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CSSRS-Suicide

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KAIST-IC-LAB721 3

Its not a viable option, and youll be leaving your wife behind. Youd Pain her beyond comprehension.It sucks worrying about money, I know that first hand. It can definitely feel hopeless, as you seem to be Tired aware of. Your wife might need to chip in financially. I know time is an issue, but even 10-15 hours a Asthenia could alleviate a lot of the pressure. In the meantime, get your shit together - write that resume tomorrow. No excuses, get it done and send it out. Whether you believe in some sort of powerful being or force governing things or not, things really do work themselves out. This is a big test for you, and youll pull through. Just try to stay as positive as you can and everything will work out.

Supportive

It can be hard to appreciate the notion that you could meet someone else who will make you happy when you are so deeply in love with your boyfriend. Your desires are set on him and not much else will make you happy at the moment. But over time the mind has a way of dealing with loss, this is a proven fact in psychology. Over time, one day you will arrive at a level where you again feel at peace and can start feeling comfortable at looking into new relationships.It is certainly uncomfortable dealing with your current situation but do understand that with some time and patience the Pain will go away and you will get through the difficulties that many US students are encountering with debt, unemployment and undervalued degrees.These are problems that many of us are facing right now, you are not alone. It is crushing to face all these difficulties at the same time, but getting through them is what is going to make us stronger, smarter and more emotionally aware than any generation that came before us. ', 'The voice is just a voice. People can praise you, people can hate you but it doesnt change who you are. Think about it. People can come up to you and say you are awesome, but does that change you in any way? No. It is a psychological thing.Think about how absurd it is what you are saying here. A little voice is telling you to kill yourself, so youre actually going to do it?If I went up to a random person and told them to kill themselves, they would probably walk away from me.You should persevere. You do so by not identifying with it. It might always be there, negative feelings and thoughts always present themselves to us when we are vulnerable. But a voice is just a voice, it is not us, and we only suffer under its rule when we allow it an ear.This happens to everyone, it is just a matter of depth. Suicidal people have invested a lot of energy into "I" thoughts, such as "I am worthless, I am miserable". And you breathe life right into them by doing that, and they come back to sap more life. Let them starve!Any insult against you is worthless unless you give it credit. It is like a cheque that bounces at the bank.So dont give into your negative thoughts and feelings. Stop giving them credit. This is hard in the beginning, and hard over time, but you know you can actually be content and live a decent life if you take this seriously. Stop giving the "I" so much credit.', 'You indeed sound Tired bipolar. Bipolar is when you take things to such extremes. It is a terrible illness. I suffered it myself at one point, and have taken lithium and a variety of other medications to deal with it. Its not so bad. It helps. But ultimately the problem is a psychological one. Youre going to have to feel your way around your body and understand your own psychological profile, your triggers and so forth.What is also Tired important to note that bipolarity is a two way street. You might have these extreme moments of aversion (the knife carving incident), but what people dont realize is that you also have your moment of desires, or what I mean by that is, you go way too far into the things you love.If you were just a bit more indifferent about things youd stabilize a great deal, I think, having had the illness. Obviously stop taking drugs and stuff like that if youre taking them, but also stop staying up so late, or doing whatever it is you do to an extreme. Live a balanced life. Bonus points if you find that life boring. Acclimate to that and make it your new norm, a stable life is a happy life. Live a stable life where you are relatively indifferent to most things, you will enjoy your accumulated efforts over the years and you will be pleased. Do NOT go into extremes of Pain and pleasure, which is essentially what you are doing. Leave well enough alone.', 'You will always come back so much stronger afterwards. Ive been cheated on in at least one or two long term relationships, sometimes I dont know if the girl was faithful in one of the relationships, I digress... it is extremely painful, you will suffer for months on end but when you come out of it you will be better than you were before, hardened by fire. Then you will meet somebody worth your time. The person Im going out with now is the best person Ive ever gone out with by far... the experience will prove that you are worth someone who is loyal and awesome.', 'You should never allow yourself the space to feel those feelings. They are not some sort of natural feeling as people say they are. Any sort of feeling that started back when you were a teenager aught to be called into question. We all have many stupid feelings as a teenager. The problem is when those follow you into adulthood.I know people who are over 26 years old and engaging in the exact same habits that they were since they were 13. I mean thats just sad. When are they going to grow up and move on? Why do people get stuck with such old sufferings?Life is Tired hard, it is a constant improv but there are different ways of looking at it. Not everything is "bad". Just because youre suffering doesnt mean you need to take it so deeply to heart. I mean come on, you have a family that loves you. I avoid a lot of problems because I try not to focus on myself so much. I think of what I can do for others. This might sound egotistical in itself but really you have to understand the notion behind it. When we think with our mind, we always become Tired miserable. We never become happy through the way we think. Nothing is ever perfect or good when our mind has a say in it.But when youre trying to help others, its through the heart. And it feels good to help them. It makes one happy.I always recommend in these difficult times that people stop placing so much importance on their mind. Never allow negative thoughts inside your mind. Protect yourself with positive emotion. If robbers were pounding on your door, would you open the door to them? No. But then Suicidal thoughts come, and they are just as bad as murderers and those who want to harm your wife and family. Why do you allow them space?It is Tired important for you to manage your mind. If you have difficultly conjuring positivity in your interior world, then you need to step back and question why that is? What is holding you back from being a happy person?Quite often you will find it is these "old friends", these thoughts you identify with so much and feel to be so real. Its almost like they understand you.Well you made them with your thoughts, they subsist on your energy that they gain from you eating your food. Its entirely personalized.That is why it is so difficult to stop identifying with the thoughts. But you have to realize, they are coming to you, so theyre not you. Theyre just thoughts. Youre in control. You dont need to feed into that destructive cycle. Force the negative thoughts out, constantly demand that they stay out. Cultivate positivity, love your wife and child, do things to make them happy. Absorb that in.Positivity drives the negative thoughts out. Negative thoughts when accepted destroy the positivity. Its a real dragon and tiger scenario, but you need to stick on the good side. Never give the enemy an inch. Theyll take a mile. Retire your old way of thinking. It is a failed way. It has done you no good. Open your mind up, embrace positivity. Have a revolution, insist on embracing life. Well all die, sooner or later but lets have a part in bringing happiness to this planet while we can. We need people like you to help us, to come and help others. You are strong, youve made it this far. But you made a mistake, you leave the door open to that old enemy. Close it, close it every time and bar it off. You are not that thought of suicide. ', 'I was like you once, I was miserable and broken. Almost ended up with my life completely ruined, I lived way too dangerously and almost lost my freedom, ex long term girlfriend and everything I loved. I turned my life around, picked up the pieces and built a new life out of it. Now my life is exciting, I am talking to a beautiful new gal, am progressing well in my studies and everything is looking up. Do not identify with the down times in your life. It always seems like it will never get better but thats not true. Eventually good things do happen, but we all have to do our part too.', 'Dont be so hard on yourself man. Ive lived on my own for only like five months and Im 27. It is extremely expensive to do that sort of thing nowadays. Back in the day, you used to be able to build a house out of logs and a guy your age could have 6 kids already. Nowadays many are lucky to buy a house by the time they are 50.Dont get all tied up in with this society. It will burn you out. It doesnt care about who you are inside, it just cares with what you can do. Mechanical labor.Be OK with taking some time for yourself. Stop dating for a while. Be OK with taking some time to relax. You are too wound up. You arent going to find happiness by "doing things". No matter how big the check list or how many things you check off, that does not necessarily mean you will have lived a Tired successful life.Instead, take some time to get to know yourself. When you lay down to have a nap, dont completely go to sleep, just rock back and forth a little bit to barely stay away, and just feel yourself in the bed, just be aware you are there and keep doing that over and over again. Feelings will come to you and thoughts will come to you but you will become more aware of them. Just really feel them and get to understand them.You can change how everything is. The reason you have all these girls cheat on you is because you cannot see them for how they are. Youre not able to see their real values, youre not able to see who they are by just looking into their eyes.Take some time and read some philosophy from ancient Greece, appreciate some fine art, read Wikipedia.Its OK to take time. If you just go out there again like a wild animal, you will be in a wild chaotic abyss of angst, Fear and listlessness. ', 'Just be. Look at how you are thinking here:"Ive never been good at anything. I suck at school, sports, art..everything. I have considered suicide on and off pretty much since I was 13(Im 20 now). I never had friends Tired long, they always decided they didnt like me and stopped talking to me."Each of these thoughts is self enforcing. They were created by you and fed by you. And they will cease to exist when you stop feeding into them. It is a negative thought cycle.No self respecting person accepts negative thoughts, negative emotions or negative people. Try to see the good in everything, to watch nice things and be around people who give you positive feelings.If your boyfriend is just sticking around for the money... well then, that doesnt sound Tired positive, does it? Only you can know if he contributes positive value to your life.But how foolish it is to assume that by going through the same psychological cycles that things would improve. Life works in cycles. Everyones goes to work, goes home and watches TV. That is hardly unusual nowadays.The difference is, people can deal with that because they dont think negative thoughts about themselves. You have to close the doors to all negativity, it is up to you. When you open the doors to negative emotion, then it will sap you greatly.Spend some time around your mother. See the positive in your relationship with her. She can teach you a lot. But you have to be willing to learn.

Ideation

Hi, so last night i was sitting on the ledge of my window contemplating whether or not i should jump. My dad had just choked me and told me that i should get out of the house, and earlier he had called me a bum. To me it seemed as though there was no reason to keep living, the people that are supposed to care about you the most dont. But one thing echoed in my mind, and that was something one of my best friends had told me: you dont help yourself. And reading through your post made me feel like thats also the case for you. Maybe instead of cutting things out, add some things into your life. Go outside, take a deep breath, and talk to somebody new. I dont know your financial situation, but if you can take lessons, join a gym, take classes, the most important thing is you do something for YOU. Be a little selfish, take yourself out to eat in your favorite restaurant once in a while. Try some new food, but do something. If you do read this, please know a lot of people feel pain, youre not alone. <3', 'if you want to, please pm me', 'There are always people that want to listen and help, you just have to find them. You found me, a random stranger who happened to click on this subreddit and this post the night after he almost committed suicide in order to find help. I realize that its difficult to change the mindset of how it all seems to be hopeless and bleak but theres one thing that i can ask, and thats: do you help yourself? Youre working for a fortune 100 company, but was that what you wanted to do? Do you have hobbies to take your mind off things? Are you taking classes in things that interest you or spending time doing things you enjoy? If not then please start. Maybe this is the time to start joining a gym, playing a sport, reconnecting with old acquantences if you still have any contact information of old friends, just make sure to do something for yourself.', 'Please listen, nobody makes the best decisions all the time. Theres no way to be perfect, and right now i dont doubt that it seems like there is no way out from that black pit, but committing suicide wont help that, i dont know what your exact situation is but there is a way out. Consider all of the decisions you can make this moment, and know that dying isnt the only decision. I probably cant do much more then tell you what you already have heard countless times: things get better. But its only the people that keep living that get to experience it.

Behavior

I tried to kill my self once and failed badly cause in the moment i wanted to do it i realized that i want to live! I still have Suicidal thoughts and i often question myself why i even carry on! to be honest i cant give you a catch-all conclusion for that prob. But what really helped me was changing my life rapidly like 360 degrees! i started doing sports although ive always been a loonly gamer... i also made some friends and i managed to get a girlfriend whom i really love! To come to a point this might be no reasons for you to live on... I can only tell you that you have to figure out yourself if theres something worth living! In my point of view it can only get better cause if you kill yourself its already over! Why not see what comes next is my personal attitude since a while !All the best', 'Keep your head up! I know that feeling you got right now but there is always a reason to carry on! Suicide is never a proper solution! There are so many people who really like you as you wrote yourself friends and so on whom are worth living on for! Even if life can be a real asshole sometimes there is always a second chance! When did you stop giving yourself a second chance? Dont give up hope! I belief you can find someone who loves you the way you are ! you just have to carry on! Try to talk to friends or your parents if you feel down! Explain to them that you feel so loonely! This helped me alot! Just carry on i beliefe in you! All the Best PAul ', 'Hang in there i know that feeling! I know the Feeling hopeless you feel right now so well! Ive also experienced challenging stuff in the past months! I have been in hospital for like 5 months in the past year! In addition to that i was struggeling hard in school due to my ilnesses! Furthermore i did attempt to kill myself like 4 years ago... But all of this shit has only made me stronger has made me to the person i am right now! Today im at university... i mean not everything is perfect now but what i figured out is that there is always something worth carrying on! I now have new friends and moved out from my parents house! its a good feeling to live alone although im still dependent on my parents in some ways cause im a student! Sport and playing guitar really helped me to deal with my all day depressions... always when i notice that i fall back to me depressive patterns i go to the gym or play my favourite song on guitar (even if i cant play it to well)! somehow this reminds me that there is always smth that makes me feel better! Just carry on and dont be afraid of rapidly changing smth. in your life! Sometimes change is what you need to get on and find yourself!', 'I know exactly how it feels to be under constant Pain. Ive experienced intense Pain which kept me from even getting out of my bed for more than a year... the Pain was mostly caused by a nerve which was injured... furthermore my doctors told me that it was partly produced on a psychological basis. I had to take extremly strong painkillers for a long period of time which lead to a easily recognizable twist in my character... i was frequently aggressive aswell as feeling Drowsy and Anxiety most of the time. In addition to that i felt so much hatred for the rest of the world because i felt it was so unguilty that i had to suffer such Pain while other people whom were also my age (im 18 btw.) where at good health. Today im nearly 19 and after several extremly Exhaustion hospital treatments ive overcome the worst Pain. What i want to tell you is that you can overcome all that! There will come better times! Now im in a happy relationship im selfconfident again and ive managed to recognize that my character consists of more than this period where i was sick! Ive also thought of commiting suicde frequently because my childhood wasnt that nice either... i was buillied frequently and my mother suffered from breast cancer... all in all it was a really hard time.. i had no friends and with 15 i tried to commit suicde. but today i know that its no good solution! If you commit suicide you give away the chance to become happy again.. to meet people who like you the way you are and who understand what youve been through! I know it often seems as if the Pain would never end but believe me im convienced better times will come you can make it if you only hold trough! Never give up on yourself ! you are more than just Pain! You have overcome so much by now keep going otherwise all the struggeling would have been useless! Always remind yourself that there are still things you want to experience when your healthy again! YOu can make keep your head up!!!

Attempt

Hi NEM3030. What sorts of things do you enjoy doing?', 'Personally, I always welcome music suggestions with open arms. Nothing like losing yourself in music, escaping for even just a few moments.', 'I am only a bit older than you, and oh, its maybe not useful, or comforting, but you have my support. Rarely is a day where I dont suffer from thoughts of self-harm... I hope your days get steadily better. I really do. Best of luck to you.Edit: Hobbies. That really keeps me going. I hope improving a skill will make things brighter for you too. ', 'I too, am a lady, and I agree with Ray_adverb12s advice 100%. I feel the exact same as you, only I am a female. :(', 'My little brother possibly killed himself and let me tell you, its been months and I havent gone a day without sobbing and considering suicide and feeling like my ribs were splitting apart. Please /u/Holy_Panda, dont end your life, or your brother may Tired well end his. He will never, ever get over it. Grief will color his world grey for the rest of his life. ', 'You are such a brave person for going through all this... Stay strong. <3

Ideation

Since I dont know what DBT is, would you mind explaining it to me a little bit more? I am really sorry to hear that someone who is supposed to be helping you is actually really mean to you. Thats definitely not right and not fair. Are there people other than that person who you can talk to? Im honestly not sure why they shunned you and it sounds like you dont know, either. But Im not sure if that would have anything to do with tomorrow.Your plan sounds really Pain for you. Just to make sure I understand, you have 30 ish cuts on each arm, so 60 in total? Im Tired concerned for your safety, throwaway_lives. What symptoms are you having?', 'Wanting to wake up and have your life to have been a bad dream sounds like you are Tired scared. Hitting rock bottom is also not a pleasant thing to experience. Is the DBT lady the one who conducts the therapy sessions with you?', 'It sounds like you are feeling really scared. So much so that you want to kill yourself. Im concerned about your safety. Especially since you said that youve been carrying out a plan for suicide. Is there a chance that we could talk about it?', 'Yeah, I bet that would make you really tired. 9 days in a row is a lot of days to work! I can hear that youre feeling a lot better. If you ever need any support, you can always message me. Like I said, my schedule is really sporadic, but I will get to you in time.', 'Have you shared the thoughts and feelings youve been sharing with me with your therapist and care coordinator? Even though your care coordinator has been mean to you, I would hope that she would be willing to help you.Im super concerned about your safety right now. Youve said that youve reopened the wounds. Are they Bleeding? I want to keep talking to you, but Im concerned about your wounds. Did you open them up by picking at the Scab of skin or with a knife or something similar? I can hear that it is hard - almost impossible - for you not to try self-harm. But I am concerned because I want to keep talking with you as long as possible.', 'I hate it when managers do that. It really sucks. :C I used to have a manager that did that to me and I felt Tired frustrated because I was doing the best that I could. It sounds like it was a good time for you and it sounds like youre feeling refreshed. ', 'I can understand why it would be hard to talk about if its taboo.Yeah, when no one is listening, its easy to feel ignored. I dont really know what all youve done, but I do know that its hard to meet new people. I also kind of feel the same way, that were all alone in the world. But I think thats why we need each other sometimes. Its hard to feel alone all the time.Okay. Take care until then.', 'Have you tried to tell her that you feel that shes being mean to you? Because, well, it is her job to help you. She might not even realize that shes being mean to you, if that makes sense. If you tell her that sometimes she makes you feel like vermin, maybe she will realize that she has done wrong things to you.Okay. Is the knife still there with you? Like I said, I really am concerned about your safety. And I want to keep talking with you until you dont want to talk anymore or you need to go to sleep. And Im Worried that the knife might get in the way of you staying safe while talking to me. I really just want to listen to you. And I can hear that you feel that you dont deserve it, but I feel that everyone deserves a listening ear when they need it.', 'Okay. Thank you for being honest with me.', 'Im sorry to hear that you had a bad night. Life is Tired frustrating, so I hope youre holding out okay.Im glad to be here. I know that my schedule is pretty fucked up, but I want to listen to you when I can. Thanks for the compliment. I think its pretty amazing that youre willing to be honest and open with an internet stranger.', 'Okay. I just didnt want you to think that I disappeared on you in the middle of our conversation. I really like the name Hope. Thats really cute. She sounds like shes been a good kitty to you through all of this. Not being able to open up to people around you who may be important to you sounds Tired lonely. I think youre strong for taking care of yourself through this all. Since I am Worried about your safety, Im wondering if theres a service in your area that you could reach out to to help you with the burden for now. Im not sure if seeing a therapist or going to a doctor would be an option for you. Im Worried that something might happen to you while Hope is alive and she wont have anyone to care for her anymore.', 'Sorry. I ran out to buy some cigarettes. Im back now. ', 'Sometimes you just get that little headbutt from your kitty and thats enough. I know that feeling. It sounds like the Spasm have been Tired Pain for you. I cant imagine what its like to have them. That seems Tired scary to me. Are there people who you talk to in your life that know about the Spasm? Like I said, it sounds Tired scary to me and like something that would be Tired difficult to deal with on your own. Im concerned about your well-being.', 'And, again, are the wounds Bleeding at all, a little, or a lot?', 'I like your cat already! King isnt really noisy, but hes definitely an asshole. He lives up to his name. Haha. The thing I love about animals so much is that they always seem to know when Im sad and want to comfort me. Is that the same experience youve had?I wonder if Hope would miss you at all if you were gone. I hear that Hope is a great support for you right now. But I think it might be worth it to find some support while shes still alive. It sounds stressful that your mom is looking for a new job and all, too. ', 'I know that this is kind of silly, but my favorite app game I like to play is 2048. You mentioned that you like strategy, so I think that you might like it. Im too addicted to that game. Do you find that those distractions help you?You know, at the beginning of the conversation, I heard that you were in a lot of Pain. Im just wondering, how are you feeling now?', 'Im sorry its taken me so long to reply. My schedule has a tendency to be really sporadic. Wow, yeah, when you said that they make you feel like youre dying, that sounds so scary to me! I dont know how severe they are, but they sound Tired severe to me. Im Worried something might happen to you while youre having a Spasm and your cat would be Worried about you. I know that you said that it didnt really worked out when you tried to talk to people about it before, but is there a person in your life who you would be comfortable reaching out to? It sounds like youre incredibly brave to deal with something so scary completely on your own.Also, I feel really weird calling your cat "your cat". Do they have a name? My cats name is King. Haha.', 'It sounds like that was Tired beneficial for you. It sounds like you had fun. It also sounds like you have a Tired tough time ahead of you. That sounds kind of intimidating.', 'I am honestly not sure what the A&E is or what their procedure might be. But that sounds really frustrating to me. I can understand why you feel like they dont want to help you. It sounds like youre Exhaustion from getting the runaround by A&E and stuff like that. I can hear that youre in Pain and Exhaustion so much that you want to kill yourself, but you said that theres a part of you that still wants to be helped. I can definitely see that part of you. Its the part of you that led you to post here and talk to the people on this thread. And, while I cant guarantee that they wont notice your wounds, I think that youve already waited months to get the appointment, just showing up would be giving that part of you that wants to live a chance. I am still Tired concerned about your safety, especially since you said that some of your wounds are infected. Would you mind talking to me about your plan a bit more? And the wounds? ', 'Yeah, rejection is a Tired hard thing to deal with. And I can understand that saying anything to her really makes you feel like youre putting yourself out on a limb. Whatever happened a long time ago between one of the therapists, have you managed to talk about it during a session? It sounds really unfair that they would still hold it against you.Thank you. Im not there with you, so I was naturally concerned. Thank you for being honest with me about what youve been going through. I think that it does take a lot of courage, even to post on the internet, to talk about Suicidal thoughts and self-harm. Im really glad that you were willing to talk to me.I really dont know if words can or will change anything, either. But, I just want to offer you support. If you want to stop talking at any time, I understand. I also want you to know that, when we stop talking, you can still PM me at any time. It might take me a hot minute to get back to you, but I will when I can. ', 'That sounds Tired frustrating. Especially since quitting a job or asking for days off is not an option for most people. It doesnt sound like its much of an option for you. ', 'Yeah, I think that animals understand people a lot. Sometimes more than other people. As strange as this might sound, I think your cat has been really great support to you. I understand why you would love your cat so much. Thinking about suicide all the time does sound really exhausting. And you mentioned having Spasm, which sounds really stressful to me. Has there been something in your life that has caused you to want to kill yourself?', 'Yeah, I think its pretty fun, but admit that its not for everyone. Yeah, having things kind of spring up on you can be really hard to deal with. Yeah, it does seem like making yourself not feel the Pain would make you feel empty. Having all that work, too, sounds Tired strenuous. ', 'Im sorry to hear about Socks passing away. I know that animals are different. But I am glad to hear that you love your cat and she loves your cat, too. It sound like youve been going through so many emotions. I am concerned about your safety. When you are feeling lonely, are there things that you try to do to keep your mind off of these things?', 'It sounds like your inability to meet people is a source of great Pain and frustration for you. And it has caused you to feel Tired alone. Thats Tired understandable. And Im glad that you posted and are talking to me, even though you are in Pain and isolated.', 'Its okay. I didnt mean to worry you. I can tell that you are scared. It sounds like some of the symptoms that you are going through arent good. Im not a paramedic or anything, so dont take my word on it. Would you say that DBT works for you? You said that one of them was mean to you, so are there other counselors/therapists available? Someone in that position who is supposed to help being mean is pretty disgusting IMO. You dont deserve someone being mean to you when you are vulnerable. ', 'It sounds like you really love your cat. And I totally understand that love. I love my cat, too. I dont think youre crazy for being concerned about your cats well-being. It also sounds like youre in a lot of Pain. If you dont mind sharing and want to talk, Im really curious about whats been on your mind lately.

Supportive

No matter what you ever think, there will be people who care. Whether they are people like me, who youve most definitely never talked to before or seen, or even heard of, or the people youve known your whole life that youd never give a second glance to. Never. Give. Up. You have a wonderful life ahead of you, I promise. If God thought your life was done and not worth living anymore, He would kill you. You dont need to kill yourself. Please just be strong. If you ever need someone to talk to, Im here. ', 'I hope you didnt do it..', 'Try to forget about it? If not, melting ice on your skin might ease your mind. Just dont go overboard with anything. Best of luck!', 'I can understand why you dont want your parents to know, but I really think you should tell them. Id think they would find out sooner or later, especially since you have to tell the doctor. You could write it down and show them if that makes you more comfortable. Good luck, were all here for you. ', 'I hope you have a Tired lovely birthday. <3', 'Dont listen to your mom, just do whats best for you. It sounds like you need treatment anyway. Stay strong and dont give up! Many people would care if you killed yourself. Including me. ', 'Why not? You can only get better from here. Seek help before you give up entirely, please.', 'How did you feel in those 4 years? I bet it was better than how you feel now. You could do something in the place of cutting, like...snapping a rubber band against your wrist. If you ever need someone to talk to, Id be more than happy to talk to you. Dont give up.', 'This is awesome.', 'Im here.', 'Im proud of you.', 'Hey, hang in there. Every second that passes is another second closer you are to feeling happy, and another second youve survived feeling depressed. Youre right to think about how your girlfriend would react, because letting go of your Pain would just transfer it to her, and everyone who loves you. Concentrate on the things that you like to do, even if there arent Tired many, and push the negative thoughts out of your head. Its like learning a language: over time you begin to speak so fluently that you dont have to train yourself to think in the language, you just automatically do. The same goes for being happy. Over time, it will come naturally. Until then, just keep trying. I wish you the best!', 'Hang in there. Youll be happy that youre still alive in a few years. ', 'Im here for you as well, and Im more than willing to listen to you. Feel free to message me<3 You arent alone. Dont give up. ', 'Doing something I love and thinking, "Why would I ever want to take this away from myself?" That, and because suicide just transfers your Pain to a lot more people. Just isnt worth it.', 'Aw I like that show. And this is Tired nice of you :D', 'You are a lovely human being.', 'You dont deserve it at all...', 'I was kind of questioning if I wrote this. Sounds exactly like me.If you ever need anyone to talk to, Im here. ', 'Just try it! Youll recover with a good attitude. Dont give up.', 'You can talk to me any time.', 'I care. Everyone here cares. Dont forget that.', 'I love you and I hope you make the right decision--life. I guarantee you will find something worth living for in a matter of time, and at least you could get a pet puppy or something like that, someone that needs you as much as the people you dont even realize that need you. If you ever need someone to talk to (or rant to), feel free to message me. Im not some kind of psychiatrist but I do care more than you know. ', 'I really like it.', 'Suicide is never the only option. You arent a burden at all. You need to understand that you *will* get through this if you just wait long enough. Many people care a whole lot about you, and would hate to see you go. I know there are things in life that you dont want to do, but you cant forget about the amazing things that happen every single day. To me, it is worth it to just get a few minutes of happiness out of the day. Youre a strong person, keep it that way. If you need someone to talk to, feel free to message me. Dont give up just yet.', 'I hope you didnt do it.', 'Dont think youre hideous, I can assure you that you arent. Please dont give up now. At the most, snap a rubber band against your wrist. It cant kill you. Cutting yourself can. If you ever need someone to talk to, Im here. ', 'I would suggest doing something healthier in place of cutting when you get the urge to do it. Draw on yourself where you would cut, melt an ice cube on your skin (which could give you the Pain satisfaction without the damage) or even something completely unrelated like drawing your feelings, writing, chewing gum, squeezing a Stress ball. Get yourself accustomed to a new habit that is healthier and instead of getting the urge to cut, you will get the urge to do the new thing. I hope this helps, Im also on reddit a lot if you need someone to talk to. Feel free to message me anytime. ', 'Im so sorry your fiance was such a jerk. That mustve Pain way too much. You cant give up, though. If you kill yourself, youre also killing a baby that could have a wonderful life. You could have a wonderful life as well. What if you meet a new man? What if you make a new friend? There are tons of things that could happen to you that you havent even given a second though to, but would make your life so much better. Dont give up, I know you can get through this. ', 'I agree with both of you in different ways. Although Depression is not something that you can simply tell yourself to get over, you do have responsibilities outside of it. Maybe spending time with your son will even help cheer you up, I dont know, but you cant forget about him. He hasnt forgotten about you.

Supportive

Dont see it as failing at killing yourself, theres a reason why you lived. Theres something for you here on Earth. If you need someone to talk to you can come to me and Ill talk to you. Okay? People have to be there for other people, and you need someone there for you. We can talk and help you through these tough times. ', 'It almost seems like life really isnt worth the living anymore. But you shouldnt end you life. What if suddenly the economy flips for the better in a month or so? Then you may have a chance. But if I were in your situation, I would try to find what made Multiple sclerosis happy. I would most likely pack up stuff one day, leave my house and dead beat job and just drive. Not saying to run away from your problems, but it may be healthy to just get away from the bullshit for a while. Hang in there, life is the only thing we have for sure. ', 'Maybe you should let your family and friends know, reach out to those around you. Ive been there where you want to die but everythings fine. So I know where youre coming from', 'Okay, Ill check up on you every so often. And feel free to message Multiple sclerosis about anything.', 'Well I hope your arm gets better. As for you wanting to be gone, youd be robbing yourself of the only real thing anyone has for sure. Im not sure what youre going through but you can talk to me. Of course when your arm feels better. But dont make a dicission like this without trying everything possible to save you. ', 'Sounds like to me you need help. You should probably just go to the psychiatrist because they can help you. I didnt think they could, but I went and got help and I feel so much better now. Sometimes money cant be an issuing in saving yourself.', 'Thats bound to happen, parents dont like letting go of their little kid who need a handle to hold walking across the street. But Im sure youll get through it, just try to calm him down and if that doesn work give him some space and time to cool off', 'Whats the point in going through life putting all your love towards something that will never return the feeling? Maybe if I up and leave the place Im in because every corner is just another memory of my mind and heart being broken. Although I have no way to leave right now, so Im just trying to work on getting out and maybe Ill find somewhere I can call home. I feel like such a dick for saying it, but the people who are in my life and who love me just dont seem like enough because I cant fully connect with any of them. Even the person who is my best friend, I still feel really distant and detached. I feel like I bring everyone down when Im with them, or at least when they ask me whats wrong and demand to know. They can tell somethings off with me even when Im trying to hide it but I just feel like a burden because I cant over this pain.', 'So first things first, its considered "healthy" to think about killing yourself. But not plan it out or anything, just like "Oh I fucked up I really wish I were dead right now." because it shows that you are capable of admitting mistakes. Now on the school thing, you need to tell your dad whats up. If you do what he always says, hell control you all your life. Youve got to tell him "Hey, dad. Look I love you, but I dont want to go to YOUR school and do whats be for ME. Because thats not whats best for me, its what YOU think is best for me." Youve got to make some of your own choices. Dont plan out a suicide though, that wouldnt solve anything. Besides this has a solution to it. Just speak your mind to your father, work up the courage. Yeah, itll be hard but Im sure youve got support. Be true to yourself, be who you are.', 'Honestly, man Ive been there. The BEST solution possible, is to forget girls for a while. For the "cant get my mind off her" thing, thats always a little tricky. Find something that takes complete interest for you (preferably not music because that usually just ignites thought of the missed person) and just completely let it take hold of you. For me a few months ago it was books and helping my friend with his video game walkthrough channel on YouTube. I just helped him edit the audio/visual and I stopped thinking about the girl. For you what it seems like, is youre confiding your life and happiness way too much into another person. You need to find the love for life FOR yourself and BY yourself. Eventually, youll find that girl whos meant for you. But you need to work on yourself first, and stop putting so much of your heart into another people. Dont give too much of yourself to somebody too fast.', 'xD I really needed that. Im going through some stuff and dwelling on the past. That spider, oh the face at the end made me laugh pretty hard.', 'All I can say is hang in there. Find something you love, something that you can take and actually try to make a living with. Life is all we really have for sure. Im sure theres someone you know who disagrees with you and would listen to you if you open up to them. Maybe lay off the booze, they dont help. Ive been down that road, all you get is a hangover and you feel worse about yourself the next day. Drugs don help either, they may feel like they do but then you start noticing stuff about yourself when you are high. When I was strung out on drugs, I was an embarrassment and I failed most of that year of school. I lost three months last year to drugs and cant remember what happened, my friends just said I made a lot of bad decisions and made a lot of people hate me. So just find something about yourself you love. Think of what hobbies you are into, what talents you have, what you are really good at. And dont say that you arent good at anything, because thats bull. Everybody is good at something, its just a matter of how you choose to use it. ', 'You start feel like theres something wrong with you after awhile. You wonder why people would do such a thing to someone who truly cares. Why would they take advantage of it, use it, and then forget about you like some broken toy. Im sorry that youre going through such Pain experiences. Ive been going through the same thing in life too, but dont stop caring. Never stop caring. People are going to Pain you and that sucks so much, but somewhere theres someone who needs someone to care. Who has no one else who cares and your kind hearted ways will help them so much. Dont allow those who Pain you lead you to change how and who you are. Then they win. You may feel stupid for continuing to care, but you arent. It takes a lot more strength to pick yourself up and continue to care more than it does to give up and become like everyone else. This world needs people who care, we need you. Youll find people who will appreciate your ways. Keep strong.', 'Thats beautiful! You ever think about pursuing a career as an artist? I think youd make it with that type of talent, keep the pen and pad close to you because you really have something amazing there.', 'I feel like a dick for responding with your broken arm and all, but "one less person to deal with"? If I didnt honestly want to help you I wouldnt have commented on your post. And Im sure your friends do care but they are just trying to avoid the issue because they probably think getting your mind off all this will be better. Most people think that helps, but talking about a situation is what really helps. Thats why you should really talk about it with someone.', 'Dont do it! It wont solve anything, wouldnt you rather be able to look back and say "I did it, I stuck through and survived" instead of having a tombstone say "rest in peace"? And you even think about saying "No one would care if I die." well youre wrong because I just read your submit and well I care. Keep fighting through your classes, and fuck the people who say being a writer/editor isnt a real job. Those people are needed in almost EVERY line of business! You would be an important person in society for those skills. Other words, things would get published and have errors and then people would get confused and would be lost. Being an editor is line being a lighthouse on a dark, rainy night. Finding a job is hard though, yes and for that Im sorry I dont know were to begin to help. But dont kill yourself, that would be terrible. Keep hope and love in your heart. Do things that make you happy, and for your own sake you should really think about moving. At least to a nicer place in town, if such a thing exists. If you need someone to talk to, you can message me you want. Just dont give up. :)', 'You say you want to be appreciated, well you pointing out that without you your family business would probably go belly up. That is something special right there. As for your family, perhaps you should try getting closer to them and attempt to become comfortable with opening up to them. Family is important, I didnt want to open up to my mom about wishing I were dead either but then I talked about it. And the sense of relief I felt from it was a reason to live in of itself. Just start having out with your family and get closer to them, that may help with the loneliness. As for the partner situation, keep your head up and be yourself. Although worrying about the partnership situation AFTER you handle the Depression period. Dont put your faith and hope into a person just because theyre your partner and you want to be with someone. We all want love, but we need to learn to love ourselves and love life first before we can work on finding someone to spend your life with. ', 'Yeah! That last paragraph had the spirit. Dont beat yourself up for other people leaving. Thats life, people came into your life and people go out. As for that one person you go to who you say you "basically torture with your sadness" just go to them to hang out and be with somebody. Im sure you arent torturing them, but if you do feel that way just talk to them about other issues, like how their day was (just an example; not implying that you never ask that) but hopefully you get the jist of what I am saying.

Ideation

The reason I have faith in our species ability to spread and survive is that homo sapiens have surpassed themselves over and over again throughout their existence. The species does not stop toiling in its growth for my grand hopes or your bleak existential questioning, rather it utilizes these ideas to bolster its rapid acceleration of ability and the scope of its influence. I believe humanity (it can still be called humanity at that point) will do things unimaginable by the likes of you or me, as it has a billion times previous. Colonization of other planets is not so far out of our grasp as to warrant the need to invoke faith. I take it almost as fact that we can accomplish something as small as relocation of our species.Terraforming too, is something I find small potatoes in the grand scheme of human invention and achievement. Look at the world around you, we have practically covered the surface of our planet with an asphalt mesh of roads. We have dammed rivers, created lakes, and cleared forests. Soon we may colonize the moon, which is little more than a dusty rock ball that happens to have a few ice-water caches within its craters. I consider theres a chance that our species will ultimately be wiped out, just as I consider theres a chance that when I compete I will be destroyed by those better than me, that when I leave my house I will get mowed down by a careless vehicle etc. However this does not stop me from striving to achieve my goals anyway, and I want you to know that ignorance regarding the point of our existence is no excuse for not continuing said existence. We may not matter to the universe, but as far as I can tell nothing does, the only being that cares about my existence is other humans around me. I wont exist in 100 years Ill bet, but that doesnt mean that there is no meaning to the lifetime I find myself occupying now.From what I can gather of you, you have a thirst for knowledge. I daresay discovering new ideas of the world *makes you happy*.You say yourself that you would have ended it long ago if not for your endeavors in knowledge. I want to ask you, have you ever tried living for another person? Have you recently sought to gain happiness by providing joy to another? I myself Tired much enjoy gaining scientific knowledge, but I find making others happy and the pursuit of flow, the state of ones skill level meeting ones challenge, the things that make me the most happy. I also gain great pleasure from stories, relating to the trials of a character and his achievements, hopes and failures.I can try to prescribe these activitys for you, but if the pursuit of knowledge is truly what can stimulate action from you, if it gives you a reason to act and to have goals and to watch yourself achieve them then perhaps you could try to live your life furthering humanitys understanding of the universe. You also have a penchant for philosophy (which is ultimately the school of thought that your ideas lie in, merely borrowing from physics to explain them). Maybe you could try to find your solution within philosophical texts.My point is that you have a capable brain, and I judge you as being far from unimportant, both to our species and to myself. The universe cannot disagree, as unfortunately for it it has no means (to our species knowledge) of observing our existence.I want you to know that I responded to your post because it stimulated my mind, and not because I had the need to stop you from dying. Your existence has meaning with me for a quality you are lucky to possess, not just because you are another faceless member of humanity and I have some broad sweeping principle idea that no humans should commit suicide. Your existence holds meaning with me, and with others, and so I bid you temporarily excuse its lack of meaning with you and the universe.If you commit suicide now, it will be too late. I already have felt your existence affect my life, and because of that your own existence will have a hand in shaping my future existence, which will shape the existence of many others, inanimate or not. You cannot stop yourself from having existed, only from continuing to exist. You lost the chance to not affect the rest of universe during conception, and now you have no choice but to continue affecting it, one way or another. That said, I challenge you to the pointless task of living a full life and going out in a blaze of beautiful glory, having positively touched the lives of many others (just as you have already touched my own) and having achieved a goal that holds a grand measure of importance to *you*. You say that you cannot commit suicide until you are sure that it is the answer, and I say that just because you or I cannot know the point of our existence does not mean that there is not one. I say that until you experience the the wonder of pure joy resulting from having filled another with joy, that until you have achieved something that is important to the unique individual human being that is you, that until you have lived a Tired fulfilled existence that you cannot accurately judge whether there is a point to it or not, at all.I leave the rest up to you, I have given you my surest reasoning as to the point of continued existence and you have the choice of believing it, or denying it and nitpicking at my interpretation in order to fulfill the world view you have previously indicated you have or Fear may be true of the universe... or you can simply take a small part or two of what I have said and use it to shape a new view. I invite you to live gloriously, pointlessly, and awesomely and this invitation will not expire.', 'The thing is, black holes dont swallow space around them like a vacuum, they have a limited size gravitational field and masses outside of that field are unaffected. What I mean is, a black hole will not simply pull all objects towards it, only the ones within the reach of its gravitational force. Furthermore, Wikipedia states "In 1974, Stephen Hawking showed that black holes are not entirely black but emit small amounts of thermal radiation.[24] He got this result by applying quantum field theory in a static black hole background. The result of his calculations is that a black hole should emit particles in a perfect black body spectrum. This effect has become known as Hawking radiation. Since Hawkings result, many others have verified the effect through various methods.[74] If his theory of black hole radiation is correct, then black holes are expected to emit a thermal spectrum of radiation, and thereby lose mass, because according to the theory of relativity mass is just highly condensed energy (E = mc2).[24] Black holes will shrink and evaporate over time. The temperature of this spectrum (Hawking temperature) is proportional to the surface gravity of the black hole, which for a Schwarzschild black hole is inversely proportional to the mass. Large black holes, therefore, emit less radiation than small black holes."So, black holes dont last forever, they actually lose mass over time! Furthermore, given the length of time we have until our sun becomes a red giant and the earth becomes uninhabitable, humans have a large fighting chance of being able to populate habitable planets surrounding other stars. If life is designed to perpetuate life, through means of natural selection as well as through survival during celestial travel via [panspermia](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Panspermia), as well as through the eventual evolution of cognitive function, which grows into scientific reasoning and technological advances eventually leading into a species gaining the ability to inhabit other worlds, then the destruction of our solar system will not mark the end of life. It may mark the end of humans, theres no way to tell... but I can tell you confidently that we wont take it lying down. When species compete with each other to adapt and be the fittest for survival, the real winner is always biodiversity for earths biosphere as a whole. A variety of species in many areas living many different ways increases the likelihood of life continuing, in any form, by reducing the risk of any single catastrophic event occurring.I guess my point is that life will strive to continue, and singularities dont last forever. If you follow the big bounce theory then all mass and energy would continue to exist following the next big bang, should the universe return to a singularity once more. There is a point to our lives as humans, and we will continue to struggle to claim our place in the universe. Please dont give up hope. Im sorry my answer is more science-y and less therapeutic. If you feel you need some engaging discussion with someone who is willing to put forth the effort into actively seeking to understand your ideas, Im more than willing to talk via PM or right here in the comments. ', 'New stars are made all the time, whilst old ones burn out. Sentient life with the ability to travel to and inhabit other planets (especially with the ability to terraform them precolonization) can manage to survive the appearance of a black hole occurring within its home solar system, and in theory survive like this providing it the ability to survive most celestial disasters. A universal cataclysm may be enough to take out a species or group of species living in such a manner, but we dont know enough about the end of the universe, or the possibilities of life experiencing extra-dimensional travel in order to truly say with any confidence what could happen. I find myself perplexed with my ideas surrounding life, for if it is designed (I use this word in the least literal sense possible) to survive cataclysms and disasters and black holes and the impact of other celestial bodies and continue to multiply and diversify and survive, I wonder at its purpose. Surely there is a reason... I find myself drawn into some ideas I picked up when reading a short bit of Raymond Kurzweils The Singularity is Near. I strongly suggest reading that book for a taste of his Tired interesting and stimulating ideas on evolution, both in the biological world and the inorganic world. I should go back to it myself. Alas, I will have to continue this discussion tomorrow, like yourself Ive had a few drinks tonight, and more than my fair share of hoots this afternoon. Dont lose hope friend, and I hope you can find a measure of solace in the knowledge that having a human being like yourself in the gene pool, who can actively ponder the philisophical dilemma of humanities ultimate universal fate is evolutionarily genius, and nothing but a boon for our species. You truly belong in humanity, and we are better for your presence.

Supportive

A book is usually what I do when Im getting down, but it doesnt work when I start getting panicky. Ill try the carbs, the caffeine doesnt work because Ive gotten it in a movie theater and had a soda with me...', 'A few reasons. I feel backed into a corner mostly. And Im Tired of being Tired of everything. If that makes sense.', 'Thank you! I understand its a sad thing. But I also want people to realize that there can be humor in anything and its the best way to deal with this. Its how I would do it. ', 'I really dont want to ask for help. Id rather not let anyone know Im having these kind of issues.

Ideation

Dont do it man. Seriously this is making me sad. I dont know you but I feel like youve got something to offer. Everyone does. Maybe not now, maybe next year, but some time. You will figure it out. My dad killed himself in his 70s. We all miss him dearly. He didnt think anyone wanted/needed him anymore and his body was failing. If he only knew how much we Pain now many years after.

Indicator

Whats up? Tell me. Im here for you. ', 'Wow. I cant imagine how heavy this must be on you. Cancer is bottom line, scary. I can tell you love your family so undeniably much. You care, and that shows tremendous strength. You are stronger than you know. I believe in you! (Im going to guess youre a male?) Two years, with your girlfriend. Both of you, have stuck together for a solid amount of time. Shes still with you, by your side, and you by hers! Its okay to be afraid, its being human! Being 16, is hard. You need to focus on what will get you ahead, school, education. Focus on having fun, and leaving people that drag your beautiful soul down. Be strong for those who cannot be strong enough for themselves. Remember, I love you. ', 'When I feel blue, I re-arrange my belongings. Living room too. I take down any decorations (cheesy, I know) and refresh them with others. I clean inbetween intervals and blare some fucking jams. Open your windows too. Make the space new, but make it your own. ', 'Do you enjoy school? Any hobbies? Sports? How is your girlie doing? Does she know the intense Pressure youre under? Have you ever talked to someone about your anxiety? (Doesnt necessarily mean a therapist either.) Would you like to PM instead?

Supportive

I wish I could give a shit about what would make it to the front page. I have been there and got nothing. Same as my life. I do have a gun.', 'I thought I was talking about it. I am not on a ledge or something, but I do have my .357 in my lap.', 'No. I made sure she got an education and she knows how to get a job. I also have recently bought her clothes to make her more attractive. She has told me she only loves me because I buy her things.

Behavior

I have one question for you: whatre your interests? Specifics, please.', 'YOU ARE NOT IN PRISON! My God, you are not in a federal (maximum-security) prison. Could you even imagine it? What if someone, for example, planted something crazily illicit on your hard drive, and you were sentenced to 5-10 years for it? THAT would make me want to kill myself. That anguish you feel toward the world is fuel. Your impetus for changing our current global situation rests in your despair. You CANNOT kill yourself. We simply cannot afford it. You are currently (and luckily, too) only constrained by your mental faculties. You are lucky enough to live in a society that lets you speak freely! You can even invent new ideas that change the world. Embrace your liberty!Please let me know about your progress in changing our planetary circumstances. You are our hope! Enjoy!', '"Make a living?" Do what you love. Get MORE education. If you love something, money will follow. You just have to love it more. Go get your MA. Then your Ph.D. Teach it! Research it! What areas of history are your favorite? I specialize in prehistory.', 'Do you know what death is like? Every time I feel like ending it, Ill imagine a true hell: being stuck in my body. I imagine after my heart stops and brain ceases to function, being able to see my dead body. I imagine seeing my family discovering my dead body... What if thats what awaits you when you kill yourself? Death *may* actually be worse than being alive. ', 'I know what you mean. I think about blowing my brains out frequently... I just think about the immensely sweet relief that Ill feel when my constant Anxiety and Fear no longer exist. All of my issues will disappear, and thats all that matters. Why is suicide bad, again? If I am in a certain position in life that is *horrific*, then why should I continue? I am a chemically normal person. That Fear I mentioned above is a result of my bad decisions. I will soon lose my freedom, one way or another. ', 'You didnt get accepted to any Masters program? Did you form a strong bond with that one history teacher?', 'Why dont you, instead of killing yourself in Italy, do something else in Italy? Something interesting...', 'Wait! I hope youll read this comment before you do anything crazy...Life exists outside of the constraints that the universe has set for you. Your bad parents, your horrible upbringing, and your despicable circumstances are all things of the past. All you need is 24 hours of motivation. Purchase a plane ticket and leave everything else behind. I hope, sincerely, that you dont kill yourself. ', 'Like /u/regretnope said, theres certainly no need to rush this. Why not wait and talk? Whats the worst part about your life?', 'You, my friend, are not defined by your job. You are defined by your actions. Blowing your brains out will certainly leave a mark on your loved ones. I am here for you, man.', 'You love coding. Is it something you occasionally look up on Wikipedia or YouTube, or do you actually know how to code?', 'Oh, my god. Do you actually LOVE history? Im getting my degree in Anthropology. I love Anthro. I went into it because I cant wait to get a Ph.D in my favorite subject.Do you LOVE history? And that whole stereotype about liberal arts degrees being "useless" is really stupid. If you want me to go into it, I will.', 'So glad to hear youre alive, dude. Im always here to talk (seriously). ', 'Dude! Your daughters life will NOT be better without you. I want to make that clear. That is seriously the most true thing Ive ever said in my life. Leave your SO if things arent working out. You WILL get partial custody of your daughter, and she will grow up knowing her dad. You are not defined by a job, and getting fired from a job is something everyone goes through. Youll find a new job, and youll get back on your feet. What are you up to, currently?', 'Your most prominent thought might be, "how will I ever find another like her?" That is the most poisonous of thoughts. I know you thought she was perfect, and I know you thought that youll never get another like her, but you will. Dont worry. ', 'I know how difficult it is to sit there and watch the days pile up. "Oh, look. Its another day where I didnt do anything." The more the days go by, the harder it gets. The first thing you need to do is *forgive yourself*. ', 'I looked at your post history, and it seems youre a marijuana user. Wont you miss that? Then again, that could simply be what is helping you cope.In my mind, there are two types of suicide: reactionary suicide and clinical suicide. The latter exclusively involves a mental Illness such as depression, while reactionary suicide can involve a mental Illness, but it also involves the happening of some tragic event(s). Which describes you?', 'You mention legacy; what is its use? The way you touch and help people is timeless. It is what people will remember you for. You literally must *not* kill yourself. Life is not about "destiny." Your destiny has not been written. Any impediments that you currently face can be washed away with ease. Every wasted dollar, broken relationship, and wasted time can be easily redeemed. Enjoy your new life!', 'Please dont do anything drastic. Break-ups are *always* difficult. Those feelings youre feeling are completely normal, and you shouldnt feel bad about them. How old are you? Your life may seem valueless at this point, but it really isnt! Your spouse does not define you, and you are so much more than that. Seriously. One day, eventually, youll finally see the collection of your ambitions and aspirations manifest themselves into a... perhaps... career (or some other venue). Please dont give up hope!I am always available (no, seriously, I am). Please dont be afraid to message me, buddy! Im here for you!', 'Whats your degree in? How old are you?', 'How much aid do you need for a Masters program?', 'You are more than your test scores. You have a lot to offer, friend, and you are just getting started. One day, 40 years from now, youll remember those days when you felt suicidal, and youll be happy. Youll be happy that overcame everything. What are your interests?', 'I hope I can put it in a Tired direct way: there is *nothing* worse that you could do for your daughter than killing yourself. Please stay with us. Everything youve done is forgivable. Whats something youre ashamed of?', 'Yep. Identical to me. Dont know what the hell to do. ', 'You dont know me, but I certainly care about you. I would donate my time, if I physically could, to getting your life back on track. Since I cant physically be there, I could help you get your life back on track via other means. You have a lot to offer, whether you know it or not, and itd be a genuine shame to see you go. People *do* care. If you acquire just a *little* motivation, you can do amazing things. ', 'You are at a Tired young and fragile time in your life. How can your friends be "moving on" when youre all in high school? You have *so* much time to do absolutely *whatever* youd like, and its even better because you have no impediments encumbering you. Youre not blind, youre not going to prison, and you have both of your hands. The world is yours to mold, so jump in! You have all the time in the world, so dont worry. ', 'Whats your dream? Forget realistic.', 'Your best friend is clearly not your friend. He is crazy. Please do not even consider killing yourself. I have been through a lot myself, and I am always here for you. Please message me as much as you want. ', 'What are you going through? How could you end your life when you have so much to offer? Think about your many interests; you havent even explored them, yet! You have many duties, and drinking bleach will only be a blight on your obituary. Your obituary is yet to be written. You have no limits. Dont waste your life away. ', 'What about Masters programs at other schools?', 'Im here for you. I can text, call, Skype, whatever. No judgements. Please PM me if youre interested. Hang in there. ', '>doing it for "myself" seems pointlessDont do it for yourself, then. And certainly dont regard human life as a "game," almost as if theres a single way/process to win it. Seeing yourself as a "resource Hungry animal" is not a correct way to think. It isnt healthy, either. Being able to form sentences like you did in your post means you have *tremendous* value. That value translates extremely plainly into the real world. If you can form sentences, then there is no doubt that you have mental faculties that can analyze, plan, and decipher information in a meaningful way. There are billions of humans who are struggling to survive. Turn your "waste of a human" self into a person whose mere existence transcends borders, nationalities, and prejudices. *Help others*. You will, in turn, help yourself my giving yourself an unprecedented amount of worth. ', 'You arent worthless. No one is "worthless." What are your interests? I can personally train you in a few things. You wont drag her down with you if you dont let it happen. Your daughter needs you, and you are already doing her many favors by simply being in her life.

Ideation

You are not alone, my dear. You have two parents who, from what you said, love you unconditionally. Please please please dont kill yourself. Parents are not supposed to bury their children. At 24, you have SUCH a life ahead of you! This situation is temporary. It really sucks and I feel for you. But as bad as it seems, it will get better. Trust me when I say that it will get better. You have the desire to be more mentally healthy, right? You have the power to change your way of thinking. I know the spiral of starting to believe your negative thoughts. Your brain is LYING to you. You are a wonderful and unique human being with so much to give back. Every day, look in the mirror and name 5 good things about yourself. It will feel silly at first, but something about looking at yourself and saying, e.g., "I am caring." will get you to eventually believe it. Feel free to PM me anytime you need a lift from the darkness. ', 'No life is accidental; especially not yours. I want so much for you to live. I want you to get away from those poisonous people. I want you to start seeing a psychologist (avoid a psychiatrist if you can. they seem more interested in doling out pills than giving you real skills to combat your negative thoughts.). I want you to accept and love yourself for who you are. I want you to get through this and come out the other side. Think of all the young people in similar situations that you can help. You are not alone. You are beautiful. Please dont end your life. ', 'Could you join a support group? Im not sure where you live, so I dont know the resources you have. I found talking to people in similar situations really helped. I would try looking into a psychologist; sometimes a change in therapist is good. Have you asked for help? I know that seems like a silly question and if that came across negatively I am so sorry. I just know that, for me, asking for help was the hardest part. Once I did, I found that so many people wanted to help me. Concerning the license, could you get a bike? Even an old crapper from the thrift store is a start. Exercising will also stimulate those good endorphins and hopefully have you feeling better. I feel ya on the job front. Times are tough and your situation is tougher. Go into every business and put in applications. Once you have a job, its easier to find a better one. The social interactions with your colleagues can also help you feel less isolated. Try not to let your Fear of acceptance deter you. I like to listen to "I Am What I Am" from La Cage Aux Follies when Im feeling bad about myself. Back on the subject... all that I have said above will help you escape the prison of your mind. I can see how moving to a more enlightened area will help you. The reality is that, for now at least, youre stuck where you are. So, work on escaping from those negative thoughts. If someone knocks you down (figuratively), get back up. Because we both know that A. you dont deserve that treatment and B. they are full of shit. You are a good person, worthy of love. I have a mental method my psychologist taught me to build myself up; would you like to give it a try? I really hope my words helped you.', 'Look in the mirror and say 3 positive attributes you have. It will feel silly at first, but its important that you maintain this every day. Im on my mobile right now. When I get home Ill write more.

