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reddit_tifu_oreo

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[ "this actually happened a couple of years ago. i", "grew up in germany where i went to a german", "secondary school that went from 5th to 13th grade", "(we still had 13 grades then, they have since", "changed that). my school was named after anne", "frank and we had a club that i was very active in", "from 9th grade on, which was dedicated to", "teaching incoming 5th graders about anne franks", "life, discrimination, anti-semitism, hitler, the", "third reich and that whole spiel. basically a day", "where the students' classes are cancelled and", "instead we give them an interactive history and", "social studies class with lots of activities and", "games.", "this was my last year at school and i already had", "a lot of experience doing these project days with", "the kids. i was running the thing with a friend,", "so it was just the two of us and 30-something 5th", "graders. we start off with a brief introduction", "and brainstorming: what do they know about anne", "frank and the third reich? you'd be surprised how", "much they know. anyway after the brainstorming we", "do a few activities, and then we take a short", "break. after the break we split the class into", "two groups to make it easier to handle. one group", "watches a short movie about anne frank while the", "other gets a tour through our poster presentation", "that our student group has been perfecting over", "the years. then the groups switch.", "i'm in the classroom to show my group the movie", "and i take attendance to make sure no one decided", "to run away during break. i'm going down the list", "when i come to the name sandra (name changed). a", "kid with a boyish haircut and a somewhat deeper", "voice, wearing clothes from the boy's section at", "a big clothing chain in germany, pipes up.", "now keep in mind, these are all 11 year olds,", "they are all pre-pubescent, their bodies are not", "yet showing any sex specific features one would", "be able to see while they are fully clothed (e.g.", "boobs, beards,...). this being a 5th grade in the", "rather conservative (for german standards)", "bavaria, i was confused. i looked down at the", "list again making sure i had read the name right.", "look back up at the kid.", "me: \"you're sandra?\"\n\nkid: \"yep.\"", "me: \"oh, sorry. *thinking the kid must be from", "somewhere where sandra is both a girl's and boy's", "name* where are you from? i've only ever heard", "that as a girl's name before.\"", "the class starts laughing. sandra gets really", "quiet. \"i am a girl...\" she says. some of the", "other students start saying that their parents", "made the same mistake when they met sandra. i", "feel so sorry and stupid. i get the class to calm", "down and finish taking attendance. we watch the", "movie in silence. after the movie, when we walked", "down to where the poster presentation took place", "i apologised to sandra. i felt so incredibly", "terrible, i still do to this day. throughout the", "rest of the day i heard lots of whispers about", "sandra. i tried to stop them whenever they came", "up, but there was no stopping the 5th grade", "gossip i had set in motion.", "sandra, if you're out there, i am so incredibly", "sorry for humiliating you in front of your class.", "i hope you are happy and healthy and continue to", "live your life the way you like. don't let anyone", "tell you you have to dress or act a certain way", "just because of the body parts you were born", "with. i'm sorry if i made you feel like you were", "wrong for dressing and acting differently. i'm", "sorry i probably made that day hell for you. i'm", "sorry for my ignorance." ]

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[ "it was last october, but i'm feeling the fall-out", "from it the most today.", "after my mom died from cancer last year, i", "started looking for my estranged father. i had", "only known him for a short time when i was 6 and", "barely remembered more than his name. i never", "knew why he left and my mom would not talk about", "him without obvious emotional pain, so i didn't", "push her for information about him. i figured he", "didn't care about us.", "i had googled him multiple times over the years,", "but he was always unlisted and i didn't have an", "address with which to search. after her death, i", "felt strongly that he should at least know that", "she died and that i have a beautiful little girl.", "it felt wrong that he might be out there", "somewhere knowing nothing about us.", "i googled him again and came up with a phone", "number and address that seemed realistic. i", "called, figuring it was going to be another", "person by the same name since i'd already", "experienced that several times while looking for", "him. it wasn't.", "i had no idea how he would react to me, but he", "was ecstatic. he told me that he had been a", "horrible alcoholic and that he didn't pursue", "custody of me because he felt himself to be", "selfish and unstable. he said he knew that my", "mom and my family would love me and take", "wonderful care of me (he was right about that!", "my mom was the best woman i've ever known).", "so, we started talking and skyping. we spent a", "lot of time learning about each other. knowing", "how he had hurt my mom and bailed on me made it", "difficult to see him as the person he has grown", "to be, but i tried to believe that people can", "change for the better.", "he was exactly everything i needed in a father my", "entire life: supportive, sweet, funny, loving.", "eventually, i told him that i loved him after", "months of talking with him. he was", "over-the-moon.", "fast-forward to actually meeting him in person.", "this is the part where, without knowing my dad or", "me, you might feel that i sound like an ass. i", "say this because i don't have a precise reason or", "event that i can point to as to why i don't trust", "him. why he actually makes me really nervous.", "my dad is really touchy and hovers all of the", "time. he doesn't smell clean and his teeth are", "rotting and crumbled. he doesn't give personal", "space and, when i spent a couple of nights", "staying at his trailer, he kept coming in to my", "room to check on me while i was sleeping. he", "said that he was just so excited to have me there", "that he couldn't help it, but i really felt", "uncomfortable with it. i couldn't sleep and was", "so glad that i didn't even consider bringing my", "daughter without spending time with him first.", "he also asked me if he could kiss me on the mouth", "because his family does. i said \"no\" and he", "accepted that, but the constant touchiness", "continued. it wasn't anything strictly", "inappropriate, but it made my skin crawl.", "i've spent very little actual time with him in", "person, maybe 2 weeks total over several trips.", "i have, however, talked with him for countless", "hours on the phone and skype.", "during the most acute months of grieving for my", "mom, he was so devoted to me, trying to talk me", "through whatever he could. i was so grateful for", "it that i kept ignoring details about his", "character that really concerned me. he actually", "demanded a lot of my time, like hours and hours", "every day and would get upset if i cited my", "daughter and husband as reasons that i needed to", "chill with the phone. he never paid my mom child", "support and obviously was never there for us my", "entire life. he also evaded taxes and told me he", "had been to court 9 times and jail once.", "again, i know people can change, but at this", "point, i find myself wanting less contact with", "him. the idea of him spending any time with my", "daughter alone is out of the question and my", "husband feels the same concerns. i don't want to", "hurt him, but i just can't trust him. i don't", "even know if i'm asking for advice or confessing", "to being stupid and rushing into something that", "will hurt someone.", "thank you for reading and i sincerely want to", "wish all the wonderful father's out there a very", "happy father's day!", "eta:" ]

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[ "so i had the brilliant idea to use veet hair", "removal gel as the ol' danglies were in need of a", "trim and i had heard that veet leaves them", "smoother for longer. well i guess thats right", "when the skin has to grow back first.", "pre-story: i tried this before and the results", "were great but i had decided to do it again", "because of how well it worked.", "so i take out the gel/cream stuff and just lob it", "on and cover the forest. the slight peroxide", "kinda smell ensued and all was going well, there", "was a slight burning but thats to be expected,", "you know, melting pubes off does that. so comes", "the all and mighty time of scraping that stuff", "off, top half all good, no pain or anything. but,", "the danglies were what was burning, i scraped", "them and withstood the pain because well lets", "face it, men are men and a little pain for balls", "as smooth as jam jars is fine right? wrong, it", "did great at taking the hair off it, but decided", "to take the first layer of skin too, my nuts now", "glow cherry red and walking is a painful expense", "that can't be justified.", "i feel sauron has just tipped them in mount doom", "and dragged me balls first down the side of a", "rock wall." ]

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[ "today i was going to have a bath after a long day", "of painting kids faces at a carnival. all would", "go well, except being the genius i am, i put in", "some epsom salts (i always do for my bath), and i", "grabbed my bottle of peppermint essential oil.", "lately, i've been on a", "diy-pinterest-tumblr-let's-make-my-own-shit-and-b", "e-fancy", "spree. the other day i took a 'detox bath' (fyi", "did nothing for me guys. uselessss). so, my brain", "totally went 'hey, trajectorys, put some", "peppermint in! it's good for your skin!' okay", "brain!", "so, instead of logically putting in like... 5", "drops so it's nice and minty fresh smelling and", "just enough to work, i literally shook the thing", "full force all over the top of the bath water.", "i'm talking like... probably 50-100 drops. so i", "finish running the water, turn it off, and hop", "in.", "first five minutes went really well.. and then", "the cold started. okay, this is fine, it just is", "the peppermint cooling my skin. brain is like,", "just wait it out. so i stayed in.", "ten minutes in and i'm moving back and forth", "trying to keep the warm water warm, if i stopped", "moving it was like sitting in the water at the", "foot of a glacier. so i sit up.", "you know that feeling when you brush your teeth", "and drink ice water? that immense cold in your", "mouth? my back felt like that immediately.", "so now i'm sitting here and my back, my butt, and", "my ladybits are burning cold. like, sitting in", "the snow naked kind of cold. it's really", "uncomfortable... so indeed, tifu." ]

