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"And I have tried " continued she "as far as I was able to please the God who made me

" "Did you never think yourself the vilest of the vile?" "Bless you! never sir

How could I? If I had been you may be sure Mr Clayton and the visiting ladies would never have been so kind to me and Thomas as they have--and how could we expect it? I was only thinking sir before you came up that if I had been wicked when I was young I would never have been so easy under blindness

Now it doesn't give me one unquiet hour

" "Margaret I would you were more anxious

" "It wouldn't do sir for the blind to be anxious " she replied

"They must do nothing sir but wait with patience

Besides Thomas and I need no anxiety at all

God gives us more than we require and it would be very wicked to be restless and unquiet

" "Margaret " I said impressively "there is heaven!" "Yes " she answered quickly "that I'm sure of

I read of it before I lost my eyes; and since my blindness I have seen it often

God is very good to the afflicted and none but the afflicted know how He makes up for what He takes away

I have seen heaven sir though I have not sight enough to know your face

Do you play dominoes Mr--what did you say your name was sir?" "You trifle Margaret

" "Oh no indeed sir

But how wonderful and quick my touch has got and how kind is heaven there sir! I can see the dominoes with my fingers--touch is just as good as sight

Just think how many hours a poor blind creature has that must be filled up some way or another! I like to keep to myself and think and think; but not always--and sometimes I want Thomas to read to me; and when that's over I feel a want of something else

I'll tell you what it is--my eyes they want to open

When that's the case I always play at dominoes and then the feeling goes away

Thomas can tell you that for he plays with me

" I continued the conversation for an hour and with the same result

I grew annoyed and irritated--not with the deluded sinner as I deemed her but with myself the feeble and unequal instrument

For a second time I had attempted to comply with the instructions of my master and for a second time had I been foiled and driven back in melancholy discomfiture

The imperturbability and easy replies of the woman harassed and tormented me in the extreme

I had been too recent a pupil to be thoroughly versed in all the subtleties and mysteries of my office

Silence was painful to me and reply only accumulated difficulty and vexation

She seemed so happy too; in the midst of all her heresy and error there existed an unaffected tranquillity and repose which I would have purchased at any cost or sacrifice

I blushed and grew ashamed and for a moment forgot that the bereaved creature was unable to behold the confusion with which defeat and exposure had covered me

At length I spoke imperfectly loosely and at random

The woman detected me in an untenable position--checked me--and in her artless manner laid bare the fallacy of an inconsiderate assertion

In an instant I was aware of my conviction I retracted my expression and involved myself immediately in fresh dilemma

Again and as gently as before she made the unsoundness of a principle evident and glaring

How I closed the argument--the conversation and the interview--and escaped from her I know not

Burning with shame despising myself and desirous of burying both my disgrace and self deep in the earth where both might be forgotten I was sensible of hurrying homeward

I reached it in despair satisfied that I had become a coward and a renegade and that I was lost hopelessly and utterly here upon earth and eternally in heaven! I had resolved upon the day succeeding this adventure to restore to my benefactor the credentials with which be had been pleased to entrust me

Satisfied of the truth of my commission I could only deplore my inability to execute it faithfully

In spite of what had passed at the cottage-door the doctrines which I had advocated there lost none of their character and influence upon my own mind

Falling from the lips of others they dropped with conviction into my _own_ soul

Nothing could shake my _own_ unbounded reliance on their saving efficacy and heavenly origin

It was only when _I_ spoke of them when _I_ attempted to expound and teach them that clouds came over the celestial truths and the sun's disk was dimmed and troubled

The moment that I ceased to speak light unimpaired and bright effulgence were restored

It was enough that I could feel this

Grace and a miracle had made the startling fact palpable and evident

This assurance followed easily

No oral communication could have satisfied me more fully of the importance and necessity of an immediate resignation of my trust

It was a punishment for my presumption

I should have rested grateful for the interposition which had rescued me from the jaws of hell and left to others worthy of the transcendent honour the glorious task of saving souls

What was I steeped in sin as I had been up to the very moment of my conversion--what was I insolent pretending worm that I should raise my grovelling head and presume upon the unmerited favour that had been showered so graciously upon me? It remained for those--purest and best of men whose lives from childhood onward had been a lucid exposition of the word of truth--whose deeds had given to the world an assurance of their solemn embassy; it was for them to feel the strength the countenance and support of heaven and to behold with gratitude and joy their labours crowned with a triumphant issue and success

