report
stringlengths 2.07k
144k
|
|---|
<div class="report-text-surround">
<table cellspacing="0" cellpadding="0" align="right" border="0">
<tr><td></td><td width="15"> </td></tr>
</table>
<!-- DoseChart -->
<table border="2" cellpadding="4" cellspacing="0" bordercolor="#224422" class="dosechart">
<tr>
<td width="90" align="right">DOSE:<br></td>
<td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center"> repeated</td>
<td class="dosechart-method" align="center"> </td>
<td class="dosechart-substance">2-Fluoromethamphetamine</td>
<td class="dosechart-form"><b> </b></td>
</tr>
<tr>
<td width="90" align="right"> </td>
<td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center"> repeated</td>
<td class="dosechart-method" align="center">oral</td>
<td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/plants/coffee/">Coffee</a></td>
<td class="dosechart-form"><b> </b></td>
</tr>
<tr>
<td width="90" align="right"> </td>
<td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center"> repeated</td>
<td class="dosechart-method" align="center"> </td>
<td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/chemicals/amphetamines/">Amphetamines</a></td>
<td class="dosechart-form"><b> </b></td>
</tr>
<tr>
<td width="90" align="right"> </td>
<td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center"> repeated</td>
<td class="dosechart-method" align="center"> </td>
<td class="dosechart-substance">Lisdexamfetamine</td>
<td class="dosechart-form"><b> </b></td>
</tr>
<tr>
<td width="90" align="right"> </td>
<td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center"> repeated</td>
<td class="dosechart-method" align="center">oral</td>
<td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/plants/kratom/">Kratom</a></td>
<td class="dosechart-form"><b>(capsule)</b></td>
</tr>
<tr>
<td width="90" align="right"> </td>
<td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center"> repeated</td>
<td class="dosechart-method" align="center"> </td>
<td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/pharms/methylphenidate/">Pharms - Methylphenidate</a></td>
<td class="dosechart-form"><b> </b></td>
</tr>
<tr>
<td width="90" align="right"> </td>
<td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center"> repeated</td>
<td class="dosechart-method" align="center"> </td>
<td class="dosechart-substance">3-Fluoroamphetamine</td>
<td class="dosechart-form"><b> </b></td>
</tr>
<tr>
<td width="90" align="right"> </td>
<td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center"> repeated</td>
<td class="dosechart-method" align="center">vaporized</td>
<td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/plants/cannabis/">Cannabis</a></td>
<td class="dosechart-form"><b>(extract)</b></td>
</tr>
<tr>
<td width="90" align="right"> </td>
<td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center"> </td>
<td class="dosechart-method" align="center">oral</td>
<td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/chemicals/alcohol/">Alcohol</a></td>
<td class="dosechart-form"><b>(daily)</b></td>
</tr>
<tr>
<td width="90" align="right"> </td>
<td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center"> repeated</td>
<td class="dosechart-method" align="center">oral</td>
<td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/chemicals/lsd/">LSD</a></td>
<td class="dosechart-form"><b>(liquid)</b></td>
</tr>
</table>
<br>
<table border="2" cellpadding="4" cellspacing="0" bordercolor="#444455" class="bodyweight">
<tr>
<td width="110" class="bodyweight-title">BODY WEIGHT:</td>
<td width="80" class="bodyweight-amount">199 lb</td>
</tr>
</table>
<br><br><!-- End DoseChart -->
<!-- Start Body -->
<b>Anything Goes – Dealer’s Choice, and I’m the Dealer</b>
<br>
<br>
This report is part of an eight-report collection. The collection consists of <a href="/exp/115531">a summary report</a> that is retrospective and generalized in nature as well as seven [of which this is one] more detailed chronicles of my experiences with various chemicals used intentionally for work or study enhancement. Each report documents a single substance used for thirty days. The idea was to give each material a chance to show its strengths and weaknesses. <!-- If desired, please see the summary report HERE, where one can read-->The summary report has shorter descriptions and comparisons of my experiences with each material, as well as links to the other full-length experience reports for each substance.
<br>
<br>
This final entry to the collection summarizes a month of substance use aimed at enhancing my performance, primarily in the context of work, just as with the rest of this assemblage of writings. This month was unique in that I wasn’t following a predetermined schedule of dosing. I wasn’t even confined to a single substance. This month was a free-for-all. I chose the dosage and substance(s) each day as I saw fit. As such, this report includes but is not limited to the substances detailed in my full series of performance-enhancing reports, it also included some random selections; old favorites, wildcards and combinations.
<br>
<br>
<b>Background Information</b>
<br>
<br>
I consider myself to be well versed in the realm of substance use. Previous experiences include opiates, stimulants and psychedelics spanning over more than a decade. A fair amount of my substance usage history includes novel research chemicals often in less than common combinations.
<br>
<br>
I have spent at least a month taking and documenting in detail many of the substances included in this report as they were stand-alone portions in the series of experience reports this entry belongs to. Others substances outside of this specific set were things I was familiar with from previous experience; no first times here.
<br>
<br>
This report was written using extensive notes as well as audio recordings taken during the experiences.
<br>
<br>
Besides cannabis and alcohol I did not have any tolerance to any of the substances included below. A few light hits from an oil vaporizer every other day and 3-5 drinks daily summarize my habitual use of <!-- the two forementioned substances-->cannabis and alcohol.
<br>
<br>
Given the nature of this report, with numerous compounds and combinations, the same structure I used for the rest of the series was not a perfect fit. Rather than focus on a single substance’s “best”, “worst”, “mood effects”, “physical effects”, etc., as I did in the other reports, I’m using these same sections to discuss some highlights, lowlights, and themes I experienced across the month, but not necessarily focussing or discussing the details of every single day for every single substance.
<br>
<br>
<b>Substance Descriptions:</b>
<br>
<br>
- LSD: The LSD used in my experimenting was sourced from a respectable vendor and the same batch from which I had previously used in small, medium, and large dosages. I trusted the 255 micrograms per tab they were advertised as containing. To enable accurate volumetric dosing, I dropped one blotter into 35 ml of agave-based ethanol [40% ABV]. This was stirred and shaken every thirty minutes for the first five hours, then left overnight until the next morning when the same agitation schedule was resumed for the two hours before I called the preparation of the solution complete. The result was 7.3 ug/ml of LSD. All of the volumetric dosing was performed with clean new syringes.
<br>
<br>
- Kratom: The Kratom was sourced from a reputable vendor from which I have purchased and used various products before. I used a variety of strains, but all were an enhanced leaf type product. The dosages were prepared at 750 milligram per 00 capsule.
<br>
<br>
- 4F-MPH: The 4F-MPH was a fine powder material and each dosage was prepared on a freshly calibrated milligram (.000 gram) scale. The chemical was sourced through a highly vetted chemist and this batch tested at a &gt; 98% purity. An NMR analysis was completed and analyzed by a third party chemist to verify the chemical was as advertised. If taken orally, the powder was placed into a capsule before swallowing.
<br>
<br>
- 2-FMA: The 2-FMA was a fluffy and clumpy white powder of which the dosages were prepared on a freshly calibrated milligram (.000 gram) scale. The chemical was sourced through a highly vetted chemist and this batch tested at a &gt; 98% purity. An NMR analysis was completed and analyzed by a third party chemist to verify the chemical was indeed 2-FMA. When I prepared dosages for oral administration, I used <!-- all natural--> 00 capsules.
<br>
<br>
- Coffee: All of the coffee ingested in this report was from the same batch of medium roast. The coffee beans were ground fresh every day before preparation using a glass-pour over style coffeemaker. I wasn’t specific in measuring the exact temperature of the water used each day. I did however weigh my beans each day and kept the following measurements consistent throughout the month:
<br>
<br>
- 10.5 grams per mug of 300 milliliters of liquid
<br>
- Between .5 – 2.0 tablespoons of sugar per mug
<br>
- Between 25 – 75 milliliters of whole milk per mug
<br>
<br>
- Amphetamines: Adderall, dextroamphetamine, and lisdexamfetamine; all of these substances were sourced through a legitimate pharmacy.
<br>
<br>
The Adderalls were thirty milligram pills that were round and orange with “AD” stamped on one side and “30” stamped into the other. There had a full break mark between the “3” and the “0” and then smaller quarter break marks perpendicular to the main break line. For any smaller or uneven dosages, I used a pill cutter to divide these up.
<br>
<br>
The dextroamphetamines were ten milligram pills that were round, orange, and featured a stamp of “U39” on one side. The other side of the pill had a break mark that would dissect the lettering on the lettered side, top from bottom. For any smaller or uneven dosages, I used a pill cutter to divide these up.
<br>
<br>
The lisdexamfetamines were thirty milligram capsules with the female side of the capsule being orange and the male counterpart being white. The orange side featured black text that read “S489”. Directly across from this on the white portion of the capsule was black text which read “30 mg”.
<br>
<br>
- 3-Fluoroamphetamine: The 3-FA was a pure white powder that was more clumpy and flour-like than it was granular. The dosages were prepared on a freshly calibrated milligram (.000 gram) scale. The chemical was sourced through a highly vetted chemist and this batch tested at a &gt; 98% purity. An NMR analysis was completed and analyzed by a third party chemist to verify the chemical was indeed 3-FA. When I prepared dosages for oral administration, I used <!-- all natural--> 00 capsules.
<br>
<br>
- Methylphenidate: The five milligram pills were a bright yellow color, with one side imprinted with “MD” and the other with “531”. The pills were circular and had no break marks.
<br>
<br>
<b>Study Dosage Timeline</b>
<br>
<br>
My ingestion schedule was as follows:
<br>
<br>
Day 1/30: T + 00:00 2-FMA:16 mg oral
<br>
T + 01:37 dextroamphetamine: 10 mg insufflated
<br>
Day 2/30: T + 00:00 Coffee: 1 mug
<br>
T + 00:35 Adderall: 5 mg oral
<br>
T + 04:00 Adderall: 5 mg insufflated
<br>
Day 3/30: T + 00:00 LSD: 8 ug oral
<br>
Day 4/30: Off Day
<br>
Day 5/30: T + 00:00 lisdexamfetamine: 30 mg oral
<br>
Day 6/30: T + 00:00 lisdexamfetamine: 30 mg oral
<br>
T + 04:02 2-FMA: 14 mg insufflated
<br>
Day 7/30: T + 00:00 kratom [Green Vein Borneo]: 4 grams oral
<br>
T + 00:34 2-FMA: 5 mg oral
<br>
T + 00:36 dextroamphetamine: 5 mg oral
<br>
T + 07:31 kratom [Green Vein Borneo]: 4 grams oral
<br>
Day 8/30: T + 00:00 LSD: 15 ug oral
<br>
T + 00:45 Adderall: 10 mg insufflated
<br>
T + 10:15 Kratom [Red Vein Borneo]: 3 grams oral
<br>
T + 11:35 kratom [Red Vein Borneo]: 2.5 grams oral
<br>
Day 9/30: T + 00:00 lisdexamfetamine: 60 mg oral
<br>
Day 10/30: T + 00:00 lisdexamfetamine: 30 m oral
<br>
T + 02:18 2-FMA 5 mg insufflated
<br>
T + 02:40 2-FMA 5 mg insufflated
<br>
Day 11/30: Off Day
<br>
Day 12/30: Off Day
<br>
Day 13/30: T + 00:00 4F-MPH: 20 mg insufflated
<br>
T + 01:15 2-FMA: 15 mg insufflated
<br>
Day 14/30: T + 00:00 LSD: 9.5 ug oral
<br>
T + 00:00 lisdexamfetamine: 60 mg oral
<br>
Day 15/30: Off Day
<br>
Day 16/30: T + 00:00 2-FMA: 21 mg oral
<br>
Day 17/30: Off Day
<br>
Day 18/30: Off Day
<br>
Day 19/30: T + 00:00 Adderall: 7.5 mg oral
<br>
Day 20/30: T + 00:00 dextroamphetamine: 10 mg oral
<br>
T + 00:20 2-FMA: 8 mg insufflated
<br>
Day 21/30: T + 00:00 methylphenidate: 10 mg oral
<br>
Day 22/30: T + 00:00 Coffee: 1.5 mugs
<br>
T + 01:15 Coffee: 1 mug
<br>
Day 23/30: Off Day
<br>
Day 24/30: T + 00:00 Coffee: 1 mug
<br>
T + 00:39 2-FMA: 18 mg oral
<br>
Day 25/30: Off Day
<br>
Day 26/30: T + 00:00 2-FMA: 10 mg oral
<br>
T + 00:00 dextroamphetamine: 5 mg oral
<br>
T + 00:01 dextroamphetamine: 5 mg insufflated
<br>
Day 27/30: T + 00:00 2-FMA: 16 mg oral
<br>
T + 04:25 3-FA: 20 mg insufflated
<br>
T + 07:36 3-FA: 29 mg insufflated
<br>
T + 08:22 3-FA: 48 mg insufflated
<br>
Day 28/30: Off Day
<br>
Day 29/30: Off Day
<br>
Day 30/30: T + 00:00 3-FA 14 mg insufflated
<br>
T + 03:01 3-FA 18 mg insufflated
<br>
<br>
<b>Expectations | Hopes | Concerns Going In</b>
<br>
<br>
Having given myself complete liberty to do whatever substances, in whatever dosages I wanted, to enhance my performance at work; I expected this to be a fucking good month. I hoped I would be able to pick and choose substances and dosages that fit my tasks for the day. During each of the proceeding month-long experimentations with a single substance my most common complaint was that my day-to-day experience at work was more dynamic than the substances. By this I mean that there were plenty of occasions where I wished I could have taken an amphetamine, but didn’t because it was LSD month, or vice versa <div class="pullquote-right1"><div class="pullquote-text">there were plenty of occasions where I wished I could have taken an amphetamine, but didn’t because it was LSD month, or vice versa</div></div>. Being in complete control to tailor fit my needs and mood with whatever combination of substances I thought would produce the best results and be the most enjoyable was an exciting prospect as I began this month. This all being said, I had concerns of overdoing dosages and combinations and finding myself geeked out in a meeting or unplanned presentation. It had been a long time since I had taken some of these substances and I was admittedly a bit nervous about getting my dosages dialed in to produce the desired effects each day. There are a lot of substances I take less of now, in terms of dosage, than I used to, generally speaking. So I had the other side of the coin to worry about as well; I didn’t want to waste half the month being underwhelmed. Finding each substance’s balance in solo and in combo was something I hoped to achieve quickly. I also knew I’d have cross tolerances to take into consideration, making the perfect dosage an interesting, ever-moving target.
<br>
<br>
<b>Favorite Aspects</b>
<br>
<br>
Obviously the flexibility of selecting a performance enhancing substance was a nice change from the past year during which I was working on the rest of this report series where I was sticking with one drug for the entirety of the month. Also, because this was the grande finale of the project, I was always a little extra excited to tinker with combinations and push the limits in terms of dosages in the work setting. One result of slightly aggressive dosages, was realizing that I’ve been a little nervous and cautious with some of my stimulant doses lately.
<br>
<br>
There was one day where I took relatively high amount of lisdexamfetamine and mid-day decided to take things up a notch. I had finished all the day’s deliverables and only had a few hours of the workday remaining. I was high, feeling as though nothing could go wrong, with a body that felt efficient and strong. About thirty minutes after adding dextroamphetamine to the mix, I realized I was fucked up; I was high, not feeling very well, and wondering why I chose to do this? I felt good before, why ruin that? I decided to add a very small amount of etizolam [.5mg oral] and let this settle in while I took a short walk outside. By the time I was home, I felt back at 100% and had a euphoric and productive evening.
<br>
<br>
This is an excellent example of using a variety of tools to course-correct an experience that is starting to head off the rails. It was enlightening to leverage my mind, my environment, and a substance, all in unison, to bring the experience back to a positive place. Too often these days I douse an unpleasant or too intense experience with hefty benzos. Sure, there is a time and a place for this, I’m not the intrepid explorer I once was in some ways, but this was a lovely reminder that there are many methods for dealing with a challenging experience including exercise, a change in setting, fresh air, and additional helper substances.
<br>
<br>
In terms of pure, absolute, “favorite” parts of the month, I really enjoyed layering 2-FMA and dextroamphetamine in small dosages in combination with each other. Doses around five insufflated milligrams per substance taken every few hours, gave me me a playful back and forth during which I sometimes felt my drive and motivation to work beginning to wane, and then I was gifted with euphoric stimulant energy roaring back, allowing me to crank through chores at the house or little bursts of writing that served as a break from the non-stop financial related work content. This combo was just friendly, it did what I love most about amphetamines; make being productive enjoyable and fun, resulting in more desire to do work, and thus more fun being had! Tickling euphoria while accomplishing things that must get done and feeling extra good about doing them? Yes please.
