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I know the feeling, and things dont get better with time, they just deteriorate. At least you had a girlfriend. No women has ever wanted me for more than money or help with things. Im not even treated like a human being because of my ugly face. Im a virgin, 30, and at this point there is not much hope left. Over the past year I developed severe ED too, which I never had problems with in my 20s. I missed the boat on ever having a intimate relationship, and there isnt much hope for one in the future. ', 'Im 30 and feel the same way. I think most suicides are irrational and do fit the description of "a Injury of muscle fix to a temporary problem" This is ESPECIALLY true in younger people. But in some cases I think suicide can be a rational decision. I have spent a LOT of time in introspection and I have come to the conclusion suicide is the best way out in my case. Im just too high inhibition to go through with it. And so Im stuck in a perpetual case of limbo. In my case, I have never experienced love or intimacy, and Im 30. Im a virgin and not by choice. More than that I have only grown more and more isolated as I got older. I want to belong, I wanted to have a "normal" life, but the cards were stacked against me from the start, and at this point I am beyond hope of ever having one. Thats not the only reason though, thats just the tip of the iceberg... I know Im depressed, have been for most of my life, but in my case its endogenous Depression, only the external causes of my Depression are not temporary. There is Tired little hope for them to chance.

Ideation

Its kinda impossible to run the numbers as you cant predict the future. Something could happen tomorrow that will improve your life immeasurably. Im pro choice but I suspect many people that consider suicide arent being rational. ', 'I know how tall you are but Im quite short and went from 210 to 160 in 6 months. I didnt even do *that* much exercise and I certainly didnt starve myself. Plus Im older so by metabolism is easy slower. Of course were entirely different people but before you make any big decisions consider that there are achievable goals that dont take such a long time to attain ... and they might make you feel better about yourself.I firmly believe that everyone has the right to end their life. But I also think its something that needs to be rationally considered. Please dont think Im condescending but at 15 you have plenty of opportunities to make changes in your life that will make it seem less bleak. ', '>Im not sure if thats what you perceive as a risk, and if it is, I dont understand which part of it you see as risky.The risk is that Im sectioned and my family find out. Thats probably a little dramatic but I honestly dont know what my rights are if he believes Im serious. Plus I dont think I want to be talked/medicated out of it at the moment. Fwiw, Im already on medication. This isnt a chemical imbalance issue. ', 'Short term, if you want to avoid some severe gastrointestinal discomfort, you might want to take some probiotics. Youve got to be really careful if you plan to swallow a bunch of random pills like that. You might end up taking something that *doesnt* have the required effect but *does* leave you in a mess physically ... Im thinking organ damage etc.Did you fall asleep with the expectation that you wouldnt wake up? How did you feel when realised it hadnt worked? ', 'You could reach out to the guys on the loseit sub about shedding some pounds if being Overweight contributes to any issues with low self esteem. That could be a place to start. Thing is, youre young. Your body is still developing. You might not be happy with your appearance but I guarantee you will look entirely different in a few years. With the bullying... That sucks. I have no idea how Pain that must be but I urge you to report it someone. You shouldnt suffer in silence and schools are pretty hot on dealing with bullying these days. Stay strong. I cant promise you things will get better but there are definitely steps you can take to try to improve your situation. ', 'Ok, but keep in mind that if you attempt and fail youre probably looking at a similar situation re: psych hospital.I told my shrink (not in the US) and none of that happened. We are just adjusting my meds. But like I say, Im not in the US.Im sure I read somewhere that in America if you tell your psychiatrist you have occasional Suicidal thought they will look for ways to treat you - lithium and lamictal for instance. Dont take this as gospel but I believe they will ask you whether you have a plan and so long as you say no i.e. its just passing thoughts with no firm plans to carry it out they will not force you into treatment.My shrink tells me lithium is excellent for taking away Suicidal thoughts ... that said, Im refusing to take it!', 'So how are you feeling about it at the moment? Are you relaxed? Nervous? Regrets?Not sure if its within the rules to disclose what youve taken but Id be interested to know.Hypothetically, if you decided to back out, have you got a back up plan? ', 'What you do us entirely your right, in my view, but I suspect your emotions are a bit raw right now ... so if I were you I would be making any big decisions for a while.And if your kids are having to deal with the divorce, I really doubt they would view your suicide as a blessing. In fact, probably now more than ever they need you. You may have to accept the marriage is over, but your relationship with your kids need not be. ', 'What meds are you on? Ive been through wellbutrin, zoloft, pristiq, prozac, lamictal, Im sure Im forgetting something ... and a whole bunch of different benzos. It gets a bit tedious after a while doesnt it. They do say theres a genetic connection with Depression and other mental health disorders. No one else in my family have issues that I know of though. I like that you hedge your bets with the whole religion thing ... smart move :)What time is it in your part of the world', 'Running running and more running. ', 'I have another. Meditation. Being able to quiet the voices and tune out of all the relentless bullshit media inputs is amazing. Its hard though and needs constant practice. I got quite good at it but sadly Ive slacked off and as is often the case Depression kinda kills the motivation. ', 'It has been an hour. I hope youre calm now and arent regretting your decision. And I hope that if you do have any doubts you have the courage (and time) to ask for help from a medical professional.Either way Im glad we got a chance to have a chat (albeit a brief one).Goodnight /r/thisisntjimmy', 'Do you want to discuss your addiction? Do you think propensity towards addictive behavior is a genetic thing? I like to think so as it makes me feel better about myself!If its not drugs (and Ill include alcohol as a drug), what are you addicted to?', 'What do you believe will happen? Do you believe in the afterlife or anything? It blows my mind trying to imagine a scenario where I no longer exist. How old are you? Have you lived with Depression for long? ', 'The risk with taking toxic levels of acetaminophen (Tylenol) is that theres a Tired good chance it *wont* kill you immediately but it *will* completely fuck up your liver and make whats left of your life extremely Pain and utterly miserable. Unless youre a masochist I would rethink this weekends plans. Im not even trying to talk you out of suicide here, Im warning you against trying to get a taste of death using this method. I can actually relate to a lot of your post. I used to use drugs and booze all the time to try to hit that sweet spot between existence and nonexistence.How old are you sunny?', 'I figured that from your post here. But just know that od from Tylenol will be an incredible uncomfortable and Pain way to go. How old are you bud? And are you from the phils?', 'A bit embarrassed by that whiny post now, even though I basically stand by what I said. Anyway, mentor how? ', 'Have you seen a shrink and told them you have strong Suicidal urges? ', 'Is there a particular issue thats making you feel this way? ', 'Dont take this the wrong way, but Im curious about why you posted. Did you want to talk about anything else (other than what led you here)? ', 'I dont know how many but I do know it wont be quick. If you OD and dont see a medical professional youll likely die of liver failure over a few days. ', 'Im actually Worried that I could be forced into treatment. I cant risk that. Any idea what the deal is there? Presumably if he thinks I could be a danger to myself hed be obligated to report it? That post of mine was a bit naff. Im not just a guy having an existential crisis. This plan of mine has been gathering momentum for a while and is starting to feel inevitable. Im seeing the shrink on Thursday. Ill test the waters ...

Behavior

I dont think so, because your sacrifice wouldnt right wrongs. I understand your desire for secrecy, certain events have left me with selective mutism, and there are some things that I just cant talk about, let alone the Pain that it would cause me in doing so.Stepping away from the act that were discussing, Im assuming that youre proposing a pre-emptive action, of sorts. But what would only prevent potential future bad things, along with the good. And I think that the probability of your situation being one where that was the most ethical choice is pretty much zero.No one should have to be in the amount of Pain that causes Suicidal thoughts. Ive been Suicidal for 1839 days now, and a lot of my Pain has come from guilt. But Ive managed to keep going in the hopes that I will be able to equalize things by doing enough good that the Pain will end. The main reason why I do not think that suicide in your situation would be ethical is that the probability that there wouldnt be a possible way to resolve the Pain (working from my vague knowledge).Id recommend contacting a suicide hotline, as they would be able to give detailed advice on coping with guilt.My experience has been hard, but my intentions werent malicious, and some of the things that Ive done werent me. I dont think that suicide is a punishment that you could deserve, what whatever you feel your crimes were. Above all, its not your fault. Every day I try to justify my continued existence, but I know that its not my fault, it just hurts. And you can deal with that, day by day. As someone who has come so close to that end, whatever you feel youve done, you dont deserve that.', 'Ive been Suicidal for the past 1839 days, and Ive had a similar experience in some aspects. To me, the problem is that most people respond by talking about how it would affect those around you. And the response is but its my life, and I need a reason to keep going.My experience has been one of Pain leading to emptiness, and I suppose a lack of purpose rather than a lack of meaning. For the past 1839 days its been oh, Ill keep going until that new <insert film/game/book/album/new thing> comes out, and then Ill do it. Theres always been something, but there always hasnt been anything after the last thing.From my knowledge and experience, suicide is an extreme response to extreme Pain, and so the way to deal with it is to remove or at the least lessen the Pain. That is, after all, the general reason behind suicide, its just that all other options should be thoroughly exausted first.I try to distract myself, immerse myself in things, try and feel as good as I still can. Suicide is on the horizon, but theres something nice thats more immediate. The ways of dealing with that kind of Pain is rather specific to the individual, but I game a lot as a distraction, I immerse myself in reading books, watching films or shows, listening to music. Id recommend trying lots of things, and trying to multitask as much as possible when things are bad. Im frequently playing a game while watching a show while pondering philosophy. I find that if you clog up you mind with nice stuff, it stops the Pain for a while.Id also recommend trying to meet new people, something where continued contact is worth hanging around for. Ive found a certain kind of confidence at the worst of times - holding your life in your Weakness of hand gives you a fair amount of power. Id also recommend contacting a suicide hotline (specific to where you live) when things are really bad.From what I gather from the tone of your post, its a thought out and reasoned thing. My hope, and I suppose request as a fellow sufferer, is to make sure that as many of the alternate Pain-relief options have been tried first. And to hold Survive as the primary goal for each day - you make it to the end, youve done well. I hope that at least some of this has been of help.', 'Ive been Suicidal for the past 1839 days, and I understand the immediacy of the Pain. Id recommend contacing a suicide hotline for to help with coping with the next few days, and contact as many services as you can on dealing with debt. There must be a way, even if its by declaring bankruptcy and and starting over with nothing, debt wiped clean. Im working under the assumption that if the ongoing and immediate issue of the debt was resolved, then the Pain would be managable, even if it was on a day to day basis as I do. There must a service that could help or a way to resolve the issue, and so you should do whatever it takes to make it through the next few days until you can see an end to the debt being there. After that, things would be definitely manageable. I hope that this has been of some help, even if it was just to have someone who can empathise with your Pain hear your story.', 'That sounds rough, but above all I dont think that its your fault, as you didnt make the decision knowing what the outcome would be, or intending for that to be the outcome. Ive been Suicidal for the past 1839 days, and I know that without medical and outside support I wouldnt have made it this far. I understand what it feels like. Both to seriously regret something like that, and to just not be able to study. Ive just had to drop out of college for the second time (I live in England if you want to work out what the equivilant would be), and its such a horrible feeling, but I was so empty at the time that I couldnt really feel it.Ive been Suicidal for literally over five years now, and the probability of me attempting suicide again is Tired low, but Im still in constant Pain. Depression is awful.Above all, its not your fault, and the most important thing to do is to do what you can to make it a thing of the past, rather than an ongoing thing. I know that thats by no means easy, and will take time, but thats at least a way to seriously reduce the risk of suicide. I spend my days doing whatever I need to keep myself busy, and keep going. The /r/Depression subreddit could be good for talking to other people, and in general not feeling alone. The way that mental health issues are treated globally is awful, and any help that you can get could make a big difference. I know what Depression is like, and talking to other people is probably a good way to find new ways to cope with things and to find out about services and options. I wish you all the best, and please, try contacting a suicide hotline if things become really bad.', 'I understand what its like to feel like that, and how much doubt not knowing what to do because you barely enjoy anything anymore can create. From my understanding of things, a renewed purpose in life should bring things back to normal, though that isnt that easy a thing. Approaching your days by trying to get the most out of each hour or so could help, as long as youre kept busy by interesting things, things should feel alive. Id recommend trying to bring as much as you can of the happy activities into the other ones.Its a different problem, but my room is the only place where I feel that I can truly relax, and Ive found that as long as I have my iPod and my headphones, I can keep that sense of security going in triggery situations, because I know that if things became too much, I could just plug in to the right playlist, and feel alright.Using the energy that you can find to keep doing at least one that that you find interesting and/or like doing should have a snowballing effect. Suicide certainly isnt the answer here, because its possible for thing to get better. Ive been Suicidal for 1839 days now, and its often on my mind, but I do what I need to do to get through the day, and enjoy what I can. Id recommend trying to identify everything that still feels normal, and trying to extend them as much as possible, and contacting a suicide hotline if things become really hard.', 'Please contact a suicide hotline before trying anthing, theyll be the best qualified people to help with the immediate Pain. After that, Id recommend taking it day by day, and trying to see if theres a treatment option that would be better for you. Id also recommend looking for an online support community, I know that there are several for schizophenia. They could probably help as well. Above all, please keep in your mind how much change could come of a few things, and just hold on to see if that would be the case, because it could make so much difference. Im open to talking about things if you want to, and again, please contact a suicide hotline to help get through the night.', 'Hmm. I suppose that my recommendation would be to find something that you care-about-enough-that-things-dont-Pain-as-much. Homestuck is one of those things to me, because I find it so true - it resonates with me, and I dont feel alone. I feel that someone else understands me. I get the same feeling when I read Chuck Palahniuck.I try the find-evidence-of-good-things-in-the-world approach as well, watching Luclyn videos on YouTube ususally checks that box.I also multi-task a lot when things are bad - just try and cram your mind with things so that its active on other things.I personally havent found web searchs of things similar to <thing that you like> that effective, but asking people has. Finding good stories, be they fictional or non-fictional, and feeling understood have been the most effective things for me, I think.Hope that that helps somewhat.', 'Thank you for opening up here, it must have been really hard to put something so signficant into words. Above all, Annas death shouldnt mean yours as well. And youre in no way a murderer. No one should have to go through what you both went through. Anna may have had great potential, but what about your potential? Is there a single kind of life that you think that you could still lead?A suicide hotline would be able to really offer some advice on how to cope with losing your family, and with the everything else. Please, try contacting one before trying anything. You shouldnt do anything because you feel guilt towards Mellie - you did nothing wrong.', 'Id recommend contacting a suicide hotline, they would probably know best about how to get physical help. Above all, being in Pain and any psycosis is in no way your fault, and so suicide shouldnt be how things end. Ive been Suicidal for the past 1839 days, and though my experiences have stemmed more from Depression and pseudo-psychotic issues, Im open to help as much as I can. Above all, please contact a suicide hotline, they would most likely be able to give the best advice on how to get physical help.', 'Im open to reasoning about the matter, Ive got 1839 days of being Suicidal in the way of experience. From all my knowledge, the issue is to find a way to deal with the Pain sufficiently, until the source(s) can be removed. Id also recommend contacting a suicide hotline, they are probably also good supportive debaters, and theyll have lots of knowledge on how to cope with things. I understand the Pain, and Suicidal thoughts are a rational occurence when Pain exceeds the resources that you have for coping with Pain. You are in no way a horrible person - your just in Pain. And there will be a way to deal with the Pain, if not remove it.', 'That sounds really painful, and thank you for opening up about it. Ive had a similar kind of experience where I sort of ripped out my heart because it just Pain too much, and now I can barely feel love anymore. Above all, none of its your fault, and no one should be in so much Pain. Its in no way pathetic, or something that you should be ashamed about. Minds are extraordinarily complex, and the way that mental health issues are treated by most is really bad. Ive found that being able to just plug in to a playlist on my iPod and temporarily shut things out has worked for me as a crutch to lean on. The mail provider may also be able to do something. I know how important having my reminder of things is to me, and how hard it must be to not have yours.Theres no way that I could hate you, or even have a reason to. Ive been sitting here trying to work out if theres another way to chase that package. If things get really bad, please contact a suicide hotline before trying anything. You deserve your organs so Tired much, and if I was able to, I would offer you the biggest hug that I could give. Ive found that hugging a pillow can fill some of the void for me when I need it.', 'Thats good to hear, I know how hard it can get at times. I hope that your therapist can offer some help as well, its good to get all that you can.', 'I wish you both all the best. Please, take care.', 'That sounds really hard, I know what overwhelming hostility can feel like. Im open to talking about things, anything that I can do to help. Id recommend contacting a hotline to help cope with the abuse, as theyll definitely be qualified to help, and be able to offer support and options. It sounds to me that if you were able to be distanced from the sources of abuse, youd be able to manage. I really hope that someone can help with that. Id recommend browsing subreddits like this one, or any forums or online communities that can offer support in the mean time, just finding other people that you could feel some unity with. Knowing that youre not alone can make a big difference with the day to day coping.', 'Im sorry, that must be so painful.There are some online resources linked on the subreddits page, though Im not sure how helpful they could be.I, obviously, dont know much about the situation, but ought implies can. If there was nothing that you could have done, then you arent responsible. I know what its like to keep rethinking events, and how long you can keep trying different possibilities it without giving up.I know that I havent really been of help, beyond being a listener, but that story is one of the most beautiful things that Ive ever read. It seemed so honest and true. And thank you for sharing it, because its something that Im sure Ill remember for a long time.', 'Ive been Suicidal for the past 1839 days, and from my experience Suicidal thoughts are in response to simply not wanting to be in Pain.And so from my experience, the best way to minimise thinking about suicide and to not think about it is to find a way to not be in Pain. Whether thats done by distraction (Im a big gamer), painkillers (I find that 4-6 units of alcohol works as a painkiller for me, but I am a happy drunk. Its a situational defence, and it may Tired well not work or even exacerbate Suicidal feelings in others), or being surrounded by happy things (spending time with friends, family, but this is much harder to guarentee, and to have it when you need it).From what I know, the tl;dr of Suicidal thoughts is an extreme reaction to extreme Pain, and so painkiller activities are what I would recommend, though the actual activities that would probably help would most likely be fairly specific to you.I would also recommend contacting a suicide hotline (specific to where you live), but I know googling suicide automatically brings up a hotline number at the top of the page.Im here if you want to talk about things, either on here or somewhere else. From my experience, Ive not yet been able to get rid of the thoughts, just put more important things ahead of them.Hope that this helped, even if it was just for someone to hear you.', 'Sorry? Its been literally five years, plus around twenty days now. I live day by day, and so days seems the best way to measure it.', 'Wow, thats really bad. I was thinking that the professionals would be able to say something useful. I havent had that much experience with any online therapy resources, but I could look around. Im not sure what other offical resources there are.Can you go to the hospital again if you need to?Family stuff can be really hard. Various events have left me with selective mutism, so I find communicating with my family really difficult, which they dont really understand.Do you know if theres any way that you could access some form of free therapy? The waiting lists are usually months long, but I suppose its something to have in the works.My general approach is to try and distract and immerse myself in as much as possible. Books, games, films, shows, music; Im usually multi-tasking them. Anything to make it through the day. Ive now had Suicidal thoughts for 1839 days. Im not sure how helpful the more specific advice that I could give would be. Just whatever it takes to lessen the Pain, and survive the day./hug', 'Above all, the reason why I think that you shouldnt take the step is that you dont control the situation. From my 1839 days of Suicidal experience, I think that the most important factor in suicide is that you retain the option to back out until the last moment. You need to be able to stop. And taking that one step wouldnt let you back out. In the last moment of my attempt I felt pretty much all of the weight of my life and all that it was and would be compared with the amount of Pain that I was in, and it took me to that last moment to change my mind. To try and bear the Pain a little longer, in the hopes that it would eventually stop. Your survival instinct is a lot stronger that you think that it would be, and you need that control to do anything with that knowledge. That just how much is better than nothing.My primary objective everyday is just to survive. Whatever it takes. And so I spend my time distracting myself, immersing myself in enough multi-tasking that I dont feel the Pain as much.Id also ask that you contacted a suicide hotline (details of which are specific to where you live). And before suicide, exaust every other method of dealing with chronic Pain. Whatever helps lessen the Pain is probably better than nothingness.Im open to talking about things some more, and I hope that at least some part of this helped.', 'Honestly, the first that that I feel when reading this is curiosity. I see no reason for guilt, but then my own experiences with it have shown me that it can be pretty irrational.Ive been Suicidal for the past 1839 days, and the main reason for my Pain has been doubt. Doubt that I could ever be good enough. And I think that the first distinction to make is between being good enough for you, and being good enough for others. Doubt also magnifies things, so the reality of your concerns is most probably smaller than what you think. Still, it takes distance from the Pain for that to be helpful.After all my experiences, my goal is a pretty atypical existence, but its one that would be good enough, for me. And I think that my Pain pushed me from focusing on doing things for others, to doing things for myself. Not in a selfish way, but you are you, and you are more or less the only person with the knowledge to figure out who you want to be and what you want to do, be it with you whole life, or the next five minutes.Hey, just from the fact that your a sapient, sentient being, capable of the thought, reason and capacity for emotion and Pain that the writing of this post requires is a high enough standard for you to be good enough in my mind.I highly doubt that even everything could be your fault, and Ive found that analysing my intentions, and all the factors leading into the significant situations has given me enough of a conclusion to put most of those concerns to rest.My biggest concern about me killing myself is that I dont think that anyone would remember me for who I really am - only I know that. I generally have little energy, and thats why I drink a lot of Lucozade. After 1839 days of suffering, my drug of choice is an energy drink deliving glucose.I also seriously doubt that youre ugly. There are many resources online and off for dealing with such concerns, but I also think that if youre capable of writing this post, then youre not ugly. Your body is just a way of interfacing your mind with others. Some people are staticly beautiful, nearly everyone is dynamically beautiful. I nearly always try to avoid photos being taken of me, because nearly all of them are bad, but I know that I have a nice smile - I just dont show through my body on camera.Self-worth and self-love are Tired large and complex things, and its hard to know where to start, but theyll be some for of existence that will be nuturing for you, however atypical it is.I think that the most important thing that I could recommend for you to do is to be able to live for you, be the person that you want to be, and do what you want to do. Its taken me years to be able to go off of my own desires and thoughts rather than others, but it makes so much difference. Its your life, other people dont own any part of it.Im available if you ever want to talk about things in detail, I have a fair amount of experience with this matter.Id also recommend contacting a suicide hotline (details relevant to where you live) when things are really hard, and especially before attempting anything. I hope that at least some of this has helped.tl;dr - Whos awesome? Youre awesome.

Ideation

Do you remember me? We spoke last year, I added you to my friends list and checked up on you on a whim . Im the lady with the blind daughter. I swear Im not a stalker, I was thinking of the things wed spoken of and wanted to see how you were.I hope you havent done anything yet. I hope you know that you touched my heart and the hearts of so many others. I hope you know that you matter, that you have worth. You are not nothing. I cant help you much but If you need some one to talk to Im here. If you need some one. Im here. ', 'He said he was going to kill himself because he was homeless and disabled. Hoping that since this was deleted it means hes okay.

Supportive

you always can kill yourself later:)', 'no need to try them all, just pick one, for a start.', 'that idea helped me to go through some tough periods in my life, i am not a dick. and i am almost isolated from the society already, thanks for that.

Indicator

Im not going to start with the "No, please dont, life is awesome!" crap, but... do you really want to go out this way? You could learn to drive (or if not, a lot of people dont, no biggie), you might be able to earn a little money or make some friends. I dont mean to make light of youre feeling at all; Ive had Depression for years and often feel that there just isnt any point to going on. But is *everything* in your life unfixable?Shit gets real, but I hope youll reconsider giving it another shot. Hugs.', 'Its okay; its not really an easy question to answer. Ive been trying to hang on to the fact that I dont hate everything... but then, sometimes I wonder if feeling nothing is worse, you know? I think its just life in general that leaves my unsatisfied. I just dont see the point.', 'Thanks :)', 'I have been to Australia! Beautiful place. I know there are things to do and places to see. At one time, that intrigued me. Even when I was Tired Depression a few years ago, I could hang on to that. But now, I just dont even care about any of that. Id travel somewhere if someone got me a ticket, but I would just feel neutral. I could take it or leave it. I dont feel joy anymore.', 'I dont know if youll find this helpful, but...At 24, I was dealing with a pretty serious chronic Illness (and Depression) and had been since college. I had to drop out of school a few times and live at home, not working, not doing much of anything except feeling like shit.Im 29 now, and I was able to finish school, get a decent job, and Im in a great relationship. Im still depressed, so I cant promise you thats going to get any better. But even if things look hopeless now, its not too late to pull yourself out of it. Honestly, I felt exactly the same way when I was your age, and the truth is, I was absolutely right to be terrified. I did what I could, and things worked out fine. Either way, its worth attempting to give it another shot. It really, really isnt too late for you. Honor that hesitation youre feeling. If its what you truly wanted, you wouldnt be this afraid. Really, what do you have to lose by going on just a little bit longer? Suicide is always an option... later. Just put it off for awhile. See if things improve.', 'Just hang out with my boyfriend, go out to dinner, watch TV, drink wine, whatever. My life is not at all unpleasant; the problem is Im just not able to give a shit about any of it. ', 'Im sorry to hear that. I dont want to bother you with inane questions or fake sunshine-y claims that "it gets better." But these low points arent permanent. I cant promise that everythings going to be, but I dont think youll feel this awful forever. Ill be thinking about you, and I hope you find peace.', 'First, its great that you are trying to understand her rather than judging her. Second, dont feel guilty about not knowing. When I started cutting, I was an honor student at a good college, had a lot of friends, and was involved in school activities. Sometimes, those are the ones the most vulnerable, because they put too much Pressure on themselves. My parents felt awful that they didnt know what was going on, but it wasnt their fault.If you feel she is in immediate danger, seek medical attention. However, most cutters have no intention of seriously harming themselves. The best advice I can give is to not try and "fix it" for her. Talk to her, spend time with her, hug her, and tell her youve got her back. I know its hard to not be emotional, but try to control your feelings when youre with her. Just do anything you can to let her know that youre by her side, and youll help get her through it.', 'I give a fuck.

Behavior

Im sure you hear this all the time but where you go to college doesnt define you. People brag about where they went to college in effort to validate their own insecurities. It makes people feel good knowing that they can "+1" people even if that "+1" is meaningless in the grand scale of life.High school is a terrible time for a lot of people. I know that it definitely was for me. Believe it or not, it does get better. College is different than HS and the working world is even more different than college. Just give it a chance. I was in the exact same position as you at your age and my life got better. Yours can too! Youve only lived a small fraction of your life and while things seem hopeless at this time, just remember that life is constantly changing.', 'Im 27 and I still dont know what I want to do with my life. Im not thrilled with my career but I make good money so I power through it. If I knew what to do Id be doing it but as of right now, I feel lost and stagnant.I switched careers at age 25 so its not like you have to choose something and stick with it for the rest of your life.', 'Im terrified of my future. I imagine that Im going to end up a single parent in poverty with no friends and no one that cares about me. Basically end up like my parents.I try things to avoid that like staying child free and working hard but I still get overwhelmed with these thoughts.', 'I do so out of compulsion. I have episodes of intense negative emotions that turn into violent hatred of myself and I end up uncontrollably digging my fingernails into my skin until I start bleeding. I guess I do it because I cant think of any other way to vent how I feel or calm myself down.I never self harmed until a year ago. I dont enjoy doing it; its just something that happens during those episodes.', 'There is nothing wrong with going to community college and transferring. If you cannot afford school then this is your smartest option. If youre as poor as you claim then you should have no problem getting enough money through financial aid, your job, and loans (if needed) for two years of CC. If you get stellar grades you may be able to get a full scholarship at a university of your choice.Wouldnt that be better than not going to college at all and staying in your dead end job?', "My boyfriend and I travel for our jobs so there are periods where I'll have the entire place to myself or be in another state alone. It works out and relieves a lot of the tension that comes from living together and being around each other constantly.\n\nI don't like living alone. I've always had a roommate or boyfriend to live with.", 'I can related 100%\n\nI hate the sound of my own name so I\'ve actually changed it legally but my family refuses to call me by my new name and it strikes me, painfully, every time I hear it. I don\'t know why I hated my birth name so much but it\'s always been a problem for me since I was a child.\n\nMy friends don\'t take me seriously either and tell me to "grow up" when I have breakdowns because the things I\'m breaking down about are apparently not "legitimate" or "serious."\n\nI have no advice to you for self acceptance because it\'s something I struggle with even with therapy. But you\'re not alone!', "I get tantrum-like breakdowns usually after arguments with my partner because he is antagonistic and unable to understand the difficulty in how I'm feeling. Its a vicious cycle for me since I get even more upset with how I'm acting and I don't know how to stop so I get more upset and violent towards myself. Eventually I'll calm down and be dissociative and apathetic for the rest of the day.\n\nI didn't have this problem with my previous SO. I think because he was calm and rational; he never gave me more reasons to fuel the fire.\n\nIt's actually best I be alone during these times. Alone I just cry and get over it quickly instead of throwing a violent fit.", 'Very different.My last career was sales and now my new career is mathematical-based / investing.', 'Get a new psychiatrist.They work for you, not the other way around.', "As much as I'd like for this to be true, I doubt there is a correlation. I'm dumb as a bag of rocks. I couldn't do anything academic even if I wanted to.\n\nThis is all anecdotal of course.

Ideation

Do not be sorry. I understand that feeling COMPLETELY. I was actually engaged and called it off last summer to a great guy and went through all these emotions/feelings again. It is Tired difficult for sure. PM me if you need, I will be around. Might be later today, but I am extremely willing to listen. You have my support!', 'Well, I got pregnant when I was 15... Yeah, big surprise there considering it was our first time and the condom broke. He will be 6 in June. Hes actually everything that I have. Being a single parent, trying to work on my own as well as provide for him as put me in south debt financially, mental and Emotional upset stress, and way too much Excessive upper gastrointestinal gas for getting him to and from school during the Asthenia (his school is 30 miles away). Ive been at my job for 3 years and only make $8.03 an hour... I do have an interview with the Cheesecake Factory this Asthenia though. I just cant stretch each penny anymore. Im 22, cant pay my rent because I dont make enough, his father wont agree to a school halfway between us, and I need to stop staring at these pill bottles. ', 'How I did it was I sat my loved one down, said that I needed to have a serious discussion, told them what has been on my mind and that I was constantly thinking about ending my life. I asked for them not to try to argue with me over it but to instead just hold me while I cried. Surprisingly, it helped me for that night. The next day when the thoughts crept back into my mind, I called them up and they knew what was up. It was like having a support system. ', 'I would talk to my son, but it is his dads weekend and I only got him today from 10-7. So when I was getting off work, he was picking him up from my moms. It hurts so bad. ', 'Thats the way that I am, too. Lets get through this together. PM man. We are now friends!!!', 'Talk. Let it out. Get every frustration, things that make you even more depressed, upset, anything. We are here to listen without judgement!', 'This is my first comment Ive ever made on reddit and it is because I read your post and felt the need to make an account. I have been in your shoes before... and let me tell you, it was not a pretty ending. Lets just say that three and a half years have passed and I am finally feeling better without him. You are not alone nor will you ever be. It will be okay once you accept it, let her go, and get through the hell first. ', 'I dont even know how to imagine what you must be going through, but I do know that the first thing you did right today was getting on here and asking to talk to someone. Congrats because you just made new friends who are willing to listen and you get through! ', 'Your brother is watching over you. He would not want you to leave this earth before your time has been called. Believe me... Ive learned this the hard way.', 'Holy moly. Dont get me started on the raise. I asked for a higher pay after three long years and she said no. So I said that when I find a new job, I will be taking it. At the Cheesecake Factory, I would be a cashier in the bakery! They said that I would be responsible for all the cheesecake displays and ringing up customers. I would really love that position in a higher field. Dont get me wrong, Victorias Secret is a nice place to work, but after being screwed over so many times I need to find a place that will help me financially as well as my growing up. ', 'This really helped me. Thank you. Thank you to everyone. And I wont take a swing on you, Id like it if you came to a park and swank with me!!!!!!!!! :-)', 'Well now you have one! Ask and you shall receive. Hello, darling, how have you been today? Anything funny or amusing happen?', 'I love that movie! It is filled with so much adult humor that I never picked up on it until I really started paying attention. You know, I know hopelessness.... Here it is, four in the morning and I am sitting alone at Steak n Shake because my boyfriend refused to move is car so I could back out my car from the driveway. I am not even supposed to be driving because I took my heavy dose Insomnia medication before bed. So I left him in the bed and walked here. A mile. And now he is blowing up my phone saying that he is in the parking lot for me when Im finished? Really, douchebag? Ugh. Lets me hopeless together.', 'Dont cut, PLEASE!! Someone close to me has cut himself all over his body... chest, arms, legs, stomach... and he is now embarrassed of his deep, DEEP scare tissue. Not that scar tissue is what you are thinking about right now, but hopefully you see what I am getting at. Please. It isnt worth it.', 'Absolutely. This is unusual behavior for her (the questioning and sentence structure) and it would probably be in her best interest to seek some help. You could address it casually by bringing up that it concerns you, how it makes you feel to hear her talk like that, ask her how she is really, truly feeling. Let her know that you love her and loved by others. Remind her of things she might not have thought of lately, such as how beautiful, hardworking, and how you admire her for all that she does. Mothers Day is coming up... great opportunity to let her know that you appreciate all that she does!', 'I completely agree with this. It took me several different therapists to find one that I could work the best with, as well as changing Depression medications and dosages to feel better. There are a variety of methods out there to help those suffering and it takes effort to find the one that works best for each individual. ', 'I agree, FUCK CANCER! You can get through this. Do not let the setback, shame of yourself and actions determine how you can recover. Get the treatment. Have surgery. Find new things that make you happy. We are here to cheer you on!!', 'This is long overdue, but I took an absence from reddit. I did get the job with CF and ended up hating it. What I DID get in the end was a full time offer, salary position as a Laboratory Assistant!!!! Yes! I am actually doing MUCH better than the last time I posted anything on here. For the first time in my life, I am able to pay my own rent, bills, car insurance, and a ton of other things. Things are wonderful!', 'There are people on this site RIGHT THIS VERY SECOND that are complete strangers to you... they do not know you, know your past, your name, anything of the sort. But they are here because they want to be a lending ear/eyes to read what you have to say. Why? Because we have unselfish hearts and care about strangers. Take advantage of that. It can truly work!', 'Thank you Tired much. Everyone has made me feel better enough to get through another day. Thank you from the bottom of my heart! If I get the job, I will be sure to let you know :)', 'You are right. Why cant we?', 'Lets wait a day. Or two. Or a Asthenia. Or a month. Lets get some help first, shall we? You say you dont have many friends...Well, hello. My name is Hope and I am a crazy, wild, spontaneous and impulsive person. I laugh at things I think of, cringe when people pop their knuckles, and cry every single time I watch Titanic.Lets be friends! :)', 'Hahahahaha!! This made me laugh tremendously. Thank you! I thought baking her in a tanning bed... Then splashing her with bleach to make it even more painful. :-)', 'I have been in your shoes!!!!! The best thing that I was able to find were places that offer sliding fees, even some places dont charge at all if you are truly in that kind of a rut. I was able to find some online sites of community groups that have Depression and a therapist emails you. Cant remember the name of it but I will try to find it for you if you are interested. ', 'But why end your story here? Every story has a twist... let your twist develope into something bright!', 'I have done that... Made the noose and stared at it. Sometimes once you do make it, you just feel different. Like you took a step and suddenly waited for whatever reason. I had borderline personality disorder... And mental illnesses are a Pain in the butt! I understand the struggle to have relationships, control Depression, outbursts, everything. My older brother is also Bipolar disorder and yes, it can be difficult to understand at times. But what I have learned is that until you find the medicine that works for you, you CANT give up just yet. Find one that works for YOU. ', 'My parents help in all ways that they can, but since we all work, I am still responsible for my end. Mom watches him when I work weekends which is a blessing. My dad works crazy hours. Brother works two jobs. Everyone wants to help, just that it is hard to make it work when we all have different schedules. Being 22, I feel like a 35 year old. ', 'Oh man, I know that feeling... Staring at the pills, wondering if I should take them all. Whenever I get like that, I try to get out and do something. The walk must have been nice. Its been raining here all Asthenia. Kinda peaceful to listen to though.

Behavior

Im over the people that have Pain me in the past. I wouldnt say Im upset by my past, Im more afraid of the future. Im a lot happier when Im with my boyfriend because he always makes sure Im smiling and laughing. I know that I want to move in with him, but my employment status is the sole thing keeping me from being with him where Im happy. Im miserable at home, because Im usually alone. It makes me feel bad because he wastes a lot of Excessive upper gastrointestinal gas to come see me. If I was able to hold down a job, I could be with him all the time, and since someone would always be there with me I wouldnt worry about my safety as much at home.', 'Im planning on going to school for bartending, but I cant afford to pay for the schooling.', 'Working out makes me feel like shit. Id rather just hang out at the library and have some quiet time to learn more about topics that interest me', 'Its really hard for me to trust my boyfriend because Ive been in so many mentally and physically abusive relationships. Every single person that Ive ever been with has cheated on me. It makes me unable to trust people, because all I know is being lied to and used. The only reason Im trying to get help is because I love my boyfriend, and see a future with him. ', 'I get extremely Stress out in retail or fast food jobs due to having anxiety. I have more issues with getting a job because I was arrested for shoplifting a few months ago. Any retail job is almost impossible for me to get, and I just cant deal with working with food. Im not a Tired desirable person to hire.', 'Ive gotten over most of the bad things in my past. Its just that I have this overall hopeless feeling. I feel like everything will be for nothing in the end. It doesnt help that I dont have any friends. Because of this, my boyfriend receives 100% of my venting. I dont feel like its fair, so I tend to keep quiet until it builds up and I explode.

Ideation

I know that feel, bro. Carry on, there IS hope. There are girls who would die for someone like you. Just through your writing I can tell that youre smart, curious, driven, caring, and a boat load of other awesome adjectives. And its ok if you dont believe any of that now, Ive been there. Last November I was hospitalized after hitting rock bottom; I was completely hopeless and lost. And I too have never had a girlfriend, a kiss, or any romantic contact whatsoever. But I know Ill meet plenty next year in college. So yeah, I tend to ramble without any actualized course when I write, so Ill spare you that one. All youve gotta do is continue to exist. It gets better. :)

Behavior

Please dont Pain yourself. Ive had PTSD for going on 40 years now. Its got progressively better for me. I tried to kill myself twice -- and Im *Tired* glad I failed. Just for today, try and go on. Were here to help.', 'I used to do this. It stopped when I found a support group (it was [Al-Anon](http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/) in my case). You may benefit from talking to someone on 1-800-273-8255. It helps to talk about your serious Depression. It may help you to be calm.', 'Call 911 NOW.', 'Your boyfriends behaviour is his behaviour. You are not to blame for his erratic mood swings.> And I am so scared to leave him, because he has an awful family life and I feel like Im his only support.In response to this Id say simply that 1. You are not qualified to help him 2. Even if you were qualified to help him you are too close to do so 3. You being with him and permitting his illegal and toxic behaviour is making his condition progressively worse. You under the illusion that your behaviour is somehow helping him. Im so sorry, it isnt. 4. **YOU ARE IN DANGER**.> Ive been keeping up this facade for almost two years. I kept up a facade for my alcoholic parent for decades. The facade was worthless, *everybody knew already*. Trust me, some people know whats happening in your toxic relationship.I think you would benefit from reading some of the material on [this](http://www.nnsd.com) website.My counsel is this. Your suffering is making your boyfriend sicker, and he has progressed in his mental Illness (I am not qualified to diagnose it) because you allow his abuse to sustain by not having him arrested and exposing him to mandatory treatment. This is not your fault, as you did not realise. Its not too late. Now, you are so worn out you are here on /r/suicidewatch. All other priorities are rescinded. You need to forget *everything* but your personal safety. I recommend you need to leave immediately, if you so choose. I believe your life is in danger, and you need to act accordingly.At this time a lot of your anguish is from dissonance. Your instincts are screaming at you to **GO! GO!! GO!!!** And you are over-ruling your instincts. Rule 1 of self defense: NEVER overule your instincts.You need to get out of there and focus on surviving the next couple of hours. Tomorrow can look after itself. You have got to go.I recommend you call the police and charge your boyfriend. I cannot make you do this, but hope you will choose this sensible course.If you leave your abusive boyfriend and get help for yourself you will start to feel better. Sad, but better.', '> And as a result, like nothing else, its directed my mind towards sub appropriate places.When I went through a sequence of misfortunes, my mind got twisted up and my perspective was horrifically distorted. I Pain myself badly, as a result. However, with therapy, a new approach, massively reduced drinking and support Ive now got a rational perspective on life. There is a LOT of sadness, but thats OK. Sadness doesnt Pain the way Denial does.I dont want to offer advice, because advice doesnt help. However, I think that until we have a sane perspective the whole world seems toxic. Alcohol doesnt help. You are not at all disgusting; you are wholesome; we are wholesome. With help, we see this. Hugs.', '**Call 9-1-1 NOW.**', 'Do you have family members who abuse alcohol or drugs?', 'They will. More Hugs. :)', 'Get her to contact 1-800-273-TALK. Shed benefit from talking to a professional.Sounds to me like youre her best friend. Thats no kind of friend to say to her what that person said to her.Shes mourning the death of her relationship; thats rough.For bullying, she will find www.nnsd.com helpful. Marc MacYoung is also Tired cool about contacting people who mail him, and he will have some effective solutions to bullying.Hope this helps.', '> My parents are barely functioning alcoholics. I was raped at the beginning of this school year and no one believes me. One of my parents is an alcoholic. I found attending [Al-Anon](http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/) helpful.Really, dont worry about your grades. The priority now is to begin to deal with your long term Depression and your dysfunctional family. Id begin by suggesting you call 1-800-723-TALK; and get support outside of your Sorority and relationship. They are not qualified to help you.Do not Pain yourself. Help is available to you. Hugs.', 'I hear you. Please try contacting...1-800-273-TALK(1-800-273-8255)orText Telephone:1-800-799-4TTY(1-800-799-4889)No unhappiness is too great to be lessened. I hope you are eating properly. Sometimes when you are low, self-care is like moving in lead armour, but its so, so necessary.', '> Sooner or later in life everyone discovers that perfect happiness is unrealizable, but there are few who stop to consider the antithesis; that perfect unhappiness is equally unattainable.-- Primo Levi, "Survival in Auschwitz"> No matter what problems you are dealing with, we want to help you find a reason to keep living. By calling 1-800-273-TALK (8255) you\xe2\x80\x99ll be connected to a skilled, trained counselor at a crisis center in your area, anytime 24/7.National Suicide Prevention Lifeline Phone Number1-800-273-8255 (H-E-L-P) [Click **HERE** to Chat](http://www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org/)Dear /u/deathtourist -- WOW, sounds like you are really under tremendous strain. Please remember, that your BF simply cannot help you -- not because he lacks the desire to, but because hes not qualified and too close to you to qualify even if *he was qualified*.You are not at all stupid to reach out for help. Its awesome that in the dark place you are right now you are giving it a shot. Well done.I think that losing your Grandfather qualifies you for compassionate leave, and that might be the best thing.Please talk (or chat) to someone on the hotline. Were here to help. There is no unhappiness too great to be lessened. I know you feel awful right now, but it will (s-l-o-w-l-y, Im sorry to say) begin to get better. Hang on. Hugs.', 'For what its worth -- you seem to be describing "Intrusive Thoughts" which just wander into ones mind and wander out again. Someone once described this a "Council in your head" where different characters interact. You dictate your own actions, and are free to discount or reject any thoughts that present themselves for your approval.I find "naming" the "character" who creates these thoughts (I often have critical intrusive thoughts) helpful. I have one dude "Gollum" who isnt Tired helpful, but I find identifying a negative thought and accepting that its passing through helpful.Perhaps you might want to discuss this with someone? 1-800-273-8255 might offer more qualified advice that I can?Your thoughts arent you. Hugs.', 'Good, please keep going. Unfortunately, Depression has to be chased out :( and its never easy. One day at a time, I guess :)', 'Im glad to hear from you. I dont have any Sharp Pain and/or easy solutions. I strongly recommend you talk to someone on 18002738255. I am currently at work, but will get back to you as soon as I can. It seems to me, as you are on /r/suicidewatch that the current situation is unsustainable, and something *MUST* change. Just because we accept something, doesnt mean we have to like it. You have alternatives regarding GR surgery, and I honestly believe, as tough as they may be, they are better than depending on a Narcissistic Birthgiver whose promises may not be worth anything anyhow.Please contact 1-800-273-8255 and have a talk. ', 'That sounds rough. Please remember that your situation is out of the ordinary. In time you will live somewhere else, and have friends there, or if you decide to stay you will have friends where you are. The present moment sounds grim, but its not going to be like that forever. Im at work, but will get back to you ASAP. Hugs and my thoughts are with you on the morning after Thanksgiving. Its going to get better for sure.', 'Well done for trying.', 'Here is a link to a [POST](http://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/2n979i/how_i_deal_with_my_depression/) I made which, among a few other things, describes my "In-The-Head-Council". It helps a lot when I "name" the "Personas" that try and chatter in my head. It also helps me accept and manage. e.g. "Gollum" is Mr. Negative; when he starts sayin his negative piece I simply accept, and tell him to STFU.I dont suffer from DID, but I do have intrusive thoughts. Accepting that this simply happens, but I can choose to accept, reject or consider such thoughts is helpful.Remember, the subtext to your IT is that you may need to take a short 5 minute "spell" & take it easy on yourself. Have a hug! :)', 'Sometimes when we are exposed to a pattern of abuse (Tired common in dysfunctional families like ours) we feel like we are the crazy ones. We arent. Our families are fucked.Im glad you feel a little bit better. Your Father is insane. You are on /r/SuicideWatch -- its time to take drastic action -- I think you need to take a break from your family and have no contact with them. If your father throws a tantrum (Narcs have behaviour patterns akin to 2 year olds) then you *will know he is insane*. *Appearing Rational* and *Being Rational* arent the same. Narcs have immense powers of illusion. Take those away from them and they are pitiful freaks. Sadly, the Prognosis for Narcs in never good -- you can only go No Contact & Stop Enabling them... But whatever you do, do not harm yourself. Hugs. ', 'You are welcome. Dont hate yourself. Dont hate.', '[This may help.](https://courageousclarity.wordpress.com/2015/02/04/escaping-Depression/)', 'I think you might benefit from /r/raisedbynarcissists. Your father is a criminal, and you have proof of breaking and entering. I would recommend reporting him to the police.Your Dad is gaslighting you. Stay away from him.Id recommend checking out www.nnsd.com. Can you change the locks on your apartment with your Landlords consent? Talk to your Landlord.HugsPS> of pretending to have Depression for attentionYour Father [may fit the bill as a sociopath](http://www.lightshouse.org/the-sociopath-parent.html#axzz3JV7q8hsR). If he is, hes an inadequate monster, more deserving of pity than hatred. *But you do need to stay away from him and his Enablers!*', 'It might help if you spoke to [1-800-273-TALK](http://www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org/). I also wonder if a lightbox might not help lift your Depression -- as you describe it it seems to be initiated by darkness. ', 'Im afraid that your relationship with this person isnt the solution. Any relationship where you "cant live without someone" is, Im sorry to say, IMO unhealthy.I think you need to keep the focus on yourself. A relationship will never give you what you need. You must build a relationship with yourself first and above all.[Lifeline is here to give you the support you deserve](http://www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org/). Hugs. It does get better. I know.', '[Have you been to this kind of interview?](http://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/2hfi10/serious_what_question_did_you_refuse_to_answer_in/cksnf43)Do any of these names sound familiar?Chris NiarchosMichael ScullyMike BlaneJames OGradyTony FernandezJames BucklyeLiam LawlessPaul BurkettRory OFarrellShane WardCommission only, cost-mark-up, kind of like a Pyramid Sales Scam. About 1 in 10,000 of people who work at the job for over a year make about 70,000 -- 100,000 USD per year. The rest earn a pittance for 14 hours hard labour. Dont make the mistake I made. If you have fallen for this, leave ASAP. There is nothing for anyone here.If anyone knows of names of this (international) network of "individual" sales cult companies please add their name in comments.Appco Group, The Cobra Group, Flawless Marketing Limited, Roar Promotions Ltd, DS-Max, Mantra Marketing.', '> Im Tired of trying so hard just to have friends, someone to talk to. You need to be heard. But although friends can be a help, you actually really need to find a support group. > I have a superiority complex, despite my self image, I look down upon people. When I look into the mirror I see nothing but disgust, an image that I dont want to present to people. I dont want to be the person I look down upon myself.Does anyone in your family or did anyone in your family abuse alcohol or drugs? That sounds Tired like me when I was growing up. As an Adult Child of an Alcoholic I felt just the way you describe. I despised myself just as I despised others.My first step to recovery was to begin by stopping hating others and myself. I think you could benefit by checking out /r/alanon and think about attending a support group. You probably qualify for Al-Anon or Nar-Anon.I think you need to talk to someone and consider getting some help. ', 'One thing that has helped me with my OCD is to remember, always "Im not the centre of the Universe!". I would feel responsible for *everything*. "If only..." *was* my catchphrase.Now, the good news is you are perfectly normal. You are not ugly, nor are you retarded. IMO, you need to talk to yourself as you would a cherished friend. One thing I cannot Stress enough. The solution to Life is within, not without. If you looked different (you are NOT ugly) etc. you would still have Life to deal with.A good cure for OCD is to get involved a bit. Do not strive to "Be percieved as"; strive to "Be". Be a good person. That is within your power.Anyhow, please remember that when you do start thinking of yourself as "ugly" or "retarded" your perception is distorted, and actuality is Tired different from your percieved reality. Hope this helps -- glad you are getting help. Well done. Keep it up.', 'I recovered from a nasty break-up by going NO CONTACT. I did not email, call, or talk to my ex. It helps to cut off contact.Im going to suggest to you that you might want to try being grateful for the break-up. Sometimes, just because we accept something, doesnt mean we have to like it. And the same is true of Lifes harsh but helpful learning experiences.Now is the time to build a good relationship with yourself. Literally take yourself out on dates; do good things for yourself. You are an awesome person and your worth is defined by You. Sometimes it takes a lot of work to build a healthy relationship with yourself.Flush the pills. Abstain from self-harm. You have power over yourself.', '\xe2\x80\x9cSooner or later in life everyone discovers that perfect happiness is unrealizable, but there are few who stop to consider the antithesis; that perfect unhappiness is equally unattainable.\xe2\x80\x9dPrimo LeviI srongly recommend you seek help for your Depression.', 'I strongly recommend you flush the pills down the toilet. Seriously. You have commented here and that ISNT a mistake.', '> Im a loser in every sense of the wordFirst things first; make a real effort to stop the negative dialogue you have with yourself. Your perceptions are clearly distorted, and how you see yourself and how you are are not the same thing.I would strongly suggest you seek support, therapy and maybe go on meds to deal with your perception issues. A job will not change how you see yourself, and right now you are too harsh on yourself. Well done for reaching out; now if you can start working on ways to limit your Anxiety then you will start to find that your life begins to fix itself. I know.', 'Dear **Originality_101**. I care about you, and you are not alone. You are not sane right now, and I want you to talk this over. Please kindly call 1-800-273-TALK (8255) you\xe2\x80\x99ll be connected to a skilled, trained counselor at a crisis center in your area, anytime 24/7.National Suicide Prevention Lifeline Phone Number1-800-273-8255 (H-E-L-P) [Click **HERE** to Chat](http://www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org/)Michel de Montaigne wrote... *It is the part of cowardice, not of courage, to go and crouch in a hole under a massive tomb, to avoid the blows of fortune.*I believe in you, and you are not a coward. Dont kill yourself, dont prove me wrong.', 'You are welcome. Please dont harm yourself. You are valuable, and things will improve. You can change the way your life is, and its worth the effort.', 'Whenever I think about "Whats it all for?" I come back to the quote from "Full Metal Jacket". > The Dead know one thing, and one thing only. It is better to be alive.Most people are not alive to the incredible improbability of what being alive actually means. We get a few dozen trips around the Sun, and thats it. Atheist here. Although I find Reincarnation a fun concept, if I lose all recall I am no longer. Life is, and we are. Lets talk.', 'Im working right now, but I hope you are doing OK.', 'I care about you too, Throwaway_1101101. Hang in there, its awesome that you are asking for help.', 'You are welcome. I would suggest you try the chat solution? Im sorry you had a bad experience.There are solutions. If you have been impacted by alcohol/drug abuse from a family member (even a grandparent) Al-Anon or Nar-Anon can really help.', 'Talk to someone on [1-800-273-TALK](http://www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org/)Its really tough what you are going through, but you are not alone.', '1-800-273-TALK', 'While you are alive, Life can always get better.', 'Im glad you are putting some of your Feeling angry out here on /r/suicidewatch.', 'Al-Anon is for the family of the alcoholic. You would go. His recovery is up to him.Hes been court-ordered to AA as a Hail Mary Pass; if he continues to abuse substances then the prognosis is not good.I suggest you give Al-Anon a try, as it will be supportive for you. It really helped me :)', 'Might I suggest a support group for people suffering from Depression? I know its a colossal effort to do *anything* when you are feeling low.', 'I think you should call 9-1-1 and get help NOW.', '\xe2\x80\x9cSooner or later in life everyone discovers that perfect happiness is unrealizable, but there are few who stop to consider the antithesis; that perfect unhappiness is equally unattainable.\xe2\x80\x9d-- Primo Levihttp://www.libertyinnorthkorea.org/Dealing with the truly horrific is something that helped lift me out of a 37-year-long depression. For some reason, discovering just how truly awful the World *can be* & trying to make a miniscule difference helped me a tiny bit. Give it a try.http://www.redditp.com/r/holokauston', 'Ouch. It sounds Tired tough. When I was feeling down I talked to the [Samaritans](http://www.samaritansusa.org/contact.php) and that helped some?You dont have to deal with this colossal load all by yourself. ', 'Please reconsider. I tried to kill myself when I was 19, and Im now REALLY glad I failed.', 'There is a UK based bipolar support group you can find [here](http://www.bipolaruk.org.uk/self-help-group-map.html) with multiple meetings that may help?Try to eat and try to exercise a little. Im glad youre here, and you have people to turn to.', 'You should call the hotline ASAP.', 'National Suicide Prevention Lifeline Phone Number1-800-273-8255', 'Please call 1-800-273-TALK. Your life is not worthless. I wouldnt be on here if it was. Please talk to someone about this.', '> I feel so subhuman and inferior that things that are normal for others seem impossible for me. > Don\xe2\x80\x99t Compare Your Behind-the-Scenes to Other People\xe2\x80\x99s Highlight Reel> Feelings arent factsIf somebody is laughing at you, then they have issues, not you. Unfortunately your abusive siblings and abusive/minimizing parents have helped you form a warped perspective on life.Keep working at it. If you have been affected by somebody elses drug abuse or alcohol abuse then you may want to consider Al-Anon or Nar-Anon; the kind of people you will find at these meetings may be the kind of people you need to spend time with. Hugs.', 'Put Pressure on your self-inflicted injury and call 911. Do so now.', 'Hugs. Hugs, and more hugs.Your whole family is impacted by your brothers alcoholism. I suggest you think about Al-Anon; here is a [link to their over-the-phone meetings](http://www.phonemeetings.org/), they are Tired helpful. Here are some [links](http://www.iamtransgendered.com/SupportGroups.aspx) for TG Support Groups.As an Adult Child of an Alcoholic, I am Tired familiar with the grinding Anxiety and the judgement that gets flung around in an alcoholic family. Remember this: You are NOT to blame; you have every right to be treated with dignity and loving-kindness. If people fall short of this minimum standard **THATS ON THEM and THEIR CONSCIENCES (if any!)** NOT on you. Im sorry you live in a Red State, but that doesnt necessarily mean that everyone who lives in the same state is ignorant and misguided.Now you are here on /r/suicidewatch, and this is concerning. So Ill say what I always say: All other priorities are rescinded -- you need to get the help and support you deserve. Remember that there is no unhappiness too great to be lessened.You are a wonderful TG Person, and all that you have is a severe case of stress. Your brothers alcoholism is driving everyone who knows him into dysfunction. He needs to get help, but thats up to him -- you cant do it for him. If he is offering violence, then you need to consider having him arrested. His habit is dangerous to his health and highly illegal.Your Dad is putting Pressure on you because hes suffering from stress. Get help, I heartily recommend Al-Anon, but please do it only if you feel its right for you. Its not a religious programme, and all meetings are there for anyone and everyone -- LGBT, Hetro, Pan -- Sexuality is not an issue in Al-Anon.Please get help. You are a gorgeous, wonderful person, and deserve help and support.', '> i honesty wish i could kill myself, but i cant. Good, Im Tired glad to hear it. OK, for what its worth...You need help, & you need support. Support your Friends & Family are simply 1) Not Qualified to Give & 2) Even if they *were* qualified they would be too enmeshed to do so.I would recommend you call 1-800-273-8255. I am familiar with the grinding relentless Anxiety, and I would strongly recommend you might want to try [Nar-Anon, the support group for family of addicts](http://www.nar-anon.org/). If you are here, then all other priorities are rescinded, and you MUST get help. Your friends simply cannot (not will not -- cannot) give you the help and support you deserve and need.Im glad you posted here, and you do need to get help. Hugs.', 'As a qualified doctor, your position is actually Tired strong. Talk to your creditors and explain they can 1) Not get paid or 2) Wait to get paid.Worse case scenario, you go bankrupt. *You are still alive*, and right now, things can *only* get better. One day at a time. Sleep, get some exercise, and deal with today and today only. When things are tough, break it down so its a little bit at a time. You are on SW so you are *already* moving forward. Baby steps and all will be well.\xe2\x80\x9cRemember that man lives only in the present, in this fleeting instant; all the rest of his life is either past and gone, or not yet revealed. Short, therefore, is mans life, and narrow is the corner of the earth wherein he dwells.\xe2\x80\x9dMarcus AureliusLive in the Now, and you will find source for a great deal of happiness. Your wife is a brick, and she will be happy just knowing you have decided to go on living, and remember"The Dead know only one thing, and one thing only. It is better to be alive."Live for today, and tomorrow will be dealt with tomorrow. Its going to be OK. Practice your caligraphy, and keep taking your AD medication (or get on some if you do not have any!). As someone who has suffered from Depression for 40-odd years I know that sometime it is rough. But with treatment Life "Re-engages" IYKWIM. There is always Hope.> Sooner or later in life everyone discovers that perfect happiness is unrealizable, but there are few who pause to consider the antithesis: that perfect unhappiness is equally unattainable. The obstacles preventing the realization of both these extreme states are of the same nature: they derive from our human condition which is opposed to everything infinite. Primo Levi, Survival in Auschwitz', 'You are carrying a heavy load. I find that life is better if I focus on myself and focus on now. Then I can address my Pain.You are a decent person; I hope reading this helps.', 'You are asking for help, well done. ', 'You might want to try talking to someone at [the Samaritans](http://www.samaritansusa.org/contact.php). Ive been at the place you describe, and it *does and can* get better.', 'As a long term sufferer from CPTSD, I get it. The grinding Anxiety about the future is a bear for sure. I find reading Marcus Aurelius restful, and I came across this quote a little while after my last reply that I thought Id share...\xe2\x80\x9cRemember that man lives only in the present, in this fleeting instant; all the rest of his life is either past and gone, or not yet revealed. Short, therefore, is mans life, and narrow is the corner of the earth wherein he dwells.\xe2\x80\x9dMarcus AureliusIf one can make that fleeting instant pleasant by desiting from worry and focusing on the *now* then Life begins to improve.Please do call the support line and get help. CPTSD and ongoing abuse is a dreadful mix. We have the courage to change and it is *always* worth the effort.', '> They keep getting closer and I get jack shit except for complaints about how "fucking stupid" I am and how lazy I am. Ive had a friend in the past who really wasnt a friend at all. It sounds to me as if you could use some help and some time away from these people.Youre on /r/suicidewatch; you literally have nothing to lose. Perhaps its better to lose your "friends" if they are just wholly negative toward you? I am learning to be a good friend to myself. Its really important.', 'From your username, it could be that you have issues with addiction? It might be worthwhile starting attending NA meetings if that is the case (and/or Nar-Anon if you have family members who have addictions). Addressing these issues may help you on the gradual move towards feeling OK, if you know what I mean.It can get better, and there is help for you.', '[1-800-273-8255](http://www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org/) hugs', '> I wanted to end my life over something so stupid I laugh at it now, maybe mine wasnt as terrible but i still thought of suicide. Me too! ', '> Its embarrassing being an adult living with your parents, working part time at a minimum wage job.Dont let it get you down. I lived with my parents until I was 27. Right now, you are *trying*, and that, my friend, is fuckin awesome.Right now idiots your age are rushing off to die in some sandy shithole murdering at the beck of sociopaths. Yet you are at home, working hard to try and *make* something of yourself. Fuck yeah, you rock dude.You feel like you are not going anywhere. **Feelings arent facts**.Call someone on the support line, talk it over. Your writing is excellent, BTW. You have a lot going for you. Youre still Tired, Tired, Tired young. Please get old. Believe me, Life changes, and if you keep working at it, it gets easier.', 'First of all, Happy Birthday for 11/21/2014. You share a birthday with [JRR Tolkiens son](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Christopher_Tolkien).Having read your post, its clear to me, that your "friends" who are declining to repay you are scum. Your ex-BF is...>my bf barely shed a tear and actually went as far as to say that I lack good morals bc Im so upset over a rabbitYour ex-BF sounds mildly Delusional disorder and clearly has issues. Hes not able to give you the support that you need.First of all, well done for coming here. IMO you need to be more self-focused. Dont help your friends out. Friendships are essentially micro-economies, and if its all red on your side of the balance sheet, then you need to call it. Period. You are an awesome person, but youre burnt out through over-giving.Your father has been incredibly inconsiderate...> My birthday was friday and not many people said anything about it. My father didnt say a word to me. Its time to say, "OK, enough already". Youre on /r/suicidewatch it doesnt get much worse than this. Spend some time talking on (National Suicide Prevention Lifeline Phone Number) 1-800-273-8255.I will be here for you. Im at work at the moment, but reply to my post and I will be back.Happy Birthday and a hug from me. You are an awesome, smart person. Youve just had too much to deal with.Im so sorry about your rabbit. The Vets clearly incompetent.Get the help you deserve and clearly need. Put the focus on yourself. You are NOT required to set yourself on fire in order to keep other people warm.More hugs. ', '> he does feel guiltyQuestion... do you see him feeling guilt, or does *he tell you hes feeling guilt*?In any case, he is not respecting your boundaries (and neither is your Mother! She is supporting him in this) and this needs to end. Hes gaslighting you, and I would suggest leaving a match fragment balanced in an inconspicous place or similar. Then you will know he has entered your domicile. He is breaking and entering -- *just because he has means of egress does not mean he is legally authorised to do so*. He is violating his Employers Trust and can lose his job for this.He needs to wake the fuck up.Hope you are doing OK. De Nada, anything I can do to help.', '[1-800-273-8255](http://www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org/)> I feel as if I am a huge disappointment who can do nothing right whenever I do something for someone which is almost every day I get told how I screwed it up or how it could be betterIt sounds to me as if you are giving out too much. For what its worth> I am not obligated to set myself on fire to keep you warm.Furthermore, you seem to be around hypercritical people who may be projecting their inadequacies on you. It might be worthwhile reviewing the economies of your relationship.With regard to your Fiance, I am somewhat concerned. If your relationship where the concept of being without her is unthinkable, then its probably unhealthy.I dont want to give you advice because Im simply not qualified. However, given that you are here, I think the best thing you can do is call the hotline and discuss your feelings. That may help. And it may be time to sit down with a cup of coffee and try to work out what you want. Dont Pain yourself. You are a caring, loving person. IMO you are giving too much and caring too much. Its OK to give, but not to the point where you are Asthenia and Asthenia and contemplating self-harm. Thats a "STOP!" sign right there.You have to start focusing on self-care. All other priorities must be rescinded. You are not obligated to set fire to yourself to keep others warm.', 'Sorry, but Im just going to say you shouldnt harm yourself. Youre here, were here to help.', 'Welcome back to actuality. You are Tired brave to tell this, and its a healthy decision. I strongly suggest you talk this out with someone on [1-800-273-TALK](http://www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org/). You may need treatment for what sounds a bit like [pure O OCD] (http://www.steveseay.com/pure-o-ocd-pure-obsessional-ocd/). Please get help.', 'De Nada :)Ive tried to commit suicide twice and I failed both times. Im really, really, really grateful that I failed. Its always better to be alive.> Sooner or later in life everyone discovers that perfect happiness is unrealizable, but there are few who pause to consider the antithesis: **that perfect unhappiness is equally unattainable.**The obstacles preventing the realization of both these extreme states are of the same nature: they derive from our human condition which is opposed to everything infinite.*Primo Levi, Survival in Auschwitz*[More quotes](http://www.goodreads.com/author/quotes/4187.Primo_Levi)Please feel free to PM me. Im at work for a while, but will reply when I can :)', 'You are welcome. I find the "Full Metal Jacket" quote the "usque ad finem" of "Why am I alive?"Im alive because Im not dead yet, and death will be for a long, long time.', 'Agreed.', 'OK Im here for you. Having a Narc Birthgiver and sustained a tremendous amount of abuse, I know how you feel.There is much, much more to my life than managing Pain. It is unbelievable how much better it can be.Advice isnt what you

Attempt

i watched a documentary where they talked about a guy who played blues guitar.... he got polio and was crippled, i believe he also was badly injured in a stampede during a fire in a night club... anyway, this guy was in a wheel chair and did not have full use of his arms/hands... he taught himself to play by using a butterknife to play chords and as a slide... he adapted to his condition and was able to keep making music... if he could adapt, you can too.... somehow his Disability made his music that much more powerful and impressive. also, you are a good person, that girl was so lucky you were there. dont kill yourself, the world needs people like you.', 'Learn to play an instrument or paint. People with hard lives make the best art. U could be a great blues musician. ', 'youll miss out on the next tupac, biggie and other greats. i cant wait to see the next "the greatest" ', 'hey, zeppelin rules. if youre a zeppelin fan, that means (obviously) you enjoy and appreciate their music. (and probably other awesome music too? maybe CREAM?) anyway, if you appreciate the music then of course there are things out there that you can enjoy, music and otherwise. And who know... what if the next zeppelin or jimmy page is right around the corner? it would suck if you missed out on discovering them. imagine how you felt the first time you heard Stairway to Heaven (or whatever song you dig?) and know that that "OMG this is awesome" moment can/will happen again... so long as you stick around.

Supportive

Ive recently had a string of unfortunate freak accidents in the same vein, the kicker was my bitchy dog (pun intended as she was a lady) died of bone cancer. Ive had her since I was itty bitty, so I know that feeling. Doesnt help that it was preceded and proceded by a string of baby animals under my care dying. Sure the chances werent good to begin with, but every little death has just chipped away at my soul since then. My mother has a hobby farm and all I can see anymore is a bunch of things I love Im going to have to watch die.As to your question, Criminal justice, see Clerks 2 for how that goes, "What were we, trying to be Batman?" The job market for the Batman is understandably limited. ', 'Honestly, I dont know. I originally wanted to be a lawyer, then I thought about just going into law enforcement in general, but I mentally talked myself out of it, and I really dont think I have the right mindset to be enforcing anything. Not to mention, guns scare the shit out of me and I doubt Id be able to use one, BB guns make me nervous. Yeah, so that degree is entirely worthless. As are my many, MANY credits in other fields. ', 'No, it couldnt, my method isnt going anywhere and Im trying to convince myself that I shouldnt by snuggling with puppies. Its not working. All I can think is how I dont want to see them grow up and die just like every single other thing Ive ever loved in my life that isnt a human being. Which would be everything but like five people.

Ideation

The life you described may not be worth living but you dont have to accept *that* life.So tell us more about yourself, why are you a fuck up and a disappointment?', 'Well you should either just go to AA and keep it a secret or acknowledge that getting help isnt something to be embarrassed about. How long have you stuck to an AA program?', 'I just want to say I am glad you posted this and I hope I or someone else can help you out. Ive been involved with drugs, never heroin, but I do know how difficult it can be to get clean and you should definitely take pride in that. If you can overcome a heroin addiction, you CAN overcome Depression, they both require the same determination and motivation so you CAN beat this.Having said that, it seems to me that there are three things you need to deal with, in order:1. Your own Depression, you need to get a handle on this, beat it. Have you taken any steps toward this, like maybe getting help from a therapist or talking to your doctor?2. Do what you can to help your ex, even if you never date again you still care about her and when you care about people you try to help them. So if you can, figure out what steps SHE is taking to deal with her Depression and bipolar tendencies. Is she on medication? Seeing a doctor? A therapist? If she isnt, you need to encourage her to do so.Having said that, you need to understand that you are not going to be able to force her to get help nor are you responsible for doing so. You have limited options and all you can do is exhaust them.3. Your relationship with her....the best way to address this one is to help yourself get over your Depression and do what you can to help her get over hers. Once the two of you are doing better, you can talk about where to go from there. Maybe you get back together, maybe she stays with this current guy, maybe neither.But first you both have to get help', 'Yes therapy works and you should give it a try.If you dont need it, you can stop at one appointment.If you feel it helps and the therapist agrees, go again!', 'It sounds like Mary is a bit of a bitch, someone just using you.>I skip too many classes and end up fucking myself out of it. I even changed my major to undeclared, but I cant stay in because I always ask myself why Im there.What do you do when you skip?>-I have not had my own room my entire life. I still have a fucking bunk bed for christs sake.This sucks, but you are 20, plenty of time to change man>-I feel like I missed out on the entire high-school experience. While kids were off hanging out or skipping school to get drunk, I shyed away or was never invitedI was the kid who went to every party, I got kicked out of school and was using drugs while my peers were partying AND going to schoolI guess my point is, yea you missed out and that sucks, but we all miss out on something, you have to focus on the future and how you can experience what you want to experience.>-My family. My brother has gotten a weird attitude recently and has been a jerk to everyone, my father is as close to me as we are to the sun and my mother is an overbearing control freakFamily can suck, if they arent supportive just try to block them out and keep them from holding you down.>-My current friends. Besides Mary, Im upset at my friends. Sometimes I dont know why, but other times I feel like they take advantage of me because Im the only friend with a carMaybe they are, if that is the case then go make new friends!>-The only thing I do is play videogames and I hate it. I have nothing to do and it drive me insane sometimesWhy dont you start a daily exercise program, have something to do AND get in better shape?>So, why do I keep going, reddit? Why should I possibly keep doing what I do every day? Why go to bed excited for the dawn of a new day? I dont want your "itll get better" messages, I want some fuel for my fire.So you can be happy, get into shape, meet people you like, get a job you like, meet someone you love, take her to Paris or the Moon, have children, buy Reddit...What meds are you on and were you honest with your therapist?', 'lol noooBut I do think "Meh, if worst comes to worst I can always rob a bank and flee to Canada"', 'Not that bad!Assuming you live somewhere in the south and wont freeze.Why not try walking there, maybe you wont even go anywhere, just walk 3 miles and back. Get away from the house for an hour and a half and get some exercise while doing it', 'Try to set aside some time for yourself, just to relax and do something fun.If things stay like this, make sure to return to your Dr and talk to him, maybe change your meds or visit a psychiatrist ', 'I dont know enough about you to comment on anything else, but you can write well.', 'Because you still want to live, if you didnt why would you come here?You want to live, you want to get over your ex and move one, make new friends, meet new women.You want to get a job you can enjoy, find a school you want to learn in, you want to keep on living.It just feels like you are buried right now, you want to get out from under the heavy pile of sand but it feels insurmountable.It might feel insurmountable but you have to remember that it isnt, you have to break the mountain into small pieces and then start climbing!=', 'Maybe they are, that doesnt mean they cannot help you...Maybe you should look at it as "these people are what i will become if i dont change".', 'haha yea, it is odd but I mean it :D', 'How long have you been on those two?', '>I enjoy it a lot, yes. The money could be substantially better, but Im currently willing to make the tradeoff because of how much I like my current position. I am actively exploring alternative options, though, so that may change in the near future.Enjoying your job is definitely the most important thing, you dont want to take a shitty job and go deeper into Depression. So long as you are able to afford the necessities, no reason to change.>ECT is something I absolutely will not do. I had a family member who was also bipolar and went through several rounds of ECT "treatment", and it absolutely demolished his mind. I barely even knew him, but it scared the hell out of me, and I have no real desire to undergo the procedure. Im not sure a 100% remission rate would convince me to try it.Fair enough, was just throwing it out at there as a last ditch effort that has to be better than suicide. I cant say that I would go for that option either, kinda freaks me out to be honest.>I spend the majority of my manic time in the state classed as hypomania, which is actually Tired enjoyable and easy to put to good use. I am highly productive, Tired focused, much more socially tolerable than usual, and so on. Once that transitions into pure mania there is Tired little I can do to control it, and Ive tried quite a bit.Yea Ive read about hypomania and how it may have certain advantages towards productivity etc....it is actually Tired interesting, the way you can "get" into this hyperproductive state that can give you certain advantages over the rest of us and yet you also have to deal with the mania and the Depression.>The problem is that it becomes impossible to channel all the mental energy into anything; its like a kid being extremely hyperactive. My thoughts just bounce around between random subjects, often with no clarity or substance - just fleeting impressions. Doing anything mentally intensive like programming is all but impossible, because as soon as I sit down, Ive jumped back up to go do something else... which I abandon again once I start, in favor of yet another distraction.Any chance you can try something creative? Programming is a fairly inflexible Perhaps try something like painting, even if you dont paint, that way your mind can wander completely?And I admit I am a bit curious as to what would happen if you were in such a state and started exercising, would you just get bored and stop running or would you seem to have endless energy and exercise too much?', 'Any chance of talking to your academic adviser and dropping a class?Are you really drowning in homework or does it just feel like it? Ive "drowned" in homework that took me an hour to do, which in hindsight wasnt really much homework at all.What is your major?Why are you losing interest in it?What year are you in?', 'Look for a Community Health Center[Link](http://www.massleague.org/CHC/FindHealthCenter.php)You havent Exhaustion all of your options, you still have some so dont give up!', 'I dont know if your childhood was amazing, but I do know that it isnt over.You are still Tired young, you still have a ton of life in which you can pack full of fun experiences.If your best friends go to parties, why not ask them if you can come along?The biggest things I regret about my high school years are the things I didnt try, if you ask a girl out and get rejected..so what? If you want to go to a party, call a friend and ask for a ride...or just drive yourself.Take a chance or two, you will fail sometimes, maybe often...but you cant get what you want if you stay on Reddit all day.', 'You had a shitty therapist, dont let that experience deter you from finding a new one.If you can afford it, you really should look into a therapist who specializes in traumatic events like Rape and just be honest with her/him.Tell them everything, about your childhood, about the abuse, the rape etc...pour your heart out, so they can help you, so they can help you get over this and back into the swing of things where you can enjoy living life with your child.', 'What do you mean about your hobbies being work?', 'Have you tried talking with your parents about this?Explaining how much you love them and how grateful you are for what they have done for you but how you feel they smother you?', 'How about you run through it here?Or just start with "Ive been feeling horrible lately and have been considering suicide"', 'No, but this is something you should definitely mention to a doctor', 'Any idea why her case manager is so far away?', 'Not even Reddit?', 'How many counselors have you seen?It sucks that you havent found one who will actually listen to you and is willing and able to help you.>I cannot help but think that their type of aid is nothing more than words meandering as aid.But words CAN and DO help, in fact they have proven to be pretty damn effective...If you do feel interested, look for a local medical clinic, they tend to charge fees based on how much you can pay so...', 'First thing you should do is take a deep breath and hold it for a few seconds, slowly exhale.Do that for a minute or two, slow, deep breaths..And then you need to realize this emotion can be used to change you for the better, what things are you unhappy with?Do you want to get into better shape?Do you want to make more friends?Do you want to find a new hobby/activity to spend time on?', 'Does she understand she is hearing things or doe she actually *believe* they are real?Try to get her to calm down, to breath slow and deep', 'The good news is that you are still at the beginning of your therapy, a month and half is too short to say it is failing but if you do feel like it isnt helping, just tell your therapist.You say you dont know what you want, that isnt unusual for a 20 year student and it isnt unusual to struggle in college.What do you enjoy doing? Video games, reddit etc..?', 'Id advise you to see a therapist yourself, that way he/she can give you advice on how to help her and possibly convince her to come in with you.That way you get expert advice in how to help her on your own AND how to get her into the office herself', 'I think you need to do a few things...First, you need to sit down and think about your current therapist..you have been seeing him/her for 7 years and from your description, things arent working out. Maybe it is time for you to find a new therapist, one who can help you?In regards to your self harm, it sounds like you have tried fairly passive means of avoiding it...ie reading, drinking tea, watching movies. Perhaps you should try something more active? [Good List](http://www.mirror-mirror.org/selfinj.htm)I know that when Im Anxiety, just trying something passive doesnt work, I have to go for a run, lift weights etc...so perhaps you need to try something like that', 'Tell me about yourself, how old are you?Are you in school?Working?What medications have you tried? Are you still on them?Same for therapy?How did you fuck everyone over?You need a reason?Dont you want a chance to be happy, to do something you love, find someone you love?', 'When were you last on meds? Seeing a counselor?Your doctor has no idea why you have low test?What do you mean about a Testosterone supplement making things worse?What is your useless degree in?Lastly, I win the internets! :)', 'Because you *want* to keep living, you want to get your life back on track, you want to find someone to love...You cant do that if you throw in the towel..You are only 19, youve had a tough life (I know people with Oxy and coke addictions), but you cant let that ruin your life.If you need help avoiding opiates, look for a local Narcotics Anonymous, they do great work!Plus, think about the positives..youve had a relationship with at least two women by the age of 19, that puts you in the top 10% of Redditors ', 'You should give it another try, look for a new psychologist, give it another shot.2 years is a long time and you may have gotten a dud, some psychologists just plain suck', 'That sucks, I definitely understand the Fear that you will get a bad lawyer, Im trying to think of a way to find one without a friend recommending someone...Maybe try searching Google for the terms "X country, divorce, forum"..try to find a forum where divorced parents from your area might hang out and ask around?', '>Im not going to gamble my savings on a professional who might be even crazier than I.Do you mean you wont visit a psychiatrist?Why not? If you have insurance it shouldnt be that expensive and they can help, you might have a social disorde, Depression or maybe some form of bipolar disorder.Behavioral therapy sounds like it would work for you, help you take criticism without panicking, same goes for seeing romance and sexuality etc..Im not sure Depression fits you as you appear to have plenty of motivation, going on dates, working out 5 days a Asthenia and maintaining a job.So to sum it up :P why dont you want to see a therapist?', 'Its good that you are trying some new meds and try to keep an open mind about them. They are fairly successful so you might find a winner.And if you feel that way about your support system, tell them that. Tell them you are unhappy with the way they want to take such a passive approach.', 'Have you brought it up again with a doctor, pursued it medically?', 'Can you point to anything specific that is causing your Depression?I think you should definitely consider trying an antidepressant, to be honest, they are better than just drowning in the misery of alcohol.Some people react poorly but for a lot of people, they can have a great effect.And who knows, maybe you just need to talk to a therapist?', 'Your brain is in a constant state of flux, it can change...and so can you, you can go from being Depression to being happy.From wanting to die to wanting to live...', 'In regards to your Anxiety, you should definitely look up exposure therapy.Basically you make a plan and slowly but repeatedly expose yourself to a situation that causes Anxiety and over time your brain/body realize that sitting in the library wont Pain you.Why is your car so expensive? Any chance you can trade it in for something more financially manageable?', 'And just as importantly, when was the last time you tried it...I just read an article that most people treated for Depression relapse within 5 years, so you certainly arent alone.', 'Are you sure about that?Last I saw, the military was taking pretty much everyone they could find...', 'I feel the same about being an actor, I can adjust and adapt my personality to fit whatever situation I am in.But just because things are tough now doesnt mean you will always be this way.What steps have you taken to change your life?', 'Well thats a problem, you arent thinking about the positives..You arent a devil, you arent a monster...Im sure you have good qualities and you need to think about them', 'Why havent you had a friend since you were 13?How do you fuck them up, any chance of more details?', 'Im going to guess it had something to do with your childhood, but I could be wrong.What prevents you from doing those things? A lack of motivation?Anxiety when you go out in public?', '50lbs is fantastic, how much have you gained back?Is it possible you are putting on some muscle?You should check out R/Fitness and their FAQ on exercise and dieting', 'Can you go into more detail about this?Maybe you just had a shitty therapist?What did you talk about and recommend you try?', 'Like you, I missed out on a lot of fun things in my childhood. I couldnt get over my imperfections and they drove me to develop extreme Anxiety and then abuse drugs.You are right, you wont be able to go back and be a carefree 14 year old boy playing spin the bottle with the neighborhood hottie.....and that sucks, it really does.But it isnt the end of life, you are still 17, you still have a ton of fun shit to experience, you have college and then your twenties and in todays world you even have your 30s.You missed out on some fun, but everyone does, the key is to focus on the future and improving it, not on the past.Why do you you have to move out and fully support yourself the instant you turn 18?Have you told this to anyone in person, any friends, confidants, family?A therapist?', '1. When you feel it is necessary2. Do you see a psychiatrist? If you do, bring it up. If you dont, start seeing one.3. You get committed, lose some freedom, gain some help and hopefully come out healthy', 'Have you tried telling her that?Something like "I care about you so when I hear you say you want to commit suicide, I naturally want to know more, I want to know why you feel so bad so I can help. But it is incredibly frustrating when you just brush me off after you make a comment like that"Other than doing that, Im not sure there is much you can do aside from maybe telling a closer friend of hers about it and hope they can reach her.', 'I can tell you are feeling pretty low right now but you have been knocked down so many times and you have managed to pull yourself back up, you want to change, to go to college and you have been busting your ass to do so. From your story you seem Tired determined to improve yourself, a lot of people would have given up after your first experience with college but you have kept at it, doggedly pursuing your goals and that is something you should be proud of.It is obvious that you feel like everything is hopeless(yea, I really am that perceptive) and you feel like you cannot get back up this time, but you made the smart move, the right move by reaching out to someone, in this case reddit, to get help, to look for someone who can reach down and help you get back on your Oedema of extremity and because of that I DO see hope for you. You have consistently shown an unusual level of determination and the fact that you are here tells me that you havent given up, you still want to stand back up, you want to get back on your Oedema of extremity and because of your determination I think you will, I think your desire and determination will help you stand back up.To get back to your Oedema of extremity, you need to take a deep breath and set your priorities.What do you need to do to achieve your goals?I would suggest that your first step should be to use Google and look for a local health clinic, they usually have sliding scales for payments and once you get in you can hopefully get a prescription for a generic that you can find at Walmart for as little as $4 a month.The doctor can also refer you to a therapist, which is what I would suggest should be your second step. Look for one that can accept a sliding scale.After that, you need to focus on finding a job so you can provide yourself with food, shelter etc... the necessities.Focus on developing a stable base, a secure platform that you can use to stand on as you look into college or trade school etc...', 'Have you tried going out for a daily run?Is there no city bus system you can use to get around?', 'By taking slow steps...You are a planner, so plan.A relationship of 6 years is a long time and it would be tough for anyone to accept, no one likes the thought of the person they love being with someone else, but eventually your heart moves on and finds someone new.In the meantime, you need to make a plan and stick with it.Go to class, set aside time to study and study!Start exercising more often, it will give you something to do and give you some more energy as well as make you socialize...which is the last step, you need to talk to people. Either your current friends or your old friends, just hang out with them and have fun and try to forget about your ex', 'It could be any of those, it could be the season, a lack of light.Having a good job doesnt make up for your friends being gone or your family being far away, it doesnt help your anemia(glad you are getting checked out!) or your hormones :PThe brain is so beautifully complicated, so many factors can effect it. Everything could be perfect and you still might feel Depression, or everything might be horrible and you can feel happy.', 'Of course you are that important, you might not realize it but there are people in the world who love you and you obviously love them or you wouldnt be afraid of them finding out you are Depression', 'So tell me about yourself...where are you at in life?High School, College, Career etc...?Why do you hate this planet, are you lonely? Anxious?', 'Look on the bright side...you had a long term relationship..hell you have more than one.Puts you in the top 20% of Reddit', 'Have you tried to work on your reaction to criticism?What would happen if someone you trusted criticized you after you asked them to? Would you still get upset?', 'I dont think it is that odd that she has attempted suicide but doesnt want to leave, Suicidal people arent completely rational..You should urge her to see a therapist, get some help...and while doing that try to explain that there are plenty of successful people who have quit their first jobs, who have been fired etc..', 'So why not do a project about the evolution in lifestyles of the average person from X point of time to Y?Look at how everyday life changed for people over a period of time, or the spread of Christianity or the similarities among the various ancient religions.', 'I dont believe that, Reddit for example is full of kind and caring people.Maybe you just need to find new people, cut out the fake ones?I dont know you, but I still care, I cant explain it, but I do...When was the last time you talked to a therapist or were on medication?Can you be more specific about the things you are fighting, struggling with?', 'See if you can talk her into going to a psychiatrist with you, that way you can try to keep her telling the truth about her situation, being honest about it.You say she is highly intelligent, does she do anything with herself? Is she working? Is she too mentally ill to work?', 'So maybe you should get new best friends?The fact they are using someone they do not like is a big strike against them as people, so why do you want to be around them?', 'How old are you right now?Are you still on medication?Seeing a psychologist/psychiatrist?How are you currently feeding yourself, accessing the internet etc..?', 'Well you had a shitty girlfriend but other than that, things sound pretty good. New city, plenty of new people to meet, new women to date, new sights to see..Just get out there, go for a walk on your birthday and check out a few local bars, meet some new people, get little bit drunk and go home realizing you are just 23 and by this time next year you will have a ton of friends and a hot girlfriend to celebrate with', 'Just try and focus on good things, productive things until you can get back in to see your therapist, if you feel it coming on strong, give him/her a call and see if they can make room for you or spend 10 minutes talking with you via the phone.', 'Bike?Running/Walking?Horse?', 'Trying to stay positive is a great first step, the second step would be to stake more steps :P towards changing your life. * Go out and meet people, try to make new friends and if you make enough, hopefully you find one you can trust * What steps are you taking to change this? * Same * How poor? Are you working? * Same here, all you can do is make an attempt to contact them and hope they respond * See above * No bullshit, this sucks. Life would be easier if you looked like George Clooney. But you dont and neither do I, so we have to bite out lips and make do with what we have. * Look yourself in the mirror and say "Fuck it, so what if I am not beautiful or handsome, it doesnt make me a worse person" * Find a bar, go to bar. Just sit in the corner, the key is to slowly expose yourself to the new environment * This should be changing at your age, all the smoking and drinking is slowing down as people begin to move onto the next stage in life and you are far from the only person who doesnt do those things * The man makes the clothes * How much debt, how is school going? * Most people havent been out of the country, including myselfYou have a list of things you want to change, so break them down into bite sized chunks and get to work!', 'Well you have to "talk to yourself" about it, it just seems like a bad idea for you to keep hanging on to this hope when she is going to be "gone" for a long time.', 'I think you find it Exhaustion because you feel like you did this unforgivable thing, or something so crazy that people will find out and their jaws will drop in horror.I can understand the Fear that you will always struggle with school, with being a student but I think that is irrational. You and your brain are constantly changing and adapting, if you want something bad enough there are always steps you can take to get it.I struggle daily to do my school work, I coasted through school until my perfectionism crippled me and now I struggle to sit down for 30 minutes and focus on a paper...but slowly Im finding it a bit easier and I would expect the same thing to happen with you.What are your other "problems" in life that you feel doom you to a life of failure?', 'Hmm Im not a psychiatrist of a psychologist so Id definitely talk to your doctor.How does the drug effect you?I know you dont know Fear but you dont feel comfortable or confident?', 'Why dont you feel comfortable divulging everything to your therapist?Are you on medication?Has your therapist talked about exposure therapy for dealing with Anxiety?', 'That is extremely weird...Have you called Blue Cross Blue Shield?', 'Discharged by the doctor or ROTC?Either way, Im glad you finally got help and I hope you pull things together and get happy', 'So why are you alone?', 'Have you talked to the credit card company about a payment plan of some sort?', 'Fascinating article, thanks for bringing it to my attention', 'Ouch, a 10 year slump is unavoidably depressing :(', 'So, what makes you feel Depression?Anything in particular?', 'You probably know what you need to do, you need to recognize that your Fear is irrational and make an appointment with a professional.They wont laugh, they wont mock you...they went into these professions because they care about people. Because they want to help out people like yourself.So sit down and make an appointment, so that you can get a handle on this and get back to life', 'Well, you cant erase yourself from existence with hurting those around you...Youve mention being diagnosed with mental issues in the past, have you seen a psychiatrist lately?Depression can have different effects on different people and if it has been a while since you were last Depression, it could just be effecting you differently now.', 'This should cheer you up...you are wrong :PLets start with net neutrality, the beautiful thing about it is that it is virtually controllable and with the advances in technology being made on a daily basis, the cost for the internet is going to keep dropping as time goes on.The economy isnt going to crash, it wont soar and it will be a long recession but that simply means that things will continue more or less like they are right now which sucks, but isnt exactly the Great Depression eitherAs to how to say optimistic, you have to focus on things within your control, the people you associate with, the things you do on a daily basis etc..So if you feel the world is going to the shitter, why dont you volunteer somewhere?Help people? Do something productive?', 'But none of those make you worthless...they are things you obviously want to change and they *can* be changed if you want them too..You just need to develop a satisfying routine that will help you become happy, maybe decide to take a daily walk, decide to read a new book every Asthenia, learn a skill etc...You obviously feel a desperate need to change, so why not try to start small and build on a success?', 'Try to stick with AA, get away from drinking and try to change your life.Think about seeing a therapist again, I know you said it can confuse you but I dont see how it can Pain much.The problem with thinking like that is that you never know how things might turn out, maybe you would have gotten married to your dream girl and then cheated on her, losing an entire family.Maybe you would have gotten hit by a bus...life is too hard to predict', 'Yea your options are limited considering the situation.Just keep trying to distract her, hopefully she will go to sleep.And for the record, you are doing a great thing for someone who is essentially a stranger, so high five!', 'Well man, I have to give you some credit for knowing how to celebrate Thanksgiving :PSince you asked for direction, here are my thoughts. You need to talk to your doctor and see if you should add an antidepressant or increase your dosage. (Do you remember your other medications, if you have had any others?)What does your outpatient therapy entail?(Im really glad you failed last night)', 'Sounds like Depression...so the relevant questions would be, have you seen a doctor about it?Medication?Seen a psychiatrist? Gone to therapy?How is your financial situation? Can you afford those things?Do you have anything that specifically that depresses you?', 'Well try to arrange a regular schedule or routine with a counselor, if it works, keep doing it.And try not to forget appointments', 'In addition to the meds have you been talking with a psychologist?', 'Fair enough, although I am still pretty curious.I think the answer to your question is that society hates admitting anyone is beyond help, we are incredibly ambitious and want to believe we can fix or solve anything.We dont like admitting that the love of our life is not going to get better, that our mother is beyond help etc...', 'Is there any reason they are kicking you out? Are they struggling financially or do they just think you are being a bum?You dont have to crash for long, just try and think if you have anyone you can stay with for a Asthenia at a time or something...crash on their couch, help around the house etc.. until you can get on your Oedema of extremity', 'The best thing you can do is make an appointment with a psychiatrist or a psychologist...I know it will be tough to do but it is for the best.', 'Accepting that you need help is a huge step and now you need to figure out how to do that.Do you have health insurance?Can you afford to visit a doctor and try medication and then visit a therapist?', 'Get over that, needing medication doesnt make you a nutjob.You dont need to be ashamed of being Depression and it is Tired common, so you dont need to feel alone either.You say no matter what you try it is a lost cause, but that isnt true at all. There are plenty of options left open for you, things you can try that will likely work!', 'Have you ever talked to someone about your past, it sounds like it might help for you to sit down and just unload everything you have been carrying around on your shoulders.', 'Here is what I would try with your therapist, write something down ahead of time.You arent being idiotic or illogical and even if you are, so what? Everyone has a few of tho

