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I just finished a jigsaw puzzle. It only took me six months, which is amazing considering the box says 2-4 years.

Did you know that pigeons die after they have sex? At least the one I fucked did.

Job interview ‘What's your weakness?’ ‘Honesty.’ ‘I don't think honesty is a weakness.’ ‘I don't give a fuck what you think.’

A farmer has 895 sheep. Realising that this is quite a lot of sheep for one farm, and Jess the sheepdog is getting a bit old, he decides he'll probably need a new dog- no, a whole team of dogs- to round so many sheep up. So the next day, the farmer goes to the pet store. He looks around at the various herding dogs- they seem very fit, but young and untrained. The shopkeeper asks the farmer if he wants any help. "Why yes," says the farmer. I need a team of sheepdogs to help round up my flock. I have a rather large number of sheep, you see, and I don't think any of these young pups would be up to the task of rounding up so many." The shopkeeper says, "I've got just the thing for you." and leads the farmer into a small back room, where a single sheepdog sits waiting. "Are you sure?" asks the farmer, "I have very many sheep and I don't think one dog will be able to round all of them up.". "I'm sure." says the shopkeeper, "This is a very intelligent dog. He's been well-trained for many jobs and has skills beyond any other dog I've ever seen." "Yes," says the dog, "I know six languages, eight martial arts and I have a degree in engineering." The farmer, clearly very impressed by this dog- who wouldn't be impressed by that?- decides to take him home. That afternoon, the farmer and the dog walk together up hill, and from the top they can see the entire flock covering the fields. "Well," says the farmer, "I'd like you to round up all of these sheep.". "Okay." replies the dog, "You have nine hundred sheep."

I’ve been training for months to achieve the world record title of ‘Furthest Ejaculation’. I can’t believe how far I’ve come.

So I tried donating blood the other day, but left after they bothered me with all those questions. Like "where did you get this blood?" or "why is there so much?"

They say there's plenty of fish in the sea But until I catch one I'm just sittin' here holding my rod

A guy goes to the doctor with a sore leg.... The doctor runs the normal tests and takes some x-rays. Unable to find the problem he finally decides to listen to the leg with his stethoscope, at the knee he hears "hey give me $5" at the calf he hears "hey give me $10" at the ankle he hears "hey give me$15". He takes off the stethoscope, looks up the patient and says " I have some bad news, your leg is broke in three places"

My neighbors listen to great music and I don't care if they want it or not.

A child asked his father, "How were people born? A child asked his father, "How were people born?" So his father said, "Adam and Eve made babies, then their babies became adults and made babies, and so on." The child then went to his mother, asked her the same question and she told him, "We were monkeys then we evolved to become like we are now." The child ran back to his father and said, "You lied to me!" His father replied, "No, your mom was talking about her side of the family."

A joke my dad told me when I was little Three men decide to take a hunting trip. They get to the camping site and set up their tent and immediately get ready and set out on their first day of hunting. After an hour or so one of the men, frustrated and tired of not bagging any animals yet decided to lean up against a tree and take a rest while the other men press on. He tells them he’ll catch up with them in a bit. The other two men spend the next few hours searching and eventually shot a huge beautiful deer. They’re dragging their kill to the campsite when they stop by the tree their friend slept against, surprised to see him still asleep. Fed up with their friends’ lazy day, they have an idea and gut the deer right then and there and leave the guts and blood all over their friend. They return to the site with their kill and set a campfire and drink a few beers. About an hour later, the lazy friend returns to the campsite dragging a stick behind him with a blank look on his face. The two men try to contain their laughter as they asked “what’s wrong?” The lazy friend said: “well, as I was sleeping, I must have shit out all of my guts. But with the lords help, and this stick, I shoved them all back up there.”

My sister walked in and caught me masturbating. She called me a sick pervert. I walked in and caught *her* masturbating. She called me a sick pervert. There's no justice in this world.

My girlfriend and I often laugh about how competitive we are. But I laugh more.

