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KAIST-IC-LAB721

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An elementary comprehension

Most days, I’m aluminum. Unique but compliant. I try to be tungsten, with my zinc outer coating. Iron insides With smatterings of diamond. But I’m weak and frail, like shale. Carboniferous Inherently And oxygen is an asshole Just saying

depression

my mom just gave up on me

Since I was young, my mom was the only person who took care of me because my dad left when I was a baby. However, during the summer before freshman year, my parents agreed to move in together and share an apartment so that I could have both of my parents. My dad made a clear that he changed for the better and he wasn't gonna be a deadbeat anymore. This arrangement only lasted for about a year and a half, however, because my dad recently moved out two weeks ago. My dad leaving again hurt a lot because I felt like I didn't build enough of a relationship with him. I never really got to the point where I could tell him personal stuff, especially how I feel about him and his decision to leave again. It's just been adding on stress and anxiety. Yesterday, the straw that broke the camels back erupted at school, and I ended up in a violent altercation with another student. I pushed him into the wall, and his head started to bleed. A lot. I immediately went to apologize, and he said there was no hard feelings. I was suspended for five days, and my mom was furious after she found out. Over the last two days, she's been repeatedly telling me that she's given up on me and my dreams. She says the only place I'll ever end up is prison, and I'll never be shit. So now she's giving me to my dad because she just can't handle me anymore and all I do is make her suffer.

depression

I am not ok

I just felt like jumping from a high rise building, I almost went near the edge but I don't know what made me back out. I have been on anti depressants since 2 years and was coping well. But since my mom passed away last month at the age of 50 I am not who I am. I am just not finding any meaning in life. Right now I am feeling numb and my heart is pounding. It feels terrible.

depression

Why do I question my sexuality if I'm never going to have sex?

I mean I'm going to live in my parents basement until I die so what does it matter if I'm gay or straight. Not like I'll actually do anything about it.

suicidal

Feels like a weight's sinking me down.

No matter how much I struggle, I always end up feeling awful and get off track from pursuing my goals. I want to study physics, but in my country there's literally only one decent uni where I can study physics and have a chance of going abroad for masters and a phd. I'm kinda confident in my intelligence so I think I have a good chance of getting in, but not like this. Thinking feels tiring for me, so I tend to spend most of my life in a dissociative fugue state, if that makes sense? I feel anxiety when I force myself to think analytically. I also feel like I can't ask for help from anyone around me. I'm mostly a stoic person who's infamous for showing no outward emotion, so people mostly get amused when I'm upset, which enrages me. Sorry if this makes no sense, English is a secondary language for me and I have trouble expressing myself with words.

suicidal

Was feeling depressed but managed my dumbass up and workout

Title says it all, i did a full upper body workout to cope with the thoughts in my head. Blasting twenty one pilots 🤘 Today was a pretty shit day, i had bad hair the entire day which was shit. And i got home and the voices returned and kept telling me i was piece of shit. Ive got one question, how do you learn to love yourself?

depression

fuck everything

why should i continue suffering? because it will get better? fuck this. that is not necessarily true. it can get worse. and it has been getting worse for years now. so just fuck it. i am just going to end it. nothing matters in the end.

suicidal

Feeling suicidal after reading a pedophilic romance manga

Hi all, I'm 22 years old and are working as software engineer.. On the last 3 days, I just got emotionally triggerred just by reading a manga that potrays loneliness and pedophilic romantic relationships.. I know it sounds so exaggereative and/or trashy, but I didnt expect that manga would push my buttons deep inside, so hard that I would just weep uncontrollably and are having suicidal thoughts due to the tragic content of the manga.. Was I emotionally triggered because of it resonates deep within my subconscious? Or is it just because I long such relationship potrayed in it as a pedophile? Or both? The last 3 days I wasnt able to function properly at work.. Any idea to shake it off my head?

depression

My cake day. Today marks 1 year since I left an abusive relationship.

1 year ago, I left for good. I was a reddit lurker for a while but never made an account. The day I left, I felt so free, yet I was the loneliest I’ve ever felt . I was completely lost and confused. I made a reddit account this day a year ago and found comfort in this platform. I am not the same person I was a year ago and it has been so hard piecing myself together. I’ve learned many things along the way. I am still growing and working on myself. I still have a long way to go but I feel way better than I did a year ago. Happy cake day.

depression

Wow, this is my life

I get some traction every so little to give me a false sense of hope and it comes crashing down. I feel like a pussy for not just ending it right now. Fuck this negative shit. I just want to have a life of fucking happiness but NO! I get to have depression for six years and hope to some god it gets better.

depression

I can’t handle my thoughts anymore.

I was brutally raped for 2 months. By my best friends boyfriend. My best friend died of cancer. A month later her boyfriend messaged me saying he just needed a friend. I went over that night to his place. I regret ever doing that. He drugged and raped me. The next morning he threatened me. Told me if I didn’t keep giving him what he wanted he would kill me and himself. I was terrified. For 2 months every day I let him abuse and rape me. Out of fear. I eventually started to get myself so drunk I’d just pass out. I’d wake up bloody and bruised. He’d wake up ready to do it all over again. I’m now so fucked in the head from this experience I find myself missing him. I hate these thoughts. They never go away. I don’t want to think this way anymore. I’ve tried everything. Nothing works. I want to die so I can never feel this way again. It’s been years of feeling this way. The void is calling my name.

suicidal

I'm having some major nostalgia for high school.

I was bullied through out my school years, especially in high school. At the time I thought it was the darkest part of my life. I'm in my early 30s and now that I consider those times "the good ol' days" it really goes to show how low I've sank.

depression

Just need to vent.

My depression has been at its worst recently and I’ve been trying desperately to find a therapist. The people I usually go through have told me it’s a 9 month waiting list and I honestly don’t think I’ll be able to wait that long so they suggested someone else. I checked their website and applied for therapy and managed to book an assessment appointment for next month. I slept easier last night at the thought that I’d be getting help soon only to wake up this morning to a notification on my phone saying they had cancelled my appointment as they no longer help people in my area. I’m just so sick of trying to help myself. I know it’s not their fault for not being able to help me, but just that brief feeling of hope meant so much to me. They shouldn’t allow people to apply if they aren’t going to be able to help or at least have a warning up. Everywhere I’ve looked so far has said to either wait, go to A&E or call 111 IF it’s an emergency. What classifies as an emergency? Because I’m almost certain I wouldn’t be considered one and I don’t want to waste their time considering the NHS is already stretched thin. I’d pay for a therapist if I had the means but I can barely afford to feed myself right now. I just don’t know what to do from here but I don’t want to give up.

depression

Having to prepare myself to hang out with some friends.