Ideation

Wow, youve been through a really shitty ride. I cant even begin to imagine how you feel after having your ex get your hopes up like that, only to be crushed again and reaching rock-bottom. Nor can I imagine what its like to carry around the ghosts of the awful things that were done to you when you were a child. It also seems like you were terribly let down by psychiatric treatment. You really tried to get help, but it didnt work. Its never like the Zoloft ads in real life :( I wonder, since youre already committed to ending it, whether you wouldnt try just one more experiment before you do? If the experiment fails, you can end it all the same - nothing changes. But if it works, then you just might find happiness. The experiment Im talking about is looking at what best, tailored plan, might be able to help you to feel the way you deserve to - not miserable. Just one last shot to see if maybe, just maybe, the right people might be able to pull you out of this godawful pit. ', 'Im so Tired glad. And feel free to reply or PM for whatever reason. ', 'Im so glad you did that. Be kind to yourself and try not to worry too much about what to say. I hope you mentioned in the text how urgent it is. And I truly hope it goes okay and that everyone is understanding. Youre hurting in more ways than one and just need (and deserve) love right now. ', 'Strange coincidence, Im just busy listening to It Never Ends by Bring Me the Horizon. Im not sure whether it stops or goes away, but I suspect it might change, and that we might have an influence over how to change it. But its so damned difficult, right? ', 'Ugh, I know the roller-coaster all too well. I guess thats why people like us need each other; Im going through an OK phase now, so I can reach out and try help you in your not-OK patch. I think its a battle that people who have never been Depression just cant understand. But youre strong for having made it through, and I really hope you keep fighting so hard. Were here for you, whether it to be try talk you down when it gets really bad, or just to talk shit to try and distract from the darkness of it all. Youre welcome to PM me for other ways to get hold of me, but either way - stay strong, and stay alive for *you*, not for anyone else. ', 'I can almost physically feel the Pain in your writing. I dont know you, but I want you to know that youre worthwhile, that you deserve to be here, and (even though you dont know it), you make the world a better place by being here. As you read that, I know you dont believe it. Hell, youd feel really guilty even if you tried to believe it. But its true. It really is true. ', 'That sounds like a really dark place. Im truly sorry that you have to experience this every day - meanwhile everyone else can just go on with their lives and be happy (how is it that other people manage to seem so happy, anyway? I often wonder). Have you been through any treatments before? ', 'Were a caring community willing to help, but Emotional upset blackmail isnt a constructive approach. ', 'Shit, thats a really dark hole youve found yourself in. I can see how it seems like theres really no other way out. Can you think of anything at all that would make your situation even just a little bit better? ', 'Take a deep, deep breath. Hold it. Then breathe out. ^ Repeat. Sounds like youre having an acute Anxiety attack. Is there anyone around you you trust you can go to right now? ', 'Its difficult to know whats normal when one only has their one frame of reference. It took me a long time to realise that frequent thoughts of suicide are *not* normal. I used to think that everyone had them when they felt down - they dont. As to how you go about explaining it.. You already have! Just repeat what youve said here and theyll expand on the rest. ', 'You poured your heart out and no-one even replied! I bet that didnt feel good. It seems like a really shit situation there. Are you still dependent on your parents? ', 'Welcome to the rollercoaster.. When I get better I often forget how bad the bad days were, and it totally hits me by surprise when Im back there. Its completely natural to be distrusting of people when you have these symptoms. I wonder whether, with a bit of thought, youd be able to take the leap and *try* see if shes able to help? Otherwise, have you perhaps searched for mental health resources in your area? There may be non-profit organisations with information and/or services relevant to your situation. The most important thing, though, is to remember that this is something thats affecting you, but its not who you are - its not a character flaw - and its something that can get better. ', 'Youve been mistreated horribly in a way that you (or anyone for that matter) definitely do not deserve. Its not an indication that youre not worthy of love, nor is it an indication that you will not find love if it doesnt already exist for you. But I bet it feels pretty helpless right now? ', 'Im not from the US so Im not sure how things work there, but do you have some sort of guidance or school counsellor/therapist type of person there? What you might also want to consider is confiding about this to a teacher that you trust, if there is one - and they might be able to point you in the right direction. But, again - this might be a (Tired common) mental disorder that you are experiencing, that responds well to the correct, empathic treatment. Your school will not be unfamiliar with it in general, either (mental Illness is the big secret that no-one talks about, but is all too common) ', 'The day is a cruel and blatant, in-your-face reminder to anyone who doesnt have someone of just precisely how alone they are? I get that. But Im also wondering whether there are other options around this. ', 'The thought of getting caught out when self-harming is a really scary one, but I think we need to look at priorities here quickly. Id like you to rank the priorities of these different things: Staying alive (not getting an infected wound) Keeping your Emotional upset Pain a secret Avoiding embarrassment. I dont know about you, but I might go with the first one. Please get medical attention now. The medical staff will most likely be Tired understanding - theyre familiar with the Pain of mental Illness and know that its not your fault. Also, because it really is similar to any physical disease, theres no reason that your school career should be at all affected by knowledge of it. In fact, youre protected legally (and have a right to confidentiality). And, most likely (Im not sure of your state), you can only be admitted to a mental hospital with your permission - not that inpatient treatment is a bad thing. (Sometimes, and I can attest to this, its actually Tired constructive in the long term). TL;DR: PLEASE GET MEDICAL ATTENTION! ', 'Depression is a horrible thing. It makes you feel guilty for just posting on a public forum, as if youre taking up space or time that you dont deserve! Im really glad that you shared all this, because you clearly needed to. Youve gone through a really big life transition - one thats stressful for most people, let alone those that might be suffering from Depression! And it seems that youre in a really bad spot at the moment. Obviously, I cant give direct advice, but I wonder if there is student support/counselling services at your university? What youre describing, particularly among first years, is actually Tired common (just no-one talks about it openly). Furthermore, the issues you describe are normally treatable with the proper interventions. Youre not pathetic or worthless. Thats the Depression talking. ', 'Forgive me if I misunderstood. You posted saying that if no-one was with you on Valentines, youd kill yourself. In one light, thats compelling people to act on a wish to prevent harm (to yourself). But its also a Tired narrowly-defined criterion, rather than a general plea for help with whats presumably a bigger issue at play. We want to understand, and we want to help. ', 'Im curious about the significance of Valentines day, and why its the deciding factor for you? ', 'Im lost for words by how tragic that story is. But please dont go. Please dont go - so you can tell me, and others, the story of how wonderful your girlfriend and your friends were. Please dont go, because this incredible, indescribable Pain that youre feeling will begin to heal with time. Please dont go, because you can add value to the world - especially to the lives of people who, like you, have been through so much Pain. Youre busy going through the worst of it. The Agony is raw, youre still Bleeding out on the floor, reeling from the loss. Please let people comfort you. Give it a few weeks, then you can make a more informed choice. Theres nothing to lose in waiting, right? ', 'Ok, so we have some data on the experiment: Moving away doesnt help. That hypothesis is disproved. Thats progress. I wonder if there is *anything* else you can think of to try see if it will make a difference? I can see in the way that you write, and that youve written so much, that you dont *really* want to have to go through with this, but there seems like no other option. Its also worth keeping in mind that, being Depression, you probably arent really seeing things Tired clearly right now. I say also this because Ive struggled with Depression for quite some time and know how different the same situations can seem when Im Depression vs when Im not Depression. So I guess the second part of my question is: Can you maybe think of a way that a non-Depression version of yourself might look at this situation, from a problem-solving point of view? ', 'Sometimes all one can do is be Captain Obvious :) But I hope you know my intention is to let you know that Im here to try help - but I also know that platitudes or empty words arent any help at all. ', 'See, thats not helpful for anyone involved here. The fact that people are reading what youre writing and replying is evidence that theyre wanting to help. And, for what its worth, I really dont want you to die. Nor do I want you to feel lonely on Valentines (or any other day, for that matter). ', '> I dont want to have to go to a mental health hospital or something, I dont want any of that, it would absolutely ruin my school career.Just to address what seems to be your main concern again: >I dont want to have to go to a mental health hospital or something, I dont want any of that, it would absolutely ruin my school career.You most likely cannot be held against your will at a mental hospital (and even if so, it would be perhaps for a few days), secondly: your school, legally, will not need to know this information, and is not allowed to make any decisions based on it even if they do find out. I know it might seem that people might be angry or ashamed or disappointed in you, but in reality, they just want whats best for you. And right now that means getting good care. Firstly, good medical care (because this is urgent!) and then YOU can decide what to do with your mental health from there. All these decisions are yours. ', 'Thats a lot of medication and therapy; it must be even more frustrating seeing as it doesnt seem to be working. Im curious, seeing as youre 18 (I had the impression that you were much older!), what specifically havent you succeeded at? And, more importantly, what would you like to succeed at? ', 'There are people out there who care, even when it doesnt seem like it :) Out of interest, what treatments have you been through, if any? ', 'Sure thing - thats a great long-term goal. How about something smaller to start with? Maybe something you can do every day or two that might start building a sense of accomplishment? Keep in mind youre dealing with a *debilitating* Illness right now, so youll need some patience and (even though it maybe wont be possible at first) to be kind to yourself. ', 'Out of interest, how long were you in therapy and on medication? It saddens me so that there arent better treatments out there. ', 'Perhaps curious wasnt the most accurate word. Im interested in why one corporate day would decide your fate, thats all. What will have changed on the 15th if you do spend it with someone - especially if it is a fake date? ', 'Necessary disclaimer: this is not a diagnosis People with symptoms similar to yours often have a real, recognised mental disorder that deserves as much sympathy, care, and good treatment as any other Illness. (And it also deserves no stigma or shame). Not functioning properly is even a key diagnostic criterion for serious mental disorder. IF it were the case that you had this (again, no diagnosis here), your school is obligated to give you proper medical allowance so you are able to get better. No-one should have to suffer through this alone. ', 'That sounds like a really, really, shitty place to be in right now. ', 'Youre really hurting right now, and Im sad to hear it. No-one should have to endure that much Pain - from chronic Illness or mental anguish (let alone both at the same time). Youve made some Tired specific claims there. What evidence is there that your SO would be better off with someone else? Has he given any indication of this?

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Heh. I guess I meant that:>When life seems too difficult, comedy is the way out. Its a cheat code really. You just dont get bothered by the Feeling unhappy you feel. You would think that it is too difficult to snap out of the Suicidal Feeling unhappy and become happy, but in retrospect it isnt that difficult (somewhat counter-intuitively).Heres a somewhat random one that I dug out from youtube.https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NL8HP1WzbDkAll of Carlin is amazing! You can if you want pm me and tell me what led to your breakdown this time. Or at least figure out your triggers. Discuss them with the people you trust. I guess the friend who practices something as intimate as cutting would be a great place to start with.You can always contact me for advice. There is a 5 hour time-gap and I am not on the internet all the time, so my answers might be delayed and dont lose heart because of that. I am still evloving my views and learning so I cannot guarantee that I would be correct, but I promise empathy.', '> "there is no fate that cannot be surmounted by scorn"Albert Camus, The Myth of Sisyphus', 'At least :)

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I didnt... I always feel as though Im a failure when I dont do it when I say Im going to do. It just scares me.', 'Please know that youre not alone! I feel like this so often it feels like itll never go away, as though Im permanently stuck with it. I dont know where the end is, for you or for me. But what I know--or atleast strongly believe-- is that suicide isnt the end for either of us or for anyone. You are strong and beautiful and important. Life deals really shitty Weakness of hand sometimes. The best people are torn down by their own thoughts. I wish so badly I could be there with you to tell you its okay, because I feel we are so similar from your post. Things feel hopeless right now, like theres no light at the end of the tunnel. But there is. I mean, there HAS to be. People like us cant go through really hard times for nothing. Please hold on.You are meant for amazing things. Im sorry things are so rough right now. It hurts my heart that great people like you have to feel like this. Please, if you ever need to talk about anything, feel free to message me.', 'I am sorry youre going through this. Your friends boyfriend doesnt seem to be the best person if hes forcing her to cut ties with her friends or he wont be with her. That seems really manipulative. Have you tried talking to her about it? I would hate for you to lose a friend like that...I understand the kind of release cutting can do for a person; whenever I cut I always feel really overwhelmed right before but the Pain and sight of blood is cathartic. But only for a moment because then I realize what Ive done. I realize that the wound will take weeks/months to heal and after that, therell be a nasty scar that Ill have to worry about hiding. You are entitled to feel how youre feeling; its an extremely stressful situation. However, you said you stopped cutting because you believed there was more to life. Hold on to that. Ive read that when you feel the urge to cut, if you draw on your skin with markers it produces a calming affect. For those who need Pain to ground themselves, drawing on themselves with pens work a little bit better.You said that youve been happy for awhile and that youve made great friends. Perhaps reaching out to them during this time of Feeling unhappy would be beneficial. ', 'How long should I postpone it for? Its just really difficult to follow through.', 'You sound like a therapist, haha. In a good way though; not the domineering, I-know-more-than-you way. You articulate Tired well and your comment really impacted me. Seriously, thank you SO much. Im guessing you understand and relate to others fairly well, as you seemed to really get me after just reading my post. Thank you for mentioning my good qualities; its rare that strangers genuinely care for other humans (in my experience Ive always tried my hardest for others to feel appreciated so for me to get something like your message back is so nice).I think finding a person besides my parents to talk to will definitely help. My therapist now I only see for half an hour every two weeks, and that just isnt enough so Im in search for someone Ill see weekly. Its extremely hard for me to share my Suicidal thoughts with anybody; I view the Depression and ideations as a downfall, something to be embarrassed of (as my parents have never been big feeling sharers) so Im ashamed in admitting these feelings with friends or therapists. ', 'Hi, friend. Im sorry you feel this way; I know you must be hurting a lot right now, but please just breathe and think. You are beautifully made. Its hard to believe it; a lot of us struggle with it, so please know youre not alone. You are important and most definitely worthy of help. I think its really great of you to reach out and tell us about it.', 'I totally understand where youre coming from. I romanticize the thought of my suicide, thinking it would be so much better for everyone else if I were gone. If only I were decisive enough to actually follow through. But that wouldnt solve anything. People would miss me. People would miss YOU. Im sure you brighten so many lives every day without knowing. Youre a light that a lot of people love.But I dont think youre horrible. Youre a person going through a really rough patch. I think youre fully capable of being a GREAT mom and having a GREAT future. Its just pushing yourself through the bad days, and trust me, I know how tough the bad days are. Theyre numerous and fucking suck. Please know youre not alone. Have you tried talking to someone (relative or therapist)?', 'Im sorry you feel this way. Its not a great way to feel. Whenever I feel this way, I try to step out of my comfort zone by doing something different. Such as getting a tattoo (not always the smartest), or spoiling myself by buying something Ive been wanting, or reaching out (this is always really hard for me to do). Maybe for you to feel alive you could try something new. Maybe go for a run outside, or pick up a new hobby (painting is SUPER relaxing).', 'It blows my mind that a total stranger would be willing to write so much for someone like me, trying to help them. Coming from Tumblr--where next to no one cares if you post about killing yourself--to Reddit where there are so many resources and subs to make myself feel better is amazing. Thank you for your comment. Overcoming the Depression is going to take time. Thanks so much.', 'Thank you. Its nice to know that a total stranger believes I have worth. Its motivating and refreshing to think that I have plenty of chances to find happiness. Its just so often that the Depression has me in a slump where I dont feel like doing anything. But still, thank you so much for taking the time to encourage.', '"if you wanna bone down, demand they wrap their tool" haha!It seriously blows my mind that you would write so much to a total stranger. Im new to Reddit and the people here are totally different than on any other social media. Thank you so much for encouraging me. Life is a really fucking tough journey and Im only 18; I cant imagine what itll be like when (if) I make it to 27. Youve surpassed a lot and I truly admire you. Id prefer to not be on any meds; herbs and natural remedies intrigue me and as I get a better hold on the Depression and Suicidal thoughts, I plan on stepping away from the pharmaceuticals. Your comment helped. While nothing really fixes my desire to not be around, its uplifting to know that a stranger took time out of their day to spare a kind word and share their story. Thank you so much.', 'I didnt... Thank you for your concern. I always feel like a failure when I dont follow through.', 'I cant imagine dealing with what youve been dealing with for ten years. Wow. That must be so hard, and Im sorry. But please dont feel like youre a bother by passing the weight. We all need help. Hell, I posted here a few nights ago believing it was my time. Theres nothing wrong with passing some of the weight off. We all need a break sometimes.Why do you feel this place isnt meant for you?', 'Thank you. Im trying hard to not kill myself. But thank you for taking the time to comment. Sometimes its just nice to know that others care.', 'Its just really hard to support myself like I support others. Its so much easier to find the good in others. Its just difficult; theres nothing really negative going on, Im just sad all the time, you know? Like every day weighs on me and makes it hard to see the light.And the rats are nice :) Im always afraid that when I kill myself theyll be given to someone who doesnt care about them as much as I do.', 'Thank you! If you dont mind me asking, what keeps you going?', 'My new therapist only sees me for 30 minutes every two weeks, so its Tired hard to download two weeks worth of emotions in only half an hour. My biggest issue is being Feeling nervous around people so its a struggle to call any new clinics in search of a better support system.', 'Alrighty, well if you want sincere opinions, I can give you that, but if you dont want sympathy, well too bad youre getting that too. If not knowing whether your friend killed himself or not is a source of stress, I cant imagine why you wouldnt go out of your way to find out the answer. If its a source of stress, I imagine youd want to do something about it (as you seem to be Tired answer-orientated, despite your claim to being lazy). Is there any other way to contact this person or his parents?I know you dont want sympathy, so Ill make this part short. I dont think any of this is your fault. Its okay to feel how you feel. Thats why youre posting here, for someone to notice the Pain youre going through. Just know youre not alone. I dont think you necessarily have a disorder. I think were (as Im 18) just at an age where were all really Emotional upset or really apathetic in life. Im too Emotional upset, I feel everything 150%. If you want to be happy, why dont you actively do something about it? You say society and people fuck it up--which to an extent, I believe as well-- but after a certain point, you have to say fuck that and take matters into your own Weakness of hand. Societys depressing, it truly is. People are shitty at times. But you cant control society or other people. But you can control yourself. You can control how you deal with situations and you can control if youre feeling lazy and unmotivated. If you want advice, I really feel that rewiring how you think will help. In psychology, CBT is a thing; its cognitive behavioral therapy and its based on the belief that if you change a patients thinking pattern and self talk, their behavior will change. Its so easy to give up, and if you have that mindset that nothing matters, then your actions are going to follow that. But if you wake up every morning and slowly change your thought process ("This sucks I dont want to do this" to "Yes this sucks, but if I complete this task it will better my chances of passing this course and graduating/make me feel better about myself") youll start to see a difference.I dont know if any of this helped; hopefully it did but I tend to ramble.', 'Youre good enough. Youre strong. I feel so similar to you; I always try my hardest to make others feel better and know how important they are, yet it rarely feels like anybody tries to make ME feel better. You arent small. Sometimes the kindest, biggest hearts have the toughest struggle. Please know you arent alone. If you ever need a kind word, were all here for you.', 'Oh God, I am so sorry. I understand. Some people are really fucking rude. But please know not everybody is like that. There are some really great people, Im just sorry youre having to deal with the shitty ones. But just because of others shitty actions doesnt mean you should take the brunt of it. Fuck those guys. You deserve the world.

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Im sorry that was the reason you had to move. Does your boyfriend know how youve been feeling?', 'Anytime! Pm me if you need anything else', 'Its awesome! Definitely worth buying a popcorn as well. Basically its giant robots fighting. Pretty cool huh?', 'Everythings solvable my friend. Dont give up on yourself because you feel like no one wants you. Do you have a friend you can talk to?', 'Thank God. Im glad to hear there is some justice in this world. Youre a smart women, and brave, most people wouldnt have the guts to do that. Im proud to call you a fellow human. Have you started talking to lawyers about getting sole custody? ', 'Hey man, whats up? :) Im here for you!', 'First of all stop blaming yourself. You were involved in your moms accident, however you are not at fault for it. Trust me Penguingoum. Secondly what do you mean you dont live the way people around you do?', 'Theyre coming out with new medication all the time. Youll find something that works faster and more efficiently. Its only a matter of time.', 'First of all, yes you should respect your parents and listen to them, so kudos to you for doing that, it shows a sign of a stand up guy; HOWEVER, this is a lot more serious than they think, Depression is a Tired real thing. To be honest I would advise you to go to the doctor with or without their permission. Just tell them "I respect you and I understand that you dont want me to go, but I still feel the need to, so Im going" If you feel comfortable with it, tell them about having Suicidal thoughts. Just make it short and to the point. Its worth the money you would have to pay. Secondly, listen bro (or broette) assuming your a bro here though..We all make mistakes, we all are stupid when were young, but the great thing is that we can always change. You can always make a future for yourself, sure itll take some hard work and dedication, I know you can do it though, you seem extremely determined :)', 'I wouldnt have been able to go to college and make new friends!', 'Hey whats up? It doesnt sound whiny to me, I absolutely know that feeling. I would love to talk with you more.', 'So whats stopping you from going out and being part of the world again? Do you just not feel the desire to?', 'While suicide may seem like a logical choice, it is never an intelligent move.', 'Well Ive gone through some horrible things in my life too, different things, but in some regards just as horrible. And its taken a while, but right now I am in a better place. I really dont believe that its bullshit, I just think thats how life works.', 'Why dont you go out and do something? Have you tried picking up a sport? Or maybe taking an online class? just because youre unemployed doesnt mean you cant be amazing. Sometimes once you start something, even if you have to force yourself to, you find the will to do it.', 'First off? Get in contact with her, no matter how you do it. Then talk to her, be honest, tell her that youre scared shes going to Pain herself and that you dont want that to happen. Secondly, go visit her. Will it cost money and be inconvenient? Yes. Will it show her that you love her enough to go out there? Definitely yes. Third, if she tries to commit suicide, or you think there is a extremely likely chance that she is going to commit suicide, you should call the police. She may be upset at you for doing this, but it could save her life. I would also advise talking to her parents, suicide is not something to be taken lightly.Also check out /rSWResources.Good luck, if you have any questions, dont hesitate to ask.', 'It sounds to me like a pretty normal relationship. Everyone has ups and downs, and everyone has baggage. As long as his supporting you, or in the Tired least trying to support you then his a positive influence in your life.', 'Have you seen Pacific Rim yet? Its quite good. :)', 'No dont worry about it! Im sorry that thing seem to be so eh. Is it possible for you to get a new book? That seems kindva silly of your parents to take away something that you use as a tool to make yourself less Stress out. What is your hardest final going to be?', 'Yes I can confirm SUICIDE IS DUMB. Trust me Im a living breathing human being. And Im thankful for each second Im alive.Edit: Additional sentence added.', 'How old are your kids?edit: spelling', 'First of all get a restraining order. I would also advise reporting the incident of rape to the police. To be honest the police probably will be unable to find evidence against him, but its worth a try. Also getting a restraining order from this freak will keep you and your child safe. I really hope you dont choose to abort him or her. Adoption is always a better option. Im here for you.', 'Before you try that, would you mind talking with me? I would love to know whats going on in your life right now.', 'Hey anytime man! Im here for you :)', 'Well whats bothering you the most?', 'Well first of all go to r/SWResources. Secondly you need to, need to talk to him about this NOW. Like literally right this minute. right now. Preferably in person. You never know where someone is emotionally or mentally. Showing you care could save his life.', 'I know that feel :/ How long ago did you guys break up?', 'How about you just put the gun down and go to sleep? Tomorrow is a completely new day.', 'Im sorry you feel this way :( I can talk with you for a while if you would like :)', 'I understand where youre coming from, and its not easy. Have the suggest alternative methods to handle your Depression?', 'High school can be really confusing sometimes :/ I would encourage you to talk to your teachers. More likely than not, they will tell you what they expect when it comes to finals. I also would encourage you to work out. Working out has been shown to have a lot of positive mental effects. You said you hide your feelings, do you have someone to talk to about them, besides writing them down?', 'Agreed. To be honest a lot of people who say theyre going to kill themselves if you break up with them, are obviously trying to manipulate you. ', 'Wow yeah that is a sticky situation youre in, especially because you dont know where she lives. If you find out where she lives and you really think she is a about to commit suicide, then dial 911, if the operator picks up for your area (which will happen) then ask them and explain your situation. They probably can connect you to the right station up in Canada. (Canada emergency phone number is 911 just like us) When you get in contact with I would encourage you to find out where she lives, maybe ask her if you can send her a care package. (that way you have her address.) In regards to actually talking to her, Im glad you said youre always honest, just try to be positive AND realistic. Stress to her how important she is to you.', 'I can only imagine what that must be like. Have your family and friends tried to talk to you? What do you do in your free time? I hope youve talked to a doctor, if not its extremely important that you do.', 'Well modern medicine is amazing, who knows what the next ten years will bring? I personally am glad for each breath I take, and I believe your child would feel the same. I understand where youre coming from when you mentioned pro-choice, and youre right in the end it is completely up to you. I can only imagine how mentally distraught you must be. I dont know how you feel, because I have never been in your situation.', 'Woah hold up..why are you not allowed to go to the doctor? If you think you have Depression, then you should DEFINITELY go. What do you mean exactly when you say a failure in everything? ', 'Youll be in my prayers, I really hope things get better. If you need someone talk Im here for you :)', 'I wish you the best of luck! :)', 'Youre gonna get there.. just be patient. I know that may not be what you wanna hear, that you should wait, but sometimes thats what we have to and should do.', 'First off the biggest thing you need to do is to talk to him about this, confront him and have an honest one on one, or family on one talk. Secondly you should convince him to seek professional help, it will help him in the long run. You should talk to him ASAP. If he tries to commit suicide, or you think he is literally about to you should call 911. Also check out our subreddit, /r/SWResources. Good luck mate, bless ya.', 'Maybe his just "seeing girls" to get over you? You shouldnt feel inadequate though. If he broke up with you then its his loss! You seem like a great gal, it sucks that someone would be stupid enough to break up with you. Listen it doesnt matter how pretty or intelligent or mature, or perfect someone is, if someone gets in a relationship, then they run the risk of having their heart broken. Its part of what makes having one so exciting. I know that it must feel horrible to see him seeing other girls already, like I said though, most likely he could be using those girls as a rebound because he wants to get you off his mind. Just take the highroad, dont be discouraged by a single failure. Theyre so many people looking for a good relationship, youre going to find the right person :)', 'Im here, wanna talk? :)', 'Hey Penguingoum! Im here for you and Ill try my best to help you. :) I know you dont want to hear this, but you NEED to get professional help. Having Suicidal thoughts is not something you can just ignore, you need to deal with it, its important for your safety. Do any of your friends know?', 'While losing you job is a set back, dont you think its worth it in order to get yourself back under control?', 'Well first of all, you need to talk to your doctor ASAP. Even if you have physically go to him. Please dont give up, just because of some confusion. Yes the medicine may take a while to kick in, but its worth waiting for, trust me. Lifes far too amazing and full of surprises to quit. :)', 'Hey man, Im here too!', 'Well Im here for you, if you wanna talk :) Ill be honest it sounds like youre life is hard, no denying it. But youre legitly trying to prove yourself, thats alot more than most people in your position can say. Kudos to you man, your a fucking champion.', 'Stay Awesome man :)', 'Im really sorry to hear that. How long ago did that happen?', 'Hey whats up mate? Wanna Chill with me for a while? Im here for ya :)', 'Im sorry life feels so meaningless. It may sound silly but trust me that there is more to life then what you are living right now. You have to find what makes you happy, what fulfills you. You went on a date with a girl and she seemed nice? Fuck man! Chase after her! Show her you care, whats the worst that could happen? Do you exercise at all? If you dont run, ride a bicycle to work, start taking a martial arts!! I am not a licensed doctor, but I honestly believe that by become active and venturing out of this hole of Depression youre in, you will find happiness. Life is what you make of it man, I learn that everyday over and over again. Tomorrow I am required to do ABSOLUTELY NOTHING. I could sit at home and play halo all day. Fuck that man. Im getting up at 9:30 Im gonna go work out at the gym, after that Im going to volunteer for a few hours and help some people out, then Im gonna take one of my friends, and show him literally the greatest boot repair shop in the world. So yeah I could do nothing with my life tomorrow, but I choose to do something, its what keeps me alive and it keeps my blood flowing. Thats what you gotta do. Does applying for job thats probably gonna be boring absolutely suck? Yeah it does. But itll get you money, which you can save up, and maybe go travel to somewhere awesome. Listen man this world is so much bigger and more important than for you to be caught up in a drunken weed filled stupor of despair! I really believe in you. You have the potential to not live your life in a never ending circle, and to make something of yourself.TLDR: Plain and simple the point of life is to make something out of yourself and prove to the world who you are.', 'Ah I totally gotch you. Im in college and just had my first English final, those things can be pains. :/ So if you dont have a job what do you do in your free time? At lot of times exercise can improve someones move drastically!', 'Have you tried cycling? Go on to craigslist.com, you can find a decent bike for around 150 dollars. Not only does it give you exercise, but you can also go further then you could by walking. Why did you move to the suburbs, if you dont mind me asking?Edit: Punctuation', 'Wow thats some deep thoughts my friend. If you dont mind my asking what made you think life is torture?', 'Well if you can see that your boyfriend has no positive benefit, then why is he in your life? By the way I think its a good idea to let your boyfriend know about what youre dealing with, maybe he can pay for you to have a therapist?', 'Im here too man.', 'Sitting here arguing and begging you wont achieve anything. I urge you however to reconsider what you are thinking about doing. I and all the people here care about you. In the end none of us can stop you, I do know for a fact that while this life may seem horrible at times, killing yourself to run away from your problems is never the right option.', 'Im sorry about the delay. I totally know what you mean. I found that the more relationships that Im in the harder it is to connect with people. :/', 'Hey wanna talk with me for a while? Im here for you :)', 'Hey man wanna talk? Im here for you :)', 'Heres on reason why: Everyone has something to live for, whether its simply just to smile at someone else and make their day, or give a homeless man money. Live not for yourself my friend, but keeping living for the others that you can help. If you wanna talk Im here. Or if you need more reasons. :)', 'Not at all. Sleep well my friend :)', 'To be honest having and feeling Pain in life comes with having joy and happiness in life. I wont lie, I do agree with you, some Pain never goes away COMPLETELY, one of my best friends died when he was 9 and I was 13, I still think about it today, and it still hurts, but not as much as it did 5 years ago. The reason why I keep going on is because I believe that life is worth living simply because you never know whats going to happen tomorrow. I keep living for the Excitement that tomorrow I might meet my soul mate, tomorrow I might make save someones life, tomorrow I might get a raise, tomorrow I might win a trip to Hawaii, tomorrow I might get a bunch of karma on Reddit. So thats why I keep living because while life has ups and downs, seeing which comes next, keeps me on my toes. In regard to your final comment I believe that we dont want those who have Emotional upset Pain to end their life, is because we all have Emotional upset Pain, and we realize that you can overcome it, if you have hope and patience.', 'Dude losing 40 pounds is an amazing achievement. It takes hard work and a strong work ethic to do. You cant just go out there and lose 40 pounds. You should be seriously proud of yourself. ', 'Hey Im here to talk with you Cool Koala 53 :) If youre having Suicidal thoughts, you need to visit a doctor and get professional help as soon as possible. I can talk to you and sort some things out, but I am in no way a professional. So whats going on exactly that has you so down?', 'No worries mate! Anytime you need to hear it just post here and someone, will remind you. :)', 'Hey whats up man?If you need someone to talk to Im here', 'Well Im here to talk if you would like. Whats up?', 'Wow that must be hard :/ For me the two Asthenia mark is where things usually started to get easier for me. (But Im a guy so it may be different) I would encourage you to try to keep yourself occupied. The busier you are, the less time you have to think about him.

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You are so young. Believe me there are assholes at every level of life. When your young you deal with them at school. As adult at work. You need to see that you are what you are and just go with it. Perhaps a support group in your area would help you. Killing yourself only causes others in your life Feeling unhappy and heartache. ', 'Firstly you should focus on the most important thing in your life...you! Do not try to get the attention of others. You are so young and new to life and there is so much out there for you. Life is made up of both good and bad experiences. Everyone has good and bad in thier lives. No one has a perfect life. You have to have good and bad so that as you mature you will be able to deal with the things you may come against in life both good and bad. You are important and deserve to see what life is all about. Dont let the actions of others make you feel otherwise. Talk to your parents or family member or even a councelor at your school. Someone will help you. You just need to reach out. ', 'Wow. I think that your feelings about being gay is the problem. I am gay and have been with my partner (actual my legal spouse) for 23 years. We married in 2004. I have never had an issues with others acting out towards other than in 1994 when things were different. It is tough to accept the fact of your sexual orientation once you know for sure. I hope you can find some peace and comfort with who you are as a person. Being gay is not just about sex. It is about love as well and we all need that.

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Youre gonna have to get a new therapist. You can try talking to people on #bus: http://buslist.org/chat.html a lot of them have been where you are.

Supportive

I have to be honest with you, you WANT that to happen and maybe we romanticize death the be that way, "Oh he wouldnt want us to grieve." But they will. They will lose jobs, end relationships, cry themselves to sleep, drop out of school, develop insecurities, ask themselves why again and again six years later at 3 o clock in the morning, their lives will be irrevocably and permanently scarred by the ugly fact that what happened DID effect them in an terrible and unfair way. If you find yourself unsure if you can do it for you, PM me and Ill tell you all the reasons you can do it for them. Seriously. It will ruin their lives forever.', 'Hey, Depression and Suicidal thoughts are not correlated with how great your life is going. There is no shame in mental illness, regardless of how many "wins" you can rack up. Its okay to be sick. When my boyfriend committed suicide a lot of people said things like, "But he had a good family" and "He had you! What kind of guy would give that away?" It just doesnt work like that. Of course, acute situations can push someone to committing suicide and that is what I would worry about.Im not sure what your financial situation is, but seeing a professional is the best thing I can recommend. Not just once, but consistently. Youre not alone. People feel like this all the time. Its not to minimize how much Pain your in, but to empower you to know that there are people who recover, people who grab ahold of all the things you wish you could feel. It sounds like self-esteem plays a big role in how you feel: calling yourself a pussy, not feeling comfortable around women, etc. I can assure you that being in a relationship isnt the key to getting over it (and people who say to "get over it" should be kicked in the shins!) Anyways, I read this. I see it. Im thinking about you. There is someone out in this great, big world who cares about you and wants the best for you, okay?

Indicator

No more ideas?', 'I dont agree with live for others kind of advice. I think you should live for yourself and your friends and family. The world isnt going to be fixed any time soon, so stop thinking its all on your shoulders.', 'Regular exercise and a lack of excessive Stress is important to a good life. So is a decent job.Work is now stressful, yes. Its never done.Im on a long break now. Its Tired hot and humid where I now live so I cant really do anything. I cant handle the heat well. I want to prepare for my death before I go back to work.', 'Its not only that. The career enabled me to live a certain lifestyle and live in a certain place and not have to worry too much about money and other things.', 'Why would you like that?', 'I dont think there are any other kinds of job I could do in this country.', 'It has been 5 years since I lost my job. I have tried my best.The things I lost in my life, I believe them to be extremely fundamental and important things. I also lost a life that had little worry and Stress. Now I have a job that gets worse every day, doesnt allow me time to exercise, is in a boiling hot city that saps me of energy, has horrible bitchy colleagues, and so on. This is the norm, I have come to realize.', 'I really liked living in this country, and kind of still like it.Other jobs will be like this or worse. We live in a world of shitty jobs.I had one of the best jobs in the world and threw it away. I cant tolerate any job that isnt as good, which is to say, all of the rest of them.I can move to a different job (in the same industry) and city in time, a less hot and humid place, but it wont be as good as the climate in the city where I was, and even then Ill still have lost years of my life.', 'People dont understand suicide and arent going to understand your suicide attempt; it will just be looked upon as mental Asthenia or a moment of madness, or some kind of childish gesture.You arent going to make people understand. They dont even understand actual suicides and cant imagine why anyone would want to kill themselves. I guess this lack of understanding could be a survival mechanism. Only Suicidal people are likely to understand.', 'Its not going to be fixed. The world is fucked. There are ~7bn people fucking up the planet with our mere presence. Forget about it and just enjoy your life.

Ideation

It started about two years ago. I dont feel like typing out the whole story but my love interest repeatedly made unbelievably stupid mistakes and i was isolated out of Feeling unhappy which led to me answering questions with the help of the internet and finding various intellectual people to listen to. I want to meet a single person in real life that doesnt make me want to compare him to the global wildlife. I know that it would make me feel much better. Of course these people exist. I have no idea how rare they are. "At the same time, shes open minded, has a big heart, appreciates life and doesnt need an intellectual joke to laugh. Thats also really important stuff to learn." What in the world does having a big heart entail? Appreciates life? That depends on her situation. It has next to nothing to do with the person herself. If shes fine with laughing at the same canned, witless jokes every single day, Im not interested. Every single person on this planet should have an open mind. You have not convinced me that i am looking at the "wrong" things.I am willing to talk about anything that i can think of out of the top of my head. I am not willing to have the same discussion every single day. ', 'I am typing this with a somewhat severe headache.Ignorance is indeed bliss. Everything that we do is a waste of time. Youre not being rational about some things though. What any other animal does on this planet is just as insignificant as the things that we do. This planet is just as significant as a grain of sand on a massive beach. You shouldnt be so concerned about the fact that we are ruining it. Its unimportant. We are just as intelligent as the cavemen that discovered fire. We are educated animals and that is why we dont live in a healthy utopia, building homes on other planets. Out of curiosity, How young are you?You call our society "wrong". Well, What is right? How do you want our society to function? What exactly is it that you wish to change? "The way we interact with one another". What exactly is wrong with common human interaction?What is a "true" sense of happiness? Emotions are a result of chemical reactions. There exists only one form of happiness as we know it. You raise many questions and some of them are quite nonsensical. You appear to be intelligent but confused. You wanted to think for yourself and i personally like that. Im not sure where to go from here. I would need more context in order to say more. I can relate to you and thus i feel as if i want to give you a semblance of some sort of aid. I would personally prefer to have never been born, I cant give you any advice when it comes to extortion of Suicidal thoughts but it seems as if you are as aforementioned, confused, and i would relish a chance to bring some matters into light. ', 'I am typing this with a somewhat severe headache. Im not sad, Nor am i glad. I dont care about anything. Ultimately, Everything is pointless. We live on a grain of sand in the middle of an enormous beach. I would prefer to have never been born and yet i dont really want to kill myself. At this point in my life, I could have had been surrounded by friends. I could have had a girlfriend. I am attractive and intelligent. I value rational thought and the ability to question everything. And so what am i doing here, Scrolling up and down this subreddit?Before i go on ill go ahead and tell you that i am currently 14, Close to 15 years old though im hoping that your response will be insightful as opposed to the usual "Youre a teenager and you have teenage problems. Talk to someone who gets paid to listen to you and your problems will go away, If they dont, Take meds."So why have i not surrounded myself with friends? Well, Its because i am not blissfully ignorant. These people, They talk about the same things every single day. They crack the same jokes every time they see fit. To cut it short, I feel as if they are proof against the concept of free will because they dont appear to have a mind of their own. They are easily affected by commercials, They are easily manipulated. And to think that i used to be just like that.Obviously, I shouldnt befriend people who i dont like. I shouldnt enter a relationship with a moron just because shes "cute". The problem is that its Tired difficult for me to find another person with a similiar mindset. I want to meet someone who can think of something that i have not already thought about. Someone who can say something that makes me want to call this person a genius. My life appears to be hopeless. I have skipped countless days of school. Sure, I could work towards high degrees but i fail to see a reason when i have lost interest in life in general. I highly doubt that ill ever find another person to care about. I have been staring aimlessly around my room for a while now and my head is pounding. Im not sure where to go from here. My only real way of entertainment is gaming and even that is limited due to shitty economy. I spend my days on the internet, Watching youtube videos, Listening to podcasts, Reading webcomics, Being on reddit. I really dont understand why i so rarely break out in tears. Ill stop typing now. Perhaps ill submit a post of my own. Im not expecting anything. Is there a remedy for my apathy?', 'Sharing a piece of my mind doesnt solve any problems.Nothing can solve this problem, Really. I am helpless. ', 'I may sound a bit offensive, I dont know, Im not actively trying to be a dick.Most of what you have said comes of to me as a load of feel-good jargon and i was expecting to hear that. I was expecting someone to say something along the lines of "Hey, Youre right, But just ignore the massive load of shit that is your life and just work hard and your life wont suck anymore." Its extremely common.Im not stubborn at all. My mind is open. I look at facts. I know the difference between subjectivity and objectivity. I dont have any unsubstantiated beliefs.Whether or not something is beautiful is entirely subjective. Nobody is born with the will to ride motorcycles. Thats a preposterous claim.Im not sure what to say. You are attempting to appeal to my emotions and while i appreciate the effort, It doesnt appeal to me. ', 'Never did i mention the apparent fact that i am depressed. I am not. I have come to understand the objective fact that my life metaphorically sucks dick and that the people in my social vicinity are in a manner of speaking, retarded. My stance is logical and its not a cause of Emotional upset confusion. I believe that my understanding of our species is quite large in fact. Perhaps i forgot to mention it but i am fully capable of socializing with these people. I just dont like them. Thats the problem. I am not interested in meditation, I might as well just go to a nearby church and accept jesus christ into my heart. I am not going to gobble pills in order to force myself into a positive state of emotion. Its not in any stretch of the imagination a viable solution.

Ideation

Theres a test for depression? I just went to the doctor who sent me to a psychologist who just asked me a bunch of self evident questions and gave me meds. Didnt seem like much of a science.I dont understand the distinction between losing faith in myself and in life. I am life, from my perspective, and I have no faith in myself.', 'I do think Im strong relative to some but I dont think Im strong enough to do anything more than manage to survive in Pain. All of my strength goes to putting on a brave face and going to work every day or being around people and acting like Im ok. And constantly second guessing myself and regretting my mistakes. Every day is spent trying to learn to live all over again. Trying to figure out some way to make things better. My morbid obesity is my primary problem. I have weighed as much as 500 lbs. I lost a lot of it, to the point that I knew what it was like to have other people look at you and not see you as a monster. Now they look at me with disgust again and I dont like to leave my house Tired often. I am heading to the gym right now. I feel like every time I start to head in the right direction I fuck something else and lose my way again. Started going back to the gym about a month ago. Went 5 days in a row. Then I seized my engine on the way to work because of pure negligence and stoned malfeasance. Then I bought a new car that is totally not the right car for me to have. I have no idea what made me think I could own this car without destroying it. I bottomed out and busted the oil pan 5 days after having it. Ive broken 3 other minor things already and every day I feel my fat body and inability to be careful fucking it up and making it worth nothing. I want to sell it but I have to go to work. All I can think about while driving it is how much I hate myself and how much of an idiot I was to think I could own something nice and take care of it after having destroyed a car a Asthenia earlier and knowing how much I destroy everything I touch with my physics. I dont even fucking like cars. I just pretty much make awful choices whenever I get the chance. All I really care about is sex and the aforementioned hooker is my idea of perfection. I will never have someone like her for real. I will never be satisfied with what I have. I am getting a big bonus check in a few weeks. I want to spend the rest of my money and life with her. At least Ill die satisfied. I feel like I am completely broken and it will never change. Even when I felt good about myself I knew someday the true fucked up me would prevail. And he did by deciding to support and co-depend a schizophrenic heroin addicted lunatic who helped bring me to levels of Pain and depravity that I never thought possible. Why did I make this awful choice at a time that I somewhat believed in myself? Because sex was amazing and I could have it whenever i wanted. Except she was never there. Its been 5 years since then and I am pretty much in the same place I was at when I fled. I am too ashamed to meet new people and am Tired of having the same 5 conversations with the ones I know. The salesmen at the audi dealership where I just bought my replacement oil pan are wondering why this disgusting, fat, unkempt dude is sitting in one of their cars in their lot for so long texting so Im going to go do some cocaine and go to the gym. Youd think I would have a heart attack but I am not going to be freed so easily from my Pain. ', 'I think that getting in shape is the most direct thing that I need to do if I have any hope to be ok. I try. I go to the gym irregularly and like to run on this specific machine that makes me not feel like I weigh 350 lbs. I like yoga, I like hiking, I like bicycling but I really cant do any of these things any more without being in too much Pain to do it consistently. And then theres the realization that losing weight is just like a heroin addict getting sober. Quitting the drug is only the start of the battle. Facing life afterwards is the really hard part. Ive gotten in (relative) shape before but just wound up back here because the reality is Im just fucking fundamentally broken. As for support groups... I just dont feel like talking is going to help me. Only action is going to help me and I dont even believe in that.', 'Maybe I do understand what you mean about losing faith in overall life... and I actually think that is the biggest problem.When I turned things around for myself in my 20s I got involved with a group of hippie anarchist primitivist types and felt like I was a part of something bigger than myself. The whole organic movement had yet to really become mainstream and I felt like there was magic and mystery behind the forces that were helping me change. That I knew something other people didnt and it was empowering.I dont believe in any of that any more, and dont believe in anything. It is really the only time in my whole life that I did. Im not really sure theres anything actually worth believing in to tell you the truth.', 'I have gone to therapy and been on medication. Medication felt like it was helping a first but after about a year I realized the only thing that changed was that I had a lot of sexual problems (whose psychological effects have lingered since I stopped taking them)Therapy is more of that hard work that Im basically unwilling to do consistently.. the hardest part seeming to be finding a therapist worth a damn. Ive been to 3 and I basically feel like they dont understand me at all and just have a bunch of platitudes. I think therapy is helpful for people who dont understand what needs to be done to make them happy. I understand what I need but I am too lazy, stubborn and cynical to do it.', 'Im not lazy when it comes to work either, although my current job is not physical in nature but I work hard at it and am really good at it and it is basically all I have to live for. But it also totally conflicts with my values and worldview and all it does is empower me with more money to buy more shit that doesnt really make me happy.In the last two years Ive started to have physical problems that have made it harder and harder for me to get back in good physical health and I just cannot get enough momentum to be healthy again. It is too painful. Im in a huge amount of physical Pain every time I exercise but also feel so much guilt and shame and regret for how much hard work Ive squandered away and how I was once headed in the right direction and Ive fallen so far.When I first started losing weight when I was 25 I weighed 500 lbs. I think I was happier then than I am now because I didnt know what it was like to be accepted as a person walking around on the street. Society hated me and I hated society. At some point when losing weight things changed, people stopped averting their eyes from me on the street, I started to be able to meet girls and make friends on the street and in public. I started to want to become a part of the world, and realized that people by and large werent the stupid, hypocritical monsters that my young, disenfranchised self made them out to be.Now, people wont look at me again. People make jokes about me at work. I am ashamed of myself and dont like to leave the house.Knowing what it is like to be "normal" is the worst part. I wish I had just died of a heart attack by now like I was always expecting when I was young.', 'I didnt take it that you were implying I was lazy, just was clarifying. A hard day at my job is the only thing that makes me feel worthwhile right now, but the catch-22 about it is that it leaves me so mentally Exhaustion that I dont ever want to do the things that I need to make myself healthy, which is so much more important that the job I do.I honestly dont blame people for being revolted by me. Im revolted by me, why shouldnt they be? Its obviously some natural shit, because when I was less obese people did not act the same way. Ive had therapists tell me that it is all in my head, but it fucking isnt. I am Tired good at reading people and I know that things are different. Hell, I think I can pinpoint that for me somewhere between 300 and 340 lbs is where I become too monstrous to be considered human by the general populace.Id like to thank you for what youve had to say. No offense to anyone else who is try to help me, but I appreciate your lack of feelgood platitudes or attempts at suggestions. Just having someone say they understand means a lot.', 'Any suggestions for a support group?', 'Also, thank you for taking the time to write. Sorry all I can do is give a rebuttal. ', 'The past is the past. Yes, I had the courage and willpower to get out of that situation vs. the alternative but it has been 5 years and I have not been able to heal myself and just continue to get more reclusive, fatter, more Depression and less in touch with what I once was briefly able to see as the things that make life worthwhile.Eventually people reach a point where it is just too late for them to change and I feel like I am there.', 'I think leaving the job is probably what I most need to do, but Im terrified of it.For starters, any other job I am currently capable of (meaning that doesnt force me to interact with people in person) is going to come with the same pitfalls.I feel like I need a serious break from work. Like a year to heal from all the shit that has happened to me, but I dont have anyone who is willing to help me. Ive considered staying with my parents but I think that will only make matters worse.I keep fantasizing about picking up and traveling for a while.. .focusing on getting in shape while I am on the road.. documenting it maybe... but Im scared. Scared of not being able to find a job on the other side of it... scared of becoming destitute in the process... Id like to hope I Flatulence/wind up doing this before killing myself... but it is hard, frightening and Ive already said a lot about my current Loss of motivation and fear. ', 'I basically have never believed in anything except for the time I previously mentioned and that went away when I lost my connection to happiness and life in conjunction with my becoming more of a realist and understanding the way the world really works better. As for how long I tried to take meds.... about a year. At first they seemed to help except caused Erectile dysfunction.. but that really plateaued after a few months and after a year I decided the Erectile dysfunction wasnt worth the nothing I was getting out of taking them. Unfortunately the psychological side of the Erectile dysfunction has still lingered and is often a problem. Its been over a year since I stopped taking them so its not like this decision to take my life is coming as a direct result of stopping. I am just Tired of failing. Ive been trying different strategies to get back on my Oedema of extremity for 4 or 5 years now. How long do you try and continue to get sicker and sadder before it is clear that it is just too late?People die after being miserable and alone for decades. I dont want to be one of them.

Behavior

Same, pm me and we can talk.', 'Hi. Im in the SAME situation: no family (parents passed, foster child, no friends etc. ) Ill tell people this from time to time and they really dont get it. If I kicked the bucket tomorrow there would be nobody at my funeral-for real!! Just the hand I was dealt. Its so confusing and heartbreaking sometimes though. One foot in front of the other, until my day in the sun comes... Its strange not being connected to anyone at all. Be strong', 'Its crazy how much we need that. Well I have no family (foster child, both parents passed), I recently got out of an eight year relationship and lost all my friends in the process, I have no money.... I look around the world and feel like it could be a lot worse... but really there is nobody in the world that loves me. I actually count days where I go without speaking to anyone. I dunno anymore. Enough about me. Although my name is Jenny and I live southern California. You???????????????????', 'Been waiting to feel like a woman for 30 years. No kids either. Honey, I dont know your story is but just work your way outta the sleep. Just do it slowly, one foot in front of the other. You dont have to wake up over night. But do wake up! I know a few more answers will come your way if you do...', 'How where you fucked over??????? ', 'Something out of nothing.... Hello :)', 'Somethingoutof...... The world is a heartbreaker. I dunno what your story is but I feel a lot better about this place just exchanging a few messages with you. I know that sounds corny but I do. You gotta be something special... Sorry you feel so hopeless....', 'May I ask how old you are??? I too feel like the universe just dealt me a shitty hand and somethings are out of my control...', 'Why are you here? Honesty this is my first time here (on SW). I tried, failed and was committed when I was 16. So many people out there that feel the same way I feel right now: hopeless and also feeling Tired "what for??" I guess theres comfort in that.... ', 'Im the worst to give advice but.....youre sooooo young friend!!! I wanted to die for a multitude of reasons when I was 20, so glad I held out. Youll meet somebody else and then wonder how it is that another person can have so much sway over your heart in the blink of an eye. Hold on, itll pass. I tried when I was 16 and failed. When I hit my early twenties it was like the clouds parted. Youre day will come, just gotta make it through this ruff patch. So many paths ahead of you...', 'Sorry: I did read over your comments. Im really inarticulate.... Do you already feel disappeared?? Or more just hopeless.... Im so bad at this!!!

Attempt

While people are bit burdened by my admitting my panic, it seems to help just a little, because its one less Fear to obsess over - the "do they know Im panicking?" ', 'Diagnoses seem to serve only two purposes - They help guide doctors toward certain medications/treatments and they are used by insurance companies to set rates to pay doctors. Even if you could name the exact disease with a title, there still wouldnt be a single treatment that would alleviate all of the symptoms.That being said, Im surprised that your doctor went with wellbutrin vs. an SSRI. But hey, Im not a medical doctor! SSRIs treat Depression and Anxiety/panic attacks at the same time, and have worked well for me who suffers from both.', 'Im glad you can see that it may not be the therapy, but rather the therapist that may be causing you a bit of strife. Youve noticed some Tired telling red flags. If you have any other choices within the current price range, it might be worthwhile to switch. What I would be looking for is someone who is cautious to throw out advice until they understand your situation.', 'BTW, it kinda feels like there two of you in your mind. The one who is berating you and your bad decisions, and then the one who actually messes up. Do you think it might be, you get Feeling nervous in certain situations. I notice that when Im around other people, I act really nutty.', 'Typically, Depression is diagnosed when you have a few of the symptoms on "the list." I was researching Feeling angry a few days ago and noticed a relatively new diagnosis called "Intermittent Explosive Disorder"', 'Im sorry to hear that anti-depressant medicine pretty much has been a bust for you. The traditional alternative to medication is cognitive behavioral therapy. It supposedly is effective in mild cases of Depression. But I can tell you from experience, it is a long haul treatment. Adderall does have a bad rap for abuse, but if you follow a doctors regimen and promise not to take more than prescribed it might give you a mild boost in mood. I only say this because my wife takes Ritalin for ADD, but it seems to make her a bit happier and have more energy. ', 'Have you ever picked up on positivity and joy from someone? PM me if youd ever like to chat about spiritual stuff. I feel like you have a gift but you are also weighed down by something, heaven knows what. But I believe things like this can be improved...', 'I know a boat-load about the other side from personal experience. Its not something I can talk about on this subreddit, but you can PM me if youre curious. Needless to say, unless someones body and mind are broken inside and out, this place (here and now) is a lot more fun and interesting.', 'Thats awful that when you were not under their roof and not helping you out, they still were nagging you. Its also disappointing that while your brother and sister probably get their own criticisms from your parents, at least they can wipe their tears with dollar bills. What other options have you thought of besides the nuclear option?', 'Congratulation on getting me to read your whole story. I normally avoid the long ones. My theory is that most people are full of serotonin or whatever - and are internally and eternally happy. People like us are lacking this - and therefore see the world for what it really is - a second-rate non-scripted reality show.', 'It sounds like she might have gotten a bad lot with professionals in her first try. The problem is that if she ignores her issues and commits some sort of self - harm shes going end up being forced by the state into some regimen. You are being a saint sticking by her. Id encourage her to get a "second opinion" I went through a few docs until I got my treatment working for me so that aspect IMHO is not a big deal. ', 'Unless our parents take the time to go to support meetings themselves (e.g. parents of children with mental Illness) theyre not going to know how to work with you to make your life better. Your best advice is going to come from people who have/had mental Illness also and professionals who have studied the field and know techniques that have at least been somewhat scientifically tested.', 'I remember to this day when someone pointed out one my personality flaws. So, in that case, Pain can last. But the truth is I needed to know this so I could learn to improve myself. Also, I often find that when someone "insults" me, it only hurts when it resonates with me - in other words, when I can see some truth to it.', 'I agree that if you can show improvement in your drumming this will give your bandmates something positive to share with you. I also agree that, at least, for now they are your social support - so you may not want to share all of your negativity with them if they cant handle it. But - please find someone you can share your Depression with - you dont want to suffer alone. Thats the worst.', 'How long were you together with them?', 'I see from your comment history, youre 41 like me, but youve been down a lot rougher path than I have. SSRIs have kept me sane for the last 20 years. How long have you been suffering?', 'Have you tried seeing a doctor about your possible Depression? Depression can really make your memory into mush. It can also lead to Feeling angry outburts. A lack of interests - or not really enjoying anything is another sign. Medication can help some people. Also, although youve tried it once, you could try again with a therapist that focuses solely on improving your mood, not trying to change you.', 'So let me get this right, the Depression made you feel. Now that you are on meds, youre more functional, but life is boring/numb? If thats the case, you may want to ask your doc for a new medication (you can always go back). I used to take Zoloft, it made me OK but completely empty. Meanwhile Paxil and Celexa, I was also better, but didnt die inside. ', 'Seeing as you are like me in the belief of the divine, you might appreciate a dream I once had. A man sent me a wave of energy he called pure unconditional love because I asked him too. It was an amazing feeling of light and warmth. I felt myself crawling into a fetal position as I sobbed in joy. He then told me you do not need to ask for this love. It is inside of you, it is your birthright. (it is everyones birthright)', 'Manager at a McDonalds? Thats not a failure by any means. I would agree you wouldnt want that to be your last step up the career ladder. But that shows organizational and leadership skills and generalizable to other fields.', 'You are a trooper. Ive been Depression for over 20 years, but medication has kept me afloat. If you ever want to chat more and "bring me down" you can PM me.', 'Well. I read your post. So at least a few people are "listening" to you right now.', 'Im sorry that a random internet stranger like myself would be making you feel worse. ', 'Psychiatrists are not usually appropriate for counseling for the exact reasons you offered, the session is too short, and they are not often experts in counseling. Instead, a much less expensive social worker would be a better bet, if its possible. You could get a full 45 minute session and hopefully a much lower rate. Good luck in finding something like what Im claiming...', 'Im sorry to read that you are suffering.', 'I suggest you cross-post to /r/suicidewatch to get some more eyeballs.', 'I got hit with Depression at age 19. Sure you could blame that for the first time in my life I was getting Bs in classes. But yeah, *it* happens. If your Depression is biological in nature, the cause is unclear and still debated in scientific circles. Medications help a subset of these people. Hopefully, you are one of them. Another option is cognitive therapy.', 'She sounds like she is in unimaginable Pain. As long as you are not in harms way, you are being a saint by sticking with her.', 'Ill bet, deep in the subreddits, there is a subreddit devoted to this Tired topic. ', 'Very cool. Another interesting idea, I just discovered a site called 7cupsoftea.com, where you can chat with non-professionals (mostly) and they are supposed to just listen (and ask good questions). I wish I had that resource when I was in my depths of isolation in college.', 'Panic attacks can be ridiculously uncomfortable. Theres a lot of possibilities for anti-depressant medications. Ive been through about 9 in my life, so far. Things can get better, if one of them helps you. Your experience with "free" therapy is unfortunately all too common, it seems. If you Google some resources on cognitive behavior therapy, you might be able to work with the therapist on the basic exercises.', 'It sounds like you have done an amazing job keeping your friend on this planet. The only thing I can think of are free medical/counseling services offered by the county/state of his residence. ', 'CBT was not an end-all-be-all for my Depression. But I guess it eventually changed how I perceived myself which is a good thing. I looked back at a journal I spent about 1.5 years on. Page after page of negative thoughts I had , followed by logical responses to them. Lot of repeating my self. But thats the point, you have to fight your inner critic tooth and nail, so that it doesnt keep bringing you down.', 'I found that I got quite miserable when I was forced to take many separate days off. When you say you dont have money to do things: Some things are nearly free. Like walking outdoors in relatively low car traffic areas, e.g. parks, subdivisions. Also, walking around indoor shopping malls. Like I said, Im no expert on dealing with days off ;)', 'When I got serotonin syndrome I became majorly obsessive and Anxiety. ', 'I actually know someone who dove head first into the shallow end of the pool and became paralyzed, so thats a Tired chilling analogy :)', 'Is there something you did recently to bring this on? Something you feel bad about doing.', 'I found that in my depths of Depression, Tired few people wanted anything to do with me. Those that did are special souls. But even they could only take so much, and I was isolated quite a bit. ', 'What Im hearing you say, is you definitely dont want the status quo of your current profession. But without a motivator - like a specific career goal (scuba-diving internet engineer) its hard to be motivated to go through all of the coursework of getting a degree. Not to mention, without the social aspects of college, its not enjoyable.It sounds like, at the end of the day, you need things to live for, a partner, a dream job/location, etc. - and right now you dont. Without some carrot, now or in the future, life seems hard to get excited about, especially as changing course at this point in your life is difficult, scary, and theres no guarantees of success.', 'Im not OK with it. I feel empty when neither is in effect. And Im certainly not as productive when I feel content and unexcited. I dont have a good solution, but I feel like my life is better than most where Fear is practically the only motivator. What motivates you?', 'Have any of the medications helped with Depression but you just couldnt tolerate the side effects? Theres another therapy thats a lot less scary sounding then ECT that involves magnetic stimulation instead. Youd have to google it, to see if its available or even approved.', 'What normally distinguishes healthy vs. Depression is how long a depressive episode lasts. For example, something bad happens - normal people will be sad for a few days and then recover. Depressed people will linger in Feeling unhappy much longer. Another possibility to consider is that you maybe getting swings from the SSRI. If you felt like you were "on top of the world" for awhile on Zoloft, that could mean it pushed you too far in the manic direction. No matter what, that will be followed by a low. If thats the issue, sometimes a mild mood stabilizer can help.', 'There are so many tutorials on Youtube regarding learning instruments. Maybe one will inspire you to pick up a used or rental instrument to give it a shot. ', 'Im glad you responded well to meds when you took them. I stopped and started medication many times throughout my life, but I every time I stopped, I slipped back into a bad time Tired slowly. Im now at the point, where I just take them regularly. If the issue is money, you can have your doctor prescribe larger pills that you break into pieces to last longer. Also, you can negotiate with your doctor about the dosage. For example, for the longest time, I took half of the smallest dose and I did fine.', 'Im sorry to hear about where you are at right now at.There are many classes of anti-depressants out there - and sometimes not only will they not work, but theyll make you worse. But you have to try each class once before you can rule them all out. Ive been on 9 different ones - and Im much better now. As far as having no money - are you too old to be on their insurance? That could help a lot - for example you can try out talk therapy. ', 'I guess results vary. Ive been on ssri s for about 20 yrs. Im not sure where Id be without them. ', '/r/Anxiety might have more relevance. But I totally get your situation. The energy of parties is too overwhelming. I prefer keeping it small. I guess it doesnt help you are in a foreign land.', 'Ive been on meds for 22 years. Yes there are adjustment periods. And you may want try different ones until you get the best effect with least problems. But in the end if you can get relief from Depression its worth the side effects. I had a really bad effect which was rare (every 6 months , severe abdominal spasms) but I still would rather be not Depression. ', 'Ill add that there have been studies that show that people who committed suicide had an excess of a chemical called quinolinic acid in their spinal fluid. Perhaps if they can figure out whats causing that or if that is a cause of Depression, then researchers may be able to find a solution to Suicidal Depression.', 'You sound like a wonderful person. It also sounds like you are doing everything right. The only missing component for her might be medication. I admit I wouldnt have the foggiest idea whether it would help her or not. I also would expect, if the therapist she occasionally sees was wise, they would determine whether or not to refer her to a doctor.Keep up your amazing work. BTW, I think youre correct in limiting your attention, so she doesnt just "use" you. It inevitably can build some resentment/negativity in the listener, so its good to have space.', 'None of these are bizarre fears. They are all quite real. I guess the problem is when you dwell on them a lot and let them get to you. My biggest Fear when I was younger was Fear of death. Drove me crazy. Then I discovered for myself that we actually do have an afterlife (which by the way, *is* a bizarre thought) BTW, even if Im wrong on that one, there will be some interesting technological solutions to extend life and achieve effective immortality in the next 50-100 years - not sure I will live long enough to reach that point. ', 'Therapy is pretty much appropriate for any concerns you might have especially when they are ones that you dont want to share with people close to you. If done right, they listen and give you techniques to help you think about things. I guess it comes down to whether insurance can cover it.', 'It seems like your current job is getting you down - and it is certainly not good enough to help your family. Physical presents are unnecessary. Your presence - your willingness to support her when you can and not give up - is a present enough.', 'I think I understand now. Youre concerned that your hormones are making you into someone you dont want to be. I believe you can take control, if you want, and it will become easier as your body/mind adapts.', 'My stock answer is for her to see a doctor. The doctor can make a diagnosis and prescribe some medication or therapy if he/she feels it is necessary.', 'I know what youre saying. it takes special people to go into the depths with you. I found a lot people were able to sorta be happy by just avoiding their thoughts and negativity. So when I brought it up they pulled away. You have to imagine it will eventually catch up to the ignorers.', 'It depends on your insurance whether you will need a referral. General doctors can prescribe anti-depressants, so you could start there. If they are stumped, or if you feel the doctor isnt listening to your concerns, then you can try a psychiatrist. ', 'I hope you can find a friend who is facing or has faced a similar struggle. They tend not to use the annoying tough love talk', 'Did you miss out on the college experience when you were younger?I know a person that went to college in their mid 30s and ended up becoming an MD. It was especially not easy for them, because they had a family they were responsible for and the college was several 100 miles away. And of course, 99% of the undergrads are 18-22. I guess my point is, anything is possible, as long as your brain is functioning (properly) and you want it bad enough.Dont get me wrong though, I understand lack of motivation. If it wasnt for the fact that I have to support a family and I have a job, Id be Depression regardless how much medication was pumped into me.', 'Are you freaked about going outside like Worried you will panic?', 'What are you Anxiety about? I know what its like to feel never-ending Anxiety that only ends in sleep.', 'Its rare to find a person from ones friends and family that really understand and accept your mental Illness. The fact of the matter is, if youve never had mental Illness or studied it, its difficult to understand the Pain of mental Illness. Nonetheless, there are a lot wonderful people out there as you have discovered. If you can get a professional to talk to on a regular basis, that would be the easiest, but perhaps the most costly, unless you have insurance. Many listeners at 7cupsoftea.com are mental Illness survivors themselves so at least they will "get it."', 'Nothing brought me more Feeling Feeling nervous than asking a woman out and having that first date. I remember once I was so Feeling nervous, that I ended up having to reschedule the date. It never got easier but at least I found someone that things worked out with.Im thinking that you actually have an interesting opportunity being friends with apparently single women. You should definitely take advantage of that, since I know people who dont have that edge. I guess when dealing with Anxiety you have to ask yourself what you want, how bad do you want it, and what risks youd be willing to take to make that happen. For example, say you asked a particular friend on a casual date. Whats the best thing that could happen? Whats the worst thing that could happen? ', 'This subreddit seems pretty safe. Also if you want to chat with people who are respectful, you can try 7cupsoftea.', ' Also look into newer magnetic stimulation techniques. Sorry for your predicament. ', 'It sounds like those things did help, but its quite a fight with Depression. While medicine ultimately worked for me after trying several ones over many years, it doesnt work for everyone. If you want to see how most therapists treat Depression, you can look up "cognitive behavioral therapy" or check out the book "Feeling Good" Therapy is not so much about life coaching but more about working on battling the thoughts that, for some, seem to lead to Depression.', 'As you probably know, theres actually a term for Depression that seems to pop up during certain times of the year - seasonal affective disorder. In any case, if you can find a professional therapist to talk to, you can work through a lot of the trauma that you are having to endure. The conversations are private and I doubt your parents would ever know what you are sharing. Yeah, the professional might want you on medication, too, but its ultimately up to you, you cant be forced... unless you inflict self-harm (and live to tell the tale). Im actually quite hopeful for you. You seem to have a concern for others and if directed towards yourself, all the better.', 'Your wife may be eligible for something called WIC. http://www.fns.usda.gov/wic/women-infants-and-children-wic Also, dont be so humble as to find about food programs. I once volunteered for a place that took like one day old food from restaurants/supermarkets and distributed to people in need. I have to believe stuff like that exists where you live. Theyll even deliver it to your door. Best of luck.BTW, I know you could let your wife collect on life insurance. But I think that your child would be better off having their father. I have a lot of life insurance but I know in my heart of hearts, that my kids need me not that money.', 'I have been going through a similar riddle right now - trying to find meaning and something worth pursuing.', 'I would think that nobody can force you to take a leave since conversations with professionals are typically protected by privacy laws. If you want to play it safe, get an outside therapist/doctor - this would ensure no meddling. What you have to weigh is voluntarily getting help and having a chance to succeed this year vs. not getting help and potentially either "flunking out" or being involuntarily admitted to a hospital and then being forced to take a leave.My story is kinda similar. In my second year of graduate school, I started relapsing with Depression/Anxiety. My graduate advisor offered to delay my qualification exam and seminars. I refused. Instead, I jumped backed into medication and therapy and was able to squeak by on my oral exam.', 'Looking back at the dark times in my life I am grateful for the few friends who stuck by me. Sometimes they may not want to chat. But remind them you are always available.', 'I appreciate your cynicism. I think the following suggestion will not help you but I just want you to know the truth about therapy. The comments you think they would make is what parents and friends make not therapists. Im not 1 just someone who had 3 in my lifetime. Look at the book Feeling Good or lookup cognitive therapy. This is what most therapists do. Other commenters correct me if Im wrong. Its been awhile.', 'As you just saw, Comedy is magical in that it converts the negativity of the world into something funny, producing a tinge of happiness', 'What happened to you was awful! I totally agree that police are usually not going to do Tired much in these cases unless someone was harmed. It is normal (and quite human) to feel exactly like you are feeling. I would suggest seeking out a professional therapist to work through this Pain time in your life, if your friends and family dont cut it for you. ', 'Ive been on antidepressants for 22 years. I tried to go off them about 3 times before I threw in the towel. Exercise is great but sometimes its not enough to fight Depression. ', 'Depression and Anxiety go hand in hand. They must use similar neural pathways. I guess nows the time to try one of those things people tell you do to get better, but you were too sluggish to even try.', 'Theres a wide variety of communes out there (not all of them religion-based): http://www.ic.org/directory/communes/but I imagine everyone has to take on either agrarian or domestic responsibilities. I dont think I would fit in too well, unless they needed someone to write computer programs. Sure I could wash dishes, but Id get bored Tired quickly. ', 'You use the term "medicated like a zombie"? I agree it is possible that certain medicines could make you worse off. But in my case, I have been "medicated like a normal human being" for the last 20 years. See a doctor, find out if you have Depression or something else. No one can force you take anything you dont want to - but at least youll get a professional opinion. ', 'Zaps might produce a Sharp Pain high pitch chirp in your head. Honestly for me not the worst of side effects.', 'Break it down into quantum subparticle tasks. ', 'Maybe http://www.reddit.com/r/asktransgender can help. The nice thing about the internet is you are never alone if you can find the right people. Best of luck.', 'Human connection seems to be correlated with happiness. Im sorry to hear that youve been scarred by relationships in the past. Since you cant control what others think/say - A question to ask yourself is how you feel about yourself. If you dont like yourself or feel theres a lot wrong, then when people make certain comments it will trigger the feelings you have for yourself. To take as an example, people tease me all the time at work, but the reason I can cope, is because Im aware of the aspects of myself that are broken and I accept it. And if I know deep down the teasing comment is not true, it bounces right off of me and I can laugh about it.', 'It must be Tired frustrating being ignored by the mental health place.There have been times in my life, that I felt like the rest of the world was doing their thing, and I was in my own void.Come over to 7cupsoftea.com if you want to chat with some real people. ', 'Try talking to a professional about your concerns. In some ways theres less worries than talking to your friends, because you might freak them out. Professionals keep the conversations private and they also have probably seen your situation where there are no obvious reasons and they can help you work through these ideations.', 'I have spent my entire life seeking to be special. I still do at 41. BTW, the fact that you are a bass player means (I would think) that you should be at least a bit in demand. What Ive done over my life is as follows: I try to be good at what I do so at least I have a job and get paid well. And, from time to time I strive to be someone special. It hurts when I dont reach that level, but at least I have a cushion to fall back on. ', 'While it may not show the root cause, what thoughts go through your mind as you feel this Depression?', 'I can see your frustration. Its really two interrelated problems: not enough money to do the things that might improve your life, and a general feeling of "whats the point?" when youre not enjoying things you used to and your "tribe" (friends and family) are not being appreciative of all that youve done for them.Whats your current "dying" profession and whats the one that youd want to pursue if you had the means?', 'Nothing except pick the wrong person to talk to. Frankly a lot of people dont understand Depression" but you seem so happy"', 'The argument is that if my body can generate that feeling/emotion in a dream, then somehow I could feel that while awake. I just need the secret code.', 'I understand about wanting to end your Anxiety - its Exhaustion and painful. Have you ever sought treatment?', 'Im sorry your family is so oblivious to the realities of mental Illness.Some ideas:Find a free mental health clinic nearby.Use a decoy to go to the doctor. Some fake Illness. The doctor should respect your confidentiality.One other route is St. Johns wort which is sold at health food stores. Its a mild SSRI, but costs more because its not covered by insurance. And dont ever take with a prescribed SSRI. Too much serotonin.', 'Thats good to hear! Maybe you can count the good days/bad days. And if nots improving over time, then try the increase (assuming your doctor allowed that).', 'A few links here:http://www.michigan.gov/mdch/0,4612,7-132-2943_52115-203750--,00.htmlAt the Tired least you may have options where you pay based on your income.', 'During my lonely era, I used to make up voices for my stuffed animals. Try to get professional help for Depression if you can. You cant rely on friends to pull you out of that and they could end up pulling away (because its Exhaustion if you dont know how to process the conversations)', 'If you want to read my story:http://www.reddit.com/r/Thetruthishere/comments/146ee9/iama_astral_projector_who_meets_up_with_spirits/If you want to learn how to do the out-of-body method yourself:http://www.robertpeterson.org', 'Have you sought professional help like a doctor or therapist? Depression commonly emerges in college. Im sorry to hear that youve had to endure this during a time when youre trying to get a foothold on your own.', 'It sounds like you became an adult years ago, but youre still fighting for independence from your parents. I can imagine thats frustrating and Exhaustion. Do you live at home?', 'Your rebelliousness is fairly normal. Paranoia is never a good sign. Social phobia leads to isolation which is not always bad but you lose an aspect of life that can bring happiness and a sense of belonging. The dividing line I perceive in myself in whether to seek professional help is when I lose some ability to function - school or work. Frankly at this age is better to err on the side of hypochondria since mental Illness typically rears its ugly head by late teens, early 20s.', 'Connecting to others is essential to our well-being. So I understand how this is bringing you down.I find it hard to believe that people are picking up on something deep inside of you. It must be something more external that you may not realize, and no one has ever had the courtesy to let you in on it. I remember asking once why I was so avoided, and someone explained that i was too overbearing in conversations. I interrupted people while they were talking and I just talked too much.', 'There may be something that is turning them off (body odor comes to mind). Wouldnt it be cool if one these dates would explain what their turn off is? That could help immensely.', 'Ive lead an amazing life so far, but have been a Depression sufferer for slightly more than half of that. No amount of money or success will fix a broken mind. But medication/therapy sometimes can help.', 'I like the idea of continuously lowering the dose through tinkering with the capsules. Although, it might affect the time-release nature of the pill. Substituting another SSRI like Prozac that is easier to withdraw from sounds smart too. ', 'I found that when I was on Zoloft, I felt better Depression-wise but life seemed empty. Bottom line, if you can get an anti-depressive effect from one medication, theres a good chances others in the same class will work too - and they may not give you that same dull-ness feeling.', 'Your compassion for your ex-stepfather shows how wonderful you are. But, what he did to you was 100% wrong and 100% criminal. And you can kinda see why: even though you may not have any lasting physical scars/bruises on the outside, you have been damaged on the inside by his behaviors. Im not suggesting you shouldnt continue to love and support him but, you owe it to yourself to take of yourself first and foremost and work on healing your inner wounds with a professional counselor/therapist. ', 'Your logic is fine is your belief is correct - that death is the end of consciousness. In fact, humans still exist on this planet because we have irrational urges to continue our species. Im in the minority, though, in believing that theres more to this world than meets the eye. I guess you could say I believe life is a gift. BTW, I know what its like to struggle to be happy. Perhaps, the upside of Depression, it that I appreciate it more when those moments of happiness do occur.', 'Im sorry to hear about your heart condition. Your concerns are completely normal. My advice would be to "invert" your house (bedroom on first floor, etc.) or move into a rancher. When people get older, they choose housing without stairs because of the extra strain. In your case, you would get some peace of mind.', 'Well. I dont understand the dynamics of you and your parents, but if you feel that your "down"-ness is starting to interfere with grades, etc. you owe it to yourself to ask them not so much for understanding (because they might not understand) but the opportunity for you to get a professional opinion (presumably they will trust a family doctors opinion)', 'Thank you for sharing your story here. Seeing as you are (or were) a bookworm, I can understand the challenges in meeting people and making friends, because frankly a lot of people dont like to think too deep. If you pick a few random strangers, they are most likely interested in pop culture and just "having fun" I found a few friends online because in the vastness of the world, there are other people who will be on my wavelength. While reddit ends up being fairly anonymous, forums on the net devoted to specific topics can be a nice way to interact with people who have similar interests. Sure, its not as immediate as in-person interaction, but it can still be quite engagi

Ideation

I can try to fool myself it will work. ', 'Yes actually, I feel that way most of the time. ', 'Self trust as self esteem.... never thought of it that way. Maybe. Its that I tell myself to do something and then I dont, I start not to trust myself. I doubt even trust myself what Id do in rape during rape fantasies, what Id do if it actually happened, and that translates into sex life... in ways. It mindfucks me sometimes.I guess I can start simple...', 'Im Tired of people not trusting me when I dont trust myself. I asked God if he trusted me, he does. I cried because I really want to take that step of self trust', 'Whatever decision you choose to make, please take care of yourself well so that you dont make a mistake that will affect the rest of your life.', 'Its not hard. We barely talk as it is. My parents on a monthly basis and my brothers, never', 'Ive had that parent figure that called me selfish. To me, I was personally Pain by that comment. Id recommend that you just *try* not to dwell on those behaviors. They do nothing to help you. Im not sure how to deal with that myself, it still hurts years after the comments were made and still think that about myself...In any case, it *does* help to talk to someone. Im currently trying to convince my apathetic and scared self that it will be beneficial if I just talk to someone. Even if I bawl my eyes out. I hate when that happens, but tears do have healing properties.', 'Youre right, I have almost no trust in myself. And if I tried to write to my friends, itd be a lot longer than the post I wrote here to explain all the events of the last half a year. I know... Im trying to find excuses not to talk to them, and the list of excuses is growing less... but I also have a phobia of checking my emails or text.I havent even checked my personal emails since late Sept.', 'If i dont have an easy means to achieve them, then it makes life harder. I havent been able to enjoy myself like the great outdoors in years. Only my company gives me something of a pleasure but its fleeting. I come home .... to no one', 'The beach. .. Can you believe there are no buses yo take you there from where i live? Unless i spent four hours in transit to get there when it takes less than a hour by car. Even so? Theres probably no place around Tampa beaches to legally camp ', 'This is me to a T. Youre not stupid for feeling this way. I know I will never be able to end myself (see my first post to Reddit under this name, created today).So, dont feel alone. For me, it comes and goes. Im just waiting for this spell to end. One thing I normally do is not take care of people or do my chores. However because my SO had a bad fall today, I made him coffee. I felt somewhat marginally beter, but not by much. I was just a bit happy that I was able to help him in tha way. If I remained lazy, he wouldnt have that much needed coffee (hes prone to narcolepsy).What Im saying--hang in there! :)', 'I miss rock climbing but that requires having a buddy. And camping. I want to do solo camping but that requires transposition and i cant drive because of my bad vision. Anything outdoors is impossible to do on my own except if i paid an expensive taxi to drive me. I live in the middle of a large city', 'I blame my isolation on being deaf and living among Hearing people who dont understand the struggle. Thats why i crave internet. I love not being left out', 'Youre right, it is a difficult conversation to have. I feel the same way. Youre also right that they dont look at you in the same way. Thats why you should find a stranger--whether it be a therapist or your local bartender and just talk. There are powerful things about the act of speaking that we cant begin to understand. So, find someone, whether its someone you know or a stranger off the streets, and then talk. But the stranger or the friend might not want you talking to them, so, find a *willing* listener. ;)', 'Id love to pick up and chat, but I dont like how my voice gets when I start to feel slightly upset. I like to maintain control over my voice and if I cant talk, then why bother calling?(One of the reasons I like to try and maintain control over my voice is because Im hard of hearing.)', 'I cant do that for you, I dont know you. I *could* help brainstorm and get you started.* Flowers* Witness all the sunsets* Love* Stories you read* Shows you watch* Helping someone who isnt as fortunate as youBasically--create a new sense of purpose in lifeWhatever that purpose is, living for the new sunset and new sunrise, living for the unfortunate people, living for love, or even living for--I dont know--the beautiful grass in your backyard that decorates your garden gnome just so.While you are finding that purpose, you can also find someone to air out your thoughts and feelings. Even if its a stranger. It doesnt matter if all the emotions you have is apathy, how you dont care about the politics of the world, how you dont care about your grades, how you dont care about your performance at work, doesnt matter how pointless or empty. Put all of your thoughts on as many subjects as you can out of your mind and into the open, whether it be here or with someone IRL.', 'I plan to reddit and read and write. Probably do some solo vacationing', 'Im just going to have to keep the friendships superficial, mostly at work. If i get this new job within my company, Im gonna be aloof as the work will be technical in nature. ', 'Im going to write books and get better at coding or improving process flows at work. I love improving processes to get the job done faster. So thats where Im gonna make money while i wait to die.', 'I feel you, bro. Sometimes I just want to stop living my life and do nothing. Does your parents know you are feeling this way? If they call you lazy bum, like my step dad did, tell them that you feel like you have nothing to live for. Or something to that effect. Let them know because they may not know why youre the way youre acting. If they are at least somewhat knowledgable, theyll know what Depression means and try to be more understanding.As for your friends... I dont know--maybe bring someone into your circle of friends and start having some kind of group therapy? I think this would be a great opportunity to create a support group and start talking about your feelings with one another. Start meeting up once or twice a Asthenia if youre a high schooler. Decide on how often you wanna meet.The point here is, start talking to someone. It helps--a lot more than youd ever know.', 'It is hard because it would just make people awkward if i say i dont know whats going on on a daily basis in conversations so i just keep quiet. This however does not happen at work and i love it when i whats going on. Ill miss them when i move on to a better paying job ', 'My friends hasnt sought me out because i dont take the initiative to contact them. Itll be the same with family, eventually theyll stop trying', 'Ive been hanging in there because of love for nearly two decades. I dont want to hang in there anymore. If i must trick myself then yes', 'That first sentence... resonated deeply. I need to think on this a bit.', 'Good question. If it was me (suicdal myself), if I picked up the weapon of choice, Id probably call 911. Thats what I tell myself when asking myself when do I call 911 or go to ER. Ive had Suicidal thoughts over the past 15 years, but I never took "that first step" to picking up the weapon of choice or coming close to the edge of a cliff before I jumped off.But maybe thats the wrong method to use if I need help.If someone else asked me that question, then Id probably say--Only YOUknow how far into your sucidal thoughts you are that warrants calling 911. Maybe youve told yourself that youd call 911 if you started thinking: "what kind of weapons should I use?" Or "I think thats where Ill jump" or "Im selecting tomorrow as the day to die." Or "I think Ill start giving my stuff away before I die."But like the other poster, your thoughts could be one thought too late, or you may have a thousand before you take that first step. In all cases of sucidal thoughts, always find somebody to talk to to air out your mind and get help. Dont wait. ', 'Posted that rely under main user name: Inn Tired of making new friends that Ill end up hurting them. It never fails.Im 28', 'Another thing about therapists, i m too self conscious and focused on trying to say the right stuff. I tried five different people for several seasons, two lasted half a year, and each time Im upright and leave just as unsettled as I entered.Meet ups... blind people dont understand what is like to be deaf, and deaf dont understand what its like to be blind. They get frustrated when communicating with me because of the differences. Since try to learn and do make it work. My bf is totally bind but can hear. Hes the most understanding when it comes to communicating. But Depression.... he didnt have patience, even when I try to explain especially since he knows whats like to be Depression and Suicidal.', 'I... dont know. I never know what I want to talk about when Im like this. My mind is blank, always blank. Nothing. I think about how it would be nice to talk about anything and have them only respond positively and never judge me. I cant afford therapists. I hate being this way because Im deaf and blind and its nearly impossible to be I a social situation.Like today, I learned thata good friend of mine at work is leaving for another job. I would have known this by overhearing conversations.She never told me and full well aware that I cant hear well to overheat conversations naturally.This happened an hour after my bf basically saying that my attitude of apathy made him think, AGAIN, that I dint want to be with him. Thing is, I dont know if I want to be with him.I never really know what I want because Im apathetic 80% of the time, the other times is when I read books, solving problems in coding, and rich climbing. All nothing to do with socializing, and I want friends. ', 'Ill answer the question in its order: I do worry, but a lot less than I used to. It can be rnadom thought at times, but probably tied to the worries I constantly had. As for reliving...1. Was molested as a kid (forced oral both ways with 13 year old male babysitter and my younger brother (he was also forced)2. Was fingered by my older brothers friend in the pool 3. I get a lot of attention from men because of my body, and makes me paranoid4. One ex bf wanted to have sex, and I said no, many times. At that time, I was also extremely suicial. I gave up the fight because I didnt care. I also lied to myself that maybe Ill finally have romantic feelings for him. (I never felt lust or love for him but enjoyed his friendship. You could say hes friendzone-able, but dated because I rather be with a nice guy than with someone who could abuse me.) Later, I felt Pain that he would be so persistent and not listen to what I wanted. I ended the relationship because of that. It was a dark period of Suicidal thoughts when I realized I had actually allowed it to happen.And now... my current bf. I wonder if I actually want him or not. I definitely feel *some* lust. Hes cute, and I love everything about him. But I wonder if Im just mentally raping myself because I dont want sex. I ignore the no in my head because I wanna do it.Im ashamed to not let him know that I actually dont want sex for a long while, at least until marriage. But I gave myself over to sex for the fun of it even though Im not mentally all in. If that makes any sense. I def need to let him know.... But hes gonna be torn up about it. Thus, I dont want to Pain him or anyone. As I said, I have a tendency to Pain people. ', 'Even if you feel this way while with friends, have him come over and hang out for awhile. If you want to bawl your eyes out to him, dont let shame hold you back. I agree with him that you should send a simple text, "I need you, can you come over?" Then say how you feel as you posted here. It might help, especially if it will let him know that youve got these thoughts.Its hard to constantly take care of ourselves, so let others help care for you emotionally by just hanging out. ', 'You should go find someone to talk to, then. It sounds like more than just "have a great life." I too have an awesome life and awesome set of friends and family. Even so, I still feel like whats the point? The point for me to hang on to this world is love.Find someone to talk to.', 'Can you talk to us about it? We can help you find reasons to live. There are many, many reasons! Even if its a silly reason but a reason nonetheless. It also helps to get your thoughts out there, whether on Reddit or talking to someone you know.', 'Theres not much area to hide in. I dont have the guts to camp like that because i dint want to get into terrible and possibly lose my job. Its a protected reserve', 'No there isnt any where else close by that i know about. I should mention that its Tampa. ', 'Thank you so much Zebra, youve helped. Have a good night and talk to you tomorrow.', 'My company does have a nice park in and around the campus.. the only woods they got is five minutes worth of walking, round trip because the tail is a dead end.

