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56613e430901991a77b20835 | My ex-boyfriend wouldn't let me have my daughter because I didn't know my stepdaughter's pick-up details. | I am constantly having problems with the same two people who will always be in my life. I had a daughter with my ex-boyfriend. I am now married, and my husband’s ex-girlfriend is involved with my ex-boyfriend. They also have a daughter together. My issue is that there is always drama. I am pregnant, and I told my ex-boyfriend that I don't want any drama or arguments. I want to get along as much as possible, and he agreed. However, we just had an incident where my ex-boyfriend started discussing drop-off details about my stepdaughter. I told him that he needed to ask my husband because I can't make decisions about my stepdaughter regarding the matter. That led to an argument. I told him all my concern is when I pick up my daughter. My stepdaughter’s pick-up details are between my husband and his ex-girlfriend. I especially told him I didn't want to be involved. Somehow, he turned it around and then wanted to change the schedule we agreed on. He threatened me and got ugly because I wouldn’t discuss my stepdaughter’s matters with him.
The point is there is so much drama. I try my best to get along with everyone. I don't understand where I went wrong (besides replying back to his question). I feel like I'm going crazy because this is a constant battle where everyone’s frustrations are taken out on each other, and it's the children that are hurting. I had a party planned for my daughter’s birthday, and my ex-boyfriend told me to cancel those plans because he wouldn’t let me have her. In my eyes, it’s the child that is hurting. I was throwing a party for her birthday, and because of the problem with stupid pick-up details about my stepdaughter, which I have no control over, he took it out on our daughter. | https://counselchat.com/questions/my-ex-boyfriend-wouldn-t-let-me-have-my-daughter-because-i-didn-t-know-my-stepdaughter-s-pick-up-details | Family Conflict,Relationships,Marriage | Lynda Martens | https://counselchat.com/therapists/ms-lynda-martens-london-ontario | <p>Hi. I appreciate your mature instincts and strong efforts to draw clear boundaries in this very complex situation. I agree that it sounds like the adult drama is unnecessary and potentially will affect the children. Children need adults around them to act maturely, cooperatively and peacefully even when they don't like each other; it helps them feel secure and lets them focus on learning and growing. Your ex-boyfriend seems more focused on his own needs. In fact, he demonstrates behaviours that are aggressive, controlling and manipulative, bordering on 'parental alienation'. I agree this is a problem.</p><p>I also appreciate how protective you are of yourself at this vulnerable time with the pregnancy. It's not unusual for pregnancy to trigger a need to conserve energy and reduce stress. Honour this instinct you have. </p><p>I will suggest a few things to you. First, to gather support around you, professionally if you need it, from family and friends, and certainly from your husband. If you two are on the same page regarding the children issues and your ex, that will help. He can help run interference when it comes to his daughter. It will help you feel supported.</p><p>Know that your ex's behaviours aren't happening because you did anything wrong; it's the way he operates (and maybe this is why you're not with him?). You can't change him, but you can stop blaming yourself for his immaturity and aggression. You're correct that he will always be there, and you can both accept this fact and also find ways to manage the situation.</p><p>Keep on defining clear boundaries! You might sound like a broken record ("You'll have to talk to my husband about that"), but that's okay. It's okay to ignore his efforts to pull you into an argument or power struggle. It's okay to not respond to texts or other communications that aren't vitally important. It's okay to not let him into your house if it makes you uncomfortable. It's okay to not engage with him more than is necessary.</p><p>Regarding his manipulative behaviours that reflect a tendency to keep your daughter from you, I recommend you document these behaviours and incidents carefully and fully. Let him know what your expectations are, simply and clearly and in writing ("our agreement states X, and you are not following our agreement"). Your daughter doesn't have to be aware; I think you already understand that she needs to be protected from the adult conflict.</p><p>A professional therapist can help you with all of this. I hope this helps get you started towards greater peace, at least within yourself. :)</p><p><br></p> | 0 |
5661253f0901991a77b20832 | I'm older and just experienced heartbreak. | After 25 years, I fell in love for the first time. The person acted for a week and left me without even saying goodbye. My heart is burning, and I can't take this pain. | https://counselchat.com/questions/i-m-older-and-just-experienced-heartbreak | Relationships | Lynda Martens | https://counselchat.com/therapists/ms-lynda-martens-london-ontario | <p>Hi, San Diego. I'm sad that this was your first experience (in 25 years) with feeling in love. You deserve better. My understanding of today's (western?) social cultural norms is that it is somehow acceptable to abruptly stop communicating with someone you've been seeing, without explanation. I don't get it. It's rude. You're better off without this person around. There are still people who operate with respect, but this person isn't one of them.</p><p><span style="line-height: 1.42857;">If I'm reading this right, you knew this person for a week? In my humble opinion, much heartache and many poor relationships come from attaching too soon. It takes years to get to know someone deeply. I know it's hard to keep yourself from falling in love, but you owe it to your heart to take these things more slowly, because everyone puts their best self forward at the beginning and it takes time for that to relax and for you to see who they are when times are tougher and real stuff happens.</span><br></p><p>If I was your therapist, I'd be curious about how this is the first time you've fallen in love? Or is it that you were in love 25 years ago? Was your heart broken then, or did something encourage your heart to close? What has kept you from either meeting people or letting yourself fall in love until now? Is there a danger that you will decide love isn't worth the risk? This is a crucial time for you to potentially seek professional support from a therapist in order to understand yourself and not shut down, if that's what happened before. :)<br></p> | 0 |
566084e30901991a77b20802 | I'm with someone, but I have unresolved feelings for my ex-boyfriend. | Every once and a while, I think about my ex-boyfriend from four years ago, and my current friend. It’s like I can't get past it, and I need some kind of closure. I keep thinking about how we had something, but it got cut off due to parental intervention. Nothing was ever wrong with it. Now we've become friends, but there's this huge sexual tension between us, or at least I feel it when we're physically in the same place.
Two summers ago, we saw each other casually for a while, but we never had sex then or while we were dating, which was only for two months three years ago. I'm now in my 20s, and my current boyfriend is amazing and in his 30s. Despite the age difference, I know we're a really good match. We've never really fought and are able to make compromises and talk everything out. I tell him everything. Also, my ex-boyfriend has a girlfriend now as well. He’s been seeing her on and off for the past two and a half years, besides when they broke up and we had our casual thing. That summer, I told him I didn't want anything serious and broke it off. Only a week later, he had gotten back together with his girlfriend. His girlfriend is kind of mean spirited. I'm sure she may be different around him, but I worry about him committing to her in the long run. They're supposed to move in together soon. But still, I feel this connection with my ex-boyfriend, and I feel like he does too.
I don't know what to do. I need some closure or I'm not going to be able to move on from this. I don't know what it is, but it's driving me crazy. I’m so happy with my current boyfriend, and I know he will do everything in his power to make my life beautiful and fulfilling. He’s such a good person. I also know my ex-boyfriend smokes marijuana and does other things, but I can't get it out of my head. I'm trying to take a nap right now between classes, but I can't sleep because my mind is racing. I've never been so hung up on something for this long ever.
I want to just talk it out with my ex-boyfriend, but I don't know if that's a good idea because of the possibility that it could blow up in my face. If he told his girlfriend, everything could go wrong because she hates me. If my current boyfriend knew, he would be crushed. On one hand, I want my ex-boyfriend to say no to having feelings for me, but I would be terrified of what to do if he said he has feelings too. Where would I go from there? On the other hand, I feel like I can't move forward in my relationship with my current boyfriend without closure from this. Sometimes I wish I could just cut off everything that had to do with my ex, but I don't want to.
Please help me, because I really have no idea what to do. | https://counselchat.com/questions/i-m-with-someone-but-i-have-unresolved-feelings-for-my-ex-boyfriend | Relationships | Lynda Martens | https://counselchat.com/therapists/ms-lynda-martens-london-ontario | <p>If you're in a relationship and you're having strong thoughts about someone else, it's important to pay attention to that. Although you say you're happy, I'd suggest looking really carefully at the relationship you have and whether you're getting everything you need. Is there a physical connection with your ex that you don't have with your current boyfriend? It could be that your boyfriend is marvelous in many areas, but that you just don't feel excited about him for some reason. That's a pretty important element to be missing.</p><p>It may be that, even if you are happy with your current boyfriend, you still hold something special for your ex. If you feel the need to see what is possible there, I think you have to tell your boyfriend about that and end it with him first. You can't have everything.</p><p>If you truly feel that you want to be with your current boyfriend, you will do well to stop thinking about and focusing on your ex, because thoughts of him will interfere with the growth of your current relationship. The grass isn't greener... A therapist can help you to focus your energies and thoughts on the present, rather than an imagined version of the past or future.</p> | 0 |
565f1cc70901991a77b207ec | My husband and I can’t talk to each other without arguing. | Every time I speak, he says I anger him. Also, when he’s mad at something, like work, he gets angry at me. I feel like we’re so distant from each other now. We used to laugh all the time, and I feel like he lets too much negativity in. What should I do? We've been married for two years but together for seven. | https://counselchat.com/questions/my-husband-and-i-can-t-talk-to-each-other-without-arguing | Marriage,Anger Management | Lynda Martens | https://counselchat.com/therapists/ms-lynda-martens-london-ontario | <p>Hi, Newark. It sounds to me like your husband is going through something, and I think you understand that. You might feel very helpless, sad, and disrespected at the same time. He's changed. </p><p>It's unfair for him to blame you for his emotions. His mood issues are about him, not you, and he's either not recognising that or not taking responsibility for it. <span style="line-height: 1.42857;">Are you respecting yourself here by drawing appropriate boundaries? You can let him know when you feel disrespected, and what's not okay with you.</span></p><p><span style="line-height: 1.42857;">He may be experiencing depression, which often shows up as irritability in men. It could be that he's not telling you something, or he's unaware of his emotional processes. You can try a "I'm really worried about you. You don't seem happy and I don't know how to help you. Some things are happening that aren't okay with me. Will you see a therapist?" approach. Perhaps you could go with him the first time? </span></p><p> It's about a combination of compassion, self-respect and seeking professional help, I believe. I wish you well. </p> | 0 |
5664becd0901991a77b20887 | How can I help my kids get along? | For the last year, my adolescent son and daughter have been driving me nuts with fighting. I'm at my wits end. How can I get them to stop and get along? | https://counselchat.com/questions/how-can-i-help-my-kids-get-along | Parenting | Nat Roman | https://counselchat.com/therapists/nat-roman-toronto | <p>That is a good question. Unfortunately there is no generic answer with this one. Kids fight for different reasons - wanting attention, wanting respect, feeling jealous, wanting space and to be left alone, or a whole bunch of other reasons. Regardless of the underlying motivations for fighting, most conflicts result from misunderstandings and assumptions about the motivations of others and one of the best ways to start figuring out what is going on is to sit them down and have some conversations with them. </p><p>These conversations should be centred on getting a better understanding of why they are angry with each other and really understanding them. It is important that they each know that you are committed to understanding their experience rather than simply sitting them down and lecturing them about what they are doing wrong. The more they are able to understand each other and feel understood the more likely they will be cooperative and considerate of each other. </p><p>One exercise for doing this that can be very helpful is "active listening" where one person speaks and the other person reflects back what they heard the other person say and then checks for understanding. This is hard to do but it often illuminates where the misunderstandings and assumptions are. If this doesn't work it may be time to get a <a href="https://nat-roman.squarespace.com/config#/pages|/therapy-counselling-psychotherapy/couples-therapy-marriage-counselling">family therapist </a>or counsellor involved who can help facilitate dialogue and resolve conflict. </p> | 0 |
5664cec20901991a77b2088e | I lie to my mom about my relationship. | I use to be so happy. No matter what, I always was happy. I got into a relationship with this guy. I love him so much. We’re both teenagers. The week after his birthday, my mom made me stop talking to him. It broke me. He came to my house and talked to her, and she let us date again but not see each other. He comes up to my school every day and it tears me apart that I have to lie to her. | https://counselchat.com/questions/i-lie-to-my-mom-about-my-relationship | Relationships,Family Conflict | Kathryn Clapp | https://counselchat.com/therapists/kathryn-clapp | <p>I understand that this can be difficult when you care about someone. Have you had a discussion with your mom as to why she does not want you and this boy to see each other, and what her concerns are? It sounds as though you and your mom may be able to use some help with communicating, and compromising. It is understandable that you do not to feel comfortable having to lie to your mom. It would be helpful if she could understand that you having to lie to he is getting in the way of you being able to go to her with any issue and feel she will hopefully understand or try to understand where you are coming from. Have either one of you been in family therapy? This may be something you may want to suggest to your mom to help you both understand where each one is coming from. If your mood is sad, and your feeling worse, it is important that you reach out to an adult, parent, person at school whom you trust to share your feelings and help you feel understood and work through your problems.</p> | 0 |
5664c2030901991a77b20889 | My husband seems to be changing, and I feel angry and hurt. | My husband took a job out of state for the next year and seems to be a different person. Before, he worked and slept, and on off days, he'd stay home because he didn't want to do anything else. Now he's going out with friends several nights a week while I'm still home working a 50 hours a week job and taking care of two kids by myself. He's suddenly saying he misses me and wants me to be his adored wife, but the whole time, I'm remembering how I've been emotionally starving for the last five years. | https://counselchat.com/questions/my-husband-seems-to-be-changing-and-i-feel-angry-and-hurt | Marriage | Kathryn Clapp | https://counselchat.com/therapists/kathryn-clapp | <p>It seems that you have been very disconnected from each other which naturally could contribute to symptoms of saddness and even depression. Obviously something has shifted which you do not understand. Therefore, perhaps you should consider attending Couples therapy to help work through your concerns and feelings? It would also be beneficial to assess if in fact any depression or other underlying issue is going on. Communication is so important in any relationship and the manner in which we express ourselves to our partner can either invite curiosity and emotional connection, or shut down connection. IMAGO dialoguing is a helpful tool for couples for communication as it teaches validating and empathic listening to better heal disconnection. </p> | 0 |
565d29bd0901991a77b207d5 | Is it normal for a pregnant woman to cry over everything? | I find myself crying over every little thing, like dropping a glass of water. Today, I got out of the shower and noticed that I had forgotten a shirt. I instantly started to cry. When I made it to my room, I began to shake a little, cry more, and I begged for it to stop. | https://counselchat.com/questions/is-it-normal-for-a-pregnant-woman-to-cry-over-everything | null | Claudia Higgins | https://counselchat.com/therapists/claudia-higgins | <p>It is very typical for pregnant moms to feel completely emotionally and extremely teary eyed, so not to worry. Biologically speaking, your body generates an influx of hormones, that affects you neurotransmitters (chemical messages to the brain) that takes you on an emotional rollercoaster, but that's a good thing for the baby. Everyone reponds differently to these changes in mood, ranging from being <span style="line-height: 1.42857;">anxious to being depressed. However it is mostly heightened in the first and third trimester. There is no guide as to how to handle these emotions, but engaging in various sensory activities like walking, yoga, swimming, listening to music may alleviate your mood. Embrace the emotions that go along with pregnancy and know that it is within the norm.</span></p> | 0 |
566853241678044a13a77708 | What can I do to keep my relationship as good as it could be? | My long-distance girlfriend is in a sorority, and it's changing her. I feel like I'm becoming less important to her and it hurts. She just wants me to support the sorority, but it's so hard. I try every day to show her she's the most important thing to me, but she can't even stay relatively sober at a fraternity party for me so that I won't worry about her doing anything regretful. We love each other, but we're in a rough patch. | https://counselchat.com/questions/what-can-i-do-to-keep-my-relationship-as-good-as-it-could-be | Relationships | Sherry Katz, LCSW | https://counselchat.com/therapists/sherry-katz-lcsw | <p>You may already be doing as much as possible for your relationship.</p><p>Each of you are 50% of the relationship.</p><p>Is the 50% which your GF contributes to your relationship, based on the same understanding of the couple's problem, as you have?</p><p>Maybe a good starting place for the two of you to talk about is defining what problem the two of you have as a couple.</p><p>This way, each of you will be able to know if you have similar values and definitions of your reasons for being together.</p><p>Depending on what you each expect from your partnership, you each will clearly know whether, and then how, to accommodate the other person.</p><p>These discussions stir a lot of emotions in each person, so that sometimes staying clear minded becomes very difficult. You both will likely feel like talking about these matters more than one time.</p><p>Consider utilizing a professional, credentialed and licensed therapist who would help the two of you stay on track with examine your emotional connections in a fair and safe way.</p><p>Good luck with understanding and appreciating your relationship!</p><p><br></p> | 0 |
5667af6f1678044a13a77703 | My husband works all the time and neglects his family. | My husband always works. He does work from home, but his hours are from morning until night, and he neglects his family. If I have anything I want to do, I have to find a babysitter, but he does what he wants. He rarely comes to bed when I do, and we never have date nights. | https://counselchat.com/questions/my-husband-works-all-the-time-and-neglects-his-family | Marriage,Intimacy | Sherry Katz, LCSW | https://counselchat.com/therapists/sherry-katz-lcsw | <p>I'm glad you're aware to expect more satisfaction from being part of a couple, than you currently describe yourself as having.</p><p>Are you and your husband able to talk about any or all of what you've written here?</p><p>His answers would be a starting point for knowing how he understands his share of your relationship and whether and how he would like making any changes.</p><p>If the two of you feel too much tension in the relationship to bring up any of the topics you write about here, then ask yourself the reason for this.</p><p>Very commonly, people are afraid to ask questions of their partner, even when feeling unhappy and that they'd like changes to the relationship.</p><p>Often, people are fearful of harsh criticism by the partner and worry that by simply stating the reasons for feeling unhappy, will mean hearing judgments against them, spoken by the partner.</p><p>It is always a good idea to utilize the services of a professional, credentialed and licensed therapist, if after trying to start a conversation on the topics you bring up here, does not go well or very far.</p><p>For all of us, the emotions in our intimate relationships are deep and powerful. They are not easy to handle, especially under tension and frustration.</p><p>Sending lots of good wishes for future happiness!</p> | 0 |
