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zn6i6i | [removed] | 1 | 2022-12-16T04:57:46 | AITA for dancing half naked in my living room leading to my bf and his family seeing me? | CONCLUDED | [deleted] | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/zn6i6i/aita_for_dancing_half_naked_in_my_living_room/ | false | false | [
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zn6mzn | **I am not OOP. OOP is** [u/redditandweep1123](https://www.reddit.com/user/redditandweep1123/). She posted in r/AmItheAsshole.
Your daily fun animal fact to cover up spoilers on mobile: today is about sharks. This one was requested by three users: u/cheyennecoxx, u/adventuresinnonsense (who wanted Greenland sharks) and u/loonylny (who wanted frilled sharks.) From Cheyenne: the biggest tooth found from a megalodon was almost 7 inches long, 3x as big as great whites teeth! Greenland sharks can live for FOUR HUNDRED YEARS. Frilled Sharks have a huge liver, filled with low-density oils and hydrocarbons, which makes it almost neutrally buoyant at great depths. ([Source 1](https://www.britannica.com/animal/megalodon), [Source 2](https://www.nationalgeographic.com/animals/fish/facts/greenland-shark#:~:text=The%20Greenland%20shark%20is%20the,s%20presidential%20inauguration%20in%201789), [Source 3](https://www.mentalfloss.com/article/60129/11-fascinating-facts-about-frilled-shark)\- sources have pictures of sharks)
**Trigger Warning:** >!Lying, manipulation of partner,!<
**Mood Spoiler:** >!OOP makes the right choice!<
**Original** [Post](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/zgjh08/aita_for_wanting_to_move_after_being_lied_to/)**: December 8, 2022**
My fiancé (31m) and I (29f) have been together for 2 years. After getting engaged 6 months ago we decided that I would move from my downtown apartment, to his 300 acres and home (He owns the land and house outright after getting it in an inheritance.) His place is an hour from where I’m from in a small town with nothing (stores, food, etc) around (closest place to get gas is 35 min away.) And my family is an hour and a half away which isn’t a huge deal but it’s just been an adjustment for me.
When talking about the future, I explained that I always wanted to raise my children where I grew up (the suburbs). He grew up in a rural area (school system is not great) but in our decision making he expressed that the best thing would be to just stay in his home town because he will never sell his land. After a few odd things have been said by his family I started to question if he even owned this property. I’ve seen his land taxes but when going over his credit and taxes there is nothing at all about his property in it. I asked him a few times about it and he acted so offended that i would even ask!
I woke up this morning and couldn’t shake the feeling that something was off. I called the county assessor and found out this is his uncles land and home (uncle is a widow and works out of the state). Basically for the last 6 months we’ve been house sitting. The furniture and everything is his uncles!
I confronted him today and honestly I’m considering just leaving but at the VERY LEAST, I want us to move. We have the credit and the savings to buy a home but he won’t budge and keeps saying his uncle will “probably” give him the property. I feel like he manipulated me to move here. Now his best man is calling saying this is an AH move and makes me come off as a gold digger bc I’m “mad he doesn’t have the assets he claimed to have.” So, AITA?
***Relevant Comments***
*In response to a great comment* [here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/zgjh08/aita_for_wanting_to_move_after_being_lied_to/izhaa8x/?context=3)*:*
"Thank you for the thought out response.
He has a good savings and we are both debt free. He says his whole family even says he will get this property when it’s time. I, however am not trying to save money to build a home on someone else’s property. I don’t even think that’s possible with permits and everything."
*Asked if she has seen his bank account:*
"Oh I’m moving with or without him. But yes I have access to his bank account and we have a savings together. I also have gone through his credit report. When we got together (about 6 months in) i asked if i could look at it. He had a medical bill in collections that was like $300 and I made him pay it off. But yes. He lied. And I’ve said the same thing about him getting fired or finding a new love interest etc."
*Someone says they should keep separate finances because fiancé has been lying for 6 months:*
"No he’s been lying for 2 years! We had a savings together for the wedding. I already transferred most of it into my checking"
***OOP is voted NTA, with many encouraging her to leave***
**Update in** [Comments](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/zgjh08/aita_for_wanting_to_move_after_being_lied_to/izivxzr/?context=3)**: December 9, 2022**
So, I know a lot of people said to take a few days and figure out what’s next. I decided last night that I am done. Especially since (like many predicted) I found out he’d been lying about more than just this.
I am calling today to cancel our venue (that’s 4500 down the drain).
As far as the savings, I have proof that what I took is mine. It wasn’t much but it’s over 15k so I am confident that I can leave and have a good cushion. I have a year left of my masters program and I work a remote job with unlimited PTO. I’m taking the day off to pack and my best friend and her boyfriend who is like a brother to me offered their guest room to me. I’m going to stay there and continue saving while I look for my own property that’s ACTUALLY mine.
I hadn’t done hardly any planning for our wedding which I blamed on school and work but now I know it was a subconscious choice. I also had a separate savings that I had started before we ever met in the event that I had to pay for my masters program (luckily my job is paying for that).
I think that is what is most infuriating. Together (he also has a separate savings that doesn’t have as much as mine but still) we have PLENTY of money in savings to buy land and build a home AND we are both debt free. But that is no longer an option for me. Last night he was begging to make it work. Started saying he would move wherever I wanted and was apologizing profusely. I made him call his friend on speaker to let him know that he has been living a lie and that I’m leaving him.
Thank you all for your responses. I’m meeting with my therapist this morning and my dad will be coming this evening to help me load up all of my things.
***Relevant Comment:***
"I was able to get *some* of the money back because it’s so far from the wedding date (a year from now)" | 3,582 | 2022-12-16T05:05:07 | AITA for wanting to move after being lied to? | ONGOING | LucyAriaRose | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/zn6mzn/aita_for_wanting_to_move_after_being_lied_to/ | false | false | [
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zn6prm | [removed] | 1 | 2022-12-16T05:09:30 | AITA for dancing half naked in my living room leading to my bf and his family seeing me? | CONCLUDED | 9shadowcat9 | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/zn6prm/aita_for_dancing_half_naked_in_my_living_room/ | false | false | [
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zn7n7z | Originally posted by u/throooowaaaayt
in r/AmItheAsshole on Dec 1, '22, updated Dec 9, '22.
[Original post ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/za73bi/aitaa_for_taking_my_niece_to_court_over_a_coat/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=android_app&utm_name=androidcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=share_button)
AITA for taking my niece to court over a coat?
I(28F) have a niece (16F). She is my only sister's only child.
2 years ago I married a very wealthy man (34M), and because of the pandemic, last Christmas was my first with my in-laws.
My MIL gifted me a coat that is worth more than $20k (I saw her wearing it, asked her where she bought it, and she said that it will be my Christmas gift from her).
I didn't know how much it was (I knew it was expensive, but I thought maybe $3k at most). I was visiting my sister last January when my niece saw it, she googled the brand and showed me how much it really was. I won't lie, I didn't wear it after that because I was afraid of ruining it.
Last week, I wore it while visiting my sister. While I was putting it back on to leave, I felt something go splat on my back, then my niece started cackling and the smell of paint hit me. I was so pissed off while she was not apologitic at all. Her mom screamed at her and said she was grounded. Then she said she will pay for the dry cleaning.
While I was in my car, still in shock BTW, I got an alert that my niece posted a reel, it was of her doing a prank on me, and she said "I'm going to hit my aunt's $20k coat with a paint filled balloon to see how she reacts". I saved it on my phone, sent it to her mom and told her that a week's grounding is not enough. She did not reply, but I saw that my niece took it down (it got less than 5 views by then).
The next day I found out my coat can not be saved, so I called my sister and told her that her daughter has to pay it back. Well, we got into an argument and she said that they will not be paying it, and if I wanted a new one, I should get my husband to buy it for me. I think that they should pay for it (they can afford to, IMO they should sell my niece's car and pay me back my money).
We did not reach an agreement, so I told her that I will be suing, and reminded her that I have video evidence that her daughter A) did it on purpose for online clout and B) knew exactly how expensive it was.
People in my life are not objective at all, I have some calling me an AH, some saying they are the AHs for not buying me a new one, and some so obsessed with the price of the coat that they are calling me an AH for simply owning it and wanting a new one.
So AITA?
Edit: sorry for not making it clearer, but my coat was bought new, just identical to my MIL's.
*Verdict: Not the Asshole*
[Update 8 days later](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/zgv9gf/update_aita_for_taking_my_niece_to_court_over_a/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=android_app&utm_name=androidcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=share_button)
So here is a quick update, since the situation has been resolved.
When my husband got home, I told him what happened and showed him the video.
He asked if I spoke with my BIL and I said no, all my conversations were with my sister. He said that he will take care of it.
Now, a disclaimer: I understand nothing when it comes to insurance claims, and this is what my husband told me/I understood happened.
My husband talked with my BIL, told him exactly what happened and showed him the prank video. Then he told him that the coat was insured, we will be filing a claim and submitting the video, and we might have to file charges for the claim (he assured him that we would be dropping the charges, we do not want to send niece to jail).
Then he told him that one of two things might happen: after our insurance pays us, they will come after them. If their insurance pays, their premium will skyrocket. If it doesn't, they might sue them, and might get a lien on their house.
My BIL asked if there was a way he could pay us without involving insurance, my husband told him that that was what we wanted at first, but that my sister insisted that they will not be paying us back.
Apparently, my BIL was not in the know, and he was very pissed off at what my niece did, and my sister's response.
So they came to this solution: my niece's car will be sold, and if it doesn't fetch the whole compensation money, she will have to get a job and pay me the whole check untill it is paid off. Also she is grounded for the rest of the school year.
I am thankful for the people who encouraged me to talk with my husband.
*Adding this comment and reply for more info:*
>Was there an apology? A sincere apology?
OOP: None from my sister or niece so far, my BIL was very apologetic though, even called me to say he was sorry, and to assure me that I will be getting my money as soon as possible.
*And a few more comments from our OOP:*
MIL said that she will get in contact with Loro Piana to get me a similar/same coat (the one I own is no longer on their website, so we are not sure if their physical stores still have it or not). And it might seem silly/vain to some, but that coat symbolizes me becoming a real part of my in-laws' family, so even if I am nervous wearing it, I still would like to have it, if you get what I mean.
*Talking about her sister's family:*
I mentioned in my last post (in a comment I think), that they are upper middle class, and that they could afford to pay us without going into debt.
*Also, OOP clarifies in the comments that the coat was not a fur, it was cashmere.** | 10,838 | 2022-12-16T06:03:57 | Woman's Niece Ruins Her $20K Coat For A Prank Video (AITA Dec 9, '22) | CONCLUDED | KittenDealinMama | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/zn7n7z/womans_niece_ruins_her_20k_coat_for_a_prank_video/ | false | false | [
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zn8a5k | [removed] | 1 | 2022-12-16T06:42:29 | Mum, who never hurt a fly in her life, made the most obnoxious statements to my gf and I don't know how to fix it. | CONCLUDED | [deleted] | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/zn8a5k/mum_who_never_hurt_a_fly_in_her_life_made_the/ | false | false | [
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zn98qg | [removed] | 14 | 2022-12-16T07:46:02 | OP finds out his mother is racist when he introduces her to his new girlfriend | CONCLUDED | hotfudgeunicorn | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/zn98qg/op_finds_out_his_mother_is_racist_when_he/ | false | false | [
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znbizo | [removed] | 1 | 2022-12-16T10:26:03 | The secrets of angels and gods | ONGOING | _Please_believe__me_ | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/znbizo/the_secrets_of_angels_and_gods/ | false | false | [
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znd6a6 | *\*\*I am NOT OOP. Original post is a youtube video by user Jay David*
*The post consists of a series of several emails, with the boyfriend (OOP) adding context between emails. I have reproduced the text of it below, while the origin is from a* *youtube video* *posted originally in 2009 and again in 2017*
&#x200B;
*Trigger warnings:* >!infidelity!<
&#x200B;
**During the Summer of 2007, I had the opportunity to backpack around Europe for 2 weeks. I talked about it often before I left. My girlfriend however, although great in many respects, was not the world's greatest listener. I left on Friday June 1st. Despite even calling her to say goodbye the night before, she never realized I left. When I arrived home 2 weeks later, I had several emails from her, waiting in my inbox. \[**[Link - YouTube](https://youtu.be/GYJT5aCfJrw)**\]**
&#x200B;
>Friday June 1st *(2007)* 11:31am
>
>Subject: Maddy Babe!
>
>\*Smooch\*
>
>Hey doll, me and the girls are gonna hit up the maddy tonight. I'll call you in a bit, you and the boys should come out too.
>
>Love ya,
>
>Em
&#x200B;
My cell phone was off for the entire trip so that I wouldn't get insane roaming charges in Europe
>Friday June 1st 4:40pm
>
>Subject: Come out come out, hehe
>
>Hey hun, me again.
>
>Tried calling your cell a few times today but it kept going right to voicemail. You're not screening me are you? ;)
>
>Give me a call when you get this.
&#x200B;
>Saturday June 2nd 9:12am
>
>Subject: Missed you! (frowny face)
>
>JDdddddddddd... I missed you last night! There were these two super creepy guys who kept trying to talk to us all night. I let the one guy buy me a drink and as soon as he handed it to me I told him he reminds me of my boyfriend, ha ha ha.
>
>I tried your cell again but again no answer, having cell problems dear? Anyway, Marla and me are going out for brunch to try and get over our hangovers... tonight, you and me, dinner at your place.
>
>Call me today.
>
>Later Baber, Em
&#x200B;
>Sunday June 3rd 10:33am
>
>Subject: Uh…. hello...?
>
>JD, wtf. Why are you not responding to my calls and emails? Where are you?! I waited all night for you to get in touch with me. I'm not happy here babe... call me ASAP!!!
&#x200B;
Email was empty...
>Sunday June 3rd 8:41pm
>
>Subject: (no subject)
&#x200B;
Apparently she called one of my friends to find out where I was on the weekend. I have no idea what she's talking about here though.
>Tuesday June 5th 5:50pm
>
>Subject: WTF
>
>What the fuck is going on?! Why are you avoiding me? You're not answering your cell, you won't return my texts... JD wtf?!
>
>I know you're around! Your friend Jeremy is such a bullshitter. When he said he hadn't seen you all weekend I could hear you talking in the background!
>
>I thought you were different fuck nut!
>
>Last chance... call me tonight with the best excuse of your life or I walk asshole.
&#x200B;
She left messages at my mom's demanding I call her back. My mom would've called her to tell her I was in Europe except she didn't leave her number and my mom doesn't have it.
>Tuesday June 5th 8:11pm
>
>Subject: Read this asshole!
>
>I've tried calling you, I've tried calling your friends, your mom. What the fuck did I do? Was it just time?
>
>Time to dump me? You could at least tell it to my face asshole.
>
>We're through... don't call me, don't text me, don't bother now. You'll never know what you lost, I was the one, and now I feel sorry for you because you'll never have that again. I feel so sorry for you, ha ha ha.
&#x200B;
I just got dumped while I was on a different continent than my girlfriend... I've been in Europe for only 5 days And the emails are just beginning...
&#x200B;
>Friday June 8th 1:07am
>
>Subject: (no subject)
>
>I hate you.
&#x200B;
I would say I've been cheated on... but technically I'm single at this point
>Sunday June 10th 3:44am
>
>Subject: FUUUUUUUUUUCK U
>
>Hey fuck fcee,
>
>remmembe r that friend of mine that I was you were jealous of who I said that nuffin ever will happen with well I was crying with him about you and he told me how amazing I was, how he always though so and so i fucked him to show you I'm right! Now who's the stuipd one? I can't get any guy I want and what are you doing just sitting at home crying over how you lost me? Well don't cry for me because you've already lost me asswhole! Ha ha ha ha ha
&#x200B;
Blank again...
>Sunday June 10th 4:01am
>
>Subject: (no subject)
&#x200B;
>Tuesday June 12th 2:20pm
>
>Subject: Read ASAP
>
>JD, call me, we need to talk.
&#x200B;
I've been in Europe for 12 days. I am coming home on Saturday. On this day I go shopping in Rome and get a necklace for Em and write a postcard to my grandparents.
>Tuesday June 12th 8:11pm
>
>Subject: Just listen...
>
>Ok fine, you don't want to call me then just listen. I'm mad and hurt right now. I really felt something between us and now you've gone and thrown it all away and I have no idea why... JD, we were amazing together weren't we?
>
>We always had fun, and I tried to be so easy going and happy with you. We were the couple that could spend an evening out with our friends or laze about on the couch and either way end it all in fantastic sex and confessions of love. I know that something has happened to change all that, but you have to admit that you still feel something for me. To deny that is to deny your very soul.
>
>I know you'll call me tonight. We have a lot to discuss. A lot of bad and good. It may not change things and we may still be broken up, but you at least owe me a conversation. A chance.
>
>Em
&#x200B;
>Thursday June 14th 7:01 am
>
>Subject: I tried...
>
>I tried to reach out to you JD, I really did. But I take back all those nice things I said. I'm glad we're broken up. You're boring as shit to be with. I pretended so many times to like the stupid shows you like, to watch the stupid movies you like, to enjoy spending time with your asinine friends. l've moved on.
>
>I realize that you are not the right person for me in any way whatsoever. You bring out the worst traits in me and I'm a million times better without you.
>
>I'm bringing by a bunch of your stuff to your mom's house. So long JD, I'd like to say it was fun but it really wasn't. Believe me when I say that I never want to hear from you again.
>
>Em
&#x200B;
When she went by my mom's house to drop off my stuff, she bumped into my mom... my mom told her I was in Europe until Saturday..
>Thursday June 14th 8:21am
>
>Subject: OPEN FIRST!!! DO NOT READ ANY OTHER EMAILS!!!
>
>If you love me, you will delete every email l've sent you over the past week without reading it. JD please I am begging you that when you get back you do not read any email but this one. We've all made mistakes while you've been away. I can explain it all to you, call me ASAP. I love you with all my heart and soul!
>
>Em
&#x200B;
I read the emails... Em and I are no longer together.
I learned two very important lessons from this whole ordeal..
1. Careful when you date passionate people, because passion swings both ways. Sometimes they'll love you, but other times they'll hate you. And when they hate you... boy do they hate you.
2. When you go to Europe for 2 weeks, leave your fucking phone on.
&#x200B;
&#x200B;
*\*\*Reminder - I am not the original poster* | 3,080 | 2022-12-16T12:09:01 | [External] Guy is backpacking around Europe for 2 weeks, girlfriend is pissed he is unreachable | EXTERNAL | ShakeThatTushy | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/znd6a6/external_guy_is_backpacking_around_europe_for_2/ | false | false | [
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zndfzv | [removed] | 1 | 2022-12-16T12:23:32 | OOP and her stepchildren, a tale told in two AITA posts | INCONCLUSIVE | My_Dramatic_Persona | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/zndfzv/oop_and_her_stepchildren_a_tale_told_in_two_aita/ | false | false | [
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zndi91 | I am not the original poster, this is a repost sub. I will only be posting the reader's question, you can view Allison's response at the link :)
Trigger warning: >!religious discrimination, references to self harm, mild harassment!<
Mood spoiler: >!satisfying!<
[**Original post**](https://www.askamanager.org/2022/11/my-interviewer-sent-me-an-email-saying-my-scars-are-triggering.html) *\[November 1, 2022\]*
>I’ve been casually job searching for a few months and had an interview last week. The job was for a logistics specialist at a shipping company. The woman who interviewed me, Marcia, seemed distracted the entire interview, shuffling papers and mumbling her questions. I knew pretty quickly I wouldn’t be taking the position, based both on her description of the job (which was quite different from the online posting) and the general feel in the office. At the end of the interview, I thanked her for her time and consideration and offered my hand to shake. She looked at it for a long moment, then didn’t take it and simply nodded her farewell. I got home, emailed a very polite “thank you, but this position isn’t for me” note, and considered it done.
>
>Well, today I got an email from Marcia that was beyond strange. At first, I figured I’d just think of it as proof this job wasn’t for me, but now I’m wondering if I should reach out to someone else at the company to alert them. The email read:
>
>“I realize this is highly irregular, but I felt it would be a grave misstep on my part not to reach out to you. During your interview, I noticed the scars on your arm and wanted you to know that whatever pain you are feeling is temporary. I am certain there are people who love you and would miss you. Please find love for yourself and get the help you clearly need. If I could offer you some additional advice, I fear those scars will be detrimental to you obtaining any meaningful employment. They are highly triggering, and you should seek permanent ways to disguise them. Good luck, and God bless.” Marcia then attached two documents — a brochure for suicide prevention, and one for a church-run support group.
>
>Not that it matters AT ALL, but the scars are from a burn I got while baking during the pandemic. I was teaching myself to make fruit tarts. Did you know the bottom of tart pans pop up, so you don’t have to break the pastry during removal? My forearm and I learned that the hard way. In my opinion, they don’t particularly look like self-harm scars, more like long scratches that are still healing. Almost like you’d get from a cat.
>
>I was prepared to just consider this an experience to laugh about and go about my life. But I’m concerned that Marcia might be offering other advice that is equally problematic to other job candidates, or her staff. Should I reach out to someone else at the company? Or just let this be? It’s possible the fact I think this is way over the line and pretty offensive is skewing my opinion of this. Thoughts?
[**Update**](https://www.askamanager.org/2022/12/update-my-interviewer-sent-me-an-email-saying-my-scars-are-triggering.html) *\[December 8, 2022\]*
>I didn’t expect to have an update on this, but here we are. Happy update season, everyone!
>
>First, a huge thank you to both yourself and the commenters. I’m a daily reader of your blog, so I figured the advice would be that this is annoying, but ultimately not my problem.
>
>My interview with Marcia was my first in-person interview, but I’d two prior phone interviews with someone in HR, and then a second interview with the HR director. Both went very well, and so I sent an email to the director with Marcia’s email attached. In short, I said that I had withdrawn my candidacy in no small part due to my interview with Marcia, and that the email she sent after the fact only confirmed that I had made the right decision. I also said that I was not looking for anything specific from them, but that Marcia’s comments toed the line of discriminating based on a disability and religion (thank you for that little tip!) and that I would not want any legal trouble to befall the company in the future. I again thanked them for the opportunity and wished them well in their search.
>
>Less than an hour later I was on the phone with Bob, who said he oversaw HR and had been forwarded my email. He wanted to speak to me about what happened. I recounted the story, and he seemed genuinely appalled. Bob apologized profusely, asked if I’d like to throw my hat back in the ring for the position. I thanked him but declined, citing that this experience had soured my views on the company. He said he understood, thanked me for bringing everything to their attention, and wished me well. I presumed that would be the end of it and I wouldn’t have much of an update to send.
>
>I was incorrect. That evening I got a phone call from an unknown number. I didn’t answer and truthfully forgot about it until later that evening when I saw the icon on my phone for a voicemail. It was from Marcia. I listened to it on speakerphone while I washed dishes. According to the voicemail my “baseless threats to sue \[COMPANY\]” had resulted in her termination. She “couldn’t believe she had wasted prayers on me” and “was only trying to help.” Marcia made sure to inform me that I was “totally unsuited” for the position I had applied for, and that a “heathen sinner like me” didn’t deserve gainful employment. I blocked her (but kept the voicemail) and emailed Bob one final time to notify him of the interaction (not that he could do much, but I had to tell someone). He thanked me for the additional info, and that was the last I heard from either of them.
>
>A few other little bits –
>
>The tart I was making was for Passover, so the irony in all of this was PALPABLE.
>
>Some people asked – it was a blood orange custard tart, and it was delicious.
>
>I actually decided to stay at my current job. I’d mentioned I was only casually searching because I wasn’t necessarily unhappy, but I wasn’t happy either. Well, I had my yearly review and had 1) some of the tasks I disliked removed from my desk, 2) picked up a substantial project to manage on my own, and 3) got a 10% raise, plus a very nice bonus. So yay!
>
>I debated putting this part in, but in the spirit of the letter overall – there were a couple commenters who seemed to agree with Marcia, that I should cover these scars forever and ever because people might “think things.” Your opinion is of course your own, but I’d encourage you to think about the biases you have here. Scars are scars, they are part of life. People acquire them for all kinds of reasons, in all kinds of places. They aren’t really indicative of anything other than living life.
>
>Thank you again to Alison and all the wonderful commenters!
&#x200B; | 11,189 | 2022-12-16T12:27:05 | My interviewer sent me an email saying my scars are triggering [AskAManager] | EXTERNAL | catbert359 | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/zndi91/my_interviewer_sent_me_an_email_saying_my_scars/ | false | false | [
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znetrt | I am not OOP. OOP is u/Mustang1307098 . Originally posted in r/TrueOffMyChest . I got permission from OOP to post in this subreddit.
TW: Mention of mental abuse, death, attempted suicide, child abandonment, Spousal abuse and child abuse
[Original BORU](https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/zdcq43/oop_abandoned_her_children_while_leaving_abusive/?utm_medium=android_app&utm_source=share)
[Original](https://www.reddit.com/r/TrueOffMyChest/comments/z5ty5p/i_abandoned_my_children_while_divorcing_abusive/?utm_medium=android_app&utm_source=share) Nov, 27, 2022.
Throwaway. Also english is my 3rd language so please ignore grammatical mistakes. Also this is going to be a long post so please overlook it. I will add TLDR at the end.
Leo (38M) and I (36F) married when i was 23. My parents weren't in picture since i was 17 for some other reasons. When i was 19, I was addicted to weed. I had severe depression because i was broke and could afford rent. I tried to commit suicide twice. I met Leo when i was 4 months sober. He knows my history well. We dated for only 6 months. Marriage was rushed because of his parents and also i need support financially at that time. One of his parents condition for marriage was for me to sign pre-nup agreement. We have two children (12F and 9M). He was the breadwinner at that time while i took care of house. Also i was pregnant within a month after our marriage. Two years after my daughter Huma was born, i secured a job in communication based industry which pays me almost thrice what he earned at that time. This is the beginning of the financial and emotional abuse i suffered from him.
Now that i am also earning, i requested him to share household chores. He refused to do any of it even taking care of our daughter. Thus, my burdens only increased. He started to get jealous and greedy. Sometimes he muttered about how women who earn more than their husband will disrespect them. He started to demand my money. I always refused to give it to him. Then he started to fight me even for very small matters. And every time we fight, he will involve his mom. My MIL will always take sides with him and started lecturing me. Its like two of them gang up on me. If i made a mistake, its my fault. But if he makes a mistake, its also my fault because i made him do the mistake.
Well, I conceived again. I took maternity leave when i was 5 months pregnant. Our company only allows 8 months maternity leave so i have to return 3 months after birth. Staying at home only increased his resentment for me. He has mild allergy for some fruits. He ate them frequently so i always had to take care of him while also being pregnant and doing household chores. I endured all of this because if i seek divorce, he will take full custody of both my children given my history of depression, drugs and attempted suicide. I loved my children. 3 months after my son Rob's birth, i returned to office. My application for WFH was denied while he was granted WFH in his company (this happened pre-covid, WFH was allowed only for IT dudes at that time) so now he had more time to spend with children while doing nothing about chores.
Around that time, i had considerable money saved, so i put a down payment on a house on my name. Since we had a prenup, he can't force his name on my house, he started to abuse me emotionally. He taught our daughter b word for her to call me. Yes, a 7 year old calling her mother b word. Eventhough i know its not her fault, i started resenting Huma. Eventhough Rob was still a child (4y) he started his fathers footsteps. I started to have anxiety. I suffered severe depressions again. On the suggestion of my supervisor, i started therapy secretly. My therapist was a 50s lady. She was sympathetic to me. Her suggestion was that i feel resentment towards Huma and Rob because they are the only attachment i have with Leo. She told me that its going to be lose-lose situation for me either way if Leo and ours didn't attend family and individual therapy and i can't convince him to attend therapy. My Therapy extended to 20 sessions before it ended.
After that, i made the hard decision. I met a divorce lawyer and served Leo divorce papers. He was suprised/shocked but i already packed my things before serving. I moved to my house while he was in phone with my MIL. After a while he called which i didn't answer so he started spam texting me. He called me that i won't get custody of ours and he will never allow even visitation for me given my mental history. I didn't respond to any of that. MIL showed at my house and screamed in front of windows. I didn't call cops but my HOA security took her away. Divorce took 8 months to finalize in 2018. We didn't have a family account. I didn't get custody only supervised visitation which i didn't use until now. I had to pay 15% of my salary for child support for both Huma and Rob which i am happy to do so via court.
After divorce, he tried to date again while posting pictures of his new girlfriend only to rub me in the eyes. But that didn't last long because she didn't want to be a caretaker for our children while being disrespected by Huma. As far as i know, he is still single dad with two. MIL called me 6 months after divorce begging me to come back because he now realize how much i have done for him and our family. He had to do chores now and when he asked for her help, she refused and berated him for the manchild he is. He is paying for a caretaker for 3 years now and is costing him more than twice what i pay to him via child support. I met Mohit through a client 2 years ago, when covid restrictions were relaxed. He understood my situation. He has two daughters (7 and 5) from his late wife. They are longing for a mother figure which i am happy to fill. We married 6 months ago and now we're currently expecting (4months). I am writing all of this because we are expecting a girl.
Now, i feel like what my therapist said is coming true. I feel like i am replacing my children from previous marriage. It ia 3 years since i last saw them. Both of them write me letter for christmas but i don't write them back. I want to move past it but it is killing me inside. Mohit also suggested i visit them for this christmas but i don't know how am i going to explain myself to them especially Rob since his mother disappeared without a trace for him. I know this isn't the correct sub but i welcome advice regarding my situation. Thank you.
TLDR ; I was abused at home, escaped and married Leo had two children got an amazing job realized he is a POS. Filed divorce, abandoned my children and never looked back now remarried and current expecting a girl. I feel like a bad mother and i am replacing my children. Thank you.
[Update](https://www.reddit.com/user/Mustang1307098/comments/z700pe/update_i_abandoned_my_children_while_leaving/?utm_medium=android_app&utm_source=share) 1 day later, 28, Nov, 2022.
[[Original post Link]](https://www.reddit.com/r/TrueOffMyChest/comments/z5ty5p/i_abandoned_my_children_while_divorcing_abusive/?utm_medium=android_app&utm_source=share)
This is merely an update, i just wanted to clarify some questions. Some informations that i didn't include in the original post and a small update in the end.
| Is english really your 3rd language?
- Yes, english is my 3rd behind my native language and our national language.
| Do you really addicted to weed or its just alcohol?
- Yes weed actually, near the place i live, farmers hide weed plants in between other crops.
| How are you able to write fluently in english?
- English was taught to us throughout our school life.
| What is your ethnicity?
- I don't feel comfortable revealing my country but i am from south asia.
| How cum you're not given custody eventhough you're mentally depressed and attempted suicide many years ago?
- Because i attempted suicide again when Huma was 6.
| Is your current husband preventing you from reaching your children from previous marriage?
- No, in fact it is opposite. He encourages me to meet them but understands my trauma. He meets them atleast once every 2 months. They know him. He is the one brought their letters but he doesn't force me to read them.
| How do you pay child support to your ex?
- There is an officer in court for this matters. He transfers the cheque from me to money for ex. Fees for this is very small.
| What is DV law in your country?
- DV as in domestic violence? Ex and his mom didn't assaulted me physically. Its only verbal and emotional abuse. Its hard to prove in court. Even if i had proved that in court, it still wouldn't make any difference according to our civil law.
| Why you left your kids with an abuser?
- As much as he is a shitty husband to me, he is a great dad to them except the manipulation he pulled against me. He even left his girlfriend because she served him an ultimatum, either her or the children, he chose our children. So i followed my instinct at that moment. Still that doesn't excuse me, i know.
| What if he abused the children on your absence?
- He won't. He loves them despite abusing me. And also Mohit meets them once every 2 months.
| You said you make 3X your ex's salary, why can't you take him to court again for custody rearrangement?
- Unfortunately, money doesn't matters in court, since fathers have more rights when it comes to children and given my mental (and at that time physical) health, court didn't do me any favor.
| Why didn't you use your visitations?
- Because Ex is the supervisor for my visitation. He requested the court to also allow MIL as the supervisor. He did this to spite me, no doubt.
| Huma is muslim name, mohit is hindu name and Leo is christian name, what are you trying to convey here?
- I didn't know Huma is muslim name, its actually a short version of her actual name from our native language. Yes me and ex are christians and Mohit is hindu turned atheist. I didn't have much attachments to Christianity due to childhood trauma regarding churches.
| Why didn't you mention your ex-FIL?
- He died 8 months after our (ex and I) marriage before Huma was born.
| Is there anyone from your bio-family is in contact with you?
- No
| Are you still in therapy?
- Yes
| How much you pay child support to your ex?
- In terms of american dollars, about $600. This is based on 15% of my salary in early 2019. This has to be adjusted every 2 years as per court but we didn't change it as i also pay for other related expenses for our children (and twice the amount for a year during covid), which is more than adjusted amount, so ex didn't take me to court.
| How much he pays for caretaker?
- To caretaker from a professional agency, about $18K per year. This includes doing household chores and stuffs. As per court order, he sent me details of her. She is a 45+ lady. Mohit met her. She seemed nice.
| You don't really contribute anything other than child support?
- I am so sorry, yes. Mohit and my step daughters did send them letters and some gifts for their birthdays and christmas. They don't force me to involve.
| What is the content of their letters?
- Just how they are doing. Wanting to meet me. Asking for forgiveness from Huma.
| Why didn't you wrote them back?
- I had trouble thinking about them, i thought if i had cut contact, it would be best for both of us.
| Does Rob remembers you?
- Yes, our family portrait is still in hall as ex informed Mohit. So he remembers me.
| Does Huma berates you in the letters?
- No
| Does a 7 year old girl really called you b word?
- Yes, not really b word, its equivalent in our language.
| Does Huma uses b word in letter?
- No
| If you already know you're in abusive situation before Rob was born, why did you give birth to him?
- I didn't know any better at that time. Its only about money before Rob was born.
| Your therapist seems like a good one. Why did you end your sessions?
- She moved to Canada for better opportunities before my divorce.
| Is your ex and the kids are in therapy?
- No, ex lost his job in Covid so i had to pay twice my child support for 13 months. So only kids are in school therapy which i pay for.
| So you think, money equates mother's love?
- No, i didn't have a choice.
Now before the informations, i would like to thank the amazing redditor who actually offered her experience in a similar situation and how she regretted cutting them off and i really appreciate her advice. And the people who chatted with me sharing their experience about being abandoned by their parents and how they felt. I actually cried after reading some of the comments. Mohit also read your comments. Some messages targeted Mohit for causing alienation, so he got awkward but understood why you thought he is the reason. One of the reasons why i posted is because ex and MIL invited me for this christmas to their house. I didn't mention this in original for reasons i dont know. I am conflicted on this. That's why i posted this on this subreddit. As per the advice of my therapist, now Mohit and I decided take steps very slow for the time being. We decided to make videocall to them during christmas. Thank you.
OP here. I had a little chat with OOP. Posted here with permission
OP: Hey Mustang, what's the motive behind your original post?
OOP: Hi. If i am being honest, i wanted someone to assure me there is nothing i could do or i am not a bad mom or some consolation. That's why i posted here. But comments here are bit harsh and cruel but truth indeed. Some people exchanged their pwn experience in my situation amd my children's situation to me. They offered their valuable advice. Thank You
OP here. I think this situation is sad for both OOP and her children. OOP said that she will read comments here and welcomes any valuable advices.
[New Update](https://www.reddit.com/user/Mustang1307098/comments/zg3i8o/update_2_i_abandoned_my_children_while_leaving/?utm_medium=android_app&utm_source=share) 08, Dec, 2022
This is a long post because i answered lots of questions. I know my posts were shared in BORU. Unfortunately there are lot of redditors using abusive language in my chat. If you're reading this, please don't message me any horrible things. I am already dealing with lot of things right now. Just comment here please don't message me. I just want to get others perspective here. And to the one redditor who found my main account, i don't know how you found it but its definitely scary. I thought i am being anonymous here. I don't have interest in entertaining your questions in my main so i blocked you there but not here. That account is only for my work related doubts and news. Please understand. Also there is a surge of questions which i wanted to answer. A small update in the end.
| The scary part about your story is I met people like you IRL. People who will sacrifice their own children for their benefit. A mother is someone who protects her children even if it costs her own life. If you know you can't do that, why do you pop new one out now?
- My view is different from yours. I did a mistake, a horrible thing but i won't do it again.
| Why can't you mention Mohit as husband or DH instead of his name?
- I call him by his name. I tried typing with hubby but it felt weird.
| Your 15% salary in 2019 is $600. That's a lot of money for a south asian.
- Yes. If i am being honest, my salary was listed as 20% highest earning people's income in our country. I work for a foreign company.
| How many hours you work per week?
- 50 to 65+ hours depending on clients and project.
| 8 months maternity leave? Are you kidding me? I dont think any South asian country will give you that kind of leave?
- I work in private sector. My company is a communication based foreign company. As per company rules, maternity leave is 8 months.
| Is your ex-FIL is abusive to you too?
- No, i dont know him that much. He died with 1 year of our (ex and I) marriage.
| If he is alive when you are abused, would he stopped the abuse?
- I don't know it clearly eventhough i know he is nice person. I haven't thought about that anyway.
| Is there any sex related issues between you and your ex?
- No
| How far the house you bought is from Leo's house?
- About 6 Kms
| How did Mohit's late wife died?
- Natural disaster.
| What about Mohit's family?
- He (37) , MIL (62) , FIL (~late 60s, bedridden, has Alzheimer's) and SIL (27) working in hospital. We are looking for groom for SIL.
| What is your relationship with your current in laws?
- I would say better than good. We had our up and downs. But they know about me and are very supportive.
| Why do you want to move past your bio children?
- I thought maybe its better for them to not have a mother than a mother who hates and resents them. I thought maybe Leo may marry again and the kids can have a mother figure in their lives again.
| Why didn't Leo remarry?
- I don't know full reason but financial burdens are part of reasons for him not remarrying. I think More than 50% of his income goes for the homecare. When we are still married, he would go to vacations for 4 weeks a year. He did this when i was 8 months pregnant with Rob. He stopped that after homecare.
| How do you know things that happened behind your back like Leo's new gf giving him ultimatum or EX-MIL berating him for the 'manchild' he is?
- I had a phone talk with ex-MIL, 6 months after our divorce. She told all this to me.
| How do you know he is not abusing them? after all an abuser gonna abuse anyway. Its not a matter of if, its a matter of when?
- I am sorry, i am not defending myself but he didn't abuse them. After our divorce which is a taboo in our culture, he was afraid of losing them too. Maybe he thought i am not capable of divorcing him and standing alone at that time with no one to support. Me moving on only made him afraid more. So he became very protective of them. Even Mohit on his visit with children told me how they love their father. I don't know his mentality at all.
| Huma is practically a teen now. Does she knows the reason about their parents divorce?
- She doesn't know that. Only her mom and dad fought and divorced. She asked Mohit about that. He told her the same.
| Your ex seems a misogynistic person. How did you leave your daughter to his care?
- As far as i know, he isn't misogynistic. He is just greedy towards money. All the abuse i suffered from him is based on the fact that i didn't give him money.
| Why do you wanted suddenly for ex to share household chores when you got a job?
- Our early arrangement is that he will bring money and i will take care of the house. But that changed when i got work. He was under the impression that i will give him my money. Maybe if i gave him my money, he wouldn't have abused me and may instead helped me with household chores.
| Did you ex ever apologize beyond acknowledging that it was hard work raising kids? Have they addressed the abuse at all?
- No
| Will you tell your children about their father's abuse towards you when they grow up?
- No, they love their father. I don't want them to think the one who loved and cared about them is the reason they didn't have a mother in their life anymore. They deserve atleast one functional parent.
| Does Huma apologized for calling you b word?
- Not particularly that, i don't think she remembers it. She just apologized generally if she made any mistake.
| Does your bio family knows about you now or your situation?
- I think no, but i really don't know whether they know or don't know.
| You said you had no contact with bio-family. So eventhough you have no one if you divorce Leo, you still divorced him. I am sorry if this seems rude, i am also from S.Asia. I just want to know. How come you have that much courage to divorce him?
- It may not appears big to you but i read a news article back in 2018. Its about a woman in north part of our country committing suicide because of abusive husband. She couldn't escape because of her children and society. She felt trapped. Only way out for her is to take her own life. I feels like it opened my eye. After all, we got only one life.
| Mohit only wants you to have 50/50 custody of your children so you can stop paying child support. He only wants your money
- Between the two of us, he earns atleast 5 times what i earn. He is one of the main client in the company i work for. I am living in his house. So he is definitely not into my money.
| Mohit has better relationship with your children aka his step children than you.
- He is a voluntary social worker for some cause i didn't want to reveal here. He works with children. He loves them and understands them better.
| How come your ex allows Your current husband to visit your children? In what south asian culture this is possible?
- Ex and Mohit didn't met directly. They had phone calls only. When mohit visits, children are in a doctors home along with EX-MIL. Mohit didn't have a problem with her eventhough there are some small issues.
| Then why can't ex allow you to visit children without his supervision?
- Mohit already asked him about that. His reply was given my mental history and court order, he can't trust me with his children without his supervision.
| If EX-MIL is the only supervisor of your visit, would you visit your children?
- Maybe yes, she apologized to me after divorce. Eventhough i am not fully comfortable with her, i can visit my children if she is the only supervisor.
| Why can't you take him to court to change custodial agreement or atleast visitations on grounds of neutral social worker? After all, you have more money.
- Money doesn't matter in court. Custody agreement will be given on the account that i am mentally fit which i am not as per my therapist. Visitation supervisor also can't be changed as ex has more qualities to be the supervisor.
| Do you realize that there is a chance your kids want nothing to do with you and cut you off from their life.
- My old therapist already explained to me the consequences of my actions before divorce. If they want to move on from me, i wont disturb them.
| What south asian school has therapist in their campus?
- Lot of expensive private schools here do. The school my children studying is school with annual fees more than $2800. Compulsory therapist fees includes ~$200.
| Have you met your children's therapist?
- No
| Prenups aren't valid in any south asian country.
- I wrote the word prenup for better understanding. The word is 'Marriage agreement'. It is also invalid but there are certain cases in our court where the judge ordered these marriage agreements to be valid since both parties are adults and consented to it before marriage. Our agreement is also valid since it was written with an advocate (as witness, i hope you understand what i am trying to say here)
| HOA isn't legal in any south asian country. Or atleast i haven't heard of it.
- There is a management for our area. It gives security for all the home owners here. We have to pay fees yearly for it. I named it HOA here. This kind of managements are common here in major cities. Just different names and less power than US HOA like they can't order us to paint different colours for our houses because they didn't like it.
| How long is your new therapist treating you?
- about 13 months
| How experienced is your old therapist?
- She has 25+ years of experience. My supervisor recommended her to me. She published lots of articles related to mental health issues since 97.
| How experienced is your new therapist?
- She has 7 years experience.
| Do you provide college fund for your bio kids?
- College isn't expensive here like in US but it depends on courses. If ex can't manage, i will give them money.
| How is your relationship with your stepkids?
- Amazing to say in one word. They love me and i love them.
| Is Prenatal sex discernment legal in your country?
- No, but doctors here will tell you the gender if they are sure you won't kill it if its not what you're expecting. I think you will understand. My doctor knows mohit well. So no problem here. But if you still feel what we did was illegal, I am sorry.
| Did your step-kids met your bio-kids?
- Yes only one time. Mohit wanted to send step kids to the same school as bio kids but ex didn't want it. His reasons were justifiable so Mohit didn't push it.
| When EX-MIL called you after divorce, did she wanted you to come back or its just about custody of children.
- She wanted me to come back.
| Then maybe ex would've changed, why didn't you gave him a chance then?
- I felt happy when i left him and our children. I didn't want to risk my mental as well as physical health to give him a chance.
| Is your ex manipulating children to write letters to you?
- He told them to write letters to me but i don't think that's manipulation. Maybe he realized kids need mother in their life.
| Since when did your kids writing letters to you?
- From a year after divorce.
| Did your children wrote letters to you for this christmas?
- It will arrive the day after christmas i hope.
| You're living in your husband's house. What happened to your house?
- I rented it
| If Mohit turned out to be abusive, will you abandon your step children and the one inside you too?
- Mohit isn't/won't be abusive. But even if he turned out to be, i will not abandon my girl let alone my step kids who i love like my own kids. I did a horrible mistake. I won't do it again.
| Did you decided the name for the one inside you?
- No. I have some names in my mind. Mohit has some names in his mind. My MIL and SIL had suggested some names. I don't know what are we gonna name her.
| Did Huma's full name was in your suggestion for the one upcoming?
- No.
| You really admitted you only wanted validation.
- At my first post. But now i am not
Onto the update, My doctor advised me to take things slow and not to add stress when i am still pregnant. I had a panic attack 3 weeks ago so i am going to follow his advice. So no video call, only letters for both Huma and Rob for christmas. If there is any improvement in two weeks maybe a phone call on the day of christmas. I am trying words for what to write to them. Therapist gave some solid advices. But i also want perspectives from people who abandoned by their loved ones. So Advices are welcome.
I know people are invested in my story but i can't give you the drama you want. If all goes well, this christmas is going to be best day in my life. So unless anything significant happens, i won't update again before christmas. I will update after New year. Also my stepkids want to celebrate christmas, its first time for them. So we planned for a big celebration in our house. Last time i celebrated christmas wholeheartedly was like 5 years ago, so i feel like i am excited too. So right now, i have to focus on two important things that i ignored for some years. Advance Happy Christmas to you all. Thank you
OP here. I had a little chat with OOP yesterday. Posted here with permission.
OP: Hi Mustang, care to update us about your plan for christmas since its been 6 days from your latest update. Letter or Phone call?
OOP: I already wrote letters for both Huma and Rob. I planned to gift Huma a PS4 as Mohit told me she loves gaming. As for Rob, we are still discussing. I still don't know about the phonecall. I don't think i will be mentally ready before christmas. Sorry.
Again OP here. On behalf of OOP, i request you guys to stop messaging her. And please stop assuming her ethnicity. She clearly doesn't want to reveal that. Thank You | 1,123 | 2022-12-16T13:35:03 | OOP abandoned her children while leaving abusive ex. Now she admits she is a terrible mom | NEW UPDATE | dhulkarnin470 | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/znetrt/oop_abandoned_her_children_while_leaving_abusive/ | false | false | [
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zngb5d | **I am NOT the OP, this is a repost.**
Acronyms: HLM = High libido male, LLF = Low libido female, DB = dead bedroom.
&#x200B;
[**Original**](https://www.reddit.com/r/TrueOffMyChest/comments/z2vz0r/my_30m_wife_28f_thinks_i_have_a_low_sex_drive/) **on** r/TrueOffMyChest, Nov 23rd 2022
**My (30m) Wife (28f) thinks I have a low sex drive. truth is...**
So my wife is indeed a beautiful lady. I’m not interested in cheating or going behind her back. She just thinks we don’t have a lot of sex because I have a low sex drive. Truth is, we don’t have a lot of sex because we have it the way she wants it, and little to never how I want it. I’m all for using vibrators and whatever else to get her off as many times as possible. I’m a HUGE fan of oral and can eat front and back for days but she scarcely returns the favor. She once said “if you shower before bed Ill do it.” So for a week straight I made sure I was showered and clean because let’s be real who wants to go down on a smelly person, totally reasonable request. So I would do my oral on her and indicate I’d like to be on the receiving end… to no avail.. I have a high sex drive but she has become a selfish lover and coming from a man, it’s pretty comical to say this. I have no words at this point and I’m pretty close to just giving up sex all together.
EDIT 1 Yes I have talked to my wife PLENTY of times about this issue. A lot of you guys said the same thing which hey, emotional maturity is fucking impossible to find but yes. I am wide open with my concerns in more than just the sexual aspect in our Marriage.
&#x200B;
**Comments:**
>*I've been there before. My daughters mother would take everything she could get many times a night and she wouldn't even touch my dick.*
>
>*It's great for your self confidence.* [\[link\]](https://www.reddit.com/r/TrueOffMyChest/comments/z2vz0r/comment/ixip791/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3)
>
>>**OOP's response:**
>>
>>*Definitely haven’t felt like Dwayne the rock Johnson in quite some time haha*
&#x200B;
>**A commenter references a** [**previous post**](https://www.reddit.com/r/TrueOffMyChest/comments/ywwrdb/feeling_unappreciated_and_honestly_just_low_lately/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3) **from OOP where he talks about feeling unappreciated:**
>
>*I’ve read your other posts and I’m sorry love, but it’s really common for children that were raised by narcissistic parents to go on to marry narcissistic spouses* 😕*.*
>
>*Your wife gaslights you and basically uses you as her bank and maid. She is a stay at home mum, it is her role to take care of the children and cook, yet you’re doing that. You’re also not being pleased sexually.*
>
>*You’re very nice and I fear that you know that she is taking advantage of you and using your past traumas against you. Please be careful and get some therapy for yourself. You’re still young and there is always a solution. Your children need you to be happy and healthy.* [\[link\]](https://www.reddit.com/r/TrueOffMyChest/comments/z2vz0r/comment/ixjxkat/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3)
&#x200B;
>*Guess I'll state the obvious in that you seem to need relationship counseling. She's unwilling to give a damn about getting you off. That's quite troubling even in a vaccuum.*
>
>*Does she care about you at all? How does she treat you outside of your sex life?* [\[link\]](https://www.reddit.com/r/TrueOffMyChest/comments/z2vz0r/comment/ixilt46/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3)
>
>>**OOP's response:**
>>
>>*I have a separate post that explains why I’m feeling low lately. You can kinda get the whole story from there*
>
>>>**Follow up comment:**
>>>
>>>*I read your other post and there seems to be something fundamentally wrong with your relationship.*
>>>
>>>*If it can't be resolved with counseling it's probably time to consider divorce. It will be awful but you shouldn't be stuck in a horrible relationship. Life is too short. Your wife's looks will fade and you'll have wasted the best years of your life with nothing but anger and resentment. You deserve better.*
>
>>>>**OOP's response:**
>>>>
>>>>*Many deserve better than what they have. I, however, try to make the best of everything. I work hard in life. I play hard as well. I’m normally a happy go lucky dude.*
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[**2nd Post**](https://www.reddit.com/r/TrueOffMyChest/comments/z4ie1k/my_30m_wife_28f_thinks_i_have_a_low_sex_drive/) **on** r/TrueOffMyChest, Nov 25th 2022.
**My (30m) wife (28f) thinks I have a low sex drive… truth is… UPDATE**
First things first. Thank you all so much for the love and support and advice. I didn’t expect that post to get so much traction. Apparently it even made its way to TikTok..
Now if you read the last post, and maybe a few others of mine. The TLDR is my wife is a lazy and selfish lover.. and at this point, person. I have been in therapy myself and I’ve tried couples counseling as well. I have brought my concerns to her in a healthy calm manner, and safe to say, I’ve tried pretty much everything. As most of us know, yesterday was thanksgiving… Here’s an update.
I’m made my signature dish because it was demanded by my in laws that I make it. We go over for food and such. After we eat I took a little snooze on the couch. My wife woke me up and said “hey, I need you to watch the kids. Im gonna have some wine.” I mean alright no problem. So while she’s drinking and playing games with her family, I got put on kid duty for all the kids (I’m also the fun uncle so like I didn’t really care.) I did care as my wife got progressively more and more intoxicated. When we left I literally had to throw her over my shoulder while carrying both kiddos to the car.
We got home, I made her drink water, got the kids around and put them to sleep and helped my wife sober up a bit. We watched some tv and surprisingly, she cuddled into me and thanked me for taking care of her and the kids and she didn’t mean to have so much wine. Alright, I’m always pleased with self awareness. Literally just that little bit washed away any irritation I had. I carried her to bed and laid her down. Got her some water and ibuprofen (and a bucket just in case) got her set up in bed. About two hours later I heard my son crying so I went to get him. He had some nightmares so I got him settled down, put him back to bed. Few hours later my daughter woke up because she peed through her pull up. I got her back to sleep. When I got back into bed my wife was awake. I asked what was wrong? Her response was “I was drunk… and you didn’t even try to do anything to me?” No because even if we are married I’m not going to take advantage of you. That’s pathetic… I laid back down and she said “if you want we can have sex before you go back to bed?” Mind you this was 430, and I was fucking beat and my mental fortitude was gone and this is, In my personal opinion, not the correct way to respond, said “If you want to have sex, you’re gonna have to give me head first. I’m not hard and I’m not doing anything to get it going.” She goes “well I guess Nevermind.”
Couple hours later the alarm went off, I got up. Got the kids around and my coffee. She comes out a few hours later dressed and says “why didn’t you wake me up? You were up like 4 times with the kids. I was gonna let you sleep.” Nah it’s okay. You didn’t even budge at my alarm this morning so I figured you still needed to sleep. Why are you dressed? She said the girls want to go Black Friday shopping and was wondering if I wanted to go. Nah. I’ll hang out with the kids and watch movies. They are gonna have a rough day. And that brings me to now. Having a cuddly movie day with my kids who are tired. She’s out shopping. And I need another cup of coffee.
TLDR my wife lazily tried to bang me and was turned down. Now I have coffee.
EDIT; I posted the third update but it was marked as spam. Currently trying to get that resolved for you guys. Secondly. I posted in the DB Reddit to try and get some tips to help boost her libido, and someone said she may just be using my love of giving oral as masturbation… turns out, dude was spot on. After we had a really good talk Saturday, I’m actually really hurt by her never saying anything. I genuinely at a loss for words.
**Comments:**
>*You are really just staying for the kids, aren’t you?* [\[link\]](https://www.reddit.com/r/TrueOffMyChest/comments/z4ie1k/comment/ixrwczh/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3)
>
>>**OOP's response:**
>>
>>*They are my world and I would happily fall on a thousand swords for them.*
>
>>>**Another commenter replies:**
>>>
>>>*I applaud your dedication, but eventually this dynamic will have a lasting, profound effect on those very same children you'd do anything for. You're modeling behavior for them. They're watching you and learning how relationships work, and it will influence theirs in the future. Would you want your children to stay in a situation like this?*
&#x200B;
&#x200B;
[**3rd Post**](https://www.reddit.com/r/DeadBedrooms/comments/z6xoy9/30hlm_seeking_advice_about_a_28llf/) **on** r/DeadBedrooms **Nov 28th 2022.**
**30HLM seeking advice about a 28LLF**
Hey all. I (30HLM) am looking to reignite my bedroom with my wife (28LLF.) some quick background.
I am a giver. I love giving oral so I do go down on her frequently (and I am being serious here, it’s almost daily.) I like to give her one or two before we move on. The issue is, our sex life slowly declined until about mid June.. since then we have had sex a hand full of times, but I still go down on her almost daily. I have no problems getting her to the peak, if you catch my drift, but as soon as she gets one. She just kinda rolls over and doesn’t want to continue. Now, I don’t watch porn (recovered addict and sticking to it) and I don’t masturbate. Any advice to help get her to bring her libido back up to my level?