Ideation

No you are not bothering anyone. View it like this: if you were bothering, would there be a subreddit only for people like you? ', 'Thanks :)', 'Nobody will say that to you if you dont have anybody to talk to', 'I dont think it would be a good idea to make it pay-to-visit. I think it would scare away a lot of people who need help. We could make it ad-based, it wouldnt make much money but enough to power the servers.And the real-life-meeting wont work in the first weeks, because if there are just for example 1000 people who use that website they wont be all over the world. We already have luck when there are two who speak the same language.Im trying to start now but I cant promise anyhting.I just need a name to start, any suggestions?', 'I need it because of the chat function. But even when everybody only brags about the good moments in their lifes, I realize that I havent got any of this good moments', 'Im sorry that Im only able to give the two standard answers, but from my experience they really help:At first, if you dont do already, talk about everything. Everything you want to talk about (or even dont want to talk about)My other recommendation is the butterfly project: http://butterfly-project.tumblr.com/ for example she could do it with your name.I hope I could help a little bit. Take care of each other :)', 'Please tell us youre still there. Talk with us! Please...', 'Please tell us you are still alive! Nothing in this world is bad enough to kill yourself! Talk to us, it will help!', 'First of all: why would you want to do that? There are many things worth living for. Do you have any specific problems? Do you want to talk about them with the community / me?There is no easy way to die and even when its easy for you, its horrible for other people.', 'yes that would be a nice idea but it requires a lot of work, I hope Ill start tomorrow after school. Do you have any ideas for a name? I am sorry to say that but I see follwing problems in this idea, although I would like to work with it:1. A domain costs money, around a few $/month and the free servers are likely to crash every few days.2. Then, how should they contact? I owuld suggest adding multiple options like skype/reddit/phone/kik/etc.3. What about privacy?4. Maybe there are some idiots who want to harm other - already self-harming - people.5. I would need somebody to do the translation as my English isnt as good as it should be.What if, instead of meeting, we just offer a country based, skype/reddit/etc. adress book so that everyone in for example Germany gets the skype ID from somebody else in Germany?', 'I just found out that there already is an app for that: TalkLife on Google Play (didnt check on App Store)', 'Hey :)I think Im in a smiliar situation as you. Do you have any reasons for being depressed? I know this question sounds dumb since there arent always reasons when you have a Depression, but if you have reasons, feel free to talk about it, the community and I will listen to you.And take a look on the positive sides: You wrote that a lot of people think your Depression gets better, so there are people who care about you. You should pick one or two of them and just talk openly about your problems and you will probably see how much they care about you. And if (what I hope you dont do) really kill yourself, they will be destroyed and maybe get a Depression themselves. Do you want the people who care about you fell the way you feel?Now for the self-hamring part: I too have been self harming for months. I suggest you the butterfly project: http://butterfly-project.tumblr.com/ It has really helped me although I cant promise that it helps everybody but its definitiely worth trying it.Tl;dr: Talk about your problems :)', 'I dontt know why, this song always cheers me up alittle bit: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KqgHosrqJ8o', 'Thank you, that are great names :)', 'Hello :)do you have reasons for thinking like this? did anything happen that makes you think like this? do you want to talk about it? The community and I will be here for you.:)', 'At first: thank you for seeking help on here. Do you have any reasons for your suicide thoughts? you should talk about the reasons, the community and I will be here for you.Just dont do anything you will regret later.:)', 'yeah but I see them in their successful moments and realize I havent got any successful moments', 'My problem is not that people on social media are cunts, they are much more successful than me and that makes me feel bad', 'carry her to the next car and drive her to the hospital. if you are not stron enough ask f.neightbours to help you. Or just call 911', 'Just dont kill yourself. You have something to live for: Your cat! Just imagine what it would be like to her if her best friend wouldnt be there anymore. She couldnt stand this, so just dont do it.', 'You really should tell her mother, she has to know what happens to her daughter ', 'iOS too, online too: http://talklife.com.au/

Behavior

oh, doh.I had someone tell me similar recently, so took it seriously.', 'Hes calling out someone for promising "it will get better," while still acknowledging that sometimes things do get better. Hes hardly the worst kind of person.', 'Few posts here fall into that category. Its to be expected of a suicide board. If you cant deal with the reality of being powerless to help a truly Suicidal person, you shouldnt be posting here. And why would you remove anonymity when the primary reason people post on here instead of calling a hotline is so they can be safe from the cops?', '> And then one day I picked up a camera. I havent made any money off it yet, but it is the one thing that gives me a reason to carry on. I want to escape from my life. I still cant stand my own skin, but as long as I can take a few pictures today, Im happy.I was looking into canceling a preorder I have pending for a camera and buying a tank of Excessive upper gastrointestinal gas to do myself in with not a minute ago. Logged onto reddit and saw this. Eerie.', 'It does pay out if youve had your policy over 2 years.', '"Hey faggot, go start a revolution?" How is that supposed to help anyone? The whole irony of the Suicidal mindset is the willingness to pay the ultimate price for nothing at all.', 'Thats pretty standard, really. I dont know about your friend and dont mean to belittle your friendship, but an outpouring of sympathy after a death doesnt necessarily mean people knew much about the deceased or had any real concern for them while they were alive. Or perhaps they did but it was too long ago. People for the most part are quite blind to others, and communal grieving is a powerful, cathartic thing that mostly exists for its own sake. To someone Suicidal who really feels friendless, the thought of old acquaintances taking real notice of them is often part of the appeal. In their minds theyre more useful dead than alive.', 'The suicide rate is not low. Dont forget its 12 of every 100K *per year*. Thats a Tired narrow timeframe. People have a lifetime in which to commit.Heres a rough attempt at a clearer estimate for the US. The suicide rate now is about 35K a year. The average person who suicides is in his/her early 40s and so was born at a time there were about 3.5 million births a year. That would put the suicide rate at about 1% over a lifetime. Even with the present 4.1 million a year birth rate, its 0.85%.Thats far too many suicides, and certainly many more deeply unhappy people who make it to the end. Its epidemical.', '> I fell in love with a beautiful person, someone who was there for me and wanted to walk with me through all the difficult times.Im amazed a Depression person can actually find a romantic partner who tolerates and helps. I have a couple online friends I can confess to, but maybe not enough to really get me out of myself. I get the sense that people generally only want to see me happy or dead, and that Im insufferable otherwise.I may be mistaken but remember reading that one of the big dating sites, that makes you take a personality test, does not offer matches for anyone who scores too high on depression. That Depression people have to go it alone and heal themselves before love is even possible. Probably true for most.

Ideation

Im interested, since youve pretty much described my life. Im a guy, so not so many men willing to have sex with me, but the emptiness/friends of obligation is Tired familiar. Id Tired much like to hear more of your story.', 'The apathy, too. Only reason I didnt kill myself tonight is because I procrastinated until I thought I might be discovered.

Behavior

No need for thanks it just makes me happy that it maybe helped someone else.', 'I would never wish muchless wish someone to take my burdens. I just wanted you to know you arent alone', 'Im twenty three years old and my body (as told by doctors) is that of a sixty year olds within due to an accident I was in. I was hit by a truck when I was eleven and Ive been battling Depression since. My nana the one and only person in my world that understood died Oct 1st 2002 and I was hit on Apr 15th 2003 when my birthday was on May 28th. It sucked massively and since that age I was homeschooled but I had to teach myself. No teachers. No friends. No nothing.. my mom had taken to hitting me a lot and really breaking me down physically, emotionally, and everything the year my Nana got Illness and we were taking care of her and that was when I was 9. My bio father has been in and out of my life and Ive been Illness since I was two years old. My dad didnt want me cause I was a Illness kid and have done nothing but get worse. Ive been raped and many other things I cant go to college due to seizures and I cant do what my heart desires.. Im so sorry for your Pain but you are NOT alone in it, yes its all different to everyone but the common is that we understand.I know it seems your life is hopeless and isnt going anywhere. I know youre ignored and not heard but I hear you and I feel you. As much as it would be freeing what happens when right before you hit it blinks in your mind STOP.. Ive downed a bottle of pills before, i used to cut, used to choke myself but never could finish it no matter how bad I wanted to no matter how badly I needed to because at the end right before blanking out my brain would scream stop. Music helps, art helps, writing helps, just you gotta find your release and until then talk to me message me. Tell me how you feel and Ill listen Im right here. Ill hear you..

Attempt

Live for others you say?', 'My trigger. Well, I cant drink alcohol. I know it, but then, I have so much fun then I want to drown. I drink little now, but I drank today, when Ive had an issue. How can you not drink, when its your culture, when the reality is youre outside if you dont?', 'my whole life is a semi-stage of Depression mixed with periods of good times. at the moment i want to neck myself but my commitments in life prevent me from doing so. i continually say ill get past this point and then it wont matter, then some fuckhead mate has a wedding, or a family member has an important event and i defer. fuck the world.', 'for some reason, people like different shit, its good in that way.', 'Does one truly beat depression? Ive gone a fair while without a major depressive stint but still get some massive blue days.', 'One day I hope to get to NY, until then I will hold on for that hug.', 'Works for some people, doesnt work for others. Ive always played sport, exercising at least three times a Asthenia and some of my biggest lows have been after a session. ', 'dog is real though.', 'Yeah theyre the best', 'Ive never had anyone. ', 'http://www.southparkstudios.com/clips/154323/a-beautiful-sadness', 'i went and got really drunk and told some people at work a few days later where i was then told to go see a doctor who put me on Lexapro which got me seriously high for a few days.', 'i got totally fucked up one night, had sex with this girl, she was fucking amazing, i almost missed my flight home, wasnt sure how the fuck it all happend, got her number some how and then proceeded to text. there was no proof to anyone this chick existed or myself besides being that fucked up that in my mind i had sex with her, she came to visit me from 3500ks away, if she hadnt got off that plane, i would not have typed this.', 'got my first when i was 31. lasted 8 months maybe. then got a second, which lasted maybe the same. both of these birds some how accepted me for who i am, i dont know how, i honestly dont and it kills me trying to think that maybe there is another bird out there for me.ive figured that once chicks reach their late 20s theyre looking to build a nest, find women that are in that age range, late 20s-early 30s that are single and need to build a nest. ', 'Woody Allen movies are actually a reason not to live. ', 'Its hard to say really, being in debt has been a slight issue, loss of close friends, the lack of socialising and standing still in my job. ', 'I disagree/agree with some of distroid advice. Medication is fucked but it helps, consult a learned person if it isnt working. Dont take up bowling it is shit. Take responsibility for your life, dont make excuses. You can control certain aspects in your life, the things you cannot control, do not worry or depress about. Because you feel shit, it isnt bad, feel that shit, understand it, question it. Listen to shit self help tapes, while they are shit, they give you something to think about, they also help with asking yourself questions. Dont give up.', 'you saved yourself.', 'I was on 375mg. Worst shit ever, felt like a drug addict coming off, guess I was. Took about three months after getting off for the withdrawal symptoms to go away. When I first started using it went away for a weekend and forgot my meds, almost didnt get let on the plane home. ', 'your friends never get over it. one of my best mates, who i lived with at the time, killed himself while i was overseas, our other housemate, who is also a great friend found him hanging in his room. you dont get over that.', 'you can be isolated in a crowd. surrounding yourself with people who you feel are like rats or stink or just give you that feeling, that whatever you do, you cant fucking escape and you try and claw at the surface and youre stuck, youre stuck in this stench of life and misery and these roaches, they just swarm all over you and all you can do is breath in this stale fucking air, used by these parasites that you will never be able to shed. ', 'motion picture sound track kills me', 'my mother died from motor neuron disease, shit was real. she couldnt speak and would write stuff like, dont you love me? fucking killed me. i dont know how it relates, but it fucking sucks, whole family was fucked up for a serious amount of time, watching your mum die over a couple of years gave me serious mares.', 'I thought Id found someone but she rejected me once she became aware that I was Depression. Sympathy sex was okay. ', 'i was in the same boat bud, still am to a degree. the only contact i had with girls was drunken intercourse, late 20s it started to change, girls want to settle down in their late 20s, theyll settle for guys like us real easy if you show em you care.', 'its called livejournal.', 'its much better to text her at 3 or 4 in the morning when drunk.', 'Nice patronising.', 'all i can offer is maybe doing one thing every day that you dont want to do. stuff you procrastinate about. stuff that you think is not worth doing but then it gets you doing something.', 'youve just got to visualise it. ', 'I went through a serious bad trot, told my mates about it, they didnt really give a fuck, a year or so later, another mate of ours killed himself, I was overseas at the time, at the wake and afterwards, they were like we should take this as a warning, you know after what you went through and now Pete, we should look out for each other. Ive hardly heard from or seen these guys in the last three years, everyone disappeared.', 'most of the people i roll with wouldnt know half the shit i like, so i guess it is hard to know, ive found though the key with people who question me is to not give a fuck. ', 'seeing a way out of Depression is pretty hard, but there are generally steps to take, some work, some dont. i would just try to do one thing a day that i didnt want to, regardless of how small, it got me slowly into a better frame of mind where life stopped being chore.these days, i rarely have a dark day, though they still happen and its never likely to last more than a day. im aware of it when it happens and dont let myself get sucked in.', 'I thought it was a decent film, fucked up, but decent.', 'This is something I forget but keep trying to live by. I try to accept that I am without being, I still have far to go. Thank you for reminding me.', 'it is only when i get drunk that i really want to neck myself. i rarely drink now but when i do, most of the time i want to neck myself.', 'Id suggest not pilling out. Its not a great experience to wake up to and if you almost do the job but not quite you could be in a worse situation or leave it up to someone else to make the decision.', 'its a tough gig. i feel a bit AA about saying i havent had a rough day since last year, which seems almost as long as i can remember without feeling off. im not really sure how it all change, my financial situation isnt any better, my circle of friends hasnt Fatigue or decreased, i dont have a relationship, the only real thing that has happened is that i dont drink as much, well stuff all now and im more committed to being fit which has now turned around where i used to go for a run or do some exercise and i would experience some of the worst lows ever afterward and now i do it, i dont feel great, but i feel good. i honestly dont know how things have changed when on the outside nothing really has. all i can say is, keep to the things you like doing and the only self help tape that has done anything for me was one by steve chandler and it was really only one point it. doing something everyday, like stuff you procrastinate over about not doing. that motivated me for a short period.', 'do i need any explosions or guns firing?', 'thats pretty depressing actually.', 'yeah, the scales will be the icing.', 'im crashing out dude, will talk later.', '>What happens tomorrow, or what has happened yesterday or the day/week/month/year before, mean abso-fucking-lutely nothing.live for the moment eh. existence is futile.', 'maybe a cloud with a silver lining?', 'I got told to play video games. I dont see how the fuck that helps.', 'Things went like this, from 2007 to late 2008, work related back injury, anti-depressants, found out my mother had a terminal illness, got a small payout, move back home to be close to family and start a business with bro/sister, they didnt pay me but used my settle on the business/supporting myself, stopped taking meds, moved away, mother died same weekend, quit my next job, moved in with a good friend, doing serious credit card damage, friend kills himself, our close group of friends fall apart, couple months later, 30k in the hole and have been working ever since to get free again, of which Im still 15k from.', 'Just read the catcher in the rye a few hundred times, didnt work for me but Im still alive right? ', 'They prefer to call it Radelaide', 'What is the context? ', 'ive never had a sustained relationship, i dont think ive ever had sex when i havent been drunk or come down from a big night, while being Depression fucking sucks, like butters says, id rather experience a loss than never experience a gain or that other shitful quote it is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all. ', 'theyll bake a cake at some stage, banana cake to exact.', 'woody allen movies are on my not to watch list, so i dont know. killing yourself would be a terrible idea. i need some tips on screen writing, help me out. i want to make a short film with holden caulfield playing a game of checkers with jane gallagher, how do you think i should approach it?', 'my opinion would be dont take any medication involving SSRIs or SNRIs, like efexor because that shit is fucking chaos to get off.', 'The hardest part is not knowing why you want to die. I had this beautiful girl on top of me today, last night I was with her as well but I was Depression as hell and told her I didnt want to be with her that night. She came around today and I still felt like necking myself, I dont know why, why the fuck would want to neck yourself when someone says they adore you? ', 'I really liked this bird, had seen her on and off for a few months, had a really bad Asthenia and was on the edge. Saw her and she took me in, sympathy sex and then shut me down the next day after dropping me at the hospital. Im still here. Good times I guess. ', 'in the pits too.

Ideation

I hope you both can read this. Reading both of these things and seeing you respond to each other is totally just crushed me. It is so sad to see other people caught in between caring so deeply for others and caring so little for themselves that it actually becomes detrimental in itself. Clearly, you both have huge hearts and you are full of emotion and it would really suck a lot if you guys werent able to share that with the world anymore. And I know you both probably arent concerned about my opinion on the matter, as you stated above, but I think you want someone to share it with you anyway, or else you would have posted in the first place. You deserve everything. All the greatness to be had in your life is for you, and you deserve it. ', 'The only thing that can make this situation as bad as you really see it is if you completely give up. You are clearly smart, and you are clearly talented, and whether or not you can pay rent in a couple months will not change that. Your family loves you because you are those things, and they will always be more proud of your accomplishments than they will be disappointed in your setbacks. Life is scary as shit. Just remember that you can do whatever you want. You just got to commit. You have put a lot of effort into school, maybe its time to see the world or something? Or move a new place? I dont know. Even when it feels like there arent any options, there definitely are.

Supportive

> I know sometimes you will have days when you literally cant bear to move... thats me every day.Please dont belittle my depression. I have had this every year since I was 16, and its awful. I was told I am also likely to have it for the rest of my life. We unfortunately both suffer a lot, so please dont act like its a competition. (Forgive me if Im misinterpreting your comment.)', '>Internet people to the rescue!:)What are you studying? I was just talking to my advisor how Im Feeling nervous about how much work and Pressure there is in grad school (but he thinks I should go), and how I want to go somewhere close to home. His response: "Dont worry about it being close to home, you wont even have time to see anyone!" ...Way to help me with that first concern.', 'Let us know how it goes/went.', 'I just searched reddit for "forever alone" because thats how I feel. Maybe sharing my story will help...?Ive been feeling really alone at college lately and have gone out just once this entire semester. I forced myself to contact someone tonight and he told me to meet him and his friends at a frat house at 11. I showered, put on makeup, got all dressed up, and headed over there. I texted my friend and got no response. I went inside, asked around, couldnt find him. There was barely anyone there and the few who were were all freshmen. I left, still hoping to get a response. I drove to the bar where a lot of people hang out, but it looked pretty deserted so I didnt go in. Theres 24 hour grocery store around the corner, so I went in and picked up milk and candy for trick-or-treaters... *Forever alone.*But guess what? Tonight, were alone together.', 'Please look at [the post I just wrote](http://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/csrba/just_so_you_know_that_theres_a_good_chance_that/). Like you, I was a teenage girl with a great life (supportive family, caring friends, good grades, promising future) and was still Depression and suicidal. Now Im neither Depression nor suicidal, and Im grateful every day that I didnt kill myself a few years ago when it seemed like the only option.You say your OCD and Anxiety are self-diagnosed -- have you told anyone about your problems? It was Pain and difficult for me to do that, but its necessary. Please seek help.', 'Thanks. Im going to send an email to my professors now, just letting them know that Im Illness and going to be out of class. I just dont want them to know why, but Im afraid not explaining sounds suspicious.What do you mean by "back on track"? Are you back in school? My biggest Fear is not finishing college because of this. Not finishing is really not an option for someone from my family/area/background, and I want it for myself, too. I really love learning normally. ', 'How do I keep from losing friends at work?', 'Dont listen to douchebag casperrosewater. Its perfectly normal to need your parents to help you right now. However, they might not really understand the severity of the situation or want to face it right now. Try again to see if theyll find someone, if not, you call. Its tough and the mental health system is difficult, but youll find treatment. Dont give up.', 'Yeah, always.

Ideation

Its hard online. Its just like trying to sell yourself like a product on amazon so image is way more important. I think you need to meet someone in real life, so go out a little more. Go to the gym, work on yourself. Most of us are ugly. Probably the girl you showed your picture to is ugly, she probably just had a little more good traits but shes probably still no more than average. Its Tired shallow of her. ', 'Im sorry. Were you in a band?', 'As a BPD myself, my thoughts on this are that most people in the medical field (especially non-doctors) worked for their special 2 or 4 year degree in helping people so they can feel accomplished themselves. These people are good at school, thorough, competent with positive outlooks who usually have no idea how to be truly compassionate. The ones who make it through school (most of the time with a tough time) get out and have a little more compassion or are truly just blessed with seeing the world in someone elses shoes and understanding. It\'s not often you come across medical proffesionals like this. Most of them don\'t get past the "helping people" part in their mind. When they are 18 applying for college they go in with the mindset, "I\'m a normal person so I can just help all the crazy people by just being normal around them."', 'Feeling much better today. I just hate when you never know when the Suicidal thoughts are coming. ', 'Hope it ends well at least. Youre going to regret some things, but its true, some of the Pain of life are going to fade away right before your eyes. My thoughts are whatever lies ahead is just a repeat of a repeat and that youll be born again, and if thats true I hope you decide to stay longer next time. ', 'What a bummer. I really cant imagine your life. Is there anything youve ever thought of that would improve your quality of life? Something you never tried?', 'I cant say a lot of people can even imagine the Pain you are going through right now. There are still somethings I could suggest you might enjoy, like music, meditation and reading. Thats what I enjoy. I go to a course in miracles sometimes. They are really a loving group if you can find one around your area and attend. However, I also have Influenza-like Illness and can shit in a toilet on my own. To be honest, you make me feel so lucky as selfish as that sounds. Ive been so Depression lately and you make me feel like a ridiculous spoiled child. I dont know if telling you committing suicide is a bad or good idea because Im pretty Suicidal myself. A lot of people are, a lot of healthy people who have everything going for them, they end their lives everyday. So where does that leave you? I dont know. I dont know your situation enough and who is there rooting for you everyday besides the care giver, loving you and making sure you have what you need. Just continue to be as strong as you are, because its true youre much stronger than most to endure what you have to. And when times get tough, accept death is really just around the corner for all of us, so why not try and make the most of what you have left?', 'My mom tried to commit suicide twice in two years. Overdoses sent her right to the ER. Both times I thought she was dead, but the second time I really thought that. She had a stroke, couldnt talk or move, tubes down her throat, glazed over eyes, Watery eye Bloating symptom white skin, and pretty much brain dead, but somehow she snapped out of it and we somehow forgave her again. It was almost like someone out there gave her a second chance. The doctors said it was just another miracle. My sister also went to college for therapy because she wanted to understand more of my moms bipolar constantly being in and out of the mental wards all of our lives, but she eventually got Tired of it, switched to writing major and just got her associates. You cant live for your mom. You just cant. Youre too young and shes taking your life away and she really doesnt want that for you, she just doesnt know what else to do. Take care of her but remember you have your own life. Remind her of all the accomplishments shes made. A 600k house? A bmw? her own business? Those are HUGE feats barely anyone these days can accomplish, whether she lost it all or not. Remind her how proud you are of her and the great things she has done. I dont mean to say I had it worse but my mom was collecting Disability and a professional drug and alcohol addict almost all her life. They say, true freedom is getting everything youve ever wanted and then losing it. If thats true, remind her shes free of the burdens that the business and her divorce could have caused her. She can make a new dream and start all over now and if she can get back to dreaming and working towards those dreams, she might just take off after them again and feel better. ', 'Must have been nice. You cant play at all now? If you dont mind me asking how did this happen?', 'Dont let the rapists take control of what you need to do to fight them. They might send around the video anyway if you tell the cops or not, but the longer you wait the less the cops can do and the more scared and harder it will be. Please dont be ashamed. Someone needs to be punished here so do not let it go. Go to a trust-able person and work with the cops on what to do next.

Ideation

Try and get her to seek a therapist.They will help her.

Supportive

Thank you so much for the advice. The only real problem I guess I have now is that I told my Dad that my Suicidal thoughts and tendencies had gone away and now I need to have my parents get me to a therapist. Dont want to seem like a liar again...', 'So heres why I want to do it:Ive been Suicidal since I was in second grade because it (being Suicidal) runs in my family. I started really thinking deeply about it in fourth grade but nothing ever happened. Last year was easily my worst year and my best year all wrapped up in a big ball of deadly emotions. It was my best year because I finally got the courage to tell my parents that I was Suicidal. It was my worst year because I tried to kill myself three times that same year. After talking to my parents I felt this wave of happiness and clarity that made me feel like I really did belong here. Lately, however, the feeling are coming back and theyre stronger than theyve ever been before (other than the times that I really tried to kill myself.) I try to make people laugh everyday because it makes me feel like even if Im doomed to a life a despair and Feeling unhappy if I could bring a smile to someone else face I could at least feel like Im benefiting somehow. Recently I feel like an empty shell of my former self. I feel like no matter how hard I try to stay happy, the world keeps shooting me back down to reality. But reality sucks...Just recently I moved from a school where I knew almost everyone and could have easily made friends with anyone I wanted. Everyone in my grade respected me, anybody else looking at my life from the outside would think that my life was great. That I had no pain, no suffering constantly going through my head, but they were wrong. I cried myself to sleep almost everyday last year and decided that I couldnt go on living this way anymore. I wanted to move in with my Dad and start school over there. I felt like a fresh start was something that would clear up my entire life and allow me to live Stress free. I was wrong, nobody knows me for who I really am. Im living a fake life in a fake shell of who I really am and it sucks. I cant move back because then my grades would drop again, but if I stay here any longer I feel like everyday Im getting closer and closer to my fourth attempt at suicide. I could go on for a while about the reasons I want to end my life because theyve been building up since I was in fourth grade, however Im 15 and have school tomorrow so I cant tell my full story just yet. Anyways, theres an extremely rough outline of my story up until now... thanks for caring...', 'Thank you for doing so, Ill add this to the arsenal, the fight carries on...', 'Well the way I try to think about it is that there wouldnt be good people without assholes. Without assholes good people would just be people, and without good people assholes would also simply be known as people. I take solace in knowing that at the end of the day everything adds up to zero. Meaning that for every asshole out there, there is someone whos as much of a good person as they are an asshole. For every negative person, theres a positive person of equal value...', 'I did have a therapist for a couple of year but it didnt really seem to help the problem.', 'Thank you so much for the advice, Im sorry for your losses. I guess one of my problems is that, in my journey of a thousand miles, every time I take a step forward I seem to take two steps back. I see everyone else around me practically sprinting to the finish and I still have yet to cross the starting line...', 'Sure, what exactly is the topic? PM me if needed.', 'Yeah Im a drummer, helps me when Im Stress out. Also a nice form of exercise... ', 'Will do, lets hope this works. Kind of out of options...', 'I really just want to know how be happy again.', 'True, even if most days it doesnt feel like it, we always take SOMETHING away from everything that happens to us...', 'Aannnnnnnd I failed... again. Apparently pills just cause stomach Muscle cramp and Common cold chills...', 'Maybe on the outside...', 'I dont know, I feel like Im doing everything right and then the world punishes me for trying...', 'Greetings other other me.', 'As someone who thinks about suicide on a daily basis, a really helpful personal philosophy for me is that were all going to die eventually so why bother rushing it? If anything, this time we have right now should be spent showing life that were not its bitch, no matter how much it throws in our way.', 'I can kind of relate to the school thing. I switched schools as a form of suicide/rebirth. I wanted to start a new life as a new me, but now Im stuck in an even worse spot than I was in before...', 'Student...', 'Knowing me Id spend all the money on lithium. I need more lithium in me than the energizer bunny could ever dream about...', 'Sorry if this is unrelated, but may I ask how you got over your depression? I feel like Ive tried everything...', 'Anything that people will remember me for after Im gone. Ive done some things in my life that younger me never thought I would have accomplished, but none of it keeps the memory of me alive for Tired long. Im a musical prodigy (according to others) but that doesnt really get me anywhere I want to be. I cant make a career out of that to allow the memory of me to continue on...

Attempt

To update you guys friend called police in me got send to hospital. Im home now some one want to talk?', '15 here pm me please. Had a relationship that went south after she moved to England ', 'They use it as a threat to keep you alive. Im Im the same boat as you with my girlfriend I tell her and they threaten to call the police. It keeps you alive thats all I can say.', 'Exact same position as you. Gf cheated when she moved to England. Im 15 got Skype? Pm me! Also attempt suicide last Thursday', 'Remove that message of your number should have pmd it. You dont want bad people harassing you because trolls do pass through here.', 'Pm me your number or Skype or email or something!!!! I want someone to talk to too :) Im 15', 'Im trying to hold on dude tomorrow might be it', 'I tried before it didnt scare me away. I reattempted and again after that. Crying a lot right now.', 'If you know its Psychotic disorder than you know it isnt true.', 'Not my first love :) but thanks for trying to help. No just get home a sleep in the bathroom because I cant stand my family. And no with her I cant stand anyone l. I shut the lights and lay there to pretend Im dead its a lot simpler to just do it :', 'Same position as you and I would love to talk :)', 'Pm me again ', 'Im 15 wanna talk pm me ur number or Skype or something. I cut and have attempted suicide ', 'Dont give me that its just the constant let down of people around me to the point where Im done.I failed the first time in killing myself I wont fail again.', 'I have stuff I like doing and its fun and all but underneath Im dying inside so its not enjoyable and the meds arent working Im hopeless.', 'If you like rap the amazing lyricist who has passed now, Capital STEEZ was obsessed with the number 47. A great inspiration and a schizophrenic. All of his songs relate to it and sadly killed himself on 12/23/2012 which adds to 2047. Really interesting guy.', 'Still need Skype friend?', 'But that isnt how the system works, as much as you would like to believe that people who need help get help. In reality unless they can see it 100% you arent getting shit, especially with schizophrenia. If you know you need help but its all in your head you need to express to the less known that its a real problems so an act of someSort might be necessary. It isnt disgusting, the world isnt perfect. ', 'Dude you got Skype. Im in the same position as you. I build computers too. :) Edit: tried to end it last Thursday Im always free to talk. Life is worth it

Attempt

So your place could use a cleaning, I dont think that makes you evil. The good thing is that you acknowledge your feelings, again we cant control the way we think.', 'Im sorry that youre going through all that. But Id have to disagree when you say that you are selfish. You clearly care about your mom, and want dont want to make her life difficult. Killing yourself will not do that. You talk about missing chances and opportunities, but thats the great thing about life, there will always be more. Hang in there, I know you can do it. Ill be here if you need to talk.', 'Please reconsider, lets talk about this. Why do you want to die?', 'No problem, happy to do it. Yeah, studying can get a little overwhelming especially with your family bugging you. Stick with it man.', 'Its hard to show Feeling unhappy in front of the ones we care about. Its good that youre all there for each other. You and youre brother might both do better if you acknowledged your Feeling unhappy and leaned on each other. Just be happy is the worst kind of advice, from people who dont understand. Im sorry I have to go now, can I talk to you tomorrow?', 'I know youve heard it gets better before, but it bears repeating. I know its hard to meet new people, but if you keep at it eventually youll actually find some worth meeting. If you feel like talking to other people who might have similar problems might I suggest /r/introvert? Keep your chin up, and feel free to PM me if you need someone to talk to.', 'Im sorry that youve had to go through all that you have, but from what Im reading here I see a strong young man with a lot of potential. Working and school are tough enough, but finding the time to regularly work out and hold your family together? Props to you man. And when did it become pretentious to read? Fuck whoever told you that. Youre clearly a strong, smart man. I think you can fight your dark side, and overcome your problems to go on and do great things. Stay strong, I believe in you.', 'It sounds like you have a lot of energy and passion, but because of that you can sometimes make bad decisions. Its completely natural to do stupid things in hopes of love, but you need to remember that your health and wellness come first. By no means are you a monster.', 'You can believe that if you want. But trust me, theres no way anybody who has gone through what you have isnt.', 'If it matters to you, it matters. And the way you feel matters to me as well. It might not be my place to ask but have you two considered a marriage counselor? And are you seeing a therapist? A good one can make all the difference in the world. ', 'To include your therapist. Please at least talk to him before you consider doing anything Injury of muscle.', 'Im sorry I think Im missing the point.', 'Theres no need to apologize. Your expressing the emotions of a clearly caring and intelligent mind. It would be impossible to put that into a couple short sentences. Are you currently seeing a therapist? If not please consider it, they might make all the difference in the world helping your transition. Youre right school can be tough, and people can be assholes. But you know what fuck them. It might seem like a long time now but in a couple of years youll never have to see any of them again. It sounds like you get a lot of Stress about your weight, if you are interested in getting in shape might I recommend /r/fitness? But dont worry what other people think of it, if they dont like it, again fuck them. Stay strong man.', 'I would really recommend making it clear to someone close, what you are going through. This doesnt have to be something you do alone. And you say that youre tired, that youve been trying for a long time. That means youve come a long way, and that means you are strong.', 'What makes you say you have an evil soul?', 'That sucks, do you have a court date set up? Do you have anything in mind that you would like to try for? It doesnt sound like youve had Tired good counselors, thats a terrible argument and how is it supposed to make you feel better? Just because a sprained ankle isnt broken, doesnt mean it doesnt Pain. At best that would only make you feel guilty. I would urge you to keep looking for a counselor that works well with you.I know its hard not to compare yourself to others but, it really wont help. No matter how well anyone does in life, there will always be someone doing better at certain aspects. Try to focus on what you need, and where you want to be. ', 'They stand by you because they care about you. And so do I. Stay tough, I know you can do it.', 'You just need to keep looking. There are groups everywhere trying to help people. You clearly want to help people and thats a good thing.', 'Thats tough. Im sorry that youre going through all of this. Thats terrible that your family treated you like that, but please dont let that stop you from accepting compliments and knowing youre a great person. Are you currently seeing a therapist? Hang in there, there are people who care. If you need to vent some more, Ill be here.', 'Please dont be so hard on yourself, holding grudges is something we all do. Some people just hide it better than others. Are there other options? You might not be quite where you want academically, but it seems to me like youve come a lot farther than many, many other people. And you should be proud of that.Dont count your break ups before they hatch. There might still be time to patch things up with this girl, dont make decisions you cant take back over something that hasnt happened yet. Youre a bright talented individual, dont let anyone tell you different. ', 'Im sorry youre going through all of that. But you have nothing to be embarrassed about. Are you currently seeing a therapist? Stay strong, I believe in you. There are people who care.', 'Im sorry Im confused. Whats all ending?', 'Being out of our comfort zone is well uncomfortable, you shouldnt have to do anything that makes you uncomfortable. Why are things going badly at home?', 'It might seem like a really long time, but compare that to the permanence of death. Even if it takes a long time to get to the light at the end of the tunnel, isnt that better than nothing? I seriously urge you to have an honest discussion with your parents, make it clear that you need help. Theres a whole world out there waiting for you, and its full of people who care.', 'Im sorry you have to worry about your mother as well as yourself. But do you think its better to withdraw, or to try and work on your relationships? Good luck, stay strong I know you can.', 'You cant blame yourself for panic attacks. Its not like you decided you wanted to have them. Thats good that youre willing to give it a try. Let me know how it goes! Hang in there, I know you can do it.', 'Please? I know you can do it. For your kids. I know its not much, but Im here and I care.', 'Im sorry you are going through such a rough patch right now. Are you seeing a therapist to help you with this? Hang in there, I know you can do it. There are people who care.', 'Please, please reconsider this. Im sorry that things are hard right now, but youve seen that it can get better. There are going to be ups and downs in life. But without the downs how could we appreciate the ups? You were strong enough to come back from the edge before. I believe in you, and know you can do it again. Ill be here if you need to talk.', 'Be physically close to her. If you really are worried, dont leave her on her own. But more importantly talk to her about it. Good luck, I hope your sister is ok.', 'That is a tricky one. You can do something about it, it just takes energy and drive. I believe you can do it. ', 'That must suck, Im sorry to hear that youre going through that. Its good that you recognize cutting for what it is and are fighting the urges. Is there anything specific that brings on these feelings? Stay strong, I know you can get through this.', 'Jesus man youve clearly had a hell of a time. Im sorry to hear about everything youve gone through. However you shouldnt feel like the guy you were describing is better than you in any way. Youre staying true to yourself in the face of adversity and that takes guts. I guess the only advice I have is to keep seeking out people who will be supportive of you. There are people who arent going to judge you and like you just the way you are. Also maybe try running, the sense of accomplishment and endorphins always make me feel good, plus it might help you get to a weight you want to be at. Good luck, and hang in there.', 'Im sorry things are so hard right now. But believe me, there is no way to quietly disappear from peoples lives, the only way to ensure theyre not traumatized is to stay with them. Dont Stress about being "normal" we cant control the thoughts we have, only how we react to them. Youre clearly a good, caring person, youre loved ones are lucky to have you. Ill be here if you want to talk. ', 'Hey, that sounds hard. But there is always hope. Have you sat down with your mom and gone over how you feel, and what you are upset about in a clear, organized manner? Stay strong, I know you can do it, there are people who care.', 'Dont worry about the downvotes, messed up people like to troll here. By no means is your situation hopeless, and no one wants you to kill yourself. Its good that you are so actively seeking treatment. Im sorry you havent found one that works yet, but the only way to find one is to keep trying. Youre obviously an intelligent, driven individual. Im sure you can do it.', 'Thats tough. But you need to learn from your grandpa and not make the same mistakes. I believe you can get better. Glad your side is ok.', 'Thats hard man. Its always difficult to be the one people depend on. But you have no reason to be disappointed in yourself. Your clearly a good person who is willing to put the needs of his family over your own Pain. Have you talked to a therapist? Take care of yourself, Ill be here if you need to talk.', 'You are not useless. No matter what anyone one says, you are a good, strong, caring person. Even if you dont believe it.', 'Thats good to hear! Are you feeling any better about it?', 'Im sorry, that sounds hard. No one is worthless, you are not taking up space that someone else can use. You are unique. Are you seeing a therapist? Stay strong, there are people who care.', 'Man thats shitty, but hopefully youll be able to get it expunged.Its hard to find a good counselor, but it can really pay off. In the meantime Im no therapist, but if you just want to vent Ill be here.Mechanics is a useful skill. Thats rough about the call backs, but Im sure youll do well.', 'Anytime, happy to do it. Youre right, it is hard not to think about all the bad things that happen in the world. But just because there are people who have it worse doesnt mean you cant feel bad about your own problems. It must have taken a lot of strength to get off drugs. Hang in there man, were all pulling for you. ', 'Thats good that you have that loyalty. Its understandable that its difficult to return to normal after an incident like that, but you have to work at it. I know you can do it. Are you taking any bipolar medication? You seem like a good person, going through a rough time. Hang in there, I believe in you.', 'No one can understand exactly what youre feeling, but a twin is the closest possible thing. Please listen to your brother so you can stay in his life. Youre right things dont magically just change, but they can get better over time. ', 'Youre clearly Tired strong. Youve come this far, I believe you can keep going. Thats good that youve got a therapist. Especially one that you like. What does your husband say when you tell him how you feel?', 'Hey there, sorry to hear about what youve had to go through. First of all, please consider seeing a doctor. If youve been Illness for a Asthenia you should strongly consider getting medical attention. Also have you considered talking to these people that you feel you have let down? This negative perception could all be in your head. Also sometimes it just feels better to get everything out in the open. Stay strong, I know you can do it. ', 'Hi! Sorry that youre going through all this. Are you currently seeing a therapist? Hang in there, Ill be here if you need to talk.', 'Look at what you just said. Youre able to work, take care of your kids, and work on your marriage, all while you are struggling with this. If you dont call that strong, Id hate to see what you called me. The Exhaustion can be bad, but think of your kids. I know you can pull through.', 'No problem, anytime.', 'Wouldnt you rather have help for your Pain, and risk losing your gun?', 'Youve probably heard this first part before, so sorry about that but here it goes. Are you seeing a therapist? If you arent you really should consider it. Youve clearly got a Tired good mind, even if youre being a little hard on yourself. It sounds like most of the advice people have been giving you is all some form of self change. I disagree with that. I would suggest that you work on being comfortable with yourself. Youre clearly well spoken and Sharp Pain minded. I think you hit the nail on the head when you mentioned your ability to make humorous sarcastic statements. Why dont you concentrate on doing that around others if youre uncomfortable? People love a good dry sense of humor. It also sounds like you feel listless and need something to keep you grounded. Your clearly well read and eloquent. Have you tried writing? ', 'That has to be hard. I know people who struggle with Anxiety as well as Depression. Is your side ok?', 'How do you know theyll take your gun away?', 'Im sorry to hear about that. Please dont let how bad things are right now cause you to make a decision you cant take back. Eventually things will get better. Are you seeing a therapist? Hang in there, there are people who care.', 'Im sorry that youre going through this. Are you currently seeing a therapist? Stay strong there are people that care about you. ', 'First of all, there is nothing wrong with you. Its perfectly natural to feel upset and betrayed when your friend starts ignoring you. But your right man girls can be tricky, everyone gets a little awkward around them now and again. Dont hate yourself at all, but especially not because of how you feel, or how youve tried to express it. You cant keep feeling guilty about what you did in the past. Eventually we move on and meet new people. We keep up with the ones we care about, and the ones who dont keep up with us arent worth caring about.', 'No one lives up to their full potential, its just something that happens in an imperfect world. But that doesnt mean we shouldnt keep trying. Its good that you have plans and dreams. Youre clearly Tired intelligent and talented, Im sure you can achieve them.', 'I am by no means a financial expert but Im sure you can get some advice over at r/personalfinance. Its always worth it to continue struggling. It sounds kind of goofy but theres nothing like the pride that comes from knowing that you gave it your fucking best, left it all on the field and earned what you have. Its easy to feel like youre all alone in the world but just remember there are people out there who care about you.', 'If its not too much to ask, do you mind explaining what happened with him? And although it might not seem like much there are people here who are neither uncaring or cold, who care about what happens to you. ', 'What do you mean trouble?', 'I believe in you, I think you can.', 'Feeling directionless is never fun. Sometimes its hard to find something inspiring, or something to be passionate about. Do you mind if I ask how old you are? Also I dont buy the whole "right to feel bad" argument which you referenced. We all have our own capacity for Feeling unhappy, which will effect us in a completely unique way. Regardless of whether or not weve "earned it" in the eyes of others. You have no reason to feel bad about feeling bad. ', 'Im sure youve heard it a million times, but let me say it too. Im so sorry for what happened to you and your family. It sounds like you get a lot of Stress from worrying that you wont be able to live a "normal" life. But you also mention that there are distractions, even if they are only temporary. What if you focused more on those types of activities? Maybe then if you are involved in something you enjoy, you will meet people who share common interests and make social interaction easier. RyanBDawg is right, support groups could be Tired useful to you. And if that is too difficult there will always be people here who care. ', 'Please stop and reconsider. You sound like a Tired smart person with a lot of potential. You mentioned that there were several points in your life when you picked up the pieces and started doing well for yourself. I know its hard but you can do it again. Fuck your friends, dont let the actions of shitty people convince you to take your life. Your better than them, and the best revenge is to live well. In the meantime please consider talking to a professional about this.', 'She sounds like a good woman. What wouldnt be fair would be to make a decision you cant take back, without her ever knowing about how you feel. Hang in there, I know you can do it.', 'Hey, Im sorry that youre going through all of this. Why would you say you dont deserve anything? Your worry about the people who care about you shows that you are a good caring person. Stay strong, I believe in you. Ill be here if you need to talk.', 'Yeah that can be hard. But 4 days is a lot of time, Im sure you can do it. Just remember to take breaks and not let it overwhelm you.', 'Please reconsider talking to them. What if they can help you? This isnt something you should have to go through alone.', 'It sounds like youve had a hard time. I hope things pick up for you soon. Are you currently talking to a counselor about these feelings? Stay strong, I believe you can pull yourself through this.', 'No mind is beyond repair. Im sure you can get through this.', 'Youre clearly a good, caring person. But please dont let your feelings for your girlfriend cause you to do something drastic. There are always temptations in life, we just need to be strong. I believe in you, I know you can do it.', 'Seriously wifi in a graveyard? How many bars? Honestly though its good that you acknowledge doubt. If for no other reason just keep going because why not? I believe that its still Tired possible for you to have that kind of life. Dont ever feel bad for the way that you feel. You cant change your emotions, only how you respond to them. But were here to help. ', 'Why would it be naive to think life can get better? I believe you can get through this. Are you seeing a therapist? Things may look dark and be hard right now, but no one is destined to be unhappy forever. Hang in there, were all pulling for you.', 'The important thing is that youre still hanging on. I know it seems like a long time now but soon youll be an adult and can make your own decisions. In the mean time keep reaching out to get the help you need in whatever way you can. There are people out there who care. ', 'Please at least wait until you can talk to him first. Do you have the number to his office? ', 'Im sorry to hear how hard things have been for you. Life can get pretty overwhelming sometimes, but I believe you can handle it. Why dont you try making a list of what you have to do, and just work your way through that? Maybe that will help you to feel less overwhelmed. As to how to tell an interviewer youre on probation I would recommend starting with that information. If you have to tell them anyway, you might as well be upfront about it, so you can explain yourself. Hang in there, you sound like a Tired strong person. I believe you can get through this.', 'Even if it just helped you organize your thoughts, you wouldnt have written this for nothing. The inevitability of death can frighten us all. But that doesnt mean we shouldnt do what we can, with the time we have.YOU are awesome. Stay strong, Im pulling for you.', 'That must be hard. But why do you think youre a failure? No one can succeed at everything all of the time. Depressions tough, but I hang in there I know you can.', 'It might sound stupid, but why do you keep watching the movie?', 'Im sorry to hear how hard things have been for you. Its perfectly natural to feel trapped when so many things have gone wrong, but does not mean that life can not get better. Are you sure youve been charged with anything? Thats usually something they make sure isnt ambiguous. Can you transfer any credits from your previous school experiences to a new one? Also are you currently seeing a counselor? Your 20s are not over, they have only just begun. Dont judge yourself by what your friends are doing, you need to focus on whats best for you. You seem like a tough, strong, driven individual. Hang in there, I know you can do it.', 'Im sorry that youre family is being hard on you. But you need to make your feelings clear to them, so they can help you.You dont have to do anything you dont want to, but I would recommend talking to a school psychologist. They want to help you, thats what theyre there for.You dont need a person to tell you whats wrong and whats right. Youre clearly a good, giving person. Lean on your friends a little, friendship is a two way street. But either way if youre doing things that make you uncomfortable, simply stop doing them. Stay strong, there are people out there who care.', 'Im so sorry that you have to go through this. But take the Pain you feel right now, and imagine if your family had to feel it again for you. Except worse because you were cut down in your prime. If for no other reason stay for them. I believe you can do it.', 'You can do it. I believe in you. There are people here who care.', 'Anytime', 'First of all the amount you clearly care about your loved ones is amazing. I would urge you to talk with them about how you feel. Im sure they want to help you. Suicidal urges are hard to fight especially on your own. Please reconsider and get the help you need, this isnt a burden you have to carry alone. ', 'Hey there. Im sorry to hear about whats been happening to you. Youre clearly a caring individual with love for your daughter. If you dont have anything else to keep fighting for, fight for her. She needs a parent, and it sounds like your fiancee is in no condition to be there for her. Breaking bad is a good show, Im sorry it invokes Pain memories though. Do you just watch that, or do you enjoy dramas in general? Stay strong, there are people who care. Ill be here if you want to talk. ', 'Ok, sleep well. Please take care of yourself.', 'Yeah Im really bad about studying as well. Youre right it definitely helps when theres someone to keep you on task.', 'I think it has to do with only thinking from their perspective. From their point of view it would be selfish of you to take yourself away from them forever. They dont understand how you feel, and thats why they think that its you who is being selfish. However they are right, it is a Injury of muscle action. As you can attest things can get better, and you can come back from the brink, but not if you go through with suicide.', 'Its completely understandable to have difficulty talking about your emotions, especially with your family. That being said please, please be honest with them. The support of a family is invaluable. And trust me, little hints are not going to do the trick, even if they are picking up on them its quite possible they are unsure and dont want to make you feel uncomfortable. Talk with them, be straightforward, and most importantly find a good therapist.', 'I think its better to keep fighting, and I believe you can do it. Are you seeing a doctor about your Pain?', 'Thats shitty. You shouldnt be judged by the actions of others. Keep your chin up, there are people who care. In the mean time you can vent to me.', 'Have you looked into some sort of government assistance? Depending on where you live, that could be an option.', 'You cant let fears of a hypothetical future affect your decisions in the present. It sounds like your Tired aware of possible problems with alcohol. Please dont start drinking to deal with bad thoughts if you know that it will end badly. May I ask why youre unwilling to seek help? If youre uncomfortable with a 1 on 1 therapy session there are many support groups out there.', 'Bro hug for being a fellow, shy accident child, interested in science, but still not great at math. Cant say that I have your talent in music though. Im sorry that your dad treated you so shitty. But please dont let that color your view of your friends. Dont worry about what you "deserve" to feel. Your emotions are your own. Hang in there man, youre clearly a smart, intelligent man. I believe you can pull through this. There are people out there who care. ', 'Haha I like you too. How are things going now?', 'You absolutely do not sound like a weirdo. How could the desire to be understood sound ridiculous? It sounds like you have a perfectly normal desire, but its hard to express it in a standard way.', 'Its tempting to view suicide as a release. But we have no way of knowing what happens after death. Most likely we just stop and theirs nothing. I dont know what you believe, but isnt the potential for good in your life better than just nothing?', 'Please dont do it. There are an infinite number of other options left for you. Does your dad know you feel this way? Maybe hed lay off if you told him. Either way dont let him get you down too much. Youre not a disappointment, and youre not a waste of anything. Youre clearly an intelligent, talented individual. I believe you can get through this, Ill be here if you need to talk.', 'That must feel awful to have your best friend turn on you, Im sorry you had to go through that. But please dont let that Pain make you take your own life. Im sorry to have to disagree with you but there is always hope, and there are people who care about you. Im sure you know many but at the Tired least, I care about you and so does everyone here. Feel free to PM if you want to talk about your friend or anything else.', 'Cant or dont?', 'A noble thought. Have you considered finding a way to channel it into helping your community? ', 'Good luck! Let us know how it goes. Ill be here if you need to talk.', 'You dont have to give up. You can do it, I know you can. Please stay with us, well help you through this.', 'Do you mind if I ask why youve purposefully estranged yourself? Good luck with surgery. Dont give up on humanity just yet, people might be have some bad qualities, but that doesnt make them evil. Hang in there I know you can.', 'Be careful, dont do anything rash. Im sorry I have to go now. Can I talk to you tomorrow?', 'Please consider trying again, its hard to find a therapist that you like. But the difference between one you like and one whos just ok can make all the difference in the world. Stay strong, were all pulling for you.', 'Please dont do it. Youre family would not be better off in the long run, or the short run. Stay for your kids, they need their mom. Stay strong, youve come this far, I believe you can do it.', 'Thats a shame. The fading in and out can be tough. But at least there are ups to go along with the downs. Anything in particular thats making it worse?', 'You dont have to fight alone. There are people who care. It might not seem like much, but the people on here want to help you. Stick with it, Ill be here if you want to talk.', 'In my experience people who are overly self-critical are usually much better people then they are willing to give themselves credit for. The flip side of this is that they can be unnecessarily hard on themselves. Theres a difference between being realistic about your life and goals, and being overly self-critical. I believe youve got the drive and talent to be the person you want to be, without being so hard on yourself.', 'Its entirely possible for you to get all the friends and girls you want. It just takes some time. I know its hard but you just need to keep picking yourself up. You can do it, I believe in you.', 'Short answer, no. The only way to keep your family from having to go through that is to keep on living. Why would you think youll be alone forever? You seem like a genuine, caring, intelligent person. Youre clearly in a lot of Pain, but please dont let the actions of this other person make you take your own life. Do you mind me asking what happened there? Also it might not seem like a lot, but youre not alone now. I care about you and so does everyone here.', 'If she says she forgives you, then trust her in that. Dont look for a problem that might not be there. Dont be ashamed, this is clearly a complicated and confusing time for you. You just need to find out for yourself what the answer is. You can do it, I believe in you.', 'Congratulations for getting off drugs. Im not going to argue that many people try to avoid thinking, and there are problems in the world. But there is good as well, and there are people who think and want to help. If were all just waiting to die, whats the rush? Enjoy your distractions, while you can. Enjoy your girlfriend, and enjoy your music. Even if thats all we have, I still think its quite a lot. Stay strong.', 'Anytime. Seriously, anytime you need someone to listen feel free to message me.', 'Hey man, Im sorry you had to go through all of that. It cant be easy having to deal with all of that. But youre clearly strong, you can pull through this. I know you can. In the mean time Ill be here if you need to talk.', 'Youre clearly an intelligent person with a way with words. You admit that you know it must get better, why not work towards that? If youre having trouble finding something to do, to keep life interesting might I suggest writing or poetry? You honestly do have a way with words. Dont give up, Im pulling for you. ', 'Thats great! Im happy to hear that youre doing better. And Im happy to keep talking to you. Have your finals started yet? ', 'Yeah math is tough, good luck with that.', 'Languages were always one of my hardest classes as well. Props to you for choosing math, I just never had a good grasp on it. Im happy to keep replying, of course Im not annoyed. Good luck with your Dutch exam.', 'Let us get to know the real you. Im sure youre a great person. Its hard to tell over the internet, but we wont have that problem if you stay with us.', 'Im sorry to hear about all that. But Im curious as to why you think you are a failure. I wish I was smart enough to stumble into Princeton. You are clearly an intelligent person with many interests. I truly believe that you have a lot of potential and can do great things. Its perfectly natural to feel Stress about the possibility of employment, especially in the current job market. But please dont let that cause you to do something you cant take back. Stay strong, Im here if you want to talk.', 'Why would you think you dont deserve to live? It looks to me like youre a talented person who just made some mistakes. It sounds like you just need support to stop smoking, try being honest with your family, Im sure theyll want to help you. Have you tried any support groups, or drug programs? You mention there are things you still want to do, there is plenty of time for you to do them. I believe this is a problem you can solve, and certainly not worth killing yourself over. Stay strong, there are people who care.', 'But youve clearly got drive and ambition. If you can quit hard drugs you can do anything. And it might not seem like much but you still have people who support and care about you here.', 'Wouldnt it be better to alter your plan just a little? ', 'First off, in no way shape or form do you sound stupid and whiny, so you can cut that shit out right now. Anything that is important to you is important. Not to mention Suicidal thoughts and abusive relatives are anything but trivial. Are you currently seeing a therapist? Also do you mind me asking how old you are? You might have other options besides living with your grandmother.Hang in there I know you can do it. Youre obviously a strong, caring person. Pet your dog for me, Ill be here if you need to talk. ', 'Your family is probably trying to avoid an uncomfortable situation, that doesnt mean they dont care about you. They care about you so much they will completely forget about you yelling at them. Stay strong, I know you can do it.', 'Dont hate yourself. You are not hopeless. Youre going

Indicator

Thanks for the effort, but you missed the point. I just wanted advice on how to push away any thought of offing myself that might be comforting. I dont need reassurance that I can make more friends when I move, thats not a problem. Its not that I feel isolated either. I enjoy the quality time I spend with myself, and I have plenty of great friends. "We are all alone at times ... get over it" isnt much help, its not even close to the problem.If you have >advice on how to dismiss these sort of thoughts I would greatly appreciate it.