Ideation

Ive tried to do work and have sat down and looked at it for hours, but I just cannot find a way to focus and get it done. I want to believe things will get better, but it feels so much like it just wont ever be okay. I would like to go to college but I know I probably wont do so good then either. But thanks for the encouragement. ', 'I really do appreciate your kind words and your understanding, so thank you. The problem though is that my family doesnt necessarily care that I get like this. My mom just expects me to do the work and I get yelled at every single day for failing. Im left alone when I am upset and I just dont really have anyone, except my boyfriend now. I want to fix my mental state, but I dont know how. Ive tried everything from getting fresh air to trying to talk to old friends to just watching a funny movie. It seems as if nothing works though. I feel sad all of the time and Im terrified that if I dont end my life, Ill just be sad for the rest of it. I really want to hope itll be okay though, so I am going to try. Thank you though, I wish more people thought the way you did. ', 'I found that Tired beautiful, and I actually do feel a bit better after reading that, so thank you. I guess I should try therapy again, it does feel good to talk about these Suicidal thoughts, but I usually find it pretty hard to explain in person. I havent been able to talk to anyone in a long time and was just feeling so miserable and down that I made this post out of feeling hopeless. Ive been told many times I am definitely a pessimist and I know that having a more positive outlook on life would help, but I admit Im just incredibly cynical and find it hard to look on the bright side of things. All I see for myself is failure, no matter how hard I try to stop. I will definitely try though. I know its hard, incredibly hard, but I will keep trying to go on. ', 'Its alright, this school year Ive been away from public school since October. I really do hope I snap out of it, its just really hard to be okay. But you could be right, I believe he loves me now at least, and Im lucky to at least have that in my life to look forward to. ', 'Hes eighteen, so hes only two years older. My family knows about him and have met him and hes a Tired nice guy, but I understand why youd think that. Thank you for your concern. ', 'Thats how it was with me before I pretty much gave up. I seemed to be doing alright, but then I kept getting worse and its like the Depression just took over. I was surprised my boyfriend even came into my life, its funny how no one in my school payed attention to me, but someone halfway across the world did. Im sorry to hear that you lost people who were close to you, I definitely know that feeling. All of my friends pretty much abandoned me, so all I really have is my boyfriend. I believe my mother would be hurt. Maybe my sister. I grew up in a pretty messed up home, so other than that I doubt my father or brother would care.

Ideation

Im grateful, and I saw your post just now but figured Id mention it here. Im grateful youll give it another day, truly. Although Id ask you for ten years just as readily. I saw the whole landscape of the reality that pushed her to the edge change in the last decade. I cant say itd have been perfect, but things we thought could never ever happen for us is now a reality... But only for me. ', 'Sometimes when folks feel empty theyll eat more. Sorry youre not feeling well though. Does anyone in your life know you feel this way?', 'Traffic. My best friend stepped into traffic. She had a long struggle herself with addiction. Im still bummed every day shes not here. I wish her kids had gotten to know her. I remember the kid who hit her, in some ugly twist of irony I met him years later. It was a small town. He was absolutely crushed, and he could have died. I hear you, I hear youre in Pain. Addiction can seem like such a black hole and many programs forget to teach people to hope that one day theyd wake up and feel OK, find a new normal. It takes a lot of work and cooperation but its been known to happen. Although it sounds like youre self medicating the Pain.If youre on antidepressants Im assuming you have a doctor. Have you ever looked at other options? ', 'Generally if youd call the insurance company they can give you a list of providers. If youd like to talk to someone, then itd likely be beneficial for you.', 'Thats not how it works, though. Its poisoning. Slow organ failure, Pain stuff. Its ugly. Theres another thread just today from someone who is sitting in a diaper because their overdose made them incontinent. I cant think of a pill that would have you peacefully drift off, or even kill you outright. But, aside from that. Why Tuesday?', 'Being intelligent can be isolating, as you seem to be fully aware. Trouble is, most folks think that theyre more isolated than they truly are while theyre in school, or go off to college in search of other folks who think like them only to discover that college is more about following directions than having one of your own. Trouble is, in looking for someone to talk to about existential crises or the nature of existence or whether or not fish have feelings you miss out on the wisdom everyone has. If you listen closely enough, I feel as though everyone has an experience worth learning from. These big questions, theyre riddles and koans and designed to keep your mind hyperactive. Learn to meditate, allowing thoughts to pass unheeded is great for Anxiety and can slow the spiraling out processes. Do something youre unfamiliar with. Learn art or music or anything you currently dont know how to do, itll challenge your mind and give you a sense of fulfillment. Sometimes being intelligent you miss out on the opportunity to learn how to work hard. When information comes easily it can be difficult to learn the patience necessary to teach yourself new things. In the meantime the internet is full of people that can talk to you about whatever obscure concept may be rattling around in your brain. Wanting not to think, I hear you. But what you have is more gift than curse, ultimately. It just takes a lot of taming, and giving your brain more to do can help. Relaxation techniques and exercise can help to focus your thoughts. ', 'I understand youre scared but there are a lot of factors here. It sounds like youre Anxiety so dont forget to breathe. But whats going on man? Sound like you used a condom and theres steps between a positive pregnancy test and you having a baby so while this is clearly overwhelming, it sounds like youre jumping ahead in the script a bit. Also, and I hope it never gets there, but youre referring to these pills and I cant help but discourage that. Its a Pain way to go and could Tired easily not kill you and damage your organs. So, maybe start thinking about other ways you could avoid an uncomfortable situation? ', 'I did some research. Theres not much available in Colombia, although there are many relief programs from America that are doing work there. I wasnt able to find a phone number for any of them, however. Im wondering if youd be able to call a local number and ask what resources might be available for food, at least. I dont know if you have any space to grow food either. ', 'Stay vigilant, call the crisis line there and ask if there is a mental heath advocacy group you could get in touch with, or a social service that could help you secure proper treatment and housing. Keep looking for assistance until you find some. Im sorry that you reached out and ended up in less capable Weakness of hand then you needed, but I have faith that there are folks who could help if they knew your situation, and you just need to get in contact with them.', 'Thanks man. So, honestly, a family doctor is where youd wanna start. Same folks youd go to for a Influenza or whatever. Tell them about your Stress levels, and they might have a few options for you. If you have insurance and no doctor, take a gander at the back of your insurance card for a number and call them. Doctors are experienced with this stuff, and it sounds like a rather extreme reaction to life Stress, and Anxiety can be treated any number of ways. The rest of it, itll pass. Theres no way to know even if your worst Fear comes about and theres a child that you wouldnt be a kickass Dad with a kid you loved. Nobodys ever ready to be a parent, having a child MAKES you ready and willing to be a parent. Even still, thats pretty unlikely from what youve said so maybe youll have some time to remember to establish better communication with anyone you choose to be sexually active with.', 'Can I ask what country youre residing in? Im sorry for how things are going, your sister may be looking to cope with her own problems, but maybe talk to her and see how she feels. People say things they dont really mean sometimes.Losing a loved one to suicide is Pain, so it sounds like your family is Worried, so they might really care.People rarely annoy us if we dont care about them, wed just ignore it.I dont know what services are available where you live for medical care and money issues, it sounds like theres a lot of Pressure though, maybe theres a local church? Churches can be Tired helpful for those in need and pastors willing to talk. I dont normally advocate this and I dont know what might come of it, but r/assistance might be interested in your story, and may be able to put you in touch with donors who may help with food. Theres no guarantees, and I dont know what youd need to have to receive donations, but its there for a reason. Definitely look to a church or united way or any assistance organizations in your area.', 'Caffeine?? Youll be terrified. Theres no peace in that, just terror and then your heart explodes.', 'Yes, overdosing hurts and makes you Tired Illness. Im glad you at least shared this fact with folks here. Look, this could save your life. This trip could change everything around, just be open, be honest, and see if you cant find a way to a new normal.', 'Stopping any medication on your own without doctors supervision is dangerous. Definitely get in contact with your doctor and see if you can open up lines of communication to look more closely at your options if youre uncomfortable taking that medication. Observations like the one you shared can also be important for your doctor to know how to best help you, in the meantime maybe youd enjoy looking through a philosophy subreddit? It looks like youve got an interesting view on the world and theres a lot of places thats always welcome.', 'And in the future, its not just about having sex with folks you love, that can help for sure. But make sure you have sex with folks you can discuss feelings like this with. If youre not ready to be a father, take extra precautions and only sleep with someone who also doesnt want to have a child. As it stands, thatll be her choice down to the last minute, but opening up that line of communication before you have sex can help save you some Stress. ', 'This sounds a lot like Excessive upper gastrointestinal gas lighting, and as a therapist she should be familiar with the concept. Now, its difficult because Im only hearing one side of this but she certainly shouldnt be diagnosing you without full information.', 'Thats a good start then, if her folks didnt care about you I dont think theyd open their home to you. They might seem detached, but its a big deal to let someone into your home. Sorry about the abusive step dad, that sucks, just be a better dad. Five months along, hope everythings healthy. Im sure your girlfriend cares about the father of her child, but shes likely going through a lot as well right now and it can be hard to express that. I hope you stick around, having a child opens up a whole new world.', 'Heeeyyy? You alive? ', 'Damn. Thats pretty brutal man, Im glad youre in a more stable place now.', 'Sorry youre not feeling well, but I can hear the fight in you. It seems like youve got a lot of heart. Keep up with your therapists, and never be afraid to tell someone when things get grim like that. If it gets real, dont be afraid to take big steps to get the best results. Inpatient stays can be a huge intervention, its designed to turn things around in hopes of finding a new normal. Stay vigilant and youll get through this. ', 'Look, I think we can all agree that the modern school system is not educational. I was bored, beyond bored. But, at your age I started playing music. School was purely, and will remain, ancillary. And thats, totally OK, but aborting your potential is not. I can tell youre bright, and existential crisis and general disillusionment is a pretty common side effect of being pretty damn bright. But youre smart enough to figure out a way to see school as merely a means to an end. If I judged the value of my life by the amount of personal freedom I had I wouldnt be able to do much. I dont have my health, as such I dont have much scratch.But what I do have is a mind to do whatever I feel like doing alongside whatever I need to do to maintain a societal status quo. Learn to play the game, if you learned stocks youll learn this in a hot minute. Itll be worth it. Get in there, kick ass in school, find something outside of school you love doing/researching, and get a scholarship and let them pay you to do whatever you want. Now, at the same time, nobodys saying you have to do any of it. Once youre an adult you can move to a Buddhist temple or live in a grass hut somewhere and never deal with society much at all if you want.Im here to assure you that the construct youre feeling oppressed by is merely that, and many people live outside of that construct. Nobody says you have to work, have to use money, have to get a degree... You dont.But a degree will make it possible to get an easy job, easy money, easy housing... And trust me, you dont want to be hungry. Work with your school, work with your parents. Theyre right, the homeschooling yourself doesnt work, and youd be depriving yourself of the opportunity to take the easiest path through life, and dropping out... If you really want to, I still hope you dont. I feel like finding someone you can talk to would be the best though, someone who can understand where youre coming from, and a PhD in psych tends to be a pretty smart person. This life is only one of hundreds youre gonna have between now and 30, Id rather be 80 than 13 again, honestly, but my perception changed and widened overtime. Im pretty creative and I still couldnt have conceptualized the life Im living now when I was 13. Also, your method... No, just no dude, even just attempting it you could brain damage/paralyze yourself. ', 'That sucks, have you talked to your girlfriend since? She could have been concerned, just wanted to make sure you were looking. Not having your own place can be a bummer so maybe she just was hoping for the best. How far along is she? Does she live with her folks? If you dont mind answering, how old are you?And I hear you, sometimes I feel like folks care but have no idea what to say. It can be an alien state of mind to try and reach out to and many dont feel like its their place.', 'Thats Tired kind of you, and as an American this is a situation Im not too familiar with, its pretty heartbreaking, and youre clearly an incredibly strong person. Really though, Id go check that assistance subreddit I suggested and tell your story. There are generous people there who may be able to help you directly, or get you in touch with local groups. Are there other ways youd be able to work to get money? ', 'Facebook can really be a drag. Its not genuine though, folks present their public faces there and edit it to suit that purpose. Its OK to be antisocial, but it sounds more like you could pare down the friends until youre investing your time in people worthwhile. Fake friends are as draining as enemies because it makes social interactions seem forced. Ive only ever had a few close friends over my lifetime, and I dont regret that, I regret the time I wasted fostering friendships that really werent worthwhile. I realized a little too late though that as uncomfortable I was around people, they generally were equally uncomfortable, so I just tried to learn to put folks as ease and open up more where I could.', 'Hey man, I feel ya. I know a breakup can be rough as hell, and your actions arent too uncommon. Its natural to have a level of insecurity there, and there are a lot of great resources online for breaking that kind of pattern. Your ex may be feeling pretty emotionally Asthenia too right now, but its easier to reconnect with someone after youre feeling better. Its more likely they would talk to you later, if you give them some space, than never talk to you again. But, even if that were the case, youll have the opportunity to forge so many new connections in your life, so the important thing is to learn how to maintain them. Its OK to feel this way, but learning better how to cope with those feelings could take a lot of weight off your shoulders. I used to do the same thing, and would frequently look to my partners to validate me, and supplement my self confidence. It strained my relationships, because theyd feel as though nothing theyd do was enough. Ive also been on the receiving end, and it hurts to feel as though I didnt make someone feel loved enough, and for them to threaten to end a relationship because of it, even when I was doing my best. Communication, and learning how to self validate and be positive about yourself is huge. I dont know you, but Im sure theres something you do well and take pride in, thats a great place to start. As for the Ritalin, that much could lead to a heart attack, but more likely would lead to organ damage. In some cases of organ damage youd become incontinent, and need to wear diapers. So, please dont go. Theres a lot of life left for you, try and see if you can patch up the relationship with yourself, then new relationships can be formed, maybe even a friendship with your ex.The damage you did to your relationship with your friend sounds like it could be helped. Itd take a lot of work, learning to break the pattern and establishing a new friendship with them, but I know that a little bit of progress made a big difference in my experience. It takes practice, but its worth it. Try and empathize with them and know theyre likely not doing anything to be vindictive, merely ruby to protect themselves. Its OK to feel vulnerable. While I have no intention of diagnosing you, and those feelings and actions alone dont mean you are borderline, the actions youre describing are common in those with borderline personality disorder, and there are a lot of online resources for learning to break those kinds of habits if youd search for *borderline personality disorder relationship coping skills*. ', 'Would you, though? Even if, for whatever reason, she decided not to abort, not to put a child up for adoption, would you truly "not take care of" a child? Many folks understand when someone does the best they can, and folks whod give you grief for trying just arent worth it. But besides that, Ive met a few folks who had serious Anxiety every time they had sex, whether they used a condom or not. Thats usually because theyre not aware of just how effective condoms can be. Provided you used it properly, it stayed intact and didnt break, condoms are pretty darn effective. Have you talked to her? Also, youre only giving it a few weeks? Stress, activity, normal fluctuations etc can make a period late, or even cause a missed one or two. It seems to me the problem here isnt so much pregnancy as it is your Stress level about it. Have you ever told a doctor about the panic? ', 'I think sometimes folks have a natural inclination to look at how others lives unfold and think ours should as well. Theres a lot of things considered normal that I may never do or have. According to most, I may never work or go back to school again, and without a job Ill likely never have the money to establish much independence. I havent had what some would consider a normal life for the country I live in, or many of the small privileges its common to take for granted. But Im happy, or at least feel privileged to be able to do what I am able to. Ive focused my life on relationships and never give up on hope that I may be able to live out a few dreams one day. Theres a lot of ways to live. In the meantime, contact local services and try and get some shelter, youll be able to think more clearly then. After that anything youd like to do, with enough planning, you would be able to start working towards. If nothing seems to fit, maybe you could just start driving. Ive met some wonderful people while traveling around and it changed my perspective on what it meant to be a "have not" in a society where much worth is based on the things you have. Youre a worthwhile person, no matter what your limitations or set backs may be and no matter what other folks may think of you. You still have kindness to offer so long as you draw breath.', 'Youre reaching out though and that takes courage. Even if its just explaining your reality, youre getting somewhere. What direction would you most prefer to go from here? How was your afternoon?', 'You alright man? Its just that its not a decision I want to make, and its not a solution I want to consider as my only possibility. There have been times it seemed that way, Im fortunate now to look back on it as a mistake. I understand many dont get to that point. But if I stopped looking for other options Id never find them. So its more thought experiment than anything. Even if I dont believe its not the answer, I look for others. I cant speak from anything but personal experience and others arent me. Thats just how Ive survived, and I hope that folks who post on here are, even a little bit, hoping to survive.', 'I dont believe anyones inherently evil, and mental Illness isnt necessarily something wrong, but something different, with whole fields of study and professional resources available. Sometimes folks just learn ways to cope with Pain that cause more Pain, and its important to look closely at those behaviors and replace them with better ones. Pain is something everyone has to learn to deal with at some point. Dont allow things to escalate further, Im glad youre considering professional help. One thing I know off the top of my head is that Emotional upset Pain, compulsive behavior (like wanting to talk to someone when youre going through a breakup and trying not to) is easily confused with feelings of anger, hunger, loneliness, sleepiness, and needing to use the bathroom. All those situations can cause Anxiety and Depression without us even knowing thats whats actually wrong. Also, keeping a journal can help you recognize patterns and triggers for different behaviors and negative coping skills. Meditation, light exercise, and any kind of artistic expression can help a lot and greatly reduce Stress. Keeping your blood sugar regulated can be huge as well. Its important when youre going through a hard time to try and do what you can treat your body well. Best of luck', 'Hey, how was your day? Are you alright? I know that hospitals can be pretty bad sometimes but there are some great mental health professionals out there. And please, dont take a bunch of meds at once. Theres a real potential for organ damage and death, but its more likely youd survive but have health complications after that.', 'Nah man, its up to you to handle your own stuff. Its just good of you to think of others. The folks at the hospital are going to try and keep you healthy. Even if it seems harsh or Common cold and clinical if what you need is a hug, they might have best intentions in mind. Im glad you have access to the internet, many end up cut off from all communication. Can I ask why you dont feel like eating though?', 'Oh man, feels. Have you talked to them recently? I guess you dont think yall would get back together eventually?', 'Ugh that hit me straight in the gut. I had an ex get together with a mutual friend as well... But we eventually did get back together. Thats all a matter of circumstance and stuff. Still though, do you think reaching out to them would help?', 'Yeah man, instruments are self taught, self expression tools and they can take you places youd never think youd go normally. Especially since you linked the Wall in the OP.', 'Hard to say if it would apply to your situation, but Ive know some professors to be pretty understanding about mental health stuff. One extended due dates, etc. But aside from that, even if you didnt do as well as youd like to on your finals this semester, youd be able to pull your grades up in the future, and Ive had experiences where Ive been able to explain dips in my grades personally on applications etc, and found there are many understanding folks out there. I dont know if youre in treatment, or if anyone knows youre having a difficult time, but if you ever chose to see a doctor most schools have programs to make allowances (forgiveness for missed classes, extended due dates), for those with mental health concerns. Its something I wish had existed when I was in school and Ive seen it take a lot of Stress out the equation for some. ', '... Ugly bit of business. My best friend killed themselves a few years back. Honestly, if youre in a position where your friend expresses a plan to kill themselves, dont take it upon yourself to decide whether or not theyre serious. The most direct form of intervention is generally an involuntary committal. If its ever necessary, and its a matter of life and death, youre able to intervene at that level. I know that when it came to my friend I would have done whatever I could to prevent their death, even if they hated me for it at the time, even if they thought the hospital would do more harm than good it interrupts the downward spiral and puts them in contact with professionals who can help. Other than that, just be a good friend. Theres nothing you can really do.', 'Sorry about that, I didnt mean to imply the drugs themselves were responsible. Im sure with many its just a chicken and egg scenario, the Pain is there, drugs dull the Pain for them but sometimes just enough to not have to deal with the original problem. Sorting out the Pain that started it all can be a seriously crazy puzzle though. What would you like to be doing right now though, other than getting smacked out of your mind?', 'It takes a lot of strength to reach out though. How was your day today?', 'Hard to say really. If mental Illness is caused by a chemical imbalance itd be on par with altered states from other chemicals, (drinking, illicit drugs, etc.), its certainly not a state one should be making life ending decisions in. Now, not all suicides are caused by mental Illness, and Im not certain all mental Illness is caused by chemical imbalance. But, if mental illnesses is a disease is should be treated as one. ', 'Have you talked to a doctor about options for withdrawal meds? Could make it possible to keep working, no detox required for many of them. Its a possibility and Ive known some folks who were in a similar situation and had success that way.', 'It sounds like it must be Tired difficult for you. It seems like youre disappointed with the situation. Do you see any possibilities that could help things settle into a new normal over time?', 'It sounds like theres a husband and family who cares about you, a home, and a fair bit to be grateful for so focusing on that probably can help when youre down. But in periods of upheaval its definitely good to check in with your doctor and friends to see what options and solutions you can come up with, and to take some of the power away from the things you cant create solutions for.', 'Yeah theres definitely a lot to consider there. Treatment isnt confined to pills alone, youre right. But at any rate, theres answers other than suicide. Perhaps suicide itself isnt a just product of faulty signals in the brain, but its also not a solution. I dont blame those overtaken by the urges, but I do wish Suicidal tendencies were treated as the life threatening issues they are and treatment, whatever form that may take, made available with the same standard of care there is for physical diseases. More research needs to be done, but I dont see suicide as a decision, I see it as a symptom of an overarching concern that has many complex components.', 'Ya know, George RR. Martin said the winds of winter would come out before the next TV season, so you should totally stick around.', 'Theres a lot of truth here and its kind of you to voice it publicly in a place where so many feel as though nobody cares. Just be mindful of the Emotional upset load you carry with you, take care of yourself and make sure you dont take on more than you can healthily.', 'I guess nobody can answer that but yourself in the end. Are you by yourself right now? ', 'Im thankful enough to not be struggling at the moment, I lost a friend to suicide and like to listen if folks need to talk.', 'I hear ya. Did anything specifically make that feeling more pronounced to you lately? And youre in school? Thats pretty cool. What are you going to school for?', 'Im sorry to hear that. Its good you said something though. Im pretty Worried about you taking 20 pills though man it sounds gruesome.', 'Theres a thread a few posts down of folks relating their experiences of losing a loved one to suicide Id encourage you to check out.', 'No problem. And no matter what Im excited for you. Even if the unthinkable happens and theres no gf or child in your imminent future, you have health and youth and time on your side right now and where there is life there is hope. This experience will give you the compassion to be there for someone else when they feel like nobody cares. ', 'I feel ya. Its good that youve reached out though. Some folks dont know what to say, Im not sure anyone really does but at least they know. Have you considered looking into treatment options?', 'Do you have any personal philosophy? Faith? For many, thats where theyll derive their motivation. I dont base the value of my life on college or a job. I see myself as part of a greater whole. The part I play is small, but all great systems are built upon smaller parts. And humans can feel, humans have this incredible range of emotion and experience to add to the universe and relate to one another. It ultimately wont matter what you do, focus on who you are. People will remember kindness over cruelty, courage over bravery, compassion over clout. Focus on the small details. Nature doesnt strive, it simply thrives. Find a niche where you can do the same. ', 'Id go to the hospital for a broken leg or an infection. Treatment is treatment and if youre Depression its a step in the right direction. Have you weighed your options there? Treatment isnt compulsory, doctors work alongside you to try and find the best fit. There isnt a cure for Depression, but there are ways to manage it and letting someone know can open you up to the resources available. ', 'Its really important that you both get professional help (if you believe youre a danger to yourself). You cant stop someone from killing themselves, and what youre experiencing sounds like it is Emotional upset blackmail, she may be in Pain, and its good that youre compassionate, but you have to take care of yourself and protect yourself. Things can escalate Tired quickly in situations, when someone uses threats to provoke action on anothers part, they tend to do more and more extreme things until they get what they want. As long as you keep responding to the threat yourself, without getting a professional who can actually help involved youre hurting yourself and it will prolong the time before there is adequate care for the condition. If she threatens suicide, please call either her parents, or yours, and your local crisis hotline. It can not be up to you to determine whether or not shes serious. I really wish you the best, please get yourself out of the abusive situation. Youll be able to resume a relationship if things get better later, but right now its really important for both of your sakes that you tell someone immediately. Id even suggest cutting off contact for a while after getting her in touch with the help she needs. This kind of behavior needs privacy to escalate, when others get involved the chances are better of everyone coming out OK. If you need any help dont hesitate to PM me, Ive gone through situations like this before, and there are no appropriate half measures here. Reassurance only goes so far, and the threats only get worse. Its extremely unlikely that theyd calm down on their own. I dont doubt you care Tired much for one another, but this kind of behavior is destructive for everyone involved and poison to a relationship.', 'Who do you think will find you later then? You said youre psychotic about your ex? Breakups are shitty, for sure. ', 'I tend not to bring it up. I dont mean to guilt trip or devalue others Pain, but this is my truth. I imagine she thought I didnt care as well, no call, no outreach. But, here I am. Ya know? In Pain those who would try and reach us fade into those dark shadows. It doesnt mean theyre not there.', 'That stuff can certainly suck the color out of the world. Valium is pretty insidious. Starts out being an emergency parachute, eventually it feels like a lifeline. When I came off of it, I felt like I was seeing the world in color for the first time. I understand antidepressants being difficult to figure out, but if youre Depression the doctor might have other options.Oh, and Happy Birthday! Sorry I didnt add that earlier.', 'To be honest if you havent already accrued college debt thats fantastic, youre way ahead of the game. Talk to your folks and your professor to see what youre able to do, and a college advisor. Theyd likely have more options available. Its easy for Stress to obscure options available.', 'Its important for a psych doc to have a lot of information before a diagnosis can be made, and self diagnosis is generally not a great idea, but the resources are all about building good coping skills, and that can benefit anyone.', 'Theres nothing else like it. Its a constant Illness feeling that I could have and should have done something to prevent it. Even when I say I dont feel the guilt, that I know its not my fault its still there. I often wish theyd been open to treatment, gone through some until they found something that worked. Angry that the system in place scares so many away, kills as many as it helps with that. Constant survivors guilt for living with an Illness that claimed them, through life circumstances that destroyed them. Retroactive helplessness when I hear her pleas repeated over and over by new voices with new stories. Hope that in her last moments she didnt regret it, because it was Pain. And I pass the spot her body laid broken every time I go home. Id encourage folks to think better of it. Its been nearly a decade now, Ive grown older than she ever will. I just hope she cant see how foolish she was, ultimately. Things would have been OK if shed held on a bit longer, without question.', 'Youre certainly not ugly but it might be of some use to stop thinking of people as levels of attractiveness. Personality makes a huge difference, and its likely that the people you attract are not a reflection of your physical self, but who you draw to you with your personality. Dont be too hard on yourself and try not to be so har

Indicator

Its never worth it to go through with it. But, If you really feel that way you should go do something exciting; something youve always wanted to do. One day you will pass on, but why today? Why not throw caution into the Flatulence/wind and do whatever makes you happy, even if it is short lived. I do hope you reconsider it all together but, if you dont know this. There are people that do care about you and will mourn your decision to end it all, things always get better, it is just how you look at it.', 'It is your decision, but, if you think no one cares you are wrong, because I care and so does everyone else who has posted. Sleep on it, just take your time to reconsider!', 'I can understand that, I have had many of nights planning my death. I never went through with it knowing the Fear of the unknown, god, or no god. I felt an immense amount of guilt with a way out mere inches away from me, knowing how my family would react to my death, or worse finding my body. I could never put them through that. I went to consoling and talked it out with them and my family. It helped me readjust my perspective.', 'If that is how you feel, I feel sorry for you. Maybe we will meet on the other side, god bless.', 'I too am in a similar situation, but you are in a better position then me because you hold a degree. I think you need to make a change in careers and aspire to do what makes you happy. As for a date, maybe you will find one online or in a new job. You could find love in unexpected places but you are not going to find them in your house or in your head. Go with the flow its helped me work though my self-esteem problems; they were always a problem for me.

Ideation

Thank you for your words its really heartwarming. I usually care about others more than about myself. Ita a part of why I find it so hard to continue for myself. I hope Ill find someone who care about me for myself.', 'I am starting to consider my therapist as a friend. I know she isnt really but she seem to genuinely care about me. I know when the appointments are over I will be loosing her but for now it feel kinda good to have a "friend". I am afraid of loosing her but I know its coming. I might try to hit the park a few times this Asthenia take in some suns and try to meet others. I know the parc isnalways full and only a few blocks from my house. I hope it help.', 'Money at least made me feel like I had friends. Now I feel alone. I cant volunteer. I used to but my health wont let me. I cry to often to realy be able to go outside or to make a lot of contacts with others. I tend to hyperventilate when I am too Stress or sad. Thats why I tried to make internet friends. It worked as long as I had money.', 'I guess because I can be discarded by others when I have nothing to offer. I realised that most people use me, so if I have nothing to offer I am suddenly alone and it Pain. Its so Pain to realised that when you have served your use, you no longer have anyone near you. Even with that I know that the next time they ask I will still be there because I want to help.My real life friend only answer when he need a place to stay, a ride or something lile that. I am renowned for not saying no because even if it Pain me to know they are using me, the fact that I can help is important to me.When I get left behind, like I am currently, I am alone. Its so hard realising it and knowing I will be atuck in the same loop over and over and that no one really care about me.

Ideation

All of what you are describing are short term problems. Talk to me, I would love to help you where you want me to.', 'Ive already started ', 'No you shouldnt be doing that :/ Is there any way you can get away from the party? Maybe go talk with someone? Call a hotline?', 'long distance is a tough thing man, I know first hand. Has she given reasons why she is doubting the relationship or failing to see a future? What is it that makes her feel that way cause it certainly isnt anything you are doing. ', 'I have talked to my dad, yeah.. Does nothing. S/o- I dont tell him about my Depression as well, we barely talk or hang so by the time we do I feel better.... maybe I feel better being with him. It just... sucks being Pain. Oh one thing I left off- sexually assaulted this summer. ', 'I also suffer from social Anxiety and understand where you are coming from about not leaving the house. I only leave my apartment if I am going to work, that is it. The math thing, I would be more than happy to try and work with you if you are wanting help to learn how to :) Love history and can totally teach you whatever you want to know :)Im not going to lie to you because I dont lie. Just because you have social Anxiety, struggle with some subjects/concepts, and view yourself as unattractive does not mean you are not still a human being. You should keep living, never give up. ', 'Sounds like your friends are assholes. Youre better than they are. Make new friends! You can do it!', 'Just breathe, if you want help studying I would be more than willing to help', 'Tried the therapy thing... didnt help. I have an appointment with the Dr. mid month this month... ill see... right now I am fighting the urge more than anything to cut', 'Never hurts to try. Some people need both, some people just need a med, some just need someone to talk to. It really is hard to tell. Maybe do like I did and go see your regular Dr. and see what he/she thinks :)', 'I try to.. I just cant sometimes. I carry a gun everywhere because I am that scared.', 'I am always willing to talk... I also suffer from Depression and just had my med changed. Feel free to reach out to me', 'I think talking to those you seek help from would be a good start, but I see you said you cant afford it. Im sorry that your parents are also not supportive, but why not seek your friends help? I went to a few of them and explained to them what is going on and they were willing to listen. Sometimes being there for said friend that is also not feeling the best, will help you build a stronger friendship where you are each others support. Can I ask, how do you Pain yourself? ', 'This isnt about me buddy :)', 'We shall see what it does... Ive been on the current med for 1 year... ', 'Sometimes relationships like this are best fitted for times dedicated to you guys hanging out. Granted I dont know how often you guys actually hang out, but why not set a date like on Fridays to Skype or have a long phone conversation. Watch the same movie and talk to each other about it. ', 'That makes sense honestly. ', 'Well talk to us :) We care and want you to know that!', 'Where to begin.Compared to my brother, my mom blames me for everything... keep in mind- im in college and almost done, he is a felon that does nothing with his life... but I guess where the heart is for her. My dad honestly just doesnt seem to care to step in and tell her to knock it off.Relationships: I have been with 5 guys total and always get Pain. Current bf never talks to me, I maybe see him every 2-3 weeks. He reads my messages but never responds so yet again, proving that dating... I am worthless.School is the only thing I have going for me, but even with a year left... I am just done.Work is the same worthless feeling... I do so much but nothing gets seen or appreciated so I feel worthless. I have bipolar Depression and GAD... I cut myself already.... summed up version I guess.', 'There are other things as well that a friend sent me... I think one of them was drawing on your wrist making it look like you were bleeding, then pouring like warm water that is colored like blood over it to make it look and feel as though you are bleeding. ', 'It does take a lot to stop. With the cutting, I put it in a container, filled it with water and put it in the freezer- that way, if I get the urge to cut, I have to wait for it to thaw out. ', 'With pills... it really is a try until it works. I was put on Celexa, worked fine for a bit and then I started cutting. Then my Dr. put me on a trial med and it worked, but was so expensive that I did my research and found something similar that had a generic. While you may not have the money to seek professional help, does your school offer counseling services to students? If so, start with them. Just explain that you want to talk and see what they have to say.You are a good person; dont let your parents bring your mood down. You got this. You are strong. I am here to help any way that I can because I know what it is like to not have someone to talk to. ', 'Most run away from it though... and I do talk to my dad... he was the person I asked if I should get on a pill for it or not', 'Be proud you are continuing school, even if it is community college. You are bettering yourself either way! Responsibility of adulthood is tough, I had the same feelings you do right now when I graduated college, but it gets better. Im starting my last year of college, am already in a management role at my work and have been tapped by other managers to succeed an open position higher up in leadership (pending interview), and I love the people I surround myself with. Sure times will seem tough and you will ask yourself why am I doing this or can I do this, but I assure you, you can do anything if you stay determined and positive. :)', 'Ill try.', 'Well in the end you should study what you want to study! My dad wanted me to be a Dr., I attempted to do nursing school and once I was actually in that program I got so Stress that I resigned. I went for what I wanted and now I am happy in that aspect- so go for what interests YOU, not THEM. Communicating via on here or on any website isnt wrong or anything. I think a lot of us dont like to talk to actual people in life (I have bi polar Depression and GAD, so.. .I actually avoid people like the plague with the exception of work and school. Are you currently taking any medications to help?', 'Hey man Im here to listen if you ever want to talk. There is nothing wrong with taking a medication or talking about what is bothering you in order to function normally. ', 'Would be more than willing to talk to you :)School is certainly a tough thing. Honestly, I sought help with my Depression and Anxiety from my Dr. because it was getting worse each year. I think the Stress for success comes from the major itself, can you tell me what it is you are going to school for? Have you considered changing majors to something to see if that makes it better? ', 'I understand :/ I also hate social situations and struggle with making friends. An example of me is like the kid from Perks of Being a Wall Flower... Im just in the background and if by some chance someone wants to be friends, ok ill try but am hesitant. ', 'PM me and lets get a conversation going! You can tell me about your hobbies, favorite books, movies, music, etc. :) I know the feeling man-- I get this way to because I am often just shuffled aside and no one really talks to me ', 'Grades arent everything. I struggled with my grades, mainly because I was more focused on friends and video games. Once I focused more, studied more etc., I did better. Do you have distractions in your life that are impacting your schooling? Have you reached out to a school resource like a learning center or tutor to get help?You are still young and as you said have a ton of potential still so dont give up bud! You can do whatever you want in life if you set your mind to it. If you ever want to talk you can certainly PM me and ill talk to you. ', 'This. Some of the smartest and well-off people didnt do well in school. ', 'Always willing to listen and help when needed. ', 'Well I can tell you man that since I started my medication (which treats both my Depression and Anxiety with just one pill), my mood has improved. Some people do need both. Have you talked to your Dr. about this before?', 'I have told him about it. He said he is ok with it and understands the whole Depression thing. It is tough for me to let people in to where I know I wont get physically/emotionally Pain. The assault was my fault- I was black out drunk and had it coming. I didnt tell anyone but by parents and maybe my best friend. I didnt call the police either. Instead, I went and bought a gun because I am so scared to even leave my house.', 'Sometimes though the breaks are a good thing', 'While your story is no different than what a lot of people, who you are as a human being is still the best thing out there. You cant stick to the shit parts of your life, try to move on. VA lines no shock to me that they arent a help given what we see in the news about the VA-- with that said, I would highly recommend trying another hotline that will better assist you man', 'Ive tried that though... Ive tried to force myself into crowds or find a place I feel safe... nothing works. I have been open with people, but at the same time I look at it as... I work to escape from my problems and go to school as well. No one wants to date me as a result... My family aside from my dad hates me.... I just dont know. ', 'Always here to listen, just PM me. I was the same way. I went and talked to my Dr. and she started an anti depressant. Here is the thing.... you may have to have a higher dose, or a different med. I had to get my dosage higher and now it is working fine.', 'What makes you worry about meeting up with said friends? Why are you struggling with school? I dont think suicide is the answer buddy. I think talking is what is best :) Grades dont define a person. You define yourself. What is it you are specifically afraid to tell your parents? It seems from what I could guess they already know about the grades and thus blocked all forms of communication. Talk to me :) Id love to help as I have been down this same road ', 'Well that is a good thing :) Cutting is a hard habit to break, I used to do it a lot ', 'Basing it off the TL;DR as it is a long post.do you suffer from PTSD perhaps from the abusive father aspect of your life? How long were you and the bf together before breaking up? What are you doing to treat your Depression? Look at the positives: you seem like a Tired, Tired awesome guy given the shit you have been through. You are going to school, what do you want to be? What are some of your goals in life? Dont think about killing yourself because that isnt the solution. ', 'If film is what you enjoy, go for it! :) The sky is your limit. When you create a movie, be it Oscar winning or straight-to-DVD film, I want to know the title because I am sure it will be great!', 'Could be you didnt study the right way :) Things change through college so dont give up! I thought I wouldnt make it after I resigned from Nursing School... but then I changed majors and now I am on my last year. ', 'omg same here', 'Hey man I havent been on in awhile. How are things going?', 'Though it may be tough if you breakup, focus on school :) Relationships can be fixed. As I have experienced this with my boyfriend, well now ex, is the relationship on the rocks because youre busy with school?

Behavior

Dude. Dont do this. You wont be called brave or bold. You will just become the guy who killed himself. A no body. Live through it. Buck up. If I see it on the news. When I die Ill kick your ass in heaven or whever we go.

Supportive

I agree, the suicide hotline fucking sucks. Im sorry for your experience, that was all Tired unnecessary and it intervened with your life. That truly sucks.', 'If I were you I would attempt to visit with her as soon as possible. ', 'Ive asked for input because I have also experienced this.I have been Depression for as far back as I can remember. I have called suicide hotline plenty of times and landed myself in the hospital on four separate occasions over wanting to kill myself. I have seen numerous psychologists, psychiatrists, and counselors and I still have never found any proper support. A year ago my best friend decided to take 30 of her prescription pills in an attempt to kill herself and she ended up in the ICU for days on end, completely out of consciousness, having thousands of seizures being in the hospital for a week. After all of this occurred her own family wouldnt even show up to the hospital to show her any sort of support. In fact, they would call her yelling at her about her suicide attempt and she claims that they were upset that they would have to pay off all of her student loans for her if she were to have died. They still call her every so often to basically tell her that she needs to help them pay off bills, although she is an adult and has not lived with her parents for the past four years.None of our "friends" were Tired supportive through either of our Suicidal ideation. All a person needs when they feel this way is compassion and understanding, but Im starting to believe that there is absolutely no love left in this world.', 'I am so Tired sorry for your loss and I can only imagine what it must be like. You can still talk with your dad and let him know how you feel. His energy is still somewhere out there in the universe and someway your message will be received. You might even get some sort of response to let you know hes still with you. But what you need to ultimately do is forgive him for his decision. It might take time to do so, but it will help you tremendously. ', 'I am also 22 and have experienced the same feelings, although I reject medication and I have never had a good psychologist or psychiatrist. You are not wrong to feel the way that you do, but you might want to re-evaluate what the core reasons are for why you do feel that way. Such examples would be: Were you abused as a child? Did something traumatic happen to you? Or is it just your brain chemistry? Reaching the root of the issue will help first off.I would highly suggest learning more about spirituality, it has helped me tremendously. Develop your own understanding of life and the universe as a whole. Start out with learning about philosophy, then science, then maybe learn a bit about metaphysics. Watch something like the new cosmos series, its beautifully fascinating and it will leave you inspired. You will probably find that yoga and meditation will help quite a bit. Also listen to calming music to assist you when you start off learning about these things. If you have trouble with meditating, see if there is a sensory depravation chamber spa in the area and set up an appointment. If you continue to stay curious and wanting to gain as much knowledge as you can in this life, I believe that will distract you quite a bit from being depressed. That is what keeps me going, at least.

Behavior

Thank you so much for this.', 'I dont know what to say. I dont even know how to feel or if my emotions are justified. I know that my dad has a right to be frustrated with me. After I lost my job, the bills started to pill on and now theyre hovering over my head like a storm cloud.But its not the fact that Ive lost my job and have no room to my own thats bothering me right now. Its the hurtful things he said to me this morning.Now Im too Anxiety to sleep, I feel worse about myself than I have in the past few weeks. The last time my father hugged me or showed any visible/palpable affection towards me was when I graduated high school five years ago. I had to graduate for him to tell me he was proud of me and that he loved me.Most of the time its static apathy or blatant resentment. There is no warmth there. Im always on eggshells around him. Which hurts even worse because I used to be a real daddys girl. We used to be close, when I was a child and things werent so complicated.Things between us fragmented over the years and I can count the amounts of affection Ive had that are the most memorable.High school graduation being the most recent, the one before that was when I had a panic attack in the car when my brothers and my parents were in it. (I was around 15-16 years old) and I said that if my brothers werent in the car I would have crashed it... I was followed around the house by both of my parents while I looked for something to Pain myself. Finally got a hug and an I love you from him, then... It makes me wonder what measures I have to take to get that sort of attention... Ive been sitting here looking at my own bloodshot eyes in the mirror and wondering if I tried to OD if my dad would be there in the hospital when I woke up. It makes me wonder if hed tell me he loved me. Whats worse is that I dont know if I would believe him at this point.I dont want to die.But I dont want to be around right now, if that makes sense...The closest thing to what I want would be a coma... Somewhere in limbo where my brain can shut down for a while and the world could stop turning in my mind for a second...Im scared. Im sad. And I argue with myself over how pathetic it is to fixate myself on one emotion for hours on end instead of doing something about it.But its a lot like being stuck with your back against a wall, bracing yourself for the impact of an oncoming tidal wave. You want to get out, and you know that when it hits you- youre going to have to fight the tide but at this point Im unsure of just how much strength I have left to try and get myself to the surface when it collides...All I can do is cry. I know it will pass but right now Im just terrified and at a loss.

Behavior

Its also stupid reading all the people who think its stupid. It just confirms it for me in a broad spectrum type of way, that, yeah, its stupid...And?The world is a blank canvas and it literally is what you make it. Thats what that shit is a cliche because it is 100% true. ', 'There are so many reasons why he wouldnt want to let people know. Your mind could go off in so many tangents trying to figure it out, but the most disturbing thing is that youll never know. The thing that should bring peace though is that hell never have to deal with what was bothering him now.', 'Ive grown to accept that Im just an asshole and I take criticisms like water off a ducks back, then just do things the way I would normally do them.Someone confronts me, I apologize and move on. Ive just accepted that I have to bend over backwards sometimes just to kiss someones ass. Thats just the way the world works, man.', 'Jiu Jitsu, listen to Joe Rogans podcast. He goes off about it. Get that Aggression out and if you get good, you walk around so peaceful and nice because you know that at any given moment, you could choke anyone who you want to unconscious. Thats the name of the Jiu Jitsu game. Its a huge ego booster for those that have none. ', 'Maybe consider a job in sales. I dont know, I dont claim to have the answer to end your sorrow, Im sorry. ', 'Bullys can fuck themselves. They cant affect me. Thats my standpoint on it now. I havent been bullied since I stopped playing the victim. I have been degraded by people though, but it didnt get to me. I weighed the value of their opinion. The one who insulted me is going nowhere in their future so that was my instant karma and I felt better.', 'I went to one trial class that my friend gave me coupon for, dude and just from that, I met like 4 awesome, energized, friendly people who treated me like we were bros for months already. That was back when I was Suicidal. I would go back in a second but I cant afford the $140/month fee though...But since then Ive developed this attitude that everything in my world I can control and change in a matter of minutes if I needed to and the past, the past is behind me and never coming back.And girls get hired SO MUCH faster than guys, you dont even know. You dont even need to be attractive. ', 'I have had Suicidal thoughts in the past, and have justified it in my mind. The Suicidal person doesnt feel bad for the people he is hurting. He thinks that maybe now, finally, he will get the attention he has thought he has always deserved in death. I just wanted to clear this up for people who think people who commit suicide are selfish (they may or may not be. My point, is the Suicidal person has it justified in their mind). ', 'Where do you live? Im in California.

Ideation

I checked myself into a VA hospital for three months last year. It was awesome.', 'Yeah its quite a bit. It sounds like a terrible way to go though, I have a friend who tried it and said it sucked. Im pretty sure it takes quite a while, my friend took an entire bottle of pills, among other things, and then Vomiting blood allover his apartment before falling into a coma, he wasnt found for like half a day, and hes fine now. ', 'Drowning would be Tired unpleasant.', 'Well now I wish that I hadnt replied here. How long have you been planning this?', 'Like I said Im no doctor, just giving the best advice I can with the information I have.', 'Are you service connected? Have you gotten in touch with the homeless vets coordinator in your area? ', 'Unless you live in a country with radically different laws than the US, debt cant be passed on when you die. Your creditors have the right to liquidate your assets, but they cant try to collect from family members or next of kin or anything.', 'Okay, I strongly suggest that you find a psychiatrist, you need an expert in mental health not a general practitioner. What is it that you feel you have to hide? How old are you? As for the asshole at school, could you tell me a little more about the situation?', 'Ok, now see all that crap on your floor? It doesnt belong there.', 'Yeah same here.', 'Im not a doctor but you should be fine. Drink water.', 'I made a post about it in /r/depression the other day, it may be my next step.', 'Well the *entire* world cant loathe your existence, because I certainly dont. ', 'Well after a couple of failed suicide attempts and a few OWIs I ended up stuck in jail because I didnt have anyone left who would bail me out. I came off booze and benzos and all my psyche meds at once and started hallucinating in gen pop and got thrown in solitary. Eventually I got out and I went straight to St. Cloud, MN, where theres a VA hospital that has a big substance abuse and PTSD treatment center, and spent three months in there.', 'The VA has a really good dual diagnosis center in St Cloud, MN. I went there for substance abuse and PTSD. I had lost my job and apartment and pretty much everything else so I checked myself in. I spent the time there doing group therapy, individual therapy, learning different coping techniques, and getting my meds sorted out. It saved my life, I would be dead by now if I hadnt gone, Im in a much better place than I was a year ago, its like night and day.', 'Im not quite understanding your hiding situation. Ive got a whole mess of crazy in me, and Ive found that when Im out in the open about it I find people who understand me and are willing to love me as I am.High school sucks man, there isnt any way to sugar coat it. It does get better though. Ive found the best way to deal with assholes like that is to ignore them completely. Dont acknowledge them when they talk, dont look at them, completely fucking shun them like the Amish. It wont take long for them to get bored and find someone else to torment. You could also go to the guidance counselor at your school and tell them about it, a lot of schools take bullying Tired Tired seriously these days.Do you care to elaborate more on your mental health issues? Ive pretty much seen it all.', 'Well Ive been sober for 10 months now, looking back I have no idea how I kept it up for so long. It started out when I came back from Afghanistan, I couldnt sleep without having night terrors, so I started drinking at taking benzos to sleep every night. It just kinda spiraled down from there up until I detoxed in solitary confinement in jail, and then spent three months in rehab doing rehab stuff.', 'I guaranty your family would not recover like you think man.', 'Hey J, Im a vet too. I spent some time in the VA a few months ago for ptsd/substance abuse. Shits tough man. Its a good day when I can make myself leave my house. whats going on?', 'Whoever youre seeing will steer the conversation, you dont really have to worry about it. The most important thing is to be honest with them, and make sure you find someone who you feel comfortable with. ', 'Make yourself throw up or go to the ER. ', 'Have her committed.', 'No need to apologize. Violence wont solve any of the problems that ineedareason is having, chances are it will make them worse. Violence is never the answer, inflicting harm to another human being is a terrible thing.', 'Im no doctor, but giving adderall to someone with Anxiety issues seems counter-intuitive. I think you should really talk to your psychiatrist about the meds youre taking.You dont have to hide who you are or how you feel from anyone, the people who truly matter will accept you as you. ', 'Why are you paying off all your debts if youre just going to kill yourself?', 'make your bed.', 'I know it seems like it will take forever but things really do get better. Once I was out of the house everything changed. Dont leave us.', 'Have you gotten in touch with any support groups through the VA? I go to one and its Tired cathartic. Yeah its really hard to reach out, all I want to do is stay in bed under the covers all day and shit.Yeah I lost my job a while ago, before I spent the time in the hospital. Now my doctor is saying I shouldnt work right now. When did you get out?', 'Tried this; didnt work.', 'I know its hard, the only reason I havent killed myself is because I know how much it would Pain my mom. Its a shitty reason, but its a reason I guess.Edit: plus dude you gotta take care of Godzilla.', 'Yeah debts cant be inherited there either as long as the person doesnt have any stake in them, like their names isnt on the card or they havent cosigned for a loan or whatever.', 'Violence is not the answer here.', 'Suicide in the family is something that never goes away. Every holiday, birthday, family gathering is tainted.I dont know man. The only thing that keeps me going is not wanting to Pain my mom.', 'It can take a really long time, I was pretty much continuously drunk for about two years and it didnt kill me. Im talking being drunk all day every day of the Asthenia, while working 50 hours a Asthenia and getting about 2 hours of "sleep" a night.', 'Well the VA will give you all the psyche shit you could ever need, and for free. You need to apply for service connection for all of you conditions, that way you can get treatment for them for the rest of your life. Also they give you money. But yeah man, go for the medical discharge, from what it sounds like, you should be able to get one.', 'Yeah I totally understand. Get all those plates/cups off your bedside table.', 'Youre stronger than this. Feeling this way is normal, when things like this happen its normal to have a period of mourning. If you ride it out I promise things will get better.', 'I dont think about suicide as much and its harder to get boners.', 'Ive been clean and doing well since spending three months in inpatient two years ago.', 'First of all, its considered polite to note that you have edited a post when you do so.Picking a fight is *absolutely* not a good idea. I cannot Stress this enough, there is absolutely nothing that it will solve.Correct me if Im wrong, but English doesnt appear to be your first language, Im interest to know where youre from, because I think there is a major cultural difference going on here. Fighting is definitely not an accepted cultural norm in the US where I live.Boys fighting is most certainly not healthy, the whole "boys will be boys" attitude had caused *so* many problems, and its great thing that it is slowly going away.', 'Thanks so much for your response. Ive been doing a bit of research on it myself and it seems like people are Tired polarized about it. Its something that he wants to consider because we are running out of other options, medications dont seem to do anything.How did losing that much time affect your life? Thats what worries me, even though there really isnt that much for me to lose, its kinda all Ive got. But on the other hand I hate being myself so maybe it would be nice if all of it was wiped away.Did you notice any cognitive effects? Or did other people notice a difference in you?', 'Fuck yea! Fuck those mother fuckers!', 'Have you talked to your therapist or psychiatrist about this? Have you tried other medications? I used to feel Tired similar to how youre describing and it took a long time for me to find the right combination of medications. By no means am I happy or anything, but the soul-crushing Feeling hopeless of the human condition seems less soul-crushing these days.May I ask what your PTSD is related to? And what kinds of therapies youve tried? Ive been in CBT and CPT, and I know a lot of people who have been through PET.', 'Well alcoholism is pretty much guaranteed to land you behind bars eventually.', 'Well veterans do. Everybody else is kinda fucked.', 'Well my first advice was to go to the ER, but obviously OP isnt going to do that.', 'Im in the same boat dude. They got me taking so many fucking pills and shit. I might do ECT next, that kinda worries me. I mean I know we signed up for it and shit, but I didnt sign up for *this.* Im gonna rack out man.', 'Im part of a community where most people have dealt with or are dealing with mental health issues, honestly you may just have shitty unsupportive friends. The most trying times of your life is when you find out who your real friends are.', 'Ive never heard of someone dying from taking too much gaba.

Behavior

Hi, following you to this post... Ive been thinking about you since the last time believe it or not, I was wondering how things are going as I didnt feel all that helpful on the last post, so Im glad I found this one.After some time passing, youre posting again, so Im seeing that youre feeling down and Im really sorry to see that. I still think there is hope for you and there can be a positive outcome. I have faith in you, although we have this limited interaction through a website which makes it a bit tricky.This subreddit is by its nature about a drastic action of last resort. Youve posted twice and are now saying it needs to happen soon. Obviously I dont want that to happen. Does what "I" want mean anything? Well maybe not right now, or ever! All the same, I want to get through to you and try to help, and for me, what happens to you does matter. What "I" would like for you to do, is find a way out, other than the planned way... Youve been analysing the situation *but* , I believe that your judgement right now may only be at say 80%, due to Depression, bad circumstances clouding it etc, my own assessment of my life is often wrong too. Depression can be a chemical thing and its hard to assess when you have it. Your feelings (at least some of them) may be difficult to assess due to chemicals. Im not saying its just chemicals, youve got things going on and I realise that, but I ask you openly and as best I can to find a different solution.So, I want you to try a couple of things. I cant make you, but evidence that I care is that Im writing this and checked up 2 months later on what youre up to. So in return I ask for just a couple of thoughts and actions. You dont really owe *me* this, but you owe yourself this for certain... 1) Think about people in your life (family?) that things arent screwed up with and make contact to see what happens. Its Tired rare that there would be absolutely no one; possible I suppose but super-rare I would expect. When people commit suicide, there are people left behind that care Im sure in 99.9999% of cases, I will be one at least, other people posting here, reading this, the police, the photographer, their families, tons of people that you may not expect. 2) See if you can make a *massive* change/way out other than suicide. Like maybe something that would seem crazy like hitchhiking across your country, then going to another one or two, visiting Africa, honestly the biggest change you can think of, doing charity work or something, a 100% change as youve already worked out that things as they are, are not what is working out for you. You cant fail if the other option was suicide.What do you think? :-/', 'Still here if you need anything (me + others). Have you spoken to anyone else about this?', 'Please dont.I think everyones friends are unreliable, honestly, people tend to be quite unreliable even when they are well meaning. Ive had similar frustrations.If a group of people dont meet up, it doesnt mean that they were trying to avoid you specifically. There are loads of things that could have happened. I doubt they all were like "ok fuck you, well just all meet secretly".Im Worried that youre thinking of suicide because of this. Im guessing there might be something else happening too? Do you want to tell us? It might help.I will check back but its just coming up to midnight here, please write back and Ill check if I wake up overnight or first thing.', 'Please go back to her, you need to have a helping hand. Were here to listen but professional help in person is probably going to be better for you (or you can try both). Feel free to write any time to let me know whats happening, Im interested and care.', 'We can talk to you instead on here, if thats any use. Reddit is always available, except during downtime of course :-).Whats been happening? Are you up for talking a bit? We might be able to help, or at least listen to you.', 'Are you still with us? :-/', 'Cool. Thats good.Friends can be ridiculously unreliable, honestly, even when they have the best intentions. I know you want and maybe need them but most people cant give back whats required sometimes. Its just human nature. They wont always be fully tuned in with you unless they know that they annoyed you. They probably have no idea.Try to take it easy at school, see if you can relax a bit and try not to worry. Easy for me to say isnt it, but I think it will help. Maybe you are overthinking things?', 'Hey you two, the offer is still here if those phone lines are still busy or dont exist ok! Not just me, lots of people read this, youre not alone.', 'Maybe the therapist is doing some good at some level, even if theyre just telling you stuff which seems obvious or not helpful. You do need to have someone to talk to, as friends and family can probably only help so much.Losing someone slowly or suddenly, both must be incredibly Pain. In your case you wrote that he would be angry that it was sudden and that you were there when it happened. While theres no way I can guess what he was thinking, I know that although I wouldnt want to put my wife and kids through that, theres also no one else Id rather have to keep me company for that inevitable experience. The terrible (on a personal level) truth for me and my family is that death will come to me too and the better relationship I have with my wife and children, the more Pain it will be. I can only hope that its a long way in the future and we have a lot more fun first. As a Dad/husband, I try my best to make the time with them as good as possible, even the knowledge that it will be Pain in the end. To take away possible Pain from when I do go, it would be best just to slowly withdraw, barely see them and ruin the relationship!Im (quite obviously) not trained in any of this, but when I go, I want my wife and kids to remember the good times (as youre doing with the slideshow presentation in your head). Id be urging them to please not hurt... even though its impossible not to. People say that the Pain never really goes away and I suppose thats normal, youve lost something, but as a Dad, Id want the Pain memories to be overridden eventually by the happy ones and would hope that its possible for that to happen within a reasonable amount of time, which I suppose is the "grieving" process :-/. As he was an exceptionally good Dad, that makes the Pain worse, in exchange only for him having had a great time with you and seeing you grow up and have a kiddy of your own - he would have loved every second of it, believe me. :-). Perhaps that was one of his last thoughts, as a Dad, Id be thinking "well this is shit, no regrets though, lovely daughter, family etc. love them."', 'Have you managed to get any help so far with these feelings? Maybe if you can get some professional advice (Doctor, counselling etc), this might help you get by without it feeling like a struggle all the time.', 'Hi, thanks for sharing, you can talk to us. There are also help lines it that works better for you, anonymous ones, although this may be fine for now.Reading your post, it sounds like that voice is the thing causing your problems and that possibly without it, things would be better (from what I read). I wonder what it is exactly and if its treatable? The human body is a load of chemicals stuck together, maybe a doctor can give you some medicine and you wont be hearing the voice any more. Id like it personally if you went to get checked out as that might be enough to get things sorted.Can you give that a try please? You could go there now, go to the A&E department honestly, its serious enough, they will help if you tell them whats going on.Anyway, please let us know how things go. There are people here who care and will try to help too.', 'Are things going any better today?', 'Hi, thanks for the details. Im really impressed. Yep you sound like youre at total breaking point but Im not surprised, you sound ridiculously busy and like youve really turned things around. Stopping drugs and getting solid work is excellent, cant fault it. The only thing missing is the reward and clear path to a well deserved lifestyle!Sometimes people post here then feel better later. I hope thats the case with you.From what you wrote, bettering yourself has actually worked, just its fucking hard and just doesnt quite feel worth the hassle considering effort put in. I reckon you need to keep going and that youre nearly there. Youve got us to cheer you on in the lamest way possible ;-)... How cheesy to write that but its true. Keep going please, it will get better. How can I be so sure? Well youve shown great drive and willpower to get to this stage. 1 year is a long time to be working hard on something. Its also a short amount of time in the sense of changing something, if that makes sense...IT jobs can be Tired stressful. Im in IT and the jobs have been Tired Tired good and also Tired Tired Tired bad. The place and colleagues make such a difference. Pay is also really really shit at first but eventually Tired good although it seems impossible to get there. My first job didnt pay enough for me to qualify for tax! Most of the time in IT, you move on the next place and get a pay rise. They tend to reward moving and getting experience of working at different places than promoting within an organisation. So youve got that... If you can just carry on at the place, then switch, that should work in theory... The IT people I see on low wages seem to be the ones who stay at the same place doing the same thing for 5 years+Ok! Well... Ill click send now but hopefully this helped slightly? :-/ My main points are that I hear you, it sounds like youve done well and please dont give up hope, you sound Exhaustion but in control.', 'Its hard to know what to say to that. Im sorry you feel that way. I dont think that anyone could never be loved by anyone in friendship or otherwise, were part of a society and theres all someone. Maybe you can make a trip to see your old friends?', 'No problem I didnt expect an immediate reply, just wanted to check :-).Seeing a counsellor sounds like good progress. They can help you come up with a plan. It is possible sometimes to start a year again, if needed, or if you can just work out what youre going to do and write it down then maybe that will help so you can have a plan and stick to it. For education and maybe also for what you want to change personally I suppose.Im still not sure about the disgustingness! Feeling disgusting and being disgusting are different... I dont think most people call anyone disgusting, it would be a bit mean but when assessing yourself, I suppose its possible to be Tired harsh. If its a weight gain thing then maybe you can draw up a new routine to go along with your studies and just make sure you 100% stick to it? Eating less (but still enough) seems to work easier than doing masses of exercise. They say you cant outrun your fork! I cant anyway :-)So for a routine, like get up, eat a, b or c, study whatever, go for a walk, Internet, eat something, I dont know... Something like that but better... I think living by your own rules gets rid of routine. I put on weight and had no discipline to study when I left home. Its hard but you can do it because you want it. Not that youre not doing it already, I dont know what your routine is.Not sure if thats helpful or just annoying... Good luck!', 'Hi, are you ok today? Do you want to talk about things?', 'Your post title is "natural selection". I wonder if youre looking at things a bit too logically?If you want to be totally logical and naturally select yourself out of the pool, you wouldnt need to kill yourself, you would just not reproduce, far safer right... However, I wonder if you maybe have Depression and thats clouding your judgement of what kind of person you are, leading you to think negatively. Sorry to guess, dont have much to go on.You said youre not fit for this world, but I cant help thinking that you are. I wouldnt put many people into that particular category... Have you been feeling like this for a long time?You mentioned a person in your post, so have at least one in the world Im guessing that would be Tired upset. You also have us (although that may not be too much consolation!)Could you tell us how long youve felt like this and maybe some of the things youre feeling please? You dont owe us an explanation of course, but it might help to talk things through and we are up for helping if at all possible.', 'Hi, ok were here with you... Lets see...So obviously I can only go by what you say so this is always guessing to start with so please bear with me. And you can let me know...Moving somewhere for education is a hell of a change, its true, I hope you can find energy for the adjustment, its crazy to begin with then changes drastically as you settle in (for the better). Been there, its hard to start.For the 18 and kissed once thing, thats not unusual, the media like to show everyone having sex with everyone really early but thats just a load of crap. At 18 loads of people are just starting out with relationships, or not, that just isnt covered much. Theres probably someone else just down the corridor in that same situation.You described yourself as revolting and disgusting. Now thats how you feel and I hate to disagree, but its got to be wrong...! I mean, if you feel that way then I can say you dont feel that way, but no one *really* properly fits that description... But I understand that you feel that way. Ive spoken to people before who say "Im so FAT!" and arent but cant see it. Or... If you have put on weight, people do lose it. I just wonder how you perceive yourself matches up with how others do. Theres just no way that people will think revolting and disgusting though, I think thats an internal voice and assessment.Are you in your first year? Educational places realise its a tough change. I failed my way through 1st and 2nd year. Resist after resit, scraping through, taking easier options etc. The teaching staff are pretty helpful, not sure if youve asked them for help yet but its worth considering.Erm... Well, Ill press send... Please let us know how youre doing. You sound quite hard on yourself and I think youve got a lot going for you and its fixable stuff. Sounds like a tough period but were here to talk to you at the Tired least, as well as other help obviously. What do you think? Can you let us know more?', 'How are you feeling today? Better than before I hope. Can we help you go through things?', 'Sport doesnt do it for me either, but it works for some and is definitely not a bad thing, so thats cool that you go the gym already. At least you wont have physical health adding to your worries and it keeps you in a good routine.Im sure people do like you by the way, otherwise they wouldnt talk to you when youre out with your dog. If they didnt like you theyd walk away *every* time. Dont worry if that happens though once in a while, they may be needing alone time, not have seen you or something.I bet you could be friends with the older people actually and that could be good in more than one way. Are they really quite old? I think that some old people are massively lonely sometimes if their children have grown up and moved away etc or theyve lost a partner. Spending time with the old guys/girls could be worth a shot and although maybe not what youre looking for, old people do have younger kids in their families, so you could meet an old person, then get invited round and meet younger people in the end (yes I know how bad this sounds). Not that old people arent good enough... I know this is a bit of a complicated plan, but it could work really well. Old people may have gone through all sorts of stuff in their lives so may be really understanding and a real support for you. Having said that Ive met some really self-righteous #@$%$^$ who are old :-D. To start that though, you could just ask if theyve got kids I suppose. Like asking "is there anyone else for [dog] to play with at home?" then going from there.By the way, this might be quite annoying that Im trying to "fix" this, but if it helps then I want to try suggesting stuff... Some plans may be really shitty but if one works out then its worth trying.If you look in Google for "military wives groups" there are some out there you could dtry. Watch out for scam sites though - Internet... There are definitely people in the same situation, there just have to be due to the nature of the military and people being working away.Birthdays, yeah... I think that out of my (few) friends, not a single one knows when my birthday is unless Facebook tells them, and I took my date off that recently. As a guy and a typical sexist too it seems, I dont know theirs either and dont care :-) haha. Literally lol, thats the way for us guys. Girls are different though (in my sexist mind) and I can definitely understand you being upset. Like you said, I suppose its a reminder. Let this be the first/last year though, next year will be sorted out, Im totally sure you can do this and you can talk to people on here for as long as you like. You said youre not "best", smart, talented, but I think thats just not true. You feel that way now but perhaps its because you may be ill to be honest, with Depression and loneliness (?), so it could be making you feel that way when youre really not. Watch out for that one, its fucking sneaky.Please let us know how things go.', 'Hi, first of all, happy birthday from me and probably everyone who read your message!Im sorry youre going through this, it sounds really really tough and I hope things improve really soon.Your boyfriend would be devastated if you did anything and once the army stuff gets a bit less busy, I think you could tell him how you feel once and for all, as its Tired important that he understands (you said he didnt, he must be made to!). If youre posting here, the situation is bad enough that he must be made to understand.Also I was thinking, are there any other army girlfriends in your area? I wonder if theres some kind of group? They might be a bit more understanding and helpful than the friends you described were.Facebook is totally unrealistic. People only post good stuff on there so it shows a completely fake one-sided lifestyle which is really hard to compare yourself to. Loads of people have shit lonely birthdays. Not that its right. I spend mine with my wife and kids (now that I have them), no one else is reliable enough! I remember my 17th well, youd think it would be with friends? Nah, alone! Things change though and literally the next year was ok again.Do you do any sport? They say thats good for Depression and it might find you some nicer friends than the ones you mentioned?Not sure if that helps you... Will you write back with a few more of your thoughts?', 'I think this can be alright... Ill be mostly guessing things here, but please bear with me. Then you can correct me ok! :-)First of all, it might be worth going to see a doctor. You mentioned the 20s blues, but there are some years left to go there, some people dont realise that they have Depression, taking quite a few years to realise whats going on. It would be quite annoying to struggle through some more years suffering when you could get help (if thats what is needed). Something to consider anyway.Ive been 22 and remember it well! Blues? Yep. Worry? Check! Actually quite a tricky time even if things are going well. 22 can be the start of major changes, maybe a job that pays slightly better, maybe meeting someone, taking up a new hobby (where you can meet someone). Youve got loads of options at 22. Even travelling if you feel like you need a really major change. Some people are studying, there was a feeling of frustration for me at that point as I wanted to break free and go travelling but felt I couldnt. Of course I could have actually, it was just me subconsciously deciding my priorities.Anyway, a few random points there based on me, not you, but I wonder if our situations are/were that different. If anything, I can guarantee that I really was 22 so weve got that...Corrections welcomed please, this is just to talk really... Can you tell me some stuff, whats going on with you etc? Stresses and worries etc? Therell be someone on here whos made it through something similar successfully probably. Or if not, we can at least listen to you and try to get it.', 'How are you feeling today?', 'Lots of peoples lives change dramatically at around 18 (or later obviously) but also its a time which can be Tired frustrating as you can feel like things may not work out. The "things" which you may be aiming to have in your life (partner, car, house, money, kids, job, whatever it is...), take a while to accumulate! At 18 youve barely had a chance to get them assuming you just finished school a couple of years ago at most then unfortunately took a job which you didnt enjoy. Within a year or two, or three, your life is likely to be completely different.Youre right that youve got a lot to live for. You seem like a logical thinker, thats attractive to employers so theres a chance to have a non-shitty job with nice people at some point. Many people meet their partners at work and a nice job can get you friends as well. Ive got a friend who was really depressed, changed job, met his now-wife, friends etc, it does happen. Also please remember that although some crazy stuff is reported on the news, its not all bad out there, the media just like to focus on whats "interesting" and puppies being rescued just doesnt make the cut. Youve also got a chance to do good things as well to improve the world, but please look after yourself first!Does any of that help or apply to you? :-S. Os gwelwch yn dda gadewch i mi wybod :-) - in English though perhaps, Google translate can only do so much!', 'This sounds really tough, Im so sorry for your loss. He sounds like a great guy and I can see why you would be grieving like this.Your child, husband and mother are there for you I suppose, but its just not something that everyone would properly understand or be able to talk about for a long time. The therapist being expensive shouldnt come into it assuming you can afford it. You are worth the cost, if it helps and they should be professionally trained to talk about this.I cant offer much useful advice as I dont have the experience, but theres a /r/grieving reddit which may have some helpful people who can understand and help you better. Not to just send you off packing to there of course...I cant say "get well soon" etc, I dont think it works that way. All the same, Im thinking of you and sending positivity and Im sure anyone reading your post will be too, even if they dont all post replies.