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[ "i haven't had a bath in practically years so,", "after finally moving into a house with a bath, i", "decide to have one. having recently purchased a", "shiny new bag of weed, i thought combining the", "two would be a good idea.", "picture this; a very cramped bathroom, no", "windows, a shitty extractor fan, closed door,", "steaming hot bath and a spliff. as i lay there", "gently swishing to and fro, giggling like a", "little school girl, i neglected to notice how hot", "the room was becoming.", "after a while i looked up and realised i could", "barely even see the taps in front of me.", "naturally, i begin to panic and started", "scrambling around trying to escape. i grabbed a", "towel, stood up and immediately fell back to the", "floor. all i could see was black for what felt", "like 5 minutes, my heart was pounding and i could", "feel the blood rushing past my ears.", "once the feeling passed i stumbled into my", "bedroom and stood in front of the mirror, facing", "me was an extremely red version of myself with a", "bleeding shoulder.", "currently, my heart rate has almost returned to", "normal and i'm starting to feel and look less", "like a lobster. 2/10 would not recommend." ]

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[ "this was like 2 and a half weeks ago maybe 3. so i", "left my house to meet up with my girlfriend at a", "spot in some sorta wood type thing near some nice", "houses. on my way i saw landscape workers working", "around the houses and cleaning. i meet my gf and", "go find a spot in the woods. the spot we went to", "seemed nice and lonely for the both of us to hang", "out. i cant remember if we smoked or not (fried)", "but i was horny and i'm sure she was too so we", "start making out and start touching each other", "all over the place. then we start having sex in", "the woods. we were having sex peacefully until we", "heard workers. they sounded far but every second", "they seemed to get closer. we realized that they", "were just a few feet away. quickly me and my gf", "got up and get dressed and head over to a", "different spot which was not a good idea. we were", "kinda laying there and i told her that i wanted", "to finish, she said okay but she wanted to do it", "right there.i don't know what made me look back", "but when i do i see the landscapers and they were", "looking our way. there was about 3 or 4 workers.", "we quickly got off each other. i don't know for", "how long they were watching but they were", "watching. one kept looking our way. i was so", "embarrassed. bastards ruined it too ;) we just", "hung out for a bit after and went our separate", "ways. i wont forget that day." ]

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[ "so, my oven is broken...and i'm out of cooking", "oil, but i want some french fries. so i search", "the internet and find that if you cover french", "fries with something, either napkins or another", "plate and microwave them, they turn out ok. so i", "tried it, i took to plates, smushed em together", "and put the french fries in the microwave. (don't", "try this at home)", "half way through the five minute cooking cycle i", "pull the plate out. steam billowing out the crack", "between the two plates. i lift off the top plate", "and let it cool down a but, i touch the french", "fry and it's warm but a tad bit cold, i feel", "around and flip them with my fingers (genius!)", "and then i reach the center of the plate.", "freeze frame, have you ever microwaved", "something, like chicken nuggets, and the nuggets", "near the edge of the plate are colder than the", "ones in the middle? well this is exactly what", "happened, but a thousand times worse. since the", "fries have been blanched, frozen, bagged, and", "then put into my freezer, that means there's", "still some oil in the fries, and the microwave", "brought out that oil and boiled it,", "so i was poking around the fries when my finger", "squishes into a really soft one, right into the", "hell-fire center, where broiling hot potato", "smushes under my finger nail, i jump back in", "shock and flail around my hand whispering \"ow,", "stop, ow, stop, ow, stop\" i cover the plate,", "start the microwave, and walk away, suddenly,", "this burning sensation just erupts over the tip", "of my finger, full on pain train. i step into the", "bathroom and run it under cold water, only to", "find out. we're out of burn cream!", "so now i'm sitting at my desk, with first degree", "burns on my index finger which i stuck in a bag", "of frozen corn", "as i type with one hand.", "update: i put aloe vera on the end of my finger", "and it feels like little tiny snow angels", "grinding up against my finger, so gud" ]

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[ "this technically happened yesterday since it 1:30", "am here, but i can't sleep because i'm worried.", "before i start, let me set the scene. it's", "getting close to 6 on a mildly wet western north", "carolina summer day. not too much rain, but", "enough to get the grass wet, and i'm in the", "really mountainous part of wnc.", "so anyway, after hanging out with a friend of", "mine, we decide to visit another friend at her", "house since we're nearby. i pull up the", "driveway, see other friends' truck in the way, so", "i try to go around. the friend i was riding with", "got \"wait there's a-\" out just as i heard a", "*thunk*. \"-ditch there.\" got-dang it bobby. so i", "get out, lo and behold i'm stuck. if my truck had", "4 wheel drive, i wouldn't have been as concerned.", "so i try to go further forward. i hear a *snap*.", "\"well you broke my pipe, but that's fine.\" turns", "out i snapped a ~3 inch pvc pipe (i guess for", "drainage) and it was now lodged in front of my", "right front tire.", "now here's where it gets interesting.", "i leave my truck in neutral, go out to look at", "the pipe. think *oh, i can get that out from", "under there.* when i do, the whole truck comes", "rolling forward (remember; mountain country, i'm", "stuck on a slope.) i dodge the truck, which hits", "the girl's barn. neither the barn nor the truck", "was hurt, but i was pinned between the truck and", "the barbed wire fence on the passenger side.", "after reassuring everyone there i was a-okay, one", "of the girls called her cousin, who brought a", "jeep and a chain. i wriggle my way out of the", "wire, ever-so carefully step over the wire to", "make sure i can still have both boys and girls,", "not just one or the other, and make my way over", "to help hook things up and such.", "long story short, we get it uphill a little, get", "another truck involved, get it angled better, cut", "the fence, and i drive my truck down the adjacent", "field (what the fence was there to fence off),", "and everything is okay. i ended up with just as", "many scratches as the truck. i just got a text to", "call the girl's mom tomorrow, and i'm worried", "that she'll tear me a new butthole after this." ]

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[ "earlier today, i was at the local county fair in", "the lovely county of adams in wisconsin. i was", "there to enjoy the fair, help out and have a", "wonderful day. however, later in the afternoon, i", "found myself in the rabbit, chicken, duck, goose", "and dairy barn. i was behind a row of rabbit", "cages with my cousin, which bordered up to the", "wooden fence divider between the rabbits and", "dairy cows.", "this beautiful heifer decided she wanted to poke", "her head through to the rabbit side for what i", "thought, was to get a good scratch behind the", "ears, and on her bump. she however, had other", "thoughts. she was just interested in getting the", "bucket of water on the floor that was meant for", "watering the rabbits.", "when i reached down to scratch her, she tolerated", "it for about 10-15 seconds. at the end of those", "few seconds, i was looking away speaking to my", "husband, son, and cousin. all of a sudden, a loud", "thwack and searing pain in my right hand. i", "looked down, and she had my hand squished in", "between her head/head bump and the wooden fence", "post in the barn.", "after i got my hand loose, about ten seconds", "after the initial hit, it was already turning", "purple with a huge blood pool underneath my", "middle finger nail, as well as the base of the", "nail was bleeding in the cuticle. my other finger", "nails felt like i had played that stupid bite", "down on them as hard as you can, then push your", "fingers together game. so as of right now, my", "hand is still in serious pain, the nail is purple", "and has some serious blood build up underneath", "it. as well, all the rest of the blood vessels in", "the top of my finger have burst so its about", "three times the size it should be. so this is how", "i screwed my hand up, by fucking up and mistaking", "a heifer's want for water, as the want for", "attention." ]

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[ "so recently i have come down with a nasty upper", "respiratory infection and have been coughing a", "lot.", "today, i was sitting in the cafeteria at my", "college when i felt a particularly big cough", "coming on. it was a very effective cough, and", "apparently too effective, because instantly i", "realized i had shat my pants. while some may", "have been embarrassed, i was actually quite", "excited. after spending so much time reading", "about people who shat them selves, you start to", "wonder what it feels like. well, now i know." ]