Going bowling with some friends from school this weekend, and I’m looking forward to it but also scared of ruining the night. I wanna be myself, but at the same time, I don’t wanna come off as depressing to everyone, I have to put on a happy face, and act like everything is okay. And it really sucks you know? I wish I could be vocal about my life and not be given blank looks from everyone and turn the mood sour with my negativity. Any tips on how maybe I can have a good time. I’ve considered just taking some Adderall and that’ll solve my problems but idk.

depression

My story - from happy to suicidal

This all come downs to my boyfriend leaving me, in december 2019. Ive had a hard life, with a mother who was a drug addict when i was young, and a father who left when i was two. I have spent my whole childhood with my mother who became an alcoholic and have been, from when i was 8 years old, to today. Im 21. I have had all sorts of bad father figures in my life, cause my mom didnt chose the best men. Theyre all dead now. I met my bf in december 2014 (when i was 16), and he left me last december. The 5 years with him, was the best years in my life. He was my bestfriend, and my only friend. I have never been so happy. We had a dog together, which i now had to sell, cause i couldnt afford him alone. I feel like i have lost my whole world, and i now have nothing. Im very suicidal, and has been for 3 months. Ive written my notes to my family, now i just need to find the courage to do it. The memories of my ex haunts me every day. It was the best time of my life. We did everything together. He really was my ride or die. He left because he didnt have feelings for me anymore. Came out of no where. Ive told my therapist about my thoughts, but she doesent seem to take me very serious. I just wish i could stop existing. I dont want to live anymore, and everyday is a struggle. Im devasted about the fact that im gonna put my family through this, but the pain is to hudge. I dont want to be here anymore, and someday im gonna have the courage to end it. I hope so.

suicidal

I have mixed feelings about suicide

Well I think about doing it but I can't even commit to doing just because of the pressure of being the only male to carry the family name

suicidal

Is it bad that I hate being around my family

I hate being around my family I get uneasy and start to get irritated. Both my dad and mom were alcoholics and physically and emotionally abusive in the past. Now I don’t even talk to them and when I do it’s in a robotic tone. I don’t hate my parents and I do sometimes feel bad for not being close to them but I can’t ignore how I feel. I don’t enjoy their company but I want the best for them. And before you judge me and call me a selfish son I wanna let you know that I’ve been beat with wires and fist my feet hands and mouth were once taped while I was beat. The abuse stopped when I started fighting back. They are also very controlling my mom is always on my back always hovering over me and I’m kinda annoyed by her she treats me like a little boy and like I can’t do nothing for myself. They limit me and I don’t wanna be around them.

depression

Why bother

Another day of nobody at home understanding the underlying reasons I do things . Why I sleep so much, why I'm in my room all the time, why I eat so much. I sleep so I don't have to deal with things. I'm in my room so I don't bother people. I eat so much because food is the one of the few things that make me happy anymore. I put on the facade for everyone that I'm this optimistic, happy go lucky person, but if people really knew. And God forbid I tell my mom I have depression. She'd yell and tell me I don't. I know somethings wrong. I have something, depression, BPD, ADHD, something! But I'm too poor to be diagnosed and too scared to ever confide in family, to only be told I'm saying this because I want attention. And every day I have to pretend I'm ok.

depression

Days Like Today are the Days I wonder what the point is to carry on... :,(

I didn't sleep for shit again last night. Since I started taking Cymbalta, I have been having insomnia, even when I take melatonin. I miss sleep so much. Restful sleep... and my sex drive... thats just fucking gone. Work sucked so much today. One of the managers has an axe to grind with me it seems like and questioned what I was doing. I have been working for this company for almost four years and I know what I am doing. Then when I answered him he went and followed up with the other person to make sure I was telling the truth. I have never been dishonest with anyone at work so that really pissed me off and hurt my feelings. I am so tired of not being trusted. I once got accused of stealing $5k at a credit union I worked at long ago. I was never charged because I didn't do it and they couldn't prove it. I didn't do it and I don't know if they ever found out who did but it caused me a lot of hurt and grief. It is one of the worst feelings having everyone think you are something, like a theif, when you are far from it. I am still trying to lose that 50 pounds I gained from that bout of depression. I think my managers bullshit today stirred that shit up. I am simply exisiting today. I hurt everywhere. I dont feel like there really is any point to life anymore. I havent been happy for a long time. Ive tried medication. Ive been staying active om top of my already incredibly phyiscal job (i work in a warehouse). I dont have many friends anymore... my family is super negative.... im very much just going through the motions and i ak so tired of it. I dont know how to be happy anymore. :,(

depression

I feel like I can’t live without her.

we dated for a year. i broke up with her because we were arguing all the time and she was always getting mad at me. alas, i could’ve been better about not making her mad but anyways, it happened. she tried to reach out the first two weeks after it happened but i felt that we needed time to mature if we wanted to get back together. i still loved her and wanted to be with her, but i felt we needed time. about a month later, i got back in contact and she had started to try to move on. had done stuff with another guy. i fought. and fought. and fought. and fought. things started to pick up. we were hanging out again. it felt like we were back together. i kept fighting. kept fighting. kept fighting. kept fighting. till about 3 months later when she said she didn’t feel the same anymore. and she’d done stuff with 3 other guys. granted, she’s single and she can do what she wants. i just wish she would’ve told me sooner. she said she’ll always have some sort of feelings for me and that i was the first person she loved. all of this to say, i still am so in love with her and want to spend the rest of my life with her. i really do. i don’t want to live without her. for the first time since i was bullied in middle school (i’m in college now), i’m having genuine suicidal thoughts again. i don’t want to live without her. i can’t stand the thought of not being with her. and her being with someone else. i want that to be me. i want her to love me again and see that i can be the man she wants and needs. i don’t know what to do with myself. i’ve hardly been eating these past few days and just genuinely haven’t been hungry. if i don’t work during the week (i work a part time job landscaping and we work if the weather permits, lately it has not) i just lay in bed and sulk and sleep. that’s all. i don’t know what to do with myself and i don’t want to live without her. she’s moved on and likes someone else now and they spend time together. and i can’t take it. i don’t know what to do.

suicidal

I can’t be happy

Everyday I feel better I feel the pain flood back into my heart. I’m stuck in a terrible spot, I hate my family and now that they know I have depression (friend forced me to tell a teacher) they treat me like I’m weak. I hate it, I know I suck but I’m strong enough to not take my life yet so just stop talking to me, please. I’m in love with my best friend and that could not be going worse and I want to cut my wrists, slit my throat and just bleed out soon. I would throw myself off a building but I want to do it soon. I just I can’t take it. Every moment I’m not good enough for him and someone else is in his arms I want to do it more. I hate myself more everyday.

suicidal

Reckon it’s time soon

I bought SN, theres no help for people like me any more. Wondering where to take it, suppose someone will have to find my body but I don’t want to traumatise anyone.

suicidal

I'm back and worse than ever

I posted before on here about how I'm depressed, a worthless piece of shit and how I tried to hang myself. The driving urge to kill myself faded into a dull ache for a few days and now I'm even more depressed. They say you'll regret suicide but I wish I had the guts to do it sooner. If you could get guns in the UK I'd be gone already ​ Downvoted already. I know noone cares about me but jesus christ

suicidal

Probably gonna do it sometime this month.

Depends on how much my friends and/or family hate me when I tell them I won't be here for much longer. If they try to convince me not to it'll probably be delayed for a while until they calm down, but I feel like it's inevitable. I can't see myself making it to 2021. We'll see how it goes I guess.

suicidal

On the surface, I have a great life.

Married to a great guy, two great kids, a job that pays well in the field I went to school for, cuddly cats and dogs. But I’m bipolar II, major depression issues, anxiety ridden. It’s all so much. Inside is empty. I don’t want to have sex with my wonderful husband (or anyone). I don’t want to go out. I drag myself in late to work every day. I’ve been skipping showers because it’s such a hassle. I’m on meds, trileptal, sertraline, lorazepam. I haven’t been to my therapist in a while because I don’t really want to talk about it. I think about flipping my car on the highway a lot. I want to switch careers but I’m scared. I want to have a libido again. I want to be the mother my girls deserve. I want to return the loyalty of my staff with enthusiasm and energy. Everything is just...off.

suicidal

I keep thinking about This too much

Idk if you guys can understand this. I just keep thinking about how long i have left in life and I am already exhausted I'm only 24 and I'm tired of living , i don't have a big problem but i keep overthinking how exhausting living is and how many years i have to live i for some reason don't accept living, I'm sure it's just thoughts that comes out of bordem but I want to know if you can relate.

depression

I want to hurt myself

emptypost

suicidal

Slitting wrist doesn't work; this is a rant. advice on what's good about living?

