all, you know, birthdays, anniversaries, whatever, but it's a great way to start the conversation with people. So the end of the show turns into a fucking bun fight. It's great.
Jimmy, there's a level of respect for you kind of universally because you've been able to maintain your expertise in the dark arts in a changing climate. And I guess, you know, we're not talking politics here, but you know, after a certain number of kind of people got elected around the world, everyone started pearl clutching a lot more, and that is something that would affect your industry more than most. You managed to not be one of those people that says you can't say anything anymore.
In fact, you've almost doubled down. Yeah, I've doubled down.
I mean, I do, I do. Here's the thing, the joke that ends my career, I've already told it. It's out there on Netflix or YouTube somewhere, and there's nothing I can do about it now. So we might as well have a fucking laugh. It's like, it's the old proverb, right? If you're going to steal a sheep, you might as well fuck it.
Because you know, there's a lot of people, and I feel like it's a big thing in Australia and it's usually a sign of when you've fallen off, is that you're saying that the landscape's not allowing you to be funny? You can laugh about anything, but not with anybody. Right? That's the truth of it. So would the audience to come and see my shows, bulletproof, like absolutely fine, and you'll test the boundaries and you'll push it as far as you can, and that's really fun and transgressive to do. But you know, some people are very sensitive souls. I'm not for everyone. I'm a pretty strong flavor, but like the idea that I would change my show to please people that aren't at the show, that's madness, isn't it? That's mad. There is something I want to ask you. Do you have to taper it a little bit geographically? Ignore the sensibilities, because obviously all the people that are coming to see you have a deep, deep desire for your strong flavor. But do you figure out that there are a few cultural kind of nuances that don't land in a country town full of coal miners?
Like that sheep joke potentially just there in New Zealand? There's this, you don't know that sheep, it's very special to me. Yeah, that was my favorite joke about sheep that I ever did was the, um, I had a friend at college that was from New Zealand and I asked him how many sexual partners he'd had and he'd like, and he started to count and he fell asleep.
That's good. Throw him over the fence. The wonderful thing about being a stand-up in Toronto, I do maybe 40 countries on the tour, right? And the wonderful thing is, from my perspective, it's very one world. You go, Oh, the world gets these other than something with a very specific cultural reference, like the world gets jokes and they get the same jokes everywhere and it makes you feel like the world is a very small place, like you travel vast distances and people are laughing at the same shit because we're all just human beings. It's nice. Is that, you know, I always say it like PC at a comedy show is health and safety at a rodeo.
You don't need it. Look, we have an understanding of palms, you know, that's what you would concentrate as much as you hate that you're a prisoner of her majesty. I know we started out that way, but you remain there. And there's a thing where Australians have an idea of what an Englishman is. It's probably informed by world sport and maybe a bit of the BBC that we used to get on the TV. But we hear someone like you and we don't actually think that we have anything in common.
You have a quite a London accent, so it's kind of an interesting thing to learn that you actually identify as an Irishman. Were you raised Irish? Were you in an immigrant household? Uh, yeah, an immigrant household, but I was, I was like, you know, born in Britain, but like first generation English. So, I mean, my accent is really a product of my, I mean, I'm educated way beyond my intellect, the truth of it, but I did well at school.
But yeah, I was raised by Irish immigrants and pretty poor or whatever, but that thing of like feeling other, I think is quite important for comedians. When you, you know, you, if you have comments on the show, I'll give you the quick York note. Here's how to do interviews with comedians. Ask them why they didn't think they belonged because none of us think we belong somehow, you know, the best quote is my friend, Alan Havy said it, comedians were out for ourselves, but in it together, we're all kind of weirdly lone wolf. I mean, get on with other comics, but we're all kind of a bit lone wolf. I learned something a bit weird about that. And then if you're interviewing comedians, ask them which one of their parents were sick. Pretty much it's not a universal, but most comics, one of their parents had either a mental or physical problem and they had to make things okay within the house.
And then that becomes like something that your, your, your personality is kind of built around making people laugh and making people feel better. That's one thing I wanted. You're now a statesman of this kind of industry. How do you deal with the young talent? Cause I know you're occasionally going to do, you know, you're going to go back down there into those rooms and, you know, do something a bit grimy, just to know that the streets still love you. I've still got a lot for the streets.
You thought I forgot about Dre. God, I haven't seen Dre in ages.
No, I mean, when I meet young comedians, I tell them, I say, I say, read the Bible for two hours a day. That's really the key thing. It doesn't stop them, but it slows them down. I mean, I've seen it in action. I've seen like the young hot shit coming through meets the veteran. They actually start annoying them. And it's probably something that I think about for the rest of their career. How do you deal with them?
You say, okay, mate. It was nice to meet you. Do you want to just stand over there? No.
I mean, I think it's weirdly, you're as good as the last joke you wrote. And there's people coming up now that are going to be the great, they're going to be fantastic. And it's that thing of like the places I try out stuff, if I'm in Los Angeles or New York at the comedy store, the comedy seller, like, yeah, you with some new people, but the new people that are, you know, they've been out at 10 years and they're fucking great. So you get to work with kind of great talent. So best selling in the States is unbelievably funny and brilliant, which is really going 15 years, but the up and coming people haven't heard of it yet, but it's, they're gonna, I'd have more in common with the young kind of up and coming comedian that I would from someone of my own generation who's doing a proper job. So there's a great camaraderie to it.
Do you enjoy spending time with comedians? So like in your downtime, are you hanging out and mates with a lot of other comedians or are you, do you take a bit of time to just go, I gotta get out of this fucking world?
No, I love it. I love it.
I think there's a weird sense in which comedians are an odd bunch, but we get on with each other pretty well. I think it's because no one's taking bread from anyone else's table.
Like I can't do what Peter Kay does and he can't do what Richard Gervais does. And we can't do what John Bishop does and Sarah Millican.
They're all very different. They're all doing their own thing, but you've got lots in common. You got lots to talk about and you're funny people. So it, it seems to work out very well.
It's not like being an actor. If you're an actor, you're desperate to be James Bond and someone else gets the role.
You're fucking livid. Yeah.
Musicians are the same. They widen each other and talk so much shit about each other. There's a lot of frenemies in music. I know it's when I want to talk to musicians that know each other. It's that weird sense.
And I think it's like, it's a good life lesson, just for not people outside of show business of like, if your friend has a success, that's your success, right? And you feel that you feel like, Oh wow, he won the thing. Or he, you got the number one or great. He's the best. He won the trophy.
If their success annoys you, you can't hang out with that person. You're just not allowed. No, no, that's some bullshit. Cause if you're frenemies, it's just a weird toxic relationship.
Yeah. I do want to ask you've been headlining for many, many years in the UK. You, uh, I guess now considered a celebrity or, you know, comedy royalty. And this would expose you to, uh, people that, you know, you make a living out of roasting or just making fun of what is it like? How do you, I mean, particularly in England where, you know, they have this aristocratic system, you know, in Australia, you can be a multimillionaire and sound like a shearer, but over there, I dare say you've been exposed to a few Royals or Jimmy Savills. How do you delve in, in that world?
Well, I mean, I wouldn't, I wouldn't lose too much sleep. I'm making jokes about Jimmy Savills. You're mental. I mean, the only downside to Jimmy Savills from my perspective is, you know, it's really taken the shine off any prospect of a knighthood for me. Cause Jimmy has lost its charm, hasn't it? As a term, I had some damage fucking good.
There's no point even trying now. They're not going to roll the dice again on a deranged comedian. Listen, I'm not, I mean, nevermind bumping into people you made a joke about years ago.
I mean, I've said things to people's faces. Someone sent me the link to, I did the roast of Rob Lowe and Pete Davidson was there and I made a joke about his father and it was pretty distinct and pretty brutal. It's a roast, fine. People can take it. So now you're not too worried about Pete Davidson getting offended at you making fun of Kim Kardashian after having made the joke you've already made. Yeah.