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[ "so yeah it actually didn't happen today but about", "5 years ago. i was still a virgin and kind of", "frustrated about it. you know how it goes \"shit", "i'm still a virgin...\"", "so i was at this party and i heard that there was", "a girl which i heard she was pretty easy(let's", "call her easy girl from now on). so for the rest", "of the evening i spent drinking, i went outside", "to smoke. there was easy girl. i was really", "fucked up, but i thought hey, let's try this! i", "took her apart to someones driveway. we began to", "kiss, started to go down on her. everything went", "alright i even brought a condom! (well look at", "that!) i started fumbling around with my dick", "since i was drunk and never done it before.", "we fucked for a while but then i decided since i", "couldn't feel anything, let's take the condom", "off! great idea! now i was so fucked up i", "couldn't come so i asked her if she maybe would", "give me a blowjob. she agreed and gave me a", "blowjob (here is where the fuck up comes) when i", "thought i came i actually peed in her fucking", "mouth, no shit. i thought i came but my prostate", "thought otherwise.", "she gargled a little bit and then spit it", "out...never spoke to her since and sometimes when", "i see her mother, she gives me this weird look. i", "don't know if she knows..." ]

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[ "my boss had a stroke. he was hospitalized today.", "while a coworker was explaining his status i had", "my ear buds in and was laughing hysterically like", "a hyena at adviceanimals." ]

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[ "this happened this last weekend we all know that", "\"i'm glad you came\" song right? yeah i now will", "forever hate that song", "let me rewind i am 22 years old and in college my", "mom and sister came to pick me up for the weekend", "because my car is at the shop", "well anyways that song comes on my sister starts", "singing it and of course, me the idiot would be", "the one to say \"thats what your mom said last", "night' she immediatley smacked me and the mouth", "and pretended nothing even happened." ]

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[ "every day i drive to a park and ride, which is", "about 2 miles away from my place. well this", "morning as i was leaving, i left my keys on the", "counter and locked the door on the way out. it", "was both my car keys and my condo keys and i had", "no way back in. my wife had left for work 5", "minutes earlier; i tried calling her and she", "didn't answer.", "so i decided to walk...not three steps down the", "stairs i felt a fart coming on...i let it out", "slowly because i haven't been feeling great", "lately, and i felt a wet juicy fart slip out of", "my cheeks, only it wasn't just a fart it was", "diarrhea. it wasn't a lot, but enough to feel", "terrible.", "i had no choice though, but to walk; and of", "course, living the greater seattle area, it", "started raining. it was a 25 minute walk, then a", "30 minute bus-ride with runny crap between my", "cheeks. the only good news was that when i got to", "work, my underwear wasn't too badly stained." ]

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[ "so, this girl in my class and i have been working", "on a number of projects lately and we've", "developed a great connection. there seems to", "have been a number of signals, her calling things", "\"our song,\" texts for no reason, etc... the only", "problem was that i was her group leader (she was", "working under me) and i felt it inapropriate to", "make my move while that was still the case.", "fast forward to last night, she comes over for a", "few drinks before we meet up with other", "classmates for a night at the bar. the project", "finished the day before and i was starting to", "make more physical contact between us.", "friends come over, i get wasted....wake up the", "next morning with a different girl in my bed and", "her ignoring my calls.", "reddit, i fucked up!" ]

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[ "(technically this is more of a three years ago i", "fucked up, but i digress...)", "back in the good old school days, we had friday", "sport. this term, myself and a group of friends", "decided to join the representative touch footy", "team, and we were waiting for the bus to take us", "to our semi final match.", "my friend was sitting on the side of the grassy", "hill where we were waiting, and yelled \"oi, come", "over here!\" and patted her lap.", "so, naturally i went over and jumped into her", "lap, in a weak attempt to crush her legs. much", "laughing ensued, which attracted the attention of", "our other friends. so, we ended up in a pile of", "about 10, resembling a pile of stacked-up chairs.", "one of my teachers noticed, and walked over to", "us, shaking his head slightly. of course, what is", "the most natural response to seeing a stack of", "people sitting in each others laps? push the", "stack.", "so, with eight people in front of me (with some", "pretty serious weight adding up there), we fell", "over sideways.", "as the laughter increased tenfold, i heard a very", "faint clicking sound. feeling my leg tense up, i", "looked down. bad move.", "about five centimetres to the right of my leg was", "my knee cap, hanging (or levitating as it", "appeared from my angle) in midair.", "so, after a number of very unladylike expletives", "and a bit of yelling/screaming, people noticed", "that my knee cap had attempted to escape my leg", "and called an ambulance.", "then the bus showed up.", "so, while my friends went to sport and got their", "asses kicked by a fellow high school, i sat on", "the side of the hill with my fucked up leg.", "the paramedics show up, and ask if they can try", "and put my knee cap back in place without pain", "killers. at this point, the extremely light", "spring breeze which is flowing feels like razor", "blades cutting into my tendons, so i wasn't", "exactly keen on this idea.", "so, they picked up the end of my leg and pulled.", "i think i punctured an eardrum, screaming.", "they realise that this might not be the best", "plan, so i'm bundled up onto a stretcher and head", "off to hospital. driving in an ambulance with a", "dislocated knee cap was never on my bucket list,", "but at least i've crossed it off?", "when i arrive at the hospital, i'm finally given", "the good pain killers (nitrous oxide for the win,", "none of that \"green whistle\" shit) and the er", "physio walks in. it took three people to", "stabilise me, while he pulled my foot and", "twisted. behold, my knee cap finally pops back", "in! they waited for me to come down of the high", "of the nitrous before fitting me in a knee brace", "and crutches.", "note for the wise - a knee brace which holds your", "leg completely straight, thus making one leg", "longer than the other, will fuck you over. worst", "two weeks ever.", "after a month, with crutches, a knee brace and", "some really pleasant taping, physiotherapy and an", "inability to climb stairs easily, my knee was", "finally released from its self-induced prison.", "i've never sat in that friend's lap again. i also", "got an a in geography from that teacher at the", "end of that term.", "edit:" ]

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[ "so i got a windows 7 ultimate disc and decided i", "should upgrade and start fresh. i decide that i", "will keep all my files (about 400 gigs) so i", "brought my laptop to school to hook up to one of", "the extra hard drives while i had decided to", "reinstall. so get to school and whats the first", "thing my dumbass self does? put the installation", "disc in and format the whole hard drive without", "backing up. so now i have lost all my videos,", "half finished projects, notes and school work." ]

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[ "okay so this morning i woke up extremely tired,", "looking for a way to wake my self up (i don't go", "back to sleep easily, so i decided to wake up", "instead). i chose food (what else!?)", "so i went to the kitchen, poured some cereal into", "a bowl and got a cup, got out the milk and juice", "(i have the same god damn thing every day), and", "poured the milk into the cup and the juice on the", "cereal.", "thing is, as i was tired as fuck, i didn't notice", "until i put the first mouthful in my mouth. i", "noticed the odd taste, and actually liked it. i", "finished my breakfast as it is, no complaints.", "won't do it again though, as it was a ridiculous", "amount of juice." ]

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[ "**warning!: wall of text which could easily be", "viewed as really fucking boring**", "the background of the relationship is that we had", "met online and hadn't met yet. he lives 200 miles", "away from where i live, but my life's rather busy", "and he doesn't have a job right now (unemployment", "in his region is over 50%, so i don't blame him).", "he's a very kind, sweet human being, and i", "probably would have been lucky to end up with", "him. now, i'm not from the country i'm currently", "studying in, but i would like to end up here", "eventually. it seemed that the stars had aligned", "in showing me that there was hope for love here…", "boy, was i wrong.", "there's a huge secessionist movement within a", "different region (one which neither of us live", "in), which has been gaining traction over the", "years, especially with the recent economic", "collapse. i am a lover of said region; it's the", "place where i feel the most comfortable in the", "entire world — the people, the cuisine, the", "culture… all of it just *fits*.", "he, however, does not feel the same way about", "this region. i already knew that, but it had been", "bothering me since he had called people from", "there \"obnoxious sheeps [sic]\", amongst other", "things. we have always had different", "communication styles (i'm a fucking loudmouth and", "he's rather reserved), but we had been making it", "work. this morning, however, i couldn't hold back", "some of my worries, and amongst other things, i", "mentioned how he wants to live in an entirely", "different country and how i would not.", "the", "i don't know what else to say, really. i debated", "with him my point as best as i could, calling out", "flaws in his argument about the nature of the", "secessionist movement and the national identity", "of the people from that region. for a while i", "thought he could at least be tolerant of my deep", "regard for it but… it would appear that even that", "was impossible. i got fed up with his ad hominem", "attacks on me and on the people who live out", "there, and i told him he can act like a child all", "he likes, but it doesn't make a whole group of", "people terrible just for their geographical", "location.", "tbph, i'm a bit numb to it all. in january i had", "a whirlwind romance which tore me to pieces by", "the end of it. and having this happen without", "ever even meeting to see if we're compatible in", "the real world… welp, i'm just done with men for", "a while. i don't feel anything and my only", "reaction to this whole thing was to clean my room", "and wash my sheets in a fervor. he apparently", "felt awful that he'd lost my respect, but rather", "i deleted him from all of our sources of", "communication, which i did so i wouldn't have to", "deal with his remorse.", "i'm not sure if i really fucked up today but… it", "would have been nice to at least have *tried* to", "make things work instead of leaving things off on", "such a sour note. c'est la vie." ]