Indicator

Huh? Im sorry, I didnt mean to imply it was easy.', 'Well, theres one way it trips you up right there. It makes you "not show up", right?', 'Just responding to let you know am listening. I honestly dont know where to begin looking, though.', 'Uh... death is the cessation of experience, and the cessation of an experiencer. Theres no one there to experience any euphoria.', 'Wait... whats going on? Since you posted here, talk to us?', 'Hey, just saw this now. Feel free to PM me or respond here (or if you want over IM or email or whatever, lemme know)', 'And please dont give up.', 'Sorry for delay, and thats one possibility. Another is to try to reapply for the next round. (did any of them explain why they rejected your applications?)', 'Hey, heres one idea: http://lesswrong.com/lw/43m/optimal_employment/(its long because it goes through a bit of math justifying the idea that it may be a better option than it sounds at first). Its probably moving a bit farther than you originally intended but..As far as getting there, maybe we can at least help you afford to get there?', 'Well, talk about it anyways? I am Worried.', 'Thanks. And either way, Im here whenever you want to talk.> In terms of the exam questions - I went to our school administrator that is supposed to help with study habits, exam review etc, and she told me I need to think the way that the people that write the boards think, that I have to change the way I do things to get the right answer.Im not sure I understand. If the answers you give are correct, whats the issue? (How would they even know whats going on inside your head?)> You may say its ok to cry and to feel, but as a doctor I cant do any of that. I cant do any of that as a med school student with anyone from my class.What do you mean? I mean, obviously if youre a doctor you cant let yourself break down in the middle of a medical procedure youre doing or such, but that doesnt mean youre never allowed to feel or anything like that.Why no car, btw? And is there any public transport you can use?And again, for what its worth, Im listening, so you can talk with me whenever', 'Go to concerts as an audience member, I meant. The way I understood what you said about "not being Tired good, just for fun" was that you werent ready to play for the public. Or did I misunderstand what you meant about how the shows work?Hrm... drummer living far away is a problem. Logistics always causes trouble for things. Annoying.Oh, in general, anything else youre interested in? What do you like to, say, read? (well read about, think about, would like at some point potentially to do if possible, or whatever)> I didnt mean to shoot down all your ideas btw :/No worries.', 'Means hes one of the people that started SW way back when.', '(I ought to go to sleep, so will reply more tomorrow, but please do elaborate, Im listening (well, will read your replies and stuff))> and being on the OFFENSIVE about her current problems//disabilities because of it.Huh? Maybe just because Im Tired, but not quite understanding. Shes on the offensive how?As far as the child leashes, yeah, ugh.', 'Hey there, I just wanted to let you know I was reading all this (both parts.)I want to take a bit of time to think through, digest all of it, and so on before replying, because theres a lot, but I didnt want you to think I was just disappearing or ending the conversation or anything. Just will take a bit of time for me to think through and reply to all of this.Ill right away say that what youve described to me doesnt strike me as sociopathy. (I admit, Im no expert, but, at least to me, doesnt seem that way.)I also wanted to say that it might be good to stand up for yourself, at least enough for you to realize that you dont owe him continued interaction, and definitely not going along with him to church or whatever. He was Tired bad to you, and you, at the Tired least, deserve to ask yourself whats best for you, to remind yourself that your own well being matters too.(This is just a Sharp Pain short reply, and later or tomorrow Ill try to give a much larger reply to everything you wrote once Ive properly digested it.)', 'Tis okay. You werent really anyways. Just, well, youve been Stress and a Depression and stuff. Dun worry about it. Sorry I didnt answer you before, was afk.', 'Any idea when, approximately?And, dumb thought... maybe the too Tired/worn out is more literal than the sense in which you intended it? ie, maybe need to work on getting to sleep earlier, etc etc? (just an idea, dunno.)And its okay, you dont have to be sorry for not knowing. Im just asking since am trying to understand more.And for what its worth, I am here.', 'Im glad youre doing better! :) \\*hugs just because\\* :)I can certainly understand that Fear. But yeah, Im really glad youre doing better.', 'Hey, talk to us?', 'Perhaps its less inevitable than you think. Perhaps tomorrow you will have the courage to talk to family. Or perhaps we will resume our conversation tomorrow, and perhaps that will help you. So please, dont give up on life, okay?For now though, I need sleep (am approaching keyboard face mode), and I really hope to continue talking with you tomorrow though. I suggest you get to bed and get some sleep too.', 'Sorry for delayed reply. And its hardly causing a scene if theres an actual issue. Just mention it first thing, mention the thoughts, etc...Just looked at your reply to calculator, and seems to me that its still just thoughts. Even if you were using those for fantasizing, I wouldnt think it any reason to feel _guilty_, and certainly no reason to hate yourself.If the thoughts really bother you, talk a bit more to your psych about it, but dont go hating yourself or anything over it. And if this was triggered by going off the meds, maybe you should be back on the meds then? (Or maybe after a bit of your body "getting used" to being off the meds, itll stabilize and wont keep happening?)', 'This must be a usage of "cut off communications" that is altogether new to me. :P but yeah, erf. Did you specifically go there to visit her or happened to be going to that area for some other reason?', 'Therere other people responding/talking with you, right?And Id rather you were, in fact, here this time tomorrow, etc...As I said, Im here if you want to talk.', 'Well, if he actually left you over that, ugh.If the data supports it, the data supports it. Unless I misunderstand, perhaps he was being a jerk and looking for an excuse.If it turns out youre wrong.. that too is part of science, come up with theory, test, if turns out false, then oh well and keep looking/trying to learn.', 'Hey, not sure what to suggest. Maybe different meds are needed?\\*offers a hug\\* as I said, not sure what else to suggest, but I am listening.', 'Thanks. :)If you want, let me know when you get back how it went? (make sure your therapist knows about your lack of sleep, btw). And try to get some sleep tonight.And youre welcome, thank you for saying that. ^_^', '\\*hugs back\\* okay, I await your PM. And youre welcome again.And again, please do reconsider. (If there is anything else I can do to help, anything that might help you perhaps cope, perhaps manage to choose to live instead, please tell me. Ill continue to be here, so if you do decide to live, but still need someone to talk to, Ill certainly be willing to continue to talk with you.)', 'Have you started seeing the specialist, or do you mean thats someone you will be seeing later?Might be worthwhile anyways to give it a tryAnd are you able to articulate why you dont want to live? do you know why?(and please dont give up hope)', 'Then maybe make it easier on yourself. Go to your psych and say something to the effect of "Im finding it difficult to say what I need to say. But Ive said it elsewhere. Im Tonormandie on Reddit, specifically, look at these posts and comments" or something like that.', 'eLance/Rent-a-coder arent the same thing as a starup though. Its more like working as a contract worker, right? Actually, maybe go to your PO and ask about those directly, show those to your PO and see if its okay?(Sorry, I dont really know anything about the rules regarding this)Also, \\*blinks\\* how do you figure 25 is ancient?', 'Did you mean to reply to me or to the OP?', 'Oh, okay. Then just go.', 'Why is it that everything is bothering you?', 'You mean everything just feels like its all just too much?', 'Whats Kickstarter? And good luck. What sort of stuff happened in AU?And yeah, you definitely need to get out of that environment.', 'Hey, Ive been wondering how you were doing. \\*offers a hug\\*And dont worry about pushing me away. Email me, etc...Im listening. If I may suggest, get back into the habit of washing yourself, etc... not for the sake of any social rules or such, but because it might help _you_ feel better.I imagine the folding the bed sheets and stuff more help to give structure, to give specific things to do, etc.. Might be worth it.As far as people you already know who are acquaintances, well since you already know them, that might be a good start, to try to hang out with them?Either way, Im here and listening.', 'Erf. And, stupid idea maybe, but have you tried taking _short_ walks during the day? ie, start with just, I dunno, ten minutes out, then maybe a bit more the next day, etc?As far as foods, therere plenty of things that you dont have to fry/using a frying pan for. Not sure what else to suggest, but am here and listening.', 'Ouch, and yeah, I can easily imagine that being frustrating.(oh, and good that youre less panicked and stuff now.)', 'Aww. Why would I Pain or scare you?and why do you think its too late? \\*hugs again\\* If alone, maybe call someone?(oh, sorry for slow replies, will only be on here sporadically today)', '\\*nods\\* I meant if it was an issue with understanding, maybe I could help. Other than that, try to get better. (and if _STILL_ stick, please finally go to doctor?)And oof. Am trying to think of any way to help.Either way, am here.', 'Unless youre a magician, in which case youre in the hoodini.Hey, just letting you know, its getting kinda late here, so if Im slow to reply, its due to having gone to bed. But will continue to reply tomorrow.', '\\*offers a hug\\* If you take a step back, then that just means you need to take a step forward again. Please avoid harming yourself further, and either way, I dont think youve failed.Please live.', 'Well, first, make it clear to yourself that your intention is to live.Maybe see if you can get on unemployment or something? As far as not remembering what sort of work you did before... do you have any records at home that may help you figure that out/remember it?As far as tax forms... isnt tax stuff public record? So couldnt you in theory go and just get another copy of it?', 'She did not "liberate herself". She has ceased to exist. That which made her her is no more. Her mind is lost, scattered to entropy. You can say it was her choice, but then it is also emsy666s choice to object to it.EDIT: And yes, it really is a tragedy when someone is lost, either by their own hand or by another means. If nothing else, then when by their own hand, it is a tragedy that they were in such Pain, such suffering, that they felt that was the only solution.', 'Ugh as far as your blood sugar bouncing and the rest. (if it remains unstable, you need to go to doc? (asking, since I dont really know much of anything about how this sort of thing works))I dont like that you started blacking out and stuff...Make sure to get plenty of rest and get better Sharp Pain. And cool as far as the pic! (if you want, lemme see it too?)', 'Hey, maybe you need a change in your meds then, or something?Im not sure what else to say right now, but please dont give up. Just an idea, but maybe try not identifying with the Depression? I mean, treat it as something part of your brain is doing _to_ you? Dont say "I am Depression" but rather "Depression is happening" or such?(to yourself that is. Dunno how much it will help, but maybe it will help a bit to at least not identify with the feeling, as such?)sorry if this seems a bit incoherent, is late here. Might be going to sleep soon, but wanted to at least let you know that someones reading this.', 'Whats been causing the "dips"? ie, specific things going on thatre upsetting you, or just feelings of Depression not really caused by outside situations as such?', 'Good that youre going to call the hotline, but please dont hang yourself. Please, I really hope you choose to live.Am listening too, but yes, please call then. And let us know how it went and how youre doing. \\*offers a hug\\*', 'This may be a dumb question, but any chance you could move somewhere else instead?Im here and listening either way.', 'Hardly a failure merely for having nasty circumstances happen to you. Think of it this way: Your kids care about you, right? Theyd want to help. You should let them know. I think theyd rather help you deal with that then lose you.As far as the commute... what about possibility of moving closer? (or, alternately, is there decent mass transit there so you dont have to drive yourself?)', 'Ooof. Poke the financial aid office and see if you can get more given that you lack the money?', 'Sorry, "I think you should..."s probably arent as helpful right now, dunno. Just give it a bit of time first, and not in a "I will wait x time, planning to kill myself" but "I will take some time, see how I feel, etc..."(sorry if this perhaps sounds a bit incoherent, am kinda Tired)', 'If it makes you feel like a hypocrite, then maybe... dont be one. Instead, please live?Imagine the advice that you yourself are giving now is being given by someone else to you?', '\\*nods\\* ah and oof. Try to avoid doing that?', '> Lots of things, dont have the energy to explain it all sorry.Well, whenever you want to tell me, Im listening. (or am listening to anything else you may want to say, for that matter.)> Mm, just makes it feel hopeless to keep trying.Ooof. :( I know the feeling. Is a sucky feeling. But either way, am here, and I do think its worthwhile and not hopeless.', 'As I said now in another comment... I think part of the issue may be that you keep telling yourself that.', ':)One way Ive seen it put/generalized was something along the lines of this:"I desire to live at least one more day. For any amount of days, I desire to live at least one more day than that. By the principle of mathematical induction on the positive integers, I desire to be immortal." :)(Hrm..., maybe instead view it as productive procrastination? we want to put off "being late", as it were. :))', 'I believe theres one on Afternet', 'Well, start at whichever part comes to mind first, I guess? Am listening.\\*offers a hug again\\* Im glad youre holding on for now.', 'Except we talked about that. Some people may, I dunno. But you also seem to too quickly assume people hate you... even people that like you.', 'added (I think.)', '> No, itd cause massive arguments and not achieve anything. It would help if he approached relationships rationally but he does not, unfortunately.What sort of arguments? ie, if you just showed it to him, asked him to read and basically said "heres how stuff looks to me/how Ive been feeling" or otherwise wrote it out for him?(also, remember... if hes being a jerk, thats him, not a reflection of you.)Other than that... maybe try posting in [r/relationships](http://www.reddit.com/r/relationships) too and describe the situation between the two of you. Maybe someone there would have some additional insight.As far as Anxiety and alone... youre not alone, you have friends. You have that friend you told me about, Im here and listening, etc...', 'Actually, may just get to bed early tonight myself, so am here for now though.What happened and hows he doing? You talked to him in person?', 'Hey, just saw this now. You want to talk about your life? Im listening.Whatre your interests anyways?', 'Youre welcome.And yeah, youre right, both sides need to work to maintain it. I hope it does work out though.And yeah, hopefully youll get your violin soon. (do you have a shipping/tracking number thing for it?) And wanting encouragement doesnt sound stupid to me.', 'An outside perspective? Someone that knows something about psych meds and might, if needed, be able to prescribe something that may help? (if its a brain chemistry issue), etc?I do understand the feeling about wanting to deal with it yourself, but...', '\\*nods\\* Id just say that perhaps you shouldnt overly underrate your chances of meeting someone like that again.So seriously, please dont give up on life, okay?', 'Damn... I honestly dont know what to say except that Im here and listening.', 'I know some of the feeling. As I said, a little bit at a time, dont think too much about how much there is left to do.As far as your chest being tight/having difficulty breathing all Asthenia... do me a favor and see a doctor about that. (Your regular doc might send you to a pulmonary doc or such if needed, dunno.)Might be panic, (have you had panic/Anxiety attacks before?)And you said you had a lot go on this Asthenia. What happened this Asthenia?', 'Well, you said youre Tired alot, so..As far 1890-1960s America, you mean you like stories from that time period or stories _about_ that time period?', 'Could be just difficulty getting stuff done. But yeah, if you read that article, then maybe try saying "okay, Im not going to do that" and make a point of not doing so?Either way, Im listening.(and try maybe letting your friends know how youve been feeling?)', '\\*nods\\* okay.Either way, please stick around? And as I said, if you want my email address or phone number or otherwise want to talk, either here or privately, just lemme know, okay?', 'Well... first, what sorts of things would interest you. If youre bored, do you know why? What sorts of things would you find potentially interesting/nonboring?', 'Well, I really hope he decides to stick around..,', 'Wish I knew how to prove it. But, well, think of it this way: If I didnt care, would I be talking with you right now?', 'Please stick around after?Also, what do you mean by "(were a bit late in syndicationm just fyi)"?If you want to talk privately or whatever, pm me, if you prefer email or phone or whatever, lemme know. Just please stick around, please dont kill yourself, ok?', 'Why do you think no one notices you?And, well, for one thing, knowing more about you might give me a better understanding of whats going on. Id like to know more.As I said, Im listening.', 'But if they really can help you, perhaps best to actually let them help you?And as I said, am here.', '> Mm...okies. Most people are not Tired understanding however.That doesnt mean you deserve it. It just means theyre not Tired understanding.> Thank you :) I applied for a job today which is...well, its a Tired simple job, just walking dogs and caring for peoples pets whilst they are on holiday or unwell etc, but it would be some money, and Id get to spend the whole day with dogs rather than people which suits me pretty well heh. So I hope I get it.Cool, and good luck! :)> Sorry...long explanation...I dont like to mention this stuff out loud, at all, so although my boyfriend is aware of what happened to me and he knew I was upset by the scene in the movie I couldnt really tell him about it, and I dont have any way of...talking about why it bothered me, I guess.Nothing to be sorry for. Im listening. (well, reading) I havent read the book or seen the movie, but I can half guess at least what sort of things you might mean. And I am listening anytime.> The painting of the car. I need to talk to him about it anyway...I wanted to put it on my website but I did make it for him, technically, and it is his now, so I feel like I should have his permission before displaying it there. I guess I will ask him again if he liked it.Yeah, thats the one I was thinking of. As I said, I thought it was nice.> Sorry if I talk way too much...I realised it has been several months since I first posted here and youve talked to me pretty much the whole time...thank you for that, its really kind of you. It is ok if you are Tired of me heh :p I dont want to waste your time with my crap.Again, nothing to be sorry for. And no, not Tired of you, dont worry. And youre not wasting my time, really!Actually, I wanted to ask you if you wanted to PM me your email address so we can keep talking even if reddit misbehaves (or, say, during the upcoming sopa/pipa reddit Blackout.)', 'No prob, and let us know how stuff goes, okay?', 'As I said, good that youre going to be getting help.Oooof that youre feeling so bad though. (did anything recent trigger it getting this bad? (ie, was the driving test recent, or did I misunderstand?))', 'Well, I guess it depends on the sort of work, right? but some places/jobs even suggest 4 day work weeks, I think. In other cases, the work might be rather more varied than that. So, dont give up on life yet..Actually, if its okay to ask, what kinds of things are you interested in? What do you find interesting to read about, learn, do, etc etc?', 'Thank you too. ^\\_^', 'Just so I understand, the entirety of the "dirt" is that you swore once?Realistically, if you go to teacher and show this person has been deliberately harassing and stalking you, practically trying to push you into being Suicidal, and that person responds by telling the teacher, "oh yeah? well... he swore once and didnt admit to it", itd be _you_ thats in trouble?If thats the situation, then Id say go straight to trying to take legal measures against this person. At least, thatd be my suggestion, though IANAL.(Or, if nothing else, at least talk with your parents.)', 'Stick around. Maybe instead of thinking in terms of "every time I think Im doing better, something like this happens", think in terms of "whats the trend for the time between events like this?"If it seems to, on average, increase, then you are doing better.', 'Hey, just saw this now... Talk to me?', 'But while you were trying, life was, well, yeah...Id suggest keep trying. I dont think you failed, I think its a work in progress.And again, maybe try doing something thats fun for you. Some physical activity might be good.', 'Ow. nasty. Not sure what to tell you other than "ow ow ow".', 'Good that youe going to take the courses. I hope that goes well for you.', 'Ah, there you are, so didnt delete account, just post?And Id suggest first calling your local crisis hotline, and/or going to hospital and simply telling them your financial situation (or go to local social services office type thing and see what they say)', 'How is your life a horrible mess? What you listed certainly is _not_ any reason to kill yourself, IMHO.Theyre things you need to work on, though. As far as "stupid decisions", well, you and the entirety of humanity. Work on improving that, though.', 'I mean, you said you dont know how to keep living. So once youre feeling a bit better, (and again, please call 911), we can talk and see if we can figure out ideas that might help you, okay?', 'Hey, just wondering how you yourself are doing?', 'google maps estimates, for example, that Stirling, IL to Wheeling, IL is about 26 miles. (I didnt put in exact locations, just the cities.)So... not sure. Maybe Im making some mistake, maybe those cities are large enough that depending on where you live in Stirling and where the con is in Wheeling (in the case of Capricon, for instance), could be much farther.But yeah, youd know the area better, of course. I was just doing Sharp Pain searches/estimates of distances to see what I could find.', 'Depends on the meds. Maybe some of the Asthenia/lower doses ones might be good, (Say, some of the over the counter herbal stuff (the ones that work, that is)) or maybe something else.And yeah, as far as messiness and so on, I know what thats like', 'Just saw this now. Whats going on, talk to us? At least get a good nights sleep. If youve been up that much, that would affect you. Go get a good nights sleep.', 'Dont care in what sense? And I understand the feeling about wasting talent, but right now you can work on stuff.Also, just sent you a PM', 'I didnt say youd find a clone of her, I said that its reasonable that youd find someone _different_ but still _just as good_.As far as the edit, I meant along the lines of "Dont quit on life... its not as if you have anything better to do than, well, live."', 'http://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/7sw8v/so_the_pills_are_right_here_on_my_desk/c07bay0What hes doing after is what concerns me. I really hope he decides to stick around...', '> I dont think I said that...I dont really want to see a therapist. Only reason that it could potentially be useful is to put some clear definition to what my stupid brains doing, but I have not found mental health professionals to be particularly helpful in the past, and dont really want to see them.Ah, maybe misremembered, then. And ooof. Howve they been unhelpful? Maybe try again and find different ones, hopefully more competent?> I havent been referred to a new Diabetes mellitus centre yet, but yeah, hopefully they will be good doctors.\\*nods\\* Ask your new GP to refer you to one?> I dont think there are specific things, but I dont know...finding it hard to think properly, which I guess feels kind of distressing all by itself.\\*nods\\* I think I may understand the feeling.> I guess...I feel Stress about being a bit behind on uni work, and about having to go back to London tomorrow, and be with people all day tomorrow. I feel mentally Tired from today as it is...so...yeah.Awww. Wait, you mean be with people when you get back to London, or be with people where you are now? And I know what you mean about getting behind. I guess try to just work on it some, step by step.But first maybe try to get a good nights sleep tonight.> And frustrated...cause...Im just useless. I cant do all the things Im expected to do Tired well and people dont give me a break about it. Its so Exhaustion trying to get things right and I dont manage to get it all right even when Im trying hard. I wish I wasnt expected to try to behave like people want me to. I dont want to, and I just get it wrong anyway. Its so bloody tiring. And I end up feeling like a stupid idiot and feeling angry. At least here, and with my friend, I dont have to try so hard, unlike in real life.How do you figure youre useless? Other than trouble finding work (which sounds largely like issues with the job market rather than anything particularly about you) what things are you having trouble with that people expect you to do? And ooof that people give you a hard time over it. :(Remember though, you know youre not stupid or anything like that, youve seen you can do well.(oh, sorry if I sound a bit out of it. Am a bit Illness)', 'Ah and oof. Well, as I said, maybe they could help you find work at least?', 'Hey, howre you feeling now?And youre not a stupid freak. Weird can be good.Please dont give up on life. As I said, not sure what to say, but I am listening.', 'Then... perhaps initially dont even reveal that its making you Suicidal, just explain that this stuff is going on with you, and that you need some help?Besides, you and he are different people. Maybe in other ways youre stronger.(Also, did he have some help/support overcoming it? Nothing wrong with you also asking for some help and support, even if your situations are different.)', 'Any chance it was just net misbehaving, so either he saw you leave first, or his bye didnt get through or something like that? (Ive been facing some issues like that, and have in the past repeatedly seen examples of stuff that, well, seems like some personal thing really turning out to be net misbehaving)But yeah, I think I can understand why itd Pain. I know what you mean.Also, "ZedEx" is cute. :)And youre not stupid.', 'The magic words you want to do searches on is "sliding scale" (which basically means "payment will be adjusted based on what you can afford")Try to find some psychiatrists or therapists that offer sliding scale treatment.And Common cold office? Just to verify, do you mean that figuratively or literally?', '\\*hugs\\* I can understand you might not want people to see you the way youre feeling, but it might still be good for you. But maybe get cleaned up a bit, get some real food into you, maybe get some sleep. (Do you think if you went to bed at, say, 3am and let yourself wake up late, youd be able to have a good nights sleep?)And yeah, I know what thats like about needed to know someones there. I think the scared alone thing might be a type of loneliness though. At least, so it seems to me, though I might be wrong.', 'Hey, you there?', 'What should I do? Seriously... I want to help, but I honestly dont know what to do, what to look for, what to say.dammit... Anyone know how to find him?', 'Huh? why not?', 'Hey, Im not sure what to suggest yet, just letting you know Im here and listening, and suggesting not to lose hope.If you are able to, upon consideration, spot that some of your behaviors make you bad/mean, then you could perhaps learn to change those?', 'Thought you yourself had told me so.', 'Ugh. Im not sure what to say, but I am here and listening. Well certainly be here for the Asthenia.', 'Well, if youre up for talking about it, how do those make things worse?And yeah, keep practicing by chatting here, as a start, if that helps.', 'Aww. Either way, I am here and I care. Not sure right now what to say, but am here.', 'Well, even if theyre different, they should still accept that you are how you are. Maybe they might want to help, but to simply give you a hard time about it and stuff is a whole other thing.Anyways, howre you today?', '\\*nods\\* I guess that kind of makes sense, but as you noted, its only been a Asthenia now, so maybe snuggling up with a good book or such would be enough to help you relax and fall asleep once you get used to it?And what sorts of stuff you like to read? (just curious)', 'Any idea what changed? And is there any stuff in specific on your mind, or is it "just" (yes, I know "just" is the wrong word, really, but not sure what other word to use) the feeling of Depression without any specific things youre Depression about?', 'no prob.', 'Well then, while it wont solve everything, you right now know part of the problem. So dont panic, just take a normal course load next semester.Is there other stuff currently on your mind too, incidentally?', 'Hey, Im not sure what to say yet, but wanted you to know I read this and am listening.\\*offers a hug\\*Do you think there might be some way for you to arrange to see your daughter even given that you and your girlfriend are taking a pause in your relationship?Im not sure what else to say, but am listening.', 'Okie. Will looksey in a moment.And good that youre good at dealing with the sugar spike and such.(But yeah, if youre continuing to feel icky, maybe get to doc)', 'Im sorry it hurts so much. :(Please dont give up.I stand by my offer if you want to give me the relevant contact info, incidentally.', 'Good. (Am listening if you still need to talk, though). Am glad youre doing better, and no prob.', 'The fact that we are nothing more that a particular regularity in physics does not make us not-special. The mere fact that were made of perfectly ordinary stuff doesnt strip us of value.Yes, our existence is "just" a physical process. So?You are not a "slave" to your experiences as much as you are (in part) your experiences.> I have to state again, if I arent deciding, then randomness is, so where is the free will?I think youre confusing me with another commenter. Im saying that _you_ are deciding. Let me phrase it this way: "The part of physics that is my brain is controlling it" = "I am controlling it"Dont think of the physics as some distant tyrant "forcing" you to choose a certain way. "Physics controls it" includes stuff like "my thoughts, feelings, preferences, evaluations of outcomes, etc, lead to my decision"... Again, Thou Art Physics. Its not some alien thing thats controlling you.To use the analogy from the article, "I am not deciding, the physical processes in my brain are doing so" is like saying "my hand isnt picking up the object, just my fingers, thumb, palm are"... or even worse, "my fingers, thumb, and palm are forcing my hand to pick it up"(Seriously, if you didnt read the Thou Art Physics thing, do so. It will help clarify what Im saying. Also note the different diagrams. Its not you vs physics. Its simply physics, which also contains you.)>

Supportive

You can if you want.', 'Hovering on the invisible border between life and death makes you weary. I havent been online much. In fact I keep doing things I dont want to do anymore, because its all I know.', 'you there?', 'Let me ask you somehting? Do you know what its like to be so lonely it hurts.', 'Thanks, but just like the patrols in a psych ward its a precautionary measure, when life is gone. The flame has sputtered out, and the engine of my existence had died. Im so low on the totem of existence i could be easily snuffed out by a strong wind. Im done waiting and watching and being watched. I appreciate the effort, but there is no good that can be done here. My life is garbage.', 'You also need to understand that you cant expect people to stop their lives because you dont trust the people around them. Its not your opinion. you cant control people, just yourself. and if you feel she doesnt appreciate you, then maybe its time for a change rather than death. getting a new gf is rough, but its better than biting the dust wouldnt you say.', 'I know what you mean, but could you elaborate why you are at that point. Maybe not to tell me, but it will help others help you. just letting the internet know of intention will do no good. Im at that point so maybe we can relate.

Ideation

I love watching peoples minds be changed by words... thanks for posting :)', 'Some day in the future, youre going to be confronted with someone in the position you are in now, perhaps your child, perhaps a close friend, whatever, and you will link them to this post and say "Look! I was right where you are, and look at me now! I stuck it out, and now Im doing just fine. Life is long, and has room for many ups and downs. No reason to bow out early."And theyll read what you wrote, and look at your smiling face, and know that it is true, and they will make the same decision you did, and perhaps they will go on to help someone through a hard time too.', 'I suggest stopping doing all the things you hate.Stop keeping your weight down. Fuck em. You can be awesome at any size.Stop going to college. Better happy & alive than educated and dead, right?If the alternative is death, you can afford to shuffle around all your priorities. Find a way you can make a difference in an area you carry about. Volunteer at a homeless shelter, or a museum, or a collaborative art project. Join a community about something you love online and spend all your waking hours working your ass off to make it awesome place to be. Blow your savings on a trip to a country youve always wondered about.Whatever it is, find a place where you can be a force for good. Feel free to pm me if you want more specific help finding something: I promise there are good opportunities you havent considered!', 'Reddit Gold basically just gives you the ability to see new comments in a previously viewed thread highlighted in blue. It is nice, but largely you are supporting reddit.', 'Read [this](http://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/rtaiu/being_foreveralone_has_got_me_so_down_right_now/c48mo0w). This guy managed to come from some of the worst Emotional upset and physical abuse and, though much of his life has been really shitty, has really made something of himself now. Hes inspired thousands of redditors, and his own life, at 43(!), is finally starting to turn around.Its a long road, but he didnt get any special help. You can do it too.', 'First, know that many, many people have felt the way you feel and worse, and have managed to come through it and put it behind them. Who knows how long it will take, but it is possible!Now, imagine how valuable this experience will be when you finally make it through: I dont know how old you are, but imagine another fifty or sixty years of a life in which you will be able to call on this experience to help other people through their own Suicidal thoughts.You do not deserve this, and Im not going to tell you its a "blessing in disguise" or anything, but you can turn it to your advantage. Your life is an enormous resource, and throwing it away only seems win-win in the short term. You have so much potential to do good in the world!', '10/10, would upvote again', 'Heres my advice: Use a little bit of that $30 to help someone else out. Just go out and find another human being who needs something, and give it to them.Dont expect anything return, though it may come. The mere awareness that you are capable of doing good even in these diminished times may help more than you think possible.And even if you do remain hopeless, at least you will have done something good for someone else :)

Supportive

Yes. Whenever Im walking around alone at night I wish some murderer would just jump out and kill me. Or I could save someone else, me dying in the process. I wish someone would just kill me because I cant get around doing it myself yet. I wish something bad would happen to push me over the edge so I can just will myself to kill myself.', 'Definitely. Its many decades away, but fuck I dont want to be an old man. Im not even in my 20s yet but I still think "fuck Im going to be old one day, an old decrepid fuck. Im going to live a boring monotonous life and one day Ill be a old man. If you think no one cares about you now, just you wait until your old, youll see how little care people have for you".Upside is Ill probably succumb to suicide way before then, probably before I even get to 20. Damn it, mum why didnt you just abort me.', 'Ive been on two different anti depressants, neither have done owt for me. Its fucking ridiculous, these were my last hope.', 'I hate how everyone seems to have Depression these days, so when you actually have it people just expect you to "get on with it" just because they did when they were "depressed".', 'When you want to kill yourself but its too much effort to think about methods.', 'I relate to all of this, especially the social media. I see people being judgy and being nasty to each other things beyond control, and it fucking sucks. Especially when it could be applied to me, this Depression has made me proper sensitive, the slightest insult makes me suicidal.

Ideation

How long have you been depressed?', 'No ones Depression should be discounted. You could make the argument that a rich person shouldnt be Depression because they should be able to buy simple comforts. There are a lot of reasons for being Depression, but it will always be subjective, and it shouldnt have to be validated. It may be true that women with low self-esteem can find relationships more easily, but that would probably be because some men like damaged women and feel more comfortable being in a relationship with a less confident partner, possibly because they would be intimidated by a confident woman. Are these women really better off though? Sure, they attracted a man, but that man probably will not be able to instill self-esteem in the woman. Unless a person is able to create confidence for themself, they will probably find it difficult to have a functional relationship.Not all women are attractive, and not all women make friends easily. There are certainly gender dynamics at work in all social contexts but anyone can struggle to find support. If you want to find support, your gender identity isnt as important as building effortful relationships and actively communicating with others that you care about them. Basically youll get what you give and if you expect people to be there for you, you might need to be there for them first. Anyone can feel vulnerable and no one wants a relationship where the other person only ever talks about being Depression and needing someone.', 'Its really fucked that your parents would say they dont want to live with you. Everyone under the roof needs to put in the effort to create a nice home environment. School just tends to suck for painfully shy people. There are people like you. But they dont go to your school. They are alone at other schools. If no one wants you, you cant blame them or ask them to change your mind. You can maybe hope that they will see how they were wrong about you. They would need to see that through your actions. I didnt have any friends when I was in school and if I could tell 16 year old me one thing it would be Focus on improving yourself, give people a reason to like you. Do things that make being you appealing to you. It sucks that loneliness is so powerful but it is. Im sorry about everything.', 'I tried to commit suicide once. That was four years ago. Things havent gotten better but I am just too scared to try again. I guess I just dont want it enough. My emotions and motivation have dulled too much.', 'Youre still young and you will have many more relationship opportunities. Try not to be too discouraged because of this one unfortunate experience or any others you might have had. The important thing in relationships is to always communicate what you want and make them communicate what they want. If you are friends with benefits with someone and you havent talked to each other about your expectations of where things are headed, then dont be too surprised if the relationship never develops beyond that. Some people only want sex and they will find it without ever committing to anything or even while deceiving their partner. Its something to be aware of. Ultimately you will need to develop trust with your partner while addressing both of your needs. Yours come first though.', 'You feel like a fuckup because you flunked a test. Life never comes down to one academic test though. Sometimes school can make you feel that way because it is a high Pressure environment. But you may find that if you step away and try to gain some perspective on your situation, there are still a lot of viable options for you. This test may have put you in a bad situation, but has it put you in a situation where you can no longer be there for your wife and daughter? Wouldnt it be worth it to live just to be there for them?', 'To answer your question, I have had positive experiences with club drugs. When they work, they completely eradicate my social Anxiety. I sometimes have a lot of trouble with coming down though. Sometimes no matter what I take I feel stuck in a state of avolition or anhedonia. My tips for avoiding coming down too hard are to taper off substance use incrementally, smoke cigarettes, remain active, and try to continue social contact for as long as possible ', 'You assume youve caused your boyfriends Depression but youre not sure. You should ask him to be sure.Never feel bad about things other people have done to help you. Its their decision, let them make it and say fuck them if they regret it or are mad about it. Because seriously, fuck them.You resent your father for not being there and you want to know why. Im just going to guess that the reason doesnt have to do with you personally. He probably just didnt want a kid, any kid. I know its hard not to take it personally.Its possible that all of your interpersonal struggles stem from the fact that you are too focused on yourself and you think other peoples moods and actions are more influenced by you than they actually are. Youre plodding through college and not enjoying yourself. You should ask yourself if youre getting anywhere, if a logical next step is in place for after you graduate. Hopefully you arent wasting your time. Dont worry if youre wasting anyone elses time. Just ask: Am I moving toward a goal right now? and then, do I really want that goal? Ask that all the time. College is a good opportunity if your goal is to be a normal, successful person. Being a normal, successful person isnt everything. Its two things, three if you count being a person as a thing.', 'What do people bully you for? ', 'Im sorry about your father. ive never had a loss like that. and i dont know what that would be like. i do know what you mean about being bad at socializing though. i dont know how other people always know what to say. My conversations are always devoid of content, which makes me feel dumb and boring. I actually dont know if thats what you experience. Im not distracted like you are. Im actually really focused on thinking of something to say but I cant.Anyway. . .I dont think your problems are insignificant. You come across as being a Tired genuine person and you seem kind. ', 'Your negative realization was exactly that, a negative realization. You found the negative reality in a good situation, which will always be there. Be glad that you had to go out of your way to find it. Just try to enjoy what you have while you have it.', 'Cutting seems to be a big part of your identity. It is one of the few things you mention in your other post. Its in your username. Your peers are aware of it. Do you think you would still enjoy cutting if you only did it on your thighs and stomach or other areas that are normally covered by clothing?', 'I like the way you write', 'What did she do when she caught you? Will there be any repercussions? Was she aware that you were Suicidal before?', 'The thing you need to remember is that, no matter how much you want this relationship, it would never be worth it unless she felt the same way.', 'Why did you start cutting yourself?', 'Adderall completely alleviates my social Anxiety and makes me feel like a normal person with a full spectrum of emotions, heavily weighted towards the good ones. Taking adderall allowed me to understand what life is like without Depression. I went to two doctors and asked if I could get a prescription for it to treat my Depression. They both gave me a flat no. I took a test to see if I had ADHD. I didnt. This all happened a few years ago. I no longer have access to adderall. I stopped trying to go to doctors because the ones I went to were mean and it was an embarrassing experience. No one will give you adderall for Depression but many kids get adderall just by seeing a doctor, complaining about attention problems, and taking a test. It is supposedly not that hard.I dont know why it isnt prescribed for Depression. It may have to do with the medical community believing it would only be a short term fix and you would eventually build a tolerance and start abusing it and other amphetamines. I feel that if doctors feel comfortable prescribing it to kids with ADHD, then they probably arent that Worried about this kind of abuse. Everyone knows it is a popular recreational pill. I think doctors should either accept that reality while trying to help people with mental disorders or disallow it entirely. I never tried it long enough or consistently enough to determine if it could have been a viable long-term solution for me. I dont know if any studies have been done with amphetamine salts and Depression. Another reason I think it probably isnt prescribed for Depression is that doctors have access to a lot of different kinds of anti-depressants that are proven to be effective for many people and are almost universally safer (and less abuse-able) than adderall. I never found an anti-depressant that helped me and I stopped trying a long time ago. But thats just me. I dont have the motivation to see doctors anymore.TL;DR: tell a doctor you are Worried you might have adhd using more subtle words', 'its not uncommon to have trouble getting an erection your first time. everyone knows that cute young couples who openly display their affection are advised to fuck themselves.', 'It sounds like you are feeling Anxiety about your future so death seems like a good way to avoid any potential responsibilities and struggles and work that you know will continue to burden you. Your thoughts are caught up on unknowable, undefined, ambiguous future events like "work" and "heartbreak". Focus on the current events of your life instead. Death is indeed the absence of Anxiety. And every other thought and emotion as well. Death isnt welcoming you, just waiting for you.', 'A small farm and a large family seems like such a wonderful life goal. I hope you dont give up.', 'Well I guess you cant blame her for freaking out. She could have had you hospitalized if she wanted. Why are you Suicidal?', 'You have a best friend. There are so many people you want to say goodbye to that you needed to make a list. You are confident that you can deal with the amount of Pain youre in for over a month longer. ', 'They might stop if you find a good enough distraction. Work, books, exercise, any hobby. I dunno.', 'Does your cat have another home to go to if you should die? Have you made any plans for it?It sounds like you are capable of being a Tired successful person socially. Your life has been filled with dramatic dysfunctional interpersonal relationships, and you have been emotionally dependent on these relationships, which is normal. You still have friends and a significant other. You seem like a competent writer with at least average intelligence. I guess Im pointing all this out to say that youre not in the most unfortunate of situations. Its still your right to want to die. But if for some reason your suicide doesnt pan out, theres some stuff to work with. ', 'with what', 'Im sorry your life has been so lonely', 'Where do you cut yourself?', 'There was probably more to your relationship than drinking, having sex and watching tv but these are the things people enjoy about being in a relationship and they seem Tired special and romantic. But everyone wants to drink and have sex and watch tv. Those are the only things anyone wants. So you should be capable of finding another person like that. ', 'Glad to hear it, person

Attempt

You sound like you need a break. Seriously, take it slowly or youll combust. You need to do something less stressful and calm down enough to pull yourself together. Since you can do freelance writing or tech support, try joining ad revenue sharing sites like HubPages or Daily Two Cents. Its not upfront pay, but you can post about techie stuff and your posts will earn when they get a lot of views (passive income) or you can write an article about anything you want and sell it on articlesale.com or constant-content.com. ', 'Youre gonna die one day, so dont let your life be about size, unreal friends, or romance. The best years of your life are still to come. They can be during your 30s, 40s, or even 50s, so I think its a good idea that you want to join volunteer groups. Dont mind the people wholl pity you for your "lack of experience". Life really isnt about that. ', 'are you still there Throwitallaway8352? I hope you are. Dont give up on yourself. Theres still something you can offer the world. You just havent found it yet. Youre stuck wherever you are. How about see the world through other peoples eyes?', 'Fan Fiction is awesome. It wont betray you. Youre not gonna die alone. You just need to find the right people who will be your friends forever. It sucks, but Ive learned to, as bpdisorder says, be alone at times. I know youll find friends through your fanfiction and games. You could join Comic-con and Im sure youre gonna meet new and better friends. Dont let them ruin your day. Dont let them drag you down. ', 'Try the revenue-sharing sites where you can write different stuff, although payments gonna be long time if you dont go online much. You could try Bubblews where everyone talks about anything and where you can get something off your chest.', 'You can do it. Believe in yourself. Youre so much more than you think you are. I wish you luck, strength, and courage in life. ', 'ada_4?', 'Well, its good that accomplishing schoolwork makes you happy. What I usually do when Ive got some things to do but dont feel motivated to do it is that I do the easiest and quickest ones first. This way, when I feel like giving up, I look at the things Ive accomplished and get reenergized (even though they were easy tasks). After getting the easy ones done, I watch a funny video or post, then start doing the harder ones, while listening to my playlist. Im not sure if itll work for you, too, but its what I do. It might help. ', 'Dont leave the world just yet. ', 'You know, I used to be like one of those people who thought that people who wanted to commit suicide were stupid or cowardly. That changed when I got severely Depression a few years ago. Getting Depression was a concept alien to my family (and generally everyone I know), so I never told them. That time, I felt like I just wanted to stop the feeling, but realized I just couldnt kill myself. I wanted to live. Thats when I realized that I was never going to call people who want to commit suicide coward or stupid ever again. I guess what Im saying is I want you to live, too.', 'Sorta kindred spirit here. I know the feeling. Since I quit my regular job, Ive been working from home as a writer and I do feel lonely at times. Regular routine is wake up, eat, work, break - watch tv shows, play with cat, work, eat, work, sleep. It doesnt bother me much, though, since Im introverted and Im saving to travel. Have you seen the movie Ruby Sparks? I always told myself I wouldnt be like that guy writer who lives alone in the middle of the woods like lonelyyyyyy. My remedy to this is meeting old friends of mine or volunteering in an organization or place even for a few hours a day.', 'Not yet, ada_4. ', 'DONT!!! I dont think your boyfriend would break up with you. Have faith in him. I think you need to get yourself some time off work to deal with this. Dont ever give up on yourself. Go home and be with your family, with people who truly love and care for you. Youre not cheap or dirty because of those assholes. Never blame yourself for their crime. I think you really need to go home for a while and be with your family. ', 'You can, too. I know I might not be able to change your mind. Its still your decision and no one can take that away from you. I guess I just feel like you could beat the crap out of your mental Illness and not let it win. ', 'Its difficult when you feel like you SHOULD be happy, but you just dont feel that way. I think perhaps you should talk it out to someone who will listen to you - not necessarily to give advice or to diagnose you, but just to listen to you and be there for you. You dont have to pretend anymore. Say it straight that you feel Depression, but you dont why, and you cant stop feeling this way. Let your family know what youre going through. ', 'Sometimes we think were alone in things like this, and then we get surprised to know that there are actually so many of us out there thinking about the same things. I got Tired Depression at one point during my first year of working that it affected my job - tardiness, absences, etc. It was a horrible experience that even my family didnt take seriously because it just wasnt something apparently fathomable to them. I was only able to talk to a guidance councilor about it once. Looking back, though, that was the time in my life where the only person who was able to console myself was - myself (even my best friend didnt understand it). Like you, I know what people expect me to do: get a job, get married, have kids, carry on existing. I didnt want it, so after 3 yrs, I did freelance writing. Im not saying go into writing to find a purpose. What I do mean is that I understand what youre going through cause Ive been there, and what I did was this - when I couldnt "find" a purpose, I made one for myself. ', 'Go for it, and good luck!

Ideation

I dont want to live. Travel? With who? I have no one to travel with. I tried going places alone. It just makes me feel even lonelier and more depressed. It doesnt matter what I do because people dont like me. Or I dont like them. What if I dont want to help others? What if I cant find it in me? What if Im just too angry to give a fuck? I dont know. I dont have a good heart. I dont have a heart. ', 'I dont know how to forgive myself because Ive lost everything that mattered to me. **I** did that. It was *me*.I understand why I was promiscuous. That doesnt change anyones mind about me. It doesnt make me any more attractive. It makes me disgusting regardless of the reasoning behind it. I think anyone who would be with a girl like me is a guy with no self-esteem that cant get anyone else. Validation that Im not totally ugly. I figured it someone was going to sleep with me it was because I wasnt totally ugly, fat and gross. Turns out, men will sleep with absolutely anything that is willing. FAIL.My Dad didnt care. My Dad neglected me. My Dad would call me a slut before I had ever even touched a boy. ', 'If it were that simple, I would have done it. ', 'Oh, thanks! I got it now. All it took was you telling me to get it! Fucking sweet. THANKS.', 'It doesnt matter what demons others hide. They know my demons.I can remember every little terrible thing that has happened and I cant help but feel like a runt. I feel like I have no soul.Im sure there might be some people that care, but they cant save me. Its only a matter of time before they leave me.', 'I live too far away.', 'Well, I have no confidence. It is what it is.', 'Ive pushed all of my friends away. I dont think they are true friends, just people who still find me somewhat useful. "Your purpose in life may just be to serve as a warning to others." Thats all Im good for. What NOT to be.', 'what if theyve already given me a million chances?', 'Im just so embarrassed of the way I think. The things that I felt that were completely untrue and wrong. "To understand and be understood is to be free" ... I am not free because I dont understand and no one understands me. I felt like I knew something and everyday I have to trudge through life knowing that people think I am a joke. It hurts. I Fear ever facing those people that have put me down. That laugh at me. Because I dont have anyone in my corner. I am at a loss. I feel lonely. I dont know how to get what I want. What I seek. Yeah, I could change but I dont know where to begin. Can I ever really change? The consequences make me feel bad, yet I continue to hope that someday if I keep doing me, that I will find someone different. Its crazy. Im sad. ', 'But Im not happy. Anything that even makes me happy at all, ends up fucking me in some way. I sincerely believe I cannot win. That some people are cursed. That some people will never have a nice life. That some people will always get the best of everything while others suffer. It is what it is. I cant fucking take it anymore.', 'I cant live without regrets when I truly regret what Ive done. People dont look at me the same anymore. Maybe I was too distracted to see how they really looked at me. But I know Ive lost all respect. I know Ive lost all trust. Everyday, I think about suicide. Every.single.day. I am doomed.', 'People dont forget. 25 f. What else do you want to know?

Behavior

I would like to say the same thing loveandsqaulor said (except im a dude)>Im still fucking pissed that i respect her.I find it comforting that other people think this way. Ive been trying to move on from something similar but ive refused to take the "hate/degrade her approach" or the "busy yourself approach" and it sucks.', '(from the link)The subtle piano raindropsThe creaking of the buildings and their cellosThe Flatulence/wind was our violinThe sky was a symphonic mural of starsHiding behind perfectly placed cloudsBecause everything is the way it isAnd everything is perfect in their imperfectionsAnd everything is placed the bestAnd it is now, and it is hereAnd tomorrow is another nowWaiting to happen', 'I dont like the continual daily cycle of going though "really really sad and terrifying and frightening feelings" to "base level existence."', 'There are too few people in the world with a heart like you. I need to know there are people like you around. Lifes too damn hard without knowing that. You arent alone in that sense. It it doesnt make me feel like such an alien in this world. I hope that makes sense. Im sorry about your mom. It angers me thats shes going through this and that your going through this. Youre not alone.', 'Thanks gompert. I do appreciate it.>shelving away the notion that said enjoyment is forced/manufactured.How do you do that? I cant bring myself to do it at all. I have this weird mindset that comes and goes of being "real" or whatever and not distracting myself from everything like everyone else does. I know how egotistical and...i dont know dickish? that sounds (i really do hate myself for even just writing that). I just cant bring myself to do it....Also, do you know me? You have a writing style Tired similar to a friend of mine that i havent talked to in awhile.Again, you have nothing to be sorry about. I can relate with you Tired well right now.Thank you, again.

Indicator

Stanley is more of an NPD and Blanche is just damaged by her experiences imo. ', "He can't handle three months? Are you sure this is the type of guy you wanted to spend your life with? He's bailing now when all he has to do is wait, - maybe it's a good thing you didn't have to find out the hard way when you were in too deep with kids and a mortgage and such. \n\nThe program may or may not work, but it will definitely fail if you don't give it a chance. Think of it as starting of a new life. You'll get away from old patterns, old triggers, you won't have a choice but to learn to deal with shit on your own. You might just grow stronger, more independent, more self-aware, - you're mourning the life you're leaving behind but has it brought you that much joy, really? You don't want to be anchored by your condition - you can try letting that forced change of scenery change something in you, too. Just give it a chance. Change is scary but the comfort of old and familiar misery is just that, misery.", '>I heard in my BFs voice, "look how stupid and whiny you sound! Youre like a child! Man up!!" First things first - you need to dump that loser. Right now. Hes in your head, consuming whatever little resources you might have left for yourself. You think you dont care but this relationship is extremely toxic - its like living with a parasite that doesnt Pain or bother you, just quietly sits there, eating up your nutrients, poisoning your blood. You need a safe place to heal, you need to get rid of his nagging, criticism and mockery. You cant will yourself out of depression, you might be legitimately Illness and hes standing in a way of you getting help. Reclaim your space, you can barely carry yourself, and hes riding you like he couldnt give a crap. Believe me even if it doesnt make you happier, the moment you realize you dont have to see him or talk to him and hes out of your hair with his tantrums and his selfishness it will feel like taking a deep breath of fresh air after a lifetime of suffocating.', 'Great job! Doing god\'s work here. Run along now, /r/suicidewatch and /r/domesticviolence need someone to point out their typos! \n\nOP: glad you got out. /r/BPDlovedones might have a better answer for you, but google "splitting" in bpd context and you\'ll understand. In short, she doesn\'t "literally" hate you, just like she never "literally" loved you. It\'s all emotions. Superficial fluctuations of mood that go completely unregulated. Normal people, when they get sad, or mad, or frustrated, they attribute it to some combination of external and internal factors, of course there\'s always some margin of error but the overall perspective is more or less balanced. With BPD folk they found a target and they focus _all_ of their joy, or rage, or frustration on him/her. If she\'s sad, _you_ must have done something terrible to make her sad. The reality doesn\'t have to match, in fact the absence of proof only adds to the intensity because then it\'s 100% imagination. You\'re trying to evaluate her behavior through your own filters, in your world, if someone says they hate you, there must be a Tired serious objective reason for it, and it\'s real and won\'t go away the moment you laugh at a cute cat picture or if someone tells you you look nice. With her, it\'s exactly like that. She "loves" when she\'s in a nice mood, and she "hates" when she\'s bummed. Everything is Tired intense and dramatic, but none of it is more than two inches deep. Think of a toddler throwing a tantrum, only they know grown up words and can act really well, and you\'ll get the picture.', "You're not going to get any meaningful advice here. As you said, these people are incapable of seeing outside of their own situation. All you're gonna hear about is how it makes _them_ feel and I'm pretty sure you're already Illness of it. Head to /r/bpdlovedones instead.", 'What do you think happens when you "kinda" succeed? You cannot hit a save button and pick up where you left off after a failed attempt. Theres gonna be consequences. Pills? goodbye kidneys/liver. Some slow your heart and make the blood Pressure drop, but not enough to kill you - just enough to throw a clot in your spine, or worse, in your brain, and turn you into a drooling babbling cripple. Ever seen Cerebrovascular accident victims? yeah like that. Razors? Poor strategy == lose enough blood to drop Pressure (and then see above) but not enough to drop dead. Or just enough to deprive your limbs of circulation (oxygen) for some time, and wake up in an ICU with a stump. Jumping off some place high? well it has to be really, really fucking high. Even then you might land on something unexpected and survive. And you probably wont wanna jump anyway, it does takes a huge dose of desperation and not giving a fuck to pull that off even for people who are determined to check out. Are you kidding me. Shits fucking scary. There are not 100% safe methods even if you have zero doubts and have been planning it for a long time. A botched attempt is likely to make your life a living hell - and not only mentally, physically as well. I understand why you dont want to ask for help. Its embarrassing. Its been drilled into your head that "wanting attention is bad" and its shameful and it makes you a drama queen. But they can get the fuck over themselves. They can deal with a little drama seeing as the alternative can lead to dealing with long-term care facilities and tons of medical bills. Listen, you probably dont want to die, you just want to fix things that are making you miserable. Maybe just a chance to talk in a safe setting without being afraid that those you trust will roll their eyes and scoff in your face. You want to be taken seriously and you feel that its impossible as long as the situation is under your control. I mean, its not just to "scare people", right? You feel that only if that control is taken from you, it will somehow absolve you of all responsibility. But you couldnt be more wrong. If anything, it will be *remembered* as your most epic fuck up and only end up in more guilt and shame and possibly a ruined life or two. Reaching out is hard, especially to those who are closest to us. We fail to see things clearly the closer they are. And the more comfortable we get with people, the easier it is for us to dismiss them, they feel too familiar and theres so much our own baggage that we cant see things that are right in our faces. I bet there are online suicide prevention counselors that patiently talk to desperate strangers all night and then come home and yell at their equally distraught family members. You know how it is. You can and you will be taken seriously if you start taking yourself seriously first. Try to understand *why* you think attempting suicide is your only option. Try having a dialog with yourself. Ask yourself if youre prepared for the consequences of either outcome. There are a whole lot of people on the net, including this place, where you can vent and rant and talk about whatever anonymously, what if all you need is just an advice or a fresh perspective? What if all you need is a visit to a regular doctor and a prescription? I dont know, you havent given out much information. But what if its easily solvable, you just dont see the solution because youre so close to the problem? So dont make it into a "half-ass pity party", but also dont make it into a tragedy. Clearly youre still capable of logical and rational thinking, apply it. Make it into an intelligent and mature decision, whatever it is. Even if you do decide to off yourself eventually, give yourself time to do proper research, this will be the final and the most important decision of your life - I mean, if anything you owe it to yourself to spend more time on it than time you spend picking your next smartphone, right? Also, it will help you figure out just how serious you are about this. Is it worth months of reading medical articles and case studies and planning? cause it its not, youre not ready. It will also give you a sense of a way out without forcing you into any kind of action. Give you some wiggle room. Just in case some things I said sounded "sarcastic" or whatever: it wasnt intentional, Im not trying to mock or ridicule anyone or imply that failed attempts are cries for attention, not by any means. Just give an objective analysis of possible consequences. I hope you get help and get better. Until that happens, just keep talking. People will always take you seriously here.', "someone I know is like that. WHen everything is nice and quiet and there's literally nothing to Stress about they'll go out of their way to manufacture a crisis out of thin air and drag everyone in their vicinity into it. It's ridiculous. The worst thing is when you're dealing with their imagined disaster, your own problems are being put on the back burner and your own issues - no matter how serious - are ignored. Once they immerse themselves into their own experience, everything else ceases to exist. Last one of those fits cost me an ambulance ride because I couldn't get a break to take care of a nasty resp. virus I caught, I was too busy mitigating their imaginary apocalypse. It affects other people too.", 'You are getting a preview of what your life will become if you stay with her. Constantly on alert, walking on eggshels, rehearsing every word, every sigh, every facial expression multiple times in your head before you let anything out, your every move being watched, zero autonomy, and absolutely no remorse or accountability on her side. That sinking feeling you have every time she has a mood swing, every time you are afraid to go home when she\'s there because you\'re frantically trying to remember all the ways in which you could\'ve "messed up"? it\'s gonna become constant. Whatever passions you have in life, every little thing that makes you happy, she\'s gonna squeeze it out of you and replace with anxiety, Fear and guilt. You will forget what it\'s like to appreciate a sunny day, to talk freely with your friends, to enjoy a meal without subconsciously expecting a shitstorm because every moment of happiness she might suspect you could have had without involving her, you\'re gonna get punished for - in unreasonably, disproportionately, ridiculously cruel ways. This is the worst kind of existence I can imagine for anyone. Do you really want this? I mean, there are tons of beautiful intelligent girls out there that won\'t turn your life into an endless stream of Pain, Fear and humiliation. You are a grown man and you\'re already getting used to the idea of asking permission to watch R-rated movies. WTF is that? She needs help but you\'re not the one to help her. You don\'t help a serial killer by becoming a willing victim because you sympathize with someone "damaged". You save yourself instead.', 'aaaand there we have it. The only voice of reason in this thread, and s/he\'s an asshole. And you wonder why you can\'t get "help"? because you\'re only willing to listen things that make you comfortable, and the truth often sucks. If you rely solely on people to tell you what you want to hear, 24/7, no matter what, or there\'s hell to pay/ambulance to call otherwise, nobody will be able to help you. Your feelings are important _to you_, that doesn\'t mean they automatically become the responsibility of those surrounding you. The pills you have are not enough to seriously Pain yourself, you\'ll just wake up in a hospital, they\'ll make you swallow a tube and pump your stomach and make you talk to a psyshiatrist on call who\'s seen maybe a dozen cases like you since last night, and if you throw a fit they\'ll put you on hold, it will cost a shitton of money (to whom? your parent? your spouse? the state?) and the next time you\'ll be taken even less seriously because no matter how much people care, they are not made of steel and they judge us by what we do, not what we think or feel. ', "The diagnosis gets thrown around like a huge blanket for any character disorder that doesn't fit other criteria more snuggly. Also there are types of BPD. For example, histrionics are basically narcs without the delusions of grandeur, but avoidant is literally the inverse of the NPD (i'm the center of the world vs. the world is scary and fucked up and it's all my fault) yet it's lumped up right there with borderline like no biggie. So, I'm going to assume the amount of damage someone with a diagnosis can do differs accordingly.\n\nSecond.\n\nThink about someone with a heavy drug addiction. Are they a horrible person? maybe yes, maybe no. Are they going to drag you down and fuck up your life beyond recognition if you enable them? abso-fucking-lutely. \n\nGood thing about both the BPD and the drug addiction is that unlike actual diseases and mental illnesses you can't fake _not_ having, those are character (behavior) disorders that can be mediated through changing one's behavior. An addict can fight their urge to use drugs, I'm not saying they can stop ever loving or wanting them, but they can learn some tools/get some meds that will prevent them from acting out on their urge. Same here. BPD is not Malignant neoplastic disease or epilepsy or something. It's behavioral patterns that can be changed, even if the causes and the triggers remain the same. \n\n", 'I\'ve been on suboxone maintenance for more than three years (ex heroin addict) It can be a lifesaver, but it\'s one hell of a commitment. Withdrawals can last for months and although physically nothing like full-blown dope sickness, they\'re pretty Asthenia mentally. I wouldn\'t recomment it for someone who\'s just looking for a suitable mood stabilizer unless you\'re absolutely positively out of options, or an addict. \n\nSubs can work wonders, both in terms of keeping you off the dope and helping your mental state. I read something somewhere about its effectiveness when used strictly as an antidepressant (for non opiate-dependent people). Google "buprenorphine and kappa antagonism" to see the studies. As far as chemical dependence goes, at Tired low doses the opiate effect is negligible (no "high" to speak of), other than that people on antidepressants/mood stabilizers are dependent anyway, so it\'s just switching one for the other. Except for the cost, but most insurance plans cover it now. \n\n\nBut _you have to take it regularly_. No exceptions. Consistent blood level is absolutely required for it to work. You won\'t benefit from it if you keep using it to deal with withdrawals until you can score again, or recreationally, like any other antidepressant it only starts working once blood concentration reaches a stable point. Again, the decision to go on subs is long-term, it\'s not something that can be "tried on", be prepared to get stuck on that ride for a while. ', 'You can look up [avoidant disorder](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Avoidant_personality_disorder) it often co-occurs with BPD \n\nhttp://bpd.about.com/od/relatedconditions/a/Borderline-And-Avoidant-Personality-Disorder.htm', "I think you're confusing high self-esteem with self-awareness. High self-esteem + BPD = narcissistic personality disorder. ", 'The film doesn\'t really show what the author was trying to show imo. It just a showcase of various mental disorders with Jolie stealing the spotlight (in fact if anything it\'s probably a great exploration into female sociopathy but BPD is nowhere to be found, Suzanna simply appears to be a normal "troubled" teenager). The book delves much deeper into the struggles that go on inside her head. ', 'First, read this \nhttp://outofthefog.net/CommonBehaviors/CircularConversations.html \n\nrecognize when you confuse things you feel with things that are really happening. It\'s a huge problem for BPDs to see outside of their situation. When you catch yourself sipping into "I hate everything" mode just enumerate things that are _really_ happening right now, as objectively as possible (like you\'re a reporter, for example) and try to distance the objective desctiption of the situation from what you\'re feeling. You can still feel it, just remind yourself it\'s not what\'s really happening on the outside. \n\nEmotions are like weather. They will pass. Good ones and bad ones, they\'re transient. What\'s stable is what\'s around. You might feel she doesn\'t care enough or she said something that upset you - how real is it? Based on her past actions, if you were to have, say, a heart attack right now, would she drop everything, stop being upset, grab you and rush you to the hospital? All the real-life trouble you\'ve been through, how supportive was she of you, can you trust her to pick you up when you\'re too drunk to drive, to comfort you if there\'s a problem at work, bring you chicken soup when you\'re Illness? Those things are _real_, and they\'re the only ones that matter. Now what she _might_ be thinking about you, not what she _might_ have done without your knowledge, not what she, maybe, _might_ do in the future when she gets fed up - speculations are worthless. Don\'t confuse your imagination with reality. The rest are just your brain being a toxic brat. Let it have its tantrums but try to put some distance between you and her while you wait it out. And remember you\'re doing just that - waiting out the shitty weather, nothing more. \n\n Find distractions. Find something that will occupy your mind, give it something to do. Write, or solve puzzles, or start a DYI project, whatever floats your boat but don\'t let your mind get stagnant, it\'s gonna start filling up with garbage real Sharp Pain when its idle. \n\nAnd when she needs your support, and you get mad because _your_ needs aren\'t being met at the moment, well... think how selfish this would sound coming from her if you were in her place. You are a team. Stop keeping score, stop counting favors, stop all that shit. You\'re supposed to be on each other\'s side, not compete for attention. Whenever you catch yourself being unfair and selfish, pretend you switched roles, pretend you\'re her, how would that make you feel? \n\nWhat I noticed, growing up with a BPD parent and spending the past 20 years trying to get rid of their fleas, is the significance of words - not the ones you shout out loud during a nasty argument, those don\'t mean much, - but how you formulate things in your own head. Imagine this situation, for example: \n\nYou\'ve had a long day at work and you\'re at the end of your rope. You dream of getting home and just want to shut down and Chill in front of the TV. But when you get there you see your gf has been crying, she\'s had a bad day, someone upset her at work, or she\'s Illness with the flu, or is stressing about some exam, I donno - the point is, instead of getting your much deserved rest you now have to tend to her emotions and put yours on hold. \n\nNow note how your brain puts it in words. There is more than one way to represent a situation. Is it "omg it\'s not FAIR can\'t I have a single night to myself?? I\'m human too! I\'m Tired! I\'m stressed! Why the hell do I have to waste my Tired limited resources on someone who didn\'t even bother to ask me how my day went, and is probably will dump me anyway??" There\'s also another way to look at it, there always is. Yes you\'re Tired and pissy and it\'s not "fair". But what is it that she really expects of you? Just a little help. A smile, a hug, a couple of supportive words. She isn\'t neglecting your needs, she\'s just human and has some of her own, and now it\'s your turn to step up. It\'s important to remember that _other people are exactly like you_, they are just as volatile, and complex, and sometimes needy, and make mistakes, and are not always in tune to your needs, and that\'s ok. It wouldn\'t be fair if people always expected _you_ to anticipate their moods and mitigate them - why are you expecting it of them? Stop with the double standard. If you\'re not ready to do something, don\'t demand it from other people. Simple as that. \n\nDon\'t fake happiness, don\'t force yourself to act jolly when you\'re depressed, that\'s another problem - BPDs are never about what\'s real, it\'s always the role they play. Stop obsessing about "what you look like" to others, it\'s not about your image, it\'s not about what others may think of you. They\'re just like you, remember? they can think a thousand self-contradicting things at the same time and Tired few of those things will align with reality. \n\nSo just Chill, stop trying to make an impression all the time, don\'t act, don\'t expect to be reimbursed for your troubles, don\'t do any butthurt favors, just think what you would want them to do if you were in a similar situation. _But what about me??_ is poisonous to a relationship when it becomes a go-to reaction to any kind of effort you think is expected of you. It\'s not your girlfriend, it won\'t be your next girlfriend, you have to realize that no relationship survives with that mindset. Selflessness and empathy are crucial, otherwise you might as well quit. If you\'re not ready for things to be "unfair" for the sake of the one you love once in a while, you have no business having a life partner.', 'Get some sleeping pills. ', 'You sure you want a kid and not a puppy? I had a parent with strong BPD traits. If I could be unborn I would do this in a heartbeat. ', 'what do you mean "deserving"? nobody\'s entitled to anyone\'s love. It\'s what you make of it. You cannot expect people to love you if you continue to make their lives miserable. Codependence, maybe, but not love. Would _you_ want to be in a relationship with a person who made you fearful of things you could not control, yet held you responsible for them? Would _you_ want do deal with the version of yourself in your partner? So why the double standard? Love means freedom from Fear and inner peace, first and foremost. ', "If everything you do when you start seeing someone is focused on reflecting their every trait, you're gonna attract the ones who tend to fall in love with their own reflection. Narcissists mostly. Hence the crazy declarations of undying love and all that cringey hype. ", "I think /r/BPDSOFFA might be a better place for you to ask these questions. What you need to understand is that you are not his caretaker. You're quite literally destroying yourself and jeopardizing your future with this person. _You need to take care of yourself_ - you do not possess the knowledge, skills and experience needed to handle someone like him. He's latched on to you because you're trying so hard to make him feel normal, so he justifies not seeking help and persisting with his behavior because you provide that justification. Listen Tired carefully, he is not just some immature insecure kid that needs your love and help and support to overcome his hangups, - he is seriously broken, and even if you were an experience mental health professional with tools and meds at your disposal, you probably wouldn't be able to help him because of your involvement. \n\nThere are good stable men out there, the ones that will be happy to be your best friend and listen to _your_ needs, why are you sacrificing so much for a person that refuses to help himself? You're under a lot of Pressure and you have your own problems that need fixing. _Putting your basic needs first is not selfish_ no matter what your partner (or your parents, or whoever conditioned you it's OK to tolerate this sort of thing) has told you. You are not responsible for him. If he gets Suicidal and kills himself it will NOT be your fault. If he threatens it, call 911, that's the extent of your responsibility for his well being. _You are not equipped to handle this_. Him making you believe that makes you his hostage, not his partner. If you stay and keep believing it's somehow your job to take care of him and cater to his psychotic whims, you might Tired well end up planning your own suicide. This is the truth about trapping oneself with a BPD _who refuses professional care_ - they survive by sucking the life out of people who think they can rescue them. Don't be mistaken, he doesn't want to be rescued by you. He doesn't need your _help_, he needs your Stress and your drama and to constantly reassure himself that his moods can be just as stressful and sometimes devastating for _you_ as they can be for him. Please don't subject yourself to this anymore. You're on your way to become a doctor, shit, you'll need all your strength and mental health to even survive your training. Again, he will not get better as long as there are people enabling him. _He is not your responsibility_. \n\n ", "it's a thing \nhttp://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Maladaptive_daydreaming", 'I remember this episode on ER about a woman suffering from agoraphobia, who had a breakthrough session with her therapist and agreed to step outside her house for the first time in years. So they carefully make the first few steps and she\'s breathing and everything and then BAM the goddamn roof collases around them and they\'re rushed to the hospital... \n\n.. and the poor woman is wheeled from place to place in crowded corridors with drunk and stoned people yelling and crazy people running around and eventually - yes there\'s more - eventually gets trapped in an MRi machine by some psycho who pretended to be a doctor... \n\nanyway... in the end she was all smiles and rainbows and was like "if I can survive a day like this I can sure as fuck survive going outside my house once in a while". \n', 'Theres always a way out. Do you work? Are you in school? Do you have any free time on your hands? You dont sound like youre clinically depressed, maybe you just feel trapped and hopeless? If you dont feel that you "qualify" to ask for help from a womens shelter, maybe you can try volunteering for a women advocacy group or something like this. Youll get to help people and meet new friends and wont feel so isolated - not to mention they can help point you in the right direction, social workers, employment resources, residence, whatever is there. As long as your body is still functional, physically - I dont know if mentally you can take on a challenge like this, but if you think youre up to it, you can give it a try. ', 'I agree with you on the "ruining other people" and "reproducing" part. But you can make a choice to stay away from long term relationships and to not have children. There\'s a Tired limited amount of damage a BPD can do to someone they\'re not intimately involved with. Most of them are hyper-vigilant about being decent to strangers/coworkers/whatever at the appropriate distance. They also make good artists, writers, musicians, etc. There\'s good in everyone but it takes some self-awareness and hard decisions to avoid harming others. Like pedophiles choose chemical castration for example. ', "So do mosquitoes. They don't have it out for you, they just survive by sucking your blood. Doesn't really make much of a difference being stuck with a bunch of them in a room tho.", "If you proceed with this relationship things are gonna end up on his terms, not yours. What you want doesn't matter. Also these people have no concept of accountability. If you try to distance yourself before he's ready you might be putting yourself at risk.

Indicator

Well the biggest factor preventing me from trying it again is the support group Ive surrounded myself in. When I told my loved ones what I did, the look on their face was the hardest thing Ive ever dealt with. Then I thought this could have been 1000x times worse. I could have left them. Without ever giving them the chance to try and help me. I always thought I would be a burden if I opened up, but you know what? It makes people feel loved and special when you can confide in them. I saw a therapist the other day and that helped Tons. I though it was going to be a big Emotional upset blow up, but it was the opposite. Yes I broke down telling her what I did, but she listened, and discussed plans for moving forward. She didnt make me feel bad at all, hell, it looked like she was tearing up a bit. No matter what problems you are going through, when your life is on the line, you are all that matters. Dont feel gulity or having these thought or what it could have done. Your alive now and lets keep it that way. Focus on yourself, make yourself happy. After my attempt I struggled to think how Im going to make it up to everyone...but there was nothing to make up. They all just want me to focus on myself. You cant make anybody else happy unless you are yourself. If therapy sounds appealing to you I highly recommend it, but if reddit users are working, then thats fine too ;). I was all over this post before my attempt and one user actually figured I wasent full of shit and called the cops, they busted down my door and saved me. Thats why Im on reddit now, I feel like I can help people on here because I know what true darkness is like. Im still not ok, it will take time, but life has purpose for me again. I want to enrich the live of those I would have otherwise completely ruined. Its my motivation. You need to find that motivation. Its good your talking on here, dont ever put yourself in a shell thinkin nobody care or nobody wants to talk. We are here :)', 'Ill be sleeping with ya bud', 'It is also capable of complete instability. The drinker I get the Easter it is to go through with it. Thanks for trying to help, Im stifling to keep my eyes closed which means its time for the bag. Goodnight ', 'I flatten average men with a pad and a pen ill fashion a diss so immaculate I have to rap it with a cackle and grin ', 'Thanks check them all out you are the only person to give feedback. I like ghostwriter ', 'Benjamin David young argyle hotel march 2nd edmonton rip the dose has been done', 'If I stay here and have to deal with everyone visting me while Im in a bed on my own doing....I dont know...I feel like this is the first chapter in a long and miserable life', 'You sound completely defeated and that breaks my heart. There is nothin more i can offer expect kind words but I think they are too hard for you to hear now. If you could have one positive thing happen to you today, what would it be?', '22', 'Hahah that legit made me laugh, comparing life to horseShit. Thanks for that, thats probably gunna be the last belly laughter I get', 'Too late', 'Im pretty sure they saw some reddit posts I made on their computer dashboard. They said I made Suicidal threats to people but I literally havent talked to anybody in person for 2 days', 'How can I fall asleep and not wake up', '"I see now that the circumstances of ones birth is irrelevant. Its what you do with the gift of life that determines who you are " -mewtwoIm dangerously unstable myself right now and the only thing keeping me from following through with shit is going on reddit to talk to people in the same boat. That quote from mewtwo helped me as a child. today, they hold no weight for me, hopefully they do for you.', 'That once Im drunk enough Im hanging myself from this perfect hook next to the hotels tv', 'Like right now as a example, that was probably the perfect thing I needed to hear. But its not clicking. Thats the scary part. I could probably make a post involving both sides of my feeling, one bad, and one good. Everyone here on reddit has shown nothing but love but I cant stop fucking thinking about it. I live in the moment, and will never be able to go beyond that. I could have said one word and reached out for help months ago and avoid 95% of the shit thats going on right now. But I let it snowball and snowball. I feel like a robot, everything you said makes sense to me, but -and please dont take this wrong way- it does not help. Its not your fault, how can anybody on the Internet know exactly my situation without me explaining it all. I cant do that. I feel like Ive heard all the right things fr you and others but tears are still running and the bad thoughts are Tired frontal', 'The way the take care of you is dope you up on drugs to the point where you are psychically unable to do ANYTHING. If you dope me enough to the point I dont know what a knife is, I guess thats help. But my point? They will not be rehabilitate me, they do whats required to get you checked out safely, because then its not their problem. If I went to a hospital with cuts on my wrists, they would stich me up and send me on my way. Its a joke', 'I finished my therapy session. It went really well. I was blaming myself for a lot of things I shouldnt be. It made me feel a little bit better so Im going back for sure. Im still a little unstable though I have these waves of emotions that try and drown out everything she told me..but its only been one day. I wouldnt say im cured, I still have dark thoughts. But I like her and I can talk to her whenever so thats sort of a relief. ', 'I only posted her name because she went beyond the generic responses and even gave me her number. Its hard to imagine getting help from simple words but she actually made me thin. Its awesome that her, you, ad others are here for help, but I cant have 100 convos going while trying to drink and die lol', 'If you cant make an attempt to create some sort of kind words then make your own post. I dont want another persons guilt and Fear here, it really isnt helping me knowing I have you right by myside, bringing us both down. Thanks for saying you dont want me to feel bad, but given what you said before, your words hold no weight', 'Well il find out soon enough if the maid finds me still alive. Im going to post here if I live, and I will be giving you credit, you are the only one who has given me advice to think about. On my thread the deleted comments come from someone who asked me to do it for their entertainment and I momentarily lost faith in talking to people here. Its cool to know people care, I just dont think it will be enough. My name is Benjamin David young/edmonton alberta. Once Im gone, please try and get ahold of my family so you can explain what I went through. You seem to legitly concerned. It would do them good to hear about it from a third party perspective.', 'If he was close to 27, i dont think he would have specified he will do it at that age. He would just say hes going to shoot himself. Given the subreddit he was on, I wouldnt put this past just being some bullshit. Ive read a buuuunch of posts like this, posted some myself. Something about the way he words it make me think hes not being truthfull. I will send him a serious PM and see what kind of response I get. i could be totally wrong but i trust my gut.I wouldnt loose sleep over him. People in /rsuicidewatch could use people like you right now, focus on them.', 'Another thing: after my two failed attempts and sitting in my parents guest room; I have not received a hug, have not been told Im loved, have not been asked if Im going to be ok. I havent eaten since they got me (2 days) and the only thing my mother has said is "you should eat something" without even looking at me. I said Im fine so she went out for a smoke. I know what I put her through is horrible but Im still pretty fucking unstable and if shes mad at me she should try and at least hide it cuz its only intensifying my feelings', 'Yea whatever reddit works fine. I cant believe I fooled everyone, I even got the cops involved in a big talk about MMA that tottaly pushed the focal point off me. As for doctors? You kidding? I basically said sorry and it wont happen and they let me go. I even got a ride back to my hotel from the cops. Good thing they came lol', 'Im a good liar. Its the only reason Ive made it so far lol', 'I need several million dollars. Only way to prevent it from happening 20 years from now as supposed to today', 'Thanks, but only I know how I feel as Im sitting this this hotel. The only thing Im Worried about is the maid comming in to early. All the "concerned" phone calls ended awhile ago. Im not hopin to be rescued, but shit, I think everyones attempt at reaching me lasted 3 hours. I could call someone right now and be dead before they eventually made their way over here. They all think Im just being a brat and runnin away, I dont think the word suicide will cross their mind until a few days have passed. A lot of people would have killed to have my life without making the mistakes i did. lets give them that opportunity.', 'Bedsides from getting a police baton to the side of the head Im fine', 'Thats true, but I also have a cop on either side of me. I think whats going to happen is 1. Hospital says ImNot a risk, cops take me to jail. 2. Hospital considers me a risk and I stay here until Im "healthy" THEN go to jail. I shoulda ended it when I had the chance', 'I do not think the majority of people here can offer you the advice or help you need. Im so sorry youve had such a life, you sound like a strong person. You need to seek out professional help, people here can only offer words and you need much more then that. I and Im sure other, will be more then willing to talk to you if your bored or feel lonely, but please seek help beyond here.', 'Life', 'A hot shower. My life is a pile of shit and I have about 4 1/2 hours before I do this, and you say take a shower. That may work with somebody who had a bad day, not a bad life. Why dont you delete this comment like you did your others. I feel bad your in the same Pain I am, but trust me, your really not helping me here. Go talk to somebody whos stable because you do not know the right things to say to me. Does anybody? Who knows, but I know you dont', 'She called the cops on me twice saying she was my girlfriend. If she had not got my location and called the cops I would probably be in a coma. Thank you Cosmiiaaa', 'Says you', 'Because people only give a fuck about you when your dead. Dont tell me you would want to hear about my life if I wasnt Suicidal. Im not trying to be a dick, but you cemented my feelings of people only wanting to hear about others troubles for their own interest. The only person who will care will be me when I decide to take the final shot into the afterlife', 'Im hitting that point bud. Tried twice in the last two days to end it. Hospital stay, cop car, mom and dad, all that bullshit. I really just dont give a shit anymore, I spent sooo much time and energy preparing for my death in that hotel. When I woke up, I broke. My dad made me a therapist appointment tonight and Im just gunna tell him what they want to hear so I can leave. Wait till my parents fall alseep and drink myself to death. Or not. Who gives a shit lol', 'I texted u', 'Haha. I made a post to suicide watch titled "cosmiiaaa actually cares" as a way of thanking her for saving me. I also sent her a PM (private message) thanking her in further detail. i was just trying to show you can do some real good here.', 'Im a good liar', 'Failure to appear, suspended license, basically all traffic stuff. But they deff have enough to put me in jail. The cops are nice but the hospital staff are dicks Im sitting here awaiting my fate when I just wish I could be dead', 'Im not arguing with you, Im trying to point out a different way of looking at things. If I was arguing, I would have chose my words a lot differently. But you dont seem to want to be told you can make it through this yet. Hopefully in time you realize the point I was trying to make', 'All good, just be careful when you give advice', 'Oh well', 'Possibilities: girlfriend already said she never wants to see me againParents: dad will prob punch me and mom will refuse to let me stayPolice: I will be put in jailHospital: ill be treated then put in jail', 'Oh I see. I havent eaten in 2 days comming up on 3. Im litteraly not Hungry and I couldnt force myself to eat right now if I tried. My feeling are only being sub-sided by talking here. I dont have a person who will actually listen to me. Well I guess this therapist might but I doubt ill feel any better tonight. I need a fuckin drink bro. I dont feel like drowning myself but a glass of weisers would do wonders for my head. I thought the "I dont give a fuck" mind state was not good but given my situation, it might save me from a heart attack. Its hard to type my fingers are Tremor ', 'The last thing I want you to feel is gulit. If anything youve made my last hours easier', 'That comment was directed at Eskimo. I was only ever trying to help and he was trying me make me look like an ass. I apologize for offending you that way, I understand its not my place to tell you what you can and cant do. However that is how I feel, and I only expressed that to you as a "wake up call" because I though it might help save your life. I do not think you asking for help was morbid. Thats the right thing to do, and it takes strength. I could have worded it kinder but I felt that if I I was blunt, it might strike a chord. Your life is your own to live, but when you talk a out ending it, conversations might get a little tough you know? Again Im not a therapist, I just tried to help, and Im sorry it didnt work. Please dont give up', 'My gf of 6 years broke half my shit when she saw I left. (When I went to the hotel to kill myself) she thought I was breaking up with her. The last text I got from her before I passed out the first time is " come sign your name off the lease and I hope to never see you again" so I think that ship has sailed. Kind of ironic those were almost the last words I ever read. My support system is crumbled and Im not strong enough to carry on in life alone. The only control I have in my life right now is wether I want to continue it.', 'Help call again ', 'I just dont see how my life can be normal after this. Suicide has been the only thing on my mind for the last 3 months. 2 failed attempts, police escorts, hospital stay, mom who Im sure would help set up my noose, and my dad breaking my heart with what he thinks is care. I dont think my sister knows yet but holy shit is that going to be another wave of emotion I cant handle. If I cant figure my shit out soon, then Im doing people a favour by killin myself. What if I have a wife who dosent work, 3 kids, and a grand kid and these feelings come back. I dont want anybody to get anymore emotionally involved in me because Ive damaged them enough already. And that wasent even enough to change my mind state. Like what the fuck I think I need to be in a padded room or something. I Fear when I get misunderstood that one last time, ill Pain someone else instead of me. I start to feel better, then look at my situation, and add more gulit for trying to brush it off. I dont even know if Im making sense right now', 'Thank you', 'Told u Im a good liar. T-minus 12 hours', 'That seems like a mountain I dont have the gear to climb. ', 'Im not here to talk down your problems. Nobody knows the damage your problems do to you but yourself. That being said, put all your problems in one hand. Put all the reasons you havent killed yourself in the other hand. Which one weighs more? If your problems weigh more then your will to live ask yourself this : if all of your problems went anyway RIGHT now, would you still want to die? No? But whats stopping more problems from crawling into that now empty hand. Will you be asking yourself this question once both hand are full again? Your troubles do not stem from your problems, they come from never being taught how to deal with them. Im sorry if I make no sense, Im suiciadal myself and dont know if any of my advice counts because I cant even follow it myself. Hopefully this is the the only sane part of me trying to break its way through my thoughts of death. Im not one of those people who have a good life and try to show others the light. Im here in the darkness with you, trying to push your ass out of it', 'Losing your girlfriend sucks. I know. Just lost mine of 6 years. Losing your life sucks more. I know. I failed twice and after being revived,i saw a small portion of the potential damage I would have cause if I had died. Now Im surrounded by support an love from people and those on reddit. You can get over her, and get through this. Its gunna take time and effort, but you will be a stronger person for it. Youll be able to conquer anything that comes your way once you push through this.', 'Im in a hospital room waiting to decide if I get released', 'You dont seem to want any advice; but nobody is going to spend a Asthenia with you as you dwindle away without trying to save you. Thats kind of morbid to ask of somebody. I wish you get better and find somebody to spend time with. Hell if your near edmonton hit me up, but dont ask people to hold your hand while you refuse their help before ending it all. I dont even know you and I want to save you. You need to understand there are people around you that can make you feel better. You have to make the step to reach out to find them, just like you did here...kinda...It dosent seem like you want any advice on your feelings, so I wont give any unless you ask, just do me a favour and make it your goal to find somebody to confide in about this.', 'If I make it through this ill be a broken man', 'Ill take you up on that if Im alive tomorrow ', 'Where do you live? Just wondering about your surroundings.', 'Just took the pre-dose and gravol w/ tums. As soon as I feel them kick in ill be taking the big dose. Goodnight', 'Having trouble seeing straight m, time for the final slam. Thanks for the entertainment youve given me. laugh that made each day a little less shitty. Its a shame Im unae to help myself. My heart has finally stopped racing for the first time in months. Im free', 'Well it didnt work Im back in the same room about to fall alseep forever', 'The shit is was scares me', 'I have a few rap songs on youtube under the channel "W0rdbigbird" the "o" is a zero', 'Ugh head spins too much, must drink more until complete pass out', 'That sounds like a nightmare', 'Im not a therapist, I dont have multiple methods of advice giving that I can appropriately apply to somebody I dont know. I was being kind ad speaking from my heart, and it didnt work. I refuse to feel like an asshole for trying to care, because it was unheard and misunderstood. I can only hope somebody knows the right things to say. Dont be-little me for trying to help the only way i know.', 'Benjamin David young. Born at the same hospital as tommy Chong in edmonton. Ive fucked over everyone in my life and take small comfort in people who dont know me, telling me nice things. If you knew half the shit Ive done, you would kill me yourself.', 'Well think of what your asking of somebody. You want somebody to ignore the Pain your in, and go on a vacation with the last of your money. Every day just brushing off the fact that in a few days you are going to end you life. I dont know of any person that could distance themselves from you, not care if you die, and all while trying to make you happy? There are people who want to help you, but you just want their help until your done with them and then die. Morbid. There are better ways of handling your problems. Im a suicide surviour myself, and probably know you a lot better then youd like to believe. Find the strength to ask for REAL help. If you found somebody to do this with you, that would just be one more devistated person you leave behind. Im trying not to come off as an asshole and Im sorry if I upset you but this is what you need to hear.', 'Oh ill get rest dont worry about that', 'U from alberta?', 'My phone is about to die. You will be the first I message when I get aChance ', 'I made her this post cosmiiaaausername_actually_caresAnd sent her a nice long PM', 'Im talking to people on reddit because they dont judge. Yes there is a future for me, but its pretty bleak at this point. Gf of 6 yrs I was going to marry left, and ill forever be the pussy black sheep of the family. Everyone around me will be walking on eggshells and constantly trying to avoid saying things that might push me over the edge. Doesnt sound as appealing as a rope right now lol', 'I tried eating a sandwich and started Crying after one bite...Wtf.. It feels pointless putting anything inside me. Im going to try and watch a movie or something. Hopefully my parents will let me use the tv alone for a bit. If not ill just try and take a nap. My head is racing bad I need to stop thinking about shit for awhile. Ill message you later. Thank you', 'Sunshine ', 'Why should I not kill myself. Spare me the usual bullshit of why y loved ones love me. It dosent help because its not true. Im loosing time before ill be kicked out if here I Fear I dont have enough booze. Im too pussy for the bag. Wtf do I do', 'Dont feel guilt, its all I ask', 'The hospital and the staff was absolutey terrifying. I rather die in a hole then in that place with drug addicts and annoyed staff.', 'Shit man What about therapy? I just had my first session today after my attempt and it really helped. I cant imagine your Pain but do you think talking to a professional in this field would help? You said you have nobody to talk to..Im here man, if you want to vent or whatever just message me. Message everyone, there are tons of people who will do whatever is in their power to cheer you up :)', 'Im down a Mickey of weisers, a 2/6 of wisers, and a out half way down a 2/6 of captain moes, Im the best dam texter you every seen', 'Why not', 'I have warrants. I dont know if they will just give me a notice to appear or throw me in jail. I dont know what will happen to me if either happens. This confirmed my life is fucked', 'Yea, "IF" I get through this ill either be on a lifetime sucicide watch from everyone I know, or ill have to leave my old life behind and start a new one just so I can have people that trust me 100% . I rather just end it', 'Dot hold yourself responsible. Im just saying all my "alternate" options lead to bad news', 'If your so concerned about what will happen in real life how about you leave me the fuck alone because youve already made me cry and I thought I got all my tears out over the last few weeks. I guess I forgot people on the Internet dont give a fuck', 'Im doing whatever I can to get the fuck out of this place. Twice as depressing as my hotel room. I dont even know if Im going to jail', 'Man hates life. Man tries to OD on pills and booze, fails. Goes buy more booze, plan to finish it, once Im drunk ill find something to hang myself with. I hope at least your interested was filled.', 'Oh it will, I just received a death threat from my gf and she never wants to see me again. Im sure one from the parents is comming. Im just trying to make them happy the only way they have expressed would.', 'Ive basically done the ultimate betrayal to everyone in my life. You know that "one thing" your buddy would do that would make them want to kill you? Imagine doing that to everyone you "loved"', 'Didnt watch, sorry. I really dont care, I cant care about anything cept talking to some people before I die', 'I offered my help, I just didnt sugar coat it. I told him what he didnt want to hear and its being taken as a attack. I clearly care but do you honestly think the right advice is "yea ill come get drunk in a hotel with you and then let you kill yourself!" Its frustrating when Im putting my energy into trying to help somebody and people mis understand it. "Way to go" are you trying to pour guilt on me? Im trying to help but I guess my words dont make sense with you two so maybe you can talk to him better then I can. Forgive me for trying to discourage a suicide', 'Im from canada as well. I was sent to the hospital already in a cop car the other night.hospitals. Dont. Give. A. Fuck. As long as your vitals are fine youll just be sitting in a bed listing to more depressing shit going on around you. Im a compulsive liar. There is no way in hell Im reaching out to my mom, I dont need to hear about how shitty of a son I am for putting her through this. My dad cares but hes tottaly clueless on what to do, cant blame him though. I think if I opened up to him he would try and give me money or something material to make me feel better. Every crisis Ive been through my dad just immediately paid for it, I have no sense of value of money. Wow saying that out loud makes me feel like a even bigger peice of shit lol. Im going to a therapist in 3 hours. Hopefully I dont lie to him, its really the only thing Im good at.', 'You may be having fun I the hospital but what about the people who are not in there with you. I do not intend of making you feel gulity but while you were entertaining yourself, others were beating walls over what youve done to them. THATS the nightmare. A hospital stay sounds far from a vacation to me', 'You cant say "no worries about me hurting people" if your still committed to doing it. Im not trying to guilt trip you, but what you plan on doing will Pain those you love more then youll ever know. For the rest of their lives. Even me, if I somehow found out that you carried through with this, I would be devistated. Dont think your problems will burden your loved ones, it will bring you closer to them. They will feel loved and appreciated that you trust them with this. If you do not have that support system available in your family, find it here. Find it in therapy. Just start looking', 'Right I never put those two together. Ive sent him messages. I personally think hes doing it for attention. Which is ok, maybe he needs that attention in his life. But its not fair to try and get compassion or whatever from people who care becAuse they think hes about to die. There are people who pour their heart in soul into these things; hes offering 5000 for some to shot him and make it look like a suicide, and hes not responding to the messages hes getting. If he truly wanted to hide his suicide he wouldnt post it on fucking reddit. And if he was in immediate danger and Pain, he would be responding to each message he gets. I could be wrong but It all just seems fishy to me. Edit: typed would instead of wouldnt. And put "because they think hes about to die" to clarify what I was trying to say', 'My name is Benjamin David young. Sister katelynn Dianne young. Father David Edward young. GF Tess Andrea Bouchard. Im at the argyle hotel, about 3 or 4 shots from the hanging edit Karen Dianne young', 'I already survived the plan I made for months. I guess because Im a giant it didnt work. I dont feel that euforic sense of a second chance. I only wish I had more pills', 'I am ', 'I basically lie to tell people what they want to hear. I had my gf, parents, friends all thinking I was a welders helper(when Im jobless) going to school for welding, and never need help from anybody. Theres more but its irrelevant right now. I would sit in my car with a bottle looking over a bridge debating if I should drive off it; while everyone thought I was at school. You can imagine how many different and daily lies you need to tell to keep that shit up. I dont know how to be honest, especially when my true feeling are changing every five mins. Do I tell this therapist I want to jam his pencil in my neck? Do I tell him I think my mom is a peice of shit and being around her is not healthy for me? Probably not, ill probably just say all the right things and have him wondering why I even came. Like when people call themselves compulsive liars, they do it for a reason. I lie Easier then I breath, its like when Im confronted about my emotions my brain goes to defence mode and blocks everyone out', 'Dont go away