Ideation

Pretty sure weve dated in the past. When I read your screed what I see most of all is the word "I." It is abundantly clear to me that the only thing you have to focus on is yourself and you hate this with an unbridled passion. Yet you turn deeper inward which makes you hate *more.*What have you done to make the world a better place lately?Whom have you helped?How have you changed your environment for the betterment of those who come after you?You speak of patients. Im guessing your ability to improve the livelihood of those you work with professionally is being hampered by your inner experience and this isnt helping your well-being either. Its time to reset the clock.Take a working vacation. Plant trees for a Asthenia. Join the Peace Corps. Do *something* wherein you are out of your comfort zone, doing things you dont know how to do, for people you do not know. Ctrl-Alt-Delete your day-to-day and see what changes. It seems like you have nothing to lose.', '>But that advice you gave wasnt always valid. Nowhere did I say it was. It was advice for exactly one person. One person who clearly was not considering his situation rationally, yet was considering his behavior rational. The key to such situations is to illuminate the irrationality of that behavior - I even gave examples of when it might be rational. Yet you steadfastly refuse to see this.>I feel like itd be pretty rational. Ill consider doing an X-post shortly.Ive already seen some of your situation. You have professional training, you have a daughter, you have a whole lot to live for. It is *not* rational to conflate "Im in a shitty job market" with "I should just kill myself.">What you said was untrue, no matter who you said it to.What I said was "youre not thinking rationally." Thats as true as true can be. When a 21-year-old with a viable social network says "I have no future" it is not a rational statement. Ill say for the umpteenth time - there are rational times to contemplate suicide. I delineated a few in my response. My advice to the OP was that **HIS** situation was not rational. Yet you keep saying "thats not true for me, and its not true always."###NO SHIT.So let me reiterate - this entire thread is a full-stop, all-hands-on-deck attempt by every interested and disinterested party to influence the behavior of the **SUBMITTER.** Thats not you, thats not anyone else, and its anything but universal. I stand 100% behind everything I said, and I stand 100% behind the notion that were you to commit suicide, it would not be a rational act, either.But Im not going to continue to debate here, in this thread, whether or not what I wrote for *him* makes sense for *you* because right here? Right now? This isnt about you.You wanna make it about you, submit something. Until then, go pester someone else.', 'Totally, d00d. Break some shit. When I was good and Depression, and good and *angry,* I used to take glass jars into the canyon and destroy them with nunchucks. Good times.', 'Been there, done that, man. Im going to tell *you* what nobody told *me*:Teenagers arent in their right mind.Serious. It isnt a psychological thing or anything - its pure anatomy. Your brain is rewiring a crapload of neurons in your teens and that process makes you think truly stupid things are good ideas. Youre drowning in an overdose of hormones that your body needs but your mind really doesnt. Youre being overwhelmed from a biochemical standpoint AND a neurological standpoint *as well as* having to spend multiple hours a day with beknighted idiots suffering through the exact same bullshit as yourself.I wont even get into whatevers going on in your life because its inconsequential to the problem: *youre in a short-term medical crisis that is entirely chemical.* Itll get better, just like zits, just like excessive sweating, just like errant boners in math class.Trust me. Youll have a much better handle on this stuff when you can think straight. Bookmark this link. Set a date on your calendar. Come back in a year and tell me whats changed and whats stayed the same. Suicide is forever. 17 is just a year. You might not be un-fucked in the head by 18, but Ill wager youll be on your way.', 'So what do you do if suicide is the rational, logical choice?*You recognize that your perspective on "rational" and "logical" is completely and utterly blown.*Ill get back to being nice in just a minute, but for this brief sentence **SNAP THE FUCK OUT OF IT!**Know who else was a college dropout from a small village in Eastern Europe? [Nikola Tesla.](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Nikola_tesla)Know who pumped Excessive upper gastrointestinal gas and parked cars before getting rich enough to not really care when Eddie Griffin crashed his Ferrari Enzo? [Daniel Sadek.](http://www.bloomberg.com/apps/news?pid=newsarchive&sid=aTqNSIm9G.To)Know who dropped out of High School and lived with her mom in a car? [Hilary Swank.](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hilary_Swank)You know the difference between a college grad and a college dropout? The former thinks his $100,000 slip of paper will help him get a $30k a year job. The latter is just as hopeless, but better off financially.* * * Look. You cant "logic" your way out of Depression. You cant "argue" your way out of Emotional upset situations. You also cant "logic" your way into them. I read your headline and was expecting "I have terminal cancer" or "I just committed capital murder and theyre going to catch me" or "[My arm has been crushed by this boulder for five days and Im starting to drink my own urine."](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Aron_Ralston) But no, your "rational, logical" choice is "I have a loving family, a spectacular command of the English language, a roof over my head and Ive managed to turn a temporary setback into a life-ender."Know what drives friends away? Depression. Know what makes things appear hopeless? Depression. Know what keeps us from thinking straight? Depression. Know what blows our perspective all to fuck? Depression.Know whats an organic, biological disorder? Depression.Your parents "barely cope" with you being gay. That means they havent thrown you out of the house, even though youre a friendless, disappointing college dropout who likes teh cock. You have absolutely *nothing* to lose by saying "Mom, dad? Im really Depression. I thought about killing myself. But Im starting to realize that really Im just feeling trapped and as if my life is at a dead end. Can you help me? Can you give me ideas as to what to do? Because the long life I have ahead of me does not seem like its worth living right now and Ill do anything to change that."You also said "almost" no friends. That means you have at least a couple. Nows the time to test those friendships. Know what a friend is? Someone you can obligate with your troubles because you know theyd do the same for you. Go to your closest friend and say "Im sorry Ive been such a drag to be around lately, man, but Im really Depression. Id love your help to bring me out of it" and see what happens.It seems to me that you have more of a social network than a lot of people contemplating suicide. It also seems to me that if you really *could* think clearly about this, you wouldnt be contemplating suicide. *And if I can get you to recognize that youre* **NOT** *thinking clearly, your healing can start.*Know who else wasnt likely to "have offspring?"[Oscar Wilde.](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Oscar_wilde)[Alan Turing.](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Alan_Turing)[James Randi.](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/James_Randi)Theres a world of difference between "offspring" and "legacy." Dont let yours be "the kid who thought the world ended after he couldnt cut college."', 'Depressions a bitch, man. The worst part is what youre experiencing isnt entirely related to whats going on around you - a whole bunch of it is a biochemical imbalance.This might get better on its own - mine did. Well, after I moved and completely changed my life. But itll get better faster if you enlist outside help.Youre sick. You can either tough it out like an idiot or you can enlist whatever health is around you. I dont know if you have benefits through work but if you do, consult a psychiatrist or counselor.Good luck, and stick around. Were here for you.', 'What would your friends say if you told them about the 9mm?Try it. See what happens. ', 'All right then.What, exactly, would make you happy? Dying is not an option. Presume youre annoyingly immortal. What do you satisfy yourself with?Douglas Adams wrote about an immortal man in one of the Hitchhikers books. This man, so annoyed with immortality, tooled all around the universe insulting people in alphabetical order. Would that give you purpose?You are filled with self-hatred, yet you are also filled with hatred for the rest of the world. Have you considered becoming a super-villain?Because in all honesty, what I see is a lot of excuses as to why *you* cant change, and why *the rest of the world* isnt worth your effort. Youre stuck in a rut and quite comfortable to sit there bitching about things.', 'There will be other girls. They will all be better than this one.You are not alone. We are listening.You arent going to be this sad again. Youre young. That sounds flippant, and Im sorry. The fact of the matter is that biologically speaking, your bloodstream is being hammered by so many different hormones that half of the moods you feel dont have anything to do with you at all.It will get much better, trust me. And someday soon, you will be able to use this Pain you feel right now to reach out to someone else... someone who is feeling what you can only remember.Hang in there, bud. Take it from me - the Pain youre in is giving you a far greater ability to appreciate joy than those whose lives have been easy.', '>Im self taught, though with a fair bit of experience and skills.Even better. All hail the auto-didact for he is best at bootstrapping.>I dont have a daughter in anything but a financial sense, I have no involvement in her life, nor do I expect to ever have a good relationship with her, what with the whole her-mother-being-the-symbol-of-all-that-is-evil bit.Sounds like youre letting the bitch win. Why would you want to do that? Did you ever think that maybe your daughter *wants* to know her father and that by taking your standpoint youre actively abetting her mothers schemes?>However for me, even in a good job market I have no real financial independence and cant even afford a small apartment. Thats still a long goddamn way from "I should off myself." Hell, dude, buy a surplus school bus, put a franklin stove in it and live in it. Plenty of my friends set up 1500sqft domiciles for less than $1000.>Every time I get a raise or a better paying job, she somehow learns of it immediately and my support payments go up a couple of weeks later.Itty boo. Start doing handicrafts on the side. Wash dishes under the table. Not all income is *declared* income and when youre talking about "killing yourself" or "bouncing a few nights a Asthenia under the table" there really isnt any parity of thought.>I dont actually have much of anything to live for, my life for over six years now has been one endless day of hell. Ive had it up to here with hearing about my obligations to other people who all so casually dismiss any towards me. Slaves have a duty to escape.run to fuckin mexico, then. >No trust me, go back and read it, thats not what you said.I know what I wrote, and I know who I wrote it to. It wasnt to you.>Heres a suggestion: relating to people as fellow human beings rather than objects to be manipulated might be a better approach.Self-involved much? Ive spent the afternoon swapping tales with YOU, SPECIFICALLY, despite the fact that you were completely unknown to me before getting insulting and condescending to a total stranger. "objects to be manipulated?" Youre the one who keeps asking for peoples help just so he can shut down any idea they come up with to continue to stew in your own juices. Heres MY suggestion: If you want help, ask for it and listen to peoples responses. Imagine what sort of life youd have if you followed through with all of them to their completion, rather than just shutting things down so you dont have to venture out of your comfortable cage. "slaves have a duty to escape." Youre so adamantly opposed to change it astounds me. Yet when you crank about people who "casually dismiss obligations towards me" you ignore the fact that youve got a living, breathing daughter - THAT YOURE PAYING FOR - that you arent even bothering to consider.', 'Go for the divorce. Its reversible.', 'Nowhere did I say "man up." What I said was "So what do you do if suicide is the rational, logical choice?You recognize that your perspective on "rational" and "logical" is completely and utterly blown."I further advised the kid >You have absolutely nothing to lose by saying>"Mom, dad? Im really Depression. I thought about killing myself. But Im starting to realize that really Im just feeling trapped and as if my life is at a dead end. Can you help me? Can you give me ideas as to what to do? Because the long life I have ahead of me does not seem like its worth living right now and Ill do anything to change that.">You also said "almost" no friends. That means you have at least a couple. Nows the time to test those friendships. Know what a friend is? Someone you can obligate with your troubles because you know theyd do the same for you. Go to your closest friend and say "Im sorry Ive been such a drag to be around lately, man, but Im really Depression. Id love your help to bring me out of it" and see what happens.>It seems to me that you have more of a social network than a lot of people contemplating suicide. It also seems to me that if you really could think clearly about this, you wouldnt be contemplating suicide.>And if I can get you to recognize that youre NOT thinking clearly, your healing can start.Now Ill ask again - you feeling like killing yourself? Then make a post explaining why. Quit second-guessing what I say to someone *other* than you and then saying "your advice doesnt work for me." cuz you know what? no shit. *thats why I didnt write it to you.*', '...yeah, thats cuz youre Depression. Look - whos the professional here? Whos had eight years or more of school to learn how to deal with people with mental illness? Whos the one making over a c-note an hour to try and help people who cant help themselves? How could your therapists inability to help you come back on *you?* Thats like blaming the car when its water pump keeps leaking rather than blaming the mechanic.You hired a professional. That professional isnt up to snuff. If this were your car we were talking about, you wouldnt say "Bad car! That mechanic worked *so hard* to make you run better and what thanks does he get?"Youd hire another mechanic.Which do you think is more complicated - a car engine or your psyche? Thats why they get the big bucks. it also means that just because one person cant help you doesnt mean *no person* can help you. Give it another go with someone else. Its not like you have anything to lose.', 'Yours is a problem of chronic overwork and chronic underappreciation. These are short term problems. Yours is a Injury of muscle solution.You say you hate your family and have no problem leaving them to rot. Have you thought of doing that? Just drive away? Drop the car off at the nearest lot, take your $300 for it and hop on a Greyhound to anywhere else?Try that first. If it makes you feel better, keep trying. Take care of *you* for a change - maybe that means panhandling, maybe that means day labor, who knows. If it makes you feel worse, then you *do* care about your family and you care about leaving them in the lurch. And they need to know that theyre killing you. And that you cant carry them any more.You need change. That much is clear. But "change" does not mean "death."', '>My parents have already dealt with my Depression in high school. Many tears were shed and many melodramatic moments had. They would not care for it again. I wouldnt if I were them.Im sure. Riddle me this, though, Batman - you think theyd rather deal with burying you? You think theyd rather wonder for the rest of their lives if they could have said something different, done something different, their baby might still be here?>As for my gayness, they never accepted it. They do realize rationally thats its not something a person can be blamed for and that its not a choice. But theyre religious so they cant be fine with it.Again, theres a world of difference between "dont accept it" and "dont care if you live or die.">When I say I have "almost" no friends I mean that I have acquaintances. Currently only two Im sort of close with. Theyre apparently dating now, good for them. Anyway, one is a Depression loser who hasnt had a girlfriend in years, has no friends and gave up on life. The other is a bipolar punk girl who has shit of her own to deal with. They know I am Depression but they think Depression is a normal condition.Sounds like all three of you could stand to support each other a little.>I agree with the poster who attacked you below. Listing all those famous people really does nothing.Hey, man. Youre the one who said life was over. Im just pointing out that people who had it far shittier than you went on to do great things. If youre going to insist that your life is "over" Im going to insist you have no perspective on the matter. Yeah, they had lucky breaks. Yeah, they made friends in high places. Yeah, they were ready to stoop really low in order to go high. How is that any different from you? Youre what? 21? Do you *really* think that there are no more opportunities waiting for you? How can you even begin to defend that?>I think what you fail to see is that this is a life ender.Damn right. Ive been on this world roughly double the amount of time you have and you know what? You arent thinking straight. You have no fucking clue what lies ahead for you, so quit pretending that its all bullshit from here. http://www.youtube.com/verify_age?next_url=http%3A//www.youtube.com/watch%3Fv%3DwjmkCbDwsNA', 'Youre not an outsider. Youre just deeper in the valley than the rest of us.Hell matter to you until the end of your days. If you give it a shot, though, youll discover that the world is *full* of people who will matter to you. If you hate the stares you get, why dont you take out the piercings? Wear a hat? You never know - change can be good.Do something for me tomorrow. Go out, completely unchanged. Take a walk in the park or something. For every weird look you get, smile. Smile as big as you know how. I guarantee you most people will smile back.We all feel like complete outsiders. Yet none of us are. I feel you from all the way over here, and I really wish you didnt Pain so much. If I could hug you, I would.', 'There are people who firmly believe that high school is the best time of their life. Theyre generally correct: they will spend the rest of their days remembering the glory of Homecoming, thinking about the adulation basked upon them by nerds and geeks (not) as they made their tyrannical rounds about the small pond that shall forever define their lives.There are people who firmly believe that High School is the worst time of their life, and they too are generally correct. For unlike the jocks and popular kids and well-adapted drones that make up the Alpha class of any creche, their potential is unlimited and their boundaries are undefined. It is only through reaching for that which is beyond that greatness can be achieved.Everyone has a nightmare relationship somewhere in their past. Know and understand that in order to appreciate the full spectrum of life, one must know black as well as white. Those who have not seen things as dark as you have cannot truly appreciate the brights - yours is a costly and consuming gift that you had no choice but to accept, but now that it is yours, make the most of it.Good luck. And please dont bring up Twilight again.', 'Lets just go ahead and read the [whole exchange](http://i.imgur.com/UDOxL.png), shall we?Now - I sent you here. I dont wanna see anybody shoot themselves. My family has dealt with suicide plenty.I also dont want to pick a fight in /r/suicidewatch. This is hallowed ground as far as Im concerned. These are good people, and they dont need our petty bickering getting in the way of healing and help.I will say this:*A casual snide comment from a stranger youve never met is about the stupidest reason to off yourself Ive ever heard.*Take a deep breath. Watch the sunset. Listen to some Beach Boys records (dont have any? Congratulations, now you have a quest!). The fact that youd consider (or pretend to consider) shuffling off this mortal coil to gain the upper hand in a petty discussion with someone youve ever met should clue you in to the fact that youre not thinking straight. If youre going to die to spite somebody, for fuck sake pick someone more important than *me.*Ill also make this point - youre still externalizing your problems, whatever they may be. Youre looking for reasons from others, youre looking for motivations from others, youre looking for excuses from others. What do *you* think about it? Just *you?* Not me, not anybody else, not whoever you feel has wronged you or righted you. Just *you.*Yeah, I get it. *You* feel like killing yourself. Well, heres this asshole who thinks youre a whiney-ass titty baby (you are) who wants to make your problems the worlds problems (you do) and I *still* think you should stick around.Everybody has off days. We dont make them better by getting other peoples permission or encouragement to kill ourselves. We make them better by coming up with a better, more sustainable revenge than eating a gun to show your resolve on the *internet.*If youre serious about this, pick up the phone and call one of the numerous suicide hotlines in the sidebar. Hell, PM me and Ill give you my phone number. You know how everybody makes fun of that kid who offed himself over [Dungeons and Dragons?](http://www.tabula-rasa.info/Roleplaying/RoleplayingMyths.html) Youre gonna make that mutherfucker look like Rambo.Dont kill yourself. But above all, dont kill yourself over a tedious exchange with a total stranger that consumed maybe ten minutes of the day. On the "stupid ways to die" scale thats somewhere between "scratched a mosquito bite until it went septic" and "blew his head off because the gym teacher gave him detention" like my buddy Tims big brother did in 8th grade.', '>Btw, listing a bunch of famous people who had it bad is pretty fucking rude.Fuck off. You see a bunch of famous people who had it bad. I see a bunch of famous people who didnt used to be famous and who had the same challenges as the OP. One of us is trying to help. The other is being a jerk.>Not having a degree is a big deal.I mix TV for a living. The supervisor on one of my shows - the guy that hires me - didnt graduate high school. Dont tell me what to do - you clearly have too narrow a worldview to evaluate anything I have to say.', 'Pay attention, though, tardling, thats not the situation were talking about here, which is what I spent a ridiculous amount of time pointing out.By the way, when did it become *de rigeur* to throw flames in /r/suicidewatch? I mean, the kids already dead. What the fuck point is there in being a rank prick with absolutely zero reading comprehension when I **wasnt even talking to you?**', 'Boxing.Brazilian Jiu Jitsu.Mui Thai.Find something physical, **full contact**, that will allow you to Pain and be Pain.The exercise will do you good, as will the violence. From there, you shall find peace.', 'Who says you have to "make it?" Know why I didnt link to the millions of people who had shitty childhoods who are now leading happy, fulfilling lives?cuz if you think you need to be Hilary Swank to be happy, youve got other problems than Depression.', 'You dont suck, you dont feel listened to. Some people *never* work through their issues with their parents - and one of them was our president for eight years.Im not going to tell you *not* to kill yourself. Actually, yeah I am - would you expect anything less? But perhaps more importantly, dont kill yourself because you have a shitty therapist.You need to find a better therapist. The person who has been working with you has clearly done all he can - maybe thats because hes not Tired good at his job, maybe its because youre a tough nut to crack. Either way, will you do me the favor of trying a different therapist for a while before you do anything Injury of muscle?', 'My uncle committed suicide in 1952.I was born in 1974.I had to deal with my mom freaking out every time I didnt call home on time because that meant Id killed myself......and the fact that she figured by the time you hit 38, youve seen twice what you need to see (since her brother died at 19)......because my fucking uncle, who died 22 years before I was even born, couldnt hack Harvard.Suicide is a dick move. Youre fucking up the lives of people who arent even living yet.', 'Then ask *me*, dont say "what youre telling that kid is wrong." By the way, you didnt say "I feel like killing myself because my parents dont fully accept the fact that Im gay and I feel trapped in Eastern Europe with no education." You said "Conniving baby mamma who I begged not to have my child and ruin my relationship with the woman I loved did it, then takes most of my income. I have no money, no realistic prospects for a family or good education, no chance of ever pursuing my dreams. Fed up with unrewarding, slave-like existence and need alternatives."Those two experiences dont meet at any single point. And, having read your link, it seems that you arent at all interested in getting advice - youre interested in shutting down a whole bunch of reasonable advice so that you can continue to feel sorry for yourself.So - are you feeling like killing yourself? Then we should talk about that. You should make a post and we can talk. This is a Tired supportive forum for stuff like that. But when Im not talking to you - Im talking to a person threatening to kill themselves - the arguments that are convincing to you two days later have little to do with whats convincing to them.And hey - I spent the weekend thinking the kid was dead. Turns out he isnt. So maybe it worked.I care a lot more about what *he* thinks than what *you* think.

Ideation

Then maybe returningt there might be the first step. You should be w/ the family of your choice, not w/ people who clearly dont want the best for you. You should take care of yourself for a while and while doing that maybe also put some distance between you and that girl - it might help you to put things into perspective. Stay strong!', 'No matter whether you believe in fate or God or anything: that misfiring gun was a SIGN and Im really thankful for it. I hope you can use this extreme experience to your advantage!', 'Scumbag brain... Sees something beautiful and uplifting: yanks the tear ducts wiiide open...', 'Please dont feel guilty. You have a disease and it is so strong that even your partners love cant seem to stop it. Its not your fault and its not an unusual thing to happen. Maybe its really for the best if you outsource the job of taking care of you. That could take the feeling of guilt off your shoulders and also relieve your partner of some of his responsibility. You have two great things working for you at the moment: the fact that amazingly human beings care for each other unconditionally and are even able to forgive the worst-seeming things. Plus, the will to live that you expressed in your last paragraph. Its there, its true. Cling to these things with all the strength you still have, thats all you have to do, the other things are out of reach at the moment, you can care about them once you feel better. Get well soon!', 'Its unfair that many people can just leave their beds w/o problems. It may seem like a miracle to you, it sure does to me sometimes. But everyones got special challenges in life and even those who jump our of bed wearing a bright smile each day might be confronted w/ difficulties once they enter a car, make a cake or whatever. Even if not, even if their life seems perfect, they are bound to encounter some rocks on the road eventually. So this is your challenge. Its one of the nastier ones, no question about that. But life functions Tired strangely and so I think you should try to hold on, try to take on day after another, try to battle against all the rocks that are in your way. I know its worth it and Im pretty confident youll find out the same if you just hang in there.

Supportive

Came back home about 2 hours ago...', 'It is true that there are people in this world who can love. It is also true that millions of people dont find any love or comfort all their lives and suffer. I cant do that, i cant live a hurtful life. I think i have given this world a fair chance. Waited 22 years, given a chance for people to be fair with me. Luckily I dont owe anything to this world or the people here, i can leave in piece. I just want to die somewere where nobody will find my body. Or be able to identify it. I dont think anyone has earned the right to mourn me. I still love that girl, and will do anything for her. But she has decided to take me off her life. More precisely, she has decided to net be there when im suffering and be there with me only when she needs me.', 'I just want some peace. I cant stop crying, i just want to die...', 'Im just an insignificant toy for people to use and throw away. Nobody gives a damn about me. I hate this pathetic life. ', 'I have spent a significant amount of time in beautiful places. Himalayas, oceans, villages, hills... It just doesnt matter or make any difference.', 'We live in the same house. Thats why i have to move far away to die. Im not emotionally capable.', 'Im really Tired of sharing my story with so many people on the internet. I hope youll be the last person and ill put myself out of this misery. Im a 22 year old male from India. When i was a kid, just like any other kid, i was immensely attached to my parents. Specially to my dad. He meant the world to me. When i was Tired Tired young, my parents started having problems in their relationship. I didnt know the reason. But a time came when my mother decided to leave and take me with her. She found a job secretly and took me away. But things went bad, she couldnt get the job she was hoping for. She was broke. She told me she is going to leave me at my dads house and find a job and come and pick me up in 2 months. I didnt understand why dad had another house. When she left me at his door and i went in, it hit me. He was already married with a daughter 4 years older than me. I stayed there for 2 and a half years. In these two and a half years i was harassed by my step sister. I was scared to even use the washroom when i needed and urinated myself. She told everyone that i was a thief. She used to talk about my mom insultingly. It was Pain, but not something i couldnt handle. What broke me was my dads response to all this. Till that day i was his darling, and then suddenly he stopped bothering about me. He believed whatever his daughter had to say. Never believed me. Being ditched by the person i loved the most was extremely Pain. I was around 10 years old when all this happened. Its Tired traumatic. I dont even remember a lot of details.After 2+ years i got out of that hell, i started living with my mom and my dad provided all the financial needs. But he never loved me. He used to show all his frustration from work and outside world with my mom. He didnt treat us like a legitimate family. He didnt give us any dignity. For the outside world he was not my father. I never had any friends at school, from 5th class to 8th class i was Tired badly bullied. After that i slowly started recovering. I became this model guy to everyone around me. Wise, intelligent, ambitious, all that shit... But i was alone, broken in the inside, just waiting to explode. And last year i met this girl. Not somebody i would consider good looking, but i fell in love with her. She held my hand and took my heart. Se was the first person i shared my story to. I thought finally my life is about to see some happiness. But it didnt last even for a couple of days. I loved her immensely, she didnt. She was bi-polar. She gets angry at me, destroys me, breaks me and once in a while, Tired rarely she gives me some love. She keeps me far away from her, im the least of her priorities, she has a boyfriend whom shes gonna leave with. Im just there on the side, when she needs me. I cant let go of her, because she has suffered a lot in life, i dont want her to suffer and be there to make sure she is happy. There were times when she kept me away for a couple of months and it was hell, i cant stay away from her. She will come to me only when she wants me. Otherwise im a disturbance to her sleep. Now probably youll just give me advice to leave her and find the love that i deserve, thats what she also tell me. To find the love I deserve. The thing is Im Tired of this world. Where people cant even love. Im done with this.', 'its ok', 'Im exactly where you are now. 22yo. Male, the person I loved doesnt even care how her words and actions Pain me. I come from a Tired disfunctional family. And I just want to opt out. Feel like a coward for only thinking about it. Going to be in a university in a few months... The worst part is I dont know how to help you, I feel pathetic. Im Illness. I can pray to the universe to take care of you. Love you from a thousand miles away, but dont know any real way to help you.', 'Im Illness of life. Yesterday i again got into what i call the "suicide preparation mode"... This generally lasts for almost a month, where i make up my mind well enough to attempt suicide, plan everything meticulously and take the plunge. This time i wont fail. Theres no way i can fail by jumping off a high rise.', 'Im so sorry this is happening to you. Everytime i hear something like this, i wish i could be of help. But im incapable. I dont want to help anyone. I just want to die peacefully... fast.', 'Thats why i have been alive this long. THere were times when i was just about to kill myself and stopped. She will respect my decision. Once its made. You know what, my mom doesnt have anyone in this world who loves her, not even me. Im incapable of showing my love to her. Im mentally that damaged. I know for a fact that she is alive just to care for me. She is suffering a Tired Pain life for me. If Im gone shell either leave all this and live life the way she initially wanted, or shell also quit. I would be happy if her beautiful soul is out of its misery.', 'I wanted to die in a way such that my death wont be much of a mess for anyone. I went to a seashore about 700 kms away from where i live. I threw away my phone, licence and any things that will identify me. I wrote a letter to my mom requesting her not to search for my body or bother to perform any last rites. I asked her to stay away from all her insensitive family members and lead a peaceful life. I asked her to not tell anyone that im dead. If she has to, just tell them that i died in an accident or something. Kept a note in my pocket saying that Im an orphan and my body organs can be used wherever they are useful. I found a secluded spot on the beach and ran in (I dont know swimming). I dont know how long i was there. I could feel myself being dragged by one current into the ocean, while a current of water passed by towards the beach from above. It wasnt painless. There was no option for me not to breathe air. My body was forcing it self open and gulping in water. I have a high lung capacity. In between i surfaced twice or thrice above the water. Could open my eyes during the whole episode. The waves were hitting me hard. After a period of time i could feel the land just a Oedema of extremity below me. I was thrown back to the beach. I was in shock, im still in shock. Im unable to process anything. During the episode, i was happy, that i was leaving all this shit behind. After i got washed up ashore i was lying there for sometime, two guys were close to me, i dont know where they came from, they were talking about me but didnt talk to me, some people passed by, i searched for my phone, couldnt find it. I had enough money in my pocket to make it home. I lost my spectacles somewhere, my eyesight is around -5, found it Tired difficult to make my way to the bus stand, Im still Tired much wanting to leave all this shit behind, but im a coward, Im not able to bear that much pain. I think shooting myself in the head is the best way to go. But getting a gun in India is impossible for common people. I dont know what to do. If i had a little bit of courage, i would have went back in. But im a fucking coward.', 'Maybe my post history will give an idea. There are just a couple of posts. ', 'I cant. Its not creepy. I just cant. She knows how much i love her. Im writing her a letter about it.', 'may be looking at my post history would help. There are just a few posts...

Attempt

Since I just agreed to assist you for bacon I felt obliged to reply to this.Believe me man, as many times as Ive felt shitty (Never seriously thought about Suicide though) Things have always gotten better. I think you need to just chill, you seem like a cool guy, appreciate the smaller things in life a bit more. The chances that you were even born were astronomical.If you want to talk more just reply! ', 'Woahhhhhhhh, hold up, yes.What is the Disability if you dont mind me asking?There are jobs that you can do from your computer you know.Im not criticising you', 'You sound smart, and you sound like you need a job, which Im sure you could get, if I was going to do anything silly, Id certainly make sure Id had a satisfactory life first. Sounds cliche, but the worlds your oyster. People in a worse situation have came out better.Best of luck. ', 'This is literally the strangest moment in my life. Im a 16 year old boy living in England, I came over the this [/r/](/r/) by chance and now I have the potential to change someones life. In a weird kind of way youve just made my life better. Im going to have to sleep sometime so Im sorry!, but I shall talk tomorrow if you wish.Best of luck in the meantime :) Im sure youre a real good guy.', 'Depends what the reason is. Im only an ear and a brain to you. You can tell me.', 'http://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/pcarg/burden/This guy needs some help right now, Im going to have to go.', 'Hey man, you offered bacon. Just kidding, seriously though, anytime. ', 'Thank you for taking the time to thank me and to comment on my comment.IT BEGINS! ', 'Hey, so I just came over to this sub-Reddit to have a look around and to try and educate myself on how other people feel. Your post was the first I saw. I clicked on it and read.Whatever you do dont Pain yourself, It is such a big mistake. Think of how amazing it is that youre here, not to sound to cliche but your left hand is made from particles of a different one from your right!Think of all the beautiful places and things that you can experience. Its a giant word out there. Maybe you should take a few months break and explore. Do whatever youve ever felt like doing. At this moment in time nothing should matter more to you than being happy.I really hope you read this and hope that it makes a difference.Im sure that there are many people to talk to, either on line, by call or in real life. Please dont do anything that will harm yourself. Please reply', 'First of: "I think it would be better for everyone" should never be a last resort. If you really felt this way you could always move away.', 'Would you mind telling me what your Pain is? I may not be able to get back to you for 20 or so hours, but please hold on. Hell, try and hep some people in your own situation. You may feel better. Im sure potentially saving a life would be one of the most rewarding things possible. Do it for everyone that cares about you, look at some pics of yourself as a child, think of back then. What would that boy think of your situation?', 'You are that boy. Practice for a marathon, do some sports, Damn, try bungee jumping, you may as well try them right?', 'If you really feel like this, then I suggest you just leave her for a while, and go and do some things you find fun. I mean if youre really that tempted by death then I think you should go have some fun while you can right? Im sure your girl friend would be so upset if you Pain yourself. I honestly wish I was better at this, I just came to this place today and dont know how to say. I feel that I have to try and help some people. Think of the simplest thing that makes you happy and keep thinking about it.Looking at your recent posts you seem like a really nice guy, Im sure that youre at least adding some value to their life. ', 'You just answered your own problem man.You say to her: "Whats up?"When she says that nothings up you tell her what you just said."Its better to talk to someone than hold it in."

Supportive

Yes that is true, but our parents are the only people who will honestly be there for us and love us no matter what. Maybe tell them youve been struggling and that you need a little help and just come clean? It might even help you more than you think... Sure they will be mad but that will blow over. Never doubt yourself in anything... You sound like a Tired intelligent individual and I bet you could do wonders in school. This is just a learning lesson and youll go back with a vengeance! Goodluck to you! I am here if you ever need to talk. Goodnight :)', 'Maybe you think about it because it does provide relief thinking that all your problems could be solved and go away with just one action... Doesnt mean you truly want to do it. Just seems like a Sharp Pain and easy end to the Pain.', 'My coping mechanism was watching my friend commit suicide and what it did to all of our/her friends and mostly her family.. You dont think much of any of this while youre battling Depression but it affects the people in your life that you thought didnt care more than you would ever imagine. Which is what has gotten me to try and fight this disease before it gets worse. Although most times it feels like Im fighting a losing battle.', 'Is there a specific reason why you couldnt pass the other classes which led to the probation/suspension? If you would like to talk we can do it here or PM.', 'Why do you feel like youre a disappointment to everyone around you? Im sure everyone here has felt this type of way but its not worth your own life.', 'Ahh, I had that exact problem. I am a horrible writer or at least that is what I tell myself. I am not creative nor interested in the subject so it is also one I struggle with. What Ive learned however is that you just have to tell yourself to suck it up and write something. As soon as you turn in that first paper it gets easier and easier throughout time. Who cares if you get a low grade... You will learn from it and improve for the next paper. Is english your only problem? I was on academic probation and then suspension and I just decided to cover it up by saying I needed a break from school to figure out what I truly wanted in life. I have been on a "break" for about a year now and it honestly did me good. Maybe this is what you need and will put things into perspective for you. If anything it is an excuse you can use with your parents and say you would just like to work for a little bit until you figure out what it is what you want to do with your life.', 'Someone I knew committed suicide and it led me to feel the same way... Why couldnt i work the courage up to just do it too? I still dont know til this day and Im trying to figure it out. Maybe theres a reason... who knows. Sometimes it just feels like youre not cut out for this life but theres nothing you can do about it. ', 'What is making you think of suicide or feel like life is working at a tough job?', 'I always struggled with english as well until I finally found a professor that changed that. How have your english professors been? Also, what is distracting you? What exactly is it that you struggle with when writing?

Ideation

Well, you dont have to do it if you dont want to, I mean, its up to you, I dont wanna bother. You could take a picture if youve handwritten it, or something like that. Id love to read it, though.', 'I PMd you, if youd like to talk. Im going through something similar.', 'Yes. Ive struggled a lot with Depression in the past, and I feel a lot better now. I hope you feel better.', 'THIS IS SO ME AS WELL (no, Im serious, Im *picturing-siblings-holding-my-dead-corpse* serious).', 'Happy birthday, man. *internet hug*I hope you can get this sorted out. Id have a movie night with her and maybe drink some alcohol as /u/Felecs suggested. But dont fucking do that shit alone.', 'Why do you think that might be? I guess this is what everybodyd say, but, dont you think theres something *you* could do about it? Would you like to discuss all this over PMs? (its okay if you dont want to reply or anything, I understand answering these kind of questions is not fun, Ive been through all of it)', 'Yes. I get what you mean. I have this problem where I cant help but focus constantly on mistakes Ive made in the past, no matter how small or stupid they are, or even if they havent cause any damage or change whatsoever. At least thats what people tell me, because I feel like everybody remembers everything Ive done wrong and cant help but hate me a little more every time I mess up. Im too afraid to ask people for help because that would make them remember my own mistakes.Its sort of a vicious cycle.', 'I can, but its the first time since freshman year that ive felt like i wont be able meet my deadlines. So that has me feeling pretty bad. I hope somehow Ill manage to get off my ass and do something in these 15h left.What did you paint? A painting, or like, a wall?', 'Well, I just hope he sees this somehow.', 'You guys are awesome. Thank you. Youve made my day.', 'Well, I wouldnt trust my own advice, but I find that feeling better about myself makes me care less about what other people think of me, regardless of who they are. Maybe you should do things youre proud of, I think nobody should be disappointed of you if you do what makes you happy.', 'Have you gone to a therapist? I have a friend who has pretty bad mood swings, but he has learned to control them by having people tell when hes approachable or not (and through exercise and taking some care of himself). I dont know if you get what I mean. I admit hes a difficult person to work with, but in no way deserves to have no one to care about him. A couple of other workmates and I appreciate him quite a lot. Do you work, or study?', 'Have you tried not taking it? When I was on medication, the real cure was to stop taking it. Maybe itd work for you?', 'Even though Im sure I cant even grasp what it is to feel like this right now, I want to let you know I support you. You have every right to feel this way towards your family, and they shouldnt have treated you this way. Youve been completely fair to you parents and your sister, you seem like a reasonable, great guy/girl, and I think you deserved to be treated as such.Im here if you want to talk, so PM me if you feel like it.', 'I really, *really* hope you get to read this.Ive read all your comment responses and I feel I sort of get you, in a way. Im 16, and I had been planning my own suicide for some months until a few weeks ago. I sort of postponed it for a long time, mainly because of being lazy and not really having the guts to just go ahead and do it. When the time came, I was so determined I figured nothing would stop me from ceasing to exist, but since Im still here ^(I ^think) you know I didnt succeed. And Im glad I didnt. After not having any kind of hope or reason to go on living (I had even sorted out the guilt of having my parents suffer), I reconsidered it all and just... didnt do anything.I feel like Im not gonna be able to explain myself any further. Its sort of... its some weird shit. Id really appreciate it if you read my comment. PM me if you want to talk. You say youd love to talk about your life. Would you mind telling me about it? I wont tell you not to kill yourself, if you dont want to. just wannna talk.', 'Id like to read some too. You sound (well, *read*, I guess) a good writer.', 'I would hug you. Ive been in that same place before. Its awful. If you want to talk or something, just PM me.', 'Well, theres something.. youve said you want to write down your reddit username on a postcard. Why is that?', 'Well, this actually makes a lot of sense. Do you think your parents/someone else will be able to find your post? I mean, do they know about reddit, and stuff? Also, seems like youve made a new account today (probably), you didnt want to use your regular account? or you just didnt have an account before?', 'I do the exact same thing. Sometimes when I mess something up, even if its just the smallest mistake you can think of, I insult myself and remember it for months, telling myself how stupid I was every now and then. It makes many people mad, which it shouldnt. Ive tried to avoid it, but I feel even worse if I just shut up and dont say anything. Ive learnt to cope with it, I guess. Sorry I dont have any advice for you. I just think Id tell you youre not alone out there.', 'Ill also be moving out of my hometown, in a couple months to go to university, and even though I feel really sad about leaving my friends and my family, Im looking forward to it. I want to start a new life by myself. Ive moved out of town a couple of times before, and Ive left great friends, but let me tell you it can always be better than it was before. Yes, I admit its sometimes hard to start over and make new friends, Ive been through all of it, but its not impossible. And you can always keep in touch with everyone and everything over the internet. I hope it helps you in some way. ', 'I saw a post not long ago where a girl found a job after looking for 6 years. I understand it must be hard not to have a job but, maybe you could still find a job and figure it all out. Either way, I hope you dont kill yourself, and I want to let you know we are here to support you. What do you do? Whats the kind of job youre looking for?', 'Im glad you liked it. Ive visited it regularly for a while. Im happy to know others may appreciate it as much as I do.', 'Well, honestly, you sound like a perfectly normal human being, I can see no reason why no one would care about you. Maybe you dont hang around the right kind of people? Would tell me a bit about you? What do you like? What do you do?', '/r/r4r', 'Is there anything you think you can do or have tried to do about it? What do you mean when you say you cant have anything you want? that youre always wrong?Were here to support you. I hope, we all hope you feel better.', 'I dont think youre *beyond* help. Nobody would ever do. I know Im someone you just *met* on the internet a few minutes ago, and I accept I dont know how you feel, definitely never will, maybe nobody on earth does or ever will, but the fact that youve cared to post about how youre feeling on this subreddit means youve still got hope you can sort things out. And believe me or not, you can. Ive been held up against my will NOT to commit suicide, and I thank those people now. I was diagnosed with severe Depression disorder (or something like that, I dont even know what the actual full name of the disease was, didnt care about any of it) a few years ago, and had a terrible time going through treatment. Actually, I didnt ever finish treatment. But that experience taught me that the only person who can solve my own problems is myself. I got Tired of sitting around, doing nothing, and I decided Id finish high school. Right now, I just got accepted to university a few days ago and Im moving off to a new city next year to begin a new life by myself. Youve just been unlucky until now. As clich\xc3\xa9 as it may sound, (and I know, believe me, that it does) it CAN and it DOES get better.', 'Ive found talking to people about my problems and sharing them with others (i.e. meeting or talking with people with the same problems I have) makes me feel a lot better, and its easier to make decisions while calm. Would you mind telling me about what made you make this decision? So you can, you know, reconsider?', 'Cant believe I had never been told about this! Thanks, random stranger! Have a great day! Do you think theyd like my ambulance helicopter?', 'Do you know anything about whats causing her trouble? Is it the fact thats you are going through a divorce, or could it be something else? I suggest you should keep a close eye on her, maybe sit with her for a while and show her your support as friends (even if you dont mean it, although I think you do, if youre concerned for her well-being). From experience, Id say maybe the biggest thing that leads people to kill themselves is loneliness or perceived lack of support. Talk to her.', 'i didnt come out of my room except to get deliveries at the door. so much schoolwork piled up for tomorrow yet i didnt lift a finger to do any of it. idk, just stayed in bed, slept 30h overall and listened to really loud musicwhat about you?', 'Please, report to the moderators the person who sent you this message. Those stupid people are only trying to Pain you. Weve had these kinds of problems before. And, from my point of view, you still got plenty of things to look forward to. I was bullied after I moved to where Im living now after people found out I was gay, I live in a seriously homophobic country. Although I dont have too many friends, Im not bullied anymore, and Im looking forward to graduate in a couple months and go to university. Remember that, no matter how terrible it looks, it can always get better. And it will, eventually.Also, we are here to help you and support you. If youd like me to tell you about my experience or what I did to survive through the bullying and most of high school, or just want to talk, PM me, Ill be here.', 'Fellow 16M here. Id give you a hug if you didnt mind me doing so. Cant say Ive gone through anything similar to what youve been through, but I want to say I admire your maturity and braveness facing all this. My mom is one big slouch, big enough to make me not want to get home some times, but nothing compared to this. Is there somebody you can tell that can help you through it? Maybe a relative?Also, dont be afraid of failure. I cant say Im not afraid (Im just a little pussy) Im going to the big city to university next year after living all my life in small towns, and Im scared as fuck. I dont think the military is a bad option at all, you shouldnt think thatll mean you wont succeed in doing what you want to do in life. Many of my friends have chosen the military because they believe its a character-shaping experience. I dont know if I put that well. Read about [Ludwig Wittgenstein](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ludwig_Wittgenstein). Ive always found amazing and brave the fact that he volunteered for WWI because he thought (Im quoting my textbook, I had to take it out just to write this) the experience of confrontation with death perfects and ennobles men.*hugs him***EDIT:** Also, you should find something that makes you feel calm, something that relieves you from Stress, and do it constantly, get better at it. For me is the piano. I cant sit alone and play it with headphones for hours, and no matter whatever it was I should be doing at that moment, I never regret time spent playing. Also, Im not Tired good at it, but Im the one whos listening to it, and thats all I care about. I dont think you need to be good at doing something to enjoy the hell out of it. That, and masturbation. But I cant get *better* at jerking off, so it isnt as exciting and engaging. Thats why I dont think smoking pot is a good idea, at least not something you should do all the time. Get a hobby you can practice by yourself and not be bothered by anyone, and smoke some pot and jerk off every once in a while. Sounds depressing, but if Stress is what youre going through, Ive found theres no better thing to do than to keep yourself entertained and/or occupied. Sorry for long text, I hope its helped in any way.', 'Heres a hug from a fellow gay person going through somewhat similar (actually, pretty similar) circumstances. *internet hug*. Im not gonna rant about my life, but I want you to know youre not alone out there. If you want to talk, Ive got lots of things to say, Ill be right here. PM me if you like.

Behavior

I am battling Depression with Suicidal and self harm thoughts and I have not told a single soul yet. And I cant bring myself to say it or verbalize it in any way.', 'I hyperventilate myself voluntarily when gets so bad that it feels like the Pain is eating away my Tired soul. I put my body into the fight or flight and it removes a decent amount of the anguish for a time. Its nice to be able to have a break if I need it.', 'Your life situation is almost identical to mine except I deferred from collage twice and we cant get guns where I live. I plan on seeing a physiatrist for the first time in 3 days just to see what kind of care I can get, but I hold little hope because our health care is really bad here. When I went to the place the first time I told them I was afraid I have schizophrenia because I was too afraid to tell the nurse I was feeling Depression and Suicidal.I think you should at least give a therapist or a psychiatrist a chance first before you proceed with your plan.Nobody in the entire world right now knows how Depression and Suicidal I feel right now and only 1 or 2 people know Im seeing a psychiatrist. I also lied about why Im seeing one to the people that know. Between now and then Ive been writing a journal about what I feel right now and make a time stamp in the journal no matter what it is because Ill probably get Feeling nervous and forget everything when I walk into the psychiatrist office. ', 'I Fear I might get rejected, judged or abandoned if I bring up a topic like this.

Behavior

There are many things that can help.If you got nothing you got nothing to loose.Life is hard. It is a riddle. Some people are happy, some are not. Some are doing what they love some dont.Steve Jobs did what he loved, but he is dead. You on the other side is alive.He gave the advice that you should do what you love. That advice you havent been following.He said that you should live each day as it were your last.10 years ago I was contemplating suicide for some of the same reasons. I decided to move home to my parents. They helped.Then i did lots of things. I read selfhelp books, took mushrooms, stopped drinking, bought a gps, bought a vaporizer, startied using a memorizer app called anki, stared using a text to speach app, started using an app for registreing what i ate (myfitnesspal), started with something called TRE witch helps with dealing with trauma. All that shit made a difference.Why am I saying this?Because the little things help. Fuck society, fuck their expectations. Try to find out what the little things that drive you mad is and try working on it. I takes a lot of time, but change can happen. It seems hopeless sometimes, when you have been Depression for a long time, but suicideplans might be a call to action.Be brave. Talk with you parents, then start working on the little things. Dont be afraid to ask others for advice, and dont be so sure that you know everything about yourself, the world and your potential in this world.

Ideation

No worries, I was a bit busy myself too. Was sent out of town by work due to some issues at another site. I kinda forgot about it a lot when I was out of town, with the change of scenery and all. It felt good these past few days on the road traveling. After I got back, job had an xmas party. Everyone at the company was there. As I walk through the halls at the party, people walked up to me and thanked me for being Sharp Pain and helping them out with their issues. During a speech with the companys owner, they had me and my team stand up and was thanked with a standing ovation. Yet, I still felt like shit. Absolutely terrible, why?They all had wives, gf, fiancees, etc. I had an empty chair next to me. It felt awful. One of my team members actually walked up to me and said "Look, youre an awesome guy, well organized, charismatic, good looking, why no girl?" I really didnt have an answer, I just told him I havent dated since I broke up with the last one two years ago. I just felt awful. I just went to a bar afterwards and drank a bunch of shots. I then got home and really thought about putting an end to it. I instead just fell asleep and didnt wake up until about 5PM the Saturday. Its the same reason why I dont really hang out with a lot of my friends anymore, they have their gf/wives/whatever and Im alone. Why didnt I call her back? I didnt want to feel like the desperate guy just chasing people around. If she really cared, she wouldve responded, right? It seems like she didnt care. Now its too late anyway its been nearly two weeks since that happened. Sure, I have gotten girls, but I was younger and didnt have a kid already. Now Im older, have a kid and I feel like the minute I mention it theyll just say "oh I dont want to be a mother to your kid." Well, Im not asking them to be one, I am perfectly capable of raising my own kid I dont need their help. Yet, I dont see me having the chance to even respond in that way. Im glad youre there to talk to at least, it does help a lot. ', 'Well, the only way my job would pay for me to travel is if SHTF at a site where an manager has to be involved, and its only going to be for a Asthenia for the most. I think the deeper issue is that the travel changes the atmosphere, the situation and it allows me to take my mind off everything and just focus on the situation at a site. This lasts until I have to go back and deal with it again. Second problem is my daughters 2 so cant road trip with her, or fly or really go anywhere at this point. Third, custody over my daughter is Tired complicated. Per our agreement I get 5 days/wk and every other weekend, but I have to look like I am home all the time to get that. That was fine when my last job lets me work from home. This job doesnt let me do that, so I fake it and hope she doesnt find out. Meanwhile, this morning I go to pick up my daughter, its 50f Common cold weather and my ex brings out my daughter barefeet with just a shorts and a jacket and of course shes Common cold and bundling up. Yet there isnt much I can do about it because its my word against hers. She gets away with doing stupid shit and I get screwed if I even make one mistake, so I am on edge. It gets Tired stressful and frustrating. Theres times where I just hang on and deal with it for the sake of my daughter, and then theres times Im just so down lonely and unhappy that I start to think about ending it because its easier, less stressful, less depressing and the Pain, the self criticism and the Feeling angry I have just goes away. I feel so Tired right now. So Tired and just burnt out. Times like this is when I really want to just give up. ', 'I tried speed dating, tried those lock and key events, nowadays I just hang out in the meetup groups since there isnt any more of those type of events until January for the earliest in my area. Ive tried OKC, POF, messaging around with no response back. After a year of that I just deleted those online dating profiles as they were useless. Confidence is probably my biggest problem. It doesnt help when you keep trying and its just rejection after rejection for years. It just feels hopeless. Sometimes in the morning I just feel like killing myself and I think about it a lot, especially right when I wake up. ', 'Well, I enjoy my job more than the previous one, but I think its just the "shiny new object" feeling thats gone from it. I work as a middle-manager supervising a 30 man team. Wont say more than that. I had to fire a guy a few weeks ago. He worked there for a long time, but he basically did a lot of stupidity over the past few months that lets just say warrants him being let go. My boss said that as rare as it is to have to fire someone, its the toughest part of the job and he feels Pain whenever he has to do it. He said that I handled it really well and professionally. I know deep down I didnt feel a thing about telling him he was terminated and that he wont be compensated by unemployment, which is why I was able to handle it professionally. Ive talked to a therapist a few years ago when things really went to hell. She basically said she couldnt help me. Granted, it was to deal with a shiny new divorce and not about suicide. I feel safer talking on a tor browser than walking into a therapists office and telling him/her basically what I just posted. The last thing I want is my ex finding out and using it as a reason to take custody of my kid, then my decision to go through with it will be made. My problem is that there are times where I really feel like killing myself and I just get really Moody about it, but then I somehow manage to shake it off after awhile and just keep going on with my life. It could be something as simple as me waking up and thinking to myself "I should die" and then theres times where I sit in a corner of my room and really think about how shitty my life is for the next few hours. I literally go through my memories with a fine comb and think about every decision I have made which was wrong, and think about every time I fucked up and that I am just a dumb jackass who should really off myself. ', 'I do come in contact with people at work all the time. Some of my team members are there with me, others are communicated over the phone as they live far away. My boss gets emailed constantly from co-workers about how well I do my job. Its always positive feedback from everyone I work with.Yet, it really doesnt invoke any feeling. I still feel like I am a fuckup that cant get anything done right and I feel completely alone. Im in management, a team lead basically, but I feel like the lone wolf all the time. Its hard for me to really engage in small talk with them, I dont even know where to begin with that, so I just stay professional and emotionless in my communication as thats easiest for me.I go out sometimes, bars, clubs, etc. I try to talk to people, engage in conversation with them. Men, women, it doesnt matter, I just want some form of connection. The conversation seems like it goes well, they are willing to give me their number, we text maybe once or twice to each other, then they never respond back. Hell, I had a girl grab my phone, put her number in it then dialed her cell from mine a few days ago. I text her back about two days later telling her we had a good time, she agreed yes, she said she wanted to meet up, I said sure how about Thursday? I never get a response. Somehow I fucked that up once it gets to that phase. I dont know why or how, but its something I did. That disconnect always happens all the time.Then again, how can I expect anyone to like me, when I dont even like myself?Granted, the therapist cant tell my ex anything about me. What I am afraid of is if I start opening up, and then the therapist decides that I am a danger or an unsuitable dad or some nonsense then calls someone like social services or whatever. Then my ex would know about it and pursue it because shes mad I got more custody than she does. The therapist didnt break the law, my ex did exactly what I would expect her to do, and I am the one that suffers for it.

Ideation

Hmm. Are you in the States? Im in Canada, where Im lucky enough to get free health care. Im really not the expert to ask about American health care for people who arent on insurance. I have heard about free clinics for people who are on unemployment etc, or emergency rooms or something. It also may depend on which state youre in, laws and services provided may be different.', 'Get to a doctor, quick, tehtossed - and as you said, maybe this psychology centre isnt the place for you.Im not gonna tell you all the stuff about people who love you, etc. You need to know that Depression is a mental Illness and there are medicines that can treat it.The problem is, you may not know youre sick. The world seems hopeless and grey, and suicide seems like the only solution. Depression is a dangerous disease - and the reason its so dangerous is that its invisible.Use the drive you feel lately and get yourself to a doctor - one that is willing to do what it takes to cure you. You need the right combination of medication and perhaps some cognitive therapy.Good luck.', 'Yeah, um, your friend doesnt sound like much of one. Do you still have feelings for her? If so, hanging out with her would be just painful, so it may be best to just let her go for now.In terms of work, I am unemployed with the ability to find a job and am struggling to find the ambition to seek what I could easily get. I understand your apathy to finding work. I keep saying Im going to reach out and find a job tomorrow, the day after. One of these days Ill get it done, and Ill be off my butt. Im sure you could use graduation as a time to propel yourself to apply for what you want.When I feel like this, sometimes the best thing to do is to move. Across the country, to another city, whatever. Change your life if youre not happy with it. Moving is so easy these days. I vote against moving home with those controlling parents! I also vote against the military. Youve got lots of options with a degree.Good luck, dude!', 'Hi there thrawai. I have a couple of family members and at least two exes who have struggled with the black void that is Depression. There are a couple of things I need to say.First of all, you may not know this - especially if youre feeling this right now - but Depression twists the mind. Tendrils of self loathing, fear, and Feeling hopeless slowly and stealthily worm their way in around your mind, warping your perspective and making the world grey. Its not your fault, its a sickness.Just like any sickness, you need to get to a doctor. Get to an emergency room, a clinic, or whatever. Start with a prescription, maybe when your neuro-chemicals are stabilised you could try some cognitive therapy. Stay away from bullshit like acupuncture, homeopathy, and religion. That shits not proven and youll only get worse waiting for a placebo to kick in.Id tell you that the outside stuff can be fixed, and I do believe it can. In my opinion, though, you need to take care of your inner Pain before you can make your outer life better.Ive seen this disease ravage people I love and its terrifying. Your reactions to people (i.e. lashing out or whatever) could be your Depression, your Illness tricking you into paranoia, anger, and fear.Get help quick. My thoughts are with you, friend.