There's nothing I could say about his girlfriend that would be as bad as the thing I said about his father. I said, you know, the story of that, right? So Pete's father died on nine 11.
He's a firefighter. He went into the building to save people. He's literally a fucking hero.
You couldn't, you couldn't, I mean, like if you're writing the film, you couldn't come up with someone who's more of a hero. I've got up there and said, I'm appalled that people would make jokes.
About Pete Davidson's father. This isn't, this isn't the roast of Pete Davidson's father.
That was in 2001. Okay. Yeah. That's uh, and he's playing the game too. He's in the dark arts as well. I'm sure Pete Davidson enjoyed it. Yeah.
I listen, I listen cause he's a funny boy, a game recognized game. Well now this is the bit where, and I'm sure this is a part of your career that you enjoy and we'll let you go cause we know you're running a junket out the back of a Lamborghini on the way back from Scarborough. I'll chat all day, man. Tell me about sweet. Let's upset your manager. I want to ask about the dummy spits that have happened because that also is a part of your career. I'm not, I'm not so much talking about that health and safety thing at a rodeo that you're talking about with political correctness, but aside from all that personally, one-on-one in these roast environments, in these live shows, I know a lot of your audience are thick skinned or just in person, do you relish it? Do you think when you've hit that nerve, you're okay. I've poked the bear and, and uh, I'm going to poke it again. Or how do you navigate that game?
I think it's less combative than the question suggests because it's not a, uh, you know, when you think about what jokes are, they're not in my estimation, they're not ever punching it's tickling if the person isn't laughing, if they don't get the joke, I mean, if there's a drunk guy at a show or a drunk woman at a show, even better, it's like you might just eviscerate that person and the rest of the audience can laugh and they're not laughing and they get escorted from the building that occasionally happens. And I won't lie. It's a lot of fun when it does, but more often than not it's someone with the same sense of humor as you that would love to be up on stage and they're trying to say something funny and sometimes they do and sometimes they don't and it's fun, it's like a fun thing and people get it. So if someone has a sense of humor failure at one of my shows, like, I mean, I mean, I guess they're getting kicked out.
And they paid for that experience too. They paid good money to experience it.
Yeah. You've got to be careful these days. I mean, I was with Chappelle, I was on stage with Chappelle literally on the side of the stage when he got attacked in the Hollywood Bowl and it was, it was kind of extraordinary because it was like, it felt like Will Smith had rung the dinner bell for crazy motherfuckers. Yeah.
Do you think that set a precedent? I think it was like, like for a week or two, people kind of thought, oh right, I guess you can get up and slap people. I think in all seriousness, to slap Chris Rock is pretty fucking dumb. Will Smith needs to check himself.
He's an actor. He's able to read and recite lines and convince me. He's, I mean, he deserves the Oscar. He's pretending to be a nice guy for 30 fucking years. Chris Rock is like a fucking philosopher king. He's the greatest stand up. I mean, he's fucking brilliant.
Jimmy, I just wanted to ask, I saw a story a little while back about someone at your show had mentioned that you had mentioned that maybe these upcoming tours may be your last tours. Is there an actual sense? Who the fuck, who said what? Someone said that to the BBC that you, that you threw out that this may, you know, there may be the last tours coming up with this state of whatever's happening.
No, no, no, no. My, my friend, I've never said that. I will die with my boots on. You can ask the question, but I'll tell you for now, someone's misquoted me. Honestly, I'm never, I'm never, yes, you're dreaming. I'm going to stop. No, my friend, no. The bad news is someone, the same guy that attacked Dave Chappelle is going to have to do a bad job with me.
And we made a joke about upsetting Jimmy's manager there by running over 30 minutes. But it seems the manager had the last laugh of everyone and just hung the phone up.
So thank you for tuning in. That was a very insightful yarn we had, wasn't it, Wendell? Yeah, yeah.
Jimmy's manager essentially canceled that interview by pressing the end button on the phone. The first person to ever silence Jimmy Carr. He's been brought down.
They said it couldn't be done. He said it couldn't be done.
Council culture is out of control. The PC police gone mad.
But yes, thank you for joining us, Jimmy Carr, and hopefully see you on tour next year. For anyone listening that likes a cut of that man's jib or is already an avid follower, the tickets are on sale now. Yes. And hopefully he sticks to his word and does come out and have a beer in Batutah and gets around it. Talk to you soon. That right.
So Pete's father died on 9-11. He's a firefighter. He went into the building to save people. He's literally a fucking hero.
You couldn't, you couldn't, I mean, like if you're writing the film, you couldn't come up with someone who's more of a hero. I got up there and said, I'm appalled that people would make jokes about Pete Davidson's father. This isn't, this isn't the roast of Pete Davidson's father.
That was in 2001. Okay. Yeah, yeah.
That's, uh, and he's playing the game too. He's in the dark arts as well. I'm sure Pete Davidson enjoyed it. Yeah, I listen, I listen because he's a funny boy, a game recognized game. Well, now this is the bit where I'm sure this is a part of your career that you enjoy and we'll let you go because we know you're running a junket at the back of a Lamborghini on the way back from Scarborough. I'll chat all day, man.
Tell me about sweet. Let's upset your manager. I want to ask about the dummy spits that have happened because that also is a part of your career. I'm not, I'm not so much talking about that health and safety thing at a rodeo that you're talking about with political correctness, but aside from all that personally one on one in these roast environments, in these live shows, I know a lot of your audience are thick skinned or just in person. Do you relish it? Do you think when you've hit that nerve, you're okay, I've poked the bear and I'm going to poke it again or how do you navigate that game?
I think it's less combative than the question suggests because it's not a, uh, you know, when you think about what jokes are, they're not, in my estimation, they're not ever punching. It's tickling. If the person isn't laughing, if they don't get the joke, I mean, if there's a drunk guy at a show or drunk, woman at a show, even better, it's like you might just eviscerate that person and the rest of the audience can laugh and they're not laughing and they get escorted from the building. That occasionally happens and I won't lie, it's a lot of fun when it does, but more often than not it's someone with the same sense of humor as you that would love to be up on stage and they're, they're trying to say something funny and sometimes they do and sometimes they don't and it's fun. It's like a fun thing and people get it. So if someone has a sense of humor failure on one of my shows, like, I mean, I mean, I guess they're getting kicked out.
And they paid for that experience too. They paid good money to experience it.
Yeah. You've got to be careful these days. I mean, I was with Chappelle. I was on stage with Chappelle literally on the side of the stage when he got attacked in, uh, the Hollywood bowl and it was, it was kind of extraordinary because it was like, it felt like Will Smith had rung the dinner bell for crazy motherfuckers. Yeah.
Do you think that set a precedent? I think it was like, like for a week or two, people kind of thought, Oh, right. I guess you can get up and flat people.
I think in all seriousness, Chris Rock is pretty fucking dumb. Will Smith needs to check himself. He's an actor. He's able to read and recite lines and convince me. He's, I mean, he deserves the Oscar. He's pretending to be a nice guy for 30 fucking years. Chris Rock is like a fucking philosopher King. He's the greatest stand up. I mean, he's fucking brilliant.
Jimmy, I just wanted to ask, I saw a story a little while back about someone at your show had mentioned that you had mentioned that maybe these upcoming tours may be your last tours. Is there an actual sense? Who, who, who the fuck, who said that? Someone said that to the BBC, that you, that you threw up that this may, you know, there may be the last tours coming up with this state of whatever's happening.
No, no, no, no. My, my friend, I've never said that. I will die with my boots on. You can ask the question, but I'll tell you for now, someone's misquoted me on something. Honestly, I'm never, yes, you're dreaming. I'm going to stop. No, my friend, no. The bad news is someone, the same guy that attacked Dave Chappelle is going to have to do a better job with me.