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[ "i had my electronics class today and my professor", "gave us an assignment where we have to make", "something from nothing. nothing being the broken", "computers and other electronics that we could", "find in our workroom.", "my group decided to build a boat, because", "honestly, hot gluing a block of styrofoam to a", "cpu fan is the easiest idea that any of us could", "think of, but we wanted to get a bit more", "creative. we found a couple of speakers in an old", "bin, and one with the audio output still intact", "with an auxiliary headphone cable, so we decided", "to play around with them a bit and see if we", "could mount them on our boat.", "before we began work on them, we had to see that", "they worked, so i took the speaker with the", "intact audio output, plugged it into my phone,", "hooked up the speaker to the oscillator, kicked", "it up to five volts, and started playing a song", "on my phone.", "little did i know that the current would travel", "through the speaker, up the auxiliary cable, into", "my phone's audio input where the battery beyond", "had a maximum load capacity of only three point", "eight volts.", "i literally held my phone in my hands as the", "voltage fried my motherboard and the screen", "turned black, never to turn on again." ]

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[ "i seldom go to starbucks but today i decided i", "should go, well inner me decides, \"hey! lets get", "a frappucino!\" i'm lactose intolerant and coffee", "usually upsets my stomach, but hey i really", "wanted to go to try the new hazelnut frappe and", "this totally escaped my mind. just because hey", "i'm thirsty! so i order it and drink it,", "shockingly for the first time in a while it didnt", "upset my stomach. wow! so i go on about my day", "and go to the library for a couple of hours,", "leave campus and go to my local grocery store to", "buy lunch.", "i finally feel a rumble and start feeling cramps.", "fuck this isn't good so i hurry about my", "business. i walk through the store and thought i", "had to fart. i was too trusting because next", "thing i feel is a warm splooge leaving my ass.", "fuck this is not good! so i hurry and check out", "and get to my car. i squeeze my ass cheeks", "together and semi waddle to my car. right when i", "get to my car it builds up and my body decides,\"", "fuck you bro!\" i shit myself. i felt warm hot", "liquid leave my ass, i cry a little. thankfully i", "did have a change of clothes and found a public", "restroom." ]

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[ "this was actually a few weeks ago, but over the", "course of my relationship with my girlfriend we", "have shared quite a lot of intimate texts between", "each other. among those however are the rest of", "our texts, usually filled with sweet messages,", "thoughtful things, important life events, etc. i", "have my phone set to back up all of my texts and", "upload them to my dropbox account, which is", "synced with my computer.", "one day, i had to help share a file between my", "computer and my brother's. i set up my dropbox", "account on his computer so that the file transfer", "could be easier. little did i know, his computer", "would not only have access to my files, but be", "notified when a new file was uploaded.", "a few days later, my phone uploads the recent", "backup of my texts, and my brother sees it. since", "it had a weird file name, he opened it to make", "sure it wasn't some virus. sure enough, the first", "text he sees is the beginning of a sext from my", "girlfriend, going into much detail about how we", "want to fuck each other and how horny we are. he", "didn't read the whole thing, but now my younger", "knows about my sex life in excruciating detail.", "edit" ]

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[ "well it wasn't today but rather last night....", "after a few drinks and a blunt (we are both", "ents), my boyfriend and i decided to \"do the", "dirty\" since its been a few days. we were getting", "really into it when he decides he wants to do", "anal again. i'm not a big fan but we have done it", "before and he knows to be gentle so i said why", "not. i'm pretty sure he was on e too because he", "lasted way longer than normal and he was going", "pretty fast when we switched it up. after telling", "him a few times to slow down because it hurt, he", "switched back to good old vaginal intercourse", "from behind. well, here is where the fuck up", "happened. any of you ladies who have done anal", "are probably aware of that \"poopy feeling\" after,", "so of course that was happening. he was still", "going in from behind, so i decided to stick my", "butt up and arch my back down because it drives", "him insane, when all of a sudden i felt a fart", "rumbling through.....then it happened. though, it", "was more than a fart. we both stopped and i asked", "sheepishly if there was a mess, he said no then", "promptly ran to the bathroom. i heard the shower", "go on and that's when i knew he was just trying", "to not make a big deal of it.", "when he came out of the shower i ran in the", "bathroom almost in tears and showered as well. i", "came back out and didn't even want to say", "anything, i was horrified. he assured me it was", "ok and that we would pretend it never happened,", "and all night and all day he was being a lot", "nicer than usual knowing that although i'm not", "embarrassed by much at all, when i am", "embarrassed, i don't take it lightly." ]

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[ "ok so first off i would like to say its not funny", "till the end so prepare to be like \"o shit\" and", "then \"is this ever going to end\" but enjoy.", "so i was going downstairs about 2 hours ago to", "get something to eat and possibly to drink. while", "downstairs i notice my mother eating a salad, and", "naturally i was like fuck yea salad i love me", "some salad. upon investigation of the", "refrigerator i notice that there isn't any salad", "left. (btw fuck you grammer nazi's because i dont", "care about my punctuation) i decide that im going", "to be crafty...so i grab it and sneak behind my", "mother and yell loudly that i was the salad ninja", "and stole a bite. now as this happens she turns", "and looks at me with dissapointment in her eyes", "as she yells \"stay off my fu-.......\" and at that", "moment she looks up at me and gasps that she cant", "breathe and needs help. so i do what i think the", "fucking heimlich maneuver is, which wasnt pretty", "at all, and fail horribly and start yelling for", "her to breathe because it was all i could think", "to do and this woke my step-dad. at this moment i", "realized she was coughing which means she was", "breathing to some extent. my stepdad rolls in the", "kitchen and tries to pull off his version of the", "heimlich maneuver as well which also wasnt pretty", "at all. and after some trial and error he looks", "at me realizing she is breathing as well sort of", "saying \"what the hell are we in here doing as far", "as i know shes fine.\" then he looks back down at", "her only to look up again and stare into my eyes", "as if he is looking at my soul or something for", "at least 15 seconds which felt like a year or", "something. then my wife comes down the stairs and", "she starts freaking out and calls the ambulance", "and i realize why she was shocked as i saw the", "puddle of blood coming from my mothers mouth. the", "squad showed up and they asked questions like her", "name and other various things a squad would ask", "before packing her up in the gurney and rolling", "out to the hospital. my step-dad left shortly", "after and i havnt seen or heard from them yet.", "although i had a terrible realization just a few", "minutes ago...", "i would like to start off by saying that my", "step-fathers half mexican daughter is coming to", "ohio tomorrow to see her father for the first", "time in her life. (she is 29 years old) so", "tomorrow is a very special day, but just like the", "dumbass idea of salad ninja i decided to be an", "ass again and do something even more stupid. i", "decided that since she is part mexican she must", "be catholic right? riiiiiiiiiiiiiight. so i also", "think who is the biggest catholic", "ever....muffuckin hitler. so since i was going to", "be the first person she sees at 10 am tomorrow", "morning i thought i would shave my head and all", "of my facial hair except for a hitler mustache", "and completely act like it was normal and this is", "how i look all the time.", "of course i forget about this completely as it", "was several hours before and no one else had", "known about it. this also made me realize that", "the 15 seconds my step-dad stared into my soul", "was actually the 15 seconds my step-dad was", "wondering why in the fuck does this dumbass have", "a fucking hitler mustache. as i have said i hadnt", "talked to anyone about it and no one knew", "anything about it, nor have i talked to anyone", "since it happened and im sure im going to hear", "about his when they all get home. im not really", "sure how to explain a hitler mustache to anyone,", "if anyone has ideas im open for them. however i", "definitely would say that i fucked up hardcore", "and this isnt going to be a good convo at", "all...fml." ]