What award did the creator of knock knock jokes win? The No-Bell prize. :D

Did you hear about the drummer who decided to name all his daughters the same name? Anna 1 Anna 2 Anna 3 Anna 4

A BEAUTIFUL WOMAN LOVES GROWING TOMATOES A beautiful woman loves to garden, but can't seem to get her tomatoes to turn red. She asks her neighbor, "What do you do to get your tomatoes red?" He replies, "Twice a day I stand in front of my tomato garden and expose myself. My tomatoes turn red from blushing so much." The woman decides to do the same thing. So twice a day for two weeks she exposes herself to the garden. Her neighbor asks, "How did it go? Did you tomatoes turn red?" "No," she replies, "but my cucumbers are enormous."

I once brought a jackass and a honeycomb into a brothel... I once brought a jackass and a honeycomb into a brothel. The Madame asked, "what can we do for you?" I said, "I need a woman to lay with, for mine has left me." The Madame asked "You poor thing; whatever for? And why do you have a jackass and a honeycomb?" "Well," I answered, "my woman stumbled upon a genie in a bottle, and he granted her 3 wishes. The first was to have the nicest ass in the land, so he gave her this jackass. Her second wish was for a 'house fit for a queen', so he gave her this beehive." The Madame asked, "And what of the third wish?" "For her third wish, my woman asked the genie to make my cock hang down past my knee." "Well, that one's not so bad!" the Madame exclaimed. "'Not so bad!?', I replied, "I used to be 6 feet tall!" \- Tyrion "the Imp" Lannister

Why do they evacuate women and children first in a crisis? That's the only way the men will finally get some goddamn peace and quiet before they die.

What do a pizza delivery driver and a gynecologist have in common? They both have to smell it, but neither of them can eat it

Why couldn't the psychic fit in the small shirt? Because he was a medium

What’s the difference between a priest and acne? Acne waits until a boy is 13 before he comes on his face.

Knock, Knock. Who's there? Dave. Dave who? Dave proceeds to break into tears as his grandmother's Alzheimers has progressed to the point where she can no longer remember him.

How does an Apple Watch owner know that it's midday? It's already run out of battery.

The President of Iran calls Trump & tells him "I had a dream last night...." "New York was in ruins & aflame, with Iranian flags flying above." Trump replies: "Funny, I had a dream last night too. Teheran beautiful and prosperous, happy people celebrating in the streets, with big banners hanging everywhere." "What did the banners say?", asked the Iranian President. "I don't know," Trump answers, "I can't read Hebrew."

I went for a job interview today and the manager said,"We're looking for someone who is responsible" ..."Well I'm your man" I replied,"In my last job, whenever anything went wrong they said I was responsible"

I just read somewhere that capitalization is the difference between "I helped my uncle Jack off a horse" and "i helped my uncle jack off a horse". Well that's embarrassing. Now everyone thinks my uncle's name is Jack.

A little old woman went to the drugstore and pleaded, "My husband isn't performing as he should, do you have anything that can help?" The pharmacist smiled and said, "Yes, of course! Viagra!" Puzzled, she asked, "Is it any good?" "It's marvelous! I take it myself!" he exclaimed. "Sounds brilliant, can you get it over the counter?" she inquired. Sheepishly, he responded, "Well, only if I take four!"

The flesh inside your cheeks is identical to the flesh inside a vagina. You're licking the insides of your cheeks, aren't you?

What does the Quran have in common with weed? Burn it and you get stoned

What is the average temperature in China? 451° F

If Americans switched from pounds to kilograms over night There would be mass confusion.

Nice Legs.. A man goes to a bar and sees a 'larger' girl dancing on a table. He walks over to her and says, "Wow, nice legs!" She is flattered and replies, "You really think so?" The man says, "Oh definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now."

A policeman stopped me for driving over 30. But I swear I got at least 40 people.

People tell me I speak like an athiest... But I don't believe any of that nonsense.

If your girl complains that you never take her anywhere expensive Take her to the gas station.

I have blue eyes. I got them from my father. My mother has black eyes. She also got them from my father.

16 Sodium atoms walked into a bar followed by Batman

A tennis ball walks into a restaurant.... a waiter asks: "Have you been served?"

What do you call a singing laptop? A Dell

I used to perform circumcisions for a living. I got tons of tips.