Attempt

and for the most part they do hell its just think of dealers as exotic pharmacist ', 'luck bitch slapped and left me behind long ago', 'try me ', 'there is no point of existence or bothering to survive ', 'i have already tried meditation its part of my spirituality but i see myself as damned so nothing matters i linger on nothing changes and i know that one of these days the loneliness will break me i appreciate your advice but im sorry it does not help', 'i bought the wort we will see how it works...', 'im not dead yet but sometimes one needs a distraction and thats what drugs where to me and the growing scar on my wrist is and now my twisted logic says if one is good both will be better', 'i wouldnt even really know where to look for one and i am not Tired mobile i can barely afford the Excessive upper gastrointestinal gas to get to and from work that is one of the reasons i decided to post on reddit i spend most of my down time online already', 'perhaps i am ill give you that but it changes nothing about my perspective on life', 'im allergic to weed and as for my mother i have distanced myself from her so if i break i hope it will not Pain her so much and as for changing i have tried but the sorrows and my past are always just below the surface and one little word spoken by the ones that dont understand brings it all back no matter how good of a mood i achieve hell it happened just before i posted this i was smiling having one of my better days and the guy i live with said one innocent thing and i was ready to die in an instant', 'Death is the great liberator he frees our souls i Fear him not in fact i think in know him well i crave his embrace to free me from this hell', 'i wrote it years ago 06 i believe so my hate has faded to Depression ', 'this is so true if only they knew ', 'for all my honour life has done nothing for me all i ever wanted is simple enough but alas it is never to be mine', 'im not sure it would help my issue is im alone despite having people who care i dont have a partner and they dont matter much to me due to this im fucked up in that i cannot feel complete without someone in my life and with every passing day i become more convinced that i will never find someone thus i see death as liberation ', 'im alone ive been rejected so any times in just to Tired to keep trying ', 'ill try but i still want my roommates nuts', 'i have been kicked by to many Christians and the Muslims i have encountered my opinions are based in experience ', 'unhealthy yes it is but it is what fills my time i live in the past for the most part which is a part of the spiral of sorrow and Depression i have i remember everything and it haunts me every hour i mentioned shit im not proud of doing but did not elaborate so here it is when i say 2 years ago is when i fell it is because 2 years 8 months ago i turned to pills and started self medicating so when i lost them i crashed i thought they would make everything better instead they just postponed it all and when i was sober it hit me and i have never recovered', 'In my Weakness of hand i hold a roseit is not white for i am not innocentit is not red for i feel not lovefor it is black the color of my hearti wished for love once but now i am wiseri wished for lust but the fire is fadedbut most of all i wished for you my beautiful onebut now i am beginning to see we will never benow i hold my rose looking to its velvet darknessthere i find peace and the knowledge of the dark truthi still love you or do i know even howfor a darker truth stillhow could i ever truly love anotherwithout first learning to love myself', 'meh you will hear from me before then i dare say anyway night ', 'i understand how you feel im gay and i spend time thinking about dieing i have stood on bridges watched semis done drugs mixing uppers and downers its kind of surprising im still alive i cant tell you it gets better but i can say that just existing sucks.......i hope you find happiness friend', 'to late any ha yes lets bake cookies as if im not fat enough still it hurts i can not bring myself to cut to deeply', 'i have come back before ive done it when i droped the two i went looking for a new friend not part of that life a new guy at work i helped seemed coolthen he breakes out a pipe as well i cant escape it i try and there it is again its almost comical how closely it resembles a greek tragity and yes my death would Pain them but logicaly i cant help but think it would be less and far easier to handle than what a lifetime of what ive managed in 24 short years', 'you are not alone who ever said it is better to have loved and lost is a callous b***h but it is not over for every door that closes three more open im right there with you i spend alot of time thinking about suicide i went thru a bad time with drugs but i have cleaned up i have made a few friends and they r there when i need them it can get better and it does i agree with amputeenager go to a few 12 step meetings find people who understand and with them by your side it wont seem so hopeless ', 'thats the problem ive been Depression for over a decade and have had no happy moments that have inspired me to write just my misery and ive forgotten how it is to live without it', 'Ive waited years already this is not a new mindset for me its just getting worse', 'i kept myself drugged up on every narcotic i could for 6 months it didnt help and i do not have much hope for this', 'i do this every day at work and with my room mates', 'Im right there with you bro only the drugs i did and am tempted to get back on are far more dangerous and could kill me on accident but them again that was the original point it just shows how bad im getting that im considering doing them again', 'i doubt it and i would never tell any of this to my job i cant afford to get fired', 'no i do not Im Tired alone i just have my straight roommates who dont understand', 'yes it gives me a massive Migraine and i feel like shit for a Asthenia i was a pill poper and i have smoked other hard drugs but cant smoke weed i am probly going to repeat this pattern with cutting mixed in im just waiting for him to not be around', 'dont smoke weed but drink yes please', 'all i do anymore is think about my reality and how others see it i have talked many long hours with them i can see their view but none of them can see mine im just so Tired its not worth it anymore my joys in life are gone my sense of humor has gone to dust nothing changes and i only get worse', 'is your friend mike a druggie i was and am still tempted to do it again and so many guys......its one of the loneliest feeling in the world to be standing up while everyone else is sitting down i have been myself and went for what i wanted......you can only take disappointment so many times before you break', 'it leads to a loss of joy even Feeling unhappy leaving only madness ', 'who? ive always been distant from my family and now ive purposely estranged myself from them my one and only true friend and room mate the only reason i havent yet self destructed is having heart surgery tomorrow morning so im not asking him for help im letting him do what he needs im proud and it will kill me i think and humanity is evil truly compassionate people like mother Teresa are maybe once a century others are false saints who just want the adoration ', 'yes and nothing changes just as i have stated', 'Well even if i was willing i live paycheck to paycheck and have no insurance i have tryed talking to my friends but none of them get it hell i always was the one helping them and now that im fallen i have no one to turn to', 'fuck it im going to finish my beer and see how far i can go', 'your not the only one', 'never view anything as nonsense or useless after all you learned that it does not work and such experiences are the beginning of wisdom', 'honour is dead ', 'ya i know that one but is sucks so much to do', 'i am everything i never wanted to be i was a drug addict i self medicated mixing uppers and downers trying to kill myself i failed obviously i have promised a close friend i wouldnt do it again but i have im failing miserably at quitting smoking i wear my past on my sleeve which im pretty sure has scared off the perfect guy i cut myself recently and im pretty sure im going to do it again all i want at this point all i deserve is to die i would prefer to go in my sleep but that could take years but im to much of a coward end it myself i dream of waking up in the emergency room and hearing "hes not going to make it" this quote sums it up / No more joy - No more Feeling unhappy - No emotion - Only madness. I cant see. I dont feel. I cant touch. I dont heal.', 'what is st johns wort exactly ', 'if my mother lost me she would not be far behind me i dare say but i have spend considerable time distancing myself from her (moving to a different state and not really calling helps) to try and protect her from my Depression and i hate my existence ', 'Im considering ending my life tonight and am sharpening my knives anyway i hope you survive try and find something to cling to....but take my advice and dont make it someone u love or like me your heart will be taken away', 'yes i have more im going to post when i have the energy', 'just poetry and none of it happy', 'i love and miss the worst person that ever influenced me i love and live with the best man ive ever meet i would be with forever if he was gay and now all i have is the worst and will embrace it to kill myself by ODing on it i think ive gone past being Depression into pure self destruction ', 'ya been on one for over a year only one guy who is under 50 has talked to me and he flaked out and as for the focusing ya i know its a bad idea but he is perfect and im pretty sure he was kinda interested until my damned roommate decided to open his mouth trying to "help" me (i just wanted someone to talk to while i took it slow getting to know the guy) after that it got weird so idk i personalty think that when he found other people knew he got scared', 'Hope is worthless all it causes is suffering and everyone is suffering in some way', '6 months i have been this way for years over ten i stopped counting and i know how it feels to be dead inside so dead that lifa and death taste the same to me ', 'then how do you interpret it?', 'that is your right was just wondering why', 'my willpower is not so good i have 4 days off and im Tired much considering getting high and cutting i am a gay guy i live with a guy i really want to be with and every day is another rejection and it makes me worse', 'decided to look at your posts so your a Muslim.........i believe they teach "suffer not the witch to live" and gays are to be stoned to death.....I Tired much doubt you could ever help me with your faith screaming for my death.....you see that would be a conflict of interest', 'mmmm well im 23 if that helps and why u hate yourself i explained myself what is your story', 'I wrote this years ago when i first realized that i was gay and the first guy i was ever with turned out to be a bastard that only used me to get off when his girl was on her period', 'at this rate my roommates hate me i am to much of a downer im going to wait for my day off when they r both gone and see just how deep i can cut sorry but i am no pillar of strength you waste your time on me', 'The world can be cruel but never give up if she dosnt work out keep looking just dont let yourself become isolated ', 'if you want i could post my own poem (well the best one i wrote in my opinion) from back when i still had the inspiration to write but it as with so many things........i just cant find any comfort in it anymore so i quit', 'My mother is worse than i am she could Tired well go off the deep end if i ever told her and we live in different states now', 'but exceptions are made i figured by your user name u where a girl but u used mate im confused i thought that was a word guys used but im not from england so not sure', 'no my favorite poet did http://www.nconnect.net/~cobra/index2a.htm', 'i dont want them to know about my issues and how far ive fallen', 'well its more that without girls i might be able to get the guy i want and be ?happy? maybe so ya if that makes sense', 'no they dont go away they only get worse ', 'another issue im a gay guy and i live with two damned breeders who go on and on about all the girls tey are getting with and it reminds me that i am alone i cant talk to them and about anything so ftw i want to get off', 'yet you choose a faith that hates gays so much there is a group in canada dedicated to getting gays out of its homeland to keep them from being murdered', 'i enjoyed reading, gaming, and writing but the passion has left me', 'i will i guess', 'i have lived in 4 states in the last 5 years i have gone out met all kinds of people loved and only been pithed i am loseing my faith in my gods and with every day im dieing a bit more i was moving going out never sitting still but now i have stopped and cant gather the energy to try again i live with a guy i am madly in love with .....and he goes out of his way to let me know he is straight and im waiting for him to go on his Asthenia vacation out of states so i can get spun out and cut myself without him knowing', 'i reach out here because im close to the day i chose to end myself when i was 15 i decided id wait ten years and next month on august 23rd i turn 25 and ive planned out a OD i believe will end me....im looking forward to it ive meet the perfect person but it will never happen and im done looking', 'i resisted the urge for years and have already started', 'i am not on any meds i refuse to and i dont have a doctor and no insurance even if i trusted them and as for how long i have been Depression 10+ years i dont really remember anymore nor do i care to the weight has just grown so heavy i can barely preform my job i alienate people as far as i can tell and i have met a few amazing guys but here read my first post http://www.reddit.com/r/Depression/comments/tokd5/nothing_matters_life_is_worthless/ the ive done drugs i have cried for help no one hears and no one has really cared', 'arizona is not know for its good medical aid of any kind to its residents', 'everyone i ever gave a damn about and that i ever wanted to be with', 'i am a pagan death to me is peace and sleep with my goddess i long for and pray for death every day this is how far gone i am and from it i do not see a way back', 'Also the main thing that has stopped my Suicidal tendencies in the past is a good friend of mine that i promised i would stop hurting my self and abusing drugs and alcohol in a twisted game of russian roulette i did stop all that but with every passing day i care less and less about keeping my word and he is not here to physically stop me anymore', 'He is a Tired good and decent guy he is what i always dreamed of finding but if he is gay he is not out yet but i know he hasnt been with girls either so idk what to do anymore i have been like this for years and if i cant love myself who will i spend so much time thinking of taking Bobby Griffiths example', 'not as sorry as i am', 'and i do have my own world in my mind the problem is in that vision all i am is lord of misery sorrow and strife sitting on my crumbling throne living in the past no hope for the future.......im broken ', 'in all honesty i dont know anymore', 'i highly doubt that i have looked everywhere i am alone so Tired alone nothing matters', 'i just like getting spun out', 'ten years of talking to all kinds of people across several states and never finding one who wanted to date me but plenty that just wanted to use me and some of the shit ive done to myself drugs (clean right now but it is a daily struggle to stay that way) and other self destructive tendencies i have developed seem proof enough to me... ', 'years and years of disappointed love im alone and i hate it nothing changes and im so far gone in my Depression that i no longer think anyone could ever love me', 'beacuse i know them...her my mother suffers from a Depression that makes me look like a ray of sunshine among other issues...i told her if she COULD i was hurting a little for food she couldnt help and no one could get ahold of her as she lay in bed for 2 weeks feeling like shit SHE WILL NEVER KNOW ABOUT THIS EVEN IF I HAVE TO GET MYSELF DISOWNED and i think i have accepted that i have ruined all the friendships i had formed here im going to do my best to move in the next 2-3 months and vanish from the lives ive affected here without a trace and am considering the life of a hermit from that day on ', 'no more joy no more Feeling unhappy no emotion only madness i can see, i dont touch, i can feel, i dont heal', 'survive is what we have to do and hope something comes along i think it would be better if i didnt live in this damned valley but there is nothing i can really do at this point except talk to people and stay on the hook up site im on hoping for a distraction ', 'the worst part for me is i work with an amazing guy the same shifts and right next to each other he knows i really like him but does not seem to care every night its just another reminder of how lonely i am', 'if you have felt it i am sorry for you i have been the way i am for 10 years nothing matters every time you try you just fall harder it is pure self destruction and loathing in one when all you can imagine anymore is how you want to die and be forgotten......i truly hope you have never felt it', 'No and i will not i refuse to be drugged up in my mind if i can not find happiness on my own terms then it is better to die than have a false joy dependent on drugs......ive done drugs to self medicate all it does is Numbness you it fixes nothing', 'death or healing pills are capable of each the question is what do you seek i wish you luck precious one it is so sad you feel the need for death but i have no right to judge for i am so near that place myself', 'i just slept for over twelve hours and i still feel like shit', 'talk to her', 'with supportive friends and a good atmosphere it helps me but when im having a really shitty day no', 'never said you where only that your chosen faith kills pagans and gays', 'no i have not and i dont think i ever will they will just try to get me on meds i think which is something i refuse to do', 'i chose 25 i gave myself ten years now i have a little over a month till im there august 23 im planning the biggest OD ive ever done ive meet the perfect person but it will never be and im finished ill survive or i wont thats all there is but i dont think i will in my mind its time to end this melodrama ', 'i used to write years ago but it quite helping im focused on the one thing i desire most which is a boyfriend it is what i need to feel complete until then im a fragment and im close to shattering im Suicidal and it should scare me but it does not ill PM you one of my old poems', 'i have a dangerous mentality for extremes my greatest desire is a partner to love and loves me i will literally do anything for the smallest chance i hated drugs swore never to touch them tho i spent years around people who did them yet when a bi guy wanted me to with him and do shit later i threw all my morals out he said it was just for a good time didnt date guys and yet like all people i have a grand potential for bullshitting myself even when i know it will turn me into a monster', 'everyone close to me already knows......ive talked to them all but i am a faggot in a sea of breeders they cannot and i think in many cases dont want to understand', 'If self destruction is an art i was an artist.....not proud of it and thus why im gonna try and not fall back into it', 'I know how you feel but after i always feel like crap for feeling like that without them i would already be dead Ive had to be physically stopped several times Im pissed that they care but happy at the same time the question is which feeling do you like more', 'haha i live in Arizona and no i have not i will not infe3ct them with my darkness i found the perfect guy and i do believe i have lost him', 'I personally believe that Depression is caused by circumstance and not genetics and that kids being innocent as they are pick up on whats around them so if your parents are Depression for any reason it can and will rub off on you ', 'Ive been strong ive keep it together for years but i dont care what they say about hard times now i just want peace no one can fight themselves alone forever a bottle of vodka mixed with uppers is what i more or less live for the nights i cant remember and have no Pain like the one before last ', 'he needs positive people in his life for months ive been thinking that the best thing i could do for him is go separate ways', 'i dont suffer in silence but the guys that are close to me dont understand and they dont want to', 'i dont have a phone but if u have skype i can do that', 'I will be more than willing to listen and to help you as i can i have similar thoughts PM me anyttime', 'im right there with you im just waiting to lose all hope and have a plan of my own', 'there you go', 'i can always try well friend i must sleep for work and let me know if u did want me to post a pic and give me your opinion.....i think im ugly as fuck', 'i know how you feel i always feel like it would just be better to go into a Coma and never wake up', 'i remember each and every man i have ever liked i have never gotten over any of them how will this one be different Im pessimistic cynical and Depression who the hell would ever want to be with me i spend so much time praying in the shadows of my bed before sleep to die i do it every night Im lost', 'i get paid in a few days ill see if there are any health stores near me i guess', 'yes i am but that would require energy im just fine fading away like i am slowly doing', 'well as a gay man i find the (no homo) crack annoying but as i have myself pondered suicide all i can offer you is find out how serious he is and if she breaks up with him be there for him i would probably be dead if not for a good friend of mine who didnt let me out of his sight for a Asthenia when i had a breakdown i hope this helps', 'i refuse to see a doctor or therapist in my eyes if i cant find happiness on my own terms i would rather die than be a anti-depressant zombie and its not lack of people who care that is a issue i just hate being alone its my greatest Fear in a way so many years i have been this way', 'hope is the first step on the road to disappointment and i have suffered to much in these last few years i just feel broken unable to love myself ', 'im not a gambling man and im curious are u a guy cuz call me an ass all u want i have a pathological hatred for all girls my age i see them as the root of my sorrow no offense intended', 'and dude my loneliness and Depression are not from lack of friends or people who care its loneliness of a different sort that is eating me alive', 'the fact that we dont shows we are good', 'sex drugs and rock and roll......ya i still cling to hope', 'your moving to the states why this place sucks ass i would love to be in england and no they will noy so many of my peers are so happy im just a black sheep', 'I know your Pain they look at me but they dont see me they dont care and they dont want to', 'i cant smoke weed i have a chemical intolerance to THC so ya what i did was a lot more intense but it made me happy a false induced happiness maybe but its better than misery my friend which has been my one constant companion for so many years now to quote godsmack serenity "where do we go when we just dont know and how do you relight the flame when its Common cold why do we dream when our thoughts mean nothing" i am nothing......my roommate who i wish was mine does not help.......he really tries but he does not understand how', 'the places with good memories are in different states food has lost most of its appeal to me i only eat now when my body demands it and looking is no fun it is a reminder of what i dont have', 'well i am on several dating sites 2 are exclusively gay the other is not they are gay.com adam4adam and i also use plenty of fish so that is one i have tried in the year i have been on them only guys old enough to be my grandfather have tried to pick me up and im not going to drink and pop to kill myself im gonna do it to drown my sorrows for a few hours and the chance of death well i have high tolerances and have done much worse than what im planning.....do you want to see what i look like? i personally think i am ugly as fuck', 'Depression becoming indifference i know your Pain im there myself give it a year or two and you will no longer care just dont become as Suicidal as me or as i see in no longer caring if your dead or alive', 'and a note i just got to listen to another of his "raps" that he thinks will make me laugh but makes me want to throw myself in front of a semi ya life and hope is soooooooooooo grand.....not', 'do you have anything against gay people?', 'im high as a kite and drunk right now playing with my knife and there is a loaded shotgun in the house....im always right i predict months in advance what will happen how it will end but still i try until the last bitter note my ability to read between the lines is amazing i notice and remember everything and worse i can put it all together no matter how thick the lies and bullshit are i am a ordained priest dedicated to truth....and i have it but the truth can be the most terrible burden of all my passions are my demons and they are like a quote i love so much "three passions simple but overwhelming strong have governed my life the longing for love the search for knowledge and unbearable pity for the suffering of mankind" but a damaged person who cant save himself is powerless to save others ive failed my calling and long for the peace of sleep in my goddesses arms', 'it is not i have become empty and i just dont have the power to change it', 'how can you i dont even believe in myself anymore', 'i would almost welcome it i feel so alone they do not get it breeders never do', 'well i dont think the OP will listen if he is anything like me....im also like you the only reason im alive is friends that stopped me when i was using so many pills mixing uppers and downers chasing them with alcohol with the intent of killing myself they would wrestle my shit from me (they always where watching me after the first time i tried and almost succeed judging from how slow my heart rate was-one of them was a CNA) my heart Pain me every day now at some point so im pretty sure im close to a heart attack i am just waiting for it and unfortunately for many sex is the coping mechanism without it Depression gets worse....i personally have given up on life i hang around cutting when it gets to bad waiting for something to change but it never does im still waiting for the "it gets better" but i dont think so im nothing and the only question left is will i finish it myself or just fade away', 'he dosnt understand or have any idea how to help i am set im hoping he feels regret about that when the ground beneath me is stained scarlet', 'im afraid of falling apart completely', 'ugly you cant have anything on me i think and drugs well i know that path all to well and trust me it is not worth its the drugs are a dam and when you run out of them it sucks everything crashes down on you PM me if you need someone to talk to i have never had a relationship and i know how bad it can suck to be alone', 'doubt it i have traveled far and wide lived in many places im done looking', 'o i try and there are no gay places around where i live i have checked so im kind of isolated and i dont think me and him would be drama hell with the way whores treat him i dare to say i would be a vast improvement for him but......you can lead a person to water but you cant force them to drink...', 'im not a social person i have considered doing what you say but it is beyond what i am capable of i know you are trying to help me but fuck im just not able to help even myself all i can do is wait and hope while resisting my self destructive tendencies which is to tell you the truth a battle i am swiftly losing instead of that wort im planning on buying some pills and vodka im sorry......even tho i have never met you know that i appreciate your talking to me and love you all the same for it', 'im just Tired used to rejection it is one of the leading themes im my life', 'i daresay i have made an ass out of myself again well damnation i not suprised well i work nights so long', 'No one is waiting for me im far to gone in self loathing if i cant love myself how can anyone love me or i truly love them that is one of the darkest truths i have discovered ', 'my knife is sharp i literally am holding it to the arterie in my neck believe me im thinking......and im finding no reason to continue', 'no problem', 'i have spent years looking and your right how could you relate i am a gay man im alone all the lovers i have ever craved have had no time for me i have spent the years in thought and it all comes to the same conclusion ', 'same here i just dont want it to be old age ', 'ive moved all around the country already and its all ended up the same...', 'its his mind and personality that make me want him sex is easy finding someone you want to spend years and possibly forever is not', 'im well aware however even the temporary escape is worth it', 'im just so Tired of my fate', 'A path to happiness sits not 5 Oedema of extremity from me but so far he does not want me i do not believe Depression is a disorder like they claim but a result of a reality that sucks to endure', 'my brother on spirit but not in blood', 'Summer sucks', 'it has nothing to do with a break up im just a gay guy in love with my roommate its the years of never having ever dated and being completely alone in this way that is killing me', 'you just need to get out hey hell im 23 and have never dated if you want the story check my post just dont give up trust me it is not worth it find out where the clubs are you dont have to go out and get drunk just see whats happening and meet people http://www.reddit.com/r/Depression/comments/tokd5/nothing_matters_life_is_worthless/ ', 'you recovered tho may the gods smile on you me tho well i think im to far gone there is little of me left i can no longer even write my poetry.....i just cant summon the words anymore......all i want all i deserve is to die ', 'friends and family ', 'after years of being like this the few i open up to dont get it and im Tired so Tired Tired', 'id like to see a doctor but the nearest clinic for broke non insured people is 50+ miles i only have a bike so im stuck with the exotic pharmacist ', 'how can you help are you even gay??? what frame of reference do you have', 'you and every other stoner i have met who has that suggjestion and belive me i have tried all kinds of plants but the effect is always the same....i am nothing anyway why try anymore', 'you can PM me if you need someone to talk to', 'but no relationship at all......i completely hate my life and it never seems to get any easier ', 'im a 23 year old gay guy myself if you want to talk PM me', 'there is none to give im lost to far gone ive fallen i know this all to well i exist but do not really live anymore im a sad pathetic creature ', 'well the thing is smoking weed only gives me a massive Migraine and the worst hang over i have ever had', 'might as well im a 23 yr old gay guy i have never had a relationship the guys i like are not interested and i can honestly say i do not care if i live or die its the same to me my days are filled with work and when i get the hell out of there i let my Depression consume me im broken beyond repair i look forward to nothing the small cut i keep making makes it all go away for a little while and that is all i can hope for physical Pain is nothing its my mind that is in agony', 'I know exactly how you feel i used both drugs and alcohol trying to off myself and i still have not forgiven myself for what i put so many good friends thru the best advice i can give you is find something worth it to you dont end up like me dont let the guilt feed your Depression and become completely alone ', 'friend i have a cloud of my own i believe the gods have forsaken me i am a Suicidal person i have a growing scar on my wrist from where i cut the same place all the time it where the gloves i wear at work hide it so nobody sees dont end up like me find your way survive let your life be you dream it may be to late for me but it is not for

Behavior

This is the worst kind of Pressure anyone can deal with. Straight up, your mother was wrong and extraordinarily selfish in telling you that the only reason the marriage was holding up was because of you. Coming from a divorced family though, I will say I can understand why she did that; she was feeling hopeless and alone and needed some kind of rock in a storm. Unfortunately, you ended up being the rock. A Fear of failure is totally justified, but failure is the *best* way to learn in life, because youre able to process what happened and how youre able to fix it much faster than if you read about it in a book or from another third party. People do say that college/uni can be life changing, but some of us, myself included, are just late bloomers. Ive been in a community college for 4 years now and Im only JUST now finding things Im passionate about. If I were to focus only on what I assumed people expected of me, I would have been a totally different person than I am today. Your body is a complex piece of equipment and if you feel this downtrodden, have you considered seeing your schools psychologist? You can give a pseudo name if it makes you more comfortable and its usually much more affordable than someone off campus. Your parents, no matter what, want you to be happy and healthy more than anything, have you considered talking to them about this Pressure you feel? Im sure it would help you get a good stance as to where you should go from there.', 'Im so sorry youre going through so much Pain right now. For what its worth, Im 21 and have never kissed a girl or have had sex yet, so youre not alone there. Since youre definitely interested in losing weight, one of the easiest things you can do is cut out soda and other sweetened drinks. I had to stop drinking soda for a year because of my braces and I ended up losing something like 15 lbs in just a few weeks because I didnt have all of those empty calories. I stopped having Headache too (something you seem to have too). I figured out that my body had essentially become addicted to the sugar and caffeine from the soda, so whenever I didnt have it I would end up having these massive Headache and would be in an awful mood until I had one.A really good way to meet people is to start up a hobby or mild sport. I started taking karate earlier this year and the regularity of going to a place where everyone is trying to help everyone be better both physically and mentally is Tired refreshing. ', 'Everyone takes a while to warm up to people :3 Youll get then hang of it!

Indicator

What have you done to try to work things out between the two of you? As difficult as it is, sometimes we need to apologize to the people who are important in our lives even if we dont understand what we did to upset them.You and your brother dont see eye to eye regarding your mom. Talk to him privately and open up. Tell him where youre coming from and how you feel about the things she says and the way she treats you. Try to understand things from his point of view. The only way this is going to work out is if you can be as objective and sincere as possible.', 'Im trying to relate my brothers experiences with what you went through. I know its not the same, but its the best I can do to understand where youre coming from. Even two years ago, there were times when he wouldnt want to go out in public.It was a struggle for my family watching him go through that. Im trying to make sure youre not in the same position.', 'Yeah, it seems pretty common, doesnt it? Everyone looks at other peoples struggles as simple, yet we cant get through our own.No, they look at resumes (which usually includes GPA) at career/internship fair. They also ask you about yourself to see if its a fit. Then ask you back for a formal interview if theyre impressed. Obviously, the interview is a lot more difficult. Target also required me to complete an assessment before my interview. It was 95 questions (no time limit) that included math, logic, and self-image questions. It took me about an hour to complete.A lot of the questions during the interview were behavioral ("tell me about a time you made a mistake"). The questions asked at career/internship fair were situational ("what would you do if you were in this situation...?").', 'Its not about always being happy. Far from it. Being sad is important. Do you watch South Park? [This](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sN6ZgBJOTO4) sums up my thoughts on being sad.Youre still here. You havent given up yet. Thats where your strength comes from. Even if you dont want to practice a skill/hobby or go out and exercise, you have the time for it, just not the motivation. What are your plans for the rest of the day? If you have nothing going on for a few hours, go to the gym or take a run. Focus on seeing improvements over time. Theyll come as long as youre putting in the effort.Dont be afraid to talk to some of the people you run into while youre working out. I know its the internet, but you came to us with a serious issue and you were ready to talk it out; go out and talk to someone about wanting to get into exercising. People love to talk about themselves, ask them what they do when they work out. Itll give you some insight as to how to structure your workouts.Like I said, lifting gives energy throughout the day. [Heres](http://ebm.sagepub.com/content/228/10/1208.short) my source off Google Scholar. Exercise improves metabolism, which increases energy in general. There are other studies out there about how it improves your mood too.I know its difficult to start, especially with Depression. Make a schedule for yourself and stick to it. Not just for lifting, but for everything. It helps you keep track of everything youve done and if you can stick to it, it will help you accomplish your goals.', 'Hey!Whats going on that you have trouble dealing with?My parents have done a lot for me too! I know theyd be devastated also if anything were to happen to me. Have you thought about talking to them and telling them how you feel? I know my parents would do everything they could to get me help, and it sounds like yours would too!', 'If youre in the mood to listen to something, try [this](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ltun92DfnPY). Maybe youve heard it before, maybe not. Its fairly recent. Its not a song, but its close enough. I listened to it on repeat all day yesterday - at least 20 times.', 'Other peoples perceptions of you can be important, but youre placing too much of an emphasis on what everyone else thinks.Youre on the right track by looking for a job. Its not easy for anyone right now. Obviously, try to find work relating to your skills or hobbies, but dont be afraid to try new things and take advantage of other opportunities.Its really difficult to change from "what are people saying about me?" to "I dont care." If you pay too much attention to others opinions of you, youll start to realize that youve wasted your time on people who dont matter.Do the things you enjoy and like-minded people will start to enjoy your company.', 'Im sorry. Im not trying to argue, just genuinely curious. But if you dont want to talk about it, thats fine and I understand.My point in my earlier comment was just that you should try not to judge everyone before youve gotten to know them. We not all bad, and many of us enjoy helping others :)', 'Im Mike. I just turned 21 and Ive lost my friends before too - more than once. I could write a book just about my feelings and emotions when that was going on.The way your stomach turns and eyes flicker when you say something to a friend just hoping theyll acknowledge you, let alone try to talk to you and carry on a conversation. You read into everything they say, looking for an underlying meaning. Looking at their body language for signs, watching them turn away from you or distract themselves on purpose just to avoid saying something to you.It sucks. Were young, and all we want is to be accepted. To be wanted. Not by everyone, just by someone who cares.I dont know how old you are, but when I was 16, I realized I didnt have any friends. It took me four years before I was finally convinced I could disappear and no one would notice.That was during the summer before my junior year of high school. It took me a month of telling myself Im not here for them; Im here for me. I started over on the first day of my junior year. I went from being quiet to talkative. I was in a room with people who I didnt know and who didnt know me. What did I have to lose? Not friends, thats for sure.I didnt set out to make friends. I set out to be happy. I set out to say what was on my mind. To be myself - open and honest. I was Tired of tiptoeing around the people I spent over a decade of my life calling friends and teammates, Worried about their opinions of me.I didnt have to hide myself because I didnt have friends. I had to be myself because I had nothing left to lose.As for your mother, we have more to talk about, if youre up to it.', 'I have the same thoughts, to some extent. I question a lot of my friends motives because I feel like theyre doing something behind my back.But you know that not everyone is out to Pain you - your boyfriend proves that. Its a difficult process, but it might be easy if you lean on your boyfriend and family more than youre used to so you can begin trusting people.', 'I just turned 21 last Asthenia; Im in my junior year of college.Ive got a few things Im dealing with, and coming to this sub and helping people out makes me feel better about myself, in addition to giving me some clarity.', 'You are the female version of me.Theres so much in this story that I can relate to and would love to talk to you about it.Unfortunately, this is not a story I want to share with everyone. Feel free to PM me if youd like. Theres a lot Id like to get off my chest with someone whos in a similar position.', 'I just read up on it on [Wikipedia](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Borderline_personality_disorder); it says your moods can change drastically - there isnt much of a progression from one mood to the other. Im not a doctor or anything though, so I might have read that wrong.Definitely call your doctor to get more info. They understand the relationship between you and the drug better than anyone on here could. That being said, stick around and talk if theres anything else on your mind :)', 'I dont know about you, but when I was in shape, I cared about what I ate in addition to working out. Since I started working out again recently, Ive been a lot more careful with my nutrition. The days I dont work out, I eat like shit.If you want to get back to 220, youve got a lot of work to do. But thats alright. Thats a challenge. Thats what lifes about.When you wake up tomorrow morning, weigh yourself. Whenever you have a break, if its before or after your shift, go exercise for a bit. If you start feeling hungry, drink some water first to [make sure youre not just thirsty](http://www.livestrong.com/article/510463-how-body-mistakes-hunger-for-thirst/). Eat healthy after youve worked out. Try to keep busy between meals. That means if youre not being productive, stay away from food. Work out again if you have the time.The key to avoiding eating too much or eating unhealthily is to eliminate the activities you do that cause you to eat stuff thats not good for you. I used to love eating ice cream when I watched TV. I stopped watching TV and played video games instead. Then I started eating smaller things, like candy bars. Stopped playing video games and started reading. Havent had much of a problem since.Work out every day, as much as you can. If you have to get on the treadmill three times a day to avoid junk food, do it. Put yourself through hell for one Asthenia. Just seven days. Next Wednesday when you wake up, weigh yourself. If that doesnt motivate you to keep going, I dont know what will.', 'Its not fun to go from feeling like youre on the top of the world to wondering why no one seems to care about you.Im 21 also. I broke up with my ex-girlfriend the summer going into senior year. Nearly four years later, I havent dated anyone since. Every girl I talk to is compared to her. A lot of people think that 15, 16, 17 is too young to fall in love. And maybe it is for them. But the purpose of dating isnt to fall in love, its to find what youre looking for.So we broke up three years ago? Im not letting it get me down. Im thankful I had her in my life so I know what is it that I want in a girl. Im not wasting my time going through serious relationships. Im enjoying the time I have with my friends before I meet someone I want to spend every moment with.The things we deal with in our families are what make us who we are. Everyone has had issues with their family to some degree. The experiences Ive had are going to make me a better parent than my mom and dad. No ones perfect, not even our parents. Learn from their mistakes and move forward.Every time you think of lighting up a cigarette, go for a run, read something in the newspaper or online that interests you. Do whatever you need to do to take your mind off of whatever it is thats making you crave a cigarette. If you have time, go to the gym. Make it a habit. Start caring for your body and youll slowly lose the bad habits.', 'Try talking to them about the individual issues you have instead of bringing up the topic as Depression. Im sure theyll try to help you through each of the problems thats causing your Depression instead of trying to tackle the overwhelming problem of Depression.I have trouble motivating myself too. Maybe things would be a little easier if you set simple goals for yourself. Make a list of the things you want to get done, and check everything off the list as you go. Its surprising how beneficial it is to see yourself go through task after task. There are some great subreddits that can help a lot with that stuff too. Check out /r/getmotivated and /r/getdisciplined.But maybe your parents arent the people to talk to right now. Do you have other friends and family you rely on or you feel comfortable talking to who would be interested in helping you?', 'Of course I am.This person has been unsuccessful finding a job so far. Im not telling them to stop trying. They can continue searching in addition to volunteering.Right now, they need someone to talk to so they dont get caught up in their thoughts. In addition to getting references for future jobs, OP is going to meet people who will care about the situation hes in and help him - in a much better way than anyone on here can.A soup kitchen would be the best bet. In addition to being able to eat three meals there, he will network and meet people who have connections to help him find a job.I think regardless of all other options, volunteering is a top choice. However, I would love to hear your suggestion.', 'Im sure you and your friend have tried some of these things, but its important to remind the people you care about of the role they play in your lives.Seriously... sit down and think about what would have been different and what would be different in your life if your friend were gone. Put something in writing. Its one thing to tell someone how you feel, but its another to show them with a hand-written message - something that took you time and effort to complete.For your friends fianc\xc3\xa9, it would be a list of the reasons why she wants to marry him. For you, consider recanting some of the best memories the two of you have.You could also think of taking him to a place where he can help others. I enjoy going to the Animal Protection League, regardless of whether or not Im feeling depressed. By going to the APL, I know Im making a difference in animals lives. It makes me feel better about myself.What youre doing is a good thing. It might be difficult for you, but helping someone in this situation is always a challenge.Good luck and thanks for what youre doing!', 'If youre unsure of whether the people close to you want you around, you need to find other activities that make you happy.When I dont want to be around people, I go to the gym, read a book, watch Ted Talks or YouTube videos to learn something new. Maybe those things arent for you. Maybe youre more artsy and like to draw, paint, sing, or dance. Who knows?Regardless of what it is that you do, the people in your life will come around. They wont be with you all the time, and thats okay - its normal. But while youre waiting to spend time with them, you need to figure out who you are and what interest you. And when they do come around, youll have plenty to talk about.Im a junior in college. I have no idea where Ill be working or living once I graduate. I think I have a little bit more of a right to be more scared than you haha. ', 'Fourteen was a rough time for me too. I moved from a small private school to a large public school for junior high. I was around so many people who I didnt know that I became quiet. I started mumbling too. That was the beginning of me losing friendships.It gets better though! It just takes time.', 'Hey, Im Mike. Im 21 and from the US.I havent been following your story, but I skimmed through your post and comment history to get a better understanding of whats going on in your life. We seem somewhat similar. I come here when Im feeling down to help others. I havent posted - yet. But I start to feel better about myself when I talk to people who are feeling the same way I am.Youve been through a lot more than I have, and youre considerably younger than me despite both of us being young. Its awesome that you found Dante, and that he has given you something to live for! If youre an animal lover like me, you should check out the Animal Protection League (APL). I volunteer there over breaks and I love it. Its awesome to meet and play with the animals; and its bittersweet when they find a home and you dont get to see them anymore. It was my favorite part of being home over winter break.From what I gathered from this post and your comment history, you dont have a place to call home. You have a few options. The first is to talk to your guidance counselor at school. Legally, they need to do something about you being homeless, especially since youre a minor. The second is to go to a homeless shelter and see what they can offer you. I would only do this if youre certain you dont want the school and city to get involved with your familial life. The third option is to keep going to school, get involved with the APL and similar organizations, and make friends with some of the other workers. Im sure they will be able to help you. Its amazing what type of relationship people have who volunteer at the APL. The volunteers I know who are there every day are incredibly close. They are the type of people who enjoy giving back and are connected by their love of animals.', 'Hi! My names Mike. Im 21 and Im also in college.Youre not the only person whos experienced a force relationship. To be honest, sometimes I feel like Im the one forcing the relationship with my family. I also feel like some of my friends are forcing themselves to be my friend.It completely screws up our ability to trust people, doesnt it?When I feel down, I dont turn to my family because I never really have with Emotional upset stuff. I dont turn to my friends because I dont feel like I can trust them and I dont want to come off as attention seeking or whiny. So I come here and listen to other peoples problems. It takes my mind off of my life for a while.I think you need to take your mind off of whats going on in your life and focus on something or someone else. Instead of watching TV, go to an animal shelter and volunteer. Youll get to play with some pretty cool animals, meet people who are genuinely nice, and get away from everything youre dealing with.Dont forget to work at your grades. You want to do college right the first (and only!) time. Work so you dont have any regrets about the grades you have. Its difficult to do when there so much going on, so make sure to get your mind clear first!Youll be fine. I am. Its just another bump in the road. Unfortunately, there are more to come.I hope this helps, and I want to continue talking! I have to get to sleep though. I titled my morning alarm Reply to awaythrow13 :)Talk to you soon!', 'No problem! :)Regardless of how far into college you are, theres always an opportunity to start over. Thats a big task, but I did it three years ago when I started college. If I had to, I could do it again. You get to a certain point when you realize youre not happy with whats going on in your life or the people involved in it, so you slowly change.Join a new club. It will give you new people to talk to who know nothing about you. Act the way you want - be yourself. Meeting new people is exciting. You dont know who youre going to encounter. Even as a junior, Im still attending meetings for clubs I never gave much thought before. Its cool seeing and listening to what other people care about. It takes my mind off of some of the stuff going on in my life.', 'Wow, that sounds terrible :(How long have you felt this way? Are you in a bad place because you feel this way or are you feeling this way because youre in a bad place?', 'What caused you to attempt suicide five years ago?Im sorry to do this at this point in the conversation, but I have to go to sleep. Ill reply first thing in the morning! :)', 'How does your boyfriend feel about this? Does he understand your position? What makes you comfortable having a boyfriend if youre not comfortable around people in general?Sorry if these questions sound harsh. Im not trying to be rude, just generally curious!', 'Why do you think youre ruining everything? I always feel like Im bothering my friends or that they dont want to be around me. Its not fun :/', 'This makes me think of the musical *Rent*. Have you seen it?Has this situation been the only thing that has caused your friend to feel this way or has he referenced suicide in other situations? If this is the only time he has said anything about suicide, I would recommend you guys constantly talking to him through phone, SMS, Facebook, etc. till the situation gets better.Try to make your friendship as normal as possible despite the financial hardship. Hopefully this will remind your friend of what life was like before everyones financial struggles.', 'Glad I could help! Its good to know you got something out of it :)Good luck with everything, and let me know if theres anything else I could do!', 'Im just trying to show you that there are other ways to be happy. Thats all.Tell me about your mom.', 'Good. How are you going to do that? Do you have weights or a gym membership? Or are you gonna start with cardio?Do you need someone or something to motivate you or do you think getting in shape is something youll be able to commit to?', 'Did you have a bad experience growing up that led you to not trust people?Ive had a couple that makes me uneasy around friends. Its not fun :/', 'What is it about being around other people that bothers you? Lack of trust or shyness maybe?', 'I think Im the same way to a lesser extent.I dont want to impose, but I want to be included. I dont want to seem clingy, but I dont want to seem uninterested. I just want friends who care, and for some reason theyre difficult to find.Just do what makes you happy. If youre truly happy talking all the time, but dont want to because you think it will make others not want to be around you, who cares? Do it anyway. You need to find people who genuinely want to be around you, and those people exist, you just need to go out and find them.', 'Hey man! Hows everything going?', 'Sixteen is the age you start to figure out who you are. Your friends are going through the same thing, and you might end up going your separate ways.When I figured that out, I was going into my junior year of high school. It wasnt us going our separate ways as much as it was them not wanting to be around me.Regardless, I had to open up. Without any friends, I had to be myself and find people who like me for who I am. Whats the worst that can happen in this situation? Youre not going to lose any friends if they are distancing themselves from you already.', 'Ive felt the same way more than once. My birthdays this month. Three years ago around this time, I was your age, and in my last semester of high school. It was Friday, February 12 - the night of the Opening Ceremony for the Winter Olympic Games in Vancouver. My parents went out with some friends and I was home by myself. All of my friends had graduated a year ahead of me. I called a couple of them, but it was 8:00 on a Friday night and they were busy with their college lives. Less than a Asthenia till my 18th birthday. I felt like shit.I had nothing to do. No one to hang out with. No one to talk to. I cried a lot that night. A year earlier, I figured out that the friends I had grown up with wanted nothing to do with me. They were nice enough in person, but they didnt invite me anywhere, they didnt initiate conversations, they didnt care. After Crying for an hour, I got on my computer and went to the one place where I had hundreds of friends, all in one place - Facebook.I dont know why I got on Facebook. To pretend I had friends, I guess. After a few minutes, a buddy in my Spanish class from the previous semester messaged me. It didnt matter that all he said was "hey." What mattered is that he said something, anything. He invited me over his place to watch the Opening Ceremony. I was elated. I went from as low as Ive ever felt to being as excited as a little kid on Christmas.So far, that wall of text means nothing to you. But as someone whos been where youve been and is going through something similar now, let me tell you what I wish I wouldve done sooner, eventually ended up doing, and currently wish I could do again...I would live for myself. I know when I was in junior high and high school, all I wanted to do was be *around* my friends. It didnt matter if we were just hanging out and watching TV or if we were going to an amusement park - I just wanted to be with them. One of the things my dad tried to tell me is that people dont just want to be around you because youre you. They want to be around someone who doesnt need to be around them. My junior year, after I figured out no one liked me, I opened up; not in a deep, personal sense, but in the sense of being social. I joined the rugby team, a volunteer club, and a political club. My junior year was the most fun of my life. But once that ended, all my friends graduated. And I was back to square one senior year. I made some friends and ended up having a great time. Then I went to college, and there were so many people to meet and new friends to make. It was wonderful.Ive driven friends off more than once because Ive been clingy - in junior high / high school and now again in college. So once again I try to be quiet and keep to myself. If someone wants to talk to me, they can. But I dont go out of my way because I feel like Im intruding. I wish I could go back to the way I was for that one short year, but I cant. I dont want to start over again. I did it once in high school, I did it again when I came to college - I dont want to do it a third time now that Im almost done with school.So to you, my friend... dont look at this like you have no friends. Look at it like you have every opportunity to go make more. Go do things on your own. Go to the gym, take a piano lesson (chicks in college love piano, by the way), learn programming, join a new club, hang out in your teachers office after school to talk about an assignment or lesson and shoot the shit. Open yourself up to everything. Stop fucking caring about talking to your friends. And when you do, dont read into what they say.By going out and inventing yourself, youre creating an opportunity to meet new people and youre giving your friends an opportunity to come to you asking questions about whats going on in your life. The happiest I am is when people genuinely want to be with me because I make them happy. And I (used to) do that by being someone whos interested in everything and willing to try new thingsI wrote this as much for me as I did for you. I hope it helps.', 'What types of things make you feel better? Even if it doesnt put you in the greatest mood, what lightens your day?Sometimes we have to take a step back from the big picture and appreciate the small things in life.', 'I have a better life than most, but I still have these thoughts. Its not unnatural or uncommon.Youre only 16, your interests are changing, your friends interest are changing, and youre starting to become more independent. Dont focus on the things that are bringing you down, focus on yourself for a bit. Practice a bit more on your own time to prepare yourself for whatever sport you play. If youre bored and have nothing to do, consider getting a job. I was always more productive when I had multiple things going on - school, work, and sports. My days are so crammed that I have to get my homework done at a certain time. There was no procrastinating or any other time to do it.', 'You have a lot of things going on in your life and youre focusing on all of them at once. You need to take small steps and tackle things one at a time. Whats most important to you when it comes to getting your life back on track?', 'Really? Whatd you learn? Id like to disagree, but I dont have much knowledge on the subject.', 'Why does he hate you?', 'Okay. Let me back up a bit then.Do you want to be happy? If it required zero effort and you could simply hit a button to not be depressed, would you do it?It sounds like you would. I mean... youre here, youve talked to friends about being depressed, and Im sure youve tried some other things too.When was the last time you left your house? You said you havent been out of your room much. Leave. Being in that physical setting isnt helping you get out of your negative mentality. Some people go to their rooms to be alone or to think, it sounds like when you go to your room, youre depressed. Get out for a few hours. Make that a goal. Even if you just go walk around town by yourself.Little steps.', 'GPA is the first thing they look at before the proceed with an informal conversation. If they dont like your GPA (or resume) theyll say something along the lines of, "Well Ill take your resume and HR will email you soon." If they like your GPA and resume, theyll carry on a conversation to see if they like you. Youll get asked for a formal interview if they do.It can be a little intimidating depending on what companies youre talking to.', 'I was in a bad mood today and just saw your comment. Made my day! :)Feel free to reach out to me if you need someone to talk to!', 'Of course! Glad to help :)I think if youre still feeling this way, you still havent been able to cope with the abuse you went through. How long ago did that happen? Was it physical or Emotional upset?', 'The choices we make define who we are and make us unique. The goals and aspirations we have make us individuals.Its tough to fail, especially when youre not meeting your own expectations. I know this is going to sound like a joke, but taking those failures in stride and improving from them separates the leaders from the rest of the pack. Depression makes that nearly impossible because you cant see past each disappointment, each failure. Changing that mindset is a difficult thing to do, but it can be done.What are your hobbies? What makes you happy? Try practicing and improving those skills. If you want to do something new, try exercising. One of the best things I did this summer was work out. At 6:00 am every morning, I was on the floor doing abs. By 6:30, I was at the gym working. Id go for 45 minutes to an hour.I did it for three reasons: It got me out of bed every morning, it increases the amount of energy you have throughout the day, and I could see physical improvements over time. The last one is huge. Seeing results, actually being able to look at your improvements, is huge. Id love to go on about the benefits if youre interested. But theres more to talk about.Even if your next goal is not judging yourself too harshly, its a step in the right direction. Buy motivational posters, write inspirational quotes on sticky notes, do what you need to do to surround yourself with what you need to put you in a positive mood.', 'How old is your older brother? Do the two of you get along? What does he think of your mom?', 'Maybe, with time, you could try to let your boyfriend touch you in the areas you dont enjoy being touched. It doesnt have to be planned, perhaps youll be comfortable enough being around him that it will happen organically and you wont even realize it till after it happened.Its normal to not trust everyone, but not every interaction you have has to be deep or intimate. When youre walking to class, smile. As weird as that sounds, just throw a smile on your face as you go around campus and see how people act. You dont have to talk to them, but if you feel comfortable, just say hi. Nothing too meaningful, but its a step in the right direction with being comfortable around strangers.', 'Thanks! I appreciate hearing that and knowing that Im helping you out :)To be honest, I think I do a good job guiding others, but Im not the greatest with my own problems.Im a business student studying operations & supply-chain management. Basically, I want to work in the transportation, logistics, or warehousing fields. My grades are nowhere near where they need to be. I actually just got an email yesterday from Target saying that I didnt get the internship I interviewed for to manage one of their distribution centers.', 'Awesome!There are a lot of great resources, both on Reddit and elsewhere.Check out /r/GetMotivated, /r/GetFit, or /r/GetDisciplined.Feel free to message me if you need any support!Do you wanna keep chatting about the other stuff youve got going on? Id be more than happy to talk everything out!~~EDIT: How do I link to subreddits? Why is it not the same as linking to other sites?~~', 'Tell me about yourself. Whats your name? Whats going on in your life?', 'If you think the diet will be a problem, then try cutting out one junk food every day this Asthenia. You might have to lift a little more to see results, but it will be worth it by day seven.Are you considering weight lifting and walking/running or just one of the two?', 'I just want to reiterate the importance of demonstrating how much you care. Going out of your way to help. Telling them that you wont give up on them and that you dont know what youd do if they went through with suicide.Regardless of whether or not theyre just looking for attention, you have to make sure they know how it would affect your life if they were gone.', 'Im a little different. I want people to feel comfortable talking to me about the stuff going on in their lives. I want to be able to relate to them through the difficulties theyre facing.On the other hand, when I am feeling depressed, I want people to talk to me and ask how I am, but I usually am short with them or dont want to go into details about wh

Supportive

That is a Tired interesting analysis that can be confirmed in many situations.I often think of what happens to persons whom I have, say, played music with. I wonder where they are and what they are doing. Maybe one of these persons is you, but this well never know. I like to think that it adds a touch of awesomeness to the universe.', 'Scholar, eloquent, accurate, enlightening, the kind of posts I could read all day ', 'No problemo.About your mother freaking out, well... thats what mothers do, really.You sound concerned about her feelings. So, its easy to say and probably hard to hear but: better let her freak out now, than leave her helpless and devastated after finding you dead. yeah... I wish I had something more positive to say after that.keep on keeping up. And good luck on your exams', 'It is a fact that we are all going to die someday. But then, lets see it that way: you are going to die someday, so it doesnt matter if we fail at doing stuff. We are just particles among an infinite universe, so lets just try things. Maybe you will.It took me basically every year of school, and 4 years of engineering class (all of which I went through with less than average results), before I actually started doing something I like. you could pretty much be the same kind of guy.tl;dr: we are dust in the universe, it also means we can do stuff without boundaries.', 'There is a chance you are misinterpreting what the others say about your grades. And you might also be misinterpreting the impact of the efforts you are putting into your recovery.>life isnt a competition>re-read this in a couple days>I can tryThese are not words of someone who has lost hope. You obviously know that you are still young, and that no one has it all figured out so early. You can also view your parents attention as an advantage. Its less hurtful than not having attention at all.', 'I like this quote, someone wrote it in a ragecomic but it may come from somewhere else:"Be strong, not for yourself but for those who cant".', 'bipolar disorders are quite common. " 40 % of Depression persons actually suffer from a bipolar disorder which they are not aware of" (translated from here in french http://www.troubles-bipolaires.com/maladie-bipolaire/nature-troubles-bipolaires/definition-maladie-bipolaire.htm)For the suicide part, well... its [/r/suicidewatch](/r/suicidewatch)', 'Ive read somewhere that some ways to commit suicide suggest that you want violence against the ones who are close to you. The methods you describe dont fit in that. They suggest that you want to be alone. Well I think bleepitybleeps advice is good. Youre probably beyond the point where you can heal alone.What happened at the time of your two failed attempts ? ', 'think of it that way: people who think the world would be a better place without them, are the ones that count. btw, I actually landed here because of a silly need to post one of those funny comments like "I can give you eleven good reasons". Then I landed here, I feel bad about it so: no "eleven good reasons" joke. ', 'You are absolutely not a drama queen. No one should ever blame you for needing attention about your Suicidal condition. About that "not urgent" statement, keep in mind that this may mean there are other kids there that are deeper into this, and they require even more urgent care. Which doesnt mean you dont require healthcare yourselfWe can talk, about anything.Are you studying, or in high school maybe ?', 'I can understand that you are uncomfortable with your phobias, there are mechanisms in your brain that, at the same time make your body think they are normal, but can not be discussed with others. So I read that you suffer from Mysophobia. Did you receive any feedback when you created a subreddit?Appart from trying medication, did you attend any seminar or (idk what the proper word is) retreat? That particular phobia is hard to let go all by yourself, washing your Weakness of hand is something everyone actually needs to do...', 'Youd be surprised to see how many people come to think the same way as you do, at some point in their lives.Im guessing youre probably young? Its only my point of view, but you may want to put some perspective: nowadays with technology and social networks, less and less people understand the true value of friendship. Maybe you need to open to new experiences that allow you to meet new people.Another perspective: some of my best friends are people I only talk to once a month or so. But the value is much higher to the ones I see everyday. Doesnt it feel like that for you? ', 'Im trying to think of the best way for you to temporarily find enough courage to get outside your house, but I guess thats an issue you can deal with a bit later. Maybe the best thing is to try to relax, by doing simple things and trying to find the joy in it. Laying back, listening to music, drink some juice, anything really.', 'I imagine it is something hard for you to share it because of the shame you feel. Thats a Tired positive message for the ones who are desperate and I hope many will read your story.>The Depression is Player Two, and as long as I dont give him the controller we are all fineThat made me smile... sort of.', 'wow. vraiment, wow...I just got back from a benevolent project far away, where we celebrated our last day together with the other benevolents, some of us composed "goodbye" songs for each other. So from an Emotional upset point of view, my heart is still widely defenseless, it feels like your music is hitting it like an arrow of love. For that, Merci du fond du coeur.', 'Ok, I see you have already asked for help, and you are aware of the situation and of what is within the range of what you can do. You told us a lot of things about your parents, but few about your friends (or Im sorry maybe I skipped it). Are all your friends involved in psychological/Depression problems, and drugs ?', 'Thank you for sharing this. It is indeed a matter that can affect your self-confidence, and I understand now that it was hard to hear it brought back by that person.I imagine you didnt hit that guy, or reacted violently? Otherwise you would probably have stated that by now. If so, dont you think most people would have done so? At least you were not that guy and thats one more good point.', 'Ill go with the same advice as in the other posts: try to submit your case to bipolarreddit. Ok I understand that you need to keep stuff to yourself. You sound like you are having way too much weight on your shoulders and I think its actually the case. So, about the fact that theres no one around, do you have any family related to your husband (although I understand he may not be the one to help you from your point of view).At that moment, it is too easy to advise to "try to focus on yourself" because you have to take care of your kid. I hope someone comes your way to help you. Maybe, give another shot to groups of other moms ?', 'Ok buddy, Im not that good at English and your message is surprisingly creative and well written. So I think Ill just give it another shot but, got some work to do, but Ill come back', 'Happy birthday!What makes you feel like that ? Were they not with you when you started drinking ?', 'This moves as I am reading it again and again. I hate to say it but if I were in your place, my kid would probably be taken care of by my family, and I would end up lost somewhere miserably.You are strong. You are strong for those who can not be.', 'I believe you are beyond the point of healing yourself all alone. I wish there was something I could do... the more I spend time on this subreddit the less I know what to say.So I guess, really you should be the one talking. Whats your kids name? Is your husband around to help you?Dont worry too much about not having friends, chances are there are some people around you that could qualify as your friends but youve been trying to heal yourself for too long, you probably cant figure that out.', 'I check socrates17s posting activity, hoping to see something. Nothing...I dont think I can read this subreddit anymore. THis is too much to handle and I think some of the regular users have really inspiring discussions. Congratulations to you all for the award the subreddit received this year (which is, I believe, the reason some of us took interest in clicking on it)', 'I just remembered where Ive heard of that at first. The head of Networks teaching area (geez, im too Tired to look for proper terms in Google, im french hehe) in my university used to suffer a somehow-minor case of that same phobia. It was obviously making him extremely nervous, and despite he was not much older than us, it prevented him from socializing. A long time after that, he left the university, joined the family business (energy-efficient house constructing). We kept contact through LinkedIn and he explained me all that stuff. Which he was almost 100% free from.It took him years, and it went better. Now Im not saying it will happen like that. It might be harder in your case. It depends on your entourage, if people are helping you, and if you have to interact with others. But there is a chance you wont keep that forever.', 'Ill try to check your post history. Even if I guess you already tried it, take a breath, have a virtual hug. Its going to be okay.', 'No problemo! That is good news. Based on what others report here when they find help from health facilities, it might be the first in a series of appointments. Dont worry though, and try not to put too much expectations in the process, it just takes time to identify the best way to deal with your troubles. I wish you the best for tomorrow !', 'Cool reference. Wasnt sure so I googled it, but the song came instantly in my mind.', 'Hi, same opinion here.The last advice of Frenchlitgeek is interesting. Try something new, take care of yourself without thinking of the impact on the others, you need to do something for the joy of it. The little things. Put a nice ringtone on your phone, go to the arcade and put some coins into a Metal Slug cabinet, wear a hat, chase a cat in the street etc...', 'I get it, GCSE is the equivalent of what we call the "brevet" in France.I feel truly sad that you are experiencing Depression at such a young age. Id like to tell you that a lot of good things await you in life, but that would be too general and youre probably not in the good set of mind to comprehend that.Is there no other medical facility that you can reach for help in your area? Or maybe non-medical places?Anyway, since you have already made attempts, I think we can both agree that your case is quite serious. But I dont mean desperate, not at all.How are you keeping up at school ?', 'Hi, I sent you a PM but maybe we can talk here if you want to share stuff with others. How old are you ? the ones around you: family, friends, etc ?edit: if its too personal, dont mind those questions. Then maybe, tell us how you coped the previous time, (if I got that right)', 'I didnt know that song. Wow. Ill totally add it to my playbook, sounds easy to play on the guitar.Thank you for that.', 'No problemoTry to slow down on the internetz stuff, even too much reddit can be discouraging. Have you ever thought about trying to write stuff, or to play music? I mean on any other media that a PC, its important to find ways to keep away from it. I dont mean its a bad thing (you couldnt have posted here if it wasnt for the web).Ill be gone, I hope to read from you around some other time !', 'Ow, thats not really what I meant. Its just that you should find specific advice about dealing with the bipolar condition. For every other reason, this was the right place to call for help.', 'Hi. I havent been on this subreddit for a while, so sorry if Im clumsy with my words.Thats a hard part. It might take time for your friend to realize your intentions. Try to think that it doesnt matter (for now, at least) that it puts a barrier between you two. The important thing is the outcome: your friend lives to see another day. 20 is so young.Tell us more about you 2s backstory ? How did the first time around psych ward end?', 'During the therapy, when it did not work, was there actually someone who told you "Im sorry, you probably need something else" or did you end up discouraged and quit ?Lets talk about something else for a while. Anything but Mass Effect 3 (yeah I read some of your posts:) ) for Crying out loud I dont want to know the ending! I havent got the game... yet !Do you play video games, alone or with people ?', 'Lets talk for a while if you want, fellow redditor.As far as I dont know your whole backstory (which I would be glad to hear), your situation seems not desperate. I understand that your brother and mother are here to support you? Im going to throw random questions based on what you said, but if its too personal, dont bother.Does anyone else know of your duality (popular/sort of Depression) ?Are you still in highschool ? (asking because of the "popular" thing... yeah I know, all the knowledge that foreigners learn from tv shows...)For how long have you been drinking ?when did you first started scarring yourself ?I sincerely hope youre going to be okay', 'Having identified that what is keeping you alive, the love of the others. That is a strength, and maybe seeing it that way can be the beginning of something else. Imagine you were in the other position: maybe someone around is having the same thought. "If I kill myself, thinking24 will be devastated". What does it inspire you?I wish you the best', 'I aint no expert here, but I see a few things:Drugs change you, so every occasion when you were on drugs and Pain people you love, didnt count I guess. Or at least that didnt mean you were a bad person, but just lost for a while.And also, you believe in forgiveness. You should be able to forgive yourself.Sorry if this sounds cheezy. I am also a catholic, not Tired active, I cannot understand exactly how you fell because youve obviously been through a lot more than I will ever see in my life. But please tell us more. Maybe about how you imagine killing yourself could be considered a favor to the ones you love.', 'Im so glad and relieved to hear from you. I still believe that in your current case, I dont have much experience to bring and to participate ... but holy molly, paperwork and bureaucracy saved someone today.', 'You have already spent time with the gun in your hand thinking of what you could do with it, but did nothing. Id like to think of that as a strength, its like you know where the boundary is.You have a heart, and you sound Tired humble. I cant help but think that you are the kind of guy who is meant to do great things. You are not the only one unsatisfied with the rules of life, sometimes you just cant decide wether you have to wait for a change or "be" the change you want, I understand its hard.Thank you for sharing your feelings', 'Im glad you are still with us. >im such a fuck up, i cant even get suicide right.Man. Its a good thing it didnt work, I mean like i_am_not_a_liar is saying, you cheated death, so I guess that counts. Try to focus on that positive way of putting it through.Now, I suggest you tell us what the "friend" said to you and give us some context. Because we are perfect strangers and wont judge you, but we will listen, and it will help you vent your state of mind.', 'I had not heard of that Project before, and I think it is a great idea. If I ever find someone with a butterfly tattooed, that will give me something to think about.', '>I am scumRebel scum!Im sorry if that didnt make you smile, I thought it would help if you did.>Im an idiotNo youre not. Look, you nearly havent made a single writing mistake in your message, you probably cant measure how big an achievement this is nowadays. Cheer up, and tell us more. Like, about the talk therapy. Was it conducted by medical personel, therapist, group ?', 'Take a deep breath. Failing at school is something we all go through, dont put too much on yourself about that.How are your relations with your parents? Do you think they would understand and would offer help? If so, it is a good thing you contact them. If you think they would react with violence, maybe ask for a mediators help, go to a hospital. thanks for sharing with the rest of the redditors.', 'You sounded a little bit more positive here... I believe its hard for friends to hear sad stories over again when they have their own problems and are already trying to find interest in stuff. Sometimes its important to put distance with people. People who you consider your best friends, are not necessarily the ones you spend the more time with. So dont feel bad about putting distance, not because they caused it, but because you feel the need to do so.Vent on Reddit ! Thats a good idea. There are some subreddits you might find interest into. I havent seen your comment history or anything, but here it is: Reddit isnt just about funny pictures, fun jokes, news... there are a lot of stuff in here... Have you tried to reconnect with the church retreat you went to ? Or should you consider giving it one more try ?', 'Exactly what he said. It always strikes me to think how much inspiration can come from a Depression state. Thats a cruel aspect of life.I sincerely hope OPs final words were not an irrevocable decision.', 'I sort of dropped out of the social context but, in my days, text meant nothing. Nothing is of equal value to words said face to face. Maybe this has changed but I like to think that, even if texting is now an acceptable way of communication, it doesnt convey emotions.Are you sure you could have said whatever you said in that text, face to face? Also, you are actually regretting it, so it adds up.I know I wouldnt take whats in a text for granted.', 'I dont believe your imagination and creativity are gone. Those are abilities that manifest themselves when the environment around you allows it, but you probably noticed it when you felt better. Now I wont give you the usual "write a song, write something about what you feel" bshit . Well you know what, maybe I will. Do you think you could write something here that would describe your state of mind ?No pressure, no judgment, just write something.edit: or anything else, a picture, some story etc.', 'The idea that you have been suffering for 15 years is giving me a terrible feeling. I dont have much to say, only that the next time I see a shooting star my wish will be for you to get better.', 'I read the updates of your post. I dont consider you wasted my time. Im sure no one does. But I can understand that you dont want to talk now, there is no rush anyway.', 'Its a good thing you have your mother with you. If you feel bad for making her drop what she was doing, well dont, because thats what most mothers do really...Like experienced redditors point out from time to time regarding happiness, the body is an incredibly complex chemical machine that can influence your feelings. It depends on a lot of parameters, its like a set of dice was thrown and you didnt get multiple "six". Maybe you are a bit more unlucky than the average but you never know when it changes.What was the last experience when you felt happiness ? Can it happen again ?

Indicator

My mother committed suicide earlier this year largely due to money problems. As someone who has had to cope with that loss all I can say to you is **DONT DO IT!** People often say that suicide is a "permanent solution to a temporary problem", and I feel like in the case of debt and things of that sort this is especially true. Look, dealing with this stuff isnt going to be terribly fun or easy. But Im SURE you can find some way to figure it out, and I bet there are plenty of people who would much rather support you through this stuff than have to deal with you not being around anymore. Just stay positive and put in as much effort as you can and Im sure things will work out!

Indicator

Ive had thoughts of calling before but could never get myself to do it :/ I get really nervous', 'Please dont take them. Message me if u want to talk to someone', 'Sorry u feel that way. Im a loner too so I know the sucky feeling. Im thinking of seeing a therapist soon but even that gives me Anxiety. I wish I had that person I could go to and feel safe with : (', 'Im gay if thats of any comfort. Lets talk. ', 'Please dont do it. ', 'Hmm idk if u got my last message. Im pretty new at this reddit app. I have a kik messenger app account if u ever feel like chatting . let me know ', 'Eek we are way too similar. Im 27 and gay and every night I hate laying in bed thinking about how lonely I am and how lonely ive been and probably will be. My Anxiety sucks as it makes me hard to socialize. I stay up really late watching tv shows on netflix because Im so alone. It sucks feeling this way and not having a person to really talk to. Its why I came to reedit. Ive had it on my phone but never used it. Searched up Anxiety and kinda happy to see you posted this because makes me feel somewhat relieved someone else knows how I feel at this exact moment. I kinda wish I could go see a therapist again but even the thought of that gives me Anxiety. Ugh', 'Hey man sounds tough but just pull through. Dont buy a gun and dont do anything to end your life. Good things might happen just wait

Ideation

Its okay, Ill read it c:', 'Good work!!! Six weeks here, so I can relate :) its not easy, but not impossible either. Keep it up and congratulations. You should feel Tired proud of yourself. ', 'It made me smile because your second paragraph is exactly something my mom says. Thank you. Im Tired sorry to hear about your spouse but it seems like you are looking more positively at it which is great. Thank you for the advice and good luck.', 'Thank you for doing these. I think its such a great way to help people here who dont have access to proper care for their wounds.', 'And sadly the purebred "designer" dogs are the kinds that puppy mills usually carry. So some places might have them simply because they were rescued from bad living conditions. ', 'This is beautiful. I often think of the happy face I put on for others as a mask, too. Id love for you to share your other poems.', 'I know its not much, but *internet hug.* I want someone to hug, too. Here, youre not alone. Remember that, friend. I understand how youre feeling. Lately I have no energy to hold a conversation let alone focus on school. I barely eat and sleep. Is there anything in particular thats making you feel this way?', 'Jumping spiders, because theyre so cute and fluffy and have an almost puppy dog face. A close second are tarantulas. I have one named Franklin :)', 'Maybe it would help to start first with the symptoms and then move towards the root of the issue? You and your therapist could be thorough that way in getting all the details so that you can be successful in dealing with the real cause. Whatever you decide to do, I hope everything goes well for you. Keep your chin up. ', 'Ayyyy lmao', 'Congratulations on your new friend :) now you can both keep each other company. My dogs are wonderful for that. Ive been having a bad day but they force me to get up and let them out, feed them, and play with them so it helps me feel much less lonely. ', 'Congratulations! :) Its not easy to gain a change of perspective, but working towards it is the first step to bettering yourself. I wish you the best of luck on your date and at school.', 'Sorry, I dont have a kik. Do you want to PM me?', '[This website](http://www.healogics.com/Patients/patients/infection) has some good guidelines towards the bottom about how to prevent infection. Im sure there are endless other websites with helpful information if youre still Worried and want to google them :)', 'Thank you Tired much. I hope four years from now it will be a distant and irrelevant memory. ', 'Hey there. It sounds like youre doing everything right. About the bleeding, thats just something that will happen continuously with larger cuts in the first few days. You hit more capillaries with deeper and longer cuts, so the body has to work harder to prevent bleeding. Keeping it covered and clean is most important.', 'I will probably think back to you and the others replying next time because it makes me teary-eyed that strangers would take time out of their day to want to help. Thank you', 'Things are starting to become manageable again. I actually just got done scheduling a counseling appointment, my first in years. I think it will help me push through all of this. My boyfriend is still angry but we talked a lot and will talk more later, so I think things will be okay. Thank you so much for caring and taking the time to check on me. It means a lot.', 'And thank YOU, kind stranger! <3', 'Thank you, that means so much. I know its been a Tired short time, which is why everything is feeling so overwhelming and hopeless. Sometimes when the Pain gets so bad its hard to talk sense into myself. But Ill work on it.', 'Thank you Tired much. I do need to go easier on myself. Its difficult when my self-esteem has been low as of late.', 'Some days I dont know what I would do if I didnt have this community. Its truly a wonderful, judgement-free place and I love everyone here. Stay strong, friend. Youre never alone. ', 'Congratulations on the weight loss and plan to finish school!', 'They did for me too!

Indicator

I dont do much currently. I lifeguard for a bit of cash. Im heading to school in September. That is pretty much it. As for whether its something I want to do; I have no idea. Currently I never feel like doing anything.', 'What used to make me happy? Its been years since I was happy for more than a few minutes. I guess I like making things, programming, art, stuff like that. But I havent been able to concentrate much on anything, or I will plan something out, then just lose all drive and dont follow though on building it.', 'Not really, the closest pool is a 15 to 25 minute drive. I guess I could try going there every once in a while.', 'I swam so much, for so long, it didnt have much of an appeal over the last two seasons I competed. In the last few years I estimated that I was swimming somewhere around 3 million yards a year, I dont really feel like going back.', 'We actually have a lab, I like animals, but they dont make me feel any better.I am in better shape than most people. I used to swim 2 to 4 hours a day, five days a week. I dont do that anymore, but Im still physically healthy. I had a blood test, nothing showed up. I also take a multivitamin and eat fairly well.', 'I honestly dont know. I if I had to guess, it would be that something is wrong with how my brain functions.', 'Im not really stressed, I never have bee one to worry about much.Lately Ive just been wishing there was some way out, be it though medication or death or whatever. Medicines have never worked well for me, and all the anti-depressants Ive taken have done fuck all. I guess I would like to be with / have friends, but just finding the will to get up everyday is hard, let alone calling someone.

Indicator

say something if youre still there. hope i didnt arrive too late.', 'Youre only 14 years old? Incredible because youre writing comes off so intelligent, like an adult.I have some things to say to you regarding one of your statements:"These thoughts are so overwhelming, and Im starting to accept them, and I know that if life takes one more thing from me, Im going to act on them, if I dont just act on it randomly one day."If you pay attention, you may notice that all of the Suicidal inclinations originate within the mind, namely from the thoughts. Have you ever wondered where these thoughts come from? These thoughts seem foreign dont they? Indeed, they come to us from our spiritual enemies, the demons who hate mankind with perfect malice. The demons are able to transmit thoughts to us, as if shooting arrows or casting poisonous darts. The thoughts are the weapons they use against us. The demons compass about us, swarming upon us, refusing to leave us alone. They obtain power over us because to some degree we share in their darkness.They are spiritual parasites, who steal energy from us, by inciting negative emotions via the transmission of thoughts to the intellect which is a part of the human soul. These thoughts incite hatred, anger, jealousy, lust, greed, all kinds of negativity. Their ultimate goal is to destroy us. When they attack, often like piranhas on a feeding frenzy, the human heart becomes overwhelmed with despair, despondency, fear, anger, resentment, and a distraught psychological state that is difficult to escape from, and recognizable by its effects.When these evil thoughts are accepted, the thought enters into the heart, where it spawns an emotion, that is, a feeling, with which the thought joins, and the combination of the negative thought with a negative feeling, tends to effect one or two things: it will either produce an action, or a desire/inclination to perform that same action.If you have never followed through with the action, then the effect is a desire/inclination to perform the action, and the action itself is easier to resist. However, once you begin accepting the thoughts, which will assault us repeatedly, it becomes increasingly difficult to resist the inclination/desire to perform the resulting action.Its spiritual warfare. We must resist the demons. When we accept their lies, it gives them greater power over us. Day after day they come to us and inject thoughts into the mind, designed to cause despair, self-hatred, hopelessness, etc. Then they will tell you to kill yourself. And they will come and attack you again and again, for days, weeks, months and years. They know it will wear a person down if they are relentless. They may relent temporarily if it helps their cause; if they see us doing things that harm us, like using drugs. But they are simply lying in wait, like wolves. If someone begins to believe the lies the demons tell them in their thoughts, the demons weaken us and they become stronger, feeding off the despair or whatever negative emotions/actions they incite. Demons seek to conquer a person in small steps. If they seek your destruction via suicide, they will start small, making you feel like an economic/academic/social failure, not good enough, ugly, unlikable, etc. Things to make us feel bad about ourselves, unloved, and hopeless. Among these smaller steps, the demons try to get you to start cutting yourself or Burning sensation yourself; banging your head against the wall, punching the wall, breaking things. Once you start hurting yourself, following through on the desire/action that is produced by the acceptance of the thought into the heart, then it becomes harder and harder to resist the actions they seek, and the behavior begins to hard wire itself into the brain, where it becomes a behavioral pattern. For example, if you live in a 2 story house, you can run up and down the stairs Tired fast without thinking about it. Its become a hard wired action. Another example: People who become addicted to smoking, can have a streamlined behavior pattern: a thought to smoke, automatic acceptance of the thought into heart, and desire and action are virtually united into a single step: person reaches for cigarette and lights it. The whole thing becomes a seamless transaction. At this point, a person can virtually lose the freedom of their will in regard to the action. This is also how addictions form within the human person.The problems you are experiencing cannot get better so long as you accept these negative thoughts. It is not easy to overcome these thoughts, since they dont come from within you. Thats why many Suicidal people think that they cant get better. The demons wont leave them alone but instead relentlessly attack the person, until the person loses their mind and gives up the fight, ending their life.There is a whole methodology to heal oneself, to overcome these dark forces.', 'First time signing up at reddit. Felt inclined to reply.Im 35 and was in and out of mental hospitals all throughout high school, up to my early 20s. I sliced my self up pretty bad a few times. Was Suicidal for years, no hope, saw no future.After high school I decided to just use drugs and not worry about life, just be a bum pretty much, and gave up on ever caring about accomplishing anything.I made it through that dark period by giving up caring about anything.My life turned out okay. I mean yeah, Im a failure at economic success and making money but who cares! If all you ever wanted was to be rich, then youve been duped. Money is just a false hope people are brainwashed to chase. Lots if people committing suicide or being totally miserable are rich. Money doesnt make people happy. It may seem to for a little bit, but then look, no one is ever satisified with how much they have. Theyve done surveys, asking people their annual income, and how much annual income is needed to be "rich"/"successful. Every single income bracket did not consider their own income enough to be rich. All the way from the poorest to the richest. People who make half a million dollars a year think they need to make a million to be rich. Its a joke. And everyone is deceived by this.1. How old are you.Like I said, Im 35 now. And my life is still a life of suffering, but I have a wife and several children now. Im on welfare and a failure in the American workplace. And I could list tons of reasons why my life sucks and why Im a failure as a human. But Im happy I didnt kill myself when I was younger. Having children made my life worth living, even though I suffer so much. These beautiful kids would never have existed if I had committed suicide.Look, understand life is terribly painful, but we cant just assume our Pain will end at death.Looking back, I realize I didnt actually want to die. What I truly wanted was for my suffering to end. And because it was so painful, I hated myself, I just wanted to die. It seemed like the only way I could escape. Friend, there is no escape. You must have a small speck of hope. A mans spirit within him is endued with hope at conception. All people have a glimmer of hope no matter how dark life gets. Thats why we reach out to others when we are at the point of suicide. Its why youre here.Please dont kill yourself.You are valuable. You are important. You matter. People care about you.Remember in High School, probably you knew someone at your school, or knew of them, who committed suicide. And everyone acted sad. Even though no one acted like they cared about the person. And usually many people say, "I wish there was something I could have done." Or if I had only known I would have tried to help.So there are people whi help and people who care. If you reach out, maybe even youll need to reach far, people will reach out their hand to pull you up from the grave.Suicide is permanent. Your current problems are probably temporary. The problems I had, the reasons I had for suicide when I was young, for the most part dont affect me anymore. I still have problems, but its not like before. And so I encourage anyone who is Suicidal, or is making a big decision like this to wait.When in doubt go without.Maybe you should wait 1 day for each year of your life that is passed to decide to make the ultimate decision, irrevocable and terrible: destroying oneself.So if youre 18 years old, wait 18 days to decide. Until you can be 100% sure this is what you want to do, for 18 days, you should not act. Dont make a mistake like this unless you are fully and irrevocably committed. Killing yourself is permanent. Theres no changing your mind.I can write more if youre interested in talking. Ive been there myself.If youre just here to say farewell, I would still like to hear more about you and what it is that leads you to such a drastic end. Forgive me for anything wrong I said.