<br>
<br>
<b>Least Favorite Aspects</b> Any parts of this month that were disappointing were a direct result of substance administration choices for which I was the responsible party. With my new-found, slightly aggressive, dosing attitude, I’d have expected more issues to highlight in this section. Looking at each day as a stand-alone experience, I had essentially no instances of complete discomfort or challenges. Almost every substance, excluding kratom, that I ingested during this month, catalyzed bowel movements shortly after ingestion [T + 00:00 – T +01:00]. Given my entirely work from home situation, this wasn’t ever much more than an inconvenience; I tried to scheduling meetings whenever possible to fit this predictable, but required, bio-break. I actually think that the variety helped reduce anxiety about altering my state so regularly. It naturally felt more comfortable to be selecting my substances in a tailored fashion; designed on the spot to fit my schedule, mood, and needs.
<br>
<br>
<b>Neutral Aspects | Additional Commentary</b>
<br>
<br>
Taking a variety of substances, despite being desired, well thought out, and premeditated, still took a physical and mental toll on me. Until the dose of the day kicked in, I was often tired in the mornings. Physically, I’d trudge around the house, requiring extra effort to swing my legs over the side of the bed each morning. Standing upright and maneuvering from room to room for my morning chores and routine often felt exhausting. Emotionally I felt blank. After managing to get to my feet and into a shower, I would slowly begin to come to life. I began to make emails my first task most days. Well, second task if you count weighing out my daily dose. Emotionally, the dullness wore off quickly, even before the day’s substances fully kicked in. Feeling dumpy most mornings was not terribly enjoyable, but it never discouraged me from skipping a dosing day.
<br>
<br>
<b>Appetite</b>
<br>
<br>
I generally am not a big breakfast eater. A sober morning usually involves a banana and a few glasses of water. During this specific month, I kept with this routine, wanting hydration to begin as soon as possible, and I liked having a little something in my stomach, especially for any oral dosages. Lunch often became delayed until it became dinner. Most of the substances I ingested suppressed my appetite significantly enough to make a mid-day meal seem unnecessary. On days where I re-dosed mid-day or took larger than average dosages, I didn’t even bother with a snack, only consuming water throughout the workday. By evening, things went one of two ways. Scenario number one played out with me becoming ravenous at the first taste of food. On several occasions I had finished my second serving before my partner Kai had finished her first. The second scenario was that I mustered up a peckish appetite at best, and choked down half a serving just because I knew I needed the sustenance.
<br>
<br>
<b>Biometrics</b>
<br>
<br>
- Starting weight: 199 pounds
<br>
<br>
- Ending weight: 194 pounds * not related
<br>
<br>
- Heart Rate Notes: I paid a lot of attention to my heart rate and breathing patterns during this month of ‘anything goes’. Throughout the variety of substances and dosages, I never experienced any cardiac concerns. The most intense effects were, as expected, on higher dosages, particularly on days when I was mixing substances. I didn’t limit my daily exercise routine, which is fairly minimal already, and at most I saw my peak heart rates increase roughly 20% on average during cardio activities. I never documented any irregular heart beat patterns or felt that the pace was cause for concern. My resting heart rate averaged an increase of 5-10 beats per minute when compared to a sober state.
<br>
<br>
- Sexual Effects: The stimulants increased my libido as a general rule. The higher the dosage, regardless of substance, the more intense this was. At low dosages, dextroamphetamine and 2-FMA were more sexual than the other substances. Performance and tactile sensitivity were enhanced in a similar fashion; higher dosages resulted in more sensitivity and enjoyment from intimate activities.
<br>
<br>
- Sleep Effects: The lisdexamfetamine was the worst offender when it came to a single morning dosage giving me issues with attempting to sleep that night. <div class="pullquote-right1"><div class="pullquote-text">The lisdexamfetamine was the worst offender when it came to a single morning dosage giving me issues with attempting to sleep that night.</div></div> The fluctuating pulsating energy of this chemical pinged me every hour or so with a fresh zing of effects. This was brilliant most days, but when they continued, and continued, and continued into the evening, they could become problematic. Other stimulants offered more temptation for re-dosing, which if acted upon, naturally didn’t encourage me to be asleep by a normal hour. Dextroamphetamine was my number one culprit for this creeping desire to take a second or third dose. I attribute this to the prominent beautiful physical feelings I often encountered on the drug. It felt very recreational, with a strong mental and physical components that nearly always felt good. To remain in a strictly performance-enhancing realm with dextroamphetamine, I had to dose pretty small. Usually five, or perhaps ten milligrams orally. Above this and I’d most certainly be feeling divine, in control, but in an increased state of intoxication. In the end, if I made specific choices, I could avoid issues with all of this months substance use interfering with my sleep. I didn’t always make those choices, but the option was there if I needed or wanted it.
<br>
<br>
<b>Mental Effects</b>
<br>
<br>
- Creativity: Given that a lot of this month focused on stimulants, I never felt like I was being gifted with different viewpoints or innovative mental capabilities. The pure stimulants had benefits in other areas of mental enhancement. Almost by default, LSD would clearly be the substance that rated highest in terms of enhanced creativity. While I welcomed this, and selected LSD for this specific reason during my free-for-all month, I only did so when I was very comfortable with my work schedule in order to make mini-dosing worth the risk of facing the potential downsides to this substance. The increased creativity was fluid and natural feeling, I’d be working through a technical mathematics and computer-based challenge, and suddenly have forward vision that allowed me to see errors or inefficiencies in my solutions sooner than normal. The result was more efficient paths to solutions, not having to complete an attempt before I realized its drawbacks. When this type of thought process was happening, I didn’t typically realize it until I had completed the task and upon reflection realized how smooth the flow of ideas has been.
<br>
<br>
- Focus: Each substance taken during this particular month offered enhanced focus of some kind. The majority held major similarities at a high level: a faster paced mind, motivation to charge at tasks with a positive attitude and unusual amount of interest, and an ability to put the axe to the grindstone for longer periods of time than I could sober.
<br>
<br>
Subtleties and unique flavors existed between the stimulating materials. I’ll try and give brief commentary on these nuances now:
<br>
<br>
I. Dextroamphetamine: Pure, raw, and reliable. If I’d never taken an amphetamine or stimulant before, this is probably what I would expect the experience to be like. An onset marked by a light physical rushing and a twinkling blissful mood, the combination of which would manifest as a wide grin on my face. Pulsing euphoria in my limbs and abdomen, accompanied by a outgoing cheeriness, allowed me to talk empathetically to coworkers. In several instances I was able to make a stressed out colleague laugh, brightening their day. Doing this made me feel kind, authentic, and clever. I had confidence and it felt earned. Beyond the occasional cheering up of fellow teammates, was the focus. A razor sharp concentration that wouldn’t quit. I could read, comprehend, and retain massive amounts of text and information. This ability was not only exceptionally useful, boosting my productivity significantly, but I also ate up whatever I was working on. Work became <i>fun</i>; not hitting a mid-day lull of energy, losing a morning’s motivation, and being faster while thinking, all made for enjoyable productive days.
<br>
<br>
This substance sometimes felt too recreational, but I also never gave my body the chance to learn how to properly dance with it as I did some other substances that got full month-long dosage schedules. I wanted to include it in this final ‘anything-goes’ month because it has historically been one of my favorite stimulants that did have the ability to let me crank through long writing or study assignments, and then seamlessly transition into a party evening. This was more commonly done and appreciated when I was younger than at the time of this writing. As the mullet is to haircuts, dextroamphetamine is to stimulants; business on one side and party on the other. Yes this substance had the ability to make me focus and stay on task all day long, but it could do so while giving me a nice little mental and physical buzz. If I wanted to turn things up a notch, I didn’t have to switch substances necessarily, I could just up my dosage and carry on.
<br>
<br>
II. 2-FMA: The focal ability provided by this substance was my favorite. Maybe not the most immersive and intense, maybe not the longest lasting, but, it was controllable and malleable. I could start small and then adjust according to my schedule, set, and setting using calculated routes of administration and dosages. This quickly earned the nickname of the ‘wonder-drug” between my partner Kai and me. When shit had to get done, a variety of shit; physical tasks, mental tasks, projects that had been procrastinated on - this was the substance to take. Somehow I always achieved my goals, didn’t feel overly concentrated or uncomfortable, and managed to get a few things done off the next day's “to-do” list in addition to completing the present day’s tasks. All of this was done in a good mood, enjoying every bit of everything.
<br>
<br>
III. Amphetamines (Adderall): The descriptive words here were ‘hot’ and ‘heavy’. Sometimes my mind’s focus wandered away from the task at hand and I’d look up to find myself deep in a rabbit hole completely unrelated to what I was originally working on. While it lacked precision, this substance had an unbelievable ability to make me interested in <i>whatever</i> I was concentrating on. Unfortunately with this great power came the chance that I turned on the focus superpower to something besides work or things I needed to get done. I’d dominate whatever I was sidetracked on, but this caused issues at work at least one day where I got almost no work done, resulting in extra stress through the subsequent days as I has to make up for the lost time. In the end, I found the Adderall to be hit or miss – I smashed my work tasks in grand fashion while in an excellent mood, crossing the finish line at the end of a work day feeling like a king. Or annoyed from feeling clammy and cold all day, behind schedule from letting the Adderall’s focus drift off track, hungry, and disappointed with the results of attempting to enhance my work performance.
<br>
<br>
IV. Lisdexamfetamine: This substance generally made me feel the least “speedy” of all the other stimulants. It felt sparkly and friendly, like the mood I get automatically on the first warm sunny days of spring after a long cold winter. <div class="pullquote-right1"><div class="pullquote-text">Lisdexamfetamine: This substance generally made me feel the least “speedy” of all the other stimulants. It felt sparkly and friendly, like the mood I get automatically on the first warm sunny days of spring after a long cold winter.</div></div> Energy levels and my ability to focus were absolutely extended. This substance had the longest duration by milligram of any of the stimulants I took during this month. The focus felt different than the others, more like a good book that kept drawing me in for one more page, one more chapter. The focus felt delicate at first, but clearly had power and depth to it. A comparison from one day’s notes described dextroamphetamine and Adderall as a pumping techno song that forced my body to stomp and dance along, while in contrast, lisdexamfetamine was a delicate symphony that seduced me onto the dance floor. Despite feeling elective and softer than some other substances, lisdexamfetamine certainly had plenty of firepower.
<br>
<br>
V. Methylphenidate: The tofu of the group. Not in a necessarily good or bad way; sometimes light and malleable was good, sometimes it lacked the punch I desired. This material provided significant focus enhancement with less risk of overstimulation, paranoia, or general discomfort. This was a great substance for a small but effective increase in productivity. If dosages were increased, it had the ability to deliver wide-eyes, sweaty body, and a racing mind. I found if I pushed to this level that I was likely to become distracted and use the extra energy on whatever random idea, topics, or project popped into my head. To maintain the amount of control I preferred, smaller amounts of the substance were required. I could lock into tasks much more easily than if I was sober and could keep my concentration fixed with ease.
<br>
<br>
VI. 4F-MPH: This substance didn’t offer significant enhancement when it came to my ability to focus. There was neither an acute improvement nor a serious elongation to the amount of time that I could keep my mind on a single idea or topic. The only thing remotely akin to an upgrade in this mental capacity was the 4F-MPH making me alert or awake for extended periods of time. From morning grogginess to evening lackadaisicalness; this substance had the ability to abolish feelings of tiredness. Lack of sleep can negatively impact my ability to mentally perform but this substance could allow me to feel awake and clear-headed despite too few hours of shut-eye.
<br>
<br>
- Social Effects: All of the stimulants made me want to converse more than when I’m sober. To my partner Kai, to friends online, to anyone! A presentation of this that I like to track as a comparing measure between substances is how much I felt a potential to gush and share information I wouldn’t have sober. Dosage, among other factors, played a roll in the following commentary, but even at lower amounts, some substances certainly exhibited this trait more naturally than others. The list below begins with the substances that made me the most naturally loose-lipped substances, down to the ones I felt most controllable in this regard.
<br>
<br>
I. Dextroamphetamine: I’d talk to anyone, store clerk, stranger on the sidewalk, best friend, etc., especially at the peak of the experience; I got chatty!
<br>
<br>
II. Amphetamines (Adderall): I became more focussed on intimate topics with friends I already knew well, but on higher dosages, I would open up and reach out to fringe friends and strangers.
<br>
<br>
. 2-FMA: Typically the conversation was fast, smooth, and of good quality, usually limited to my inner circle of friends. If they were unavailable, I was able to ignore the social impulse to connect with others, and wouldn’t feel that I was depriving myself of a part of the experience.
<br>
<br>
IV. Lisdexamfetamine: I'd switch from introspective moods where I was just internally conversing with myself, back out to an increased desire to speak to anyone around. This felt more like being in an excellent mood and the upbeat-ness caused me to feel talkative, rather than obviously being a reaction to having eaten a chemical. The focus offered by lisdexamfetamine was powerful, especially at higher dosages, but I often enjoyed taking smaller amounts, which resulted in this positive mood along with the ability to stay attentive and energized for a full day. This substance was a great one to begin the day with and have the option of upgrading the intensity by adding a short-duration drug in combination with it.
<br>
<br>
V. Methylphenidate: This fell in the middle of the substances described above. Compared to a completely sober version of myself, I would probably dart my eyes around a store a bit faster, finding eyes of strangers to meet and initiating a friendly greeting or quick interaction. I wouldn’t, especially on low or medium dosages, describe my desire for social interaction as incredibly strong. It didn't get to a craving level where I’d reach out to people I wasn’t familiar with about topics that I shouldn’t discuss outside my close circle of friends.
<br>
<br>
VI. 4F-MPH: Being the stimulant that I found the most bland overall, 4F-MPH didn’t really do much for me beyond offering extra energy. I felt little to no extra desire to spark up a conversation with a co-worker or even with Kai, who often works at the desk directly beside me.
<br>
<br>
VII. LSD: This was the substance I usually chose for days when I <i>wasn’t</i> interacting with people at work. Although I didn’t ever have a negative experience from mini-dosing LSD, my biggest fear was embarrassing myself while suffering from psychedelic confusion or poor memory recall. There was potential for increased emotional openness, during which social interactions could be enhanced by a sense that I was doing a better job listening and relating to whomever I was speaking with. These occurrences seemed infrequent and random. Typically they were not work-related conversations, but rather with friends through <!-- a text based chat application-->text or with Kai in person.
<br>
<br>
Please note that this order could change drastically depending on the dosage I took, the mental state I was in, and the setting for the day. Given my extensive experience with these substances I feel this list is accurate, as much as such a subjective ‘average day’ type ranking could be.
<br>
<br>
<b>Mood Effects</b>
<br>
<br>
<!-- A few quick blurbs about each substance:
<br/>
<br/>
-->I. Dextroamphetamine: This was, on average, the most euphoric of all the substances this month. Feeling good physically translated into feeling good mentally. I had to be careful to not get compulsive with this material. If I didn’t exercise reasonable control, I could find myself ignoring work, turning to passion projects instead, or feeling uncomfortably stimulated, which even in a Zoom meeting, could easily become very unpleasant if I had to actively participate. When kept in a dosage range that avoided feeling overwhelmed, dextroamphetamine usually kept a big smile on my face. I was more empathetic, upbeat, and just generally happier to be alive than on a sober day or a day spent on one of the other substances. I didn’t feel that the drug amplified my existing emotions or mood – it had its own positivity that it forced onto me. It could turn a sour mood around and compel a feeling of happiness.
<br>
<br>
II. Amphetamines (Adderall): This substance could swing my mood in any direction. I found it more of a mood magnifier than something to catalyze a good mood. If I was really stressed out or sad, these emotions wouldn’t necessarily be erased and replaced by more positive ones. I didn’t think of this as a negative characteristic of the substance. Sometimes being sad is what I needed to be, and the Adderall would enhance the sadness, making me a little more capable of accepting and exploring my natural emotions. If my mood was entirely net neutral when the experience began, this substance would push me in a positive and cheery direction, but this typically wasn’t powerful, unless the dosage was towards the higher end of my ‘study aid’ spectrum.
<br>
<br>
III. 2-FMA: Similar to how I described Adderall above as an intensifier, I found 2-FMA to have a similar action but with a bit more positivity built into it. The mood enhancement was natural and almost hidden in the background, never feeling overtly synthetic or in my face. Work was more enjoyable on this substance; finishing tasks was extra satisfying. Productivity was rewarded with a terrific boost to my mood. As the first few items were checked of my to-do list, I became increasingly motivated to get through the next ones; the cycle began. The desire to work and the accompanying atmosphere of mental positivity that resulted as tasks were I completed, felt legitimately self generated. How natural the effects felt was really key in allowing myself to fully let go and let the relaxed mood carry me through the productivity → positivity cycle. This underlying good mood would continued to be spurred on by each accomplishment of the day, large or small. This would continue until tasks naturally dropped off as the work day ended. As this happened, I might switch to productive tasks, but regardless, I never felt dried up and haggard. The satisfaction of a day spent in a positive mood and fully completed list of to-dos, always felt “good”.