I tried it last week, it didn't work AT ALL. Media is a scam. I think for it to work it's gotta be super deep and you gotta bleed for a long while before anything starts to happen. ... My ideal has always been carbon monoxide, but idk how to make that work. Isn't it dangerous (lol) if the house catches on fire if I'm just burning firewood or something in a bucket in a carpeted room? (recommendations?) But in the process of thinking I was going to die, I did not regret anything at all and even felt peaceful for the first time in a long while. I think it's a good choice for me personally so I need to figure out the CO plan. However, I cut my wrist on a whim and know rationally that I am young and have family and people who I know will be disappointed/devasted if I take my life, so I need to wait until I'm older so that, to put it morbidly, at least my immediate family dies of natural causes first. But it's still very saddening to live, especially knowing death comes so easily (despite my strong survival instincts). ***What do you like about living?*** I'm looking for little things such as "some beds are very comfortable," because "things will get better" is the stupidest BS I never want to hear again. Therapy/social workers are also just normal people anyways so don't tell me there's help either. Or share a funny joke. I once called crisis line for a funny joke the lady was like "wat? wat? do you want to tell me ur problems?" Hell no. If I talk about my problems I'll just be reminded of them again and get even sadder than I originally needed to me. It makes the problems seem worse than they are.

suicidal

I was in relationship years ago with someone who dealt with depression, and I just found out my current SO started self harming, not sure how far back it goes.

I’m trying to understand what’s going on with my current SO, I don’t fully understand depression nor do I understand self harm. I spent 4 years with my ex who was severely depressed and had suicidal tendencies at his worst points. I tried so hard to be there for him but I eventually gave up when he forced me to leave him because he knew I would be better off without him. Now I’m with my current boyfriend, who has been amazing and my rock, but he just revealed that his cuts are actually his own doing. I’ve only seen it twice. He’s a normal happy guy with some family troubles, sometimes financial but he handles things rather well and optimistically. It’s hard to gauge him at times because he’s generally a happy guy but he breaks down easily when things start to pile on, understandably so. He is nowhere near how I would describe someone who is depressed, but now I’m not so sure because of the SH. Can someone help me understand what he might be going through? Should I be worrying for his life? I’m heartbroken because I hate seeing this pain he’s going through. I thought it was something I wouldn’t have to go through again, it was hard going through it in the past. I feel selfish for feeling like this, I feel almost upset that this is happening. Not at him, but at the situation. I don’t know how to go about this at all, I’m just trying to see how I could help him.

depression

My life feels like someone forgot to turn the “bad things for character development” switch off and I’m just suffering every day for the past year

Literally everything is falling apart. I don’t know how much more I can take, or want to. I understand that pain makes you stronger but at this point I’m just numb, and I’m not learning from these setbacks. I feel like all the effort I put to try and make my life something worth living is just not yielding anything while everyone else is just getting ahead. I don’t know how to get motivated or even get up anymore.

depression

I'm on edge

I don't know if anyone will see this, but today feels different. I think I'm leaving soon

depression

The only person who can make me better is myself and I can’t do that

TLDR: only I can make myself happy again and I know for a fact I’ll never do that, I’m hopeless ——— I’m only making myself feel worse because I have so many things to do and I’m not doing any of them because I’m lazy and want to lie in bed all day. Then the stress of it all just builds up and the stress paralyzes me into inaction even more and then more stress piles up and so on I’m digging myself a hole, I’m making myself worse off and ruining my own life And at the end of the day it’s up to me to fix myself. It’s up to me to get things done and to get my life in order, to make myself happy again But I know for a fact I can’t do that. I’m too lazy, too tired, can’t focus on anything or anyone other than myself. I’m pathetic I’ll never be able to find the will to fix myself so why am I even still here? Just to stay miserable until I inevitably kill myself down the road because I’m incapable of helping myself Nothing will ever be able to fix me. It’s all up to me. It’s up to me and that’s scary because I’ll never be able to help myself. I can’t, I know for a fact I can’t and I won’t I’m wasting so many peoples time by reaching out because I don’t believe a single kind word they say and don’t follow any of their advice because I’m too lazy to try It was over for me before it even started

suicidal

My wrist is calling me again

I can't deal with this today fuck

depression

This is unfair

(I'm not a native english speaker, sorry for all the grammatical errors) I feel like I'm a fucking idiot and that the only reason I succeeded at school was because I was working hard, until now. I'm in my first year of college and the second semester started about a month ago but I feel like everything is falling appart. Two teachers barked at me while strongly implying that I was fucking dumb, I studied for several hours for a test and I ended up failing miserably while most of the class (who didn't study at all) found the test super easy. The worse thing is that the place I'm studying at wasn't even the one my high school teachers recommended me to go, thinking it was "too easy" for me, but I went to study here anyway because I felt like I wouldn't psychologically handle the option my high school teachers were recommending me to go to (in fact the day before my math finals in hs I was paralyzed on my bed for more than 30min and couldn't stop cyring thinking I wouldn't pass it despite the days I spent studying it). So currently I feel like that I'm just a dumb idiot and that everyone else is simply smarter than me, and the sole reason as to why I succeeded until now was because I cared about my grades but many didn't. I don't know what to do, I don't even know if I even deserve to post something here, I find myself ridiculous and I'm starting to skip meals.

depression

really feeling like i can’t do this anymore

told my mum this morning that i can’t do this anymore when she saw me in hysterical tears before school. i explained that i’m not getting the help i need and i have suicidal thoughts all the time. she said she knows i’ve been through so much shit but i’m doing so well and i’m entitled to feel sad & like i need a break. i’m not coping. it’s like everything is going too fast for me and i need time. i’ve been mentally ill most of my life and i’ve only been here a little less than 15 years. i’ve only had one depression break from school once before and that was because i took sleeping pills the night before and couldn’t wake up. my mum just thought i was super tired so i was “off sick”. I’ve still never told anyone about that, i was hoping to fall asleep and never wake up. I feel like a burden to people so i find it hard to ask for support. that’s why i often resort to cries for help. i feel trapped in my own mind. life is exhausting and i can’t control my emotions. I want to be happy but my own fucking brain gets in the way of everything.

suicidal

A friend of mine tried to commit suicide

And I really want to help him somehow but I just don't know how. I don't understand how he feels to be honest, since we are just so different I guess, but I try. What should I do? We don't live in the same city, so I'm taking a day off from college and going home this weekend. Is it a good idea to take origami paper to fold origami or play chess or something similar? He doesn't know any of those, so I thought maybe a new activity might help. What do you think?

suicidal

Shaved my head and started writing letters

With so many posts on here (like almost 1 per minute) I'm not really expecting or even asking for a response. I just felt some unexplainable obligation to post somewhere that I've finally started taking real action towards the end. Shaved my head so if I decide to put a bullet through my skull there won't be hair everywhere. I also wrote my first letter to my child and continue to write. Don't know when for sure, but I'm pretty set on soon. Not looking for advice or "don't do it"s. This is my only active community online so I felt I should leave something here. Thanks for reading.

depression

I feel like nothing matters anymore

I'm starting to feel like nothing matters anymore and i want to die, my "friends" just make fun of me for no reason and nothing feels like a meaning anymore, I feel like just lying in bed all day and do nothing. I was it would all end

depression

My girlfriend and I broke up

Honestly, I'm really happy about it. It wasn't a very bad relationship, I just couldn't handle being in it. But I'm feeling a lot better then I ever have. It was definitely a good thing for me and I'm actually glad it happened.

suicidal

Wednesday is started cutting myself, before that i hit myself with a belt.