And we made a joke about upsetting Jimmy's manager there by running over 30 minutes, but it seems the manager had the last laugh of everyone and just hung the phone up. So thank you for tuning in. That was a very insightful yarn we had, wasn't it, Wendell?
Yeah, Jimmy's manager essentially canceled that interview by pressing the end button on the phone. The first person to ever silence Jimmy Carr. He's been brought down.
They said it couldn't be done. He said it couldn't be done.
Cancel culture's out of control. The PC police gone mad.
But yes, thank you for joining us, Jimmy Carr, and hopefully see you on tour next year for anyone listening that likes the cut of that man's jib or is already a avid follower. The tickets are on sale now. Yes, and hopefully he sticks to his word and does come out and have a beer in Vatuta and gets around it. Talk to you soon. |
cracked | 20_movie_special_effects_you_won_t_believe_aren_t_cgi | 20 movie effects are not speed The street had to become pretty much a chimney for the fire.
It will run up the street as it eats up the fuel Giant air blowers were used to blow apart the specially constructed miniature buildings cars and freeways the port cover Pull to break the seal Arnold comes out of his room and spots her from behind goes for the sneak attack.
So I'm coming day and night I mean, it's terrific, right We would be experimenting with different lighting and we would be experimenting with depth of field We did scale tests in pre-production and we basically stage shoots and we had big sets and small sets So we had the different scales In fact, Elijah Wood was sitting in much further back from the camera than than Gandalf through camera at one end of the move Everything lines up when you move to the other end of the track Everything still lines up because that smaller table and Ian McKellen on that other Dolly has moved slightly Start the movement and pass to the other operator Those kind of give me the most kick because they have really simple tricks, but they just work really well Here comes a very close of time in the blade.
I need a bit a real close at home We had a real knife that was really sharp and really pointy there is no faking that There's another master alarm Houston I Man's reach exceeds his grasp Every single interior surface had a projection running on it.
So in the last few weeks I think we had something like maybe 15 projectors running simultaneously Matthew spent hours in that harness and he'd replicate it again and again when they needed it and it worked really well We Needed to be able to protect her face from the little claws and the activity of the schools as they run all over her face |
SaturdayNightLive | weekend_update_ft_bowen_yang_heidi_gardner_mikey_day_and_cecily_strong_snl | Insiders are saying that the House January 6th Committee will refer at least three criminal charges against Donald Trump. but after this week, I think he's pretty much locked down that insanity place. semi-retired maniac, Donald Trump has launched a collection of digital Nft trading cards depicting him in various costumes, including cowboy, superhero, and most unbelievable of all, guy who didn't dodge the draft. I'm honestly just relieved that he's wearing an American military uniform. It's such a funny move to get into Nfts after the whole market just crashed. it's like getting into Kanye now, which Trump also kind of did. Sam Bankman Fried, the former Ceo of the cryptocurrency company Ftx, was arrested on fraud charges in the Bahamas. I'm going to guess while swimming in a t-shirt. prosecutors allege that Bankman Fried took funds from Ftx customers to make large political donations. that money will now be used to make sure the cameras outside his jail cell aren't working.
President Biden, seen here giving the eulogy at a pimp's funeral, formally approved new legislation that will guarantee federal protections for same-sex and interracial marriages in a signing ceremony held over my Grandpa's dead body. Georgia Representative Marjorie Taylor Greene, who, let's just face it, is absolutely my type, complained that people can buy butt plugs and Target now. she also complained that they melt and are shaped like Santa. This week, Biden also hosted Leaders of African Countries at the White House for the U.s.-african Business Forum. coincidentally, U.s.-african Business Forum is what they call Weekend Update in Nigeria.
So, how are you doing? I'm good. yeah, I'm a little burnt out. I'm just so. I'm wrapped up in this job, you know? it's like every year on Krampusnacht, I rise from hell, I run around, kidnap all the naughty children, and I just go home and check out. You know, Colin, you ever, like, watch Tv for five hours straight and then they go by and you've eaten 40 kids? wait, you eat the kids? Yeah, it's fine. I'm just like, what am I doing?
Okay, I just turned 936. they should be the best years of my life. Then I think about my dad at my age, and he was already one of the original gays at Sodom, and he was married!
I don't know. that just sounds like a lot of pressure. You know, Brene Brown has this great quote about shame. she says that it's the feeling that people are saying hurtful things about you when you leave the room. And I was like, wow. like, that really resonated with me. Wow.
Well, what do you mean? like, who's shaming you? Oh, just how people in Bavaria, like, dress up as me, Which I get it. it's funny. But think about what you're doing for five seconds. you're making fun of my body. you're making fun of my livelihood. And I'm sorry, my culture is not your costume. Okay, but that's what we do. we don't protect queer voices in this country.
Oh, I'm sick! Corn sickness? Oh, no. I'm sick. Oh, God. I hate this.
I hesitate. I really hesitate. I hesitate to say horny, but I do feel like it's appropriate.
And I'm sorry, miss that you're queer? Yeah, I'm a demon, Colin. I'm queer.
Okay. okay. you know, Sza has this great line on smoking on my ex-pack. she says, them ho-accusations weak, them bitch-accusations true. And that really resonated with me. Because, yeah, what I do for work isn't great. But it's like my therapist always says, Krampus, your job is to punish children, not yourself. Wow. And who's your therapist? Ghislaine Maxwell. Oh. wow. she's your therapist because she's not deaf. she commutes, Colin. Oh. look, it's hard, okay? I'm running around Central Europe, on foot by myself, and I'm self-reporting to every village. Meanwhile, I grew up solidly middle class. my mother was a teacher. oh, what did she teach? how to eat kids. So, as much as I want to quiet quit, I still show up, and I do the work. Because guess what, Colin? I like myself. maybe you should try it sometime. Okay? water's warm. You know, my friend, the demon Azazel, has a great quote about self-acceptance. he says. that really resonated with me. Krampus, everyone. Ghislaine is the best therapist.
U.s. scientists announced they have reached Ignition, which is a nuclear fusion reaction producing more energy than it took to create, and they're hoping this discovery may eventually lead to the remix to Ignition. a new study found that using screens to stop a child's tantrums can harm their ability to control their emotions. the study is titled Elon Musk. Republican insiders are concerned that the rivalry between Donald Trump and Ron Desantis could lead to a civil war within the party, which is perfect because they already have the flags.
Oh, whatever. Well, Christmas is next week, and we're all going to be back with our families. Here to talk about holiday etiquette is my great Aunt Pat. Hi, Aunt Pat. hi, honey. you look dashing as ever. And my how it's nice to be back on. Update. Oh. yeah. yeah, yeah. well, except you've never been here before. Colin! where are your manners? Never, ever question a lady, especially at Christmas time. Oh, I'm so sorry. welcome back to update. thank you. thank you. Now, Colin, manners are the glue that holds society together.
You know that you didn't even greet me correctly? I didn't? No.
See, at Christmas time, you always greet your elders with a kiss on the lips. And why the lips?
Manners, Colin. I could use Miss Scarlett. I'm your aunt, boy. I'm going to need a drink after that. Where's my butler?
Mikey Day!
Wait, yes, Pat. wait, Mikey, you're butler-ing for my Aunt Pat? Yeah, I'm like barely in any sketches this week, and I need money for Christmas. what can I get for you, Pat?
I'll take a Slow-jin juice. sorry, we asked for your slow-jin juice? Yes, slow-jin juice from a juice of bellberry.
Thank you, Mikey Day. thank you. And that'll be all, Mikey Day. Okay. Okay. that'll be all, Mikey Day. that'll be all. you can go ahead. that'll be all. Hey, here you are, Pat. that'll be all.
Aunt Pat. Aunt Pat. did you just tap his crotch?
What? you mean a boop on the gooch? You know, Gatsby loved to be greeted with a boop on the gooch. Yeah, well, Gatsby is a fictional character, okay?