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[ "this happened a few years back so i know its not", "today, but its my cake day and i do what i want.", "so i was working at a fast food restaurant", "working the grill. it was a particularly busy", "day, and i didn't have a lot of experience on the", "grill. i was working with a few good friends and", "this girl lets call her cathy. now cathy has", "burns on about 90% of her body which is very", "unfortunate, but cathy is also a huge bitch.", "cathy was working transfer(basically taking", "hamburger patties and putting them on the buns).", "so you can imagine what happens next... cathy is", "waiting for me to finish up a couple of patties", "but i know they have another half a minute or so", "until she should take them. then all of a sudden", "a wild order appears, i think it was grilled", "onions or jalapenos and some grilled chicken. so", "i throw these down real quick and start to go to", "town. in the process of this cathy tells me that", "she needs my meat. i tell her to give me a couple", "seconds, but that wasn't quick enough for her.", "she decides in horrible fashion that shes just", "going to grab it off the grill. so in my blatant", "ignorance i say \"i hope you burn yourself.\" the", "mistake i just made quickly pours over me, but", "before i have time to correct myself and", "apologize she replies with \" i already have.\" i", "immediately feel the daggers of empathy go", "through my heart, and try to apologize, but the", "damage is done and i realize that everyone around", "me is just staring. fuck..." ]

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[ "after much pleading with my girlfriend i was able", "to convince her to have special sexy times.", "that's right, i was going to take my love canoe", "to the grand tetons! not only that, but i was", "going to, for lack of something clever, cum right", "on her neck, which sounds fantastic and", "foolproof! how naive i was to think that i could", "do this without doing what i did instead.", "so we are going at it, i'm making sweet sweet", "glorious love to her sweet sweet boobs. i start", "to get some tingles and jingles brewing", "downstairs and i get ready for what i expect to", "be a wonderful and simple ejaculation.", "i get into position and angle everything towards", "her neck so it can easily be cleaned up", "afterwards. and then it happened. i ejaculated.", "but, it took this mysterious unexplainable angle.", "and it was as if time slowed down so as to allow", "me to watch every last moment of what was", "happening. instead of going straight out and to", "her neck, it went up and it had this stunning", "arching angle that ended up landing right", "straight in the middle of her eye. that's right,", "i came right in her eye with an angle that would", "not allow me to do that!", "that is when i started uncontrollably laughing", "while i was straddling her body which caused my", "penis to bounce up and down in front of her face", "and smacking bouncing on her chest. as she was in", "pain, i could not stop laughing at what just", "happened. this caused her eye to get extremely", "red and i still couldn't stop laughing." ]

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[ "i went on a road trip to visit my mom last week.", "it was my first time driving to nyc. my map app", "told me that it was a toll road so i pulled out", "$20 cash thinking it would be plenty. i'm from", "the midwest and i've never paid a toll that was", "higher than maybe $4. i've made the drive up i95", "as far north as baltimore all the way down to ga", "and i knew there weren't any tolls until i went", "under the harbor and that one was only a few", "bucks. i felt prepared.", "i pay a couple of tolls totaling $12 and now i'm", "on the jersey turnpike. i glanced at my ticket", "and assume that the $8 i have left should cover", "my toll just fine. i have not actually zoomed out", "of my route at all and have just been trusting", "the map to tell me where i'm going.", "turns out it doesn't even matter because i get in", "the wrong lane and end up being forced through", "the ez pass. i don't have one. there's no way to", "back up or turn around. cars are honking at me", "because i'm pretty much panicking at this point.", "my kids are in the car asking me what's going on", "and i have no choice but to go forward and hope", "that i'm not committing a felony or something.", "from there on it's rapid fire exits and the start", "of intense traffic going into the city. there's", "no place to pull over and pull more cash, nor did", "it even occur to me to do so because by now i'm", "no longer on an interstate. however, a few miles", "down the road and there's another tollbooth and", "they want $12, which, of course, i don't have", "because nothing in my years of interstate travel", "through middle america has prepared me for how", "much tolls are on the east coast. she waves me", "through and i feel like crying. i have taken", "cross country road trips alone with 4 kids since", "they were babies and have never once felt as", "stupid and incapable as i did then.", "fast forward to today and i get a bright orange", "envelope in the mail. it's an ez pass citation.", "not only do i owe them $13 (!) for the toll, but", "i'm charged an extra $50 as a fine. i'm praying", "that the other toll i owe doesn't have the same", "fee added to it.", "ironically enough, on the way home i accidentally", "picked a route consisting of state roads and", "didn't realize it at first. i literally paid $3", "in tolls and shaved 2 hours off the trip by", "avoiding backed up metro traffic. but guess who", "had $150 in my purse just waiting for a tollbooth", "to materialize on the horizon?" ]

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[ "okay, so i just got off work today and i had to", "tell this story somewhere. i work in a call", "center for a cable company for their tech", "support. today i got a specific call about", "something along the lines of \"when i open", "internet explorer all that comes up is a giant", "white screen and i can never close out of the", "pages\"", "at first i thought, maybe he hit f11 and it cause", "the browser to go full screen. in the end i", "figured out he was actually using the new windows", "8 operating system and just didn't know how to", "navigate it whatsoever. i'm not an expert on", "windows 8 by any means, but i thought i would at", "least give him a brief tutorial just to help him", "out even though it was out of my support", "boundaries. this guy was bounced from line to", "line and no one was willing to help him, so why", "wouldn't i make his day just a bit better by", "doing him this one favor?", "well, for one, this guy was a bit strange. he was", "an older man, and 5 minutes into the call he let", "me know \"how beautiful of a voice\" i have. asked", "me my age and where i'm located (basically any", "information i was allowed to give out.) he", "repeated my name multiple times and just kept", "talking about how pretty my voice apparently is", "on the phone. i didn't think much of it, until we", "got to me showing him how to use his os.", "over the phone i talked him through typing in an", "address in the actual address bar at the bottom", "of the page on windows 8 and prompted him to type", "in a code which would allow me to remotely access", "his computer and navigate it/type stuff on it/use", "a highlighter/etc in order to show him how to use", "the computer. first things first, let's delete", "all those open tabs..", "lucky me i guess, half those tabs were porn.", "straight up porn. my favorite had to have been", "the \"daddy daughter massage play\". definitely had", "me rethinking those questions i answered earlier", "in the call. anyways, when the tabs opened i", "heard him on the other line say \"oh, hello", "there!\" and i about died laughing.", "the rest of the call was super awkward, and now", "i'm pretty sure i have a phobia of old men", "calling me for technical support. but at least", "it's over." ]

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[ "technically it was not today but last friday, hope", "you forgive me there. also, forgive the bad", "english of a spanish speaker.", "so i´m a nervous guy,and this week, the money", "my parents gave me for college went away faster", "than usual, because i had to buy some groceries", "on my apartment that i didn´t account for. now, i", "dont have a debit card so i can't get money from", "my savings that easily. so naturally i don't tell", "anything to my parents about me running out of", "money and i try to solve the situation myself by", "asking my friend to lend me some money, which i", "end up missmanaging, and by friday morning i had", "only enough money to return to my apartment and", "thats it. as i was pretty much bankrupt and i had", "to attend to some classes saturday morning, i", "give up and end up asking my parents to send me", "money. at this point all that goes through my", "mind is how bankrupt i am and how likely it is", "that money wont come on time and i´ll find myself", "with nothing to eat on saturday morning, so i was", "not paying attention while i took the bus back", "home.", "the bus drivers where i live are pretty much", "insane, and policemen apparently dont care about", "this, so it was perfectly logical for the bus", "driver to skip a red light and go down my street", "at a 100km/h instead of 40km/h. in this moment i", "realize i will miss my stop, and there are no set", "stops for the bus on my country, outside of the", "capital city, so i yell at the guy to stop, of", "course he can´t go from a hundred to 0 in the", "half second that it would take him to get to my", "street. the guy slows down to 30km/h by the", "moment he gets to my stop, and i for some reason", "thought i could be a badass and jump/run out of", "the bus whithout fall damage cause well, my mind", "was all over the place about money, so i jumped", "from a moving bus, at 30km/h and the inevitable", "happens, i wreck my ankle like a total dumbass,", "and end up on the floor with gravel on my mouth,", "in front of the now fully stopped bus with people", "checking on me from the windows. out of pure", "shame i stand up and signal them that i'm ok and", "walk all the way to my apartment (approx 200m", "plus straircases) i lay on my bed and try to", "forget the incident by browsing reddit.", "fast forward 3 hours and my ankle already is the", "size of a melon (a small melon), and i can't bear", "the pain. luckily this is also the moment that my", "cousin (who was sent to give me the money my", "parents were sending me) gets to the apartment so", "i ask him to get me to the hospital. long story", "short, i had a sprain and my tibia and fibula are", "half a cm more separated than they were supposed", "to be, which earns me a cast, a $300 bill with my", "cousin, and a lot of explaining to do at college", "to all the proffesors i end up owing exams, and", "to my already pissed parents." ]