I started to hurt myself when i was 14 i am 15 now and i have no idea what to do. I am only happy when i am with my girlfriend who is in the same class.

depression

How i've been feeling.

I don't wanna try and go for another doctors appointment as nothing came out my last one, and it just feels like too much effort, felt so anxious the entire time after I booked it and it wasn't nice. I also just want someone to hug the entire night platonically, but have no one to do so with, and I feel numb when it comes to sadness, like I can't cry or anything or if I do, its just a few tears and I have no clue why. It fucking sucks but I just wanna stay in my bed all day and sleep. Being un educated and a teen has its perks and I have so fucking many more issues like how my teeth are so bad, 10 fillings and a tooth removed but when it gets to the point of too much pain i'm hoping the pain will drive me to kill myself and go to peace.

depression

i think about it from time to time.

mostly not in a serious way just wondering how i am going to do it, how death is like, would it be like pulling the plug of a TV? just a blank screen ? will your soul leave your body ? sometime i think if i am going to leave a note what should i put in it? maybe i should write something in german just to mess with my family or tattoo some satanic symbols all over my body for no reason just i am weird and messing with people's heads one last time sounds fun.

suicidal

I’m giving up hope.

It’s been almost a year since I was put on antidepressants and nothings changed. They’ve tried different meds and different doses but it doesn’t work. At first I was slowly giving up but now I just rapidly feel like nobody can help me like I’m just a shit stain everyone walks on and I know for a fucking fact I wouldn’t be missed. Jesus Christ I sound pitiful but god damn it there’s nothing left for me. I’ve been diagnosed with PTSD recently and they tell me that my depression is from the PTSD but Jesus I feel like I’m just another mark on the books of a fucked up people. Every day I hope to fucking god I don’t wake up and every day I do. Everyday it takes me two hours to get to sleep only to have nightmares and wake up after two hours. I’m so fucking tired and I’m so fucking done with trying. The universe has won and I feel like now it’s just waiting with a bowl of popcorn to see how I end. I feel like I’m constantly screaming and screaming in a room full of people but nobody cares to look nobody hears me. It’s just so fucking worthless to keep trying it seems.

suicidal

I still have nothing for no one

Not myself, not others I'm gonna fail out of the online school I was pressured to get into, because I can't make myself try, because I'm pretty universally and consistently useless Anytime I can die would be great, the sooner the better

suicidal

He took my childhood, but I’m taking my life

I was scared he was going to do what he did to me to another little girl, and so I finally reported my abuse to the police nearly 6 years after it had ended. There was no physical evidence and so to press charges they need me to testify in court. I’m going to testify, but then I’m going to kill myself. Regardless of the verdict, I will have made my disgusting and horrible actions known to the public so history cannot repeat itself, and little girls will be safe from the predator who stole so much from me. It’s just so much easier to guarantee that my suffering will end than to expect a court to do right thing. In all honestly, I never imagined living this long, I never thought I’d make it to my senior year of high school. I’m supposed to go to college in the fall, but I’ll be dead by then. I wish I could do it sooner but I don’t want to be the coward that let others get hurt when it was preventable.

suicidal

Can someone talk to me please?

I am feeling sick. Anxious. I need some help please

suicidal

loneliness has been killing me lately

That's all I really needed to say, just kind of sick of going all day without being so much as acknowledged by those around me. Hope all y'all are doing ok

suicidal

I'm in a constant struggle between killing myself or doing crack cocaine

The only good thing in my life is my girlfriend, her whole family (super religious and conservative) and friends hate me and do everything to stop her from being with me, including telling her they have seen me with other girls, a lie of course (her own mother did that). I was an addict, I did cocaine, crack, benzos. Now I just smoke weed and take LSD occasionally (it actually helps me a lot), also I have tattoos so... the whole combo for them to hate. School sucks obviously, I can't concentrate, I disassociate, I feel worthless and tired all the time. I can't take anxiolytics because of addiction so my head is always full of shit that I can't control, sometimes my paranoia is almost like schizophrenia. Forgive my english and thanks for taking the time to read it.

depression

Please end me

Sometimes I just cant even. I hate school so much, I hate everything about it. I hate all kinds of work too, I’m so fucking tired of all off it, having to work hard and try all the time and its still fucking useless, I still cant do jack shit and I’m a completely useless piece of human garbage. I hate life I wanna fucking die seriously

depression

I’m crying so hard

Please help me

suicidal

I don’t know if I can do this anymore.

I feel so empty. I don’t even know what to write here because I just.. I am.. I don’t want to be in this body, in this depressed brain anymore. It doesn’t feel fair. All I’ve ever done is help people. I worked in nursing homes for years. Now I work with developmentally disabled adults. I feel like I’ve been grasping at a reason to live. If I’m consistently helping someone else live a happier/healthier/easier life, maybe I’ll get better. Maybe I’ll deserve to get better. I have only gotten worse.

depression

I can’t believe I’ve gotten this bad

I understand losing a job. Losing your mom. Getting cheated on and finding out about it in the most cliche possible way. Losing hope in everything. I was so self destructive before and after. Just wanted to not feel. Way before any of this shit started to happen. It’s difficult accepting and understanding what’s happened in the past has effectively shaped you in a negative and positive way. But most of us stop there. I’m stopped there. The negative way, it’s so easy to get caught in that loop. We can be right about some things but it doesn’t change anything. I say I can’t believe I’ve gotten this bad for good. I won’t bore anyone with details of my childhood as we all have a few nights worth of stories. Just know you always have a decision and it’s yours. Right now it’s pretty hard at 25 years old I’ve let myself be manipulated by my own father and my ex. I remember at a younger age feeling like I don’t deserve to feel sad and I shouldn’t. Now I think it’s just a plain joke and I’m being tested. Not religious or whatever didn’t mean that but fuck, life is getting a little too real. I just got a letter from my school they approved a grade change appeal. I just stopped showing up. For 2 semesters. I have my suspicion due to the community I’m from and the major/degree I was going in for they are tight knit and had my back(if you’re from this community you will probably know). When I received the letter my first response was anger that they would let someone like me back. But it’s time to be done with all my self searching. For so long I would be thinking what could I change/tweak about me to make more people like me. What can I change to make me think that I don’t care about what people think even though that was on my mind 99% of the time and stressing me out. I’ve been stuck in the past and it’s time to move on. It’s unfortunate that for so many of us we know something is wrong and we want to change. So many of us don’t know how. I still don’t know how. But I’m going to fucking start. I’m starting here. My next step is doing less things that don’t get me anywhere and more thing that move me forward. Thanks for reading.

depression

I bought meds online to kill myself

I'm really worried I will never receive them or that they are fake because I paid a lot for those and there are my only hope at a peaceful death. My other option is taking 30 pills of ibuprofen and opening an artery

suicidal

It took me attempting suicide to realise that I was right about nobody caring if I died.