5667ae8b1678044a13a77701 | I always feel the need to tell people everything. | Whenever I don't tell my friends or anyone what I did or stuff that's not really important, I feel terrible, like there’s a hole in my stomach. It only goes away when I hurt myself. | https://counselchat.com/questions/i-always-feel-the-need-to-tell-people-everything | Anxiety,Behavioral Change | Sherry Katz, LCSW | https://counselchat.com/therapists/sherry-katz-lcsw | <p>Sorry to hear of your situation.</p><p>Possibly you are overlooking that your own Self is someone worth talking to as well.</p><p>None of us are ever really alone because we are always with ourselves.</p><p>Self-talk is a major part of what guides our decisions and how we make sense of relationships and situations. Even after telling people the stories or activities, hearing their comments, it is always within ourselves that we decide if the way we were received by these others, the comments we heard back, feel right and accurate to our lives.</p><p>I hope the feeling of a hole in your stomach would decrease by enjoying your Self. I am guessing that hurting yourself makes the stomach hole feel less bad because the physical pain you create in yourself distracts you from feeling it.</p><p>Enjoying your Self by talking kindly, loving, and having inner dialogue may very well decrease the feeling of a hole, altogether.</p><p>Sending lots of good luck!</p> | 0 |
5667af6f1678044a13a77703 | My husband works all the time and neglects his family. | My husband always works. He does work from home, but his hours are from morning until night, and he neglects his family. If I have anything I want to do, I have to find a babysitter, but he does what he wants. He rarely comes to bed when I do, and we never have date nights. | https://counselchat.com/questions/my-husband-works-all-the-time-and-neglects-his-family | Marriage,Intimacy | Lynda Martens | https://counselchat.com/therapists/ms-lynda-martens-london-ontario | <p>Hi Ohio, The crazy things about situations like this is that, almost guaranteed, while your husband is out working and away from home, he feels he's doing it all for you and the kids; he believes he's loving you. He might feel like he's carrying his family on his shoulders. Your 'love language' is different...you'd rather spend time with him or talk to him...you want to feel like he's a bigger part of the family and feel connected to him. I absolutely understand that, and I support you asking for that.</p><p>He might very well miss that feeling of connectedness too, but he's likely also feeling the weight of financial responsibility. A lot of men (and women) don't talk about this but they feel it. Sometimes they feel like they can't win either way; there's pressure to earn and pressure to be home.<span style="line-height: 1.42857;"> </span><span style="line-height: 1.42857;">He has needs too; he probably wants more appreciation and less blame. </span></p><p><span style="line-height: 1.42857;">I urge you to talk to him about how you feel, find out how he's feeling, and use a professional to assist you if your communication styles aren't great. Right now you WANT to spend time with him and that tells me that you have a good chance of addressing this problem successfully.</span></p> | 0 |
5667ae8b1678044a13a77701 | I always feel the need to tell people everything. | Whenever I don't tell my friends or anyone what I did or stuff that's not really important, I feel terrible, like there’s a hole in my stomach. It only goes away when I hurt myself. | https://counselchat.com/questions/i-always-feel-the-need-to-tell-people-everything | Anxiety,Behavioral Change | Lynda Martens | https://counselchat.com/therapists/ms-lynda-martens-london-ontario | <p>Hi Kansas, I feel strongly that the help of a professional therapist is important here. Feelings are never wrong, but it can help to understand where they come from and talk to someone who can teach you healthy ways to cope. Self-harm is not the answer to managing those emotions you feel in your stomach. Although I'm glad you said something here, a professional would need to spend some time with you and get a deep understanding of your life in order to help you sort all these reactions out effectively. I hope you reach out to someone soon. </p> | 0 |
5667b0d71678044a13a77704 | Can a mental breakdown last 10-15 minutes? | null | https://counselchat.com/questions/can-a-mental-breakdown-last-10-15-minutes | Depression,Anxiety | Lynda Martens | https://counselchat.com/therapists/ms-lynda-martens-london-ontario | <p>I'm not quite sure what you're asking, because you don't define 'breakdown'. We all fall apart in little ways, and then we get to put ourselves back together however we want. Feelings come and go, and they pass through us more quickly if we have coping skills and healthy thought processes. If you're concerned about some intense periods of despair or you feel like you don't have those coping skills, a bit of work with a therapist can help you.</p> | 0 |
5667a4b11678044a13a776ff | I have the perfect guy, but I'm not attracted to him. | I'm in a long-distance relationship with my ideal man, but I'm not as attracted to him as I should be. Everything else is perfect about him, but I find myself lusting over more attractive men. The next step is marriage, but I want to marry someone who I can wake up to and fall in love with all over again. However, I also don't want to throw away a great relationship over what might just be lust. Am I asking for too much in the "perfect guy"? Is there such a thing? Am I truly in love? | https://counselchat.com/questions/i-have-the-perfect-guy-but-i-m-not-attracted-to-him | Relationships | Sherry Katz, LCSW | https://counselchat.com/therapists/sherry-katz-lcsw | <p>The basic guideline for relationship satisfaction, is to know what you can and cannot live with and without. And, since you are considering marriage, for how long do you imagine yourself being satisfied living with and without certain qualities of your partner.</p><p>There is a hard wired dynamic between two people that defines the basic structure of the relationship.</p><p>While life is filled with surprises and can change in an instant, the basic way in which the partners of a couple, connect.</p><p>Do you understand why you are not attracted to your partner? </p><p>Whatever the reason, now is a good time to state this about yourself. </p><p>He may be quite willing and interested in developing new ways of sexually stimulating you. </p><p>Maybe he is just as shy about talking about this topic as you are. On some level he must know that he doesn't satisfy you. He may be relieved to hear you bring up the topic!</p><p>As always, remember that if discussing a relationship matter feel hard to start, consider utilizing therapy services with a professional, credentialed and licensed therapist.</p> | 0 |
56679fa51678044a13a776fb | What can I do when I can’t stand being alone? | I have no real friends. I have a girlfriend who irritates me but loves me to death. I push her away and pushes me away. We’re going through a breakup, and I have nobody. | https://counselchat.com/questions/what-can-i-do-when-i-can-t-stand-being-alone | Relationships,Depression | Sherry Katz, LCSW | https://counselchat.com/therapists/sherry-katz-lcsw | <div>Having time all to yourself may be necessary so you have time to reflect on your own identity and values, become more clear on what matters most to you, and with this increased self-understanding, be able to attract people who will feel like satisfying friends.</div><div><br></div><div>Having a relationship with someone whom you push away and are pushed away, with someone who is irritating, seems to have limited benefit for each of you.</div><div><br></div><div>Maybe you are together from fear of being alone, and being alone is exactly what you may now need in your life in order to draw more favorable people to you.</div><div><br></div> | 0 |
5667510b1678044a13a776f1 | How can I get some closure on an experience I regret? | Back in high school, my friend and I used to masturbate around each other. I hate even talking about it now because it's so weird. We didn't even realize how messed up it was at the time. One time, it escalated and we ended up doing it for each other. It wasn't supposed to be a gay thing, but it sure sounds like it now that I talk about it. I pushed this away until it recently came up in my head again. I'm having a lot of trouble. | https://counselchat.com/questions/how-can-i-get-some-closure-on-an-experience-i-regret | Human Sexuality,Social Relationships | Sherry Katz, LCSW | https://counselchat.com/therapists/sherry-katz-lcsw | <p>Writing about your high school masturbation times with your friend, is itself a form of acknowledging the full picture of who you are. </p><p>You are doing well to reflect on your actions in the truthful way you are doing.</p><p>Also positive is that you have perspective, that at your age and social maturity, you were innocently doing something that in adult terms, would be considered in a negative way.</p><p>Maybe through your more mature mind's eye of today, you can feel some compassion and understanding for your high school self. This way your sense of self-judgment may start to dissolve a little bit more.</p> | 0 |
56610e0b0901991a77b2082b | I feel like I'm this dumb fat girl that no one likes, and everything is my fault. Are these normal teenage girl feelings? | Everyone around me is much smarter and flaunts it. Everyone around me is skinny, and here I am trying to throw up so I'm not fat. Everything I do is wrong, and I can't seem to do anything right! No one else at school seems to feel the way I do! Is this normal teenage girls feelings? I don't think these feelings are normal. | https://counselchat.com/questions/i-feel-like-i-m-this-dumb-fat-girl-that-no-one-likes-and-everything-is-my-fault-are-these-normal-teenage-girl-feelings | Self-esteem,Eating Disorders | Natalie Rosado, MA, LMHC | https://counselchat.com/therapists/natalie-rosado-ma-lmhc | <p>There are some struggles that are less "obvious" than others, an eating disorder being one of them. From just your personal experience alone you might realize how easy it may seem to keep such a secret from those around you. In the same way, there are many people who struggle secretly with this problem and not many people know or even notice. So you are definitely not alone. Low self-esteem or lack of confidence in some areas are issues that EVERY teen, in fact EVERY person, has experienced at some point. These feelings are "normal." It sounds, though, as if these feelings of insecurity and inadequacy have begun to consume your every day thoughts and behaviors bringing you to where you are today - comparing yourself to others, purging, and feeling extreme guilt. Sometimes it's best if we seek outside help, instead of trying to tackle problems on our own. Breaking habits that come along with an eating disorder really requires the help of a doctor, nutritionist, and a therapist who can help change your perspective from the inside out! Hope this helps!<br></p> | 0 |
5667a4b11678044a13a776ff | I have the perfect guy, but I'm not attracted to him. | I'm in a long-distance relationship with my ideal man, but I'm not as attracted to him as I should be. Everything else is perfect about him, but I find myself lusting over more attractive men. The next step is marriage, but I want to marry someone who I can wake up to and fall in love with all over again. However, I also don't want to throw away a great relationship over what might just be lust. Am I asking for too much in the "perfect guy"? Is there such a thing? Am I truly in love? | https://counselchat.com/questions/i-have-the-perfect-guy-but-i-m-not-attracted-to-him | Relationships | Nat Roman | https://counselchat.com/therapists/nat-roman-toronto | <p>Attraction is important but sometimes over-rated. I'm curious about your comment that you are not as attracted as you "should be" - What is your measuring stick is for what you are supposed to feel in terms of attraction in a relationship? Do you want to be sexually intimate? Do you enjoy having sex with him? Are you satisfied with your sexual relationship when you are with him? </p><p>The fact that there is lust for other more attractive men does not necessarily mean anything. There will always be attractive men and more attractive men than your partner and these attractive men will be even more appealing when you are in a long-distance relationship far from the arms of your partner. Loving someone does not mean that you stop being a sexual being who no longer notices and desires attractive men. </p><p>Attraction results from a number of factors beyond appearance - including the degree to which you feel <a href="http://www.coupletherapytoronto.com/therapy-counselling-psychotherapy-resources/articles/these-simple-interactions-predict-lasting-love-or-separation-and-divorce">emotionally open, safe, and connected</a> and how in tune you are with each other's bodies. It sounds like you think very highly of this man "everything else is perfect about him". Maybe it is worth spending some more time together in the same place if that is possible before deciding on marriage or that you are not truly in love. </p> | 0 |
5665c9c20901991a77b208a9 | In the state of New York, is it legal for someone to record a counseling session without telling the counselor or the other person in the session? | null | https://counselchat.com/questions/in-the-state-of-new-york-is-it-legal-for-someone-to-record-a-counseling-session-without-telling-the-counselor-or-the-other-person-in-the-session | Legal & Regulatory | Eric Ström, JD, MA, LMHC | https://counselchat.com/therapists/eric-str-m-jd-ma-lmhc | <p>In New York (like most states), the law generally is what's called a "one-party consent" rule. This means that in most cases it is legal to record a conversation as long as consent has been granted by at least one person involved in the conversation.</p><p>It probably would not be illegal for a client to secretly record a counseling session without the consent of the counselor. Since only one person's consent is required, it would be sufficient that the client consented.</p><p>On the other hand, it would probably be illegal for a third party to record a counseling session without the consent of the counselor or the client.</p><p>Similarly, it would be a violation of ethical standards (and maybe a violation of law) for a counselor to secretly record a session without the client's consent.</p> | 0 |
56663d51f736762c333ec02f | I'm in high school, and I want to be a psychologist. | I just wanted to get to know one so I can hear about their college experience and the courses they took. I also wanted to know if they enjoy their job and how long they were in school. | https://counselchat.com/questions/i-m-in-high-school-and-i-want-to-be-a-psychologist | Career Counseling,Professional Ethics | Eric Ström, JD, MA, LMHC | https://counselchat.com/therapists/eric-str-m-jd-ma-lmhc | It's a great idea for you to reach out to find a psychologist to talk to if this is a field you might be interested in pursuing. <div><br></div><div>Regarding the length of schooling, it generally takes 4 years of college and an additional 4 to 7 years of graduate school to earn a doctorate degree to become a psychologist. </div><div><br></div><div>There are also other similar professions, including counseling that don't require a doctorate degree. Licensed counselors generally completed 4 years of college and an additional 2 years of graduate school. </div><div><br></div><div>If you are thinking about a career in psychology, the local APA chapter would be a good place to start to find a local psychologist to talk to. Here's a link to the NJ APA chapter:</div><div>https://www.psychologynj.org/</div> | 0 |
5668f62a8e6cb9fb4f71a445 | Should I get a new therapist? | I have an eating disorder of binging. I've had gastric sleeve surgery. I need help with issues of abuse as a child, addiction, and abusive men. I have been in therapy for five months and get no feedback from my therapist. | https://counselchat.com/questions/should-i-get-a-new-therapist | Professional Ethics | Eric Ström, JD, MA, LMHC | https://counselchat.com/therapists/eric-str-m-jd-ma-lmhc | <p>It can be really frustrating to feel like your counselor is not providing you with the help you need.</p><p>My recommendation in a situation like this would be to let your counselor know how you feel. Specifically tell Your counselor that you don't seem to be getting the amount of feedback you would like.</p><p>If this doesn't help, then you might want to look for another counselor who will be a better fit for you.</p> | 0 |
566a400f9f3a71de09b3c101 | Is it appropriate to give my counselor a bottle of wine for Christmas? | I am an international student, and it is my first semester in graduate school in the United States. I faced a cultural shock, and I was so depressed when I arrived here. My counselor in the university was my savior. He helped me a great deal. Now I am going back to my country for a vacation. I was thinking to get him something special with my country's name on it, and I remembered that he likes wine. My country is known for that. Is it appropriate to give him wine as a gift after Christmas? | https://counselchat.com/questions/is-it-appropriate-to-give-my-counselor-a-bottle-of-wine-for-christmas | Professional Ethics | Eric Ström, JD, MA, LMHC | https://counselchat.com/therapists/eric-str-m-jd-ma-lmhc | <p>This is a great question.</p><p> In general it is not appropriate for counselors to accept gifts from their clients. </p><p><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;">There are some exceptions to this general rule - including a recognition that there may be a valid cultural aspect to this type of gift giving.</span><br></p><p><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;">It might be best to simply offer your counselor a holiday card as an expression of your feelings. You could also talk to your counselor about the gift and ask if him it if would be appropriate.</span></p><p><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;">In the end, I know he would most appreciate just knowing how much the counseling meant to you.</span></p> | 0 |
566cdab09f3a71de09b3c15a | I think my wife is running from the pain of losing our first born. | My wife is trying to leave. She agreed to come back and give me a little time. Even said she hopes I can do it. We buried our first born in Jan 13 years ago. She never got past it. So every year around this time, she gets emotional and says she doesn't think she loves me, but then we go back to normal. This time, another guy came in and showed her attention. I'll forgive the cheating if she'll come home. | https://counselchat.com/questions/i-think-my-wife-is-running-from-the-pain-of-losing-our-first-born | Marriage,Grief and Loss | Sherry Katz, LCSW | https://counselchat.com/therapists/sherry-katz-lcsw | <p>I'm sorry that you lost your first born child. Death of a child always leaves a permanent reminder to the parents of a very painful time in their lives.</p><p>The good news is your awareness that you and your wife are not connected in a satisfying way.</p><p>There are many possible areas to examine in your relationship as partners and as parents.</p><p>If what you write here are your observations and theories about your wife's outlook and conclusions, then the first step is to directly have conversations together on the topics you write here.</p><p>What needs clarifying is what her reasons are for wanting to leave the marriage.</p><p>Often, a crisis such as a child's death, motivates someone to look deeply into other intimate relationships. </p><p>Keep in mind that looking deeply doesn't necessarily mean leaving the marriage.</p><p>Also, be aware of your own frustrations and marital discontent. Be ready to talk about your feelings and uncertainties.</p><p>There is no such thing as one happy partner in a marriage and one unhappy partner. Each person is part of a system and can only be as satisfied as their partner.</p><p>The conversations that open relationship hurts and disappointments, hold a lot of emotion. They are difficult to keep on track.</p><p>Best recommendation is to find a couples therapist who will be neutral to each of you as individuals, and help both of you examine the true health of the relationship.</p><p><br></p> | 0 |