On Sale Now - Houston Texans Get em for only a quarter

What's the difference between choking fetish and necrophilia? About 15 seconds

How do you tell a boy chromosome from a girl chromosome? Pull down their genes.

My buddy was dating twins... I asked him how he could tell them apart, and he replied, "That's easy. Barbara has really big tits and Bob has a mustache."

A man walks into a bar... The bartender asks "Why the long face?" The man replies "I just found out my wife is sleeping with another man. I've decided I'm going to drink myself to death." The bartender looks shocked and says "I'm sorry I can't help you kill yourself." The man asks "Well what would you do in my situation?" The bartender puffs himself up a bit and says "If I found out a guy was sleeping with my wife I wouldn't sit around feeling sorry for myself, I'd kill the guy." The man jumps up from his stool and shouts "That's a great idea! Thanks!" and runs out of the bar. A couple hours goes by and the bartender is starting to get nervous when the man walks back into the bar with a smile on his face. "Did you kill the guy?" The bartender asks nervously. "Nope! I slept with your wife. Whiskey please."

This elderly lady went to the doctor for a check-up. Everything checked out fine. The old lady pulled the doctor to the side and said, ”Doctor, I haven’t had sex for years now and I was wondering how I can increase my husband’s sex drive.” The doctor smiled and said, ”Have you tried to give him Viagra?” The lady frowned. ”Doctor, I can’t even get him to take aspirin when he has a headache,” she claimed. ”Well,” the doctor continued, ”Let me suggest something. Crush the Viagra into a powder. When you are giving him coffee, stir it into the coffee and serve it. He won’t notice a thing.” The old lady was delighted. She left the doctor’s office quickly. Weeks later the old lady returned. She was frowning and the doctor asked her what was wrong. She shook her head. ”How did it go?” the doctor asked. ”Terrible, doctor, terrible.” ”Did it not work?” ”Yes,” the old lady said, ”It worked. I did as you said and he got up and ripped his clothes off right then and there and we made mad love on the table. It was the best sex that I’d had in 25 years.” ”Then what is the problem, ma’am?” ”Well,” she said. ”I can’t ever show my face in McDonald’s again.

A black man takes a girl home from a nightclub. She says, "Show me it's true what they say about black men." So he stabs her and steals her purse.

I told my room mate that I feel like I'm playing life on hard mode "No" he replied "you just picked a shit character"

What's the difference between 5 guys and a joke? Your mom can't take a joke.

So there was this man in Bulgaria who drove trains for a living. He loved his job. Driving a train had been his dream ever since he was a child. He loved to make the train go as fast as possible. Unfortunately, one day he was a little too reckless and caused a crash. He made it out, but a single person died. Well, needless to say, he went to court over this incident. He was found guilty, and was sentenced to death by electrocution. When the day of the execution came, he requested a single banana as his last meal. After eating the banana, he was strapped into the electric chair. The switch was flown, sparks flew, and smoke filled the air - but nothing happened. The man was perfectly fine. Well, at the time, there was an old Bulgarian law that said a failed execution was a sign of divine intervention, so the man was allowed to go free. Somehow, he managed to get his old job back driving the train. Having not learned his lesson at all, he went right back to driving the train with reckless abandon. Once again, he caused a train to crash, this time killing two people. The trial went much the same as the first, resulting in a sentence of execution. For his final meal, the man requested two bananas. After eating the bananas, he was strapped into the electric chair. The switch was thrown, sparks flew, smoke filled the room - and the man was once again unharmed. Well, this of course meant that he was free to go. And once again, he somehow managed to get his old job back. To what should have been the surprise of no one, he crashed yet another train and killed three people. And so he once again found himself being sentenced to death. On the day of his execution, he requested his final meal: three bananas. "You know what? No," said the executioner. "I've had it with you and your stupid bananas and walking out of here unharmed. I'm not giving you a thing to eat; we're strapping you in and doing this now." Well, it was against protocol, but the man was strapped in to the electric chair without a last meal. The switch was pulled, sparks flew, smoke filled the room - and the man was still unharmed. The executioner was speechless. The man looked at the executioner and said, "Oh, the bananas had nothing to do with it. I'm just a bad conductor."