So last week everything got to me. I've lost my son, wife, car, my home even and haven't eaten in 5 days as I have nothing to my name. Living off nothing but tap water for substance. I'm week and ill due to this. My parents won't help, they say I'm a wimp for attempting. My father said I was worthless and amount to nothing before offering to kick my face in for being a "puff" (rich as he's never worked in my entire life a day and mum's always provided for him while I've worked abroad, owned a home and much more but yeah). My friends avoid me and don't want to hang around me, o only have a place to sleep thanks to my mother, but it's a rock hard floor and my father won't let me stay, eat or do anything there so in the day I'm cut lose to wonder the streets in the rain and cold. A problem as we've had a lot of major storms and even flooding here recently. So last week I went to the lake I frequented as a child and hung myself. That was meant to be it. But in typical pathetic fashion I failed here too. The rope snapped. I woke up a few minutes later, dizzy from the fall, unsure where I was due to the lack of oxygen. Eventually I recovered and went back to my parents to sleep. Wet, drenched, in pain and hungry. The next morning the abuse from my father began. I'm 24 and I have nothing, only a few months ago I had everything and a newborn son. My ex wife took all that, took him thousands of miles away. I miss him more than anything. But nobody cares I'm hungry, cold, alone. Nobody even cares I attempted suicide. Not a single friend wants to spend time with me. My family hates me. My son isn't there to comfort me. All I can take pride in now is my ability to end everything again soon, to finally have this all over, and this time I won't fail hopefully.

suicidal

I can't take myself anymore

I don't really know what im expecting of righting this but at this point i'm willing to do anything to stop this unbearable pain of existing. I'm gonna give you a brief overview over my entire life and what exactly it is right now that lead me to the decision that my life is not worth living anymore. Elementary School was hell. Had a teacher that sat me behind a bookshelf from which i wasnt even able to see the blackboard or participate in class because i was "distracing" the other children. The teacher videotaped me "misbehaving" in class to ridicule my parents and parentsmeetings. I was a smart kid. I was able to write and do basic math before i went to school. I was bored. When i was finished with my stuff I walked through the room and helped the children that were struggling. I dont see any misbehaving in that but maybe im wrong. Final report card was straight A's. Teacher still recommended that i go to a school for idiots. In my country this recommendation is on the report card. When i applied at "normal" schools not a single one wanted to teach me because of that recommendation which was just straigh up bullshit. In the end i found a school that saw my potential and didnt care about the recommendation. So i was able to get a decent education. While all of that was happening home was hell. My dad was violent and abusive and my mother never intervened when he punched me in the face etc. i dont know if she did not care or if she was afraid. it doesnt matter to me. I felt and still feel abandoned. From age 9-12 my older brother was raping me over and over. Not like once a month or something. EVERY SINGLE DAY. sometimes even multiple times. But who should i have asked for help? my father that is violent me? my mother that doesnt do shit? He even invited his friends to watch and spit on me. With 14 i had the realization that i wasnt normal anymore. I wasnt talking alot. I stopped enjoying literally anything. Thats also when i started to cut myself. Fast forward to me being 19. I finished school. Got my highschool diploma eventhough i was suffering from severe depression as i found out later. I also had 1 friend. Lets call her L. I got a job over 100 miles away from my parents. I moved out. Lived there in terrible conditions since i made almost no money. But i think i felt better. Im not sure since i was stoned most of the time. After 3 years living away from my parents L tried to commit suicide. I blame myself but i dont want to get into detail of why that is. She survived. I was there for her. I took all my years vacation to be there for her. 6 Months later i live with my parents again since i was breaking down and wasnt able to take care of myself anymore. i admit myself to a mental hospital because i was highly suicidal and L urged me to do it. After i admitted myself L blocked me on all social media up to this day. This was 3 years ago. I stayed 3 months in the hospital and learned alot. I learned that i suffer from depression, paranoia, narcissm, have borderline personality disorder and have symptoms that might be a psychosis but no one can confirm or deny this. I was talking about all the stuff that happened to me. But i learned nothing to cope with that stuff. Or accept it. Or stop thinking about it constantly. Basically i was worse than before. Everything was fresh in my mind. But no one taught me how to deal with that stuff. But hospital said i was "healed". I moved out from my parents again and got a job in a callcenter since that was the only thing available in my hometown. I got minimum wage, had to have crazy amounts of knowledge, had extreme stats i had to reach or i was laid off and i hated every second. I was sick alot. Like ALOT. Every 2-3 weeks i had something. From colds, flu, migrane etc. I stayed for a whole year. Eventho i was sick often i had exceptional stats. 99% customer satisfaction with extremely low talk time etc. Then i quit. I couldnt take it anymore. The constant pressure. Knowing that i will never be promoted no matter how good i am. Constant stuggle with money. I was miserable. So i went into a different mental hospital. Did dialectic behavioural therapy instead of trauma therapy. Learned to use skills. Which is basically just finding something to occupy your brain so you stop thinking your sick sad thoughts. Does it solve anything? No, not at all. Do i feel better? No. In therapy i found a girlfriend. She is perfect. She talks with me. She is understanding. But im struggling so hard since i have this paranoia that literally any person on this planet is just trying to hurt me. I trust her. I know that my thoughts are not real. But it hurts so fucking much. Just a few days ago she got her period. Almost 2 weeks earlier than expected. My thought process to this situation was. "Well she was partying with her friends last weekend. She probably fucked a dude there, got Plan-B and one the side effects is that your period might come earlier or later than expected." Like what the hell? How do you even come up with something like that? I feels like i just want to hurt myself. I should be happy. She is doing everything she can. And i cant appreciate it since my mind is just thinking up storys to hurt me. This literally makes me feel like im insane. Why would i do that to me? Now im unemployed. Get my money from health insurance. Well for the next week that is. My psychiatrist told me that he wont be writing me sick any longer. He gave me no reason why he wont continue since he is 100% aware of my mental state. That means i dont get any money from my health insurance anymore since they think im healthy. Which means i have to get money from the state for being umemployed. Getting money from the state in my country means that you are required to apply for jobs. For ANY job that the state choses for you. If you dont apply (and show up to interviews or decline a job offer) they wont give you money. Like literally 0. I cant work. I cant even apply for a job. Im not even able to keep my small flat clean or keep care of myself. I dont know what to do anymore. I just want the pain to stop.

suicidal

Looking for stories of people how recovered 100% from depression

Did anyone recover 100%? It would give me hope to know anyone did! Thank you very much!!! Have a good day!

depression

Needing someone to talk to im in a pretty bad place

emptypost

suicidal

I have become numb again

I thought my depression had lessened because i was feeling things again, but i have been sober for 2 months now and i think it was probably just the alcohol, because i don’t feel like i have been becoming a lot more numb lately, not being sad feels good at least but i think a lot of the happiness has gone with it, i feel so bored.

depression

Exes,Horniness, and Depression

You ever break up with your gf cus you want to be independent and you don’t think you want to be with that person and you feel fine the first month and then after that it hits you that you’ll never be able to hit that ever again or see that body or talk to them every night and you contemplate on how fucking stupid you are to do such a thing and then get depressed and a couple weeks later realize you made the right choice and then the cycle keeps repeating throughout the year

depression

Resigned from my paid internship today. I'm worried about the immediate future.