566b80b09f3a71de09b3c145 | How do I stop obsessively checking if my boyfriend is cheating? | My dad cheated on my mom for 13 years. I cannot stop obsessing over the fact that my boyfriend might be cheating on me even when I know he isn't. I have full access to his phone, social media, and e-mails. I never find anything, but I'm obsessed with constantly checking just in case. How do I stop this? It's driving a wedge between us. | https://counselchat.com/questions/how-do-i-stop-obsessively-checking-if-my-boyfriend-is-cheating | Relationships,Intimacy | Lynda Martens | https://counselchat.com/therapists/ms-lynda-martens-london-ontario | <p>Hi Greenville, I respect that you're owning your own overreactions, and that you want to give your boyfriend the respect he deserves. The truth is that some people cheat, and some don't, and our partners deserve the benefit of the doubt unless they show signs they can't be trusted.</p><p>The answer here is in two different areas. Basically, if you want to feel differently (more trusting, in your case), you look at your thoughts, and your behaviours.</p><p>Your thoughts are stuck... like tires in deep ruts in the road. These thoughts are only habits, they don't reflect the truth. Fear is probably whispering in your ear things like "everyone cheats", or " you're not enough for him". Once you figure out what fear is trying to tell you, picture those words in red next time they come up. Ask yourself what the evidence is that supports that thought (there won't be much...perhaps none), and what is the evidence that doesn't support it (I know lots of good men, I know I deserve love and loyalty, there is no sign of infidelity...). You're learning to refute the thoughts that are connected to the fear. That's the first half. Practise these thoughts.</p><p>The rest of the work is in your behaviours. Act as though you trust him. Force yourself to not check or interrogate, and the less you check, the less obsessive and untrusting you will feel. Acting "as if" something if true strangely helps us believe it.</p><p>It's possible to change the way we think, and this is turn changes the way we feel. Try this to start, and see a therapist for support and cognitive behavioural therapy if you want to dive more deeply into why this is happening and how to stop it. Good luck!</p> | 0 |
566a82089f3a71de09b3c117 | Why am I so nervous talking to people? | Whether it's to a guy or girl, I always feel insecure talking, and I am afraid of embarrassing myself and not being good enough. Even when I am walking, I worry about my appearance and facial expression and such. | https://counselchat.com/questions/why-am-i-so-nervous-talking-to-people | Self-esteem,Social Relationships | Lynda Martens | https://counselchat.com/therapists/ms-lynda-martens-london-ontario | <p>Hi. I'm glad you wrote, because I think a lot of people have this same issue (to different degrees) and we don't talk about it much. You have some social anxiety that is a bit beyond what the average person might feel. Most people have some amount of worry about what others might think of them, and this probably prevents us from making complete fools of ourselves so that's a good thing. But your "alarm system" is out of whack and you are spending too much time worrying about how you come across. As you age you understand this more, and it's true...that other people really aren't thinking about you much or monitoring you at all; they're too busy having the same thoughts you're having! Am I good enough? Do people like me, judge me...think I'm weird? We're all concerned about how we come across far more than how others come across. Like many people, you lack compassion for yourself, acceptance of yourself and confidence in yourself. </p><p>My gut says that these things came from somewhere in your past. Our sensitivities usually come from (as well as genetics) a specific time in our life when we experienced or felt something that was overwhelming and we end up with an alarm system that overreacts at times. Without more details, it's difficult to go further here. I recommend you see a therapist who does cognitive behavioural therapy, which can help you understand the roots of your fears and learn how to manage them more successfully. </p> | 0 |
5668f62a8e6cb9fb4f71a445 | Should I get a new therapist? | I have an eating disorder of binging. I've had gastric sleeve surgery. I need help with issues of abuse as a child, addiction, and abusive men. I have been in therapy for five months and get no feedback from my therapist. | https://counselchat.com/questions/should-i-get-a-new-therapist | Professional Ethics | Lynda Martens | https://counselchat.com/therapists/ms-lynda-martens-london-ontario | <p>Hi Anaheim,</p><p>Relationships with therapists have some things in common with other relationships; they work best if there is dialogue about what your hopes, thoughts, emotions and needs are. Are you letting your therapist know what your goals are? It's okay to say "I'd really like us to focus on this piece", or "I'm looking for specific direction about how to manage this part". Your therapist is wise if they ask questions that determine what your needs are, but they can't read your mind. </p><p>Not every therapist will be a good fit for you. I know I'm not a good fit for everyone I meet. We have different styles; some are more passive and focus on listening. This might be the type of therapist you have. For some people this is what they want, but maybe it's not for you. Maybe you want someone who digs at you more, asks more questions, gives you strategies, lets you know what they think... someone more active. If this is the case, it doesn't mean s/he's a bad therapist...it's just not what you're looking for. </p><p>Sometimes people think they can't end sessions with their therapist; they might be worried about hurt feelings. But, in the end, you don't owe your therapist anything if you feel it's not working or it's not a good match. Just move on and try someone new. Maybe ask them questions first about their style, even. </p><p>Best of luck!</p> | 0 |
56688858c4590e202d3f1f2f | My fiancé is trying to hide that he's texting his ex-girlfriend. | My fiancé doesn't think I trust him because I was cheated on before. However, he hides his phone and has been texting his ex-girlfriend, who he has two kids with. What should I do? | https://counselchat.com/questions/my-fianc-is-trying-to-hide-that-he-s-texting-his-ex-girlfriend | Relationships | Lynda Martens | https://counselchat.com/therapists/ms-lynda-martens-london-ontario | <p>Oh Chino, I only have half the picture here so I will be cautious. There's a chicken and an egg, and I don't know which came first. One thing I see clearly is that your fiance will always have to have communications with his ex, because they have children. Can you accept that? </p><p>When suspicion and insecurity come along, your job is to look at the big picture and the real picture. Is there any real evidence that he is cheating? Remember that texting his ex is not evidence alone if the communications are about the kids. Has he earned your trust? If so, then it's not fair to punish him for the betrayals of others. He's not your ex. Reassure your heart that you are his priority if the larger evidence supports that. </p><p>At the same time, you can let him know what your triggers are. For example, hiding his phone doesn't send you a good message, right? See, this is the chicken and the egg...is he hiding the phone because you've been overreacting when he gets a text? So let him know you won't blow up about him getting a text if he doesn't conceal or password his phone. Transparency helps build trust. You have sensitivities, and it helps you a lot if he's aware of them and willing to try not to do things that trigger fear. </p><p>Let him know when you get scared, and hopefully he'll give you the openness and security you need in order to trust him and act as if you trust him. :)</p> | 0 |
566a400f9f3a71de09b3c101 | Is it appropriate to give my counselor a bottle of wine for Christmas? | I am an international student, and it is my first semester in graduate school in the United States. I faced a cultural shock, and I was so depressed when I arrived here. My counselor in the university was my savior. He helped me a great deal. Now I am going back to my country for a vacation. I was thinking to get him something special with my country's name on it, and I remembered that he likes wine. My country is known for that. Is it appropriate to give him wine as a gift after Christmas? | https://counselchat.com/questions/is-it-appropriate-to-give-my-counselor-a-bottle-of-wine-for-christmas | Professional Ethics | Lynda Martens | https://counselchat.com/therapists/ms-lynda-martens-london-ontario | <p>Hi, </p><p>Different therapists are guided by the ethical guidelines of their own associations or colleges when it comes to receiving gifts, so this may differ a bit from therapist to therapist. It's important to me that I be sensitive to cultural norms, and to my client's needs. In Canada, and the US, it is customary for people to sometimes express gratitude with a small gift, and I have from time to time received small tokens of appreciation because I believe it would be rude to refuse this. It is never necessary to give a therapist a gift, but if you wish to express your gratitude in this way, I don't think it's inappropriate. </p> | 0 |
566cc1449f3a71de09b3c158 | I'm scared to go to a doctor or take anti-depressants. | A friend of mine taking psychology advised I go to my doctor to check if I have major depressive disorder. I'm afraid of the consequences of doing so. If I do become diagnosed with major depressive disorder, won’t that go on my records? I will never be able to become a counselor along with a list of other things I may be prohibited from. I’m also afraid of taking any anti-depressants. This year, my doctor gave me some for a "dislocated hip." I had a severe reaction and passed out moments after taking them. Everyone I know who has taken anti-depressants says it’s a bad idea all around and you’re better getting treatment without them. I’m concerned they might take me to a clinic and force me to take medication because I am unable to make decisions on my own. I’m not really suicidal, but I am not really taking care of myself either. Someone also told me they still use electroshock therapy. I’m not keen on that. I’m wondering if I am better off just getting self-help and working things out on my own. It’s just that I've been an emotional mess since I was in elementary school. I’ve graduated now and tried to stay positive and be happy, but I cannot deny I still am not good. | https://counselchat.com/questions/i-m-scared-to-go-to-a-doctor-or-take-anti-depressants | Depression,Anxiety | Sherry Katz, LCSW | https://counselchat.com/therapists/sherry-katz-lcsw | <p>I admire your courage for stating your view about anti-depressants. Questioning mainstream thinking and being in touch with your own views, are signs of strength and clarity in a person.</p><p>As a therapist, I always tell my patients to avoid anti-depressants.</p><p>Their effectiveness is in suppressing a person's mood and feelings. If someone does not know how they are feeling, then they will have more difficulty in understanding themselves, their uncertainties and hesitations, and overall, how they relate to others and what they expect from others.</p><p>Anti-depressants mask how someone feels.</p><p>In a crisis, temporarily taking anti-depressants may be helpful. If someone is so overwhelmed that they are not functioning, then suppressing unhappy feelings so that the person can get through a day, may be of benefit for a short while.</p><p>Basically, respect and follow your own opinion about anti-depressants. Your view is shared by many. It is a minority opinion, and very valid. </p><p>If you would like to shop for a therapist, ask the person on the phone, what their opinions are about anti-depressants.</p><p>Ideally, you will eventually find a therapist who thinks in a way which is similar to you, or at least similar enough that you will have a sense that you are able to trust working with them on whatever you define as problematic.</p><p>I hope you will have an easy and productive therapist search!</p> | 0 |
566cb30c9f3a71de09b3c156 | I have an old roommate who might be a psychopath. | I was “mentored” by this guy for a few years spiritually. It was okay at times, but other times, it was just weird. I try not to think about it too much, but a lot of manipulation and lying happened, yet no one else really believed me when I told them. It's like he's two different people, and no one else really sees that side of him. I was blamed for a lot of our troubles, and now we don't really talk much. I'm worried because he's in a trusted position of leadership and no one suspects anything. They just think I'm attacking his character. How do I know for sure? | https://counselchat.com/questions/i-have-an-old-roommate-who-might-be-a-psychopath | Social Relationships | Sherry Katz, LCSW | https://counselchat.com/therapists/sherry-katz-lcsw | <p>You may intuitively be sensing what many professionals in the social sciences and psychology have already understood.</p><p>Just Google "psychopaths and leadership" and many articles come up about boardroom politics and that psychopaths are very successful in these roles.</p><p>Theoretically, is it terrible that corporate leadership qualities match those of psychopaths? </p><p>Well, yes. </p><p>And, I consider your question as a mark of your sensitive awareness toward other people. Being able to recognize social dynamics, is a strength that you have.</p><p>Psychopaths know how to be charming and to twist words so that others believe that their own interest is the same as the psychopath's.</p><p>I agree with you about not being able to change people's minds who are attached to this person's interactions.</p><p>The only way you can introduce a change in the relationship system of a psychopath is that if you are aware of illegal or law breaking activity, and you have evidence of this, that you contact relevant authorities.</p><p>No one is allowed to break laws, including psychopaths.</p> | 0 |
566f16929f3a71de09b3c19f | How can I control my anger? | When I see something I don’t like, I go off like a ticking time bomb. I go from “0 to 100” really quickly. | https://counselchat.com/questions/how-can-i-control-my-anger-2 | Anger Management | Margaret Van Ackeren | https://counselchat.com/therapists/margaret-van-ackeren-yorba-linda | <p>Sometimes we react to situations immediately, without thinking of the consequences of our actions. Typically by not reacting right away, we are better able to gather our thoughts, see the situation more clearly and from other perspectives, and respond more calmly. One of the strategies that almost always helps is deep breathing. When faced with a stressful situation, you can give yourself a time out by removing yourself from the stress and spend 5 minutes taking deep breaths (breathe in slowly counting to 4 and breathe out even slower counting to 6), while focusing and thinking only about your breathing. After doing so, think of the various ways you can respond to the situation and choose the one most appropriate. Good luck!<br></p> | 0 |
566e83819f3a71de09b3c199 | My ex-boyfriend is with someone new, and it hurts. | I just got out of a two year relationship. I broke up with my boyfriend because he wasn't showing any affection at all. He was talking to other women and lying about it. It pushed me away and hurt me, but I'm still in love with him. A couple days after our breakup, he was talking to someone new. He told me he wasn't sure if he loved me. I cried for several days, lost my appetite, and couldn't sleep. Our whole relationship was only us. We didn't have friends. It was me and him against the world. We didn't talk to anyone else because we only wanted to talk to each other. We hung out constantly and Skyped to sleep every single night. Then, when I cut myself, we talked on Skype. He cried and told me "I'm still in love with you, I never stopped loving you," and I cried tears of joy. I asked multiple times if he loved me and asked to make sure he wasn't just saying that because of me being so depressed. He promised and assured me he loved me. He came over after that, and we had sex because he wanted to. He went the home that night and told me he didn't love me, and he lied because he was scared. He told me I wasn't attractive, I wasn’t beautiful to him, and that I changed. He also told me he was 100% sure he'd never love me again. I'm still in love with him. Why do I love him? How do I stop? Just knowing that someone else is with him hurts me. That I wasn't good enough and that I'm no longer beautiful hurts me. I think I need a therapist, but don't know if I should. | https://counselchat.com/questions/my-ex-boyfriend-is-with-someone-new-and-it-hurts | Depression,Relationships | Margaret Van Ackeren | https://counselchat.com/therapists/margaret-van-ackeren-yorba-linda | <p>I am very sorry for the pain you are suffering. Losing the most significant person in your life is extremely painful and breakups are often equated to a death. There will certainly be a grieving process that you go through and time passing will allow the hurt to subside. With that being said, seeing a therapist is highly recommended as it sounds like continuous support may be necessary for healing to take place. Anytime sadness causes thoughts of suicide or self harm, it is important to get help immediately. A therapist can help you by validating your feelings and what you are going through, while also working with you to move through the grieving process, adopt new hobbies, social outlets, and goals for your future. While starting over and trying out new ways of being may seem like a daunting task, it will only make things easier and give you a sense of hope and purpose for your future. With the new year right around the corner, this could be viewed as a good time and opportunity to get reaquainted with yourself and set goals related to living a more fullfilling life. Hang in there. With a support system in place and a healthy mindset, things can only get easier. Best of luck to you! <br></p> | 0 |
566e610b9f3a71de09b3c197 | How can I have a better relationship with my father? | I am always arguing with my father. He gets stressed over work and health and talks to me in a tone of voice that seems very demanding and seems more like yelling. I get upset often at this. Am I too sensitive? He always says I am overreacting but never seems to understand that he is hurting my feelings. No matter how often I try to tell him this, he never listens. | https://counselchat.com/questions/how-can-i-have-a-better-relationship-with-my-father | Family Conflict | Margaret Van Ackeren | https://counselchat.com/therapists/margaret-van-ackeren-yorba-linda | <p>Thanks for the question. Regardless of whether or not you are sensitive, it is okay to want better communication with those who are important to you. When we feel that we are being talked down to or being ridiculed, it is difficult to not take it personally. It sounds like you have taken the first and necessary step in resolving this by bringing up the issue to him. Is it possible that the delivery of your message is causing him to feel blamed or defensive? Try communicating with him during a time when you are not upset and when it is out of context. Begin your statements with "I" as opposed to "you." For example, you can tell him, "I feel angry when you raise your voice at me" instead of "You always yell at me." Also, avoid using black and white terms such as never and always. Additionally, offer sugggestions as to ways that he can better communicate with you. Maybe he just doesn't know how to. Lastly, when delivering a message, I like to use the sandwich method by starting off the discussion with something postive and ending it with something postive. For example, you may say something to the effect of:</p><p>"Dad, I enjoy the discussions we share and really value your opinion. There are times that I feel angry when you talk to me aggressively. Perhaps you can try talking to me using a calmer tone when I bring up heated topics. Let's try and work on this together. I will try to be less sensitive and I am asking that you be more calm."</p><p>I hope you find this useful!<br></p> | 0 |
5667a4b11678044a13a776ff | I have the perfect guy, but I'm not attracted to him. | I'm in a long-distance relationship with my ideal man, but I'm not as attracted to him as I should be. Everything else is perfect about him, but I find myself lusting over more attractive men. The next step is marriage, but I want to marry someone who I can wake up to and fall in love with all over again. However, I also don't want to throw away a great relationship over what might just be lust. Am I asking for too much in the "perfect guy"? Is there such a thing? Am I truly in love? | https://counselchat.com/questions/i-have-the-perfect-guy-but-i-m-not-attracted-to-him | Relationships | Lynda Martens | https://counselchat.com/therapists/ms-lynda-martens-london-ontario | <p>Hi Montgomery, </p><p>Your first sentence says it all. He might be an amazing person, but there's something missing for you. I'm curious...you say this is a long distance relationship. Did you make a connection through social media or email first? Maybe a dating website? I'm just wondering if this is the case. These modern ways of meeting people are awesome because we can be exposed to a wide variety of people who we never would meet in the grocery store or a friend's party. There are complications, though, and one of the drawbacks is you can feel very connected to someone and care about them a great deal before you ever meet them in person. Then, when you finally meet them and there isn't that spark of magnetic physical attraction, you're in a bit of a difficult spot because you've already established that you're drawn to each other in other ways; you're already connected. It can be very awkward then to say "Now that I meet you, it doesn't feel the way it should for me". In the future, I suggest meeting up in person early on, to answer that crucial question "Are we physically attracted to each other?". Clearly, this is not only important for you, but it is for most of us.</p><p>My guess is that you feel you owe this man your affection and commitment even though you're not really all that into him (lusting after other men is a sign of that), because you like absolutely everything else about him. But honesty is crucial here, both with yourself and this man. Just because you don't find yourself attracted to him doesn't mean that you're a bad person, or that he's not attractive. Someone else might drool over him and I think he deserves someone who does just that. You can have both love and lust. For most people, only one of them isn't enough.</p><p><br></p><p><br></p> | 0 |