Edit; have, in the short time I’ve posted this, discovered she has been using my love of giving oral as a means of masturbation and also thought that since I loved it so much that it got me off too. 🙃
&#x200B;
**Comments:**
>*You...DB.*
>
>*Her....vibrant sex life.*
>
>*Hmmmm.* [\[link\]](https://www.reddit.com/r/DeadBedrooms/comments/z6xoy9/comment/iy458bi/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3)
&#x200B;
>*I don’t understand. You go down on your wife almost daily and give her 1-2 orgasms, but you’ve not had sex in nearly 6 months? Does she return the favour? Have you thought about getting her close with oral and then moving to PIV?*
>
>*Does she genuinely enjoy you going down on her, or is it something she lets you do because she knows you like it? She clearly has a fairly good libido if you’re being intimate multiple times a week, but it sounds like you need to have a conversation about varying it up and finding out what she actually likes.* [\[link\]](https://www.reddit.com/r/DeadBedrooms/comments/z6xoy9/comment/iy3nn8c/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3)
>
>>**OOP's response:**
>>
>>*So basically, she gets off then rolls over. I had plenty of conversations about this with her. Im not trying to paint her with a negative brush if that makes sense? I had this conversation with a close male friend of mine a few months ago and he laughed and told me I was pretty much the girl. She does enjoy it. There’s always signs of O amongst other things. She’s just become… lazy. Doesn’t return the oral, and we don’t switch to full on sex and she refuses to really do much else.*
>
>>>**Follow up comment:**
>>>
>>>That’s not cool. She’s basically using you to masturbate without having to engage in truly intimate two-way sex.
>>>
>>>I get that you enjoy going down on her and you’d be reluctant to lose that since it’s the only sexual contact you have now, but I do think you need to redress the balance. Next time you go down on her, don’t go all the way. Suggest a 69, or ask her to sit on your face and give you a handjob or, once she’s getting close from oral, stop and tell her how much you want to fuck her.
>>>
>>>If she refuses to give you any attention and just wants you to pleasure her, you need to have a serious conversation. Because at the moment you’re not a lover to her, you’re a sex toy. Good luck.
&#x200B;
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[**4th Post**](https://www.reddit.com/r/TrueOffMyChest/comments/z8cik5/my_30m_wife_28f_thinks_i_have_a_low_sex_drive_the/) **on** r/TrueOffMyChest **Nov 30th 2022.**
**My (30m) Wife (28f) thinks I have a low sex drive. The Trilogy (repost)**
Repost since the original was marked as spam. Has since been resolved.
So a lot has happened since Thanksgiving/ Black Friday. After we put the kids down on Saturday, I sat my wife down and told her for the first time she’s going to listen to what I have to say and she will not interrupt or say anything back. I explained everything.. how I’m feeling so awful because of her lack of interest. Because of her laziness and how it’s not okay to just simply not exist because I come home from work. I explained it’s not okay anymore to be a selfish lover because I am too good of a man/husband to feel unworthy of love. The rest of the night she didn’t really say much. The following morning, I woke up suddenly to my kids playing in the living room. I instinctively ran out to see what they were into and how big of a mess there was. To my surprise my wife was playing with them. She said she was sorry that she woke me up. She didn’t realize how her lack of attention and interest was hurting me so much. So far so good.
Monday rolls around. I posted in the dead bedroom Reddit to maybe get some advice from some LL people on how to get my wife more interested in having sex. Someone suggested maybe she was being a pain in the ass and using my love of giving daily oral as a form of masturbation. I didn’t even think of this possibility until they said something. So I asked bluntly if that’s what she was doing. She responded with yes. That’s what she was doing but figured since I loved it so much that it was okay. That me going down on her multiple times was all I wanted. Nope. I didn’t say much after that and kinda just stared off into space thinking about how I was nothing better than a sex toy to her. I woke up early this morning feeling just horny as all hell so I decided I was going to wake her up with my tongue and give it one last Hail Mary attempt. I got into position and… nope.. she’s too tired.
At this point. Seriously. I am really stunned. Help me.
Edit - So a lot of you guys have said to stop giving. So last night and this morning I kept to myself. When she rolled out of bed, she was pretty much pissed immediately. She kicked a pile of small boxes that I had neatly put together to take outside for garbage day. She was tossing things that were in her way. Had a short temper towards our kids (this did not fly and you best believe papa bear came out.) and was saying nasty things as I was heading at the door because I didn’t make her her coffee this morning.
Edit 2/ update- She cancelled our marital counseling session without telling me so we didn’t go last night. She felt it was a waste of time when there’s “nothing wrong” with our marriage. Took that time to deep clean my kitchen out of anger after my kids went down because I genuinely did not have it in me to even look at her. I have refused to give her any sexual attention and I can see the frustration on her face about it. I’m still holding strong but it really sucks when that was literally the only attention that our marriage had anymore. Pretty much a single dad at this point.
&#x200B;
**Comments:**
>*Just stop giving anything at this point. She doesn't deserve your effort. You need couples counselling at the very least and if she refuses that, time for a separation.* [\[link\]](https://www.reddit.com/r/TrueOffMyChest/comments/z8cik5/comment/iybixq3/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3)
&#x200B;
>*Oh man, I'm sorry. I thought things were heading in the right direction. Much as it sounds boring and dead-horsey, have you considered counseling? Maybe with a specialist in sex therapy?*
>
>*Edit: I mean a LEGIT, licensed, professional counselor specializing in sex therapy, not the other sort.* [\[link\]](https://www.reddit.com/r/TrueOffMyChest/comments/z8cik5/comment/iybeo3i/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3)
>
>>**OOP's response:**
>>
>>*Me too, I know a lot of people we’re following and hoping. I was so much hope on Sunday and then it all just went to fucking shit*
&#x200B;
&#x200B;
[**5th Post**](https://www.reddit.com/r/DeadBedrooms/comments/zciqui/30m_db_with_28f_i_think_i_have_a_fix/) **on** r/DeadBedrooms**, Dec 4th 2022.**
**30m DB with 28f. I think I have a fix.**
So this is a half way update/what I plan to do in a final attempt to fix this. Right now, we have had a DB for years. Whenever we did have sex it was pretty much on her (LLF) terms. Me being HL, for the past 6 months, I have been going down in her almost daily to try and get her libido to match mine. It has not been working so the past few days I have stopped giving. It’s been about 5 days since I done it and my wife is acting short tempered and cranky but has not initiated anything.
Last night we got into a big disagreement about some stuff and divorce was put on the table not just because of our DB but because of a plethora of other issues. I have also decided that I am going to up my fitness. I’ve been doing boxing to enjoy the full body work out but now, I am going to do my best to become a certified DILF. I know working out typically can increase libido so I may need some more support from all you wonderful people.
If I can get super fit and she still doesn’t find me attractive enough to actually initiate.. then I have no clue what else to do.
&#x200B;
**Comments:**
>*Good luck my man but do it for yourself, not someone else.* [\[link\]](https://www.reddit.com/r/DeadBedrooms/comments/zciqui/comment/iywozuy/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3)
&#x200B;
>*From your other post: "She cancelled our marital counseling session without telling me so we didn’t go last night. She felt it was a waste of time when there’s “nothing wrong” with our marriage."*
>
>*Yeah. She's done. Time to make an exit plan and take care of yourself.* [\[link\]](https://www.reddit.com/r/DeadBedrooms/comments/zciqui/comment/iyx7i2e/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3)
&#x200B;
&#x200B;
# Friendly reminder that I am NOT the OP, this is a repost. | 4,043 | 2022-12-16T14:46:06 | OP: "My (30m) Wife (28f) thinks I have a low sex drive. Truth is..." | ONGOING | swankycelery | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/zngb5d/op_my_30m_wife_28f_thinks_i_have_a_low_sex_drive/ | false | false | [
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zngxfg | [removed] | 1 | 2022-12-16T15:13:53 | [NSFW] OOP's friends in relationship invite them to join, become 'throuple' | CONCLUDED | [deleted] | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/zngxfg/nsfw_oops_friends_in_relationship_invite_them_to/ | false | false | [
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znh0ea | I'm not the OOP. This was posted by a now deleted user in r/trueoffmychest.
**Trigger Warning** - >!racism, colourism!<
**Mood Spoiler** - >!good for his ex!<
[Original](https://www.reddit.com/r/TrueOffMyChest/comments/zdby53/mum_who_never_hurt_a_fly_in_her_life_made_the/) (6 Dec 22)
**Mum, Who never hurt a fly in her life made the most obnoxious statements to my gf and I don't know how to fix it.**
trigger: racism
My gf and I have been dating for 2 months. I love her even if it's too early yet to tell her. I took her to meet my parents onnSaturday. I'm 1/2 white (mum)and 1/2 black. My gf is black. We come from a country where africans are a very very small minority. Mum knew that my gf is black, and she made a comment about her finding it odd (my 2 older brothers are married to white women). I didn't set much store by that comment.
After dinner, mum started talking to my gf about where her parents came from etc. She then with a big smile said that she was actually surprised that I'm dating a POC and that she was somehow disappointed. My gf was surprised and asked what she meant and mum said yeah well I thought he would prefer a white woman just like (my father and brothers). My gf told her that it was probably harder to meet let alone fall in love with a POC in a country where the majority are white, mathematically the odds are over 95% that you meet a white partner and she was smiling nervously and answering calmly but mum was getting more agitated by the minute. She stated that my gf was so wrong and that men of all colors preferred white women. Gf asked her why there are still black people then and mum told her that because not all can be with a white women. *-Take footballers, and all rich famous actors of color. The English and French football teams for ex, THEY ARE ALL MARRIED TO WHITE WOMEN, and before you talk about odds, africans are not small minorities in these countries so you can't blame it on that. They are rich and famous so they can be with anyone they want and they almost exclusively choose white women.*
My gf just fell silent after that, my father was laughing, brothers and their wives smiled nervously and I was asking mum to stop, almost shouting, throughout the conversation with mum just raising her voice louder. When she finally shut up the atmosphere was awkward. Mum excused herself to unload the dishwasher then she came and half apologized. She said she felt like she was being attacked and that even what she said is brutal, that was reality and reality is brutal. She started crying. My gf did't say anything and she didn't look at anyone. I told her we should leave and she agreed. we didn't stay for desert. My gf has been very distant and in her own thoughts. She didn't mention the dinner and avoided the subject when I asked her that we needed to talk about what happened. I apologized but I don't know if she understands how shocked, disgusted and angry I'm because she has avoided this subject. She is at her place now and she hasn't initiated texting and her answers to my texts are short and cold.
I feel sick. I totally understand my gf and her reluctance to act fine with me and I regret not shutting up my mum but I was shocked and didn't expect that quick escalation. Mum has always been amazing and kind. Loving and never prejudiced. I don't know what happened there. Where did that come from. And the rest off us who just sat there and did nothing. I'm so confused. How could mum have spent almost 35 years with a man when she thinks so little of him and his heritage? And why isn't he more disturbed by it?
I feel sick
[Update](https://www.reddit.com/r/TrueOffMyChest/comments/zgc00s/we_broke_up_update/) (9 Dec 22)
**We broke up (update)**
Or she broke up with me and I totally understand her. The good thing is that she believes me and that I was shocked. She doesn't blame me for "doing nothing" either since everything happened so fast. She wasn't as shocked as I was though and I don't know how to feel about it. It just made me sad.
Now for the break up, I told her that I loved her even with the risk that she would think it was some sort of damage control. She said she knew that and that she felt the same but that she can't see a future with us. She asked me how this would work. She knows how my parents think now and she doesn't believe that people really change, they can adjust and be polite but that wasn't good enough for her. She is not interested to educate nor set good example either. Dealing with them in her life, knowing they are just being cordial with her and eventually our children, yeh that wasn't enough. *"Life is already hard enough, I want my home to be my safe space".*
Next solution is me going NC with my family, and she said that she couldn't do that to me and live with the guilt. So we are over. I understand. I miss her terribly. She is the most beautiful woman I've ever met both inside and out and people like her don't grow on trees.
Many asked about my family and if I have spoken to them yet, I haven't. I don't know if there is anything they can say right now to make me feel better. I know that mum is telling everyone that she "regrets" what happened but does she regret saying or thinking that? Also she keeps saying that she felt "attacked" which is so unfair since my gf (well ex) was very polite and calm.
I don't know about my future either. I feel a bit lost and confused. I don't want this experience leaving me bitter. I come from a predominantly white European country I don't want want to question if my next gf think herself superior to me.
I don't view my parent's love like I did before. It isn't "goals" anymore. No matter how long they have been married and how much they love each other still, it isn't "goals" anymore.
**Reminder - I'm not the OOP**
>!I'm proud of his ex for not being an educational tool for racists and i mean idk what his mother was thinking having mixed babies? What if she had a daughter? If by any chance any of her granddaughters inherit the darker genes will she tell her that she's inferior and no man would want her?!< Bit of rant. Sorry! | 4,199 | 2022-12-16T15:17:36 | OOP -Mum, who never hurt a fly in her life, made the most obnoxious statements to my gf and I don't know how to fix it. | CONCLUDED | prettiergenghis | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/znh0ea/oop_mum_who_never_hurt_a_fly_in_her_life_made_the/ | false | false | [
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znhg96 | I'm not the OOP. This was posted by u/Dear_Fee7205 in r/relationship_advice.
Trigger Warning - >!bullying, physical violence!<
[Original](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/zg560x/my_mom_wants_to_have_a_talk_after_kicking_me_out/) (8 Dec 22)
**My mom wants to have a talk after kicking me out two years ago in favor of her boyfriend who bullied me in high school.**
My dad passed away when I was only one. It's been me and my mom ever since. As you can guess, my mom and I were very close. When I was a sophomore in high school, my mom got a part-time job as a gym teacher at my school. I supported her when she asked if I would be comfortable with it. It was extremely uncomfortable when guys would make comments on my mom's appearance. It also gave ammo to Brad who bullied me in high school. He would make inappropriate comments about her towards me.
Brad was a year ahead of me, so I thought I was finally rid of him after he graduated. I was wrong. When I became a senior. My mom started going out very often. Initially, I was happy for her because I wanted her to find someone nice. However, it came to a point where barely got any time together. To be frank I thought she was avoiding me. This was because whenever I tried to make plans with her, she had already made plans before. I sort of kept it to myself because I didn't want to come off needy. I didn't complain when she missed my birthday because she was out all night. When she tried to apologize the next day, I told her it was ok.
After six months of this behavior, I decided to take action. I asked my mom if we could have dinner together, just the two of us. She said she was too busy. I got fed up and told her to stop ignoring me. She said that she wasn't ignoring me but that she had a life to live. That really hurt me a lot. Out of anger, I started to ignore her for a few days. After those days passed, she finally apologized to me. However, she said she needed to talk to me about something important. She wanted to introduce me to her boyfriend at dinner. She didn't sound excited about it. It sounds like she almost dreaded it.
When the door rang, my mom opened it up and introduced the guy to me. I was in extreme shock. It was Brad. I almost screamed at my mom, asking her what is he doing here. Brad came forward to acknowledge that this situation was uncomfortable but he's sorry for how he treated me in school and that he really cares about my mom. My mom asked us to sit and let her explain how this all happened. I remember screaming "I don't give a fuck about your explanation. You tossed me aside for this piece of shit. You're a pathetic excuse of a mother." My mom then defended him when said "Don't you dare call him that." She then said she tried to accommodate everyone in this tough situation by keeping the relationship away from me. She then said "Like it or not, Brad is here to stay. If you don't like it you're more than welcome to leave." I packed my bags right there and then. I called my grandma and told her about the whole situation. She drove to my house and confronted my mom. After a shouting match between them, I left with my grandma.
My mom tried calling me several weeks after but I blocked her. She tried to visit me but I called the cops on her. After that, she sort of gave up.
It had been two years since I'd heard from my mom. Then I get a call from her yesterday she said it's urgent and we need to meet up. I don't know if I should go.
[Update](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/zhakdg/i_feel_good_for_what_i_did_to_my_mom_and_her/) (10 Dec 22)
**I feel good for what I did to my mom and her boyfriend.**
Well, curiosity got the best of me. There was also a burning desire to unload on her.
I finally texted back my mom asking where should we meet. She said we could meet for lunch at the restaurant at 12:00 PM. I didn't have any class today so I was good to go. When I arrived at the restaurant, I heard some woman scream my name. It was my mom who I haven't seen for two years. She asked how was I and said she would hug me but said she knew I would reject it. Her voice was shaking when she asked me to follow her to her table.
Unsurprisingly, Brad was sitting there. He didn't even look me in the eye as we sat down. He just nodded his head as if to simply acknowledge my arrival. As my mom sat down she started shooting out multiple questions. "What you've been up to?" "Are you in school?" "How's it going?" I got annoyed and told her "Stop wasting my time with these questions. What do you want from me?".
She responded, "Well before we tell you, can we explain how all of this happened?" I said "Sure". For those of you asking me to get her ass in trouble with the school board. I hate to break it to you, but they never interacted with each other when Brad was in school. Brad only knew about her because his friends would take pictures of her before gym class started and share them with everyone. It was Brad who approached her at a bar. She didn't recognize him. So he told her he went to the high school she works at and graduated recently. My mom was lonely and jokingly told him she wouldn't tell anyone that he wasn't 21 as long as he hung out with her. They exchanged numbers and made a promise to hang out with each other. She said she knew that I wouldn't be comfortable with her seeing a peer of mine. So she kept it a secret and convinced herself it was going to be a short and casual relationship. Eventually, the relationship got serious. When she was hanging out at his house she asked him about introducing him to me. He told her it wasn't a good idea. She responded by saying I'll get over the age gap relationship. He was forced to come clean about the relationship I had with him in high school. That's when my mom started tearing up and her voice was shaking. She said she was in shock about what she had done. She couldn't sleep at night because of the guilt. She couldn't even look at me without feeling immense guilt. She had him blocked on her phone. After a week he sent him a message on Facebook to at least meet him once. She obliged. He showed up with roses. and begged for forgiveness. He even said he'll apologize to me in person and that he's a changed person. She took him back. The next was the day she invited him to dinner.
My mom burst into tears and begged me to forgive her for hurting me. She then said these two years have been painful for her. Finally, Brad spoke and admitted "She misses you like crazy dude. She still needs you in her life." My mom said "I am sorry for being an awful mother. We want to make it up to you. We're moving to California and we want you to come with us. We will foot the bill for your education and everything else. You won't have to work at all. You'll have a permanent place in our home."
I don't know what the hell came to me but I started laughing like crazy. Like a madman. It was the most ridiculous proposition.
Now, this is what makes me the monster. This is what I really came there for. After I calmed down. This is what I said to her: "Mom you must be the most delusional c\*\*\* if you think I'll ever forgive you. You are dead to me for good. The only acknowledgment you'll get for me is me pissing on your grave when you pass away." Then she was hysterically crying. I got up from the table and left the restaurant. Only a minute after walking to the parking lot, I hear my mom screaming at Brad to stop following me. I really wanted this confrontation. The moment he grabs my shirt, I turn around and sucker punch him in the face. He drops on the road with his mouth bleeding. My mom comes to physically restrain him from hurting me until he calms down. I told them "This is what I think about your proposal."
It's been four hours now after the incident. I know deep down I should be ashamed of myself. But I feel amazing inside. I don't know if adrenaline can last that long. It feel like I took my power back.
>What does a guy do that's only a year older than you to make that kinda money to pay your college. If it's your mom wouldn't she already* have that saved or set up. Just weird.
>>**OOP** - I don't what job Brad has. My mom on the other hand has been saving up money ever since my father passed. I remember telling if me if I got good grade she'll take out a loan for me to pay for my school and pay it back herself.
**Reminder - I'm not the OOP** | 5,460 | 2022-12-16T15:36:45 | My mom wants to have a talk after kicking me out two years ago in favor of her boyfriend who bullied me in high school. | CONCLUDED | prettiergenghis | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/znhg96/my_mom_wants_to_have_a_talk_after_kicking_me_out/ | false | false | [
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znjbn4 | *I am not OP This was originally posted in /r/NoFap by /u/automaticaide1325*
trigger warnings: >!severe addiction, severe depression & self harm!<
mood spoiler: >!bleak, depressing!<
&nbsp;
[I am the wife of a porn addict, and it destroyed me](https://www.reddit.com/r/NoFap/comments/ms6cao/i_am_the_wife_of_a_porn_addict_and_it_destroyed_me/)- April 16th 2021
Porn is not some innocent past time. Porn isn't something that doesn't hurt those we love.
Porn is destructive. To yourself and to those that love you.
I used to be confident, self assured, had pride in myself, and loved myself. Now, nearly 6 years later, I'm a shell of the person I used to be, because of my husbands porn addiction.
I watched, year after year, my husband ogle other women, right in front of me, literally fantasizing about fucking these women, while sitting right next to me holding my hand. I learned how time after time, my husband preferred to sit in some dirty, nasty public bathroom, for God only knows how long, watching God only knows what, and jerking off, to the point of injury, instead of coming home and making love to his willing and waiting wife. I now know that during our lovemaking, all my husband thinks about are nameless women, and is fucking them in his head, and just using my body as a means of doing this.
There's more, so much more, but it hurts too much to talk about it. I had caught him, a few times, he rationalized his behavior, promised to stop, and told me he had, for years. Now I found out, it's never stopped. Not once.
He's been lying to me for years, and now, finally, when he's literally destroyed the person who loved him more than life itself, he's ready to change.
Why did his recovery have to come at my expense? Why did his willingness to finally get help and admit to what he's been doing to me all the years, have to happen when I've reached rock bottom? And now, I'm supposed to continue to support him, to make it "easier" for him so he doesn't relapse, be kind and sweet and not talk about it with him, so that he can continue to succeed. While I watch him take quick "peeks" at bikini girls on TV, or quick glances at young girls in tight yoga pants at the store.
I'm supposed to make it easier for him, when I no longer want to live, when I don't sleep, when I hurt myself to take away the inner pain my husbands addiction has caused me.
So, for those of you that think this is harmless, you are dead wrong. If you think that by hiding it makes it ok, you are wrong. I would never had married him had I known he had any addiction, drugs, alcohol, gambling, or sex. I had the right to know about it, I had the right to know what I was marrying into, to make that decision for myself if I could accept it, but that choice was taken away from me.
For the sake of your loved ones, be honest, from the beginning. Don't take away their right to decide. Because for me, at this point, it's a matter of my own life or death if I stay.
&nbsp;
[I am the wife of a porn addict, and it destroyed me Update](https://www.reddit.com/r/NoFap/comments/zgf3k6/i_am_the_wife_of_a_porn_addict_and_it_destroyed/) - Dec 8th 2022
It's been just over 2 years since I first learned of my husband's addiction. It's hard to read my initial post, man, was I in a deep dark hole. That hole only grew, too, and I saw some pretty dark times in the months to come.
For those who offered kind words, sympathy, offered advice, and reached out... thank you.
For those of you who did the opposite, all I can say is, I hope and I pray that you never have to experience what I have the last 2 years.
Over the last 2 years, I have been dealt many disclosures and admissions. Each one worse than the last. What I thought was a pornography and masturbation addiction, turned out to be far worse. I can say this has been the most humbling experience, and I've learned that unless you are in someone's place, you really have no idea of what you would do, regardless of what you think you would do. It's also been humiliating, degrading, tormenting, and isolating in ways that are unimaginable.
Some will say I'm weak for staying as long as I have, but they are wrong. It takes great strength to wake up every day and face the same demons, and determination and grit to slay them every single day. Some days I wanted to die. Other days I wanted to run. Yet, every day I chose to keep fighting, until I no longer felt like dying or running.
For those of you who are struggling with this addiction, if there is anything I hope to gain out of all we've been through, all I have endured, it is this. Pornography is a drug and a powerful one at that. It lures you in with the promise of pleasure and excitement, and when it is done with you, then what? You are alone.
Sitting in a dark room with nothing but the lights of a computer screen as a companion. Alone.
Standing in a bathroom with your phone in your hand as your lover. Alone.
Laid back on your sofa, staring at a frozen television screen after your video has ended. Alone.
Then the shame comes. The shame of once again giving in to this temptation. The shame that you couldn't stop yourself yet again. The shame of your secret and that you chose fantasy over your partner, the one person who's there every day to support you, to love you, to live a life with, yet you seek sexual release behind his/her back, knowing they deserve better, knowing this is wrong.
But it doesn't end there. No. Pornography is not done with you yet. Erectile dysfunction. Viewing pornography that is progressively hardcore, or material you never dreamed you would view, or worst-case scenario... illegal pornography, and I promise you, it will happen. Like any drug, you build a tolerance. Then, when fantasy isn't enough, you physically start acting out. Cheating. Public masturbation. Stalking. Window peeping. The list goes on.
Will porn be there to keep you warm at night? Will porn wrap its comforting arms around you when you are grieving a loss? Will porn give you a family to fill your home with warm memories? Will porn build a life with you? Or would you rather look back and think about all the times you masturbated while your wife slept? Or how you'd rather miss your kids school concert so you can have time alone to get off? You are the one missing out. This isn't a life. You are at the mercy of pornography and the price you pay is far more than you realize.
You aren't just hurting yourself; you're hurting those you say you love. I can promise you; your partner isn't going to angry...they're going to be hurt that you would rather turn to fantasy then to them, and they deserve better. You deserve better.
For anyone who's interested in knowing... I'm alive and well, although if I were honest, I didn't know if I would be. My husband's addiction had many layers, has many layers, and everything that was safe to me, had been violated in one way or another, and I no longer had safety. I had nowhere to go, no one to talk to, because if anyone knew what my life was, I would be ostracized. My kids would have been ostracized. I had far more to lose than just a marriage.
After feeling about as low as anyone could, I decided to have cosmetic surgery. For me. And I feel amazing about myself again. I also went back to school to get my master's degree, with the plan to specialize in sexual addictions. I'm 1 1/2 years in, with 1 1/2 years left. All A's thus far. Maybe I'll open my own practice. Maybe I'll move. Who knows. What I do know is that I'm not limited. Do I still have days that are rough? Absolutely. But I fight, every damn day, I fight back. I love myself. I love who I have become, and I have had to pay dearly for the person I am today.
My last disclosure was 5 months ago, when I learned my husband was using his job to get entrance into women's homes and use their personal items for his pleasure. My advice to anyone... get cameras installed. He also went window peeping on the night of my birthday, 6 months ago. The next month, my husband entered treatment.
Am I still married? Yes. But with very strong boundaries. I made him disclose his actions to his employer. He is no longer allowed to work alone. Period. I have a tracking app so that I can make sure he's not frequenting public places to act out. He has an app that monitors his screen activity so that he cannot access pornography. He does not use credit cards so that he cannot purchase anything without me knowing. These were the conditions I made clear to him if we were to stay married, or he could leave at any time. He chose to stay. After inpatient treatment 1000 miles away and $25,000 later, he recognizes now how ill he was, and he will always be an addict, and he never wants to go back to that place again. He is willing to do what he knows he needs to do to stop that from happening. He has little self-control, and he has told me and his therapist that I have saved his life and he is forever grateful that even with the boundaries, I stood by him, and I fought for something far greater than just our marriage. Are the boundaries too much? Maybe. But he's welcome to leave any time. I am not concerned with protecting the addict, but I will protect him, myself, and society to the best of my abilities.
To conclude this post, I would like to say that pornography is not what you think it is. Many of these people in pornography are victims of sex trafficking, childhood sexual abuse, prostitution, and forced into this life with drugs, manipulation, abuse, fear tactics, and many others. It is a business that supports the continuation of all of these things, and I encourage you to please check out the Fight the New Drug site (link below). If you are not part of the solution to combat this, then you are part of the problem, and as long as you support pornography, you are supporting the continuation of abuse of thousands of children, women, and men.
Good luck to you all and I wish you the best in this powerful struggle.
https://fightthenewdrug.org/
**Reminder - I am not the original poster.** | 2,062 | 2022-12-16T16:55:25 | I am the wife of a porn addict, and it destroyed me | CONCLUDED | ExistD | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/znjbn4/i_am_the_wife_of_a_porn_addict_and_it_destroyed_me/ | false | false | [
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znjp4a | #Reminder: I am not OP. This is a repost sub!
**Trigger warnings: >!racism, infidelity (cheating), child abandonment!<**
**On Fri 25 Nov 11:41:16 2022 /u/idkwtdnow2 made this post on /r/TIFU:** https://old.reddit.com/r/tifu/comments/z4bct3/tifu_by_saying_something_horrible_about_my_child/
I found out when I was young that I can't have any kids.
I slept around a lot when I was younger. One of them was a girl I slept with around 10 years ago until I found out not only she is married but she also has a child. I broke up with her as soon as I found out. About a year ago she contacted me and told me I have a child. I reminded her that I can't have any kids but she insisted that the kid has to be mine and kept calling until I agreed to a DNA test just to get rid of her.
Turned out that she was cheating on her husband again and he found out, took DNA tests from both kids and found out that the younger one isn't his. I took the test and she is mine. I can't explain how happy I was to know that I have a daughter and how sad I was to know that I missed everything. Her first steps, her first word, everything.
He started to act like a jerk and gave her an ultimatum. He would stay with her for their child but he didn't want her affair child. I saw my daughter begging her mom to let her stay and it broke my heart. I got into a fight with him and asked him to have some fcking sympathy for a child that HE RAISED but he didn't change his mind so I took my daughter with me.
Kiddo has been living with me for a year now. The first few months were hard but then things got better however before I take her I decided to know more about her. I asked her mom and her teachers about her and they all told me that she is perfect. She is quiet, polite and smart but that is not how she acted with me. I kept thinking what am I doing wrong? Why is the girl that everyone describes as an angel behaving this way? But I couldn't find out
It was about a month ago that I fcked up. It was a very bad day generally. First kiddo couldn't wake up to go to school because she slept around 4 am. I was so mad at her she knows she is not allowed to stay up so late. I took her to school and went to work where I had a very bad day and then at the end of the day I received a call from her school asking me to pick her up because she has been suspended for 2 days for bullying a boy. I know the boy. He was no victim. He has been saying racist things to my little girl since day one but still what she had done to him was terrible and wrong. I had to take the rest of the day off and get her. When I got her I found out that she also got a D in her exam. She never got anything other than A when she was with her mom and when I got angry about it she told me to go fck myself. I was fuming.
And it wasn't the end of it. We had another fight that night because she refused to clean her bedroom and another one after that because she wouldn't eat her food because "she doesn't like salad" and another one becsuse it was her turn to wash the dishes(that's her only chore, she has to wash the dishes once a week) I was so tired and if it wasn't enough I got a call from my best friend and coworker to let me know that I screwed up at work by going early and my boss is mad at me. I was so angry I couldn't help venting. I didn't mean a word of what I said but I couldn't help saying it. I told him taking kiddo in was the worst mistake of my life and if only I could send her back to her mom
I turn around and she is standing right behind me with her eyes full of tears. I apologized 1000 times but she was crying so much I don't think she heard me. That's when everything changed. She started to do everything I told her to do. She got A's in all her exams. She was polite and quiet and I hated it. She didn't tell me about her day anymore. She didn't laugh or talk to me much. I put her i therapy. I kept trying to talk to her and cheer her up and get her to behave like she used to until one day she started crying and said: "what do you want from me? I'm a good girl now"
I hate mysef
I miss her. I miss her waking me up in the morning in my days off when she knows I like to sleep more but she wakes me up anyway just to be annoying. I miss her stealing my fries because apparently "she loves fries more than I do". I miss her watching horror movies when I told her she is not allowed to and then coming to my room at night because she thinks Annabelle is coming after her and she wants me to hug her. I miss her telling me she loves me every day
I asked her teacher how she is doing at school and she told me she has been perfect lately and that was when it hit me, She was never perfect when she was with her mom, she was deppressed.
My family hates me and none of them wants to talk to me anymore. My sister is coming to stay with us for a week to cheer her up
I tell her I love her every day and apologize but it doesn't work. I fcked up and I don't know how to fix it
TLDR; I said something horrible about my daughter in a moment of anger and she heard me. I ruined everything
*Relevant comments from other users left in response:*
>Have you explained why you said what you said? That you were having a shitty day and you said it in the heat of the moment and didn’t for one second believe it, you were just lashing out? She may be young but tell her everything - that you thought you could never have kids and she is your miracle. That you would never ever want to wish her away and you are so so glad she is there. That you want to be a good dad to her and you and her need to work together to make this work. Ask her what you can do to make it up to her. Redecorate her room, tickets to her favourite band, anything she wants. As a start. Money doesn’t fix it but room redecorating will make her see that this is her permanent home. Remind her that this is her home. Be blunt and open and honest with her. Yes she’s young but she’s already been through so much she needs to know that you’re not going to abandon her. You won’t be on the birth certificate so legally do you need to adopt her or anything? If so, do it. Tell her you’re adopting her to make this official. Show her how much you want her with you. Forever. If you have tattoos get her name tattooed on you. Show her something permanent to prove to her your love and commitment. That’s what she needs right now. She’s already had one father abandon her and she’s terrified you’ll do the same.
In response to above comment, another commenter said
>>Have you explained why you said what you said? That you were having a shitty day and you said it in the heat of the moment and didn’t for one second believe it, you were just lashing out?
>My adoptive mom used to say similar things to me when I was little and try and say “Oh I was just angry” too. I’m 25 now and still remember every single one. I do think she’s owed an explanation, but at the same time idk if explaining will help.
Another comment
>I can't imagine. Not only did her first fily reject her, now the one person she thought might actually care has said it was a mistake.
>But people do make mistakes. Best you can do is sit down and be honest. You know it was terribly wrong to say those things. And you didn't mean them. You were incorrectly externalizing your own frustrations with yourself.
>I'd promise you'll do whatever she needs to rebuild that trust. Whenever she is ready. And then be patient--it could take a long long time. But make the effort. And definitely go to therapy with her or by yourself. It's not her fault and she shouldn't have to work through that herself when it was you who made the mistake.
Later in the thread, another comment
> ... I wasn't in the exact sort of situation, but I can understand where she is coming from.
>I won't go into exact details, as this is my main account, however long story short I was raised by my grandparents because of bad parents. I always thought that my parents rather go off and do what they wanted, rather than to raise me. It made me feel unwanted and that my own birth parents wanted nothing to do with me. I am a grown adult now, and it still bothers me. It also made me question if it was my fault, and if my grandparents only took me in because they had no choice.
>I am sure she is in the same situation. In her mind, what she called her dad for 8-10 years wants nothing to do with her, and her own mother choose him over her. She probably feels unloved, and like a burden. Whether or not this is the case, that is how she perceives it. Hearing you say what you did just solidified her thoughts of being a burden and feeling unloved.
>You cannot fix this in one day, and there is no telling how long it will take to fix. It's like running a car without ever changing the oil. It wears down slowly, eventually causing the entire motor to seize up. Once it is seized, changing that oil won't fix it, you gotta tear the motor down and rebuild it back up from scratch. Funny analogy, but she is the car, and her parents were the oil, while you are the fresh oil change. She is broken, worn down, and "neglected", and you must help rebuild her and even then, she may not be the same as she was before.
>My advice to you is, stop apologizing. You are only reminding her of it, and will prolong the damage. You can say sorry to your seized up engine, but it wont run again until you actively put in the effort to rebuild it. You need to sit down with her and have a long talk. Ask her how she truly feels, and what you can do to help reassure her that you do love her, and want nothing but the best for her. Explain to her why you expected her to be at school everyday, to get good grades, and why chores are important. Let her know its not because you just feel like controlling her, or to have her be your outlet of frustration. Do as global says, as its a great start. Remind her that you WANT her there. Remind her that you NEED her there. Don't let this little girl think she is only there because you had no choice, and is a burden because of it. I highly doubt this is how you feel, but in her mind, that's just the way it is. She won't ever think differently so long as you just continue like business as usual. You must show her, as actions are more important than words. Setup a specific time/day every week/month that is dedicated to just her and you. Take her to the movies, take her to the beach, find her hobbies and support her in them. Remind her that you truly care, and are just trying to do what's best.
>She may be young, but she is old enough to understand, with proper explanation, of why you said what you said. It cannot be easy to be thrown a curve ball like you were, and to be immediately expected to take her in and raise her with no warning, no preparation, and no plan. Don't just explain things and go on with life. Ask her questions, make sure any and all questions she has are answered. But at the end of the day, you actively have to remind her that she is your angel and you want nothing but the best for her. BUT, you must also remind yourself of this. Life is stressful, and so is raising a child. You have to actively remember that she is not there to take the blunt of your long days, or to have your frustrations taken out on her. You must actively remember that kids are not stupid, and pick up signs of things. If you cannot control your own emotions, you cannot expect her to. Seek counseling for the BOTH of you, and be there with her, let your therapist know of your frustrations and problems, and let them help you both through it.
>Remember, it will take time, don't give up, and stop thinking about her as a burden, or she will be one. She is a child and is lost.
>Goodluck, and remember, smiles are contagious.
**On Wed 07 Dec 14:58:45 2022 /u/idkwtdnow2 made this update post on /r/TIFU:**
https://old.reddit.com/r/tifu/comments/zf3617/tifu_update_by_saying_something_horrible_about_my/
A lot of you asked me for an update so I decided to let you know how we are doing
First of all thank you for your amazing advices. They certainly helped.
Having my sister over for a week was also good for her. She is better than me when it comes to kids and my daughter seemed better by the end of the week
So I explained everything to her. I told her she is my little miracle and I love her and will never send her back. I explained the whole story. She didn't say anything but she listened.
We redecorated her entire bedroom. I also realized that I don't have any of her photos at home so we got some family photos and some photos of just her and put them in every room (Is putting photos in the laundry room really as weird as my sister says?). She loves horror movies so we had a movie night and watched Coraline together(I don't know how she wasn't scared because I WAS. Is that seriously a kids movie?) We have also started family therapy. Today she even started to play that awful AWFUL song that she loves on repeat like she used to do before. After the 10th(?) time listening to it in a row I jokingly asked her if she minds sulking again and for a minute I thought oh no I fcked up again but then I caught her smiling which is like a huge success for me because she hasn't been smiling at me for weeks and I wanted to share it with everyone.
TL;DR : I fcked up but I think we are gonna be ok. She has been doing better and she is even annoying me and smiling about it now
*edited to include TWs*
#Reminder: I am not OP. This is a repost sub! | 5,013 | 2022-12-16T17:11:19 | TIFU by saying something horrible about my child | CONCLUDED | swantoes | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/znjp4a/tifu_by_saying_something_horrible_about_my_child/ | false | false | [
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znkbru | **I am not OOP. OOP is** [u/WhyAmIAFae](https://www.reddit.com/user/WhyAmIAFae/). She posted in r/AmItheAsshole. I fixed a few spelling errors for readability.
Your daily fun fact: u/Noire_Raven requested African Wild Dogs. African Wild Dogs can run up to 44 miles per hour, (70.8 kilometers per hour) and they only have four toes per foot! ([Source 1](https://www.conservationafrica.net/blog/interesting-facts-about-african-wild-dogs/#:~:text=African%20wild%20dogs%20generally%20live,large%20rounded%20ears%20to%20swivel), [Source 2)](https://www.lionworldtravel.com/news/fun-interesting-facts-about-african-wild-dogs).
**Trigger Warning:** >!sex shaming, snooping!<
**Mood Spoiler:** >!Hopeful but I'm still concerned about the roommate!<
**Original** [Post](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/z3rnab/aita_for_yelling_at_my_roommate_after_he_snooped/)**: November 24, 2022**
I (22F) have a roommate (22M) and we've been living together over a year. We've been friends for a long while and I'm talking before middle school.
In our apartment, I have my own bathroom and typically keep all my essentials under my sink; pads, makeup, toilet paper, etc. I work long hours and I only use a certain amount of toilet paper every time I wipe so I don't go through toilet paper very fast.
I am single. Have been for a long time and don't see myself finding a SO for a long while still and I'm content with that. I have toys to keep myself engaged and happily pleasured and I clean them after each session. I keep them under my bathroom sink while they dry after a cleaning and when not in use, a tote under my bed so they're not in plain sight in my room.
I used them the night before this incident and apparently forgot to put one away after I cleaned it so it was sitting on my bathroom sink.
I got home from work the other night and he was sitting in our living room on his phone but looked up and said we needed to talk. I asked him what, he said my room. I asked what the problem was and he looked a bit uncomfortable and said that he saw my toys. I asked him what he meant and he said that he went into my bathroom and saw one on the counter and 2 more under the sink and said it was disgusting to just leave them out. Apparently after finding them, he peeked around my room and also found my tote under my bed and found my other toys.
I'm not going to lie, I went ballistic. I asked him why he was in my room and he said he needed toilet paper because he was almost out. I told him that doesn't give him the right to go into my room unannounced and when I'm not home, much less search my room to see if I had more. He said that he wouldn't have said anything if one wasn't on the counter and he overlooked them in the past. Turns out, it was a regular occurrence for him to go into my room while I wasn't home and borrow my things. He said his reason for bringing it up was because it was unsanitary to leave one on my bathroom sink and accused me of being a sex addict because of how many toys I have and that he's concerned for my health due to my toys. I do have a few more than most people but I've explored what I like and don't like and some were expensive so I'm not going to throw them out and I can't return or gift them. So some are used rarely or not at all.
I told him he didn't have the right to go into my room and bathroom and told him to go fuck himself because he doesn't get to control what I buy nor do in my free time unless I'm not making rent or being able to pay for our shared bills.
Since then, I have not spoken to him and he's avoiding looking at me or being in the same room.
I did ask a friend and she thinks I may've been too hard on him but I don't feel bad at all.
So, AITA for yelling at my roommate after he found my toys while snooping?
Slight update/revision: I confused some of you in the comments, he did NOT use my toys. I washed them as an extra precaution just in case something was done to them like hot sauce being put on them or something. Not because he used them. And update, I am talking to him tonight when I'm off. I texted him and told him we needed to talk immediately and if he refused then I would be finding another place to live. I'm taking some of yall's advice and investing in a camera for my room and a door lock that locks with a key from the outside. Thank you all for your concern and I will update after our talk is done.
***Relevant Comments:***
*Have you talked about sex lives before?*
"Thank you! It's just weird, we're both open about our sex lives so it's not like it would be a surprise to him that I have toys because he was aware I had some. Maybe the amount? Even then, I'm angry regardless."
*More info on amount of toys/if she will throw them away:*
"Okay, so a couple things lol
I have well over $900 worth of toys, I'm not tossing them but I will be washing them intensely and thoroughly. He tends to be more honest than not and did admit that he looked under my bed and saw my toys and did tell me what he used and returned and everything lines up. I haven't noticed anything missing and haven't in the past. And I'm not on birth control because I'm not sexually active even though I have intense cramps. I'm scared to death because the last time I was on birth control, I almost died because they made me puke up everything I ate every time I ate and it made me lose weight quickly and put me in the hospital.
As I've said on other threads, I want to talk to him about this before any cement decisions get made because this has never been a pattern of behavior and want to know if this something deeper than me having toys or too many in his opinion. He knew I had toys but from what it appears is that he didn't realize how many.
However, either way, before any big decisions are made, there is going to be a long talk involved for both parties and if he refuses or refuses to accept accountability, then moving out will be the next course of action."
"I have rewards with stores in my area and do a lot of online browsing and buying with clearance, BOGO, promotional offers, etc so it's actually 20+ 😬 Maybe a bit excessive but I know what I do and don't like with toys now."
***OOP is voted NTA***
**Update (Same Post): November 29**
I am alive, sorry for concerning some of you! We did talk and it was a bit interesting. As of right now, he is not moving out but this is how our talk went.
I told him that I'm putting cameras up in my room and getting a door lock. He understood and apologized for violating my boundaries.
When I asked him why he repeatedly went in my room, he said it started out as simple stuff like tape, scissors, toilet paper if he was running out, etc. If it was something that could be returned, he returned it.
He said if I didn't trust him that I could search his room and I took him up on the offer, I found nothing. I also asked if he had taken any photos of me without my consent and he said no and let me search his phone. I'm not an idiot so I looked for any hidden folders in his gallery, his Google drive, SC hidden photos, even his hidden albums on Facebook, I found nothing.
I asked him why he did it and at first he was a bit hesitant to say anything but did confirm that he did have a thing for me. He said he had a minor crush when we were kids and it had come back when we moved back in but I told him it wouldn't happen as I'm not even sure if I LIKE men at this point (I identify as pansexual but find myself more and more favoring women or non-binary individuals more than men) and that I've never held romantic feelings for him. He said that he expected that and apologized again.
When I asked why he made it a big deal, he basically said that he knew I had toys but realize how many I had. He wasn't jealous but seeing the volume of how many I had was shocking and he's aware of my sexual habits because we've mutually spoken about ours but he was concerned that I had developed a sex addiction, thinking I bought all of them recently. I explained what I replied in some comments, that I started my collection a while ago and just never throw them out if I don't like them, and that not all of them are recent purchases.
I told him that until further notice that I would be locking my door when I'm asleep or not home and he accepted that. He asked if I wanted him to move out and would accept it if I did and I told him no but he needed to regain trust if we wanted things to go back to how they were. I said the only area of the house I would spend any time with him in is the living, not my room.
So overall, the talk went well and I lead the conversation. He was open to criticism, what I had to say and the boundaries I put in place.
Time will tell if he can regain my trust but I do have faith in him.
Update 2 because I forgot to mention something!
I checked my room for cameras, like tore it apart and checked everything, electric sockets, light bulbs, EVERYTHING. And nothing! All safe!
**While I could mark this as concluded, I'm marking it as ongoing just in case.** | 2,576 | 2022-12-16T17:38:34 | AITA for yelling at my roommate after he snooped and found my "toys"? | ONGOING | LucyAriaRose | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/znkbru/aita_for_yelling_at_my_roommate_after_he_snooped/ | false | false | [
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znkudy | **I am NOT OP. Original post by** u/Bladehuraska **in** r/tifu
[**TIFU by accidentally naming my nephew after a pokemon.**](https://www.reddit.com/r/tifu/comments/kdqzyp/tifu_by_accidentally_naming_my_nephew_after_a/) \- 15th December 2020
I was on a family vacation driving around the mountains and while in the van my little sister had her kid. The family is in celebration and apparently there was still a discussion on what the child's name would be. (Father not in the picture, long story). While they were discussing potentially unique names I kept overhearing they wanted it to begin with the letter Z (for whatever reason). by PURE COINCIDENCE I was in the van playing Pokémon Sword on my Nintendo switch in the back and I had JUST caught Zacian with a quick ball. (Truthfully this was my 2nd attempt at him and i just opened with it). I jokingly suggested, "Hey Zacian is a kool name. It means sword in Japanese." My mother and family loved it so its now official.
On the real, my older sis and GF are the only ones that know the truth, so now we are getting some Pokémon related gifts for the baby for Christmas to reveal the truth and make it a funny joke.
Edit: I will post a photo later if requested of the baby with their name.
Edit 2:, I should clarify. The baby was NOT had in the van. Most of my family was in a van together in a different state where we got the phone call/video chat about it.
Edit 3: Holy shit. Thank you all so much, especially for the awards. I've never gotten any before. I've been mostly a lurker redditor for years. I never thought this incident would get so much attention. >3
Edit 4: I'm updating now that the holidays are done. I made a 2 part tiktok video that covers the reveal to my mom bout the baby name and including photos at the end of baby Zacian with his name and a special Christmas gift.
[**UPDATE**](https://www.reddit.com/r/tifu/comments/krqo62/tifu_update_tifu_by_accidentally_naming_my_nephew/) \- 6th January 2021
First I want to say thank you all for the support, upvotes, and awards. As a long time reddit lurker that doesn’t do a lot of post it really caught me off guard and I’m really grateful.
A lot of people asked for follow-ups, updates and such. My gf recorded my mothers reaction when we told her the story and the reddit post over the holidays. She took it well and we laughed about it. I made a 2 part tiktok video of her reaction and included some photos at the end of Baby Zacian with our xmas gift to him. (Sadly my gf stopped recording right when my mother cursed us out in a funny way)
Below are the links to the videos. Hope ya’ll enjoy.
[Tiktok 1 link thanks to u/disrespectfully1](https://www.tiktok.com/t/ZTRVG9Ahc/)
[Tiktok 2 link thanks to u/Wren1101](https://www.tiktok.com/t/ZTRVGMUQd/)
TL;DR I proposed the name Zacian from Pokemon Sword for my nephew since they wanted a unique name with a Z and the family took it seriously. My nephew is officially named after a legendary pokemon.
**Reminder - I am not the original poster.** | 2,004 | 2022-12-16T18:00:42 | TIFU by accidentally naming my nephew after a Pokémon. | REPOST | raredontstare | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/znkudy/tifu_by_accidentally_naming_my_nephew_after_a/ | false | false | [
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znlmme | #I'm not OP. This is a repost sub!
**On Wed Dec 07 2022 13:50:01 UTC /u/ProfitNext535 posted this to /r/offmychest**
https://old.reddit.com/r/offmychest/comments/zf1la4/had_a_threesome_with_my_closest_friends_and/
Warning this is a long story NSFW. Tldr at bottom
So I 26F have 2 friends Lexi 25f & Dan27m (fake names) who are a couple. I’ve been friends with them both for about 6 years, they were already dating when I met them. One day Lexi and Dan threw a party and we ran out of liquor fast. me and Dan decided to go get more liquor, on our way to the store Dan who was obviously drunk told me how attractive I’ve been looking lately and how he and Lexi wanted to ask me for a threesome but were too scared to, I shut him down obviously because the situation me and him alone like this was SUPER SUS. Later that night I told Lexi about what he said to me and she confirmed it and said that she was the one that bought it up to him because they’ve always been into threesomes and it wouldn’t be their first together.
I was speechless as she continued to tell me about how she’s always been attracted to me (she’s bi btw) and never asked me to join them before because she didn’t want to scare me off or ruin our friendship. I was completely against it at first because for one I considered myself to be straight, I’ve never been with a woman before and the thought of it made me disgusted YET curious. She told me that I didn’t have to if I didn’t want to, but my curiously ended up getting the best of me.
I agreed and she kept asking if I was sure, mind you Dan wasn’t in the room while me and her talked about this. So after everyone had left the party the 3 of us were sitting on the couch and Lexi initiated contact first, she could tell I was shy and she asked me if she could kiss me, I told her yes, now the kiss was awkward at first because I’ve never kissed a woman before but I got into it fast and I liked it, she started to undress me and eventually Dan joined us and I was honestly shocked at how big Dan was. We tried every threesome position they knew, they were gentle with me and kept telling me I can stop whenever I wanted, I told them I didn’t want to stop. And let me tell you it was the best sex I have ever had, they were both amazing. When we finished I slept on the spare bedroom and they slept together in their bed. when I woke up the next day I felt so guilty and embarrassed about it. The liquor wore off and so many thoughts were running through my head “Did Lexi mean what she said, will she be jealous that I enjoyed having sex with Dan. Will Dan not look at me as one of his best friends anymore. Why did I enjoy Lexi’s hands and mouth on my body so much. Did they even enjoy it as much as I did. And does this mean I’m bisexual now” just so many thoughts at once.
I eventually shook these thoughts away and grew the courage to leave the room, they were already up waiting for me in the kitchen. They greeted me like last night didn’t happen, we ate breakfast and had our usual banter. Lexi asked me how did I feel about last night. I stuttered and told her “it was alright” and I continued to gobble down my frosted flakes. She proceeded to say jokingly “You know you liked Dan fucking you I saw the faces you made, His dick is big isn’t it.” Cue the jealousy thoughts coming back I just knew I fucked up. I guess she noticed how uneasy I felt, and she assured me “OP it’s ok I’m not mad at you, me and Dan enjoyed it too. We can’t pretend like it didn’t happen, Come on let’s talk about it. How did we feel and what was our favorite part. I’ll go first, MY favorite part was eating you out while Dan behind me and I feel like for your first time with a woman you’re a natural.” Then Dan said his favorite part was going back and fourth hitting us both from the back while me and her kissed. When it was my turn I said “ my favorite part was when you both were eating me out together and I love how you guys made me feel comfortable.” And after we go agreed not to let this affect our friendship.
I became their threesome go to person and we began having them regularly for the next 9 months UNTIL THE DAY THEY PULLED A FULL 180 AND POPPED THE QUESTION… they invited me over and sat me down. They each took turns expressing how they grew feelings for me and ultimately agreed to ask me together if I wanted to be their girlfriend. Since we were already comfortable with each other and the threesomes were normal with us why not make it official. I was taken aback because I thought we all agreed we wouldn’t let this affect our friendship. I told them I had to think about it and left. That was 2 days ago, since then they’ve both been texting me saying this is what they were afraid of they didn’t want to scare me away and lose me. I assured them both they didn’t lose me I just needed some time to think.
Now that I’ve been alone I can’t stop thinking about during the 9 months anytime we went out clubbing or to a party I would get really jealous when I saw them dancing with someone else even though I had no right to feel that way. I guess I have grown separate feelings for them both. I really don’t want to lose either of them by telling them no, and I don’t know if I’m ready for my first polyamorous relationship.
I should add they both had their own unique way of expressing their feelings for me. Dan told me that he’s never felt this close to me these past few months as he is now and not just because of the sex but because he wants to keep me (and Lexi) safe, he doesn’t want to see me with anyone else and he wishes some nights to lay in bed with us both and just cuddle us. Lexi however said there are days when she cant stop staring at me and admiring my beauty, and she even imagine what our lives would be like with marriage and both of us being pregnant at the same time.
WHAT SHOULD I DO??????
EDIT: I forgot to mention even though we’ve been having these regular threesomes I haven’t come to full terms with my sexuality, and I don’t want to jump into a relationship with them knowing I can’t give them my all (not just my body) they deserve so much better than that.
TLDR; My friends asked me for a threesome and it became a regular thing for us, it was the best sex Ive ever had, We agreed not to let it ruin our friendship until they pulled a 180 and asked me to be their girlfriend and professed their love for me. And I’m not sure what to do about it.
*Relevant comments from OOP:*
>*The only thing is I’ve never actually cane* [sic] *out as bisexual or even accepted the possibility really and I know it sounds stupid since it’s been going on for so long and my family and other friends don’t really know yet. It’s been a secret between the three of us for now.*
In response to boundaries and interests, and pursuing the relationship
>*I do want to go for it but I haven’t come to full terms with my sexuality yet even though this has been going on for months, I don’t want to go into a relationship with them yet knowing I’m not able to give my full self to them and not just my body.*
**On Fri Dec 09 2022 04:16:46 UTC /u/ProfitNext535 posted this update to /r/offmychest**
https://old.reddit.com/r/offmychest/comments/zgmk6u/update_had_a_threesome_with_my_closest_friends/
Here’s a little update. I realized you only live once and I truly don’t care what people think about me, so here’s my coming out… I am OFFICIALLY bisexual!!! I’m smiling so hard while typing this out. And I accepted the fact that I was Bisexual before I met up with them.
Now to the real update. I invited Lexi and Dan over and they were happy to see me, and god did I miss them too, even if it was only a couple of days since I’ve seen them. The first half I did most of the talking, I followed some of you guys advice and told them everything I was feeling, the jealousy, the sexuality confusion, I just laid it all on the table. I told then that I loved them both deeply, (as friends) but I do have strong feelings for them both, I feel like the three of us are compatible, sexually and mentally. I asked them some questions and they had an answer for each one.
The conversation is still fresh so I may miss some points that were made.
Question 1: If I join this relationship and we become a Throuple, would I be here just for sex or would it be more emotional (I guess that’s best for what I was thinking)? For example: decision making, going on dates, you know where I’m getting at. Because I would hate to be a third wheel if we were to make this serious.
Lexi’s answer: “Well OP to start off the sex is great but that’s not why we asked you be our girlfriend. You make us genuinely happy, you’ve been our friend for 6 years so you’ve seen us at our best and worse times, we can both come to you separately about problems like friends, work, family and you’re always there to listen, you always put others first even when they don’t deserve it.”
Dan chimes in: “She’s right OP your compassion for others is one of your most attractive traits, and we don’t want you to feel like a third wheel we want you to be with us fully, no jealousy, no special treatments, you’ve been with us from the beginning and we honestly never even thought of asking anyone else to be a throuple with us”
Question 2: If one of us is out of town or at work and the other 2 decides they want to have sex will that be a problem, will there be jealousy involved or would we have to wait for all 3 of us to be together to have sex?
Dan: “if you 2 decide to have sex while I’m at work I wouldn’t mind at all.” (The rest of his answer is kind of fuzzy)
Lexi: “I wouldn’t mind either, being in a serious relationship does involves sex, so that wouldn’t be a problem with us, and if one of us do have a problem with it me and Dan are good with communication we’ll speak on it and hopefully you will too.”