I felt too overwhelmed balancing graduate-level schoolwork and a paid internship, and I felt like I wasn't getting as much done as I would have liked, wasting a lot of time. So I asked my advisor via email if I could end my contract early, for the research position I was given. He accepted the resignation, but I've been nervous bringing it up for weeks now. I was worried because I've been coming in late or on some days not at all. My depression is getting worse, and I feel like my antidepressant dosage is too low to be effective. I'm not sure which is a bigger black mark on my resume/needing a future recommendation for a job: not showing up to work because I'm having a depressive episode, or ending the internship to spare them from further episodes. It's the first time I've been employed as a STEM major, and I've completely messed it up. I only have rent money left and then, who knows. I feel so shitty and small, and mostly stupid. I can't possibly say that I've changed my mind now, it'll look too odd after all the rigamarole I went through trying to quit, emailing various advisors and internship coordinators. I'm so tired, and my boyfriend thinks that I've shot myself in the foot and yelled in disbelief. "I don't know how to make it better," he said. I just don't know what to do. And I'm not sure what's more screwed up now, my financial status or my career path when grad school is over.

depression

Been suffering for fucking 24 years

Still fucking suffering

suicidal

I don’t want to do this anymore

I have been struggling for a while now. For as long as I can remember, I’ve always wondered what’s the point of being alive. I’ve had good moments, but they have never lasted. Then I met you. After being alone and lonely for years, I fell in love with you. You’ve made me happy, you’ve made me sad, you’ve given me confidence, you’ve made me feel awful. You’ve played with me. You’ve made promises you never intended to keep. I’ve made choices so we could be together. I’ve pictured a whole life for us. And then you’ve changed your mind. You’ve managed to destroy me. I shouldn’t have let you destroy me. I was weak in the first place. What’s the point of being alive and being alone? I don’t have you anymore, I don’t have friends. I have work and that’s all. And work gets boring. You don’t live just to work. I just feel like I’m ready to give up. I don’t believe it can get better anymore, because if it does get better, it’s only going to get worse afterwards. I’m done.

suicidal

I deserve this

I deserve to suffer for everything I have done. I hope I continue to feel pain so I can make up for the shit I caused.

suicidal

I saw a burning building today, I tried rushing in, wanting to save whoever is inside; but, got stopped by several people.

Honestly, I don’t value my life that much, and I’d rather never wake up from my sleep. I came in terms with myself, and thought maybe I could give that second chance to someone who deserves it more than me. Is that stupid? Or senseless?

suicidal

Where do I go?

I've tried every path possible to stop my pain. Counseling so far seemed like it failed. I'm trying extremely hard at everything but the universe likes to play a reverse card and send me back to the put I just came from. I'm just constantly losing and whenever I do win it's only for a millisecond. I'm literally extremely humble and nice but in a way I can't be used and the universe still trashes me for it. I'm trying just so hard. People say it's going to get better but how it's been going only downhill and I'm doing nothing to cause this. I always feel fake, empty, and soulless but all I want I to feel feel and be full of emotions, but the world I've seen is built to destroy me and continue to get me farther from that. I honestly want to be able to be comforted by my friends by nothing fucking works I'm literally both an Anti-introvert and anti-extrovert,nothing works for me. My counseler tells me to challenge my negative thoughts but really how do challenge that in a mind that the light gave up in. I've got no where to escape but death and I'm 15.

suicidal

Suicide

When I will turn 18 I want to kill myself. I feel like I am just a waste of space and my "friends" are staying with me because they pity me. Every time when I think about myself I see a failure that will never be able to do anything good. So, I'm asking for advices, what should I do? (I'm very lost in my mind)

suicidal

Pretty sure I'd rather be dead

I think I speak for alot of people here when I say that I wish assisted suicide was available for anyone who wanted it and was willing to wait through a cooling off period. Life is a fucking prison and I hate it.

suicidal

Some tell me you relate

I feel like no one understands that for me suicidal thoughts don't go away. Like I'm not gonna kill myself but it's not like I never think of it. My psychiatrist knows and says it's common for people who have survived traumas and suffer from a multitude of mental and physical problems. I'm always afraid to tell anyone though or my therapist bc every time I talk about people get concerned. I don't know maybe I am alone in this but the best way to describe it is: like a fly in a contained room. You'll always hear the buzz, and sometimes it constant and droning in your ear, but other times you can barely hear, like a soft quick buzz. I mean its never gone away. I am only 18 but I have never had a time where I didn't think about killing myself. I'm okay now, the fly is rather quiet but like is this normal?

suicidal

My Friends

So me and my friends are all very, ‘depressed’. We all wanna change but none of them are willing to. I’m trying to change my attitude about life. About everything but my friends are still stuck in there negative mindset and never wanna handout and maybe change our lives. I need help. I don’t wanna lose them as friends but I need to get my life going. What do I do?

depression

Detergent suicide

Does anyone know specific names of cleaning products to mix to kill oneself?

suicidal

I always helped her, I was there for her when she was at her lowest. And when it happened to me she said “ it’s good if you’re gone”. It’s always in my head now that she could be that cold. Every night I think about it. Every single day is a fight not to hurt myself

emptypost

suicidal

Think i have just met a new level of depression

I have phases where I feel nothing but my existance, of which I dont want. I will be lucky if I get nore than 5 replies and thats bumping the number up.

depression

Please I'm begging you all tell me how to die

I'm in a mental hospital and i want to die. No you can not persuade me just give me advice. They found my stash of meds so I can't overdose. I have a blade and plan to slit my throat but they do 15 mins checks and I'm afraid they'll find me. I can't get anything from outside. I know how to make a noose out of my bed sheet but there's no where to tie it to. Please I'm begging you tell me how to die. I am so tired and done with this life.

suicidal

Learning disability

I was diagnosed with borderline disability and it's making me suicidal and homicidal. I've never accomplished anything in my life I have no ged, no job, no licence all I want to do is get a ged so I can go to college to study a trade. Why do people with learning disability have to take the same test as people who don't have learning disability of course it would be easier for them but for us the test feels like a foreign language to me. Also I'm going to be homeless because of me nobody else fault my parents want me to stay but if they die I will be homeless anyways.

suicidal

I don’t know if I can make it to my first therapy session. My mental time is ticking.

It’s next week, but I’ve had consistent panic attacks for the past week and it’s becoming too much. It’s too much. I’ve been falling off a cliff and I can see the end. I’ve ruined my friendships, ruined my future, ruined my life. I don’t know what’s left. Everything is pointless now. I’m scared.

suicidal

I hate who I am completely...

If you read through my post history you’ll know what I’m going through... but I just feel so worthless.. so unlovable... even my family agrees it’s a me issue...

suicidal

Why am I like this?

Yesterday I stayed home from class because I didn't finish an assignment and when I told my parents they were mad. College is horrible. I can't get anything right and I feel like I'm in the wrong major, but it feels too late to change out for next semester. During my time at home I couldn't stop myself from crying. I stayed in my room all day, not leaving for food or the bathroom. I just sat there and thought about ending it. I had a belt I could kill myself with. It felt like the only thing to do since I feel like I burden my family and friends. When I put the belt around my neck and pulled, I couldn't do it. I couldn't just leave. My parents know I'm not doing good in school, but I could never tell them about what happened. I just need help but I feel weak or stupid going to get help. I really just wanna drop out and find a job I can work my way up from, but that'll disappoint my entire family. I don't know why I do this shit to myself. I always act like an idiot and let everything fall apart around me. I don't know how to change myself. I don't want to feel like this anymore.

depression

Sorry I'm still here

I'm so sick of this. So sick of feeling useless and alone, so sick of never being happy or feeling ok. So sick of lying all the time and telling every one I'm fine every fucking day because I'm not at all. I constantly just feel drained and tired of everything and I rlly see no point in carrying on. No one cares and it's not like ill be missed by anyone if I just end it all. I'm sorry I'm still here. I'm sorry I'm wasting your time. I'm sorry every one has to deal with my shit when I'm a lost cause.

suicidal

I need your advice

I feel tired. Nothing brings me a joy. I lost all my fucking hobbies. I started smoking a lot. I have alcoholic dad, he often lies, also he borrowing my money, but never give them me back. Luckily, my mom isn't such an alcoholic, but she also drinks a lot. I remember, when i was a child, my parents often dont have money to buy tge food, so i used to visit my grandma, and take some food from her, to feed me and my younger brothers. i remember, once my dad came back home, so drunk, that he beated my mother,and btoke a glass door. There were a fucktone of blood.It was sticky and smelled horrible. When i was 13 i was raped by my drunk dad. Nobody knows about it. Also 2 months ago,i found a gf, but she broke with the me up. Also she was amphetamine addicted. She was mentally unstable. She had a lot of overdose. Honestly I miss her. I feel like i don't have future. I was born because condom ripped, and anti pregnant tablets wasn't working. I feel useless. I live in a small town in Western Ukraine. My town is a fucking shithole of the Europe. In 1 year i will be graduating, but i don't know where I want to study.

depression

I have suicidal thoughts.