Indicator

Homie, I have no answers, yet Ill share. Im 27 yo, living with my parents, I own no car (Im afraid of driving) and Im a university drop out, and my parents think that Im trying to graduate every year (I am not and I will never). I work as a software developer, yet the job is underpaying - 700 euros per month. Im too afraid to search for a new job. So fuck me, I guess? Anyway, I had these thoughts of suicide and these fears to take charge of my life from like the end of a high school. And after these almost 10 years nothing has changed. Same feelings of dread, same thoughts of killing myself. Im standing here in the sidelines watching life pass by. Im afraid to kill myself. Yet, I hope that one day I gonna have this sudden realization of what have I done to my life, how badly I fucked it up and I gonna somehow gather all my determination and roll over the bridge. And my parents, my parents are getting old, homie. I wish I had a strength to kill myself then I was young. Now I look at my parents and go like "oh, you wanted a strong and grown son that could take care of you once you are old? Well, the best I can give you is a dead one! Have a nice heart attack! See ya!". Thats not the way to treat my parents. I understand that, yet I have no strength to change myself. I feel trapped. The point is - I have no idea, ok, man? If you gonna wait for something - aint nothing gonna change. You will end up just like me. Again - no answers, I have no idea.', 'The thing is that I dont see myself in the future. No wife, no house, no car, no decent job. Nothing. Every single day I spend hating myself at work or playing with pc at home. I just sit and wait for the time to pass by. Im not going to kill myself today or tomorrow. Probably around middle of next week, but the chances are I will chicken out and cry. Going to sleep now.', 'I dont know man. It is messed up. I dont even go to the exams, but I tell my parents that this time I might pass those exams and will be able to graduate. And parents get super exited and proud of me. It is like Im playing some kind of a Illness joke on my poor family.

Ideation

I had a dream about somebody else having an epsiode, not me. And I was trying to talk to that person and calm her down. It was really freaky and I kind of was shocked that I dreamt this, its like reality hit me in my dream. I think you were/are focussed on it and thats why you dreamt it. ', 'I feel like youre a lot stronger than you think you are. Wanna talk to me?', 'I figured, Eminem totally gave it away, hahaIm weird, i like Deep house but how good is Guns n roses?! Do you play any instruments?', 'Cant you live for yourself? ', 'I love playing piano and guitar, so i know what you mean! Hey you know what works great? Doing what you love. Why dont you start playing and maybe teach others?How nice is it to hear the sounds youre making with your own hands? A show sounds good, how about going to one as soon as you can?', 'I love reading too! What do you like reading? Can you go through a night without, have you tried it?', 'If you dont care about them, then start enjoying your life. There is nothing bad about being bisexual. You are whoever you are. Im not giving up on you. Tell me a bit about yourself. ', 'Please dont do that to your body. You seem like such a nice person, so talented, great taste in music. ', 'Hey, Anxiety sucks. What do you enjoy doing? ', 'I love dancing around naked while i wait till everything dries. What kind of music do you like?', 'Im going to try to save you now. Im in a similair situation, trust me i know how you feel. This girl is so lucky to have somebody that cares so much about her. Can you tell me something about yourself?', 'Hey, that\xc2\xb4s a long time to feel shit. How about not killing yourself and start doing something you love. Play those games, but just stay alive. Your family does love you. You can start a new life everyday. ', 'Denying it for a long time means that you were scared to admit it, which is understandable. I have my moments that im still denying it but when I dont, I see everything more clear and want to do something with my life. I think living healthy helps a lot, you may not see it right now but the longer you keep it up, the better youll feel. The sleeping.. Yeah. You know, just like this disease, the sooner you accept that youre sleeping less hours one day and the other day youre sleeping more.. It doesnt matter. Its not realistic to sleep the same amount of hours every night. The more you accept it, the more peace you will have in yourself. Try to build up a routine for yourself. Have a long shower, drink hot milk, switch your phone/laptop off. Think about how your day went. Look forward to tomorrow. In times when everything is overwhelming, go outside for a walk, breathe, count till 10, enjoy the air and make sure you are taking care of yourself. Tell yourself that it is okay to feel however you are feeling. Try stuff out that you feel comfortable. Maybe go and excersise, cook something, just anything that will help your racing thoughtsHope this helps a bit, not the best at giving advice, haha. ', 'Hi there. I\xc2\xb4m half Russian! I know our country isn\xc2\xb4t always accepting stuff and people. I know exactly what it\xc2\xb4s like to be poor and feel trapped. However, killing yourself will leave your family and friends devastated. They need you and love you.Do whatever you need to do to survive and trust me you will. Your thoughts can change your life. ', 'Break ups are really hard. If they were easy, it wouldnt have been love. You already survived a big part of your life, why not start a new life?', 'Happy birthday!You seem like such a caring person. What are your hobbies?', 'If she knew how broken you were now, she would be devastated. ', 'At least you were honest about it, how many men would lie about something like that? Dont kill yourself, your wife will never be the same again. ', 'No way! I paint to too. Not the best at it, but i enjoy it and it makes me so calm. What would you like to paint?', 'Hey, i think he was online 9 hours ago.', 'I wish I was 18 again! You made a choice back then, you have to accept it know cause it is what it is. Why dont you calm down? Go for a walk, listen to some music, rest your thoughts.

Supportive

I was 15 when I was arrested. Wasnt a good student or a good offspring, but I really turned myself around my last two years of high school. I still got suspended two more times, for doing stupid things, but thats just life. As cheesy as it sounds, whatever doesnt kill you just makes you stronger. And I think that because you are still young, you will have plenty of chances to screw up and try to better yourself. I would actually encourage doing more stupid things, because they make for good stories later in life and they allow you do look back at what kind of person you were and give advice to people who happen to be in similar situations. Also, when the time does come around, for you to help someone, you will see that this mistake that you made, getting arrested, is actually what is helping you help your friend. Not gonna lie, youre gonna feel terrible over and over again. Sometimes you will lie in bed running through the arrest over and over again in your head and think about what you could have done or said to get out of it. Where you went wrong in life, but you will eventually accept that it happen and move on.I encourage you to PM me so that we can talk more.

Supportive

Its in 2 and a half hours.', 'No one knows what to say. I do think I should be in a hospital but I have to work if Im going to live and I wont have money if I dont work. I dont know what to do but I know Im not safe at all right now', 'I dont know how to do this how can I just go and be like "hey I really want to kill myself but I dont have insurance and i know it doesnt matter" its so stupid. The whole thing. If I want to do it I should do it, if I dont then I just shouldnt. But Im freakkng out I cant take anymore I dont know what to do or what will happen I just dont understand

Behavior

You should walk in, put the phone/computer away and do it. Yes, Im afraid because as I said, whenever I try it just ends up as pointlessness. Im afraid to try anything, Im afraid to go through with anything, for Fear that it wont accomplish anything, and that if it does, the person that sees it, hears it, judges it; Whatever, will laugh or dismiss it for someone elses work thats better as per previous recurrences of such a thing. Or theyll patronize me and act like its really good, but just not good enough.', 'I cant help you, Im sorry, I feel hopeless. Its nice that you can relate though. Im such a screw up. Everything I know, everyone I know, they just do so much better than me. No one ever gets disappointed with them, but me, Im a horrid failure. I feel like Im always looked down upon no matter what I do, theres always something wrong with what Ive done compared to others. I want help, Ive been searching for help. Just dont know what to do.

Ideation

seems fun for someone who would be into it but Ive never cared for traveling Id much rather be home in my own bed :)', 'dont know theres a girl someone who has always been close to me even though we have never dated or anything she always told me I was good with words always doubted it never wrote in my free time or anything never pursued it since you enjoy I will copy and paste the other things ive written I reactivated my facebook after starting this just to talk to her and although I wont copy and paste all that I will say this I didnt hold back today with my words what is above this and will be below this is the outcome I feel like its just different chapters to my life. cant explain this so I will just post and hopefully you can explain it to me', 'it doesnt stop me from trying its not fair to put them through painbut its not fair to make me stay and prolong the painjust to get the same outcome in the end.thats why if it were possible to just disappear from existence and take all memories of me with me it would be done.', 'I am still here Im waiting a few more hours. But it is happening tonight.', 'Thank you for sharing I always love reading although I Tired rarely comment. Best of luck man make your dreams come true.', 'yeah it gives color to the world when all I can see is grey', 'I sat here for a few hours staring at the pills I was gonna take but for now Im gonna just go to sleep and talk to a doc tomorrow for the past 10 hours Ive been just reading everyones stories and struggles with Depression and suicide attempts, cant tell anyone what Im going to do for sure but if it comes to me attempting again then so be it, but for now Im gonna try something different and see how it turns out. as of 4/20 Im no longer smoking weed so idk how this is gonna turn out I read each and every comment throughout the day, thanks for everything.', 'I took my medicineI missed a daybut I didntbecause I knew I didnt take it yesterdayI thought about it many timesI should take the meds I thoughtbut i didntcant tell you whycant tell you why notevery thought I have contradicts itselfits always been that waytalk to herno dontyesnoYESNODO IT YOU CANTI CANNO YOU CANTYOURE AMAZINGYOURE WORTHLESSthis is how its always beena battleI went to the hospital a little bit agowent to a Stress relieve class or something dont remember what its calledused guided imagery but instead of going to the mountain the instructor explained I went to my battle fieldI see it clearly always haveeven right nowthe Flatulence/wind blows the grass movesno trees in sightits flatits not empty thoughswords.thats what is thereswords in the groundeverywheredifferent typesI see themmany colorsmany swordsI cant count thembecause they are endlesshow do I explain this thoughhmmthe color is not like the real worldits like the density of the color is differentdoes that make sensemaybe I should just stop trying to explain itI dont even understand it myselfbut I stand there on my battlefieldswords everywherebut I dont even touch themtheres no pointIm the only person there my enemy is there do you understand nowthey are meant for me to useto kill my enemyyou grasp it nownow that you understand then you knowthat when I look up and see my enemyI see myself.we both just stand there we know what it meansare we both just too Tired to fight?what stops us from doing itthe stage is setthe weapons around uswhy dont we use themwhy dont we end this use this battle fieldannihilatecreatewe know what happens if the swords meet eachotherthey breakand re createits sad isnt itthey arnt realbut they arnt fake eitherthey existbut dontin my mind but not realitybut how do I know that my mind isnt realitybecause Im told it isntbut what if it isits notit isyesnoit continuesthe strugglethe battlethe stagethe enemythe victorthe loserwe just sit therestillwhythroughout the years we still just sit thereit wont be like this foreverwe both know thatI use to wonder who would make the first movebut now I knowwe are the samebut nothing alikewe will both attack at the same timedie at the same timelive at the same timethis has no meaningbut it means everythingthis battle decides everythingand nothingI want to watch it all burnbut at the same time I want to save them allI dont want it to burnbut I dooutside the battlefieldinside the battlefielddo you get itEVERYWHERE IS A BATTLEFIELDthis fight will never endbut it will at some pointahh you see that partwe all grasp itsee beyond itbut stillhmmmaybe Im just bored of waitingmaybe Im ready to attackbut Im notbut I amits hard to determine how to end thisbecause it wont end.', 'would you mind going into details?', 'I know even they will understand. I mustered up every ounce of strength I had today and it was all for nothing just to fail, for the last time.', 'dk just kinda wanted to put my feelings down somewhere not sure if Im leaving a note yet or not probably wont', 'Agreed. Even when we are in a "good place" it is simply an ok day but we still wish to die, we wait for the black reaper to come and invite it in without hesitation. 300mg of Efexor-XR currently one thing I do have to say is when my senses go into overdrive it is pretty entertaining being able to hear a nat from rooms away over all the other noise around me. ', 'Yeah my family knows my mom and sister are Tired concerned I am Tired loved but I cant handle this. I cant go back to a psych ward I want to go to my doctor but fuck I cant handle all this Pain I cant understand why everything kills me inside I should be happy I go from loving life to wanting to die in seconds once it starts its so hard to stop and it doesnt last long Ive noticed I was different since 3rd grade I knew something was wrong and it just got worse and worse it went from just sleeping to constant suicide attempts I want a gun so bad it can do it so fast I wont feel this way anymore I need it', 'Honestly I prefer to be alone I just like to smoke and game nothing else I enjoy more', 'sorry this is so jumbled up after each (topic) I stopped for a bit and what came after is just how it continued messy but it seems right I could edit it again and fix it but I think its perfect Confusion within the thoughts like it truly is with me.', 'Why is it in my mind I can take something and come up with 1000 explanations but cant find one of why I am still heresuch Feeling unhappy in this lifesuch painmentalphysicalenduring itfor the same outcomesometimes I just cryIm weakIm strongthe strongestthe weakestI am hereI am notdont bother searchingthis ideationsometimes I wish they would stop comingbut I dont at the same timethe reason why every line following contradicts itselfwhat is the type of writing Ive been doing is it referred to anything in particular? maybe I should try and turn this into my reason for living to use my words to tell my story and maybe affect someone else. still wanting to diebut still fightingstill waiting on my battlefield', 'Only reason Im still here is because I dont have access to a gun if I did or could get one easily I would be gone. So I suppose Im just waiting until I can', 'still writing so Im just going to add it onto this all comments are appreciatedstranded on an islandwithin my mindso this is what its likeconfineda prisoner of my own mindmy thoughts the contradictions continuemy retributionto be forever confined in my heada prisoner of myselfpanic attacks in grocery storesthe instinct fight or flightI wish I was a fighterbut I runI wish I could flysoar in the skygracefully fly until my wings stop workinguntil the suns heat englufs me and takes meoh how I wish I could be a birdfly above everyonebe freebreak these chains that bind meinhaleexhalewhen the breath leaves my bodythe tranquility how I long for itI crave itall other desires have left meto be able to fly awayleave this all behind and soarfor eternityescape the oblivion which I beg for', 'been on prozac paxil but currently on Efexor-XR 150mg Im at a good point not Depression not stuck in the tunnel theres other options this is just the one that I deem best for me considering everything.', 'I guess I should try and ask more questions directly so here goes when did you guys find out you had Depression Anxiety (whatever else we might have) for me I remember being in 3rd grade I realized I was different from everyone else I always held back because of Fear and I prefered to be alone even at an early age didnt have many friends simply because once I left school I just wanted to be alone and its always stuck with me Depression appeared when I was 13-14 attempted suicide over a girl from then on was against suicide over a loved one but soon came to realize no one is exempt from the Pain use to think suicide was a cowards way out because of how society has brainwashed us saying its the easy way out have you attempted suicide before? even in a tunnel of despair suicide is pretty fucking difficult to get yourself to do its a war between our minds and our instincts, but my instincts have been wrong before panic attacks over talking to people???? thats suppose to happen when I see a bear in the woods and am about to get mauled thats when the adrenaline should kick in, not when I see a pretty girl and have to run and avoid her. my instincts are flawed and they are fighting my mind this is a eternal battle thats why people get Tired why they give up why its known as mental Illness because its just an endless fight as long as we live death is not a black reaper with a scythe its a woman smiling glowing bright holding out her hand comfort and peace.', 'both but prefer to smoke by myself Ive always kinda been a loner and just love it that way', 'yes like I said I reactivated my facebook she wasnt the first person I posted this to, after the Tired first post or chapter whatever you may call it I decided to send it to her since she was the person who said to me a long time ago how good I am with words. been talking to her deeply about everything she was the first person to know about what I struggled from since she suffers from somewhat the same thing and self harms or atleast use to Ive had no direction in life and feel as maybe this is what I was groomed for Ive written a suicide note but it never quite fit but this maybe if I can go to the store and get a journal I can fill it with everything I feel and maybe then whatever has been keeping me here will be left on those pages so I can finally do it and not do what Ive always done and just drop people without giving them a reason friends family I just dissapear and dont give a reason Ive always been alone on this battle field and no one can help because the enemy I face is myself. Going to the store to buy a journal will be back soon.', 'mind giving more details?', 'I can relate to this had a friend kill himself a few years ago was actually pretty good friends with him at one point but Ive always been the person to just kinda disappear and be to myself where Im at now and thinking about killing myself sometimes its like he lived walking distance from me and if I do it its gonna be like Im copying him or something idk its just another part of the eternal battle.', 'I try to ignore it when the thought starts that I know is going to cause Pain lately Ive just started screaming to stop when it starts but it doesnt stop I just want to not exist anymore. everyone is telling me to pretty much walk this off you have to motivate myself, no one has a fucking clue how hard Ive tried gym anything finding any reason to live but I just lose interest and do like Ive done with everything else in my life and give up. Id be dead already if I didnt have to try I cant even pull a trigger and have it end in a split second be done with all this fucked up shit. Im not going to live like this it either stops or I stop it', 'probably addiction now, use to smoke because it would get me out of the tunnel open my mind up make music effect me more. it stopped doing that for a while so when it came back recently its probably the only reason I havent tried again even after attempting quite a few times lately. Im thinking just being able to stay stoned for a while and experiencing that feeling I love so much nonstop for my final days would be nice ending it on a good note', 'Im currently on 150mg Effexor been on a few meds been to therapy its not helping Im still so lost Im surrounded by friends but Im so alone and Pain so bad I cant bare it anymore', 'not going to lie its pretty scary putting the gun together hearing all the sounds it makes I put it up to my mouth to get a feel for it and imagined pulling the trigger bang and its all over, thinking about 2 to 3 hours', 'Beautiful thank you', 'I just keep going for those once in a blue moon days where everything is good, some days had to abuse some pills some days had to smoke until I couldnt remember shit it is what it is hopefully you can find those days brother either way I wish the best for you.

Attempt

I know what youre saying, but thats not a Tired good reason to live, for me personally, at least. Why does it matter if people remember you or not? Why does it matter if you impact them? Im probably wasting your time because Im never going to get an answer that I think is enough to live for.', 'The thing is, I dont want to live for myself. I really like that last sentence though.', 'I like music, movies, and books. I do a lot of stuff in my spare time, now that I think about it, just not social stuff. P.S. youre good at keeping thoughts away from suicide.', 'When youre friend was talking about love, it seemed like he meant the girl in his life. That is why I was talking about the love for my girlfriend. There are different kinds of love. The one I was talking about was the sexual one. But, for me, all of the kinds of love arent enough.', 'Your family sounds like a bunch of really amazing people. ', 'The reason I believed in that quote was because the first time I read it was when i first started taking medication. I was so happy during that time. I wanted to scream I was so happy. I had no worries. If I were to kill myself, I wouldnt do it because of the Pain and bullshit in my life. I would do it because I wouldnt think there is meaning to life. I dont care if there is beauty on the other side. Why does it matter if there is? God I hate my way of thinking.', 'Is nobody reading what I said. You say that sharing of love is the greatest gift there is. My girlfriend and I are extremely young, but we love each other. It is a fact. It physically hurts being away from her. She has said the same to me. That said, I think there is no point to love. No matter how happy it makes us, it is chemicals in our brain put there for the sole purpose to make us want to have sex and reproduce to further our species. That is the only use of love. And the only reason it exists.', 'Welp. Im a fucking idiot.', 'Could you tell me a bit about yourself? Unless you want to go. You have fulfilled the task of keeping me away from self-euthanasia, so I think youre job is done.', 'Ok, had fun talking to you. Goodnight.', 'I need to stop assuming everyone on the internet is male. Its really cool to think about everyone you interact with has a completely different life. They have mothers and fathers. They have problems in their lives. Im sorry about your moms breast cancer. That must be hard.', 'Not sure quite frankly. Ive had anxiety. And Depression is definitely apparent in my family tree. But I really dont know if I have Depression. Its always on and off. Ill be really sad for a period of time (like a couple days at most) then just normal. Never overly happy, which is why I dont think Im bipolar. ', 'Whats the question?', 'Was it, "What did you do when you were younger for fun?" or something like that.', 'Then you would be wrong in that assumption. I will admit I do barely anything in my spare time. I absolutely love spending time with my girlfriend though. She makes me so happy. We have an amazing relationship. She has some pretty rough mental statuses as well.', 'Haha. I wish I Common cold meet you in person, you seem like a pretty cool person. And no I do not think Im going to kill myself. Not in the immediate future at least. ', 'Lets say I find one of these points to life. Lets say I do every single one of the things you mention. It still wouldnt matter. If I saved someones life, by my logic, there life is pointless as well. So, by my logic, it wouldnt matter if they live or die. Im not Suicidal anymore. But my thinking is still like this. Thank you for taking the time to write this out though. ', 'Thats a good quote. And that was my philosophy on life for like a month. My favorite quote from my favorite director is, "However vast the darkness, we must supply our own light." - Stanley Kubrick. For some reason I dont like this quote much anymore.

Ideation

Thanks for this. I was working with my dad today at my grandmas house and I took a break, sat down and thought. I thought alot about suicide. I was thinking I could go into her closet and shoot myself with her gun and it would be over. But I wouldnt ever do anything that dramatic. I was just lost today and I took a nap then woke up and went to work. I got over the bump today. and I know I can tomorrow.', 'I live in Hawaii And he lives in Arizona, I cant really do much..........', 'How old are you? What are some of your hobbies? Do you like art, music gaming, sports? The best way to feel better is to go out and do new things. Can you drive? If you can then you should try to go to the beach or to the movies, just get some alone time. Also, if you want to talk to me, Im here. Im 15 and willing to talk about anything, I went through this a year ago. Message me.', 'Danny is doing great, after I showed him this he was Tired grateful. Thank you for all your support :D I will keep you guys updated. he doesnt feel like mentioning anything. Im trying to get him to go to the doctor, again thanks for the help!', 'Honestly. Im doing good. I went swimming today ran around did some errands with my mom. I swam 30 laps without stopping. ', 'Yea, Im here messaging two people at the moment. Il talk to you, what you wanna talk about?', 'He doesnt know this, But I told my parents about it and We found his school got his parents number, were calling them tomorrow. ', 'This is a truly amazing story. Im glad you got through this!', 'He says his stomach is kinda uneasy and he feels like he needs to puke, He did take that much tylenol, But he fell asleep and puked it out, I think about 1/4 of the bottle probally disolved and thats whats making him uneasy.', 'Cant give that out without his permission, Very sorry Il ask him if he wants to talk to someone besides me. Thanks for your concern.', 'Im gonna try get him on but I dont know where he is right nowEdit he just logged on skype', 'I would like to talk if you want to, I just got finished with work so Im gonna go to bed early. I also have a family dinner tonight so maybe another day. Il message you', 'Fine :D thanks long time no talk :D', 'In contact with him now, hes doing ok he doesnt want to talk about it still. Gonna let it go for the night I think hes fine.', 'My take. Its that suicide is diving into Nothingness from something. If you have ever seen the money comercial. There is a guy asking a baby if he wants more money or no money. Think like this. If you are Depression and you want to commit suicide. The Slim Tiniest bit of life that you can enjoy is better than nothingness right? Who would want nothing over something? Nobody.', 'He doesnt want help....... I dont know hes being weird Dont know where he is at the moment, Gonna link him', 'dont know where he is right now..... I hope hes ok

Ideation

There is nothing else to share. Nothing can change now. No matter what I share or what people tell me, my life will be the same. I guess you could say its time I check out a bit early', 'I really do hope you help your students. All the teachers fucking avoided me because I was socially awkward and didnt know hope to act. Just make one promise to me and that is no matter how bad a student is, or how much they dont appreciate your help then just stay with them. I wish I fucking had that rather than abuse I got. Even if I graduate from something. Study something I WILL NEVER HAVE THE LIFE I WANT. before you say that I should have other goals of value other things dont bother. Some of us want to be doctors,engineers,teachers,athletes. Just because I want to be rich doesnt mean Im selfish. We all want to help everyone in the world. but sometimes we cant. We just focus on helping one person, even if that person is ourself. I cant be saved. Helped. Everyone I trusted, doctors, ex girlfriend, mum. Couldnt help me so whats the point. Even though I respect your time to say something and want to help me. Its time for me to check out early. I will be leaving to my destination shortly', 'Ive just arrived at the place Im going to spend my last day. Its peaceful and isolated. Just like my life has always been. I understand what it is like to be autistic, I hope you have found out a way to help yourself. Even though Im socially awkward having friends wouldnt change a thing to my life. ', 'Its time for me to go. Earlier than I expected but I there is no point living through this shit anymore. I dont expect ever to be found or remembered, even before I go I may turn back and released that Im a fucking idiot. But thats unlikely. Thank you for your help even it was for a day. ', 'I dreamt of becoming a football player every since I could kick a ball. It was a thing I did every day for at least 10 years, I generally loved it more than anything. But whats the point in doing it if I cant make a living out of it. One day if I chose to live I may end up in a nice apartment, maybe a partner who actually understands me and doesnt call me childish or shout at me when Im acting inappropriately in public. Im in a circle which is I cant be with people if I dont know how to act socially, and I cant learn how to act socially if I cant be with people. Its a circle Ive been in for years. I may end up having a friend and a career but it will just mask what I want in life. The only thing that has helped me was a superman comic. A fictional character. But now the affect of that has gone. If I was good at one fucking thing then I may stay around and have hope that one day I can reach my goal but no. No skills in fucking anything to help me. Its not fair. Everyone can make friends, do well at things, have a nice life but it has always been fucking me. Im sorry for all the other ADHD, Autistic, Aspergers suffers, hope you all do well in life but you have lost a team member. It was too much for me and I must go. Thanks for your help and I appreciated it. Even if it was for a day that someone I believed cared for me. Thank you

Attempt

The present also makes me sad. I feel like Im working for a future that will never get better. ', 'Its so hard not to. All of my college friends are married. The friends Ive made since then are also dropping like flies. They, for the most part, have jobs that even if they arent happy with are at least paying the bills.But youre right. I know this. I know things will get better. I just want the Pain to subside and the images of me ending it to stop going through my head.', 'Not entirely true. While I do struggle with Suicidal thoughts, my urge to throw myself off a bridge is purely out of curiosity to see what would happen, even though Im pretty sure it would kill me.', 'Hi. My name is Evan. I like board games, cartoons, dancing, telling jokes, conversations, and beer. I encourage you to talk to me anytime. Boom. Now you have a friend :)', 'Because for years Ive been unable to support myself. Strings of bad decisions leave me having to impose on people, and I end up overstaying my welcome', 'I dont even know. I am a performer at heart but I have never been able to make a living at it. When I try to "sell out" I always get bored and end up getting fired. Recently I had success as a bartender but I quit for what ended up being stupid reasons, so now I live on the other side of the country from where I was successful and I have to start from scratch again.I started looking for a head doctor, and the prices gave me a panic attack. Then I started looking for insurance so I could afford a head doctor and the premiums also gave me a panic attack.', 'That is one way to put it. Im also Illness of being a burden on everyone. ', 'I dont think Im bad. I just feel like other people have something I dont when it comes to being able to make it in this world. Im almost 30 and am struggling with things that seem to come so easily to everyone of my peers', 'I was posting this as a "I know how to get through it, you can talk to me" kind of thing. Im doing fine, thank you for your concern :P', 'Ah, yes, I misunderstood your intentions. Absolutely.', 'Listen to the arrogant worms happy happy birthday song. I sing this to my friends on their birthdays. It is a little morbid, so if you arent a fan of gallows humor, give it a pass.Or, if you like, I could sing it to you personally.

Ideation

Definitely not easy. I live in the Southeast US. As for unemployment support, as odd as it may seem, I really dont want that. I want to earn my money. I want to know that my money is given to me because I did something, not simply because Im down on my luck. As I said, Ive been homeless, and I cant tell you how much it breaks my heart to see someone thats obviously struggling give me money for a meal. It just feels wrong. Not that I dont appreciate it, but I feel that it isnt right taking money from another soul who needs it. Nowadays I spend my nights in drunken sadness, as my "friends" seem to think booze solves all of lifes problems. And honestly, Id rather die than fall back into that path. Its a dark and morbid reality to live in. I guess what Im trying to say is that I want to live life earning my living from those who can afford to pay someone to do honest work, rather than taking it for no work from someone who needs it. And seeing as that doesnt seem to be reality, I dont see much reason left to live in such a world.', 'My ex pulled the same shit on me. I had a gun to my head, said I wanted to die, and all she could say before she left was "do it." I didnt stop for myself, Im still crazy depressed. I stopped so that she wouldnt get the satisfaction of my death. They say happiness is the best revenge, and thats sure as hell what Im working for. Hang in there, you can find something that makes you happy. It doesnt have to be a person, or even a living thing. Just something that makes life feel like its worth living. And Im not saying its easy to find, because it sure as hell isnt. But that what makes it so much more satisfying. Knowing youve worked your ass off and finally getting the happiness you feel that you deserve. If you need to talk, pm me and Ill pm you back from my main account so we can talk. Ive posted here before and Ive since then gotten back on my Oedema of extremity and gotten my shit straight. It wont be easy, but you can too.', 'Maybe. I really hope so. Feeling this way is the worst. I really wish I could have a positive outlook like most people seem to.', 'As a follow up to this, where do I direct my "FUCK YOU"? If Im homeless, nobody will employ me. Ill be left with nothing but debt and a cardboard box. Douglass was able to start his movement because there were people out there that wanted to join his cause. People that wanted to help him and others like him. There were few, but they were there. Now with my situation, you know who wants to help me? You know who wants to help a soon-to-be homeless man with debt out the ass? Not a damn person, thats who.Not to say that your post wasnt uplifting, but he had people behind his cause. I have nothing. Ive struggled with alcoholism with nobody even offering to help. I *pleaded* for people to help me stop, and nobody did. Not friends, not family, not counselors. And at that time, I still had some control over my life, so I was able to say "fuck you" to that. Now Ive lost that control and Im still without the things I need. All I need is a job that will let me work my ass off for food on the table, but because of who I appear to be to complete strangers, its assumed that I dont need it. They all want to give the job to the older guy, who has a family backing him up, or the war vet who still has income trickling in if they really need it. Not the young guy looking to support himself. Ive killed my habits that seeked to kill me, and Ive done my best to better myself, and its landed me up shit creek without even a boat, let alone a paddle.', 'You shouldnt do it because youre looking for a life in the wrong place. This may sound odd, but its true. Not everyone is made out for university, despite what society leads you to believe. Find something you love doing and utilize that to make your living. What do you like doing? I may be able to help you out. Feel free to shoot me a PM if you want someone to rant to.', 'Ive been there and Ill throw my two cents in. Your teacher asked because they were concerned. Someone cared that you were there. Reflect on that. Chances are, nobody else even gives a shit if youve put on a few pounds. Shit happens, man. Youre not going to class to be judged, and neither is anyone else. Youre going there to learn, and so is everyone else. Just keep your mind to your studies as best you can. I know it isnt easy being depressed, I can speak personally about this. However, you signed up for the class in order to go there and learn new things and advance yourself. What harm can it do to learn a thing or two?', 'Im not calling *everything* here bullshit. But Im really fucking Tired of hearing "Oh, itll get better" or "Think of the people that love you" (Aint none of those left). Im looking for a legitimate reason to not just say "fuck it".

Attempt

Have you considered that maybe she likes you too, and dating a guy who shaves his head isnt really that bad?Hell, I know guys who arent going bald but shave their head anyway. If I go bald any time soon, Im planning on working out at the gym and rocking the ripped guy/shaved head look.', 'Have you tried other ways to get your mind off of killing yourself, besides cutting?', 'Thanks. See my reply.', 'You have a lot of responsibility here, my friend. None of us know her like you do, and youll have to walk a fine line between protecting her and keeping her trust. Talk to her, keep listening to her and get her to open up about it. Encourage her to talk about it with others too.Think about people you can tell, if it becomes any more serious. A teacher, one of her parents, or one of her siblings perhaps. Dont hesitate to get help if you have any real concerns that shes about to harm herself. Her safety needs to be the most important thing, even above your friendship. I know this is a tough situation. Use your best judgment.Edit: regarding whether shes exaggerating or making things up: if you truly believe that, trust your instinct. Just keep in mind that maybe she really does need help, and shes trying to get your attention.', 'Youre just being too confrontational. Its in your approach. People are weird when it comes to stuff like that, but theres not much you can do about it other than adapting your approach when voicing your opinions.', 'Are you absolutely convinced that life is not worth living, or do you open to the possibility that you may, somehow, find a reason to live (and enjoy living)? Are you on here to confirm your beliefs, or do you actually have some hope that maybe you can change your perspective on life?', 'Most of us have been there. I had to leave my girlfriend not long ago because I discovered she was cheating on me, among other things. things get better, though.', 'You say it comes out all wrong when talking to her. Have you tried writing a letter? And, leave the Suicidal thoughts out of it, unless youre seriously contemplating committing suicide and you need to reach out for help. In that scenario, however, I would recommend a family member or close friend.', 'You know, if you do go to trial, a jury may believe your testimony and acquit. (assuming youre in a US state court, and assuming you havent waived your rights to a jury).Its a tough situation, but even if youre convicted, I really doubt youll get life without parole, given the circumstances. Youll get out eventually, even worst case scenario. I guess Im just trying to be a bit optimistic.And all the rest of that stuff youre dealing with - dont feel so pressured, just try to help yourself through this point in your life. Youll be alright.', 'Ive literally never met anyone who actually thinks being a teenager was the best time of their life. Maybe college, but not high school.', 'It sounds like you have a lot going for you. Friends, good job. It also sounds like youre dealing with some negatives. Relationship with your ex, no pleasure from daily life. In January, were you actually happy, or had you just not reached the point of being Suicidal? Has something changed since then?', 'First, have you been entirely honest and open with the psychiatrist? I congratulate you for seeking help. I hope youre making the most of it.Second, is there something to occupy your time this weekend? A hobby, or a place you could visit? People often put off doing things they enjoy due to time or money constraints. But given your situation, I suggest making the most of the next couple days and truly trying to enjoy life. Forget the pressures and focus on yourself - theres no better time to do it.', 'That sounds like a great plan. If I didnt have school commitments Id be completely down to do this. ', 'You know, to be honest, the "spite" suicide has crossed my mind before in times of Feeling angry or frustration, even though I would never actually kill myself. It is, in a sense, the ultimate means of inflicting Emotional upset Pain on others. But think about who you would be hurting: those who are capable of suffering upon hearing of your death. You would be injuring the only people on this earth who do actually give a damn about you - and thats a Common cold thought. Even if youre really angry, and you truly dont care about hurting those people, you must also realize that the only fleeting satisfaction youll receive is prior to your actual death - after youre dead, you no longer exist and the Pain you leave behind will not satisfy your urge for revenge. ', 'Going bald is surely not a reason to kill yourself, even at your age. No qualifications? You can get some. Youre young. Id love to talk more, let me know if youre interested.', 'If people think youre hilarious and smart, congratulations: you are. Life is about appearances, and how people perceive you. Art is really not something that can be measured or defined. You may not think youre artistic, but dont arrive at that conclusion by comparing yourself to others.Dont hate yourself for being gay. Its natural, thats the card you were dealt, and unfortunately our society hasnt quite accepted that (yet). The best friend stuff is a bit tricky, Ill admit that. It sucks, man. Sorry to hear about how you feel. How do you think he would react if you explained all of this to him? It sounds to me like youre in love with him for a variety of reasons, but most critically for friendship. Maybe he can be a better friend if he understands what youre going through. Regarding the "fake" personalities you display: they may not be "you," but maybe they have become extensions of the real you. ', 'If theres a chance of jail time for a criminal offense, he should have been given or offered a public defender... ', 'Youre uncomfortable with your weight? You can change that. Ugly? Thats subjective, irrelevant, and youre surely being harsh on yourself. Gay? Why did you lump that in with "fat" or "ugly" as if its bad? Its not. I have social anxiety. But I deal with it, and Im in a Tired social career field that requires client interaction and public speaking. Dont let it stop you.', 'Can you elaborate on the problems youre facing? If you dont mind?', 'Can you imagine a life that would make you happier, if you were to stop buying into what society has "told" you to do?', 'sounds like youre dealing with a lot. if youd like to talk, let me know. the medical stuff is out of my reach, but it sounds like youre a strong individual for dealing with it.', 'Leave the university. Leave on good terms, if possible (dont fail out), but if you hate it, dont stay. Live for you, not for your parents. Do what you enjoy (or discover what you enjoy), and become successful doing whatever that may be. And your parents will eventually see that your choice was correct. Dont put so much Pressure on your decisions. You may not believe me, but at 19, you have time to experiment and figure things out. Youre not writing the story of your life - youre still brainstorming ideas ', 'Just because you dont get joy from what you have now, doesnt mean you wont find something in the future.lots of people feel like you do, but dont see suicide as a solution. What makes them different?', 'Sorry to be blunt, but youre wrong - it is entirely normal to enter college without a major or ideas for a career. In fact, most people complete general ed requirements at community college, then transfer to a university before choosing a major/career. Youre exactly like most new college students, so dont worry about that. ', 'I know it doesnt help everyone, but have you seen a therapist or psychologist? ', 'I agree that the world has problems. I also cant stand many of the people I encounter in my daily life (although not to your extent). But my point is, I sort of understand where youre coming from. And youre absolutely not the only person who feels this way. Is there anything you enjoy in life? Anything you want to try, but havent (for whatever reason)? What has prevented you from ending your life, if you recognize that you hate everything and your life is merely a product of society rather than yourself?', 'Ive felt that way. I still havent overcome the feeling, but I guess Im a decent actor. You might feel like youre weird for feeling like that, but the truth is, many people feel the exact same way. ', '> One bottle of pills and Im goneDoesnt always work out that way. Dont assume suicide is a pleasant, simple process.>A footnote in the novel of lifeYoure still alive - you dont need to remain a "footnote" in the novel of human existence. Why shouldnt you kill yourself? You havent discovered your reason to live - but that doesnt mean it doesnt exist. You havent found it yet, but I suggest that you continue searching. Youre not the only one with debt, and other problems. You can overcome those problems with time. Theyre not worth dying over.', 'But youre not *necessarily* going to fuck it up down the line. Maybe you have before, but that doesnt mean youre destined to fuck up every relationship or friendship you ever have. Maybe you expect to fuck up, and that expectation causes you to over-analyze and overreact. Its a self-fulfilling prophesy - a prediction that causes itself to become true. But it doesnt have to be that way. ', 'Sometimes a failed suicide is the surest way to appreciate life. Heres to hoping that happens.', 'One big reservation for me: people often experience Suicidal thoughts and desires due to psychological problems, traumatic experiences, or temporary circumstances. These feelings are often transitory or may be helped with therapy. If suicide is made legal (and easy/painless), more people will take that option rather than pursuing other options, like seeing a doctor. I do, however, support assisted suicide, as an option, for the terminally ill.', 'The only person saying youre pathetic is you.Why do you feel that way?', 'Best of luck to you.', 'Im not sure what youre saying - are you thinking about suicide because unfortunate things are happening in your life (like the heart attack), or are you suggesting that you want to kill yourself but you delay your plan because other people die and "interrupt" you (and you dont want to add additional grief in those situations)?Your title and the rest of your post seem to conflict a bit. I guess what Im saying is, why exactly are you Suicidal?', 'Ive looked into the "overpopulation" claims. Theyre mostly overstated; most experts agree that our current population *is* sustainable. We can even add a few billion more people, with adequate planning. The true problem is distribution of resources and urban centers. We have enough agricultural and water resources to sustain a global human population of at least 9 billion. The problem: uneven access to these resources, and inefficient land use. Advocating a smaller world population is one solution - but its drastic and alarmist, in my opinion. ', 'A criminal record wont prevent you from getting a job. Some jobs, maybe. But you can find something worthwhile. The good thing about criminal records? They matter less and less over time, and you can overshadow them with accomplishments. Volunteer somewhere, get to know people at school and get fantastic recommendations from people. ', 'Social interaction is weird in high school, you just have to deal with it. You sound more normal than you may realize.', 'How old is she? Whats her family situation? Are you the only person shes opened up to regarding her Suicidal tendencies?I suggest taking her seriously, to err on the side of caution. ', 'Sounds like you dodged a bullet. Congratulations!', 'How long have you felt this way? Importantly, what motivated you to embark on this successful career (which I presume required a previous commitment to some sort of education)? How did you end up getting married, if youre so miserable and despondent? ', 'OP, you and I both know that this is not worth jumping in front of a train. Life is full of misery, but usually each instance is fleeting. As is this one. ', 'Thats a riveting post. Well written, I respect that.Youre quite vague, though. Youve taken us into your mind but you havent provided a map. What sort of help are you looking for? What is it that youre unsure of?', 'The fact that youre posting this means youre conflicted. Rightfully so. Nobody here will tell you what to do, but I think its worth mentioning that ending your life is not a solution, but rather an act of desperation when you havent yet discovered your other options.', 'Im sure anyone here would love to talk, myself included.', 'I noticed your statement about medication and feeling "normal." Why dont you give it a try - see what it may be like to feel "normal"? Whats the harm in giving it a shot? Worst case scenario: it doesnt help. At least you tried.Edit: Youre going to a psychologist anyway - why not go the extra distance and try medication?', 'Why is getting into this major so important to you? So important, that you would actually consider ending your life without it? Also, consider what you just said: you would rather die than spend another year attempting to get into this major? how can you justify that to yourself? ', '> Everyone is beneath meSocializing with the wrong crowd?', 'Seek professional help now. Otherwise you will likely ruin your victims life, the lives of your family members, and your own - when youre sent to prison. Death isnt a good option. Youre stronger than that. But youre likely not strong enough to control your sexual tendencies indefinitely. You need to accept that and take preventative measures, in consultation with a professional. ', 'You seem to touch on this, but Id like to say it explicitly: surely living is better than nothingness, nonexistence? Find what you enjoy in life, and pursue it. Maybe you just havent found it yet.', '> My father is angry that I have no plan for my life. So am I.But...you just started college. Isnt that the start of a plan for your career?', 'Wow. At least you avoided working for a company run by total assholes? Firing you for being a few minutes late (with a traffic excuse) is utter bullshit. Something else will come along. Dont give up. ', 'As someone in the medical profession, you surely realize that youre rather close to average, and many other men like you are in sexual relationships. ', 'Cant you do something to change your financial situation, long term?Also, there are many ways to enjoy life without money.', 'You still online, OP? ', 'Im sorry to hear that. I know thats not easy to deal with. I also sympathize with your Diabetes mellitus issues. My sister is a type 1 Diabetes mellitus, and I know how dangerous your experience was. It does make this more difficult. The hospital probably violated their own rules and probably some laws, too, and I hope you never experience that again. ', 'How are you doing today? Would you mind sharing some of your work? Im actually quite interested in poetry, although I dont write it myself.', 'It may sound easy to jump and just let go, but halfway down youll change your mind. Dont wait until halfway down to change your mind. Life is worth living. It may be a struggle to find out why yours is worth living, but its a rewarding struggle.', 'I agree, trying new stuff and forming relationships is a great idea. But dont push yourself to do anything this weekend. The last thing you need is Pressure, even if youre trying to do yourself a favor. I suggest breaking your routine, but without any expectations (dont set out simply to meet new people, for instance - although that would be a nice result). Do you like the outdoors? Maybe go hiking or something. Do you like animals? Volunteering at an animal shelter could be both rewarding and enable you to meet people. In fact, Im a big advocate of volunteering in general, for whatever cause matters to you. You could even do something entirely out of character that youve wanted to do. Go rafting, or skydiving, or make the drive to somewhere youve wanted to visit. You know yourself better than anyone. Make this a weekend to remember.', 'How long have you felt this way? Did something trigger it? Is it a cycle - do you feel this way at times, but not at other times? ', 'You should tell us a bit about why you might feel this way? ', 'Why dont you enforce the court order to see your kids? You should live to see them grow up, at the Tired least.', 'I think you should share that with your psychiatrist, but I also think you should be practical and make sure your terrible experience is not repeated. Do you have people in your life that could check in on you frequently if you are returned to a psychiatric facility? I would also share that concern with your psychiatrist, if you do mention your Suicidal feelings. Fear of mistreatment by a medical facility should never be an issue. Its unacceptable.', 'Have you tried accepting how you feel about social interaction, instead of conforming to the majority expectation? Dont feel pressured to join social organizations if youre not a social person. Its like not joining a football team if you dislike, or are not good at, football. There are better ways to meet friends. Also, Im willing to bet your existence in this world is just as valuable as anyone elses, however you choose to measure it.', 'I noticed returning to therapy isnt an option, financially. What do you enjoy in life? There must be something. I think thats a good starting point, if were going to look for options.Edit: going to sleep, 4:30am here in California. Ill check back.', 'He has free will, and he chose to do it, even if you tried to convince him. It was ultimately his choice. Dont feel so bad.', 'if you would like to try talking to someone on here, Im sure we would all like to hear from you, myself included.', 'What do you do (work, school, ...)? What is a typical day for you, and what bothers you most about the people with whom you interact on a daily basis? ', 'Id be completely willing to let you take my couch, until youre employed. Of course, I dont even know which country you live in, so that may not be practical.', '> It sucks because my parents deserve to see their son have kidsYour parents deserve to see their son find happiness. Dont worry about the kids thing. Youre 17? You probably wont have kids for many more years anyway... dont even think about it right now, its a "distant future" sort of thing.> I would rather just be happy with myself and have close friends, and maybe a dedicated job that would consume most of my time and help people..Sounds good to me. Go for it. Do what makes you happy. If you dont know what makes you happy, try stuff. And on the "adulthood" thing, were all trying to figure it out. Theres no barrier where you cross from childhood to adulthood. You sort of just become an adult when you turn a certain age. Im 23, and in many ways I dont feel any different than I did at 17. Life is truly a learning experience, and its alright if you feel like youre constantly trying to figure stuff out. ', '> EDIT; Fags as in cigarettes, Im british!yes - "pack of fags" carries a **Tired** different meaning in the states. Thanks for the laugh. Im also 23. Ive also been heartbroken. Sure, its tough. I wont downplay that. I think the most important thing you said was your acknowledgment that you suffer depression. Maybe youre Depression for legitimate, real reasons. But it is also clouding your perception of your own life. For instance, I am willing to bet your friends and family do not consider you a burden. Im also willing to bet that your life can turn around and improve. "This life means nothing." So, why not make it mean something?', '>I just want to fucking be happy. For once. This is a throwaway. I bought a gun Boy. That escalated quickly. Lets slow down for a minute and talk about this. I doubt you lack empathy, and its alright to be selfish (we all are). But it actually doesnt sound like youre selfish, if youre attempting to help your girlfriend handle her problems - even if you believe its a lost cause.Can you please explain why you are considering ending your life? It sounds like youre in a challenging relationship, and maybe youre unsatisfied with your current friend situation. But let me assure you, those are not good reasons to end everything. And dont feel alone. You may never meet any of us in person, but a lot of us on this subreddit genuinely care about the people who post asking for help.', 'What stage are you in litigation for your criminal charge? (have you just been charged, has the trial been scheduled, etc.)', 'Can you elaborate a bit on why you think everything is "pointless nonsense"? Is it a personal variation of the typical "whats the meaning of life" debate? ', 'Are you studying something that could lead to an enjoyable career? What about your free time - do you play any sports, are you into gaming, music? There are lots of benefits to living. ', 'Haha. I agree, but Im not considering killing myself. Please elaborate.', 'It sounds like youre level-headed and handling the situation really well. Are you having so much trouble because youre beginning to believe what he said may be true? I ask because sometimes a person, like your ex, can choose something that is loosely true and then twist it into something awful and untrue. And when you think about it, you may think, "hes an asshole, but maybe he has a point." Thats abusive, and hurtful, and can be difficult to get over. Its important to realize that his opinions and statements were totally meant to get a response from you, in a psychologically abusive way. This may not be what youre dealing with, but it is common, and a smart, rational person like you should be able to realize that he should just be forgotten. ', 'Youre 18 and headed to college. If you truly want, you can leave your current life behind - not by killing yourself, but by entering adulthood and planning a future which you can appreciate and which makes you happy. Your life is about to change, for the better. Hang in there until fall. ', 'When was the last time you didnt feel Suicidal?', 'It sounds like youre trying to make yourself happy by doing what makes other people happy. Maybe you should change up your routine, re-evaluate your life, and ask yourself what may actually make you happy.', 'PM me of youd like to talk. I just went through a Tired similar breakup. Im still dealing with it myself.', 'Why worry about how other people perceive your features - just be yourself instead? Either through transitioning or not - there are people who will accept and respect you. It sounds like youre seeing yourself through other peoples eyes. ', 'Wrong is subjective. Nobody is "wrong"', 'Ive decided that the average person is quite stupid, and I would also argue that my morals are superior to those of others. I think I know how you feel. But humanity has its bright spots. ', '> I graduated> my boyfriend. Hes wonderful and I love him so muchYou have a couple of really awesome things going for you. Dont let your financial troubles overshadow the things that really matter in life. Besides, things will get better. You have a degree, you have job experience (of some kind), and you anticipate getting a graduate degree. I bet in 5 years your life will be completely different - for the better. You just need to overcome some challenges first. And really, dont compare yourself to others. Your boyfriends coworker has a new car? who cares. Im in my second year of law school - Im 24 years old, with a college degree - and I drive the same crappy 1996 Accord that my parents bought for me in high school because it still runs and I wont have a "real" job (or paycheck) until I get my J.D. I learned long ago to stop comparing my possessions to the possessions of others because it really doesnt matter.

Supportive

U will get through this. Maybe scream instead of cry. I would rather be angry then sad. Your strong,amazing and resilient. This too shall pass', 'Im new to reddit. I never thought about suicide but I have had some pretty shitty thoughts sometimes. To me it looks like u need a fresh start. Go to college and have fun. There are loans you can do with out a co signer. Be happy day by day.find a hobbie, sweat it out with exercise. Focus on the little things that make you happy. Make those things a big part of your life. Girls will come and go. Doesnt matter what you look like. If you think your the bomb.com others will too. Give the universe what u want in return. I know its hard but you will prevail.I like to make a list of what I want in life and go for it little by little. Now go play a video game, smell or fart under a cover, watch a good movie.I hope this helps. You seem pretty fuckin awesome to me!!!

Supportive

God this seems pathetic. Im pathetic', 'thanks.. im really lonely right now', 'Well, this is a throwaway, but Im a regular redditor. I wouldnt mind staying in touch. After all, you did help me here. Perhaps theres a way to privately send you my actual reddit name? PM me I suppose?', 'A psych profile I once took indicated that I should be a farmer or truck driver. I laughed back then but Im not laughing anymore. I envy you. You found a better place. You dont sound know-it-all. You sound like someone who finally managed to escape. Its good to know that can happen. I feel so much better out there on the road, or in the country. I cant describe it.. but I feel like I can *stretch*. One man, traveling light. Free at last.So why dont I be a truck driver or farmer? Well, truck drivers get tested. Understandable and unfortunate. Farmers need a farm and theres only one way left for me to buy one now.Depression is an intrinsic part of me. Like alcoholism, it will never never go away. That demon will always be there, and nothing can make him go. So I deal with it. There are bad days and good days, and the occasional really bad day like today. Its a familiar old piece of luggage that I can never get rid of, and have to learn to live with.Perhaps, like you, Ill find my way. I certainly cant say I never will, but it might not happen. Perhaps theres just tragedy coming. I suppose all I can do is try to stay graceful and brave. But its sooo hard sometimes.Im glad this place exists for those really bad times. Im glad you exist.', 'I dont even know where to begin. I dont even know if I want to begin. Fact is, Im in a frustrating place. Everyone keeps being bitchy to me around the house. They have no respect for me and all I did was just prove why.', 'I am amazing. Just getting bullied at work. Accused of some nasty stuff. Its not true. Im a good guy. Im just bad with some people I work with. Im 45. I shouldnt be in this position. Ill never be able to retire. Ive got this one stupid exit and no matter how I plan it, now I dont believe I can do it. Im getting alienated and marginalized and Im just too old for it. When I was a kid I hated it but I guess I just have a soft spot for it now. ', 'It is a toxic place to work. My old manager got fired because Microsoft sent a C&D about an unlicensed copy of Word on our network. They accused her of "ratting them out" and fired her and said to call the police if she ever comes back. Another guy got into a fight in the parking lot (he swung on another employee) and both got fired. They guy that got hit tried to fight for his job but it was the ol "banned from the premesis, call the cops" thing after he contested he shouldnt have been fired.Management here is inexperienced and things are done here that would turn an HR director pale. Its a miracle we havent been sued yet. Being a manager here is an exercise in making sure the owner either doesnt find out, or gets a dire, twisted version of the story. Its a family company and they have their own standards that barely get them by.Im actually really good at what I do. Like really really good. That makes me a target for the narcicisstic little bastards down front who all hang out after work and gang up on everyone else not in their clique (because every clique depends on a central focus to hate to help everyone bond and reaffirm how special they are).Im not retiring. Like ever. That ship sailed back in 2008. Im absolutely certain my life will end on my terms and by my hands. Im in lousy shape, but the good lord just wont help me out with that heart attack.Ive been telling myself over and over that this too shall pass. But now I get the impulses again. So Im here, trying to get it out of my system.It does help. You guys do help. This is what I love most about reddit. Not everyone is some bullying little shitstain, or backstabbing two-faced gossip, or bungling idiot making terrible impacts on ordinary peoples lives. Those are just the people around me now. Reddit is the true reality. Wonderful, insightful, friendly people who are a lot like me. People that suffer the exact same way that I do. People that are willing to hang out in a suicide prevention forum and spend their time talking to a sad, fat old man who failed yet again to even bump himself offThat means something. It doesnt change anything with me but I know theres a better place, and better people. I just have to find out where you all are.', 'I think either management doesnt care if they lose me, or that Im being set up to get fired. They believe that unemployment (along with overtime) is a cardinal sin, and its common practice to dirty up someones record to prevent a successful unemployment claim.Im actually going to talk to the owner tomorrow (hes kept in the dark about all this, of course) and see about a transfer. If he cant help (and supposedly he really likes me) then Ill have to see about moving on. I applied to about 4 temp agencies and 3 parallel companies. Ill be applying for more tomorrow.Im not sure about the reference. Ive seen them blow off reference calls for people they dont like (which is the same as a bad reference). Plenty of other co-workers have volunteered for references for me though. Im popular with customers and employees alike, just not with, as my friend so aptly put it, "the ones who matter".I cant and wont discuss suicide with my friend. He lost one of his identical twin sons about 7 or 8 years ago when his son stole my friends gun and shot himself in the mouth on my friends bed. Hes just not ready to hear that from me, although Id really like to talk with him about it, as he is my best friend and understands me more than any other living soul.', 'Like I said. Im 45. I work with kids half my age. Theyve let me know that its "inappropriate" for me to work there and alienate me as best they can. They have the tacit approval of management (who really just wants nothing to do with the whole matter) and they gang up together on me.Recently, they made accusations of racism and management just swallowed it. I got suspended for a Asthenia and now I have some Tired ugly stuff in my file. I begged them to at least investigate but they jsut accepted it at face value. Its grade school all over again and the administration still doesnt care as long as they dont have to. The kids are lying on me just to cut me down so they can advance themselves (I have 20 years more experience than anyone and it shows) and its working.Im too old for this shit. Im Tired and I want to stop now.

Ideation

I feel exactly the same way as youve described here. The hate and resentment I feel have become so unbearable. However, I really wish I could live... I really wanted to live Tired long... But unless I find a way to get as far away as possible from humans by the time 4 years have passed, then I will have to kill myself. So please, you who seems to understand this, please talk with me.