<br>
<br>
IV. Lisdexamfetamine: This shit was bright and sparkly. I never had any sort of emotional issues or challenges stemming from the ingestion of this substance. The duration, being the longest of all the substances included in this free-for-all month, was cause for concern; if things went astray, I didn’t want to be in a bad mental place for hours and hours and hours. I dosed accordingly, always staying relatively conservative. As a result of this, I didn’t tap into the full potential of the substance to crank my positivity, generosity, and overall happiness. I know this potential exists from previous high-dosage experiences, which I had thoroughly enjoyed. These were always in a non-work setting however, and so despite lisdexamfetamine being capable of powerful temperamental improvements, I didn’t take full advantage of this given my setting and goals for using the substance this month, which were primarily aimed at enhancing my productivity at work. Even with my doses staying somewhat low, the sunny disposition of the chemical was noted every time I took it.
<br>
<br>
V. Methylphenidate: Being one of the my least favorite substances of the month, this didn’t really enhance my mood significantly. I often felt jittery and like the energy and effects of this material weren’t “clean”; they seemingly didn’t interact with my body well. Feeling uncomfortable and like I was waiting for the experience to end would lead to me to say methylphenidate pushed me into crabby moods with a shorter temper than normal. This was more a reaction to the uncomfortable or displeasing other effects though, rather than the substance itself making me irritable. I was irritated by the <i>other</i> effects of the substance.
<br>
<br>
VI. 4F-MPH: This drug often disappointed me with its lack of efficiency in helping boost my productivity. Disappointment didn’t ever lead me to a great mood, but it also didn’t spiral into severe or negativity. Looking back, I didn’t have much to say about 4F-MPH having a specific or consistent manner in which it affected my mood. I was able to experience a full spectrum of emotions while on this substance, never feeling blocked, restricted, or guided in any particular direction.
<br>
<br>
VII. LSD: LSD didn’t have a very strong effect on my mood compared to the other substances. I was also dosing this significantly lower, in terms of possible intensity, than any of the others. I was nowhere near a full-fledged LSD experience, obviously that wouldn’t have fallen in line with my intentions of improving my working abilities. With the stimulants though, I could pretty much give them full-blown dosages given that many of them are commonly used or were even designed for this purpose. Overall, I felt some extra positivity on my LSD days, and I absolutely felt it was easier to take a step back, relax, and not get upset with myself. A calmer, less hectic mind was the typical result of these momentary pauses. On one of my LSD days, I got some unexpected bad news from the vet about my dog Doc’s health. I’ve typically found that in higher doses LSD will take my emotions and multiply them. With these mini-doses however, I seem less susceptible to this type of effect. Once again, the pausing and reflecting was a useful tool in controlling my emotions and mood. In this example, the deep breath moment allowed me to react to the news with a holistic view. In the end, I actually felt appreciation for Doc and my relationship with him. The sadness didn’t disappear, but my mood wasn’t derailed like it might have been on a few hundred micrograms.
<br>
<br>
<b>Physical Effects</b>
<br>
<br>
Once again; a lot of similarities between some of the substances, but for the sake of organization, digestibility, and data quality with as much brevity as possible, I’ll continue using the above formatting to address each substance used this month.
<br>
<br>
I. Dextroamphetamine: The most pleasant and the most powerful, by milligram, in the physical effects department. I remember the first time I took a recreational dose of this substance years ago I was flabbergasted at how powerful it was. I compared it to MDMA, but I didn’t have a veteran’s amphetamine flavor palate at that time. Even at the dosages I used during this month of performance enhancing, I loved the soothing movement of energy that ran through my core and limbs, almost like I could feel my blood circulating positive energy through me. The euphoric feelings helped mask the cold feet, and the annoyance of developing a light sweat, the sweat drying, me getting cold, changing clothes, and repeating the cycle, like what happened on a lot of the other substances during this month.
<br>
<br>
I. Amphetamines (Adderall): This was the substance I complained the most amount in regards to the physical effects it brought about. Beginning at low dosages, and becoming increasingly problematic were bruxism, poor circulation, and digestive disruption. A sore jaw is much less justifiable after a standard work day when compared to a day at a festival or a night of dancing. The inability to regulate my body’s temperature was annoying throughout the day. Cycles of sweating and cooling were irritating to no end. Extra trips to the bathroom and some cramp-like discomfort were not uncommon for me while taking this drug.
<br>
<br>
III. 2-FMA: I didn’t feel much from this substance in my body. It subtly hinted at the positive and negative effects I’ve described in the two substances above this, but typically never more than a hint. Of course, if dosage was pushed, these things would develop, but this substance was more mood and mind oriented for me. This was one of the reasons I really enjoyed it as a tool that allowed a large step up in mental abilities without having to deal with appetite, digestion, or even a body load. It did lack some of the “fun factor” that some of the other substances offered, but forgoing this knowing that there would be little to no physical discomfort was a trade I was happy to make.
<br>
<br>
IV. Lisdexamfetamine: This substance’s physical effects were difficult to summarize. Some effects were only documented once, others more often; the patterns and commonalities were not as easy to recognize as with some other similar chemicals. I noted the manifestation of effects in my physical body rather than the root effects themselves. I never felt anxious energy, but my fingers would suddenly be tapping incessantly. I naturally pace when speaking on the phone, but holy cow; I should enter a marathon or speed-walking event on lisdexamfetamine and a long phone call. My breath felt normal, sometimes more balanced than when sober. With soothing “ins and outs”, I often paused to recognize that my muscles and ligaments felt relaxed and loose. This is a unique characteristic that I didn’t find consistently present in other stimulants.
<br>
<br>
V. Methylphenidate: I founds a lot of common ground between Adderall and methylphenidate. Upset stomach, issues regulating my body temperature, and an underlying feeling of unrest that I couldn’t quite put my finger on. These were not offset with as many positives as Adderall however. At higher dosages, Adderall was able to offer a light glowing stimulant body high. I didn’t find this with methylphenidate although in fairness I never pushed the dosage on this substance as high during this month of experimentation.
<br>
<br>
VI. 4F-MPH: This substance didn’t have any of the common physical stimulant effects. I never complained about chilly feet or fingers. There was no instant trip to the bathroom for a bowel movement after ingesting it. While these are positives, there also was no warm euphoria or fun physical effects either. Additionally, this substance was bland across almost all effect categories, so I wasn’t getting mental performance with little physical effects, I was just getting very little in general.
<br>
<br>
VII. LSD: The physical effects of these small dosages were pretty minimal. I could feel a light swirling sensation in my brain along with tiny zips and zaps that zoomed around my scalp and down my spine, like goosebumps on sunburnt skin being kissed by a cool breeze. A light body load was present on higher doses. This would feel like a sponginess in my muscles, minuscule expanding and shrinking throughout my innards. I usually noticed these things towards the end of the come-up period and through the beginning of the peak. Once on the come-down, I felt normal from a physical perspective.
<br>
<br>
<b>Combinations</b>
<br>
<br>
- Cannabis: This was a substance I combined in earnest with just about all the main substances of each day. Most of the stimulants reacted the same way to the addition of cannabis so I’ll address them as a group. Immediately after the vaporization of a cannabis oil product, which was almost always my chosen delivery method and substance form, I would feel a rush of effects come on. This onset was far faster than if I was sober and presented very different effects. I didn’t have any haziness, or the classic “stoned” head high. Instead, I blushed and rushed. I would lean my head back and stretch my toes out as far as they would reach underneath my desk. The euphoric rush was a fast and furious escalation to the effects of the stimulants. The initial blast lasted between thirty seconds and several minutes depending on the cannabis dosage. After this, I’d usually have about thirty minutes of increased focus, energy, physical euphoria, or positive moods; whatever I was feeling from the prominent substance of the day was amplified.
<br>
<br>
- LSD and cannabis was not something I particularly enjoyed together. I dosed the LSD in specific miniature amounts that would get me the effects I desired but kept me well below the level where I perceived a risk of tripping too hard to function at work. This was a major concern for me, given my rocky past with LSD. Cannabis has always been a big-time launch pad, a trampoline for effects of just about all psychedelics I’ve taken. Knowing this, I wasn’t ever keen to see how high the trampoline bounce was during a work day. Even if I didn’t overdo it – I was paranoid that things were going to get uncomfortable.
<br>
<br>
- Kratom and coffee had minimal synergies when combined with cannabis. The cannabis, especially in medium or large doses, would overpower the coffee. It never played together. Despite various strains, I wasn’t ever able to get any of the cannabis's energy to mesh with the mild caffeine stimulation from the bean juice. The kratom interacted a little more with the cannabis, most often when the kratom dosage was on the higher side; four or more grams in a single go or one of the instances where I continue to re-dose several grams over and over again. Smaller kratom doses were overtaken by the cannabis, leaving me with the classic effects. If I was able to detect the two working in unison, it wasn’t fantastic for a working environment where I was trying to be productive. My brain would feel empty and my body lazy. This was an enjoyable state to be in, but not well-suited for the middle of a busy work-day.
<br>
<br>
- Alcohol: Surprisingly, I didn’t enjoy alcohol with most of these substances as much as I enjoy it on its own. Just about all of the stimulants made it so that I could consume more alcohol than normal, while receiving less of the fun effects. <div class="pullquote-right1"><div class="pullquote-text">Surprisingly, I didn’t enjoy alcohol with most of these substances as much as I enjoy it on its own. Just about all of the stimulants made it so that I could consume more alcohol than normal, while receiving less of the fun effects.</div></div> So less effects, more financial cost, and typically a worse hangover in the morning? Not much to love there.
<br>
<br>
- Ketamine: I didn’t ever take ketamine while still heavily under the influence of one of the month’s primary substances. I’ve done so many times in the past, but I didn’t during this month because I was generally facing a work-day the next morning. Re-dosing a stimulant late at night just for the sake of commentary on the combo during this experimental month wasn’t something I found too attractive. From the slight overlap in effects I <i>did</i> experience, and drawing slightly on previous experiences, I can offer a few basic comments.
<br>
<br>
The onset of the ketamine, both racemic and esketamine, was delayed. On a graph showing the intensity of effects over time, the curve was stretched in a way that could make booster dosage tricky because I might be led to believe additional dissociatives were required, due to a lower intensity of effects at a given time that I might expect a stronger experience than I was receiving. Then, the curve on the chart would swing large and steep; strong effects coming increasingly rapidly once they began. This was an easy way to wind up in an unexpected or unintentional k-hole. If the stimulation was getting close to baseline by the time the ketamine was insufflated, the extremity of the elongated come-up and quasi-unexpected intensification were significantly lessened.
<br>
<br>
I was a little more physically mobile and chatty as the ketamine came on compared to a sober experience with this same substance. This was most obvious when I reached the difficulties of turning ideas into words into sentences. I wouldn't take the natural clue and shut-up, I’d suffer through some awkward attempts before realizing it was time to turn my attention inwards, away from the outside world.
<br>
<br>
- Benzodiazepines: Benzos were critical for me during this free-for-all month. I was more aggressively dosing stimulants than I was in their individual month’s of study and often layered multiple substances on top of each other in combinations. On one occasion I hadn’t eaten or hydrated enough and was beginning to feel paranoid and physically uncomfortable as I descending from the peak of that particular day. Knowing that I had benzos available to put on their superhero cape and come to the rescue in a poorly timed or aggressive dose decision calmed me down no matter what level of stimulation I was at; it was a huge comfort. Likewise, I knew I’d always be able to sleep even if I dosed too late in the day with something that would keep me awake without my helper substances. On an even more positive note, a light benzo dosage [Ex. .25-1 milligrams of Etizolam or 85 micrograms of clonazolam] taken in the morning along with stimulants across the month; this was, the way. to. go. By the time both substances came to their peak, I would be zooming along with the sharpened focus of the stimulant but in a more controlled state of mind. Some of the hectic racing in my mind would be eased, allowing me to fully utilize the performance and mood enhancement from the stims, without some of the pesky annoyances that typically come along with them. Taking the edge off with this combination really made for a smooth riding day; I would feel the way that I dream about – a great version of myself that’s positive, friendly, and energized.
<br>
<br>
- Other Euphoric Stimulants [MDMA and 4-FA]: These combinations where usually stacked on the middle to tail-end of another stimulant. Due to its blandness, 4F-MPH was likelier to make me feel like seeking out the beating rush of a more euphoric upper. This substance was a catalyst for the decision to re-dose a combo, but was always washed over immediately by the secondary drug. I did find cross-tolerance between MDMA, which I took via insufflation, and the other daily stimulants I was taking throughout the month. I felt under-dosed by about 25% and had to boost my initial MDMA intake with a second dose. The duration of the secondary euphoric stimulants was increased due to the combinations, but I didn’t find a lot of interaction between the effects of each material.
<br>
<br>
- Oxycodone: There were a handful of consecutive days were I took oxycodone in the evenings after an early morning stimulant. I was unable to detect any interaction between the substances. The opioid was just as sedating as I’d normally expect, and I didn't experience any extra energy outside of the pain-killer’s high. As the glowing euphoria came on, the lingering alertness and stimulation from the morning ingestion was slowly and fluidly wiped away, eventually to be replaced by a standard oxycodone experience. The onset felt just slightly delayed compared to starting from a pure baseline. I expect this is because it took a bit of extra time for the relaxation to get on top of any remaining ± level stimulation.
<br>
<br>
<b>Outcome | Summary | Takeaways</b>
<br>
<br>
This was fun – but tiring. If it hadn’t been for the sake of this report I would’ve taken far more “off days” than I did. The beginning of the month was particularly grueling, each morning’s dose seeming less enticing than the one of the day before. Somewhere around the beginning of the second week, I began to hit my stride and become used to both the good and bad effects of the substances. Sure I might be extra tired in the morning or feeling haggard from slightly less than optimal eating habits, but I knew these feelings were fleeting and well worth the increased mental accuracy and concentration I would get to enjoy for the rest of the day once I forced back a capsule, line of powder, pill, or bit of bitter liquid.
<br>
<br>
I did find that by tailoring my substance and dose to my schedule was a much more pleasurable experience than taking the same exact thing every day, as I did during the rest of this report series. When the workload was heavy, I had the freedom to start small and then crank things up, or just go heavy right off the bat. If the day looked like I’d be attending a lot of meetings, but without a lot of hands on to-do items, I’d choose a little LSD and one of the lighter handed stimulants like lisdexamfetamine to enhance my emotional and social abilities, rather than a strong handed dose of Adderall that was better suited for a day when I wouldn’t be speaking to anyone, buried in an Excel file. Most of the time, my choices and predictions worked out pretty well. On the few occasions I wish I’d been a bit less stimmed up than I was, but I found it easier than expected to adapt and calm my mind by either talking myself down, or taking a small dose of benzos.
<br>
<br>
I do of course have the liberty to continue using any substance I see fit; but this turned out to be a little much. I found the mental wear and tear of the frequent stimulant usage to be taxing. Of course I loved having the house extra clean, work assignments done faster, and energy to do additional chores when I normally wouldn’t. Balance however, seems to come naturally to me when stimulants are involved. Especially as I get older, I seem more keenly aware of the unique type of tired my mind and body gets after extended or regular usage. It’s like a head cold is coming on, or the second morning of a two-day alcohol hangover; dreary, tired, and frail. A day or two off was usually plenty to get me rearing and ready to go again. After settling into the month, which took a few weeks, I didn’t have this tired feeling for about ten days. After that, it returned and remained until the end of the month.