The conversation was very long to type everything out but we also talked about boundaries. 1: no sleeping with other people outside of the throuple, make time for each other, go on dates, be adventurous, communication. I did do a lot of googling on successful throuples before we talked. But I wanted to explain to you guy’s exactly how I feel about Lexi and Dan. Lexi is sexy, kind, bold and she doesn’t take shit from anyone if she has a problem with you, you’ll know, lol. Overall she’s just an amazing person, you can never have a dull conversation with her, and I will always respect her asking me if she could kiss me for the very first time during the first threesome. I’ve never been with a woman, sexually or romantically before her and I wouldn’t wish it to be with anyone else but her, my best friend turned girlfriend. (Omg this sounds like a movie lol). Now for Dan, he is strong, protective, kind and hot (a big teddy bear) I’ve never had a male friend I could confide in the way I could confide into him, he’s a great listener, and from what I’ve seen with him and Lexi over the past 6 years is he’s very romantic. I feel safe with them, and I hope they feel safe with me too. I decided to do this with them, but we are taking it slow, I will continue to live in my apartment, and we will visit each other frequently, I’m not thinking of marriage just yet, I know Lexi bought it up before but I don’t want to think that far ahead at least not yet, And We live in The US and from my understanding that is illegal here. But we’ll figure it out in the long run.
But that’s it, we’re really doing this, and I couldn’t be happier, we have our first date planned for next Saturday, we agreed to let Dan do the planning for that. I know it sounds so cliche but I wouldn’t be suprised to be met with rose petals, a romatic dinner, champagne ect. Like I said before Dan is a serious romantic. But that’s the update.
Also a commenter said I should consider writing, and they wouldn’t be the first person to tell me that, but fortunately for me, I love nursing and helping people more. I’m currently in school to be a RN. And for the creeps that keeps dm’ing me stop asking for photos of me and Lexi and “proof” of our threesomes. Some people truly are disgusting.
#Reminder: I am not OP. This is a repost sub! | 1,496 | 2022-12-16T18:34:37 | [NSFW] OOP's friends in relationship invite them to join, become 'throuple' | CONCLUDED | swantoes | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/znlmme/nsfw_oops_friends_in_relationship_invite_them_to/ | false | false | [
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znmin6 | [removed] | 0 | 2022-12-16T19:13:46 | OOP's mother is racist to his girlfriend eventhough she's married to a man of the same race. | CONCLUDED | [deleted] | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/znmin6/oops_mother_is_racist_to_his_girlfriend/ | false | false | [
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znnrbl | **I am NOT OP. Original post by u/thr0w4w4ylife in r/amitheasshole**
---
&nbsp;
[**AITA for asking my boyfriend to charge his family member for fraud?**](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/o7nzcm/aita_for_asking_my_boyfriend_to_charge_his_family/) - 25 June 2021
Throw away account.
Backstory, I (27F) and my boyfriend (34M) have been together 5 years and have worked really hard to save for a house. 2 weeks ago we fell in love with a house and we put down an initial deposit to hold the property. (The house won’t be built until end of 2022)
We have been in talks with a mortgage broker and the builders finance people. Last week we received some shocking news when my boyfriends credit score came back as being bad. There was activity on the statement that was 100% not his and a credit card that has gone into default over the last 6 months. This credit card was originally my boyfriends but he swears he closed the account and cancelled the card mid 2019.
Long story short we discovered that a family member that was living with him a few years ago has gotten ahold of the card at some point and has been using the card on and off since 2019. They defaulted on payments in early 2020 but payed this off, then defaulted again in December of last year and the account is still in default and over $5000 is owed in charges and late fees. Charges for shopping, news agency, take away food and pubs (gambling)
My boyfriend has had zero knowledge of this as he hasn’t had access to the account after he “closed” it, and hasn’t been receiving statements or notices from the bank, the family member has diverted these to their address.
We’re now unable to successfully apply for a bank loan for our house as they won’t lend to my boyfriend with his credit the way it is. Our options are to
1. Proceed with fraud investigations and charges in the family member allowing us to prove this is of no fault of my boyfriends and successfully secure the loan.
Or
2. Boyfriend pays the debt and we wait at least 2 years from the pay off date for his credit to regain some loss.
Option 2 sets us back at lease 3 years in starting a family and our lives as home owners. This will also not allow my boyfriend to secure a bank loan to start up his own business he’s been dreaming of starting for a few years, this was the year he planned on.
This has devastated us and put a massive delay in our plans.
My boyfriend doesn’t like conflict and is going with option 2. He isn’t even planning on mentioning anything to the family member. He wants it to all go away and thinks this family member is going through a rough time.
I want my boyfriend to proceed with fraud charges and investigation. We have worked too hard to not have our dream house and him owning his own business.
So AITA for pushing my opinion on my boyfriend?
Verdict: NTA
&nbsp;
[**[UPDATE] AITA for asking my boyfriend to charge his family member for fraud?**](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/p6pptw/update_aita_for_asking_my_boyfriend_to_charge_his/) - 18 August 2021
Update:
I want to begin by thanking everyone for their advice on my original post.
There were some really constructive strategies and words of advice.
I spoke with my boyfriend about my concerns and was honest with him that things he was telling me didn’t all make sense. He was adamant he didn’t know anything about the credit card or the apparent enquiries on his credit account about pay day loans.
My boyfriend is still refusing to open any fraud investigations against his family member and has said he will pay off the debt himself.
But..
Some other things came out during our conversation that he was hiding from me.
Lying has been a big issue of his during our whole relationship. In the past I have forgiven him for his lies but I can’t keep forgiving the same issue every few months when he promises to change, but we’re in the same spot every few months.
(And I’m not talking little lies, I’m talking big lies and even bigger lies to cover up those lies) - I know I’m stupid for giving him the benefit of the doubt -
So in saying this ….
My boyfriend is now my ex boyfriend.
When I spoke with my boyfriend about my concerns *above* he ended up picking up his bag and walking out on me and drove away. That was the last time I seen him in person.
This is how this man dealt with an issue in our 5 year relationship.
We haven’t spoke much since but I have definitely resigned to the fact my relationship is over. I think he is expecting me to forgive him like all the previous times.
I have packed up his stuff and will return to him after my city comes out of our 6th lockdown.
There is a good ending to this story tho.
I spoke with my mortgage broker and the housing developers.
I can’t afford the original townhouse I fell in love with alone but a smaller townhouse that I also loved came available and I’ve been approved for this one. I paid my deposit 3 days before my birthday last month!!
I bought a house by my self!!
TLDR:
I broke up with my lying boyfriend of 5 years and celebrated by buying my own house!
Edit 1. Oh my gosh guys this update has blown up like I never through it would. I will try to get around to reading all the comments and messages I’ve received
Thank you so much for all the well wishes and congratulations!!
&nbsp;
**Reminder - I am not the original poster.** | 11,059 | 2022-12-16T20:08:40 | AITA for asking my boyfriend to charge his family member for fraud? | REPOST | toohottooheavy | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/znnrbl/aita_for_asking_my_boyfriend_to_charge_his_family/ | false | false | [
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znox3s | [removed] | 1 | 2022-12-16T20:57:51 | OPs mum is obsessed with Harry Potter. | CONCLUDED | hystericana | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/znox3s/ops_mum_is_obsessed_with_harry_potter/ | false | false | [
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znqtrs | [removed] | 1 | 2022-12-16T22:21:16 | Should OP let her husband name their baby after a serial killer? | CONCLUDED | hotfudgeunicorn | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/znqtrs/should_op_let_her_husband_name_their_baby_after_a/ | false | false | [
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znr6tm | [removed] | 1 | 2022-12-16T22:37:09 | Boyfriend used the 'used car analogy' | CONCLUDED | [deleted] | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/znr6tm/boyfriend_used_the_used_car_analogy/ | false | false | [
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znr897 |
I'm not the OOP. This was posted by u/crumb-free in r/trueoffmychest.
[Original](https://www.reddit.com/r/TrueOffMyChest/comments/qpvhtk/i_damn_near_hate_my_downstairs_neighbors_austic/) (9 Nov 2021)
**I damn near hate my downstairs neighbors austic child**
I moved in almost 6 months ago. And it's just gotten really out of control the last 2 months. I think the kids 5? Non verbal autistic.
My fucking lord. I'm fucking over it. He's constantly jumping around screaming slamming shit. It's so fucking bad we can't hang anything on the walls because of fear it'll drop due to vibrations from his tantrums.
I should be oh poor kid. But fuck that. I paid to live in this home. It's only a duplex. And I have no peace and fucking quiet. He's damn near always throwing a fucking tantrum, and if he's not? We get to listen to this kids fucking music all night long on repeat through the heat vents
Enough is fucking enough. I'm not paying my rent to constantly deal with a child screaming and jumping and whatever else the fuck he does all day and night.
I even have decent. Not great. But decent noise cancelling headphones. I can't hear it over the fucking slamming and screaming all the fucking time. The vibrations through the floor are the fucking worst.
I'm tired of feeling like I can't say shit, but it not only fucks up my day to day life, but my sleep on a regular basis. I'm fucking sick of it. All in the sake of a disabled child.
It's not fucking fair.
Edit.
Holy shit. The responses. Wow. I just wanted to vent. I didn't look at this since pretty much I posted. I'll being going through everything. I just want a peace of mind without damning my neighbors. Thanks for your responses!
Edit edit.
I started reading some. My fucking lord you're some self righteous fucks who think because you have children, everyone else should and get it.
I am a lesbian in her early 30s with no kids. The amount of you who are so self absorbed to think everyone else should suffer?
Fuck off. Like I knew I felt bad. But damn. Yall turned that right around with 'if you were a parent, you'd get our struggle'
Guess the fuck what? It's not my struggle. I chose not to have kids. Kick rocks.
Edit edit edit .
So we just found 2 German cockroaches for the first time the other night. One out of the heat, another within 15 minutes came at me from the drain when washing my hands. My neighbors are notorious for trash picking and not just bringing it on the property, but in our building in the basement. They resell for a side hustle.
I knew this day was coming. I'll do a proper update in a month or two. Long short. The main reason we moved in with these land lords was their bug policy. They fix it, or they relocate us to a reasonably same apartment for the same rent. No questions asked.
Looks like I won't have to bring the kid up anyway. And it's in the lease agreement.
Fuck my downstairs neighbors. I'm fucking livid between the kid, and now this? Hell no.
But the bug issue? That's 100% in the rental agreement. No if ands or buts about it.
[Update](https://www.reddit.com/r/TrueOffMyChest/comments/zhg9z9/i_damn_near_hate_my_downstairs_neighors_autistic/) (10 Dec 22)
**I damn near hate my downstairs neighors autistic child (Update)**
So it's been over a year.
Shit has gotten so much worse. Anytime I've had company stay over night their vehicle has been fucked up. Whether it from their side mirrors being fucked up from apparent hanging on it and the motors no longer work, to the last time the kid was allowed to play with his sand and water on my friends car hood. You can imagine the fucking damage. But this wasn't the worst situation that has happened.
Three weeks ago, my wife and I are generally asleep by 9pm, was kept awake around then by the worst metallic slamming we had ever heard. Worse than pots and pans banging in our apartment. Went on for an hour.
For the next 2 days I had the worst headaches ever. If I opened my window next to me while I worked, it's go away. You see where this is going.
Two nights later were in bed. Fell asleep before 9pm. We're woken up by slamming and our doorbell at 11pm. This is unfortunately normal with the doorbell and the slamming wasn't even as loud as the kid normally is. We assumed. A few minutes later there's a spotlight in our bedroom window lighting our room up like fucking daytime. We rush and throw clothes on.
I walked out of my mother fucking bedroom and BUMP INTO A FUCKING FIREMAN! I am on the 3rd floor as our basement is ground level. Also. My windowsill and wall got totally fucked up from him coming in my window. Huge chuck taken out, cracks and dents in my wall now.
Needless to say. It scared the living fuck out of us.
There was a gasleak in my downstairs neighbors apartment with their CO2 meters reading crazy high at our apartment door. It sent an auto response (whatever the fuck you want to call it) to our fire department. They had to be evacuated. Their gas had to be shut off from a gas leak in their stove (shocker). As soon as they stepped into our apartment the C02 readings dropped. We keep a window cracked always and a towel under our front door to keep our air in. They always leave the building door open and it pulls the hot/cold air out.
The next day they're getting their stoves replaced. A few days later after maintenance comes to make sure everything is up to code. I asked what happened 'oh just a gas leak, we took care of it'. They were then here several days in a row working on their apartment. Getting it to code. Code is basic shit like smoke detectors, water pressure, leaks.
While here I asked them 'Did you see what the fireman did to my wall and window sill?'
Nope. No idea a fireman came through my window. I think this is a big fucking deal. Call me crazy.
Neighbors played it down like no big deal. Maintance guy was just stunned. And I mentioned and let him hear the video clip from the night that banging happened (fuck yes I record everything)
He proceeded to explain about the mass water damage from their damaged tub they've fixed several times now that leaks into our basement, and the generally state of the property.
They also acknowledged there's now a rodent and bug problem. This didn't exist 6 months ago. They trash pick for a living. Store it in the building. For fucks sake. We're in suburbia and they trash picked a fucking chicken coop into our shared property. Who fucking does that. Let alone furniture stored in our shared basement.
End of story. They're officially getting evicted. Between the constant maintenance requests for legitimate problems, loss of property value, now this with the stove. They were already prepared to move us due to how disruptive the kid was. This was the icing on the shit cake.
We are also offered a different but better duplex for the same rent. I'm unsure if we'll take them up on it. I love our kitchen. And genuinely like our home. Its them the problem.
We'll see what's next. But I expect a shit storm when they get their official eviction notice on Monday. But God damn. Am I not happy this is all coming to a close.
**Reminder - I'm not the OOP** | 4,104 | 2022-12-16T22:38:56 | OOP damn near hates her neighbour's autistic child + 1 year update. | ONGOING | prettiergenghis | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/znr897/oop_damn_near_hates_her_neighbours_autistic_child/ | false | false | [
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zns3dk | **I am NOT OP. Original post by u/force_queen in r/trueoffmychest**
---
&nbsp;
[**Boyfriend used the 'used car analogy'**](https://www.reddit.com/r/TrueOffMyChest/comments/zghzbw/boyfriend_used_the_used_car_analogy/) - 9 December 2022
Me (24F) and my bf (22m) have been together for almost a year now.
When we got together, he told me that he was a virgin, which is totally fine with me. I told him, I wasn't. That was the end of the conversation for a while.
But whenever I mention an ex, or someone I used to sleep with, he gets uncomfortable and doesn't want to hear that. He has told me, he doesn't like hearing about my sexual past, and I respect that.
Here is the thing thats been bothering me, the topic of past relations came up, and he asked me with how many men I've been with, before him. I said, around 5 or 6. And he was kind of relieved. I asked why, and he said that if it was more than 10 men, he would reconsider our relationship, because it mattered to him with how many men I've slept, before I even knew him.
And he was going on, how there were studies showing that most men, thought the same. And how men were very territorial, and he then explained it to me, by using the used car analogy...
(If a car is being passed down from owner to owner, you wouldn't want to have it anymore, because you dont know where its been and its been used so much.)
I was speechless and couldnt help but laugh akwardly.
I talked about it with some of my guy friends, and they were equally confused. Truth be told, those friends do not really like him, for his political views. (Those friends are mostly American, and me and bf are Dutch).
I have not talked about it again with my bf, I’m not scared that he will get angry, but I am scared that this will cause a rift between us. I dont want to lose him, he is a very sweet and caring man. And I love him very much... Another reason why I haven’t talked to him about this yet, is we only see each other on the weekends. We call on Discord, but I’d rather have this conversation face to face.
I don’t know what will happen, and I’m a bit scared...
**UPDATE:**
I have talked with my bf about it. He didn’t mean it towards me personally, he never wanted me to feel that way. The reason he used the 'car analogy', was because he was trying to explain the point he had. With something most people can relate to.
I also explained to him, that it fucking sucks and hurts my feelings (and others) when compared to a object. He didn’t really realise I felt that way.
When we had that conversation in the car, I was so shocked that he said that. That I couldn’t listen to him anymore about the topic, and he was kind of sad about that. He couldnt completely explain his point, because I stopped really listening. And we changed the topic at that point.
He loves discussing and debating about things important to him, and Im the worst debater ever. Because of some things that happened in my childhood, I recently explained that better to him. And he understands it more, I've told him that this is a learning process for me. To be able to defend my argument without going into a full on fight, or shut down.
Thanks for the people who commented on this, and showing me how some male brains work. And how this can really divide a group of people.
&nbsp;
**Reminder - I am not the original poster.** | 4,343 | 2022-12-16T23:17:40 | OOP's boyfriend compares her to a used car | CONCLUDED | toohottooheavy | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/zns3dk/oops_boyfriend_compares_her_to_a_used_car/ | false | false | [
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znu6sd | [removed] | 1 | 2022-12-17T00:57:58 | Found out my bestfriend's gf is hitting on my fiance. I don't know how to bring this up with them. | REPOST | [deleted] | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/znu6sd/found_out_my_bestfriends_gf_is_hitting_on_my/ | false | false | [
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znuvz3 | [removed] | 1 | 2022-12-17T01:33:31 | OP's mom is in a relationship with his high school bully. | CONCLUDED | QuestionPowerful7 | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/znuvz3/ops_mom_is_in_a_relationship_with_his_high_school/ | false | false | [
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znv4v7 | **I am NOT OP. Original post by u/antisocial113 in r/relationship_advice**
---
&nbsp;
[**Found out my bestfriend's gf is hitting on my fiance. I don't know how to bring this up with them.**](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/rg5524/found_out_my_bestfriends_gf_is_hitting_on_my/) - 14 December 2021
On mobile. Excuse the formatting issues.
My fiance(M28) and I(F26) have a beach vacation coming up. It was supposed to be us, my sister and her husband. Circumstances changed and they won't be joining us. But their tickets are non refundable do we decided to invite my bil's brother N(M27) (who has also been my best friend since we were toddlers) and his gf K(F27). We are all very close and hangout almost every week.
We all have a group chat for the trip and K and I discuss girly stuffs privately. Last week K sent my SO some lingerie and bikni pics asking for his suggestion in his private chat. SO assumed she sent it to him accidentally instead of me and told her that. To which she said she wanted a "man's" opinion and my SO said he didn't really have any opinion and she should ask me or her bf. He then showed me the messages when we both got home from work . We both thought it was weird and just moved past it. ( Side note. She never sent me anything asking for my opinion even though a couple days later I asked for her opinion on some dresses)
On sunday N & K came to our house for dinner and to discuss our upcoming trip. Everything went great. I got a video call from my sis and bil and I was talking to them in the balcony and N came to say hi to his brother. According to my SO when N left the room K brought up the pics and was asking him his opinion and even showed him pics of her in lingerie and some of them were VERY revealing. SO was cornered by her in the kitchen where he was clearing up some dishes. I called him from the balcony to participate in the VC since my sis had some news. This was when he was able to get away from her. If it's relevant, she was a bit drunk.
My SO told me this after they left. I was (am) pissed at her. We both felt like all this happened too fast and there wasn't really any other signs. He also asked me to look through their chat to see if he was oblivious to her or something. There wasn't really much correspondence between them except the occasional confirming of plans.
I don't really know how to approach this with N & K. I don't really want her on this trip if she's going to act like this and also SO is not at all comfortable with the idea. N is like a brother to me. I love him. I don't want this to destroy our friendship. Also given the situation he deserves a lot better.
So reddit, what should I do?
Tldr: bestfriend's gf is hitting on my SO. We have a vacation trip coming up.i don't know how to bring this up with them while also protecting my friendship.
&nbsp;
[**(Update) Found out my bestfriend's gf is hitting on my fiance.**](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/rhpmzm/update_found_out_my_bestfriends_gf_is_hitting_on/) - 16 December 2021
I think this is how you update and link posts. I hope it works. Some of you wanted an update. So here it goes.
My fiance and I took the afternoon off work to meet with N (bestfriend) for lunch yesterday. SO was running a bit late so I reached the restaurant first. N & I were catching up and he talked about how he misses hanging out just the two of us like when we were younger. I felt a bit guilty lying to him so I told him SO was joining in sometime as well.
He started thanking me for inviting him on the trip. Apparently due to their conflicting schedules N and K weren't spending much time together and their relationship was tense. He said that this trip would be the best thing for them and he was really excited. SO arrived at the tail end of this conversation and I felt so so sad for N. I was almost ready to forego the confrontation altogether.
We basically apologized to him and I told him that SO had something to say. SO told him about the messages and what happened in the kitchen. N was in disbelief?shock? But he was very quiet. He asked if we had the messages and SO showed him. Then N said "now it makes sense".
We were confused and asked what he was talking about. Apparently when they left K was pretty drunk and whole drive home K was mumbling things like nobody wants me/likes me/loves me etc. And the last couple days after the incident she was acting strange the little time they spent together.
We told him we are there for him obviously whatever he decides but that we don't feel comfortable having K on the trip but he is still welcome. He said he would be talking to K and letting us know but they won't be joining us on the trip.
Tonight before work N stopped by our house and told us that he broke up with K. He said he found some things but wasn't ready to talk about it yet. Since they used to live together she couldn't move out anywhere immediately so N will be staying at our place for a while. Also both SO and I got an apology text from K.
So I guess that's it. We are not really in the mood now for the trip but maybe it would be a good way to put this all behind. It might be selfish but I am just grateful that N & I's friendship is still going strong and that he trusts us to help him through the shit he's going through.
Thank you to everyone for their advice.
&nbsp;
**Reminder - I am not the original poster.** | 9,299 | 2022-12-17T01:46:35 | Found out my bestfriend's gf is hitting on my fiance. I don't know how to bring this up with them. | REPOST | toohottooheavy | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/znv4v7/found_out_my_bestfriends_gf_is_hitting_on_my/ | false | false | [
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znzejj | [removed] | 1 | 2022-12-17T05:50:03 | AITA for refusing to pay my cousin's hospital bill? | CONCLUDED | [deleted] | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/znzejj/aita_for_refusing_to_pay_my_cousins_hospital_bill/ | false | false | [
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zo0snt | [removed] | 1 | 2022-12-17T07:18:31 | AITA for not going to my sister's "child-free" wedding? | CONCLUDED | minnieboss | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/zo0snt/aita_for_not_going_to_my_sisters_childfree_wedding/ | false | false | [
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zo2p80 | [removed] | 0 | 2022-12-17T09:31:00 | Neglectful moron alienates his daughter by trying to play dad | ONGOING | Buff_Helpy69 | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/zo2p80/neglectful_moron_alienates_his_daughter_by_trying/ | false | false | [
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zo42ct | [removed] | 1 | 2022-12-17T11:05:28 | I found out I have a daughter who thinks I was her mother's rapist. It wasn't rape. What next? | CONCLUDED | Dragonara7 | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/zo42ct/i_found_out_i_have_a_daughter_who_thinks_i_was/ | false | false | [
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zo5lm8 | I'm not the OOP. This was posted by u/seekinghelpcandy in r/nonmonogamy.
[Original](https://www.reddit.com/r/nonmonogamy/comments/zacfd0/husband_feels_inferior_to_my_bull/) (2 Dec 22)
**Husband feels inferior to my bull**
This is not my usual account. My husband knows my account and he is on Reddit a lot. My husband (35M) told me (33F) about his hotwife kink about 5 years ago. He made it very clear it was hotwife, not cuckolding, he had no interest in humiliation or anything like that...just seeing me having sex.
I thought it was really hot so we started doing it. We've had several bulls since. We always meet them together and our first time or two is always a threesome with my husband, the bull and I. About three months ago, we had a first sex date with a new bull. After drinks they took me to the bedroom and both started kissing my neck and removing my dress. After a bit of fooling around with the both of them, I started to give the bull some solo attention.
After some head, he put me on the bed and started to give me some attention. Oh, my, god. It was the best sex I'd ever had. I came so many times and several times I came so hard my entire body was literally shaking. After we were finished I told him just how great he was, and that no one had ever made me cum like that.
That's when I herd the door slam and I realized I'd completely forgotten about my husband. I ran out and tried to talk to him but he pulled away and just said he'd be in the car. When we got home from a very silent and uncomfortable car ride he grabbed a pillow and blanket and went to the basement.
The next day we tried to talk it out, but I could tell he was still really upset. Finally after a month we had sex again. It didn't feel right. After a long talk, he said he wanted to give me the kind of pleasure that the bull had.
We had another couple of awkward sex sessions so I tried to fake it, hoping I could snap him out of his funk. He knew I faked it and it really upset him. We've barely spoken since. I try to talk to him, but he seems very cold toward me. What do I do. I didn't mean to hurt him. I don't want him any less than I ever did. I just don't know what to do.
[Update](https://www.reddit.com/r/nonmonogamy/comments/zh7tzz/update_my_husbands_reason_he_is_upset_with_me/) (10 Dec 22)
**Update: My husband's reason he is upset with me made me...Angry.**
Several days ago I posted because I felt I made a mistake that hurt my husband. I had been drinking and we had a threesome with a guy. Well, the guy was amazing. Unfortunately he blew my circuits and I kinda forgot about my husband. You can go back and look at the post if you want the long details.
Well, I finally got him to sit down and talk so we could work things out. I explained how terrible I felt about how things had happened, that despite how great he was in bed, that it would never make me dissatisfied with him, that nothing could ever come close to everything else we have together. He was just silent. He wasn't responding so I exasperatedly pushed him to talk tome me about it. He finally broke and started on an angry tirade. It was me asking why he wanted me to do it that he finally spoke. He almost yelled that this was supposed to be him showing me off, showing other guys what he had, that they couldn't. I was shocked, I was like, wait I'm not supposed to get off. I again tried to explain that me getting off didn't mean I didn't love him or that he wasn't satisfying me. This time he did yell. He said something like I watched you, I saw how he made you cum. You've never cum like that with me. If you really loved me there's no way another man could do that to you. Then he went off again about how he was supposed to be showing other guys what was his that they couldn't have, and that since I loved it so much, they obviously could have it.
That's when I realized, I was just some trophy or prize he was trying to lord over other men. I've never felt so much like just a piece of meat. This whole time I thought I'd hurt him by betraying him in some way, but no, he's just mad that his ego got bruised because he thought "his" prize could be someone else's. I thought we were doing something we were both supposed to get off on, but I now know, I was never supposed to enjoy it. I'm not sure what to do with this. He has NEVER acted like he could ever think of me in such a degrading way. Am I overreacting?
**Reminder - I'm not the OOP** | 3,948 | 2022-12-17T12:46:47 | OOP and her husband's threesome doesn't go as planned. | ONGOING | prettiergenghis | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/zo5lm8/oop_and_her_husbands_threesome_doesnt_go_as/ | false | false | [
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zo5sm1 | **I am NOT OP. Original posts from r/AITA**
These two AITA posts are snapshots of a larger story. I think they’re both interesting on their own, and each influences how I feel about the other.
I’ve done some minor editing in the posts, adding line breaks and such along with a number of comments.
No particular trigger warnings, but tell me if I’m wrong about that. I’ll add warnings if that’s needed.
mood spoilers: >!Uncertain. OOP seems more hopeful than I am.!<
---
&nbsp;
[AITA for not allowing my stepdaughter over for a while?](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/tocx2m/deleted_by_user/i2582ur/) - Eight months ago - Link is to the automod summary, as the post is deleted.
&nbsp;
Background\* I have two stepdaughters (13 & 17). I love them both but the 13yo and I just don’t get along. She’s very mouthy, thinks house rules do not apply to her, never cleans up after herself, and she is such a bully to her older sister. My best friend came from across the county to visit me and she was around my stepdaughter for 3 hours and was already irritated with her. That’s how overwhelming she can be.
My hubby turns a blind eye to her behavior because he just wants to be the “fun” dad. He feels like because they don’t come over a lot, when they do it should be fun fun fun and no boundaries. I never really pushed the issue with her, when she’s over I’d just avoid her as much as possible for the sake of having peace. Her disrespect was never directed at me so I just left it alone or I’d mention it to my hubby and he’d just tell me she’s just playing or she didn’t mean it like that.
This past weekend, apparently I sent her home crying because she tried to be disrespectful to me and I snapped back at her after holding it in for almost a year and basically told her she’s not going to talk to me any kind of way and if she’s going to come over she needs to learn how to be respectful like the rest of the children in the home. My oldest SD jumped in telling SD13 to stop being disrespectful and calm down and she went into her bully ways and yelling at her and just making a huge scene.
So I put my foot down with hubby and told him, he needs to do his visitation her at her home for a while because I can’t take another weekend of pure hell from her. Every week it gets worse because he won’t correct her.
We got a text from BM saying I made her cry and I was out of line for yelling at her and she doesn’t want to come back over. In my head I’m relieved I get a break from her and then the other side of my feels like TA for not walking away and letting her dad handle it but then again, his way of handling it is coddling her and telling her everything is going to be okay. Everyone else would be at fault but her.
In a nutshell, the whole thing was over me not letting my SD17 drive them to Dunkin’ Donuts at 8pm. She thought throwing a tantrum would make me say yes.
AITA for making hubby go to their house for visitation until her behavior is corrected? My SD17 still comes over because she wants too.
&nbsp;
Verdict: ESH, with NTA a strong second.
&nbsp;
Some comments by OOP in that post that add context:
&nbsp;
[OOP, on her younger stepdaughter](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/tocx2m/deleted_by_user/i25dnjt/):
> She has a sense of entitlement about her that irks me lol Mainly because she’s my husbands golden child (she’s the only biological girl of his, his other is adopted by him).
> When I came into the picture I pointed out to him that he shows a lot of favoritism to her. He’s gotten a lot better at hiding it but it created a monster in her. She follows no rules in this house and never has. She told my husband to his face she does what she wants because he doesn’t care lol
> Don’t get me wrong she’s a typical teenager so I know this comes with the territory but she two parents who think her behavior is cute and her mom loves that it drives me nuts.
&nbsp;
Commenter:
> May I ask why would you stay in this relationship because I really don't see your husband changing the way he is now with his daughter nor do I see her changing. I'm not being mean or anything but why put up with it
[OOP](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/tocx2m/deleted_by_user/i25ft9i/):
> I was going through nursing school and we have a 1 year old together. So leaving at the time wasn’t an option but I graduated and I can afford to leave with my kiddos. This was my final straw and hopefully he sees that I am seriously over her behavior and it needs to change or I’m leaving.
&nbsp;
[OOP](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/tocx2m/deleted_by_user/i25gg8q/):
> I’m in my 20s for one. Two, when we got together his children lived in another state so I didn’t officially meet them in person until 3 years into our relationship. So no I didn’t know what I was getting into. I knew he was a very involved father but I didn’t know he was allowing all of this.
&nbsp;
Commenter:
> Now don't shoot me but your SD is of your husband's makings as well as her bio mom. The real person that needs to change is your husband it's not SD that really needs all the blame here her bio parents your husband and his ex is by far more responsible because of how they are with her
[OOP](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/tocx2m/deleted_by_user/i25gqm2/):
> Yes, I agree with that statement. In order for him to change, he has to recognize the issue. Their dynamic is not of a parent and child. They have a friendship dynamic and he doesn’t realize it.
&nbsp;
[OOP, asked if there was an age gap in her marriage](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/tocx2m/deleted_by_user/i25jvqg/):
> Yes, there is a 10 year age gap. I’m 28 and [my husband is] 38
&nbsp;
[OOP](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/tocx2m/deleted_by_user/i25uf14/):
> I don’t want to abandon any child. Im all for staying in my marriage if my spouse put his child in her place so we can all live in harmony again.
> But if you’re wondering if I’ll choose my peace over my SD…..my peace. Sorry not sorry. I love them dearly but I love me more
&nbsp;
Commenter:
> That is reasonable, you can chose you. But as a father your husband needs to chose his child, not his wife. If you are not prepared for him to chose his kid over you, you should walk away. He has an obligation to his daughter. You divorce wives, not children. She has to come first and in the end, if he is really as involved as you said, she will. Are you prepared for when he does?
[OOP](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/tocx2m/deleted_by_user/i25v9tp/):
> If you’ve read my other comments, I’ve already said he can choose her.
> However, my personal opinion is i will always prioritize my spouse over my kids. Both are important and I will never starve my kids for the sake of my husband having the last bite of food but our kids grow up and leave. Your spouse is with you for life. Sure he can divorce me but when his daughter grows up and finds her a husband, you think she’s going to prioritize her dad? No and at the point he will realize he shouldn’t allowed his child to come between him and his wife.
> I don’t have these issues with my bio kids but my kids are taught to respect all adults.
&nbsp;
[OOP, on her younger stepdaughter](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/tocx2m/deleted_by_user/i26oyge/):
> She loves comes over because she likes to spend time with her siblings she doesn’t see everyday. She comes over because we don’t just sit in the house every weekend and be boring. She comes over because she and I have a great relationship . My SD13 and I didn’t have a terrible relationship prior to this argument. Everyone is taking my “I avoid her” comment way too far. I avoid her when she start exhibiting bad behavior because if I deal with it it will stir up a lot of drama with her mother. That’s an uphill battle I’m not willing to fight.
&nbsp;
Commenter:
> Could it be that she has trauma and resentment from the divorce?
> She hasn't seen her father in 3 years or more. Maybe there's some jealousy too?
> What did you husband tell you about visitation outside of the home?
[OOP](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/tocx2m/deleted_by_user/i274yay/):
> I don’t think so. He’s been in the military her whole life shes use to him not around for long periods at a time. There divorce was somewhat civil and the kids were well prepared before it even happened.
> It could be though but I’m not picking up the vibes that that’s the reason. I think her behavior is simply because she allowed too. I’ve had conversations with her and she’s always jokingly said her dad doesn’t care. So that’s her way of telling me she’s doing it because she can.
&nbsp;
The second post:
[AITA for giving away my step kids Disney tickets away?](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/zg70sn/aita_for_giving_away_my_step_kids_disney_tickets/) - Eight days ago, Friday December 9^th 2022
&nbsp;
Two months ago I told my oldest SD18 I needed to her request this weekend off because we were celebrating our Xmas and the boys birthdays. I even texted their mother and made arrangements for my youngest SD14 and she act like she was on board with it. We have this ongoing issue with my step kids about them only coming over when we are doing something fun, every time we try to get them and just spend time with them at the house they make up every excuse in the book why they cannot come.
I purposely did not tell them or my kids what the plans were this weekend. SD18 couldn’t get off of work so I told her it’s cool we will do something for her later on, no big deal in understand how it is working retail during the holidays.
Today I texted their mother to confirm if SD14 were coming over tomorrow and she said SD14 had a long week and was really emotional and did not want to go to our house without her older sister (total BS, she doesn’t even like her sister like that and she’s been to our house plenty of times without her sister) just another excuse on why she cannot come.
Mind you, it’s my hubby court ordered weekend with her anyways. We don’t make her come over so we just get her whenever she wants to come over. So I texted their mom back and said “no big deal, we will do something else with them another time” So SD18 texted me a little while ago asking what were doing and told her we are spending the weekend at Disney and another event. I told her so she wouldn’t be surprised when photos are posted this weekend
Now all of she wants to call out of work and my other SD14 wants to come without her sister now lol I told them “I’m sorry I gave the boys friends those tickets because y’all didn’t want to come over” (I really did) so now they are pissed off and apart of me doesn’t feel bad for SD14.
SD18 is understandable because she actually has a good excuse but I do not want her calling out because she’s on the verge of getting fired already for her attendance. Hubby wants to cave in and let her come but I don’t want too because I’m over her only wanting to see us when we’re spending money on her.
I want this too be a lesson to SD14 and he doesn’t see it that way. I gave her an opportunity to come and she didn’t want too sooooo…..🤷🏽♀️
AITA?
ETA: before anyone says I’m being unfair to my SK, I treat my BIO kids the same way. My oldest had his fair share of missing out on events. He knows better now lol when I say get in the car and let’s go, don’t question it 😂 just get in
ETA: it’s not a game I’m playing. Over the years I just got tired of feeling used. The only time they want to come over is when we’re doing something or they want something. That’s why I stopped telling them what we were doing.
My husband is cheap and doesn’t care for fun things. I plan and pay for just about everything we do that’s “fun” we all have a good relationship and they are growing older and they rather be with friends so we are trying to give them the space to do that but before SD18 got a job, we would try to plan things with them, my kids included, and it just became a “can we go here instead” and complaining about everything so that’s why now if I want to do something I don’t tell them plans, I just ask them if they are coming and if they don’t then they stay home. All of the kids are in different age groups so I try to plan things for each child and invite the others but that’s been extremely difficult because of the complaining.
&nbsp;
Verdict: NTA.
&nbsp;
Two comments with answers by OOP adding important clarifying information:
&nbsp;
Commenter:
> INFO: who purchased the tickets for the girls?
[OOP](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/zg70sn/aita_for_giving_away_my_step_kids_disney_tickets/izg89xr/):
> Me
&nbsp;
Commenter, retrieved via Unddit:
> [quoting OOP] has a good excuse but I do not want her calling out because she’s on the verge of getting fired already for her attendance.
> Then why did you even plan for SD18 to go on a trip with you that would need her to call of work at all.
[OOP](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/zg70sn/aita_for_giving_away_my_step_kids_disney_tickets/izggtb5/):
> I asked her to request off, not call off. Which is why I gave her two month notice
&nbsp;
A final update to the second post, a summary of where things are and the last we’ve heard from OOP. It was made as an edit to the second linked post, but it felt worth separating out:
&nbsp;
Update: a lot of people are talking about my previous post and think I “have it out for SD14” I don’t.
We had issues blending and most of our issues was rooted from BIO mom feeding the kids lies. Hubby went to spend time with SD14 during the “kicked out” period and he had a talk with her about her behavior (FINALLY) after he realized that I was fed up with it and was willing to break apart the whole family if he could not put his foot down with her and BIO moms BS.
He also submitted screenshots to his lawyer from SD14 phone while she was texting her mom and mom encouraging her to be rude towards me. The lawyer contacted hers and they had it out. BIO mom agreed to stop speaking negatively about me to the children otherwise we were going to file contempt and since then her attitude has been 1000000% better.
I also think her mother is getting over her bitter feelings towards me because I was able to coordinate this trip with her without it being a bloodbath (the reason I asked her instead of hubby was because he would wait until the last min to ask and I needed to buy tickets, etc) Also, I think she realized she and my hubby created a monster because for a period of time she wanted her to come to live with us because she couldn’t handle her attitude and they were fighting a lot.
But all and all, we are in a better place now. When she does come around the way she treats her older sister isn’t that bad anymore. We both apologized to each other but I also stood firm on the consequences of her being disrespectful towards anyone in the home.
Now that my hubby is actually backing me up and she realized that we are the same page it hasn’t been an issue. She does have some other behaviors that bother me but I’m learning to pick and choose my battles. She doesn’t like coming over because there isn’t much to do. We live in the country and she’s a city girl 🤦🏽♀️
&nbsp;
**Reminder - I am not the original poster.**
A note, speaking for myself: You can find a wall of text I commented in the second thread. I still feel conflicted about these posts, and I’m not sure I stand by all of it.
Edit: Added the AITA verdicts. | 2,834 | 2022-12-17T12:59:20 | OOP and her stepchildren, a tale told in two AITA posts | INCONCLUSIVE | My_Dramatic_Persona | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/zo5sm1/oop_and_her_stepchildren_a_tale_told_in_two_aita/ | false | false | [
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zo7ic4 | *\*\*I am NOT OOP. Original post by* [*u/Spirited-Passage5477*](https://www.reddit.com/user/Spirited-Passage5477/) *in* [*r/TrueOffMyChest*](https://www.reddit.com/r/TrueOffMyChest/) *and* *some revenge subs*
&#x200B;
*\*\*Original Post and update in the same link. The same post was made in different subs, one reproduced below is more detailed. Link to one other post:* [*LINK - NuclearRevenge*](https://www.reddit.com/r/NuclearRevenge/comments/zf3za4/use_me_cheat_on_me_enjoy_losing_your_friends_and/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3) *(rest were removed, or reproduced but no engagement)*
&#x200B;
*Trigger warnings:* >!Infidelity, vandalism!<
&#x200B;
# I hate people that lie about they're sexuality [[LINK - TrueOffMyChest](https://www.reddit.com/r/TrueOffMyChest/comments/zf3q79/i_hate_people_that_lie_about_theyre_sexuality/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3)] - December 07, 2022
&#x200B;
I just found out 2 days ago that my boyfriend of 4 years is gay. Our relationship was a lie. He used me to cover his sexuality because he wasn't ready to expose himself (he told me that himself). He pretended to love me for 4 years. He acted like the perfect boyfriend for 4 years. We were discussing marriage and kids. He even took me to looking at engagement rings..... All while he was having an affair with a man.
To top all that, his boy toy called me 2 hours after i walked in on them. Why? To tell me that he was bi and we could all just be together... Are you kidding me? Idk he was making fun of me or if he was really stupid enough to think that was a good idea. But yeah.
If you're gay but act straight i f'ing hate you.
What's worse is that my family believes i should have been nicer to him because "gay people have it rough enough already". So because he's gay then i can't be mad? I can't be angry? I need to be nicer? To him? F this.
&#x200B;
*Some comments (from both posts):*
>[*(NuclearRevenge)*](https://www.reddit.com/r/NuclearRevenge/comments/zf3za4/comment/iza2r13/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3) I actually thought about it this past days. Part of the "how did i not notice" rush of thoughts i had. So, he didn't really like having to touch my 🐈 but i didn't think much of it since there's straight guys that are happy with eating out a girl . If he was repulsed by it idk. He didn't show it. I will say that he would constantly ask if we could do an\*l but again many people want to try this so it wasn't a red flag at that time. He wasn't bad at and he did try to make me orgasm. His sex drive was pretty low but once again it's not uncommon to have a low sex drive. He wasn't very happy with position in wich he could see my face so now that makes sense.
>
>[*(TrueOffMyChest)*](https://www.reddit.com/r/TrueOffMyChest/comments/zf3q79/comment/izaad0f/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3) He always knew he was gay. I wasn't something he discovered while being with me and he admitted that he was only with me to covered up he was gay. On top of that he cheated. If would have sat me down and told me he found out he was gay and wanted to end things i would have any issues with him. But lied to me for 4 years. He lied about loving me. He pretend he wanted to marry me and have kids with me. Add the cheating to that as well.
>
>[*(TrueOffMyChest)*](https://www.reddit.com/r/TrueOffMyChest/comments/zf3q79/comment/izas51z/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3) He always knew he was gay. He admitted he used me for cover. He wasn't attracted to me. He never initiated any sexual activity and we did have sex he didn't like touching me and his fav positions were positions in wich my face wasn't visible. He never wasn't attracted to me at all. Again he admitted he knew he was gay from the start and dated me to cover that in the public eye
>
>[*(TrueOffMyChest)*](https://www.reddit.com/r/TrueOffMyChest/comments/zf3q79/comment/izab4yh/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3)
>
>>when he figured it out.
>
>He always knew.
>
>>Why did he lie?
>
>He said he wasn't ready to be publicly gay
>
>>Was it because he didn't want to lose all his friends for being gay? Because his family would shun him all kinds of ways? B
>
>His friends and family members are advocating for gay rights. His cousin is lesbian. 2 guys in his friend group are bi and 1 in trans so this isn't the case
&#x200B;
# 1st Update / Edit in the same post:
Edit to add some extra info: After his boy toy called i texted my now ex if he was seriously making fun of me and he just said that it wouldn't be a bad idea. So i lost it. His mom and i were very close so i texted her a lengthy message explaining what happened and i told her that i can't stay in contact with her at least not for the time being. She was shocked but understanding of why i need to go NC.
Well, his parents disowned him. Not for being gay but because of what he did to me.
The idiot went on social media to complain that his parents disowned him for being gay but multiple family members commented and exposed him for the shitty human being that he is. Some of his co workers had him on fb and Tik Tok and they saw everything and now no one at work talks to him because of what he did to me.
His friends were disgusted when they found out. His friends always liked me and they're also really big on monogamy so they didn't want to be friends after they learned the truth.
He needs to move out because we lived together and now he can't afford rent on his own but his budget is very tight so he doesn't have many options.
AND! They "broke up". My ex had a fit when his mom called him. In retaliation he broke the TV, my laptop, cut some of the clothes i still had at the apartment and smashed the coffee machine. So yeah, his boy toy didn't like his outburst and he cut all ties with him
&#x200B;
# 2nd Update / Edit in the same post:
Update: I want to start by saying i wrote this post in a state of anger and i was too emotional to realize how bad it sounded. I do not hate gay people. I have no problems with the community. I'm sorry if i came off as a homophobic bitch. I really am not. I was just emotional so i will like to apologize. I understand the community is going thru a lot and i didn't want to come out as insensitive. So I'm sorry.
Now the actual update. I received some comments and PMs from people that advised me to get a restraining order and make sure he can't find me , i unfortunately didn't consider them enough and as some predicated he followed me from my bff's place to the grocery store and he trashed my car. I'm talking slashed tires, broken widows and what i think it's oil all over my car. Thankfully the parking lot has cameras and the police identified him in no time.
He was arrested. I am definitely filling for a restraining order and I'm looking to move to a different city. I will have to see him again in the court room tho. Also, his ex boy toy agreed to testify that he witness my ex breaking my things at the apartment. My ex is also going to be examined by a professional due to his actions it appears he may be suffering from some mental illnesses.
I've contacted his parents and they are in shock but they still refuse to have any contact with him.
Lastly, thank you for the support and to the people that shared similar stories, I'm sorry you've experienced that but also thank you because somehow knowing I'm not the only one that's experiencing this really helps.
A lot of people have advised me to see a therapist to help with the trauma and i will do that.
And of courses, to the people that used the gay card as a way to justify his actions i want to know if you would feel the same if he saw straight. He lied and manipulated me for 4 years. He cheated on me. He pretended to love me and want a family with me. He had no problem admitting he used me as a cover up. He thought is would be ok to suggest we (me, my ex and his lover) just date each other. He destroyed my belongings. You can't justify this by saying he's gay. So y'all can go shake hands with my parents. Be aware of the 7 years old German shepherd tho. He doesn't like strangers.
Btw those that claim my story is fake i suggest you look in the comments to see how many other people have shared similar experiences.
Oh and please don't ever suggest to someone to have a relationship with their cheating exs and the affair partner. Really not cool. Idk how can someone think it's ok to suggest his boy toys proposal was something to actually consider.
I am going to get tested for STDs tomorrow!
I put this in comments but I'm going to write it here too: his family and friends are advocating for gay rights so he wasn't hiding from them!
Thank you for reading this.
Edit: PLEASE STOP ASKING IF I'M LOOKING FOR A NEW BOYFRIEND!
&#x200B;
*\*\*Reminder - I am not the original poster* | 3,316 | 2022-12-17T14:33:28 | OOP's boyfriend of 4 years is gay and she found out her relationship is a lie | CONCLUDED | ShakeThatTushy | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/zo7ic4/oops_boyfriend_of_4_years_is_gay_and_she_found/ | false | false | [
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zo7rhq | *\*\*I am NOT OOP. Original post by* [*u/Character\_Bed\_1205*](https://www.reddit.com/user/Character_Bed_1205/) *in* [*r/AmItheAsshole*](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/)
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# AITA for introducing my boyfriend's parents as "Grandma and Grandpa" to my son? [[LINK - AITA](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/z64yd5/aita_for_introducing_my_boyfriends_parents_as/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3)] - November 27, 2022
&#x200B;
This last Thursday I (29 F) went over to my boyfriend "Jay's" (25 M) house for thanksgiving and brought my son (4) with me. I and Jay have been together for a year and a half now, and he is the most amazing man in the world. He's been amazing with my son (his bio father is not in his life) and I can genuinely see him as "the one". Jay's parents came over as well. It's not that I don't get along with them, it's just I have only ever seen them 3 times before this thanksgiving. I have not had any time to really bond with them I guess. They had never met my son in person either, but they both knew about him.
By the time I arrived Jay's parents were already there and helping him finish up dinner. We greeted each other and Jay's dad asked "And who's this little guy." I introduced them to my son and then introduced Jay's parents as "Grandma and Grandpa" to my precious boy. I didn't notice at the time, but all three of them became quiet almost immediately. I ended up waiting in the living room alone for almost half an hour before dinner and things just were incredibly awkward for the rest of the night. My son did end up calling his parents by grandpa and grandma and I quickly noticed both of them would be very disingenuous and awkward about it over dinner but they did not say anything to me about it. They didn't stick around for long after either but when they left both were very cold to me.
I asked Jay what was their deal and he lost it at me. He claims I put him in an incredibly awkward position. His parents apparently didn't think we were "That serious" yet and began to question him if I was only using him as a "replacement daddy." He said that it was way out of line to introduce them that way without even talking to him beforehand. I think it's ridiculous. If one day he's going to be my son's stepdad then why go through this formal nonsense? He claimed that's "Not the point" and we ended up fighting till I stormed out.
We have not talked since and I have simply been waiting for an apology. I talked with my sister about it last night and she said she was mortified to hear this. Saying she also didn't geat the read that we were all that serious and she never felt like Jay intended to take on a "Dad" role. This has got me questioning if I was wrong.
&#x200B;
*Verdict: Asshole*
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*Comments*
>[1.](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/z64yd5/comment/ixzf1ev/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3) I wish his parents had at least come up to talk, you know? It would have made things less awkward.
>
>[2.](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/z64yd5/comment/ixzff7m/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3) I and Jay have never really sat down and talked about this I guess. He's always been so amazing with my son though, that I just kind of assumed he was going to take on that role once we got engaged. My sister though says that Jay's never given off that vibe to her. I plan to have that conversation with him immediately.
>
>[3.](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/z64yd5/comment/ixzfog6/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3) Jay's always been so amazing with my son though. It might not be a "Dad" relationship by name, but my son loves Jay with all his heart, and Jay's never given any indication he's not ok with this. We never sat down and talked about it, sure, but he never said anything else. I really regret doing this now though
>
>[4.](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/z64yd5/comment/ixzzob1/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3) I know now in retrospect how bad it looks. But I genuinely thought that Jay was fine with it. My son sees him as basically his father figure even though we don't live together yet. Jay has been nothing but an angel to my son as well, so I guess I misread the entire situation.
>
>I feel panicky now. Because I know I messed up badly. I probably ruined my relationship with his parents and from what my sister told me, I'm guessing Jay may not have seen my son as his own.....
>
>I really don't know how to fix this now....
&#x200B;
*Updates (Edits) within the post:*
edit:
Ok, I messed up.
I genuinely thought Jay would be ok with this. Jay has always treated my son so well, I guess I misread treating him kindly as being ok with being his father figure. I'm pretty sure I ruined this for myself, but most importantly I hurt my son through all this.
Edit 2:
I called Jay and apologized. We're going to be taking a break. I'm going to look into making sure I didn't scar my kid with this.
&#x200B;
# Update: AITA for introducing my boyfriend's parents as "Grandma and Grandpa" to my son? [[Link - AITA](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/zi00fp/update_aita_for_introducing_my_boyfriends_parents/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3)] - December 10, 2022
&#x200B;
People still seemed interested in my post about introducing my boyfriend Jay's parents to my son as "grandma" and "grandpa." I thought I would update everyone on what happened. Immediately when I realized I was in the wrong, I called Jay and apologized for what happened. He told me he needed some space and wanted to take a break. I ended up calling his mother as well and apologized profusely. His mother forgave me and after I explained my reasoning said she didn't hold it against me. However, in retrospect, I think she was only being nice to me knowing her son was going to end the relationship.
Speaking of, Jay ended the relationship. I decided to take the advice given here about sitting down with jay and getting on the same page about our relationship. I also saw some of the comments here about taking a break = relationship ended, so I called Jay and told him that I wanted to talk sooner rather than later about this. We met yesterday, and while I feel our talk went well, It was really obvious to me that Jay was done with the relationship. He said that, while he always knew that me and my son were a packaged deal, he had not decided at that point if he was truly going to take on the "dad" role for my son. He felt like my interpreting his niceness and acceptance of my son as a fatherly role was a red flag for him overall, especially because we had never talked about it at all. He said that the real problem he had was me deciding that his parents were grandma and grandpa, without even talking to him about it. My original refusal to apologize and expecting him to as well were part of it as well. There are other things he brought up that I feel are beyond this issue anyway, so I'm going to leave them out. Many of the criticisms left on my original post lined up with what he said, so I can really say for certain I messed up big time. I apologized, But I knew there was really no hope of saving this so I didn't push when he said he felt like we should end the relationship.
Overall, my last post made me realize that I really need to work on my own expectations for my partner and how he will fit into my son's life. I also really need to work on my own communication skills.
&#x200B;
&#x200B;
*\*\*Reminder - I am not the original poster* | 6,104 | 2022-12-17T14:45:49 | OOP asks if she is TA for introducing her bf's parents as "Grandma and Grandpa" to her son | CONCLUDED | ShakeThatTushy | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/zo7rhq/oop_asks_if_she_is_ta_for_introducing_her_bfs/ | false | false | [
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zoad3g | [removed] | 1 | 2022-12-17T16:46:08 | My wife called chickens stupid f*cks | CONCLUDED | HoneydewHaunting | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/zoad3g/my_wife_called_chickens_stupid_fcks/ | false | false | [
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zoav50 | **I am NOT OP. Original post by** u/aitacrybaby **in** r/AmItheAsshole
[**AITA for refusing to cry in front of my GF?**](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/ii3ce2/aita_for_refusing_to_cry_in_front_of_my_gf/) \- 28th August 2020
I'm a 22 y/o man raised by a very traditional single dad. Among the many ideals my dad instilled into me was that crying was a sign of weakness in men, so, most of the time, my dad would reprimand me if I came to him crying. It'd range from small things, like spilling juice on my pants to being bullied at school. He said "if you're breaking down about these issues, you're never going to make it in life." I would hide my tears like an alcoholic would hide booze, and, eventually, I grew up to be the "strong silent" type in school and in adulthood. If being emotional meant hurting myself or someone else, it seemed better to just not show them at all.
Fast forward a few years. I have this GF, Katie, that I'd been seeing for a few months. Most girls were turned off by me being so reserved, but Katie had this talent for seeing that I wasn't just mean or cold to people. I was hurting. She treated me like a decent human, so I did my best to be a gentleman to her while still staying reserved. My dad told me it was important that a man never let his own feelings keep him from protecting and being respectful to women.
About a week ago, Katie called saying her mom died in the hospital due to complications from the Rona, and asked me to come to the funeral (her body was cremated to avoid attendees getting sick.) Now, I never knew what having a mom was like, so as the preacher described Katie's mom during the sermon, it sounded like everything I wished I had as a kid. Someone who was gentle and nurturing, who'd understand my feelings rather than criticize them, someone who'd let me cry on their shoulder like I'd done for Katie many times. It was overpowering. I felt the tears coming on, and Katie looked at me in surprise. By force of habit, I didn't dare let myself cry. I took a deep breath, swallowed the lump in my throat, and just gave Katie another hug.
After the service, I drove Katie home. It was pretty quiet until, out of nowhere, she went OFF on me. She said I cared more about looking like a "macho man" who didn't cry than letting her know how I felt. She said things like "I'm sorry your dad is stuck in the stone age," and "I've opened up to you so much, but you never do the same for me!" and "Is your male ego really that fragile?!" I just said, "Enough." or "Please stop." But she wouldn't. Normally, I'm not fazed by someone berating me (thank you, dad,) but after a while, I couldn't take it anymore. I just let her vent at me until I stopped at her house, and said, cold as ice, "Get. out." She seemed to get the hint that I was pissed, and ran in her apartment like a scared child.