Behavior

Im glad to have helped and Im even more happy to know that youre still living :). If you ever want to talk, hit me up!', 'Hi! Whats up!?', 'Youre parents are tough. Im sorry, this seems really hard and difficult. Suicide is not the answer though. This is a rough point in your relationship with your parents and I guess a rough time in your life. The fact that your job brings you joy is a really good thing, maybe call your job off a friends phone or a phone at school and explain the situation. Talk to your teachers about your situation and see what you can do about raising your grades. If your parents do kick you out its not the end of the world, its happened to a lot of people for doing much worse things than failing a couple classes and skipping out to see a girl. Hopefully you have friends who you can stay with. I think people will be sympathetic of your situation. I really dont think your parents would rather have you dead because if they truly didnt care about you, they wouldnt care about your grades. Life is hard and it sucks sometimes but things do get better and its not worth it to end it now because thats such a final decision that you cant take back and there will be things in your life that you will be so happy that you were alive for :). If you want to talk, Id love to!', ':( sounds rough. Im sorry youre feeling this way. What can I do?', 'Talk to your parents, tell them youre serious and theyll help you find help. You are too young to be this sad and to end your life. You life has just started and everyone has rough teenage years. You may not see it now but things do get better, you just have to be there for them. If you want to talk to me, Im here :)', 'Hey, Im a junior in college too and last semester I felt Tired similar to you. Almost everything you said I could relate to. However I just decided to stop caring and live in the moment. Now Im so much happier and doing better in school. It may not be the same for you but I just want you to know that it gets better. Anyways, what can I do for you?', 'Hi! Sounds rough, Im sorry. Loneliness is kind of a black hole. Anyways, Id love to talk and help you in any way I can :)', 'I feel that way sometimes too. You just have to keep going through life being the best you can be and youll find someone. Good love takes time but it is worth it. ', 'I agree. I really think whoever is behind these paragraphs is a cool person, someone the world needs and Im not even kidding one bit. I have a feeling. ', 'I hope you sleep well and you wake up refreshed and feeling good! I am really glad that you are seeking help! Dont worry, things will get better eventually! Just give it some time :)', 'You can take control of your life. You can do the things you want to do. I believe in you, I believe that you can homestead in Idaho or Washington if you really want to! Thats a beautiful goal! Its awesome that youre seeing a therapist, you just got to hold on a little longer, I know you can. You at least need to wait until you see your diagnosis and what they can do for you! PM me if you want to talk! ', 'Well I think youve done all you can and now you just need to take some time for yourself to accept what you did and learn from it. Trust me, youll be okay you just need to be strong and hold on for a while :)', 'The only way that there is nothing in your future is if you decide not to have one. You have to keep your head up even though its hard and look forward and soon enough youll get there and things will be good. ', 'Hi Jared! You know what, you seem like a cool kid. Being a little different can suck sometimes but its a good thing. You should keep doing what makes you happy and follow your interests. There are tons of places where you can find friends who have similar interests as you, like reddit! If you want to talk, Id love to!', 'You made a mistake, and youre regretting what you did. Youll learn to live with it and youll learn from it. It wont happen right away but if you simply apologize youll be taking the first step towards being able to live with your mistakes. ', 'Im really sorry, that sounds frustrating.', 'Youre doing a really good job for yourself! You have to play the cards you are delt and live your life knowing that you are you for a reason. Im here if you want to talk because Id love to talk and let you elaborate on your situation :)', 'Dont worry, youll find another job. You just have to work for it. Youll be okay. Just go to sleep for a while and work on fixing your job situation later :)', 'Hey, youre waiting until Monday to see if anything will be better right? Well, sometimes you just have to wait a little longer. You have to hold on and things will get better. Ill want to talk to you! ', 'Things get better, and then they get worse, and then they get better again. Thats how life is and you have to learn how to "ride the wave". I had a tough time last semester and I was so Worried about failing not just in school but as a person. What helped me get through that is just focusing on right now and being the best person I can be right now. Things will work out and your life is not going to be nearly as shitty as you expect, if you want to talk, Id love too!', 'Sometimes, I feel worthless too. I really do, sometimes I feel like I have no talent and it fucking sucks. Whats something you like to do?', 'I agree with /u/Walken_on_sunshine. Things do get better. Ive been in some dark places before but with a little time and a change in perspective Ive gotten out of them and you will too. Id love to talk if you want to! PM me!', 'Its really nice of you to do this, thank you. Tell them that even tough things are hard right now, things really do get better. Tell them youll talk with them over private message if they want to talk about their problems. Once again, the world needs more people like you :)', 'You seem like a really nice person. You say you have lived for 25 years with nothing to show for it? I disagree, you have accomplished a lot graduating college and you are an empathetic person who cares. Ive felt similarly to you--feeling like nothing will get better and whats the point anymore. For me, it just took time and working towards the things I wanted to accomplish regardless of how stupid it seemed--it helped me a lot. ', 'Fuck that person. Dont listen to them. Fuck them. However, they may be needing help themselves. Anyways, what can I do to help you?', 'You should, Im a 20 year old girl so maybe I can help you out a little :)', 'Youre welcome, I know youll be okay :)', 'This sounds really frustrating and scary. However, you are young and youre still creating yourself. You may have hid behind the smart girl persona in the past but you are so much more than that. Dont let people tell you who you are. Be who you are and do what you love. Fuck what other people think as long as youre truly happy. Just fuck them. PM me if you want to talk!', ':( Im sorry, that sounds really difficult. I dont know where youre from but in the US I know its hard to live on minimum wage especially part-time. If you want to chat Im here. Dont let this get you down. ', 'Wow, Im really sorry. You must feel like an outsider in your own family and Im truly sorry for that. I think you need to tell your family how you feel. Im really sorry dude. PM me if you want to talk :)', 'I can relate, I wasnt doing well in school last semester but I realized what I had to do and worked harder and my grades are okay now. Well youre talking to me now! ', 'Im not sure of the situation. I know that a lot of people who are Depression or bipolar can be Suicidal but they are not institutionalized. I dont know enough about that system. However, I think its worth it to talk to someone again. ', 'Im scared about the future too. However, what keeps me from freaking out is living in the moment. I try to be the best person I can be today and enjoy living as much as possible. This really has helped me. Also, what Ive learned that nothing is as worse as it seems like it will be. So whenever I get scared and Worried about the future I remind myself that and I also remind myself that its *my* life and I am in control and I can live my life the way I want to. I dont have to be like those miserable people, I dont want to be like them. You already have an internship which is a GREAT start to your future! You should be excited about whats to come because youre going to have a good life even if you dont know where it will take you yet. If you want to talk, Id love to!', 'You shouldnt feel guilty. Youre trying your best and you need to keep trying. Youre son needs his mother, leaving him would be the most selfish thing you will *ever* do and it will be the last thing you ever do. You cannot make up for that. You should at least try talking to your husband and maybe see about seeing a therapist. Things will get better and you will be so happy to see your son grown up! ', 'You have a lot to live for, life seems rough right now but the people that you love and who love you need you more than ever. We all have rough patches in our life and we live through them and come out the other end better and stronger. You can get through this. Everything will be alright :). If you want to talk, Im here!', 'You sound like a good mother. Children cant always have a "fun" parent, its silly and unhealthy for the child. Im only 20 and moved out of the house but Im so thankful for my mom and dad who made home-cooked meals and checked my homework even though I didnt like it at the time, its helped me in the long run to become a responsible adult. Youre doing the best you can to support your son and yourself. Maybe try looking for a new job while still working--you never know what opportunities are out there if you dont try! Im sorry to hear about your ex-husband, that must be really difficult. I wish you all the best and if youd like to talk, Id love to!PS. I run out of toilet paper all the time too :P', 'Im sorry. Things are really difficult for you right now but things will get better soon. You just have to hold on and stay as positive as possible even though its hard :)', 'Im sorry, things sound rough right now. You seem like a Tired strong person and with that attitude youll go far. Trust me. PM me if you want to talk!', 'I think that you need to seek help. Since you go to a university they most likely have a counseling service that you should go to. I really think that you need to find help and stop self medicating. Its not going to help. Id go to /r/bipolar or /r/BipolarReddit and maybe talk to them, also, /r/Depression might be able to help! College is hard and its a complicated and difficult time. If you want to talk, Im here. ', 'I feel like that too sometimes. What helps me is living in the moment and enjoying life as it is right now. If you want to talk, PM me! :)', 'Robins death is Tired tragic and it obviously hit you hard. You may just be in mourning right now but I am not you so I wouldnt know. If you want to talk about anything, Im here :)', 'Yes, and with a positive attitude like that, you will be golden :)', 'Im sorry to hear about your situation and Im sorry about your mom. Is there a cure for your skin disease?', 'Youre right. We are all going to die. Everyone in the past who has ever lived, has died. However, just because we all die eventually doesnt mean our lives are meaningless. All the people who have died before you have left a world of amazing things. Not all are great, but a lot of those things that people have created have outlived their creator and changed lives. I guess what Im trying to say is yes we will all die and we cant help it but everyone has their time on earth to change things for the better. PM me if you want to talk, Id love to because you sound like you have an interesting perspective :)', 'Sometimes, the world seems really tough and the future is scary. You just need to know that things will get better if you try to make them so and sometimes things just get better over time. The fact that you want to travel and experience the world is a beautiful time. Maybe you should just take off right now and travel and enjoy the world. Youll find something along the way that will bring hope and meaning to your life. I wish you the best and if you ever want to talk, Im here :)', 'I guess hope is kind of ridiculous because its just living for the future and believing that good will come some day. But I think that hope is important and obviously its the last thing to go, but the first thing to come back. If you can just find a glimmer of hope, I know that you can do this. ', 'Youre right, things do get better. Youre young and going through a tough time right now with your self image/worth. Ive been there. It sucks. What has helped me is just to focus on things that make me truly happy. I ate right and went on walks and I felt so much better. If you want to talk, Im here! Youre so young, things will get better :)', 'Dont be sorry :). I just wanted to know if there was anything I could do :) ', 'For me, yes. Those memories that I have of the good times are really the great times. I think about them sometimes and I think, "I am so glad that happened and I never thought it would but it did and why cant other great things happen if that happened?" It also helps to just appreciate the little things :)', 'This seems like a realllly shitty situation now, but trust me, it will be *okay*. Ive known people whove cheated on their husbands, they had a kid, they got a divorce and now shes happy and in a new house with a new guy. Im not trying to say cheating is a good thing, Im just saying on the grand scale of things, its not the worst thing you can do. You have to trust me that it will get better. ', 'You seem like an awesome person, whos just had a rough time. Its not worth it to kill yourself. Sometimes I think life is going to get better and it doesnt, but then when I least expect it, things take a turn for the best and thats just how life is. You have to change the things you can, and accept the things you cant. If you want to talk, Im here :)', 'Hello! Im sorry that youre feeling this way, what can I do to help?', 'Youre life isnt over. You are young, things will turn up. Ill Pm you!', 'I think you can do it, I know its cheesy but this is one of my favorite quotes, "If it scares you, its probably worth it." I dont know who said it but its comforting in a way. Im really glad I could help you, and thank you for the kind words :). If you **ever** need to talk, Im here to listen and offer advice if you like! ', 'You say you want a job so I think you should get out there and get some applications and just start from there. Seriously, just go to a store, fill out an application and turn it in. Its the first step and once you get the ball rolling I think it will help to do it again. I really think you just need to take the first step. I know that you may not believe this but youll meet someone else, you will. You will feel love again. When I was 18 (two years ago) I thought I met the love of my life and I could not see myself with anyone else. However, he ended things and I thought I would never love again. I still havent found someone special but thats okay with me because I know its coming. I believe in my future and Ive worked really hard to get to that point. ', 'Im sorry, that sounds fucking stressful and scary. But everything will be alright. Things might get worse before they get better but they will get better. Just hold on, buddy :) If you want to talk, Im here!', 'You are actively trying not to Pain peoples feelings which is more than a lot of people do. You seem like a good person you just need to stop beating yourself up. Its good that you try not to Pain peoples feelings, however youre not responsible for how people understand what you say or do. I think you should seek help because you seem like a really nice guy and you care about other people--we need more people like you! Id love to get to know you more, PM me if you want to talk! ', 'I dont think death is such a bad thing but it limits your life. You wont be anything that you were going to be. I dont know that death is such a bad thing for the person that it happens to, I dont know that for a fact. But do you it for a fact that death is a good thing for a person? Youre right, it is selfish for a person to not want you to die. But its a good thing to know that there are people who dont want you to die and who maybe depend on you and love you more than you think. ', 'Aww, darling, you seem like an amazing person with a bright future. I am 20 and in college (and a female) and sometimes I feel like Ill never be successful too but I look back on my life and think of all the things I didnt think Id be able to do and I realized that I am here and I did them. You should talk to a counselor at your school about your problems and maybe they can help you! Please do so! You honestly have so much to offer and if you can get through this, youll be a stronger young woman who will be able to help people and make a lot of peoples lives better--including yours! I honestly would love to get to know you and talk to you if you want to! You seem like an amazing person! ', 'Youre welcome :)', 'You really should not be thinking this way about yourself. No matter what you look like, I dont care if you are the ugliest mother fucker who has ever graced this planet you are still beautiful if you have a beautiful personality. And I am guaranteed that you are not that ugly. You always are youre own harshest critic. Beauty is only on the outside and it has nothing to do with your inner qualities. No matter how "ugly" you look, you will never be ugly enough to be deserving to die, no one is. ', 'You should talk to your therapist about these things. Why do you feel like you cant talk to them? Youre so young and it is really difficult to your life will take you, but if you work towards what you want in the future it will happen :) Id love to talk to you!', 'Im sorry youre feeling this way. Could you elaborate on why you cant live like "this". Id really like to help if I can :)', 'I understand, everyone always thinks of me as the "happy one" and I feel like I cant talk to anyone because a) I dont think they would take me seriously and b) I dont want to ruin peoples views of me. Sometimes pretending to be happy helps me become actually happy it just sucks that I feel like Id be ruining my image and Im embarrassed/ashamed of the way I feel sometimes. ', 'I think you should take the opportunity to give the presentation to her privately. It might be difficult but it will be better than doing it in front of the class. She woudnt have offered you the option of doing it privately if she didnt want to so I think you should do it! Also, I doubt that other people notice your voice disorder as much as you think :)', 'Man, Im sorry. What youre going through sucks. Im not exactly sure what you need to hear but PM me and we can talk! ', 'Yeah, what you did was a shit thing to do. But youve learned from it. You know it was a shit thing to do and that was a decision that you made when you were younger. Doing shitty things is just as much a decision as doing good things. You can do good things. You will do good things. Everyone has to learn their lessons somehow. Ive done things in the past that I regret but its put me in a place where I can look back and say how dumb I was and how I will never do that again and hopefully educate others to never do the things that I do. All in all, my mistakes have made me a better person and youre mistakes will make you a better person if you let them. Id love to talk to you about anything! Message me! ', 'If you want to talk, Id love too. You seem like an awesome person. ', 'Hello! I dont know if this is going to help but I wanted to say that I just got finished with my finals and I was majorly stressing out. It feels much better on the other side of finals. I dont mean to make your stresses seem small but it feels much better on the other side. You can make it. Do you enjoy being a math major?', 'Sometimes I dont think that being positive is self delusion as well but then I remember that perspective is everything. If something is shitty you can look at it in a different way. For example, you lose your job, you gain new opportunities and you get to expand your life. I really hope youre okay, and please, if you want to talk you can talk to me! ', 'Im really sorry, I dont know what youre feeling but I can understand it. I have a money spending problem and I didnt do well last semester in college either and Im Worried about wasting my parents money and then they wont be able to pay for my sister especially if I have to go to college for a 5th year due to my bad grades. What Im trying to do is just focus on right now and doing a good job now and taking it one step at a time. I think the people over at /r/bipolar or /r/BipolarReddit can really help! I hope things turn up and you are able to work through things :). If you want to talk PM me anytime! ', 'Well good for you though! It takes a lot of courage to approach girls, and even if she didnt like you, you still did it! Youre just that much closer to finding someone youre compatible with. Part of Depression is feeling hopeless, you probably already know that but thats just what your mind is telling you. Real life is not hopeless. ', 'Youre welcome!', 'Sometimes people get unhappy, like severely unhappy. You may be that unhappy now. I understand you have clinical Depression and thats tough. However, you are only 18 and you have so much life and happiness in your future. Shit happens, people break up with you and you just have to push though that Pain and when youre on the other side youll be a stronger more capable person and ready for what will happen next. A quote that I read today was, "The best way out is always through." If youd like to talk Id love too! Im not too far from 18 so I might be able to relate :) ', 'Youre welcome. Im really sorry that theres no cure. Not to minimize your situation but I guess there are just things in our life that we cant change and we have to learn to accept it and change ourselves. Once again, Im really sorry and if you ever want to talk, Im here :)', 'Dont do it. Trust me things will get better, they always do but you have to try and I know this sounds generic but its true. If you try to change your life, it will change. You can live. ', 'Im sorry, I dont really understand your question. Can you explain?', 'Im so sorry to hear about your boyfriend. That is tragic. You may suffer from Depression or another mental Illness and I think you need to contact professional. However, Im so glad that youre reaching out now. Please pm me if you want to talk.', 'Hi! Im in college too and its a really hard time because its kind of like youre in "real-life purgatory", all you are supposed to do is go to class, maybe have a job on the side, and do well enough on your homework and exams to graduate. College is an odd time and if you want someone to talk to, Im here. However, I really think you should go see a professional, maybe your school has a resource for you. :)', 'I understand how you feel, I feel similar too sometimes. Im really glad youre feeling better today!', 'You have the possibility to change things. If youre willing to take your own life, a big decision and a final one, then why cant you quit your job and move somewhere else? Something not nearly as final, however it is a big decision. Instead of ending your life, why dont you try and change it, even if it something little. Maybe go to a bar tonight and say hi to at least one person. You have the opportunity to change your life and live. PM me if you want to talk! ', 'Hi! You seem to have a way with words, Im jealous. Anyways, I just would like to know why youre posting here. I feel like if you really wanted to kill yourself you wouldnt post here. ', 'The nights are hard for me too, thats why I go on reddit, tumblr, watch a movie, read a book, maybe some TV. You just have to keep yourself busy until youre so Tired and then fall asleep. ', 'Youre welcome, Im happy to help and if you want to talk Im always here :)', 'This is the attitude I have everyday and it takes work but youll be much happier. Im here if you ever need support!', 'You are 85 fucking days clean of heroin, that is fucking fantastic man. Good for you! I think that this is a great sign that things will turn in the right direction soon. Sometimes, life seems really hopeless but then just around the corner things change, you change, and things get better. PM me if you want to talk! ', 'Well if you ever want to chat about anything, Ill be here :)', 'Youre welcome! I think you should talk to your teacher and explain how you feel about the oral presentation and what happened last time. Also, why are you afraid of the oral presentation? ', 'The most important thing is that youre trying. Thats fucking awesome and good for you! A couple months ago, I felt really down about school and I was missing classes too. The way school is set up is really fucking stupid but I realized its something that will make my life better in the long run (hopefully, but thats just me). How I got back into the swing of things was to just focus on living life now, because thats all we have. We have to enjoy our life as it is now and not worry about the future because thats not guaranteed. Ive been so much happier after I started focusing on the moment. Youre right, people are ignorant, but not everyone. And I think that even if someone else cant see what is beautiful, it doesnt matter. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder and youre lucking enough to be the beholder of beauty. If you want to talk, Id love to, you seem like an interesting and insightful person.', 'Things would not be easier for your parents if you were gone. It wouldnt. Im *really* sorry that youre feeling this way. I think the fact that youre searching for something to live for means that you have hope, hope is what you live for. You need to talk to a psychiatrist to get on some medication that will help with your schizophrenia. It will be much better than dying. If you want to talk, Id love to chat :)', 'You wouldnt have posted here if there wasnt some hope in you. ', 'Hello! I think that it may be worth it to consider taking antidepressants. I dont know enough about them to recommend them, and its obviously your choice whether you take them or not but if you dont think you can make it 6 months it might be a good idea. You cant leave your family behind and I know youd regret it if you did.', 'I feel similar to that too sometimes. Sometimes I think Ill never have a good job and Ill never make money because I feel like I have no skills. However, every job that Ive been at I was so afraid to start because I felt as though I knew nothing and I was incapable but I *learned* how to do the job and I gained new skills through the job. I lack motivation too a lot of the time and sometimes Im lucky enough that the motivation just comes to me. However, the motivation doesnt always just come to me. What I do to spark motivation is surround myself with potential motivators like knowing I want to go out on the weekend so I do my homework during the Asthenia because Im motivated not to do it on the weekend when I want to spend time with friends. You have to make up your own motivation. For example, I woke up today and my house was really messy and I want it clean, but I realllly dont want to clean it but I know a clean house will be worth all the effort I put into it in the end. You just have to give it a little time, dont doubt yourself because youre much stronger than you think and surround yourself with things that motivate you. ', 'Hey, things will turn up. You have to work at your life to make it better. Sometimes, good things happen but even better things happen when you go out and do something about it. You need to talk to someone at your school and explain your situation to see if someone can help you with your classes and possibly even with other things :). If you want to talk, Im here :)', 'Hi! If you want to talk about stuff, Im here to listen!', 'Why are you calling yourselves those words? ', 'Hey, you are young, things will change and opportunities will come. If you want your life to change, you have to do something about it and youre speculating about your future which hasnt even come yet and it can be sooooo much better than you think it will. Ive felt like killing myself at times and then something happens and I think, "Thank goodness I got to live this." ', 'Im sorry youre feeling that way and I understand why. I think I might feel similar to you sometimes too. But what I do is just accept the things that I cant change--I cant change other people I just have to let them live. However, you can be the change you want to see. Live your life with love and hope and youll be happier. Not everything is terrible and Im starting to realize that, its all about state of mind. ', '/u/Psyducktail is right. You seem to have had an interesting life and its not over. You can pull yourself out of what youre in now. Id love to be your friend! ', 'Hey, please be careful. Things will get better you just have to make it though this dark time and youll be okay, I promise. Please message me if you want to talk! Be strong and never lose hope.', 'Dont do it, its really not worth it as you can seriously Pain yourself and Flatulence/wind up having things worse than before. If youd like to talk, I am here and Id love to :)', 'Thank you so much for posting. Im so thankful that you are here to show others that things to get better if you work for it! I obviously dont know you but I am truly proud that you made your life better and are still trying! Id give you a hug if I could!', 'Damn, college can be rough as fuck. I was at risk for failing out last semester and it was mainly because I was in the wrong major for me. I was doing what other people told me to do and I switched majors and Im doing really well now and Im so much happier. Switching majors to something you enjoy might help you tons! And you do have a future ahead of you. Life is hard and sometimes things are so shitty that you dont see a good future. But trust me, things will get better and youll have an awesome life if you work for it. I was in a similar situation to you last semester and it sucks but you find a way to work though it.If I were you, Id go see your schools therapist again because not being able to concentrate is not good, especially in college. They may be able to prescribe you with something that can help with your attention span. Anyways, I hope things get better for you and if you want to talk Im here :)', 'Im glad to hear that :). Things will get better, it will take a little time but eventually they will and if you can hold on youll be stronger and youll be glad youre alive. ', 'If you want to chat Im here. Breakups suck.

Supportive

I HAD hobbies until I moved. I also don plan on doing anything with my life because of money', 'I feel the same why I just havent had the balls to pick up the gun or swallow the pills', 'I did tell them and we are moving shortly to a better town but I just hate myself and have no confidence for myself

Ideation

I saw them last December! Amazing music by amazing performers.What would you say your favourite album is? And, if youve got one, your favourite song?Its awesome that you even were in a band, by the way. Was it a metal band? Ive been playing six years, and Ive never been able to find a band. I think every guitarist is Tired self-critical - thats a great thing to be, although not overly so. To even perform in a band environment, you have to have good precision and rhythm, and flow with other players. With that in mind, Im sure youre a Tired good guitarist. ', 'I can relate to a lot of these feelings, even though our situations differ. The whole Fear of the unknown thing is clich\xc3\xa9 as hell, but trying telling that to the Anxiety that bubbles up when your future is so unclear. Or well, perhaps not unclear, as youve highlighted with the bleak end coming up. Anyway, what I mean is your feelings make a lot of sense and must be Tired painful.You probably already have, but have you talked to any other family members or friends about the upcoming situation, and the chance of staying with them temporarily?Sorry if Ive misinterpreted or misread anything', 'Im not entirely sure what you mean. Background: I have Major Depressive Disorder and have struggled with it increasingly pervading my life for the last five years. ', 'Thanks Tired much for your thoughts. I just want to process others opinions and come to a decision, so your reply really helps', 'There was a somewhat amusing line on TV the other day about how a writer could never commit suicide because theyd keep adding and adding to the note until it became a book, then a book series and so on. Theyd never be satisfied. Someone else then replied that a literature student couldnt either, because theyd be too busy researching and reading everyone elses notes and taking notes on how to write a note. Although it was all joking, and is Tired exaggerated, I understand the lack of satisfaction thing.EDIT: Thank you for replying and sorry for rambling on

Indicator

I came here for help, not for you to 1-up me on why you have more reason to kill yourself.

Ideation

See you dont understand, when I said I stopped studying at 12 I mean I never went back into education, AT ALL.', 'Its a she, she doesnt seem to get that Im reaching out for help. She has been through it so by all counts she should understand better than most but.. no.', 'there is no point :) Ive tried, to no avail.', 'I will look into those.I meant physics as in the science, not the game engine component. Although Im a total game engine nerd, and would love to code graphics and am always fascinated by the stuff people keep coming up with. But I dont know if I can delve that much into the math of it. Seems pretty insane.', 'Doesnt seem like that is the case any more, I no longer know how to talk to people.', 'Well if we are talking besides illegal substances, I remember haging out with 3 other people at someones house just playing halo online, sounds simple but.. I was happy.', 'Everyone deserves to be happy. Its hard to see it, but Im sure you are not a bad person, Depression clouds your judgment and your vision. Ive been in a similar situation just recently, you live for that person and then you are called clingy.. because that person is the only thing that makes you happy so you plan your day around them, and that aparently is a bad thing! Trust me if hes playing you around like that hes not worth it.You have to try and find things you enjoy doing, take your mind off of these thoughts, keep yourself occupied!If you ever need to talk feel free to PM me.', 'Ive tried the whole talk to someone youve never met thing, ended up badly most of the time, Id much rather not try after that. I know with that attitude Im only damaging my chances of anything good happening but I just dont have the energy required to try any more.', 'Several things that happened in my childhood that Id rather not discuss and the death of my grandma, she was basically my mum for the first 12 years of my life. I dont see myself getting out of this Depression any time soon, its been the only constant in my life for this long, it is me.', 'Tired of being alone.', 'The Depression that Ive had for 11 years. Its only getting worse.', 'You got it right with the first paragraph! I cant focus on getting better in general if I cant even manage to want to be alive for the whole day. Ive been doing exactly that, doing too much on the days Im motivated and then not being able to keep up afterwards, leaving me even more Depression and like Ive let myself down.I will attempt to do that.. thank you.I dont have a blog. I will look into this sparkpeople thing.. but the thing with having a blog and putting myself out there is Im Tired emotionally sensitive right now and the lack of responses that I will undoubtedly get will discourage me and make me quite. In fact this is why I dont think I will be posting on here any more. Its hard to find people that truly care, and its even harder to find people that care about complete strangers.', 'I get what you are saying, and I get how it makes sense, but rejection is a pretty recurring theme in my life, Its hard to see it as anything but a big sign saying "fuck you" any more.', 'If I was religious I would think this is punishment for something... Every day Im alive feels like torture. I didnt do anything to deserve this :(', 'Must speak to my doctor about this next time then, thank you.', 'Im sorry to hear that.Its really gone beyond BEING with her, its more to the point that I have to put a brave face on and help her while Im falling apart on the inside. Before I just used to blame the Depression for all my problems but now I am Tired much aware that I in fact cause most of them! I can see myself making the bad decisions, feeling sorry for myself, not doing things to improve my situation, but I cant stop myself!Its almost like watching someone else ruin my life, except its me and Ive been doing it for 11 of my 23 years here, I was just completely oblivious before, but now.. Im painfully aware.', 'Ive tried exercise, I was running regularly and It wasnt really helping. Now I just feel like not leaving my room so thats sort of out of the question.', 'Its not about finding the right path, its about finding a path I can actually follow. I know what I have to do (Roughly) but... for lack of a better term, I just dont *want* to do it. Its almost like I want to stay this way.. Its all Ive known for the past 11 years and seeing as I clearly dont have what it takes to end it Im afraid its all I will ever know.', 'I feel exactly the same as you man, feel like I wasted most of my life because of this Asthenia disease. In my case I dont think about the actual death part, just the release, sometimes you just have so much stuff going on and you feel so hopeless it just seems like the only option, when its in fact not.', 'Erm for fun.. I dont know, watch tv shows/movies, listen to music, play games mostly. I listen to a lot of stuff, metal, progressive, indie, dubstep, glitch hop.Treat others as youd like to be treated, doesnt really work as a philosophy in this society apparently.I have considered it, dont know if I can just talk to a stranger about my problems face to face to be honest.', 'What I find works for me when it comes to mood crippling come downs (Based on coke and mdma only) Is eat comfort food, pizza, stuff like that, go to your local health supplements store and get 5-HTP, a natural serotonin supplement, if the come down is your only problem about 150mg will give you a helping hand. And sleep!', 'Andre, nice to meet you. And yours?', 'Nope, obviously just blind. See Id love to just go out there and meet people, but shyness and social awkwardness/Anxiety are a bitch. Not as easy for me as other people. Very hard in fact. Thats my main problem in fact.', 'I have not had the option to see one so far. I would much rather not go back to my doctor, and I believe Id need a referral from him to be able to see a therapist so Im not sure that is going to happen.', 'Parents live in another country. I guess Ill just have to go back to my GP and ask him..', 'Happy birthday! May you keep the wildlings away for many more years to come (wallofice reminded me of game of thrones)', 'I think motivation is going to be (already is) my main problem.Man.. reading that just.. made so much sense. That is exactly what happens, I havent been labelled as weird (that I know of) but I am definitely overlooked, socially invisible. I think the fact thats happened so many times is what caused this social Anxiety that I struggle with, which in turn makes me even worse in social situations.I really appreciate what you are saying, and its all SPOT ON, however the old "Its not you its them" doesnt help me :( I am still stuck with a total of 2 friends that dont really speak to me Tired often and that is IT, thats my social circle. To move forward I really think I need more than that and I have absolutely no idea what to do.. no clue where to just "meet people". Work is a dead end, none of the people left want to be friends with me outside of work, so I am stuck between a rock and a hard place.I live in the UK by the way if that makes any difference.', 'Well its always easier said than done.I will attemp this, thank you for the article and the new perspective, I just hope I have the motivation needed.Im not really sure how to respond to that! Doesnt happen often. Erm.. thank you.', 'I know right? and apparently Im selfish for being Depression after I made sure she was ok, I was trying to make it about me.. Brilliant.', 'I know you dont know me and I dont know you but Id be upset if you were no longer alive.', 'I understand what you are saying but I lack the motivation to even leave my room sometimes, Id love to not have a social fear, almost, but I do. I cant just approach someone I dont know, out of the blue, much less talk to them.. Believe me Id love nothing more than to be able to do that but, alas, my brain doesnt allow it.I just dont know what to do. I walk to work every day so I do get out of the house most days and the fresh air hasnt helped.. Im desperate to not feel like this but it doesnt seem like a choice I can make.I really want to move somewhere else and actually study (Because of the Depression I didnt even finish school back home (I moved from Portugal to England on my own when I was 17, 6 years ago).. So I do not have any qualifications) but I just dont have the help of mental stability I need.. I dont want to have a dead end job for the rest of my life. I want to study physics or programming.. But I dont think I ever will :(', 'Please dont.', 'Just seems unrealistic to think of that right now, if most social interactions feel like uphill battles, even if its a conversation with a coworker. I dont even want to think about putting myself out there in that way, Ive had alot of rejection over the years and I dont deal well with it...', 'Appreciate the advice, I already have a job but Ive made all the friends I could there.Yeah I suppose new skills are a good idea, been improving my singing lately and looking to take up some sort of martial art, should keep me busy. Not quite ready to jump straight into talking to random people yet but I hope I get there at some point soon!', 'If I had the courage necessary maybe I wouldnt have to live through it.', 'That was a really interesting read. It really is counter-intuitive to remain in a state where the outcome might be (and in some cases is) death. The brain really is fascinating.That actually made me feel a bit better. There *is* something wrong with me but its not the Depression, the Depression is the vessel I should use to find the solution! Makes sense in a way.Unfortunately Im not Tired good at expressing myself through writing. I also dont want an audience of 12 thousand to know my most personal and intimate problems.Im sure neither me nor my problems are as interesting or worth listening to as you believe them to be.', 'This one Falls under the dickheads category. I work in Pc World (Equivalent of best buy if you live in the states) so a whole lot of sales, and sales attracts crappy people. I feel Tired much alone in that job, as I do in general in life, so no possibility of making new friends through there.', 'Im in the same boat man, if you still feel like talking PM me.', 'One of them isnt really that type of friend, hes more of a lets do things together friend. The other one every time I mention it and talk about it for more than 10 minutes Im told to stop "whining".', 'I have not no, I was referred for therapy a few months ago but at the time I couldnt even leave the house so I was not able to go. Might try it if its that helpful!', 'I dont know.. Ideally Id love to get into programming, and the gaming industry. But I also have a Burning sensation desire to understand and explore physics, that would be much harder to do. But since I stopped studying at 12 because of circumstances completely outsides my control and Im now 23 I dont think any of that is going to happen.', 'Thank you for the thoughtful reply. I am currently on Efexor-XR xr, 225mg, been on them for a month and a bit, havent really done a whole lot besides giving me terrible headaches. Ive suffered from Depression for 11 years so I just think.. I gave it a good go and things are still pretty terrible. Its just been way too long.

Ideation

Sounds like your other half really wants to be part of your life, no one is beyond saving but you have to help yourself, which means you need to talk to a medical professional. Just cause you push people away doesnt mean they wont come back. But by the sounds of it the first step is addressing what is going on with you. ', 'I am not saying that it wasnt the case. I was just tossing the possibility out there. If it is the case, I am surprised your doctors havent looked into different studies because that is you know a pretty rare thing to become immune that fast. ', 'If you fail, the honest truth, you will end up in a hospital on lockdown, and things with basically not longer be your decision. So the easiest solution to that is get help, and talk to people while the ball is in your court. As the poster below states exactly your gonna end up with a damaged body, and on lockdown, and shit will be a hell of a lot worse then the reason you decided suicide was worth in the first place. ', 'Have you consulted other medical professionals, is there nothing no one can do, medical science is pretty amazing. You have ever right to be angry, however by the sounds of it is not that doctors fault, you simply suffered likely one of the known complications and side effects, even if its rare. You cant blame another human being and effect their job and life, because you got fucked over by statistics combined with your genes. That being said, start talking to other docs, gather information, plenty of people become impotent at young ages for all kinds of reasons. Might help to find and talk to people in the same boat as you. ', 'Resources arent family, they are things like groups for victims of sexual assault, who are capable of hooking you up with a network of people to talk to, therapy, mental health, pretty much a host of things under the sun. Family and friends are support systems but they arent in a position to truly help you. Other groups are, unfortunately your story is not unique and plenty of people have unfortunately gone through what you have. ', 'Nothing like that is treatable, treatment by all means does not make things disappear. And therapy and support groups might be one of those things you always have to go do. Mental health treatment isnt magic you have to help yourself as well. ', 'It only wins if you let it, sometimes Depression is like ivy, its hard to kill but its manageable if you keeping cutting it back. Meds might not of helped you cause they werent the right meds. Talking to someone, combines with meds, other resources, and learning new coping skills might make a world of difference. And for the record fuck the people you go to school with, chances are you will never interact with those people again. No such thing as normal, everyone has flaws, demons, etc. ', 'Talk to your friends, let them know that you support them in whats going on with your life etc, and they dont have to hide it from you that you are willing to listen etc. ', 'Lockdown in the hospital its meds in a controlled environment etc, therapy all that good stuff. You have misread the law in AUS, I just googled it and said that if you make a suicide pact with someone and you fail and the other person dies then you can be charged with manslaughter, or manslaughter in regards to assisted suicide not in regards to just failing offing yourself. ', 'I will talk. Im up. Im fine with whatever you want to use. ', 'First never apologize for venting, we all need to vent. Look at this way, suicide and thoughts as such are not an easy thing to deal with, and no matter what life brings you in the future good or bad, remember that you are stronger than you think. Tonight you faced a true monster head on and won. Sometimes it really just all is relative so to speak. And if you ever want to talk, or anything I can help with inbox is open. No judgement. ', '-First of all Gay, totally not a Sin, that is shit invented by others to control and make them feel bad about themselves. - Figure out you, and what makes you happy. Fuck what others tell you sex is or what it should be about. -You do have emotions, they are likely repressed cause you are, deal with the above and I think it will open up all kinds of doors. -Weight is fixable, you want to drop some weight you can do it, and skin and other problems you can have it covered in a lot of places if it causes other medical problems. You might even find a doctor willing to do things for you free of charge. Change is possible, if you want it bad enough. -Sounds like you need to find out what you want to do with life, once you figure that out, work isnt work. - I will give you some blunt truth about meds, they do work and lots of people think that once they work they dont need them, but there is no shame of that. There are tons of meds on the market there is a combo that works for you, but you have to work with the doc to find that combo, which includes possible lifestyle changes etc. - Again sins are written by morons -FYI McCandless which is the guy from into the wild aka the real person there was no painless death, he starved to death from his own stupidity nothing about that is romantic, or smart. -Also no painless way to kill yourself, that is the absolute truth. Even pills can do a lot of damage and Pain before they kill you. Thats if they kill you, most people pass out and Vomiting in their sleep. ', 'OP the fact that you wrote this is a cry for help. It shows that you dont actually want to do what you are talking about doing. Talk to someone, your life is fixable, there are lots of resources and things for people that have gone through what you have. ', '911, safe than sorry and it will put your friend on the radar to get the help he needs, so he doesnt do it again. ', 'Hopefully they can figure out something. ', 'Thing will get better, college can happen at any age it doesnt have to happen now. You got lots of time. My suggestion is give it some more time, check out some more resources, sometimes when things are done in a pinch they dont work as well. Can you go to a college that is local, so you can live at home, work, get financial aid and go to school?My other advice to you is if these people were truly your friends they wouldnt just not communicate with you, in truth most people dont keep their high school friends through out life. ', 'I will ask this and I apologize if it doesnt work. Are you immune to drugs or is it a mental thing? Are you messing with yourself so to speak? Ie if you believe the drugs wont work, they wont. Often with Depression drugs alone dont do the trick. ', 'Yeah well maybe that is not a bad thing. Buddy sounds like he could use some intervention, and even when people think their parents are going to react badly often they do not, they are just happy their kid is not dead. ', 'So what do you like? College isnt for everyone but there might be a trade etc that is right up your alley. If you are having issues talk to a health professional as well they can hook you up with resources that are free that can help with coping methods etc. ', 'Your 17, you dont know what living is yet. That sounds horrible and harsh but its true. Talk to your parents, friends, someone you trust, get yourself help. ', 'Put it this way, if you Tired 23 times and failed there is a reason. If it was something you really wanted to do, you wouldnt have posted this, and you wouldnt have had 23 almost check outs. Youve been through some awful shit there is no denying that, and I am not trying to negate that. But living and thriving after something like that is possible, and you are not alone in your experiences or what you are feeling. Even if it feels that way.

Supportive

Prude bitch called 911 to treat a fucking bruise? A **fire truck**? *Seriously?* Im no lawyer, but I would assume a serious assault charge would require a professional and unbiased medical examination. It sounds like her ego took the biggest blow that evening, if anything (harass bystander, get punched, cry like a baby). Youre awesome for showing her that you wont take any shit from people who try to treat you like a doormat.Theres no way, dude. Youre going to be just fine. Id be surprised if they even showed up. My mom got a court summons by some dickhead police officers, who "interviewed" her while she was in a state of hysteria following a serious 5-car accident caused by heavy rain that almost killed us. She couldnt even form fucking sentences and the cop cited her for driving recklessly or some bullshit based on her incoherent babbling. I wanted to beat him unconscious. Court summons arrived in the mail later that month, all the days up to the court date I thought my mom was going to break down at any moment.Court date finally came, they had to drive all the way to Connecticut to the court. No sign of the policemen. Fuckers never even showed up. They didnt have a case and they knew it. We won by default.From one chemical engineer in-training to another. I salute you. Stand tall. PM me anytime you have a question or need to splooge your thoughts somewhere. Doesnt matter if I have no idea who you are. Ill listen.Let us know how it went.

Supportive

That reminded me of a scene in Crime and Punishment where Raskolnikov walks out of a bar, he find himself on a bridge and he is about to jump when a cart runs over a man nearby. I dont know what the point of me telling you this. I am sorry that youre feeling this way though, breakups are hard. It took me a year to get over mine. A long, shitty year. But things do get better, hang in there. If you want someone to chat with Im here to talk.', 'I read about a girl with schizophrenia who wrote about "bridging worlds" I cant say I understand what that would entail but could it be an option? ', 'My ex is diabetic, my sincere condolences for what youre going through. Ive seen how shitty it is when youre body doesnt have the food it needs. ', 'Ahh, Im so sorry thats all bad. Ive been in emotionally abusive relationships before, they are so emotionally taxing. How does she mess with your head? If you dont mind me asking. ', 'Well Im here to talk if youd like. Im sorry to hear you had a traumatic childhood. Depending on where you live I know there are a lot of support groups out there that can be pretty helpful. I did that for a while. ', 'Whats the life you want? ', 'Id be happy to chat with you :)', 'Youre never to old to play with toys! Im really sorry youre sad though, i wish I could help. What is your life had made it so bad? ', 'Im sorry youre going through so much, and Im sorry no one picked up at the hotline. Anything you want to get off your chest? Or just want to have some random conversation to distract you from the negative thoughts?', 'What did it feel like?', 'I dont know, I liked mine when I used to go. I didnt feel like I could trust my friends opinions on anything because I felt like they already had such harsh judgments on my life. I needed someone who knew nothing about me or my friends and who I could trust had significant level of intelligence to help me evaluate some situations and figure out if I was thinking clearly. Turns out I was mostly thinking clearly. She helped me clear up some other things. ', 'Have you tried talking to the about your concerns, or asking them why they have been acting like that? ', ':)', 'Do you live somewhere conservative or otherwise unaccepting of homosexuality? My heart goes out to you, I cant even imagine how much it must suck feel unaccepted by the world. If its any help at all I accept you for who you are 100%. Everyone has room for improvement, no one is perfect, but everyone deserves to be accepted and given a chance in this world.', 'Im sorry youre in so much Pain right now, it sounds like youre having a rough time. Ive been with someone who felt similar to you the way you do, he was scared that if he let me in close and I got to know him I would leave him. He put up a facade and I could see the way it Pain him. Im glad to hear youre getting help. If you want someone to talk to Im here to listen and chat<3', 'Reading through your posts Im kind of blown away with everything youve been through. Youre an incredibly strong person and Im sorry youre so lonely. ', 'I have some time to talk :)', 'What part of California are you in? I know the school district I live in hires subs and paras frequently and that would be a good in for am eventual teaching position I think. ', 'I was sitting in a coffee shop the other day and kept making eye contact with the guy sitting across from me. I never talked to him and was briefly heart broken when he left. I got over it just as fast but the example you made reminded me. Ive always had a hard time dealing with the transient nature of life. Every time I meet someone I hold on to this idea that were going to be friends forever even though I know its not true. And then when things eventually putter out it makes me sad. And youre right, I think that was a really good analogy. I hadnt thought about it that way. Relationships on here to come and go faster and more often that relationships made elsewhere on the internet. Sometimes I feel like Im acting offensively when I pop back into peoples life. Like since I havent been around the whole time what gives me the right to suddenly show up now.', 'Well I can try to help with the loneliness. What do you mean by a fucky friend? It sounds like you have an overwhelming amount of stuff going on in your life right now.', 'Im sorry youre going through all of this, youre clearly a Tired strong person to be able to live with this and still be able to form clear rational thoughts. I remember reading a story about a girl who had schizophrenia and eventually learned how to kind of build a bridge between her different dimensions so she could cope with all of the realities she had to deal with. Youre good at writing, do you think you could funnel some of this energy out into creative writing? ', 'Youre an incredibly strong person, to have made it through life with so few resources. Are there any housing programs in your area to help people who cant afford rent to transition into housing or maybe somewhere with subsidized housing? When youre Depression it can be near impossible to see what options are out there. How long have you been sleeping in motels and at peoples houses? ', 'What parts do you disagree with? ', 'Maybe its one of those times where you need to take inventory of friends and sort out who the real ones are? It seems like youve started that already. Have you tried talking to a therapist? Does the Delusional disorder seem like its getting worse?', 'How long have you felt suicidal. I did for a few months almost a year ago now, but it was triggered by circumstances so I know that can be Tired different from clinical Depression. I got out of it by forcing myself to do new things, meet new people and eventually moving out of a shitty place. ', 'Im so sorry you have had to deal with all of that. I cant even begin to imagine what it must be like to have to grapple with those memories and the emotions that go with them. I would want to get away too I think. Ive seen so many people come back from dark places and you still have so much life ahead of you. You must be a strong person want to become and emt and at 19 that is still pretty young. Its impressive. Im sorry if Im just rambling, I wish I was better at offering words to help people feel less Depression. But if you can become an EMT by 19 it seems to me like youd have a lot of untapped potential.', 'Totally understand :) ', 'I went through the same thing when I broke up with my ex. Distractions were what saved my life. ', 'I love science fiction. Im finishing up Stranger in a Strange Land now. At one part they talk about how when someone dies its really just like their soul is getting sent back to the end of the line so they can try again. I liked that, I think if I had to pick a theory on what happens after death to believe in itd be that one. But Im just rambling at this point and not being helpful Im sure.So you feel like youve just reached the end of your rope? When did this all start? It sounds like its more or less been a life long struggle.', 'Im sorry you are in so much Pain right now. Its hard to see through the Pain, but there is light out there somewhere and you can find it. You have people who are there for you, who love you, you dont need to go through this alone, they will support you. Try not to tell yourself things like, "my situation probably doesnt sound bad," dont discredit the Pain your feeling. If you feel it it is real. Fear and Anxiety are so hard to overcome, and it takes a lot of time and hard work, but just take things one day at a time and youll be okay. I live in California and there are times when no one in the room speaks English, I meet people everyday who can barely speak English. I dont judge them, in fact I admire them for making the effort to learn another language and the strength and courage it takes to move to a new country and start a new life somewhere. You have that courage in you and I admire it :) ', 'Finding people is hard, they come and go out of your life. I am surrounded by friends but I still feel lonely sometimes. What part of the world do you live in? I souls be really frustrated too if I couldnt leave my town easily. As for job hunting, it sucks, i am sorry youre having trouble with it. Maybe give yourself a break from it and start again refreshed in a month or so?', 'Relationships can cause emotions that are insanely difficult to deal with, and what youre going through sounds like its pretty intense. Im really sorry you are in so much Pain right now, but I promise it will get better. Its easy to underestimate the bodys ability to heal, both physically and emotionally. After my last relationship ended I felt like I would never find love like that again, that I was always going to have lingering Feeling unhappy that I couldnt shake. Just take things one day at a time, itll Pain but youre not going through this alone and each day it will Pain a little less. ', 'God that must have been terrifying. Its so hard to watch people treat themselves that way. At ten that probably forced you to grow up a lot too. I remember my ex would stay in bed all day and then Id hear him start throwing things at the door because his blood sugar would get so low he wouldnt want to move and Id have to bring him things to eat. Hows getting to work and stuff without a car? Is it doable?', 'That sounds overwhelming when its all added up. I still dont feel like Ive put myself back together since my last relationship ended. I wish I had better advice. are you still in university?', 'Ask family or friends if they need any help, handyman help, cleaning. Anything to do something for someone else. Youll be with people, keep yourself busy and feel accomplished for doing something. Youre not alone, and your life is beautiful and full of worth. ', 'You seriously were dealt a bad hand. I cant even imagine that much Pain. You cant blame yourself for all of it though, you sound like a genuinely good person. I dont really know what to say but Im here if you need to talk and I dont think you should give up on life yet. ', 'You know typed out a response to this Friday and just let it sit in an open tab for a few days because I felt like I needed to add something more and then never sent what I did have. I feel like I unintentionally end a lot of conversations that way. Its dumb. But think thats Tired beautifully put. Life is really about enjoying things while they are there, because nothing lasts forever. Friends are no exceptions. ', 'I read a book a couple years ago and one of the characters had Tinnitus that drove him crazy but there where times when he was at peace if he did something or something. I dont remember it all that well but it just really stuck out to me how awful it sounded =/ So again, Im Tired sorry for what you are going through, I can even begin to understand what its like. I hope they are able to find a way to help you at the other doctor.And Im glad I could help distract you, I love having people to talk to so feel free to hit me up any time, I get busy sometimes so I may not always be able to respond but if I can help Id be happy too.So is your job loud? If it is it would probably be worth leaving, would you be able to file a workmans comp claim or anything like that? ', 'Im sorry you have to deal with all that, it sounds shitty. Is their behavior in response to anything in particular? ', 'So it is a physical Pain?', 'Do you live in San Francisco? I think even if you at least work in SF you probably qualify for healthy sf and I think it includes mental health care. I remember when I was with my ex I did a lot of research on free/affordable psychiatric help and theres a decent amount in the bay area. Also if youre in Alameda County they have health pac. I dont know how much of this has changed with Obama care or whatever its called. But there are options out there that dont involve risking your life. Im from the bay area so Im more than willing to help you research options if youd like, also Im here to talk if you want someone to talk to. ', 'It seems like a reasonable concern to me. What have they done that have raised your suspicions? ', 'Im here to talk. What have you been in the hospital for? ', 'Whats wrong?', 'Damn, Im really sorry. Thats a lot of rough shit to deal with. I used to work in a middle school and know what is like to have students that dont give a shit, its pretty disheartening. Im really sorry about your loss, I cant evening imaging losing a child. Humans have an incredible ability to push through and grow stronger though, as a biologist Im sure you cab attest to the incredible adaptability of humans. But for now allow yourself time to be sad or angry or whatever emotion comes up. Vent and rant if you need to, Im here to listen if you want someone to talk to. ', 'Would couch surfing or staying with friends be an option while you saved up for a security deposit? Damn, thats so much to deal with Im so sorry you have to go through all that. You sound like you have figured out a clear path and know what you need to do to get better though, I think that counts for something. Im sorry about the obstacles standing in your way though. If you want someone to chat with or vent to Im here.', 'Happy Birthday. ', 'I went through that sort of thing with my ex. I never got through to him when we were dating, I dont know if I tried to hard or maybe he just wasnt ready to deal with things. We were together for three years and broke up 8 months ago, he just started coming around and talking to me about things. I think Anxiety is just one of those things that requires and insane amount of patients, a lot of baby steps, a lot of time. Some days will be better than others.Dont forget to take care of yourself though, its great that you are there for others but you need to be there for yourself too. Its really hard to be there for others when youre struggling yourself. ', 'I just spent my 22 birthday alone, none of my coworkers or friends remembered. It sucks, Im sorry youre alone on your birthday :( Id love to talk to you though, HAPPY BIRTHDAY! ', 'Hah, thats funny, I said the same thing when my teacher said that to me a year ago. "I wish someone had told me that sooner." But sometimes I wonder if people had told me that sooner and I just didnt want to hear it, or not even that I didnt *want* too, more like I wasnt ready to hear it. I think sometimes we just reach points in our lives when were ready to take things in. You are a real person and youre life has meaning, I promise. All of your feelings are completely valid. Sometimes the only way to figure out who we are is through who we are not. Im sorry youre chest hurts and I wish I could ease the Pain, the best I, or anyone, can do is try to help you carry these feelings until youre able to learn what to make of them. That being said, Im more than willing to talk/listen if you feel like unloading/venting/ranting. ', 'Life isnt about being happy, is about finding meaning. If you reach out to someone it probably will make them sad to learn about how much Pain youre r in, but thats okay. As humans we sometimes need to see our emotions reflected back to us in another human, or simply just to let the emotion out. Dont be afraid to reach out, happiness cannot be lost forever. ', 'Why do you feel that way about yourself?', 'You **can** fight it.Im sorry to hear about that girl, I know how it feels to know about something awful that is going on and be too far away to do much, but being there for her and supporting her is probably helping her more than you know. If you want to talk Im here :)', 'What are you studying? What do you want to do with your education? Focusing on school work can be really hard (Im supposed to be doing that right now hah) dont beat yourself up over having difficulties, Ive found the more I shame myself for not doing something the more Anxiety I feel when I think scout doing it. I dropped out of college too and when I went back I started with just two classes at a time and worked my way up to being a full time student. Its going to take me longer to transfer out of community college and some people veiwed it as me being lazy but in the end doing whats right for your own personal learning style is what really matters. ', 'You dont sound nuts at all! You sound like youre going through some pretty normal yet extremely difficult phases of the healing process. What are you majoring in? Do you have any ideas for where youd like to work? ', 'I dont think you should be so hard on yourself, you seem Tired smart. I grade is just a letter and C doesnt mean you wont get into a good college. And even if you do end up going to community college there isnt anything wrong with that. When I graduated high school I freaked out that I didnt get into the college I wanted and thought my life was over because I had to go to community colleges with "all the kids that werent good enough to go to a real college" but in reality as long as youre going to school youre doing better than like, 80% of the population.You probably hear this a lot and dont want to hear it again but here it goes: youre still so young and have SO MUCH ahead of you. After high school youll look back and think, "Why did that seem like such a big deal?" Youll meet new people and make new friends. Things change so much so fast and you wont want to miss out on a minute of it! BUt for now just take things one day at a time, you seem like a Tired strong, sound minded person and you can do this.', 'Ive been where you are before, its rough and Im really sorry youre going through this. I do think it is worth it to hang in there because the only thing that is guaranteed in life is change, so its likely things will get better. Even if you have to tough it through some shitty times. What brought all this on?', 'I dont think you are seeing things wrong. I think you are seeing the Pain and suffering in the world, its the curse of an active and intelligent mind and its overwhelming as all hell. But there is good in the world, and there are people out there leaving a positive trace. In my last relationship I was lied to for over a year straight and then I was cheated on, it was so incredibly crushing. I understand not wanting to trust people, its hard and risky, but I dont think you should trust anyone unless they really earn it anyways. Maybe try seeing a new doctor? Its worth shopping around and fining one that actually helps. It sounds like youre Tired smart and would have a lot of really interesting things to talk about.', 'If you feel like chatting with someone i wouldnt mind taking :)', 'Life testing everyone... that definitely resonates with me right now. Im not sure what lesson life is trying to teach me though. Have things been coming together perfectly for you? Or have you learned any lessons from life recently? ', 'What do you mean by disintegrate? Whats bothering you? ', 'What does a protectionist do? And I understand, pending to be happy to makes friends can just make me feel worse sometimes. What kind of things are you into? Do you go to conveys or plays or anything? And youve made one new friend (me) without having to be happy. ', 'I understand completely. And I agree, you cant get by with just online friends. We need real human bonds, physical contact is crucial to being human. I dont think the bonds made here should be a substitute for going out into the world and meeting people or spending time with people you already know. But if you can make meaningful bonds through reddit and meet people that can help you, the thats okay too, even its only for a few days at a time. I dont think its unhealthy, I just think its a different kind of friendship that isnt a substitute for friends you see in person. Our generation is pioneering this weird technological age where we have tools like the Internet and reddit. Somewhere along the line we decided the Internet wasnt "the real world" and invalidated the human interaction we have through it. I think that if you can use these tools as support to help you redefine your life so it isnt about Pain and suffering then thats awesome. Im sorry if Im talking to much, I feel like Ive had these ideas in my head for a while and for some reason you seem like someone I want to share them with. So I hope my replies are as relevant as I think they are. ', 'Damn. So theyre garnishing your wages automatically as it comes in? I add to deal with that for a while. How much until its paid off? ', 'That sounds like it could be really interesting, do you have any I could read?', 'You sound like youre in a pretty shitty spot right now and Im sorry to hear that. It seems like youre not dwelling on the bad things that are happening and that is good, but dont try to pass them off as not a big deal or act like they arent bad or affecting you negatively. I had an ex who had Diabetes mellitus and didnt take care of himself Tired well at all, it killed me to watch so I know how Pain it can be to have that around. Ill pray to the car gods to take it easy on you too, jesus! ', 'What kind of stage acting do you do?', 'Potential friend? I guess the point I was trying to make was that you dont always have to mask your emotions to meet people. And that sounds like a pretty cool job. ', 'This is just another experience, albeit not a pleasant one, that youll come out of having said you did it. Persevere through as much as your can but dont think there is any shame in saying, "this is not for me.". You *are not* pathetic in any way. You are brave for having taken so great a leap and you are equally as brave for being honest with yourself and admitting it isnt making you happy. ', 'Anxiety can be a huge bitch to deal with. Do you have a therapist you could talk to? They would certainly have the best advice for dealing with Anxiety. I like to be around family when mine gets bad. Or close friends. When thats not an option I try to channel the energy into something at least quasi productive. Im sorry youre going through all this,I hope things start looking up soon.', 'Its a scary thing to hear that someone you care about it suicidal. Do you think that you might be telling them about it because you do not really want to do it? im sorry youre so lonely, do you know what it is that triggered your Depression? ', 'I lost a close friend to a herein overdose recently and after that ended up cutting other friends that I know use out of my life. Not because theyre bad people but it was just Pain to feel like I couldnt help my friends and I didnt want to go through losing a friend to a overdose again. I dont know if it helps to hear that but I guess its some perspective from the other side. FDealing with Depression us isolating and it sucks. How old are you? If you dont mind me asking. ', 'I have no idea, did I say something wrong? Im sorry if I did. ', 'Its the little things in life :)', 'Haha I watched lion king with some students yesterday and cried like 3 times! Disney movies really know how to strike a chord. ', 'What kind of stuff have you gone through? What emotions do you consider to be your true emotions? What is the truth that you are trying to accept? ', 'Im so sorry for all the Pain youre in. Have you talked to a doctor about these things? If so did they have any advice? I cant even imagine what it must be like to be in that much Pain all the time. ', 'You got this :) taking the first step is the hardest part but once you get past that youll feel a lot better. Whenever I have to make phone calls like that I like to write out a list of steps and things I need to say. Then I try to detach myself from the conversation, like Im going. Into autopilot, or im someone else, or Im calling about someone else. Youre making a wise choice and to you most definitely have the strength to take this first step. Yo u have my support, let me know if you need anything :) ', 'What do you do while youre awake? Im sorry youre in so much Pain, if you feel like venting to a stranger Im all ears (eyes?) ', 'What do you do for work? And what do you study? ', 'If you ever do write and feel like letting someone read it i would love to. I cant even begin to imagine what it must be like inside your mind. Have you always been like this?', 'Im so happy that youre feeling better and Im glad I was able to help! You sound like a Tired strong person and even though its hard sometimes you are stronger than these urges. I believe it. If you want to keep chatting on Skype, or if you want to save it to chat later or anything feel free to PM me, I could always use another friend :)', 'No, you didnt say that. Just someone downvoted me so I thought maybe I did. ', 'Its not foolish! You dont need to choose, its totally possible! What field are you in? If you have money you can travel, you can meet people from all over the place. I have lots of friends who moved around once they got their job until they found the right city for them. It sounds like you have the opportunity to do that so dont let anyone make you feel like youre being foolish or naive, get out there and live life!!', 'Im glad to hear things are looking a little better. Small changes in perception now start to really add up down the road. ', 'Im so sorry youre going through this. I cant believe your husband is treating you like this, I know it will be Pain but it will probably be much better for you in the long run if you can get away from him. You deserve someone who appreciates everything you do and is happy to be with you. ', 'Sorry for the late reply, yesterday got kind of crazy. Death is extremely sad, and its more than okay the be sad about it. But its just as much a part of life as living is. Ive never been all that religious but I do feel like just the body dies and the soul is eternal. I do think consciousness can really die. The thing Ive noticed about dealing with death is sometimes it feel like the end of the world, and even at its worst you still somehow wake up the next day, and then the next day, and the next. And one day it isnt as Pain to think about them. I lost a really close friend last April and I still cry when I think about him sometimes, I still regret the last time we talked about making plans and never did. But I cant think about it now without feeling like Ive been kicked in the chest. ', 'Hello, Im here to talk. Death is a hard thing to dead with, Ive had to deal with a lot of it this past year. ', 'Being stalked is scary/ creepy, Im sorry those girls are bothering you. And Im Tired sorry to hear about your parents, it must have been really Pain losing them at such a young age. ', 'Do you work or go to school?', 'Everyone has something to offer. Even little things that you know somehow might make someones day a little brighter. Write someone a litter or a postcard. Go for a walk and look at how amazingly beautiful our world is. ', 'What kind of stuff are you dealing with? ', 'I think you are really helping them. Its hard to know what to say to people that need help or are really down, but a lot of the time just knowing someone cares enough to listen help enough. ', 'You definitely shouldnt be embarrassed!! But I completely understand at the same time. Everyone needs support sometimes, ESPECIALLY those who support others. I work in special ed so most of my job is helping students and its so draining. I would imagine your job would be even more draining. But rewarding, think of all the peoples whose lives you are positively impacting. I feel kind of hypocritical saying this because asking someone for help when I need it is something I still struggle with, but really there is nothing to be embarrassed or ashamed about. You are a strong person, and you deserve support from others. ', 'Hello, Im sorry youre dealing with all this right now. It sounds like youre on the right path to helping yourself; seeing a therapist, reaching out for support. I can understand wanting to withdraw when you get Depression, I went through the same thing not too long ago. I felt overwhelmed by everything and just wanted to spend time alone and not deal with people. I think forcing myself to hang around my friends helped me. Im not sure if that is good advice though.Do you feel like something triggered the Depression or is it more like youre brain just decided to do it. ', 'Life is hard, what kind of stuff are you going through right now? ', 'Well you are undoubtedly a fantastic writer, that brought me to tears. I always wanted to be a writer, Im going to school to be a teacher though because as it turns out the thought of anyone else reading my writing bothers me. What kind of stuff do you write?It must feel really shitty to always be on the losing side, Im sorry things havent worked out well for you. ', 'When youre in high school teachers and sometimes parents or other adults make it seem like if you dont do good in high school thats it, youre done forever. That is not how it really is, you have SO many more chances after high school! Dont let the Pressure of grades bring you down, you can always go to community college or some other type of trade school. Maybe after high school just get a job, save up, travel, take some time to see the world, or even just some other states. Move somewhere else and go to community college. Youre still so young and have so much ahead of you that you didnt even know was out there! ', 'What news did you get? ', 'Death is a truth and it can be beautiful (especially the way you have described it) but there is no reason to rush it. You will die one day, but hopefully it wont be for a long time. Youre still young and you have so much ahead of you, maybe one day someone will say something remarkable and life changing but you have to push through the Pain so you can give yourself that chance.', 'I see, I wish I was able to offer more useful advice or something. I can definitely understand how you can feel hopeless. I dont think you should give up home though, from an outsiders perspective (though it probably isnt worth much) it seems like there is still hope. Is it that you dont have the energy to go to the pharmacy to get the meds or you dont have the financial resources to get them? Also if you think it might help I could share your etsy page on facebook or something, just to help it get some coverage. ', 'I didt feel that way with my therapist. Maybe it depends on where you live. I feel like I did almost all the talking and she only stepped in to make observations that might help me see things differently or more clearly. Also coping mechanisms, those were super useful.', 'Im okay, how are you?', 'I dont know if I say I blame myself, more that I just cant wrap my mind around it. I guess I do blame myself for taking him and his friendship for granted. Now I just try to be there for people in my life every chance I get. Im glad to hear youre feeling stronger. You clearly got a lot of support but if you ever want someone to just talk to let me know :) ', 'Can you ask your fiance to stay with you today until you can get in to see your therapist tomorrow? Im sorry youre going through so much right now, it sounds terrible. ', 'Thats rough, I hope she makes some more changes soon. Diabetes is such a scary disease. And I hope the dealer fixes your car! What kind of stuff do you do for work?', 'I cant even imagine how tough it might be right now! I wish there was some way I could ease the Pain for you =/ And please do hit me up. And definitely see whats up with workmans comp. I used to work at the airport and saw people get comped for way less. What kind of work do you do?', 'Did this just happen or is this something that is going to happen?', 'I totally understand finding comfort in the BDSM lifestyle and using it as a way to cope with or escape from parts of everyday life, but maybe the more intense role play/ relationship dynamics should be saved for when youre in a more stable mental state. It could potentially be harmful to both you and your partner when youre not thinking straight. Thank being said Im so sorry youre hurting so much right now, that sounds like a difficult situations. Relationships ending are hard enough without one party trying to stay connected or blur the lines of friendship and relationship. Stay strong and Im here if you want to talk or vent.', 'Im free to chat as well :) ', 'Where are you? ', 'Anytime :)', 'Im sorry thin

Indicator

Thank you for sharing i hope everything goes well for you and best of luck finding a stable career!', 'Hey are you still there man can we talk', 'Hey theres a reason you have heard the "wait and eventually you will move out" because it seems to be the safest option alternatively you can contact child protection services or someone at your school like a principal or guidance counsellor. You have two other siblings do the right thing if you Fear your safety then this might not be the best option but its all you got its one shot killing yourself will just end everything I dont know if you believe in afterlife but I would bet my chips on it. even if you dont decide to talk about your parents please please please see a counsellor its important that you receive the support you need if you have any questions PM me', '^ i second this', 'Please seek help i know its cliche but we all need our support system and with your mother gone you need to build a new support system and seeking help can really solve that problem

Supportive

Sounds like you need closure.Ive been in some pretty bad places in my life. Ive done some really bad things. Ive Pain a lot of people.The only way yo move on is to get closure. \tWrite him a letter, and with it, leave the injured part of your soul in the ink. Move on.You dont have to write a letter, but you get the idea. Let him know how you feel about what you did. But again, leave it there. \tLeave it all there.Ive tried killing myself before. A few times.Im glad some days that I didnt. Ive overcome that constant Feeling unhappy and have achieved a lot of great \tthings, and have had something genuine \tgreat times.You need to confront your Feeling unhappy, and murder it, or it will murder you. Your Feeling unhappy is not who you are.

Attempt

You know, that does sound appealing. A white room is appealing because it is devoid of all sensory input. You want this because you are dissatisfied with something. It would provide the ultimate opportunity to rest, for people to me and you. Death is not that room. Death is the room at which all is black and your thoughts are forever frozen. No future existence of them is guaranteed, though it is possible. I often go for walks, or skis. When it is snowing it is Tired like that white room I imagine. A beautiful place. I believe in you.', 'Im just another being on this humble plane, but Id like to offer what advise I might have, so here goes. It may not get better at school. School is not the only place there is. Dont give up after trying one path; there are more and they are more different than you would believe. Life could probably get a lot better in your next stop; I bet youd be seriously motivated to succeed if you changed paths. Death is of course not what you really, really want. Wouldnt you like to try something exciting before passing on? How about this, there are people on reddit who would talk to you every day. Personally. Do you think that might help support you?

Supportive

Additionally, I dont want to die by being killed by something or someone other than myself. If I didnt die by committing suicide then no one will know how much Pain ive been in. They might remember me and be like, yeah, she had Suicidal thoughts, but was never serious.

Ideation

Hi,I want you to be happy. I want you to be free from the suffering. You seem to have a good heart. This is rare. I know a way to free yourself from external factors. A way to gain happiness within. Meditation changed my life. Im not talking about some esoteric bullshit. Im talking about transforming your mind. To live happy and peacefully. You deserve it. Just pm me and Ill tell you more.Take care friend!', 'And he is right! And think about all the other stuff that they programmed us with. Your worth in society for example. Its so fucked up what we were told. People kill themselves because they think they are not worth it. Worth it for what? There is no fucking reason to be alive. Dont be pressured into believing you have to be "worth" it. What does it even mean? Some arbitrary standard I have to life up to? Fuck that! Make your own standards. Dont look at what other people have or can do. Just look at yourself and what person you are. And to be honest, you seem like a decent guy! Cherish that!', '"itd be wasted on a selfish bastard like me". Dont hate yourself man! No reason for that. Everyone makes mistakes. Dont look back to the past. The past already happened. You cant influence it. Look at the present moment. You feel like you have been selfish in the past? Ok, just try to have better intentions next time. Trust me itll work.If you want to talk, Im from Germany but my english is fairly good. Just pm me! Ill listen to you. I do care about you! ', 'You should try to love yourself. See, maybe you fucked everything up (in your opinion) but you did it with the intention of being a good person. We have little control over what happens with us in our lifes (at least partly), but we shouldnt blame ourselves. For example, you are trying to get a job. Its not that you are too lazy or just cant be asked. You should love youself for that! You do care about your children...how many people dont do that. You should care about yourself because you are a good person. Its just that shit happened to you that was (for most parts) out of your control. Please get rid of that part in your thinking that says you dont deserve things or that you are not worth it. Unfortunately this is just conditioning. We are told from young age how to be and what it means to be worthy of living in society, etc. To be honest fuck all that. In my book it only counts how well your intentions are. If you are a good person with good intention you deserve to be loved. So love yourself!', 'Then keep trying. It takes some time, even years...but itll be worth it!', 'That. And analyze the way you think. Why do we all think we have to achieve something special? Its the same reason we want to have kids. To live on forever (or at least our genes or our name). Once you realize that your head is basically fucking with you its easier to just let these thoughts be and to not act upon them. Dont get me wrong, theres nothing wrong with trying to achieve something for yourself, but if it doesnt work out you shouldnt worry about it. We all suffered from conditioning throughout our lifes. Thats why we think we are not "worth it" or why we seek happiness in the wrong places.Try to not look at what others have. Instead try to look inside yourself and see what little thing can make you happy.I meditate and have to say that things are getting more and more clear for me. We have a lot of baggage in our lifes. Meditation helps me to "see" this baggage....hell, it lets me laugh about it. Its like you see your mind telling yourself "you are not worth it" but you know its just conditioning of your mind. It lets you see these things objectively. Helped (and is helping) me a lot! Pm me if you want to talk or if you want any more details about meditation.', 'First of all I want to say, I want you to live! Well, you might say that I dont know you and you would be right. But I feel for you. I want you to be ok. I do care about you. First of all I would recommend getting professional help. Not the first person that is available but someone who you feel comfortable talking with. Someone nice that can help you out.Secondly get a steady job. Even if its a crappy one. Try some jobs involving Cannabis. You got arrested for possesion, but people working in this industry (head shops, etc.) wouldnt mind hiring you. Im pretty sure. At least give it a try.Thirdly, get away from that crazy bitch...she sounds mad! You cannot help your children right now. You have to sort out your life first. But dont worry. Crazy as she is she will make stupid mistakes and the kids will be given to you when your life is sorted out. And even if that is not going to happen...once your kids are old enough they want to get to know you and they will realize what a nice guy you are and what a bitch she is.You could try out meditation btw. I helped me hugely during times of Anxiety and depression. Talk about it with your professional help or pm me if you want to know details about it.I hope this post will help you out in any way!Next time I meditate I will think about you. May you be free from Suffering and may you live in peace and harmony.Some guy from Germany who cares!', 'And why do you need a decent job? Why not pick up trash for example? Its good for the community and for the environment. Just because someone defined wastemen to be not a decent living? Well someone has to do it. Its not about having a great job. Just get a job where you can help people or the community.', 'See that is your problem. You tried to be something to prove to other people that they are wrong. Find something you want to be. You might still be a loser in the eyes of most people, but you know what...fuckem! Its not about them. You have to feel good about yourself. And you should! The universe doesnt care if you achieve something or not. Try to enjoy yourself.', 'I know what you mean. But realize this...your perspective on life is defined by the things you have been told and by the way you think.Here are two quotes from the buddha (a person, not a god, who was able to transform his mind):\xe2\x80\x9cWe are shaped by our thoughts; we become what we think. When the mind is pure, joy follows like a shadow that never leaves.\xe2\x80\x9dand\xe2\x80\x9cYou yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection.\xe2\x80\x9dIm pretty sure meditation might do you good. I have done it for several years. Please contact me for details. Dont worry, Im not religous. Meditation has nothing to do with the religion buddhism. Its exploring ones mind. This exploring might help you find out what it is you need to be happy (and not what you have been told what happiness is supposed to be).', 'They do. Because they are all conditioned into believing in a fairytale about happiness. Make a difference. Be a happy person. So that another kid that sees you will see that there are people who are different. Use meditation. Use it a lot. You said you meditated before. Tell me about it. What kind of meditation and for how long?', 'But why is that? You have been made to believe in certain facts, like:- you have to achieve something in your life.- you are a loser if you dont do something productive with your life.But who says this? Its been feed to you since you were a small child.And btw. you should check with a doctor. It could be that you have a chemical inbalance. That can be a serious problem and might influence the way you think and act. Check with a doctor, please!', 'Hell, I smoke everyday! Its all good. Just get any job and smoke in the evenings.', 'Why did you stop? And did you do metta (loving-kindness) meditation towards yourself?', 'Depends, doesnt it? Depends on from which point of view you look at it! You get around and go to new places. Use that! Find friends there. Talk to people. It all depends on your attitude. The mind is a powerful thing.', 'Go and get yourself some hobbies. Join any club that is cheap or for free. Good way to get to know people and to get to know girls (worked for me).

Supportive

Trying to without too many personal identifier details, but Im in school aiming at a Comptuer Science degree, though Ive often thought about swapping over to an English major, as I have some history in creative writing. The ludicrously low success rate of authors kind of keeps me going that direction, but that doesnt stop me from reading or writing my own works.Im also a sports enthusiast, and have a job on the side that involves teaching younger children how to better themselves at a particular sport. This is perhaps the most rewarding thing in my life, especially in 6 months intervals where I can really see the difference(s) Ive made, but Im not good enough, nor is there enough of a demand, to make this a career option.Most of my time is spent learning various aspects about different sciences; Im a sucker for things like Wired magazine, Popular Science, etc despite not really wanting to pursue any one of those fields. Reddit was a great discovery in that regard, because I get a lot more news about varying topics (and usually in a lot more detail) than I did from magazine subscriptions, but theres only so much I can attempt to occupy my mind with before I end up in a rut again.*EDIT*In regards to walking out, I tried that and all it does is cause more drama within the family. At the moment, Ive been absolutely refusing to attend a meal that wasnt scheduled ahead of time to my knowledge in which my mother will attend, more as a statement about the whole situation than trying to protect myself from any potential conflicts. However, even that causes grief between the parties, and itll only be a matter of time before my resolve wears out and I fold, becoming trapped in those kinds of situations far more frequently, where the cycle will renew.', 'I meant in regards to the sport in which I teach, not teaching in general.', 'Instead of recognizing her own limitations, shell attack her family members who try to help//point them out.Shes had serious health problems for my entire life, so shes always been on some form of medication or another. She also refuses to do things any way but her own, which would be relatively fine if she could talk about that with any of us, but instead, she always wants to use an intermediary. Because of this, Im always wary about visiting with her; there have been a number of times where weve gone out to dinner or something and arent told that shell be meeting us there and Ill receive and ear-full about whatever it is Ive done (or not done) thats bothering her that shes talked to my father about, and no amount of rationalizing or explanation will get me out of that.Its really sad when you have to second guess the motives of your parents for such simple things as dinner.', 'General distrust, ranging from an ultra-psychotic ex-girlfriend who was the main reason I ended up in a ward to begin with to an at times ultra-psychotic mother who went through a hell of a postpartum and is absurdly accident prone, most recently having been mostly crushed by a horse and being on the OFFENSIVE about her current problems//disabilities because of it.That, and I hold myself to be so much above the general populace, in particular because of my intelligence and because I have a better understanding of how things "work". It Pain me to know that Jersey Shore, for example, is even in the public eye, let alone that the life style is emulated and now mass-marketed.Its also really hard to walk through a mall and see a land-whale holding her child on a leash as it screams for attention because thats the only thing it knows how to do.

Indicator

Ironically social work. I never really had fun with his friends, he was just emotionally stable but really really really lazy. Our friends were mostly people from his program in university, so I never really had too much to talk to them about. I feel so guilty that I dont feel sad that hes gone. I just feel so lonely all the time now. ', 'Still got another two years to go haha. ', 'Yeah I think we can do it, we totally got this! But it is *hard* to be normal. I spend so much time and energy trying to make it appear that my life is groovy and drama free that everything I do these days feels like a lie. How does temporary academic leave work? Thanks so much for the reply.

Indicator

My close friends were worried. No I live in a dorm.', 'Yeah my ex goes to the same school. Some of my closer friends know, and Im sure there are currently rumors spreading. My family lives elsewhere in the state so I doubt they have heard anything.', 'Sad. Depressed. I wont be going to school for the next couple of weeks.

Ideation

Yeah, I try to think of myself as independent but at a certain point I give in to my Asthenia and realize I just need someone to talk to. Really talk to. ', 'Yeah, I have to wait it out unfortunately.', 'I cant stand it. *Internet hug*', 'Sorry for the late reply I had gone to bed. Because it takes so much time for me to get over someone and I get so emotionally attached. ', 'I admit this is such an attention-whore thing for me to do. Its true. Its hard to say but its true. Its just that lately Ive been feeling so unloved. I just needed to hear it from someone, even from a stranger. Even if they dont mean it I needed to hear it. ', 'Times like these make me almost 10x more suicidal. Thanks, Ill keep in mind that I can talk to you. ', 'Basically my reply to harv83, its a really petty reason to be sad but for some reason its killing me.', 'No one ever has time to talk to me. Which I understand. They have busy lives. But Im hanging on a thread and Im in a state of despair. ', 'Im so Depression and my problems are so petty I feel shamed to complain about them. ', 'I saw the words "thich nhat hanh" and it was familiar with me. If you know of Ajahn chahn one of the quotes that really resonated with me is:"There is nothing in this world that does anything to anyone. Nothing worth Crying over, nothing worth laughing, nothing is either inherently tragic or delightful."Which I am trying to live by. Things are only sad or bad if we perceive them that way. Everything is inherently empty until we fill them up with whatever meaning we give them. I am Tired much trying to think this way and keep this mentality although it IS hard. I believe if I keep trying Ill get closer to getting better at it.What you said about the Hungarian woman going back to her family, and what you said about love, I do believe thats what love entitles you to owe to it. No one reads the terms and agreement sheet for love lol. They just sign it at the bottom not knowing that Pain is part of it. Thank you again for just taking your time to message me and help me through this. I think its normal to feel what Im feeling but at the same time I wish my love for her was more....pure? maybe thats not a good word. Authentic/selfless. I wish my love wasnt founded on jealousy and insecurities because I know it is.', 'Thanks for being willing to listen. I hope you wont laugh at them they are simple problems. If I were to list them I guess you could say 1 - self loathing 2 - Existential crisis 3 - loneliness 4 - heartbreak ', 'I know I sound like a brat. Im really trying to be understanding of their busy lives but its been 4 months of being on the brink and 4 months of no one to support me but myself. Or Tired few times of those 4 months. Thank you for taking the time to listen. You know Ive just got so much on my mind I dont know where to start. ', 'Thank you. As pathetic as it sounds, I needed to hear that. From someone. From anyone.', 'So much, I honestly dont know where to start. ', 'Sure, Im down for a chat. ', 'Thank you, it means more than you can imagine to have someone willing to listen.', 'Lesbian here. Thank you, it really lights up my mood to hear those words. No one ever really tells it to me. So I admit I feel good hearing it, even from a stranger.', 'Its incredibly inspirational to read that. Because you, someone whos been though so much, is still where you are right now and its humbling to know that someone that had gone through that much still cares and takes my problem seriously.I wish this didnt Pain so much, I really wish it didnt. The truth is, it doesnt matter. Because in hindsight, 3 years from now none of this will matter and keeping this in mind does help a little bit.Im trying to learn to love selflessly. To love without expecting to be loved back and I think to do that I need to cultivate self love. And I have, but not enough to have it as the only love I need. And I do believe that is possible to reach. Im trying not to be so greedy with love but I need guidance.', 'Long story short, I have a friend I consider one of the closest people to me. Anyway, this friend has another friend, Friend A, and deep down, I always knew they loved friend A more than me and that made me incredibly jealous. Every time I talked to them about it they would deny it and say that they loved us equally. Anyway, recently they ended up admitting that they actually do, in fact, love friend A more than me and that just left me completely wrecked. And I know this is so fucking petty and such a dumb reason to be sad but Im crumbling right now.', 'I will definitely try and get in touch on Thursday. ', 'Lol I find them pretty laughable myself. Im glad you dont though. The heartbreak is pretty typical just me falling for someone with unreturned feelings. Unrequited love I suppose.', 'Its funny you mention Buddhism because I am Tired much into Buddhism. I am trying to use the philosophy on a day to day basis.You know what kills me the most? Jealousy. I am literally so goddamn jealous right now. What goes on in my mind is "Why cant I be first?" I think its partly because Ive known this person for so long and put so much into the friendship that it feels like I "deserve" it. Even though I know thats ego and that I should let go of ego.In some ways, I feel like I dont love her selflessly, because if I did, this wouldnt bother me. I love her with self-seeking intentions and I know a big chunk of me loves her not for who she is but so that she can love me. And I know that is selfish and I am trying not to be.I just dont know what to do to make the Pain stop and to silence the jealousy. It feels like its going to fucking kill me.