Hello, I wanted to post here for quite some time but I've always been sort of scared that my issues wouldn't be as important as the ones on here.Lately I've been having a lot of suicidal thoughts and I've just been feeling very diwn in general,I know I won't do it though because even though I don't really care about myself I know it will absolutely destroy my best friend's life.She has been so supportive over the years and I couldn't do it to her because I know that she cares a lot.Sorry for the long post,just wanted to vent a little:/ P.S. sometimes I feel like she doesn't care even though she shows me very often that she indeed does.

suicidal

I don't want to do anything.

I can't get myself to practice Aikido anymore. I bought a ticket to go see The Struts a month ago, but I q just couldn't leave the house to go see them tonight. The worst part is, I have all of these goals and I want to work towards them but when it comes time to write a paper or go out with friends or whatever, I just can't. Sleep seems awful. Being awake seems awful. Even comfort foods are awful to me now. I definitely dont want to kill myself but sometimes I wish I could just stare at the ceiling all day or something but even that seems awful.

depression

I think I’m ready

emptypost

suicidal

I wanna die

I’m 9th grade and I don’t know how to socialize anymore I’m suppper shy to do anything:<<<

suicidal

I don’t want to bother my friends

So I’ll bother you guys. This sub makes me so sad. But I guess I’m already so sad. I found myself wishing that I would get the virus and die. It would make it so much easier on my family and friends. And in a masochistic way I like the idea of withering away, which is probably why I don’t eat. I just feel so worthless and stupid. I’m going nowhere in life. My boyfriend doesn’t love me enough and doesn’t know how or bother to help when I’m down. I think he might just stick around out of pity but I can feel that and it sucks and it’s not enough for me if it’s not real love. I just really need to shout into this void for a minute because I don’t feel worthy of taking up the energy or my friends or the time or a crisis line or something. I think I’m going to be alone forever, and I wish so hard that I was strong enough to not care about that. I wish I was enough. But I’m so tired of being anxious all the time and feeling this sinking darkness in my chest. I just want to get out of here.

suicidal

What’s wrong with me?

When I told my mom I was depressed, she told me she used to have depression too so she gets where I’m coming from. The only thing is, she thinks mine is mild like hers was, but I can’t bring myself to tell her how everyday I think about killing myself. I wish i could somehow be better and go back to being happy, but I know I’m fucked beyond repair. I have no hope in anything and I’m scared of the future because I don’t see myself in it. I need help but I’m so embarrassed to tell anyone I have depression and idk why. I feel like I don’t deserve their help. I should just stay quiet and suffer on my own.

depression

My dog just pulled me out of a funk

Hi guys. I've been struggling with a relapse into severe depression for the last couple of months. I've been seeing a psychiatrist who has changed me onto new meds, and I'm slowly starting to come good, but the last couple of days I've been in a deep funk, just not interested in doing anything, not eating, barely talking. I've spent most of my time in bed, or watching youtube, or both. I don't know if it's the change in meds (probably) or what, but I wanted to share a ridiculous moment I just had. My dog (a 5yo kelpie named Max) walked into my room, and nudged his butt against my knee like he does when he wants pats. I wasn't feeling it, and nudged him away. He came back, sat down on my foot, and let rip with a huge fart. Right on my foot. I started laughing - I haven't laughed in the last couple of days - and I kept laughing for a solid five minutes. I opened the window to clear the air (also haven't opened the window in the last couple of days) and all of a sudden the funk was over. It was like he poured cold water over my head and my vision cleared. I'm sitting at my desk in the fresh air, still smiling, and about to start on some uni work I have to get a jump on. Max is napping on my bed like the champion he is. Things can be so dark for so long that it can be hard to imagine anything different. I don't know what your version of your dog farting on your foot is, but when it comes, try to let it pull you out of the funk. I'm not well yet, and probably won't be back to normal for another month or so, but I'm getting there.

depression

I don't know if I can do it anymore

So there was this girl that I've known since forever, but years ago I ended up having a major crush on her. After, me and her started talking more and becoming close friends. We went for a few years of talking for a few months, her pushing away then a few months later texting me out of the blue and repeat. Almost 2 years ago we stared talking again and it was great. Her house every weekend doing stupid shit like watching Youtube videos, music, and Netfix till like 11 at night. We also ended up talking feelings stuff which I never do, like I'm an emotional guy, but I don't show it. But I kinda felt like I was like I was living for the weekends, that and spending time at lunch in school. Like we weren't dating, but we were super close friends and we had talked about how I felt about her, but she wasn't sure how she felt. After hanging out less and less for a few months, we graduated. That night she sent a text about how she felt and that I had pushed to much and we haven't talked since. That was about a year ago. I don't blame her, at the time I was scared of losing her and I just kept pushing. But it hasn't gotten any better I still miss her more than ever. I honestly feel like there is something wrong with me, holding on for so long, and I feel really lost not having her in my life. Part of really wants to try talking to her again, but I'm afraid that will just hurt her more than I already have. I don't want commit suicide, but I really don't want to exist. I'm lost and don't feel like its ever going to get better. None of this is her fault, I am the reason I am broken and she might be too.

suicidal

Bipolarity is a curse

I might become homeless. Just had an episode and spent my savings, can't bring myself to work more than 15 hours a week. I binged on xanies and fucked a stranger the other night, I've been hanging out with a married man. The man I really love can't handle me but won't let me go for some fucking reason. I have no support system, everyone's only halfway there for me because I'm just too unpredictable and sick for anyone to consistently keep up with my needs. I just turned 26, I wanted to do something with my life by now, I can't even handle a ft job and my adulthood has been a clusterfuck of mental illness and grief. I need to be on drugs but I'm terrified of them bc I'm so low functioning that my life will be ruined if they make me any worse. It's been like this for years. Years!!!!!! I don't know how to get better, I see my other mentally ill friends not getting better, and the older I get the more worried I am that I'll have no choice but to concede to the reality of a lifelong struggle w/o much hope for anything even remotely resembling security/ property/ prosperity/ FAMILY I'm jealous of high functioning people. I just want to be that someday. I'm so tired. Thanks for reading

depression

21 gonna commit suicide at 30.

21, M, in college. Homeless in college. I feel so sad, so mad, it's all really bad. I feel as if there's nothing to really do. I feel stressed all the time. The only thing that keeps me going is music. I sing and play guitar and write songs everyday and post a new album about every month. Currently learning how to mix and record music on my own. That's the only thing that makes me happy. Just going to continue writing and recording songs until I'm 30, then end it all. By then I'll hopefully sound really nice with all those years of practice. I've thought of this idea two weeks ago, and I feel a bit better. Don't worry as much, since I know it'll all end soon.

suicidal

Isolation is self protection.