Two men are discussing their recent wedding anniversaries What did you get your wife? Says the first man. "I bought my wife a 5 carat diamond ring and a new Mercedes Benz. So if she doesn't like the cut of the diamond, she can drive back to the store to exchange it. What did you get yours?" "I got her a pair of flip flops and a new dildo. So if she doesn't like the flip flops she can go fuck herself."

Why was Six afraid of Seven? Because last year Six had an a secret relationship with Four lasting for many months. Soon into the relationship Six and Four fell in love, but Six knew she could never leave Seven because she was afraid of his violent past. One cold Autumn night Six came home in tears and locked herself in the bathroom. By this time Seven was already not very sober and pounded on the door demanding to be let in. Eventually Seven's rage took over and he kicked the door down with a powerful roundhouse to find Six standing there holding a positive baby making test. Seven knew he couldn't be the father because he was sterile from years of working at a nuclear plant. Seven saw red and flew into a whirlwind of fury beating upon Six with hammering blows. She screamed "FOUR, IT'S FOUR'S CHILD, PLEASE! PLEASE STOP!" Seven stared at Six in disbelief, "Four? That good for nothing Even aint even a Prime!" Seven stormed out of the bathroom and out the front door, grabbing his pistol off of the table on his way out. He floored it to the restaurant Four owned like a demon. Pulling up to Four's eatery, All You Can Eight, Seven threw open the door demanding to speak with him. A young girl named Decimal tried to cover for Four, but Seven spotted him trying to sneak out through the kitchen. Seven grabbed Four by the digit and pulled out his .38. Four begged "Please, I love her! Please, if you truly love her too you will let her go, please!" Without hesitation Seven pulled the trigger. The sound echoed throughout the restaurant like a thunder strike. Everyone was stunned for a moment, and then full panic, numbers running everywhere, stampeding over each other. Stomping over Four's lifeless body and in the panic Seven slipped out with the crowd and made his escape. Since that day Six has moved and changed her name but knows one day Seven will track her down and find her, and she lives in constant fear for her life and the life of her newborn son, Ten. And now you know why Six is afraid of Seven.

A prince is hanging out with his best friend Friend: So you want to break up with her? Prince: Yeah, I have to. Friend: Just because she is really shy, moody, dumb, has allergies, and has narcolepsy? Prince: That is not what I said. I said she is fucking Bashful, Grumpy, Happy, Dopey, Sneezy, and Sleepy!

I managed to contact the spirit of our window cleaner who died recently. I used a Squeegee board.

When does a joke become a dad joke? When the punchline becomes apparent.

What do kids yell at old people who are just trying to play? GET OFF MY LAN!

A Muslim dies and finds himself before the Pearly Gates... A Muslim dies and finds himself before the Pearly Gates... He is very excited, as all his life he has longed to meet the Prophet Mohammed. Having arrived at the Gates of Heaven, he meets a man with a beard. "Are you Mohammed?" he asks. "No, my son. I am Peter. Mohammed is higher up." And he points to a ladder that rises into the clouds. Delighted that Mohammed should be higher than Peter, he climbs the ladder in great strides, climbs through the clouds, coming to a room where he meets another bearded man. He asks again, "Are you Mohammed?" "No, I am Moses. Mohammed is higher still." Exhausted, but with a heart full of joy he continues to climb the ladder and, yet again, he discovers an even larger room where he meets another man with a beard. Full of hope, he asks again, "Are you Mohammed?" "No, I am Jesus... You will find Mohammed higher up." Mohammed higher than Jesus! The poor man can hardly contain his delight and climbs and climbs, ever higher. Once again he reaches a larger room where he meets a man with a beard and repeats his question: "Are you Mohammed?" he gasps as he is, by now, totally out of breath from all his climbing. "No my son.....I am God. But you look exhausted. Would you like a coffee?" "Yes, please!" said the man. God looks behind him, claps his hands and calls out: "Hey Mohammed, two coffees!"