Colin, I just saw your monitor. my slow-jin juice has almost completely washed away my lip stain. Mikey Day? Mikey Day. here you are, Pat. I know. Remember how I taught you? you apply it to your lips, and then you put your lips onto mine. Mikey, you really don't have to do that.
Manos, Colin. Manos.
Okay. it's like breaking a card. No, that's okay. come on, Mikey Day. All right, Mikey Day. All right. they smoked salmon for dinner. Whoa, thank you. Okay, okay. thank you, Mikey Day. Thank you. you only gave him $1? Mikey Day. that'll be all, And thank you so much. that'll be all. that'll be all.
Aunt Pat.
Mikey. Thank you. that'll be all. Aunt Pat, none of this seems like etiquette. it seems like you just want to kiss and fondle movie stars. Colin! movie stars? you boys are movie stars. you're Tv muppets. Aunt Pat, you're out of control. Oh, no. I'm staying here because I have a gift for you, Mikey Day. Okay, Mikey. Yes, Pat? I want to give Colin his Christmas gift, but his lips are a little dry. Mikey Day, do what you do.
No, that's okay. No, that's all right. I put on a little lipstick before I came out. you don't need to do that. that's okay. thank you. Yes, I'm having a slow ginger in my own way. All right, all right. Okay, me now. me Now. All right, Okay. thank you, Mikey Day. you can run along now.
My great Aunt Pat, everyone. a man who made aviation history by parachuting out of a hot air balloon 20 miles above the earth has died at the age of 94 when he finally hit the ground. researchers say that for more than a decade they tracked a humpback whale as it swam over 3,000 miles from Canada to Hawaii with a broken spine. they even got a recording of its whale song. 2022 is almost over, and ooh, we did a lot happen. Here to help us make sense of it all is two-time Heisman Trophy stealer Kathy Ann.
I love your Santa Hat. Oh, yeah, well, I was covering up a giant open wound. I got a little bit scalped. You got scalped?
Yeah, yeah, I fell asleep on an escalator. it is just a mess up here, but you know what? at least now the curtains match the drapes. Oh. I'm young, Kathy Ann. what does that mean? Yeah, yeah, let your mind go to the worst place and you figure it out. All right, let's get back on track, Kathy Ann. what's got your goose tonight? Well, thank you for asking, you sexy piece of crap. Well, actually, actually, I'm a little emo tonight, because truth is, I'm here to say goodbye. Wait, where are you going?
Turns out, Prison. Prison? Yeah, yeah, well, the crimes I confess to you here for the past seven years finally caught up with me. you know, drug use, trespassing, destruction of property, crack. impersonating a police search? meth and crack. Oh, and during a couple of sonic attacks. a sonic attack? like what the Russians do with sound waves? Uh, no. I did an upper decker and a soft-serve machine out of Sonic. but you had a lot of people that did end up with pretty bad headaches. See, I already worked out okay because I made a plea deal. I wound up getting life in prison. that's a bad deal. Well, they wanted to kill me. And then they had to bring a chair back. made me watch them test it. tried a little hat on me and everything.
Well, I'm. that's chilling. I'm really sorry you're going to prison. Oh, no, I'm not, you know. I think it's actually going to give me some much needed stability. And I'm not too scared because I got friends on the inside. they seem to be doing okay.
I met you, we fell in love, we made a sex tape. Kathy Ann, you getting caught on my ring cam masturbating is not a sex tape. Yes, potato clamato. that's a specimen. don't you think I forgot about you? here's a picture of you and me doing up day together. Whoa. so different, what happened? okay, excuse me, look at you. have you seen you now versus when you started, Mr. Silver Fox, turning into Obama?
All right, that's fair, fair. No, listen, listen. everybody has to go to jail at some point, right? it's just my time now. But I had a lot of fun here. and I feel really lucky that I got to have so many of the best moments of my life in this place with these people that I love. with that with the grain of salt being that I have addiction issues. take another great drug addict. Once said, there's no place like home, and there's no home like the place where I've gotten to yell outside Michael Che's window. don't be sad, because remember, I did it high chair. Thank you, everybody.
Aunt Pat, Aunt Pat, Aunt Pat. none of this, none of this seems like etiquette. it seems like you just want to kiss and fondle movie stars. movie stars, you boys aren't movie stars, you're Tv muppets. Aunt Pat, you're out of control. Oh, no. I'm staying here because I have a gift for you, Mikey Day. Okay, Mikey. Yes, Pat? I want to give Colin his Christmas gift, but his lips are a little dry. Mikey Day, do what you do.
No, that's okay. No, that's all right. I put on a little lipstick before I came out. you don't need to do that. that's okay. Oh, yes. thank you. Yes, I'm having a slow ginger in my own way. Okay, me now. me Now.
Thank you, Mikey Day. A man who made aviation history by parachuting out of a hot air balloon 20 miles above the earth has died at the age of 94 when he finally hit the ground. researchers say that for more than a decade they tracked a humpback whale as it swam over 3,000 miles from Canada to Hawaii with a broken spine. they even got a recording of its whale song. 2022 is almost over And ooh, we did a lot happen. here to help us make sense of it all is two-time Heisman Trophy stealer, Kathy Ann. Hi. I love your Santa Hat.
Oh, yeah, well, it's covering up a giant open wound. I got a little bit scalped. you got scalped? Yeah, I fell asleep on an escalator. it is just a mess up here, but you know what? at least now the curtains match the drapes.
Oh. yuck, Kathy Ann. what does that mean? Yeah, yuck. let your mind go to the worst place and you figure it out. All right, let's get back on track, Kathy Ann. what's got your goose tonight? Well, thank you for asking, you sexy piece of crap. Well, actually, actually, I'm a little emo tonight, because truth is, I'm here to say goodbye. Wait, where are you going?
Turns out, Prison. Prison?
Yeah, yeah. Well, the crimes I confess to you here for the past seven years finally caught up with me. you know, drug use, trespassing, destruction of property. crack. impersonating a police officer? meth and crack. Oh, and doing a couple sonic attacks. a sonic attack? like what the Russians do with sound waves? Uh, no. I did an upper decker and a soft-serve machine out of Sonic.
But you had a lot of people that did end up with pretty bad headaches. See, I already worked out okay, because I made a plea deal. I wound up getting life in prison. that's a bad deal. Well, they wanted to kill me.
I never had to bring a chair back. made me watch them test it. took a little hat on me and everything. Well, I'm. that's chilling. I'm really sorry you're going to prison. Oh, no, I'm not. You know, I think it's actually going to give me some much-needed stability. And I'm not too scared, because I got friends on the inside. they seem to be doing okay.
I met you. we fell in love. we made a sex tape. Kathy Ann, you getting caught on my ring cam masturbating is Not a sex tape. Yes. potato climato. that's a spicy meatball. Hey, Colin, don't you think I forgot about you? here's a picture of you and me doing up day together. Whoa. Kathy Ann, you look so different. What happened? okay. excuse me. look at you. have you seen you now versus when you started Mr. Silver Fox? when you went into Obama?
All right. that's fair. No, listen, listen. everybody has to go to jail at some point, right? it's just my time now. But I had a lot of fun here. and I feel really lucky that I got to have so many of the best moments of my life in this place with these people that I love so much with a grain of salt being that I have addiction issues. another great drug addict once said, there's no place like home And there's no home like the place where I've gotten to yell outside Michael Che's window. But don't be sad, because remember, I did it high chair. Kathy Ann, everybody. |
cracked | the_7_creepiest_simpsons_fan_tributes_cracked_tv | Hey everybody, welcome to episode 21 of Crack TV, where sophisticated women always insist on Michael. With me, as always, is my co-host, clips of slowed-down high-pitched Gilbert Gottfried. How you doing, Clippy? It's like listening to the ocean.