Ideation

Im sorry I couldnt answer sooner. I was away for the weekend. Im Tired glad you made plans and didnt give up. You can get through this. You have it in you I promise.I know you dont feel like doing anything or getting out right now but you can be happy again. You have made a habit of isolating yourself and feeling hopeless by living this way.It may take some practice, even if you dont feel motivated, but you gotta take some steps back towards living and get out of the isolation. It will come back to you and you will realize again what its like to want and enjoy when you consciously work on focusing your thoughts, making plans and taking steps towards it.', 'I did a lot of redditing today, which is unusual for me considering I only spend maybe 20 minutes to an hour on reddit most days.. but I stumbled upon two things. I searched "homeless" and while going through the countless accounts of people who have had it way worse than me I grew a much bigger appreciation for what I have that I always take for granted.I also saw this which I found heartwarming in a way, cause he effected so many people he never knew, and so do you. http://www.reddit.com/r/pics/comments/j3p23/found_this_memorial_for_a_homeless_person_under_a/I also ended up searching the word "kindness" and spent 2 hours renewing my faith in humanity as a whole as I read the countless threads of random acts of kindness that were accounted for through so many different people and in so many ways.I understand that life can suck, Pain, be Common cold and unforgiving.. Ive been on the same edge youre standing on now.. but I also learned while backing away from that edge and looking around, that this life can be beautiful and I really want to BE that beauty for someone else. Someone in life will need YOU someday the way you need someone now. So be strong though its tough and get through this, so that you can be the good in this world, because it is out there and the world needs more of it.PM me if you want to talk more. Id love to listen', 'Dont give in. I went through a lot at a young age and spent a year in deep Depression. Divorced at 21. I thought my life was over. I had a future and it was with her, then it was all ripped away and was thrown into a reality where I could write my own future, I just wasnt allowed to have her in it.. It was crushing.I made it through though, after a year of dark Suicidal feeling, and honestly I learned more about myself and about life in that year than I ever thought I would know. I learned who I was and what I truly wanted to do. Found real friends, and started a new life with a new future that fulfilled me more than I thought possible with her even.Talk to someone, even if its me. Its not pathetic, I had to call a suicide hotline cause all my friends were split with the divorce, and I felt like a bother to my parents. But you do need to get this off your chest, when you hide it away it grows and you isolate yourself and disconnect. Find friends, find out what you love to do and do it. Make plans because it gives you reason.PM me or reply, I will listen/share.Keep your head up, Ive been there and there is hope.', ':)', 'Well, I believe you can find it. Happiness that is..Just remember, dont limit yourself to one chance. I think its something like 85% of businesses dont succeed the first time.It takes time to work it out. Youll get there and we will be here if you ever need to be lifted back to your feet.', 'Please stay with us.Listen it will get better, but you cant wait for it to do it itself. Though its not always fun, if you dont water the plants they will wilt. So find out the things that made you happy and start making plans to do them and getting yourself doing something. Waiting can be the worst thing sometimes because if you can sit idle.Keep yourself doing things you enjoy, you may not feel motivated right now, but once you take a few steps and get going itll come back to you and youll lose that idle feeling.If you need someone to listen please PM me. Id love to hear from you', 'Wow man, Im proud of you being able to sober up like that. Honestly that takes a lot for someone to commit to.I want you to know that you add more to this world than you can imagine and more than you will ever know. I stumbled across this memoir for a homeless man who had no one and lived alone under a bridge with cans in a cart. When he passed away in his sleep on night, it impacted those who occasionally just saw him in the area picking up cans so much they wrote and left a memorial for him under his bridge where he used to sleep. Signed by all the coworkers etc that remembered him.Even a flicker of light can brighten up a dark world. There seems to be so much ugly in this world, but when you search "kindness" on reddit you will have a renewed faith in humanity. What Im also getting at is you can be that for someone too. Just as much as you need someone now, someday someone may need you. Even if its just a smile from across the room while they had a terrible day.Dont give up, find someone to talk to who can listen and be understanding. Professional help if necessary. You have so much to live for and so many lives to impact still. You can PM me anytime, Im here to listen/share. Ive been there and back.', 'Dont give in please.You want to want to live. There IS something that makes you happy, due to the fact that if there wasnt a contrast to misery, it wouldnt BE misery.Talk to someone about this, or about anything really. Its this late night / isolated mind wandering that pulls you away from the world and grows inside of you. You have to un-isolate yourself and relieve it.Please talk to me if you need someone to hear you out or share my own experiences. PM or here', 'Well, I wouldnt consider spite the best motivation, but the point is you can do this without her if you have to. My ex girlfriend was kicked out at 15 and had to make her way in the UK since then, still going to school even taking care of some of her siblings etc. She found a way.It is tough I know, but you can rise above this. Friends or family may be able to help you with somewhere to stay, if not a shelter for now, just til you get on your feet. Honestly, if your mother is like most she will ask you back. If not, youll be stronger for this.Dont let someone else be the reason you "cant make it". That is YOUR choice to make. You can still make it even though she doesnt want to help. I believe in you and I care. Please talk to someone and you can PM me or reply here.Keep your head up, youre going to get through this and taking the right steps you will overcome this and be stronger for it.', 'Im really sorry that you feel this way. I want you to know that Im also one of the people who love too much at times. Thats why I subscribed here.Look, these people you talked about love you. You and I, we just view things differently on how to love and show it. I learned over the years that most everything in life comes down to perspective. We show love and receive love in different ways. We love hard and with everything, but we do it in specific ways. I tend to give gifts, verbally affirm, and do things for people to show them that love. Unfortunately some people dont effectively receive love in these ways.The biggest problem with this fact is that it takes both to understand each others give and take for it to work best. Since most people will never talk about this everyone just expects that when they are showing love, its being effectively received, when in many cases it isnt.Though you may not go have this convo with each person you know to solve the inherent issue. You can understand that maybe youre just not seeing the way they are trying to show you their love. I know my parents didnt seem to show me love the way I was expecting it. I also knew deep down they did love me though. Eventually I understood they were showing me, and I wasnt seeing it because I expected it in certain ways, while they were smothering me in a completely different way.Look, I know people say "wait, it will get better." and it can, but if you just "wait" its not going to. Change nothing, and the results will remain the same. So time to change some things and it will get better. Learn and find a better understanding of love, and your friends and family. Spend time with friends and family and dont disconnect or isolate yourself. Talk to someone, anyone, to relive this Pressure when you feel it. And start taking steps to be happy again because ultimately its up to you doing something about it. I promise you that you have everything it takes to overcome this already inside you if you will take the steps. Keep your head up. You can reply or PM me anytime if you need and I will listen.', 'Im really sorry that you are feeling like this. I know it sucks, Ive been through deep Depression and divorce at 21. And not having anyone your age have any clue what thats like seemed to make it so much harder.Anyway, what I noticed from what youve said is that youre obviously Tired. You feel like youve tried a lot and nothing came of it. The things you wanted to come of it seemed to be "relationships". Someone to talk to and be there for you or maybe a boyfriend or both.Well, It seems that you are waiting for something and expecting results. The problem is waiting and doing nothing doesnt change anything. To achieve results you must take steps. You also need to understand ahead of time that there will be bumps and when they happen, you just pick up and keep going instead of throw up your Weakness of hand and give in.No one can fix you. I promise you though that you have everything it takes to be happy and to find those things you need. Spend time out with friends and make new friends if you have to. All you need is to go hangout with people that like to do simple things like eat lunch, see a movie, go to the beach, etc.I care about you and I read all of this because I want to be here for you and to let you know that you will get through this. PM me or reply and I will listen. Keep your head up and start taking steps, start living.', 'Well again, if you want this, you have to do something about it. Sometimes things just happen. Rarely do they happen just the way you want. Time to stop sitting and waiting for another accidental hookup. Start thinking more positive and stop dwelling on these negative thoughts. It isnt true that there arent single people that you could want to date. Build up your confidence.You deserve to be happy and be happy with someone. It is a desire you have to be with someone and that person is out there looking for the same. I promise you wont find them if you dont seek them and Its not likely to fall into your lap if you dont pursue it.You need to fix this perspective of being the only one without someone, and being a beggar. I can tell through this conversation you are a smart guy, and you have plenty to offer someone. You have everything it takes to make this happen, but you gotta actually decide to make this happen. Get out there, keep your head up, and make something happen', 'Well I urge you to throw away the idea altogether. Remove it from being a choice. Everything it takes to over come this is already inside of you.What worries me about you keeping that "just in case" is that you and I both know that at some point, even when you are taking the right steps, something will disappoint you and you are going to face the feeling again. I dont want you to say "welp ok" You need to know it ahead of time and prepare yourself by saying, well I am making progress.. and this feeling has passed before, I need to keep going."If youre going through hell, keep going." Youll make your way out. Keep your head up.', 'Well from what youve said it seems the main issue that is causing this feeling for you is the isolation and loneliness.Nothing is wrong with you those people dont have it easier than you. It seems that you are waiting for another "leader group" to force you into a social scenario?Its up to you. Waiting around will bring no resolve to the issue no matter how much you dwell on these thoughts. It only isolates you further and the feelings seem to overwhelm. You need to talk about it, so Im glad youre here to vent. We cant fix you but you can.Now, its up to you to go out meet people, hang out with your friends, go out to lunch and movies etc. Facebook is one good way of networking, mutual friends, group trips to the beach, etc. You have everything it takes to overcome this situation and be happy again. It just takes you making it happen.Feel free to PM me or reply here to talk, Im here to listen/share. Keep your head up and start living.', 'Yes! I already have Death Note Downloaded and ready, I watched like half a season before but now I got all of it and the "movie" they made too :)', 'Dude, PLEASE tell me youre still with us?Money wont mean a thing when they miss their father and cant get him back :(You asked yourself: "Whats the reason to keep living?" and I can tell you. As much as you need someone now, there is someone, who may not even know you yet, that will need someone and thats you. You arent a selfish person, and you have a good heart. You know how I know that you have a good heart? Cause you are Worried still about your kids, and your parents when YOU are the one in need right now. Thats character my friend. But I also want you to know, that if youre uncomfortable talking with them, please PM me I have been through it all and I dont want you to make a mistake you cant undo.Dont give up, we need you.', 'Sorry I couldnt answer sooner, I was out of town for the weekend.I dont think others consider you scum. Also its time to change your perspective a bit and not allow everyone else to direct your well being.The quote goes: "If youre going through hell, keep going." The point is that if you stop where you are, you will stay in this hell. You have the choice to keep going though. When you take the steps to make a change and realize you have everything it takes to overcome this, you can find happiness and independence again.', 'You are young, but that doesnt discredit the feelings you have. I can actually say that at that age things seem to crash down so much harder due to a lack of experience or an inability to be independent and have to deal with parents etc.That said, It gets better, and you impact so many lives you dont even know. If other alternatives arent available now, you can talk to us, or even a hotline. Ive called hotlines myself and its good to just vent to someone who cares to listen and be understanding. You said that you have hidden the Depression for years and I think that is the biggest issue that leads to this. Getting it out and off your chest alleviates that Pressure, and helps you be understood and start towards getting away from it.You can feel free to PM me or reply here and Ill listen/share. Please dont make that mistake, Ive been there and Ive learned so much and become so much better through it. There are so many things for you to still do', 'Well, I went through divorce at 21 and a Tired real deep Depression for a solid year before I found out what I really wanted in life. It also took me a year of searching, and finding the right friends, and the right people to do this with. But that year, though it was the darkest, taught me more about myself than I ever thought I needed to know. 3 years later Im doing what I dreamed of and working towards my goals still. I finally found friends I can consider family (they have a million faults of their own as well lol) and Im finally happy again and wanting to give it to everyone who needed it like i did.Something you may consider, is the fact that when people dont have any plans, it leaves them without reason. Having something as simple as a plan to see a certain movie, or meet for lunch next Asthenia is huge. Even head to another state to visit in a couple months etc. Things that you want to do, not just things that are suggested and you do cause you "should".I care and I really hope this helps you, keep your chin up and please PM or reply here anytime', 'Im so sorry :/ Ive dealt with loss, but cant honestly say I fully understand the Pain you are in due to the circumstances. I hope you decide to ditch the alcohol and drugs cause I dont want to see anymore Pain.Also please PM me if you want to talk to someone..Also, please know, that though there is and always will be a huge part of your life missing.. there is so much more for you to keep living for. You have family and friends as well and they want to see you sober and happy. Someone is going to need you, the same way you need someone now.*hugs*', 'Well you say you love them? Love is also a verb. Its an action. You leaving them behind is no act of love it is an act of self. You can find rest comfort and relaxation here now, and fix this situation. You are just being unwilling to take the steps to do so.Im not arguing with you. Im just telling you that there are many ways for you to get better and be there for your family, as well as be happy again.', 'As am I. PM me anytime you need someone to talk to', 'Well you should get back into some! And keep the suggestions coming when you find new good ones! Definitely watch Claymore though, Ive watched it through twice (only two seasons, like 34 episodes) and I still enjoy it :)', 'Yeah, dont worry too much! I wouldnt dwell on thoughts like this too often just due to the morbid nature, but If you are having trouble with it face it head on and talk with some people about it. Learn a little about dreaming and what you can do to influence them. We Fear that which we dont understand :)', 'To be honest, nobody truly understands anyone. Its the beauty of life really. In the same way that we are all unique, we are all the same.You just need to change your perspective a little. Realize that you are unique and for someone to truly understand you to the core they would have had to live your life feeling everything you felt. Its okay that they dont. It makes you, you. And you are a stronger person when you understand this about yourself. You just cant expect others to understand you.You should talk about it with someone though. It does help them understand why you feel the way you do if you can explain things to them. They arent meant to fix it, but talking about it helps relieve the Pressure.Lastly stop trying to live for everyone else. You said you will never get what you want, so you know what you want. Time to start living and go after it. You should also get out and spend time with friends who can enjoy that same things. Isolating and disconnecting only make things worse.I believe youll get through this and I know you have everything that you need to get through this already inside of you. PM me or reply if you need someone to listen or share. Ive been through deep Depression myself, and there is a way out for you if you are willing to take a step.', 'Its not about it becoming "More manageable" people who say "Wait it will get better" are wrong. Its insanity to believe that by waiting, or essentially doing the same thing, that you are going to get different results. Stop wasting time waiting around.No one can change things for you except you. Its your perspective being skewed. You think that every time something goes wrong you need to throw your Weakness of hand up because "Well it just never gets better". Try understanding that things are going to happen, and not all of it is ideal. You dont have to take it so hard, you can understand and know that its not the end of the world and you can grow from it instead and go on being happy.You have everything it takes to get better and be happy. Problem is youre not doing anything about it yourself. Therapist can listen and suggest, and meds can throw chemicals at you. but essentially Its completely up to you to put any of it in action, including actually consciously redirecting your thoughts to that of positive plans and thinking.So stop wasting time waiting around and talk about it to vent, do something with friends, make plans. You dont have friends? Go make some. It literally just takes hanging out with people who can enjoy the same food or movies etc.Time to stop waiting and start living. Keep your head up and if you want someone to listen or share PM or reply and Im your guy.', 'Awesome man, Im relieved and happy to hear it. Keep in touch, Im here anytime.', 'Understandable. Fear of the unknown is probably the most natural Fear to have. Instead though we can be certain that we have what it takes and we can sculpt our future by making the right choices.Youre Tired welcome. Were here for you. If you ever want to talk through anything or need someone to listen reply or PM me. Dont Fear it! take control of it. We cant control everything, but we make our own choices and can make our futures in doing so.', 'Well youre right, if you allowed yourself to truly feel these things and connect you wouldnt be here.But you are at least showing that you know you have control. Now what I think you should do is consciously realize this when it comes up and decide consciously to let those feelings out (not hold them in) and find a way to do that. Talking to someone (me if you want) is one way, two would be put on your favorite happy song and say out loud "im letting it go" and feel the relief, and third might just be to get out of the house and grab food with a friend.That would be my direction for getting rid of the negative, but how do you get back to the positive? Id say that THIS is where connect truly and allow your feelings to come through. I would also say that at this point you are emotionally delicate, so I wouldnt go trying to fall in love with someone who hasnt proven themselves out yaknow? Dont set yourself up for Pain, but definitely allow yourself to feel what is real.For instance, enjoy a day out and dont do it cause you "should" do it because you love the beach, or you love to go downtown with friends. Make friends, find the things that you do want in life and head toward them, find some steps.I think that a big problem with Depression, is a lack of plans. I think that not knowing what you will be doing in the near future, leads to a lack of desire for the future. So find some awesome stuff to throw on the calendar like a trip to a close by city with some friends, maybe a trip to another state in a few months etc.I guess what Im saying is, if youve learned that you can "feel everything" and also "feel nothing" there is a way for you to decide what will affect you and what exactly you choose to feel in a way. So remember, dont hold in the bad stuff (let it out in a good way) and allow yourself to connect with the good.You are a good guy, you are still caring about family at a time like this and its important to have those things you care about. Im glad youre here talking with us. Keep your head up and keep in touch!', 'Im sorry. I care about you and I want to help if I can.I promise you that you have everything it takes to overcome this and achieve exactly what you wish for. The feeling is something you need to consciously recognize and replace with the determination to achieve the plans you set for yourself, like getting to med school and becoming a doctor. You know itll take years anyway. You know its going to be pretty hard. Whats it matter if you take a year off to work and save, meanwhile enjoying time with friends and traveling a little? Get your mind back on track kinda thing. The school will still be there waiting for you.Youre Exhaustion yourself and when you overdo it it can weigh on your emotions like it is right now. Take a step back, take a breath and just get everything in order again. It will help tons. Also talk to someone (me if you have to, I will listen/share). Its not about someone else being able to fix the problem for you, or someone being able to understand what you feel, cause honestly they cant truly, but its about getting it off your chest. When you hide/ignore it, it grows heavy and you isolate yourself which causes it to get worse in turn. So relieve the Stress by just talking to someone. Vent a little.People say "it gets better" and I truly believe it can, but I also know for a fact it wont if you dont actually do anything to change it. So its more like, "Take the right steps, and it will get better"Anyway, I want you to know you have so much to live for ahead of you. I went through divorce at 21 and it destroyed my life, friends, future, etc. I made it through a deep Depression of a year. You can too and there is so much on the other side, with or without the guy, with or without the school. If its what you want, there is a way. Work, save, loans, networking etc. Youll figure it out and youll be able to smile again and enjoy every second.Please PM or reply me to talk/vent, I will listen*EDIT: Oh also its important to get out and spend time with friends. You say you dont have any so find some. Go hang out and grab lunch or see a movie with some people. Facebook even makes it pretty easy. They dont need to be super amazing friends, just people who you can enjoy hanging out with. It helps a lot to stop isolating yourself and consciously guard your thoughts and direct them toward your goals.', 'Please dont leave us! no amount of time is ever long enough to quit! We dont hate you here, and I can tell you that though I dont know you, I truly care and I dont want you to go. You dont have to do this alone either. I am personally willing to hear you out and respond asap if you ever need to talk just shoot me a PM!! Ive been there', 'Time to stop doing whats required of you, stop trying to meet expectations, and stop coping.Time to start living my friend.From the sounds of it your motivations have just been off, and though you can do the Tired same thing twice in a row, the results can vary vastly when motivation is taken into account.You dont want to work up energy to do what you dont wish to do. No one does, and it appears youve done enough of that. So its time to get back to you and what you love and enjoy. Find out those things that once made you happy. Music, activities, sports, etc. and involve them in your life.Also Talk to someone. Someone who can listen and be understanding, even if it takes professional help. I am here if you ever want to talk as well, you can PM me.You have much more to live for and experience and so many peoples lives left to impact. Dont give in cause of this feeling. Ive been there and Ive come to realize I learned a lot about myself and life through it and Im happy as ever to still be here.', 'Well, Ill tell you this. People say to wait, for one reason. Someone who is thinking suicide is usually just under too much Pressure at the moment to think critically and make the best choice. Also once the wait part is over the idea is to move on from that thought and plan and act on getting better and finding what makes you happy to move toward.That being said, I can almost surely tell you why, even though youve waited a year, you still are thinking of going through with this: You spent that year, planning your suicide.Now, if you spent that year doing something you enjoyed on occasion with friends and such and planning a trip to the Bahamas, I think your results would be more like, you being excited that youre about to head to the Bahamas with friends.You are dwelling on it, so it will consume your thoughts. The same way a newly dating boy will dwell on everything about the girl. Her laugh, smile, and when he passes by something that reminds him of her. I feel that Suicidal thoughts can be similar in a way. Its what you think you want, and so when anything that remotely reminds you of such it brings your mind back to that. Disappointment, alone, unhappy, whatever it may be.Anyway, like I said, you feel compelled to because you have planned to. Break off those plans and make new ones. Ones that involve the things you love and the people you enjoy. It can change everything, but nothing changes without you taking those steps to do so.Im here for you. Dont make a Injury of muscle mistake.', 'Thats perfectly okay. You dont have to take medicine to alter your moods. Its a perspective/mind thing combined with the actions you take.EDIT: what was the ego shattering experience?You will get through this. Just start living man. Ive been through it myself. Its so worth it.', 'Well I would say that it is pretty directly linked to that then, dont worry yourself too much and try to avoid the negative thoughts like suicide.I went through a divorce at 21 years old and it was the hardest year of my entire life, but I learned the most about myself and what I truly wanted to do that year.If you need to talk, about it, or just to talk you can PM me and Ill listen/share.Chin up, it will get better. Feelings just take a little time to subside, but please dont act on them.', 'Well, Im truly sorry that you feel this way, but to be honest, its not therapy, medication, or parents that can solve the issue.The only thing that can change this feeling is you. Everything else you mentioned is literally just support to help you do it. It all comes down to you changing your actions and consciously changing your thoughts. You can take pills and have people tell you what to do all day, but until you decide to make that happen, nothing changes and the feeling remains.No more dwelling on it, time to start living. Go get friends, a job, enjoy yourself, and have a life. Dont disconnect and isolate.Keep your head up, we are here cause we care about you. PM or reply and I will listen.', 'Woah man :/ Im so so sorry..I couldnt imagine. I had to go through a divorce at 21 which isnt quite comparable, but to know what your future is with somebody like its a fact, and then your whole future be ripped away like that and left for you to re write, was miserable knowing it was a choice she made.I can tell you this, the first year after that, was the hardest year of my life. Right around a year I ended up calling a suicide hotline as a last resort at 3 am and she finally comforted me by just being there to hear me cry and talk. She turned me back towards the world I disconnected myself from and I found a whole new life ahead. Find out who I was again, and what I really wanted to do.Look, I know its hard friend, but you still deserve to find happiness and I promise you thats what they wanted for you too. It may take new friends, and a change of scenery but itll be worth it.Please keep your head up and PM me or reply here if you need anyone to listen/share', 'Keep your head up. I went through divorce at 21 and it was devastating. I understand the feeling.If you want to talk Im down to listen/share just reply or PM me. Youll get through this.', 'I got to a point where I felt so Depression and alone even though my parents ( who I knew loved me ) where downstairs, that I called a suicide hotline to talk and she brought up a great point that night. I put myself in a situation late late at night and alone where all I had was time to think about how sad I was. She encouraged me to calm and sleep eventually and it got me through the night.After that I did my best to keep myself in what good company I could and sleep at decent times, keeping my mind occupied on positive things I enjoyed doing. What things do you enjoy?', 'What you should know is, high school seems to be a much bigger deal at the time than it really is. Everything does. Not that education isnt important, but it doesnt mean the end of the world. You can always fix things.Though it may seem easier to have a fresh start. A fresh start has its own problems as well. You havent ruined your life by any means. You also have everything it takes to overcome these problems and you can go anywhere in life you choose to. Thats the issue people have. Choosing to do it. You have to decide to do it and take the steps to follow through. If you do the same thing you are doing now, nothing will change.Its hard to see now, but you will get through this and if you decide to now, you can fix this and overcome it. Keep your head up and be happy through it. Reply or PM me anytime if you want to talk to someone', 'First off, youve made it through so much already, dont give up now. So many people get discouraged by the inability to see the top of a mountain through the storms and turn back so close to the summit. Please dont make this mistake.I know times seem to be impossible for you at the moment, but I know there is someone somewhere who has overcome worse to do great things and be happy. The happy side of it comes from deciding to no longer dwell on these thoughts and make the choice to b

Behavior

I know the feeling of being cheated on. Ive been told to my face by my ex-boyfriend that hes never loved me at all. Never got a confession for the cheating, either, so I completely understand where you are coming from.Im really really impressed that youve been strong enough to keep it together for your family, especially for your kids. I can tell from your post that youre a genuinely kind-hearted person since the blame you put on your wife is so minimal, and no matter how Tired you get I hope that seeing your children makes it worth it.Let me know if you want to talk more, and chin up. ><', 'Can anyone call an ambulance??', 'If someone thinks youre a burden to them then its not worth continuing to seek a close relationship with them. ', 'You described exactly how I feel about relationships. On the one hand, I feel like I can really make a difference in someones life if I were to be in a relationship with them, but... That kind of thinking led me to a one-sided and toxic relationship. I think everyone is deserving of love, but I cant see anything to love in me. I dont know. Youre right, its hard to tell what is a lie and what isnt.', 'I had an ex-boyfriend who was (and might still be) ashamed of his homosexuality. He tried for years to fit into normal societal standards, and one of those attempts to fit in involved dating me for nine months. He doesnt plan on openly coming out. He was also Suicidal but he told me that he continued to live for the betterment of others. Maybe talking to someone would help. There is absolutely nothing wrong with being gay, and I am sure that you have positive attributes that you should focus on. In terms of fixing it, I dont think you can or should change who you are attracted to. You cant help it, but there is nothing wrong with it. Please message me if you want to talk more. Hearing this makes me really sad, and I want to be of some help, in any way.', 'Sorry to hear that, routines can suck. Have you tried taking up a hobby, like running? I started playing basketball when I got Tired of the same old, same old.Why do you think people are upset at you? :(', 'Okay, haha. It takes your eyes a bit of time to adjust to the dark and see the stars clearly! But doing that made me feel at ease with the problems in my life, kinda like how someone needs to be in a dark for a while before their eyes adjust to see the brighter things.', 'Me too. ', 'Yeah, I was at that point a few months ago. Its something you cant shake off until you finally wake up one day and decide that youre done being Tired. What have you tried?It seems to me like you should go out and meet new people who appreciate you. Just because people blame you for things doesnt mean that youre to blame for them, you know? And you should never feel like a burden or be told that you are, its the worst feeling and if someone tells you that youre a burden, theyre not someone worth being around.', 'I really like your interpretation of this movie.', 'Good for you, OP! Its a big thing and you should be proud', 'As a fellow writer, I cant wait to read your book. Let me know when it comes out! ', 'Why do you think that? I want to talk with you! Hows it going?', 'You were told that you were intelligent and kind. You also mentioned that people wished to be like you (in my opinion, this is one of the sweetest compliments ever). These are the qualities that people most admire about you, and who knows, those qualities that you dont see might be what people use to encourage themselves to improve.You dont feel good looking but girls see something in you! Appearances arent going to last forever. Girls notice that youre kind and intelligent. To me, you seem like a guy who is honest yet critical of himself, and if that is your most worrisome imperfection then you are already a great person by principle.Im glad to hear that you have some days when youll accept yourself, and its no surprise that there will be bad days. There will be horrible days, too, but there will also be great days. I know because Ive been through it too. You will learn to adapt to the changes, gradually.I used to be better at handling loneliness because I was never truly close to someone. So when I first met someone I was truly close with, I felt like I had been waiting forever to meet him. We made promises to be there for each other. To me, promises are always kept... Especially in relationships and close friendships. When he left, I learned something-- The first person who leaves you after a promise wont be the last person to leave you. People come and go, this is a fact. You just gotta keep going because eventually someone who has been through what youve been through will stay. And I think that is worth all that youve been through. It is worth believing.Im just like you. Its so hard for me to open up. But six months later, Im learning that its okay to open up. Sometimes I just cant, even if I try, but I just have to remind myself that itll be worth it. I get that youre trying, and all Im doing is trying too, because if we dont try well get nowhere. I get you.And dont worry about rambling (ahh dont apologize!). Im glad you made it through today, I feel grateful to have met you and talked to you, actually. We can talk more if youd like c:', 'I agree 100%. Dont make decisions when emotions are flooding your thoughts.', 'This sounds almost exactly like me, except for the freezing up (I project too much confidence and come off as someone with an ego). I just want to let you know that youre not going through this alone, and that if you need someone to talk to Id be glad to have girl talks with you. : )It helped me a lot to think about my self as someone that I should stay alive for. Its easy to forget about yourself when youre always thinking of the needs of others, so just remember that you are someone worth caring about.Ive also never thought about killing myself intentionally, like, the thought of having someone have to clean up my mess keeps me from entertaining the thought of suicide. ', 'Thank you for sharing your thoughts. I cannot promise that it will get better, but I am in the same place as you, and there is something about not going through this alone that makes me want to keep trying. I hope it gets better for you.', 'You know what you should do if life gets repetitive? Take a walk, or maybe a deep breath if youre living in the middle of the ocean. It will help.When I had troubles, I used to go out at night to stare at the stars (living in a highly populated area, I was considered lucky if I even saw one). It gave me a break from the repetitiveness in my life. When I was done with one place, Id move onto the next. Being able to go out gave me something to look forward to. You could also try to talk to someone. Im proud of you for being 4 months clean. :D', 'Dear Angus,You sound like a wonderful person. I read your replies to the other comments that were made on this page, and from what I can tell you seem to be a good person. Genuinely good people are hard to find these days (you know, people who try their best to make others happy without asking for anything in return). So I have a reason to stay alive for you: Stay alive because you are one of the few good things left in this world. You know that word "hope"? Yeah, people like you are the reason why we have it. The world would be a lot dimmer without you. It can be tough at times. Whenever you feel Tired or upset, think about the impact you have on other people. The stranger on the street that you smiled at, the woman whom you held the door for, etc. Im sure you make a lot of people happy. One upset person doesnt mean everyone is upset.Good luck,Tater', 'Ive been joking more and more often about suicide lately. It makes the thought of suicide easier to cope with, as in, it makes it seem like less of a monster and more... Easily dealt with. Its like a coping mechanism.', 'Is there anyone you can talk to? Do you want to talk about it with me? ', 'I do believe that you were so amazingly lucky to have met someone like her, and because of you I am willing to stick around in the hope of meeting someone just as great. Ive always wanted to beat my Depression by myself, but having someone like that is just so, wow. Im really happy for you, thank you for sharing your story. :)', 'What it means to be a human being varies from one person to another, and what I feel is that you and I end up disappointed at people when they tell us were "wonderful for being there when no one else was" because weve set our standards higher. We believe that people SHOULD help each other out and that it is not only the right choice, but the only way people are supposed to treat one another.People can suck, its just a more productive use of your time to focus on yourself. By being there for others and being empathetic, youre setting an example for others to follow.', 'Well your opinion matters to me and its worth something. Whats been going on? ', 'Youve been there for her for 15 years. She couldve been alone those 15 years without you, and without you what if her condition had gradually worsened? You cannot know for sure that you being there was in vain. Perhaps it improved what couldve been worse if you had not been there. The best thing to do in this situation is to continue being with her until the Tired end, even if the end may come sooner than you thought it would. Living in the moment and being for her is what matters the most right now, and if you think about it like that youll find more value in everything that happens.', 'I think just being there for him will help, and so will reminding him that you do love him and that youre here for him if he ever wants to talk. ', 'When I read this, I had to go back and check to make sure I didnt write it... : (I get you, I really do. This is the kind of rationale that helps me whenever Im down on myself-- Look at it this way: Youve been in your body all your life. You wake up and the first person you see in the mirror is... Yep, you guessed it, you. You look into that mirror and you know everything there is to know about you, including your flaws, your strengths, your innermost thoughts, etc. No one else knows this much about you, and no one can ever know this much.When you see other people, you only fixate on the qualities that they present to you in the short amount of time that you spend with them. If youre a kind person, you tend to notice the positive qualities of other people before anything else. You wont spend as much time with them as you do with yourself (ever spend 24/7 with someone and get annoyed?), so you wont be picking out their flaws. Its easy to kick yourself for shortcomings and imperfections because you literally live in your body 24/7. Its totally normal to get annoyed when you spend so much time with yourself, because youll overthink yourself into a pit.Its good to want to change your flaws, but remember that everyone has flaws that they want to change. You are not singular in your thoughts. Find someone patient who listens to you, you should never feel like youre annoying someone by being you. Humans are confusing, which is kind of frustrating when you remember that youre human... Just take it one emotion at a time and draw it out slowly until youre done sorting through everything (having someone who cares definitely helps, in my experience).', 'I understand what youre going through. Ive been there. Ive skipped classes to sleep when I wasnt Tired at all, and Id feel Tired afterwards and do nothing for hours at a time. It was a cycle that kept repeating itself until I was kind of done with it.I just woke up one day and got bored of being Tired. All my friends are getting ready to apply to medical school and Im still wondering if I should even be making plans for the future if Im going to kill myself. Indecision kind of gets boring after a while, too, like... I know that in the end you either jump off the diving board or you stay there worrying about it... And Id rather just jump, you know? Bad shit feels, well, bad. Just think of it as another obstacle in the way of the good shit that awaits you. Ive been living on the hope of something good happening, but I also know that if I want good shit to happen, it has to happen by my work and no one elses. If you stay and try and push yourself, the possibility of good shit happening increases exponentially, so I dont think you should quit the race just yet.', 'Im here if you want to talk. I hope youre okay. ', 'Knowing that someone is lying to me makes me the most sad. ', 'Im glad youre still here! Have fun at the concert!

Indicator

I suppose the thing that sets me off is I feel the only person who loves me is my best friend. And I love her, dont get me wrong, but I want someone who loves me not in a best friend way but in a romantic way and after what happened with my SO, I just dont feel I can make that happen.', 'Im doing pretty good actually. Havent had too many bad thoughts', 'Who knows? But I will look that up now that I know it might be a possibility. Thank you!', 'Were both the same age (Eight days apart). Also, I will now refer to his father as a grumpy weenie. Thank you for that lolI dont self-harm anymore. I used to years ago but it made my family upset so I stopped. Most the time I only cry when I feel like hurting myself. Its safer and releases the want of self-harm. It probably does just feel like that. Also Im talking to him right now about it but I think hes just upset cause half the time he thinks Im just doing this so hell leave his friends. Every single time I reassure him Im glad he has his friends and that he needs guy time and I know that. It always helps. I think hes Worried because his friends and I dont get along Tired well but I would never tell him to not hang out with his friends. ', 'And thats where the gagging would happen because I would have nothing left in my stomach to throw back up.', 'I dont know where it is but I have always dreams of going to a forest with tall trees and the sunlight Falls through nearly green because of all the leaves. I would go there but I dont know where it is because its only been in my dreams.', 'I know where youre coming from. I have this same kind of problem. I still havent figured this out. But Ill take you seriously. Im willing to listen', 'Yeah, I was trying to explain to my fiancee that the lack of love from a parent isnt an emotion that can be expressed in words. And it really isnt. Its too raw of a Pain.And I would if he werent Sharp Pain to temper. I am hesitant to bring anything up around him because of his temper, which is seemingly uncontrollable. He also doesnt listen to reason and will just keep saying things over and over again, talking louder than the other person to try and get his point across. Most the time it is like talking to a brick wall. My sister tried that with him once and he had the same reaction, so it isnt easy and sometimes I dont even feel it is worth it because of the backlash from him. ', 'Just because hes older does not make him a genius. And you shouldnt feel guilty. He doesnt know what he is talking about. Im sorry, honestly I am, but hes an idiot. Im sorry that you may not agree with me but damn it just cause hes older doesnt make him smarter and Im tried of older people saying this all the damn time. Cause I once had an Asthma attack and my parents told me I was over reacting and I was fine. It was bullshit. I wasnt fine and was diagnosed with Asthma and chronic Bronchitis the next day. My parents had no fucking idea. So dont feel guilty, please. ', 'Yeah, it really isnt true. And my little sister is my fathers favorite while my older sister is my moms. And I get that. Everyone has favorites and parents are humans too. I just wish some would learn how to hide it better because it doesnt make it any easier to deal with it when you have to witness it every day. Im glad you got good grades and did well in sports but Im sorry it didnt make the difference you wanted. Its tough but do know you did good, even if they dont think so.', 'Yeah, I wish I could afford a professional but I would see one if I could. Ill save up and if it persists I will see one', 'No...he doesnt feel that same way. I know he doesnt. But he doesnt feel that I should find him flawless either. ', 'Not at the community college, which is all I would be able to afford with the help. Not only that Im not completely sure what I want to be so I only want to take basics until I figure it out. And I havent directly asked them. Theyve directly told me they wouldnt. As soon as I graduated high school they told me that if I was going to college I would have to find a way there and back or move into one of the dorms.And my sister went to UTSA (Which is an 1 1/2 hours away) but ran out of money and is currently saving up. She lived with friends so she could split them rent money on the apartments (The college had no dorms)', 'Usually I talk to my boyfriend about these things. I dont have many friends and the ones I do have freak out over this kind of thing. Not in a bad way but they worry way too much and constantly ask if Im feeling okay and all that and it becomes way too much. But see...my boyfriends friends are in town for the winter from college and hes been spending every minute with them and I dont want to ruin the fun hes having since he will only see them for about a month.', 'Yeah, it does come in waves. Ive dealt with Depression since I was in fifth grade and this is just a new kind of way its hitting me.And I havent. It is Tired important and when I get paid tomorrow I will take some money out and buy myself one.', 'I cant remember the last thing that made me happy that didnt involve people. I honestly cant remember it. But the thing that boosted my confidence a little bit one day was music but now that isnt working. I just...I dont know. I rely on people heavily but I have so little of them that are close to me in my life.', 'Honestly, at this point in time, how she has been acting I dont know what she is to me. ', 'I would puke if I ever came upon that. Not that I have anything against homosexuality but mostly one is a 45 year old man with a beer belly and hair everywhere but the top of his head, and the other thinks hes cool but is skinny with a lot of baby fat, wears a leather jacket, holes in his jeans, and shaved his head to be shorter than the military would require it.Lol I probably did dodge a bullet. Watching how hes grown these four years, from what my boyfriend tells me, hes an unoriginal lazy "magician" (I put that in quotes because he sucks so bad at it. I have figured out almost all of his tricks.)', 'Yeah, I have confronted both of them about their favoritism and they both deny it but it is obvious to everyone. One day, though, my mom did admit to it, finally, and I actually felt better after it because she finally accepted that we all knew. And no, I havent been able to afford therapy/counselling for it. And as of late it has been a bit better than it normally is (its been about six months since my last episode, which is longer than usual for me) so I am really hoping there will be no relapse into it but since I have been dealing with Depression for as long as I can remember (seriously, in my journals from even fifth grade it has poems about it), I doubt it will ever fully be gone without help from medication. ', 'He said he was going to get me skyrim. (I told him not to after he told me what he was going to get me [which he told me on New Years btw] because my computer wouldnt be able to handle the game.)Im lady (Not opposed to homosexuality).Well see, I usually attribute my slight over-reaction to feeling sad all the time but its not the first time hes failed to get me a gift. Not even the second time either.I do always take long hot baths. But Im changing my sleeping schedule because Ive been sleeping in too late. I do know Im probably putting a lot of it out of proportion but hes been doing this for about a month now. He told me on New Years he would see me the day after. Didnt happen and he told me hed see me the next day. Didnt happen again. I didnt even ask him the next day and he pretty much barely talked to me the whole day. then today he says hes going outside for a while. I ask him where to and he says hes going to his friends house. It just really upsets me he flakes on me but has time for his friends (Who mind you hate me. Him and I dont know why but they hate me)', 'And Depression doesnt always mean suicide has to be involved.', 'You are not pathetic. Do not hate yourself.You are not weak.You can turn to us for help. Please, tell us whats going on to make you sad? Were here to help you and listen to you.', 'She seems to think im saying it in the sense it was all her fault and it want and isnt. It was a combination of a problem in my brain and a problem at home. But she seems to take it add am attack against her', 'I would love to see someone. I dont have the funds nor insurance to do so though.I dont know what it could be. I dont handle Stress well though. I think a large part of it is the fact my Ex is a coworker and this job is the first Ive had in months.', 'Just everything. my boyfriend didnt get me a christmas present (And long story short, he said he couldnt find the one he wanted to get me, finally told me what it was, I found it in five minutes), he said he would see me some time this Asthenia but chose to hang out with all his friends instead. Were supposed to go on a train ride saturday but its starting to look like we wont. I cant stop thinking about just killing myself. I dont want to kill myself but the thoughts just keep coming back. ', 'I dont usually look much into it. Its more of a habit for me now to not wear makeup and to promote not wearing it, rather than I do it purposely. I was just thinking about it the other night and had to get it off my chest. ', 'Yeah, it seem admittance can do a lot for closure and seems to make the situation better sometimes. But getting "out" of an episode or keeping them away has absolutely nothing to do with strength. Its a support system that I need to keep them away. If I dont have someone who I can talk to, then I *will* have a relapse, there is absolutely no question about it. I havent had one because of my fiancee. I can calm myself down just by talking to him about everything. He is my support system. If you are Worried about not having one, you can always message me and I will gladly be your support system because even if I am not feeling so awesome, I will listen to you and help you as best I can. ', 'Well I would go to college if my parents even offered to drive me there and back everyday. Otherwise I would have no way there. There are no buses that run in my town because of a dispute with the city and the rail and bus company. And I would walk but the community college is about 15 miles away. But I dont even have the money for college and my parents wont help me with Fafsa so that I can get money. They get frustrated with me when I cant get the information on my own but it requires their tax papers which I dont have and they wont keep track of right. Im just so Tired of not being good enough.', 'Yes, she did. Kept saying "oh! What thing didnt we get you?" Acting as if it were a material possession issue that caused it. She was Tired snide about it too', 'I agree completely. Really i do. But other people have pointed out the Emotional upset manipulation she uses on me. I Fear it will get worse when i move (The move quill be over five thousand miles away because he lives in another country)', 'Yeah, i Have my own income. And I plan on continuing with the bank (they are nice) but cutting off her access to my account considering shes started taking my money.', 'I appreciate your perspective on this and i ask trying to keep ask these things in account. I just honestly dont know how much more blame i can take. I understand they are upset and angry and dont mean what they are saying, i do. But im also being treated as if i have no reason to be upset either', 'I live in the suburbs that border the country. Like I walk out of my neighborhood and can see country land on one side and a small city(borderline town) on the other. I have no transport and my town has little to no poverty and barely any volunteer work (Ive tried for two years) that I could reach. ', 'My boyfriend says that to me a lot too. It helps to hear it from someone you love but, in my personal opinion, when strangers say it, it seems to help even more. Thank you for your comforting words', 'I am in the states but how would I find a mental health clinic?', 'So far thats the only advice i have been getting. Not to say it is bad advice because it isnt. Problem is i have an urge (that i want gone) to please my parents', 'But its not just him. Ive been Depression for seven+ years. I just feel like I cant do anything right. my life feels like such a mess.', 'Well it wasnt my first heartbreak, it was my second one but it was the more important one to me. And I had promised my best friend I wouldnt kill myself but...well we arent best friends anymore. Mostly though I dont know why Im still suicidal. Im actually pretty happy with how things have been going lately but everyday, randomly Ill think of killing myself and I dont understand. Its not even an attention thing. Ive only told my boyfriend (And SW) about this problem. I just dont want to think about my death everyday when I dont feel like I should. ', 'Same here! And my bedroom has huge windows so it seriously sucks.', 'Well I am happy to hear that. I know for the most part women put on makeup to fit in with other women. ', 'Yeah and Id love to get out i just Fear when i do she not only will turn her side of the family against me but my older sister as well. Only person on my side in my family at the moment is my older and younger sister. But really i would love to get her to just stop Crying about what i told her. I know the news is stressful but...i feel she either doesnt believe me our is being entirely selfish about the news', 'So far from it. Were middle class people who live in the suburbs', 'Not from what Ive been learning about them. From what I know (And dont quote me on this) but I am pretty sure in texas one is not needed for the other.', 'Currently him and I are working on our situation. We honestly are. And he keeps telling me not to pretend to be happy, because it wont help anyone. So Im not doing that too him anymore. And Im trying to be Tired rational and look away from my romantic feelings for him and see the faults others see in him. I know saying I see no flaws in someone isnt rational. But I cant see them in him though I know I should be able to. Maybe if I look deep enough I can find them.', 'Yeah. Weve been dating for four years and he knows a lot about them. He doesnt know quite how to deal with them. Hes never been real sure how to reassure me on it because of previous issues Ive had before I started dating him. So sometimes he just lets me talk until Ive gotten Tired of talking and he just hugs me, and sometimes he reassures me but he tries and does a pretty good job.', 'I wish I could afford therapy, because I would go if I could. And my family...they suck. Terribly. I can talk to them about nothing. My little sister couldnt care less (shes a teen right now and anything that doesnt involve her or her interests, she doesnt care about), my father is too religious and everything leads to religion and Im not his same religion nor does he seem to understand that when I have a problem god cannot solve it for me, my older sister freaks out about everything and takes it way too far, and my mother just thinks the world is against her and if I complain she just gets angry and it doesnt help.', 'But I want him to be. I love everything about him. Literally everything. I cant find wrong in him. And it hurts...god it hurts.But not only that. I just...I have zero confidence. I never have. My parents rooted it out of me. So any time I think I have redeeming qualities to get someone to love me, their voice comes to my mind and I cant find my confidence that I want so badly.', 'Lol look for one with a slanted bathtub so you can get a bath pillow and really relax (My bath tub is not slanted and makes me sad)Its okay. I understand the assumption. If I didnt know him as well as I do, I would assume he was a cheater as well. But many people will tell you that he wouldnt ever do something like that. well see...I do let him know and as of late he just gets a bit of upset with me and tells me to Chill out. I will admit, Im a smidge clingy but I have no problem with him seeing his friends. Its just the breaking of our plans that really gets to me. He does it so often that it just kills me. Most of the time our plans are broken because his family wants to go do something and he doesnt know how to say no to his father (His mom will tell him its alright but his father Im pretty sure would rather he be dating an idiot supermodel....his dad is kind of a huge dick who lives vicariously through my boyfriend.)But I do plan on talking to him about our whole relationship. Its something we need to discuss because a lot of people are right. I shouldnt feel like this while in a relationship. At least not this much toward my SO.', 'I thought I was. And Ive tried. But I just cant. Its not so easy for me. You say it as if it is but its not. Letting go seems to Pain me more than staying does.', 'Well it isnt as easy as that. I wish I could let it go. I wish I could stop trying to please him and make him proud but something inside of me desperately wants it and has my whole life and I dont really think about it when I try to make him proud or happy. It is an automatic reaction that I have been trying so desperately hard to get rid of. ', 'Aw, Im sorry. That sucks. Ive been there though and it is a stupid idea in the long run.', 'Lol I wish. No the father and friend hate each other. i think they hate the world. Okay, as for the dating him thing, it would have worked if he wasnt so...damn I cant think of the word....against PDA. I mean, hes not now, but he wasnt even going to get any form me if he wasnt willing to hug me in public. I do not roll that way. No shame in PDA. Especially when its just hugging or holding hands.', 'Unfortunately I dont have money for the insurance to have a doctor. Im lower middle-class and all spare money is set aside for the next month so bills are paid on time. I wish I could see a doctor and talk about it but I wouldnt have the money to pay for the meds or the doctor visits.I have been trying to save money to talk to someone. I cant promise I will be able to talk to a professional, I can take comfort in the fact that I have an old friend who has always been a shoulder I can cry on, no matter how far apart we come to be. ', 'Well currently I cant do that. Im living with my parents and have no income. They smoke, which brings me even farther from nature. I try to go on walks and immerse myself in nature but I find it difficult due to my severe allergies. ', 'I love nature. But the nature here I am allergic to to (Im allergic to Cedar Trees and thats all that grows where I live) and I tried having a plant but I was upset and it died.', 'No, I couldnt stand to go into one of those. I really just honestly couldnt. I dont even know what I want to be when I get older. I have absolutely no goals.', 'Thats actually a pretty good idea. I think I may keep away from it for a little while', 'Its not that I didnt want the game. I most certainly did. I just dont have the computer power to actually run something of that load. My computer sucks. Lol I wish I had a radio that worked so I could listen to music while soaking in a bath. but Ive got bubble bath, salts, nice smells and candles, so Im pretty damn relaxed.I know. People keep saying that. We hit a bump a couple of months ago and both him and I are having slight difficulties. Weve been together for four years and both want to stay together (From what weve told each other but I think we should have a talk about it again.)Yes, Im 100% about his friends. I know a lot of people would think Im falling for something but hes never been that kind of person with anyone. Hes never been a cheater and has broken up with me once while he sorted his feelings for a while. He said hed rather break up with me than cheat on me. Not just that but he knows of my past relationships and is a caring enough guy to never let that happen. hes Tired open to me about his feelings. hes let me know before when he felt he had a crush on someone. Ive let him know when I felt the same. We never act on it but we both realize that in a relationship. other people will still be attractive to you and it doesnt mean you love the other person any less but that you find someone else attractive along with finding your SO attractive.', 'I dont know how to drive. My dad forced me to drive his large explorer at night when I was 12. I could barely see over the steering wheel and since then I have been deathly afraid of driving a car. Ive only driven once since then and it was for a short period of time with my boyfriend in an empty parking lot. I had a panic attack.', 'Thank you. And i certainly will try. I appreciate the wisdom', 'Yeah, its only his two best friends. I actually used to be best friends with one of them. Then, when I didnt date him but dated my boyfriend instead, he suddenly hated me. After four years youd think he would get over it, but no. His other best friend is a dick like his dad.', 'No, I havent. Ive been thinking of trying to move past the panis. my boyfriend amazingly enough got me to drive the car for a good ten minutes before I freaked out. But I was tinking about getting a motorcycle. Strangely enough the thought of driving one of those doesnt scare me. I dont know why it doesnt and I know they are more dangerous but it just doesnt scare me. ', 'Yeah, this was much like how it was when i that age too', 'Yep, she didnt want to hear it. Just cried and ran to her room', 'Sadly no, Ive tried to ignore them. I tried last month (All last month) and they just got worse.', 'This is true. I hadnt gotten it yet mostly cause my mom watches my account like a hawk and I havent gone to the bank to take her off of it. Shes also taking money from me, so I need to stop it soon.', 'I will try both of these things. Thank you :-) ', 'You would think but every time i bring it up, world war the starts in my house. They are against it when i bring it up but behind closed dots it seems they are for it', 'Well, there are many reasons but I cant apply them to your life because they may not be anything you can see a reason to live for. I could tell you to live for the joy of music but if you get no joy from music, then that would be meaningless. What are some things you find even an ounce of joy in? If it is say painting, then continue to live to paint. Show your emotions and difficulties through the art you depict.Has he expressed or told to you that you are burden? A lot of the worst parts of Depression are when you feel that you are only weighing others down when the reality is, they want to help you up and will keep on going to help you. If he has said nothing and shown nothing, then he probably feels only concern and the want to help you.And its okay, rambling can help sort out thoughts and emotions. Ramble if you need, I certainly dont mind. I want to help in any way I can. ', 'Yeah, its bad in my eyes as well. I wouldnt even mind if he was like "Hey, since I dont get to see my friends Tired often and theyre in town wanting to hang out, can I do that instead today?" And I would say of course. I would completely understand. Its the "not doing that" that gets to me.Yeah, I know. I have been trying and he just mumbles "I say no to my dad." In the four years him and I have been together Ive seen him say no to his dad three times. One of the times was as recent as Christmas.', 'Good god I am so sorry. That just...honestly I seriously hope that didnt break your trust in all people. I really hope it didnt. Cause there are good people on here who want to help. Those three are just fucking dickwads and I dont give a shit what their problem, was, is, or will be cause if they ever need help from me they can forget it.Please, if youre considering anything drastic, please I beg of you talk to me. I dont have agoraphobia but I do have many phobias. (The main ones being afraid of being alone in a room, afraid of the dark, afraid of blood, and claustrophobia) Ive had my share of panic attacks and they are not fun at all. So Im willing to listen to you. I can even offer advice if youd like but if you just want and ear to hear your problems, Im willing to be that ear. Just please....dont Pain yourself or anything like that because of them and what they said.', 'I do try these thing and it takes my mind off for a while but what triggers it is mostly my own thoughts. I start thinking about my boyfriend and with how fast and strange my mind moves, it goes to the fight we had six months ago in no time. I try to stop it and think of other things, good things about him but then it goes to fights Ive had with other people and things I might have done wrong.', 'I agree with you. They are only more experienced versions of themselves. Ill put an extreme situation out there but Im pretty sure a 25 year old who is diagnosed with HIV has a different situation than his father who doesnt have HIV. And if his father tried to say everyone went through it, his father would deserve a fist to the face. So, while thats an extreme situation, it automatically shows the difference. ', 'Do you think you can promise yourself something for your friends and family? Do you think you can promise yourself that if an accident is to come at any moment, you will do everything in your power to stop yourself from dying?', 'Im sorry your mother didnt offer the comfort and care she should have. It is always Tired upsetting when the people you should be able to rely on decide to not be there for you. Sometimes its difficult to find a reason for living. There never is a set in stone reason for life. Unfortunately it is something you have to decide. But there are many things that you can do in life and it doesnt mean you have to live life searching for something to live for. But I understand why you feel this way. Why do you think you bring your friends Pain from meeting them?', 'Okay, this is the only reply I will give you. You do not know my whole situation, you do not know me, and you are Tired Tired immorally wrong to go onto a subreddit full of people seeking help and be an ass like this. You really ought to hope that when you seek help in a situation like this, someone will help you instead of replying the way you did. ', 'I know he is. Ive known that ever since I got with him. But how can I find someone who would find me perfect when I cant let go of the one person who I have found perfect but doesnt feel the same?

Behavior

Not exactly recently. It is rather the conclusion of a life full of depression, loneliness & being hurt. ', 'Idk Im Depression and i failed miserably and I just cant stay here longer. I am going to die sooner or later but I used to be religious when I was a kid and now since Im a teenager I kinda just lost my faith but now that Im close to death Im scared of rotting in hell. Rotting because suicide is seen as the worst sin in every religion out there.', 'Thank you for listening! Goodbye and stay awesome! :)', 'I failed school. I have my final exams this Asthenia and I know I am going to fail.My life at home is pretty terrible too but my father always threatened me that if I fail school that he is going to force me to work for my brother. There is obviously way more then that but that is the gist of it and I just cant take it anymore.Nobody would miss me anyways so my death wouldnt be noticed.

Ideation

Im going through somewhat similar shit. Im not so good at socializing and Ive been friendless for a long time. Youre not alone! See if you can find a kindred spirit, someone who understands what youre going through. Preferably someone at the same uni. If youre anything like me you might have an easier time talking to people online so maybe you could use Facebook or something to get closer to your peers.', 'Youre not even in the negative!', 'Its like looking in a mirror. Im JUST like you. My suggestion is that you find a way to get a classmates Facebook or aim or something. If youre anything like me, youd be a lot more comfortable talking in that kind of environment. Texting is good too. Make sure to tell them that you have trouble talking. If they are worth being friends with, they will help you! Then youd have someone to help with your social anxiety. Just try really hard to talk to someone long enough to exchange emails/numbers/whatever. Also, if youre like me again, you probably dont "Look" particularly shy. In fact you might look kind of anti-social/intimidating. So Id suggest that you smile like crazy. Always consciously try to smile! And dont be afraid to look like you dont know what you are doing. If you need someone to practice talking with Im here!', 'Yeah happened to me too. You cant change who you are. At least its damn Exhaustion to. I moved around a lot as a kid and every time id end up as the lister and then the loner. Once the friend-making period is over and everything sets in to equilibrium its REALLY hard, especially when everyone else around you is chatting away with their new friends looking happy. But I dont think theres anything wrong with being who you are in the first place. Youre just...rare! There arent as many people with this kind of personality. Youll find a match. Facebook helped me a lot because Im kind of inhibited in real life, like I cant think of things to say in time. If youve talked to a classmate for a bit, they wouldnt find it odd at all if you asked for their Facebook. Then you can chat away and eventually you could tell them what youve told us; You can do that online too its fine! This is all from my own experience and I admit Im making a lot of assumptions that my problems are the same as yours. I mean it sounds like youve got some social life. But whatever may help!', 'Hey man, Im 20, and apparently a lot of people around this age are pretty unsure/unhappy/insecure. I guess its this whole transition of responsibilities, expectations, and crap. Anyway, no real advice (Im going through a lot of the same stuff). I just think itll get better.', 'Sounds like youre a pretty sporty guy. Youre like ahead of a bunch of people there. Youre good looking and shy. Chicks dig that that shit. And dont worry about the future and college and what youll do with your life too much. Just live each day as it comes step by step. Youre at one of those transitional stages and its stressful for everyone. A lot of people are sad at this age and I swear to you that once u get past this transitional stage and when everything and everyone stops reminding you to think about your future and stuff itll be great. ', 'Maybe you could just tell your friend what you have told us. Please try to see her. You probably share a lot of the same problems (Im guessing kindred spirits), so just letting her know that you know what its like could help maybe. Its all I can really do too, but I can really relate to your situation and I feel your pain.', 'I can relate a lot. I feel your pain. My advice? Well, Im sure youre a gamer. If not, get a game like tf2 and use your microphone. Youll get to practice being comfortable talking to people. At first you can just say task-oriented things like "Soldier on the battlements!" etc etc. But after a while you can socialize and get some buddies in the game. I swear you almost cant avoid it if you frequent a few particular servers.', 'I know exactly what youre going through and I dont really have any advice. Actually if you come across any I could use it too. I pretty much rely on online friends at the moment. Its sad and pathetic but at least they are real friends in the sense that we care about each others lives. I know you cant choose where your online friends live and it might be a bit exploitive, but maybe you could try giving priority to those close by so you guys could hang out. Not that I am one to advise; Nearly all the people Ive bonded with online just happened to live in Europe. Maybe youve got better luck. Thats why I thought this get-peers-Facebook strategyd help. Anyway, the point is, youre not alone. Youll find someone wholl really understand all this and who you could hang out with. Itll be great.', 'I can relate to a lot of what youve said, and Ive sort of self diagnosed myself with avoidant personality disorder. Maybe you have that too. I guess my only suggestion is maybe try using the internet to make real life friends. Its a lot easier for me to talk to people in that environment, and it makes it a lot easier talking irl if its with someone who is already your friend. I dont know if you have the same problem. People *will* want to be with you. Youve got this whole shy/quiet thing going on. People like that! Just remember that youre not alone, and I really feel your pain. Wish I could do more to help, but Im looking for answers myself.', 'I can relate a lot. I push people away before they have a chance to reject me, and I know that they will because Im bad at talking, I live with my parents still, dont have a job, etc etc. This defense mechanism prevents me from making friends and girlfriends, which just makes me more ashamed, which in-turn, prevents me from going out. I got stuck in this vicious cycle which is damn hard to get out of. Maybe youre in it too.There is this stigma in USA that living with your parents is bad. I hate it, and I think it makes a lot of people Tired unhappy. I grew up in Europe and its no big deal. Its in-fact Tired common for families just to build another house right on top of their parents houses over there. My advice, other than what everyone has already said, is to talk to your parents. Be able to chat and have a normal time in the house at least. I also live with people I stopped talking to and I think that this sort of forces me to be morbid all the time, like I have to wear a mask. Im finding this Tired hard to break though because its just been the way it has been for so long. I think subconsciously Im thinking I have to be sad and depressed. I shouldnt be happy about my situation. I dont know if this is the same case for you. ', 'Hey man. Im VERY similar. 20. No Friends. Live with parents. Never go outside. Dont have a Job. Dropped out of School (Got GED.) Moved and never made new Friends.If you want an online buddy, send me a message. We could play some coop games online or something (play tf2?). Its social, right! I also posted on here a year ago. [Take a look](http://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/9arjj/why_cant_i_talk_to_people) and youll see the similarities for yourself. (Shh I also used a throwaway.) Ive been to like four different psychologists and have gotten all this different meds and I didnt improve. Wikipedia showed me this thing called [Avoidant Personality Disorder](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Avoidant_personality_disorder). I think thats you and me, man. Theres also this thing called [Hikikomori](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hikikomori) which you may or may not also relate to. No real advice other than using the internet. Ive made some friends online. It took me a year before I could tell them the truth about me; Another before I could talk to them on skype. Then, I even met one face-to-face for a week. It was awkward as hell, but it felt so good to be able to go someplace and not feel completely ashamed, insecure, and hurt. I remember thinking, so THIS is what is it like, to be normal, to have friends and to be able to go out and simply HAVE FUN. Im not trying to depress you further. Im just saying that its out there! Its not some wild unattainable fantasy! Its within your grasp! Take it, its Yours! Man, Im getting inspired myself!', 'I have exact same problem. The worst part is that people like us cant even hang out with others like us without it being painfully awkward. Ive just been trying to get ahead in everything else. So I suck at talking. Ill just get really fit. Study. Get good at something. Get the rest of my life together because these are things I can control. So I have a flaw I cant seem to fix easily. I can make up for it. Skype helps me a lot, and using my mic in games. That quells my loneliness. ', 'Im turning 21 soon and also am bad at socializing, live with my mom, but can handle the academics no problem. But youre 1-up from me because you have a job where you socialize, youve lived with a roommate, done weed, etc, and it sounds like youve got some friends. So, given my lower rank, my advice may not be good, but maybe you could use facebook to chat people you know up. I know that Im way more suave when Im typing. Or you could post an ad on craiglist or something. People do that all the time. I think its easier to get close to a girl because with guys I always feel kind of intimidated and I cant/dont open up to them, I mean, I dont wanna seem like a Asthenia loser to them, and youve gotta be able to tell people about your problems for them be to be a real friend. Damn gender roles screwed me up or something. Have you heard about avoidant personality disorder? That could be you. I know its me. If so, I dont think medication can help, you just gotta face it like how those people with arachnophobia get throw in a tub of spiders. We just gotta throw ourselves at awkward social situations. So yeah, I say use the internets. The internet doesnt have to be about isolation and staying indoors. It can be a tool and a bridge to real-life things.

Ideation

I can be Tired socially inept. I feel like theres something fundamentally broken about me and that, even if I do improve, Ill never really be able to interact like a fully normal, healthy human being.', 'This is painfully similar to my own story. I posted here a while ago, if you want to read it. Do you want to talk?Also, where (as in what country) do you go to school? I know that, in the US at least, almost every single college and university has a counseling center that you can go to for free or a low cost. Is that an option for you?', 'Sleep will probably help. I know that when everything is getting to me, sleep helps me clear my mind. I feel more calm the next day.Heres something that might help you feel like theres a reason for you to still be here. Try to do one productive thing, or even just one thing to make you happy, every day. It can be something big like applying to a job or to a new school for next year, or something small like cleaning/organizing your things or just taking a walk.Cliche, I know, but I always feel a million times better when I know Ive gotten something done.Feel free to send me a PM any time you want. I cant promise that Ill reply immediately or anything, but Im on Reddit for at least a few minutes almost every day, so I will answer.Please, try to remember that youre not alone. :)', 'Im here to talk if you want. <3Ive been through a lot of the same things that you have - parents telling me Im being selfish and making problems for everyone when Im upset by their hurtful comments, a mother who goes back and forth between missing me and blowing up at me for the smallest things, etc. I hate to hear that someone else is living with that.If you have a friend whos offering you a place to stay, take it. Im sure your friends, if theyre real friends, care about you and dont want to see you without a home. You can help out around the house, to thank them for giving you a place to stay and so you dont feel so bad about it.Send me a message any time you want to chat.', 'You know, with all thats wrong with the world, sometimes theres nothing wrong with being a little naive.Im really happy that I could make you smile. :) I was having a pretty terrible day. I feel better now.', 'Im sorry that happened to you. :( It really sucks that theyd do that. I really dont think thats a good reason to stop being friends with someone you supposedly care about.Wanna be friends?', 'I think we might have the same mind or something. This is all strangely familiar.Do you have something that always helps lift you out of a Depression mood? Do that (as long as its healthy.) :)', 'I do this too. I imagine it. Often. But I have zero intention of ever going through with it. Its just calming to imagine it. As much as I hate myself, I dont want to die.', 'My inbox is always open!', 'Do you know if your school has a counseling center? Ive been having similar problems this semester, and the counseling center is helping me a lot. Im talking to someone there who is great with both helping me with my problems in their own right and in explaining my situation to and helping me work things out with my professors.', 'Im not going to be online for a few hours at least, but if you feel like you can wait, feel free to send me a message or just write something out here. Im not in such a great place myself, but Id really like to help other people who are struggling.', 'I may be depressed, but Im still capable of speaking up for myself. If this is the kind of attitude you have towards your fellow human beings, save yourself the time and everyone else the trouble of dealing with you and please dont visit r/suicidewatch.', 'Nobody who is a decent psychologist and human being will ever tell you that youre "not bad enough" to get help. You definitely deserve it.Did you know that there are lots of different kinds of therapy? Certain kinds are thought to help more with specific kinds of problems. It may also be the case that the counselors you saw just werent a good fit for you. That happens; please dont give up on seeking help because of it.You are not being a bitch, I promise you. First of all, your problems are definitely worth help. Theres no reason to be ashamed of seeking help, and anyone who will tell you otherwise really needs to reexamine how much sympathy they have for their fellow human beings. Second of all, Pain is relative. Just because other people have had "worse" things happen to them does not mean your feelings are invalid.I know what it feels like to doubt that your problems are significant, or to talk yourself out of doing anything about them. I also know that looking for help or doing something to help myself almost always makes me feel a lot better.You mentioned selling your gun. That might be a good idea. It sounds to me like having that gun readily accessible is dangerous for you. Not having it around might keep you from making an impulsive decision to Pain yourself. Not to mention the fact that if youre Worried about being able to pay for a psychologist, having the extra money cant Pain.Youre in "badass" mode? Remind yourself that feeling Suicidal is kind of like living with a monster, and being able to defeat it and live your life again is pretty badass. Fuck anyone who tells you that its Asthenia to get help or that your problems arent worth it. Youre a badass. Thats why you can make it through.', 'Im doing somewhat better. I got caught up in thinking about all my problems that day, and really just needed to get everything out. That made me feel better. Its good that youre doing the same. :)Im working to get myself back on track academically. You said you dropped out, but are you interested in going back to school? Please dont think that thats not an option because it didnt work out for you the first time. If its something that youre interested in doing, it just might give you the feeling that you have a future and something to stick around for.Im not saying you should definitely go back to school, but it is one good option. You can get help so that youre in the right mindset to do the work, work out your financial situation, and go study something that you love. It sounds to me like that might give you the sense of purpose that you dont have right now.If you think going back to school isnt for you - what else can you see yourself doing? Lets just assume, for a moment, that you decide to stay. What kind of job would you like to be doing?', 'Thanks for all of the support, everyone! I talked to the psychologist, talked to my boyfriend, and got some sleep. I feel a lot better. Im not saying that all of these problems are gone, far from it. But I was in that crazy kind of state where I was completely unable to handle anything and just needed to get all of my thoughts out. I did, and now I feel a lot better. It makes me really happy to know that this supportive community exists here.', 'Hey there. I have a similar story to yours. I posted it here last week. You can read it if you like. Im not going to pretend to understand exactly what your life is like, but I identify with a lot of what youre going through. Especially the social awkwardness and the academic issues.You might not believe this, because Im just a random person on the internet, but I do really care about you. I dont know if that means anything to you, but I hope it does. I know how much it can Pain to want to connect with people but not to be able to. Do you want to talk? Youre welcome to send me a private message if you dont feel like posting publicly.', 'So many people think that admitting that youre suffering is showing weakness. Its not. Its showing *strength.* Were fighting a terrible monster, and defeating that monster is one of the strongest things we can do.', 'Its kind of... cathartic, in a way. It lets me take out my Feeling unhappy with and Feeling angry at myself or others in a way thats not (physically) dangerous. I get some of the feeling of release without the consequence of, you know, actually dying. I guess its kind of similar to self-injury, in a way, but Im not physically harming myself.I hope youre okay.', 'Wouldnt you rather have a Depression, possibly Suicidal person, or more than one of them, feel better, even if you think the thing that made them feel better is cringeworthy bullshit? :(', 'I started tearing up with happy tears because you decided to save yourself. :,) I sincerely hope that life gets better for you from now on.', 'Im here to chat if you want to.', 'Im aware that that was an overly long, gigantic ball of crazy. Im sorry. I hope I didnt annoy anyone with it. Im leaving it up, though.Edit: It might help you to know that Im not quite as insane as that post makes me sound. Ive just been up all night in a futile attempt to study. My sleeping habits are ridiculous too, by the way.', 'Oh, wow, this sounds so painfully like me. Some of the specific situations are different, but the emotions are almost the same. Im going to reach out in a way I never do in real life and rarely online - wanna be friends? People like us need to support each other and help each other to be less lonely.', 'I feel a lot of conflicting things about myself. Most of the time, I hate myself. A lot. Very intensely. But I know Im good at at least a few things, I know I could do better. Its just that Ive wasted my potential, and also that Depression and whatever else is wrong with me has stolen it from me. Sometimes I feel like Im going to make it through all of this, and be able to really be myself again, but I always end up failing myself. Im hoping this time around will be when things finally change.I definitely wouldnt say that I love myself. I dont feel worthy of that. But I want my life to mean something.', '> But, whats another option?Blame the bullies, not the victims. Dont teach people that they should have to put up with the horrible people in their lives, but try to teach people not to be horrible people. Support people rather than criticizing them for being hurt. *Especially* in a community like this.', 'Are you still here? What would convince you to get through today - just this one day? Are you open to seeking help?I sincerely hope that youre still with us. :)', 'Thanks for your post. I had no idea this was an option for people with Depression. I think I might contact my schools disabilities resource center at the beginning of next semester.', 'What country do you live in? I ask because it seems like you could use some help with a few different things, and where you can look depends on where you live.Do you know of anywhere you can look for work?I know that a year can seem like a long time away, but next year is coming. Keep that in mind. That is something to look forward to, something to live for. Think about how good it will feel if you are able to make it to next year and get a fresh start in school.I promise you that it can be repaired. Would you be willing to call a hotline? Im still here to listen, but someone at a hotline might be able to direct you to professional help in your area, if thats what you want.', 'I feel like this too. A lot. Ive been dealing with social awkwardness and ineptitude and loneliness for years. Ive improved a bit, but Im so far from where I want to be. Now Im in this weird in-between stage, and that almost makes it worse, because I get glimpses into what life could be like, what it might be like someday. Except I dont have it yet, and I wonder if I ever will.If it makes you feel any better, I feel like Im getting just a little bit closer to being okay all the time. I still feel lonely and awkward and weird, a lot, but sometimes I look at how far Ive come in the past year, or five years, or since I was little, and feel amazed.', 'That second-to-last paragraph... how did you get inside my head? I know that feeling way too well, and I hate it. If you ever want to talk, send me a message.', 'You said that it helped you to have someone acknowledge that they read your post. I know what that feels like. Im letting you know that I saw it, too. :)', 'I know what it feels like to wish you had someone to talk to. I hate that lonely feeling. You can talk to me if youd like.', 'Dont ever think that you deserve to die just because you havent figured out what you want to do with your life yet. Every human life has value. Might sound cliche, but I do honestly believe that.Do you think that going back to school would be something youd be interested in? Most schools dont require you to pick a major right away. When you were younger, what subjects in school interested you?Im not trying to push you towards going back to school if thats really not what you want. I value education a lot, but university is not going to work for everyone. I do think that itd give you something to live for, though, and that you shouldnt give up if you are still interested.Feel free to tell me to shut up about school if youd rather try something else.', 'I used to have that enjoyment. I noticed that I rarely, if ever, feel it anymore. It can definitely be a result of Depression - its a well-known symptom, called [anhedonia](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Anhedonia).', 'Our situations are a little different, but Im also at a point that feels like rock bottom for me. This is going to sound incredibly cliche, but whats helping me get myself out of it is to try to do at least one thing to help myself and make my situation better every day.Sometimes I can have a normal, productive, happy day, and thats great! But right now, I cant always do that. I still try to get one thing done. Even if its small, as long as Im helping myself in some way, it counts. Maybe I just show up to a class that I havent been to in a while. Maybe I clean my room. Maybe I just send an email that Ive been needing to send. Anything, as long as Im doing something. And then, if I need to be, I can be off the hook for the rest of the day.Also, you said you fell in love with someone? Are you currently in a relationship, or just interested in the person? If youre in a relationship, and youre both happy and feel the relationship is healthy, dont automatically assume that you need to give it up. If youre not in a relationship, you might want to take some time to get yourself together, but dont give up hope.I started writing about my relationship, but I decided not to talk about that yet in case youre not in a similar situation and itd make you feel worse. Id be happy to talk about it and how its a good thing for me if youd like, though.

Ideation

Genital mutilation is fucked up. Some people might try and make you feel like shit about this, but I agree with you. Circumcision is generally fucking horrific and Im appalled we still do it. Theyre your fucking genitals and you have to live with them. Nobody has a right to force unnecessary surgeries on you before you can even have an opinion. Me personally, when I learned later in life about what issues people have as a result of circumcision, I was really fucking upset and Depression about it. The problems are wide spread and most people arent aware of what they have missed because they know nothing different. Like, I personally hate my penis, but it still bugs me that this was done to me without my consent as well. The loss of sensation is scary. Anyways, I love you OP.Happy April 1st. <3', 'Well, since youre seeing a psych, youre on the right track. Id pursue medication to help you get through the day. Im not on meds yet, but I seriously think I need em. Ive been dreaming of suicide lately, tbh. ', 'Oh come on. What the hell is so special about your life that you think you cant work through your problems?', 'No, its generally not accurate. But it depends heavily on how well someone does it. If youre morbidly curious, consult some of the old reference materials from the 1800s that talk about this subject. The cruelest hangmen would make their victims live and suffer for as long as they could, others were more humane about it.', 'If you want to make your life worth living, you gotta work out the small steps first. What makes you unable to hold a job? What can you actually do to hold onto it? You need to hold a job and save up what you can while youre living with your parents. Use that money to fund a car. Save up some more. Start looking for jobs elsewhere that will earn you more money. Get comfortable. Then start looking at school again. Contact the school, get a loan (ultra simple these days), and start your education. Keep treading water till you finish out your degree. Keep an ear to the ground for employment opportunities in your field, and start applying before you finish college. On another sphere of your life; your relationships with other folks: You cant truly love someone until you love yourself. Take steps towards improving yourself, and earn love for yourself. Learn how to take care of yourself. Learn to eat right. Learn to exercise. And as you start improving yourself, other things in your social relationships will fall into place. If you truly believe youre transgender, then perhaps in all of this, pursue HRT. But it is advisable to only begin if youre mentally stable, because it can be a shock. You had plans. They didnt work out. Plans change. Adapt and overcome. You need to sculpt yourself a new future. One the government didnt plan for you with voluntary conscription of the poor. Your problems are VERY fixable. You just need to step up and seize the day, and make new plans. ', 'Ill leave you with this. When you die, it is a certainty nothing will get better. If you live? The possibility that things will get better is infinitely greater. You just need to put on a brave face and set out to conquer your demons. Your problems are quite human and fixable, and you need to stop letting your emotions govern you. You need to step up and take control of your life rather than ending it because youre afraid of living, and its implications. If you need guidance or advice, you can comment here or PM me later. Add me on Steam even, if youre so inclined. Im a 21 year old translady whos just started her journey down the path to womanhood. Been on hormones for nearly 3 months now. Be bold, and live deliberately. ', 'Hey there friend. I know what its like living in the conservative areas of the US. I ended up waiting until I moved somewhere safer before I even thought about coming out, they tended to make the queers disappear. It sounds like a lot of the grief youre getting is a product of your environment. All the people around you whom you feel are relevant all add a lot of social Pressure on you to not be your full self. I was raised a southern baptist, and I ended up with a lot of acquired homophobia before I even was of the age to know what it even was. I knew I liked dudes around the same time I figured out I liked chicks. But I never could fully admit it to myself that it was true, and I pushed it to the back of my mind and conformed because I was already getting harassed everyday for being different.Now I live in New York state, where being queer doesnt get you arrested most the time. People around here dont really give a fuck one way or the other about who youre into. And it is so not a thing around here, like. Tons of people whom you would never suspect of being gay because they dont conform to the stereotypes; they are so much more than that one tiny characteristic of their lives. Im going off on a tangent, but hey, I know how you feel. Whats your prospects for a change in scenery? I think itd help you out a lot, its literally changed my life. ', 'Holy shit, you forgot to mention theyre LDS. Thats fucking traumatic. Ive had some exposure to them through my GFs mother trying to convert me and her persistently. That whole organization is hard enough on the normal Joe, and absolutely insidious to the LGBT community.Check out /r/exmormon, theyre pretty great. ', 'I cant see how bad it is, but from what youve described it sounds like it needs real medical attention. I dont know what the wound looks like now but stitches might still be in order to hold the wound together. Fuck your parents.Walk down to the hospital and walk up to the check in desk and say you need medical attention. Theyll direct you to the ER and get you checked out, or show you where you need to go. I can walk you through it if youre scared hun. ', 'So like, what. You dont want to even try hormones? Its really not expensive, especially with insurance. And living with your parents in this day and age isnt that big of a deal, life is fucking rough out there today. Especially for folks like us who deal with our own internal malfunctions on top of outside adversity. So why is it youre set on suicide, exactly? You mentioned *"defective woman"* but I feel youve got a lot more going on youre not mentioning, this is just the latest thing thats hit you. ', 'When you have time, find yourself over to Human Resources. Walk in, be polite, and state that youre looking to file a formal complaint. Theyll help you out more than a nurse trying to cover her own ass.', 'Youre so, so welcome <3', 'You just keep saying that, but you never say why. What makes your problems so special you dont think you can solve them? I bet if you write it out for me right now, I can tell you exactly how to solve it. Youre just being shortsighted because you dont want to work through your problems. ', 'You didnt even fucking read what I wrote for you, and you dont want help. Im fucking done.Go see your therapist.', 'I feel that. Yours sound like mine. <3', 'Anxiety has robbed me of half of my life, along with domestic abuse. Youre not alone. Recently Ive found something thats really fucking helped me out with it. I started looking into nootropics, and just started taking them last night. My Anxiety has been fucking nuked. Ive been on Zoloft already and that hasnt done much for my anxiousness, but Im doing fucking great today. /r/nootropics has all the info you need on the stuff if you want to give it a shot. Im on piracetam, choline, and L-Theanine. The L-Theanines helped take the edge off, but there are way better things to try for Anxiety that they got. Its worth a try, and its game changing for me already.<3', 'Absolutely. If you want help scouting out prospective places to live, Id be more than happy to help. I dont have that great of a support network, but Ive known a lot of people that have been all over the country, and Im well traveled myself. Ive not sown my own seeds yet, but Im saving up money in order to get out of one place to flee to a more accepting place for transgender folk. So Ive got some of my own dream places I could share with you if you want ideas. :)', 'Being away from the ones you love is rough. Do you got outside contact with her, like through Facebook, texts, or whatever? ', 'I make music. Ive played guitar for about 10 years, but Ive been off of it for a while, making my music with a keyboard and a computer. But I recently picked it back up again, and I just played like I used to play all those years ago. I wanted to kill myself that day, and I almost relapsed. But I put all my hate, my fears, my sorrow, my angst, into my guitar. Theres just something magical about playing a stringed instrument with your Weakness of hand. Its so expressive, and you can say whatever you need to say with it. Something Ive lost playing on keyed instruments; perhaps Im just not good enough with it yet. The goal is to occupy your mind and your body. Your Weakness of hand and your brain. Music has been one of those things that have forced me to remain present, and engaged with this reality. ', 'I dunno. If youre asking this question, you should probably just walk down to the hospital, go into the ER, and get help. Its illegal for them to turn you away in the US. Ambulance rides are so fucking expensive it can fuck up your life. Unless youre an immediate danger to yourself I personally would not do that, I would walk down and check myself in if I thought I could make it there without killing myself.I work at a hospital, so if you have any questions Im here. I dont know anything about costs though, Im not clinical. Just do work in Environmental Services. ', 'I encourage skeptisism, Im a skeptic as well. You can review the scientific studies and medical research papers on the substances yourself if you want. Thats what really sold me on the piracetam. Theanine is just really pleasant, Ive been in a great mood all day, which is not usual for me. :)Idk who Joe Rogan is to be honest, but the science speaks for itself. :D', 'I dont know how severe or how large an area they cover, but if it helps you can use a concealer on them to hide them and get used to the feeling of of showing off that area in public without any Anxiety of, "What if someone sees?"', 'Hello. Im a trans lady named Jess. I dont look much like a lady yet, but someday I will. Im 21 years old, and Ive been on HRT for a little over 2 months. When I started HRT I wasnt even out to my parents yet. I didnt have the guts. You seem stronger than I, because of this. I started seeing a therapist and got him to write me a letter recommending HRT to an Endocrinologist in a nearby city. I got a lift from a friend to get to my appointment, I cant afford transportation. Since youre young, your parents insurance should still cover you, whether they want it to or not. Use it. Where Im going with this is that you can start taking serious steps towards transitioning with or without their knowledge or consent. I only came out to my parents after nearly a month on the little blue pills. Are you willing to start planning to build your new life, and take steps towards it every day to become the woman you feel you are inside? I will help you with this as best as I am capable of, any questions you may have, anything you want to know. Even if you just need a friend. ***"Time is a sort of river of passing events, and strong is its current; no sooner is a thing brought to sight than it is swept by and another takes its place, and this too will be swept away."***What is your name, dear?**Edit:** Let me know youre still out there so I can stop wondering if I was too late. **Double edit:** Seems your user has been deleted. ', 'If youd like another trans gal to chat with, Im here for you. I struggle with this shit too, and it helps a lot to be able to speak with someone who understands. <3

Ideation

The last guy beat me to the punch, but I like your username. Theyre some of the smartest birds, at least where Im from.Anyway, man, I really, really dont think you ought to do it based on what you know. If youd like to share more of your story with me, Id be glad to talk to you about it. ', 'I read it and I care and Id be interested in listening anything else you needed to say :/', 'This happened to me the day before yesterday. Im sorry to hear that. :/ It feels like the best option for me a lot of the time that Im walking down the street is to fling myself in front of a truck. Its an urge, even. Im here, though, because I didnt. I hope that that means something to you, and I hope that if you think talking to me would help you in any way at all that youll do it.', 'If youd like, you can talk to me. I wont even try to change your mind if you dont want me to; Id just like to see if I cant ease your nerves for a little while. :/ Thank you for reaching out this far, and please know that I give a fuck.', 'I feel that were in similar situations. My heart goes out to you. :/ Do feel free to talk to me if you feel it might help. Im horribly sorry that youre in a situation like that, and for what its worth, I believe that you can get through this.', 'Thank you both for caring, first of all. I probably should have addressed that in my original post.Taufish, Monday. I still attend therapy regularly (formerly, admittedly, at the behest of my girlfriend). I was on a few anti-depressants, sure, but theres not a lot they can do for BPD... thats part of what turned me off of the whole thing, to be sure. Thank you Tired much for the kind words!Billyup, I see what youre saying and there is without a doubt validity in it. My problem, though... its not just the highs and lows that Im Illness of. Im Illness of walking. While this has all been Tired interesting, I feel no real attachment to life anymore. I dont Fear death. I dont care, anymore, whether I wake up in the morning or not. It feels like everything I see is just a variation on what Ive seen- *nihil novi sub sole,* you know? Its not only misery, its bland misery. Am I making sense? Anyway, even if not, thanks for taking an interest.', 'I think with something as gravely, ultimately serious as whether you live or die, the temporary presence of the smallest doubt should really, really make you push your plans far, far back and reevaluate whether this whole living thing has some merit.Obviously, Im not you and I dont see this through your eyes, but it seems to me like you can still pick up and live your life. If youd like to talk to me, Im available.I would definitely, definitely remind some people that you love them, though, if youre really dead set on this course of action. Even if you already did it, I think you probably ought to do it again.I hope Im some help. Thank you for reaching out.', 'The universe doesnt need to be rid of you, though. Youre welcome to stay, so why not stay?Of course, I have no idea what youre going through, and so I cant really say much to you perfectly. Wont you tell me more?', 'I am so sorry for what youre going through. :/ Do you want to talk to me about it? If not, I understand. If so, I hope I could at least give you some solace with my story.Thank you for reaching out, either way.', 'You take it on faith; you take it to the heart...What do you mean? Id enjoy hearing your perspective on what you mean by the fact that theres something... novel. Something that a human doesnt experience more or less within their first two decades of life. At the risk of sounding redundant, I just feel as if its just stagnant.', 'I would be absolutely distraught to see a life cut short because of the bullying of anyone, let alone by their own parents. :/ I dont think youre whiny or spoiled. I think anyone who would write this or anything like it off as that are willfully ignoring a bigger issue.Now, I understand COMPLETELY why you feel the way you do, and cede that it is valid. However, while Im not trying at all to suggest to you what to do, in my experience socioeconomic status is absolutely no replacement for a healthy environment, nor are the broke necessarily less happy than the wealthy. Of course, I understand why nobody would willingly leave such an economic level. On the other hand, I know that if I were in such a situation, and I was ready to kill myself, Id at least take a chance on striking out on my own. After all, the difference between being rich and miserable and being poor and less miserable is much, much greater than being rich and dead and being poor and dead.The bottom line here is that youre not out of options, not yet.I care about your life.