Three Nazis walk into a bar Three Nazis walk into a bar. ​ Their commanding officer walks up to the bartender and says, ​ "Congratulations, you are now a member of the German Army. Your first order is to kill everyone in this room who is not Aryan". ​ The bartender complies. He takes a machine gun out from under the bar stand and kills everyone in the room. The Nazis, the customers, even a stray dog just outside the bar. Everyone in the room is killed. ​ Then, a man walks out of the bathroom and sees the carnage. He turns to the bartender and says, "Brian, what did you do?? Why did you kill all these people?!?" ​ The bartender casually responds, "Oh, Aryan. We were just talking about you."

What is the only law that Hillary obeys? The law of gravity

How many narcissists does it take to change a light bulb? One. They just hold the bulb in place and the world revolves around them.

A boy gets into a horrible accident and ends up losing an eyeball So him and his father go to the hospital and ask the doctor what type of options they have for a fake eye. The doctor says, "well we have a nice plastic one that looks very real and it's great quality. Its 20 grand." The dad says, "that's a little too much for us. Any other options?" The doctor says, "well we have a stainless steel one. It's heavy, and doesn't look as real but that's 15 grand." The dad replies with, "thats still too much for us. Any other options?" The doctor tells them about a wooden eye. "Its uncomfortable, needs to be cleaned very often and looks horrible. But it's only 5 grand." The dad says, "we'll take it!" The poor boy goes to school a couple weeks later and everyone starts making fun of him. "Hahaha, look at wood-eye! What a loser! Wood-eye, wood-eye, wood-eye!" This bothers him to no end, but he still goes to school. There's a dance at the end of the year, and all of the boys are one side of the gym while all of the girls are standing on the other side. Wood-eye sees a girl standing there, not the prettiest girl he's ever seen. She's standing all alone, and realizes that her face looks like a vagina. He thinks, "that must be the girl that everyone calls cunt-face." So he thought about it longer and thinks, "well it couldn't hurt to try. She might be a nice girl." He goes up to her in the corner while she's standing all alone and says, "miss, would you like to dance with me?" She replies with, "would I!" He looks shocked and says, "fuck you, cunt-face!"

"No, Dave, you're not going down the pub tonight!" Dave: "I'll be fine. Don't worry" Mary: "Every time you go to the pub you get too pissed and you're sick on yourself" Dave: "Don't worry, I'm only going for one. I promise." ... So Dave is 4 drinks in and he tells the lads he has to leave. Dave: "You know why. I'm always sick on myself when I get too pissed. Mary will kick me out if I do that again." Mike: "Don't worry. Put £20 in your top pocket. When you get home you say someone threw up on you and gave you £20 for the dry cleaning." Dave agrees, staggers home at 2am, with sick down his shirt and knocks loudly on the door. Mary: "What the fuck, Dave. You promised!" Dave: "Wait, I can explain. A man threw up on me and put £20 in my top pocket, look." Dave pulls two £20 notes out of his top pocket. Mary: "What's the other £20 for then?" Dave: "That's from the guy that shit my pants"

I don't get the point of a lap dance If I wanted a woman to take my money and frustrate me sexually, I would've stayed home with my wife

BIG Trouble! joke. A couple had two little boys, ages 8 and 10, who were excessively mischievous. They were always getting into trouble and their parents knew that if any mischief occurred in their town, their sons were probably involved. The boys’ mother heard that a clergyman in town had been successful in disciplining children, so she asked if he would speak with her boys. The clergyman agreed, but asked to see them individually. So the mother sent her 8-year-old first, in the morning, with the older boy to see the clergyman in the afternoon. The clergyman, a huge man with a booming voice, sat the younger boy down and asked him sternly, “Where is God?” They boy’s mouth dropped open, but he made no response, sitting there with his mouth hanging open, wide-eyed. So the clergyman repeated the question in an even sterner tone, “Where is God?” Again the boy made no attempt to answer. So the clergyman raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy’s face and bellowed, “WHERE IS GOD!?” The boy screamed and bolted from the room, ran directly home and dove into his closet, slamming the door behind him. When his older brother found him in the closet, he asked, “What happened?” The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied, “We are in BIG trouble this time, dude… God is missing–and they think WE did it!”