Now, IDK if what I did was right anymore. It's become a habit of mine to avoid showing vulnerability, but maybe Katie has a point about having a "male ego," whatever that means. AITA for refusing to cry in front of her?
&#x200B;
**Verdict - No A-holes here (NAH)**
&#x200B;
[**UPDATE**](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/ir5kyz/update_aita_for_refusing_to_cry_in_front_of_my_gf/) \- 12th September 2020
Thank you all very much for your feedback in the original post. There were a variety of perspectives on this, but the general consensus seems to be that, while I'm NTA, it is bad for our relationship if I keep bottling up. You're right; it's not fair to me or Katie if she's looking for someone to relate to, and I refuse to give that to her, especially not when she's grieving. Also, thank you for being sympathetic with Katie's plight. She's apologized for lashing out; she was just acting out of grief, not out of spite or a need to control me.
Well, the situation has turned into one of the most profound moments of my life. As we were making amends, Katie gave me a copy of her mom's funeral on video. We both watched it together, and, this time, I found the courage to cry for the first time in 7 1/2 years. Hearing everyone describe Katie's mom had tapped into my inner child; the sad, lonely little boy longing for the warmth and affection that he didn't get from his only parent. Katie, despite her own grief, showed me nothing but kindness throughout my mental breakdown. All this time, I'd been seeing my own feelings as being invalid compared to hers. Katie just said, "my mom always made me feel safe whenever I was sad; now I wanna do the same for you." Bless her heart.
Now, our relationship is stronger than ever. We're both looking after each other, but also seeking our own means of support to avoid being too dependent. I've finally started on my long overdue journey toward healing from my trauma, and improving my mental health. I never would've reached this milestone if it weren't for the kind people of Reddit. I started from having no other outlet to having more options toward bettering myself than ever.
Thank you all very much.
**Reminder - I am not the original poster.** | 8,538 | 2022-12-17T17:09:01 | AITA for refusing to cry in front of my GF? + UPDATES | REPOST | raredontstare | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/zoav50/aita_for_refusing_to_cry_in_front_of_my_gf_updates/ | false | false | [
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zobgtz | **I am NOT OP. Original post by** u/diddiop **in** r/AmItheAsshole
[**AITA for not wanting to get rid of my gang tattoos “for the sake of my daughter”?**](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/dm7xx6/aita_for_not_wanting_to_get_rid_of_my_gang/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf) \- 24th October 2019
I spent 7 years in prison and I got out three years ago. I’m now 30.
I was a criminal and a horrible person. I did a lot of fucked up stuff, most of it related to my gang.
I currently have a two year old daughter, Mia. Me and the mom aren’t married but we share custody of Mia.
When Mia was born, I was already halfway out the door of the gang and the birth of Mia gave me the push I needed.
I moved away with Mia and her mom and we tried our best to start over. I love Mia with all my heart. She saved my life.
I have a lot of gang related tattoos. And I do mean a lot. They are pretty prominently displayed on me and are noticeable.
Mia’s mother has been after me to get rid of them or cover them up with other tattoos. The thing is, I don’t think I want to do that.
It’s not that I’m proud of them, or like them, it’s that they remind me of how far I’ve come and I don’t want to forget it. I don’t want to forget what happened. I don’t think I should get to just forget it like that.
I eventually broke down and told her this after she asked me again yesterday about it. She got super upset with me and said that I needed to do it for the “sake of our daughter” and that if I didn’t then that meant I missed “the life.”
She also said that I was putting my daughter in danger because somebody could recognize my tattoos and cause trouble for me.
I told her I haven’t been in that life for years and that it’s unfair for her to say that as she knows that I love Mia.
I’m honestly conflicted. I’ve gone back and forth about what to do with my tattoos and I thought that I had reached a reasonable decision.
AITA?
**Verdict - Asshole \[YTA\]**
[**UPDATE**](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/fpyoee/update_aita_for_not_wanting_to_get_rid_of_my_gang/) \- 27th March 2020
I listened to what everyone told me and one person in particular who suggested that I get Mia to draw something to cover up some of my tattoos.
Well I got her to do that and I covered up some of the most significant ones with her drawings.
They have all turned out beautifully and I’m so grateful for the idea.
I’m working on incorporating my remaining tattoos into a new design, as other people also suggested.
I’m also trying to work through the existing feelings I have regarding my old gang. Mia’s mother has been very supportive regarding all this and our relationship has been a work in progress to.
It’s been a work in progress but seeing my tattoos turn into something I love has been a very cathartic experience.
Thanks all.
**Reminder - I am not the original poster.** | 4,731 | 2022-12-17T17:36:16 | AITA for not wanting to get rid of my gang tattoos for my daughter's sake? | CONCLUDED | raredontstare | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/zobgtz/aita_for_not_wanting_to_get_rid_of_my_gang/ | false | false | [
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zoccd2 | **I am not OOP. OOP is** [u/Throwawaytgiving](https://www.reddit.com/user/Throwawaytgiving/). She posted in [r/AmItheAsshole](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/). Short and sweet!
Your daily fun fact to prevent mobile spoilers: [u/Valenshyne](https://www.reddit.com/u/Valenshyne/) wanted a fun fact about goats. (I decided I'd give two.) Their milk is the most popular milk in the world, and according to Ethiopian legend, goats were the ones to discover coffee! ([Goat Picture](https://media.istockphoto.com/id/177369626/photo/funny-goat-puts-out-its-tongue.jpg?s=612x612&w=0&k=20&c=YlmA4-C8o5XFsoYMLK-VBnhQku1tmeBm7DJBkrzJuGw=), [Source](https://www.mentalfloss.com/article/61542/15-amazing-things-you-probably-didnt-know-about-goats), #8 and #13)
**Trigger Warning:** >!Allergic reaction!<
**Mood Spoiler:** >!Uncle comes in clutch!<
**Original** [Post](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/zhlxwf/aita_for_refusing_to_pay_my_cousins_hospital_bill/)**: December 10, 2022**
Throwaway because reasons and I'm on mobile.
A few years ago I (32F) took over my mom's portion of the family annual Thanksgiving host rotation. It's a fun event because I get to see family I generally don't see the rest of the year and I love hosting. It is semi-potluck and I make a point of asking about allergies and food preferences.
This year my cousin(36M) told me he was joining with his new wife (they got married in July) and her daughter, who is around 8. Cousin was added to the group chat and didn't say anything about allergies/preferences when asked.
Forward to Thanksgiving. One of the desserts I made was peanut butter cookies. My family and I love them. Cousin's SD ate one and is allergic to peanuts. I had no idea and would never have made them if I knew. Husband and I took them to a stand alone ER that was about 5 minutes from the house. We stayed with them for some time until she was transferred to the local hospital where she stayed overnight. She ended up being fine.
Last week I got a text from cousin with a pic of the hospital bill. He wanted to know how I wanted to handle it. I called and he and wife expect us to pay the bill. I told him we weren't going to do that. I reminded him that he had told me nobody had allergies, and hubby and I did pay the copay at the ER ($500) because we felt bad. He had an argument and now the family is involved. They're mostly on my side but some are getting into me for having anything peanut related cause "everybody" has peanut allergies nowadays.
The bill is about $6k. We don't have it. The $500 we paid came out of our Christmas budget. I feel bad his SD got sick. Ultimately tho it's their responsibility to handle things like this. AITA for refusing to pay?
EDIT: I will not call CPS! Please stop suggesting this. It's not going to happen.
***OOP is voted NTA.***
**Update 1: Same Post**
Showed the bill to a friend, who helped me understand that this is the TOTAL bill, not what is owed privately. Also, I called Uncle (cousin's dad). Uncle wasn't at the event and has been rather silent in this matter. I learned that cousin hasn't shared that A) nobody shared allergy issues and B) that we paid the initial copay. Uncle is now upset. I have been told not to worry my pretty little head and he will have a chat with his son.
If anybody needs me, I'll be sitting at my desk doing my best Mr. Burns imitation.
**Update 2: Same post, 14 hours later**
Uncle just texted me with the following: "I called my son and told him he needs to leave you alone and take responsibility for his mistakes. Then I called his mother and told her she needs to get a handle on that namby-pamby boy of hers. Don't you worry about a thing." I have to admit, y'all, I'm DYING. Thank you everyone for validating my gut reaction. I have a tendency to overthink and often feel guilty about things I shouldn't. You're all very kind! I'm turning off notifications now.
***Relevant Comments:***
*Clarification about who went to the ER:*
"We took them to the ER, as in the child and her parents. They don't live in the area and my husband thought it was best that we drive as we knew where the ER was. It was much faster than calling for an ambulance."
*Cute uncle saying:*
"My uncle has been using "pretty little head" with me for as long as I can remember. When I was small, he would say "pretty little head" then poke me on the top of my head. Then I'd say "your pretty little head" and poke him in his head. While I fully acknowledge others might not like the saying, I've always considered it a term of endearment from him."
*Someone asked if she used the crossed fork mark trick to indicate peanut butter, or a kiss in the middle:*
"Yes, crossed fork marks. I've never tried the Hershey's Kiss, tho. You've given me ideas! Lol" | 7,216 | 2022-12-17T18:15:51 | AITA for refusing to pay my cousin's hospital bill? | CONCLUDED | LucyAriaRose | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/zoccd2/aita_for_refusing_to_pay_my_cousins_hospital_bill/ | false | false | [
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zoddjt | **I am NOT OP. Original post by u/throwramute11 in r/relationship_advice**
---
&nbsp;
[**I (18F) am dead scared to ask out my crush(19F)**](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/qqxebu/i_18f_am_dead_scared_to_ask_out_my_crush19f/) - 10 November 2021
We are friendly. She is really popular extrovert. She is friendly to everyone. She always comes talk to me when she sees me in the campus.
I'm really damn shy and I have never asked anyone out. I don't have a lot of friends here and she has been really helpful. I don't want to make things weird. I have never had a girlfriend before and yeah. It is embarassing. She probably gets asked out by guys a lot.
I think she is gay. She has a ton of bi merch. She texts me Every couple of days. She kinda bullies me into accepting food she buys for me.She is so nice. I am really smitten with her.
I'm just scared of asking her out. I'm 99% sure she will reject me but I am close to blurting out that I like her. I'm a sucker for pain. I need advice.
TLDR : I need advice on how to not ask our my crush in the worst way possible. She is nice and friendly. Don't know if she is just being nice or interested.
&nbsp;
[**Update : I (18F) am dead scared to ask out my crush(19F)**](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/qt7noa/update_i_18f_am_dead_scared_to_ask_out_my_crush19f/) - 13 November 2021
I asked her out! Someone told me that instead of straight up asking her out. I should spend more time with her and see if we connect and then go from there. I saw her the next day and she told me she was bored so I asked if she wanted to get coffee with me from a cute coffee shop a bit further away.
She said yes and while we were walking there she took my hand and we walked hand in hand till we reached there. I was blushing so hard. She noticed that and said I looked really cute when I blushed. We had coffee and spend some time together. I paid for it and she said next date was on her and yeah we are going to study together tomorrow and we are going on a date next week.
TLDR : I asked her out. we are going on a date next week!
&nbsp;
**Reminder - I am not the original poster.** | 4,136 | 2022-12-17T19:01:27 | I (18F) am dead scared to ask out my crush (19F) | CONCLUDED | toohottooheavy | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/zoddjt/i_18f_am_dead_scared_to_ask_out_my_crush_19f/ | false | false | [
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zof45g | **I am NOT OP. Original post by u/confident_face5385 in r/amitheasshole**
---
&nbsp;
[**WIBTA if I send an email to my half sister?**](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/p47pzw/wibta_if_i_send_an_email_to_my_half_sister/) - 14 August 2021
My elder sister is estranged from us. She was the scapegoat and I was the golden child. I was a spoiled brat and I rubbed it in. She was still a great elder sister. She was there for when I needed it and she protected me when I fucked up. I didn't deserve that at all. She cut us all off when I was 17. She had written me a letter where she explained that she loved me but she couldn't have me in her life without my presence reminding her of how shitty they were to her.
It has been 8 years. I have respected her wishes because It had truly started to understand how horrible our parents where and I am sure I will never properly get how bad it was for her. I have wanted to see how she was doing. I have heard about her from mutual friends b really miss her but I understand why she wants the distance. She was always compared to me. She was constantly criticized about things that were not in her control. I was a little shit and loved how much they cared about me, They adored me while trampling down on her. It must have been hell. Pure hell for her and I was the tool used to hurt her.
Last month, My boyfriend had a zoom company conference. I was dropping off some snacks for him when I saw it was my sister speaking. It brought back a lot of memories. I really miss her. I really do. I have been thinking about her lot.
I want to send her an email asking her how she has been, Telling her I realized how shitty my parents were and apologizing for my actions and that I have cut them out of my life too. I just want to tell her that I really wish that she is happy and she was able to move past what the hurt they caused. I really hope that she is happy and I want her to be happy even if I have no place in her life,
Would that be too much? I talked to one our old mutual friend who knew some of what went down and she thinks that It would be too much and that I should just move on and forget about it. I still want to send it to her.
I know it is selfish. I should just ignore all these emotions and let her live in peace. That mail could drag back so much bad memories and I don't want to hurt her again. I still want to send it to her. That is what makes me a asshole here, I feel. I want to try to text her when she told me not to.
Verdict: NAH
&nbsp;
[**Update : WIBTA if I send an email to my half sister?**](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/pwlspa/update_wibta_if_i_send_an_email_to_my_half_sister/) - 27 September 2021
I received a lot very helpful advice. I wrote a short email telling my sister that I wished her well, I apologized for my behavior when we were living together and told her that I have cut of our parents and that I will love to be a part of her life if she wants me to be but I do understand it if she doesn't want to.
I sat on it for a week and send it to our mutual friend. She read the email and she said she had talked about it with my sister and she was willing to read it. Nothing happened for two weeks but then she started to follow me on instagram!! I got so excited that my boyfriend was worried about me for a second. I have a photography page and she like a really old photo so I know she was browsing my account. She texted me a day later and we finally talked.
I talked to her after 8 years. It was pretty emotional and yeah, it was fine. She is coming over to meet me next month. I am excited for it. She hasn't really changed and it makes me feel terrible, The first thing she asked me was how they treated me after she left, I don't know how I was so terrible to this wonderful woman.
It is funny, She ended up being the perfect daughter they wanted me to be and I ended up being a bi college dropout with a career in flighty arts stuff. Funny how that turned out.
&nbsp;
**Reminder - I am not the original poster.** | 6,573 | 2022-12-17T20:17:37 | WIBTA if I send an email to my half sister? | REPOST | toohottooheavy | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/zof45g/wibta_if_i_send_an_email_to_my_half_sister/ | false | false | [
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zohoy7 | [removed] | 1 | 2022-12-17T22:07:58 | 6 Best Work From Home Jobs! (Netflix Tagger, Amazon Product Tester ect.) | INCONCLUSIVE | HessamInanloo_8352 | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/zohoy7/6_best_work_from_home_jobs_netflix_tagger_amazon/ | false | false | [
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zohtp3 | **I am NOT OP. Original post by** u/[escaliere](https://www.reddit.com/user/escaliere/) **in** r/AirBnB
# Weirdly, this post has experienced a sharp influx of downvotes, despite all of the top comments agreeing with OOP. I'm sure this has absolutely nothing to do with the organization mentioned in the post, who have done the same thing to others :)
Animal Fun Fact bc I love the ones u/LucyAriaRose gives: Many farmers feed their cows Skittles! They're purchased in bulk (usually at a discounted rate because they take defective candies) and mixed into their regular feed for a cheap way to get them a little bit of sugar and carbs. Farmers closer to a different candy factory will often mix that into their feed as well. Mmmm, skittlecow...
mood spoilers: >!Infuriating process, but they get their money back and have reported the company.!<
Updates were added to the original post, so dates are unfortunately unavailable for those.
ETA: The images of this post have been (partially) transcribed! I've made a post on my profile, [here](https://www.reddit.com/user/TheComment/comments/zolfx6/host_is_imposing_a_750_late_checkin_fee_image/). I've linked the post again in the text with \[[x](https://www.reddit.com/user/TheComment/comments/zolfx6/host_is_imposing_a_750_late_checkin_fee_image/)\].
\*\*\*
# Host is imposing a $750 late check-in fee. What options do I have?
[*Oct. 16, 2022*](https://www.reddit.com/r/AirBnB/comments/y5x3cc/host_is_imposing_a_750_late_checkin_fee_what/)*,* r/AirBnB
I'm planning a trip for a party of 8 in Seattle next week. Over a month ago, I messaged the host (it is a company, not a person) asking for information about the check-in process. They replied that they will contact me 1 week prior to my stay.
This week, they message me saying that check-in must be in-person between 4-6pm on my arrival date. This is impossible for me, as my whole party had booked flights that arrive between 10:30pm and 11pm, so the earliest we would arrive to the AirBNB would be around 11pm. Mind you, the listing at first glance says that check-in is "after 4:00pm," though under the cut it states 4pm to 6pm in the middle of what appears to be a full novel of a contract. I measured the scroll bar, and it's 1cm long.
The contract also does not EXPLICITLY state that guests MUST check in in-person. One has to infer that. The language they use is "any in person check in is required to provide valid identification to the check in host at the time of check in." This is the only place in the whole novel of a contract that states we are to be checking in in-person.
The other, more visible, place that it talks about check-in is in this paragraph:
>"Check-in is available between 4:00 pm and 6:00 pm on the date of Renter's arrival; a 30-minute window needs to be scheduled a minimum of 24 hours in advance (unless same day booking) with the Manager/ check-in host and a time confirmed. If renter is late past the check-in window the renter will pay up to $75 per 30 minutes as a wait fee."
The thing is, they wouldn't be "waiting" as I am telling them ahead of time I will not be there before 11pm.
I called AirBNB support and they said I have no grounds to dispute this and I have to take it up with the host. Yes, I wish I had read all of the 7,464 words under the cut in the house rules. Is there any way out?
Another lovely piece of the "house rules" that I found while reading today:
>"Any defamatory, libelous, or slanderous review posted on any public forum will incur a $100 per day fee until removed."
I feel so scammed. Any help is appreciated.
Edit: The cancellation policy is 50% refund 2 months in advance of the stay. Any later than that and there is no refund.
Edit 2: My boyfriend did some digging and found their Yelp reviews: [https://www.yelp.com/biz/luxury-sleep-accommodations-chelan-5](https://www.yelp.com/biz/luxury-sleep-accommodations-chelan-5) I am floored at how many others have had this exact experience with this company.
Edit 3: So since this post is getting a bit of traction, I'd like to provide a little more info. Part of the "house rules" states that guests must sign a contract before check-in and asks for a valid ID via an outside form ( [https://www.jotform.com/211386438413152](https://www.jotform.com/211386438413152)). The contract contains all of the extra fees including the waiting fee, the bad review fee, and a host of other fees (many of which are between $750 and $1500). They state that without my signature, they will not check us in. I'm assuming that my bank will not accept any claims I make if I sign this contract... I think I'm stuck.
\-----
**FINAL EDIT**: After 5 phone calls to AirBNB, 32 messages to a support person who responded every 6 hours and then 3 calls to my bank, AIRBNB REFUNDED MY ENTIRE STAY OF $2,429.10!!! Before this happened, my party decided to cut our losses and book a hotel - we figured that this scummy host would weasel in as many fees as they're able to and it would probably end up well over $750 if we stayed.
I've said this to those who DMed me, but I was so encouraged by all of your comments and offers to help. I saw 5 new reviews pop up on their Yelp page since I've made this post. Some of you have contacted AirBNB on my behalf. I have never received so much support from a community, and I am so thankful.
I am going to take the next day or two to write scathing reviews of this company and detail exactly the steps I took to get a refund. I saw that many others were unable to get refunded, so hopefully this post can help someone like you all have helped me.
Different names the company goes by (and they have changed it once again10/18/22): Luxsle Corp, Luxury Sleeping Accommodations, Luxury Virtual Staging.
Various rental profiles: [AirBNB](https://www.airbnb.com/users/show/23165254), [their main website](https://www.luxsle.com/), [seattle vacation lodging](http://www.seattlevacationlodging.com/), [Reluty real estate services](https://reluty.com/)
[BBB profile](https://www.bbb.org/us/wa/seattle/profile/vacation-rentals/luxsle-corp-1296-1000058038)
[Yelp Profile](https://www.yelp.com/biz/staging-and-rentals-co-chelan) (previously linked above) which they seem to have CHANGED THEIR COMPANY NAME ON to "Staging and Rentals Co"?????
[Birdeye Profile](https://reviews.birdeye.com/luxury-sleep-accommodations-and-vacation-rentals-156961772166212)
For their Google reviews, search "Luxury Virtual Staging" in Seattle.
**HOW I GOT MY REFUND:**
I make most of my commentary on the images inside the imgur links.
To start, these were the house rules under the cut: [https://imgur.com/a/kU849Jn](https://imgur.com/a/kU849Jn) \[[x](https://www.reddit.com/user/TheComment/comments/zolfx6/host_is_imposing_a_750_late_checkin_fee_image/)\] I've highlighted areas of note (fees, inconsistencies).
Notable text on the listing: [https://imgur.com/a/OAw7Nk5](https://imgur.com/a/OAw7Nk5) \[[x](https://www.reddit.com/user/TheComment/comments/zolfx6/host_is_imposing_a_750_late_checkin_fee_image/)\]
My messages with the host: [https://imgur.com/a/kswzD7p](https://imgur.com/a/kswzD7p) \[[x](https://www.reddit.com/user/TheComment/comments/zolfx6/host_is_imposing_a_750_late_checkin_fee_image/)\]
My messages with AirBNB: [https://imgur.com/a/bFQArut](https://imgur.com/a/bFQArut) I've highlighted everything I said that I thought actually helped me along. \[[x](https://www.reddit.com/user/TheComment/comments/zolfx6/host_is_imposing_a_750_late_checkin_fee_image/)\]
Wells Fargo was very helpful. They almost cancelled my credit card twice because they thought I was reporting fraud. They said that a fee for "wrongfully disputing a credit card charge" sounds illegal and it is unlikely that AirBNB would help enforce this.
The thing I did MOST RIGHT, though, was NOT signing the contract that they emailed me. If I had signed that, I would (probably) have no grounds for disputing anything. I'm sure that the hosts on this sub who reached out for me also made a difference in the outcome, along with all of the reporting and new 1-star reviews that everyone has been leaving.
Thanks again to everyone who put in time and effort to help out a stranger on the internet. I am glad there are so many hosts out there who embody the spirit of BnB.
# [UPDATE] Host WAS imposing a $750 late check-in fee. They're now talking about legal action for my previous post.
[*Oct 19, 2022*](https://www.reddit.com/r/AirBnB/comments/y86ryu/update_host_was_imposing_a_750_late_checkin_fee/)*,* r/AirBnB
So per my final update to my [previous post](https://www.reddit.com/r/AirBnB/comments/y5x3cc/host_is_imposing_a_750_late_checkin_fee_what/), AirBnB sided with me and provided me a near $2,500 refund after the host I booked with (Luxsle Corp/Luxury Sleep Accommodations/Luxury Virtual Staging) tried to charge me $150 per hour fee to check in at 11pm.
They sent me a new message today: [https://imgur.com/a/FUIrIWh](https://imgur.com/a/FUIrIWh) \[[x](https://www.reddit.com/user/TheComment/comments/zolfx6/host_is_imposing_a_750_late_checkin_fee_image/)\]
It wasn't unexpected. They've responded this way to numerous other people. Am I right in assuming that they have no basis for taking legal action against me?
My concern is they also seem to be threatening me, dropping my Reddit username and that they know what my occupation is. I've already reported them to AirBnB.
Thanks again for reading.
Edit: To update for anyone interested, AirBnB has reached out to me to discuss this case. I don't know what that means but I hope it means we're getting somewhere. I haven't gotten a chance to reply to everyone but I'm appreciative of the continued support!! :)
Edit 2: Thanks to everyone's advice, I've filed reports against Luxsle to the Washington State Attorney General, the Federal Trade Commission, the City of Seattle General Business Complaints, and to the Department of Licensing for Real Estate.
# AirBnB host tried to charge me $600 to check in late, I got a refund, and they are now talking about legal action against me for libel, bullying and harassment.
[*October 19, 2022*](https://www.reddit.com/r/legaladvice/comments/y8bd6c/airbnb_host_tried_to_charge_me_600_to_check_in/)*,* r/legaladvice
Directly related to my [previous post](https://www.reddit.com/r/AirBnB/comments/y5x3cc/host_is_imposing_a_750_late_checkin_fee_what/) in [r/AirBnB](https://www.reddit.com/r/AirBnB/).
I apologize if the flair is wrong - it was originally about housing/renting but it seems more related to criminal law, now.
The location is Seattle, WA.
AirBnB sided with me and provided me a near $2,500 refund after the host I booked with (not a single person, but a large property management company) tried to charge me $150 per hour fee to check in at 11pm. The details are in my previous post, but the TL;DR is that I mistakenly did not read the "house rules" in its entirety (7,464 words) and booked after just skimming. I asked for check-in information a month prior to my stay, and they responded that they would discuss it 1 week before my stay. They then told me that checking in late is a $150 per hour fee, and I would be 5 hours late. I felt that this fee (among many others costing between $750 and $1,500 for doing things like not waiting for the garage door to close all the way or not showering before entering the pool) was excessive and misleading.
They sent me a new message today: [https://imgur.com/a/FUIrIWh](https://imgur.com/a/FUIrIWh) \[[x](https://www.reddit.com/user/TheComment/comments/zolfx6/host_is_imposing_a_750_late_checkin_fee_image/)\] (update: added another image)
It wasn't unexpected. They've responded this way to numerous other people who leave bad reviews. Am I right in assuming that they have no basis for taking legal action against me? I know my previous post got a decent amount of attention - is this considered harassment/bullying? Would anything that I said previously be considered defamatory? Do I have to write "this post is not encouragement to leave 1 star reviews" (or something similar) on everything to be considered safe? I linked many of their business and rental profiles as well as popular review sites on my post, too, so I imagine they did get a decent amount of attention from that. However, I did not once encourage others to leave negative reviews or report their business, or to do anything, really.
Another concern I have is that in their message towards me, they also seem to be threatening me by dropping my Reddit username and that they know what my occupation is. I've already reported them to AirBnB.
I do know that anything anyone says online can incite threats to sue - I know the risk I am taking whenever I post. Someone in [r/AirBnB](https://www.reddit.com/r/AirBnB/) suggested I might be able to get some advice here. Thanks for reading.
Edit: Thanks to [u/Lonely-World-981](https://www.reddit.com/u/Lonely-World-981/)'s advice, I've filed reports against Luxsle to the Washington State Attorney General, the Federal Trade Commission, the City of Seattle General Business Complaints, and to the Department of Licensing for Real Estate.
# Comment From OOP
[December 17, 2022](https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/zohtp3/comment/j0nkgff/?utm_source=reddit&utm_medium=web2x&context=3)
OOP here, thanks for helping to spread the word on these scumbags. Additional update that I haven't gotten a chance to add yet: they sent me a cease and desist via email about a month ago. I didn't respond. They seem to have gone quiet since then, which is nice.
&#x200B;
\*\*\*
*If you're having you're own AirBnB refund issues, the comments from the first post have a lot of good information.*
*Reminder that I am not the original poster, and don't stay in any AirBnB run by* ***Luxsle Corp, Luxury Sleeping Accommodations, Luxury Virtual Staging, or Staging and Rentals Co***. | 641 | 2022-12-17T22:13:32 | Host is imposing a $750 late check-in fee. What options do I have? (r/AirBnB) | ONGOING | TheComment | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/zohtp3/host_is_imposing_a_750_late_checkin_fee_what/ | false | false | [
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zoi3ah | **I am NOT OP. Original post by u/throwravarsityfriend in r/relationship_advice**
---
&nbsp;
[**My (20F) boyfriend (20M) invites my best friend (20F) out to games, just the two of them.**](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/dtetcf/my_20f_boyfriend_20m_invites_my_best_friend_20f/) - 8 November 2019
My boyfriend(lets call him J) and I have been together for a year and me and my best friend(lets call her G) have been friends since grade school. J and G are both varsity players and are addicted to watching sports. They would follow hockey, baseball, soccer, football, basketball, like almost any game they love. However, i'm not really a sports person but still I would make the effort to attend their games. I would also make an effort to learn and understand their games. J plays football and G plays soccer.
J was using my laptop and forgot to logout his facebook account. I know its wrong to snoop but I couldn't help it. Some his teammates were messaging him and I clicked on the message icon and saw that he was messaging G. I got curious and scrolled through it and saw that he invited G out to multiple games, saying that he will buy 2 tickets for this game or that game.
G would decline and tell him that he should invite me. J then said that I wouldn't understand and that I was not fun to be with in these kinds of things. G said that he is being unfair to me. J still sends multiple messages to G about wanting to talk and wanting to go out with her.
This has been going on for months. G has said nothing to me about this and the only thing that she did to kinda allude to the situation is to text me list of games that I should watch because those are J's favorite teams.
I kinda feel betrayed by both of them. Although I feel more betrayed by J than G.
What should I do? How should I approach this?
**UPDATE:**
Thank you everyone for your advice. I approached G first and told her that I've seen the messages. She was relieved that I came to her and talked to her about it. She explained that she didn't know what to do because she didn't want to do anything that would destroy our friendship. She also assured me that next time she will tell me if anything shady like this happens again and that she will always have my back. We both apologized to each other and hugged it out.
I also have to admit that snooping through J's messages are wrong. The reason I did that because there are some rumours that he hits on other girls at away games and I was feeling insecure and worried about it. But it still does not justify the way I went about it.
As for J, we will meet up later tonight. I honestly think it is over between us. He also has a lot of guys friends to go with him to games and he also would never invite me. I would rather salvage my relationship with my friend, than continue my relationship with him and stay feeling insecure.
Thank you people of reddit for the advice.
**UPDATE 2:**
G told me that I should start by saying "Hey, G told me that you were inviting her out to games" and I did exactly that. J became defensive and told me that he never invited her. I told him that I saw the messages and he asked if G showed me the messages. I told him the truth that I saw it through his fb and he was furious at me.
He told me that I violated his privacy and I apologized for it. Then he told me that he was asking out G because his friends felt that G was a lesbian. He was trying to get proof by asking her out and that her not reciprocating is proof that she is one.
At this point I'm like "WHAAAAAT?!". He said that he was doing that to protect me and I'm like WHAT?. He then left and told me that he needed space and that I should text him after I got my head cleared up. I texted him "stay away from me and G". That was honestly a wild ride.
&nbsp;
**Reminder - I am not the original poster.** | 9,646 | 2022-12-17T22:25:05 | My (20F) boyfriend (20M) invites my best friend (20F) out to games, just the two of them. | INCONCLUSIVE | toohottooheavy | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/zoi3ah/my_20f_boyfriend_20m_invites_my_best_friend_20f/ | false | false | [
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zoibfk | I am not the OP. This was originally posted in r/askcarsales by [u/BigMerc0925](https://www.reddit.com/user/BigMerc0925/).
Fun Fact for Mobile Spoilers: Wombats have square poops! The fact that they can create cubes in a soft tube (their intestines) is actually so novel, there are potential applications in things like manufacturing and medicine!
Mood spoiler: >!Surprisingly happy ending. Everything is made right. !<
\*\*\*
# Dealership burned my car (literally). Offering me new car - how should I tackle this?
[December 1, 2020](https://www.reddit.com/r/askcarsales/comments/k4y2a7/dealership_burned_my_car_literally_offering_me/)
Hi, new to Reddit - but was told by a family member this is an excellent source of info. Buckle in for a lengthy story but I need the advice. Remove if violating rules.
Context: I own a Mercedes CL600, I took it in to the dealership for (what I thought) to be routine work on some engine seals/covers. This was on Monday.
From what the dealership has told me, apparently there was an accident that occurred that resulted while it was in service. Owner of the dealer calls me (nice gesture)
I’m thinking “Okay, someone probably hit it. No big deal, probably just needs some bodywork/paint correction someone hit it in the lot. It happens”. Nope there was a mechanical fire, owner of the dealership says you better come down.
(Tuesday)
Hoping for the best on my drive over, but if any of you are gearheads these cars have magnesium subframes on them. My worst fears were well founded, the entire car caught on fire. I’m looking at a charred CL600 that the fire department had to just let burn in the parking lot because magnesium fires are tough to put out. Insurance obviously declares this a total loss and will be coming after the dealer for money.
Oddly enough after searching some owners forums, this has happened to a handful or two of CL600 owners getting the same exact service done. Not exactly common, but it has happened.
Caveat here is the dealership is liable, and they are being extremely amenable (above and beyond for the circumstances) and going to give me a new car for free.
They are going to work up solution and give me some details tomorrow. What advice do you have on how I should tackle this? Valuation is going to be weird, how much should I push for something similar to what I had?
I know the comparisons aren’t exactly there to be made to compare my low-mileage loaded CL600 to Mercedes current lineup, but I don’t really know what to ask for. Any advice? I know this is a crazy situation.
*\[Redundant link to update post removed\]*
# Dealer burned my car (literally) Update
[*December 2, 2020*](https://www.reddit.com/r/askcarsales/comments/k5hc2a/dealer_burned_my_car_literally_update/)
*\[Redundant link to original post removed\]*
For those looking for an update on my burned CL600 that caught fire at the dealership.
First off, I want to thank the kind (and some not so kind) folks on this page. But in particular a few users who gave some really good advice ( [u/SupraLover1994](https://www.reddit.com/u/SupraLover1994/) , [u/Minja78](https://www.reddit.com/u/Minja78/) , and [u/ArlesChatless](https://www.reddit.com/u/ArlesChatless/) ) that really helped me going in for a conversation. I appreciate the kindness from strangers, especially in a forum like this.
I am leaving the dealership with a new (used) car! For those that are interested in the particulars:
I had a great conversation with the owner of the dealer, as I said before he really has gone above and beyond to bury the hatchet and make sure that I am taken care of now and in the future. Approaching this with cool heads and a good attitude made for a really pleasant experience.
Hagerty booked my car at 29k and some change. The owner of the dealership suggested their insurance take the hit to avoid a total loss on my policy - we then discussed what a new vehicle looks like for me. At this point I think all the frustration and sadness was out, he handed his wallet in a gesture to me, chuckled slightly and said "lets walk the lot, pick a few cars you like and we can talk options".
We looked at a lot of cars that were about as similar as you could get to my old CL600 (S-Class coupes, CLS Sedans, and even SL Roadsters), but ultimately I settled on a low-mileage, used 2019 S63 AMG sedan with \~5300 miles that really caught my eye. CarFax checks out, its CPO fresh-off a trade-in. I drove the car, had a PPI done, and was satisfied with the results.
The owner and I sat to discuss the nitty-gritty, I was happy to discuss numbers on the new car. To my complete surprise, he asks if I would consider rolling the insurance money in to the deal, and that I cover taxes, titling costs, and fees. If I do this, they will let me walk with the car free and clear, along with some dealer add-ons of my choice and a paid-for service contract.
I felt this was **far** beyond fair, and accepted his extremely gracious deal. This was beyond any expectations I had when I woke up this morning. Paperwork is all done, and I will be picking up the car Friday after they complete the add-ons to it.
I couldn't figure out how to post a picture on this post on my desktop (sorry I'm a little new to reddit) - but it is a white S63 AMG with plenty of goodies. Its not a coupe, but I'm glad for the extra space and it is miles beyond my old CL600 in terms of comfort, tech, and amenities. It is a blast to drive!
Thank you again to everybody who offered kind words and advice to help me approach this the best way possible. It is nice to know decent people are out there helping others in need. I don't think this profession gets enough credit for the ones who do it right - thank you to those that do.
Hope everyone has a great holiday season with their loved ones!
\*\*\*
*Another reminder that I am not OP.* | 3,790 | 2022-12-17T22:34:47 | Dealership burned my car (literally). Offering me new car - how should I tackle this? | CONCLUDED | TheComment | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/zoibfk/dealership_burned_my_car_literally_offering_me/ | false | false | [
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zojqnl | [removed] | 1,541 | 2022-12-17T23:37:02 | Neglectful moron alienates his daughter by trying to play dad | ONGOING | Buff_Helpy69 | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/zojqnl/neglectful_moron_alienates_his_daughter_by_trying/ | false | false | [
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zomsji | Originally posted by u/hidinabottle in r/AmItheAsshole on Dec 10, '22, updated in an edit.
**OOP posted a new update today, Dec 18th. You can find it below the 🔴🔴🔴's**
Difficult Content Warning Warning:
Did you know newborn kittens can hiss? This is rare to see, though, so a lot of people think they're having breathing problems when they hear it. It's just their instincts kicking in to warn off trouble when they hear or smell something different. These hisses are, of course, properly intimidating (read: extremely adorable).
Trigger Warning:
.
>!Questions of child abuse and sexual abuse!<
[Original post ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/zi5hwt/aita_for_looking_into_professional_babysitter_for/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=android_app&utm_name=androidcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=share_button)
AITA for looking into professional babysitter for my child?
I have a daughter who is roughly 1 year old. Her name is Allison. Her dad and I both work full time jobs, where I work between 35-40 hours a week and he works anywhere between 40-45 hours. We both work mornings.
My friends Tom (23m) and Skylar (24f)had volunteered to watch Allison for us as Tom worked from home and Allison isn't known to cry very often. At first it was going great. Tom would have Allison in a separate and baby proofed room where she could play with her toys while he worked. Then Skylar would take over when she came home.
We offered pay many times but they kept refusing. And Skylar would ask us to bring Allison over if it had been a while since we asked her to help with babysitting. Finally we agreed to them having Allison 3 days a week but the made us promise to stop offering to pay them.
It was great for a while. It really worked out. But then Allison started coming home with rashes from stale diapers. She'd be extremely fussy and hungry by the time we got home. We would talk to Tom and Skylar about this and request they were more observant of her diapers at the very least. Her thrashing and screaminf because diaper ointment hurt broke my heart every time. Especially since I knew it was avoidable. They'd say yes, but after a while would go back.
They have recently started lying to get out of our arraignment. Claiming to be out of town for the week, then Snapchat us them being at home with their birds. Claim they were sick but our mutual friends would still be hanging out. And claiming that they wouldn't be at home all week for work, when Tom works strictly from home. His job doesn't even have a main office.
Without them knowing, we registered Allison with a professional daycare service. I drop her off in the morning and her dad picks her up. Word got to Skylar and Tom and now they're blowing up our phones calling us evil, shifty, and rude for not telling them they wouldn't have Allison anymore. And claiming I betrayed their trust by not talking to them about my concerns.
AITA for finding a daycare for Allison?
*When asked why they would offer to watch Allison for free:*
They had said it was because Allison was a joy to be around and that they had no problem doing a favor for their friends. They said accepting payment just felt wrong for something they volunteered and wanted to do.
*When asked about Allison being kept in a separate room all day:*
We were under the impression that Tom would be interacting with her semi-frequently. He told us that his job is extremely slow paced and in the 4 hours he would be working while looking after her, he would have a 1 hour lunch and a 15 minute break. Plus the ability to be with her until he heard a notification from his computer.
*More info in the comments:*
As for the visits, we haven't seen them in three weeks, so they haven't been around Allison. And I don't see that changing. I just have this sick feeling in my gut and I don't know if it's guilt or instinct. We had been talking about possible overnights once a week due to the late pickup and early dropoff times (6am to 8pm due to our work schedules and drives) and I'm just glad I had never agreed to it.
My husband and I are going to be calling Allison's pediatrician tomorrow morning. I have this sick feeling and with every traumatic diaper change it gets worse. I'm praying that everyone's dark thoughts are wrong but I can't shake this feeling.
Our pediatrician is available for an emergency appointment with us today, thankfully. We're in the waiting room now. If Allison's pediatrician wasn't available, we would've gone straight to an urgent care nearby.
*Verdict: Not The Asshole, but get your baby examined by a doctor.*
UPDATE
I am not ready to go into too much detail yet, but we have been advised by Allison's pediatrician to launch an investigation against Tom and Skylar for what I thought was a diaper rash. It was apparently burns, which would explain how it appeared in the course of one day as badly as it had and why it didn't seem to be healing.
Allison is not going into her daycare tomorrow. She will not be leaving my side. My boss is offering me the ability to stay home with her during the course of everything.
If a further update is requested at a later time, I will. But I can't for right now. I don't have the mental capacity.
Thank you, everyone, for assuring me I did the right thing and advising medical council. I feel like a horrible mom for not doing so sooner, but will put that aside for now to care for my daughter.
🔴🔴🔴🔴🔴
[NEW UPDATE Dec 18th](https://www.reddit.com/user/hidinabottle/comments/zpei7b/update_aita_for_looking_into_professional/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=android_app&utm_name=androidcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=share_button)
[Original Post ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/zi5hwt/aita_for_looking_into_professional_babysitter_for/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=android_app&utm_name=androidcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=share_button)
I want to start by saying thank you so very much for everyone's kind words and advice. It's been an insane week since I had posted and I have no idea how it would be if I hadn't followed the advice of everybody here.
As I had updated on the previous post, I followed the advice of the comments and took Allison to her pediatrician for an emergency appointment. I had thought it was a bad diaper rash she had come home with four weeks ago, and last week learned it was chemical burns.
Following that update, both my pediatrician and all of you pushed for me to get the police involved. I didn't have to be asked twice. Tom and Skylar are being investigated by the police for what they did to Allison.
I don't know a lot yet, but I was told that Tom and Skylar would in no way win the case. Tom was apparently unemployed the whole time and his "job" was maintaining a website he and Skylar made documenting what they were doing with Allison and two other children. The website has been taken down already, and the other parents are being investigated as well due to evidence of consent.
A detective also informed me that Tom and Skylar had admitted guilt to their actions (I haven't been told what the actions were, but my husband knows and he has said that Tom and Skylar were lucky the police found them first). They have provided the items in which were used. I was told the burns likely came from a lubricant that Tom and Skylar used. I didn't ask why they had it, and I'm praying it was intended as a Desitin substitute. Probably naive of me.
Allison is still home with me, and my husband and I are looking into a multitude of therapy options. We are also looking into moving back to where our families are. Or my brother moving in with us to help us ground ourselves to reality again. My MIL has already booked a hotel nearby and is with us every day to help us make sure Allison knows she is safe and loved. I wish she could talk and understand that we won't let anything happen to her again, but for now I will settle with holding her when she needs me, and rubbing her back when she goes to sleep.
Life will not be the same moving forward for a while and I know that. I am just beyond thankful that I posted and everybody here was able to point out the red flags and concerns so that I could make the right choice for my daughter. I was blinded by 15 years of friendship and couldn't fathom that they had intentionally hurt my baby girl. I see that now and will forever carry that with me, as it was a failure on my part to protect my daughter. The rose colored glasses are off now.
Thank you to everybody here for helping me and my family.
**Your reposter here. I wanted to add this comment from u/Erininium about a book on safety tips:**
>I got a book about safety to read to my kids (all about don’t go anywhere with a stranger, your private parts are private, safe grown ups don’t ask you to keep secrets from your parents, etc) and it has a section of tips for parents. One of them covers behavior to watch out for that might indicate that another adult is a predator. And two of the signs are offering to watch your child for free, and trying to get alone time with your child. Alarm bells were ringing in my head from the beginning of the post!
>For any parents out there, the book is called “Super Duper Safety School: Safety Tips for Kids and Grown-Ups.” Well worth the $14 I paid as my 5yo can now recite all the “safety rules” by heart!
**Reminder! DO NOT COMMENT ON THE ORIGINAL POST OR MESSAGE THE OOP** | 6,102 | 2022-12-18T01:47:13 | OP No Longer Wants Her Friends To Babysit (AITA Dec 10, '22) | ONGOING | KittenDealinMama | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/zomsji/op_no_longer_wants_her_friends_to_babysit_aita/ | false | false | [
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zon5bo | **I am NOT OP. Original post by u/vantablack_crayon in r/RBI**
---
&nbsp;
[**My neighbor is having their Amazon packages delivered to my apartment**](https://www.reddit.com/r/RBI/comments/x4dhdk/my_neighbor_is_having_their_amazon_packages/) - 02 September 2022
I was wondering if someone here might have an idea of why my neighbor is doing this.
I need to start out by saying that the lamination or whatever is covering the walkway outside my apartment door is loose/peeling and its very noisy when you walk on it. It's literally impossible to walk over it quietly. My girlfriend and I try to "sneak in" to the apartment if we know the other is home, but we are never able to.
I work from home most of the time, so I'm usually home when packages get dropped off. A few days after my neighbor moved in, I heard another set of foot steps approach the door very soon (like less than a minute) after the packages were delivered then walk away still trying to be quiet. I thought someone had stolen a package, but after checking with my girlfriend, nothing was missing. This kept happening two or three times a week, always on weekdays. The problem is in the afternoons when delivery drivers get to our complex, I'm usually on zoom calls for work, so I can't get up and go to the door to see what's going on. I do know it is always Amazon packages as I can see the delivery truck parking spot from the window next to my desk.
Around two weeks after it started, I was not on a zoom call when I heard packages get dropped off. I saw out the front window that it was our new neighbor taking the packages. By the time I got dressed, he was back in his apartment, so I knocked on the door and explained the situation and asked if his packages had been being delivered to our apartment by mistake. He said he had no idea what I was talking about.
I brought it up to the land lord, but after hearing that we weren't missing any packages, he just shrugged it off with a "Huh that's weird". I called the local police station. The officer I spoke to said I could come to the station and file a report if I wanted to, but there wasn't much they could do about especially since we weren't missing any packages. He seemed to think it was just the Amazon driver delivering to the wrong place.
A couple days ago I happened to be free and near the door when I heard some packages being dropped off. My girlfriend and I weren't expecting anything, so I knew that the neighbor would be coming to pick it up. I looked out the peep hole, and sure enough, less than a minute after the packages were dropped off, he came walking up. I opened the door right as he was bending over to pick up the package. He looked at me, grabbed the package and started walking very quickly back to his apartment. I asked what he was doing taking a package from our door step. He said he had brought the package in from his car even though I literally just saw him take it from our door step. He wouldn't stop to talk to me. I followed him and asked to see the package to see who it was addressed to and what the apartment number was, but he kept saying he had brought the package in himself. He went back into his apartment and wouldn't answer his door when I knocked.
In hindsight I should have taken the package before he arrived to look at the shipping label and force him to knock on my door and ask if I received the package. I'll be doing this the next time I'm able to.
I'm confused as to why he is doing this. I've chatted with him a few times and heard him chatting with other neighbors, and he doesn't strike me as someone so socially awkward they couldn't explain that his packages keep getting delivered to my apartment for some reason.
I thought that he might be getting less than legal things delivered, so he didn't want them going to his address (I don't see how getting such packages delivered next door would be any better though). However, the packages are always delivered by Amazon delivery. I could be wrong on this, but I think that anything delivered by Amazon delivery is fulfilled by Amazon themselves, so it's not some possibly sketchy 3rd party delivering.
Is there something I'm missing here? No real harm is being done, I think, but not knowing why he is doing this is bugging me.
Edit: Thanks for all the advice, everyone, it's much appreciated. I've contacted my landlord as well as the company that owns the apartment complex by email and let them know what's going on. I went into the police station and filed a report as well. I let my boss know what's going on and they gave me permission to step away in the middle of our zoom meetings when I hear packages being delivered, so I can grab my neighbor's package the next time one is dropped off at my apartment. I plan to contact my city's post office on Monday, but I don't know if this falls in their jurisdiction since Amazon is the courier. I will make an update post when I learn more.
&nbsp;
[**Update: My neighbor is having their Amazon packages delivered to my apartment**](https://www.reddit.com/r/RBI/comments/xli6i1/update_my_neighbor_is_having_their_amazon/) - 22 September 2022
Here is the original post for those interested: https://old.reddit.com/r/RBI/comments/x4dhdk/my_neighbor_is_having_their_amazon_packages/
Hi all. Sorry it's been a while without an update, but nothing much has happened. After I made my previous post, my neighbor had 2 more package delivered. I'm guessing he had already ordered them and they were in transit when I caught him red handed taking a package from my door step.
The packages had different names on them, neither one of them matched the name my neighbor gave me when we introduced ourselves. He didn't come to my door looking for the packages either. I kept them, but I didn't open them. One box was small and light and the other was larger, fairly heavy and I'm guessing it contains multiple items.
As I mentioned in an edit to the post, I had filed a police report on the situation. I was contacted earlier this week by my local police department and a detective came out to my apartment to ask me some questions. He wouldn't give me any solid answers on the nature of the investigation, but he was clearly very interested in my neighbor. I'm guessing my neighbor is suspected of some form of fraud like many people suggested in my previous post. I handed off the two packages mentioned earlier to the detective as well.
So that's where things stand right now. Nothing big or exciting going on so far. If anything else comes up, I'll make another update.
###Comments
[On catching neighbor:](https://www.reddit.com/r/RBI/comments/xli6i1/update_my_neighbor_is_having_their_amazon/ipkaz6a/)
>OP you said you caught your neighbor red handed. What was his reaction? What did you say?
>> **OOP: I opened my door and he was standing on my door step already. He made eye contact with me, bent down and picked up a package and started to walk away. I asked him what he was doing and he said he had brought that package in from his car. I asked to see the shipping label to see where it was meant to be shipped, but he still insisted he had brought the package in himself. He evaded every question I asked until he got back into his apartment. Then he wouldn't answer the door when I knocked.**
[Informing Amazon:](https://www.reddit.com/r/RBI/comments/xli6i1/update_my_neighbor_is_having_their_amazon/ipkaz6a/)
> Thanks for updating! Did Amazon agree to stop sending packages without your name to your address?
>> **OOP: I contacted Amazon, but I got the run around for nearly an hour and a half. Everyone I talked to originally thought I was complaining about having my packages stolen. It took each of them a while to grasp the situation, and every time I was transferred to someone else who could supposedly help, but it always meant I had to explain the situation all over again. In the end nothing was resolved.**
>>> You have to ask for a US based phone room, you can request it, then ask for the fraud department. It's really hard to handle complicated issues with people who speak English as a second or third language on a phone line.
>>>> **OOP: I will try this. Even though he seems to be done shipping things to my address, I'd rather cover my bases.**
&nbsp;
[**Update: My neighbor is having their Amazon packages delivered to my apartment**](https://www.reddit.com/r/RBI/comments/ysvl5w/update_my_neighbor_is_having_their_amazon/) - 11 November 2022
So it's been a bit without any new info. However, today I heard a commotion outside my door and stepped out to see my Landlord and the maintenance guy at my neighbor's door. The Landlord was pounding on it for a good 5 minutes, but my neighbor didn't answer. The maintenance guy opened up the door and they went inside. I waited around for a while until I could catch the maintenance guy alone and asked him what was going on. He said that my neighbor hadn't paid this month's rent, so the Landlord went to collect, but he wasn't there. It looks like he skipped out on his lease and moved out. The maintenance guy said, "He didn't take everything, but he definitely moved out." I don't know how long he has been gone. Other than the times he came to my door to pick up packages, he was a very quiet person.
I don't have any update as far as the criminal investigation into my neighbor goes. I haven't been contacted by the police, and I don't know if it's really ok just to call them up and ask them about on ongoing investigation.
I guess that's all we're going to get from this mystery. Unless there's some way in California for citizens to stay updated on police investigations.
Thanks for all the interest and sorry it's been so long since the last update.
&nbsp;
**Reminder - I am not the original poster.** | 5,067 | 2022-12-18T02:04:47 | OOP is receiving Amazon packages he's not ordering. A Prime suspect reveals themselves. | CONCLUDED | star_eater | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/zon5bo/oop_is_receiving_amazon_packages_hes_not_ordering/ | false | false | [
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zonqxd | [removed] | 1 | 2022-12-18T02:34:46 | thought you guys should know. | NEW UPDATE | Miserable-Evidence15 | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/zonqxd/thought_you_guys_should_know/ | false | false | [
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zoqfn4 | [removed] | 1 | 2022-12-18T04:57:42 | OOP Demands Her Brother Be Invited To Her Daughter's Wedding, and Then Things Get Very Dark | CONCLUDED | JJOkayOkay | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/zoqfn4/oop_demands_her_brother_be_invited_to_her/ | false | false | [
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zoqo86 | [removed] | 1 | 2022-12-18T05:10:27 | OP thinks she can dictate how others live their life | INCONCLUSIVE | DiligentCress | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/zoqo86/op_thinks_she_can_dictate_how_others_live_their/ | false | false | [
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zor0g4 | I'm not the OOP. This was posted by a now deleted user in r/trueoffmychest.
[Original](https://www.reddit.com/r/TrueOffMyChest/comments/y24pxc/ive_fallen_in_love_with_the_husband_of_the_women/) (13 Oct 22)
**I've fallen in love with the husband of the women my husband is cheating on me with**
I'm so sorry. there are a lot of errors in the title and the text. while I think my English is pretty awesome. its not perfect. so sorry for any confusion
&#x200B;
this is going to be a long post. will do my best to make it short. I found this sub on a podcast. maybe I can find comfort about what've been weighing me down for almost a year now
&#x200B;
I'm (f36) and my husband is (m38). we have been together for 10 years. we have one daughter who's (f6). she's everything to me. I found out a year ago that my husband is sleeping with his employee (f30) , how? her husband, let's call him J (m35) contacted me. he was heartbroken and he thought that I ought to know. he provided me with text messages and dated when they've been in hotels. I recognized my husbands style and I recognized the other woman. I have seen her on multiple occasions when I visited my husband at work. she'd been nothing but kind and pleasant towards me and she always doted on my daughter.
&#x200B;
I asked J what he wanted to do an he said that he wasn't sure yet so I requested that we should meet. He agreed. I told him about my life and that I'm currently not working after the pandemic I lost my job and now the economy I haven't really had any opportunity to find job. instead I've been studying these past 2 years. if I divorce now I won't be able to provide for my daughter. that would probably put her in my husband's custody as a primary provider. I asked him if he could wait for a few months, hopefully longer therefore and to my surprised he agreed. I thanked him profusely but he told me that he didn't know what to do either so he's happy to wait. also, the other woman has 3 children from a previous relationship and he was worried that she would refuse him being in their lives once he confronted her because hes not the father.
&#x200B;
we kept in touch however. he called me a few times a week and soon we started to talk about other things other than our failed marriages. afterwards we started going for walks, coffee movies etc. I found myself thinking about him often with a smile on my face. he was the first thing I thought of in the morning and the last thing I thought of before going to bed. for the last 3-4 months we probably mentioned our spouses one or twice. we talk about everything else. and he always makes me laugh (he thinks I'm funny too :))
&#x200B;
2 weeks ago we were having a picnic and he just blurted out "I think that I'm in love with you". when he then explained himself it just drove the point home that I also am in love with him. he said that at first he wasn't sure why he was feeling like this towards me and explained it away as two jilted people finding comfort in each other but that he then realized that he wasn't broken anymore. that he even thinks of his wife's infidelity as a blessing because it lead him to me. that was exactly how I felt too. I didn't know what to say. I told him that I'm terrified that these are false feelings that would go away once we've freed ourselves from those who hurt us. he just beamed at me and said he was willing to take the risk just to find out. he kissed my hand because I thought we were still married and if we did something then how are we better than our SO?
&#x200B;
I don't know what to do now. I find myself daydreaming about him. about introducing him to my daughter. kiss him. wake up next to him every morning. I still have one semester left and then I'm probably going to find a job. I've already had some offers for when Im finished with my studies. I have thanked J so many times for being so patient with me about everything. I appreciate that hes waiting for me to put my life in order before we expose our spouses who aren't really seeing each other as often as they used to do. he told me hes happy to help and he just wants a real kiss as a thank you when everything is over.