Ideation

You just have to search for someone like you, there will always be someone with similar problems like you. They might be hiding in a corner, waiting for someone to come help them as well. Trust me, I know how you feel, you just have to continue searching, there will always be someone.', 'You never stop dreaming. But there is a point at which you start losing the ability to remember the dreams after they happen.', 'They said all the normal ways you would think to calm down or not get angry. Nothing special, its like everyone things Im stupid and need to learn things I already know.', 'Ive been through a couple tough break ups, but those were online relationships. This is the first person ive found in my town who likes me, and she is trying to break up with me because she thinks she is not good for me because she dislikes cuddling and snuggling. Id much rather be with her for the rest of my life than cuddle or snuggle ever again.', 'Ive had two Psychotherapists. One doctor. And I talk to my parents all the time about it. I dont know why they arent helping. Im only fifteen. So I really dont know whats going on.', 'Ive told them what pisses me off and stuff like that... They even know what does. They just still do.', 'Yeah, It really Pain me. Dreams were where I went to enjoy freedom and happiness. Guess its just another contributing factor to my depression.', 'No, not really. The second therapist. A little, but not enough.', 'Yeah, pretty much, I try to avoid it as much as possible. But life doesnt always allow for it.', 'I dont quite know, they seem just random. Ive tried telling my parents what sets me off. But they never seem to listen.', 'I play video games, I do some writing. I talk to my friends on skype. I might go for a bike ride. But when Im angry or sad. I usually just curl up in my basement and cry.', 'Alright, thank you. Ill try that out. Thank you for all your help :)', 'It began for me when I was twelve or thirteen. From what I know, Its just because youre maturing.', 'Skype would work, My username is Robocloud.', 'She is at work at the moment and Im trying to find ways to calm down until she can talk again. But i am Tired happy I have a girlfriend and I really dont want her to break up with me because she thinks She is not good for me.', 'Ive told my mom before. My dad knows it from experience. Ive had to wrestle him off of me when I get angry before. I feel as if they dont like my because I actually am a bad child. ', 'Longest? Maybe a month at most. I dont really know... sorry Im being kinda useless...', 'Ive had two therapists and a medical professional on it. Ive taken four different medications.', 'I usually start grunting or growling, getting Tired angry really quick. I start yelling right away...

Indicator

you guys bring tears to my eyes. the fact that a complete stranger goes out of their way to help me. i cant take it. Im so grateful for you people, you are the ones who really make a difference. I wish i could just give everyone whatever it is they needed so that they could be happy. I am hopelessly hopeful but I respect you all a lot. I debated joining the marine corps and for reasons i couldnt join but I guess if i become this doctor i could still be that person I want to be right? Im so bad with words these days, everything was so much easier when I was a kid', 'i like you. i really want to help people but I have so many problems its so hard to keep going sometimes. Im waiting to seek therapy i just got approved for medicaid im in the us. im unemployed and a full time student right now so but the medicaid doesnt start until may 1st so ill have to stick it out until then. Ive always struggled with Depression but I dont like the idea of taking medication. Thank you so much for your kindness I hope I can save many lives one day thats my dream is to protect people.

Ideation

And another thing if you feel you dont have enough friends you should sign up to some sort of club, so you can meet for people; a tip I got from someone else.', 'I think it would be extremely selfish of you to end your life when there are people out there that actually care about you like your five friends, and I would feel pretty bad and guilty if you did commit suicide because I would feel responsible because I couldnt do anything to help.So you know that there are people that do care Itll get better I promise.

Supportive

Wow. You should know that military is one of the hardest things in LIFE to accomplish. But congrats on getting a new house, wife, and going through military. Im glad it didnt get worse. It got better. Good luck to you my friend :)', 'My hobbies are fishing, sports... Thats all I can think of... (Sorry for not messaging back right away, havent been on for a while...)', 'BlankLlama. About 276,000 teenagers try to kill themselves every year. 5,000 succeed. The main causes are stress, bullying, failed relationships, abuse, failed studies.I will be one of among 5,000 to kill themselves. I am 13 years old to. And this is my story: http://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/30jjiw/suicide_note/ ', 'Thank you SpaceHorror. ', 'Youre gifted to have a girlfriend, loving family, friends... You should not be thinking about killing yourself, you just want to do more. Dreams can become reality. Go and see it. Live life, take it in. But there are those who arent gifted like you. Like me. My story... My article... My view, is a whole lot different... The things you listed I have none of that... My story...: http://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/30jjiw/suicide_note/

Behavior

Never make such an important decision on someone elses behalf- Im not going to tell you that its not right, or to think about it anymore than you already have, but please dont.This might be the most intimate, personal decision you ever make so please, dont let someone elses actions make it for you.Thats all I ask.', 'The only certainty regarding death is that you never really know how it will affect you.No one who understands death could so readily wish it upon another, I think, especially to their face. Their words are just that and nothing more. Had they ever experienced a death, especially one by such senseless means as suicide, I doubt those words would cross their lips.You cant predict how death will affect you. For all your life you may have grown up hating and resenting a deadbeat, alcoholic father only to crumble at his passing. This is hardly uncommon.Please, dont make a choice based on what others want of you, and especially not based on what you think they perceive of you.I wont tell you what to do, or what the right decision is, but if youre going to make a decision I want you to make it for yourself.Thats all.Please feel free to reply in any form if youd like to talk.', 'A lot of my experience with CBT (admittedly limited, I didnt find it as useful as a more Psychodynamic approach) was focused on separating this voice, and using mindfulness practices to separate this second, critical voice from the one I consider to be my **true** voice.Im not sure if this would be helpful, but it is most certainly an option! I think lot of people struggle with a part of themselves that wishes they could be better, because thats a natural human drive.In certain cases, I think that voice is just too loud.Whats important to remember, for me, is that being louder doesnt necessarily make you more correct.Hope this helps.', 'Congratulations, man! Its so great to see a success story topping this subreddit. Youre an inspiration!', 'I have a really weird one.I listen to all kinds of music, indeed there are Tired few songs on this list so far I dont recognize- but so far I find the majority of them to capture only the lows of this disorder, the deepest fathoms rather than the everyday experience.For me, the song that best captures my everyday is [this](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wPenzvkMexc).Now, I realize that electronic music generally gets a bad rap as far as serious discussions go. But if you have a moment to listen, Id like to explain why I feel this way.The endless motion, the ceaseless progress of the drums, serve to carry me through it all. No matter how I try to focus on the lyrics, on the melody, they feel vague and blurry, subsumed beneath the formulaic progression of the beat.The few lyrics scream at me to open up, while the simple melody at first summons hope, daring the listener to continue on, chasing twin promises of beauty and of love.Yet once the final section begins, that hope is dashed- There is realization, sorrow, as the instrumentals build to a Fever pitch. All of a sudden the lyrics become a mantra rather than a goal, that if I could only open up things might truly be better- Why cant I listen to myself, follow my own advice? Its that easy, isnt it?If I could pick myself up, would there be a happy ending? Is there enough fire within my heart to see the end?I dont know....On that note, does anyone else like Huey Lewis and the News? xD', 'Im sorry to hear about the treatment youve received elsewhere, but Im hoping youll find those others were right to send you here. It sounds like theres a lot on your plate right now and none of it is easy to bear, especially when youre alone.All Id like to know is why you think you cant speak to a counselor.If its a financial issue, most states/provinces/countries have workarounds, programs or special services for those in need.If its a perceived confidentiality issue, educate yourself! There are Tired clear rules about what a counselor has to report and to whom it is reported, so at least you can find out before trying out.If its not either of those, let me know! Ive had a lot of experience with counseling and therapy that has been Tired positive for me, and I think it could help you too.Just my two cents. Please feel free to respond here or via PM, or not at all if that makes you uncomfortable! Whatever helps **you**.', 'Do you have anyone in your group or circle that knows about your depression, or maybe has experienced something similar? Even if it was with a relative, or a long time ago, sometimes help can spring from the most unlikely places.Friends, parents, teachers, maybe even a guidance counselor or a coach you really liked somewhere along the line.If youre losing your friends, theres no time like the present to try and make some new ones, or even reach out to some you may not have spoken to in a while.Do you think that would help?', 'When the Pain becomes such that the latter can no longer be called a "life" at all.

Ideation

Im a teen living with parents that control every aspect of my life, whats the point of me even living it', 'I just feel like killing myself is the only way I can have control over my own life,it would be my decision

Ideation

My views on Depression are not as based to biology as yours are but I too agree that life can only trigger underlying issues. But I also believe that you need some kind of trigger for every psychological problem.', 'If you are in US do you have insurance? Is there possibility to go to doctor without your family knowing? Have you tried to get new (and better) therapist? Its hard to see out when you are depressed. Or even in. Be kind to yourself. Its hard when Depression often makes us feel like we are worthless but you are doing best you can with a bad situation.', 'My time zone is about +7 hours so if you want to PM me in odd hours I might be awake.', 'What do you want to talk about? I want to hear what you want to say.', 'Even though your Anxiety is inside and not visible doesnt mean that its not Illness. No one expects people to function as normal when they are physically ill and no one should when the Illness is invisible. Be kind to yourself. You are doing more than I could for most of my life. I sometimes sound like a broken rocord here when I ask have you gotten professional help. I dont ask it because its normal thing to ask but because for me it helped. So Im asking that from you too. ', 'What happened for me was that I went for hobby and found people with whom I fit. It was more or less accident. And no, you dont sound like special snowflake, just someone who doesnt want to be alone anymore. ', 'I have been Suicidal since I was 9, had PTSD since I was 3, had eating disorder since early childhood and Anxiety disorder since around age 8 and at some point I developed personality disorder. Im 28. I got some counseling when I was 9, when I was 15-17 and again when I was 19. I tried Zoloft when I was 17 but got to stop because adverse effects. I needed to go Illness leave when I was 19. I didnt kill myself because of my siblings but didnt want to live. I was hospitalized more than half of year between ages 19-25. I tried medicines for my physical and mental illnesses until we finally managed to get all components under control last fall. I was 27 then. I fought financial aid for my first real theraphy when I was 24. And it all finally worked for my Depression this summer. Im still going to theraphy to fix these other disorders I got but I have never felt like this. So sometimes there is hope.', 'I know that feeling. Not with gender but with getting better mentally. But like I said, try to be kind to yourself. When your Illness is telling you bad things about yourself, tell it that you are doing all you can. Jelousy is normal but try to remember that you dont know if they are better off. We always see everyones positive things easier, and no one knows what people are actually going trough. I know that all of these things are hard. Really hard, but they might help.', 'Try to get help trough NHS. Go to see your GP and she can refer you to specialist. ', 'Try to find some way to psychiatric help if you dont already have it. More often than not this desease is stronger than any one person and to get better person needs almost always someone who can see things from outside as often in mental diseases you cant see objectively.', 'Acetaminophen is severely liver toxic. Quite low doses will affect your liver. I dont think with what you took you will have to be Worried though Also try getting help before you give up. Sometimes it helps and when it does its worth it. Also there might be some underlying issues under that depression. But the most important thing is that you are entitled to feel any way you do. But Im sad that you feel like this. No one should Pain so badly that they want to give up.', 'For me it took 19 years of help to get to point where I dont feel so bad. So sometimes there is hope. Below you say that you love cats. Its good you can find things you enjoy. Also musical theatre sounds like good way to get your feelings out. When things get too much just concentrate on them. ', 'Im not a person to try to keep people alive if they dont want to. Its your life and yours to do anything with. But I still wanted to tell you that there is hope sometimes. I was just like you (I could have wrote what you did then) when I was 20, Im now 28 and Depression free for first time.', 'No one knows, they can help but no one can fix you. But by asking help to that task you can get better. Its not easy but can be worth it.', 'I got a good doctor when I was in hospital for the first time and he talked me to try again. I tried 10 different kind of doses and medicines and last fall it finally clicked. I need 5 different kind of meds at the same time to be able to work on myself in therapy, or function. But biggest thing for me was that5 years ago I got possibility to start therapy and I found a person with whom I can work. In therapy its really important to find right therapist. It seems to be more about personal chemistry than which dicipline the therapist uses. And then I went, talked about the hardest things and let her in. More I told about my thoughts more easier it came for her to understand where my biggest problems lay. Little by little I got better. For 4 years I hardly saw change in me. I was frustrated and jealous. I felt that I was failing in my attempts to get better. But this year things started to click, I saw myself more clearly and that made my work easier. I still go once a Asthenia for 2 hours. I have bunch of disorders apart from my Depression but I can manage them easier. But no Depression.', 'Many of your thoughts are similar to mine few years ago. And I feel so sad that you too are going trough this. No one should feel this way. World however seems to put so much on some people. And I think its unfair. Still I have no real ideas what to do to help you. Im here listening though. If that helps any.', 'I dont mind. Im 28, but that was my life for over 19 years.', 'I spent 2 months in another country and it got me to last few steps to point where Im okay Depression vise. Also I wanted to say that you might not be as alone as you feel. Your feelings are not wrong in any way but this beast of a Depression sometimes makes us feel like we are more alone and worthless than we objectively are. It doesnt make it feel better but I think its still good to know.', 'I thought to add that Im still sad that I had to go trough my life, sometimes bit angry to fate, and often feel bad that I have nothing to show of my life. But Im no longer bitter and no longer think that I was/am bad and deserved this. Few months ago I still did.', 'No, you are human, with human feelings. ', 'I dont mind at all, its just funny for me as Im Tired feminine female. ', 'Im there right now actually, for the first time in my memory, or life really. I have all the problems with my mental health that were feeding my Depression but I can fix them now that I have energy and Im not so raw that even smallest poke can but me into tailspin. And just to point out, Im no dude. I dont mind being called as one but for me its bit funny.', 'Your problems arent smaller or bigger than anyones. They are your worst experiences and you are entitled to feel any way you do. However many people need help with feelings that arise from those experiences. Also professional therapist might help you to figure out what you want to do with your feelings towards your sex.I wouldnt think about those scars. Im 28 and mine are 12 years old and propably will be visible always. I feel self concious about them but I dont think they affect how people treat me. ', 'This is what I felt. Imagine small dark hole thats getting smaller and smaller. Walls are getting tighter and tighter. From smallest thing floor can suddenly vanish and your drop. You never know how big the drop is. Most of the time you feel like you cant breathe. And when you try to do something the walls wont let you. Moving feels like you are pushing heavy but not solid walls. You cant even see yourself anymore, you dont remember what you really look like. And you just want this Pain and failure to manage to get out to end. ', 'But it took time. I have had severe Depression for 20 to 25 years and Im 28. And I needed so much help to get this point. Hospitals, doctors, meds and finally therapy and friends. ', 'That sounds like a good plan. Sometimes ice cream and old TV series works wonders.And if you need someone to listen Im here. My replies might come with some delay as Im in different time zone (GMT+2) which is +7 hours to East Coast.', 'Im so sorry you are going trough this. Firstly, even though you might know this, its not your fault. And you did everything you could do at the time. Secondly, do you have anyone that might help you IRL? Sometimes even people you think wont help might be able to do something.', 'Im sorry to hear that. American health care sucks sometimes. Is there any support groups in area? There is propably people who know what you are going trough and help deciding what and how you could take steps froward. And Im glad to listen, I have been in situations where I cant figure how to get to better on my own.', 'Im glad you are here too. And Im glad I am too. I will stay strong because I know now that the fight has been worth it. I hope you will too.', 'Its not easy for me. I got my first real friends when I was 20 and I still dont know what Im doing. If I were you (which I obviously arent) I would try to find some hobby group for something you are passionate. Maybe having mutual interest might help in process.

Behavior

Hey, Im sorry to hear you feel like that.Im not going to tell you that you shouldnt because people love you, or that theres a reason to anything at all.You dont choose to be born, sure. But you, along with anyone else on this earth, have the ability to do anything they want. It may not be easy, it may not be fun, but I could pack up my car, take out my cash and leave tomorrow. Nobody can tell me otherwise, and thats the beauty of it. Save prison, theres basically nowhere (physical or otherwise) you cant escape from.Im not saying go on a road trip, but you will find a journey that you feel is worth making. ', 'It sounds like you are dealing with a crippling disorder. Seeking help is the right thing to do, it is unfortunate that your medical contacts have so far been unable to help you.I will suggest that you speak to your therapist about your Suicidal thoughts and feelings of being followed, and request a different one if you feel they have given up on you. You have not given up completely, otherwise you would not have posted here.', 'Sorry to hear that. I hope you can find something in the materials I mentioned that might entertain you.Want a movie suggestion?', 'Sorry to hear about that. A broken relationship can really be one of the worst experiences. It sounds like you really love her.Its important to remember that you deserve that same love from yourself. As strongly as you feel, she doesnt determine your self worth. Only you can.A relationship can destroy you, but you dont have to let it. Every one of them ends eventually, and you come out stronger and more experienced for it. That will benefit you when you eventually heal the wounds and find another person who you love dearly.', 'Sorry to hear about that. I still think that going outside (away from other people) could be really helpful.', 'Well, for one, youve got a computer. Theres hundreds of thousands of articles to read, [free books](http://www.gutenberg.us/), [music](http://www.royaltyfreemusic.com/public-domain/), [movies](http://www.publicdomainflicks.com/).And thats all *without* illegal downloading. Youre also free to do that if you wish, but I cant encourage it.On top of that, Im assuming you have the freedom to leave your room if you wish. In that case, you can go for a walk, watch people in a public area, go to a library, find a good place to watch the sunset from, etc.I know its hard, believe me. You ask why any of that would be the least bit fulfilling. I only ask that you try it.', 'Im saying that it can help to make active decisions. When Depression I feel like Im doing things because I have to, not because I chose to. If you make active decisions, it can help you realize that there are things youd rather be doing.', 'Before you get concerned with apologizing, you should work on forgiving yourself. Loving who you are should come before pleasing other people.', 'Thats alright. Youve still got the most massive collection of human history, knowledge, and news sitting right in front of you. Its actually daunting to try and find something to do on it.Theres all the stuff I mentioned before, but theres also forums for any hobby or interest you can think of, collections of art, interactive things, etc.Outside of that, you probably have pen and paper. Writing/drawing can be incredibly helpful.', 'I disagree. You are choosing to talk to me.', 'It sounds like you have an incredibly negative work environment. Its incredibly difficult to chose between a well-paying shit job and the possibility of no money.Your life is not worth your job. I highly suggest looking for other means of income, or getting training for a job where you will not be forced to have negative interactions with people all day long.Speaking to a therapist or a trusted person (parent?) helps immensely.', 'If youd like to, Id be happy to read them.', 'Angry is appropriate. Shit doesnt make sense, I understand that.Its not apathy, though. Anger means you want something, not nothing.I encourage you to make decisions. Often, I feel like I cant do anything, like I dont have a choice. But you do. Make the decision to walk somewhere and back, to read a book, to watch a movie. It helps, I promise.', 'Its good that you want to mend whatever issues you have with your brother. You have hope for your situation. Now youre reaching out, which is also good.Would you feel comfortable going into detail about your problems?', 'Thats true, but you also cant guarantee it would be worse. Your life is not predetermined to be shit; just because you drew a shit hand six times in a row doesnt make it more likely the next round.', '>I have never really been good at sports or had a girlfriend, and Im usually the subject of a jokeFirst off, you gotta let that shit go. It sucks, I know, but girlfriends, sports, friends, whatever; they dont determine who you are or what you do. Thats completely up to you. Youre a really cool person in your own way, Im sure.As for the feeling of meaninglessness, thats a sign of clinical depression. Speaking to a therapist or counselor will make sure that you get the help you want.', 'Glad to hear that youre looking for a solution. Thats a first step.As for involvement with the law, I cant help much. All I can say is that using your time incarcerated as productively as possible is all you can do. Also, listen to your lawyer and dont talk.After that, packing up and moving somewhere can be great for the troubled mind. Just make sure you have a plan when you get there. Often you can crash on couches found on craigslist for a few days while you figure out a job. After that, its up to you.', 'Your parents, unfortunately, have serious issues of their own. That doesnt make you a bad child, or a bad person, nor does it mean that suicide is an easy way out. Suicide is immense pain, then nothing.Life can go on. You can talk to someone; a school counselor, an adult you trust, like a nice teacher. Your parents suggesting you kill yourself is definitely grounds for some form of counseling.As someone who knows many wonderful people who are the product of awful parents, dont lose hope.', 'DOTA is an interest, is it not?Out of curiosity, why cant you leave?', 'There is nothing that cannot be forgiven. You have to forgive yourself, first and foremost, because she might not. Thats ultimately her problem, and not a reason to end your life.If you give it some time, she may come around. I suggest trying to talk and apologize in person. Its Tired difficult to reject someone right to their face as opposed to over text.', 'Hey man, sorry to hear about your situation. Getting caught up with the law, especially for something so small, fucking sucks. However, it doesnt mean youre a bad person, or even that you do bad things. When it comes to possession, its usually just a wrong time/wrong place kinda thing.It sounds like you really need to talk to someone about this. I know thats hard, but you could try talking to a pastor or counselor in your area. If they can help, great, if they cant then theres no harm done. You probably wont ever have to see them again if you dont want to.', 'Your chance of finding something you enjoy is honestly just as good as anyone elses. Its also advisable to seek psychiatric help, as your brain chemistry might make you inclined to believe that things will never get better.Also, youre talking to me. I hate to be that asshole, but it means you still give a shit. Its good, and I dont mind talking. Just take that into consideration.', 'Depression doesnt distinguish by tax bracket. Have you sought help in the form of counseling?

Ideation

Hey man, You cant be convinced and I cannot change your mind. Okay. I am going to tell you not to do this for a completely different reason than you would think. I mean, consider it. If you die it is nothing to me, right? You are just words on a screen (not really - but I hope you understand how I mean this). Really I have no vested interest in your survival. However, I am interested in saving you from Pain. I dont like Pain. Never been much of a fan. Theres too much Pain in the world already to inflict it on ourselves physically. Effexor is NOT the drug you want to OD on. Trust me. I am no doctor or scientist but I have read the literature on how it works and have had some firsthand experience. The first thing you need to understand when making this decision is that you *may* end up in a hospital. You *may* end up in a great deal of Pain while you lie helpless in a hospital bed waiting to die, but you *may* not even know what is happening other than an experience of complete terror and regret. The second thing, is even if somebody catches you in time and you survive you may have lasting damage. Meaning you will *still* feel this way but even worse because of the damage youve inflicted on your body. That is not even considering the embarrassment and other Emotional upset shit you will have to face from the reactions of those close to you / treating you. It wouldnt be intentional, but people are people and someone nearly dying is pretty scary. If you havent thought this far ahead about it or considered what would happen if you failed you are not ready to make a decision like this. That is it. Oh, also it will likely be an extremely uncomfortable thing even if you "succeed." Just give it a bit more thought dude, this isnt the way you want to go out or the decision you want to look back on and hate yourself even more for. ', 'Hey guys. I just want to thank you all for the support. I will probably message a couple of you who offered. If I dont message you then know that I am grateful for the thought and the reply. Thank you. ', 'I agree. Were this service available I would take advantage of it immediately. I am a mostly logical person with a sound state of mind. It is incredibly frustrating that I am going to have to kill myself in a potentially Pain way if I do not want to do something illegal in the meantime to obtain the proper substances (fuck getting caught and ending up in jail though, stuff of nightmares). Ive been dealing with it for long enough and it has not changed, why dont I have the option to check out easily? I would be willing to take tests or do whatever in order to prove my "sanity" / rational state of mind. ', 'Hey brother. Youre not a sad little bitch. Youre an alcoholic. Which means these mood swings are normal. It comes with the territory. A former-engineering student that plays guitar. Hmm. I bet you would be pretty cool to hang out with / interesting to talk to. Just thinking out loud. I understand what youre going through, and while I obviously dont know your circumstances I get the feelings though. I am not exactly qualified to give advice and no songs are popping into my mind at the moment. But I want to let you know that you are (most likely) a worthwhile person. Just extrapolating from what youve said and how you write. Its in my best interest to keep people like you around on this rock, eh? Sorry to hear about the family friend, and good luck dude. Focus on the guitar. Getting into the *flow* is just as good as any drug. ', 'I doubt it. Explain? Or dont. Heres something though, food for thought. Nearly everybody you come into contact with is going to be more forgiving and kinder to you than you are to yourself. If youre at this point doing this to you, man youre about the shittiest person in the world to you. Also, you wouldnt be doing the world any favours. The world doesnt care. Youd only be doing yourself a favour. This is not meant in either a positive or negative way, I just want to point it out. ', 'Fuck outta here. ', 'Yet surviving is a way to prove them wrong and laugh in their face. Because you are doing well while they are still miserable people. It can work both ways I think. Most who have harmed you wont think that they have and would not think about your death for much longer than it took for them to hear about it (if they ever did). ', 'Hey man, My sister is married to a vet that does the exact same thing. Yeah, it surely freaked her out at first. But from what I understand he warned her it might happen. They have been living happily together for 4 years now. I mean, I dont really have any advice other than just be upfront about it with potential partners. But it certainly is possible to have "quirks" like this and still be loved and respected as a "normal" person. My brother-in-law is living proof. Good luck with this one, but if she doesnt work out... there are plenty more that might. Youre not broken my friend. ', 'Yes, that is pretty close. It is spot-on that the "Suicidal" aspect is just a side effect, and not overly concerning. As in, I am not overly concerned whether I live or die and death often seems the much superior option. I am not saying that I couldnt or wouldnt commit suicide. Because I would. At the drop of a hat if it were guaranteed and easy. Thus far it has not been worth the risk. However, were life to change suddenly and become much more difficult... The risk may be worth it. I am in a relatively stable environment and secure in food/shelter. Yet I feel like this now. Were those circumstances to change, I just dont know man. Really, I am mainly alive through apathy. I could live, I could die, but there is risk in trying death and my basic needs are currently met. So yes, I am certainly Suicidal but it is only a symptom of a larger thing.

Attempt

Well, at least you dont seem Suicidal except for that "catastrophic" dead end at the end of your post about gassing yourself. Id say do something daring. It seems like youre the kind of guy who has nothing to loose at this point but are unwilling to (due to laziness?) I think you might want to take a break from your GF due to financial reasons since both of you are at your limits. Dont let the world get to you though. There are plenty of places to work at as the poster above said, as a truck driver. I wish I could offer you more advice; but, try and look at your present situation in some positive light as hard as that sounds (since youre posting here). I mean you *literally* have nothing to loose (other than your own life if you decide its pointless, which it is not). Hope the best to you brotha, and keep on fighting. ', 'Hey there,I dont think you are in immediate danger and are simply Worried about having passive death wishes. I would not call it suicide ideation, at least not from what Ive gathered from your post. You do seem to indicate that you have battled with moderate Depression since a while ago. You give the impression that you are still ambitious and have goals in life to accomplish. Dont take my word for it; but, I think youve had a hard year and sorta hate your job. There are plenty of other jobs out there and you can always go back to college in the future. It will take time; but, given the amount of strength and resilience you have shown, I think you can pull it off. I wish I could be of more assistance. Have you considered talking with a professional? All medications arent evil and if youve been having these feeling of Feeling hopeless for a while, a professional could help. EDIT: After re-reading your post I think you are a little too hard on yourself. You dont sounds like a whiny brat at all. I dont know who told you that; but, thats not the impression I get from you.Best regards.', 'Are you in immediate danger, whats bothering you? It might be that theyre really swamped with phone calls. Some people need the help while others dont need it that much. Youre not alone. Do you have friends or family you can call? ', 'Whats bothering you? You didnt indicate it in this thread. Have you been planning or thinking about suicide? Just take things one step at a time. Dont over-stress yourself with trifle matters. It still Sunday and you can always call your friends or family for any advice and help you may need.', 'I wish you posted more on what lead you all the way to the tracks to kill yourself. Im also not that happy with life; but, never actively sought out a way out. Please let me know, whats bothering you? How did things get the way they are? Hope to lend an ear on this lonely Valentines day.Best regards.', 'The good point is youre still here and made it this far. I dont want this to be a "feel good" post since Im not good at those and this is my first time trying to give advice. In the end its your choice if you want to live or not and given that youve tried in the past and havent succeeded means that there is still some part of you that wants to pull through. You mentioned that you have best friends. Thats great, better than myself. Im also Depression and sometimes think life is some hellish thing to just get by with. Personally, Ive found the book, "Feeling Good: The New Mood Therapy" to be the best thing Ive found with helping me deal with pessimistic thoughts and feelings of Feeling hopeless. It really made a positive impact on my life so far and I try and read it even when Im apathetic and unmotivated. Some people are just lucky, while we have to struggle. Such is life. Hope to hear from you soon.

Ideation

You do that. And hey, even if you dont... like I said before, this kind of things dont ask for your permission anyway, so... it will happen anyway.', 'You are young. Things do get better, you have your whole life ahead of you. You have plenty of time to find a partner. As for making friends, theres no technique. Just be yourself, open up: a lot of people will appreciate that: online or offline. Having said that, feel free to PM anytime.', 'Well, it happened once, it can happen again. Dont close yourself to new opportunities. Sometimes 30 minutes is all it takes...', 'You cant show them, theres nothing to show. You can tell them and explain why you see the need to do it, to move out. Explain them this shouldnt affect your friendship. As friends, they should understand your needs, and put them ahead of that need to live all together and party everynight. If they cant see it, its their loss.', 'I know it can be frustrating, and it may take a long time. But, believe me, you need to keep trying, even with no experience youll find something. At least something temporary until you find something better for you.Like I said, you should talk to her. She may be scared of talking about it, she may not know how to approach you about it. You should do it instead, and see what she has to say. ', 'It does sound like a terribly Pain situation to be in. I really cant tell you if that would be the right thing to do or not. It is risky to tell her how you feel right now; yes, it would let her know you are there for her, in case things change; but it could harm your friendship with her and her boyfriend. You know her, you should analize every little possibility before doing it: is she going to feel awkward and maybe stay away?, is she going to tell her boyfriend?, if she does, will he get mad or just stay away from you?. Its up to you to decide, if you are willing to take that risk because not saying anything hurts more, then go for it. Whatever choice you make, make sure its in your best interest... whatever will be better for you in the long run, what will be easier for you to cope with.', 'I bet its terribly hard to even think about it. And its also hard to put ourselves before other people too. Specially if you invested almost 5 years of your life in the relationship. But you need to be thinking of whats best for you. If you have more time and less worries on your head youll be able to focus on getting a job, and a place to stay. Just, take care of yourself. This will also be important for you to have a better relationship. If not with her, then with someone else; but the key is to feel good about yourself and who you are before anything else.', 'You probably wont care for a while. It happens to all of us. But this kind of things dont ask for your permission, they just happen. You are young, youll find someone else, and if not, someone else will find you. Relationships are crazy like that, when one ends we lose faith in them, but then another one starts. Youll be ok, and if you get your life in order, and feel good about who you are, youll find someone that fits perfectly into your new life... it takes time, but it just... suddenly happens.', 'Do you have any idea of what made you feel Depression in the 1st place?', 'Well, thats what Id need to know to tell you what Id do! haha, but here are 2 options: If we had a really good relationship, and I really cared about him, I would keep it to myself. But of course I would explain what the situation is, not to give any false hopes. My hopes would be to preserve that friendship intact (Im assuming the relationship with her boyfriend is pretty solid tho, I dont know if it actually is). The other option, (and again, this would depend on the kind of relationship you 2 have), would be to push him away a lil bit. Not out of majot bitchiness, but avoid hurting him or having him in situations where he might fell bad. Now, both of these can have different results... I guess it depends on whether they are one of those couple that share eeeeverything with each other or not.', 'It does look like you have to get out of that enviroment. What are your plans for next year when you turn 18?', 'Same for you! Good luck!', 'Well I wouldnt expect you to want to right now. You still need to figure out what to do with your current relationship. All Im saying is, once you make a decision: keep an open mind. Thats the wonderful thing of love at 1st sight, it just... happens. Love is also something to look forward too, just stay positive and look at all the things that are yet to come.', 'Well, as a girl I dont really know where you can meet girls. But I can tell you I did meet my boyfriend online (and not in a dating site either, just... social network, just got a message from a random stranger and we started talking about random things). I find it to be a good way of meeting people: it can go one of 2 ways: you can find people that lie; or people that will be absolutely honest because they have nothing to prove to you.I know being alone can be tough, and in your case, having someone so close to you that you want, but seems so unreachable at the same time. I dont think you can go out looking for love, but, just put yourself out there, and it eventually finds you. Sometimes it takes a while, of course, but when it comes it will be worth it.I know I probably didnt help much, just wanted to tell you not to give up, love just has a way of appearing when you least expect it.', 'For what I read your friends seem to be acting kinda childish. It shouldnt be that big of a deal, nor should affect your friendship in such a way. Id tell you to count your blessings more than your losses... You have a great girl, and the opportunity to find a better place that suits your needs. If they arent willing to accept that moving out is not some kinda of betrayal, then it doesnt seem to be a real friendship, you know, at least from their point of view. I understand your feelings towards them might be sincere, but friendships cant be one-sided. Try to work things out, but all in all, its up to them to see that they are making a huge drama-fest out of something thats not that bad.', 'In my opinion, the first need thing you should try, is to not feel ashamed. You did nothing wrong, what you did, you did out of love. You are not the one who should be ashamed. Its the person who you trusted that should be. We all have failed relationships, and the feelings that you have: feeling used, worthless; are pretty much on the normal side. But you need to talk about it to overcome those feelings. With anyone. You should try your parents, after all, you already came out to them; and what happened to you, happens to a lot of people, and it hurts the same way to everyone of them. Being conservative shouldnt prevent them from understanding what you are going through. If you still dont feel confortable with them, you always have a bunch of strangers right here that are willing to listen to you.', 'You are welcome. I know it sucks, but you REALLY didnt do ANYTHING, that would make them act like that; be sure you are not the problem here, they are. Hopefully theyll understand that at some point.', 'Id say you give her the chance to tell you how she feels. Then again, for what Ive read, your relationship may not be at its best right now. Just see what she has to say, Im sure youll be able to figure out what to do after that. If you dont think shell be part of the solution, she is probably part of the problem. And I know its hard to hear, but if shes not gonna help you out, you need to move on and focus on yourself.', 'Same here, you can PM if you want.', 'You can PM me if you like.', 'Well Im a lil older than you, and we cant exactly hang out. But you can PM me if you wanna talk.', 'Well, you have been capable of establishing a meaningful relationship before, so be sure you can do it again. Also, Im assuming you just finished high school or are about to, youll meet lots of new people from here on. Dont be scared to open up to new people: you did it already, you can do it again!', 'Feeling like you owe people for things in your life shouldnt make you feel trapped, but grateful. Remember when people do things for you, its because they care, not because they expect something in return. If your family didnt want you around, they wouldnt notice the absence so much; if they do, theyd probably like to have you around. Id recommend you to drop them a line, let them know how you are feeling; if they know, theyll be able to show their support.Dont think you are not good enough, you dont have to live by anyone standards but yours. Make clear whats important to you, and stay true to that. ', 'You are young. Its hard to go out and finally get out lives started. Be patient, and stay focused. Im trying to get a job too, and its difficult (different country tho), but you just need to keep trying, perseverance will bring results eventually. Probably once that happens, you will start feeling better about yourself, and that will definitely help to make relationships with the people around you better. Talk to your girlfriend, you feeling like this is probably affecting her and the way she acts around you too. I dont know how I would act if I found my boyfriend with a gun in his hand either. Tell her how you feel, and ask her to help you stay motivated to do all the things you wanna do. Im sure you can make it.

Supportive

You need a sponsor. Like recovering drug addicts- but someone who is also struggling with mental illness. Being alone is the difference between life and death. No one should have to be alone... maybe find another person on suicidewatchAnd, obviously, dont do it!! I dont know you, so I cant tell you how awesome you are. All I know is that you have kids- if you cant live for you, live for them. If you kill yourself, those screams theyve heard will haunt them forever. They need you, and care about you. If you have no other reason to live, let it be them ', 'Make your own puzzle', 'Hes right. Part of Depression is the overwhelming loneliness- we think that no one could possibly have felt this bad. That no one exists that is like us. It is all a mental block- you have to change your brain chemistry. For me, and my Fear (not going to specify), I told myself "Some day Ill be okay with it." I knew it didnt have to be right away, and it took some of the Pressure away. Plus, knowing that Id feel better some day made the current day more bearable', 'Youre welcome to talk to me. I dont have a degree, but I know a bit on the subject. And Ive been to therapy- what helped was talking about myself, I never stayed in long enough for analysis. Plus Im free :)

Indicator

I dont know what youre going through but I live my life 24 hours at a time. Some days those 24 hours feel like 48. Youre going to Pain people in your life. Its how it goes. Ive put a lot of people through a lot of grief in my life. ', 'That shows youre a caring person. Ive Pain someone real bad before and lived with it for a long time. Then I found this person has long forgiven (and forgotten) me and I was beating myself up for nothing. I wasted all that time that I couldnt get back. Its not an easy lesson Ill admit, but I wish I had done things differently. ', 'Youre welcome. Any time. ', 'I treat each positive day as motivation to keep going. Proms are over rated anyways :)', 'Im sorry about your brother. That is a terrible thing to go through. You cared enough to leave this message for your family. Imagine how they will feel losing another child. I dont know your situation but you have options. 6 months is really not a long time to grieve the loss of your brother. And you will always have ups and downs because of it. Please go to your local emerg. They can help you. I nearly gave up once myself. I felt hopeless and desperate. But its gotten better. With meds and counselling Im doing better today and I never thought I would get there. Please dont do this. ', 'Thats a horrible thing to say, especially from a family member. Please dont give up. Ive come close before and Im so glad I didnt go through with the plan. This world is huge, youll find what you need. I promise. Just dont give up. ', 'I have these same thoughts. I used think my next up period would be the one that lasted forever. After a few of these failures I gave up hoping. What keeps me going is my family. They push me on when I want to give up. Keep your head up. 24 hours at a time. ', 'Can I ask why you want to do this?', 'Please dont give up. People care about you. Even if you dont realize it. ', 'Im not going to lie, it can hard to be with someone dealing with depression. I have a new level of respect for my SO for being able to handle it. ', 'I get it. Shits tough right now. Im assuming you have a family, parents, aunts or uncles, siblings -- you would also be effectively ending their lives as well. Im telling you that you can change your situation if youre willing to try. Will it be easy? No. Will you want to give up at times, yes. But the biggest reward you can find is giving your self the chance to succeed. Youre so young man. I was 15 and shit, I had a horrible experience. If I could tell you all the shitty things that I have gone through you wouldnt believe me. You have your whole life ahead of you. It would be such a waste to throw in the towel now. If I had given up back then I would never have gotten the chance to fall in love, have a family, and find some framework of happiness. Trust me I felt like you do once before and I know it sucks, but honestly man, it gets better. If you give yourself the chance, youll prove it to yourself. Hang in there alright. One day at a time. ', 'Getting out on your own can be scary enough, let alone having to support your brother. Is your brother a minor? Maybe you can get some sort of financial support for the both of you. Dont give up all hope. Youre young and have your whole life ahead of you. When I left home at 19 it was rough for me too. Never had any money, felt hopeless for a while. But I found a job that paid the bills and gradually my life started improving. Please dont give up. Your life has value even if you cant see that right now. Here to talk if you need me. ', 'I dont know if this helps, but I found this site online where you can chat with someone. Might be worth a shot. https://www.imalive.orgAt the Tired least send me a message and Ill talk with you. ', 'Im so sorry. Grief can send your emotions every which way. And I cant begin to imagine how you feel right now. I think you should reach out to your family and friends. If anything, just to hold you. Youre here now so try to hold on longer. Here to talk if you need me. ', 'I know this sounds cliche, but I dated a girl when I was 19 and fell head over heals in love with her. She was my first "real" relationship. We had all these plans. Marriage, babies, etc. And then one day it all fell apart...bad. I was a complete wreck. I didnt eat or sleep for days. I was so devastated I couldnt see a way out. But --- it got better. I dont remember how or why, but it just got easier each day. Flash forward 17 years later, Im happily married and look back on that relationship with the sense of "ah, to be young again".Hang in there man. ', 'As a person who suffers from depression, yes this happens, but is not normal imo. I do this to my SO all the time. I dont know why, but the person closest to me tends to take the brunt of my down days. I recognize what I am doing and have made attempts to change that behaviour. Its quite possible she recognizes this behaviour too, but is afraid to address it. I always felt (still feel) guilt for doing that to my soulmate and best friend. Best of luck ', 'I have been where you are before. I couldnt function, couldnt think, couldnt do anything. All I wanted was to be free from this. I was going to kill myself but something held me back. I was able to get help from meds and doctors and slowly I am getting better. If you havent already, please try seeking help. It took a lot of denial from me before I realized I needed help. But Im thankful I did. Im starting to see light at the end of my tunnel. I still have bad days - you always will - but Ive learned ways to help me cope and get through the rough times. Your life has value and it may be hard for you to see that now, but you will if you dont give up. Here to talk if you want.

Behavior

Pothead', 'Grab the gun on my drawer and just aim it at my head and squeeze until the beds completely red Im glad Im dead a worthless Buddha head

Behavior

Hi.I do not want to scare anyone away from here. You are heroes. Some of us just arent looking for help. Maybe I shouldnt have posted here. ', 'Hi.Im sorry to scare you. There are lots of people on here looking for help. I did not intend to scare you away. Maybe posting here wasnt a good idea.I had some trouble buying a gun today. I thought I had all of the paperwork in order, but apparently they needed some other things I didnt have on me.

Behavior

Do you care about your boyfriend? He obviously cares about you, his way of showing it might not be the best, but he obviously doesnt want you to be sad. A friend of mine just committed suicide on Valentines day. He Was my cousins (basically my brother) best friend. My family, his family and all his friends are going through so much Pain that they dont deserve. Now, every Valentines day, all his poor mother will be able to think about is that being the day her son took his own life. Think about the people you will leave behind. Then decide if its worth it. I just posted, its named HELP. PLEASE read it. Get better love :)

Indicator

Have you considered a Certificate/Foundation course at a University? I know Auckland, AUT, Victoria Uni in Wellington, Waikato University and Canterbury all do them. They provide a pathway into a specific degree. After I was rejected at AUT, I did one for six months then was allowed into the Computer and Information Science degree. If youre set on Uni, this might help you find your way and six months on top of a 3 year degree isnt a huge ask! If you need any more help looking into this, or just want to chat to another Kiwi, feel free to PM me. As the government will either give or lend you money while you study, this could be an excellent opportunity to get away from your family. Some space to become your own person not in relation to them may help. Also, youre not a screw up. Most people dont know what they want to do with their lives at 17/18 and dont have it figured out. From my experience, 80% of people I went to high school with have changed hugely since leaving school. There is no guarantee your life will be the way your parents have made you think it is. You have a chance to make a life you like, and youve taken the first steps by identifying your problems and asking for help. Uni isnt the only way to go, either. If youd rather work, consider applying for internships/jobs which will give you some training. I know New Zealand Couriers do a great one. Working straight out of school doesnt mean you wont go to Uni eventually either - earning some money first and getting out of a difficult environment is a pretty smart bet. ', 'I havent read your original post but Im Tired glad you didnt kill yourself, it gives me hope that I can make it too x

Ideation

Thats just it, its not the heroin Im good at, its living the shitty street life of a junkie that I am good at. Im having such a miserable time trying to adjust to real, sedentary life. I feel like a constant outsider, and it kills me.I liked the symbol of strength that keeping it gave me for this last year or so, but now that I realized how easy it would be to fill it up with cleaning products its haunting me. I didnt think about the recognition like that at all though. I think it just gave me the push I need to stick around at least for another day. Thank you. ', 'I really appreciate it. Most of the people I considered friends I need to avoid like the plague due to the habit. Thanks.', 'Heroin seems like the only option in my mind right now. Its something I KNOW Im good at, and its the only thing in years thats made me feel anything but depressed. And it finally dawned on me that I dont have the guts to do anything with a knife or a gun, but I could just as easily poison myself to death with a needle. I actually never should have kept a single rig as a reminder, I dont know what I was thinking.', 'Funny Amanda Todd has come up with my throwaway and my regular account in a few days. Oh, and FUCK YOU.

Behavior

Well I thank god for that battery and I am happy to be talking to you.Can you tell me what first made you get into photography, what was your first photo that you thought was good?', 'From my experience, when people tell you you are a genius they mean it, because it makes them feel stupid when they do.From what you say it sounds like you really like to innovate, create new and useful things. I can totally get how it feels like a renaissance, there is so much potential in all the knowledge we have. It seems like so much could be achieved by just combining the two right fields.', 'No problem. Are you doing better today? did anything interesting or important happen today?', 'I cant imagine how much it sucks to have no bearing, and to have oversight of the huge dissagreance in america. To a foreigner like me it really does seem like a place of extremes. What rift is between your father and best friend?', 'What subjects did you take and which do you enjoy? Lazyness and lack of motivation can really suck, especially when they are screwing up something you want. What do you think made you spoiled, does it have to do with your dad?Strong religious ideologys can really suck when you disagree with them. ', 'what kind of prototype development?', 'What decision pulled you towards cambridge then as a boardingschool. And why do you not plan on staying in helsinki? Is it to do with your girlfriend?', 'You beg to differ on what? I most certainly am happy to be talking to you.I remember my first photo I actually liked. An odd realization indeed, to see myself do something I admired others for doing. What kind of photo was it? do you still like it when looking back? I am looking at mine now, and find it a bit dull.', 'Was that the first time you really thought about suicide? Last night I mean', 'Not knowing your situation well enough, I cant say that your life will without any doubt get better. That said, it most certainly CAN get better and if I were a betting man, id bet that it will. But lets get to know you better, why do you feel like you have no clue what to do? And how do you feel like you are a burden on your family, do you think they would agree?', 'that sounds reasonable, some things do indeed need taking care of.', 'I also just wanted to say I think its really brave of you to come out here and share all this. It must be Tired hard to let others in on these feelings.', 'It must suck to feel like that. Do you think you could help me unerstand why you feel like a failure?', 'Its great that your talking with her. How did she react to it? Also, what kind of mind altering stimulant? If you never told anyone else, did you find it dificult to come here and share your story?', 'I am more than happy to help.', 'Ah yeah, street photography. Its not where I started, but i do really like it. There is a spontinaity to it that i really like. If you dont live with him, where do you live, and in what circumstances? Sounds like your father is a real piece of work.', 'Awesome that you are going to see someone for help. Can I deduce from your name that you want to become a voice actor?', 'Have you talked to your girlfriend about your Suicidal intentions this time? I think she could really help you because she knows you.Have you ever told anyone else about your Suicidal tendencies, or tried to?', 'If you say you might be an idiot savant, do you also think you are autistic or something along those lines?', 'Ah, I see. Thanks for explaining. Strange how in english so many things are called college.Why did you find it difficult to stay in The Leys? Also, The Leys looks beatiful on google maps, and I actually think I remember CATS college.', 'It must really suck to have this happen. I wish I could understand how you feel but I probably cant. As a start though Id like to know more about your situation. I tried to apply to cambridge but failed to get in. What college where you in?', 'Wow, thats quite a story. I imagine it sucks losing all your friends. I cant imagine how scary the prospect of that happening again would be.If i read this correctly, you accidentally passed on a secret to someone who shouldnt know the secret and people found out. Am I right?You also say youve never considered it until today. Did you never consider it at all, or never this seriously?I really hope youll help me understand, and perhaps help.', 'Please dont take that step. I really really hope that you dont. I probably still dont get how much your life sucks, but I still feel that you should go on loving. People care about you, people who want to help. Please just stay and talk.', 'and how do you exactly believe money has perverted this (not because I disagree, just trying to understand better)', 'Yeah, i think many cases of autism are overgeneralisations or just a stamp to put on people. What do you mean when you say "fucked with"?It is really great when you can get that right alignment, right environment and just soar straight ahead. It just makes you feel like one of the best people on earth.Also the iron man series are awesome!', 'Yeah, money does give that feeling of being scored, evaluated. Often by people who dont really seem qualified.I have to go now, sleep and some really pressing chores. Thank you for giving me some insight into you. It has been a pleasure talking to you. I hope youll figure this out. Ill probably be back tommorow.', 'sounds like a lot of awesome stuff. I certainly agree such things are a reason to stay alive. Where did you learn to do them. And if you feel up to it, why do you feel this way?', 'sorry for taking so long to reply. It has been a few buisy days.Do you hold back with your therapist because you dont really know her enough yet? And I noticed you didnt mention talking to your mother. Is that to protect her?And what exactly caused your desperation this time? the news that you werent going to cambridge?', 'Yeah, money can really be a hassle and a huge burden when you dont have it. How would a kind of honor system work though? ', 'Leicas are the creme de la creme from what I hear and read. Would indeed be awesome to have one.Its said that your mother is egoistical and argumentative but it seems like she is at least there for you.I have to go now, dinner, sleep, work etc. Ill probably be back tomorrow, I liked talking with you :) I really hope youll be okay.', 'I think she cares for you.And you are most welcome. I would have loved to even just have helped a bit. It means a lot to me to mean a lot to someone else (what a sentence).Im wondering, how did you go from latvia to cambridge? And what does helsinki have to do with all this?', 'That sounds like a serene picture, was it?', 'That is fucking shitty to have your father be in Pain and not find help. Do you think that perhaps time will heal his wounds?There is certainly a lot of Pain in the world. Things can really suck. I feel for you. Seeing a father in trouble is really fucking shitty, there is just something about a father that means he shouldnt be in trouble. Fuck man, my dad has MS and there is really no proccesing it.', 'Do they hate you for knowing or telling?How long have you felt this way? Did it start today? How far have you considered your suicide? For example, do you have a method or a time in mind?', 'he probably isnt ignoring you because he doesnt care. Hes doing it because he is afraid to care. And he couldnt handle this Fear so he decided to pull away. He is a dick and hugley selfish by doing this but he DOES care. Hes just to afraid to acknowledge this. Because then he has to help you and that means facing his own demons. He rejected you, not because you deserve it, but because he was to much of a pussy to accept you.If someone doesnt love someone else that is more often enough because they are afraid to love. It doesnt mean the other person is to blame. Not in any way!The fact that you have opened your heart to someone, and are now opening yourself to the world via reddit. Is more than enough to me to say that YOU DO DESERVE TO BE LOVED. You clearly have a huge heart, and care a lot. That alone makes you a great person.Lastly I want to thank you for sharing. I am going through some stuff of my own, and you opening up has given me more courage.', 'It seems like you have a lot of people helping you, and your even making progress. So now I dont feel I really understand why you are Suicidal. Could you help me understand. Please dont get this as me saying its not that bad I wouldnt dare suggest your not really suffering. I simply want to understand why you are.', 'documental as in journalistic? Also do you share your photos with anyone? 9 film cameras is a lot, why so many? are they all Tired different?What happened for your father to be dissapointed in you, it seems really harsh what he did. Do you see him often, do you live with him (and his 4 model girlfriends?)', 'DT sounds Tired interesting. Economics and maths can be really boring and Psychology is great because you get to look into how people work. I myself dabble a bit in photography, what kind of photography do you prefer, and what kind of camera do you use? The other subjects you were meant to do seem to fit you a lot better. Buisness studies does stand out a bit though, why did you choose it?

Supportive

You know what you should do?Instead of thinking about killing yourself, just pack up your stuff, and leave. Leave everything behind. Dont let this be the end of your life, but the start of a new one. Dont "live on the street", find a hotel to stay at, hitchhike, rent a car, whatever. And your family probably doesnt think of you as a burden. Imagine a burden you would be if you killed yourself; Depression on everyone, further financial problems with funeral costs and such, etc.Also think of dying this way: you will be sent into oblivion forever. No, you wont know it, but you will not EXIST anymore. Not eating, breathing, running, anything. Make your existence meaningful and dont throw it away carelessly. I hope you can find your way out of this.', 'I can understand that. You would rather take your own life than die from drugs. Society is fucked up and I hate having to conform what "right" and "normal" to society. Sorry if I come off as annoying, I just know there are better and more options than just choosing death. You just have to find them. ', 'That last option (besides dying on the battlefield) actually sounds like a great idea. Just find away to leave (even fighting ISIS). Find something that doesnt require any sort of payment (since I am in a large amount of debt also, I know how you feel).Basically getting away from this awful sounding family of yours and finding your own purpose in life, instead of letting it slip away.I really wish you good luck.', 'But you did make it, once. Doesnt mean you should give it another try. Give life another chance, I believe in you. Despite all of these shortcomings, youve still managed to make it this far.

Supportive

Please believe what this person said. I cant stop Crying at the potential loss of someone like you on this planet. We really, really do need you. ', 'Please dont focus on them. Focus on all of us who love you from the moment we read your words. You ARE beautiful and worthy and lovable, and I can only hope that someday you fully realize this.', 'Please, please, please dont do this. For any number of reasons, please.First off, your death will be a far greater burden to your friends than any of your problems ever could be. You seem like a person who is incredibly concerned with the well-being of others, and this is the only reason I am starting here. Please understand how much the loss of you will affect their lives. Please understand that they will forever blame themselves, and wonder what they could have possibly done differently to change how you felt. Again, this is not to add to your misery, but to appeal to the incredible concern you seem to have for others. They care about you for a reason. I am not transgender, so I cannot personally relate to the turmoil that brings, but I did spend about 6 months in San Francisco working with a group that focuses on transgender economic empowerment. Have you ever considered moving there? Is that something that is even remotely feasible? You would be shocked by how accepted and respected you would be there; the citys attitude towards the transgender community was easily my favorite thing about the being there. Additionally, the group I worked with was geared towards helping transgender people find employment there. I obviously cannot guarantee anything (Im not in SF anymore), but I would love to put you in touch with them. Not only that, but there are organizations there to help you afford your hormones.Sweetheart (please dont take that condescendingly), you are little older than 23. Your life *should* be full of mistakes and fuck-ups. Even beyond that age, fucking up is part of life. For the people you love so much, please, please, please do not Pain yourself. They will never, ever get over it, and someone with your kind heart has so incredibly much to contribute to this world. Please feel free to PM me anytime. Best of luck.As an addendum, please try to get on other meds, ones specifically geared towards treating depression. I was thisclose to suicide for much of my life, until I found the right combination (for me, it is Wellbutrin and Lexapro). I still cry for the lost little girl I used to be, and for all I would have missed out on if I had never found my way out.

Ideation

I read the whole thing. Your story is fascinating, Im sorry your life is in such a bad place right now. It somewhat reminds me of my school days. For a long time I always had the old or secondhand clothes, and always wrinkled. I didnt really understand ironing clothes while in middle school and my mom somehow allowed me to walk out of the house to go to school every morning looking like a slob. One time I really wanted this hooded sweatshirt and I remember my friends mother worked at whatever clothing store it was at. My mother bought me the sweatshirt but later returned it because it was $40. I remember I had this one summer job at a library later on where they didnt pay you until 4 weeks into the job, and then only on a biweekly basis. By Asthenia three I didnt have enough money for lunch and my parents wouldnt give me any, and I tried bringing lunch but someone would always steal it out of a fridge when I was outside working. I ended up getting by by borrowing money and buying a plain bagel with nothing on it for lunch every day for about $1.15. Fortunately I was able to buy good clothes and make myself presentable by high school. You definitely had it worse than me though. How old are you? Maybe you should join the military or go get some dangerous job that no one else wants to do. Like just go up to Alaska if you can somehow get the money and work as a deckhand on a fishing boat or something. Make sure you go at the right time of the year. Go become a longhaul truck driver. I would tell you to work in the oil fields but I doubt theyre hiring now. Use the money from the fishing boat to go get your electrician or plumbers license or something like that. Go get a skill in a job that other people dont want to do. Become a garbage man for some town. Garbage men can get decent salary and good benefits if you stick with it long enough. Or go work in a sewage treatment plant. Some of that might be Union and will be hard to start out in. If you want to kill yourself anyway you wont be afraid on that fishing boat when the shit hits the fan and youre in 30 waves. Just stick with it man and find something no one else wants to do and youll make it probably, you said you were a smart guy.