"What do we want?" "Low fly airplane noises!!!" "When do we want it?" "NEEEEOOOWWWWWW"

Jesus is watching you. A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables, and when he picked up a CD player to place in his pack, a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark saying, "Jesus is watching you." He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight out, and froze. When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head, promised himself a vacation after the next big score, then clicked the light on and began searching for more valuables. Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard, "Jesus is watching you." Freaked out, he shone his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot. "Did you say that?", he hissed at the parrot. "Yep," the parrot confessed, then squawked, "I'm just trying to warn you." The burglar relaxed. "Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?" "Moses," replied the bird. "Moses?" the burglar laughed. "What kind of people would name a bird Moses?" "The kind of people that would name a Rottweiller Jesus."

The cabinet maker A woman in Tel-Aviv finally saves enough money to buy a new hand-made cabinet, and has it installed in her home, which faces the street whereby bus number 5 passes. As she is admiring her new purchase, she notices that bus number 5 passes her house, and as it does, the cabinet doors open up. "That's strange," she thinks to herself, as she closes the cabinet doors. After some minutes, bus number 5 passes her house again, and as happened the first time, the cabinet doors open wide. Confused, the woman calls the cabinet maker and asks him to come to her house. The cabinet maker arrives at the house and asks the woman about the exact issue she is having. She explains, "every time bus number 5 passes the front of my house, the doors on the cabinet open up." The cabinet maker has been building cabinets for more than 30 years and he's never heard of such a thing. Just then, bus number 5 passes the house, and the cabinet doors spring open. Amazed, the cabinet maker takes some tools, and start adjusting the hinges and looking around the edges of the doors for some clues. A few moments later, bus number 5 passes again, and once again, the doors spring open. Completely clueless, the cabinet maker tells the woman, "even though it is a small cabinet, I'm going to climb inside and do some adjustments and then wait for bus number 5 to pass again to see if I can figure this out from the inside." He contorts his body, climbs in and asks the woman to close the cabinet doors. Just then, the woman's husband arrives home. He enters the house and admires the new cabinet. He opens the doors and finds the cabinet maker inside. "What are you doing in there?" asks the husband. The cabinet maker responds, "If I told you I was waiting for bus number 5, would you believe me?"

I heard that if you drink every day, it means you're an alcoholic... ...so now, I only drink at night...

A man goes to the doctor and says, "I've got a tapeworm." "I've been to so many specialists and no one can seem to get rid of it." The doctor thinks for a few moments and says, "OK, come back next week with a banana and a cookie." The man is confused but, having been failed by every conventional treatment, goes home and returns a week later with a banana and a cookie. "Drop your pants and bend over the table," says the doctor. "What the hell are you doing?" the man asks. "Trust me," says the doctor. The man, a little distressed, does as he's asked. The doctor shoves the banana up his ass and then a couple of minutes later shoves the cookie up as well. "Come back in a week with another banana and cookie." The man is unsure about the treatment but, again, has tried everything else and wants to get rid of this tapeworm. The next week he returns with another banana and cookie. "Drop your pants and bend over the table," says the doctor. After 3 weeks of this the doctor says, "OK, next week will be your final treatment. Bring me a banana and a hammer." The man comes back with the requested items. "Drop your pants and bend over the table." Trembling, knowing what's coming, the man does as he's asked. The doctor shoves the banana up his ass and waits... and waits... and waits... Eventually, the tapeworm sticks its head out and yells, "Where's my cookie?" And the doctor smashes it with the hammer.

A man's fence is broken and he neess to hire someone to fix it So he goes online to find someone to fix his fence for him but he is unsatisfied with their prices, that is until he finds a Buddhist monk who will do it for free. He is initially surprised by this and assumes it might be a fake listing, but since it's free he feels like he has nothing to lose so he hires him. Sure enough a few days later the monk shows up with a toolkit in hand, the man shows the monk that his fence has been ripped out of the ground and that he needs to replace it. About an hour later the monk walks in and tells the man he is finished, and when the man goes outside he sees that the fence is perfect, thinking he can't just tell the monk to leave after doing such a great job for free he invites the monk inside for a cup of coffee. The man then starts talking to the monk, "It surprised me to see a monk offering services for fence repair, why do you do it?" he asked the monk replied "Religious reasons." The man then says "I don't know much about Buddhism, why do you need to repair fences?" "Because" the monk replied, "You would be surprised at the amount of karma you get for reposting."