&#x200B;
my goal now is to secure my job and leave this marriage. am I pathetic for wanting to give J and I a shot and see where it would go? can two broken hearts really find happiness together when their love story started like ours?
[Update 1](https://www.reddit.com/r/TrueOffMyChest/comments/yamc5c/j_and_i_have_decided_not_to_see_each_other/) (22 Oct 22)
**J and I have decided not to see each other anymore. (I am in love with the husband of my husband's affair partner)**
Hi again! This is not an update. Since nothing new has happened in my life. But I’ve been feeling so down lately and my emotions are all over the place. Hopefully this post will help me sort out my feeling. I’m sorry if you find it confusing but this is how I’m feeling right now. Confusion. Also, I’m sorry, but it’s going to be a long and bumpy ride like my last one.
I’m still busy with my studies. Especially now so close to the holidays. Thereafter I’m going to have a break until January 16 and the start of my last semester. I have got two job offers. One with unpaid internship starting in April. I like this job very much since I would be working from my laptop most of the days the other one is more of an in office job but with better pay. I don’t know how the custody arrangement is going to be but I feel like a job with more flexible hours is a better fit for me.
The reason why I’m writing now is that J and I met yesterday. If you remember my last, we decided not to see each other (at least not as often) since the “I love you” talk. We did good keeping that promise, but we still saw each other once since I wrote here and we continued texting and calling each other on a daily basis. Yesterday we met on J’s initiative. When I got to the park, to our usual meeting spot, J was already there. He had flowers, coffee and cake (I love cake!) and he told me that we’re going to have a little celebration. He said that today was the day we first met a year ago. Yes, it was. I remember that day very well, it was raining then too but it was much much gloomier. I remembered how broken and desperate I was. The feeling that my world had ended. We talked a lot about the progress we made and how much stronger we both felt now. He told me he loved me and it was all I could do not to just fuck everything and jump into his arms. He is so lovely.
When I got home my husband had already picked up our daughter and they were just joking around and having fun. I felt so much sadness and pure horror building up inside me. What am I doing? What are we doing? All of us? The guilt that washed over me seeing my daughters happy face playing around with her food. I couldn’t take it.
My husband and the other woman haven’t texted at all this month, and they haven’t met either or at least as far as J and I know. Of course, they work together so we don’t know if the affair has subsided or that they just have learned to be more cautious but my husband has been more attentive at home. Warmer and more present. He says he loves me all the time and that he misses me. I haven’t been intimate with him since I found out about the affair and even the smallest touch from him irks me, and any beautiful word or compliment from him sets my teeth on edge. I just want to scream LIAR and I feel like I’m cheating on J accepting my husband’s affection and the disdain for myself becomes unbearable(make this make sense! please!).
I looked at my husband and tried to remember what I loved about him but I couldn’t. All I could see is his texts to her, about how great last time was and what he wanted to do to her next. All the things he once said he wanted to do and did to me that made me feel so special. I tried to think harder about the love, but all I saw was J’s face. I felt immense rage and hatred towards my husband but also towards myself and J. My husband because he broke us and brought this mess upon us and myself because I felt that I wasn’t trying hard enough with my heart occupied with someone else. Have I just given up so easily because I loved J? And my daughter? She is the one who’s going to pay the hard price of seeing her home break because daddy is a selfish, greedy cheater and mommy isn’t trying hard enough to save her marriage when she is pining for another man. I couldn’t control my feelings of anger and resentment and guilt so I wrote J a long text telling him all this and more. He tried to call me but I couldn’t answer him. My heart was swollen in my throat. I told my husband that I wanted sleep in my daughter’s room tonight, something I’ve been doing a lot since this all started. I cried all night watching her beautiful face so peaceful and happy.
This morning J called me again and we talked for over an hour. He was very subdued and I heard the fear in his voice. He told me that he respected my wishes in taking a break from each other but also to remember that even when I was at my weakest I still knew exactly what I wanted and that I chose to stay to secure a future for myself and my daughter “You’re too close now to your goal just to stumble and fall”. He said he loved me and that he never felt like this before. And that he will wait. I cried for a good hour afterwards already missing his voice. I know that my marriage is unsalvageable and I that I’m doing the right thing leaving it even with the nagging feeling of guilt that’s simmering beneath the surface, boiling over every now and then waking me up at night but I need to do this alone now. I want to look back with no regrets. The guilt will probably never going to go away entirely but at least it won’t have J’s face now he’s not in the picture anymore.
So that’s what’s been up with my life. I told you that it wasn’t an update really and I’m sorry that it is long and confusing but that’s all I have right now.
Edit -
# I'm not staying in my marriage.
***I don't know if my English is this bad or if people don't bother reading long boring rants. I apologize for both but I'm floored because of the amount of comments and attacks on me as a person and a mother for "staying with my cheating husband"***
***Please tell me where did I say I was staying? I broke it off with J yes, but it wasn't because I'm going back to my husband. Again, WHERE DID I WRITE THAT I WAS STAYING WITH MY HUSBAND?***
[Update 2](https://www.reddit.com/r/TrueOffMyChest/comments/ynwxc1/j_has_now_left_his_wife_a_short_update/) (6 Nov 22)
**J has now left his wife (a short update)**
Hi everyone! I know! I had a dramatic episode last time I was here and swore not to update again but I'm a woman I can change my mind if I want to. Last time I was overwhelmed by the amount of comments and messages about me being a bad mother and I just couldn't take it so I freaked out on you but today I have a little update, it's not about me. It's about J
J's mom is sick, she lives in another city about 7-8 hours drive away. J went to visit her and he texted me before going (he apologized for texting me because we weren't suppose to keep in touch anymore but he wanted me to know he was out of town). I drove over there on Thursday because it sounded like it was serious. I arrived to the hospital around noon. He looked miserable. His mother isn't even old she is 58. My heart is breaking. I could only stay for an hour before heading back home. I feel so guilty leaving him alone. His sisters live across the world and they won't be able to fly home before Christmas.
On Friday, J came home and broke off his marriage. I don't know all the details but he didn't mention to her that he knew bout her infidelity. Just that he wasn't happy anymore didn't want to be married to her. He texted me and thanked me for visiting him and his mother and told me about him filing for a divorce from his wife. He is moving back to his home town to be with his mother. He left yesterday but he will be back once more to get the rest of his stuff.
Even though I understand him and even if I wasn't seeing him anymore, the city feels empty and gloomy without him.
[Update 3](https://www.reddit.com/r/TrueOffMyChest/comments/zive6j/i_have_told_my_husband_that_i_know_about_his/) (11 Dec 22)
**I have told my husband that I know about his affair and that I’ve been working towards leaving him for the past year**
Hi again!
I'm sorry I deleted my account. I'm very new to this and I just could't handle the criticism I was getting so I deleted my account. I have understood now that the internet doesn't owe me politeness and people will say their opinion because I put myself out there and that makes it, I guess, ok for people to say hurtful things because I CHOSE to share my story. I have learned that I could deactivate all private communication, so if you have something nasty to say, be brave and put it in the comments instead :), Although I'm hoping for less amount of negative comments this time since people were mainly angry that I was taking my time to leave my husband. Thankfully, while my account is deleted I still, with some digging found my original posts. I have included them here to those who haven't followed my story.
I'm still going strong with my studies, and as I said I have secured a job in April with decent salary that will increase with 30% once I graduate 2 months later. I have also signed a lease on an apartment that is a few blocks away from my daughters school. You can't imagine the happiness I was in when I found the apartment but most importantly that they accepted my bad credit, having not had income for over 2 years now. My new job contract and "reference" was enough, and I have to pay for 3 months ahead. I get the keys April 1st too! I still need to talk to a lawyer I just don't want to throw my money before it is getting closer and I need the help. I have found nonprofit org for women that I could call and ask for information and advice. I'm not really in an abusive marriage but they have experience of all sorts of marital and divorce problems.
As I stated, since I found out that my husband was cheating on me, our sex life died. In the beginning my husband didn't seem bother about it, probably, no certainly because he had someone else, someone new but with time (it has been over a year now and god it has been the longest and yet shortest year of my life), with time he started to show me affection again, trying to get intimate with me. I avoided him like the plague. He never pressured me but he was getting upset and I felt him getting frustrated. I think his affair had died out by then, or maybe it wasn't as fun and exciting for them? I don't know, I'm not an expert on affairs.
For over 2 months now he has been trying to open the subject of our non-existent sex life but I just told him that I didn't have a drive, or that I was busy, this being my last year of my studies. I have been able to keep him at bay and while my explanations and excuses were't making him happy they were good enough to keep him away, that until about a week ago when he wanted to discuss this seriously. I told him again that I was busy and that my sex drive is very low (it is), he said that it wasn't just the sex. We had no intimacy, he barely is allowed to be near me, I never talk to him anymore, like I don't make an effort anymore. I asked him if we could just wait until after the holidays because I'm too busy (And I didn't want to ruin it for our daughter who loves Christmas). He then said something that triggered every nerve on my body. Something like it was not healthy for a marriage when one partner neglects the other because then you start looking somewhere else. I just said that it wasn't true because he started sleeping with (her name) way before I started "neglecting him". He was in total shock. First he tried to know more, maybe he misheard me, then he started to deny it, then made excuses, then started apologizing, then he started asking for details, and what my plans were. When I told him about me getting a job and an apartment, he started pleading trying to hold me.
Now this past week, he's tried to talk to me every day and I have been calm with him. He had so many questions. Why didn't I tell him before, at least he could have explained. She meant nothing to him. The relationship ended. He had no feeling for her. It was just physical. He loved me and nobody else. Think about our daughter. He regretted what he did and that's why he ended it. Why was I not more upset? I told him that I had mourned us for a year and that I'm over it now. He still thought this was unfair because this is all new to him.
I told him about my job, my new place and I asked him to be patient with me and to think about our daughter and put her first in whatever is coming. He was so angry by that and told me that if I thought about our daughter for a second I would have confronted him there and then. Be honest. We could have tried to fix it with therapy and some effort because he never loved anyone like he does me and he would drop everything else to try and make it right with me. But I chose secrecy, plotting and planning my life without him while pretending everything was fine (did I though?). I started crying and begged him that however angry he is with me, not to take it out in a way that affect our daughter. I told him that I did all of this for her, I didn't want her to see us fight, I didn't want to leave without having the means to offer her a good life.
Now he is so angry with me all the time. He barely looks my way. He is still sweet with our daughter though and that is comforting. I sleep in my daughters room most nights. I never meant for it to blow up this soon but you can spend your whole time planning and preparing the perfect exit but life has never been predictable. I don't regret my outburst. Maybe it was time anyway. I will continue communicating with him about the importance of staying civil to each other. He is angry now and he feels cheated and deceived and I get all that but I need him to put aside the hurt and think of our daughter, just like I did. And just like I did, he will get over the pain in time.
Sorry again for the long post and for the grammar
&#x200B;
**edit: J is in the process of divorce too. He has moved back to his home town because his mother is very ill Im afraid 😞 His sisters live in Australia but they have both come home so it feels good that he and his Mother are not alone. I have visited them 3 times since I heard the sad news but he lives far away so I haven’t be able to stay for long periods to support them. We talk over the phone every morning though. He is devastated** 😣💔
**edit2: No, I haven’t told my husband about J nor am I gonna. If by any chance J and I end up together, then everyone will know including my husband but we are not will telling my husband or anybody about how J and I met. We have decided that long ago when we were dreaming about our future together that we wouldn’t tell our exes how we met. It is for the best for anyone involved. I’m keeping this promise. It is nobody’s business but ours.**
**We don’t know what the future hold. J lives in another town, 8 hours drive away. We haven’t talked about “us” in ages. We have a lot going on in our lives separately. All I care about now is his mom doing better or at least not suffer.**
**Reminder - I'm not the OOP** | 5,531 | 2022-12-18T05:29:40 | [New Update] I've fallen in love with the husband of the woman my husband is cheating on me with. | ONGOING | prettiergenghis | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/zor0g4/new_update_ive_fallen_in_love_with_the_husband_of/ | false | false | [
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zospsf | [removed] | 1 | 2022-12-18T07:15:27 | "Buy Now Pay Later Ruined Everything... I'm now $56,000 in high-interest debt" | NEW UPDATE | olderchangkee | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/zospsf/buy_now_pay_later_ruined_everything_im_now_56000/ | false | false | [
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zotcwu | [removed] | 1 | 2022-12-18T07:58:35 | Girlfriend(24) gave me(19m) an ultimatum on marriage | CONCLUDED | [deleted] | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/zotcwu/girlfriend24_gave_me19m_an_ultimatum_on_marriage/ | false | false | [
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zotflb | [removed] | 1 | 2022-12-18T08:02:47 | Girlfriend(24) gave me(19m) an ultimatum on marriage | CONCLUDED | [deleted] | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/zotflb/girlfriend24_gave_me19m_an_ultimatum_on_marriage/ | false | false | [
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zotmza | [removed] | 1 | 2022-12-18T08:16:06 | Girlfriend(24) gave me(19m) an ultimatum on marriage | INCONCLUSIVE | [deleted] | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/zotmza/girlfriend24_gave_me19m_an_ultimatum_on_marriage/ | false | false | [
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zov14n | [removed] | 1 | 2022-12-18T09:48:47 | Girlfriend(24) gave me(19m) an ultimatum on marriage | CONCLUDED | [deleted] | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/zov14n/girlfriend24_gave_me19m_an_ultimatum_on_marriage/ | false | false | [
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zoyut4 | [removed] | 1 | 2022-12-18T13:39:44 | Official Porsche NFT public/free Ethereum mint now live. 1000 hand drawn sketches with tangible benefits for Porsche owners. Interesting at least. | CONCLUDED | Ilikecheese2468 | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/zoyut4/official_porsche_nft_publicfree_ethereum_mint_now/ | false | false | [
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zoz05q | [deleted] | 69 | 2022-12-18T13:47:08 | My mom took my cheating ex girlfriend's side over mine and I can never forgive her. | ONGOING | [deleted] | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/zoz05q/my_mom_took_my_cheating_ex_girlfriends_side_over/ | false | false | [
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zozfsi | [removed] | 1 | 2022-12-18T14:08:24 | Girlfriend(24) gave me(19m) an ultimatum on marriage | INCONCLUSIVE | [deleted] | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/zozfsi/girlfriend24_gave_me19m_an_ultimatum_on_marriage/ | false | false | [
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zp01ag | [removed] | 1 | 2022-12-18T14:38:01 | Official Porsche NFT public/free Ethereum mint now live. 1000 hand drawn sketches with tangible benefits for Porsche owners. Interesting at least. | CONCLUDED | Ares_9225 | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/zp01ag/official_porsche_nft_publicfree_ethereum_mint_now/ | false | false | [
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zp0fjq | [removed] | 1 | 2022-12-18T14:57:16 | Girlfriend(24) gave me(19m) an ultimatum on marriage | INCONCLUSIVE | [deleted] | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/zp0fjq/girlfriend24_gave_me19m_an_ultimatum_on_marriage/ | false | false | [
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zp0j35 | [removed] | 1 | 2022-12-18T15:01:38 | Girlfriend(24) gave me(19m) an ultimatum on marriage | INCONCLUSIVE | [deleted] | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/zp0j35/girlfriend24_gave_me19m_an_ultimatum_on_marriage/ | false | false | [
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zp0lv8 | [removed] | 1 | 2022-12-18T15:05:28 | Girlfriend(24) gave me(19m) an ultimatum on marriage | INCONCLUSIVE | [deleted] | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/zp0lv8/girlfriend24_gave_me19m_an_ultimatum_on_marriage/ | false | false | [
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zp0x7a | [removed] | 1 | 2022-12-18T15:20:57 | Girlfriend(24) gave me(19m) an ultimatum on marriage | INCONCLUSIVE | [deleted] | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/zp0x7a/girlfriend24_gave_me19m_an_ultimatum_on_marriage/ | false | false | [
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zp15q8 | Trigger Warning - >!grooming!<
Mood spoiler - >!Ick!<
**I am NOT OP. Original post by** [u/Significant\_Duty1497](https://www.reddit.com/u/Significant_Duty1497/) **in** [r/relationship\_advice](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/)
[Girlfriend(24) gave me(19m) an ultimatum on marriage](https://reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/zi0yly/girlfriend24_gave_me19m_an_ultimatum_on_marriage/) \- December 10th, 2022
I've been dating this girl, Ali, for nine months, and she told me recently that she wants to get married before she is 25, which is next year in April, and if I don't put that ring on, she will find someone else. I love her and really think she's the one, but my friends say that I can't know someone's true self in that short period of time and that it's not a good idea to get married while I am still in college. But I am graduating in 2024, so I don't think that matters. Would it be a mistake to get married so early in our relationship, or does it not matter?
P.s - We have talked about marriage, religion and kids and were on the same page, but we have never lived together which might be a problem.
I have already posted this before but i left out some context. I think that why alot of people misunderstood our relationship.
We've known each other since I was 13 and she was about 18, so it's not like we've only known each other for 9 months. I've always admired and liked her, and we've liked each other for a long time, but she didn't want to lose being my sister's best friend, so we waited until I was 18 to make things official. Second, she has been having difficulty seeing me go to parties and be surrounded by college girls, and she believes it is best to strengthen our relationship. And I don't mind marrying her; I feel like we're soul mates, but everyone I know says I'll be sorry. My sister doesnt really agree with our relationship and thinks she is weird. That the only reason why am hesitating, because she said my girlfriend is dead to her. I just want my sister to have time to warm up to our relationship before we take our next step but at the end of the day her approval shouldn’t matter.
**UPDATE:**
I guess with all of these comments and everyone in my life telling me I need to find myself without her, I can't really be delusional anymore especially since I made my case worse with the context. I talked to her and told her that I think we should take a break and focus on ourselves and she redrew the ultimatum, but I insisted that since she was my first everything, it was better for me to explore my options, plus I rejected a summer studyabroad opportunity for her, so I told her that I needed to take on more opportunities and find myself. We were both crying and she asked if we could be friends; I said I would think about it because I wasn't sure if that was a good idea.
***Relevant comments:***
*How they met*
"Me and my sister went into while they were having a sleepover. So she came into my room and told me she understood what I was saying and agreed that what happened (forgot what it was about, i think it was over the remote) (normal sibling banter) was unfair and that she would talk to my sister. She gave me her phone number and told me to call her when i was upset or need something.That was the first time we met, and after that we began texting, and she hung out in my room occasionally when she came for my sister but my sister wasn't there."
*Why they posted*
"I thought people on reddit would give me different perspective’s not say the same shit everyone else says. I just can’t believe that she will take advantage of me, like no matter how many times i read it here and hear it from the people in my life it just doesn’t click in my head that she would do that. Like am hearing all of these reasons but they all make no sense to me. I don’t know, I guess i will take some time to reflect before i speak to her again."
*where he lives*
"canada"
*Additional info*
"We didn't do anything sexual until I was 16, which is my country's consent age. She never took advantage of me; in fact, I was the one who courted her. Our age gap is only 5 years apart, My parents are like 10 years apart and they are very happy."
"Why is everyone acting like she 40 or something. She is also in her 20s, people are acting like she a pedophile, when she just 24."
"Me and my sister still have a relationship"
UPDATE 2 - [Shitty friends, Missing sister, Thinking about my ex](https://www.reddit.com/r/TrueOffMyChest/comments/zl7uyt/shitty_friends_missing_sister_thinking_about_my_ex/) \- December 14th 2022
Do you ever feel like you have shitty friends who treat you poorly but you'd rather they make a fool of you than leave you? I've been feeling like that lately, but at least I have my sister. We live in different states tho, and I don't want to call her because it will would seem that I only call her when I need something plus I would have to tell her she was right after being mean to her. I've been feeling sad and lonely since I broke up with my girlfriend, and it makes me want to run back to her, but I know that's not good for me in the longterm, I just really miss her. I don’t know why I thought leaving her would be easy. I am just feeling overall depressed. I'm not looking for advice; this is just a quick rant.
**EDIT** \- Thanks for the support; I don't know why this post is getting tension, but its whatever. I have talked to my sister, and I am staying with her for Christmas break instead of my parents. I am not Canadian; I am from the United States; I only said Canada because of their age of consent. I don't know why I lied; I knew if I said America, some of you would point out the consent age is illegal. But i guess i fucked that up by saying states instead of what ever you guys call yours.
Staying with my sister has made me feel so much better, she has really been good to me if though I said some harsh things to her in the past. I have been feeling extremely down but sometimes i feel better so it not a constant thing.
**Reminder - I am not the original poster.**
&#x200B;
&#x200B; | 5,973 | 2022-12-18T15:32:29 | Girlfriend(24) gave me(19m) an ultimatum on marriage | ONGOING | [deleted] | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/zp15q8/girlfriend24_gave_me19m_an_ultimatum_on_marriage/ | false | false | [
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zp2jzj | [removed] | 1 | 2022-12-18T16:37:53 | AITA for refusing to give my daughter back to her biological mother? | CONCLUDED | [deleted] | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/zp2jzj/aita_for_refusing_to_give_my_daughter_back_to_her/ | false | false | [
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zp4qnq |
I'm not the OOP. This was posted by u/expensive-sun-679 in r/trueoffmychest.
[Original](https://www.reddit.com/r/TrueOffMyChest/comments/zhuaxy/my_mom_took_my_cheating_ex_girlfriends_side_over/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=android_app&utm_name=androidcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=share_button) (10 Dec)
**My mom took my cheating ex girlfriends side over mine and i can never forgive her.**
Throwaway for privacy.
I was raised by single mom. my dad died 2 years after i was born. I focused on my career for the most part of my life and my mom supported me doing that. but when i was 20 i met my ex girlfriend and we got together. we were colleagues first but she told me she'd work in a different sector soon. in her new workplace she met a new guy who she fell "in love" with while being in a relationship with me.
i only found out because she admitted to have sex with him to me after she went out for "girls night" with her friends. i immediately broke up with her and threw her out. a few hours of me trying to process what happened my mum called me and shouted at me that she hasn't raised me like this. i was confused and asked what she meant and she said that my ex girlfriend accused me of cheating on her and that she "found prove" of that on my phone. i couldn't believe what i just heard.
i tried to talk to my mother telling her that the exact opposite is true and that she has cheated on me but she didn't believe me. part of the reason is probably because she and my mom truly loved each other. i never had a problem with that. till then i liked how they got along with each other. my mother called me a liar and she said she'd disinherit me from her will as she's not having a cheater as a son. she said she never wents to see me again. then later my grandparents called me to tell me how disappointed they are of me and that i deserve every bad thing that is to come. you know what the worst thing was? i found out that my cheating ex girlfriend continued to meet with my mom after everything she did.
all of this was so painful for me. the only person that sided with me was my best friend who was furious with her. i talked to him and he hugged me and i cried in his arms. i know many people would think thats unusual for two guys. but his support really helped me getting through this. one year later when i already was over it my doorbell rang and when i opened i saw my mom with teary eyes and i began to feel how my emotions are coming up and i slammed the door and started crying asking her what the f\*ck she wants here.
she said she wanted to talk to me and that she was so sorry. after she begged for 15 minutes straight i gave in and opened the door. she said my ex admitted that she cheated when she was drunk. she apologized profusely and said that she knows that she failed as a mother not believing her own child.
i told her that i accept her apology but i don't want to see her now and that i probably can never forgive her. even though she begged me to forgive her. over the last few months she started calling me daily "just to hear my voice" as she said. she said she missed me then apologized again and asked if i could just come over. her voice always sounded kinda painful and she always says how much she loves me and that even she could understand that i hate her she cannot live with this thought on her head. i don't even hate her. i still love her. she is still my mom but the trust is broken.
i can never trust her again because what if i got into a relationship again. who says that she wouldn't just believe their word over mine again? i appreciate her efforts but i just cannot forgive her or even see her now. and i hope she understands that i need time.
&#x200B;
Edit: Since TrueOffMyChest deleted my update i reposted it on my profile if you wanna see it.
[Update](https://www.reddit.com/user/Expensive-Sun-679/comments/zj01pb/update_my_mom_took_my_cheating_ex_girlfriends/) (11 Dec 22)
**Update: My mom took my cheating ex girlfriends side over mine and i can never forgive her.**
\*The original update on TrueOffMyChest was deleted and i don't know why. however i decided to post it here then.\*
Hi there!
After reading too many comments yesterday i decided to meet with my mom today to clarify everything. I texted her to come over and she didn't hesitate. she literally appeared at my door within 15 minutes.
many of you pointed out good points i should ask her. even though she called several times we rarely really talked. so when she came over i sat her down in the living room. there i asked about my grandparents, her will and if she is still in contact with my ex.
she explained that she had told my grandparents and she expected them to call me but it seems like they were too stubborn. she also said i'm in her will again. she then started talking shit about my ex. she said that when she found out she punched her so hard that my ex lost a few teeth. I very much doubt the accuracy of this story detail but i wanted to share it anyway because for me it was a funny thing to think about. she said she told her to "f\*ck off" and threw her out of the house.
she then again started apologizing profusely and telling me that she knows how hard she messed up and that i probably can never trust her but she wants to do "everything in her power" to make this right. she explained that the man before my father had cheated on her so infidelity was a sensitive topic for her. and then she said that she regrets not believing me or even remotely hearing my side of the story.
i sat quiet while she explained all this. i then asked her how i know that i could trust her now. what would happen if i got into a similiar situation and if she would just throw me away again. she said i have her word and i replied that her word is basically meaningless as i don't trust her in the first place.
she didn't reply to that answer properly and again begged me to forgive. i told her that i cannot forgive her for now and maybe i will never be able to forgive her but i also see her efforts and if she wants me in her life again then she has to show me that i can count on her. she started tearing up. i could tell she tried to hold in her tears the entire time. but then she broke down crying and with a wimpering voice she asked if she at least could give me a hug. i accepted that and she said she's gonna make this right no matter what it takes and then she left.
now while i am kinda touched in how she shows how much she regrets doing what she did i am really concerned about my own reaction. when she broke down and i saw my own mother there on the floor crying i didn't feel anything. i wasn't sad, i wasn't angry, i wasn't happy and i certainly didn't show any sort of empathy for her. i just couldn't. during the year of having no contact with her i refused to go to therapy. maybe its not to late to do that now.
in the end i want to thank all of you for your nice comments and support. i tried to read every single one of your comments but the post kinda exploded way more than i expected. have a nice day!
**Reminder - I'm not the OOP** | 6,913 | 2022-12-18T18:24:07 | My mom took my cheating ex girlfriend's side over mine and I can never forgive her. | ONGOING | prettiergenghis | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/zp4qnq/my_mom_took_my_cheating_ex_girlfriends_side_over/ | false | false | [
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zp5exw | [removed] | 1 | 2022-12-18T18:55:12 | I [M 32] ruined Christmas and I have no regrets. | REPOST | [deleted] | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/zp5exw/i_m_32_ruined_christmas_and_i_have_no_regrets/ | false | false | [
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zp6fro | **I am NOT OP. Original post by u/pwojacks in r/relationship_advice**
---
&nbsp;
[**I [M 32] ruined Christmas and I have no regrets.**](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/a9jdy7/i_m_32_ruined_christmas_and_i_have_no_regrets/) - 25 December 2018
Is anyone else’s family this dysfunctional? Every year there is an argument in my family and after 32 years I was the one who blew up for the first time.
Long story short, i’m half-Korean/half-white. My mom is Korean. My dad side is white. So we only have my Dad’s side here in the US. For years, I watched my some of my dad’s side speak down to my mom. They never invite her to things. Me and my brother have always been treated like outsiders by some family members. To be frank, I don’t care how i’m treated. Every year, we always bite our tongues and survive the holidays because it’s only 2-3 times a year. We repeat the process and don’t expect much from these family members. My mom even buys gifts every year for these family members, she gets nothing in return and never complains. My white Grandma is 80 and she’s the only thing anchoring us to some of these family members.
Three times today I watched a family member (Aunt) raise her voice to my mom, speak to her as if she doesn’t speak english and shut her down over simple questions like “where should I sit?”. I watched my mom quietly recoil and I couldn’t stand to see it again. This aunt does it the most and I finally blew up. I yelled so loud everyone stopped what they were doing. I told them enough is enough, to start treating my mom with respect and as an equal in this house. To stop speaking to my mom (who’s lived in the US for 35 years) like she doesn’t speak english and stop shutting her down over simple questions. I watched it happen year after year and will not allow it to happen anymore.
My Aunt stomped away and was so upset she left. As she was leaving I walked up to my aunt to hand her my mom’s yearly gift to her. I said “for 30 years I watched my mom give you a gift every year. I watched her speak to you as an equal with respect. I’ve never seen you treat her with the same”. She didn’t say anything but before she left, she apologized to my mom.
Before I left, I apologized to everyone and explained why I was upset. Everyone was shocked how mad I got. I felt like everyone understood why I was mad. Prior to this (around thanksgiving) I spoke to some family members about how I was hurt they never included my mom on family things or even texts about family emergencies. Which they have been trying to do more.
After blowing up, it made things awkward. People trickled out early too. Now my grandma is talking about not doing Christmas anymore due to the constant family drama. I feel bad, but i’ve never felt so proud to stand up for my mom. Does anyone have any advice on this? Handling rude family? Should I do something else?
**[Edit 12/26/2018: typos, wordiness and update below]**
Mom’s reaction: On the car ride home my mom expressed some words about my aunt which she never does about anyone. She’s always taken the high road it’s a very Korean Christian mom approach. My mom’s method of being a pacifist is very much an older Immigrant/Korean/boomer approach too. It’s taught me a valuable skill in life. I don’t regret picking my battles and that’s why i’m so appreciative of being Korean/white. After we left, she gave me a very long mom hug. She didn’t say anything and asked me if I wanted my favorite Korean dish.
Where is my dad: He was in the other room. Yes, my dad could have done more over the last 35 years. He’s gotten in arguments with everyone my whole life including this aunt. We’d be fighting every year with someone new if we didn’t pick our battles. We would have stopped going years ago but mom wants to go out of respect for my grandma. My dad is the only one who isn’t petty about dumb shit. Defending my mom is everyone’s responsibility not just my dad. Including my grandma, aunts, other family and me. As soon as I got loud my dad came into the room and stood guard (I can’t describe it). There wasn’t much for him to say or do because he didn’t hear it. I was quick to unload and my aunt immediately walked away because she was embarrassed. My white side has a “keep grandma” happy approach which is dumb. For years my dad would be on the verge of saying things and my mom would demand that he didn’t.
Me: Reflecting on this as a whole. I can’t believe the response. It shows you everyone has screwed up family in some way. After Thanksgiving I started to speak to family one on one which has had good response. I have no relationship with this aunt. I should have pulled her aside even as the nephew who’s 30 years younger. A small part of me regrets it and will be glad to sit down with her still. If she’s not willing to try or work it out (like the other people responded), “F*ck her”. Please don’t use my experience as a reason to blow up on anyone. I should have tried to speak and I did what I felt was right, I don’t regret it.. Grandma’s 80th Bday is in two months. I can’t wait for that to be awkward. Someone made the comment that people cant be educated until you give them a chance to be aware of their actions, which is fair. Regardless people will now think twice to be rude to my mom. Cheers and have a Happy New Years!
TLDR: After 32 years I finally blew up on a rude family member who disrespects my Korean mom and feeling liberated for standing up for something I’ve been feeling for years. How do people handle their dysfunctional family when your last grandparent is alive. Should I do something for blowing up?
&nbsp;
[**[Update] I [M 32] ruined Christmas and I have no regrets.**](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/efnn56/update_i_m_32_ruined_christmas_and_i_have_no/) - 25 December 2019
I wanted to update the kind people who took the time to give me advice and affirmation last Christmas when I really needed it. I wanted to provide an update how Christmas and the year went.
Long story short.. I’m half-Korean and half-white. My white family has always been rude to my mom and treats her as an outsider. Every year my mom brings gifts for everyone and gets nothing in return. She never causes drama but gets treated like crap and I think it’s because of their own biases. My white grandma is 80 and the last grandparent alive. She is the only reason we get together with them. After 32 years I finally blew up on a rude family member (my aunt) who disrespected my mom... with a few expletives. I blew up in front of the whole family demanding that the behavior needs to stop. My actions ended Christmas because everyone left quickly after. I felt liberated for standing up for something I’ve been feeling for years. Last year I was looking for advice on how to manage the fallout of what I did.
**UPDATE:** The year has been interesting.. Immediately after Christmas I sent an apology letter to my aunt. It went against some advice but my letter requested to not let the situation impact the family. I left the lack of any relationship in her hands and shared everything can change if she gives my mom a little more respect. I decided to send a letter because she lives three hours away and I’ve never spoken to her on the phone more than 30 seconds. I didn’t think a phone call would help or fix the situation, especially after I blew up.
After Christmas I apologized to my grandma for what I did. I let my grandma know I sent an apology letter to my aunt. My grandma told me she is and always wants my mom to feel like she is part of the family. I could tell my grandma was on the verge of crying when she said that. My grandma told me blowing up was not ok but understood why I did it. Hearing that felt really good.
In regards to the letter. I got no response. My aunt denied ever getting it. We know my aunt got the letter because when my grandma confronted her about last Christmas my aunt went into a rant about several things I mentioned in my letter. My grandma did tell my aunt what she did was wrong and she needed to change.
In February my aunt didn’t come to my Grandmas 80th birthday party. She told other family members she didn’t want to “cause an argument” so she didn’t want to come. My aunt didn’t come to my grandma’s on Mother’s Day dinner because she supposedly had to work. My family didn’t get together the rest of the year.
Thanksgiving and Christmas came. Things are not perfect but Thanksgiving and Christmas went really well this year. I was going to post after Thanksgiving but the gathering was smaller than usual and I wanted to see how Christmas went. During Thanksgiving and Christmas everyone was very kind to my mom. It felt like everything shifted. Everyone spoke to her differently and it feels really good. My mom got to help in the kitchen for the first time ever. I know that sounds dumb but my mom has always wanted to help cook because she loves to cook. It was the first time she didn’t spend the whole day in the living room.
At one point during Thanksgiving my mom asked me to help her dry dishes. While we were washing/drying dishes my mom was smiling the entire time. At one point my mom stopped putting dishes away and randomly hugged me. We laughed and had fun the entire time. No one argued. No nasty remarks. My mom was treated as an equal and it felt really good.
In regards to the aunt that I yelled at last year. She came late to Thanksgiving. So late, we were eating when she arrived. At Thanksgiving my mom did initiated the first interaction with my Aunt. She was not very conversational but polite to my mom. My aunt didn’t look at me the entire time. When she arrived I went to say hello and she turned away and kept her distance the entire time. She basically stated in a different room the entire time. She also left early and was the first to leave. The best part? I don’t care. I apologized and left future in her hands. If she treats my mom well she will get nothing but respect in return.
Christmas was as if nothing happened. My aunt didn’t really talk to me but she was incredibly nice to my mom. I’m ok with that. Both my parents said they have never seen my aunt so nice before. My mom got to help in the kitchen just like Thanksgiving. This year for the first time it felt like my mom was an equal in the family. Everyone was incredibly nice. No arguments, snide remarks or drama. I regret yelling but it changed everything. I think it put everyone on notice they need to change.
There was a lot of questions and comments about my dad. The comments was hard to hear but true. It helped me reflect on what my dad has/hasn’t done. The truth is my dad has been the glue of the family for years.. he spends so much time being the middle man and trying to repair issues. At times it’s been at the expense of my mom. Regardless, my dad’s lack of actions over the years doesn’t make it right. Over the summer I told my dad what I felt. I told him that I was disappointed in him and that his family has never been kind to my mom. I told him he should have done more. My dad didn’t take it well but he told me I did the right thing. My relationship with my dad is complicated. I know though I’m not going to make the same mistakes he has. We are different people and I will do whatever is needed.
If you’re reading this and have a similar situation. If you have people or someone rude in your family, try to take a moment to sit someone down. Hear them out and try to do the right thing from the start. When you have the convo, stay calm. If they are not willing to hear you.. then make it known. Blowing up could have gone either way and I’m lucky it fixed things. Try to loop in other family members before or after so they understand your reasons and can back you for your choice. My post last year gave me affirmation what I did was right, follow your heart.. it might fix years of issues.
TLDR: Last Christmas after witnessing years of rude behavior towards my Korean mom I blew up on a my aunt in front of the entire family. I demanded the behavior need to stop... with a few expletives. After I blew up it ruined Christmas. I tried to take the high road and apologize. The year was quiet and My aunt avoided the family until Thanksgiving/Christmas. Everything with my family has shifted and my mom is treated really well for the first time that I can remember. I’m glad I did what I did. Thank you for the advice.
**[Update: 2021]** Because of COVID, my grandma is in her 80s, and in declining health, we don’t do Holidays together. In early 2021 My brother and SIL moved back from Korea during COVID in 2020. We made Christmas amazing. My SIL is from Korea and we made Christmas amazing for her. We make her a full member of our family. We haven’t even seen my fathers side. Now we do Christmas with just my parents, no extended family. My parents cook Thanksgiving and Christmas together. I feel bad my Grandma celebrates with only one aunt (who looks after her). In some ways I’ve come realize she contributed to the dynamics too.
I truly love the holidays now. I’m now seeing someone and our families hang out. In some ways my mom gets to be the head female for the family, she doesn’t have to hide anymore.
&nbsp;
**Reminder - I am not the original poster.** | 6,395 | 2022-12-18T19:40:39 | I [M 32] ruined Christmas and I have no regrets. | REPOST | toohottooheavy | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/zp6fro/i_m_32_ruined_christmas_and_i_have_no_regrets/ | false | false | [
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zp6s01 | **I am NOT OP. Original post by u/billmuskrat in r/tifu**
---
&nbsp;
[** TIFU by telling my gf’s three older brothers about how rough their sister likes it**](https://reddit.com/r/tifu/comments/z9fw0s/tifu_by_telling_my_gfs_three_older_brothers_about/) - 12/2/22
TIFU by telling my gf’s three older brothers about how rough their sister likes it
GF (21f) will be moving in with me (29m) soon and just told her family about me this week. I’ll be having brunch with her parents soon but her brothers invited me over for beers at a dive bar tonight to get to know me.
Started off very formal with intros and us just getting to know each other. They weren’t very friendly and just and pretty much just grilled me for over 2 hours about how we met with her interning at my office, why we’re moving in together, blah blah blah. Finally got to a place where we’re just shooting the shit about current events and our lives.
Several beers deep and they’re finally starting to loosen up and we’re having a nice friendly banter going. One of her brothers starts talking about his ex and some of her harder appetites. In my drunken stupor I said “yeah man that’s nothing some girls really love for you to push them to their limits” so he laughed and asked what I meant and I said “ehh it’ll be weird if you guys know about that”.
We were all quiet and just looking at our drinks for like 45 seconds as they digested what I said and I’m realizing how fucking stupid I am. Whatever friendliness we were working up to is gone but now there’s this tense awkwardness. I offered to get the entire bill, they didn’t even thank me, and then we went our separate ways. GF is staying over tonight and she asked me when I got to my apt how it went because her family is super protective of her. I told her and she went white as a ghost. She’s still in disbelief over how stupid I am and said we’ll talk about it tomorrow.
TL;DR : met my GF’s 3 older brothers for the first time and drunkenly told them their youngest sibling likes it really hard.
UPDATE:
Once we were both up she wanted me to give her the full play by play on how the hell this actually happened. I told her in detail everything I remembered.
She called me an absolute idiot but I got her to laugh about it so I’m not in the dog house. She said she’s probably gonna avoid her brothers for a while because this is too awkward and embarrassing. She’s also grossed out they’d even bring up a topic like sex when they just met me.
I sent her oldest brother a text this morning “had fun, let’s do this again” and he liked the text so I might be ok with the brothers.
We’re meeting her parents tomorrow for brunch. She’s banned me from touching any alcohol when talking to her family. I was planning on being stone cold sober anyway. She said if I somehow inadvertently tell her parents about our sex life she’s going to stab me so additional motivation to be on my best behavior.
I’ve skimmed through some of the comments and a few of the PMs I’ve received so I wanted to touch on a few things.
- yes I know I’m stupid, this is TIFU. I’m not gonna post my brightest moment here. But thanks anyway for calling me stupid over and over again. I’m still shocked at how fucking dumb I was. Million ways I could’ve spun it and talked my way out of that hole but I just froze.
- I didn’t bring up the topic myself. I was several beers in and was just trying to go with the flow of the current topic of convo. Obviously blew up in my face.
- got some PMs calling me a pedo and a rapist. Makes zero sense given the definition of those two terms.
- yes she was an intern but she never reported to me. I had and have had interns report to me in the past and I kept those strictly professional. My gf and I just happened.
- why is she just telling her family about me now? She was nervous they wouldn’t approve and jump to conclusions like a lot of you have because we were still at the same firm. Now that she’s gotten a full time role at another company, we think it’s the right time.
I’m really hoping I don’t make a fool of myself with her parents and have to make another update.
&nbsp;
[** TIFU by telling my gf’s three older brothers about how rough their sister likes it [UPDATE]**](https://reddit.com/r/tifu/comments/zbfmbu/tifu_by_telling_my_gfs_three_older_brothers_about/) - 12/3/22
TIFU by telling my gf’s three older brothers about how rough their sister likes it [UPDATE]
Got a ton of well wishes on PMs (in addition to an equal amount of insults and rapist and pedophile accusations…) and a lot of you asked for an update on meeting her parents so I figured this would be easier instead of individual PMs back.
Got reservations to a nice place for brunch to finally meet her parents. Her oldest brother decided to join us too.
Overall the meeting went ok I think. Not my absolute best meet the parents situation but I was ready for the worst. When the waitress asked what we wanted to drink her brother ordered a mimosa and when she turned to me next asking if I’d like the same my gf answered for me and said I’ll just have water lol. Her brother laughed and said that’s probably for the best. Cheeky comment but I think he probably just finds the whole situation funny now.
Highlight was definitely my gf’s mother. She loved me, mid way through the meal when her brother got up to use the restroom she actually took his seat to sit next to me so we could talk more. Super affectionate and very sweet women. Even if every guy in her family hated me I think I’d be fine if I had her mother on my side since it seems like she’s really the one who calls the shots in the family. Invited me to spend Christmas with the family and I had no choice but to accept.
Her dad is a bit of a grump. Would’ve been an awkward and tense meal for sure if her mother wasn’t there. Asked me a lot of questions about me, my work, how we met, my family, friends, etc. One thing he touched on that I feel he wanted to grill the gf about was the timing of when we got together. I mentioned before that she’s only had one bf before that the whole family knew about. The bf was also Albanian so the dad probably liked him more I think. He was curious on when she ended it with him and we got together. Honestly it was pretty tight, they’d been long distance and hadn’t seen each other for close to 2 years when we started 9 months ago. Her mom immediately told him to cut it out and changed the subject.
Overall I’m pretty happy. She’s practically moved in already, I’m good with her family, my mom already loves her.
&nbsp;
**Reminder - I am not the original poster.** | 4,014 | 2022-12-18T19:55:37 | OP tells GF’s 3 older brothers how rough she likes it. | INCONCLUSIVE | TheKingofSafari | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/zp6s01/op_tells_gfs_3_older_brothers_how_rough_she_likes/ | false | false | [
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zp700h | **I am NOT OP. Original post from /r/TrueOffMyChest by u/LLostInDespair**
Fun animal fact: most Siamese kittens are born completely white and develop their markings in the weeks following birth. To tell the kittens apart, owners often paint their claws (which can't retract until they're about 4 weeks old) with pet-safe nail polish.
Trigger warnings: >!cheating, divorce!<
Mood spoilers: >!frustrating!<
---
&nbsp;
[**I didn’t react the right way to my husbands cheating prank and now our marriage is not the same. I don’t want a divorce over such a ridiculous thing.**](https://www.reddit.com/r/TrueOffMyChest/comments/wk4t41/i_didnt_react_the_right_way_to_my_husbands) – August 9th, 2022
[Recovered with Web Archive](https://web.archive.org/web/20220814162905/https:/www.reddit.com/r/TrueOffMyChest/comments/wk4t41/i_didnt_react_the_right_way_to_my_husbands/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf)
If you think we’re young then think again. I’m f35 and he’s m33 and I can’t believe this is really happening. I begged him to go to therapy with me but he’s refusing any type of conversation.
About a month ago while having Sunday breakfast. My husband left his iPad on the counter when I was doing the dishes and went to the gym (now I think about it he went out of his way to draw my attention to the iPad the whole morning placing it on display and leaving it wherever I was; now I know why). While I was loading the dishwasher he got a text and a picture of naked female torso and “you miss this?”. The number belonged to “Eve”. I froze in my tracks. We’ve been married for 2 years and we have two children together m5 and f3. Against my better judgment I started looking and there was this full conversation for over a week. He was cheating on me with this Eve.
I can’t describe the amount of pain I felt and I ran to the bathroom vomiting and crying, anyway when he got back from the gym and asked me what’s wrong I just handed him the iPad and told him that he has gotten a text from Eve and that I needed to go out for a walk if he could stay with the children. He said okay. I went for a 3h walk. He texted me multiple times if I was okay and I said that I was fine, just needed the walk. I don’t remember crying this much my entire life. When I got home I told him that I knew about his affair and asked him how we’re going to do this. *“do what?”*. I told him that we obviously can’t stay married but that I needed to know how we’re going to do this with the least damage possible to the children. I told him that since he has his parents living near he could move out and let me stay with the children for now until we separated.
*“Is that really all your reaction? Are you fucking serious right now??”*
I just looked at him all puzzled. *what did he mean by this?*. I told him that I couldn’t discuss this now because I was exhausted. He started yelling that I was so careless and cold. My reaction to his infidelity wasn’t the proper reaction or at least not the one he expected. He then shoved the IPad in my hands and asked me to call “eve”. I refused and ran to our room because I couldn’t believe how cruel he was being wanting me to call his mistress. *“Fucking call the number!!!!!”*. I did. The number belonged to his friend and he was laughing on the other line saying it was all a prank.
It took me a few moments to get it but then I started crying. My husband was livid at the way I handled the prank. He was disappointed that I didn’t care enough. I don’t know what he wanted me to do. He couldn’t explain what he expected me to act. He just yelled that he didn’t expect this.
Now a month later he’s still so cold and distant with me. I tried to apologize and explain that I was hurt but shocked because that wasn’t him. I tried to explain that I just didn’t want to hurt our children. I told him that I loved him so much and that if that was something true it would have broken me. It did for the few hours I believed the prank. He thinks I’m too cold and apathetic and my reaction was abnormal so now he’s cold and apathetic towards me. And I think this whole situation is abnormal.
## Edit: (sorry for making my post even longer but many have requested a a clarification )
I don’t know why the apologizing part is being taken out of context making me out to be a weak woman with no self respect. Im not apologizing nor begging. I apologized and not because I thought I did anything wrong but because he was hurt by my lack of emotions. I explained to him that my lack of emotions came from shock and not indifference. He did not buy it and that’s where we are now.
Also the fact that I answered truthfully about my husband never acting this way before and was downvoted because of it. I’m not saying that because I’m being a victim of brainwashing but because that’s the truth. I’m not defending him, I’m trying to be accurate in case someone actually wants to help me and need all the facts rather than just cast judgment based on their own experiences and assumptions. This is the first time we hit a dead end (it seems) in our relationship. We have always been a loving couple and if I was a weak manipulated abused wife with low self respect I wouldn’t be planning separation and divorce the moment I thought he was cheating.
I won’t be engaging with the negativity anymore and I honestly regret opening up to strangers just to be attacked. I’m thankful for the support from the rest (the majority) but I hate the feeling that I need to agree with bullshit assumptions or I’m being “defensive” or “apologist”. I’m not deleting this post in case someone somewhere can benefit from it but I’m done here.
Have a good day.
&nbsp;
**The first update couldn’t be found or recovered on Reddit. However, I found the full story on TikTok and transcribed the missing update for y’all.**
Here are the links to the TikTok videos in question:
[https://www.tiktok.com/@dana_truppiana/video/7133636566865464619?is_from_webapp=v1&item_id=7133636566865464619] (Video 1)
[https://www.tiktok.com/@dana_truppiana/video/7133642372453272878?is_from_webapp=v1&item_id=7133642372453272878] (Video 2)
[https://www.tiktok.com/@dana_truppiana/video/7133646522528402734?is_from_webapp=v1&item_id=7133646522528402734] (Video 3)
[https://www.tiktok.com/@dana_truppiana/video/7133649223014354222?is_from_webapp=v1&item_id=7133649223014354222] (Video 4)
[https://www.tiktok.com/@dana_truppiana/video/7133654307903163694?is_from_webapp=v1&item_id=7133654307903163694] (Video 5)
**Update one.**
Hi. I decided to make an update after all, mostly out of respect for all of the people reaching out asking for one. I will make it private, however, because honestly, as much as I appreciate the enormous response, it became overwhelming for me. I couldn't read all the comments and the bad ones stuck with me more than I want to admit.
I never considered myself weak or stupid or as easily manipulated as I was portrayed.
This morning, before my husband dropped off the children at daycare and the dogs at the dog center, I asked him to talk to me.
I told him that his treatment of me for the last month wasn't sustainable and that I have given him space long enough. But now he has to do something, talk to me, try to find a solution or set me free.
He asked me to meet up with him for lunch because we were both running late for work.
At lunch, he apologized for the prank and he said he couldn't believe that he went with it, and how stupid it was of him to think that it was harmless and playful. He said that he had been feeling miserable about it, and so guilty, but that he has never felt so worthless in his entire life. I showed him how disposable he was to me, and how easily I could believe something this horrible about him, accept it, and make plans to move on within hours.
“Even if I have cheated on you, you showed no sign that you loved me enough to at least ask me why.”
If the roles were reversed, he would have been angry. He would have confronted me. He would have asked me why. Who the other man was. What it was that he, the other man, had that he didn't, and so on.
I told him I was thinking all of these things, but I had other priorities. Like the stability of my children's family life, and the hurt it would cause them to have divorced parents. Because he knew me well enough to understand that I would never forgive a cheater. I pushed away my anger and feelings of disappointment, because all I was thinking of was how we could provide our children the best life with two homes. I was eventually going to process the anger and hurt. I knew I had all the time later for grief and rage.
So he told me that he wanted to move out to his parents, but that he wasn't sure how to manage without seeing the children every day. So I suggested that he could pick them up from daycare every day, since I work later than him. I could pick them up from my in laws after work. I also suggested that we could split the weekend.
He was silent while I was planning. He then said “I love you” and kissed me and hugged me for a long while, for the first time in weeks.
When I got home after picking up the children and the dogs, he was already gone with his clothes.
He texted me around 11 p.m. saying that *he couldn't believe that I was doing it again* and that he was done.
I called him and he told me I was, *again*, a matter of fact and unemotional. I seemed unfazed, like him moving out wasn't a big deal. He felt redundant again and disposable and unnecessary in my life.
I told him this was so unfair, because I've missed him, and I *have* missed him all these weeks when he was ignoring me. I was just trying to give him space and respect his wishes because I still wanted us to work things out.
He didn't want to listen anymore, so we hung up.
At two a.m., he texted that this wasn't working for him and he wanted a divorce.
I texted back: “okay”.
&nbsp;
[**Update: my husband has apologized. Thank you everyone for your help**](https://www.reddit.com/r/TrueOffMyChest/comments/wq0hk8/update_my_husband_has_apologized_thank_you/) – August 16th, 2022
[Web Archive link with full text and few comments](https://web.archive.org/web/20220816185948/https:/www.reddit.com/r/TrueOffMyChest/comments/wq0hk8/update_my_husband_has_apologized_thank_you/)
[Unddit link with deleted post, but lots of comments including from OOP](https://www.unddit.com/r/TrueOffMyChest/comments/wq0hk8/update_my_husband_has_apologized_thank_you/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=android_app&utm_name=androidcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=share_button)
I want to thank you very much for all the support. I’m sorry for all the doubtful voices about help from strangers on Reddit, while I’m my own woman and isn’t easily manipulated, I was so appreciative of the support here. I was doubting myself, brooding and all consumed in my own confused thoughts. My husband found my posts and he said he was so ashamed of himself and the way he handled our problem especially after reading all the comments calling him out.
Now we have a lot of work to do if we’re going to make it. I’m still not 100 sure why he acted the way he did because I’ve always been clear about my feelings and how much I love him, I never felt that life and the children came in the way, it just made my love for him even stronger, but I’m not gonna dismiss his feelings if he really felt neglected and disposable. He hasn’t moved home yet, we have been on “dates” and we have been spending quality time together.
Before all of this happened we were talking about having another baby and maybe moving into a bigger house. We are waiting with this. I wasn’t sure how I would tell him that I wanted to wait without it sounding like I’m cold and have given up on our future so I tried to show more emotions this time and making it clear that I just want to wait until we’re back on track and not cancel the plans all together but he was actually understanding and kind of relived.
We’ll see how this goes. I love and miss him so much and the children miss their daddy at home.
Thank you again.
&nbsp;
**Reminder - I am not the original poster.** | 5,321 | 2022-12-18T20:05:07 | I didn’t react the right way to my husbands pranks and now our marriage is not the same | INCONCLUSIVE | Dismal-Lead | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/zp700h/i_didnt_react_the_right_way_to_my_husbands_pranks/ | false | false | [
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zp8kab | [removed] | 1 | 2022-12-18T21:12:59 | My wife stole our daughter's college money to fund her shopping addiction and wants me to take the blame | INCONCLUSIVE | Ok-Willingness-5095 | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/zp8kab/my_wife_stole_our_daughters_college_money_to_fund/ | false | false | [
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zp92ns | [deleted] | 2 | 2022-12-18T21:35:01 | AITA for donating my hair to charity without my dad's permission | CONCLUDED | [deleted] | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/zp92ns/aita_for_donating_my_hair_to_charity_without_my/ | false | false | [
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zp9g75 | [removed] | 1 | 2022-12-18T21:51:26 | The Mother from Hell and The Missing Missing Reasons | CONCLUDED | [deleted] | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/zp9g75/the_mother_from_hell_and_the_missing_missing/ | false | false | [
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zpb567 | I'm not the OOP. This was posted by u/throw67980 in r/amitheasshole.
[Original](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/zhr27p/aita_for_paying_my_girlfriend_money_for_a/) (10 Dec 22)
**AITA for paying my girlfriend money for a "survival pack" she kinda arranged for me when I'm going out to sea for work?**
So, I [24M] work as a marine engineer and make a lot of money overseas. Out of curiousity, my girlfriend [24F] asked me what kind of stuff I usually take with myself aboard the ship, so I listed out the stuff like a bunch of men's hygiene stuff, some of my favorite snacks, a bunch of socks, some waterproof winter gear, stomach medicine, etc.
She went ahead and bought a bunch of that stuff for me yesterday and had it delivered to my place along with a note. I was honestly quite taken aback. It had quite a few expensive items, like a razor of high quality, some expensive shampoo, expensive winter gear and stuff, etc. Normally I would've just appreciated the gesture and thought of something I would gift her in a while or so but since I was leaving in a week I was out of ideas and I couldn't have matched the amount she spent on me (in such a short while) meaningfully so I took her out to dinner, thanked her for all that (I actually needed to buy quite a bit of that stuff) and then proceeded to wire her the bill amount next day.
Her reaction... wasn't great, she was disappointed and said that it was a gift which shouldn't be paid back and stuff like that. I felt quite bad but absolutely refused her from paying any of that money back. Normally I wouldn't have paid this but it was quite an amount and I make a lot more money than her, so I felt awkward and was out of ideas.
We're over it now though but she's asked me to never do something like this again, and I've reluctantly agreed. I also kind of wanted to bring up the cost she put into the gift, but I didn't want to hurt her feelings at all. I'm not going to be able to talk to her for a month now and I'm feeling bad that I fucked up this badly. I have the next 4 days before we don't see each other for 3 months.
So well, AITA for paying her back money for an expensive gift, which I needed?