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[ "so, i was playing halo 4 at my friends house. we", "played like 5 matches, and i had been doing", "horribly.", "we start up a game of free for all and we get at", "it. intense game. last 20 seconds and im tied", "with my friend who is sitting there split", "screening with me. i win by a kill.", "herrs where i fuck up. i get so excited and all", "of us are cheering that i kick the xbox over. it", "makes a weird humming noise and we wait like 10", "seconds before unplugging it.", "he pops out the disc, and shit, its scratched.", "its now unreadable. i had to give him my copy.", "fuck." ]

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[ "ok, sigh. this happened last night.", "my friend, brother and i went to go watch a movie", "at a local theatre. im getting over a stomach flu", "so ive been passing gas lately, sorry for the", "tmi. so we find a parking spot and i thought it", "would be funny to rip a huge one before we leave", "to see if the smell would still stay in the truck", "until after the movie, i really didnt need to so", "i tried to force one out! and boom... a big ass", "shart!!! i had the most embarrassing face on, my", "friend and brother asked me what was wrong and i", "told them what happened, and they were literally", "rofl. we were late for the movie because i had to", "take a pitstop at starbucks bathroom.", "i took me a good 25 minutes to wipe up, throw", "away my boxers, and do anything else to clean", "myself up. i couldnt do anything about the smell", "tho. and when i was done, i opened the door and", "there was a line of people waiting for the", "bathroom. :/ fml" ]

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[ "because my nails are super thick and i have", "scissors instead of clippers, i tend to forget", "clipping them every now and then, causing them to", "get super long and, and some cases, super", "fragile.", "while i was pacing around, killing time by", "listening to music, i stumbled down the", "mini-steps into the hallway, sending my right big", "toe smashing into the back of my left foot. sure,", "it hurt like a bitch for a second, but i'd done", "it before and didn't think it was that serious.", "until i got into my room and saw the blood on my", "foot.", "turns out my nail was so long, the leverage from", "the impact cracked it in half horizontally, and", "sent the sharp interior edge down into the nail", "bed, causing insane amounts of bleeding.", "have i mentioned yet that i'm hemophobic?", "probably should've mentioned that.", "now, because i also fucked up by not getting new", "sneakers recently and my only pair squeezes the", "hell out of my toes, i'm going to have to wear", "flip flops. in fourty degree weather." ]

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[ "it's the start of a glorious weekend. getting home", "from a long day, hanging out with close friends,", "getting the occasional call or text message to", "jump from one activity to the next. early evening", "i receive a text from what i believed, at the", "time, was a beautiful, yet intelligent woman i", "had been texting earlier that day. she's flirting", "with me, i'm flirting back and all is going", "smoothly. this sort of stuff carries on for the", "next few hours, until she she says she has to", "walk home from a local fast food restaurant. i", "ask her which establishment that she had dined", "(*actually wouldn't call this dining, but rather", "eating out*) that particular evening. she says", "that it was one that was particularly close by. i", "begin to ask whether she had moved from one home", "to another one close by, she says no. at the", "time, this didn't raise a red flag.", "next day, we text back and forth. the usual winky", "face and the cliche flirtatious remark is made", "towards one another and i'm thinking to myself \"", "wow, could this be going any better?\" but then,", "reality struck. i received a call from the", "attractive woman that i had been texting the", "previous day and i looked at the number thinking", "\"oh god, what have i done?!\" soon, i scrolled", "through my text messages realizing that i was", "texting an obese, not so attractive male", "associate of mine. in shock, i instantly told the", "attractive female what the situation was, she", "laughed, of course, at what had happened. i still", "have yet to reply to the male associate of mine", "in fear of the awkwardness that has ensued." ]

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[ "so today started like any other saturday. i picked", "up my buddy from his house and came back to mine", "to play some gamecube games. we got a bit hungry", "around 1-ish today and decided to get something", "we haven't eaten in a while. i offered my dad to", "buy him lunch and he said taco bell. i was", "hesitant because i never really eat there (i'm", "not big on taco bell, sue me). my dad reassured", "me that the loaded grillers they now serve we're", "great so i took is word, got my friend, my dad", "and myself a bunch of shit and had a nice lunch.", "the spicy chicken grillers are actually great and", "i had 3.", "any way lets fast forward to about 7 o'clock. i", "have my girlfriend, my buddy and 2 other friends", "with us. we're all starving so my girlfriend", "suggests arby's. i say why the fuck not cuz it's", "been a while as well and i get a chicken, bacon", "and swiss sandwich and a chocolate shake. fucking", "delicious by the way. so we get back to my house", "and all is well. my girlfriend and i both smoke", "so throughout the day and night we are smoking as", "well.", "now fast forward again to about 11, i start", "getting cramps in my lower abdomen, like knife", "stabbing. i manage to ignore it, but around 11:40", "rolled around and my one buddy and i are left at", "the house. i'm doing everything i can to hold it", "in. i bro-hug my buddy goodbye quick and i", "**sprint** to the bathroom whilst grabbing my", "laptop, charger, phone and smokes.", "which brings us to here. i'm past the hour mark", "and still going. i'm typing this as i take a sir", "harrington (look it up). also, no tp so i'm using", "paper towels. sorry for the wall of text." ]

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[ "so i've been dating a girl for about 6 months. i'm", "bi, and she doesn't know that. i'm more sexually", "attracted to men, but i have more of an emotional", "attraction to her. anyway, today, we were sitting", "around bullshitting like we usually do. i decided", "i want to show her a new song that i found that i", "figure she would like. on iphone, if you double", "tab the home button, the multitask pane pops up.", "usually, when i double tap it, it goes to the", "music player. it didn't this time. not paying", "attention, i pressed where the play button", "usually is. instead of hitting play, i bring up", "my tumblr (where i have my porn). suddenly, my", "screen is filled with bear (big hairy men, not", "the animal) cock. i panicked and closed the app", "and tried explaining that my friend was messing", "with me sending various pictures. she played it", "off, but i'm not sure she bought it." ]

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[ "so there's this girl who works at a burrito place", "i like.", "cool chick, we're friends, have been for a while.", "so i'm thinking i'll go here for lunch.", "she's working, and i starting talking to her,", "hitting on her, cuz she's hot and i'm a guy so", "fuck it, why not.", "turns out, when i dated her friend a while back,", "and dumped her after a week (bitches be cray),", "she didn't like it.", "also turns out, we aren't friends. and she hates", "me.", "so she takes my burrito and throws it (sour", "cream, guac and all) at me from over the counter.", "best part: she's manager, so she doesnt get in", "trouble." ]

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[ "so some fucker is dancing between a two lane road", "whenever a lane gets fucking clogged (and by", "clogged i mean he can't fucking brake and wait", "like a normal person), thinking he'll get to his", "destination 4 minutes quicker. my previous two", "attempts to block him from getting to my lane and", "stop pulling that fuckery failed, so i got a bit", "ballsier when he was in front of me.", "i decide to go into a little side lane (where", "cars load and unload) and decide to pass the", "fucker that's currently in front of me with that", "space. fortunately i pass him, but unfortunately", "i knock a fucking mirror off the other car he was", "tailgating.", "fml.", "my car got a nasty scratch and the fucker that", "cut me off and pissed me off got off scot free.", "**fuck i wish i could have hit that motherfucker", "if i was going to hit someone.**", "fortunately, the guy driving it was cool and only", "wanted $50 for the broken mirror on his car.", "people say that you should call insurance and", "police in accidents, but this wasn't a huge one,", "so i just paid the guy. might not be a smart idea", "on my part since he could claim damages that", "weren't present during the accident or other", "fuckery, but he didn't seem like a dick (and also", "might not be a resident/citizen; he wasn't a high", "roller from the looks of his car and clothes). i", "got his information and got him to sign a", "non-formal contract saying that i paid for the", "mirror.", "anyways, if you're reading this juan, thanks a", "lot. and to the fucker in la that pulled that", "shit, fuck you and your whole fucking family that", "raised you. i honestly wish you continue to drive", "like a fucking retard, so that you'll fucking die", "in an accident.", "you fucking piece of shit." ]