A man is driving along a country road and sees a sign; "$5 for talking dog, take next left." Thinking this is some sort of joke, the man decides to check it out. So the man takes the left onto a a farm, and a farmer comes out. F: You here about the dog? M: Yeah, does the dog really talk? F: Sure does, come here and I'll show ya. The man and the farmer walk to the garage, where a dog is lying on a dog bed. It sees them and walks over to them. F: Go on, ask him anything. The man says; M: Alright dog, tell me about yourself. To the mans surprise, the dog begins to speak, clearly and with proper words, not the typical "arooo you" that you usually hear on the internet. D: Well, when I was a young pup, I always wanted to serve my country. So, as soon as I could, I enlisted with the airport security as a sniffer dog. I was real good at my job too, got a few promotions and turned some heads. Eventually, the US army picked me up as a bomb-sniffer dog, and I helped prevent tragedies all across the country and oversees. After a while I retired, found myself a nice girl, had a few pups, and finally came to this farm to live out my golden years. The man is stunned. He says to the farmer: M: Holy cow, you were right! Why are you only asking $5 for this dog!? F: Cause he's a liar! He ain't ever done any of that!

A married couple was in a terrible accident... A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman's face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny. So the husband offered to donate some of his own skin. However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his buttocks. The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter. After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before! All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty! One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice. She said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. There is no way I could ever repay you." "My darling," he replied, "think nothing of it. I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek."

What do you get when you cross a duck with an octopus? Fired and blacklisted from the genetics industry.

What do you call people you like going to new restaurants with? Your tastebuds :)

Two men are sitting on a park bench And a stray dog comes along and sits down next to them. Then the dog starts licking its balls. The men watch for a moment and one says "Gosh, I wish I could do that." The other says "Well, you'd better pet him a little first."

Seven year old Mohammad entered his classroom on the first day of school. "What's your name," asked the teacher. "Mohammad," he replied. "You're in Ireland now," replied the teacher, "So from now on you will be known as Mike.” Mohammad returned home after school. "How was your day, Mohammad," his mother asked? "My name is not Mohammad. I'm in Ireland and now my name is Mike. "Are you ashamed of your name? Are you trying to dishonor your parents, your heritage, and your religion? Shame on you!" And his mother beat the crap out of him. Then she called his father, who beat the crap out of him again. The next day Mohammad returned to school. The teacher saw all of his fresh bruises. "What happened to you, Mike?" she asked. "Well shortly after becoming an Irishman, I was attacked by two Muslims.

What do you call a spanish child molester? A Pedrophile.

Me: Doctor, I am afraid of directions Therapist: right Me: *screaming* Therapist: *What’s up?* Me: *screaming intensifies*

Today i learned TIL that dyslexia is the same forward and backwards

Excuse me sir, how much have you had to drink tonight? A cop waited outside a popular pub hoping to nab a drunk-driver. At closing time, as everyone came out, he spotted his potential quarry. The man was so obviously inebriated that he could barely walk. He stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes looking for his car. After trying his keys on five others, he finally found his own vehicle. He sat in the car a good 10 minutes as the other pub patrons left. He turned his lights on, then off. He started to pull forward into the grass, then stopped. Finally, when his was the last car, he pulled out onto the road and started to drive away. The cop, waiting for this, turned on his lights and pulled the man over. He administered the breathalyzer test and, to his great surprise, the man easily passed. The cop was dumbfounded. 'This equipment must be broken,' exclaimed the policeman. 'I doubt it,' said the man. 'Tonight I'm the DD...Designated Decoy.'

What's the difference between me and Cancer? My dad didn't beat cancer.

Did you know they don't have dad jokes in Egypt? They are called mummy jokes.

Hey girl, are you an obelisk? Because I'm trying to find out what an obelisk is through process of elimination.

My girlfriend yelled at me today saying, "You weren't even listening just now, were you?!" I thought, "Man, what a weird way to start a conversation."