People say self isolating is bad and you shouldn’t do it and should surround yourself with friends and family but honestly sometimes self isolating is less hurtful. Self isolation protects me from the disappointment of other people’s actions. I can be there for every single other person whatever reason and whenever and the second I’m sinking no one seems to notice or no one seems to take it seriously enough to really care. When all u get is disappointment when you see these people it gets draining so yeah that’s why I self isolate. I’m sick of getting hurt by getting disappointed.

depression

I’m scared of dying

But I still feel like it’s an inevitable thing. Even if I am scared of dying I feel like at some point I’ll just kill myself on autopilot

suicidal

I feel like my life's not gonna get any better

I post here and never get any responses but whatever. I'm going to be turning 20 this year and waking up every morning is getting harder. I feel so lost and like I have no direction. I took a mental health day off from work and all it did was show me how much I don't do. I feel like I have no hobbies, I try play games but I lose interest after 5 minutes, I try work on Writing or Drawing and I lose any motivation almost instantly. The only way I can get any satisfaction is masturbation and afterwards I always feel disgusted with myself. I've tried going to school 2 times now and had to drop out halfway through the semester both times. I just want to stop existing but I don't want to hurt everyone around me.

depression

Things

I wish I had a person to have a big argument with. Why? Because it’s a way to let my anger out and that person gets to call me names.

depression

I can't take anymore of this existence

I didn't know that overdoses were rarely successful until reading through this subreddit, I was planning on overdosing with tramadol hydrochloride, I was hoping to make it quick & peaceful but now I will have to consider another method.

suicidal

Would love to contract Coronavirus

In all seriousness though. A reason to stay in bed for like a week and if it killed me I honestly wouldn't be mad....

depression

It drives you to do things you'll never forgive yourself for

I remember the past few weeks were the ones in the summer where I wasn't able to see you much. I felt so sick, not because I couldnt see you, but because I knew I would. The fact that everytime I seen you, you acted as if you loved me so much. Why did you? I never understood and I couldnt comprehend. I didnt believe you the slightest. And even the day I broke it off with you for the first time, I didnt understand why you seemed to be on the verge of crying. I didn't even say it out loud that I thought we weren't going to last, you just read me like a book. Whenever you read me, did i seem pathetic? All I felt was numb. My heartless self watched you walk away, and the last feeling id feel for a long time walked away too. I wish I could tell you about it all. I loved you so much. I tell these lies, apologizing how I didnt appreciate you enough then, telling lies to my friends about how I really felt. My only desire was to die, the quickest way to get it done was to get rid of you. In the end, I didnt die, but at the same time I did. I didn't even have enough energy to tie a knot or swallow any meds, it even felt so heavy to blink. Im horrible for acting like i hated you after, you acted like you hated me. I dont blame you for it, for me it was just a way to not let my pride down. We grew back together, we were so close. It got to the point we felt for eachother again. But I didnt understand why I was still fucking numb. I didnt want to be with you, I wasnt ready. I wanted to die. Everytime I almost did it, id somehow end up back where I started. I hurt you so much. Somehow, some way, we got through it. You never found out how I really felt. We made it. Im better. I love you so much. Everyday I'm wallowing in self hatred, because of the pain I caused you. Yet you had believed you were in the wrong? I don't understand that, i never will. You're always in my mind. I want to die, but I push through it for you. So I can see you once again every day. My greatest fear, will be the day you say "I love you" for the very last time.

depression

Help help help

Boom clickbait. What’s like ya know? The easiest quickest to kill yourself? Jumping off a building seems too cliche plus there’s the social awkwardness of getting past the secretary at a business building to get you to a top floor.

suicidal

I’m so tired of it all

It’s your average story everyone’s heard: no friends, broken family, bullied throughout elementary and high school, rough breakup, only escapes through drugs and self harm. I just can’t take it anymore i feel so worthless, I’m turning 18 this year and i think i can no longer go on like this i’ve wanted to die since i was 11. why is life so painful every day is a constantly struggle for me and i can’t even find motivation to keep going on. I cant even picture myself as an adult, i see nothing. These are all just words i cant even put together properly without autocorrect cause i’m crying too much, i just want to feel okay. How does being loved feel like? I’ve only felt it once with someone who changed their mind and started caring about somebody else in that particular way and broke off all contact with me. I’m so tired of people giving me “tough love” and saying my decisions are selfish, i know i am, it’s just making it worst. I just want it all to stop, but it never did. “It gets better” is burned into my mind but when does it? I’ve been trying so hard to continue on and make improvements but it always ends back at square one. I’ve never been this insistent on dying in my life, there are only liars and shitty people on this earth. Nobody seems to care or listen unless there’s something in for them

suicidal

goodnight

I want to live. I'm a little, cheerful girl. I love music. Whenever I'm about to go to sleep, I take my pink mp3 player to my bed and listen to my favorite songs for hours while imagining myself as a skydiver, princess or a superhero! As I dive into the blue sky I scream so loud that my throat hurts. Maybe if I'm loud enough I won't be able to hear my mother's epileptic seizure as the nice paramedic asks me what I've been reading and if school is going good. I try to ignore my grandma crying while my grandfather just looks away from what is happening. School is going good, I'm really enjoying my art classes. The teacher says that I have some potential and that I'm a pleasure to have in class. Maybe because I rarely talk. I like when my teacher praises me, it makes me feel like I'm special - I think as I sit on my bed, with one of my CDs playing in the background. I'm in middle school. I live in the city now. My school is bigger, more modern and it even has a cafeteria. It's always crowded yet somehow empty at the same time. I no longer have art classes. My teachers say that I'm smart but kind of lazy. All of the girls are so pretty. My cheeks are chubbier than theirs, my legs are thicker and my belly is sticking out. I skip my lunch. Looking at pictures of gorgeous and thin girls on the internet makes me feel full. I hate PE classes. I'm the only girl that can't play volleyball. I hit the ball really hard and now my hoodie is stained red. It hurts but I pretend nothing has happened. Nobody notices. High school is scary. Boys don't really like me. Maybe because of the way I dress or because I cut my hair very short. Starving becomes binging. I really hate my thighs. I'm the class clown. I skip school every day for a week. I overdose on medication several times. One time I almost fall down the stairs and pass out in my bathtub after overdosing on some pills. I try to kill myself. When in the ER one of my teachers is there. She looks at me. I can barely stay awake. One of the nurses tells me that I'm selfish. After coming back from hospital my teachers say that I'm the laziest student they've ever had. My mother forces me to lie so they won't put me in a psychiatric facility. I go to the psychiatrist once and never go back. Now my grandma sleeps in my room and they look through my stuff every day. I have to ask to go to the bathroom. My mom makes me stay in the guest room with only a bed, a desk and my textbooks. Dinner tastes awful. I want to die. College starts. My major is not that great. I have literature classes. I'm a very average student. Sometimes I remember my elementary school art teacher. I feel like I failed her. Boys still don't like me. My cheeks are still way too chubby. My body is covered in white thick lines. People stare a lot. Some ask questions some just avoid me. I still imagine and fantasize before going to sleep a lot. Skydiving turned into jumping off a bridge into a river, grand parties and colorful dresses turned into lonely college dorms, oversized t-shirts, and old sweaters, I no longer am a superhero, now I'm the one waiting for someone or something to save me. I no longer scream, I no longer put up a fight. I remember loving music but now it just gives me a headache. I'm an almost 21-year-old, tired woman. I no longer want to live. Goodnight.

depression

Turn 32 in April, no job, no friends, no girlfriend, no life at all.

Title says it all. I have degrees but I have no confidence, I suffer from social anxiety and I have little work experience. I lost all my friends years ago. No romantic interest because I don't leave the house except for a morning run. I feel totally lost. I have no idea what I am doing. My parents are worried. I have let them down. They keep asking me what my plans are and I have no answer. I don't want to see any family on my birthday. I am embarassed. There is something fundamentally wrong with me. Is it depression? Maybe I am in a trance. I just keep repeating the same things day after day with no idea how to change.

suicidal