<br>
<br>
In the end, this was the most productive and enjoyable month of my entire “performance enhancement at work/life” exercise. I’ll continue a dialed down version of this, most likely, for the rest of my life. I absolutely found my existing beliefs to be true, even when studied in greater durations and detail, that substance use can make a significant and positive impact on my professional and personal life. Harnessing and practicing the art of delicate and appropriate dosing seem to be key to my success in this part of life.<!-- End Body -->
<br><br style="clear:both;">
<table border="0" cellpadding="5" cellspacing="0" class="footdata">
<tr><td width="700">Exp Year: 2021</td><td width="90">ExpID: 115538</td></tr>
<tr><td>Gender: Male</td><td> </td></tr>
<tr><td>Age at time of experience: 30</td><td> </td></tr>
<tr><td>Published: Aug 5, 2021</td><td>Views: 13,040</td></tr>
<tr><td colspan="2" align="center">[ <a href="exp.php?ID=115538&amp;format=pdf" type="text/pdf">View as PDF (for printing)</a> ] [ <a href="exp_pdf.php?ID=115538&amp;format=latex">View as LaTeX (for geeks)</a> ]
[ <a href="#" onclick="expChangeColors(); return false;">Switch Colors</a> ]
</td></tr>
<tr><td colspan="2">2-Fluoromethamphetamine (668), Lisdexamfetamine (589), Amphetamines (6), Coffee (173), Kratom (203), Pharms - Methylphenidate (114), 3-Fluoroamphetamine (680), LSD (2) : Not Applicable (38), Performance Enhancement (50), Glowing Experiences (4), Retrospective / Summary (11), Combinations (3)</td></tr>
<!-- <img src="/images/new.gif" alt="May"> -->
</table>
</div> |
<div class="report-text-surround">
<table cellspacing="0" cellpadding="0" align="right" border="0">
<tr><td></td><td width="15"> </td></tr>
</table>
<!-- DoseChart -->
<table border="2" cellpadding="4" cellspacing="0" bordercolor="#224422" class="dosechart">
<tr>
<td width="90" align="right">DOSE:<br></td>
<td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center">1 hit</td>
<td class="dosechart-method" align="center">oral</td>
<td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/chemicals/lsd/">LSD</a></td>
<td class="dosechart-form"><b>(blotter / tab)</b></td>
</tr>
</table>
<br>
<table border="2" cellpadding="4" cellspacing="0" bordercolor="#444455" class="bodyweight">
<tr>
<td width="110" class="bodyweight-title">BODY WEIGHT:</td>
<td width="80" class="bodyweight-amount">140 lb</td>
</tr>
</table>
<br><br>
<!-- End DoseChart -->
<!-- Start Body -->
It was Friday night, I had just managed to obtain ten hits of blotter and this was the first time I would be trying LSD. I was very excited at the time, and couldn't wait to try it. I had done extensive research beforehand, and on this particular Friday night, I really thought I was ready to escape reality. Little did I know what was in store for me later that night. So the night progressed and I invited a few friends over to my house. For the purpose of this story, we're going to call these people Jack, Kate, Tim, and Ben. Kate had also done a bit of research and was ready to try it as well. It was just going to be her and I tripping, while everyone else was just going to hang out and trip sit, and make sure we stayed under control.
<br>
<br>
So the time came when we were ready to try it. I handed her a hit of blotter, and took one for myself, and we both popped them in our mouths. We then decided to go watch tv, while we waited for it to kick in. It seemed to take an eternity. After about two hours I called a friend of mine and asked him what the deal was. He insisted that I just keep waiting, so I did. About ten minutes later, Kate claimed she could feel it. I however, could not. About fifteen minutes later I began to feel it as well. It came on slowly. My thoughts seemed to wander wherever I would let them go. Every thing I touched had a very interesting feeling to it. Some things felt really uncomfortable to touch. I picked up Ben's key chain and stared at it in amazement at all of the colors for about five minutes. Then it started feeling really odd, and like it was cutting into my hand. I instantly threw it down on the table. While Kate was already tripping hard, and had went into another room, I wasn't quite all the way there yet. I went to see what she was up to, and she kept going on about snakes for the next half hour, and how the room was 'filled with snakes' and the 'snake gods'. At this point I was enjoying myself, and having a really good time just laughing about everything. The smallest things seemed hilarious. For the next few minutes I was just fucking around with Kate while she was going on and on about snakes and kept unplugging her laptop cord which for some reason was hilarious at the time. I was really enjoying myself. I just felt like fucking around with everyone. I was there on the ground, screaming and yelling 'BEN! BENNNNNNNNN!' Then he would come into the room and I would go completely silent. Then he'd walk back into the living room, where the other trip sitters were, and I'd scream and yell his name again. This went on about three more times until he finally just got sick of my shit and started ignoring me.
<br>
<br>
I had some really crazy visuals, the most noticeable being when I looked at people's faces. While watching someone talking their face would kind of morph, and get larger and smaller. Their expression would also constantly change. This was quite amusing. At this point both of us were tripping quite hard, and nearing 'peak'. We were laying on the ground, and just having a good time. At this point, one of my trip-sitters decided that he 'had to try it' after watching how much fun we were having. I kept telling him no, but he didn't listen. He went to the kitchen and grabbed a hit, then threw the money at me a bit later. A bit later I found out that EVERY person in my house had done the same thing! They all wanted to try it, so they took a hit without my approval. At this point I started panicking. They were treating this drug that they had never researched before like it was something small like weed or alcohol. Tim even claimed it was 'no big deal, and it's just a drug you chill out with your friends with'. Oh how wrong he was. I was starting to freak out. Thoughts were racing through my head, I kept thinking 'I'm losing control here' and kept thinking how terrible it was that we had no trip sitter to keep anyone under control. Then I started freaking out about the fact that it was my house, and that if anything got broken, my parents would kill me. From this point on, I could not enjoy the trip. I was panicking, and beginning to sweat. Everyone was tripping, and there wasn't a single sober person at my house. People were all over my house, doing god knows what, and I was really not enjoying myself. I became very hot, so I decided to go outside to cool off. We went up on the pool deck outside my house. Everyone else came with me. I kept asking them who hadn't taken it, but I kept being assured by everyone that each person there had taken it. This just made me freak out more. Tim tried to calm me down, which worked for a little bit. We laid there for a little bit reminiscing about the classic scene in 'The Pirates of Silicon Valley' where Steve Jobs takes LSD. We discussed it for awhile, and talked about how amazing it was that 'they made all those computers'. This doesn't make any sense to me as I'm typing it, but at the time, we all thought it made perfect sense. The pool deck had an amazing unique feel to it, as did anything else I touched, and my vision was filled with colors.
<br>
<br>
I was finally starting to enjoy myself again for a little while, but it was short lived. Kate and Ben had run off, and everyone was just being very loud outside. I started worrying again. A bit later I felt too cold outside, so we all eventually made our way back inside. It wasn't but a minute later the doorbell rang. Tim went and answered the door. It was the cops. They wanted to talk to me, since I lived at the house. I was panicking again. I could hardly even talk. I went outside to speak with the officer, who said they had gotten a 'welfare check' call. I kept trying to convince the officer that everything was fine, and that no one had done anything. I also kept saying that I did not want them searching my house under any circumstances. I couldn't think very straight at the time, as I was at the peak of my trip now. I just kept repeating that I didn't want them searching my house. This officer kind of 'gave up' on me for awhile, while another officer came out to talk to me. This officer tried to talk to me on a much more personal level. He said how he knew we were on something, and that his guess was acid. I didn't say a 'yes' or a no' but my facial expression did change when I realized he knew what was up. He continued talking to me on a personal level, and started going on about he used to 'sell dope at my age'. Then he started talking about how he turned his life around, and that I needed to, too.
<br>
<br>
At this point the other officer came back outside and started questioning me again too. I felt so intimidated and scared at the time. I was tripping hard, and I could not handle the situation at all. I felt like I was two inches tall, and the officers were giants. I felt like I was an a small bug about a second away from being stomped on. They also questioned my friends, in a different area away from me. My friends had told them that I sold it to them. I tried to weasel my way out of everything, but I was tripping so hard that I just couldn't handle it. I don't remember a whole lot of what happened next, but the officers had entered my house, and they found the remaining five hits of blotter, which I had left in a DVD case on the kitchen counter.
<br>
<br>
I felt destroyed. I knew in my mind that this was the end. At this point they had also called an ambulance to my house, as well as backup police officers. My entire culdesac was filled with law enforcement. Since I was freaking out even more now, the police officer led me over to the ambulance so that the medical examiner could check me out. He said I would be fine, and that I just had a really high pulse. Some of the police officers were enjoying themselves, and fucking around with me at the time. I remember one officer telling me to go to another officer, then when I got there he would say 'What are you doing here? I told you to go over there!' One of the officers who was talking to my friends inside of my house, was talking about all the crazy things all my friends were saying, and how they were definitely 'gone'. Eventually, one of the officers led me back to my front porch, to help me get my shoes. I put them on, then I was put in the back of a police car. I felt two inches tall again. I began to feel very claustrophobic, and started freaking out again.I kept looking out the window, and eventually they let me out again for awhile.
<br>
<br>
They asked me a few more questions, then I asked if I could call my parents. At this point the reality had really struck me. I knew how FUCKED I was. I knew I was being arrested, and I knew there was nothing I could do to get out of this. I called my father, crying to him on the phone, and telling him how sorry I was for disappointing him. I went on about how I should have listened to him. After awhile the police officer told me to wrap it up, so I said my goodbyes, and he then took my phone as evidence. I was put back into the police car, and an officer got in and started the car. We started driving to the police station. I had calmed down slightly, and I remember saying 'Damn!' as the officer floored it once we got out onto the main road. Eventually we got to the police station, and I was led inside. I was still tripping and had trouble remembering what he was telling me to do. He led me down a hallway, and had me sign some papers. Then he led me into a small holding cell.
<br>
<br>
Once I was in the cell I realized the severity of the situation again. The cell was a small room with bright lights, a mirror, a toilet, and a sink. I sat on the bench and the cell and just thought about everything. Wondered how I got myself into this. I started crying, and asking myself out loud 'How could I do this?' 'How could this happen?' This talking to myself went on for probably an hour. Then I proceeded to stare at floor of the cell, which caused me to see some very interesting visual hallucinations. I couldn't enjoy myself though. My mind was not in the right place. At this point I just wanted to end the trip. I took a drink of water, then took a look at myself in the mirror. I looked terrible. I definitely looked like someone fucked up some sort of drug. I kept having weird thoughts like 'Is this me?' 'Is this who I am?' Over the next couple hours, I kept drinking water, to help end my trip faster, and also went to the restroom a few times.
<br>
<br>
Finally, the officer opened the cell, and I was led out. I was told that I would be going to the local juvenile detention facility. My heart sunk, and again I realized just how much shit I had gotten myself into. I was put into handcuffs and shackles. Then I was led outside by two more officers into a white van. At this point it was around 5am, and I had not slept yet. I couldn't sleep though, as I was still tripping. I was put into the back of this van, while the officers got in and began to drive. The juvenile detention facility was around two hours away, so they told me to try and get some sleep. I tried, but I couldn't. It was very uncomfortable sitting with handcuffs and shackles on. During the two hour drive, I had some very weird thoughts. I thought a lot about life, and how these officers were just 'normal people' who happened to have a job in law enforcement, and how they all had their own families, and their own problems. This was just their job. My mind wandered the entire ride there.
<br>
<br>
Eventually we got there. I was taken out of the vehicle, and led to the door outside the facility. A very buff man, was standing outside it. The officers wished me luck, and left me with this man, who then proceeded to yell at me like a drill sergeant. He made my repeat everything he said, and started going over some of the ground rules of the facility. There was a yellow line taped down on the floor and I had to acknowledge all of the officers and request permission to cross it. This was very hard to do at the time, as I was still kind of fucked up, and I hadn't slept in ages. Eventually one of the guards led me into a room and had me shower, then gave me prison clothes to change into. I couldn't believe I was actually in jail. After I finished my shower, he let me call my parents. I told them to get me a lawyer and they agreed. That was the last I would hear from them. Eventually I was led to a room with bunks with the other inmates. The next three days that I would remain in this facility would be the worst days of my life. The first day was the worst. I was still coming down from the LSD, and I was not allowed to sleep at all until 10pm rolled around. Needless to say I could hardly function during the day, and was completely exhausted by the time night came around. The facility operated like a standard jail. Asshole guards, terrible food, no rights, and nothing to do besides read the 'rules sheet' you were given. If you had good behavior, you could later be upgraded and be able to read the Bible, then if you continued to have good behavior, you could check out a book. The three days I remained in this facility were the longest days of my life. What was even worse was that all of the other kids in there were in there for real crimes like fighting and stealing. I was in there for a drug charge. A victimless 'crime'. Every night before I went to sleep I would think about how I was going to possibly get of there, and how long I would be in there. On the third day I was taken to court in another white van, along with a dozen other inmates that were scheduled for court that day.
<br>
<br>
We got to the court house, and my case happened to be the very first one. My parents, my lawyer, and I both went to the stand. My lawyer did most of the talking, and eventually it was agreed upon that I should get out of the juvenile detention facility, but have house arrest for a month, then eight more months of probation. I was unhandcuffed, and released to my parents. That's where my story ends. All of this happened over one hit of LSD. My trip was a train wreck. A complete disaster. I later found out that all my friends had gotten off scott free. Not even charged or anything. I was slapped with over $1,000 of fees, and now had to serve probation.
<br>
<br>
So that's where my story ends. I wasn't able to properly evaluate the drug 'erowid style' due to everything that happened. Would I ever eventually try LSD again? I'm not sure at this point. If I did try it, it definitely wouldn't be at my house again.<!-- End Body -->
<br><br style="clear:both;">
<table border="0" cellpadding="5" cellspacing="0" class="footdata">
<tr><td width="700">Exp Year: 2008</td><td width="90">ExpID: 76778</td></tr>
<tr><td>Gender: Male</td><td> </td></tr>
<tr><td>Age at time of experience: Not Given</td><td> </td></tr>
<tr><td>Published: Sep 26, 2012</td><td>Views: 75,223</td></tr>
<tr><td colspan="2" align="center">[ <a href="exp.php?ID=76778&amp;format=pdf" type="text/pdf">View as PDF (for printing)</a> ] [ <a href="exp_pdf.php?ID=76778&amp;format=latex">View as LaTeX (for geeks)</a> ]
[ <a href="#" onclick="expChangeColors(); return false;">Switch Colors</a> ]
</td></tr>
<tr><td colspan="2">LSD (2), Police / Customs (60) : General (1), First Times (2), Train Wrecks &amp; Trip Disasters (7), Guides / Sitters (39), Post Trip Problems (8), Multi-Day Experience (13), Personal Preparation (45), Various (28)</td></tr>
<!-- <img src="/images/new.gif" alt="May"> -->
</table>
</div> |
<div class="report-text-surround">
<table cellspacing="0" cellpadding="0" align="right" border="0">
<tr><td></td><td width="15"> </td></tr>
</table>
<!-- DoseChart -->
<table border="2" cellpadding="4" cellspacing="0" bordercolor="#224422" class="dosechart">
<tr>
<td width="90" align="right">DOSE:<br></td>
<td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center">1 hit</td>
<td class="dosechart-method" align="center"> </td>
<td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/chemicals/lsd/">LSD</a></td>
</tr>
<tr>
<td width="90" align="right"> </td>
<td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center"> </td>
<td class="dosechart-method" align="center"> </td>
<td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/pharms/zolpidem/">Pharms - Zolpidem</a></td>
</tr>
<tr>
<td width="90" align="right"> </td>
<td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center"> </td>
<td class="dosechart-method" align="center"> </td>
<td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/chemicals/alcohol/">Alcohol - Beer/Wine</a></td>
</tr>
<tr>
<td width="90" align="right"> </td>
<td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center"> </td>
<td class="dosechart-method" align="center"> </td>
<td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/pharms/diphenhydramine/">Diphenhydramine</a></td>
</tr>
</table>
<br>
<table border="2" cellpadding="4" cellspacing="0" bordercolor="#444455" class="bodyweight">
<tr>
<td width="110" class="bodyweight-title">BODY WEIGHT:</td>
<td width="80" class="bodyweight-amount">140 lb</td>
</tr>
</table>
<br><br>
<!-- End DoseChart -->
<!-- Start Body -->
First of all, I will be writing about the experience of my girlfriend. Although, I did trip with her, and stay in very close contact with her in the months that followed. This story is one that you seem to hear about as a sort of myth to scare you away from drugs. One thing I would like to mention is that I personally have extensive experience with, knowledge of, and respect for psychedelic drugs. This is not meant as a report to scare you into not experimenting with psychedelics, as I feel that, used correctly, they can be a powerful spiritual tool. I submit this account as a means to educate you as to the possible dangers and humbly offer you what advice I can and what conclusions I have reached.
<br>
<br>
As a bit of background information, my girlfriend at the time (who we shall hereto refer to as Susan), prior to this event did not have a great deal of experience with psychedelics. She had done Mescaline once, LSD once, and ecstasy once (while I don't feel it is a 'psychedelic' I am including it anyway). Her Mescaline experience had been extremely positive with no negative side-effects. Her first LSD ingested roughly 3.5 hits, had a very intense but altogether pleasurable trip for the first 5 hours, but then suddenly lost touch, to say the least. She suddenly was naked, repeating certain phrases over and over (such as 'I've been here before' and 'I love you guys too!'), while thinking she had to vomit every minute or so, or suddenly running to the toilet for 'other' reasons. I was with her alone for the next 5 hours. Every couple minutes it was as though I could visually watch her particular ego or sense of reality focus in on her. She would start out staring blanking into space, repeating phrases, experiencing extreme emotions, and then suddenly for a split second she would realize what reality was, then for the next second she would realize where she was... until she realized who she was, who I was, and what was happening. She would apologize and thank me for helping her and then suddenly, she would be gone again. Things I did to help her included giving her milk, making her drink water, just helping her relax and keeping the environment calm and comfortable.) Anyway, about 5-8 hours she gradually found her way back to reality and was essentially the same person afterwards (albeit one with perhaps a more enlightened view on life.)