What symbol dispels a hex? A hexagon! -In collaboration with my kid sister.

Little Suzy wet herself in class one day.. The teacher asked "Why didn't you put your hand up?" She said "I did! but it ran out through my fingers!"

A man is asked to build a fence. One day a man needed to have a fence built at his house. He talked to the carpenter and explained how he wanted his new fence to circle property, in the shape of a 'D', when viewed from above. The carpenter said "Sure, no problem. I can have it done for you in a couple of days". The man returned two days later to inspect his new fence. But when he saw it he was pissed, it was the wrong shape. "What the fuck is wrong with you!" he said. "I told you to build it in the shape of a letter 'D'!. This is the shape of an 'O'!". The carpenter turned to the man and said, "Well, you know what they say. The best 'D' fence is a good 'O' fence."

I got fired from my job simply for telling this girl I work with that her hair smelled nice. Do you think they might have been discriminating against me because I'm a midget?

My psychiatrist says that I suffer from Xenophobia. Must have caught it from some foreign bastard.

A bear climbs up a tree in a man's backyard and won't get down so he calls animal control... An animal control van pulls up and a man steps out with a pitbull by his side. He comes up to the owner, hands him a semi-automatic rifle and says: "Here is the plan, I climb up the tree and start shaking it, when the bear falls out, my pitbull Fluffy here will bite him by the balls and drag him back to my van. Got it?". The owner, startled, says: "OK sure, but what the hell is the gun for?". The man replies: "In case I fall off the tree first, you better empty the fucking clip on Fluffy!"

Do you know what game non-vaccinated kids play? Marco Polio.

My financial situation is so bad... ...I'm being sponsored by a child in Africa.

Woman calls 911 about a peeping tom in her yard 911: "How do you know he's a peeping tom?" Woman: "When I asked him what he was doing out there, he said 'I was trying to get a pikachu'".

Why did Trump call for a ban on all llamas entering the US? because he isllamaphobic

Children are so unappreciative these days. I bought my daughter a rabbit. She just keeps complaining about how it "doesn't count if it's roadkill".

A lumberjack just starts his job in Alaska... So a lumberjack just starts his job in Alaska and it's been a while since he's been with a woman. So one day, he asks his boss what the other lumberjacks do for pleasure around here. He says "try the hole in the barrel out by the showers." So, the next day, the lumberjack is showering and he decides he'll try sticking his penis through the barrel hole and he goes back to his boss and says "thanks boss, i'll be using the barrel every day thanks to you!" his boss responds "well, every day besides monday." lumberjack responds "whys that?" boss responds "because monday is your day in the barrel"

A man is walking home alone... A man is walking home alone... A man is walking home alone late one foggy Halloween night, when behind him he hears: BUMP... BUMP... BUMP... Walking faster, he looks back and through the fog he makes out the image of an upright casket banging its way down the middle of the street toward him. BUMP... BUMP... BUMP... Terrified, the man begins to run toward his home, the casket bouncing quickly behind him. FASTER... FASTER... BUMP... BUMP... BUMP.... He runs up to his door, fumbles with his keys, opens the door, rushes in, slams and locks the door behind him. However, the casket crashes through his door, with the lid of the casket clapping. clappity-BUMP...clappity-BUMP... clappity-BUMP... on his heels, as the terrified man runs. Rushing upstairs to the bathroom, he locks himself in. His heart is pounding; his head is reeling; his breath is coming in sobbing gasps. With a loud CRASH the casket breaks down the door. Bumping and clapping toward him. The man screams and reaches for something, anything... All he can find is a box of cough drops! Desperate, he throws the cough drops at the coffin ... . . . ...the coffin stops!

An explosion happened at a clothes store. There were many casual tees.

The sex system A married couple wanted it to be less embarrassing to ask each other for sex when one or the other does not want to do it. So they worked out a system. The wife says "Ok if you wanna have sex reach over and tug my breast one time, if you don't, tug two times." The husband says "Ok then, same for me, if u wanna have sex reach over and tug my penis one time, if not just reach over and tug my penis 276 times"

I asked my mom if she ever heard of Pavlov’s dog? She said that rings a bell