Indicator

I was expecting you to follow up on that title. Ive found writing helps to get all my thoughts out so I can make more sense of them. I can write and think literally all day. Im analytical, everythings difficult to get down in my writing because each thought leads to something else, its like I want to paint the big picture but I can never do it all in so little words as people want me to. I always go off-topic. Dont take that as a bad thing when it happens to you, though.My strategy is to deal with things before I can feel bad about them. Should do it? Going to do it -> Will do it. -> Okay Im going to do it. It validates logically too, it gets me in the frame of mind for dealing with it because I create a response, rather than waiting to deal with it. Then again it varies with context. I just dont do phone calls period if I can avoid it.I stumbled into a homeless shelter about 3 years ago and Im still here, Depression and with my head down all the time, Tired Worried and generally debilitated. I wouldnt have occurred to me to write about my problem here or to phone any support line. Id shared a house and got increasingly worse Anxiety because Id dropped out of uni and then couldnt pay my rent share for most of the time. For about a year and a half I would respond with a yes or no to staff here. But I recovered, I made real progress eventually, even though I still isolate and spend all day online and dont want to have anything to do with real people apart from occasional interaction. I was in a constant fear/Anxiety of people, in particular a knock on a door or a bell/buzzer would set me off. Throughout school I hadnt sought mental health help, I was mostly silent, introverted, reflective.. ultimately it stems from my early family life, and feelings of abandonment, an Emotional upset shell.Anyway, some thoughts-1. Dont feel bad for not writing in the same structure as everyone else2. Consider your "loved ones" might be frustrated and not sure what else to do / not able3. Depression can be a symptom of underlying self-esteem, body image "problems"4. Have you tried blogging, to get your thoughts out? Or email drafts or something?5. Its okay to be a bad friend, its okay not to live up to expectations.Life isnt logical, but we can say of the world its far too complex to say we dont deserve a place here. From there we can work towards the specific problems we face and improve either our perception of the situation or how we respond to it, changing it. Ideally a counselor will spend the time to go through the specifics, but theres plenty of stories about bad counselors..', 'The good thing about life is you can always start over. I watched 21 grams the other night, it really changed my perspective on life because I have existential issues of my own. Link here: http://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PL4C86324FEFEC5B39You said you fucked up recently- to me that sounds like different areas of life went wrong for you at the same time. Maybe theyve been long coming, and it seems so much to deal with at once. Having support can completely turn that around; I dont manage my living situation directly but I help towards it. Forms and bills that would overwhelm me are dealt with easily. I have people to talk to because they are professional staff. And its possible to move on from there to full independence, one step at a time.You might consider all the things you can do, all the experiences you havent had yet. Write a bucket list?Can you share specifics?I really think you should carefully consider all the options you have.', 'Ive read your other posts so I know you mean well but I wish youd stop saying thinking is bad. If anything the chief cause of suicide is our poorly run, responsibility-denying money-worshipping society that fails to prepare us all for life period. For myself thinking is a way of analyzing what I am so that I can direct my life; its from confronting my internal behaviour and decisionmaking processes that I reason I can and should do something with my life at all. (or maybe even, I will only ever make decisions based on my long-term experience of wanting to have a function in society. I have to know this.)Thank you for yet another thoughtful and insightful post. Im appreciating them.', 'On another thread/topic here, there was the phrase "I dont know why I want to live"http://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/1h5n11/i_just_want_to_be_good_at_something/carbv3dTry thishttps://www.google.com/search?q=muscle+relaxation+Anxiety+youtubeI really dont know where to begin with your racing thoughts problem. Have you had a diagnosis? The fastest Ive had thoughts coming, it was useful for me, and I cant imagine anything faster than that. I think if you are having them extremely fast they cant be that useful. Ive had to use a camera to record myself talking about stuff as it comes to me, because Im particularly.. active at the moment. So many thoughts come to me every day, something like 100-200. Writing is the only way I can keep track, and building them into something constructive is helpful. (though the thoughts, about the nature of existence, trouble me and are nothing I can do much about)Possibly for you it has something to do with laying down a structure to your day; I know mine is unorganized and I feel burnt out a lot of the time as well as Depression sometimes. I am living in my head all day every day, thinking, weighing up and analyzing things, its not exhausting; it feels like the best way to live. I actually like not being able to tell what day it is. But the problem with that is it also invites Anxiety because I dont know where my life is going in the short-term. I always do this trailing-off-on-a-tangent thing. Maybe I should think more and write something coherent but I dont like to wait / waste time.I wouldnt ever say bad people dont deserve a place in the world. Rather people are the natural expression of the environment that surrounds/creates them.Im completely isolated from anyone at all. I might used to have said I lived and worked for the world; non-nationalism. But deconstructing all of my identity comes before saying such things. There are some things we can say about life however;- its all well ever have with which to do something of meaning, and our "creation" invites us to have some sort of function in the world. Whether or not its ultimately pointless or forgettable. Ultimately it can mean nothing in the bigger picture where were less than 1% of the universe; a grossly immature organization of creatures on a tiny planet harboring egos that seek to undermine our significance. But we are not logical creatures. People dont usually have these thoughts, and that is the rough consensus/standard for sanity.>I think its more that I dont want it.But there is in all possibility many future places where youd say you do want it. So the general therapists task is to get you to enjoy some small things in your life, get you enjoying it a little more. What kind of person doesnt want to enjoy life? And rationalizations towards the opposite of enjoying life will come from not enjoying it. I know I have thoughts that conflict at different *levels* of my existence, but even as a thinker it comes down to what I feel like doing in the end. Its most difficult to do things against what you feel. So feeling is key. And especially for Anxiety, a lack of positive associations with bodily or environmental sensations/stimuli is what drives our reactions to it rather than logic. So basically I will always have an aversion to people because I was rarely ever hugged as a child and b/c I isolated throughout my entire school life. But I spend my time on things I enjoy, youtube, learning/reading, gaming/programming, a digital life in general. The good outweighs the bad. And thats how people live.I liked thishttp://www.youtube.com/watch?v=amkrPkcg3XU', 'http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Hu5oaty0uJM', 'Tell her you love her and want to keep her in your life, that you want to support her and get her through this, that you will listen to her always. Tell her you want her to at least discuss this with you in detail to be sure its the right choice. That this is such an important decision for her and you want to help all you can.Is she getting any support from her family? What other people would be suitable to contact that wouldnt put too much Pressure on her (with her permission)?', 'If she can drop you that easily despite what youve had, all you can do is forget her and move on. What good is obsessing over her? Even if she came back, she could go again at the drop of a hat, fucking you up even further. Your best choice is to shut her out of your life completely and deal with being alone.Its difficult when on the rebound. What you want is to be stable, which means not starting another relationship. Re. this one- stand your ground now that youve been betrayed, as a form of self-respect if nothing else. You have to respect yourself above others. You have to be harsh on yourself at times to make the Pain less in the long run. Being comfortable with being alone is better before being a relationship. Then you arent so distraught when someone goes, and you have other coping methods.Relationships are never perfect the first time. Wed love them to be, but the secret is you have to be prepared to be open with every person you get involved with, to learn more about yourself and whats really healthy for you. Eventually you find someone, in theory, that meets expectations, but why should it be easy? How could it be easy?This isnt the end of the world. You in fact have every single option that was ever possible at this point. You can distract yourself with something positive, something rewarding. You can find friends and even a partner again, in time. But accept the reality: this is over; any deep bond of trust has been broken. The best thing you can do for your future self is pick up the pieces sooner rather than later. Alcohol/drugs wont help.', 'Find an adult at school or even the police, explain your situation, they should set you up with someone that will listen to you and not judge you, work out your options from there. Dont be afraid to ask for help. As another poster says you may be able to get time off from school, you need guidance and support because you are being bullied. Bullying hurts on the inside too not just the outside, its Tired serious if you are made to feel suicidal. Please ask an adult for help.', 'I hope you get a diagnosis, this is really important to be able to communicate to your family you have a legitimate struggle not an excuse or laziness.You are here, and you have a potential to enjoy life, which trumps a logical analysis of wanting or not wanting. You dont choose to live, nobody did, but we discover who we can be as a result, and whether we find difficulty there, that can be seen as completely separate. Its okay to be in trouble and in need of help. Its human and common and normal. If you are here for others then maybe its not so much to ask of yourself to try anything that will work, to help yourself up. It can be difficult to believe in yourself but its possible, its always possible to move on from where we are and there is no shame in that.', '>I dont know why I want to live.I felt this way last year. Existential questions are Tired important to some of us while for others its never a concern, and the thinking is expected to be dealt with some other way within this responsibility-dodging society. Most lines of thought arent approached by therapists because they of course have stable lives in the economic system; dont see a need to question it. Most people in the world in fact cant offer up the experience to handle these questions, so theyll pretend theyre not important(!)Since we dont have a lot of space here, possibly ask yourself1. why you are driven to ask this in particular2. if your line of thought could be biased by being in this position3. if youd find a more certain answer by first becoming happy with yourself4. if you can be content with being who you are5. if its okay to live every day with being ugly, a failure, or poor, or homeless, or blind etc.6. if you would try to put everything right, given the chanceFor what its worth I still think along those lines (death today vs. tomorrow) every day even though my living situation and life in general isnt such a problem for me right now. And I have to ask myself why Im posting here. But thats me and my existential worries, my loneliness and lack of social life & distraction talking. Distraction is the key word. Its the secret to how people never stumble across the big question. More tasty food, more nice clothes, and so on.Environmental damage is something close to 0% of the people of the world are conscious of. Why be part of that low percentile? Its happening anyway whether you care about it or not: this is the world thats been created and its the world thats here to stay.Really, these rationalizations are coming from having nothing to live for that youre excited about in the short-term. And by no means does that mean that they cant appear again. People do not break. The mind is Tired flexible and adaptable. Its possible to fix your environment, therefore its possible you can be happier with life. That question never disappears completely.Everything with your life can be improved if youre serious; all its ever concerned is the method, knowledge, skills that you apply.

Behavior

Haha, as they say you can do anything you put your mind to! Although Ive always felt like the people that work there are like the snotty clique at high school. Presumptuous and rude. Although I may feel bias because I work with waitresses, and unless youre a regular or a fellow employee, they always just slightly treat you like a second hand citizen.. Anywho!Im awfully Tired today, sorry I wasnt Tired conversational this time about. Seems like we could both use an extra helping of sleep. ', 'The thing is with holes, theyre a lot scarier then they really are. People think that "Its so high and Im surrounded on all sides" they loose track of themselves and get caught up and amplify a sitaution that isnt that bad. But fact of the matter is theyre simple to get out. Just gotta go up.My man it seems you need to have a meeting with yourself. Go out to a place where you can clear your head, whether its a hill with a view, a coffee shop, or even your room with a clipboard. Forget about everyone else and everything. You need to identify your goals and how it is your going to accomplish them. No ones more important then yourself. I sat down last year and by the time I was done, I had 6 pages of basic to complex things I wanted to do and how to do them. When I wake up in the morning now *Im* working to accomplish *my* goals. Now I dont want to force anything upon you or give any wrong ideas, but thats what worked me. Make sure at the Tired least at the end day you can say "While I didnt get much done, Im one step closer to..."', 'Damn, wheres the humanity these days? I hope nothing was damaged, have you gotten everything back in hopefully one piece?A lot of that could be due to Stress. A friend of mine is taking some AP physc classes and Stress has been known to defunct a persons ability to process everyday cognitive abilities if it becomes too much. Kind of like when theres not enough ram on a computer and you que up too many processes. But of course Im not a professional, although if you ask me it sounds like what you really need is a vacation. Of course its when were in no position for leisure is when we need it the most. And please, a tiny mess like this is more than a match for someone of your technological expertise. Ive actually been up to pretty much the same, ironing out the kinks of life so to speak. Finally cut my hours at work, it was just too stressful and left me with zero free time between that and school. Im not sure if I mentioned it but I was accepted to my University of choice so Ive been preparing for that to start sometime in the fall. And since Id fallen behind in school due to work, Ive really just spent the past few weeks studying for exams I had last Asthenia, and passing in missing assignments. The only other highlight being I bought a guitar, so hopefully Ill learn how to play that. Not every exciting yes but between life and being around negative-three degrees out most of the Excitement is waiting to thaw (ha, kind of like your couch [sorry if that was too soon, I think someone said laughter is the best medicine so I figured Id give it a shot]).', 'Its a good temporary relief. Im still looking for the proper cure myself. "Maybe tomorrow" has pretty much become my catch phrase. If you ever want to talk let me know, I can give you my email. ', 'Its almost comforting to see that. Its just hard having that kind of click in your head, after working hard and with the notion that if your going to do something; make sure it matters. Ive always been a firm believer in myself and my morals, "to be the change you want to see in the world." So while I understand, and I probably will, to just suck things up and move upwards and onward the best I can is going to be the most obnoxious thing for me.But hey, to each their own.', 'Hey man, I know its rough when school is such a focal point of todays society. Im a senior myself and I find myself teetering over the edge on the grade scale too. No one ever said itll be easy, but thats why theres people like us.You see, people like us are the game changers. Weve been on both ends of the spectrum and know its ins and outs. Were the ones that make an impact, regardless of how large. We build our lives into something were proud of, by doing so inspiring others to follow. I know work, and money, and school all seems pointless but were only 16-18% done with our lives. I know it sucks not being able to do what you want, I went through the same phase of "Computer now, work not." Your parents are really looking out for your best interest, trust them on this one. And lifes just one of those things where youre going to get back what you put into it. The more you do, the more you give the better the turnout. You wont know exactly what youll get till down the line but if youre confident in the moment then what goes around comes around.[I took after another redditor and printed this off.](http://i.imgur.com/9eIOn.png) Give it a year and see what happens. Make the best of each day. Tl:Dr: Trust your parents, build your life into something your proud of, and remember that when you apply yourself anything is possible (cheesy yes but I learned in the past year theres a truth to this).', 'Thats spinning a definition to, "do what you love and love what you do." Unfortunately being a guy I dont have that kind of opportunity. Short of being a bank robber, Ill be sticking with the entry level jobs for the time being lol. Yeah, most of the Excitement is waiting to thaw. And theres been a hearty amount of snow lately this year. So its not even like a "technical" winter where its 60 out and hasnt seen snow for 3 weeks. Its times like these I wish I owned a snowmobile... Or preferably friends with snowmobiles. Although what I really would be okay with, is an ATV with a plow. Go riding, make money, AND do it in style? Pfftt, where do I sign.Well its a pleasure to properly meet you to. It just felt silly I suppose after talking for a while to think "oh neat, a reply from reddit person."', 'Why does every landlord ever have to be a kleptomaniac or the staring villain from a horror movie? They either want a billion dollars to return it, or your life. However it seems you are more than ready to start swinging back, more power to ya! Did she take anything too important/crucial to everyday duties?Oh really? Im not trying to pry, but care to share why? I completely understand if you rather but I swear, Im just genuinely interested. And its not that big of a deal, but I just feels nice having fresh. Kinda like when you put fresh clean sheets on the bed, its just so relaxing.Man 3 jobs? I guess a lot has happened since we last talked! Theres the factory where you kickass, the aquarium that sells fish, I can only imagine what the third one might be. And just know that its always bumpy when you make a notable change like moving (Im sure I dont need to be telling you but sometimes its good just to hear it). Things will usually straighten out with a little elbow grease, and if they dont 9 times out of 10 youll at least know what you need to do to straighten them out. ', 'Holy crapski! Its been way too long and Im sorry about it. But with the Holidays, school, and work, it felt like I was on a treadmill that just stopped yesterday. How were your Holidays? I hope the move went(?) smoothly and the fish have settled in. And hows the job going, get that promotion yet?Its the new year and Im one of *those* people, the whole fresh start and what not, so while I normally I would go through and pick up the conversation where it left off, if its okay with you I rather start anew. Not saying I dont want talk about those things, but I just need a new beginning you know? I usually pour myself into the year, so come Thanksgiving is when I kind of auto-pilot my way through whats left of the year from pretty much complete social, physical, and mental exhaustion. I promise our correspondences wont die out and now that things have slowed down a little more for me, I wont take months to reply. And while unfortunately I still have work in the morning, but Ive felt terrible knowing I just didnt have the time to sit-down and write a reply you deserve. So this is me just getting the ball rolling and we can take it from here. ', 'Ha, happy cake day. I see I choose a good day to get back to you. I wish I could say Ive done something productive but all Ive really done outside my normal routine is sleep. Just so Tired of people, bullshit, people and their bullshit. Hell Im even getting Tired of myself a little bit. Anywho.Hows the whole 54528 jobs, 3 distinct hobbies, and finding time to rest working out?', 'It would be kind of funny if you turn out to be the next emperor or supreme chancellor or whatever Canada has. Prime Minister I think? Personally I feel Supreme Overlord Chancellor of Canada has a better ring to it. Perhaps thatll be your first order as business. Good thing we still have 6 more weeks of winter... yay... Although Im finally going snowmobiling next Asthenia so thats exciting. Have you gone/any tips for someone whos never gone before? My friend has a few times but its always good to have multiple input.', 'Ha, alas Im not mentally mature enough (or desperate) just yet. Although it would certainly be an interesting piece to include, or potentially leave out, on the resume lol. There are times i just want to go out and shovel the paths myself. I have no problem with the Common cold, but the trails are so iced up they cant be traversed. Although I saw these badass cleats you could buy for your shoes. Just slide and tighten them over the toe and ankle and shazaam: you got 3" spikes on your feet. I can only imagine what its like to get kicked by them. Exactly, conversation can be apreactive a little more if you can appreciate the aspects of said pperson. Name included.', 'Ha nice, petty revenge at its finest. While still it sucks you lost some stuff its always satisfactory to get the last laugh. Dont worry about the small reply. Working 3 jobs and putting up with lifes daily crap will tire even the best out. I much rather see you take time to catch up on sleep or take a mental health day. We all need to spend a weekend every now and again just doing what makes us happy. Whether that be reading and watching fish for a day, or arctic survival hiking trip.Seriously though, dont try and just shrug Stress off. One moment you think its well managed and you got it easily under control, next day things are looking a little grim as every little problem becomes a problem. I have a lot more free time so if you ever want to just talk in a pinch, or just vent everything off from big issues to little problems. Odds are Ill be around.', 'Its comforting to see Im not the only one who sees things this way. That knowing youre conducting your train right off a cliff, and theres not too much you can do about it. Although its kind of ironic. When it comes down to it, I love money. Perhaps its just because of the freedoms it grants. But really all the money I earned would go towards an early retirement fund, just so I wouldnt have to worry about working pointlessly anymore. Just kick back, and do what I want when I want with my friends. None of that "oh I cant, pulling a double this Friday", shit.I go hiking fairly often, I love the fall scenery from atop of a mountain. Being outside, fresh air, etc. Comparatively to the wilderness, Ive lived a pampered life. I dont know a damn thing about any kind of survival/wilderness training (nothing on traps, shelters or even fishing). Ill admit Im happy now, Im content in a way. But it has to end eventually, and while my life isnt at the grinding away point yet theres nothing to say it wont in that 5-6 year time. I dont know. Im not drunk so its not like I cant these thoughts off as just the alcohol. And while I may not be physically on the verge, Ive more or less come to terms with it mentally. Id like to keep talking, thats for sure. And Im flattered by your offer regardless of how actually serious it is, Im one of those its the though that counts kind of guys. I understand if youve had a change heart, it appears we dont exactly line up like a puzzle pieces. Although Id confidently say youre right, we agree our money obsessed society is by no definition a complete pleasant one.One more thing... Plastic sheets? Seriously? Just when you think its gotten bad enough, our bedding is starting to be made of plastic. Talk about reinforcing the ideal that were all just dolls being used.', 'Well thats relieving to hear, Im always in the market to meet and talk to new people. Im sorry to hear most of your high school friends have departed. As an only child I treat my friends in the close group we have now as my brothers and sisters, I can understand how much it sucks to not be able to see them everyday. Which I suppose Ill be in the same boat as you once we graduate midnext year, everyones kind of floating down their own rivers.Canada has some pretty awesome wild-life and nature sites. Maybe what you should do is next time you have an extended leave (which I hope youre allotted) you should plan an extended camping trip. Or a multi-destination hike? I bet within some parts thered be minimal light pollution and the night sky would be gorgeous. It feels like youre stuck in the mud kind of? And even when you do get free you dont know which road it is you should go down? And the more you idle the more you sink. Maybe what you should do is, since (Im going out on a leap of faith here) you clearly love to be outside and in the wilderness is do just that. Save up for a while, buy what gear you need and just take hell even a month to do and be where you love to be. If you like it, and things are working out then so be it! Wow, I feel really stupid now. When you said cotton at first my mind latched onto the idea that you were talking about sheets and like pillow cases. Although plastic money sounds equally obnoxious. Its certainly a form of motivation to keep better track of it thoughxP.', 'Oof, movings always a Pain. And by the way you worded it sounds like your next exactly moving up and over. As the saying goes, you cannot have beauty without Pain. And I can see how Japan is certainly a beautiful culture. Gotta love dem cherry blossoms right? I cant say Im entirely familiar with any native Japanese citizens or visited, but Ill take your word theyre fun and more so full of life. It makes sense considering the values theyve been raised on. And of course, the bads going to show up anyway so theres no point in giving it more attention then it deserves. Im sure youve probably heard this enough times, but Im sincerely sorry that you didnt have a close relationship with your mom. That sucks a lot and my heart goes out to you. If its any consolation, you seem like an awesome person in the end of it all.It must be a Canadian thing. Ive traveled up and down the East Coast more or less for the past year and Ive never heard of them till now. Or Im just not in touch with the fish market well enough. Howd you get into this whole fish scene anywho? I just dont hear of many people say "Today marks the beginning of my own personal Fish-collection."Why not right? I mean plenty other of people have stupider books on stupider topics that sold a plenty. Not saying your book would be Stupid but hell if theyve done it why not you too right? And Im sure theres plenty to eat asides from shrubs. Like twig & caterpillar sandwichs on maple bark. Mhhm. Oh god, a swollen/rashy ass. That just made the list of worst fears. Ill be sure to consult my doctor before abandoning modern society.I think tonight Im more incline to agree that classic Peppercorns will be the better way to go. That night I was just feeling lemony. I have flavor swings, go figure. I agree, it would just take me sometime to get use to letting go. I find it hard to be wasteful of that 2c, only where Id be subconsciously adding it up and like 2 times a Asthenia it would dawn on me. "Bet you wish you had that $2.15 for lunch now dont you?" And yes, I have a love-hate relationship with auto-correct. Damn, both? You have the envy of every middle class worker. ', 'Hey there guy, I know Im clocking in a little behind here but I hope its not too late pal.Im going to tell you a little story, I hope you dont mind. A few weeks ago I walked out into the woods with a gun and planned on doing the same-thing. I was Tired. I was Tired of people, bullshit, people and their bullshit. Fuck, I was Tired of myself. So fuck it right? Fuck you world Ill get the last laugh.But then I ended up reading a comment by another user. > "You dont ever hear Man, Im so glad theycommitted suicide. " So think about this, think about all your friends and family. Im not trying to guilt you, but ultimately *no-one* wants to see you do the deed. I know it sucks. I still cant get my head off this one girl I know. Shes just so awesome but doesnt want much to do with me. But friend it just isnt worth it. Please, what will I have to do to prove it to you?', 'Very nice, some quality penmenship there. Stay at it on behalf of us who cant get those awesome reminder tattoos. ', 'Ill write a proper reply later, but its thanksgiving here and in the states. So one of the things Im thankful for is just having someone I can just talk to and vent away with. So thank you. ', 'I have the same problem.. Every time it happens I usually drop whatever Im doing and head straight public.place without any instruments. Whether thats a library, family room, Xbox with friends their dorm. Then just ride out the wave for however long it last. Thats worked for me so far, although that isnt a permenant solution.', 'Alright, if I was every person that carelessly left every small detail out of place what would you tell me right now? Go ahead, just whatever comes to mind. Whether its a good verbal scolding or whatever, just have at it.No one in their right mind should enjoy feeling like a blob on society, thats what makes taking a day or vacation off so hard. Although its also whats suppose to make life so easy. Or so the theory is anyway.', 'The biggest problem is I dont know what I want love to do. I have fun all the time, but Ive yet to really find that one thing Im utmost passionate about. But like you said, I am going to spend the next year or so figuring that out. And youre right, it sucks that the things youre good at are things you want almost nothing to do with. But the money thing, it wasnt until I got a job about 6 months (in a well respected restaurant) that I could start buying things that I simply *wanted.* And it didnt take months of saving to earn up to it, I just go out and say "Man thats cool, Ill take 2." I dont want a rich life, I just want a content life that isnt restricted 80% of the time by money.Its just I dont want to dig myself into a hole, and know the entire time Im doing it. ', 'Theres a dangerous amount of money people are willing to spend on subscriptions and stuff like that. Makes me jealous in the sense that, I wish I had money to just throw around like that and live an easy life. Its almost like waitressing during the holidays, but year round. But if you ask me, people need to get outside more. Theres a lot of cool persons out in the world if you take the time to meet them. But of course that implies venturing forth into the great wide yonder that is the outside. Which granted figure the worst a person will do is tell you to get lost, it doesnt seem all that bad. But Im sure someone would argue that point with me. Oh well, to each their own I suppose. This kind of just dawned on me, but weve been talking for a few months now and I realized we dont exactly each others names. Mines clearly joe(y) [and no Im not really angry]. I totally understand if you rather not share but I can say I am genuinely curious as to what it is. ', 'Thanks man, is your username Japanese by any chance?', 'Im really sorry to hear it sounds like youre getting kicked while your down. No one deserves to have that much on their plate at any given time. And the fact youre managing all the duties single handily, thats worthy of a noble prize. But think of it like this, me being the enternal optimist that I (which will one day be my demise); Take a step back, and just look at everything you are paying 100% for. Be proud of every problem thats been resolved for now, because *no one* can take credit for that but you. You have entitled bragging rights that youre solving problems when no one else is. Savor those victories and let them motivate you to earn another. (I know Im a terrible pep-talkist so just pretend thats 10x better then it actually is).', 'Second job, now thats taking some initiative! I hope your Aquariam store interview goes well, I mean for filler work it certainly sounds like youd be happy there. And it just seems like no matter what I did, shit just wouldnt get done or if it did get done, something bad would happen thus ruining it. Today for example; I get my check and plan on going home to treat myself to a computer game Ive been planning on buying, and I get in a car accident. Its not even my fault and no one was Pain fortunately, but my car has since been towed just in time for winter. Not like I needed it or anything. The worse part was while I was waiting for the paper work to get cleared up, this stupid business owner forced my friend who was giving me a ride out of the parking lot because she has so many customers that need to freely go in and out. Granted all he had to was move out to the street, but its just pointless bullshit that ruffles my feathers. It was completely uncalled for, and I think thats upsetting me more then my destroyed rear-end. Sorry to just dump that on you but I felt like if I didnt get it out it might cause an Ulcer or something stupid like that.I think part of the problem, asides from the fact Ive been extraordinarily bias, is that I havent found good sushi. Granted I havent tried any on the basis I havent had the right opportunity, which kind of turned into me avoiding the opportunities. Granted however I would jump at a steak, terryaki sauce and green onion sushi roll. The avoocado and cumcumber sounds good, I might pass on the eel though... What does an eel taste/feel like anyway? Is it the black slimely mealy sterotype I have in my head or something completely different?But the data caps! OH god the data caps! Its bad enough on my phone, I cant imagine being restricted on my PC too. Then again maybe I would do more if I knew there was less to do within the comforts of this amazingly comfy chair.. Nahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. Its okay youre not a bad canadian, as long as you say sorry more then you need to then youre all set. I mean it wouldnt Pain to *pretend* to like hockey, but personally I can over look itxP. And to be fair, who doesnt love Cider? Cider is the best. Man all this talk of fish almost makes me want one, but I have enough trouble with my dog. I dont think I could handle all the Excitement (and responsibility) that an assorted amount of fish could bring. Would you say that the personality in fish are really brought out in groups, or even if alone you can pickup on it if you pay attention enough?Damn, these guys are like the Walmart of pets. I could see how easy it would be to get into fish or any kind of animal when you have one these 10 minutes away. Its super easy, like really its just Ketchup, White Vinegar, Oregano, Basil, Italian Seasonings, garlic powder, and few other spices. Thats really the base more or less for any BBQ (well any BBQ I make.). I caught a glimpse of it when I was shopping and having just bought a sweet and spicy I just couldnt bring myself to get it. Soon though, Ill be sure to tell you of my findings. Clearly their should be laws and regulations regarding proper placement of vending machines. That way if they break in a secluded area you can charge extra to compensate? Im skeptical not a lawyer xP ', 'Sorry about the extreme belated reply. Felt like this Asthenia I climbing up mud, no matter how hard I tried I just couldnt gain any ground. Tasty? Japan? Raw fish, or any fish for that matter is by no definition tasty. Taste like ocean, uncooked salty ocean. Now if only this was one the more common sterotypes associated with canada! I know I appreciate it more when I think "Sassy black fish" rather then "maple leaf" & "limited internet." I werent aware fish were that smart so to speak? Do they follow specifically you or just any ol blob by their tank? And I could see myself watching fish for a while. With a book and a cup of coffee, especially during winter as the Common cold starts to set in. Doesnt get much more relaxing.Or maybe not entirely experience, maybe just a broader imagination? Perhaps write a series of fiction survival stories? I adore Sweet Baby Rays! I usually make my own BBQ sauce, but when Im just doing something Sharp Pain like burgers or something I love their Sweet & Spice. Although Ive been meaning to try their Vadalion Onion(?). I am, its more so a curse. Its like theres an accounting department in part of my head dedicated solely to the amount of money I *have* saved, and the amount of money I *could* of saved. Speaking of which, think of the monopoly you could hold! You could buy up all the Sodas, then resell them at $1.50 and make massive profit and retire early!', 'Thats Tired generous and supporting of you. To take up a low end job so you guys can still be together while he continues his studies. The modern day love story if Ive ever heard it. Do you like working/fixing large pieces of equipment? Or is size regardless and its just mechanical things in general? What you should do is ask for a certificate or something of their appreaction for you. Then if enough time passes without anything go and bitchem out. Squeaky wheels are either replaced or oiled. If they do replace you then youll have aforememtioned certificate to back your hardworking nature.A couple of us were talking about getting an apartment together, but that was before I had my change of heart. It just if sucks thinking that Im going to be commandeering my ship all myself. Hell even tonight they made plans with literally everyone in the group but me. They tried to hide it, but they even invited someone as I literally sat next them. It just really came as a low blow at the given time. Im sorry for the way it sounds like your friends kind of crumbled.Its funny, every time I think of a community or person living in the wild, I never once picture them with walls. I love walls personally. Their notion of safety, and protection and home. It sucks they becams outdated as time went by. Although I might be bias because there isnt too much about those eras I dont love. The thought of being a traveling merchant, peddling goods from town to town across beautiful countryside. I personally find nothing more appealing.The true self sufficient lifestyle is for sure the simpler one. And by simple I mean less complicated/clear cut. Everyone does their part and it works like well a society truly should work. Everyone takes care of one another without expecting anything specific in return. Hey, never under estimate a potato. They arent called sneaky starches for nothing. And think of all the new practical uses your money has. Now you can use it as a coaster and look ever so slightly less jerky.', 'Maybe you could look into becoming a regional mechanic for them? I dont know how large exactly the company it is your work for, but if they have multiple plants that break down equally as often it sounds like they could really use someone like you to either train staff to do it properly or just do it yourself. I can vouch hes smarter then me, anymore form of math or science really just kind of hits me like a wall so more power to him if he can understand it all. What do you think youll want to go to school for? You clearly have several distinct avenues you could pursue. Its not even that were drifting apart at this moment that sucks. I didnt even really want to go, but its still nice to be invited. And yeah I suppose youre right, and had I gone I wouldnt of spent the time talking to you. And its not entirely a bad thing you dont keep in touch with people, as long you enjoy the conversations in the moment then thats what really matters. Is this specifically a fish-store? I find it odd a business surviving purely of revenue of fish sale. And what kind of fish do they have/your favorite?Ha yes unfortunately my dreams are just a tad bit outdated. The modern-age has updated all those types of jobs. And it seems like youve really got this all planned out. How long has this idea been shuffling around in your head? I mean youve got everything from general basics to fine tooth details. There are things that wouldnt even cross my mind that youve got covered like the back of your hand (which is why I never once, or will consider at this time, doing something like this on my own). Maybe you could go to school for survival/wilderness know-how. And start courses of your own? Once youve met enough people that would also be interested your idea, give it a whirl. Potatoes are most certainly tasty. Boiled potatoes with some goat cheese melted down ontop? Amazing. Right, I forgot Canadians are known for theyre apologies. And how could you have phased out the penny?! Theyre so awesome, I mean you only need 100 for a dollar. Ask anyone "Hey can I have that penny?", 100 times and BAAM you got a dollar. Thats not even counting all the ones on the ground. ', 'Ha yes I love books as a matter of fact. Sorry I didnt get back sooner, was busy the past 2 days.If youre working for Magna you definitely have room for improvement. I sincerely hope youre pushing for those opportunities, if theres anything Ive learned so far is that if you dont push and take it odds are someone else will. You certainly have quite the diversified personality. The English teaching one sounds pretty interesting actually, something I wasnt aware of. I mean it makes sense and all, jus something that never quite dawned on me. Its almost something I might briefly look into. Ive always wanted to travel and live somewhere outside the U.S., and while Swedens my first choice I have nothing against Japan.Im sorry you had to cut your mom out. Friends and acquintances are one thing, but assuming you had (have?) a decent relationship with your mom then it must of been uncomprehendingly hard. Itd probably be the hardest I would do, but we all gotta do what we gotta do right?Fish store? Bah, more like Fish Emporium! I was picturing some Mom & Pop style store, not petting-zoo aquarium. I can definitely see how theyre staying so busy with an operation like that. I cant imagine theres too many competitors in that business. Clown fish are pretty fantastic, and what exactly is a Mexican Turbo snail? It seems like an oxy-moron if you ask me. Also how many baby-clown fish will they make? Im not exactly caught up to date with whats an average number of fish babies. What brought on this love of fish?Damn, since 3 huh. Sounds like it really, traces back to your roots. If youre really feeling exotic, you could become all Canadian special forces and rewrite the survival manual. Yeah the book would probably come in handy. Odds are Id be dead in the first 5 hours from my leaf and root sandwich. And yeah the whole bathroom ordeal is a debate in itself. Ive always swore up and down that even if I were to live in a cardboard box, Id be wiping with the fluffy stuff. Although I assume I could just fold some leaves together, rub some aloe on them, and viola! Mashed potatoes are a true classic. I like the green onion idea, I bet itd go great with a little bit of garlic. And instead of black or white pepper, use a lemon pepper and maybe coarse grain sea salt. Now thats eating on a budget. I wonder where the term Taters originates from? I was first thinking Irish, those spud-freaks them, but it has a certain southern/country flair to it. Oh ok, so when you go to pay for an item depending on your method payment will decide if the cost is rounded? I can already see myself becoming frustrated over the fact I had to use my bank card and lost out on the chance to save 2 cents. And a .75C vending machine? I thought those were all but instinct! Is it a coke or pepsi one?', 'Thanks I really found what you said to be encouraging, especially the tibit of giving your arms sunlight whenever. I wish it wasnt as Common cold so I could start to as well haha. But really the problem isnt knowing the reasons why I dont want to. I know them all, there whats gotten me this far. Im struggling w

Supportive

Then lets explore that, because self-hate isnt a simple thing. Ive been there, I really have, and its awful, but you need to look at why you hate yourself so that you can begin to deal with it.Its not always that we need to change, but that we need to change our perceptions of ourselves, you know?', 'And still a human being.Inciting suicide is tantamount to murder.', 'Ive recently passed 1 year clean, and its still in my head every single day. I know exactly how you feel, and it completely fucking sucks that its always there, and youre always thinking about and wanting to do it.Id suggest the elastic band/tight hair band thing - snapping it on my arms always helps (but careful not to do it too hard and too much in one place, as it leaves these marks that can stay there for well over a day). The only problem is that the Pain is short lived. Like, cuts are Pain when you cut, and then for quite a while afterwards, but Pain from the rubber bands/hair bands fades too quickly, so you have to do it more often. ', 'Why is that? Im not doubting you or your judgement, but I would like to hear more, Id like to know why you feel this is the case.', 'Im really sorry to hear youve lost family members and had all of these problems. Its really easy for this stuff to stack up and get on top of you, so its important that youre able to talk about it to deal with it all. Its awful that youve lost the person who has helped you through so much, it really is, but it isnt the end. You can deal with this stuff, suicide isnt your only option.Firstly, is there anyone else you can turn to? I ask, because obviously, finding a new confidante would be a great way to help you get back on track. Now, if you dont think theres anyone you can turn to, have you considered seeking professional help? It gets suggested often because it really does help to have someone just listen to you, and give input when you need it. Therapists can help guide you through your problems in a way that sometimes even close friends cant.It may also help to bring something new into your life, to focus yourself on. Its not going to solve anything, but it will really help take your mind off of things so that it doesnt seem so much.', 'Yes, I definitely prefer to do it slow, even if emotionally Im a wreck at the time, going slow is always better. Im always wary of depth, especially since I used to cut mostly on the insides of my thighs, because I dont want to knick a vein or artery; suicide isnt my goal.I cut deeper than I used to, but thats because with experience has come a greater awareness of the maximum depth I should cut to. I dont want excessive Bleeding, because anything that might create too high of a risk of Infection or become problematic in some other way would mean going to the doctors/hospital - something I must avoid at all costs.', 'See, the reason threads like this dont get much attention is because it feels impersonal, like youre just saying Im the problem solver! Let me solve all the problems!.If you really want to help, then try and make sure nobody is left hanging; nobody on here should go unanswered. If you read someones post, and feel like you can help, then absolutely go for it. Your effort is admirable, it really is, but this probably isnt the best way for you to help out.', 'You deserve a lot better than the lot youve got, but I promise that if you just hang in there, things are going to look up for you.I know others have said their inboxs are open if you need to talk, and obviously you can post here whenever you need help/advice, but just PM if you feel you need to, Im always listening.', 'Were not here to judge, or to tell you to stop. I know how it helps to make you feel, but just make sure you take care of yourself. If you do want to try and stop, then places like /r/StopSelfHarm and /r/depression can be excellent resources and communities. Its always easier to stop anything when you have support from others. ', 'OP, have you considered that a lot of us dont want to stop? That it works for us? That were safe?Ive been raised inside a family filled with nurses, so safety has been drilled into me since... ever. Im careful not to cut where there may be exposed arteries, and I clean every single wound - if it causes too much Bleeding or gets infected, that means a trip to the hospital and unwanted exposure, so Id bet the vast majority of us are safe.And fyi, self-harm is suicide prevention.', 'Ill reply all night if you want me to. You deserve a life, a good one, and if you hang in there, you can have one.', '> and water Common cold water, not warm. Definitely do not use warm water to clean out the blood. ', '> heart basically stopped.I know that feeling.You think someone is about to discover your SH, and your stomach just drops and this pit opens up inside you. Its the fucking worst feeling.', 'Yeah, Im kinda confused as to why s/he chose to restrict this to one country....', 'Shame usually led me to.throw them away, but Id usually use them a few times. I keep the last blades I used symbolically - but if I relapse then yup, frenzy of trying to pull the blades off my razor again. I almost relapsed a month ago - closest Id been since stopping - after I was robbed and had all my valuables stolen, and the only thing that stopped by was that I couldnt get the damn blade off my razor. Gave me time to calm down a bit, and think about what I was about to do. ', 'Ive been in the situation where someone who was suicidal, who I was talking to, had been making really big improvements in his life and taking some really positive steps, suddenly regressed and set a date for his suicide. I became extremely concerned, and there was nothing I could do to sway him. I tried to subtlety gather information so I could get him help. He needed it, and I couldnt do anything more via skype. He stopped talking to me before I could gather enough info to do anything, but it was before the date he set to kill himself.When its a choice between someone dying, and getting someone into a place where they cant Pain themselves and could potentially get the help they need - most of us will choose the latter. Im sorry that it was a horrible experience, but you cannot expect people to stand aside and let you die. Obtaining permission to contact people is ideal, but sometimes its not possible without endangering your efforts to stop them killing themselves. ', 'Its because of my level of awareness that I feel comfortable using it as a coping mechanism.When Ive considered suicide, usually at the peak of Emotional upset distress, Ive made myself calm down and think Is this the logical decision?, as in, is this absolutely the right decision that has been thought through, or am I experiencing heightened Emotional upset Pressure? Its the same kind of thing with cutting. I know many people here feel it controls them, but I most certainly dont. Im making a conscious choice, in the same way I do if I decide not to eat for a day or decide not to leave my bed for however long etc. It isnt my sole coping mechanism, its one of many. I can, and do, control myself. I know what can happen, but I also know what happens when I lose control; I close in on suicide again. I will not always be able to stop myself, and these coping mechanisms help prevent me from reaching a mental state where I have to.And I promise you; nobody is affected other than me.', 'I just use razor blades, and cut my thighs. I normally only do two or three cuts at one time, although sometimes it may be double that (three on each thigh, for example). I guess its the most common method because its the easiest. I have a ton of razor blades for shaving anyway.', 'Its not weakness; you opened yourself up to someone, gave yourself to them - that takes more bravery than a lot of people can muster. Unfortunately, it hasnt worked out for you as you planned.But I really hope that you come to realise that this is so far from the end... The Pain fades, albeit after much Emotional upset Pain and longing for what you thought could have been, but it does fade. Im not telling you to let go, but I do believe wholeheartedly that youll find your way back from the wilderness youre in because of what youre going through. Hang in there, yeah?', 'Okay, calm down, take a deep breath, and lets think about this.Are you sure theres no place for you to go? Nobody you can stay with for just a while? Youre not alone, youre reaching out for help, and there are always people online who will help if they can. If you really cant find anywhere to stay, Id suggest going to [/r/askreddit](/r/askreddit) or something similar, as theyll either help you directly or point you in the direction of a subreddit that can.This is a temporary situation, and we cant let them get the best of us. Try to remain calm and collect yourself, because youre going to have to keep focused to get past this tough time, but you will if you reach out, which youre doing.', 'Im always a bit fearful about my blades being discovered :/ But your boyfriend sounds pretty great about it, so take solace in that at the Tired least?', 'In the UK you literally cant buy enough ibuprofen or paracetamol to overdose on from any one place. Youd have to go to more than one shop, and even then, theyre all individually wrapped so it would take ages to try and overdose. ', 'Ive been guilty of giving advice on cleaning wounds, so I apologise. I base it on my experience, and coming from a nursing family, where I kind of just know how to treat minor wounds and ailments because I was raised that way - its like common sense for me, but youre absolutely right, it Falls under giving medical advice. ', 'No... I dont think thats a fair comment to make. The people most likely to respond to your post are the ones who think the same as you.I wasnt going to respond, but I saw this comment and felt obliged to point out that I certainly dont hate people, and I dont gate being touched, and I enjoy the company of others more than anything in the world.', 'That is not even remotely similar. ', 'Asking for help is failing; its bravery.Often, the hardest thing we can bring ourselves to do is admit that we cant cope, that things are too much, and that we need help. And its brave. Youre brave.Im really sorry that your mother was abusive, that must have been horrible. My parents also got divorced (when I was 7), and although my father wasnt really abusive, he did hate me whilst simultaneously adoring my brothers. Im telling you this because I want you to know that youre not alone, and that feeling of Numbness can be brought on by so many things, and there isnt any one way to deal with it.But taking your own life isnt the solution. You may not be able to think of a reason why you want to live right now, but that doesnt mean there isnt one. It sounds to me like you need to talk, to feel again. If youre able, a professional to listen to you is just about the most liberating experience, and it could really help you reconnect with the world. Youll have an outlet for that anger, and someone who really will listen to you, and remember that nothing you say is pathetic, it means something to you, so it means something, and its important.I cant really suggest any particular outlets other than finding something for you to focus on. It could be something as simple as a sport or hobby, but could also be helping out at a charity or other type of project. Anything that gives you some direction and focus will help you see that theres so much to live for, and so much to look forward to. ', 'Lifelong Eczema sufferer here; cocoa butter cream is what youre looking for OP.To date, no other cream has soothed Itching as much as cocoa butter. It has the added benefit of helping to make scars fade if applied over longer periods of time. If youve already itched a lot and it has become inflamed, then you want to take cetirizine antihistamines (just one).NOTE: Ask at the chemist to double check with the antihistamines. Im giving you this advice based on 22 years of medical history solving chronic Itching. ', 'This is my feelings exactly. This might sound harsh, but the posts soliciting PMs and Im here to help!! always seems a little superficial to me :/ And highly ineffective. I absolutely hate seeing posts unanswered, because having been there myself, to put yourself on the line and be ignored... its shattering... It should always be a priority to make sure nobody goes unanswered, so that they know theyre heard at the Tired least.', 'I think thats up to you. When I get to my absolute limit, and feel ike Im going to snap and break my clean streak, I snap the rubber band on my wrist until I calm down. I still consider myself clean, because Im not cutting, and for me thats the goal. ', '> In my state its perfectly legal to shoot and kill someone to prevent an imminent rape of oneself or a third partyAnd in my country, thats illegal. In fact, if you were shot by a civilian whilst committing a crime, youd have a feasible case to sue them. Above and beyond every arbitrary law, there are human rights, rights we all have access to at all times, the most fundamental of which being the right to life.', 'I know you probably know this - but its people thinking they can apply the "it gets better" to depressed/self harming/suicidal people. Its been covered a lot in /r/SuicideWatch. But that campaign specifically pertains to LGBT people, and LGBT specific issues. ', 'At 14, I had a similar problem. My circumstances were different in that self-loathing about my sexuality led to self-destructive behaviour and attitude, but I was in the same rut youre in now.How your life looks at 14 doesnt reflect the outstanding person youre going to become. Youre going to find your calling in life, whether in 2 years or 10, and from that youll make your own way totally independent of your siblings; people will stop comparing you to them because youll be your own person with your own life. Youre going to have new experiences and meet tons of new people, and youre going to hate some of them, but youre also gonna hit it off with others, because thats just how it works. Things might look shitty now, because you have the unfortunate luck of being stuck in a place where people dont appreciate you for who *you* are; for that Im truly sorry, but you know what? Youre gonna climb out of that dump and youre gonna start finding out who you are, and meet others who do love and appreciate you no matter what.What youre going through now is awful, and it may seem like its going to go on forever - but all of this is going to end, and youre going to be awesome. So frickin awesome. ', 'Always clean them. Always. If you dont then you risk infection, which means Tired bad trip to the doctors or worse - the hospital.I used stuff called TCP, a fantastic multipurpose antiseptic. You can apply it with toilet paper, but its much better to apply it with specialised medical gauze. If youre looking to not raise suspicion from people you live with, then just use elastoplasts (also known as band-aids) to cover the wounds once youve cleaned them thoroughly. ', 'Hey, I dont know what has lead you to this, but would you mind talking about it? Whats happening in your life to make you feel like this is the only option?', 'Starvation isnt self harm, starvation would be more akin to attempted suicide. Self harm prevents us from doing anything worse; cuts, burns, Contusion - they mean we dont kill ourselves, and were able to cope. Starvation is a direct threat to your life. If youre feeling like you need to starve yourself, then please see a therapist/councillor or doctor. ', 'Hey, lets talk about this. Whats on your mind?', 'Well if you feel that his work is a visual representation of what youre going through, then Id imagine it would terrify you, as I know it would me. Think of it like The Picture of Dorian Gray. ', 'Well, I dont really find that to be an issue...', 'Dude. **Rule number 1** for SH is *always* keep your wounds clean. *Always*. Infections means questions. Always have a bottle of TCP to treat wounds afterwards, including burns (though sudocrem would be better suited to burns).', 'First off, hi. Youre absolutely right that writing it out helps, because it lets you take everything thats swirling around in your head and arrange it cohesively, where its easier to understand. Reading your first paragraph was like reading some of the things Ive written myself before; when Im feeling particularly... down... I write down what Im feeling. Everything. All of it. So you writing this out is a great start, Id say.Try not to think so much about what others will think about you; the most important thing is what you think of you. We dont always like what we see, because were overly critical of ourselves, but also often blinded by negative emotion. Try not to doubt yourself so much; I know, easier said than done right? But thats probably where youre going to have to start, because until you see that youre an intelligent, beautiful, loving person, then youll struggle to realise your ambitions. You feel like theres no job prospects for you, and I dont know what youre field is or what jobs you hope to get, but as someone in a field of slim chances, I can tell you not to let that get to you. You got into your field for a reason, now let that reason guide your ambition.Things are going to get better for you, because youve hit a low, so the only place you can go is up, and you most certainly will if you give yourself the chance.', 'I wish I could help. I was always afraid my last boyfriend would see my scars (also mostly on my thighs), but I managed to keep them secret.If youre super uncomfortable with people seeing them when theyre exposed and commenting, then tell them first? Lie, if you have to, and say theyre from something else - either way, it would stop unwanted questions. I know from past experience that I just cannot deal with questions.', 'Thanks. I always downvote them because it makes me feel uncomfortable to have them here, like there are people reading through our posts to pry and study us like test subjects. ', 'Hey, I just wanted to link you to this:http://www.reddit.com/r/selfharm/wiki/index#wiki_how_do_i_care_for_burns.3FIts from the wiki, and it will give you accurate advice for treating burns. Always remember to treat your wounds; if can seriously impact your health not to, and trips to the doctors or hospital for not treating it could mean sudden exposure to friends and family about your SH. ', 'If you love them, and they love you, then thats a great start :)What exactly is making you feel like you need to end your life?', 'Then maybe find something outside of your norm, something new to invest yourself in? Finding self-worth isnt always easy, but finding something that gives meaning to your life can be a great thing. You have art; thats absolutely brilliant! Art is an amazing medium of expression, so expand into that area - visit art galleries, talk with other artists on reddit and in real life, look for community art societies and projects.I have to apologise here, but its 2am, and I really cant stay up any longer tonight, but PM me and we can keep talking tomorrow, okay?', 'I think its a perfectly acceptable coping mechanism so long as, as you stated, youre controlling it. As a means of dealing with overly strong emotions/experiences, it beats out pretty much everything else; its easier, quick, and doesnt have many adverse affects - as long as you can keep control. Controlled self-injury means, for me, a life without excessive Stress and a life where I can deal with all the shit I have on my plate. Its worked for 2 years, and Ill probably need it for a few years more, but I know that I can stop if I need to, Im careful when I cut (and obviously always clean the cuts... if it gets infected then Id have to go to the doctors and explain it), and although Im not ashamed per se, I do find that its best not to tell other because they may not understand it.It will be seen by others in the light of loss of control and total inability to deal with things, when I feel its quite the opposite. So yeah, as long as youre in control, keep doing it, but if you feel like its taking over, like its an addiction or always your first port of call whilst the cuts get deeper and deeper and more frequent, then maybe its time to scale things back.', 'Our futures often turn out differently to how we imagined, but thats alright.Dont feel like you need to rush anything, because Emotional upset Pain can last for a long time - do things in your own time frame. Just try to deal with your emotions, and not dwell too much on what could have been, youll be okay :)', 'I know what you mean. And it can come on just all of a sudden. I try to not be a pushy anti-SH person, but Im doing pretty well not cutting (not cut since February), and hope my titbits can help others, maybe. But yeah, evenings are the worst for me. I really struggle some nights, and end up needing my elastic band.... a lot. ', 'I think this is better placed in [/r/StopSelfHarm](/r/StopSelfHarm)?Its just that not all of us want to stop or have any intention of stopping.', 'I dont want you to die.When you look at life through shit stained glass, then sure, its gonna look shit, but life can and will get better for you. Youre at university yeah? Well, I can speak from experience when I say Societies are a great way to find a new direction or purpose, and certainly a great way to meet new people and friends. What do you enjoy? Because theres something for everything, thats the great thing about university.As a gay guy, I can empathise with the position youre in with your mother. You say she would be destroyed, but shes your mother, and chances are, shell still love you. If she doesnt, and/or you are rejected by the rest of your family, then I can tell you that this isnt the end of the world, and you can move forwards.And thats what I think you need most, a direction in life. I cant tell you what to do, but I can tell you that finding yourself a new purpose is something that can be really life changing. If you cant find something through university, look around your local community, is there a project or program that you think you could take part in? Its gonna require you to be more proactive, but I promise you it will give you a new gusto and really help you find where to go.Please dont kill yourself, youre my age, you have a long life ahead of you that will get better. I cant promise its always going to be easy, or that its going to get better overnight, but things are going to look up, and when they do, itll be all the sweeter because of what youve been though.', '> I feel more like it gives me a sense of relief when I feel upset, or angry.Thats exactly how it helps me, but I still feel like Im doing it, I could choose not to if I wanted, but I chose to do it because of the relief it brings.', 'No it absolutely is not a form of self harm. Im extremely disturbed that you think it is, extremely. Self harm is suicide prevention. Of coping. Take your horrible pro-suicide views to /r/suicideology where they belong, they are NOT welcome here.', 'Definitely. Youre weary, and emotionally at your most vulnerable when youre on youre own at night. Your guard is down, youve let loose, and with that comes everything... usually the negative. OP, it helps to try and be around people you love and trust when it feels like too much. You dont need to tell them how you feel or anything; just being around those kinds of people honestly helps. ', 'And thats great that he seems somewhat understanding... like you say, most people havent got a clue, and attach so much stigma and make it such a taboo... to have someone close not judge you is great :)', 'It might seem like your family hates you on the surface, but they love you, and Im certain theyd hate to see you self-loathing and hurting yourself through alcoholism. They dont hate you, theyre concerned about you, because like most families, they only want whats best for you, and seeing you Pain yourself will be upsetting to them. First things first, you need to deal with your alcoholism. Youre not going to be able to get things back on track whilst your struggling with a crippling addiction. Im no expert, but recognising that you have a problem is a great start, and you should seriously consider seeking further support in your local area (or if youre not comfortable seeking it in your local area, then somewhere outside it thats still accessible).Higher eduction isnt everyones calling; thats nothing to be ashamed of. My younger brother failed to get into university, but that wasnt the end of the road, because theres always so many other opportunities out there. Please dont give up, your family can be a great support network, and even if theyre negative towards your failings, theyll be overwhelmingly positive when you do succeed - and you will.', 'The other two responses have given far more than I could, but I just wanted to say that I know what its like writing that note, and how therapeutic I found it. Writing it out, or recording/videoing a goodbye, even when never intended for actual usage, can be so therapeutic. This isnt going to be the case for everyone, obviously, but reading what you wrote, it sounds like you needed to to make some of these pent up feelings feel.... real.I dont know if Im explaining myself, but if you found writing the note helpful, just try recording yourself speaking about how you feel. You dont have to listen to it back, or ever share it, and you can even delete it, but if youre anything like me then it might just help you make your thoughts and feelings more clear.', 'Cutting yourself is self destructive, I used to do that. Hanging yourself, taking a pill overdose, or slashing your wrists open is absolutely fucking not the same as eating a fucking burger. Or even similar to unhealthy coping mechanisms like cutting, or over eating. I dont claim we should do something when people Pain themselves. I never fucking said that so back the fuck off.I said when people try to kill themselves we intervene. Youre absolutely fucking disgusting if you want to support people killing themselves and I will not only report you to the mods for breaking sub rules but you should be reported irl for facilitating suicide. Whereas Id be trying to coax someone off the edge of a bridge, youd be screaming at me for doing so, and demanding that I let them jump. Fucking disgusting. ', 'Ive been in your situation, and it was pretty fucking hard for me to do it - but I kind of just blurted it out (and then felt light headed because she was the first person Id ever told and freaked out a bit just telling her). We were talking about coping mechanisms, and she asked me about what coping strategies Ive consciously used, and I just went for it and told her. I say I just went for it, but it took me a good 6/7 weeks between deciding I was going to tell her, and actually doing it, but it was worth it, because then she helped me deal with it, find better, positive coping strategies that ultimately helped me stop (1 year last month without cutting). So my only advice to you would be to just bring it up. I kind of took my therapist aback, since she didnt see it coming at all (shed asked if I SHd or used any substances in like our earliest sessions over a year ago at that point). But its relevant, and the only way your therapist can help you is if you tell her. Its hard, believe me I know, but to quote some lyrics: "Suck it and bite the bullet".', 'I remember that feeling; its weird how it feels good, isnt it? Conflicted good.Be careful, because once you start going deeper, you dont really go back. Id suggest that if you can go with scratches, stick with them. ', 'Call your local suicide hotline, and tell them that you need to go to the hospital because you think youre about to do something you dont want to; theyll call the police for you to get you immediate help, or give you details on checking yourself into a hospital.', 'Ive never experienced the rush you describe. My blades are always pried from razors, which were not bought for that purpose...', 'Just to note, self-injury can be a controlled coping mechanism as part of an array of strategies, and if you chose, you can begin to wean yourself off SI over a period of time.I think the people who feel addicted are people without other strategies, and rely solely of SI to deal with their problems and emotions.OP, if you feel strongly about continuing SI, then please do so whilst developing other strategies; have someone youre completely open to, write lyrics/poetry/stories/a novel, have a helpline number attached to your computer screen or somewhere youll definitely see, elastic band method (google it), etc. You can avoid addiction by putting yourself in control. It isnt perfect; I relapsed 2 weeks ago after 4 months without cutting, but dont come down on yourself if you do try to stop and relapse, because that makes it worse - instead try to understand why and how it happened, accept that it happened, and soldier on.', 'This is just my 2 pence... but if youre going to continue, you might want to choose less obvious places to harm.Like, I tend to cut my thighs, because they arent visible to the whole wide world. I used to do my upper arms, but that can be risky. See, if people see your injuries, youre going to get *a lot* of agro from it in the form of lots of people asking questions, over-concern, etc. And it can be really stressful and just make things worse for you.Id also suggest choosing a better means of injury, most people cut or burn, and they work pretty well. ', 'It works just fine for me. Im safe, I allow myself to cut only as a last resort or when I just cant deal with something at all. I actually receive counselling/therapy, but Ive been Tired good at keeping them in the dark about this aspect of my life. Its my thing and it works, nobody needs to know, it doesnt affect anyone; theres no reason I should stop.', 'Its an important place to start, because you cant begin to deal with anything else whilst youre struggling with alcoholism.', 'You may think youre not Tired good at videos, but I thought that was brilliantly told; Tired powerful.It Pain me to see when people become addicted to cutting... Ive always felt that Im not addicted, and have a certain degree of control... I guess its once you become addicted that it becomes a problem.', 'This has absolutely nothing to do with morals, it has to do with human rights, which supersede all moral and national laws. If you kill someone, it is murder. > affirmative defensesBullshit argument that in reality means vigilante justice. In a lot of civilised countries, police dont carry guns, guns and deadly weapons are far more difficult to obtain, and as such our crime rates are lower. Look, Im not going to debate this any more, because this is /r/suicidewatch. The rules clearly stipulate that you are **not** allowed to incite or encourage suicide. This place is for suicide prevention **only**. If youre not going to try and stop OP from committing suicide, then either stop posting or Im going to report you and request the mods ban you from the entire subreddit for consistent rule breaking.', 'Im sorry to hear that :/ Its a breach of trust on your moms part. It always hurts when someone breaches your trust, but its far worse when its someone Tired close to you. You have every right to feel angry, and annoyed, and betrayed - everything youe feeling right now is completely valid. That said, do try to take the perspective of your mom, and think about why she did what she did. Im not saying its okay, what she did was completely wrong, but you cant hold a grudge.Therapy can be really great, if you have a good therapist/counsellor. If you dont like the one youve been signed up to - for whatever reason - then you have to make that clear to your mom. But a good counsellor can really help you get your thoughts and emotions out there, and help you clear your mind. They shouldnt push you into immediately stopping - any good counsellor will recognise how important SH can be to us. So, I guess Im just saying that this might end up not being as bad as it might seem right now. But I do wish you luck, I hope you do okay in your exams and get through the therapy okay. > I just wish I could be left alone. And yet Im still posting about it on Reddit?Its different online. Here, you have a screen between you and other people, you can be alone and with others at the same time :)', 'I cut in the same place, and although I wouldnt say I take pride, Im certainly not ashamed of them anymore.I g

Behavior

I really dont think its that limited. Ive lived in 2 countries and 4 cities (3 of which were Tired large). Ive dated many girls, but the closest I found still wasnt actually that close. I dont support the cultures for the topics I want to participate in. Even if my life turned around, would it really be worth the effort? It all ends in death anyway. Why not just skip all the shitty times? Sure I am also skipping the good times, but I wont remember those when Im dead either. I dont think the world cares about what I have to contribute and I base that on putting my heart and soul into my work for the last 5 years and a handful of people care about my work, but they dont care about me.It seems like everyone is in a relationship just for themselves. In the past, my most trusted friends turned on my for some girl I dated and then things ended. They had known me for years, her for months... they picked her over me. I want to give a girl a lot of support. I want to be there for her and have her there for me. But whenever I show weakness, the girls hate it. Its like every single girl I meet (with out exception) wants some douche bag boyfriend who doesnt take anything seriously. Is it really that hard to ask for a decently intelligent conversation? Why cant people handle a single moment of criticism with out feeling attacked? Why cant people understand that instant gratification leads to failure in the long term? Why cant people realize that fucking each other over leads to a less successful long term? Why cant the world just fucking work together?', 'I looked through your post history, and I dont know why you do what you do, but I wish more people would do it.I struggle with day to day tasks because I cant help but immediately try and see how they play out into the future. There are a few things I can do that help limit that. I play the game Counter Strike it has a Tired short round based nature which means I dont really need to plan more than a few minutes ahead.The toughest part about deciding to keep going is that I have looked far enough forward to feel like its all eventually irrelevant anyway. I know that isnt healthy or right and I can be happy here... but that just looms over everything. Thank you.