<br>
<br>
Now, the story gets interesting. Roughly a month and a half later was her next encounter with LSD. This time she took only 1 hit. Her entire trip was great, she enjoyed it, nothing bad happened. The day after (after staying up all night), we went to the park, went on a walk, ate some lunch, just had a calm sober day really. We then went back to my house, late afternoon and decided to try to sleep... after having sex. However, directly after sex she began crying profusely, when asked 'why' all she could say was, 'I'm just so happy.' The next few hours she gradually lost touch with reality. It was very similar to the way she was acting before but was not nearly as bad. I assumed it would soon pass, another night at the most. I attempted to speed up the recovery by giving her food and liquid, which she was very uninterested in. As the night progressed I gave her sleeping pills, one Ambien and a couple Excedrin PM. She drank a couple beers to amplify the affect of the sleeping pills. I am unsure whether or not she slept, but what I can say is that I was able to get 2 hours of sleep and so I can only assume that she did sleep, otherwise it would have been impossible for me to, since she was acting very dependent on me at this point and wouldnt let me sleep (we had been up for 2 days at this point).
<br>
<br>
I awoke to her being wide awake. She seemed to be getting more and more out of touch as time passed. I stayed up with her the rest of the night, by noon the next day I decided to give her more sleeping pills, Unisom and Tylenol PM, and also Niacin, they had no affect at all. She would sometimes come back for very short time periods. She would talk about how 'she could see it', but 'it hurt to remember', she 'didn't want to come back.' At times she appeared to be in a very enlightened place, completely tranquil, happy. Others, she would experience extreme sorrow, talk about 'being in the bad place,' 'I've been here before,' or talk about how we were all just 'hanging out in our imaginations.' One thing I found very interesting was that she seemed to be reliving all of the experiences of the last couple days in reverse order, talking to people as if they were there.
<br>
<br>
To speed up the story a bit, by the afternoon on the 2 day after the trip, she was not eating, not sleeping, not drinking, and getting further and further away mentally. I enlisted the help of some close friends to help me as I was on day 3 of no sleep. That evening I was frantically awoke by them. Susan was talking in a strange dialect (language?), flailing her limbs, hitting herself and others repeatedly, showing extreme rage at times. By this point I felt I had no choice but to take her to emergency room, which with all of our combined efforts, we were able to do (through physical restraint). There were police at the emergency room but aside from a suspicious glare, gave us no trouble. The hospital had little clue about what was happening and, I feel, did virtually nothing short of restraining her. It was clear to all of us that she needed food and sleep, the staff seemed to think it would just work out naturally. Clearly they were oblivious to any situation even slightly resembling this one. Her parents arrived within a few hours.
<br>
<br>
....
<br>
A day and half later she was transferred to a psychiatric hospital in the nearest major city. I talked to her daily, she was very unhappy there and very disconnected from reality. She was very confused and still very much in a different world. It is extremely difficult to describe the way she was acting at this point. This hospital also (I feel) handled things very poorly. They still would not give her sleeping medication (even though she went 10 days sleeping only 6 hours) and she rarely got to even see a doctor. But, regardless, after roughly a week and a half, she was released into the custody of her parents. She was functional, but definitely still not in touch with 'reality.' The next two days at home she gradually regressed until eventually she reached the point where she KNEW the CIA was trying to kill her, that everyone was trying to shoot her, and that dead bodies were chopped up in the basement. Her parents took her back to the hospital, but she wouldn't allow her self to be committed (since she was 20 it required her permission, they had been able to convince her last time due to her state of mind), and so they struggled until finding a different facility. A psychiatric research hospital.
<br>
<br>
I know this is getting long so I will finish up... It was another two weeks before she was rereleased. It took her roughly 3 months to recover to normality. However, she is a different person. I think probably a better, happier person. As far as the experience she remembers it all. I have no doubt she experienced things extremely spiritual at times, inhabiting higher dimensions, talking spirits, and things of the sort. BUT, I also think that due to many factors she experienced many things that were pure hallucination, or signs she took to be indicative of things that were not true (in some cases very extreme things). The problem is that she is not entirely able to tell what was true and what was not.
<br>
<br>
So here are the conclusions I have reached after talking to doctors, researching, talking to her, etc. Luckily, I was mindful enough to keep logs of what she was saying throughout the experience, and also have her journals from the hospitals.
<br>
<br>
So, she was a person with some issues in her past that she did not want to deal with at the time. She suppressed these things and didn't think about them. Most likely, she was prone to this sort of psychosis and it is very possible that this would have happened even without the LSD. In this particular case though, the LSD definitely sort of opened the door. Thus I say it triggered it, but did not CAUSE it. I view this experience as a sort of transformation of her life into a better person. Others see it differently, such as her parents, but they are coming with the attitude of placing blame on everyone and everything except for their daughter. To them, it's not that their daughter had issues and problems that needed to be dealt with finally exploded, it was the fault of her boyfriend and of drugs that this horrible thing happened, a thing with no spiritual basis or positive side effects, they were convinced she was going to die.
<br>
<br>
What advice can I give? Well for one thing the doctors at the second hospital, who seemed to more fully understand what was going on, said that everything I did were the BEST things that could have been done for her, short of actually taking the LSD of course. That includes sleeping pills, food, water, vitamins, Niacin. ALSO, here are some things to be careful of.
<br>
* Isolate the person in a quiet, dimly lit room, without the coming and going of strangers
<br>
* Constant reassurance is key, 'everything is ok, everyone is ok, and that includes you.'
<br>
* The person should not be left alone. Time is extremely distorted for them and a minute can feel like a day.
<br>
* Don't ask questions, questions can provoke a flood of anxiety in a person struggling to maintain logical thought
<br>
<br>
There you have it, I hope that offers help to someone should a similar situation ever arise. Likewise though, I hope that it never does happen.
<br>
<br>
Namaste<!-- End Body -->
<br><br style="clear:both;">
<table border="0" cellpadding="5" cellspacing="0" class="footdata">
<tr><td width="700">Exp Year: 2006</td><td width="90">ExpID: 51631</td></tr>
<tr><td>Gender: Female</td><td> </td></tr>
<tr><td>Age at time of experience: Not Given</td><td> </td></tr>
<tr><td>Published: Jan 6, 2012</td><td>Views: 49,372</td></tr>
<tr><td colspan="2" align="center">[ <a href="exp.php?ID=51631&amp;format=pdf" type="text/pdf">View as PDF (for printing)</a> ] [ <a href="exp_pdf.php?ID=51631&amp;format=latex">View as LaTeX (for geeks)</a> ]
[ <a href="#" onclick="expChangeColors(); return false;">Switch Colors</a> ]
</td></tr>
<tr><td colspan="2">LSD (2) : Post Trip Problems (8), Second Hand Report (42), Health Problems (27), Small Group (2-9) (17)</td></tr>
<!-- <img src="/images/new.gif" alt="May"> -->
</table>
</div> |
<div class="report-text-surround">
<table cellspacing="0" cellpadding="0" align="right" border="0">
<tr><td></td><td width="15"> </td></tr>
</table>
<!-- DoseChart -->
<table border="2" cellpadding="4" cellspacing="0" bordercolor="#224422" class="dosechart">
<tr>
<td width="90" align="right">DOSE:<br> T+ 0:00</td>
<td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center">3 hits</td>
<td class="dosechart-method" align="center">oral</td>
<td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/chemicals/lsd/">LSD</a></td>
<td class="dosechart-form"><b>(cookie / food)</b></td>
</tr>
<tr>
<td width="90" align="right"> T+ 3:30</td>
<td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center">3 g</td>
<td class="dosechart-method" align="center">oral</td>
<td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/plants/mushrooms/">Mushrooms</a></td>
<td class="dosechart-form"><b>(dried)</b></td>
</tr>
<tr>
<td width="90" align="right"> T+ 4:00</td>
<td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center">1 bowl</td>
<td class="dosechart-method" align="center">smoked</td>
<td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/plants/cannabis/">Cannabis</a></td>
<td class="dosechart-form"><b>(plant material)</b></td>
</tr>
<tr>
<td width="90" align="right"> T+ 4:30</td>
<td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center">1 tablet</td>
<td class="dosechart-method" align="center">oral</td>
<td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/chemicals/mdma/">MDMA</a></td>
<td class="dosechart-form"><b>(pill / tablet)</b></td>
</tr>
<tr>
<td width="90" align="right"> T+ 5:00</td>
<td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center">1 tablet</td>
<td class="dosechart-method" align="center">oral</td>
<td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/chemicals/mdma/">MDMA</a></td>
<td class="dosechart-form"><b>(pill / tablet)</b></td>
</tr>
<tr>
<td width="90" align="right"> T+ 9:00</td>
<td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center">1 tablet</td>
<td class="dosechart-method" align="center">oral</td>
<td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/chemicals/mdma/">MDMA</a></td>
<td class="dosechart-form"><b>(pill / tablet)</b></td>
</tr>
</table>
<br>
<table border="2" cellpadding="4" cellspacing="0" bordercolor="#444455" class="bodyweight">
<tr>
<td width="110" class="bodyweight-title">BODY WEIGHT:</td>
<td width="80" class="bodyweight-amount">135 lb</td>
</tr>
</table>
<br><br>
<!-- End DoseChart -->
<!-- Start Body -->
Esthetic Evolution. The hippest among us describe it as the single most exciting event in our great state of Idaho (although, that’s probably not the most difficult title to attain). Every year come June the isolated hick settlement of Twin Springs (Population: 5) gets swarmed by a thousand ravers, Burning Man veterans, e-tards, drunkards, acid freaks and other various individuals that the County Sheriffs would most certainly frown upon. Set upon the top of a grassy plateau, with rivers below and mountains above, the scenic location becomes the center for a community built fundamentally on the principle of self-expression, in true Burning Man spirit. People are given the opportunity to build their own self-contained, autonomous society with its own aesthetic and ethical standards. Nothing is forbidden. Everything is permitted.
<br>
<br>
The sets of music each night go from 7 PM to 7 AM. I knew that I would need a lot of chemical energy to get through that much music. The first night I conserved my energy. I dropped a hit of my sugar cube LSD to gauge its potency. The trip was average, but I needed a gram-full pot brownie to really get me going. I went to a sleep at a conservative 4 AM, partly to conserve my energy for the next night, and mostly because there was a lot of THC in my system and I had little choice. The second night was going to be the main event. Jedi Flipping. I’ve found few recorded cases on the mixture of LSD, Mushrooms, and Ecstasy, so I decided it was territory I needed to explore on my own accord. Besides, who wouldn’t want to be a Jedi? It’s not like I’d be the only one at the festival completely twisted on hallucinogens.
<br>
<br>
I had a pretty good inkling of what Jedi Flipping was going to do to me, and I knew it would be above and beyond anything else I’d experienced up to that point. And, at the ripe old age of 17, I was not exactly inexperienced with mind-bending drugs. I’d had around 25 mushroom trips, 5 acid trips, and 5 experiences with MDMA (but always in the form of molly before this). I’d hippy flipped once, candy flipped once, wasted a lot of time getting stoned, and experimented with a few other oddities (Salvia, Morning Glories, Hawaiian Baby Woodrose). The shit I steered clear of was alcohol (for the most part), opiates, and hard stimulants. But if it had the potential to be mind opening, I wanted to try it. Ever since first reading Huxley’s “The Doors of Perception,” in 8th grade, I wanted to chase ultimate psychedelic experience. In my area, these drugs are by no means easy to come by (although I learned the hard way it’s easy to get ripped off). I stumbled onto pot in my search, but wasn’t able to get any illegal psychedelics until the summer between Sophomore and Junior year. Junior year saw great escalation in my psychedelic drug use. First mushrooms, then acid and ecstasy as they began circulating. I liked tripping. I wanted to trip in every possible set and setting, just to see the different directions my mind would go. I’d trip with small circles of friends, I’d trip at large parties, I’d trip alone, I’d trip while seeing a gig, I’d trip while playing a gig, I’d trip at school, I’d trip in nature, I’d trip at 3D movies, I’d trip any day and any way.
<br>
<br>
But that’s more than enough about me.
<br>
<br>
The Esthetic Evolution experience is primarily a social experiment, so it’s just as important for you to get to know my friends.
<br>
<br>
First there was The Prince of Persia, or Prince for short. The nickname came from the fact that he’s half-Persian, off-white in a state completely dominated by Caucasians. Me and him go way back. Back to the days of the elementary school playground, back to junior high when we first started playing our guitars together, back to starting our first band in high school, and all the while getting into smoking dope, ‘shrooming, and rolling together. The night of my Jedi Flip would be Prince’s first time on LSD (though not for lack of trying, we’d had experience getting ripped off together too). He’d done ‘shrooms quite a few times, so I told him to go ahead and opt for two hits for optimum visceral experience, and he planned to take his ecstasy on the comedown.
<br>
<br>
Next we have J-Nug, quite possibly my favorite person in the world, and certainly the funniest motherfucker I’ve ever met. Most people tell jokes, but J-Nug lives a joke (and at everyone else’s expense). Many who meet think he’s a douchebag, which probably stems from his habit of insulting everyone around him. But largely, it’s a persona he’s taken on for his own personal amusement. Blonde-haired, blue-eyed, and wearing a superhero’s cape around the festival, he looked like the high, drunken badass he was. Even though he’d very conspicuously spoken about his love of “gettin’ faded” for years, it wasn’t until a few weeks before Esthetic that he actually began drinking or smoking, and he certainly wasn’t at a stage where he was getting into ‘shrooms, ‘cid, or X. Still, considering he was a relative newcomer to substances he could hold is own with the best of them.
<br>
<br>
Then there was Jersey. He’s from Jersey. And he’ll let you know (usually by saying “I’m from fuckin’ Jersey!”). He’s just about as nice a kid as you’ll ever meet. However, as much as we like hanging out with him sober, when you put any amount of mind-altering substance in his body and he can turn into a total babbling idiot. He becomes like a horribly well-intentioned retard you don’t have the heart to tell to shut up, projecting every goddamn thought that pops into his head. He had gotten earned some derisive nicknames in his time. One of them being “The Two-Beer Queer,” fairly indicative of Jersey’s chronic condition of total lightweightedness. But Jersey was also convinced that he wanted some LSD for the night. I wasn’t sure whether it was a good idea, but there was really only one way to find out. “What the hell,” I figured, “if you’re good for the money I’ll give you a dose.” As J-Nug so eloquently put it, “The One-Drag Fag frying on acid? That is gonna be a fucking sight.”
<br>
<br>
And finally, there was D. D doesn’t have any dumb nicknames, so I guess he just gets to have his name shortened to one letter. He’s the one who gave us a ride up in his big ol’ Suburban, “The Red Rocket.” He was Jersey’s best friend and the group Mom, too. Always wanting to know everyone was all right. If you were on powerful drugs and you weren’t in D’s sight, then in his mind you had either died or were in the process of dying. The top priority was to ensure your safety. I’m not sure what the trip would’ve been like without him there to look out for us.
<br>
<br>
Enough background for you? Shit man, you have no patience. I’m getting to the exciting stuff.
<br>
<br>
________________________________________________________________________
<br>
<br>
Saturday, June 19 2010. 7:30 PM.
<br>
<br>
We all take our acid. Sugar cubes dissolve nice and quick, it’s not like blotter where I'm swirling the tabs around under my tongue for five or ten minutes. Pop a cube in my mouth and a minute later I’ll have nothing but a residual sweet taste and the satisfying knowledge that I have 100 micrograms soaking into my system.
<br>
<br>
Three hits seems like a good dose for me. I figured with a day-after tolerance I’d need to double my dose to get effects comparable to last night’s trip. And why not drop another for good measure? There’s nothing to lose. Prince has had his two hits. Jersey’s dropped his. Shit, I don’t know about that kid though. We’ll see how this goes.
<br>
<br>
We’ve been sitting around camp getting stoned all day. It’s not as interesting as it sounds (and it doesn’t sound that interesting), but it provided some much needed R&amp;R.
<br>
<br>
A little more sitting around, and the initial effects are coming on. It starts off softly. My vision gets sharper. Everything comes at me crystal clear. It’s a feeling like I’ve spent my whole life looking at the world through one window pane, and somebody just sprayed some windex on it and wiped it down. This acid is clean, too. There’s very little body tension, just that oddly euphoric psychedelic energy that comes in sheets through my whole body. It’s not speedy by any means, just a feeling that every action is performed with great purpose. It won’t be long now until I’m launched into outer space.