This was the new train of feeling suggested by new circumstances

I resigned myself to its operation as quickly as I had adopted my previous sentiments; and a few days before I was not more anxious to commence my sacred course than I was now miserable and uneasy until I turned from it once and for ever

Mr Clayton had placed in my hands a list of individuals whom he transferred to my care

It was oppressive to know that I possessed it and my first step was to place it again at his disposal

The interview which I obtained for this purpose was an important one--important in itself--marvellous and astounding in its consequences

Mr Clayton spent many hours daily in a small room called _a study_

It was a chamber sacred to the occupation followed there

I had not access to it--nor had any stranger with the exception of two ill-favoured men whom I had found for weeks together constant attendants upon my benefactor

For a month at a time not a single day elapsed during which they were not closeted for a considerable period with the divine

A three weeks' interval of absence would then take place; Mr Clayton prosecuted his studies alone and undisturbed and no strange foot would cross the threshold until the ill-looking men returned and passed some five weeks in the small sanctuary as before

Who could they be? I had never directly asked the question curious as I had been to know their history and the purpose of their visits

Had I not learned from Mr Clayton the impropriety and sinfulness of judging humanity by its looks I should have formed a most uncharitable opinion of their characters

They were hard-featured men sallow of complexion rigid in their looks

I knew that attached to the church of Mr Clayton were two missionaries--men of rare piety and some of humble origin--small boot-makers in fact; sometimes I believed that the visiters and they were the same individuals

Circumstances however unfavourable to this idea arose and I turned from one conjecture to another until I reposed at length in the belief that they were sinners--sinners of the deepest dye--such as their ill-omened looks betrayed--and that they sought the kind and ever-ready minister to obtain his counsel and to share his prayers

At all events this was a subject upon which I received no enlightening from their confidant

Once I took occasion to make mention of it; but in an instant I perceived that my enquiry was not deemed proper to be answered

It was to this forbidden closet--the scene of so much mystery--that to my great surprize I found myself invited by my benefactor when I implored him to release me from the obligation in which I had too hastily involved myself

"Be seated Caleb " said Mr Clayton as we entered the room in company

"Be seated and be tranquil

You are excited now

" I was in truth and not more so than deeply mortified and humbled

"You alarm me dear young friend " continued the good minister

"You alarm and grieve me

I tremble for you when I behold your versatility

Tell me how is this? Can you not trust yourself? Can I trust you?" I did not answer

"I have been careful in not thwarting your own good purposes

I have been most anxious to give your feelings their full bent

Has your conversion been too sudden to endure? Have you so soon regretted the abandonment of the great world and all its pleasures--such as they were to you? Has a life of usefulness and peace no charms? Alas! I had hoped otherwise

" I assured my friend that he had mistaken the motive which had compelled me to forsake at least for the present the intention that I had entertained honestly--though I felt erroneously--for the last few days

Nothing was further from my thoughts than a desire to mix again in a world of sinfulness and trouble

His precepts and bright example had won me from it; and I prayed only to be established in the principles in the true knowledge of which I knew my happiness to consist

I was not equal to the task which I had proposed to myself and he had kindly permitted me to assume

I wished to be his meanest disciple--to acquire wisdom from his tuition--and by the labour of years to prepare myself finally for that reward which he had so often announced to me as the peculiar inheritance of the faithful and the righteous

I ceased

My auditor did not answer me immediately

He sat for some minutes in silence and closed his eyes as if absorbed in thought

At length he said to me-- "You do not surprize me Caleb

I am prepared for this

I perceived your difficulties from afar

It was inevitable

Self-confidence has placed you where you are

Be happy and rejoice in your weakness--but turn now to the strong for strength

The work that has begun in your heart must be completed

It shall be so--do not doubt it

" The minister hesitated looked hard at me and endeavoured as I imagined to find in the expression of my countenance an index to my thoughts

I said nothing and he proceeded

"There are the appointed means

His way is in the sanctuary

He shall feed his flock like a shepherd

There is but one refuge for the outcast

I have but one alleviation to offer you