Indicator

Thanks man.', 'My pleasure, glad I could help. :)', 'Dont be so hard on yourself. I get where youre coming from to a degree. Youve done a lot of self-analysis, you feel almost meta - as if youre watching your own reactions and emotions from the outside and have an internal commentary running analysing and critiquing them.Thats how I was, anyway. Your writing strikes a chord with how I felt at the time. About 11 years ago now I suffered from Depression in a fairly major way. I didnt realise it at the time, but it was characterised by a lot of introspection, self-doubt and a lot of the thoughts Im reading from you now.Heres the thing tho - the dumber you are, the less youre aware of it. Smarter people on average have more doubts about their intelligence. So dont worry so much about your intelligence. Just use what youve got. Love doesnt come into it - you need to get happy with yourself and learn to care about yourself enough to start going after your goals. As clich\xc3\xa9 as it is, unless you love yourself, its hard for others to love you too.Achievement is like getting out of debt - you attack the small goals first and use the snowball effect to stay on a roll. Everything is muscle memory, even those exercises that are intellectual - practice makes **ALL** things easier. Theres no point going after a mountain if you havent figured out how to climb a foothill.Finally, youre young (or I assume you are, given youre studying). Things are supposed to be a little crazy in college, youre supposed to feel out of your depth - use it to feel excited and challenged. Forget the introspection and the internal monologue, if you can (I had trouble with this, it got replaced with a constant mantra of harden the fuck up) and just get out there and **do**.', 'Like any generalisation, this one simply isnt true.Uni was a bit of a horror-show for me, for different reasons than yours. I didnt date much either.It wasnt until a few years afterwards that I found the combination of a different field of work/study, a different city, different friends and *treating myself better* that I began to get comfortable with myself.Apart from the dating side of things, what else isnt working about college for you?Dont make any Rash decisions, talk it out with us first.(BTW, Im {probably} on the other side of the planet and about to hit the sack - I **will** respond tomorrow tho if you need to talk about anything.)', 'There are some assholes here just like anyone.The thing to keep in mind is that *nothing* truly insurmountable.When I was your age I was one year away from meeting the love of my life (although I thought Id met the one at least once previously) and two years from going bankrupt.She stood with me through those hard years, then the times when we made a great deal of money and then lost it all again. If she walked because of your debt, she isnt worth a nanoseconds further thought.You can make friends. You can recover from debt. You can find someone.The only thing that can stop you is to spend all your energy fixating on getting those three years back.(If I dont reply immediately, its not because I wont, Im just about to hit the sack and will reply to anything when I get up.)', 'Where in Australia is she? Do you know?A traveller committing suicide would make headlines anywhere here, particularly if they jumped. Ill keep an eye out for you.If you do get in contact with her, get her to call http://www.beyondblue.org.au/ right now.If she wont do that, then pm me and Ill talk to you about options. Hell, pm me anyway.', 'She knows.My mother and I both have this thing; We can just keep moving forward regardless of how we are feeling in and of ourselves. We dont care how we feel, we just do what needs to be done.I realise now that my understanding hasnt necessarily equated to empathy, although Ive tried to show that.Our psych team has basically abandoned us - were having a rough time financially (mainly because all this is causing major havoc of my ability to work) and cant afford to see them.So were off to the local hospital this afternoon to see their mental health unit that has community care options.', 'You said yourself the biggest problem with ending it is the Pain youd cause those who love you.Your life is a net positive.I know its hard right now. Youre Depression and that causes inaction and a feeling of circling the drain.The only cure for inaction is action, irrespective of your level of motivation. You just need the smallest erg of will to get the ball rolling.', 'Theres a few things Ill relate to here. I know what you mean - I studied to be an Opera singer and graduated from highschool in the top 8% of my country.Destined for greatness? You betcha! Try and stop me!Prickly, standoffish and superior? **In spades**.Then in my mid-20s, reality hit. I wasnt going to be a superstar. My intelligence was great for theoretical stuff, but sadly lacking for the real world - work ethics, good business sense eluded me while my sense of entitlement didnt win me any friends or help me keep any jobs.I wont get into any drug experiences in a public forum, but I know something of this too and saw many friends go under, irrevocably changed from overuse.Heres the thing tho:Youve got decades ahead of you to fix all this. Im not the person I was in my 20s, not by a long shot. Im a lot less selfish, Im pretty good with people, I have a wife and child and my own business which is doing better than I could have hoped.In my mid 20s I had an epiphany. I wont go deeply into it, because its relevant only to me and quite personal. But at its core I realised I hated the person I was. I hated the whinging and the selfishness and the standoffishness. So I simply decided not to be that person any more. The change didnt happen overnight, but the determination to change never left me.So I did. And it stuck. I cant help with the possible drug charges - you may get busted, you may not.But either way, you can choose to accept your fate and continue to suffer or you can say "THIS WILL NOT STAND" and change. Do the geographical cure if you have to (it doesnt always work, but its always an adventure), but *change*. Decide who you want to be and just be it.As to uni - who gives a fuck? My degree is utterly, utterly pointless. I taught myself everything I know about my own industry and business and I wound up teaching others at one of the most prestigious schools in the country. No qualifications, nothing.Itd be nice if we could all go to Harvard. We cant. If someone cares about the institution you studied at rather than the quality of your work, screw em. Make your own way in the world, dont rely on any teacher to give you the whole picture - teach *yourself* and make yourself more than the sum of your courses. Be better than everyone else. No-one can ignore skill, talent and experience.So get out of the house. Take a deep breath. Figure out what you want to do in ten years, not next year. Then live like youre going to achieve that.', 'I went bankrupt in my early 30s. I was caught in a dead-end (but Tired interesting) job with no chance of upward mobility due to the Tired, Tired flat business structure. What had been a good wage when I started became virtually unliveable in Australia even with promotions due to massive cost-of-living increases during the boom years here.My wife got pregnant in our late 30s and the job that Id moved to was going south quickly. Id made enough money in it that I was pretty much square with the few debts that werent provable in the bankruptcy.There was no way I could continue that job and have a family, not in the major capital city I was in.After working my ass off all my life, I wound up nearly 40, living in my parents garage in a tiny semi-rural beachside town with a heavily pregnant wife and no job.Three years later were still in the same town: its an awesome place to raise our two kids. I have my own business which I run from home and is starting to approach the income I was making in the big smoke - but without the exorbitant cost of living.Ive taken up a few hobbies to supplant the things that this town doesnt offer and that I miss from the city.I dont own a house and probably never will be able to afford to - even in this little town they start at about $400,000.But Ive gone from just about as low as you can possibly go in life to happy and modestly successful.The point is not to tell you that my life is better than yours. The point is that 10 years ago I was where you are - a seemingly irreconcilable web of debt, work and location. Thats all gone now and I rarely even have to Stress about money, even if we dont make a ton.Sometimes its not about fixing where you are. Sometimes you need to think a little out of the box and consider options that seem utterly outlandish but can take your life on a completely different trajectory.So who cares about the ones making the world shitty?The world is a better place with you in it, so dont let em have the satisfaction. You can make it.', 'I know someone quite well who is Tired similar to how you describe yourself. After a long association, I came to the conclusion that he had NPD.Hes 40, a multi-multi-millionaire, keeps himself in perfect shape and gets to fuck hot young babes quite frequently.Channel your energies into a business where you have to stay on the absolute top of your game and fight for every cent you earn. He loves out-maneuvering, out-witting and generally just out-lasting all who would take him on. He walks a grey line, legally, but stays just on the white side. Enough to cause him trouble he finds entertaining, diverting and challenging.And he makes a shit-ton of money from it.Or you could go tilt at other windmills. Determine a cause you think is objectively worthy and prove that your manipulations arent just amateur-hour.', 'I can never understand what youre going through. Im not a woman, Ive never experienced sexual assault.No matter what anyone says, it wasnt your fault. It doesnt matter where you were, what you were doing - theres no excuse for rape and those who perpetrate it are the lowest of the low.You need to realise that youre Depression and that you can do something about it.Everything else youve said, particularly the self-loathing and lack of motivation to do anything to make it better is all a symptom of this. I understand that **Tired** well.I spent several years extremely Depression, without knowing thats what I was going through. My flatmate was my closest friend from childhood and he never noticed. I just couldnt be bothered doing anything and hated myself and my life for what I was becoming.It turned out later that my flatmate was also Depression and sought professional help. He came out of it sooner and in better shape than I did.I didnt, but wish Id been able to recognise what was happening and get some help, even tho before that I didnt believe in therapy.Go get some help. Now. Its the starting point to fixing every other element that youre unhappy about. The Pain of rape will probably never completely go away, but everything else is fixable, you just need the motivation to *want* to fix it. Sounds like youre ready to start.

Ideation

That feel bro.Things are going to get better for you, you seem to be Tired bright young man. I really like how you formatted those paragraphs.Some day I believe you will enjoy your life. Please try and stick it out', 'Then Im your man =]I play on NA- Im tincannabiscuits, if it goes by player name then I am Menisz', 'I play league of legends also. I wish the playerbase wasnt so toxic', 'I know you seem hopeless. I believe one day you will find something that makes your life worth it. ', 'I hear that your brain is still functioning even when you are dead..So you will be alive for how ever long and most likely be Tired confused

Supportive

So should I bank on the slight chance that it does get better? Thats why Ill stay alive long term? Ive been like this for four years, with constant Suicidal thoughts. Tried two therapists and meds. There isnt a single external factor, Im okay in school, body image is fine. And Id prefer it to be a permanent, mindless solution- that would make things far much easier. The alternative of staying alive for years and years and years sounds far FAR worse. Yeah, Im a senior in HS, etc, etc, but its like a fucking PART of me and as time continues it just gets worse. I honestly dont care. I dont know why I replied.', 'Yes, I guess I dont want to Pain them either. It always seems like a double edged sword, since if I were to die I could burden them less. Although I dont know how grief works. I dont know. ', 'Ive thought about it a lot, I wouldnt feel sad if either my siblings or parents die. Perhaps a little guilty because I may have been able to do something, but not so far as grief or sadness. I mentioned to my (ex)therapist two years ago that I was considering hanging myself and she brought in my mother and told her. It was ridiculous, she started freaking out. Aside from that, no, I dont like talking about this stuff. I hate burdening everyone all the time.Also- Ive come to conclusion that Im not going to die until my younger brother gets accepted into a good college (hes on an ivy league track), dont want to fuck with his chances, so my parents can finally feel some pride and self accomplishment for once. Ill just drone through life until then. Thanks guys, for responding and caring like this. ', 'Well, I wouldnt be here if my parents were okay with suicide. My point- expressing the frustration that so many people think about suicide and still remain alive. I have a hard time grasping the fact that others can move on with their lives and have the same mental blocks, while I cant handle them.

Ideation

I just took10 more. Okay I threw up a little bit but now I feel weird and bloated.', 'Its not so much that I want to die but Im scared and I dont see a way out. I dont see the light at the end of the tunnel anymore. Its just black. I feel like my life is hopeless so why prolong the suffering. Is there anyone out there? My mind is still racing. Theres no one up

Attempt

I was married to an abusive man.felt Asthenia and Suicidal because i thought there was no way out. My children were separated and i just couldnt handle it all. I lived alone with nothing nearest friends and family are about 900 miles away. The original post came two days before my water broke at 30 weeks', 'I had to say i crazy amount of times to myself but i kept saying the Serenity prayer. I use to be constantly deposed for a few years but the more i said it the better i got.but more than anything you have to believe it and accept things for the way they are. Dance in the dark or die in the daylight i asked myself', 'What city? friends needs to drink water maintain airway', 'Our oldest is Jade shes in first grade and obsessed with Katy Perry loves green red and purple and loves to sing and dance. Shes super tall up to my shoulders and Im 54. Then theres Phoenix shes 10 months old and got her first tooth yesterday shes also starting to walk. And our unborn also a girl i have no attachment to her yet probably due to whats happening its also making it hard for me to name her', 'Youre not alone. Whats wrong?', 'I lived in Ohio now ( at his request a year ago) my family and most friends are back in Florida. Our oldest child is 6 years old and supports me and the " mistress" but likes her a little more due to their constant outings. The others are too young. His family has always hated me and supports him with the new girl. My only choice is to wait until i have the baby is born as Ive been told divorces are always put on gold if there is a pregnancy. To many knowledge i have no choice but to accept everything until the baby is born', 'Thank you this actually means a lot andnot Common cold at all just true. Its hard to look them in the face when everyone is lieing about most of whats happening. We actually have 2 children with the third on the way. But none the less. Being forced to watch this transpire over the last few months is emotionally the most Pain thing. If he could be faithful we could work with minimal counseling but this heads been since day one. Honestly just want it all to stop but legally i cant just walk away', 'Lol thanks i wont.', 'Thank you thank you not sure why but what you had to say really hit me and Im going to hold onto it. I have a prenatal visit tomorrow. Maybe they can help or at least refer me. But thank you', 'I want to make it the next ten weeks but honestly i just dont think i can handle it. I feel bad because as a mother leaving the kids behind it makes me feel even worse butt what choice do i have? The only thing stopping me is knowing hurting myself will Pain our unborn. She never did anything to me how can i play God and risk killing her too?', 'Thank you Im hoping to receive some counseling asap but i have no income or transportation and will have to depend on my husband so... yeah i hope', '-___- i have to wait until Im sure in November', 'no license theres the metro but since have no money Im somewhat stumped', ' is One person who wants to physically change all of this but cannot because he is make and thus will look like an affair in court he lives back in florid hes saving up to move here but until then he talks to me to at least push me to the next day

Ideation

Can you go to a different doctor? One that specializes in dealing with Depression would be more helpful and more knowledgeable with antidepressants. ', 'Neither am I, Im broke as shit. Theres plenty of therapists out there that can help you at discounted rates or completely for free, especially when your life is on the line.', 'It took me a really long time to find the right therapist for me. I need prompting. I cant just talk to a person who barely responds to what I have to say. It has to be more of a conversation for it to work for me - I cant deal with doing all the talking.My best advice to you is to shop around. It took me three years to find the perfect therapist, but Im so glad I didnt give up.', 'Sleeping is a great escape. Its hard to get out of bed some days.', 'Have you tried more than one antidepressant? Oftentimes the first shot isnt the one that works best. It takes a lot of time to find the right one and the right dosage.', 'This is great, made me start my morning out smiling. Thanks for posting.', 'Thanks for this post. Keep fighting.', 'I totally understand. I have such high expectations for myself with school and such that I sacrifice everything else to do well at the things I care about. But I think that finding balance is absolutely necessary. I didnt take care of myself last year and as a result my schoolwork suffered. You have to be able to succeed and love yourself at the same time. Even if you set aside a few extra minutes a day to do something nice for yourself, I find it really helps. Are you seeing a therapist? Mine has really helped me make progress in those areas.', 'Have you noticed any positive effects? Have you tried anti-depressants? ', 'Hey, just so you know, you arent alone. For starters, validate your "shit". It doesnt matter if other people have more or less shit than you, your shit is still your shit and its hard to deal with! Depression, bipolar tendencies, an eating disorder, OCD and Anxiety is a LOT to deal with. Give yourself some credit for that, and dont beat yourself up for it. Last december I was diagnosed with Depression, an eating disorder, PTSD and a panic disorder. Having multiple mental disorders to deal with is enough to make anyone feel hopeless. My PTSD allows me to relate to Billy Pilgrim becoming unstuck in time a little TOO much. So first of all, I highly recommend seeing a therapist. The sooner you go, the better. You shouldnt have to wade your way through all of this without help or alone. You arent necessarily going to find the right therapist on the first try either, so please dont give up. I went through several shitty therapists until I found the right one, but Im so glad I didnt give up. Going to therapy has changed my life. Also, in the meantime try to find little things you can do that you love. Exercise usually helps with Depression, but for me exercise is also a large part of my eating disorder so I have to be really careful. I notice when Im outside hiking I feel a lot more grounded so you may want to give that a try. Also eating healthy foods and enough of those food can help with mood quite a bit (easier said than done with an eating disorder, I know). Lastly, if you ever need someone to talk to, PM me at any time. Its brave of you to open up about all of this. Good luck. ', 'Thats rough, Ive been there. The therapists at my school refused to see me because I was going through a totally unrelated lawsuit. It was messed up. Anyways, Im glad you are going to therapy even if its not ideal. Feel free to PM me if you ever need to talk and good luck. I hope things get better!', 'Getting out of bed? Too hard.', 'I can totally relate. When I do that, I just feel like a failure and a terrible person and the Pressure to do better and to get better is so overwhelming that it can be really destructive and actually make me feel worse. One thing my therapist told me was similar, but offered a fresh perspective on the whole "hold out for your loved ones" thing, and actually seems to help without making my feel guilty.She told me to think of a person I really loved. In this case it was the seven year old girl who I babysit regularly and absolutely adore, and whose parents have been wonderful role models to me. She asked me if I would let my loved one Pain herself. She asked me if I would let her cut herself, binge drink, starve herself, or Pain herself in any way while she was under my care. Of course I answered no. My therapist then went on to explain that I need to work on self-compassion and love. I do a great job at showing that to other people, and so I need to show it to myself as well. Be as compassionate to yourself as you are to others.Hope that helps!', 'Thats horrible, and Im so sorry he said that to you. My guess is that he must not understand the nature or causes of self-harming at all. Do you need help? Absolutely. But he also Tired clearly needs help if that was his response to you. I would recommend that both of you go to therapy, and in addition maybe go to couples therapy together. If he understood what you were going through he would realize the awful repercussions that his words would have on you. And just for the record, you are not Asthenia or pathetic.', 'I have tried this with mixed results. Sometimes it helps immediately by distracting me. My therapist has also suggested squeezing ice cubes to reduce anxiety. However, sometimes I get so fixated on seeing blood after I self harm that I dont even notice the ice, and promptly give into the urges when Im done with the ice. ', 'Have you talked to a professional?', 'Feel free to PM me. Im not a vet, but I have some Tired close friends who are. I also struggle with Depression and PTSD, and am here anytime if you need a friend.', 'It took me a long time to find a therapist that was right for me, and many years of battling Suicidal thoughts. I went through so many shitty therapists that didnt do anything for me and then four years later I found one who changed my life. Its a frustrating process, but its worth it if you dont give up.', 'Is there something that you do enjoy? However small? ', 'Another favorite of mine: "Everything is going to be okay." I have a friend who claims to understand Depression sooo well but frequently tells me things like that. If you are brushing off Depression like its no big deal and like everything will be just dandy then you obviously have no idea what it feels like.', 'Yes, I too would like to hear your story. I think it would help us understand more. Happiness is a fight, its not just something that happens. At least for me.', 'Yeah, exactly. It wasnt "real" until there was blood. And then the sense of relief I felt was huge. Im not sure why that was.', 'If you are over 18, that generally will not qualify for an immediate hospital trip (from my personal experience, anyways). If you are under 18, it may or may not require a hospital trip depending on whether or not your therapist thinks your life is in danger. However, your parents are usually called regardless. ', 'Welcome :) Feel free to PM me if you have more questions. Sounds like you are doing important work. ', 'Look, I grew up on welfare, so I dont have a "rich person wallet" to pay for anything. I struggle with four different mental disorders including Depression and I have found both doctors and therapists that are willing to help me for little or no cost. ', 'Most definitely. I used to get angered by people who were overly cheerful or people that I deemed "too happy". Anyone who said something optimistic while trying to support me was just incredibly annoying. I was pretty convinced that there was no way happy people could ever understand me.', 'Please keep posting. This is great and I really appreciate you posting it. Its important to know that we are not alone and to raise awareness of the reality of Depression.

Behavior

You have heard the saying that on planes that you put the oxygen mask on yourself first so you are able to put the oxygen mask on your child.There is a repeating theme in your short paragraph that you dont want to bother anybody. But what exactly do you think committing suicide would do?> I dont want to bother my therapist this early or at all. I can assure you that if you are getting to the edge of the cliff, she wouldnt care if you called at 3:30 a.m.You really need to work on your codependency issues, and then the rest will follow.> I cant tell anyone how low I feel.Yes you can, you just listed excuses instead.Stop avoiding your problems and anxiety, and start addressing them. If you dont want to be a burden ( I hate that women are conditioned to feel this way) then the best thing you can do is to actively seek help and talk to your husband, and go to the hospital if you need too.

Supportive

Sorry for the late response. Im not saying itll get better - I dont know you, so itd be a worthless statement. I truly believe some people cant get better. I just dont have any reason to think youre on of them.My point was that youve tried a lot. But some things are hard/nearly impossible to solve by yourself. Thats what I was trying to say, and I figured its worth seeing if I could help you with something.Also, and maybe more importantly: if you ever feel isolated, feel free to hit me up to talk. If all of [this](http://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/1hqsfe/no_one_cares/) is true, youd be amazed at how extremely familiar some of those things are to me. ', 'Need to catch a train and doctors appointment after that - Ill respond when Im home :P In the mean time you can answer this: Do you really weigh 85 pounds? In non-idiotic-measurements, thats 34 kg, which would be a small amount for a 21 year old.', 'It was Tired clear to me that you didnt take this lightly - if I thought you did I wouldnt have cared.I recognize your sitation, but I dont know *you*. That means I cannot come up with guaranteed ways thatll make you feel better. It seems to me that you still have aspirations (job/friends/dates), but that your situation hasnt gotten a lot better for the last year or so. I figured maybe if you tell me some goals youd like to achieve (things you want to change in your life), I might be able to help you realize them. For example, if you want to change something in your life, but you have no idea how to get started, I might be able to help you. If you cant get a job and you really want one, I could hear around for general advice (e.g. advice on r\xc3\xa9sum\xc3\xa9, on job interview, etc.). ', 'Sorry, the Internet default gender is male, hence the confusion. Makes sense why NoFap isnt a challenge now :P Aside from that, I kinda feel you might be giving up too soon on some things. Youre a good looking (based on description) 21 y/o woman, even if you were awkward as fuck youd end up with multiple dates. I understand your current situation sucks, and if I believed there was no hope, Id support you if you decided to end your life. But based on the conversation Im convinced there are still ways to get you better, and I cannot support you in not-considering these. I can however support you in finding ways to get you better, so let me know if youre open for that.', 'If you do end up commiting suicide, the decision whether or not you write a note will be one of your last decisions in life. Its worth taking some time to think it through. Writing stuff down gives you a better idea whether or not your decision is 100% what you want. For example, if you try to write a good motivation for suicide, youre likely to discover some flaws in your logic; or some options you havent tried yet. These are worth trying - you want to commit suicide because you feel youve tried everything, meaning that if you havent tried everything you should try the other options. Its Tired likely that there are other options that you havent considered yet.Aside from that, Im not gonna try to talk you out of it. I dont know you and Im no psychic, so I cannot say "youre an amazing person" and "everything will be all right!".All I want to say about it is that youre main issue seems that you think youre "out of options". Think that through.So, on the letter, some other advantages:* people will know it was not an impulsive decision. They will have an explanation, which might help them cope with the loss (trust me, youll almost certainly Pain people). * you can Pain people. This is both an advantage and a disadvantage. ', 'I want to start by clarifying *I dont disagree* with your reasoning. It has reached bestof, therefore I assume it applies to many people. I just want to give my *personal* answer on a question in your text.> If delusion can fuel your well being, then whats wrong with giving into delusion? For me, truth and authenticity are higher values than *feeling happy*. Im not saying Depression is truth/not delusional, heck, I dont know squat about Depression. But when it comes to delusion vs happiness, I would rather kill myself than live a dilusional life. ', 'Then you have to analyze your current situation and change whatever is giving you a hard time. There are always many many things you can change in life. Feeling like shit is the worst, but it does have one good thing - you have nearly nothing to lose. Change things based on what will help you on short term, no long term decisions. If you dont know what to change, just try random stuff. Learn something new (can help you with that); get really really drunk, do a game/movie marathon, ...Assuming youre looking for a job (since you said "its kind of difficult for me to get a job"), you have a lot of spare time. Fill it in as much as possible with varying activities. You might discover that you like something you didnt know.Another tip, try sports (for example, lifting weights). It can make a *huge* difference. A healthy body will make you feel better, even without things changing in your life. Aside from that - things will change if youre doing it right. If youre bodys in better shape, youll feel better about yourself and youll be happier (which doesnt mean its a requirement to be happy, its just something that works).Also something fun: challenge yourself and start /r/NoFap . I dont care if you want to do it, just do it, try it for 9 days. 9 days is nothing; you have nothing to lose, but you may discover a lot by no longer obeying nature (which youve probably done for years). After 9 days, you can do whatever you want (continue, stop, ...).

Supportive

Thanks for the group I will look into it. The person that moved away I just cant talk to anymore, there was a falling out. I guess I am just being unreasonable with what I want. I know I need to tell my therapist how bad I am doing but dont want to end up in the hospital again. But I know if I tell her I will be sent back. I dont know. I wish I could get a second dog, but I cant. He has helped me through so much. I would say the only reason I am here is because of him, I tried to hang myself and he came down to the basement and saw me hanging there and I just couldnt bear the thought of him watching me die and I was able to get on something to stop from passing out. I just dont know what I will do when the time comes that he isnt there. I also just dont know what to do with these thoughts anymore. It seems everywhere I look I get the same response for OCD. You must do CBT it will work. It will work. It will work. But it just doesnt for me. Like I dunno. I just wish I had someone I trusted and understood what I was going through to be near me so I could just be hugged when I am at my worst. ', 'I just enjoy watching it really. I played defense when I played hockey though. Curry is just awesome. I cant explain it.', 'My experience with therapy has been mixed. I am being treated for OCD, Major Depressive Disorder, and Borderline Personality Disorder. I have been in therapy a little over a year, stopped about a few weeks ago, but have decided to go back to it because I am going through an extremely rough time now. My search to find a therapist took about 4 months, and I really cant say I am feeling any better despite being in therapy for close to a year and seeing her every week. The first session is kind of awkward as you are basically telling a complete stranger how you got to this point. The best thing I can recommend, and I have trouble doing this for different reasons, but to be open and honest with your therapist about how you feel.', 'Ya, like I just cant bring myself to go to one. Again, how can one get better when the place they should be makes the symptoms so much worse.', 'Ya, she knows that I am off my medications. She also knows about my other drug use. I will be telling her pretty much everything, but again I just dont want to run the risk of being committed against my will. The issue with my parents is not a Fear of being letdown or nothing happening, it is just that I dont care enough to involve them. My parents just this morning asked how I was doing, and I just told them everything was fine. They asked if I was seeing my therapist still, and said I was seeing her Monday. They asked if I was taking my meds and told them I wasnt. Like, I cant even tell my therapist that I have a plan or anything else I get sent to the psych ward. I tell her that it doesnt help me, but she has to do it by law. So I am fucked in that sense. They just dont understand that the hospital is not a place I want to be regardless of being Suicidal.', 'Unfortunately, where I live there is only 1 hospital that handles psych patients. I would, if I decided to, have to drive 3 hours to get to the next hospital. I have only been in therapy really for like a year. The thoughts prevent me from doing a lot of stuff, they leave me in their control. Everyday, I wake up and the thoughts are there dictating what I do. It takes me an hour to shower because I need to feel right before I get out or I end up have Anxiety attacks. I have obsessive thoughts of harming myself and follow through with them so they stop. I just want them to stop, and all anyone can tell me is that they will not stop but that I can one day cope with them. How the fuck do you cope with intrusive thoughts and violent images of hurting yourself or wanting to kill yourself.', 'The only surgeon my psychiatrist was able to find is in Boston so I am not able to really talk about it. But I am really against the surgery in the first place. Again it has to do with being in a hospital. Even if they were not as active it would still be too much for me :(. My family thinks I am fine because I just dont interact with them. I am able to hide how I truly am from my psych and therapist so hiding from my family who I dont interact with or even really talk to is easy. I tried joining that group but it needs to be approved oh well.', 'I used too :(. But nothing interests me anymore. My fav food is probably curry. TV Show is probably Stargate. Sports would be hockey, soccer, and rugby.', 'It really depends sometimes the pot will help other times it will make things worse. But I dont even have the money for a taxi anyway, or even enough to drive. I understand that my friends dont have the the ability to understand or really how to act around me, because they have found out I cut, among other things. I dont think it is really a major issue, I was let down by my friends oh well. I am fine being alone. But the thought of being around other people, whether it is a support group or a hospital just creates Anxiety. So I try to avoid all situations that cause Anxiety. Hell, I took a year off school because I was continually having Anxiety issues being in class. I have tried making friends with people that I have met at the hospital but maybe i am unlucky and I just end up being in the psych ward when no one even close to my age is there. The time I did meet some people one moved away, and I just dont like being around the other people. I feel so Illness with myself being the way I am, that as I sit here in my room I just look in a mirror and see emptiness. My dog loves me I know that, but I cant keep going in this world with just that. What happens when he dies in a few years, the average lifespan of a cockerspaniel is like 12 years or so and he is almost 11. I know my parents would take care of him if I died, it isnt like he is actually mine. Sure I spend the most time with him, and stuff but it was my parents that actually got him and raised him. I didnt start bonding with him until he was 3-4 years old. Basically around the time my life started becoming fucked.', 'Ya, it is fucked I know. Here is someone that wants help but his own Illness prevents it from happening. I guess that would be normal though. I wish I could believe the violent intrusive thoughts would stop, but the nature of OCD wont allow that. I just cant live with myself knowing these thoughts are there, it is just so crippling to deal with them. I want to get better, I do, but a larger part of me just wants to take the easy way out and just end my life. I cant even enjoy what I used to love anymore. I cant go out in public, or even feel comfortable around anyone anymore because of the scars and current cuts. I havent felt any emotion or pleasure in so many years. I am not sure I am even human anymore or if I ever was. It is just an empty person with no emotion.', 'This is my fault. I let myself get this bad, by fucking up my attempts. Hospitals make things worse for me. I have gone in 4 times and have come out worse then when I went in. My psych and therapist had to have the police bring me in the last time, and I will not be going back to one. I cant get better in one, when I am constantly having Anxiety and Stress issues when in one.', 'Yes, I may be delusional. But again, I will not go to a hospital. I do not get better in one, I end up getting worse because I have Anxiety issues with being around that many people. I end up stressing out because I am in the hospital and have a Fear of them. It just doesnt help me when I am in a hospital.', 'The shitty thing is, is that I live in a small town so no private institutions at least none that are a reasonable distance. As for support groups, I really dont feel that they would help as I dont like telling anyone about what I am going through, at least in person. I also just cant be around that many people, as I go into an Anxiety overdrive and just feel horrible. I have no problem travelling, I have just recently got back from Montreal and put up a facade of having fun. I also just cant get up an leave either since I am in a good paying job, and going to school. This idea of time, is just something that makes me more Depression. How long must I stay like this? What is acceptable? Why should I wait this through when I can just end it all tonight? This Depression has been crippling me for several years, and OCD will not go away it will stay there. I just seem like I am fooling myself by telling myself that things will get better when they havent. I really see no point in going on past tonight. I just...ya... I have no hope left, I see everyone saying try this, try that with no success. It just brings you down when shit works for other people and then it doesnt work for you. Like why bother continuing? I dont see the point.Everyday is Pain to live. I wake up, and every second is thought about killing myself, or filled with obsessive thoughts. It just fucking sucks, and the Illness has taken a toll. My arm is covered in scars, my interal organs have probably been fucked from the amount of ODs that I been through. ', 'I have been basically bullied since grade 1. Started noticing my OCD happening around grade 9 maybe. ', 'You sound like my therapist.', 'I dont see it worth it at all. I have trouble seeing anything be worth it at this point. I really just want to end the Pain that I am in.', '3 Hours isnt too much of a drive, but I just couldnt bring myself to do it. I have too many issues driving, with thoughts of killing myself or thoughts that I may have hit something it just causes Anxiety. The only time I really drive is to go to work. I also dont trust anyone to drive me or want to tell anyone. I am not sure if my therapist is helping or not, I have been in therapy for close to a year and have seen no results so maybe she isnt helping. As for OCD specialists I have none in my area. I cant even begin to explain the intrusive thoughts as they cause so much Anxiety just thinking about them. But it is just like the thought is stuck and wont leave, always there saying the same thing over and over and over. It just doesnt stop. As I have said, I just dont see myself ever being able to cope with the thoughts that cause the most distress. And that is what causes the worst of my Depression and causes me to cut and want to kill myself. Today, I have spent the entire day in my room just Crying that I am still alive and wanting to die just wanting to take more pills to end it and fighting a losing battle to not take them.', 'I dont see it ever getting better at this point. I have been hoping for so long for shit to get better that at this point I have no hope left. I have no will left to live left.', 'I have been looking for new therapists, but with this town so small it just seems impossible. I am quite positive I was on everyones waiting list for about 4 months, got the one I have now and was taken off the waiting lists for other therapists so I would have to start over. I know I am self sabotaging my therapy by not telling her everything but I am just to Feeling nervous and lack of trust to tell her everything because I dont want to get sent to a psych ward. My parents know about my Illness but right now they think I am fine and dont know how I think they would react, probably send me to the hospital. They have threatened to have the police pick me up and take me to the psych ward before when they found out I was cutting again. I just dont enjoy talking or being around them it doesnt bother me that if I kill myself they would be Pain, but I know that if I did kill myself they wouldnt notice for a few days. ', 'Ya, as I said in my original post I stopped them in like September. As for how Suicidal I am, I dont want to answer to that. I would say I am at risk for cutting tonight...', 'For drugs I go through ganja/hash daily, and use coke/e/shrooms/opis every once and a while. Naturally, I feel fine when under the influence but afterwords it is back to the hell and it just makes it more depressing but it allows an escape from it so I dont mind. It isnt that I dont want the help that is available, it is that I have just tried so much that I dont want to send myself over the edge by putting hope into something than seeing it fail. Again with support groups I would try them if I wouldnt be having Anxiety issues around the people. It is hard to explain. As for going to an institution I am still just terrified of them. I mean no one wants to go to one, I realize that. But I have promised myself that I will not be going back to one. I have my reasons for this. I know I must appear stubborn, because there are options out there but I dont want to use them. I have emailed my therapist asking for an appointment but I dont think I will tell her exactly how I feel. I have never really been truthful with her and my psychiatrist about how Suicidal I am. For example, about 1 month ago I tried to kill myself by ODing on prescription medication and didnt tell my therapist until she actually asked me.It seems like I am so wrapped up in not wanting people to know what is wrong with me that I dont want to let people in. I have trust issues I guess as well as Delusional disorder issues. I am just so fed up with shit that I really see myself doing something tonight. Ya, I know I can go to the hospital to help myself and be safe\xe2\x80\xa6 but I dont think I want to.', 'How much is a little more? I have been waiting for 8 years. How much longer must I suffer until I get better.', 'I am not sure what a hotline can really offer me to be honest. I have tried them in the past with no help, usually ended up self harming afterwords. The Hospital is something that I just can not stand, I have been their like 4 times in the past 2 years or so. I just get really Delusional disorder, and end up harming myself more so then when outside of it. My family is not really there for support, and I really dont view them as family to begin with. They are really just there. I feel no connection to them at all. Sometimes I know that if I were to kill myself no one would miss me. Dealing with the intrusive thoughts and the thoughts that I have myself just fucking cripples me. I am to Anxiety to do anything with anyone or be around anyone because of this Fear. So I sit at home selfharming everynight, just hoping I die. I wish I had better things to say about myself or my outlook but I just dont. This shit has been going on way too long, and I just dont have a will to live anymore.', 'Thanks for your response. ', 'I dont see how they can help me. I cant talk to them either, as I cant trust them.', 'I have no one left to Pain. It honestly doesnt matter to me though. My family knows, because the only reason I was let out of the hospital last time was because I agreed to let the doctors talk to my parents about my Illness.', 'I already live at home, so ya, but hurting my family with my death is not really a worry of mine. And moving out or moving to a different place is not a realistic option or I have would have done it by now.', 'It just allows me to unstick my thoughts I guess. Reduces my Anxiety. No routines really calm down my Anxiety. My hobbies, or I guess what I enjoy doing is listening to music, and playing video games. But other things I have tried havent really helped, such as reading/learning new things/working out. I was bullied in school mainly because I was always the youngest in the class, short, quiet, and a geek basically.', 'waiting periods for new ones are too long. Wont be waiting that long.', 'I stopped using drugs, drinking, medication. But no help there. I have too many Anxiety issues to be around people. Something that hasnt been brought up in therapy yet.', 'It doesnt bother me at this point. I thought about the people that would miss me or be affected and the list has no one on it. Everyone has left me, or I simply do not like them.', 'I also should mentioned I checked out that yahoo group, and I dont know it just doesnt seem like my cup of tea. I do appreciate your help though.', 'I sent you a PM with a somewhat detailed description. The thing is I have acted on them before. The obsessive thoughts of harming myself.', 'I have used shrooms, acid, salvia. I cant get a hold of DMT or I would have tried it.I went to one EST treatment, and stopped after the one as I just didnt feel right.', 'Last I checked it was 4+ months for private ones, and 6+ for public ones. ', 'It helps to get it off my chest. But, at the same time just makes me realize how messed my life is and why do I even bother continuing. As I have told my therapist I could live a life with OCD as long as the violent intrusive thoughts of hurting myself or others would just stop. As they are the root cause for the Depression and the way I feel. But I know that they wont stop. I know that they will never go away. So, why bother sticking around just to cause more Pain to myself? Killing myself is a logical solution to me. ', 'Nothing. I have nothing left that the Depression hasnt taken from me.', 'I am not sure what help is left. Going to hospitals and in-patient services have always caused me to come out worse, because they cause immense Anxiety and Stress issues the entire time I am there that I end up lying to get out as Sharp Pain as possible. Medications have been ineffective thus far, and I wont take medications anymore because of the Delusional disorder thoughts that I have about them.', 'Cant get another dog due to living at home, parents just want one. The surgery really just freaks me out. I live in Canada, on the east coast. ', 'Not anymore :(', 'Not that good tbh. I took way too many pills mixed with alcohol and ended up throwing up :(. Not much else to say, I am disappointed that I am still alive. I see my therapist on Monday. ', 'I just dont know. I just Fear that the surgery is something so extreme. Like what if I am misdiagnosed. What if it doesnt work, and I end up worse off. It just isnt something I could see myself doing. Nor, would I ever be able to afford something like that in the first place. It also isnt an option I can just choose to do either. My self harming has become so bad, that I am not sure why I even do it anymore to the point that I feel light headed. It is out of control just like my OCD. It seems everything in my life is out of control.', 'Ya, I mean I am going to tell my therapist that I am not doing so well. But, I already know what will happen. They dont listen to you. As soon as I say I am Suicidal, but I dont want to go to a hospital because it makes things worse, they will get a court order again and force me there. Regardless of what I say, I have no say in my treatment because they just see me as someone who is Suicidal and where I live again the hospital is meant for short time stays. And I cant just leave my job and drive 3+ hours on the hopes of getting into some clinic that I dont even want to go to in the first place. I know a psych ward/clinic is a place to stabilize and it may work for other people, but it just fucks me up even more. I also appreciate your help with these sites, but none of them and I havent found any yet that actually address or attempt to help with the intrusive thoughts that I have. I dont even talk about them here, or with my therapist so I dont even know how I would bring them up on a separate website. ', 'Its a 10 year old cockerspaninel that is prety spoiled lol. he sleps with me every night i love that guy. I jusyt dont think sending this to her is a good idea because she willl know i have a plan and date and i can not go back to a hosptial. I would rather die.', 'I would say so. I just feel like I am helpless because the things that I have tried and have offered to me just dont seem to help with my main symptoms. Again, things do work for my other shit like checking doors, locks, cleaning, etc. But for the main thing it doesnt help. I feel like I am wasting peoples time, because it eventually gets to the point where all that someone can say is give it more time, and I do, and nothing changes, and it just makes things worse. Too make things even worse, it seems someone at my work noticed my write up, and I had a really fucking awkward meeting with HR. Told them everything was fine :(', 'I have tried calling the hotline here in Canada, a few times with no real help. I mainly lock up because I just get Delusional disorder they are going to send someone to pick me up and force me back into a hospital. Too late on the cutting anyway.', 'Psychiatrist, Therapist, parents I dont care about so it isnt an issue. As for being in shape, I would say I am average, 62 200lbs. Again, OCD isnt going to be fixed through the same means as Depression. ', 'I honestly dont know, and that is what makes me feel helpless, and hopeless/. Because, I know that this works for the majority of people, and I just see it not working for me. And i hate mysealf for it. i feel like it is my fault. i feel like i let myself get this way. sorry been drinking, so i may make typoes.', 'I have searched for therapists basically within a 2 hour drive radius of where I live. I know my Feeling Feeling nervous and lack of trust is hindering me, but it is part of my ocd and Delusional disorder delusions. I find it easier to talk over the internet due to the annonymity, the fact that I dont have to worry about being forced into a hospital, and I can talk to someone who has an understanding of what being Depression is like. I am just so strung out from this shit that I dont know, I am just too concerned with what people will think or say that I am too embarrassed to go to the hospital as a factor. I know that I should say fuck it, but I just cant think that way or bring myself to do it. I know I will probably end up dead if I dont get to one. It is like I am standing in the headlights of the car and am just stuck not wanting to move knowing that I should move. ', 'I sent her email detailing what I have said in this thread. She says she has "some new materials for you that I think you will find interesting and helpful". But I just dont see that happening. Can I hold out until Monday who knows. But even then I dont see my mood changing or seeing how the therapy can help in the short term. I know I should go to a hospital especially since I tried to OD last night. But I just cant do it. My priorities are fucked.', 'Murphwhitt, I have been on a high dose of something ( I actually forget the name) for about 4 months or so before I stopped because my mood wasnt changing, and I felt myself feeling more Numbness at times. ', 'I dunno, i have seen like 4-5 psychiatrists and they all say the same thing. I just feel completely hopeless, and feel like i am wasting peoples time I guess. Like I am a burden.', 'There is, but I dont like being around the people there. So I just Chill with my dog, and we seem to have fun. He also hangs with the neighbors dogs. As for the instituiton i dunno. I want to get better, but I dont want to go to one. I would seriously [prefer to die. The Fatigue from thsi shit is unbearable. I just want to self harm more tonight i just cant stop and it is a part that makes me feel more Depression. it just sucks that my ocd feeds my Depression and self harming, and the Depression and self harming feeds the ocd. I am stuck in a loop. ', 'Ya, I suppose so. I am just so terrified of hospitals/clinics that I would prefer the alternative of if I didnt go into one. I just hate the way that I am treated in the hospital like a fucking child. Under supervision, not allowed to go outside to breath fresh air. At least in a prison I can breath fresh air. ', 'Well, I can see how it is confusing... But it is just how I think I guess. Always planning and thinking ahead, it is a part of the ocd really. ', 'The ones listed are ones that I have tried. I am currently meant to be taking Sertraline. ', 'I have no curiosity really. At least not anymore. I try looking out into the futur adn dont really see myself geting better. ASo it just makes me more Depression as shit and just wanting to cut becuase it is the only thin i have ever known. I have a dog and i love him to death, he has helped me through so much. I could email it to her, i dunno. Sorry for the typing I am slightly intoxicated right now. Like this life i live sucks, fuck this shit. ', 'It has been, but they just dont seem to care about it.', 'Nope. My friends left me after they found out about my Illness. And I severely dislike my family members. I just dont identify them as my family.', 'I have called a hotline twice, both were quite frankly fucked. The first time I called I got a message saying they were busy and then the line disconnected (automated). Then the second time I called I was just clueless as to what to say or do, and it just ended up with the same BS of go to a hospital, your life is worth living etc. Then when I mentioned I was self harming they asked if I was doing it right then, which I was, and said they couldnt continue to talk. I have never been honest with my therapist because I have major issues trusting people, which stem from being in Junior High School. I have told her truthfully once that I was thinking about suicide and she ended up having me committed to a hospital for about 1 month which didnt help me at all if anything it set me back. I guess my biggest Fear is telling my therapist how I truly feel, and her sending me back to the hospital and me having to deal with the fallout from that.As for the medication I have always been on high doses of every medication I have been on. A short list would be prozac, zoloft, celexa, luvox, seroquel, risperidone, zyprexa, zygess, geodon, haldol, and lithium is what I remember. Obviously not being on those all at once, but ya. I just am Tired of the shit not working.Like I havent even mentioned all the other shit that is going on, maybe I should\xe2\x80\xa6 I dont know. I am just so fucked up that I dont tell anyone what is really going on because I am fearful that they will just run away. I wish I could say I would be safe tonight, but with how things are going I dont see that happening. I see myself not ever getting better. My psychiatrist wanted to see about sending me to some clinics in the US but havent heard back from that yet. She mentioned I could try surgery to help my OCD but I dont want to risk the surgery fucking up and making me worse off then I am now. I dunno, I appreciate you talking with me though.', 'I cant be around more then 2-3 people, as I end up having Anxiety attacks. Plus seeing other people happy generally brings me down as it reminds me of what I havent felt.', 'Not that great. Slipping further away I guess. Last night was not a good night :(', 'I loved someone once for 3 years. They left me the minute I said I was Depression :(. I cant trust anyone anymore enough to even form a friendship let alone love. I barely eat anymore as it is. I went clean for 4 months with no noticeable effect. ', 'Hey, I am still here. I just needed to take a break, have a smoke and sleep, as I was getting a little down. I havent told my parents, and I know I wouldnt ever tell them. It just isnt something I want to do. I think a large part of me wants to die. But, a small part is preventing me from doing it and that small part is getting smaller and smaller with each passing hour and day. ', 'The thing is, is that I just dont care enough about them to even bother. Nor do I even really care much about myself. Like I want to get help, but a large part of me is telling me that I am only getting help because that is what someone should do. That large part is telling me to just do it and end it. I am just so caught up in this Illness that I dont know what is true anymore.', 'Everyone, really. ', 'That part gets smaller and smaller every day, and every hour. Eventually and shortly nothing is going to be left. ', 'I have had bad experiences in the past with hotlines, and I cant bring myself to verbally say this shit to people. It just seems more real, if I speak about it, as opposed to typing it. Plus, I dont want to be a burden on you I am not worth it.', 'The situation is that essentially from the Age of 5, when I started school, I have been bullied, Depression, developing OCD, developing psychotic thoughts. The OCD primary symptom is having extremely graphic and violent thoughts and mental images of harming myself and others. They are too overwhelming and I cant keep dealing with them. I have tried numerous coping methods, but none have worked.', 'Ya, I dont think I can Stress that I need a clinic because I will not be going to one. As for putting off killing myself, I just dont see that happening. As for parents, I just dont want to involve them. Like as I said, I know that a hospital is safe. But how can I get better in one if they cause too much Stress and make me want to lie to get out. I just dont see the benefit in going to one, other than prolonging the amount of Pain I am in. A institution would be the same thing as well. I dont know :( I wish I had the courage to just cut deeper to end it. ', 'Ya, but it isnt my cup of tea. ', 'That is what people say, but I have been hoping for that for so long. How long do I wait. How long do I suffer, for something that I have never seen.', 'I dont know. I guess I can send this to my therapist. But ya, i dunno. Again I cant go back to an institution. My experiences in there have always been bad. My first time going to one was when I was 13 after my first attempt and I was put in a safe room for about 1 month and just basically told that I was fine and I just tried cutting my arm open for attention. Then I went back into one during the second year of university and was pumped full of drugs and sent home after 1 month still feeling the same way, I just wanted out. The third time was about 2 months after I was released and the same shit told my psych I was still feeling Depression and back in I went pumped full of more drugs then sent home feeling worse than before. Then the last time was sent there before I could attempt and put on more drugs then sent home. I just have lost hope in ever getting better, and just thinking about how fucked this past has been has made me want to Pain myself even more. I am at the point really where I cant handl;e anything anymore. Scared that if I tell the truth to my therapist that she will want to put me in a psych ward. I just cant go back to one. I just cant. ', 'I dont know, as you know my experiences with the hospital are terrible. Where I live if you tell them you are Suicidal you are sent straight to the psych ward, no real option. I just dont know what to do, if on Monday it is just the same shit. I really dont think I can handle that let down. I dont want to go to a hospital but know I should because I know I am not safe\xe2\x80\xa6 I am messed up and these intrusive thoughts just arent helping.', 'Believe me, I have tried occupying my mind. These thoughts overpower it, and just cripple me emotionally and are to overwhelming to keep living with.', 'Ya, I am doing fine I guess. I just needed to get some air, grab a drink, and clean a few cuts. Like I just dont know what to really say or tell. I have psychotic episodes that I dont really tell my therapist or psychiatrist about, or at least not the full extent of them. I dont tell them how every morning I wake up wanting to commit suicide, or that I have a plan, or even a date. I am haunted and tormented by obsessive thoughts of violence towards others and myself that I just want to kill myself when they occur. I havent told the therapist or psych about the Delusional disorder thoughts/delusions that I constantly have. The surgery just freaks me out because it is not guaranteed to work and it can cause other side effects such as memory loss and loss of intelligence. So here I sit, with a plan that I want to carry out but to Feeling nervous to do it in case it fails and I have to go through to the hospital shit again, but who knows.', 'Yes, I dont have schizophrenia because I am aware of my thoughts, and have only been in full blown Psychotic disorder a few times. I have had a brain scan, etc and everything checked out. And I have researched my symptoms. I have dedicated my school career to trrying to understand myself and find

Attempt

Thats what Im trying to do. But I have no money. I need to pay off rent in May or all my roommates get evicted.', 'Besides Planned Parenthood, where a friend had told me to go, there isnt really anywhere else to go. And Ive tried practically everything, especially getting a job, but now Im just feeling hopeless. And I cant ask my mother for money anymore.