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[ "i work as sales in a manufacturing/distributing", "company that sells paper and plastic products.", "long story short, a distributor contacts me and", "is interested in spoons, requests prices, i give,", "and then orders. he gives me a card over email,", "which i should've suspected, but i didn't since", "it was a large amount of $$ and i'm based on", "commission. i try the card, and it works! we do", "two other transactions throughout the month, each", "card is under a different name and address... it", "all clears. another stupid move on my part.", "today i am told the company that i've been", "working with is a fraud company, all the credit", "cards i've been using were stolen, and all the", "products are gone. thankfully the last shipment", "we sent out was a local storage warehouse and we", "claimed about 8k back.. but still. pretty shitty.", "atleast now i know i probably won't lose my job." ]

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[ "nothing too exciting with this tifu. i already", "submitted my university applications earlier and", "theres pressure on my parents to attend", "university because it's more prestigious and the", "odds of me getting a career post grad is higher", "than college, i also think it's part of their own", "benefit. but i wanted to apply to both because", "theres a prestigious animation program at a", "college 1 city away from here where many of", "pixar, disney and other industry giants employees", "are recruited from. it's a dream of mine to be an", "animator and definitely a pixar animator, but i", "knew my drawing skills were not up to par, but i", "thought it would be worth the application", "anyways. the only thing holding me back was the", "95$ fee to apply. i tried to pay for it myself", "because i knew i'd have no support from my", "parents - but my card was declined each time i", "tried and my mom said i should \"think about it", "more before i apply\" all while speaking in a", "saddened/angered tone. i hadn't even asked my dad", "because i knew what his reaction would be. this", "was yesterday, lone behold today i log in to the", "college site and one of my program choices is", "gone, animation, the application queue for the", "program is full and they're not accepting", "anymore. should have just manned up and stood up", "for myself. instead now i have to wait another", "year to apply - while i'm a freshman in uni." ]

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[ "this bar i have been going to has my little", "sisters friends sister bar tending there and this", "past sunday i said one the dumbest things. i had", "asked if her sister was single and whatnot, i", "pretty much just asked that in general because i", "thought my sister and hers where not friends", "anymore, i tried to say my bad and apologize but", "it was busy. though as i left she said in a", "joking way from what i could tell that she was", "going to tell her. i know it's not that bad", "sounding to most but i don't let stupid thoughts", "like that get out, i normally dismiss them and", "now i feel like the creepy guy." ]

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[ "this actually happened yesterday.", "i have a tendency to get really, really bored at", "work - because we have long periods of downtime.", "to keep myself awake i try to make myself", "physically uncomfortable. on my way in yesterday", "morning, i knew i had to drop a deuce, so i", "figured i'd hold it til after work to get me", "through the day.", "it didn't help. about 10am, i'm staring at the", "clock waiting for my next task to be ready. a", "minute later my boss nudges my arm and tells me", "to go home and get some sleep - i had fallen", "asleep watching the clock.", "so on the drive home, i'm annoyed at myself. i", "decide to stop by my parents house to pick up", "some cat6 i had left over there. as i pull off", "the highway i start coughing. the cough takes me", "hard (i'm recovering from a chest cold still) and", "i feel my asshole pinch for a minute, and an", "uncomfortable lump under me...i had coughed loose", "a small bit of dookie.", "get to my parents and immediately bolt to the", "washroom. sure enough, little globules of crap", "clung to my underwear.", "so reddit, yesterday i fucked up." ]

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[ "first all, for those of you that don't know what", "headsooth is, it is a chapstick like device which", "you apply to your forehead when you have a", "headache, it gives a deep cold/burning sensation", "which isn't pleasant and the best of times.", "so there we were, pre-drinking before a night", "out, having a right old laugh ect. when my mate", "pipes up to my other mate \"hey man, i dare you to", "put headsooth on your dick\" which he", "understandably refused. then an intoxicated me", "chirps in, \"i'll do it if you do\". the alcohol", "takes over and he agrees, putting the headsooth", "down his jeans. he then throws it to me, and as", "not one to back down from an agreement, i", "lathered that shit on. really pasted it. i finish", "and give it to the original 'darer', who is", "curious and gives it a go.", "next thing i know, the first guy screams 'fuck", "that' and runs upstairs.. no longer than 20", "seconds later the slight tingling in my balls", "turned to a furious burning sensation, to which i", "ran upstairs in agony. i run to the nearest sink", "and pull out my manhood, and what do i see? my", "balls, shining like a beacon, red as a london", "bus. i hear a scream from downstairs, and the", "last guy runs upstairs screaming. so there we", "are, three guys, luckily with three sinks in", "separate rooms, washing our balls. the pain was", "unbearable, i thought i was going to pass out. it", "was a hybrid of burning/aching/stinging in the", "most sensitive of areas. i felt like i needed to", "piss, shit and just die all at once. so i walk", "out into the hall, the water on my balls doing", "nothing, and keel over half screaming and half", "laughing at the other two's screams. they're", "vigorously washing their balls and having as much", "luck as i am.", "next thing i know my girlfriend and another mate", "come up stairs, he briskly takes a snapshot of my", "firey balls and decides to send them via whatsapp", "to everyone we know. i couldn't close my legs for", "a good hour after that.", "edit: here's my balls http://i.imgur.com/isvybcm.", "nsfw, obviously. it's my fucking balls." ]

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[ "granted, this f-up is not too bad compared to many", "of the others here, but it is bad in my life. it", "actually occurred last thursday. my first class", "had been canceled, and i was running late for my", "other class. we were having a test in that class,", "so i wanted to get there on time. best way? to", "drive fast. keep in mind, i drive a 97 ford with", "a little 4 cylinder engine. pos, alright. i", "manage to get that thing to almost 50 mph in", "about a block and a half. didn't see the cop just", "off the road. then, to top it off, i didn't have", "current insurance cards. did i mention that it", "was a 25 mph zone? good news is, only got 195 for", "20 over. took my word on the insurance problem..", "also, don't hate too hard, first post on", "reddit..." ]

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[ "it's been a couple weeks since i'd been to the", "gym. i got sick, i started a new job, life was", "generally being shitty and in the way. after some", "gentle encouragement from my girlfriend, i agreed", "that i really did need to get back on it and go", "back to working out.", "cue yesterday, first day back to the gym. i had", "lost my old lock but i had the one from my locker", "at my last job so i just brought that with me. i", "show up, get changed, and work out.", "when i get done with my workout, i go back in the", "locker room, grab my soap, a towel, and", "underwear, lock my locker and go shower.", "i finished my shower, walked out and up to my", "locker, and my heart sank. you can probably", "imagine why.", "my old lock was a combination lock. the one from", "my locker at work was a key lock. my keys were", "inside my locker.", "there i stood, wet, cold, and in my boxers,", "staring at my locker and the empty locker room", "and contemplating my next move.", "after a few minutes alone in the locker room, i", "realized nobody else was going to be able to help", "me (because nobody else was in there), so i", "braved the journey from the locker room to the", "front desk.", "here's where it gets worse -- the entire gym is", "one big room, with mirrors around the perimeter.", "if you're in the gym, people can see you. it was", "late, but not late enough that the gym was empty.", "as an added bonus, the men's locker room is the", "room second furthest away from the front desk.", "oh, and i should also mention that i am quite an,", "**ahem** *portly*, individual.", "so i walked up to the front desk, damp and in my", "underwear, and faced the (unfortunately) female", "front desk attendant. as if my luck wasn't bad", "enough, now somebody from the other gender was", "the one i had to ask for help, in front of god", "and everybody, in my underwear.", "much to my relief, the gym has a set of bolt", "cutters which she lent to me so i could go get my", "locker open. i trekked across the gym, now", "looking more ridiculous than before, in my", "underwear, holding a bolt cutter.", "i made it back to my locker, cut the lock, got", "dressed and walked back up. i returned the bolt", "cutter and made it a priority to get the fuck", "outta there as fast as i could. hopefully nobody", "that's in there tonight was there last night, but", "chances are i won't get so lucky." ]