According to the dire warnings in Roland Emmerich's latest opus, Shit Got Blowed Up, today's topic is the seven most extreme forms of Simpsons fandom. Calling yourself a Simpsons fan is like saying you like the Beatles or enjoy capturing and castrating neighborhood strays. You're not impressing anyone. They've been inscribed on ancient hillsides, sculpted in sand, and wrapped around a jet. And as the seasons go by, Simpsons fans have had to resort to more and more extreme measures to show their love, their obsessive smothering love. A true Simpsons fan has to really get the show in a way you will never understand.
Traditionally, this state of oneness with a program is attained through meditation on and painstaking recreation of the show's intro sequence. Because nothing says devotion like recreation in Lego. Ain't that right, big guy? Careful if you got kids under three, that crown of thorns is a real choking hazard. Of course, a true fan wouldn't settle for just recreating the intro sequence. Not if your blood runs yellow, damn it.
Finally, video game technology has at last progressed to the point where I can trade in my own boring life for that of a lower middle class white family. Thanks to this phenomenally accurate Quake III mod, you're now free to visit all of your favorite Simpsons locations and shoot at them with lasers.
If that doesn't slake your thirst for combining comedy and violence, try using Homer to beat the shit out of a young Asian girl in Mujin, the ultimate customizable fighting game. In Mujin, you can pit Homer against almost anyone imaginable. Ooh, Homer. Too soon, man. The only character that can ever beat him is Peter Griffin, but that's just because he keeps flashing back to unrelated events until everyone forgets what game they're playing. Men spore Homer comes along and they both choke to death on their own terror vomit. If you're not tech savvy, don't worry, there's still a wide range of ways to stick Simpsons characters where they don't belong.
I'll tell you why, because it doesn't make any sense. Alright, if you're going to pervert America's favorite family, let's see some realistic depictions at least. Oh god, I was wrong. Never do that again. That was the most disturbing piece of Simpsons-related artwork I will have ever seen up until I show you this picture that I'm going to show you right now. Ah, she's a child, for god's sake. How about a little decency, Internet? Or Homer-fucking-a-cat.
Either's good, really. What better way to show your loyalty to a beloved comedy show than by throwing money at it? I know it always impresses me.
Glenn Williams has spent hundreds of thousands of dollars amassing 30,000 Simpsons items, or one for every character in the series. His wife collects teddy bears, mainly as a food source for his vast army of wiggums. Williams says he wasn't even a huge fan of the show when he started collecting. I'd hate to see what he did when he was a huge fan of something. Glenn hopes to turn his Simpsons collection into a museum, so that his life may serve as a warning to others. So you say you love the Simpsons so much you want to be the Simpsons?
Well cat-fucker, you're not alone. Every day, seemingly normal people twist themselves into grotesque mockeries of the human form. Eyes cracked and popping, skin jaundiced and lumpy, bodies shapeless, sexless and will you stop it with the porn already?
This couple even got married dressed as Homer and Marge. Of course, they arrived at the wedding in a cement mixer, and their guests were dressed as princesses, nuns and cowboys, so there's a good chance they're escaped mental patients.
But as my heroin dealer taught me, the only way to really prove you love something is by stabbing that thing into yourself. Whether it's an obscure reference, meta-stupidity, or simple child abuse, injecting the Simpsons into your skin will surely- okay, you know what? Everyone just wants to bone the Simpsons? Is that what the internet's done to our childhood? Fine, you know what assholes? You brought this on yourself. That's right, soak it up. Feel your brain tumoring itself. Marge, you're breaking my heart.
The part the general series of videos could almost be described as lynchian, if lynch were considerably scarier. Here's a tip. If your Simpsons tribute has a Harlequin baby in the related video section, you've officially taken a few steps towards terrifying. Just try and laugh at another rerun after watching Homer take a brick to the mouth and morph into a blubbering Mickey Rooney. According to the creator's bafflingly generic home site, his name is either Famicom or Gahuxic2. The only clickable link takes you to a gallery of the animated equivalent of waterboarding in front of a tiled picture of Yosemite Falls.
Gahuxic2 may not be the hero we need, but he's the one we deserve. Woohoo! Well, that does it for this episode.
What do you say, Clippy? Are you a True Simpsons fan or what? Why did you stop singing? Honestly, I don't understand it.
Remember, if you want to help me pick my next topic, just fill out the topic suggestion card that came in the latest issue of Swain Magazine. It's on page 32, right after the Mike's Folware photo spread. I've been your host, Droid Michael Swain. Allow me to play you out. Out of my way, jerkhead!
Ugh! |
TheOnion | Reporter_In_Helicopter_Pretty_Sure_Landslide_Down_There | I have not spoken to authorities, Michael. I was awoken in my hotel less than 45 minutes ago. Most of my time was spent securing access to a helicopter with a mounted camera. I am flying above the Philippines now.
Okay, we're seeing the feed now. Don, tell us about the mudslide, the damages there as you see it. Well, we're very high now. I'm seeing many, many beautiful broadleaf trees. I suppose what you would call a forest could be mudslide damage beneath the trees or perhaps we're simply in another region entirely. It's really difficult to say from this altitude. Do you see any survivors?
No, Michael. I'm unable to see any human forms from this height. Okay, Don, ask the pilot to fly lower. I have been attempting that. Unfortunately, the pilot does not appear to speak any English and so far has not responded to my request in Tagalog either. Because we're getting reports here of thousands displaced. No, I'm sorry, the pilot is not responding.
Okay, well, do you see any sign of heavy rainfall in the area that you are in? Well, I do see water, Michael. From flooding, other floods? It appears to be too large of a body of water to have been caused by rain. Because we have reports here of torrential rains. Well, the water is blue and calm, eerily calm here on this tragic day in the Philippines. Don, are you near Baguio City? I am now seeing a flock of birds. They appear to be sand wipers.
Don, ask the pilot where you are right now, how close? Where are we?
He's saying it's double summer with Morocco at the end, Michael. And is that where the epicenter of the mudslide is? It's the mudslide, he's taking a wave-like motion with his hand.
Don, can you get the pilot to go to Baguio City? Baguio?
No, the pilot does not seem to understand me. He appears to be becoming angry about my demands. Don, we've lost the feed from you, from your... We are descending very fast now. Is there a problem with the helicopter, Don?
I see a row of what appear to be helicopters, and is that... Yes, Michael, that's my car parked out front. Michael, we appear to be at the same airport where I took off earlier on this tragic, tragic day here in the Philippines.
Okay, Don, thank you. We'll have more as we continue. But first, a new study has found that English comprehension is still low among our nation's screaming infants. |
SaturdayNightLive | chloe_fineman_workshops_her_dua_lipa_impression_snl | Saturday Night Live.
Hey, Dua. hey, Chloe. I was literally just working on my new impression.
Five, Six, Seven, eight. if you want to run away with me, we can play ha-la-seek first count to five. that's hilarious. right? who was it? You.
Oh, well, the lyrics maybe aren't like 100% there. right, right. All right, how about the dance moves? like maybe you're just missing some of the dance moves. Yes, okay. if you want to go and take a ride with me, we can go win the thing. that's a bit more like tap dancing. maybe it's the look. let's change your look.
Perfect. love it. really? yeah, amazing.
I'm really feeling the Dua spirit. if you want to come with me, I know a pizza-y. I can give you a slice. okay, it's close enough. you're gonna nail it, kid. wait, what? I'm gonna actually just focus on my sketches so I thought maybe you could, you know, do the performance for me. I'm gonna go and grab dinner.
Oh, I don't really know.
Thanks, babe. you're gonna be amazing.
I'm due with Lisa.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. okay, you know, I can't. let's seek first count to five. that's hilarious. right? who was it? you.
Oh, well, the lyrics maybe aren't like 100% there. right, right. all right, how about the dance moves? like maybe you're just missing some of the dance moves. Yes, okay. if you want to go and take a ride with me, we can go all when we're hanging out. that's a bit more like tap dancing. Maybe it's the look. let's change your look.