EDIT: Well, I have managed to get my point about insecurity about my job through to her and now we're past the point of remembering it even happened. I also told her I'll remember her always when using the gear and everything she sent me, and a bunch of other sappy stuff.
We're now hanging out together the entire day (and night ;), and I took a small breather to post an edit. I'm leaving in 3 days and I have a lot to think about. A lot. So I'll be getting to that soon. Thanks everyone.
Comments -
>**Redditor** - Everything you’ve written here has screamed “I freaked out because her gift implied deeper intimacy than we actually have.” While this may not be what you intended, if it’s coming across this strongly to us, it probably came across that way to her too.
You’re dating an adult, you can expect her to be able to manage her money and not splurge on something to the point where she can’t afford rent.
>>**OOP**-A bit of clarification:
*“I freaked out because her gift implied deeper intimacy than we actually have.”*
>>Isn't what I'm trying to imply. The part that's probably making it seem that way is that I treat my job as solely my responsibility, as that's how I've lived my life. My parents never really cared about what I did or didn't do, and I've practically been on my own with respects to stuff like building my career.
>>I have a very strong feeling of independence towards work, and my girlfriend kind of took that responsibility for me, and it made me uncomfortable because I felt like I put her in a financially precarious situation. It's just how I've lived and treated work and "relying on someone" is completely new to me. I mistook her care for me for shouldering me, and I freaked out in my inability to accept that, I simply couldn't accept putting someone in a troubled position for me.
>**Redditor**-I saw your comment about your parents not being interested in your work. Are they interested in you as a person at all? Have they taught you that you shouldn't accept help from others?
>It's good to be independent but your gf expressing her love for you shouldn't be seen as a threat to that independence.
>>**OOP**-
*I saw your comment about your parents not being interested in your work. Are they interested in you as a person at all?*
>>Nope. They never just really cared. I've lived my life with them being indifferent to what I do, even when I got pressed charges for underage drinking when I was in high school. I've done a lot of growing up, if I've grown up, practically alone.
>>Some people were there around to set me straight, but none for long enough to me actually think I'm relying on them. My current relationship is probably the only thing where I've let someone affect me emotionally this much, and she's made me a better person. But my job was and is always something I've wanted to handle alone, and that's why her gesture felt completely alien to me.
>>*It's good to be independent but your gf expressing her love for you shouldn't be seen as a threat to that independence.*
>>It's just... not how I see it, yet. I'm working on it, slowly opening up, learning to rely on someone. I'm just not there yet, and this was a bit of a "take aback" to it... I still have a lot to learn.
>**Redditor** - Your relationship sounds so loving and wholesome. I hope you work through your issues. You may want to consider working through your issues without involving your father at first. Therapy may help you navigate that. And you are not required to call that lady your mother even though she adopted you. Best wishes, OP.
>>**OOP** - People have it worse with their step-parents so I'm just showing a bit of respect. That's probably it.
>>I do need some therapy but I guess it mostly boils down to learning what kinds of behaviors I have from ignorance and killing them one by one.
>>>**Redditor** - I just want to let you know that the fact that other people have worse step-parents does not mean you need to show yours any respect. It sounds like she was actually pretty awful to you based on the information you gave, but, even if she wasn't, you do not need to promote her to the title of "mother" in order to show her respect. There are plenty of people with close and loving relationships with incredible step-parents who they respect very much, and they still call them step-parents/their name/not "mom" or "dad." You are not obligated to recognize her as a maternal figure just because she married your father and legally adopted you. Do you think she sees you as her child? In the same way that she sees your half-siblings as her children?
>>>Of course, you can do whatever you want. If you want to call her "mother" that is your decision. But, since you're beginning to dip your toes into the pools of "what notions of mine should I reassess?" I think it's worth pointing out that adults do not deserve respect simply for not being the worst. They deserve respect when they earn it. But do you know who deserves respect without having earned it? Children. And it sounds like she did not only not respect you, but she treated you unequally, was unkind to you, and took her frustrations with an adult (whose actions you had no control over and were also affected by) out on you, a child. I don't have all the details and maybe I'm just projecting or getting the wrong impression and I apologize if that's the case, but she doesn't sound worthy of much respect to me.
>>>Again, you do you. But be sure that you're calling her "mother" because YOU want to. Not because you feel like you owe it to her. Even if she was the perfect step-parent, you don't owe her anything.
>>>>**OOP** -
*And it sounds like she did not only not respect you, but she treated you unequally, was unkind to you, and took her frustrations with an adult (whose actions you had no control over and were also affected by) out on you, a child.*
>>>>I always considered that part of the problem as related to my father's absence giving her frustration. I pitied her to an extent.
>>>>*You are not obligated to recognize her as a maternal figure just because she married your father and legally adopted you. Do you think she sees you as her child? In the same way that she sees your half-siblings as her children?*
>>>>No she does not. I'm very much "elder brother" to my half-siblings as she made it that way but they don't care about elder bro. I'm put in the same league as my father about this.
>>>>The one time things went to a boiling point was when in my teen years she referred to my birth mom as a "bitch who broke her family apart," I never cared about this woman as a person after that. I never knew my mom but this made me feel bad, and I always questioned why I felt bad despite not knowing who was my mom. It was hypocritical though, how would this woman's family be ruined by my mother if she wouldn't have had this family in the first place had my mother been around?
[Update](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/zjusa7/update_aita_for_paying_my_girlfriend_money_for_a/) (12 Dec 22)
**UPDATE: AITA for paying my girlfriend money for a "survival pack" she kinda arranged for me when I'm going out to sea for work**
So well, it has been a day and I managed to get this thing kinda cleared up over lunch with her. Yesterday was a Sunday so I dedicated the entire day to her. I told her that I had a freakout about the gift due to my toxic relationship with work, and we made up completely over it. I also told her that my actions don't undervalue her gift in my eyes and I'll always remember her while using any of those things, lol. I went a bit too sappy on her I guess. But we had fun, she's still sleeping beside me, and it's just been a fun day overall... :)
&#x200B;
Anyways, reflecting on what I did through the comments on the post and the community's help at least made me realize that I had a lot of toxicity to work on. I guess my blaming my parents wasn't completely fair either, given how everything had been. My birth mom passed of cancer shortly after I was born and dad threw himself into work, relying heavily on babysitters and wet nurses to have me cared for until he got remarried, and still was thrown in work. My stepmother, who I have to refer to as "mother" because she has legally adopted me, is not a very nice person to me. She didn't deprive me of anything my half-siblings had and did keep me fed but that was about it. There was these few times she tried to take out her frustrations with my dad out on me and I have good reasons to believe that maybe one of my half-siblings isn't blood related to me.
&#x200B;
On that note, I think I will try to reapproach my father (who I barely am able to talk to), and force him to tell him what my mother was like, and to try to break him out of the shell he's created, possibly from the grief of losing my birth mom. If I can do something like that, then I can think I have somewhat fixed my own problems too. Right now, the only people I can call family are my girlfriend, and her family is sweet and I'm friends with them but I'm "not there" with them yet. I'd love my father to get to know them at least somewhat.
&#x200B;
For now, I'm boarding a freight in 2 days, I have the rest of the day to spend with her, and possibly the night too :). So I'm trying not to bother about this. When I get back from the ship, I'll get these things done, slowly. I'll have a late valentines' date night to look forward to after I am back and a lot of things to work on, both on myself and my situation with people close to me.
>**Redditor**-Glad to hear you’ve patched things up with your gf. It’s also great you are open to growth and self-improvement.
>One little word of caution though, beware of giving away all your power in this situation. By that I mean, you can only control (and therefore heal) yourself. You can’t, and probably shouldn’t, force your father to do or admit to anything. If you are going to make your own healing contingent on his behaviour, you’re just disempowering yourself. If whole process depends on his being ready and able to give you all the answers, what happens if it doesn’t work out that way? He may never be able to talk about your mother or break out of his shell. Then what? Of course he might, but if you’re pinning everything on him being able to, you’re in for disappointment.
>Therapy is a great idea. That way you can unpack the baggage in a safe environment and make a plan for how and when to confront your father. You can have clarity and understanding of your own needs and your process will be your own.
>Good luck
>>**OOP**-
*If you are going to make your own healing contingent on his behaviour, you’re just disempowering yourself. If whole process depends on his being ready and able to give you all the answers, what happens if it doesn’t work out that way? He may never be able to talk about your mother or break out of his shell. Then what? Of course he might, but if you’re pinning everything on him being able to, you’re in for disappointment.*
>>No I'm not holding any expectations. I have prepared for the worst, as I'm already used to only speaking to him once a week about really general stuff. He's usually always found a way to be busy about every event of my life and my half-siblings lives, who've completely turned like their mother in blaming me for our father's lack of attention.
>>But if the man's problem is originating from grief, I'm possibly the last memory he has of his late lover. If I can help him using that, I have to try. It feels like something my birth mom would want me to do.
>>I'll give him a chance to a real relationship if he opens up and is willing to accept therapy. If it works out, great. If it doesn't, I have a family waiting for me anyways.
**Reminder - I'm not the OOP** | 2,180 | 2022-12-18T23:06:27 | AITA for paying my girlfriend money for a "survival pack" she kinda arranged for me when I'm going out to sea for work? | CONCLUDED | prettiergenghis | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/zpb567/aita_for_paying_my_girlfriend_money_for_a/ | false | false | [
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zpbp6v | **I am NOT OP. Original post by u/house-liar-throwaway in r/advice**
---
&nbsp;
[**One BIG LIE may ruin my marriage and I don't know how to stop it**](https://www.reddit.com/r/Advice/comments/zh8btm/one_big_lie_may_ruin_my_marriage_and_i_dont_know/) - 9 December 2022
This is a throwaway account because people I know follow my regular account and I'd like to keep the audience of people I know as small as possible
To start off with in this story I (45m) am the asshole. I am absolutely 100% to blame - my wife (44F) is completely innocent of any wrongdoing at all. I AMTHE ASSHOLE there is no question in my mind about this. I'm just wondering how or if I can save our relationship.
Long story ahead - there is no infidelity, no cheating, in every single way but one huge one I've tried to be the best husband/lover/friend I can be. Except this one lie is so invasive in our lives that I've probably fucked everything up.
When we started dating 10+ years ago I had been renting a house for some time, she was also in a long term rental, both of us had great relationships with our landlords but her place was almost as expensive as mine and not nearly as nice either in size, or area.
Very early on I told her I owned and didn't rent, I honestly don't know why and this is the BIG LIE. I've maintained that now through 7 years of dating and 3 years of marriage (she moved in with me and gave up her lease obviously). I don't know why I told her that and she's never been interested enough in my finances (I make about 50% again of what she makes) to ask a lot about it. Also I have for longer than we've been together managed the house and it's repairs with very minimal interaction from the landlord, generally if it cost less than $1k I just paid to fix it myself, partly because I didn't mind, and partly to keep the landlord out of my life. If the repairs or problem were greater than that, I'd still pay for it but then I'd invoice the landlord, he was absolutely fine with this state of affairs. We still in the same house and we talk about how much we love this house all the time.
My landlord wants to retire from landlording and is selling his houses (he has about a dozen) to the tenants at a greatly reduced rate (like 25k below appraisal/market prices). I can afford the mortgage and in fact have been approved for it... but I still haven't told my wife that we don't own this house. I have the money in my personal savings (not our joint accounts) to pay the down payment, and I can fully absorb the increase in cost from the monthly rent to the monthly mortgage without her having to help at all additionally with bills etc.
The problem is that when we close in a few weeks apparently she needs to be at the closing as well to sign things. The mortgage is only in my name, she's not on the hook for it at all (except I suppose by virtue that she's my spouse) but apparently the title company wants her to sign some things as well.
Obviously I'm going to have to tell her the truth about all this and she will be furious and hurt by my lies and gaslighting - and she will absolutely be in the right to be so - other than telling her the whole truth and hoping she doesn't hate me forever, and absolutely admitting to her that I've been a liar and a jerk this whole time... what can I do?
How do I tell her this and not expect her to just hate me? Should I even expect to be able to tell her this and have her not hate me?
TL;DR: I lied to my girlfriend/now wife about our housing situation and now that I have an amazing opportunity to fix it I have to come clean, but I'm worried that coming clean now will only make things worse.
&nbsp;
[**UPDATE: One BIG LIE may ruin my marriage and I don't know how to stop it**](https://www.reddit.com/r/Advice/comments/zj7kcp/update_one_big_lie_may_ruin_my_marriage_and_i/) - 11 December 2022
As soon as my wife got home Friday night I had her sit down with me and I came clean about everything, told her I lied about owning the house, told her we'd been renting this entire time, told her about getting the mortgage in place and using money from my personal accounts to pay for the down payment and everything, and she reacted in a completely opposite way than I expected.
She was of course hurt about the lie, but she was THRILLED to learn that we were buying the house and that we were getting a great deal for it. We talked about boundaries and we talked about keeping secrets, but truly this is the only thing I've ever lied to her about, she knows all my passwords (I gave them to her years ago unprompted), she has access to all our shared bank account information and I'd show her my personal bank accounts if she asked...
I had this one big lie and I held on to it for a decade and it ate me up, but now that the air is cleared, we're working on a path moving forward, stronger, together. I am truly a lucky guy to have such a wonderful woman in my life, she's the best partner that I could ever hope for.
We have a plan to move forward, and I think we're going to work together to even knock out this debt faster than most people do. She's also now planning to do to the house I wouldn't previously let her do like ripping up the carpet and refinishing the hardwood floors and everything else
I cried with relief y'all. This whole conversation was a weight off my mind and I was so relieved to have it done. She forgave me, though I maintain she has the right to decide she's mad at me still. We're still together and she's not even mad.
TL;DR: I came clean and told my wife about my stupid lie and everything worked out better than I could possibly have hoped.
&nbsp;
**Reminder - I am not the original poster.** | 9,505 | 2022-12-18T23:31:26 | One BIG LIE may ruin my marriage and I don't know how to stop it | CONCLUDED | toohottooheavy | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/zpbp6v/one_big_lie_may_ruin_my_marriage_and_i_dont_know/ | false | false | [
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zpec5e | Reminder that I'm not OOP. OOP is u/GrayPots and this was posted with their permission.
Trigger Warnings: None
OP's Note: I've edited the second post so that it reads chronologically (ie newer update later to the original post). I've made no other changes
[**Is it a terrible idea to write a letter of complaint to my professor/her chair after the class ends**](https://www.reddit.com/r/AskAcademia/comments/zbxwvf/is_it_a_terrible_idea_to_write_a_letter_of/)**?** (recovered via Unddit) December 03 2022
I am taking an online intro psychology class with a professor I'd actively sought after seeing good reviews for her on RateMyProfessor. The class has been beyond disappointing for several reasons:
* NO lectures from the professor. Instead, she posts links to the videos put out by the Crash Course YouTube channel
* Syllabus says weekly quizzes, exams, discussion posts, assignments, projects are each worth 20% of our final grade. When asked, she said course grades aren't weighted. This means each exam (there are 3 total, each covering as many as 6 chapters) is worth only 2% of the total grade. She only clarified this to me via email, and only when I explicitly asked, and not to other students.
* Syllabus says weekly discussion posts will be graded with feedback and engagement within 1 week of due date. It's December now and no submissions have been graded since Sept. The 3 posts that have been graded were graded months late and with NO feedback and surprisingly tough grading. (e.g. it's a freshman-level course; I was a former English major and have worked proofreading Ph.D. papers and received a 70% on one submission) With seven other submissions waiting to be graded, students didn't have a chance to refine those posts in response to her grading.
* Syllabus says assignments will be graded with feedback. None have been graded.
* Syllabus said the first exam would cover chapters 1-5. It ended up only covering chapters 1-4.
* The "study guide" she posted for the first exam was just a list of multiple-choice questions from prior exams. 90% of the questions covered only one of the four chapters.
* The Canvas announcement said the second exam would cover chapters 6-10. I asked her about chapter 5, which we hadn't been tested on. She emailed me that the second exam would cover chapters 5-9 and gave me the date. She then gave the exam one week early and covered chapters 5-10.
* She said a final assignment would be assigned a month ago. It still hasn't been assigned, but she's now changed it to say it will be "peer-reviewed," which means students will grade each other. The other "big" assignment, due 2 months ago, was also peer-reviewed. Grades for it still aren't posted. I emailed to ask her how/if the peer-reviewed portion was to be graded (I spent an hour on it). She never responded.
* Our final discussion post was also changed to be "peer-reviewed," which, again, just means we are grading it for her. She noted to fill out the grading rubric. But the rubric includes an area to grade the discussion AND the response—but there is no response assigned to grade. It is due tomorrow and she still has not responded.
The only thing she has done all semester is copy/paste from the textbook onto Canvas and she's graded Discussion posts through September, giving no feedback. There are 8 weeks of ungraded discussion posts and all assignments that aren't auto-graded through the textbook software are left to "peer-review," which was a thoroughly unexplained practice that basically amounts to us grading each other so she doesn't have to.
I've had other online courses with instructors who didn't post lectures, but who engaged with the class--posting highlights from people's contributions, sharing personal notes about that week's subject, and assigning papers that they responded to and engaged with.
This professor has everything either auto-graded (textbook software assignments and exams) or peer-graded (non-textbook assignments and some discussions). She's given arbitrary grades for a handful of discussion posts. My brother is a college professor and was aghast when I told him about this class.
Our grades online are incorrect, with some things being counted twice. It works out in my favor, so I'm not bringing it up, but it's also inexcusable.
I'm clearly pissed: I rearranged my class schedule to take a class with this professor, but she definitely doesn't care about her students. She is an adjunct instructor who lives in a different city than the college, 7 hours away.
Would any good come from emailing her after the class to, diplomatically, express my disappointment? Or would any good come from emailing the department chair at the university? The dean?
Relevant Comments:
>I agree that all of this is unacceptable for a professor. However, considering that this person has gotten good reviews on RateMyProfessor (and if you trust those reviews to be truthful/accurate), then consider maybe something has happened in her life to cause this mess. I would send a (diplomatic) email to the professor first instead of escalating to admin right off the bat.
>>Interesting: she received 8 stellar reviews on RateMyProfessor in the span of 3 days.As of yesterday, her 2 most recent reviews were very bad.As of just now, 1 of those bad reviews is gone.
>Were there comments on RMP specific to why she was rated so highly? Also when were the reviews posted?
>
>I ask because 1) that was a reason provided that you rearranged your schedule to take the class and 2) I'm wondering if this is something that has only happened this semester. I agree with the other comments to focus on the deviations from the syllabus and no feedback.
>>She just announced to my class that we can get extra credit for leaving her a RateMyProfessor review. So that explains why there was a slew of 5-star ratings all left in a 4-day period last spring.
[**UPDATE: Is it a terrible idea to write a letter of complaint to my professor/her chair after the class ends?**](https://www.reddit.com/r/AskAcademia/comments/zhipo5/update_is_it_a_terrible_idea_to_write_a_letter_of/) December 09 2022
Original update:
I made a post here a few days ago asking what I should do about a professor who has completely changed the grading policy without notice, is having students grade each other whenever possible, and says they'll provide feedback/grades within 48 hours but is currently 2 months behind and has never provided feedback. The post was removed (a short version is in my post history on [r/college](https://www.reddit.com/r/college/)). The overwhelming consensus in the replies was that I should consider speaking to the department chair.
I found my college's policy for student grievances, which requires an attempt to resolve things with the professor before being able to file a formal complaint. I emailed the professor a letter, stating that I was beginning the informal complaint process, and listing my main concerns. I forwarded the email to the department chair with a note that I wanted to document the informal complaint process and asking for any advice regarding seeking a resolution or escalating to a formal complaint.
The dept. chair was very kind, said she took my concerns seriously, and that she would speak to the professor, and scheduled a Zoom meeting with me for tomorrow.
This evening, my professor graded ALL of my ungraded assignments, most with feedback. I get an email each time something is graded, and my email shows that she graded all assignments in exactly one hour. From this timing, I'm pretty sure that she graded only MY assignments and no other students' submissions.
I'm going to chat with the dept. chair tomorrow about my concerns, and appreciate all the suggestions to focus on the stuff that actually matters as opposed to more trivial complaints (such as she offers extra credit if you tell her via email that you posted a RateMyProfessor review).
Thanks all, and feel free to delete if this isn't allowed
\[in the same post\]
UPDATE (to the update) :
The dept. chair spent over an hour talking to me about my concerns. She was amazing and also really horrified. She said the professor admitted to being behind in grading, and also said that the turnaround time for grading assignments should be within 1 week with a max of 2 weeks (as opposed to 2.5 months). She'd told the professor she needed to grade my work and then catch up on grading the other students' work, which is why all of my assignments were graded within an hour last night. She said a lot of red flags were coming up, particularly in regards to "punitive/retaliatory grading," as the assignments I had graded yesterday showed an average of 80%, with grades as low as 50%, while my scores on things graded objectively (multiple choice exams, auto-graded assignments) are a high 90%. I mentioned that regarding a post for which I was graded 50% for not meeting the word count requirement, I went and looked at other students' submissions and noted only 2/12 met the word count. I surmised that if she's grading consistently, the class average overall must be at or close to a failing grade.
The chair was also especially alarmed when I said I wasn't sure if the department had a policy around incentivizing RateMyProfessor reviews, but that my professor offered extra credit points for leaving her a review and emailing to let her know you'd left a review. The chair said she'd never heard of that and that the most important thing that always comes up when asked what's important in a professor is "fairness." She's also concerned that the final paper will rely on subjective grading and said she will tell the professor that if she feels she can't grade my work objectively/without bias, she will need to bring someone else in to assist her in grading.
She said that it's unacceptable for students to not know what their grade in the class is, and also said that if I'm unhappy with my final grade, I can request a grade review where a panel will look at the grades and make sure grading was done fairly.
Thanks to all for your advice. | 5,001 | 2022-12-19T01:35:45 | Is it a terrible idea to write a letter of complaint to my professor/her chair after the class ends? | ONGOING | boringhistoryfan | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/zpec5e/is_it_a_terrible_idea_to_write_a_letter_of/ | false | false | [
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zpet0w | **I am NOT OP. Original post by u/throwrafe in r/relationship_advice**
trigger warning: >!sexual assault!<
---
&nbsp;
[**I (25F) agreed to be a surrogate for my sister and her husband (late 30s), but am regretting it now**](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/fve0oj/i_25f_agreed_to_be_a_surrogate_for_my_sister_and/) - 5 April 2020
For most of my life my sister Alice has been wanting kids but has been unable to carry a baby to full term, in part due to endometriosis. She was in a lot of pain and had to have a hysterectomy.
Alice and her husband Ben has fostered 5 children and have adopted 2 children with autism, and are great parents. They have a good home environment and are financially very well off. But recently Ben and after a while Alice was bitten by the urge to have a kid biologically related to them because they wanted a chance to "do things right" and "provide the best start in life" (their views, not mine).
So they asked me to be their (traditional) surrogate and said that they would cover all costs (legal, medical etc) associated with it. They would be also be paying off my student dent, renting a 2 bedroom apartment for 3 years plus giving me a substantial amount of cash. I said sure - it'll be 9 months of my life in exchange for being set up for quite some time, and my immediate family thinks it is a great idea.
However, when I said "sure", I was expecting something along the lines of IUI, where we go to the doctor to get Ben's sperm prepped, me getting shots etc. basically the whole artificial insemination package.
But Alice & Ben have asked me to well, get pregnant the traditional way. Their rationale is that 1. it is the cheapest way 2. they don't want to go to the hospital given the corona pandemic and 3. they think babies conceived naturally are healthier/the pregnancy would be safer without the chemicals, but I just can't get over the extreme ick factor. And even IF this was going to take place at home I think a syringe would work fine.
Am I going loony for thinking of going back on my word? Is their request reasonable? My immediate family doesn't see anything wrong with it and has been congratulating my sister on her impending baby. On the other hand, if I do give it up am I also mad for passing up what is essentially 200k, especially in this economy now?
Edit: Thank you, I see that I am completely out of my depth here and will be discussing with my sister about alternatives that don't include me carrying the baby. Not looking forward to that discussion though.
&nbsp;
[**Update: I (25F) agreed to be a surrogate for my sister and her husband (late 30s), but am regretting it now**](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/fygql7/update_i_25f_agreed_to_be_a_surrogate_for_my/) - 10 April 2020
All the comments on my previous post showed me that I am way too young, dumb and ignorant with what I signed up with. I started researching actual lived experiences and I read so many horror stories that I've decided to not go ahead with being involved in any way, shape or form with helping them have kids.
In fact, I'm not even sure if I want to ever get pregnant after all the stories about 3rd and 4th degree tears, poop, miscarriages. I am clearly not in the right stage of life/maturity to even consider doing something of this magnitude.
The difficult part was mustering up the courage to call my sister to tell her my decision. I really look up to my sister and love her lots, and our family and religion has always been about helping others out where we can.
When I called her to tell her, we had a short convo at first where I basically said "sorry, can't do it but that doesn't mean I love you any less". She seemed sad but said she was happy to respect my decision and I thought that was it.
Then just last night, sister & BIL called me back over zoom. My sister was crying and begged me to reconsider, as both of them really wanted biological kids. BIL told me that they were really disappointed in me and hoped that I would find it within me to do this. When I told them my concerns, my BIL just said pregnancy & motherhood is a beautiful and natural process and that I was made for this.
I'm SO glad I did this over video call instead of in person, because I just hung up on them and faked having connection problems. I've been ignoring their texts so far and frankly I don't know what else to say.
But any way, thank you all from the bottom of my heart for opening my eyes :)
&nbsp;
[**An update**](https://www.reddit.com/user/ThrowRAFE/comments/i777j0/an_update/) - 10 August 2020
Leaving for the airport in a few hours to move across the country and I can't sleep! I plan to slowly phase out contact with my family and community, even though I love the people in there lots.
Long story short, I went over to Alice & Ben's house to visit their kids in May. While there, they asked me in person to reconsider my decision. Sometime during this, Ben started kissing and groping me. I let him. I know typing this out makes me seem dumb for going over and weak, because I was. But I just froze and it was very difficult to say no in the moment especially with my sister crying and Ben having quite a presence in person. Trust me, I have replayed the scenario so many times in my head wishing I was stronger in that moment. Luckily that was the extent of it and I was able to leave shortly after, because I don't know what I would have done otherwise.
I also received surprisingly no support from my parents or my bishop regarding my earlier decision (I didn't tell anyone the recent event). I don't think they knew what Alice and Ben were asking me, exactly, and I didn't bring it up either. I was already sort of an outsider for not really conforming to the usual lifestyle of being married with kids, but this still shocked me.
All these things combined made me reevaluate my life. Working from home and having this much time alone has also given me a lot of time to think about things. I fell down the rabbit hole of reading stories of people who also left the church and I want that life for me. So I've spent the last 3 months making arrangements, transferring to another part of my company, and today is the big day!
I know it's not going to be easy. Pretending to be normal at the last Pioneer Day family gathering was the hardest thing I needed to do, but I did it for myself and for closure. But I'm going to get through this.
Thank you for the advice, and stay safe everyone.
&nbsp;
[**Feeling grateful 1 year on (:**](https://www.reddit.com/user/ThrowRAFE/comments/osonx6/feeling_grateful_1_year_on/) - 27 July 2021
My one year anniversary of leaving the mess that was my family behind is coming up. Dusting this old account off to keep a log that maybe I can look back on.
It's a beautiful sunny day here. Just feeling really grateful for life and all the opportunities I've had.
Here's to the first year without them!
&nbsp;
**Reminder - I am not the original poster.** | 12,177 | 2022-12-19T01:59:06 | I (25F) agreed to be a surrogate for my sister and her husband (late 30s), but am regretting it now | REPOST | toohottooheavy | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/zpet0w/i_25f_agreed_to_be_a_surrogate_for_my_sister_and/ | false | false | [
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zpiie9 | [removed] | 1 | 2022-12-19T05:01:19 | I've been lying to my husband and daughter for the past 5 months. (I am not OOP) | CONCLUDED | [deleted] | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/zpiie9/ive_been_lying_to_my_husband_and_daughter_for_the/ | false | false | [
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zpink3 | **I am not OOP. OOP is** [u/AITAThrowAway990](https://www.reddit.com/user/AITAThrowAway990/). She posted in r/AmItheAsshole. I fixed a few spelling errors.
Your daily fun fact for those of you who don't want spoilers on mobile: u/ElysGirl asked for kiwi birds. Kiwi actually have bones filled with marrow, unlike other birds which have hollow bones. The little spotted kiwi was extremely endangered, and at one point there were only 5 birds left. However, today there are around 1,200! ([Image](https://assets3.thrillist.com/v1/image/2624055/1200x600/crop;), [Source](https://www.newzealand.com/in/feature/five-surprising-kiwi-facts/))
**Mood Spoiler:** >!Hopeful!<
**Original** [Post](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/zcf9fk/aita_for_not_wanting_to_go_to_my_26f_sisters_29f/): **December 4, 2022**
My sister (lets call her Hanna) isn't speaking to me right now because I RSVP'd No to her wedding in January. My mom wants me to change my RSVP but honestly the wedding isn't going to be possible for me to attend and based on how my sister is acting I don't want to go anymore.
Ever since I hit puberty I've had really really (really really really) bad insomnia. I usually go to bed around 6am, 7am, and wake up around 1pm, 2pm. I've tried to change my sleep style and I just can't, it's like dealing with international jet lag. Hanna knows this, but always "forgets" and tries to wake me up for family things whenever she visits home and I have to lock my bedroom door and really work to keep her out.
When I got the invitation for Hanna's wedding I was super excited for her, because she has always wanted a big wedding, and it looks like she is going to get it, and that might not be what I want/would want, but she does and that is exciting, and I can acknowledge that. But then I saw the timeline and there's a wedding brunch at 10am, the ceremony is at noon, and then there's an afternoon party. I asked Hanna if I could just come to the afternoon party (since I will be sleeping at 10am) and she got furious and started yelling over the phone about how since I'm her sister, I need to be there for the ceremony.
I laughed and told her there was no way I could be there on time, because it would basically be like trying to get someone on a 9-5 work schedule to attend an event at 2am. I probably shouldn't have laughed but it just felt so ridiculous. If she wanted me to be there for the whole thing, she needed to plan for a time when I could actually attend. I work a full time job as a freelancer, just not normal hours because of my insomnia, so it really bugs me when people act like my time is worth less than theirs.
But now wedding preparations are happening at the house (the brunch is going to be here) and my mom is really upset with me for not coming to the wedding. She wants me to apologize to Hanna and be one of her bridesmaids. Hanna isn't speaking to me at all but she is speaking to our mom so maybe that is what she also wants, but I just feel like she owes me the apology, not the other way around? But I might be wrong because this is the first big fancy wedding in our family and maybe I need to suck it up because it's a tradition to have a morning breakfast or something.
AITA?
**OOP is voted YTA**
***Relevant Comments:***
*Someone asks how she made it through High School:*
"I know I shouldn't have laughed. High school was really difficult for me - I was bullied a lot and late to morning classes pretty much every day. I ended up taking classes online for my senior year to graduate on time and it worked so much better. The thing is that I just can't think when I'm so tired in the mornings, and doing things online saved me. I got a college degree online at night and now my freelancing is also online, and I can just do that any time, so it's not like my insomnia has been a problem for my career or my friends, just this one conflict with Hanna"
*Fantastic* [Comment](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/zcf9fk/aita_for_not_wanting_to_go_to_my_26f_sisters_29f/iywd24y/?context=3) *that suggests she might have Delayed Sleep Phase Disorder, with a link to info:*
"Oh my god. I don't know what to say. The article made me cry. Thank you.
"my fatigue is less a product of my own body and more of society’s expectations for when one ought to be awake."
YES! If I could be different, I would be...
But you are also right, and so is everyone else on this thread - I do want to be there, so I need to try harder to be there. I like the idea of doing an all nighter to just stay up "late" so I can be there on time for the breakfast.
I don't know if Hanna will forgive me and let me attend again but I am going to apologize and ask if I can come. We may butt heads but she is my only sister and I don't want our relationship to be nuked over this, and it's clear that it will be if I don't apologize"
**EDIT:** Okay that was universal, AITA. I will apologize to Hanna and ask if I can still attend the wedding. I think it is probably best if I'm not a bridesmaid but I can still put on a dress and show up even if I am tired. Thank you to everyone that sent in medical tips - I am realizing that I need to get a second opinion that isn't our family doctor, because she is actually kind of dismissive about my sleep issues and I used to like that because she made my mom calm down and she supported me with a doctors note for online high school but some of you mentioned high blood pressure and delayed sleep phase disorder and I want to talk to someone who is at least willing to investigate that with me.
EDIT 2: Sorry I meant "I am the Asshole" is universal and I get it
**Update: December 5, 2022 (Same Post)**
I sat down and talked with my mom about the situation with Hanna and it was rough but I think she understands a little better now where I was coming from and is going to help me find a sleep specialist to go to. I asked her if she thought I should call Hanna directly or if she should talk to her first and she said I should do it so I tried calling but she didn't pick up, so I sent her an apology text. No response yet but I said sorry for laughing and for acting self-centered and that if she would still have me at the wedding I would be happy to attend but that I probably shouldn't be a bridesmaid but I could do other things at the wedding like pass out stuff and that I just want to make sure she has a good time. I don't know if she will forgive me but I do feel better now that I am trying. I have also been watching a lot of videos on sleep rhythm disorders and a lot of symptoms in my life make more sense now so SERIOUSLY A BIG THANK YOU to everyone who gave me tips and ideas for what to search and what to ask my new sleep doctor once I find one with my mom.
**Update** [Post](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/zk57qr/update_aita_for_not_wanting_to_go_to_my_sisters/)**: December 12, 2022**
First off, it was a big eye opener to see that so many people thought I was the asshole, and after reading your comments I agree with you. I guess I have been living a kind of sheltered life, and I wasn't thinking about the wedding the way I should have - I was kind of viewing it as a big party, more like a birthday party, than a once-in-a-lifetime event, and that was a mistake.
Hanna asked me if I could get coffee with her outside of the house, and I was a little surprised that she wanted to meet that way but I obviously said yes, I was getting really worried that she wasn't going to respond at all. But I think that was the best decision ever because Hanna and I had a great conversation, it was kind of intense but I think really necessary, about some stuff that happened when we were kids and our relationship with our mom. I won't go into all of it here but TLDR, Hanna apologized for trying to wake me up whenever she visited, I apologized for laughing about her wedding, and we both agreed that I need to A) talk to more doctors and B) move out of our mother's house.
We grew up pretty sheltered, and I hadn't realized how much it was impacting my mood and energy until Hanna started talking about what she experienced when she moved out and went to college. She left home pretty early, at sixteen, so we really didn't know each other as adults much at all. Hanna told me that when she first moved out, everything got easier with our mother, and she started going to therapy and got really into fitness and nutrition, and she realized that she felt a lot better with less contact with our family, but she got really worried about me being left home, and wanted to check up on me/encourage me to move out too, but didn't know how to communicate that, particularly since I was always sleeping when she was over.
I have some money saved from freelancing and saving on rent, so I am going to think about different places to move to. My job can be done from anywhere so now that I'm thinking about moving out it feels weird that I was so stuck in my high school routine that I didn't even consider any other options.
My sleeping schedule is still super fucked up but Hanna has a friend who is a nutritionist that is willing to do a consult with me over Zoom, so that's something I'm going to do next week. I called my family doctor and asked for referrals but the only available appointment slot is like two months out, and I'm not sure if I will even be in the state at that point, so I didn't book it yet but I'm definitely going to try and get a medical team once I know what my plans are.
Thanks again to everyone, particularly everyone who messaged me directly with advice <3
***One more Relevant Comment:***
"Hi, I'm definitely going to book with other specialists, the nutritionist is just one part of the medical team I hope to put together, I just mentioned her explicitly since I already have that appointment scheduled and I think it's nice that my sister helped me connect with her friend"
**I marked this as ongoing because I hope we get a post about the wedding! OOP, I sincerely hope you're able to figure your health out.** | 3,234 | 2022-12-19T05:08:45 | AITA for not wanting to go to my (26f) sister's (29f) wedding because of my insomnia? | ONGOING | LucyAriaRose | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/zpink3/aita_for_not_wanting_to_go_to_my_26f_sisters_29f/ | false | false | [
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zpj06z | I'm not the OOP. This was posted by u/opening-special-2938 in r/trueoffmychest.
[Original](https://www.reddit.com/r/TrueOffMyChest/comments/yib3dc/my_wifes_surprise_stopped_me_from_committing_the/) (31 Oct 22)
**My wife's surprise stopped me from committing the biggest mistake of my life.**
I(33m) and my wife(29f) have been together for 6 yrs and married for 2. She has a childhood friend Dave(30m) who's dating Tessa(27f). Four of us are in the same city and Tessa is also my colleague(same department and I was the one who set them up). My wife and Dave call e/o soulamtes. Altho I've never had any problems with Dave as I trust my wife and my wife isnt the one to cheat, they have been super close for the past 3 weeks upto the point they were whispering into e/o ears, giggling and everytime I'd ask her whats funny, she'd just casually shrug and shoo me away saying it's a secret. She'd whisper-talk to him in the other room(which she never used to do) and she's been frequenting her visits to his cafe(Dave owns and runs a cafe) The four of us go on double dates from time to time and there's also the same situation; they'd just talk to e/o in signs, smile knowingly and then start acting normal when they'd see me and Tessa watching and I knew for sure that it bugged Tessa too. Also, me and my wife used to have a healthy sexual life which decreased from several times a week to once/twice a week. All these and her staying away from me and keeping secrets really strengthened my suspicions.
Last week my department had to go on a business trip for 5 days 3 states away from our city and i had informed my wife about this three days prior. She seemed upset at first but later after a quick visit to Dave's cafe returned with a smile. And that upset me more. Also that night, I overheard her and Dave talking and planning to go somewhere together. She was surprised to see me there and cut the call abruptly and I acted like I didn't hear a single thing altho I was fuming and plotting inside. I went on the trip as casually as I could with Tessa and 2 other colleagues. Our company had provided us with separate rooms with room service. My mind was filled with revenge plans and I decided that if she(my wife) was enjoying herself then why couldn't I a little. The city we went to is famous for its nightlife so my plan was to complete my work for the day and go out and most possibly bring a girl to our room and y'all know whatd be next. So I completed my work, changed into casuals, checked out and went to the bar where I proceeded to chug down a few shots for a good half hour. I could see some girl eyeing me in my peripheral vision and I took it to be my "to-go" moment. As I was about to approach my would-be AP, I was distracted by a bunch of frantic calls from one of my colleague about how I didn't submit the project in time and how Boss had been fuming at me. I tried to call in my other colleague and even Tessa but they didn't even budge. Alas my plan fell short and I had to go back to the room.
Luckily the hotel I was staying at was just 10 mins away from the bar and I intended to return to the bar as soon I was done with my work. All while walking I was sulking about how I couldn't get to extract my plan, the moment I opened the door to my room, there was my wife in all smiles who then yelled a big "SURPISE!!!"(also it was weird for me to not submit my work on time) Before I had a chance to know wtf was happening, she shoved something in front of my face and I just got to recognize the two red lines and the switches just clicked. Idk what happened next but all I could remember is both of us and kissing and crying tears of joy. My wife was pregnant! Like my wife IS ACTUALLY PREGNANT!!! I forgot all about my suspicions, all about my plans, that chick in the bar and hugged my wife as long as I could and kiss her belly for several times. That night we had an amazing session and my wife was back in my arms. The next morning, Dave and Tessa congratulated me and informed me that they were now engaged and we went on a double date. Later my wife apologized to me for ignoring me knowingly and keeping secrets and how they were just planning to surprise me with the news of pregnancy and Tessa with marriage proposal. Also, she personally apologized for resisiting my advances as she was insecure about her body and scared of hurting the baby(she's a scaredy-cat). And man I felt like a gallon of ice cold water being thrown on my face and never in my life, I was ashamed as much as im now for even doubting this woman.
We spent the rest of the week enjoying ourselves to the fullest and visiting many places, shopping some baby clothes(we couldn't resist tbh). We're now back to our normal lives. Whilst I'm the happiest with my wife's pregnancy I'm still ashamed about my thoughts. God knows what would have happened and where I would be now if my wife had caught me with some random chick that night. One one hand, I want to tell my wife everything but on other hand I'm scared of her reaction and the possible effects on our baby(she's now almost 3 months).
I love this woman that's my wife and I want to spend my life with her, taking care of her till the end. So y'all please tell me if itll be a good thing to just lay myself bare to her or hold my tongue as long as I can.
Edit: Holy shit! I didn't expect it to blw up. I been replyinh to sumn comments and phew it took a toll on me. Nvrthlss I welcome all Kinda criticism here. Brb and will Make sure to reply to most of your concerns.
[Update](https://www.reddit.com/r/TrueOffMyChest/comments/zk45dz/update_my_wifes_surprise_stopped_me_from/) (12 Dec 22)
**Update?: My wife's surprise stopped me from committing the biggest mistake in my life.**
Idk how to phrase this as the matter has turned out to be new day new shit kinda thing. So well yeah going for the majority I decided not to disclose about the shit I tried pulling to my wife. She's more happier glowing and now that there's a bump shes more beautiful than ever. Coming to me I've actually started going to therapy and it was turning out well.
The problem is around a week ago or more while I was scrolling through my wife's phone, I kinda went to her chats with Dave( ik might be an AH for this) well y'all know curiosity killed the cat and here it fuxked me over. One particular text caught my eye and it goes like
Dave: do you think we would've been happier if it were just the both of us??
My wife: what you mean?
And Dave didn't answer anything but just a Nevermind.
This shit has fucked me over like i was a fresh outta recovering addict and there was sumn kinda free drinks forever thing going on. Not gonna lie a hundred scenarios came into my mind, that mf being close to my wife, all touchy and what fuxking not. Like wtf actually? Whose genuine buddies would ask if they'd be happier with each other than their with the partners? Bless my wife theres no those doubt awakening texts from her side altho can't say the same about Dave. He was pulling shits like hows the baby doing? Hows you, baby momma?
And y'all can call me out on this but it pained me so much. the literal thought of someone else knowing about your baby before you that too someone who might be interested in your partner? I was gonna confront him but idk if it'd be the right time to do that?? I seriously dont have a clear idea about my wife but can say that whatever thing Dave wants she doesn't exactly reciprocate it. She doesn't have any friends in the town besides him and Tessa and shes been so happy planning about everything with them.
I think im getting returned what I'd have made her feel in big time. And it's clearly a long path to decided wth we gonna do. I can confront him secretly but it wont take long before my wife finds out something is wrong and am afraid of her condition. I don't want to upset her more, nor I know how to bring this shit up smoothly so can y'all suggest me your advices.
Also***** i had dropped the idea about getting dna test done but now a seed of doubt is in my head so cant say I'm sure of that unless I get a clear answer from both of them in near future. Also NO, I wont try to cheat on her again. Learned my lesson and thatd be it.
**Reminder - I'm not the OOP** | 4,537 | 2022-12-19T05:27:31 | My wife's surprise stopped me from committing the biggest mistake of my life. | ONGOING | prettiergenghis | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/zpj06z/my_wifes_surprise_stopped_me_from_committing_the/ | false | false | [
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zpja80 | **I am not OOP. OOP was u/**[**MiaOtt**](https://www.reddit.com/user/MiaOtt)**.** She deleted her account. She posted in r/JUSTNOMIL. I fixed a few spelling errors and changed acronyms to words. Big thanks to u/Unfair-Cookie for telling me about this story. **Long Post. Recovered updates at the bottom!!!**
Your daily fun fact to cover up spoilers on mobile: u/runescapeowl requested frogs. When Darwin’s frog tadpoles hatch, a male frog swallows the tadpoles, keeps them in his vocal sac for about 60 days and allows them to grow. He then proceeds to cough up tiny, fully formed frogs. I've linked the source, the whole list is fucking wild. ([Image](https://www.iucn.org/sites/default/files/content/images/2020/ranita_de_darwin_del_sur_rhinoderma_darwinii_credito_claudio_azat.jpg), [Source](https://www.smithsonianmag.com/science-nature/14-fun-facts-about-frogs-180947089/))
**Trigger Warnings:** >!Verbal abuse, infertility shaming, sexual harassment, suicide mention!<
**Mood Spoiler:** >!Sad but hopeful!<
**Original** [Post](https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/comments/e82epi/future_mother_in_law_doesnt_want_her_son_to_marry/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf)**: December 8, 2019**
I'm sorry, I don't remember the exact term for my condition. Basically, I have the correct parts, none of them happen to work. My uterus cannot generate lining, so I can never get pregnant. The bright side is that I have never had a period in my life (I'm 32). My boyfriend's mother found this out, I don't know how, she may have heard a family member talking about it, my family knows about it, and several of his family members that I have told. When she found out and confronted me about it, she then forbade her son from marrying me because I couldn't provide him with children. Needless to say, we (my boyfriend and I) have discussed it and though a bit disappointed, are fine with it (me unable to conceive). She is now telling all her family members not to attend our future wedding because she doesn't want her son marrying someone "defective" who can't give him what she thinks he wants/needs. If she can come around and change her mind on this, that would be great, but as it is right now, I don't want her at the wedding, for fear of her doing or saying something to ruin the event, and he says that while he loves his mother, he is torn as to whether to invite her or not. We may just have a quick civil ceremony and only invite a few friends and relatives and tell her later, but she doesn't even want to come over when we invite her for dinner. Not sure what to do, getting tired of her calling me "defective" to everyone else. His father is OK with it, his aunts and uncles are understanding for the most part. We have talked about adoption in the future, but she is also against that as it is not "his blood" and wouldn't "really" be her grandchild. Just ranting here, thanks for reading.
***Relevant Comments:***
"For the commenter who said she would find something else anyway to complain about, my boyfriend's best friend came over for dinner last night and we told him that we might not have a wedding, just a simple civil service at the courthouse and told him that his (my boyfriend's) mother is the reason for our change in plans and he started trying to guess what could be the reason. It ranged from joking about my size (I'm 6'1" and 3 inches taller than my boyfriend, and yes, the weather is fine up here and no, I don't play or even like basketball, I get those a lot) to the fact that we are currently living together, pre-marriage. When we told him the actual reason (he already knew of my condition), he was quite shocked and said he'd be there for us no matter what. That and all of your positive comments on the situation have helped me to calm down. I was so upset about this and about to walk out the door and leave him and move on with my life and I definitely didn't want to feel like that was my only option. My boyfriend is going to confront his mother about it tomorrow night (he has to do some stuff for work tonight, thus the delay) and I'll update how that all turns out. Thanks again."
*More about OOP's condition specifically:*
"I do produce eggs and we have to use birth control, because the doctors don't want a fertilized egg starting where it shouldn't be. My best friend since I was 3 has volunteered to be a surrogate if we need one, but I don't want to take her up on that as all 3 of her births had complications so I wouldn't want to put her through more."
**Update Comment: December 10, 2019 (Same Post)**
"I have received two text messages today before tonight's confrontation; one good, one bad - The good one was from my future father-in-law who said that he's appalled by his wife's actions and he loves me like the daughter he never had and he thinks his son is fortunate to have found me. The second was from his aunt who basically said the same thing, but added that her sister (my future mother-in-law) spoke to her about the whole thing, asked her not to attend the wedding, and then made some comment about why do I even have breasts, it's not like I'm going to use them for anything. I am so nervous for tonight, my boyfriend has asked me not to come because he thinks my being there will make it worse, so after work I'm going to stay at home, order in a pizza and curl up on the couch and watch tv while petting the cat. That last part is not a euphemism, I get a lot of comfort playing with and petting my cat."
**Update** [Post](https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/comments/e9qy1r/fmil_won_im_no_longer_in_her_sons_life/)**: December 12, 2019. (Future Mother-in-law won, I'm no longer in her son's life)**
If you read my previous post on the matter, I can't have children, my soon to be mother in law didn't like that and did what she could to sabotage our future wedding, telling people not to attend, and calling me "defective". My future (no more) husband and his father were going to sit down with her Tuesday night and try to talk sense into her. Well, she won. I don't know what happened or what was said, but my boyfriend came home and we got into a big fight. Despite what we had discussed before, he now said that he wanted kids and if I couldn't provide them, the wedding was off. I basically said "that sounds like your mother, not you", he replied with "I can speak for myself" and it escalated into a bunch of shouting at each other and I quickly put together a bag and went to my parents for the evening. I called in sick from work the next day and basically stared at the ceiling. We first met when I was 9, 23 years ago, it went from being friends to more romantic, we dated through high school and went to college together, then after graduation, moved in together. I have never dated or seen anyone else, neither has he as far as I know. We waited so long to get married, because it wasn't important to us as long as we were together. That changed when my dad got a terminal disease and he expressed his wish to walk me down the aisle (I'm his only daughter) before he became too ill to walk.
I'll be giving 2 month notice at work on Monday, to give them time to find a replacement and for me to train them, then moving back to Germany. (I didn't mention that my dad is German, my mom American, they originally met when she went there for work) I was born there and lived there at first and still have friends and family there. My friend, who I had mentioned before had volunteered to be a surrogate, has said I can stay in her spare room with her and her family until I get situated on my own there.
I'm sorry, no happy ending here. The evil mother in law won and got me out of her son's life. Technically, she got me out of the country. I know I could move elsewhere in town, or even in the state, but I don't want to be alone here, there's too many memories, and I have a strong support group (friends/family) overseas so that's where I'm going. I have been picked on so many times for so many things over the years (from my height to my accent when I first moved here (gone now, I sound like any other midwestern girl) to other things), but this one hurts. I was able to handle the others by telling myself "that's who I am, if they don't like it, that's their problem" and I'm sure in a few years, I'll think that about this situation too, but it's too soon. Thanks for reading and your kind words of support. I'm sorry if this seems incoherent, I'm just ranting here and crying, so it's hard to keep a decent train of thought.
**Update in Comments: Same Day (Same post)**
First of all, thank you all for your support and kind comments. Two weird things happened today, One I'm extremely embarrassed about and the other I thought was just weird. First, on my lunch hour, I had to run to the grocery store to pick up some things for my mom for dinner tonight. At the grocery store, who should I happen to run into but she-who-once could have been my mother in law. I don't know what to call her, so she will be Barbie. Walking down an aisle, who should happen to appear at the other end, but Barbie. We made brief eye contact, then she immediately turned and bolted out of there. guess she had nothing to say.
The second thing was my dad came with me to the house to help me pack up my things. He's already agreed to act as my representative when the house is sold to make sure I get my fair share. While there, he stands in the corner and just glares at my ex the whole time. Then my ex has this brilliant idea to ask for "one last time" right in front of my father. I guess I kinda snapped. I grabbed my sweater (you can guess what part of me was right under it that I grabbed) and said "You are never going to see these, much less touch them or play with them again or anything else" he turned red and walked out the door, and my dad went from staring with a "You hurt my daughter, you're lucky to be alive" look to just bursting out in laughter once the door closed behind my ex. He then said "I can't believe you just did that" to which I replied "neither can I". for this and the rest of my story, anytime my dad and I speak to each other, I am translating it to English beforehand rather than typing it twice. I just basically felt myself up in front of my dad.
we then went home for dinner with my mom and halfway through, my mom asked "what does Vanessa's (the girl I'm moving in with in Germany) husband do again?" and I just lost it. a perfectly honest question, but I just let it all go in big braying sobs. After a while, my dad came over and carried me upstairs to bed like he used to do when I was 5, where I am typing this now on my laptop. I told him to tell mom that she did nothing wrong, I just needed to release and unfortunately for her, that was the time.
A lady at work already volunteered to take my cat, and my dad will store stuff like my tennis trophies and yearbooks and pictures upstairs at his house. He said that even though I may not want those photos now, perhaps in 5 years or so, I will want them, so he's gonna keep them until I'm ready to take them back.
Thanks again for all your kind words and support. I will update as warranted and answer any further questions if I can.
**Update Comment: December 13, 2019**
Well, I gave notice at work today, had some more weirdness, and am now lying in bed with my laptop. First - while at lunch today, a dozen roses came with a note that simply said "I'm sorry". No more, no less, but I recognized the handwriting. I asked my coworker if she would like them to give to her little daughter at home and when she said "no, I know why you got them and I don't feel right taking them", so in the trash they went with the note. I was going to wait until Monday to give notice, but the gossip factory had been running full time the last couple of days, so I went and told my boss that I'm leaving, but I'll stay to help train a replacement. My last day is ironically Valentine's Day. What the hell, I've got nothing else to do that day. I'll spend two weeks after that here saying bye to people, going to a few of my favorite places in town and then on February 29, my parents are going to drive me to Chicago, about 4 hours away, and I leave for Munich on March 1. My friend Vanessa lives in Munich, so I'll stay at her place a few days while I try to figure out where to go and what to do. My hometown is about a 2-1/2 hour drive away and I still have family there, so I'll decide between now and then which one to base myself in. It's a small town(maybe about 40,000, I'm not sure the exact number, but it does have a castle and a large tin soldier museum), so I don't know if I'll stay in Munich (more opportunities), go up there and try to find something, or go somewhere else in Germany, like Hamburg or berlin.
I also went to the realtor who's selling the house and had to sign a bunch or papers giving my father authority to make any decisions regarding selling. the lady said no problem, she has a lot of experience with divorcing couples, and all I thought was "I was never even married".
I came home and we had dinner, then my mother and I sat down and she braided my hair. It has always been our thing to do this for mommy-daughter time. We did it for the big "It's not just for peeing" talk, when I was first diagnosed with my condition, before the state tennis tournament, when I went away to college, basically big moments. I think this counts as one of those.
Then my ex's best friend called, said he heard what happened, said it was pretty crappy (he used stronger language. but there might be children reading this) and wanted me to come over for an evening with his family before I left. I was more friends with his wife than him, but I'll go anyway.
Again, I can't thank this community enough for their support and kind words. sorry if I branch into irrelevant topics at times, but I just type as I think, and this is all going faster than I thought. Last week, I thought I might have to start planning for a wedding, and now, I'm planning on leaving the country and starting my life over.
My mother also suggested we go to the zoo in Chicago on my last day in America. I went there when we first moved to America, she thinks it would make the perfect bookend to my whole 23-year stay in America. It seems like just yesterday when we moved into a new house and a nice boy and his mother came over, brought us a basket of cookies, and welcomed us to the neighborhood while I was out front keeping my dog away from the movers. times (and people) sure do change.
***Relevant Comments:***
*A user is rightfully disgusted and baffled at the "one last time" comment:*
"He was never like that or I wouldn't have fallen in love with him in the first place. It's almost as if his switch was suddenly switched from "good" to "evil" (Simpson's reference). He used to be embarrassed to even hint in front of my father that we were having sex, then he has no problem asking for one last time in front of him. My co-worker said that I should treat it as if he had died, and mourn the loss and move on, and someone else took his place.
I also don't know why after receiving supportive emails from a couple of his family members (his father and aunt), I've now heard nothing since from either of them. I didn't know his mom had that much power over them. Then again, I didn't know until recently how much power she had over my ex."
*A commenter hypothesizes maybe he would have been written out of the will:*
"I would have thought that too, but they don't make much, enough to live on, and have no holdings I am aware of. But maybe there's a secret stash somewhere that only family knows about."