Ideation

They will, they will look down on you because they dont understand you, just keep being positive. I dont know your living situation so changing your environment could be difficult. Sometimes you have to push through your current situation until a better one arises. ', 'Its tough, my junior year I had to go through a bunch of shit, I almost didnt make it out. Im in my senior year and so far its getting worse. I dont know if Ill make it through christmas break, winter is always the worse time, but hell. I figure Ive made it this far, might aswell keep going.', 'A lot of people are like that, but if you give it some time and if they see you are really trying they will be supportive and treat you normally. Give yourself a chance to turn it around, promise yourself not to do it until youve Exhaustion all other options, for yourself, for those who love you.', 'You can plant a tree in a pot and give it all the time in the world, but it wont grow, you have to put it in the right environment so its roots can get the nourishment they need and it will grow steadily. Youve inserted yourself into a pot and waited for something to happen, you need to put yourself into a nourishing environment. And as for a reason to keep going, think of the people who will be devastated if you do it and who genuinely care for you. ', 'Personally Id be blunt about it, but it all depends on the type of parents you have, you could have someone else tell them, you could try giving hints, or, like I mentioned, just tell them, something along the lines of Hey mom do you know where I could see a good counselor? or Hey mom do you mind taking me to see a counselor? ', 'People will always be negative nancys, they will bring you down, you have to be the positive person and bring them back up.Saying you HAVE to stay there or be a failure is the opposite of where I live, if you dont leave youre a failure, its all relative so dont let them confine you. We all have those bad experiences, dont forget them, but dont dwell on them, learn from them. Dont feel bad for Crying EVER, if someone makes fun of you for Crying they probably are worse off then you they just dont want to admit it. And lastly... I care about your life because you could be someone I know, someone I love, and someone I care about, and after all of this you have become someone I care about, someone I know, even if only what youve told me, and now I just want to help you in any way that I can. ', 'I used to be that guy, I wanted to do art but I wasnt a good artist. I was Asthenia (overweight, not underweight) and I was pretty much just a guy who told some jokes and didnt do much outside of school. The change happened randomly, I dropped a lot of weight, built some muscle, and gave being social some serious effort. I regret not seeing a therapist though, and you really should look into it, it will help you.All it takes is some effort, read about concepts of art online, learn the different styles, maybe graphic design isnt your cup of tea but a different style is. And pick up a weight, jog some, switch to a healthier eating style and bulk up a bit, you will be surprised at how easy it can be. Good luck bro, you got an entire community here for you.', 'I may be a bit late to the ballgame but honestly Im having a relapse of this feeling and Im amazed its such a shared feeling.Recently Ive found that I really dont care about anyone, I told myself I love my family but I dont think thats true. All I do is sleep and just move along with life. But then theres that one day where some person makes a small impression on me and I care again and its annoying because it makes me think Ill start caring about life again but I dont. And theres the flip side of the coin where someone makes an impression on me and I start hating everyone.Anyway just know your not alone. ', 'I got out of it because I realized why I was in it. I had a mentality that was self-destroying. I was a pessimist and I didnt do anything to help with my situation. Then one day I woke up and pretty much just said "Fuck it." I improved my situation by improving my mentality. I lost weight, I gained friends, and I made a plan for myself. Everyone whos struggled with Depression has relapses, but for me, on average, each day is better and better. ', 'Poor word choice in my case, but the best example I can think of is someone dealing with a low paying job that they hate, but they keep working with a positive attitude and doing their best until they get a promotion or better job offer elsewhere. If you cant change your environment you can improve it, what exactly about it makes it so horrible for you?', '>I dont understand how people can wake up to a job they dont really like, go through the day, and still be relatively happyHonestly most people who are like this probably feel about how you do. They probably arent too happy, but they focus on the reasons why they have to do their job to get them through the day.And maybe that type of job will get you to meet new people, you never know. Sometimes you gotta roll with the punches until you can find a break. ', 'Then you just need to convince yourself you have a lot going for yourself and boost your self-esteem, look at the pros you have and live life displaying those. And your welcome, Ill help anytime.', 'Im right there with ya man, Ive done the list before, and Im sure there are more reasons we can add to the "reasons to live" column. If you need someone to talk to Im here.', 'The way I see it is that if I kill myself, yea Im going to Pain some people. One friend told me about how much it would Pain her and that just kinda broke me.But on the other hand, one day the Pain I feel will outweigh the Pain everyone else would feel, and when the scales tip in my favor, Ill be gone.', 'I wake up each morning with that same mentality of being done with it all, and slowly my character of being happy and joking seems to take over, its odd.Im in my senior year now and its just the same shit, different year. I dont sleep much because I just hate that feeling of waking up, Im constantly sleep deprived, and I get so angry in school I have to walk out of my classes daily. Its weird, my Numbness switches to so much Feeling angry I sit in class Tremor sometimes. I have someone I talk to, a guy I met over the summer who is in the same situation as me, and just chatting with him calms me down and makes me feel a bit more at ease. If you can find that person, just one person to talk to, not to give you advice, but to just chat with and vent to, it helps so fucking much. ', 'You need to work on that self-esteem, others only think your as good as you think you are. What about you makes you have low self-esteem? Single them out and work on them.If the girl says she likes you she most likely does, change your mindset from why would she like me to why wouldnt she? Everybody has positive qualities and she probably finds those in you that she really enjoys. Everybody has those doubts, its nothing major and dont get too worked up over them, but dont ignore them either. You need to find a happy medium and that changes from person to person. Just remember theres always atleast one person looking out for you who cares, rather it be a stranger online or a family member. ', 'Welcome!', 'Im better now, I still feel the hits every now and then, but it was a long time ago. Im mainly Worried that shell see me differently now...', 'Yea parents can be oblivious but they do care, just give them a chance and sometimes they can surprise you with what they can relate about with their own experiences. ', 'Itll be tough, the first step always is, but youll feel better once you have someone face to face to talk to about it, from what you said it seems both your mom is closer to you and vice versa so Id tell her. ', 'Just letting him know "Im here for you man, whenever you need it, know that." Can mean a lot.Its best to let someone tell you theyre Depression instead of prying them about it.', 'You have any info on meds? Which ones work for what and whatnot?', 'How old are you? Because if you are still in High school then odds are you havent seen the person you will end up falling in love with. Also if you dont think you can get over the feeling then you can read this article, its helped me out before on that feeling. http://bthaw.blogspot.com/2011/08/guide-to-limerence.html', 'Pm me anytime you want, if I dont respond within a few hours its because Im out with the family or some friends and Ill be back soon, I will always reply as fast as possible if you need me, and maybe the pastor forgot, just remind him and try to add a sense of urgency, or maybe he did tell your parents and your parents didnt take him seriously.', 'This helped me get over the first girl I fell for. Im not sure if its going to help you, but give it a shot. http://bthaw.blogspot.com/2011/08/guide-to-limerence.html', 'Yep, but honestly reading this thread has reassured me for some reason, it seems that since Im not alone in feeling this then maybe its normal, maybe everyone feels it but no one shares it and Im normal. Its grasping at straws but oh well.In all honesty it is really annoying to go through a smooth ride of not caring to be thrown a curve of feelings for a little while just to have it stop just as youre enjoying the change of pace. It seems the only escape from this is sleep which I dont mind.', 'Thats their job! They want to listen and help! Definitely go through with that appointment. ', 'I was ugly a year ago.I had a head of hair that I had not cut in half a year that was growing each and every fucking way. I didnt even know what shaving was so the patchy facial hair shit didnt help. I was 250 lbs and 5 foot 7 inches. I wore faded shirts a size too big and baggy ass jeans. My glasses were crooked and scratched and I just didnt care anymore.I changed all that though. I found a haircut that didnt make me look homeless. I shaved and now I keep clean shaven. I lost a good 90 pounds and put on a tad of muscle, and I found clothes that actually fit me. And most important of all, I found some confidence. If I can go from the person I was, that ugly person, then you can too. Im not saying you can be a male model, but you definitely can look better.', 'Dont bombard her with it gets better type phrases.I dont know if shes allowed a phone, but if she is, just sending her a message letting her know you care, I have a few saved on my phone for when I feel like letting go, and they help me to smile for a bit.If she cant have a phone, see if you can write her a note for her to keep saying the same thing. As for conversations, sometimes sitting there quietly and just putting an arm around her can say more than any words. ', 'But then shell be so happy when you manage to conquer the Depression and come out as a better person. ', 'Your Welcome. I dealt with my best friend trying to comfort me after I got drunk one night and told her about my Depression. Its scary. Also remember that the last thing any Depression person wants is pity. ', 'You may think so but I dont, the fact that you realize you make mistakes makes you a better person then most. What reasons cant you get help for? Also it doesnt matter if your gay or straight, people blow it out of proportion to be honest.', 'Life is an investment, you put time in, sometimes you get a profit sometimes you end up with a loss, you dont just accept the losses though. Youve put in this much time, Get something out of it!I gotta head off now, but anytime you feel down or Stress Im down to talk.', 'I havent been diagnosed professionally yet, but I know something is there. I can tell its Depression, just not how severe. One day Ill go to a therapist or something, but I have a general idea of what it is. Some person with a degree telling me what it is doesnt seem needed.', 'You can always change your circumstances, whether or not its for the better is for time to tell. If you really get stuck in a horrible job situation you can always change venue, I mean, your young, its cliche for me to say you have a lot of life ahead of you, but its true.', 'Then what do you care about? Everybody has something, it may be something you do for a hobby, it can be a pet, it can be a person you know or havent even met yet. ', 'I never had any close friends until these last two years but now I find myself not really enjoying their company anymore because I dont like the way they act, then I take a step back and realize I act the same entire way. The point is that if J and M lied to your face about hating you, J probably hates M and vice versa, a Tired dysfunctional group. You dont want to be a part of that group anyways, itll have the possibility to turn to shit in one weekend, as Ive witnessed myself. I cant promise you that youll make new friends easy, but I can promise that if you keep trying it will change, for the better or worse, its up to you to make happen. ', 'Well in that case then dont tell here, read that guide on limerence article I referenced, it helped me a few times. And if you cared about her friendship you wouldnt end it, youd just keep being friends, a lifelong friend is worth a lot and you should never throw that away. ', 'Convince her its not a phase, convince her you need professional help, and if youve attempted suicide I doubt its a phase. Maybe she thinks its the whole every teenager goes through "Depression" and they wont do anything self harming that seems to be the norm today.', 'No life is worth throwing away, remember that. You can change your attitude with some effort. Nothing you have tried brings you joy, maybe you need to find that one thing or one person that you will love. You just need to go out and meet new people and try new things, and keep going. ', 'The first reason is something that cant always be helped. What do you mean by my family doesnt treat whoever has a problem like some leper? And you may feel like you let them down, but imagine how theyll feel if you kill yourself. Also I believe your family would learn to accept you for who you are even if youre not straight, theyre your family and theyll love you. ', 'In that case disregard what I said about being in high school.Im assuming you havent told her yet, so think about it like this. You have 500$, this 500$ is yours, you wont lose this 500$, but all of a sudden someone offers you a bet, you could 100x your 500$ but you could also lose that 500$ and be broke. The chances are that youll lose the 500$ but theres always that chance youll end up being rich.Im not going to tell you to gamble your friendship or not as its a choice you really have to make yourself, but if youre not happy, youre the only person who can make you happy.', 'Document your story, what led to this? Give us some background on this. A different perspective will help and we can provide that. Give us a chance.', 'Why not at least tell us your story? Maybe someone can help you if you just tell us why it doesnt matter anymore. Why you feel so down on yourself? And there is always something you can do about it, but sometimes you just dont see it as an option at the time.', 'Sometimes these posts take a bit to get a reply.If you enjoy programming, go for that. But finish up your highschool year. Power through this year, take some slack classes senior year if you gotta, and then either go to a college designed for programming and the computer sciences or find a program that trains you for that specifically.', 'I was 55", 15 years old, 280 pounds. I went through life eating food as I pleased, binging on that stuff. I guess looking bad when days were rough and I got low Id fill up my plate and eat away any feeling. One day I woke up, said fuck it, and decided to lose weight. I kept a log, I kept it going for 42 weeks, lost over 90 pounds, without any support, no one saying "you keep going!" or "Good job!". I kept my head down, and powered through. I dont know how I did it, I didnt try to find some motivating bullshit post aspiring me to do it, I just did it.My advice: dont just not eat, I tried that, I got sick. Food repulsed me, I couldnt eat more than a few bites of bread for a whole week. I was tired, groggy, it was awful. It took me months to get back to eating without hating myself. Start slow, count calories, if you gotta keep a notepad to write down what you eat and the calorie intake, FUCKING DO IT. I walked around with my phone calculating everything I ate. Dont overdo yourself, I lost 20 pounds in 3.5 weeks, bad idea. Say you burn 2k calories a day, if you eat 1700 a day, youll lose a pound a week.Dont accept that mentality of "Ill be fat forever". Only you can change you. ', 'I felt the same way at pretty much the same point in my life. I was in my Junior year of high school, I just started being social, and I was that funny guy who was usually happy and cracking jokes. But in reality I was numb.If you have one good friend, one super close person, someone you can talk to, it helps. >if it helps Im willing to give specific details of what Im Depression about (if I even am Depression)If youre comfortable sharing, go ahead, Ill gladly listen.', 'Your welcome, it was my pleasure to help. And I am above ecstatic that you are going to give it more time. And we all have those days, sometimes its not just days though, and it can be weeks, months, or even years, but they end, they will always end. To start with getting help you need to find someone you trust, can be a friend, family member, pastor or youth minister if you go to church, tell them your situation, and then you can try to pursue professional help. Something I never did when I went through it was get a buddy, someone you can text when youre feeling down and being irrational, someone who can put your world in a new perspective and help you at any time. Also just remember this one thing for me, please, just remember, when youre down on yourself and think nobody cares... Im here... Im hoping... I believe in you and above all, I care. ', 'You seem to just really lack motivation, you have to realize the first step is the hardest (super cheesy but true) and from there it does get easier. Showering makes me feel better, just make it routine, wake up, go into shower, get out, brush teeth, apply deodorant, put on outfit. It makes you feel fresh and new. Your science supervisor doesnt define where you can and will go in life. He may say youre not good enough but you are, and scholarships and grants will help pay for universities that you want to go to. You can change and will change if you just put the effort forward, dont let yourself down, or your family down, or anyone else down. Your young and have such a future ahead of you, just keep going.

Indicator

Im actually reading a bit more about it and it just seems like I am fine. Do admit though its a bit scary. Thanks for the help', 'I could deserve it, sure. I wouldnt want to.', 'Still fine. I dont get why people try to stop people from killing themselves if thats what their choice is. And I dont understand how killing myself is selfish or anything, because at any point I see myself suffering the most out of everyone.', '2 pills and half a small bottle of gin. I have never taken oxy and I havent drank in months. I think Im overreacting but this feels so intense.', 'To help do what? I meant if I was to continue, Im only perpetuating the cycle. People like me arent meant to thrive and reproduce.', 'I think Im gonna take more. The whole point was to make me feel good but I still cant stop Crying and now Im wide awake. It was scary but Im honestly kinda pissed it couldnt finish the job.

Behavior

Im so glad I was able to help in some way. If theres anything else you want advice about, feel free to ask me, and Ill do my best to answer. I really hope everything works out alright for you.', 'Oh, damn, I feel so bad for you. Ive been through similar things. I was planning to kill myself in 8th grade (that was two years ago), and Im actually planning to kill myself tonight, but I feel like I can relate to you and possibly help you, so Im going to stick around for a bit longer, just to post this. First of all, youre not being an attention whore. Youre reaching out for help, and you deserve help. Your feelings and problems are absolutely valid and real. You seem like a Tired perceptive person, definitely not some kind of shallow teenager who blames her parents and complains about everything.It seems to me that youre suffering from depression, and probably an eating disorder. Depression is Tired serious, its not something that you can just get over, and you absolutely do need help. The Feeling hopeless and Feeling unhappy you feel isnt your doing; its an imbalance of chemicals in your brain, as well as a completely valid reaction to the Stress in your life. Its terrible to feel like youd rather die than live, and you deserve better. Is there anyone youd feel comfortable talking to about this? Like your sister or your girlfriend? Talking to someone wouldnt make you an attention whore. This is the kind of problem that you cant face alone.Also, from what youve described, Id say your mother absolutely is emotionally abusive and manipulative. Theres a difference between effectively punishing a child and being unnecessarily cruel to them. Your mother is being cruel and manipulative, and she has no right to treat you that way, no matter what happened to her as a child. She is responsible for your pshyical and Emotional upset wellbeing, regardless of whether she thinks of you as a "good daughter" or not, and it seems like shes done some serious damage to you. You shouldnt have to put up with that. Id suggest that you try to talk to a school counselor about it. It wont destroy your family, it will get you and your mother the help you need.If you want to recover from this, youre probably going to need medication and therapy. You deserve to recover and feel better, so you should absolutely try to get the help you need. I know it feels like people wont believe you, but I completely believe you, and there are others out there that understand what youre going through. It isnt too late for you to get help.I really hope this helps. Again, Im so sorry that you have to deal with this shit. Ill be here for you as long as Im still alive, if you want to talk to me.', 'Hi. I dont know how much help I can be, but do you wanna tell me whats bothering you?

Behavior

Thats not how it ends.', 'Problems are different for everyone. But sometimes, it does help to often look at what you do have. Its the hardest thing in the world to think positive, I know. But you just gotta try it over and over and over.', 'How much longer until you can leave? the house I mean....', 'ADD. at least that what is sounds like.', 'You make sense. The final cut. The nerve I never had. It prolongs. But is there really hope?', 'Manifesting hope in some I dont quite know (as friendly as you seem) is risky. ', 'Thismay not work for you but its worth a try. Tell me, do you dream often? ', 'Ya I hate this fucking game. Knew this shit would happen. Good night, fuck you, and hopefully this will end.', 'It cant change. People do it everyday with no impact...', 'I can understand the feeling of not feeling brave because you are too scared to end it. I get that. It feels Im not brave enough to get over it and not brave enough to end it... I get that... but sometimes I look at the past and I wonder, everything I tried but chickened out on, Maybe Im stronger than o think for lasting this long... do you see that?', 'I cant go through with this vicious cycle much longer. I see hope? for how long till it is ripped from me, further building the wall. I want help. But I feel I cant. Please. What do...', 'More like just a Sharp Pain fix that brings you lower than you were before. ', 'You think you can wait that long?', 'I have tried so many things. Counsel. Meds. Drugs. Nothing works. They just add to the wall. I am alone. I always will be. What does my death change then?', 'That Fear of what waits on the other side is all thats kept me here, makes me a coward,really, but Im glad you are fine now.', 'For the most part, everything you say is true. But what does this change... really', 'Its this fucking wall. I cant. I separate my self from the world. God. This is insane. No one sees. I try to reach out. Him, her, them, they all turn away, break me. they are just another brick in the wall. Each brick etched with the engravings of things past done. People past known. Each brick further separating me from ever changing. Being alone. I dont want to be alone. I think I can scale it. Sometimes it seems I could escape. But it was only a fantasy. The wall was to high, as you can see. No matter how hard I try I can not break free. And worms eat into my brain.', 'Its funny how everyone can tell someone else not to do it. But no can tell themselves... anyway, I have a few questions. Are you Suicidal because you are straight? Or did you just lose your closest friend that helped you with other problems. And how confident are you about whats on the other side?', 'In the end how far does hope really get you.', 'How long have you been cutting? I know Ive been doing it for almost 5 or 6 years now...', 'Well I can help you with that problem. However it may take time, would youve willing to work with me on this?', 'I know what its like to feel alone, AfterTexasRed (love that song), But even though it may be the hardest thing to embrace, there are so many people, so many options. It may not come instantly, But dont give up . finding people who care and understand is the first step ', 'Well that is currently a broad statement, so tell me what isnt making you happy.', 'Wow. I want to first apologize for the goddamn grammar assholes. I understood your post just fine. Of all the places to complain. God such assholes. Anyway. For some reason, this post really appeals to me. That game. It touches me two. Every aspect, ever thing that happens I can relate it to a struggle in life. The things the game has made me realize about life. It all makes sense. I thought I was the only one but you totally understand. But there is a better ending to the game. You know that.', 'I hope you get this. If you dont mind pming me. I dont know but for some reason I feel like I need to talk to you... ', ' I seriously cant believe that.', 'I just wanted to emphasize how strong you are', 'It has shown me things I could not understand. And yet I still learn. Do I wish I did not know? Maybe. Ignorance is death. But knowing. Isnt it knowing death? Same fate as ignorance. Only you see it coming.', 'Never considered military? ', 'I am not gonna lie. Id have just killed them all and accepted jail if I were in you place. God. People like you lift my spirit. ', 'You said you cant sleep well, is it bad dreams or just Stress in general.', 'I dont know. Maybe.', 'Hey, look. I hope you dont mind if this is long... but well it seems a lot of your Stress is directly related to precise events and feeling. You did a Tired Good job with your post. Explained Eventing well and made it to where I can understand. Thats a talent right there. But I took chemistry only a year ago and I liked it. Maybe if you need I could maybe help with that. Also talking about how your days go and stuff. I really feel for you. Really... a lot of the things you explain reflect me only a year ago. I feel like I can really help you, I can understand everything you are going through. If you dont want to talk to someone for too long I understand but it really does help to have a friend you can truly say anything to. Whether it be how you feel or something that happened. Someone to listen and understand can truly truly truly make a difference. If you dont mind pm me and we can talk. If not then I hope things go for the better. :)', 'Cutting and stuff like that are hard habits to break arent they... but they can be overcome. You have someone with you who cares and looks out for you. ', 'Perhaps. But surely you cant expect a simple reason like that to help people.', 'Cutting is one of the hardest habits to break... even still I fall back to it. If you want pm me so we cant talk about this nore.', 'Does society mean that much to you?', 'Those who see, leave. I mean no one can so far can bear to hear. So they either block it out or leave. Some try. They stay. They dont last long.', 'I know. Its the worst... no one sees my left arm. Its become second nature to naturally hide it... where do you typically cut?', 'Lucid dreaming. Learn it, and life and its importance changes.', ' you have made good points seeing that everything people seem to say explain that cant help you. The decision you are Turing to make is the biggest decision in you life, seeing as you are trying to end it, so I just wonder, is this what you want, or do you feel you are forced to do this, seeing it as all you have left.', 'Sometimes it working towards something can take your mind off things, but have you ever heard of lucid dreaming? ', 'You said finally when mentioned the job. So I understand that you have been looking for them for awhile with little success until now?', 'When Im alone, which is all the time, I lucid dream.... you should try it... ', 'Explain alone, please.', 'Unfortunately ', 'There is almost no exceptions to rational suicide. What you lose, is so much more than what you gain. ', 'i lucid dream... it kinda becomes my reality, which i guess could be unhealthy but it works...', 'It may help to know that you arent the only one. I use to cut a lot too. Not so much anymore (although sometimes habits resurfaced ) but I was always terrified of someone seeing. I cut the most on my left arm, so whenever I wasnt wearing long sleeves I would always keep people to my right. Whether it was a bud or a girl I really liked.... no one got on my left side. Today its just second nature now. I watch peoples eyes, know when its safe. I dont even think about it anymore. I just gained an instinct to hide.... I guess what my point is is that you arent alone on this, and what you experience is just a consequence of cutting.', 'Talked to counselors, took meds. All just bricks in the wall.', 'Honestly, it normally takes a lot of building up to make a big decision such as suicide. It Tired well could have even started when he was young, still playing on the computer while you watched. He was smart enough to where if he wanted to hide it (and most people do) he could have done it for years.', 'You said you were afraid of the unknown, just to clarify, cab you explain that a bit more?

Behavior

I feel extremely Suicidal pretty much all the time, I know how it is.I started talking to a certain person about it, seeking help (not a therapist). She told me that people will miss me if I were to do it. This is Tired true. People WILL miss you Tired, Tired much. Even you dont even know would miss you if you committed suicide. That girl who you talked about, if you were to do it, you know how sad she would be? She would most likely cry her eyes out, man.I know Im not a helpful person or anything, and Im sorry if I come off a little stubborn, I just had a fight with my father so Im a bit agitated. But what Im getting at is that people will miss you, more than anything. Ill link a video that has a misleading title, but it helped me a bit.Heres the video (Like I said, misleading title): http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=g-K-6r0mSMAI suggest you watch that video immediately. At the beginning he sounds a bit like a douche but it does help.

Ideation

You are such a wonderful person - for Lords sake DONT YOU EVER GO ANYWHERE!! ', 'I dont think this advice and tone is really appropriate for this subreddit, but Id like to piggy back off of it because now its been said and its out there. Does the thought of leaving your spouse give you any kind of relief? I am concerned that you might be with someone who is making you question your self-worth more than you already do. I was a miserable miserable person until I hit my 20s and I am THANKFUL that I was single through it because I had to work on myself first. You sound like youre going to make it through the night. This is just some food for thought. The advice youve been given tonight is really great. Definitely take things minute by minute, and remember that you have options (and you have us). ', 'I only suggest it because you said youre freaked out about the thought of him knowing what you look like and you not knowing what he looks like. If you can get past that though, thats great. For the record, its easier to transfer than it is to initially get in as long as your grades are fantastic....but you did mention trouble with going to class. So that might not be an option.Running off to another school might be a bad idea anyway, in terms of facing your problems, but it was just a thought. Was curious if youd considered it. I think its good that you would tough it out where you are, and its a testament to your character. ', 'Honestly? That is not that bad. My brother lost his job and he JUST got a job at the 6 month mark, and he got it by a thread. Keep looking. You will absolutely find something. Im curious about details. Why are you completely alone? And why are your co-workers rooting against you?', 'Im so sorry about whats happened to you. Kudos for seeking so much help - counseling, psychiatry, AND youre here! You are a fucking star, as far as Im concerned. What really strikes me here is how much you said youve improved since you came to college. Think about how much farther you can go! This will be a healing process, but I truly believe its worth going through so that you can continue to grow, to have a social life, and to lose some of that anxiety. If youve come this far, dont let a pig pull you back. Keep up the good work. You are going to be fine! And you have people here to talk to anonymously. ', 'My mom committed suicide also, four years ago. Wed had a fight the Asthenia prior, so I was left feeling Tired guilty and uncomfortable. I also knew that she had been researching barbituates online, and I never mentioned it to anyone until after everything went down. She had a life long history of wanting to die, and shed tried many times. Its only tragic because she was SO secretive about it, and to any other person on the street who met her, she was almost perfect. Its really hard to wrap your head around the whole thing, but at the end of the day, just make sure to remind yourself that this isnt your fault, that you did not contribute, and that the choice for her to die was not yours. These are hard times, but youre strong and youll make it through. I just do my best to talk about it as often as I can, to share my story, and to always work through the feelings Im having. Thats all you can do, babe. So sorry for your loss. Just know that there are people here who understand what youre going through. PM me any time! ', '>I didnt know how he would react but I wanted just for one time for him to be like. "Yeah I am mad because I love you so much I cant lose you" I just want to hear soemthing like that. "I cant live without you" but no. It doesnt sound to me like you want to die - it sounds to me like you want to be loved. We all do. Just know that you are loved and supported here. I know it doesnt sound like much (because we are strangers), but sometimes you have to take the comfort where you can get it. Everyone here wants to see you happy. Ive learned over the years that we have to take ownership of our emotions and make the choice and the effort to be happy with OURSELVES first. You sound like such a smart and Emotional upset person. Put that energy toward YOURSELF. If youre in a relationship with a person who would brush you off when you threaten to off yourself, then Id venture to say that this relationship is not worth having. Not to mention, it doesnt sound healthy on your end either to want to off yourself in hopes that youll get a reaction out of your SO (Im not accusing you of doing this intentionally - I dont think that you are. I think youre just upset & crazed. I have BEEN there!). My mantra these days is Id MUCH rather be alone & happy than be with someone & miserable. I have been single for over a year (and before that short relationship, was single for a LONG LONG time), and Ive never been happier. And trust me, Ive been through some dark days. Ive gone to therapy, Ive put in the time to make myself healthier emotionally... you can do the same. ', 'Im going to go the unpopular route here and tell you NOT to think about the baby as the primary factor. I couldnt agree LESS with any advice that tells you to "live for your baby instead of living for your ex." That right there is the route of your problems. What about you, Tab?The baby is there, we know that, you know that. You obviously plan on having him/her, raising him/her, etc. - but the primary issue you brought up (your ex boyfriend) seems to be the trigger here, and so I would like to focus on YOU and what YOU WANT and how YOU are feeling, absent all of these other factors (like...being pregnant). Whats tipping you off here is the poor relationship with your ex. What youve experienced is not uncommon. He cheated and you wanted to reconcile - you wanted to try to forgive and forget. So you came up with these terms, right? The terms you came up with alarm me a bit. You cannot BE with a person that you cannot trust. If you have to take away his FB privileges, and ask that he not so much as "speak" to other women, that sounds extraordinarily unhealthy to me (for BOTH of you), and I think you should want more for yourself. Why do you want to be with a man that you have to give rules to? Youre about to have a baby - and by the sounds of it, youd be dealing with two babies! What Im getting at here is that you are basically off the hook now that you have broken up with him - please try to think of it that way. You are mature enough to be apart from him and still let him be in your babys life. How about being single for a bit? Planning for motherhood? Spending time with your girlfriends? Do you have any friends you can trust? Mom or Dad? Whoever it is, I would immerse yourself in their company. Let them know that you are struggling emotionally. The bottom line is that you have to live for YOURSELF, first and foremost. You have to love you enough to hang out with you every single day! If you dont have that, what do you have left when the people you thought you could trust fail you?? You have to have yourself to fall back on. You can build that back up, I promise. I have been there. It takes time, and effort, but you can do it. Xoxoxoxo from a reddit stranger who wants you to feel better! The Pain will fade. But dont let it fade by compromising yourself - keep a healthy distance from baby daddy for now. Involve him where necessary but proceed with caution. Spend time with peopleyou trust. Think about YOU. Stop thinking about everyone else! ', 'Youre going to continue to be in a bad place if you choose to think this way. If you have a bad attitude, how can you expect a great job, anyway?? There is NOTHING wrong with community college. You get a degree and you can do many many things. I recommend doing some research on it - I think youd be surprised! ', 'She is your friend, but she is not your responsibility. As much as she is a victim of Depression, Depression victims sometimes victimize others. They are miserable, and they project that onto others and make them feel responsible for their misery. What she did was her choice, and you may have been the trigger, but if it wasnt you, it would be someone else. What would your options have been? You had the option to date her anyway out of pity, or do what you did and be honest. There are no alternatives. You did the right thing. She needs help (if she pulls through), but its HER responsibility to get that help. Its a long road. ', 'Well - if things are this bad, then theres nowhere to go but up (that sounds cliche but its true). If you keep up your therapy regimen, you will feel better. It just takes time, and in the immediate wake of this trauma, its always the worst. Would you ever consider transferring schools, just out of curiosity?

Ideation

Right now? Im scared. Im Worried my girlfriend/best friend will leave because Im having a hard time managing my shit, even though she hasnt given me reason to think shell leave. The pills arent working like they did, either.Im angry at my ex for emotionally abusing me, and Im pissed off that she doesnt feel guilty about what it did to me, the year of alcoholism and the severe Depression and the never-ending Anxiety and the near-suicide...But whatever I feel, Im still breathing.I guess that counts for something, doesnt it?', 'Im not entirely sure what to say to this, but I did PM you.I dont have much experience with Suicidal tendencies, but I can tell you that you are valued, and that, as Little_miss_naughty said below, there are people who know you "behind the smile", and there are people who want to get to know you behind it, Im sure.And about being "childish"? How do you think youre childish? Im just a bit curious here.', 'Heh. Its good to know that there are others going through similar things. Its always bad to feel like youre the only one', 'I dont know. Im not sure anyone can do anything. It feels really hopeless. But thank you for the kind words.', 'Hello, OP: Just reading this made me feel better about life.Just wanted to let you know that youve made someone smile today.Cheers!,E', 'Thank you for the kind words', 'Hey, champ.What the other people have said is also true, but... my social worker says cutting is addictive, and I believe him. The first time I cut, I gave my friends my knives because I was Worried, since it was unusual behaviour for me. I spent the next day wanting to Bleeding again, and the third day, I scratched my skin open with some office implements lying around my dorm.It was just like when I started smoking -- I wanted the next hit. The difference is, the hit was a lot more immediately dangerous. And it was temporary. Its a dopamine/serotonin hit, I think. Or epinephrine. Whatever. Its basically a drug, from my understanding.So I would take control in ways that dont involve slicing yourself up. Its not easy, its fucking horrid. But you can do it. If you need help, do not be afraid to seek it. Ive done it, and I can personally tell you its a bitch. But its better than Bleeding all over your clothes/furniture/stuff.Good luck, holmes. You can PM if you need me.', 'Theyre going. It feels like an uphill battle, but its at least a battle in progress. Yourself?

Behavior

I like to play guitar, ukulele, sometimes the bass, and sometimes the saxophone. ', 'I couldnt quite understand what you were actually trying to say, would you mind explaining it so I have a better understanding of what is going on?', 'They dont win. Theyll never win. Want to talk?', 'I dont know. She only invited me because she doesnt want me at home. Ill tell her that I dont want to be at home and then shell invite me on these trips. Its more out of pity than anything.', 'I may star rambling, so sorry in advance.As a kid, I was sexually abused. That didnt help much. Then in school I was always made fun of for being stupid. My teachers would always imply it, my friends would make jokes and be shocked if I got anything higher than a 75, my mother told me all the time that I couldnt be in any of the AP or Honors classes because I wasnt good enough. My mother also hates me. She hit me a lot growing up. She always told me thatI should be better, that she was ashamed of me. I dont talk to her much anymore, and when I do, she doesnt like the decisions Ive made in my life. I just feel alone and that no one would miss me. Me being a stupid, worthless piece of space.', 'When I dont cut, and realize I should, I play guitar. Then when I get bored of that I play a favorite video game of mine. I also do write sometimes. But it always seems to be going back to the cutting when Im really upset. I feel like I need to cut sometimes.', 'I hope its good. Ive never actually been camping before...', 'I draw and write and such. It never really works. It works for periods of times, and then I just get mad and upset again. Its like a plague in my head. I just want it to go away.', 'Thank you. It makes me happy to think that.', 'I havent been Tired happy for a while now. Im so Stress about everything and nobody cares anymore. I just want to go away.', 'I honestly feel the same as you sometimes. Wondering why my friends are still beside me even though Im so messed up, but to be honest with you, its because they care.Your girlfriend cares Tired deeply about you. Its why shes still around. She loves you no matter who you are. I know a lot of this is hard, and you feel stuck. Like youre never going to get out. But, believe me, you will. You could find something that occupies your time and keeps you entertained. You could draw, write, play an instrument, go shopping, anything really. Just do little things that keep your attention so it wont try to go back to the bad thoughts. It will be hard at first. It will seem difficult and it will feel like you cant do it, but after a while, you will feel better. I promise you that you will.If you ever feel the need to talk about anything, I am always here to listen. Stay Strong my friend.', 'Whats up my friend?', 'I feel like if I dont get better soon, theyll get mad at me and leave. That scares me more than it should.', 'My friend does know about the cutting.', 'I have. I do. Im way to busy to be doing it everyday though. I like to go for walks around my neighborhood or do some crunches in my living room. ', 'Ill be your friend...', 'I should be going camping with my best friend in a few weeks. Not sure if Ill make it that long to be honest.', 'Message me. Ill listen to you. ', 'Its nice to meet you too :) Someday I hope to feel better. And maybe someday I will.', 'Ill try to get out of my house. Due to other circumstances, I wont be leaving much. I am going camping with my best friend so, I have that to look too. I hope youre doing well. ', ' Im sad about so many things. I think the main thing is mostly my parents. I still live with them and its so aggravating. My mom likes to rag on me and make fun of me for everything. She doesnt know about the self harm. She doesnt know that the things she calls me, (bitch, whore, fat), Pain me more than just as a joke. Im Illness and Tired of it. Im Illness and Tired of everything. I dont think anyone will really miss me when Im gone. I know my parents wouldnt. They make notion of how little they care about me everyday. Anytime I actually try to talk to them, they get upset and call me a liar and ridicule me about it. Then they go and say that I can always tell them anything. Well, I really cant if they wont fucking believe me and seem to just laugh at me. My mom likes to tell everyone that I always tell her everything, starting from when I was a teenager until now. That were so close and all that jazz. Well, were not. She doesnt know shit. Thats some of it.', 'I do try to talk to my cousin and all, but sometimes its hard knowing that she thinks everything is alright. She had cut off her entire dads side of the family because her parents were getting divorced. I tried to help her but she never knew, or cared, what me or my brothers felt about our only cousin not wanted anything to do with us. I think Im just confused about everything. I will most likely try to look up everything. Thank you.', 'Its alright. Theres no place to swim here either. Just pools and such. ', 'Thank you :) Ill remember that.', 'Ive tried moving out, but I dont make enough money to actually find a place to live. Most of my friends also live with their parents or at whichever college they go too. My friends from school live in other places far from where I live, with their parents, so its really difficult trying to find a place with them. I talk to a few of my friends about all my problems, but some of them have no idea how I feel or just dont really try to help. Its frustrating.', 'When I was younger I was sexually abused. It Pain me, quite a lot. Ever since that, I never felt good enough for anyone. I felt worthless because he did it and saw I wasnt going to mean anything to anyone. I didnt tell my parents until years later. I never felt like I could tell them anything. They always told me I wasnt as smart as my brothers. They always made me feel stupid. More so my mother than my father. My friends did the same thing too. I was always the stupid one, the one who was just kept around for the jokes. If I got anything higher than an 80, it seemed as though the apocalypse was happening. I felt okay for years, sure there were times I felt stupid and worthless but I never dwelled on it because I was young and my attention was always going elsewhere. In 8th grade, one of my friends had become Tired close to me and forced me to tell them everything. All because I stood up to other kids about making fun of my friend. I never opened up to people easily, but my friend was pushing me to open up. I got so confused and freaked out most of the year. Until I snapped at them one day and moved on with life, going to a different high school and making new friends. Now, years later after Ive finally told my parents, everythings getting worse. My parents dont believe me. My mom is worse than ever, and I keep thinking about it. All the time. Its getting so bad. I promised my best friend I wouldnt Pain myself again, and Im 10 days clean, but I feel like I want too. Im getting worse again, and I feel more confused than ever.', 'I havent had much interest in seeing a physiatrist. I feel like I should though. I dont cut anymore though, I had gotten out of that bad habit. Thank you.', 'Thank you. That made me smile. Made my day actually. Thank you. ', 'Its the only thing that I can really do. Im not good at anything else.', 'Theres been a lot going on in life. It brings me down a lot. I dont like being down. I dont like hurting myself. But it feels like its the only thing I can do. I want to change, but I dont know how. Its like theres this plague in my head that keeps telling me No, youre not going to get happy. And it brings me down even more. I dont know what else to do.', 'Haha well then I hope it rains :)', 'A while. Ive been Worried about stuff for about 6 or 7 months now after being Stress free for a little over a year. I just cant seem to get away from my thoughts.', 'Just, dont really see a point in living anymore.', 'I dont know how. I know I want to stop this. I just dont know how to bring myself to stop. Im really scared. ', 'Its okay. I hope things get better for you. You always have me to talk too. ', 'I dont really know the difference between a real hug and a fake hug.', 'Im not Tired good at most of them to be honest.', 'Hey, whats going on? Want to talk about it?', 'Just what she says and the way she acts around me. She doesnt seem all that happy to be around me. ', 'Thank you. I know Im just some stranger on the Internet, but thank you for helping. I try to tell myself this everyday, but it doesnt necessarily always work. Im trying. I really am. But, I never know if the dark side of my head will win. Thank you Derrick.And Im Lilly by the way.', 'Sometimes I think that shes only friends with me because she feels bad about me not having any other real friends, and she wouldnt want me to be left alone. She just feels sorry for the messed up sad kid.', 'Really depends I guess. We usually watch TV. Sometimes we play a board game, or go swimming or what not. Just depends on the season.

Behavior

And how does that make you feel? Depressed?', 'Its when you realise that today is better than yesterday and you dont need to worry about tomorrow because it hasnt happened yet.', 'None of those things are your fault, therefore you shouldnt let it ruin your life. As a person who went through similar occurrences, I found an outcome in using my skills to break out of my bad cycle of life. Ive always enjoyed drawing and was quite good at it but at uni I didnt study anything of the sorts and flunked (twice btw). I then put all effort into the only thing that seemed worth my time which was drawing. I submitted art online and was hired hired by a small company and am now an illustrator. I live by myself, far away from my family. I have already tried to commit suicide twice a few years ago. It obviously failed, but the truth is it really is never a solution. I hope that you understand that people are never born into an equally peaceful environment. You need to take charge of your existence. As for the horrible ordeal you suffered as a child, it truly enraged me to hear that. I understand what its like to have parents like that. Constantly feeling that you have been a wasteful burden to them. I am no psychologist, but I will always help through a conversation if you need someone to talk to.', 'Thanks. I dont really like therapists and such so I usually work out my own problems. My parents kinda blame me in a way. They wont say it but their Common cold attitude and reaction to me explains it all. My friends all looked at me as the responsible one. So they dont really know how to offer much advice. Thing is all that I have now is my cell phone and laptop. So Im glad that I could actually get this out before I sank lower. In a way it was a method of restoring my faith in humanity to know that people would at least acknowledge my pitiful cry even if I felt alone.', 'I live in Johannesburg, South Africa. Here the police are more concerned about lining their pockets first before helping their citizens. I know I sound anti-patriotic but if you experienced my life on a daily basis then you would understand. Here filing a police report is only done to add to a statistic. Not because officers and investigators are going to actively follow up the case. I have lived a fairly good life. My family is wealthy but I had to leave and start my own life eventually. ', 'Really thank you. You guys are a massive help', 'May be the most up voted post in this sub.', 'That is like some real awesome wording you have there. Thank you. Im actually at my favourite coffee shop now. I went for a stroll and easily just made a decisi', 'I am deeply sorry for your loss. But the fact that you share your experience means you will get through this. I do hope things improve for you. ', 'Happy - Pharrel Williams', 'He works at an advertising agency. Doing small menial jobs like data capture and lists and shit. He doesnt exactly know what hes doing himself. He never saves cash and constantly borrows from me. He literally is what most people become if they dont follow through with university. ', 'I have a housemate/friend who studied with me. He dropped out after 1st semester. Hes 25 with no degree or a proper career aspirations. Theres no need for you to feel Depression about still being in college. Your patience will pay off soon. Hang in there.', 'When i felt this way, I started to go for long runs. I just feel that if I keep running I might end up on the right path, not literally but I feel that my mind works when theres adrenalin pumping through my body and a sense of power in my legs. Its almost as if Im no longer tied to anything. I could run. Keep running and never return. But I realise that all I am and all I have is this portion of life. I want to cling to it. My crappy home. My work. My last piece of existence is now something I treasure. It may not be great as others but I can always dream. Dream and work and live until I can say, "This is my fucking life!"', 'Truth be told, death is a way of dealing with a problem. But it is not a solution. I sometimes get thoughts like "at this exact moment my existence is nothing". I even fantasise about my death. But I dont think that disappearing into nothingness is the answer. Life never is easy. Its all up to how much you make of yours. My advice to you is to find something in life more "comforting" than the death you are craving.', 'Before I respond to OP, just wanted to say that I love your name.

Attempt

Extreme Depression and loneliness. I do it to cope. And to distract myself from this worthless excuse for a life', 'Yeah, Ive used everything from wiring to circuitry (long story) to exacto knife blades, and I carry one with me most of the time', 'Thanks for sharing, thats Tired different than what happened to me', 'This really quite describes me Tired well indeed, most days, I have no qualms with death, but dont seek it out', 'Even if they arent old enough to know you, growing up without a father is one of the hardest things to do. Children need support, not economic support, but love and compassion. Sure your wife can supply some, but you can supply more loving kindness than you probably think. They will grow under one parent, but thrive under two. even a stepfather, no matter how caring, is not as good as your actual father. Biological parents tend to be more loving. Your children need you. Your wife needs you. ', 'For me, what works is I wear Tired thin long sleeved shirts. They are usually as thin or thinner than your average t shirt. Also, if my small knowledge of science is correct, white reflects light/heat better than black. So if that is true (not 100% positive), then try to go for lighter colors on clothing. Best of luck to you! ', 'Thank you so much <3', 'In my experience, it has been mostly the first, giving up on themselves. My father fatally shot himself back in 2012, and he left a note that explained his reasoning, and waht sttod out to me is this: "I have lost any sense of compassion towards myself. I have lost all of my will to live. This has been replaced by a frequent urge to die..." and a further section that included various physical issues such as partilal blindness and nerve damage which I wwould rather not continue to write about. I too fell under the first set, I gave up on myself, and I decided that I was too bad a person for anyone to tolerate. I decided that I was a terrible person and deserved death for the way I mistreated others. I am sure in some cases people have given up on the world, though this is just my experiences.Source:Father/friends are/were Suicidal, am Suicidal myself', 'Thanks <3', 'Thanks all! You guys rock', 'I sharpen and reuse, or hide them. Cant risk them being found in the trash', 'Adding to this, sorry not in an edit, Im on my phone, will transition this to an edit later, but I have hidden this lie from so many people, my boyfriend, my friends, my family, my counselors, my teachers, etc. I dont know how to come clean of all this. Im sorry to sound desperate, but I am.', 'Remember this, whatever happens. We all care, we all want you to be happy and safe. No matter how you look, act, or who you are friends with or how much money you have, we all, here at reddit, care for you. Maybe not the best way to put it, but its certainly true. <3', 'Better than nothing. Thank you :)', 'Something similar happens to me. I cut to relieve stress, sometimes relieves Depression as well. If I am super Stress and depressed, I have to cut, its my only way out. So similar yet different I guess :/', 'Thank you <3 small comments like these make a huge difference', 'Typing on my phone, will expand this later. I think the same as you,I believe nobody out there cares for new and would be better off without me, but think about the way this would affect your children and your family. When my father committed suicide (I was 12 at the time) it made my life an endless pit of sorrow that still affects me several years later. It impacted my grades, my social life, and plunged me into a bout of Suicidal attempts and depression, both of which last to this day. Nobody would wish this on their children. Your wife would be devastated, she would have so many loose ends to tie up, so much Pain to go through. You seem like a great person, and I know you wouldnt wish such Pain on her or your children. If you cant find any reason to live, then live for them. They are better off with a great father and husband like you than no father at all. Hang in there. We all care for you, your family and reddit.

Behavior

Though going overseas wouldnt solve the principal issue of no human companionship, thats a pretty good response from your teacher. He/she seems like a fairly sensible person.Thanks for the response.', 'Ill have a look into whats around in my area. From memory there arent many in my city that arent only for the seriously mentally unwell.', 'Thanks Nyctor, Ill have a watch/listen.', 'I may not agree entirely with what you say, but I like you.All I can promise is that Ill think carefully about what youve said.', 'I have, I just get lethargic/sleepy unfortunately. Mixed with alcohol I get Tired, Tired, sick.', 'In a sense what youre recommending is in line with what someone else recommended, change. I wonder how far Ill need to change in order to find peace from this; whether Ill need to become an entirely different person. I suppose if Im ready to walk away from life it doesnt matter does it? Either way I die in some sense.If you met me in real life youd find me far less interesting, and I expect youd be far less willing to give me the benefit of the doubt with regards to my personality.Due to Tired personal reasons along with my general lack of social skills, finding love is impossible for me, which is one major part of the problem. Its not just me feeling sad and not wanting to put effort into it, its essentially impossible. Ive been trying to grapple with the idea of spending the rest of my days alone for over a year now and its been one of the hardest things to get to grip with. I dont think Ill ever get comfortable with the idea.But then maybe I can change into a different person and distract myself until I die alone of Malignant neoplastic disease at 80.', 'Its hard to explain. I can talk and make chit-chat, I can fake social enthusiasm if need be, and I can talk about a wide range of topics, but I lack the ability to really connect with people somehow. Either I cant keep conversations going, or they lose interest and gradually decrease contact with me. It also doesnt help Im awkward as hell, generally quiet, and seem to shut down when Im socialising in a group.Perhaps partly because Ive grown up so socially isolated, I just cant fit in anywhere and have so little to contribute to potential friendships and I think people can pick up on that. So theyll be polite and talk to me, but its all superficial with no intention on their part to include me as part of their social circle.Ive learnt and developed automatic social responses so I seem far more well-adjusted in public than I actually am, all it takes is a five-minute conversation with me to discover that its a sham, and theres actually nothing behind the curtain but smoke and mirrors.', 'The question is, is it too late to change the trajectory considering how much time Ive spent on it? It all feels so overwhelmingly difficult, both impossible and pointless. I dont think its something I can manage on my own, even doing all the courses in the world.Youll have to forgive me, I can feel the onset of the Depression hitting me again and its making it harder to do anything by the minute.', 'Funnily enough having goals were what was causing the Depression last time around. I got rid of it by giving up on all the goals and dreams I had, mostly by convincing myself they were all unachievable no matter what I did.', 'Thanks Mudlily, I appreciate the time youve spent here.', 'I appreciate the time youve taken to write all that out. It seems that bars and sports clubs aside, you favour simply initiating conversations with random people until it becomes habitual, hoping for the best that some of these random encounters with bear fruit.If I cant make friends with the people I see and talk to nearly every day at work, what makes you think random people I have no connection at all with will be better? I have to say, no one Ive ever spoken to makes a habit of starting conversations with complete strangers, even at bars. They generally stick to people they already know or friends of friends so they have something to break the ice with. And youre asking me, a socially inept, defective subhuman to be able to have those kinds of conversations with strangers that most people cant or dont want to do. That requires social skills and nerve well above that of the average person to do well.Like I said, I do appreciate your response and I respect the time it took to write it, Im afraid theres just something fundamentally wrong with my wiring, Im not able to just converse and make friends, I never have, and never will.Also my method is guaranteed to work, 100% success rate, and doesnt involve any of the actions you listed, so dont worry about that.', 'Thats a Tired interesting story. Ive often thought highly of Zen and Stoic philosophy but have never spent the time to put them in practice.Youve given me some food for thought, at the Tired least it might stave off the worst of the Depression temporarily.', 'You remind me a bit of myself then. I developed what I can only think of as a social phobia in secondary school (High school). I thought everyone was watching and judging me, laughing at my appearance, and so on. I was terrified of going into public places and could barely speak with strangers. It persists in a form even today (When I hear people laughing I have to remind myself its not about me) but thankfully the worst of it is past me now.So youd recommend some form of group therapy then?', 'Could you elaborate more on this epiphany?', 'I forgot to mention I did browse those subreddits.Id like to think things could someday improve, I just cant imagine a scenario in which that could happen.', 'More or less. To put it precisely, in order to have any kind of social interaction, I have to be someone other than me. Another persona that appears more charming and interesting than I actually am. The moment I start dropping the act, the moment people start being less interested in talking to me.It eventually gets to the point where I just dont know how to respond and end up either not responding at all or reaching for some pre-thought canned response that best fits.Of course I could just never drop the act and have plenty of "friends", but theyd be fair-weather friends at best and living that kind of lie seems worse than death.', 'Im going to wait until my mother dies so she wont have to deal with it. Besides, like I said, no one will realise Ive killed myself for quite some time, if ever.', 'Thanks for sharing your story and Im sorry to hear things are so bad for you. Lets hope we can both find something worthwhile in this world before we take that final, drastic, step.', '1) Yes, and as Im below-average in attractiveness, I found Tired few were interested.2) I play video games but Im fairly boring, I doubt anyone would enjoy talking to me, except calling me "FAG!1", "NEWB!", "GTFO", etc.3) I appreciate the idea, and I have considered doing that kind of thing. Just signing up for random things, except it doesnt solve the fundamental problem of not being able to connect with people. Id be on a bowling team or turn up for scuba diving and Id just be there. We might make idle chit-chat or talk shop but thats all Id be left with. They, just like nearly everyone else, would have zero interest in forming any real kind of friendship with me. Itd be just like my interactions with people at work.Then once its over Id go home and be none the better for it. I feel this would work well for someone whos naturally gregarious and talkative but a little shy when meeting new people. Im not naturally talkative, Im quiet, Im introspective, I dont contribute anything to group situations. A non-person basically.Again, I appreciate the effort you went to with this, but Im a lost cause and someone not made for this world clearly.', 'I garden and exercise. I tried learning to play music to ease the isolation but Im terrible at it, no talent at all, so its no fun, and the less said about me attempting art the better. I recently got cats and they help a little, its a shame Ill have to find a new home for them before I go.The problem is these things can only ever distract me temporarily from the lack of human companionship. Theres no escaping it. The thing is I can meet and talk to people but Im incapable of developing true friendship, the best I can do is develop a circle of distant acquaintances. Nothing else interests me, I dont care about money or success (Whatever thats defined as by society now). Im also completely talentless so theres little else I can do other than go to work every day until I die.Alcohols the only medication that works but even that has its limits. I tried SSRIs but they had almost no effect and eventually stopped working completely within months.', 'Its funny you should say that. Ive been trying to convince a girl I work with to follow her dreams and live the life shes always wanted and shes started taking my advice seriously. Today she asked in a roundabout way, about me going with her, I dont know whether she was just gauging general interest since she also asked her friends but who knows? Maybe it might be an opportunity for me to radically change my life.', 'I suppose, yeah. Usually what I say is something uninspiring or generic and the conversation just peters out anyway. So Im probably better off having said nothing at all.Hell maybe I should just go full awkward and say, "Im sorry I dont know what to say." Itd probably be just as bad.', 'You speak wisdom, perhaps I could devote my life helping the less fortunate. It would certainly be more worthy than anything else Ive ever done. I dont think Id escape the feeling Id been cheated out of having a normal life though; that I were just a machine whose only purpose was to serve other people and never feel the same joy they could.', 'Im glad somethings positive is happening for you, and that youre enjoying a hobby.I stopped the hobby thing when I realised whatever I did would be a hollow substitute for what I actually wanted out of life, and what little pleasure I had from it was outweighed by the sheer amount of time and often money it would take to become invested.Socially I have no one to confide in. Theres one person who I supported when her bipolar got really bad and later helped get her through (funnily enough) a suicide crisis of her own. So I can sort of talk to her but were not that close and she has little time to do anything with me considering shes married with kids. My family are out as theyre not the kind of people I can talk to about this kind of thing.Long story short, I have no one I can really lean on.', 'My god youre just like me. Ive done the exact same thing as you. Ive been trying to find hobbies, (Learn guitar, learn Japanese, learn knitting) and when I find Im terrible at each I move on to something I might be better at. Something that might keep me busy enough to distract me from everything else. Obviously I didnt succeed or I wouldnt be here now.Ive also used alcohol as essentially medication, since its done a much better job of keeping the feels away than SSRIs ever did and with far fewer side effects.Id like to talk to you further about this, perhaps well both be able to gain some insight from examining each others situations in more detail.

Ideation