Perfect. love it. really? yeah, amazing.
I'm really feeling the due-a-spirit. if you wanna come with me, I know a pizza area. I can give you a slice.
Okay, it's close enough. you're gonna nail it, kid. Wait, what?
I'm gonna actually just focus on my sketches. so I thought maybe you could, you know, do the performance for me. I'm gonna go and grab dinner. oh, I don't really know.
Thanks, babe. you're gonna be amazing.
I'm Due-a-leaper.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Okay, no, I can't. |
Wizards_with_Guns | karate_for_christ_g_is_for_jesus_2 | I have a way of dealing with my enemies that I would like to demonstrate. Do you know how I do that? Ah, you go for the throat.
No! I'll pray for them. Of course. Now let's bow our heads and close our eyes. Ah! Never let your guard down!
Now, what you need to understand is that Goliath was ten. Nearly twenty. Some say a hundred feet tall. That's right. But David knew he had the power of God on his side.
So he approached the giant, clutched his stone in sling, and he executed a flawless flying dragonkin! And he windmill punched his larynx with the force of a thousand suns! And he dove right into Goliath and he defeated him from the inside! And then he ripped out his kneecaps and crushed them and blew into his eyes! And then he started bat-necking, basketball-sized ballsack like a fucking speedbag!
I had a question for Gaud the other day. I said, Gaud, how many nunchucks can a nunchuck? What? I lose my pastor's license and my karate license! Shit!
Cut the camera!
We can't let it get out! Who did this? Learn to perform master-level moves such as The Crucifist! The Last Supper! The Bad Samaritan! The Burning Bush! Abstinence!
Now, now for this next move, you're gonna need a partner. Oh, okay. Now, now, now, brother, do you trust me? With all my heart. Now, now, now, now, now! The Judas! Now, the greatest weapon in your arsenal is fear! Alert the congregation!
No dancing! Poop people!
Now, if your assailant has a firearm, like so, you're gonna wanna put your hands up. Like a Sunday morning, you wanna get those hands up. Now, at this point, you're gonna wanna fall to your knees and you're gonna wanna say this prayer. Go ahead and say these words after me.
Oh, God, please! Oh, God, I don't wanna die! I don't wanna go to heaven!
He needs help! Well, somebody help him! Help me! Look at him! He needs help!
Now, this one's called the Red Sea, because I'm so red. Sea? Ease up there, Ruby. It's not called the Blue Sea.
Ruby! Ruby, stop! Ruby! Stop!
What was that?
You married my wife! No! You married my wife! No! I was still married to her and you didn't even ask me! Oh! Oh, I'm telling God! No!
God's gonna be so pissed! Goodbye, Lord Jesus. I'll start going to church! I'll even read my Bible!
I just started watching Friends, God! And I really like it! I'm a total Chandler! Oh, I'm sorry I lied, God! I'm a Ross! I'm a Ross, God!
Amen. And it's gone? No, Dark One! I cannot attend your vile orgies of magic!
What a chance! Ow! Oh! Ow! What?
That hurt so much! |
SaturdayNightLive | bosses_snl | So Janet, how's your first month year been? Oh, it's been great.
I'm so happy to be working here. Well, we're lucky to have you, but I don't want to make this a big deal.
I think Daniels has been kind of weird with me. Oh, Daniel's our top salesman. really? Well, he's always been cool to me.
You're right. it's probably nothing. Forget.
I said anything. Hey, they're good.
Daniel's just sent my oldest off to Penn State. Oh gosh, that must be hard on the old bank account.
I know we hit the links later or what. buddy. Bye. bye. I'm a dot.
Daniel all right, looking forward to it. And Simmons.
Boom Boom Boom! Setting off the penis alarm and Murphy, you got that reported to me by Monday or what?
Absolutely. Daniel's all right. That's great.
Oh, and before I forget guys, we got a company-wide zoom meeting at Six where I'll be zooming in on the computer enhance engaging x-ray vision. That Turner file is not gonna file itself, right?
Daniels?
When he talked to me, he did like an impression of a sex computer. I thought he was just being goofy, but hey, I'm old school.
If you're having a problem with them, you can always talk to Benson Benson. really? Oh, yeah, totally. he's been here forever. He just gets it out. Speak of the devil guys!
I want to thank you again for showing up to my granddaughter's food drive. It meant the world. Hey, anything for you, But said oh, we said 500 families in need because of you guys. I mean Simmons. I know it meant the world to my granddaughter that she brought those that was what, What? those big old buttered yams or it and cannonball into that cleavage.
But don't save me, I want to die in there.
All right gang. If you need anything, anything at all, please just give me a call. I do anything for you guys. Hell, I'd even adopt those gorgeous to win duty calls, I'll catch you guys later.
Okay, you guys notice that right? I mean, I want to say yes, so you don't feel crazy, but I didn't notice anything.
Can we not make something out of nothing today?
Janet, Hey, I'm Heather from Hr. I heard you down the hall and if anyone here has been making you uncomfortable, we will handle it right now in a company-wide meeting. Thank you.
But first, we have a musical performance from the Penis Brothers. Ladies, I do Daniels by the way.
I got an email from corporate and you're both fired.
I think Daniel's has been kind of weird with me. Oh, Daniel's our top salesman. really? Oh, he's always been cool to me.
You're right. it's probably nothing. Forget.
I said anything. they're good.
Daniel's just sent my oldest off to Penn State. Oh gosh, that must be hard on the old bank account.
I know we hitting the links later or what. Buddy. Bye. bye.
I'm the dot Daniel. All right. Looking forward to it and Simmons setting off the penis alarm and Murphy you got that report into me by Monday or what? Absolutely Daniel. All right, that's great.
Oh, and before I forget guys, we got a company-wide zoom meeting at Six where I'll be zooming in on the computer enhanced engaging x-ray vision that Turner file is not gonna file itself, All right. So what?
Daniels When he talked to me, he did like an impression of a sex computer. I thought he was just being goofy, but hey, I'm old school.
You know, if you're having a problem with him, you can always talk to Benson Benson. really? Oh, yeah, totally.
He's been here forever. he just gets it out. speak of the devil Guys, I want to thank you again for showing up to my granddaughter's food drive. it meant the world. We said 500 families in need because of you guys, I mean Simmons. I know it meant the world to my granddaughter that you brought those.
That was what. Why those big old buttered yams.
I've been bored and cannonball into that cleavage. But don't save me, I want to die in there.
All right gang. If you need anything, anything at all, please just give me a call. I do anything for you guys. Hell, I'd even adopt those gorgeous two wins and raise them in a hotel like Zack and Cody. Duty calls, I'll get you guys.
Okay, you guys notice that, right? I mean, I want to say yes, so you don't feel crazy, but I didn't notice anything.
Can we Not make something out of nothing today, Okay, this is Insane Janet. hey, I'm Heather from Hr. I heard you down the hall. And if anyone here has been making you uncomfortable, we will handle it right now in a company-wide meeting. Thank you. But first we have a musical performance from The Penis Brothers. I do Daniels by the way, I got an email from corporate and you're both fired. |
TheBetootaAdvocate | An_Underpaid_Apprentice_Bloke_Promises_He_Can_Change_The_ABC_s_Controversial_Episode_May_17 | An underpaid apprentice reveals his preferred politician, a bloke promises he can change and the ABC airs a controversial episode. Hey, it's Effie Bateman and this is your Daily Batuda. And in the booth with Effie is myself Clancy Overall, Editor of the Batuda Advocate. Thank you for tuning in and what a lovely day of news we have ahead of us.