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[ "i did some nude photography/modeling a few years", "back, and while i love the pieces i did and do", "not regret them in the slightest, i don't", "particularly want seeing my friends, especially", "male friends, seeing me nude, mostly because i", "have *body issues* like every other woman it", "seems.", "i was browsing reddit, and noticed a familiar", "photo. it was an old photo of me that someone had", "posted to gonewildplus, with another photo in the", "comments. i was surprised to see it and was", "having some feels about it. i was in chat with", "several people at once, bouncing between several", "different conversations, one of them being a good", "friend who i sent the link to the guys profile", "(but not the post itself), because she had", "something similar happen to her. however, when i", "was sending the link, i popped not into her box,", "but a box right next to her. a box with my male", "friend.", "i immediately noticed my mistake, and though it", "wasn't a link to the direct post, i know that", "photo was only one click away, and it was the", "newest post. i profusely apologized and told him", "to please not open it. he conceded, and told me", "he even cleared the chat log so he wouldn't be", "tempted to open it. he also told me to thank my", "lucky stars that i must be special because he", "wouldn't ordinarily do that. and before you", "naysayers come in and say he did look at him,", "trust me, if he had he would have made some sort", "of \"nice tits\" joke." ]

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[ "throwaway for obvious reasons, but i thought you", "guys might find more humor in what happened to me", "than i do.", "today i've been feeling particularly horny. i", "think it's a combination of pms (which makes me", "want to have a dick inside me in the worst way),", "and just thinking about the incredible sex i had", "this past weekend.", "well, my boss was in a meeting all day today so i", "let the horny-ness get the best of me. i pulled", "up pictures of my boyfriend's dong and i knew i", "just had to slip my pants down to mid-thigh level", "and get to it.", "i was really close to coming when i heard someone", "start walking up the stairs but i figured, fuck", "it, it *can't* be my boss..he's down in the", "meeting room all day! it has to be someone else", "going to their office. at that moment, i heard", "the door to my office open. fuuuuuck.", "i quickly pulled my pants up, but he walked", "around the corner in time to see me doing some", "buttoning up. having been so close to orgasm,", "just the seam of the pants touching there made me", "come. as he's trying to talk to me acting like he", "didn't know what i had been doing.", "as i tried my darndest to *not* show any signs of", "orgasm-occurence, i couldn't help my voice", "trembling. i could feel the flush color of my", "cheeks as well. but worst of all, i could see my", "boss getting a boner. my 68-year old boss turned", "on by my masturbation/orgasm. he then went into", "the bathroom for a few minutes, and we haven't", "exchanged words since the incident.", "hello monday. this will be an awesomely awkward", "week at work." ]

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[ "this will ^hopefully be the most disgusting,", "embarrassing thing that i will ever post.", "my mother in-law just got new , expensive chairs", "before the family visits for the holidays^you", "^already ^know ^where ^this ^is ^going", "so my entire family is sitting around the house,", "and i am feeling 100% ok. i just put on some new", "sheer stockings and a long sweater that looks", "really cute. and i am sitting in one of the new", "chairs when i feel a little sture of nature", "encroaching upon my stink wrinkles. i think, \"ok", "cool, done this a million times, just push it up", "and let it out easy and no harm done\"", "but oh no, **ohhhh no**", "instead of the dainty lady like poot i was", "expecting. i got a eruption that came forth from", "the debts of hell that was released into the", "world. the entire room fell completely and", "utterly quite as the loudest noise came from my", "anus, followed by a river of soupy shit.", "there was no hiding this .", "the chair was white. \n\nmy sweter was white.", "it was running down to the floor.", "and the smell could knock out a god damn moose.", "they all are just looking at me, wide eyed and", "unmoving. they were like petrified stone . i was", "in complete shock as i tried to process what just", "happened. then it happened again.", "but this time, it came along with vomit.", "now despite all this, my family are very kind and", "understanding. my mother in law and my husband", "ran to me to help me , breaking from their state", "of horror and the rest of my family kind of left", "or did something to make it a little less", "embarrassing , but the damage is done. i am just", "in my room, in my pajamas, scared to ever fart", "again...", "and a 900$ chair is to never be seen again." ]

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[ "this is going to start like most of these with a", "\"this wasn't today but whatever\". just shut up,", "y'all want to here a good story. so, me and my", "two best mates are out in zante. first ever lads", "holiday. if you've seen the inbetweeners film,", "that was roughly our expectations. and it", "delivered.", "so i had never been sick from alcohol until the", "first night. zante changed that. apologies to", "megan, our rep, who received the blessing of my", "first ever tactical chunder. that's what you get", "when we arrive at 8:00 and we have dropped the", "bags and in a huge group on the way to the strip", "at 8:02. so yeah, shit had gone down, one mate", "nailed the grimmest effort of a girl in our whole", "resort and we carried on.", "fast forward to the third night, this is where i", "really fucked up. we waited fairly late to go", "out, plenty of predrinks, best digs on and ready", "for whatever the fuck that night would bring us.", "so we went slightly mad, laughing gas,", "headfuckers and erect nipples went down and down", "for a while. we followed the reps group and ended", "up in a bar/ club thing. at this point i was on", "the verge between loving it and cresting the", "peak. my confidence was huge, my banter and charm", "(i thought) was top notch and was chatting up", "some skirt. then my boys came over and told me", "that they entered my fucked ass in one of the", "drinking games. and, in case you have never been", "on this type of holiday before, that's code for", "torture involving alcohol.", "so it's me versus this girl, and i'm genuinely", "struggling to comprehend the instructions from", "the rep over the huge pa system in the club, but", "there is a load of drinks on a tray to the side", "and a barstool in front of me. that's what a", "state i was already. i knew this was bad. so the", "idea was (from my memory), shot of vodka 10 spins", "around the bar stool, 10 push ups, 10 star jumps", "and there was 4 shots. then the same thing but", "with a pint (!) of sex on the beach. shit son.", "did this in a completely retarded fashion, then", "we had to find 10 members of the opposite sex to", "kiss and run back. done. some of the girls even", "volunteered, but most, i sort of just grabbed", "their face. then another shot of vod and one last", "excersize round. whoah nelly.", "as we got to the final big club where a dj was", "playing, i was totally hating it. felt just", "awful, could not control myself and i wanted out", "of this drunken stupor. my buddies paid for me to", "go to the vip lounge so i could sit down. sat", "down for maybe one or two minutes. could not", "handle it. the music, the room spin, jesus this", "is awful. ran outside. projectile paint job on a", "car parked outside the club. sat on the curb and", "vomited some more all over myself and the car.", "passed out. loads of people tyres to wake me up,", "apparently. would not move. i went to a place", "then that i never want to go to again. if i had a", "gun, i would have shot myself immediately. and", "i'm very much not suicidal. i wanted out. i", "wanted to die if it stopped my being this goddamn", "drunk. wanted to cry. saw an ambulance pulling", "up. got in.", "woke up in the middle of the night on a drip,", "doctors and nurses standing around me. was on a", "drip. went back to sleep just to get out of this", "nightmare. i could not face reality.", "woke up the next morning, no headache and far", "more sober, still with the drip attached. found", "my way to the hospital toilet, trailing the drip", "behind. found something else down there too", "(reset the counter everyone). yup. had done that", "overnight at some point. at this point i was just", "greatfull to be alive and not drunk.", "to shorten this part up, i chatted to the nurses", "and they basically said i owed about €500. as", "luck would have it i paid for travel insurance", "and the nurses said that we would agree to say i", "just had a stomach bug from the water, otherwise", "if there is alcohol involved they won't pay.", "this ended with me banging on the door of my bros", "hotel room. tears of joy in their eyes, all i", "could say was, \"i need travel insurance, hotel", "documents and out flight ticket home\". those", "words are now legend amongst us.", "that's my tale. sorry if i wrote it like shit of", "if it was boring. it was one of the worst moments", "of my life, no actually the worst (i have had a", "lucky life so far in terms of relatives passing", "etc). and if someone can get a laugh out of it", "and/or learn from it, then it wasn't such a waste", "of time." ]

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