**Update in Comments: December 19, 2019**
Update- warning; there is an act of violence in here and I'm still shaking from it. No, the main one wasn't against me depending on how you define violence. My ex came over to my parents tonight and said he wanted to talk. I have a good idea what he hoped would happen, but it definitely did not. We had a brief chat in which he said he was sorry and I told him I was moving back home to Germany soon. He started to tear up and so did I. I take responsibility for giving him the opening that was about to happen. We're both crying and we start hugging. As we're hugging, I don't notice one of his hands moving down my back to my ass until he gets a good handful of ass cheek and squeezes it. As soon as it registered in my brain what he was doing, I stepped back and let loose with my 6'1", 155 lbs. (I'm a big girl) and 25+ years of developing a good forehand in tennis and just slapped him in the face. My hand still stings from the force of it. He staggered back and I just pointed to the door and yelled "get out!" though I may have added some naughty words with it. He looked shocked at me and hung his head and just walked out the door. After I heard him get in his car, start it, and drive off, I broke down in tears. My father, who had been waiting and listening outside the room the entire time (he later explained it as listening to see if I needed backup), came in the room to me crying more at this point and he started to give me a big hug. A couple minutes later while he's holding me, I thought that he might reach down and squeeze the other ass cheek. That thought sent me into hysterical laughter. We stood there holding each other while I'm alternating between laughing and crying. My mother comes downstairs and fixes us all something to drink. A few minutes later, my phone rings and according to caller ID, it's Barbie (my ex's mother and the one who started this all). Now I did not hear her side of the conversation, so anything attributed to her is what my father told me later. She basically says she's gonna call the cops on me for assaulting her son and my father says it was justifiable self-defense, my ex attacked me first (the ass squeeze) and we have cameras to show the whole thing to the cops should they show up (we don't, but she doesn't need to know that). She hung up and I haven't seen a cop since so I don't know if she was bluffing or my dad's threat scared her off.
Now I will admit that I miss the physical part of our relationship and he was my first and only at many things (first date, first kiss, first sex, etc.), but none of that outweighs the hurt he and his mother caused me. I would rather go celibate for life rather than let him touch me again. I shouldn't have let him hug me in the first place, but it was a weak moment and I know not to let him do that again. Again, thank you for reading and the kind words of support. I thought I wasn't going to update again after the last one, and yet something else happened. Hopefully, unless it is a response to something written here or a message, you won't get another update from me until I am in Germany and away from this mess. It's late and I'm going to bed now.
**Update in Comments: January 14, 2020**
Update: one mystery solved
Throughout this whole ordeal, there have been 2 mysterious things I had no answer for. 1 is why did he suddenly change his mind and 2. How did Barbie (his mother) find out? It wasn't common knowledge, nor did I tell her. I had my suspicions as to how and yesterday, they were confirmed.
Was downtown on my lunch break. Been training the new girl who's replacing me, she seems really nice and capable, I would have liked to work with her if the circumstances were different. At lunch, I ran into Steve, his friend and neighbor who he's known since he was 3 (or 6 years pre-Mia). He said he had heard about us. He said it was a shame that we had "broken up" and wanted to know if it had anything to do with my infertility. Now, I had not told Steve, he wasn't a close enough friend to confide in, so I asked what he knew of my "infertility". He then told me the whole story. This is from his point of view and I'm only relaying what he said, so may not be 100% accurate: Steve and Jack (my ex) were working on Steve's car (don't know what kind, only that it's from the 60's (I'm not a car girl, never have been. 4 wheels, an engine, and a good stereo system is all I need to know. If you ask me what kind, I would say it's blue and old, nothing more). Now, before this, we had a very informal proposal: what do you want on your toast, it looks like it's gonna rain today, should we get married. so they went to Jack's parents house, he wanted an old heirloom ring that had been in his family for centuries and wanted to make a formal proposal. He asked where it was and why he wanted it, and his mom ran crying with glee upstairs to find it. when she came back down with it, she was crying and said it would be nice to have the pitter patter of tiny feet around the house and was I currently pregnant? It seemed odd to her, I guess, that we were getting married after 16 years of dating/living together, so she thought maybe he had knocked me up and that's why the proposal after so many years. He said we already had the pitter patter of tiny feet in Babette (my cat), she said "No, I mean a baby, silly) and he responded with "Mia can't have babies" and then proceeded to tell her my whole medical situation. she said something like "this isn't going to happen", went back upstairs, returned the ring, and slammed the door. the next day is when she forbid (forbade?) me from marrying him, started calling me "defective" and started this whole story.
After telling me this story, I told Steve that yes, that is one factor in our break-up, he said "what a shame, you two made a great couple", and Jack was probably devastated. I then said bye and went on to lunch, and when I got home later that day, I went to my room and cried into my pillow before my father came up to get me for dinner. I had always suspected that he told her somehow, and while it's not a big state-secret, it's not something I have ever felt comfortable telling people. Now that I am telling this story on this site, I have no problem saying "my parts don't work" to complete strangers and it's been comforting. thank you all for your support, and I leave for Germany on March 1st. I'll try to answer any questions you may have for me before then, but I guarantee nothing as I'll be kind of busy with packing and doing my "farewell tour" around town (saying bye to old friends, going to restaurants I like and won't be back to in years, if ever, things like that).
So that's one mystery solved, and the other could be solved if he would just answer it, rather than taking any form of communication I have with him as some sort of desire for him to get in my pants. Thanks again for your words and support, and barring something big happening between now and then, the next part of my story will come after March 1.
**Update in Comments: April 10, 2020**
Two part update. We'll start with the good first. I left America March 1 and flew to Munich. Sat next to an elderly lady who was scared to death of flying, but was going to visit her son and his family (I don't remember what he did or why he was in Germany). So for the 10 or so hours we were in the air, she held my arm in a death grip and anytime we hit an air pocket or shook around a little (it was a relatively smooth flight with just a few bumps here and there) she gripped even tighter and later I discovered I had a bruise, but fortunately her nails didn't dig in. After deplaning and going through customs, she met up with her son and his family. This happened before all the quarantine and isolation started in earnest, so not much of a problem there. Then all the fun started with the quarantine and I've spent most of my time at my friend's house, tutoring her kids in English and generally helping out around the house. I had 3 interviews scheduled before I got here, but they were all cancelled. My Uncle up in Kulmbach has volunteered to drive the 3 hours down and take me back up there, but I haven't decided yet.
The bad - apparently Jack (my ex) has been having a hard time with this. Normally, when I and the family flew back to Germany in the past, we flew out of Cedar Rapids, up to Chicago or Minneapolis then flew on to Germany. Apparently, from what a friend told me, he drove out to the Cedar Rapids airport, not knowing we had driven up to Chicago and I flew direct from there. when I didn't show up there, he went home and figured he got the time/date wrong. He sent a few letters to my house, I had my mother open and read one to me on the phone, but shortly stopped her. Even though my mother and I have been open about my sex life, there were things in that letter I didn't feel like hearing or having her hear. The letters stopped when he lost his job for non-quarantine related reasons and later wound up in jail. Nobody has been able to tell me exactly what happened, but best guess from what I've been told, one night, he got into a shouting match with his mother, which turned physical and his dad had to peel him off her until the cops showed up and arrested him, so I guess things got pretty bad so that one of the neighbors called the cops. I never would have expected this from him with anybody, much less his mom. If only he could have fought this hard for me way back when, things might be different.
So, as of this update, I'm sitting around with not much to do, but at least I'm not in jail. Sorry for any errors, I loaned my laptop to my friend's son and it hasn't worked properly since, though he claims he did nothing bad to it. He's a good kid, so I believe him that it was probably just an accident. Hope everyone is staying safe and doing as well as can be during this time. auf wiedersehen. -Mia
***Comment April 13, 2020:***
Thank you for your kind comments. the older lady on the plane was funny, when she sat down, she said "shprecken zee english?" (Intentionally misspelled to demonstrate how bad it was.) I hope things are well with her and she's able to get back to America eventually.
There is a restaurant in Munich I was looking forward to going to, but that's been put off for a while I guess.
I have no idea what his intention in going to the airport was. If he thought there might be a "talk her out of going" moment, or just to simply say goodbye. I asked my mother to save up all the letters and mail them to me in a few months just out of curiosity. Maybe I'll read them on my birthday (July 12) - yet another thing to think about and ponder for a while.
Thanks again for your kind words and stay safe out there."
***Comment April 14, 2020:***
Thank you and I saw no problem with your english. I had been thinking of calling him while I was here, but his recent troubles have made me rethink it. I have no idea how you call someone currently in jail. If I am motivated enough, I might try it. He only mailed the letters to my parents' house in Iowa because he has no clue, other than Germany, where I am right now. I am hoping that when this virus thing blows over, I will return to America for a visit in 2 years and maybe I will feel comfortable by then to see him in person.
It's like he had a complete personality change and that's what mystifies me the most. He went from quiet and reserved to some sort of deviant maniac and now I wonder when at some time in our marriage (if it had gone through), he would have laid his hands on me, like he did with his mother.
To answer a previous question, I will be 33 in July and he will also be 33 in October.
I have been to a lot of European countries, but Spain has not been one of them. Maybe once I get established here, it will be easier for me to jet over and check it out.
Thank you again for your kind words. Stay safe during this current crisis.
**Edit:** u/Simple_Enthusiasm_51 **found some more posts.**
[Post 1](https://www.rareddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/comments/g49jsj/update_from_germany_i_talked_to_him/) **April 19 2020**
I actually spoke to him yesterday on the phone. when last I updated, he had been arrested and thrown in jail for assaulting his mother. I don't know if he's out on bail, or there were no charges, or what, but he has spent the last few days sittting in my parent's front yard, doing nothing but sitting. My dad said he was going to go out there and kick his ass, but my mom, who's definitely the cooler headed of the two, went out there and calmly told him I was gone and he should pick up and start his life over too. She called me and told me this, so I decided to call him, which I did last night. He answered and sounded kind of relieved it was me, but also sad. J=Jack (my ex), M=me (or Mia, either one works). This is the conversation to the best of my memory:
J: Hello
M: Hello, I understand you're out in my parent's front yard. Well, I'm not there, so please leave them alone.
J: I was hoping that the rumors I heard weren't true, that you were still here and we could talk.
M: I tried talking before and you just took it as a chance to grab my ass and act as if sex could solve this whole thing.
J: I'm sorry, I've never broken up before, so I'm not sure how to go about it.
M: I've never broken up before either, but I think I've handled it better. I just gotta know - why?
J: I have to do what my mother says, and she wasn't happy when she found out you couldn't have children.
M: You're 32, I don't think you have to do what your mother says anymore.
J: you just don't understand.
M: I do understand. We had discussed the problem before and had come up with solutions which apparently aren't satisfactory to her, so you threw our relationship away. Did it mean that little to you?
J: You didn't have to go away. When are you coming back?
M: Not for a couple of years. Once this whole pandemic thing is over, I can hopefully find a job and my own place to stay.
J: Come back, please.
M: I'm sorry, but you made your choice. Barbie (his mother) or me. I hope the two of you are quite happy together.
throughout all of this, he is crying, and I'm doing my best not to.
J: Please come back, we can get married and adopt or whatever. I'm sorry, we can find a way to work this out.
M: I told you there were always alternatives, but you threw those away along with me. Plus, Barbie's going around calling me defective and she won't accept us adopting, how does that change?
J: You're not defective. I'm sorry, but I can't control what she thinks.
M: No, but you support what she thinks. You've known this about me since we were 16, suddenly it's an issue.
J: I don't like her calling you defective. In case you hadn't heard, I just spent time in jail for defending you.
M: Maybe if you had done that when this all started, I'd still be there.
I think that broke him, because he kept quietly whispering "sorry" over and over and then hung up. I just laid on the bed and quietly cried until viktoria (my friend's oldest child) knocked quietly and told me it was time for dinner.
sorry for the formatting, still trying to get used to how reddit works. Also sorry if I came across as a bitch in this, but when someone throws away a relationship that goes back to childhood, I can be a bit upset. Hope everyone is staying safe through this whole pandemic thing and hopefully, when it's all over, I can get on with my life here in Germany
[Post 2](https://www.rareddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/comments/ghvfut/update_from_a_different_part_of_germany/) **May 11 2020**
Warning: there is talk of suicide in here, not me, just someone else in the story hinting at it
so, I moved out of my friend vanessa's this weekend. Her family was incredibly nice in taking me in, but when we first planned this, it was pre-virus, and I thought I'd have my own place and a job and everything. My uncle said he would drive down and pick me up and I felt better taking his offer than continuing down there. So, he came down Saturday, spent the night with some friends of his, and we drove back up to Kulmbach on Sunday, where I am currently staying with him and his wife and typing this out before bed.
It's weird being here, given I was born here and lived my first 9 years here, but even when I've been here on vacation in the past, it never felt as strange just being here. I don't know if it's the feeling of the town being deserted, or my current personal situation, it just doesn't feel right. Anyway, that's enough of miscellaneous rambling, I'm just trying to avoid typing the real part of this story if you couldn't tell.
Friday night, Jack (my ex) called me. I still have the same phone and the same account back in Iowa, so when it rang with his distinct ring tone, it caught me by surprise. I picked it up and said, "Whaddya want?", which I know was a bit rude and I apologized to him about it as soon as he said, "I just wanted to see how you were doing and say hi". So, we proceeded to have a pleasant conversation, when I could hear screeching and a "is that her?" followed by him saying "I'm talking, leave me alone" when she (Barbie, his mother who started all this) got on and said, "Leave my son alone, haven't you done enough damage?" To which I responded by simply hanging up. She must have gotten his phone and tried calling me a few more times, none of which I answered, but when I checked voice mails later, she was going off on how I "ruined his life", how he had lost his job (which we knew was going to happen anyway last year when the owner of his company announced his retirement and that he was selling off the assets, but he gave one year notice and even helped some employees find work elsewhere, he had lost his house (we sold our house after our breakup), he had been caught "drinking in public" (I guess he bought a few bottles, went down near the lake and drank in the park and got busted by the police for it, heard that from another friend earlier, and how he had attacked her (mentioned before, but I secretly hoped he would have decked her good before his dad intervened). She even got to use her favorite word, "defective", saying that if she had known 16 years ago that I was defective, she would have gotten her son a nice, normal girl to be with. She also mentioned that Jack had talked about suicide recently, saying there's no point in going on. i tried calling back, but every time, she picked up the phone and resumed her screaming, so I gave up trying and just wrote him a letter, which I sent to my parents for them to deliver to his house, figuring barbie would just see it was from me and intercept it if I sent it to him directly. I told him that I still loved him and wanted him to do well in life and move on, but that it was over between us.
So, here I am 5000 miles away, civilization shut down, living with my aunt and uncle and just waiting for when I can put my life back together. Thanks for reading, and sorry about any formatting errors. I think I'll put up my laptop now and go to sleep. | 8,138 | 2022-12-19T05:42:39 | Future mother in law doesn't want her son to marry "defective" merchandise | INCONCLUSIVE | LucyAriaRose | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/zpja80/future_mother_in_law_doesnt_want_her_son_to_marry/ | false | false | [
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zpo0qj | [removed] | 1 | 2022-12-19T10:29:03 | Am I the only one who finds it difficult to find downloaded files videos or audios in iPhone? | EXTERNAL | learning-Pro-001 | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/zpo0qj/am_i_the_only_one_who_finds_it_difficult_to_find/ | false | false | [
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zps8n7 | I'm not the OOP. This was posted by u/surv_life in r/trueoffmychest.
**Trigger Warning** - >!assault, incest!<
**Mood Spoiler** - >!L birth family, W husband!<
[Original](https://www.reddit.com/r/TrueOffMyChest/comments/z833yi/when_i_was_a_teenager_my_brother_assaulted_me_my/) (1 Dec 22)
**When I was a teenager my brother assaulted me. My parents never belived me and did nothing. Now they demand me to save my father and apologize to my brother.**
When I was a teenager, my brother assaulted me. Despite Im 2 years older than him, he was bigger and stronger than me. He threated me with hurting me, that no one would believe me, and kept doing it until I had enough and told my parents about it.
Sadly, he was rigth. My parents didnt believed me. They were really mad and punished me hard, for "saying that horrible things about my brother". He was always their favorite, so they couldnt believe he done that. I tried really hard to convince them, even showed my mother the bruises on my legs and the marks of his bites, but she refused to believe me.
The moment I was able to, I ran away from home. For years I resent them, even hated them. My brother for the abuse and my parents for doing nothing to help me. They only knew the truth because one day my brother was really drunk and told my dad about it (he told him how I was "his first" and how much fun he got from me). They contacted me, and I believed they would apologize, offer me help, or even make my brother face the consecuences of what he did, but no, my mother idea was that everyone must admit we all do wrong, we all made mistakes, and forgive each other for everything, so we could keep that in the past and became a happy and united family again. I left them and never talked to them again. Thats the moment I decided they were not my family anymore.
Now, in the present, after several years, lots of struggles and a long time in therapy, Im finally having a happy life. Im married with a wonderful man, and aiming to some day start a family with him. Until recently my mother found me. My father is sick, his liver is failing, and needs a new one. My mother knows that my blood type is the same as my father's, so he reached me to make me test, so I could donate my liver to him.
I told her no. I just cant, no to him, no to any of them. She said that I owe him that at least, that I was being an ungrateful daughter, that he is my father and thats the least I can do for the family, that I have no right to be so spiteful for a "silly teenage mistake", and I was kiling him for saying no.
I tried to stay strong, until one day my brother contacted my husband. Beside telling him about my father situation and how I said no, he told him lots of awful things and lies about me, saying how I used to be a "easy one", a liar, that I offered myself to everyone, he even lied on how I took advantage of him, even mentioned details of my body that would be imposible to know in a normal situation. He pointed me as the worst scumbag that ever lived.
My husband didnt knew anything about my past. I only told him that my family was abusive, bit never told him everything. He didnt believed him, but he wanted to know the truth and asked me my version. I broke down and cried like never before while I told him everything. He hugged me all the time, making me feel protected.
My mother and brother are still harassing me, trying to guilt me until I acept to do the tests. They even demanded me to apologize to them. My husband has helped me a lot with them, keeping them away. I feel like Im back in my teenage years, feeling so scare, weak and vulnerable. I believed i had overcome that part of my life, but I see I haven't
[Update](https://www.reddit.com/r/TrueOffMyChest/comments/zkdt7q/update_when_i_was_a_teenager_my_brother_assaulted/) (13 Dec 22)
**Update: When I was a teenager my brother assaulted me. My parents never belived me and did nothing. Now they demand me to save my father and apologize to my brother.**
I want to thank all of you, this last few days had been terrifiying. Lots of things happened and I dont know where to start. I felt weak and defenseless and I was about to break multiple times, but all your support helped a lot, helped me to comprehend I'm not the monster here, that they had no rigth of anything from me, having people telling me almost everyday that they are the evil ones and the support of my husband had make me stay strong. I'm dont know how to say thank you enough to all of you.
After reading your comments, I tried to take all your advices. I asked to talk with them, to get information and maybe some recordings, my husband stayed at my side all the time (thing that my mother hated, saying multiple times that he had nothing to do there, that this was an "only family" issue, that she doesnt recognize him as my husband because we never married on their community's church, but I told them he is with me, even if they dont like it). They were'nt lying, my dad is dying and is way worse that I thougth, he need my liver ASAP, and aparently I was their last option. They belived that I would bend and do anything they ordered the moment they contacted me, just as I used to when I was a child, but not anymore.
As some suggested, I started to record every conversation with my phone. I tried to make them admit about the abuse and their role in it (because, as some told me to, I investigated and what my brother did to me does not prescribe), but it was meaningless, mom just keep saying that never happened, that all was lies, that I'm insane and only wanted to hurt the family. I even told my dad that I would take the test if they helped me, to testify or sign a document saying what my brother did to me, but again, it was useless. Mom keep saying that never happened and I was lying, and dad... he acted like I insulted him, saying things like "How I dare to try to extort them with something like that, that I should be ashamed for everything I did to THEM, and that I should be the one kneeling in front of them, begging for their forgiveness and offering everything I had to save his life".
After everything that happened, even in that situation, they still believe I'm the problematic child they always claimed I was, that they still had authority over me, and that I owe them this. I was done after that. I told them I'm not doing that, that they have no rigth to ask me anything, that I dont considered them my parents since they enabled my brother to abuse me. My husband and I left them, but all the way to the car my mother followed us, yelling at me for "killing my own father", she even quote the bible saying that "I should obey my father and mother, but looks like I wanted to add another sin to my list".
Since then the harassment became worst. I'm getting called every day, lots of awfull texts, calling me selfish, calling me murderer. I tried my best to keep and look strong but I had been breaking in tears every day at the shower, it still hurts. We tried for the restriction order but is going to be stupidly slow, as they dont believe I'm in inmediatly risk, and because is december and people dont do much on this days. But my breaking point arrived 2 days ago, when my mother called again. I take all the calls and record them, to try to have something that help me, in case she say something or admit what my brother did. But this time she went rigth to hurt me.
She always knew how to hurt me, what buttons press, she told me lots of awfull things, like how they told everyone in their comunity that I ran away because I was an addict and became a protitute, that I was a shame, that I will burn in hell for killing my father, for lie and turn my back to the family. She told me how I was broken merch, that no one would ever really love me for not being pure, that "that man" (that's how she call my husband) would use me, get bored and leave me as the trash I am, and that every men would do the same. She kept on it for 30 minutes, I tried to reply at the begining, make her say something, make her to commit a mistake, but at some point it was too much, I couldnt stand anymore and break.
My husband found me on the floor, I was a crying mess, shaking, I tried to be strong, to face them, to maybe find some justice for what he did, but I couldnt take it anymore, I'm not that strong. He hugged me while I cried, I begged him to never leave, to love me, to take me away from there, I didnt want to know anything about them. He let me cry and supported me until I fell sleep, I dont know how he did it but I woke up in bed. It was 4 a.m. when I woke up, he was still awake, taking care of me.
I told him that I couldnt do it anymore, I cant stand against this, the trasplant, trying to make my brother pay, I was done, and just wanted to escape. He told me the we would do anything I wanted, as long as I was safe and happy.
Yesterday, he came to me, and asked me if I really meaned what I said about an escape. I told him yes, I wanted to just get out, turn off my phone, and to dont think about any of this, so I was impatient for our trip (every year we stay with his family for christmas and new year, his family is amazing and those days are super fun). Well, he said that we could have a little vacations before our vacations.
He said that, after a little research, he got us a trip to Las Vegas and Disney. He got everything ready, only needed to confirm, so he was asking me if I really wanted to get out. I was livid. I freaking LOVE Disney and always wanted to go to Disneyland. I wanted to say yes, but how are we going to pay it? We are not poor and have some savings, but everything he was offering me sounds really expensive.
To put you in context, my husband loves videogames, and, beside our own savings, he has been saving to buy a complete gaming setup. He wanted to buy it for his birthday, but he told me that, after he saw me, and how I was, he needed to do something, so he decided to take that money and use it. This is one of the most beautiful things he had done for me, I cried and hugged him. So now, we are going to USA!!.
I'm aware this is not a solution, and these monsters will still be there when I return, but with this I'm getting away from them, to have peace and fun and to be surrounded of people that love and care about me. To me, that is a win.
I notified the hospital that I'm being preassured for the trasplant, and that I dont want to do it. Now, no matter what, I'm not giving him anything. I send a final text to my mother, saying I will never do it, to stop harrasing me and never try to talk to me again, and that I will go to the police and do everything I can to put my brother in jail, I dont want any of them in my life again. I blocked my mother's number and every unknow number that they had used this days, in going full no contact again.
It's going to be hard, long and painful, but I had my husband support, and all you beautiful Reddit people. Again, thank you, and happy holidays to everyone.
**Reminder - I'm not the OOP** | 5,883 | 2022-12-19T13:56:07 | When I was a teenager my brother assaulted me. My parents never belived me and did nothing. Now they demand me to save my father and apologize to my brother. | CONCLUDED | prettiergenghis | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/zps8n7/when_i_was_a_teenager_my_brother_assaulted_me_my/ | false | false | [
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zpvvo5 | I'm not the OOP. This was posted by u/similar-light1034 in r/trueoffmychest.
[Original](https://www.reddit.com/r/TrueOffMyChest/comments/zed43s/my_husband_wanted_to_sleep_with_other_people_now/) (7 Dec 22)
**My husband wanted to sleep with other people, now he’s upset about me doing it**
My husband basically begged for a year, maybe longer, to sleep with other people. He knew I didn’t want it. I told him no over and over and over. I was crying so many times after he would ask. I told him I was depressed about it, I didn’t want it, why does he want other people. He said it’s nothing about me, he just wants to see what its like with other people. That i look good but he isn’t doing it because of looks. Basically just wanted to try anyone else.
After he wouldn’t stop I said fine. I told him I didn’t want to do it but he would not quit asking so fine just go for it. He did some stuff with a person but not full blown sex. That’s all he’s done. He told me when he was begging that whole time that I can do it too and I can go have fun and go away for the night.
Well I wasn’t that interested but I started talking to someone and the conversation just went that way. I haven’t felt wanted like this in forever. Keep in mind he told me a week ago I can go find someone and just tell him when I’m going. So I told him last week I’m talking to someone, then the other night said ok I’m going to do it.
Well then he comes to me the next day and says he was so sad about it and couldn’t sleep all night and he is scared I’m going to leave him. I told him honestly I’m pretty pissed because I felt like that for a year and he knew how I didn’t want to do it but he kept begging so he’s getting what he wanted. So now he’s saying he regrets it and he feels bad for doing that to me. I told him oh well he did it and it’s bullshit to change it when it’s benefitting me.
I honestly might divorce if he tells me I can’t because he put me through so much shit. I do not want to be a single mom but I am pretty mad about this. I gave him what he wanted after all of that torment and heartache and now he is pulling this. He said he hasn’t changed his mind but if he does then I’m done. He wanted this, he got it. He didn’t care about how much it hurt me.
Edit - I wanted to add more info.. about being a single mom, I’ve been a stay at home mom a long time. I have absolutely no family or help nearby, I’m alone. Half of me feels it isn’t fair that I should have to go struggle alone because of his choice to do this. He will be fine. He makes great money. I’m the one being punished. I feel like maybe at this point i might have to but it just adds to the hurt that I am going to have to struggle so much for something I never asked for. I didn’t sign up for this. I signed up for a family. I didn’t finish school and I will not find a good paying job. I have no idea how to afford this. And it makes me sad I won’t be able to be there as much for my daughter anymore if I do this. I know parents do it all the time but I liked the life I had before this happened. It just doesn’t feel fair. Being a stay at home mom worked for us because he works a ton, constantly, and goes out of town for work trips and we didn’t have to worry about 2 work schedules. I just got to be a mom and focus on my family.
[Update](https://www.reddit.com/r/TrueOffMyChest/comments/zkjh1z/update_my_husband_wanted_to_sleep_with_other/) (13 Dec 22)
**(UPDATE) My husband wanted to sleep with other people, but now he’s upset about me doing it**
Well things are still kind of in limbo right now. We got into a couple fights since that last post and I think we have talked a lot and gotten a lot of things out of the way. Honestly I’ve never seen my husband that sad or worried before, I’ve only seen him cry twice and he was crying over this.
Right now, we are not divorcing. Not sure if I’m even interested in the other guy anymore, we haven’t been talking much. Because of his end, not mine. During the first fight we had I told my husband I don’t care what he says, I’m doing it either way since he wanted it. And I told him he’s just mad he hasn’t found anyone. He said maybe that’s true but he’s not sure. So then he was depressed a few days because I said I’m gonna do whatever I wanna do. But now that’s I’m losing interest in the other guy we might just close it off on both ends and go to therapy. We also might keep it open though.
The other thing is I think my husband has had a porn addiction the last year. There were times he’d rather have that than me. And i told him I think he has one. Since this has happened he told me he thinks I was right and he stopped watching it. Honestly I think he does feel bad and he does want to try. He knows I’m mad that he put me through all of that but he says he didn’t realize it made me so depressed. Not sure how he didn’t notice but whatever.
I just want to say, besides this issue he is a really good husband and dad. He isn’t a bad person,and I do want to try to work through this. It’s not like I have anything else going on anyways. If I am ever single again I am staying that way. I’ve been divorced before, but had no kids together. My ex was horrible and controlling. He would pin me against the wall or floor if I was upset at his behavior and tell me I wasn’t allowed to move until I stopped crying. Did lots of other shit too but you get the idea. My husband isn’t like that at all. And before this things were fine. So maybe we can get back there, I wanna try at least.
**Reminder - I'm not the OOP** | 2,691 | 2022-12-19T16:18:35 | My husband wanted to sleep with other people, now he’s upset about me doing it. | ONGOING | prettiergenghis | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/zpvvo5/my_husband_wanted_to_sleep_with_other_people_now/ | false | false | [
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zpy9wj | [removed] | 1 | 2022-12-19T17:47:28 | OOP "MIL" posts in AITA about wanting her brother invited to her daughter's wedding. Redditors smell BS. OOP "Fiancée" posts updates in JUSTNOMIL. | CONCLUDED | cbm984 | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/zpy9wj/oop_mil_posts_in_aita_about_wanting_her_brother/ | false | false | [
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zpyapm | I am not the OOP and to avoid potentially brigading her, I will not link her profile here.
[***Original***](https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/comments/rxqttu/told_my_mom_that_her_coming_out_is_what_ruined/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3)***- Told my mom that her coming out is what ruined things between us - Jan 06, 2022***
I tried posting this elsewhere but I think it got caught in a spam filter and the mods haven't responded. I don't know if this is the right place to go either since I'm 16 F. Like I mostly live with my dad but I spend a weekend every month with mom. They divorced three years ago. Mom moved in with my cousin and it was cool cause I went there all the time.
Like a year and a half ago mom made me go there, introduced me to this girl and came out to me and said they were dating. She and her fiancee are engaged now. She also said they were moving to Victoria in a week. So yeah, after a week she was gone. From where I am to her it's a drive, a ferry ride and then another drive. It takes a while to see her that's why I can only go once a month.
Since she left everything's so sucky between us. Now its like a good morning message and FT good night for 5 minutes. And everything else that changed with her just dipping like that sucks too. I don't even like visiting her cause its like I don't belong with her and her fiancee but I went cause I thought that she wanted to see me and I miss her a lot every day.
This weekend I was in Victoria and she was FT my cousin while I studied and they got to wedding talk. She said stuff like how her life is 100x better since she left, how she's finally got real happiness in her fiancee, her fianceeis her world now and can't wait to fully move on from her old life. It just made me so freaking angry like her life is so much better with me barely in it? And move on from that old life? I'm from that old life! I guess she noticed I was pissed cause at night she tried to talk to me. I said I didn't want to talk but she's like she deserves to know when something's wrong with her girl since I always seem so depressed whenever I come over and that just made me snap and I lost it and started shouting at her. I was like I fucking hate the way she came out cause my life got a lot worse and it ruined things between us and it sucks that it's like she wants me gone cause she's happier without me. That started a pretty bad argument cause she was like I'm blowing it out of proportion, I just don't understand and then mom just left the room but I heard her crying when I walked by her room to go to the washroom at night. In the morning her fiancee drove me to the ferry right after breakfast instead of after dinner. Since then it was just texts cause I didn't want to talk to her.
My dad and his gf have noticed my attitude so yesterday I told them what happened and he flipped telling me I couldnt say that shit to my mom and his gf said I was an asshole for saying it. Before I went to sleep I FTd mom to talk again and she said my happiness is hers and if she's why I'm depressed I shouldn't see her til I'm ready. Now I don't know like if I was wrong to say that shit to mom or what I should do even (my fucking counselor is still in Barbados). My dad's at work and his gf's like she's staying out of it and my cousin did too.
Again sorry if this is the wrong subreddit. If there's a better one for me to post since the other one I tried doesn't seem to be it either please let me know.
[***1st Update***](https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/comments/siwo00/update_told_my_mom_that_her_coming_out_is_what/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3) ***- Feb 02, 2022***
So a lot of shit has happened since my last post and I just feel more shit than before. I didn't plan on posting here again but you all were so nice I thought it couldn't hurt to hear what you have to say. But I called my uncle (he wanted to see me) cause I was scared my dad told him and then he's ashamed of me too cause he's gay and he's my fav uncle ever. So he picked me up after school and I went to his apartment and he just gave me a big hug cause he knew something was up. So I told him what I said and why I said it and that I was scared he'd be mad at me too if my dad was the one who told him. He just told me he isn't mad and he understands and we played basketball at the court nearby until it was time for him to drop me off.
That was like the last time I've even felt actually happy cause the entire rest of this month has been such absolute shit. Like I phoned my mom to say sorry the day after and talk about how I feel but all she did was get mad at me for telling my uncle and said I'm not allowed to share stuff about her home without her permission. I said was sorry about both things but she said it didn't matter now and just hung up. Then her fiancee texted and just said to give my mom a few days to calm down that just made me mad cause why should I she's my mom! I should be able to phone her whenever and I tried but she just declined my call and then I think turned off her phone.
I dunno I haven't slept properly at all since then cause I think I ruined things with my mom for good like all she's been doing is texting me and we've barely actually talked. Like I keep thinking about it and my thoughts and dreams just get all messed up and its like I get this soft lump in my stomach that keeps coming and going the more I think about it. It feels like I was right about me being part of her old life and I wish I'd never said what I did to her.
Then it turns out I was supposed to get a tetanus shot when I was 11 but I didn't for some reason (we're not antivaxxers) so I had to get it now cause dad said VCHA was on his ass and I ended up having a terrible allergic reaction to it. Like I got sent to the hospital for a week cause of it (Like apparently super rare reaction hooray for me) and that fucked up my exams too and my mom didn't even come see me cause she was going to a cabin with her fiancee the day after. She talked to my dad on the phone and learned how bad it was but just texted me she knew I'd be better and that if I was still there when she came back she'd come right away like it made me want to stay in the hospital for longer. She didn't fucking come everyone came but her like my cousin came every day and my dad's gf even slept by me a few days and my niece's and even my boyfriend's and best friends moms came but mine didn't! And when I got out all I got was a text saying so happy you're out of the hospital baby with a selfie from her and her partner showing off the cabin included with it.
Like I couldn't stop looking at that stupid photo I like obsessed over it for days and kept getting that stupid feeling in my stomach and so I smashed my phone and my dad's gf heard and he got an emergency meeting with my counselor (she's a psychologist but I've always called her that) set up. And I told her everything but more details obvi and at the end of it she said I'm very likely depressed and might need treatment. I dunno I got scared and asked her to tell my dad and she did and told us to get our family doctor give a referral to a psychiatrist to get proper diagnosis for treatment or to just get it from the family doctor. My dad got scared and made us get that referral the next day. My dad made the appointment and asked my mom to come but she said she won't be able to and just texted me to stay strong and remember I'm the most important thing in the world to her.
I don't know what to do I don't want meds or anything I just want my mom to love me like she used to again. If you guys have any advice on what to do I need to hear it cause its like my mom isn't even listening to me anymore and the appointment is on Friday and I'm feeling scared.
[***2nd Update***](https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/comments/usi1pi/update_2_told_my_mom_that_her_coming_out_is_what/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3) ***- May 18th, 2022***
So, I would've made an update earlier but I just didn't have time. I'm in the hospital right now recovering from my ankle surgery and all I have is time until I can go home on Friday, so I thought I might as well update.
The day after I wrote my post I had my niece's mom (my cousin in law but she introduces me as her little sister so SIL) drive me to my uncle and he just gave me the biggest hug ever and I dunno I just ended up crying a little and they endedup calming me down. I told my uncle about the appointment with the psychiatrist and that I was scared even though everybody (you guys) was saying it would be okay and that I'd just been so unhappy and that I just missed my mom so much. He agreed to go with me and my dad to the psychiatrist cause my mom wouldn't be coming.
I dunno I just didn't sleep at all that night and just felt so scared in the morning and kept thinking about mom and didn't want to go to school either but I did go just felt so weird like that feeling in my stomach was just there and not going away. Only hanging out with my boyfriend felt right and before lunch time I just fell asleep in class and got sent to the office they phoned my dad and he signed me out and dropped me off at my uncle's house. He was already taking care of my niece so I felt bad but I went to sleep at the same time as her and he took a really cute photo of us sleeping next to each other. He woke me up when my dad came back and we just went to the psychiatrist together. Long story short at the end of the appointment the psychiatrist prescribed me a really low dose of antidepressants cause I'm still scared. I've been taking them and they have made me feel a bit better but I have another appointment next week cause my counselor says I might need a higher dose.
When I vented to my couneslor she said she'd be willing to host an extra joint session between me and my mom on zoom if she agreed and that it might help if I get my feelings across with a third party. I didn't want to do it but some of you recommended it and my counselor said it could be a good first step. So I called my mom and it was a short conversation again but she agreed to the counseling session and all I had to do was send her the zoom link so we set one up for later.
So I had the zoom session in our computer room so I'd be all alone there and at first my mom seemed so excited cause she was like we can work through our issues and put them behind us. I don't want to talk about all of it I mean I couldn't anyway I can't remember most of it but it didn't goo good at all like when my counselor brought up me not being with her that much my mom said when I came to uvic I'd obviously stay with her and I just said after everything I didn't even want to go uvic anymore and would rather just go to UBC cause everybody here actually wants me. My mom said that was ridiculous since outside of Waterloo Uvic was the best optioon for software engineering in Canada and UBC only has electrical computer engineering so I'd have to go to her if I still wanted to do that. I remember my mom said like a few times like she'd spent over a decade doing nothing but be a mom and now that she finally understood herself she just wanted time to explore that and I should appreciate that.
Then at the end of it I told my mom that I hated that she didn't come and see me in the hospital and that she didn't even phone me like I told her I was scared I'd die and she just said it wasn't that serious cause it was a vaccine and those protect us and to not act like it was srious. I dunno that made me mad and I just muted my mic cause I didn't want them to hear me crying but I kinda hada breakdown and just ran out to my dad and his fiancee cause I was crying. They said they ended the session but I don't know what they said to my mom or the counselor. Apparently I fell asleep crying on the couch while hugging my dad but I don't remember any of it but my dad said I was crying really loudly. I think they carried me to their bed cause when I woke up in the morning I was there and my dad was on a mattress by the door and she was on one by the washroom door. They said it was to block me cause they were scared I'd try something. My dad took my new phone and laptop from me for a bit and said it might be healthy for me to stay off them for a bit. I have them back now.
I haven't talked to my mom at all since then I mean not even good morning good night texts. She hasn't contacted me at all about my broken ankle even though I had surgery yesterday and I feel like she doesn't even care that I got hurt. Like I know dad told her that I'm going to surgery but she hasn't called. I have my phone and laptop back now but my dad made me delete IG and snap cause he's worried seeing her on there might trigger me. A lot of you said I should stop talking to hr but I feel bad about it like when I think about it makes me feel worse like it's over now and I don't have her anymore. I just want her back.
The only time I learn what's up with her is if I go to my cousin (who my mom stayed with after the divorce) and ask and apparently she's still happy and is occupied with all her wedding planning. Like another thing that sucks is that I used to love watching Scream with my cousin but now I can't even watch it cause I feel bad for Billy cause his mom left him too and I feel bad for feeling like that cause he's the villain. So I couldn't even get through our rewatch and we couldn't even watch the new one. I told my counselor that I still feel really bad and sad and nothing's changed and she said I need to bring it up at my next appointment with the psychiatrist so he can up my dose.
I don't know I feel confused and I don't like not seeing or talking to my mom at all. I feel like I've done the wrong thing. I've tried to do things we used to with my dad's fiancee and my boyfriend's mom but it's not the same and I just miss her more even though she probably doesn't miss me at all. I wish I could see her but I don't want to keep ruining things for myself cause what if she doesn't want me anymore. I'd rant to my counselor about it but I'm stuck in the hospital bed till Friday so I guess that's why I'm back here looking for advice on what to do when I'm out of here.
[***3rd Update***](https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/comments/w8q1bo/update_3_told_my_mom_that_her_coming_out_is_what/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3) ***- July 26th, 2022***
Hey guys I'm posting again cause I'm confused as to what's going on and I thought maybe I'd get some opinions here before I bring it up with my therapist. Pretty much, I don't know if my mom hates me still or if now she wants to be my mom again. Cause everything that she's done lately has made it so confusing.
So my foot is still bad. The doctor said it's healing but I'm mostly confined to crutches or to a wheelchair and so I'm not really able to go to a lot of places. I mean I can go anywhere but I don't go cause it just takes too long to get around. I'm guessing that my cousin told my mom cause apparently she came to New Westminster and did her wedding dress shopping there with my cousin and her fiancee and she didn't even tell me. I know we hadn't talked since the therapy session but she promised me that I would get to do that with her and she didn't even tell me. I found out cause when I visited my cousin she showed me the dresses she was going to wear at the wedding and at the reception and the ones my mom and her got for me to wear at those. I was confused cause I was sad she didn't take me but happy cause that meant she still wanted me there.
Anyway her wedding was on Canada Day and I went with my cousin to Victoria a week earlier. My dad did say I didn't need to go but I didn't want to miss it. We stayed at an airbnb that my mom got for some of our relatives cause her place was too small. She didn't come to visit me there but my cousin went to meet her and I didn't go cause my foot was hurting really bad. When she came back she said my mom was really disappointed I didn't come as well. The day after I was going to go shopping downtown with my cousin but then my mom came. Like when she saw me she didn't give me a hug like she usually gives, she just kind of held my shoulders and gave an awkward kiss on the cheek and said she's glad that I decided to come. Then she kind of turned me over to my aunt (my mom's cousin) to go shopping with instead cause she and my cousin would be busy that week with all the wedding stuff and making sure it all went perfectly so we couldn't go downtown. I love my aunt so it wasn't bad going to downtown with her, she didn't even mind pushing me in the wheelchair, but it wasn't what I wanted to do.
Two days before the wedding they had this really big meet the families dinner where my mom and her wife were introducing people to their relatives. Cause my foot got swollen and the boot was hurting it I had to go in the wheelchair. So my mom didn't even introduce me to people and one of the few times I was able to talk to her, this guy related to her wife interrupted us, asked who I was and she just said don't worry about her and then had an aunt of mine wheel me away. That made me really upset but I did feel a bit better cause her fiancee's parents brought gifts for me (not my kind of stuff, I think they thought I was younger than I am).
The wedding itself was cool, my foot wasn't badly swollen then so I was able to use my crutches. My mom acted so differently then and made me take a bunch of pictures with her and with her fiancee and she seemed so happy and told me that it was the best day of her life only cause I came.
At the reception I wore the dress that she got me but I couldn't walk in the crutches while wearing it (not like the wedding one). So my aunt made me go in that dress and in my wheelchair even though I didn't want to. And my cousin said I could wear a different dress but my aunt was like my mom got the dress specially for me and will be upset if I don't wear it. Then at the reception I wasn't seated at the table with family near the stage where she and her fiancee sat but at a table with kids I didn't even know, even though some of my relatives younger than me were at the family table. My aunt said they moved me there cause of my wheelchair but I just don't get why I couldn't be with my family. My mom didn't even take a photo with me at the reception, she just came to me once and said hi and I wasn't even in the family photo cause we didn't bring my crutches cause of my wheelchair so my aunt said my mom told them to leave me cause they couldn't fit me in.
Then the day after we were going home my mom came to say goodbye to us. She talked to me alone for a minute and then she said sorry for everything that happened between us before and that she was hoping we could get past it but if we couldn't she was still happy I came to her wedding. I didn't really get to say anything cause she just hugged me and sent us on our way.
I don't feel that sad everything anymore though cause I think that the antidepressants have been helping. I have been feeling happier for about a month now and nothing has happened to me like I was afraid.
For the last two weeks, my mom has been texting good morning and good night again when I didn't do anything, like text, call or phone or facetime since the therapy session with her. It hasn't been more than that but I've been saying it back. I'm just confused with the way she's acting and what she wants. Do you guys have any clue or advice?
Edit: I wish I could say thank you to everybody who has commented and given advice. I'm sorry if I didn't respond to you personally, but it means so much to me that you guys cared. I've read everything and I will be bringing up a lot of this with my counselor. Thank you guys so much, I love you all.
[***4th Update***](https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/comments/x1pbxm/update_4_told_my_mom_that_her_coming_out_is_what/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3) ***- August 30th, 2022***
So I got a phone call from my mom and I did answer cause I guess I was curious cause she's only been texting me since her wedding and she said she wanted me to come over and even though I was really missing her, because I was going to go with my uncle's family to Seattle that weekend, I said no. I think I would have said no anyway because I was just planning on staying away like everybody here suggested and my counselor also said that it might be good to define my life without her. She said ok but then the day after I think she phoned my dad because he came said that I had to go to Victoria instead. I told him I didn't want to go but we ended up arguing and he said that I didn't have a choice and my uncle would take me somewhere when I got back.
So my dad dropped me and my cousin off at the ferry and when we got to Victoria it turns out my mom and her wife (I guess stepmom now) moved into their new house. My mom's wife wasn't there cause she was in Ottawa for work but her parents did come. They're really nice, they kind of went on about how they thought they'd never have grandkids and were so happy when they learned my mom had me. They did offer to get me some presents this time but my mom let them take me to dinner to some pierogi place in downtown instead.
I don't know what to think about the visit because so much of it was good but the one bad part was really bad. When I got there, I wanted to talk to her about the stuff at her wedding and everything else and I wanted to tell her that I would rather have gone with my uncle but then I just felt really nervous and just couldn't because I don't know, I kind of felt like I'd just ruin the entire trip if I did. So I just didn't and maybe that was the wrong thing. The first thing I noticed in her house was her giant graduation picture where she's holding a baby me above the fireplace. Then my mom surprised me by showing me my room and it's perfect. I have a huge bed, a big personal washroom, a walk in closet, one of those fancy standing desks and a tv. It's all white cause my mom was like when my foot is better she wants me to come and paint and decorate it all with her. She even promised she'd never let anybody use the room even if I'm not there that often. The first night after I got back from the pierogi place, my mom, my cousin and I stayed up so late just watching tv and I even fell asleep hugging her.
The next day we went to downtown and my mom took us shopping and then to the Royal BC Museum (the one with the mammoths). My foot and my hands really started hurting after because my mom made me use my crutches and not wheelchair because she said it'd be good exercise so then she took us to a spa. We took so many pictures and I'm pretty sure she put them on Instagram, but I'm not allowed on it anymore so I'm not sure. I was really tired when we got back so I conked out right away and when I woke up in the morning, mom actually brought me pancakes in bed cause of my foot (cause I love it when she makes those).
The rest of that day was good too except at night my mom said that when I moved in for university, we could make every day like this so I reminded her that I might go to UBC instead. We got into a really big argument about university and I did scream at her and bring up stuff from before but pretty much my mom said that she wants me to go to UVIC if I still want to do software engineering and said that if it was any other kind of engineering I wanted to do she wouldn't mind paying for UBC but that it's not good for software. She did say she would still pay no matter where I went but she'd be really disappointed if I chose not to go to the best university for my degree where I could stay with her just cause I blamed her coming out and moving for everything bad that's happened to me since then. She also said I needed to stop exaggerating how bad everything has been because it shouldn't make me change my university plan.
I tried telling her that's not what I meant but I couldn't say it right and I fucking started crying and she seemed to get really mad. She didn't yell or anything but she just gave a frustrated sigh and said I needed to stop crying, grow up and accept that she handled things the best way she could and my attitude problems were why it's been a bad year for us. That just made me cry more and she said if I don't grow up I'm never going to get a husband and then left the room. I just kind of kept crying cause I don't feel like any of that is true and the husband part was so fucking weird and I honestly can't stop thinking about that part specifically.
Half an hour later she came back with water and made me drink and started telling me how if I want to do computer or electrical or any other engineering she'd support UBC but that UVic is the best for software outside of Waterloo and she doesn't want to send me so far away but will still pay for it if that's what I choose. I don't know why she wanted to keep talking about that but I didn't so I just agreed when she said she'll take me to talk to an advisor to convince me next time I come over.
Me and my cousin left early next morning (so yesterday) and my mom said she'd try and come over for my birthday because her in-laws really wanted to attend and that she'd try and make an appointment at Uvic once my foot's better. The thing is that argument was the one bad thing about that visit. Everything else would have been perfect because it was just like it used to be with her and I don't even know if I'd be posting if it had been but I just can't stop thinking about the stuff that she said when we argued. I don't even know why she said the husband thing. I just don't get what the fuck she meant by that or why she would bring it up?
I'm not going to smash my phone this time but I do feel mad thinking about it. I told my cousin about the argument we had on the way back and she told me she personally thinks I should go to UBC and would try to convince my mom but that she think she just wants me to live with her again. I told my dad and his fiancee about it and he apologized for making me go but said that he had to. He and his fiancee have checked on me a dozen times already. Like, I'm get that stupid fucking feeling in my stomach again every time I think about it and I wish I'd been able to go with my uncle instead. But I am going to spend the rest of the week at his apartment so I guess it's fine.
I'm going to go to my counselor again today before my uncle picks me up, does anybody have any advice for me that I can bring up, cause we went through comments posted here last time.
[5th Update](https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/comments/zkdbd5/update_5_told_my_mom_that_her_coming_out_is_what/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3) \- Dec 12th, 2022
So, some stuff has happened. I've pretty much just been texting with my mom since my visit to her. I tried to kepit good night/good morning but when I didn't respond to her other messages, she phoned my dad and he told me I didn't have to phone her but to at least respond to her other messages.
I did have to go to Victoria for Thanksgiving because her wife's whole family was going to be there and she told my dad I had to go. I was only there for three days with my cousin and the first two days, my mom pretty much spent with me and it was like it used to be again. Like she and I went shopping, we even cuddled to sleep watchinig tv again but the third day she and her wife were focused on the dinner and guests and everything so I get it. Yeah I was upset that she paid really little attention to me, but her wife's entire immediate family was there and I get that she needed to focus on them. But when we left after dinner (we had to take the really late ferry), my mom said bye and that she was going to book a meeting at UVic to take me to and didn't even give me a second to talk about it before waving us bye. And then it went back to just texting good morning/good night until my birthday.
So then my mom and her wife came with her wife's parents because my mom was like they really wanted to celebrate my birthday. I guess they're my step-grandparents but I really like them and they seem to really like me too. I mean, step-grandma said the best thing about the wedding was that they finally got a grandchild and they brought a lot of presents for me. They have a niece around my age and they had her go out with them and just get so much stuff that they think someone my age will like (and I do like it). My mom got me an album of pictures of us and said to look at the photos whenever I miss her cause it'll make it like she's right there with me.
At the party, mom and dad seemed to get along just like when they were married. Like they were laughing, telling jokes and even had me do goofy pictures with them like we all used to. Mom's wife got along with dad's fiancee and with my uncle, his son and his son's wife. My mom didn't talk to my uncle at all beyond when he came to say hi to her and she said hi in a really mean tone to him, which was weird since they used to be so close. I guess she's still mad at him for when I talked to him about what was going on. She was really weird with my boyfriend and was non-stop making jokes about him and me getting married and making her a grandma. She straight up said to him "I don't want you to wait until I'm grey and in my 40s to make me a grandma". But his mom also got in the jokes so I guess it was just a mom thing?
My mom and her wife left after only about an hour and a half in to go stay at a fancy hotel all the way over by Coal Harbour, even though my dad did offer them a room. Mom just said she doesn't feel it'd be appropriate to stay in the same house as him and it's too painful for her cause she designed the house when I asked her why she couldn't stay. It did piss me off cause they came at 4:00 and so when everyone was setting up and I guess that means they missed the actual party. My step-grandparents stayed though and only left in the morning when my mom and her wife came to pick them up.
Then at like 8:30, my mom did FaceTime me but it looked like she and her wife were in the hotel spa or something. It doesn't make sense cause I thought those close pretty early in the day but they were wearing those robes and looked like they were some place really fancy. Then my mom was like she has to hang up cause she doesn't want me to see them without clothes on and they were both giggling at that. That really fucking pissed me off that they ditched my birthday to go hang out in a spa. Maybe they were actually doing something else but I honestly don't want to even think about that beyond what I have.
Then there was the album that she gave me as a present. I didn't really think about that a lot then because I was just happy that she came. But I did try yesterday because my dad's fiancee was meeting with some of her relatives for last minute planning because her and dad's wedding is on Sunday. I wasn't with them because I was studying but when I did leave my room to get my charger I heard them talking about me.
My dad's fiancee was saying the best stuff about me but her relatives were saying some shitty things about my mom and she wasn't stopping them. She was also talking about how my mom is forcing my dad's hand to send me to her over winter break instead of my uncle's cause that's when their honeymoon is. I didn't meant o spy and I get now that I'm writing about it that what they were saying wasn't exactly wrong and they were only saing it because they didn't think I'd hear but it really fucking pissed me off and it still does. So cause I was upset I looked at the album and it's pictures of both of us from when I was a baby until now. Behind each picture she slid a note about why that memory is special or what the picture means to her if she can't remember. But it just made me angry because of how few photos there are from after she moved to Victoria. Most of them are the ones of the wedding day and barely anything before that.
There's one photo in it that was like a month before she came out and it's when she lived at my cousin's house and pretty much I surprised her with a cookies that my cousin and I made that day. When I surprised her, she hugged me so tight and told me she was so proud of me and my cousin took the photo on her phone. But that night I found her crying in her room and she said it's because I'm growing up and said something like how she wishes she could live in moments like that forever since she's so proud of me. And it just makes me so mad because that's what I want back and the fact that I'm not even in photos of her pre-wedding events and reception and so much other stuff in Victoria just makes it seem as if the album is her giving me proof that I've barely been in her life and that I should be happy for it.
And I know I shouldn't be thinking that because she actually gave me such a good gift and I'm poisoning it in my own mind instead of valuing it and all the memories inside. My therapist has been trying to help me define life without her and it's hard cause I don't want to because I can't let go of this feeling that it could be good again and I don't want those people to be right. My therapist says its all right to want that but for my I own sake I need to in case it doesn't ever happen and it'll help once I'm in university so I've been trying but I hate it. So, I guess I came here again to ask for advice and stuff I can bring up in therapy. | 5,314 | 2022-12-19T17:48:17 | OOP's mother comes out and abandons her to be with her fiancee | ONGOING | CubbyLuvvy | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/zpyapm/oops_mother_comes_out_and_abandons_her_to_be_with/ | false | false | [
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zq1bmc | **I am NOT OP. Original post by** u/Agreeable_Tie_6303 **in** r/AmItheAsshole
trigger warnings: >!Child sexual abuse, involuntary psychiatric hold, mental illness, threats of self harm!<
mood spoilers: >!Awful revelation, but in the end, the victim is protected!<
*(Note: This post was deleted by the* r/AmItheAsshole *moderators after* u/Agreeable_Tie_6303's *account was suspended, probably for the stuff mentioned in the trigger warnings above; the original text is still visible in the Automoderator's comment linked below)*
[**AITA for asking my daughter to invite my brother to her wedding?**](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/zg2ayd/comment/izen24k/?utm_source=reddit&utm_medium=web2x&context=3) \- 07 December 2022
I (52F) am currently in the process of helping my daughter (F36) plan her wedding to her fiancee (F38). We are currently in the process of planning out the guest list. I'm paying for half of the wedding, so I think it's only fair that I have some input into who gets invited. We were talking about who to invite, and I mentioned my siblings, (M46, F54, F49, F48 and F50).
She mentioned inviting my sisters, since they live on the same side of the country as us, but when I mentioned my brother, she got really reluctant all of a sudden. She said she didn't want to force him to travel, and I mentioned I could ask him later, and she just got quiet and said "we'll think about it."
I got upset, and said that she could invite all of my siblings, or none of my siblings. She said that wasn't fair, since it was her wedding. I'll admit, I got a little upset, and said that I was paying for half of it, and she'd made me wait for this long enough, so the least she could do was to invite my family. She got mad and said that she never asked for me to fund it, and she didn't need my money anyway.
I left before I'd say something I'd regret, and drove around for a bit. I called my husband (64M) and he said it was her wedding, and it was really up to her who she invited. I told him he didn't understand since he's an only child, he got upset and we argued for a few minutes before hanging up and driving back over to her place.