<br>
<br>
We can hear the first pulses of the electronic music in the distance. J-Nug is sipping on some bizarrely appetizing mixture of Tiki Punch and Vodka.
<br>
<br>
“I hope it gets more poppin’ up there tonight,” he says, looking lazily up towards the source of the music.
<br>
<br>
“I dunno man, it was pretty poppin’ up there last night,” I tell him. In reality, it’s not like I could judge. I was tripping balls last night. Pot has a way of bringing out everything that’s weird about an acid trip (and acid has some weird places to take me). My immediate physical surroundings were not of the biggest concern to me when I was raving…
<br>
<br>
“Yeah, I know it was poppin’ last night,” J-Nug says, “I just hope it gets more poppin’ is all.”
<br>
<br>
Jersey is looking off in the opposite direction. Across a dirt road, there’s an old school bus that’s been completely spray painted over with Alice in Wonderland themed graffiti. It’s got a flat deck strapped to the top and a couple couches and chairs where people can lounge.
<br>
<br>
“Bro, that looks sick,” Jersey says. “I’m gonna go kick it up there.”
<br>
<br>
“I’m coming with you,” D adds, hurrying to catch up to him.
<br>
<br>
Me and J-Nug follow suit.
<br>
<br>
Prince has been sitting in the driver’s seat of the Red Rocket ever since we dropped our acid. He’s starting to look a little zoned. “You comin’ man?” I holler through the car window.
<br>
<br>
“Naw, man. I think…” he trails off, looking like he’s carefully considering something. “I think I’m just gonna sit in here.”
<br>
<br>
I shrug. “That’s cool.”
<br>
<br>
We walk across the road and climb up a ladder propped on the side of the bus. As I pop over the last rung, I see a girl on one of the couches waving a peacock’s feather in circles a few inches from her face. She’s entranced. She looks serene. She must be on LSD.
<br>
<br>
Jersey sits down by her on the couch and begins to strike up a conversation. I don’t pay attention; I’m sitting on the edge of the bus and letting my legs dangle, sitting in silence with J-Nug while he munches on a bowl of dry Frosted Flakes.
<br>
<br>
I look out over the camp. What an incredible sight. People are wandering around in lavish costumes. It’s nice to see people as fucked up, freaked out, and into drugs as I am. Some of them have it together. Others don’t. Some are curiously roaming around with eyes glazed over, while others have let their minds deteriorate to a more primal state. They’re running and jumping, screaming and yelling, acting on every single impulse.
<br>
<br>
I look up at J-Nug. “It is going to get fucking wild tonight, man.”
<br>
<br>
He doesn’t look back, but he nods in acknowledgement. He’s more focused on his Frosted Flakes. I look back over the grassy plateau. The sun is setting over the mountains, casting subtle shades of violet across the sky. I focus on the peaks and see them like a time-lapse photograph. Over the course of a few seconds I can see hundreds of trees sprout up, grow, flourish, reach their peak, and then slowly wither and die before completely disappearing. There is already a certain fractal nature to the geometry of a mountain face. This becomes greatly exaggerated while tripping. As the light of the sun shines down through the cracks of the rock face, the sensory input hits me in two discernable planes of geometric patterns. It’s sort of like the end of 2001: A Space Odyssey. Thank God for the third hit. Acid visuals are always grand, but this is nothing short of spectacular. And to think, I’m still just coming up.
<br>
<br>
At this point, J-Nug has stuck his entire face into his plastic bowl of Frosted Flakes.
<br>
<br>
I want to divert his attention towards the sunset. “Would you look at that, man?”
<br>
<br>
“That is nice,” he admits.
<br>
<br>
He looks back down at his Frosted Flakes. I can tell he’s about to stick his face in again, but then looks back at me.
<br>
<br>
“I mean, that is fuckin’ nice, man.” He doesn’t want me to doubt his sincerity.
<br>
<br>
“Dude, Prince has just been sitting in the car for like thirty minutes,” D points out.
<br>
<br>
I look over towards our camp. “Yeah. I better go check on him.”
<br>
<br>
I walk over to the Red Rocket and Prince is staring intently at the logo on the center of the steering wheel.
<br>
<br>
I open the passenger’s side door. “You all good?”
<br>
<br>
His concentration on the logo is broken. He looks away, towards me. “Yeah.”
<br>
<br>
“Your acid kicked in?”
<br>
<br>
He looks at me like I just asked if the sky was blue. “Yes.”
<br>
<br>
“Yeah, mine too,” I giggle. “You should’ve fucking seen it on top of that bus, man.”
<br>
<br>
“Yeah.” He pauses and stares into the distance, choosing his next words carefully. “I guess I just didn’t really want to be around Jersey when I was coming up. I mean, I can get a little uncomfortable when he gets the way he does, y’know? I just didn’t want to start the trip off in a bad way.”
<br>
<br>
“I got you, man, don’t worry about it. He seems to be handling the acid well so far, though.” I feel the suspension sink down in the back of the car. J-Nug, Jersey, and D are sitting on the bumper, talking to our next-door neighbor while he smokes a cigarette.
<br>
<br>
It’s bizarre to see him up and about. The night before he and his friends from Oregon had a vial of some fairly weak acid. In something of a drunken stupor, this neighbor thought it was a good idea to drink everything they had left, a good half a vial. He claims to have no recollection of the next ten hours, but I personally watched him lie underneath the shade of our car, getting up only on occasion to pace back and forth and forcefully vomit clear liquid. It was as though he’d only taken time to put two things in his system: drugs and water, and his body was violently rejecting both. Luckily, he seems to have fully pieced his mind back together.
<br>
<br>
Prince and I get out of the car and join the party.
<br>
<br>
“What’s up guys?” I give my psychedelically inclined neighbor an obligatory nod. He nods back, cancer stick dangling from the corner of his mouth.
<br>
<br>
Jersey turns to Prince and I. “Dude, is it normal that I’m not feeling my acid yet if you guys are?”
<br>
<br>
“Well, you gotta remember that we had more than you, so we came up harder and faster.” But from my observations of the past forty minutes, Jersey had been just as bug-eyed and giggly as the rest of us. He’s fallen into a common syndrome for a newcoming tripper. “I think you’re feeling your acid, dude. You just don’t realize it.”
<br>
<br>
Jersey looks confused and annoyed at the response. “But I thought I was going to see cartoons?”
<br>
<br>
Our neighbor chuckles. “Is it his first time?”
<br>
<br>
“Yeah.”
<br>
<br>
He turns to Jersey. “It’s not like you think. It’s not like any other drug. There’s no definitive moment when it hits you. It creeps up gradually and kicks your ass before you know it. A lot of it starts with you just getting into the body high and letting your mind wander, and then you’ll stop thinking altogether. You just need accept the fact that you’re frying, because all you have to do is go with it.”
<br>
<br>
This motherfucker actually knows what he’s talking about.
<br>
<br>
Jersey still isn’t convinced, “I just want to take it to the next level.” He turns to me, “I’ve got the money, could I please get one more hit off you?”
<br>
<br>
“Shit!” I yell in frustration. I just got ten hits yesterday, and now I’m down to one.
<br>
<br>
“Look man,' I try to level with Jersey. “I’m a greedy motherfucker, and I wasn’t exactly planning on having all my acid eaten within a day of getting it. If you want to take your trip to the next level, you should smoke.”
<br>
<br>
Hmmm… on second thought, I’ve seen Jersey smoke before. Maybe that’s not a good idea for him. I mean, pot and ‘shrooms go great together, but pot and LSD can be a very odd and dangerous combination. Especially if you’re the One-Drag Fag. I reconsider the proposition. “Well…”I trail off. “I guess it’s not like that one hit would do me that much good anyhow.”
<br>
<br>
“I am definitely glad I opted for the second hit,” Prince chimes in.
<br>
<br>
“…and I’ve got the money…” Jersey reminds me.
<br>
<br>
I mull it over in my brain. Jersey is looking up at me pleadingly, anxiously. I carefully consider the circumstances.
<br>
<br>
“Fuck!” I finally burst out. “Go ahead. The last hit’s in that big red water bottle in the tent.'
<br>
<br>
“THANK YOU!” Jersey practically runs back there.
<br>
<br>
“Such incredible generosity,” our neighbor says, sarcastically, as he extinguishes the butt of his cigarette on his car’s bumper.
<br>
<br>
I pretend I didn’t hear him.
<br>
<br>
D looks at me. “Yeah, man. You don’t need that hit. I mean, how many ‘shrooms are you going to take tonight anyhow?”
<br>
<br>
The neighbor looks up, with a newfound interest in our affairs.
<br>
<br>
“I’ve got a little less than an eighth.”
<br>
<br>
The neighbor raises his eyebrows.
<br>
<br>
D is shaking is head in disbelief. “Jesus Christ… 3 hits of acid, an eighth of ‘shrooms, and all that ecstasy too? Just do me a favor and please don’t die, ok?”
<br>
<br>
The neighbor lets out a low laugh. “Jedi flipping, dude?”
<br>
<br>
I look over and he flashes me one of those rare smiles you encounter to varying degrees throughout your life. The kind you get from someone who knows exactly where you’re coming from and what you’re going through. The kind of smile that goes up into the eyes, making them narrow on the face. The smile of shared experience.
<br>
<br>
“You are in for one helluva time.”
<br>
<br>
<br>
Saturday, June 19 2010. 9:30 PM
<br>
<br>
The second hit of acid wound up hitting Jersey pretty hard.
<br>
<br>
He was looking at me with his eyes half shut, speaking blissfully. “Oh man. I just feel so good it’s just like my whole body is—“
<br>
<br>
He trailed off; his train of thought got derailed. I know the feeling.
<br>
<br>
After some time his smile melted away and he began to look very solemn. His eyes opened wider and wider, until I thought they’d pop out of his skull. “My… whole body… is…. FUCKING!”
<br>
<br>
The final word had a force that nearly knocked me off balance. Shit, I wouldn’t have been surprised if it had. Everything around me was warping, swirling, growing and then shrinking again. My brain had turned to rubber and was being stretched out for miles in every imaginable direction.
<br>
<br>
It took a second for what Jersey had said to set in. When it did, a laugh escaped me from the inside out. It kept going until my eyes started to water.
<br>
<br>
I yelled back behind me, “Prince, you gotta check this kid out, man!”
<br>
<br>
But it was too late. I had turned away from Jersey for two seconds, and when I turned back around he was sprinting away in the opposite direction, ripping off his shirt as he went.
<br>
<br>
“Holy shit!” I howled.
<br>
<br>
D was concerned, though. “What the hell, dude? He better not wander off and die.”
<br>
<br>
J-Nug shrugged. “So what if he does?”
<br>
<br>
“He’ll be fine. I mean, he’s just trippin’ is all,” Prince concluded. His pupils were massive. He knelt down and picked a blade of grass, inspecting it carefully, following it closely with his eyes. He held it up and aligned it with the light of the sun, before letting go to watch it float away in slow motion.
<br>
<br>
“Good God,” he announced, “I am just frying through my goddamn skull.”
<br>
<br>
“You’re not alone,” I told him.
<br>
<br>
Everyone in sight was as openly inebriated as we were. I could focus on any one person and see their trip as plain as day. Their face would go through the entire spectrum of emotion. They’d smile, but soon frown. They’d look at peace with the world, but their look would soon subside to one of shock and confusion. Their actions made little logical sense, but I always understood where they were coming from. They could spend a whole two minutes laughing at the sight of their own hands.
<br>
<br>
A blonde-haired kid about our age approached our group, sitting on the bumper of the Red Rocket right next to us.
<br>
<br>
“Heeeey guys… howwuh you dooin?” Man, this kid sounded like he was cognitively impaired and had just downed a fifth of Jim Beam.
<br>
<br>
I laughed anxiously. “Um….” I was a little taken aback with how he had just invited himself into our group.
<br>
<br>
Suddenly he jerked his head away and jumped back as though he saw something unspeakably terrifying behind us.
<br>
<br>
“WOAH! WOAH!” he screamed at the top of his lungs, eyes popping with each exclamation.
<br>
<br>
“Holy fuck, what are you on right now man?” I had seen some strange behavior so far, but this by far was taking the cake.
<br>
<br>
“I am on… molly,” he smirked. “She is my besssssst friend. Woah, woah… WOAH! WOAH!”
<br>
<br>
“Yeah I’m down with molly, man,” I told him, trying to ignore the ear-piercing shouts he used to punctuate his sentences, “but Lucy has always been my main squeeze.”
<br>
<br>
He sank deeply into thought. Lucy?
<br>
<br>
I could see the gears turning in his head. Who’s Lucy?
<br>
<br>
“Y’know, Lucy… in the Sky… with Diamonds…” D clarified.
<br>
<br>
Finally it clicked for him. A grin crept across the width of his face. “Well… as for Lucy. I guess you could say that…. she’s my friend too!” He erupted into hysterical laughs, but they soon faded back to screams.
<br>
<br>
“WOAH! WOAH! WOAH!” He ran away from the camp.
<br>
<br>
I looked at my friends. Had that just happened? I didn’t even know what to think anymore. How could so many people’s heads be this fucked? Or is my head so fucked that I don’t even know the difference, and everyone else is just acting normal?
<br>
<br>
“Fuck that kid dude. That kid was fucking annoying.” J-Nug got more and more insightful as he sent more and more vodka down the hatch.
<br>
<br>
I saw an unmistakable tall figure walking towards camp. I prodded J-Nug, “Hey dude, look, here comes Jersey. His shirt’s back on... I figure that’s a good thing.”
<br>
<br>
J-Nug looked up, unenthused. “Fuck this kid dude. This kid is fucking annoying.”
<br>
<br>
He came up to camp as though the way he sprinted off earlier was nothing out of the ordinary. “Hey guys, you guys want any hamburgers? Man! There’s this lady back there giving out hamburgers!”
<br>
<br>
He looked me square in the eyes.
<br>
<br>
“I’ve never felt this…”
<br>
<br>
None of what he had to say concerned me very much. I was more interested in the fact that he was chewing on a stick about thick and long as my goddamn forearm, holding the whole thing up purely with the strength of his jaw.
<br>
<br>
Prince grabbed it from his mouth. “Come on, man, seriously? You don’t know where this stick has been.”
<br>
<br>
Jersey snatched it right back. “It’s my cannibalistic biting stick! We decided I needed a cannibalistic biting stick!”
<br>
<br>
His anger quickly turned to remorse. He handed it back to Prince, apologetically.
<br>
<br>
“Throw it far…”
<br>
<br>
Prince laughed, “You wanna play some goddamn fetch, man?”
<br>
<br>
Jersey gave no clear answers, but certainly smiled a lot.
<br>
<br>
Prince shrugged and thrust the stick over his shoulders, winding up for a big toss.
<br>
<br>
I had no clue what was going on, but I knew I had to stop it.
<br>
<br>
I grabbed the stick before Prince could get it airborne. “Look man, I’m all for it, but this is not the time nor the place!”
<br>
<br>
Jersey shook his head at me, disappointed. “You’re no fun.”
<br>
<br>
I was shocked. No fun? And to think I gave this rat bastard my acid.
<br>
<br>
“Say, Jersey, what do you think of the ol’ LSD?”
<br>
<br>
“It… it is my favorite.”
<br>
<br>
“That’s what I thought.”
<br>
<br>
I sure showed him. What was I showing him again? And why is Jersey taking off his pants?
<br>
<br>
“Um….”
<br>
<br>
“I’m just changing into shorts dude. I wanna go dance soon.”
<br>
<br>
The music had been going for a couple hours, but we hadn’t even gone up to the stage yet. In fact, most people hadn’t. I think we were all too fried. But as nightfall approached, we knew that’s where the party would find itself. It was about time to head up to the main attraction, The Dome.
<br>
<br>
The Dome was an extremely psychedelic place to situate yourself. It was made of metal piping (kind of like scaffolding except it was in the shape of a… dome). The pipes formed various geometric shapes all around. Triangles, pentagons, hexagons… The sound system was like none I’d ever seen or heard. Every frequency cut through crystal clear. The music couldn’t just be heard, it could be felt. The bass hits rumbled me from the inside out. The mids enveloped my whole body while the highs assaulted my frontal lobe. But like any respectable display nowadays, the Dome had to hit me on all sensory levels. Behind the stage, loops of film were rear-projected onto massive screens. There were LED lights powerful enough to shine patterns on mountain faces a few miles away. And, most importantly, the top of the dome was rigged with powerful pyrotechnics. The bass drops were accompanied with 20-foot spurts of intense flame.