5671bc451c0ef037212236f7 | My husband doesn't trust me. | My husband doesn’t trust me for some past we had. I know all marriages have their ups and downs, but sometimes, I feel I am getting tired of the same thing over and over: that I am messing around, which I am not. | https://counselchat.com/questions/my-husband-doesn-t-trust-me | Marriage | Lynda Martens | https://counselchat.com/therapists/ms-lynda-martens-london-ontario | <p>Hi Louisiana,</p><p>It's normal when trust has been broken in the past for fear and insecurities to come up from time to time. His reactions may not mean that he doesn't trust you, but rather that he gets scared that he's going to be hurt again. </p><p>You're a bit vague about the past. You don't say whether you cheated or not. If you did, then you might try taking an approach where you a) take responsibility for your past actions, b) show an understanding of and compassion for his pain about that, c) do everything you can to demonstrate trust and show that he is your priority, and d) reassure him when he says he's scared or feeling insecure. I'm suggesting that part of healing is you having tolerance of his emotions and demonstrating that you're so confident you can be faithful that you can handle his moments of fear. This is what he and the marriage need in order to heal from the attachment injury.</p><p>Part of the issue might be that when he brings it up, he's coming across as angry, accusing or suspicious, rather than scared and insecure. This often happens. A therapist can help both of you understand that fear is behind the anger, and it works best if he shows you his vulnerable emotions rather than the anger (which is also natural, but less helpful in those moments), and then you can more easily recognise the cue for you to reassure him. </p><p>As much as you want to forget about it, he might need to talk about it sometimes, and that's normal. His needs are important. Also important, however, is your need for respect. If he approaches it in a disrespectful way, that's a separate problem. If it's brought up as a weapon, used to shut you down, or used to control or punish, those are unhealthy ways of dealing with past hurts. You can both offer compassion to him and use your sense of boundaries to protect yourself from being flogged with the past.</p><p>A qualified therapist can help you sort through this trick territory. Best of luck.</p> | 0 |
5670b5124c6f6bda188fb893 | How can I stop abusing alcohol? | I have bipolar II disorder, I'm addicted to alcohol and weed, and I'm hopeless. I keep drinking even though it's harming myself and others. | https://counselchat.com/questions/how-can-i-stop-abusing-alcohol | Addiction,Substance Abuse | Margaret Van Ackeren | https://counselchat.com/therapists/margaret-van-ackeren-yorba-linda | <p>You may feel hopeless but YOU are not hopeless. Addictions of any sort are difficult to overcome, especially when they serve to bury pain and suffering that one is experiencing. It is not impossible to overcome alcohol or drug use/abuse/dependence on your own, but you will likely find much greater success with the help of a therapist or other support system such as rehabilitation or Alcoholics Anonymous. I suggest doing a bit of research to see what type of help is available and feasible for you in your area and go from there. Know that recovery takes time, willingness, and effort. Don't give up and remember that you are not hopeless. You can make the choice to change your habits and learn new ways of healthy coping. Best of luck to you!<br></p> | 0 |
5671bc451c0ef037212236f7 | My husband doesn't trust me. | My husband doesn’t trust me for some past we had. I know all marriages have their ups and downs, but sometimes, I feel I am getting tired of the same thing over and over: that I am messing around, which I am not. | https://counselchat.com/questions/my-husband-doesn-t-trust-me | Marriage | Margaret Van Ackeren | https://counselchat.com/therapists/margaret-van-ackeren-yorba-linda | <p>It is incredibly frustrating to not be trusted when you know you are doing nothing wrong. If the lack of trust on your husband's end has to do with something you did in the past, then be patient and give it time. Once trust is broken it takes time and effort to gain it back. Try seeing the situation from your husband's perspective, as often times looking at situations from different angles, gives us new understanding and insight. Remember that you can't change how he feels, but you can help him to regain the trust by asking him what he needs and responding to his needs as best you can. Seeing a couple's counselor is never a bad idea and it would also be beneficial for you and or/your husband to seek out individual therapy. There may be other unknown factors that you are unaware of that are contributing to the trust issues and inability to resolve them. Hope everything works out for you!<br></p> | 0 |
567082c85bb022840f42baf4 | How do I find myself? | I don't know what to say. I have never really known who I am. | https://counselchat.com/questions/how-do-i-find-myself | Spirituality | Margaret Van Ackeren | https://counselchat.com/therapists/margaret-van-ackeren-yorba-linda | <p>What exactly is it that you are looking for? Different people define themselves in different ways. For example, one person may define himself by his values and morals while another identifies herself by her personality and characteristics. Still, another person may define himself by his interests and hobbies. Learning who you are as a person can take time and life experience. At the same time, who you are may change according to what experiences you have had and how you have dealt with them or felt about them. Try viewing the journey of finding yourself as exciting and ongoing. Allow yourself to feel emotions and learn how they relate to the experiences you have. This may help you to know more about what you value, what you like and dislike, and what you want for yourself in life. Best of luck to you!<br></p> | 0 |
5671bc451c0ef037212236f7 | My husband doesn't trust me. | My husband doesn’t trust me for some past we had. I know all marriages have their ups and downs, but sometimes, I feel I am getting tired of the same thing over and over: that I am messing around, which I am not. | https://counselchat.com/questions/my-husband-doesn-t-trust-me | Marriage | Nat Roman | https://counselchat.com/therapists/nat-roman-toronto | <p>I'm sorry to hear about the trust issues in your relationship. Trust, as you clearly know, is essential to healthy relationships. Past indiscretions or dishonesty can damage this trust and make it really hard to confidence that these things will not happen again despite reassurances. We tend to be very sensitive to betrayal and risks to our relationship security. </p><p>Rebuilding trust takes time and effort for both parties. On your end, you may need to provide more reassurance and more concrete evidence that you are trustworthy, gestures of transparency (e.g. - giving him more information about where you are going and who you will be with, letting him know when you get texts or emails from people that might give him pause or trigger insecurities), and more patience and empathy for his fears. </p><p>On his end, he may need to learn to be with his insecurities and fears and ask for reassurance about your love and commitment in ways that do not lead to criticizing you, attempting to control you, or limiting your freedom. </p><p>If you are not able to come to agreements about how to put his fears to rest without it negatively impacting your life, I would suggest getting some professional help from a <a href="http://www.coupletherapytoronto.com/therapy-counselling-psychotherapy/couples-therapy-marriage-counselling/">marriage counsellor or couples therapist.</a></p> | 0 |
5670b5124c6f6bda188fb893 | How can I stop abusing alcohol? | I have bipolar II disorder, I'm addicted to alcohol and weed, and I'm hopeless. I keep drinking even though it's harming myself and others. | https://counselchat.com/questions/how-can-i-stop-abusing-alcohol | Addiction,Substance Abuse | Nat Roman | https://counselchat.com/therapists/nat-roman-toronto | <p>What an important question. I'm hearing your hopelessness and fear about the damage of your substance use and it sounds like you have reason for concern. While there can be negative stigma about using substances, for the most part substance use is an attempt to cope with emotional distress in the absence of sufficient coping strategies. We all look for comfort when we are in pain and this may be the way that you are getting comfort - even though it is also hurting you. In order to stop using alcohol and weed you will need a lot of support and you will need to learn other ways of getting comfort when you are in pain or struggling with bipolar related symptoms. </p><p><br></p><p>There is nothing to be ashamed of and we all need help when we are struggling. I would encourage you to reach out for support in any way that you can. <span style="line-height: 1.42857;">Have you talked with your health care providers about your concerns or friends or family members? </span></p><p><br></p><p>Here are some links of resources in Whistler that may be helpful:</p><p><a href="http://www.vch.ca/locations-and-services/find-health-services/?program_id=11035">http://www.vch.ca/locations-and-services/find-health-services/?program_id=11035</a><br></p><p><a href="http://redbookonline.bc211.ca/service/9509054_9509054/whistler_mental_health_and_addictions">http://redbookonline.bc211.ca/service/9509054_9509054/whistler_mental_health_and_addictions</a><br></p><p><a href="http://mywcss.org/programs/counselling-assistance/">http://mywcss.org/programs/counselling-assistance/</a><br></p><p><a href="http://redbookonline.bc211.ca/organization/9489472/alcoholics_anonymous_aa___squamishwhistler">http://redbookonline.bc211.ca/organization/9489472/alcoholics_anonymous_aa___squamishwhistler</a><br></p><p><br></p> | 0 |
5670cfcd1c0ef037212236d0 | How do I get over a coworker? | I've worked with this guy for about three years now, and I knew the first time I saw him that I was attracted. Over time, he became a very dear friend, and we talked about our relationship problems, family, dreams, and so on. There was always flirtation with us, and one day pretty recently, it progressed to making out. We agreed to keep it quiet, and we did, but in the back of my mind, I hoped it would become something more. It didn't, and three months later, I'm still not over it.
I'm trying so hard to maintain the friendship because that's what he wants. We're no longer in the same office, which I thought would help me get over these feelings, but we still talk about work, and he's constantly touching me, so I'm still very drawn to him. He's a hugger and such a sweet guy, so I find myself fantasizing all the time about what could have been and what could still be, but he's clearly not interested. He's younger than me and prefers model types, but I see him checking me out a lot, which gives me hope. How do I get him out of my system and still maintain the friendship? | https://counselchat.com/questions/how-do-i-get-over-a-coworker | Workplace Relationships,Social Relationships | Margaret Van Ackeren | https://counselchat.com/therapists/margaret-van-ackeren-yorba-linda | <p>It sounds like a tricky situation. If you want to maintain your friendship and continue to have regular contact with him, getting over him may not be possible. What makes it even trickier is that his actions (hugs and touching) may be misleading and are allowing you to believe that a romantic relationship is possible. Some ways in which we naturally get over others are when we fall in love with someone else or when we suddenly see the person we like in a more negative or unattractive light. If you truly want to force yourself to get over him, cutting contact or setting strict boundaries may be necessary. If you don't see him, over time you can begin to forget about him. If you set boundaries by discontinuing to allow the hugs and touches, you will not feel mislead or have the idea in your mind that he is being flirtatious or interested. It would be difficult to continue the relationship as is and expect your feelings to change. Thus, being proactive by talking to him about boundaries or cutting contact with him are two things you can do that will likely help you to get over him. Good luck! <br></p> | 0 |
5671bc451c0ef037212236f7 | My husband doesn't trust me. | My husband doesn’t trust me for some past we had. I know all marriages have their ups and downs, but sometimes, I feel I am getting tired of the same thing over and over: that I am messing around, which I am not. | https://counselchat.com/questions/my-husband-doesn-t-trust-me | Marriage | Sherry Katz, LCSW | https://counselchat.com/therapists/sherry-katz-lcsw | <p>The good news in the way you're feeling is recognizing that your husband's trust of your actions, makes a difference to you.</p><p>The typical therapy formula for restoring trust between two people after some sort of betrayal, is for the one who has broken the trust, to earn it back.</p><p>Restoring trust requires both persons to actively involve themselves in this process.</p><p>The person who tires earning back trust, must know what standards for this, of the one who was betrayed.</p><p>The person who feels betrayed must willingly be open minded to accepting the efforts of the one who tries earning back their trust.</p><p>As simple as this formula sounds, the actual process of restoring trust raises a lot of emotion on both sides, therefore causing difficulty in keeping discussions in this area, on track.</p><p>The best way of success in restoring trust between partners, is utilizing a couples therapist who would be able to guide your conversations back on track, and also open emotions for discussion when relevant to restoring trust.</p><p>Good luck in establishing new terms with your partner!</p> | 0 |
5670cfcd1c0ef037212236d0 | How do I get over a coworker? | I've worked with this guy for about three years now, and I knew the first time I saw him that I was attracted. Over time, he became a very dear friend, and we talked about our relationship problems, family, dreams, and so on. There was always flirtation with us, and one day pretty recently, it progressed to making out. We agreed to keep it quiet, and we did, but in the back of my mind, I hoped it would become something more. It didn't, and three months later, I'm still not over it.
I'm trying so hard to maintain the friendship because that's what he wants. We're no longer in the same office, which I thought would help me get over these feelings, but we still talk about work, and he's constantly touching me, so I'm still very drawn to him. He's a hugger and such a sweet guy, so I find myself fantasizing all the time about what could have been and what could still be, but he's clearly not interested. He's younger than me and prefers model types, but I see him checking me out a lot, which gives me hope. How do I get him out of my system and still maintain the friendship? | https://counselchat.com/questions/how-do-i-get-over-a-coworker | Workplace Relationships,Social Relationships | Sherry Katz, LCSW | https://counselchat.com/therapists/sherry-katz-lcsw | <p>How frustrating to want a relationship with someone who does not feel similarly!</p><p>The person who needs to be at the top of your list of those whose interest you consider, is yourself.</p><p>Most often, staying engaged in dialogue, affection, sex, with someone who has different reasons than you have, for doing so, creates longing, frustration and sadness.</p><p>Since the guy has told you he would like limiting his involvement with you, more than likely you will be protecting yourself from disappointed wishes, by taking his words seriously.</p><p>Since you've made your interest in him clear, it sound like he's taking advantage of what you're willing to offer him.</p><p>As long as he's not reciprocating with the involvement you'd like, why continue being available to him?</p><p>The one area that is open to you in a positive way, is to understand which qualities of this guy you find attractive.</p><p>By understanding more about your own interests about a potential partner, the stronger you will be able to step away from those who would like you for their reasons, which have nothing or very little in common with yours.</p><p>Good luck with defining the qualities of a partner with who you will feel fulfilled by sharing yourself.</p> | 0 |
567052715b1e34166b9af6a6 | How do I see a therapist without having healthcare? | I need to speak to someone about sexual addiction and binge eating immediately. | https://counselchat.com/questions/how-do-i-see-a-therapist-without-having-healthcare | Eating Disorders,Human Sexuality,Addiction | Margaret Van Ackeren | https://counselchat.com/therapists/margaret-van-ackeren-yorba-linda | <p>Depending on your area and location, there may be therapists who provide services on a sliding scale. Additionally, churches will often times offer counseling for free or for a small fee. I suggest doing a simple Google search and contact therapists in your area. It never hurts to ask for a reduced fee and even if he or she is unable to provide the service, they may be able to refer you to someone who can. <br></p> | 0 |
56745d0804038e557aecf465 | Should I break up with my live-in girlfriend? | I'm a male in my 20s. My girlfriend is in her late 30s. She's great. She's funny and smart, she has a big heart, and we have an excellent sex life. She recently moved in with me partially because she wanted to and partially because she had no place to go. We fight a lot. It’s mostly my fault, I must admit. She doesn't like my insecurity and lack of trust I have for her. I have trust issues. Also, I can't fathom why a woman like her is with me, so I'm always dreading when a better dude will come along. I don't think she's happy. She's very submissive and she loves me very much, but also the fact that she has nowhere to go must be influencing her decision to stay. I love her so much, but my jealousy is not likely to diminish. I never believed in the whole "If you love them, let them go," but I do now. I really want her to be happy. Should I end it with her? She has no place to go so I feel like I can’t break up with her. I’m literally trapped. | https://counselchat.com/questions/should-i-break-up-with-my-live-in-girlfriend-3 | Self-esteem,Relationships | Sandra Cooper, RN, LPCMH | https://counselchat.com/therapists/sandra-cooper-rn-lpcmh | <p>Hi Fort Worth, I applaud your awareness and insight into the relationship. Most of us come into relationships carrying old baggage and although you can't change her, what you can do, is change yourself. We can usually begin to understand ourselves better in the context of our own upbringings. That is where we learn what a relationship looks like and it is often not the best teacher. I wonder about your jealously, insecurity, feeling trapped and a lack of trust. Has that ever showed up anywhere before? It has more to do with you and less to do with her. Your relationship with her is tapping into unresolved issues within yourself. That is really where you want to focus. Once you understand it and resolve it, you will no longer need to ask anyone else what to do, because you will know. You are young and just getting started in the relationship world and the healthier you are, the better you will know what healthy looks like. Know yourself, understand yourself and love yourself. The rest will take care of itself. Finding a Therapist can be a big help in this process. You are asking the question, so I suspect you are ready to look at the man in the mirror. I believe in you and am wishing you all the best.</p><p>Sandra Cooper, RN, LPCMH</p> | 0 |
56745d0804038e557aecf465 | Should I break up with my live-in girlfriend? | I'm a male in my 20s. My girlfriend is in her late 30s. She's great. She's funny and smart, she has a big heart, and we have an excellent sex life. She recently moved in with me partially because she wanted to and partially because she had no place to go. We fight a lot. It’s mostly my fault, I must admit. She doesn't like my insecurity and lack of trust I have for her. I have trust issues. Also, I can't fathom why a woman like her is with me, so I'm always dreading when a better dude will come along. I don't think she's happy. She's very submissive and she loves me very much, but also the fact that she has nowhere to go must be influencing her decision to stay. I love her so much, but my jealousy is not likely to diminish. I never believed in the whole "If you love them, let them go," but I do now. I really want her to be happy. Should I end it with her? She has no place to go so I feel like I can’t break up with her. I’m literally trapped. | https://counselchat.com/questions/should-i-break-up-with-my-live-in-girlfriend-3 | Self-esteem,Relationships | Sherry Katz, LCSW | https://counselchat.com/therapists/sherry-katz-lcsw | <p>Are you possibly mixing up an impulse to nurture and protect someone, such as by offering housing, and your own need to feel loved and appreciated as a romantic partner?</p><p><br></p><p>Maybe your feeling of jealousy is really your awareness of a reasonable need to be loved by a partner.</p><p>Even though you are quite detailed in your description of your partner, one piece which is missing, is whether you feel you are loved by her.</p><p>Maybe too, what she considers your insecurity, is really her unwillgness to love you.</p><p>It's always easier to put distance between two people by insulting them.</p><p>I hope this gives you a few new ways to look at your situation.</p><p>A few therapy sessions, either by yourself or together w your gf, would give you more chance to know more deeply what it is you are facing.</p> | 0 |