And kicking off, a seriously underpaid apprentice who will never be able to own a home reckons he's not really that into politics, hey, nor is he that interested in this election bullshit. Yes, despite having injured himself numerous times on his labour hire work site without getting any form of paid leave, Corey says it'll be a laugh to vote for Clive Palmer mainly because he's funny and, haha, he's fat. When asked if there was any legit reason why he planned on voting for a fringe politician with no social policies, Corey replied that no one else is really speaking to him, plus they all seem like losers. Hahahaha. And next with some news in politics, the Prime Minister Scott Morrison has this week showed some self-awareness by admitting that he knows people don't like him, but this election is not a popularity contest. But of course, any self-awareness went out the window when he stated that this dislike stemmed from his bulldozer-like approach to dealing with issues, instead of the real reason why he's earned himself such a bad reputation, such as leaving for Hawaii during the 2019 bushfires, lying about it, blaming it on the wife and kids, and then losing his temper about it. Yes, and from one end of the political spectrum to the other, the Australian Bolsheviks channel, aka the ABC, has been forced to defend itself against claims of bias again today after news hit that Four Corners was set to air an episode titled Inside Morrison's Death Cult Church, which has understandably outraged many. Yes, managing to piss off both conservatives and progressives alike, a spokesperson from the office of the Prime Minister has labelled the timing and content of tonight's program extremely offensive and inappropriate. Nonetheless, Morrison won't let the episode ruin his love for the ABC shows that are non-news-related, such as Antiques Roadshow and Grand Designs, both pretty good shows.
And lastly, our quote of the day is about the Philippines leader Ferdinand Marcos Jr., who nicknamed Bong Bong, who has claimed in its views that Oxford issued him with a bachelor's degree, while his official spokesperson has said that the politician and his team stand by the degree confirmation, which was issued by the University of Oxford. However, this has proven to be incorrect, as Oxford has stated that, according to our records, he did not complete his degree, but was awarded a special diploma in social studies in 1978. This information request was lodged by the UK-based Filipina supporter of Marcos Jr.'s nearest rival in last week's election. Oh well, too late, he won the election and they have a new leader. And that's it from us today, thank you for tuning in to the Daily Batuda. |
ClickHole | if_black_people_said_the_things_my_doctor_says | Okay, so this is just going to be a routine physical. I'm just going to check in and make sure everything is working like it should. Nothing too out of the ordinary.
This is odd, but there seems to be something bulging in your stomach. So according to this x-ray, you have an entire candle in your stomach. Why is there an entire candle in your stomach?
How did that happen? Let me guess, you swallowed another candle? Yes. Why did you swallow a whole candle? I swallowed a whole candle. Yes, but why? You swallowed another candle?
I just removed two candles from your stomach yesterday. If you keep swallowing candles, I'm going to have to send you to another doctor. I don't understand how the candle remains lit in your stomach. How are you even swallowing these entire candles? You're not even chilling them. When you walk around, I can hear the candles clinking around in your stomach.
It frightens me as a doctor. When you were in this doctor's office yesterday, you weighed 150 pounds. You now weigh 300 pounds.
That's all in candles. You've eaten your entire weight in candles.
Thank you. No, that's not a compliment. Okay, thank you. |
dropout | troopers_rescue_mission | So, are you guys gonna check that coolant leak now, or, uh, what's the plan? They're not maintenance, idiot! That was a lie, so you let them in. They're here for the princess!
I know, okay? Then why would you- I have trouble admitting my mistakes. It's not my fault.
Station 38, comment station 38. Is everything okay? This is a- This is station 38 reporting! We're fine, and thank you for the check-in! Roger that, Larry. Coming in loud and clear.
What?! I sound nothing like that! Well, maybe a little bit when you get frustrated. I do not- I do not.
Cells are locked down. We're gonna need a command key. Never! You'll have to torture someone else, because we don't have command keys. Oh, command keys! Yeah, we don't have those. If you want a key to the break room, you'll have to torture us. Control, I'm so incompetent and confused in a sexual way that I lock myself out of the cells. Can I please have a command key?
Ooh, no can't do, Larry. You already used your three lockouts this month. Ha! I saved the day, kind of. Come on! There's just gotta be something I can do!
Well, you do need someone to power scrape all the shit out of the waste pipelines. Chili Friday did a number on the system, with everyone shitting.
No! I'll do it! Ha! Serves you right. Hey, my stupid friend's gonna help me too! What?! Roger that, we'll send down the hazmat suits and spray gun. Don't bother! We'll do it in our denim cut-offs and we'll use my toothbrush. Oh, Roger that, transmitting command keys now. Who's just gonna do it in this drawer? Help! I am very secure in my sexuality and do not agree to clean up the Chili Poop!
Also, there are some insurgents here! The comm doesn't transmit unless the button's pressed.
I knew that!
Also, I wanna kiss our sinister on the mouth! Roger that, 38.
No, it's not true! It's not true. |
dropout | my_elf_girlfriend_fast_furious | And so he climbed the mountain bear and snatched the crown from the dragon's lair.
Babe, that was awesome. You could be on The Voice, Levine's team. Thank you.
Twas the tale of Laswin, a warrior most brave. He was one of our greatest heroes. So Brian, tell us a legend of your people.
Okay, yeah. I guess if I just had to say our greatest warrior, just top of the dome, would be Vin Diesel. Vin Diesel.
He sounds most fearsome. Oh my god, so fearsome.
He probably benches like 375. He only wears wife beaters and he's completely hairless.
Sing us a song of his journeys? Yes, I'd love to hear a song of your people. Yeah, there's a song about him.
But there once was a man stronger than all of us. He drove cars so fast yet so furious. He was being chased by the rock, the nation's toughest cop, cause he was one inch dead or alive. Who is this The Rock? He's like 6'5 tribal tats, totally yoked. I mean he survived the stone cold stunner.
You guys don't know what that is, but it's worse than dragons. No.
He sounds like a worthy companion for the Diesel. Yes, well I mean actually at first they're not totally on the same side, but you know what, I'll just keep with my thought.
The rock and Vin Diesel did battle. Through walls and windows they tackled. But after a series of events, they would become friends and take down Rio's biggest rock world.
Wait, is this the Vin Diesel you're talking about? What? Yeah. You sang the plot of a movie to us. Yeah. Do you guys want to watch it?
You've got to take out those. I get my period every 10 years. I do remember. Two lines means I'm pregnant. They give me bigger boobs though.
A war here most brave. He was one of our greatest heroes. So Brian, tell us a legend of your people.
Okay, yeah. I guess if I just had to say our greatest warrior, just top of the dome, would be Vin Diesel. Vin Diesel.
He sounds most fearsome. Oh my god, so fearsome.
He probably benches like 375. He only wears wife beaters and he's completely hairless.
Sing us a song of his journeys? Yes, I'd love to hear a song of your people. Yeah, there's a song about him.
But there once was a man stronger than all of us. He drove cars so fast, yet so furious. He was being chased by the rock. The nation's toughest cop, cause he was one inch dead or alive. Who is this, the rock? He's like 6'5 tribal tats, totally yoked. I mean he survived the stone cold stunner.
You guys don't know what that is, but it's worse than dragons. No.
He sounds like a worthy companion for the Diesel. Yes, well I mean actually at first they're not totally on the same side. But you know what, I'll keep with my thoughts.
The rock and Vin Diesel did battle. Through walls and windows they tackled. But after a series of events, they would become friends. And take down Rio's biggest rock world.
Wait, is this the Vin Diesel you're talking about? What? Yeah. You sang the plot of a movie to us. Yeah. Do you guys want to watch it?
You've got to take out those. I get my period every 10 years. I do remember. Two lines means I'm pregnant. They give me bigger boobs though. |
TheOnion | Dark_Ominous_Storm_Clouds_Atop_Mount_Money_Indicate_Recession_Could_Be_Near_The_Topical_Ep_37 | The Trump administration insists the economy is doing well, so why is Mount Money covered in dark ominous storm clouds? And a recent study has found that one in 100,000 iPhones emits a level of radiation that can be harmful to humans.