<br>
<br>
The next few hours are a blur of raving with a head full of acid. Eventually J-Nug came up and tapped me on the back. He pointed back towards camp and made gestures that unmistakably communicated his desire to roast a bowl. I walked with him and Prince.
<br>
<br>
There’s a part of me that wishes I had brought a flashlight to Esthetic. It was damn near impossible to see three feet in front of me at night. On the other hand the lack of sensory input, as always, produced stunning visual effects. As we were walking, I was treated to incredible technicolor fractals all around me.
<br>
<br>
We got back to camp. “I think I’m gonna drop my first roll,” Prince said. “It’s really getting started in there.”
<br>
<br>
“Go for it dude, I’m gonna take my boomers,” I told him. I fumbled around in the tent for my big red water bottle that I’ve always used to store drugs in. Finally I found it and twisted the cap off. I pulled out the biggest ziploc bag stuck my nose in. It smelled like my favorite thing in the world, that bizarrely dungy scent of psilocybin mushrooms.
<br>
<br>
________________________________________________________________________
<br>
<br>
Saturday, June 19 2010, 11:30 PM.
<br>
<br>
Most people are not big fans of the taste of and smell of mushies. Personally, I have grown to love both. Even if they smell like shit and taste like dirt, I have grown such a good association with the trips that the sensations leading up to it always excite me. I popped them in my mouth, chewing ‘em up nice and slow, savoring it. Even after I swallow, the taste lingers for some time. It’s nice. It makes my mouth feel warm, and before long the feeling has crept into my entire body. The body tingles start in my soul and seep up through the pores of my skin, bubbling over like magma from a thick reservoir deep down beneath the surface. Before long I'm completely bug-eyed, with mouth agape and an indescribable feeling that my brain has been plastered on the outermost walls of the galaxy.
<br>
<br>
I do a lot of drugs, but I do mushrooms too. They’re not drugs. They’re much bigger than drugs.
<br>
<br>
I’m starting to feel them come on when we sit down to smoke a bowl.
<br>
<br>
“Will you pack this, dude?” Prince asks me. But one look up and he changes his mind. “Actually, you’re frying pretty hard. I won’t make you think about it, I’ll pack it.”
<br>
<br>
He corners the bowl, drags slow, and holds the hit deep in his lungs. He throws his head back in relaxation when he exhales, thick white smoke hanging in front of him. Prince is a man who loves his weed.
<br>
<br>
“Master Kush. This is some dank shit dude.”
<br>
<br>
He’s right. The bowl makes its rotations knocks us all out. It’s the kind of stone that goes right to your body.
<br>
<br>
“This weed is just taking me to Cloud 9,” Prince said.
<br>
<br>
Each word came out so slowly it was as though I could see each one formulate in front of Prince’s mouth and float away before the next one came. Time was slowing down like a locomotive. The sounds themselves were damp and muffled, like how a good DJ will start off a breakdown with the resonance backed off all the way, giving the track a drowned out sound like I'm hearing it underwater. But I always know he’ll slowly bring it up higher and higher, then higher again, maybe kicking the drums back in before the treble is piercing my ears and the tension is so high I can barely stand it. But when the bass drops back in (and in the dome, flames spit out overhead), I can take comfort in the fact that the party will rage on until the whole cycle repeats itself.
<br>
<br>
D and that giggling freak Jersey walk up to the car.
<br>
<br>
D yells in to us, “Get out of the car so I can lock it up. Oh, and grab all the water out of the trunk and put in the tent. I’ll be damned if you guys are gonna get dehydrated when you’re rolling.”
<br>
<br>
I step outside the car and am hit with a wave of vertigo. “Woah… shit…”
<br>
<br>
J-Nug nods in agreement. “It’s good bud, doggie.”
<br>
<br>
Yeah. Good bud, that’s for sure. Good ‘shrooms too.
<br>
<br>
Shit. Three grams and I'm getting up near a spiritual dose. I try not to smoke at spiritual doses. Half eighth and I can toke my heart out, but three grams… Am I really ready for this trip, stoned of my ass and with a mind already warped by LSD? Did I finally overestimate my own ability to keep it together?
<br>
<br>
Wait, what time is it? It’s too dark to see my watch, let me grab my phone. 12:08. Cool. What’s that mean, again? When did I take those mushrooms… am I peaking yet? Or am I gonna go further out, still? Am I ready for this?
<br>
<br>
Ready or not, here it comes. I’m feeling it all through my body. Waves of tension come through the top of my skull, down my torso, and phase through my arms and legs until they finally reach my outer extremities. Fuck, I’m in for something big.
<br>
<br>
Something’s coming for me. The whole world’s rumbling.
<br>
<br>
“Wwweee’rrreee gggooonnnnnnaaa hhheeeaaaddd bbbaaaccckkk tttooo ttthhheee dddooommmeee.”
<br>
<br>
I nod. “I’ll come with.”
<br>
<br>
Why did I say that? Who am I talking to? I can’t hear my own voice, but I can see the sound project outward and reverberate. Yes, I have certainly said something.
<br>
<br>
I don’t know how long I’ve been following these people for. It’s felt like ten seconds and it’s felt like two years. Wait, where did they go? I wish I had a flashlight. Who are they again? I stop walking. Why would I even want to walk… why would I start? It’s certainly easier to stand.
<br>
<br>
Darkness is no longer dark. These patterns can be ignored no longer.
<br>
<br>
All around me there are swirling vibrations. They have no color; they’re beyond it. They’re moving constantly, spiraling upward like Da Vinci’s early conceptions of helicopters. They’re dependent on one another, drawing on each other’s energy for stability, forming grand double helixes like colossal strands of DNA.
<br>
<br>
But all things come to an end. Nothing ever lasts forever, right? Each end of these things is fixed onto something definite. Each half is distinct, the bottom and the top. It’s like it’s a circular vortex, spinning…
<br>
<br>
Wait a minute… I recognize these fuckers! They spun me all to hell the last time I tripped 20x Salvia. These are my thoughts. Good thoughts, bad thoughts… They can be friends or foes, and they’re not afraid to switch on a dime. Trust me, I’ve seen it happen, and it can be a very ugly thing.
<br>
<br>
But not this time. I’m in control now. How should I let these things spin me, when it’s really me who spins them? This vision is familiar to me. I remember it from the time I Hippy Flipped.
<br>
<br>
It’s the one cycle that all the others are derived from. It starts in my mind and projects upward to the highest imaginable peak. Here I find concepts, ideals, the way things ought to be. It’s the infinite truth of the yin. It is completely unbound by time, because it can apply to any and every moment. I'm in control of it; I can mold it any way I please. Everything’s perfect for me there, because it’s a construction I’ve created by and for myself. I think that, as day turns to night, this must be the place I visit in my dreams. But as much as I’d like to, I can’t stay there. I have to sink downward, past a crucial split.
<br>
<br>
From there it swings to a low valley, where everything is contained within the finite point of the present moment. Here I find the other truth: not the truth of concept, but the truth of action. It’s unbendable. I cannot change what I’ve done once I’ve done it, though it’s easy to wish I could. That’s how people get hung up here. The heart of the yang is so immediate and tangible that I can lose sight of the other side of things. On one hand, a thought without action is rendered meaningless. No-one will congratulate me for what I regulate to the realm of my own mind. On the other hand, an action without thought is rendered dangerous. Then it becomes the epicenter of miscommunication, giving rise to conflict and confrontation. Actions have a lot of weight, for better or worse.
<br>
<br>
But in the big scheme, I rise back up from this point. The cycle enters back to my body through the chest, hitting the heart as it goes. It pumps the blood and circulates the oxygen and oxygen that animates my being. Then, at some ineffable chakra between the aorta and the cerebral cortex: Ouroboros. The serpent eats its tail, and the whole thing starts again.
<br>
<br>
I’ve seen this all before. I’m comfortable with it. I guess maybe it’s time to turn my head.
<br>
<br>
Visions like this are inescapable and infinite in this darkness. But in the distance I see a source of light, a source of sound, a source of creation.
<br>
<br>
I begin walking towards it, taking note of the fantastic sights around me. Three dimensional patterns are beneath me at this point. I’m seeing cubes that seem to occupy a fourth spatial dimension. I heard of these fuckers in Accelerated Math Analysis, but not like this, not hundreds of them looking me in the face. What’s the word for these, these shapes have a word…
<br>
<br>
“…tesseract, yes, certainly… they’re tesseracts.”
<br>
<br>
I’ve arrived at my destination. Look at these shapes, look at these lights. This is a truly intricate hallucination. Or is this the part that’s real? The line is getting fuzzy.
<br>
<br>
No, no. This is the Dome. This is what I came for. But why is everyone looking at me?
<br>
<br>
Are they just looking at me in all my dosed glory? Are they looking at my raggedy, torn up jeans and button-up shirt, two sizes too big, with the pattern of an American flag sewn across? Are they looking at my pupils, the size of flying saucers? Are they looking at me because I wandered in here mumbling about tesseracts?
<br>
<br>
I need to avoid their stares. Just turn around and walk away.
<br>
<br>
But I turn around and the stage is blocking my path. Oh wait… maybe that’s what these people were looking at.
<br>
<br>
Maybe I should turn back around and explain myself.
<br>
<br>
There’s no point, really. The ability to communicate a rational thought in English left me a long time ago.
<br>
<br>
Everything has left me, really. I’m a blank slate, regressed to a completely infantile frame of mind. When I was first born, I hadn’t placed any filters on my thoughts yet. There was only one thing going to my mind: pure human experience. As I was raised, there needed to be filters placed on these thoughts, purely for the sake of survival. As a biological organism, I cannot survive if I have no larger scope on the nature things, nothing to fill the void that exists beyond the definitions of the present moment.
<br>
<br>
The most basic of these thought filters is the filter of language. This is what children pick up first. They learn that that a certain concept is intrinsically linked to a specific vocal expression, the most comprehensible and basic ideas being “Yes” and “No.”
<br>
<br>
From there we have to filter our experience further. To be able to express more complex thoughts, we need to follow the collectively agreed upon pattern. This becomes the subjects, the predicates, the rules of grammar. It becomes the language. It becomes a specific pattern in thought that we adhere too, even though it’s not the only pattern out there.
<br>
<br>
Experience needs to be filtered down if we have any hope of being a functioning member of society. If we didn’t filter it, we’d constantly be like me… a freak with all his senses overloaded. If we can’t filter our thoughts down to something expressible, we cannot communicate with other human beings. We can’t collaborate with them. We can’t survive.
<br>
<br>
Programming a sound into a synthesizer works in a very similar way. You start with a basic, initialized waveform. If you play the synth at this point, it will simply sound a pitch. From there, a producer will run it through filters, oscillators, envelopes, and modulators, which will cancel out some frequencies and thus emphasize others. This is known as subtractive synthesis. You can start with the form of a sine wave and create a literally infinite number of unique sounds, not because you added anything to the initial waveform, but because you took things away. In this same fashion, you can encounter an infinite number of unique personalities in your life, all crafted by filtering out parts of the waveform of basic human experience.
<br>
<br>
Psychedelic drugs take off all my mind’s filters, oscillators, envelopes, and modulators. I can see my speech, my mannerisms, and everything that shapes me as a human being manifest itself into patterns coming towards me from every imaginable direction. There’s an innate humor present in a drug trip, and fundamentally it is self-deprecating. I'm laughing at myself. I'm laughing because I see how I’ve been stumbling through my life in one particular way, when there’s a million different ways I could go, and I'm laughing because I think myself a fool for missing things so fantastically different yet so apparently obvious.
<br>
<br>
At this point, I’m laughing quite a bit. Things are getting very bizarre.
<br>
<br>
I look up towards the light show. My head cocks to the left. My joy leaves me. My smile leaves me. The steady pulse of the music puts me in a trance. My whole body starts to sway backward and forward. If you were to get up, stare at one point high on the wall of the far side of the room, and proceed to draw large circles with your head, you would be making about the same motion I was.
<br>
<br>
The entirety of human experience as I have ever known is beginning to fold in on itself. Time is compressing. Everything I’ve ever perceived and ever will is pushing into itself like an accordion, until it becomes a single, comprehensible axis on a higher plane.
<br>
<br>
I have finally come to the edge, and whether I like or not I’m getting pushed over into a new dimension. I’m aware of my surroundings in the immediate physical realm, but it’s no longer of any concern to me. The world has been rendered insignificant. The universe as I have ever understood it is just one universe. One of many.
<br>
<br>
Now that universe has subsided to a gigantic, rushing, fractal pattern (more specifically, The Mandelbrot Set), in which I can perceive not only our universe, but parallel universes as well. I see every course of action that could have been possibly been taken throughout the history of time. Whether or not that was the course of action that actually was taken is no longer significant, it is simply one manner in which things could have unfolded. In a sense, actions have lost all their weight. I’ve been freed completely from the prison of the present moment.
<br>
<br>
What is action? Why does it matter? I’ll spend the whole night drawing circles with my head if I damn well feel like it.
<br>
<br>
Now there’s no way anyone around me could not know I’m tripping. I see people walk by and stare at me, some give me two thumbs up, some are simply taken aback, and others seem legitimately concerned that a kid so young has gotten so screwed up.
<br>
<br>
A lady comes up to me. I figure her to be in her sixties, certainly of the older crowd that attends an event like this. She’s too old to rave, but here for the concept. She’s an old hippy. I figure her for a Burning Man veteran. Hell, she looks like she could have even lived through the Haight-Ashbury scene. Clearly though, she knows what I’m going through.
<br>
<br>
She speaks to me. “Trpinipg?”
<br>
<br>
Every one of my senses is too warped for me to hear her correctly. I’m sure I have the same look of confusion as the WOAH-shouting candy flipper I encountered earlier that night.
<br>
<br>
“Um…”
<br>
<br>
She speaks again, louder, clearer. “Tripping?”
<br>
<br>
I respond the only way I really can: I giggle. I make a Herculean effort to say “Yes,” or even to just nod, but I can’t.
<br>
<br>
Still, she understands.
<br>
<br>
She smiles. I’ve seen this before, the same smile my neighbor gave me when he heard of my plans to take these ridiculous drugs. The smile that has behind it some incredible telepathic meaning that I wouldn’t want to disgrace by trying to put into words. It’s the smile of shared experience.
<br>
<br>
She clasps her hands over my face. It takes me by surprise, this sensation.
<br>
<br>
“Cold,” she says. “Hands. Cold.”
<br>
<br>
“Yeah, her hands are cold,” I think.
<br>
<br>
By only giving me a few words to link up, she made me create a communicable thought, something I hadn’t done in a long time. She didn’t try to talk me down. She helped me help myself out of my trip. Shit, how long was I gone? Is there any further out to go? And, most importantly, how long until I get stuck out there again?
<br>
<br>
Boy, am I tripping. Thank God I get off on this kind of thing. I knew this would happen. I came prepared. When my head has gone out to play like this, there’s only one sure-fire remedy to keep me engaged. There’s only one thing that will fix me tight onto positive vibrations and never let me let go. Rolls. Thizz. E. Love Speed. It’s all about the Ecstasy, and I brought three of the best pills money can buy around here. But time is running out. I need to get back to camp. I need to pop at least one of those magic little e-bombs in my mouth before I get catapulted back out to the astral plane.
<br>
<br>
I have to find my friends again. It doesn’t take much looking. I tap D on the shoulder. I can tell he’s relieved to see me.
<br>
<br>
“DUDE! Where the hell did you go? I thought we’d lost you. Shit, man, I thought you were dead.”
<br>
<br>
“I might have been.”
<br>
<br>
J-Nug is crunkenly waving his hands in the air. Jersey is all smiles. The acid is still going strong. Prince is already rolling. He dropped when I ate my mushrooms. It’s funny how easy it is to tell when somebody is on a roll. They seem so content, so at peace with themselves and the world. I think to myself, “There’s no way somebody could be that happy for no particular reason unless they were rolling.”
<br>
<br>
Prince is dancing harder than I’ve ever seen him dance before. He’s had a Yellow Puma. Supposedly, they were cut with coke. But when pushers have pills, they’ll always say it’s cut with coke. It sounds much more exotic that way. The fact of the matter is there’s not a whiff of coke in those pills, but certainly some straight amphetamine. As for how much amp there is, only two people know: God and the Chemist.
<br>
<br>
Prince turns to me smiling. Now, there’s a significant difference between a roll smile and a trip smile. A trip smile is akin to the expression I get when I’ve just heard an incredibly bad pun, and softly laughing is the only way to ease the awkward tension that’s thick in the room. A roll smile is more like an elated smirk, a display of absolute understanding usually only seen by those I care about the most, to let people know that I appreciate them for who they are.
<br>
<br>
“THESE PILLS ARE FUCKING SLAPPERS!”
<br>
<br>
Prince tells me what I can already see.
<br>
<br>
“Hell yeah, dude. I need to get back to camp and drop one.”