56738e09c67f93fb5b313e7f | I'm scared of hurting my boyfriend after he had a cyst removed from his testicles. | My boyfriend and I have not had sex in a couple of weeks. He had to have a cyst removed on his testicles. I have been wanting to have sex with him for a while now, and it drives me crazy not to be able to make love to him. I'm scared to touch him and get close to him because I'm afraid that I will hurt him. | https://counselchat.com/questions/i-m-scared-of-hurting-my-boyfriend-after-he-had-a-cyst-removed-from-his-testicles | Intimacy,Relationships | Sherry Katz, LCSW | https://counselchat.com/therapists/sherry-katz-lcsw | <p>Are you talking with your boyfriend about his doctor advises on starting to have sex again?</p><p>Being able to talk together about topics that involve both of you, will establish a new type of intimacy on an emotional level.</p><p>Also, there are many ways of making love. If your bf's cyst hasn't yet healed, then another way of both increasing your emotional intimacy and learning different love making suggestions, is to read about these together with him.</p><p>I hope the two of you enjoy learning new ways of sexually taking care of one another, while developing more emotional closeness in the process.</p> | 0 |
56738869c67f93fb5b313e7e | My parents are threatening to send me away if I don't play basketball for a team I hate. | I'm applying to private high schools. I'm playing basketball on my school team currently, and I love it. I also play on a team that I've hated since the beginning, and I finally want to quit before the season gets started. However, my parents say I can play on either both teams or neither. I think it's unfair because it's up to me if I want to play for a certain team. I was planning on playing basketball for the high school I get into, but if that means continuing to play for the team I hate, then I wouldn't want to play in high school. Now I don't know what to do! My parents are threatening to send me off to a different home if I don't play. I just want to run away. | https://counselchat.com/questions/my-parents-are-threatening-to-send-me-away-if-i-don-t-play-basketball-for-a-team-i-hate | Family Conflict | Sherry Katz, LCSW | https://counselchat.com/therapists/sherry-katz-lcsw | <p>The situation in your family seems to place unnecessary pressure on you.</p><p>Are you and your parents able to talk together about their reason for their standard?</p><p>Are your parents willing to listen to your reasons to not play on the team you hate?</p><p>If yes, then maybe some type of compromise is possible for all of you to negotiate.</p><p>If none of the above is possible, then you may want to get specific and direct advice from a professional, such as the school guidance counselor or psychologist, whom you'd trust and feel safe in talking.</p><p>I hope you and your parents will find an answer that all of you are happy to accept.</p><p><br></p> | 0 |
5671f5881c0ef03721223706 | How can I get my boyfriend to see my point of view when we argue? | I had to go to the emergency room today to get an X-ray of my spine. My boyfriend didn't want to sit there and wait with me. Instead, he wanted to go do things for his friends while I waited. When I was done, he was twenty minutes late in picking me up. He doesn't understand why I'm mad, and we keep bickering at each other over the smallest things. He thinks I don't have a reason to be mad, but I believe that I do. | https://counselchat.com/questions/how-can-i-get-my-boyfriend-to-see-my-point-of-view-when-we-argue | Relationships | Margaret Van Ackeren | https://counselchat.com/therapists/margaret-van-ackeren-yorba-linda | It is extremely frustrating when our significant other doesn't understand our points of view. Often times, arguments are not the best opportunities to try and make a point, as strong emotions can get in the way of understanding others' perspectives. <div><br></div><div>Try having a discussion with him about what is bothering you during a time when neither if you are upset or arguing. Communicate how you feel without placing blame and without yelling. Addionally, give him ideas of what he can do differently so that he understands what your expectations are. Lastly, consider seeing a couple's therapist who can assist with teaching more effective communication techniques. Best of luck.</div> | 0 |
56745d0804038e557aecf465 | Should I break up with my live-in girlfriend? | I'm a male in my 20s. My girlfriend is in her late 30s. She's great. She's funny and smart, she has a big heart, and we have an excellent sex life. She recently moved in with me partially because she wanted to and partially because she had no place to go. We fight a lot. It’s mostly my fault, I must admit. She doesn't like my insecurity and lack of trust I have for her. I have trust issues. Also, I can't fathom why a woman like her is with me, so I'm always dreading when a better dude will come along. I don't think she's happy. She's very submissive and she loves me very much, but also the fact that she has nowhere to go must be influencing her decision to stay. I love her so much, but my jealousy is not likely to diminish. I never believed in the whole "If you love them, let them go," but I do now. I really want her to be happy. Should I end it with her? She has no place to go so I feel like I can’t break up with her. I’m literally trapped. | https://counselchat.com/questions/should-i-break-up-with-my-live-in-girlfriend-3 | Self-esteem,Relationships | Margaret Van Ackeren | https://counselchat.com/therapists/margaret-van-ackeren-yorba-linda | It sounds like there are assumptions being made regarding how she feels about you and why she is with you. I would not suggest breaking up with her without first attempting to resolve your own issues. You may not only regret your decision, but might find that the exact same problem arises in future relationships. I would recommend seeing a therapist who can help you figure out what is at the root of all of this. By learning about your own insecurities and where they come from, you can expect to discover new ways of responding and relating to others, which will likely impact your relationship in a positive manner. | 0 |
567202c81c0ef0372122370e | Relationships cause me anxiety and nausea. | I am in high school and have been facing anxiety issues lately. Whenever I get close to being in a relationship, some kind of anxiety takes over and keeps me from the relationship. This anxiety causes me depression at times and even makes me want to vomit. While a semi-relationship should be joyous, for me, it’s an emotional nightmare I can’t get to the bottom of. I’ve had this before and had to leave the semi-relationship to avoid throwing up every time I made contact with my crush. What could be the reason behind this? Is it massive nerve problems? Is it a fear of a bad relationship?
While I’m not quite ready to be in one anyway, I want to get to the bottom of this for a brighter future in which I can be in one. I don’t take medications and have no desire to, I have read forums, and I’ve talked about the issue with my sister who has faced similar problems. | https://counselchat.com/questions/relationships-cause-me-anxiety-and-nausea | Depression,Anxiety,Relationships | Lynda Martens | https://counselchat.com/therapists/ms-lynda-martens-london-ontario | <p>Hi Helena,</p><p>I felt a bit sad when I read this. This is a new term for me... "semi-relationship". What does it mean? I know that today's culture for young people is more of a "hook-up" culture than a dating one. Maybe that means that you develop connections to people but you keep yourself from hoping for a full relationship because no one is doing that anymore. That makes me feel sad. I hear a lot of young women (I'm not sure you're female, but that's my guess) say that they struggle with hook-ups because they can't let themselves hope for a phone call after a hook-up. Research tells us that, after a hook-up, college age women tend to feel used and unworthy, and men tend to feel guilty. I think this scenario works better for men than women, but many of both genders are left unsatisfied in the end.</p><p>This is only one possible explanation for your anxiety...that your gut knows that it wants to feel fully coupled with someone but you struggle with whether it's okay to want or expect that.</p><p>Maybe take a moment and listen to anxiety. Anxiety tends to try to convince us that something's wrong with us or something bad's going to happen. Anxiety sometimes prefers to stay vague (it's more difficult to refute it then), but you can try to clarify it's whisperings by asking yourself these questions: What am I afraid of? What is the worst thing that might happen here? Then what might happen, and what would be the worst part of that? Keep going until you find the very worst thing that might happen? Might someone not want you...might you feel rejected...or feel not good enough...you might get hurt?</p><p>Then when you find that core fear, you can look at your life and I bet you'd find a place where that idea or fear originated. A big moment (or many smaller ones) when you actually DID feel or get rejected or abandoned or hurt. In the end, it's a feeling you're trying to avoid (not life or relationship), and anxiety is trying to help you avoid it by making you overcautious. But this doesn't work for you! Good! With the help of a qualified therapist, you can learn to talk back to anxiety and move forward in life and love with calm. confidence.</p> | 0 |
5671f5881c0ef03721223706 | How can I get my boyfriend to see my point of view when we argue? | I had to go to the emergency room today to get an X-ray of my spine. My boyfriend didn't want to sit there and wait with me. Instead, he wanted to go do things for his friends while I waited. When I was done, he was twenty minutes late in picking me up. He doesn't understand why I'm mad, and we keep bickering at each other over the smallest things. He thinks I don't have a reason to be mad, but I believe that I do. | https://counselchat.com/questions/how-can-i-get-my-boyfriend-to-see-my-point-of-view-when-we-argue | Relationships | Lynda Martens | https://counselchat.com/therapists/ms-lynda-martens-london-ontario | <p>Hi Moore, Underneath all your anger is a lot of hurt. The hurt is there because you are being disrespected. Your boyfriend (unless you've only told me a small, disproportionate part of the bigger picture) doesn't tend to treat you like you're important and he dismisses your emotions. This is happening because this is the level of ability (disability?) he has right now in a relationship. You can expect more of this behaviour (because that's who he is; it has nothing to do with you), and I hope you think carefully about whether it's working for you to be in this. </p><p>You could try telling him that you are hurt, because people tend to listen more to hurt than to anger, but my guess is with him it might not make a difference. I hope you talk to someone who knows and supports you about how you're feeling in this relationship. </p> | 0 |
5671c7451c0ef037212236fc | What can i do if there is no trust in our relationship? | I just got married with my husband. I have four kids of my own, and he accepts me with my kids. I am thankful he loves my kids even though they’re not his. Now we are having problems in our relationship because of my past. I know all marriages have problems, but sometimes I feel it’s not going to work out if there’s no trust. It’s hard for me to let go because I love him, but I am getting tired. | https://counselchat.com/questions/what-can-i-do-if-there-is-no-trust-in-our-relationship | Marriage,Intimacy | Lynda Martens | https://counselchat.com/therapists/ms-lynda-martens-london-ontario | <p>Hi Louisiana,</p><p>You say that the problems are with your "past", but my hunch is the problems are about his insecurity and his personal barriers to trust (unless you've recently revealed details of a sordid past?). You don't mention ever having hurt the trust in the relationship.</p><p>Trust is the first stage in a relationship. Moving forward before they develop trust is a common mistake couples make, and now you two have involved children in a relationship that's missing a crucial element. But you didn't see this coming, did you? That's because only as we become emotionally intimate do our deeper fears and insecurities come to the surface. </p><p>I give you credit for wanting it to work, and I believe you would benefit from the support of a therapist in working through the kinks related to trust. Good luck!</p> | 0 |
5664cec20901991a77b2088e | I lie to my mom about my relationship. | I use to be so happy. No matter what, I always was happy. I got into a relationship with this guy. I love him so much. We’re both teenagers. The week after his birthday, my mom made me stop talking to him. It broke me. He came to my house and talked to her, and she let us date again but not see each other. He comes up to my school every day and it tears me apart that I have to lie to her. | https://counselchat.com/questions/i-lie-to-my-mom-about-my-relationship | Relationships,Family Conflict | Lynda Martens | https://counselchat.com/therapists/ms-lynda-martens-london-ontario | <p style="margin-bottom: 0px; color: rgb(102, 102, 102); font-family: 'Open Sans', Helvetica; white-space: pre-wrap;">Hi Los Angeles, I can tell you have a moral backbone because it's hurting you to lie to your mom. I always say that a little bit of guilt is healthy because it teaches us who we want to be. Listen to that voice. You don't have to lie to your mom to get what you want.</p><p style="margin-top: 10px; margin-bottom: 0px; color: rgb(102, 102, 102); font-family: 'Open Sans', Helvetica; white-space: pre-wrap;">Now, you don't say how old you are, so part of my answer is going to be a bit vague. There's a big difference between being thirteen and your mom telling you what to do and being nineteen and your mom telling you what to do. The thing is that moms and dads start out making all your decisions for you when you're small, and they're supposed to, very gradually, give that control over to you. Different parents do this at different speeds, but in general you have to earn that freedom and trust...it's not just gonna be handed over to you. </p><p style="margin-top: 10px; margin-bottom: 0px; color: rgb(102, 102, 102); font-family: 'Open Sans', Helvetica; white-space: pre-wrap;">You might not like this part...your parent has the right to make the rules. My guess is there's a reason why mom is holding you back. Even if it doesn't make sense to you, breaking her rules isn't going to get you what you want...which is freedom, right? I guarantee you that mom wants you to eventually earn freedom...but she's not supposed to give it to you until you're ready because her first job is to keep you safe.<span style="line-height: 1.42857;"> I like that your mom has limits for you. Too many parents are sort of looking the other way, busy with their own thing. Whether you know it or not, you need protection like all kids do (appropriate for your age, of course).</span></p><p style="margin-top: 10px; margin-bottom: 0px; color: rgb(102, 102, 102); font-family: 'Open Sans', Helvetica; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="line-height: 1.42857;">It sounds like what you want to say to your mom is "I want to make my own decisions about who I spend time with". That's a normal wish, and I encourage you to say that to her. Depending on your age and whether you've earned it, she might listen. </span></p><p style="margin-top: 10px; margin-bottom: 0px; color: rgb(102, 102, 102); font-family: 'Open Sans', Helvetica; white-space: pre-wrap;">So, you're sending her that message that you want to send, but you're doing it in a sneaky way, and that's not going to go well when she finds out. It's called "passive aggressive" when you say something with a sneaky behaviour rather than with words. It's not a very healthy way of sending a message, because people feel disrespected. </p><p style="margin-top: 10px; margin-bottom: 0px; color: rgb(102, 102, 102); font-family: 'Open Sans', Helvetica; white-space: pre-wrap;">My guess is that your best bet is to be honest with mom, stop the sneaking around and come up with a detailed plan of how you're going to earn your freedom...eventually. She might listen to that.</p> | 0 |
5566f9a2a64752d71ec3ca67 | I’ve suffered from insomnia and nightmares for about 3 years | It takes me a long time to fall asleep; I’d estimate about two hours. I often have nightmares, starting with being eaten by a monster, and I often wake up frightened and unable to breathe.
I believe I started losing sleep after breaking up with a girlfriend of 8 years. Also, my father’s business went bankrupt and my mother has a chronic condition. I was under a lot of stress, and life lost meaning.
After improving my life and developing a habit of running and exercise to release stress, my symptoms improved. However in the past couple months, I started losing sleep again and having nightmares without warning. How can I solve this issue? | https://counselchat.com/questions/i-ve-suffered-from-insomnia-and-nightmares-for-about-3-years | Sleep Improvement | Ben Braaksma | https://counselchat.com/therapists/ben-braaksma | <p><!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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</p><p class="MsoNormal">You’re noticing that as you lie down to go to sleep, there
is quite a bit going on, which may be anxiety related. It sounds like the
dreams and difficulty sleeping are reminiscent of previous experiences you had
around the time of your break up, the difficulty with your father’s business,
and your mother’s health issues. These connections to past events may be
important insights to continue exploring in addition to finding out more about
what your dreams may be trying to tell you. There is no exact science to
dreams, but many people find it fruitful to explore the content as it relates to
significant themes in their lives. I think that exploring these issues further with
a therapist could help you resolve whatever is causing you the stress, trouble sleeping, and frightening dreams.</p>
| 0 |
56724b5d1c0ef03721223715 | I'm studying abroad, and I'm depressed. | I'm supposed to stay here the rest of my academic life, but I've never liked it here, not even before I came. I’ve never felt like I belong, I’ve missed my country every second in the past four months, and I'm just miserable. I'm gaining weight, doing nothing, and crying for hours straight. Is it time to go back home or is it just culture shock? | https://counselchat.com/questions/i-m-studying-abroad-and-i-m-depressed | Depression | Ben Braaksma | https://counselchat.com/therapists/ben-braaksma | <p>It sounds like you are feeling very unsure and out of place and the prospect of continuing to feel as you do now for the remainder of schooling seems daunting. Without getting to know more about you and your experiences here and at home, it is hard to say what you should do, however, I think exploring these things with a competent therapist may help you to discover the answer.<br></p> | 0 |
55849048e1d57a380899c160 | What do I do about a cousin who makes me feel belittled, insecure and frustrated? | Hello, I have a cousin in my family who has been making me feel belittled, insecure, and frustrated during her stay here in the city. I know she comes from a place of love, but she has always been short-fused and highly temperamental if something doesn't work out the way she planned it. I have tried my best to coordinate plans with her, but she always ends up frustrated about the lack of communication I seem to have on my part and then makes condescending comments about my character that include: inconsiderate, negative, oblivious, and self consumed.
I have tried to talk to her openly about this, but it always comes back as an attack on my character and I have never heard these comments from anyone else before. I have been thinking a lot about her comments and whether I truly am an inconsiderate person who is not thoughtful, spatially aware of surroundings/people, or positive, but in the end, I am feeling awfully hurt about how this has affected our relationship.
What can I do? | https://counselchat.com/questions/what-do-i-do-about-a-cousin-who-makes-me-feel-belittled-insecure-and-frustrated | Family Conflict | Ben Braaksma | https://counselchat.com/therapists/ben-braaksma | <p>It sounds like you are feeling pretty criticized by your cousin and at the same time you are wondering whether or not there is some truth in what she is saying. It also sounds like you would like to see if you can find a new way to relate to your cousin, so that your relationship can be more satisfying. If you can find a competent therapist to work with, there may be a great deal of opportunity to learn more about how you relate to people in the world and to learn strategies to show up in your relationship with your cousin in a way that feels right to you.<br></p> | 0 |
5670cfcd1c0ef037212236d0 | How do I get over a coworker? | I've worked with this guy for about three years now, and I knew the first time I saw him that I was attracted. Over time, he became a very dear friend, and we talked about our relationship problems, family, dreams, and so on. There was always flirtation with us, and one day pretty recently, it progressed to making out. We agreed to keep it quiet, and we did, but in the back of my mind, I hoped it would become something more. It didn't, and three months later, I'm still not over it.