I let myself in, and I heard her talking to her fiancee about how if I didn't insist that her brothers' kids had to come, she'd be fine with inviting my brother. I walked in, scoffed, and said if she's worried about the number of people she had to invite, I could get a big venue, and inviting one more person won't cost that much more. She screamed at me that it's not about that, and to get out of her house and out of her life. I told her not to raise her voice at me, and her fiancee said I had to leave or they'd call the police.
So, I went home, and told my husband what happened. He said I messed up big time, but I really don't think inviting him is that big of a deal. AITA?
*(Note: This comment was deleted from* r/AmItheAsshole *but can be viewed at the Unddit link given below)*
[**Comment from OOP**](https://www.unddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/zg2ayd/aita_for_asking_my_daughter_to_invite_my_brother/) \- 07 December 2022
I don't know why she wouldn't get on with my brother, he babysat her every weekday from the age of 6 to 14, so he knows her really well, and I think he should be able to be there when she gets married.
*(Note: This comment was deleted from* r/AmItheAsshole *but can be viewed at the Unddit link given below)*
[**Comment from OOP**](https://www.unddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/zg2ayd/aita_for_asking_my_daughter_to_invite_my_brother/) \- 07 December 2022
If there's missing reasons, your guess is good as mine. I called her a few minutes ago and when I asked why she wouldn't invite someone who helped raise her, she said something about how he didn't do shit for her and she will never trust him. I think the stress of wedding planning is getting to her since he was there with her every day for years.
*(Note: This comment was deleted from* r/AmItheAsshole *but can be viewed at the Unddit link given below; I have removed the real-people names that are included in it to protect the vulnerable people involved)*
[**Comment from the fiancee of OOP's daughter**](https://www.unddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/zg2ayd/aita_for_asking_my_daughter_to_invite_my_brother/) \- 07 December 2022
(u/Agreeable_Tie_6303), this has to stop. (Your daughter) said you sent her this post as soon as you posted it since you were sure everyone was going to be on your side. It is our wedding and you don’t get to dictate who we invite. You know exactly why (your daughter) doesn’t trust (your brother, her uncle).
*(Note: This comment was deleted from* r/AmItheAsshole *but can be viewed at the Unddit link given below; I have removed the real-people name that is included in it to protect the vulnerable people involved)*
[**Comment from OOP**](https://www.unddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/zg2ayd/aita_for_asking_my_daughter_to_invite_my_brother/) \- 07 December 2022
(u/AdmirableEffective23, my daughter's fiancee) please don't try to influence people here, I have no idea what you're talking about
*(Note: This comment was deleted from a cross-post, which was also deleted, on* r/AmITheDevil *but the comment can be viewed in* u/AdmirableEffective23\*'s comment history at the link given below)\*
[**Comment from the fiancee of OOP's daughter**](https://www.reddit.com/user/AdmirableEffective23/) \- 07 December 2022
I have my fiancee's permission to post the following. Her uncle was physically, mentally, and sexually abusive. It began when she was 10, and escalated until he got her pregnant at the age of 14. She told her mom because she had to get an abortion, and the moment they left the clinic, her mom said "this never happened." Her mom is the only person who knew until me.
*(Note: I am deleting the superintendent's real-person name from the text to minimize the number of identifying details exposed for the vulnerable people involved in this story)*
[**Update - MIL is under a 72 hour hold. Trigger warning within.**](https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/comments/zhufyo/update_mil_is_under_a_72_hour_hold_trigger/) \- 10 December 2022
Trigger warning: Involuntary psychiatric hold, mental illness, threats of self harm.
First off, thanks to everybody who reached out. Your kind works were really helpful and much needed! I really appreciate every one of you. You all rule!
Most importantly, my fiancee is doing fine. She's been in therapy for years, and her doctor has been really helpful. We're still in a hotel, and our management company is working to get us into another building.
Yesterday, we got a call from our super, (RealLife Dude). We'd told him about the situation, and asked him to tell us if MIL stopped by again. Well, she sure did. (RealLife Dude) told me he'd heard her banging on the door, screaming to let her in. He confronted her, and said she had to leave or he'd call the cops. She started yelling that she had a right to see her daughter. He left to call the cops, but when he came back, she was gone. However, she left him something to remember her by.
She took a dump on our welcome mat.
We were shocked, but we checked our ring camera, and it was all there. It'd be almost funny if it wasn't so fucked up.
We later got a call from BIL saying MIL was in a 72 hour psychiatric hold. She apparently went to a convenience store and ended up knocking over some displays and threatening suicide multiple times. The cops were called, no charges were filed, but she was placed into a 72 hour hold.
So that's where we are. We're going to be using this time to move all of our stuff to a storage unit while we look for a new apartment so there's no chance she can find us at our current place.
I still don't know what the future looks like, but it's better than what it was before.
*(Note:* ***NEW***; *I've added this section to my original post. The fiancee* u/AdmirableEffective23 *had an earlier post in* r/JUSTNOMIL *that adds context to why OOP may have suffered such an intense mental health crisis. There is likely repressed trauma involved, because OOP had been forced to marry her 27-year-old youth pastor who impregnated her when she was 15.)*
[**Finally going NC with future MIL. Trigger warning!**](https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/comments/zg5k9o/finally_going_nc_with_future_mil_trigger_warning) \- 08 December 2022
*(Note: NC = No Contact, i.e. the person cuts the other person out of their life and refuses to engage in any more communication or contact with them.)*
Content warning: Sexual, physical, and emotional abuse.
My relationship with my MIL finally came to a head today.
My fiancee was raised by a sexist, religious family. MIL was a teen mom who was groomed by her youth group leader, and her parents forced her to marry him. My fiancee's uncle was a sexual, physical, and emotionally abusive monster. It began when she was 10, and escalated until he got her pregnant at the age of 14. She told her mom because she had to get an abortion, and the moment they left the clinic, her mom said "this never happened." Her mom is the only person who knew until me.
She was always cagey about her family, and for the first few years of our relationship, she would call them almost daily, but refused to introduce them to me or see them in person. She didn't tell me until her brother's wife got pregnant. She broke down crying, saying she needed to protect his kids from her uncle. That night it all came out. I was so angry.
She reluctantly started visiting her parents after the kids were born because she wanted to make sure she could protect them from MIL as well. Thankfully, her uncle moved across the country a few years ago, and he's never met the kids.
We recently got engaged, and we were planning our wedding. MIL found out and said she was paying for half, and started talking about the guest list. She insisted on inviting my fiancee's uncle, and they got into a huge argument where MIL started pulling plates out of our cabinet and dropping them, and we had to physically push her out of the apartment and lock the door. She banged on the door for a few minutes before storming off.
Later, my fiancee started talking about how she could maybe appease her mom if she could invite her uncle but not her brother's kids. Her mom found a spare key, and unlocked the door and waltzed in like nothing had happened. She pretended like she didn't see the issue, and started complaining that we could just get a bigger venue so we could invite everyone. It escalated, and I had to threaten to call the cops to get her to leave.
MIL then made an AITA post and was willfully obtuse to everyone who clearly picked up on what was wrong. MIL sent my fiancee the post because she thought people would be on her side. My fiancee was furious, and told me this was it. She was going NC with her, and I could tell people in the thread what happened.
So, that's it. She's blocked on all our phones, and she's finally going to tell her brother what happened. A whole can of worms has been opened, but a weight has been lifted as well.
&#x200B;
**Reminder - I am not the original poster.** | 11,703 | 2022-12-19T19:39:53 | OOP Demands Their Brother Be Invited to Their Daughter's Wedding, and Then Things Get Dark | CONCLUDED | JJOkayOkay | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/zq1bmc/oop_demands_their_brother_be_invited_to_their/ | false | false | [
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zq30cu | **I am NOT OP. Original post by u/international-pair10 in r/relationship_advice**
---
&nbsp;
[**How do tell my sister I don’t want to be her nanny anymore without it causing drama?**](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/z4y13r/how_do_tell_my_sister_i_dont_want_to_be_her_nanny/) - 26 November 2022
I’ve been watching my sister’s child for the last two years, my husband makes enough money that I don’t have to work and I can focus on our home and our family.
When my sister was pregnant I said I’d be open to watching the baby on occasion. Somehow “on occasion” went from date nights here and there, to 10 hour days two to three times a week. I admit that after two years I’ve let this get completely out of control and I should have said something sooner. But there is really no nice way to tell someone that I don’t want to watch their child for any reason other than I just don’t want to. I have so much anxiety over having to get up at 6:00 am to show up at their house to babysit that I literally can’t sleep so then I end up not sleeping at all and then watching the baby for 10 hours.
My sister is now talking about having a second baby and gushing every chance she gets about how appreciative she is for my help because of all the money I’m saving them and I just about had a panic attack when I realized not only does she expect this to continue for a significant amount of time, but she’s fully going to expect me to watch a toddler and newborn and meanwhile I’ve been contemplating how I can get out of this situation without drama.
My husband works his ass off so that I can be home with our family, not so I can be a nanny for my sister. And to make matters worse, my sister just bought an extravagant new house which she probably did in part because she didn’t think she’d have to worry about childcare.
But I just don’t want to do it anymore. At all.
I love my niece. But I absolutely do not want to be her or anyone else’s nanny.
My sister and her husband have a very different parenting style than I do, they’re very fussy. And they don’t even leave a carseat so I’m literally stranded there all day. If something happens with my own child I literally can’t leave at all. I feel trapped in this situation and I just want it to be over.
**I sent her a text. Just waiting for her response. It won’t let me add the screen shot for some reason.
“I just wanted to give you a heads
up that after December I won't
be watching ___ anymore in a
childcare role. This way you
guys have time to get other
arrangements worked out.
Nothing is wrong, I'm just
shifting my focus to my
household. I know you guys
have appreciated my help.
Thanks so much for being
understanding and supporting
me now.”
**UPDATE**
S- I’m quite taken aback by this may I ask why?
OP- I just need to take a step back for my mental health.
S- This is just very out of the blue u didn’t say anything on the phone yesterday
OP- I wanted to say this yesterday but I didn’t because this subject has been a source of anxiety for me.
S -How so
OP - It is just difficult for me to simultaneously manage my household and yours. I can watch her until the end of dec but after that I can’t.
OP- I love you and her but I really can’t take care of two households I’m only one person, and I definitely can’t take care of another baby on top of that. It’s too much for me. Please understanding and don’t take it personally. I really don’t want to fight about this. This is just how it needs to be.
S- So u’ll watch her until the end of December and then I just have to drop her off with complete strangers. Got it.
She left me on read for 20 minutes before sending me that last text.
**UPDATE**
I told our Dad what happened and he apparently called her up and reamed her out on my behalf and she’s been quiet ever since.
&nbsp;
[**I’m tired of being my sister’s nanny UPDATE**](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/z94zvu/im_tired_of_being_my_sisters_nanny_update/) - 30 November 2022
I texted my sister one final time yesterday to see if she needed me this week (Wed - Friday were my usual days), since she hasn’t been responding to me since I let her know our current arrangement was no longer sustainable. She left me on read until 11:30 pm before texting me “don’t worry about it.”
So I guess I’m off the hook. Even though she’s clearly very angry at me (as I knew she would be) I appreciate all the encouragement and advice I received from all of you it really helped me get the courage to finally have this conversation that should have happened months ago. I do hope my sister doesn’t withhold my niece from me for too long because I would still like to visit with her and take her to do things, I just didn’t want to be their default childcare provider. Which is not at all unreasonable of me.
&nbsp;
**Reminder - I am not the original poster.** | 7,467 | 2022-12-19T20:45:16 | How do I tell my sister I don’t want to be her nanny anymore without it causing drama? | CONCLUDED | toohottooheavy | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/zq30cu/how_do_i_tell_my_sister_i_dont_want_to_be_her/ | false | false | [
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zq5xwf | **I am NOT OP. Original post by u/aitathrow6 in r/amitheasshole**
trigger warning: >!manipulation!<
---
&nbsp;
[**AITA for telling my girlfriend that we’re done if she doesn’t want another kid in the future?**](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/b5jdwq/aita_for_telling_my_girlfriend_that_were_done_if/) - 26 March 2019
obligatory throwaway because friends know my real account.
background: I’m 28 with no kids. My girlfriend is 26 and has an 8 year old son from her previous relationship. She was with the guy since they were kids but when she got pregnant, he dropped the ball. She had it pretty hard during the early years and it was a huge struggle for her to balance work, school and her son. She made it work and is now in law school. (The kid’s dad made a change about three years back when his own father died and has since been helping.) We’ve been together for a year and two months and I really do love her.
However when we first got together she did mention that she doesn’t see herself having other kids because it was incredibly hard, she values her time alone when her kid is away, and she wants to travel with her son being that he’s bigger now. Also that she has a school-age kid and doesn’t want to start over with an infant. We were too early for me to complain about it or try to change her mind. It wasn’t bought up again for some time.
Fast forward to last night, we were watching something and I mentioned that my coworker has left work to have her fourth kid. She said that she couldn’t imagine having that many kids. I got a little offended being that my parents had 5. She told me that that’s what worked for my parents, but it wouldn’t work for her. I asked why and she listed the reasons above and that 4 kids is “just excessive.” I tried to reason it down to 3 or even 2. She said she doesn’t want any children but her son.
The way I see it, the only reason it was so hard was because of her age when she first had him. My logic is that any future children we produce will be secure and she won’t be alone or have to struggle. for background, I have 4 siblings while she has one sister who lives in another state. She doesn’t understand how important siblings are. I told her if she’s unwilling to have even one child for me in the future then we’re done. She agreed and said we’re done then and I’m incredibly hurt.
This is a hill she’s willing to die on. She’s super smart, but so hard headed. No matter what I said all night, she wouldn’t hear it or budge her views at all. I’m hurt because I made the empty threat and she very easily went through with it. I’m not feeling valued at all. I love this woman and the thought of us having an expiration date kills me. I want to marry her and have kids with her and she’s just uninterested. She also said I was being an asshole and not taking her experiences into account when I totally am! I acknowledge how hard it was for her which is why I think she would have a totally different experience if she tried again. She’s not 18 anymore and will have me by her side.
I want her back but don’t know what to say. She seemed very certain when she agreed to the breakup.
Please tell me AITA?
Verdict: YTA
&nbsp;
Comment from OOP:
> jesus christ, I am a fucking asshole. she has a condition, I unfortunately do not remember what’s it called, but during her pregnancy she used to have like mini-strokes that would make her face and hands go completely numb. I didn’t even think about that. thank you for your judgement. I know she doesn’t want me back. but I am going to profusely apologize anyway. the other commenters said this, and I’m putting value over a baby that isn’t real over her life.
&nbsp;
[**update: AITA for telling my girlfriend we’re done if she doesn’t want more kids in the future?**](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/bd0g3q/update_aita_for_telling_my_girlfriend_were_done/) - 14 April 2019
Well, it’s been about three weeks since my post and my breakup. And it took almost that full time to let it sink in what I’ve really done. I self wallowed for some time and attempted to guilt trip her and get my siblings to talk to her for me. What a mistake that was. She called and ripped me a new one worse than you guys did. She told me that she was thrilled we’re not together and that I’m manipulative and “disgusting.”
That left me really shocked and I had to review my behavior over the time we had been together. I think over my life I always had an idea that with enough perseverance anyone’s mind can be changed. I don’t know where I got this from. I guess I thought it was a sign of being a strong person. Like taking what you want from life even when the chances are slim. It sounds stupid because it is.
I reread my post just now and cringed the whole way through. Even the language I used showed that she was right and I am manipulative. She’s a human being and I didn’t treat her with respect. I played with our relationship to get her to change her mind about something very important to her. I deserve what happened.
I also have realized that our views on the relationship were a little different. She had never brought up marriage or anything while it had crossed my mind almost daily because I really was so enamored. So I probably looked insane going on about having three children. It sounds so stupid to me now. Among the things she said on the phone, one was that she found my lack of respect for her body and choices appalling. I wasn’t asking her to be forgiven, but I wanted to express how much her and her son meant to me.
And as most dumped people tend to do, I couldn’t even give a shit about what I was bitching about in the first place. I miss going to the park with her and her son. Those days were nice and calm and I didn’t appreciate them. I let some fictional children and my bad habits ruin something good. I have a lot of self reflecting to do, and while I’m still sad, I know now that her dumping me was really for the best. Thanks guys for being honest.
tldr: we didn’t get back together and I’m the asshole.
&nbsp;
**Reminder - I am not the original poster.** | 9,469 | 2022-12-19T22:38:49 | AITA for telling my girlfriend that we’re done if she doesn’t want another kid in the future? | REPOST | toohottooheavy | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/zq5xwf/aita_for_telling_my_girlfriend_that_were_done_if/ | false | false | [
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zq8a37 | **I am NOT OP. Original post by u/chazcollabs in r/relationship_advice**
---
&nbsp;
[**One of my close friends proposed to me**](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/ywz3w1/one_of_my_close_friends_proposed_to_me/) - 16 November 2022
I'm 18m and my close friend is 19f.
So I've been working at a fast food restaurant for almost 2 years now, and I've developed a close relationship with one of my managers. We've progressively gotten closer; we've spent a lot of time inside and outside of work together. We even went on a trip out of state with each other and some friends and all of our friends said we give off couple's vibes.
Needless to say, we both like each other.
But this morning, after I clocked out, she said she needed to talk to me in private. No big deal right?
So she pulls me into the Manager's office, and she starts telling me that she has feelings for me and has had feelings for quite some time. I said my feelings were likewise, and in that moment I thought she was going to ask for a relationship. But instead, she gets on one knee, takes out this super nice engagement ring and proposed for marriage.
Now, I'm feeling pretty blown away at this point. I asked why she wants to skip straight to engagement, and she answers that she doesn't really believe in courtship as it relates to dating. Obviously I like her and all, but I don't think either of us are in a position to make marriage happen anytime soon. So I said I'd get back to her with my answer.
So here I am now. I really like her, and I feel like we'd be a fantastic couple, but I'm not even close to thinking about marriage or any kind of engagement. It's jarring. I'm super confused right now and I'd appreciate any kind of advice on this situation.
&nbsp;
[**UPDATE: One of my close friends proposed to me**](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/z0lnev/update_one_of_my_close_friends_proposed_to_me/) - 21 November 2022
Thank you to everyone who commented on my original post with your advice! So here's what ended up happening:
Again, I'm 18m and she's 19f
So later that same day when she proposed, I shot her a text, inviting her over for dinner so we can have a talk, she of course agrees and comes over later that day.
So we discuss why she proposed over some Red lobster takeout, and she basically said that her family, mainly her mother, never dated anyone. They had all skipped to proposal because of religious reasons (I don't know what religion, I never bothered to ask). So I said that I would love to maybe date, but marriage is far off the table. Neither of us has the resources to make anything like that happen, and again, we were just close friends so it would be jarring to skip to such an intimate level.
So in the end, I said the only way we'd be able to court is if we started dating.
So she wastes no time and straight up cuts me off and asks me out 😂
Y'know, of course I said yes :)
So of course, sappy love ensues (crying tears of joy, hugs kisses, y'know lol) and she said she's willing to keep an open mind regardless of what her family thinks.
It's been a few days and things are going pretty well! However, she hasn't told her family yet. So I'll come back with another update when she tells her family. Thank you to all who helped me on the last post and thank you for reading this one!
&nbsp;
**Reminder - I am not the original poster.** | 4,319 | 2022-12-20T00:11:13 | One of my close friends proposed to me | ONGOING | toohottooheavy | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/zq8a37/one_of_my_close_friends_proposed_to_me/ | false | false | [
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zqd9c5 | **I am not OOP. This is a repost sub reddit**
Originally posted by u/wordsmithing007 in r/wedding
[Original Post Nov 22, 2022](https://www.reddit.com/r/wedding/comments/z26pad/sister_will_not_attend_wedding_due_to_potential/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf)
Hey everyone,
As indicated above, my sister recently advised that she will most likely not attend my destination wedding next spring because it may potentially be "too humid" for her liking. She also has concerns that we may experience heavy rain fall during that time (late May) as the wedding will be close to the start of rainy season in Mexico. Problem is, she was just vacationing in Cancun this past April and had no weather concerns. She is also upset that we didn't go with her resort of choice. She travels extensively and at different times of the year, so her concerns seem like a cop out. She now wants to "discuss options" and I'm truly baffled at the audacity.
What would you do?
[Update 1 Nov 26, 2022](https://www.reddit.com/r/wedding/comments/z5dfx7/update_sister_will_not_attend_wedding_due_to/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf)
Thanks for all the great comments and upvotes, everyone. I have an update from *she who centers herself* Apparently, I misunderstood her. She never said she wouldn't attend, just that the weather will be an issue for her. So of course, I wanted to know what has changed for her, as the plans remain the same. I also asked she confirm attendance ASAP, as we need final numbers. Her response to this? Nada. Instead, she wants to "revisit our previous discussion and how it impacted {her} and what needs to be different next time." LMAO The audacity continues, friends!
*As a sidebar, the conversation she is referring too consisted of me telling her how hurt I will be if she does not attend and that I expect more from my sibling.*
Anyway, those of you who surmised this may all be a ploy for attention? Bingo. But unfortunately for her, I no longer have energy for the madness.
Have a great wknd, everyone!
[Final update Dec 5, 2022](https://www.reddit.com/r/wedding/comments/zdf9dk/update_sister_refuses_to_attend_wedding/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf)
Update: sister refuses to attend wedding
Y'all, I've been blockedt!
But let me back up and start from the beginning. I'm a bit late with posting this, as I've had a lot to attend too this past week. You may remember that my sister had "concerns" about spring weather conditions in Cancun . We had a short text message exchange which culminated in an agreement to discuss her concerns in-person or via phone. Well, she returned from her trip to Ireland (we live in Canada) to visit a dude she met weeks before online. And reiterated the point that she HAD NOTES to go over, to ensure communication between us is "more respectful" going forward. Again...the audacity.
I let her know I'm open to a discussion. However, I wanted to ensure we address her original comments and confirm her attendance at the wedding. I even went as far as admitting that perhaps my initial reaction to this "weather concern" was overblown and that I apologize for it ( my FH made this suggestion, I wouldn't have done it) As usual, she did not reply to what I said and instead advised that I should re-read our initial interaction, as my response to her concern is the main thing we need to address.
Anyway, the day before we were scheduled to speak, she messages to say she is free and can we speak right away? Before I had a chance to respond, I get another message informing me of the following:
"I've done some deep thinking and I have decided this isnt a healthy relationship for me. I have seen a pattern of behaviour I don't want to be subjected to anymore. I can't walk on eggshells when simply expressing a concern to my sister. I dont feel safe with you. Take good care." She then immediately blocked me before I had a chance to respond.
Utter and total bullshit. She has made herself a victim in a situation where the issue in question has yet to even materialize! We are in bizarro land, folks.
So, fellow future brides/grooms...here is my takeaway. Some people (family included) cannot be happy for you because they are not happy with themselves. They will find fault and issue with anything that does not immediately serve them; all while expecting you to kowtow to their demands. My sister's inability to hold herself accountable, empathize with others, and simply be kind and considerate, are not things she is willing to do. She has spent years demonstrating that it's either her way or the highway and I'm tired of it. This recent behaviour shouldnt really come as a surprise; she's just on a new cycle of chaos and will be back. Unfortunately for her, she is no longer wanted at my wedding. Quite frankly, I'm glad to be rid of her petulance and drama.
A big THANK YOU again to all of you kind souls in the comments from my previous posts 💜 | 7,614 | 2022-12-20T03:40:18 | OOP’s sister doesn’t want to attend her wedding due to the weather | CONCLUDED | ImageNo1045 | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/zqd9c5/oops_sister_doesnt_want_to_attend_her_wedding_due/ | false | false | [
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zqe6ps | ** I am not OP. Original post by u/Ok-Sherbet32 on r/relationship_advice **
[My husband (M26) came out to me (F25) as a femboy and I don't know how to react to it](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/zag3cd/my_husband_m26_came_out_to_me_f25_as_a_femboy_and/) Dec 2 2022
My husband started getting into "femboy" porn around 5 months ago, although I thought it was a little strange I didn't think much of it, but then 3 months ago he came out to me as a femboy. He started saying he was "embracing his feminine side" by wearing thigh highs, a skirt, and acting all shy and doing baby talk and talking "wike dis". I find this a bit dehumanizing that this is what he considers femininity.
The biggest problem is, he does this around our two children (ages 4 and 6). I told him I don't feel it is very appropriate to act this way around our kids but he says, in these words, "it's my true self. You're just being judgemental to gender noncomforming people, which is so outdated." He also tells me that it's good to learn from dad that they can be who they want to be.
It becomes embarrassing, he does this when we go to family outings, in front of my parents, and my friends. I've become the laughing stock of my family and friends. I don't know how to deal with who my husband has become.
I can't even bring my husband into restaurants anymore for dates because he always asks them for the kids menu and when they tell him he's too old he throws a temper tantrum. I don't know if something is bothering him and his outlet is dressing up as a femboy and talking like a baby but I can no longer deal with it and I am really starting to consider divorcing him.
I don't have my license because I have epilepsy so my husband goes to pick the kids up from school everyday and both school faculty and students make fun of my kids for the way their father dresses. I have had parents tell me "It is not appropriate to be having your husband pick up your kids from an elementary school in that kind of clothing" Which I am aware of but I live 20 minutes away from the school and I do not want my kids to be walking that long in the winter.
I don't want to hurt him as I still love him dearly and leaving him would hurt me as well but I can no longer stand my kids getting made fun of or myself.
Does anyone have any advice as to what I should do?
[Comment:](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/zag3cd/my_husband_m26_came_out_to_me_f25_as_a_femboy_and/iyln8u4)
>>It becomes embarrassing, he does this when we go to family outings, in front of my parents, and my friends. I've become the laughing stock of my family and friends. I don't know how to deal with who my husband has become.
>It is okay to divorce the person, who you used to love and respect, if they become someone who you don't love and respect anymore. And it is better to do so before you start resenting them.
[Comment:](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/zag3cd/my_husband_m26_came_out_to_me_f25_as_a_femboy_and/iym98b8)
>Your partner is taking his fetishes outside the bedroom and forcing others to participate. He may enjoy the humiliation or exhibitionism of acting like that in public. Wanting to play around in the bedroom is one thing, but what he's doing is forcing non-consensenting people in public to participate in his fantasy. He's also bringing his fantasy life in front of his children. That is not okay.
[Comment:](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/zag3cd/my_husband_m26_came_out_to_me_f25_as_a_femboy_and/iym2bj9)
>For context, my boyfriend and I are into something a bit similar in the bedroom. Here's my take:
>Your husband is being completely inappropriate by forcing other people to be exposed to his kink without their consent. You, your kids, the restaurant staff, everyone. He is an adult and needs to act like an adult in his daily life.
>First off, presenting as feminine and having a regression kink are two separate things.
>I think presenting as more feminine in public is fine. Trans, non-binary and other fem-presenting people are valid. Of course, you don't have to stay married to him if it's not your cup of tea. He's not the man you married anymore and you deserve to be happy.
>But the regression stuff needs to stay at home, in the bedroom. I'm honestly appalled by his behavior. You're not his mother, he should not expect you to deal with him having a literal temper tantrum at a restaurant. Restaurant staff shouldn't have to deal with that either. And your kids need responsible, emotionally stable adults to parent them.
[Comment:](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/zag3cd/my_husband_m26_came_out_to_me_f25_as_a_femboy_and/iymciia)
>I know multiple femboys and while some femboys are littles, those 2 are not intertwined. Being a little should never leave the privacy of the bedroom or your house and it should never involve innocent bystanders like your kids or waiters. If your husband wants to dress more feminine, more power to him but involving people into your kink without consent is not ok whatsoever.
[Comment:](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/zag3cd/my_husband_m26_came_out_to_me_f25_as_a_femboy_and/iymkclv)
>I would just be careful and aware that someone at your kids school may call child protective services at some point and you'll be subject to that entire process because your husband has no boundaries and is subjecting everyone to his kink without consent.
[Update: My husband (M26) came out to me (F25) as a femboy and I don't know how to react to it](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/zi3gwm/my_husband_m26_came_out_to_me_f25_as_a_femboy_and/) Dec 10 2022
To start off I want to thank everyone for the advice and show of concern for both me and my kids, it has definitely been a bit overwhelming since I didn't expect this much attention to it but again, thank you.
I had a talk with my husband 2 days after writing the post and I told him point blank he needs to act like a grown man outside of the house and not act the way he does or I will be divorcing him and taking my kids with me.
I got the divorce papers, we both signed and I have submitted it to the courthouse. I know I'm going to have to get a lawyer to be able to keep my kids but I'm just glad this is coming to an end.
To clarify, I do not want anything from him but my kids. I do not want money, the house or even child support. My parents have already told me its okay for us to move in and they will help with needs until this is all figured out. I will try to keep you guys updated as much as I possibly can.
[Comment:](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/zi3gwm/my_husband_m26_came_out_to_me_f25_as_a_femboy_and/izpelnn)
>As a child of acrimoniously divorced parents, I’d ask you to reconsider your stance on child support. My mum didn’t fight for it because she was exhausted and heartbroken (understandable), and we never really recovered financially. It’s also not fair to you or the kids; he’ll be living for only himself, while you take care of all of you on your own.
>I’m sorry it came to this, OP. But I’m glad you have a support in your parents, and I’m sure you’ll be able to rebuild in less time than you think.
I'm marking this as ongoing because she's just gotten divorce papers, but hasn't started legal proceedings yet and hasn't said she wouldn't update in the future.
** Reminder: I am not the Original Poster. ** | 6,184 | 2022-12-20T04:22:07 | My husband (M26) came out to me (F25) as a femboy and I don't know how to react to it | ONGOING | swtogirl | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/zqe6ps/my_husband_m26_came_out_to_me_f25_as_a_femboy_and/ | false | false | [
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zqfzpz | [removed] | 1 | 2022-12-20T05:49:17 | My ex left her daughter again | ONGOING | [deleted] | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/zqfzpz/my_ex_left_her_daughter_again/ | false | false | [
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zqggwr | I'm not the OOP. This was posted by u/Square_Indication_29 in r/trueoffmychest.
[Original](https://www.reddit.com/r/TrueOffMyChest/comments/zcgns6/my_stepdaughter_ran_away_from_the_birthday_party/) (4 Dec 22)
**My stepdaughter ran away from the birthday party I threw for her.**
I (35f) have been married for 7 years to my husband (45m), who is a single father to my stepdaughter, "Lucy" (15f). Also, I have a son from a previous relationship, "Toby" (10m). In these 7 years, Lucy never recognized us as family and when she introduces us, we are "dad's wife" and "dad's wife's son".
Birthdays are very important to me. Ever since Toby was born, I've thrown giant birthday parties for him. That didn't change after I married my husband and I thought about doing it for Lucy as well, but she refused. She refuses every year, and everything related to her birthday is banned from the house.
Since she is turning 15 this year, I decided to throw her a surprise party. We organized it with Toby: invitations to her classmates, family and close friends; games, karaoke, catering and decorations. Not even my husband knew. I took the day off from work and Toby skipped school to fix everything. At night, my husband and Lucy arrived (they have dinner alone for her birthday) and we yelled "surprise". They didn't look happy, but I assumed it was because of the surprise. My husband didn't say anything to me and Lucy disappeared almost immediately (I assumed to go talk to her friends).
The party was amazing, everyone had fun, the games were a hit and overall I had a great time. When bringing the cake to sing happy birthday, I called for Lucy, but she wasn't in the party. We looked for her around the house, but she wasn't there, and neither was my husband. After half an hour of trying to call them both on their cell phones, the mood got ruined and everyone left.
The two returned after midnight and didn't felt guilty about leaving. I immediately asked them why they left. Lucy didn't say anything and went to her bedroom, and my husband told me to calm down. He explained that Lucy wasn't feeling well, so they went to the beach. I scolded him for not telling me but he just shrugged and said *"you were too busy enjoying the party to notice"* and went to sleep.
I don't understand why they both disrespected me like that. I invested a lot of time and money in the party and they haven't even apologized for leaving. It's been three days and the two act as if nothing happened. When I try to talk about it, Lucy looks at me like I'm crazy and my husband doesn't call her out on it. I'm tired of her indifference. I threatened my husband to take Toby and leave if they didn't open about it, but he (surprise) shrugged and told me to calm down. I love them both, but this party disaster has made me believe it's not reciprocated and I'm seriously considering getting a divorce.
[Update](https://www.reddit.com/r/TrueOffMyChest/comments/zkyrsi/update_my_stepdaughter_ran_away_from_the_birthday/) (13 Dec 22)
**UPDATE: My stepdaughter ran away from the birthday party I threw for her**
It's been a very difficult week and I thought I'd update you on it. I appreciate all the comments and they were helpful to me in realizing several things. The first is that the party was never really for Lucy. You see, this year I asked my husband to throw me a birthday party. I had high expectations and it turned out to be a small gathering with less than 10 people, no decorations and a supermarket cake since my husband started planning 3 days before. This party was a redemption for me and I admit it.
The second thing is how intrusive I've been with Lucy, but I've been in that girl's life for 7 years, I watched her grow up and I love her, so it's not easy for me to see how she ignores me, how she rejects my son and the lack of love that she has for us. I apologized to her and she didn't say anything.
Two days after my first post, a woman called saying that Lucy didn't attend her therapy session that week. I asked my husband about it and he admitted that she has social anxiety, which made her uncomfortable being at a crowded party, so they left. That broke my heart. I asked my husband why he didn't tell me and he said *"she didn't want me to tell you, so I didn't"*. I couldn't believe it.
Last Friday, I got the bill for the party. It was more expensive than I thought (around 5 figures) and I discussed it with my husband. He couldn't believe that I spent so much and he immediately stipulated that he won't give me a penny since it was my idea and I did it without anyone's permission. We fought about it since I don't have that much and he was adamant. He told me that with that money we could have renovated the house or had a family trip and it's my problem. Upon insisting, he said something along the lines of *"we weren't even at your stupid party, so stop bothering me".*
We fought about it. I yelled at him that Lucy will never see us as family or see me as a parent if he acts like that. He said that he didn't marry me looking for a new mom for Lucy, and that if I keep trying to meddle in her business and doing stupid things (quoting the party) then we're done, because he's sick of my stupidity and that I embarrassed them. That was it for me, so I took my son and we left.
I haven't received a single call from him. I saw on social media that they went out to dinner, Lucy quoted *"a good family time"* and they both looked happy. It's clear that they don't care about us. Toby is inconsolable over all of this and so am I. My mom insists that I find a divorce lawyer, but I think I'm pregnant (not confirmed yet) and I don't want to raise another child with an absent father.
**Reminder - I'm not the OOP** | 7,566 | 2022-12-20T06:12:55 | My stepdaughter ran away from the birthday party I threw for her. | ONGOING | prettiergenghis | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/zqggwr/my_stepdaughter_ran_away_from_the_birthday_party/ | false | false | [
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zqhk2c | \*\*I am NOT OP.\*\*
Original had to be taken down as it hadn't been 7 days since the update, it has been now so it should work.
Original post by u/concernedfather202
Trigger Warnings: >!crimes against tea, mental abuse!<
mood spoilers: >!good for the daughter but frustrating!<
---
**AITA Daughter and I are fighting over her clothes, food, curfew EVERYTHING** https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/ydcf8e/comment/itr9q2m/ on Wednesday, October 26, 2022
---
Anonymous account because my daughter is often on reddit.
I (M59) have a daughter (24F) named "Jen". Growing up, I worked a lot and missed out on school events, meetings, etc. I also had a stressful job I hated and anger issues back then, so Jen and I were rocky for the first 18 years. Jen went out of state for college and never spoke to me, not even if I offered to pay for books or rent or anything. When she visited for holidays, she stayed with my ex wife and her new husband. Jen came back to our city for work last year and started law school last month.
My ex-wife and Jen are still very close, but my ex is remarried and is currently taking care of her husband's elderly father, who lives with them, so Jen has to live with me as she is unable to work this year due to starting law school. She pays for her own groceries (we have different tastes) and utilities. I don't need the money but she insisted. She is cordial with me but we don't interact like father and daughter should - we're like strained roomates. Some issues we have are:
•Jen wears sweatpants and tshirts to school. I NICELY offered to take her shopping for some smart suits, skirts, blouses, etc. so she can fit in. She said no and continues to dress like a slob every day for class. I don't know much about lawyers, but I'm pretty sure you can't wear sweatpants to court.
•I noticed Jen makes herself an omelet everyday so I started making omelets for her before she gets up so she doesn't need to burden herself, but she says she doesn't like my omelets and asks me to stop cooking for her. This hurt me greatly as she used to beg for my omelets when she was little.
•Jen comes home after 8pm every single day. She tells me she is studying at the school or going to the gym but now that the days are getting darker earlier she needs to be home earlier because I worry about her getting into an accident or worse. She has a desk in her room and can study here.
So take into account all these issues we are having and then last Friday (10/21) she comes home at 9pm when it was pitch black and says she was at the bar with some classmates. No text from her, no call, nothing, and she wasn't even studying. I tried to have a calm conversation with her about my concerns but she yelled at me that she's allowed to socialize with her peers after midterm exams. I understand this but school comes first, not drinks, and she should have let me know what she was doing. Jen then grabbed her keys and tried to leave but I held my ground in front of the door, begging her not to drive drunk and in the dark. She ended up just going to her room for the night.
We didn't speak all weekend and she continues to come home after dark every night. I'm very concerned for my daughter and I'm worried law school may be too hard on her. However I don't want to have another blow up with her like we did on Friday.
Reddit, AITA for fighting with my daughter over every little thing when really I am just concerned for her?
---
Post #2
**How do I 59M repair my relationship with my 24F daughter?** https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/yf2ppn/how_do_i_59m_repair_my_relationship_with_my_24f/ on Friday, October 28, 2022
---
My daughter "Jen" has been living with me since starting law school this fall. We have gotten into constant blowup fights about her coming home late and not eating breakfast I make for her.
I posted about this on a different sub earlier this week and got voted the asshole. People said I cannot control my daughter's curfew nor how she presents herself to the world, so I need to let her make her own mistakes I suppose. So now that I'm the asshole, I need advice on how to fix things. I refuse to lose my daughter.
Since the big blowup last Friday, when I caught her coming home drunk and admonished her accordingly, we continue to tiptoe around each other. I have knocked on her door a few times around bedtime to see if we can talk, but she doesn't answer and has locked the door so I can't enter her bedroom. She now leaves for class before I get up and comes home around 9pm - 10pm sometimes. I greet her every evening as I am unable to go to sleep if she isn't home (I no longer enforce a curfew), but she just blows past me into her room. If she cooks for herself, it's when I'm sleeping or at work.
I can't keep living like this. She's like a stranger to me. We used to get along when she was a little girl, then around 13 - 14 years old she became horrible to me. Wouldn't let me hug her, kiss her, one time she even screamed at me because I put some food on her plate during dinner! I acknowledge my previous faults and failures as a father, but I attended therapy during my divorce and only stopped because of the pandemic. She is still holding onto past impressions of me, and I'm worried that she will not see that I have changed and am trying to do better.
This morning I intercepted her while she was eating breakfast before class. I tried to strike up a conversation with her and she just ignored me on her phone. The old me would have taken her phone and thrown it at the wall (as I said, I had previous faults), but I successfully restrained myself and let her be. I no longer make her omelets, but I put out bowls of fruit for her which she never touches.
So Reddit, please offer me some advice. I'm not a bad man, and if I am, I genuinely am trying to change. I need to talk to my daughter and I'm terrified that it may be too late.
---
Post #3
**Daughter 24F finally spoke to me M59. Feel like our relationship is reparable.** https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/yjekzy/daughter_24f_finally_spoke_to_me_m59_feel_like/ on Wednesday, November 2, 2022
---
If you read my last 2 posts, you'll be able to get a better sense of my situation.
After a cold war that lasted over a week, I decided I had enough and waited for her outside her bedroom. She eventually came out and I asked if we could talk. I first told her that I was sorry for treating her like a child when she is a capable adult in graduate school. I then told her if she can't treat me like a daughter should treat a father, we would need to look into getting her to move out and find a roommate as she wouldn't be able to stay with me anymore. I ended by saying I would not be ignored in my own house (as a commenter on my previous post pointed out).
She was quiet, but then said "okay sure. Sorry dad." I opened my arms for a hug, but she pushed past me. I admit the hug was a little optimistic on my part, but I understand she needs time, and I didn't press it.
We're now on speaking terms again. We say "good mornings" and "good nights", which is better than it has been this past week. In return, I have stopped cooking for her altogether, and I no longer expect her home at a certain hour. She texts me when she's heading home which I consider a win! I have vowed to be a better father to her which I hope she is seeing.
I'm hopeful about the future.
---
Post #4
**Is my adult daughter (24F) taking advantage of me (59M), we argued over tea for god's sake** https://www.reddit.com/r/AmITheDevil/comments/zkib9g/comment/j02twus/ on Saturday, November 5, 2022
---
Please check my other posts for context. I'm trying out different subreddits so I can gain a broader amount of feedback and advice.
Things have been better since we spoke earlier this week, but Jen (fake name for my daughter) is still awkward around me, despite my apologizing for my recent behavior. I feel that an incident this morning has stunted any improvement in our relationship.
So around 9AM, she starts making breakfast in the kitchen. I come out and we chat for a bit. She has class at 11 today.
I see she has the kettle going and next to it is a cup with a teabag in it. Since she is busy cooking, I go to the fridge, get the milk, and pour some into the bottom of her cup to take an extra step off her hands. Simple right?
Well she gets an attitude with me. Says she likes to put the hot water over the teabag, let it sit for a few minutes, and then add milk and sugar. When I try to explain the convenience, she cuts me off and says it won't taste good, and adding milk before the hot water is going to mess with this super sacred tea-making process.
I think this is absolute horseshit and that she wants to pick a fight with me. For the first time in a long time, I snapped at her and said okay, you don't want me to cook for you (tell me what kid doesn't want to wake up or come home to a hot meal), you don't want me to help you make tea, you don't want anything from me except a place to live. She said yes, that is correct. I sat in the kitchen in silence while she finished cooking, ate, and cleaned up. She also made a show of emptying out the cup I had prepared for her and getting a new cup and making tea her way. I was still in the kitchen when she left for class, and she said absolutely nothing to me, even though I was hinting that she owed me an apology.
So here I am typing my thoughts about the morning's events. I think I want to ask her to move out, but I need to have a valid reason to do so or I'll be the bad guy in everyone's eyes. Please let me know if it looks like she is indeed taking advantage of living with me, and if this is the case, when should I tell her to move out. If I do seem like I'm blowing this out of proportion, I also need to hear this as well.
Thanks.
TLDR: after an incident this morning, I want to ask my daughter to move out.
---
Post #5
**Daughter (24F) is moving out of my (59M) house. I thought I'd feel relief but I'm not ready for this to happen.** https://www.reddit.com/r/AmITheDevil/comments/zkib9g/comment/j02tran/ on Tuesday, November 15, 2022
---
I don't know where the time goes. When your daughters are young, all they want to do is hug you and kiss you and crawl on top of you. I used to beg her for personal space. Then the teenage years hit and they want nothing to do with you. Ah! What a fool I was.
I didn't appreciate her affection.My daighter ("Jen") who is in law school came to me on Saturday and told me she would be moving out this upcoming weekend. Right before Thanksgiving! I naturally had a million questions. Mainly: where is she moving to? And with who?
Jen has always been secretive about her life. She said she was moving in...WITH HER BOYFRIEND. My jaw about hit the floor. I had never known that Jen had a boyfriend. I asked how long she had been seeing this guy. She said almost 3 years! They met at college and started dating. He's a year older than her and works in the city. His apartment is located closer to her school.
I wanted to vomit. First of all, I had no idea she was even interested in dating. In high school for dances and events, she never went with a date, always a group of friends. I would often ask her if she was dating anyone, and she'd just roll her eyes and look disgusted. I guess I just stopped asking after a while.
I asked her when I could meet her boyfriend (lets call him "Dan"). She said he would come by this weekend to help her move. I said she wasn't going to move in with someone I have never met. She said good luck trying to stop her (is that a challenge, Jen?). I asked how she would be paying for this apartment. The city we live in isn't cheap, that's why I live in the suburbs. She said Dan's family owns the apartment (they own a few different properties) and that her and Dan would split expenses and utilities. She worked throughout college and for a year after college, but I didn't think she made that much money.
I don't know this guy. She wouldn't even give me a last name. I thought about calling my ex to see if she knew about this, but to be honest, I don't think I could bear her telling me she knows about Dan while I have just found out about this. I'm also embarrassed to say that I'm just not comfortable of her moving in with a boyfriend. My daughter, despite wanting to be a lawyer, is not the brightest bulb. She was a solid B student in middle and high school, and to my knowledge, she was never on any Honor Roll in college. In other words, she's not very smart and I don't think she's making the right decision here.
HOWEVER, I'm trying to take previous advice and not just jump the gun and ambush her into staying here.
The other thing that really bugs me is I asked her if she would be coming back for Thanksgiving. She said no, she'd be spending it with Dan's family because I have never shown an interest in Thanksgiving, and this was the first she was hearing about any Thanksgiving day plans of mine. I mean...she's right, I'm not really a holiday guy, but I could have bought a turkey and sides from a restaurant if it meant that much to her. To be honest, I don't really know what she does as we haven't spent Thanksgiving together since the divorce, but I am interested in starting a new tradition with her if it makes her happy.
I followed her to her room and asked if she would reconsider moving out in a year or so. Only when she's more financially and socially secure. She looked at me kind of sideways and said no, then shut the door in my face.
I am absolutely flabbergasted. I know I mentioned wanting her to leave in my last post, but I didn't mean so soon. It seems like my daughter is slipping out of my fingers as I speak.
I'm not sure what to do or if it's worth even talking to her. How am I supposed to deal with this?
TLDR: Daughter is moving into an apartment with her boyfriend who I have never met/just found out about. I have negative feelings about this. I need advice on how to tell her it's better to stay with me until she's more secure.
EDIT/UPDATE: I've read the comments. I don't want to forefeit a relationship with her anymore than I have. I'm still going to insist on sitting Dan down and talking with him this weekend but I understand that I have to let her go and she will come back to me on her own.
---
Post #6
**Recovered moving day post! Thanks to** u/imyrs
**I'm empty.** https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/zqhk2c/comment/j11yvhq/
---
Hi everyone. Please feel free to look at my profile for my previous posts.
I (M59) woke up this morning to an empty house. I stopped by the room that my daughter Jen (24F) lived in until recently. She didn't take much, but it still looks so different.
She moved out on Saturday. Put some boxes and her suitcases near the front door. I sat at the kitchen table waiting for her boyfriend (Dan) who I've never met show up so we could talk properly.
He did show up. He introduced himself, shook my hand, and then completely ignored me as he helped Jen move her things to his car outside. I remained at the table, staring him down, so he would know that he was behaving inappropriately. He and Jen both ignored me.
It took maybe 15 minutes to get all of her things. Jen finally approached me and said she was leaving, left her keys on the table. I said she would need them to come back, and she said verbatim "I'm not coming back."
The emotions began to rise then. I felt unsteady as I stood up and opened my arms for a hug, as I had been doing for her entire life. She used to see me open my arms and run in for a hug, knocking the wind from me. She just backed away and held her hand out instead. A handshake. From my own daughter. I've never been so hurt in my life.
I walked both of them out. I said I'd be here alone on Thanksgiving unless she chooses to come. I said I would get her a pumpkin pie if she came. She said she wouldn't be, didn't I remember, she was spending it with Dan and his family. So I guess that hasn't changed.
I decided now was my chance and I told Dan to take care of my daughter and treat her with respect. He gave me the smuggest little smile and said of course he would. I wanted to smack him in the face. I hope he feels good knowing he has manipulated my daugter into leaving her own father home alone. I guarantee things would have been different if he wasn't around.
Jen then asked if she could come by and get her desk and chair next week, when they had more room in the car. I said I was going to burn her desk the minute she left. Dan said in the most smart-ass way possible "Don't worry, I'll get you a better desk." Jen simply shrugged and then left with him. I watched them drive away, then the tears came. I cried all afternoon, and a little more yesterday morning. I felt so alone. I used to wait to hear her footsteps in the kitchen and know it was time to get up. Now I feel no reason to leave my bed or even cook for myself. I sat in front of the TV with nothing playing for a good hour.
My daughter has abandoned me. I feel no reason to even live. I took work off today because I keep tearing up at random times and knew I wouldn't be able to concentrate.
Parents who have had their kids move out, how do you cope? I texted her this morning and she didn't respond. I don't want to overwhelm her and her new life, as there is clearly no room in it for me. But I need to talk to my daughter again and apologize.
TLDR: My daughter has abandoned me at home alone. I feel like dying and I need guidance.
---
Post #7
**I (59M) want to ask my daughter (24F) over for christmas, but she has other plans and I feel lonely and sad.** https://www.reddit.com/r/AmITheDevil/comments/zkib9g/comment/izztwy8/ on Tuesday, December 13, 2022
---
Hi everyone. Previous posts on my page for context.
I've been busy. I started therapy (at the recommendation of a lot of commenters) and I've gone to 3 sessions so far. I don't know if anything has really changed, but I am desperate for a relationship with my daughter "Jen".
I spent a lonely Thanksgiving by myself. The morning of I sent Jen 1 last text inviting her over, but she never responded. I called the number and got her voicemail, so I know her phone was working. I was in a dark place for a while.
I'm still not happy with her living with her boyfriend, but I've chosen to let this go for now, despite the disrespect he showed me when they moved her stuff out of my house. She is free to make her own mistakes, as people on reddit pointed out.
I've texted her about once a day since she left. Usually just a "hi" or a "love you" or even sometimes just a smiley face emoji to know I've been thinking about her. I didn't expect her to always respond, but she hasn't even responded to 1 text.
Until today.
My therapist suggested asking her and her boyfriend "Dan" over for Christmas. I really really REALLY don't want Dan back into my house but I need to see Jen. So I hemmed and hawed and decided I'd make that sacrifice.
So I texted her this morning with an invite extended to both her and Dan. She responded about an hour ago that her and Dan would be spending Christmas in Mexico and wouldn't be back until the New Year. I immediately tried to call her which she didn't answer. I texted her that sounded like an expensive trip that she can't afford and that she should take her winter break to prepare for the next semester. She didn't respond, so I panicked and told her if she went I would call the cops and have Dan arrested for kidnapping. After I sent this, I immediately felt regret and shame so I sent her an apology text that I didn't mean what I said, I'm just worried she's not being safe and 8 days in Mexico is a long time.
She hasn't responded to my apology yet. I'm worried I blew my chance at getting back together with her for the holidays. I don't know if I can do another holiday by myself, especially with seeing families come together and enjoy themselves.
Any advice would be appreciated.
TLDR - I want to invite my daughter over for the holidays but she is going out of town with her boyfriend who I don't like. Should I let this go or try to change her mind?
Personal Note: TLDR, I can see why he's divorced.
**Comments** - gathered by u/rahonan
Some great comments from him
From the first post:
**Doesn't know anything about law school**
**OP replies:** "Classes that will eventually allow her to get into court. It's important that she dresses properly in case she meets a future employer or judge. Hell, it's important she dresses properly so her teachers and colleagues will take her seriously. She's not in college anymore."
**a commenter replied:** "Nobody dresses professionally to attend classes unless it's mandatory."
---
**OP then replied:** "I doubt your use of "nobody". Nobody wants to appear well groomed and presentable at school? This isn't college, this is law school. People are all about opinions and first impressions. No one will hire her if she's dressed like a slob."
**The commenter replied back:** "That is a complete lie. How much experience do you have in law school?"
**Daddy dearest replies:** "So if you were interviewing someone for a job and they showed up in pajamas, you wouldn't find that detrimental to them?"
**Forgets about headlights existing**
**OP replies:** "It's not the time that bothers me but it's how dark it gets. We're in the midwest and the sun goes down around 6pm now. Anyone would agree that it's not safe for anyone to drive when it's that dark out"
**He's not controlling her, only helping her**
**Totally not oblivious OP replies:** "I am not controlling her. All of these were suggestions I made and she chose to ignore them, but we need to have a conversation about why she wants to ignore my help."
**OP replies:** "I am definitely trying to make up for it. I want her to be successful and focus on school, but part of that comes with presenting yourself in a positive light. I make her breakfast so she doesn't need to wake up earlier and do it herself but she doesn't see that Im' trying to help her."
---
From the second post:
**Saying he only sees her as her little girl**
**OP replies:** "I do think I was wrong maybe it was delayed but I realize now I cannot control her and that to me she's still a little girl but I understand I need to take some steps back but I need to show her how sorry I am I just don't know how I can get that message across."
**About throwing the phone at the wall**
**OP replies:** "I've never thrown anyone's phone at the wall I've only done it once when she was in high school and painting her nails with polish and the smell made me sick but she woudn't go in her room to do it so I took the bottle and threw it out the front door but that was only one time and she didn't seem all that fazed by it.
**a commenter wisely replies:**
"Yeah, you're an abusive father. Three days of a few apologies is NOWHERE near enough."
**OP replies:** "I may have been abusive but I have changed."
---
From third and fourth post:
**Not realizing he's a jerk**
**OP replies:** "I don't understand how I continued to treat her like shit. I have been a bad father in the past, but I am moving forward and bettering myself everyday. It's not too late."
**OP replies:** "I'm not trying to be mean to her, but how did I " bully" her?"
---
**Again with him thinking she's a child**
**OP replies:** "She isn't my roommate though, she's my daughter. We don't have the bond that a father and daughter should have. It breaks my heart into pieces when I see fathers spending time with their daughters in the city, sharing ice cream cones, swinging them around.....I want to have a relationship like that."
---
From the fifth post:
**Racist?** (oh god, it's real!)
**OP replies:** "But she isn't working right now. Being a student full-time doesn't pay the bills. The only reason she went to law school is because she got a scholarship for being half-POC."
**About her not being thr brightest bulb**
**a commenter wisely replies:** "you judge people based on academic achievements and SHE is the one whos not smart?? my man ..."
**OP stupidly replies:** "I only bring it up because she has a history of making bad decisions. To be honest, I was surprised when she mentioned going to law school (ever since she was little she wanted to be an author or write screenplays). I just thought someone with a better GPA and who was more academically inclined would do better in law school."
**A commenter wisely counters:** "Provide us examples of making bad decisions please. Getting Bs is NOT an indication of failure to study. For all we know, she was in all honors/AP/IB courses in high school (the hardest courses available to her), and taking 18 credits a semester in college while rocking it on the swim team (and you WANT her getting involved in some physical activity to keep herself well long term). Right now you list NO bad decisions (ie skipping school to smoke dope with the town thugs). So, right now, you look like the idiot. Not your daughter."
**OP replies:** "She took 1 AP class in high school, so my argument still remains. She was also caught smoking cigarettes when she was 17, and she was grounded for a month.
My daughter did not do organized sports in college. She was too busy partying and apparently sneaking around with boys. She graduated with a 3.6 GPA and no academic achievements. Forgive me for being wrong, but law school is academically challenging, no?"
---
One last random good one found by u/AsherTheFrost :
**In response to someone asking if perhaps he's just overreacting.**
"No she's always blown up at me before. Always itching to get away from me even when she was a preteen. I haven't hugged or kissed her in years because she'll physically push me off or duck away. My most vivid memory of her behavior is we were out at dinner as a family and I put some of my food on her plate for her to try and she yelled at me in front of the entire restaurant to not do that. She doesn't care who is around, she has to disrespect me."
Personal Note: TLDR, I can see why he's divorced.
**Reminder-I am not the original poster** | 5,608 | 2022-12-20T07:09:29 | Neglectful moron alienates his daughter by trying to play dad | ONGOING | Buff_Helpy69 | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/zqhk2c/neglectful_moron_alienates_his_daughter_by_trying/ | false | false | [
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