<br>
<br>
“I’ll come with you. I’m gonna take my molly.”
<br>
<br>
We walk back to camp.
<br>
<br>
“How are the ‘shrooms treating you?” Prince asks.
<br>
<br>
Shit, I can’t think about that now. If I start trying to tell him where my head was just at, there’s a good chance I’d go back there again. There are more pressing matters at hand.
<br>
<br>
“Well, the pot sure made it come on fast.”
<br>
<br>
Prince chuckles, “Yeah.” He pops a capsule of good brown molly that came through town a few months back. We heard later that the chemist said it was pure MDA. And, the chemist is one of two people who would actually know.
<br>
<br>
It’s dark, I can’t see where my hands are going.
<br>
<br>
“What are you looking for?” Prince asks.
<br>
<br>
Hmmm… what am I looking for again?
<br>
<br>
“I’m looking for a, uh…”
<br>
<br>
I keep my drugs inside my big red water bottle, but I can’t for the life of me remember the term “water bottle.”
<br>
<br>
“Shit, I’m looking for a…”
<br>
<br>
Prince is holding a plastic water bottle. I snatch it out of his hands and point to it, and then point to it again. I’m getting in a trance again. I can’t think, I just keep pointing and pointing. Prince is taken aback, watching me and laughing. My mind is going. I can’t lose it again, this close to finding my ecstasy. Shit, I can’t believe I’m about to take more drugs. I keep pointing and Prince keeps laughing. It takes a lot of willpower, but suddenly, there’s a burst of communicative energy.
<br>
<br>
“The word! I’m just trying to think of the next word! My thizz is in one of these….”
<br>
<br>
Suddenly, it comes to me.
<br>
<br>
“WATER BOTTLE! Yeah, that’s what I’m looking for goddammit! A water bottle!”
<br>
<br>
It feels like a great victory to have pulled myself out of the trance. Communication, that’s what it’s all about.
<br>
<br>
Prince has a light and helps me find my bag of pills. They’re so little and adorable. I take them in my palm and shine a light on, admiring the press. Two Blue Rolexes and one Green Puma. The press is clean on them all, with finely detailed logos.
<br>
<br>
Now, I’m someone who does his research before going in on a pill. Pillreports.com, and Ecstasydata.org are lifesavers. All evidence I had access to led me to believe the Rolexes would be very MDxx high (subjective experiences suspected MDA), and I paid top dollar for them. The Green Puma was more akin to Prince’s pill. Good amount of MDMA, good amount of amp. The Puma will be speedy, I figure I’ll save it for last, to really keep me going even after the sun has risen.
<br>
<br>
Shit, I can’t believe I’m about to take more drugs.
<br>
<br>
<br>
<br>
Sunday, June 20 2010, 12:30 AM
<br>
<br>
I can’t stand the taste of Ecstasy, but it’s necessary. I always chew up my pills, for two reasons. 1) It gives a horrible chemical taste to remind me that I’m putting horrible chemicals in my body. 2) It makes them come on faster.
<br>
<br>
Rolls on their own are ok. I’m in the minority of users in that I don’t do back flips over how fantastic the effects are. I figure I have the same aversion to ecstasy that some people have to cheesecake. It’s too light, too sweet, too rich, and too fluffy. Still, I will never how a person could dislike cheesecake.
<br>
<br>
The problem with rolling is that it will take me to the most incredible places, but give me no clues as to how I got there. It launches me upward, keeps me on top of the highest mountain for three hours, and instantaneously tears me back down. This is when it's easy to crash completely, to lose sight of the beautiful feeling that once seemed so obvious, and come to the conclusion that the only way to get back to that space is to take more ecstasy. This is what can render the experience meaningless. I dance through the comedown. Close my eyes, get some water, shit, do what I need to do, but make sure I keep dancing hard as ever. I need to expel my own energy in order to integrate the ecstasy experience.
<br>
<br>
The full glory of a roll unveils itself when mixed it with hallucinogens. The psychedelics give me the bigger picture needed to grasp the experience as it’s happening. I don’t have to go through the trouble of comprehending a roll after a depressing comedown, you can work to understand the roll and its implications at the peak. There’s this wonderful interplay between the head and the heart when the peaks overlap, the trip’s introspective understanding mixed with the raw emotion intensity of MDMA. The interaction between the drugs is unspeakably beautiful.
<br>
<br>
I always feel a roll come on faster than a trip. For the first twenty minutes, the buzz is nearly imperceptible. I step on the dance floor and it’s business as usual. There’s repetition in dancing. Whether we know it or not, we always get locked in to a similar groove. In ten minutes or so and something strange happens. I'm not even thinking about it, but at some point there was a moment where my inhibitions completely dissolved. My body is moving into spatial dimensions it’s never considered before. I'm feeling the music from the inside outward, and motion has become effortless.
<br>
<br>
The only thing more remarkable than what’s happening to my body is what’s happening to my mind. Insecurities have evaporated. There’s no shame in myself, anything I have to say or do. But the really heavy thing is this sense of obligation to try and bring others to my level. When I see someone, I smile. Not because I'm amused, far from it. I smile because I want people to know that I accept them. I want them to know it’s perfectly ok to be who they are. I want them to know all the things I know.
<br>
<br>
I spaced my Rolexes 30 minutes apart. I’d had my fair share of rolls before, but nothing like that. Nothing that pure. Nothing that clean. That was even better than the best molly I’d ever got in on. Somehow people have been suckered into this notion that molly is more reliable than pills. “Hey, I don’t even fuck with pills maaaan, it’s all about the molly, maaan, you gotta go molly, you gotta go puuuuure.”
<br>
<br>
Fuck that noise. If you think what you get is pure because it’s in the form of a nondescript white powder, then I don’t even know where your head’s at. Even if it’s got that nice brown tinge, how do you really know what you’re getting? At least with pills there are online resources, places where you can get a good idea what’s going in your system before you get in on a batch.
<br>
<br>
And the Rolexes were a helluva batch. Incredibly MDA high. No wonder I got charged extra.
<br>
<br>
Something funny happened to me over that roll, something that’s never happened to me before. There’s a gap in my memory. People frequently drink to the point of blacking out, but I’ve never come close to the experience myself. This was the first time anything like that happened to me. But I wouldn’t call it a black out; I’d call it a white out.
<br>
<br>
1:00 to 4:00 AM that morning must have been an experience unlike any other. That was it, that was the Jedi Flip. The ‘shrooms and the X synced up perfectly. It was essentially a Hippy Flip superimposed on the latter half of an acid trip. There are only bits and pieces of it I can recall, but they’re permanently carved into my mind like beautiful portraits, scenes from the best movie never made.
<br>
<br>
I recall at one point I was raving up front by the stage and the mixer and the turntables. A man with a cowboy hat leaned in towards me.
<br>
<br>
“Why don’t you jump up there?” he said, pointing to a spot on the stage right in front of the speaker cabinets.
<br>
<br>
I couldn’t tell whether he was joking or serious.
<br>
<br>
“Go on,” he said, grinning. “Dance your little heart out.”
<br>
<br>
“Yeah,” I thought, “why don’t I jump up there? Who’s to make me stay down here anyway?”
<br>
<br>
I leapt up and turned around to face the crowd, pointing upward, beating my arms in frantic circles to the beat as the kick drum boomed. People appreciate any such show of energy, I think. People gathered around and threw their arms up like mine. The man in the cowboy hat was jumping up and down, screaming, cheering, eyes rolling up into his head. He was elated, I think, by the fact that his idea had been acted on. It didn’t matter who had done the acting.
<br>
<br>
It wasn’t long though before a crew member pulled me down. “We can’t let you stay up there. It’s a safety hazard, for you and our equipment.”
<br>
<br>
“Makes sense,” I said. I was, after all, on some very unpredictable substances.
<br>
<br>
He acted like he didn’t want to have pulled me down. “Do you want a cigarette?” he offered, in consolation.
<br>
<br>
“No thanks.” I told him.
<br>
<br>
“Well… You gotta light?”
<br>
<br>
I reached in my pocket and flicked my bic. I held it up to the cigarette dangling from his mouth and the flame danced and flickered in the wind. He sucked the smoke in like it was soda through a straw, his jaw slowly lowering to create suction. The cherry flared up and the end of the stick was glowing. It always amazes me how easy cigarettes light. It’s all the chemicals they treat it with to make it burn even.
<br>
<br>
He exhaled and gave me a nod as if to say “You’re alright,” before I went back on the dance floor. He had long silvery hair and spoke with a thick English accent. He must have been there with Meat Katie: a breaks DJ, a Londoner, and the headliner of the festival. I had been psyching myself up for Meat Katie’s set.
<br>
<br>
Problem is, I do not recall Meat Katie at all. He was playing at the height of my Jedi Flip. It trips me out that I can recall a small encounter with a crew member vividly, but I can’t even picture Meat Katie’s face when he was the one making me dance for hours on end. There’s a lot of things I don’t remember. I’m sure I was dancing the whole time, though.
<br>
<br>
Several months later I went to a friend’s house to smoke hookah while his parents were out of town, and the 21 year old “house sitter” was throwing a party there. I walked into the living room where there were all these young adults sitting around and playing drinking games when suddenly one screamed out, “DUDE! I HAVE A PICTURE OF YOU!” I looked over my shoulders, was this motherfucker really talking to me? I don’t even know this guy. Maybe he’s just drunk. But he leapt up, whipped out his camera, and handed it to me.
<br>
<br>
Sure enough there I was, Jedi Flipping. I was drenched in sweat. Every part of my body looked like it was caught midstream in some heinously intense motion. My eyes were closed, and every muscle on my face was tensed up in pleasure. Apparently that’s just how I look when every motion I make brings orgasmic sensations through my entire body. Apparently that’s how I act when every pore of my skin is ejaculating the pure light of God. Apparently that’s what makes me white out. Apparently that’s the kind of thing that total strangers find picture worthy.
<br>
<br>
And to think, if I hadn’t been wearing that same oversized American flag shirt, he wouldn’t have recognized me at all.
<br>
<br>
<br>
Sunday, June 20 2010, 4:00 AM
<br>
<br>
“We’re gonna go to sleep.”
<br>
<br>
All my friends are calling it quits. I don’t blame any of them. J-Nug and D have been running solely on alcohol and cannabis, neither of which are exactly known to keep people awake. Jersey’s trip is done, and Prince is in the throes of an X crash.
<br>
<br>
My pills are wearing off too, but I knew that would happen. That’s why I came prepared. The Green Puma will do me nicely. My reservoir of natural energy has been fully tapped, but with enough amphetamines in my system I won’t notice the difference. I better chew it up now. If I sync up the come-up of one roll with the comedown of another, the transition is very smooth. At this point, the feelings of a crash must be avoided at all costs. Sometimes I can’t recover from a thing like that. I reach in my pocket watch pocket and put the e-bomb on my tongue.
<br>
<br>
There it is. There’s the bitter taste. There’s the chemistry working. I’ve bought myself three more hours in the zone and I should make them count. I’m on the tail-end of the mushroom trip, and there’s a minor but still perceptible afterglow from the LSD. But there were a few hours there where it was all overlapping. The ‘cid, the ‘shrooms, and the X all piled on top of one another to from this otherworldly trifecta of pure psychedelically indulged bliss. I guess that makes me a Jedi now.
<br>
<br>
But what in God’s name drives a person to do a thing like that? I’ve taken these three powerful allies and used them in such an indulgent, hedonistic fashion. The LSD and the Mushrooms together were the kind of experience that could drive you completely off your skull. And what was my remedy for that… taking more drugs? Maybe this isn’t even drug use any more. Maybe this is abuse. Am I doing this for personal growth anymore? Have I been using these drugs for so long as a mere escape from reality? If that’s so, then what makes me better than an alcoholic, a coke fiend, a popper or a junkie?
<br>
<br>
Maybe they’re right, those people who seem so concerned about my habits. Those people who insist I have a drug problem. Those people at parties who always tell me that what I do is “bad for my brain” while I can smell the alcohol on my breath. Those people who insist that tripping will cause some incurable mental disorder. Those people who doubt that I’m in control.
<br>
<br>
It puts me in a bad mood to see people talk like that. It’s so often that when they say it, they have such a genuine look of concern on their face that I can barely stand to look at. I can’t bear that they’re that concerned. Furthermore, I can’t bear that they’re that concerned about me. And most of all, I can’t bear that they’re that concerned about me for no good reason at all. It used to be I’d try to spit statistics at people, explain to them how scientifically safe these things are for my brain, especially in comparison to their substances of choice. But anymore I’ve given that up. I just let them feel sorry for me. If it helps them feel better about themselves, then I guess there’s no harm done.
<br>
<br>
But when I take one look around me, at everyone still thizzin’ at 4 AM and dancing their asses off, I can see that same look of concern all around me. I see water jugs being passed around communally, everyone concerned with the level of collective hydration. I see everyone smiling, concerned to let others know that everything is all right. I see people concerned with the happiness of themselves and all around them. And when I see things like this, there’s nothing better than the underlying feeling that I’m a part of something good, some incredible positive vibration that we’re somehow all spinning around on. There’s nothing better than to think about all those people who are worried about me, and to understand they’re concerned, fundamentally, out of love. There’s nothing better than to know that there’s people who care that much. But, most of all, there’s nothing to better than to know that those people are wrong. Am I out of control? Fuck no, I’m a goddamn Jedi. That’s as in control as it gets.
<br>
<br>
By 7 AM, the mushrooms had certainly worn off. The acid had subsided hours before. My roll was coming to an end as abruptly as the music was going to. There were only ten other freaks left in the dome. One look at any of us and you’d know that we all had lost our minds at one point or another during the course of the night. How else could we think that dancing to 160 BPM psy-trance after pulling an all-nighter was a reasonable investment of energy? As the final hits of the music faded away, one girl among us rounded us all up, had us lock arms and do a circular Russian dance in one final act of celebration.
<br>
<br>
“WE MADE IT THROUGH THE NIGHT! WE MADE IT THROUGH THE NIGHT!”
<br>
<br>
I looked down at my feet as I stumbled out of the dome and onto the dirt. My body was done. It was time to crash. It felt like a Herculean effort to keep my eyes open, or to even stand up. It was hard to stop from collapsing right there on the spot. Off in the distance, somebody was watching me in my stupor, laughing at the sight. As I approached, I made the figure out more clearly. It was my neighbor.
<br>
<br>
I was drenched in sweat when I walked past him, giving him the slightest nod I could afford. He slapped me firmly on the back as I passed. He still had it. That same smile. If a picture can say as much as a thousand words, that smile can say as much as a thousand pictures. I’d seen it on the old hippie woman, pulling me out of hyperspace, I’d seen it on dozens of dedicated dancers, completely loaded on X in the wee hours, and I’d seen it on this same man the previous evening, when he learned of the insanity I planned to embark on. It was the smile of shared experience.
<br>
<br>
“What’s up, Obi-Wan?”<!-- End Body -->
<br><br style="clear:both;">
<table border="0" cellpadding="5" cellspacing="0" class="footdata">
<tr><td width="700">Exp Year: 2010</td><td width="90">ExpID: 86863</td></tr>
<tr><td>Gender: Male</td><td> </td></tr>
<tr><td>Age at time of experience: 17</td><td> </td></tr>
<tr><td>Published: May 18, 2011</td><td>Views: 130,054</td></tr>
<tr><td colspan="2" align="center">[ <a href="exp.php?ID=86863&amp;format=pdf" type="text/pdf">View as PDF (for printing)</a> ] [ <a href="exp_pdf.php?ID=86863&amp;format=latex">View as LaTeX (for geeks)</a> ]
[ <a href="#" onclick="expChangeColors(); return false;">Switch Colors</a> ]
</td></tr>
<tr><td colspan="2">LSD (2), Mushrooms (39), MDMA (3) : Glowing Experiences (4), Combinations (3), Festival / Lg. Crowd (24)</td></tr>
<!-- <img src="/images/new.gif" alt="May"> -->
</table>
</div> |
"<div class="report-text-surround">\n<table cellspacing="0" cellpadding(...TRUNCATED) |
"<div class="report-text-surround">\n<table cellspacing="0" cellpadding(...TRUNCATED) |
"<div class="report-text-surround">\n<table cellspacing="0" cellpadding(...TRUNCATED) |
"<div class="report-text-surround">\n<table cellspacing="0" cellpadding(...TRUNCATED) |
"<div class="report-text-surround">\n<table cellspacing="0" cellpadding(...TRUNCATED) |
"<div class="report-text-surround">\n<table cellspacing="0" cellpadding(...TRUNCATED) |
End of preview. Expand
in Dataset Viewer.
from datasets import load_dataset
ds = load_dataset("zero1zero/erowid")
- Downloads last month
- 50