I'm trying so hard to maintain the friendship because that's what he wants. We're no longer in the same office, which I thought would help me get over these feelings, but we still talk about work, and he's constantly touching me, so I'm still very drawn to him. He's a hugger and such a sweet guy, so I find myself fantasizing all the time about what could have been and what could still be, but he's clearly not interested. He's younger than me and prefers model types, but I see him checking me out a lot, which gives me hope. How do I get him out of my system and still maintain the friendship? | https://counselchat.com/questions/how-do-i-get-over-a-coworker | Workplace Relationships,Social Relationships | Nat Roman | https://counselchat.com/therapists/nat-roman-toronto | <p>It sounds like you have mixed feelings and motivations - which is understandable. On the one hand you want to get over him, on the other you are still holding out hope for something more. It will be really hard to let go of him and create friend boundaries so long as there is a part of you holding on to the idea of something more. If you are being really honest with yourself you might need to acknowledge that you are not really striving to get him out of your system - that you have not really given up hope of having a relationship with him. If you are whole-heartedly committed to moving past the <a href="http://www.coupletherapytoronto.com/therapy-counselling-psychotherapy-resources/articles/what-is-sex-therapy">sexual and romantic parts of your relationship</a> and just having a friendship than refraining from all the touching would be a good place to start. It is hard to "just be friends" when all your sex and bonding hormones are coursing through your veins. </p> | 0 |
55cf72b0bdca3bcd2070e9ca | How do you cope with the death of your child, while surrounded with your parents who aren't supportive and disregard your feelings? | null | https://counselchat.com/questions/how-do-you-cope-with-the-death-of-your-child-while-surrounded-with-your-parents-who-aren-t-supportive-and-disregard-your-feelings | Grief and Loss | Ben Braaksma | https://counselchat.com/therapists/ben-braaksma | <p>First of all, I am very sorry to hear about your loss, which must be very painful. It sounds like in addition to the loss, you are also feeling invalidated by your parents and alone with your grief. Grieving is a very personal and sometimes complex process which many people are ill equipped to support us through. If you can get the support of a competent therapist, this may be quite valuable in helping work through this process.<br></p> | 0 |
55d030616ae5f72373d44189 | How do I make myself happy without someone who made me happy? | How do I make myself happy without the people who made me happy? Now that they’re gone, I feel sad. It’s been two months now but I seem to be unable to stay okay and independent. | https://counselchat.com/questions/how-do-i-make-myself-happy-without-someone-who-made-me-happy | Depression,Relationships | Ben Braaksma | https://counselchat.com/therapists/ben-braaksma | <p>It sounds like you have been feeling pretty down, since the loss of a relationship, and you're wondering how to be happy by yourself. Intimacy is a very natural human desire and at the same time learning to enjoy ourselves, even when we are alone, can strengthen our ability to lead a satisfying life in and out of relationship. Working with a therapist, you may be able to gain insight into how you show up in your relationships with yourself and others and discover more fulfilling ways to do so.<br></p> | 0 |
561c8201e88a65597bb56a50 | I'm overwhelmed and depressed | I'm unemployed just relocated. I can't get approved for a place to live because of past mistakes which follow me to this day. I'm depressed and on the verge of loosing my partner because I'm overwhelmed and have trouble functioning on a daily basis. I see no light at the end of this tunnel and need some help. I see no point in this chaos infested joke some call life. | https://counselchat.com/questions/i-m-overwhelmed-and-depressed | Depression | Ben Braaksma | https://counselchat.com/therapists/ben-braaksma | <p>It sounds like you are feeling like things are hopeless and out of control and you're not sure what to do about it. If you can find a competent therapist to work with, together you may be able to come up with some strategies for alleviating the overwhelming distress that you are experiencing and gain some insight into what may be contributing to these challenges. Additionally, a therapist may be able to support you in getting back on your feet in regards to work, a place to live, and showing up with your partner in a way that will be more satisfying to you.<br></p> | 0 |
55efaa126158f62c488b9554 | How do I deal with anger problems towards my mom | null | https://counselchat.com/questions/how-do-i-deal-with-anger-problems-towards-my-mom | Anger Management,Family Conflict | Ben Braaksma | https://counselchat.com/therapists/ben-braaksma | <p>Anger is a natural and healthy emotion, however, it can be difficult to deal with if it becomes overwhelming and depending on what we have been taught about it and how to express it. A competent therapist may be able to help you figure out ways to relate to your anger and your mother that will feel right to you.<br></p> | 0 |
5676c0138e5e79ff3a20c7de | My husband yells “enough” when I tell him he needs to change | That phrase makes me crazy. It happens anytime I point out something to my husband that he needs to change, such as looking up from his iPad long enough for me to tell him the grandbaby almost pulled the shelf unit over or explaining to him that I got all the things he needs to bake a pie. Another example is when he opens the front door, the dog runs out if he doesn't pick him up. Over and over again, he lets the dog run out, and I am afraid he will get hit by a car. | https://counselchat.com/questions/my-husband-yells-enough-when-i-tell-him-he-needs-to-change | Marriage | Sherry Katz, LCSW | https://counselchat.com/therapists/sherry-katz-lcsw | <p>I empathize with your feeling "crazy" hearing your husband yell "enough" in response to you wanting to make a point to him.</p><p>When the immediate situation has calmed down, have you ever told him that this upsets you? </p><p>Is it possible he simply is not aware that you feel upset by how he talks to you?</p><p>Keep in mind too that what you believe your husband must change, may not agree with his opinion on what he needs to change.</p><p>A helpful starting place for the two of you to discuss once the immediate situation has calmed down, is what you each feel would have been a reasonable way of handling the situation that just happened.</p><p>By learning more about how the other person thinks and feels, it will be easier to know what to expect form each other.</p><p>Even if you disagree about what is best, knowing that there are differences between you may make living with them easier to accept, or at least not be surprised and startled by them.</p><p>Sending good luck to both of you!</p> | 0 |
5676b4bf8e5e79ff3a20c7dc | Is it acceptable for me to find another home for my boyfriend's dog? | My boyfriend moved in with me a few months ago. I love him, but his dog is wrecking my house. Every day we get home, there is a huge mess on the floor, and several things will be ripped up (including the couch). He's slowly eating all of the doors, and there will be food and poop everywhere. Even though I come home during all of my breaks to take him out, he still poops and pees in the house every chance. I can't financially afford to have the dog wrecking my house. I've tried talking to my boyfriend about the dog to try and come up with a solution, but it never ends well. The dog is the only thing we fight about because I want him out of the house and my boyfriend doesn't want to see him go. It’s not the dog fault though; I understand that. The dog is only a year old, and he isn't a bad dog. He's just too big of a dog for where he is; he should be a farm dog instead of a town dog. I don't hate the dog, but I just can't afford to continue having my house torn to pieces. | https://counselchat.com/questions/is-it-acceptable-for-me-to-find-another-home-for-my-boyfriend-s-dog | Relationships | Sherry Katz, LCSW | https://counselchat.com/therapists/sherry-katz-lcsw | <p>Every living creature needs time and support to adjust to a new situation.</p><p>The dog is in a new place without the ability to understand the reason. This may explain what sounds like the dog's agitation. </p><p><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;">Have you spoken with your boyfriend on his opinion on how to address the dog behavior problems?</span><br></p><p><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;">Finding an answer together would be a good way of making your relationship stronger. A</span><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;"> lot of being a couple who live together is talking, listening and deciding together on how to handle major situations.</span></p><p><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;">If it is affordable, then a dog behaviorist may be of great help. The person would guide you in working with the dog to become calmer.</span></p> | 0 |
567633558e5e79ff3a20c7d8 | Why do I see things that are not actually there? | It has been going on more often lately, but not all the time. It has been starting to affect my driving, among other things. | https://counselchat.com/questions/why-do-i-see-things-that-are-not-actually-there | null | Ida Duplechin | https://counselchat.com/therapists/ida-duplechin | <p>It's important to make an appointment with a neurologist and ophthalmologist ASAP for evaluation. There are medical conditions that can create this effect.<br></p> | 0 |
56757c7d9c01d6e4177f8b49 | How do I know if I have social anxiety? | I'm a teenager, and I struggle with going out and talking to people. I feel awful about leaving home. I know I can't afford a therapist so I don't know what my problem is, but I think I might have social anxiety. | https://counselchat.com/questions/how-do-i-know-if-i-have-social-anxiety | Anxiety | Ben Braaksma | https://counselchat.com/therapists/ben-braaksma | <p>If you are noticing that anxiety tends to be triggered around interactions with others, then you may have social anxiety. Working with a therapist, you may be able to gain insight into the nature of the anxiety, develop tools for coping with it, and take steps that may alleviate it over time, so that you can enjoy your interactions with others. <br></p><p>If you are short on money, there still may be options for you to be able to see a therapist. Check with your insurance provider about your behavioral health coverage. If you have medicaid/apple care, there are some private practice therapists who accept this form of insurance, as well as community clinics which do. If you are not insured, some therapists and clinics will work on a sliding fee scale, and accept either low fee or may even work with you pro-bono (for free).<br></p> | 0 |
567797b78e5e79ff3a20c7f1 | How do I deal with parental figures who have hurt me? | People who are parental figures in my life have, in the past, hurt me, and some continue to do so. It makes me feel like I'm not good enough for my husband or the life he provides me. I have had jobs, but I am going through a lot of my past garbage and trying to figure out when it all went wrong. Any time I bring these things up, I am expected to be over the issue. These are people that you can't just cut out, but I have never received apologies for so much of my pain. I don't know what to do any more. I don't know who I am anymore. | https://counselchat.com/questions/how-do-i-deal-with-parental-figures-who-have-hurt-me | Depression,Family Conflict | Ben Braaksma | https://counselchat.com/therapists/ben-braaksma | <p>It sounds like you have been thinking about how past hurts have influenced you, and when you try to talk about these hurts with people in your life, you are feeling invalidated. It also sounds like current conflicts are continuing to leave you feeling hurt and devalued. In working with a therapist, you may be able to get some clarity about your past, who you are, and what kinds of boundaries you want in your relationships, so that you can lead a life that is more satisfying to you.<br></p> | 0 |
5676c0138e5e79ff3a20c7de | My husband yells “enough” when I tell him he needs to change | That phrase makes me crazy. It happens anytime I point out something to my husband that he needs to change, such as looking up from his iPad long enough for me to tell him the grandbaby almost pulled the shelf unit over or explaining to him that I got all the things he needs to bake a pie. Another example is when he opens the front door, the dog runs out if he doesn't pick him up. Over and over again, he lets the dog run out, and I am afraid he will get hit by a car. | https://counselchat.com/questions/my-husband-yells-enough-when-i-tell-him-he-needs-to-change | Marriage | Margaret Van Ackeren | https://counselchat.com/therapists/margaret-van-ackeren-yorba-linda | <p>It's hard to say what is okay and what is not okay, as it depends on what you and your husband feel is appropriate in your relationship. If you are feeling like you need to walk on eggshells or that you can't speak your mind and say how you feel, then that sounds like a problem. I would recommend having an open discussion with your husband about communication between the two of you in general. Do this during a time when there is little or no conflict and emotions are not heightened. Let him know how you feel and give him specific ideas of how you would like him to respond instead of saying, "enough." Additionally, try and see his perspective and understand why he shuts you down. Perhaps, he feels like he is being told what to do constantly or that he gets little positive feedback from you. An open dialogue about how to discuss issues going forward will likely help. Seeing a couple's therapist will also greatly assist with teaching better communication skills and seeing if there are underlying issues that need resolution. Best of luck to you guys.</p> | 0 |
5678a5171dafd4552b777448 | Does my fiancée need a service dog? | My fiancée suffers from severe anxiety and depression. She has had it most of her life. Her anxiety in public places is the worst. It gets to points where she can't breathe or move. Sometimes, she won't even go to the restroom, so she will hold in her pee until her stomach hurts or she pees herself. She curls up in corners at the mall and has panic attacks. She won't eat or drink in public. If she isn't having a panic attack or crying, she's clinging to me and avoiding everything and everyone. Her depression flares up out of nowhere and causes her to become very suicidal and self-harming. She get really sick from anxiety and scared to the point that I can't even get her to eat, drink, leave the bed, or go outside. She always tells me how she grew up around so much fighting and fear that it makes her scared of loud sounds, yelling, conflict, and even talking to strangers in public. She will refuse to go to a store unless I am with her to talk to the cashier for her. She is so scared that I can't even get her to drive. She doesn't want to get her license because she's scared of trying to drive.
Some people have recommended medication, but I believe it's just going to cover up her illness and not solve it. I don't want my fiancée pumped with drugs. I believe a psychiatric service dog would be the best bet for her. When we first met my poodle, it would calm her down a lot. She took the dog out every time we went out, and she seemed much calmer and happier. She slowly would eat, and the dog seemed to make her feel a lot better. I am worried and want to help her without medication. | https://counselchat.com/questions/does-my-fianc-e-need-a-service-dog | Depression,Anxiety | Margaret Van Ackeren | https://counselchat.com/therapists/margaret-van-ackeren-yorba-linda | <p>It sounds like you have been a positive support for your fiancee. There is no doubt that this situation is a great challenge for the both of you. While it may feel like you are responsible for her health and happiness, it is important that you understand that you, on your own, won't be able to resolve her mental health issues. Based on what you have explained, it sounds like she needs to get a medical and/or psychiatric evaluation. Whether or not she decides to take medication is her (and your) decision, but keeping an open mind about treatment options is important. I suggest that she see a therapist on her own in order to better understand and cope with her anxiety and depression, especially given her suicidal thoughts. You would also likely benefit from therapy, individual or couple's therapy, in order to address how you are feeling and best learn how to support her and your relationship. I wish the very best for both of you and hope that things will improve sooner than later.</p> | 0 |
567979b81dafd4552b77745e | I’ve been separated from my husband for six months and he still has not filed for divorce. | My husband and I got into a huge dispute. He said he wanted a divorce, and I left. I still come home a lot and see my kids, and he has not filed yet even though he still said he is. What does that mean for our marriage? | https://counselchat.com/questions/i-ve-been-separated-from-my-husband-for-six-months-and-he-still-has-not-filed-for-divorce | Relationship Dissolution | Sherry Katz, LCSW | https://counselchat.com/therapists/sherry-katz-lcsw | <p>In any relationship, including marriage, each partner will be better able to do their part, by understanding their own interests and wishes.</p><p>Concentrate more on what you'd like from your marriage. This will naturally raise the questions and criteria of what to talk with your husband about and what to ask of him.</p><p>Think over whether you wish to divorce or not.</p><p>Since he hasn't taken any action, then for the moment, you can assume he is not sure of what he wants.</p><p>Once you feel a little more clear on your opinion about your marriage, including feeling uncertain if you'd like it to end or continue, then you will be able to tell your husband the suggestions you have for resolving the dispute matter and emotions.</p><p>Try to re-direct your speculations about, "what does he want", "I wonder what he's thinking", back to answering these very reasonable questions, about yourself.</p><p>This will strengthen your own purpose in clarifying where to start and guide a discussion with him.</p><p>Good luck!</p> | 0 |
567082c85bb022840f42baf4 | How do I find myself? | I don't know what to say. I have never really known who I am. | https://counselchat.com/questions/how-do-i-find-myself | Spirituality | Ben Braaksma | https://counselchat.com/therapists/ben-braaksma | Therapy may be an effective way for you to get a stronger sense of who you are. A competent therapist will work to create a safe and curious therapeutic relationship in which you can explore your identity. There are also many different exercises which you can do in and out of therapy which you may find helpful in this area as well.<br> | 0 |
55de7d6a368d07e003f28d2a | I have come to the realization that my boyfriend and I want different things | I feel that I need to end my present relationship. He lives three hours away and likes the reassurance of having someone to talk to multiple times per day and seeing me once or twice a month. I want someone who is more present and more of a life companion.
Lately, he has had a very busy work schedule and I have only seen him a few times in the last 6 weeks. I told him that I can't continue in this way because I constantly feel frustrated and angry and that he is not making the relationship enough of a priority. I also feel it is keeping me from possibly finding the relationship I want.