We've got the latest tips on how to make sure you get your hands on one. From the Onion & Onion Public Radio, I'm Leslie Price, and this is the topical. Stay with us. We'll make you feel like you're doing your part to be an informed member of our crumbling society.
The topical is presented by Cash App, the easiest way to send and receive money. Money isn't the most important thing in the world, power is. But money can buy you power. Download the number one finance app in the app store today and feel your power grow every time you request money from your inferiors. Use promo code topical today and the lowly roofs at Cash App will give you ten dollars because they are but sniveling peasants who cower within your shadow.
Mwahahahahaha! Well, it was another rough day on Wall Street, leading many to speculate that a recession is looming. And those speculations only intensified after ominous black storm clouds were spotted atop Mount Money yesterday. But what do those dark bellowing clouds mean for your wallet? OPR financial reporter Marcy Hammond joins us from the foothills of Mount Money to help make sense of it all.
Hello, Marcy. Hello, Leslie.
So based on what you're seeing, is a recession coming? Well, historically, seeing fissures forming at the peak of Mount Money is regarded as one of the leading economic indicators of woe to come. And right now, many economists like Russ DeWitt believe it's not a question of if, but when. I spoke with Russ at the base of Mount Money earlier, and here's what he had to say. We've seen a number of different variables, but when the mountain's crystal clear spring begins to boil and turn acrid with the stench of sulfur, there's definitely real cause for concern.
Beware! Beware ye cursed ones! The dark times foretold are at hand! Stagflation is upon us! Oh, God, we better get out of here before the crows come. Unfortunately, we had to cut our conversation short and clear out so that a stampede of hundreds of deer and elk could jump off the cliff to their deaths.
Interesting. Now, of course, some people say these fears of a recession are overblown. That's true.
Earlier today, the Trump administration issued a statement saying, quote, the president visited Mount Money and these reports of storms are completely fake. In fact, President Trump saw several beautiful rainbows over the mountain. The president did, however, encourage the Federal Reserve to take precautionary action by lowering five investors of true virtue into Mount Money's magma chamber.
Very good. Thank you, Marcy. Stay safe out there. I'm actually burning alive as we speak. Here's Marcy Hammond reporting.
Well, it's the first day of spring, and the crickets are singing again. For decades, scientists have assumed that crickets make their signature chirping sound or cricket song in order to attract mates, while a new report has found that their chirping isn't used to attract mates, but is actually the insect begging to be killed. Joining us in the studio to unpack this discovery is OPR science reporter Alan Potts. Hi Leslie. Alan, so when crickets rub their two legs together, they're just telling us that more than anything, they just want to be put out of their misery? That's correct. The study from the University of Colorado found that the moment crickets are born, until the moment they die, they are trying to express that they desire an escape from the unbearable agony they constantly feel. Entomologists carefully observed a community of crickets for a year and found that while there may be superficial differences in the way different species of crickets plead for someone to end their ceaseless suffering, by and large, they all beg for death from sunup till sundown. They were actually able to capture recordings of this, correct? Yes. For example, take a listen to this sample of Grillis pensylvanicus, or the fall field cricket. According to the study, the cricket is repeatedly requesting for itself and its entire family to be exterminated, and saying, quote, every minute of life is pure torture. Wow, and what else did it say? Save me by killing me, save me by killing me, existence is a sick joke, cover me in acid. Wow. They were also able to come to their conclusion by continuously observing the crickets jumping off branches and skittering to the ground to position themselves under the boots of the entomologists. Here's a recording of a chirp sequence from a Texas field cricket who kept sneaking under the lead researcher's loafers.
Is he saying, squish me now, squish me now? No, this one is just crying. Wow, sounds like if you've ever smashed one of these guys, you've done them a favor.
Do any other insects exhibit similar behavior? No, however, the buzzing of cicadas seems to exist in exact contrast to the cricket's chirp. You see, when cicadas sing their song, they are trying to convey pleasure and indicate that they are in a constant state of orgasm. Listen here. That's the cicada begging its partner to fuck it in the mouth until it comes all over its thorax. It's almost as if the cicadas are taunting the crickets with their orgasmic releases.
Daddy likes. Thanks, Alan. Thanks for having me, Leslie. Hear that?
That's the sound of a rock hard erection you can only get from the performance-enhancing chewables at BlueChew.com. With the same active ingredients as Viagra and Cialis, the chewables from BlueChew work faster so you can last longer. No in-person doctor visit, no awkward conversation, no waiting in line at the pharmacy, no having to pull out your limp penis at CVS to prove the prescription's yours. It only takes a few minutes to connect with a BlueChew.com affiliated physician, and if you qualify, you get prescribed online quickly. The best part? You can take them anytime, day or night, even on a full stomach. Ooh, sexy. And here's a great deal for you guys. Visit BlueChew.com and get your first order free when you use promo code topical. Just pay $5 shipping. That's BlueChew.com promo code topical so you can chew it and do it. Hmm, I probably shouldn't have taken these at work. Thanks to our reporters Alan and Marcy for their reporting, and thanks to all my haters for always fueling up the Lezdog motivational tank and keeping my hunger levels at a 10. Here's what else you need to know today.
The U.S. unveiled an ambitious new plan today for the rest of the world to become carbon neutral by 2030. Secretary of State Mike Pompeo announced the new measure and believes that through these efforts, every country besides America could end its dependence on fossil fuels.
Well, if you're in the market to sell, you might want to hear this. Black market financial experts warn that newborns start depreciating in value as soon as they leave the womb, so it's in your best interest not to wait. But if you're looking to buy, there's a lot of great deals out there.
And finally, the nation's narcs announced plans today to ruin a keg party this weekend. The dweeby blabbermouth fox laid out a comprehensive strategy to alert several parents, including their own, that a party is set to take place at Suzanne's house and that there would be drinking. It appears as of now that the kegger has been indefinitely put on hold thanks to these needle-dick virgins, despite the fact it was going to be a total rager. Fucking losers.
And that's the topical today. I'm Leslie Price. If you'd like to be covered on the topical, do something newsworthy, why don't you? Who knows? Maybe tomorrow's your lucky day. |
TheOnion | Back_Of_Library_Smells_Like_Weed | Well, everyone in Pennington is talking about it.
Something smells like weed in that back part of the library. No one has located the source of the weed smell, but witnesses say that it seems to come from that area of the library behind the computer desk between the magazine rack and that weird couch. Head librarian Cookie Stevens and library volunteers Margaret Moser and Gail Fredericks were in the middle of discussing the upcoming used book sale-a-ganza when they smelled something strange.
So when you guys smelled marijuana somewhere, we're like shocked. And so Doug goes, do you smell it? Oh, I thought it was my linguist. That could smell something funny, like it was on fire. We thought it was Cookie's linguist, he's on fire. And I couldn't believe it was drugs in the library. Gail knew what it was. I guessed. It smelled like a chooch and chong or something. Without any way to confirm that the smell was indeed weed, Cookie Stevens called her husband Sheriff Stevens, who called in local ceramics teacher Dutch Gibbs, who lived in Seattle for a few months in the 70s. Yeah, that's weed.
Sheriff Stevens has begun compiling a list of potential suspects, including that boy Lance who has girl hair and hangs out down by the quarry. Greg Fromkey, who was spotted this evening, really going to town on some potato skins at Steaky Jake's Steakhouse and Mr. Thompson. Luckily, one young reading enthusiast seemed unperturbed by the illicit smell. I hear a lot of people talking about it.
I mean, I don't smell anything. I mean, yeah, I don't smell anything.
I really, really, really love the library. The weed smell comes on the heels of last month's discovery of a gigantic pair of women's underpants in the children's fiction section.
According to Stevens, that case remains open as well.
Well, too bad it wasn't meth. They just could have had you come down and sniff it out, huh, Kathy? Eat shit, Randall. I'm in recovery. |