Ideation

I think wed like to help you, but we might need more information. Can we just talk? Even if it feels ridiculous or like youre ranting, you might feel better and we might be able to address some of your concerns.', 'Im doing a lot. Im taking some really stimulating courses at the university of my dreams. Im going to India this summer. Ive picked up hobbies - painting, old movies, classical music, slowly learning German. Ive picked up good habits after months of discipline. Ive worked on my physical health. Im not sitting on my ass, just feeling sorry for myself. I think Im far from that. I work Tired hard to try and carve out happiness. I have made efforts to better my life and better myself, but it all feels absolutely empty. I honestly believe that it will always feel this empty. If Im giving 100% and getting so little back, I hardly think continuing is worth it.I wont feel better if I kill myself, but at least then I wont feel anything. Look, youre not actually going to care if I kill myself. I know thats what people say through the internet, but its a hollow statement. You have no investment in me and youre not going to remember this in a week. I dont mean that to sound harsh, but its true.', 'Well, lets talk about a few things that are going on here.First off, holy shit. You certainly did try to overdose. I am surprised that you were able to wake up.Secondly, you certainly do need help. You say that your friends and family arent an option. I can tell you that drugs are not an option either. Out of all the people Ive known to self-medicate, I cant think of one who actually benefited from using drugs. Why do you use drugs? Do they help you get through your problems (or Numbness your way through them)? Are they use around your environment?Im sorry that a relationship with your ex is not going to work out. Im proud that you finally realized it - isnt that the first step to eventually getting over it altogether? If it hurts to read that, maybe you dont want to get over it. What do you need to get off your chest concerning her in order to feel better?Lets just talk. Dont go running to drugs in order to Numbness this - youve got to get over this. Were here to help.', 'I am here to talk, not judge you. If I overstep my boundaries, let me know and Ill back off.I want to you know that there is, without a doubt, hope for you. I have met people who most certainly do have social Anxiety and are able to not only function healthily eventually, but also become sociable. This isnt it for you - you can rise above this just like other people have. Let me just congratulate you on getting into uni. Please dont fall into the mental trap of thinking that everyone has a better social life than you do. I might be a poor poster child for these things (I tend to stay in my room and only go out one night of the weekend....if that), but most people are bumbling around. Its not what Hollywood or facebook portray, no matter how glamorous that shit may seem to some people.With that out of the way, you arent your Anxiety. Yes, you feel Anxiety and, yes, your actions are in response to the way you cant help but feel. However, I would try and separate yourself from the Anxiety you feel as much as possible. This might sound like confusing advice, but what it boils down to is swallowing your Fear and pushing ahead. Dont think about giving a presentation or trying to work your way through a roomful of people - just take baby steps. Work on introducing yourself and asking questions to people. Speaking of which, let me ask you a few things. What are you so afraid of? What is the worst thing that could happen, say, when you went up to that professor and asked a question? Are you afraid of looking dumb? Is it that the words just dont come out?I want you to know something Tired Pain that everyone has to learn - it has hit me rather hard, to be honest. Not everyone is going to like you. In fact, sometimes the majority of people in a room wont like you - even if youre not at fault. Thats not fair or nice, but Ive found that its true. However, that doesnt have to stop you from loving and liking yourself. Underneath that social Anxiety and Feeling Feeling nervous is YOU, and its important that you dont mix up your issue of socialization with your successes and positive characteristics in life. YOU are a good and interesting person. Your Anxiety is not you, even if it speaks loudest at times.', 'There are no people who care about me. Not really. If I did, I wouldnt be writing about my problems on reddit.I appreciate your kind words, but, I mean, youre not a friend or someone who is really invest in my wellbeing. I dont really expect you to be either - this is the internet and I can be realistic.', 'Food can be an addiction just as much as alcohol, gambling, and drugs. Your addition is just as legitimate as anyone elses. I will tell you that I had - and still struggle with - an addiction to food.I dont want to sound rude, but are you killing yourself on purpose or can you just not stop eating? Are you eating to specifically kill yourself?You need to talk to your wife and then reach out for help. The first step really is admitting that there is a problem. Now, you need to seek help. People recover from addiction and build normal lives. That can be you.Were you always obese? It sounds like you know what its like to be physical since you mentioned playing with dogs, hiking, and basketball. One of the toughest parts of helping food addicts is that they just dont know what theyre missing out on - but it sounds like you understand! Use those memories as inspiration as well as the thought of one day being a father and playing with your child.Its not about food. There is something else going on and I imagine that Depression is playing a large part in your problem. Open up to your wife.', 'It sounds like there is nothing stable in your life. There doesnt seem to be anything or anyone you can count on. When its people, things get complicated because there are Emotional upset attachments that get mixed up in everything.So, you need to find something stable. Drugs seem stable, but of course theyre not in the long run. Unfortunately, even in the best of circumstances, you rarely find people who you can fully count on. That means youre going to have to end up finding stability in yourself. That doesnt seem fair or particularly fun, but I wonder what else you could really find stability in at this point.Your age is going to partly determine what you can find stability in beyond yourself. School, work, or hobbies are the usual answers, but thats because theyre usually the best. And maybe you have a shit job or classes suck or you cant seem to find anything youre good at - I can really relate to you there - but you have to try with at least one of these. Theyre your best shot. They may be your only shot for the time being.You seem Tired isolated and alone. Im sorry for this, because even the most Depression and aloof people Ive met have something to contribute and some of them are the most awesome people I know. It seems that you are going to have to work on you for a while - even though you have done nothing wrong.', 'This is the way its always been, and its only going to stop when I finally make it.Night.', 'I can relate. I transferred from a community college and into a university. I was already a couple years older than my peers, but I really thought that the transition would change everything.This is my third and final year. I have Tired, Tired few people who I know and no one here I would consider myself close friends with. No one to open up to. It really hit me a couple weeks ago that, despite all my attempts, Im still just as lonely as I was before I got here. Maybe even more lonely.I will break up my suggestions into two categories: The first of which relates to your academics. You need to figure out why youre in college. You sound as if youre already falling behind. Do you really want to be there? Are you just in college because thats what seems natural, what people expect of you? My experience is that there are a lot of young people in college who arent really excited to be there. Thats not good. Theyre getting into crazy debt and are having to fight tooth and nail for shit jobs post-graduation. Im not advising you leave school, but I would suggest you figure yourself out. There is nothing wrong with taking a year or two or five to work a job or travel. I didnt go to school right away and was much more mentally prepared for it when I finally decided the time was right.As far as friends go, you gotta get out. You have to physically get out there. I tried joining clubs - honestly, I embarrassed myself in more than one of them. There were others that I didnt like. It didnt always work out, but if I took ten shots and nine missed, at least I got one. At least one person talked to me and didnt think I was an idiot. I ended up doing a lot of things by myself and just got used to it. Sure, it doesnt help me make friends, but it gets me out and keeps me sane. I go to plays, concerts, movies, museums, etc by myself.The first year of university sucks. It does. But if you work at it, it can get better.', 'http://www.suicide.org/international-suicide-hotlines.html You need to call someone NOW.If you dont think you can make the call, please tell me why youre scared? Are you scared it will hurt? Are you afraid of yourself? Are you afraid of the consequences?Please DO NOT harm yourself. We are here for you.', 'So, you do these things before people get to know you as a way to "protect" yourself?', 'I hate it when someone offers to listen to my problems only to then get bored after a minute. They throw out a "Well, just think positive!" and then become frustrated when I dont bask in the glory of their completely original suggestion. I hate that. It demonstrates that someone doesnt give a shit or even try to give a shit.I dont hate suggestions - even suggestions that I dont think will work - from those who genuinely care about me. These people listen and their ideas come from their interest in helping me. Just as I feel hopeless to save myself, they feel hopeless to save me too. They see me drowning in a whirlpool of my own misery and theyre willing to throw out damn near anything - life vests, chairs, arm floaties, saxophones - for me latch onto so that I can swim away from danger. So theyll mention going for a jog, meditating, talking to a therapist, and I try to be patient. Even if Ive tried out all these ideas or they just dont work for me, there is a teeny, tiny bit of comfort in the fact that someone has tried. Maybe not enough to inch away from the whirlpool, but enough to not get sucked in that night.But, yea, to the people who think throwing out a motivational quote should someone make you snap out of it? They can go fuck themselves.', 'Yea, I would be surprised how much strangers care. I didnt mean to upset you, but Im being realistic. When I kill myself it will have absolutely no bearing on your life. If the amount of care I receive from people in my life now is all Im going to get, its not good enough to stop me from ending my life. Thats that. It would be wrong to just pin my suicide on my loneliness or blame other people, so I wont do that. Ill take responsibility for my actions. But its just not enough.', 'I think thats part of my problem. I want to follow whatever pathway will give me the most amount of success or happiness - but I Fear these will be mutually exclusive. On top of that, I dont think it matters what I choose because Ill never be truly successful or truly happy either. I dont have the ability for the former and I dont even know how to approach the latter.', 'What do you want to talk about? It can be as obscure or detailed as you like. Anything you need.', 'Thank you. Everything ended three years ago. I thought that I had been able to move on, but Im slowly realizing that some of my ingrained behaviors and outlooks have been shaped out of the way I was raised. Its not that I dont want to take responsibility for my actions or my ideas, but rather that I dont know how to respond to reality because I wasnt raised in it. The website looks helpful. It certainly can be difficult to find people who have gone through similar experiences. Thank you again.', 'My Depression comes and goes in waves, and my lack of a sex drive is one aspect of my struggle that I hate. Ill get somewhat horny and try to masturbate, but I wont be able to finish. I either get bored, stop, and try to ignore whatever urges Ive built up, or else I pretty much ~make~ myself finish and its so mechanical that its not pleasurable at all.Its frustrating because I just want to take care of my urges.', 'I have trouble defining success and happiness. I feel so narcissistic saying this, but to be honest, I think I define success as being a big name. A mover. Someone who matters and influences the world in a big way. As far as happiness goes, I dont know how to define it. I dont know what it actually IS. I can say that I want a house and love and good food and stability and time to read and watch movies, but I dont really know. I know that happiness is supposed to be a journey and not a destination, but every time I achieve something, Im not happy because Ive got to look for the next thing to work on. I dont think I can be happy. I just dont know how.I have no goals. If someone told me that x would make me successful and/or happy, Id do it, whatever it is. Im going to graduate and then I have to figure things out. I feel so little compared to the people I work under. I want them to see me as an equal, someone who really has ideas to contribute. I think I DO have ideas to contribute, although Im still working on smoothing out my edges. But itll never be enough.', 'There is a lot going on in your post. For some reason, even after reading through twice, the part about suicide being a "cop-out" sticks out to me. Your friend doesnt know what he or she is talking about. Ive had people tell me similar things, that ending your own life is cowardly, is running away, etc.These people have almost certainly never been Suicidal. To me, being on the verge of taking my own life is a lot like being backed up into a corner with no way out. The old ways of getting out - things that once made me happy, devices used to calm me down - dont work anymore, and Im squeezed tighter and tighter into a smaller and darker corner.What it boils down to, I think, is that you have to find a device to get out. Its either that or try to survive in the corner for as long as possible with the probability that youll eventually submit to the darkness. This isnt profound advice. I even think its annoying - because it sounds like you HAVE been trying. You HAVE tried to follow peoples advice and get out of the corner - but for some reason youre still stuck. Do you have any idea why you are the way you are? Why youve taken a sudden turn for the worst?', 'There seems like theres a lot going on in your life. What seems to be an overall issue is that no one believes you and in turn you have no one to talk to. After several years of this, its going to wear a person down. Hopefully, posting here will help relieve some Pressure and some people will be able to talk with you.It bothers me that your mother doesnt take your eating disorder seriously. Even in the event that you are lying about having an eating disorder (which I know youre absolutely NOT lying, Im just speaking hypothetically), then she should be concerned as to why you would lie about it. Either way, she should take these red flags seriously. I hope no one makes you feel guilty for not clicking with the counselor. I have never actually spoken to a counselor because I just dont think Id be able to find one Id like. Im sure this is not the answer Im "supposed" to give you. I think it WOULD be good for you to continue seeking help until you find someone you can work with - but that being said, a counselor is a Tired personal career. Its been over five years and I still cant find a dentist I like for Crying out loud.I really try to refrain from commenting "Oh my god! I know how you feel! The exact same thing happened to me now let me one up you!" However, I want you to know that I got rejected from uni several years ago. It took a lot of sacrifice and hard work, but I was eventually able to attend a school later. It is absolutely devastating to be rejected because we put so much focus on kids going to college - eighteen years of working up to it, and now you might feel like you have nothing to show for all that hard work.Once again, I hesitate to throw too much of myself into your problem. I will offer that I ended up meeting a lot of people who did not also go to school right away and who were able to create their own paths. It took a lot more work and creativity on their part, but their lives were far from over at 20. Some of them were the most badass people Ive ever met. Would you be able to get a job? I think for a lot of people, this is a good idea because it allows you to get out, get experience, and give you a reason to get out of bed every morning. When youre down and out, anything may help.Why do you think people arent taking you seriously? If you could do ANYTHING in life, what would you do?', 'Youre arent the only person though! I have a food addiction that I struggle with. It takes different forms - the form it takes for you is just as legitimate. It doesnt make any rational sense - thats why its an addiction. Think about the opposite end of the spectrum with Loss of appetite people. That doesnt make any sense either.I dont want to insult your wife, but if you are open and honest then she should believe you because shes your wife. Same with a counselor - they see all kinds of different problems.What it boils down to is that you have to take that leap and tell someone. Making yourself say it out loud will help you come to grips with your addiction. Right now youre stuck with only your thoughts, and you need the thoughts and support of other people. Please take the leap.', 'Hey, how are you doing? It seems like theres been a few problems on your post since I last logged onto reddit. Once again, Im not interested in judging you, just talking. If I overstep my boundaries, let me know and Ill back off.I have to admit that when I first clicked on your post, I thought you feeling Suicidal over being a virgin was - to put it nicely - not something I could take seriously. However, if people heard the reasons I wanted to kill myself, Im sure Id get a lot of "WTF?"s. I think as people, we should try to control aspects of our lives and our reactions to situations, but suicide isnt exactly logical to begin with. Getting to that point is bound to be riddle with illogical ideas and overwhelming emotions. I want to clear something up, first off: the party scene you describe in college is a fantasy. It never exists for the vast majority of people, and when a lot of people say theyre going to party, it just means that its a lot of people sitting around, drinking, and, well yes, sometimes trying to hook up. I really thought I was missing out, until I had a roommate who was into the "party" scene. Man - it was a waste of life and energy. It was mostly people who fancied themselves the shakers of the world because they were young, good looking, and drunk. They had gigantic attitudes and judged people by shit that doesnt fucking matter. Ill never forget when my roommate told me that she "runs this town." No, she didnt. She just wasted a lot of money on drinks and clothes and went out to get smashed and go clubbing. I always stayed in with a few beers and watched Netflix in my pjs.But, you could potentially make the argument that she learned to socialize more and, yes, she had sex (although meaningless sex, which sounds like something youre not all too interested in). I guess I cant argue too much beyond saying that the quality of relations she had were shit. I dont feel like I missed out on much, and, frankly, no one parties to find quality people to hang out with or to learn to socialize.Im going to move on. Now, I can only talk about myself personally, but I think it might hold true for other women: I dont like flirting. I dont think its a good tactic, because it feels like a guy is trying to be sly and get something out of me. I DO love having friendly conversations. Try to aim for the latter. This is when my advice echoes that of most of reddit: you gotta find something to talk about. The way you do that is by bettering yourself and getting a hobby. That way, when you see a woman holding a book, mentioning a type of food she likes, or what her goals are, youll be more likely to at least have some common knowledge on the subject and interact. If she thinks you kindly contributing to the conversation is creepy, then shes probably not a nice person. The tough part is that this has to happen "naturally" - its rarely going to work on the street, but itll fly in a break room or coffee shop.If you dont know any young, single women, then you dont know enough people. You gotta find something to do: a hiking group, a class, a community club - anything. Even if you show up and there are no available women youd be interested in, at least you have the experience to talk about later and youve met people.I would also suggest online dating. I know some people have mixed feelings over it, but I think its a wonderful tool. You can think about what you want to say before you put it out there, and you can be completely honest. I would mention that youre a bit shy. I like the idea of online dating because you can cut to the chase and just be honest. Sure, most people will pass your profile by, but it means that when someone does talk to you, you can know that theyre talking to YOU.I cant quite figure out why being a virgin is such a big deal to you. Im not trying to be an asshole, but I cant figure it out. I thought maybe you were a jerk who just wanted to get laid, but that doesnt seem to be it. I thought maybe you had some idealized version of romance, but that doesnt quite seem to be it either. How does being a virgin at 25 make you feel? Weak? Pathetic? Why? What does having sex mean to you? What would you need in order to not want to kill yourself over this matter?That was long winded and maybe not Tired helpful, but I just wanted to put all that out there and have no regrets later.', 'Yea, I guess. But up until three years ago, it wasnt even a thought because of the religion I grew up in.', 'I am a student who does work study at my university. My asshat boss did something similar a while ago. As he leaned back in his office chair, interlaced his fingers together and rested them on his belly, he said that he could tell I was going to end up alright in life and I wasnt one of the work studies he has to worry about. ', 'Im not judging you, but Im interested in really trying to understand your situation. I hope this would be okay to ask: why do you think youve been unable to make these connections with others? Also, even if sex isnt the only goal, why is it such a centerpiece to you?', 'WHAT? I know lots of people who dont get married before the big 4-0 and there are people who wait to get married even after that!1) Youve had roughly ten years of your life when marriage was an option. Thats it! Thats not a lot at all!2) Youve been doing YOU! I mean, probably in more way than one, but theres nothing wrong with setting the life up you want by yourself.3) Most of the people I know who got married before their late twenties are divorced by now. Youre ahead of the game already!Why is marriage so important to you? Is it marriage or being loved? Why do you think its because youre unlovable as opposed to it just not happening yet? What do you need in life to be happy and why?', 'Whenever I go into one of my depressive cycles, my sex drive noticeably decreases. Even when Ill try to get off, I wont be able to finish, making me even more frustrated. On a regular basis, I have trouble getting off the way most other women do anyways, so that kinda takes a hit on my confidence overall.Do you think theres a connection between your Depression and sex drive? It sounds like you just have a low sex drive - thats not unnatural. Some people are just naturally less interested in sex. I would say there is no such thing as a "real man." Its not your job to sexually satisfy a woman. Just because youre less interested in sex doesnt make you less masculine. There are women out there who would be satisfied in a relationship with little to no sex. But in my own way, I emphasize with you. Regular sex is Tired uncomfortable for me and so what I can do is limited. It probably contributes to my overall lack of confidence.', 'Why do you say horrific things to people and destroy everything?', '"Everything happens for a reason." :)FUCK YOU.

Behavior

Well Im truly saddened by this. Its people like you that make me truly happy you existed but saddened you must go. Keep it real brother x

Supportive

youre a troll', 'I care, you can talk to me whenever.', 'Im here if you need help', 'Its good that youre sticking up for yourself, I wish you good luck OP and I hope you get the girl. ', '> Im worth more dead than alive.Thats a fucked up way of thinking. You dont need to go through with this.', 'no problem', 'How bad are the charges? We wont know what route to take to help if you dont at least say it. Anyways good luck OP!!!', 'Leave you bf and leave town. Start over or just move a town or city over and go to visit your son regularly. He isnt worth all that bullshit especially if he said you were the problem.', 'Dont go through with it then. How do you think your family and friends will feel?', 'I also had a thought about what it would feel like to Pain someone, just punch a girl in the back of the head. It lasted for about a Asthenia and I never acted on it but I think everyone has a thought like that, they just dont admit it. If everyone finds out then that guy is a douche and he isnt your real friend. You dont need anyone there, you can start fresh in a new city or town. You dont have to stay there. Good luck OP and I hope everything works out for you!!!', 'You can talk to me whenever you want.', 'If you remain unemployed you can always enroll in police academy and become a cop.', 'How does he get money? I thought it was only family. All Im saying is think about it, sleep on it.', 'All problems matter, no matter how insignificant you think they seem. Just tell the girl you like her, what can go wrong? The worst she can do is say no. Last summer I sent a girl a message on facebook telling her that I like her and she didnt reply. I was sad for a little while but after some time passed I realized that she was a bitch. Looking back at it I realize that she was one of the bigegst bitches in school but she seemed nice to me or maybe she was nice to me. Anyways I realized that I dont need her, even though I still kind of like her. What Im saying is that those feelings will go away over time and youll eventually fall for someone else. And you also dont need a best friend like that, why dont you try telling her that you feel ignore by her? If she is truly your friend then she will realize that she has been acting Common cold towards you. If she doesnt then you can tell her to go fuck herself. ', 'Constanza', 'If he doesnt care why did he say he backs you up? People change maybe he did too.', 'I thought you were going to kill yourself, what happened?', 'I see, well that is better than what I had pictured. Anyways this one mistake shouldnt cost your life, you should hang in there and hope that you will come out as a winner. Minimum security jail isnt as bad as it sounds, I had an aunt that went there and some friends. As long as you mind your own business and keep cool you can get through with it. Good luck and if you need to talk further Im here for you!!!', 'But who gets stuck with the debt when youre gone? How old are you?', 'Like who?', 'Hang in there OP, talk this out with your parents or a sibling or maybe even a friend. If not you can always talk to us.', 'Instead of punching a wall, put a punching bag or your bed or a pillow. Let those feelings out by screaming or drawing. Hang in there OP, Im here for you if you need someone.', 'Hang in there OP, Im here for you too.', 'Im here for you OP.

Ideation

I said a mean thing earlier. I apologize. I shouldnt have let my jealousy get the better of me, especially when all you wanted to do was help people.', 'I live in Tennessee; and Im using mostly job boards since most businesses around here refuse to speak with anybody regarding employment that are "going door-to-door."Ive been the to local unemployment office, multiple times in fact, and their response every time has been "Have you tried online job boards? Try online job boards. No, we cant offer you any help. Use the online job boards."Same thing more or less also happened when I went to my universitys employment services office.', 'I dont know how my economic area stacks up against other places, but despite my efforts, Ive been looking for work for the past 2 months and only found one job.That one job lasted all of two days, and because of that job, Im not getting any of my unemployment benefits right now. (Im "under review" and have been for that past month.)To say nothing of the fact that Ive been searching for work for the past 4 years. Ive been looking for a different job for the first 3, but once I found a job I actually liked, I wound up getting laid off. (Which put me in the situation Im in now.)Basically, my past experiences are what lead me to believe its a hopeless situation.

Indicator

He is an outstanding guy, I love him, he is amazing. Works a job that sucks his soul out just so he can try and make a life for himself, and eventually me.I am indeed in the US. We do have a Salvation Army, and love going there. Has the best stuff. Just havent gone by in quite some time =(Going to the laundromat is what is costing so much. Taking care of my brother involves lots of bed changes to keep him from getting bedsores. (I forgot to mention he is Bed-ridden and mute, along with being tube-fed) So its like 5-6 loads of laundry, $5 bucks per load in tiny-ass washing machines. I would need to ask my mother about craigslist, shit I didnt even think of that. Thanks for giving me that thought!Please dont feel that way, youve already helped by making me think of craigslist. =)Ive tried really hard with my chick friend, shes like a little crazy sister to me. She needs to get some kind of help - the bipolarism runs hard in her family. On her good days, she is FUCKING AMAZING HOLY SHIT I COULD HANG OUT WITH HER FOR DAYS. Bad days? Fuck that noise, its like walking on eggshells with shotgun triggers under each one. Guy friend will be easier to deal with, think Im gonna talk to him about it later today.holy shit. You dont need to buy anything for me, just getting a good response has made me so hopeful and figuratively Vomiting rainbows and happy and thinking *hey things arent so bad after all I mean you CAN fix this shit*. That is worth more than anything to me right now.About my douchebag brother, well, he is fucking his life up so bad, I actually feel pity for him. Its like, I can forgive him, if he stays the fuck away from me, not sure if that makes sense. Thankfully he lives half a state away and is easily ignored. I have reported him as thoroughly as possible (he succeeded in molesting a preteen daughter of a girlfriend a few years ago, got his ass pegged hard for that one), though what he did to me wasnt considered evidence/whatever the word is. So its out there that hes a scumbag, thankfully!And thank you so much for taking the time to respond to me, you have no idea how much better it makes me feel to actually be able to talk about this with someone holy shit fucking sock monkeys *internet hugs*', 'That didnt occur to me, I have a ton of stationary, colored pencils, and other art-y stuff around from my *deep emo art* years. Will definitely look into that!We really do need to do that. Even if we have to schedule it (the reason my sleeping is so fucked is because my mother is nocturnal, and my fiancee works nights), we really need to just have a **hey this makes me angry, ok im done, angry sexytimes now** moment or two. And he is hoping to have enough saved by March or so, with me hopefully moving in around July. Maybe. Our plans always go horribly awry, Im just hoping he gets a car by March, so he wont need to get ferried by his sleep-deprived mom.I figured there was a really good reason behind that, I know how that stuff goes. Its how we got the dog in the first place. And we know our limits thankfully, if it ever got to the point where it was too stressful to take care of him, or he would have a better life elsewhere, we would find him a good home. Same for my cat.Thank you so much for helping, it really helped me to talk with you guys today. I dont know how to put it into words how thankful and happy it made me to get some good, solid advice and help from you guys. ;_;', 'Good idea, I found an assistance reddit, with a metric fuck ton of other help reddits on the sidebar. Looking into this asap! Thank you again for helping ;_;', 'Having read the entirety of your post and comments, Ive come to the conclusion that you really should try to learn an instrument. You have the internet at your hands! YouTube some lessons, there are probably thousands out there. Maybe focusing on that will help some..Other than that, I have nothing to offer but sympathy and hope. =( Please feel better.', 'Im going through every word of that...Please feel better.', '\\o High-five! Woo!A washing machine would make everything so much easier, workload-wise. I dont need a dryer, lived without one for years; we use clotheslines to dry things. Gonna get to searching for one like you suggested.We use a sheepskin and sheet combo (by sheepskin, it has the exact same texture as an actual sheep, but is made out of non-sheep fibers), and yes a towel texture would be Tired bad for his skin, as it is Tired thin; though I do use one occasionally for VERY short intervals when I bathe him. And that still leaves marks. =( Everything underneath him has to be as flat and smooth as possible to prevent marking.Again, thank you so much for responding.', 'Killing yourself is never an option. You are capable of so many things, and you have your entire life ahead of you. One stint in prison wont change that. Things will get better, have hope.I have no advice as I am young and naive about these things. I can only offer the most sincere comfort of a stranger on the internet. *hugs*', 'Dear god, you made me cry. Ive been suffering from Depression since I was 8, myself. You give me hope that I will someday be able to fight this, and rise above it.Thank you so much for writing this.', 'There are literally no jobs to be had. And so many people are being fired. The KFC I tried applying at closed down about 3 weeks ago, out of nowhere. And I am applying to any job that will take my sorry ass, man I will scrub toilets with a toothbrush wearing nothing but fuckin SOCKS if that would get me out of here for a few hours.He is a wonderful guy, I call it unstable because our communication isnt good at ALL. He cant vent to me because he feels my situation is the worse, and I explained why I couldnt vent to him. Were not going to break up by any means, weve soldiered on for years. Maybe I should change the wording? D= I dont live with him; he lives three states away, at a job he hates. But a job is a job.The dog was a rescue from my batshit cousin with 5 kids. He is loved and wanted, but hes my moms dog, not mine. So he is to her, what my cat is to me. Itd kill her if we had to give him up. (History of rescuing animals, and losing quite a few through medical reasons)I see your point here. Ive really gotta tell my guy friend to cut that shit out, joking about banging my fiancee makes me feel like crap.No, I take care of my half-brother, who was injured in a car accident when I was 2. My other brother moved out when I was 13ish and moved half a state away, thankfully. I would have murdered him if their situations were swapped, heh.Thank you so much for responding with honesty and being helpful. Really, thank you so much. ;_; *hugs*', 'Thank you so much for reading it, and responding. Im going to try and respond as much in here, and try not to sound like a babbling mess. but again, thank you so much, its guys like you that give me hope that I can eventually get the hell out of this mess and come out like a champion.', 'My mother joined the military when she was quite young (Army), and stated that the best options (if I were to join) would be Air Force or Navy.Education-wise, my mother never filed the paperwork to get my homeschool diploma. My half-sister suggested I get a GED in lieu of getting the diploma; Im thinking this would be the best course?Thank you for responding honestly. I am amazed at the responses Ive gotten today. I will definitely think about this. *internet hugs*

Indicator

Things seem to have taken a turn for the worst... Im so Worried for her life now. ', 'I think youre right.. I think its time I started seeing someone to talk to. Ive put it off for about a year now. (my mother has been offering the option for about that long) I cant believe people care about this.. And arent just looking at it like just another sad break up.. Thats what my parents did. Thats what most friends did. Only 3 people including strangers on reddit have been understanding. Or at least try to be. And supportive too. Thank you so much for being here for me... My mind is in such a bad place.. ', 'I have been trying to focus on friends.. Ive been trying to get out almost every day Im free just to keep my mind active and distracted. 2 other guys and I keep going out trying to get girls numbers and just being high school guys but I feel worse and worse because in the back of my head I still want to spend my days with her. Its been a few weeks since we were together too.. ', 'In all honesty.. I only want her. I want to be happy with her again.. I still love her and I dont want to find someone else to replace her.. Deep down I dont want to find someone else. ', 'I think I am going to get help. As soon as I can. I feel like if I dont Ill stay exactly how I am falling deeper and deeper and Im afraid if I fall any deeper I might give up... I already have thoughts that I fight. Maybe I really should do something. My mother has been concerned about my wellbeing. But she doesnt know the full story of all this.. She thinks its just a breakup I need to get over. ', 'I feel safer with one person because Ive never had a best friend or a loved one I would go to when I needed them. People have always just come and go in my life so for me to connect to one girl who loved me the way I loved her... I felt like I wasnt alone anymore. Like it wasnt just me every day mindlessly going through my life.. Ik it sounds needy but I guess Im just the type of person who can only connect with one person on that level. ', 'Its not that I feel better with friends.. I feel distracted. When I was drinking and cutting it was only to see if I still feel anything.. The drinking I just feel guilty and the cutting makes me hate myself.. Ive stopped that tho.', 'Ya know.. Ive struggled with Depression for about a year and a half now. It only got better in the time I was with her. But now that I dont really have her here, Ive fallen to a place so dark Im actually scared to be home alone because Im afraid of myself. The breakup happened Superbowl Sunday. Yeh lousy timing. There were 2 breakups. The first wasnt bad and just more of a lets try to work around some issues and the second was when she decided she couldnt be with me if she were to try and get better.. ', 'I feel destroyed not just because of a breakup. People break up. Ive done it before. I am destroyed because I poured everything I am into someone who gave me everything she was.. And now shes gone.. This evening after I showered and shaved I stared at myself in the mirror and asked how would I want my last day to be like.. Thats how I know something is seriously wrong with me. Im too scared to tell anyone. I dont want to alarm my friends or family.. ', 'Im getting help. Very soon.. I think its about time I do. Ive already fallen in the deep end and if I try to get out by myself Im Worried Ill fall back in and there wont be any water.. ', 'She was. Im also glad I did what I could. She deserves a good life. The last few weeks have been the probably the worst of my life and maybe hers. But Ive got alot of life to live yet, and Im going to change myself for the better... Its about time I have. Thank you for being here for me and listening/understanding when you dont even know us.. It really means so much to me. ', 'Well for the next few days Im just going to go to school, come home, wait for dinner, go to bed early. Basically repeat that every day.. Maybe Friday I was gonna call her and try to talk even a little bit.. Btw did I mention I dont sleep.A. Because I cant sleep in general (due to Anxiety) B. When I do sleep I only dream of her still being here.. C. What is there for me when I wake up now..?', 'I love her more than life... I know I put too much of myself into us and thats why it hurts so bad but I honestly dont regret doing so.. She does have some things she needs to work out and I support her but I dont want her to go.. I know it hurts her too.. Because Ive tried to reach out to her and she has her friends read the texts before she does because it hurts that bad.. I know I should be supportive but I feel so alone. Having her gone and her not being here just... Its tearing me apart and driving me to such a bad place. Thank you tho for wanting to help.. It does mean alot. ', 'Every single time I feel like I get close to someone or I have someone there for me they go away or become distant not for personal reasons.. They just go. My girlfriend was the first person who I felt like isnt going anywhere. For the first time I actually looked at my future as less lonely and something to consider with her.. She helped me cope with my Anxiety whenever Id have a panic attack shed calm me down so well.. Shes the only one who knew how to calm my overactive mind. ', 'Ive tried talking to friends. They all tell me the same thing.. Love what was, but move on and eventually Ill find someone else. In all honesty I dont want to spend my life finding someone else. I liked being with her because I felt safe and genuinely happy.. Idk maybe a strangers support will help me get my head out of such a dark place. Because noone I know is doing any good.. ', 'Im not sure what there is to talk about anymore. Im not sad or happy. Im just.. I feel empty. Like literal nothing. The only times Ill be sad or upset is when I begin to think about when I was happy. Or at least think I was. Or when I think about my ex girlfriend. Once I start thinking about it all I cant stop and I just dont want anything to do with anyone or go anywhere.. Idk maybe Im just broken and dont know what makes me feel.. Probably doesnt make sense. But it does to me. ', 'Yeh man.. She um.. I spoke to her earlier just to see how she was.. And she told me that the night we broke up, she opened the box in which she had duct taped bad things inside (to hide it away from herself) and she swallowed the pills inside.. She had her stomach pumped in time tho. She "had stitches too". She told me some other things that scared me so much.. But my head got straight. For the first time in a while I didnt panic. I didnt do anything other than talk softly and encourage trying harder at life. As soon as she left, I messaged her dad, sister and best friend and told them everything she said. I told them she needs as much help the world can offer right now. I still care. I also decided that as a 16 year old I shouldnt have to deal with things as heavy as this.. Ive got my issues but Im going to deal with them ASAP. I shouldnt have to hold someone elses life or worry about loved ones dying at any moment. I think now that Ive gotten everyone aware of the severity of the situation.. I need to move on. To work at myself. Ive done everything in my power for HER.', 'Ive has Anxiety for a long time. Long as I can remember actually.. But it became pretty apparent last summer? Maybe the one before. When I was with her I rarely had panic attacks though.. Now that shes gone Ive had more than I can count. So she wasnt just good for me emotionally she helped me with my own Depression and Anxiety. Along with hers... ', 'Im going to try to make a change for myself and she is going to get what she needs.. Thank you for just being here and listening to all this. You really helped. ', 'Im not sure... Ive always felt alone and thats what made the Anxiety worse sometimes and the Depression more apparent.. Im not Tired rounded when it comes to sharing myself with friends. Id much rather just have one person there with me because I feel.... More secure.. ', 'Losing her makes me feel alone and aimless again. Like I have no reason for anything.. I feel some guilt. Only because I know I made mistakes and broke a few promises.. I know if I had the chance Id be able to do right. When Im with my friends its a distraction so I feel somewhat better.. But usually only for that brief time. When Im at home I just wander around from room to room. Eventually having a panic attack then Ill just cry myself into a corner for a half hour.. Then repeat about an hour later. I dont trust myself because Ive been playing with matches. (literally) Theres a hard liquor rack in my house and Ive started drinking a bit.. Ive tried cutting a few times to see if I feel anything.. I just dont like what goes through my head. I cant even distract myself easily..

Behavior

From the guardian article comments:>Wouldnt attempt rates be less accurately reported than succes rates? For actual suicides there is a body (in most cases) and a coroners report, but how many attempts go unrecorded, and what defines an attempt anyway?>Some suicide methods are easily identified, even if they only result in a failed bid, whereas others remain hidden to all but the attempter. This is imoortant if, as you say, there is a difference in male methods and female methods. These figures may not bear scrutiny', 'Lonely as lonely can get.Shit was so much easier in my teenage years.', 'No, I predicted people would say that.', 'A healthy religious family and comunity(in b4 oxymoron) should know how to deal witth doubt.', 'People dont want this to go public but think about this:When someone kills himself on a webcam and a bunch of trolls/idiots cheer the deed, it will be all over the news to say how evil the techie generation is. When people actually help their fellow man over the web, it might go unnoticed.', 'Still murky, theres the problem of confusing suicide attempts with overdoses for instance.', 'I will be doing my Apllied Thermodynamics exam.Third date and Im still behind first base, dont know if I should bring flowers.

Ideation

Why?', 'Idk. Weve been talking. She says she doesnt want to see me until shes ready to get back together. Its still pretty confusing to me. But I definitely feel more hopeful that this will work out eventually. I just dont get what this is about because too me, and to everyone really that knows us, I think, we are clearly a Tired good couple, good for each and good with each other. I guess that does sound like your situation. Sounds like it happened to you a while ago though.', 'Do you have a job?', 'I was in the same boat as you for the last couple months. I know exactly how you feel. If you check my comment history you will see the post I made when my gf of 4 years broke up with me. I didnt find out until a Asthenia ago, but she left me for a guy she workswith. I love her more than anything and just like you I saw no future without her. So what I did is went to work improving myself and becoming the best me I could be. I knew she had left because I had changed over the last 6 months into something other than myself and the only hope I could hold onto was that these efforts would bring her back to me. So I started saving all my money for our future together, I started working out and eating right, I did a bunch of things both big and small that I know she likes for me to do. Now I am in the habit of budgeting well, eating well, exercising regularly, staying cleanshaven instead of growing a scruffy beard until it gets Itching enough that I shave it, I dont take out my feelings by arguing with people, I listen more, I am just an all around better person.And guess what, my gf came back to me and we are planning big things for the Tired near future. Not saying this will happen in your case necessarily (for me, my gf said being with that guy made her more sure that I am who she belongs with basically). But even if she doesnt, you will feel better about yourself. You will be more confident. I know it because I had become a Depression fuck that no one would want to be around due to personal reasons and that is why my gf left and now I am not. Even before my gf came back I could already sense I was changing, becoming better. Im telling you - throw everything in to improving whatever you feel you dont like about yourself. When you feel you might as well die, there is nothing left to lose. So you might as well give it a shot. ', 'So many Los Campesinos! lyrics..."This thing hurts like hell,but what did you expect?"-The Sea is a Good Place to Think About the Future"the first time, the last time, all the times in-betweenthe first time, the last time, all the times i wouldve liked there to have beeni cant believe i chose the mountains every time you chose the sea..."-Coda: Burn Scar in the Shape of the Sooner State"I think too much about the end, but being around it made me feel like Im coping.Now when I view the cemetery I dont see headstones,I see rows of engraved metal teeth, hungry, waiting for meAnd though I am fearful, I think I just crave the relief"-Who Fell Asleep In"I taught myself the only way to vaguely get along in loveIs to like the other slightly less than you get in returnI keep feeling like Im being undercut"and..."I cannot emphasise enough that my body\xc2\xa0Is a badly designed, poorly put together vessel,Harbouring these diminishing, so-called vital organsHope my heart goes first,\xc2\xa0I HOPE MY HEART GOES FIRST!"-We Are Beautiful, We Are DoomedI could go on and on, Los Campesinos! are brilliant and you should listen to them.More recently..."A spitting image of meExcept for a heart-shaped hole where the hope runs out"and..."Where are you hiding, my love?Cast off like a stoneFeelings, raw and exposed when Im out of controlPieces were stolen from meBut dare I say, given awayWatching the water give inAs I go down the drainI appear missing now"and..."Its only falling in love because you hit the ground"and..."With my toes on the edge its such a lovely viewI never loved anything till I met youIm over the edge now what can I do"-I Appear Missing by Queens of the Stone Age', 'Is the problem that you still want this girl back? Or is it just that you truly dont believe that there is anyone else who is worth it? With me, I had been with my girlfriend for four years and were friends for even longer. So I really feel like we are perfect for each other. But if you just think there is no one out there that you can trust, that isnt true. I went through plenty of girls that were shitty or just bad matches before meeting her. Some I talked to for mintues, some for weeks, but in the end like you said either they didnt want me or I didnt want them. I didnt meet anyone I loved until I was 24 and my girlfriend finally went out with me. So I know youve been trying for two years but trust me I had been trying for longer. But in the end it was worth every second of feeling bad, lonely, Depression, and like it was never going to happen. I think you should give yourself and life some more time. Put more effort into improving yourself as well, for me I found that thag effort could be what mames someone give you a second look that allows them to get to know who you really are.Oh and thanks for the advice on hannibal. I watched an episode of bates motel a while back and thought it was horrible so I got turned off to these movie sequel/prequel shows that seem to be happening now.', 'Haha and I cant quit smoking tobacco! I feel like we have a lot in common. I read in your reply to someone else a while ago that you are "just a teenage fat kid." Dude. You are a teenage fst kid that at least had a girlfriend! I was a teenage fat kid who girls who I thought at least liked me as a person who sat at my art table with me were calling "mucho gordo" and I didnt take spanish (I took italian) I had to find out later that gordo meant fat. I didnt have any serious relationship jntil my 20s. I was 280 pounds and finally said well fuck it I hate myself so might as well die better looking so I started walking a lot and lifting weights and what that did (in addition to making me healthier and more in shape - I lost 110 pounds) it also made me feel better about myself. So thats why I always suggest exercising to people who are Depression because now I use it when im Depression. Another bonus is when you are working out or bike riding or whatever and you are dying from exerting yourself - you cant think of how Depression you are. It is like physically impossible. But anyway my point with telling you all that about me is this: my life was shitty just like yours. And im Depression right now which is why I first came here. But I gave life a chance and had so much happiness for years with an amazing, beautiful woman that I wouldnt trade for anything. If I can do it I know that you can do it. You have a headstart on me even.', 'Well if it didnt matter to me I wouldnt ask. Really, whats been up?Ive been feeling progressivley worse everyday. Gonna see my gf this weekend and she says she wants to talk about stuff. Idk what its gonna be about, she says its nothing bad, but anything other than saying she wants to get back together would just be different levels of bad. Still exercising everyday, which at least blocks out thoughts while im doing it. Going to school and trying to focus on getting shit done for that is next to impossible but im keeping it up. I finally got to watch episode one of Hannibal it was really good!', 'I mean what were you thinking as you were dying? Did you regret it? Were you in great pain? Ive been thinking if I did it Id just drink and get in the bathtub and keep drinking until I blacked out and just slumped under the water and drown.', 'Hey man howre things goin?', 'How can I not blame myself? If she is unhappy then it must be because of me. When we talked an hour ago I asked why she didnt sit me down and tell me she was unhappy and that there were things wrong that we needed to work on. She said whenever she tried bringing up things I would just get mad and leave or I would tell her I dont want to see her again and ignore her for a while. Unfortunately this is true. I dont know what the fuck I was thinking but I never thought it would come to this and I wish I could go back and do it over. She does still say there isnt anyone else, but she got pissed immediately when I asked today. Im not sure what to make of that because of course it could be her being mad as a defense so I wont press the issue (she could also feel guilty about it or not want to tell me because of how it will make me feel), but it also could just be true and she is annoyed that I keep asking her that because I have done it quite a few times now, even though it wasnt angrily and accusatory just like tell me so th at I know what the situation is you know? So yeah I dont know if it is temporary or not yet. I realize that it Tired well may not be. In fact I wouldnt feel the way I do if I wasnt Tired aware and afraid of how untemporary it may be. She never has done anything like this before. Also when I asked her what she has been up to (just normal stuff) I asked if it had been hard for her and she said no. This is probably the worst part of the whole conversation for me. How could it not be hard? But when I talked to her yesterday she said it hasnt been easy for her either and she started crying. So Idk how much I learned from this except that I have been kind of an asshole. She also said I havent really shown her I love her for a while but honestly I used to all the time tell her how beautiful she is and show all kinds of affection and she said I needed to stop because it was too much so I did and now I dont act like I love her I guess. I told her that too. Anyway she had got up early today to garden bc its nice out and she worked all night so she was too Tired to talk for long and said she couldnt really think of all the reasons she had and shell call me tomorrow.Towards the end she told me to get some sleep and I just blurted out how I cant sleep, I havent slept hardly at all and I havent eaten anything since Monday. She got kinda mad and said not to put that on her. So I dont feel like I can even bring up how bad I really feel. So that really sucks. Thanks for commenting and Id really be interested to hear how our situations are similar. I hope yours is going better.', 'How do you know when and how youre going to die? What makes you say your life expectancy is short? I could get hit by a bus tomorrow and if I did Id be glad I made my life happy even for a brief while.', 'It depends. People who care about you will try to help you so you should tell someone like that who you are close to. ', 'Is there anything you can point to that lead to you feeling this way? Food not tasting good, everything seeming faded, not caring for pussy...all these things are symptoms of Depression. I know because I went through this starting a month ago and off and on now. I know what started it for me but what was it for you?', 'Why do you feel you dont have the power to make your life better?', 'I see what youre saying but it would be impossible to get a ring. I had been out of work for a little over a year and just got a job (not a great one either) and have been going to school. I was going to save up from every paycheck for one. The best I could do is ask my mom to let me have one but that wouldnt be a good one either because she definitely isnt parting with her engagement ring or anything. My best options are a picture or totally ringless. Not saying it isnt a good idea, just that I dont think I could execute it properly. I still might try it, but ill just have to try and read the situation. And the marriage issue isnt the only thing and I dont know how large of a percentage it played in the whole thing.', 'I know there are people in my life that will be Pain. But I feel like Id do more damage to my gf specifically by staying with her and being this fucked up and dragging her down.', 'My brain technically knows all of this and youre totally rigjt. But this time it doesnt seem to help. Thanks though. Glad to hear you made it through.', 'Why do you abhor yourself?', 'I really hope you dont mean that. You seem cool to me and I know that you have plenty of time to turn things around. All you have to do is set your mind to it. I know that when youre Depression it doesnt seem that way, TRUST me, I know. All you can do is hold on to hope and set your mind on your goals and work towards them. Even during your Depression, realize that if nothing is going right you might as well just spend some time every day doing SOMETHING positive towards your future. Even if you cant envision having a future there is nothing to lose in doing a little something tomake headway. The worst that can happen is you end up staying where you are. But the possibility, no matyer how slim it may be, that things could change, is worth it. ', 'Thatsexacty where im at. Do you know why she left? Improving yourself is the best way to get her back. Id rather die than not be with my girlfriend, but Id rather be with her than die (or do anything else). So what im doing is working on all of the legitimate issues she had with me and even some things she didnt have a problem with. ', 'Awesome to finally hear from you I was seriously starting to worry. What kind of problems?', 'You lose the luxury of killing yourself when you have a kid. Now stop thinking about that shit and start thinking about what fun stuff you are going to do with your son the first time you see him when you get out.', 'So whats wrong though? Why are you Depression? Is it just that all your friends are away? What field are you in?', 'This is not an excuse. My girlfriend has gone through some Tired trying times as well and they Asthenia me emotionally as well. In fact right now she is doing something that iss draining me, giving me Anxiety attacks, Depression, and more. Yet I would gladly go through all of these times because I love her and I would rather go through bad times and still have her than not have her under any circumstances. Having her love me and no one else would be more than enough. If you dont see a point to your life then make it about her. Instead of ruining her life by you dying, try making her happy. Start by improving yourself for her. Do positive things for her. Exercise, whether you are skinny or fat or whatever, is just a great way to deal with Depression. Jogging, bike riding, weight lifting, whatever. Dont resolve to kill yourself without at least exploring options like these.', 'There is no moving on for me. This is the girl that I love and want to spend my life with. She is perfect for me. I dont believe she is moving on, she cant be. She loves me and I have helped her so much in so many ways, as she has with me. She said this dude isnt as smart as me and doesnt have as good a oersonality. She hasnt done anything with him yet and I asked her to oromise not to do anything with him u til she makes her decision about getting back together. I honestly believe she will come back to me but just tonight is really rough and freaking me out.Im not someone who people would think of as Suicidal either. Im an atheist an have always said how suicide is insane and I would never do it because there is nothing after life and I would rather live than have nothing. Now I understand though since I see no future without my gf in it. I have been in a better mood lately since it has been seeming hopeful with my gf but tonight I am back to think and planning how I would die. For you though, it really would be a waste of potential to kill yourself. It really seems like things will get better for you - that this is just a temporary situation. Shitty yeah, but temporary.', 'I am in pretty much the same place as you are and I know how impossible it seems but all you can do is try. Even if all it means is a few seconds a day where you dont feel like everything is hopeless and you just want to end it all then that few seconds is better than nothing. And like I said it cant make things worse, there is nothing to lose.', 'What happened to your friend?', 'Whats up dude?', 'A new dog will never replace the one you had, but it offers a whole new world of experiences with what will come to be an animal you love and who loves you also.', 'Hello?', 'Well I think you should reconsider.', 'How did you do it? What was wrong? Any advice would be good.', 'You cant like it this way if you want to kill yourself.', 'There is absolutely no way your daughter would be better without you. In fact, killing yourself will exponentially increase the likelihood of her ending up feeling exactly like you do all the time and then killing herself as well. You may not care about yourself, but you care about her. What you should focus on instead of your suicide is instead planning your recovery. Get help at a hospital if that is what it takes. Having a mother who battled her demons in order to stay with her is somehing your daughter will appreciate and admire when she gets older.', 'Do you go to school? Thats a great place to meet people. Im assuming theres no one to reallh befriend at work or else you would have. Im kinda in the same boat with the loneliness. My gf of 4 years broke up with me abruptly a month ago. She said she was unhappy because I had changed. Long story short, we habe been talking and she is considering coming back to me. But today I saw her and she told me she has been hanging out with another guy for the last cohple weeks. Apparently he reminds her of how I used to be before I changed. Then I went to work and she stopped texting me. I assume because she was with him. I asked her to please call me before going to bed but by now its clear she didnt.Also all my friends have basicallh moved away as well. So im stuck here with only reddit to talk to as well.Edit: duh you said you arent in school my bad. Obviously yoh will be going in the near future though in order to be a vet though right?What brought you to this sub? Are you feeling Suicidal over this? It seems like you have a good future ahead of you. What has your relationship situation been like? Is that a problem?', 'Well you wont have a reason to kill yourself if you work on improving things about your life that you dont like. Youre like a decade younger than me it is so much easier to change when you are younger.', 'It is a shame but then again do you really want to date a religious nut? Being friendzoned sucks, but what you may not realize is that it also doesnt. First of all, being friendzoned even would have been an improvement for me in high school. But more importantly - what people dont realize is the friendzone is also the first step to a great relationship. Everyone wants their SO to be their best friend. This is what makes the best relationships. Literally everyone I know, including both of my older brothers who are Tired happily married, began as friends with their respective partners. In high school I think people dont realize this stuff because it is all about who is hot or who is cool or whatever other bullshit that doesnt matter after high school ends. But eventually most people realize that it isnt about that. I was in the friendzone with my gf while she was dating her asshole high school boyfriend still who treated her like shit. Eventually we became best friends. Then we stsrted liking each other. Than it became more than just liking. Then it began the best four years I could ever dreamed of having. And I fucked jt up. The key part is to not fuck it up.Im kinda at that fjck it stage too. I statted smoking again. I try to remain positive and during the day it is easier because jts easier to distract myself and I can work out and stuff. Bjt getting to bed at night is the worst, which im sure I dont need to tell you. As far as your knee is concerned, try to work around it. You could do push ups, leg lifts, cu rls probably. Bike riding doesnt really impact the knees and is more fun than running imo.', 'I didnt have sex until I was 24. Dont worry about it that much. I felt much the same way you did but trust me, it was worth every single day, Asthenia, month, year when I fi ally had sex with the most beautiful, amazing girl in the world who I got to spend the next four years with. ', 'Hey man whats been goin on?', 'I used to love reading for exactly the reason you said. Now that im dealing with Depression I cant read anymore and it sucks. I really, REALLY loved it, but its not distracting enough and my mind wanders to bad thoughts before I can get into the zone where the book is playing in my head like a movie.', 'My girlfriend also broke up with me just over a month ago. I know exactly how you feel. She said almost the same thing " I dont want to be with you anymore". It really, really sucks. I dont reallh have friends either because they all have moved away. If you find out anything that helps these feelings go away please let me know.', 'Why did they do that? Do you ever talk to her or see her?', 'Thats such a healthy, positive outlook. Congrats on getting past everything really. I hope if my girlfriend doesnt take me back I can do the same some day.', 'Well wtf. Is she really religious? Or she just has to respect her parents wishes because she lives with them? Do they know the bible says they arent supposed to judge people? Wow.', 'I know exactly how you feel. My gf left me almost two months ago after four years together. Everyday just feels empty. She is perfect and I have never loved anyone like her and doubt I will ever again. If I could offer any advice it is just to focus on improving yourself. I am working on getting I to perfect shape, co tinuing school, and getti g a better job. It is really hard most days because it just feels like without her there is no point...no possible future that iant filled with Depression a d emptiness. But there is nothing to be lost by tryi g and only possible upside (in my case hopi g this will bring her back to me).', 'What do you mean? You have as many days as you decide to have. Your future is entirely within yojr control.', 'I have thought about that. I dont know though it could backfire. She already accused me of only saying I was looking at engagement rings because she said not wanting marriage was a reason for her leaving. I dont have a ring yet either, just pictures I downloaded to my phone to ask my sisters advice on and maybe her sisters advice. Also Im not sure she will want to meet me she already ignores most of my texts after not talking for days because she said its too hard to do this if she keeps talking to me. What would I do, propose with an empty box like the douchey way they did it in knocked up? Idk about that. I have considered texting her a picture of the best ring with a "will you marry me" caption but that is even more pathetic. But its hard to think rationally at all now.', 'Shes alive someone found her passed out and got her to the hospital in time.', 'How did you make peace with losing your girlfriend?', 'Oh I see. Well I hope things get better for you.', 'Me too. Whats up?', 'There is no beginning in death. You die and then you are dead forever. Thats it. If you want a new beginning you need to work at creating it for yourself. Thats what ive been trying to say.', 'Dude im so happy for you! Thats exactly how I felt! It only gets better the more you continue too. Looking good is just an ancillary benefit really. Feeling better about myself and having more energy during the day and less trouble sleeping is what really made me want to continue.By the way I just watched the episode of Hannibal with the guy who makes people into angels. Wow I cant believe they can show that on tv. The show really is good.', 'I definitely think talking to your bf about this is the best idea. She said he loves her and wants her to be happy. If my gf were like this I would want her to talk to me about it so we could figure out whT to do about it together. Its no good sitti g around getting all upset about thinki g he will leave you without discussi g it with him.', 'Im sure you are aware of this but your boyfriend is a real piece of shit. Not just because he didnt care that you are Suicidal, but because having a kid is both of your responsibilities. This kid isnt coming because you did something, its because you bith did. If he was so against having one he should have been more responsible. I would never treat my girlfriend like this and I hope you find someone better or that he stops being so shitty.You say that you want to feel the love you give to people.doesnt your daughter love you? Im sure she does. Make her your reason to keep going.If you really feel like having another baby would be a burden that you cant deal with, Miscarriage and adoption are bith viable options. Give it lots of thought and find out which one is better for you.', 'I know exactly how you feel. My girlfriend broke up with me after 4 years. The day after our anniversary, without any warning, via text message. And then severed all communication with me for days. I recieved this text as I was browsing online researching engagement rings, anticipating proposing later in the year. So trust me, I know how you feel. I couldnt eat, I couldnt sleep, I started having Anxiety attacks where my heart would start pounding and I would involuntarily shake. She is my soul mate, the perfect person for me, the only woman I will ever truly love. After several days of this it got to the point where sometimes I would just be sitting in bed with a knife, running it over my wrist, wondering how bad it would Pain, how long it would take. I made plans to go to a cheap motel, drink, run a hot bath and end it. But I didnt and neither should you. My girlfriend said I dont make her happy and that ive changed. I decided it would be stupid of me to just kill myself without trying anything else. So I have become determined to be the best person I can be. Maybe I wont be able to get her back and if that is the case idk what will happen. But who knows. The main thing is to try. Our anniversary was about a month ago. My girlfriend has started talking to me and I have seen her a couple times briefly, but still doesnt want to get back together, although I am feeling more hopeful (most of the time) lately.Well thats my story maybe you can tell me yours.Also, your name implies you are a fan of horror movies and so am I. I have seen tons, as im sure you have, got any reccomendations? Ive been watching a lot of movies/tv lately to try and distract myself when im alone. Been thinking of trying that new show hannibal but idk if its good.', 'The Illness irony of the situation is at the beginning of our relationship I helped her through being Suicidal. She actually somewhat attempted it. She swallowed a bunch of Tylenol I think or something like that while locked in a room and I called a suicide hotline and they sent cops and she had to go to a psych hospital for about a Asthenia and I visited her everyday. She had to draw a picture in there and she drew something thatsymbolically represented me. I still have it and I spent time looking at it today.Now Im afraid to even tell her my thoughts Im having because I dont want to make her feel guilty and I know it wont make her not be unhappy with the relationship or anything so its pointless. Shes the one person who could help but shes leaving me.', 'I was in literally the exact same situation as you just 3 months ago.The way I dealt wjth it was by throwing myself into self-improvement, completely. Everything from working out everyday down to keeping shaved instead of letting weeks of stubble grow. I worked on everything, every little detail of myself that needed any improvement and I worked on my future. Most days it was a struggle to do anything but everyday pretty much I at least did something to help myself, even if the rest of the day I just layed in bed hating life. ', 'Really? Or are you being sarcastic? Honestly it worked for me. I am at the point now where chicks sometimes check me out after being fat and hating myself for so long it is a great self-esteem boost.What do you do? I ride my bike back and forth to work everyday and that burns a ton of calories and is fun. I also have two curl bars that I use. For ab/core work I found leg lifts are good because they dont Pain your back and neck like situps.', 'You have to be proactive in making change. I understand in Depression it can be worse than swimming up stream but it doesnt Pain to try.', 'She didnt give me all my stuff back. I had a package delivered to her house. Its just a Jimi Hendrix album. And I have a few hoodies there but I think thats about it. She does say that me not wanting to get married is a reason. I did say quite often that I think marriage is unneccesary and that I dont really Carr about it. But other times, when we were being seriousor intimate (not necessarily meaning just after sex or something) I admitted that I did want to marry her. I told her about how I was looking for engagement rings, but she said Im just saying that now because of what is happening. I dont know how she could think Im not committed we do everything together we tell each other everything and Ive never even thought about being with anyone else.', 'What makes you want to do this?', 'Yeah I see my girlfriend about once a Asthenia the last couple weeks and I talk to her everyday. Its better than not seeibg or talking to her at all, but I hate that we arent really together. Sometimes she still says I love you but sometimes she doesnt. You do t know why her parents said she cant see you?', 'Hey hows it going?', 'Yeah she does want kids soon. I want kids too but I have said that I think it would be best to wait until at least one of us is out of college. I mean Id love to be able to have a kid now but I think it would be better for the kid this way. And I guess she didnt really know that I wasnt really serious about never wanting to get married. I have told her I would because she wants to Ive told her I want to be together forever and Ive said that I want to marry her. But I guess the amount of times I sarcastically disparaged the idea of marriage greatly outnumbered those times.', 'No it isnt. Death is the ultimate ending.', 'Well thats fuckin shitty of her. Yeah I lost about 40 pounds during the two months my gf left me. The bright side is I feel better about myself and am more confident. I also started noticing chicks checkin me out which is nice. Getting in shape is a great way to boost your self-esteem and feel better about life in general I think. I highly recommend it. Dont just not eat, though. I wasnt eating a lot during the breakup and literally once fell over from lack of food basically. But yeah losi g weight is great. You wont be lonely for too long im sure. You just need a nice chick (with non-crazy parents) to watch scary movies with. Its the best thing in the world. My gf came back to me now and things are better than ever. I know things will turn around for you too all it takes is to stay on the right track. Stay positive and fight through all the negativity. It worked for me and I felt totally hopeless.', 'Hey so how are you in a similar boat? How did things work out for you? ', 'How man so how are you doing?', 'Yeah the picture thing isnt good I just have no ring to offer. Ill try to come up with the best ringless proposal possible but I still have to get her to see me too. Thanks for the advice.Edit: Im not going to try proposing I think that would be a wrong move.

Indicator

Thanks for that. Im in a similar situation to OP and have been really struggling with Suicidal thoughts. You have a gift for spreading hope through words, Im glad to have read this.', 'The person I talked to about it was my ex girlfriend. Long story but after I broke up with her in January, we were on and off for a little while, and I saw her the night before I left for a trip a couple weeks ago. My ex had changed her number, but knew what I was going through, and told me she would give me her new number when I got back if I agreed to get help. I had a lot of hope that things would work out between us, and I felt like breaking up with her was one of the biggest mistakes Id ever made. However when I was away, I emailed her, and could right away tell that something was wrong with her response. After I couple emails back and forth, her mostly just saying enjoy your vacation well talk when you get back, I confronted her and said I couldnt when something was so clearly up, and Id rather hear it then keep guessing what it could be. She told me she couldnt be anything but friends with me, and that seeing me before I went was a lapse in judgement that shouldnt have happened. I pretty much lost my shit, it was like my whole world collapsed in on itself. After a couple of emails back and forth, where I was in a really bad place, she promised me shed still see me to help me go see someone, and then after I kept trying to get her to talk to me, she said "Goodbye KindOfPly" and just stopped replying. She hasnt talked to me since, Ive emailed her a ridiculous number of times, when I got back this Asthenia I really wanted to just see her so I could hear it from her that it was over. I finally ended up calling her house and being told by her Mum that she didnt want to see or speak to me, and that I should be a man and stop contacting her. Pretty humiliating. I understand that seeing me makes it harder for her to move on and get on with her life, but at the same time Im completely heart broken, and I feel like shit knowing that my presence can fuck someones life up that much. I guess I cant really point to any one problem and say, "there, thats the one that makes me want to end my life," but the situation with her is certainly one of them. She was the only person who I ever really felt like cared if I was alive or not, the only person I ever felt comfortable talking to, in a lot of ways she understood me better than I do, and now shes gone because I fucked up. Shes gotten over our relationship, and shes doing so much better now than she ever was with me. One of the things that stopped me from doing it yesterday was knowing shed probably feel guilty about ignoring me, but now I couldnt really care less.', 'If your husband has a hard time opening up, I imagine it was hard for him to admit to how he felt. Most men internalize these thoughts, hes probably been beating himself up for a long time over feeling that way. In going forward with your relationship you may have to tell him that while you are Pain, you appreciate him telling you. That will make it easier for him to communicate with you and for both of you to reach an understanding and conclusion. Good luck and stay strong, for yourself, your husband and your son. Remember that you are loved and needed by many people. ', 'Are you on medication for your Depression or seeing anyone? Also, if youre at immediate risk please consider checking yourself in to a psych ward. ', '17 m here. I totally hear you and understand what youre going through. I know how hard it is not being able to talk to your parents about this stuff. What you have to understand is that Depression is an Illness and cutting is just a coping method. I know what its like to need to feel that pain. Please check out the r/stopselfharm subreddit. I care about you and I want you to know that your parents love you, even though they dont understand. Killing yourself would not solve as much suffering in your life as it would inflict upon those who love you. Please find a way to get help, go see your therapist or find a new one if the old one didnt help. And talk to us, tell us whats going on. Were here for you, and its so important to talk about this stuff. ', 'Her mum isnt a dick, just looking out for her daughter. Shes doing a lot better now, and seeing and talking to me would just bring her down I guess.I ended things with her because the relationship wasnt really going anywhere, were Tired different people in a lot of ways, and we were both "stuck". I had hoped ending things would help me get out of that and find the motivation to better myself, but it just sent me into a total downward spiral. The funny thing is that shes doing way better now, promotion at work, gone back to therapy and got re diagnosed, on new meds that actually help her a lot, going to the gym and eating healthy, spends more time with her friends and shes going on a road trip soon.Right now I have a mix of feelings. One the one hand, Im full of Feeling angry and hatred for what I feel like she did to me, getting my hopes up and then just shutting me out. But on the other hand I really cant blame her, I ended things and started seeing somebody else (best friend who broke up with me just before I left, then told me she loved me, then started sleeping with someone else, then started doing blow again and now wont talk to me at all) and Im just really sad that shes gone forever.If she showed up at my door right now, I have no idea what Id do. I really wish I would stand up for myself and tell her how I feel about what she did and how soul crushing it was. But I would most likely wouldnt be able to say anything at all. If she was there to apologize, it would probably turn into another long talk, where I would ask her why she did what she did. If she was there to get angry at me for repeatedly trying to contact her and calling her house, Id tell her that she could have stopped me from doing so if she had the courage to see me when I got back and told me what was up, instead of ignoring me and making me have to hear it from her Mum.Relationship with my parents isnt terrible but isnt great. Were not Tired close at all and I dont really tell them anything. I could never imagine trying to tell them that Im Depression and Suicidal. My Dad doesnt believe in any kind of mental Illness, Depression, ADHD, Anxiety disorders, etc. He just believes its all in your head and some people feel sorry for themselves. I find it impossible to talk to my mother about anything, because she either wont listen to a differing opinion, or will see everything as her fault. I know me killing myself would Pain them a lot, and they dont deserve that, but I honestly do not have it in me to confront them at all.', 'Depression is a disease like any other, it sounds like you really need help, please go and see a different doctor, or see if there is a local mental health centre nearby? Where do you live?Why did you quit taking your medication?

Ideation

I know I speak for most, if not all, the redditors here when I say; Tell me why you are feeling this way. We can do our best to help in any way. ', 'Im sad to hear someone else had to go through this pain. And glad at the same time to share it with someone else. I know its hard. And I truly dont want to be alone either. I dont want to be here missing the one person who was the only thing I had in the world. I dont know what else is left for me to care about. And that is what hurts the most, I just dont know what to do and dont care to do anything. Im sorry for your troubles my friend :(. I hope you find someone or maybe you find a way to is your troubles with the one you love. I wish I could save people from what I am going through.

Supportive

Ive been hospitalized 3 times. Each time it has been just expensive babysitting. Im not putting myself though it again.', 'freeway overpasses here have mega high up fences ', 'Im just so unbelievably Depression and nothing is helping and I dont know what to do. :(I called my therapist yesterday and he was not helpful at all and now I dont even think I want to go to my next appointment.edit: i just left a voicemail canceling. I dont know if Ill go back at all', 'I called a hotline last night. Have done it lots of time. Its awkward as hell.I dont have friendsI dont want to bother you with IM ', 'Im such a dork. My suicide note is just a postit with my PGP password ', 'I have some really extreme issues with Delusional disorder when it comes to privacy about my mental health. I think I have pretty good reasons for this because Ive been Pain really badly before. I cant go into why specifically, but it really limits my ability to talk to anyone because I cant trust anyone. Support groups are way out.', 'It dosnt have to go on though. I can kill myself instead', 'If I knew anyone who gave a shit do you think Id be posting about this on reddit?', 'I think Im okay for tonight. I cut a bit, but didnt OD on all the pills I have here. Super worn out going to sleep in a bit', 'Im not sure if your goal was to make yourself seem even crazier than me, but you seem to have succeeded.', 'I have a psychiatrist who I see for therapy.Ive seen more than 25 therapists in my lifetime.More therapist isnt going to help muchside note:Do you go to the arlington school? I know someone who used to go there ages ago.', 'other people are getting jobs so there must be something wrong with me which is causing me not to get them.', 'Sorry, Rather not say. Its one thats popular so I have a lot of job competition for a small number of entry level jobs. I will say though that I was not an English major and do actually have some concrete practical skills.', 'Didnt say being crazier than me was easy. ', 'been dealing with Depression as long as I can remember. Worked my butt off in school and the expensive of everything else. My school doesnt officially do class rank but as far as I can tell I am top of my class both in terms of in the field exp and gpa. Job situation is nonetheless bleak. I have no idea where I will be living next week. I poured all of my energy into building a good career foundation and it doesnt mean shit.', 'more apathy would probably just help me kill myself.

Attempt

Dont feel guilty. Better than doing nothing, get someone(his family or a friend) to show him that he is cared for. If you get a chance you could go personally and help him. For now keep him encouraged. Try to cheer him up and distract him from these thoughts.', 'I understand how you feel. I also get such thoughts. If you need a friend, Ill be there for you(you can PM me). Dont waste yourself. You are a blessing to this world.Your family will feel Tired sad. BTW, its better you try taking that anti-depressing medication. Please throw away the gun. ', 'True. Everyone has a guardian angel.

Supportive

there is no magical words to make Feeling unhappy go away there is nothing i can say that will change your situation there are only actions you can take. wich actions? thats up to you. we are here for you', 'no there should not be more cuts. you are not a piece of shit. we are human beings we have good and bad and all the other shades of grey in between you should improve yourself stop valuing yourself throug other people eyes and be the best you can be.', 'we are here for you.', 'it Pain me to not have the answer i mean thats what life is about right? finding the answer', 'try to get profeccional help thats the only way out of the Feeling unhappy i know of', 'are you still here?', 'i know from experience that there is

Indicator

>I dont know you or your situation but I invite you to consider whether your family would be sad, confused, angry, and devastated if you were to end your own lifeWhat family? My workaholic father that has no time for me, or my mother thats dying of Malignant neoplastic disease and Bed-ridden more days than not? OH or how about my siblings that were all adopted at or near birth so they never grew up with me so they have no attachment to me.I hate to be a negative nancy, and I know it sounds like Im shooting you down for trying to help... to be honest i appreciate the attempt.. but mentioning friends/family just reminds me how alone I really am.', '>Im terribly sorry youve gotten such horrible SW hotline connections. They should not be working at that job if theyre making comments like that.Well, in his defense, maybe he was trying reverse psychology?? By ordering me to do it, he expected me to say "NO FUCK YOU I DONT WANNA DIE!!" ... but no, I told him hes a fucking asshole and hung up on him.>You are needed. Even if right now it seems like you arent, they still love you and want you. They just dont see you that often- which doesnt indicate a lack of love or appreciation.Incorrect. I dont even know most of my family. Never met family on my dads side and the only people I interact with on my moms side is my mom.. and shes dying of Malignant neoplastic disease and will be gone soon anyway.>Maybe take some vacation time off soon and just move home for a week- be surrounded by those who love you.I thought about that, but the best I could do would be to see my dad.. and he works ALL THE TIME. Even when hes home, hes not really there because hes in his office, working his life away. His wife and stepson are there, but they dont really know me (they all met after I had long moved out of the house), so Id be in my dads house.. but not really "home" if that means anything.', 'He said Im not "bad enough" for FMLA because Im only entertaining Suicidal ideation, not sitting here, blade in hand about to actually do it.He doesnt want to change medications yet, but he thinks the problem is that I havent seen my therapist in several weeks so I havent had anybody to talk to so Ive just been bottling stuff in and THATS why I feel so much like crap right now.Maybe hes right. Maybe I should make an appointment with my therapist again, now that I have a regular work schedule.', 'appointment made. i finally have a goal -- survive the next week.', 'Sadly Im waaaaaay too ADD for meditation. Ive tried it so many times and I always either fall asleep, or catch a particularly distracting thought and chase it to see where it leads.I have found, however, that CREATING calms me. Ive been making a scrapbook, creating my first AMV, decorating my apartment. Somehow, just the act of creating seems to put the destroying tendencies at bay.', '>They wont be better off without you.They really are. My therapist and I have discussed it. Im toxic to people around me. I Pain them without meaning to, I drag them into my world. Letting them free to be happy, to not have to be around me, thats the best thing I can do, over and over. Ive finally given up both on dating and on trying to maintain any sort of a really close friendship. I just work, play video games, and focus on my schoolwork. It keeps my days fairly busy, if nothing else.', 'Ive only been using pot to sleep. Doctors got me on Deseril for sleep now.', '>I also visited therapists, got prescribed meds, all kinds of stuffThe thing is, it DID help until situational factors came crashing down on me. I lost my best friend (his wife thinks Im trying to steal him away from her -- im not -- but she still doesnt trust me) and the only people I could ever lean on for Emotional upset support at work (which is where the friend and I know each other) now sit on the other side of the building from me. I sit there listening to music in one ear and taking calls in the other. I dont even have a reason to sign into the corporate messenger program anymore -- theres nobody that wants/needs to talk to me... and all this is after just one day of being moved. I was fine with the breakups I was going through (yes, two of them. guh.), fine with the car problems and the not having the money to go visit my mom like I had planned (she lives in Europe, Im in the U.S.), even fine with the fact that my stats at work are shit and I may be fired soon and fine with the fact that I may lose my scholarships for next semester because I ended up saying "fuck it" and just stopped doing my homework assignments.... but.. well... then this other stuff came out of the woodwork and I, for lack of a better term, snapped. More and more and more just keeps piling on me.Its worse late at night. I cant play video games, watch tv, read, listen to music, nothing. I sit there for hours, just sobbing. Thats when it scares me the most.. when I can do nothing but think about all the things that have gone wrong, and couldnt find a way to distract myself if my life depended on it.. and I Fear that one night soon, it just might.Thus far, at least, Ive eventually managed to just end up Crying so much that my body gives up and I fall asleep. Last time I was this bad, that phase went away eventually and then I couldnt even sleep .. but then again I do have the Deseril now.. so .. well see..', 'Im meeting with my psychiatrist in 20mins to discuss changing medications, and the possibility of getting FMLA from work so I can be hospitalized without losing my job.

Behavior

Well, I dont know what else to say. I appreciate your attempt in this thread, I guess. The outcome was expected. ', 'Ive Googled and considered jelqing, but I just dont give a fuck. Suicide is so much easier.', 'Dont want help, just want to be dead', 'Well I dont want it. Speak for yourself.', 'Yes, the family shit, I get it. I already knew this.I dont care what Ill miss out on. I wont be alive to experience the missing. Nothing matters. ', 'Yep, eventually. Seems you given up on me, because Im right. The things listed are more than enough to warrant a suicide. Funny, some of the worst things arent even listed. ', 'It passes the time... by why exist just to pass the time? Ive had these feelings for 7 years so theyve just become normal. The reasons listed absolutely merit a suicide. And I dont want help because I dont want to be happy, I just want to be dead.', 'Theres far more negative in the world than positive. How can I be happy knowing there is so much Pain and suffering going on? Some people can, but I cant. Im not that selfish, which is the only reason Im still alive. I dont want to put my parents through that. So Im forced to live this existence that I was forced into. Fuck this. Theyll probably fuck up the ui even worse. (Borderlands is a great series though). But if I was only living to see Borderlands 3... thats pathetic and Id definitely rather be dead.', 'Ah, yes, the old suicide is a Injury of muscle solution to a temporary problem thing. Im looking for a Injury of muscle solution, suicide it is. No I have no one to talk to, and I dont want to.As I said in the original post, I dont want to change. Suicide is just so much easier. ', 'I dont give a fuck about video games or movies. I will never have amazing sex because my penis is TINY. Im not here for a reason and I have no purpose, just like every single person on this planet. ', 'Ive already replied to a similar comment in this thread. I dont give a fuck about any of that.', 'They are, especially combined. ESPECIALLY my tiny penis.', 'No hope if I kill myself? No shit, Id be dead. This is a decision Ive basically concluded. The real question is when. ', 'Nope, I posted this thread to prove no one could give me reasons, because there are none. So far so good. Ill dispute any reason given. ', 'I suppose its not the ONLY thing... Theres more to life than sex, big its a big part, and I dont have a big part. Just combined with everything else on the list. Im short, so when Im next to other taller dudes I just feel like a pussy child. If you think Im trolling feel free to stop posting. ', 'Because I can never end all Pain, helping some just isnt enough for me. And this is only one reason... not even the most important reason for me wanting to kill myself.', 'When Im dead it really wont matter what my parents feel, but Im alive right now and I know if I kill myself they will be destroyed, and I dont want them to be destroyed. I dont want to end my life because Im bored, but because Im boring. I dont want to have fun. I want to sit at home and do nothing. Happiness makes me sick. I want to kill myself because of all the Pain and suffering around the world that I cant do anything about. There will always be Pain and suffering and I cant take that. So Im trapped. If I kill myself I bring Pain and suffering to my family. If I dont kill myself I sit idly by while Pain and suffering is happening everywhere in the world. Im trapped in this miserable, forced existence. ', 'Im aware I could give pro oral, but if I cant make my woman orgasm with my penis, I dont want to live.', 'Ive smoked weed almost everyday for 4 years. Ive never considered myself a heavy user because though I smoke about everyday, I dont smoke a lot (maybe a bowl or 2). Recently since the Depression has gotten worse Ive been smoking less. Cashews are good. ', 'I do feel alive, thats the problem.', 'barley 3 inches long. about 3.5 inches girth. I dont want a giant porn star dick (okay that would be nice, I suppose), but I just want to be average.', 'I would like to have a wife, but that cant happen because:My dick is really tinyI could never constrain a woman down to me knowing my penis is tiny and it will never satisfy herIm not willing to put in the workUltimately nothing matters so fuck itSuicide is easy

Behavior

Youve nowhere to go? Absolutely nowhere? No friend, relative, shelter, hotel?I find that extremely hard to believe. Maybe you just need to ask. An why will you be jobless?', 'I also checked out some of your other submissions, they were funny and thought provoking. So if nothing else--and there will be something else--reddit will be missing you.', 'if you havent lived there long, is there any chance of getting back home? and why will you be jobless?', 'Even so, the only way to go now is up. Plenty of people have been in far worse situations than you. Dont make a decision you cant take back in your darkest hour. In a few years, or months even, you could be looking back at this and thanking your lucky stars you didnt do it. There are people who care about you. Even if there werent, you can make people care about you. ', 'You have plenty of time to find someone wh loves you.How many people go their whole life without finding a suitable partner?There are 6 billion+ people in the world. some of them will reach out to you, some are shy and need you to move first.Life can be good. Theres too much to miss by comitting suicide. the world will always be missing that something--whatever it is--that you could have provided. And that person that you are meant for will never find you.', 'We cant be sure about whats on the "other side," but we can clearly see and feel the incredible things in life. Think of all the good books you will never be able to read, the artwork yet to be created. Maybe theres a song out there to change your view of the world. When you think about it, the fact that you exist is really an accident. Take advantage of it.Everyone finds a place in life where they belong, or at least dont stick out too much. You have no idea how radically different some places are. Remember that every dream is in the realm of possibility, or we would still be killing wild animals with sticks and stones. There is someone out there right for you, its statistically impossible not to be. >I know that killing myself wont help, but I still want to.Please, please use logic. Logic is one of the greatest gifts we have available. If you know suicide wont help, and I know that other things willl, dont do it.>Nobody understands the crippling sense of completely point blank worthlessness.Thats a simple, sad fact of life. Every person has a mystery inside them, a darkness that can never be unlocked. A big part of life is overcoming this: *that* is what allows us to feel pleasure. As Ralph Waldo Emerson said: "All great people are misunderstood."And remember that while the earth is slowly comitting suicide, we can help prevent it, or slow it down. The fact is that the human race can survive and progress for thousands of years after each of us dies, but we **all** have to contribute to make it this way. Be the change you want to see in the world.Please, dont kill yourself.', 'If you have friends and family, you shouldnt ever be homeless. Just because its bad now doesnt mean it wont get better.', 'You sound like a modern-day transcendentalist. Simplicity, simplicity. Also, this is great advice to everyone on here: Adventure over suicide.', 'Ill share a personal fact with you. I am an upper-middle class high schooler from the midwest of the U.S. I get everything I need, and some things that I just want. I am healthy, happy, and mentally competent.However, my 20 year old brother has a different story.His mother was a prostitute, and he suffered developmental problems in the womb. He was abused severely after he was born.My parents adopted him at the age of 1 and 1/2. Years later it became apparent how abnormal he was. Its nearly impossible for him to make friends, hes selfish, and just basically an outcast in life. He has severe frontal lobe damage, affecting his control of impulse, and hes been diagnosed with ADHD and bipolar disorder.And yet, hes one of the happiest kids I know. He messes up a lot, true. But he can always bounce back. Hes made one or two good friends, and he has parents that tolerate and even love him.He matures slowly, but I have hope for him.Do you live with your parents? If you do, try reaching out to them. If you dont have that type of relationship, turn to your friends. If thats also a flop...books are what I would suggest. Just stick it out until you can get your own place. Then get a dog. Theres nothing better to prove that love is real, or make you feel that you belong, than a dog.Our lives are short enough as they are. We should, if anything, try to extend them, to experience as much as we can.

Indicator

There are so many alternative treatments you could try. Doctors are not Gods. People recover from "terminal" cancers all the time. There have been cases where people with terminal Malignant neoplastic disease caught a virus and ran a high temp and it killed their Malignant neoplastic disease. Do a google search on GLP. Go there and search on Malignant neoplastic disease and start reading the threads. Try the alternative treatments.

Supportive

I dunno. Im bad at this stuff. I suppose I think that living is interesting. Im curious to see how everything turns out, and Im not content to just be a spectator watching from the sidelines. I will certainly die some day, some how, but thats not something I really care about. I remember many years ago reading an obituary in a news paper about some random guys life. I dont know anything about this guy, but I did read about his life adventures. He joined some revolutionary war somewhere near Spain and fought in it. Think about that from his perspective. You dont know how that fight is going to end up, but you have such strong convictions one way or another that youll stand up and fight for them, whatever they are. He felt so strongly! And he boldly went into the mysterious unknown to fight in a war, against the government, in which he could Tired well lose and die in. One night, he also finds himself on a ship which is sinking into the ocean. This ship is no less than two miles from shore and there are no life rafts, so this guy *jumps into the black water and swims two miles to shore*. What an adventure!!! I wonder if I could even do that? How did he avoid hypothermia and exhaustion? I can only imagine what must have gone through his head at the time. I can barely remember any other details, but this guy lived such a rich life that Id be happy to live even 10% of his rich and colored adventures. I felt super inspired by him and decided to try my best at it. Living a good life isnt about dying well at the end, its about trying to find the most amazing adventures you can possibly have. Death is a bit irrelevant, actually (and probably boring). Nobody can change that inevitability, but everyone can control all the parts that happen before death. So, Ive made it a habit of mine to look for ways to make the day interesting -- to only me! Yes, its a bit selfish. So what? I dont care about what interests other people, or what other people say should interest me. Im going to be a stubborn bastard and tell those preconceptions and prejudices to just fuck off, Im doing my own thing and Im gonna be happy with it, even if its something as dumb/fascinating as watching how crabs manage to cling onto rocks when huge waves crash on them, and then frantically scrabble around collecting food bits between waves... its a desperate struggle for survival happening every 10 seconds... and then I watch that for an hour. Let people judge me. So what do I care? I do have some personal preferences on how I like to live my life which other people find irritating because its not similar to their expectations of living well -- like I always tell people exactly the truth, no varnish and flowery words to dress it up into something its not. "Heres the truth, if you cant handle it, its not my problem." I have a finite amount of life time in my life and I have zero interest in filling it with people I have no interest in associating with. That may include close family members, and its unfortunate, but so be it. I spend 95% of my day by myself, writing code and doing math for a personal passion project. Im happy with that, and there are so many fascinating things to discover in that process. Like for instance, last Asthenia I decided I would try to simulate clouds for the first time and try to draw them as they appear in reality. Its surprisingly hard! How do they form into those cloud shapes?! And did you know that clouds self-shadow themselves?! And how when the sun is near or below the horizon, how the underside of the clouds gets illuminated by orange sunlight? I had seen hundreds of sunsets before and they all looked the same to me, but once I had started trying to make my own sunsets in a computer program, I gained a new-found perspective on just how amazingly beautifully a real life sunset looks (theres a ton of research papers and mathematics which tries to perfectly simulate it, and thats all super fascinating as well since they all get close and really good results). Then the scientist part of me starts to ask interesting questions... what if I can perfectly simulate a real life sunset on Earth, and then I tweak a bunch of variables, such as the type of air molecules and density (which drives diffraction and absorption of light), what would THAT sunset look like? What would clouds look like with different atmospheric conditions? What if I add another sun to create a binary star system?! Or multiple moons in different phases with various illumination intensities?! Or maybe put a ring around the planet? Oh god, what kind of amazing art can I create with all of this?! What would a sunset look like on Mars? (also, did you know that the sun turns blue on mars during the sunset?!)There is just way way way way too much fascinating, interesting stuff to learn about and study. I wish I had more life time, even though Im still a bit young in life. I hope that you can wake up tomorrow morning with a bit more energy and a spark of passion to look for things that amaze and awe you too, whatever they may be... It just occurred to me that you may *sincerely believe* you dont have any passions or interests, and you may say that with strong insistence, but the truth is that its a logical fallacy which plays on your ignorance of all the things you havent explored, tried or even thought of yet. How can you know all of what youll like and not like if you dont know everything thats out there or will be out there in the future? Happiness is one of those really weird things which doesnt follow a formula. Nobody can say, "Do XYZ, then youll be happy!". Thats not how it works. Happiness is one of those things which is never acquired when you try to intentionally acquire it, but it comes in the back door like a stealthy ninja when youre focused on doing something else. And suddenly, without realizing it, you have it. And if you look for it, it goes away like a dream in the morning.

Ideation