We have been together 7 years. The problem is that I panic and experience anxiety and depression thinking of him with someone else and then thinking I will never meet someone I like. We have gone through this cycle already 4-5 times and I feel it is unhealthy to stay in it, but my aversion to the anxiety and depression I experience upon separation always leads me to reconcile. | https://counselchat.com/questions/i-have-come-to-the-realization-that-my-boyfriend-and-i-want-different-things | Relationships,Anxiety | Ben Braaksma | https://counselchat.com/therapists/ben-braaksma | <p>It sounds like you have some insight into the cycle that you describe with your current relationship and at the same time you are still feeling stuck. It also sounds like the distressing feelings that you experience, when you imagine what will happen for you and your current partner, are pretty overwhelming. A competent therapist may be able to help you work through these difficult thoughts and feelings and find a resolution to this cycle that will feel right to you.<br></p> | 0 |
55717c13a03de6c365f45be9 | Sleeping, Anger and Anxiety | I have a lot of issues going on right now. First of all, I have a lot of trouble sleeping at times, while other nights I sleep too much and still feel quite tired. I’m also noticing increased irritability and experiencing anxiety attacks that last for hours. Is there something wrong with me and if so what should I do? | https://counselchat.com/questions/sleeping-anger-and-anxiety | Anxiety,Anger Management | Ben Braaksma | https://counselchat.com/therapists/ben-braaksma | <p>It sounds like you are noticing yourself becoming overwhelmed with anxiety, feeling more irritable, and struggling to sleep consistently. There are many possibilities, in regards to what may be contributing to these things you are noticing, and a competent therapist may be able to help. In therapy, you may be able to gain insight into these experiences as well as develop strategies for coping with and eventually alleviating anxiety, irritability, and inconsistent sleep.<br></p> | 0 |
563d2aba5e89a58d24b6488f | Does my friend have depression? | I am really worried about one of my friends because I think he has major depression. He disagrees with me on that. He is shut off when it comes to talking to people and telling them how he really feels. He told me he feels empty inside and the only emotions he feels are anger and sadness. I suggested to him to get help and talk to his mom about it but he refuses. | https://counselchat.com/questions/does-my-friend-have-depression | Depression,Social Relationships | Ben Braaksma | https://counselchat.com/therapists/ben-braaksma | First of all, I can tell that you really care about your friend and I think it's great that you are reaching out with your concern. It's hard to determine whether your friend would meet the criteria for an official diagnosis of depression without working with him, however, whether he does or not, therapy may be beneficial for him in working through these difficult feelings and relational challenges. Unfortunately, you can't make your friend get help. He will ultimately need to make that decision for himself, however, you can talk to him about your concerns and your hopes that he will reach out for help.<br> | 0 |
567d08faa377e46d7ebe2b98 | I always feel depressed. | I think about death all the time because I feel so alone. I want someone to love and someone to love me. | https://counselchat.com/questions/i-always-feel-depressed | Depression | Lynda Martens | https://counselchat.com/therapists/ms-lynda-martens-london-ontario | <p>Hi Ohio,</p><p>I'm so glad you reached out. I urge you to talk to someone close to you, today, about your feelings, and to also seek professional help for your serious thoughts and feelings. We want you to be safe, and your depression is treatable.</p><p>Loneliness is so painful, and when we feel lonely, this can lead to fears that we are not worthy of love or that the world is just a cold and lonely place. Neither are truths; only thoughts. Once we have fears like this though, we start to pull away from people, the fears keep us isolated, which makes the thoughts worse, and the cycle continues. </p><p>We all have a place in this world. We all have value, we all deserve love, and there are safe, wonderful people out there waiting to meet you and care for you. </p><p>Can you take a moment right now to become more in touch with three things? First, who in your life, if they were sitting beside you right now, would say "wait a minute...I love you!" What is the evidence that you are already cared about? Then ask yourself "what is the evidence that I am lovable?" What qualities do you have that make you a good friend or person? The third question is "what tells you the world is a good place?" What evidence do you see that there are people out there who care about others? </p><p>Please reach out to someone today as you ask yourself those questions. I wish you the best. </p> | 0 |
567d050aa377e46d7ebe2b95 | I'm desperate for attention, and I don't know what to do about it. | I like getting attention from men. I don't have sex. I lead them on to thinking I might want to. I like to tease, I like for men to chase me, and I like to feel wanted. | https://counselchat.com/questions/i-m-desperate-for-attention-and-i-don-t-know-what-to-do-about-it | Relationships,Self-esteem,Human Sexuality | Lynda Martens | https://counselchat.com/therapists/ms-lynda-martens-london-ontario | <p>Hi Michigan, Good for you for recognising a destructive pattern. This behaviour, although it might get you the attention you want initially, will ultimately drive men away because it's not respectful of them. My gut says that you learned early on in life that your value is in your sexuality alone. That's a powerful thought. You are certainly acting as if this is true. If you believed in your value as a person, you would be less afraid of deeper relationships and intimacy in general. </p><p>If I were your therapist, I'd have many questions for you and I would need to understand a lot of things about you and your past to help you sort out where this idea about yourself came from. I'd suggest reaching out to a qualified therapist who can help you get to the root of this behaviour. Good luck!</p> | 0 |
567bbaf7a377e46d7ebe2b7e | How do I know if I have bipolar disorder? | I feel that I am struggling with undiagnosed bipolar disorder, and it is making my day-to-day life extremely difficult. | https://counselchat.com/questions/how-do-i-know-if-i-have-bipolar-disorder | Behavioral Change | Ben Braaksma | https://counselchat.com/therapists/ben-braaksma | It sounds like you are experiencing a great deal of distress and you're wondering if it may meet a diagnosis of Bipolar disorder. There are a few different types of Bipolar diagnoses in the DSM (diagnositc and statistical manual) and the best way to find out if your experiences would meet that diagnosis would be to meet with a mental health professional. You can also look up the diagnosis online and see if what you are going through meets the criteria.<br><br>One question that I would have for you is, what would it mean for you to find out that you meet the criteria for such a diagnosis? It sounds like whether or not you do, you are suffering and working with a therapist may help you get into a better place.<br> | 0 |
567e2b9ca377e46d7ebe2bb3 | Why do I feel like I’m watching my life from a window? | I never feel like myself. I can’t even think straight anymore. I start stuttering and I can’t remember anything. I always get nervous and usually talk myself down but recently end up fighting with, what feels like, someone else. I don’t know why I feel this way, but I hate it. | https://counselchat.com/questions/why-do-i-feel-like-i-m-watching-my-life-from-a-window | Behavioral Change,Anxiety | Ben Braaksma | https://counselchat.com/therapists/ben-braaksma | <p>What you are describing sounds like it may be a form of dissociation. Dissociation is our mind's way of disconnecting us from aspects of our experience in an attempt to protect us in overwhelming situations. It also sounds like you are noticing anxiety in certain situations. In working with a competent therapist, you may be able to gain insight into these experiences, learn skills for coping with anxiety and reconnecting with yourself, and alleviate these symptoms over time.<br></p> | 0 |
567c9daca377e46d7ebe2b8a | I feel like I can't control having inappropriate thoughts. | I find that I imagine things sexually, and I hate it because it puts strain on my relationship. I feel helpless and guilty. I want it to go away, and I want to make my woman happy again. | https://counselchat.com/questions/i-feel-like-i-can-t-control-having-inappropriate-thoughts | Relationships,Human Sexuality | Ben Braaksma | https://counselchat.com/therapists/ben-braaksma | <p>It is completely understandable that you would like to find a way to make these intrusive thoughts go away, however, your feeling that you can't control having these thoughts is accurate. It's also understandable that you would feel helpless and guilty, given that you see how these thoughts are effecting your relationship, though I would encourage you to go easy on yourself and remember that you aren't choosing to have these thoughts. I'm sure that if there was a switch to turn them off, you would flip it.</p><p>There is no magic technique or pill that can guarantee these thoughts will go away, however, therapy may still have a lot to offer. In working with a competent therapist, you may be able to gain insight into where these thoughts are coming from and develop new ways of relating to them so that they do not leave you feeling as helpless and guilty and can be more present with your partner. Though there is no guarantee that the thoughts will go away, this may also be a result of work with a therapist. Either way, you may be able to find a way to deal with the thoughts and show up in your relationship in a way that will be satisfying to you and your partner. <br></p> | 0 |
567d08faa377e46d7ebe2b98 | I always feel depressed. | I think about death all the time because I feel so alone. I want someone to love and someone to love me. | https://counselchat.com/questions/i-always-feel-depressed | Depression | Margaret Van Ackeren | https://counselchat.com/therapists/margaret-van-ackeren-yorba-linda | <p>Feeling alone and/or isolated is almost always associated with being depressed. As humans, we need connection and interaction with others in order to feel satisfied. Given that you are frequently thinking about death, I highly recommend that you see a mental health professional as soon as possible to help assess your immediate needs and address any underlying issues that may be contributing to your feelings of loneliness and depression. </p><p>The good news is that with proper, consistent treatment and commitment to change, things can really turn around for you. A therapist can work with you on building enjoyable activities into your daily routine, change maladaptive thought patterns that contribute to your sadness, and help with exploring what has gotten you to where you are. By learning about where your sadness originates, engaging in preferred activities, and changing your thought patterns, you should begin feeling relief from the burden of depression. What will likely result, is further opportunity to find social outlets and an increased ability to connect with others. </p><p><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;">Don't give up. Create some short terms goals that you can likely achieve and make your treatment a priority and a focus. You have already taken the first step in getting better by writing to this site. Keep on this path and believe in yourself. Best of luck to you!</span><br></p> | 0 |
567bb16ba377e46d7ebe2b71 | My brother never hangs out with me anymore. | I am a teenager, and my brother is a few years older. He has a girlfriend who is always with him. He never hangs out with me anymore. We were really close, and it is making me really sad. | https://counselchat.com/questions/my-brother-never-hangs-out-with-me-anymore | Family Conflict | Margaret Van Ackeren | https://counselchat.com/therapists/margaret-van-ackeren-yorba-linda | <p>It is always hard when we feel as if we are losing somebody close to us. Feeling sad over these losses are normal. While there may be some things you can do to remedy this situation, it is important that you try and understand that part of life is change. The fact that your brother doesn't spend as much time with you doesn't mean that he loves you less or doesn't care about you. It most likely means that he is having to split his time between different people and priorities. I suggest that you communicate with him how you feel. Perhaps, ask him if he would be able to set up times that the two of you can hang out, without anyone else present. Addionally, it wouldn't hurt for you to also find some other ways to spend your time away from him. Now might be the perfect opportunity to pick up a new hobby or hang out with different peers. Keeping yourself distracted in healthy ways and processing your feelings of sadness will likely help with lifting your mood. Good luck to you!</p> | 0 |
56783bf47884f6fc6f1c5247 | My husband doesn't include me in the family. | I've been hurt by a man for five years. He doesn't involve me with the family or kids. Everyone in the family is against me. There is a Mass today for a family member, and he never asked me to go. I'm to sit home alone now and Christmas too. He expects me to sit alone while he enjoys being with the family. We are in our 50s, and it hurts that he won't even think of me or involve me as part of the family. He doesn't even care. I am leaving him as soon as possible, but I hurt so bad that I didn't know who to turn too. I'm now in this low funk of depression, and I'm scared because I do stupid things to myself and give up. I have no friends because I was a truck driver. I've been getting serious headaches and can't sleep. I don't eat; I've lost my appetite. This has been going on for a couple weeks now. | https://counselchat.com/questions/my-husband-doesn-t-include-me-in-the-family | Marriage,Family Conflict | Lynda Martens | https://counselchat.com/therapists/ms-lynda-martens-london-ontario | <p>Hi Florida,</p><p>I get the sense that, aside from this relationship, you're quite isolated in general. It's sad that you're feeling excluded at Christmastime and family events. While I would suggest that you don't really know what he or his family are thinking or feeling (you assume they're against you, and that he doesn't care), he is certainly behaving in a very distant, excluding manner and it's understandable that you would feel rejected and hurt. </p><p>How long has this part been happening? Has he always acted this way, or is it more recent? Did something happen recently? You mentioned doing "stupid things to yourself", and I don't know what that means. If you are engaging in self-harm he may be confused about what to do and he might need some time to think and be separate but is having trouble talking about this. Part of the problem, of course, is that you don't know what's going on for him. Certainly, you deserve the truth, and if he doesn't want to spend time with you, I would hope he would be honest. Have you been open to hearing the truth from him? Is there any reason for him to hesitate to tell you why he's being distant? Maybe you could ask him, if you are ready to hear.</p><p>I'm glad to hear that you believe that you deserve a full, loving relationship, although it seems that moving forward might be difficult for you. Is it possible your happiness is a bit too dependant on this man? I'm just guessing, based on what you've said here. <span style="line-height: 1.42857;"> </span></p><p><span style="line-height: 1.42857;">It seems that it's possible your situation has led to some depression, and I would recommend a session with a qualified therapist to help you sort this out. You will need support, even if the relationship is repaired. Best of luck. </span></p> | 0 |
5668f7b98e6cb9fb4f71a447 | My wife is cheating and won’t tell me the truth. | I found out today that my wife is cheating on me. I love her, but she won’t tell the truth even when I have proof. When I beg her to tell the truth, she yells, cusses, and gets a huge attitude. | https://counselchat.com/questions/my-wife-is-cheating-and-won-t-tell-me-the-truth | Marriage | Lynda Martens | https://counselchat.com/therapists/ms-lynda-martens-london-ontario | <p>Hi Prattville, </p><p>I'm sorry this is happening to you. You need support right now, and yes, you need answers. She is in denial and is trying to hide the truth, to protect herself. This is a natural behaviour. You don't indicate whether she wants the marriage, or is planning to leave. Which way you go from here depends in part on the answer to that question. </p><p>If she wants the marriage, you certainly have the right to say "I need answers to all my questions". Giving you the information she needs has to be (if she wants the marriage) more important than protecting herself. I would support your right to advocate for all the information you need in order to feel secure or make decisions. She may fear that the truth will turn you away. If you want to, you can reassure her that you want the marriage no matter what the truth is. If the marriage is to survive, it needs openness.</p><p>If, on the other hand, she's planning to end the marriage, then you might want to resign yourself to the fact that you may never get the information you seek. You are better off, in that case, seeking support from friends and family rather than beating on a closed door. </p><p>Your wife has some decisions to make. Try to give her a bit of time to make them. You can patiently say "I know this thing is happening. Talk to me so we can deal with it together. I want to move forward but I need the truth." Only time (and a good therapist, if she is willing and wants the marriage) will tell which way this one will go. Individually, you can seek professional help as well. </p> | 0 |
567c43e0a377e46d7ebe2b84 | I have a compulsion to fill in holes in my skin with ink. | I never get infections or scars or anything, and it doesn't bother me if it gets filled up with blood or something, but I'm concerned. | https://counselchat.com/questions/i-have-a-compulsion-to-fill-in-holes-in-my-skin-with-ink | Behavioral Change | Lynda Martens | https://counselchat.com/therapists/ms-lynda-martens-london-ontario | <p>Hi Houston, The fact that you're concerned says a lot. If I was your therapist I'd ask you questions about your worries and how this is causing a problem in your life. You're causing perhaps permanent changes (damage?) to your body, and it's likely you're trying to express something...pain maybe? A therapist can help you to explore what's going on for you and how to get your needs for self-expression met in a more healthy way. Good luck!</p> | 0 |
567e2b9ca377e46d7ebe2bb3 | Why do I feel like I’m watching my life from a window? | I never feel like myself. I can’t even think straight anymore. I start stuttering and I can’t remember anything. I always get nervous and usually talk myself down but recently end up fighting with, what feels like, someone else. I don’t know why I feel this way, but I hate it. | https://counselchat.com/questions/why-do-i-feel-like-i-m-watching-my-life-from-a-window | Behavioral Change,Anxiety | Lynda Martens | https://counselchat.com/therapists/ms-lynda-martens-london-ontario | <p>Hi Houston, Okay, something's definitely going on, right? My gut is to start with your family physician, because you have some physical symptoms. While it seems anxiety is a likely problem here, your doctor will hopefully know your history and can help you decide if you need some medical tests or some therapy. Without knowing more, that's all I can say at this point. Best of luck. </p> | 0 |
567bb16ba377e46d7ebe2b71 | My brother never hangs out with me anymore. | I am a teenager, and my brother is a few years older. He has a girlfriend who is always with him. He never hangs out with me anymore. We were really close, and it is making me really sad. | https://counselchat.com/questions/my-brother-never-hangs-out-with-me-anymore | Family Conflict | Lynda Martens | https://counselchat.com/therapists/ms-lynda-martens-london-ontario | <p>Hi Zionsville. It's so sweet that you have a special relationship with your brother. You will ALWAYS have that, you know? He's doing what's natural at his age...spreading his wings and looking for love. You may be heading into that zone soon too, but I get that it's weird that he's there before you, and you miss him.</p><p>Try to respect your brother's autonomy, wish him well, be friendly with his girlfriend, and it's also okay to say "Hey, bro, I'm still here. When can we hang out!?"</p> | 0 |
567fad01a377e46d7ebe2beb | I'm worried that I will be single forever. | I have lately been having lots of anxiety and self-loathing about the fact that I am a young adult virgin girl who has never had a boyfriend before. It seems like everyone my age has already had boyfriends by now or are not virgins anymore, and I just had my first kiss five months ago. I’m worried that, at this rate, I won’t have a boyfriend for a very long time. The problem is that I want to lose my virginity to my first boyfriend who cares about me, but at the same time, I don't want to be waiting forever in order to experience sex. I have already given in to bad temptations by hooking up with random strangers on social media sites and having oral sex with them. Luckily, they were nice guys, but none of them wanted a relationship with me. I feel dirty by doing this, but I feel pressured to do this things in order to seem normal.
Most people are surprised when they find out that I am a virgin or never had a boyfriend because people think I am really good looking. I am tall, I play lots of sports, and I get excellent grades in school. I am in my first year of university right now, and no guys have approached me to go out on a date or showed any interest. It bothers me. Most of the people in my family have been in relationships at my age already. I feel like I will be single forever sometimes. | https://counselchat.com/questions/i-m-worried-that-i-will-be-single-forever | Relationships,Self-esteem,Anxiety | Cimberly R. Nesker | https://counselchat.com/therapists/cimberly-r-nesker | <p>I think one of the first questions that springs to mind for me is, "what's the rush?" Just because other people in your circle have had experiences that you are still warming up to does not mean that there's something wrong or something to be ashamed of. If anything, I want to commend you on the self-respect you have in wanting to wait and share this most intimate of experiences with someone that will feel the same way about it. <br><br>One of the most common distortions in our thinking is when we try to directly compare ourselves to others; while these people and even those in your family share a level of closeness to you they are not exactly like you - they don't see or feel things in the exact same way as you nor do they share the exact same perspective. It's important to be making choices for you and for your own desires and life goals. Once you stop comparing your happiness, you may find that you are already experiencing it and allow more of your guard to fall down. </p> | 0 |
56678db91678044a13a776f4 | How can I be happy again? | At school, it feels like I've lost all my friends, and I've been really weird with my sleeping patterns. I used to cut myself, and I really want to again, but I change in the locker rooms because I don’t want anybody to see. I get ticked off easy and overreact. At night, I’m very depressed and listen to sad music and all that sort of stuff. Please help me. I just want to be happy again, and I feel like I’m starting to fake a smile at school. | https://counselchat.com/questions/how-can-i-be-happy-again | Depression,Sleep Improvement | Cimberly R. Nesker | https://counselchat.com/therapists/cimberly-r-nesker | <p>As silly as it may sound, making sure that we are getting the right amount of *restful* sleep is very important when we are feeling low. The reason for this is the lack of proper sleep significantly affects our ability to problem solve and critically evaluate our situation and can lead to a domino effect in our thinking. </p><p>I know you feel that you may be losing your friendships, but what are the facts that have led to this belief? Really ask yourself, "are they facts?" or are they your perspective on events. In regards to your coping behaviours at night, it sounds very isolating and also very silenced. As opposed to the sad music, why not try all music, allowing yourself to experience the wide breadth of emotions that are circling within you. One of the other recommendations I would make would be to try and journal about some of those thoughts and fears in order to release them in a positively cathartic way. </p><p>Some of the behaviours that you have mentioned are a bit more significant, though and I would recommend speaking with someone directly in the near future. </p> | 0 |
563fab39c2c5c37870d72c16 | How do I become more confident and face social situations? | For my whole life, I’ve been very unconfident, insecure, and self-questioning. I'm super quiet because I'm scared of what people will think of me. I avoid all social situations as it causes me great anxiety. It is how both of my parents have always been, and I feel like I'm doomed to that life also. It makes it super hard for me at work as the other employees try to use me and walk all over me because I’m too nice. It causes me depression and brings me down. I’m in my early twenties, and I really need to create a better life for myself. I've been like this for so long, so how do I change? | https://counselchat.com/questions/how-do-i-become-more-confident-and-face-social-situations | Anxiety,Self-esteem,Workplace Relationships | Cimberly R. Nesker | https://counselchat.com/therapists/cimberly-r-nesker | <p>One of the greatest ways that we can promote ourselves s by learning how to assert ourselves. Despite what most people think of when they hear the word assertive, assertive communication is one of the best ways to manage interpersonal conflict as well as maintain personal boundaries. Once we become comfortable with acknowledging our boundaries, there is usually a follow-up whereby we realize that we have the right to those boundaries. In effect, assertiveness communication becomes it's own self-motivating force in managing positive self-esteem. You may want to invest in a workbook that can help you to develop these skills on your own, or work directly with a therapist to develop them in a safe situation. One of the Workbooks that I have found to be very helpful is, "The Assertiveness Workbook: How to Express your Ideas and Stand Up for Yourself at Work and in Relationships" by Randy J Paterson.</p><span class="a-letter-space"></span> | 0 |
567f3469a377e46d7ebe2bd4 | How can I be sure that I'm not choosing my relationship out of fear of being alone? | I'm scared that I am with this man so I won't be alone. He should be with somebody who deserves him if this is the case, and I don’t want to hurt him. | https://counselchat.com/questions/how-can-i-be-sure-that-i-m-not-choosing-my-relationship-out-of-fear-of-being-alone | Self-esteem,Relationships | Mark Morris, LCSW | https://counselchat.com/therapists/mark-morris-lcsw-new-orleans | <p>While not wanting to be alone may not be the best reason to be in a relationship, it is probably more common and normal a reason than you think. Since you seem to care about your friend ("don't want to hurt him"), I imagine there are many other reasons that you are together. I suggest that you talk about this open-heartedly with each other. The idea of being afraid of being alone sounds like an honest starting place. Don't try to "figure out" whether you should be with him. Just talk. The communication is likely to shine light on deepening connection for BOTH OF YOU.</p><p>In the meantime, your idea that you don't deserve him is rooted in a "core lie" that you are telling yourself. You can read about "core lies" and much more in my book, Living Yes, a Handbook for Being Human. Check out www.LivingYes.org.</p><p>Be easy on yourself. You are deserving!</p><p>~Mark</p> | 0 |
56785b9580431ff978c1cb2e | How can I have a better relationship with my mom? | My mom and I have been fighting a lot now, and I just want a good relationship with her. | https://counselchat.com/questions/how-can-i-have-a-better-relationship-with-my-mom | Family Conflict | Cimberly R. Nesker | https://counselchat.com/therapists/cimberly-r-nesker | <p>The best way to work on a relationship is for both people to engage with the problem and start communicating with each other more effectively. One of the hardest things about this, however, is getting both people within the relationship to recognize that they are both responsible for the successes and failures within the relationship and remove all the all-or-nothing blame. </p><p>The best style of communication is open and asking for clarification; why not try asking your mother why this particular fight/situation is eliciting such an angry response. Often, the simple act of expressing that we don't understand the other person's point of view can open the doors to better levels of communication. The hardest part is trying to remain humble as we seek out that clarification and avoid the blaming language we are so used to using in such times. </p> | 0 |
567fad01a377e46d7ebe2beb | I'm worried that I will be single forever. | I have lately been having lots of anxiety and self-loathing about the fact that I am a young adult virgin girl who has never had a boyfriend before. It seems like everyone my age has already had boyfriends by now or are not virgins anymore, and I just had my first kiss five months ago. I’m worried that, at this rate, I won’t have a boyfriend for a very long time. The problem is that I want to lose my virginity to my first boyfriend who cares about me, but at the same time, I don't want to be waiting forever in order to experience sex. I have already given in to bad temptations by hooking up with random strangers on social media sites and having oral sex with them. Luckily, they were nice guys, but none of them wanted a relationship with me. I feel dirty by doing this, but I feel pressured to do this things in order to seem normal.
Most people are surprised when they find out that I am a virgin or never had a boyfriend because people think I am really good looking. I am tall, I play lots of sports, and I get excellent grades in school. I am in my first year of university right now, and no guys have approached me to go out on a date or showed any interest. It bothers me. Most of the people in my family have been in relationships at my age already. I feel like I will be single forever sometimes. | https://counselchat.com/questions/i-m-worried-that-i-will-be-single-forever | Relationships,Self-esteem,Anxiety | Sherry Katz, LCSW | https://counselchat.com/therapists/sherry-katz-lcsw | <p>It is very hard to want a loving relationship, and either see or imagine all around you, the great times other couples are having. Extra hard is that other people's comments may start giving you the sense that you are letting them down to not have a relationship!</p><p>All the fantasies that develop from viewing Facebook photos and imagining everyone or most people in ideal relationships, just augments any frustration of not being part of this group.</p><p>Your post sounds like you're being true to yourself and honoring who you are really, by developing clear standards of what you'd expect from a relationship.</p><p>For the longterm, whatever develops in your relationship life, you will always be able to look back and know you had self-integrity. <br></p><p>By being your natural self, you're being attractive. </p><p>Probably very unlikely that a young woman who would like a relationship, will never have one.</p><p>Maybe the young men in your school are not yet emotionally mature enough to know how to see and appreciate you.</p><p>Even though it may be hard, have patience with bringing in someone who is good for you. </p><p>And, continue your keen insight of yourself because it is guiding you to be the best in all areas of living.</p><p>Sending good luck in all areas!</p><p><br></p> | 0 |
567a47fe32307d3353f8f98c | How can my boyfriend forgive me when I can't forgive myself? | I have been in a relationship with my boyfriend for about six years now. In the past, our relationship was difficult and frustrating. We argued a lot, and due to that, there was a lot of tension between us. We stayed together because we love each other and wanted to make it work. I used to party a lot, and several times I got into situations where I would end up kissing someone else. These situations were never more than just kissing. I have come clean about these situations with my boyfriend, and he decided to forgive and move forward with me. I love him so much and want to work things out too, but I'm having a difficult time understanding how he can forgive me. I can't seem to forgive myself. I'm overwhelmed with feelings of guilt and unworthiness. | https://counselchat.com/questions/how-can-my-boyfriend-forgive-me-when-i-can-t-forgive-myself | Relationships,Self-esteem | Lynda Martens | https://counselchat.com/therapists/ms-lynda-martens-london-ontario | <p>Hi Cerritos,</p><p>This is an interesting twist because it's more common for the person in your position to want to move forward, and for the person who was wronged to struggle with forgiveness. You are lucky to have a loving, compassionate partner, and your boyfriend is lucky to have a partner who takes full responsibility for their actions. </p><p>My hunch is that you learned some things about yourself when you were younger that are playing a role here. Your sense of worthlessness seems out of proportion to the mistakes you made. You don't have to be perfect in order to deserve the love of a good man. You only have to have the maturity to recognise when you've hurt someone and work hard to make it better. Who in your life overreacted to small mistakes you made? Were you shamed as a child? Did you learn that you deserved to be punished? Did something bad happen that you thought was your fault? Is there a mistake you made long ago that you need forgiveness for? There is a younger person inside you waiting to be forgiven for something they weren't entirely responsible for. The bar is too high for you. If I was your therapist, I would work with you to find the source of the shame, and address that wound. </p><p>If you want to move forward and be with your boyfriend, your job will be to forgive yourself. Forgiving doesn't mean "it was okay"; forgiving simply means that it happened, that you can't erase it, and that you don't want to carry it around or punish yourself for it anymore. </p><p>You have done many things here that you can feel proud of! You've 'come clean', you've been honest, you've taken responsibility for your actions, you've not tried to minimize what you did, and you've chosen to be more loyal and aware of how you impact your boyfriend. These are all things you can use to build your sense of worth. You are acting very honourably. It's time to put your past mistakes away on the shelf knowing that you've learned from them and are a better person now. It's not our mistakes...not our worst moments that define us...it's how we handle them afterwards.</p><p>I wish you growth and happiness.</p> | 0 |
561dd0d0e88a65597bb56a7c | How do I cope or motivate myself without pain | When I'm not cutting, I'm drinking. When I try healthy outlets such as exercise, I end up running myself down into an asthma attack. From weapons, to words, I can't help but self harm. What am I supposed to do, how do I stop this cycle? I don't know how else to cope or motivate myself without pain. | https://counselchat.com/questions/how-do-i-cope-or-motivate-myself-without-pain | Self-esteem | Ben Braaksma | https://counselchat.com/therapists/ben-braaksma | <p>It sounds like you are feeling helpless and out of control, you are concerned about your behavior, and at the same time you feel compelled to continue it. In working with a therapist, you may be able to get insight into what is motivating these behaviors, develop strategies for taking care of yourself, and get a stronger sense of who you are motivated to be when you are your authentic self.<br></p> | 0 |
567fb7eda377e46d7ebe2bed | Why do I crave depression? | It's not entirely true to say I enjoy being sad, but I always find a way to feel that way. I listen to sad music, read tragic stories, and, in a twisted way, like how bad it makes me feel. I focus on negative aspects of my life even if they aren't legitimate or I just make it seem negative. | https://counselchat.com/questions/why-do-i-crave-depression | Depression | Ben Braaksma | https://counselchat.com/therapists/ben-braaksma | <p>It sounds like you are noticing that you are drawn towards sad and negative content and it's hard to understand why. This may sound counter-intuitive, but sometimes we do things that on the surface may look problematic (or even cause us some real problems) because it serves us in some unseen way. A simple example would be somebody who is addicted to a substance; their addiction may be causing serious problems in their life, and they may even know it, but the addiction serves them by helping them to avoid painful feelings that they anticipate having if they quit using. Now I am not saying that what you describe is an addiction, it is just a really illustrative example of the unseen benefit.<br></p><p>One thing I would be wondering about is what is the unseen benefit of seeking out sad and negative content? I'd also be wondering what your relationship is to other feelings. These are things you may benefit from exploring with a competent therapist.<br></p> | 0 |
56804d32a377e46d7ebe2bfa | Is my ex-boyfriend a pathological liar? | I have an ex-boyfriend who just lies about everything. He is super lazy. He lies to everyone that he has a good job, builds trust, and then start borrowing money—and large amounts too. It has come to the point where he has gone through several group of friends. He is leaving a trail behind full of friends in debt because he would put on a sob story, borrow money, then disappear. He refuses to work, so he sits at home playing games all day and either lies to his mom for money or lies to his friends. I used to think his lying was due to his drug habit, but now I'm hearing from other ex-friends of his that this started even before the drugs got into his life. He would borrow anywhere from $5,000 to $50,000 from everyone and it would all disappear. He's in debt with bills. He doesn't gamble, but he spends his money on random stuff.
Although he has this habit of lying compulsively and spending money, he seems to be a good person. He'll always give a homeless person all his change no matter what. My brother has epilepsy and is really antisocial—my ex-boyfriend makes an actual effort to socialize with my brother. He takes him out to the movies and plays video games with him. He drives me to school and work every day and picks me up—just basically the small things that add up to the fact that he's not totally a horrible human being. Is he just simple a pathological liar or is there something that could possibly be deep down in there? | https://counselchat.com/questions/is-my-ex-boyfriend-a-pathological-liar | Behavioral Change | Ben Braaksma | https://counselchat.com/therapists/ben-braaksma | <p>It sounds like you have some ambivalent feelings towards your ex-boyfriend that are difficult to sort out. You notice that there are both desirable and undesirable things about him, and this is true of everyone to one degree or another. One question that I would have for you is, are you satisfied with your relationship with him as it currently stands? Are you happy with the boundaries between the two of you, or would you like them to be different? Negotiating through conflict and establishing different boundaries are definitely things you could work on with the help of a therapist. Another question I would have for you is, what would it mean for you to find out what motivates his behavior? Discovering the roots of such behavior is something that he would have to work on in his own therapy and not something that you and a therapist could discover without him.<br></p> | 0 |
5682c8c4a377e46d7ebe2c7f | The love of my life wants to try getting back together with her child's father. | About two and a half months ago, I met a woman on a dating site. We went out on two dates, and then despite her original plans on how to pace and conduct the relationship, I ended up at her house on a the Friday night one week after our first date. We respectfully tried not to have sex, but after hours of trying to resist each other, we gave in and we had sex. After that, I slept at her house every night for almost two weeks. Then one day, she went to her family’s house on Thanksgiving and everything changed. Within the short time we were together, we got so close and serious really fast. We had finally found each other. We told each other that we loved each other all the time, even while we were making love. A few days after Thanksgiving, she told me that we would have to go back to her original plans of seeing each other much less frequently. I was very hurt and didn’t understand. Then another week later, she told me she couldn’t do it at all anymore. I was crushed!
A few days later, she tells me how much she’s missing me and “let’s get together for lunch” or something like that. Then about two weeks later, we finally get together one night and we were so hot for each other (in love, not just sex), but she confessed that the reason for the sudden distance was that the father of her very young child told her he wants to get back together and this totally messed with her. So for her child’s sake, she is now considering the possibility of allowing that to happen. She had told me all about him previously, and it is definite that she has little to no attraction to him, but she would do this putting herself in misery again for her child. Our love for each other is fully established and acknowledged, but she is torn and confused. She doesn’t even think it would work between them as she had to kick him out before for not fulfilling his role properly. I know she needs time, and all I can do is take care of myself. We have agreed to remain friends, and if this doesn’t work out for her, we will try again. I’m completely in love with her, and I’m in extreme pain. | https://counselchat.com/questions/the-love-of-my-life-wants-to-try-getting-back-together-with-her-child-s-father | Relationships | Sherry Katz, LCSW | https://counselchat.com/therapists/sherry-katz-lcsw | <p>Love doesn't hurt.</p><p>Your description of the relationship so far, is that you are feeling a lot of emotional pain, alongside a deep attraction for this woman.</p><p>In some relationships, the benefit of what draws us together with someone, is being able to learn more about our own deep sense of who we are, what we value and care about.</p><p>This sounds more descriptive of your relationship than that it is a loving one. </p><p>Your descriptions are of the woman's life, parenting and relationship dilemmas, not about how much of an effort she is willing to make in her life so that the two of you are able to be together for the long term.</p><p>Try distinguishing your wishes to be loved by this woman with what actually is taking place in everyday life.</p><p>Being aware of how much love you'd like to give and receive, is valuable self-knowledge.</p><p>Your ongoing emotional wear and tear of all decisions about the relationship that affect you, being the result of the woman's choices, sounds like the opposite of love.</p><p>The relationship is very useful as an access in self-understanding of your needs and wishes. It sounds like this is its main value in your life, not that it is sustainable in reality.</p><p>Good luck!</p> | 0 |
561589f17a94c0692d0a6e6c | I told my family doctor yesterday, that I am hoarding my Ativan pills. Is he legally required to tell my psychiatrist or therapist? | I have major depression, severe, PTSD, anxiety disorder, and personality disorder. I had an appointment with my doctor. I was very upset, and I shared with him about that particular drug. | https://counselchat.com/questions/i-told-my-family-doctor-yesterday-that-i-am-hoarding-my-ativan-pills-is-he-legally-required-to-tell-my-psychiatrist-or-therapist | Legal & Regulatory | Eric Ström, JD, MA, LMHC | https://counselchat.com/therapists/eric-str-m-jd-ma-lmhc | <p>Your doctor might be required to tell your psychiatrist - especially if your doctor is concerned about your safety.</p><p>It was definitely a good thing that you told your primary care physician about what is going on. I know that must have been difficult to talk about with him. </p><p><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;">By having that conversation, you are helping </span><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;">your primary care physician and your psychiatrist work together to best support your health.</span></p> | 0 |
5681c6a8a377e46d7ebe2c47 | Can implanted thoughts be reversed at all? | An organization admitted to implanting thoughts in my head with technologies. The study was to implant a fantasy other people are having, but to me, it's a nightmare. I lost my kids, my job, and all that. I was an unwilling participant. I no longer trust a therapist. I'm too afraid to go under hypnosis or anything. | https://counselchat.com/questions/can-implanted-thoughts-be-reversed-at-all | Trauma | Ben Braaksma | https://counselchat.com/therapists/ben-braaksma | <p>Given your experience of being imposed upon against your will, and all the personal and professional loss that has come since, your fear of what will happen if you undergo treatment and trust a therapist is understandable. There is no technique or pill that can guarantee these thoughts will go away or be reversed, however, there are things that you can do which may help you to change your relationship to the thoughts and to the distress that they cause. <br></p><p>I understand that working with a therapist sounds risky, given your experiences, and at the same time a good therapist may be a beneficial resource in helping you deal with the intrusive thoughts, cope with and alleviate the stress that they create, and perhaps even lead to the alleviation of the thoughts themselves. A therapist may also be able to help you discover strategies to work towards any goals you have around reconnecting with your children and working again. <br></p><p>If therapy feels too unsafe at the moment, I would recommend looking into workbooks on how to deal with intrusive thoughts and coping with stress. Some popular approaches that you may want to look into are mindfulness techniques, Acceptance and Commitment Therapy, or Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. You may even be able to find some of these resources at a library, if affordability is an obstacle.<br></p> | 0 |